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diff --git a/20484-h/20484-h.htm b/20484-h/20484-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f73627c --- /dev/null +++ b/20484-h/20484-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,43365 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta charset="UTF-8"> + <title>Real Life in London, Complete | Project Gutenberg</title> + <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> +<style> + + + <!-- + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} + .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} + .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} + .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 100%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} + span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 } + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + --> + + +.ph2, .ph4 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0em; font-weight: bold; } +.ph2 { font-size: x-large; margin: .75em auto; } +.ph4 { font-size: medium; margin: 1.12em auto; } +div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} +h2,h3 {page-break-before: avoid;} +.big {font-size: x-large;} +.pre {white-space: pre;} + </style> + </head> + <body> +<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold;'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II., by Pierce Egan</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II. + Or, The Rambles And Adventures Of Bob Tallyho, Esq., And + His Cousin, The Hon. Tom Dashall, Through The Metropolis; + Exhibiting A Living Picture Of Fashionable Characters, + Manners, And Amusements In High And Low Life (1821)</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Pierce Egan</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Illustrator: Heath, Aiken, Dighton, and Rowlandson</div> +<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Release Date: January 30, 2007 [eBook #20484]<br> +[Most recently updated: September 21, 2023]</div> +<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: David Widger +<br>Revised by Richard Tonsing.</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em;margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REAL LIFE IN LONDON ***</div> + + + + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/london_spines.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Titlepage1" ><br> +</div> +<p> +<br> +</p> +<h1> +REAL LIFE IN LONDON +</h1> +<div class="middle"> +<p> +<span class='big'>OR, THE RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OF BOB TALLYHO, ESQ., <br> AND HIS +COUSIN, THE HON. TOM DASHALL, <br> THROUGH THE METROPOLIS; <br> +EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE OF FASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, <br> MANNERS, +AND AMUSEMENTS IN HIGH AND LOW LIFE</span> <b> By an AMATEUR [Pierce +Egan]</b> “'Tis pleasant through the loop-holes of retreat <br> To peep +at such a world; to see the stir <br> Of the great Babel, and not feel +the crowd."<br> —Cowper <a id="linkimage-0001"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +</div> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/titlepage1.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Titlepage1" ><br> +</div> +<div class="middle"> +<p> +EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED WITH A SERIES OF COLOURED PRINTS, DESIGNED +AND ENGRAVED BY MESSRS. HEATH, AIKEN, DIGHTON, ROWLANDSON, ETC. <b>VOLUME +I. <br> Part 1</b> A NEW EDITION METHUEN & CO. LONDON NOTE This +Issue, first published in 1905, is founded on the Edition<br> printed +for Jones & Co. in the year 1821 <a id="linkimage-0002"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +</div> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img alt="Frontispiece" src="images/frontispiece1.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><br> +</div> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0003"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img alt="titlepage1a (92K)" src="images/titlepage1a.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><br> +</div> +<p> +<br> <br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<h2> +COLOR PLATES +</h2> +<div class='ph4'> +[Click on any image to enlarge it to full size.] +</div> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<p> +<br><a href="images/page010.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page010th (9K)" + src="images/page010th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page016.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page016th (10K)" src="images/page016th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page044.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page044th (10K)" + src="images/page044th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page046.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page046th (10K)" src="images/page046th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page062.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page062th (10K)" + src="images/page062th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page071.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page071th (9K)" src="images/page071th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page079.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page079th (11K)" + src="images/page079th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page092.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page092th (7K)" src="images/page092th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page130.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page130th (11K)" + src="images/page130th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page138.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page138th (12K)" src="images/page138th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page148.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page148th (9K)" + src="images/page148th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page160.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page160th (11K)" src="images/page160th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page196.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page196th (7K)" + src="images/page196th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page200.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page200th (8K)" src="images/page200th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page240.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page240th (12K)" + src="images/page240th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page250.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page250th (11K)" src="images/page250th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page263.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page263th (10K)" + src="images/page263th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page286.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page286th (12K)" src="images/page286th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page298.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page298th (10K)" + src="images/page298th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page349.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page349th (9K)" src="images/page349th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page385.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page385th (12K)" + src="images/page385th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page386.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page386th (9K)" src="images/page386th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page387.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page387th (11K)" + src="images/page387th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page398.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page398th (11K)" src="images/page398th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page402.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page402th (10K)" + src="images/page402th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page410.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page410th (11K)" src="images/page410th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a +href="images/page434.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img alt="page434th (11K)" + src="images/page434th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br><a href="images/page390.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><img +alt="page390th (10K)" src="images/page390th.jpg" style="width:100%;" ></a> <br> <br> +</p> +</div> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<div class='chapter'><h2> +Contents +</h2></div> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_LIST"> LIST OF THE PLATES </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <span class='big'><b>REAL LIFE IN LONDON</b></span> </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0001"> CHAPTER XVII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0002"> CHAPTER XVIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0003"> CHAPTER XIX </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0004"> CHAPTER XX </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0005"> CHAPTER XXI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0006"> CHAPTER XXII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0007"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0008"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0009"> CHAPTER XXV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0010"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link22HCH0011"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> +</p> +<h3> +VOLUME II. +</h3> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0001"> CHAPTER I </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0002"> CHAPTER II </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0003"> CHAPTER III </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0005"> CHAPTER V </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0010"> CHAPTER X </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link32HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0001"> CHAPTER XV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0002"> CHAPTER XVI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0003"> CHAPTER XVII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0004"> CHAPTER XVIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0005"> CHAPTER XIX </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0006"> CHAPTER XX </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0007"> CHAPTER XXI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0008"> CHAPTER XXII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0009"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0010"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0011"> CHAPTER XXV </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0012"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0013"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0014"> CHAPTER XXVIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0015"> CHAPTER XXIX </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0016"> CHAPTER XXX </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0017"> CHAPTER XXXI </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0018"> CHAPTER XXXII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0019"> CHAPTER XXXIII </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link42HCH0020"> CHAPTER XXXIV </a> +</p> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<a id="link2H_LIST"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br> <br> +</p> +<div class='chapter'><h2> +List of Illustrations +</h2></div> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0001"> Titlepage1 </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0002"> Frontispiece </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0003"> Titlepage </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0004"> Page16 Hyde-park </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0005"> Page44 Epson Racers </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0006"> Page71 Fives Court </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0007"> Page79 The Kings Levee </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0008"> Page92 Catching a Charley Napping </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0009"> Page130 Drury Lane Theatre </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0010"> Page138 Tom and Bob at Drury Lane </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0011"> Page160 Tattersall's </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0012"> Page196 A Modern Hell </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#linkimage-0013"> Page240 Somerset House </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2image-0001"> Page286 Road to a Fight </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2image-0002"> Page298 Real Life at Billingsgate </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2image-0003"> Page385 Political Dinner </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2image-0004"> Page387 The Country Squire </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2image-0005"> Page390 Grand Coronation Dinner </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2image-0006"> Page398 Road to a Fight </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2image-0007"> Page402 A Private Turn-up </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2image-0008"> Page410 Masquerade </a> +</p> +<h3> +VOLUME II. +</h3> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link3image-0001"> Page10 British Museum </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link3image-0002"> Page46 King's Bench </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link3image-0003"> Page62 Public House </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link3image-0004"> Page130 Blue Ruin Shop </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link3image-0005"> Page148 Almacks </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link3image-0006"> Page196 Easter Hunt </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link3image-0007"> Page200 Donkey Cart Race </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link4image-0001"> Page250.jpg Drury Lane </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link4image-0002"> Page233.jpg St. George's Day </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link4image-0003"> Page349 Ascot Races </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link4image-0004"> Page386 at a Party </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link4image-0005"> Page434.jpg Bull and Mouth Inn </a> +</p> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +CONTENTS: + +Chapter I. + +Seduction from rural simplicity, page 2. Pleasures of the +table, 3. Overpowering oratory, 4. A warm dispute, 5. +Amicable arrangement, 6. + +Chapter II. + +Philosophical reflections, 7. A great master, 8. Modern +jehuism, 9. A coach race, 10. A wood-nymph, 11. Improvements +of the age, 12. An amateur of fashion, 13. Theatrical +criticism, 14. Reflections, 15. + +Chapter III. + +Hyde Park, and its various characters, 16. Sir F——s B—— +tt, 22, Delightful reverie, 23. + +Chapter IV. + +Fresh game sprung, 24. Lord C——e, alias Coal-hole George, +25. Rot at Carlton Palace, 28. Once-a-week man, 29. Sunday +promenader, 30. How to raise the wind, 31. Lord Cripplegate +and his Cupid, 32. Live fish, 33. Delicacy, 34. A breathless +visitor, 35. + +Chapter V. + +A fashionable introduction, 36. A sparkling subject, 37. The +true spur to genius, 38. An agreeable surprise, 39. A +serious subject, 40. A pleasant fellow, 41. Lively gossip, +42. Living in style, 43. Modern good breeding, 45. Going to +see “you know who,” 46. + +Chapter VI. + +Early morning amusements, 47. Frightening to death, 48. +Improvements of the age, 49. Preparing for a swell, 50. The +acmé of barberism, 51. A fine specimen of the art, 52. Duels +by Cupid and Apollo, 53. Fashionable news continued, 54. Low +niggardly notions, 55. Scenes from Barber-Ross-a, 56. A snip +of the superfine, 59. The enraged Managers, 60. Cutting out, +and cutting up, 61. The whipstitch mercury, 62. All in the +wrong again, 63. A Venus de Medicis, 64. Delicacy alarmed, +65. + +Chapter VII. + +Preparing for a ramble, 66. A man of the town, 67. Bond +Street, 68. A hanger on, 70. A man of science, 71. Dandyism, +72. Dandy heroism, 74. Inebriety reproved, 75. My uncle's +card, 76. St. James's Palace, 77. Pall Mall-Waterloo Place, +etc., 79. An Irish Paddy, 80. Incorrigible prigs, 81. A hue +and cry, 82. A capture, 83. A wake, with an Irish howl, 84. +Vocabulary of the new school, 85. Additional company, 87. + +Chapter VIII. + +Public Office, Bow Street, 88. Irish generosity, 89. A bit +of gig, 90. “I loves fun,” 91. A row with the Charleys, 92. +Judicial sagacity, 93. Watch-house scenes, 94. A rummish +piece of business, 95. The Brown Bear well baited, 96. +Somerset House, 97. An importunate customer, 99. +Peregrinations proposed, 100. + +Chapter IX. + +The Bonassus, 101. A Knight of the New Order, 102. Medical +quacks, 103. Medical (not Tailors') Boards, 105. Superlative +modesty, 106. Hard pulling and blowing, 107. Knightly +medicals, 108. Buffers and Duffers, 109. Extremes of +fortune, 110. Signs of the Times, 111. Expensive spree, 112. +The young Cit, 113. All in confusion, 115. Losses and +crosses, 116. Rum customers, 117. A genteel hop, 118. Max +and music, 119. Amateurs and actors, 120. A well-known +character, 121. Championship, 122. A grand spectacle, 123. +Adulterations, 124. More important discoveries, 125. Wonders +of cast-iron and steam, 126. Shops of the new school, 127. +Irish paper-hanging, 128. + +Chapter X. + +Heterogeneous mass, 129. Attractions of the theatre, 130. +Tragedy talk, 131. Authors and actors, 132. Chancery +injunctions, 133. Olympic music, 134. Dandy larks and +sprees, 135. The Theatre, 136. Its splendid establishment, +137. Nymphs of the saloon, 138. Torments of love and gout, +139. Prostitution, 140. A shameful business, 141. Be gone, +dull care, 142. Convenient refreshment, 143. A lushy cove, +144. The sleeper awake, 145. All on lire, 146. A short +parley, 147. + +Chapter XI. + +Fire, confusion and alarm, 148. Snuffy tabbies and boosy +kids, 149. A cooler for hot disputes, 150. An overturned +Charley, 151. Resurrection rigs, 152. Studies from life, +154. An agreeable situation, 155. A nocturnal visit to a +lady, 156. Sharp's the word, 157. Frolicsome fellows, 158. +Retirement, 159. + +Chapter XII. + +Tattersall's, 160. Friendly dealings, 161. Laudable company, +162. The Sportsman's exchange, 163. An unlimited order, 164. +How to ease heavy pockets, 165. Body-snatchers and Bum- +traps, 166. The Sharps and the Flats, 167. A secret +expedition, 168. A pleasant rencontre, 169. Accommodating +friends, 170. The female banker, 171. A buck of the first +cut, 172. A highly finished youth, 173. An addition to the +party, 174. + +Chapter XIII. + +A promenade, 175. Something the matter, 176. Quizzical hits, +177. London friendship, 178. Fashion versus Reason, 179. +Dinners of the Ton, 180. Brilliant mob of a ball-room, 181. +What can the matter be? 182. Something-A-Miss, 183. + +Chapter XIV. + +The centre of attraction, 185. The circulating library, 186. +Library wit, 187. Fitting on the cap, 188. Breaking up, 189. +Gaming, 190. Hells-Greeks-Black-legs, 191. How to become a +Greek, 192. Valuable instructions, 193. Gambling-house à la +Française, 194. Visitors' cards, 195. Opening scene, 196. +List of Nocturnal Hells, 197. Rouge et Noir Tables, 198. +Noon-day Hells, 199. Hell broke up, and the devil to pay, +200. A story, 202. Swindling Jews, 205. Ups and downs, 206. +High fellows, 207. Mingled company, 208. Severe studies, +209. + +Chapter XV. + +Newspaper recreations, 210. Value of Newspapers, 211. Power +of imagination, 212. Rich bill of fare, 213. Proposed Review +of the Arts, 214. Demireps and Cyprians, 215. Dashing +characters, 216. Female accommodations, 217. Rump and dozen, +218. Maggot race for a hundred, 219. Prime gig, larks and +sprees, 220. Female jockeyship, 221. Delicate amusements for +the fair sex, 222. Female life in London, 224. Ciphers in +society, 225. Ciphers of all sorts, 226. Hydraulics, 227. +Watery humours, 228. General street engagement, 229. Harmony +restored, 230. + +Chapter XVI. + +The double disappointment, 231. Heading made easy, 232. +Exhibition of Engravings, 233. How to cut a dash, 235. +Dashing attitude, costume, etc., 236. A Dasher-Street- +walking, etc., 237. Dancing—“all the go,” 238. Exhibition, +Somerset House, 239. Royal Academy, Somerset House, 240. The +Sister Arts, 241. Character-Caricature, etc., 242. Moral +tendency of the Arts, 243. Fresh game sprung, 244. Law and +Lawyers, 245. Law qualifications, 247. Benchers, 248. Temple +Libraries-Church, 249. St. Dunstan's Bell-thumpers, 250. +Political Cobbler, 251. Coffee-houses, 252. Metropolitan +accommodations, 253. Chop-house delights and recreations, +254. Daffy's Elixir, Blue Ruin, etc., 256. The Queen's gin- +shop, 257. + +Chapter XVII. + +Globe Coffee-house, 258. A humorous sort of fellow, 259. A +Punster, 260. Signals and Signs, 261. Disconcerted +Professors, 262. A learned Butcher, 263. A successful +stratagem, 264. A misconception, 265. A picture of London, +266. All in high glee, 268. + +Chapter XVIII. + +A Slap at Slop, 269. A Nondescript, 270. Romanis, 271. Bow +steeple-Sir Chris. Wren, 272. The Temple of Apollo, 273. +Caricatures, 274. Rich stores of literature, 275. Pulpit +oratory, 276. Seven reasons, 277. Street impostors and +impositions, 278. Impudent beggars, 280. Wise men of the +East, 281. A Royal Visitor and Courtier reproved, 282. +Confusion of tongues, 284. Smoking and drinking, 285. +Knights of the Round Table, 286. The joys of milling, 287. +Noses and nosegays, 288. A Bumpkin in town, 289. Piggish +propensities, 2907 Joys of the bowl, 291. + +Chapter XIX. + +Jolly boys, 292. Dark-house Lane, 293. A breeze sprung up, +294. Business done in a crack, 295. Billingsgate, 296. +Refinements in language, 297. Real Life at Billingsgate, +298. The Female Fancy, 299. The Custom House, Long Room, +etc., 300. Greeting mine host, 302. A valuable customer, +303. A public character, 304. + +Chapter xx. + +The Tower of London, 305. Confusion of titles, 306. Interior +of the Trinity House, 307. Rag Fair commerce, 308. Itinerant +Jews and Depredators, 309. Lamentable state of the Jews, +310. Duke's Place and Synagogue, 311. Portuguese Jews, 312. +Bank of England, 313. An eccentric character, 314. +Lamentable effects of forgery, 315. Singular alteration of +mind, 316. Imaginary wealth, 317. Joint Stock Companies, +318. Auction Mart-Courtois, 319. Irresistible arguments, +320. Wealth without pride, 321. Royal Exchange, 322. A +prophecy fulfilled, 323. Lloyd's-Gresham Lecture, etc., 324. +The essential requisite, 325. Egress by storm, 326. + +Chapter XXI. + +Incident “ad infinitum,” 327. A distressed Poet, 328. +Interesting calculations, 329. Ingenuity in puffing, 330. +Blacking maker's Lauréat, 331. Miseries of literary +pursuits, 332. Suttling house, Horse Guards, 333. Merits of +two heroes, 334. Hibernian eloquence, 335. A pertinacious +Disputant, 336. Peace restored-Horse Guards, 337. Old +habits-The Miller's horse, 338. Covent Garden-Modern Drury, +339 A more than Herculean labour, 340. Police Office scene, +341. Bartholomew Fair, 342. A Knight of the Needle, 343. +Variance of opinion, 344. A visit to the Poet, 345. Produce +of literary pursuits, 346. Quantum versus Quality, 347. +Publishing by subscription, 348. Wealth and ignorance, 349. +Mutual gratification, 350. + +Chapter XXII. + +Symptoms of alarm, 351. Parties missing, 352. A strange +world, 353. Wanted, and must come, 354. Expectation alive, +355. A cure for melancholy, 356. Real Life a game, 357. The +game over, 358. Money-dropping arts, 359. Dividing a prize, +360. The Holy Alliance broke up, 361. New method of Hat +catching, 362. Dispatching a customer, 363. Laconic +colloquy, 364. Barkers, 365. A mistake corrected, 366. +Pawnbrokers, 367. The biter bit, 368. Miseries of +prostitution, 369. Wardrobe accommodations, 370. New species +of depredation, 371. + +Chapter XXIII. + +The Lock-up House, 372. Real Life with John Doe, etc., 373. +Every thing done by proxy, 374. Lottery of marriage, 375. +Sharp-shooting and skirmishing, 376. A fancy sketch, 377. +The universal talisman, 378. Living within bounds, 379. How +to live for ten years, 380. An accommodating host, 381. Life +in a lock-up house, 382. + +Chapter XXIV. + +A successful election, 383. Patriotic intentions, 384. +Political dinner, 385. Another bear-garden, 386. Charley's +theatre, 387. Bear-baiting sports, 388. The coronation, 389. +Coronation splendour, 390. + +Chapter XXV. + +Fancy sports, 392. Road to a fight, 393. New sentimental +journey, 394. Travelling chaff, 395. Humours of the road, +396. Lads of the fancy, 397. Centre of attraction, 398. A +force march, 399. Getting to work, 400. True game, 401. The +sublime and beautiful, 402. All's well-good night, 403. + +Chapter XXVI. + +Promenading reflections, 404. Anticipation, 405. Preliminary +observations, 406. Characters in masquerade, 407. Irish +sympathy, 408. Whimsicalities of character, 409. Masquerade +characters, 410. The watchman, 411. New characters, 412. The +sport alive, 413. Multifarious amusements, 414. Doctors +disagree, 415. Israelitish honesty, 416. + +Chapter XXVII. + +Ideal enjoyments, 417. A glance at new objects, 418. Street- +walking nuisances, 419. Cries of London-Mud-larks, etc., +420. The Monument, 421. London Stone, 422. General Post- +Office, 423. Preparations for returning, 424. So endeth the +volume, 425. +</div> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> <a id="link2H_4_0002"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<h2> +REAL LIFE IN LONDON +</h2> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0001"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER I +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Triumphant returning at night with the spoil, +Like Bachanals, shouting and gay: +How sweet with a bottle and song to refresh, +And lose the fatigues of the day. +With sport, wit, and wine, fickle fortune defy, +Dull 'wisdom all happiness sours; +Since Life is no more than a passage at best, +Let's strew the way over with flowers. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[1]</span>"THEY order these things better in +London,” replied the Hon. Tom Dashall, to an old weather-beaten sportsman, +who would fain have made a convert of our London <i>Sprig of Fashion</i> +to the sports and delights of rural life. The party were regaling +themselves after the dangers and fatigues of a very hard day's fox-chace; +and, while the sparkling glass circulated, each, anxious to impress on the +minds of the company the value of the exploits and amusements in which he +felt most delight, became more animated and boisterous in his oratory—forgetting +that excellent regulation which forms an article in some of the rules and +orders of our “<i>Free and Easies</i>” in London, “that no more than three +gentlemen shall be allowed to speak at the same time.” The whole party, +consisting of fourteen, like a pack in full cry, had, with the kind +assistance of the “rosy god,” become at the same moment most animated, not +to say vociferous, orators. The young squire, Bob Tally ho, (as he was +called) of Belville Hall, who had recently come into possession of this +fine and extensive domain, was far from feeling indifferent to the +pleasures of a sporting life, and, in the chace, had even acquired the +reputation of being a “keen sportsman:” but the regular intercourse which +took place between him and his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, of Bond +Street notoriety, had in <span class="pagenum">[2]</span>some measure led +to an indecision of character, and often when perusing the lively and +fascinating descriptions which the latter drew of the passing scenes in +the gay metropolis, Bob would break out into an involuntary exclamation of—“Curse +me, but after all, this only is Real Life; “—while, for the moment, +horses, dogs, and gun, with the whole paraphernalia of sporting, were +annihilated. Indeed, to do justice to his elegant and highly-finished +friend, these pictures were the production of a master-hand, and might +have made a dangerous impression on minds more stoical and determined than +that of Bob's. The opera, theatres, fashionable pursuits, characters, +objects, &c. all became in succession the subjects of his pen; and if +lively description, blended with irresistible humour and sarcastic wit, +possessed any power of seduction, these certainly belonged to Bob's +honourable friend and relative, as an epistolary correspondent. The +following Stanzas were often recited by him with great feeling and +animation:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Parent of Pleasure and of many a groan, +I should be loath to part with thee, I own, +Dear Life! +To tell the truth, I'd rather lose a <i>wife</i>, +Should Heav'n e'er deem me worthy of possessing +That best, that most invaluable blessing. +I thank thee, that thou brought'st me into being; +The things of this our world are well worth seeing; +And let me add, moreover, well worth feeling; +Then what the Devil would people have? +These gloomy hunters of the grave, +For ever sighing, groaning, canting, kneeling. +Some wish they never had been born, how odd! +To see the handy works of God, +In sun and moon, and starry sky; +Though last, not least, to see sweet Woman's charms,— +Nay, more, to clasp them in our arms, +And pour the soul in love's delicious sigh, +Is well worth coming for, I'm sure, +Supposing that thou gav'st us nothing more. +Yet, thus surrounded, Life, dear Life, I'm thine, +And, could I always call thee mine, +I would not quickly bid this world farewell; +But whether here, or long or short my stay, +I'll keep in mind for ev'ry day +An old French motto, “<i>Vive la bagatelle!</i>” + Misfortunes are this lottery-world's sad blanks; +Presents, in my opinion, not worth thanks. +The pleasures are the twenty thousand prizes, +Which nothing but a <i>downright ass</i> despises. +</div> +<p> +It was not, however, the mere representations of Bob's friend, with which, +(in consequence of the important result,) we commenced our chapter, that +produced the powerful effect of fixing the wavering mind of Bob—No, +it was the air—the manner—the <i>je ne sais quoi</i>, by which +these representations were accompanied: the curled lip of contempt, and +the eye, measuring as he spoke, from top to toe, his companions, with the +cool elegant sang froid and self-possession displayed in his own person +and manner, which became a <i>fiat</i> with Bob, and which effected the +object so long courted by his cousin. +</p> +<p> +After the manner of Yorick (though, by the bye, no sentimentalist) Bob +thus reasoned with himself:—“If an acquaintance with London is to +give a man these airs of superiority—this ascendancy—elegance +of manners, and command of enjoyments—why, London for me; and if +pleasure is the game in view, there will I instantly pursue the sport.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[3]</span>The song and toast, in unison with the +sparkling glass, followed each other in rapid succession. During which, +our elegant London visitor favoured the company with the following +effusion, sung in a style equal to (though unaccompanied with the affected +airs and self-importance of) a first-rate professor:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +SONG. + +If to form and distinction, in town you would bow, +Let appearance of wealth be your care: +If your friends see you live, not a creature cares how, +The question will only be, Where? +A circus, a polygon, crescent, or place, +With ideas of magnificence tally; +Squares are common, streets queer, but a lane's a disgrace; +And we've no such thing as an alley. +A first floor's pretty well, and a parlour so so; +But, pray, who can give themselves airs, +Or mix with high folks, if so vulgarly low +To live up in a two pair of stairs? +The garret, excuse me, I mean attic floor, +(That's the name, and it's right you should know it,) +Would he tenantless often; but genius will soar, +And it does very well for a poet. +</div> +<p> +These amusements of the table were succeeded by a most stormy and +lengthened debate, (to use a parliamentary phrase) during which, Bob's +London friend had with daring heroism opposed the whole of the party, in +supporting the superiority of Life in London over every pleasure the +country could afford. After copious libations to Bacchus, whose influence +at length effected what oratory had in vain essayed, and silenced these +contending and jarring elements, “grey-eyed Morn” peeped intrusively amid +the jovial crew, and Somnus, (with the cart before the horse) stepping +softly on tip-toe after his companion, led, if not by, at least +accompanied with, the music of the nose, each to his snoring pillow.<span +class="pagenum">[4]</span> +</p> +<p> +——“Glorious resolve!” exclaimed Tom, as soon as his friend had +next morning intimated his intention,—“nobly resolved indeed!—“What! +shall he whom Nature has formed to shine in the dance and sparkle in the +ring—to fascinate the fair—lead and control the fashions—attract +the gaze and admiration of the surrounding crowd!—shall he pass a +life, or rather a torpid existence, amid country bumpkins and Johnny-raws? +Forbid it all ye powers that rule with despotic sway where Life alone is +to be found,—forbid it cards—dice—balls—fashion, +and ye gay et coteras,—forbid”——“Pon my soul,” + interrupted Bob, “you have frightened me to death! I thought you were +beginning an Epic,—a thing I abominate of all others. I had rather +at any time follow the pack on a foundered horse than read ten lines of +Homer; so, my dear fellow, descend for God's sake from the Heroics.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +Calmly let me, at least, begin Life's chapter, +Not panting for a hurricane of rapture; +Calm let me step—not riotous and jumping: +With due decorum, let my heart +Try to perform a sober part, +Not at the ribs be ever bumping—bumping. +Rapture's a charger—often breaks his girt, +Runs oft”, and flings his rider in the dirt. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[5]</span>"However, it shall be so: adieu, my dear +little roan filly,—Snow-ball, good by,—my new patent +double-barrelled percussion—ah, I give you all up!—Order the +tandem, my dear Tom, whenever you please; whisk me up to the fairy scenes +you have so often and admirably described; and, above all things, take me +as an humble and docile pupil under your august auspices and tuition.” + Says Tom, “thou reasonest well.” + </p> +<p> +The rapidity with which great characters execute their determinations has +been often remarked by authors. The dashing tandem, with its beautiful +high-bred bits of blood, accompanied by two grooms on horsebaek in +splendid liveries, stood at the lodge-gate, and our heroes had only to bid +adieu to relatives and friends, and commence their rapid career. +</p> +<p> +Before we start on this long journey of one hundred and eighty miles, with +the celerity which is unavoidable in modern travelling, it may be prudent +to ascertain that our readers are still in company, and that we all start +fairly together; otherwise, there is but little probability of our ever +meeting again on the journey;—so now to satisfy queries, remarks, +and animadversions. +</p> +<p> +“Why, Sir, I must say it is a new way of introducing a story, and appears +to me very irregular.—What! tumble your hero neck and heels into the +midst of a drunken fox-hunting party, and then carry him off from his +paternal estate, without even noticing his ancestors, relatives, friends, +connexions, or prospects—without any description of romantic scenery +on the estate—without so much as an allusion to the female who first +kindled in his breast the tender passion, or a detail of those incidents +with which it is usually connected!—a strange, very strange way +indeed this of commencing.” + </p> +<p> +“My dear Sir, I agree with you as to the deviation from customary rules: +but allow me to ask,—is not one common object—amusement, all +we have in view? Suppose then, by way of illustration, you were desirous +of arriving at a given place or object, to which there were several roads, +and having traversed one of these till the monotony of the scene had +rendered every object upon it dull and wearisome, would you quarrel with +the traveller who pointed out another road, merely because it was a new +one? Considering the impatience of our young friends, the one to return to +scenes in which alone he can <span class="pagenum">[6]</span>live, and the +other to realize ideal dreams of happiness, painted in all the glowing +tints that a warm imagination and youthful fancy can pourtray, it will be +impossible longer to continue the argument. Let me, therefore, entreat you +to cut it short—accompany us in our rapid pursuit after Life in +London; nor risk for the sake of a little peevish criticism, the cruel +reflection, that by a refusal, you would, probably, be in <i>at the death</i> +of the Author—by Starvation.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0002"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER II +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“The panting steed the hero's empire feel, +Who sits triumphant o'er the flying wheel, +And as he guides it through th' admiring throng, +With what an air he holds the reins, and smacks the silken thong!” + </div> +<p> +ORDINARY minds, in viewing distant objects, first see the obstacles that +intervene, magnify the difficulty of surmounting them, and sit down in +despair. The man of genius with his mind's-eye pointed steadfastly, like +the needle towards the pole, on the object of his ambition, meets and +conquers every difficulty in detail, and the mass dissolves before him as +the mountain snow yields, drop by drop, to the progressive but invincible +operation of the solar beam. Our honourable friend was well aware that a +perfect knowledge of the art of driving, and the character of a “<i>first-rate +whip</i>,” were objects worthy his ambition; and that, to hold +four-in-hand—turn a corner in style—handle the reins in form—take +a fly off the tip of his leader's ear—square the elbows, and keep +the wrists pliant, were matters as essential to the formation of a man of +fashion as <i>dice or milling</i>: it was a principle he had long laid +down and strictly adhered to, that whatever tended to the completion of +that character, should be acquired to the very acmé of perfection, without +regard to ulterior consequences, or minor pursuits. +</p> +<p> +In an early stage, therefore, of his fashionable course of studies, the +whip became an object of careful solicitude; and after some private +tuition, he first exhibited his prowess about twice a week, on the box of +a Windsor stage, tipping coachy a crown for the indulgence and improvement +it afforded. Few could boast of being more fortunate during a noviciate: +two overturns only occurred in the whole course of practice, and except +the trifling accident of an old lady being killed, a shoulder or two +dislocated, and about half a dozen legs and arms <span class="pagenum">[8]</span>broken, +belonging to people who were not at all known in high life, nothing worthy +of notice may be said to have happened on these occasions. 'Tis true, some +ill-natured remarks appeared in one of the public papers, on the “conduct +of coachmen entrusting the reins to young practitioners, and thus +endangering the lives of his majesty's subjects;” but these passed off +like other philanthropic suggestions of the day, unheeded and forgotten. +</p> +<p> +The next advance of our hero was an important step. The mail-coach is +considered the school; its driver, the great master of the art—the +<i>Phidias</i> of the statuary—the <i>Claude</i> of the +landscape-painter. To approach him without preparatory instruction and +study, would be like an attempt to copy the former without a knowledge of +anatomy, or the latter, while ignorant of perspective. The standard of +excellence—the model of perfection, all that the highest ambition +can attain, is to approach as near as possible the original; to attempt a +deviation, would be to <i>bolt out of the course, snap the curb, and run +riot</i>. Sensible of the importance of his character, accustomed to hold +the reins of arbitrary power; and seated where will is law, the mail-whip +carries in his appearance all that may be expected from his elevated +situation. Stern and sedate in his manner, and given to taciturnity, he +speaks sententiously, or in monosyllables. If he passes on the road even +an humble follower of the profession, with four tidy ones in hand, he +views him with ineffable contempt, and would consider it an irreparable +disgrace to appear conscious of the proximity. Should it be a country +gentleman of large property and influence, and he held the reins, and +handled the whip with a knowledge of the art, so to “get over the ground,” + coachy might, perhaps, notice him “<i>en passant</i>,” by a slight and +familiar nod; but it is only the peer, or man of first-rate sporting +celebrity, that is honoured with any thing like a familiar mark of +approbation and acquaintance; and these, justly appreciating the proud +distinction, feel higher gratification by it than any thing the monarch +could bestow: it is an inclination of the head, not forward, in the manner +of a nod, but towards the off shoulder, accompanied with a certain jerk +and elevation from the opposite side. But here neither pen nor pencil can +depict; it belongs to him alone whose individual powers can nightly keep +the house <span class="pagenum">[9]</span>in a roar, to catch the living +manner and present it to the eye. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——A merrier man + +Within the limit of becoming mirth, +I never spent an hour's talk withall: +His eye begets occasion for his wit; +For every object that the one doth catch +The other turns to a mirth-moving jest.” + </div> +<p> +And now, gentle reader, if the epithet means any thing, you cannot but +feel disposed to good humour and indulgence: Instead of rattling you off, +as was proposed at our last interview, and whirling you at the rate of +twelve miles an hour, exhausted with fatigue, and half <i>dead</i> in +pursuit of <i>Life</i>, we have proceeded gently along the road, amusing +ourselves by the way, rather with drawing than driving. 'Tis high time, +however, we made some little progress in our journey: “Come Bob, take the +reins—push on—keep moving—touch up the leader into a +hand-gallop—give Snarler his head—that's it my tight one, keep +out of the ruts—mind your quartering—not a gig, buggy, tandem, +or tilbury, have we yet seen on the road—what an infernal place for +a human being to inhabit!—curse me if I had not as lief emigrate to +the back settlements of America: one might find some novelty and amusement +there—I'd have the woods cleared—cut out some turnpike-roads, +and, like Palmer, start the first mail”——“Stop, Tom, don't set +off yet to the Illinois—here's something ahead, but what the devil +it is I cant guess—why it's a barge on wheels, and drove +four-in-hand.”—“Ha, ha—barge indeed, Bob, you seem to know as +much about coaches as Snarler does of Back-gammon: I suppose you never see +any thing in this quarter but the old heavy Bridgewater—why we have +half a dozen new launches every week, and as great a variety of names, +shape, size, and colour, as there are ships in the navy—we have the +heavy coach, light coach, Caterpillar, and Mail—the Balloon, Comet, +Fly, Dart, Regulator, Telegraph, Courier, Times, High-flyer, Hope, with as +many others as would fill a list as long as my tandem-whip. What you now +see is one of the <i>new patent safety-coaches</i>—you can't have an +overturn if you're ever so disposed for a spree. The old city cormorants, +after a gorge of mock-turtle, turn into them for a journey, and drop off +in a <span class="pagenum">[10]</span>nap, with as much confidence of +security to their neck and limbs as if they had mounted a rocking-horse, +or drop't into an arm-chair.”—“Ah! come, the scene improves, and +becomes a little like Life—here's a dasher making up to the Safety—why +its—no, impossible—can't be—gad it is tho'—the +Dart, by all that's good! and drove by Hell-fire Dick!—there's a +fellow would do honour to any box—drove the Cambridge Fly three +months—pass'd every thing on the road, and because he overturned in +three or four hard matches, the stupid rascals of proprietors moved him +off the ground. Joe Spinum, who's at Corpus Christi, matched Dick once for +50, when he carried five inside and thirteen at top, besides heavy +luggage, against the other Cambridge—never was a prettier race seen +at Newmarket—Dick must have beat hollow, but a d——d fat +alderman who was inside, and felt alarmed at the velocity of the vehicle, +moved to the other end of the seat: this destroyed the equilibrium—over +they went, into a four-feet ditch, and Joe lost his match. However, he had +the satisfaction of hearing afterwards, that the old cormorant who +occasioned his loss, had nearly burst himself by the concussion.” + </p> +<p> +“See, see!—Dick's got up to, and wants to give the Safety the go by—gad, +its a race—go it Dick—now Safety—d——d good +cattle both—lay it in to 'em Dick—leaders neck and neck—pretty +race by G——! Ah, its of no use Safety—Dick wont stand it—a +dead beat—there she goes—all up—over by Jove “——“I +can't see for that tree—what do you say Tom, is the race over?”—“Race, +ah! and the coach too—knew Dick would beat him—would have +betted the long odds the moment I saw it was him.” + </p> +<p> +The tandem had by this time reached the race-course, and the disaster +which Tom had hardly thought worth noticing in his lively description of +the sport, sure enough had befallen the <i>new 'patent Safety</i>, which +was about mid way between an upright and a side position, supported by the +high and very strong quicksett-hedge against which it hath fallen. Our +heroes dismounted, left Flip at the leader's head, and with Ned, the other +groom, proceeded to offer their services. Whilst engaged in extricating +the horses, which had become entangled in their harness, and were kicking +and plunging, their attention was arrested by the screams and outrageous +vociferations of a very fat, middle-aged woman, who had <span +class="pagenum">[11]</span>been jerked from her seat on the box to one not +quite so smooth—the top of the hedge, which, with the assistance of +an old alder tree, supported the coach. Tom found it impossible to resist +the violent impulse to risibility which the ludicrous appearance of the +old lady excited, and as no serious injury was sustained, determined to +enjoy the fun. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“If e'er a pleasant mischief sprang to view, +At once o'er hedge and ditch away he flew, +Nor left the game till he had run it down.” + </div> +<p> +Approaching her with all the gravity of countenance he was master of—“Madam,” + says he, “are we to consider you as one of the Sylvan Deities who preside +over these scenes, or connected in any way with the vehicle?”—“Wehicle, +indeed, you <i>hunhuman-brutes</i>, instead of assisting a poor distressed +female who has been chuck'd from top of that there <i>safety-thing</i>, as +they calls it, into such a dangerous <i>pisition</i>, you must be +chuckling and grinning, must you? I only wish my husband, Mr. Giblet, was +here, he should soon wring your necks, and pluck some of your fine +feathers for you, and make you look as foolish as a peacock without his +tail.” Mrs. Giblet's ire at length having subsided, she was handed down in +safety on <i>terra firma</i>, and our heroes transferred their assistance +to the other passengers. The violence of the concussion had burst open the +coach-door on one side, and a London <i>Dandy</i>, of the exquisite genus, +lay in danger of being pressed to a jelly beneath the weight of an infirm +and very stout old farmer, whom they had pick'd up on the road; and it was +impossible to get at, so as to afford relief to the sufferers, till the +coach was raised in a perpendicular position. The farmer was no sooner on +his legs, than clapping his hand with anxious concern into an immense +large pocket, he discovered that a bottle of brandy it contained was +crack'd, and the contents beginning to escape: “I ax pardon, young +gentleman,” says he, seizing a hat that the latter held with great care in +his hand, and applying it to catch the liquor—“I ax pardon for +making so free, but I see the hat is a little out of order, and can't be +much hurt; and its a pity to waste the liquor, such a price as it is +now-a-days.”—“Sir, what do you mean, shouldn't have thought of your +taking such liberties indeed, but makes good the old saying—impudence +and <span class="pagenum">[12]</span>ignorance go together: my hat out of +order, hey! I'd have you to know, Sir, that <i>that there</i> hat was +bought of Lloyd, in Newgate-street,{1} only last Thursday,-and cost +eighteen shillings; and if you look at the book in his <i>vindow</i> on +hats, dedicated to the head, you'll find that this here hat is a real +exquisite; so much for what you know about hats, my old fellow—I +burst my stays all to pieces in saving it from being squeezed out of +shape, and now this old brute has made a brandy-bottle of it.”—“Oh! +oh! my young Miss in disguise,” replied the farmer, “I thought I smelt a +rat when the Captain left the coach, under pretence of walking up the hill—what, +I suppose vou are bound for Gretna, both of vou, hev young Lady?” + </p> +<p> +Every thing appertaining to the coach being now righted, our young friends +left the company to adjust their quarrels and pursue their journey at +discretion, anxious to reach the next town as expeditiously as possible, +where they purposed sleeping for the night. They mounted the tandem, smack +went the whip, and in a few minutes the stage-coach and its motley group +had disappeared. +</p> +<p> +Having reached their destination, and passed the night comfortably, they +next morning determined to kill an hour or two in the town; and were +taking a stroll arm in arm, when perceiving by a playbill, that an amateur +of fashion from the theatres royal, Drury Lane and Haymarket, was just <i>come +in</i>, and would shortly <i>come out</i>, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It would be injustice to great talents, not to notice, +among other important discoveries and improvements of the +age, the labours of Lloyd, who has classified and arranged +whatever relates to that necessary article of personal +elegance, the Hat. He has given the world a volume on the +subject of Hats, dedicated to their great patron, the Head, +in which all the endless varieties of shape, dependent +before on mere whim and caprice, are reduced to fixed +principles, and designated after the great characters by +which each particular fashion was first introduced. The +advantages to gentlemen residing in the country must be +incalculable: they have only to refer to the engravings in +Mr. Lloyd's work, where every possible variety is clearly +defined, and to order such as may suit the rank or character +in life they either possess, or wish to assume. The +following enumeration comprises a few of the latest fashions: +—The Wellington—The Regent—The Caroline—The +Bashful—The Dandy—The Shallow—The Exquisite—The Marquis +—The New Dash—The Clerieus—The Tally-ho—The Noble Lord— +The Taedum—The Bang-up—The Irresistible—The Bon Ton—The +Paris Beau—The Baronet—The Eccentric—The Bit of Blood, +&c. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[13]</span>in a favourite character, they +immediately directed their steps towards a barn, with the hope of +witnessing a rehearsal. Chance introduced them to the country manager, and +Tom having asked several questions about this candidate, was assured by +Mr. Mist: +</p> +<p> +“Oh! he is a gentleman-performer, and very useful to us managers, for he +not only finds his own dresses and properties, but 'struts and frets his +hour on the stage without any emoluments. His aversion to salary +recommended him to the lessee of Drury-lane theatre, though his services +had been previously rejected by the sub-committee.” + </p> +<p> +“Can it be that game-cock, the gay Lothario,” said Tom, “who sports an +immensity of diamonds?”— +</p> +<p> +Of Coates's frolics he of course well knew, Rare pastime for the +ragamuffin crew! Who welcome with the crowing of a cock, This hero of the +buskin and sock. +</p> +<p> +“Oh! no,” rejoined Mr. Mist, “that cock don't crow now: this gentleman, I +assure you, has been at a theatrical school; he was instructed by the +person who made Master Bettv a young Roscius.” + </p> +<p> +Tom shook his head, as if he doubted the abilities of this instructed +actor. To be a performer, he thought as arduous as to be a poet; and if <i>poeta +nascitur, non fit</i>—consequently an actor must have natural +abilities. +</p> +<p> +“And pray what character did this gentleman enact at Drury-lane Theatre?” + </p> +<p> +“Hamlet, Prince of Denmark,” answered Mr. Mist—“Shakespeare is his +favourite author.” + </p> +<p> +“And what said the critics—'to be, or not to be'—I suppose he +repeated the character?” + </p> +<p> +“Oh! Sir, it was stated in the play-bill, that he met with great applause, +and he was announced for the character again; but, as the Free List was +not suspended, and our amateur dreaded some hostility from that quarter, +he performed the character by proxy, and repeated it at the Little Theatre +in the Haymarket.” + </p> +<p> +“Then the gentlemen of the Free List,” remarked Bob, “are free and easy?” + </p> +<p> +“Yes—yes—they laugh and cough whenever they please: indeed, +they are generally excluded whenever a <span class="pagenum">[14]</span>full +house is expected, as <i>ready money</i> is an object to the poor manager +of Drury-lane Theatre. The British Press, however, is always excepted.” + </p> +<p> +“The British press!—Oh! you mean the newspapers,” exclaimed Tom—“then +I dare say they were very favourable to this Amateur of Fashion?” + </p> +<p> +“No—not very—indeed; they don't join the manager in his puffs, +notwithstanding his marked civility to them: one said he was a methodist +preacher, and sermonized the character—another assimilated him to a +school-boy saying his lesson—in short, they were very ill-natured—but +hush—here he is—walk in, gentlemen, and you shall hear him +rehearse some of King Richard”— +</p> +<p> +“King Richard!” What ambition! thought Bob to himself—“late a +Prince, and now—a king!” + </p> +<p> +“I assure you,” continued Mr. Mist, “that all his readings are new; but +according to my humble observation, his action does not always suit the +word—for when he exclaims—' may Hell make crook'd my mind,' he +looks up to Heaven”— +</p> +<p> +“Looks up to Heaven!” exclaimed Tom; “then this London star makes a +solecism with his eyes.” + </p> +<p> +Our heroes now went into the barn, and took a private corner, when they +remained invisible. Their patience was soon exhausted, and Bob and his +honourable cousin were both on the fidgits, when the representative of +King Richard exclaimed— +</p> +<p> +“Give me a horse——” + </p> +<p> +“—Whip!” added Tom with stunning vociferation, before King Richard +could bind up his wounds. The amateur started, and betrayed consummate +embarrassment, as if the horsewhip had actually made its entrance. Tom and +his companion stole away, and left the astounded monarch with the words—“twas +all a dream.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +While returning to the inn, our heroes mutually commented on the +ambition and folly of those amateurs of fashion, who not only sacrifice +time and property, but absolutely take abundant pains to render +themselves ridiculous. “Certainly,” says Tom, “this <i>cacoethes ludendi</i> +has made fools of several: this infatuated youth though not possessed +of a single requisite for the stage, no doubt flatters himself he is +a second Kean; and, regardless <span class="pagenum">[15]</span>of his birth and family, he will +continue his strolling life + +Till the broad shame comes staring in his face, +And critics hoot the blockhead as he struts.” + </div> +<p> +Having now reached the inn, and finding every thing adjusted for their +procedure, our heroes mounted their vehicle, and went in full gallop for +Real Life in London. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0003"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER III +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Round, round, and round-about, they whiz, they fly, +With eager worrying, whirling here and there, +They know, nor whence, nor whither, where, nor why. +In utter hurry-scurry, going, coming, +Maddening the summer air with ceaseless humming.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[16]</span>OUR travellers now approached at a rapid +rate, the desideratim of their eager hopes and wishes: to one all was +novel, wonderful, and fascinating; to the other, it was the welcome return +to an old and beloved friend, the separation from whom had but increased +the ardour of attachment.—“We, now,” says Dashall, “are approaching +Hyde-Park, and being Sunday, a scene will at once burst upon you, far +surpassing in reality any thing I have been able to pourtray, +notwithstanding the flattering compliments you have so often paid to my +talents for description.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0004"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img alt="Page16 Hyde-park" src="images/page016.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><br> +</div> +<p> +They had scarcely entered the Park-gate, when Lady Jane Townley's carriage +crossed them, and Tom immediately approached it, to pay his respects to an +old acquaintance. Her lady-ship congratulated him on his return to town, +lamented the serious loss the <i>beau-monde</i> had sustained by his +absence, and smiling archly at his young friend, was happy to find he had +not returned empty-handed, but with a recruit, whose appearance promised a +valuable accession to their select circle. “You would not have seen me +here,” continued her ladyship, “but I vow and protest it is utterly +impossible to make a prisoner of one's self, such a day as this, merely +because it is Sunday—for my own part, I wish there was no such thing +as a Sunday in the whole year—there's no knowing what to do with +one's self. When fine, it draws out as many insects as a hot sun and a +shower of rain can produce in the middle of June. The vulgar plebeians +flock so, that you can scarcely get into your barouche without being +hustled by the men-milliners, linen-drapers, and shop-boys, who <span +class="pagenum">[17]</span>have been serving you all the previous part of +the week; and wet, or dry, there's no bearing it. For my part, I am <i>ennuyée</i>, +beyond measure, on that day, and find no little difficulty in getting +through it without a fit of the horrors. +</p> +<p> +“What a legion of counter-coxcombs!” exclaimed she, as we passed +Grosvenor-gate. “Upon the plunder of the till, or by overcharging some +particular article sold on the previous day, it is easy for these <i>once-a-week</i> +beaux to hire a tilbury, and an awkward groom in a pepper and salt, or +drab coat, like the <i>incog.</i> of the royal family, to mix with their +betters and sport their persons in the drive of fashion: some of the +monsters, too, have the impudence of bowing to ladies whom they do not +know, merely to give them an air, or pass off their customers for their +acquaintance: its very distressing. There!” continued she, “there goes my +plumassier, with gilt spurs like a field-officer, and riding as +importantly as if he were one of the Lords of the Treasury; or—ah! +there, again, is my banker's clerk, so stiff and so laced up, that he +might pass for an Egyptian mummy—the self-importance of these +puppies is insufferable! What impudence! he has picked up some groom out +of place, with a cockade in his hat, by way of imposing on the world for a +<i>beau militaire</i>. What will the world come to! I really have not +common patience with these creatures. I have long since left off going to +the play on a Saturday night, because, independently of my preference for +the Opera, these insects from Cornhill or Whitechapel, shut up their +shops, cheat their masters, and commence their airs of importance about +nine o'clock. Then again you have the same party crowding the Park on a +Sunday; but on the following day, return, like school boys, to their work, +and you see them with their pen behind their ear, calculating how to make +up for their late extravagances, pestering you with lies, and urging you +to buy twice as much as you want, then officiously offering their arm at +your carriage-door.” + </p> +<p> +Capt. Bergamotte at this moment came up to the carriage, perfumed like a +milliner, his colour much heightened by some vegetable dye, and resolved +neither to “blush unseen,” nor “waste his sweetness on the desert air.” + Two false teeth in front, shamed the others a little in their ivory +polish, and his breath savoured of myrrh like a heathen sacrifice, or the +incense burned in <span class="pagenum">[18]</span>one of their temples. +He thrust his horse's head into the carriage, rather abruptly and +indecorously, (as one not accustomed to the haut-ton might suppose) but it +gave no offence. He smiled affectedly, adjusted his hat, pulled a lock of +hair across his forehead, with a view of shewing the whiteness of the +latter, and next, that the glossiness of the former must have owed its +lustre to at least two hours brushing, arranging, and perfuming; used his +quizzing-glass, and took snuff with a flourish. Lady Townley condescended +to caress the horse, and to display her lovely white arm ungloved, with +which she patted the horse's neck, and drew a hundred admiring eyes. +</p> +<p> +The exquisite all this time brushed the animal gently with a +highly-scented silk handkerchief, after which he displayed a cambric one, +and went through a thousand little playful airs and affectations, which +Bob thought would have suited a fine lady better than a lieutenant in his +Majesty's brigade of guards. Applying the lines of an inimitable satire, +(The Age of Frivolity) to the figure before him, he concluded: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“That gaudy dress and decorations gay, +The tinsel-trappings of a vain array. +The spruce trimm'd jacket, and the waving plume, +The powder'd head emitting soft perfume; +These may make fops, but never can impart +The soldier's hardy frame, or daring heart; +May in Hyde-Park present a splendid train, +But are not weapons for a dread campaign; +May please the fair, who like a tawdry beau, +But are not fit to check an active foe; +Such heroes may acquire sufficient skill +To march erect, and labour through a drill; +In some sham-fight may manfully hold out, +But must not hope an enemy to rout.” + </div> +<p> +Although he talked a great deal, the whole amount of his discourse was to +inform her Ladyship that (<i>Stilletto</i>) meaning his horse, (who in +truth appeared to possess more fire and spirit than his rider could either +boast of or command,) had cost him only 700 guineas, and was <i>prime +blood</i>; that the horse his groom rode, was <i>nothing but a </i>good +one<i>, and had run at the </i>Craven—that he had been prodigiously +fortunate that season on the turf—that he was a bold rider, and +could not bear himself without a fine high spirited animal—and, that +being engaged to dine at <span class="pagenum">[19]</span>three places +that day, he was desperately at a loss to know how he should act; but that +if her Ladyship dined at any one of the three, he would certainly join +that party, and <i>cut</i> the other two. +</p> +<p> +At this moment, a mad-brained ruffian of quality, with a splendid +equipage, came driving by with four in hand, and exclaimed as he flew +past, in an affected tone,—“All! Tom, my dear fellow,—why +where the devil have you hid yourself of late?” The speed of his cattle +prevented the possibility of reply. “Although you see him in such +excellent trim,” observed Tom to Lady Jane, “though his cattle and +equipage are so well appointed, would you suppose, it, he has but just +made his appearance from the Bench after <i>white-washing?</i> But he is a +noble spirited fellow,” remarked the exquisite, “drives the best horses, +and is one of the first whips in town; always gallant and gay, full of +life and good humour; and, I am happy to say, he has now a dozen of as +fine horses as any in Christendom, <i>bien entendu</i>, kept in my name.” + After this explanation of the characters of his friend and his horses, he +kissed his hand to her Ladyship, and was out of sight in an instant, +“Adieu, adieu, thou dear, delightful sprig of fashion!” said Lady Jane, as +he left the side of the carriage.—“Fashion and folly,” said Tom, +half whispering, and recalling to his mind the following lines:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Oh! Fashion, to thy wiles, thy votaries owe +Unnumber'd pangs of sharp domestic woe. +What broken tradesmen and abandon'd wives +Curse thy delusion through their wretched lives; +What pale-faced spinsters vent on thee their rage, +And youths decrepid e're they come of age.” + </div> +<p> +His moralizing reverie was however interrupted by her Ladyship, who +perceiving a group of females decked in the extreme of Parisian fashions, +“there,” said she, “there is all that taffeta, feathers, flowers, and lace +can do; and yet you see by their loud talking, their being unattended by a +servant, and by the bit of straw adhering to the pettycoat of one of them, +that they come all the way from Fish Street Hill, or the Borough, in a +hackney-coach, and are now trying to play off the airs of women of +fashion.” + </p> +<p> +Mrs. Marvellous now drew up close to the party. “My dear Lady Jane,” said +she, “1 am positively suffocated with dust, and sickened with vulgarity; +but to be sure we <span class="pagenum">[20]</span>have every thing in +London here, from the House of Peers to Waterloo House. I must tell you +about the trial, and Lady Barbara's mortification, and about poor Mr. R.'s +being arrested, and the midnight flight to the Continent of our poor +friend W——.” + </p> +<p> +With this brief, but at the same time comprehensive introduction, she +lacerated the reputation of almost all her acquaintance, and excited great +attention from the party, which had been joined by several during her +truly interesting intelligence. Every other topic in a moment gave way to +this delightful amusement, and each with volubility contributed his or her +share to the general stock of slander. +</p> +<p> +Scandal is at all times the <i>sauce piquante</i> that <i>currys</i> +incident in every situation; and where is the fashionable circle that can +sit down to table without made dishes?—Character is the good +old-fashioned roast beef of the table, which no one touches but to mangle +and destroy. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Lord! who'd have thought our cousin D +Could think of marrying Mrs. E. +True I don't like such things to tell; +But, faith, I pity Mrs. L, +And was I her, the bride to vex, +I would engage with Mrs. X. +But they do say that Charlotte U, +With Fanny M, and we know who, +Occasioned all, for you must know +They set their caps at Mr. O. +And as he courted Mrs. E, +They thought, if she'd have cousin D, +That things might be by Colonel A +Just brought about in their own way.” + </div> +<p> +Our heroes now took leave, and proceeded through the Park. “Who is that +fat, fair, and forty-looking dame, in the landau?” says Bob.—“Your +description shews,” rejoined his friend, “you are but a novice in the +world of fashion—you are deceived, that lady is as much made up as a +wax-doll. She has been such as she now appears to be for these last five +and twenty years; her figure as you see, rather en-bon point, is friendly +to the ravages of time, and every lineament of age is artfully filled up +by an expert fille de chambre, whose time has been employed at the +toilette of a celebrated devotee in Paris. She drives through the Park as +a matter of course, merely to furnish an opportunity for saying that she +has been there: but the more important business of the morning will be +transacted <span class="pagenum">[21]</span>at her boudoir, in the King's +Road, where every luxury is provided to influence the senses; and where, +by daily appointment, she is expected to meet a sturdy gallant. She is a +perfect Messalina in her enjoyments; but her rank in society protects her +from sustaining any injury by her sentimental wanderings. +</p> +<p> +“Do you see that tall handsome man on horseback, who has just taken off +his hat to her, he is a knight of the ... ribbon; and a well-known +flutterer among the ladies, as well as a vast composer of pretty little +nothings.”—“Indeed! and pray, cousin, do you see that lady of +quality, just driving in at the gate in a superb yellow vis-à-vis,—as +you seem to know every body, who is she?” + </p> +<p> +“Ha! ha! ha!” replied Tom, almost bursting with laughter, yet endeavouring +to conceal it, “that Lady of Quality, as you are inclined to think her, a +very few years since, was nothing more than a pot-girl to a publican in +Marj'-le-bone; but an old debauchee (upon the look out for defenceless +beauty) admiring the fineness of her form, the brilliancy of her eye, and +the symmetry of her features, became the possessor of her person, and took +her into keeping, as one of the indispensable appendages of fashionable +life, after a month's ablution at Margate, where he gave her masters of +every description. Her understanding was ready, and at his death, which +happened, luckily for her, before satiety had extinguished appetite, she +was left with an annuity of twelve hundred pounds—improved beauty—superficial +accomplishments—and an immoderate share of caprice, insolence, and +vanity. As a proof of this, I must tell you that at an elegant +entertainment lately given by this dashing cyprian, she demolished a +desert service of glass and china that cost five hundred guineas, in a fit +of passionate ill-humour; and when her paramour intreated her to be more +composed, she became indignant—called for her writing-desk in a rage—committed +a settlement of four hundred a year, which he had made but a short time +previously, to the flames, and asked him, with, a self-important air, +whether he dared to suppose that <i>paltry</i> parchment gave him an +authority to direct her actions?” + </p> +<p> +“And what said the lover to this severe remonstrance?” + </p> +<p> +“Say,—why he very sensibly made her a low bow, thanked her for her +kindness, in releasing him from his bond, and took his leave of her, +determined to return no more.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[22]</span>"Turn to the right,” says Tom, “and +yonder you will see on horseback, that staunch patriot, and friend of the +people, Sir——, of whom you must have heard so much.” + </p> +<p> +“He has just come out of the K——B——, having +completed last week the term of imprisonment, to which he was sentenced +for a libel on Government, contained in his address to his constituents on +the subject of the memorable Manchester Meeting.” + </p> +<p> +“Ah! indeed, and is that the red-hot patriot?—well, I must say I +have often regretted he should have gone to such extremes in one or two +instances, although I ever admired his general character for firmness, +manly intrepidity, and disinterested conduct.” + </p> +<p> +“You are right, Bob, perfectly right; but you know, 'to err is human, to +forgive divine,' and however he may err, he does so from principle. In his +private character, as father, husband, friend, and polished gentleman, he +has very few equals—no superior. +</p> +<p> +“He is a branch of one of the most ancient families in the kingdom, and +can trace his ancestors without interruption, from the days of William the +Conqueror. His political career has been eventful, and perhaps has cost +him more, both in pocket and person, than any Member of Parliament now +existing. He took his seat in the House of Commons at an early age, and +first rendered himself popular by his strenuous opposition to a bill +purporting to regulate the publication of newspapers. +</p> +<p> +“The next object of his determined reprehension, was the Cold-Bath-Fields +Prison, and the treatment of the unfortunates therein confined. The +uniformly bold and energetic language made use of by the honourable +Baronet upon that occasion, breathed the true spirit of British liberty. +He reprobated the unconstitutional measure of erecting what he termed a <i>Bastile</i> +in the very heart of a free country, as one that could neither have its +foundation in national policy, nor eventually be productive of private +good. He remarked that prisons, at which private punishments, cruel as +they were illegal, were exercised, at the mercy of an unprincipled gaoler—cells +in which human beings were exposed to the horrors of heart-sickening +solitude, and depressed in spirit by their restriction to a scanty and +exclusive allowance of bread and water, were not only incompatible with +the spirit of the constitution, but were likely to prove injurious to the +spirit of the <span class="pagenum">[23]</span>people of this happy +country; for as Goldsmith admirably remarks, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Princes and Lords may nourish or may fade, +A breath can make them as a breath hath made, +But a bold peasantry their country's pride, +When once destroyed can never be supplied.” + </div> +<p> +“<i>And if this be not tyranny</i>” continued the philanthropic orator, “<i>it +is impossible to define the term. I promise you here</i> that I will +persevere to the last in unmasking this wanton abuse of justice and +humanity.” His invincible fortitude in favour of the people, has rendered +him a distinguished favourite among them: and though by some he is termed +a visionary, an enthusiast, and a tool of party, his adherence to the +rights of the subject, and his perseverance to uphold the principles of +the constitution, are deserving the admiration of every Englishman; and +although his fortune is princely, and has been at his command ever since +an early age, he has never had his name registered among the fashionable +gamesters at the clubs in St. James's-street, Newmarket, or elsewhere. He +labours in the vineyard of utility rather than in the more luxuriant +garden of folly; and, according to general conception, may emphatically be +called an honest man. “But come,” said Tom, “it is time for us to move +homeward—the company are drawing off I see, we must shape our course +towards Piccadilly.” + </p> +<p> +They dashed through the Park, not however without being saluted by many of +his fashionable friends, who rejoiced to see that the Honourable Tom +Dashall was again to be numbered among the votaries of Real Life in +London; while the young squire, whose visionary orbs appeared to be in +perpetual motion, dazzled with the splendid equipages of the moving +panorama, was absorbed in reflections somewhat similar to the following: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“No spot on earth to me is half so fair +As Hyde-Park Corner, or St. James's Square; +And Happiness has surely fix'd her seat +In Palace Yard, Pall Mall, or Downing Street: +Are hills, and dales, and valleys half so gay +As bright St. James's on a levee day? +What fierce ecstatic transports fire my soul, +To hear the drivers swear, the coaches roll; +The Courtier's compliment, the Ladies' clack, +The satins rustle, and the whalebone crack!” + </div> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0004"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER IV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Together let us beat this ample field +Try what the open, what the covert yield: +The latent tracts, the giddy heights explore +Of all who blindly creep, or sightless soar; +Eye nature's walks, shoot folly as it flies, +And catch the manners living as they rise.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[24]</span>IT was half past five when the Hon. Tom +Dashall, and his enraptured cousin, reached the habitation of the former, +who had taken care to dispatch a groom, apprizing Mrs. Watson, the +house-keeper, of his intention to be at home by half past six to dinner; +consequently all was prepared for their reception. The style of elegance +in which Tom appeared to move, struck Tallyho at once with delight and +astonishment, as they entered the drawing-room; which was superbly and +tastefully fitted up, and commanded a cheerful view of Piccadilly. +“Welcome, my dear Bob!” said Tom to his cousin, “to all the delights of +Town—come, tell me what you think of its first appearance, only +remember you commence your studies of Life in London on a dull day; +to-morrow you will have more enlivening prospects before you.” “'Why in +truth,” replied Bob, “the rapidity of attraction is such, as at present to +leave no distinct impressions on my mind; all appears like enchantment, +and I am completely bewildered in a labyrinth of wonders, to which there +appears to be no end; but under your kind guidance and tuition I may prove +myself an apt scholar, in unravelling its intricacies.” By this time they +had approached the window. +</p> +<p> +“Aye, aye,” says Dashall, “we shall not be long, I see, without some +object to exercise your mind upon, and dispel the horrors. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Oh for that Muse of fire, whose burning pen +Records the God-like deeds of valiant men! +Then might our humble, yet aspiring verse, +Our matchless hero's matchless deeds rehearse.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[25]</span>Bob was surprised at this sudden +exclamation of his cousin, and from the introduction naturally expected +something extraordinary, though he looked around him without discovering +his object. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“That,” continued Tom, “is a Peer”—pointing to a gig just turning the +corner, “of whom it may be said: + +To many a jovial club that <i>Peer</i> was known, +With whom his active wit unrivall'd shone, +Choice spirit, grave freemason, buck and blood, +Would crowd his stories and <i>bon mots</i> to hear, +And none a disappointment e'er need fear +His humour flow'd in such a copious flood.” + </div> +<p> +“It is Lord C——, who was formerly well known as the celebrated +Major H——, the companion of the now most distinguished +personage in the British dominions! and who not long since became +possessed of his lordly honours. Some particulars of him are worth +knowing. He was early introduced into life, and often kept both good and +bad company, associating with men and women of every description and of +every rank, from the highest to the lowest—from St. James's to St. +Giles's, in palaces and night-cellars—from the drawing-room to the +dust-cart. He can drink, swear, tell stories, cudgel, box, and smoke with +any one; having by his intercourse with society fitted himself for all +companies. His education has been more practical than theoretical, though +he was brought up at Eton, where, notwithstanding he made considerable +progress in his studies, he took such an aversion to Greek that he never +would learn it. Previous to his arrival at his present title, he used to +be called Honest George, and so unalterable is his nature, that to this +hour he likes it, and it fits him better than his title. But he has often +been sadly put to his shifts under various circumstances: he was a +courtier, but was too honest for that; he tried gaming, but he was too +honest for that; he got into prison, and might have wiped off, but he was +too honest for that; he got into the coal trade, but he found it a black +business, and he was too honest for that. At drawing the long bow, so much +perhaps cannot be said—but that you know is habit, not principle; +his courage is undoubted, having fought three duels before he was twenty +years of age. +</p> +<p> +Being disappointed in his hope of promotion in the army, he resolved, in +spite of the remonstrances of his <span class="pagenum">[26]</span>friends, +to quit the guards, and solicited an appointment in one of the Hessian +corps, at that time raising for the British service in America, where the +war of the revolution was then commencing, and obtained from the Landgrave +of Hesse a captain's commission in his corps of Jagers. +</p> +<p> +Previous to his departure for America, finding he had involved himself in +difficulties by a profuse expenditure, too extensive for his income, and +an indulgence in the pleasures of the turf to a very great extent, he felt +himself under the necessity of mortgaging an estate of about 11,000L. per +annum, left him by his aunt, and which proved unequal to the liquidation +of his debts. He remained in America till the end of the war, where he +distinguished himself for bravery, and suffered much with the yellow +fever. On his return, he obtained an introduction to the Prince of Wales, +who by that time had lanched into public life, and became one of the +jovial characters whom he selected for his associates; and many are the +amusing anecdotes related of him. The Prince conferred on him the +appointment of equerry, with a salary of 300L. a year; this, however, he +lost on the retrenchments that were afterwards made in the household of +His Royal Highness. He continued, however, to be one of his constant +companions, and while in his favour they were accustomed to practice +strange vagaries. The Major was always a wag, ripe and ready for a <i>spree +or a lark</i>. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“To him a frolic was a high delight, +A frolic he would hunt for, day and night, +Careless how prudence on the sport might frown.” + </div> +<p> +At one time, when the favourite's finances were rather low, and the <i>mopusses +ran taper</i>, it was remarked among the 60 vivants of the party, that the +Major had not for some time given them an invitation. This, however, he +promised to do, and fixed the day—the Prince having engaged to make +one. Upon this occasion he took lodgings in Tottenham-court Road—went +to a wine-merchant—promised to introduce him to the royal presence, +upon his engaging to find wine for the party, which was readily acceded +to; and a dinner of three courses was served up. Three such courses, +perhaps, were never before seen; when the company were seated, two large +dishes appeared; one was placed at the top of the table, and one at the +bottom; all was anxious expectation: <span class="pagenum">[27]</span>the +covers being removed, exhibited to view, a baked shoulder of mutton at +top, and baked potatoes at the bottom. They all looked around with +astonishment, but, knowing the general eccentricity of their host, they +readily fell into his humour, and partook of his fare; not doubting but +the second course would make ample amends for the first. The wine was +good, and the Major apologized for his accommodations, being, as he said, +a family sort of man, and the dinner, though somewhat uncommon, was not +such an one as is described by Goldsmith: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“At the top, a fried liver and bacon were seen; +At the bottom was tripe, in a swinging tureen; +At the sides there were spinach and pudding made hot; +In the middle a place where the pasty—was not.” + </div> +<p> +At length the second course appeared; when lo and behold, another baked +shoulder of mutton and baked potatoes! Surprise followed surprise—but +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Another and another still succeeds.” + </div> +<p> +The third course consisted of the same fare, clearly proving that he had +in his catering studied quantity more than variety; however, they enjoyed +the joke, eat as much as they pleased, laughed heartily at the dinner, and +after bumpering till a late hour, took their departure: it is said, +however, that he introduced the wine-merchant to his Highness, who +afterwards profited by his orders.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This remarkable dinner reminds us of a laughable +caricature which made its appearance some time ago upon the +marriage of a Jew attorney, in Jewry-street, Aldgate, to the +daughter of a well-known fishmonger, of St. Peter's-alley, +Cornhill, when a certain Baronet, Alderman, Colonel, and +then Lord Mayor, opened the ball at the London Tavern, as +the partner of the bride; a circum-stance which excited +considerable curiosity and surprise at the time. We know the +worthy Baronet had been a hunter for a seat in Parliament, +but what he could be hunting among the children of Israel +is, perhaps, not so easily ascertained. We, however, are not +speaking of the character, but the caricature, which +represented the bride, not resting on Abraham's bosom, but +seated on his knee, surrounded by their guests at the +marriage-feast; while to a panel just behind them, appears +to be affixed a bill of fare, which runs thus: + +First course, Fish! + +Second course, Fish!! + +Third course, Fish!!! + +Perhaps the idea of the artist originated in the anecdote +above recorded. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[28]</span>It is reported that the Prince gave him a +commission, under an express promise that when he could not shew it, he +was no longer to enjoy his royal favour. This commission was afterwards +lost by the improvident possessor, and going to call on the donor one +morning, who espying him on his way, he threw up the sash and called out, +“Well, George, commission or no commission?” “No commission, by G——, +your Highness?” was the reply. +</p> +<p> +“Then you cannot enter here,” rejoined the prince, closing the window and +the connection at the same time. +</p> +<p> +“His Lordship now resides in the Regent's Park, and may almost nightly be +seen at a public-house in the neighbourhood, where he takes his grog and +smokes his pipe, amusing the company around him with anecdotes of his +former days; we may, perhaps, fall in with him some night in our travels, +and you will find him a very amusing and sometimes very sensible sort of +fellow, till he gets his grog on board, when he can be as boisterous and +blustering as a coal-heaver or a bully. His present fortune is impaired by +his former imprudence, but he still mingles with the sporting world, and a +short time back had his pocket picked, at a <i>milling</i> match, of a +valuable gold repeater. He has favoured the world with several literary +productions, among which are Memoirs of his own Life, embellished with a +view of the author, suspended from (to use the phrase of a late celebrated +auctioneer) a <i>hanging wood</i>; and a very elaborate treatise on the +Art of Rat-catching. In the advertisement of the latter work, the author +engages it will enable the reader to “clear any house of these noxious +vermin, however much infested, excepting only a certain great House in the +neighbourhood of St. Stephen's, Westminster."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It appears by the newspapers, that the foundation of a +certain great house in Pall Mall is rotten, and giving-way. +The cause is not stated; but as it cannot arise from being +top-heavy, we may presume that the rats have been at work +there. Query, would not an early application of the Major's +recipe have remedied the evil, and prevented the necessity +of a removal of a very heavy body, which of course, must be +attended with a very heavy expense? 'Tis a pity an old +friend should have been overlooked on such an occasion. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[29]</span>"Do you,” said Tom, pointing to a person +on the other side of the way, “see that young man, walking with a +half-smothered air of indifference, affecting to whistle as he walks, and +twirling his stick? He is a <i>once-a-week man</i>, or, in other words, a +<i>Sunday promenader</i>—Harry Hairbrain was born of a good family, +and, at the decease of his father, became possessed of ten thousand +pounds, which he sported with more zeal than discretion, so much so, that +having been introduced to the gaming table by a pretended friend, and +fluctuated between poverty and affluence for four years, he found himself +considerably in debt, and was compelled to seek refuge in an obscure +lodging, somewhere in the neighbourhood of Kilburn, in order to avoid the +<i>traps</i>; for, as he observes, he has been among the <i>Greeks and +pigeons</i>, who have completely <i>rook'd</i> him, and now want to crow +over him: he has been at hide and seek for the last two months, and, +depending on the death of a rich old maiden aunt who has no other heir, he +eventually hopes to '<i>diddle 'em</i>.'” + </p> +<p> +This narrative of Hairbrain was like Hebrew ta Tallyho, who requested his +interesting cousin, as he found himself at <i>falt, to try back</i>, and +put him on the <i>right scent</i>. +</p> +<p> +“Ha! ha! ha!” said Tom, “we must find a new London vocabulary, I see, +before we shall be able to converse intelligibly; but as you are now +solely under my tuition, I will endeavour to throw a little light upon the +subject. +</p> +<p> +“Your <i>once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader</i>, is one who confines +himself, to avoid confinement, lodging in remote quarters in the vicinity +of the Metropolis, within a mile or two of the Bridges, Oxford Street, or +Hyde-Park Corner, and is constrained to waste six uncomfortable and +useless days in the week, in order to secure the enjoyment of the seventh, +when he fearlessly ventures forth, to recruit his ideas—to give a +little variety to the sombre picture of life, unmolested, to transact his +business, or to call on some old friend, and keep up those relations with +the world which would otherwise be completely neglected or broken. +</p> +<p> +“Among characters of this description, may frequently be recognised the +remnant of fashion, and, perhaps, the impression of nobility not wholly +destroyed by adversity and seclusion—the air and manners of a man +who has <span class="pagenum">[30]</span>outlived his century, with an +assumption of <i>sans souci</i> pourtrayed in his agreeable smile, +murmur'd through a low whistle of 'Begone dull care,' or 'No more by +sorrow chased, my heart,' or played off by the flourishing of a whip, or +the rapping of a boot that has a spur attached to it, which perhaps has +not crossed a horse for many months; and occasionally by a judicious +glance at another man's carriage, horses, or appointments, which indicates +taste, and the former possession of such valuable things. These form a +part of the votaries of Real Life in London. This however,” said he +(observing his cousin in mute attention) “is but a gloomy part of the +scene; vet, perhaps, not altogether uninteresting or unprofitable.” + </p> +<p> +“I can assure you,” replied Tallyho, “I am delighted with the accurate +knowledge you appear to have of society in general, while I regret the +situation of the actors in scenes so glowingly described, and am only +astonished at the appearance of such persons.” + </p> +<p> +“You must not be astonished at appearances,” rejoined Dashall, “for +appearance is every thing in London; and I must particularly warn you not +to found your judgment upon it. There is an old adage, which says 'To <i>be</i> +poor, and <i>seem</i> poor, is the Devil all over.' Why, if you meet one +of these <i>Sunday-men</i>, he will accost you with urbanity and affected +cheerfulness, endeavouring to inspire you with an idea that he is one of +the happiest of mortals; while, perhaps, the worm of sorrow is secretly +gnawing his heart, and preying upon his constitution. Honourable +sentiment, struggling with untoward circumstances, is destroying his +vitals; not having the courage to pollute his character by a +jail-delivery, or to condescend to <i>white-washing</i>, or some low +bankrupt trick, to extricate himself from difficulty, in order to stand +upright again. +</p> +<p> +“A <i>once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader</i>, frequently takes his way +through bye streets and short cuts, through courts and alleys, as it were +between retirement and a desire to see what is going on in the scenes of +his former splendour, to take a sly peep at that world from which he seems +to be excluded.” + </p> +<p> +“And for all such men,” replied Bob, “expelled from high and from good +society, (even though I were compelled to allow by their own imprudence +and folly) I <span class="pagenum">[31]</span>should always like to have a +spare hundred, to send them in an anonymous cover.” + </p> +<p> +“You are right,” rejoined Tom, catching him ardently by the hand, “the +sentiment does honour to your head and heart; for to such men, in general, +is attached a heart-broken wife, withering by their side in the shade, as +the leaves and the blossom cling together at all seasons, in sickness or +in health, in affluence or in poverty, until the storm beats too roughly +on them, and prematurely destroys the weakest. But I must warn you not to +let your liberality get the better of your discretion, for there are +active and artful spirits abroad, and even these necessities and miseries +are made a handle for deception, to entrap the unwary; and you yet have +much to learn—Puff lived two years on sickness and misfortune, by +advertisements in the newspapers.” + </p> +<p> +“How?” enquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“You shall have it in his own words,” said Dashall. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“I suppose never man went through such a series of +“calamities in the same space of time! Sir, I was five +“times made a bankrupt and reduced from a state of +“affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! then +“Sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice +“burnt out, and lost my little all both times! I lived +“upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a +“most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs! +“That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, +“and went about col—called on you, a close prisoner +“in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted +“to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped +“for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable +“consumption! I was then reduced to—0—no—then, +“I became a widow with six helpless children—after +“having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left +“every time eight months gone with child, and without +“money to get me into an hospital!” + </div> +<p> +“Astonishing!” cried Bob, “and are such things possible?” + </p> +<p> +“A month's residence in the metropolis,” said Dashall, “will satisfy your +enquiries. One ingenious villain, a short time back, had artifice enough +to defraud the public, at different periods of his life, of upwards of one +hundred thousand pounds, and actually carried on his fraudulent schemes to +the last moment of his existence, for he <span class="pagenum">[32]</span>defrauded +Jack Ketch of his fee by hanging himself in his cell after +condemnation."{1} +</p> +<p> +Just as a tilbury was passing, “Observe,” said Tom, “the driver of that +tilbury is the celebrated Lord Cripplegate with his usual equipage—his +blue cloak with a scarlet lining, hanging loosely over the vehicle, gives +an air of importance to his appearance, and he is always attended by that +boy, who has been denominated his cupid; he is a nobleman by birth, a +gentleman by courtesy, and a gamester by profession. He exhausted a large +estate upon <i>odd and even, sevens the main</i>, &c. till having lost +sight of the <i>main chance</i>, he found it necessary to curtail his +establishment and enliven his prospects, by exchanging a first floor for a +second, without an opportunity of ascertaining whether or not these +alterations were best suited to his high notions or exalted taste; from +which in a short time he was induced, either by inclination or necessity, +to take a small lodging in an obscure street, and to sport a gig and one +horse, instead of a curricle and pair; though in former times he used to +drive four in hand, and was acknowledged to be an excellent whip. He +still, however, possessed money enough to collect together a large +quantity of halfpence, which in his hours of relaxation he managed to turn +to good account, by the following stratagem:—He distributed his +halfpence on the floor of his little parlour in straight lines, and +ascertained how many it would require to cover it; having thus prepared +himself, he invited some wealthy spendthrifts (with whom he still had the +power of associating) to sup with him, and he welcomed them to his +habitation with much cordiality. The glass circulated freely, and each +recounted his gaming or amorous adventures till a late hour, when the +effects of the bottle becoming visible, he proposed, as a momentary +suggestion, to name how many halfpence laid side by side would carpet the +floor; and offered to lay a large +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Charles Price, the well-known impostor, whose extensive +forgeries on the Bank of England rendered him notorious, may +serve as a practical illustration of Puff, for he, at +several periods of his life, carried on his system of fraud +by advertisements, and by personating the character of a +clergyman collecting subscriptions under various pretences. +His whole life is marked with determined and systematic +depravity. He hanged himself in Tothil-fields Bridewell, +where he was confined, at the age of fifty-five. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[33]</span>wager, that he would guess the nearest. +Done! done! was echoed round the room. Every one made a deposit of 100L. +and every one made a guess equally certain of success; and his lordship +declaring he had a large lot of halfpence by him, though, perhaps, not +enough, the experiment was to be tried immediately—'twas an +excellent hit! The room was cleared, to it they went, the halfpence were +arranged rank and file in military order, when it appeared that his +lordship had certainly guessed (as well he might) nearest to the number: +the consequence was, an immediate alteration of his lordship's residence +and appearance: he got one step in the world by it, he gave up his +second-hand gig for one warranted new; and a change in his vehicle may +pretty generally be considered as the barometer of his pocket. +</p> +<p> +“Do you mark, he is learing at that pretty girl on the other side of the +way? he is fond of the wenches, and has been a true votary of fashion. +Perhaps there is not a more perfect model of Real Life in London than +might be furnished from the memoirs of his lordship! He is rather a good +looking man, as he sits, and prides himself on being a striking likeness +of his present majesty; but, unfortunately, has a lameness which impedes +him in the ardour of his pursuit of game, although it must be acknowledged +he has been a game one in his time. The boy you see with him is reported +to be his own son, who is now employed by him as an assistant in all his +amorous adventures.” + </p> +<p> +“His own son!” exclaimed Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Aye, and (if so) a merrily begotten one, I'll be bound for it,” continued +Tom; “such things will happen, and his lordship has kept a very pretty +assortment of servant girls. But the introduction of this youth to public +notice was somewhat curious. It is said, that having a large party of <i>bon +vivants</i> to dine with him, on sitting down to table, and taking the +cover off one of the dishes, a plump and smiling infant appeared. A sweet +little <i>Cupid</i> by +</p> +<p> +——! (exclaimed his lordship) I'll be his father!—I'll +</p> +<p> +take care of him!—call Rose, and tell her to look out for a nurse +for him. Thus taking upon himself the character of parent and protector as +well as parson. Young <i>Cupid</i> was christened in libations of claret, +and furnished a fund of amusement for the evening. How young Cupid <span +class="pagenum">[34]</span>came there, I believe has not yet been +satisfactorily ascertained: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Who seeks a friend, should come disposed +T' exhibit, in full bloom disclosed, +The graces and the beauties +That form the character he seeks; +For 'tis an union that bespeaks +Reciprocated duties. +</div> +<p> +And thus it has proved with <i>Cupid</i>, himself the offspring of an +illicit amour, is now constantly engaged in promoting others. +</p> +<p> +“His lordship had three brothers, <i>Billingsgate! Hellgate!</i> and <i>Newgate!</i> +whose names are adorned with a similarity of perfections in the Temple of +Fame; but they are consigned to the tomb of the Capulets, and we will not +rake up the ashes of the dead."{1} +</p> +<p> +At this moment a loud knocking was heard at the door, and Mr. Sparkle was +ushered into the drawing-room, which he entered, as it were, with a hop, +step, and jump, and had Tom Dashall by the hand almost before they could +turn round to see who it was. +</p> +<p> +“My dear fellow!” exclaimed Sparkle, almost out of breath, “where have you +been to? Time has been standing still since your departure!—there +has been a complete void in nature—how do you do?—I beg +pardon, (turning to Bob) you will excuse my rapture at meeting my old +friend, whom I have lost so long, that I have almost lost myself—egad, +I have run myself out of breath—cursed unlucky I was not in the Park +this morning to see you first, but I have just heard all about you from +Lady Jane, and lost no time in paying my respects—what are you going +to do with yourself?” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 There was a delicate propriety in this conduct of the Hon. +Tom Dashall which cannot but be admired; for although they +were alone, and speaking to each other in perfect +confidence, it was always his desire to avoid as much as +possible making bad worse; he had a heart to feel, as well +as a head to think; and would rather lend a hand to raise a +fellow-creature from the mud than walk deliberately over +him; besides, he foresaw other opportunities would arise in +which, from circumstances, he would almost be compelled to +draw his Cousin's attention again to the persons in +question, and he was always unwilling to ex-haust a subject +of an interesting nature without sonic leading occurrence to +warrant it. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[35]</span>At this moment dinner was announced. +“Come,” said Tom, “let us refresh a bit, and after dinner I will tell you +all about it. We are travellers, you know, and feel a little fatigued. <i>Allons, +allons</i>.” And so saying, he led the way to the dinner-room. +</p> +<p> +“Nothing could be more <i>apropos</i>,” said Sparkle, “for although I have +two engagements beforehand, and have promised a visit to you know who in +the evening, they appear like icicles that must melt before the sun of +your re-appearance: so I am your's.” And to it they went. Tom always kept +a liberal table, and gave his friends a hearty welcome. But here it will +be necessary, while they are regaling themselves, to make our readers a +little acquainted with Charles Sparkle, Esq.; for which purpose we must +request his patience till the next chapter. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0005"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER V +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Place me, thou great Supreme, in that blest state, +Unknown to those the silly world call Great, +Where all my wants may be with ease supply'd, +Yet nought superfluous to pamper pride.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[36]</span>IT will be seen in the previous chapter, +that the formal ceremony of a fashionable introduction, such as—“Mr. +Sparkle, my friend Mr. Robert Tallyho, of Belville Hall; Mr. Tallyho, Mr. +Charles Sparkle,” was altogether omitted; indeed, the abrupt entrance of +the latter rendered it utterly impossible, for although Sparkle was really +a well-bred man, he had heard from Lady Jane of Tom's arrival with his +young friend from the country. <i>Etiquette</i> between themselves, was at +all times completely unnecessary, an air of gaiety and freedom, as the +friend of Dashall, was introduction enough to Bob, and consequently this +point of good breeding was wholly unnoticed by all the party; but we are +not yet sufficiently acquainted with our readers to expect a similar mode +of proceeding will be overlooked; we shall therefore lose no time in +giving our promised account of Mr. Sparkle, and beg to introduce him +accordingly. +</p> +<p> +Mr. Reader, Mr. Sparkle; Mr. Sparkle, Mr. Reader. +</p> +<p> +Hold, Sir, what are you about? You have bewildered yourself with +etiquette, and seem to know as little about <i>Life in London</i> as the +novice you have already introduced—By the way, that introduction was +one of the most extraordinary I ever met with; this may be equally so for +ought I know; and I really begin to suspect you are an extraordinary +fellow yourself. How can you introduce me, of whom you know nothing? +</p> +<p> +Egad, I believe you have me there—“a palpable hit, my Lord,” (or my +Lady, for I certainly cannot say which;) I was getting myself into an +awkward dilemma, but I hate suspicion— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[37]</span>Methinks I see a frown, but I meant no +offence, and if you throw down my book in a rage, you will perhaps not +only remain ignorant of Mr. Sparkle, but, what is more important, of those +other numerous fashionable characters in high and low life—of those +manners—incidents—amusements—follies—vices, &c. +which, combined together, form the true picture of Real Life in the +Metropolis. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“He who hath trod th' intricate maze, +Exploring every devious way, +Can best direct th' enquiring gaze, +And all the varied scenes display.” + </div> +<p> +Mr. Author, you are a strange rambler. +</p> +<p> +Admitted, Sir, or Ma'am, I am a rambler, who, with your permission, would +willingly not be impeded in my progress, and under such expectations I +shall proceed. +</p> +<p> +Charles Sparkle was the son and only child of a Right Hon. Member of +Parliament, now no more, whose mother dying soon after his birth, was left +destitute of that maternal kindness and solicitude which frequently has so +much influence in forming the character of the future man. +</p> +<p> +His father, a man of eccentric turn of mind, being appointed soon +afterwards to a diplomatic situation abroad, left the care of his son's +education to an elderly friend of his, who held a situation of some +importance under the then existing government, with an injunction to +conceal from the boy the knowledge of his real parent, and to bring him up +as his own child. +</p> +<p> +This important trust was executed with tenderness and fidelity; the boy +grew in strength, and ripened in intelligence, and being accustomed to +consider his protector as his parent, the father, upon returning to +England, determined not to undeceive him, until he should arrive at years +of discretion; and with this view Mr. Orford was instructed at a proper +age to send him to Oxford. +</p> +<p> +Charles, however had contracted before this period, habits and +acquaintances in London, that were completely in opposition to the +dictates and inclinations of his supposed father. He became passionately +fond of literary amusements, music, and drawing, which served to occupy +his morning hours: but his evenings were devoted to the company of +vitiated associates, who did <span class="pagenum">[38]</span>not fail to +exercise their influence over his youthful passions, and he frequently +engaged himself in unlucky and improvident adventures, which involved him +in pecuniary difficulties far beyond his stipulated income. These +circumstances were no sooner made known to the supposed parent, than they +excited his displeasure, and being carried to an unpardonable extent, he +was, at the age of eighteen, literally banished the house of his +protector, and compelled to take an obscure lodging in the vicinity of +London; the rent of which was paid for him, and a scanty allowance of one +guinea sent to him regularly every Saturday night. Thus secluded from his +old associates, it will not be wondered at that he contrived to form new +ones, and having purchased an old harpsicord, turned the musical +instruction he had received to occasional account; he also wrote some +political pamphlets which were well received. But this solitary and +dependent life was wholly unsuited to the gaiety in which he had hitherto +moved. It had, however, the effect of drawing forth talent, which perhaps +would never, but for this circumstance, have been discovered; for +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Many a gem, of purest ray serene, +The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; +Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, +And waste its sweetness on the desert air.” + </div> +<p> +His writings, &c. under the name of Oribrd, were recognised by the +real father, as the productions of a promising son: at his instigation, +and upon a promise of reform, he was again restored to his former home, +and shortly after entered as a gentleman commoner of St. Mary's, Oxford; +but not till he had, by some means or other, made the discovery that +Orford was not his real name. Congenial spirits are naturally fond of +associating, and it was here that he first became acquainted with the Hon. +Tom Dashall: they were constant companions and mutual assistants to each +other, in all their exercises as well as all their vagaries; so as to +cement a friendship and interest in each other's fate, up to the moment of +which we are now speaking. +</p> +<p> +Orford, however, was at that time more impetuous and less discreet in the +pursuit of his pleasures than his honourable friend, and after obtaining +the distinction of Bachelor of Arts, was in consequence of his imprudence +and <span class="pagenum">[39]</span>irregularities, after frequently +hair-breadth escapes, expelled the college. This circumstance, however, +appeared of little consequence to him. He hired a gig at Oxford, promising +to return in a few days, and came up to London, but had not effrontery +enough to venture into the presence of his reputed father. On arrival in +town, he put up at an inn in the Borough, where he resided till all the +money he had was exhausted, and till, as he emphatically observes, he had +actually eaten his horse and chaise. +</p> +<p> +In the mean time, the people at Oxford found he was expelled; and as he +had not returned according to appointment, he was pursued, and eventually +found: they had no doubt of obtaining their demand from his friends, and +he was arrested at the suit of the lender; which was immediately followed +by a retainer from the inn-keeper where he had resided in town. +Application was made to Mr. Orford for his liberation, without effect; in +consequence of which he became a resident in the rules of the King's +Bench, as his friends conceived by this means his habits would be +corrected and his future conduct be amended, his real father still keeping +in the back ground. +</p> +<p> +While in this confinement, he again resorted to the produce of his pen and +his talent for musical composition, and his friend Tom, at the first +vacation, did not fail to visit him. During this time, in the shape of +donation, from Mr. Orford he received occasional supplies more than equal +to his necessities, though not to his wishes. While here, he fished out +some further clue to the real parent, who visited him in disguise during +his confinement as a friend of Mr. Orford: still, however, he had no +chance of liberation, till, being one day called on by Mr. Orford, he was +informed he was at perfect liberty to leave his present abode, and was +directed to go with him immediately; a coach was called, and he heard the +direction given to drive to Bedford Square, where they arrived just time +enough to learn that the Right Hon. S. S. had breathed his last, after a +lingering illness. +</p> +<p> +Upon alighting from the coach, and receiving this information, they were +ushered into the drawing-room, and presently joined by a clergyman who had +been the chaplain of the deceased, who acquainted our adventurer of the +death of his parent—that by will he was entitled <span +class="pagenum">[40]</span>to 10,000L. per annum, and a handsome estate in +Wiltshire. This sudden reverse of fortune to Sparkle—the change from +confinement to liberty, from indigence to affluence—awakened +sensations more easily to be conceived than described. He wept, (perhaps +the first tears of sincerity in his life; ) his heart was subdued by an +overwhelming flood of affection for that unknown being, whom he now found +had been his constant guardian angel, alternately taking Orford and the +reverend Divine by the hand, and hiding his head in the bosom of his +reputed father. At length they led him to the room in which were the +remains of his lamented parent. +</p> +<p> +There are perhaps few circumstances better calculated to impress awe on +the youthful mind than the contemplation of those features in death which +have been respected and revered while living. Such respect had ever been +entertained by Charles Sparkle for the supposed friend of Mr. Orford, from +whom he had several times received the most kind and affectionate advice; +and his sensations upon discovering that friend to be no other than his +own father, may be more easily conceived than described—he was at +once exalted and humbled, delighted and afflicted. He threw himself in an +agony of feeling by the bed-side, fell on his knees, in which he was +joined by the clergyman and Orford, where he remained some time. +</p> +<p> +After the first paroxysms of grief had subsided, young Sparkle, who had +already felt the strongest impression that could possibly be made on a +naturally good heart, gave orders for the funeral of his deceased father, +and then proceeded to make other arrangements suitable to the character he +was hereafter to sustain through life, went down to Wiltshire, and took +possession of his estate, where for a time he secluded himself, and +devoted his attention to the perusal of the best authors in the English, +French, and Italian language, under the superintendence of the reverend +Divine, who had been a resident for many years with his father. +</p> +<p> +But a life in the country could not long have superior charms for a young +man who had already seen much to admire, as well as much to avoid, in the +metropolis. The combination however of theoretical information he had +derived from books, as well as the practical observations he had made +during his residence in London, fitted him at once for the gayest and most +distinguished circles of <span class="pagenum">[41]</span>metropolitan +society. He therefore arranged with Mr. Orford, who had formerly acted as +his parent, to continue with him in the capacity of steward, and for the +last two years of his life had been almost a constant resident at “Long's +Hotel”, in Bond Street, not choosing to have the charge of an +establishment in town; and the early friendship and attachment which had +been cultivated at Oxford being again renewed, appeared to grow with their +growth, and strengthen with their strength. +</p> +<p> +Sparkle had still a large portion of that vivacity for which he was so +remarkable in his younger days. His motives and intentions were at all +times good, and if he indulged himself in the pursuits of frolic and fun, +it was never at the expence of creating an unpleasant feeling to an honest +or honourable mind. His fortune was ample. He had a hand to give, and a +heart to forgive; no “malice or hatred were there to be found:” but of +these qualifications, and the exercise of them, sufficient traits will be +given in the ensuing pages. No man was better <i>up</i> to the rigs of the +town; no one better <i>down</i> to the manoeuvres of the <i>flats</i>, and +<i>sharps</i>. He had mingled with life in all companies; he was at once +an elegant and interesting companion; his views were extensive upon all +subjects; his conversation lively, and his manners polished. +</p> +<p> +Such, gentle reader, is the brief sketch of Charles Sparkle, the esteemed +friend of the Hon. Tom Dashall, and with such recommendations it will not +be wondered at if he should become also the friend of Tally-ho; for, +although living in the height of fashionable splendour, his mind was at +all times in consonance with the lines which precede this chapter; yet +none could be more ready to lend a hand in any pleasant party in pursuit +of a bit of <i>gig. A mill at Moulsey Hurst—a badger-bait, or +bear-bait—a main at the Cock-pit—a smock-race</i>—or a +scamper to the Tipping hunt, ultimately claimed his attention; while upon +all occasions he was an acute observer of life and character. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“His years but young, but his experience old, +His heart unmellow'd, though his judgment ripe, +And in a word, (for far behind his worth +Come all the praises that we now bestow) +He is complete in conduct and in mind, +With all good grace, to grace a gentleman.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[42]</span>But dinner is over, and we must now +accompany our triumvirate to the drawing-room, where we find them seated +with bottles, glasses, &c. determined to make a quiet evening after +the fatigues of the journey, and with a view to prepare themselves for the +more arduous, and to Tally-ho more interesting, pursuits in the new world, +for such he almost considered London. +</p> +<p> +“Yes,” said Sparkle, addressing himself to Bob, with whom a little +previous conversation had almost rendered him familiar, “London is a world +within itself; it is, indeed, the only place to see life—it is the “<i>multum +in parvo</i>,” as the old song says, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Would you see the world in little, +Ye curious here repair;” + </div> +<p> +it is the acmé of perfection, the “<i>summum bonum</i>” of style—-indeed, +there is a certain affectation of style from the highest to the lowest +individual.” + </p> +<p> +“You are a merry and stylish fellow,” said Tom; we should have been hipp'd +without you, there is a fund of amusement in you at all times.” + </p> +<p> +“You are a bit of a wag,” replied Sparkle, “but I am up to your gossip, +and can serve you out in your own style.” + </p> +<p> +“Every body,” says Tallyho, “appears to live in style.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “<i>living in style</i> is one of the most +essential requisites for a residence in London; but I'll give you my idea +of living in style, which, by many, is literally nothing more than keeping +up appearances at other people's expence: for instance, a Duchess +conceives it to consist in taking her breakfast at three o'clock in the +afternoon—dining at eight—playing at Faro till four the next +morning—supping at five, and going to bed at six—and to eat +green peas and peaches in January—in making a half-curtsey at the +creed, and a whole one to a scoundrel—in giving fifty guineas to an +exotic capon for a pit-ticket—and treating the deserved claims of a +parental actor with contempt—to lisp for the mere purpose of +appearing singular, and to seem completely ignorant of the Mosaic law—to +be in the reverse of extremes—to laugh when she could weep, and weep +when she could .dance and be merry—to leave her compliment cards +with her acquaintance, whom at the same moment she wishes she may never +see again—to speak of the community <span class="pagenum">[43]</span>with +marked disrespect, and to consider the sacrament a bore!” + </p> +<p> +“Admirable!” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“Wonderful, indeed!” exclaimed Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Aye, aye, London is full of wonders—there is a general and +insatiate appetite for the marvellous; but let us proceed: Now we'll take +the reverse of the picture. The Duke thinks he does things in style, by +paying his debts of honour contracted at the gaming-table, and but very +few honourable debts—by being harsh and severe to a private +supplicant, while he is publicly a liberal subscriber to a person he never +saw—by leaving his vis-a-vis at the door of a well-known courtesan, +in order to have the credit of an intrigue—in making use of an +optical glass for personal inspection, though he can ascertain the horizon +without any—by being or seeming to be, every thing that is in +opposition to nature and virtue—in counting the lines in the Red +Book, and carefully watching the importation of <i>figurantes</i> from the +Continent—in roundly declaring that a man of fashion is a being of a +superior order, and ought to be amenable only to himself—in jumbling +ethics and physics together, so as to make them destroy each other—in +walking arm in arm with a sneering jockey—talking loudly any thing +but sense—and in burning long letters without once looking at their +contents;... and so much for my Lord Duke.” + </p> +<p> +“Go along Bob!” exclaimed Tom. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho conceiving himself addressed by this, looked up with an air of +surprise and enquiry, which excited the risibility of Dashall and Sparkle, +till it was explained to him as a common phrase in London, with which he +would soon become more familiar. Sparkle continued. +</p> +<p> +“The gay young Peerling, who is scarcely entitled to the honours and +immunities of manhood, is satisfied he is <i>doing things in style</i>, by +raising large sums of money on <i>post-obit</i> bonds, at the very +moderate premium of 40 per cent.—in <i>queering</i> the clergyman at +his father's table, and leaving the marks of his finger and thumb on the +article of matrimony in his aunt's prayer-book—in kicking up a row +at the theatre, when he knows he has some roaring bullies at his elbow, +though humble and dastardly when alone—in keeping a dashing <i>impure</i>, +who publicly squanders away his money, and privately laughs at his follies—in +buying a phaeton as high as a two pair of stairs <span class="pagenum">[44]</span>window, +and a dozen of spanking bays at Tattersall's, and in dashing through St. +James's Street, Pall Mall, Piccadilly, and Hyde Park, thus accompanied and +accoutred, amidst the contumelies of the coxcombs and the sighs of the +worthy. And these are pictures of high life, of which the originals are to +be seen daily. +</p> +<p> +“The haberdasher of Cheapside, whose father, by adherence to the most +rigid economy, had amassed a competence, and who transmitted his property, +without his prudence, to his darling son, is determined to shew his +spirit, by buying a <i>bit of blood</i>, keeping his gig, his girl, and a +thatched cottage on the skirts of Epping Forest, or Sydenham Common; but +as keeping a girl and a gig would be a nothing unless all the world were +<i>up to it</i>, he regularly drives her to all the boxing-matches, the +Epping hunt, and all the races at Barnet, Epsom, Egham, and Ascot Heath, +where he places himself in one of the most conspicuous situations; and as +he knows his racing, &c. must eventually distinguish his name in the +Gazette with a whereas! he rejoices in the progress and acceleration of +his own ruin, and, placing his arms akimbo, he laughs, sings, swears, +swaggers, and vociferates—'What d'ye think o' that now,—is'nt +this doing it in stile, eh?' +</p> +<p> +“Prime of life to go it, where's a place like London? Four in hand to-day, +the next you may be undone.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0005"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page044.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page44 Epson Racers "><br> +</div> +<p> +“Well, Sir, the mercer's wife, from Watling Street, thinks living in style +is evinced by going once a year to a masquerade at the new Museodeum, or +Argyle Rooms; having her daughters taught French, dancing, and music—dancing +a minuet at Prewterers' Hall, or Mr. Wilson's{1} annual benefit—in +getting a good situation in the green boxes—going to Hampstead or +Copenhagen House in a glass coach on a Sunday—having card-parties at +home +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Mr. Wilson's flaming bills of “Dancing at the Old Bailey,” + which are so profusely stuck up about the city, are said to +have occasioned several awkward jokes and blunders; among +others related, is that of a great unintellectual Yorkshire +booby, who, after staring at the bills with his mouth open, +and his saucer eyes nearly starting out of his head with +astonishment, exclaimed, “Dang the buttons on't, I zee'd urn +dangling all of a row last Wednesday at t' Ould Bailey, but +didn't know as how they call'd that danzing,—by gum there +be no understanding these here Lunnun folk!” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[45]</span>during Lent, declaring she never drinks +any thing else but the <i>most bestest</i> gunpowder tea, that she has a +most <i>screwciating</i> cold, and that the country air is always <i>salubrus</i>, +and sure to do her good. +</p> +<p> +“So much for living in style, and good breeding.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“That's your true breeding—that's your sort my boys— +Fun, fire, and pathos—metre, mirth, and noise; +To make you die with laughter, or the hiccups, +Tickle your favourites, or smash your tea-cups.” + </div> +<p> +“By the way, in former times the term <i>good-breeding</i> meant a +combination of all that was amiable and excellent; and a well-bred person +would shrink from an action or expression that could possibly wound the +feelings of another; its foundation was laid in truth, and its supporting +pillars were justice and integrity, sensibility and philanthropy; but +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“In this gay age—in Taste's enlighten'd times, +When Fashion sanctifies the basest crimes; +E'en not to swear and game were impolite, +Since he who sins in <i>style</i> must sure be right.” + </div> +<p> +A well-bred person must learn to smile when he is angry, and to laugh even +when he is vexed to the very soul. +</p> +<p> +“It would be the height of <i>mauvaise honte</i> for a wellbred person to +blush upon any occasions whatever; no young lady blushes after eleven +years of age; to study the expression of the countenance of others, in +order to govern your own, is indispensably necessary. +</p> +<p> +“In former times, no well-bred person would have uttered a falsehood; but +now such ideas are completely exploded, and such conduct would now be +termed a <i>bore</i>. My Lord Portly remarks, 'It is a cold day.' 'Yes, my +Lord, it is a very cold day,' replies Major Punt. In two minutes after, +meeting Lord Lounge, who observes he thinks the weather very warm—'Yes, +very warm, my Lord,' is the reply—thus contradicting himself almost +in the same breath. It would be perfectly inconsistent in a well-bred man +to think, for fear of being absent. When he enters or leaves a +drawing-room, he should round his shoulders, drop his head, and imitate a +clown or a coachman. This has the effect of the best <i>ruse de guerre</i>—for +it serves to astonish the ladies, when they afterwards <span +class="pagenum">[46]</span>discover, by the familiarity of his address, +and his unrestrained manners, what a well-bred man he is; for he will +address every fair one in the room in the most enchanting terms, except +her to whom in the same party he had previously paid the most particular +attention; and on her he will contrive to turn his back for the whole +evening, and if he is a man of fashion, he will thus cause triumph to the +other ladies, and save the neglected fair one from envious and slanderous +whisperings.” + </p> +<p> +“An admirable picture of living in style, and good breeding, indeed!” + cried Tom. “The game is in view and well worth pursuit; so hark forward! +hark forward! my boys.” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle, now recollecting his engagement—with “you know who” as he +significantly observed in the last Chapter, withdrew, after promising to +take a stroll by way of killing an hour or two with them in the morning; +and Tom and his Cousin soon after retired to rest— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Perchance to sleep, perchance to dream.” + </div> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0006"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER VI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“The alarm was so strong. +So loud and so long, +?Twas surely some robber, or sprite, +Who without any doubt +Was prowling about +To fill ev'ry heart with affright.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[47]</span>THE smiles of a May morning, bedecked +with the splendid rays of a rising sun, awakened Tallyho about five +o'clock, and being accustomed to rise early in the country, he left the +downy couch of soft repose, and sought his way down stairs. Not a sound of +any kind was to be heard in the house, but the rattling of the carts and +the coaches in the streets, with the deep-toned accompaniment of a +dustman's bell, and an occasional <i>ab libitum</i> of “Clothes—clothes +sale,” gave Bob an idea that all the world was moving. However he could +find nobody up; he walked into the drawing-room, amused himself for some +time by looking out of the window, indulging his observations and remarks, +without knowing what to make of the moving mass of incongruities which met +his eye, and wondering what time the servants of the house would wake: he +tried the street-door, but found it locked, bolted, and chained; and if he +had known where to have found his friend Tom, he would have aroused him +with <i>the View halloo</i>. +</p> +<p> +“It is strange,” thought he to himself, “all the world seems abroad, and +yet not a soul stirring here!” Then checking the current of his +reflections, “But this,” said he, “is Life in London. Egad! I must not +make a noise, because it will not be <i>good breeding</i>.” In this wray +he sauntered about the house for near two hours, till at last espying his +portmanteau, which had been left in the passage by the servants the +previous evening—“I'll carry this up stairs,” said he, “by way of +amusement;” and carelessly shouldering the portmanteau, he was walking +<span class="pagenum">[48]</span>deliberately up stairs, when his ears +were suddenly attracted by a loud cry of “Murder, murder, thieves, +murder!” and the violent ringing of a bell. Alarmed at these extraordinary +sounds, which appeared to be near him at a moment when he conceived no +soul was stirring, he dropped his portmanteau over the banisters, which +fell, (demolishing in its way an elegant Grecian patent lamp with glass +shades, drops, &c.) into the passage below with a hideous crash, while +the cry of Murder, thieves, murder, was repeated by many voices, and +rendered him almost immoveable. In the next moment, the butler, the cook, +the groom, and indeed every person in the house, appeared on the +stair-case, some almost in a state of nudity, and shrinking from each +other's gaze, and all armed with such weapons as chance had thrown in +their way, to attack the supposed depredator. +</p> +<p> +Among the rest, fortunately for Tallyho, (who stood balancing himself +against the banisters in a state of indecision whether he should ascend or +descend) Tom Dashall in his night-gown burst out of his room in alarm at +the noise, with a brace of pistols, one in his hand in the very act of +cocking it, and the other placed in convenient readiness under his left +arm. “Why, what the devil is the matter?” vociferated he, and at that +moment his eye caught the agitated figure of his Cousin Bob, on the +half-landing place below him. At the sound of his well-known voice, the +innocent and unsuspecting cause of this confusion and alarm looked up at +his friend, as if half afraid and half ashamed of the occurrence, and +stammered out, “Where is the thief?—Who is murdered?—I'll +swear there is something broke somewhere—tell me which way to go!” + Tom looked around him at the group of half-clad nymphs and swains, (who +were now huddling together, conceiving their security lay in combination, +and finding all eyes were placed with astonishment and wonder on Bob) +began to see through what had happened, and burst into an immoderate fit +of laughter; which relieved the frightened damsels, but so confounded poor +Tallyho, that he scarcely knew whether he was standing on his head or his +heels. “Why,” said Tom, addressing himself to his Cousin, “you will get +yourself murdered if you go wandering about people's houses at the dead of +the night in this manner—are you asleep or awake?—who have you +made an assignation with—or <span class="pagenum">[49]</span>where +are you going to—what are you up to, Master Bobby, eh?—These +tricks won't do here!” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“Is't Love's unhallow'd flame invites to roam, +And bids you from your pillow creep? +Or say, why thus disturb my peaceful home, +Like Macbeth, who doth murder sleep.” + </div> +<p> +Tallyho was unable to reply: he looked down over the banister—he +looked up at the risible features of Tom Dashall, who was almost bursting +at the ludicrous situation in which he found his friend and his servants. +“Come,” said Tom, “there are no thieves—all's right”—to the +servants, “you may quiet your minds and go to business. Bob, I'll be down +with you presently.” Upon this, the stair-case was cleared in an instant +of all but the unfortunate Tallyho; and peace appeared to be restored in +the family, but not to Bob's mind, conceiving he had committed a gross +violation of good breeding, and shewn but a bad specimen of his aptitude +to become a learner of London manners. It must be confessed, it was rather +an awkward commencement; however, in a few minutes, recovering himself +from the fright, he crawled gently down the stairs, and took a survey of +the devastation he had made—cursed the lamp, d——d the +portmanteau—then snatching it from the ruin before him, and again +placing his luggage on his shoulder, he quietly walked up stairs to his +bed-room. +</p> +<p> +It is much to be lamented in this wonderful age of discovery and continual +improvement, that our philosophers have not yet found out a mode of +supplying the place of glass (as almost every thing else) with cast-iron. +The substitution of gas for oil has long been talked of, as one of +national importance, even so much so, that one man, whose ideas were as +brilliant as his own experiments, has endeavoured to shew that its produce +would in a short time pay off the national debt!{1} +</p> +<p> +“A consummation devoutly to be wished;” and experience has taught the +world at large there is nothing impossible, nor is there any one in +existence more credulous than honest John Bull. But we are +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Mr. Winsor, the original lecturer on the powers of gas, in +Pall Mall. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[50]</span>digressing from the adventure of the +lamp, however it was occasioned, by clearly proving it was not a <i>patent +safety-lamp</i>: and that among the luxuries of the Hon. Tom Dashall's +habitation, gas had not yet been introduced, will speedily be discovered. +</p> +<p> +Upon arriving in his bed-room, wondering within himself how he should +repair the blundering mistake, of which he had so unluckily been the +unwilling and unconscious author, he found himself in a new dilemma, as +the receptacle of the oil had fallen with the lamp, and plentifully +bedewed the portmanteau with its contents, so that he had now transferred +the savoury fluid to his coat, waistcoat, cravat, and shirt. What was to +be done in such a case? He could not make his appearance in that state; +but his mortifications were not yet at an end— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Hills over hills, and Alps on Alps arise.” + </div> +<p> +The key of his portmanteau was missing; he rummaged all his pockets in +vain—he turned them inside out—it was not here—it was +not there; enraged at the multiplicity of disappointments to which he was +subjected, he cut open the leathern carriage of his wardrobe with a +penknife; undressed, and re-dressed himself; by which time it was +half-past eight o'clock. His Cousin Tom, who had hurried down according to +promise, had in the mean time been making enquiry after him, and now +entered the room, singing, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“And all with attention would eagerly mark: +When he cheer'd up the pack—Hark! to Rockwood hark! hark!” + </div> +<p> +At the sight of Dashall, he recovered himself from his embarrassment, and +descended with him to the breakfast-parlour. +</p> +<p> +“Did you send to Robinson's?” enquired Tom of one of the servants, as they +entered the room. “Yes, Sir,” was the reply; “and Weston's too?” continued +he; being answered in the affirmative, “then let us have breakfast +directly.” Then turning to Bob, “Sparkle,” said he, “promised to be with +us about eleven, for the purpose of taking a stroll; in the mean time we +must dress and make ready.”—“Dress,” said Bob, “Egad! I have dressed +and made ready twice already this morning.” He then <span class="pagenum">[51]</span>recounted +the adventures above recorded; at which Dashall repeatedly burst into fits +of immoderate laughter. Breakfast being over, a person from Mr. Robinson's +was announced, and ushered into the room. +</p> +<p> +A more prepossessing appearance had scarcely met Bob's eye—a tall, +elegant young man, dressed in black, cut in the extreme of fashion, whose +features bespoke intelligence, and whose air and manner were indicative of +a something which to him was quite new. He arose upon his entrance, and +made a formal bow; which was returned by the youth. “Good morning, +gentlemen.”—“Good morning, Mr. R——,” said Tom, +mentioning a name celebrated by +</p> +<p> +Pope in the following lines: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“But all my praises, why should lords engross? +Bise, honest Muse, and sing the man of Boss.” + </div> +<p> +“I am happy to have the honour of seeing you in town again, Sir! The +fashionables are mustering very strong, and the prospect of the +approaching coronation appears to be very attractive.” During this time he +was occupied in opening a leathern case, which contained combs, brushes, +&c.; then taking off his coat, he appeared in a jacket with an apron, +which, like a fashionable <i>pinafore</i> of the present day, nearly +concealed his person, from his chin to his toes. “Yes,” replied Dashall, +“the coronation is a subject of deep importance just now in the circles of +fashion,” seating himself in his chair, in readiness for the operator,{1} +who, Bob now discovered, was no other than the <i>Peruquier</i>. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The progress of taste and refinement is visible in all +situations, and the language of putting has become so well +understood by all ranks of society, that it is made use of +by the most humble and obscure tradesmen of the metropolis. +One remarkable instance ought not to be omitted here. In a +narrow dirty street, leading from the Temple towards +Blackfriars, over a small triangular-fronted shop, scarcely +big enough to hold three persons at a time, the eye of the +passing traveller is greeted with the following welcome +information, painted in large and legible characters, the +letters being each nearly a foot in size:— + +HAIR CUT AND MODERNIZED!!! + +This is the true “<i>Multum in parvo</i> “—a combination of +the “<i>Utile et dulce</i>,” the very acme of perfection. +Surely, after this, to Robinson, Vickery, Boss, and Cryer, we +may say—“Ye lesser stars, hide your diminished heads.” + +The art of puffing may be further illustrated by the +following specimen of the Sublime, which is inserted here +for the information of such persons as, residing in the +country, have had no opportunity of seeing the original. +“R—— makes gentlemen's and ladies' perukes on an entire +new system; which for lightness, taste, and ease, are +superior to any other in Europe. He has exerted the genius +and abilities of the first artists to complete his +exhibition of ornamental hair, in all its luxuriant +varieties, where the elegance of nature and convenience of +art are so blended, as at once to rival and ameliorate each +other. Here his fair patrons may uninterruptedly examine the +effects of artificial tresses, or toupees of all +complexions, and, in a trial on themselves, blend the +different tints with their own!” + +The strife for pre-eminence in this art is not however +confined to this country; for we find an instance recorded +in an American newspaper, which may perhaps be equally +amusing and acceptable:— + +“A. C. D. La vigne, having heard of the envious expressions +uttered by certain common barbers, miserable chin-scrapers, +and frizulary quacks, tending to depreciate that superiority +which genius is entitled to, and talents will invariably +command, hereby puts them and their vulgar arts at defiance; +and, scorning to hold parley with such sneaking imps, +proposes to any gentleman to defend and maintain, at his +shop, the head quarters of fashion, No. 6, South Gay Street, +against all persons whomsoever, his title to supremacy in +curlery, wiggery, and razory, to the amount of one hundred +dollars and upwards. As hostile as he is to that low style +of puffery adopted by a certain adventurer, 'yclept Higgins, +Lavigne cannot avoid declaring, in the face of the world, +that his education has been scientifical; that after having +finished his studies at Paris, he took the tour of the +universe, having had the rare fortune of regulating the +heads of Catherine the Second, and the Grand Turk; the King +of Prussia, and the Emperor of China; the Mamelukes of +Egypt, and the Dey of Algiers; together with all the ladies +of their respective Courts. He has visited the Cape of Good +Hope, India, Java, Madagascar, Tartary, and Kamschatka, +whence he reached the United States by the way of Cape Horn. +In England he had previously tarried, where he delivered +Lectures on Heads in great style. He has at last settled in +Baltimore, determined to devote the remainder of his days to +the high profession to which his des-tiny has called him; +inviting all the literati, the lovers of the arts and +sciences, to visit him at his laboratory of beauty, where he +has separate rooms for accommodating ladies and gentlemen, +who desire to adorn their heads with <i>hair</i>udition. “Can +France, England—nay, the world itself, produce such +another specimen of puffing and barberism? +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[53]</span>"And pray,” continued Tom, “what is there +new in the haut ton? Has there been any thing of importance to attract +attention since my absence? “Nothing very particular,” was the reply—“all +very dull and flat. Rumour however, as usual, has not been inactive; two +or three trifling faux pas, and—oh!—yes—two duels—one +in the literary world: two authors, who, after attacking each other with +the quill, chose to decide their quarrel with the pistol, and poor Scot +lost his life! But how should authors understand such things? The other +has made a great noise in the world—You like the Corinthian cut, I +believe, Sir?” + </p> +<p> +“I believe so too,” said Tom—“but don't you cut the duel so short—who +were the parties?” + </p> +<p> +“Oh! aye, why one, Sir, was a celebrated leader of ton, no other than Lord +Shampêtre, and the other Mr. Webb, a gentleman well known: it was a sort +of family affair. His lordship's gallantry and courage, however, were put +to the test, and the result bids fair to increase his popularity. The +cause was nothing very extraordinary, but the effect had nearly proved +fatal to his Lordship.” + </p> +<p> +“What, was he wounded?” enquired Tom. +</p> +<p> +“It was thought so at first,” replied the <i>Peruquier</i>, “but it was +afterwards discovered that his Lordship had only fainted at the report of +his opponent's pistol.” + </p> +<p> +“Ha! ha! ha!” said Tom, “then it was a bloodless battle—but I should +like to know more of the particulars.” + </p> +<p> +“Hold your head a little more this way, Sir, if you please—that will +do, I thank you, Sir;—why, it appears, that in attempting to fulfil +an assignation with Mr. Webb's wife, the husband, who had got scent of the +appointment, as to place and time, lustily cudgelled the dandy Lord +Whiskerphiz, and rescued his own brows from certain other fashionable +appendages, for which he had no relish. His Lordship's whiskers were +injured, by which circumstance some people might conceive his features and +appearance must have been improved, however that was not his opinion; his +bones were sore, and his mind (that is to say, as the public supposed) +hurt. The subject became a general theme of conversation, a Commoner had +thrashed a Lord!—flesh and blood could not bear it—but then +such flesh and blood could as little bear the thought of a duel—Lord +Polly was made the bearer of a challenge—a meeting took place, and +at the first fire his Lordship fell. A fine subject for the caricaturists, +and they have not failed to make a good use of it. The fire of his +Lordship's features <span class="pagenum">[54]</span>was so completely +obscured by his whiskers and mustachios, that it was immediately concluded +the shot had proved mortal, till Lord Polly (who had taken refuge for +safety behind a neighbouring tree) advancing, drew a bottle from his +pocket, which, upon application to his nose, had the desired effect of +restoring the half-dead duellist to life and light. The Seconds +interfered, and succeeded in bringing the matter to a conclusion, and +preventing the expected dissolution of Shampetre, who, report says, has +determined not to place himself in such a perilous situation again. The +fright caused him a severe illness, from which he has scarcely yet +recovered sufficiently to appear in public—I believe that will do, +Sir; will you look in the glass—can I make any alteration?” + </p> +<p> +“Perhaps not in your story,” replied Tom; “and as to my head, so as you do +not make it like the one you have been speaking of, I rely solely on your +taste and judgment.” + </p> +<p> +The Peruquier made his bow—“Sir, your politeness is well known!” + then turning to Tallyho, “Will you allow me the honour of officiating for +you, Sir?” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly,” replied Bob, who by this time had seen the alteration made in +his Cousin's appearance, as well as been delighted with the account of the +duel, at which they all laughed during the narration—and immediately +prepared for action, while Dashall continued his enquiries as to the +fashionable occurrences during his absence. +</p> +<p> +“There have been some other circumstances, of minor importance,” continued +the Peruquier—“it is said that a certain Lord, of high military +character, has lost considerable sums of money, and seriously impaired his +fortune—Lord —— and a friend are completely ruined at +hazard—there was a most excellent mill at Moulsey Hurst on Thursday +last, between the Gas-light man, who appears to be a game chicken, and a +prime hammerer—he can give and take with any man—and Oliver—Gas +beat him hollow, it was all Lombard-street to a china orange. The Masked +Festival on the 18th is a subject of considerable attraction, and wigs of +every nature, style, and fashion, are in high request for the occasion—The +Bob, the Tye, the Natural Scratch, the Full Bottom, the Queue, the Curl, +the Clerical, the Narcissus, the Auricula, the Capital, the Corinthian, +the Roman, the Spanish, the French, the Dutch—oh! we are full of +business just now. Speaking of the art, by the by, reminds me of a +circumstance which occurred a very <span class="pagenum">[55]</span>short +time back, and which shows such a striking contrast between the low-bred +citizens, and the True Blues of the West!—have the kindness to hold +your head a little on one side, Sir, if you please—a little more +towards the light, if you please—that will do excellently—why +you'll look quite another thing!—From the country, I presume?” “You +are right,” said Bob, “but I don't want a wig just yet.” + </p> +<p> +“Shall be happy to fit you upon all occasions—masquerade, ball, or +supper, Sir: you may perhaps wish to go out, as we say in the West, in +coy.—happy to receive your commands at any time, prompt attention +and dispatch.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds! you are clipping the wig too close,” said Tom, impatient to hear +the story, “and if you go on at this rate, you won't leave us even the <i>tail</i> +(tale).” + </p> +<p> +“Right, Sir, I take—'and thereby hangs a tale.' The observation is +in point, <i>verbum sat</i>, as the latinist would say. Well, Sir, as I +was saying, a citizen, with a design to outdo his neighbours, called at +one of the first shops in London a very short time since, and gave +particular orders to have his <i>pericranium</i> fitted with a wig of the +true royal cut. The dimensions of his upper story were taken—the +order executed to the very letter of the instructions—it fitted like +wax—it was nature—nay it soared beyond nature—it was the +perfection of art—the very acmé of science! Conception was outdone, +and there is no power in language to describe it. He was delighted; his +wife was charmed with the idea of a new husband, and he with his new wig; +but +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Now comes the pleasant joke of all, +?Tis when too close attack'd we fall.” + </div> +<p> +The account was produced—-would you believe it, he refused to have +it—he objected to the price.” + </p> +<p> +“The devil take it!” said Tom, “object to pay for the acme of perfection; +this unnaturally natural wig would have fetched any money among the +collectors of curiosities.” + </p> +<p> +“What was the price?” enquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Trifling, Sir, very trifling, to an artist 'of the first water,' as a +jeweller would say by his diamonds—only thirty guineas!!!” + </p> +<p> +“Thirty guineas!” exclaimed Bob, starting from his seat, and almost +overturning the <i>modernizer</i> of his head. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[56]</span>Then, recollecting Sparkle's account of +Living in Style, and Good Breeding, falling gently into his seat again. +</p> +<p> +“Did I hurt you, Sir?” exclaimed the Peruquier. +</p> +<p> +Dashall bit his lip, and smiled at the surprise of his Cousin, which was +now so visibly depicted in his countenance. +</p> +<p> +“Not at all,” replied Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“In two minutes more, Sir, your head will be a grace to; Bond Street or +St. James's; it cuts well, and looks well; and if you will allow me to +attend you once a month, it will continue so.” + </p> +<p> +Tom hummed a tune, and looked out of the window; the other two were silent +till Bob was released. Tom <i>tip'd the blunt</i>, and the interesting +young man made his congé, and departed. +</p> +<p> +“A very interesting and amusing sort of person,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied Tom, “he is a walking volume of information: he knows +something of every thing, and almost of every body. He has been in better +circumstances, and seen a great deal of life; his history is somewhat +remarkable, and some particulars, not generally known, have excited a +considerable portion of interest in his fate among those who are +acquainted with them. He is the son, before marriage, of a respectable and +worthy tradesman, a celebrated vender of bear's grease,{1} lately +deceased, who +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The infallibility of this specimen cannot possibly be +doubted, after reading the following + +Advertisement: +“Bear's grease has virtues, many, great and rare; +To hair decay'd, life, health, and vigour giving; + +?Tis sold by——, fam'd for cutting hair, + +At ——-.—————————————————- living. + +Who then would lose a head of hair for trying? +A thousand tongues are heard 'I won't,' replying; + +T——r no doubt with bear's grease can supply +A thousand more, when they're dispos'd to buy. + +No deception!—Seven Bears publicly exhibited in seven +months, and not an agent on the globe's surface.—Sold upon +oath, from 1L. to 10s. 6d. The smallest child will direct +to ——, near the church—a real Bear over the door, +where a good peruke is charged 1L.. 10s. equal to those +produced by Mr. T., at B——ss's, for 2L. 12s. 6d.—Scalp +10s. 6d. and 6d. only for hair-cutting—never refusing one +shilling. + +N. B. Bear's-grease effects wonders for the knees &c. of +horses.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[57]</span>resided in the vicinity of Cornhill, and +was for many years brought up under his roof as his nephew; in which +situation, the elegance of his person, the vivacity of his disposition, +and the general information he acquired, became subjects of attraction. +His education was respectable for his situation, and his allowance +liberal. His father however marrying a young lady of some property, and +he, 'gay, light, and airy,' falling into bad hands, found his finances not +sufficient to support the company he kept, and by these means involved +himself in pecuniary difficulties, which, however, (if report say true) +were more than once or twice averted by the indulgent parent. In the +course of time, the family was increased by two sons, but he continued the +flower of the flock. At length it was intended by his father to retire, in +part, from business, and leave its management to this young man, and +another who had been many years in his service, and whose successful +endeavours in promoting his interest were well deserving his +consideration; and the writings for this purpose were actually drawn up. +Previous however to their execution, he was dispatched to Edinburgh, to +superintend an extensive concern of his father's in that city, where, +meeting with an amiable young lady with some expectations, he married +without the consent of his parent, a circumstance which drew down upon him +the good man's displeasure. +</p> +<p> +“Not at all dismayed at this, he almost immediately left his father's +shop, and set up business for himself in the same neighbourhood, where he +continued for two or three years, living, as it was supposed, upon the +produce of his matrimonial connexion. At length, however, it was +discovered that he was insolvent, and bankruptcy became the consequence. +Here he remained till affairs were arranged, and then returned to London +with his wife and two children. +</p> +<p> +“In the mean time, the legitimate family of his father had become useful +in the business, and acquainted with his former indiscretions, which, +consequently, were not likely to be obliterated from the old gentleman's +recollection. Without money and without prospect, he arrived in London, +where, for some unliquidated debt, he was arrested and became a resident +in the King's Bench, from which he was liberated by the Insolvent Debtor's +Act. Emancipated from this, he took small shops, or rather rooms, in +various parts of the city, vainly endeavouring to <span class="pagenum">[58]</span>support +the character he had formerly maintained. These however proved abortive. +Appeals to his father were found fruitless, and he has consequently, after +a series of vicissitudes, been compelled to act as a journeyman. +</p> +<p> +In the career of his youth, he distinguished himself as a dashing, +high-spirited fellow. He was selected as fuegel man to a regiment of +Volunteers, and made himself conspicuous at the celebrated O. P. row, at +the opening of Covent Garden Theatre, on which occasion he attracted the +notice of the Caricaturists,{1} and was generally known in the circles of +High Life, by his attendance on the first families on behalf of his +father. +</p> +<p> +But perhaps the most remarkable circumstance took place at his deceased +parent's funeral. Being so reduced at that time as to have no power even +of providing the necessary apparel to manifest the respect, gratitude, and +affection, he had ever entertained for the author of his being; and as a +natural son has no legal claims upon his father, so naturally nothing was +left for him; he applied by letter to the legitimates for a suit of +mourning, and permission to attend the remains of their common father to +the last receptacle of mortality, which being peremptorily refused, he +raised a subscription, obtained clothing, with a gown and hatband, and, as +the melancholy procession was moving to the parish church, which was but a +few yards distance, he rushed from his hiding-place, stationed himself +immediately in the front of the other attendants upon the occasion, and +actually accompanied the corpse as chief mourner, having previously +concerted with his own mother to be upon the spot. When the body was +deposited in the vault, he took her by the hand, led her down the steps, +and gave some directions to the bearers as to the situation of the coffin, +while the other mourners, panic-struck at the extraordinary circumstances +in which they found themselves, turned about and walked in mournful +silence back, ruminating on the past with amazement, and full of +conjecture for the future. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A caricature of a similar nature to the one alluded to by +Dashall in this description, was certainly exhibited at the +time of the memorable 0. P. row, which exhibited a young man +of genteel appearance in the pit of Covent Garden Theatre, +addressing the audience. It had inscribed at the bottom +of it, + +Is this Barber-Ross-a? + +in allusion (no doubt) to the tragedy of Barbarossa. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[59]</span>"It was an extraordinary situation for +all parties,” said Bob; “but hold, who have we here?—Egad! there is +an elegant carriage drawn up to the door; some Lord, or Nobleman, I'll be +bound for it—We can't be seen in this deshabille, I shall make my +escape.” And saying this, he was hastening out of the room. +</p> +<p> +“Ha! ha! ha!” exclaimed Tom, “you need not be so speedy in your flight. +This is one of the fashionable requisites of London, with whom you must +also become acquainted; there is no such thing as doing without them—dress +and address are indispensables. This is no other than one of the +decorators.” + </p> +<p> +“Decorators!” continued Bob, not exactly comprehending him. +</p> +<p> +“Monsieur le Tailleur—'Tin Mr. W——, from Cork Street, +come to exhibit his Spring patterns, and turn us out with the new cut—so +pray remain where you are.” + </p> +<p> +“Tailor—decorator,” said Bob—“Egad! the idea is almost as +ridiculous as the representation of the taylor riding to Brentford.” + </p> +<p> +By this time the door was opened, and Mr. W. entered, making his bow with +the precision of a dancing-master, and was followed by a servant with +pattern-books, the other apparatus of his trade. The first salutations +over, large pattern-books were displayed upon the table, exhibiting to +view a variety of fancy-coloured cloths, and measures taken accordingly. +During which time, Tom, as on the former occasion, continued his enquiries +relative to the occurrences in the fashionable world. +</p> +<p> +“Rather tame, Sir, at present: the Queen's unexpected visit to the two +theatres was for a time a matter of surprise—the backwardness of +Drury Lane managers to produce 'God Save the King,' has been construed +into disloyalty to the Sovereign—and a laughable circumstance took +place on his going to the same house a few nights back, which has already +been made the subject of much merriment, both in conversation and +caricature. It appears that Mr. Gloss'em, who is a <i>shining character</i> +in the theatrical world, at least among the minors of the metropolis; and +whose father was for many years a wax-chandler in the neighbourhood of +Soho, holds a situation as clerk of the cheque to the Gentlemen Pensioners +of his Majesty's household, as well as that of Major Domo, manager and +proprietor of a certain theatre, not half a mile from Waterloo Bridge. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[60]</span>A part of his duty in the former capacity +is to attend occasionally upon the person of the King, as one of the +appendages of Royalty; in which <i>character</i> he appeared on the night +in question. The servants of the attendants who were in waiting for their +masters, had a room appropriated to their use. One of these latter gentry, +no other than Gloss'em's servant, being anxious to have as near a view of +the sacred person of his Majesty as his employer, had placed himself in a +good situation at the door, in order to witness his departure, when a Mr. +Winpebble, of mismanaging notoriety, and also a ponderous puff, assuming +managerial authority, espying him, desired the police-officers and guards +in attendance to turn out the lamp-lighter's boy, pointing to Gloss'em's +servant. This, it seems, was no sooner said than done, at the point of the +bayonet. Some little scuffle ensued—His Majesty and suite departed—Hold +up your arm, Sir.” + </p> +<p> +“But did the matter end there?” enquired Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“O dear, no—not exactly.” + </p> +<p> +“Because if it did,” continued Tom, “in my opinion, it began with a wax +taper, and ended in the smoke of a farthing rushlight. You have made it +appear to be a gas-receiver without supplies.” + </p> +<p> +“I beg pardon,” said Mr. W.; “the pipes are full, but the gas is not yet +turned on.” + </p> +<p> +This created a laugh, and Mr. W. proceeded:— +</p> +<p> +“The next day, the servant having informed his Master of the treatment he +had received, a gentleman was dispatched from Gloss'em to Winpebble, to +demand an apology: which being refused, the former, with a large horsewhip +under his arm, accosted the latter, and handsomely belaboured his +shoulders with lusty stripes. That, you see, Sir, sets the gas all in a +blaze.—That will do, Sir.—Now, Sir, at your service,” + addressing himself to Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Yes,” said Tom, “the taper's alight again now; and pray what was the +consequence?” + </p> +<p> +“Winpebble called for assistance, which was soon obtained, and away they +went to Bow-street. Manager Taper, and Manager Vapour—the one +blazing with fire, and the other exhausted with thrashing;—'twas a +laughing scene. Manager Strutt, and Manager Butt, were strutting and +butting each other. The magistrate heard the case, and recommended peace +and quietness between <span class="pagenum">[61]</span>them, by an +amicable adjustment. The irritated minds of the now two enraged managers +could not be brought to consent to this. Gloss'em declared the piece +should be repeated, having been received with the most rapturous applause. +Winpebble roundly swore that the piece was ill got up, badly represented, +and damn'd to all intents and purposes—that the author had more +strength than wit—and though not a friend to injunctions himself, he +moved for an injunction against Gloss'em; who was at length something like +the renowned John Astley with his imitator Rees: +</p> +<p> +“This great John Astley, and this little Tommy Rees, Were both bound over +to keep the King's Peas.” + </p> +<p> +Gloss'em was bound to keep the peace, and compelled to find security in +the sum of twenty pounds. Thus ended the farce of <i>The Enraged Managers—Drury +Lane in a Blaze, or Bow Street bewildered.</i>” + </p> +<p> +“Ha! ha! ha! an animated sort of vehicle for public amusement truly,” said +Tom, “and of course produced with new scenery, music, dresses, and +decorations; forming a combination of attractions superior to any ever +exhibited at any theatre—egad! it would make a most excellent scene +in a new pantomime.” + </p> +<p> +“Ha! ha! ha!” said Mr. W. “true, Sir, true; and the duel of Lord Shampetre +would have also its due portion of effect; but as his Lordship is a good +customer of mine, you must excuse any remarks on that circumstance.” + </p> +<p> +“We have already heard of his Lordship's undaunted courage and firmness, +as well as the correctness of his aim.” + </p> +<p> +“He! he! he!” chuckled W.; “then I fancy your information is not very +correct, for it appears his lordship displayed a want of every one of +those qualities that you impute to him; however, I venture to hope no +unpleasant measures will result from the occurrence, as I made the very +pantaloons he wore upon the occasion. It seems he is considerably <i>cut +up</i>; but you must know that, previous to the duel, I was consulted upon +the best mode of securing his sacred person from the effects of a bullet: +I recommended a very high waistband lined with whale-bone, and well padded +with horse-hair, to serve as a breast-plate, and calculated at once to +produce warmth, and resist <span class="pagenum">[62]</span>penetration. +The pantaloons were accordingly made, thickly overlaid with extremely rich +and expensive gold lace, and considered to be stiff enough for any thing—aye, +even to keep his Lordship erect. But what do you suppose was the effect of +all my care? I should not like to make a common talk of it, but so it +certainly was: his Lordship had no objection to the whalebone, buckram, +&c. outside of him, but was fearful that if his antagonist's fire +should be well-directed, his tender body might be additionally hurt by the +splinters of the whalebone being carried along with it, and actually +proposed to take them off before the dreadful hour of appointment came on. +In this however he was fortunately overruled by his Second, who, by the +by, was but a goose in the affair, and managed it altogether very badly, +except in the instance of being prompt with the smelling-bottle, which +certainly was well-timed; and it would have been a hissing hot business, +but for the judicious interference of the other Second.” + </p> +<p> +A loud laugh succeeded this additional piece of information relative to +the <i>affair of honour</i>; and Snip having finished his measurement, +colours were fixed upon, and he departed, promising to be punctual in the +delivery of the new habiliments on the next day. +</p> +<p> +“I am now convinced,” said Bob, “of the great importance and utility of a +London tradesman, and the speed of their execution is wonderful!” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied Tom, “it is only to be equalled by the avidity with which +they obtain information, and the rapidity with which they circulate it—why, +in another half hour your personal appearance, the cut of your country +coat, your complexion and character, as far as so short an interview would +allow for obtaining it, will be known to all his customers—they are +generally quick and acute discerners. But come, we must be making ready +for our walk, it is now half-past ten o'clock—Sparkle will be here +presently. It is time to be dressing, as I mean to have a complete ramble +during the day, take a chop somewhere on the road, and in the evening, my +boy, we'll take a peep into the theatre. Lord Byron's tragedy of Marino +Faliero is to be performed to-night, and I can, I think, promise you a +treat of the highest kind.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho, who had no idea of dressing again, having already been obliged to +dress twice, seemed a little surprised at the proposition, but supposing +it to be the <span class="pagenum">[63]</span>custom of London, nodded +assent, and proceeded to the dressing-room. As he walked up stairs he +could not help casting his visual orbs over the banisters, just to take a +bird's eye view of the scene of his morning disasters, of which, to his +great astonishment and surprise, not a vestige remained—a new lamp +had been procured, which seemed to have arisen like a phoenix from its +ashes, and the stone passage and stairs appeared as he termed it, “as +white as a cauliflower.” At the sight of all this, he was gratified and +delighted, for he expected to find a heap of ruins to reproach him. He +skipped, or rather vaulted up the stairs, three or four at a stride, with +all the gaiety of a race-horse when first brought to the starting-post. +The rapid movements of a Life in London at once astonished and enraptured +him; nor did he delay his steps, or his delight, until he had reached the +topmost story, when bursting open the door, lie marched boldly into the +room. Here again he was at fault; a female shriek assailed his ear, which +stopped his course, and looking around him, he could not find from whence +the voice proceeded. “Good God!” continued the same voice, “what can be +the meaning of this intrusion?—Begone, rash man.” In the mean time, +Tom, who was in a room just under the one into which he had unfortunately +made so sudden an entrance, appeared at the door. +</p> +<p> +“What the devil is the matter now?” said Tom; when spying his cousin in +the centre of the room, without seeming to know whether to return or +remain, he could not restrain his laughter. Tallyho looked up, like one in +a dream—then down—then casting his eyes around him, he +perceived in the corner, peeping out from the bed-curtains in which she +had endeavoured to hide her almost naked person, the head of the old +Housekeeper. The picture was moving, and at the same time laughable. The +confusion of Bob—the fright of the Housekeeper, and the laughter of +Tom, were subjects for the pencil of a Hogarth! +</p> +<p> +“So,” said Tom, “you are for springing game in all parts of the house, and +at all times too. How came you here?”—“Not by my appointment, Sir,” + replied the old lady, who still remained rolled up in the curtain. “I +never did such a thing in all my born days: I'm an honest woman, and mean +to remain so. I never was so ashamed in all my life.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[64]</span>"I believe the house is enchanted,” cried +Bob; “d—— me, I never seem to step without being on a barrel +of gunpowder, ready to ignite with the touch of my foot. I have made some +cursed blunder again, and don't seem to know where I am.” + </p> +<p> +“Come, come,” said Dashall, “that won't do—I'm sure you had some +design upon my Housekeeper, who you hear by her own account is a good +woman, and won't listen to your advances.” + </p> +<p> +By this time the servants had arrived at the door, and were alternately +peeping in, wondering to see the two gentlemen in such a situation, and +secretly giggling and enjoying the embarrassment of the old woman, whose +wig lay on the table, and who was displaying her bald pate and shrivelled +features from the bed-curtains, enveloped in fringe and tassels, which +only served to render them still more ludicrous. +</p> +<p> +Bob affected to laugh; said it was very odd—he could not account for +it at all—stammered out something like an apology—begg'd +pardon—it was—a mistake—he really took it for his own +room—he never was so bewildered in his life—was very sorry he +should cause so much alarm—but really had no sort of intention +whatever. +</p> +<p> +“Well,” said Dashall, “the best reparation you can now make for your +intrusion is a speedy retreat. Time is escaping, so come along;” and +taking him by the arm, they walked down the stairs together, and then +proceeded to re-fit without further obstruction, in order to be ready for +Sparkle, who was expected every minute. +</p> +<p> +The first day of Bob's residence in London had already been productive of +some curious adventures, in which he, unfortunately as he considered, had +sustained the principal character—a character not altogether +suitable to is inclinations or wishes, though productive of much merriment +to his ever gay and sprightly Cousin, who had witnessed the embarrassment +of his pupil upon his first entrance into Life with ungovernable laughter. +It was to him excellent sport, while it furnished a good subject of +speculation and conversation among the servants below, but was not so well +relished by the affrighted old house-keeper. Indeed, the abrupt entrance +of a man into her bed-chamber had so deranged her ideas, that she was +longer than usual in decking her person previous to her <span +class="pagenum">[65]</span>re-appearance. The tender frame of the old lady +had been subjected to serious agitations at the bare idea of such a visit, +and the probable imputations that might in consequence be thrown upon her +sacred and unspotted character; nor could she for some time recover her +usual serenity. +</p> +<p> +Such was the situation of the parties at the moment we are now describing; +but as our Heroes are preparing for an extensive, actual survey of men, +manners, and tilings, we shall for the present leave them in peace and +quietness, while we proceed to the next chapter. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0007"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER VII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +What shows! and what sights! what a round of delights +You'll meet in the gay scene of London; +How charming to view” amusements still new, +Twenty others you'll find soon as one's done. +At the gay scene at Court—Peers and gentry resort, +In pleasure you'll never miss one day: +There's the Opera treat, the parade in Bond Street, +And the crowd in Hyde Park on a Sunday. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[66]</span>TOM, whose wardrobe was extensive, found +no difficulty, and lost no time in preparing for the promenade; while, on +the other hand, Tallyho was perplexed to know how to tog himself out in a +way suitable to make his appearance in the gay world of fashion. Dashall +had therefore rapidly equipped himself, when, perceiving it was half-past +eleven, he was the more perplexed to account for the absence of Sparkle; +for although it was an early hour, yet, upon such an occasion as that of +initiating a new recruit, it was very extraordinary that he should not +have been prompt. However, he entered Tallyho's room, and found him +looking out of the window in a posture of rumination, probably revolving +in his mind the events of the morning. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom, as he entered, “'tis time to be on the move, and if +Sparkle don't show in a few minutes, we'll set sail and call in upon him +at Long's, in Bond Street. Perhaps he is not well, or something prevents +his appearance—we'll make it in our way, and we have a fine day +before us.” + </p> +<p> +“I am at your service,” replied Bob, who could not help viewing the +elegance of his Cousin's appearance: the style of his dress, and the +neatness with which his garments fitted him, were all subjects of +admiration, and formed so strong a contrast with his own as almost to +excite envy. He had however attired himself in a way that befits a +fashionable country gentleman: a green coat, white waistcoat, buckskin +breeches, and boots, over <span class="pagenum">[67]</span>which a pair of +leggings appeared, which extended below the calf of the leg and half up +the thigh, surmounted with a <i>Lily Shallow</i>. Such was the costume in +which he was destined to show off; and thus equipped, after a few minutes +they emerged from the house in Piccadilly on the proposed ramble, and +proceeded towards Bond Street. +</p> +<p> +The first object that took their particular attention was the Burlington +Arcade. “Come,” said Tom, “we may as well go this way,” and immediately +they passed the man in the gold-laced hat, who guards the entrance to +prevent the admission of boys and improper persons. The display of the +shops, with the sun shining through the windows above, afforded much for +observation, and attracted Bob from side to side—to look, to wonder +and admire. But Tom, who was intent upon finding his friend Sparkle, urged +the necessity of moving onward with more celerity, lest he should be gone +out, and consequently kept drawing his Cousin forward. “Another and a +better opportunity will be afforded for explanation than the present, and +as speed is the order of the day, I hope you will not prove disorderly; we +shall soon reach Long's, and when we have Sparkle with us, we have one of +the most intelligent and entertaining fellows in the world. He is a sort +of index to every thing, and every body; his knowledge of life and +character, together with a facetiousness of whim and manner, which he has +in delineating them, are what we call in London—<i>Prime and bang up +to the mark</i>. There is scarcely a Lane, Court, Alley, or Street, in the +Metropolis, but what he knows, from the remotest corners of Rag-Fair, to +the open and elegant Squares of the West, even to Hyde Park Corner. +Memory, mirth, and magic, seem at all times to animate his tongue, and, as +the Song says, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“He is the hoy for bewitching 'em, +Whether good-humour'd or coy.” + </div> +<p> +Indeed, he is the admiration of all who know him; wit, whim, frolic, and +fun, are constant companions with him, and I really believe, in a dungeon +or a palace, he would always appear the same.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had reached Bond Street, in their way to which, each +step they had taken, the streets and avenues of every description appeared +to Bob to be crowded to an excess; the mingling cries which were <span +class="pagenum">[68]</span>vociferated around them produced in his mind +uncommon sensations. The rattling of the carriages, the brilliance of the +shops, and the continual hum of the passengers, contributed to heighten +the scene. +</p> +<p> +“Bond Street,” said Dashall, “is not one of the most elegant streets in +the vicinity of London, but is the resort of the most fashionable people, +and from about two o'clock till five, it is all bustle—all life—every +species of fashionable vehicle is to be seen dashing along in gay and +gallant pride. From two to five are the fashionable shopping-hours, for +which purpose the first families resort to this well-known street—others, +to shew their equipage, make an assignation, or kill a little time; which +is as much a business with some, as is the more careful endeavours of +others to seize him in his flight, and make the most of his presence. The +throng is already increasing; the variety, richness, and gaiety of the +shops in this street, will always be attractive, and make it a popular +rendezvous of both sexes. It will shortly be as crowded as Rag Fair, or +the Royal Exchange; and the magic splendour has very peculiar properties. +</p> +<p> +“It makes the tradesman forget—while he is cheating a lovely and +smiling Duchess—that in all probability her ladyship is endeavouring +to cheat him. It makes the gay and airy, the furbelowed and painted lady +of the town, forget that she must pay a visit to her uncle,{1} in order to +raise the wind before she can make her appearance at the theatre at +half-price. It makes the dashing prisoner forget, that while “he is +sporting his figure in the bang-up style of appearance, he is only taking +his ride on a day-rule from the King's Bench. It makes the Lord who drives +four-in-hand forget his losses of the night before at some of the +fashionable gaming-houses. It makes one adventurer forget that the clothes +in which he expects to obtain respect and attention, are more than likely +to be paid for in Newgate; another for a time forgets that <i>John Doe</i> +and <i>Richard Roe</i> have expelled him from his +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 My Uncle is a very convenient and accommodating sort of +friend, who lives at the sign of the Three Balls, indicative +of his willingness to lend money upon good security, for the +payment of enormous interest. The original meaning of the +sign has puzzled the curious and antiquarians, and the only +probable meaning they can discover is, that it implies the +chances are two to one against any property being redeemed +after being once committed to the keeping of this tender +hearted and affectionate relative. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[69]</span>lodgings; and a third that all his +worldly possessions are not equal to the purchase of a dinner. It is an <i>ignis +fatuus</i>—a sort of magic lantern replete with delusive appearances—of +momentary duration—an escape to the regions of noise, tumult, +vanity, and frivolity, where the realities of Life, the circumstances and +the situation of the observer, are not suffered to intrude. +</p> +<p> +“But to be seen in this street at a certain hour, is one of the essentials +to the existence of <i>haut-ton</i>—it is the point of attraction +for greetings in splendid equipages, from the haughty bend or familiar nod +of arrogance, to the humble bow of servility. Here mimicry without money +assumes the consequential air of independence: while modest merit creeps +along unheeded through the glittering crowd. Here all the senses are +tantalized with profusion, and the eye is dazzled with temptation, for no +other reason than because it is the constant business of a fashionable +life—not to live in, but out of self, to imitate the luxuries of the +affluent without a tithe of their income, and to sacrifice morality at the +altar of notoriety.” + </p> +<p> +“Your description of this celebrated street, of which I have heard so +much,” said Tallyho, “is truly lively.” + </p> +<p> +“But it is strictly true,” continued Tom. +</p> +<p> +They had now arrived at Long's, and found a barouche and four waiting at +the door. Upon entering, the first person they met was Lord Cripplegate, +whom they passed, and proceeded to the coffee-room; in one of the boxes of +which Tom immediately directed his Cousin's attention to a well-dressed +young man, who was reading the newspaper, and sipping his coffee—“Take +notice of him,” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +Bob looked at him for a moment, marked his features, and his dress, which +was in the extreme of fashion; while Tom, turning to one of the Waiters, +enquired for his friend Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +“He has not been here since yesterday morning!” said the Waiter. +</p> +<p> +“I have been waiting for him these two hours!” exclaimed the young Sprig +of Fashion, laying down the newspaper almost at the same moment, “and must +wait till he comes—Ah! Mr. Dashall, how d'ye do?—-very glad to +see you—left all well in the country, I hope!—Mr. Sparkle was +to have met me this morning at eleven precisely, I should judge he is gone +into the country.” + </p> +<p> +“It must have been late last night, then,” said Dashall, <span +class="pagenum">[70]</span>"for he left us about half-past ten, and +promised also to meet us again this morning at eleven; I can't think what +can have become of him—but come,” said he, taking Bob by the arm, +“we must keep moving—Good morning—good morning.” And thus +saying, walked directly out of the house, turning to the right again +towards Piccadilly. +</p> +<p> +“There is a remark made, I think by Goldsmith,” said Tom, “that one half +of the world don't know how the other half lives; and the man I spoke to +in the coffee-room, whose name I am unacquainted with, though his person +is recognized by almost every body, while his true character, residence, +and means of subsistence, remain completely in obscurity, from what I have +seen of him, I judge is what may be termed a <i>hanger on</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“A hanger on,” said Bob—“what can that mean? I took him for a man of +property and high birth—but I saw you take so little notice of him.” + </p> +<p> +“Ah! my good fellow, I have already cautioned you not to be duped by +appearances. A <i>hanger on</i> is a sort of sycophant, or toad-eater, +and, in the coffee-houses and hotels of London, many such are to be found—men +who can <i>spin out a long yarn</i>, tell a tough story, and tip you <i>a +rum chant</i>—who invite themselves by a freedom of address +bordering on impudence to the tables and the parties of persons they know, +by pretending to call in by mere accident, just at the appointed time: by +assuming great confidence, great haste, little appetite, and much +business; but, at the same time, requiring but little pressure to forego +them all for the pleasure of the company present. What he can have to do +with Sparkle I am at a loss to conceive; but he is an insinuating and an +intriguing sort of fellow, whom I by no means like, so I cut him.” + </p> +<p> +Bob did not exactly understand the meaning of the word cut, and therefore +begged his Cousin to explain. +</p> +<p> +“The cut,” said Tom, “is a fashionable word for getting rid, by rude or +any means, of any person whose company is not agreeable. The art of <i>cutting</i> +is reduced to a system in London; and an explanatory treatise has been +written on the subject for the edification of the natives.{1} But I am so +bewildered to think what can have detained Sparkle, and deprived us of his +company, that I scarcely know how to think for a moment on any other +subject at present.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Vide a small volume entitled “The Cutter.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[71]</span>"It is somewhat strange!” cried Bob, +“that he was not with you this morning.” + </p> +<p> +“There is some mystery in it,” said Tom, “which time alone can unravel; +but however, we will not be deprived of our intended ramble.” At this +moment they entered Piccadilly, and were crossing the road in their way to +St. James's Street, when Dashall nodded to a gentleman passing by on the +opposite side, and received a sort of half bow in return. “That,” said +Tom, “is a curious fellow, and a devilish clever fellow too—for +although he has but one arm, he is a man of science.” + </p> +<p> +“In what way?” enquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“He is a pugilist,” said Tom—“one of those courageous gentlemen who +can queer the daylights, tap the claret, prevent telling fibs, and pop the +noddle into chancery; and a devilish good hand he is, I can assure you, +among those who +</p> +<div class='pre'> +——“can combat with ferocious strife, +And beat an eye out, or thump out a life; +Can bang the ribs in, or bruise out the brains, +And die, like noble blockheads, for their pains.” + </div> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0006"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page071.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page71 Fives Court "><br> +</div> +<p> +“Having but one arm, of course he is unable to figure in the ring—though +he attends the mills, and is a constant visitor at the Fives Court +exhibitions, and generally appears <i>a la Belcher</i>. He prides himself +upon flooring a novice, and hits devilish hard with the glove. I have had +some lessons from this amateur of the old English science, and felt the +force of his fist; but it is a very customary thing to commence in a +friendly way, till the knowing one finds an opportunity which he cannot +resist, of shewing the superiority he possesses. So it was with Harry and +me, when he put on his glove. I use the singular number, because he has +but one hand whereon to place a glove withal. Come, said he, it shall only +be a little innocent spar. I also put on a glove, for it would not be fair +to attack a one-armed man with two, and no one ought to take the odds in +combat. To it we went, and I shewed <i>first blood</i>, for he tapped <i>the +claret</i> in no time. +</p> +<p> +“Neat <i>milling we had</i>, what with <i>clouts on the nob</i>, Home hits +in the <i>bread-basket</i>, clicks in the gob, And plumps in the +daylights, a prettier treat Between two <i>Johnny Raws</i> 'tis not easy +to meet.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[72]</span>"I profited however by Harry's lessons, +and after a short time was enabled to return the compliment with interest, +by sewing up one of his <i>glimmers</i>. +</p> +<p> +“This is St. James's Street,” continued he, as they turned the corner +rather short; in doing which, somewhat animated by the description he had +just been giving, Tom's foot caught the toe of a gentleman, who was +mincing along the pathway with all the care and precision of a +dancing-master, which had the effect of bringing him to the ground in an +instant as effectually as a blow from one of the fancy. Tom, who had no +intention of giving offence wantonly, apologized for the misfortune, by—“I +beg pardon, Sir,” while Bob, who perceived the poor creature was unable to +rise again, and apprehending some broken bones, assisted him to regain his +erect position. The poor animal, or nondescript, yclept Dandy, however had +only been prevented the exercise of its limbs by the stiffness of certain +appendages, without which its person could not be complete—the <i>stays</i>, +lined with whalebone, were the obstacles to its rising. Being however +placed in its natural position, he began in an affected blustering tone of +voice to complain that it was d——d odd a gentleman could not +walk along the streets without being incommoded by puppies—pulled +out his quizzing glass, and surveyed our heroes from head to foot—then +taking from his pocket a smelling bottle, which, by application to the +nose, appeared to revive him, Tom declared he was sorry for the accident, +had no intention, and hoped he was not hurt. This, however, did not appear +to satisfy the offended Dandy, who turned upon his heel muttering to +himself the necessity there was of preventing drunken fellows from +rambling the streets to the annoyance of sober and genteel people in the +day-time. +</p> +<p> +Dashall, who overheard the substance of his ejaculation, broke from the +arm of Bob, and stepping after him without ceremony, by a sudden wheel +placed himself in the front of him, so as to impede his progress a second +time; a circumstance which filled Mr. Fribble with additional alarm, and +his agitation became visibly' depicted on his countenance. +</p> +<p> +“What do you mean?” cried Dashall, with indignation, taking the imputation +of drunkenness at that early hour in dudgeon. “Who, and what are you, +<span class="pagenum">[73]</span>Sir?{1} Explain instantly, or by the +honour of a gentleman, I'll chastise this insolence.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 “What are you?” is a formidable question to a dandy of the +present day, for + +“Dandy's a gender of the doubtful kind; +A something, nothing, not to be defined; +?Twould puzzle worlds its sex to ascertain, +So very empty, and so very vain.” + +It is a fact that the following examination of three of +these non-descripts took place at Bow Street a very short +time back, in consequence of a nocturnal fracas. The report +was thus given: + +“Three young sprigs of fashion, in full dress, somewhat +damaged and discoloured by a night's lodging in the cell of +a watch-house, were yesterday brought before Mr. Birnie, +charged with disorderly conduct in the streets, and with +beating a watchman named Lloyd. + +“Lloyd stated that his beat was near the Piazza, and at a +very late hour on Thursday night, the three defendants came +through Covent Garden, singing, and conducting themselves in +the most riotous manner possible. They were running, and +were followed by three others, all in a most uproarious +state of intoxication, and he thought proper to stop them; +upon which he was <i>floored san-ceremonie</i>, and when he +recovered his legs, he was again struck, and called '<i>a b——y +Charley</i>,' and other ungenteel names. He called for +the assistance of some of his brethren, and the defendants +were with some trouble taken to the watch-house. They were +very jolly on the way, and when lodged in durance, amused +themselves with abusing the Constable of the night, and took +especial care that no one within hearing of the watch-house +should get a wink of sleep for the remainder of the night. + +Mr. Birnie.—“Well young gentleman, what have you to say to +this?” The one who undertook to be spokesman, threw himself +in the most familiar manner possible across the table, and +having fixed himself perfectly at his ease, he said, “The +fact was, they had been dining at a tavern, and were rather +drunk, and on their way through the Piazza, they endeavoured +by running away to give the slip to their three companions, +who were still worse than themselves. The others, however +called out Stop thief! and the watchman stopped them; +whereat they naturally felt irritated, and certainly gave +the watchman a bit of a thrashing.” + +Mr. Birnie.—“How was he to know you were not the thieves? +He did quite right to stop you, and I am very glad he has +brought you here—Pray, Sir, what are you?” Defendant.—“I +am nothing, Sir.” Mr. Birnie (to another).—“And what are +you?” Defendant.—“Why, Sir, I am—I am, Sir, nothing.” Mr. +Birnie.—“Well, this is very fine. Pray, Sir, (turning to +the third, who stood twirling his hat) will you do me the +favour to tell what you are?” + +This gentleman answered in the same way. “I am, as my +friends observed, nothing.” + +Mr. Birnie.—“Well, gentlemen, I must endeavour to make +something of you. Here, gaoler, let them he locked up, and I +shall not part with them until I have some better account of +their occupations.” + +We have heard it asserted, that Nine tailors make a man. How +many Dandies, professing to be Nothing, may be required to +accomplish the proposed intention of making Something, may +(perhaps by this time) be discovered by the worthy +Magistrate. We however suspect he has had severe work of it. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[74]</span>"Leave me alone,” exclaimed the almost +petrified Dandy. +</p> +<p> +“Not till you have given me the satisfaction I have a right to demand,” + cried Tom. “I insist upon an explanation and apology—or demand your +card—who are you, Sir? That's my address,” instantly handing him a +card. “I am not to be played with, nor will I suffer your escape, after +the insulting manner in which you have spoken, with impunity.” + </p> +<p> +Though not prepared for such a rencontre, the Dandy, who now perceived the +inflexible temper of Tom's mind—and a crowd of people gathering +round him—determined at least to put on as much of the character of +a man as possible, and fumbled in his pocket for a card; at length finding +one, he slipped it into Tom's hand. “Oh, Sir,” said he, “if that's the +case, I'm your man, <i>demmee</i>,—how, when, or where you please, +?pon honor.” Then beckoning to a hackney coach, he hobbled to the door, +and was pushed in by coachee, who, immediately mounted the box and +flourishing his whip, soon rescued him from his perilous situation, and +the jeers of the surrounding multitude. +</p> +<p> +Tom, who in the bustle of the crowd had slipped the card of his antagonist +into his pocket, now took Bob's arm, and they pursued their way down St. +James's Street, and could not help laughing at the affair: but Tallyho, +who had a great aversion to duelling, and was thinking of the +consequences, bit his lips, and expressed his sorrow at what had occurred; +he ascribed the hasty imputation of drunkenness to the irritating effects +of the poor creature's accident, and expressed his hope that his cousin +would take no further notice of it. Tom, however, on the other <span +class="pagenum">[75]</span>hand, ridiculed Bob's fears—told him it +was a point of honour not to suffer an insult in the street from any man—nor +would he—besides, the charge of drunkenness from such a thing as +that, is not to be borne. “D——n it, man, drunkenness in the +early part of the day is a thing I abhor, it is at all times what I would +avoid if possible, but at night there may be many apologies for it; nay in +some cases even to avoid it is impossible. The pleasures of society are +enhanced by it—the joys of love are increased by the circulation of +the glass—harmony, conviviality and friendship are produced by it—though +I am no advocate for inebriety, and detest the idea of the beast— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Who clouds his reason by the light of day, +And falls to drink, an early and an easy prey.” + </div> +<p> +“Well,” said Bob, “I cannot help thinking this poor fellow, who has +already betrayed his fears, will be inclined to make any apology for his +rudeness to-morrow.” + </p> +<p> +“If he does not,” said Tom, “I'll wing him, to a certainty—a +jackanapes—a puppy—a man-milliner; perhaps a thing of shreds +and patches—he shall not go unpunished, I promise you; so come +along, we will just step in here, and I'll dispatch this business at once: +I'll write a challenge, and then it will be off my hands.” And so saying, +they entered a Coffee-house, where, calling for pen, ink and paper, Tom +immediately began his epistle, shrewdly hinting to his Cousin, that he +expected he would act as his Second. “It will be a fine opportunity for +introducing your name to the gay world—the newspapers will record +your name as a man of ton. Let us see now how it will appear:—On +—— last, the Honourable Tom Dashall, attended by his Cousin, +Robert Tallyho, Esq. of Belleville Hall, met—ah, by the bye, let us +see who he is,” here he felt in his pocket for the card. +</p> +<p> +Bob, however, declared his wish to decline obtaining popularity by being +present upon such an occasion, and suggested the idea of his calling upon +the offender, and endeavouring to effect an amicable arrangement between +them. +</p> +<p> +“Hallo!” exclaimed Tom with surprise, as he drew the card from his pocket, +and threw it on the table—“Ha, ha, ha,—look at that.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho looked at the card without understanding it. “What does it mean?” + said he. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[76]</span>"Mean,” replied Tom, “why it is a +Pawnbroker's duplicate for a Hunting Watch, deposited with his uncle this +morning in St. Martin's Lane, for two pounds—laughable enough—well, +you may dismiss your fears for the present; but I'll try if I can't find +my man by this means—if he is worth finding—at all events we +have found a watch.” + </p> +<p> +Bob now joined in the laugh, and, having satisfied the Waiter, they +sallied forth again. +</p> +<p> +Just as they left the Coffee-house, “Do you see that Gentleman in the blue +great coat, arm in arm with another? that is no other than the ——. +You would scarcely conceive, by his present appearance, that he has +commanded armies, and led them on to victory; and that having retired +under the shade of his laurels, he is withering them away, leaf by leaf, +by attendance at the <i>hells</i>{1} of the metropolis; his unconquerable +spirit still actuating him in his hours of relaxation. It is said that the +immense sum awarded to him for his prowess in war, has been so materially +reduced by his inordinate passion for play, that although he appears at +Court, and is a favourite, the demon Poverty stares him in the face. But +this is a vile world, and half one hears is not to be believed. He is +certainly extravagant, fond of women, and fond of wine; but all these +foibles are overshadowed with so much glory as scarcely to remain +perceptible. Here is the Palace,” said Tom, directing his Cousin's +attention to the bottom of the street. +</p> +<p> +Bob was evidently struck at this piece of information, as he could +discover no mark of grandeur in its appearance to entitle it to the +dignity of a royal residence. +</p> +<p> +“It is true,” said Tom, “the outside appearance is not much in its favour; +but it is venerable for its antiquity, and for its being till lately the +place at which the Kings of this happy Island have held their Courts. On +the site of that palace originally stood an hospital, founded before the +conquest, for fourteen leprous females, to whom eight brethren were +afterwards added, to assist in the performance of divine service.” + </p> +<p> +“Very necessary,” said Bob, “and yet scarcely sufficient.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Hells—The abode or resort of black-legs or gamblers, +where they assemble to commit their depredations on the +unwary. But of these we shall have occasion to enlarge +elsewhere. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[77]</span>"You seem to quiz this Palace, and are +inclined to indulge your wit upon old age. In 1532, it was surrendered to +Henry viii. and he erected the present Palace, and enclosed St. James's +Park, to serve as a place of amusement and exercise, both to this Palace +and Whitehall. But it does not appear to have been the Court of the +English Sovereigns, during their residence in town, till the reign of +Queen Ann, from which time it has been uniformly used as such. +</p> +<p> +“It is built of brick; and that part which contains the state apartments, +being only one story high, gives it a regular appearance outside. The +State-rooms are commodious and handsome, although there is nothing very +superb or grand in the decorations or furniture. +</p> +<p> +“The entrance to these rooms is by a stair-case which opens into the +principal court, which you now see. At the top of the stair-case are two +rooms; one on the left, called the Queen's, and the other the King's +Guard-room, leading to the State-apartments. Immediately beyond the King's +Guard-room is the Presence-chamber, which contains a canopy, and is hung +with tapestry; and which is now used as a passage to the principal rooms. +</p> +<p> +“There is a suite of five rooms opening into each other successively, +fronting the Park. The Presence-chamber opens into the centre room, which +is denominated the Privy-chamber, in which is a canopy of flowered-crimson +velvet, generally made use of for the King to receive the Quakers. +</p> +<p> +“On the right are two drawing-rooms, one within the other. At the upper +end of the further one, is a throne with a splendid canopy, on which the +Kings have been accustomed to receive certain addresses. This is called +the Grand Drawing-room, and is used by the King and Queen on certain state +occasions, the nearer room being appropriated as a kind of ante-chamber, +in which the nobility, &c. are permitted to remain while their +Majesties are present in the further room, and is furnished with stools, +sofas, &c. for the purpose. There are two levee-rooms on the left of +the privy-chamber, on entering from the King's guard-room and +presence-chamber, the nearer one serving as an ante-chamber to the other. +They were all of them, formerly, meanly furnished, but at the time of the +marriage of our present King, they were elegantly fitted up. The walls are +now covered with tapestry, very beautiful, and of rich colours—tapestry +which, although it <span class="pagenum">[73]</span>was made for Charles +II. had never been used, having by some accident lain unnoticed in a +chest, till it was discovered a short time before the marriage of the +Prince. +</p> +<p> +“The canopy of the throne was made for the late-Queen's birth-day, the +first which happened after the union of Great Britain and Ireland. It is +made of crimson velvet, with very broad gold lace, embroidered with crowns +set with fine and rich pearls. The shamrock, emblematical of the Irish +nation, forms a part of the decorations of the British crown, and is +executed with great taste and accuracy. +</p> +<p> +“The grand drawing-room contains a large, magnificent chandelier of +silver, gilt, but I believe it has not been lighted for some years; and in +the grand levee-room is a very noble bed, the furniture of which is of +Spitalfields manufacture, in crimson velvet. It was first put up with the +tapestry, on the marriage of the present King, then Prince of Wales. +</p> +<p> +“It is upon the whole an irregular building, chiefly consisting of several +courts and alleys, which lead into the Park. This, however, is the age of +improvement, and it is said that the Palace will shortly be pulled down, +and in the front of St. James's Street a magnificent triumphal arch is to +be erected, to commemorate the glorious victories of the late war, and to +form a grand entrance to the Park. +</p> +<p> +“The Duke of York, the Duke of Clarence, the King's servants, and many +other dignified persons, live in the Stable-yard.” + </p> +<p> +“In the Stable-yard!” said Bob, “dignified persons reside in a +Stable-yard, you astonish me!” + </p> +<p> +“It is quite true,” said Tom, “and remember it is the Stable-yard of a +King.” + </p> +<p> +“I forgot that circumstance,” said Bob, “and that circumstances alter +cases. But whose carriage is this driving with so much rapidity?” + </p> +<p> +“That is His Highness the Duke of York, most likely going to pay a visit +to his royal brother, the King, who resides in a Palace a little further +on: which will be in our way, for it is yet too early to see much in the +Park: so let us proceed, I am anxious to make some inquiry about my +antagonist, and therefore mean to take St. Martin's Lane as we go along.” + </p> +<p> +With this they pursued their way along Pall Mall. The rapidity of Tom's +movements however afforded little opportunity for observation or remark, +till they <span class="pagenum">[79]</span>arrived opposite Carlton House, +when he called his Cousin's attention to the elegance of the new streets +opposite to it. +</p> +<p> +“That,” said he, “is Waterloo Place, which, as well as the memorable +battle after which it is named, has already cost the nation an immense sum +of money, and must cost much more before the proposed improvements are +completed: it is however, the most elegant street in London. The want of +uniformity of the buildings has a striking effect, and gives it the +appearance of a number of palaces. In the time of Queen Elizabeth there +were no such places as Pall Mall, St. James's-street, Piccadilly, nor any +of the streets or fine squares in this part of the town. That building at +the farther end is now the British Fire-office, and has a pleasing effect +at this distance. The cupola on the left belongs to a chapel, the interior +of which for elegant simplicity is unrivalled. To the left of the centre +building is a Circus, and a serpentine street, not yet finished, which +runs to Swallow Street, and thence directly to Oxford Road, where another +circus is forming, and is intended to communicate with Portland Place; by +which means a line of street, composed of all new buildings, will be +completed. Of this dull looking place (turning to Carlton House) although +it is the town-residence of our King, I shall say nothing at present, as I +intend devoting a morning, along with you, to its inspection. The exterior +has not the most lively appearance, but the interior is magnificent.”—During +this conversation they had kept moving gently on. +</p> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0007"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page079.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page79 the Kings Levee "><br> +</div> +<p> +Bob was charmed with the view down Waterloo Place. +</p> +<p> +“That,” said his Cousin, pointing to the Arcade at the opposite corner of +Pall Mall, “is the Italian Opera-house, which has recently assumed its +present superb appearance, and may be ranked among the finest buildings in +London. It is devoted to the performance of Italian operas and French +ballets, is generally open from December to July, and is attended by the +most distinguished and fashionable persons. The improvements in this part +are great. That church, which you see in the distance over the tops of the +houses, is St. Martin's in the fields.” + </p> +<p> +“In the fields,” inquired Bob; “what then, are we come to the end of the +town?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[80]</span>"Ha! ha! ha!” cried Tom—“the end—no, +no,—I was going to say there is no end to it—no, we have not +reached any thing like the centre.” + </p> +<p> +“<i>Blood an owns, boderation and blarney</i>,” (said an Irishman, at that +moment passing them with a hod of mortar on his shoulder, towards the new +buildings, and leaving an ornamental patch as he went along on Bob's +shoulder) “but I'll be a'ter <i>tipping turnups</i>{l} to any b——dy +rogue that's tip to saying—<i>Black's the white of the blue part of +Pat Murphy's eye</i>; and for that there matter,” dropping the hod of +mortar almost on their toes at the same time, and turning round to Bob—“By +the powers! I ax the Jontleman's pardon—tho' he's not the first +Jontleman that has carried mortar—where is that <i>big, bully-faced +blackguard</i> that I'm looking after?” During this he brushed the mortar +off Tallyho's coat with a snap of his fingers, regardless of where or on +whom he distributed it. +</p> +<p> +The offender, it seemed, had taken flight while Pat was apologizing, and +was no where to be found. +</p> +<p> +“Why what's the matter?” inquired Tom; “you seem in a passion.” + </p> +<p> +“Och! not in the least bit, your honour! I'm only in a d——d +rage. By the mug of my mother—arn't it a great shame that a +Jontleman of Ireland can't walk the streets of London without having <i>poratees +and butter-milk</i> throw'd in his gums?”—Hitching up the waistband +of his breeches—“It won't do at all at all for Pat: its a reflection +on my own native land, where— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Is hospitality, +All reality, +No formality +There you ever see; +The free and easy +Would so amaze ye, +You'd think us all crazy, +For dull we never be.” + </div> +<p> +These lines sung with an Irish accent, to the tune of “Morgan Rattler,” + accompanied with a snapping of his fingers, and concluded with a something +in imitation of +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 <i>Tipping Turnups</i>—This is a phrase made use of among the +<i>prigging</i> fraternity, to signify a turn-up—which is to +knock down. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[81]</span>an Irish jilt, were altogether so truly +characteristic of the nation to which he belonged, as to afford our Heroes +considerable amusement. Tom threw him a half-crown, which he picked up +with more haste than he had thrown down the mortar in his rage. +</p> +<p> +“Long life and good luck to the Jontleman!” said Pat. “Sure enough, I +won't be after drinking health and success to your Honour's pretty +picture, and the devil pitch into his own cabin the fellow that would be +after picking a hole or clapping a dirty patch on the coat of St. Patrick—whiskey +for ever, your Honour, huzza— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“A drop of good whiskey +Would make a man frisky.” + </div> +<p> +By this time a crowd was gathering round them, and Tom cautioned Bob in a +whisper to beware of his pockets. This piece of advice however came too +late, for his <i>blue bird's eye wipe</i>{l} had taken flight. +</p> +<p> +“What,” said Bob, “is this done in open day?” “Are you all right and tight +elsewhere?” said Tom—“if you are, toddle on and say nothing about +it.—Open day!” continued he, “aye, the system of <i>frigging</i>{2} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 <i>Blue bird's eye wipe</i>—A blue pocket handkerchief with +white spots. + +2 A cant term for all sorts of thieving. The Life of the +celebrated George Barrington, of Old Bailey notoriety, is +admirably illustrative of this art; which by a more recent +development of Hardy Vaux, appears to be almost reduced to +a system, notwithstanding the wholesomeness of our laws and +the vigilance of our police in their administration. However +incredible it may appear, such is the force of habit and +association, the latter, notwithstanding he was detected and +transported, contrived to continue his depredations during +his captivity, returned, at the expiration of his term, to +his native land and his old pursuits, was transported a +second time, suffered floggings and imprison-ments, without +correcting what cannot but be termed the vicious +propensities of his nature. He generally spent his mornings +in visiting the shops of jewellers, watch-makers, +pawnbrokers, &c. depending upon his address and appearance, +and determining to make the whole circuit of the metropolis +and not to omit a single shop in either of those branches. +This scheme he actually executed so fully, that he believes +he did not leave ten untried in London; for he made a point +of commencing early every day, and went regularly through +it, taking both sides of the way. His practice on entering a +shop was to request to look at gold seals, chains, +brooches, rings, or any other small articles of value, +and while examining them, and looking the shopkeeper in the +face, he contrived by sleight of hand to conceal two or +three, sometimes more, as opportunities offered, in the +sleeve of his coat, which was purposely made wide. In this +practice he succeeded to a very great extent, and in the +course of his career was never once detected in the fact, +though on two or three occa-sions so much suspicion arose +that he was obliged to exert all his effrontery, and to use +very high language, in order, as the cant phrase is, to +bounce the tradesman out of it; his fashionable appearance, +and affected anger at his insinuations, always had the +effect of inducing an apology; and in many such cases he has +actually carried away the spoil, notwithstanding what passed +between them, and even gone so far as to visit the same shop +again a second and a third time with as good success as at +first. This, with his nightly attendance at the Theatres and +places of public resort, where he picked pockets of watches, +snuff-boxes, &c. was for a length of time the sole business +of his life. He was however secured, after secreting himself +for a time, convicted, and is now transported for life—as +he conceives, sold by another cele-brated Prig, whose real +name was Bill White, but better known by the title of Conky +Beau. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[82]</span>will be acted on sometimes by the very +party you are speaking to—the expertness with which it is done is +almost beyond belief.” + </p> +<p> +Bob having ascertained that his handkerchief was the extent of his loss, +they pursued their way towards Charing Cross. +</p> +<p> +“A line of street is intended,” continued Tom, “to be made from the Opera +House to terminate with that church; and here is the King's Mews, which is +now turned into barracks.” + </p> +<p> +“Stop thief! Stop thief!” was at this moment vociferated in their ears by +a variety of voices, and turning round, they perceived a well-dressed man +at full speed, followed pretty closely by a concourse of people. In a +moment the whole neighbourhood appeared to be in alarm. The up-stairs +windows were crowded with females—the tradesmen were at their +shop-doors—the passengers were huddled together in groups, inquiring +of each other—“What is the matter?—who is it?—which is +him?—what has he done?” while the pursuers were increasing in +numbers as they went. The bustle of the scene was new to Bob—Charing +Cross and its vicinity was all in motion. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom, “let us see the end of this—they are sure to <i>nab</i>{l} +my gentleman before he gets much +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 <i>Nabbed or nibbled</i>—Secured or taken. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[83]</span>farther, so let us <i>brush</i>{1} on.” + Then pulling his Cousin by the arm, they moved forward to the scene of +action. +</p> +<p> +As they approached St. Martin's Lane, the gathering of the crowd, which +was now immense, indicated to Tom a capture. +</p> +<p> +“Button up,” said he, “and let us see what's the matter.” + </p> +<p> +“<i>Arrah be easy</i>” cried a voice which they instantly recognized to be +no other than Pat Murphy's. “I'll hold you, my dear, till the night after +Doomsday, though I can't tell what day of the year that is. Where's the +man wid the <i>gould-laced skull-cap</i>? Sure enough I tought I'd be up +wi' you, and so now you see I'm down upon you.” + </p> +<p> +At this moment a Street-keeper made way through the crowd, and Tom and Bob +keeping close in his rear, came directly up to the principal performers in +this interesting scene, and found honest Pat Murphy holding the man by his +collar, while he was twisting and writhing to get released from the strong +and determined grasp of the athletic Hibernian. +</p> +<p> +Pat no sooner saw our Heroes, than he burst out with a lusty “Arroo! +arroo! there's the sweet-looking jontleman that's been robbed by a dirty +<i>spalpeen</i> that's not worth the tail of a rotten red-herring. I'll +give charge of dis here pick'd bladebone of a dead donkey that walks about +in God's own daylight, dirting his fingers wid what don't belong to him at +all at all. So sure as the devil's in his own house, and that's London, +you've had your pocket pick'd, my darling, and that's news well worth +hearing”—addressing himself to Dashall. +</p> +<p> +By this harangue it was pretty clearly understood that Murphy had been in +pursuit of the pickpocket, and Tom immediately gave charge. +</p> +<p> +The man, however, continued to declare he was not the right person—“That, +so help him G——d, the Irishman had got the wrong bull by the +tail—that he was a b——dy <i>snitch</i>{2} and that he +would <i>sarve him out</i>{3}—that he wished +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 <i>Brush</i>—Be off. + +2 <i>Snitch</i>—A term made use of by the light-fingered tribe, +to signify an informer, by whom they have been impeached or +betrayed—So a person who turns king's evidence against his +accomplices is called a Snitch. + +3 <i>Serve him out</i>—To punish, or be revenged upon any person +for any real or supposed injury. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[84]</span>he might meet him out of St. Giles's, and +he would <i>wake</i>{ 1} him with an <i>Irish howl</i>.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Wake with an Irish howl—An Irish Wake, which is no +unfrequent occurrence in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's +and Saffron Hill, is one of the most comically serious +ceremonies which can well be conceived, and certainly +baffles all powers of description. It is, however, +considered indispensable to wake the body of a de-ceased +native of the sister kingdom, which is, by a sort of mock +lying in state, to which all the friends, relatives, and +fellow countrymen and women, of the dead person, are +indiscriminately admitted; and among the low Irish this duty +is frequently performed in a cellar, upon which occasions +the motley group of assembled Hibernians would form a +subject for the pencil of the most able satirist. + +Upon one of these occasions, when Murtoch Mulrooney, who had +suffered the sentence of the law by the common hangman, for +a footpad robbery, an Englishman was induced by a friend of +the deceased to accompany him, and has left on record the +following account of his entertainment:— + +“When we had descended (says he) about a dozen steps, we +found ourselves in a subterraneous region, but fortunately +not uninhabited. On the right sat three old bawds, drinking +whiskey and smoking tobacco out of pipes about two inches +long, (by which means, I conceive, their noses had become +red,) and swearing and blasting between each puff. I was +immediately saluted by one of the most sober of the ladies, +and invited to take a glass of the enlivening nectar, and +led to the bed exactly opposite the door, where Murtoch was +laid out, and begged to pray for the repose of his precious +shoul. This, however, I declined, alleging that as the +parsons were paid for praying, it was their proper business. +At this moment a coarse female voice exclaimed, in a sort of +yell or Irish howl, 'Arrah! by Jasus, and why did you die, +honey?—Sure enough it was not for the want of milk, meal, +or tatoes.' + +“In a remote corner of the room, or rather cellar, sat three +draymen, five of his majesty's body guards, four sailors, +six haymakers, eight chairmen, and six evidence makers, +together with three bailiffs' followers, who came by turns +to view the body, and take a drop of the <i>cratur</i> to drink +repose to the shoul of their countryman; and to complete the +group, they were at-tended by the journeyman Jack Ketch. The +noise and confusion were almost stupefying—there were +praying—swearing—crying-howling—smoking—and drinking. + +“At the head of the bed where the remains of Murtoch were +laid, was the picture of the Virgin Mary on one side, and +that of St. Patrick on the other; and at the feet was +depicted the devil and some of his angels, with the blood +running down their backs, from the flagellations which they +had received from the disciples of Ketigern. Whether the +blue devils were flying around or not, I could not exactly +discover, but the whiskey and <i>blue ruin</i> were evidently +powerful in their effects. + +“One was swearing—a second counting his beads—a +third descanting on the good qualities of his departed +friend, and about to try those of the whiskey—a fourth +evacuating that load with which he had already overloaded +himself—a fifth, declaring he could carry a fare, hear +mass, knock down a member of parliament, murder a peace +officer, and after all receive a pension: and while the +priest was making an assignation with a sprightly female +sprig of Shelalah, another was jonteelly picking his pocket. +I had seen enough, and having no desire to continue in such +company, made my escape with as much speed as I could from +this animated group of persons, assembled as they were upon +so solemn an occasion.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[85]</span>With conversation of this kind, the party +were amused up St. Martin's lane, and on the remainder of the road to +Bow-street, followed by many persons, some of whom pretended to have seen +a part of the proceedings, and promised to give their evidence before the +magistrate, who was then sitting. +</p> +<p> +On arriving in Bow Street, they entered the Brown Bear,{1} a public-house, +much frequented by the officers, and in which is a strong-room for the +safe custody of prisoners, where they were shewn into a dark back-parlour, +as they termed it, and the officer proceeded to search the man in custody, +when lo and behold! the handkerchief was not to be found about him. +</p> +<p> +Pat d——d the devil and all his works—swore “by the fiery +furnace of Beelzebub, and that's the devil's own bed-chamber, that was the +man that nibbled the Jontleman's <i>dive</i>,{2} and must have <i>ding'd +away the wipe</i>,{3} or else what should he <i>bolt</i>{4} for?—that +he was up to the <i>rum slum</i>,{5} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A former landlord of the house facetiously christened it +the Russian Hotel, and had the words painted under the sign +of Bruin. + +2 <i>Nibbled the Jontleman's dive</i>—Picked the gentleman's +pocket. + +3 <i>Ding'd away the wipe</i>—Passed away the handkerchief to +another, to escape detection. This is a very common practice +in London: two or three in a party will be near, without +appearing to have the least knowledge of, or connexion with +each other, and the moment a depredation is committed by +one, he transfers the property to one of his pals, by whom +it is conveyed perhaps to the third, who decamps with it to +some receiver, who will immediately advance money upon it; +while, if any suspicion should fall upon the first, the +second will perhaps busy himself in his endeavours to secure +the offender, well knowing no proof of possession can be +brought against him. + +4 <i>Bolt</i>—Run away; try to make an escape. + +5 <i>Rum slum</i>—Gammon—queer talk or action, in which some +fraudulent intentions are discoverable or suspected. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[86]</span>and down upon the <i>kiddies</i>{1}—and +sure enough you're <i>boned,</i>{2} my dear boy.” + </p> +<p> +Some of the officers came in, and appeared to know the prisoner well, as +if they had been acquainted with each other upon former official business; +but as the lost property was not found upon him, it was the general +opinion that nothing could be done, and the accused began to exercise his +wit upon Murphy, which roused Pat's blood: +</p> +<p> +“For the least thing, you know, makes an Irishman roar.” + </p> +<p> +At length, upon charging him with having been caught <i>blue-pigeon +flying,</i>{3} Pat gave him the lie in his teeth—swore he'd fight +him for all the <i>blunt</i>{4} he had about him, “which to be sure,” said +he, “is but a sweet pretty half-a-crown, and be d——d to you—good +luck to it! Here goes,” throwing the half-crown upon the floor, which the +prisoner attempted to pick up, but was prevented by Pat's stamping his +foot upon it, while he was <i>doffing his jacket</i>,{5} exclaiming— +</p> +<p> +“Arrah, be after putting your dirty fingers in your pocket, and don't +spoil the King's picture by touching it—devil burn me, but I'll <i>mill +your mug to muffin dust</i>{6} before I'll give up that beautiful looking +bit; so tip us your mauley,{7} and no more blarney.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Down upon the Kiddies—To understand the arts and +manouvres of thieves and sharpers. + +2 Boned—Taken or secured. + +s Blue pigeon flying—The practice of stealing lead from +houses, churches, or other buildings. A species of +depredation very prevalent in London and its vicinity, and +which is but too much encouraged by the readiness with which +it can be disposed of to the plumbers in general. + +4 Blunt—A flash term for money. + +5 Doffing his Jacket—Taking off his jacket. + +6 Mill your mug to muffin dust—The peculiarity of the Irish +character for overstrained metaphor, may perhaps, in some +degree, account for the Hibernian's idea of beating his head +to flour, though he was afterwards inclined to commence his +operations in the true style and character of the prize +ring, where + +“Men shake hands before they box, Then give each other +plaguy knocks, With all the love and kindness of a brother.” + +7 Tip us your mauley—Give me your hand. Honour is so sacred +a thing with the Irish, that the rapid transition from a +violent expression to the point of honour, is no uncommon +thing amongst them; and in this instance it is quite clear +that although he meant to mill the mug of his opponent to +muffin dust, he had a notion of the thing, and intended to +do it in an honourable way. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[87]</span>During this conversation, the spectators, +who were numerous, were employed in endeavouring to pacify the indignant +Hibernian, who by this time had buffid it, or, in other words, <i>peeled +in prime twig</i>,{1} for a regular <i>turn to.</i>{2} All was noise and +confusion, when a new group of persons entered the room—another +capture had been made, and another charge given. It was however with some +difficulty that honest Pat Murphy was prevailed upon to remain a little +quiet, while one of the officers beckoned Dashall out of the room, and +gave him to understand that the man in custody, just brought in, was a +well-known <i>pal</i>{3} of the one first suspected, though they took not +the least notice of each other upon meeting. In the mean time, another +officer in the room had been searching the person of the last captured, +from whose bosom he drew the identical handkerchief of Bob; and the +Irishman recollected seeing him in the crowd opposite the Opera House. +</p> +<p> +This cleared up the mystery in some degree, though the two culprits +affected a total ignorance of each other. The property of the person who +had given the last charge was also discovered, and it was deemed +absolutely necessary to take them before the Magistrate. But as some new +incidents will arise on their introduction to the office, we shall reserve +them for the next Chapter. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Buff'd it, or peeled in prime twig—Stripped to the skin +in good order. The expressions are well known, and +frequently in use, among the sporting characters and lovers +of the fancy. + +2 Turn to, or set to—The commencement of a battle. + +3 Pal—A partner or confederate. +</div> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0008"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER VIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Houses, churches, mixt together, +Streets unpleasant in all weather; +Prisons, palaces contiguous, +Gates, a bridge—the Thames irriguous; +Gaudy things, enough to tempt ye, +Showy outsides, insides empty; +Bubbles, trades, mechanic arts, +Coaches, wheelbarrows, and carts; +Warrants, bailiffs, bills unpaid, +Lords of laundresses afraid; +Rogues, that nightly rob and shoot men, +Hangmen, aldermen, and footmen; +Lawyers, poets, priests, physicians, +Noble, simple, all conditions; +Worth beneath a thread-bare cover, +Villainy bedaubed all over; +Women, black, red, fair, and grey, +Prudes, and such as never pray; +Handsome, ugly, noisy still, +Some that will not, some that will; +Many a beau without a shilling, +Many a widow not unwilling; +Many a bargain, if you strike it:— +This is London—How d'ye like it? +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[88]</span>ON entering the Public Office, +Bow-street, we must leave our readers to guess at the surprise and +astonishment with which the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin beheld their +lost friend, Charles Sparkle, who it appeared had been kindly accommodated +with a lodging gratis in a neighbouring watch-house, not, as it may +readily be supposed, exactly suitable to his taste or inclination. Nor was +wonder less excited in the mind of Sparkle at this unexpected meeting, as +unlooked for as it was fortunate to all parties. There was however no +opportunity at the present moment for an explanation, as the worthy +Magistrate immediately proceeded to an investigation of the case just +brought before him, upon which there was no difficulty in deciding. The +charge was made, the handkerchief sworn to, and the men, who <span +class="pagenum">[89]</span>were well known as old hands upon the town, +committed for trial. The most remarkable feature in the examination being +the evidence of Pat Murphy, who by this time had recollected that the man +who was taken with the property about his person, was the very identical +aggressor who had offended him while the hod of mortar was on his +shoulder, before the conversation commenced between himself and Tom +opposite the Opera-house. +</p> +<p> +“Sure enough, your Honour,” said he, “its a true bill. I'm an Irishman, +and I don't care who knows it—I don't fight under false colours, but +love the land of potatoes, and honour St. Patrick. That there man with the +<i>blue toggery</i>{1} tipp'd me a bit of blarney, what did not suit my +stomach. I dropp'd my load, which he took for an order to quit, and so <i>mizzled</i>{2} +out of my way, or by the big bull of Ballynafad, I'd have powdered his wig +with brick-dust, and bothered his bread-basket with a little human +kindness in the shape of an Irishman's fist; and then that there other +dirty end of a shelalah, while the Jontleman—long life to your +Honour, (bowing to Tom Dashall)—was houlding a bit of conversation +with Pat Murphy, <i>grabb'd</i>{3} his pocket-handkerchief, and was after +shewing a leg,{4} when a little boy that kept his oglers upon 'em, let me +into the secret, and let the cat out of the bag by bawling—Stop +thief! He darted off like a cow at the sound of the bagpipes, and I +boulted a'ter him like a good'un; so when I came up to him, Down you go, +says I, and down he was; and that's all I know about the matter.” + </p> +<p> +As the prisoners were being taken out of court, the Hibernian followed +them. “Arrah,” said he, “my lads, as I have procured you a lodging for +nothing, here's the half-a-crown, what the good-looking Jontleman gave me; +it may sarve you in time of need, so take it along with you, perhaps you +may want it more than I do; and if you know the pleasure of spending money +that is honestly come by, it may teach you a lesson that may keep you out +of the clutches of Jock Ketch, and save +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Blue toggery—Toggery is a flash term for clothing in +general, but is made use of to describe a blue coat. + +2 Mizzled—Ran away. + +3 Grabb'd—Took, or stole. + +4 Shewing a leg—or, as it is sometimes called, giving leg- +bail—making the best use of legs to escape detection. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[90]</span>you from dying in a horse's night-cap{1}—there, +be off wid you.” + </p> +<p> +The Hon. Tom Dashall, who had carefully watched the proceedings of Pat, +could not help moralizing upon this last act of the Irishman, and the +advice which accompanied it. “Here,” said he to himself, “is a genuine +display of national character. Here is the heat, the fire, the +effervescence, blended with the generosity and open-heartedness, so much +boasted of by the sons of Erin, and so much eulogized by travellers who +have visited the Emerald Isle.” And slipping a sovereign into his hand, +after the execution of a bond to prosecute the offenders, each of them +taking an arm of Sparkle, they passed down Bow-street, conversing on the +occurrences in which they had been engaged, of which the extraordinary +appearance of Sparkle was the most prominent and interesting. +</p> +<p> +“How in the name of wonder came you in such a scrape?” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“Innocently enough, I can assure you,” replied Sparkle—“with my +usual luck—a bit of gig, a lark, and a turn up.{2} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“... 'Twas waxing rather late, +And reeling bucks the street began to scour, +While guardian watchmen, with a tottering gait, +Cried every thing quite clear, except the hour.” + +1 Horse's night-cap—A halter. + +2 A bit of gig—a lark—a turn up—are terms made use of to +signify a bit of fun of any kind, though the latter more +generally means a fight. Among the bucks and bloods of the +Metropolis, a bit of fun or a lark, as they term it, ending +in a milling match, a night's lodging in the watch-house, +and a composition with the Charleys in the morning, to avoid +exposure before the Magistrate, is a proof of high spirit—a +prime delight, and serves in many cases to stamp a man's +character. Some, however, who have not courage enough to +brave a street-row and its consequences, are fond of fun of +other kinds, heedless of the consequences to others. “Go it, +my boys,” says one of the latter description, “keep it up, +huzza! I loves fun—for I made such a fool of my father last +April day:—but what do you think I did now, eh?—Ha! ha! +ha!—I will tell you what makes me laugh so: we were +keeping it up in prime twig, faith, so about four o'clock in +the morning 1 went down into the kitchen, and there was Dick +the waiter snoring like a pig before a blazing fire—done +up, for the fellow can't keep it up as we jolly boys do: So +thinks 1, I'll have you, my boy—and what does I do, but I +goes softly and takes the tongs, and gets a red hot coal as +big as my head, and plumpt it upon the fellow's foot and run +away, because I loves fun, you know: So it has lamed him, +and that makes me laugh so—Ha! ha! ha!—it was what I call +better than your <i>rappartees</i> and your <i>bobinâtes</i>. I'll +tell you more too: you must know I was in high tip-top +spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man—for I do +loves fun: so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that +made me laugh heartily: So says I to the blind man—Hallo, +Master, what a you a'ter, what is you up to? does you want +your dog?—Yes, Sir, says he. Now only you mark what I said +to the blind man—Then go and look for him, old chap, says +I—Ha! ha! ha!—that's your sort, my boy, keep it up, keep +it up, d—— me. That's the worst of it, I always turn +sick when I think of a Parson—I always do; and my brother +he is a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear: so +you know I always swear like a trooper when I am near him, +on purpose to roast him. I went to dine with him one day +last week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more +of what you call your modest women; but I sent 'em all from +the table, and then laugh'd at 'em, for I loves fun, and +that was fun alive 0. And so there was nobody in the room +but my brother and me, and I begun to swear most sweetly: I +never swore so well in all my life—I swore all my new +oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear; +till at last my brother looked frightened, and d—— me that +was good fun. At last, he lifted up his hands and eyes to +Heaven, and calls out <i>O tempora, O mores!</i> But I was not to +be done so. Oh! oh! Brother, says I, what you think to +frighten me by calling all your family about you; but I +don't care for you, nor your family neither—so stow it— +I'll mill the whole troop—Only bring your Tempora and Mores +here, that's all—let us have fair play, I'll tip 'em the +Gas in a flash of lightning—I'll box 'em for five pounds, +d—— me: here, where's Tempora and Mores, where are they? +My eyes, how he did stare when he see me ready for a set to— +I never laugh'd so in my life—he made but two steps out of +the room, and left me master of the field. What d'ye +think of that for a lark, eh?—Keep it up—keep it up, d—— +me, says I—so I sets down to the table, drank as much as I +could—then I mix'd the heel-taps all in one bottle, and +broke all the empty ones—then bid adieu to Tempora and +Mores, and rolled home in a hackney-coach in prime and +plummy order, d—— me.” + </div> +<p> +“Coming along Piccadilly last night after leaving you, I was overtaken at +the corner of Rupert-street by our old college-companion Harry Hartwell, +pursuing his way to the Hummums, where it seems he has taken up his abode. +Harry, you remember, never was exactly one of us; he studies too much, and +pores everlastingly over musty old volumes of Law Cases, Blackstone's +Commentaries, and other black books, to qualify himself for the black art, +and as fit and proper person to appear at the Bar. The length of time that +had elapsed since our last meeting was sufficient inducement for us to +crack a bottle together; <span class="pagenum">[92]</span>so taking his +arm, we proceeded to the place of destination, where we sat talking over +past times, and indulging our humour till half-past one o'clock, when I +sallied forth on my return to Long's, having altogether abandoned my +original intention of calling in Golden-square. At the corner of +Leicester-square, my ears were assailed with a little of the night music—the +rattles were in full chorus, and the Charleys, in prime twig,{1} were +mustering from all quarters. +</p> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0008"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page092.jpg" style="width:100%;" +alt="Page92 Tom and Bob Catching a Charley Napping "><br> +</div> +<p> +“The street was all alive, and I made my way through the crowd to the +immediate scene of action, which was rendered peculiarly interesting by +the discovery of a dainty bit of female beauty shewing fight with half a +dozen watchmen, in order to extricate herself from the grasp of these +guardians of our peace. She was evidently under the influence of the +Bacchanalian god, which invigorated her arm, without imparting discretion +to her head, and she laid about her with such dexterity, that the old +files{2} were fearful of losing their prey; but the odds were fearfully +against her, and never did I feel my indignation more aroused, than when I +beheld a sturdy ruffian aim a desperate blow at her head with his rattle, +which in all probability, had it taken the intended effect, would have +sent her in search of that peace in the other world, of which she was +experiencing so little in this. It was not possible for me to stand by, an +idle spectator of the destruction of a female who appeared to have no +defender, whatever might be the nature of the offence alleged or +committed. I therefore warded off the blow with my left arm, and with my +right gave him a well-planted blow on the conk,{3} which sent him piping +into the kennel. In a moment I was surrounded and charged with a violent +assault upon the charley,{4} and interfering with the guardians of the +night in the execution of their duty. A complete diversion took place from +the original object of their fury, and in the bustle to secure me, the +unfortunate girl made her escape, where to, or how, heaven +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Prime twig—Any thing accomplished in good order, or with +dexterity: a person well dressed, or in high spirits, is +considered to be in prime twig. + +2 Old Jiles—A person who has had a long course of +experience in the arts of fraud, so as to become an adept in +the manouvres of the town, is termed a deep file—a rum +file, or an old file. + +3 Conk—The nose. + +4 Charley—A watchman. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[93]</span>only knows. Upon finding this, I made no +resistance, but marched boldly along with the scouts{1} to St. Martin's +watch-house, where we arrived just as a hackney coach drew up to the door. +</p> +<p> +“Take her in, d——n her eyes, she shall <i>stump up the rubbish</i>{2} +before I leave her, or give me the address of her <i>flash covey</i>,{3} +and so here goes.” By this time we had entered the watch-house, where I +perceived the awful representative of justice seated in an arm chair, with +a good blazing fire, smoking his pipe in consequential ease. A crowd of +Charleys, with broken lanterns, broken heads, and other symptoms of a row, +together with several casual spectators, had gained admittance, when +Jarvis entered, declaring—By G——he wouldn't be choused +by any wh——re or cull in Christendom, and he would make 'em +come down pretty handsomely, or he'd know the reason why: “And so please +your Worship, Sir”—then turning round, “hallo,” said he, “Sam, +what's becom'd of that there voman—eh—vhat, you've been +playing booty eh, and let her escape.” The man to whom this was intended +to be addressed did not appear to be present, as no reply was made. +However, the case was briefly explained. +</p> +<p> +“But, by G——, I von't put any thing in Sam's vay again,” cried +Jarvey.{4} For my own part, as I knew nothing of the occurrences adverted +to, I was as much in the dark as if I had gone home without interruption. +The representations of the Charleys proved decisive against me—in +vain I urged the cause of humanity, and the necessity I felt of protecting +a defenceless female from the violence of accumulating numbers, and that I +had done no more than every man ought to have done upon such an occasion. +<i>Old puff and swill</i>, the lord of the night, declared that I must +have acted with malice afore-thought—that I was a pal in the +concern, and that I had been instrumental in the design of effecting a +rescue; and, after a very short deliberation, he concluded that I must be +a notorious rascal, and desired me to make up my mind to remain with him +for the remainder of the night. Not relishing this, I proposed to send for +bail, assuring him of my +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Scouts—Watchmen. + +3 Stump up the rubbish—Meaning she (or he) shall pay, or +find money. + +3 Flash covey—A fancy man, partner or protector + +4 Jarvey—A coachman. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[94]</span>attendance in the morning; but was +informed it could not be accepted of, as it was clearly made out against +me that I had committed a violent breach of the peace, and nothing at that +time could be produced that would prove satisfactory. Under these +circumstances, and partly induced by a desire to avoid being troublesome +in other quarters, I submitted to a restraint which it appeared I could +not very well avoid, and, taking my seat in an arm-chair by the fire-side, +I soon fell fast asleep, from which I was only aroused by the occasional +entrances and exits of the guardians, until between four and five o'clock, +when a sort of general muster of the Charleys took place, and each one +depositing his nightly paraphernalia, proceeded to his own habitation. +Finding the liberation of others from their duties would not have the +effect of emancipating me from my confinement, which was likely to be +prolonged to eleven, or perhaps twelve o'clock, I began to feel my +situation as a truly uncomfortable one, when I was informed by the +watch-house keeper, who resides upon the spot, that he was going to <i>turn +in</i>,{1} that there was fire enough to last till his wife turn'd out, +which would be about six o'clock, and, as I had the appearance of a +gentleman, if there was any thing I wanted, she would endeavour to make +herself useful in obtaining it. “But Lord,” said he, “there is no such +thing as believing any body now-a-days—there was such sets out, and +such manouvering, that nobody knew nothing of nobody.” + </p> +<p> +“I am obliged to you, my friend,” said I, “for this piece of information, +and in order that you may understand something of the person you are +speaking to beyond the mere exterior view, here is half-a-crown for your +communication.” + </p> +<p> +“Why, Sir,” said he, laying on at the same moment a shovel of coals, “this +here makes out what I said—Don't you see, said I, that 'are +Gentleman is a gentleman every inch of him, says I—as don't want +nothing at all no more nor what is right, and if so be as how he's got +himself in a bit of a hobble, I knows very well as how he's got the tip{2} +in his pocket, and does'nt want for spirit to pull it out—Perhaps +you might like some breakfast, sir?” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Turn in—Going to bed. This is a term most in use among +seafaring men. + +2 Tip is synonymous with blunt, and means money. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[95]</span>"Why yes,” said I—for I began to +feel a little inclined that way. +</p> +<p> +“O my wife, Sir,” said he, “will do all you want, when she rouses +herself.” + </p> +<p> +“I suppose,” continued I, “you frequently have occasion to accommodate +persons in similar situations?” + </p> +<p> +“Lord bless you! yes, sir, and a strange set of rum customers we have too +sometimes—why it was but a few nights ago we had 'em stowed here as +thick as three in a bed. We had 'em all upon the <i>hop</i>{1}—you +never see'd such fun in all your life, and this here place was as full of +curiosities as Pidcock's at Exeter Change, or Bartlemy-fair—Show 'em +up here, all alive alive O!” + </p> +<p> +“Indeed!” said I, feeling a little inquisitive on the subject; “and how +did this happen?” + </p> +<p> +“Why it was a <i>rummish</i> piece of business altogether. There was a +large party of dancing fashionables all met together for a little jig in +St. Martin's lane, and a very pretty medley there was of them. The +fiddlers wagg'd their elbows, and the lads and lasses their trotters, till +about one o'clock, when, just as they were in the midst of a quadrille, in +burst the officers, and quickly changed the tune. The appearance of these +gentlemen had an instantaneous effect upon all parties present: the cause +of their visit was explained, and the whole squad taken into custody, to +give an account of themselves, and was brought here in hackney-coaches. +The delicate Miss and her assiduous partner, who, a short time before had +been all spirits and animation, were now sunk in gloomy reflections upon +the awkwardness of their situation; and many of our inhabitants would have +fainted when they were informed they would have to appear before the +Magistrate in the morning, but for the well-timed introduction of a little +drap of the <i>cratur</i>, which an Irish lady ax'd me to fetch for her. +But the best of the fun was, that in the group we had a Lord and a Parson! +For the dignity of the one, and the honour of the other, they were +admitted to bail—Lord have mercy upon us! said the Parson—Amen, +said the Lord; and this had the desired effect upon the Constable of the +night, for he let them off on the sly, you understand: But my eyes what +work there was in the morning! sixteen Jarveys, full of live lumber, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Hop—A dance. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[96]</span>were taken to Bow-street, in a nice +pickle you may be sure, dancing-pumps and silk-stockings, after setting in +the watch-house all night, and surrounded by lots of people that hooted +and howled, as the procession passed along, in good style. They were +safely landed at the Brown Bear, from which they were handed over in +groups to be examined by the Magistrate, when the men were discharged upon +giving satisfactory accounts, and the women after some questions being put +to them. You see all this took place because they were dancing in an +unlicensed room. It was altogether a laughable set-out as ever you see'd—the +Dandys and the Dandyzettes—the Exquisites—the Shopmen—the +Ladies' maid and the Prentice Boys—my Lord and his Reverence—mingled +up higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw, with Bow-street Officers, Runners +and Watchmen—Ladies squalling and fainting, Men swearing and almost +fighting. It would have been a pleasure to have kick'd up a row that +night, a purpose to get admission—you would have been highly amused, +I'll assure you—good morning, Sir.” And thus saying, he turned the +lock upon me, and left me to my meditations. In about a couple of hours +the old woman made her appearance, and prepared me some coffee; and at +eleven o'clock came the Constable of the night, to accompany me before the +Magistrate. +</p> +<p> +“Aware that the circumstances were rather against me, and that I had no +right to interfere in other persons' business or quarrels, I consulted him +upon the best mode of making up the matter; for although I had really done +no more than becomes a man in protecting a female, I had certainly +infringed upon the law, in effecting the escape of a person in custody, +and consequently was liable to the penalty or penalties in such cases made +and provided. On our arrival at the Brown Bear, I was met by a +genteel-looking man, who delivered me a letter, and immediately +disappeared. Upon breaking the seal, I found its contents as follows: +</p> +<p> +Dear Sir, Although unknown to me, I have learned enough of your character +to pronounce you a trump, a prime cock, and nothing but a good one. I am +detained by John Doe and Richard Roe with their d——d <i>fieri +facias</i>, or I should be with you. However, I trust you will excuse the +liberty I take in requesting you will make use of the enclosed for the +purpose of shaking yourself out of the <span class="pagenum">[97]</span>hands +of the scouts and their pals. We shall have some opportunities of meeting, +when I will explain: in the mean time, believe me I am +</p> +<p> +Your's truly, +</p> +<p> +Tom. +</p> +<p> +“With this advice, so consonant with my own opinion, I immediately +complied; and having satisfied the broken-headed Charley, and paid all +expences incurred, I was induced to walk into the office merely to give a +look around me, when by a lucky chance I saw you enter. And thus you have +a full, true, and particular account of the peregrinations of your humble +servant.” + </p> +<p> +Listening with close attention to this narrative of Sparkle's, all other +subjects had escaped observation, till they found themselves in the +Strand. +</p> +<p> +“Whither are we bound?” inquired Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +“On a voyage of discoveries,” replied Dashall, “and we just wanted you to +act as pilot.” + </p> +<p> +“What place is this?” inquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“That,” continued Sparkle, “is Somerset-house. It is a fine old building; +it stands on the banks of the Thames, raised on piers and arches, and is +now appropriated to various public offices, and houses belonging to the +various offices of the Government.” + </p> +<p> +“The terrace, which lies on the river, is very fine, and may be well +viewed from Waterloo Bridge. The front in the Strand, you perceive, has a +noble aspect, being composed of a rustic basement, supporting a Corinthian +order of columns crowned with an attic in the centre, and at the +extremities with a balustrade. The south front, which looks into the +court, is very elegant in its composition. +</p> +<p> +“The basement consists of nine large arches; and three in the centre open, +forming the principal entrance; and three at each end, filled with windows +of the Doric order, are adorned with pilasters, entablatures, and +pediments. On the key-stones of the nine arches are carved, in alto +relievo, nine colossal masks, representing the Ocean, and the eight main +Rivers of England, viz. <i>Thames, Humber, Mersey, Dee, Medway, Tweed, +Tyne, and Severn</i>, with appropriate emblems to denote their various +characters. +</p> +<p> +“Over the basement the Corinthian order consists of ten columns upon +pedestals, having their regular entablature. It comprehends two floors, +and the attic in the centre of the front extends over three +intercolomniations, and is divided into three parts by four colossal +statues placed on <span class="pagenum">[98]</span>the columns of the +order. It terminates with a group consisting of the arms of the British +empire, supported on one side by the Genius of England, and by Fame, +sounding the trumpet, on the other. These three open arches in the front +form the principal entrance to the whole of the structure, and lead to an +elegant vestibule decorated with Doric columns. +</p> +<p> +“The terrace, which fronts the Thames, is spacious, and commands a +beautiful view of part of the river, including Blackfriars, Waterloo, and +Westminster Bridges. It is reared on a grand rustic basement, having +thirty-two spacious arches. The arcade thus formed is judiciously relieved +by projections ornamented with rusticated columns, and the effect of the +whole of the terrace from the water is truly grand and noble. There is +however, at present, no admission for the public to it; but, in all +probability, it will be open to all when the edifice is completed, which +would form one of the finest promenades in the world, and prove to be one +of the first luxuries of the metropolis. +</p> +<p> +“That statue in the centre is a representation of our late King, George +the Third, with the Thames at his feet, pouring wealth and plenty from a +large Cornucopia. It is executed by Bacon, and has his characteristic cast +of expression. It is in a most ludicrous situation, being placed behind, +and on the brink of a deep area. +</p> +<p> +“In the vestibule are the rooms of the Royal Society, the Society of +Antiquarians, and the Royal Academy of Arts, all in a very grand and +beautiful style. Over the door of the Royal Academy is a bust of Michael +Angelo; and over the door leading to the Royal Society and Society of +Antiquarians, you will find the bust of Sir Isaac Newton. +</p> +<p> +“The Government-offices, to which this building is devoted, are objects of +great astonishment to strangers, being at once commodious and elegant, and +worthy the wealth of the nation to which they belong. The hall of the Navy +office is a fine room with two fronts, one facing the terrace and river, +and the other facing the court. On the right is the Stamp-office: it +consists of a multitude of apartments: the room in which the stamping is +executed is very interesting to the curious. On the left you see the +Pay-office of the Navy. +</p> +<p> +“The principal thing to attract notice in this edifice is <span +class="pagenum">[99]</span>the solidity and completeness of the +workmanship in the masonry, and indeed in every other part.” + </p> +<p> +After taking a rather prolonged view of this elegant edifice, they again +sallied forth into the Strand, mingling with all the noise and bustle of a +crowded street, where by turns were to be discovered, justling each other, +parsons, lawyers, apothecaries, projectors, excisemen, organists, +picture-sellers, bear and monkey-leaders, fiddlers and bailiffs. The +barber and the chimney-sweeper were however always observed to be careful +in avoiding the touch of each other, as if contamination must be the +inevitable consequence. +</p> +<p> +“My dear fellow!” exclaimed a tall and well-dressed person, who dragged +the Honourable Tom Dashall on one side—“you are the very person I +wanted—I'm very glad to see you in town again—but I have not a +moment to spare—the blood-hounds are in pursuit—this term will +be ended in two days, then comes the long vacation—liberty without +hiring a horse—you understand—was devilishly afraid of being +nabb'd just now—should have been dished if I had—lend me five +shillings—come, make haste.” + </p> +<p> +“Five shillings, Diddler, when am I to be paid? you remember—' When +I grow rich' was the reply.” + </p> +<p> +“Know—yes, I know all about it—but no matter, I'm not going to +settle accounts just now, so don't detain me, I hate Debtor and Creditor. +Fine sport to-morrow, eh—shall be at the Ring—in cog.—take +no notice—disguised as a Quaker—Obadiah Lankloaks—d——d +large beaver hat, and hide my physog.—Lend me what silver you have, +and be quick about it, for I can't stay—thank you, you're a d——a +good fellow, Tom, a trump—shall now pop into a hack, and drive into +another county—thank ye—good day—by by.” + </p> +<p> +During this harangue, while Tost was counting his silver, the ingenious +Mr. Diddler seized all he had, and whipping it speedily into his pocket, +in a few minutes was out of his sight. +</p> +<p> +Sparkle observing Dashall looking earnestly after Diddler, approached, and +giving him a lusty slap on the shoulder—“Ha! ha! ha!” exclaimed he, +“what are you done again?” + </p> +<p> +“I suppose so,” said Dashall; “confound the fellow, he is always +borrowing: I never met him in my life but <span class="pagenum">[100]</span>he +had some immediate necessity or other to require a loan of a little +temporary supply, as he calls it.” + </p> +<p> +“I wonder,” said Sparkle, “that you are so ready to lend, after such +frequent experience—how much does he owe you?” + </p> +<p> +“Heaven only knows,” continued Tom, “for I do not keep account against +him, I must even trust to his honour—so it is useless to stand here +losing our time—Come, let us forward.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,”, said Sparkle, “and with permission I propose a visit +to the Bonassus, a peep at St. Paul's, and a chop at Dolly's.” + </p> +<p> +This proposition being highly approved of, they continued their walk along +the Strand, towards Temple Bar, and in a few minutes were attracted by the +appearance of men dressed in the garb of the Yeomen of the Guards, who +appeared active in the distribution of hand-bills, and surrounded a house +on the front of which appeared a long string of high and distinguished +names, as patrons and patronesses of the celebrated animal called the +Bonassus. Crossing the road in their approach to the door, Tallyho could +not help admiring the simple elegance of a shop-front belonging to a +grocer, whose name is Peck. +</p> +<p> +“Very handsome and tasty, indeed,” replied Sparkle; “that combination of +marble and brass has a light and elegant effect: it has no appearance of +being laboured at. The inhabitant of the house I believe is a foreigner, I +think an Italian; but London boasts of some of the most elegant shops in +the world.” And by this time they entered the opposite house. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0009"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER IX +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“In London my life is a ring of delight, +In frolics I keep up the day and the night; +I snooze at the Hummums till twelve, perhaps later, +I rattle the bell, and I roar up the Waiter; +?Your Honour,' says he, and he makes me a leg; +He brings me my tea, but I swallow an egg; +For tea in a morning's a slop I renounce, +So I down with a glass of good right cherry-bounce. +With—swearing, tearing—ranting, jaunting—slashing, +smashing—smacking, cracking—rumbling, tumbling +—laughing, quaffing—smoking, joking—swaggering, +Staggering: +So thoughtless, so knowing, so green and so mellow, +This, this is the life of a frolicsome fellow.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[101]</span>UPON entering the house, and depositing +their shilling each to view this newly discovered animal from the +Apalachian mountains of America, and being supplied with immense long +bills descriptive of his form and powers—“Come along (said Sparkle,) +let us have a look at the most wonderful production of nature—only +seventeen months old, five feet ten inches high, and one of the most +fashionable fellows in the metropolis.” + </p> +<p> +“It should seem so,” said Tallyho, “by the long list of friends and +visitors that are detailed in the commencement of the bill of fare.” + </p> +<p> +“Perhaps,” said Tom, “there are more Bon asses than one.” + </p> +<p> +“Very likely (continued Sparkle;) but let me tell you the allusion in this +case does not apply, for this animal has nothing of the donkey about him, +and makes no noise, as you will infer from the following lines in the +Bill: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“As the Bonassus does not roar, +His fame is widely known, +For no dumb animal before +Has made such noise in town.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[102]</span>At this moment the barking of a dog +assailed their ears, and suspended the conversation. Passing onward to the +den of the Bonassus, they found a dark-featured gentleman of middling +stature, with his hair, whiskers, and ears, so bewhitened with powder as +to form a complete contrast with his complexion and a black silk +handkerchief which he wore round his neck, holding a large brown-coloured +dog by the collar, in order to prevent annoyance to the visitors. +</p> +<p> +“D——n the dog, (exclaimed he) although he is the best tempered +creature in the world, he don't seem to like the appearance of the +Bonassus “—and espying Sparkle, “Ha, my dear fellow! how are you?—I +have not seen you for a long while.” + </p> +<p> +“Why, Sir D—n—ll, I am happy to say I never was better in my +life—allow me to introduce you to my two friends, the Hon. Mr. +Dashall, and Robert Tallyho—Sir D—n—ll Harlequin.” + </p> +<p> +The mutual accompaniments of such an introduction having passed among +them, the Knight, who was upon the moment of departure as they entered, +expressed his approbation of the animal he had been viewing, and, lugging +his puppy by one hand, and his cudgel in the other, wished them a good +morning. +</p> +<p> +“There is an eccentric man of Title,” continued Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +“I should judge,” said Bob, “there was a considerable portion of +eccentricity about him, by his appearance. Is he a Baronet?” + </p> +<p> +“A Baronet,” (replied Sparkle) “no, no, he is no other than a <i>Quack +Doctor</i>."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Of all the subjects that afford opportunities for the +satiric pen in the Metropolis, perhaps there is none more +abundant or prolific than that of Quackery. Dr. Johnson +observes, that “<i>cheats can seldom stand long against +laughter</i>.” But if a judgment is really to be formed from +existing facts, it may be supposed that times are so +materially changed since the residence of that able writer +in this sublunary sphere, that the reverse of the position +may with greater propriety be asserted. For such is the +prevailing practice of the present day, that, according to +the opinion of thousands, there is nothing to be done +without a vast deal more of profession and pretence than +actual power, and he who is the best able to bear laughing +at, is the most likely to realize the hopes he entertains of +obtaining celebrity, and of having his labours crowned with +success. Nothing can be more evident than this in the +Medical profession, though there are successful Quacks of +all kinds, and in all situations, to be found in London. +This may truly be called the age of Quackery, from the +abundance of impostors of every kind that prey upon society; +and such as cannot or will not think for themselves, ought +to be guarded in a publication of this nature, against the +fraudulent acts of those persons who make it their business +and profit to deteriorate the health, morals, and amusements +of the public. But, in the present instance, we are speaking +of the Medical Quack only, than which perhaps there is none +more remarkable. + +The race of Bossys, Brodrums, Solomons, Perkins, Chamants, +&c. is filled by others of equal notoriety, and no doubt of +equal utility. The Cerfs, the Curries, the Lamerts, the +Ruspinis, the Coopers, and Munroes, are all equally entitled +to public approbation, particularly if we may credit the +letters from the various persons who authenticate the +miraculous cures they have performed in the most inveterate, +we hail almost said, the most impossible, cases. If those +persons are really in existence (and who can doubt it?) they +certainly have occasion to be thankful for their escapes, +and we congratulate them; for in our estimation Quack +Doctors seem to consider the human frame merely as a subject +for experiments, which if successful will secure the +reputation of the practitioner. The acquisition of fame and +fortune is, in the estimation of these philosophers, cheaply +purchased by sacrificing the lives of a few of the vulgar, +to whom they prescribe gratis; and the slavish obedience of +some patients to the Doctor, is really astonishing. It is +said that a convalescent at Bath wrote to his Physician in +London, to know whether he might eat sauce with his pork; +but we have not been able to discover whether he expected an +answer gratis; that would perhaps have been an experiment +not altogether grateful to the Doctor's feelings. + +The practice of advertising and billing the town has become +so common, that a man scarcely opens a coal-shed, or a +potatoe-stall, without giving due notice of it in the +newspapers, and distributing hand-bills: and frequently with +great success. But our Doctors, who make no show of their +commodities, have no mode of making themselves known without +it. Hence the quantity of bills thrust into the hand of the +passenger through the streets of London, which divulge the +almost incredible performances of their publishers. A high- +sounding name, such as The Chevalier de diamant, the +Chevalier de Ruspini, or The Medical Board, well bored behind +and before, are perhaps more necessary, with a few paper +puffs—as “palpable hits, my Lord,” than either skill or +practice, to obtain notice and secure fame. + +The Chevalier de Chamant, who was originally a box-maker, +and a man of genius, considering box-making a plebeian +occupation, was for deducing a logical position, not exactly +perhaps by fair argument, but at all events through the +teeth, and was determined, although he could not, like Dr. +Pangloss, mend the cacology of his friends, at least to give +them an opportunity for plenty of jaw-work. With this +laudable object in view, he obtained a patent for making +artificial teeth of mineral paste; and in his advertisements +condescended not to prove their utility as substitutes for +the real teeth, when decayed or wanting, (this was beneath +his notice, and would have been a piece of mere plebeian +Quackery unworthy of his great genius,) but absolutely +assured the world that his mineral teeth were infinitely +superior to any production of nature, both for mastication +and beauty! How this was relished we know not; but he +declared (and he certainly ought to know) that none but +silly and timid persons would hesitate for one moment to +have their teeth drawn, and substitute his minerals: and it +is wonderful to relate, that although his charges were +enormous, and the operation (as may be supposed) not the +most pleasant, yet people could not resist the ingenious +Chevalier's fascinating and drawing puffs; in consequence of +which he soon became possessed of a large surplus of +capital, with which he determined to speculate in the Funds. + +For this purpose he employed old Tom Bish, the Stockbroker, +to purchase stock for the amount; but owing to a sudden +fluctuation in the market, a considerable depreciation took +place between the time of purchase and that of payment; a +circumstance which made the Chevalier grin and show his +teeth: Determining however, not to become a victim to the +fangs of Bulls and Bears, but rather to dive like a duck, he +declared the bargain was not legal, and that he would not be +bound by it. Bish upon this occasion proved a hard-mouthed +customer to the man of teeth, and was not a quiet subject to +be drawn, but brought an action against the mineral monger, +and recovered the debt. Tom's counsel, in stating the case, +observed, that the Defendant would find the law could bite +sharper aud hold tighter than any teeth he could make; and +so it turned out. + +The Chevalier de R—sp—ni is another character who has cut +no small figure in this line, but has recently made his +appearance in the Gazette, not exactly on so happy an +occasion as such a circumstance would be to his brother +chip, Dr. D—n—ll, now (we suppose) Sir Francis—though +perhaps equally entitled to the honour of knighthood. The +Chevalier has for some years looked Royalty in the face by +residing opposite Carlton House, and taken every precaution +to let the public know that such an important public +character was there to be found, by displaying his name as +conspicuously as possible on brass plates, &c. so that the +visitors to Carlton House could hardly fail to notice him as +the second greatest Character of that great neighbourhood. +But what could induce so great a man to sport his figure in +the Gazette, is as unaccountable as the means by which he +obtained such happy celebrity. Had it occurred immediately +after the war, it might have been concluded without much +stretch of imagination, that the Chevalier, who prides +himself on his intimacy with all the great men of the day, +had, through the friendship of the Duke of Wellington, made +a contract for the teeth and jaw-bones of all who fell at +the battle of Waterloo, and that by bringing to market so +great a stock at one time, the article had fallen in value, +and left the speculating Chevalier so great a loser as to +cause his bankruptcy. Whether such is the real cause or not, +it is difficult to ascertain what could induce the Chevalier +to descend from his dealings with the head to dabble with +lower commodities. + +Among other modes of obtaining notoriety, usually resorted +to by Empirics, the Chevalier used to job a very genteel +carriage and pair, but his management was so excellent, that +the expenses of his equipage were very trifling; for as it +was not intended to run, but merely to stand at the door +like a barker at a broker's shop, or a direction-post, he +had the loan on very moderate terms, the job-master taking +into account that the wind of the cattle was not likely to +be injured, or the wheels rattled to pieces by velocity, or +smashed by any violent concussion. + +The Chevalier had a Son, who unfortunately was not endowed +by nature with so much ambition or information as his +father; for, frequently when the carriage has been standing +at the door, he has been seen drinking gin most cordially +with Coachee, without once thinking of the evils of example, +or recollecting that he was one of the family. Papa used to +be very angry on these occasions, because, as he said, it +was letting people know that Coachee was only hired as &job, +and not as a family domestic. + +For the great benefit and advantage of the community, +Medical Boards have recently been announced in various parts +of the Metropolis, where, according to the assertions of the +Principals, in their advertisements, every disease incident +to human nature is treated by men of skilful practice; and +among these truly useful establishments, those of Drs. +Cooper, Munro, and Co. of Charlotte house, Blackfriars, and +Woodstock-house, Oxford-road, are not the least conspicuous. +Who these worthies are, it is perhaps difficult to +ascertain. One thing however is certain, that Sir +F——s C——e D—n—ll, M.D. is announced as Treasurer, +therefore there can be no doubt but that all is fair above +board, for + +“Brutus is an honourable man, +So are they all—all honourable men.” + +And where so much skill derived from experience is +exercised, it cannot be doubted but great and important +benefits may result to a liberal and enlightened people. Of +the establishment itself we are informed by a friend, that +having occasion to call on the Treasurer, upon some +business, the door was opened by a copper-coloured servant, +a good-looking young Indian—not a fuscus Hydaspes, but a +serving man of good appearance, who ushered him up stairs, +and introduced him to the front room on the first floor, +where all was quackery, bronze and brass, an electrical +machine, images, pictures and diplomas framed and glazed, +and a table covered with books and papers. In a short time, +a person of very imposing appearance entered the room, with +his hair profusely powdered, and his person, from his chin +to his toes, enveloped in a sort of plaid roquelaure, who, +apologizing for the absence of the Doctor, began to assure +him of his being in the entire confidence of the Board, and +in all probability would have proceeded to the operation of +feeling the pulse in a very short time, had not the visitor +discovered in the features of this disciple of Esculapius a +person he had known in former times. 'Why, good God!' +cried he, 'is that you?—What have you done with the Magic- +lantern, and the Lecture on Heads?—am I right, or am I in +fairy-land?' calling him by his name. It was in vain to +hesitate, it was impossible to escape, the discovery was +complete. It was plain however that the dealer in magical +delusions had not altogether given up the art of +legerdemain, which, perhaps, he finds the most profitable of +the two. + +Of the worthy Knight himself, (and perhaps the Coopers and +Munros have been consumed by the electrical fluid of their +own Board) much might be said. He is the inventor of a life- +preserver, with which it may be fairly presumed he has +effected valuable services to his country by the +preservation of Royalty, as a proof of deserving the honour +he has obtained. He is patriotic and independent, masonic +and benevolent, a great admirer of fancy horses and fancy +ladies, a curer of incurables, and has recently published +one of the most extraordinary Memoirs that has ever been +laid before the public, embellished with two portraits: +which of the two is most interesting must be left to the +discrimination of those who view them. It must however be +acknowledged, that after reading the following extract, +ingratitude is not yet eradicated from our nature, since, +notwithstanding he has obtained the dignified appellation of +Sir Francis, the Gazette says, that “in future no improper +person shall be admitted to the honour of knighthood, in +consequence of two surreptitious presentations lately”—the +one an M.D. the other F.R.C. Surgeons, particularly if it +were possible that this Gentleman may be one of the persons +alluded to. For, what says the Memoir? + +“The utility of Sir Francis's invention being thus fully +established, and its ingenuity universally admired, it +excited the interest of the first characters among the +nobility, and an introduction to Court was repeatedly +offered to Sir Francis on this account. After a previous +communication with one of the Royal Family, and also with +the Secretary of State, on the 14th June last, he had the +honour of being presented to His Majesty, who, justly +appreciating the merit of the discovery, was pleased to +confer upon him the honour of knighthood. + +“Thus it is pleasing, in the distribution of honours by the +hand of the Sovereign, to mark where they are conferred on +real merit. This is the true intention of their origin; but +it has been too often departed from, and they have been +given where no other title existed than being the friend of +those who had influence to gain the Royal ear. From the +above statement, it will be seen this honour was conferred +on Sir Francis by his Majesty for an invention, which has +saved since its discovery the lives of many hundreds, and +which may be considered as having given the original idea to +the similar inventions that have been attempted since that +time. Its utility and importance we have also seen +acknowledged and rewarded by the two leading Societies in +this country, and perhaps in Europe, viz. the Royal Humane, +and the Society of Arts. The Sovereign therefore was only +recognizing merit which had been previously established; and +the honour of knighthood, to the credit of the individual, +was conferred by his Majesty in the most liberal and +handsome manner, without any other influence being used by +Sir Francis than simply preferring the claim.” + +Thus the subject of Knighthood is to be nursed; and as the +Doctor and the Nurse are generally to be recognized +together, no one can read this part of the Memoir without +exclaiming—Well done, Nussey. But why not Gazetted, after +this liberal and hand-some manner of being rewarded? or why +an allusion to two surreptitious presentations, the names of +which two persons, so pointedly omitted, cannot well be +misunderstood? This is but doing things by halves, though no +such an observation can be applied to the proceedings of +Charlotte-house, where Cooper, Munro, and Co. (being well +explained) means two or three persons, viz. a black, a white +man, and a mahogany-coloured Knight—a barber by trade, and +a skinner by company—a dealer in mercurials—a puff by +practice and an advertiser well versed in all the arts of +his prototype—a practitioner in panygyric—the puff direct— +the puff preliminary—the puff collateral—the puff +collusive—and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. +Whether this will apply to Sir Charles Althis or not, is +perhaps not so easy to ascertain; but as birds of a feather +like to flock together, so these medical Knights in +misfortune deserve to be noticed in the same column, +although the one is said to be a Shaver, and the other a +Quaker. It seems they have both been moved by the same +spirit, and both follow (a good way off) the profession of +medicine. + +Among the various improvements of these improving times, for +we are still improving, notwithstanding complaint, a learned +little Devil, inflated with gas, has suggested a plan for +the establishment of a Medical Assurance-office, where +person and property might be insured at so much per annum, +and the advantages to be derived from such an Institution +would be, that instead of the insurance increasing with +years, it would grow less and less. How many thousand +grateful patients would it relieve annually! but we fear it +would be a daily source of sorrow to these knightly +medicals, and would by them be considered a devilish hard +case. +</div> +<p> +But hush, here is other company, and I will give you an account of him as +we go along.” + </p> +<p> +They now attended the Keeper, who explained the age, height, weight, +species, size, power, and propensities of the animal, and then departed on +their road towards Temple Bar,—on passing through which, they were +overtaken again by Sir Francis, in a gig drawn by a dun-coloured horse, +with his puppy between his legs, and a servant by his side, and +immediately renewed the previous conversation. +</p> +<p> +“There he goes again,” said Sparkle, “and a rare fellow he is too.” + </p> +<p> +“I should think so,” said Bob; “he must have quacked to some good purpose, +to obtain the honour of knighthood.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[108]</span>"Not positively that,” continued +Sparkle; “for to obtain and to deserve are not synonymous, and, if report +say true, there is not much honour attached to his obtaining it. +</p> +<p> +“——In the modesty of fearful duty, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +I read as much as from the rattling tongue +Of saucy and audacious eloquence: +Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity, +At least speak most to my capacity.” + </div> +<p> +And, according to my humble conception, he who talks much about himself, +or pays others to talk or write about him, is generally most likely to be +least deserving of public patronage; for if a man possesses real and +evident abilities in any line of profession, the public will not be long +in making a discovery of its existence, and the bounty, as is most usually +the case, would quickly follow upon the heels of approbation. But many a +meritorious man in the Metropolis is pining away his miserable existence, +too proud to beg, and too honest to steal, while others, with scarcely +more brains than a sparrow, by persevering in a determination to leave no +stone unturned to make themselves appear ridiculous, as a first step to +popularity; and having once excited attention, even though it is merely to +be laughed at by the thinking part of mankind, he finds it no great +difficulty to draw the money out of their pockets while their eyes are +riveted on a contemplation of his person or conduct. And there are not +wanting instances of effrontery that have elevated men of little or no +capacity to dignified situations. If report say true, the present +Secretary of the Admiralty, who is admirable for his poetry also, was +originally a hair-dresser, residing somewhere in Blackfriar's or +Westminster-road; but then you must recollect he was a man who knew it was +useless to lose a single opportunity; and probably such has been the case +with Sir Daniel Harlequin, who, from keeping a small shop in Wapping, +making a blaze upon the water about his Life-preserver, marrying a wife +with a red face and a full pocket, retired to a small cottage at Mile End, +and afterwards establishing a Medical Board, has got himself dubbed a +Knight. To be sure he has had a deal of puffing and blowing work to get +through in his progress, which probably accounts for his black looks, not +a little increased by the quantity of powder he wears. But what have we +here?” finding the bustle of the streets considerably increased after +passing Temple Bar. +</p> +<p> +“Some political Bookseller or other, in all probability,” said Tom—“I'll +step forward and see.” And in passing through the numerous body of persons +that crowded on every side, the whole party was separated. Bob, who had +hung a little back while his two friends rushed forward, was lingering +near the corner of the Temple: he was beckoned by a man across the way, to +whom he immediately went. +</p> +<p> +“Do you happen to want a piece of fine India silk handkerchiefs, Sir? I +have some in my pocket that I can recommend and sell cheap—for money +must be had; but only keep it to yourself, because they are smuggled +goods, of the best quality and richest pattern.” During this opening +speech, he was endeavouring to draw Tallyho under the archway of +Bell-yard, when Sparkle espying him, ran across to him, and taking him by +the arm—“Come along (said he;) and if you don't take yourself off +instantly, I'll put you in custody,” shaking his stick at the other. +</p> +<p> +All this was like Hebrew to Bob, who, for his part, really conceived the +poor fellow, as he termed him, might be in want of money, and compelled to +dispose of his article for subsistence. +</p> +<p> +“Ha, ha, ha,” cried Sparkle, “I see you know nothing about them: these are +the locusts of the town.” At this moment they were joined by the Hon. Tom +Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“Egad!” continued Sparkle, “I just saved your Cousin from being trepanned, +and sent for a soldier.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho appeared all amazement. +</p> +<p> +“What,” cried Tom, “in the wars of Venus then, I suppose I know he has a +fancy for astronomy, and probably he was desirous of taking a peep into +Shire-lane, where he might easily find the Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars.” + </p> +<p> +“Ha! ha! ha!” replied Sparkle, “not exactly so; but I rescued him from the +hands of a Buffer,{1} who would +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Buffers miscalled Duffers—Persons who adopt a species of +swindling which is rather difficult of detection, though it +is daily practised in London. The term Buffer takes its +derivation from a custom which at one time prevailed of +carrying Bandanas, sarsnets, French stockings, and silk of +various kinds, next the shirts of the sellers; so that upon +making a sale, they were obliged to undress in order to come +at the goods, or in other words, to strip to the skin, or +buff it; by which means they obtained the title of Buffers. +This trade (if it may be so termed) is carried on in a +genteel manner. The parties go about from house to house, +and attend public-houses, inns, and fairs, pretending to +sell smuggled goods, such as those already mentioned; and by +offering their goods for sale, they are enabled by practice +to discover the proper objects for their arts. + +Buffers, or Duffers, who are not rogues in the strict sense +of the word, only offer to sell their goods to the best +advantage, and by this means evade the detection of the +police, but are equally subversive or destructive of common +honesty under a cloak or disguise; for if they can persuade +any person that the article offered is actually better or +cheaper than any other person's, they are doing no more than +every tradesman does; but then as they pay no rent or taxes +to the State, the principal objection to them lies in the +mode of operation, and an overstrained recommendation of +their goods, which are always, according to their account, +of the most superior quality; and they have a peculiar +facility of discovering the novice or the silly, to whom +walking up with a serious countenance and interesting air, +they broach the pleasing intelligence, that they have on +sale an excellent article well worth their attention, giving +a caution at the same time, that honour and secrecy must be +implicitly observed, or it may lead to unpleasantness to +both parties. By these means persons from the country are +frequently enticed into public-houses to look at their +goods; and if they do not succeed in one way, they are +almost sure in another, by having an accomplice, who will +not fail to praise the articles for sale, and propose some +gambling scheme, by which the party is plundered of his +money by passing forged Bank-notes, base silver or copper, +in the course of their dealings. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[110]</span>doubtless have fleeced him in good +style, if he could only have induced him to attend to his story.” + </p> +<p> +“The mob you see collected there,” said the Hon. Tom Dashalll, “is +attracted by two circumstances—Money's new Coronation Crop, just +lanched—and a broken image of a Highlander, at the door of a +snuff-shop; each of them truly important and interesting of course, the +elevation of one man, and the destruction of another. The poor Scotchman +seems dreadfully bruised, and I suppose is now under the Doctor's hands, +for he has two or three plasters on his face.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “he has been out on a spree,{1} had a bit of a +turn-up, and been knock'd down.” + </p> +<p> +Upon hearing this conversation, Tallyho could not help inquiring into the +particulars. +</p> +<p> +“Why the facts are simply as follows,” continued +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Spree—A bit of fun, or a frolicsome lark. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[111]</span>Sparkle—“in London, as you +perceive, tradesmen are in the habit of exhibiting signs of the business +or profession in which they are engaged. The Pawnbroker decorates his door +with three gold balls—the Barber, in some places, (though it is a +practice almost out of date) hangs out a long pole—the Gold-beater, +an arm with a hammer in the act of striking—the Chemist, a head of +Glauber, or Esculapius—the Tobacconist, a roll of tobacco, and of +late it has become customary for these venders of pulverised atoms called +snuff, to station a wooden figure of a Highlander, in the act of taking a +pinch of Hardham's, or High-dried, as a sort of inviting introduction to +their counters; and a few nights back, a Scotchman, returning from his +enjoyments at a neighbouring tavern, stopped to have a little friendly +chat with this gentleman's Highlander, and by some means or other, I +suppose, a quarrel ensued, upon which the animated young Scotchman took +advantage of his countryman—floored him, broke both his arms, and +otherwise did him considerable bodily injury, the effects of which are +still visible; and Johnny Bull, who is fond of a little gape-seed, is +endeavouring to console him under his sufferings.” + </p> +<p> +“Very kind of him, indeed,” replied Bob. +</p> +<p> +“At any rate,” said Tom, “the Tobacconist will have occasion to be +grateful to the Highlander{1} for some portion of his popularity.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It is matter of astonishment to some, but not less true, +that many tradesmen in the Metropolis have to ascribe both +fame and fortune to adventitious circumstances. It is said +that Hardham, of Fleet Street, had to thank the celebrated +Comedian, Foote, who, in one of his popular characters, +introducing his snuffbox, offered a pinch to the person he +was in conversation with on the stage, who spoke well of it, +and inquired where he obtained it?—“Why, at Hardham's, to +be sure.” And to this apparently trifling circumstance, +Hardham was indebted for his fortune. + +The importance of a Highlander to a snuff-shop will appear +by a perusal of the following fact:— + +A very respectable young man, a Clerk in the office of an +eminent Solicitor, was recently brought before Mr. Alderman +Atkins, upon the charge of being disorderly. The prisoner, +it seemed, on his return home from a social party, where he +had been sacrificing rather too freely to the jolly god, was +struck with the appearance of a showy wooden figure of a +Highlander, at the door of Mr. Micklan's snuff-shop, No. 12, +Fleet Street. The young Attorney, who is himself a +Scotchman, must needs claim acquaintance with his +countryman. He chucked him familiarly under the chin, called +him a very pretty fellow, and, in the vehemence of his +affection, embraced him with so much violence, as to force +him from his station. Mr. Micklan ran to the assistance of +his servant, and in the scuffle the unfortunate Highlander +had both his arms dislocated, the frill that adorned his +neck damaged, besides other personal injuries, which his +living countryman not being in the humour to atone for, Mr. +Micklau gave him in charge to the watchman. Before the +Magistrate in the morning, the young man appeared heartily +sick of his folly, and perfectly willing to make every +reparation, but complained of the excessive demand, which he +stated to be no less than thirteen guineas. Mr. Micklan +produced the remains of the unfortunate Highlander, who +excited a compound fracture of both arms, with a mutilation +of three or four fingers, and such other bodily wounds, as +to render his perfect recovery, so as to resume his +functions at Mr. Micklan's door, altogether hopeless. The +Highlander, the complainant stated, cost him thirteen +guineas, and was entirely new. The sum might seem large for +the young gentleman to pay for such a frolic, but it would +not compensate him for the injury he should sustain by the +absence of the figure; for, however strange it might appear, +he did not hesitate to say, that without it he should not +have more than half his business. Since he had stationed it +at his door, he had taken on an average thirty shillings a +day more than he had done previous to exhibiting his +attractions. + +There being no proof of a breach of the peace, Mr. Alderman +Atkins advised the gentleman to settle the matter upon the +best terms he could. They withdrew together, and on their +return the complainant reported that the gentleman had +agreed to take the figure, and furnish him with a new one. + +Mr. Alderman Atkins, in discharging the prisoner, +recommended to him to get the figure repaired, and make a +niche for him in his office, where, by using it as a proper +memorial, it would probably save him more than it cost him. + +The broken figure has since been exhibited in his old +station, and excited considerable notice; but we apprehend +he is not yet able to afford all the attractions of his +occupation, for he has formerly been seen inviting his +friends to a pinch of snuff gratis, by holding a box +actually containing that recreating powder in his hand, in +the most obliging and condescending manner—a mark of +politeness and good breeding well worthy of respectful +attention. +</div> +<p> +“Come,” said Sparkle, “we are now in one of the principal thoroughfares of +the Metropolis, Fleet Street, of which you have already heard much, and is +at all times thronged with multitudes of active and industrious persons, +in pursuit of their various avocations, like a hive of bees, and keeping +up, like them, a ceaseless hum. Nor is it less a scene of Real Life worth +viewing, than the more refined haunts of the noble, the rich, and the +great, many of whom leave their splendid habitations in the West in the +morning, to attend the money-getting, <span class="pagenum">[113]</span>commercial +men of the City, and transact their business.—The dashing young +spendthrift, to borrow at any interest; and the more prudent, to buy or to +sell. The plodding tradesman, the ingenious mechanic, are exhausting their +time in endeavours to realize property, perhaps to be left for the benefit +of a Son, who as ardently sets about, after his Father's decease, to get +rid of it—nay, perhaps, pants for an opportunity of doing this +before he can take possession; for the young Citizen, having lived just +long enough to conceive himself superior to his father, in violation of +filial duty and natural authority, affects an aversion to every thing that +is not novel, expensive, and singular. He is a lad of high spirit; he +calls the city a poor dull prison, in which he cannot bear to be confined; +and though he may not intend to mount his nag, stiffens his cravat, +whistles a sonata, to which his whip applied to the boot forms an +accompaniment; while his spurs wage war with the flounces of a +fashionably-dressed belle, or come occasionally in painful contact with +the full-stretched stockings of a gouty old gentleman; by all which he +fancies he is keeping” up the dignity and importance of his character. He +does not slip the white kid glove from his hand without convincing the +spectator that; his hand is the whiter skin; nor twist his fingers for the +introduction of a pinch of Maccaba, without displaying to the best +advantage his beautifully chased ring and elegantly painted snuff-box lid; +nor can the hour of the day be ascertained without discovering his +engine-turned repeater, and hearing its fascinating music: then the +fanciful chain, the precious stones in golden robes, and last of all, the +family pride described in true heraldic taste and naïveté. Of Peter +Pindar's opinion, that +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Care to our coffin adds a nail, +But every grin so merry draws one out,” + </div> +<p> +he thinks it an admirable piece of politeness and true breeding to give +correct specimens of the turkey or the goose in the serious scenes of a +dramatic representation, or while witnessing her Ladyship's confusion in a +crowd of carriages combating for precedence in order to obtain an early +appearance at Court. Reading he considers quite a bore, but attends the +reading-room, which he enters, not to know what is worth reading and add a +little knowledge to his slender stock from the labours and experience of +<span class="pagenum">[114]</span>men of letters—no, but to quiz the +cognoscenti, and throw the incense over its learned atmosphere from his +strongly perfumed cambric handkerchief, which also implies what is most in +use for the indulgence of one of the five senses. When he enters a +coffee-room, it is not for the purpose of meeting an old friend, and to +enjoy with him a little rational conversation over his viands, but to ask +for every newspaper, and throw them aside without looking at them—to +call the Waiter loudly by his name, and shew his authority—to +contradict an unknown speaker who is in debate with others, and declare, +upon the honour of a gentleman and the veracity of a scholar, that Pope +never understood Greek, nor translated Homer with tolerable justice. He +considers it a high privilege to meet a celebrated pugilist at an +appointed place, to floor him for a quid,{1} a fall, and a high delight to +talk of it afterwards for the edification of his friends—to pick up +a Cyprian at mid-day—to stare modest women out of countenance—to +bluster at a hackney-coachman—or to upset a waterman in the river, +in order to gain the fame of a Leander, and prove himself a Hero. +</p> +<p> +“He rejects all his father's proposed arrangements for his domestic +comforts and matrimonial alliance. He wanders in his own capricious fancy, +like a fly in summer, over the fields of feminine beauty and loveliness; +yet he declares there is so much versatility and instability about the +fair sex, that they are unworthy his professions of regard; and, perhaps, +in his whole composition, there is nothing deserving of serious notice but +his good-nature. Thus you have a short sketch of a young Citizen.” + </p> +<p> +“Upon my word, friend Sparkle, you are an admirable delineator of +Society,” said Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“My drawings are made from nature,” continued Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +“Aye, and very naturally executed too,” replied Tom. Having kept walking +on towards St. Paul's, they were by this time near the end of Shoe Lane, +at the corner of which sat an elderly woman with a basket of mackerel for +sale; and as they approached they saw several persons rush from thence +into the main street in evident alarm. +</p> +<p> +“Come up, d——n your eyes,” said an ill-favoured fellow with an +immense cudgel in his fist, driving an ass laden +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Quid—A. Guinea. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[115]</span>with brick-dust, with which he was +belabouring him most unmercifully. The poor beast, with an endeavour to +escape if possible the cudgelling which awaited him, made a sudden turn +round the post, rubbing his side against it as he went along, and thereby +relieving himself of his load, which he safely deposited, with a cloud of +brick-dust that almost blinded the old woman and those who were near her, +in the basket of fish. Neddy then made the best of his way towards +Fleet-market, and an over-drove bullock, which had terrified many persons, +issued almost at the same moment from Shoe Lane, and took the direction +for Temple-bar. The whistling, the hooting, the hallooing, and the running +of the drovers in pursuit—men, women, and children, scampering to +get out of the way of the infuriated beast—the noise and rattling of +carriages, the lamentations of the poor fish-fag, and the vociferations of +the donkey-driver to recover his neddy—together with a combination +of undistinguishable sounds from a variety of voices, crying their +articles for sale, or announcing their several occupations—formed a +contrast of characters, situations, and circumstances, not easily to be +described. Here, a poor half-starved and almost frightened-to-death brat +of a Chimney-sweeper, in haste to escape, had run against a lady whose +garments were as white as snow—there, a Barber had run against a +Parson, and falling along with him, had dropped a pot of pomatum from his +apron-pocket on the reverend gentleman's eye, and left a mark in perfect +unison with the colour of his garments before the disaster, but which were +now of a piebald nature, neither black nor white. A barrow of nuts, +overturned in one place, afforded fine amusement for the scrambling boys +and girls—a Jew old clothes-man swore upon his conscience he had +losht the pest pargain vhat he ever had offered to him in all his +lifetime, by dem tam'd bears of bull-drivers—a Sailor called him a +gallows <i>half-hung ould crimp</i>,{1} d——d his +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Crimp—Kidnappers, Trappers, or Procurers of men for the +Merchant Service; and the East-India company contract with +them for a supply of sailors to navigate their ships out and +home. These are for the most part Jews, who have made +advances to the sailors of money, clothes, victuals, and +lodgings, generally to a very small amount, taking care to +charge an enormous price for every article. The poor +fellows, by these means, are placed under a sort of +espionage, if not close confinement, till the ship is ready +to receive them; and then they are conducted on board at +Gravesend by the Crimp and his assistants, and a receipt +taken for them. + +In this process there is nothing very reprehensible—the men +want births, and have no money—the Crimp keeps a lodging- +house, and wishes to be certain of his man: he therefore +takes him into the house, and after a very small supply of +cash, the grand do, is to persuade him to buy watches, +buckles, hats, and jackets, to be paid for on his receiving +his advance previous to sailing. By this means and the +introduction of grog, the most barefaced and unblushing +robberies have been committed. + +With the same view of fleecing the unwary poor fellows, who + +“... at sea earn their money like horses, +To squander it idly like asses on shore,” + +they watch their arrival after the voyage, and advance small +sums of money upon their tickets, or perhaps buy them out +and out, getting rid at the same time of watches, jewellery, +and such stuff, at more than treble their real value. Not +only is this the case in London, but at all the out-ports it +is practised to a very great extent, particularly in war +time. + +Happy would it be for poor Jack were this all; he is some- +times brought in indebted to the Crimp to a large nominal +amount, by what is called a long-shore attorney, or more +appropriately, a black shark, and thrown into jail!!! There +he lies until his body is wanted, and then the incarcerator +négociâtes with him for his liberty, to be permitted to +enter on board again. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[116]</span>eyes if he was not glad of it, and, with +a sling of his arm, deposited an enormous quid he had in his mouth +directly in the chaps of the Israelite, then joined the throng in pursuit; +while the Jew, endeavouring to call Stop thief, took more of the +second-hand quid than agreed with the delicacy of his stomach, and +commenced a vomit, ejaculating with woful lamentations, that he had lost +his bag mit all his propertish. +</p> +<p> +The old mackarel-woman, seeing her fish covered with brick-dust, set off +in pursuit of the limping donkey-driver, and catching him by the neck, +swore he should pay her for the fish, and brought him back to the scene of +action; but, in the mean time, the Street-keeper had seized and carried +off the basket with all its contents—misfortune upon misfortune! +</p> +<p> +“D——n your ass, and you too,” said the Fish-woman, “if you +doesn't pay me for my fish, I'll <i>quod</i>{1} you—that there's all +vat I ar got to say.” + </p> +<p> +“Here's a bit of b——dy gammon—don't you see as how I am +lost both my ass and his cargo, and if you von't leave +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Quod—A Jail—to quod a person is to send him to jail. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[117]</span>me alone, and give me my bags again, +I'll sarve you out—there now, that's all—bl——st +me! fair play's a jewel—let go my hair, and don't kick up no rows +about it—see vhat a mob you're a making here—can't you sell +your mackarel ready sauced, and let me go ater Neddy?” + </p> +<p> +“Vhat, you thinks you are a <i>flat-catching</i>,{1} do you, Limping Billy—but +eh, who has run away with my basket offish?” + </p> +<p> +“Ha, ha, ha,” cried Limping Billy, bursting into a horse-laugh at the +additional distress of the old woman, in which he was joined by many of +the surrounding spectators; and which so enraged her, that she let go her +hold, and bursting through the crowd with an irresistible strength, +increased almost to the fury of madness by her additional loss, she ran +some paces distance in search of, not only her stock in trade, but her +shop, shop-board, and working-tools; while the donkey-driver boisterously +vociferated after her—“Here they are six a shilling, live mackarel +O.” + </p> +<p> +This taunt of the brick-dust merchant was too much to be borne, and +brought her back again with a determination to chastise him, which she did +in a summary way, by knocking him backwards into the kennel. Billy was not +pleased at this unexpected salute, called her a drunken ——, +and endeavoured to get out of her way—“for,” said he, “I know she is +a b——dy rum customer when she gets lushy."{2} At this moment, +a sturdy youth, about sixteen or seventeen years of age, was seen at a +short distance riding the runaway-ass back again. Billy perceiving this, +became a little more reconciled to his rough usage—swore he never +would strike a voman, so help him G——d, for that he was a man +every inch of him; and as for Mother Mapps, he'd be d——nd-if +he vouldn't treat her with all the pleasure of life; and now he had got +his own ass, he vould go along with her for to find her mackarel. Then +shaking a cloud of brick-dust from the dry parts of his apparel, with +sundry portions of mud from those parts which had most easily reached the +kennel, he took the bridle of his donkey, and bidding her come along, they +toddled{3} together to a gin-shop in Shoe Lane. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Flat-catching—Is an expression of very common use, and +seems almost to explain itself, being the act of taking +advantage of any person who appears ignorant and +unsuspicious. + +2 Lushy—Drunk. + +3 Toddle—To toddle is to walk slowly, either from +infirmity or choice—“Come, let us toddle,” is a very +familiar phrase, signifying let us be going. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[118]</span>Desirous of seeing an end to this bit of +gig—“Come along,” said Sparkle, “they'll all be in prime twig +presently, and we shall have some fun. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“I'm the boy for a bit of a bobbery, +Nabbing a lantern, or milling a pane; +A jolly good lark is not murder or robbery, +Let us be ready and nimble.” + </div> +<p> +Hark, (said he) there's a fiddle-scraper in the house—here goes;” + and immediately they entered. +</p> +<p> +They had no occasion to repent of their movements; for in one corner of +the tap-room sat Billy Waters, a well-known character about town, a Black +Man with a wooden leg was fiddling to a Slaughterman from Fleet-market, in +wooden shoes, who, deck'd with all the paraphernalia of his occupation, a +greasy jacket and night-cap, an apron besmeared with mud, blood, and +grease, nearly an inch thick, and a leathern girdle, from which was +suspended a case to hold his knives, and his sleeves tuck'd up as if he +had but just left the slaughter-house, was dancing in the centre to the +infinite amusement of the company, which consisted of an old woman with +periwinkles and crabs for sale in a basket—a porter with his knot +upon the table—a dustman with his broad-flapped hat, and his bell by +his side—an Irish hodman—and two poor girls, who appeared to +be greatly taken with the black fiddler, whose head was decorated with an +oil-skinned cock'd hat, and a profusion of many coloured feathers: on the +other side of the room sat a young man of shabby-genteel appearance, +reading the newspaper with close attention, and purring forth volumes of +smoke. Limping Billy and Mother Mapps were immediately known, and room was +made for their accommodation, while the fiddler's elbow and the +slaughterman's wooden shoes were kept in motion. +</p> +<p> +<i>Max</i>{l} was the order of the day, and the <i>sluicery</i>{2} in good +request. Mother Mapps was made easy by being informed the Street-keeper +had her valuables in charge, which Limping Billy promised he would redeem. +“Bring us a +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Max—A very common term for gin. + +2 Sluicery—A gin-shop or public-house: so denominated from +the lower orders of society sluicing their throats as it +were with gin, and probably derived from the old song +entitled “The Christening of Little Joey,” formerly sung +by Jemmy Dodd, of facetious memory. + +“And when they had sluiced their gobs +With striving to excel wit, +The lads began to hang their nobs,* +</div> +<hr> +<div class='pre'> +* Nobs—Heads. + +** Frows—Originally a Dutch word, meaning wives, or girls. + +*** Velvet—The tongue. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[119]</span>noggin of <i>white tape</i>,{1} and fill +me a pipe,” said he—“d——n my eyes, I knowed as how it +vou'd be all right enough, I never gets in no rows whatever without +getting myself out again—come, <i>ould chap,{2} vet your vistle, and +tip it us rum—go it my kiddy, that are's just vat I likes</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“Vat's the reason I an't to have a pipe?” said Mother Mapps. +</p> +<p> +“Lord bless your heart,” said the Donkey-driver, “if I did'nt forget you, +never trust me—here, Landlord, a pipe for this here Lady.” + </p> +<p> +“Which way did the bull run?” said the Irishman. +</p> +<p> +“Bl——st me if I know,” replied Limping Billy, “for I was a +looking out for my own ass—let's have the Sprig of Shelalah, <i>ould +Blackymoor</i>—come, tune up.” + </p> +<p> +The old woman being supplied with a pipe, and the fiddler having rosined +his nerves with a glass of <i>blue ruin</i>{3} to it they went, some +singing, some whistling, and others drumming with their hands upon the +table; while Tom, Bob, and Sparkle, taking a seat at the other side of the +room, ordered a glass of brandy and water each, and enjoyed the merriment +of the scene before them, perhaps more than those actually engaged in it. +Bob was alive to every movement and every character, for it was new, and +truly interesting: and kept growing more so, for in a few minutes Limping +Billy and Mother Mapps joined the Slaughterman in the dance, when nothing +could be more grotesque and amusing. Their pipes in their mouths—clapping +of hands and snapping of fingers, formed a curious accompaniment to the +squeaking of the fiddle—the broad grin of the Dustman, and the +preposterous laugh of the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 White Tape—Also a common term for gin, particularly among +the Ladies. + +2 Ould Chap, or Ould Boy—Familiar terms of address among +flash lads, being a sort of contraction of old acquaintance, +or old friend. + +3 Blue Ruin—Gin. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[120]</span>Irishman at the reelers in the centre, +heightened the picture—more gin—more music, and more tobacco, +soon ad a visible effect upon the party, and reeling became unavoidable. +The young man reading the paper, found it impossible to understand what he +was perusing, and having finished his pipe and his pint, made his exit, +appearing to have no relish for the entertainment, and perhaps heartily +cursing both the cause and the effect. Still, however, the party was not +reduced in number, for as one went out another came in. +</p> +<p> +This new customer was a young-looking man, bearing a large board on a high +pole, announcing the residence of a Bug-destroyer in the Strand. His +appearance was grotesque in the extreme, and could only be equalled by the +eccentricities of his manners and conversation. He was dressed in a brown +coat, close buttoned, over which he had a red camlet or stuff surtout, +apparently the off-cast of some theatrical performer, but with a +determination to appear fashionable; for +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Folks might as well be dead—nay buried too, +As not to dress and act as others do.” + </div> +<p> +He wore mustachios, a pair of green spectacles, and his whole figure was +surmounted with a fur-cap. Taking a seat directly opposite our party at +the same table—“Bring me a pint,” said he; and then deliberately +searching his pockets, he produced a short pipe and some tobacco, with +which he filled it—“You see,” said he, “I am obliged to smoke +according to the Doctor's orders, for an asthma—so I always smokes +three pipes a day, that's my allowance; but I can eat more than any man in +the room, and can dance, sing, and act—nothing conies amiss to me, +all the players takes their characters from me.” + </p> +<p> +After this introduction—“You are a clever fellow, I'll be bound for +it,” said Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“O yes, I acts Richard the Third sometimes—sometimes Macbeth and Tom +Thumb. I have played before Mr. Kean: then I acted Richard the Third—'Give +me a horse! '—(starting into the middle of the room)—'no, +stop, not so—let me see, let me see, how is it?—ah, this is +the way—Give me a horse—Oh! Oh! Oh!—then you know I +dies.”—And down he fell on the floor, which created a general roar +of laughter; while Billy Waters <span class="pagenum">[121]</span>struck +up, “See the conquering Hero conies!” to the inexpressible delight of all +around him—their feet and hands all going at the same time. +</p> +<p> +Mother Mapps dropp'd her pipe, and d——d the weed, it made her +sick, she said. +</p> +<p> +Limping Billy was also evidently in <i>queer-street</i>. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Sparkle, “won't you have a drop more?” + </p> +<p> +“Thank ye, Sir,” was the reply; and Sparkle, intent upon having his gig +out, ordered a fresh supply, which soon revived the fallen hero of +Bosworth-field, and Richard was himself again. +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said he, “I'll sing you a song,” and immediately commenced as +follows:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“My name's Hookey Walker, I'm known very well, +In acting and eating I others excel; +The player-folks all take their patterns from me, +And a nice pattern too!—Don't you see? don't you see? +Oh! [<i>glancing at his fingers</i>] It will do—it will do. + +At Chippenham born, I was left quite forlorn, +When my father was dead and my mother was gone; +So I came up to London, a nice little he, +And a nice pattern too!—Don't you see? don't you see? +Oh! it will do—it will do. + +A courting I went to a girl in our court, +She laugh'd at my figure, and made me her sport; +I was cut to the soul,—so said I on my knee, +I'm a victim of love!—Don't you see? don't you see? +Oh! it won't do—it won't do. + +Now all day I march to and fro in the street, +And a candle sometimes on my journey I eat; +So I'll set you a pattern, if you'll but agree, +And a nice pattern too! you shall see—you shall see. +Oh! it will do—it will do.” + </div> +<p> +This Song, which he declared was all <i>made out of his own head</i>, was +sung with grotesque action and ridiculous grimace, intended no doubt in +imitation of Mr. Wilkinson in his inimitable performance of this strange +piece of whimsicality. The dancing party was knock'd up and were lobbing +their <i>lollys</i>,{1} half asleep and half awake, on the table, bowing +as it were to the magnanimous influence +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Lobbing their lollys—Laying their heads. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[122]</span>of <i>Old Tom</i>.{1} The Dustman and +the Irishman laugh'd heartily; and Das hall, Tallyho, and Sparkle, could +not resist the impulse to risibility when they contemplated the group +before them. The Bug-destroyer <i>munched</i>{2} a candle and <i>sluiced</i>{3} +his greasy <i>chops</i>{4} with <i>Jacky</i>{5} almost as fast as they +could supply him with it, when Sparkle perceiving the boy was still at the +door with the runaway ass, +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said he, “we'll start 'em off home in high style—here, you +Mr. Bugman, can you ride?” + </p> +<p> +“Ride, aye to be sure I can, any of Mr. Astley's horses as well as the +Champion of England,"{6} was the reply. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Old Tom—It is customary in public-houses and gin-shops +in London and its vicinity to exhibit a cask inscribed with +large letters—OLD TOM, intended to indicate the best gin in +the house. + +2 Munched—Eat. + +3 Sluiced—Washed. See Sluicery. + +4 Chops—The mouth. + +5 Jacky—A vulgar term for gin. + +6 Any person would almost suspect that Hookey had been +reading the newspapers by this allusion; but that certainly +could not be the case, for, spurning all education in early +life, this representative of the immortal bard—this +character of characters from Shakespeare, could neither read +nor write, but made all he acted, as he said, from his own +head: however, it may fairly be presumed, that in the course +of his travels during the day he had heard something of the +Champion intended to appear at the approaching Coronation, +of whom the following account has recently been circulated +through the daily press, and, with his usual consistency, +conceived his own innate abilities equal to those which +might be acquired by Mr. Dymocke, though his claims were not +equally honourable or advantageous. + +Mr. Dymocke, the nephew of the gentleman (who is a +Clergyman) entitled by hereditary right to do the service of +the Champion to his Majesty, is still in hopes he may be +permitted to act under his Uncle's nomination, although he +wants a few months of being of age. A petition is before the +King on the subject; and Mr. Dymocke, by constant practice +at Astley's Hiding-school, is endeavouring to qualify +himself for the due fulfilment of the office. On Thursday +lie went through his exercise in a heavy suit of armour with +great celerity. The horse which will be rode by the Champion +has been selected from Mr. Astley's troop. It is a fine +animal, pieballed black and white, and is regularly +exercised in the part he will have to perform. +</div> +<p> +“Walk in—walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, just going to begin—come, +Mr. Merryman, all ready—Ladies and Gentlemen, please to observe, +this here horse is not that there horse.” + </p> +<p> +“So we laugh at John Bull a little.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[123]</span>"Come, then,” continued Sparkle, +“another glass—half-a-crown to ride to the bottom of the lane and up +Holboru-hill on that donkey at the door, and you shall be our Champion.” + </p> +<p> +“A bargain—a bargain,” said the assumed Hookey Walker, rubbing the +tallow from his <i>gills</i>.{1} +</p> +<p> +“Here goes then,” said Sparkle; then slipping half-a-crown into the boy's +hand, desiring him to run as far as the Traveller-office, in Fleet-street, +and get him a newspaper, promising to take care of his ass till his +return. The lad nibbled the bait, and was off in a <i>pig's whisper</i>{2} +Sparkle called to Tom and Bob, and putting them up to his scheme, Hookey +was quickly mounted, while Dashall and his Cousin, assisted by the +Hibernian and Dust-ho, succeeded in getting Mother Mapps out, who was +placed in the front of the Champion, astride, with her face towards him +and Limping Billy, who though <i>beat to a stand still</i>,{3} was after +some difficulty lifted up behind. Hookey was then supplied with his board, +the pole of which he placed on his foot, in the manner of a spear or +lance. Then giving the Irishman and the Dustman some silver, to act as +Supporters or Esquires, one on each side, they proceeded along Shoe-lane, +preceded by Billy Waters flourishing his wooden-leg and feathers, and +fiddling as he went—the Irishman roaring out with Stentorian lungs, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Sure won't you hear +What roaring cheer +Was spread at Paddy's wedding O, +And how so gay +They spent the day, +From the churching to the bedding O. +First book in hand came Father Quipes, +With the Bride's dadda, the Bailey O, +While all the way to church the pipes +Struck up a jilt so gaily O. +</div> +<p> +“<i>Kim ap</i>—be after sitting fast in the front there, old Mapps, +or you'll make a mud-lark of yourself.” The Dustman rang his bell; and +thus accompanied with an immense assemblage of boys, girls, men, women, +and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Gills—The mouth. + +2 Pig's Whisper—A very common term for speed. + +3 Beat to a dead stand still—Means completely unable to +assist himself. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[124]</span>children, collected from all the courts +and alleys in the neighbourhood, joining in a chorus of shouts that rent +the air, poor Balaam continued to bear his load; while our party, after +watching them till nearly out of sight, passed down Harp-alley into +Fleet-market,” and turning to the right, very soon regained Fleet-Street, +laughing heartily at the bull's cookery of mackarel buttered with +brick-dust, and very well satisfied with their spree. +</p> +<p> +Engaged in conversation upon this adventure, they found nothing of +interest' or amusement to attract their notice till they arrived at the +warehouse of the London Genuine Tea Company, except merely remarking the +grand appearance of St. Paul's, from that situation. +</p> +<p> +“Genuine tea” said Bob; “what can that mean—Is tea any thing but +tea?” + </p> +<p> +“To be sure it is,” said Sparkle, “or has been—<i>any</i>thing but +tea,"{l} strongly marking the latter part of the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Tea and Coffee—The adulteration of articles of human food +is a practice of the most nefarious description, and cannot +be too strongly deprecated, although it has been carried to +an alarming extent. There is scarcely an article of ordinary +consumption but has been unlawfully adulterated, and in many +cases rendered injurious by the infamous and fraudulent +practice of interested persons. Bread, which is considered +to be the staff of life, and beer and ale the universal +beverage of the people of this country, are known to be +frequently mixed with drugs of the most pernicious quality. +Gin, that favourite and heart-inspiring cordial of the lower +orders of society, that it may have the grip, or the +appearance of being particularly strong, is frequently +adulterated with the decoction of long pepper, or a small +quantity of aqua-fortis, a deadly poison. Sugar has been +known to be mixed with sand; and tobacco, for the public- +houses, undergoes a process for making it strong and +intoxicating; but the recent discovery of the nefarious +practice of adulterating tea and coffee, articles of the +most universal and extensive consumption, deserves +particular reprehension. + +Tea has been adulterated by the introduction of dried sloe +leaves; the practice is not very new, but its extensive +adoption, and the deleterious properties ascribed to them by +physicians, have been, at length, successfully exposed by +the conviction of many of the venders, so, it is hoped, as +to prevent a repetition of the crime. The sloe leaf, though +a spurious commodity when sold as tea, might afford a +harmless vegetable infusion, and be recommended to the poor +and frugal as a cheap succedaneum for the Chinese vegetable. +The establishment of the Genuine Tea Company on Ludgate-hill +originated in the recent discoveries, promising to sell +nothing but the Unadulterated Tea, and it is sincerely to be +hoped has done some good. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[125]</span>sentence as he spoke it: “horse-beans +have been converted to coffee, and sloe-leaves have been transformed into +tea; hog's lard has been manufactured for butter; an ingenious gentleman +wishes to persuade us <i>Periwinkles</i>{1} are young Lobsters; and +another has proposed to extract sugar, and some say brandy, out of +pea-shells! London is the mart for inventions and discoveries of all +kinds, and every one of its inhabitants appears to have studied something +of the art of Legerdemain, to catch the eye and deceive the senses.” + </p> +<p> +“Wonderful!” exclaimed Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Not more wonderful than true,” continued Sparkle; “invention is always on +the stretch in London. Here we have cast-iron Bridges{2}—a cast-iron +Sugar-house— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Sparkle appears to have been rather sceptical on the +subject of Periwinkles being young Lobsters, though the +opinion is not very new. A gentleman, whose indefatigable +research appears to be deserving of encouragement and +support, has recently issued the following advertisement, +inviting the curious and the learned to inspect the result +of his discoveries, which seems, at least, to warrant +something more than conjecture. + +“J. Cleghorne having in his possession some specimens which +prove, in his opinion, a circumstance before suggested, but +treated by the scientific as a vulgar error, any known +naturalist willing to view them, by noticing by letter, +within a week, may have J. C. attend with his specimens. The +subject is a curious change in the formation of Lobsters +from various species of the Winkle, the Winkle being +considered the larva;. + +The only advantage J. C. desires from the communication is, +the credit of advancing his proofs, and the stimulating +further enquiry.—A line addressed to J. Cleghorne, +Architectural Engraver, No. 19, Chapman-street, Black-road, +Islington, will have immediate attention.” + +It is sincerely to be hoped that proper notice will be taken +of this advertisement, for in times of general scarcity like +the present, such a discovery might be turned to great +national advantage, by the establishment of proper depots +for the cultivation of lobsters, as we have preserves for +game, &c. + +2 Cast-iron has become an object of general utility. The +Southwark or New London Bridge consists of three arches, the +centre of which is a span of 240 feet, and the other two 210 +feet each; the Vauxhall Bridge consists of nine arches, over +a width of 809 feet; and it is a fact, that a Sugar-house is +building with cast-iron floors, window-frames, and rafters, +to prevent fire. Cast-iron holds fire and resists fire; but +it is probable that all its properties and powers are not +yet discovered, and that we may some day or other witness +the ascension of a cast-iron balloon inflated with steam! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[126]</span>coaches running, and barges, packets, +and sailing-boats navigated, by Steam{1}—St. Paul's, as you +perceive, without its ball—smoke burning itself, and money burning +men's consciences.” + </p> +<p> +“Well done, Sparkle!” cried Tom; “your ideas seem to flow like gas, touch +but the valve and off you go; and you are equally diffusive, for you throw +a light upon all subjects.” + </p> +<p> +Bob was now suddenly attracted by a full view of himself and his friends +at the further end of Everington's{2} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Steam—Here is a subject that evaporates as we approach; +it soars beyond finite comprehension, and appears to be +inexhaustible—every thing is done by it—machinery of every +kind is set in motion by it—a newspaper of the most +extensive circulation in the kingdom is printed by it, and +the paper supplied sheet by sheet to receive the impression. +Tobacco is manufactured, and sausage-meat cut, by steam— +nay, a celebrated Vender of the latter article had asserted, +that his machinery was in such a state of progressive +improvement, that he had little doubt before long of making +it supply the demands of his customers, and thereby save the +expense of a Shopman; but, it is much to be regretted, his +apparatus made sausage-meat of him before the accomplishment +of his project. + +Considering the increasing, and by some Philosophers almost +overwhelming population of the country at the present +moment, it is certainly an alarming circumstance, that when +employment is so much required, mechanical science should so +completely supersede it to the injury of thousands, +independent of the many who have lost their lives by the +blowing up of steam-engines. It is a malady however which +must be left to our political economists, who will +doubtless at the same time determine which would prove the +most effectual remedy—the recommendation of Mr. Malthus to +condemn the lower orders to celibacy—the Jack Tars to a +good war—or the Ministers to emigration. + +2 If an estimate of the wealth or poverty of the nation +were to lie formed from the appearance of the houses in the +Metropolis, no one could be induced to believe that the +latter had any existence among us. The splendour and taste +of our streets is indescribable, and the vast improvements +in the West are equally indicative of the former. + +The enormous increase of rents for Shops, particularly in +the leading thoroughfares of London, may in a great measure +be attributed to the Linen-drapers. The usual method +practised by some of these gentry, is to take a shop in the +first-rate situation, pull down the old front, and erect a +new one, regardless of expense, a good outside being +considered the first and indispensable requisite. This is +often effected, either upon credit with a builder, or, if +they have a capital of a few hundreds, it is all exhausted +in external decorations. Goods are obtained upon credit, and +customers procured by puffing advertisements, and exciting +astonishment at the splendid appearance of the front. Thus +the concern is generally carried on till the credit obtained +has expired, and the wonder and novelty of the concern has +evaporated; when the stock is <i>sold off at 30 per cent, +under prime cost for the benefit of the creditors</i>! This is +so common an occurrence, that it is scarcely possible to +walk through London any day in the year, without being +attracted by numerous Linen-drapers' shops, whose windows +are decorated with bills, indicating that they are actually +selling off under prime cost, as the premises must be +cleared in a few days. + +The most elegant Shop of this description in the Metropolis +is supposed to be one not a hundred miles from Ludgate-hill, +the front and fitting up of which alone is said to have cost +several thousand pounds. The interior is nearly all of +looking-glass, with gilt mouldings; even the ceiling is +looking-glass, from which is appended splendid cut-glass +chandeliers, which when lighted give to the whole the +brilliance of enchantment; however it is not very easy to +form an idea of what is sold, for, with the exception of a +shawl or two carelessly thrown into the window, there is +nothing to be seen, (the stock being all concealed in +drawers, cupboards, &c. ) except the decorations and the +Dandy Shopmen, who parade up and down in a state of ecstasy +at the reflection of their own pretty persons from every +part of the premises! + +This concealment of the stock has occasioned some laughable +occurrences. It is said that a gentleman from the country +accidentally passing, took it for a looking-glass +manufactory, and went in to inquire the price of a glass. +The Shopmen gathered round him with evident surprise, +assured him of his mistake, and directed him to go to +Blades,{1} lower down the Hill. The Countryman was not +disconcerted, but, after surveying them somewhat minutely, +informed them it was glass he wanted, not cutlery; but as +for blades, he thought there were enow there for one street, +at least. + +Another is said to have been so pleased with a row of +grotesque Indian-China jars, which embellish one side of the +entrance, and which he mistook for <i>pots de chambre</i>, that +after returning home and consulting his rib, he sent an +order per post for one of the most elegant pattern to be +forwarded to him! + +There is a similar Shop to this, though on a smaller scale, +to be seen in a great leading thoroughfare at the West end +of the Town; the owner of which, from his swarthy complexion +and extravagant mode of dress, has been denominated The +Black Prince, a name by which he is well known in his own +neighbourhood, and among the gentlemen of the cloth. This +dandy gentleman, who affects the dress and air of a military +officer, has the egregious vanity to boast that the numerous +families of rank and fashion who frequent his shop, are +principally attracted to view his elegant person, and seems +to consider that upon this principally depends the success +of his trade. + +1 A large Glass-manufacturer. +</div> +<p> +128—shop, and without observing the other persons about him, saw +himself surrounded with spectators, unconscious of being in their company. +He look'd up—he look'd down—he gazed around him, and all was +inconceivable light. Tom's allusion to the gas flashed upon him in a +moment—“What—what is this?” said he—“where, in the name +of wonder, am I?” A flash of lightning could not have operated more +suddenly upon him. “Why,” said Sparkle, “don't you see? +</p> +<p> +“You are not here, for you are there,” + </p> +<p> +pointing to his reflection, in the looking-glass. +</p> +<p> +“Egad,” said Bob, under evident surprise, and perhaps not without some +apprehension they were playing tricks with him—“I wish you would +explain—is this a Drawing-room, or is it the <i>Phantasmagoria</i> +we have heard so much of in the country?” + </p> +<p> +“No, no, it is not the Phantasmagoria, but it forms a part of metropolitan +magic, which you shall be better acquainted with before we part. That is +no other than a Linen-draper's shop, '<i>papered</i>,' as an Irishman one +day remarked, 'vvid nothing at all at all but looking-glass, my dear '—one +of the most superb things of the kind that perhaps ever was seen—But +come, I perceive it is getting late, let us proceed directly to Dolly's, +take our chop, then a <i>rattler</i>,{1} and hey for the Spell."{2} +</p> +<p> +Bob appeared almost to be spell-bound at the moment, and, as they moved +onward, could not help casting +</p> +<p> +“One longing, lingering look behind.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Rattler—A coach. + +2 Spell—The Play-house; so denominated from its variety of +attractions, both before and behind the curtain. +</div> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0010"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER X +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“What various swains our motley walls contain! +Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick-lane; +Bankers from Paper-buildings here resort, +Bankrupts from Golden-square and Riches-court; +From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, +Gulls from the Poultry, sots from Water-lane; +The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, +The full-price master, and the half-price clerk; +Boys, who long linger at the gallery-door, +With pence twice live, they want but twopence more, +Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, +And sends them jumping up the gallery-stairs. +Critics we boast, who ne'er their malice baulk, +But talk their minds—we wish they'd mind their talk; +Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, +Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give; +Jews from St. Mary-Axe, for jobs so wary, +That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary; +And Bucks with pockets empty as their pate, +Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait. +Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues? +Who's that calls “Silence” with such leathern lungs? +He, who, in quest of quiet, “Silence” hoots, +Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes.” + </div> +<p> +IN a few minutes they entered Dolly's, from whence, after partaking of a +cheerful repast and an exhilarating glass of wine, a coach conveyed them +to Drury-lane. ', +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “I shall introduce you to a new scene in +Real Life, well worth your close observation. We have already taken a +promiscuous ramble from the West towards the East, and it has afforded +some amusement; but our stock is abundant, and many objects of curiosity +are still in view.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes, yes,” continued Sparkle, “every day produces novelty; for although +London itself is always the same, the inhabitants assume various forms, as +inclination or necessity may induce or compel. The Charioteer of <span +class="pagenum">[130]</span>to-day, dashing along with four in hand, may +be an inhabitant of the King's-bench to-morrow, and—but here we are, +and Marino Faliero is the order of the night. The character of its author +is so well known, as to require no observation; but you will be introduced +to a great variety of other characters, both in High and Low Life, of an +interesting nature.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had alighted, and were entering the House. The rapid +succession of carriages arriving with the company, the splendour of the +equipages, the general elegance of the dresses, and the blazing of the +lamps, alternately became objects of attraction to Bob, whose eyes were +kept in constant motion—while “A Bill of the Play for Covent Garden +or Drury Lane,” still resounded in their ears. +</p> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0009"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page130.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page130 Drury Lane Theatre" +><br> +</div> +<p> +On arriving at the Box-lobby, Tom, who was well known, was immediately +shewn into the centre box with great politeness by the Box-keeper,{1} the +second scene of the Tragedy being just over. The appearance of the House +was a delicious treat to Bob, whose visual orbs wandered more among the +delighted and delightful faces which surrounded him, than to the plot or +the progress of the performances before him. It was a scene of splendour +of which lie had not the least conception; and Sparkle perceiving the +principal objects of attraction, could not resist the impulse to deliver, +in a sort of half-whisper, the following lines:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“When Woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, +And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, +What need has new Drury of carvers and gilders? +With nature so bounteous, why call upon art? + +1 The Box-keeper to a public Theatre has many duties to +perform to the public, his employer, and himself; but, +perhaps, in order to be strictly correct, we ought to have +reversed the order in which we have noticed them, since of +the three, the latter appears to be the most important, (at +least) in his consideration; for he takes care before the +commencement of the performance to place one of his +automaton figures on the second row of every box, which +commands a good view of the House, who are merely intended +to sit with their hats off, and to signify that the two +first seats are taken, till the conclusion of the second +act; and so in point of fact they are taken by himself, for +the accommodation of such friends as he is quite aware are +willing to accommodate him with <i>a quid pro quo</i>. + +How well would our Actors attend to their duties, +Our House save in oil, and our Authors in wit, + +In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young Beauties +Glanc'd light from their eyes between us and the Pit. + +The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge +By Woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, + +To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College— +I mean the Love-apples that bloom in the eyes. + +There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling, +Still governs the slaves that are made by the Fair, + +For Man is the pupil who, while her eye's rolling, +Is lifted to rapture, or sunk in despair.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[131]</span>Tallyho eagerly listened to his friend's +recitation of lines so consonant with his own enraptured feelings; while +his Cousin Dashall was holding a conversation in dumb-show with some +person at a distance, who was presently recognized by Sparkle to be Mrs. G——den,{1} +a well-known frequenter of the House. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said he, “I see how it is with Tom—you may rely upon it he +will not stop long where he is, there is other game in view—he has +but little taste for Tragedy fiction, the Realities of Life are the +objects of his regard. +</p> +<p> +“Tis a fine Tragedy,” continued he, addressing himself to Tom. +</p> +<p> +“Yes—yes,” replied the other, “I dare say it is, but, upon my soul, +I know nothing about it—that is—I have seen it before, and I +mean to read it.” + </p> +<p> +“Bless my heart!” said a fat lady in a back seat, “what a noise them 'are +gentlemen does make—they talk so loud there 'ant no such thing as +seeing what is said—I wonder they don't make these here boxes more +bigger, for I declare I'm so scrouged I'm all in a—Fanny, did you +bring the rumperella for fear it should rain as we goes home?” + </p> +<p> +“Hush, Mother,” said a plump-faced little girl, who sat along side of her—“don't +talk so loud, or otherwise every body will hear you instead of the +Performers, and that would be quite preposterous.” + </p> +<p> +“Don't call me <i>posterous</i> Miss; because you have been to school, and +learnt some <i>edification</i>, you thinks you are to do as you please +with me.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Mrs. G——den, a dashing Cyprian of the first order, well +known in the House, a fine, well-made woman, always ready +for a lark, and generally well togged. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[132]</span>This interesting conversation was +interrupted by loud vociferations of Bravo, Bravo, from all parts of the +House, as the drop-scene fell upon the conclusion of the second act. The +clapping of hands, the whistling and noise that ensued for a few minutes, +appeared to astonish Tallyho. “I don't much like my seat,” said Dashall. +“No,” said Sparkle, “I did not much expect you would remain long—you +are a mighty ambitious sort of fellow, and I perceive you have a desire to +be exalted.” + </p> +<p> +“I confess the situation, is too confined,” replied Tom—“come, it is +excessively warm here, let us take a turn and catch a little air.” + </p> +<p> +The House was crowded in every part; for the announcement of a new Tragedy +from the pen of Lord Byron, particularly under the circumstances of its +introduction to the Stage, against the expressed inclination of its +Author, the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 At an early hour on the evening this Tragedy was first +pro-duced at Drury Lane, Hand-bills were plentifully +distributed through the Theatre, of which the following is a +copy: + +“The public are respectfully informed, that the +representation of Lord Byron's Tragedy, The Doge of Venice, +this evening, takes place in defiance of the injunction from +the Lord Chancellor, which was not applied for until the +remonstrance of the Publisher, at the earnest desire of the +noble Author, had failed in protecting that Drama from its +intrusion on the Stage, for which it was never intended.” + +This announcement had the effect of exciting public +expectation beyond its usual pitch upon such occasions. The +circumstances were somewhat new in the history of the Drama: +the question being, whether a published Flay could be +legally brought on the Stage without the consent, or rather +we should say, in defiance of the Author. “We are not aware +whether this question has been absolutely decided, but this +we do know, that the Piece was performed several nights, and +underwent all the puffing of the adventurous Manager, as +well as all the severity of the Critics. The newspapers of +the day were filled with histories and observations upon it. +No subject engrossed the conversation of the polite and +play-going part of the community but Lord Byron, The Doge of +Venice, and Mr. Elliston. They were all bepraised and +beplastered—exalted and debased—acquitted and condemned; +but it was generally allowed on all hands, that the printed +Tragedy contained many striking beauties, notwithstanding +its alleged resemblance to Venice Preserved. We are, +however, speaking of the acted Tragedy, and the magnanimous +Manager, who with such promptitude produced it in an altered +shape; and having already alluded to the theatrical puffing +so constantly resorted to upon all occasions, we shall drop +the curtain upon the subject, after merely remarking, that +the Times of the same day has been known to contain the +Manager's puff, declaring the piece to have been +received with rapturous applause, in direct opposition +to the Editor's critique, which as unequivocally pronounced +its complete failure! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[133]</span>will of its publisher, and the +injunction{1} of the Lord Chancellor, were attractions of no ordinary +nature; and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Injunction—The word injunction implies a great deal, and +has in its sound so much of the terrific, as in many +instances to paralyze exertion on the part of the supposed +offending person or persons. It has been made the instrument +of artful, designing, and malicious persons, aided by +pettifogging or pretended attorneys, to obtain money for +themselves and clients by way of compromise; and in numerous +instances it is well known that fear has been construed into +actual guilt. Injunctions are become so common, that even +penny printsellers have lately issued threats, and promised +actual proceedings, against the venders of articles said to +be copies from their original drawings, and even carried it +so far as to withhold (kind souls!) the execution of their +promises, upon the payment of a 5L. from those who were +easily to be duped, having no inclination to encounter the +glorious uncertainty of the law, or no time to spare for +litigation. We have recently been furnished with a curious +case which occurred in Utopia, where it appears by our +informant, that the laws hold great similarity with our own. +A certain house of considerable respectability had imported +a large quantity of Welsh cheese, which were packed in +wooden boxes, and offered them for sale (a great rarity in +Eutopia) as double Gloucester. + +It is said that two of a trade seldom agree; how far the +adage may apply to Eutopia, will be seen in the sequel. A +tradesman, residing in the next street, a short time after, +received an importation from Gloucester, of the favourite +double production of that place, packed in a similar way, +and (as was very natural for a tradesman to do, at least we +know it is so here,) the latter immediately began to vend +his cheese as the real Double Gloucester. This was an +offence beyond bearing. The High Court of Equity was moved, +similar we suppose to our High Court of Chancery, to +suppress the sale of the latter; but as no proof of +deception could be produced, it was not granted. This only +increased the flame already excited in the breasts of the +first importers; every effort was made use of to find a good +and sufficient excuse to petition the Court again, and at +length they found out one of the craft to swear, that as the +real Gloucester had been imported in boxes of a similar +shape, make, and wood, it was quite evident that the +possessor must have bought similar cheeses, and was imposing +on the public to their great disadvantage, notwithstanding +they could not find a similarity either of taste, smell, or +appearance. In the mean time the real Gloucester cheese +became a general favourite with the inhabit-ants of Utopia, +and upon this, though slender ground, the innocent tradesman +was served with a process, enjoining him not to do that, +which, poor man, he never intended to do; and besides if he +had, the people of that country were not such ignoramuses as +to be so deceived; it was merely to restrain him from +selling his own real double Gloucester as their Welsh +cheeses, purporting, as they did, to be double Gloucester, +or of mixing them together (than which nothing could be +further from his thoughts,) and charging him at the same +time with having sold his cheeses under their name. But the +most curious part of the business was, the real cheeseman +brought the investigation before the Court, cheeses in boxes +were produced, and evidence was brought forward, when, as +the charges alleged could not be substantiated, the +restraint was removed, and the three importers of Welsh +cheese hung their heads, and retired in dudgeon. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[134]</span>the Hon. Tom availed himself of the +circumstance to leave the Box, though the truth was, there were other +attractions of a more enlivening cast in his view. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said he, “we shall have a better opportunity of seeing the House, +and its decorations, by getting nearer to the curtain; besides, Ave shall +have a bird's-eye view of the company in all quarters, from the seat of +the Gods to the Pit.” + </p> +<p> +The influx of company, (it being the time of half-price), and the rush and +confusion which took place in all parts at this moment, were +indescribable. Jumping over boxes and obtaining seats by any means, +regardless of politeness or even of decorum—Bucks and Bloods warm +from the pleasures of the bottle—dashing Belles and flaming Beaux, +squabbling and almost fighting—rendered the amusements before the +curtain of a momentary interest, which appeared to obliterate the +recollection of what they had previously witnessed. In the mean time, the +Gods in the Gallery issued forth an abundant variety of discordant sounds, +from their elevated situation. Growling of bears, grunting of hogs, +braying of donkeys, gobbling of turkeys, hissing of geese, the catcall, +and the loud shrill whistle, were heard in one mingling concatenation of +excellent imitation and undistinguished variety: During which, Tom led the +way to the upper Boxes, where upon arriving, he was evidently disappointed +at not meeting the party who had been seen occupying a seat on the left +side of the House, besides having sacrificed a front seat, to be now +compelled to take one at the very back part of a side Box, an exchange by +no means advantageous for a view of the performance. However, this was +compensated in some degree by a more extensive prospect round the House; +and his eyes were seen moving in all directions, without seeming to know +where to fix, while Sparkle and Bob were attracted by a fight in the +Gallery, between a Soldier and a Gentleman's Servant in livery, for some +supposed <span class="pagenum">[135]</span>insult offered to the companion +of the latter, and which promised serious results from the repeated +vociferations of those around them, of “Throw 'em over—throw 'em +over;” while the gifts of the Gods were plentifully showered down upon the +inhabitants of the lower regions in the shape of orange-peelings, apples, +&c. The drawing up of the curtain however seemed to have some little +effect upon the audience, and in a moment the Babel of tongues was changed +into a pretty general cry of “Down—down in the front—hats off—silence, +&c. which at length subsided in every quarter but the Gallery, where +still some mutterings and murmurings were at intervals to be heard. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——one fiddle will +Produce a tiny flourish still.” + </div> +<p> +Sparkle could neither see nor hear the performance—Tom was wholly +engaged in observing the company, and Bob alternately straining his neck +to get a view of the Stage, and then towards the noisy inhabitants of the +upper regions. “We dined at the Hummums,” said a finicking little +Gentleman just below him—“Bill, and I, and Harry—drank claret +like fishes—Harry was half-sprung—fell out with a Parson about +chopping logic; you know Harry's father was a butcher, and used to +chopping, so it was all prime—the Parson would'n't be convinced, +though Harry knock'd down his argument with his knuckles on the table, +almost hard enough to split it—it was a bang-up lark—Harry got +in a passion, doff'd his toggery, and was going to show fight—so +then the Parson sneak'd off—Such a bit of gig.'” + </p> +<p> +“Silence there, behind.” + </p> +<p> +“So then,” continued the Dandy, “we went to the Billiard-rooms, in Fleet +Street, played three games, diddled the Flats, bilk'd the Marker, and +bolted—I say, when did you see Dolly?"{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 To the frequenters of Drury-lane Theatre, who occasionally +lounge away a little of their time between the acts in +sipping soda-water, negus, &c. the party here alluded to +cannot but be well known—we mean particularly the laffing- +boys and the lads of the village. We are aware that +fictitious names are assumed or given to the Ladies of +Saloon notoriety, originating in particular circum-stances, +and we have reason to believe that Dolly K——lly has been +so denominated from the propensity she almost invariably +manifests of painting, as remarked particularly by one of +the parties in conversation. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[136]</span>"Last night,” replied the other—“she'll +be here presently—d——nd fine girl, arn't she?” + </p> +<p> +“Very well,” said the first; “a nice plump face, but then she paints so d—n—bly, +I hate your painted Dollys, give me natural flesh and blood—Polly H—ward +for me.” + </p> +<p> +“Gallows Tom{1} will speak to you in plain terms if you trespass there, my +boy; you know he has out-general'd the Captain in that quarter, and came +off victorious, so——” + </p> +<p> +“Come,” said Sparkle, “let us adjourn into the Saloon, for, Heaven knows, +it is useless staying here.” And taking their arms, they immediately left +the Box. +</p> +<p> +“The theatre,” continued he, “is a sort of enchanted island, where nothing +appears as it really is, nor what it should be. In London, it is a sort of +time-killer, or exchange of looks and smiles. It is frequented by persons +of all degrees and qualities whatsoever. Here Lords come to laugh and be +laughed at—Knights to learn the amorous smirk and a-la-mode grin, +the newest fashion in the cut of his garments, the twist of his body, and +the adjustment of his phiz. +</p> +<p> +“This House{2} was built upon a grand and extensive scale, designed and +executed under the inspection of Mr. Benj. Wyatt, the architect, whose +skill was powerfully and liberally aided by an intelligent and public +spirited Committee, of which the late Mr. Whitbread was the Chairman. It +is altogether a master-piece of art, and an ornament to the Metropolis. +You perceive the interior is truly delightful, and the exterior presents +the idea of solidity and security: it affords sitting room for 2810 +persons, that is, 1200 in the Boxes, 850 in the Pit, 480 +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It appears that the adoption of fictitious names is not +wholly confined to the female visitors of these regions of +fashion and folly. Gallows Tom is a character well known, +and is a sort of general friend, at all times full of fun, +fire, and spirit. We have not been able to discover whether +he holds any official situation under government, though it +is generally believed he is safely anchored under the croum, +a stanch friend to the British constitution—probably more +so than to his own. And we should judge from what is to be +inferred from the conversation overheard, that he is the +acknowledged friend of Miss H——d. Capt. T——pe is +supposed to hold a Commission in the Navy, a gay and gallant +frequenter of the Saloon, and, till a short time back, the +chere ami of Miss H——d. + +2 The building of this Theatre was completed for 112,000L. +Including lamps, furniture, &c. 125,000L.; and including +scent ry, wardrobe, properties, &c. 150,000L. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[137]</span>in the Lower Gallery, and 280 in the +Upper Gallery. The talents of the celebrated Mr. Kean (who has recently +left us for the shores of the Atlantic) first blazed forth to astonish the +world beneath this roof. Old Drury immortalized the name of Garrick, and +has also established the fame of Mr. Kean; and the House at the present +moment has to boast of a combination of histrionic{1} talent, rich and +excellent.” + </p> +<p> +“Come along, come along,” said Tom, interrupting him, “leave these +explanations for another opportunity—here is the Saloon. Now for a +peep at old particulars. There is no seeing nor hearing the Play—I +have no inclination for histories, I am just alive for a bit of gig.” + </p> +<p> +On entering the Saloon, Bob was additionally gratified at viewing the +splendour of its decorations. The arched ceiling, the two massy Corinthian +columns of <i>vera antique</i>, and the ten corresponding pilasters on +each side, struck him as particularly beautiful, and he was for some +moments lost in contemplation, while his friends Sparkle and Tom were in +immediate request to receive the congratulations of their acquaintance. +</p> +<p> +“Where the d——l have you been to?” was the first question +addressed to Dashall—“rusticating, I suppose, to the serious loss of +all polished society.” + </p> +<p> +“You are right in the first part of your reply,” said Tom; “but, as I +conceive, not exactly so in the inference you draw from it.” + </p> +<p> +“Modesty, by Jove! well done Dashall, this travelling appears to improve +your manners wonderfully; and I dare say if you had staid away another +month, your old friends would not have known you.” + </p> +<p> +This created a laugh among the party, which roused Bob from his reverie, +who, turning round rather hastily, trod with considerable force upon the +gouty toe of an old debauchee in spectacles, who, in the height of +ecstasy, was at that moment entering into a treaty of amity with a pretty +rosy-faced little girl, and chucking her under the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The names of Elliston, Pope, Johnston, Powell, Dowton, +Munden, Holland, Wallack, Knight, T. Cooke, Oxberry, Smith, +Bromley, &c. are to be found on the male list of Performers, +and it is sincerely to be hoped that of Mr. Kean will not +long be absent. The females are, Mrs. Davison, Mrs. Glover, +Miss Kelly, Mrs. Bland, Mrs. Orger, Mrs. Sparks, Miss +Wilson, Miss Byrne, Miss Cubitt, &c. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[138]</span>chin, as a sort of preliminary, to be +succeeded by a ratification; for in all probability gratification was out +of the question. However this might be, the pain occasioned by the sudden +movement of Tallyho, who had not yet learned to trip it lightly along the +<i>mutton walk</i>,{1} induced the sufferer to roar out most lustily, a +circumstance which immediately attracted the attention of every one in the +room, and in a moment they were surrounded by a group of lads and lasses. +</p> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0010"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page138.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page138 Tom and Bob at Drury Lane "><br> +</div> +<p> +“Upon my soul, Sir,” stammer'd out Bob, “I beg your pardon, I—I—did +not mean—” + </p> +<p> +“Oh! oh! oh!” continued the gouty Amoroso. Mother K——p{2} came +running like lightning with a glass of water; the frail sisterhood were +laughing, nodding, whispering, and winking at each other; while St——ns,{3} +who pick'd up the spectacles the unfortunate victim of the gout had +dropp'd, swore that fellow in the green coat and white hat ought to be +sent to some dancing-school, to learn to step without kicking people's +shins. +</p> +<p> +Another declared he was a Johnny-raw,{4} just catched, and what could be +expected. +</p> +<p> +Tom, who, however, kept himself alive to the passing occurrences, stepping +up to Bob, was immediately recognized by all around him, and passing a +significant wink, declared it was an accident, and begged to assist the +Old Buck to a seat, which being accomplished, he declared he had not had +his shoe on for a week, but as he found himself able to walk, he could not +resist the temptation of taking a look around him. +</p> +<p> +Over a bottle of wine the unpleasant impressions made by this unfortunate +occurrence appeared to be removed. In the mean time, Tom received a +hundred congratulations and salutations; while Sparkle, after a glass or +two, was missing. +</p> +<p> +Dashall informed the friends around him, that his Cousin was a pupil of +his, and begged to introduce him +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Mutton Walk—A flash term recently adopted to denominate +the Saloon. + +2 A well known fruit-woman, who is in constant attendance, +well acquainted with the girls and their protectors, and +ready upon all occasions to give or convey information for +the benefit of both parties. + +3 St——ns—A very pretty round-faced young lady-bird, of +rather small figure, inclining to be lusty. + +4 Johnny Raw—A country bumpkin. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[139]</span>as a future visitor to this gay scene. +This had an instantaneous effect upon the trading fair ones, who began +immediately to throw out their lures. One declared he had a sweet pretty +brooch; another, that she knew he was a trump by the cut of his jib; a +third, that he look'd like a gentleman, for she liked the make of his mug; +a fourth, that his hat was a very pretty shaped one, although it was of a +radical colour; and while Tom and the ladybird{l} were soothing the pains +of the grey-headed wanton, Bob was as busily employed in handing about the +contents of the bottle. A second and a third succeeded, and it was not a +little astonishing to him that every bottle improved his appearance; for, +though not one of his admirers remained long with him, yet the absence of +one only brought another, equally attracted by his look and manner: every +one declared he was really a gentleman in every respect, and in the course +of their short parley, did not fail to slip a card into his hand. By this +time he began to grow chatty, and was enabled to rally in turn the +observations they made. He swore he lov'd them all round, and once or +twice hummed over, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Dear creatures, we can't do without them, +They're all that is sweet and seducing to man, +Looking, sighing about, and about them, +We doat on them—do for them, all that we can.” + </div> +<p> +The play being over, brought a considerable influx of company into the +Saloon. The regular covies paired off with their covesses, and the moving +panorama of elegance and fashion presented a scene that was truly +delightful to Bob. +</p> +<p> +The Ladybird, who had been so attentive to the gouty customer, now wished +him a good night, for, said she, “There is my friend,{2} and so I am off.” + This seemed only to increase the agony of his already agonized toe, +notwithstanding which he presently toddled off, and was seen no more for +the evening. +</p> +<p> +“What's become of Sparkle,” enquired Tom. “Stole away,” was the reply. +</p> +<p> +“Tipp'd us the double, has he,” said Dashall. “Well, what think you of +Drury-lane?” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Lady-bird—A dashing Cyprian. + +2 The term friend is in constant use among accessible +ladies, and signifies their protector or keeper. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[140]</span>“'Tis a very delightful tragedy indeed, +but performed in the most comical manner I ever witnessed in my life.” + </p> +<p> +“Pshaw!” said Bob, “very few indeed, except the critics and the plebs, +come here to look at the play; they come to see and be seen.” + </p> +<p> +“Egad then,” said Bob, “a great many have been gratified to-night, and +perhaps I have been highly honoured, for every person that has passed me +has complimented me with a stare.” + </p> +<p> +“Which of course you did not fail to return?” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly not; and upon my soul you have a choice show of fruit here.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” continued Tom, “London is a sort of hot-house, where fruit is +forced into ripeness by the fostering and liberal sun of Folly, sooner +than it would be, if left to its natural growth. Here however, you observe +nothing but joyful and animated features, while perhaps the vulture of +misery is gnawing at the heart. I could give you histories of several of +these unfortunates,{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A life of prostitution is a life fraught with too many +miseries to be collected in any moderate compass. The mode +in which they are treated, by parties who live upon the +produce of their infamy, the rude and boisterous, nay, often +brutal manner in which they are used by those with whom they +occasionally associate, and the horrible reflections of +their own minds, are too frequently and too fatally +attempted to be obliterated by recourse to the Bacchanalian +fount. Reason becomes obscured, and all decency and +propriety abandoned. Passion rules predominantly until it +extinguishes itself, and leaves the wretched victim of early +delusion, vitiated both in body and mind, to drag on a +miserable existence, without character, without friends, and +almost without hope. There is unfortunately, however, no +occasion for the exercise of imagination on this subject. +The annals of our police occurrences, furnish too many +examples of actual circumstances, deeply to be deplored; and +we have selected one of a most atrocious kind which recently +took place, and is recorded as follows:— + +<i>Prostitution</i>. + +“An unfortunate girl, apparently about eighteen years of +age, and of the most interesting and handsome person, but +whose attire indicated extreme poverty and distress, applied +to the sitting magistrate, Richard Bimie, Esq. under the +following circum-stances:—It appeared from the statement, +that she had for the last three weeks been living at a house +of ill fame in Exeter-street, Strand, kept by a man named +James Locke: this wretch had exacted the enormous sum of +three guineas per week for her board and lodging, and in +consequence of her not being able to pay the sum due for the +last week, he threatened to strip her of her cloaths, and +turn her naked into the street. This threat he deferred +executing until yesterday morning (having in the mean time +kept her locked up in a dark room, without any covering +whatever,) when in lieu of her cloaths, he gave her the +tattered and loathsome garments she then appeared in, which +were barely sufficient to preserve common decency, and then +brutally turned her into the street. Being thus plunged into +the most abject wretchedness, without money or friends, to +whom she could apply in her present situation, her bodily +strength exhausted by the dissipated life she had led, and +rendered more so by a long abstinence from food; her spirits +broken and overcome by the bitter and humiliating +reflection, that her own guilty conduct debarred her from +flying to the fostering arms of affectionate parents, whom +she had loaded with disgrace and misery; and the now +inevitable exposure of her infamy, it was some time ere her +wandering senses were sufficiently composed to determine +what course she should pursue in the present emergency, when +she thought she could not do better than have recourse to +the justice of her country against the villain Lock, who had +so basely treated her; and after extreme pain and +difficulty, she succeeded in dragging her enfeebled limbs to +the Office. During the detail of the foregoing particulars, +she seemed overwhelmed with shame and remorse, and at times +sobbed so violently as to render her voice inarticulate. Her +piteous case excited the attention and sympathy of all +present; and it was much to the general satisfaction that +Mr. Bimie ordered Humphries, one of the conductors of the +Patrol, to fetch Lock to the Office. On being brought there, +the necessary proceedings were gone into for the purpose of +indicting the house as a common brothel. + +“It was afterwards discovered that this unhappy girl was of +the most respectable parents, and for the last six years had +been residing with her Aunt. About three months ago, some +difference having arisen between them, she absconded, taking +with her only a few shillings, and the clothes she then +wore. The first night of her remaining from home she went to +Drury-lane Theatre, and was there pick'd up by a genteel +woman dressed in black, who having learned her situation, +enticed her to a house in Hart-street, Covent-garden, where +the ruin of the poor girl was finally effected. It was not +until she had immersed herself in vice and folly that she +reflected on her situation, and it was then too late to +retract; and after suffering unheard of miseries, was, in +the short space of three months, reduced to her present +state of wretchedness. + +“The worthy Magistrate ordered that proper care should be +taken of the girl, which was readily undertaken on the part +of the parish. + +“The Prisoner set up a defence, in which he said, a friend +of the girl's owed him 14L. and that he detained her clothes +for it—but was stopped by Mr. Bimie. + +“He at first treated the matter very lightly; but on +perceiving the determination on the part of the parish to +proceed, he offered to give up the things. This however he +was not allowed to do.” + </div> +<p> +(who are exercising all their arts to entrap customers) apparently full of +life and vivacity, who perhaps dare not approach <span class="pagenum">[142]</span>their +homes without the produce of their successful blandishments. But this is +not a place for moralizing—a truce to Old Care and the Blue Devils—Come +on, my boy, let us take a turn in the Lobby— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Banish sorrow, griefs a folly; +Saturn, bend thy wrinkled brow; +Get thee hence, dull Melancholy, +Mirth and wine invite us now. + +Love displays his mine of treasure, +Comus brings us mirth and song!; +Follow, follow, follow pleasure, +Let us join the jovial throng.” + </div> +<p> +Upon this they adjourned to the Lobby, where a repetition of similar +circumstances took place, with only this difference, that Tally ho having +already been seen in the Saloon, and now introduced, leaning upon the arm +of his Cousin, the enticing goddesses of pleasure hung around them at +every step, every one anxious to be foremost in their assiduities to catch +the new-comer's smile; and the odds were almost a cornucopia to a +cabbage-net that Bob would be hook'd. +</p> +<p> +Tom was still evidently disappointed, and after pacing the Lobby once or +twice, and whispering Bob to make his observations the subject of future +inquiry, they returned to the Saloon, where Sparkle met them almost out of +breath, declaring he had been hunting them in all parts of the House for +the last half hour. +</p> +<p> +Tom laugh'd heartily at this, and complimented Sparkle on the ingenuity +with which he managed his affairs. “But I see how it is,” said he, “and I +naturally suppose you are engaged.” + </p> +<p> +“'Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,' and I perceive clearly that you +are only disappointed that you are not engaged—where are all your <i>golden</i>{1} +dreams now?” + </p> +<p> +“Pshaw! there is no such thing as speaking to you,” said Tom, rather +peevishly, “without feeling a lash like a cart-whip.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This was a touch of the satirical which it appears did not +exactly suit the taste of Dashall, as it applied to the +Ladybird who had attracted his attention on entering the +house. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[143]</span>"Merely in return,” continued Sparkle, +“for the genteel, not to say gentle manner, in which you handle the +horse-whip.” + </p> +<p> +“There is something very mulish in all this,” said Bob, interrupting the +conversation, “I don't understand it.” + </p> +<p> +“Nor I neither,” said Tom, leaving the arm of his Cousin, and stepping +forward. +</p> +<p> +This hasty dismissal of the subject under debate had been occasioned by +the appearance of a Lady, whose arm Tom immediately took upon leaving that +of his cousin, a circumstance which seemed to restore harmony to all +parties. Tallyho and Sparkle soon joined them, and after a few turns for +the purpose of seeing, and being seen, it was proposed to adjourn to the +Oyster-shop directly opposite the front of the Theatre; and with that view +they in a short time departed, but not without an addition of two other +ladies, selected from the numerous frequenters of the Saloon, most of whom +appeared to be well known both to Tom and Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +The appearance of the outside was very pleasing—the brilliance of +the lights—the neat and cleanly style in which its contents were +displayed seemed inviting to appetite, and in a very short time a cheerful +repast was served up; while the room was progressively filling with +company, and Mother P——was kept in constant activity. +</p> +<p> +Bob was highly gratified with the company, and the manner in which they +were entertained. +</p> +<p> +A vast crowd of dashing young Beaux and elegantly dressed Belles, calling +about them for oysters, lobsters, salmon, shrimps, bread and butter, +soda-water, ginger-beer, &c. kept up a sort of running accompaniment +to the general conversation in which they were engaged; when the mirth and +hilarity of the room was for a moment delayed upon the appearance of a +dashing Blade, who seemed as he entered to say to himself, +</p> +<p> +“Plebeians, avaunt! I have altered my plan, Metamorphosed completely, +behold a Fine Man! That is, throughout town I am grown quite the rage, The +meteor of fashion, the Buck of the age.” + </p> +<p> +He was dressed in the extreme of fashion, and seemed desirous of imparting +the idea of his great importance to all around him: he had a +light-coloured great-coat with immense mother o' pearl buttons and double +<span class="pagenum">[144]</span>capes, Buff or Petersham breeches, and +coat of <i>sky-blue</i>,{1} his hat cocked on one side, and stout +ground-ashen stick in his hand. It was plain to be seen that the juice of +the grape had been operative upon the upper story, as he reeled to the +further end of the room, and, calling the attendant, desired her to bring +him a bottle of soda-water, for he was <i>lushy</i>,{2} by G——d; +then throwing himself into a box, which he alone occupied, he stretched +himself at length on the seat, and seemed as if he would go to sleep. +</p> +<p> +“That (said Sparkle) is a distinguished Member of the Tilbury Club, and is +denominated a Ruffian, a kind of character that gains ground, as to +numbers, over the Exquisite, but he is very different in polish. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A partiality to these coloured habits is undoubtedly +intended to impress upon the minds of plebeian beholders an +exalted idea of their own consequence, or to prove, perhaps, +that their conceptions are as superior to common ones as the +sky is to the earth. + +2 The variety of denominations that have at different times +been given to drunkenness forms an admirable specimen of +ingenuity well worthy of remark. The derivation of Lushy, we +believe, is from a very common expression, that a drunken +man votes for Lushington; but perhaps it would be rather +difficult to discover the origin of many terms made use of +to express a jolly good fellow, and no flincher under the +effects of good fellowship. It is said—that he is drunk, +intoxicated, fuddled, muddled, flustered, rocky, reely, +tipsy, merry, half-boosy, top-heavy, chuck-full, cup-sprung, +pot-valiant, maudlin, a little how came you so, groggy, +jolly, rather mightitity, in drink, in his cups, high, in +uubibus, under the table, slew'd, cut, merry, queer, quisby, +sew'd up, over-taken, elevated, cast away, concerned, half- +coek'd, exhilarated, on a merry pin, a little in the suds, +in a quandary, wing'd as wise as Solomon. +</div> +<p> +It is also said, that he has business on both sides of the way, got his +little hat on, bung'd his eye, been in the sun, got a spur in his head, +(this is frequently used by brother Jockeys to each other) got a crumb in +his beard, had a little, had enough, got more than he can carry, been +among the Philistines, lost his legs, been in a storm, got his night-cap +on, got his skin full, had a cup too much, had his cold tea, a red eye, +got his dose, a pinch of snuff in his wig, overdone it, taken draps, +taking a lunar, sugar in his eye, had his wig oil'd, that he is diddled, +dish'd and done up. +</p> +<p> +He clips the King's English, sees double, reels, heels a little, heels and +sets, shews his hob-nails, looks as if he couldn't help it, takes an +observation, chases geese, loves a drap, and cannot sport a right line, +can't walk a chalk. +</p> +<p> +He is as drunk as a piper, drunk as an owl, drunk as David's sow, drunk as +a lord, fuddled as an ape, merry as a grig, happy as a king. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[145]</span>"In the higher circles, a Ruffian is one +of the many mushroom-productions which the sun of prosperity brings to +life. Stout in general is his appearance, but Dame Nature has done little +for him, and Fortune has spoilt even that little. To resemble his groom +and his coachman is his highest ambition. He is a perfect horseman, a +perfect whip, but takes care never to be a perfect gentleman. His +principal accomplishments are sporting, swaggering, milling, drawing, and +greeking.{1} He takes the ribands in his hands, mounts his box, with +Missus by his side—“All right, ya hip, my hearties”—drives his +empty mail with four prime tits—cuts out a Johnny-raw—shakes +his head, and lolls out his tongue at him; and if he don't break his own +neck, gets safe home after his morning's drive. +</p> +<p> +“He is always accompanied by a brace at least of dogs in his morning +visits; and it is not easy to determine on these occasions which is the +most troublesome animal of the two, the biped or the quadruped.” + </p> +<p> +This description caused a laugh among the Ladybirds, who thought it vastly +amusing, while it was also listened to with great attention by Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +The Hon. Tom Dashall in the mean time was in close conversation with his +mott{2} in the corner of the Box, and was getting, as Sparkle observed, +“rather nutty{3} in that quarter of the globe.” + </p> +<p> +The laugh which concluded Sparkle's account of the Tilbury-club man roused +him from his sleep, and also attracted the attention of Tom and his +inamorata. +</p> +<p> +“D——n my eyes,” said the fancy cove, as he rubbed open his +peepers,{4}” am I awake or asleep?—what a h——ll of a +light there is!” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Greeking—An epithet generally applied to gambling and +gamblers, among the polished hells of society, principally +to be found in and near St. James's: but of this more +hereafter. + +2 Mott—A blowen, or woman of the town. We know not from +whom or whence the word originated, but we recollect some +lines of an old song in which the term is made use of, viz. + +“When first I saw this flaming Mutt, +?Twas at the sign of the Pewter Pot; +We call'd for some Purl, and we had it hot, +With Gin and Bitters too.” + +3 Nutty—Amorous. + +4 An elegant and expressive term for the eyes. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[146]</span>This was followed immediately by the +rattling of an engine with two torches, accompanied by an immense +concourse of people following it at full speed past the window. +</p> +<p> +“It is well lit, by Jove,” said the sleeper awake, “where ever it is;” and +with that he tipp'd the <i>slavey</i>{1}1 a tanner,{2} and mizzled. +</p> +<p> +The noise and confusion outside of the House completely put a stop to all +harmony and comfort within. +</p> +<p> +“It must be near us,” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“It is Covent Garden Theatre, in my opinion,” said Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +Bob said nothing, but kept looking about him in a sort +</p> +<p> +of wild surprise. +</p> +<p> +“However,” said Tom, “wherever it is, we must go and have a peep.” + </p> +<p> +“You are a very gallant fellow, truly,” said one of the bewitchers—“I +thought—” + </p> +<p> +“And so did I,” said Tom—“but 'rest the babe—the time it shall +come'—never mind, we won't be disappointed; but here, (said he) as I +belong to the Tip and Toddle Club, I don't mean to disgrace my calling, by +forgetting my duty.” And slipping a something into her hand, her note was +immediately changed into, +</p> +<p> +“Well, I always thought you was a trump, and I likes a man that behaves +like a gentleman.” + </p> +<p> +Something of the same kind was going on between the other two, which +proved completely satisfactory. +</p> +<p> +“So then, Mr. Author, it seems you have raised a fire to stew the oysters, +and leave your Readers to feast upon the blaze.” + </p> +<p> +“Hold for a moment, and be not so testy, and for your satisfaction I can +solemnly promise, that if the oysters are stewed, you shall have good and +sufficient notice of the moment they are to be on table—But, bless +my heart, how the fire rages!—I can neither spare time nor wind to +parley a moment longer—Tom and Bob have already started off with the +velocity of a race-horse, and if I lose them, I should cut but a poor +figure with my Readers afterward. +</p> +<p> +“Pray, Sir, can you tell me where the fire is?” 'Really, Sir, I don't +know, but I am told it is somewhere by Whitechapel.' +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Slaveys—Servants of either sex. + +2 Tanner—A flash term for a sixpence. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[147]</span>"Could you inform me Madam, whereabouts +the fire is?” + </p> +<p> +?Westminster Road, Sir, as I am informed.' “Westminster, and Whitechapel—some +little difference of opinion I find as usual—however, I have just +caught sight of Tom, and he's sure to be on the right scent; so adieu, Mr. +Reader, for the present, and have no doubt but I shall soon be able to +throw further light on the subject.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0011"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Some folks in the streets, by the Lord, made me stare, +So comical, droll, is the dress that they wear, +For the Gentlemen's waists are atop of their backs, +And their large cassock trowsers they tit just like sacks. +Then the Ladies—their dresses are equally queer, +They wear such large bonnets, no face can appear: +It puts me in mind, now don't think I'm a joker, +Of a coal-scuttle stuck on the head of a poker. +In their bonnets they wear of green leaves such a power, +It puts me in mind of a great cauliflower; +And their legs, 1 am sure, must be ready to freeze, +For they wear all their petticoats up to their knees. +They carry large bags full of trinkets and lockets, +?Cause the fashion is now not to wear any pockets; +“While to keep off the flies, and to hide from beholders, +A large cabbage-net is thrown over their shoulders.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[148]</span>IN a moment all was consternation, +confusion, and alarm. The brilliant light that illuminated the surrounding +buildings presented a scene of dazzling splendour, mingled with sensations +of horror not easily to be described. The rattling of engines, the +flashing of torches, and the shouting of thousands, by whom they were +followed and surrounded, all combined to give lively interest to the +circumstance. +</p> +<p> +It was quickly ascertained that the dreadful conflagration had taken place +at an extensive Timber-yard, within a very short distance of the Theatres, +situated as it were nearly in the centre, between Covent Garden and Drury +Lane. Men, women, and children, were seen running in all directions; and +report, with his ten thousand tongues, here found an opportunity for the +exercise of them all; assertion and denial followed each other in rapid +succession, while the flames continued to increase. Our party being thus +abruptly disturbed in their anticipated enjoyments, bade adieu to their +Doxies,{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Doxies—A flash term frequently made use of to denominate +ladies of easy virtue. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[149]</span>and rushed forward to the spot, where +they witnessed the devouring ravages of the yet unquenched element, +consuming with resistless force all that came in its way. +</p> +<p> +“Button up,” said Tom, “and let us keep together, for upon these +occasions, +</p> +<p> +“The Scamps,{1} the Pads,{2} the Divers,{3} are all upon the lay."{4} +</p> +<p> +The Flash Molishers,{5} in the vicinity of Drury Lane, were out in +parties, and it was reasonable to suppose, that where there was so much +heat, considerable thirst must also prevail; consequently the Sluiceries +were all in high request, every one of those in the neighbourhood being +able to boast of overflowing Houses, without any imputation upon their +veracity. We say nothing of elegant genteel, or enlightened audiences, so +frequently introduced in the Bills from other houses in the neighbourhood; +even the door-ways were block'd up with the collectors and imparters of +information. Prognostications as to how and where it began, how it would +end, and the property that would be consumed, were to be met at every +corner—Snuffy Tabbies, and Boosy Kids, some giving way to +jocularity, and others indulging in lamentations. +</p> +<p> +“Hot, hot, hot, all hot,” said a Black man, as he pushed in and out among +the crowd; with “Hoot awa', the de'il tak your soul, mon, don't you think +we are all hot eneugh?—gin ye bring more hot here I'll crack your +croon—I've been roasting alive for the last half hoor, an' want to +be ganging, but I can't get out.” + </p> +<p> +“Hot, hot, hot, all hot, Ladies and Gentlemen,” said the dingy dealer in +delicacies, and almost as soon disappeared among the crowd, where he found +better opportunities for vending his rarities. +</p> +<p> +“Lumps of pudding,” said Tom, jerking Tallyho by the arm, “what do you +think of a slice? here's accommodation for you—all hot, ready +dress'd, and well done.” + </p> +<p> +“Egad!” said Bob, “I think we shall be well done ourselves presently.” + </p> +<p> +“Keep your hands out of my pockets, you lousy beggar,” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Scamps—Highwaymen. + +2 Pads—Foot-pads. + +3 Divers—Pickpockets. + +4 The Lay—Upon the look-out for opportunities for the +exercise of their profession. + +5 Flash Molishers—a term given to low Prostitutes. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[150]</span>said a tall man standing near them, “or +b—— me if I don't mill you.” + </p> +<p> +“You mill me, vhy you don't know how to go about it, Mr. Bully Brag, and I +doesn't care half a farden for you—you go for to say as how I—” + </p> +<p> +“Take that, then,” said the other, and gave him a floorer; but he was +prevented from falling by those around him. +</p> +<p> +The salute was returned in good earnest, and a random sort of fight +ensued. The accompaniments of this exhibition were the shrieks of the +women, and the shouts of the partisans of each of the Bruisers—the +cries of “Go it, little one—stick to it—tip it him—sarve +him out—ring, ring—give 'em room—foul, foul—fair, +fair,” &c.” At this moment the Firemen, who had been actively engaged +in endeavours to subdue the devouring flames, obtained a supply of water: +the engines were set to work, and the Foreman directed the pipe so as to +throw the water completely into the mob which had collected round them. +This had the desired effect of putting an end to the squabble, and +dispersing a large portion of the multitude, at least to some distance, so +as to leave good and sufficient room for their operations. +</p> +<p> +“The Devil take it,” cried Sparkle, “I am drench'd.” + </p> +<p> +“Ditto repeated,” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“Curse the fellow,” cried Bob, “I am sopp'd.” + </p> +<p> +“Never mind,” continued Tom, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +. . . “By fellowship in woe, +Scarce half our pain we know.” + </div> +<p> +“Since we are all in it, there is no laughing allowed.” + </p> +<p> +In a short time, the water flowed through the street in torrents; the +pumping of the engines, and the calls of the Firemen, were all the noises +that could be heard, except now and then the arrival of additional +assistance. +</p> +<p> +Bob watched minutely the skill and activity of those robust and hardy men, +who were seen in all directions upon the tops of houses, &c. near the +calamitous scene, giving information to those below; and he was astonished +to see the rapidity with which they effected their object. +</p> +<p> +Having ascertained as far as they could the extent of the damage, and that +no lives were lost, Tom proposed a move, and Sparkle gladly seconded the +motion—“for,” said he, “I am so wet, though I cannot complain of +being <span class="pagenum">[151]</span>cold, that I think I resemble the +fat man who seemed something like two single gentlemen roll'd into one,' +and 'who after half a year's baking declared he had been so cursed hot, he +was sure he'd caught cold;' so come along.” + </p> +<p> +“Past twelve o'clock,” said a Charley, about three parts sprung, and who +appeared to have more light in his head than he could shew from his +lantern. +</p> +<p> +“Stop thief, stop thief,” was vociferated behind them; and the night +music, the rattles, were in immediate use in several quarters—a rush +of the crowd almost knock'd Bob off his pins, and he would certainly have +fell to the ground, but his nob{l} came with so much force against the +bread-basket{2} of the groggy guardian of the night, that he was turn'd +keel upwards,{3} and rolled with his lantern, staff, and rattle, into the +overflowing kennel; a circumstance which perhaps had really no bad effect, +for in all probability it brought the sober senses of the Charley a little +more into action than the juice of the juniper had previously allowed. He +was dragged from his birth, and his coat, which was of the blanket kind, +brought with it a plentiful supply of the moistening fluid, being +literally sous'd from head to foot. +</p> +<p> +Bob fished for the <i>darkey</i>{4}—the <i>musical instrument</i>{5}—and +the post of honour, alias the <i>supporter of peace</i>;{6} but he was not +yet complete, for he had dropped his <i>canister-cap</i>,{7} which was at +length found by a flash molisher, and drawn from the pool, full of water, +who appeared to know him, and swore he was one of the best fellows on any +of the beats round about; and that they had got hold of a Fire-prigger,{8} +and bundled{9} him off to St. Giles's watch-house, because he was bolting +with a <i>bag of togs</i>. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Nob—The head. + +2 Bread-basket—The stomach. + +3 Keel upwards—Originally a sea phrase, and most in use +among sailors, &c. + +4 Darkey—Generally made use of to signify a dark lantern. + +5 Musical instrument—a rattle. + +6 Post of honour, or supporter of his peace—Stick, or +cudgel. + +7 “Canister-cap—& hat. + +8 Fire-prigger—No beast of prey can be more noxious to +society or destitute of feeling than those who plunder the +unfortunate sufferers under that dreadful and destructive +calamity, fire. The tiger who leaps on the unguarded +passenger will fly from the fire, and the traveller shall be +protected by it; while these wretches, who attend on fires, +and rob the unfortunate sufferers under pretence of +coming to give assistance, and assuming the style and manner +of neighbours, take advantage of distress and confusion. +Such wretches have a more eminent claim to the detestation +of society, than almost any other of those who prey upon it. + +9 Bundled—Took, or conveyed. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[152]</span>The feeble old scout shook his dripping +wardrobe, d——d the water and the boosy kid that wallof'd him +into it, but without appearing to know which was him; till Bob stepped up, +and passing some silver into his mawley, told him he hoped he was not +hurt. And our party then, moved on in the direction for Russel-street, +Covent-garden, when Sparkle again mentioned his wet condition, and +particularly recommended a glass of Cogniac by way of preventive from +taking cold. “A good motion well made (said Tom;) and here we are just by +the Harp, where we can be fitted to a shaving; so come along.” + </p> +<p> +Having taken this, as Sparkle observed, very necessary precaution, they +pursued their way towards Piccadilly, taking their route under the Piazzas +of Covent-garden, and thence up James-street into Long-acre, where they +were amused by a circumstance of no very uncommon kind in London, but +perfectly new to Tallyho. Two Charleys had in close custody a sturdy young +man (who was surrounded by several others,) and was taking him to the +neighbouring watch-house “What is the matter?” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“Oh, 'tis only a little bit of a dead body-snatcher,” said one of the +guardians. “He has been up to the resurrection rig.{1} Here,” continued +he, “I've got the bone-basket,” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Resurrection rig—This subject, though a grave one, has +been treated by many with a degree of comicality calculated +to excite considerable risibility. A late well known +humorist has related the following anecdote: + +Some young men, who had been out upon the spree, returning +home pretty well primed after drinking plentifully, found +themselves so dry as they passed a public house where they +were well known, they could not resist the desire they had +of calling on their old friend, and taking a glass of brandy +with him by way of finish, as they termed it; and finding +the door open, though it was late, were tempted to walk in. +But their old friend was out of temper. “What is the +matter?”—“Matter enough,” replied Boniface; “here have I +got an old fool of a fellow occupying my parlour dead drunk, +and what the devil to do with him I don't know. He can +neither walk nor speak.” + +“Oh,” said one of the party, who knew that a resurrection +Doctor resided in the next street, “I'll remove that +nuisance, if that's all you have to complain of; only lend +me a sack, and I'll sell him.” + +A sack was produced, and the Bacchanalian, who +almost appeared void of animation, was without much +difficulty thrust into it. “Give me a lift,” said the +frolicsome blade, and away he went with the load. On +arriving at the doctor's door, he pulled the night bell, +when the Assistant made his appearance, not un-accustomed to +this sort of nocturnal visitant. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[153]</span>holding up a bag, “and it was taken off +his shoulder as he went along Mercer-street, so he can't say nothing at +all. +</p> +<p> +“I have brought you a subject—all right.” + </p> +<p> +“Come in. What is it, a man or a woman?” + </p> +<p> +“A man.” + </p> +<p> +“Down with him—that corner. D——n it, I was fast asleep. +</p> +<p> +“Call for the sack in the morning, will you, for I want to get to bed.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart.” + </p> +<p> +Then going to a drawer, and bringing the customary fee, “Here, (said he) +be quick and be off.” This was exactly what the other wanted; and having +secured the rubbish,{1} the door was shut upon him. This, however, was no +sooner done, than the Boosy Kid in the sack, feeling a sudden internal +turn of the contents of his stomach, which brought with it a heaving, +fell, from the upright situation in which he had been placed, on the +floor. This so alarmed the young Doctor, that he ran with all speed after +the vender, and just coming up to him at the corner of the street. +</p> +<p> +“Why, (said he) you have left me a living man!” + </p> +<p> +“Never mind, (replied the other;) kill him when you want him.” And making +good use of his heels he quickly disappeared. +</p> +<p> +A Comedian of some celebrity, but who is now too old for theatrical +service, relates a circumstance which occurred to him upon his first +arrival in town:— +</p> +<p> +Having entered into an engagement to appear upon the boards of one of the +London Theatres, he sought the metropolis some short time before the +opening of the House; and conceiving it necessary to his profession to +study life—real life as it is,—he was accustomed to mingle +promiscuously in almost all society. With this view he frequently entered +the tap rooms of the lowest public houses, to enjoy his pipe and his pint, +keeping the main object always in view— +</p> +<p> +“To catch the manners living as they rise.” + </p> +<p> +Calling one evening at one of these houses, not far from Drury Lane, he +found some strapping fellows engaged in conversation, interlarded with +much flash and low slang; but decently dressed, he mingled in a sort of +general dialogue with them on the state of the weather, politics, &c. +After sitting some time in their company, and particularly noticing their +persons and apparent character— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Come, Bill, it is time to be off, it is getting rather +darkish.” “Ah, very well (replied the other,) let us have +another quart, and then I am your man for a bit of a lark.” + By this time they had learned that the Comedian was but +newly arrived in town; and he on the other hand was desirous +of seeing what they meant to be up to. After another quart +they were about to move, when, said one to the other, “As we +are only going to have a stroll and a bit of fun, perhaps +that there young man would like to join us.” + +“Ah, what say you, Sir? have you any objection? but perhaps +you have business on hand and are engaged—” + +“No, I have nothing particular to do,” was the reply. “Very +well, then if you like to go with us, we shall be glad of +your company.” + +“Well (said he,) I don't care if I do spend an hour with +you.” And with that they sallied forth. + +After rambling about for some time in the vicinity of +Tottenham Court Road, shewing him some of the Squares, &c. +describing the names of streets, squares, and buildings, +they approached St. Giles's, and leading him under a +gateway, “Stop, (said one) we must call upon Jack, you know, +for old acquaintance sake,” and gave a loud knock at the +door; which being opened without a word, they all walked in, +and the door was instantly lock'd. He was now introduced to +a man of squalid appearance, with whom they all shook hands: +the mode of introduction was not however of so satis-factory +a description as had been expected, being very laconic, and +conveyed in the following language:—“We have got him.” + +“Yes, yes, it is all right—come, Jack, serve us out some +grog, and then to business.” + +The poor Comedian in the mean time was left in the utmost +anxiety and surprise to form an opinion of his situation; +for as he had heard something about trepanning, pressing, +&c. he could not help entertaining serious suspicion that he +should either be com-pelled to serve as a soldier or a +sailor; and as he had no intention “to gain a name in arms,” + they were neither of them suitable to his inclinations. + +“Come,” (said one) walk up stairs and sit down—Jack, bring +the lush “—and up stairs they went. + +Upon entering a gloomy room, somewhat large, with only a +small candle, he had not much opportunity of discovering +what sort of a place it was, though it looked wretched +enough. The grog was brought—“Here's all round the grave- +stone, (said one)—come, drink away, my hearty—don't be +alarm'd, we are rum fellows, and we'll put you up to a rig +or two—we are got a rum covey in the corner there, and you +must lend us a hand to get rid of him:” then, holding up the +light, what was the surprise of the poor Comedian to espy a +dead body of a man—“You can help us to get him away, and +by G——you shall, too, it's of no use to flinch now.” + +A circumstance of this kind was new to him, so that his +perplexity was only increased by the discovery; but he +plainly perceived by the last declaration, that having +engaged in the business, it would be of no use to leave it +half done: he therefore remained silent upon the subject, +drank his grog, when Jack came up stairs to say the cart was +ready. + +“Lend a hand, (said one of them) let us get our load down +stairs—come, my Master, turn to with a good heart, all's +right.” + +With this the body was conveyed down stairs. + +At the back of the house was a small yard separated from a +neighbouring street by a wall—a signal was given by some +one on the other side which was understood by those within— +it was approaching nine o'clock, and a dark night—“Come, +(said one of them,) mount you to the top of the wall, and +ding the covey over to the carcass-carter.” This being +complied with, the dead body was handed up to him, which was +no sooner done than the Carman outside, perceiving the +Watchman approach—“It von't do,” said he, and giving a +whistle, drove his cart with an assumed air of carelessness +away; while the poor Comedian, who had a new character to +support, in which he did not conceive himself well up,{1} +was holding the dead man on his lap with the legs projecting +over the wall; it was a situation of the utmost delicacy and +there was no time to recast the part, he was therefore, +obliged to blunder through it as well as he could; the +perspiration of the living man fell plentifully on the +features of the dead as the Charley approached in a position +to pass directly under him. Those inside had sought the +shelter of the house, telling him to remain quiet till the +old Scout was gone by. Now although he was not fully +acquainted with the consequences of discovery, he was +willing and anxious to avoid them: he therefore took the +advice, and scarcely moved or breathed—“Past nine o'clock,” + said the Watchman, as he passed under the legs of the dead +body without looking up, though he was within an inch of +having his castor brushed off by them. Being thus relieved, +he was happy to see the cart return; he handed over the +unpleasant burthen, and as quick as possible afterwards +descended from his elevated situation into the street, +determining at all hazards to see the result of this to him +extraordinary adventure; with this view he followed the cart +at a short distance, keeping his eye upon it as he went +along; and in one of the streets leading to Long Acre, he +perceived a man endeavouring to look into the back part of +the cart, but was diverted from his object by one of the men +who had introduced him to the house, while another of the +confederates snatched the body from the cart, and ran with +all speed down another street in an opposite direction. This +movement had attracted the notice of the Watchman, who, +being prompt in his movements, had sprung his rattle. Upon +this, and feeling himself too heavily laden to secure his +retreat, the fellow with the dead man perceiving the gate of +an area open, dropped his burden down the steps, slam'd the +gate after him, and continued to fly, but was stopped at the +end of the street; in the mean time the Charley in pursuit +had knock'd at the door of the house where the stolen goods +(as he supposed) were deposited. + +1 A cant phrase for money. + +It was kept by an old maiden lady, who, upon discovering the +dead body of a man upon her premises, had fainted in the +Watchman's arms. The detection of the running +Resurrectionist was followed by a walk to the watch-house, +where his companions endeavoured to make it appear that they +had all been dining at Wandsworth together, that he was not +the person against whom the hue and cry had been raised. But +<i>old Snoosey</i>{l} said it wouldn't do, and he was therefore +detained to appear before the Magistrate in the morning. The +Comedian, who had minutely watched their proceedings, took +care to be at Bow-street in good time; where he found upon +the affidavits of two of his comrades, who swore they had +dined together at Wandsworth, their pal was liberated. + +1 The Constable of the night. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[156]</span>Bob could not very well understand what +was the meaning of this lingo; he was perfectly at a loss to comprehend +the terms of deadbody snatching and the resurrection rig. The crowd +increased as they went along; and as they did not exactly relish their +company, Sparkle led. them across the way, and then proceeded to explain. +</p> +<p> +“Why,” said Sparkle, “the custom of dead-body snatching has become very +common in London, and in many cases appears to be winked at by the +Magistrates; for although it is considered a felony in law, it is also +acknowledged in some degree to be necessary for the Surgeons, in order to +have an opportunity of obtaining practical information. It is however, at +the same time, a source of no slight distress to the parents and friends +of the parties who are dragg'd from the peaceful security of the tomb. The +<i>Resurrection-men</i> are generally well rewarded for their labours by +the Surgeons who employ them to procure subjects; they are for the most +part fellows who never stick at trifles, but make a decent livelihood by +moving off, if they can, not only the bodies, but coffins, shrouds, &c. +and are always upon the look-out wherever there is a funeral—nay, +there have been instances in which the bodies have been dug from their +graves within a few hours after being deposited there.” + </p> +<p> +“It is a shameful practice,” said Bob, “and ought not to be tolerated, +however; nor can I conceive how, with the apparent vigilance of the +Police, it can be carried on.” + </p> +<p> +“Nothing more easy,” said Sparkle, “where the plan is well laid. These +fellows, when they hear a passing-bell toll, skulk about the parish from +ale-house to ale-house, till <span class="pagenum">[157]</span>they can +learn a proper account of what the deceased died of, what condition the +body is in, &c. with which account they go to a <i>Resurrection Doctor</i>, +who agrees for a price, which is mostly five guineas, for the body of a +man, and then bargain with an Undertaker for the shroud, coffin, &c. +which, perhaps with a little alteration, may serve to run through the +whole family.” + </p> +<p> +“And is it possible,” said Bob, “that there are persons who will enter +into such bargains?” + </p> +<p> +“No doubt of it; nay, there was an instance of a man really selling his +own body to a Surgeon, to be appropriated to his own purposes when dead, +for a certain weekly sum secured to him while living; but in robbing the +church-yards there are always many engaged in the rig—for notice is +generally given that the body will be removed in the night, to which the +Sexton is made privy, and receives the information with as much ease as he +did to have it brought—his price being a guinea for the use of the +<i>grubbing irons</i>, adjusting the grave, &c. This system is +generally carried on in little country church-yards within a few miles of +London. A hackney-coach or a cart is ready to receive the stolen property, +and there cannot be a doubt but many of these depredations are attended +with success, the parties escaping with their prey undetected—nay, I +know of an instance that occurred a short time back, of a young man who +was buried at Wesley's Chapel, on which occasion one of the mourners, a +little more wary than the rest, could not help observing two or three +rough fellows in the ground during the ceremony, which aroused his +suspicion that they intended after interment to have the body of his +departed friend; this idea became so strongly rooted in his mind, that he +imparted his suspicions to the remainder of those who had followed him: +himself and another therefore determined if possible to satisfy themselves +upon the point, by returning in the dusk of the evening to reconnoitre. +They accordingly proceeded to the spot, but the gates being shut, one of +them climbed to the top of the wall, where he discovered the very parties, +he had before noticed, in the act of wrenching open the coffin. Here they +are, said he, hard at it, as I expected. But before he and his friend +could get over the wall, the villains effected their escape, leaving +behind them a capacious sack and all the implements of their infernal +trade. They secured the body, had <span class="pagenum">[158]</span>it +conveyed home again, and in a few days re-buried it in a place of greater +security.{1} +</p> +<p> +Bob was surprised at this description of the <i>Resurrection-rig</i>, but +was quickly drawn from his contemplation of the depravity of human nature, +and what he could not help thinking the dirty employments of life, by a +shouting apparently from several voices as they passed the end of St. +Martin's Lane: it came from about eight persons, who appeared to be +journeymen mechanics, with pipes in their mouths, some of them rather <i>rorytorious</i>,{2} +who, as they approached, broke altogether into the following +</p> +<div class='pre'> +SONG.{3} + +“I'm a frolicsome young fellow, I live at my ease, +I work when I like, and I play when I please; +I'm frolicsome, good-natured—I'm happy and free, +And I care not a jot what the world thinks of me. + +With my bottle and glass some hours I pass, +Sometimes with my friend, and sometimes with my lass: +I'm frolicsome, good-natur'd—I'm happy and free, +And I don't care one jot what the world thinks of me. + +By the cares of the nation I'll ne'er be perplex'd, +I'm always good-natur'd, e'en though I am vex'd; +I'm frolicsome, good-humour'd—I'm happy and free, +And I don't care one d——n what the world thinks of me. + +1 A circumstance very similar to the one here narrated by +Sparkle actually occurred, and can be well authenticated. + +2 Rorytorious—Noisy. + +3 This song is not introduced for the elegance of its +composition, but as the Author has actually heard it in the +streets at the flight of night or the peep of day, sung in +full chorus, as plain as the fumes of the pipes and the +hiccups would allow the choristers at those hours to +articulate; and as it is probably the effusion of some +Shopmate in unison with the sentiments of many, it forms +part of Real Life deserving of being recorded in this Work. + +Particular trades have particular songs suitable to the +employment in which they are engaged, which while at work +the whole of the parties will join in. In Spitalfields, +Bethnal-green, &c. principally inhabited by weavers, it is +no uncommon thing to hear twenty or thirty girls singing, +with their shuttles going—The Death of Barbary Allen—There +was an old Astrologer—Mary's Dream, or Death and the Lady; +and we remember a Watch-maker who never objected to hear his +boys sing; but although he was himself a loyal subject, he +declared he could not bear God Save the King; and upon being +ask'd his reason—Why, said he, it is too slow—for as the +time goes, so the fingers move—Give us <i>Drops of Brandy</i>, +or <i>Go to the Devil and Shake Yourself</i>—then I shall have +some work done. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[159]</span>This Song, which was repeated three or +four times, was continued till their arrival at Newport-market, where the +Songsters divided: our party pursued their way through Coventry-street, +and arrived without further adventure or interruption safely at home. +Sparkle bade them adieu, and proceeded to Bond-street; and Tom and Bob +sought the repose of the pillow. +</p> +<p> +It is said that “Music hath charms to sooth the savage breast,” and it +cannot but be allowed that the <i>Yo heave ho</i>, of our Sailors, or the +sound of a fiddle, contribute much to the speed of weighing anchor. +</p> +<p> +It is an indisputable fact that there are few causes which more decidedly +form, or at least there are few evidences which more clearly indicate, the +true character of a nation, than its Songs and Ballads. It has been +observed by the learned Selden, that you may see which way the wind sets +by throwing a straw up into the air, when you cannot make the same +discovery by tossing up a stone or other weighty substance. Thus it is +with Songs and Ballads, respecting the state of public feeling, when +productions of a more elaborate nature fail in their elucidations: so much +so that it is related of a great Statesman, who was fully convinced of the +truth of the observation, that he said, “Give me the making of the +national Ballads, and I care not who frames your Laws.” Every day's +experience tends to prove the power which the <i>sphere-born</i> Sisters +of harmony, voice, and verse, have over the human mind. “I would rather,” + says Mr. Sheridan, “have written Glover's song of 'Hosier's Ghost' than +the Annals of Tacitus."<span class="pagenum">[160]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0012"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis! +Sure such a town as this was never seen; +Mayor, common councilmen, citizens and populace, +Wand'ring from Poplar to Turnham Green. + +Chapels, churches, synagogues, distilleries and county banks— +Poets, Jews and gentlemen, apothecaries, mountebanks— +There's Bethlem Hospital, and there the Picture Gallery; +And there's Sadler's Wells, and there the Court of Chancery. + +O such a town, such a wonderful Metropolis, +Sure such a town as this was never seen! +O such a town, and such a heap of carriages, +Sure such a motley group was never seen; +Such a swarm of young and old, of buryings and marriages, +All the world seems occupied in ceaseless din. + +There's the Bench, and there's the Bank—now only take a peep at her— +And there's Rag Fair, and there the East-London Theatre— +There's St. James's all so fine, St. Giles's all in tattery, +Where fun and frolic dance the rig from Saturday to Saturday. +O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis, +Sure such a town as this was never seen! +</div> +<p> +A SHORT time after this day's ramble, the Hon. Tom Dash all and his friend +Tallyho paid a visit to the celebrated Tattersall's. +</p> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0011"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page160.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page160 Tattersall's "><br> +</div> +<p> +“This,” said Tom, “is a great scene of action at times, and you will upon +some occasions find as much business done here as there is on 'Change; the +dealings however are not so fair, though the profits are larger; and if +you observe the characters and the visages of the visitants, it will be +found it is most frequently attended by Turf-Jews and Greeks.{1} Any man +indeed who dabbles in horse-dealing, must, like a gamester, be either a +rook or a pigeon; {2} for horse-dealing is a species of gambling, in which +as many +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Turf-Jews and Greeks—Gamblers at races, trotting- +matches, &c. + +2 Rooks and Pigeons are frequenters of gaming-houses: the +former signifying the successful adventurer, and the latter +the unfortunate dupe. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[161]</span>depredations are committed upon the +property of the unwary as in any other, and every one engaged in it thinks +it a meritorious act to dupe his chapman. Even noblemen and gentlemen, who +in other transactions of life are honest, will make no scruple of cheating +you in horse-dealing: nor is this to be wondered at when we consider that +the Lord and the Baronet take lessons from their grooms, jockeys, or +coachmen, and the nearer approach they can make to the appearance and +manners of their tutors, the fitter the pupils for turf-men, or gentlemen +dealers; for the school in which they learn is of such a description that +dereliction of principle is by no means surprising—fleecing each +other is an every-day practice—every one looks upon his fellow as a +bite, and young men of fashion learn how to buy and sell, from old whips, +jockeys, or rum ostlers, whose practices have put them up to every thing, +and by such ruffian preceptors are frequently taught to make three +quarters or seventy-five per cent, profit, which is called turning an +honest penny. This, though frequently practised at country fairs, &c. +by horse-jobbers, &c. is here executed with all the dexterity and art +imaginable: for instance, you have a distressed friend whom you know must +sell; you commiserate his situation, and very kindly find all manner of +faults with his horse, and buy it for half its value—you also know a +Green-horn and an extravagant fellow, to whom you sell it for twice its +value, and that is the neat thing. Again, if you have a horse you wish to +dispose of, the same school will afford you instruction how to make the +most of him, that is to say, to conceal his vices and defects, and by +proper attention to put him into condition, to alter his whole appearance +by hogging, cropping, and docking—by patching up his broken knees—blowing +gun-powder in his dim eyes—bishoping, blistering, &c. so as to +turn him out in good twig, scarcely to be known by those who have +frequently seen and noticed him: besides which, at the time of sale one of +these gentry will aid and assist your views by pointing out his +recommendations in some such observations as the following: +</p> +<p> +?There's a horse truly good and well made. +</p> +<p> +?There's the appearance of a fine woman! broad breast, round hips, and +long neck. +</p> +<p> +?There's the countenance, intrepidity, and fire of a lion. +</p> +<p> +?There's the eye, joint, and nostril of an ox. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[162]</span>'There's the nose, gentleness, and +patience of a lamb. +</p> +<p> +?There's the strength, constancy, and foot of a mule. +</p> +<p> +?There's the hair, head, and leg of a deer. +</p> +<p> +?There's the throat, neck, and hearing of a wolf. +</p> +<p> +?There's the ear, brush, and trot of a fox. +</p> +<p> +?There's the memory, sight, and turning of a serpent. +</p> +<p> +?There's the running, suppleness, and innocence of the hare. +</p> +<p> +“And if a horse sold for sound wind, limb, and eyesight, with all the +gentleness of a lamb, that a child might ride him with safety, should +afterwards break the purchaser's neck, the seller has nothing to do with +it, provided he has received the <i>bit</i>,{1} but laughs at the <i>do</i>.{2} +Nay, they will sometimes sell a horse, warranted to go as steady as ever a +horse went in harness, to a friend, assuring him at the same time that he +has not a fault of any kind—that he is good as ever shoved a head +through a horse-collar; and if he should afterwards rear up in the gig, +and overturn the driver into a ditch, shatter the concern to pieces, spill +Ma'am, and kill both her and the child of promise, the conscientious +Horse-dealer has nothing to do with all this: How could he help it? he +sold the horse for a good horse, and a good horse he was. This is all in +the way of fair dealing. Again, if a horse is sold as sound, and he prove +broken-winded, lame, or otherwise, not worth one fortieth part of the +purchase-money, still it is only a piece of jockeyship—a fair +manouvre, affording opportunities of merriment.” + </p> +<p> +“A very laudable sort of company,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“It is rather a mixed one,” replied Tom—“it is indeed a complete +mixture of all conditions, ranks, and orders of society. But let us take a +peep at some of them. Do you observe that stout fellow yonder, with a +stick in his hand? he has been a <i>Daisy-kicker</i>, and, by his arts and +contrivances having saved a little money, is now a regular dealer, and may +generally be seen here on selling days.” + </p> +<p> +“Daisy-kicker,” said Bob, “I don't comprehend the term.” + </p> +<p> +“Then I will explain,” was the reply. “Daisy-kickers are Ostlers belonging +to large inns, who are known to each other by that title, and you may +frequently hear them +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Bit—A cant term for money. + +2 Do—Any successful endeavour to over-reach another is by +these gentlemen call'd a do, meaning—so and so has been +done. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[163]</span>ask—When did you sell your +Daisy-kicker or Grogham?—for these terms are made use of among +themselves as cant for a horse. Do you also observe, he is now in close +conversation with a person who he expects will become a purchaser.” + </p> +<p> +“And who is he?” + </p> +<p> +“He is no other than a common informer, though in high life; keeps his +carriage, horses, and servants—lives in the first style—he is +shortly to be made a Consul of, and perhaps an Ambassador afterwards. The +first is to all intents and purposes a Lord of Trade, and his Excellency +nothing more than a titled spy, in the same way as a Bailiff is a follower +of the law, and a man out of livery a Knight's companion or a Nobleman's +gentleman.” + </p> +<p> +Their attention was at this moment attracted by the appearance of two +persons dressed in the extreme of fashion, who, upon meeting just by them, +caught eagerly hold of each other's hand, and they overheard the following—'Why, +Bill, how am you, my hearty?—where have you been <i>trotting your +galloper</i>?—what is you arter?—how's Harry and Ben?—haven't +seen you this blue moon.'{1} +</p> +<p> +?All tidy,' was the reply; 'Ben is getting better, and is going to sport a +new curricle, which is now building for him in Long Acre, as soon as he is +recovered.' +</p> +<p> +?Why what the devil's the matter with him, eh?' +</p> +<p> +?Nothing of any consequence, only he got mill'd a night or two ago about +his blowen—he had one of his ribs broke, sprained his right wrist, +and sports a <i>painted peeper</i>{2} upon the occasion, that's all.' +</p> +<p> +?Why you know he's no <i>bad cock</i> at the Fancy, and won't put up with +any gammon.' +</p> +<p> +?No, but he was lushy, and so he got queer'd—But I say, have you +sold your bay?' +</p> +<p> +?No, d——n me, I can't get my price.' +</p> +<p> +?Why, what is it you axes?'{3} +</p> +<p> +?Only a hundred and thirty—got by Agamemnon. Lord, it's no price at +all—cheap as dirt—But I say, Bill, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Blue moon—This is usually intended to imply a long time. + +2 Painted peeper—A black eye. + +3 Axes—Among the swell lads, and those who affect the +characters of knowing coveys, there is a common practice of +endeavouring to coin new words and new modes of expression, +evidently intended to be thought wit; and this affectation +frequently has the effect of creating a laugh. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[164]</span>how do you come on with your grey, and +the pie-bald poney?' +</p> +<p> +?All right and regular, my boy; matched the poney for a light curricle, +and I swapped{1} the grey for an entire horse—such a rum one—when +will you come and take a peep at him?—all bone, fine shape and +action, figure beyond compare—I made a rare good chop of it.' +</p> +<p> +?I'm glad to hear it; I'll make a survey, and take a ride with you the +first leisure day; but I'm full of business, no time to spare—I say, +are, you a dealer?' +</p> +<p> +?No, no, it won't do, I lost too much at the Derby—besides, I must +go and drive my Girl out—<i>Avait, that's the time of day</i>,{2} my +boys—so good by—But if you should be able to pick up a brace +of clever pointers, a prime spaniel, or a greyhound to match Smut, I'm +your man—buy for me, and all's right—price, you know, is out +of the question, I must have them if they are to be got, so look out—bid +and buy; but mind, nothing but prime will do for me—that's the time +of day, you know, d——n me—so good by—I'm off.' And +away he went. +</p> +<p> +“Some great sporting character, I suppose,” said Bob—“plenty of +money.” + </p> +<p> +“No such thing,” said Tom, drawing him on one side—“you will hardly +believe that Bill is nothing more than a Shopman to a Linen-draper, +recently discharged for malpractices; and the other has been a Waiter at a +Tavern, but is now out of place; and they are both upon the sharp look-out +to <i>gammon the flats</i>. The former obtains his present livelihood by +gambling—spends the most of his time in playing cards with <i>greenhorns</i>, +always to be picked up at low flash houses, at fairs, races, +milling-matches, &c. and is also in the holy keeping of the cast-off +mistress of a nobleman whose family he was formerly in as a <i>valet-de-chambre</i>. +The other pretends to teach sparring in the City, and occasionally has a +benefit in the Minories, Duke's Place, and the Fives Court.” + </p> +<p> +“They talk it well, however,” said Bob. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Swapp'd—Exchanged. + +2 That's the time of day—That's your sort—that's the +barber—keep moving—what am you arter—what am you up to— +there never was such times—that's the Dandy—Go along Bob, +&c. are ex-pressions that are frequently made use of by the +people of the Metropolis; and indeed fashion seems almost to +have as much to do with our language as with our dress or +manners. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[165]</span>"Words are but wind, many a proud word +comes off a weak stomach,” was the reply; “and you may almost expect not +to hear a word of truth in this place, which may be termed The Sporting +Repository—it is the grand mart for horses and for other fashionable +animals—for expensive asses, and all sorts of sporting-dogs, +town-puppies, and second-hand vehicles. Here bets are made for races and +fights—matches are made up here—bargains are struck, and +engagements entered into, with as much form, regularity, and importance, +as the progress of parliamentary proceedings—points of doubt upon +all occasions of jockeyship are decided here; and no man of fashion can be +received into what is termed polished society, without a knowledge of this +place and some of the visitors. The proceedings however are generally so +managed, that the ostlers, the jockeys, the grooms, and the dealers, come +best off, from a superiority of knowledge and presumed judgment—they +have a method of patching up deep matches to <i>diddle the dupes</i>, and +to introduce <i>throws over, doubles, double doubles</i>, to ease the +heavy pockets of their burdens. The system of puffing is also as much in +use here as among the Lottery-office Keepers, the Quack Doctors, or the +Auctioneers; and the __Knowing ones, by an understanding amongst each +other, sell their cattle almost for what they please, if it so happens +they are not immediately in want of the <i>ready</i>,{1} which, by the +way, is an article too frequently in request—and here honest poverty +is often obliged to sell at any rate, while the rich black-leg takes care +only to sell to a good advantage, making a point at the same time not only +to make the most of his cattle, but also of his friend or acquaintance.” + </p> +<p> +“Liberal and patriotic-minded men!” said Bob; “it is a noble Society, and +well worthy of cultivation.” + </p> +<p> +“It is fashionable Society, at least,” continued Tom, “and deserving of +observation, for it is fraught with instruction.” + </p> +<p> +“I think so, indeed,” was the reply; “but I really begin to suspect that I +shall scarcely have confidence to venture out alone, for there does not +appear to be any part of your wonderful Metropolis but what is infested +with some kind of shark or other.” + </p> +<p> +“It is but too true, and it is therefore the more necessary to make +yourself acquainted with them; it is rather a long lesson, but really +deserving of being learnt. You +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The ready—Money. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[166]</span>perceive what sort of company you are +now in, as far as may be judged from their appearances; but they are not +to be trusted, for I doubt not but you would form erroneous conclusions +from such premises. The company that assembles here is generally composed +of a great variety of characters—the Idler, the Swindler, the Dandy, +the Exquisite, the full-pursed young Peer, the needy Sharper, the gaudy +Pauper, and the aspiring School-boy, anxious to be thought a dealer and a +judge of the article before him—looking at a horse with an air of +importance and assumed intelligence, bidding with a trembling voice and +palpitating heart, lest it should be knock'd down to him. Do you see that +dashing fellow nearly opposite to us, in the green frock-coat, top-boots, +and spurs?—do you mark how he nourishes his whip, and how familiar +he seems to be with the knowing old covey in brown?” + </p> +<p> +“Yes; I suppose he is a dealer.” + </p> +<p> +“You are right, he is a dealer, but it is in man's flesh, not horse flesh: +he is a <i>Bum trap</i>{1} in search of some friend +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Bum trap—A term pretty generally in use to denominate a +Bailiff or his follower—they are also called Body- +snatchers. The ways and means made use of by these gentry to +make their captions are innumerable: they visit all places, +assume all characters, and try all stratagems, to secure +their friends, in order that they may have an opportunity of +obliging them, which they have a happy facility in doing, +provided the party can <i>bleed free</i>.* Among others, the +following are curious facts: + +A Gentleman, who laboured under some peculiar difficulties, +found it desirable for the sake of his health to retire into +the country, where he secluded himself pretty closely from +the vigilant anxieties of his friends, who were in search of +him and had made several fruitless attempts to obtain an +interview. The Traps having ascertained the place of his +retreat, from which it appeared that nothing but stratagem +could draw him, a knowing old snatch determined to effect +his purpose, and succeeded in the following manner: + +One day as the Gentleman came to his window, he discovered a +man, seemingly in great agitation, passing and re-passing; +at length, however, he stopped suddenly, and with a great +deal of attention fixed his eyes upon a tree which stood +nearly opposite to the window. In a few minutes he returned +to it, pulled out a book, in which he read for a few +minutes, and then drew forth a rope from his pocket, with +which he suspended himself from the tree. The Gentleman, +eager to save the life of a fellow-creature, ran out and cut +him down. This was scarcely accomplished, before he found +the man whom he had rescued (as he thought) from death, +slapp'd him on the shoulder, informed him that he was his +prisoner, and in return robbed him of his liberty! + +Another of these gentry assumed the character of a poor +cripple, and stationed himself as a beggar, sweeping the +crossing near the habitation of his shy cock, who, +conceiving himself safe after three days voluntary +imprisonment, was seized by the supposed Beggar, who threw +away his broom to secure his man. + +Yet, notwithstanding the many artifices to which this +profession is obliged to conform itself, it must be +acknowledged there are many of them who have hearts that +would do honour to more exalted situations; especially when +we reflect, that in general, whatever illiberality or +invective may be cast upon them, they rarely if at all +oppress those who are in their custody, and that they +frequently endeavour to compromise for the Debtor, or at +least recommend the Creditor to accept of those terms which +can be complied with. + +* Bleed free— +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[167]</span>or other, with a writ in his pocket. +These fellows have some protean qualities about them, and, as occasion +requires, assume all shapes for the purpose of taking care of their +customers; they are however a sort of necessary evil. The old one in brown +is a well-known dealer, a deep old file, and knows every one around him—he +is up to the sharps, down upon the flats, and not to be done. But in +looking round you may perceive men booted and spurred, who perhaps never +crossed a horse, and some with whips in their hands who deserve it on +their backs—they hum lively airs, whistle and strut about with their +quizzing-glasses in their hands, playing a tattoo upon their boots, and +shewing themselves off with as many airs as if they were real actors +engaged in the farce, that is to say, the buyers and sellers; when in +truth they are nothing but loungers in search of employment, who may +perhaps have to count the trees in the Park for a dinner without +satisfying the cravings of nature, dining as it is termed with Duke +Humphrey—others, perhaps, who have arrived in safety, are almost +afraid to venture into the streets again, lest they should encounter those +foes to liberty, John Doe and Richard Roe.” + </p> +<p> +?If I do, may I be——' The remainder of the sentence was lost, +by the speaker removing in conversation with another, when Tom turn'd +round. +</p> +<p> +“O,” said Tom, “I thought I knew who it was—that is one of the +greatest reprobates in conversation that I ever met with.” + </p> +<p> +“And who is he?” + </p> +<p> +“Why, I'll give you a brief sketch of him,” continued Dashall: “It is +said, and I fancy pretty well known, <span class="pagenum">[168]</span>that +he has retired upon a small property, how acquired or accumulated I cannot +say; but he has married a Bar-maid of very beautiful features and elegant +form: having been brought up to the bar, she is not unaccustomed to +confinement; but he has made her an absolute prisoner, for he shuts her up +as closely as if she were in a monastery—he never dines at home, and +she is left in complete solitude. He thinks his game all safe, but she has +sometimes escaped the vigilance of her gaoler, and has been seen at places +distant from home.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It is related of this gentleman, whose severity and +vigilance were so harshly spoken of, that one day at table, +a dashing young Military Officer, who, while he was +circulating the bottle, was boasting among his dissipated +friends of his dexterity in conducting the wars of Venus, +that he had a short time back met one of the most lovely +creatures he ever saw, in the King's Road; but he had +learned that her husband so strictly confined and watched +her, that there was no possibility of his being admitted to +her at any hour. + +“Behave handsome, and I'll put you in possession of a gun +that shall bring the game down in spite of locks, bolts and +bars, or even the vigilance of the eyes of Argus himself.” + +“How? d——me if I don't stand a ten pound note.” + +“How! why easy enough; I've a plan that cannot but succeed— +down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme.” + +No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound +note. + +“Now,” said the hoary old sinner, little suspecting that he +was to be the dupe of his own artifice: “You get the husband +invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your +friends: You assume the dress of a Postman—give a +thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the +arrival of some important visitor or official communication; +and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her +company is necessary to your existence—that life is a +burden without her—tell her, you know her husband is +engaged, and can't come—that he is dining out with some +jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours—fall +at her feet, and say that, having obtained the interview, +you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must +be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way +to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is plann'd, +the day's your own.” + +“Bravo, bravo!” echoed from every one present. + +It was a high thing—the breach thus made, the horn-work was +soon to be carried, and there could be no doubt of a safe +lodgement in the covert-way. + +The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in +Chelsea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry +particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c. +he acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were +agreed upon, and it was deter-mined that the maid-servant, +who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be +dispatched to some house in the neighbour-hood to procure +change, while the man of letters was to be let in and +concealed; and upon her return it was to be stated that the +Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call +again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder +from the window as soon as the old one should be heard upon +the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a +late hour, when he was drunk. + +The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance dined out, +and expected to meet the Colonel; but being disappointed, +and suspicious at all times, for + +“Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,” + +The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved +ineffectual; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could +not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that +some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be +played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired +early. + +His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was +fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest +the servant's suspicions should be aroused. In the mean +time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained +no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very +late hour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and +annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door, +and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first +slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric +matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he +entered the apartment; when, what was the surprise and +astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their +situation! + +The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he +would have satisfaction! that he would commence a civil +suit! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by +half, and was in fact more than he expected;—reminded him +of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting +his amours;—informed him he had performed the character +recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost +choked with rage; but perceiving he had spread a snare for +himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, while the lover +bolted, wishing him a good night, and singing, “Locks, +bolts, and bars, I defy you,” as an admirable lesson in +return for the blustering manner in which he had received +information of the success of his own scheme. +</div> +<p> +“Mr. C—— on the opposite side is a Money-procurer or lender, a +very accommodating sort of person, who négociâtes meetings and engagements +between young borrowers, who care not what they pay for money, and old +lenders, who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interest +for their loans. He is a venerable looking man, and is known to most of +the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in a certain +kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, and was taken +particular notice of by Lord G——, <span class="pagenum">[170]</span>and +indeed by all the turf. He lived a gay and fashionable life, soon run out +his fortune, and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. +He is an excellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjects +his advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among the +generality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At the same +time it ought to be observed, that among the various characters which +infest and injure society, perhaps there are few more practised in guilt, +fraud, and deceit, than the Money-lenders. +</p> +<p> +“They advertise to procure large sums of money to assist those under +pecuniary embarrassment. They generally reside in obscure situations, and +are to be found by anonymous signatures, such as A. B. I. R. D. V. &c. +They chiefly prey upon young men of property, who have lost their money at +play, horse-racing, betting, &c. or other expensive amusements, and +are obliged to raise more upon any terms until their rents or incomes +become payable: or such as have fortunes in prospect, as being heirs +apparent to estates, but who require assistance in the mean time. +</p> +<p> +“These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimate responsibility +of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in his eager pursuit of +criminal pleasures, and under the influence of those allurements, which +the various places of fashionable resort hold out; and seldom fail to +obtain from them securities and obligations for large sums; upon the +credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usurious interest, to borrow +money or discount bills, and thus supply their unfortunate customers upon +the most extravagant terms. +</p> +<p> +“There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds, +title-deeds, and other specialties, or tipon the bond of the parties +having property in reversion. By these and other devices, large sums of +money are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipated and +the thoughtless; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed upon them as +long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utter ruin to +acts of desperation or the commission of crimes. +</p> +<p> +“It generally happens upon application to the advertising party, that he, +like Moses in <i>The School for Scandal</i>, is not really in possession +of any money himself, but then he knows where and how to procure it from a +very <span class="pagenum">[171]</span>unconscionable dog, who may, +perhaps, not be satisfied with the security ottered; yet, if you have +Bills at any reasonable date, he could get them discounted. If you should +suffer yourself to be trick'd out of any Bills, he will contrive, in some +way or other, to negotiate them—not, as he professes, for you, but +for himself and his colleagues; and, very likely, after you have been at +the additional expense of commencing a suit at law against them, they have +disappeared, and are in the King's Bench or the Fleet, waiting there to +defraud you of every hope and expectation, by obtaining their liberty +through the White-washing Act. +</p> +<p> +“These gentry are for the most part Attorneys or Pettifoggers, or closely +connected with such; and notwithstanding all legal provisions to preclude +them from exacting large sums, either for their agency and introduction, +or for the bonds which they draw, yet they contrive to bring themselves +home, and escape detection, by some such means as the following: +</p> +<p> +“They pretend that it is necessary to have a deed drawn up to explain the +uses of the Annuity-bond, which the grantor of the money, who is some +usurious villain, immediately acknowledges and accedes to; for +</p> +<p> +“The bond that signs the mortgage pays the shot; so that an Act which is +fraught with the best purposes for the protection of the honest, but +unfortunate, is in this manner subjected to the grossest chicanery of +pettifoggers and pretenders, and the vilest evasions of quirking low +villains of the law. +</p> +<p> +“There is also another species of money-lender, not inaptly termed the +Female Banker. These accommodate Barrow-women and others, who sell fruit, +vegetables, &c. in the public streets, with five shillings a day (the +usual diurnal stock in such cases;) for the use of which for twelve hours +they obtain the moderate premium of sixpence when the money is returned in +the evening, receiving at this rate about seven pounds ten shillings per +year for every five pounds they can so employ. It is however very +difficult to convince the borrowers of the correctness of this +calculation, and of the serious loss to which they subject themselves by a +continuation of the system, since it is evident that this improvident and +dissolute class of people have no other idea than that of making the day +and the way alike long. Their profits <span class="pagenum">[172]</span>(often +considerably augmented by dealing in base money as well as the articles +which they sell) seldom last over the day; for they never fail to have a +luxurious dinner and a hot supper, with a plentiful supply of gin and +porter: looking in general no farther than to keep the whole original +stock with the sixpence interest, which is paid over to the female Banker +in the evening, and a new loan obtained on the following morning to go to +market, and to be disposed of in the same way. +</p> +<p> +“In contemplating this curious system of banking, or money lending +(trifling as it may appear,) it is almost impossible not to be forcibly +struck with the immense profits that are derived from it. It is only +necessary for one of these sharpers to possess a capital of seventy +shillings, or three pounds ten shillings, with fourteen steady and regular +customers, in order to realize an income of one hundred guineas per year! +So true it is, that one half of the world do not know how the other half +live; for there are thousands who cannot have the least conception of the +existence of such facts. +</p> +<p> +“Here comes a <i>Buck of the first cut</i>, one who pretends to know every +thing and every body, but thinks of nobody but himself, and of that self +in reality knows nothing. +</p> +<p> +Captain P——is acknowledged by all his acquaintance to be one +of the best fellows in the world, and to beat every one at slang, but U——y +and A——se. He is the terror of the Charleys, and of the poor +unfortunate roofless nightly wanderers in the streets. You perceive his +long white hair, and by no means engaging features. Yet he has vanity +enough to think himself handsome, and that he is taken notice of on that +account; when the attractions he presents are really such as excite wonder +and surprise, mingled with disgust; yet he contemplates his figure in the +looking-glass with self satisfaction, and asks the frail ones, with a +tremulous voice, if, so help them——he is not a good-looking +fellow 1 and they, knowing their customer, of course do not fail to reply +in the affirmative. +</p> +<p> +“He is a well known leg, and is no doubt present on this occasion to bet +upon the ensuing Epsom races; by the bye his losses have been very +considerable in that way. He has also at all times been a dupe to the sex. +It is said that Susan B——, a dashing Cyprian, eased his purse +of a £500 bill, and whilst he was dancing in pursuit of her, she was +dancing to the tune of a Fife; a clear proof she <span class="pagenum">[173]</span>had +an ear for music as well as an eye to business. But I believe it was +played in a different Key to what he expected; whether it was a minor Key +or not I cannot exactly say. +</p> +<p> +“At a ball or assembly he conceives himself quite at home, satisfied that +he is the admiration of the whole of the company present; and were he to +give an account of himself, it would most likely be in substance nearly as +follows: +</p> +<p> +“When I enter the room, what a whisp'ring is heard; My rivals, astonish'd, +scarce utter a word; “How charming! (cry all; ) how enchanting a fellow! +How neat are those small-clothes, how killingly yellow. Not for worlds +would I honour these plebs with a smile, Tho' bursting with pride and +delight all the while; So I turn to my cronies (a much honour'd few,); +Crying, “S—z—m, how goes it?—Ah, Duchess, how do? Ton my +life, yonder's B—uf, and Br—ke, and A—g—le, S-ff—d, +W—tm—1—d, L—n, and old codger C—ri—le.” + Now tho', from this style of address, it appears That these folks I have +known for at least fifty years, The fact is, my friends, that I scarcely +know one, A mere “façon de parler,” the way of the ton. What tho' they +dislike it, I answer my ends, Country gentlemen stare, and suppose them my +friends. +</p> +<p> +But my beautiful taste (as indeed you will guess) Is manifest most in my +toilet and dress; My neckcloth of course forms my principal care, For by +that we criterions of elegance swear, And costs me each morning some hours +of flurry, To make it appear to be tied in a hurry. My boot-tops, those +unerring marks of a blade, With Champagne are polish'd, and peach +marmalade; And a violet coat, closely copied from B—ng, With a +cluster of seals, and a large diamond ring; And troisièmes of buckskin, +bewitchingly large, Give the finishing stroke to the “<i>parfait ouvrage</i>.” + </p> +<p> +During this animated description of the gay personage alluded to, Bob had +listened with the most undeviating attention, keeping his eye all the time +on this extravagant piece of elegance and fashion, but could not help +bursting into an immoderate fit of laughter at its conclusion. In the mean +time the crowd of visitors had continued to increase; all appeared to be +bustle and confusion; small parties were seen in groups communicating +together in different places, and every face appeared to be animated by +hopes or fears. Dashall was exchanging familiar <span class="pagenum">[174]</span>nods +and winks with those whom lie knew; but as their object was not to buy, +they paid but little attention to the sales of the day, rather contenting +themselves with a view of the human cattle by which they were surrounded, +when they were pleasingly surprised to observe their friend Sparkle enter, +booted and spurred. +</p> +<p> +“Just the thing! (said Sparkle,) I had some suspicion of finding you here. +Are you buyers? Does your Cousin want a horse, an ass, or a filly?” + </p> +<p> +Tom smiled; “Always upon the ramble, eh, Sparkle. Why ask such questions? +You know we are well horsed; but I suppose if the truth was known, you are +<i>prad</i> sellers; if so, shew your article, and name your price.” + </p> +<p> +“Apropos,” said Sparkle; “Here is a friend of mine, to whom I must +introduce you, so say no more about articles and prices—I have an +article in view above all price—excuse me.” And with this he made +his way among the tribe of Jockeys, Sharpers, and Blacklegs, and in a +minute returned, bringing with him a well-dressed young man, whose manners +and appearance indicated the Gentleman, and whose company was considered +by Tom and his Cousin as a valuable acquisition. +</p> +<p> +“Mr. Richard Mortimer,” said Sparkle, as he introduced his friend—“the +Hon. Mr. Dashall, and Mr. Robert Tallyho.” + </p> +<p> +After the mutual interchanges of politeness which naturally succeeded this +introduction—“Come,” said Sparkle, “we are horsed, and our nags +waiting—we are for a ride, which way do you bend your course?” + </p> +<p> +“A lucky meeting,” replied Tom; “for we are upon the same scent; I expect +my curricle at Hyde-Park Corner in ten minutes, and have no particular +line of destination.” + </p> +<p> +“Good,” said Sparkle; “then we may hope to have your company; and how +disposed for the evening?” + </p> +<p> +“Even as chance may direct.” + </p> +<p> +“Good, again—all right—then as you are neither buyers nor +sellers, let us employ the remaining ten minutes in looking around us—there +is nothing to attract here—Epsom Races are all the talk, and all of +business that is doing—come along, let us walk through the Park—let +the horses meet us at Kensington Gate, and then for a twist among the +briers and brambles.” + </p> +<p> +This was readily agreed to: orders were given to the servants, and the +party proceeded towards the Park.<span class="pagenum">[175]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0013"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +What is Bon Ton? Oh d—— me (cries a Buck, +Half drunk, ) ask me, my dear, and you're in luck: +Bon Ton's to swear, break windows, beat the Watch, +Pick up a wench, drink healths, and roar a catch. +Keep it up, keep it up! d—— me, take your swing— +Bon Ton is Life, my boy! Bon Ton's the thing! +“Ah, I loves Life and all the joys it yields— +(Says Madam Fussock. warm from Spitalfields; ) +Bon Ton's the space 'twixt Saturday and Monday, +And riding out in one-horse shay o' Sunday; +?Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons +At Bagnigge Wells, with china and gilt spoons; +?Tis laying by our stuffs, red cloaks and pattens, +To dance cowtillions all in silks and satins.” + “Vulgar! (cries Miss) observe in higher Life +The feather'd spinster and three feather'd wife; +The Club's Bon Ton—Bon Ton's a constant trade +Of rout, festino, ball and masquerade; +?Tis plays and puppet shows—'tis something new— +?Tis losing thousands every night at loo; +Nature it thwarts, and contradicts all reason; +?Tis stiff French stays, and fruit when out of season, +A rose, when half a guinea is the price; +A set of bays scarce bigger than six mice; +To visit friends you never wish to see— +Marriage 'twixt those who never can agree; +Old dowagers, dress'd, painted, patch'd and curl'd— +This is Bon Ton, and this we call the World! +</div> +<p> +AS they passed through the gate, Tom observed it was rather too early to +expect much company. “Never mind,” said Sparkle, “we are company enough +among ourselves; the morning is fine, the curricle not arrived, and we +shall find plenty of conversation, if we do not discover interesting +character, to diversify our promenade. Travelling spoils conversation, +unless you are squeezed like an Egyptian mummy into a stage or a +mail-coach; and perhaps in that case you may meet with animals who have +voices, without possessing the power of intellect to direct them to any +useful or agreeable purpose.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[176]</span>Tallyho, who was at all times delighted +with Sparkle's descriptions of society and manners, appeared pleased with +the proposition. +</p> +<p> +“Your absence from town,” continued Sparkle, addressing himself to +Dashall, “has prevented my introduction of Mr. Mortimer before, though you +have heard me mention his Sister. They are now inhabitants of our own +sphere of action, and I trust we shall all become better known to each +other.” + </p> +<p> +This piece of information appeared to be truly acceptable to all parties. +Young Mortimer was a good-looking and well made young man; his features +were animated and intelligent; his manners polished, though not quite so +unrestrained as those which are to be acquired by an acquaintance with +metropolitan associations. +</p> +<p> +“I am happy,” said he, “to be introduced to any friends of your's, and +shall be proud to number them among mine.” + </p> +<p> +“You may,” replied Sparkle, “with great safety place them on your list; +though you know I have already made it appear to you that friendship is a +term more generally made use of than understood in London— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“For what is Friendship but a name, +A charm which lulls to sleep, +A shade that follows wealth and fame, +And leaves the wretch to weep? + +And Love is still an emptier sound, +The modern fair one's jest; +On earth unseen, or only found +To warm the turtle's nest.” + </div> +<p> +“These sentiments are excellently expressed,” said Tom, pinching him by +the arm—“and I suppose in perfect consonance with your own?” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle felt 'the rebuke, look'd down, and seem'd confused; but in a +moment recovering himself, +</p> +<p> +“Not exactly so,” replied he; “but then you know, and I don't mind +confessing it among friends, though you are aware it is very unfashionable +to acknowledge the existence of any thing of the kind, I am a pupil of +nature.” + </p> +<p> +“You seem to be in a serious humour all at once,” said young Mortimer. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[177]</span>"Can't help it,” continued Sparkle—“for, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Let them all say what they will, +Nature will be nature still.” + </div> +<p> +“And that usurper, or I should rather say, would be usurper, Fashion, is +in no way in alliance with our natures. I remember the old Duchess of +Marlborough used to say 'That to love some persons very much, and to see +often those we love, is the greatest happiness I can enjoy;' but it +appears almost impossible for any person in London to secure such an +enjoyment, and I can't help feeling it.” + </p> +<p> +By the look and manner with which this last sentiment was uttered, Tom +plainly discovered there was a something labouring at his heart which +prompted it. “Moralizing!” said he. “Ah, Charley, you are a happy fellow. +I never yet knew one who could so rapidly change '<i>from grave to gay, +from lively to severe</i>; and for the benefit of our friends, I can't +help thinking you could further elucidate the very subject you have so +feelingly introduced.” + </p> +<p> +“You are a quiz” said Sparkle; “but there is one thing to be said, I know +you, and have no great objection to your hits now and then, provided they +are not knock down blows.” + </p> +<p> +“But,” said Mortimer, “what has this to do with friendship and love? I +thought you were going to give something like a London definition of the +terms.” + </p> +<p> +“Why,” said Sparkle, “in London it is equally difficult to get to love any +body very much, or often to meet those that we love. There are such +numbers of acquaintances, such a constant succession of engagements of one +sort or other, such a round of delights, that the town resembles Vauxhall, +where the nearest and dearest friends may walk round and round all night +without once meeting: for instance, at dinner you should see a person +whose manners and conversation are agreeable and pleasing to you; you may +wish in vain to become more intimate, for the chance is, that you will not +meet so as to converse a second time for many months; for no one can tell +when the dice-box of society may turn up the same numbers again. I do not +mean to infer that you may not barely see the same features again; it is +possible that you may catch a glimpse of them on the opposite side of Pall +<span class="pagenum">[178]</span>Mall or Bond-street, or see them near to +you at a crowded rout, without a possibility of approaching. +</p> +<p> +“It is from this cause, that those who live in London are so totally +indifferent to each other; the waves follow so quick, that every vacancy +is immediately filled up, and the want is not perceived. The well-bred +civility of modern times, and the example of some 'very popular people,' +it is true, have introduced a shaking of hands, a pretended warmth, a +dissembled cordiality, into the manners of the cold and warm, alike the +dear friend and the acquaintance of yesterday. Consequently we continually +hear such conversation as the following:—' Ah, how d'ye do? I'm +delighted to see you! How is Mrs. M——?' +</p> +<p> +?She's very well, thank you.' 'Has she any increase in family?' 'Any +increase! why I've only been married three months. I see you are talking +of my former wife: bless you, she has been dead these three years.'—Or, +?Ah, my dear friend, how d'ye do? You have been out of town some time; +where have you been? In Norfolk?' 'No, I have been two years in India.'” + </p> +<p> +This description of a friendly salutation appeared to interest and amuse +both Talltho and Mortimer. Tom laughed, shrugg'd up his shoulders, +acknowledged the picture was too true, and Sparkle continued. +</p> +<p> +“And thus it is, that, ignorant of one another's interests and +occupations, the generality of friendships of London contain nothing more +tender than a visiting card: nor are they much better, indeed they are +much worse, if you renounce the world, and determine to live only with +your relations and nearest connexions; for if you go to see them at one +o'clock, they are not stirring; at two, the room is full of different +acquaintances, who talk over the occurrences of the last night's ball, +and, of course, are paid more attention to than yourself; at three, they +are out shopping; at four, they are in this place dashing among the Pinks, +from which they do not return till seven, then they are dressing; at +eight, they are dining with two dozen friends; at nine and ten the same; +at eleven, they are dressing for the ball; and at twelve, when you are +retiring to rest, they are gone into society for the evening: so that you +are left in solitude; you soon begin again to try the world—and we +will endeavour to discover what it produces. +</p> +<p> +“The first inconvenience of a London Life is the late <span class="pagenum">[179]</span>hour +of a fashionable dinner. To pass the day in fasting, and then sit down to +a great dinner at eight o'clock, is entirely against the first dictates of +common sense and common stomachs. But what is to be done? he who rails +against the fashion of the times will be considered a most unfashionable +dog, and perhaps I have already said more than sufficient to entitle me to +that appellation.” + </p> +<p> +“Don't turn <i>King's Evidence</i> against yourself,” said Tom; “for, if +you plead guilty in this happy country, you must be tried by your Peers.” + </p> +<p> +“Nay,” said Mortimer, “while fashion and reason appear to be in such +direct opposition to each other, I must confess their merits deserve to be +impartially tried; though I cannot, for one moment, doubt but the latter +must ultimately prevail with the generality, however her dictates may be +disregarded by the votaries of the former.” + </p> +<p> +“You are a good one at a ramble” said Tom, “and not a bad one in a spree, +but I cannot help thinking you are rambling out of your road; you seem to +have lost the thread of your subject, and, having been disappointed with +love and friendship, you are just going to sit down to dinner.” + </p> +<p> +“Pardon me,” replied Sparkle, “I was proceeding naturally, and not +fashionably, to my subject; but I know you are so great an admirer of the +latter, that you care but little about the former.” + </p> +<p> +“Hit for hit,” said Tom; “but go on—you are certainly growing old, +Sparkle; at all events, you appear very grave this morning, and if you +continue in this humour long, I shall expect you are about taking Orders.” + </p> +<p> +“There is a time for all things, but the time for that has not yet +arrived.” + </p> +<p> +“Well, then, proceed without sermonizing.” + </p> +<p> +“I don't like to be interrupted,” replied Sparkle; “and there is yet much +to be said on the subject. I find there are many difficulties to encounter +in contending with the fashionable customs. Some learned persons have +endeavoured to support the practice of late dinners by precedent, and +quoted the Roman supper; but it ought to be recollected that those suppers +were at three o'clock in the afternoon, and should be a subject of +contempt, instead of imitation, in Grosvenor Square. Women, <span +class="pagenum">[180]</span>however, are not quite so irrational as men, +in London, for they generally sit down to a substantial lunch about three +or four; if men would do the same, the meal at eight might be relieved of +many of its weighty dishes, and conversation would be a gainer by it; for +it must be allowed on all hands, that conversation suffers great +interruption from the manner in which fashionable dinners are managed. +First, the host and hostess (or her unfortunate coadjutor) are employed +during three parts of the dinner in doing the work of servants, helping +fish, or carving venison to twenty hungry guests, to the total loss of the +host's powers of amusement, and the entire disfigurement of the fair +hostess's face. Again, much time is lost by the attention every one is +obliged to pay, in order to find out (which, by the way, he cannot do if +he is short-sighted) what dishes are at the extreme end of the table; and +if a guest is desirous of a glass of wine, he must peep through the +Apollos and Cupids of the plateau, in order to find some one to take it +with; otherwise he is compelled to wait till some one asks him, which will +probably happen in succession; so that after having had no wine for half +an hour, he will have to swallow five glasses in five minutes. Convenience +teaches, that the best manner of enjoying society at dinner, is to leave +every thing to the servants that servants can do; so that no farther +trouble may be experienced than to accept the dishes that are presented, +and to drink at your own time the wines which are handed round. A +fashionable dinner, on the contrary, seems to presume beforehand on the +silence, dulness, and insipidity of the guests, and to have provided +little interruptions, like the jerks which the Chaplain gives to the +Archbishop to prevent his going to sleep during a sermon.” + </p> +<p> +“Accurate descriptions, as usual,” said Tom, “and highly amusing.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho and Mortimer were intent upon hearing the remainder of Sparkle's +account, though they occasionally joined in the laugh, and observed that +Sparkle seemed to be in a very sentimental mood. As they continued to walk +on, he resumed— +</p> +<p> +“Well then, some time after dinner comes the hour for the ball, or rout; +but this is sooner said than done: it often requires as much time to go +from St. James's Square to Cleveland Row, as to go from London to +Hounslow. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[181]</span>It would require volumes to describe the +disappointment which occurs on arriving in the brilliant mob of a +ball-room. Sometimes, as it has been before said, a friend is seen +squeezed like yourself, at the other end of the room, without a +possibility of your communicating, except by signs; and as the whole +arrangement of the society is regulated by mechanical pressure, you may +happen to be pushed against those to whom you do not wish to speak, +whether bores, slight acquaintances, or determined enemies. Confined by +the crowd, stifled by the heat, dazzled by the light, all powers of +intellect are obscured; wit loses its point, and sagacity its observation; +indeed, the limbs are so crushed, and the tongue so parched, that, except +particularly undressed ladies, all are in the case of the traveller, Mr. +Clarke, when he says, that in the plains of Syria some might blame him for +not making moral reflections on the state of the country; but that he must +own that the heat quite deprived him of all power of thought. Hence it is, +that the conversation you hear around you is generally nothing more than—“Have +you been here long?—Have you been at Mrs. H——'s?—Are +you going to Lady D——'s?”—Hence too, +</p> +<p> +Madam de Staël said very justly to an Englishman, “Dans vos routes le +corps fait plus de frai que l'esprit.” But even if there are persons of a +constitution robust enough to talk, they dare not do so, when twenty heads +are forced into the compass of one square foot; nay, even if, to your +great delight, you see a person to whom you have much to say, and by fair +means or foul, elbows and toes, knees and shoulders, have got near him, he +often dismisses you with shaking you by the hand, and saying—My dear +Mr.—— how do you do? and then continues a conversation with a +person whose ear is three inches nearer. At one o'clock, however, the +crowd diminishes; and if you are not tired by the five or six hours of +playing at company, which you have already had, you may be very +comfortable for the rest of the evening. This however is the round of +fashionable company. But I begin to be tired even of the description.” + </p> +<p> +“A very luminous and comprehensive view of fashionable society however,” + said Tom, “sketched by a natural hand in glowing colours, though not +exactly in the usual style. I shall not venture to assert whether the +subjects are well chosen, but the figures are well grouped, and <span +class="pagenum">[182]</span>display considerable ability and lively +imagination in the painter, though a little confused.” + </p> +<p> +“It appears to be a study from nature,” said Mortimer. +</p> +<p> +“At least,” continued Sparkle, “it is a study from Real Life, and +delineates the London manners; for although I have been a mingler in the +gaieties and varieties of a London Life, I have always held the same +opinions with respect to the propriety of the manners and customs adopted, +and have endeavoured to read as I ran; and it cannot be denied, that, in +the eye of fashion, nothing can be more amiable than to deviate, or at +least to affect a deviation, from nature, for to speak or act according to +her dictates, would be considered vulgar and common-place in the last +degree; to hear a story and not express an emotion you do not feel, +perfectly rude and unmannerly, and among the ladies particularly. To move +and think as the heart feels inclined, are offences against politeness +that no person can ever in honour or delicacy forgive.” + </p> +<p> +“Come, come,” said Tom, “don't you be so hard on the blessings of Life— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“For who, that knows the thrilling touch +Which Woman's love can give, +Would wish to live for aught so much, +As bid those beauties live? + +For what is life, which all so prize, +And all who live approve, +Without the fire of Woman's eyes, +To bid man live and love?” + </div> +<p> +Sparkle affected to laugh, appeared confused, and look'd down for a few +moments, and they walk'd on in silence. +</p> +<p> +“I perceive,” said Tom, “how the matter stands—well, I shall not be +a tormentor—but remember I expect an introduction to the fair +enslaver. I thought you 'defy'd the mighty conqueror of hearts,' and +resolved to be free.” + </p> +<p> +“Resolutions, as well as promises, are easily made,” said Sparkle, “but +not always so easily accomplished or performed—nor are you always +accurate in your conceptions of circumstances; but no matter, your voyages +are always made in search of discoveries, and, in spite of your +resolutions, <span class="pagenum">[183]</span>you may perchance be +entrapp'd. But no more of this; I perceive your raillery is directed to +me, and I hope you enjoy it.” + </p> +<p> +“Faith,” replied Tom, “you know I always enjoy your company, but I don't +recollect to have found you in so prosing a humour before—Pray, +which way are you directing your coursel?” + </p> +<p> +During the latter part of this conversation, Bob and young Mortimer were +employed in admiring the fine piece of water which presented itself to +their notice in the Serpentine River. +</p> +<p> +“Merely for a ride,” was the reply; “any way you please, to pass away the +time.” + </p> +<p> +“Mighty cavalier, truly,” said Tom; “but come, here we are at Kensington, +let us mount, and away.” + </p> +<p> +“Remember, I expect you and Mr. Tallyho to accompany me in the evening to +a family-party. I have already stated my intention, and you are both +expected.” + </p> +<p> +“Upon these terms then, I am your man, and I think I may answer for my +Cousin.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they were at the gate, where, finding the curricle and the +nags all in readiness, Sparkle and Mortimer were soon horsed, and Tom and +Bob seated in the curricle. They proceeded to Richmond, taking surveys of +the scenery on the road, and discoursing on the usual topics of such a +journey, which being foreign to the professed intention of this work, are +omitted. Suffice it to say they returned refreshed from the excursion, and +parted with a promise to meet again at nine o'clock, in Grosvenor Square. +</p> +<p> +“Egad!” said Dashall, as they entered the diningroom, “there is something +very mysterious in all this. Sparkle has hitherto been the life and soul +of society: he seems to be deeply smitten with this young Lady, Miss +Mortimer, and promises fairly, by his manner, to prove a deserter from our +standard, and to inlist under the banners of Hymen.” + </p> +<p> +“Not unlikely,” replied Tallyho, “if what we are told be true—that +it is what we must all come to.” + </p> +<p> +“Be that as it may, it ought not to interfere with our pursuits, Real Life +in London, though, to be sure, the Ladies, dear creatures, ought not to be +forgotten: they are so nearly and dearly interwoven with our existence, +that, without them, Life would be insupportable.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[184]</span>After dinner, they prepared for the +evening party, and made their appearance in Grosvenor Squire at the +appointed hour. But as this will introduce new characters to the Reader, +we shall defer our account of them till the next Chapter. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0014"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XIV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Ye are stars of the night, ye are gems of the morn, +Ye are dew-drops whose lustre illumines the thorn; +And rayless that night is, that morning unblest, +When no beam in your eye, lights up peace in the breast; +And the sharp thorn of sorrow sinks deep in the heart, +Till the sweet lip of Woman assuages the smart; +?Tis her's o'er the couch of misfortune to bend, +In fondness a lover, in firmness a friend; +And prosperity's hour, be it ever confest, +From Woman receives both refinement and zest; +And adorn'd by the bays, or enwreath'd with the willow, +Her smile is our meed, and her bosom our pillow. +</div> +<p> +ARRIVED at Grosvenor Square, they found the party consisted of Colonel B——, +his son and daughter, Miss Mortimer, and her brother, Mr. Sparkle, Mr. +Merrywell, and Lady Lovelace. The first salutations of introduction being +over, there was time to observe the company, among whom, Miss Mortimer +appeared to be the principal magnet of attraction. The old Colonel was +proud to see the friends of Mr. Sparkle, and had previously given a hearty +welcome to Mr. Merrywell, as the friend of his nephew, the young Mortimer. +Sparkle now appeared the gayest of the gay, and had been amusing the +company with some of his liveliest descriptions of character and manners, +that are to be witnessed in the metropolis. While Merrywell, who did not +seem to be pleased with the particular attentions he paid to Miss +Mortimer, was in close conversation with her brother. +</p> +<p> +Tom could not but acknowledge that it was scarcely possible to see Miss +Mortimer, without feelings of a nature which he had scarcely experienced +before. The elegant neatness of her dress was calculated to display the +beauty of her form, and the vivid flashes of a dark eye were so many +irresistible attacks upon the heart; a sweet voice, and smiling +countenance, appeared to throw a radiance around the room, and illuminate +the visages of the whole <span class="pagenum">[186]</span>party, while +Lady Lovelace and Maria B—— served as a contrast to heighten +that effect which they envied and reproved. While tea was preparing, after +which it was proposed to take a rubber at cards, a sort of general +conversation took place: the preparations for the Coronation, the new +novels of the day, and the amusements of the theatre, were canvassed in +turn; and speaking of the writings of Sir Walter Scott, as the presumed +author of the celebrated Scotch novels, Lady Lovelace declared she found +it impossible to procure the last published from the library, +notwithstanding her name has been long on the list, so much was it in +request. +</p> +<p> +Sparkle replied, “That he had purchased the Novel, and would willingly +lend it to the Ladies. As for the Libraries,” continued he, “they are good +places of accommodation, but it is impossible to please every one, either +there or any where else; they are however very amusing at times, and as a +proof of it, I strolled the other morning to a Circulating Library, for +the express purpose of lounging away an hour in digesting the politics and +news of the day; but the curious scenes to which I was witness during this +short period, so distracted my attention, that, despite of the grave +subjects on which I was meditating, I could not resist lending an +attentive ear to all that passed around me. There was something of +originality in the countenance of the Master of the Library which struck +me forcibly; and the whimsical answers which he made to his numerous +subscribers, and the yet more whimsical tone in which they were +pronounced, more than once provoked a smile. The first person who +attracted my notice was a fine showy looking woman, dressed in the extreme +of fashion, with a bloom upon her cheek, which might have emulated that of +the rose, with this exception, that it wanted the charm of nature. Putting +a list into the hands of the Bookseller, she inquired if he had any of the +productions the names of which were there transcribed. Glancing his eye +over the paper, he replied (with an archness which not a little +disconcerted her, and which probably occasioned her abrupt disappearance, +“<i>The Fine Lady</i>, Madam, is seldom or ever at home; but <i>Family +Secrets</i> we are always ready to let out.” '<i>Characters of Eminent Men</i>' +growled out a little vulgar consequential Citizen, whose countenance bore +the stamp of that insufferable dulness that might almost tempt <span +class="pagenum">[187]</span>one to imagine him incapable of comprehending +the meaning of the words which he pronounced with an air of so much +self-importance; '<i>Characters of Eminent Men</i>, 195,' repeated the +Snarler, in the same tone, 'I much fear if we can boast a quarter of that +number, eh! Mr. Margin?' “I fear not, Sir,” replied Margin; “but such as +we have are very much at your service.” 'Better be in the service of the +nation than in mine, by far,' said the little purse-proud gentleman, +shrugging his shoulders very significantly. “Shall I send it for you, +Sir?” said Margin, without noticing the last remark. 'By no means, by no +means; the volume is not so large, it won't encumber me much; I believe I +shall find it small enough to put in my pocket,' pursued the little great +man, grinning at the shrewdness of his own observations, and stalking out +with as much self-complacency as he had stalked in. I knew the man well, +and could not help laughing at the lofty airs he assumed, at the manner in +which he affected to decry all his countrymen without mercy, at his +unwillingness to acknowledge any talent amongst them, though he himself +was a man of that plodding description who neither ever had done, nor ever +could do any thing to entitle him to claim distinction of any sort. The +young Coxcomb who next entered, was a direct contrast to the last +applicant, both in person and manner. Approaching with a fashionable +contortion, he stretched out his lady-like hand, and in the most languid +and affected tone imaginable, inquired for The Idler. “That, Sir,” said +Margin, “is amongst the works we have unhappily lost, but you will be sure +to meet with it at any of the fashionable libraries in the neighbourhood +of Bond Street or St. James's.” The young Fop had just sense enough to +perceive that the shaft was aimed at him, but not enough to relish the +joke, or correct the follies which provoked it, and turned abruptly on his +heel. He was met at the door by a sentimental boarding-school Miss, who +came flying into the shop in defiance of her governess, and inquired, in a +very pathetic tone, for <i>The Constant Lover</i>. “That, I am afraid,” + said Margin, “is not amongst our collection.” 'Dear me,' lisped the young +Lady, with an air of chagrin, 'that's very provoking, I thought that was +what every one had.' “Give me leave to assure you, Ma'am, that you are +quite mistaken. I fancy you will find that it is not to be met with all +over London.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[188]</span>An old Gentleman of the old school, +whose clothes were decidedly the cut of the last century, and whose stiff +and formal manners were precisely of the same date with his habiliments, +next came hobbling in. Poring through his spectacles over the catalogue +which lay upon the counter, the first thing which caught his eye, was <i>An +Essay upon Old Maids</i>. “Tom, Tom,” said the complaisant Librarian, +calling to a lad at the other end of the shop, “reach down the Old Maids +for the gentleman. They won't appear to advantage, I'm afraid, a little +dusty or damaged, with having laid so long upon the shelf,” he added, with +a simper, which was not lost upon any one present. A melancholy looking +man, in whose countenance meekness and insipidity were alike plainly +depicted, now came forward, inquiring, in an under, and what might almost +be designated an alarmed tone of voice, for <i>The Impertinent Wife</i>; a +female, who hung upon his arm, interrupted him by entreating, or rather +insisting in no very gentle tone, 'that he would ask for something better +worth having.' Margin, affecting only to hear the former speaker, +immediately produced the book in question, and observed, with much +naivete, “that the Impertinent Wife was sure to be in the way at all +hours,” at the same time not omitting to recommend Discipline as “a better +work.” A young man, whom I knew to be one of the greatest fortune hunters +about town, with an air of consummate assurance, put out his hand for <i>Disinterested +Marriage</i>. “That's a thing quite out of date—never thought of +now, Sir,” said Margin, who knew him as well as myself; “Allow me to +recommend something of more recent date, something more sought after in +the fashionable world, Splendid Misery, Sir, or—“The young man heard +no more: spite of his impudence, he was so abashed by the reply, that he +made a hasty retreat. The last person whom I thought it worth my while to +notice, was a tall, meagre looking man, whom I recollected to have seen +pointed out to me as a wit, and a genius of the first order. His wit was, +however, of that dangerous sort which caused his company to be rather +shunned than courted; and it was very evident, from his appearance, that +he had not had the wit to work himself into the good graces of those who +might have had it in their power to befriend him. Though he spoke in a +very low tone, I soon found that he was inquiring for <i>Plain Sense</i>. +On Margin's replying, <span class="pagenum">[189]</span>with much +nonchalance, that <i>Plain Sense</i> had of late become very rare, finding +himself disappointed in his first application, his next aim was <i>Patronage</i>. +“That, Sir, (said the wary bookseller) is so much sought after, that I +really cannot promise it to you at present; but if, as I conclude, you +merely want something to beguile a leisure hour or two, probably <i>The +Discontented Man</i> will answer the purpose very well.” + </p> +<p> +To this description of Sparkle, the whole company listened with attention +and delight, frequently interrupting him with bursts of laughter. Tea was +handed round, and then cards introduced. Young Mortimer and Merrywell +seemed to take but little interest in the play, and evidently discovered +their anxiety to be liberated, having some other object in view. Mortimer +felt no great portion of pleasure in passing his time with his uncle, the +Colonel, nor with his sister, Lady Lovelace, who was a perfect model of +London affectation; besides, his friend Mr. Merrywell, who was to him what +Tom Dashall and Sparkle had been to Tallyho, had made an engagement to +introduce him to some of his dashing acquaintances in the West. Nods and +winks were interchanged between them, and could not but be noticed by Tom +and Bob, though Sparkle was so intent upon the amusements of the moment, +and the company of the lovely Caroline, as to appear immoveable. +</p> +<p> +Mr. Merrywell at length stated that he must be compelled to quit the +party. Young Mortimer also apologized; for as he and his friend were +engaged for an early excursion in the morning, he should take a bed at his +habitation, in order to be fully prepared. This was the first step to +breaking up the party. +</p> +<p> +Merrywell called Sparkle on one side, saying he had something of +importance to communicate. It was twelve o'clock, and the gentlemen, after +taking a formal leave of the ladies and the Colonel, and a promise on the +part of Sparkle to meet them again the next morning at twelve, to escort +them to the Exhibition, left the house. +</p> +<p> +“I am really happy,” said Merrywell to Sparkle as they passed the door, +“to have had the honour of this introduction, and shall have much pleasure +in becoming better acquainted with Mr. Sparkle, who, though personally +unknown to me, his name and fame are familiar. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[190]</span>Mr. Mortimer and myself are going to +take a review of the neighbourhood of St. James's, probably to shake an +elbow.” + </p> +<p> +“Excellent,” said Tom; “here is a fine opportunity for Mr. Tallyho to take +a like survey, and, if agreeable, we will join the party. Though I am by +no means a friend to gaming, I conceive it necessary that every person +should see the haunts of its votaries, and the arts they make use of, in +order to avoid them.” + </p> +<p> +“You are right, and therefore let us have a peep at them.” With this they +?walk'd on, listening with attention to the following lines, which were +recited by Sparkle: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Behold yon group, fast fix'd at break of day, +Whose haggard looks a sleepless night betray, +With stern attention, silent and profound, +The mystic table closely they surround; +Their eager eyes with eager motions join, +As men who meditate some vast design: +Sure, these are Statesmen, met for public good, +For some among them boast of noble blood: +Or are they traitors, holding close debate +On desp'rate means to overthrow the State? +For there are men among them whose domains +And goods and chattels lie within their brains. +No, these are students of the blackest art +That can corrupt the morals or the heart; +Yet are they oft in fashion's ranks preferred, +And men of honour, if you take their word. +But they can plunder, pillage, and devour, +More than poor robbers, at the midnight hour; +Lay deeper schemes to manage lucky hits, +Than artful swindlers, living by their wits. +Like cunning fowlers, spread th' alluring snare, +And glory when they pluck a pigeon bare. +These are our gamesters, who have basely made +The cards and dice their study and their trade."{1} + +1 Gaming is generally understood to have been invented by +the Lydians, when they were under the pressure of a great +famine. To divert themselves from dwelling on their +sufferings, they contrived the balls, tables, &c. and, in +order to bear their calamity the better, were accustomed to +play for the whole day together, without interruption, that +they might not be rack'd with the thought of food, which +they could not obtain. It is not a little extraordinary that +this invention, which was originally intended as a remedy +for hunger, is now a very common cause of that very evil. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[191]</span>"True,” said Merry well, as Sparkle +concluded, though he did not like the satire upon his own favourite +pursuit; “those delineations are correct, and the versification good, as +far as it applies to the worst species of the gaminghouse.” + </p> +<p> +“O,” said Tom, “then pray, Sir, which is the worst?” + </p> +<p> +“Nonsense,” said Sparkle, “there is neither worse nor best; these Hells +are all alike. <i>Sharks, Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, Black-legs, and +Levanters</i>, are to be met with at them all, and <i>they meet to bite +one another's heads off</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“An admirable description, truly, of the company you are about to +introduce us to, Gentlemen,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“I don't understand Greeks, Hells, and Black-legs,” said Mortimer, “and +should like an explanation.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” replied Sparkle—“<i>Hell</i> is the general +title now given to any well-known gaming-house, and really appears to be +well chosen; for all the miseries that can fall to the lot of human +nature, are to be found in those receptacles of idleness, duplicity, and +villany. Gaming is an estate to which all the world has a pretence, though +few espouse it who are willing to secure either their estates or +reputations: and these Hells may fairly be considered as so many half-way +houses to the Fleet or King's Bench Prisons, or some more desperate end. +The love of play is the most incurable of insanities: robbery, suicide, +and the extensive ruin of whole families, have been known to proceed from +this unfortunate and fatal propensity. +</p> +<p> +“<i>Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, and Black-legs</i>, are synonimous +terms, applied to the frequenters of the modern Hells, or Gaming-houses, +and may be distinguished from the rest of society by the following +peculiarities in pursuits and manners. +</p> +<p> +“The <i>Greeks</i> of the present day, though they may not lay claim to, +or boast of all the attributes of the <i>Greeks</i> of antiquity, must +certainly be allowed to possess that quality for which the latter were +ever so celebrated, namely, <i>cunning and wariness</i>: for although no +modern Greek can be said to have any resemblance to Achilles, Ajax, +Patroclus, or Nestor, in point of courage, strength, fidelity, or wisdom, +he may nevertheless boast of being a close copier of the equally renowned +chief of Ithaca. You will find him in most societies, habited like a +gentleman; <span class="pagenum">[192]</span>his clothes are of the newest +fashion, and his manners of the highest polish, with every appearance of +candour and honour; while he subsists by unfair play at dice, cards, and +billiards, deceiving and defrauding all those with whom he may engage; +disregarding the professions of friendship and intimacy, which are +continually falling from his lips. +</p> +<p> +“To become a good <i>Greek</i> (which, by the way, is a contradiction) it +will be found necessary to follow these instructions: +</p> +<p> +“In the first place, lie should be able to command his temper; he should +speak but little, and when he does mingle in conversation, he should most +decidedly deprecate play, as a source of the greatest evil that can prey +upon society, and elucidate its tendencies by striking examples which are +well known to himself, and which are so forcibly impressed upon his +recollection, that he is determined never to play deep again, but has no +objection to a sociable and friendly game now and then, just to pass the +time away a little agreeably. By this means he may readily mark down his +man, and the game once in view, he should not appear too eager in the +pursuit of it, but take good care, as the proverb says, to give a sprat, +in order to catch a herring. This should be done by allowing some +temporary success, before he make a final hit. +</p> +<p> +“There is perhaps no art which requires so much of continual practice as +that of <i>Greekery</i>. It is therefore necessary, that the professor +should frequently exercise himself in private with cards and dice, in +order that his digits may be trained to a proper degree of agility, upon +which the success of his art principally depends. He should also be +accustomed to work with some younger man than himself, who, having once +been a pigeon, is become a naute, that is enlightened and will not peach—consequently, +he serves as an excellent decoy to others. +</p> +<p> +“To ascertain the property of the pigeon he intends to pluck, is another +essential requisite; and when this important information is obtained, +(which should be before he commences operations) he should affect the +utmost liberality as to time, &c. and make a show of extending every +honourable facility to his opponent, even by offers of pecuniary +assistance; by which means, (if he should be fortunate enough to have it +accepted) he may probably, by good management, obtain a legal <span +class="pagenum">[193]</span>security from him, and thus be enabled to +fasten on his prey whenever he pleases. +</p> +<p> +“The title of a military man, such as Captain, is very useful to the +Greek, as it introduces him well to society, and if he has once held a +commission in the army, so much the better. If not, it can be assumed, so +that if any unpleasant regimental peculation should be introduced, he may +place his hand on the left side of his breast, declare he is astonished +and alarmed at the calumnious spirit of the times, shake his head, and +interlard his conversation with common-place ejaculations; such as the +following—Indeed—No—Why I know Harry very well—he's +a bit of a blood—can it be possible—I should not have thought +it—bless my heart—exactly so—good God—a devilish +good joke tho'—that's very true, says I—so says he, &c. +&c. +</p> +<p> +“A Greek should be a man of some personal courage, never shrink from a +row, nor be afraid to' fight a duel. He should be able to bully, bluster, +swagger and swear, as occasion may require; nay, in desperate cases, such +us peaching, &c. he should not object even to assassination. He should +invite large parties to dine with him frequently, and have a particular +sort of wine for particular companies. He should likewise be able to +swallow a tolerable quantity of the juice of the grape himself, as well as +know how to appear as if he were drinking, when he is merely passing the +bottle, and so manage it passing, as to seem drunk at proper times. When +good opportunities present themselves for the exercise of his art, and +when a hit is really to be made, he should positively refuse to suffer +play of any kind in his house, alleging that he has seen enough of it, and +cut the concern. This serves to increase the desire for it in others. On +any decisive occasion, when a train is known to be well laid, he should +appear to be drunk before any one of the party; in which case he should +take care beforehand to instruct his decoy to pluck the pigeon, while he, +as a supposed observer, is betting with some one in the company, (of +course an accomplice) and is also a loser. +</p> +<p> +“Greeks, who know each other, are enabled to convey information by means +of private signals, without uttering a word, and consequently without +detection. At whist, or other games on the cards, fingers are admirable +conveyancers of intelligence, and by dexterous performers <span +class="pagenum">[194]</span>are so managed, as to defy the closest +scrutiny, so as to have the natural appearance of pliancy, while, among +the <i>knowing ones</i>, their movements are actually deciding the fate of +a rubber.” + </p> +<p> +“Egad!” said Mortimer, “you seem to understand the business so well, I +wonder you don't open shop.” + </p> +<p> +“My knowledge,” continued Sparkle, “is but theoretical. I cannot boast of +much practical information, for it is long since I shook the lucky +castor.” + </p> +<p> +“O, then, you are discontented because you have no luck.” + </p> +<p> +“Not so,” said Sparkle, “for I never play very deep, so that, win or lose, +I can never suffer much; but I am willing to give information to others, +and with that view I have detailed the nature of the houses and the +general character of their frequenters, according to my own conception of +them. The <i>Levanter</i> is a <i>Black-leg</i>, who lives by the <i>broads</i>{l} +and the <i>turf</i>,{2} and is accustomed to work as it were by <i>telegraph</i>{3} +with his pal; and if you take the broads in hand in their company, you are +sure to be work'd, either by glazing, that is, putting you in the front of +a looking-glass, by which means your hand is discovered by your +antagonist, or by private signals from the pal. On the turf he will pick +up some nobleman or gentleman, who he knows is not <i>up to the rig</i>—bet +him fifty or a hundred on a horse—pull out his pocket-book—set +down the name, and promise to be at the stand when the race is over; but +takes care to be seen no more, unless he is the winner, which he easily +ascertains by the direction his pal takes immediately on the arrival of +the horses. But hold, we must dismiss the present subject of +contemplation, for here we are at the very scene of action, and now for +ocular demonstration.” + </p> +<p> +No. 40, now 32, Pall Mall, was the place of destination, a house well +known, said, in Koubel's time, to be more <i>à la Française</i>, and of +course more of a gambling-house, than any other of the same description in +London. The former were good judges of their business, and did things in +prime order; but, if report say true, the new Establishment +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Broads—A cant term for cards. + +2 Turf—A cant term for horse-racing. + +3 Telegraph—To work the telegraph, is to impart information +by secret signs and motions, previously concerted between +the parties. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[195]</span>has completely eclipsed their +precursors: it is now conducted wholly by aliens—by Frenchmen!!! who +are said to have realized 80,000L. within a very short space of time; and +that a certain nobleman, whose name is not Dormouse, has serious reason to +remember that he has been a visitor. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +These concerns are considered of so much importance, and are found to be +so very productive, that regular co-partnerships are entered into, +the business is conducted almost with the precision of a mercantile +establishment; all kinds of characters embark in these speculations, and +rapid fortunes are to be made by them; this alone ought to deter young +men from play, since it sufficiently indicates how much the chances are +in favour of the tables. But many high and noble names resort to them. + +“There's N—g—nts proud Lord, who, to angle for pelf, +Will soon find the secret of diddling himself; +There's Herbert, who lately, as knowing one's tell, +Won a tight seven hundred at a House in Pall Mall. + +Captain D—v—s, who now is a chick of the game, +For altho' in high feather, the odds will soon tame; +And the Marquis of Bl—ndf—rd, who touch'd 'em up rare +For a thousand in Bennet Street (all on the square); +There's Li—d and C—m—ck, who'd a marine to be, +For none drills a guinea more ably than he; +There's a certain rum Baronet, every one knows, +Who on Saturday nights to the Two Sevens{1} goes, + +With J—— and Cl——, Billy W—— and two more, +So drunk, that they keep merry hell in a roar. +Long D—ll—n, their C—rt—r, a son of a gun; +Bill B——, the Doctor, that figure of fun; + +Bankers, Dealers and Demireps, Cuckolds in droves, +A T—l—r, a T—nf—Id, a Cr—kf—Id, and CI—ves; +A H—rtf—rd, a Y—rm—th, of frail ones ten score; +X—ft—e, S—br—gt and E—ll—s, and still many more.” + </div> +<p> +“Come along,” said Merrywell, “let us see what they are made of; are +either of you known? for Cerberus, who keeps the door, is d——d +particular, in consequence of some rows they have recently had, and the +devil is careful to pick his customers.” + </p> +<p> +“To pluck them, you mean,” said Tom; “but perhaps you are in possession of +the pass-word—if so, lead on.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The <i>Two Sevens</i>—A nick-name for the well-known house, +No. 77, Jermyn Street. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[196]</span>Tallyho had already heard so much about +Hells, Gambling-houses, and Subscription-houses, that he was all anxiety +for an interior view, and the same feeling animated Mortimer. As they were +about to enter, they were not a little surprised to find that houses which +are spoken of so publicly, have in general the appearance of private +dwellings, with the exception that the hall-door is left ajar during the +hours usually devoted to play, like those of trap-cages, to catch the +passing pigeons, and to obviate the delay which might be occasioned by the +necessity of knocking—a delay which might expose the customers to +the glances of an unsuspecting creditor—a confiding father, or a +starving wife; and, as Merrywell observed, “It was to be understood that +the entrance was well guarded, and that no gentleman could be permitted to +risk or lose his money, without an introduction.” A very necessary +precaution to obviate the danger of being surprised by the officers of the +law; but that rule is too easily to be broken, for any gentleman whom the +door-keeper has sufficient reason to think is not an Officer of Justice, +finds the avenues to these labyrinths too ready for his admission. +</p> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0012"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page196.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page196 a Modern Hell "><br> +</div> +<p> +On passing the outer-door, they found themselves impeded by a second, and +a third, and each door constructed with a small spy-hole, exhibiting the +ball of a ruffian's eye, intently gazing on and examining their figures. +It is necessary to observe, that if the visitor is known to be a fair +pigeon, or an old crow, he is at once admitted by these gentlemen, and +politely bowed up stairs; and as Merrywell appeared to be well known, no +obstruction was offered, and they proceeded through the last, which was an +iron door, and were shewn directly into the room, which presented a scene +of dazzling astonishment. +</p> +<p> +On entering, they discovered the votaries of gaming around an oblong +table, covered with green cloth, and the priests of the ceremony in the +centre, one to deal cards and decide events, and another to assist him in +collecting the plunder which should follow such decisions. Being engaged +in the play, but little notice was taken of the arrival of the party, +except by two or three eagle-eyed gentlemen, who, perceiving there were +some <i>New-comes</i>{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1. Newcomes—The name given to any new faces discovered among +the usual visitants. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[197]</span>and always keeping business in view, +made up to Merrywell, began to be very talkative—was happy to see +him—hoped he had been well—and congratulated him on the +introduction of his friends—took snuff, and handed the box round +with all the appearance of unaffected friendship. +</p> +<p> +“These,” said Tom Dashall to his Cousin, drawing him on one side, “are the +Proprietors{1} of this concern; +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 In order that the class of men by whom houses of this +description are generally kept, and to shew the certainty +they have of accumulating riches, as well as to guard the +young and inexperienced against being decoyed, it may not be +amiss to animadvert upon a few of the most prominent and +well known. + +No. 7, Pall Mall, is kept by B——l, who has been a public +and noted gambler for these forty years, and is generally +termed the Father of the Houses. He was at one time a poor +man, but now, by his honest earnings, is in possession of +some tens of thousands. It is said that he was originally a +stable-boy, and, in process of time, arose to be a jobber in +horse-flesh, but has at length feathered his nest with +<i>pigeons down</i>. + +No. 77, St. James's Street, nick-named the Two Sevens, kept +by Messrs. T. C. C. T. is a well-known House, where things +are conducted with great civility and attention, and the +best possible treatment may generally be relied upon, though +they are rather sparing of refreshments, and apt to grumble +if a customer has a run of good luck. A Prussian Officer, +however, not long ago, kick'd up a devil of a row about +losing a very large sum of money; but it is scarcely +necessary to add it was all in vain, for there was no +redress. + +The produce of this Bank, (which Paddy B—— calls the +Devil's Exchequer, whence you can draw neither principal nor +interest,) furnishes elegant houses and equipages, both in +town and country, and, it is possible, may one day or other +send a Member to Parliament, or a General to the field. + +No. 10, King Street, St. James's, is conducted by old and +young D——s L——r; the father is too old in iniquity +to remember his progress from poverty to affluence. + +No. 5, King-street, is kept by Mr. A——l; the former +residing at No. 3, Leicester-place, the latter No. 3,—— +Street; and both live in prime style. The former, in his +youth, was an errand boy, and he became so willing in doing +little jobs, that his employers have paid him most +handsomely. The latter gentleman, who may be seen frequently +driving a dennet, and looking both sides of the road at +once, is a chip of the old block: but as it is not our +intention to visit the sins of the sou upon the father, we +shall not enter into a minute examination of him. + +No. 6, in Bury-street, is only about a year's standing. +This table was set up by a broken adventurer, Capt. B——, +with Mr. ——, a jeweller, and a man whose agents keep a +house of ill fame, no way inferior in attribute to his +house in Bury-street. They commenced with narrow funds, +and now, thank the gulls, are independent. + +The next door, No. 7, is held by M——g, a map-seller, +living at Charing Cross; Carl—s, formerly an under- +strapper at Ben—t's, living at King's Road, Chelsea; H——ll, +a tallow-chandler, living at No. 8, Bury-street; and +his brother, a brick-layer, residing somewhere off Grosvenor +Place. These fellows have carried on their depredations for +some time, but now have closed for awhile, being one of the +houses against whom a Jew, named Portugal John, and another +named the Young Black Diamond, have commenced proceedings, +for sums had and received, and by indictment. + +No. 28, in the same street, is the property of one O—— +d, formerly a menial servant, and not long ago a porter to +B——l. + +These examples shew by incontestible inference, that the +keepers of those tables have an advantage, which renders +their success certain, while it fleeces the men who attend +them. We always have seen these Proprietors in the same +unchangeable affluence, driving their equipages, keeping +their country houses, &c. &c. while those who play +invariably sink into poverty. It has been often—very often +remarked, that young men who commence this career of folly +and vice, by degrees lose that freshness and fashionable +appearance which they at first possessed, and at last are +seen wandering about St. James's Park <i>counting the trees</i>, +and dining on a <i>gravel hash</i>, for want of more genial fare, +in a threadbare coat, half-polished boots, a greasy hat, and +a dirty cravat; while the plunderers of their happiness and +property are driving by them in luxury, enjoying their +pleasure by contrast with their victim, and sneering at his +miseries. + +Of all the vices which deform this Metropolis (and there are +not a few) the most ruinous is that of Rouge et Noir +gambling, for that is practised in the day time, and it is a +matter of astonishment to think that it has remained +undisturbed by the law, and hitherto unnoticed by the Press. +At this moment no less than twelve of these Hells are open +to the public in the noon-day; and no less than five or six +profane the Sabbath by their sinful practices. Although +London has been, time out of mind, infested with the imps of +play, yet it was not until within these last ten or fifteen +years that they dared open their dens to the honest light of +day. About that period, or a very short time before, Rouge +et Noir was imported, amongst other fashionable things, from +France; and to this game we are indebted for the practice of +gambling in the day-light. + +It is impossible to put down the vice of Gaming wholly, and +not all the various enactments of the legislature against it +have succeeded; but that the ruinous and infamous practice +of indulging that vice in the midst of crowded day should be +suffered, for upwards of sixteen years, in the centre of +British society, when it can easily be suppressed, calls +forth our wonder, and gives a stronger proof to us that our +Societies for the Suppression of Vice, &c. &c. are shadows +with a name. When the Hazard tables open, it is at an hour +when the respectable and controlled youths of London are +within the walls of their homes; few are abroad except the +modern man of <i>ton</i>, the rake, the sot, the robber, and the +vagabond; and the dangers of gaming on these orders of +society is little indeed, when compared with the baneful +effects of that vice upon the mercantile youth of London. It +is to this class, and to the youth of the middling orders of +society, that gaming is destructive, and it is upon these +that the Rouge et Noir tables cast the most fatal influence. +Young men of this order cannot in general be absent from +their families after midnight, the hour when the nocturnal +Hells formerly yawned upon their victims; but now the +introduction of Rouge et Noir has rendered the abominable +track of play a morning and evening's lounge, set forth in +all the false glare which the artful proprietors can invent +to deceive the thoughtless; and thus it affords +opportunities and temptations to such youth almost +irresistible. + +When the glittering of London pleasures first meets the eye +of a young man placed upon the road of a mercantile life, or +when he enters any of the multifarious departments in the +machine of society which always lead the industrious and +prudent to honourable emolument, he too frequently +misconceives the fashionable gamester's character, and +confounds his crimes with elegant accomplishments. The road +to pleasure is broad, and the gates of these Hells are open +to him at hours when he can be absent, and can indulge his +whim without suspicion—for at first he looks upon his new +enjoyment but a mere whim, which he can abandon at any +moment. But how different is the proof! He goes on—his new +made wings carry him through a region of delight, and he +believes himself to possess the powers of the eagle—still +lighter he ascends, and the solid earth on which he formerly +trod in safety, recedes immeasurably from his giddy eye—at +length his wings prove wax, they melt before the sun, and +the victim of his own folly tumbles into the abyss of +destruction. + +It is no uncommon thing, nay, we will positively declare it +to be a very frequent practice of these misled young men, +when they have been initiated, and have the temporary +command of money belonging to their employers, to go to the +Rouge et Noir tables, armed (as they think) with +impenetrable armour—a large sum; and, in the hope of +profiting to a certain amount, risk that property, the loss +of which would be the loss of every thing dear to them in +society. They believe, from the greatness of the amount they +possess, that they can command a small gain, and not for a +moment doubt they will be able to replace or return the +money entrusted to their care; but little do they know the +fickleness of luck, and less do they suspect the odds and +imposing roguery arrayed against them. Their first loss is +trifling, but they have to win that back iu addition to +their expected profits; for this purpose they stake a larger +sum, which, if they lose, increases their task, and so on, +until the half-frantic victims see no hope but desperation, +and their remaining stock is placed upon the chance of a +single card. The event closes, and the man who yesterday +enjoyed the good opinion of the world, and the esteem and +confidence of his friends, to-day becomes the veriest +outcast of society! These are common cases, one of which, +for example, we will describe as the facts occurred:—In the +year 1816, a Clerk, possessing the highest reputation, +became a frequenter of a Rouge et Noir table. From the +nature of his employment, he had daily the command of large +sums, which, for a short time, he risked at play +successfully. One day, however, he brought with him his +employer's money, to the amount of 1700L. the whole of +which, in two days, he lost. We may judge of the unhappy +young man's feelings by his subsequent conduct. He wrote a +confession of the affair to the man he wronged, retired to a +tavern, and blew his brains out! + +These gaming-tables open at half-past twelve o'clock, +continue their orgies until five, and recommence at seven in +the evening. How many young men are passing their doors at +these hours with the property of others in their pockets!— +and what a temptation to risk it! It would seem as if these +places were set up as shops designed chiefly for the +accommodation of mid-day dealers in ill-fortune, as if +levelled directly at those men who cannot or will not spend +their nights in gambling; and how the proprietors contrive +to escape detection and punishment is surprising, +considering that the law affords ample means to put them +down. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[200]</span>they know their customers, and place +themselves here to watch the progress of their gains. Their attentions are +always directed to the new-comers. Remorseless, avaricious, and happy—unmarked +with the lines of care, which contract and deform the faces of their +victims, “They smile and smile, and murder while they smile.” They will +explain the fairness of the game, and tell you of the great losses they +have sustained; but as this is no place for explanation, we must look on +and say nothing.” + </p> +<p> +By this time, Merrywell and Mortimer were mingled in the throng at the +table. Sparkle was engaged in conversation with an old acquaintance, a +profusion of money was flying about, and a large heap or bank was placed +in the centre. All was anxiety, and, for a few moments, no sound was +heard, but the awful numbers of the eventful dealer; every countenance was +hushed in expectation, and every eye was fixed upon the coming card, which +should decide the fate of hundreds. It was an awful moment to every one +engaged in the play; but the pause was succeeded with a sort of +harlequinade movement, to a scene of confusion and uproar scarcely to be +conceived. +</p> +<p> +The appearance at the door of half a dozen persons armed with pistols, +rushing past the guardians, and bearing <span class="pagenum">[201]</span>away +all before them, had such an instantaneous effect upon the company, that +they all arose, as it were, to receive them, and the leader of the party +threw himself suddenly upon the pile of Bank-notes in the centre of the +table, with intent to seize the whole bank. +</p> +<p> +Confusion and dismay were now visibly depicted on every countenance, for +some, actuated by desperation at the prospect of ruin, and others by the +urgings of avarice, determined to have a scramble for the notes, which +they commenced most furiously, each one securing as much as he could to +himself. There was tumbling and tossing, and pulling and shoving, mouths +stuffed with hundreds, hundreds of mouths that were supperless, and likely +to continue so, unless they could now make sure of something. Bank paper +was literally going for nothing. However, the pistols being the most +powerful, the armed forces succeeded in seizing the greatest share of the +stock, and a negative sort of silence was at length restored. The party +was materially decreased; for, seeing they were betrayed, every one, after +an endeavour to secure a share of the spoil, deemed it necessary to make +good his retreat; and among the rest, our party, who had not interfered +with the play, or assisted in the entertainment, soon found themselves in +the street. +</p> +<p> +“Egad,” said Sparkle, “I think we are in luck to escape so easily; we +might have been compelled to make our appearance at Bow Street to-morrow, +an occurrence I would studiously avoid.” + </p> +<p> +“Well done, old steady,” said Tom; “it is not long, you know, since you +was there, after a night's lodging in the neighbourhood.” + </p> +<p> +“That was under very different circumstances,” continued Sparkle; “in +defence of a woman I would risk my life at any time, but I would by no +means incur the imputation of being a gambler—it is a character I +abhor. I have before said I would never venture into those dens again, to +herd with swindlers of all descriptions.” + </p> +<p> +“They all seem gay fellows, too,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied Sparkle; “but the character and conduct of a young man has +ere now been altered in one night: the evil effects produced by initiation +to those Hells are incalculable.” + </p> +<p> +“Moralizing at midnight,” said Tom; “an excellent title for a volume <i>sparkling</i> +contemplations.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[202]</span>"To be written by the Hon. Tom Dashall, +or the Merry Devil of Piccadilly,” was the reply. +</p> +<p> +“Huzza!” said Merrywell, “if this is the case, our time will not be lost +in this excursion. Did you hear that Lord —— has been +compelled to put down his establishment in consequence of his losses at +play? pray don't forget to mention that in the work.” + </p> +<p> +“Tis no new thing,” continued Sparkle, “for Lords of the present day, +since I believe there are few of the nobility who are not either Greeks or +Pigeons; indeed, the list of visitors to these places contains names of +many persons who should set better examples to the humbler classes of the +community; for the unfortunate results of this too fatal propensity to +parents and society have been severely felt. Among many instances on +record, a very interesting one is related of a young Subaltern in a +regiment of cavalry, who, by successive losses, was reduced to such a +state of distress, as to form the desperate resolution of trying the road. +In a moment of agony, he accidentally met with an opportunity which seemed +to favour his design, having learned that a certain Baronet, recently +returned from India with abundance of wealth, had laid it out on landed +estates in England, and that he would on a certain day cross the country +with a large sum of money, after collecting his rents. +</p> +<p> +“He laid his plan for a meeting on a retired spot, and succeeded in +stopping the carriage—' Your money or your life,' said he, +presenting his pistol with a trembling hand. The Baronet, perceiving there +was a sort of gentlemanly air about him which indicated something more +than might be calculated on in the character of a highwayman, presented +him with his purse, a watch, and a valuable diamond ring, remarking, he +could not help conceiving that he was unaccustomed to the trade, and that +it was most desirable he should abandon it for ever. The young Officer, +though considerably confused and embarrassed by this observation, was not +to be disappointed of his booty, returned this property, and demanded the +larger sum, which for safety had been concealed in the bottom of the +carriage. The manner however in which this was done, only served to +confirm the suspicions of the Baronet, which he could not help expressing, +as he acknowledged the accuracy of the Highwayman's information, and +produced the property, observing, he was sure that <span class="pagenum">[203]</span>circumstances +of no common kind could have impelled him to this flagrant breach of the +laws. He asked as a favour, that he would grant him an interview at some +future period, pledging his honour that he should have no occasion to +repent such a singular mark of confidence. +</p> +<p> +“The Officer replied that he had, and he felt he could with safety trust +both his life and his honour in the veracity of Sir ——, and +appointed a meeting at the London Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, only +stipulating, that at such meeting both parties were to be unattended. As +the day of meeting approached, the Baronet thought seriously of the +solicited rencontre, and after enjoining perfect secresy on the part of +his friend, Col. ——, entreated him to be his companion. The +Colonel laughed at the idea, that any man who had robbed another should so +indiscreetly place his life in his hands, had no conception of his keeping +his appointment, and solemnly assured the Baronet that he would in no case +divulge who or what he was, that he might become acquainted with. +</p> +<p> +“The Colonel ridiculed his friend's credulity as they entered the house, +and were shewn to a private room. The appointed hour was eight in the +evening, and, as the clock of St. Paul's struck, a Gentleman inquiring for +Sir —— was shewn into the room—wine was ordered, and for +an hour a general conversation on the popular topics of the day ensued, +when the Gentleman, evidently under deeply impressed feelings of +embarrassment and disappointment, in which the Colonel seemed to partake, +arose, and politely took his leave. +</p> +<p> +“' Well,' said the Baronet, 'what think you of my Highwayman now 1—am +I not right?—is he not a gentleman?' +</p> +<p> +“' And this is the robber, is it, Sir?' said the Colonel—'Be assured +he shall swing for it—why, Sir, I know him well, he is a —— +in my own regiment.' +</p> +<p> +“'Hold,' said the Baronet, 'don't be rash, remember the solemn promise you +have given, and do not deceive me—I hold you bound to me, and will +not permit you to break your engagement—I have better objects in +view than the death of a fellow-creature.' +</p> +<p> +“He then requested to be informed of the general tenor of the young man's +conduct, which he found to be excellent, and that he was an indefatigable +officer—'Indeed,' said the Colonel, 'it would give me the greatest +<span class="pagenum">[204]</span>pain to lose him—an incomparably +affectionate husband and father. He has but one vice, to which may be +attributed his destruction, viz. his inordinate passion for gaming; but I +cannot feel justified in screening so flagrant an offender—the law +must take its course.' +</p> +<p> +“'Moderate your indignation,' said the worthy Baronet, assuming a more +serious tone, 'and remember you must be personalty answerable to me for +any disclosure you may think proper to make; and that inasmuch as you +injure him, you must injure me. You have already given him so high a +character in every respect but one, that I must interest you further in +his behalf, and beg you to assist me in my endeavours to reclaim, instead +of punishing him.' +</p> +<p> +“The Colonel was surprised; but the Baronet was inflexible. In vain he +urged that the magnitude of the crime utterly precluded such a proceeding. +</p> +<p> +“' It must be done,' said the Baronet, 'it shall be done. Leave all the +consequences to me; he has now left us in extreme, though suppressed +agitation—There is no time to lose—fly to save him.' +</p> +<p> +“The Colonel expressed his readiness to try the experiment. +</p> +<p> +“' Then,' said the Baronet, 'follow him immediately, assure him of my +forgiveness, and that if he will pledge his word to forsake this dangerous +vice, what he has already obtained he may hold as a gift, and I will add +whatever may be necessary to extricate him from any temporary +embarrassment.' +</p> +<p> +“It was an important embassy—life or death was to be decided by it. +The Colonel took his departure, certain of finding him at home taking +leave of his family, and, reaching his habitation a short time after his +arrival, witnessed a scene of misery which, although he had partly +anticipated, he could not have conceived. He found him, surrounded by his +wife and children, in an agony of desperation and despair. +</p> +<p> +“When he entered the apartment, the poor culprit, convinced by the +presence of his Colonel that all was lost, fell on his knees, and +supplicated if possible that his fame, not his life, might be spared for +the sake of his afflicted but innocent and injured family. Language has no +power to describe the surprise and consternation with which, after a +severe lecture, he received the joyful intelligence of <span +class="pagenum">[205]</span>which his Colonel was the bearer. He returned +with his Commanding Officer to —— Square, where he was +received by the Baronet as a repentant friend; and has lived to repair his +error, and become deservedly distinguished as an ornament to society, +civil and religious as well as military.” + </p> +<p> +“That must be truly gratifying to the worthy Baronet,{1}' said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“No doubt of it,” continued Sparkle, “it must be a source of continued +pleasure to find his labours have had so beneficial a result, having in +all probability saved a whole family from destruction. Surely it may be +said, that +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Among the idiot pranks of Wealth's abuse, +None seem so monstrous, none have less excuse, +Than those which throw an heritage away +Upon the lawless chance of desperate play; +Nor is there among knaves a wretch more base +Than he who steals it with a smiling face, +Who makes diversion to destruction tend, +And thrives upon the ruin of a friend.” + </div> +<p> +—“Yet the Greek, like the swindler{l} and the horse jockey, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Swindler—Is a term originally derived from the German, +Schwindel, which signifies merely to cheat. It was first +introduced as a cant term, and used to signify obtaining of +goods, credit, or money, under false pretences. It has since +had a legislative adoption, being parliamentary recognised +by an Act for the prevention of it. The artifices, schemes, +and crimes, resorted to by these gentry, are so numerous, +that it would be impossible to describe them all. One mode +of practice, however, is not uncommon in London. + +Three or four swell Jews contrive to hire a large house with +some spare rooms, in the City, that are turned into +warehouses, in which are a number of casks, boxes, &e. +filled with sand; and also a quantity of large sugar-loaves +in appearance, which are only clay done up in blue paper, +but corded and made up with great nicety. + +An elegant Counting-house is likewise furnished with books +and other apparatus, to deceive the eye and give the +appearance of extensive business, great regularity, and +large property. The Clerks in attendance are a set of Jews, +who are privy to the scheme, and equally ready at fraud as +those who profess to be the Principals. + +A Dining-room elegantly furnished upon the <i>mace</i>,* receives +you + +* The Mace—Is a person who carries all the appearance of a +great and rich man, with servants, carriages, &c. for the +purpose of defrauding tradesmen and others, by all manner of +plans most calculated to entrap the parties they intend to +dupe. + +whenever it is necessary to admit of your visits; a Black +Servant opens the street-door, and the foot of the stair- +case presents surtouts, boots, livery-cloths, a large blue +coat with a yellow cape, and habiliments in which the +opulent! array their servants. With these and similar +merchant-like appearances Trade is commenced, and persons +dispatched to provincial manufacturing towns, to buy various +articles; for the amount of the first purchases, bills are +drawn upon the Firm, and even before the goods are pack'd +up, and sent according to order, the acceptances are paid, +and, by this means, credit is partly established, which, +once accomplished, they are in want of large assortments for +exportation upon credit, at one, two, and three months. The +goods are accordingly chosen and forwarded to their +associates in London, where they are immediately disposed +of at 20 or 30 per cent, cheaper than the prime cost, and +the money realised. The first bills become due, are noted, +and protested. The second are presented, but the House has +stopped payment, and the Owners are bankrupts. By the time +the third month's bills become due, the docket is struck, +the Assignees chosen, and there is not sixpence in the pound +left for the Creditors. Petitions are ineffectually +presented to the Chancellor, for a number of fictitious +Creditors, of the same profession and persuasion, over-swear +the just ones, and by exceeding them in number and value, +the House obtains its certificate, and has again the power +of committing similar depredations. + +Perhaps the most daring and systematic proceeding of this +kind was that lately detected in the conspiracy of Mosely +Wolfe and his confederates, for which he is now suffering +the sentence of the law. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[206]</span>prides himself on his success, boasts of +his being <i>down as a nail</i>, and—” + </p> +<p> +“<i>Down as a nail!</i>” said Bob, “I don't remember hearing that +expression before.” + </p> +<p> +“<i>Down as a hammer, or Down as a nail</i>” continued Sparkle, “are cant +or slang terms made use of among gamblers, and are synonimous with being +up; and it must be confessed that there are many ups and downs amongst +them. These flash words are well understood by many a young Greek, who +perhaps knows nothing of the Greek Testament, although the use of them has +proved in some cases beyond the comprehension of a Judge. Hence the +necessity of knowing Life; for if a man gets familiarized with low life, +he will necessarily be up, and consequently stand a great chance of being +a rising genius. How proper it must be to know how to get a rise upon a +fellow, or, in other words, to get him in a line! +</p> +<p> +“A learned Judge once, examining a queer covy, a flash customer, or a rum +fellow, asked him his reason for suspecting the prisoner at the bar of +stealing a watch, (which among the lads is scientifically termed nimming a +toiler, or <span class="pagenum">[207]</span>nabbing a clicker,) replied +as follows:—'Why, your honour, only because you see as how I was up +to him.'—'How do you mean, what is being up to him? '—' Why, +bless your heart, I was down upon him, and had him bang.' But still +perceiving the learned Gentleman's want of nous, he endeavoured to explain +by saying, That he was <i>up to his gossip</i>,—that he stagged him, +for he was not to be done—that he knew the trick, and was up the +moment the chap came into the Cock and Hen Club, where he was tucking in +his grub and bub.—Had the learned Judge been up himself, much time +and trouble might have been saved; and indeed the importance of being down +as a nail, to a man of fashion, is almost incalculable; for this reason it +is, that men of high spirit think it no derogation from their dignity or +rank, to be well acquainted with all the slang of the coachman and +stable-boy, all the glossary of the Fancy, and all the mysterious language +of the scamps, the pads, the divers, and all upon the lay, which, by an +attentive and apt scholar, may easily be procured at a Gaming-house. +</p> +<p> +“Of Hells in general, it may fairly be asserted, that they are infernally +productive; no other line of business can be compared to these money +mills, since they are all thriving concerns, the proprietors of which keep +their country houses, extensive establishments, dashing equipages; and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“While they have money they ride it in chaises. +And look very big upon those that have none.” + </div> +<p> +“It certainly is a pity that men do not keep constantly in their +recollection, that no calculation of chances can avail them, and that +between the après, the limitation of stakes, and other manouvres, the +table must eventually be an immense winner. +</p> +<p> +“For Greeks stick at nothing to gain their own ends, And they sacrifice +all their acquaintance and friends; +</p> +<div class='pre'> +And thus luckless P'——n, to gain what he'd lost, +</div> +<p> +Put his faith in a Greek, which he knows to his cost; Join'd a bank, as he +thought, when the sly Greeking elf Of a friend soon contriv'd for to break +it himself. You credulous pigeons! I would have you beware, Of falling +yourselves in a similar snare.” + </p> +<p> +“We ought to consider ourselves greatly obliged,” said Merry well, “for +the accurate description of characters <span class="pagenum">[208]</span>you +have given. But have you heard the report that is now in circulation, that +a certain Marquis of high military celebrity, and whose property is, or +was, very considerable, has lost almost his last shilling?” + </p> +<p> +“I,” said Sparkle, “am seldom surprised at such rumours, particularly of +persons who are known to be players, for they are rich and poor in rapid +succession; but if there be any truth in the report, there is a fine +example of perseverance before him—for Lord ——, after a +long run of ill-luck, being refused the loan of an additional rouleau,{1} +on account of his score being rather long, left the company in dudgeon, +and determining on revenge, actually opened another Hell in opposition to +the one he had left, and by that means recovered all his money.” + </p> +<p> +“That was well done,” rejoined Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“It was rather too much of a trading concern for a Lord,” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“Not for a gambling Lord,” replied Merry well; “for there is in fact +nothing beneath a Greek, in the way of play: besides, it was a trying +situation, and required some desperate attempt—they care not who +they associate with, so they do but bring grist to the mill.” + </p> +<p> +“The confusion of persons and characters at a Gaming-house,” said Sparkle, +“are almost incredible, all ranks and descriptions are mingled together. +</p> +<p> +“What confusion of titles and persons we see Amongst Gamesters, who spring +out of every degree, From the prince to the pauper; all panting for play, +Their fortune, their time, and their life pass away; Just as mingled are +Pigeons, for 'tis no rebuke For a Greek to pluck all, from a Groom to a +Duke.” + </p> +<p> +“It is too true,” said Dashall, “and equally as certain, that there are +continually new comers ready and willing to be duped, or at least ready to +risk their property, notwithstanding the warnings they have from their +more experienced friends.” + </p> +<p> +“And is there no possibility of obtaining fair play?” inquired Bob, “or +redress for being pigeon'd, as you term it?” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A Rouleau—Is a packet containing one hundred guineas; but +as guineas are not quite so fashionable in the present day +as they formerly were, some of these Houses, for the +accommodation of their customers, circulate guinea-notes +upon their bankers. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[209]</span>"None,” said Sparkle; “for if men will +play at bowls, they must expect rubbers; and the system of confederacy is +carried on every where, though perhaps with most success in those +professed Gambling-houses, which young men of property ought carefully to +avoid.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had reached the end of St. James's Street; it was +therefore proposed by Sparkle that they should separate, particularly as +it was growing late, or rather early in the morning; and, as they had been +in some degree baffled in their attempt to take a minute survey of the +proceedings in Pall Mall, they had no decided object in view. Accordingly +they parted, Tom and Bob pursuing their way along Piccadilly, while +Sparkle, Merrywell, and Mortimer, proceeded down Bond Street. +</p> +<p> +“I am by no means satisfied,” said Tom, “with this evening's ramble, nor +exactly pleased to find our friend Sparkle is getting so sentimental.” + </p> +<p> +“He is, at least,” said Tallyho, “very communicative and instructive—I +should feel less embarrassment at a future visit to one of those places, +though, I can assure you, I should carefully avoid the chance of becoming +a pigeon; but to know these things is certainly useful.” + </p> +<p> +“We must lay our plans better for the future,” said Tom—“example is +better than precept; and, as for Sparkle, I strongly suspect he is +studying a part in All for Love, or the World well lost. That kind of +study is too laborious for me, I can't bear to be fettered; or if it be +true that it is what we must all come to, my time is not yet arrived. +Though I confess Miss Mortimer has many attractions not to be overlooked +by an attentive observer; at the same time I perceive this Mr. Merrywell +is equally assiduous to obtain the young lady's favours.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had arrived at home, where, after partaking of +refreshment, they retired to rest.<span class="pagenum">[210]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0015"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Cataracts of declamation thunder here, +There, forests of no meaning spread the page, +In which all comprehension wanders, lost, +While fields of pleasantry amuse us there +With many descants on a nation's woes. +The rest appears a wilderness of strange, +But gay confusion—roses for the cheeks, +And lilies for the brows of faded age; +Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald, +Heav'n, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets; +Nectareous essences, Olympian dews, +Sermons and City feasts, and fav'rite airs, +Ethereal journeys, submarine exploits, +And Katerfelto with his hair on end, +At his own wonders wond'ring for his bread.” + </div> +<p> +“WELL,” said Tom, “it must be confessed that a Newspaper is a most +convenient and agreeable companion to the breakfast-table,” laying down +the <i>Times</i> as he spoke: “it is a sort of literary hotch-potch, +calculated to afford amusement suited to all tastes, rank-, and degrees; +it contains +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Tales of love and maids mistaken, +Of battles fought, and captives taken.” + </div> +<p> +“Then, I presume,” said Bob, “you have been gratified and interested in +the perusal?” + </p> +<p> +“It is impossible to look down the columns of a newspaper,” replied Tom, +“without finding subjects to impart light; and of all the journals of the +present day, the <i>Times</i> appears to me the best in point of +information and conduct; but I spoke of newspapers generally, there is +such a mixture of the <i>utile et dulce</i>, that the Merchant and the +Mechanic, the Peer, the Poet, the Prelate, and the Peasant, are all deeply +concerned in its contents. In truth, a newspaper is so true a mark of the +caprice of Englishmen, that it may justly be styled their coat of <span +class="pagenum">[211]</span>arms. The Turkish Koran is not near so sacred +to a rigid Mahometan—a parish-dinner to an Overseer—a +turtle-feast to an Alderman, or an election to a Freeholder, as a Gazette +or Newspaper to an Englishman: by it the motions of the world are watched, +and in some degree governed—the arts and sciences protected and +promoted—the virtuous supported and stimulated—the vicious +reproved and corrected—and all informed.” + </p> +<p> +“Consequently,” said Bob, “a good Newspaper is really a valuable article.” + </p> +<p> +“Doubtless,” continued Tom; “and John Bull—mistake me not, I don't +mean the paper which bears that title—I mean the population of +England, enjoy a Newspaper, and there are some who could not relish their +breakfasts without one; it is a sort of general sauce to every thing, and +to the <i>quid nunc</i> is indispensable—for if one informs him of a +naval armament, he will not fail to toast the Admirals all round in pint +bumpers to each, wishes them success, gets drunk with excessive loyalty, +and goes with his head full of seventy-fours, sixty-fours, frigates, +transports, fire-ships, &c. In its diversified pages, persons of every +rank, denomination, and pursuit, may be informed—the Philosopher, +the Politician, the Citizen, the Handicraftsman, and the Gossip, are +regaled by the novelty of its contents, the minuteness of its details, and +the refreshing arrivals of transactions which occupy the attention of +human beings at the greatest or nearest distances from us— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——a messenger of grief +Perhaps to thousands, and of joy to some: +What is it but a map of life, +Its fluctuations and its vast concerns?” + </div> +<p> +It may with propriety be compared to the planetary system: the light which +it diffuses round the mental hemisphere, operates according as it is seen, +felt, understood, or enjoyed: for instance, the Miser is gladdened by an +account of the rise of the stocks—the Mariner is rejoiced, at the +safety of his vessel after a thunder-storm—the Manufacturer, to hear +of the revival of foreign markets—the Merchant, that his cargo is +safely arrived—the Member, that his election is secured—the +Father, that his son is walling to return home—the Poet, that <span +class="pagenum">[212]</span>his production has been favourably received by +the public—the Physician, that a difficult cure is transmitting his +fame to posterity—the Actor, that his talents are duly appreciated—the +Agriculturist, that grain fetches a good price—the upright man, that +his character is defended—the poor man, that beer, meat, bread, and +vegetables, are so within his reach that he can assure himself of being +able to obtain a good Sunday's dinner. +</p> +<p> +“Tho' they differ in narrie, all alike, just the same, Morning Chronicle, +Times, Advertiser, British Press, Morning Post, of News—what a host +We read every day, and grow wiser; The Examiner, Whig—all alive to +the gig, While each one his favourite chooses; Star, Traveller, and Sun, +to keep up the fun, And tell all the world what the news is.” + </p> +<p> +“Well done,” said Bob, “you seem to have them all at your tongue's end, +and their general contents in your head; but, for my part, I am struck +with surprise to know how it is they find interesting matter enough at all +times to fill their columns.” + </p> +<p> +“Nothing more easy,” continued Dashall, “especially for a newspaper whose +contents are not sanctioned by authority; in which case they are so much +the more the receptacle of invention—thence—We hear—it +is said—a correspondent remarks—whereas, &c—all +which serve to please, surprise, and inform. We hear, can alter a man's +face as the weather would a barometer—It is said, can distort +another like a fit of the spasm—If, can make some cry—while +Suppose, can make others laugh—but a Whereas operates like an +electric shock; and though it often runs the extremity of the kingdom in +unison with the rest, they altogether form a very agreeable mixture, +occasionally interspersed, as opportunity offers, with long extracts from +the last published novel, and an account of the prevailing fashions. But +domestic occurrences form a very essential part of this folio: thus, a +marriage hurts an old maid and mortifies a young one, while it consoles +many a poor dejected husband, who is secretly pleased to find another +fallen into his case—a death, if of a wife, makes husbands envy the +widower, while, perhaps, some one of the women who censure his alleged +want of <span class="pagenum">[213]</span>decent sorrow, marry him within +a month after—in fact, every person is put in motion by a Newspaper. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Here various news is found, of love and strife; +Of peace and war, health, sickness, death, and life; +Of loss and gain, of famine and of store; +Of storms at sea, and travels on the shore; +Of prodigies and portents seen in air; +Of fires and plagues, and stars with blazing hair; +Of turns of fortune, changes in the state, +The falls of favourites, projects of the great.” + </div> +<p> +“It is a bill of fare, containing all the luxuries as well as necessaries, +of life. Politics, for instance, are the roast beef of the times; essays, +the plum pudding; and poetry the fritters, confections, custards, and all +the <i>et cotera</i> of the table, usually denominated trifles. Yet the +four winds are not liable to more mutability than the vehicles of these +entertainments; for instance, on Monday, it is whispered—on Tuesday, +it is rumoured—on Wednesday, it is conjectured—on Thursday, it +is probable—on Friday, it is positively asserted—and, on +Saturday, it is premature. But notwithstanding this, some how or other, +all are eventually pleased; for, as the affections of all are divided +among wit, anecdote, poetry, prices of stocks, the arrival of ships, &c. +a Newspaper is a repository where every one has his hobby-horse; without +it, coffee-houses, &c. would be depopulated, and the country squire, +the curate, the exciseman, and the barber, and many others, would lose +those golden opportunities of appearing so very wise as they do. +</p> +<p> +A Newspaper may also be compared to the Seasons. Its information varies on +the roll of Time, and much of it passes away as a Winter, giving many a +bitter pang of the death of a relative or hopeful lover; it is as a +Spring, for, in the time of war and civil commotion, its luminary, the +editor, like the morning sun, leads Hope forward to milder days and +happier prospects—the smiles of peace; it is the heart's Summer +calendar, giving news of marriages and births for heirs and patrons; it is +the Autumn of joy, giving accounts of plenty, and guarding the avaricious +against the snares of self-love, and offering arguments in favour of +humanity. It is more; a Newspaper is one of the most faithful lessons that +can be represented to our reflections, for, while it is the interpreter +<span class="pagenum">[214]</span>of the general economy of nature, it is +a most kind and able instructress to improve ourselves. +</p> +<p> +What are our lives but as the ephemeral appearance of an advertisement? +Our actions but as the actions of a popular contest? Our hopes, fears, +exultations, but as the cross readings of diurnal events? And although +grief is felt at the perusal of accidents, offences, and crimes, which are +necessarily and judiciously given, there is in every good Newspaper an +impartial record, an abstract of the times, a vast fund of useful +knowledge; and, finally, no person has reason, after perusing it, to rise +without being thankful that so useful a medium is offered to his +understanding; at least, this is my opinion.” + </p> +<p> +“And now you have favoured me with this opinion,” rejoined Tallyho, “will +you be kind enough to inform me to what fortunate circumstance I am +indebted for it?” + </p> +<p> +“The question comes very apropos,” continued Tom—“for I had nearly +forgotten that circumstance, so that you may perhaps be inclined to +compare my head to a newspaper, constantly varying from subject to +subject; but no matter, a novelty has just struck my eye, which I think +will afford us much gratification: it is the announcement of an exhibition +of engravings by living artists, under the immediate patronage of his +Majesty, recently opened in Soho Square, through the public spirited +exertions of Mr. Cooke, a celebrated engraver—And now I think of it, +Mortimer and his Sister intend visiting Somerset House—egad! we will +make a morning of it in reviewing the Arts—what say you?” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” returned Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Be it so, then,” said Tom—“So-ho, my boy—perhaps we may meet +the love-sick youth, poor Sparkle; he has certainly received the wound of +the blind urchin—I believe we must pity him—but come, let us +prepare, we will lounge away an hour in walking down Bond Street—peep +at the wags and the wag-tails, and take Soho Square in our way to Somerset +House. I feel myself just in the humour for a bit of gig, and 1 promise +you we will make a night of it.” + </p> +<p> +The preliminaries of their route being thus arranged, in half an hour they +were on their road down Bond Street, marking and remarking upon +circumstances and subjects as they arose. +</p> +<p> +“Who is that Lady?” said Bob, seeing Tom bow as a dashing carriage passed +them. +</p> +<p> +“That is a Lady Townley, according to the generally +</p> +<p> +received term.” + </p> +<p> +“A lady of title, as I suspected,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Yes, yes,” replied Tom Dashall, “a distinguished personage, I can assure +you—one of the most dashing demireps of the present day, basking at +this moment in the plenitude of her good fortune. She is however deserving +of a better fate: well educated and brought up, she was early initiated +into the mysteries and miseries of high life. You seem to wonder at the +title I have given her.” + </p> +<p> +“I am astonished again, I confess,” replied Bob; “but it appears there is +no end to wonders in London—nor can I guess how you so accurately +know them.” + </p> +<p> +“Along residence in London affords opportunities for +</p> +<p> +discovery. +</p> +<p> +“As the French very justly say, that <i>Il n'y a que le premier pas qui +coûte</i>, and just as, with all the sapience of medicine, there is but a +degree betwixt the Doctor and the Student, so, after the first step, there +is but a degree betwixt the Demirep and the gazetted Cyprian, who is known +by head-mark to every insipid Amateur and Fancier in the town. +</p> +<p> +“The number of these frail ones is so great, that, if I were to attempt to +go through the shades and gradations, the distinctions and titles, from +the promiscuous Duchess to the interested Marchande de mode, and from her +down to the Wood Nymphs of the English Opera, there would be such a longo +ordine génies, that although it is a very interesting subject, well worthy +of investigation, it would occupy a considerable portion of time; however, +I will give you a slight sketch of some well known and very topping +articles. Mrs. B——m, commonly called B——g, Mrs. P——n, +and Mrs. H——d, of various life. “The modern Pyrrha, B——g, +has a train as long as an eastern monarch, but it is a train of lovers. +The Honourable B—— C——n, that famous gentleman +miller, had the honour at one time (like Cromwell,) of being the Protector +of the Republic. The infamous Greek, bully, informer and reprobate W——ce, +was her accomplice and paramour at another. Lord V——l boasted +her favours at a third period; and she wished to look upon him in a +fatherly <span class="pagenum">[216]</span>light; but it would not do. Mr. +C. T. S. the nephew of a great naval character, is supposed to have a +greater or prior claim there; but the piebald harlequin is owned not by +“Light horse, but by heavy.” + </p> +<p> +“Mr. P——y, however, was so struck with the increased +</p> +<p> +attractions of this Cyprian, that he offered to be her protector during a +confinement which may be alarming to many, but interesting to a few. This +was being doubly diligent, and accordingly as it was two to one in his +favour, no wonder he succeeded in his suit. The difficulties which Madame +laboured under were sufficient to decide her in this youth's favour; and +the preference, upon such an occasion, must have been highly flattering to +him. On the score of difficulties, Cyprians are quite in fashion; for +executions and arrests are very usual in their mansions, and the last +comer has the exquisite felicity of relieving them. +</p> +<p> +“Although this dashing Lady was the daughter of a bathing woman at +Brighton, she was not enabled to keep her head above water. +</p> +<p> +“I must not forget Poll P——n, whose select friends have such +cause to be proud of lier election. This Diana is not descended from a +member of the Rump Parliament, nor from a bum bailiff; but was the +daughter of a bumboat woman at Plymouth. She has, however, since that +period, commenced business for herself; and that in such a respectable and +extensive line, that she counts exactly seven thousand customers! all +regularly booked. What a delectable amusement to keep such a register! <i>Neanmoins</i>, +or <i>nean plus</i>, if you like. It is reported that the noble Y—— +was so delighted with her at the Venetian fête given by Messrs. W—ll—ms +and D—h—r—ty, that he gave the Virgin Unmasked several +very valuable presents, item, a shawl value one hundred guineas, &c. +and was honoured by being put on this Prime Minister of the Court of +Love's list—number Seven thousand and one! What a fortunate man! +</p> +<p> +“Mrs. H——d is lineally descended, not from William the +Conqueror, but from W——s the coachman. She lived, for a +considerable time, in a mews, and it was thought that it was his love for +the <i>Muses</i> which attached C—— L—— so closely +to her. She was seduced at a most indelicately juvenile age by a Major M——l, +who protected her but a short time, and then deserted her. Then <span +class="pagenum">[217]</span>she became what the Cyprians term Lady Townly, +till Mr. H——d, a youth with considerable West India property +in expectation, married her. +</p> +<p> +“On this happy occasion, her hymeneal flame burned with so much warmth and +purity, that she shared it with a linen-draper, and the circumstance +became almost immediately known to the husband! This was a happy presage +of future connubial felicity! The very day before this domestic exposure, +and the happy vigil of Mr. H——d's happier “<i>jour des noces</i>,” + the darling of the Muses or Mewses, Mr. L—— procured Lady H——d's +private box for her at one of the theatres, whither she and Mrs. CI——y, +the mistress of an officer of that name, repaired in the carriage of the +Mews lover, which has become completely “the Demirep or Cyprian's +Diligence,” and these patterns for the fair sex had poured out such +plentiful libations to Bacchus, that her ladyship's box exhibited the +effects of their devotions! What a regale for the Princess of Madagascar! +</p> +<p> +“The guardians, or trustees, of Mr. H——d now withheld his +property, and Madame assisted him into the King's Bench, during which time +she kept terms with Mr. L—— at Oxford. On her return, she got +acquainted with a Capt. Cr——ks, whom she contrived soon +afterwards to lodge, in the next room to her husband, in the Bench; but to +whom she kindly gave the preference in her visits. +</p> +<p> +“Whether C—— L——, W—lk—s the +linen-draper, or Capt. C——k, be the most favoured swain, or +swine, I venture not to say; but the former has devoted his time, his +chariot, and his female acquaintances' boxes in public to her. As a pledge +of his love, she helped herself to a loose picture of great value +belonging to him, which very nearly fell into the hands of John Doe or +Richard Roe, on her husband's account, afterwards. The palm should, +however, certainly be given to Mr. L——, as he courted her +classically, moralized to her sentimentally, sung psalms and prayed with +her fervently, and, on all occasions, treated her like a lady.” + </p> +<p> +“Ha,” said a fashionably dressed young man, who approached towards +Dashall, “Ha, my dear fellow, how goes it with you? Haven't seen you this +month; d——d unlucky circumstance—wanted you very much +indeed—glorious sport—<i>all jolly and bang up</i>.” <span +class="pagenum">[218]</span>"Glad to hear it,” said Tom,—“sorry you +should have experienced any wants on my account.” + </p> +<p> +“Which way are you going? Come along, I'll tell you of such a spree—regular, +and nothing but—You must know, a few days ago, sauntering down +Bond-street, I overtook Sir G. W. 'Ha! my gay fellow,' said he, 'I thought +you were at Bibury; you're the very man I want. My brother Jack has lost a +rump and dozen to a young one, and we want to make up a select party, a +set of real hardheaded fellows, to share the feast. I have already +recruited Sir M. M., the buck Parson, Lord Lavender, and Tom Shuffleton. +Then there's yourself, I hope, my brother and I, the young one, and A——'s +deputy, the reprobate Curate, whom we will have to make fun of. We dine at +half-past seven, at Long's, and there will be some sport, I assure you.' +</p> +<p> +“I accepted the invitation, and met the company before mentioned. A rump +and dozen is always a nominal thing. There was no rump, except Lavender's, +which projects like a female's from the bottom of a tight-laced pair of +stays; and as for the dozen, I believe we drank nearer three dozen of +different expensive wines, which were tasted one after the other with a +quickness of succession, which at last left no taste, but a taste for more +drink, and for all sorts of wickedness. +</p> +<p> +“This tasting plan is a very successful trick of tavern keepers, which +enables them to carry off half bottles of wine, to swell the reckoning +most amazingly, and so to bewilder people as to the qualities of the wine, +that any thing, provided it be strong and not acid, will go down at the +heel of the evening. It is also a grand manouvre; to intoxicate a Johnny +Raw, and to astonish his weak mind with admiration for the founder of the +feast. Therefore, the old trick of 'I have got some particularly +high-flavoured Burgundy, which Lord Lavender very much approved t'other +day;' and, 'Might I, Sir, ask your opinion of a new importation of +Sillery?' or, 'My Lord, 1 have bought all the Nabob's East India Madeira,' +&c. was successfully practised. +</p> +<p> +“Through the first course we were stag-hunting, to a man, and killed the +stag just as the second course came on the table. This course was occupied +by a great number of long shots of Sir M. M., and by Lavender offering to +back himself and the buck Parson against any other two <span +class="pagenum">[219]</span>men in England, as to the number of head of +game which they would bag from sun-rise to sun-set upon the moors. A foot +race, and a dispute as to the odds betted on the second October Meeting, +occupied the third course. The desert was enlivened by a list of ladies of +all descriptions, whose characters were cut up full as ably as the haunch +of venison was carved; and here boasting of success in love was as general +as the custom is base. One man of fashion goes by the name of Kiss and +tell. +</p> +<p> +“After an hour of hard drinking, as though it had been for a wager, a +number of very manly, nice little innocent and instructive amusements were +resorted to. We had a most excellent maggot race for a hundred; and then a +handycap for a future poney race. We had pitching a guinea into a +decanter, at which the young one lost considerably. We had a raffle for a +gold snuff box, a challenge of fifty against Lord Lavender's Dusseldorf +Pipe, and five hundred betted upon the number of shot to be put into a Joe +Manton Rifle. We played at <i>te-to-tum</i>; and the young one leaped over +a handkerchief six feet high for a wager: he performed extremely well at +first, but at last Lavender, who betted against him, kept plying him so +with wine, and daring him to an inch higher and higher, until at last the +young one broke his nose, and lost five hundred guineas by his boyish +diversion. +</p> +<p> +Now we had a fulminating letter introduced as a hoax upon Shuffleton; +next, devils and broiled bones; then some blasphemous songs from the +Curate, who afterwards fell asleep, and thus furnished an opportunity for +having his face blacked. We then got in a band of itinerant musicians; put +crackers in their pockets; cut off one fellow's tail; and had a milling +match betwixt the baronet in the chair and the stoutest of them, who, +having had spirits of wine poured over his head, refused to let the candle +be put to it! +</p> +<p> +Peace being restored, a regular supper appeared; and then a regular set-to +at play, where I perceived divers signals thrown out, such as rubbing of +foreheads and chins, taking two pinches of snuff and other private +telegraphic communications, the result of which was, the young one, just +of age, being greeked to a very great amount. +</p> +<p> +We now sallied forth, like a pack in full cry, with all the loud +expression of mirth and riot, and proceeded to <span class="pagenum">[220]</span>old +77, which, being shut up, we swore like troopers, and broke the parlour +windows in a rage. We next cut the traces of a hackney coach, and led the +horses into a mews, ?where we tied them up; coachee being asleep inside +the whole time. We then proceeded to old <i>Ham-a-dry-ed</i>, the bacon +man's, called out Fire, and got the old man down to the door in his shirt, +when Lavender ran away with his night-cap, and threw it into the water in +St. James's Square, whilst the Baronet put it in right and left at his +sconce, and told him to hide his d——d ugly masard. This +induced him to come out and call the Watch, during which time the buck +Parson got into his house, and was very snug with the cook wench until the +next evening, when <i>old fusty mug</i> went out upon business. +</p> +<p> +After giving a view holloa! we ran off, with the Charleys in full cry +after us, when Sir G. W., who had purposely provided himself with a long +cord, gave me one end, and ran to the opposite side of Jermyn Street with +the other in his hand, holding it about two feet from the pavement. The +old Scouts came up in droves, and we had 'em down in a moment, for every +mother's son of the guardians were caught in the trap, and rolled over +each other slap into the kennel. Never was such a prime bit of gig! They +lay stunn'd with the fall—broken lanterns, staves, rattles, Welsh +wigs, night-caps and old hats, were scattered about in abundance, while +grunting, growling, and swearing was heard in all directions. One old buck +got his jaw-bone broken; another staved in two of his crazy timbers, that +is to say, broke a couple of ribs; a third bled from the nose like a pig; +a fourth squinted admirably from a pair of painted peepers; their numbers +however increasing, we divided our forces and marched in opposite +directions; one party sallied along Bond Street, nailed up a snoosy +Charley in his box, and bolted with his lantern: the others were not so +fortunate, for A——'s deputy cushion thumper, the young one, +and the Baronet's brother, got safely lodged in St. James's Watch-house. +</p> +<p> +“Broad daylight now glar'd upon us—Lavender retired comfortably upon +Madame la Comtesse in the Bench; Sir M. M. was found chanting Cannons with +some Wood nymphs not an hundred and fifty miles off from Leicester Square; +I had the President to carry home on my shoulders, bundled to bed, and +there I lay sick for four and twenty hours, when a little inspiring Coniac +brought <span class="pagenum">[221]</span>me to my senses again, and now I +am ready and ripe for another spree. Stap my vitals if there isn't +Lavender—my dear fellow, adieu—remember me to Charley Sparkle +when you see him—by, by.” And with this he sprung across the road, +leaving Bob and his Cousin to comment at leisure upon his folly. +</p> +<p> +They were however soon aroused from their reflections by perceiving a +Groom in livery advancing rapidly towards them, followed by a curricle, +moving at the rate of full nine miles per hour. +</p> +<p> +“Who have we here?” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“A character well known,” said Tom; “that is Lady L——, a +dashing female whip of the first order—mark how she manages her tits—take +a peep at her costume and learn while you look.” + </p> +<p> +“More than one steed must Delia's empire feel Who sits triumphant o'er the +flying wheel; And as she guides it through th' admiring throng, With what +an air she smacks the silken thong!” + </p> +<p> +The Lady had a small round riding-hat, of black beaver, and sat in the +true attitude of a coachman—wrists pliant, elbows square, she +handled her whip in a scientific manner; and had not Tom declared her sex, +Bob would hardly have discovered it from her outward appearance. She was +approaching them at a brisk trot, greeting her numerous acquaintance as +she passed with familiar nods, at each giving her horses an additional +touch, and pursing up her lips to accelerate their speed; indeed, she was +so intent upon the management of her reins, and her eyes so fixed upon her +cattle, that there was no time for more than a sort of sidelong glance of +recognition; and every additional smack of the whip seem'd to say, “<i>Here +I come—that's your sort</i>.” Her whole manner indeed was very +similar to what may be witnessed in Stage-coachmen, Hackneymen, and +fashionable Ruffians, who appear to think that all merit consists in +copying them when they tip a brother whip the go-by, or almost graze the +wheel of a Johnny-raw, and turn round with a grin of self-approbation, as +much as to say—“<i>What d'ye think of that now, eh f—there's a +touch for you—lord, what a flat you must be!</i>” + </p> +<p> +Bob gazed with wonder and astonishment as she passed. +</p> +<p> +“How?” said he, “do the ladies of London frequently take the whip?—” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[222]</span>”—Hand of their husbands as well +as their horses,” replied Tom—“often enough, be assured.” + </p> +<p> +“But how, in the name of wonder, do they learn to drive in this style?” + </p> +<p> +“Easily enough; inclination and determination will accomplish their +objects. Why, among the softer sex, we have female Anatomists—female +Students in Natural History—Sculptors, and Mechanics of all +descriptions—Shoe-makers and Match-makers—and why not +Charioteers?” + </p> +<p> +“Nay, I am not asking why; but as it appears rather out of the common way, +I confess my ignorance has excited my curiosity on a subject which seems +somewhat out of nature.” + </p> +<p> +“I have before told you, Nature has nothing to do with Real Life in +London.” + </p> +<p> +“And yet,” continued Bob, “we are told, and I cannot help confessing the +truth of the assertion, with respect to the ladies, that +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——Loveliness +Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, +But is, when unadorned, adorn'd the most,” + This certainly implies a natural or native grace.” + </div> +<p> +“Pshaw,” said Dashall, “that was according to the Old school; such +doctrines are completely exploded now-a-days, for Fashion is at variance +with Nature in all her walks; hence, driving is considered one of the +accomplishments necessary to be acquired by the female sex in high life, +by which an estimate of character may be formed: for instance—if a +lady take the reins of her husband, her brother, or a lover, it is +strongly indicative of assuming the mastery; but should she have no +courage or muscular strength, and pays no attention to the art of +governing and guiding her cattle, it is plain that she will become no +driver, no whip, and may daily run the risk of breaking the necks of +herself and friends. If however she should excel in this study, she +immediately becomes masculine and severe, and she punishes, when occasion +requires, every animal within the reach of her lash—acquires an +ungraceful attitude and manner—heats her complexion by over exertion—sacrifices +her softness to accomplish her intentions—runs a risk of having hard +hands, and perhaps a hard heart: at all events she gains unfeminine +habits, and <span class="pagenum">[223]</span>such as are found very +difficult to get rid of, and prides herself on being the go, the gaze, the +gape, the stare of all who see her.” + </p> +<p> +“A very admirable, and no doubt equally happy state,” quoth Bob, half +interrupting him. +</p> +<p> +“If she learn the art of driving from the family coachman, it cannot be +doubted but such tuition is more than likely to give her additional grace, +and to teach her all that is polite; and then the pleasure of such company +whilst superintending her studies, must tend to improve her mind; the +freedom of these teachers of coachmanship, and the language peculiar to +themselves, at first perhaps not altogether agreeable, is gradually worn +away by the pride of becoming an accomplished whip—to know how to <i>turn +a corner in style—tickle Snarler in the ear—cut up the yelper—take +out a fly's eye in bang-up twig</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“Excellent! indeed,” cried Bob, charmed with Dashall's irony, and willing +to provoke it farther; “and pray, when this art of driving is thoroughly +learned, what does it tend to but a waste of time, a masculine enjoyment, +and a loss of feminine character—of that sweet, soft and +overpowering submission to and reliance on the other sex, which, whilst it +demands our protection and assistance, arouses our dearest sympathies—our +best interests—attaches, enraptures, and subdues us?” + </p> +<p> +“Nonsense,” continued Tom, “you might ask such questions for a month—who +cares about these submissions and reliances—protections and +sympathies—they are not known, at least it is very unfashionable to +acknowledge their existence. Why I have known ladies so infatuated and +affected by an inordinate love of charioteering, that it has completely +altered them, not only as to dress, but manners and feeling, till at +length they have become more at home in the stable than the drawing-room; +and some, that are so different when dressed for dinner, that the driving +habiliments appear like complete masquerade disguises. Indeed, any thing +that is natural is considered quite out of nature; and this affectation is +not wholly confined to the higher circles, for in the City even the men +and the women seem to have changed places. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Man-milliners and mantua-makers swarm +With clumsy hands to deck the female form— +With brawny limbs to fit fine ladies' shapes, +Or measure out their ribbons, lace and tapes; +Or their rude eye the bosom's swell surveys, +To cut out corsets or to stitch their stays; +Or making essences and soft perfume, +Or paint, to give the pallid cheek fresh bloom; +Or with hot irons, combs, and frizzling skill, +On ladies' heads their daily task fulfil; +Or, deeply versed in culinary arts, +Are kneading pasty, making pies and tarts; +Or, clad in motley coat, the footman neat +Is dangling after Miss with shuffling feet, +Bearing in state to church her book of pray'r, +Or the light pocket she disdains to wear;{1} +Or in a parlour snug, 'the powdered lout +The tea and bread and butter hands about. +Where are the women, whose less nervous hands +Might fit these lighter tasks, which pride demands? +Some feel the scorn that poverty attends, +Or pine in meek dépendance on their friends; +Some patient ply the needle day by day, +Poor half-paid seamsters, wasting life away; +Some drudge in menial, dirty, ceaseless toil, +Bear market loads, or grovelling weed the soil; +Some walk abroad, a nuisance where they go, +And snatch from infamy the bread of woe.” + </div> +<p> +“It is a strange sort of infatuation, this fashion,” said Bob, “and it is +much to be regretted it should operate so much to the injury of the fair—” + </p> +<p> +“Do you see that young man on the opposite side of the way,"inquired +Dashall,(stopping him short) “in nankin breeches and jockey-boots?” + </p> +<p> +“I do,” replied Tallyho; “and pray who is he?” + </p> +<p> +“The son of a wealthy Baronet who, with an eye to the main chance in early +life, engaged in some mercantile speculations, which proving productive +concerns, have elevated him to his present dignity, beyond which it is +said he cannot go on account of his having once kept a shop. This son is +one of what may be termed the <i>Ciphers of society</i>, a sort of useful +article, like an 0 in arithmetic, to denominate numbers; one of those +characters, if character it may be termed, of which this Metropolis and +its vicinity would furnish us with regiments. Indeed, the +</p> +<p> +1 It is related that a young lady of <i>haut ton</i> in Paris was observed +to have a tall fellow always following her wherever she went. Her +grandmother one day asked her what occasion there was for that man to be +always following her; to which she replied—“I must blow my nose, +must not I, when I want?” This great genius was actually employed to carry +her pocket-handkerchief. <span class="pagenum">[225]</span>general run of +Fashionables are little better than Ciphers,—very necessary at times +in the House of Commons, to suit the purposes and forward the intentions +of the Ministers, by which they obtain <i>titles</i> to which they are not +<i>entitled,</i> and transmit to posterity a race of ennobled boobies. +What company, what society does not abound with Ciphers, and oftentimes in +such plenty that they are even serviceable to make the society +considerable? What could we do to express on paper five hundred without +the two ciphers, or being compelled to write eleven letters to explain +what is equally well done in three figures? These Ciphers are useful at +general meetings upon public questions, though, if they were all collected +together in point of intellectual value, they would amount to nought. They +are equally important as counters at a card-table, they tell for more than +they are worth. Among the City Companies there are many of them to be +found: and the Army is not deficient, though great care is generally taken +to send the most conspicuous Ciphers on foreign service. Public offices +under Government swarm with them; and how many round O's or ciphers may be +found among the gentlemen of the long robe, who, as Hudibras observes, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——never ope +Their mouths, but out there flies a trope.” + </div> +<p> +In the twelve Judges it must be allowed there is no cipher, because they +have two figures to support them; but take these two figures away, and the +whole wit of mankind may be defied to patch up or recruit the number +without having recourse to the race of Ciphers. +</p> +<p> +“I have known a Cipher make a profound Statesman and a Secretary—nay, +an Ambassador; but then it must be confess'd it has been by the timely and +prudent application of proper supporters; and it is certain, that Ciphers +have more than once shewn themselves significant in high posts and +stations, and in more reigns than one. Bounteous nature indulges mankind +in a boundless variety of characters as well as features, and has given +Ciphers to make up numbers, and very often by such additions renders the +few much more significant and conspicuous. The Church has its Ciphers—for +a mitre looks as well on a round 0 as on any letter in the alphabet, <span +class="pagenum">[226]</span>and the expense to the nation is equally the +same; consequently, John Bull has no right to complain. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“See in Pomposo a polite divine, +More gay than grave, not half so sound as fine; +The ladies' parson, proudly skill'd is he, +To 'tend their toilet and pour out their tea; +Foremost to lead the dance, or patient sit +To deal the cards out, or deal out small wit; +Then oh! in public, what a perfect beau, +So powder'd and so trimm'd for pulpit show; +So well equipp'd to tickle ears polite +With pretty little subjects, short and trite. +Well cull'd and garbled from the good old store +Of polish'd sermons often preached before; +With precious scraps from moral Shakespeare brought. +To fill up awkward vacancies of thought, +Or shew how he the orator can play +Whene'er he meets with some good thing to say, +Or prove his taste correct, his memory strong, +Nor let his fifteen minutes seem too long: +His slumbering mind no knotty point pursues, +Save when contending for his tithes or dues.” + </div> +<p> +Thus far, although it must be allowed that ciphers are of use, it is not +every cipher that is truly useful. There are Ciphers of indolence, to +which some mistaken men give the title of men of fine parts—there +are Ciphers of Self-interest, to which others more wrongfully give the +name of Patriots—there are Bacchanalian Ciphers, who will not leave +the bottle to save the nation, but will continue to guzzle till no one +figure in Arithmetic is sufficient to support them—then there are +Ciphers of Venus, who will abandon all state affairs to follow a Cyprian, +even at the risk of injuring a deserving wife—Military Ciphers, who +forsake the pursuit of glory, and distrustful of their own merit or +courage, affirm their distrust by a sedulous attendance at the levees of +men of power. In short, every man, in my humble opinion, is no other than +a Cipher who does not apply his talents to the care of his morals and the +benefit of his country.” + </p> +<p> +“You have been ciphering for some time,” said Boh, “and I suppose you have +now finished your sum.” + </p> +<p> +“I confess,” continued Tom, “it has been a puzzling one—for, to make +something out of nothing is impossible.” + </p> +<p> +“Not in all cases,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“How so?—why you have proved it by your own shewing, that these +nothings are to be made something of.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[227]</span>"I perceive,” replied Tom, “that your +acquaintance with Sparkle is not thrown away upon you; and it argues well, +for if you are so ready a pupil at imbibing his lessons, you will soon +become a proficient in London manners and conversation; but a Cipher is +like a <i>round robin</i>,{1} it has neither beginning nor end: its centre +is vacancy, its circle ambiguity, and it stands for nothing, unless in +certain connections.” + </p> +<p> +They were now proceeding gently along Oxford Street, in pursuit of their +way to Soho Square, and met with little worthy of note or remark until +they arrived near the end of Newman Street, where a number of workmen were +digging up the earth for the purpose of making new-drains. The pathway was +railed from the road by scaffolding poles strongly driven into the ground, +and securely tied together to prevent interruption from the passengers.—Tom +was remarking upon the hardihood and utility of the labourers at the +moment when a fountain of water was issuing from a broken pipe, which +arose as high as a two pair of stairs window, a circumstance which quickly +drew a number of spectators around, and, among the rest, Tom and his +Cousin could not resist an inclination to spend a few minutes in viewing +the proceedings. +</p> +<p> +The Irish <i>jontlemen</i>, who made two or three ineffectual attempts to +stop the breach, alternately got soused by the increased violence of the +water, and at every attempt were saluted by the loud laughter of the +surrounding multitude. +</p> +<p> +To feelings naturally warm and irritable, these vociferations of amusement +and delight at their defeat, served but to exasperate and enrage; and the +Irishmen in strong terms expressed their indignation at the merriment +which their abortive attempts appeared to excite: at length, one of the <i>Paddies</i> +having cut a piece of wood, as he conceived, sufficient to stop the +effusion of water, with some degree of adroitness thrust his arm into the +foaming fluid, and for a moment appeared to have arrested its progress. +</p> +<p> +“<i>Blood-an-owns!</i> Murphy,” cried he, “scoop away the water, and be +after handing over the mallet this way.” In a moment the spades of his +comrades were seen in +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Round Rubin—A Letter or Billet, so composed as to have +the signatures of many persons in a circle, in order that +the reader may not be able to discover which of the party +signed first or last. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[228]</span>action to accomplish his instructions, +while one, who was not in a humour to hear the taunts of the crowd, very +politely scoop'd the water with his hands among the spectators, which +created a general desire to avoid his liberal and plentiful besprinklings, +and at the same time considerable confusion among men, women, and +children, who, in effecting their escape, were seen tumbling and rolling +over each other in all directions. +</p> +<p> +“Be off wid you all, and be d——d to you,” said the Hibernian; +while those who were fortunate enough to escape the cooling fluid he was +so indifferently dispensing, laughed heartily at their less favoured +companions. +</p> +<p> +Bob was for moving onward. +</p> +<p> +“Hold,” said Dash all, “it is two to one but you will see some fun here.” + </p> +<p> +He had scarcely said the word, when a brawny Porter in a fustian jacket, +with his knot slung across his shoulder, manifested dislike to the manner +in which the Irish <i>jontleman</i> was pursuing his amusement. +</p> +<p> +“D——n your Irish eyes,” said he, “don't throw your water here, +or I'll lend you my <i>bunch of fives</i>.” {l} +</p> +<p> +“Be after being off, there,” replied Pat; and, without hesitation, +continued his employment. +</p> +<p> +The Porter was resolute, and upon receiving an additional salute, jumped +over the railings, and re-saluted poor Pat with a <i>muzzier</i>,{2} which +drew his claret in a moment. The Irishman endeavoured to rally, while the +crowd cheered the Porter and hooted the Labourer. This was the signal for +hostilities. The man who had plugg'd up the broken pipe let go his hold, +and the fountain was playing away as briskly as ever—all was +confusion, and the neighbourhood in alarm. The workmen, with spades and +pick-axes, gathered round their comrade, and there was reason to apprehend +serious mischief would occur; one of them hit the Porter with his spade, +and several others were prepared to follow his example; while a second, +who seem'd a little more blood-thirsty than the rest, raised his pickaxe +in a menacing attitude; upon perceiving which, Dashall jump'd over the +rail and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Bunch of fives—A flash term for the fist, frequently made +use of among the lads of the Fancy, who address each other +some-times in a friendly way, with—Ha, Bill, how goes it?— +tip us your bunch of fives, my boy. + +2 Muzzier—A blow on the mouth. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[229]</span>arrested his arm, or, if the blow had +been struck, murder must have ensued. In the mean time, several other +persons, following Tom's example, had disarmed the remainder. A +fellow-labourer, who had been engaged at a short distance, from the +immediate scene of action, attacked the man who had raised the pickaxe, +between whom a pugilistic encounter took place, the former swearing, 'By +Jasus, they were a set of cowardly rascals, and deserved <i>quilting</i>.'{1} +The water was flowing copiously—shovels, pickaxes, barrows, lanterns +and other implements were strewed around them—the crowd increased—Tom +left the combatants (when he conceived no real danger of unfair advantage +being taken was to be apprehended) to enjoy their rolling in the mud; +while the Porter, who had escaped the vengeance of his opponents, was +explaining to those around him, and expostulating with the first +aggressor, upon the impropriety of his conduct. The shouts of the +multitude at the courageous proceedings of the Porter, and the hootings at +the shameful and cowardly manner of defence pursued by the Labourers, +roused the blood of the Irishmen, and one again seized a spade to attack a +Coal-heaver who espoused the cause of the Porter—a disposition was +again manifested to cut down any one who dared to entertain opinions +opposite to their own—immediately a shower of mud and stones was +directed towards him—the spade was taken away, and the Irishmen +armed themselves in a similar way with the largest stones they could find +suitable for throwing. In this state of things, the houses and the windows +in the neighbourhood were threatened with serious damage. The crowd +retreated hallooing, shouting, hissing, and groaning; and in this part of +the affray Bob got himself well bespattered with mud. Tom again +interfered, and after a few minutes, persuaded the multitude to desist, +and the Irishmen to drop their weapons. The Porter made his escape, and +the men resumed their work; but, upon Dashall's return to the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Quilting—To quilt a person among the knowing Covies, is +to give another a good thrashing; probably, this originated +in the idea of warming—as a quilt is a warm companion, so a +set-to is equally productive of heat; whether the allusion +holds good with respect to comfort, must be left to the +decision of those who try it on, (which is to make any +attempt or essay where success is doubtful.) +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[230]</span>spot where he had left Tallyho, the +latter was not to be found; he was however quickly relieved from suspense. +</p> +<p> +“Sir,” said a stout man, “the neighbourhood is greatly indebted to your +exertions in suppressing a riot from which much mischief was to be +apprehended—your friend is close at hand, if you will step this way, +you will find him—he is getting his coat brushed at my house, and +has sustained no injury.” + </p> +<p> +“It is a lucky circumstance for him,” said Tom: “and I think myself +fortunate upon the same account, for I assure you I was very apprehensive +of some serious mischief resulting from the disturbance."<span +class="pagenum">[231]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2HCH0016"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XVI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Blest be the pencil which from death can save +The semblance of the virtuous, wise and brave, +That youth and emulation still may gaze +On those inspiring forms of ancient days, +And, from the force of bright example bold, +Rival their worth, and be what they behold.” + +“.....I admire, +None more admires the painter's magic skill, +Who shews me that which I shall never see, +Conveys a distant country into mine, +And throws Italian light on British walls.” + </div> +<p> +AS they entered the house, a few doors up Newman Street, Tallyho met them, +having divested himself of the mud which had been thrown upon his garments +by the indiscriminating hand of an enraged multitude; and after politely +thanking the gentleman for his friendly accommodation, they were about to +proceed to the place of their original destination; when Dashall, +perceiving an elegantly dressed lady on the opposite side of the way, +felt, instinctively as it were, for the usual appendage of a modern +fashionable, the quizzing-glass; in the performance of this he was +subjected to a double disappointment, for his rencontre with the +Hibernians had shivered the fragile ornament to atoms in his pocket, and +before he could draw forth the useless fragments, the more important +object of his attention was beyond the power of his visual orbs. +</p> +<p> +“It might have been worse,” said he, as he survey'd the broken bauble: “it +is a loss which can easily be repaired, and if in losing that, I have +prevented more serious mischief, there is at least some consolation. +Apropos, here is the very place for supplying the defect without loss of +time. Dixon,” {1} continued he, looking at +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This gentleman, whose persevering endeavours in his +profession entitle him to the patronage of the public, +without pretending to second sight, or the powers that are +so frequently attributed to the seventh son of a seventh +son, has thrown some new lights upon the world. Although he +does not pretend to make “Helps to Read,” his establishment +at No. 93, Newman Street, Oxford Road, of upwards of thirty +years' standing, is deservedly celebrated for glasses suited +to all sights, manufactured upon principles derived from +long study and practical experience. Indeed, if we are to- +place any reliance on his Advertisements, he has brought +them to a state of perfection never before attained, and not +to be surpassed. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[232]</span>the name over the door—“aye, I +remember to have seen his advertisements in the papers, and have no doubt +I may be suited here to a <i>shaving</i>” + </p> +<p> +Upon saying this, they entered the house, and found the improver of +spectacles and eye-glasses surrounded with the articles of his trade, who, +in a moment, recognized Tom as the chief instrument in quelling the +tumult, and added his acknowledgments to what had already been offered for +his successful exertions, assuring him at the same time, that as he +considered sight to be one of the most invaluable blessings “bestowed on +mankind, he had for many years devoted the whole of his time and attention +to the improvement of glasses—put into his hand a short treatise on +the subject, and on the important assistance which may be afforded by a +judicious selection of spectacles to naturally imperfect or overstrained +eyes. Bob, in the mean time, was amusing himself with reading bills, +pamphlets, and newspapers, which lay upon the counter. +</p> +<p> +Dashall listened with attention to his dissertation on sight, spectacles, +focusses, lens, reflection, refraction, &c.; but, as he was not +defective in the particular organs alluded to, felt but little interested +on the subject; selected what he really wanted, or rather what etiquette +required, when, to their great gratification, in came Sparkle. After the +first salutations were over, the latter purchased an opera-glass; then, in +company with Tom and Bob, proceeded to Oxford Street, and upon learning +their destination, determined also to take a peep at the Exhibition. +</p> +<p> +“Come along,” said Tom, catching hold of his arm, and directing him +towards Soho Square. But Sparkle recollecting that he had appointed to +meet Miss Mortimer, her Brother, and Merry well, to accompany them to +Somerset House, and finding time had escaped with more <span +class="pagenum">[233]</span>rapidity than he expected, wished them a good +morning, hoped they should meet again in the course of the day, and +departed. +</p> +<p> +“You see,” said Tom, “Sparkle is fully engaged in the business of love; +Miss Mortimer claims all his attention for the present.” + </p> +<p> +“You appear to be very envious of his enjoyments,” replied Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Not so, indeed,” continued Tom; “I am only regretting that other pursuits +have estranged him from our company.” + </p> +<p> +On entering the Exhibition at Soho, Tom, whose well-known taste for +science and art, and particularly for the productions of the pencil and +graver, had already rendered him conspicuous among those who knew him, +made the following remarks: “I am really glad,” said he, “to find that the +eminent engravers of our country have at length adopted a method of +bringing at one view before the public, a delineation of the progress made +by our artists in a branch so essentially connected with the performance +and durability of the Fine Arts. An Exhibition of this kind is well +calculated to dispel the vulgar error, that engraving is a servile art in +the scale of works of the mind, and mostly consigned to the copyist. An +Establishment of this kind has long been wanted, and is deserving of +extensive patronage.” + </p> +<p> +Having secured Catalogues, they proceeded immediately to the gratifying +scene.{1} The disposition and arrangement +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The major part of the 405 subjects and sets of subjects, +consisting of about 800 prints, are of moderate size, or +small engravings for descriptive or literary publications, +&e. They are the lesser diamonds in a valuable collection of +jewellery, where there are but few that are not of lucid +excellence, and worthy of glistening in the diadem of +Apollo, or the cestus of Venus. So indeed they have, for +here are many subjects from ancient and modern poetry, and +other literature, and from portraits of beautiful women. +Among the first class, the exquisitely finishing graver of +Mr. Warren gives us many after the designs of Messrs. +Westall, Wilkie, Smirke, Cooke, Uwins, and Corbould; as do +the lucid gravers of Messrs. Englehart and Rhodes, the +nicely executing hands of Messrs. Mitan, Romney, Finden, +Robinson, &c. Among the latter class, are <i>Anna Boleyn</i>, &c. +by Mr. Scriven, who marks so accurately the character of the +objects, and of the Painter he works from, in his well +blended dot and stroke; Mrs. Hope, by Dawe; many lovely +women, by Mr. Reynolds; a Courtship, by Mr. Warren, from +Terburg, in the Marquis of Stafford's Collection; two Mary +Queen of Scots, by Messrs. Warren and Cooper.——From +pictures of the old and modern Masters, are capital +Portraits of celebrated characters of former and present +times; of Mrs. Siddons, of Cicero, M. Angelo, Parmigiano, +Fenelon, Raleigh, A. Durer, Erasmus, Cromwell, Ben Jonson, +Selden, Swift, Gay, Sterne, Garrick, &c. of Byron, +Bonaparte, West, Kenible, young Napoleon, of nearly all the +English Royal Family, and many of the Nobility. + +——Of all the charmingly engraved Landscapes of foreign +and home Views, and of the Animal pieces, are many from +Messrs. W. B. and G. Cooke's recent publications of The +Coast of England, &c. of Mr. Hakewell's Italy, Mr. Nash's +Paris, Captain Batty's France, &c. Mr. Neale's Vieios, many +of Mr. Scott's and Mr. Milton's fine Animal Prints; +exquisitely engraved Architecture by Mr. Le Keaux, Mr. +Lowry, Mr. G. Cooke, &c. Among the large Prints are the two +last of Mr. Holloway's noble set from Raffaelle's Cartoons; +the Battle of Leipzig, finely executed by Mr. Scott, and +containing Portraits of those monstrous assailers of Italy +and of the common rights of mankind, the Emperors of Austria +and Russia; Jaques from Shakspeare, by Mr. Middiman, +Reynolds' Infant Hercules by Mr. Ward, The Bard, by J. +Bromley, jun. possessing the energy of the original by the +late President Mr. West, and The Poacher detected, by Mr. +Lupton, from Mr. Kidd's beautiful picture. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[234]</span>of the plates, and the company dispersed +in various parts of the rooms, were the first objects of attention, and +the whole appearance was truly pleasing. At one end was to be seen an old +Connoisseur examining a most beautiful engraving from an excellent drawing +by Clennell{1}—-another contemplating the brilliance of Goodall in +his beautiful print of the Fountains of Neptune in the Gardens of +Versailles. Dash all, who generally took care to see all before him, +animate and inanimate, was occasionally +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Luke Clennell—This unfortunate artist, a native of +Morpeth, in Northumberland, and known to the world as an +eminent engraver on wood, as well as a painter of no +ordinary talent, has furnished one of those cases of human +distress and misery which calls for the sympathy and aid of +every friend to forlorn genius. In the midst of a +prosperous career, with fortune “both hands full,” smiling +on every side, munificently treated by the British +Institution, employed on an important work by the Earl of +Bridgewater (a picture of the Fête given by the City of +London to the Allied Sovereigns,) and with no prospect but +that delightful one of fame and independence, earned by his +own exertions, the most dreadful affliction of life befel +him, and insanity rooted where taste and judgment so +conspicuously shone. The wretched artist was of necessity +separated from his family; his young wife, the mother of his +three infants, descended to the grave a broken-hearted +victim, leaving the poor orphans destitute. The Print +alluded to in this case, representing the Charge of the Life +Guards at Waterloo in 1816, was published by subscription +for their benefit. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[235]</span>casting glimpses at the pictures and the +sprightly females by which they were surrounded, and drawing his Cousin to +such subjects as appeared to be most deserving of attention; among which, +the fine effect produced by Mr. W. B. Cooke stood high in his estimation, +particularly in his View of Edinburgh from Calton Hill, and Brightling +Observatory in Rose Hill—Le Keux, in his Monument, also partook of +his encomiums—T. Woolroth's Portraits, particularly that of the +Duchess of Kent, claimed attention, and was deservedly admired, as well as +a smaller one of Mr. Shalis by the same artist; indeed, the whole appeared +to be selected, combined and arranged under the direction of a master, and +calculated at once to surprise and delight. After enjoying an hour's +lounge in this agreeable company, +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Dashall, “we will repair to Somerset House, and amuse +ourselves with colours. +</p> +<p> +“Halloo!” said a smart looking young man behind them—“<i>what am you +arter?—where is you going to?</i>” + </p> +<p> +Upon turning round, Dashall discovered it to be the exquisite Mr. +Mincingait, who, having just caught a glimpse of him, and not knowing what +to do with himself, hung as it were upon the company of Tom and his +friend, by way of killing a little time; and was displaying his person and +apparel to the greatest advantage as he pick'd his way along the pavement, +alternately picking his teeth and twirling his watch-chain. Passing the +end of Greek Street, some conversation having taken place upon the dashing +Society in which he had spent the previous evening, Tom indulged himself +in the following description of <i>How to Cut a Dash.</i> +</p> +<p> +“Dashing society,” said he, “is almost every where to be found in London: +it is indeed of so much importance among the generality of town residents, +that a sacrifice of every thing that is dear and valuable is frequently +made to appearance.” + </p> +<p> +“You are a quiz,” said Mincingait; “but I don't mind you, so go your +length.” + </p> +<p> +“Very well,” continued Tom; “then by way of instruction to my friend, I +will give my ideas upon the subject, and if perchance you should find any +resemblance to yourself in the picture I am about to draw, don't let all +the world know it. If you have an inclination to cut a dash, situation and +circumstances in life have nothing to <span class="pagenum">[236]</span>do +with it; a good bold face and a stock of assurance, are the most essential +requisites. With these, you must in the first place fall upon some method +to trick a tailor (provided you have not certain qualms that will prevent +you) by getting into his debt, for much depends upon exteriors. There is +no crime in this, for you pay him if you are able—and good clothes +are very necessary for a dash; having them cut after the newest fashion, +is also very essential. Sally forth, if on a sunday morning in quest of a +companion with whom you have the night previous (at a tavern or +confectioner's) engaged to meet at the corner. After having passed the +usual compliments of the morning with him, place yourself in a fashionable +attitude, your thumbs thrust in your pantaloon's pockets—the right +foot thrown carelessly across the left, resting on the toe, exhibits your +line turned ancle, or new boot, and is certainly a very modest attitude—your +cravat finically adjusted, and tied sufficiently tight to produce a fine +full-blooming countenance: corsets and bag pantaloons are indispensably +necessary to accoutre you for the stand. When in this trim, dilate upon +the events of the times—know but very little of domestic affairs—expatiate +and criticise upon the imperfections or charms of the passing multitude—tell +a fine story to some acquaintance who knows but little about you, and, by +this means, borrow as much money as will furnish you with a very small +bamboo, or very large cudgel; extremes are very indispensable for a good +dash. +</p> +<p> +“It is extremely unbecoming for a gentleman of fashion to pay any regard +to that old superstitious ceremony of what is commonly called '<i>going to +church'</i>—or, at most, of attending more than half a day in the +week. To attend public worship more than one hour in seven days must be +very fatiguing to a person of genteel habits—besides it would be +countenancing an old established custom. In former times, a serious and +devout attention to divine service was not thought improper; but should a +gentleman of modern manners attend public worship, to discover, according +to the law of the polite, what new face of fashion appears, I need not +mention the absurdity of decent behaviour. +</p> +<p> +?What go to meeting, say?—why this the vulgar do, Yes, and it is a +custom old as Homer too! Sure, then, we folks of fashion must with this +dispense, Or differ in some way from folks of common sense.' +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[237]</span>"Melodious, indeed, are the voices of +ladies and gentlemen whispering across the pews, politely inquiring after +each other's health—the hour at which they got home from their +Saturday evening's party—what gallants attended them; and what +lasses they saw safe home. How engaging the polite posture of looking on +the person next you, or in sound sleep, instead of sacred music, playing +loud bass through the nose! But to have proceeded methodically in +enumerating the improvements in manners, I ought, first, to have mentioned +some of the important advantages of staying from church until the service +is half finished. Should you attend at the usual hour of commencing +service, you might be supposed guilty of rising in the morning as early as +nine or ten o'clock, and by that means be thought shockingly ungenteel—and +if seated quietly in the pew, you might possibly remain unnoticed; but, by +thundering along the aisle in the midst of prayer or sermon, you are +pretty sure to command the attention of the audience, and obtain the +honour of being thought by some, to have been engaged in some genteel +affair the night before! Besides, it is well known that it is only the +vulgar that attend church in proper time. +</p> +<p> +“When you parade the streets, take off your hat to every gentleman's +carriage that passes; you may do the same to any pretty woman—for if +she is well bred, (you being smartly dressed) she will return the +compliment before she be able to recollect whether your's be a face she +has seen somewhere or not; those who see it, will call you a dashing +fellow. When a beggar stops you, put your hand in your pocket, and tell +him you are very sorry you have no change; this, you know, will be +strictly true, and speaking truth is always a commendable quality;—or, +if it suits you better, bid him go to the churchwarden—this you may +easily do in a dashing way. Never think of following any business or +profession,—such conduct is unworthy of a dasher. In the evening, +never walk straight along the foot-way, but go in a zigzag direction—this +will make some people believe you have been dashing down your bottle of +wine after dinner. No dasher goes home sober. +</p> +<p> +“On making your appearance in the ball-room, put your hat under your arm: +you will find an advantage in this, as it will make a stir in the room to +make way for you and your hat, and apprize them of your entrance. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[238]</span>After one or two turns around the room, +if the sets are all made up, make a stand before one of the mirrors, to +adjust your cravat, hair, &c. Be sure to have your hair brushed all +over the forehead, which will give you a very ferocious appearance. If you +catch a strange damsel's eyes fixed upon you, take it for granted that you +are a fascinating fellow, and cut a prodigious dash. As soon as the first +set have finished.dancing, fix your thumbs as before-mentioned, and make a +dash through the gaping crowd in pursuit of a partner; if you are likely +to be disappointed in obtaining one with whom you are acquainted, select +the smallest child in the room; by that means, you will attract the +attention of the ladies, and secure to you the hand of a charming Miss for +the next dance. When on the floor with one of those dashing belles, +commence a <i>tête-a-tête</i> with her, and pay no attention whatever to +the figure or steps, but walk as deliberately as the music will admit (not +dropping your little chit chat) through the dance, which is considered, +undoubtedly, very graceful, and less like a mechanic or dancing-master. +The dance finished, march into the bar, and call for a glass of blue-ruin, +white-tape, or stark-naked, which is a very fashionable liquor among the +?ton,' and if called on to pay for it, tell the landlord you have left +your purse in one of your blues at home; and that you will recollect it at +the next ball—this, you know, can be done in a genteel way, and you +will be 'all the go.' Return into the room, and either tread upon some +gentleman's toes, or give him a slight touch with your elbow: which, if he +be inclined to resent, tell him, 'pon lionour,' you did not observe him, +or, if inclined to suffer it with impunity—' Get out of the way, +fellow, d——n you.' +</p> +<p> +On your way home, after escorting your fair inamorata to her peaceful +abode, make a few calls for the purpose of taking a little more stimulus +with some particular friends, and then return home for the night to 'steep +your senses in forgetfulness.'” + </p> +<p> +“A very amusing and useful account, truly,” said Bob, as his Cousin closed +his chapter of instructions How to Cut a Dash. +</p> +<p> +“It is, at least, a just and true delineation of living character.” + </p> +<p> +“Not without a good portion of caricature,” said Mincingait. “You are +downright scurrilous, and ought not to be tolerated in civilized society. +Sink me, if you <span class="pagenum">[239]</span>are not quite a bore, +and not fit company for a Gentleman. so I shall wish you a good morning.” + </p> +<p> +Tom and Bob laughed heartily at this declaration of the Dashing Blade, +and, wishing him a pleasant walk and a safe return, they separated. +</p> +<p> +By this time they had arrived at Somerset House: it was near three +o'clock, and the Rooms exhibited a brilliant crowd of rank and fashion, +which considerably enhanced the value of its other decorations. +</p> +<p> +“I have already,” said Dashall, “given you a general description of this +building, and shall therefore confine my present observations wholly to +the establishment of the Royal Academy for the encouragement of the Fine +Arts, for the cultivation of which London is now much and deservedly +distinguished; and to the progressive improvement in which we are indebted +to that Exhibition we have already witnessed. This Academy was opened by +Royal Charter in 1768; and it consists of forty members, called Royal +Academicians, twenty Associates, and six Associate Engravers. The first +President was the justly celebrated Sir Joshua Reynolds; the second, the +highly respected Benjamin West; and the present, is Sir Thomas Lawrence. +</p> +<p> +“The Academy possesses a fine collection of casts and models, from antique +statues, &c. a School of colouring, from pictures of the best masters. +Lectures are delivered by the stated Professors in their various branches, +to the Students during the winter season; prize medals are given annually +for the best academy figures and drawings of buildings; and gold medals +for historical composition in painting, sculpture, and designs in +Architecture, once in two years; which latter are presented to the +successful Artists in full assembly, accompanied with a discourse from the +President, calculated to stimulate perseverance and exertion. Students +have at all times, (except during the regular vacations,) an opportunity +of studying nature from well chosen models, and of drawing from the +antique casts. +</p> +<p> +“This Exhibition is generally opened on the first of May. The number of +works of art, consisting of paintings, sculptures, models, proof +engravings and drawings, generally exhibited, are upwards of one thousand; +and are usually visited by all the gaiety and fashion of the Metropolis, +between the hours of two and five o'clock in <span class="pagenum">[240]</span>the +day. The rooms are elegant and spacious; and I consider it at all times a +place where a shilling may be well spent, and an hour or two well enjoyed. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Some spend a life in classing grubs, and try, +New methods to impale a butterfly; +Or, bottled up in spirits, keep with care +A crowd of reptiles—hideously rare; +While others search the mouldering wrecks of time, +And drag their stores from dust and rust and slime; +Coins eat with canker, medals half defac'd, +And broken tablets, never to be trac'd; +Worm-eaten trinkets worn away of old, +And broken pipkins form'd in antique mould; +Huge limbless statues, busts of heads forgot, +And paintings representing none knows what; +Strange legends that to monstrous fables lead, +And manuscripts that nobody can read; +The shapeless forms from savage hands that sprung, +And fragments of rude art, when Art was young. +This precious lumber, labell'd, shelv'd, and cas'd, +And with a title of Museum grac'd, +Shews how a man may time and fortune waste, +And die a mummy'd connoisseur of taste.” + </div> +<p> +<a id="linkimage-0013"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page240.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page240 Somerset House "><br> +</div> +<p> +On entering the rooms, Bob was bewildered with delight; the elegance of +the company, the number and excellence of the paintings, were attractions +so numerous and splendid, as to leave him no opportunity of decidedly +fixing his attention. He was surrounded by all that could enchant the eye +and enrapture the imagination. Moving groups of interesting females were +parading the rooms with dashing partners at their elbows, pointing out the +most beautiful paintings from the catalogues, giving the names of the +artists, or describing the subjects. Seated on one of the benches was to +be seen the tired Dandy, whose principal inducement to be present at this +display of the Arts, was to exhibit his own pretty person, and attract a +little of the public gaze by his preposterous habiliments and unmeaning +countenance; to fasten upon the first person who came within the sound of +his scarcely articulate voice with observing, “It is d——d hot, +?pon honour—can't stand it—very fatiguing—I wonder so +many persons are let in at once—there's no such thing as seeing, I +declare, where there is such a crowd: I must come again, that's the end of +it.” On another, was the full-dressed Elegante, with her bonnet in one +hand, and her catalogue in the other, apparently intent upon examining the +pictures before <span class="pagenum">[241]</span>her, while, in fact, her +grand aim was to discover whether she herself was observed. The lounging +Blood, who had left his horses at the door, was bustling among the company +with his quizzing-glass in his hand, determined, if possible, to have a +peep at every female he met, caring as much for the Exhibition itself, as +the generality of the visitors cared for him. The Connoisseur was placing +his eye occasionally close to the paintings, or removing to short +distances, right and left, to catch them in the most judicious lights, and +making remarks on his catalogue with a pencil; and Mrs. Roundabout, from +Leadenhall, who had brought her son Dicky to see the show, as she called +it, declared it was the '<i>most finest</i> sight she ever seed, lifting +up her hand and eyes at the same time as Dicky read over the list, and +charmed her by reciting the various scraps of poetry inserted in the +catalogue to elucidate the subjects. It was altogether a source of +inexpressible delight and amusement. Tom, whose taste for the arts +qualified him well for the office of guide upon such an occasion, directed +the eye of his Cousin to the best and most masterly productions in the +collection, and whose attention was more particularly drawn to the +pictures (though occasionally devoted to the inspection of a set of +well-formed features, or a delicately turned ancle,) was much pleased to +find Bob so busy in enquiry and observation. +</p> +<p> +“We have here,” said Tom, “a combination of the finest specimens in the +art of painting laid open annually for public inspection. Music, Poetry, +and Painting, have always been held in high estimation by those who make +any pretensions to an improved mind and a refined taste. In this +Exhibition the talents of the Artists in their various lines may be fairly +estimated, and the two former may almost be said to give life to the +latter, in which the three are combined. The Historian, the Poet, and the +Philosopher, have their thoughts embodied by the Painter; and the tale so +glowingly described in language by the one, is brought full before the eye +by the other; while the Portrait-painter hands down, by the vivid touches +of his pencil, the features and character of those who by their talents +have deservedly signalized themselves in society. The face of nature is +displayed in the landscape, and the force of imagination by the judicious +selector of scenes from actual life. Hence painting is the fascinating +region of enchantment. The pencil is a magic wand; it calls up <span +class="pagenum">[242]</span>to view the most extensive and variegated +scenery calculated to wake the slumbering mind to thought. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——To mark the mighty hand +That, ever busy, wheels the silent spheres, +Works in the secret deep; shoots steaming thence +The fair profusion that o'erspreads the Spring; +Flings from the sun direct the naming day; +Feeds every creature; hurls the tempest forth; +And as on earth this grateful change revolves. +With transport touches all the springs of life.” + </div> +<p> +“Upon my life!” cried Bob, “we seem to have no need of Sparkle now, for +you are endeavouring to imitate him.” + </p> +<p> +“Your observations maybe just, in part,” replied Tom; “but I can assure +you I have no inclination to continue in the same strain. At the same +time, grave subjects, or subjects of the pencil and graver, are deserving +of serious consideration, except where the latter are engaged in +caricature.” + </p> +<p> +“And that has its utility,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“To be sure it has,” continued Tom—“over the human mind, wit, humour +and ridicule maintain authoritative influence. The ludicrous images which +flit before the fancy, aided by eccentric combinations, awaken the risible +powers, and throw the soul into irresistible tumults of laughter. Who can +refrain from experiencing risible emotions when he beholds a lively +representation of Don Quixote and Sancho Pança—Hudibras and his +Ralpho—merry old Falstaff shaking his fat sides, gabbling with Mrs. +Quickly, and other grotesque figures to be found in the vast variety of +human character? To lash the vices and expose the follies of mankind, is +the professed end of this species of painting. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Satire has always shone among the rest; +And is the boldest way, if not the best, +To tell men freely of their foulest faults.” + </div> +<p> +Objects well worthy of attention—like comedy—may degenerate, +and become subservient to licentiousness and profligacy; yet the shafts of +ridicule judiciously aimed, like a well-directed artillery, do much +execution. With what becoming severity does the bold Caricature lay open +to public censure the intrigues of subtle Politicians, the <span +class="pagenum">[243]</span>chicanery of corrupted Courts, and the +flattery of cringing Parasites! Hence satirical books and prints, under +temperate regulations, check the dissoluteness of the great. Hogarth's +Harlot's and Rake's Progress have contributed to reform the different +classes of society—nay, it has even been doubted by some, whether +the Sermons of a Tillotson ever dissuaded so efficaciously from lust, +cruelty, and intemperance, as the Prints of an Hogarth. Indeed it may with +truth be observed, that the art of Painting is one of those innocent and +delightful means of pleasure which Providence has kindly offered to +brighten the prospects of life: under due restriction, and with proper +direction, it may be rendered something more than an elegant mode of +pleasing the eye and the imagination; it may become a very powerful +auxiliary to virtue.” + </p> +<p> +“I like your remarks very well,” said Bob; “but there is no such thing as +paying proper attention to them at present; besides, you are moralizing +again.” + </p> +<p> +“True,” said Tom, “the subjects involuntarily lead me to moral conclusions—there +is a fine picture—Nature blowing Bubbles for her Children, from the +pencil of Hilton; in which is united the simplicity of art with allegory, +the seriousness of moral instruction and satire with the charms of female +and infantine beauty; the graces of form, action, colour and beauty of +parts, with those of collective groups; and the propriety and beauty of——” + </p> +<p> +He was proceeding in this strain, when, turning suddenly as he supposed to +Tallyho, he was not a little surprised and confused to find, instead of +his Cousin, the beautiful and interesting Miss Mortimer, at his elbow, +listening with close attention to his description. +</p> +<p> +“Miss Mortimer,” continued he—which following immediately in +connection with his last sentence, created a buz of laughter from Sparkle, +Merrywell, and Mortimer, who were in conversation at a short distance, and +considerably increased his confusion. +</p> +<p> +“Very gallant, indeed,” said Miss Mortimer, “and truly edifying. These +studies from nature appear to have peculiar charms for you, but I +apprehend your observations were not meant for my ear.” + </p> +<p> +“I was certainly not aware,” continued he, “how much I was honoured; but +perceiving the company you are in, I am not much astonished at the trick, +and undoubtedly <span class="pagenum">[244]</span>have a right to feel +proud of the attentions that have been paid to my observations.” + </p> +<p> +By this time the party was increased by the arrival of Col. B——, +his daughter Maria, and Lady Lovelace, who, with Sparkle's opera glass in +her hand, was alternately looking at the paintings, and gazing at the +company. Sparkle, in the mean time, was assiduous in his attentions to +Miss Mortimer, whose lively remarks and elegant person excited general +admiration. +</p> +<p> +The first greetings of such an unexpected meeting were followed by an +invitation on the part of the Colonel to Tom and Bob to dine with them at +half past six. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho excused himself upon the score of a previous engagement; and a +wink conveyed to Tom was instantly understood; he politely declined the +honour upon the same ground, evidently perceiving there was more meant +than said; and after a few more turns among the company, and a survey of +the Pictures, during which they lost the company of young Mortimer and his +friend Merry well, (at which the Ladies expressed themselves disappointed) +they, with Sparkle, assisted the females into the Colonel's carriage, +wished them a good morning, and took their way towards Temple Bar. +</p> +<p> +“I am at a loss,” said Dashall, “to guess what you meant by a prior +engagement; for my part, I confess I had engaged myself with you, and +never felt a greater inclination for a ramble in my life.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” said Bob, “I'll tell you—Merry well and Mortimer had +determined to give the old Colonel and his company the slip; and I have +engaged, provided you have no objection, to dine with them at the Globe in +Fleet Street, at half past four. They are in high glee, ready and ripe for +fun, determined to beat up the eastern quarters of the town.” + </p> +<p> +“An excellent intention,” continued Tom, “and exactly agreeable to my own +inclinations—we'll meet them, and my life on't we shall have a merry +evening. It is now four—we will take a walk through the temple, and +then to dinner with what appetite we may—so come along. You have +heard of the Temple, situated close to the Bar, which takes its name. It +is principally occupied by Lawyers, and Law-officers, a useful and +important body of men, whose lives are devoted to the study and practice +of the law of the land, to keep peace and harmony among the <span +class="pagenum">[245]</span>individuals of society, though there are, +unfortunately, too many pretenders to legal knowledge, who prey upon the +ignorant and live by litigation{1}—such as persons who have +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 In a recent meeting at the Egyptian Hall, a celebrated +Irish Barrister is reported to have said, that 'blasphemy +was the only trade that prospered.' The assertion, like many +others in the same speech, was certainly a bold one, and one +which the gentleman would have found some difficulty in +establishing. If, however, the learned gentleman had +substituted the word law for blasphemy, he would have been +much nearer the truth. + +Of all the evils with which this country is afflicted, that +of an excessive passion for law is the greatest. The sum +paid annually in taxes is nothing to that which is spent in +litigation. Go into our courts of justice, and you will +often see sixty or seventy lawyers at a time; follow them +home, and you will find that they are residing in the +fashionable parts of the town, and living in the most +expensive manner. Look at the lists of the two houses of +parliament, and you will find lawyers predominate in the +House of Commons; and, in the upper house, more peers who +owe their origin to the law, than have sprung from the army +and navy united. There is scarcely a street of any +respectability without an attorney, not to mention the +numbers that are congregated in the inns of court. In London +alone, we are told, there are nearly three thousand +certificated attornies, and in the country they are numerous +in proportion. + +While on the subject of lawyers, we shall add a few +unconnected anecdotes, which will exhibit the difference +between times past and present. + +In the Rolls of Parliament for the year 1445, there is a +petition from two counties in England, stating that the +number of attornies had lately increased from sixteen to +twenty-four, whereby the peace of those counties had been +greatly interrupted by suits. And it was prayed that it +might be ordained, that there should only be six attornies +for the county of Norfolk, the same number for Suffolk, and +two for the city of Norwich. + +The profits of the law have also increased in proportion. We +now frequently hear of gentlemen at the bar making ten or +fifteen thousand pounds a year by their practice; and a +solicitor in one single suit, (the trial of Warren Hastings) +is said to have gained no less than thirty-five thousand +pounds! How different three centuries ago, when Roper, in +his life of Sir Thomas More, informs us, that though he was +an advocate of the greatest eminence, and in full business, +yet he did not by his profession make above four hundred +pounds per annum. There is, however, a common tradition on +the other hand, that Sir Edward Coke's gains, at the latter +end of this century, equalled those of a modern attorney +general; and, by Lord Bacon's works, it appears that he made +6000L. per annum whilst in this office. Brownlow's profits, +likewise, one of the prothonotaries during the reign of +Queen Elizabeth, were 6000L. per annum; and he used to close +the profits of the year with a <i>laus deo</i>; and when they +happened to be extraordinary,—<i>maxima laus deo</i>. + +There is no person, we believe, who is acquainted with the +important duties of the Judges, or the laborious nature of +their office, will think that they are too amply +remunerated; and it is not a little remarkable, that when +law and lawyers have increased so prodigiously, the number +of the Judges is still the same. Fortescue, in the +dedication of his work, De Laudibus Legum Anglise, to Prince +Edward, says that the Judges were not accustomed to sit more +than three hours in a day; that is, from eight o'clock in +the morning until eleven; they passed the remainder of the +day in studying the laws, and reading the Holy Scriptures. + +Carte supposes, that the great reason for the lawyers +pushing in shoals to become members of Parliament, arose +from their desire to receive the wages then paid them by +their constituents. By an act of the 5th of Henry IV. +lawyers were excluded from Parliament, not from a contempt +of the common law itself, but the professors of it, who, at +this time, being auditors to men of property, received an +annual stipend, <i>pro connlio impenso et impendendo</i>, and +were treated as retainers. In Madox's Form. Anglican, there +is a form of a retainer during his life, of John de Thorp, +as counsel to the Earl of Westmoreland; and it appears by +the Household Book of Algernon, fifth Earl of +Northumberland, that, in the beginning of the reign of Henry +the Eighth, there was, in that family, a regular +establishment for two counsellors and their servants. + +A proclamation was issued on the 6th of November, in the +twentieth year of the reign of James I. in which the voters +for members of Parliament are directed, “not to choose +curious and wrangling lawyers, who may seek reputation by +stirring needless questions.” + +A strong prejudice was at this time excited against lawyers. +In Aleyn's Henry VIII. (London, 1638,) we have the following +philippic against them:— + +“A prating lawyer, (one of those which cloud +That honour'd science,) did their conduct take; +He talk'd all law, and the tumultuous crowd +Thought it had been all gospel that he spake. +At length, these fools their common error saw, +A lawyer on their side, but not the law.” + +Pride the drayman used to say, that it would never be well +till the lawyers' gowns, like the Scottish colours, were +hung up in Westminster Hall. + +From Chaucer's character of the Temple Manciple, it would +appear that the great preferment which advocates in this +time chiefly aspired to, was to become steward to some great +man: he says,—” + +“Of masters he had mo than thryis ten, +That were of law expert and curious, +Of which there were a dozen in that house, +Worthy to ben stuards of house and londe, +Of any lord that is in Englonde.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[246]</span>been employed as clerks to Pettifoggers, +who obtain permission to sue in their names; and persons who know no more +of law than what they have learned in Abbot's Park,{1} or on board the +Fleet,{2} who assume the title of Law Agents or Accountants, and are +admirably fitted for Agents in the Insolvent Debtor's Court under the +Insolvent Act, to make out Schedules, &c. Being up to all the arts and +manouvres practised with success for the liberation of themselves, they +are well calculated to become tutors of others, though they generally take +care to be well paid for it.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they were entering the Temple. “This,” continued Tom, “is an +immense range of buildings, stretching from Fleet-street to the river, +north and south; and from Lombard-street, Whitefriars, to Essex-street in +the Strand, east and west. +</p> +<p> +“It takes its name from its being founded by the Knights Templars in +England. The Templars were crusaders, who, about the year 1118, formed +themselves into a military body at Jerusalem, and guarded the roads for +the safety of pilgrims. In time the order became very powerful. The +Templars in Fleet-street, in the thirteenth century, frequently +entertained the King, the Pope's nuncio, foreign ambassadors, and other +great personages. +</p> +<p> +“It is now divided into two societies of students, called the Inner and +Middle Temple, and having the name of Inns of Court. +</p> +<p> +“These societies consist of Benchers, Barristers, Students, and Members. +The government is vested in the Benchers. In term time they dine in the +hall of the society, which is called keeping commons. To dine a fortnight +in each term, is deemed keeping the term; and twelve of these terms +qualify a student to be called to year of Henry the Sixth, when Sir Walter +Beauchamp, as counsel, supported the claim of precedence of the Earl of +Warwick, against the then Earl Marshal, at the bar of the House of Lords. +Mr. Roger Hunt appeared in the same capacity for the Earl Marshal, and +both advocates, in their exordium, made most humble protestations, +entreating the lord against whom they were retained, not to take amiss +what they should advance on the part of their own client. +</p> +<p> +Another point on which the lawyers of the present age differ from their +ancestors, is in their prolixity. It was reserved for modern invention to +make a trial for high treason last eight days, or to extend a speech to +nine hours duration. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Abbot's Park—The King's Bench. + +2 On board the Fleet—The Fleet Prison. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[248]</span>"These societies have the following +officers and servants: a treasurer, sub-treasurer, steward, chief butler, +three under-butlers, upper and under cook, a pannierman, a gardener, two +porters, two wash-pots, and watchmen. +</p> +<p> +“The Benchers assume and exercise a power that can scarcely be reconciled +to the reason of the thing. They examine students as to their proficiency +in the knowledge of the law, and call candidates to the bar, or reject +them at pleasure, and without appeal. It is pretty well known that +students in some cases eat their way to the bar; in which there can be no +great harm, because their clients will take the liberty afterwards of +judging how far they have otherwise qualified themselves. But every man +that eats in those societies should be called, or the rejection should be +founded solely on his ignorance of the law, and should be subject to an +appeal to a higher jurisdiction; otherwise the power of the Benchers may +be exercised on private or party motives. +</p> +<p> +“The expence of going through the course of these Societies is not great. +In the Inner Temple, a student pays on admission, for the fees of the +society, 3L. 6s. 8d. which, with other customary charges, amounts to 4L +2s. A duty is also paid to the King, which is high. Terms may be kept for +about 10s. per week, and, in fact, students may dine at a cheaper rate +here than any where beside. The expences in the principal societies of +like nature are something more. +</p> +<p> +“Their kitchens, and dinner-rooms, merit the inspection of strangers, and +may be seen on applying to the porter, or cooks, without fee or +introduction. Our time is short now, or we would take a peep; you must +therefore content yourself with my description. +</p> +<p> +“The Temple is an irregular building. In Fleet-street are two entrances, +one to the Inner, and the other to the Middle Temple. The latter has a +front in the manner of Inigo Jones, of brick, ornamented with four large +stone pilastres, of the Ionic order, with a pediment. It is too narrow, +and being lofty, wants proportion. The passage to which it leads, although +designed for carriages, is narrow, inconvenient, and mean. +</p> +<p> +“The garden of the Inner Temple is not only a most happy situation, but is +laid out with great taste, and kept <span class="pagenum">[249]</span>in +perfect order. It is chiefly covered with green sward,, which is pleasing +to the eye, especially in a city, and is most agreeable to walk on. It +lies, as you perceive, along the river, is of great extent, and has a +spacious gravel walk, or terrace, on the bank of the Thames. It forms a +crowded promenade in summer, and at such times is an interesting spot. +</p> +<p> +“The Middle Temple has a garden, but much smaller,, and not so +advantageously situated. +</p> +<p> +“The hall of the Middle Temple is a spacious and elegant room in its +style. Many great feasts have been given in it in old times. It is well +worth a visit. +</p> +<p> +“The Inner Temple hall is comparatively small, but is a fine room. It is +ornamented with the portraits of several of the Judges. Before this hall +is a broad paved terrace, forming an excellent promenade, when the gardens +are not sufficiently dry. +</p> +<p> +“There are two good libraries belonging to these societies, open to +students, and to others on application to the librarian, from ten in the +morning till one, and in the afternoon from two till six. +</p> +<p> +“The Temple church belongs in common to the two societies. The Knights +Templars built their church on this site, which was destroyed, and the +present edifice was erected by the Knights Hospitallers. It is in the +Norman style of architecture, and has three aisles, running east and west, +and two cross aisles. At the western end is a spacious round tower, the +inside of which forms an elegant and singular entrance into the church, +from which it is not separated by close walls, but merely by arches. The +whole edifice within has an uncommon and noble aspect. The roof of the +church is supported by slight pillars of Sussex marble, and there are +three windows at each side, adorned with small pillars of the same marble. +The entire floor is of flags of black and white marble; the roof of the +tower is supported with six pillars, having an upper and lower range of +small arches, except on the eastern side, opening into the church: The +length of the church is eighty-three feet; the breadth sixty; and the +height thirty-four; the height of the inside of the tower is forty-eight +feet, and its diameter on the floor fifty-one. +</p> +<p> +“In the porch or tower are the tombs of eleven Knights Templars; eight of +them have the figures of <span class="pagenum">[250]</span>armed knights +on them, three of them being the tombs of so many Earls of Pembroke. The +organ of this church is one of the finest in the world. +</p> +<p> +“The Temple church is open for divine service every day, at eleven o'clock +in the morning, and at four in the afternoon. There are four entrances +into the Temple, besides those in Fleet-street; and it is a thoroughfare +during the day, but the gates are shut at night. The gardens are open to +the public in summer. It is a place of much business and constant traffic, +I assure you.” + </p> +<p> +“I perceive it,” said Bob, “by the number of persons passing and +repassing, every one apparently animated and impelled by some business of +importance.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes, it is something like a steam-boiler, by which a considerable portion +of the engines of the Law are kept in motion. They can alarm and allay +according to the pockets of their customers, or the sagacity which they +are able to discover in their heads. There are perhaps as many Quacks in +this profession as in any other,” continued Tom, as they regained +Fleet-street; when, perceiving it was half past four o'clock by St. +Dunstan's—“But we must now make the best of our way, or we may be +cut out of the good things of this <i>Globe</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“What are so many persons collected together here for?” enquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Merely to witness a little of ingenious machinery. Keep your eye on the +two figures in the front of the church with clubs in their hands.” + </p> +<p> +“I do,” said Bob; “but there does not appear to me to be any thing very +remarkable about them.” + </p> +<p> +He scarcely uttered the words, when he observed that these figures struck +their clubs upon the bells which hung between them to denote the time of +day. +</p> +<p> +“These figures,” said Tom, “and the circumstance of giving them motion +every fifteen minutes by the movements of the clock, have attracted a +great deal of notice, particularly among persons from the country, and at +almost every quarter of an hour throughout the day they are honoured with +spectators. The church itself is very ancient, and has been recently +beautified. The <i>Bell thumpers</i>, whose abilities you have just had a +specimen of, have been standing there ever since the year 1671.” + </p> +<p> +“It is hard service,” said Bob, “and they must certainly deserve a pension +from Government more than many of <span class="pagenum">[251]</span>the +automatons who are now in the enjoyment of the national bounties.” + </p> +<p> +“You are right enough,” said a Translator of Soles,{1} who had overheard +Bob's last remark, with a pair of old shoes under his arm; “and d——n +me if I would give a pair of <i>crazy crabshells</i>{2} without <i>vamp or +whelt for the whole boiling of 'em</i>{3}-there is not one on 'em worth a +bloody jemmy."{4} +</p> +<p> +Upon hearing this from the political Cobbler, a disturbed sort of shout +was uttered by the surrounding spectators, who had rather increased than +diminished in number, to hear the observations of the leathern-lung'd +Orator; when Tom, giving his Cousin a significant pinch of the arm, +impelled him forward, and left them to the enjoyment of their humour. +</p> +<p> +“Political observations are always bad in the street,” said Tom; “it is a +subject upon which scarcely any two persons agree distinctly-<i>Old Wax +and Bristles</i> is about <i>three sheets in the wind</i>,{5} and no doubt +there are enough to take advantage of any persons stopping at this time of +the day."{6} +</p> +<p> +“What have we here?” said Bob, who observed a concourse of people +surrounding the end of Fetter Lane. +</p> +<p> +“Only a couple more of striking figures,” replied Tom, “almost as +intelligent as those we have just seen.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Translator of Soles—A disciple of St. Crispin, alias a +cobbler, who can botch up old shoes, so as to have the +appearance of being almost new, and who is principally +engaged in his laudable occupation by the second-hand shoe- +sellers of Field Lane, Turn Stile, &c. for the purpose of +turning an honest penny, i.e. to deceive poor purchasers. + +2 Crab-shells—A cant term for shoes. + +3 Whole boding of 'em—The whole kit of 'em, &c. means the +whole party. + +4 Bloody Jemmy—A cant term for a sheep's head. + +5 Three sheets in the wind—A cant phrase intending to +explain that a person is more than half drunk. + +6 This was a hint well given by Dashall; for, in the present +times, it is scarcely possible to be aware of the numerous +depredations that are committed in the streets of the +Metropolis in open day-light; and it is a well-known fact, +that Fleet Street, being one of the leading thoroughfares, +is at almost all times infested with loose characters of +every description, from the well-dressed Sharpers, who hover +round the entrances to billiard-tables to mark new comers, +and give information to the pals in waiting, somewhere +within call, and who are called Macers-to the wily Duffers +or Buffers, willing to sell extraordinary bargains, and the +<i>Cly-faker</i>, or Pickpocket. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[252]</span>Bob bustled forward, and looking down +the lane, perceived two Watchmen, one on each side the street, bearing +poles with black boards inscribed in white letters, “Beware of bad +houses,” and a lantern hanging to each. +</p> +<p> +“These,” said Tom, “are not decoy ducks, but scare crows, at least they +are intended for such; whether their appearance does not operate as much +one way as it does the other, is, I believe, a matter of doubt.” + </p> +<p> +“Beware of bad houses,” said Bob—“I don't exactlY see the object.” + </p> +<p> +“No, perhaps not,” continued his Cousin; “but I will tell you: this is a +method which the Churchwardens of parishes sometimes take of shaming the +<i>pa-pa</i> or <i>fie fie</i> ladies from their residences, or at least +of discovering their visitors; but I am half inclined to think, that nine +times out of ten the contrary effect is produced; for these men who are +stationed as warnings to avoid, are easily to be blinded by the gay and +gallant youths, who have” an inclination to obtain an admission to the +fair cyprians; besides which, if the first inhabitants are really induced +to quit, the house is quickly occupied by similar game, and the +circumstance of the burning out, as it is termed, serves as a +direction-post to new visitors; so that no real good is eventually +effected-Come, we had better move on—there is nothing more +extraordinary here.” + </p> +<p> +“This is Peele's Coffee House,” continued he—“a house celebrated for +its general good accommodations. Here, as well as at the Chapter Coffee +House, in Paternoster Row, all the newspapers are kept filed annually, and +may be referred to by application to the Waiters, at the very trifling +expense of a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. The Monthly and Quarterly +Reviews, and the provincial papers, are also kept for the accommodation of +the customers, and constitute an extensive and valuable library; it is the +frequent resort of Authors and Critics, who meet to pore over the news of +the day, or search the records of past times.” + </p> +<p> +“An excellent way of passing an hour,” said Bob, “and a proof of the +studied attention which is paid not only to the comforts and convenience +of their customers, but also to their instruction.” + </p> +<p> +“You are right,” replied Tom; “in London every man has an opportunity of +living according to his wishes and <span class="pagenum">[253]</span>the +powers of his pocket; he may dive, like Roderick Random, into a cellar, +and fill his belly for four pence, or regale himself with the more +exquisite delicacies of the London Tavern at a guinea; while the moderate +tradesman can be supplied at a chop-house for a couple of shillings; and +the mechanic by a call at the shop over the way at the corner of Water +Lane,{1} may purchase his half pound of ham or beef, and retire to a +public-house to eat it; where he obtains his pint of porter, and in turn +has an opportunity of reading the <i>Morning Advertiser</i>, the <i>Times</i>, +or the <i>Chronicle</i>. Up this court is a well-known house, the sign of +the Old Cheshire Cheese; it has long been established as a chop-house, and +provides daily for a considerable number of persons; but similar +accommodations are to be found in almost every street in London. Then +again, there are cook-shops of a still humbler description where a dinner +may be procured at a still more moderate price; so that in this great +Metropolis there is accommodation for all ranks and descriptions of +persons, who may be served according to the delicacy of their appetites +and the state of their finances. +</p> +<p> +“A Chop-house is productive of all the pleasures in life; it is a +combination of the most agreeable and satisfactory amusements: indeed, +those who have never had an opportunity of experiencing the true happiness +therein to be found, have a large portion of delight and gratification to +discover: the heart, the mind and the constitution are to be mended upon +crossing its threshold; and description must fall short in its efforts to +pourtray its enlivening and invigorating influence; it is, in a word, a +little world within itself, absolutely a universe in miniature, possessing +a system peculiar to itself, of planets and satellites, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This allusion was made by the Hon. Tom Dashall to the Shop +of Mr. Cantis, who was formerly in the employ of Mr. Epps, +and whose appearance in opposition to him at Temple Bar a +few years back excited a great deal of public attention, and +had the effect of reducing the prices of their ham and beef. +Mr. Epps generally has from fourteen to twenty Shops, and +sometimes more, situated in different parts of the +Metropolis, and there is scarcely a street in London where +there is not some similar place of accommodation; but Mr. +Epps is the most extensive purveyor for the public appetite. +At these shops, families may be supplied with any quantity, +from an ounce to a pound, of hot boiled beef and ham at +moderate prices; while the poor are regaled with a plate of +cuttings at a penny or twopence each. +</div> +<p> +and fixed stars and revolutions, and its motions are annual, rotatory and +diurnal, in all its extensive diversity of waiters, cooks, saucepans, +fryingpans, gridirons, salamanders, stoves and smoke-jacks; so that if you +wish to know true and uncloying delight, you are now acquainted with where +it is to be found. Not all the sages of the ancient or the modern world +ever dreamed of a theory half so exquisite, or calculated to afford man a +treat so truly delicious. +</p> +<p> +“Within the doors of a Chop-house are to be found food for both body and +soul-mortal and mental appetites-feasting for corporeal cravings and +cravings intellectual-nourishment at once for the faculties both of mind +and body: there, in fact, the brain may be invigorated, and the mind fed +with good things; while the palate is satisfied by devouring a mutton +chop, a veal cutlet, or a beef steak; and huge draughts of wisdom may be +imbibed while drinking a bottle of soda or a pint of humble porter. +</p> +<p> +“In this delightful place of amusement and convenience, there is provender +for philosophers or fools, stoics or epicureans; contemplation for genius +of all denominations; and it embraces every species of science and of art, +(having an especial eye to the important art of Cookery;) it encompasses +all that is worthy of the sublimest faculties and capacities of the soul; +it is the resort of all that is truly good and glorious on earth, the +needy and the noble, the wealthy and the wise. Its high estimation is +universally acknowledged; it has the suffrage of the whole world, so much +so, that at all times and in all seasons its supremacy is admitted and its +influence recognized. The name, the very name alone, is sufficient to +excite all that is pleasant to our senses (five or seven, how many soever +there may be.) A Chop-house! at that word what delightful prospects are +presented to the mind's eye-what a clashing of knives and forks and plates +and pewter pots, and rushing of footsteps and murmurings of expectant +hosts enter into our delighted ears—what gay scenes of varied +beauty, and many natured viands and viscous soups, tarts, puddings and +pies, rise before our visual nerves-what fragrant perfumes, sweet scented +odours, and grateful gales of delicate dainties stream into our olfactory +perceptions, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“. . . Like the sweet south +Upon a bank-a hank of violets, giving +And taking odour.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[255]</span>Its powers are as vast as wonderful and +goodly, and extend over all animal and animated nature, biped and +quadruped, the earth, the air, and all that therein is. By its high +decree, the beast may no longer bask in the noon tide of its nature, the +birds must forsake their pure ether, and the piscatory dwellers in the +vasty deep may spread no more their finny sails towards their caves of +coral. The fruits, the herbs, and the other upgrowings of the habitable +world, and all created things, by one wave of the mighty wand are brought +together into this their common tomb. It is creative also of the lordliest +independence of spirit. It excites the best passions of the heart—it +calls into action every kind and generous feeling of our nature—it +begets fraternal affection and unanimity and cordiality of soul, and +excellent neighbourhood among men-it will correct antipodes, for its +ministerial effects will produce a Radical advantage-its component parts +go down with the world, and are well digested.” + </p> +<p> +“Your description,” said Bob, “has already had the effect of awakening +appetite, and I feel almost as hungry as if I were just returning from a +fox-chace.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, “it is not only admirable as a +whole, its constituent and individual beauties are as provocative of +respect as the mass is of our veneration. From among its innumerable +excellencies—I will mention one which deserves to be held in +recollection and kept in our contemplation-what is more delightful than a +fine beef-steak?-spite of Lexicographers, there is something of harmony +even in its name, it seems to be the key-note of our best constructed +organs, (organs differing from all others, only because they have no +stops,) it circles all that is full, rich and sonorous—I do not mean +in its articulated enunciation, but in its internal acceptation—there—there +we feel all its strength and diapas, or force and quantity.” + </p> +<p> +“Admirable arrangements, indeed,” said Bob. “True,” continued Tom; “and +all of them comparatively comfortable, according to their gradations ana +the rank or circumstances of their customers. The Tavern furnishes wines, +&c.; the Pot-house, porter, ale, and liquors suitable to the high or +low. The sturdy Porter, sweating beneath his load, may here refresh +himself with heavy wet;{l} the Dustman, or the Chimney-sweep, may sluice +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Heavy wet-A well-known appellation for beer, porter, or +ale. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[256]</span>Am ivory{1} with the Elixir of Life, now +fashionably termed Daffy's.” + </p> +<p> +“Daffy's,” said Tallyho-“that is somewhat new to me, I don't recollect +hearing it before?” + </p> +<p> +“Daffy's Elixir,” replied Dashall, “was a celebrated quack medicine, +formerly sold by a celebrated Doctor of that name, and recommended by him +as a cure for all diseases incident to the human frame. This Gin, Old Tom, +and Blue Ruin, are equally recommended in the present day; in consequence +of which, some of the learned gentlemen of the sporting' world have given +it the title of Daffy's, though this excellent beverage is known by many +other names. +</p> +<p> +“For instance, the Lady of refined sentiments and delicate nerves, feels +the necessity of a little cordial refreshment, to brighten the one and +enliven the other, and therefore takes it on the sly, under the polite +appellation of white wine. The knowing Kids and dashing Swells are for a +drap of blue ruin, to keep all things in good twig. The Laundress, who +disdains to be termed a dry washer,—dearly loves a dollop {2} of Old +Tom, because, while she is up to her elbows in suds, and surrounded with +steam, she thinks a drap of the old gemman (having no pretensions to a +young one) would comfort and strengthen her inside, and consequently +swallows the inspiring dram. The travelling Gat-gut Scraper, and the +Hurdy-Grinder, think there is music in the sound of max, and can toss off +their kevartern to any tune in good time. The Painter considers it +desirable to produce effect by mingling his dead white with a little sky +blue. The Donkey driver and the Fish-fag are bang-up for a flash of +lightning, to illumine their ideas. The Cyprian, whose marchings and +counter marchings in search of custom are productive of extreme fatigue, +may, in some degree, be said to owe her existence to Jockey; at least she +considers him a dear boy, and deserving her best attentions, so long as +she has any power. The Link-boys, the Mud-larks, and the Watermen, who +hang round public-house doors to feed horses, &c. club up their brads +for a kevartern of Stark-naked in three outs. The Sempstress and Straw +Bonnet-maker are for a yard of White Tape; and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Sluice the ivory—Is originally derived from sluicery, and +means washing, or passing over the teeth. + +2 Dollop—Is a large or good quantity of any thing: the whole +dollop means the whole quantity. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[256]</span>the Swell Covies and Out and Outers, +find nothing so refreshing after a night's spree, when the +victualling-office is out of order, as a little Fuller's-earth, or a dose +of Daffy's; so that it may fairly be presumed it is a universal beverage—nay, +so much so, that a certain gentleman of City notoriety, though he has not +yet obtained a seat in St. Stephen's Chapel, with an ingenuity equal to +that of the <i>Bug-destroyer to the King</i>,{1} has latterly decorated +his house, not a hundred miles from Cripplegate, with the words Wine and +Brandy Merchant to her Majesty, in large letters, from which circumstance +his depository of the refreshing and invigorating articles of life has +obtained the appellation of the Queen's Gin Shop.” + </p> +<p> +Bob laughed heartily at his Cousin's interpretation of Daffy's. +</p> +<p> +While Tom humm'd, in an under tone, the fag end of a song, by way of +conclusion— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Why, there's old Mother Jones, of St. Thomas's Street, +If a jovial companion she chances to meet, +Away to the gin-shop they fly for some max, +And for it they'd pawn the last smock from their backs; + +For the juniper berry, +It makes their hearts merry, +With a hey down, down deny, +Geneva's the liquor of life.” + </div> +<p> +By this time they were at the Globe; upon entering which, they were +greeted by Mortimer and Merry well, who had arrived before them; and +dinner being served almost immediately, they were as quickly seated at the +table, to partake of an excellent repast. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It is a well-known fact, that a person of the name of +Tiffin announced himself to the world under this very +seductive title, which, doubtless, had the effect of +bringing him considerable custom from the loyal subjects of +his great patron. +</div> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> <a id="link22HCH0001"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XVII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Here fashion and folly still go hand in hand, +With the Blades of the East, and the Bucks of the Strand; +The Bloods of the Park, and paraders so gay, +Who are lounging in Bond Street the most of the day— +Who are foremost in all that is formed for delight, +At greeking, or wenching, or drinking all night; +For London is circled with unceasing joys: +Then, East, West, North and South, let us hunt them, my boys.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[258]</span> THE entrance to the house had attracted +Tallyho's admiration as they proceeded; but the taste and elegance of the +Coffee-room, fitted up with brilliant chandeliers, and presenting amidst a +blaze of splendour every comfort and accommodation for its visitors, +struck him with surprise; in which however he was not suffered to remain +long, for Merrywell and Mortimer had laid their plans with some degree of +depth and determination to carry into execution the proposed ramble of the +evening, and had ordered a private room for the party; besides which, they +had invited a friend to join them, who was introduced to Tom and Bob, +under the title of Frank Harry. Frank Harry was a humorous sort of fellow, +who could tell a tough story, sing a merry song, and was up to snuff, +though he frequently got snuffy, singing, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The bottle's the Sun of our table, + +His beams are rosy wine: +We, planets never are able + +Without his beams to shine. +Let mirth and glee abound, + +You'll soon grow bright + +With borrow'd light, +And shine as he goes round.” + </div> +<p> +He was also a bit of a dabbler at Poetry, a writer of Songs, Epigrams, +Epitaphs, &c.; and having been a long resident in the East, was +thought to be a very useful guide on such an excursion, and proved himself +a very <span class="pagenum">[259]</span> pleasant sort of companion: he +had a dawning pleasantry in his countenance, eradiated by an eye of +vivacity, which seemed to indicate there was nothing which gave him so +much gratification as a mirth-moving jest. +</p> +<p> +“What spirits were his, what wit and what whim, Now cracking a joke, and +now breaking a limb.” + </p> +<p> +Give him but food for laughter, and he would almost consider himself +furnished with food and raiment. There was however a pedantic manner with +him at times; an affectation of the clerical in his dress, which, upon the +whole, did not appear to be of the newest fashion, or improved by wearing; +yet he would not barter one wakeful jest for a hundred sleepy sermons, or +one laugh for a thousand sighs. If he ever sigh'd at all, it was because +he had been serious where he might have laugh'd; if he had ever wept, it +was because mankind had not laugh'd more and mourn'd less. He appeared +almost to be made up of contrarieties, turning at times the most serious +subjects into ridicule, and moralizing upon the most ludicrous occurrences +of life, never failing to conclude his observations with some quaint or +witty sentiment to excite risibility; seeming at the same time to say, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“How I love to laugh; +Never was a weeper; +Care's a silly calf, +Joy's my casket keeper.” + </div> +<p> +During dinner time he kept the table in a roar of laughter, by declaring +it was his opinion there was a kind of puppyism in pigs that they should +wear tails—calling a great coat, a spencer folio edition with +tail-pieces—Hercules, a man-midwife in a small way of business, +because he had but twelve labours—assured them he had seen a woman +that morning who had swallowed an almanac, which he explained by adding, +that her features were so carbuncled, that the red lettered days were +visible on her face—that Horace ran away from the battle of +Philippi, merely to prove that he was no lame poet—he described +Critics as the door-porters to the Temple of Fame, whose business was to +see that no persons slipped in with holes in their stockings, or paste +buckles for diamond ones, but was much in doubt whether they always +performed their duty honestly—he called the Sun the <i>Yellow-hair'd +Laddie</i> <span class="pagenum">[260]</span> —and the Prince of +Darkness, the <i>Black Prince</i>—ask'd what was the difference +between a sigh-heaver and a coal-heaver; but obtaining no answer, I will +tell you, said he—The coal-heaver has a load at his back, which he +can carry—but a sigh-heaver has one at his heart, which he can not +carry. He had a whimsical knack of quoting old proverbs, and instead of +saying, the Cobbler should stick to his last, he conceived it ought to be, +the Cobbler should stick to his wax, because he thought that the more +practicable—What is bred in the bone, said he, will not come out +with the skewer; and justified his alteration by asserting it must be +plain enough to the fat-headed comprehensions of those epicurean persons +who have the magpie-propensity of prying into marrow-bones. +</p> +<p> +Dashall having remarked, in the course of conversation, that <i>necessity +has no law</i>. +</p> +<p> +He declared he was sorry for it—it was surely a pity, considering +the number of learned Clerks she might give employ to if she had—her +Chancellor (continued he) would have no sinecure of it, I judge: hearing +the petitions of her poor, broken-fortuned and bankrupt, subjects would +take up all his terms, though every term were a year, and every year a +term. Thus he united humour with seriousness, and seriousness with humour, +to the infinite amusement of those around him. +</p> +<p> +Merrywell, who was well acquainted with, and knew his humour, took every +opportunity of what is called drawing him out, and encouraging his +propensity to punning, a species of wit at which he was particularly +happy, for puns fell as thick from him as leaves from autumn bowers; and +he further entertained them with an account of the intention he had some +short time back of petitioning for the office of pun-purveyor to his late +Majesty; but that before he could write the last line—“And your +petitioner will ever pun” it was bestowed upon a Yeoman of the Guard. +Still, however, said he, I have an idea of opening business as a +pun-wright in general to his Majesty's subjects, for the sale and +diffusion of all that is valuable in that small ware of wit, and intend to +advertise—Puns upon all subjects, wholesale, retail, and for +exportation. N B. 1. An allowance will be made to Captains and Gentlemen +going to the East and West Indies—Hooks, Peakes, Pococks,{1} +supplied on +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Well-known dramatic authors. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[261]</span> moderate terms—worn out +sentiments and <i>clap-traps</i> will be taken in exchange. N B. 2. May be +had in a large quantity, in a great deal box, price five acts of sterling +comedy per packet, or in small quantities, in court-plaster sized boxes, +price one melodrama and an interlude per box. N B. 3. The genuine puns are +sealed with a true Munden grin—all others are counterfeits—Long +live Apollo, &c. &c. +</p> +<p> +The cloth being removed, the wine was introduced, and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“As wine whets the wit, improves its native force, +And gives a pleasant flavour to discourse,” + </div> +<p> +Frank Harry became more lively at each glass—“Egad!” said he, “my +intention of petitioning to be the king's punster, puts me in mind of a +story.” + </p> +<p> +“Can't you sing it?” enquired Merrywell. +</p> +<p> +“The pipes want clearing out first,” was the reply, “and that is a sign I +can't sing at present; but signal as it may appear, and I see some +telegraphic motions are exchanging, my intention is to shew to you all the +doubtful interpretation of signs in general.” + </p> +<p> +“Let's have it then,” said Tom; “but, Mr. Chairman, I remember an old Song +which concludes with this sentiment— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Tis hell upon earth to be wanting of wine.” + </div> +<p> +“The bottle is out, we must replenish.” + </p> +<p> +The hint was no sooner given, than the defect was remedied; and after +another glass, +</p> +<p> +“King James VI. on his arrival in London, (said he) was waited on by a +Spanish Ambassador, a man of some erudition, but who had strangely +incorporated with his learning, a whimsical notion, that every country +ought to have a school, in which a certain order of men should be taught +to interpret signs; and that the most expert in this department ought to +be dignified with the title of Professor of Signs. If this plan were +adopted, he contended, that most of the difficulties arising from the +ambiguity of language, and the imperfect acquaintance which people of one +nation had with the tongue of another, would be done away. Signs, he +argued, arose from the dictates of nature; and, as they were the same in +every country, there could be no danger of their being misunderstood. Full +of this project, the Ambassador was <span class="pagenum">[262]</span> +lamenting one day before the King, that the nations of Europe were wholly +destitute of this grand desideratum; and he strongly recommended the +establishment of a college founded upon the simple principles he had +suggested. The king, either to humour this Quixotic foible, or to gratify +his own ambition at the expense of truth, observed, in reply, 'Why, Sir, I +have a Professor of Signs in one of the northernmost colleges in my +dominions; but the distance is, perhaps, six hundred miles, so that it +will be impracticable for you to have an interview with him.' Pleased with +this unexpected information, the Ambassador exclaimed—'If it had +been six hundred leagues, I would go to see him; and I am determined to +set out in the course of three or four days.' The King, who now perceived +that he had committed himself, endeavoured to divert him from his purpose; +but, finding this impossible, he immediately caused letters to be written +to the college, stating the case as it really stood, and desired the +Professors to get rid of the Ambassador in the best manner they were able, +without exposing their Sovereign. Disconcerted at this strange and +unexpected message, the Professors scarcely knew how to proceed. They, +however, at length, thought to put off their august visitant, by saying, +that the Professor of Signs was not at home, and that his return would be +very uncertain. Having thus fabricated the story, they made preparations +to receive the illustrious stranger, who, keeping his word, in due time +reached their abode. On his arrival, being introduced with becoming +solemnity, he began to enquire, who among them had the honour of being +Professor of Signs? He was told in reply, that neither of them had that +exalted honour; but the learned gentleman, after whom he enquired, was +gone into the Highlands, that they conceived his stay would be +considerable; but that no one among them could even conjecture the period +of his return. 'I will wait his coming,' replied the Ambassador, 'if it be +twelve months.' +</p> +<p> +“Finding him thus determined, and fearing, from the journey he had already +undertaken that he might be as good as his word, the learned Professors +had recourse to another stratagem. To this they found themselves driven, +by the apprehension that they must entertain him as long as he chose to +tarry; and in case he should unfortunately weary out their patience, the +whole affair must terminate <span class="pagenum">[263]</span> in a +discovery of the fraud. They knew a Butcher, who had been in the habit of +serving the colleges occasionally with meat. This man, they thought, with +a little instruction might serve their purpose; he was, however, blind +with one eye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very +well knew how to conduct any farce to which his abilities were competent. +</p> +<p> +“On sending for Geordy, (for that was the butcher's name) they +communicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was to +act, he readily undertook to become Professor of Signs, especially as he +was not to speak one word in the Ambassador's presence, on any pretence +whatever. Having made these arrangements, it was formally announced to the +Ambassador, that the Professor would be in town in the course of a few +days, when he might expect a silent interview. Pleased with this +information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put his abilities +at once to the test, by introducing into his dumb language some subject +that should be at once difficult, interesting, and important. When the day +of interview arrived, Geordy was cleaned up, decorated with a large bushy +wig, and covered over with a singular gown, in every respect becoming his +station. He was then seated in a chair of state, in one of their large +rooms, while the Ambassador and the trembling Professors waited in an +adjoining apartment. +</p> +<p> +“It was at length announced, that the learned Professor of Signs was ready +to receive his Excellency, who, on entering the room, was struck with +astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. As none of the +Professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, under a +pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presence might +have some effect upon the risible muscles of Geordy's countenance) they +waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of this strange adventure, +upon which depended their own credit, that of the King, and, in some +degree, the honour of the nation. +</p> +<p> +“As this was an interview of signs, the Ambassador began with Geordy, by +holding up one of his fingers; Geordy replied, by holding up two. The +Ambassador then held up three; Geordy answered, by clenching his fist, and +looking sternly. The Ambassador then took an orange from his pocket, and +held it up; Geordy returned the compliment, by taking from his pocket a +<span class="pagenum">[264]</span> piece of a barley cake, which he +exhibited in a similar manner. The ambassador, satisfied with the vast +attainments of the learned Professor, then bowed before him with profound +reverence, and retired. On rejoining the agitated Professors, they +fearfully began to enquire what his Excellency thought of their learned +brother? 'He is a perfect miracle,' replied the Ambassador, 'his worth is +not to be purchased by the wealth of half the Indies.' 'May we presume to +descend to particulars?' returned the Professors, who now began to think +themselves somewhat out of danger. 'Gentlemen,' said the Ambassador, 'when +I first entered into his presence, I held up one finger, to denote that +there is one God. He then held up two, signifying that the Father should +not be divided from the Son. I then held up three, intimating, that I +believed in Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. He then clenched his fist, and, +looking sternly at me, signified, that these three are one; and that he +would defy me, either to separate them, or to make additions. I then took +out an orange from my pocket, and held it up, to show the goodness of God, +and to signify that he gives to his creatures not only the necessaries, +but even the luxuries of life. Then, to my utter astonishment, this +wonderful man took from his pocket a piece of bread, thus assuring me, +that this was the staff of life, and was to be preferred to all the +luxuries in the world. Being thus satisfied with his proficiency and great +attainments in this science, I silently withdrew, to reflect upon what I +had witnessed.' “Diverted with the success of their stratagem, the +Professors continued to entertain their visitor, until he thought prudent +to withdraw. No sooner had he retired, than the opportunity was seized to +learn from Geordy, in what manner he had proceeded to give the Ambassador +such wonderful satisfaction; they being at a loss to conceive how he could +have caught his ideas with so much promptitude, and have replied to them +with proportionable readiness. But, that one story might not borrow any +features from the other, they concealed from Geordy all they had learned +from the Ambassador; and desiring him to begin with his relation, he +proceeded in the following manner:—'When the rascal came into the +room, after gazing at me a little, what do you think, gentlemen, that he +did? He held up one finger, as much as to say, you have only one eye. I +then held up two, to <span class="pagenum">[265]</span> let him know that +my one eye was as good as both of his. He then held up three, as much as +to say, we have only three eyes between us. This was so provoking, that I +bent my fist at the scoundrel, and had it not been for your sakes, I +should certainly have risen from the chair, pulled off my wig and gown, +and taught him how to insult a man, because he had the misfortune to lose +one eye. The impudence of the fellow, however, did not stop here; for he +then pulled out an orange from his pocket, and held it up, as much as to +say, Your poor beggarly country cannot produce this. I then pulled out a +piece of good cake, and held it up, giving him to understand, that I did +not care a farthing for his trash. Neither do I; and I only regret, that I +did not thrash the scoundrel's hide, that he might remember how he +insulted me, and abused my country.' We may learn from hence, that if +there are not two ways of telling a story, there are at least two ways of +understanding Signs, and also of interpreting them.” + </p> +<p> +This story, which was told with considerable effect by their merry +companion, alternately called forth loud bursts of laughter, induced +profound silence, and particularly interested and delighted young Mortimer +and Tallyho; while Merrywell kept the glass in circulation, insisting on +<i>no day-light</i>{1} nor <i>heel-taps</i>,{2} and the lads began to feel +themselves all in high feather. Time was passing in fearless enjoyment, +and Frank Harry being called on by Merrywell for a song, declared he had +no objection to tip 'em a rum chant, provided it was agreed that it should +go round. +</p> +<p> +This proposal was instantly acceded to, a promise made that he should not +be at a loss for a good <i>coal-box</i>;{3} and after a little more rosin, +without which, he said, he could not pitch the key-note, he sung the +following<span class="pagenum">[266]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +SONG. + +Oh, London! dear London! magnanimous City, +Say where is thy likeness again to be found? + +Here pleasures abundant, delightful and pretty, +All whisk us and frisk us in magical round; + +1 No day-light—That is to leave no space in the glass; or, +in other words, to take a bumper. + +2 Heel-taps—To leave no wine at the bottom. + +3 Coal-box—A very common corruption of chorus. + +Here we have all that in life can merry be, +Looking and laughing with friends Hob and Nob, + +More frolic and fun than there's bloom on the cherry-tree, +While we can muster a <i>Sovereign Bob</i>. +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—Yes, yes, London is the large world in a small compass: it +contains all the comforts and pleasures of human life—“Aye aye, +(says a Bumpkin to his more accomplished Kinsman) Ye mun brag o' yer +Lunnun fare; if smoak, smother, mud, and makeshift be the comforts and +pleasures, gie me free air, health and a cottage.”—Ha, ha, ha, Hark +at the just-catch'd Johnny Rata, (says a bang-up Lad in a lily-shallow and +upper toggery) where the devil did you come from? who let you loose upon +society? d———e, you ought to be coop'd up at Exeter +?Change among the wild beasts, the Kangaroos and Catabaws, and shewn as +the eighth wonder of the world! Shew 'em in! Shew 'em in! stir him up with +a long pole; the like never seen before; here's the head of an owl with +the tail of an ass—all alive, alive O! D———me how +the fellow stares; what a marvellous piece of a mop-stick without thrums.—“By +gum (says the Bumpkin) you looks more like an ape, and Ise a great mind to +gie thee a douse o' the chops.”—You'd soon find yourself chop-fallen +there, my nabs, (replies his antagonist)—you are not up to the +gammon—you must go to College and learn to sing +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Oh, London! dear London! &c. + +Here the streets are so gay, and the features so smiling, + +With uproar and noise, bustle, bother, and gig; +The lasses (dear creatures! ) each sorrow beguiling, + +The Duke and the Dustman, the Peer and the Prig; +Here is his Lordship from gay Piccadilly, + +There an ould Clothesman from Rosemary Lane; +Here is a Dandy in search of a filly, + +And there is a Blood, ripe for milling a pane. +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—All higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw—Lawyers, +Lapidaries, Lamplighters, and Lap-dogs—Men-milliners, Money-lenders, +and Fancy Millers, Mouse-trap Mongers, and Matchmen, in one eternal round +of variety! Paradise is a pail of cold water in comparison with its +unparalleled pleasures—and the wishing cap of Fortunatus could not +produce a greater abundance of delight—Cat's Meat—Dog's Meat—Here +they are all four a penny, hot hot hot, smoking hot, piping hot hot +Chelsea Buns—Clothes sale, clothes—Sweep, sweep—while a +poor bare-footed Ballad Singer with a hoarse discordant voice at intervals +chimes in with +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“They led me like a pilgrim thro' the labyrinth of care, +You may know me by my sign and the robe that I wear;” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[267]</span> so that the concatenation of sounds +mingling all at once into one undistinguished concert of harmony, induces +me to add mine to the number, by singing— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Oh, London! dear London! &c. + +The Butcher, whose tray meets the dough of the Baker, + +And bundles his bread-basket out of his hand; +The Exquisite Lad, and the dingy Flue Faker,{1} + +And coaches to go that are all on the stand: +Here you may see the lean sons of Parnassus, + +The puffing Perfumer, so spruce and so neat; +While Ladies, who flock to the fam'd Bonassus, + +Are boning our hearts as we walk thro' the street. +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—“In gude truth,” says a brawney Scotchman, “I'se ne'er +see'd sic bonny work in a' my liefe—there's nae walking up the +streets without being knock'd doon, and nae walking doon the streets +without being tripp'd up.”—“Blood-an-oons, (says an Irishman) don't +be after blowing away your breath in blarney, my dear, when you'll want it +presently to cool your barley broth.”—“By a leaf,” cries a Porter +with a chest of drawers on his knot, and, passing between them, capsizes +both at once, then makes the best of his way on a jog-trot, humming to +himself, Ally Croaker, or Hey diddle Ho diddle de; and leaving the fallen +heroes to console themselves with broken heads, while some officious +friends are carefully placing them on their legs, and genteelly easing +their pockets of the possibles; after which they toddle off at leisure, to +sing +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Oh, London! dear London! &c. + +Then for buildings so various, ah, who would conceive it, + +Unless up to London they'd certainly been? +?Tis a truth, I aver, tho' you'd scarcely believe it, + +That at the Court end not a Court's to be seen; +Then for grandeur or style, pray where is the nation + +For fashion or folly can equal our own? +Or fit out a fête like the grand Coronation? + +I defy the whole world, there is certainly none. +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—Talk of sights and sounds—is not there the Parliament +House, the King's Palace, and the Regent's Bomb—The Horse-guards, +the Body-guards, and the Black-guards—The Black-legs, and the +Bluestockings—The Horn-blower, and the Flying Pie-man—The +Indian Juggler—Punch and Judy—(imitating the well-known +Show-man)—The young and the old, the grave and the gay—The +modest Maid and the willing Cyprian—The Theatres—The Fives +Court and the Court of Chancery—<span class="pagenum">[268]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Flue Faker—A cant term for Chimney-sweep. + +The Giants in Guildhall, to be seen by great and small, and, +what's more than all, the Coronation Ball— + +Mirth, fun, frolic, and frivolity, +To please the folks of quality: + +For all that can please the eye, the ear, the taste, the touch, +the smell, + +Whether bang-up in life, unfriended or undone, + +No place has such charms as the gay town of London. + +Oh, Loudon! dear London! &c. +</div> +<p> +The quaint peculiarities of the Singer gave indescribable interest to this +song, as he altered his voice to give effect to the various cries of the +inhabitants, and it was knock'd down with three times three rounds of +applause; when Merrywell, being named for the next, sung, accompanied with +Dashall and Frank Harry, the following +</p> +<div class='pre'> +GLEE. + +“Wine, bring me wine—come fill the sparkling glass, +Brisk let the bottle circulate; +Name, quickly name each one his fav'rite lass, +Drive from your brows the clouds of fate: +Fill the sparkling bumper high, +Let us drain the bottom dry. + +Come, thou grape-encircled Boy! +From thy blissful seats above, +Crown the present hours with joy, +Bring me wine and bring me love: +Fill the sparkling bumper high, +Let us drain the bottom dry. + +Bacchus, o'er my yielding lip +Spread the produce of thy vine; +Love, thy arrows gently dip, +Temp'ring them with generous wine: +Fill the sparkling bumper high, +Let us drain the bottom dry.” + </div> +<p> +In the mean time, the enemy of life was making rapid strides upon them +unheeded, till Dashall reminded Merrywell of their intended visit to the +East; and that as he expected a large portion of amusement in that +quarter, he proposed a move. +</p> +<p> +They were by this time all well primed—ripe for a rumpus—bang-up +for a lark or spree, any where, any how, or with any body; they therefore +took leave of their present scene of gaiety.<span class="pagenum">[269]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0002"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XVIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Wand'ring with listless gait and spirits gay, +They Eastward next pursued their jocund way; +With story, joke, smart repartee and pun, +Their business pleasure, and their object fun.” + </div> +<p> +IT was a fine moonlight evening, and upon leaving the Globe, they again +found themselves in the hurry, bustle, and noise of the world. The glare +of the gas-lights, and the rattling of coaches, carts and vehicles of +various-descriptions, mingled with +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The busy hum of men,” + </div> +<p> +attracted the attention of their eyes and ears, while the exhilarating +juice of the bottle had given a circulation to the blood which enlivened +imagination and invigorated fancy. Bob conceived himself in Elysium, and +Frank Harry was as frisky as a kitten. The first object that arrested +their progress was the house of Mr. Hone, whose political Parodies, and +whose trials on their account, have given him so much celebrity. His +window at the moment exhibited his recent satirical publication entitled a +Slap at Slop and the Bridge Street Gang.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The great wit and humour displayed in this publication +have deservedly entitled it to rank high among the jeu +desprit productions of this lively age—to describe it were +impossible—to enjoy it must be to possess it; but for the +information of such of our readers as are remote from the +Metropolis, it may perhaps be necessary to give something +like a key of explanation to its title. A certain learned +Gentleman, formerly the Editor of the Times, said now to be +the Conductor of the New Times, who has by his writings +rendered himself obnoxious to a numerous class of readers, +has been long known by the title of Dr. Slop; in his +publication, denominated the mock Times, and the Slop Pail, +he has been strenuous in his endeavours to support and +uphold a Society said to mis-call themselves The +Constitutional Society, but now denominated The Bridge +Street Gang; and the publication alluded to, contains +humorous and satirical parodies, and sketches of the usual +contents of his Slop Pail; with a Life of the learned +Doctor, and an account of the origin of the Gang. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[270]</span> “Here,” said Tom, “we are introduced at +once into a fine field of observation. The inhabitant of this house +defended himself in three different trials for the publication of alleged +impious, profane, and scandalous libels on the Catechism, the Litany, and +the Creed of St. Athanasius, with a boldness, intrepidity, and +perseverance, almost unparalleled, as they followed in immediate +succession, without even an allowance of time for bodily rest or mental +refreshment.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” continued Frank Harry, “and gained a verdict on each occasion, +notwithstanding the combined efforts of men in power, and those whose +constant practice in our Courts of Law, with learning and information at +their fingers ends, rendered his enemies fearful antagonists.” + </p> +<p> +“It was a noble struggle,” said Tallyho; “I remember we had accounts of it +in the country, and we did not fail to express our opinions by +subscriptions to remunerate the dauntless defender of the rights and +privileges of the British subject.” + </p> +<p> +“<i>Tip us your flipper</i>”{1} said Harry—-“then I see you are a +true bit of the bull breed—one of us, as I may say. Well, now you +see the spot of earth he inhabits—zounds, man, in his shop you will +find amusement for a month—see here is The House that Jack Built—there +is the Queen's Matrimonial Ladder, do you mark?—What think you of +these qualifications for a Gentleman? +</p> +<p> +“In love, and in liquor, and o'ertoppled with debt, With women, with wine, +and with duns on the fret.” + </p> +<p> +There you have the Nondescript— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“A something, a nothing—what none understand, +Be-mitred, be-crowned, but without heart or hand; +There's Jack in the Green too, and Noodles, alas! +“Who doodle John Bull of gold, silver, and brass. +</div> +<p> +“Come,” said Dashall, “you must cut your story short; I know if you begin +to preach, we shall have a sermon as long as from here to South America, +so allons;” and with this impelling his Cousin forward, they +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Tip us your Flipper—your mawley—your daddle, or your +thieving hook; are terms made use of as occasions may suit +the company in which they are introduced, to signify a desire +to shake hands. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[271]</span> approached towards Saint Paul's, +chiefly occupied in conversation on the great merit displayed in the +excellent designs of Mr. Cruikshank, which embellish the work they had +just been viewing; nor did they discover any thing further worthy of +notice, till Bob's ears were suddenly attracted by a noise somewhat like +that of a rattle, and turning sharply round to discover from whence it +came, was amused with the sight of several small busts of great men, +apparently dancing to the music of a weaver's shuttle.{1} +</p> +<p> +“What the devil do you call this?” said he—“is it an exhibition of +wax-work, or a model academy?” + </p> +<p> +“Neither,” replied Dashall; “this is no other than the shop of a +well-known dealer in stockings and nightcaps, who takes this ingenious +mode of making himself popular, and informing the passengers that +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Here you may be served with all patterns and sizes, +From the foot to the head, at moderate prices;” + </div> +<p> +with woolens for winter, and cottons for summer—Let us move on, for +there generally is a crowd at the door, and there is little doubt but he +profits by those who are induced to gaze, as most people do in London, if +they can but entrap attention. Romanis is one of those gentlemen who has +contrived to make some noise in the world by puffing advertisements, and +the circulation of poetical handbills. He formerly kept a very small shop +for the sale of hosiery nearly opposite the East-India House, where he +supplied the Sailors after receiving their pay for a long voyage, as well +as their Doxies, with the articles in which he deals, by obtaining +permission to style himself “Hosier to the Rt. Hon. East India Company.” + Since which, finding his trade increase and his purse extended, he has +extended his patriotic views of clothing the whole population of London by +opening shops in various parts, and has at almost all times two or three +depositories for +</p> +<p> +1 Romanis, the eccentric Hosier, generally places a loom near the door of +his shops decorated with small busts; some of which being attached to the +upper movements of the machinery, and grotesquely attired in patchwork and +feathers, bend backwards and forwards with the motion of the works, +apparently to salute the spectators, and present to the idea persons +dancing; while every passing of the shuttle produces a noise which may be +assimilated to that of the Rattlesnake, accompanied with sounds something +like those of a dancing-master beating time to his scholars. <span +class="pagenum">[272]</span> his stock. At this moment, besides what we +have just seen, there is one in Gracechurch Street, and another in +Shoreditch, where the passengers are constantly assailed by a little boy, +who stands at the door with some bills in his hand, vociferating—Cheap, +cheap.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” said Bob, “wherever he resides I suppose may really be called +Cheapside?” + </p> +<p> +“With quite as much propriety,” continued Ton, “as the place we are now +in; for, as the Irishman says in his song, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“At a place called Cheapside they sell every thing dear.” + </div> +<p> +During this conversation, Mortimer, Merrywell, and Harry were amusing +themselves by occasionally addressing the numerous Ladies who were +passing, and taking a peep at the shops—giggling with girls, or +admiring the taste and elegance displayed in the sale of fashionable and +useful articles—justled and impeded every now and then by the +throng. Approaching Bow Church, they made a dead stop for a moment. +</p> +<p> +“What a beautiful steeple!” exclaimed Bob; “I should, though no architect, +prefer this to any I have yet seen in London.” + </p> +<p> +“Your remark,” replied Dashall, “does credit to your taste; it is +considered the finest in the Metropolis. St. Paul's displays the grand +effort of Sir Christopher Wren; but there are many other fine specimens of +his genius to be seen in the City. His Latin Epitaph in St. Paul's may be +translated thus: 'If you seek his monument, look around you;' and we may +say of this steeple, 'If you wish a pillar to his fame, look up.' The +interior of the little church, Walbrook,{1} (St. Stephen's) is likewise +considered a +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This church is perhaps unrivalled, for the beauty of the +architecture of its interior. For harmony of proportion, +grace, airiness, variety, and elegance, it is not to be +surpassed. It is a small church, built in the form of a +cross. The roof is supported by Corinthian columns, so +disposed as to raise an idea of grandeur, which the +dimensions of the structure do not seem to promise. Over the +centre, at which the principal aisles cross, is a dome +divided into compartments, the roof being partitioned in a +similar manner, and the whole finely decorated. The effect +of this build-ing is inexpressibly delightful; the eye at +one glance embracing a plan full and distinct, and +afterwards are seen a greater number of parts than the +spectator was prepared to expect. It is known and admired on +the Continent, as a master-piece of art. Over the altar is a +fine painting of the martyrdom of St. Stephen, by West. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[273]</span> <i>chef d'ouvre</i> of the same artist, +and serves to display the versatility of his genius.” + </p> +<p> +Instead however of looking up, Bob was looking over the way, where a +number of people, collected round a bookseller's window, had attracted his +attention. +</p> +<p> +“Apropos,” cried Dashall,—“The Temple of Apollo—we should have +overlook'd a fine subject, but for your remark—yonder is Tegg's +Evening Book Auction, let us cross and see what's going on. He is a fellow +of 'infinite mirth and good humour,' and many an evening have I passed at +his Auction, better amused than by a farce at the Theatre.” + </p> +<p> +They now attempted to cross, but the intervening crowd of carriages, three +or four deep, and in a line as far as the eye could reach, for the present +opposed an obstacle. +</p> +<p> +“If I could think of it,” said Sparkle, “I'd give you the Ode on his +Birth-day, which I once saw in MS.—it is the <i>jeu d'esprit</i> of +a very clever young Poet, and who perhaps one of these days may be better +known; but poets, like anatomical subjects, are worth but little till +dead.” + </p> +<p> +“And for this reason, I suppose,” says Tom, “their friends and patrons are +anxious they should rather be starved than die a natural death.” + </p> +<p> +“Oh! now I have it—let us remain in the Church-yard a few minutes, +while the carriages pass, and you shall hear it."<span class="pagenum">[274]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Ye hackney-coaches, and ye carts, +That oft so well perform your parts +For those who choose to ride, +Now louder let your music grow— +Your heated axles fiery glow— +Whether you travel quick or slow- +In Cheapside. + +For know, “ye ragged rascals all,” + (As H——- would in his pulpit bawl +With cheeks extended wide) +Know, as you pass the crowded way, +This is the happy natal day +Of Him whose books demand your stay +In Cheapside. + +?Twas on the bright propitious morn +When the facetious Tegcy was born, +Of mirth and fun the pride, +That Nature said “good Fortune follow, +Bear him thro' life o'er hill and hollow, +Give him the Temple of Apollo +In Cheapside.” + +Then, O ye sons of Literature! +Shew your regard for Mother Nature, +Nor let her be denied: +Hail! hail the man whose happy birth +May tell the world of mental worth; +They'll find the best books on the earth +In Cheapside. +</div> +<p> +“Good!” exclaimed Bob; “but we will now endeavour to make our way across, +and take a peep at the subject of the Ode.” + </p> +<p> +Finding the auction had not yet commenced, Sparkle proposed adjourning to +the Burton Coffee House in the adjacent passage, taking a nip of ale by +way of refreshment and exhilaration, and returning in half an hour. This +proposition was cordially agreed to by all, except Tallyho, whose +attention was engrossed by a large collection of Caricatures which lay +exposed in a portfolio on the table beneath the rostrum. The irresistible +broad humour of the subjects had taken fast hold of his risible muscles, +and in turning them over one after the other, he found it difficult to +part with such a rich fund of humour, and still more so to stifle the +violent emotion it excited. At length, clapping his hands to his sides, he +gave full vent to the impulse in a horse-laugh from a pair of truly +Stentorian lungs, and was by main force dragged out by his companions. +</p> +<p> +While seated in the comfortable enjoyment of their nips of ale, Sparkle, +with his usual vivacity, began an elucidation of the subjects they had +just left. “The collection of Caricatures,” said he, “which is considered +the largest in London, are mostly from the pencil of that self-taught +artist, the late George Woodward, and display not only a genuine and +original style of humour in the design, but a corresponding and +appropriate character in the dialogue, or speeches connected with the +figures. Like his contemporary in another branch of the art, George +Morland, he possessed all the eccentricity and thoughtless improvidence so +common and frequently so fatal to genius; and had not his good fortune led +him towards Bow Church, he must have suffered severe privations, and +perhaps eventually have perished of want. Here, he always found a ready +market, and a liberal price for his productions, however rude or hasty the +sketch, or whatever might be the subject of them.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[275]</span> “As to books,” continued he, “all ages, +classes, and appetites, may be here suited. The superficial dabbler in, +and pretender to every thing, will find collections, selections, beauties, +flowers, gems, &c. The man of real knowledge may here purchase the +elements, theory, and practice of every art and science, in all the +various forms and dimensions, from a single volume, to the Encyclopedia at +large. The dandy may meet with plenty of pretty little foolscap volumes, +delightfully hot-pressed, and exquisitely embellished; the contents of +which will neither fatigue by the quantity, nor require the laborious +effort of thought to comprehend. The jolly <i>bon-vivant</i> and Bacchanal +will find abundance of the latest songs, toasts, and sentiments; and the +Would-be-Wit will meet with Joe Miller in such an endless variety of new +dresses, shapes, and sizes, that he may fancy he possesses all the +collected wit of ages brought down to the present moment. The young +Clerical will find sermons adapted to every local circumstance, every rank +and situation in society, and may furnish himself with a complete stock in +trade of sound orthodox divinity; while the City Epicure may store himself +with a complete library on the arts of confectionary, cookery, &c, +from Apicius, to the “Glutton's Almanack.” The Demagogue may furnish +himself with flaming patriotic speeches, ready cut and dried, which he has +only to learn by heart against the next Political Dinner, and if he should +not 'let the cat out,' by omitting to substitute the name of Londonderry +for Cæsar, he may pass off for a second Brutus, and establish an equal +claim to oratory with Burke, Pitt, and Fox. The——” + </p> +<p> +“Auction will be over,” interrupted Bob, “before you get half through your +descriptive Catalogue of the Books, so finish your nip, and let us be +off.” + </p> +<p> +They entered, and found the Orator hard at it, knocking down with all the +energy of a Crib, and the sprightly wit of a Sheridan. Puns, bon mots, and +repartees, flew about like crackers. +</p> +<p> +“The next lot, Gentlemen, is the Picture of London,—impossible to +possess a more useful book—impossible to say what trouble and +expence may be avoided by the possession of this little volume. When your +Country Cousins pay you a visit, what a bore, what an expence, to be day +after day leading them about—taking them up the Monument—down +the Adelphi—round St. Paul's—across the <span class="pagenum">[276]</span> +Parks, through the new Streets—along the Strand, or over the Docks, +the whole of which may be avoided at the expence of a few shillings. You +have only to clap into their pocket in the morning this invaluable little +article, turn them out for the day, and, if by good luck they should not +fall into the hands of sharpers and swindlers, your dear Coz will return +safe home at night, with his head full of wonders, and his pockets empty +of cash!” + </p> +<p> +“The d——l,” whispered Bob, “he seems to know me, and what +scent we are upon.” + </p> +<p> +“Aye,” replied his Cousin, “he not only knows you, but he knows that some +of your cash will soon be in his pockets, and has therefore made a dead +set at you.” + </p> +<p> +“Next lot, Gentlemen, is a work to which my last observation bore some +allusion; should your friends, as I then observed, fortunately escape the +snares and dangers laid by sharpers and swindlers to entrap the unwary, +you may, perchance, see them safe after their day's ramble; but should—aye, +Gentlemen, there's the rub—should they be caught by the numerous +traps and snares laid for the Johnny Raw and Greenhorn in this great and +wicked metropolis, God knows what may become of them. Now, Gentlemen, we +have a remedy for every disease—here is the London Spy or Stranger's +Guide through the Metropolis; here all the arts, frauds, delusions, &c. +are exposed, and—Tom, give that Gentleman change for his half crown, +and deliver Lot 3.—As I was before observing, Gentlemen—Turn +out that young rascal who is making such a noise, cracking nuts, that I +can't hear the bidding.—Gentlemen, as I before observed, if you will +do me the favour of bidding me—” + </p> +<p> +“Good night, Sir,” cried a younker, who had just exploded a detonating +cracker, and was making his escape through the crowd. +</p> +<p> +“The next lot, gentlemen, is the Young Man's best Companion, and as your +humble Servant is the author, he begs to decline any panegyric—modesty +forbids it—but leaves it entirely with you to appreciate its merits—two +shillings—two and six—three shillings—three and six—four, +going for four—for you, Sir, at four.” + </p> +<p> +“Me, Sir! Lord bless you, I never opened my mouth!” + </p> +<p> +“Perfectly aware of that, Sir, it was quite unnecessary—I could read +your intention in your eye—and observed the muscle of the mouth, +call'd by anatomists the +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[277]</span> <i>zygomaticus major</i>, in the act of +moving. I should have been dull not to have noticed it—and rude not +to have saved you the trouble of speaking: Tom, deliver the Gentleman the +lot, and take four shillings.” + </p> +<p> +“Well, Sir, I certainly feel flattered with your acute and polite +attention, and can do no less than profit by it—so hand up the lot—cheap +enough, God knows.” + </p> +<p> +“And pray,” said Dashall to his Cousin as they quitted, “what do you +intend doing with all your purchases? why it will require a waggon to +remove them.” + </p> +<p> +“O, I shall send the whole down to Belville Hall: our friends there will +be furnished with a rare stock of entertainment during the long winter +evenings, and no present I could offer would be half so acceptable.” + </p> +<p> +“Well,” remarked Mortimer, “you bid away bravely, and frequently in your +eagerness advanced on yourself: at some sales you would have paid dearly +for this; but here no advantage was taken, the mistake was explained, and +the bidding declined in the most fair and honourable manner. I have often +made considerable purchases, and never yet had reason to repent, which is +saying much; for if I inadvertently bid for, and had a lot knocked down to +me, which I afterwards disliked, I always found an acquaintance glad to +take it off my hands at the cost, and in several instances have sold or +exchanged to considerable advantage. One thing I am sorry we overlooked: a +paper entitled, “Seven Reasons,” is generally distributed during the Sale, +and more cogent reasons I assure you could not be assigned, both for +purchasing and reading in general, had the seven wise men of Greece drawn +them up. You may at any time procure a copy, and it will furnish you with +an apology for the manner in which you have spent your time and money, for +at least one hour, during your abode in London.” + </p> +<p> +Please, Sir, to buy a ha'porth of matches, said a poor, squalid little +child without a shoe to her foot, who was running by the side of Bob—it's +the last ha'porth, Sir, and I must sell them before I go home. +</p> +<p> +This address was uttered in so piteous a tone, that it could not well be +passed unheeded. +</p> +<p> +“Why,” said Tallyho, “as well as Bibles and Schools for all, London seems +to have a match for every body.” + </p> +<p> +“Forty a penny, Spring-radishes,” said a lusty bawling <span +class="pagenum">[278]</span> fellow as he passed, in a voice so loud and +strong, as to form a complete contrast to the little ragged Petitioner, +?who held out her handful of matches continuing her solicitations. Bob put +his hand in his pocket, and gave her sixpence. +</p> +<p> +“We shall never get on at this rate,” said Tom; “and I find I must again +advise you not to believe all you hear and see. These little ragged +run-abouts are taught by their Parents a species of imposition or +deception of which you are not aware, and while perhaps you congratulate +yourself with 'the thought of having done a good act, you are only +contributing to the idleness and dissipation of a set of hardened beings, +who are laughing at your credulity; and I suspect this is a case in point—do +you see that woman on the opposite side of the way, and the child giving +her the money?” + </p> +<p> +“I do,” said Tallyho; “that, I suppose, is her mother?” + </p> +<p> +“Probably,” continued Dashall—“now mark what will follow.” + </p> +<p> +They stopped a short time, and observed that the Child very soon disposed +of her last bunch of matches, as she had termed them, gave the money to +the woman, who supplied her in return with another last bunch, to be +disposed of in a similar way. +</p> +<p> +“Is it possible?” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Not only possible, but you see it is actual; it is not however the only +species of deceit practised with success in London in a similar way; +indeed the trade of match-making has latterly been a good one among those +who have been willing to engage in it. Many persons of decent appearance, +representing themselves to be tradesmen and mechanics out of employ, have +placed themselves at the corners of our streets, and canvassed the +outskirts of the town, with green bags, carrying matches, which, by +telling a pityful tale, they induce housekeepers and others, who +commiserate their situation, to purchase; and, in the evening, are able to +figure away in silk stockings with the produce of their labours. There is +one man, well known in town, who makes a very good livelihood by bawling +in a stentorian voice, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, +Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, +Buy my good matches, come buy'em of me.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[279]</span> He is usually dressed in something like +an old military great coat, wears spectacles, and walks with a stick.” + </p> +<p> +“And is a match for any body, match him who can,”, cried Frank Harry; +“But, bless your heart, that's nothing to another set of gentry, who have +infested our streets in clean apparel, with a broom in their hands, +holding at the same time a hat to receive the contributions of the +passengers, whose benevolent donations are drawn forth without inquiry by +the appearance of the applicant.” + </p> +<p> +“It must,” said Tallyho, “arise from the distresses of the times.” + </p> +<p> +“There may be something in that,” said Tom; “but in many instances it has +arisen from the depravity of the times—to work upon the well-known +benevolent feelings of John Bull; for those who ambulate the public +streets of this overgrown and still increasing Metropolis and its +principal avenues, are continually pestered with impudent impostors, of +both sexes, soliciting charity—men and women, young and old, who get +more by their pretended distresses in one day than many industrious and +painstaking tradesmen or mechanics do in a week. All the miseries, all the +pains of life, with tears that ought to be their honest and invariable +signals, can be and are counterfeited—limbs, which enjoy the fair +proportion of nature, are distorted, to work upon humanity—fits are +feigned and wounds manufactured—rags, and other appearances of the +most squalid and abject poverty, are assumed, as the best engines of +deceit, to procure riches to the idle and debaucheries to the infamous. +Ideal objects of commiseration are undoubtedly to be met with, though +rarely to be found. It requires a being hackneyed in the ways of men, or +having at least some knowledge of the town, to be able to discriminate the +party deserving of benevolence; but +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“A begging they will go will go, +And a begging they will go.” + </div> +<p> +The chief cause assigned by some for the innumerable classes of mendicants +that infest our streets, is a sort of innate principle of independence and +love of liberty. However, it must be apparent that they do not like to +work, and to beg they are not ashamed; they are, with very few exceptions, +lazy and impudent. And then what <span class="pagenum">[280]</span> is +collected from the humane but deluded passengers is of course expended at +their festivals in Broad Street, St. Giles's, or some other equally +elegant and appropriate part of the town, to which we shall at an early +period pay a visit. Their impudence is intolerable; for, if refused a +contribution, they frequently follow up the denial with the vilest +execrations. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“To make the wretched blest, +Private charity is best.” + </div> +<p> +“The common beggar spurns at your laws; indeed many of their arts are so +difficult of detection, that they are enabled to escape the vigilance of +the police, and with impunity insult those who do not comply with their +wishes, seeming almost to say, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“While I am a beggar I will rail, +And say there is no sin but to be rich; +And being rich, my virtue then shall be, +To say there is no vice but beggary.” + </div> +<p> +“Begging has become so much a sort of trade, that parents have been known +to give their daughters or sons the begging of certain streets in the +metropolis as marriage portions; and some years ago some scoundrels were +in the practice of visiting the outskirts of the town in sailors' dresses, +pretending to be dumb, and producing written papers stating that their +tongues had been cut out by the Algerines, by which means they excited +compassion, and were enabled to live well.” + </p> +<p> +“No doubt it is a good trade,” said Merry well, “and I expected we should +have been made better acquainted with its real advantages by Capt. +Barclay, of walking and sporting celebrity, who, it was said, had laid a +wager of 1000L. that he would walk from London to Edinburgh in the assumed +character of a beggar, pay all his expences of living well on the road, +and save out of his gains fifty pounds.” + </p> +<p> +“True,” said Tom, “but according to the best account that can be obtained, +that report is without foundation. The establishment, however, of the +Mendicity Society{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The frauds and impositions practised upon the public are +so numerous, that volumes might be filled by detailing the +arts that have been and are resorted to by mendicants; and +the records of the Society alluded to would furnish +instances that might almost stagger the belief of the most +credulous. The life of the infamous Vaux exhibits numerous +instances in which he obtained money under genteel +professions, by going about with a petition soliciting the +aid and assistance of the charitable and humane; and +therefore are continually cheats who go from door to door +collecting money for distressed families, or for charitable +purposes. It is, however, a subject so abundant, and +increasing by every day's observation, that we shall for the +present dismiss it, as there will be other opportunities in +the course of the work for going more copiously into it. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[281]</span> is calculated to discover much on this +subject, and has already brought to light many instances of depravity and +deception, well deserving the serious consideration of the public.” + </p> +<p> +As they approached the end of the Poultry,—“This,” said Dashall, “is +the heart of the first commercial city in the known world. On the right is +the Mansion House, the residence of the Lord Mayor for the time being.” + </p> +<p> +The moon had by this time almost withdrawn her cheering beams, and there +was every appearance, from the gathering clouds, of a shower of rain. +</p> +<p> +“It is rather a heavy looking building, from what I can see at present,” + replied Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Egad!” said Tom, “the appearance of every thing at this moment is gloomy, +let us cross.” + </p> +<p> +With this, they crossed the road to Debatt's the Pastry Cook's Shop. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds!” said Tom, casting his eye upon the clock, “it is after ten; I +begin to suspect we must alter our course, and defer a view of the east to +a more favourable opportunity, and particularly as we are likely to have +an accompaniment of water.” + </p> +<p> +“Never mind,” said Merrywell, “we can very soon be in very comfortable +quarters; besides, a rattler is always to be had or a comfortable lodging +to be procured with an obliging bed-fellow—don't you begin to croak +before there is any occasion for it—what has time to do with us?” + </p> +<p> +“Aye aye,” said Frank Harry, “don't be after damping us before we get wet; +this is the land of plenty, and there is no fear of being lost—come +along.” + </p> +<p> +“On the opposite side,” said Tom, addressing his Cousin, “is the Bank of +England; it is a building of large extent and immense business; you can +now only discern its exterior by the light of the lamps; it is however a +place <span class="pagenum">[282]</span> to which we must pay a visit, and +take a complete survey upon some future occasion. In the front is the +Royal Exchange, the daily resort of the Merchants and Traders of the +Metropolis, to transact their various business.” + </p> +<p> +“Come,” said Merry well, “I find we are all upon the right scent—Frank +Harry has promised to introduce us to a house of well known resort in this +neighbourhood—we will shelter ourselves under the staple commodity +of the country—for the Woolsack and the Woolpack, I apprehend, are +synonimous.” + </p> +<p> +“Well thought of, indeed,” said Dashall; “it is a house where you may at +all times be certain of good accommodation and respectable society—besides, +I have some acquaintance there of long standing, and may probably meet +with them; so have with you, my boys. The Woolpack in Cornhill,” continued +he, addressing himself more particularly to Tallyho, “is a house that has +been long established, and deservedly celebrated for its general +accommodations, partaking as it does of the triple qualifications of +tavern, chop-house, and public-house. Below stairs is a commodious room +for smoking parties, and is the constant resort of foreigners,{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 There is an anecdote related, which strongly induces a +belief that Christian VII. while in London, visited this +house in company with his dissipated companion, Count +Holcke, which, as it led to the dismissal of Holcke, and the +promotion of the afterwards unfortunate Struensée, and is +perhaps not very generally known, we shall give here. + +One day while in London, Count Holcke and Christian vir. +went to a well-known public-house not far from the Bank, +which was much frequented by Dutch and Swedish Captains: +Here they listened to the conversation of the company, +which, as might be expected, was full of expressions of +admiration and astonishment at the splendid festivities +daily given in honour of Christian VII. Count Holcke, who +spoke German in its purity, asked an old Captain what he +thought of his King, and if he were not proud of the honours +paid to him by the English?—“I think (said the old man +dryly) that with such counsellors as Count Holcke, if he +escapes destruction it will be a miracle.”—' Do you know +Count Holcke, my friend, (said the disguised courtier) as +you speak of him thus familiarly?'—“Only by report (replied +the Dane); but every person in Copenhagen pities the young +Queen, attributing the coolness which the King shewed +towards her, ere he set out on his voyage, to the malicious +advice of Holcke.” The confusion of this minion may be +easier conceived than described; whilst the King, giving the +Skipper a handful of ducats, bade him <i>speak the truth and +shame the devil</i>. As soon, however, as the King spoke in +Danish, the Skipper knew him, and looking at him with love +and reverence, said in a low, subdued tone of voice—” + Forgive me, Sire, but I cannot forbear my tears to see you +exposed to the temptations of this extensive and wicked +Metropolis, under the pilotage of the most dissolute +nobleman of Denmark.” Upon which he retired, bowing +profoundly to his Sovereign, and casting at Count Holcke a +look full of defiance and reproach. Holcke's embarrassment +was considerably increased by this, and he was visibly hurt, +seeing the King in a manner countenanced the rudeness of the +Skipper. + +This King, who it should seem determined to see <i>Real Life +in London</i>, mingled in all societies, participating in their +gaieties and follies, and by practices alike injurious to +body and soul, abandoned himself to destructive habits, +whose rapid progress within a couple of years left nothing +but a shattered and debilitated hulk afflicted in the +morning of life with all the imbecility of body and mind +incidental to extreme old age. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[283]</span> who are particularly partial to the +brown stout, which they can obtain there in higher perfection than in any +other house in London. Brokers and others, whose business calls them to +the Royal Exchange, are also pretty constant visitors, to meet captains +and traders—dispose of different articles of merchandise—engage +shipping and bind bargains—it is a sort of under Exchange, where +business and refreshment go hand in hand with the news of the day, and the +clamour of the moment; beside which, the respectable tradesmen of the +neighbourhood meet in an evening to drive dull care away, and converse on +promiscuous subjects; it is generally a mixed company, but, being +intimately connected with our object of seeing <i>Real Life in London</i>, +deserves a visit. On the first floor is a good room for dining, where +sometimes eighty persons in a day are provided with that necessary meal in +a genteel style, and at a moderate price—besides other rooms for +private parties. Above these is perhaps one of the handsomest rooms in +London, of its size, capable of dining from eighty to a hundred persons. +But you will now partake of its accommodations, and mingle with some of +its company.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had passed the Royal Exchange, and Tom was enlarging +upon the new erections lately completed; when all at once, +</p> +<p> +“Hallo,” said Bob, “what is become of our party?” “All right,” replied his +Cousin; “they have given us the slip without slipping from us—I know +their movements to a moment, we shall very soon be with them—this +way—this way,” said he, drawing Bob into the narrow passage which +leads to the back of St. Peter's Church, Cornhill—“this is the track +we must follow.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho followed in silence till they entered the house, and were greeted +by the Landlord at the bar with a bow of welcome; passing quickly to the +right, they were saluted with immoderate volumes of smoke, conveying to +their olfactory nerves the refreshing fumes of tobacco, and almost taking +from them the power of sight, except to observe a bright flame burning in +the middle of the room. Tom darted forward, and knowing his way well, was +quickly seated by the side of Merrywell, Mortimer, and Harry; while +Tallyho was seen by those who were invisible to him', groping his way in +the same direction, amidst the laughter of the company, occasionally +interlarded with scraps which caught his ear from a gentleman who was at +the moment reading some of the comments from the columns of the Courier, +in which he made frequent pauses and observations. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[284]</span> “Why, you can't see yourself for +smoke,” said one; “D———n it how hard you tread,” said +another. And then a line from the Reader came as follows—“The worthy +Alderman fought his battles o'er again—Ha, ha, ha—Who comes +here 1 upon my word, Sir, I thought you had lost your way, and tumbled +into the Woolpack instead of the Skin-market.—' It is a friend of +mine, Sir.'—That's a good joke, upon my soul; not arrived yet, why +St. Martin's bells have been ringing all day; perhaps he is only half-seas +over—Don't tell me, I know better than that—D———n +that paper, it ought to be burnt by—The fish are all poison'd by the +Gas-light Company—Six weeks imprisonment for stealing two dogs!—Hides +and bark—How's sugars to-day?—Stocks down indeed—Yes, +Sir, and bread up—Presto, be gone—What d'ye think of that now, +eh?—Gammon, nothing but gammon—On table at four o'clock ready +dressed and—Well done, my boy, that's prime.” + </p> +<p> +These sentences were uttered from different parts of the room in almost as +great a variety of voices as there must have been subjects of +conversation; but as they fell upon the ear of Tallyho without connection, +he almost fancied himself transported to the tower of Babel amidst the +confusion of tongues. +</p> +<p> +“Beg pardon,” said Tallyho, who by this time had gained a seat by his +Cousin, and was gasping like a turtle for air—“I am not used to this +travelling in the dark; but I shall be able to see presently.” + </p> +<p> +“See,” said Frank Harry, “who the devil wants to see more than their +friends around them? and here we are <i>at home to a peg</i>.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[285]</span> “I shall have finished in two minutes, +Gentlemen,” said the Reader,{1} cocking up a red nose, that shone with +resplendent lustre between his spectacles, and then continuing to read on, +only listened to by a few of those around him, while a sort of general buz +of conversation was indistinctly heard from all quarters. +</p> +<p> +They were quickly supplied with grog and segars, and Bob, finding himself +a little better able to make use of his eyes, was throwing his glances to +every part of the room, in order to take a view of the company: and while +Tom was congratulated by those who knew him at the <i>Round Table</i>—Merrywell +and Harry were in close conversation with Mortimer. +</p> +<p> +At a distant part of the room, one could perceive boxes containing small +parties of convivials, smoking and drinking, every one seeming to have +some business of importance to claim occasional attention, or engaged in, +</p> +<p> +“The loud laugh that speaks the vacant mind.” In one corner was a stout +swarthy-looking man, with large whiskers and of ferocious appearance, +amusing those around him with conjuring tricks, to their great +satisfaction and delight; nearly opposite the Reader of the Courier, sat +an elderly Gentleman{2} with grey hair, who heard +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 To those who are in the habit of visiting this room in an +evening, the character alluded to here will immediately be +familiar. He is a gentleman well known in the neighbourhood +as an Auctioneer, and he has a peculiar manner of reading +with strong emphasis certain passages, at the end of which +he makes long pauses, laughs with inward satisfaction, and +not infrequently infuses a degree of pleasantry in others. +The Courier is his favourite paper, and if drawn into an +argument, he is not to be easily subdued. + +“At arguing too each person own'd his skill, +For e'en tho' vanquish'd, he can argue still.” + +2 This gentleman, who is also well known in the room, where +he generally smokes his pipe of an evening, is plain and +blunt, but affable and communicative in his manners—bold in +his assertions, and has proved himself courageous in +defending them—asthmatic, and by some termed phlegmatic; +but an intelligent and agreeable companion, unless thwarted +in his argument—a stanch friend to the late Queen and the +constitution of his country, with a desire to have the +<i>Constitution, the whole Constitution, and nothing but the +Constitution</i>. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[286]</span> what was passing, but said nothing; he +however puffed away large quantities of smoke at every pause of the +Reader, and occasionally grinn'd at the contents of the paper, from which. +Tallyho readily concluded that he was in direct political opposition to +its sentiments. +</p> +<p> +The acquisition of new company was not lost upon to those who were seated +at the round table, and it was not long before the Hon. Tom Dashall was +informed that they hoped to have the honour of his Cousin's name as a +member; nor were they backward in conveying a similar hint to Frank Harry, +who immediately proposed his two friends, Mortimer and Merry well; an +example which was followed by Tom's proposing his Cousin. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2image-0001"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page286.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page286 Road to a Fight "><br> +</div> +<p> +Such respectable introductions could not fail to meet the approbation of +the Gentlemen present,—consequently they were unanimously elected +Knights of the Round Table, which was almost as quickly supplied by the +Waiter with a capacious bowl of punch, and the healths of the newmade +Members drank with three times three; when their attention was suddenly +drawn to a distant part of the room, where a sprightly Stripling, who was +seated by the swarthy Conjuror before mentioned, was singing the following +Song: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +THE JOYS OF A MILL, +OR +A TODDLE TO A FIGHT. +</div> +<div class='pre'> +“Now's the time for milling, boys, since all the world's agog +for it, +Away to Copthorne, Moulsey Hurst, or Slipperton they go; +Or grave or gay, they post away, nay pawn their very togs +for it, +And determined to be up to all, go down to see the show: +Giddy pated, hearts elated, cash and courage all to view it, +Ev'ry one to learn a bit, and tell his neighbours how to do it; +E'en little Sprites in lily whites, are fibbing it and rushing it, +Your dashing Swells from Bagnigge Wells, are flooring it and +flushing it: + +Oh! 'tis a sight so gay and so uproarious, +That all the world is up in arms, and ready for a fight. +The roads are so clogg'd, that they beggar all description now, +With lads and lasses, prim'd and grogg'd for bang-up fun and +glee; +Here's carts and gigs, and knowing prigs all ready to kick up a row, +And ev'ry one is anxious to obtain a place to see; +Here's a noted sprig of life, who sports his tits and clumner too, +And there is Cribb and Gully, Belcher, Oliver, and H armer too, +With Shelton, Bitton, Turner, Hales, and all the lads to go it well, +Who now and then, to please the Fancy, make opponents know it +well: + +Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. +But now the fight's begun, and the Combatants are setting to, +Silence is aloud proclaim'd by voices base and shrill; +Facing, stopping—-fibbing, dropping—claret tapping—betting too— +Reeling, rapping—physic napping, all to grace the mill; +Losing, winning—horse-laugh, grinning—mind you do not glance +away, +Or somebody may mill your mug, and of your nob in Chancery; +For nobs and bobs, and empty fobs, the like no tongue could ever +tell— +See, here's the heavy-handed Gas, and there's the mighty Non- +pareil: + +Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. +Thus milling is the fashion grown, and ev'ry one a closer is; +With lessons from the lads of fist to turn out quite the thing; +True science may be learn'd where'er the fam'd Mendoza is, +And gallantry and bottom too from Scroggins, Martin, Spring; +For sparring now is all the rage in town, and country places +too, +And collar-bones and claret-mugs are often seen at races too; +While counter-hits, and give and take, as long as strength can +hold her seat, +Afford the best amusement in a bit of pugilistic treat: + +Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. +</div> +<p> +While this song was singing, universal silence prevailed, but an uproar of +approbation followed, which lasted for some minutes, with a general call +of encore, which however soon subsided, and the company was again restored +to their former state of conversation; each party appearing distinct, +indulged in such observations and remarks as were most suitable or +agreeable to themselves. +</p> +<p> +Bob was highly pleased with this description of a milling match; and as +the Singer was sitting near the person who had excited a considerable +portion of his attention at intervals in watching his tricks, in some of +which great ingenuity was displayed, he asked his Cousin if he knew him. +</p> +<p> +“Know him,” replied Tom, “to be sure I do; that is no other than Bitton, a +well-known pugilist, who frequently exhibits at the Fives-Court; he is a +Jew, and employs his time in giving lessons.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds!” said Mortimer, “he seems to have studied the art of Legerdemain +as well as the science of Milling.” + </p> +<p> +“He is an old customer here,” said a little Gentleman at the opposite side +of the table, drawing from his pocket a box of segars{1}—“Now, Sir,” + continued he, “if you wish for a treat,” addressing himself to Tallyho, +“allow me to select you one—there, Sir, is asgar like a nosegay—I +had it from a friend of mine who only arrived yesterday—you don't +often meet with such, I assure you.” + </p> +<p> +Bob accepted the offer, and was in the act of lighting it, when Bitton +approached toward their end of the room with some cards in his hand, from +which Bob began to anticipate he would shew some tricks upon them. +</p> +<p> +As soon as he came near the table, he had his eye upon the Hon. Tom +Dashall, to whom he introduced 'himself by the presentation of a card, +which announced his benefit for the next week at the Fives-Court, when all +the prime lads of the ring had promised to exhibit. +</p> +<p> +“Egad!” said Dashall, “it will be an excellent opportunity—what, +will you take a trip that way and see the mighty men of fist?” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“And mine too,” exclaimed Mortimer. +</p> +<p> +It was therefore quickly determined, and each of the party being supplied +with a ticket, Bitton canvassed the room for other customers, after which +he again retired to his seat. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said a smartly dressed Gentleman in a white hat, “we have heard a +song from the other end of the room, I hope we shall be able to muster one +here.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This gentleman, whose dress and appearance indicate +something of the Dandy, is a resident in Mark Lane, and +usually spends his evening at the Round Table, where he +appears to pride himself upon producing the finest segars +that can be procured, and generally affords some of his +friends an opportunity of proving them deserving the +recommendations with which he never fails to present them. +</div> +<p> +This proposition was received with applause, and, upon Tom's giving a +hint, Frank Harry was called upon—the glasses were filled, a toast +was given, and the bowl was dispatched for a replenish; he then sung the +following Song, accompanied with voice, manner, and action, well +calculated to rivet attention and obtain applause: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +PIGGISH PROPENSITIES, + +THE BUMPKIN IN TOWN. + +“A Bumpkin to London one morning in Spring, +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, +Took a fat pig to market, his leg in a string, +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; +The clown drove him forward, while piggy, good lack! +Lik'd his old home so well, he still tried to run back— +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—Coome, coome (said the Bumpkin to himself,) Lunnun is the +grand mart for every thing; there they have their Auction Marts, their +Coffee Marts, and their Linen Marts: and as they are fond of a tid-bit of +country pork, I see no reason why they should not have” a Pork and Bacon +Mart—so get on (pig grunts,) I am glad to hear you have a voice on +the subject, though it seems not quite in tune with my +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la. + +It chanc'd on the road they'd a dreadful disaster, +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; +The grunter ran back 'twixt the legs of his master, +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; +The Bumpkin he came to the ground in a crack, +And the pig, getting loose, he ran all the way back! +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—Hallo, (said the clown, scrambling up again, and scratching +his broken head,) to be sure I have heard of sleight-of-hand, hocus-pocus +and sich like; but by gum this here be a new manouvre called sleight of +legs; however as no boanes be broken between us, I'll endeavour to make +use on 'em once more in following the game in view: so here goes, with a +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Hey derry, ho derry, &c. + +He set off again with his pig in a rope, + +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, +Reach'd London, and now for good sale 'gan to hope +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; +But the pig, being beat 'till his bones were quite sore. +Turning restive, rush'd in at a brandy-shop door. +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—The genteeler and politer part of the world might feel a +little inclined to call this piggish behaviour; but certainly after a long +and fatiguing journey, nothing can be more refreshing than a <i>drap of +the cratur</i>; and deeming this the regular mart for the good stuff, in +he bolts, leaving his master to sing as long as he pleased—Hey +derry, he deny, &c. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Here three snuffy Tabbies he put to the rout, + +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai lft, +With three drams to the quartern, that moment serv'd +out, +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; +The pig gave a grunt, and the clown gave a roar, +When the whole of the party lay flat on the floor! +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—Yes, there they lay all of a lump; and a precious group +there was of them: The old women, well prun'd with snuff and twopenny, and +bang-up with gin and bitters—the fair ones squalled; the clown +growled like a bear with a broken head; the landlord, seeing all that +could be seen as they roll'd over each other, stared, like a stuck pig! +while this grand chorus of soft and sweet voices from the swinish +multitude was accompanied by the pig with his usual grunt, and a +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Hey derry, ho derry, &o. + +The pig soon arose, and the door open flew, + +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la, +When this scrambling group was expos'd to my view, +Hey deny, ho derry, fal de ral la; +He set off again, without waiting for Jack, +And not liking London, ran all the way back! +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—The devil take the pig! (said the Bumpkin) he is more +trouble than enough. “The devil take you (said Miss Sukey Snuffle) for you +are the greatest hog of the two; I dare say, if the truth was known, you +are brothers.”—“I declare I never was so exposed in all my life +(said Miss Delia Doldrum.) There's my beautiful bloom petticoat, that +never was rumpled before in all my life—I'm quite shock'd!”—“Never +mind, (said the landlord) nobody cares about it; tho' I confess it was a +shocking affair.”—'I wish he and his pigs were in the horse-pond +(continued she, endeavouring to hide her blushes with her hand)—Oh +my—oh my!'—“What?” (said Boniface)—'Oh, my elbow! +(squall'd out Miss Emilia Mumble) I am sure I shall never get over it.'—“Oh +yes you will (continued he) rise again, cheer your spirits with another +drop of old Tom, and you'll soon be able to sing +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Hey derry, ho derry, &c. + +By mutual consent the old women all swore, + +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, +That the clown was a brute, and his pig was a boar, +Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; +He paid for their liquor, but grumbled, good lack, +Without money or pig to gang all the way back. +</div> +<p> +(Spoken)—By gum (said he to himself, as he turn'd from the door) if +the Lunneners likes country pork, country pork doant seem to like they; +and if this be the success I'm to expect in this mighty great town in +search of the Grand Mart, I'll come no more, for I thinks as how its all a +flax; therefore I'll make myself contented to set at home in my own +chimney corner in the country, and sing +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Hey derry, ho derry, &c. +</div> +<p> +This song had attracted the attention of almost every one in the room; +there was a spirit and vivacity in the singer, combined with a power of +abruptly changing his voice, to give effect to the different passages, and +a knowledge of music as well as of character, which gave it an +irresistible charm; and the company, who had assembled round him, at the +close signified their approbation by a universal shout of applause. +</p> +<p> +All went on well—songs, toasts and sentiments—punch, puns and +witticisms, were handed about in abundance; in the mean time, the room +began to wear an appearance of thinness, many of the boxes were completely +deserted, and the Knights of the Bound Table were no longer surrounded by +their Esquires—still the joys of the bowl were exhilarating, and the +conversation agreeable, though at times a little more in a strain of +vociferation than had been manifested at the entrance of our party. It was +no time to ask questions as to the names and occupations of the persons by +whom he was surrounded; and Bob, plainly perceiving Frank Harry was +getting into Queer Street, very prudently declined all interrogatories for +the present, making, however, a determination within himself to know more +of the house and the company. +</p> +<p> +Mortimer also discovered symptoms of lush-logic, for though he had an +inclination to keep up the chaff, his dictionary appeared to be new +modelled, and his lingo abridged by repeated clips at his mother tongue, +by which he afforded considerable food for laughter. +</p> +<p> +Perceiving this, Tallyho thought it prudent to give his Cousin a hint, +which was immediately taken, and the party broke up.<span class="pagenum">[292]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0003"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XIX +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“O there are swilling wights in London town +Term'd jolly dogs—choice spirits—alias swine, +Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down, +Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine. + +These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus outrun, +Dosing with head-aches till the afternoon, +Lose half men's regular estate of Sun, +By borrowing too largely of the Moon: + +And being Bacchi plenus—full of wine— +Although they have a tolerable notion +Of aiming at progressive motion, +Tis not direct, 'tis rather serpentine.” + </div> +<p> +UPON leaving the house, it was quickly discovered that Mortimer was at sea +without a rudder or compass, but was still enabled to preserve the true +line of beauty, which is said to be in a flowing curve; Merry well was +magnanimous, Frank Harry moppy, and all of them rather muggy. Harry was +going Eastward, and the remainder of the party Westward; it was half-past +one in the morning—the weather had cleared up as their brains had +been getting foggy. +</p> +<p> +Tom proposed a rattler. +</p> +<p> +Frank Harry swore by the Bacchanalian divinity they might ride in the +rumble-tumble if they liked, but none of it for him, and began to stammer +out +</p> +<div class='pre'> +How sweet in—the—wood-lands +Wi—ith ii—eet hound—and horn— +To awaken—shrill—[hiccup)—echo, +And taste the—(hiccup)—fresh morn. +</div> +<p> +During this time, having turned to the right on leaving the Woolpack, +instead of the left, they were pursuing their way down Gracechurch Street, +in a line with London Bridge, without discovering their mistake; nor were +<span class="pagenum">[293]</span> they aware of the situation they were +in till they reached the Monument. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds!” said Tom, “we are all wrong here.” + </p> +<p> +“All right,” said Merrywell—“all right, my boys—go it, my +kidwhys.” + </p> +<p> +Bob hearing his Cousin's exclamation, began to make enquiries. +</p> +<p> +“Never mind,” said Tom, “we shall get housed presently—I have it—I +know the shop—it is but seldom I get out of the way, so come along—I +dare say we shall see some more fun yet.” + </p> +<p> +Saying this, he led the way down Thames street and in a short time +introduced them to the celebrated house in Dark-House Lane, kept open at +all hours of the night for the accommodation of persons coming to market, +and going off by the Gravesend boats and packets early in the morning. +</p> +<p> +On entering this house of nocturnal convenience, a wide field for +observation was immediately opened to the mind of Dashall: he was no +novice to the varieties of character generally to be found within its +walls; and he anticipated an opportunity of imparting considerable +information to his Cousin, though somewhat clogg'd by his companions; +being known however at the bar, he found no difficulty in providing them +with beds: which being accomplished, +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said Tom, “for a new scene in Real Life. Here we are situated at +Billingsgate, on the banks of the Thames; in another hour it will be all +alive—we will refresh ourselves with coffee, and then look around +us; but while it is preparing, we will take a survey of the interior—button +up—tie a silk handkerchief round your neck, and we may perhaps +escape suspicion of being mere lookers on; by which means we shall be +enabled to mingle with the customers in the tap-room, and no doubt you +will see some rum ones.” + </p> +<p> +They now entered the tap or general room, which exhibited an appearance +beyond the powers of description. +</p> +<p> +In one corner lay a Sailor fast asleep, having taken so much ballast on +board as to prevent the possibility of any longer attending to the log, +but with due precaution resting his head on a bundle which he intended to +take on board his ship with him in the morning, and apparently well +guarded by a female on each side; in another was a weather-beaten +Fisherman in a Guernsey frock and a thick <span class="pagenum">[294]</span> +woollen night-cap, who, having just arrived with a cargo of fish, was +toiling away time till the commencement of the market with a pipe and a +pint, by whose side was seated a large Newfoundland dog, whose gravity of +countenance formed an excellent contrast with that of a man who was +entertaining the Fisherman with a history of his adventures through the +day, and who in return was allowed to participate in the repeatedly filled +pint—a Waterman in his coat and badge ready for a customer—and +two women, each having a shallow basket for the purpose of supplying +themselves with fish at the first market for the next day's sale. +</p> +<p> +?Going to Gravesend, Gentlemen?' enquired the Waterman, as Tom and Bob +took their seats near him. +</p> +<p> +“No,” was the reply. +</p> +<p> +“Beg pardon, Sir; thought as how you was going down, and mought want a +boat, that's all; hope no offence.” + </p> +<p> +“I vas down at the Frying Pan in Brick Lane yesterday, (said the +communicative adventurer;) Snivelling Bill and Carrotty Poll was there in +rum order—you know Carrotty? Poll? so Poll, (Good health to you) you +knows how gallows lushy she gets—veil, as I vas saying, she had had +a good day vith her fish, and bang she comes back to Bill—you knows +she's rather nutty upon Bill, and according to my thinking they manages +things pretty veil together, only you see as how she is too many for him: +so, vhen she comes back, b———tme if Bill vasn't a +playing at skittles, and hadn't sold a dab all day; howsomdever he was a +vinning the lush, so you know Bill didn't care—but, my eyes! how she +did blow him up vhen she com'd in and see'd him just a going to bowl and +tip, she tipp'd him a vollopper right across the snout vhat made the +skittles dance again, and bang goes the bowl at her sconce instead of the +skittles: it vas lucky for her it did not hit her, for if it had, I'll be +d———d if ever she'd a cried Buy my live flounders any +more—he vas at play vith Sam Stripe the tailor; so the flea-catcher +he jumps in between 'em, and being a piece-botcher, he thought he could be +peace-maker, but it voudn't do, tho' he jump'd about like a parch'd pea in +a frying-pan—Poll called him Stitch louse, bid him pick up his +needles and be off—Bill vanted to get at Poll, Poll vanted to get at +Bill—and between them the poor Tailor got more stripes upon his +jacket than there is colours in a harlequin's breeches at Bartlemy Fair—Here's +good health to you—it was a <span class="pagenum">[295]</span> +bodkin to a but of brandy poor Snip didn't skip out of this here vorld +into that 'are?” + </p> +<p> +“And how did they settle it?” enquired the Fisherman. +</p> +<p> +?I'll tell you all about it: I never see'd such a b———dy +lark in all my life; poor Sam is at all times as thin as a thread-paper, +and being but the ninth part of a man, he stood no chance between a man +and a voman—Bill vas bleeding at the konk like a half-killed hog, +and Carrotty Moll, full of fire and fury, vas defending herself vith her +fish-basket—Billy vas a snivelling, Poll a stoearing, and the poor +Tailor in a funk—thinks I to myself, this here vont never do—so +up I goes to Poll—Poll, says I———' To the devil I +pitch you,' says she—only you know I knows Poll veil enough—she +tried to sneak it over me, but she found as how I know'd better—Poll, +says I, hold your luff—give us no more patter about this here rum +rig—I'll give cost price for the fish, and you shall have the money; +and while I was bargaining with her, d———n me if Bill +and the Tailor vasn't a milling avay in good style, till Stripe's wife +comes in, gives Snivelling Billy a cross-buttock and bolted off vith her +fancy, like as the song says, The devil took the tailor +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Vith the broad cloth under his arm.” + </div> +<p> +I never laugh'd so in all my life; I thought I should———' +</p> +<p> +At this moment a nod from the Landlord informed Tom his coffee was ready, +when they were ushered into the parlour. +</p> +<p> +Bob, who had during the conversation in the other room, (which had +occasionally been interrupted by the snores of the sleepy Sailor, the +giggling of the Girls who appeared to have him in charge, and a growl from +the dog,) been particularly attentive to the narration of this adventure, +remarked that there was a peculiarity of dialect introduced, which, to a +person coming out of the country, would have been wholly unintelligible. +</p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied Tom, “almost every trade and every calling of which the +numerous inhabitants of this overgrown town is composed, has a language of +its own, differing as widely from each other as those of provincials. Nor +is this less observable in high life, where every one seems at times to +aim at rendering himself conspicuous for some extraordinary mode of +expression. But come, I <span class="pagenum">[296]</span> perceive the +morning is shedding its rays upon us, and we shall be able to take a +survey of the more general visitors to this place of extensive utility and +resort—already you may hear the rumbling of carts in Thames Street, +and the shrill voice of the Fishwives, who are preparing for a day's work, +which they will nearly finish before two-thirds of the population leave +their pillows. This market, which is principally supplied by fishing +smacks and boats coming from the sea up the river Thames, and partly by +land carriage from every distance within the limits of England, and part +of Wales, is open every morning at day-light, and supplies the retailers +for some miles round the Metropolis. The regular shop-keepers come here in +carts, to purchase of what is called the Fish Salesman, who stands as it +were between the Fisherman who brings his cargo to market and the +Retailer; but there are innumerable hawkers of fish through the streets, +who come and purchase for themselves at first hand, particularly of +mackarel, herrings, sprats, lobsters, shrimps, flounders, soles, &c. +and also of cod and salmon when in season, and at a moderate rate, +composing an heterogeneous group of persons and characters, not easily to +be met with elsewhere.” “Then,” said Bob, “there is a certainty of high +and exalted entertainment;—I should suppose the supply of fish is +very considerable.” + </p> +<p> +“The quantity of fish consumed,” replied Tom, “in London is comparatively +small, fish being excessively dear in general: and this is perhaps the +most culpable defect in the supply of the capital, considering that the +rivers of Great Britain and the seas round her coast teem with that food.—There +are on an average about 2500 cargoes of fish, of 40 tons each, brought to +Billingsgate, and about 20,000 tons by land carriage, making a total of +about 120,000 tons; and the street venders form a sample of low life in +all its situations. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“————In such indexes, although small +To their subsequent volumes, there is seen +The baby figure of the giant mass +Of things to come at large.” + </div> +<p> +And the language you have already heard forms a part of what may be termed +Cockneyism.” + </p> +<p> +“Cockneyism,” said Bob, with an inquisitiveness in his countenance. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[297]</span> “Yes,” continued Tom, “Cockney is +universally known to be the contemptuous appellation given to an +uneducated native of London, brought into life within the sound of Bow +bell—pert and conceited, yet truly ignorant, they generally discover +themselves by their mode of speech, notwithstanding they have frequent +opportunities of hearing the best language; the cause, I apprehend, is a +carelessness of every thing but the accumulation of money, which is +considered so important with them—that they seem at all times to be +in eager pursuit of it. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“O Plutus, god of gold! thine aid impart, +Teach me to catch the money-catching art; +Or, sly Mercurius! pilfering god of old, +Thy lesser mysteries at least unfold.” + </div> +<p> +You will hear these gentry frequently deliver themselves in something like +the following manner: +</p> +<p> +“My eyes, Jim, vat slippy valking 'tis this here morning—I should +ave fell'd right down if so be as how I adn't cotch'd ould of a postis—vere +does you thinks I ave been? vy all the vay to Vapping Vail, an a top o +Tower Hill—I seed a voman pillar'd—such scrouging and +squeeging, and peltin vith heggs—ow funny! +</p> +<p> +“A female Fruit-seller will say to a Lady Oyster-dealer—Law, my dear +Mrs. Melton, how ar you this cowld morning, Mem.?—the streets vil be +nice and dirty—vel, for my part, I always likes dry vether—do +your usband vork at Foxall still?—I likes to warm my cowld nose vith +a pinch of your snuff—ow wery obliging—But come, I hear the +bustle of Billingsgate, and you shall have a peep at the people. By this +time they are all alive.” + </p> +<p> +Bob laughed at his Cousin's specimens of cockney language, and they +sallied forth, to make further observations. +</p> +<p> +It was now a fine morning, the Sun shone with resplendent lustre upon all +around them, and danced in playful dimples on the sportive Thames; there +was however but little opportunity at the moment for them to contemplate +subjects of this sort, their eyes and ears being wholly attracted by the +passing and repassing of the persons desirous to sell or supply themselves +with fish; Thames Street was almost blocked up with carts, and the +hallooing and bawling of the different drivers, loading or unloading, +formed an occasional symphony to the <span class="pagenum">[298]</span> +continual hum of those who were moving in all directions to and from the +market. +</p> +<p> +“By yer leaf” said a sturdy built fellow, sweating under a load of fish +which appeared to press him almost down—“what the devil do you stand +in the way for?” + </p> +<p> +Bob, in stepping on one side to make room for this man to pass, +unfortunately trod upon the toe of an Hibernian lady, who was bearing away +a large basket of shrimps alive, and at the same time gave her arm so +forcible a jerk with his elbow, as disengaged her hand from the load; by +which means the whole cargo was overturned smack into the bosom of a +smartly dressed youth in white ducks, who was conducting some Ladies on +board one of the Gravesend boats. The confusion that followed is scarcely +to be conceived—the agitation of Talt who at hearing the vociferated +lamentations of the Irish woman—the spluttering of the disconcerted +Dandy—the declaration of the owner of the shrimps, “that so help her +God he should pay for her property”—the loud laughter of those +around them, who appeared to enjoy the embarrassment of the whole party—and +the shrimps hopping and jumping about amid the dirt and slush of the +pavement, while the Ladies were hunting those which had fallen into the +bosom of their conductor—formed a scene altogether, which, in spite +of the confusion of his Cousin, almost convulsed the Hon. Tom Dashall with +laughter, and which served but to increase the rancour of the owner of the +shrimps, and the poor toe-suffering Irishwoman, the execrations of the +Dandy Gentleman and his Ladies, and the miseries of poor Bob; to escape +from which, he gave the Hibernian and her employer enough to purchase +plaster for the one, and a fresh cargo for the other, and seizing Tom by +the arm, dragged him away from the scene of his misfortunes in fishery. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2image-0002"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page298.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page298 Real Life at Billingsgate "><br> +</div> +<p> +Their progress however was presently impeded by a sudden scream, which +appeared to come from a female, and .drew together almost all the people +on the spot, it seemed as if it had been a preconcerted signal for a +general muster, and it was quickly ascertained that fisty-cuffs were the +order of the day, by the vociferations of the spectators, and the loud +acclamations of “Go it, Poll—pitch it into her—mill her +snitcher—veil done, Sail—all pluck—game to the back-bone—peppermint +her upper-story, and grapple her knowledge-box—D———n +my eyes, but that vas a good one, it <span class="pagenum">[299]</span> +has altered her weather-cock and shifted her wind—There's your +dairies—stand out of the way—Upon my sole you have overturned +all my flounders—D———n you and your dabbs too.” + </p> +<p> +Tom and Bob took up a favourable position for observation at the corner of +a fish-stall, where they could quietly witness the combatants, and take a +general survey of the proceedings. +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said Tom, “here is a lark for you, a female fight.” + </p> +<p> +“Fine salmon, or cod, Gentlemen,” said an elderly woman—“I wish I +could tempt you to be customers.” + </p> +<p> +“Well,” said Bob, “they are at it in good earnest.” + </p> +<p> +“O yes,” said the woman, “we always have it in real earnest, no sham—I +wish Poll may sarve her out, for Sall is a d———d saucy b———h +at all times.” + </p> +<p> +“And what have they quarrelled about?” inquired Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“Jealousy, Sir, nothing else; that there man in the night-cap, with the +red ruff round his neck, is Sail's fancy man, and he sometimes lets her +have a cargo of fish for services done and performed, you understand—and +so Sail she comes down this morning, and she finds Poll having a phililoo +with him, that's all; but I wish they would go and have it out somewhere +else, for it spoils all business—Nance, go and get us a quartern of +Jacky, that I may ax these Gentlemen to drink, for its a cold morning, and +perhaps they are not used to be up so early.” + </p> +<p> +Tom saw the drift of this in a moment, and taking the hint, supplied the +needful to Nance, who was dispatched for the heart-cheering beverage, +which they could perceive was in high reputation by those around them. The +effluvia of the fish, the fumes of tobacco, and the reviving scent of the +gin-bottle, rendered their olfactory salutations truly delightful. Nor +could they escape the Fish-wife without becoming participators in the half +pint of blue ruin. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom, “we will now stroll a little further, and take a survey +of the street; but first we will give a look here. +</p> +<p> +“This,” said he, “is the Custom House, a splendid building recently +erected, in consequence of the old one being demolished by fire in 1814.” + <span class="pagenum">[300]</span> “It is, indeed,” replied Bob, admiring +the south front, which is executed in Portland stone. +</p> +<p> +“Do you observe,” continued Tom, “the central compartment, which comprises +what is called the Long Room, and which we will visit presently, is quite +plain, except the attic, which is elegantly ornamented?—that +alto-relievo contains allegorical representations of the arts and +sciences, as connected with and promoting the commerce and industry of the +nation—that to the west, a representation of the costume and +character of the various nations with whom we hold intercourse in our +commercial relations—in the centre, under the large massive +dial-plate, are inscribed in large bronze letters the names of the +founders and the date of its erection—the figures which support the +dial in a recumbent position are emblematical of industry and plenty—that +bold projection in the centre, gives a suitable character to the King's +warehouse, and forms an appropriate support to the imperial arms upheld by +the attributes of Ocean and Commerce.” + </p> +<p> +Bob gazed with admiration and delight on this truly admirable and +extensive pile of national architecture; the gentle breeze from the river, +the occasional dash of the oar, and the activity which appeared on board +the different vessels; together with the view of London Bridge on one +side, over which he could perceive pedestrians and vehicles of various +kinds passing and repassing, and the Tower on the other, conspired to +heighten and give a most imposing effect to the scene. +</p> +<p> +“The designs,” said Tallyho, “are truly creditable to the taste and +science of the architect.” + </p> +<p> +“And this Quay in front, is intended to be enlarged by filling up a part +of the river; besides which, a new wall and quay are to be formed from the +Tower to Billingsgate, and numerous other improvements are projected in +the contiguous streets and lanes.” “Not before it is necessary,” was the +reply. “It would be impossible,” continued Dashall, “to visit all the +apartments this building contains; we will however have a look at the Long +Room, and as we proceed I will endeavour to give you some further +information. We are now entering the East wing, which is a counterpart of +that on the West, having like this a grand stair-case with a double flight +of steps, which conduct to a lobby at each end of the long room, lighted +by <span class="pagenum">[301]</span> these vertical lantern-lights, the +ceilings being perforated in square compartments, and glazed. These +lobbies serve to check the great draughts of air which would otherwise +flow through the room if it opened directly from the stair-case.” + </p> +<p> +They now entered the Long Room, the imposing appearance of which had its +due effect upon Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Bless me!” cried he in a state of ecstasy, “this is a room to boast of +indeed.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied his Cousin, “there is not such another room in Europe; it +is 190 feet long by 66 wide, and proportionably high, divided into three +compartments by these eight massive pillars, from which, as you perceive, +spring the three domes, which are so richly ornamented, and ventilated +through the centre of each.” + </p> +<p> +“And all of stone?” inquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Not exactly so,” was the reply; “the floor (excepting the situation of +the officers and clerks) is of stone, but the walls and ceilings are drawn +out and tinted in imitation.” + </p> +<p> +“And what are these antique pedestals for, merely ornaments?” + </p> +<p> +Tom was pleased at this inquiry, and with a smile of satisfaction replied—“No, +these pedestals do double duty, and are something like what the rural +poet, Goldsmith, describes in his <i>Deserted Village</i>— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The chest contriv'd a double debt to pay, +A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day.” + </div> +<p> +These are ornamental during the summer, but useful in the winter; they +contain fire-places completely hid from view.” + </p> +<p> +“Fire-places,” re-echoed Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Yes,” continued his Cousin; “the smoke, descending, passes through the +piers on each side, and by their means a sufficient warmth is at all times +kept up in the room.” + </p> +<p> +“That is a capital contrivance,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Then, to prevent the possibility of sustaining any serious injury from +fire, on the ground, one and two pair stories, the communication is cut +off by means of iron doors, which run on wheels in chase in the centre of +the walls, and are moved backward and forward by a windlass; which doors +are closed every evening, and would effectually prevent a communication +beyond their boundaries. Fire-proof rooms also, as repositories for +valuable books <span class="pagenum">[302]</span> and papers, are provided +on each floor, where the important documents of the establishment are +deposited every evening, and removed in trunks to the respective offices. +There are in all 121 rooms devoted to various offices. This however is the +principal: here the general business is transacted, particularly for all +foreign concerns, both inwards and outwards. The Ship Master first makes +the report of the cargo here; the entries of which, either for payment of +duties, warehousing, or subsequent exportation, are all passed with the +respective officers in this room. The business of the customs is managed +by nine Commissioners, whose jurisdiction extends over all parts of +England. We will now pass out at the west wing, adjourn to yon Tavern, +refresh and refit, and after which a further walk.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“What ho, Master B———,” said Dashall, saluting the +Landlord as he entered the Tavern—“How does the world wag with you?—send +us some soda water—the newspaper—let somebody clean our boots—give +us pen, ink and paper, and prepare us some breakfast with all speed, but +no fish, mind that.” + </p> +<p> +The Landlord bowed assent to his honourable customer; and by the time they +were ready, their orders were complied with. +</p> +<p> +“Pray,” inquired Dashall of the obliging Landlord, who came in to ask if +they were supplied with all they wished for, “did you ever recover any +thing from that dashing Blade that so obligingly ordered his dinner here?” + </p> +<p> +“Never got a halfpenny—no no, he was not one of those sort of gentry—nor +do I ever wish to see such again in my house.” + </p> +<p> +This was uttered in a tone of discontent, which evidently shewed he had no +relish for the conversation. +</p> +<p> +Dashall could not refrain from laughter; upon perceiving which, the +Landlord withdrew with a loud slam of the door, and left his customers to +enjoy their mirth. +</p> +<p> +“What are you laughing at?” cried Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Why,” continued his Cousin, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“There was, as fame reports, in days of yore, +At least some fifty years ago, or more, +A pleasant wight on town——” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[303]</span> And there are many pleasant fellows now +to be met with; but you shall have the tale as I had it: This house has +been celebrated for furnishing excellent dinners, and the cookery of fish +in particular; consequently it has been the resort of the Bucks, the +Bloods, and the dashing Swells of the town, and I myself have been well +entertained here. It will therefore not be wondered at that its +accommodations should attract the notice of a Sharper whose name and +character were well known, but who was in person a total stranger to the +unsuspecting Landlord, whom however he did not fail to visit. +</p> +<p> +Calling one afternoon for the purpose of seeing how the land lay, in high +twig, and fashionably dressed, he was supplied with a bottle of sherry, +and requested the landlord to take a part with him—praised the wine, +talked of the celebrity of his house for fish, and gave an order for a +dinner for sixteen friends during the following week. The bait was +swallowed, +</p> +<p> +“For a little flattery is sometimes well.” + </p> +<p> +?But are your wines of the first quality? (inquired the visitor;) for good +eating, you know, deserves good drinking, and without that we shall be +like fishes out of water.'—' Oh, Sir, no man in London can supply +you better than myself (was the reply;) but, if you please, you shall +select which you may like best, my stock is extensive and good.' He was +consequently invited into the cellar, and tasted from several binns, +particularly marking what he chose to conceive the best. Upon returning to +the parlour again—' Bless me, (cried he) I have had my pocket pick'd +this morning, and lost my handkerchief—can you oblige me with the +loan of one for present use? and I will send it back by one of my +servants.' +</p> +<p> +?Certainly, Sir,' was the reply; and the best pocket-handkerchief was +quickly produced, with another bottle of wine, the flavour of which he had +approved while below. He then wrote a letter, which he said must be +dispatched immediately by a Ticket-porter to Albemarle Street, where he +must wait for an answer. This being done, lie desired a coach to be called—asked +the Landlord if he had any silver he could accommodate him with, as he had +occasion to go a little further, but would soon return. This being +complied with, by the Landlord giving him twenty shillings with the +expectation of receiving a <span class="pagenum">[304]</span> pound note +in return, he threw himself into the coach, wished his accommodating Host +good afternoon, promised to return in less than an hour, but has never +shewn his face here since. Poor B———don't like to hear +the circumstance mentioned.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds!” said Tallyho, “somebody was green upon the occasion; I thought +people in London were more guarded, and not so easily to be done. And who +did he prove to be after all?” + </p> +<p> +“No other than the well-known Major Semple, whose depredations of this +sort upon the public rendered him so notorious.” + </p> +<p> +Having finished their repast, Tom was for a move; and they took their way +along Thames Street in the direction for Tower Hill. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0004"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XX +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“This life is all chequer'd with pleasures and woes +That chase one another like waves of the deep, +Each billow, as brightly or darkly it flows, +Reflecting our eyes as they sparkle or weep; +So closely our whims on our miseries tread, +That the laugh is awak'd ere the tear can be dried; +And as fast as the rain-drop of pity is shed, +The goose-plumage of folly can turn it aside; +But, pledge me the cup! if existence can cloy +With hearts ever light and heads ever wise, +Be ours the light grief that is sister to joy, +And the short brilliant folly that flashes and dies.” + </div> +<p> +“THE building before us,” said Tom, “is the Tower of London, which was +formerly a palace inhabited by the various Sovereigns of this country till +the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Fitzstephens says, it was originally built +by Julius Cæsar; but I believe there is no proof of the truth of this +assertion, except that one of the towers is to this day called Cæsar's +Tower.” + </p> +<p> +“It seems a place of great security,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Yes—William the Conqueror erected a fortress on part of its present +site, to overawe the inhabitants of London on his gaining possession of +the City, and about twelve years afterwards, in 1078, he erected a larger +building than the first, either on the site of the former or near it. This +building, repaired or rebuilt by succeeding Princes, is that which is now +called the White Tower.” + </p> +<p> +“It appears altogether to be a very extensive building,” said Tallyho; +“and what have we here? (turning his eyes to the left)—the modern +style of those form a curious contrast to that we are now viewing.” + </p> +<p> +“That is called Trinity Square, and the beautiful edifice in the centre is +the Trinity House; it is a new building, of stone, having the advantage of +rising ground for its site, and of a fine area in the front.” <span +class="pagenum">[306]</span> “The Trinity House,” reiterated Bob, “some +ecclesiastical establishment, I presume, from its title?” + </p> +<p> +“There you are wrong,” continued Dashall; “it is a Corporation, which was +founded in the year 1515 by Henry VIII. and consists of a Master, four +Wardens, eighteen Elder Brothers, in whom is vested the direction of the +Company, and an indefinite number of younger Brothers; for any sea-faring +man may be admitted into the Society by that name, but without any part of +the controul of its concerns. The elder Brethren are usually selected from +the most experienced commanders in the navy and the merchants' service, +with a few principal persons of his Majesty's Government.” + </p> +<p> +“But what, in the name of wonder,” inquired Bob, “have Sailors to do with +the Trinity?” + </p> +<p> +“As much as other persons,” was the reply; “if it is the anchor of hope, +as we are taught, they have as great a right to rely upon it as any body +else—besides, the names given to houses and places in London have +nothing to do with their occupations or situations, any more than the +common language of life has to do with nature; else why have we a Waterloo +House in the vicinity of St. Giles's for the sale of threads, laces, and +tapes—a Fleet for the confinement of prisoners, or the King's Bench +devoted to the same purposes, unless it is, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“That when we have no chairs at home, +The King (God bless him) grants us then a bench.” + </div> +<p> +Though London contains a round of delights and conveniences scarcely to be +equalled, it is at the same time a combination of incongruities as +difficult to be conceived. The denomination of this House has therefore +nothing to do with the business to which it is devoted. The body which +transacts its concerns is called The Master, Wardens and Assistants, of +the Guild, or Fraternity of the most glorious and undivided Trinity, and +of St. Clement, in the parish of Deptford, Stroud, in the county of Kent.” + </p> +<p> +“An admirable illustration of your assertion,” replied Bob; “and pray may +I be allowed, without appearing romantic or unnecessarily inquisitive, to +ask what are the objects of the Institution?” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly. The use of this Corporation is to superintend the general +interests of the British shipping, military and commercial. To this end, +the powers of the <span class="pagenum">[307]</span> Corporation are very +extensive; the principal of which are, to examine the children educated in +mathematics in Christ's Hospital—examine the masters of the King's +ships—appoint pilots for the Thames—erect light-houses and +sea-marks—grant licenses to poor seamen, not free of the City, to +row on the Thames—and superintend the deepening and cleansing of the +river; they have power to receive donations for charitable purposes, and +annually relieve great numbers of poor seamen and seamen's widows and +orphans; and as they alone supply outward-bound ships with ballast, on +notice of any shoal or obstruction arising in the river Thames, they +immediately direct their men and lighters to work on it till it is +removed. The profits arising to the Corporation by this useful regulation +is very considerable.” + </p> +<p> +During this conversation they had continued to walk towards the Trinity +House, and were now close to it. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” continued Dashall, “the interior is worth seeing: there are some +fine paintings in it, and the fitting up is altogether of an elegant +description.” + </p> +<p> +Upon making application at the door, and the customary payment of a +shilling each, they were admitted. The appearance of the Hall, which is +grand, though light and elegant, particularly attracted the attention of +Tallyho. The double stair-case, which leads to the court-room, was an +object of peculiar delight. The beautiful model of the Royal William in +the Secretary's Office was much admired; but the Court-room was abundant +in gratification. Here they were ushered into a spacious +apartment,*particularly elegant, being unincumbered; the ceiling finished +in a superior style, and decorated with paintings of the late King and +Queen—James the Second—Lord Sandwich—Lord Howe, and Mr. +Pitt. Here Bob wandered from portrait to portrait, examining the features +and character of each, and admiring the skill and ability of the artists. +At the upper end of the room he was additionally pleased to find a large +painting containing a group of about twenty-four of the elder Brethren, +representing them at full length, attended by their Secretary, the late +Mr. Court. Many of the persons being well remembered by Dashall, were +pointed out by him to his Cousin, and brought to his recollection names +deservedly celebrated, though now no more. This picture was the gift of +the Merchant Brethren in 1794. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho was much delighted with his survey of this truly elegant building, +and the luminous account given by <span class="pagenum">[308]</span> his +Cousin of the various persons whose portraits met his eye, or whose names +and characters, connected with the establishment, had become celebrated +for scientific research or indefatigable industry. +</p> +<p> +“It will occupy too much time this morning,” said Dashall, “to visit the +interior of the Tower, as I have dispatched a Ticket-porter to Piccadilly, +ordering my curricle to be at Tom's Coffee-house at one; we will therefore +defer that pleasure to the next opportunity of being this way. We will +however take a look at the Bank and the Exchange, then a trundle into the +fresh air for an hour, and return home to dinner; so come along, but we +will vary our walk by taking another road back.” + </p> +<p> +With this intention, they now crossed Tower Hill, and turned to the left, +along the Minories. +</p> +<p> +“Here is a place,” said Dashall, “well known, and no doubt you have often +heard of—Sparrow Corner and Rosemary Lane are better known by the +appellation of Rag Fair. It is a general mart for the sale of second-hand +clothes, and many a well-looking man in London is indebted to his +occasional rambles in this quarter for his appearance. The business of +this place is conducted with great regularity, and the dealers and +collectors of old clothes meet at a certain hour of the afternoon to make +sales and exchanges, so that it is managed almost upon the same plan as +the Royal Exchange, only that the dealers here come loaded with their +goods, which must undergo inspection before sales can be effected: while +the Merchant carries with him merely a sample, or directs his Purchaser to +the warehouse where his cargo is deposited. The principal inhabitants of +this place are Jews, and they obtain supplies from the numerous itinerant +collectors from all quarters of London and its suburbs, whom you must have +observed parading the streets from the earliest hour of the morning, +crying <i>Ould clothes—Clothes sale</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“It surely can hardly be a trade worth following,” said Talltho. +</p> +<p> +“There are many hundreds daily wandering the streets, however,” replied +Tom, “in pursuit of cast-off apparel, rags, and metals of different sorts, +or at least pretend so. The Jews are altogether a set of traders. I do not +mean to confine my observations to them only, because there are persons of +other sects employed in the same kind of business; and perhaps a more +dangerous set of cheats could <span class="pagenum">[309]</span> scarcely +be pointed at, as their chief business really is to prowl about the houses +and stables of people of rank and fortune, in order to hold out +temptations to their servants, to pilfer and steal small articles not +likely to be missed, which these fellows are willing to purchase at about +one-third of their real value. It is supposed that upwards of 15,000 of +these depraved itinerants among the Jews are daily employed in journeys of +this kind; by which means, through the medium of base money and other +fraudulent dealings, many of them acquire property with which they open +shops, and then become receivers of stolen property; the losses thus +sustained by the public being almost incalculable— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“For wid coot gould rings of copper gilt—'tis so he gets his +bread, +Wit his sealing-vax of brick-dust, and his pencils without lead.” + </div> +<p> +It is estimated that there are from fifteen to twenty thousand Jews in the +Metropolis, and about five or six thousand more stationed in the great +provincial and seaport towns. In London they have six Synagogues, and in +the country places there are at least twenty more. Most of the lower +classes of those distinguished by name of German or Dutch Jews, live +principally by their wits, and establish a system of mischievous +intercourse all over the country, the better to enable them to carry on +then-fraudulent designs in every way. The pliability of their consciences +is truly wonderful— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“For they never stick at trifles, if there's monies in the way.” + </div> +<p> +Nay, I remember the time when they used to perambulate our streets openly, +professing to purchase base coin, by bawling—“Any bad shilling, any +bad shilling.” The interference of the Police however has prevented the +calling, though perhaps it is impossible to prevent a continuance of the +practice any more than they can that of utterance. These men hesitate not +to purchase stolen property, or metals of various kinds, as well as other +articles pilfered from the Dock-yards, and stolen in the provincial towns, +which are brought to the Metropolis to elude detection, and vice versa; in +some cases there are contrivances that the buyer and seller shall not even +see each other, in order that no advantage may be taken by giving +information as to the parties.” <span class="pagenum">[310]</span> “Upon +my life, the contrivances of London are almost incomprehensible,” said +Bob, “and might deter many from venturing into it; but this surprises me +beyond any thing.” + </p> +<p> +“It is however too lamentably true,” continued Tom; “for these people, +educated in idleness from the earliest infancy, acquire every debauched +and vicious principle which can fit them for the most complicated arts of +fraud and deception, to which they seldom fail to add the crime of +perjury, whenever it can be useful to shield themselves or their friends +from the punishment of the law. Totally without moral education, and very +seldom trained to any trade or occupation by which they can earn an honest +livelihood by manual labour—their youths excluded from becoming +apprentices, and their females from engaging themselves generally as +servants, on account of the superstitious adherence to the mere ceremonial +of their persuasion, as it respects meat not killed by Jews—nothing +can exceed their melancholy condition, both as it regards themselves and +society. Thus excluded from the resources which other classes of the +community possess, they seem to have no alternative but to resort to those +tricks and devices which ingenuity suggests, to enable persons without an +honest means of subsistence to live in idleness. +</p> +<p> +“The richer Jews are in the practice of lending small sums to the poorer +classes of their community, in order that they may support themselves by a +species of petty traffic; but even this system contributes in no small +degree to the commission of crimes, since, in order to render it +productive to an extent equal to the wants of families who do not acquire +any material aid by manual labour, they are induced to resort to unlawful +means of increasing it, by which they become public nuisances. From the +orange-boy and the retailer of seals, razors, glass and other wares, in +the public streets, or the collector of +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Old rags, old jags, old bonnets, old bags,” + </div> +<p> +to the shop-keeper, dealer in wearing apparel, or in silver and gold, the +same principles of conduct too generally prevail. +</p> +<p> +“The itinerants utter base money, to enable them by selling cheap, to +dispose of their goods; while those who are stationary, with very few +exceptions, receive and purchase at an under price whatever is brought +them, <span class="pagenum">[311]</span> without asking questions; and yet +most of their concerns are managed with so much art, that we seldom hear +of a Jew being hanged; and it is also a fact, that during the holidays (of +which they have many in the course of a year,) or at one of their +weddings, you may see the barrow-woman of yesterday decked out in gay and +gaudy attire of an expensive nature.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had reached the top of the minories, and were turning +down Houndsditch. “We are now,” said Dashall, “close to another place +chiefly inhabited by Jews, called Duke's Place, where they have a very +elegant Synagogue, which has been visited by Royalty, the present King +having, during his Regency, honoured them with a visit, through the +introduction of the late Mr. Goldsmid. If it should be a holiday, we will +be present at the religious ceremonies of the morning.” With this they +entered Duke's Place, and were soon within the walls of this Temple of +Judaism. In taking a view of it, Bob was much gratified with its splendid +decorations, and without being acquainted with their forms, had <i>doffd +his castor</i>,{1} but was presently informed by his Cousin that he must +keep his hat on. The readers appeared to him to be singers; but the whole +of the service being Hebrew, it was of little consequence to him, whether +read or sung. He perceived, during the performances of these prayers, +which were every now and then joined in by almost every one present, that +many of the congregation appeared to be in close conversation, which, +however, was taken no notice of by the persons officiating. He was well +pleased with the singing of a youth and the accompaniment of a gentleman +in a cock'd hat; for although he could not discover that he actually +produced words, he produced sounds in many instances bearing a strong +similarity to those of a bassoon. The venerable appearance and devotion of +the High Priest, who was habited in a robe of white, also attracted his +attention; while the frequent bursts of the congregation, joining in the +exercises of the morning, in some instances almost provoked his +risibility. +</p> +<p> +“The religious ceremonies of these people,” said Tom, as they left the +synagogue, “though somewhat imposing as to form and appearance, do not +seem to be strongly interesting, for many of them are engaged during the +whole of the service in some species of traffic; buying and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Doff'd his castor—Taken off his hat. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[312]</span> selling, or estimating the value of +goods for sale. They are such determined merchants and dealers, that they +cannot forget business even in the house of prayer. We have two sets of +them. This is the Dutch Synagogue; but the most ancient is that of the +Portuguese, having been established in England ever since the Usurpation. +The members of it being mostly wealthy, are extremely attentive to their +poor, among whom there is said not to be a single beggar or itinerant; +while the Dutch or German. Jews get no education at all: even the most +affluent of them are said to be generally unable either to read or write +the language of the country that gave them birth. They confine themselves +to a bastard or vulgar Hebrew, which has little analogy to the original. +They observe the particular ritual of the German Synagogue, and also +include the Polish, Russian, and Turkish Jews established in London. With +the exception of a few wealthy individuals, and as many families who are +in trade on the Royal Exchange, they are in general a very indigent class +of people. Their community being too poor to afford them adequate relief, +they have resorted to the expedient of lending them small sums of money at +interest, to trade upon, which is required to be repaid monthly or weekly, +as the case may be, otherwise they forfeit all claim to this aid. +</p> +<p> +“The Portuguese Jews are generally opulent and respectable, and hold no +community with the others. They use a different liturgy, and their +language is even different. They never intermarry with the Jews of the +Dutch Synagogue. They pride themselves on their ancestry, and give their +children the best education which can be obtained where they reside. The +Brokers upon the Exchange, of the Jewish persuasion, are all or chiefly of +the Portuguese Synagogue. Their number is limited to twelve by Act of +Parliament, and they pay 1000 guineas each for this privilege.” + </p> +<p> +They had now reached the end of Houndsditch, when, passing through +Bishopsgate Church Yard and Broad Street, they were soon at the Bank. +</p> +<p> +“This building,” said Dashall, “covers an extent of several acres of +ground, and is completely isolated.” + </p> +<p> +“Its exterior,” replied Bob, “is not unsuited to the nature of the +establishment, as it certainly conveys an idea of strength and security.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[315]</span> “That's true,” continued Tom; “but you +may observe a want of uniformity of design and proportion, arising from +its having been erected piece-meal, at different periods, and according to +different plans, by several architects. This is the principal entrance; +and opposite to it is the shortest street in the Metropolis, called Bank +Street; it contains but one house. Now we will take a survey of the +interior.” + </p> +<p> +They entered the Hall, where Tallyho was much pleased to be instructed as +to the methodical way they have of examining notes for a re-issuing or +exchanging into coin. +</p> +<p> +“Here,” said Dashall, “are the Drawing-offices for public and private +accounts. This room is seventy-nine feet long by forty; and, at the +further end, you observe a very fine piece of sculpture: that is a marble +Statue of King William III. the founder of the Bank. Thi national +establishment was first incorporated by act of Parliament in 1694. The +projector of the scheme was a Mr. James Paterson, a native of Scotland; +and the direction of its concerns is vested in a Governor, +Deputy-Governor, and twenty-four Directors, elected annually at a general +Court of the Proprietors. Thirteen of the Directors, with the Governor, +form a Court for the transaction of business. The Bank is open every day +from nine in the morning till five in the afternoon, holidays excepted. It +is like a little town. The Clerks at present are about 1000 in number, but +a reduction is intended. The Rotunda is the most interesting apartment—we +will go and have a look at the Money-dealers. +</p> +<p> +“Here,” continued he, as they entered the Rotunda, and mingled among the +various persons and sounds that are so well known in that seat of traffic, +“from the hours of eleven to three a crowd of eager Money-dealers +assemble, and avidity of gain displays itself in ever-varying shapes, at +times truly ludicrous to the disinterested observer. You will presently +perceive that the justling and crowding of the Jobbers to catch a bargain, +frequently exceed in disorder the scrambling at the doors of our theatres +for an early admission: and sa loud and clamorous at times are the mingled +noises of the buyers and sellers, that all distinction of sound is lost in +a general uproar.” + </p> +<p> +Of this description, Tallyho had an absolute proof in <span class="pagenum">[314]</span> +a few minutes, for the mingling variety of voices appeared to leave no +space in time for distinguishing either the sense or the sound of the +individual speakers; though it was evident that, notwithstanding the +continual hubbub, there was a perfect understanding effected between +parties for the sale and transfer of Stock, according to the stipulations +bargained for. +</p> +<p> +“Ha, Mr. M———,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “how do you +do?” + </p> +<p> +“Happy to say well, Sir, thank you,” was the reply. “Any commands?—markets +are pretty brisk this morning, and we are all alive.” + </p> +<p> +“Pray,” said Tallyho, “who is that extraordinary looking Lady with such +red lips and cheeks, beneath the garb of sadness?” + </p> +<p> +“A constant visitor here,” replied Mr. M. “I may say a day scarcely passes +without her being present.” + </p> +<p> +“She has a curious appearance,” said Bob; “her dress is all black from +head to foot, and yet her cheeks disclose the ruddy glow of uninterrupted +health. Is it that her looks belie her garb, or that her garb belies her +looks?” + </p> +<p> +“Hush,” said Mr. M. “let her pass, and I will give you some information +relative to her, which, if it does not gratify you, will at least satisfy +some of your inquiries. I am half inclined to believe that all is not +right in the seat of government with her, (pointing his finger to his +head;) and she is therefore rather deserving of pity than an object of +censure or ridicule; though I have reason to believe she frequently meets +with attacks of the latter, when in search of the sympathy and benefit to +be derived from a proper exercise of the former. Her name is Miss W———. +Her father was formerly a two-penny postman, who resided at Rockingham +Row, Walworth, and was himself somewhat eccentric in his dress and +manners, and it was not at all unusual to meet him in the morning in the +garb of his office, though decidedly against his inclination, and to see +him on 'Change during 'Change hours, in silk stockings, and in every other +way dressed as a Merchant, attending there according to custom and +practice; and he managed, by some means or other, to keep up a character +of respectability, and to give an accomplished education to the younger +branches of this family; so that this lady, though unfortunate in her +present circumstances, has been well brought up, and <span class="pagenum">[315]</span> +mingled in polished society; and, if you were to enter into conversation +with her now, you would find her intelligent in the selection of her words +and the combination of sentences, to explain to you the most improbable +events, and the most unheard of claims that she has upon all the +Governments in the known world. This, however, would be done with good +temper, unless any thing like an insulting observation should be +conceived, or intended to be conveyed.” + </p> +<p> +“And, pray, what is supposed to be the cause of her present manners and +appearance?” inquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“It is principally attributed,” replied Mr M. “to the circumstance of +losing a beloved brother, who she now continually declares is only kept +from her by the persons who daily visit the Rotunda, with a view to +prevent the recovery of the property she lays claim to, and the +particulars of which she generally carries in her pocket. That brother +however suffered the penalty of the law for a forgery;{1} but this she +cannot be induced to believe. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The lamentable effusion of blood which has taken place +within the last twenty years, in consequence of forgeries on +the Bank of England, has already excited a very considerable +portion of public interest and indignation; and it is much +to be feared that notwithstanding the very serious expence +the Corporation have incurred, with a view to remedy the +evil, by rendering the imitation more difficult, the +anticipated result is not likely to be obtained. It will +hardly be conceived that the Governors have expended as much +as one hundred thousand pounds in this laudable undertaking, +and, upon producing an impression, we are told it can be +imitated by one, who, within three weeks produced a fac- +simile, and puzzled the makers of the original note to +discover which was the work-manship of their own hands. Nay, +even an engraver on wood is said to have produced an +excellent imitation in a few hours. It is however sincerely +to be hoped that an effectual stop will be eventually put to +the possibility of committing this crime, which, we +apprehend, nine times out of ten brings the poor, needy, +half-starved retailer of paper to the gallows, while the +more un-principled wholesale dealer escapes detection. + +While on the subject of forged notes, we cannot help +deprecating the circulation of what are termed <i>flash +notes</i>, which, if not originally intended to deceive and +defraud, are calculated to accomplish these objects, when in +the hands of the artful and designing. We think there is a +tradesman in the vicinity of the Bank who presents such of +his customers as visits his repository to have their hair +cut, &c. with a Hash note, purporting to be for 501.; and we +have also reason to believe that more than one attempt has +been detected, where the parties have really endeavoured to +pass them as valid Bank of England paper. The danger +therefore must be evident. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[316]</span> We have reason to think she is +frequently much straitened for want of the necessary supplies for +sustenance, and she has temporary relief occasionally from those who knew +her family and her former circumstances in life, while she boldly +perseveres in the pursuit of fancied property, and the restoration of her +brother. +</p> +<p> +“I have heard her make heavy complaints of the difficulties she has had to +encounter, and the privations she has been subjected to; but her own +language will best speak the impressions on her mind. Here is a printed +letter which was circulated by her some time ago:— +</p> +<p> +To the worthy Inhabitants of the Parish of St. Mary, Newington, Surrey. +</p> +<p> +It is with feelings of deep regret I have to deplore the necessity that +compels me to adopt a public measure, for the purpose of obtaining my +property from those gentlemen that hold it in trust. For a period of ten +years I have endured the most cruel and unjustifiable persecution, which +has occasioned the premature death of my mother; a considerable loss of +property; all my personal effects of apparel and valuables; has exposed me +to the most wanton and barbarous attacks, the greatest insults, and the +severe and continual deprivation of every common necessary. Having made +every appeal for my right, or even a maintenance, without effect, I now +take the liberty of adopting the advice of some opulent friends in the +parish, and solicit general favour in a loan by subscription for a given +time, not doubting the liberal commiseration of many ladies and gentlemen, +towards so great a sufferer. As it is not possible to describe the wrongs +I have endured, the misery that has been heaped upon me, in so limited a +space, I shall be happy to give every explanation upon calling for the +result of this entreaty and to those ladies and gentlemen that condescend +to favour +</p> +<p> +S. WHITEHEAD +</p> +<p> +With their presence, at +</p> +<p> +The White Hart Inn, Borough. +</p> +<p> +Besides Bills to an immense amount, accepted by the Dey of Algiers, and +payable by his Grand Plenipotentiary. +</p> +<p> +Various sums in the English and Irish Funds, in the names of various +Trustees: in the 3 per cent. Consols—3 per cent. 1726—3 per +cent. South Sea Annuities—3 per cent. Old South Sea Annuities—4 +per cent. 3 per cent. 5 per cent. Long Annuities. +</p> +<p> +Besides various Freehold, Copyhold, and Leasehold Estates, Reversions and +Annuities, of incalculable value. +</p> +<p> +One of the Freehold Estates is that known by the name of Ireland's Row, +and the Brewhouse adjacent, Mile End; the Muswell Hill Estate; a large +House in Russell Square, tenanted at present by Mr. B——-dd!!! +</p> +<p> +“For the truth of this statement, or the real existence of any property +belonging to her, I am not able to vouch. She is well known in all the +offices of this great Establishment, is generally peaceable in her +conduct, and communicative in her conversation, which at times +distinguishes her as a person of good education.” + </p> +<p> +“Hard is the fortune which your Sex attends, Women, like princes, find few +real friends; All who approach them their own ends pursue, Lovers and +ministers are seldom true. Hence oft from reason heedless beauty strays, +And the most trusted guide the most betrays.” + </p> +<p> +The conversation was here interrupted by the arrival of a Gentleman, who, +taking Mr. M. on one side, Tom and Bob wished him a good morning. They +proceeded to <span class="pagenum">[318]</span> view the various offices +which branch out from the Rotunda, and which are appropriated to the +management of each particular stock, in each of which Bob could not help +admiring the happy disposition of every department to facilitate business. +The arrangement of the books, and the clerks, under the several letters of +the alphabet, he conceived was truly excellent. +</p> +<p> +“The Corporation of the Bank,” said Dashall, “are prohibited from trading +in any sort of goods or merchandize whatsoever; but are to confine the use +of their capital to discounting Bills of Exchange, and to the buying and +selling of gold and silver bullion; with a permission however to sell such +goods as are mortgaged or pawned to them and not redeemed within three +months after the expiration of the time for their redemption. Their +profits arise from their traffic in bullion; the discounting of Bills of +Exchange for Bankers, Merchants, Factors, and Speculators; and the +remuneration they receive from Government, for managing the public funds, +and for receiving the subscriptions on loans and lotteries. But we may +ramble about in these places for a month, and still have novelty in store; +and there is a little world underneath the greater part of this extensive +building devoted to printing-offices, ware-rooms, &c.” + </p> +<p> +They had now reached the door which leads into Bartholomew Lane, and, upon +descending the steps, and turning to the left, Bob's eyes soon discovered +the Auction Mart, “What have we here?” inquired he. +</p> +<p> +“That,” replied his Cousin, “is a building which may deservedly be rank'd +as one of the ornaments of the City; and its arrangements and economy, as +well as the beauty of its interior, are well deserving the notice of every +stranger. This fine establishment, which serves as a focus for the sale of +estates and other property by public auction, is both useful and +ornamental; it was built about the time when the spirit of combination was +so strong in London. You must know, some years back, every kind of +business and trade appeared likely to be carried on by Joint Stock +Companies, and the profits divided upon small shares. Many Fire-offices +have to date their origin from this source—the Hope, the Eagle, the +Atlas, and others. The Golden Lane Brewery was opened upon this principle; +some Water Companies were established; till neighbourhood <span +class="pagenum">[319]</span> and partnership almost became synonimous; +and, I believe, among many other institutions of that kind, the Building +before us is one. It contains many handsome rooms and commodious offices; +but, as for offices, every street and every alley abounds with them, and, +now-a-days, if you want to hire a Cook or a Scullion, you have nothing to +do but to send a letter to a Register-office, and you are suited in a +twinkling. It was an excellent idea, and I remember the old Buck who used +to call himself the founder of establishments of that nature, or rather +the first introducer of them to the notice of Englishmen, poor old +Courtois.” + </p> +<p> +John Courtois is said to have been a native of Picardy, where he was born +about the year 1737 or 1738. He repaired to this country while yet young, +in the character of <i>valet de chambre</i> to a gentleman who had picked +him up in his travels; and, as he came from one of the poorest of the +French provinces, he “took root,” and throve wonderfully on his +transplantation to a richer soil. +</p> +<p> +On the death of his master, he removed to the neighbourhood of the Strand; +and St. Martin's Street,. Leicester Square, became the scene of his +industry and success. At a time when wigs were worn by boys, and a +Frenchman was supposed the only person capable of making one fit “for the +grande monarque,” he commenced business as a perruquier, and soon acquired +both wealth and celebrity. To this he joined another employment, which +proved equally lucrative and appropriate, as it subjected both masters and +servants to his influence. This was the keeping of a register-office, one +of the first known in the Metropolis, whence he drew incalculable +advantages. He is also said to have been a dealer in hair, which he +imported largely from the continent. And yet,, after all, it is difficult +to conceive how he could have realized a fortune exceeding 200,000L.! But +what may not be achieved by a man who despised no gains, however small, +and in his own expressive language, considered farthings as “the seeds of +guineas!” + </p> +<p> +The following appears to be a true description of this very extraordinary +man, whom we ourselves have seen more than once:—“Old Courtois was +well known for more than half a century in the purlieus of St. Martin's +and the Haymarket. His appearance was meagre and squalid, and his clothes, +such as they were, were <span class="pagenum">[320]</span> pertinaciously +got up in exactly the same cut and fashion, and the colour always either +fawn or marone. For the last thirty years, the venerable chapeau was +uniformly of the same cock. The principal feat, however, in which this +fervent votary of Plutus appeared before the public, was his nearly fatal +affair with Mary Benson, otherwise Mrs. Maria Theresa Phepoe. In April +1795, this ill-fated-woman projected a rather bungling scheme, in order to +frighten her old acquaintance and visitor, Courtois, out of a considerable +sum of money. One evening, when she was certain of his calling, she had +her apartment prepared for his reception in a species of funereal style—a +bier, a black velvet pall, black wax candles lighted, &c. No sooner +had the friend entered the room, than the lady, assisted by her maid, +pounced on him, forced him into an arm chair, in which he was forcibly +held down by the woman, while the hostess, brandishing a case-knife or +razor, swore with some violent imprecations, that instant should be his +last, if he did not give her an order on his “banker for a large sum of +money. The venerable visitor, alarmed at the gloomy preparations and dire +threats of the desperate female, asked for pen, ink, and paper; which +being immediately produced, he wrote a check on his banker for two +thousand pounds. He immediately retired with precipitation, happy to +escape without personal injury. The next morning, before its opening, he +attended at the Banker's, with some Police-officers; and on Mrs. Phepoe's +making her appearance with the check, she was arrested, and subsequently +tried at the Old Bailey, on a capital charge, grounded on the above +proceedings. However, through the able defence made by her counsel (the +late Mr. Fielding) who took a legal objection to the case as proved, and +contended that she never had or obtained any property of Mr. Courtois, on +the principle that possession constituted the first badge of ownership, +she was only sentenced to twelve months' imprisonment.” + </p> +<p> +“Some years since, the late Lord Gage met Courtois, at the court-room of +the East India House, on an election business. “Ah, Courtois!” said his +Lordship, “what brings you here?”—'To give my votes, my Lord,' was +the answer.—“What! are you a proprietor?—'Most certainly.'—“And +of more votes than one?”—'Yes, my <span class="pagenum">[321]</span> +Lord, I have four!'—“Aye, indeed! why then, before you take the +book, pray be kind enough to pin up my curls!” With which modest request +the proprietor of four votes, equal to ten thousand pounds, immediately +complied! +</p> +<p> +“M. Courtois married a few years since, and has left several children. On +reflecting that his widow's thirds would amount to an immense sum, with +his usual prudence he made a handsome settlement on her during his +lifetime. As his sons were not of very economical habits, he has +bequeathed them small annuities only; and vested the bulk of his fortune +in trustees on behalf of his daughters, who are infants. +</p> +<p> +“Until his death, he invariably adhered to the costume of the age in which +he was born. A three-cocked hat, and a plum-coloured coat, both rather the +worse for wear, in which we have seen him frequently, invariably +designated his person and habits; while a penurious economy, that bid +defiance to all vulgar imitation, accompanied him to his grave. His death +occurred in 1819, in the 80th or 81st year of his age.” + </p> +<p> +“Such characters,” observed Tallyho, “notwithstanding their eccentricity, +afford useful lessons to those who, in this giddy and dissipated age, +devote a part of their time to thinking.” + </p> +<p> +“No doubt of it,” replied Dashall; “they furnish examples of what may be +done by perseverance and determination, and almost seem to verify the +assertion, that every one may become rich if he pleases. But come, we must +move towards Tom's Coffee House, in our way to which we will pass through +the Royal Exchange, which lies directly before us. It was originally a +brick building, erected by Sir Thomas Gresham in the year 1567, but being +destroyed by the fire of London in 1666, the present building of Portland +stone was raised in its place, the first stone of which was laid by +Charles II. in 1667; in consequence of which his statue has been placed in +the centre of its quadrangle, around which the Merchants assemble daily to +transact their commercial business.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The merry Monarch was fond of the Citizens, and frequently +honoured the Lord Mayor's table with his presence. It is +said of him, that, on retiring to his carriage one day after +dining with the civic Sovereign, he was followed by the +latter, who, with a freedom inspired by the roseate Deity, +laid hold of His Majesty by the arm, and insisted that he +should not go until he had drunk t'other bottle. The Monarch +turned round, and good-humouredly repeating a line from an +old song—“The man that is drunk is as great as a king,” + went back to the company, and doubtless complied with the +Lord Mayor's request. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[322]</span> “It has two principal fronts, one in +Cornhill, and the other, which you now see, is at the end of Threadneedle +Street; each of which has a piazza, affording a convenient shelter from +the sun and rain. It is open as a thoroughfare from eight in the morning +till six in the evening; but the hours in which business is chiefly +transacted, are from two to five. Its extent is 203 feet by 171.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had passed the gate, and Bob found himself in a handsome +area with a fine piazza carried entirely round, and furnished with seats +along the four walks, for Merchants of different nations, who meet, each +at their different stations, and was immediately attracted by the +appearance of the numerous specimens of art with which it was adorned. +</p> +<p> +“Do you observe,” said his Cousin, “within these piazzas are twenty-eight +niches; all vacant but that in which is placed a statue of Sir Thomas +Gresham, in the north-west angle; and that in the south-west, which +presents a statue of Sir John Barnard, Magistrate of the City, and one of +its Representatives in Parliament. Those smaller statues in the niches of +the wall of the Quadrangle, in the upper story, are the Kings and Queens +of England, beginning with Edward I. on the North side, and ending with +his late Majesty on the East. As far as Charles I. they were executed by +Gabriel Cibber. The various frames which are placed around under the +piazza, contain the names, residences and occupations of Tradesmen, +Mechanics and others. The grand front in Cornhill has been under repair +lately, and in its appearance, no doubt, is greatly improved. The steeple +which is just raised, is a handsome dome, surmounted by the original +grasshopper, rendered somewhat celebrated by a prophecy, that certain +alterations would take place in men, manners, and times, when the +grasshopper on the top of the Exchange should meet the dragon at the top +of Bow Church; and strange and extraordinary as it may appear, this very +circumstance is said to have taken place, as they have both been seen in +the warehouse of some manufacturer, to whom <span class="pagenum">[323]</span> +they were consigned for repair; in addition to which, if Crockery's{1} +relation of the transmogrifications of England is to be believed, the +prophecy is in a considerable degree a whimsical and laughable Burletta, +in one act, has recently been produced at the Royal Coburg Theatre, in +which Mr. Sloman sings, with admirable comicality, the following Song, +alluded to by the Hon. Tom Dashall, to the tune of O, The Roast Beef of +Old England. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“From Hingy I came with my Master, O dear, +But Lunnun is not like the same place, that's clear; +It has nigh broke my heart since I have been here! +O, the old times of Old England, +O dear, the good English old times. + +The town is so changed, that I don't know a spot; +The times are so hard, there's no vork to be got; +And for porter they charges you tip-pence a pot! +O, the old times, &c. + +Then the sides of the houses are stuck full of bills +About Blacking, Mock-Auctions, and vonderful Fills; +But for von vot they cures, a hundred they kills! +O, the old times, &c. + +There's the names are all halter'd verewer I goes, +And the people all laughs at the cut of my close; +The men are turn'd vomen, the belles are turn'd beaux! +O, the old times, &c. + +Ven I vent out to Hingy, if any von died, +A good vooden coffin they used to prowide, +But hiron vons now keeps the poor vorms houtside! +O, the old times, &c. + +There's the Lancaster schools now all over the land, +Vot teaches the children to scribble on sand— +And a hugly Bonassus vot lives in the Strand! +O, the new times, &c. + +There's a new Life-preserver, vith vich you cant drown; +And a new kind of Sov'reigns just com'd into town, +Von is vorth a pound note, and the other a crown! +O, the new times, &c. + +The Play-bills have hard vords, vot I cannot speak; +And the horgans plays nothing but Latin and Greek; +And it's rain'd every day now for more than a veek! +O, the new times, &c. + +There's a man valks on vater and don't vet his feet; +And a patent steam-kitchen, vot cooks all your meat; +And Epp's ham and beef shop in every street! +O, the new times, &c. + +I valks up and down vith the tears in my hye; +Vot they vonce call'd a vaggon is now call'd a fly; +And the boys points their fingers, and calls I—a"Guy! +O, the old times of Old England, +O dear, the good English old times.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[324]</span>There is a stair-case in each front, and +one on each side, which lead to a gallery above, running round the whole +building, containing the offices of various establishments; but I believe, +in the original plan, shops were intended to fill the building to the top. +At present, the upper rooms are occupied by Lloyd's celebrated +Subscription Coffee-house, for the use of Under-writers and Merchants—by +the Royal Exchange Insurance Company, and various offices of individuals. +There are also the Gresham Lecture—Rooms, where lectures are read +pursuant to the will of the late Sir Thomas Gresham, who bequeathed to the +City of London and the Mercers' Company, all the profits arising from +these and other premises in Cornhill, in trust to pay salaries to four +lecturers in divinity, astronomy, music, and geometry; and three readers +in civil law, physic, and rhetoric, who read lectures daily in term time. +</p> +<p> +“This we may consider the grand mart of the universe! where congregate +those sons of Commerce the British Merchants, who, in dauntless extent of +enterprise, hold such distinguished pre-eminence!” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho viewed the scene before him with an inquisitive eye, and was +evidently wrapped in surprise at the “busy hum of men,” all actuated by +one universal object, the acquisition of wealth. The spacious area +exhibited a mass of mercantile speculators, numerously grouped, in +conversation; under the piazzas appeared a moving multitude in like manner +engaged, while the surrounding seats were in similar occupation; Dashall +and Bob, of the many hundreds of individuals present, were perhaps the +only two led to the place by curiosity alone. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho, who, on every occasion of “doubtful dilemma,” looked to his +cousin Dashall for extrication, expressed his surprise at the appearance +of a squalid figure, whose lank form, patched habiliments, and unshorn +beard, indicated <span class="pagenum">[325]</span>extreme penury; in +familiar converse with a gentleman fashionably attired, and of demeanour +to infer unquestionable respectability. +</p> +<p> +“Interest,” said Tallyho, “supersedes every other consideration, else +these two opposites would not meet.” + </p> +<p> +“Your observation is just,” replied his cousin; “the tatterdemallion to +whom you allude, is probably less impoverished than penurious; perhaps of +miserly habits, and in other respects disqualified for polite society. +What then, he is doubtless in ample possession of the essential requisite; +and here a monied man only is a good man, and without money no man can be +respectable."{1} +</p> +<p> +Here the continued and deafening noise of a hand-bell, rung by one of the +Exchange-keepers underlings, perched on the balcony over the southern +gate, interrupted Mr. Dashall's remarks; it was the signal for locking up +the gates, and inferring at the same time obedience to the summons with +due promptitude and submission, on pain of being detained two hours “in +duresse vile.” + </p> +<p> +Sufficient alacrity of egression not having been shown, the Keepers closed +the two gates, and at the same time locked the east and western avenues; +thus interdicting from egress above three hundred contumacious +individuals, including the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin. +</p> +<p> +A considerable time having now elapsed without any prospect of +enlargement, dissatisfaction gained ground apace, and shortly ripened into +actual mutiny. The disaffected now proceeded to hold a council of war, and +after a few moments deliberation, it was resolved unanimously to storm the +avenues! Dashall and +</p> +<p> +1 Some years ago, a gentleman of extensive property, residing in the +country, was desirous of raising, by way of loan on the security of landed +estates, the sum of 30,000L. His Solicitor in London, with whom he had +corresponded on the subject, summoned him at last to town; a lender was +found, who was to meet the Solicitor at a certain time and place +appointed, in the neighbourhood of the Exchange. The borrower, on the day +and near the hour fixed upon, was in the area of the Royal Exchange, when +there crossed over a wretched looking being, the very personification of +misery. The gentleman, unsolicited, gave the poor object a shilling. On +going to the appointed rendezvous, how great was his astonishment to find +in the person of the wealthy monied man the identical receiver of his +bounty!—“Ha, ha,” cried he, “you shall not fare the worse for your +generosity!” and actually advanced the money on terms much easier than +expected. This personage was the celebrated Daniel Dancer. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[326]</span> Tallyho declined taking any part in the +enterprise; they took a right view of the affair; they were mere casual +visitants, not likely ever again to suffer a similar restraint, while the +others were in the daily practice of transacting business on the spot: to +them therefore the frequent recurrence of the present disaster might +happen—theirs then was the cause, as being most particularly +interested. +</p> +<p> +An attack was made by the prisoners upon the portals opening into Bank +Buildings and Sweeting's Kents; but the former having been shattered +sometime since on a similar occasion, and subsequently very strongly +repaired, it was found impregnable, at least to any immediate exertion of +force, and being neither furnished with a park of artillery, nor with the +battering ram of the ancients, the little army faced to the right about, +enfiladed the area, and took up a new position, in due order of assault, +against the door of the avenue leading into Sweeting's Rents. The affair +was decided, and without bloodshed; the bars soon bent before the vigour +of the assailants; one of these was taken into custody by a Beadle, but +rescued, and the attack recommenced with success; when the opposite door +was also opened by the Shop-keeper living in that avenue, and the Exchange +was finally cleared at four minutes past five o'clock, after above an +hour's detention, including the time occupied in storming the avenues. +</p> +<p> +The triumph of liberty was now complete; the intrepid phalanx disbanded +itself; and our Heroes having made the farewell conge to their victorious +compeers, proceeded into Cornhill, where, Dashall espying his curricle at +the door of Tom's Coffee House, they, after refreshing themselves, took a +cheerful country drive over London Bridge, Clapham Common, Wandsworth, +&c. from which they returned at six o'clock to dinner, determined to +have a night's rest before they proceeded in search of further adventures.<span +class="pagenum">[327]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0005"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Happy the man, who void of cares and strife, +In silken or in leathern purse retains +A SPLENDID shilling! he nor hears with pain +New oysters cried, nor sighs for cheerful ale; + +But I, whom griping penury surrounds, +And hunger, sure attendant upon want, +With scanty offal and small acid tiff, +Wretched repast, my meagre corse sustain! +Or solitary walk, or dose at home +In garret vile!” + </div> +<p> +TALKING over, at the breakfast-table, the occurrences of the preceding day—“On +my conscience!” exclaimed Tallyho, “were the antediluvian age restored, +and we daily perambulated the streets of this immense Metropolis during a +hundred years to come, I firmly believe that every hour would bring a +fresh accession of incident.” + </p> +<p> +“Ad infinitum,” answered Dashall; “where happiness is the goal in view, +and fifteen hundred thousand competitors start for the prize, the +manouvres of all in pursuit of the grand ultimatum must ever exhibit an +interesting and boundless variety. London, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“. . . the needy villain's general home, +The common sewer of Paris and of Rome!” + </div> +<p> +where ingenious vice too frequently triumphs over talented worth—where +folly riots in the glare of luxury, and merit pines in indigent obscurity.—Allons +donc!—another ramble, and chance may probably illustrate my +observation.” + </p> +<p> +“Take notice,” said the discriminating Dashall to his friend, as they +reached the Mall in St. James's Park, “of that solitary knight of the +woeful countenance; his thread-bare raiment and dejected aspect, denote +disappointment and privation;—ten imperial sovereigns to a plebeian +<span class="pagenum">[328]</span> shilling, he is either a retired +veteran or a distressed poet.” + </p> +<p> +The object of curiosity, who had now seated himself, appeared to have +attained the age of fifty, or more—a bat that had once been black—a +scant-skirted blue coat, much the worse for wear—a striped waistcoat—his +lank legs and thighs wrapt in a pair of something resembling trowsers, but +“a world too wide for his shrunk shanks”—short gaiters—shoes +in the last stage of consumption—whiskers of full dimensions—his +head encumbered with an unadjusted redundancy-of grey hair: such were the +habiliments and figure of this son of adversity! +</p> +<p> +The two friends now seated themselves on the same bench with the stranger, +who, absorbed in reflection, observed not their approach. +</p> +<p> +The silence of the triumvirate was broken in upon by Tom, who, with his +usual suavity of manners, politely addressed himself to the unknown, on +the common topic of weather, <i>et cetera</i>, without eliciting in reply +more than an assenting or dissenting monosyllable, “You have seen some +service, Sir?” + </p> +<p> +“Yes.” + </p> +<p> +“In the army, I presume?” + </p> +<p> +“No.” + </p> +<p> +“Under Government?” + </p> +<p> +“Yes.” + </p> +<p> +“In the navy, probably?” + </p> +<p> +“No.” + </p> +<p> +“I beg your pardon,” continued Dashall—“my motives originate not in +idle inquisitiveness; if I can be of any service———” + </p> +<p> +The stranger turned towards him an eye of inquiry. “I ask not from +impertinent curiosity,” resumed Dashall, “neither would I wish +indelicately to obtrude an offer of assistance, perhaps equally +unnecessary as unacceptable; yet there are certain mutabilities of life +wherein sympathy may be allowed to participate.” + </p> +<p> +“Sir,” said the other, with an immediate grateful expansion of mind, and +freedom of communication—“I am inexpressibly indebted for the honour +of your solicitude, and feel no hesitation in acknowledging that I am a +literary writer; but so seldom employed, and, when employed, so +inadequately requited, that to me the necessaries of life are frequently +inaccessible.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[329]</span> Here Tallyho interrupted the narrator +by asking—whence it was that he had adopted a profession so irksome, +precarious, and unproductive? +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Necessity,” was the reply. “During a period of eight years, I performed +the duties as senior Clerk of an office under Government; four years +ago the establishment was broken up, without any provision made for its +subordinate dependents; and thus I became one of the twenty thousand +distressed beings in London, who rise from bed in the morning, unknowing +where to repose at night, and are indebted to chance for a lodging or a +dinner!”{1} 1 The following calculation, which is curious in all its +parts, cannot fail to interest the reader:— + +The aggregate Population on the surface of the known +habitable Globe is estimated at 1000,000,000 souls. If +therefore we reckon with the Ancients, that a generation +lasts 30 years, then in that space 1000,000,000 human beings +will be born and die; consequently, 91,314 must be dropping +into eternity every day, 3800 every hour, or about 63 every +minute, and more than one every second. Of these +1000,000,000 souls, 656,000,000 are supposed to be Pagans, +160,000,000 Mahomedans, 9,000,000 Jews, only 175,000,000 are +called Christians, and of these only 50,000,000 are +Protestants. + +There are in London 502 places of Worship—one Cathedral, +one Abbey, 114 Churches, 132 Chapels and Chapels of Ease, +220 Meet-ings and Chapels for Dissenters, 43 Chapels for +Foreigners, and 6 Synagogues for Jews. About 4050 public and +private Schools, including Inns of Courts, Colleges, &c. +About 8 Societies for Morals; 10 Societies for Learning and +Arts; 112 Asylums for Sick and Lame; 13 Dispensaries, and +704 Friendly Societies. Charity distributed £800,000 per +annum. + +There are about 2500 persons committed for trial in one +year: The annual depredations amount to about £2,100,000. +There are 19 Prisons, and 5204 Alehouses within the bills of +Mortality. The amount of Coin counterfeited is £200,000 per +annum. Forgeries on the Bank of England in the year +£150,000. About 3000 Receivers of Stolen Goods. About 10,000 +Servants at all times out of place. Above 20,000 miserable +individuals rise every morning without knowing how or by +what means they are to be supported during the passing day, +or where, in many instances, they are to lodge on the +succeeding night. + +London consumes annually 112,000 bullocks; 800,000 sheep and +lambs; 212,000 calves; 210,000 hogs; 60,000 sucking pigs; +7,000,000 gallons of milk, the produce of 9000 cows; 10,000 +acres of ground cultivated for vegetables; 4000 acres for +fruit; 75,000 quarters of wheat; 700,000 chaldrons of coals; +1,200,500 barrels of ale and porter; 12,146,782 gallons of +spirituous liquors and compounds; 35,500 tons of wine; +17,000,000 pounds of butter, 22,100,000 pounds of cheese; +14,500 boat loads of cod. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[330]</span> “May I ask,” said Mr. Dashall, “from +what species of literary composition you chiefly derive your subsistence?” + </p> +<p> +“From puffing—writing rhyming advertisements for certain speculative +and successful candidates for public favour, in various avocations; for +instance, eulogizing the resplendent brilliancy of Jet or Japan Blacking—the +wonderful effects of Tyrian-Dye and Macassar Oil in producing a luxuriant +growth and changing the colour of the hair, transforming the thinly +scattered and hoary fragments of age to the redundant and auburn tresses +of youth—shewing forth that the “Riding Master to his late Majesty +upwards of thirty years, and Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, +sets competition at defiance, and that all who dare presume to rival the +late Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, are vile unskilful +pretenders, ci-devant stable-boys, and totally undeserving the notice of +an enlightened and discerning public! In fact, Sir, I am reduced to this +occasional humiliating employment, derogatory certainly to the dignity of +literature, as averting the approach of famine. I write, for various +adventurers, poetical panegyric, and illustrate each subject by +incontrovertible facts, with appropriate incident and interesting +anecdote.” + </p> +<p> +“And these facts,” observed Bob Tallyho, “respectably authenticated?” + </p> +<p> +“By no means,” answered the Poet; “nor is it necessary, nobody takes the +trouble of inquiry, and all is left to the discretion of the writer and +the fertility of his invention.” + </p> +<p> +“On the same theme, does not there exist,” asked Dashall, “a difficulty in +giving it the appearance of variety?” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly; and that difficulty would seem quite insurmountable when I +assure you, that I have written for a certain Blacking Manufacturer above +two hundred different productions on the subject of his unparalleled Jet, +each containing fresh incident, and very probably fresh incident must yet +be found for two hundred productions more! But the misfortune is, that +every thing is left to my invention, and the remuneration is of a very +trifling nature for such mental labour: besides, it has frequently +happened that the toil has proved unavailing—the production is +rejected—the anticipated half-crown remains in the accumulating +coffers of the Blacking-manufacturer, and the Author returns, pennyless +and despondingly, to his attic, where, if fortune at last befriends him, +he probably may breakfast dine and sup, tria juncta in uno, at a late hour +in the evening!” <span class="pagenum">[331]</span> “And,” exclaimed the +feeling Dashall, “this is real Life in London!” + </p> +<p> +“With me actually so,” answered the Poet. +</p> +<p> +The Blacking-maker's Laureat now offered to the perusal of his +sympathising friends the following specimen of his ability in this mode of +composition:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +PUG IN ARMOUR; +OR, +THE GARRISON ALARMED. + +“Whoe'er on the rock of Gibraltar has been, +A frequent assemblage of monkeys has seen +Assailing each stranger with volleys of stones, +As if pre-determin'd to fracture his bones! + +A Monkey one day took his turn as a scout, +And gazing his secret position about, +A boot caught his eye, near the spot that was plac'd, +By w * * * *n's jet; Blacking transcendently grac'd; +And, viewing his shade in its brilliant reflection, +He cautiously ventured on closer inspection. + +The gloss on its surface return'd grin for grin, +Thence seeking his new-found acquaintance within, +He pok'd in the boot his inquisitive snout, +Head and shoulders so far, that he could not get out; +And thus he seem'd cas'd—from his head to his tail, +In suit of high-burnish'd impregnable mail! + +Erect on two legs then, with retrograde motion, +It stalk'd; on the Sentry impressing a notion +That this hostile figure, of non-descript form, +The fortress might take by manoeuvre or storm! + +Now fixing his piece, in wild terror he bawls— +“A legion of devils are scaling the walls!” + The guards sallied forth 'mid portentous alarms, +Signal-guns were discharged, and the drums beat to arms; +And Governor then, and whole garrison, ran +To meet the dread foe in this minikin man! + +“A man—'tis a monkey!” Mirth loudly exclaim'd, +And peace o'er the garrison then was proclaim'd; +And Pug was released, the strange incident backing +The merits, so various, of W* * * *n's Jet Blacking.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[332]</span> This trifle, well enough for the +purpose, was honoured with approbation. +</p> +<p> +The two friends, unwilling to offend the delicacy of the Poet by a +premature pecuniary compliment at this early stage of acquaintance, took +his address and departed, professing an intention of calling upon him at +his lodgings in the evening. +</p> +<p> +“I would not, were I a bricklayer's labourer,” exclaimed Bob, “exchange +situations with this unfortunate literary hack—this poor devil of +mental toil and precarious result, who depends for scanty subsistence on +the caprice of his more fortunate inferiors, whose minds, unexpanded by +liberal feeling, and absorbed in the love of self, and the sordid +consideration of interest, are callous to the impression of benevolence!—But +let us hope that few such cases of genius in adversity occur, even in this +widely extended and varied scene of human vicissitude.” + </p> +<p> +“That hope,” replied his Cousin, “is founded on +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The baseless fabric of a vision!” + </div> +<p> +There are, at this moment, thousands in London of literary merit, of whom +we may truly say, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Chill penury repress their noble rage, +And freeze the genial current of the soul!” + </div> +<p> +Men unsustained by the hand of friendship, who pine in unheeded obscurity, +suffering the daily privations of life's indispensable requisites, or +obtaining a scanty pittance at the will of opulent ignorance, and under +the humiliating contumely, as we have just been informed, even of Blacking +Manufacturers! +</p> +<p> +“But here is a man, who, during a period of eight years, held a public +situation, the duties of which he performed satisfactorily to the last; +and yet, on the abolition of the establishment, while the Principal +retires in the full enjoyment of his ample salary, this senior Clerk and +his fellows in calamity are cast adrift upon the world, to live or starve, +and in the dearth of employment suitable to their habits and education, +the unfortunate outcasts are left to perish, perhaps by the hand of famine +in the streets, or that of despondency in a garret; or, what is worse than +either, consigned to linger out their remaining wretched <span +class="pagenum">[333]</span> days under the “cold reluctant charity” of a +parish workhouse.{1} +</p> +<p> +“When the principal of a Public-office has battened for many years on his +liberal salary, and the sole duties required of him have been those of +occasionally signing a few official papers, why not discontinue his salary +on the abolition of the establishment, and partition it out in pensions to +those disbanded Clerks by whose indefatigable exertions the business of +the public has been satisfactorily conducted? These allowances, however +inadequate to the purpose of substantiating all the comforts, might yet +realise the necessaries of life, and, at least, would avert the dread of +absolute destitution.” + </p> +<p> +A pause ensued—Dashall continued in silent rumination—a few +moments brought our Heroes to the Horse Guards; and as the acquirement +“devoutly to be wished” was a general knowledge of metropolitan manners, +they proceeded to the observance of Real Life in a Suttling House. +</p> +<p> +Child's Suttling House at the Horse Guards is the almost exclusive resort +of military men, who, availing themselves of the intervals between duty, +drop in to enjoy a pipe and pint. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“To fight their battles o'er again, +Thrice to conquer all their foes, +And thrice to slay the slain.” + </div> +<p> +In the entrance on the left is a small apartment, bearing the dignified +inscription, in legible characters on the door, of “The Non-Commissioned +Officers' Room.” In front of the bar is a larger space, boxed off, and +appropriated to the use of the more humble heroical aspirants, the private +men; and passing through the bar, looking into Whitehall, is the <i>Sanctum +Sanctorum</i>, for the reception of the more exalted rank, the +golden-laced, three-striped, subordinate commandants, Serjeant-Majors and +Serjeants, with the colour-clothed regimental appendants of Paymasters and +Adjutants' Clerks, <i>et cetera</i>. Into this latter apartment our +accomplished friends were ushered with becoming +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 “Swells then thy feeling heart, and streams thine eye +O'er the deserted being, poor and old, + +Whom cold reluctant parish-charity +Consigns to mingle with his kindred mold.” + —Charlotte Smith. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[334]</span> respect to their superior appearance, +at the moment when a warm debate was carrying on as to the respective +merits of the deceased Napoleon and the hero of Waterloo. +</p> +<p> +The advocate of the former seemed unconnected with the army: the adherent +to the latter appeared in the gaudy array of a Colour-Serjeant of the Foot +Guards, and was decorated with a Waterloo medal, conspicuously suspended +by a blue ribbon to the upper button of his jacket; and of this honourable +badge the possessor seemed not less vain than if he had been adorned with +the insignia of the most noble order of the Garter. +</p> +<p> +“I contend, and I defy the universe to prove the contrary,” exclaimed the +pertinacious Serjeant in a tone of authoritative assertion, “that the Duke +of Wellington is a greater man than ever did, does, or hereafter may +exist!” + </p> +<p> +“By no means,” answered the Civilian. “I admit, so far as a thorough +knowledge of military tactics, and a brilliant career of victory +constitutes greatness, his grace of Wellington to be a great hero, but +certainly not the greatest 'inan that ever did, does, or hereafter may +exist!” “Is there a greater man? Did there ever exist a greater?—when +and where?” the Serjeant impatiently demanded. +</p> +<p> +“Buonaparte was a greater,” answered the opposing disputant; “because to +military renown unparalleled in the annals of ancient or modern history, +he added the most consummate knowledge of government; and although his +actions might frequently partake of arbitrary sway, (and who is the human +being exempted from human frailty) yet he certainly created and sustained, +in her most elevated zenith, the splendour of France, till crushed by the +union of nations in arms; and if power is the criterion of greatness, who +was, is, or ever can be greater than the man, who, emerging from +obscurity, raised himself solely by his mental energies to the highest +elevation of human glory; and who, this Island excepted, commanded the +destinies of all Europe! The most determined of his enemies will not deny, +calmly and duly appreciating his merits, that he possessed unrivalled +talent; and this fact the hero, whose cause you so vehemently espouse, +would, I have no doubt, be the foremost in acknowledging.” + </p> +<p> +In deficiency of argument, the Serjeant resorted to invective; the +vociferous disputation reached the next <span class="pagenum">[335]</span> +room, and was taken up by the rank and file in a manner not less +tumultuous; when an honest native of the “Emerald Isle” good-humouredly +terminated the war of words, calling for half a quartern of gin, with +which to qualify a pint of Whitbread's entire. +</p> +<p> +“To the immortal memory of St. Patrick, and long life to him!” exclaimed +Patrick O'Shaughnessy. “If there did not exist but them two selves, bad +luck to the spalpeen who will say that the Duke and my Lord Londondery +would not be the greatest men in the universe!” + </p> +<p> +This sally led to a cessation of hostilities, which might have been +followed by a definitive treaty of peace, but the dæmon of discord again +made its appearance in the tangible shape of a diminutive personage, who, +hitherto silently occupying a snug out-of-the-way corner by the fireplace, +had escaped observation. +</p> +<p> +Dashall and his Cousin emerging from the Sanctum Sanctorum, where their +presence seemed to have operated as a check on the freedom of discussion, +had just seated themselves in the room allotted to the private soldiers, +when, in a broad northern accent, the aforesaid taciturn gentleman, +selecting the two strangers, who, of all the company, seemed alone worthy +the honour of his notice, thus addressed them: +</p> +<p> +“I crave your pardon, Sirs—but I guess frae your manner that ye are +no unacquainted wi' the movements o' high life—do you ken how lang +the King means to prolong his abode amang our neebors owre the water, his +hair-brain'd Irish subjects, whase notions o' loyalty hae excited sae mony +preposterously antic exhibitions by that volatile race O' people?” + </p> +<p> +“I am not in possession,” answered Dashall, “of any information on the +subject.” + </p> +<p> +“By the manes of the Priest,” exclaimed Mr. O'Shaughnessy, “but the King +(God bless him) has visited the land of green Erin, accompanied by the +spirit of harmony, and praties without the sauce of butter-milk be his +portion, who does not give them both a hearty welcome!—Arrah, what +mane you by a preposterous exhibition? By hecky, the warm hearts of the +sons and daughters of St. Patrick have exhibited an unsophisticated +feeling of loyalty, very opposite indeed to the chilling indifference, not +to say worse of it, of those his subjects at home; and as Sir William, the +big Baronet of the City, said in the House <span class="pagenum">[336]</span> +that gives laws to the land, Why should not his Majesty be cheered up a +little?” + </p> +<p> +This effusion of loyalty was well received, and Dashall and his Cousin +cordially united in the general expression of approbation. +</p> +<p> +“This is a' vera weel,” said the Northern; “but an overstrained civility +wears ay the semblance o' suspicion, and fulsome adulation canna be vera +acceptable to the mind o' delicate feeling: for instance, there is my ain +country, and a mair ancient or a mair loyal to its legitimate Sovereign +there disna exist on the face o' the whole earth; wad the King condescend +to honor wi' his presence the palace o' Holyrod House, he wad experience +as ardent a manifestation o' fidelity to his person and government in Auld +Reekie as that shown him in Dublin, though aiblins no quite sae +tumultuous; forbye, it wadna hae been amiss to hae gaen the preference to +a nation whare his ancestors held sway during sae mony centuries, and +whare, in the castle of Edinburgh, is still preserved the sacred regalia, +with which it migh no hae been unapropos to hae graced his royal head and +hand amidst the gratifying pageantry o' a Scotch coronation. Sure I am +that North Britain has never been honored publicly wi' a royal visit.—Whether +ony branch o' the present reigning family hae been there incognita they +best ken themselves.” + </p> +<p> +“You seem to have forgot,” observed Tallyho, “the visit of the Duke of +Cumberland to Scotland in the year 1745.” + </p> +<p> +“Begging your pardon for setting you right in that particular,” answered +the cynic, with a most significant expression of countenance, “that, Sir, +was not a visit, but a visitation!” + </p> +<p> +“Appropriate enough,” whispered Dashall to Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Augh, boderation to nice distinctions!” exclaimed O'Shaughnessy; “here, +Mister Suttler be after tipping over anoder half quartern of the cratur, +wid which to drink success to the royal visitant.” + </p> +<p> +“And that the company may participate in the gratifying expression of +attachment to their Sovereign, Landlord,” said Dashall, “let the glass go +round.” + </p> +<p> +“Testifying our regard for the Sovereign,” resumed the Northern, “it canna +be understood that we include a' the underlings o' Government. We ought, +as in duty bound, to venerate and obey the maister o' the house; bat it is +<span class="pagenum">[337]</span> by no means necessary that we should +pay a similar respect to his ox and his ass, his man-servant and his +maid-servant. May be, had he been at hame on a late occasion o' melancholy +solemnity, blood wadna hae been spilt, and mickle dool and sorrow wad hae +been avoided.” + </p> +<p> +“We perfectly understand your allusion,” said one from the group of +Life-guardsmen: “Of us now present there were none implicated in the +unfortunate occurrences either of that day or a subsequent one: yet we +must not silently hear our comrades traduced—perhaps then it may be +as well to drop the subject.” + </p> +<p> +“I canna think o' relinquishing a topic 0' discourse,” answered the +Northern, “replete wi' mickle interest, merely at your suggestion; it may +be ye did your duty in obeying the commands, on that lamentable occasion, +O' your superior officers, and it is to be hoped that the duty O' the +country, towards those with whom originated the mischief, will not be +forgotten; there is already on record against the honour 0' your corps a +vera serious verdick.” + </p> +<p> +Here the Life-guardsmen spontaneously started up; but the immediate +interposition of Dashall averted me impending storm; while Tallyho, +imitating the generosity of his Cousin, ordered the circulation once more +of the bottle, to Unanimity betwixt the military and the people. Harmony +thus restored, the two friends took their leave, amidst the grateful +acknowledgments of the company, O'Shaughnessy swearing on their departure, +that doubtless the two strangers were begot in Ireland, although they +might have come over to England to be born! While the pertinacious +Northern observed, that appearances were aften deceitful, although, to be +sure, the twa friends had vera mickle the manners 0' perfectly well-bred +gentlemen, and seem'd, forbye, to hae a proper sense o' national honor. +</p> +<p> +Proceeding into Whitehall, Tallyho much admired the statue-like figures of +the mounted sentries in the recesses by the gate of the Horse-guards; the +relief had just approached; the precision of retirement of the one party, +and advance to its post of the other: the interesting appearance of the +appropriately caparisoned and steady demeanour of the horses, and their +instinctive knowledge of military duty, excited deservedly prolonged +attention, +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[338]</span> “One would think,” said Tallyho, “that +these noble animals are really actuated by reasoning faculties.” + </p> +<p> +“Hereafter,” replied Dashall, “you will still more incline to this +opinion, when we have an opportunity of being present on a cavalry +field-day in Hyde Park, where manoeuvre will appear to have attained its +acme of perfection, as much from the wonderful docility of the horse as +the discipline of the rider."{l} +</p> +<p> +“But hold, who have we here?—Our friend Sparkle, gazing about him +with an eye of inquisitive incertitude, as if in search of lost property.” + </p> +<p> +As his two friends approached, he seemed bewildered in the labyrinth of +conjecture.—“I have lost my horse!” he exclaimed, in answer to the +inquiry of Dashall. “Having occasion to stop half an hour at Drummond's, I +gave the animal in charge of an Israelite urchin, and now neither are to +be seen.” + </p> +<p> +Casting a look down the street, they at last discerned the Jew lad, +quickly, yet carefully leading the horse along, with two boys mounted on +its back. Thoroughly instructed in the maxim—Get money, honestly if +you can, but get it by any means! young Moses had made the most of the +present opportunity, by letting out the horse, at a penny a ride, from +Charing Cross to the Horse Guards; this, by his own confession, was the +fifteenth trip! Sparkle, highly exasperated, was about to apply the +discipline of the whip to the shoulders of the thrifty speculator, when +Tallyho, interceding in his behalf, he was released, with a suitable +admonition. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Not long since some cavalry horses, deemed “unfit for +further service,” were sold at Tattersal's. Of one of these +a Miller happened to be the purchaser. Subservient now to +the ignoble purposes of burthen, the horse one day was +led, 'with a sack of flour on his back, to the next market- +town; there while the Miller entered a house for a few +moments, and the animal quietly waited at the door, a +squadron of dragoons drew up in an adjacent street, forming +by sound of trumpet; the instant that the Miller's horse +heard the well-known signal, it started off with as much +celerity as its burthen admitted, and, to the great +amusement of the troop, and astonishment of the spectators, +took its station in the ranks, dressing in line, with the +accustomed precision of an experienced veteran in the +service; and it was with considerable difficulty that the +Miller, who had now hastened to the spot, could induce the +animal to relinquish its military ardour, to which it still +appeared to cling with renewed and fond pertinacity! +</div> +<p> +Sparkle, mounting his recovered charger, left his <span class="pagenum">[339]</span> +pedestrian friends for the present, to continue their excursion; who, +proceeding up St. Martin's Lane, and admiring that noble edifice, the +Church, reached, without other remarkable occurrence, the quietude of +Leicester Square. +</p> +<p> +Close by is Barker's Panorama, an object of attraction too prominent to be +passed without inspection. They now entered, and Tallyho stood mute with +delight at the astonishing effect of the perspective; while, as if by the +powers of enchantment, he seemed to have been transported into other +regions. Amidst scenes of rich sublimity, in the centre of a vast +amphitheatre, bounded only by the distant horizon, far remote from the +noisy bustle of the Metropolis, he gave full scope to his imagination; and +after an hour of pleasing reverie, left the fascinating delusion with +evident reluctance. +</p> +<p> +Emerging once more into the gay world, the two associates, in search of +Real Life in London, proceeded through Covent Garden Market, where fruit, +flowers, and exotics in profusion, invite alike the eye and the appetite. +</p> +<p> +Onwards they reached the classic ground of Drury, “Where Catherine Street +descends into the Strand.” + </p> +<p> +“I never,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “pass this spot without a feeling of +veneration—the scenes of “olden times” rise on my view, and the +shades of Garrick, and our late loss, and not less illustrious Sheridan, +flit before me! This was then, as now, the seat of Cyprian indulgence—the +magnet of sensual attraction, where feminine youth and beauty in their +most fascinating and voluptuous forms were let out by the unprincipled +procuress, and the shrines of Venus and Apollo invited the votaries of +each to nocturnal sacrifice.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The avenue to the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre was, in the +time of Garrick, through Vinegar Yard. In this passage an +old spider, better known, perhaps, by the name of a +Procuress, had spread her web, alias, opened a Bagnio, and +obtained a plentiful living by preying on those who +unfortunately or imprudently fell into her clutches. Those +who are not unacquainted with haddocks, will understand the +loose fish alluded to, who beset her doors, and accosted +with smiles or insults every one that passed. It happened +that a noble Lord, in his way to the theatre, with his two +daughters under his arm, was most grossly attacked by this +band of “flaming ministers.” He immediately went behind the +scenes, and insisted on seeing Mr. Garrick, to whom he +represented his case, and so roused the vengeance of the +little Manager, that he instantly, full of wrath, betook +himself to this unholy Sybil:— + +“Twin-child of Cacus; Vulcan was their sire, Full offspring +both of healthless fume and fire!” + </div> +<div class='pre'> +Finding her at the mouth of her cavern, he quickly gave veut +to his rage in the most buskin'd strain, and concluded by +swearing that he would have her ousted. To this assault she +was not backward in reply, but soon convinced him that she +was much more powerful in abusive language than our Roscius, +though he had recourse in his speech to Milton's “hell-born +bitch,” and other phrases of similar celebrity, whilst she +entirely depended on her own natural resources. Those to +whom this oratory is not new, have no need of our reporting +any of it; and those to whom it is a perfect mystery, boast +a “state the more gracious,” and are the more happy in their +ignorance. None of this rhapsody, however, although teeming +with blasphemy and abuse, had any effect on Garrick, and he +would have remained unmoved had she not terminated in the +following manner, which so excited the laughter of the +collected mob, and disconcerted “the soul of Richard,” + that, without another word to say, he hastily took shelter +in the theatre. Putting her arms akimbo, and letting down +each side of her mouth with wonderful expression of +contempt, she exclaimed—“You whipper snapper! you oust me! +You be d——-d! My house is as good as your's—aye, and +better too. I can come into your's whenever I like, and +see the best that you can do for a shilling; but d——-me if +you, or any body else, shall come into mine for less than a +fifteen-penny negus.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[340]</span> “This street and neighbourhood was wont +to exhibit, nightly, a melancholy proof of early infamy. Here might be +seen a prolonged succession of juvenile voluptuaries, females, many of +them under fourteen years of age, offering themselves to indiscriminate +prostitution, in a state verging on absolute nudity, alluring the +passengers, by every seductive wile, to the haunts of depravity, from +which retreat was seldom effected without pecuniary exaction, and +frequently accompanied by personal violence. The nuisance has been partly +abated, but entirely to remove it would be a task of more difficult +accomplishment than that of cleansing the Augean stable, and would baffle +all the labours of Hercules!” + </p> +<p> +“This fact,” observed Tallyho, “throws an indelible stain on metropolitan +police.” + </p> +<p> +“Not so,” answered his companion, “scarce a day passes without groups of +these unfortunates being held before a magistrate, and humanely disposed +of in various ways, with the view of preventing a recurrence to vicious +habits,—but in vain;—the stain is more attributed to the +depraved nature of man, who first seduces, and then casts off <span +class="pagenum">[341]</span> to infamy and indigence the unhappy victim of +credulity. Many of these wretched girls would, in all probability, gladly +have abstained from the career of vice, if, on their first fall, they had +experienced the consoling protection of parents or friends;—but, +shut out from home,—exiled from humanity,—divested of +character, and without resources,—no choice is left, other than +mendicity or prostitution!”{1} +</p> +<p> +The sombre reflections occasioned by these remarks gradually gave way to +those of a more enlivening hue, as the two friends proceeded along the +Strand. The various display, at the tradesmen's shop windows, of useful +and ornamental articles,—the continued bustle of the street,—the +throng of passengers of every description, hurrying on in the activity of +business, or more leisurely lounging their way under the impulse of +curiosity,—the endless succession of new faces, and frequent +occurrence of interesting incident;—these united in forming an +inexhaustible fund of amusement and admiration. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 “Hatton Garden.—On Saturday, no less than fifteen +unfortunate girls, all elegantly attired, were placed at the +bar, charged by Cadby, the street-keeper on the Foundling +Estate, with loitering about the neighbourhood for their +nocturnal purposes. The constable stated, that repeated +complaints had been made to him by many of the inhabitants, +of the disgraceful practice of vast numbers of frail ones, +who resort every night to Brunswick Square. He had been +therefore instructed to endeavour to suppress the nuisance. +About twelve o'clock on Friday night, while perambulating +the district, he found the fifteen prisoners at the bar in +Brunswick Square, at their usual pursuits, and all of them +were in the act of picking up gentlemen. He procured +assistance, and they were taken into custody, and conveyed +to the watch-house. + +None of the prisoners could deny the charge, but expressed +great contrition at being under the painful necessity of +procuring their subsistence in so disgraceful a manner. They +were examined individually, by the magistrates, as to the +origin that brought them to disgrace. Some, from their +admission, were farmers' daughters, and had been decoyed +from their relatives, and brought to London, and +subsequently deserted by their seducers. Some were nursery- +maids—others, girls seduced from boarding schools. Their +tales were truly distressing—some had only been six months +in such infamy, others twelve months, and some two years and +upwards. + +The worthy magistrate, with much feeling, admonished them on +the evil course they were following, and pointed out the +means still left for them to return to the paths of virtue; +and on their severally promising never to appear again in +that quarter, they were discharged.” + </div> +<p> +Passing through Temple Bar, “Once more,” said <span class="pagenum">[342]</span> +Dashall, “we enter the dominions of another Sovereign,—the Monarch +of the City,—than whom there is none more tenacious of the rights +and immunities of his subjects. Professing a strictly civil government, +and consequent hostility to military interference, it does not always +happen that the regal sway of the East harmonizes with that of the West, +and the limited reign of the former is generally most popular when most in +opposition to that of the latter. Several important events have occurred +wherein a late patriotic Right Honourable Chief Magistrate has had the +opportunity of manifesting a zealous, firm, and determined attachment to +the privileges of the community: the good wishes of his fellow-citizens +have accompanied his retirement, and his private and public worth will be +long held in deserved estimation.” + </p> +<p> +Turning up the Old Bailey, and passing, with no pleasing sensations, that +structure in front of which so many human beings expiate their offences +with their lives, without, in any degree, the frequency of the dreadful +example lessening the perpetration of crime,—“The crowd thickens,” + exclaimed the 'Squire; and advancing into Smithfield, a new scene opened +on the view of the astonished Tallyho. An immense and motley crowd was +wedged together in the open space of the market, which was surrounded by +booths and shows of every description, while the pavement was rendered +nearly impassable by a congregated multitude, attracted by the long line +of stalls, exhibiting, in ample redundancy, the gorgeously gilt array of +ginger-bread monarchs, savory spice-nuts, toys for children and those of +elder growth, and the numerous other <i>et cetera</i> of Bartholomew Fair, +which at that moment the Lord Mayor of London, with accustomed state and +formality, was in the act of proclaiming. +</p> +<p> +A more dissonant uproar now astounded the ears of Bob than ever issued +from the hounds at falt in the field or at variance in the kennel! The +prolonged stunning and vociferous acclamation of the mob, accompanied by +the deeply sonorous clangor of the gong—the shrill blast of the +trumpet—the hoarse-resounding voices of the mountebanks, straining +their lungs to the pitch of extremity, through speaking tubes—the +screams of women and children, and the universal combination of discord, +announced the termination of the Civic Sovereign's performance in the +drama; “the revelry now had began,” <span class="pagenum">[343]</span> and +all was obstreperous uproar, and “confusion worse confounded.” + </p> +<p> +In the vortex of the vast assemblage, the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin +were more closely hemmed in than they probably would have been at the rout +of female distinction, where inconvenience is the order of the night, and +pressure, to the dread of suffocation, the criterion of rank and fashion. +Borne on the confluent tide, retreat was impracticable; alternately then, +stationary and advancing with the multitude, as it urged its slow and +undulating progress; or paused at the attractions of Wombwell and +Gillman's rival menageries—the equestrian shows of Clark and Astley—the +theatres of Richardson and Gyngell, graced by the promenade of the <i>dramatis +personæ</i> and lure of female nudity—the young giantess—the +dwarfs—and the accomplished lady, who, born without arms, cuts out +watch-papers with her toes, and takes your likeness with her teeth!—Amidst +these and numerous other seductive impediments to their progress, our +pedestrians, resisting alike temptation and invitation, penetrated the +mass of spectators, and gained an egress at Long Lane, uninjured in +person, and undamaged in property, “save and except” the loss, by Bob, of +a shoe, and the rent frock of his honourable Cousin. To repair the one and +replace the other was now the predominant consideration. By fortunate +proximity to a descendant of St. Crispin, the latter object was speedily +effected; but the difficulty of finding, in that neighbourhood, a knight +of the thimble, appearing insurmountable, the two friends pursued their +course, Dashall drawing under his arm the shattered skirts of his garment, +until they reached Playhouse Yard, in Upper Whitecross Street, St. Luke's, +to which they had been previously directed, the epitome of Monmouth +Street, chiefly inhabited by tailors and old clothes retailers, where +purchase and repair are equally available. +</p> +<p> +Entering a shop occupied by an intelligent Scotch tailor, who, with his +son, was busily employed in making up black cloth and kerseymere +waistcoats, his spouse, a native of Edinburgh, with a smile of complacency +and avidity of utterance that strongly indicated a view to the main +chance, put her usual inquiry: +</p> +<p> +“What is your wull, Gentlemen—what wad you please to want?” + </p> +<p> +“My good lady,” answered Dashall, “we would be <span class="pagenum">[344]</span> +glad to accept the services of your husband,” exhibiting at same time the +rent skirts of his frock. “This accident was sustained in passing, or +rather in being squeezed through the Fair; my friend too, experienced a +trifling loss; but, as it has been replaced, I believe that he does not +require present amendment.” + </p> +<p> +The materials destined to form the black waistcoats were then put aside, +while the northern adept in the exercise of the needle proceeded to +operate on the fractured garment; and a coat being supplied, <i>ad interim</i>, +Tom and his friend accepted the “hospitable invitation of the guid wife, +and seated themselves with unhesitating sociability. +</p> +<p> +“And sae ye hae been to the Fair, gentlemen?” “We have, madam,” said +Dashall, “and unintentionally so; we were not, until on the spot, aware of +any such exhibition, and got within its vortex just as the Lord Mayor had +licensed, by proclamation, the commencement of this annual scene of +idleness, riot and dissipation!” + </p> +<p> +“Hoot awa, Sir, ye wadna wish to deprive us o' our amusements; poor folks +dinna often enjoy pleasure, and why should na they hae a wee bit o' it now +and then, as weel as the rich?” + </p> +<p> +“I know not, my good lady,” exclaimed Bon, “that I can altogether +assimilate with your's my ideas of pleasure; if it consists in being +pressed nearly to death by a promiscuous rabble, in attempts on your +pocket, shoes trod off your feet by the formidable iron-cased soles of a +drayman's ponderous sandals, to say nothing of the pleasing effect thus +produced upon your toes, and in having the coat torn off from your back, I +would freely resign to the admirers of such pleasure the full benefit of +its enjoyment.” + </p> +<p> +“Accidents wull happen ony where and in ony situation,” replied the +garrulous wife; “ye may be thankfu', gentlemen, that its nae waur,—and, +for the matter o' the rent frock, my guid man wull repair it in sic a way +that the disaster wull no be seen, and the coat wull look as weel as +ever.” + </p> +<p> +The promise was verified; the reparation was made with equal neatness and +celerity; something beyond the required remuneration was given; and +Dashall inquiring if the worthy dame of <i>Auld Reekie</i> would take a +drop of cordial, the friendly offer was accepted, and the glass of <span +class="pagenum">[345]</span> good fellowship having been drank, and +civilities interchanged, the strangers departed. +</p> +<p> +They were now in Whitecross Street, where sojourned their acquaintance of +the morning, the distressed Poet; and, from the accuracy of description, +had no difficulty in ascertaining his place of residence. +</p> +<p> +It was in a public-house; a convenient lodging for the forlorn being, who, +exiled from friendship, and unconnected by any ties of consanguinity, can +dress his scanty meal by a gratuitous fire, and where casual generosity +may sometimes supply him with a draught of Hanbury's exhilarating +beverage. +</p> +<p> +At the bar, directly facing the street door, the strangers, on inquiring +for the Poet by name, were directed by the landlord, with a sarcastical +expression of countenance, to “the first floor <i>down the chimney</i>!” + while the Hostess, whose demeanour perfectly accorded with that of the +well-manner'd gentlewoman, politely interfered, and, shewing the parlour, +sent a domestic to acquaint her lodger that he was wanted below stairs. +</p> +<p> +The summons was instantaneously obeyed; but as the parlour precluded the +opportunity of private conversation, being partly occupied by clamorous +butchers, with whom this street abounds to redundancy, the Poet had no +other alternative than that of inviting the respectable visitants to his +attic, or, as the Landlord facetiously named the lofty domicile, his first +floor down the chimney! +</p> +<p> +Real Life in London must be seen, to be believed. The Hon. Tom Dashall and +his friend Tallyho were reared in the lap of luxury, and never until now +formed an adequate conception of the distressing privations attendant on +suffering humanity. +</p> +<p> +With a dejection of spirits evidently occasioned by the humiliating +necessity of ushering his polished friends into the wretched asylum of +penury, the Poet led the way with tardy reluctancy, while his visitors +regretted every step of ascent, under the appalling circumstance of giving +pain to adversity; yet they felt that to recede would be more indelicate +than to advance. +</p> +<p> +The apartment which they now entered seemed a lumber room, for the +reception of superfluous or unserviceable furniture, containing not fewer +than eleven decayed and mutilated chairs of varied description; and the +limited space, to make the most of it in a pecuniary point of view, <span +class="pagenum">[346]</span> was encroached upon by three uncurtained +beds, of most impoverished appearance,—while, exhibiting the ravages +of time in divers fractures, the dingy walls and ceiling, retouched by the +trowel in many places with a lighter shade of repairing material, bore no +unapt resemblance to the Pye-bald Horse in Chiswell-street! Calculating on +its utility and probable future use, the builder of the mansion had given +to this room the appendage of a chimney, but evidently it had for many +years been unconscious of its usual accompaniment, fire. Two windows had +originally admitted the light of heaven, but to reduce the duty, one was +internally blocked up, while externally uniformity was preserved. A +demolished pane of glass in the remaining window, close to which stood a +small dilapidated table, gave ingress to a current of air; the convenient +household article denominated a clothes-horse, stood against the wall; and +several parallel lines of cord were stretched across the room, on which to +hang wet linen, a garret being considered of free access to all the house, +and the comfort or health of its occupant held in utter derision and +contempt! +</p> +<p> +Here then,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“In the worst Inn's worst room, with cobwebs hung, +The walls of plaster and the floors of dung,” + </div> +<p> +entered Dashall and his Cousin Tallyho. The latter familiarly seating +himself on the ricketty remains of what had once been an arm-chair, but +now a cripple, having lost one of its legs, the precarious equilibrium +gave way under the unaccustomed shock of the contact, and the 'Squire came +to the ground, to his no small surprise, the confusion of the poet, and +amusement of Dashall! +</p> +<p> +With many apologies for the awkwardness of their very humble +accommodation, and grateful expression of thanks for the honour conferred +upon him, the Poet replaced Tallyho in a firmer seat, and a silence of +some few moments ensued, the two friends being at a loss in what manner to +explain, and the Poet unwilling to inquire the object of their visit. +</p> +<p> +Dashall began at last, by observing that in pursuit of the knowledge of +Real Life in London, he and his accompanying friend had met with many +incidents both ludicrous and interesting; but that in the present instance +their visit was rather influenced by sympathy than <span class="pagenum">[347]</span> +curiosity, and that where they could be serviceable to the interest of +merit in obscurity, they always should be happy in the exercise of a duty +so perfectly congenial with their feelings. +</p> +<p> +Many years had elapsed since the person, to whom these remarks were +addressed, had heard the voice of consolation, and its effect was +instantaneous; his usual sombre cast of countenance became brightened by +the glow of cheerful animation, and he even dwelt on the subject of his +unfortunate circumstances with jocularity: +</p> +<p> +“The elevated proximity of a garret,” he observed, “to the sublimer +regions, has often been resorted to as the <i>roost of genius</i>; and why +should I, of the most slender, if any, literary pretensions, complain? And +yet my writings, scattered amongst the various fugitive periodical +publications of this and our sister island, if collected together, would +form a very voluminous compilation.” + </p> +<p> +“I have always understood,” said Bob, “that the quality, not the quantum, +constituted the fame of an author's productions.” + </p> +<p> +“True, Sir,” answered the Poet; “and I meant not the vanity of arrogating +to myself any merit from my writings, with reference either to quantum or +quality. I alluded to the former, as merely proving the inefficacy of +mental labour in realizing the necessaries of life to an author whom +celebrity declines acknowledging. Similarly situated, it would appear was +the Dutchman mentioned by the late Doctor Walcot, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“My Broder is te poet, look, +As all te world must please, +For he heb wrote, py Got, a book +So big as all this cheese!” + </div> +<p> +“On the other hand, Collins, Hammond, and Gray, wrote each of them but +little, yet their names will descend to posterity!—And had Gray, of +his poems the <i>Bard</i>, and the <i>Elegy in a Country Church Yard</i>, +written only one, and written nothing else, he had required no other or +better passport to immortality!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Of that great and multitudinous writer, Doctor Samuel +Johnson, the following anecdote is told: “Being one morning +in the library at Buckingham House honoured with the +presence of Royalty, the King, his late Majesty, inquired +why he, (Mr. Johnson) did not continue to write. “May it +please your Majesty,” answered the Doctor, “I think I have +written enough.”—“I should have thought so too,” his +Majesty replied, “if, Doctor Johnson, you had not written so +well.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[348]</span> In this opinion the visitants, who were +both well conversant with our native literature, readily acquiesced. +</p> +<p> +“Have you never,” asked Dashall, “thought of publishing a volume by +subscription?” + </p> +<p> +“I meditated such intention,” answered the Poet, “not long ago; drew up +the necessary Prospectus, with a specimen of the Poetry, and perambulated +the Metropolis in search of patronage. In some few instances I was +successful, and, though limited the number, yet the high respectability of +my few Subscribers gave me inexpressible satisfaction; several of our +nobility honoured me with their names, and others, my patrons, were of the +very first class of literature. Nevertheless, I encountered much +contumelious reception; and after an irksome and unavailing perseverance +of a month's continuance, I was at last compelled to relinquish all hope +of success. +</p> +<p> +“Having then on my list the name of a very worthy Alderman who lately +filled the Civic Chair with honour to himself and advantage to his +fellow-citizens, I submitted my prospectus in an evil hour to another +Alderman, a baronet, of this here and that there notoriety! +</p> +<p> +“Waiting in his Banking-house the result of my application, he +condescended to stalk forth from the holy of holies, his inner room, with +the lofty demeanour of conscious importance, when, in the presence of his +Clerks and others, doubtless to their great edification and amusement, the +following colloquy ensued, bearing in his hand my unlucky Prospectus, with +a respectful epistle which had accompanied it:— +</p> +<p> +“Are you the writer,” he asked in a majesterial tone, “of this here +letter?” + </p> +<p> +“I am, Sir W*****m, unfortunately!” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” he continued, “you may take them there papers back again, I have +no time to read Prospectuses, and so Mister Poet my compliments, and good +morning to you!!!” + </p> +<p> +“These literally were his words; and such was the astounding effect they +produced on my mind, that, although I had meant to have passed through the +Royal Exchange, I yet, in the depth of my reverie, wandered I knew not +where, and, before recovering my recollection, found myself in the centre +of London Bridge!” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[349]</span> The detail of this fact, so +characteristic of rude, ungentlemanly manners, and the barbarian ignorance +of this great man of little soul, excited against him, with Dashall and +his friend, a mingled feeling of ridicule, contempt and reprobation! +</p> +<p> +“Real Life in London still!” exclaimed Talltho; “intellect and indigence +in a garret, and wealth and ignorance in a banking-house!—I would at +least have given him, in deficiency of other means, the wholesome +castigation of reproof.” + </p> +<p> +“I did,” said the Poet, “stung to the quick by such unmerited contumely, I +retired to my attic, and produced a philippic named the Recantation: I +cannot accommodate you at present with a copy of the Poem, but the +concluding stanzas I can repeat from memory:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“C****s, thy house in Lombard Street +Affords thee still employment meet, +Thy consequence retaining; +For there thy Partners and thy Clerks +Must listen to thy sage remarks, +Subservient, uncomplaining. + +And rob'd in Aldermanic gown, +With look and language all thy own, +Thou mak'st thy hearers stare, +When this here cause, so wisely tried, +Thou put'st with self-applause aside, +To wisely try that there. + +Nor can thy brother Cits forget +When thou at civic banquet sate, +And ask'd of Heaven a boon, +A toast is call'd, on thee all eyes +Intent, when peals of laughter rise— +A speedy peace and soon! + +Nor yet orthography nor grammar, +Vain effort on thy pate to hammer, +Impregnable that fort is! +Witness thy toast again,—Three Cs; +For who would think that thou by these +Meant Cox, and King, and Curtis +C****s, though scant thy sense, yet Heaven +To thee the better boon hast given +Or wealth—then sense despise, +And deem not Fate's decrees amiss, +For still “where ignorance is bliss +?Tis folly to be wise!” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[350]</span> “Bravo!” exclaimed Dashall; “re-issue +your Prospectus, my friend, and we will accelerate, with our best interest +and influence, the publication of your volume. Let it be dedicated to the +Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin Bob Tallyho. In the meanwhile, accept this +trifle, as a complimentary <i>douceur</i> uniformly given on such +occasions; and, amidst the varied scenes of Real Life in London, I shall +frequently recur to the present as the most gratifying to my feelings.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“By this the sun was out of sight, +And darker gloamin brought the night.” + </div> +<p> +The benevolent associates now departed, pleased with the occurrences of +the day, and, more than all, with the last, wherein the opportunity was +afforded them of extending consolation and relief to genius in adversity!<span +class="pagenum">[351]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0006"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +........"Mark! +He who would cut the knot that does entwine +And link two loving hearts in unison, +May have man's form; but at his birth, be sure on't, +Some devil thrust sweet nature's hand aside +Ere she had pour'd her balm within his breast, +To warm his gross and earthly mould with pity. + +.......I know what 'tis +When worldly knaves step in with silver beards, +To poison bliss, and pluck young souls asunder.” + </div> +<p> +TOM and his Cousin were surprised the next morning by a visit from Mr. +Mortimer and his friend Merrywell, whose dismal features and long visages +plainly indicated some unpleasant disaster, and Tom began to fear blame +would be attached to them for leaving his party at Darkhouse Lane. +</p> +<p> +“Pray,” said Merrywell, “can you tell me where to find your friend +Sparkle?” + </p> +<p> +“Indeed,” replied Dashall, a little relieved by this question, “I am not +Sparkle's keeper; but pray be seated—what is the matter, is it a +duel, do you want a second?—I know he is a good shot.” + </p> +<p> +“This levity, Sir,” said Mortimer, “is not to be borne. The honour of a +respectable family is at stake, and must be satisfied. No doubt you, as +his very oldest friend, know where he is; and I desire you will +immediately inform me, or———” + </p> +<p> +“Sir,” said Dashall, who was as averse as unused to be desired by any +person—“do you know whom you address, and that I am in my own house? +if you do, you have certainly discarded all propriety of conduct and +language before you cross'd the threshold.” + </p> +<p> +“Gentlemen,” said Merrywell, “perhaps some explanation is really necessary +here. My friend Mortimer speaks under agonized feelings, for which, I am +sure, your good sense will make every allowance. Miss Mortimer———” + </p> +<p> +“Miss Mortimer,” exclaimed Dashall, rising from his <span class="pagenum">[352]</span> +seat, “you interest me strongly, say, what of Miss Mortimer?” + </p> +<p> +“Alas,” said Mortimer, evidently endeavouring to suppress emotions which +appeared to agitate his whole frame, and absorb every mental faculty, “we +are unable to account for her absence, and strongly suspect she is in +company with your friend Sparkle—can you give us any information +relative to either of them?” + </p> +<p> +Dashall assured them he knew nothing of the fugitives, but that he would +certainly make every inquiry in his power, if possible to find out +Sparkle. Upon which they departed, though not without hinting they +expected Tom had the power of making a search more effectually than either +Mortimer or Merrywell. +</p> +<p> +“Egad!” said Tom to Tallyho, “this absence of Sparkle means something more +than I can at present conceive; and it appears that we must now venture +forth in search of our guide. I hope he has taken a good direction +himself.” + </p> +<p> +“Mortimer appears hurt,” continued Bob, “and I can scarcely wonder at it.” + </p> +<p> +“It is a trifle in high life now-a-days,” replied Dashall, “and my life +for it we shall obtain some clue to his mode of operation before the day +is out. Love is a species of madness, and oftentimes induces extraordinary +movements. I have discovered its existence in his breast for some time +past, and if he is really with the lady, I wonder myself that he has not +given some sort of intimation; though I know he is very cautious in laying +his plans, and very tenacious of admitting too many persons to know his +intentions, for fear of some indiscreet friend unintentionally frustrating +his designs.” + </p> +<p> +“I apprehend we shall have a wild-goose chase of it,” rejoined Bob. +</p> +<p> +“It serves however,” continued Tom, “to diversify our peregrinations; and +if it is his pleasure to be in love, we will endeavour to chase pleasure +in pursuit of the Lover, and if guided by honourable motives, which I +cannot doubt, we will wish him all the success he can wish himself, only +regretting that we are deprived of his agreeable company. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Still free as air the active mind will rove, +And search out proper objects for its love; +But that once fix'd, 'tis past the pow'r of art +To chase the dear idea from the heart. +?Tis liberty of choice that sweetens life, +Makes the glad husband and the happy wife.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[353]</span> “But come, let us forth and see how the +land lies; many persons obtain all their notoriety from an elopement; it +makes a noise in the world, and even though frequently announced in our +newspapers under fictitious titles, the parties soon become known and are +recollected ever after; and some even acquire fame by the insertion of a +paragraph announcing an elopement, in which they insinuate that themselves +are parties; so that an elopement in high life may be considered as one of +the sure roads to popularity.” + </p> +<p> +“But not always a safe one,” replied Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Life is full of casualties,” rejoined Dashall, “and you are by this time +fully aware that it requires something almost beyond human foresight to +continue in the line of safety, while you are in pursuit of Real Life in +London. Though it may fairly be said, 'That all the world's a stage, and +all the men and women merely passengers,' still they have their inside and +their outside places, and each man in his time meets with strange +adventures. It may also very properly be termed a Camera Obscura, +reflecting not merely trees, sign-posts, houses, &c. but the human +heart in all its folds, its feelings, its passions, and its motives. In it +you may perceive conceit flirting its fan—arrogance adjusting its +cravat—pedantry perverting its dictionary—vacuity humming a +tune—vanity humming his neighbour—cunning shutting his eyes +while listening to a pedagogue—and credulity opening his eyes and +ears, willing and anxious to be deceived and duped.” + </p> +<p> +“It is a strange world, indeed,” said Tallyho; “and of all that I have +ever heard or seen, this London of your's is the most extraordinary part.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“This world is a well-cover'd table, +Where guests are promiscuously set; +We all eat as long as we're able, +And scramble for what we can get—” + </div> +<p> +answered his Cousin; “in fact, it is like every thing, and at the same +time like nothing—<span class="pagenum">[354]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The world is all nonsense and noise, +Fantoccini, or Ombres Chinoises, +Mere pantomime mummery +Puppet-show flummery; +A magical lantern, confounding the sight; + +Like players or puppets, we move +On the wires of ambition and love; +Poets write wittily, +Maidens look prettily, +?Till death drops the curtain +—all's over—good night!” + </div> +<p> +By this time they were at Long's, where, upon inquiry, all trace of +Sparkle had been lost for two days. All was mystery and surprise, not so +much that he should be absent, as that his servant could give no account +of him, which was rather extraordinary. Tom ascertained, however, that no +suspicion appeared to have been excited as to Miss Mortimer, and, with +commendable discretion, avoided expressing a word which could create such +an idea, merely observing, that most likely he had taken an unexpected +trip into the country, and would be heard of before the day was out. +</p> +<p> +On leaving Long's however they were met again by Mortimer in breathless +anxiety, evidently labouring under some new calamity. +</p> +<p> +“I am glad I have found you,” said he, addressing himself to Dashall; “for +I am left in this d———d wilderness of a place without a +friend to speak to.” + </p> +<p> +“How,” inquired Ton, “what the d———l is the matter with +you?” + </p> +<p> +“Why, you must know that Merry well is gone—” + </p> +<p> +“Gone—where to?” + </p> +<p> +“To—to—zounds, I've forgot the name of the people; but two +genteel looking fellows just now very genteely told him he was wanted, and +must come.” + </p> +<p> +“Indeed!” + </p> +<p> +“Yes, and he told me to find you out, and let you know that he must become +a bencher; and, without more todo, walked away with his new friends, +leaving me forlorn enough. My Sister run away, my Uncle run after her—Sparkle +absent, and Merrywell—” + </p> +<p> +“In the hands of the Nab-men—I see it all clear enough; and you have +given a very concise, but comprehensive picture of your own situation; but +don't despair, man, you will yet find all right, be assured; put yourself +under my guidance, let the world wag as it will; it is useless to torment +yourself with things you cannot prevent or cure. +</p> +<p> +“The right end of life is to live and be jolly.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[355]</span> Mortimer scarcely knew how to relish +this advice, and seemed to doubt within himself whether it was meant +satirically or feelingly, till Dashall whispered in his ear a caution not +to betray the circumstances that had transpired, for his Sister's sake. +“But,” continued he, “I never suffer these things, which are by no means +uncommon in London, to interfere with my pursuits, though we are all +somewhat at a loss. However, as the post is in by this time, some news may +be expected, and we will call at home before we proceed any further.—Where +do you think the Colonel is gone to?” + </p> +<p> +“Heaven only knows,” replied Mortimer; “the whole family is in an uproar +of surmise and alarm,—what may be the end of it I know not.” + </p> +<p> +“A pretty breeze Master Sparkle has kick'd up, indeed,” continued Tom; +“but I have for some time noticed an alteration in him. He always was a +gay trump, and whenever I find him seriously inclined, I suspect some +mischief brewing; for rapid transitions always wear portentous +appearances, and your serious files are generally sly dogs. My life for it +they have stolen a march upon your Uncle, queered some country Parson, and +are by this time snugly stowed away in the harbour of matrimony. As for +Merrywell, I dare be sworn his friends will take care of him.” + </p> +<p> +Expectation was on tiptoe as Dashall broke the seal of a letter that was +handed to him on arrival at home. Mortimer was on the fidget, and Tallyho +straining his neck upon the full stretch of anxiety to hear the news, when +Dashall burst into a laugh, but in which neither of the others could join +in consequence of not knowing the cause of it. In a few minutes however +the mystery was in some degree explained. +</p> +<p> +“Here,” said Tom, “is news—extraordinary news—an official +dispatch from head-quarters, but without any information as to where the +tents are pitched. It is but a short epistle.” He then read aloud, +</p> +<p> +“Dear Dashall, +</p> +<p> +“Please inform the Mortimer family and friends that all's well. +</p> +<p> +Your's truly, +</p> +<p> +C. Sparkle.” + </p> +<p> +Then handing the laconic epistle to Mortimer—“I trust,” said he, +“you will now be a little more at ease.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[356]</span> Mortimer eagerly examined the letter +for the postmark, but was not able to make out from whence it came. +</p> +<p> +“I confess,” said he, “I am better satisfied than I was, but am yet at a +loss to judge of the motives which have induced them to pursue so strange +a course.” + </p> +<p> +“The motive,” cried Tom, “that may be easily explained; and I doubt not +but you will find, although it may at present appear a little mysterious, +Sparkle will be fully able to shew cause and produce effect. He is however +a man of honour and of property, and most likely we may by this time +congratulate you upon the change of your Sister's name. What a blaze it +will make, and she will now most certainly become a sparkling subject. +Hang it, man, don't look so dull upon a bright occasion. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“To prove pleasure but pain, some have hit on a project, +We're duller the merrier we grow, +Exactly the same unaccountable logic +That talks of cold fire and warm snow. + +For me, born by nature +For humour and satire, +I sing and I roar and I quaff; +Each muscle I twist it, +I cannot resist it, +A finger held up makes me laugh. + +For since pleasure's joy's parent, and joy begets mirth, +Should the subtlest casuist or sophist on earth +Contradict me, I'd call him an ass and a calf, +And boldly insist once for all, +That the only criterion of pleasure's to laugh, +And sing tol de rol, loi de rol lol.” + </div> +<p> +This mirth of Dash all's did not seem to be in consonance with the +feelings of Mortimer, who hastily took his departure. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom to his Cousin, “having gained some information respecting +one friend, we will now take a stroll through Temple Bar, and have a peep +at Merrywell; he may perhaps want assistance in his present situation, +though I will answer for it he is in a place of perfect security.” + </p> +<p> +“How,” said Bob—“what do you mean?” + </p> +<p> +“Mean, why the traps have nibbled him. He is arrested, and gone to a +lock-up shop, a place of mere accommodation for gentlemen to take up their +abode, for the purpose of <span class="pagenum">[357]</span> arranging +their affairs, and where they can uninterruptedly make up their minds +whether to give bail, put in appearance and defend the suit, or take a +trip to Abbott's Priory; become a three months' student in the college of +art, and undergo the fashionable ceremony of white-washing.” + </p> +<p> +“I begin to understand you now,” said Bob, “and the only difference +between our two friends is, that one has willingly put on a chain for life—” + </p> +<p> +“And the other may in all probability (continued Tom,) have to chaff his +time away with a chum—perhaps not quite so agreeable, though it +really is possible to be very comfortable, if a man can reconcile himself +to the loss of liberty, even in “durance vile.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they were walking leisurely along Piccadilly, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“And marching without any cumbersome load, +They mark'd every singular sight on the road.” + </div> +<p> +“Who is that meagre looking man and waddling woman, who just passed us?” + inquired Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“An old Bencher,” was the reply; “there you see all that is left of a man +of <i>haut ton</i>, one who has moved in the highest circles; but alas! +bad company and bad play have reduced him to what he now is. He has cut up +and turn'd down very well among the usurers and attornies; but it is +impossible to say of him, as of his sirloin of a wife (for she cannot be +called a rib, or at all events a spare rib) that there is any thing like +cut and come again. The poor worn-out Exquisite tack'd himself to his +Lady, to enable him to wipe out a long score, and she determined on taking +him for better for worse, after a little rural felicity in a walk to have +her fortune told by a gipsy at Norwood. He is now crippled in pocket and +person, and wholly dependent upon bounty for the chance of prolonging a +miserable existence. His game is up. But what is life but a game, at which +every one is willing to play? one wins and another loses: why there have +been as many moves among titled persons, Kings, Queens, Bishops, Lords and +Knights, within the last century, as there are in a game at chess. Pawns +have been taken and restored in all classes, from the Sovereign, who pawns +or loses his crown, to the Lady whose reputation is in pawn, and becomes +at last not worth half a crown. Shuffling, cutting, dealing out and <span +class="pagenum">[358]</span> dealing in, double dealing and double faces, +have long been the order of the day. Some men's cards are all trumps, +whilst others have <i>carte blanche</i>; some honours count, whilst others +stand for nothing. For instance, did not the little man who cast up his +final accounts a short time back at St. Helena, like a Corsican conjurer, +shuffle and cut about among kings and queens, knaves and asses, (aces I +mean) dealing out honours when he liked, and taking trumps as he thought +fit?—did he not deal and take up again almost as he pleased, having +generally an honour in his sleeve to be played at command, or <i>un roi +dans le marche</i>; by which cheating, it was scarcely possible for any +one to get fair play with him, till, flushed by success, and not knowing +how to bear his prosperity, he played too desperately and too long? The +tables were turned upon him, and his enemies cheated him, first of his +liberty, and ultimately of his life.” + </p> +<p> +At this moment Tallyho, who was listening in close attention to his +Cousin, struck his foot against a brown paper parcel which rolled before +him.—“Hallo!” exclaimed he, “what have we here?—somebody has +dropped a prize.” + </p> +<p> +“It is mine, Sir,” said an old woman, dropping them a curtsey with a smile +which shone through her features, though thickly begrimed with snuff. +</p> +<p> +“A bite,” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“I dropp'd it from my pocket, Sir, just now.” + </p> +<p> +“And pray,” inquired Tom, “what does it contain?” picking it up. +</p> +<p> +“Snuff, Sir,” was the reply; “a kind, good-hearted Gentleman gave it to me—God +bless him, and bless your Honour too!” with an additional smile, and a +still lower curtsey. +</p> +<p> +Upon examining the paper, which had been broken by the kick, Tom +perceived, that by some magic or other, the old woman's snuff had become +sugar. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds!” said he, “they have played some trick upon you, and given you +brimstone instead of snuff, or else you are throwing dust in our eyes.” + </p> +<p> +The parcel, which contained a sample of sugar, was carefully rolled up +again and tied, then dropped to be found by any body else who chose to +stoop for it. +</p> +<p> +“This,” said Dashall, “does not turn out to be what I first expected; for +the practices of ring and money <span class="pagenum">[359]</span> +dropping{1} have, at various times, been carried on with great success, +and to the serious injury of the unsuspecting. The persons who generally +apply themselves to this species of cheating are no other than gamblers +who ingeniously contrive, by dropping a purse or a ring, to draw in some +customer with a view to induce him to play; and notwithstanding their arts +have frequently been exposed, we every now and then hear of some flat +being done by these sharps, and indeed there are constantly customers in +London to be had one way or another.” + </p> +<p> +“Then you had an idea that that parcel was a bait of this kind,” rejoined +Bob. +</p> +<p> +“I did,” replied his Cousin; “but it appears to be a legitimate letter +from some industrious mechanic to his friend, and is a curious specimen of +epistolary correspondence; and you perceive there was a person ready to +claim it, which conspired rather to confirm my suspicions, being a little +in the style of the gentry I have alluded to. They vary their mode of +proceeding according to situation and circumstance. Your money-dropper +contrives to find his own property, as if by chance. He picks up the purse +with an exclamation of 'Hallo! what have we here?—Zounds! if here is +not a prize—I'm in rare luck to-day—Ha, ha, ha, let's have a +peep at it—it feels heavy, and no doubt is worth having.' While he +is examining its contents, up comes his confederate, who claims a share on +account of having been present at the finding. 'Nay, nay,' replies the +finder, 'you are not in it. This Gentleman is the only person that was +near me—was not you, Sir? 'By this means the novice is induced to +assent, or perhaps assert his prior claim. The finder declares, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The practice of ring-dropping is not wholly confined to +London, as the following paragraph from the Glasgow Courier, +a very short time ago, will sufficiently prove:—'On Monday +afternoon, when three Highland women, who had been employed +at a distance from home in the harvest, were returning to +their habitations, they were accosted by a fellow who had +walked out a short way with them, 'till he picked up a pair +of ear-rings and a key for a watch. The fellow politely +informed the females that they should have half the value of +the articles, as they were in his company when they were +found. While they were examining them, another fellow came +up, who declared at once they were gold, and worth at least +thirty shillings. After some conversation, the women were +induced to give fifteen shillings for the articles, and came +and offered them to a watch-maker for sale, when they +learned to their mortification that they were not worth +eighteen pence!' +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[360]</span> that sooner than have any dispute about +it, he will divide the contents in three parts; recommends an adjournment +to a public-house in the neighbourhood, to wet the business and drink over +their good luck. This being consented to, the leading points are +accomplished. The purse of course is found to contain counterfeit money—Flash-screens +or Fleet-notes,{1} and the division cannot well be made without change can +be procured. Now comes the touch-stone. The Countryman, for such they +generally contrive to inveigle, is perhaps in cash, having sold his hay, +or his cattle, tells them he can give change; which being understood, the +draught-board, cards, or la bagatelle, are introduced, and as the job is a +good one, they can afford to sport some of their newly-acquired wealth in +this way. They drink and play, and fill their grog again. The Countryman +bets; if he loses, he is called upon to pay; if he wins, 'tis added to +what is coming to him out of the purse. +</p> +<p> +“If, after an experiment or two, they find he has but little money, or +fight shy, they bolt, that is, brush off in quick time, leaving him to +answer for the reckoning. But if he is what they term well-breeched, and +full of cash, they stick to him until he is cleaned out,{2} make him +drunk, and, if he turns restive, they mill him. If he should be an easy +cove,{3} he perhaps give them change for their flash notes, or counterfeit +coin, and they leave him as soon as possible, highly pleased with his +fancied success, while they laugh in their sleeves at the dupe of their +artifice.” + </p> +<p> +“And is it possible?” inquired Tallyho— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Can such things be, and overcome us +Like a summer's cloud?” + </div> +<p> +“Not without our special wonder,” continued Dashall; “but such things have +been practised. Then again, your ring-droppers, or practisers of the +fawney rig, are more cunning in their manoeuvres to turn their wares into +the ready blunt.{4} The pretending to find a ring being one of the meanest +and least profitable exercises of their ingenuity, it forms a part of +their art to find articles of much more +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Flash-screens or Fleet-notes—Forged notes. + +2 Cleaned out—Having lost all your money. + +3 Easy cove—One whom there is no difficulty in gulling. + +4 Ready blunt—Cash in hand. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[361]</span> value, such as rich jewelry, broaches, +ear-rings, necklaces set with diamonds, pearls, &c. sometimes made +into a paper parcel, at others in a small neat red morocco case, in which +is stuck a bill of parcels, giving a high-flown description of the +articles, and with an extravagant price. Proceeding nearly in the same way +as the money-droppers with the dupe, the finder proposes, as he is rather +short of <i>steeven</i>,{1} to <i>swap</i>{2}his share for a comparatively +small part of the value stated in the bill of parcels: and if he succeeds +in obtaining one-tenth of that amount in hard cash, his triumph is +complete; for, upon examination, the diamonds turn out to be nothing but +paste—the pearls, fishes' eyes—and the gold is merely polished +brass gilt, and altogether of no value. But this cannot be discovered +beforehand, because the <i>bilk</i>{3} is in a hurry, can't spare time to +go to a shop to have the articles valued, but assures his intended victim, +that, as they found together, he should like to <i>smack the bit</i>,{4 +}without <i>blowing the gap</i>,{5} and so help him G—d, the thing +wants no <i>buttering up</i>,{6} because he is willing to give his share +for such a trifle.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Steeven—A flash term for money. + +2 Swap—To make an exchange, to barter one article for +another. + +3 A swindler or cheat. + +4 Smack the bit—To share the booty. + +5 Blowing the gap—Making any thing known. + +6 Buttering up—Praising or flattering. +</div> +<p> +This conversation was suddenly interrupted by a violent crash just behind +them, as they passed Drury Lane Theatre in their way through Bussel Court; +and Bob, upon turning to ascertain from whence such portentous sounds +proceeded, discovered that he had brought all the Potentates of the Holy +Alliance to his feet. The Alexanders, the Caesars, the Buonapartes, +Shakespeares, Addisons and Popes, lay strewed upon the pavement, in one +undistinguished heap, while a poor Italian lad with tears in his eyes +gazed with indescribable anxiety on the shapeless ruin—' Vat shall +me do?—dat man knock him down—all brokt—you pay—Oh! +mine Godt, vat shall do! ' This appeal was made to Dashall and Tallyho, +the latter of whom the poor Italian seemed to fix upon as the author of +his misfortune in upsetting his board of plaster images; and although he +was perfectly unconscious of the accident, the appeal of the vender of +great personages had its desired effect upon them both; and <span +class="pagenum">[362]</span> finding themselves quickly surrounded by +spectators, they gave him some silver, and then pursued their way. +</p> +<p> +“These men,” said Dashall, “are generally an industrious and hard-living +people; they walk many miles in the course of a day to find sale for their +images, which they will rather sell at any price than carry back with them +at night; and it is really wonderful how they can make a living by their +traffic.” + </p> +<p> +“Ha, ha, ha,” said a coarse spoken fellow following—“how the Jarman +Duck diddled the Dandies just now—did you twig how he queered the +coves out of seven bob for what was not worth <i>thrums.</i>{1} The <i>Yelper</i>{2} +did his duty well, and finger'd the <i>white wool</i>{3} in good style. +I'm d———d if he was not up to slum, and he whiddied +their wattles with the velvet, and floored the town toddlers easy enough.” + </p> +<p> +“How do you mean?” said his companion. +</p> +<p> +“Why you know that foreign blade is an ould tyke about this quarter, and +makes a good deal of money—many a <i>twelver</i>{4} does he get by +buying up broken images of persons who sell them by wholesale, and he of +course gets them for little or nothing: then what does he do but dresses +out his board, to give them the best appearance he can, and toddles into +the streets, <i>touting</i>{5} for a good customer. The first genteel bit +of flash he meets that he thinks will dub up the possibles,{6} he dashes +down the board, breaks all the broken heads, and appeals in a pitiful way +for remuneration for his loss; so that nine times out of ten he gets some +Johnny-raw or other to stump up the rubbish.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds!” said Dashall, “these fellows are smoking us; and, in the midst +of my instructions to guard you against the abuses of the Metropolis, we +have ourselves become the dupes of an impostor.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Thrums—A flash term for threepence. + +2 The Yelper—A common term given to a poor fellow subject, +who makes very pitiful lamentations on the most trifling +accidents. + +3 White wool—Silver. + +4 Twelver—A shilling. + +5 Touting—Is to be upon the sharp look out. + +6 To dub up the possibles—To stand the nonsense—are nearly +synonimous, and mean—will pay up any demand rather than be +detained. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[363]</span> “Well,” said Tallyho, “it is no more +than a practical illustration of your own observation, that it is scarcely +possible for any person to be at all times secure from the arts and +contrivances of your ingenious friends the Londoners; though I confess I +was little in expectation of finding you, as an old practitioner, so +easily let in.” + </p> +<p> +“It is not much to be wondered at,” continued Tom, “for here we are in the +midst of the very persons whose occupations, if such they may be termed, +ought most to be avoided; for Covent Garden, and Drury Lane, with their +neighbourhoods, are at all times infested with swindlers, sharpers, +whores, thieves, and depredators of all descriptions, for ever on the look +out. It is not long since a man was thrown from a two-pair of stairs +window in Charles Street,{1} which is just by, having been decoyed into a +house of ill fame by a Cyprian, and this in a situation within sight of +the very Police Office itself in Bow Street!” + </p> +<p> +“Huzza! ha, ha, ha, there he goes,” vociferated by a variety of voices, +now called their attention, and put an end to their conversation; and the +appearance of a large concourse of people running up Drury Lane, engrossed +their notice as they approached the other end of Russel Court. +</p> +<p> +On coming up with the crowd, they found the cause of the vast assemblage +of persons to be no other than a Quaker{2} decorated with a tri-coloured +cockade, who was +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A circumstance of a truly alarming and distressing nature, +to which Dashall alluded in this place, was recently made +known to the public in the daily journals, and which should +serve as a lesson to similar adventurers. + +It appeared that a young man had been induced to enter a +house of ill fame in Charles Street, Covent Garden, by one +of its cyprian inmates, to whom he gave some money in order +for her to provide them with supper; that, upon her return, +he desired to have the difference between what he had given +and what she had expended returned to him, which being +peremptorily refused, he determined to leave the house. On +descending the stair-case for which purpose, he was met by +some men, with whom he had a violent struggle to escape; +they beat and bruised him most unmercifully, and afterwards +threw him from a two-pair of stairs window into the street, +where he was found by the Watchman with his skull fractured, +and in a state of insensibility. We believe all attempts +have hitherto proved fruitless to bring the actual +perpetrator or perpetrators of this diabolical deed to +punishment. + +2 Bow-street.—Thursday morning an eccentric personage, who +has for some time been seen about the streets of the +Metropolis in the habit of a Quaker, and wearing the tri- +coloured cockade in his broad white hat, made his appearance +at the door of this office, and presenting a large packet to +one of the officers, desired him, in a tone of authority, to +lay it instantly before the Magistrate. The Magistrate (G. +R. Minshull, Esq.) having perused this singular paper, +inquired for the person who brought it; and in the next +moment a young man, in the garb of a Quaker, with a broad- +brimmed, peaceful-looking, drab-coloured beaver on his +head, surmounted by a furious tri-coloured cockade, was +brought before him. This strange anomalous ' personage +having placed himself very carefully directly in front of +the bench, smiled complacently upon his Worship, and the +following laconic colloquy ensued forthwith:— + +Magistrate—Did you bring this letter? + +Quaker—Thou hast said it. + +Magistrate—-What is your object in bringing it? + +Quaker—Merely to let thee know what is going on in the +world—and, moreover, being informed that if I came to thy +office, I should be taken into custody, I was desiroiis to +ascertain whether that information was true. + +Magistrate—Then I certainly shall not gratify you by +ordering you into custody. + +Quaker—Thou wilt do as seemeth right in thy eyes. I assure +thee I have no inclination to occupy thy time longer than is +profitable to us, and therefore I will retire whenever thou +shalt signify that my stay is unpleasant to thee. + +Magistrate—Why do you wear your hat?—are you a Quaker? + +Quaker—Thou sayest it—but that is not my sole motive for +wearing it. To be plain with thee, I wear it because I chose +to do so. Canst thee tell me of any law which compels me +to take it off? + +Magistrate—I'll tell you what, friend, I would seriously +recommend you to retire from this place as speedily as +possible. + +Quaker—I take thy advice—farewell. + +Thus ended this comical conversation, and the eccentric +friend immediately departed in peace. + +The brother of the above person attended at the office on +Saturday, and stated that the Quaker is insane, that he was +proprietor of an extensive farm near Ryegate, in Surrey, for +some years; but that in May last his bodily health being +impaired, he was confined for some time, and on his recovery +it was found that his intellects were affected, and he was +put under restraint, but recovered. Some time since he +absconded from Ryegate, and his friends were unable to +discover him, until they saw the account of his eccen- +tricities in the newspapers. Mr. Squire was desirous, if he +made his appearance again at the office, he should be +detained. The Magistrate, as a cause for the detention of +the Quaker, swore the brother to these facts. About three +o'clock the Quaker walked up Bow-street, when an officer +conducted him to the presence of the Magistrate, who +detained him, and at seven o'clock delivered him into the +care of his brother. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[365]</span> very quietly walking with a Police +Officer, and exhibiting a caricature of himself mounted on a velocipede, +and riding over corruption, &c. It was soon ascertained that he had +accepted an invitation from one of the Magistrates of Bow Street to pay +him a visit, as he had done the day before, and was at that moment going +before him. +</p> +<p> +“I apprehend he is a little cracked,” said Tom; “but however that may be, +he is a very harmless sort of person. But come, we have other game in +view, and our way lies in a different direction to his.” + </p> +<p> +“Clothes, Sir, any clothes to-day?” said an importunate young fellow at +the corner of one of the courts, who at the same time almost obstructed +their passage. +</p> +<p> +Making their way as quickly as they could from this very pressing +personage, who invited them to walk in. +</p> +<p> +“This,” said Tom, “is what we generally call a <i>Barker</i>. I believe +the title originated with the Brokers in Moor-fields, where men of this +description parade in the fronts of their employers' houses, incessantly +pressing the passengers to walk in and buy household furniture, as they do +clothes in Rosemary Lane, Seven Dials, Field Lane, Houndsditch, and +several other parts of the town. Ladies' dresses also used to be barked in +Cranbourn Alley and the neighbourhood of Leicester Fields; however, the +nuisance has latterly in some measure abated. The Shop-women in that part +content themselves now-a-days by merely inviting strangers to look at +their goods; but Barkers are still to be found, stationed at the doors of +Mock Auctions, who induce company to assemble, by bawling “Walk in, the +auction is now on,” or “Just going to begin.” Of these mock auctions, +there have been many opened of an evening, under the imposing glare of +brilliant gas lights, which throws an unusual degree of lustre upon the +articles put up for sale. It is not however very difficult to distinguish +them from the real ones, notwithstanding they assume all the exterior +appearances of genuineness, even up to advertisements in the newspapers, +purporting to be held in the house of a person lately gone away under +embarrassed circumstances, or deceased. They are denominated Mock +Auctions, because no real intention exists on the part of the sellers to +dispose of their articles under a certain price previously fixed upon, +which, although it may not be high, is invariably more than they are +actually worth: besides which, they may be easily discovered by the +anxiety they evince to show the goods to strangers at +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[366]</span>the moment they enter, never failing to +bestow over-strained panegyrics upon every lot they put up, and asking +repeatedly—“What shall we say for this article? a better cannot be +produced;” and promising, if not approved of when purchased, to change it. +The Auctioneer has a language suited to all companies, and, according to +his view of a customer, can occasionally jest, bully, or perplex him into +a purchase.—“The goods must be sold at what they will fetch;” and he +declares (notwithstanding among his confederates, who stand by as bidders, +they are run up beyond the real value, in order to catch a flat,) that +“the present bidding can never have paid the manufacturer for his labour.” + </p> +<p> +In such places, various articles of silver, plate, glass and household +furniture are exposed to sale, but generally made up of damaged materials, +and slight workmanship of little intrinsic value, for the self-same +purpose as the Razor-seller states— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Friend, (cried the Razor-man) I'm no knave; +As for the razors you have bought, +Upon my soul! I never thought +That they would shave.” + +“Not shave!” quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes, +And voice not much unlike an Indian yell; +“What were they made for then, you dog?” he cries. +“Made! (quoth the fellow with a smile) to sell.” + </div> +<p> +Passing the end of White Horse Yard—“Here,” continued Tom, “in this +yard and the various courts and alleys which lead into it, reside numerous +Girls in the very lowest state of prostitution; and it is dangerous even +in the day time to pass their habitations, at all events very dangerous to +enter any one of them. Do you see the crowd of squalid, half-clad and +half-starved creatures that surround the old woman at the corner?—Observe, +that young thing without a stocking is stealing along with a bottle in one +hand and a gown in the other; she is going to put the latter <i>up the +spout</i>{1} with her +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Up the spout, or up the five—Are synonimous in their +import, and mean the act of pledging property with a +Pawnbroker for the loan of money—most probably derived from +the practice of having a long spout, which reaches from the +top of the house of the Pawn-broker (where the goods are +deposited for safety till redeemed or sold) to the shop, +where they are first received; through which a small bag is +dropped upon the ringing of a bell, which conveys the +tickets or duplicates to a person above stairs, who, upon +finding them, (unless too bulky) saves himself the trouble +and loss of time of coming down stairs, by more readily +conveying them down the spout. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[367]</span> accommodating <i>Uncle,</i>{1} in order +to obtain a little of the enlivening juice of the juniper to fill the +former.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Uncle, sometimes called the Ferrit, or the Flint—Cant +terms for Pawnbroker, though many of these gentlemen now +assume the more reputable appellation of Silversmiths. They +are willing to lend money upon all sorts of articles of +household furniture, linen, plate, wearing apparel, +jewellery, &c. with a certainty of making a very handsome +profit upon the money so circulated. + +There are in this Metropolis upwards of two hundred and +thirty Pawnbrokers, and in some cases they are a useful and +serviceable class of people; and although doubtless many of +them are honest and reputable persons, there are still among +them a class of sharpers and swindlers, who obtain licences +to carry on the business, and bring disgrace upon the +respectable part of the profession. Every species of fraud +which can add to the distresses of those who are compelled +to raise temporary supplies of money is resorted to, and for +which purpose there are abundance of opportunities. In many +instances however the utility of these persons, in +preventing a serious sacrifice of property, cannot be +denied; for, by advancing to tradesmen and mechanics +temporary loans upon articles of value at a period of +necessity, an opportunity of redeeming them is afforded, +when by their industrious exertions their circumstances are +improved. Many of them however are receivers of stolen +good.s, and, under cover of their licence, do much harm to +the public. Indeed, the very easy mode of raising money by +means of the Pawnbrokers, operates as an inducement, or at +least an encouragement, to every species of vice. The +fraudulent tradesman by their means is enabled to raise +money on the goods of his creditors, the servant to pledge +the property of his employer, and the idle or profligate +mechanic to deposit his working tools, or his work in an +unfinished state. Many persons in London are in the habit of +pawning their apparel from Monday morning till Saturday +night, when they are redeemed, in order to make a decent +appearance on the next day. In low neighbourhoods, and among +loose girls, much business is done by Pawnbrokers to good +advantage; and considerable emolument is derived from women +of the town. The articles they offer to pledge are generally +of the most costly nature, and the pilferings of the night +are usually placed in the hands of an Uncle the next +morning; and the wary money-lenders, fully acquainted with +their necessities, just lend what they please; by which +means they derive a wonderful profit, from the almost +certainty of these articles never being redeemed. + +The secresy with which a Pawnbroker's business is conducted, +though very proper for the protection of the honest and +well-meaning part of the population, to shield them from an +exposure which might perhaps prove fatal to their business or +credit, admits of great room for fraud on the part of the +Money-lender; more particularly as it respects the interest +allowed upon the pawns. Many persons are willing to pay any +charge made, rather than expose their necessities by +appearing before a Magistrate, and acknowledging they have +been concerned in such transactions. + +Persons who are in the constant habit of pawning are +generally known by the Pawnbrokers, in most instances +governed by their will, and compelled to take and pay just +what they please. Again, much injury arises from the want of +care in the Pawnbroker to require a proper account, from the +Pledgers, of the manner in which the goods offered have been +obtained, as duplicates are commonly given upon fictitious +names and residences. + +Notwithstanding the care and attention usually paid to the +examination of the articles received as pledges, these +gentlemen are sometimes to be duped by their customers. We +remember an instance of an elderly man, who was in the habit +of bringing a Dutch clock frequently to a Pawnbroker to +raise the wind, and for safety, generally left it in a large +canvass bag, till he became so regular a customer, that his +clock and bag were often left without inspection; and as it +was seldom deposited for long together, it was placed in +some handy nook of the shop in order to lie ready for +redemption. This system having been carried on for some +time, no suspicion was entertained of the old man. Upon one +occasion however the Pawnbroker's olfactory nerves were +saluted with a smell of a most unsavoury nature, for which +he could by no means account—day after day passed, and no +discovery was made, till at length he determined to overhaul +every article in his shop, and if possible discover the +source of a nuisance which appeared rather to increase than +abate: in doing which, to his utter astonishment, he found +the old man's Dutch clock trans-formed into a sheep's head, +enclosed in a small box similar in shape and size to that of +the clock. It will scarcely be necessary to add, that, being +in the heat of summer, the sheep's head when turned out was +in a putrid state, and as green as grass. The Pawn-broker +declared the old gentleman's works were out of repair, that +he himself was out of tune, and eventually pledged himself +never to be so taken in again. After all, however, it must +be acknowledged that my Uncle is a very accommodating man. + +“My Uncle's the man, I've oft said it before, +Who is ready and willing to open his door; +Tho' some on the question may harbour a doubt, +He's a mill to grind money, which I call a spout. +Derry down. + +He has three golden balls which hang over his door, +Which clearly denote that my Uncle's not poor; +He has money to lend, and he's always so kind, +He will lend it to such as leave something behind. +Derry down. + +If to music inclin'd, there's no man can so soon +Set the hooks of your gamut to excellent tune; +All his tickets are prizes most carefully book'd, +And your notes must be good, or you're presently hook'd. +Derry down. + +Shirts, shoes, and flat-irons, hats, towels, and ruffs, +To him are the same as rich satins or stuffs; +From the pillows you lay on, chairs, tables, or sacks, +He'll take all you have, to the togs on your backs. +Derry down. + +Then ye who are needy, repair to your friend, +Who is ready and willing your fortunes to mend; +He's a purse full of rhino, and that's quite enough, +Tho' short in his speech, he can shell out short stuff. +Derry down. + +What a blessing it is, in this place of renown +To know that we have such an Uncle in town; +In all cases, degrees, in all places and stations, +?Tis a good thing to know we've such friendly relations. +Derry down. +</div> +<p> +“Surely,” said Tallyho, “no person could possibly be inveigled by her +charms?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[369]</span> “They are not very blooming just now,” + answered his Cousin—“you do not see her in a right light. It is +impossible to contemplate the cases of these poor creatures without +dropping a tear of pity. Originally seduced from a state of innocence, and +eventually abandoned by their seducers, as well as their well-disposed +parents or friends, they are left at an early age at large upon the world; +loathed and avoided by those who formerly held them in estimation, what +are they to do?—It is said by Shakespeare, that +</p> +<p> +“Sin will pluck on sin.” + </p> +<p> +They seem to have no alternative, but that of continuing in the practice +which they once too fatally begun, in which the major part of them end a +short life of debauchery and wretchedness. +</p> +<p> +“Exposed to the rude insults of the inebriated and the vulgar—the +impositions of brutal officers and watchmen—to the chilling blasts +of the night during the most inclement weather, in thin apparel, partly in +compliance with the fashion of the day, but more frequently from the +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[370]</span> Pawnbroker's shop rendering their +necessary garments inaccessible, diseases (where their unhappy vocation +does not produce them) are thus generated. +</p> +<p> +“Many are the gradations from the highest degree of prostitution down to +the trulls that parade the streets by day, and one or two more steps still +include those who keep out all night. Some of the miserable inhabitants of +this quarter are night-birds, who seldom leave their beds during the day, +except to refresh themselves with a drop of Old Tom; but as the evening +approaches, their business commences, when you will see them decked out +like fine ladies, for there are <i>coves of cases</i>,{1} and others in +the vicinity of the Theatres, who live by letting out dresses for the +evening, where they may be accommodated from a camesa{2} to a richly +embroidered full-dress court suit, under the care of spies, who are upon +the look-out that they don't brush off with the stock. Others, again, are +boarded and lodged by the owners of houses of ill-fame, kept as dirty and +as ragged as beggars all day, but who, +</p> +<p> +“Dress'd out at night, cut a figure.” + </p> +<p> +It however not unfrequently happens to those unhappy Girls who have not +been successful in their pursuits, and do not bring home with them the +wages of their prostitution, that they are sent to bed without supper, and +sometimes get a good beating into the bargain; besides which, the Mistress +of the house takes care to search them immediately after they are left by +their gallants, by which means they are deprived of every shilling.” + </p> +<p> +Approaching the City, they espied a crowd of persons assembled together +round the door of Money the perfumer. Upon inquiring, a species of +depreciation was exposed, which had not yet come under their view. +</p> +<p> +It appeared that a note, purporting to come from a gentleman at the +Tavistock Hotel, desiring Mr. Money to wait on him to take measure of his +cranium for a fashionable peruke, had drawn him from home, and that during +his absence, a lad, in breathless haste, as if dispatched by the +principal, entered the shop, stating that Sir. Money wanted a wig which +was in the window, with some combs and hair-brushes, for the Gentleman's +inspection, and also a pot of his Circassian cream. The bait took, the +articles +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Coves of cases—Keepers of houses of ill fame. + +2 Camesa—A shirt or shift. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[371]</span> were packed up, and the wily cheat had +made good his retreat before the return of the coiffeur, who was not +pleased with being seduced from his home by a hoaxing letter, and less +satisfied to find that his property was diminished in his absence by the +successful artifices of a designing villain. This tale having got wind in +the neighbourhood, persons were flocking round him to advise as to the +mode of pursuit, and many were entertaining each other by relations of a +similar nature; but our heroes having their friend Merrywell in view (or +rather his interest) made the best of their way to the Lock-up-house. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0007"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“The world its trite opinion holds of those +That in a world apart these bars enclose; +And thus methinks some sage, whose wisdom frames +Old saws anew, complacently exclaims, +Debt is like death—it levels all degrees; +Their prey with death's fell grasp the bailiffs seize.” + </div> +<p> +ON entering the Lock-up House, Bob felt a few uneasy sensations at hearing +the key turned. The leary Bum-trap ushered the Gemmen up stairs, while +Tallyho was endeavouring to compose his agitated spirits, and reconcile +himself to the prospect before him, which, at the moment, was not of the +most cheering nature. +</p> +<p> +“What, my gay fellow,” said Merry well, “glad to see you—was just +going to scribble a line to inform you of my disaster. Zounds! you look as +melancholy as the first line of an humble petition, or the author of a new +piece the day after its damnation.” + </p> +<p> +“In truth,” replied Bob, “this is no place to inspire a man with high +spirits.” + </p> +<p> +“That's as it may be,” rejoined Merry well; “a man with money in his +pocket may see as much Real Life in London within these walls as those who +ramble at large through the mazes of what is termed liberty.” + </p> +<p> +“But,” continued Tom, “it must be admitted that the views are more +limited.” + </p> +<p> +“By no means,” was the reply. “Here a man is at perfect liberty to +contemplate and cogitate without fear of being agitated. Here he may trace +over past recollections, and enjoy future anticipations free from the +noise and bustle of crowded streets, or the fatigue of attending +fashionable routs, balls, and assemblies. Besides which, it forms so +important a part of Life in London, that few without a residence in a +place of this kind can imagine its utility. It invigorates genius, +concentrates ingenuity, and stimulates invention.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[373]</span> “Hey dey!” said Tallyho, looking out of +the window, and perceiving a dashing tandem draw up to the door—“who +have we here? some high company, no doubt.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes, you are right; that man in the great coat, who manages his cattle +with such dexterity, is no other than the king of the castle. He is the +major domo, or, in other words, the Bailiff himself. That short, +stout-looking man in boots and buckskins, is his assistant, vulgarly +called his Bum.{1} The other is a Gentleman desirous of lodging in a +genteel neighbourhood, and is recommended by them to take up his residence +here.” + </p> +<p> +“What,” inquired Bob, “do Bailiffs drive gigs and tandems?” + </p> +<p> +“To be sure they do,” was the reply; “formerly they were low-bred fellows, +who would undertake any dirty business for a maintenance, as you will see +them represented in the old prints and caricatures, muffled up in Îreat +coats, and carrying bludgeons; but, in present Real life, you will find +them quite the reverse, unless they find it necessary to assume a disguise +in order to nibble a queer cove who proves shy of their company'; but +among Gentlemen, none are so stylish, and at the same time so +accommodating—you are served with the process in a private and +elegant way, and if not convenient to come to an immediate arrangement, a +gig is ready in the highest taste, to convey you from your habitation to +your place of retirement, and you may pass through the most crowded +streets of the city, and recognise your friends, without fear of +suspicion. Upon some occasions, they will also carry their politeness so +far as to inform an individual he will be wanted on such a day, and must +come—a circumstance which has the effect of preventing any person +from knowing the period of departure, or the place of destination; +consequently, the arrested party is gone out of town for a few days, and +the matter all blows over without any injury sustained. This is the third +time since I have been in the house that the tandem has started from the +door, and returned with a new importation.” + </p> +<p> +By this time, the gig having been discharged of its cargo, was reascended +by the Master and his man, and bowl'd off again in gay style for the +further accommodation of fashionable friends, whose society was in such +high +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 See Bum-trap), page 166. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[374]</span> estimation, that no excuse or denial +could avail, and who being so urgently wanted, must come. +</p> +<p> +“'Tis a happy age we live in,” said Merry well; “the improvements are +evident enough; every thing is done with so much facility and gentility, +that even the race of bailiffs are transformed from frightful and +ferocious-looking persons to the most dashing, polite and accommodating +characters in the world. He however, like others, must have his assistant, +and occasional substitute. +</p> +<p> +“A man in this happy era is really of no use whatever to himself. It is a +principle on which every body, that is any body, acts, that no one should +do any thing for himself, if he can procure another to do it for him. +Accordingly, there is hardly the most simple performance in nature for the +more easy execution of which an operator or machine of some kind' or other +is not employed or invented; and a man who has had the misfortune to lose, +or chuses not to use any of his limbs or senses, may meet with people +ready to perform all their functions for him, from paring his nails and +cutting his corns, to forming an opinion. No man cleans his own teeth who +can afford to pay a dentist; and hundreds get their livelihood by shaving +the chins and combing the hair of their neighbours, though many, it must +be admitted, comb their neighbour's locks for nothing. The powers of man +and the elements of nature even are set aside, the use of limbs and air +being both superseded by steam; in short, every thing is done by proxy—death +not excepted, for we are told that our soldiers and sailors die for us. +Marriage in certain ranks is on this footing. A prince marries by proxy, +and sometimes lives for ever after as if he thought all the obligations of +wedlock were to be performed in a similar manner. A nobleman, it is true, +will here take the trouble to officiate in the first instance in person; +but there are plenty of cases to shew that nothing is further from his +noble mind than the idea of continuing his slavery, while others can be +found to take the labour off his hands. So numerous are the royal roads to +every desideratum, and so averse is every true gentleman from doing any +thing for himself, that it is to be dreaded lest it should grow impolite +to chew one's own victuals; and we are aware that there are great numbers +who, not getting their share of Heaven's provision, may be said to submit +to have their food eat for them.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[375]</span> Tallyho laugh'd, and Dashall signified +his assent to the whimsical observations of Merrywell, by a shrug of the +shoulders and an approving smile. +</p> +<p> +“Apropos,” said Merrywell—“what is the news of our friend Sparkle?” + </p> +<p> +“O, (replied Tom) he is for trying a chance in the Lottery of Life, and +has perhaps by this time gained the prize of Matrimony:{1} but what part +of the globe he inhabits it is impossible for me to say—however, he +is with Miss Mortimer probably on the road to Gretna.” + </p> +<p> +“Success to his enterprise,” continued Merrywell; “and if they are +destined to travel through life together, may they have thumping luck and +pretty children. Marriage to some is a bitter cup of continued misery—may +the reverse be his lot.” + </p> +<p> +“Amen,” responded Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“By the way,” said Merrywell, “I hope you will favour me with your company +for the afternoon, and I doubt not we shall start some game within these +walls well worthy of pursuit; and as I intend to remove to more commodious +apartments within a day or two, I shall certainly expect to have a visit +from you during my abode in the county of Surrey.” + </p> +<p> +“Going to College?” inquired Tom. +</p> +<p> +“Yes; I am off upon a sporting excursion for a month or two, and I have an +idea of making it yield both pleasure and profit. An occasional residence +in Abbot's Park is one of the necessary measures for the completion of a +Real Life in London education. It is a fashionable retreat absolutely +necessary, and therefore I have voluntarily determined upon it. What rare +advice a young man may pick up in the precincts of the Fleet and +</p> +<p> +1 It has often been said figuratively, that marriage is a lottery; but we +do not recollect to have met with a practical illustration of the truth of +the simile before the following, which is a free translation of an +Advertisement in the Louisiana Gazette:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“A young man of good figure and disposition, unable though +“desirous to procure a Wife without the preliminary trouble of +“amassing a fortune, proposes the following expedient to obtain the +“object of his wishes:—He offers himself as the prize of a Lottery +“to all Widows and Virgins under 32: the number of tickets to be +“600 at 50 dollars each; but one number to be drawn from the +“wheel, the fortunate proprietor of which is to be entitled to +“himself and the 30,000 dollars.”—New York, America. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[376]</span> the King's Bench! He may soon learn the +art of sharp-shooting and skirmishing.” + </p> +<p> +“And pray,” says Tallyho, “what do you term skirmishing?” + </p> +<p> +“I will tell you,” was the reply. “When you have got as deeply in debt +every where as you can, you may still remain on the town as a Sunday-man +for a brace of years, and with good management perhaps longer. Next you +may toddle off to Scotland for another twelvemonth, and live in the +sanctuary of Holyrood House, after seeing the North, where writs will not +arrive in time to touch you. When tired of this, and in debt even in the +sanctuary, and when you have worn out all your friends by borrowing of +them to support you in style there, you can brush off on a Sunday to the +Isle of Man, where you are sure to meet a parcel of blades who will be +glad of your company if you are but a pleasant fellow. Here you may live +awhile upon them, and get in debt (if you can, for the Manx-men have very +little faith,) in the Island. From this, you must lastly effect your +escape in an open boat, and make your appearance in London as a new face. +Here you will find some flats of your acquaintance very glad to see you, +even if you are indebted to them, from the pleasures of recollection +accruing from past scenes of jollity and merriment. You must be sure to +amuse them with a good tale of a law-suit, or the declining health of a +rich old Uncle, from either of which you are certain of deriving a second +fortune. Now manage to get arrested, and you will find some, who believe +your story, ready to bail you. You can then put off these actions for two +years more, and afterwards make a virtue of surrendering yourself in order +to relieve your friends, who of course will begin to be alarmed, and feel +so grateful for this supposed mark of propriety, that they will support +you for a while in prison, until you get white-washed. In all this +experience, and with such a long list of acquaintances, it will be hard if +some will not give you a lift at getting over your difficulties. Then you +start again as a nominal Land-surveyor, Money-scrivener, Horse-dealer, or +as a Sleeping-partner in some mercantile concern—such, for instance, +as coals, wine, &c. Your popularity and extensive acquaintance will +get your Partner a number of customers, and then if you don't succeed, you +have only to become a Bankrupt, secure your certificate, and start free +again in some other line. Then <span class="pagenum">[377]</span> there +are other good chances, for a man may marry once or twice. Old or sickly +women are best suited for the purpose, and their fortunes will help you +for a year or two at least, if only a thousand or two pounds. Lastly, make +up a purse» laugh at the flats, and finish on the Continent.” + </p> +<p> +“Very animated description indeed,” cried Dashall, “and salutary advice, +truly.” + </p> +<p> +“Too good to be lost,” continued Merrywell. +</p> +<p> +“And yet rather too frequently acted on, it is to be feared.” + </p> +<p> +“Probably so—” + </p> +<p> +“But mark me, this is fancy's sketch,” and may perhaps appear a little too +highly coloured; but if you remain with me, we will clip deeper into the +reality of the subject by a little information from the official personage +himself, who holds dominion over these premises; and we may perhaps also +find some agreeable and intelligent company in his house.” + </p> +<p> +This proposition being agreed to, and directions given accordingly by +Merrywell to prepare dinner, our party gave loose to opinions of life, +observations on men and mariners, exactly as they presented themselves to +the imagination of each speaker, and Merrywell evidently proved himself a +close observer of character. +</p> +<p> +“Places like this,” said he, “are generally inhabited by the profligate of +fashion, the ingenious artist, or the plodding mechanic. The first is one +who cares not who suffers, so he obtains a discharge from his +incumberances: having figured away for some time in the labyrinths of +folly and extravagance, till finding the needful run taper, he yields to +John Doe and Richard Roe as a matter of course, passes through his degrees +in the study of the laws by retiring to the Fleet or King's Bench, and +returns to the world with a clean face, and an increased stock of +information to continue his career. The second are men who have heads to +contrive and hands to execute improvements in scientific pursuits, +probably exhausting their time, their health, and their property, in the +completion of their projects, but who are impeded in their progress, and +compelled to finish their intentions in durance vile, by the rapacity of +their creditors. And the last are persons subjected to all the casualties +of trade and the arts of the former, and unable to meet the peremptory +demands of <span class="pagenum">[378]</span> those they are indebted to; +but they seldom inhabit these places long, unless they can pay well for +their accommodations. Money is therefore as useful in a lock-up-house or a +prison as in any other situation of life. +</p> +<p> +“Money, with the generality of people, is every thing; it is the universal +Talisman; there is magic in its very name. It ameliorates all the +miserable circumstances of life, and the sound of it may almost be termed +life itself. It is the balm, the comfort, and the restorative. It must +indeed be truly mortifying to the opulent, to observe that the attachment +of their dependents, and even the apparent esteem of their friends, arises +from the respect paid to riches. The vulgar herd bow with reverence and +respect before the wealthy; but it is in fact the money, and not the +individual, which they worship. Doubtless, a philosophic Tallow-chandler +would hasten from the contemplation of the starry heavens to vend a +farthing rushlight; and it therefore cannot be wondered at that the +Sheriffs-officer, who serves you with a writ because you have not money +enough to discharge the just demands against you, should determine at +least to get as much as he can out of you, and, when he finds your +resources exhausted, that he should remove you to the common receptacle of +debtors; which however cannot be done to your own satisfaction without +some money; for if you wish a particular place of residence, or the most +trifling accommodation, there are fees to pay, even on entering a prison.” + </p> +<p> +“In that case then,” said Tallyho, “a man is actually obliged to pay for +going to a prison.” + </p> +<p> +“Precisely so, unless he is willing to mingle with the very lowest order +of society. But come, we will walk into the Coffee-room, and take a view +of the inmates.” + </p> +<p> +Upon entering this, which was a small dark room, they heard a great number +of voices, and in one corner found several of the prisoners surrounding a +Bagatelle-board, and playing for porter, ale, &c; in another corner +was a young man in close conversation with an Attorney; and a little +further distant, was a hard-featured man taking instructions from the +Turnkey how to act. Here was a poor Player, who declared he would take the +benefit of the Act, and afterwards take a benefit at the Theatre to +reestablish himself. There a Poet racking his imagination, and roving +amidst the flowers of fancy, giving a few touches by way of finish to an +Ode to Liberty, with the <span class="pagenum">[379]</span> produce of +which he indulged himself in a hope of obtaining the subject of his Muse. +The conversation was of a mingled nature. The vociferations of the +Bagatelle-players—the whispers of the Attorney and his Client—and +the declarations of the prisoner to the Turnkey, “That he would be d———d +if he did not sarve 'em out, and floor the whole boiling of them,” were +now and then interrupted by the notes of a violin playing the most lively +airs in an animated and tasteful style. The Performer however was not +visible, but appeared to be so near, that Merrywell, who was a great lover +of music, beckoned his friends to follow him. They now entered a small +yard at the back of the house, the usual promenade of those who resided in +it, and found the Musician seated on one of the benches, which were +continued nearly round the yard, and which of itself formed a panorama of +rural scenery. Here was the bubbling cascade and the lofty fountain—there +the shady grove of majestic poplars, and the meandering stream glittering +in the resplendent lustre of a rising sun. The waving foliage however and +the bubbling fountain were not to be seen or heard, (as these beauties +were only to be contemplated in the labours of the painter;) but to make +up for the absence of these with the harmony of the birds and the +ripplings of the stream, the Musician was endeavouring, like an Arcadian +shepherd with his pipe, to make the woods resound with the notes of his +fiddle, surrounded by some of his fellow-prisoners, who did not fail to +applaud his skill and reward his kindness, by supplying him with rosin, as +they termed it, which was by handing him the heavy-wet as often as they +found his elbow at rest. In one place was to be seen a Butcher, who upon +his capture was visited by his wife with a child in her arms, upon whom +the melody seemed to have no effect. She was an interesting and +delicate-looking woman, whose agitation of spirits upon so melancholy an +occasion were evidenced by streaming tears from a pair of lovely dark +eyes; and the Butcher, as evidently forgetful of his usual calling, was +sympathising with, and endeavouring to soothe her into composure, and +fondling the child. In another, a person who had the appearance of an +Half-pay Officer, with Hessian boots, blue pantaloons, and a black silk +handkerchief, sat with his arms folded almost without taking notice of +what was passing around him, though a rough Sailor with a pipe in his +mouth occasionally <span class="pagenum">[380]</span> enlivened the scene +by accompanying the notes of the Musician with a characteristic dance, +which he termed a Horn-spike. +</p> +<p> +It was a fine scene of Real Life, and after taking a few turns in the +gardens of the Lock-up or Sponging-house, they returned to Merrywell's +apartments, which they had scarcely entered, when the tandem drew up to +the door. +</p> +<p> +“More company,” said Merry well. +</p> +<p> +“And perhaps the more the merrier,” replied Tom. +</p> +<p> +“That is as it may prove,” was the reply; “for the company of this house +ace as various at times as can be met with in any other situation. +However, this appears to wear the form of one of our fashionable, +high-life Gentlemen; but appearances are often deceitful, we shall perhaps +hear more of him presently—he may turn out to be one of the +prodigals who calculate the duration of life at about ten years, that is, +to have a short life and a merry one.” + </p> +<p> +“That seems to me to be rather a short career, too,” exclaimed Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Nay, nay, that is a long calculation, for it frequently cannot be made to +last half the number. In the first place, the Pupil learns every kind of +extravagance, which he practises en maitre the two next years. These make +an end of his fortune. He lives two more on credit, established while his +property lasted. The next two years he has a letter of licence, and +contrives to live by ways and means (for he has grown comparatively +knowing.) Then he marries, and the wife has the honour of discharging his +debts, her fortune proving just sufficient for the purpose. Then he +manages to live a couple of years more on credit, and retires to one of +his Majesty's prisons.” + </p> +<p> +By this time Mr. Safebind made his appearance, and with great politeness +inquired if the Gentlemen were accommodated in the way they wished? Upon +being assured of this, and requested to take a seat, after some +introductory conversation, he gave them the following account of himself +and his business:— +</p> +<p> +“We have brought nine Gemmen into the house this morning; and, though I +say it, no Gemman goes out that would have any objection to come into it +again.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho shrugg'd up his shoulders in a way that seemed to imply a doubt. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[381]</span> “For,” continued he, “a Gemman that is +a Gemman shall always find genteel treatment here. I always acts upon +honour and secrecy; and if as how a Gemman can't bring his affairs into a +comfortable shape here, why then he is convey'd away without exposure, +that is, if he understands things.” + </p> +<p> +With assurances of this kind, the veracity of which no one present could +doubt, they were entertained for some time by their loquacious Host, who, +having the gift of the gab,{1} would probably have continued long in the +same strain of important information; when dinner was placed on the table, +and they fell to with good appetites, seeming almost to have made use of +the customary grace among theatricals.{2} +</p> +<p> +“The table cleared, the frequent glass goes round, And joke and song and +merriment abound.” + </p> +<p> +“Your house,” said Dashall, “might well be termed the Temple of the Arts, +since their real votaries are so frequently its inhabitants.” + </p> +<p> +“Very true, Sir,” said Safebind, “and as the Poet observes, it is as often +graced by the presence of the devotees to the Sciences: in point of +company he says we may almost call it multum in parvo, or the Camera +Obscura of Life. There are at this time within these walls, a learned +Alchymist, two Students in Anatomy, and a Physician—a Poet, a +Player, and a Musician. The Player is an adept at mimicry, the Musician a +good player, and the Poet no bad stick at a rhyme; all anxious to turn +their talents to good account, and, when mingled together, productive of +harmony, though the situation they are in at present is rather discordant +to their feelings; but then you know 'tis said, that discord is the soul +of harmony, and they knocked up a duet among themselves yesterday, which I +thought highly amusing.” + </p> +<p> +“I am fond of music,” said Merry well—“do you think they would take +a glass of wine with us?” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Gift of the gab—Fluency of speech. + +2 It is a very common thing among the minor theatricals, +when detained at rehearsals, &c. to adjourn to some +convenient room in the neighbourhood for refreshment, and +equally common for them to commence operations in a truly +dramatic way, by ex-claiming to each other in the language +of Shakespeare, + +“Come on, Macbeth—come on, Macduff, +And d——-d be he who first cries—hold, enough.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[382]</span> “Most readily, no doubt,” was the +reply. “I will introduce them in a minute.” Thus saying, he left the room, +and in a very few minutes returned with the three votaries of Apollo, who +soon joined in the conversation upon general subjects. The Player now +discovered his loquacity; the Poet his sagacity; and the Musician his +pertinacity, for he thought no tones so good as those produced by himself, +nor no notes—we beg pardon, none but bank notes—equal to his +own. +</p> +<p> +It will be sufficient for our present purpose to add, that the bottle +circulated 'quickly, and what with the songs of the Poet, the recitations +of the Player, and the notes of the Fiddler, time, which perfects all +intellectual ability, and also destroys the most stupendous monuments of +art, brought the sons of Apollo under the table, and admonished Dashall +and his Cousin to depart; which they accordingly did, after a promise to +see their friend Merry well in his intended new quarters.<span +class="pagenum">[383]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0008"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXIV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“All nations boast some men of nobler mind, +Their scholars, heroes, benefactors kind: +And Britain has her share among the rest, +Of men the wisest, boldest and the best: +Yet we of knaves and fools have ample share, +And eccentricities beyond compare. +Full many a life is spent, and many a purse, +In mighty nothings, or in something worse.” + </div> +<p> +THE next scene which Tom was anxious to introduce to his Cousin's notice +was that of a Political Dinner; but while they were preparing for +departure, a letter arrived which completely satisfied the mind of the +Hon. Tom Dashall as to the motives and views of their friend Sparkle, and +ran as follows: +</p> +<p> +“Dear Dashall, +</p> +<p> +“Having rivetted the chains of matrimony on the religious anvil of Gretna +Green, I am now one of the happiest fellows in existence. My election is +crowned with success, and I venture to presume all after-petitions will be +rejected as frivolous and vexatious. The once lovely Miss Mortimer is now +the ever to be loved Mrs. Sparkle. I shall not now detain your attention +by an account of our proceedings or adventures on the road: we shall have +many more convenient opportunities of indulging in such details when we +meet, replete as I can assure you they are with interest. +</p> +<p> +“I have written instructions to my agent in town for the immediate +disposal of my paternal estate in Wiltshire, and mean hereafter to take up +my abode on one I have recently purchased in the neighbourhood of Belville +Hall, where I anticipate many pleasurable opportunities of seeing you and +our friend Tallyho surrounding my hospitable and (hereafter) family board. +We shall be there within a month, as we mean to reach our place of +destination by easy stages, and look about us. +</p> +<p> +“Please remember me to all old friends in Town, and believe as ever, +</p> +<p> +Your's truly, +</p> +<p> +“Charles Sparkle.” + </p> +<p> +“Carlisle.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[384 ]</span> The receipt of this letter and its +contents were immediately communicated to young Mortimer, who had already +received some intelligence of a similar nature, which had the effect of +allaying apprehension and dismissing fear for his Sister's safety. The +mysterious circumstances were at once explained, and harmony was restored +to the previously agitated family. +</p> +<p> +“I am truly glad of this information,” said Tom, “and as we are at present +likely to be politically engaged, we cannot do less than take a bumper or +two after dinner, to the health and happiness of the Candidate who so +emphatically observes, he has gained his election, and, in the true +language of every Patriot, declares he is the happiest man alive, +notwithstanding the rivets by which he is bound.” + </p> +<p> +“You are inclined to be severe,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“By no means,” replied Dashall; “the language of the letter certainly +seems a little in consonance with my observation, but I am sincere in my +good wishes towards the writer and his amiable wife. Come, we must now +take a view of other scenes, hear long speeches, drink repeated bumpers, +and shout with lungs of leather till the air resounds with peals of +approbation. +</p> +<p> +“We shall there see and hear the great men of the nation, Or at least who +are such in their own estimation.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“Great in the name a patriot father bore, +Behold a youth of promise boldly soar, +Outstrip his fellows, clamb'ring height extreme, +And reach to eminence almost supreme. +With well-worn mask, and virtue's fair pretence, +And all the art of smooth-tongued eloquence, +He talks of wise reform, of rights most dear, +Till half the nation thinks the man sincere.” + </div> +<p> +“Hey day,” said Tallyho, “who do you apply this to?” + </p> +<p> +“Those who find the cap fit may wear it,” was the reply—” + </p> +<p> +I leave it wholly to the discriminating few who can discover what belongs +to themselves, without further comment.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[385]</span> By this time they had arrived at the +Crown and Anchor Tavern, in the Strand, where they found a great number of +persons assembled, Sir F. B——— having been announced as +President. In a few minutes he was ushered into the room with all due pomp +and ceremony, preceded by the Stewards for the occasion, and accompanied +by a numerous body of friends, consisting of Mr. H———, +Major C———, and others, though not equally prominent, +equally zealous. During dinner time all went on smoothly, except in some +instances, where the voracity of some of the visitors almost occasioned a +chopping off the fingers of their neighbours; but the cloth once removed, +and 'Non nobis Domine' sung by professional Gentlemen, had the effect of +calling the attention of the company to harmony. The Band in the orchestra +played, 'O give me Death or Liberty'—'Erin go brach'—'Britons +strike home'—and 'Whilst happy in my native Land.' The Singers +introduced 'Scots wha hae wi' Wallace bled'—'Peruvians wake to +Glory'—and the 'Tyrolese Hymn.' But the spirit of oratory, enlivened +by the fire of the bottle, exhibited its illuminating sparks in a blaze of +lustre which eclipsed even the gas lights by which they were surrounded; +so much so, that the Waiters themselves became confused, and remained +stationary, or, when they moved, were so dazzled by the patriotic +effusions of the various Speakers, that they fell over each other, spilt +the wine in the pockets of the company, and, by making afterwards a hasty +retreat, left them to fight or argue between each other for supposed +liberties taken even by their immediate friends. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2image-0003"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page385.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page385 Political Dinner "><br> +</div> +<p> +Unbridled feelings of patriotic ardour appeared to pervade every one +present; and what with the splendid oratory of the speakers, and the +deafening vociferations of the hearers, at the conclusion of what was +generally considered a good point, a sufficient indication of the feelings +by which they were all animated was evinced. +</p> +<p> +At the lower end of the table sat a facetious clerical Gentleman, who, +unmindful of his ministerial duties, was loud in his condemnation of +ministers, and as loud in his approbation of those who gave them what he +repeatedly called a good hit. But here a subject of great laughter +occurred; for Mr. Marrowfat, the Pea-merchant of Covent-Garden, and Mr. +Barrowbed, the Feathermonger of Drury Lane, in their zeal for the good +cause, arising at the same moment, big with ardour and sentiment, to +address the <span class="pagenum">[386]</span> Chair on a subject of the +most momentous importance in their consideration, and desirous to +signalize themselves individually, so completely defeated their objects by +over anxiety to gain precedence, that they rolled over each other on the +floor, to the inexpressible amusement of the company, and the total +obliteration of their intended observations; so much so, that the harangue +meant to enlighten their friends, ended in a fine colloquy of abuse upon +each other. +</p> +<p> +The bottles, the glasses, and the other paraphernalia of the table +suffered considerable diminution in the descent of these modern Ciceros, +and a variety of speakers arising upon their downfall, created so much +confusion, that our Heroes, fearing it would be some time before harmony +could be restored, took up their hats and walked. +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said Dashall, as they left the house, “you have had a full view of +the pleasantries of a Political Dinner; and having seen the characters by +which such an entertainment is generally attended, any further account of +them is almost rendered useless.” + </p> +<p> +“At least,” replied Tallyho, “I have been gratified by the view of some of +the leading men who contribute to fill up the columns of your London +Newspapers.” + </p> +<p> +“Egad!” said his Cousin, “now I think of it, there is a tine opportunity +of amusing ourselves for the remainder of the evening by a peep at another +certain house in Westminster: whether it may be assimilated, in point of +character or contents, to what we have just witnessed, I shall leave you, +after taking a review, to determine.” + </p> +<p> +“What do you mean?” inquired Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Charley's, my boy, that's the place for sport, something in the old +style. The Professors there are all of the ancient school, and we shall +just be in time for the first Lecture. It is a school of science, and +though established upon the ancient construction, is highly suitable to +the taste of the moderns.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds!” replied Bob, “our heads are hardly in cue for philosophy after +so much wine and noise; we had better defer it to another opportunity.” + </p> +<p> +“Nay, nay, now's the very time for it—it will revive the +recollection of some of your former sports; +</p> +<div class='pre'> +For, midst our luxuries be it understood, +Some traits remain of rugged hardihood.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[387]</span> Charley is a good caterer for the +public appetite, and, to diversify the amusements of a Life in London, we +will have a little chaff among the Bear-baiters.” + </p> +<p> +Tally-ho stared for a moment; then burst into laughter at the curious +introduction his Cousin had given to this subject. “I have long perceived +your talent for embellishment, but certainly was not prepared for the +conclusion; but you ought rather to have denominated them Students in +Natural History.” + </p> +<p> +“And what is that but a branch of Philosophy?” inquired Dashall. “However, +we are discussing points of opinion rather than hastening to the scene of +action to become judges of facts—Allons.” + </p> +<p> +Upon saying this, they moved forward with increased celerity towards +Tothill-fields, and soon reached their proposed place of destination. +</p> +<p> +On entering, Tallyho was reminded by his Cousin to button up his toggery, +keep his ogles in action, and be awake. “For,” said he, “you will here +have to mingle with some of the queer Gills and rum Covies of all ranks.” + </p> +<p> +This advice being taken, they soon found themselves in this temple of +torment, where Bob surveyed a motly group assembled, and at that moment +engaged in the sports of the evening. The generality of the company bore +the appearance of Butchers, Dog-fanciers and Ruffians, intermingled here +and there with a few Sprigs of Fashion, a few Corinthian Sicells, +Coster-mongers, Coal-heavers, Watermen, Soldiers, and Livery-servants. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2image-0004"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page387.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page387 the Country Squire "><br> +</div> +<p> +The bear was just then pinn'd by a dog belonging to a real lover of the +game, who, with his shirt-sleeves tuck'd up, declared he was a d———d +good one, and nothing but a good one, so help him G———d. +This dog, at the hazard of his life, had seized poor Bruin by the under +lip, who sent forth a tremendous howl indicative of his sufferings, and +was endeavouring to give him a fraternal hug; many other dogs were barking +aloud with anxiety to take an active share in the amusement, while the +bear, who was chained by the neck to a staple in the wall, and compelled +to keep an almost erect posture, shook his antagonist with all the fury of +madness produced by excessive torture. In the mean time bets were made and +watches pull'd forth, to decide how long the bow-wow would bother the +ragged Russian. The Dog-breeders were chaffing each other upon the value +of their canine property, each holding his <span class="pagenum">[388]</span> +brother-puppy between his legs, till a fair opportunity for a let-loose +offered, and many wagers were won and lost in a short space of time. Bob +remained a silent spectator; while his Cousin, who was better up to the +gossip, mixt with the hard-featured sportsmen, inquired the names of their +dogs, what prices were fix'd upon, when they had fought last, and other +questions equally important to amateurs. +</p> +<p> +Bruin got rid of his customers in succession as they came up to him, and +when they had once made a seizure, it was generally by a hug which almost +deprived them of life, at least it took from them the power of continuing +their hold; but his release from one was only the signal for attack from +another. +</p> +<p> +While this exhibition continued, Tom could not help calling his Cousin's +attention to an almost bald-headed man, who occupied a front seat, and sat +with his dog, which was something of the bull breed, between his legs, +while the paws of the animal rested on the top rail, and which forcibly +brought to his recollection the well-known anecdote of Garrick and the +Butcher's dog with his master's wig on, while the greasy carcass-dealer +was wiping the perspiration from his uncovered pericranium. +</p> +<p> +Bob, who had seen a badger-bait, and occasionally at fairs in the country +a dancing bear, had never before seen a bear-bait, stood up most of the +time, observing those around him, and paying attention to their +proceedings while entertaining sentiments somewhat similar to the +following lines:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“What boisterous shouts, what blasphemies obscene, +What eager movements urge each threatening mien! +Present the spectacle of human kind, +Devoid of feeling—destitute of mind; +With ev'ry dreadful passion rous'd to flame, +All sense of justice lost and sense of shame.” + </div> +<p> +When Charley the proprietor thought his bear was sufficiently exercised +for the night, he was led to his den, lacerated and almost lamed, to +recover of his wounds, with an intention that he should “fight his battles +o'er again.” Meanwhile Tom and Bob walk'd homeward. +</p> +<p> +The next day having been appointed for the coronation of our most gracious +Sovereign, our friends were off at an early hour in the morning, to secure +their seats in <span class="pagenum">[389]</span> Westminster Hall; and on +their way they met the carriage of our disappointed and now much lamented +Queen, her endeavours to obtain admission to the Abbey having proved +fruitless. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Oh that the Monarch had as firmly stood +In all his acts to serve the public good, +As in that moment of heartfelt joy +That firmness acted only to destroy +A nation's hope—to every heart allied, +Who lived in sorrow, and lamented died!” + </div> +<p> +It was a painful circumstance to Dashall, who was seldom severe in his +judgments, or harsh in his censures. He regretted its occurrence, and it +operated in some degree to rob a splendid ceremony of its magnificence, +and to sever from royalty half its dignity. +</p> +<p> +The preparations however were arranged upon a scale of grandeur suited to +the occasion. The exterior of Westminster Hall and Abbey presented a most +interesting appearance. Commodious seats were erected for the +accommodation of spectators to view the procession in its moving order, +and were thronged with thousands of anxious subjects to greet their +Sovereign with demonstrations of loyalty and love. +</p> +<p> +It was certainly a proud day of national festivity. The firing of guns and +the ringing of bells announced the progress of the Coronation in its +various stages to completion; and in the evening Hyde Park was brilliantly +and tastefully illuminated, and an extensive range of excellent fireworks +were discharged under the direction of Sir William Congreve. We must +however confine ourselves to that which came under the view of the Hon. +Tom Dashall and his Cousin, who, being seated in the Hall, had a fine +opportunity of witnessing the banquet, and the challenge of the Champion. +</p> +<p> +A flooring of wood had been laid down in the Hall at an elevation of +fourteen inches above the flags. Three tiers of galleries were erected on +each side, covered with a rich and profuse scarlet drapery falling from a +cornice formed of a double row of gold-twisted rope, and ornamented with a +succession of magnificent gold pelmets and rosettes. The front of the door +which entered from the passage without, was covered with a curtain of +scarlet, trimmed with deep gold fringe, and looped up on each side with +<span class="pagenum">[390]</span> silken ropes. The floor, and to the +extremity of the first three steps of the Throne, was covered with a +splendid Persian-pattern Wilton carpet, and the remainder of the steps +with scarlet baize. +</p> +<p> +The canopy of the throne, which was square, was surrounded by a beautiful +carved and gilt cornice, prepared by Mr. Evans. Beneath the cornice hung a +succession of crimson-velvet pelmet drapery, each pelmet having +embroidered upon it a rose, a thistle, a crown, or a harp. Surmounting the +cornice in front was a gilt crown upon a velvet cushion, over the letters +“Geo. IV.” supported on each side by an antique gilt ornament. The entire +back of the throne, as well as the interior of the canopy, were covered +with crimson Genoa velvet, which was relieved by a treble row of broad and +narrow gold lace which surrounded the whole. In the centre of the back +were the royal arms, the lion and the unicorn rampant, embroidered in the +most costly style. Under this stood the chair of state, and near the +throne were six splendid chairs placed for the other members of the royal +family. These decorations, and the Hall being splendidly illuminated, +presented to the eye a spectacle of the most imposing nature, heightened +by the brilliant assemblage of elegantly dressed personages. The Ladies +universally wore ostrich feathers, and the Gentlemen were attired in the +most sumptuous dresses. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2image-0005"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page390.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page390 Grand Coronation Dinner "><br> +</div> +<p> +About four o'clock, his Majesty having gone through the other fatiguing +ceremonies of the day, entered the Hall with the crown upon his head, and +was greeted with shouts of “Long live the King!” from all quarters; +shortly after which, the banquet was served by the necessary officers. But +that part of the ceremony which most attracted the attention of Tallyho, +was the challenge of the Champion, whose entrance was announced by the +sound of the trumpets thrice; and who having proceeded on a beautiful +horse in a full suit of armour, under the porch of a triumphal arch, +attended by the Duke of Wellington on his right, and the Deputy Earl +Marshal on his left, to the place assigned him, the challenge was read +aloud by the Herald: he then threw down his gauntlet, which having lain a +short time, was returned to him. This ceremony was repeated three times; +when he drank to his Majesty, and received the gold cup and cover as his +fee. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[391]</span> The whole of this magnificent national +pageant was conducted throughout with the most scrupulous attention to the +customary etiquette of such occasions; and Tallyho, who had never +witnessed any thing of the kind before, and consequently could have no +conception of its splendour, was at various parts of the ceremony +enraptured; he fancied himself in Fairy-land, and that every thing he saw +and heard was the effect of enchantment. Our friends returned home highly +gratified with their day's amusement. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0009"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Behold the Ring! how strange the group appears +Of dirty blackguards, commoners and peers; +Jews, who regard not Moses nor his laws, +All ranks of Christians eager in the cause. +What eager bets—what oaths at every breath, +Who first shall shrink, or first be beat to death. +Thick fall the blows, and oft the boxers fall, +While deaf'ning shouts for fresh exertions call; +Till, bruised and blinded, batter'd sore and maim'd, +One gives up vanquish'd, and the other lam'd. +Say, men of wealth! say what applause is due +For scenes like these, when patronised by you? +These are your scholars, who in humbler way, +But with less malice, at destruction play. +You, like game cocks, strike death with polish'd steel; +They, dung-hill-bred, use only nature's heel; +They fight for something—you for nothing fight; +They box for love, but you destroy in spite.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[392 ]</span> THE following Tuesday having been +appointed by the knowing ones for a pugilistic encounter between Jack +Randall, commonly called the Nonpareil, and Martin, as well known by the +appellation of The Master of the Rolls, from his profession being that of +a baker; an excellent day's sport was anticipated, and the lads of the +fancy were all upon the “<i>qui vive</i>.” + </p> +<p> +Our friends had consequently arranged, on the previous night, to breakfast +at an early hour, and take a gentle ride along the road, with a +determination to see as much as possible of the attractive amusements of a +milling-match, and to take a view as they went along of the company they +were afterwards to mingle with. +</p> +<p> +“We shall now,” said Dashall (as they sat down to breakfast) “have a peep +at the lads of the ring, and see a little of the real science of Boxing.” + </p> +<p> +“We have been boxing the compass through the difficult straits of a London +life for some time,” replied Bob, “and I begin to think that, with all its +variety, its gaiety, and +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[393]</span> its pride, the most legitimate joys of +life may fairly be said to exist in the country.” + </p> +<p> +“I confess,” said Dashall, “that most of the pleasures of life are +comparative, and arise from contrast. Thus the bustle of London heightens +the serenity of the country, while again the monotony of the country gives +additional zest to the ever-varying scenes of London. But why this +observation at a moment when we are in pursuit of fresh game?” + </p> +<p> +“Nay,” said Tallyho, “I know not why; but I spoke as I thought, feeling as +I do a desire to have a pop at the partridges as the season is now fast +approaching, and having serious thoughts of shifting my quarters.” + </p> +<p> +“We will talk of that hereafter,” was the reply. “You have an excellent +day's sport in view, let us not throw a cloud upon the prospect before us—you +seem rather in the doldrums. The amusements of this day will perhaps +inspire more lively ideas; and then we shall be present at the masquerade, +which will doubtless be well attended; all the fashion of the Metropolis +will be present, and there you will find a new world, such as surpasses +the powers of imagination—a sort of Elysium unexplored before, full +of mirth, frolic, whim, wit and variety, to charm every sense in nature. +But come, we must not delay participating in immediate gratifications by +the anticipations of those intended for the future. Besides, I have +engaged to give the Champion a cast to the scene of action in my +barouche.” + </p> +<p> +By this time Piccadilly was all in motion—coaches, carts, gigs, +tilburies, whiskies, buggies, dog-carts, sociables, dennets, curricles, +and sulkies, were passing in rapid succession, intermingled with tax-carts +and waggons decorated with laurel, conveying company of the most varied +description. In a few minutes, the barouche being at the door, crack went +the whip, and off they bowled. Bob's eyes were attracted on all sides. +Here, was to be seen the dashing Corinthian tickling up his tits, and his +bang-up set-out of blood and bone, giving the go-by to a heavy drag laden +with eight brawney bull-faced blades, smoking their way down behind a +skeleton of a horse, to whom in all probability a good feed of corn would +have been a luxury; pattering among themselves, occasionally chaffing the +more elevated drivers by whom they were surrounded, and pushing forward +their nags with all the ardour of a British <span class="pagenum">[394]</span> +merchant intent upon disposing of a valuable cargo of foreign goods on +?Change. There, was a waggon, full of all sorts upon the lark, succeeded +by a donkey-cart with four insides; but Neddy, not liking his burthen, +stopt short on the way of a Dandy, whose horse's head coming plump up to +the back of the crazy vehicle at the moment of its stoppage, threw the +rider into the arms of a Dustman, who, hugging his customer with the +determined grasp of a bear, swore d———n his eyes he had +saved his life, and he expected he would stand something handsome for the +Gemmen all round, for if he had not pitched into their cart, he would +certainly have broke his neck; which being complied with, though +reluctantly, he regained his saddle, and proceeded a little more +cautiously along the remainder of the road, while groups of pedestrians of +all ranks and appearances lined each side. +</p> +<p> +At Hyde-Park Corner, Tom having appointed to take up the prime hammer-man, +drew up, and was instantly greeted by a welcome from the expected party, +who being as quickly seated, they proceeded on their journey. +</p> +<p> +“This match appears to occupy general attention,” said Tom. +</p> +<p> +“I should think so,” was the reply—“why it will be a prime thing as +ever was seen. Betting is all alive—the Daffy Club in tip-top +spirits—lots of money sported on both sides—somebody must make +a mull{1}—but Randall's the man—he is the favourite of the +day, all the world to a penny-roll.” + </p> +<p> +The simile of the penny roll being quite in point with the known title of +one of the combatants, caused a smile on Dashall's countenance, which was +caught by the eye of Tallyho, and created some mirth, as it was a proof of +what has frequently been witnessed, that the lovers of the fancy are as +apt in their imaginations at times, as they are ready for the +accommodating one, two, or the friendly flush hit which floors their +opponents. +</p> +<p> +The morning was fine, and the numerous persons who appeared travelling on +the road called forth many inquiries from Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said he, “I think I recollect that the admirable author of the <i>Sentimental +Journey</i> used to read as he went along—is it possible to read as +we journey forward?” “Doubtless,” replied Tom, “it is, and will produce +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Mull—Defeat, loss, or disappointment. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[395]</span> a fund of amusing speculation as we jog +on. Lavater founded his judgment of men upon the formation of their +features; Gall and Spurzheim by the lumps, bumps and cavities of their +pericraniums; but I doubt not we shall be right in our views of the +society we are likely to meet, without the help of either—do you see +that group?” + </p> +<p> +Bob nodded assent. +</p> +<p> +“These,” continued Tom, “are profitable characters, or rather men of +profit, who, kindly considering the constitution of their friends, provide +themselves with refreshments of various kinds, to supply the hungry +visitors round the ring—oranges, nuts, apples, gingerbread, biscuits +and peppermint drops.” + </p> +<p> +“Not forgetting <i>blue ruin and French lace</i>,"{1} said the man of +fist; “but you have only half done it—don't you see the <i>Cash-cove</i>{2} +behind, with his stick across his shoulder, <i>padding the hoof</i>{3} in +breathless speed? he has <i>shell'd out the lour</i>{4} for the occasion, +and is travelling down to keep a <i>wakeful winker</i>{5} on his +retailers, and to take care that however they may chuse to lush away the +profit, they shall at least take care of the principal. The little Dandy +just before him also acts as Whipper-in; between them they mark out the +ground,{6} watch the progress, and pocket the proceeds. They lend the +money for the others to traffic.” + </p> +<p> +“I confess,” said Tom, “I was not exactly up to this.” + </p> +<p> +“Aye, aye, but I know the <i>Blunt-monger</i>,{7} and am up to his ways +and means,” was the reply.—“Hallo, my eyes, here he comes!” + continued he, rising from his seat, and bowing obsequiously to a Gentleman +who passed them in a tandem—“all right, I am glad of it—always +good sport when he is present—no want of sauce or seasoning—he +always <i>comes it strong</i>."{8} +</p> +<p> +“I perceive,” replied Tom, “you allude to the noble Marquis of W———.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 French lace—A flash or cant term for brandy. + +2 Cash-cove—A monied man. + +3 Padding the hoof—Travelling on Shanks's mare, or taking +a turn by the marrow-bone stage, i.e. walking. + +4 Shell'd out the lour—Supplied the cash. + +5 Wakeful winker—A sharp eye. + +6 Mark out the ground—Is to place his retailers in various +parts of the Ring for the accommodation of the company, any +where he may expect to find them himself. + +7 Blunt-monger—Money-dealer, or money-lender. + +8 Comes it strong—No flincher, a real good one. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[396]</span> Travelling gently along the road, they +were presently impeded by a crowd of persons who surrounded a long cart or +waggon, which had just been overturned, and had shot out a motley group of +personages, who were being lifted on their legs, growling and howling at +this unforeseen disaster. A hard-featured sailor, whose leg had been +broken by the fall, brandished a splinter of the fractured limb, and swore—“That +although his timbers were shivered, and he had lost a leg in the service, +he would not be the last in the Ring, but he'd be d———d +if he mount the rubbish-cart any more.” It is needless to observe his leg +was a wooden one. +</p> +<p> +Upon examining the inscription on the cart, it was found to contain the +following words:—“Household Furniture, Building Materials, and +Lumber carefully removed.” As it was ascertained that no real injury had +been sustained, our party speedily passed the overturned vehicle and +proceeded. +</p> +<p> +The next object of attraction was a small cart drawn by one poor animal, +sweating and snorting under the weight of six Swells, led by an old man, +who seemed almost as incapable as his horse seemed unwilling to perform +the journey. A label on the outside of the cart intimated that its +contents was soap, which created some laughter between Tom and Bob. The +man in the front, whose Jew-looking appearance attracted attention, was +endeavouring to increase the speed of the conveyance by belabouring the +boney rump of the <i>prad</i>{1} with his hat, while some of their +pedestrian <i>palls</i>{2} were following close in the rear, and taking +occasionally a <i>drap of the cratur</i>, which was handed out behind and +returned after refreshment. +</p> +<p> +“These,” said Tom to his Cousin, “are also men of profit, but not exactly +in the way of those we passed—second-rate Swells and broken-down +Gamesters, determined, as the saying is, to have a shy, even if they lose +their sticks, and more properly may be termed men of plunder; desperate in +their pursuits, they turn out with intent to make the best of the day, and +will not fail to nibble all they can come easily at.” + </p> +<p> +“They are not worth the blood from a broken nose,” said the Pugilist, with +a feeling for the honour of his profession which did him credit.—“They +are all prigs, their company +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Prad—A cant term for a horse. + +2 Palls—Partners, accomplices, colleagues. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[397]</span> spoils all genteel society, and +frequently brings disgrace upon others with whom they are unworthy to +associate, or even to be seen—there's no getting rid of such gentry. +Is it not d———d hard a man can't have a pleasant bit of +a turn-up, without having his friends filched?—But here comes the +gay fellows, here they come upon the trot, all eager and anxious to mark +the first blow, start the odds, and curry the coal.{1} These are the lads +of life—true lovers of the sport—up to the manouvre—clear +and quick-sighted, nothing but good ones—aye aye, and here comes +Bill Gibbons, furnished with the fashionables.” + </p> +<p> +“What do you call the fashionables?” inquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Why, the Binders.” + </p> +<p> +Here he was as much at a loss as ever, which the other perceiving, he +continued—“The Binders are the stakes and ropes, to fence in the +Ring.” + </p> +<p> +Bill Gibbons, who was well known on the road, and was speeding down pretty +sharp, was followed by crowds of vehicles of all descriptions; as many to +whom the place of meeting was but conjectured, upon seeing him felt +assured of being in the right track. Here were to be seen the Swells in +their tandems—the Nib Sprigs in their gigs, buggies, and dog-carts—and +the Tidy Ones on their trotters, all alive and leaping. Mirth and +merriment appeared spread over every countenance, though expectation and +anxiety were intermingled here and there in the features of the real lads +of the fancy; many of whom, upon this very interesting occasion, had bets +to a considerable amount depending upon the result of the day. The bang-up +blades were pushing their prads along in gay style, accompanied by two +friends, that is to say, a biped and a quadruped. The queer fancy lads, +who had hired hacks from the livery-stable keepers, were kicking up a +dust, and here and there rolling from their prancers in their native soil; +while the neck or nothing boys, with no prospect but a whereas before +their eyes, were as heedless of their personal safety as they were of +their Creditor's property. Jaded hacks and crazy vehicles were to be seen +on all sides—here lay a bankrupt-cart with the panels knock'din, and +its driver with an eye knock'd out, the horse lamed, and the concern +completely knock'd up, just before the period when the hammer of the +Auctioneer was to be called in, and his effects knock'd down. There was +another +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Curry the coal—Make sure of the money. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[398]</span> of the same description, with a +harum-scarum devil of a half-bred, making his way at all risks, at a full +gallop, as unmanageable in his career as his driver had been in his +speculations; dust flying, women sprawling, men bawling, dogs barking, and +the multitude continually increasing. Scouts, Scamps, Lords, Loungers and +Lacqueys—Coster-mongers from—To the Hill Fields—and The +Bloods from Bermondsey, completely lined the road as far as the eye could +reach, both before and behind; it was a day of the utmost importance to +the pugilistic school, as the contest had excited a most unparalleled +degree of interest! +</p> +<p> +It would be scarcely possible to give a full and accurate description of +the appearances as they went along; imagination would labour in vain, and +words are altogether incapable of conveying a picture of the road to this +memorable fight; the various instances in which they could discover that +things were not all right were admirably contrasted by others, where care +and good coachmanship, with a perfect management of the bloods, proved the +reverse—while the single horsemen, whose hearts were really engaged +in the sport, were picking their way with celerity, and posting to the +point of attraction.—The public-houses were thronged to excess, and +the Turnpike-keepers made a market of the mirth-moving throng. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2image-0006"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page398.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page398 Road to a Fight "><br> +</div> +<p> +Our party arrived in the neighbourhood of Copthorne about half-past +twelve, where all was bustle and confusion. The commissary in chief, Mr. +Jackson, being out of town, some of the subalterns, who had taken the +command <i>pro tempore</i>, had, for divers weighty reasons,principally +founded on a view to the profits of certain of the Surrey Trusts, and to +accommodate the sporting circles at Brighton, fixed the combat to take +place in a meadow belonging to a farmer named Jarvis, near this place. +</p> +<p> +On this spot accordingly the ring was formed, and an immense mass of all +descriptions of vehicles was admitted, not much, it may naturally be +supposed, to the prejudice of the owner of the premises, whose agents were +praise-worthily active in levying proper contributions. Some Gentlemen +however in the neighbourhood, observing that the strictest delicacy was +not maintained towards the sacredness of their fences, insisted that the +place was too confined, and intimated that a move must be made, or they +should make application to the Magistrates; and at the same time suggested +Crawley Downs, the site of so <span class="pagenum">[399]</span> many +former skirmishes, as the most convenient spot for their accommodation. +</p> +<p> +In this state of things, a move immediately took place, and a fresh ring +was established on the spot alluded to; but, in effecting this new +lodgment, much mortification was experienced, not alone by those, who, +after a dreadful drag up one of the worst by-roads in England, had +obtained a comfortable situation, but by those, who, speculating on the +formation of the ring, had expended considerable sums in the hire of +waggons for their purpose from the surrounding farmers. The waggons it was +found impossible to move in due time, and thus the new area was composed +of such vehicles as were first to reach the appointed ground. +</p> +<p> +The general confusion now was inconceivable, for, notwithstanding the +departure of connoisseurs from Jarvis's Farm, Martin still maintained his +post, alleging, that he was on the ground originally fixed, and that he +should expect Randall to meet him there; in which demand he was supported +by his backers. This tended to increase the embarrassment of the amateurs; +however, about one, Randall arrived at Crawley Downs, in a post-chaise, +and took up his quarters at a cottage near the ground, waiting for his +man; and at two, General Barton, who had just mounted his charger, +intending to consult the head-quarters of the Magistrates, to ascertain +their intention in case of proceeding to action at Jarvis's Farm, was +suddenly arrested in his progress by an express from the Martinites, +announcing that their champion had yielded his claim to the choice of +ground, and was so anxious for the mill, that he would meet Randall even +in a saw-pit. Bill Gibbons arriving soon after, the Ring, with the +assistance of many hands, was quickly formed; by which time, Tom and Bob +had secured themselves excellent situations to view the combat. +</p> +<p> +About twenty minutes before three, Randall entered the outer Ring, +attended by General Barton and Mr. Griffiths. He was attired in a +Whitehall upper Benjamin, and <i>threw his hat into the Ring</i> amidst +loud applause. In a few minutes after, Martin approached from an opposite +direction, accompanied by Mr. Sant and Mr. Elliott; he was also warmly +greeted. +</p> +<p> +The men now passed the ropes, and were assisted by their immediate friends +in peeling for action. Martin was <span class="pagenum">[400]</span> +attended by Spring and Thurton; Randall, by Harry Holt and Paddington +Jones. +</p> +<p> +The men stript well, and both appeared to be in excellent health, good +spirits, and high condition; but the symmetry of Randall's bust excited +general admiration; and the muscular strength of his arms, neck, and +shoulders, bore testimony to his Herculean qualities; the whole force of +his body, in fact, seem'd to be concentrated above his waistband. Martin +stood considerably above him, his arms were much longer, but they wanted +that bold and imposing weight which characterized those of Randall. They +walked up to the <i>scratch</i>, and shook hands in perfect good +fellowship. Every man now took his station, and the heroes threw +themselves into their guard. +</p> +<p> +It was rumoured that Martin intended to lose no time in manoeuvring, but +to go to work instanter. This however he found was not so easily to be +effected as suggested, for Randall had no favour to grant, and was +therefore perfectly on his guard. He was all wary caution, and had clearly +no intention of throwing away a chance, but was evidently waiting for +Martin to commence. Martin once or twice made play, but Randall was not +skittishly inclined, all was “war hawk.” Randall made a left-handed hit to +draw his adversary, but found it would not do. Martin then hit right and +left, but was stopped. Randall was feeling for Martin's wind, but hit +above his mark, though not without leaving one of a red colour, which told +“a flattering tale.” Randall returned with his left, and the men got to a +smart rally, when Randall got a konker, which tapped the claret. An almost +instantaneous close followed, in which Randall, grasping Martin round the +neck with his right arm, and bringing his head to a convenient posture, +sarved out punishment with his left. This was indeed a terrific position. +Randall was always famous for the dreadful force of his short left-handed +hits, and on this occasion they lost none of their former character. +Martin's nob was completely in a vice; and while in that hopeless +condition, Randall fibbed away with the solid weight of the hammer of a +tuck-mill. His aim was principally at the neck, where every blow told with +horrible violence. Eight or ten times did he repeat the dose, and then, +with a violent swing, threw Martin to the ground, falling on him as he; +went with all his weight. The Ring resounded with applause, and Jack +coolly took <span class="pagenum">[401]</span> his seat on the knee of his +Second. Martin's friends began to look blue, but still expected, the fight +being young, there was yet much to be done. +</p> +<p> +All eyes were now turned to Martin, who being lifted on Spring's knee, in +a second discovered that he was done. His head fell back lifeless, and all +the efforts of Spring to keep it straight were in vain. Water was thrown +on him in abundance, but without effect: he was, in fact, completely +senseless; and the half-minute having transpired, the Nonpareil was hailed +the victor. +</p> +<p> +Randall appeared almost without a scratch, while poor Martin lay like a +lump of unleavened dough; he was removed and bled, but it was some time +before he was conscious of his defeat. +</p> +<p> +Nothing could exceed the astonishment which so sudden and complete a +finish to the business produced. The round lasted but seven minutes and a +half, of which four minutes and a half had elapsed before a blow was +attempted. Thus ended one of the most extraordinary battles between two +known game men on the pugilistic records. Very heavy bets had been made +upon it in all parts of the kingdom. One gentleman is said to have had +five thousand pounds, and another one thousand eight hundred guineas. The +gains of the conqueror were supposed to be about a thousand pounds. +</p> +<p> +The amusements of the day were concluded by a second fight between Parish +and Lashbroke, which proved a manly and determined contest for upwards of +an hour, and in which the combatants evinced considerable skill and +bravery, and was finally decided in favour of Parish. All amusement which +might have been derived from this spectacle, however, was completely +destroyed by the daring outrages of an immense gang of pickpockets, who +broke in the Ring, and closed completely up to the ropes, carrying with +them every person, of decent appearance, and openly robbing them of their +watches, pocket-books and purses. And the lateness of the hour, it being +five o'clock, and almost dark, favoured the depredators. +</p> +<p> +In the midst of this struggle, Tom Dashall had nearly lost his fancy +topper,{1} and Tallyho was secretly eased of his clicker.{2} From the +scene of tumult and confusion they were glad to escape; and being again +safely seated in the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Topper—A flash term given to a hat. + +2 Clicker—A flash term given to a watch, +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[402]</span> barouche, they made the best of their +way home; in doing which, they found the roads almost as much clogg'd as +they were in the morning. The Randallites were meritorious, and, flushed +with good fortune, lined the public-houses on the road to <i>wet their +whistles</i>, singing and shouting his name in strains to them equally +inspiring as +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“See the conquering hero comes! +Sound your trumpets, beat your drums;” + </div> +<p> +while the Martinites rolled along the road in sullen silence; and, by the +time they reached town, an account of the Battle was hawking about the +streets, and songs singing to the praise of the successful combatant in +all the melodious cadences of a last dying speech and confession: such is +the promptitude of London Printers, Poets, and News-venders. +</p> +<p> +“Well,” said Dashall, as they re-entered the house, “the events of this +day have completely disappointed some of the knowing ones.” + </p> +<p> +“That may be,” replied Bob, “but they have been too knowing for me, +notwithstanding your previous instructions. However, I don't regret seeing +the humours of a Prize Ring; and the next time you catch me there, I must +take a lesson from the man of profit, and keep a wakeful winker on the +possibles. Really, I could not help feeling astonished at the immense +number of persons assembled on such an occasion.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link2image-0007"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page402.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page402 a Private Turn-up "><br> +</div> +<p> +“Zounds!” said Tom, “'tis the real centre of attraction, the thing, the +tippy, and the twig, among the Lads of the Fancy. Why, it is pretty +generally known, through the medium of the newspapers, that a certain +Nobleman paid the debts of one of these Pugilists, amounting to 300L. that +he might be released from Newgate in order to fight a prize battle; and it +is not long since that the Marquis of T—ed—e, whilst +entertaining a large party, after dinner introduced the subject with so +much effect, that a purse of 100 guineas was subscribed among them for a +turn up between two of the <i>prime hammermen</i>; who, being introduced, +actually set-to in his drawing-room for the amusement of his friends. Nor +is it less true, that this sporting Nobleman gloriously took up the +conqueror, (as the saying is) and evinced his patronage and his power at +once, by actually subduing his antagonist, proving to certitude, that if +his Lordship would but practise this sublime art, he <span class="pagenum">[403]</span> +could hardly fail of adding to his present title that of the Champion of +England! It is the theme of constant conversation, and in many cases there +is more anxiety about contests of this sort than there is about the +arrival of a Monarch on the Irish coast among the lads of <i>praties</i>, +whiskey, and buttermilk—thoughts are busy, energies are active—and +money in galore is circulated upon it.” + </p> +<p> +Bob laughed heartily at these observations of his Cousin upon what he +termed the sublime art. +</p> +<p> +“You don't appear to enter into the spirit of it,” continued Tom; “but I +can assure you, it is a very animating subject, and has occupied the +attention of all classes, from the peer to the prelate, the peasant and +the pot-boy; it is said that one of the lower order of ranting Preachers, +not many miles from Bolton-on-the-Moors, lately addressed his auditory in +the following metaphorical language, accompanied with striking and +appropriate attitudes:—'I dare say, now, you'd pay to see a +boxing-match between Randall and Turner, or Martin—yet you don't +like to pay for seeing a pitched-battle between me and the Black Champion +Beelzebub. Oh! my friends, many a hard knock, and many a cross-buttock +have I given the arch bruiser of mankind—aye, and all for your dear +sakes—pull—do pull off those gay garments of Mammon, strike +the devil a straight-forward blow in the mouth, darken his spiritual +daylights. At him manfully, give it him right and left, and I'll be your +bottle-holder—I ask nothing but the money, which you'll not forget +before you go.' ” + </p> +<p> +“The true spirit moved him,” said Bob, “and a very laudable one too; but +he very emphatically deprecated the votaries of Mammon.” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly, he being called, would have been unworthy of his calling if he +had not.” + </p> +<p> +This conversation was carried on over a glass of generous wine, and, +dwindling into indifferent subjects, is not necessary to be detailed; +suffice it to say, that, fatigued with the day's exertions, they sought +repose in the arms of Morpheus at an early hour, determined on the pursuit +of fresh game with the dawn of the morning.<span class="pagenum">[404]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0010"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXVI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“See yonder beaux, so delicately gay; +And yonder belles, so'deck'd in thin array— +Ah! rather see not what a decent pride +Would teach a maiden modestly to hide; +The dress so flimsy, the exposure such, +“twould almost make a very wanton blush. +E'en married dames, forgetting what is due +To sacred ties, give half clad charms to view. +What calls them forth to brave the daring glance, +The public ball, the midnight wanton dance? +There many a blooming nymph, by fashion led, +Has felt her health, her peace, her honour fled; +Truss'd her fine form to strange fantastic shapes, +To be admir'd, and twirl'd about by apes; +Or, mingling in the motley masquerade, +Found innocence by visor'd vice betrayed.” + </div> +<p> +AN agreeable lounge through the Parks in the morning afforded them an +opportunity of recalling in idea the pleasures of the past Real Life in +London, of which Tallyho had been enabled to partake, and during which he +again signified a desire to change the scene, by a departure at an early +period for his native vales, to breathe, as he observed, the +uncontaminated air of the country—to watch the wary pointer, and +mark the rising covey—to pursue the timid hare, or chase the cunning +fox; and Dashall finding him inflexible, notwithstanding his glowing +descriptions of scenes yet unexplored, at length consented to accompany +him to Belville Hall, upon condition that they should return again in a +month. This mode of arrangement seemed perfectly satisfactory to Bob; and +a view of the Panorama and a peep at the Tennis Court would have finished +their rambles for the day, but at the latter place of amusement and +healthful exercise, meeting with young Mortimer, a further developement of +facts relative to Sparkle and his Bride transpired; in which it appeared +that they had arrived at their place of destination, and had forwarded an +invitation to his brother-in-law to <span class="pagenum">[405]</span> pay +them an early visit, and who proposed starting in a few days. +</p> +<p> +“Well,” said Dashall, “we will all go together, and no doubt with our old +friend Sparkle we shall be able to endure the unchanging prospects of a +country life.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“In the Country how blest, when it rains in the fields, +To feast upon transports that shuttle-cock yields; +Or go crawling from window to window, to see +An ass on a common, a crow on a tree. + +In the Country you're nail'd, like some pale in your park, +To some stick of a neighbour, crammed into the ark; +And if you are sick, or in fits tumble down, +You reach death ere the Doctor can reach you from town.” + </div> +<p> +“Never mind,” cried Tallyho, “a change of scene will no doubt be useful, +and, at all events, by enduring the one, we may learn more judiciously to +appreciate the other.” + </p> +<p> +“True,” said Tom, “and I shall like myself all the better for being in +good company. But pray, Mr. Mortimer, what do you mean to do at the +approaching masquerade?” + </p> +<p> +“Not quite decided yet,” was the reply. +</p> +<p> +“You go, of course?” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly—as Orpheus, or Apollo. But pray what character do you +intend to sustain?” + </p> +<p> +“That's a secret—” + </p> +<p> +“Worth knowing, I suppose—well, well, I shall find you out, never +fear.” + </p> +<p> +“Time's a tell-tale,” said Dashall, “and will most likely unfold all +mysteries; but I always think the life and spirit of a masquerade is much +injured by a knowledge of the characters assumed by friends, unless it be +where two or more have an intention of playing, as it were, to, and with +each other; for where there is mystery, there is always interest. I shall +therefore propose that we keep to ourselves the characters in which we +mean to appear; for I am determined, if possible, to have a merry night of +it.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“On the lightly sportive wing, +At pleasure's call we fly; +Hark! they dance, they play, they sing, +In merry merry revelry; +Hark! the tabors lively beat, +And the flute in numbers sweet, +Fill the night with delight +At the Masquerade. +Let the grave ones warn us as they may, +Of every harmless joy afraid; +Whilst we're young and gay, +We'll frolic and play +At the Masquerade.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[406]</span> Tom's observations upon this subject +were in perfect accordance with those of. Mortimer and Tallyho; though he +had intended to consult his Cousin as to the character he should appear +in, he now determined to take his own direction, or to have advice from +Fentum in the Strand, whose advertisements to supply dresses, &c. he +had observed in the newspapers. +</p> +<p> +These preliminaries being decided upon, as far as appeared needful at the +moment, Mortimer departed towards home, where he expected to meet his +Uncle upon his return from the chase after the fugitives, Sparkle and Miss +Mortimer, now Mrs. Sparkle; and Tom and Bob to Piccadilly, where a select +party of Dashall's friends were invited to dinner, and where they enjoyed +a pleasant evening, drank rather freely, and had but little to regret +after it, except certain qualmish feelings of the head and stomach the +next morning. +</p> +<p> +The anticipated Masquerade had been the principal subject of conversation, +so long as reason held her sway; but the hard exercise of the arm, and the +generosity of the wine, had an early and visible effect upon some of the +party, who did not separate till a late hour, leaving Bob just strength +and intelligence enough to find the way to his dormitory. +</p> +<p> +By the arrival of the appointed evening for the grand Masquerade at +Vauxhall Gardens, Tom Dashall, who had a particular view in keeping his +intended proceedings a secret, had arranged all to his wishes, and +anticipated considerable amusement from the interest he should take in the +safety of his Cousin, whom he entertained no doubt of quickly discovering, +and with whom he determined to promote as much mirth as possible. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho, in the mean time, had also made occasional calls upon Merrywell +in his confinement, and, under his direction, been preparing for the +occasion, equally determined, if possible, to turn the laugh on his +Cousin; <span class="pagenum">[407]</span> and it must be acknowledged, he +could scarcely have found a more able tutor, though he was doomed rather +to suffer by his confidence in his instructor, as will hereafter be seen; +for, in escaping the intended torment of one, he was unexpectedly +subjected to the continual harassing of another. +</p> +<p> +It was about half after eleven o'clock, when Tallyho, duly equipped in his +country costume, as a Huntsman, entered this splendid and spacious scene +of brilliancy. The blaze of light which burst upon him, and the variety of +characters in constant motion, appeared almost to render him motionless; +and several of the would-be characters passed him with a vacant stare, +declaring he was no character at all! nor was he roused from his lethargic +position till he heard a view halloo, which seemed to come from a distant +part of the Garden, and was so delivered, as actually to give him an idea +of the party being in pursuit of game, by growing fainter towards the +close, as if receding from him. The sound immediately animated him, and +answering it in a truly sportsman-like style, he burst from his situation, +and cracking his whip, at full speed followed in the direction from which +it came, under the impression that he knew the voice of Dashall, and +should discover him. In his speed, however, he was rather rudely attacked +by a small dandy personage, whose outward appearance indicated some +pretensions to manhood, with a “Demmee, Sir, how dare you be rude to my +voman! for egad I shall have you clapped in the Round-house—here, +Vatchman, take this here man in charge—Vatch! Vatch!” The voice +however soon told him he had a lady to deal with, and he entered into a +long harangue by way of apology. This not being acceptable to the offended +party, he was surrounded by a host of Charleys springing their rattles all +at once, and, notwithstanding the dexterous use of his whip, he was +obliged to yield. At this moment, Tallyho was again sounded in his ears, +issuing from another quarter; but his struggles to pursue the party from +whom it came were ineffectual. A rough-hewn Sailor with a pipe in his +mouth, and an immense cudgel in his hand, however, arrived to his +assistance, accompanied by an Irish Chairman in a large blue coat, and a +cock'd hat bound with gold lace, armed with a chair-pole, who effected his +liberty; and he again scoured off in pursuit <span class="pagenum">[408]</span> +of his friend, but without success. He now began to think his situation +not altogether so pleasant as he could wish. He listened to every voice, +examined every form that passed him in rapid succession; yet he felt +himself alone, and determined not to be led away by sounds such as had +already occupied his attention, but rather to look about him, and notice +the eccentricities with which he was surrounded. Sauntering along in this +mood, he was presently assailed by a voice behind him, exclaiming, “Bob— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Bob, if you wish to go safely on, +Tarn round about, and look out for the Don.” + </div> +<p> +Upon hearing this, he turned hastily around, and encountered a group of +Chimney-sweepers, who immediately set up such a clatter with their brushes +and shovels, dancing at the same time in the true May-day style round him +and a strapping Irish fish-woman, that he was completely prevented from +pursuit, and almost from observation, while a universal laugh from those +near him bespoke the mirth his situation excited; and the Hibernian +damsel, with true Irish sympathy, attempted to allay his chagrin by +clasping him in her brawny arms, and imprinting on his ruddy cheek a kiss. +This only served to heighten their merriment and increase his +embarrassment, particularly as his <i>Cher ami</i> swore she had not had a +buss like it since the death of her own dear dead and departed Phelim, the +last of her four husbands, who died of a whiskey fever, bawling for +pratees and buttermilk, and was waked in a coal-shed. +</p> +<p> +This mark of the Lady's favour was not so favourably received by Tallyho, +and, determined to make his escape, he gave Moll a violent fling from him, +overturned her and her basket, knock'd down two of the Chimney-sweepers, +and then with a leap as if he had been springing at a five-barred gate, +jumped over his late companion, who lay sprawling among the flue-fakers, +and effected his purpose, to the inexpressible amusement of those, who, +after enjoying a hearty laugh at him, now transferred their risibility to +those he left behind. Finding himself once more unshackled, he smack'd his +whip with enthusiasm, and repeated his Tallyho with increased effect; for +it was immediately answered, and, without waiting for its final close, he +found the person from whom it was <span class="pagenum">[409]</span> +proceeding to be no other than a Turk, who was precipitately entering one +of the rooms, and was as quickly recognized by him to be the Hon. Tom +Dashall. The alteration which a Turkish turban and pelisse had effected in +his person, would however have operated as an effectual bar to this +discovery, had he not seized him in the very moment of vociferation; and +although his Cousin had been the chief cause of the adventures he had +already met with, he had at the same time kept an eye upon Bob, and been +equally instrumental in effecting his release from embarrassment. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom, “I am for a little gig in the Room—how long have +you been here?—I thought I should find you out, very few can +disguise themselves from me; we will now be spectators for half an hour, +and enjoy the mirth excited by others.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” rejoined Bob, “for I am almost as tired already as if +I had spent a whole day in a fox-chase, and have run as many risks of my +neck; so that a cool half hour's observation will be very acceptable.” + </p> +<p> +They had scarcely entered the Room, as a Priscilla Tomboy passed them at +full speed with a skipping-rope, for whose accommodation every one made +way; and who, having skipped round the room to shew her fine formed ancle +and flexibility of limbs, left it for a moment, and returned with a large +doll, which she appeared as pleased with as a child of eight or ten years +of age. A Jemmy Jumps assured Tom, that his garments were altogether +unsuitable to the nation in which he was residing, and recommended that he +should not exist another day without that now very fashionable appendage +of a Gentleman's dress called stays—An excellent Caleb Quotem, by +his smartness of repartee and unceasing volubility of speech in recounting +his labours of a day—“a summer's day,” as the poet says, afforded +much amusement by his powers of out-talking the fribble of a Staymaker, +who, finding himself confused by his eternal clack, fled in search of +another customer. A Don Quixote was conferring the honour of knighthood on +a clumsy representative of the God of Love, and invoking his aid in +return, to accomplish the object of finding his lost Dulcinea. An +outlandish fancy-dressed character was making an assignation with a Lady, +who, having taken the veil and renounced the sex, kindly consented to +forego <span class="pagenum">[410]</span> her vows and meet him again; +while a Devil behind her was hooking the cock'd-hat of the gay deceiver to +the veil of the Nun, which created considerable laughter, for as they +attempted to separate, they were both completely unmasked, and discovered, +to the amazement of Tallyho, two well-known faces, little expected there +by him—no other than Merrywell as the Dandy Officer, and his friend +Mr. Safebind as the Nun. The exposure rather confused them, while Tom and +Bob joined the merry Devil in a loud burst of laughter—they however +bustled through the room and were quickly lost. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link2image-0008"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page410.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page410 Masquerade "><br> +</div> +<p> +A French <i>Frisseur</i>, without any knowledge of the language of the +nation from which he appeared to come, could only answer a question <i>a +la Françoise</i> from the accomplished Tom Dashall, by a volume of scented +powder from his puff, which being observed by a Chimney-sweeper, was +returned by dust of another colour from his soot-bag, till the +intermixture of white and black left it difficult to decide which was the +Barber and which the Sweep. They were now suddenly attracted by a +grotesque dance between a Clown of the Grimaldi school and a fancy Old +Woman in a garment of patch-work made in an ancient fashion. A red nose, +long rows of beads for ear-rings, and a pair of spectacles surmounted by a +high cauled-cap, decorated with ribbons of various hues, rendered her the +most conspicuous character in the room: and notwithstanding her +high-heeled shoes, she proved herself an excellent partner for the Clown. +</p> +<p> +By this time, Bob, who was anxious to carry his plan into execution, began +to be fidgetty, and proposed a walk into the open air again. As they left +the room, his ears were attracted by the following song by a Watchman, +which he could not help stopping to catch, and which afforded his Cousin +an excellent opportunity of giving him the slip: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Fly, ye prigs,{1} for now's the hour, +(Tho' boosey kids{2} have lost their power,) +When watchful Charleys,{3} like the Sun, +Their nightly course of duty run +Beneath the pale-faced moon; + +1 Prigs—Pickpockets. + +2 Boosey kids—Drunken men. + +3 Charleys—A cant term for watchmen. + +But take this warning while ye fly, +That if you nibble, click,{1} or clye,{2} +My sight's so dim, I cannot see, +Unless while you the blunt{3} tip me: +Then stay, then stay; +For I shall make this music speak,{4} +And bring you up before the Beak,{5} +Unless the chink's in tune. + +Now, ye rambling sons of night, +Or peep-o'-day boys{6} on your flight, +Well prim'd with Jack or Child Tom's juice, +While you the silver key{7} produce, +Your safety then is clear. +But snuffy,{8} and not up to snuff,{9} +You'll And your case is queer enough; +Shell out the nonsense;{10} half a quid{11} +Will speak more truth than all your whid:{12} + +Then go, then go; +For, if you linger on your way, +You'll for my music dearly pay, +I'll quod you, never fear.” + </div> +<p> +Turning round with laughter from this character, who had attracted many +hearers, he look'd in vain for Dashall, and was not displeased to find he +had fled. He therefore hastily withdrew from the scene of merriment, and +according to the instructions previously received, and for which he had +prepared, quickly changed his dress, and appeared again in the character +of a Judge, under the impression hinted by his counsellor, that the +gravity of his wig and gown, with a steady countenance, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Click—A contraction of the word clicker, for a watch. + +2 Clye—A pocket-handkerchief. + +3 Blunt—Money. + +4 Music—Alluding to the rattle. + +5 Beak—A magistrate. + +6 Peep-o'-day boys—Staunch good ones—reeling home after +the frolics of the night. + +7 Silver key—Money which is thus termed, as it is supposed +to open all places, and all hearts. + +“If you are sick and like to die, +And for the Doctor send, +Or have the cholic in your eye, +Still money is your friend—is it not?” + +8 Snuffy—Drunk. + +9 Up to Snuff—-Elevation of ideas. + +10 Shell out the nonsense—To pay money. + +11 Half a quid—Half a guinea. + +12 Whid—Words or talk. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[412]</span> would be a quiet and peaceable part to +get through, and shield him from the torment of those whom Bob suspected +willing to play tricks with him should he be discovered. Here however he +again found himself at fait, for he had scarcely entered the Gardens, +before a host of depredators were brought before him for trial. The +Charleys brought in succession, drunken Fiddlers, Tinkers and Barbers; and +appeals were made to his patience in so many voices, and under so many +varying circumstances, that Justice was nearly running mad, and poor +Tallyho could find no chance of making a reply. An uproar from the +approaching crowd, announced some more than ordinary culprit; and, in a +moment, who should appear before him but a Don Giovanni, and the hooking +Devil, Here was a fine case for decision; the Devil claimed the Don as his +property, and addressed the Representative of Justice as follows:— +</p> +<p> +“Most learned and puissant Judge! +</p> +<p> +“Protect my rights as you would the rights of man; I claim my property, +and will have my claim allowed.” + </p> +<p> +“Hold,” replied Bob, “if that is the case, you have no occasion to appeal +to me—begone, black wretch, and in thy native shades yell forth thy +discordant screams.” + </p> +<p> +“Most righteous Judge!—a second Daniel!” cried a bearded Shylock, +with his knife and scales, “he shan't escape me—I'll have my bond—so +bare his bosom 'next the heart'—let me come near him.” + </p> +<p> +“This is playing the Devil, indeed,” said the Don. +</p> +<p> +“By the Powers!” cried a 'Looney Mackwolteb,' “he's jump'd out of the fire +into the frying-pan; and, when the Smouchee has done wid him, he may be +grill'd in his own fat.” + </p> +<p> +At this moment, a Leporello, who caught the last words of the Irishman, +burst into the presence of the Judge, singing— +</p> +<p> +“Zounds, Sir, they'll grill you now, lean or fat, I know what games you +were always at, And told you before what harm you would hatch: Now the old +Gentleman's found you out, He'll clap us all in the round-about; Let us be +off, ere they call for the Watch.” + </p> +<p> +The word Watch was re-echoed in a thousand voices; the vociferations of +the callers, the noise of the rattles, <span class="pagenum">[413]</span> +and the laughter of those immediately surrounding the judgment-seat, +offered so good an opportunity for escape, that Giovanni, determining to +have another chance, burst from the grasp of the arch enemy of mankind, to +pursue his wonted vagaries, to the no small gratification of Bob, who, +without actually acquitting the prisoner, rejoiced at his own escape. +</p> +<p> +He had however scarcely time to congratulate himself, before he was +annoyed by a Postman, in the usual costume, whom he had already seen +delivering letters to the company; the contents of which appeared to +afford considerable amusement; and who, presenting a letter addressed to +The Lord Chief Justice Bunglecause, in a moment disappeared. Breaking open +the envelope, he read with astonishment the following lines:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Tho' justice prevails +Under big wigs and tails, +You've not much of law in your nob; +So this warning pray take, +Your big wig forsake, +And try a more modern scratch, Bob.” + </div> +<p> +“Go along Bob—Lord Chief Justice Bob in a scratch,” cried a Waterman +at his elbow, (who had heard him reading) in a voice loud enough to be +heard at some distance. +</p> +<p> +“There he'll be at home to a hair,” squeaked a little finicking +personification of a modern Peruquier, sidling up to him, picking his +teeth with a tortoise-shell comb. +</p> +<p> +Bob, in bursting hastily away, under the reiterated cries of “Go along Bob—Lord +Chief Justice Bob,” with the idea of overtaking the Postman, found himself +in a moment lock'd in the close embraces of a Meg Merrilies; while a +little bandy-legg'd representative of the late Sir Jeffery Dunstan, +bawling out, Ould wigs, Ould wigs, made a snatch at the grave appendage of +Justice, and completely dismantled the head of its august representative. +This delayed him in his progress, but it was merely to witness the wig +flying in the air, with as much mirth to the surrounding company as when +the greasy night-cap of the Rev. George Harvest was toss'd about the pit +at the theatre, each one giving it a swing who could get within reach of +it. Thus mutilated in his <span class="pagenum">[414]</span> apparel, and +probably conceiving, according to the song, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The wig's the thing, the wig, the wig, +The wisdom's in the wig,” + </div> +<p> +Bob Tallyho took flight into a dressing-room, declaring justice was abroad +and propriety not at home. He was however rather at a loss, as in his last +character he had not been able to meet with the Turk, but determined to +resume the search in a 'Domino. Having therefore equipped himself as a +spectator, he again sallied forth with intention to explore the room, and +for a time remained comparatively unmolested; but as he could no where +find his Cousin, he strolled indiscriminately among the characters, +viewing whatever appeared amusing or interesting in his way. The fineness +of the weather greatly animated the scene, and gave increased brilliancy +and effect to the illuminations, which were disposed in a numerous variety +of splendid devices, representing national trophies, stars, wreaths, and +crowns of laurel. It was the first moment he had found an opportunity of +viewing the place in which he had been acting. +</p> +<p> +The amusements of the evening were judiciously varied, and protracted by a +constant succession of entertainments of various descriptions. Mr. Chalons +exhibited many of his most surprising deceptions in the rotunda; where +also young Gyngell displayed some capital performances on the slack-wire. +In the long room the celebrated fantoccini exhibition, with groupes of +quadrille dancers, enlivened the scene. In one walk of the garden, Mr. +Gyngell's theatre of arts was erected, where were exhibited balancing, the +<i>Ombres Chinoises</i>, gymnastic exercises, and other feats, and Mr. +Gyngell performed several airs on the musical glasses; in another, +Punchinello delighted the beholders with his antics; in a third a very +expert Juggler played a variety of clever tricks and sleight-of-hand +deceptions, and a couple of itinerant Italians exhibited their musical and +mechanical show-boxes; in another part of the gardens the celebrated +Diavolo Antonio went through his truly astonishing evolutions on the <i>corde +volante</i>. The Duke of Gloucester's fine military band occupied the +grand orchestra; an excellent quadrille band played throughout the night +in the long room, while a Scottish reel band in the rotunda, and <span +class="pagenum">[415]</span> a Pandean band in the gardens, played +alternately reels, waltzes, and country dances. +</p> +<p> +This interval of peace was truly acceptable to Bob, and he did not fail to +make the most of it, roving like the bee from one delight to another, +sipping pleasure as he went, almost regretting he had not taken the last +dress first, though he was every now and then importuned by Mendicants and +Servant girls, very desirous to obtain places of all work. The +introduction of a Dancing Bear, who appeared to possess more Christian +qualities than his Leader, attracted his attention; but, in pressing to +the scene of action, he received a floorer from a Bruiser in gloves, who +mill'd indiscriminately all who came in his way, till the Bear took the +shine out of him by a fraternal embrace; and his Leader very politely +asked those around which they thought the greater bear of the two. Upon +rising, Bob found himself in the hands of two itinerant Quack Doctors, +each holding an arm, and each feeling for his pulse. One declared the case +was mortal, a dislocation of the neck had taken place, and there was no +chance of preserving life except by amputation of the head. The other +shook his head, look'd grave, pull'd out his lancet, and prescribed +phlebotomy and warm water. +</p> +<p> +Bob, who had received no injury, except a little contusion occasioned by +the blow, seized the ignorant practitioners by the throat, and knocking +their heads together, exclaimed with a stentorian voice, +</p> +<p> +“Throw physic to the clogs, I'll none on't.” “Go along Bob,” was repeated +again, as loud and as long as before; he however burst from those around +him in pursuit of fresh game; nor was he disappointed, for he presently +found a dapper young Clergyman in gown and surplice, and who, with book in +hand, was fervently engaged in exhortations and endeavours to turn from +the evil of their ways a drunken Sailor and a hardened thief, (the Orson +of the Iron Chest,) when the group were surrounded by a detachment of the +Imps and Devils of Giovanni in London, a truly horrid and diabolical crew, +who, by their hideous yells, frantic capers, violent gestures, and the +flaring of their torches, scared the affrighted Parson from his task, made +his intended penitents their own, and became an almost intolerable <span +class="pagenum">[416]</span> nuisance to the rest of the company for the +remainder of the evening. +</p> +<p> +While he was thus engaged, the supper-boxes were thrown open, and the +company appeared to be all on the move towards the more substantial +entertainments of the evening. He was next suddenly detained by a Jew +Pedlar, who was anxious to shew him his wares. +</p> +<p> +“Get out, Smouchee,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Ant is dat all vat you can say to a poor honesht Jew, what vants to live +by his 'trade, for vye you trow my religionsh in my teeth? I'm so honesht +vat I never cheats nobody—vill you puy a gould———l +Vat you take for your gown? I shall puy or sell, it's all the same to me. +</p> +<p> +“Now whatsoever country by chance I travel through, 'Tis all the same to +I, so the monies but comes in; Some people call me tief, just because I am +a Jew; So to make them tell the truth, vy I tinks there is no sin. So I +shows them all mine coots vid a sober, winning grace, And I sometimes +picks dere pockets whilst they're smiling in my face.” + </p> +<p> +Bob laugh'd, but declared he'd have nothing to do with him. +</p> +<p> +“Then,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “you may go along Bob.” + </p> +<p> +“What! is it possible? I have been looking for you these two hours.” + </p> +<p> +“I can't eat pork,” said Dashall, resuming his character. +</p> +<p> +“Come along,” said Bob, happy to find his relation; and catching him by +the arm, they proceeded to refreshment, and partook of an excellent supper +of cold viands plentifully supplied, and accompanied with a profusion of +ices and jellies, served up in a style highly creditable to the managers. +</p> +<p> +Here they were joined by Mortimer, who had been as frolicsome as any imp +in the Gardens, in the character of the Devil, but who had lost sight of +the Dandy Officer and the Nun, whom he had so ingeniously hooked together. +The wine was good, and after enjoying their repast, Tom and Mortimer +enshrined themselves in dominos for the remainder of the evening. The +usual masquerade frolics and dancing were afterwards continued, and about +five in the morning they left this region of fun, mirth and good humour.<span +class="pagenum">[417]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link22HCH0011"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXVII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +That Life is a picture of strange things and ways, +A grand exhibition, each hour displays; +And for London there's no place can with it compare, +?Tis a jumble of every thing curious and rare. +Cheap-side Bustlers—Fleet Street Hustlers, +Jockeys, Doctors—Agents, Proctors, +Bow Street Slangups—Bond Street Bangups, +Hide and Seekers—Opera Squeakers, +Lawyers, Tailors—Bailiffs, Jailors, +Shopmen, Butlers—Alderman Gutters, +Patriot Talkers—Sunday Walkers, +Dancers, Actors—Jews, Contractors, +Placemen, Croakers—Boxers, Brokers, +Swindlers, Coroners—Spies, and Foreigners, +And all, all to keep up the bubble of strife, +And prove ways and means—is the picture of Life. +</div> +<p> +THE bustle and merriment of the Masquerade were long remembered in the +mind of Bob Tallyho, and furnished frequent conversations between him and +his Cousin; and the laughable occurrences of the evening, in which they +had been engaged, were re-enjoyed in recollection, notwithstanding the +preparations they were making for an excursion of another kind in the +country, which though not exactly to the taste of Dashall, was inflexibly +persevered in by Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +Tom tried every effort in his power to prolong the appointed period of +departure in A'ain. The heart and mind of his Cousin appeared to be +occupied with anticipated delights, which he described in the most glowing +colours of imagination. The healthful fields, the enlivening fox chase, +and the sportive exercises of a country life, were detailed with ecstacy; +and though last, not least, the additional zest for the more attractive +scenes (in Tom's idea) that would present themselves for inspection upon a +return to the Metropolis. At length it was finally arranged that their +country excursion should not exceed <span class="pagenum">[418]</span> one +month in duration, and that they would leave London time enough to reach +Belville Hall on or before the first day of September. +</p> +<p> +Dashall, after consenting to this arrangement, finding there was not much +time to spare, was anxious to improve it in the pursuit of such lively and +interesting amusements as chance and accident might throw in their way. +“Come,” said he, a few mornings after the masquerade, “it must not be said +that you have been so long in London without viewing as many of its +important curiosities as the time would admit; though I am sure we shall +not have an opportunity of glancing at all those I could point out, and I +am pretty sure that persons from the country frequently see more in a few +days residence in the Metropolis, than those who have inhabited it for +their whole lives. We will therefore take a stroll out, without any +determined line of pursuit, and survey what chance may bring in our way; +for the places deserving of particular inspection are so numerous, and lay +in so many directions, that it is scarcely possible for us to turn round +without finding some objects and subjects yet in store. +</p> +<p> +Thus saying, and taking the arm of his Cousin, they walked along +Piccadilly in a direction for the City; for as it was a clear morning, +Tom, although he had not mentioned the road he meant to take, still had an +object in view. +</p> +<p> +“It is certainly much to be deplored,” said he, as they were just entering +Leicester Square by Sydney's Alley, “that the abominable nuisance of +barrows being driven on the pavement cannot be removed; it is a great +shame that lusty and able fellows should be wheeling foul linen, hogwash, +and other filthy articles along the street, to the annoyance and +inconvenience of pedestrians.” + </p> +<p> +“I am of your opinion,” replied his Cousin; “but during the short time I +have been here, I have discovered many other equally objectionable +annoyances. There is, for instance, the carrying of milk pails, which, +unless great care is taken, are so likely to break people's shins; and in +dirty weather the trundling of boys' hoops, to the discomfiture of many a +well-dressed Lady.” + </p> +<p> +At this moment a butcher was passing with a tray heavily loaded, and Bob +narrowly escaped a blow from the projecting corner, which immediately +induced him to add that to the number of what he termed street <span +class="pagenum">[419]</span> grievances, and almost to overturn both the +carrier and his load. +</p> +<p> +“A lucky escape,” said Dashall, “for you might have lost an eye by coming +in contact with that tray, and I wonder a stop is not put to the +probability of such fatal accidents. It is related that a certain City +Alderman, whose constitution, it may be presumed, is rather of a +combustible nature, by the alarms he spread during his mayoralty, of the +intention to burn the City of London, and destroy all its peaceable +inhabitants, thrashed a butcher who ran against him in the public street. +This it must be admitted was a summary mode of punishment, although it was +not likely to remove the nuisance; but there are still many that are not +enumerated in your list. Both by day and night in the most frequented +streets of the Metropolis and its environs, the unoffending passengers of +either sex are frequently obstructed on, or absolutely pushed off the +pavement by a trio of arm-in-arm puppies; nay they will sometimes sweep +the whole of the space from the wall to the curb stone, by walking four +abreast, a practice brutally infringing the laws of civil society in +pedestrian excursions through a crowded Metropolis. +</p> +<p> +“I have however with pleasure, upon some occasions, seen these vile +trespassers meet with a just resentment in the unexpected pugilistic +exertions of the insulted party; and have almost rejoiced to see them +packed into a coach and sent home with bruises, black eyes, and bloody +noses, serving, it is to be hoped, as wholesome lessons for their future +conduct. In some cases duels have arisen from this violation of decorum in +the King's highway, and by this means, scoundrels have been admitted to +the undeserved honour of being met on a level by gentlemen. +</p> +<p> +“These,” continued he, “are the polite encroachers on the pavé.. There +are, however, many others, but of a less censurable, though certainly of a +finable description; such as journeymen bakers wheeling barrows conveying +the staff of life—publicans' boys collecting pewter pots—lady +drivers of similar vehicles, containing oysters, inferior or damaged +fruit, delicate prog for pug dogs, cats, &c. +</p> +<p> +“After all, the most prominent offenders, or at least obstructors of the +public way, in my opinion, are those sturdy John Bulls, brewers' servants, +by means of ropes <span class="pagenum">[420]</span> and pulleys affixed +to their drays, lowering down beer into, or drawing up empty casks from +the cellars of public-houses. Now although this may be unavoidable, ask +one of these bluff bipeds to let you pass, the consequence frequently will +be, instead of rough civility, an insolent reply accompanied with vulgar +oaths; in short, a torrent of abuse, if not a shove into the kennel; +perhaps a grimy rope thrown against your white stockings. Private, +emolument and convenience certainly ought to give way to public +accommodation.” + </p> +<p> +“Confound that dustman's bell,” said Bob, as they passed down Wych-street; +“it is as bad as any thing we nave mentioned yet; it absolutely deafens +one.” + </p> +<p> +“Oh, if you call noises nuisances, we may go on with a list from this time +to this day month, and scarcely comprehend them. The cries of London are +many of them very laughable, and many very lamentable, and by way of +contrast to the deafening dustman, take care of the bespatterings from the +mud cart. The garlick-eating rogues, the drivers of these inconvenient +conveniences, grinning horribly their ghastly smiles, enjoy a most +malicious pleasure in the opportunities which chance affords them, of +lending a little additional decoration from the contents of their carts, +by way of embellishment to a cleanly dressed passenger. Therefore keep, if +possible, at such a respectful distance as to avoid the effects of this +low envy, and steer clear of the mudlarks.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had passed through the line of leading thoroughfares, +and had St. Paul's in their view, when Tom took occasion to remark, “He +was sorry the scaffolding was not removed, or,” continued he, “we would +soon have mounted above these petty considerations, and looked down upon +the world. However, we can take a tolerable survey of the metropolis from +the Monument, and as it is not much farther, we may as well extend our +walk to that celebrated pillar, said to be one of the finest in the world, +and erected by Sir Christopher Wren in memory of the great fire which in +1666 broke out at a house on the spot, and destroyed the metropolis from +Tower Hill to Temple Bar. From this pillar you will have a fine panoramic +view of London, Westminster, and Southwark; and as we are about to leave +its noise, its bustle, and its inconveniences in a day or two, we may as +well take a general survey.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[421]</span> Bob having signified his consent to +this proposal, they made the best of their way to the Monument, where +having deposited the customary entrance money with the door-keeper, they +were allowed to ascend by the winding staircase to the top, when a +prospect was presented to the eye of Tallyho, of which he could not have +formed any previous conception. The view of the river as far as the eye +could reach, each way, the moving of the boats, the bustle and activity of +the streets, and the continued hum which arose to their ears, formed +altogether a subject of delightful contemplation; while the appearance of +being as it were suspended in the air, rendered it awful and terrific. Bob +had almost grown giddy in his ascension, and for some time took care to +keep a fast hold of the iron railings at top, in order to secure himself +from falling; till Dashall drew from his pocket a telescope, and directed +his attention to Greenwich Hospital, Shooter's Hill, and the public +buildings at a distance, where they were scarcely discernible by the naked +eye. Bob was delighted with the view of Greenwich Hospital, and the +account which his Cousin gave him of the establishment; and upon +descending they took a complete walk round this celebrated pillar, marking +its decorations and reading the inscription. +</p> +<p> +“It is,” said Tom, “a fluted column of the Doric order; the total height +is 202 feet, the diameter at the base 15 feet, and the height of the +column 120 feet; the cone at the top, with its urn, are 42 feet; the +height of the massy pedestal is 40 feet; there are 345 steps inside; but,” + continued he, 'it is really a great pity that this beautiful Monument +should be in such a confined situation, for in a proper place it would +form one of the most striking objects of the kind that architecture is +capable of producing.' +</p> +<p> +“The inscription, it is true,” continued Dashall, “had better be erased, +it contains a libel, or more properly a lie, which almost contradicts +itself, for no rational being can entertain the notion that the Catholics, +or indeed any religious sect, could wilfully have perpetrated so horrible +a deed as this pillar was intended to impute to them; nor can so much +credit be given to human foresight as for it to be concluded that a fire, +which broke out in a single house, could upon this, rather than upon other +occasions, have extended its ravages in so extraordinary a manner.— +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[422]</span> While we arc on the spot we will take a +peep at a curious piece of antiquity; not that I am so great a lover of +such curiosities, but it would appear almost unpardonable for you to have +been in London without seeing London Stone.” + </p> +<p> +“I have heard of it,” said Tallyho, “and if we are near, let us have a +view.” + </p> +<p> +“Come on then,” said Dashall; “This same London Stone is at present fixed +close under the south wall of St. Swithin's Church, Cannon Street. It has +by some been supposed of British origin, a kind of solemn boundary, or +some other object probably of a religious nature, which through every +change and convulsion of the State has been preserved with reverential +care. But this is the very place,” said he. +</p> +<p> +Bob stared about him with surprise, to discover this curious and +apparently valuable relic, without finding it, till at length his Cousin +directed his attention to the spot, which at present is under a +pitching-block, or resting-place for persons carrying heavy loads, and +almost burst into laughter, for he had raised his Cousin's expectation by +the previous description. +</p> +<p> +“How!” said Tallyho, “and is this your curiosity?” + </p> +<p> +“Even so,” replied Tom, “that is the celebrated London Stone; it formerly +stood nearer the middle of the street, was placed deep in the ground, and +strongly fixed with iron bars. According to account, the first mention of +it was in the reign of Ethelstan, king of the West Saxons, and it has been +usually viewed by our antiquaries as a military stone, from which the +Romans began the computation of their miles, a conjecture which certainly +appears very reasonable, not only from the discovery of the Roman road +after the year 1666, running directly to this stone from Watling Street, +but from the exact coincidence which its distance bears with the +neighbouring station, mentioned in Antonine's Itinerary, the principal of +whose Journeys either begin or end with London.” + </p> +<p> +The sound of a horn interrupted this conversation. +</p> +<p> +“Apropos,” said Tom, “we can take the Post Office in our way, a place of +considerable importance; so allons.” + </p> +<p> +They now pursued their way to Lombard Street. +</p> +<p> +“This collection of buildings,” said Dashall, as they entered, “important +as its concerns are to the nation, claims no praise as a building. It +stands behind Lombard <span class="pagenum">[423]</span> Street, from +which, on the south side of the street, there is a passage leading to it, +under an arched gateway. +</p> +<p> +“A plan has, however, been adopted for erecting a building worthy of this +great establishment, on the site now called St. Martin's-le-grand, and to +improve the access to it by pulling down the east ends of Newgate Street +and Paternoster-Row. It is now proceeding rapidly. +</p> +<p> +“The Post-office system is, however, one of the most perfect regulations +of finance and convenience existing under any government. It has gradually +been brought to its present perfection, being at first in the hands of +individuals, and replete with abuses. In its present form it not only +supplies the government with a great revenue, but accomplishes that by +means highly beneficial to the persons contributing. +</p> +<p> +“The Post-office is the most important spot on the surface of the globe. +It receives information from all countries; it distributes instructions to +the antipodes; it connects together more numerous and distant interests of +men than any similar establishment. It is in the highest degree hitherto +realized, the seat of terrestrial perception and volition—the brain +of the whole earth; and hitherto it has been in a narrow valley, misshapen +even to deformity, and scarcely accessible to the few mail coaches which +collect there for their nightly freights. +</p> +<p> +“The present Post-office was erected in 1660; but great additions have +been made to it from time to time, though the whole is disjointed and +inconvenient. +</p> +<p> +“The mode of carrying letters by the General Post was greatly improved a +few years since, by a most admirable plan, invented by Mr. Palmer. +Previously to its adoption, letters were conveyed by carts, without +protection from robbery, and subject to delays. At present they are +carried, according to Mr. Palmer's plan, by coaches, distinguished by the +name of mail-coaches, provided with a well-armed guard, and forwarded at +the rate of eight miles an hour, including stoppages. Government contracts +with coach-keepers merely for carrying the mail, the coach-owner making a +profitable business besides, of carrying passengers and parcels. It is not +easy to imagine a combination of different interests to one purpose, more +complete than this. The wretched situation, however, of the horses, on +account of the length of the stages which they are frequently driven, is a +disgrace to the character <span class="pagenum">[424]</span> of the +British nation, and requires the interference of the legislature. No stage +should exceed twelve miles in length. +</p> +<p> +“The rapidity of this mode of conveyance is unequalled in any country, and +the present rate of charge for each passenger is little more than sixpence +per mile. +</p> +<p> +“Houses having boxes, for receiving letters before five o'clock, are open +in every part of the Metropolis; and after that hour bell-men collect the, +letters during another hour, receiving a fee of one 'penny for each +letter. But, at the General Post-office, in Lombard Street, letters are +received till seven o'clock: after which time, till half an hour after +seven, a fee of sixpence must be paid; and from half after seven till a +quarter before eight, the postage must also be paid, as well as the fee of +sixpence.” + </p> +<p> +“Well,” said Tallyho, “for a place of such public utility and constant +resort, I must confess I expected to see a building of the most +magnificent kind; but I am also puzzled to conceive how such extensive +business can be carried on with so much regularity as it is.” + </p> +<p> +“Your observation,” replied his Cousin, “exactly coincides with that of +many others; but you will some day or other be as much surprised on other +subjects, for there are places in London where mercantile and legal +business is conducted in situations of obscurity, of which you can have no +conception; but as a national establishment, though its internal +regulations are good, its external appearance is no recommendation to it. +But come, let us proceed towards home, I have a call or two to make on the +road, for as we depart quickly for the open fields, and are to bid adieu +to London smoke as well as London Stone, we have but little time to spare, +so let us post away.” + </p> +<p> +Bob, alive to this subject, did not require a second hint, but taking the +arm of Dashall, they proceeded along Cheapside, made a call at Mortimer's, +the Gun-smith's on Ludgate hill, provided themselves with all necessary +shooting apparatus; and Tom, ever mindful of the variety which he +conceived would be needful to render rusticity agreeable on their way, +purchased a pair of boxing gloves, a backgammon board, and other amusing +articles, to provide, as he said, against a rainy day. +</p> +<p> +On arrival at home, they were presented with a letter from Sparkle, +announcing his arrival at his new mansion, and expressing a hope that he +should have the pleasure of <span class="pagenum">[425]</span> meeting his +friends within a day or two; expatiating with great apparent delight upon +the happiness of his own situation, and promising lots of amusement, in +detailing to them the events of his peregrinations. This operated as an +additional spur to the speed of their departure, and it was agreed that +they should start the next morning. +</p> +<p> +“I don't know,” said Bob, “whether I should really like a continued Life +in London; I have seen many of its comforts and many of its +inconveniences.” “Then,” replied Tom, “you may certainly, by the exercise +of your reason, and the decision of your judgment, upon mature reflection, +strike the balance; and if you do not give it in favour of the former, I +shall entertain doubts upon your sagacity.” + </p> +<p> +“Well,” continued Bob, “I shall now have a fine opportunity for drawing +out a distinct account, and when done, I will submit the result to your +inspection.” + </p> +<p> +Every thing being prepared, they were on the road to Belville Hall at an +early hour the next morning. +</p> +<p> +As the occurrences of a Country excursion, or the delineation of a Country +Life, form no part of the intended plan of this Work, we shall not enter +into any detailed account; but leaving our Heroes in the pursuit of fresh +game, under new circumstances, and in somewhat new situations, bear in our +minds their intended return, to engage, contemplate, and enjoy a future +review of the complicated, yet ever new and ever varying scenes of a Real +Life in London, with a determination to meet them on arrival, and not lose +sight of them in their future rambles. +</p> +<p> +END OF VOL. I. <br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> <br> <br> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img alt="london_spines (64K)" src="images/london_spines.jpg" style="width:100%;" > <br> +<br> +</div> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img alt="titlpage_vol2 (87K)" src="images/titlpage_vol2.jpg" style="width:100%;" ><br> +</div> +<h2> +REAL LIFE IN LONDON, VOLUME II. +</h2> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +Detailed Contents +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Chapter I. + +A return to the metropolis, 2. Instance of exorbitant +charges, 3. Field-marshal Count Bertrand, 4. Lines on the +late Napoleon, 5. A mysterious vehicle, 6. The devil in Long +Acre, 7. The child in the hay, 8. A family triumvirate, 9. +Egyptian monuments, 10. Relations of Gog and Magog +discovered, 11. The Theban ram, 12. Egyptian antiquities, +13. Egyptian mummies, &c. 14. Curiosities of the museum, 15. +Statues of Bedford and Fox, 16. The knowing one deceived, +17. Covent Garden Market, 18. Miss Linwood's exhibition, 19. + +Chapter II. + +Tothill-fields Bridewell, 20. Perversion of justice, 21. A +laudable resolution, 22. Success and disappointment, 23. A +story out of the face, 24. A critical situation, 25. A hair- +breadth escape, 26. Kidnappers, or crimps, 27. Summary +justice averted, 28. Swindling manoeuvres, 29. Estates, &c. +in nubibus, 30. Fetters and apathy, 31. Urchin thief +picking-pockets, 32. Juvenile depravity, 33. + +Chapter III. + +Life in St. George's Fields, 34. Chums—Day rules, &c. 35. +Hiring a horse—A bolter, 36. Characters of Abbot's priory, +37. Introductory sketch, 38. The flying pieman, 39. +Commercial activity, 40. A cutting joke, 41. Magdalen +Hospital, 42. Curious anecdote, 43. Surrey Theatre, &c, 44. +Admixture of characters, &c. 45. + +Chapter IV. + +Entry to Abbott's park, 46. A world within walls, 47. +Finding a friend at home, 48. Exterior of the chapel, 49. A +finish to education, 50. The walking automaton, 51. The +parliamentary don, 52. The tape merchant, &c. 53. A morning +in the Bench, 54. Prison metamorphoses, 55. Friendly +congratulations, 56. Preparations for a turn to, 57. The +college cries, 58. Another real character, 59. A mutual +take-in, 60. A college dinner, 61. Free from college rules, +62. A heavy-wet party, 63. Keeping the game alive, 64. An +agreeable surprise, 65. Harmony disturbed, 66. + +Chapter V. + +London munificence, 67. Vauxhall Bridge, 68. Millbank +Penitentiary, 69. Metamorphoses of time, 70. Cobourg +Theatre, 71. Retrospection, 72. Intellectual progress, 73. +Wonders of the moderns, 74. Bridge-Street association, 75. +Infidel pertinacity, 76. City coffee house, 77. St. Paul's +Cathedral, 78. Clockwork and great bell, 79. Serious +cogitations disturbed, 80. A return homeward, 81. + +Chapter VI. + +Westminster Abbey, 82. Monuments—Poets' corner, 83. Henry +Seventh's chapel, 84. Interesting prospect, 85. Fees exacted +for admission, 86. Westminster Hall—Whitehall, 87. Sir +Robert Wilson, 88. Temptations to depredation, 89. Sympathy +excited, 90. A sad story strangely told, 91. Fleet Street— +Doctor Johnson, 92. Fleet Market, 93. The market in an +uproar, 94. The rabbit pole-girl, 95. Princess of +Cumberland, 96. Doubts of royal legitimacy, 97. Mud-larks, +picking up a living, 98. The boil'd beef house, 99. A +spunger, 100. Gaol of Newgate, 101. Jonathan Wild's +residence, 102. Entering the Holy Land, 103. The Holy Land, +104. Salt herrings and dumplings, 105. Deluge of beer, 106. +Mrs. C*r*y, 107. Andrew Whiston, 108. + +Chapter VII. + +A dinner party, 109. Complimentary song, 110. Irish posting, +111. Extraordinary robbery, 112. Follies of fashion—ennui, +113. A set-to in a gambling house, 114. A nunnery—the Lady +abbess, 115. Life in a cellar, 116. Advantageous offer +rejected, 117. “Bilge water not whiskey,” 118. Aqua fortis +and aqua fifties, 119. A quarrel—appeal to justice, 120. +Finale of a long story, 121. + +Chapter VIII. + +An unexpected visitor, 122. Private accommodations, 123. The +hero of Waterloo, 124. “The lungs of the metropolis,” 125. +How to cut up a human carcass. 126. Resurrectionists, 127. A +perambulation of discovery, 128. Irish recognition, 129. A +discovery—Mother Cummings, 130. Wife hunting, 131. +Elopement, 132. Female instability, 133. Manouvres Return to +town, 134. Making the most of a good thing, 135. Ingenious +female shop-lifter, 136. + +Chapter IX. + +Thieves of habit and necessity, 137. A felicitous meeting, +138. Shopping—Ludicrous anecdote, 139. A tribute of +respect, 140. Royal waxworks, Fleet Street, 141. Sir Felix +as Macbeth, 142. Irish love, 143. Apathy in the midst of +danger, 144. “No wassel in the lob,” 145. The bear at +Kensington Palace, 146. + +Chapter X. + +A change of pursuits, 147. Almack's Rooms, 148. A fancy- +dress ball, 149. Selection of partners, 150. Family +portraits, 151. A rout and routed, 152. Pleasures of +matrimony, 153. The discomfited Virtuoso, 154. + +Chapter XI. + +Frolics of Greenwich fair, 155. Dr. Eady—Wall chalking, +156. Packwood and puffing, 157. Greenwich Hospital, 158. +Greenwich pensioners, 159. Veterans at ease, 160. The old +commodore, 161. “Fought his battles o'er again,” 162. The +Chapel—Hall, &e. 163. + +Chapter XII. + +An early hour in Piccadilly, 164. Cleopatra's needle, 165. A +modest waterman, 166. Interesting scenery, 167. Philosophy +in humble life, 168. Southwark Bridge, 169. London Bridge- +The Shades, 170. Itinerant musicians, 171. “Do not leave +your goods,” 172. Riches of Lombard Street, 173. Mansion +House, 174. Curious case in justice room, 175. A reasonable +proposition, 176. + +Chapter XIII. + +An hour in the Sessions House, 177. A piteous tale of +distress, 178. Low life, 179. Serious business, 180. A +capture, 181. Johnny-raws and green-horns, 182. Decker the +prophet, 183. A devotee in danger, 184. + +Chapter XIV. + +A morning at home, 185. High life, 186. Converting felony +into debt, 187. Scene in a madhouse, 188. Apathy of +undertakers, 189. A provident undertaker, 190. A bribe +rejected, 191. Antiquated virginity, 192. Arrangements for +Easter, 193. A Sunday morning lounge, 194. Setting out for +Epping hunt, 195. Involuntary flight, 196. Motley groups on +the road, 197. Disasters of cockney sportsmen, 198. A +beautiful crature of sixty, 199. Tothill-fields fair, 200. +Whimsical introduction, 201. Ball at the Mansion-House, 202. + +Chapter XV. + +Guildhall, 203. Palace Yard—Relieving Guard, 204. The +regions below, 205. An old friend in the dark, 206. Seeing +clear again, 207. A rattler, 208. + +Chapter XVI. + +Civic festivity, 209. Guildhall, 210. Council chamber— +Paintings, 211. City public characters, 212. A modern +Polyphemus, 213. A classic poet, 214. Rhyming contagious, +215. Smithfield prad-sellers, 216. Jockeyship in the east, +217. A peep at the Theatre, 218. The Finish, Covent Garden, +219. Wags of the Finish, 220. Smoking and joking, 222. + +Chapter XVII. + +A morning visit, 223. The fine arts, 224. Public +exhibitions, 225. Living artists, 226. Horse Guards— +Admiralty, 227. Westminster Bridge, 228. Promenade Rooms, +229. Improvements in the Park, 230. Ludicrous anecdote, 231. +A crazy fabric, 232. Regal splendour, 233. Marlborough +House, 234. Limmer's Hotel, 235. Laconic prescription, 236. +How to take it all, 237. How to get a suit of clothes, 238. +Ingenious swindling, 239. Talent perverted, 240. + +Chapter XVIII. + +The Harp, Drury Lane, 241. Wards of city of Lushington, 242. +The social compact, 243. A popular election, 244. Close of +the poll, 245. Oratorical effusions, 246. Harmony and +conviviality, 247. Sprees of the Market, 248. A lecture on +heads, 249. A stroll down Drury Lane, 250. A picture of real +characters, 251. “The burning shame,” 253. Ludicrous +procession, 254. + +Chapter XIX. + +An old friend returned, 255. A good object in view, 256. An +alarming situation, 257. Choice of professions, 258. Pursuit +of fortune, 259. Advantages of law, 260. A curious law case, +261. Further arrangements, 262. + +Chapter XX. + +St. George's day, 263. Royalty on the wing, 264. Progress to +the levee, 265. An unfortunate apothegm, 266. How to adjust +a quarrel, 267. Wisdom in wigs, 268. A classical +acquaintance, 269. Royal modesty, 270. Ludicrous anecdote, +271. A squeeze in the drawing-room, 272. Pollution of the +sanctorum, 273. Procession of mail coaches, &c. 274. A +parody, 275. Two negatives make a positive, 276. Remarkable +anecdote, 277. Marrow-bones and cleavers, 278. The king and +the laureat, 279. A remonstrance, 280. Hint at retrenchment, +281. + +Chapter XXI. + +Diversity of opinions, 282. A fresh start, 283. A critique +on names, 284. The Cafe Royale, Regent Street, 285. A +singular character, 286. Quite inexplicable, 287. +Development, 288. Aquatic excursion, 289. A narrow escape, +290. Tower of London, 291. The lost pilot found, 295. River +gaiety, 296. Rowing match, 297. + +Chapter XXII. + +The tame hare, 298. Ingenuity of man, 299. London sights and +shows, 300. Automaton chess player, 301. South sea bubble, +302. New City of London tavern, 303. Moorfields, 304. +Epitaph collector, 305. Monumental gleanings, 307. +Voluminous collectors, 309. A horned cock, 310. +Extraordinary performance, 311. Female salamander, 312. +Regent's Canal, 313. Anecdote of a gormandizer, 314. Eating +a general officer alive, 315. A field orator, 316. + +Chapter XXIII. + +Munster simplicity, 317. A visit to an astrologer, 318. A +peep into futurity, 319. Treading-mill, 320. An unexpected +occurrence, 321. The sage taken in, 322. Statue of ill luck, +323. A concatenation of exquisites, 324. How to walk the +streets, 325. How to make a thoroughfare, 326. Dog stealers, +327. Canine knavery, 328. A vexatious affair, 329. How to +recruit your finances, 330. A domestic civic dinner, 331. +The very respectable man, 332. + +Chapter XXIV. + +Vauxhall Gardens, 334, Various amusements, 335. Sober +advice, 336. Fashionable education, 337. University +education, 338. Useful law proceedings, 339. How to punish a +creditor, 340. Exalted characters, 341. Profligacy of a +peer, 342. Mr. Spankalong, 343. Other characters of ton, +344. Sprig of fashion, 345. An everlasting prater, 346. And +incorrigible fribble, 347. Kensington Gardens and Park, 348. +Statue of Achilles, 349. + +Chapter XXV. + +A medley of characters, 353. Fashionables, 354. More +fashionables, 355. More life in St. Giles's, 356. +Reconnoitring—a discovery, 357. Tragedy prevented, 358. +Fat, fair, and forty, 359. Philosophic coxcombs, 360 Blanks +in society, 361. + +Chapter XXVI. + +A ride, 362. Exceptions to trade rivalship, 363. Effects of +superior education, 364. Affectation in names, 365. +Portraits of governesses, 366. Road to matrimony, 367. +Villainy of private madhouses, 369. Appearances may deceive, +370. + +Chapter XXVII. + +Pleasing intelligence, 371. Moralizing a little, 373. Cries +of London, 374. The Blacking Poet, 375. Literary squabble +376. Curious Merchandise, 377. + +Chapter XXVIII. + +A new object of pursuit, 378. Royal visit to Scotland, 379. +Embarkation, 381. Royal recollections, 38 2. + +Chapter XXIX. + +Port of London, 383. Descriptive entertainment, 384. A rea +swell party, 385. An Irish dancing master, 386. Female +disaster, 387. Blackwall—East India Docks, 388. Sir Robert +Wigram, 389. Domestic happiness, 390. West India Docks, 391. +Loudon Docks, 393. News from home, 394. + +Chapter XXX. + +Travelling preparations, 395. Whimsical associations, 396. +Antiquity and origin of signs, 397. Signs of altered times, +398. Ludicrous corruptions, 399. A curious metamorphosis, +400. A sudden breeze, 401. A smell of powder, 402. + +Chapter XXXI. + +An unexpected visitor, 403. Sketches of fashionable life, +404. A Corinthian rout, 405. A Corinthian dinner party, 406. +A new picture of real life, 409. More wise men of the East, +411. + +Chapter XXXII. + +Anticipation of danger, 415. Smoke without fire, 416. +Fonthill Abbey, 417. Instability of fortune, 419. Wealth +without ostentation, 420. Eccentricity of character, 421. +Extremes meeting, 422. + +Chapter XXXIII. + +Sketches of new scenes, 423. A critical essay on taste, 424. +The pleasures of the table, 425. A whimsical exhibition, +426. Canine sobriety, 427. + +Chapter XXXIV. + +Anticipation, 428. Obligation, 429. Change of subjects, 430 +Magasin de Mode, 431. Bell, Warwick Lane, 432. Bull and +Mouth Street, 433. Bull and Mouth Inn, 434. Jehu chaff, 435. +Adieu to London, 436. +</div> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<div class='chapter ph2'> +REAL LIFE IN LONDON +</div> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0001"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER I +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +With what unequal tempers are we form'd! +One day the soul, elate and satisfied, +Revels secure, and fondly tells herself +The hour of evil can return no more: +The next, the spirit, pall'd and sick of riot, +Turns all to discord, and we hate our being, +Curse our past joys, and think them folly all. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[1]</span>MATTER and motion, say Philosophers, are +inseparable, and the doctrine appears equally applicable to the human +mind. Our country Squire, anxious to testify a grateful sense of the +attentions paid him during his London visit, had assiduously exerted +himself since his return, in contributing to the pleasures and amusements +of his visitors; and Belville Hall presented a scene of festive +hospitality, at once creditable to its liberal owner, and gratifying to +the numerous gentry of the surrounding neighbourhood. +</p> +<p> +But however varied and numerous the sports and recreations of rural life, +however refined and select the circle of its society, they possessed not +the endless round of metropolitan amusement, nor those ever-varying +delights produced amid “the busy hum of men,” where every street is +replete with incident and character, and every hour fraught with +adventure. +</p> +<p> +Satiety had now evidently obtruded itself amid the party, and its +attendants, lassitude and restlessness, were not long in bringing up the +rear. The impression already made upon the mind of Bob by the cursory view +he had taken of Life in London was indelible, and it required little +persuasion on the part of his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, to induce him +again to return to scenes of so much delight, and which afforded such +inexhaustible stores of amusement to an ardent and youthful curiosity. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[2]</span>A return to the Metropolis having +therefore been mutually agreed upon, and every previous arrangement being +completed, the Squire once more abdicated for a season his paternal +domains, and accompanied by his cousin Dashall, and the whole <i>ci-devant</i> +party of Belville Hall, arrived safe at the elegant mansion of the latter, +where they planned a new system of perambulation, having for its object a +further investigation of manners, characters, objects, and incidents, +connected with <i>Real Life in London</i>. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” cried Dashall, one fine morning, starting up immediately after +breakfast— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——rouse for fresh game, and away let us haste, +The regions to roam of wit, fashion, and taste; +Like Quixote in quest of adventures set out, +And learn what the crowds in the streets are about; +And laugh when we must, and approve when we can, +Where London displays ev'ry feature of man.” + </div> +<p> +“The numerous hotels, bagnios, taverns, inns, coffee-houses, +eating-houses, lodging-houses, &c. in endless variety, which meet the +eye in all parts of the metropolis, afford an immediate choice of +accommodation, as well to the temporary sojourner as the permanent +resident; where may be obtained the necessaries and luxuries of life, +commensurate with your means of payment, from one shilling to a guinea for +a dinner, and from sixpence to thirty shillings a night for a lodging! +</p> +<p> +“The stranger recommended to one of these hotels, who regales himself +after the fatigues of a journey with moderate refreshment, and retires to +rest, and preparing to depart in the morning, is frequently surprised at +the longitudinal appearance and sum total of his bill, wherein every item +is individually stated, and at a rate enormously extravagant. Remonstrance +is unavailable; the charges are those common to the house, and in failure +of payment your luggage is under detention, without the means of redress; +ultimately the bill must be paid, and the only consolation left is, that +you have acquired a useful, though expensive lesson, how to guard in +future against similar exaction and inconvenience."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Marlborough Street.—Yesterday, Mrs. Hickinbottom, the +wife of Mr. Hickinbottom, the keeper of the St. Petersburgh +Hotel in Dover Street, Piccadilly, appeared to a summons to +answer the complaint of a gentleman for unlawfully detaining +his luggage under the following circumstances: The +complainant stated, that on Thursday evening last, on his +arrival in town from Aberdeen, he went to the White Horse +Cellar, Piccadilly; but the house being full, he was +recommended to the St. Petersburgh Hotel in Dover Street; +where, having taken some refreshment and wrote a letter, he +went to bed, and on the following morning after break-fast, +he desired the waiter to bring him his bill, which he did, +and the first item that presented itself was the moderate +charge of one pound ten shillings for his bed; and then +followed, amongst many others, sixpence for a pen, a +shilling for wax, a shilling for the light, and two and +sixpence for other lights; so that the bill amounted in the +whole to the sum of two pounds one shilling for his night's +lodging! To this very exorbitant charge he had refused to +submit; in consequence of which he had been put to great +inconvenience by the detention of his luggage. The +magistrate animadverted with much severity on such +extravagant charges on the part of the tavern-keeper, and +advised that upon the gentleman paying fifteen shillings, +the things might be immediately delivered up. To these +terms, however, Mrs. Hickinbottom refused to accede, adding +at the same time, that the gentleman had only been charged +the regular prices of the house, and that she should insist +upon the whole amount of the bill being paid, for that the +persons who were in the habit of coming to their house never +objected to such, the regular price of their lodgings being +ten guineas per week! The magistrate lamented that he had +no power to enforce the things being given up, but he +recommended the complainant to bring an action against the +tavern-keeper for the detention. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[3]</span> These were the observations directed by +Dashall to his friend, as they passed, one morning, the <i>Hotel de la +Sabloniere</i> in Leicester Square. +</p> +<p> +“Doubtless,” he continued, “in those places of affluent resort, the +accommodations are in the first style of excellence; yet with reference to +comfort and sociability, were I a country gentleman in the habit of +occasionally visiting London, my temporary domicile should be the snug +domesticated Coffee-house, economical in its charges and pleasurable in +the variety of its visitors, where I might, at will, extend or abridge my +evening intercourse, and in the retirement of my own apartment feel myself +more at home than in the vacuum of an hotel.” + </p> +<p> +The attention of our perambulators, in passing through the Square, was +attracted by a fine boy, apparently about eight years of age, dressed in +mourning, who, at the door of Brunet's Hotel, was endeavouring with all +his little strength and influence to oppose the egress of a large +Newfoundland dog, that, indignant of restraint, seemed desirous in a +strange land of introducing himself to <span class="pagenum">[4]</span> +canine good fellowship. The boy, whose large dark eyes were full of +animation, and his countenance, though bronzed, interestingly expressive, +remonstrated with the dog in the French language. “The animal does not +understand you,” exclaimed Tallyho, in the vernacular idiom of the youth, +“Speak to him in English.” “He must be a clever dog,” answered the boy, +“to know English so soon, for neither him nor I have been in England above +a week, and for the first time in our lives.”—“And how is it,” asked +Tallyho, “that you speak the English language so fluently?” “O,” said the +little fellow, “my mother taught it me; she is an English woman, and for +that reason I love the English, and am much fonder of talking their +language than my own.” There was something extremely captivating in the +boy. The dog now struggling for freedom was nearly effecting his release, +when the two friends interposed their assistance, and secured the +pre-meditating fugitive at the moment when, to inquire the cause of the +bustle, the father of the child made his appearance in the person of Field +Marshal Count Bertrand. The Count, possessing all the characteristics of a +gentleman, acknowledged politely the kind attention of the strangers to +his son, while, on the other hand, they returned his obeisance with the +due respect excited by his uniform friendship and undeviating attachment +to greatness in adversity. The discerning eye of Field Marshal Bertrand +justly appreciated the superior rank of the strangers, to whom he +observed, that during the short period he had then been in England, he had +experienced much courtesy, of which he should always retain a grateful +recollection. This accidental interview was creative of reciprocal +satisfaction, and the parties separated, not without an invitation on the +part of the boy, that his newly found acquaintances would again visit the +“friends of the Emperor."{1}<span class="pagenum">[5]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 LINES SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY +THE EX-EMPEROR NAPOLEON IN HIS LAST ILLNESS. + +Too slowly the tide of existence recedes +For him in captivity destined to languish, +The Exile, abandon'd of fortune, who needs +The friendship of Death to obliviate his anguish. +Yet, even his last moments unmet by a sigh, +Napoleon the Great uncomplaining shall die! + +Though doom'd on thy rock, St. Helena, to close +My life, that once presag'd ineffable glory, +Unvisited here though my ashes repose, +No tablet to tell the lone Exile's sad story,— +Napoleon Buonaparte—still shall the name +Exist on the records immortal of Fame! + +Posterity, tracing the annals of France, +The merits will own of her potent defender; +Her greatness pre-eminent skill'd to advance, +Creating, sustaining, her zenith of splendour; +Who patroniz'd arts, and averted alarms, +Till crush'd by the union of nations in arms! + +I yield to my fate! nor should memory bring +One moment of fruitless and painful reflection +Of what I was lately—an Emperor and King, +Unless for the bitter, yet fond recollection +Of those, who my heart's best endearments have won, +Remote from my death-bed—my Consort and SON! + +Denied in their arms even to breathe my last sigh, +No relatives' solace my exit attending; +With strangers sojourning, 'midst strangers I die, +No tear of regret with the last duties blending. +To him, the lorn Exile, no obsequies paid, +Whose fiat a Universe lately obey'd! + +Make there then my tomb, where the willow trees wave, +And, far in the Island, the streamlet meanders; +If ever, by stealth, to my green grassy grave +Some kind musing spirit of sympathy wanders— +“Here rests,” he will say, “from Adversity's pains, +Napoleon Buonaparte's mortal remains!” + +We have no disposition to enter into the character of the +deceased Ex-Emperor; history will not fail to do justice +alike to the merits and the crimes of one, who is inevitably +destined to fill so portentous a page on its records. At the +present time, to speak of the good of which he may have been +either the intentional or the involuntary instrument, +without some bias of party feeling would be impossible. + +“Hard is his fate, on whom the public gaze +Is fix'd for ever, to condemn or praise; +Repose denies her requiem to his name, +And folly loves the martyrdom of fame.” + +At all events, he is now no more; and “An English spirit +wars not with the dead.” + </div> +<p> +“The Count,” said Dashall to his Cousin, as they pursued their walk, +“remains in England until he obtain <span class="pagenum">[6]</span> +permission from the King of France to return to his native country: that +such leave will be given, there is little doubt; the meritorious fidelity +which the Count has uniformly exemplified to his late unfortunate and +exiled Master, has obtained for him universal esteem, and the King of +France is too generous to withhold, amidst the general feeling, his +approbation.” + </p> +<p> +Passing through Long Acre in their progress towards the British Museum, to +which national establishment they had cards of admission, the two friends +were intercepted in their way by a concourse at a coach-maker's shop, +fronting which stood a chariot carefully matted round the body, firmly +sewed together, and the wheels enveloped in hay-bands, preparatory to its +being sent into the country. Scarcely had these precautionary measures of +safety been completed, when a shrill cry, as if by a child inside the +vehicle, was heard, loud and continuative, which, after the lapse of some +minutes, broke out into the urgent and reiterated exclamation of—“Let +me out!—I shall be suffocated!—pray let me out!” + </p> +<p> +The workmen, who had packed up the carriage, stared at each other in mute +and appalling astonishment; they felt conscious that no child was within +the vehicle; and when at last they recovered from the stupor of amazement, +they resisted the importunity of the multitude to strip the chariot, and +manfully swore, that if any one was inside, it must be the Devil himself, +or one of his imps, and no human or visible being whatsoever. +</p> +<p> +Some, of the multitude were inclined to a similar opinion. The crowd +increased, and the most intense interest was depicted in every +countenance, when the cry of “Let me out!—I shall die!—For +heaven's sake let me out!” was audibly and vehemently again and again +repeated. +</p> +<p> +The impatient multitude now began to cut away the matting; when the +workmen, apprehensive that the carriage might sustain some damage from the +impetuosity of their proceedings, took upon themselves the act of +dismantling the mysterious machine; during which operation, the cry of +“Let me out!” became more and more clamorously importunate. At last the +vehicle was laid bare, and its door thrown open; when, to the utter +amazement of the crowd, no child was there—no trace was to be seen +of aught, human or super-human! The <span class="pagenum">[7]</span> +assemblage gazed on the vacant space from whence the sounds had emanated, +in confusion and dismay. During this momentary suspense, in which the +country 'Squire participated, a voice from some invisible agent, as if +descending the steps of the carriage, exclaimed—“Thank you, my good +friends, I am very much obliged to you—I shall now go home, and +where my home is you will all know by-and-by!” + </p> +<p> +With the exception of Dashall and Tallyho, the minds of the spectators, +previously impressed with the legends of superstition and diablerie, gave +way under the dread of the actual presence of his satanic majesty; and the +congregated auditors of his ominous denunciation instantaneously dispersed +themselves from the scene of witchery, and, re-assembling in groupes on +distant parts of the street, cogitated and surmised <i>on the Devil's +visit to the Coachmakers of Long Acre!</i> +</p> +<p> +Tallyho now turned an inquisitive eye on his Cousin, who answered the +silent and anxious enquiry with an immoderate fit of laughter, declaring +that this was the best and most ingenious hoax of any he had ever +witnessed, and that he would not have missed, on any consideration +whatsoever, the pleasure of enjoying it. “The Devil in Long Acre!—I +shall never forget it,” exclaimed the animated Cousin of the staring and +discomfited 'Squire. +</p> +<p> +“Explain, explain,” reiterated the 'Squire, impatiently. +</p> +<p> +“You shall have it in one word,"answered Dashall—“Ventriloquism!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This hoax was actually practised by a Ventriloquist in the +manner described. It certainly is of a less offensive nature +than that of many others which have been successfully +brought for-ward in the Metropolis, the offspring of folly +and idleness.—“A fellow,” some years ago, certainly not “of +infinite humour,” considering an elderly maiden lady of +Berner Street a “fit and proper subject” on whom to +exercise his wit, was at the trouble of writing a vast +number of letters to tradesmen and others, magistrates and +professional men, ordering from the former various goods, +and requiring the advice, in a case of emergency, of the +latter, appointing the same hour, to all, of attendance; so +that, in fact, at the time mentioned, the street, to the +annoy-ance and astonishment of its inhabitants, was crowded +with a motley group of visitants, equestrian and pedestrian, +all eagerly pressing forward to their destination, the old +lady's place of residence. In the heterogeneous assemblage +there were seen Tradesmen of all denominations, accompanied +by their Porters, bearing various articles of household +furniture; Counsellors anticipating fees; Lawyers engaged +to execute the last will and testament of the heroine of the +drama, and, not the least conspicuous, an Undertaker +preceded by his man with a coffin; and to crown the whole, +“though last not least in our esteem,” the then Lord Mayor of +London, who, at the eager desire of the old Lady, had, with +a commendable feeling of humanity, left his civic dominions, +in order to administer, in a case of danger and difficulty, +his consolation and assistance. When, behold! the clue was +unravelled, the whole turn'd out an hoax, and the Author +still remains in nubibus!!! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[8]</span> “And who could have been the artist?” + enquired Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Nay,” answered his friend, “that is impossible to say; some one in the +crowd, but the secret must remain with himself; neither do I think it +would have been altogether prudent his revealing it to his alarmed and +credulous auditory.” + </p> +<p> +“A Ventriloquist,” observed the 'Squire, “is so little known in the +country, that I had lost all reminiscence of his surprising powers; +however, I shall in future, from the occurrence of to-day, resist the +obtrusion of superstition, and in all cases of 'doubtful dilemma' remember +the Devil in Long Acre!”{l} +</p> +<p> +“Well resolved,” answered Dashall; and in a few minutes they gained Great +Russel Street, Bloomsbury, without further incident or interruption. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The child in the hat.—Not long since, a Waggoner coming +to town with a load of hay, was overtaken by a stranger, who +entered into familiar conversation with him. They had not +pro-ceeded far, when, to the great terror of Giles Jolt, a +plaintive cry, apparently that of a child, issued from the +waggon. “Didst hear that, mon?” exclaimed Giles. The cry was +renewed—“Luord! Luord! an there be na a babe aneath the +hay, I'se be hanged; lend us a hand, mon, to get un out, for +God's sake!” The stranger very promptly assisted in +unloading the waggon, but no child was found. The hay now +lay in a heap on the road, from whence the cry was once more +long and loudly reiterated! In eager research, Giles next +proceeded to scatter the hay over the road, the cry still +continuing; but when, at last, he ascertained that the +assumed infantine plaint was all a delusion, his hair stood +erect with horror, and, running rapidly from his companion, +announced that he had been associated on the road by the +Devil, for that none else could play him such a trick! It +was not without great difficulty that the people to whom he +told this strange story prevailed on him to return, at last, +to his waggon and horses; he did so with manifest +reluctance. To his indescribable relief, his infernal +companion hail vanished in the person of the Ventriloquist, +and Jolt still believes in the supernatural visitation! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[9]</span> Amongst the literary and scientific +institutions of the Metropolis, the British Museum, situated in Great +Russel Street, Bloomsbury, stands pre-eminent. +</p> +<p> +Entering the spacious court, our two friends found a party in waiting for +the Conductor. Of the individuals composing this party, the reconnoitering +eye of Dashall observed a trio, from whence he anticipated considerable +amusement. It was a family triumvirate, formed of an old Bachelor, whose +cent per cent ideas predominated over every other, wheresoever situated or +howsoever employed; his maiden Sister, prim, starch and antiquated; and +their hopeful Nephew, a complete coxcomb, that is, in full possession of +the requisite concomitants—ignorance and impudence, and arrayed in +the first style of the most exquisite dandyism. This delectable triumviri +had emerged from their chaotic recess in Bearbinder-lane; the Exquisite, +to exhibit his sweet person along with the other curiosities of the +Museum; his maiden Aunt, to see, as she expressed it, the “<i>He-gipsyian +munhuments, kivered with kerry-glee-fix</i>;” and her Brother, to +ascertain whether, independent of outlandish baubles, gimcracks and +gewgaws, there was any thing of substantiality with which to enhance the +per contra side in the Account Current between the British Museum and the +Public! +</p> +<p> +Attaching themselves to this respectable trio, Dashall and Tallyho +followed, with the other visitants, the Guide, whose duty it that day was +to point out the various curiosities of this great national institution. +</p> +<p> +The British Museum was established by act of parliament, in 1753, in +pursuance of the will of Sir Hans Sloane, who left his museum to the +nation, on condition that Parliament should pay 20,000L. to his Executors, +and purchase a house sufficiently commodious for it. The parliament acted +with great liberality on the occasion; several other valuable collections +were united to that of Sir Hans Sloane, and the whole establishment was +completed for the sum of 85,000L. raised by lottery. At the institution of +this grand treasury of learning, it was proposed that a competent part of +1800L. the annual sum granted by parliament for the support of the house, +should be appropriated for the purchase of new books; but the salaries +necessary for the officers, together with the contingent expenses, have +always exceeded the allowance; so that the Trustees have been repeatedly +<span class="pagenum">[10]</span> obliged to make application to defray +the necessary charges. +</p> +<p> +Mr. Timothy Surety, the before mentioned Bearbinder-lane resident, of cent +per cent rumination; his accomplished sister, Tabitha; his exquisite +nephew, Jasper; and the redoubtable heroes of our eventful history, were +now associated in one party, and the remaining visitants were sociably +amalgamated in another; and each having its separate Conductor, both +proceeded to the inspection of the first and most valuable collection in +the universe. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link3image-0001"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page010.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page10 British Museum "><br> +</div> +<p> +On entering the gate, the first objects which attracted attention were two +large sheds, defending from the inclemency of the seasons a collection of +Egyptian monuments, the whole of which were taken from the French at +Alexandria, in the last war. The most curious of these, perhaps, is the +large Sarcophagus beneath the shed to the left, which has been considered +as the exterior coffin of Alexander the Great, used at his final +interment. It is formed of variegated marble, and, as Mrs. Tabitha Surety +observed, was “<i>kivered with Kerry-glee-fix</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“Nephew Jasper,” said his Uncle, “you are better acquainted with the +nomenclature, I think you call it, of them there <i>thing-um-bobs</i> than +I am—what is the name of this here?” + </p> +<p> +“My dear Sir,” rejoined the Exquisite, “this here is called a <i>Sark o' +Fegus</i>, implying the domicile, or rather, the winding-sheet of the +dead, as the sark or chemise wound itself round the fair forms of the +daughters of O'Fegus, a highland Chieftain, from whom descended Philip of +Macedon, father of Alexander the Great; and thence originated the name +subsequently given by the highland laird's successors, to the dormitory of +the dead, the Sark o' Fegus, or in the corruption of modern orthography, +Sarcophagus.” + </p> +<p> +Timothy Surety cast an approving glance towards his Nephew, and whispering +Dashall, “My Nephew, Sir, apparently a puppy, Sir, but well informed, +nevertheless—what think you of his definition of that hard word? Is +he not, I mean my Nephew Jaz, a most extraordinary young man?” + </p> +<p> +“Superlatively so,” answered Dashall, “and I think you are happy in +bearing affinity to a young man of such transcendent acquirements.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[11]</span>"D—n his acquirements!” exclaimed +Timothy; “would you think it, they are of no use in the way of trade, and +though I have given him many an opportunity of doing well, he knows no +more of keeping a set of books by double-entry, than Timothy Surety does +of keeping a pack of hounds, who was never twenty miles beyond the hearing +of Bow bells in all his lifetime!” + </p> +<p> +This important communication, having been made apart from the recognition +of the Aunt and Nephew, passed on their approach, unanswered; and Dashall +and his friend remained in doubt whether or not the Nephew, in his late +definition of the word Sarcophagus, was in jest or earnest: Tallyho +inclined to think that he was hoaxing the old gentleman; on the other +hand, his Cousin bethought himself, that the apparent ingenuity of Jaz's +definition was attributable entirely to his ignorance. +</p> +<p> +Here also were two statues of Roman workmanship, supposed to be those of +Marcus Aurelius and Severus, ancient, but evidently of provincial +sculpture. +</p> +<p> +Mrs. Tabitha, shading her eyes with her fan, and casting a glance askew at +the two naked figures, which exhibited the perfection of symmetry, +enquired of her Nephew who they were meant to represent. +</p> +<p> +His answer was equally eccentric with that accorded to his Uncle on the +subject of the Sarcophagus. +</p> +<p> +“My dear Madam!” said Jaz, “these two figures are consanguineous to those +of Gog and Magog in Guildhall, being the lineal descendants of these +mighty associates of the Livery of London!” + </p> +<p> +“But, Jaz” rejoined the antique dame, “I always understood that Messieurs +Gog and Magog derived their origin from quite a different family.” + </p> +<p> +“Aunt of mine,” responded Jaz, “the lofty rubicunded Civic Baronet shall +not be 'shorn of his beams;' he claims the same honour with his brainless +brothers before us-he is a scion of the same tree; Sir W*ll**m, the twin +brothers of Guildhall, and these two sedate Gentlemen of stone, all boast +the honour of the same extraction!” + </p> +<p> +Behind them, on the right, was a ram's head of very curious workmanship, +from Thebes. +</p> +<p> +“Perhaps, Sir,” said Mrs. Tabitha, graciously addressing herself to +?Squire Tallyho, “you can inform us what may be the import of this +singular exhibition?” + </p> +<p> +“On my honour, Madam,” answered the 'Squire, “I cannot satisfactorily +resolve the enquiry; I am a country <span class="pagenum">[12]</span> +gentleman, and though conversant with rains and rams' horns in my own +neighbourhood, have no knowledge of them with reference to the connexion +of the latter with the Citizens of London or Westminster!” + </p> +<p> +Jaz again assumed the office of expositor.—“My very reverend Aunt,” + said Jaz, “I must prolegomenize the required explanation with a simple +anecdote:— +</p> +<p> +“When Charles the Second returned from one of his northern tours, +accompanied by the Earl of Rochester, he passed through Shoreditch. On +each side the road was a huge pile of rams' horns, for what purpose +tradition saith not. 'What is the meaning of all this?' asked the King, +pointing towards the symbolics. 'I know not,' rejoined Rochester, 'unless +it implies that the Citizens of London have laid their heads together, to +welcome your Majesty's return!' In commemoration of this witticism, the +ram's head is to the Citizens of London a prominent feature of exhibition +in the British Museum.” + </p> +<p> +This interpretation raised a laugh at the expense of Timothy Surety, who, +nevertheless, bore it with great good humour, being a bachelor, and +consequently not within the scope of that ridicule on the basis of which +was founded the present sarcastic fabric. +</p> +<p> +It was now obvious to Dash all and his friend, that this young man, Jasper +Surety, was not altogether the ignoramus at first presumed. They had +already been entertained by his remarks, and his annotations were of a +description to warrant the expectancy of further amusement in the progress +of their inspection. +</p> +<p> +From the hall the visitors were led through an iron gateway to the great +staircase, opposite the bottom of which is preserved a model in mahogany, +exhibiting the method used by Mr. Milne in constructing the works of +Blackfriars' Bridge; and beneath it are some curious fragments from the +Giant's Causeway in Ireland. +</p> +<p> +These fragments, however highly estimated by the naturalist and the +antiquary, were held in derision by the worldly-minded Tim. Surety, who +exclaimed against the folly of expending money in the purchase of articles +of no intrinsic value, calculated only to gratify the curiosity of those +inquisitive idlers who affect their admiration of every uninteresting +production of Nature, and neglect the pursuit of the main chance, so +necessary in realizing the comforts of life. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[13]</span> These sordid ideas were opposed by +Dashall and the 'Squire, to whom they seemed particularly directed. Mrs. +Tabitha smiled a gracious acquiescence in the sentiments of the two +strangers, and Jasper expressed his regret that Nuncle was not gifted and +fated as Midas of ancient times, who transformed every thing that he +touched into gold! +</p> +<p> +The Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities next attracted the attention of the +visitors. Over a doorway in this room is a fine portrait of Sir William +Hamilton, painted by Sir Joshua Reynolds. Dashall and Tallyho remarked +with enthusiasm on these beautiful relics of the sculpture of former ages, +several of which were mutilated and disfigured by the dilapidations of +time and accident. Of the company present, there stood on the left a +diminutive elderly gentleman in the act of contemplating the fragment of a +statue in a posterior position, and which certainly exhibited somewhat of +a ludicrous appearance; on the right, the exquisite Jasper pointed out, +with the self-sufficiency of an amateur, the masculine symmetry of a +Colossian statue to his Aunt of antiquated virginity, whose maiden purity +recoiling from the view of nudation, seemed to say, “Jaz, wrap an apron +round him!” while in the foreground stood the rotunditive form of Timothy +Surety, who declared, after a cursory and contemptuous glance at the +venerable representatives of mythology, “That with the exception of the +portrait of Sir William Hamilton, there was not in the room an object +worth looking at; and as for them there ancient statutes,” (such was his +vernacular idiom and Bearbinder barbarism) “I would not give twopence for +the whole of this here collection, if it was never for nothing else than +to set them up as scare-crows in the garden of my country house at +Edmonton!” + </p> +<p> +Jasper whispered his aunt, that nuncks was a vile bore; and the +sacrilegious declaration gave great offence to the diminutive gentleman +aforesaid, who hesitated not in pronouncing Timothy Surety destitute of +taste and vertu; to which accusation Timothy, rearing his squat form to +its utmost altitude, indignantly replied, “that there was not an alderman +in the City of London of better taste than himself in the qualities of +callipash and callipee, and that if the little gemmen presumed again to +asperse his vartue, he would bring an action against him tor slander and +defamation of character.” The minikin man gave Timothy a glance of +ineffable disdain, and left the room. Mrs. <span class="pagenum">[14]</span> +Tabitha, in the full consciousness of her superior acquirements, now +directed a lecture of edification to her brother, who, however, manfully +resisted her interference, and swore, that “where his taste and <i>vartue</i> +were called in question he would not submit to any <i>she</i> in the +universe.” + </p> +<p> +Mrs. Tabitha, finding that on the present occasion her usual success would +not predominate, suspended, like a skilful manoeuvreist, unavailable +attack, and, turning to her nephew, required to know what personage the +tall figure before them was meant to represent. Jasper felt not qualified +correctly to answer this enquiry, yet unwilling to acknowledge his +ignorance, unhesitatingly replied, “One of the ancient race of architects +who built the Giant's Causeway in the north of Ireland.” This sapient +remark excited a smile from the two friends, who shortly afterwards took +an opportunity of withdrawing from further intercourse with the Bearbinder +triumviri, and enjoyed with a more congenial party the remaining +gratification which this splendid national institution is so well +calculated to inspire. +</p> +<p> +Extending their observations to the various interesting objects of this +magnificent establishment, the two prominent heroes of our eventful +history derived a pleasure only known to minds of superior intelligence, +to whom the wonders of art and nature impart the acmé of intellectual +enjoyment. +</p> +<p> +Having been conducted through all the different apartments, the two +friends, preparing to depart, the 'Squire tendered a pecuniary compliment +to the Guide, in return for his politeness, but which, to the surprise of +the donor, was refused; the regulations of the institution strictly +prohibiting the acceptance by any of its servants of fee or reward from a +visitor, under the penalty of dismissal.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Although the limits of this work admit not a minute detail +of the rarities of the British Museum, yet a succinct +enumeration of a few particulars may not prove unacceptable +to our Readers. + +In the first room, which we have already noticed, besides +the Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities, is a stand filled +with reliques of ancient Egypt, amongst which are numerous +small representatives of mummies that were used as patterns +for those who chose and could afford to be embalmed at their +decease. + +The second apartment is principally devoted to works of art, +be-ginning with Mexican curiosities. The corners opposite +the light are occupied by two Egyptian mummies, richly +painted, which were both brought from the catacombs of +Sakkara, near Grand Cairo. + +The third room exhibits a rich collection of curiosities +from the South Pacific Ocean, brought by Capt. Cook. In the +left corner is the mourning dress of an Otaheitean lady, in +which taste and barbarity are curiously blended. Opposite +are the rich cloaks and helmets of feathers from the +Sandwich Islands. + +The visitor next enters the manuscript department, the first +room of which is small, and appropriated chiefly to the +collections of Sir Hans Sloane. The next room is completely +filled with Sir Robert Harley's manuscripts, afterwards Earl +of Oxford, one of the most curious of which is a volume of +royal letters, from 1437 to the time of Charles I.. The next +and last room of the manuscript department is appropriated +to the ancient royal library of manuscripts, and Sir Robert +Cotton's, with a few-later donations. On the table, in the +middle of the room, is the famous Magna Charta of King John; +it is written on a large roll of parchment, and was much +damaged in the year 1738, when the Cotton library took fire +at Westminster, but a part of the broad seal is yet annexed. + +We next reach the great saloon, which is finely ornamented +with fresco paintings by Baptiste. Here are a variety of +Roman remains, such as dice, tickets for the Roman theatres, +mirrors, seals for the wine casks, lamps, &c. and a +beautiful bronze head of Homer, which was found near +Constantinople. + +The mineral room is the next object of attention. Here are +fossils of a thousand kinds, and precious stones, of various +colours and splendours, composing a collection of +astonishing beauty and magnificence. + +Next follows the bird room; and the last apartment contains +animals in spirits, in endless variety. And here the usual +exhibition of the house closes. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[15]</span> Issuing from the portals of the Museum, +“Apropos,” said Dashall, “we are in the vicinity of Russell-square, the +residence of my stock-broker; I have business of a few moments continuance +to transact with him—let us proceed to his residence.” + </p> +<p> +A lackey, whose habiliment, neat but not gaudy, indicated the +unostentatious disposition of his master,, answered the summons of the +knocker: “Mr. C. was gone to his office at the Royal Exchange.” + </p> +<p> +“The gentleman who occupies this mansion,” observed Dashall to his friend, +as they retired from the door, “illustrates by his success in life, the +truth of the maxim so frequently impressed on the mind of the school-boy, +that perseverance conquers all difficulties. Mr. C, unaided by any other +recommendation than that of his own unassuming modest merit, entered the +very <span class="pagenum">[16]</span> respectable office of which he is +now the distinguished principal, in the situation of a young man who has +no other prospect of advancement than such as may accrue from rectitude of +conduct, and the consequent approbation and patronage of his employer. By +a long exemplary series of diligence and fidelity, he acquired the +confidence of, and ultimately became a partner in the firm. His strictly +conscientious integrity and uniform gentlemanly urbanity have thus gained +him a preference in his profession, and an ample competency is now the +well-merited meed of his industry.” + </p> +<p> +“Combining with its enjoyment,” responded the 'Squire, “the exercise of +benevolent propensities.” + </p> +<p> +“Exactly so much so, that his name appears as an annual subscriber to +nearly all the philanthropic institutions of the metropolis, and his +private charities besides are numerous and reiterated.” + </p> +<p> +“This, then, is one of the few instances (said the 'Squire) of Real Life +in London, where private fortune is so liberally applied in relief of +suffering humanity—it is worthy of indelible record.” + </p> +<p> +Circumambulating the square, the two observers paused opposite the fine +statue of the late Francis Duke of Bedford. +</p> +<p> +The graceful proportion, imposing elevation, and commanding attitude of +the figure, together with the happy combination of skill and judgment by +the artist, in the display on the pedestal of various agricultural +implements, indicating the favourite and useful pursuits of this estimable +nobleman, give to the whole an interesting appearance, and strongly excite +those feelings of regret which attend the recollection of departed worth +and genius. Proceeding down the spacious new street directly facing the +statue, our perambulators were presently in Bedford-square, in which is +the effigy of the late eminent statesman Charles James Fox: the figure is +in à sitting posture, unfavourable to our reminiscences of the first +orator of any age or country, and is arrayed in the Roman toga: the face +is a striking likeness, but the effect on the whole is not remarkable. The +two statues face each other, as if still in friendly recognition; but the +sombre reflections of Dashall and his friend were broke in upon by a +countryman with, “Beant that Measter Fox, zur?” “His effigy, my <span +class="pagenum">[17]</span>friend.” “Aye, aye, but what the dickens ha've +they wrapt a blanket round un vor?” + </p> +<p> +Proceeding along Charlotte Street, Bloomsbury, the associates in search of +Real Life were accosted by a decent looking countryman in a smock-frock, +who, approaching them in true clod-hopping style, with a strong provincial +accent, detailed an unaffectedly simple, yet deep tale of distress: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——Oppression fore'd from his cot, +His cattle died, and blighted was his corn!” + </div> +<p> +The story which he told was most pathetic, the tears the while coursing +each other down his cheeks; and Dashall and his friend were about to +administer liberally to his relief, the former observing, “There can be no +deception here,” when the applicant was suddenly pounced upon by an +officer, as one of the greatest impostors in the Metropolis, who, with the +eyes of Argus, could transform themselves into a greater variety of shapes +than Proteus, and that he had been only fifty times, if not more, confined +in different houses of correction as an incorrigible rogue and vagabond, +from one of which he had recently contrived to effect his escape. The +officer now bore off his prize in triumph, while Dashall, hitherto “the +most observant of all observers,” sustained the laugh of his Cousin at the +knowing one deceived, with great good humour, and Dashall, adverting to +his opinion so confidently expressed, “There can be no deception here,” + declared that in London it was impossible to guard in every instance +against fraud, where it is frequently practised with so little appearance +of imposition. +</p> +<p> +The two friends now bent their course towards Covent Garden, which, +reaching without additional incident, they wiled away an hour at Robins's +much to their satisfaction. That gentleman, in his professional capacity, +generally attracts in an eminent degree the attention of his visitors by +his professional politeness, so that he seldom fails to put off an article +to advantage; and yet he rarely resorts to the puff direct, and never +indulges in the puff figurative, so much practised by his renowned +predecessor, the late knight of the hammer, Christie, the elder, who by +the superabundancy of his rhetorical <span class="pagenum">[18]</span>flurishes, +was accustomed from his elevated rostrum to edify and amuse his admiring +auditory.{1} +</p> +<p> +Of the immense revenues accruing to his Grace the Duke of Bedford, not the +least important is that derived from Covent Garden market. As proprietor +of the ground, from every possessor of a shed or stall, and from all who +take their station as venders in the market, a rent is payable to his +Grace, and collected weekly; considering, therefore, the vast number of +occupants, the aggregate rental must be of the first magnitude. His Grace +is a humane landlord, and his numerous tenantry of Covent Garden are +always ready to join in general eulogium on his private worth, as is the +nation at large on the patriotism of his public character. +</p> +<p> +Dashall conducted his friend through every part of the Market, amidst a +redundancy of fruit, flowers, roots and vegetables, native and exotic, in +variety and profusion, exciting the merited admiration of the Squire, who +observed, and perhaps justly, that this celebrated emporium unquestionably +is not excelled by any other of a similar description in the universe. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The late Mr. Christie having at one time a small tract of +land under the hammer, expatiated at great length on its +highly improved state, the exuberant beauties with which +Nature had adorned this terrestrial Paradise, and more +particularly specified a delightful hanging wood. + +A gentleman, unacquainted with Mr. Christie's happy talent +at exaggerated description, became the highest bidder, paid +his deposit, and posted down into Essex to examine his new +purchase, when, to his great surprise and disappointment, he +found no part of the description realized, the promised +Paradise having faded into an airy vision, “and left not a +wreck behind!” The irritated purchaser immediately returned +to town, and warmly expostulated with the auctioneer on the +injury he had sustained by unfounded representation; “and as +to a hanging wood, Sir, there is not the shadow of a tree on +the spot!” “I beg your pardon, Sir,” said the pertinacious +eulogist, “you must certainly have overlooked the gibbet on +the common, and if that is not a hanging wood, I know not +what it is!” + +Another of Mr. Christie's flights of fancy may not unaptly +be termed the puff poetical. At an auction of pictures, +dwelling in his usual strain of eulogium on the unparalleled +excellence of a full-length portrait, without his producing +the desired effect, “Gentlemen,” said he, “1 cannot, in +justice to this sublime art, permit this most invaluable +painting to pass from under the hammer, without again +soliciting the honour of your attention to its manifold +beauties. Gentlemen, it only wants the touch of Prometheus +to start from the canvass and fall abidding!” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[19]</span> Proceeding into Leicester Square, the +very extraordinary production of female genius, Miss Linwood's Gallery of +Needlework promised a gratification to the Squire exceeding in novelty any +thing which he had hitherto witnessed in the Metropolis. The two friends +accordingly entered, and the anticipations of Tallyho were superabundantly +realized. +</p> +<p> +This exhibition consists of seventy-five exquisite copies in needlework, +of the finest pictures of the English and foreign schools, possessing all +the correct drawing, just colouring, light and shade of the original +pictures from whence they are taken, and to which in point of effect they +are in no degree inferior. +</p> +<p> +From the door in Leicester Square the visitants entered the principal +room, a fine gallery of excellent proportions, hung with scarlet +broad-cloth, gold bullion tassels, and Greek borders. The appearance thus +given to the room is pleasing, and indicated to the Squire a still more +superior attraction. His Cousin Dashall had frequently inspected this +celebrated exhibition, but' to Tallyho it was entirely new. +</p> +<p> +On one side of this room the pictures are hung, and have a guard in front +to keep the company at the requisite distance, and for preserving them. +</p> +<p> +Turning to the left, a long and obscure passage prepares the mind, and +leads to the cell of a prison, on looking into which is seen the beautiful +Lady Jane Gray, visited by the Abbot and keeper of the Tower the night +before her execution. +</p> +<p> +This scene particularly elicited the Squire's admiration; the deception of +the whole, he observed, was most beautiful, and not exceeded by any work +from the pencil of the painter, that he had ever witnessed. A little +farther on is a cottage, the casement of which opens, and the hatch at the +door is closed; and, on looking in at either, our visitants perceived a +fine and exquisitely finished copy of Gainsborough's Cottage Children +standing by the fire, with chimney-piece and cottage furniture compleat. +Near to this is Gainsborough's Woodman, exhibited in the same scenic +manner. +</p> +<p> +Having enjoyed an intellectual treat, which perhaps in originality as an +exhibition of needlework is no where else to be met with, our +perambulators retired, and reached home without the occurrence of any +other remarkable incident.<span class="pagenum">[20]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0002"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER II +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Look round thee, young Astolpho; here's the place +Which men (for being poor) are sent to starve in;— +Rude remedy, I trow, for sore disease. +Within these walls, stifled by damp and stench, +Doth Hope's fair torch expire, and at the snuff, +Ere yet 'tis quite extinct, rude, wild, and wayward, +The desperate revelries of fell Despair, +Kindling their hell-born cressets, light to deeds +That the poor Captive would have died ere practised, +Till bondage sunk his soul to his condition.” + +The Prison.—Act I. Scene III. +</div> +<p> +TRAVERSING the streets, without having in view any particular object, +other than the observance of Real Life in London, such as might occur from +fortuitous incident; our two perambulators skirted the Metropolis one fine +morning, till finding themselves in the vicinity of Tothill-fields +Bridewell, a place of confinement to which the Magistrates of Westminster +provisionally commit those who are supposed to be guilty of crimes. +Ingress was without much difficulty obtained, and the two friends +proceeded to a survey of human nature in its most degraded state, where, +amidst the consciousness of infamy and the miseries of privation, apathy +seemed the predominant feeling with these outcasts of society, and +reflection on the past, or anticipation of the future, was absorbed in the +vacuum of insensibility. Reckless of his destiny, here the manacled felon +wore, with his gyves, the semblance of the most perfect indifference; and +the seriousness of useful retrospection was lost in the levity of +frivolous amusement. Apart from the other prisoners was seated a recluse, +whose appearance excited the attention of the two visitants; a deep cloud +of dejection overshadowed his features, and he seemed studiously to keep +aloof from the obstreperous revelry of his fellow-captives. There was in +his manner a something inducing a feeling of commiseration which could not +be extended to his callous <span class="pagenum">[21]</span> companions in +adversity. His decayed habiliment indicated, from its formation and +texture, that he had seen better days, and his voluntary seclusion +confirmed the idea that he had not been accustomed to his present +humiliating intercourse. His intenseness of thought precluded the +knowledge of approximation on his privacy, until our two friends stood +before him; he immediately rose, made his obeisance, and was about to +retire, when Mr. Dashall, with his characteristic benevolence, begged the +favour of a few moments conversation. +</p> +<p> +“I am gratified,” he observed, “in perceiving one exception to the general +torpitude of feeling which seems to pervade this place; and I trust that +your case of distress is not of a nature to preclude the influence of hope +in sustaining your mind against the pressure of despondency.” + </p> +<p> +“The cause of my confinement,” answered the prisoner, “is originally that +of debt, although perverted into crime by an unprincipled, relentless +creditor. Destined to the misery of losing a beloved wife and child, and +subsequently assailed by the minor calamity of pecuniary embarrassment, I +inevitably contracted a few weeks arrears of rent to the rigid occupant of +the house wherein I held my humble apartment, when, returned one night to +my cheerless domicil, my irascible landlord, in the plenitude of ignorance +and malevolence, gave me in charge of a sapient guardian of the night, +who, without any enquiry into the nature of my offence, conducted me to +the watch-house, where I was presently confronted with my creditor, who +accused me of the heinous crime of getting into his debt. The constable +very properly refused to take cognizance of a charge so ridiculous; but +unluckily observing, that had I been brought there on complaint of an +assault, he would in that case have felt warranted in my detention, my +persecutor seized on the idea with avidity, and made a declaration to that +effect, although evidently no such thought had in the first instance +occurred to him, well knowing the accusation to be grossly unfounded. This +happened on a Saturday night, and I remained in duresse and without +sustenance until the following Monday, when I was held before a +Magistrate; the alleged assault was positively sworn to, and, maugre my +statement of the suspicious, inconsistent conduct of my prosecutor, I was +immured in the lock-up house for the remainder of the day, on the +affidavit of <span class="pagenum">[22]</span> perjury, and in the evening +placed under the friendly care of the Governor of Tothill-fields +Bridewell, to abide the issue at the next Westminster sessions.” + </p> +<p> +“This is a most extraordinary affair,” said the Squire; “and what do you +conjecture may be the result?” + </p> +<p> +“The pertinacity of my respectable prosecutor,” said the Captive, “might +probably induce him to procure the aid of some of his conscientious +Israelitish brethren, whom 1 never saw, towards substantiating the +aforesaid assault, by manfully swearing to the fact; but as I have no +desire of exhibiting myself through the streets, linked to a chain of +felons on our way to the Sessions House, I believe I shall contrive to pay +the debt due to the perjured scoundrel, which will ensure my enlargement, +and let the devil in due season take his own!” + </p> +<p> +“May we enquire,” said Dashall, “without the imputation of impertinent +inquisitiveness, what has been the nature of your pursuits in life?” + </p> +<p> +“Multitudinous,” replied the other; “my life has been so replete with +adventure and adversity in all its varieties, and in its future prospects +so unpropitious of happiness, that existence has long ceased to be +desirable; and had I not possessed a more than common portion of +philosophic resignation, I must have yielded to despair; but, +</p> +<p> +“When all the blandishments of life are gone, The coward sneaks to death,—the +brave live on!” + </p> +<p> +“Thirty years ago I came to London, buoyant of youth and hope, to realize +a competency, although I knew not by what means the grand object was to be +attained; yet it occurred to me that I might be equally successful with +others of my country, who, unaided by recommendation and ungifted with the +means of speculation, had accumulated fortunes in this fruitful +Metropolis, and of whom, fifteen years ago, one eminently fortunate +adventurer from the north filled the civic chair with commensurate +political zeal and ability. +</p> +<p> +“Some are born great; others achieve greatness, And some have greatness +thrust upon them!” + </p> +<p> +“Well, Sir, what can be said of it? I was without the pale of fortune, +although several of my school-mates, who had established themselves in +London, acquired, by dint of perseverance, parsimony and servility, +affluent <span class="pagenum">[23]</span>circumstances; convinced, +however, that I was not destined to acquire wealth and honour, and being +unsolaced even with the necessaries of life, I abandoned in London all +hope of success, and emigrated to Ireland, where I held for several years +the situation of clerk to a respectable Justice of the Quorum. In this +situation I lived well, and the perquisites of office, which were +regularly productive on the return of every fair and market day, for +taking examinations of the peace, and filling up warrants of apprehension +against the perpetrators of broken heads and bloody noses, consoled me in +my voluntary exile from Real Life in London. I was in all respects +regarded as one of the family; had a horse at my command, visited in +friendly intimacy the neighbouring gentry; and, above all, enjoyed the +eccentricities of the lower Irish; most particularly so when before his +honour, detailing, to his great annoyance, a story of an hour long about a +tester (sixpence), and if he grew impatient, attributing it to some secret +prejudice which he entertained against them.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Their method is to get a story completely by heart, and to +tell it, as they call it, out of the face, that is, from the +beginning to the end without interruption. + +“Well, my good friend, I have seen you lounging about these +three hours in the yard, what is your business?” + +“Plase your honour, it is what I want to speak one word to +your honour.” + +“Speak then, but be quick. What is the matter?” + +“The matter, plase your honour, is nothing at all at all, +only just about the grazing of a horse, plase your honour, +that this man here sold me at the fair of Gurtishannon last +Shrove fair, which lay down three times with myself, plase +your honour, and kilt me; not to be telling your honour of +how, no later back than yesterday night, he lay down in the +house there within, and all the children standing round, and +it was God's mercy he did not fall a-top of them, or into +the fire to burn himself. So, plase your honour, to-day I +took him back to this man, which owned him, and after a +great deal to do I got the mare again I swopped (exchanged) +him for; but he won't pay the grazing of the horse for the +time I had him, though he promised to pay the grazing in +case the horse didn't answer; and he never did a day's work, +good or bad, plase your honour, all the time he was with me, +and I had the doctor to him five times, any how. And so, +plase your honour, it is what I expect your honour will +stand my friend, for I'd sooner come to your honour for +justice than to any other in all Ireland. And so I brought +him here before your honour, and expect your honour will +make him pay me the grazing, or tell me, can I process him +for it at the next assizes, plase your honour?” + +The defendant now, turning a quid of tobacco with his +tongue into some secret cavern in his mouth, begins his +defence with + +“Plase your honour, under favour, and saving your honour's +presence, there's not a word of truth in all this man has +been saying from beginning to end, upon my conscience, and I +would not for the value of the horse itself, grazing and +all, be after telling your honour a lie. For, plase your +honour, I have a dependance upon your honour that you'll do +me justice, and not be listening to him or the like of him. +Plase your honour, it is what he has brought me before your +honour, because he had a spite against me about some oats I +sold your honour, which he was jealous of, and a shawl his +wife got at my shister's shop there without, and never paid +for, so I offered to set the shawl against the grazing, and +give him a receipt in full of all demands, but he wouldn't, +out of spite, plase your honour; so he brought me before +your honour, expecting your honour was mad with me for +cutting down the tree in the horse park, which was none of +my doing, plase your honour;—ill luck to them that went +and belied me to your honour behind my back. So if your +honour is plasing, I'll tell you the whole truth about the +horse that he swopped against my mare, out of the face:— +Last Shrove fair I met this man, Jemmy Duffy, plase your +honour, just at the corner of the road where the bridge is +broke down, that your honour is to have the present for this +year—long life to you for it! And he was at that time +coming from the fair of Gurtishannon, and 1 the same way: +?How are you, Jemmy?' says I. 'Very well, I thank you, +Bryan,' says he: 'shall we turn back to Paddy Salmon's, and +take a naggin of whiskey to our better acquaintance?' 'I +don't care if I did, Jemmy,' says I, 'only it is what I +can't take the whiskey, because I'm under an oath against it +for a month.' Ever since, plase your honour, the day your +honour met me on the road, and observed to me I could hardly +stand, I had taken so much—though upon my conscience your +honour wronged me greatly that same time—ill luck to them +that belied me behind my back to your honour! Well, plase +your honour, as I was telling you, as he was taking the +whiskey, and we talking of one thing or t'other, he makes me +an offer to swop his mare that he couldn't sell at the fair +of Gurtishannou, because nobody would be troubled with the +beast, plase your honour, against my horse; and to oblige +him I took the mare—sorrow take her, and him along with +her! She kicked me a new car, that was worth three pounds +ten, to tatters, the first time I ever put her into it, and +I expect your honour will make him pay me the price of the +car, any how, before I pay the grazing, which I have no +right to pay at all at all, only to oblige him. But I leave +it all to your honour; and the whole grazing he ought to be +charging for the beast is but two and eight pence halfpenny, +any how, plase your honour. So I'll abide by what your +honour says, good or bad; I'll leave it all to your honour.” + +I'll leave it all to your honour, literally means, I'll +leave all the trouble to your honour. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[25]</span>But this pleasant life was not decreed +much longer to endure, the insurrection broke out, during which an +incident occurred that had nearly terminated all my then cares in this +life, past, present, and to come. +</p> +<p> +“In my capacity as clerk or secretary, I had written one morning for the +worthy magistrate, two letters, both containing remittances, the one 150L. +and the other 100L. in bank of Ireland bills. We were situated at the +distance of fifteen miles from the nearest market town, and as the times +were perilous and my employer unwilling to entrust property to the +precarious conveyance of subordinate agency, he requested that I would +take a morning ride, and with my own hands deliver these letters at the +post-office. Accordingly I set out, and had arrived to within three miles +of my destination, when my further progress was opposed by two men in +green uniform, who, with supported arms and fixed bayonets, were pacing +the road to and fro as sentinels, in a very steady and soldier-like +manner. On the challenge of one of these fellows, with arms at port +demanding the countersign, I answered that I had none to give, that I was +travelling on lawful business to the next town, and required to know by +what authority he stopt me on the King's highway, “By the powers,” he +exclaimed, “this is my authority then,” and immediately brought his musket +to the charge against the chest of my horse. I now learnt that the town +had been taken possession of that morning by a division of the army of the +people, for so the insurgents had styled themselves. “You may turn your +nag homewards if you choose,” said the sentry; “but if you persist in +going into the town, I must pass you, by the different out-posts, to the +officer on duty.” The business in which I was engaged not admitting of +delay, I preferred advancing, and was ushered, ultimately, to the notice +of the captain of the guard, who very kindly informed me, that his general +would certainly order me to be hanged as a spy, unless I could exhibit +good proof of the contrary. With this comfortable assurance, I was +forthwith introduced into the presence of the rebel general. He was a +portly good-looking man, apparently about the age of forty, not more; wore +a green uniform, with gold embroidery, and was engaged in signing +dispatches, which his secretary successively sealed and superscribed; his +staff were in attendance, and a provost-marshal in waiting to perform the +office of summary execution on those to whom the general might attach +suspicion. The insurgent leader <span class="pagenum">[26]</span>now +enquiring, with much austerity, my name, profession, from whence I came, +the object of my coming, and lastly, whether or not I was previously aware +of the town being in possession of the army of the people, I answered +these interrogatories by propounding the question, who the gentleman was +to whom I had the honour of addressing myself, and under what authority I +was considered amenable to his inquisition. “Answer my enquiries, Sir,” he +replied, “without the impertinency of idle circumlocution, otherwise I +shall consider you as a spy, and my provost-marshal shall instantly +perform on your person the duties of his office!” I now resorted to my +letters; I had no other alternative between existence and annihilation. +Explaining, therefore, who I was, and by whom employed, “These letters,” I +added, “are each in my hand-writing, and both contain remittances; I came +to this town for the sole purpose of putting them into the post-office, +and I was not aware, until informed by your scouts, that the place was in +the occupation of an enemy.” He deigned not a reply farther than pointing +to one of the letters, and demanding to know the amount of the bill which +it enveloped; I answered, “One hundred and fifty pounds.” He immediately +broke the seal, examined the bill, and found that it was correct. “Now, +Sir,” he continued, “sit down, and write from my dictation.” He dictated +from the letter which he had opened, and when I had finished the copy, +compared it next with the original characters, expressed his satisfaction +at their identity, and returning the letters, licensed my departure, when +and to where I list, observing, that I was fortunate in having had with me +those testimonials of business, “Otherwise,” said he, “your appearance, +under circumstances of suspicion, might have led to a fatal result.”—“You +may be assured, gentlemen,” continued the narrator, “that I did not +prolong my stay in the town beyond the shortest requisite period; two +mounted dragoons, by order of their general, escorted me past the +outposts, and I reached home in safety. These occurrences took place on a +Saturday. The triumph of the insurgent troops was of short duration; they +were attacked that same night by the King's forces, discomfited, and their +daring chieftain taken prisoner. On the Monday following his head, stuck +upon a pike, surmounted the market-house of Belfast. The scenes of anarchy +and desperation in which that <span class="pagenum">[27]</span> +unfortunate country became now involved, rendered it no very desirable +residence. I therefore procured a passport, bid adieu to the Emerald Isle, +Erin ma vorneen slan leet go bragh! and once more returned to London, to +experience a renewal of that misfortune by which I have, with little +interval, been hitherto accompanied, during the whole period of my +eventful life.” + </p> +<p> +The two strangers had listened to the narrative with mingled sensations of +compassion and surprise, the one feeling excited by the peculiarity, the +other by the pertinacity of his misfortunes, when their cogitations were +interrupted by a dissonant clamour amongst the prisoners, who, it +appeared, had united in enmity against an unlucky individual, whom they +were dragging towards the discipline of the pump with all the eagerness of +inflexible vengeance. +</p> +<p> +On enquiry into the origin of this uproar, it was ascertained that one of +the prisoners under a charge of slight assault, had been visited by this +fellow, who, affecting to commiserate his situation, proposed to arrange +matters with his prosecutor for his immediate release, with other offers +of gratuitous assistance. This pretended friend was recognised by one of +the prisoners as a kidnapper. +</p> +<p> +A kidnapper, or crimp, is one of those fellows of abandoned principles, +who enter into the pay of the East India Company in order to recruit their +army, and when a guinea or two is advertised to be given to any person +that brings a proper man of five feet eight or nine inches high, lie in +wait to entrap men for the money. Some of these gentry assume the +character of officers, others of Serjeants, drummers, and recruits, +without the least shadow of commission among them. They have many ways of +inveigling the artless and unthinking. One or two of these kidnappers, +dressed as countrymen, go five or six miles out of town to meet the +waggons and stages, and enquire if John Such-a-one is come up, which is +answered in the negative, no such person being known; they then enter into +discourse with the countrymen, and being perfectly complaisant, engage +attention, and by the time they get to London, learn their occupations and +business to town; whether they are in search of places, trades, or intend +to return home again, which intelligence they in general profit by. Coming +to the place of rendezvous, the <span class="pagenum">[28]</span> +kidnappers propose a pint of porter, which being agreed on, they enter the +house where their companions are in waiting, enjoy themselves over flowing +bowls, and exhilirating their spirits with loyal toasts and songs, begin +their business by enquiring who is willing to serve His Majesty. The +countryman, if inclined thereto, is generally deceived; if his desire is +for the guards, or any other particular regiment, there are at hand mock +Serjeants and privates, who will swear they belong to the corps, and the +dupe is trepanned for the East Indies, hurried on board a ship, or kept in +some dismal place of security till a sufficient number is collected, and +an opportunity serves to send them away. +</p> +<p> +On the other hand, should the countryman be averse to enlisting, and talk +of going away, these crimps will swear that he has received a shilling or +more of the bounty-money, insisting that they saw him put the money into +such and such a pocket; it is in vain that the countryman denies having +received it, search is made, money found, and he is compelled to submit or +pay the smart. +</p> +<p> +Others again, of these prowlers, frequent the places of confinement, and +learning the particular case of some prisoner for small debt or slight +assault, kindly otter to mediate with the prosecutor or creditor in +effecting liberation. The pretended friend assumes the most disinterested +feeling of sympathy, ingratiates himself into confidence, and generally +terminates his machinations with success; accomplishes the prisoner's +release, and sends him ultimately from temporary duresse to perpetual +exile. +</p> +<p> +Such was the character of the fellow now placed in the ominous guidance of +an exasperated multitude; they urged him forward to the place of +punishment; but the tumultuary assemblage were disappointed in their +anticipated vengeance, by the interposition of the turnkeys, and the +pretended friend escaped the meditated castigation. +</p> +<p> +“Observe, again,” said the narrator, “that dashing young fellow, arrayed +in the first style of dandyism.” + </p> +<p> +“My good fellow,” interrupted Bob, “he is not, I should think, one of the +community; he has, apparently, the manners of the well bred and +accomplished gentleman.” “And for that very reason, Sir, is the better +qualified to <span class="pagenum">[29]</span> carry on his profession +with impunity; he whom you dignify with the appellation of a well bred and +accomplished gentleman, is all that you have expressed of him, with the +exception of one word, that is, substitute for gentleman, swindler, and +the character is justly delineated. This fellow, of desperate enterprize, +is one of the numerous practitioners of knavery, who set themselves up for +men of property and integrity, the more easily to defraud the unwary and +ignorant out of their substance and effects. This Spark, connecting +himself with several others of similar pursuit, they took a genteel house +in a respectable part of the town, and dividing themselves into classes of +masters, clerks, out-riders, shopmen, porters, and servants, and thus +making a show of opulence, they easily obtained credit, and laid in goods +of every kind, which they sent into the country and sold, or bartered for +other commodities; these commodities they brought up to London, and sold +for ready money, generally taking in exchange double the quantity, and +paying for the same with notes of their own drawing, indorsing, and +fabricating, for the purpose of cheating the poor deluded farmer, +shopkeeper, and tradesman in the interior of the country. With respect to +tradesmen in town, the goods they took of them on trust they disposed of +to Jews, and other receivers of stolen goods, at about thirty per cent +under value, for ready money, nay, forty per cent rather than not have the +cash; and as their stay in one place could not safely exceed five months, +on account of their creditors calling in their debts, and their country +notes becoming due, they used to make all possible dispatch to dispose of +the various articles, and evacuate the premises before detection. This +done, they played the same game elsewhere, when, <i>Proteus</i> like, they +changed shapes, and disguised themselves so as not to be known, and +carried on business in another house, but in a different name; the master +became the rider, the rider the master, the clerks descended to footmen +and porters, the footmen to porters and clerks, and so on throughout, +until they had drained many parts of the town and country, to the ruin of +several worthy and honest families. However, the co-partnership is now +dissolved, the establishment is broke up, and the different individuals of +this nefarious gang of depredators, of whom the well bred and accomplished +gentleman, the subject of our remarks, is one of the principals, are +consigned to <span class="pagenum">[30]</span> different gaols for further +examination and final commitment.” + </p> +<p> +Dashall expressed thanks for the interesting communication, and the Squire +his astonishment that the credulity of man could warrant the hope of +success to such a combination, however systematically arranged; and where +so many were concerned (and the distribution of plunder perhaps by no +means equalized,) that some dissatisfied individual did not renounce the +dangerous connection in the hope of impunity and reward. +</p> +<p> +“We know not that there is any subordinate division of spoil,” said the +other; “but if such there be, it may in this union of interests be the +maxim as with other co-partnership concerns, that he, by whatsoever means, +who contributes the most to the general stock, shall participate the most +in the general benefit. +</p> +<p> +“Swindlers have other means of cheating and tricking the public, such as +answering the advertisements of tradesmen who are in want of a sum to make +good a payment, and offering, in consideration of a small premium, to get +them the money required, on their note of hand, which they premise must be +first given, and the money will be immediately advanced; the necessitated +person agrees to the terms, and unthinkingly gives his note, which one of +the Swindlers carries away, with a promise of a speedy return with the +money wanted, but neither Swindler nor note is forthcoming until it +becomes due, after having passed through many different hands, some of +whom can ascertain giving a valuable consideration for the same, and fix +the drawer to the payment, whose consolation for his credulity is, paying +the money or going to prison. +</p> +<p> +“In case of a stagnation of trade, the Swindlers advertise themselves to +borrow or lend upon good security. If they borrow, they have sham deeds, +and make false conveyance of estates in <i>nubibus</i>, nobody knows +where; if they lend, they artfully inveigle the borrower out of his +security, which they take up money upon and convert to their own use, +without the deluded person's knowledge; and by absconding, leave him to +the mortification of descanting on their roguery, and his own want of +foresight.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[31]</span> The triumvirate were once more +interrupted; a newcomer had arrived, and the prisoners hailed his +initiation with the first stanza of an old song:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Welcome, welcome, brother debtor, +To this poor, but merry place, +Where no Bailiff, Dun, nor Setter,{1} +Dares to shew his frightful face: +But, kind Sir, as you're a stranger, +Down your garnish you must lay, +Else your coat will be in danger,— +You must either strip or pay!” + +1 Setters—This appellation is applicable to others than +those-alluded to in the above stanza, as connected with Duns +and Bailiffs. They are a dangerous set of wretches, who are +capable of committing any villany, as well by trepanning a +rich heir into matrimony with a cast-off mistress or common +prostitute, as by coupling a young heiress with a notorious +sharper, down to the lowest scene of setting debtors for the +bailiff and his followers. Smitten with the first glance of +the lady, you resign your heart, the conjugal knot is tied, +and, like the Copper Captain, you find the promised land, +houses, and furniture, the property of another, and not of +yourself. +</div> +<p> +The novitiate, neither surprised at his reception, nor adverse to the +custom of the place, seemed quite at home, paid his garnish without +hesitation, and entered at once into the vacuum of indifference with his +new associates. +</p> +<p> +The attention of Dashall and Tallyho was attracted by the clank of +fetters, as one of the prisoners squatted himself on the pavement of the +yard. Leaning his back against the wall, he commenced darning an old +stocking, chanting at same time an old song from the Beggar's Opera, as if +predicting his own fate, yet with a manner indicating the most callous +indifference— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Since laws were made for every degree, +To curb vice in others as well as in me, +I wonder we ha'n't better company +Upon Tyburn tree.—— + +But gold from law can take out the sting, +And if rich men like us were to swing, +?Twould thin the land, such numbers would string +Upon Tyburn tree.—— +</div> +<p> +The irreclaimable depravity of this man could not excite any urgent +feeling of sympathy in his behalf, and our two friends took no further +notice of him. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[32]</span> Their Intelligencer, who in the +meanwhile had gone forth for information, now advancing,—“I +thought,” said he, “that I had seen elsewhere this Johnny Newcome; he is a +sharper, another precious addition to our respectable community."{1} +</p> +<p> +“Respectable, indeed,” exclaimed Tallyho, as he detected an urchin thief +in the act of picking his pocket of his handkerchief. This hopeful imp, +though young in years, was experienced in iniquity, had served an active +apprenticeship to the art of picking pockets with impunity, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The Sharper, who has generally had a genteel education, is +a person of good address and conversation, has more the +power of delusion at will than the unlettered cheat, devoid +of address and other requisites to complete the pretended +gentleman, and therefore should be more carefully avoided. +These villains, having run through their fortunes at an +early period of life by associating with professed gamblers +and sharpers, (who having eased them of their money, in +return complete them for the profession by which they have +been ruined) set up for themselves, throw aside honour and +conscience, and quote the lex talionis for deceiving others, +as they themselves have been deceived. These gentry are to +be met with at horse-races, cock-fights, the billiard and +hazard tables, and at all public places of diversion. On +your entering the coffee-house, tavern, or gaming-house, the +Sharper views you with attention, and is not long before he +becomes acquainted and very intimate with you; if you agree +to his proposal to play, if he cannot beat you by fair, he +will by foul means. Rather than lose, he will elude your +attention, and raise your passion sufficiently to put you +off your guard, while he plays his underhand game, and +cheats you before your face; and though you are sensible of +being cheated, yet you shall not be able to discover by what +means it is effected. The various methods sharpers have to +cheat and deceive are so many and unaccountable, that it +would exceed the limits of our publication to detail even +the tenth-part of them; their study is to supply their +exigencies by means within their power, however wicked or +villanous. If you associate with sharpers, you must not only +expect, but deserve to be cheated by them for your +credulity; for who would go with his eyes open into a den of +thieves, but in expectation of being robbed? Or, who would +herd with sharpers, and not expect to be cheated? We would +therefore advise the stranger in London to shun these +reptiles of the creation, fraught with guile, and artful as +the serpent to delude. Beware of their conversation, avoid +their company, take no notice of their tricks, nor be caught +by their wheedling professions of friendship; listen not to +any of their enticements, if you would preserve your peace +and property; be not fond of making new acquaintance with +persons you do not know, however genteel in appearance and +behaviour, for many a villain lurks under the disguise of a +modern fine gentle-man; and if any stranger asks you to play +with him for money, set him down in your mind as a Sharper,” + and leave the room immediately. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[33]</span>and at last became so great an adept in +the profession, that at the early age of thirteen years he was unanimously +elected captain of an organized band of juvenile depredators, some much +younger, none older than himself, who for a considerable length of time +set at defiance the vigilance of the police. These young fry carried on a +long protracted successful war of extermination against ladies' reticules. +One urchin, watching her approach, would lay himself across the path she +must pass, and it frequently happened that she tumbled over him; a grab +was then made at the reticule, the watch, and the shawl, with which the +young villains generally got clear off. Others, in detachments of two or +three, would hover about the door or window of a tradesman's shop, cut out +a pane of glass, and abstract some valuable trinket; or watch the +retirement of the shopkeeper into his back-room, when one of the most +enterprizing would enter on hands and knees, crawl round the counter with +the stillness of death, draw out the till with its contents, and bear off +the spoil with impunity. One night, however, luckily for the public, the +whole gang was made prisoners of, and dispersed to various gaols, each +delinquent being ordered a severe flogging and solitary confinement. +Availing himself of this indulgence, the Captain had watched the +opportunity of approximating towards Tallyho, and was detected, as we said +before, in the exercise of his former propensities; so difficult it is to +eradicate vice from the human mind, even though in this instance so early +implanted. Lenity in this case would have been equally misplaced as +unjust, although the Squire humanely pressed his intercession; the +incorrigible pilferer was therefore handed over to the custody of one of +the turnkeys, until the Governor might award a punishment suitable to the +heinousness of the offence. +</p> +<p> +The two friends had been here above an hour—it was an hour they +thought not idly spent. And now leaving a small donation for distribution +amongst such as appeared deserving objects, they returned home gratified +by the additional knowledge acquired of <i>Real Life in London</i>.<span +class="pagenum">[34]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0003"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER III +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“......Would you see +The Debtors' world, confide yourself to me. +Come; safely shall you pass the fatal door, +Nor fear it shuts you in, to ope no more. +See, frowning grimly o'er the Borough Road, +The crossing spikes that crown the dark abode! +O! how that iron seems to pierce the soul +Of him, whom hurrying wheels to prison roll, +What time from Serjeants' Inn some Debtor pale +The Tipstaff renders in default of bail. +Black shows that grisly ridge against the sky, +As near he draws and lifts an anxious eye: +Then on his bosom each peculiar spike, +Arm'd with its proper ill, appears to strike.” + </div> +<p> +THE recollection of past enjoyments in the vivacious company of Merry +well, could not fail to be revived in the minds of Dashall and his Cousin; +and as some persons, with due attention to his safety, had manifested +their interest and regard for him by obtaining his admission to the +Priory, where he was at this moment pursuing his studies, and could not +quite so conveniently call on them, an early visit was determined on. +</p> +<p> +“We shall,” said Tom, “by a call on Merrywell after six weeks residence +among the gay blades that inhabit the walls of the King's Bench, have all +the benefit of his previous observation. He will be able to delineate the +characters, consciences, and conduct of his neighbours. He will describe +all the comforts and advantages of a college life, introduce us to the +Bloods and the Blacks, and, in short, there are few persons I know, except +Sparkle himself, more able to conduct us through the intricacies of the +Building, to point out the beauty and excellence of the establishment, its +uses and abuses, than Merrywell.” + </p> +<p> +“Do they charge any thing on admittance?"enquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“O yes,” was the reply, “they charge you, by a public <span class="pagenum">[35]</span> +notice in the lobby, not to convey into the interior any spirituous +liquors, on pain of being yourself discharged from thence, and confined +elsewhere. Bless your soul, why the King's Bench is a little world within +itself, a sort of epitome of London; it is in a healthy situation, and the +space which it occupies is extensive. There are in all 224 rooms, and they +measure each about 14 or 16 feet by 12 or 13; of these, eight are called +State-rooms, are much larger than the rest, and more commodious; and a +well-breech'd customer may have almost any accommodation. It is the prison +most immediately belonging to the Court of King's Bench, and, exclusive of +debtors there sued, all persons standing in contempt of that Court, and +most of those committed under its sentence, are confined.” + </p> +<p> +“And pretty generally all inhabited?” interrogated Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Yes, and frequently it is difficult to obtain a place to sleep in even as +a chum.” + </p> +<p> +Bob found himself at fault, and required an explanation of the word chum. +</p> +<p> +“The chum,” replied Dashall, “is a partner or bed-fellow, a person who has +an equal right to all the comforts and conveniences of a room, previously +wholly in the possession of one.” + </p> +<p> +“I understand,” said Bob; “then when every room has already one occupant, +they accommodate him with a companion.” + </p> +<p> +“Exactly so, and he may prove friend or foe. This, however, may be +avoided, if the student is in possession of the rubbish, by an escape into +the Rules, which extend for three miles round the priory. These Rules are +purchaseable after the following rate, viz. Ten guineas for the first +hundred pounds, and about half that sum for every hundred pounds +afterwards; day-rules, of which three may be obtained in every term, may +be purchased for 4s. 2d. for the first day, and 3s. 10d. for the rest. +Each also must give good security to the Marshal.<span class="pagenum">[36]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“——The fiction of the law supposes, +That every prisoner, with means to pay, +(For he that has not this advantage loses,) +Either has business in the courts, or may; +Bond, fee, and sureties fresh prepare the way +And Mister Broothoft's manual sign declares +?That Mister such-a-one, on such a day, +?Hath got a rule of Court, and so repairs +?To town, or elsewhere, call'd by his affairs.' + +This little Talisman of strange effect, +(Four shillings just and sixpence is the price) +From Bailiff's power the wearer will protect, +And nullify a Capias in a trice: +It bears a royal head in quaint device, +At least as true as that which Wellesley Pole, +With taste for English artists much too nice, +Stamp'd by Pistrucci's aid (Heaven rest his soul! +And shield henceforth the Mint from his controul.) + +In various ways the various purchasers +That sally forth with this protecting spell, +Employ the privilege this grant confers: +Some, like myself, their lawyer's citadel +Besiege, his speed long striving to impel; +To take a dinner with a friend some go; +In fashion's haunts some for an hour to swell; +Some strive, what creditors intend, to know; +And some the moments on their love bestow.” + </div> +<p> +“Thus you have a full, true, and particular, as well as amusing account, +of a Day Rule, or what in the cant language of the day is termed hiring a +horse, which sometimes proves a bolter.” + </p> +<p> +“And what is meant by a bolter?” + </p> +<p> +“He is one,” replied Dashall, “who, having obtained the privilege of a Day +Rule, brushes off, and leaves his bondsmen, or the Marshal, to pay his +debt; or one who transgresses the bounds; but such a one when retaken, +usually undergoes some discipline from the inhabitants of the College, who +being all honourable men, set their faces against such ungentleman-like +proceedings.” + </p> +<p> +“Then they do sometimes make an escape?” + </p> +<p> +“Yes, notwithstanding their restrictive arrangements, such things have +occurred, and you must recollect that of Lord Cochrane, confined for the +memorable Stock Exchange hoax. The means by which it was effected, I +believe, have never been discovered; but certain it is, that he was in the +House of Commons, while a prisoner in the King's Bench, and on the first +night of his subsequent liberation, gave the casting vote against a +proposed grant to a certain Duke.” + </p> +<p> +“I remember it very well, and also remember that the generality of +thinking persons considered his Lordship harshly treated.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[37]</span> “However, he is now bravely fighting the +battles of independence, increasing both his fame and fortune, while some +of the Ministerial hirelings are subjected to a similar privation. We +shall have a view of some of the residents in this renowned place of +fashionable resort; the interior of which perhaps exhibits a spectacle far +more diversified, and if possible more immoral and vicious, than the +exterior. There are quondam gentlemen of fortune, reduced either so low as +not to be able to pay for the Rules, or so unprincipled and degraded as to +have no friend at command who could with safety become their surety. +Shop-keepers, whose knavery having distanced even their extravagance, +dread the appearance of ease exhibited in the Rules and the detection of +fraud, by producing the reverse of their independence, and who even grudge +the expenditure of money, to obtain limited liberty. Uncertificated +bankrupts, and unconvicted felons; Jews—gamblers by trade—horse-dealers—money +scriveners—bill discounters—annuity procurers—disinterested +profligates—unemployed and branded attorneys—scandal mongers +and libel writers—Gazetted publicans, and the perhaps less culpable +sinners of broken officers—reduced mechanics—starving authors, +and cast-off Cyprians.” + </p> +<p> +“A very comprehensive and animated account truly,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“And you will find it accurate,” continued Dashall, “for the turn-out of +this dwelling of crime and misery, resembles the Piazza de Sant Marco at +Venice, in the Carnival time. There are all descriptions and classes in +society, all casts and sects, all tribes and associations, all colours, +complexions and appearances, not only of human and inhuman beings, but +also all shades, features, and conformations of vice. The Spendthrift, or +degraded man of fortune, lives by shifts, by schemes, by loans, by +sponging on the novice, by subscription, or on commiseration's uncertain +aid. He has however in perspective some visionary scheme of emolument and +dishonour blended, to put into execution as soon as he obtains his +discharge. The uncertificated Bankrupt has many opportunities left yet; he +has other dupes, other tricks of trade, other resources in reserve. The +Swindler mellows, refines, and sublimates his plan of future operations, +and associates in it, perchance, a fallen fair one, or an incipient Greek, +<span class="pagenum">[38]</span> put up in the Bench. Horse-dealers, +money scriveners, bill doers, attorneys, &c. have either the means of +setting up again, or some new system of roguery to be put in practice, in +fresh time and place, which may conduct them to the harbour of Fortune, or +waft them over the herring pond at the expence of the public purse. The +disinterested Profligate here either consumes, corrupts, and festers, +under the brandy fever and despair, or is put up by a gambler, who sells +his art to his brother debtors, and thus lives in hope of yet turning the +honest penny in imitation of those who have gone before him. The Cyprian, +still exercising her allurements, lingers and decays until persecution +loses the point of its arrow, and drops from the persecutor's hand, +grasping more hardly after money, and opening from the clenched attitude +of revenge. Then, to conclude the picture, there are youths living upon +the open infamy of easy-hearted women, who disgrace and ruin themselves +without the walls, in order to pamper the appetite and humour the whims of +a favourite within, thus sacrificing one victim to another. Partners +carrying on trade in the world, communing with their incarcerated partners +in durance vile. Misery and extravagance, rude joy and frantic fear, with +more passions than the celebrated Collins ever drew, and with more scenes, +adventures, and vicissitudes, than ever Jonathan Wild or any other +Jonathan exhibited.” + </p> +<p> +“Excellent description,” exclaimed Bob. +</p> +<p> +“And you shall have ocular demonstration of its absolute existence; nay, +this sketch might serve for many other places of confinement, the Fleet, +&c. They are like the streets of the Metropolis, constantly varying in +their company, according to entrances and exits of their visitors.” + </p> +<p> +“This, however,” continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, “is rather a mental +picture of what we shall presently witness in reality, a sort of +introductory sketch by way of passport through the doors of this Panorama +of Beal Life, to which you will shortly be introduced; a sort of ideal, or +dramatic sketch of its inhabitants <i>en masse</i>, before the drawing up +of the curtain.” + </p> +<p> +The eagerness of Bob to listen to his Cousin's sketches of London society, +on the one hand, and the earnestness with which Dashall had been +exercising his imaginary powers, on the other, had led our perambulators +to the <span class="pagenum">[39]</span> foot of Blackfriar's Bridge, on +their road to the King's Bench, without any particular circumstance +exciting their attention; when Bob, suddenly twitching his Cousin by the +arm, and directing his eye at the same time to a thin spare figure of a +man, without hat or coat, who was rapidly passing towards Fleet market, +enquired who it was, and what was his occupation or calling. +</p> +<p> +“Don't you hear his calling?” was the reply. +</p> +<p> +“Hot, hot, hot, pudding hot!” was in a moment vociferated in his ears, +while the active and industrious mercantile pedestrian, with a swing of +his head, which was in continual motion from right to left, gave Bob a +wipe in the eye with his tail, which by the velocity of the wearer was +kept in full play like the pendulum of a clock, or the tail of Matthews in +his admirable delineation of Sir Fretful Plagiary. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds,” cries Bob, “it is true I may hear, but I can't pretend to say I +can see; who the devil is he? there is no looking at him, he seems to +leave time and space behind him; where is he?” + </p> +<p> +Tom laughed heartily, while Bob rubbed his eyes in vain to obtain another +view. +</p> +<p> +“That,” said Dashall, “is a sort of Commissary, a dealer in stores for the +stomach—red hot pudding, all hot, and commonly called the Flying +Pieman."{1}<span class="pagenum">[40]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 James Sharpe Eglaud, more commonly known in the streets of +the Metropolis by the appellation of the Flying Pieman, may +fairly be held forth as an example of what may be effected +by persevering industry and activity, especially in a large +and populous city. Those qualities, joined with a moderate +share of prudence, cannot fail to ensure to every man at +least comfort and respectability, it” not competence and +wealth, however humble his sphere, and however unpromising +his beginnings. He was bred to the sedentary trade of a +tailor, and worked for some years with his relation, Mr. +Austerbury, of Friday Street, Cheapside; but love, which +works so many changes, and which has ere now transformed +blacksmiths into painters, and which induced Hercules to +exchange his club for the distaff, caused this Knight of the +Steel Bar to relinquish the shop-board and patch up his +fortune by the patty-pan. He married his landlady, a widow, +who resided in Turnmill Street, Clerkenwell. He had a soul +above buttons, and abandoned the making of garments to cover +the outside, in order to mould cakes, pies, and other small +pastry, to comfort the internals. His active genius, +however, could not brook the tedious task of serving his +customers behind the counter; he therefore took up his +eatables and went abroad in quest of them, and we doubt not +he has found this practice, which he has continued ever +since, very profitable. The neatness and cleanliness of his +appearance at all times are truly pleasing. Hail, rain, or +shine, he may be seen abroad without coat or hat; his hair +powdered, his shirt sleeves turned up to his elbows, and a +steel hanging on his apron-string. Originally he carried a +tin case, something like a Dutch oven, in which he +constantly kept a lire, but is now generally seen with a +small tray. In serving a customer, he never touches his +pudding with his hands, but has a knife for the purpose of +presenting it to the purchasers, and his sale is so +extensive, that he is obliged to replenish several times in +a day; and in order to secure a regular and ready supply, +his female partner and himself convey a quantity of pudding +to a certain distance, and deposit their load at some +public-house, where she takes care to keep it “all hot,” + while Egland scours the neighbourhood in search of +customers. The first cargo being disposed of he returns for +more, and by this method he has it always fresh, and is +never in want of goods. + +Many laughable anecdotes are told of this flying pieman, and +perhaps a day's excursion in following him during his +peregrinations would furnish much of curious and interesting +amusement. We shall however select one, authenticated by his +appearance at Marlborough Street Police Office on Monday, +July 8, 1821, as most intimately connected with Real Life in +London; when he preferred a serious charge against a Beggar, +no other than the president of a smoking club in the Holy +Land, and others, for stealing his mutton pies, cutting off +his tail, and otherwise disfiguring his person. By the +evidence of Egland, it appeared that he was introduced, with +his goods for sale, to a company chiefly consisting of +street beggars in St. Giles's, the chair at that moment +being filled by a beggar without hands, well known in the +vicinity of the Admiralty as a chalker of the pavement. The +dignity of the chair was well sustained by this ingenious +colourer, who was smoking a pipe as great as an alderman +over a bason of turtle soup; but no sooner did Egland make +his appearance, than the company seized upon his goods and +crammed them down their throats, in spite of the repeated +vociferations of “honour, honour, Gentlemen,” from the +assailed. Resistance was vain, and Egland in this dilemma +began to consider that his only safety lay in flight. This, +however, he found equally impracticable; he was detained, +and by way of consolation for his loss, was called upon for +a song. His lungs were good, and although his spirits were +not much exhilarated by the introductory part of the +entertainment, he began to “tip 'em a stave;” but whilst he +was chanting “The stormy winds do blow,” a fellow cut off +his tail. This was worse than all the rest; it was, as it +were, a part of his working tools, and the loss of it was +likely to injure his business by an alteration of his +appearance, and could not be tacitly submitted to. + +The magistrates gravely considering this a most serious +charge of unprovoked attack upon an industrious individual, +ordered the parties to find bail, in default of fully +satisfying the inoffensive dealer in pastry, which was +accordingly done. + +In the year 1804, scorning to be behindhand in loyalty as +well as activity, he became a member of the Clerkenwell +Volunteers, and was placed in the light company, in which +capacity he obtained the character not only of being the +cleanest man, but the best soldier in the regiment. + +It is said, that for amusement, or the gratification of a +whim, he will sometimes walk a distance of fifty or a +hundred miles from the Metropolis, and return the same way. +On such occasions he always manages to take some companion +or friend out with him, but was never known to come back in +the same company; for so irresistibly are they allured +forward by his inexhaustible fund of humour and +sprightliness of conversation, that they seldom think of the +distance till they find themselves too far from home to +return on foot. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[41]</span>"Then,” said Bob, “he is not like some of +the London dealers, who invite their customers to taste and try before +they buy, for he scarcely seems to afford a chance of seeing what he +sells.” + </p> +<p> +“You did not try him,” replied Tom, “nor would he have expected you to be +a customer. He is a remarkable character, well known all over the +Metropolis. Particularly noted for his activity in disposing of his goods; +never standing still for a moment, but accosting with extraordinary ease +and fluency every person who appears likely to be a purchaser; always +ready with an answer to any question, but delivering it with so much +volubility, that it is impossible to propose a second enquiry, suiting at +the same time his answer to the apparent quality of the querist, though +frequently leaving it unfinished in search of a customer, and moving on +with so much rapidity, that you may almost find him at the same moment at +Tower Hill, Billingsgate, and Spa Fields; at Smithfield, Temple Bar, and +Piccadilly; indeed he may be said to be in all quarters of the town in a +space of time incredibly short for a man who obtains a livelihood by +seeking customers as he moves along.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds,” cried Bob, “this walking genius, this credible incredible, and +visible invisible pedestrian dealer in portable eatables, has almost +blinded me. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“For, by this flying pieman, +I've nearly lost an eye, man.” + </div> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom, “I've no fear of your eye while you can muster a +couplet; so let us proceed.” + </p> +<p> +Crossing Black friars Bridge, and approaching the road, Bob, who had +assuaged the pain of which he had previously <span class="pagenum">[42]</span> +been complaining, could not help admiring the extensive range of nouses on +each side of the way, terminated by a handsome building in the distance. +</p> +<p> +“That Building,” said Dashall, “will be the extent of our journey, for +very near to it is the habitation of Merrywell, where I entertain no doubt +you will find enough for observation of a useful as well as a humorous +nature: for an epitome of men and manners is there to be obtained.” + </p> +<p> +“Here are abundance of subjects worthy of inspection in this quarter,” + replied Tom, “and we therefore ought not to exhaust too much time on one, +so let us proceed: do you see that high wall to the right? That is the +Magdalen Hospital,{1} established for the relief and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The Magdalen Hospital in Blackfriars Road, enclosed from +public view, occupies an extensive space of ground, and is +from the nature of its inhabitants very properly so +enclosed. It was opened in the year 1758, and it must be a +delightful reflection to its governors, that during the +period it has subsisted, more than two-thirds of the women +who have been admitted have been reconciled to their +friends, or placed in honest employments or reputable +services: besides which, a very considerable portion have +since been married, and are at this moment respectable +members of society: circumstances which prove the great and +important utility of this admirable institution. + +There is no prescribed time for the objects of this charity +to remain in the house, it being varied according to +circumstances. Every effort is made use of to find out their +relations and friends, if possible, to bring about a +reconciliation with them, and if they prove to be persons of +character, to put them under their protection. If, however, +the young women are destitute of such friends, they are kept +in the house till an opportunity offers of placing them in +reputable services, or otherwise procuring them the means of +obtaining an honest livelihood, and they never discharge any +one without providing for her. There have been but few +discharged beyond the age of twenty years. + +The general business of the establishment is conducted by a +Committee consisting of 32 Governors, who meet at the +Hospital every Thursday at twelve o'clock precisely, except +on the first Thursday of every mouth, when they meet at +eleven. Two of them attend at the Chapel in rotation every +Sunday at morning and evening service, when a collection is +made at the door on entrance. The hours of divine service +are a quarter after eleven in the forenoon, and a quarter +after six in the evening; and on account of the fascination +of the singing, no place of worship in the Metropolis is +more worthy of the notice of strangers. + +An opportunity is afforded to companies who wish to visit +this charity, by addressing a request by letter to the +Committee any Thursday, or to A. Bonnet, Esq. the Treasurer, +any day in the week, and no fees are allowed to be taken. +</div> +<p> +reformation of wretched outcasts from society. The principle on which it +is founded, entitles it to the countenance and support of the public, and +particularly of the female sex, the object being to reclaim and restore to +virtue such wanderers in the labyrinths of vice as are not totally +depraved."<span class="pagenum">[43]</span> +</p> +<p> +“Admirable intentions indeed,” cried Tallyho, “if they are but as well +carried into effect.” + </p> +<p> +“The records of the establishment have proved its advantages to society, +or rather, I should say, to its conductors, for they are of a nature which +cannot be publicly exposed, without much private injury to the individuals +who partake of them. It is, however, not a little remarkable, that till +lately, on the very opposite side of the road, the neighbourhood has +exhibited scenes of vice, immorality, and indecency, which it is the great +object of this Charity if possible to prevent, by an endeavour to reclaim +the miserable and deluded wretches from their evil ways. I remember the +late John Home Tooke related in the House of Commons a curious anecdote, +in allusion to himself and his situation at the time, in which this +institution was mentioned, and which excited considerable interest. +</p> +<p> +“It is well known that the late John Home Tooke, of political memory as +the reputed tutor of a certain patriotic Baronet of the present day, as +well as the author of the Diversions of Purley, and a correspondent of the +yet undiscovered Junius, was a reverend divine of the Church of England; +and when he became a Member of Parliament, it was objected against him +that no person in Holy Orders could hold a seat in the honourable House of +Commons. In his reply, he very ingeniously observed, that this objection +reminded him of an applicant for admission to the Magdalen, who, upon +being exhorted by the Chaplain to forsake her evil ways, replied that she +was not aware of his meaning, and upon explanation she was excluded from +the Charity, because she was not bad enough to require reforming. 'This,' +said Mr. Home Tooke, 'is exactly my case; because I am in Holy Orders I +must leave the House, and after committing some act of impropriety to lose +my gown, I may yet be eligible for a Member of this Assembly.'” + </p> +<p> +“Pointed enough,” said Bob Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied Tom; “and having mentioned the name of the man, you may +perhaps recollect the order of the day, <span class="pagenum">[44]</span> +as well as the curious definition (before the Commissioners of the Income +Tax) as to how a man lives who has no income at all. Being interrogated by +the Commissioners, as to how he obtained his living, Mr. Home Tooke +replied as follows:—'Why, it appears to me, Gentlemen, that there +are three modes by which a person may obtain a living; the first is by +begging—now this I am too proud to submit to;—the second, by +stealing—this I don't choose to resort to;—and the third is by +the exercise of the wits—and this, Gentlemen, I presume, you know +nothing about.' +</p> +<p> +“Here,” said Dashall, “is the Surrey Theatre, formerly denominated the +Royal Circus. I shall, however, dispatch my description of it in a very +few words, as we will ere long pay a visit to its interior. It is a neat +building, and shews a good front to the road; is fitted up with a +considerable degree of elegance, and is a very convenient theatre. It was +originally conducted by Hughes and Jones, and its exhibitions were both +scenic and equestrian, something in the style of what Astley's +Amphitheatre is now; but you must see the one in order to form an idea of +the other. Horses are now banished at this place, where, under an annual +license from the magistrates of the county, burlettas, melodramas, +dancing, and pantomimes are got up, and performed in a style which would +not disgrace even the patent theatres. It is at present under the +management of Mr. Dibdin, a son of the celebrated writer of so many of our +national, patriotic, and characteristic ballads.—Just through the +turnpike, the building which gives a sort of finish to the road, is the +School for the Indigent Blind; at the back of which is the Philanthropic +Institution, calculated to unite the purposes of charity with those of +industry and police, to rescue from destruction the offspring of the +vicious and criminal; and Bethlem Hospital, for the care and cure of +insane persons, well deserving of minute inspection; and to the right, at +the corner of a road which leads from Westminster Bridge towards Vauxhall, +is an Asylum for Female Orphans, which, as the Magdalen was intended to +reclaim prostitutes, was originally intended to prevent prostitution. To +the left again is the King's Bench; and as that is our present place of +destination, we will forego any further description, till another +opportunity. +</p> +<p> +“I cannot, however, refrain a few remarks on the <span class="pagenum">[45]</span>situation +we are now in, for from this place may be seen the children of penance +(the Magdalen); the children of darkness (the School for the Indigent +Blind); the insane (New Bethlem); the infatuated and fanatic (the +congregations of the Zoar Chapel, and the faithful of mewses, garrets, and +wooden tabernacles); the children of Thespis and Terpsichore (the Surrey +Theatre), mingled together as it were with the debtor and the captive (the +King's Bench): at least, placing ourselves at this obelisk in the centre +of the road, the mind's eye can comprehend them within a short distance of +each other.” + </p> +<p> +“And a curious admixture of the useful and the sweet it certainly is,” + exclaimed Tallyho, anxious to give his Cousin a little respite, while they +turned to the left on their way to the Bench. +</p> +<p> +“You will find,” continued Tom, “all the before-mentioned infirmities, +blindness, infatuation, madness, and profligacy, within the walls that we +shall shortly enter, without the repentant spirit of the Sisters within +the walls we have just passed. You will also find there is a plenty of +self-interest and hypocrisy combined with them; nay, an hospital of +incurables is only wanting to complete the scene. It is not till lately +that a little reform has been effected in this quarter, for Dover Street +and its vicinity, as I before observed, so near to these benevolent +charities and to the walls of a prison, have been the sink of female +profligacy, of the lowest, most dangerous, and most disgusting kind; and +suffered too long to pollute the streams of charity and impede the road to +reform. However, at length the nuisance is removed, at least the public +appearance of it, though the neighbourhood is not altogether bereft of its +private negociations and stolen accommodations. But come, now for an +interior view of the. Abbott's Park, its interesting scenery, and its +multi-farious characters. There you shall see what you shall see, and +Merrywell will tell you more in ten minutes than you might wish to know in +your whole life, I mean practically, though it is well to know in theory +what ought never to be reduced to experiment."<span class="pagenum">[46]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0004"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER IV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“——Give me leave to ask a question; +Pray, in the King's Bench have you ever been? +The Bench! Good Heaven! how shocking a suggestion! +Was e'er so saucy a companion seen? + +Well, you ne'er saw the place; or if you did, +?Twere better not too closely to surmise; +Enough, enough, those frowns the thought forbid, +Who sees too much is rarely counted wise; +I rather boast that mine are prudent eyes; +Persons and things so quietly they read, +Nor by a glance confess they scrutinize, +That thoughtless lookers think me blind indeed, +When of themselves I take the strictest heed. +But since you wish me to believe that College +Ne'er gave its finish to your education, +I, of its laws and customs having knowledge, +Ere I take up the thread of my narration, +Must say a little for your information.” + </div> +<p> +THEY had now passed the outer gates of the prison, and entered a court +yard surrounded by a wall, which enclosed some good looking houses. +</p> +<p> +“These houses,” said Dashall, “are occupied by the principal officers of +the place, and devoted to purposes of business, or let out by them for the +accommodation of those who' have purchased the privilege of the Rules. +This door directly opposite the gate, is the only entrance to the Park.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link3image-0002"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page046.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page46 King's Bench "><br> +</div> +<p> +They next passed up the steps, and entered a gloomy apartment, where after +a few minutes a Turnkey, surveying their persons rather minutely, opened +the ponderous door, which admitted them to an inner court of confined +dimensions. Bob looked around him with surprise after the description of +his Cousin, and began to think he had been vamping up imaginary pictures +of what was not to be realized; however, hearing a variety of voices, and +perceiving another gate, he quelled his conjectures and <span +class="pagenum">[47]</span> followed Dashall, who, upon knocking at the +door, was surveyed from a sort of loop-hole by the keeper within, who +quickly gave them entrance; and the spacious appearance of the parade, +racquet ground, and habitations, and a moving panorama of personages of +both sexes, attracted his immediate attention. +</p> +<p> +Gazing with enquiring eyes upon this world-within-walls,{1} they scarcely +heeded the variety of salutations with which they were greeted on +entering, such as nods, winks, and touches on the shoulder from one who +appeared as unconscious of such familiarity as if he had for some time +been wholly absorbed in the solution of a mathematical problem, or the +horse-laugh of the ignorant and vulgar, by whom they found themselves +surrounded. Struggling through the throng, Dashall impelled his Cousin +forward, repeating as he proceeded, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“How many o'er this threshold pass that mouru, +Wanting our power at pleasure to return; +A moment let us pause ere we ascend +The gallery that leads us to our friend; +Survey the place, where all that meets your view, +Is full of interest, and strangely new. +Could we but hide those grinning spikes awhile, +Borne spacious barrack we might think the pile.” + </div> +<p> +“However,” continued he, “I perceive we are quizzed, we will just take a +turn round, and probably we may meet Merrywell, if not, we will soon find +him out by enquiry. You perceive, they have the accommodation of a +butcher's shop, and a baker's, besides green stalls, fish stalls, and +chandlers' shops, which give the place the appearance of a public market, +while the racquet players and others amusing themselves in various ways, +resemble that of a fair.” + </p> +<p> +“Indeed,” said Tallyho, “your description is just, for I have as yet seen +but few sorrowful faces, every one seems to have some object in view, +either of business or pleasure, almost as attractive as those without the +walls.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[48]</span> “And in many instances,” continued +Dashall, “of as much, nay, more interest. However, you perceive the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The walls of the King's Bench are about thirty feet high, +sur-mounted by a <i>chevaux de frieze</i>, and as a place of +confinement, it is of great though uncertain antiquity. +</div> +<p> +accommodation of the inmates has been studied by the founders of the +College. Water is well supplied from four pumps, and were it not that the +walls intercept the views, a man here might almost consider himself in his +own habitation, with only one drawback.” + </p> +<p> +“And what is that?” enquired Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Merely, that like the starling, he can't get out.” + </p> +<p> +“How now,” said Merry well, who had espied the entrance of his friends +from the window of his apartment, and immediately descended to greet them—touching +the Honourable Tom Dashall on the shoulder, while he seized Bob by the +opposite arm. +</p> +<p> +“What are you a'ter, exploring the secrets of the prison-house?” + </p> +<p> +Mutual congratulations having passed, Merrywell welcomed them to his +habitation, significantly informing them at the same time, that +notwithstanding his powers of entertainment were just then not what he +could wish, all was right, the trick was done, that he was arranging for a +house in the Rules, <i>pro tempore</i>, and that it would not be long +before he should have the honour of meeting them in a way that would be +more agreeable to all parties. “However,” continued he, “if you can bear a +confined apartment, I promise you shall have nothing else to complain of. +Can you put up with pot-luck in a prison?” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly,” was the reply, “our object was to spend a convivial hour with +you, to wile away a little of the time, to see and learn, to take a peep +at things as they are, and to form our judgments upon their existence.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” replied Merrywell, “you have arrived <i>en bon heure</i>, for in +this place a volume of information may be obtained, which, if judiciously +applied, must prove beneficial; and while dinner is preparing, I can +afford you abundance of amusement; so come along, we must move round this +way to the gate again, in order to take any thing like an accurate survey, +and I can furnish some anecdotes of the paraders, the players, the +officers of the Court, and the visitors, which cannot fail to prove +interesting. This, however, must be done with caution, for suspicion is +ever active, and jealousy constantly awake within these walls; and as I +mean to give you sketches of individual characters, rather than a general +view of <span class="pagenum">[49]</span> the society with which I am now +in association, a little discretion may be well made use of.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“Now let us analyse, but not too loud, +If wise, the composition of this crowd; +Made up from native soil and foreign clime, +Of waste and folly, accident and crime. +Here join the Speculator and the Fool, +Greybeards, and youngsters rather tit for school, +(At least for any school but this alone, +Where College vices in the shade are thrown.) +Of pugilists, of haberdashers, jugglers, +Horse jockeys, swindlers, Bond Street beaux, and smugglers, +By hollow friendship some in prison thrown, +By others' follies some—more by their own.” + </div> +<p> +By this time they had traversed round the open walk of the prison, and on +arriving at the place of entrance— +</p> +<p> +“Do you observe that small building on the right? it is called the State +House, and contains the largest and most convenient rooms; it is usually +devoted to the accommodation of such as are best enabled to pay; and there +are persons residing here, who live as well, and in as dashing a style as +those without the walls, or at least pay as much for their living. On the +left hand you may also perceive the chapel, for the spiritual wants of +those confined are not to be forgotten.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“There, in the centre, is the chapel door, +With ever changing notices spread o'er: +Whatever doctrines may within be taught, +With words of peace that door is rarely fraught: +For there, mid notices of beds for hire, +Of concerts in the state-house by desire, +Some ill-spelt scrawl demands the mighty debt +Of half a crown, with a ferocious threat; +Some traitorous agent is denounced; some spy, +That blabb'd of gin, is hung in effigy; +Here angry fools proclaim the petty jar, +And clumsy pasquinades provoke to war.” + </div> +<p> +By this time they had reached the door of the Chapel, which, by the +various placards pasted against it, fully confirmed the description of +Merrywell. +</p> +<p> +Bob, casting his eyes around him, discovered much for enquiry. “Who are +those in the corner in close conversation together?” + </p> +<p> +“The farthest from us,” replied Merrywell, “is a Jew attorney, well +acquainted with all the shuffling arts of the <span class="pagenum">[50]</span> +place; one who can explain the whole game, from raising the wind, down to +the White-washing Act, for the knowledge and experience of gentlemen in +these days are astonishing. You would scarcely believe it, but such is the +fact, there are rakes of quality and of fashion, who are their own +farriers, horse dealers, who know every trick upon the cards and dice—cutting, +shuffling, slipping, cogging, securing; who have cards and dice always at +hand, and ready made to their hand; who, although they are awake to a good +thing, know the odds to a nicety, and can give or take according as it may +best suit their purpose, yet are not properly initiated in all requisite +mysteries, till a sort of finish is given to their education, by a +temporary retirement here; where they learn a sufficiency of the law to +give information on all the quirks and quibbles of the arrest laws, of +bailing, demurring, justifying bail, putting in bail above, of writs of +error, county and Marshalsea writs, of letters of licence, the laws +against usury, the bankrupt laws, and finally of acts of grace; perhaps +the last and only one in their lives bearing that name: but we must walk +on, or we may be overheard.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” said Dashall, “you are by this time pretty well acquainted with +the characters of your companions, and expect to leave the College with +more information than you previously possessed.” + </p> +<p> +“No doubt of it,” was the reply; “but as my case was not desperate, I have +not sought desperate remedies. I am at this moment supposed by certain +friends of mine to be in the gay city of Paris, enjoying all the luxuries +of the Thuilleries, the Louvre, the Palais Royal, and the Elysian Fields; +and I doubt not I shall be able to convince an old rich uncle of mine of +the fact. And as my expectations chiefly rest on him, and he cannot last +long, I shall upon liberation make my approaches to him with a little of +the French polish I am preparing while here. This, however, is selfish +conversation.” + </p> +<p> +“Yet perfectly in point,” continued Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“And equally interesting too,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Do you see,” said Merrywell, “that young man buttoned up to the chin, in +what has been a blue great coat? He is one of the lecturers.” + </p> +<p> +“Lecturers?” enquired Tallyho; “what, have you lectures in the College?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[51]</span> “Undoubtedly we have, on subjects of the +utmost importance too. That young man, who began the world with slender +property, but who contrived by a strict adherence to ways and means to cut +a dashing figure, and live as if he had a large fortune, is in possession +of volumes of information, which he is willing to retail to such as +require it. What are termed lecturers here, are needy debtors, who put up +young men less knowing than themselves, for money or for a dinner; and his +experience is great, for when he had worn out all quarters of the town in +the way of trick, when the fashionable watering places were teeming with +clamorous creditors, when he was expelled from all the clubs in +consequence of not paying his subscriptions, nay, when he owed almost all +the waiters money, he came to this place nearly pennyless, and now, by +singing a good song, telling a tough story, and occasionally giving +lectures to his brothers in confinement, he manages to get a good dinner +daily, and seldom goes to bed sober.” + </p> +<p> +“Then his ways and means are not yet exhausted; he must be a good +financier, and might be made very useful to the Minister,” replied Tom; +“and it is really a pity such talents are not duly appreciated.” + </p> +<p> +“Who is that little stout man who passed you just now with a nod of the +head?” enquired Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“That,” answered Merrywell, “is Capt. W——, a sort of walking +automaton, a kind of medley of incomprehensibles, something like pedants' +periods, very inanimate, and as you perceive, very round. He was formerly +a button maker, but having a desire to sink the shank, he enlisted under +the banners of Cupid, paid his addresses to one of the Queen's maids, +carried the fortress by a <i>coup de main</i>, and gained a safe lodgement +in the covert way, by taking the oath of allegiance at the altar of Hymen. +Spurning buttons, he aspired to the epaulette, and was appointed paymaster +to the 7th Hussars. Then he set up a coach to run to and from Maidenhead. +This being one iron too many in the fire, soon became too hot for him. He +defaulted for a considerable sum, and has been in quod for four years. +Here comes a beau of the first order, a Colonel, and a most determined +Dandy, even in confinement. Colonel R—— adheres as much to the +nicety of dress in this place, as he would for a military appearance on +parade. He <span class="pagenum">[52]</span> is Colonel of the New Grenada +Horse. I have not yet learned much of his former pursuits or his origin. +There is, however, an anecdote of him circulated, which prove the +admirable fitness of such a person for such a command. It is said that +when he obtained his appointment, he very significantly asked the General, +what stocks he should have for his guns, meaning the gun carriages.” + </p> +<p> +“That's a little too severe,” cried Dashall, laughing at the same time, +“it was but a <i>lapsus linguæ</i>, such as might happen to any man.” + </p> +<p> +“I claim no merit in the relation,” was the reply; “however, it has raised +many a laugh at his expence, and as I had it so you now have it. But we +have other game in view, and must not be exhausting our time in +criticising immaterial points of propriety. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Here ruin'd Lawyers, ruin'd Clients meet; +Here Doctors their consumptive Patients greet, +Sick of one malady that mocks all skill, +Without the true specific golden pill +Here finished Tailors, never to be paid, +Turn eyes on many a coat themselves have made; +And Bailiffs, caught by their own arts at last, +Meet those their capias yesterday made fast. +There stalks a youth whose father, for reform, +Has shut him up where countless vices swarm. +But little is that parent skill'd to trace +The springs of action,—little knows the place, +Who sends an ailing mind to where disease +Its inmost citadel of health may seize.” + </div> +<p> +“You entertain us with a diversity of mental dishes,” said Tom; “Manacles, +Mammon, and Morality, dance through the mazes of your imagination in rapid +and admirable succession—I wonder you don't commence Lecturer.” + </p> +<p> +“I do not conceive myself qualified, and as I have no real occasion to be +a pretender, I leave it to those who have.—O! there goes a curiosity— +</p> +<p> +“If you look sharp you'll see the short knee'd breeches, Brown hat and +powdered head of stalking P—tch—s.” + </p> +<p> +“He is known here by the title of Don; he has been a long resident within +these walls, has seen much of Life, and is still a gay fellow. He was +formerly a Member of Parliament, but not being able to overrule the +Speaker, he out-run the Constable, and was seized by <span class="pagenum">[53]</span> +the Bailiffs. He is, however, a jolly companion, and lives well; but to +show his contempt for riches, he has actually seated his inexpressibles +with the parchment title deeds of his own estate, with impressions similar +to the old song— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Why should we quarrel for riches, +Or any such glittering toys? +A tight heart and a thin pair of breeches +Will go through the world, my brave boye.” + </div> +<p> +“Who is that with the rackets under his arm?” enquired Bob. +</p> +<p> +“That is Baker, a sort of privileged man, who is allowed the advantages of +supplying the inmates with rackets, balls, &c. He lends rackets, sells +balls, keeps scores, and occasionally carries on the haberdashery trade.” + </p> +<p> +“Then he is a shop-keeper, I suppose.” + </p> +<p> +“He is a measurer of tape” replied Merry well, “by way of refreshment, or +in other words, under safe circumstances, can spin out Old Tom or +Blue-ruin.” + </p> +<p> +“I understand,” said Bob, “a little of the Cratur.” + </p> +<p> +“Here,” continued Merry well, “is the coach-maker to the late Christophe, +King of Hayti, Mr. H—— of Long Acre notoriety. This gentleman +bought a considerable estate, which, with true parental regard, he settled +on his daughter, and paying for his purchase by his residence here, +whether his intentions will be fulfilled or not, so as to obtain +liberation by the Whitewashing Act, no one at present can tell—and +Colville is taking his walks—he is one of the Janitors, and Crier of +the place. He has a Stentorian voice, which is a part of his business to +exercise in calling the prisoners. I know but little of him, and even that +is not worth knowing. He, however, has the character of being an informer, +and I am not aware that he is in possession of any good qualities. I +shall, therefore, rather give a slight sketch of the office he holds, than +of the person.<span class="pagenum">[54]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Whoe'er one night has slept within these walls, +Has heard the din that each new comer calls, +To where the keen-eyed Turnkeys wait to trace +The lineaments of every novel face. +Each morning thro' the Bench goes forth a cry, +By Colville sent thro' every gallery high. +To number “One,” peals round the shout from “Ten,” + Far rolling heard, “Pull up! now Gentlemen!” + </div> +<p> +“This is the custom with every new comer, and is productive sometimes of +much mirth to some, but of infinite mortification to others, according to +the circumstances of the case. As it would occupy some time to describe +them, I shall give you a poetical sketch of a morning in the Bench; and by +the introduction of a fictitious name, make you acquainted with a general +practice. Imagine for a moment, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Rous'd by the force of that Stentorian sound, +Rose Belcour, dressed, and soon the lobby found. +About the door a throng of varlets stood, +A grinning and ill-favoured brotherhood, +That scoff and gibe at every wight that wears +Linen less black, or better coat than theirs. +For these, young Belcour was too fair a mark; +?Make way,' cries one, 'he's going to the Park: +His horses wait; he's going for a ride.' +?Fool, 'tis his tilbury,' another cried; +?D'ye think his lordship rides without his spurs?' +?A curse upon such base unmanner'd curs,' +Between his teeth impatient Belcour mutter'd, +As each his wit so truly attic utter'd; +Then, 'mid the laughter of the brutal throng, +Dark frowning through the door he moved along. +Within the upper lobby Morris sate, +And touch'd with easy complaisance his hat; +And cried, not deigning from his seat to stir, +?We hope you're pretty comfortable, Sir. +?These chaps about the door are rather rum; +?But, love you! So they do to all that come.' +Short was the conference; the Turnkey's look +Quick cognizance of Belcour's features took; +And never, from that hour might he pass by +Unnoted by that well-observing eye.” + </div> +<p> +“Well,” said Tallyho, “I must confess such scrutiny on the one part, and +such observations on the other, would be more than likely to ruffle my +temper, and I should be apt to signify my disapprobation, at least of all +that was unnecessary.” + </p> +<p> +“In that case,” replied Merry well, “you would only subject yourself to +additional torment: you would have songs, epigrams, lampoons, and epitaphs +in abundance, which would prove still more irritating; for this is the +seat of learning and of wit, of poets, painters, and musicians, who, being +enraptured with their own arts, neglect that of book-keeping, till a +residence here gives them a leisure opportunity to close their ledgers. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[55]</span> Speaking on that subject, by the by, we +have among us, at this moment, the publishers of the John Bull, whose +combined efforts in the way of scurrility have rendered them notorious +among the periodicals of present times. There is, however, little of +public attraction about them; and although they profess to have a +subscription opened, to enable them to pay the fine imposed upon them, it +is doubted whether any such is really in existence. Here, however, is a +character of another description: +</p> +<p> +Captain K—— is still a gay fellow, though I apprehend rather +what we call hard up just now. He has had the opportunity of expending a +very considerable property in seeing Life, but if report say true, it has +been chiefly exhausted among the fair sex, and coffee-house keepers. +Seldom much depressed in spirits, let the world wag as it will, he +sometimes gives good dinners and enjoys himself with a friend, though I +suspect that can, under present circumstances, only be done when he can +pitch the gammon to the wine merchant, and induce him to stand the +nonsense.” + </p> +<p> +“And do wine merchants give credit to persons in confinement?” enquired +Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Certainly,” was the reply, “for services done or promised to be done, or +upon the security of some friend, who perhaps intends soon after to pay +his engagements by a similar mode to that of the person whose debt he +pretends to secure. No place can be found where the study of ways and +means is more closely attended to than this. Of our prisons in general, +much the same may be said as of our gaming houses; very few get out of +them as they went in. A dupe is the general character of those who first +enter; but they seldom fail to acquire that of knave before their +departure. The air is infectious, the society fatal to morality and to +honesty; few pass through the ordeal with purity, and return +uncontaminated to the world; and yet, after all the frauds, tricks, and +speculations practised, it is well to be acquainted with them, in order to +guard against the recurrence, if a man can but have fortitude enough to +avoid practising them himself.<span class="pagenum">[56]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Think not that the action of the place +Is all revealed upon this open space; +The darkest portion of the picture lies +Obscur'd and cover'd up from public eyes; +Here much you see, that bids you all mistrust, +Much that provokes aversion and disgust; +New friends, who coolly ask a one pound note, +Or borrow for an hour, then pawn, your coat. +Such stuff as this upon the surface swims; +He little sees who but the surface skims. +How much of fraud and finished wickedness, +How much of deep despair and keen distress, +Thought of by few, and seen by none, the while, +Is chamber'd in the niches of this pile!” + </div> +<p> +“Zounds,” cried Dashall, “your pictures have so much light and shade, so +much to admire, and so much to condemn, that there is scarcely any +possibility of arriving at any conclusion.—Bless me, there is Dick +Rakewell!” + </p> +<p> +“Do you know him?” said Merry well. +</p> +<p> +“What the devil are you doing here?” cried a young man advancing, and at +the same time catching the Honourable Tom Dashall by the hand; “Are you +initiated, or merely come to take a peep at the curiosities of this +menagerie? Have you tipp'd and shewn yourself in due form; or do you still +sport a game leg among the gallants of Bond Street?” + </p> +<p> +“Fortunately,” said Dashall, “I can still boast of the latter, and have no +very strong inclination to aspire to all the honour and happiness of the +former.” + </p> +<p> +“Grown serious and sedate; I suppose married, and ca'nt come—pretty +wife—lots of children—love and fireside comfort at home—pleasure +abroad—cash in hand, and care for nobody. That's the sort—give +you joy with all my heart—never were such times.” + </p> +<p> +“I am glad you find them so,” continued Tom; “but your anticipations are a +little too rapid, and your imagination rather too vivid for my proceeding; +however, there is no knowing what we may come to; life is a labyrinth full +of turnings and windings. But what brought you here?” + </p> +<p> +“Driven in by the Philistines,” was the reply; “caught like a harmless +dove by the Greeks—clean'd out.—By the cog, I was obliged to +fly to this pigeon house, in order to avoid being cut up by my creditors; +and, up to a little of the Newmarket logic, I am now crossing and justling +though it is doubtful at present who will win the race.” + </p> +<p> +“You have not far to run, however,” replied Dashall, “and it is therefore +fair to presume the heat will soon be over.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[57]</span> “As usual,” cried Rakewell, “always +something short, but pungent, like a pinch of merry-go-up{1}—satire +and sentiment—mirth, morality, and good humour—unmarried and +still the same man. These are better subjects of congratulation than the +former.” + </p> +<p> +“We shall dine at half past three,” said Merry well, “and if you are +inclined to make one along with us, you will find me at home.” + </p> +<p> +“I should have no objection to meet you abroad,” exclaimed Rakewell; “but, +however, I'm your man. Half past three, d——nd unfashionable; +but never mind, +</p> +<p> +I'll pick a bone with you; and spite of dull care and high walls, 'locks, +bolts, and bars, we'll defy you;' and my life for it we have a jolly +afternoon. Is the cellar well stored, and the kitchen in good repair?” + </p> +<p> +“All right, my boy!” exclaimed Merrywell, “bring your bellows{2} in good +order, and don't be afraid of your bread basket.{3} The dibs are in +tune.{4} A ball of fire,{s} a dose of daffy, or a blow out of black strap, +will set the blue devils at defiance, give a spur to harmony, and set the +spirits a jogging.” + </p> +<p> +“Then at half past three I'll have a turn to with you,” continued +Rakewell; “so no more at present from your loving Cousin. I am going now +to call on Fred. Fearnought; that fellow has deceived me; I thought him a +trump, but he's eaten up with hopes and fears, tormented in mind, body, +and estate, no more pluck than a dunghill chick. I must stir him up with a +long pole, give him a lesson or two, touch him to the quick, and then +quickly adjourn to you; so adieu for the present.” + </p> +<p> +Thus saying, he made his escape from his friends, and, passing through one +of the entrances to the interior, was quickly out of sight. +</p> +<p> +“That,” said Dashall, addressing his Cousin, “was one of the gayest of the +gay in all the leading circles of <i>haut ton</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“And I assure you,” said Merrywell, “he has not lost one atom of his +vivacity, notwithstanding the alteration in his circumstances; he is +always full of humour, ready for a bit of fun even in confinement; he +plays, laughs, sings, drinks, and is about one of the most cheerful +companions I know."<span class="pagenum">[58]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Merry-go-up—Snuff. + +2 Bellows—A cant term for the lungs. + +3 Bread-basket—The stomach. + +4 The dibs are in tune—There is plenty of money. + +5 A ball of fire—A glass of brandy. +</div> +<p> +“Then,” rejoined Bob, “he is a philosopher, for he has learned to bear.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” continued Dashall, “but the other, and by far the most important, +part of philosophy is to forbear.” + </p> +<p> +“That,” said Merry well, “he yet has to learn, and I have my doubts +whether he will accomplish that desirable object while here. He has, with +a moderate allowance from his father, contrived to drive his four-in-hand +at times, to keep seven or more horses on his hunting and Town +establishments; has kept some of the most dashing and expensive ladies, +expensive male company; indulged in extravagant habits of all sorts, and +has twinkled for a while in the highest gambling circles. A run of ill +luck has at last sent him here, but not before he had honoured almost all +the horse-dealers, coach-makers, and saddlers, gunsmiths and +tavern-keepers in Town, with his custom, or rather with his name on their +books. His father is a man of considerable property, which must eventually +come to him, and he may yet form a conspicuous figure in High Life.” + </p> +<p> +“What have we here?” said Tallyho, stopping to read a paper displayed in +the window of a barber's shop. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The old and only established shop at the prison +“price: shave well for one penny, hair fashionably cut +“for twopence, at 17 in 16, first staircase round the corner.” + </div> +<p> +“Seventeen in sixteen—I don't understand this.” + </p> +<p> +“Each of the doors,” said Merry well, “which lead to the apartments is +numbered, as is likewise every room in each passage, by which means much +facility is afforded to visitors who come to make a call upon their +friends. The operator himself is a prisoner, and so are most of those who +carry on trades; but opportunities are afforded for any person to come in +and supply articles to the inhabitants; and at an early hour in the +morning you may hear almost all the cries of London."<span class="pagenum">[59]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Milk, matches, eggs, and Epping sausages, +Greens, water-cresses, chips, geranium trees; +A brush or broom, deal wood, cow-heel, and tripe, +Fresh butter, oranges all round and ripe; +Rabbits, a kettle, jug, or coffee pot, +Eels, poultry, home-bak'd bread, and rolls all hot; +Shirt buttons, nosegays, coals, and God knows what +Such are the goods that pass the lobby door, +Cried in all tones that vary, squeak, and roar.” + </div> +<p> +“A little further on,” said Merry well, “is the public kitchen, where, for +a trifling fee, cooking is performed for the prisoners, and hot water +supplied at a penny per kettle. Then there is a coffee-room and a tap-room +for general accommodation, according to the circumstances of the inmates; +so that in point of fact there is little to be regretted here, but the +loss of liberty, and the want of money.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds,” said Bob, “those two articles constitute all that is valuable in +life, and in their absence it dwindles into mere existence. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“And bare existence man to live ordained, +“Wrings and oppresses with enormous weight.” + </div> +<p> +“I admit the justice of the remark, for to become an article of +vegetation, were it sure of continuance, would be one of the most irksome, +as well as degrading situations to which a man could be reduced. But you +should recollect, that the generality of persons who study in this College +expect an early termination of their privations, by which hope is kept +alive; and when the cherished hope is realized, of escaping from these +walls, all recollection of the past is banished; and it is doubtful +whether the temporary absence from the possibility of indulging in folly +does not increase the possibility as well as the power, when at liberty.” + </p> +<p> +“Who do you call that man with his hands in his pockets?” pointing to a +person at a short distance from them at the moment, in slovenly attire, +and with a vacant countenance. +</p> +<p> +“Hush,” replied Merry well, “for we have modest men here as well as +elsewhere; men who, though they have rendered themselves famous (a more +delicate term than notorious) are not emulous of having their deeds +recorded in history, and are indeed very tenacious of satisfying +enquiries: his name is F—rr—ter, not quite so vacant as he +looks; for it is, generally speaking, not your empty-headed fellows who +can arrive at the honour of a residence here, it is rather those of +brilliant imagination, of aspiring talent, who have been determined to +have money for a time, without heeding the source from which it was +derived—who have been up to snuff, till they have reduced themselves +to the necessity of resting contented with the marrow-bone stage instead +of a phaeton or a <span class="pagenum">[60]</span> curricle, and twopenny +in lieu of claret The person you allude to, however, is brother to Cecil F—rr—ter +of Court notoriety, and has really been in possession of considerable +property. It is said that his principal failing has been too strong an +inclination to resort to the law, and that upon the law and lawyers he has +expended the bulk of his fortune.” + </p> +<p> +“He cuts a curious figure now, however,” said Tallyho, “and every view at +first sight would take him for a. fortunate youth.” + </p> +<p> +“Do you observe that man in mustachios, now talking with P——s? +That is Captain R——n, who bears a more striking resemblance in +character to the celebrated youth you mention; he had at one time inspired +a belief among those who knew him, that he was a man of property—married +with a view to realize it; and upon comparing notes after the nuptial knot +was tied, both parties discovered they were taken in; but it is not +ascertained whether this mutual disappointment ended with smiles.” + </p> +<p> +“Why, it was no laughing matter,” said Tom; “the lucky hit was all a +miss.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes, there was a Miss taken, and a Biter bit. Love is a lottery as well +as life, and the chances two to one against the adventurer,” replied +Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“It may be so,” said Merrywell; “I am not fly{1} to the subject at +present; perhaps Sparkle could by this time unravel some of its mysteries, +and give beneficial lessons to us all: however, time is flying, we will +just make one more turn, and then to dinner with what appetite we may. Do +you observe the pericranium topp'd with a Prussian cap, and the wearer +with a pipe in his mouth?” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Fit—To be up to any thing, to understand, to know, or be +awake. +</div> +<p> +“I was on the point of enquiry,” said Bob; “Pray who is he?” + </p> +<p> +“That is another Captain.” + </p> +<p> +“Who! One would almost think you have the whole army of Martyrs confined +here,” said Tallyho; “at all events, your ranks are not deficient of +officers.” + </p> +<p> +“But then,” said Dashall, “they are out of commission and out of +practice.” + </p> +<p> +“For want of command,” continued Merrywell; “though Capt. S——, +although never made a Commander in Chief, has been an exalted character, +having once been made <span class="pagenum">[61]</span>inspector of the +pavement,{1} or in other words knapp'd the stoop; and, if report says +true, he has also figured away in other situations equally honourable—a +flash turf man—a naval character, and a smuggler. But come, I have +given you a sort of index by which you may read, mark, and learn more, +when we are more at leisure. It is now half past three o'clock, and +punctuality is always my motto.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Inspector of the pavement, or knapp'd the stoop—Cant term +for the pillory. +</div> +<p> +“Humph,” ejaculated Tom; “Cash down, and no grumbling.” + </p> +<p> +“D——n severity,” was the reply; “no more of that, or we cut: +touch my honour, and you touch my life.” + </p> +<p> +“Dot and go one,” cried Dashall. “Come along, Bob!” and catching his +Cousin by the arm, they followed Merrywell in silence to his apartment in +the State House. +</p> +<p> +On arrival, they found the dinner on table; and Hakewell, true to his +appointment, arrived before them. The keen air of Surrey, though rather +confined, had furnished them with good appetites. Apologies were banished, +and to it they went without “let, hinderance, or molestation”—the +viands were good, the wines exquisite and plentiful. The cloth being +removed, mirth and conviviality were the order of the day. +</p> +<p> +Confusion to soft heads and hard hearts!—Parks and pleasure ground s +without priories! were drank in bumpers with enthusiastic applause. The +merriment and hilarity of Merrywell and his fellow student crowned the +afternoon with as much pleasure and delight, as Bob conceived he could +have found under unlimited circumstances. The good humour and hospitality +of the host was manifested in the perfect satisfaction of those he +entertained; and about eight o'clock, when Rakewell began to mangle his +mother tongue, our friends, after dropping their mites into the canisters +held out for their bounty, repassed the gates, well pleased and highly +diverted with the information they had obtained, and the occurrences of +the day; and not a little exhilarated by the Bacchanalian juice. +</p> +<p> +“Well,” said Tallyho, “this is a scene of <i>Real Life</i>, which I should +judge could scarcely be equalled, and would almost induce one to wish for +an opportunity of a residence along with the Collegians.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[62]</span> “Provided always nevertheless with an +equal opportunity of leaving it when we please,” said Dashall; “and +probably we have only seen one of the best pictures it contains, for +although we have been as jolly as Sandboys, there is a large store of +misery unseen. But let us proceed. We shall soon be free from College +Rules, and a thought strikes me, that we can make a call on our road that +will afford another view of society equally amusing and refreshing. I have +often observed to you, that in order to see Life, there is no necessity to +buz about with court flies, to waste time and money in getting introduced +to the tip tops of the West, to join what are termed the fashionable +circles, and to end a fashionable career by a whereas or a whitewashing. +The true student of Real Life should occasionally mingle with all +descriptions of persons, mark the characters and their conduct; and, +believe me, there are those in the humblest situations, who enjoy +themselves in their own way with as much of heartfelt satisfaction as +those in the highest, of which, I think, I shall be able to give you a +decided proof before we reach home.” + </p> +<p> +They now pursued their way along the London Road and over Westminster +Bridge, till Tom called a halt at the door of a friend. +</p> +<p> +“Come, Bob,” said he, “here we must uncase—doff the present toggery, +and turn out in new trim for the evening.” + </p> +<p> +“What!” enquired Bob, “another masquerade?” + </p> +<p> +“No, no,” was the reply, “a temporary suspension of the dress and +character of a gentleman, in order to avoid being tormented and suspected +by the company to which I intend to introduce you.” + </p> +<p> +Finding his friend at home, they were quickly supplied with tatter'd +garments and slouch'd hats, in which they again sallied forth, and about +nine o'clock they entered a low public-house in Scotland-yard. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link3image-0003"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page062.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page62 Public House "><br> +</div> +<p> +“Fear nothing,” said Tom, as they passed the threshold; “don't be flurried +by any thing said to you, 'tis only a heavy-wet party among the +coal-heaving coves.” + </p> +<p> +As Bob entered the room, his very first action betrayed him, for, being +accustomed to genteel behaviour, he took off his hat, which was in a +moment knocked out of his hand by a hard featured fellow near him, whose +face indicated the want of water, although so near the river. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[63]</span> “Order, order,” was vociferated in an +instant by a jolly good-natured looking man exalted above the rest, who, +at the same moment, rapped the table with his knuckles—“This here +vay, gentlemen—Bill Muggins, mind you I arn't had your penny in the +plate for Backy.” + </p> +<p> +“Vy, that's a lie!” roar'd out a Stentorian voice, “I never takes my seat +before I sees my vay clear upon the board. I put a crooked ha' penny.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes, and two bad fardens vhat an't vorth nothing,” said another. “Make +him tip” cried a third, “or else stick him in the nitch."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Stick him in the nitch—Send him to Coventry. +</div> +<p> +Bob having regained his castor, followed his Cousin to the other end of +the room, and after each depositing a penny in the plate, they took their +seats at the table, where, being supplied with a flowing quart, they began +to look around them. +</p> +<p> +The first thing which struck Tallyho's eye, was “No trust,” printed in +large letters at one end of the room; a sort of indication, that a man +without money would not be likely to meet with agreeable entertainment: +then turning his head the other way, he discovered they were in a house of +call for Coal Porters. Before the president (who, by way of distinction, +had turned the broad flap of his coal-heaving hat forward in the fashion +of a huntsman's cap) was placed a small round table, on which stood a +gallon measure of heavy wet. On his right sat a worn-out workman fast +asleep, and occasionally affording his friends around him a snoring +accompaniment to a roar of laughter. +</p> +<p> +“Silence, silence! vy don't you all be more quieter when I am going to +begin?” + </p> +<p> +“Order, order, chair, chair!” now resounded from every one. +</p> +<p> +“Vell, you know its no use at all for to make me take this here chair, +because vy—I an't got no woice.” + </p> +<p> +“I knows better nor that,” said Bill Muggins, “for, by ——ven +you fell overboard the other day you roared like a rum un, and ven I +pulled you out you squeaked like a pig, so that are proves vhat you have +got two woices, and that's one more than you ought to have. Lord, Lord, if +you had but seen him and I get drunk a'ter it, you would ha' laughed—Dick +bolted blue ruin till his eyes sparkled just for all the vorld like a +vooden spoon against a soot bag.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[64]</span> A general laugh succeeded this sally, +which was accompanied by the speaker with a violent blow upon the table, +which threatened confusion to the candles, glasses, and porter-pots, with +which it was loaded. +</p> +<p> +“Veil,” continued the chairman, “you know its all my eye, I an't got no +sing in me, so if you're a mind to be friendly, vill you heave out.” + </p> +<p> +“Vy, you know Dick, for the matter o' that are, I never refuses you +nothing; nor, vhat's more, I never vont, so here goes. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Vhat a hearty blade am I, +Care ca'nt never touch my heart, +Every trouble I defy, +Vhile I views the foaming quawt. +A very good song, and very well sung; +Jolly kimpanions, every one, +Clap your hats on, keep your heads vann, +A little more liquor will do us no harm. +Blankets and pins, blankets and pins, +When a man's married his sorrow begins.” + </div> +<p> +The six last lines were repeated as a chorus, till every one appeared to +be exhausted, and was succeeded by thunders of approbation, and reiterated +cries of “Well done, Bill—go it, Bill—Bill Muggins for ever!” + and the still unabated snoring of their companion in the corner. +</p> +<p> +“Bill Muggins a'nt nothing but a good'un, Gemmen,"said the President; +“here's his health. Landlord, bring him a bolus of blue ruin. I say, Bill, +vhat shall ve say a'ter that are good song?” + </p> +<p> +“Here's bad luck and no blue ruin to bad masters, and leg o' mutton and +turnups for trumps—that's all I got to say, so here goes.” + </p> +<p> +The toast being drank, +</p> +<p> +“Who is ve to call on now, Bill?” + </p> +<p> +“Vy, Bob Martlet's the boy to come it strong.” + </p> +<p> +Bob Martlet was accordingly called upon, but requested a few minutes to +prepare himself, as he was rather hoarse. +</p> +<p> +During this interregnum, Dashall slipped out of the room, and gave the +landlord an order to place two bowls of punch on the tables, cautioning +him at the same time to say nothing of the party who paid for it, but to +say that a Gentleman, passing by the door and hearing them all merry, had +given an order for it at the bar. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[65]</span> Upon re-entering the room, Bob Martlet, +with one eye bound up and his hat in his hand, was bawling with lungs of +leather, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Lovely nymph! assuage my anguish, +At thy feet a tender swain, +Prays you will not let him languish, +One kind look would ease his pain. +Did you know the lad who courts you, +He not long need sue in vain— +Prince of song and dance—you +Scarce will meet his like again! +</div> +<p> +As this was a song to be sung in character, Bob Martlet determined to +profit by the instructions of Shakspeare, “to suit the action to the word, +and the word to the action,” and consequently at the word “dance,” he +introduced some steps to the great entertainment of the company; but +unfortunately jigging to another tune, in which all the broad brims +joined, he forgot the connexion of the words, and was compelled to sing it +over again, and to give his hornpipe by way of conclusion, which was +accompanied by the barking of a dog. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho laughed heartily at this; the grotesque appearance of the “tender +swain,” and the dance in wooden shoes, were admirable, and highly relished +by his companions. The room resounded with applauses, and it was some +moments before silence could be obtained, when, lo and behold, the +landlord entered the room as a peace-breaker with two bowls of punch. +</p> +<p> +Consternation and surprise were visible in every countenance. The +confusion of tongues could scarcely equal the enquiries made in a moment; +but the landlord, having his cue, made no reply. But there it is, will you +drink it? It is all your own—and, to set you a good example, here +goes—Success to trade!—and took a hearty swig from the bowl he +placed before the President; then, taking the other bowl to the lower end +of the room, he evaporated, but soon returned with glasses. Where he came +from or how it was obtained, was banished from consideration, and to make +more, the remnant of a pot of heavy wet was thrown into the bowl to mellow +it, as the President observed, because vy he liked things mellow. The +punch was handed about, the song and the toast passed merrily in +succession till near twelve, when an unlucky disturber of harmony, with a +candle set fire to the whisker of Phill the flue faker so called from his +<span class="pagenum">[66]</span>having in his younger days been a +chimney-sweeper. Phill, who had slept during the noise of the evening, +was, notwithstanding his former trade, not fire-proof, awoke in a flame, +and not knowing the real depredator, upset the President, and nearly +knock'd him through a window just behind him—mill'd away in all +directions, growling with as much melody as he had before snored. During +the confusion of this affray, Tom and Bob took their departure from +Charley's Crib, which they understood was a nickname given to the place, +and, throwing themselves into a rattler, soon arrived in Piccadilly, where +we shall for the present leave them to their repose. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0005"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER V +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Since Life's but a jest, let us follow the rule, +There's nothing so pleasant as playing the fool, +In town we may practise, as well as at school. + +The world turns about the same things o'er and o'er; +We fool it—our forefathers fool'd it before; +They did what we do, which our sons will encore. + +Life's but a half holiday, lent us to stare; +We wander and wonder in vanity's fair, +All, baby-like, bawling for each bawble there: + +We, children like, covet the glitter of gay things, +Make racket for ribbands, and such sort of play-things, +Which we cannot have tho'—without we can say things. + +We take, or are in all our turns, taken in; +The world to be sure—'tis a shame and a sin,— +Might soon be much better—but who will begin?” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[67]</span> “LONDON,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall to +his Cousin, “abounds with so much of munificence, that notwithstanding all +its intricacies and inconveniences, he who travels through life without +visiting it, may justly be said to know nothing; for it is all Life, its +remotest corners are full of animation, and although it is difficult to +fancy how all live, there are few but could give some satisfactory +information if they chose, though I am willing to believe many would +rather wish to avoid interrogation. We have already explored some parts of +it, but be assured there is still much to admire, much to applaud, and +much to deprecate. Our researches, after all, have been rather confined +than extensive. It is such an ever varying and never ceasing mine of +observation, that it is almost like the wishing cap of Fortunatus, with +this exception, that although every wish may be supplied, it requires +something more than putting on the cap to obtain the object desired.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[68]</span> “From what I have already seen,” replied +Tallyho, “I perfectly coincide with you in the latter part of your +observation, for I have no doubt but perseverance and integrity, with some +portion of ability, is sure to meet reward.” + </p> +<p> +“You are right,” continued Tom; “many instances could be pointed out in +proof of the justice of that remark: some of the greatest men of the +present day have rose from the lowest origin. Shop-boys and porters have +become tradesmen and merchants; shoe-blacks have become statesmen, and +servants councillors. But on the other hand, many who have been born, as +the old saying is, 'with a silver spoon in their mouths,' have 'fallen +from their high estates,' and lingered out the latter parts of their lives +in prisons or work-houses, laying the blame on fate, rather than +attributing failure to their own want of ability, prudence, or active +exertion. But come, I perceive the curricle is ready; let us take a spank +through the City, and look a little more minutely at the mercantile +world.” + </p> +<p> +This call was instantly obeyed by Tallyho, who never doubted but his +Cousin had some object in view, though he frequently started from +Piccadilly without being previously acquainted with it. +</p> +<p> +Passing out at Hyde Park Corner, Bon remarked that he thought the City lay +the other way. +</p> +<p> +“Never mind,” replied Dashall, “we shall come to the point without doubt. +Why, man, there are more ways than one, and I am not particularly partial +to being blocked up in the public streets, amidst <i>knowing jarveys and +cramp carmen</i>, sugar hogsheads, molasses, and slush carts, which is so +frequently the case, when by a slight deviation from the direct way, we +can give the tits a rattler on a good road without obstruction, and pocket +a handful of time into the bargain.” + </p> +<p> +He now turned into the road which leads directly to Vauxhall Bridge; on +arriving at which, Tallyho was much delighted with an extensive view of +the Thames. +</p> +<p> +“This,” said Dashall, “will bring us to a favourite place of amusement, +where you have already cut a conspicuous figure.” + </p> +<p> +“What do you mean?” enquired his Cousin. +</p> +<p> +“A masquerade,” replied he significantly. “Go along Bob.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[69]</span> Passing gently over the Bridge, “Do you +observe,” continued he, “that extensive building? That is called the +Penitentiary. It is a building designed for the punishment, employment, +and reformation of offenders of secondary turpitude, usually punished by +transportation for a term of years. It has been conceived since the +commencement of the disputes which terminated in the separation of the +American States. The plan of it is known to be partly that of Mr. Jeremy +Bentham. The culprits are confined in circular buildings, the windows of +which are so constructed, that the overseer from his room in the centre +may be able to view every one of their rooms. The external wall encloses +no less than eighteen acres of ground, within which are six of these +circular buildings, each capable of lodging and employing from 150 to 200 +prisoners, with a chapel, infirmary, and other conveniences. Its situation +is called Millbank.” + </p> +<p> +“It looks,” said Bob, “like a castle, or tower, of impregnable strength.” + </p> +<p> +“It is, however,” continued Tom, “a useful institution, since it +supersedes that indiscriminate transportation so long practised, and +which, as applied to definite periods, was cruel and unjust, since the +wretched objects were precluded from the power of ever returning to their +native land, however short the intended period of their banishment. This +part of the world is much improved of late years. The Bridge we are now +passing, is an admirable light and elegant structure, but recently +erected, according to the plan of Mr. J. Walker, and connects, as you +perceive, by a straight line of road with Hyde Park Corner. The road +before us leads to Newington Cross, and thence by various ways to the +City. The Bridge consists of nine arches, of equal span, in squares of +cast iron, on piers of rusticated stone formed of fragments, united by +means of Parker's cement. Its width is 809 feet, the span of the arches 78 +feet, the height 29 feet, and the clear breadth of the road way is 36 +feet. It cost above 300,000L. But we shall shortly cross another bridge, +far surpassing it in point of magnificence.” + </p> +<p> +“It is wonderful indeed,” said Bob, “that in a country complaining of a +starving population, such serious sums of money should be expended in the +erection of splendid mansions and magnificent bridges.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[70]</span> “Not at all,” was the reply, “for +perhaps it is one of the best ways of expending, as it gives employment to +thousands who would otherwise have become beggars on private charity, or +paupers on public bounty, either of which is revolting to the mind of an +Englishman: besides, if your observation applied at all, it would cut at +every improvement of the day; and you should recollect, that, whether upon +true foundations or not, every generation think the age they live in is +the most enlightened: so it may be with respect to the preceding, and +indeed, so much so, that the succeeding will rather decline than improve +upon it, but it would be difficult to convince them of the fact. It is +certain, however, that scarcely a day passes but some new invention or +improvement is offered to public notice. The perusal of the newspapers is +an evidence of my assertion; and as London is the centre of attraction, so +it is the seat of knowledge, of science and information.” + </p> +<p> +“I should judge, that if a person who had lived some two hundred years +ago, even in this wild place, were to rise up amongst us, his surprise and +astonishment would be strongly excited,” said Bob, endeavouring to draw +forth more of his observations as they bowled along the road. +</p> +<p> +“There can be no question on that subject,” said Tom, “for how would the +high ideas he entertained of the ingenuity of the age in which he had +lived, dwindle into nothing! Nay, should he appear in the country first, +what would he think of the various implements of husbandry, for ploughing, +and preparing the land; the different machines for sowing the corn, for +threshing, grinding, and dressing it; and in numerous instances (though +perhaps not quite so much now as it has been, on account of the present +agricultural distresses) he would find something else too which he might +not consider an improvement: instead of meeting the honest homely farmer, +assisting personally in the gathering in his crops, and his daughter +following the cart with a rake, he would find the former mounted on his +Prad following the hounds, and the latter at boarding school. Instead of +the farmer's son bringing home his cows of an evening, and his sister +going out to meet him at the sound of his well known voice, with her +milk-white pail, he would find the one poring over Latin and Greek, and +the other running her fingers over the chords of a harp or piano-forte.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[71]</span> “These,” said Bob, “are refinements in +manners at least.” + </p> +<p> +“Then, should he take a peep at London, as we are now doing, he would be +struck dumb with admiration. But here we are on the Waterloo Road. That +building on the right is the Coburg Theatre, so named in compliment to the +Prince of Saxe Coburg, who married the unfortunate Princess Charlotte of +Wales, the much regretted daughter of our present King. Before us is +Waterloo Bridge, which leads to the Strand, and was originally denominated +the Strand Bridge; it is acknowledged to be one of the most majestic +structures of the kind, perhaps, in the known world, and was built under +the direction of the late Mr. Rennie, to whose memory it is said a +monument is intended to be erected. The Bridge consists of nine equal +arches, and like the bridges of the ancients, is perfectly flat, which you +perceive the road we are now travelling is not, for in some instances you +may look over the wall upon another world below, as we are above the tops +of the houses. Its being level is a circumstance highly favourable to the +draught of carriages across it, and without any apparent subtraction from +its beauty. We will alight here and walk leisurely across, taking time for +remark.” + </p> +<p> +The servants now took charge of the curricle, with orders to wait at the +corner of the Strand, while our heroes, having each deposited his penny at +the toll-house, strolled forward. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho appeared delighted with the views around him: In the front, a fine +prospect of one of the finest cities in the world, and behind an equally +pleasing sight over the Surrey Hills. The day being fine, and the sun +darting his refulgent beams on the bosom of the Thames, contributed to +form, altogether, one of the most enraptured sights he had ever beheld. +The passing and repassing of boats and barges below; and carriages, +horsemen, and pedestrians, crossing the bridge, alternately attracted his +attention. +</p> +<p> +“Each arch of this bridge,” said Dashall, “is 120 feet span; the piers 20 +feet thick, with Tuscan columns; the width between the parapets 42 feet; +these footpaths are seven feet each, and the road-way is 28 feet. The cost +has been immense, and it is not likely that the original subscribers will +ever realize the capital expended.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[72]</span> At this moment the sound of music +attracted the ears of Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“What have we here?” said he, thrusting his head through the balustrades, +by which he found himself almost suffocated with smoke, which stopped +further enquiry. +</p> +<p> +“Behold,” said Tom, “another improvement of the age; that is the Richmond +Steam Boat, proceeding with a cargo of live stock to that celebrated place +of public resort, and, in spite of wind and weather, will return in the +evening. They always have a band of music on board, for the amusement of +their passengers.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds,” said Bob, “they ought to have a smoke-consumer.” + </p> +<p> +“They had one just now,” replied Tom; “for I apprehend you assisted them +in some degree, though not voluntarily.” + </p> +<p> +“You are smoking me,” said Bob. +</p> +<p> +“Never mind, you have only been puffing a cloud.” + </p> +<p> +“However, as the mist is dispelled,” said Tallyho, “and we have, a clear +sky before us again, let us make use of our senses.” + </p> +<p> +“To the right you perceive Blackfriars' Bridge, and beyond that the +Southwark Bridge. By the way, we were speaking of the alterations to be +witnessed in a country life. We will now pursue the subject, and suppose +for a moment our two-thousand-years-ago friend, after his visit among the +Swains, inclined to transfer his observations to the Great Town. The first +question would be, How shall I get there? Oh, there are plenty of night +coaches, and day coaches too, Sir. Well, then “fancy him seated in a night +coach, and having supped on the road, on resuming his corner of the +vehicle, he falls into a sound sleep. Guess what must be his surprise on +waking in the morning, to find himself in the bustle and apparent +confusion of the streets of the Metropolis. But how altered! Wide streets +and upright houses, instead of narrow lanes with houses meeting each other +at the tops. Then what elegant shops!—He would exclaim, rubbing his +eyes, 'Why, this is all a dream +</p> +<p> +“Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain!” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[73]</span> 'It cannot be reality!'—However, +he swallows a hasty breakfast, and sallies out again to look about him. +From London Bridge he espies the one I have just mentioned, the Southwark +Bridge.—'What have we here?'—'Oh, Sir, that is the cast-iron +bridge, with three arches, over the Thames.' He hastens to it, and when +upon it, what must be his astonishment, at the power of the human mind to +form, and of the human body to bring together, such immense pieces of +iron? To connect Queen Street, Cheapside, with the Kent and Surrey Roads +by three arches, the centre of which is 240 feet span, and the side ones +210 feet each, the arches all composed of cast iron, the piers and +abutments of stone. 'Zounds,' he would exclaim, 'if the race of man +dwindle in stature, they grow daily more stupendous in intellect! 'But we +will suppose, like you, with an anxiety to see all that can be seen, he +perceives a machine sailing down the river with astonishing velocity; +?Why, formerly,' said he, 'wind and tide against a vessel were +insurmountable obstacles in its passage, but now they seem to add to its +swiftness; how is this to be accounted for? '—'Easily enough,' +replies a bye-stander; 'Lord bless you, it's all done by steam. Hot water +and smoke do every thing now-a-days! Why there are a great number of +machines, which formerly required from two to forty or more horses each to +put and keep in motion, entirely worked by the steam arising from boiling +water.'—' Prodigious! Steam do all that! Astonishing!'” + </p> +<p> +“And truly,” replied Bob, “notwithstanding I have witnessed many +improvements, I confess I am astonished at the various uses to which this +discovery has already been devoted, and the extraordinary powers it +possesses. +</p> +<p> +“Well, we will pursue the train of thought a little further: Suppose, +perambulating the streets till he is quite tired, and seeing alterations +and changes out of number, he enters a Coffee House, eats a hearty meal, +and taking a glass or two of wine, he falls into a musing train of ideas +of the wonders he has been witnessing, from which he is not disturbed, +till the hoarse voice of a Charley sounds in his ear, 'Past ten o'clock, +and a cloudy night,' at which he hastily starts up, discharges his bill, +and prepares, by buttoning up close and securing his trusty stick, for (as +he would naturally expect) a dull dreary walk. He sallies out thus +equipped, and, to his utter astonishment, finds the streets as busy as in +the middle of the day, and almost as light. He steps up to one of the +lights to <span class="pagenum">[74]</span> examine it—'What can +this be? It is not oil, there is no vessel to contain it; surely this +can't be steam also! But what can it be?'—'Gas, Sir,' says a +passenger, who overhears the question, 'Gas; it is produced from coals set +on fire and confined in a furnace, the subtle vapour from which is +conveyed by means of pipes, and, light applied to it, immediately bursts +into a flame.' His astonishment would now be complete, and if he did sleep +after, it would be difficult to persuade him it was not all a dream.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“Our wise forefathers knew the worth of land, +And bank'd the Thames out with laborious hand; +From fresh encroachments bound it's restless tide +Within a spacious channel deep and wide. +With equal pains, revers'd, their grandsons make +On the same spot a little inland lake; +Where browsing sheep or grazing cattle fed, +The wondrous waters new dominion spread; +Where rows of houses stood through many a street +Now rows of ships present a little fleet. +Nay, we had made, had Nature not refus'd, +Had Father Thames not begg'd to be excus'd, +A pretty tunnel underneath his bed, +And left him running, grumbling, over head; +Had scratch'd a track out, like a grubbing mole, +Through a long, dark, and damp and dirty hole— +Like rats in sewers, had flounder'd through the mud, +Instead of sailing, duck-like, o'er the flood; +But bubbling springs chok'd up the project deep, +And trickling waters on our folly weep.” + </div> +<p> +By this time they had crossed the Bridge, and having regained the +curricle, the Hon. Tom Dashall tickled the <i>tits</i> in prime style +along the Strand, in the road to the City. Soon after passing Temple Bar, +they were attracted by a vast concourse of persons surrounding the shop of +Mr. Carlile,{1} from whence upon enquiry they learnt the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Perhaps some of the most remarkable occurrences in the +City of London have taken place at the house of Carlile. The +whole family have been tried and convicted of selling +treasonable or seditious works, and are now suffering the +sentence of the law. But, notwithstanding the combined +efforts of a powerful body, the shop is kept open, and it is +more than likely that a greater business is carried on now +than ever. In a recent Number of the Re-publican, published +by him, he makes the following observations:— + +“Since my last went to press, we have thought it prudent to +resort to stratagem to defeat the schemes of the Gang, in +taking out every new hand from the shop by a warrant. We +now sell all publications, to suspicious and unsuspicious +customers, through a hole in a part of the shop, where it is +impossible for the purchaser to identify the seller, as +there are always two or three serving in the back ground, +none of whom can be seen or heard, to be identified +individually. These persons are frequently changed, so that +even if the enemy resorted to burglary and house-breaking, +upon the strength of any warrant, the seller of any pamphlet +or pamphlets could not be identified. Where the statue of +Paine stood, we are about to caricature the defeat of Murray +and Sharpe, and make them watch the hole through which the +money and pamphlets pass, without being able to prevent it. +There are fifty stratagems by which I could give full effect +to the sale of my publications, as well as if they were +sold openly, and which would defy prosecution, as the vender +could not be identified. I dislike this mode of doing +business; I like open, fair play; and I now make a +proposition to Stoddart, Clarke, Murray, and Sharp, that I +will do every thing openly, and give them the name of every +individual in my employ from time to time, if they will +confine themselves to the professions they have made through +“Cato,” their scribe, and not arrest until a Grand Jury have +pronounced a true Bill against the individual. If they will +not accept this proposition, they shall arrest no more, and +my business shall go on just the same. I tell them, for +their comfort, that the pamphlets sold daily through the +hole, have doubled the number of those sold openly +heretofore. Public curiosity they have excited, and am +reaping the benefit. They cannot put-me down. I will put +them down. Let the result bear witness. My friend in the +enemy's camp and councils, has my thanks for his valuable +information. He will perceive that all his information and +instructions have been acted upon.” + +The previous observations of Mr. Carlile are admirably +elucidated by the following Police Report of one of the +Newspapers: + +The Bridge-street Association.—After a cessation of +hostilities for two or three days, Mr. Secretary Murray, and +the forces of the Bridge Street Association under his +command, re-assembled at this Justice-room [Guildhall] on +Saturday. + +Mr. Honorary Secretary Sharp was also in attendance, and +remained in the public room with the Yeomen, while the Co- +Secretary was indulged with a private interview with the +Magistrate, Mr. Alderman Birch, in the parlour. Mr. Newman, +the City Solicitor, was also called into council, and +remained iu consultation with Secretary Murray some time; +there was much marching and countermarching in and out of +the office on the part of the Secretary and the Yeomen, but +no public application on the part of the Association was +made to the Alderman, and it was understood that there was +much difficulty in determining the manner of renewing, with +any prospect of success, the attacks upon the inmates of +“The Temple of Reason.” + +The difficulty, it seems, arose from the new mode of defence +adopted by the besieged. The little parlour which +adjoins the shop has been converted into a citadel, the +glass partition which separates them is closely blinded, and +the operations carried on in ambush behind it; two of the +squares of glass have been taken out, and in the place of +one of them is erected a box with an aperture for the +receipt of money, over which is an inscription, “Put your +money in here;” and in the other, a contrivance by which the +pamphlet wanted is slid down to the purchaser from the +inside of the citadel. This machinery, however, is used only +for the sale of such works as have already been made the +object of prosecution. The seller is invisible, and the +identification of his person rendered impracticable, unless +the citadel be taken by storm. Little Waddington, heretofore +the Radical standard-bearer, whose own experience has +procured for him an extensive acquaintance with the persons +of officers and informers, has assumed the command, and +conducts the operations in the front shop, where the sale of +such of Carlile's publications as have not as yet come under +the censure of the law, is carried on as usual. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[76]</span> officers of the Police had just taken +one of the shopmen in custody, for vending an alleged seditious or +treasonable publication, upon the information of a Yeoman in the pay of +the Bridge Street Gang. The crowd of persons induced our friends to make a +little further enquiry into the cause, who were soon informed, that in +consequence of the repeated attempts to stop the issue of books and +pamphlets sold, at what is denominated the Temple of Reason, a part of the +shop had been boarded off, so as completely to screen the venders of any +publication from the eye of the purchaser, and by this means to render +abortive all future attempts to identify any supposed offender. +</p> +<p> +“Why,” said Dashall, “it is an old saying, and I believe a very true one, +If you tread upon a worm it will turn. Such appears to be exemplified in +the case of this man. You have also heard me remark, that in London it +signifies little by what means a man obtains popularity, and here is a +case exactly in point. An extensive body of rich men have combined their +efforts to crush an individual of little importance in the world, and who +perhaps would before this have been forgotten, but for their indiscreet +interference with his pursuits. They are now not only foiled in their +endeavours to obtain fresh exercise for their Yeomen, and more work for +their Lawyers, but, in consequence of their determined opposition, the +world is likely to be deluged with every obnoxious publication, without +any chance of detecting the sellers.” + </p> +<p> +“It is a curious manouvre,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Yes, and it appears to have the desired effect with the Carliles and +their adherents. They carry on the war in ambuscade, and are selling, +without fear, books and <span class="pagenum">[77]</span> pamphlets, of +which but for the <i>Constitutional Committee</i>, as they call +themselves, perhaps half the world would have known nothing. Such, +however, is frequently the effect of intemperate zeal, and these Gentlemen +have blown into notoriety that which they intended to suppress, whether +upon the substantial grounds of reason or propriety, I leave others to +decide.” + </p> +<p> +Becoming now entangled in a double row of carriages, with little prospect +of making further progress for some time, our friends resigned the +curricle to the care of the servant, and proceeded on foot to the City +Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, for refreshment.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 When the City Coffee House was first opened, Dr. Johnson +frequently called there, and one morning observing a large +book upon the table, took it up, and after inspecting the +outside with great attention, he found it to be Minshew's +Dictionary of Twelve Languages; upon which he turned round +to the master of the house and asked him, “What use he could +have for such a book?” “To amuse literary Gentlemen,” was +the reply. “Do you under-stand any of these languages?” “I +find it a very difficult task, Sir, to understand my own, +and I am not possessed of the erudition of a Johnson.” The +Doctor looked at him stedfastly and replied, “Sir, you are a +very impudent fellow.” “Sir, I am sorry you think so,” + replied the proprietor, “and I hope we shall both of us mend +our manners.” On this the Doctor drank his chocolate, and +marched out of the house. +</div> +<p> +This Coffee House is much resorted to, and, in point of comfortable +accommodation, is perhaps not surpassed by any in London. +</p> +<p> +Having regaled themselves, and looked over the leading papers of the day, +they proceeded to inspect the interior of that noble edifice, the pride of +the British empire, St. Paul's Cathedral. +</p> +<p> +“According to vulgar tradition,” said Dashall, “this church occupies the +site of a Roman temple, which was consecrated to Diana; but the son of Sir +Christopher Wren, in his Parentalia, controverts this opinion, and +contends, that the first cathedral of the Episcopal see of London was +built in the area, the seat of the Roman Prætorian camp, the precise spot +on which the present church stands. It is supposed to have been destroyed +in the general persecution under the emperor Dioclesian, to have been +re-edified under Constantine, to have been demolished by the Pagan Saxons, +and to have been restored in the seventh century, when the Saxons embraced +<span class="pagenum">[78]</span> Christianity. From this period it has +been four times rebuilt, and at the great fire of London was totally +destroyed.” + </p> +<p> +These remarks premised by Dashall for the information of his friend, they +proceeded to view the several statues and funeral monuments, displayed +with uniformity and executed with considerable taste, by which the +interior of the church has been much improved in appearance.{1} +</p> +<p> +After having examined these stately and expressive mementos of mortality, +the two visitors were asked by their attendant, whether they would pass to +the stone and iron galleries outside of the church; but this, having so +lately enjoyed the extensive prospect from the Monument, they declined, +and proceeded at once to the Library, the first object to be seen in the +ascent. +</p> +<p> +Our two visitors were very much pleased with this handsome room, which in +its dimensions is about fifty feet by forty, having shelves of books to +the top, with a gallery +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The statues of Dr. Johnson, and Howard the philanthropist, +both executed by the late Mr. Bacon, were opened for public +inspection in 1796. That of Dr. Johnson represents a moral +philosopher, with the attitude and expression of intense +thought, leaning against a column, indicative of the +firmness of mind and stability of principles of the man whom +it is intended to commemorate. + +The statue of Howard, in which the character of active +benevolence is well expressed, stands upon a pedestal of +white marble, on which is a group of bas-relief, +representing a scene in a prison, where the philanthropist, +having broken the chains of the prisoners, is bringing +provision and clothing for their relief. + +The statue of Sir William Jones, a man well known for his +extensive and multifarious erudition, whose study it was to +make the British name honoured and revered amongst the +nations of the East, is also the work of Bacon, and was +erected by the East India Company. + +Amongst the monuments lately raised in commemoration of de- +parted worth, is that of Nelson, and in design and execution +it is not exceeded by any in the Cathedral. + +In the open part of the Cathedral, the stranger will be +struck with the appearance of numerous tattered flags, the +trophies of British valour. Those over the aisle leading +from the western door, were taken in part during the +American War, and the rest by the Duke of York at +Valenciennes. Those on both sides near the north door, were +reprisals made from the French by Lord Howe, on the 1st of +June, 1794; opposite to which, on the right hand, are the +flags taken from the Spaniards by Lord Nelson, in 1797; and +on the left are those taken from the Dutch by Lord Duncan, +at Camperdown, and by Lord Keith at the Cape of Good Hope. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[79]</span>running along the sides. The floor is of +oak, consisting of 2376 small square pieces, and is not only curious for +its being inlaid, without a nail or a peg to fasten the parts, but is very +neat in the workmanship, and beautiful in its appearance. The principal +things pointed out to a stranger, are several carved stone pillars, some +Latin manuscripts, written by Monks 800 years ago, and an English +manuscript illuminated, containing rules for the government of a convent, +written in old English, about 500 years since, all in fine preservation. +</p> +<p> +The clock-work and the great bell were the next curiosities that attracted +the attention of our visitants. On the latter, weighing 11,470lbs. the +hammer of the clock strikes the hours. It was now noon, and the ponderous +hammer put itself into motion, and slowly, yet with astounding impetus, +struck the bell, and the reverberation tingled on the auricular organs of +the two strangers with painful and stunning effect throughout the long +protracted intimation of the hour; nor was it until a considerable time +had elapsed, that their hearing recovered from the clanging agitation.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This bell is never tolled but upon the death of some of +the Royal Family, of the Bishop of London, or of the Dean of +St. Paul's, and then the clapper is moved and not the bell. +In the stillness of night, the indication of the hour by the +deeply sonorous tone of this bell may be heard, not merely +over the immense Metropolis, but in distant parts of the +country. The fact is well known of the sentry at Windsor, +who, when accused of having been asleep one night on his +post, denied the charge, saying, “That he had been listening +to St. Paul's in London, which had just struck thirteen!” + And this assertion was, upon enquiry, satisfactorily +corroborated. +</div> +<p> +They were now ushered into the <i>Whispering Gallery</i>, which is +constructed on the very simple principle of an unbroken communication. It +is 140 yards in circumference, and a stone seat runs round the gallery +along the foot of the wall. On the side directly opposite to the entrance +door, Dashall and his friend seated themselves, when the person who shewed +the gallery whispered close to the door, at the distance of 140 feet, and +yet they heard his voice seemingly at their ear. The shutting of the door +resembled a clap of thunder. From this gallery, round the inner circle of +which is an iron balustrade, the marble pavement of the church exhibits a +beautiful appearance, and the paintings of the dome, which have <span +class="pagenum">[80]</span> greatly suffered by time, are thence seen to +the greatest advantage. +</p> +<p> +The ascent to the ball is attended by some difficulty, and is not +encountered by many. Our two visitants therefore declined its inspection. +The interior diameter of the ball is six feet two inches, and will contain +twelve persons.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A new ball and cross have lately replaced the former, of +similar dimensions. The erection of the scaffolding, and +subsequent proceedings of the workmen, at so fearful a +height from the “haunts of men,” excited a very general +interest, more particularly so on the recent happy +accomplishment of the undertaking, when the in-trepid +aeronauts cheered the admiring multitude far beneath, and, +seated in the clouds like the deities of Mount Olympus, +drank to the prosperity of their friends in the nether +regions. +</div> +<p> +The best view of the metropolis is obtained, in a clear day, from the +gallery at the foot of the lantern. The diminutive appearance of the +passengers and other objects beneath is extremely amusing, and resembles +the Elfin Panorama of the capital of Lilliput. +</p> +<p> +The calm serenity of the interior, the awful grandeur of the structure +itself, and the reflections arising from the contemplation of monuments +erected to the memory of departed worth, with the splendid achievements of +heroic minds, formed a strange contrast to the scene which presented +itself to their view on leaving this magnificent pile. The hurry, bustle, +and confusion of the street, the noisy vociferations of coachmen, carmen, +&c. burst upon their senses at a moment when the mind had been soothed +by reflection, and the eye gratified with a sight which led imagination +into futurity, before which the past and the present had appeared to +evaporate. The Hon. Tom Dashall, however, was quickly recalled by +observing his curricle so completely hemmed in between contending parties +to obtain liberation at the corner of Paul's chain, as to afford but +little chance of escape from its intricate situation for some time. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds,” said Tom, “we had better return and take a seat among the +worthies within, for I have no idea of mounting the curricle, to sit and +be quizzed.” + </p> +<p> +“Any chance,” said Bob, “is better than that; but at all events your man +is able to take care of the carriage and cattle, and we are competent to +the care of ourselves.” + </p> +<p> +“Well hinted,” replied Tom, “and it shall be acted upon.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[81]</span> Thus saying, he made his way through the +throng, and gave orders for the curricle to proceed home as soon as it +could be extricated from its present confinement. Then returning to his +Cousin, +</p> +<p> +“It is not the first time I have been disappointed; I had made up my mind +to proceed much farther; but the very scenes we have been inspecting are +proofs of the inability of man to perform all his wishes, although +equally' a proof of the splendid talents and determined valour of our +renowned and deservedly remembered countrymen, and are well calculated to +inspire us with patience, fortitude, and forbearance. At the other door we +can escape from the bustle of this side; and perhaps the best thing we can +do under existing circumstances, will be to speed homewards, and after +dinner relax a little from our toils, in order to recruit for further +activity.” + </p> +<p> +“Have with you,” said Bob; “we have enjoyed the first part of the day on a +variety of interesting subjects, and after a cheerful and refreshing ride, +have at last arrived at the threshold of eternity. We may as well escape +for this time if we can, and cheat the grim tyrant of mankind. Although +our ride has been a long one, our walk back is but short, so let us lose +no time.” + </p> +<p> +In accordance with this recommendation, he caught hold of Dashall's arm, +proceeded through the Cathedral, and arrived at Piccadilly without any +thing remarkable or particular to record, where we shall for the present +leave them to their enjoyments among the able writers with which Tom's +bookcase was well stored. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0006"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER VI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Hail! venerable pile! with awe I tread +The sacred mansion of th' illustrious dead! +Where rise, o'er forms now mould'ring into dust, +The “storied urn” and “animated West.”— +Beneath the fretted dome, aspiring high, +Here monarchs, heroes, poets, sages, lie! +“Deaf the prais'd ear, and mute the tuneful tongue,” + Here sleeps the bard with those whom erst he sung; +And all consigned to one impartial doom, +Lo! kings and subjects levelled in the tomb! +</div> +<p> +IN a perambulation westward, our friends shortly reached the precinct of +Westminster Abbey, or the collegiate Church of Saint Peter; the most +ancient religious structure in the metropolis. +</p> +<p> +Divested of fabulous narration, its history is briefly as follows. Its +name is obviously derived from its situation, in the west, and from its +original destination as the church of a monastery. It was founded by +Sebert, king of the East Saxons; was destroyed afterwards by the Danes; +was subsequently re-built by king Edgar in 958; the church was again +re-built by Edward the Confessor in 1065; and by Pope Nicholas II. it was +constituted a place of inauguration of the English Monarchs. Henry III. +re-built it from the ground, and Henry VII. added a magnificent chapel at +the east end of it. The monastery was surrendered by the abbot and monks +to Henry VIII. who first converted it into a college of secular canons, +and afterwards into a cathedral, of which the county of Middlesex was the +see. His successor, Edward VI. dissolved the see, and restored the +college, which was again converted by Mary into an abbey. That institution +was dissolved by Elizabeth in 1560; she founded the present establishment, +which is a college consisting of a dean, 12 secular canons, and 30 petty +canons; to which is attached a school of 40 boys, denominated the Queen's +or King's scholars, with a master and usher; and also twelve alms-men, an +organist, and choristers. +</p> +<p> +Its greatest length is 489 feet; the breadth of the west front 66 feet; +the length of the cross aisle 189 feet; and the height of the roof 92 +feet; the west end is adorned with two towers, which were built by Sir +Christopher Wren. The nave and cross aisles are supported by two rows of +arches, of Sussex marble, one above the other, each of the pillars of +which is a union of one massy round pillar, and tour others of a similar +form, but slender. These aisles are lofty, and each of the small pillars +being extended from the base to the roof, they produce an idea at once +sublime and awful. Besides the cross aisle there are two side aisles, +which are lower than the nave; and, being in a just proportion, they unite +with the other parts of the edifice to produce a harmonious effect. The +choir, from which there is an ascent by several steps to a magnificent +altar-piece of white marble, is divided from the western part of the great +aisle by two iron gates, and is perhaps the most beautiful choir in +Europe: its roof was materially injured by fire, occasioned by the +carelessness of the plumbers who were repairing it in 1803, but it has +since been completely restored, at an expence of upwards of £4000. In this +choir is performed the coronation of the Kings and Queens of England. +</p> +<p> +This succinct account will not prove unacceptable, we hope, to our +readers. +</p> +<p> +The attractive spot at the southern extremity of the cross aisle was now +entered by the two friends. “This,” said Dashall, “is called Poet's +Corner, and never could a place be named with more propriety.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho cast an eye of intense observation on these sacred records of +departed excellence. Here he found the names of Chaucer, Spenser, +Shakespeare, Johnson, Milton, Dryden, Butler, Thomson, Gay, Goldsmith, +&c. There also, as though the spot were dedicated to genius of the +highest rank, are the tombs of Handel and Garrick. The Squire in his +admiration of the British Poets, now gave full scope to the ardency of his +feelings, and surrounded by the sculptured images of the bards of former +days, he seemed as if environed by a re-animated constellation of genius, +and wrapt in the delirium of its inspiritive influence. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[84]</span> Westminster Abbey contains a great +number of monuments of kings, statesmen, heroes, poets, and persons +distinguished by genius, learning, and science; but many of these +monuments can be regarded as little better than so many disfigurements of +the buildings. Some however are to be spoken of with praise, and the best +are the productions of Reubilliac and Bacon. +</p> +<p> +The curiosities of Westminster Abbey consist chiefly of twelve chapels, +the principal of which were visited by Dashall and his cousin; but to the +chapel of Henry VII. their chief attention was directed. This chapel is +contiguous to the eastern extremity of the church, and opens into it: it +is dedicated to the Virgin Mary, and is one of the finest specimens of +Gothic antiquity in the world. On its site formerly stood a chapel +dedicated to the Virgin Mary, and also a tavern, distinguished by the sign +of the White Rose: Henry resolving to erect a superb mausoleum for himself +and his family, pulled down the old chapel and tavern, and on the 11th of +February in the year 1503, the first stone of the new structure was laid +by Abbot Islip, at the King's command. It cost £14,000, an immense sum for +that period, particularly considering the rapacious temper of the king. +The exterior of the chapel is distinguished by the richness and variety of +its form, occasioned chiefly by 14 towers, elegantly proportioned to the +body of the edifice, and projecting in different angles from the +outer-most wall: the inside is approached by the area at the back of the +chapels of Edward the Confessor and Henry v. The floor of this chapel is +elevated above that of the area, and the ascent is by a flight of marble +steps: the entrance is ornamented with a handsome gothic portico of stone, +within which are three large gates of gilt brass, of curious open +workmanship, every pannel being enriched with a rose and a portcullis +alternately. The chapel consists of the nave and two small aisles: the +centre is 99 feet in length, 66 in breadth, and 54 in height, terminating +at the east in a curve, and having five deep recesses of a similar form: +the entrance to these recesses is by open arches, and they add greatly to +the relief and beauty of the building: it is not improbable that they were +originally so many smaller chapels, destined to various uses. The side +aisles are in a just proportion to the centre, with which they communicate +by four arches, turned on gothic pillars; each of them is relieved by four +recesses, a window, with minute and curious <span class="pagenum">[85]</span>divisions, +running the whole height of each recess. The upper part of the nave has +four windows on each side, and ten in the eastern extremity, five above +and five below. The whole of the roof of the chapel, including the side +aisles and the curve at the end, is of wrought stone, in the gothic style, +and of exquisite beauty. An altar-tomb erected by Henry, at the cost of +£1000, to receive his last remains, stands in the centre of the chapel. It +is of basaltic stone, ornamented and surrounded with a magnificent railing +of gilt brass. This monument was constructed by Peter Torregiano, a +Florentine artist, and possesses extraordinary merit. Six devices in +bas-relief, and four statues, all of gilt brass, adorn the tomb. +</p> +<p> +In addition to these venerable antiquities, which all deserve to be seen, +a variety of figures in wax, and in cases with glazed doors, are shewn as +curiosities to the stranger; but they ought to be removed, as disgraceful +to the grandeur and solemnity of the other parts of the scene, and as a +satire on the national taste, which can scarcely be excused, when such +things are exhibited in a room for children's amusement. +</p> +<p> +Every lover of the arts must lament that this beautiful relic of gothic +taste is falling rapidly to decay; notwithstanding, within the last +twenty-four years, the Dean and Chapter of Westminster have expended the +sum of £28,749 in general repairs of the abbey. Parliament, however, has +at last granted the requisite aid, and the sum of £20,000 has been voted +to commence the repairs, which are now going on. It has been estimated +that the necessary repairs of Henry the VIIth's chapel will cost about +£14,800 and the ornamental repairs about £10,400. +</p> +<p> +The prospect from the western tower of the abbey is more beautiful and +picturesque, though less extensive, than that from St. Paul's. The west +end of the town and its environs, the Banquetting-house at Whitehall, St. +James's park, the gardens of the Queen's palace, the extremity of +Piccadilly and Hyde-park, with the Serpentine River, and the distant +groves of Kensington Gardens, present a varied and magnificent view +towards the west. On the other hand, the bridges of Westminster, Waterloo, +and Blackfriars, with the broad expanse of the Thames, and Somerset-house +on its banks, and St. Paul's towering pile, together with the light Gothic +steeple of St. Dunstan's in the East, present a most noble and <span +class="pagenum">[86]</span> interesting prospect. From this tower the +exterior form of St. Paul's, when the sun falls upon it, is distinctly +seen, and here its exquisite beauty will be more fully comprehended than +in any part of the city, for a sufficient area to take in the entire +outline is not to be found there. +</p> +<p> +This prolixity of description will not, we presume, be considered by our +readers, as a tedious digression from the main subject.—<i>Real Life +in London</i> cannot be better elucidated, than by uniting incident with +appropriate anecdote, and amidst the perambulations of our respectable +associates, which led them to the ancient and interesting edifice of +Westminster Abbey, it necessarily followed that we should illustrate the +subject, by a brief, yet accurate and interesting account of the +antiquity, et cetera, of the object under consideration. +</p> +<p> +Having gratified their wishes by a cursory inspection of what their guides +were pleased to denominate “Curiosities,” our two heroes were on the eve +of departure from the Abbey, when Bob begged that the guide would repeat +the terms of admission to view these repositories of mortality. +</p> +<p> +“The tombs,” said the conductor, “at the east end of the church, with the +chapel of Henry VIIth, the price of admission to view these, sir, is +six-pence; the models three-pence; the tombs at the northern part of the +cross aisle three-pence; and the west end and tower of the abbey +six-pence.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho expressed his surprise that the house of God and the depository of +the dead, should be so shamefully assigned over to the influence of +Mammon, and a price of admission as into a place of public amusement, +exacted by those to whose mercenary government the ancient structure of +Westminster Abbey had devolved. “Was it thus, always,” asked he, “from the +time of Henry IIId?” To this enquiry, the guide replied merely by a shrug +of his shoulders, rather indicative of contempt than otherways, and to a +further question of “Who is the receiver general of these exactions, and +to what purpose are they applied?” he preserved a sullen taciturnity. +</p> +<p> +From the south aisle of the abbey there are two entrances into the +cloisters, which are entire, and consist of four arched walks on the sides +of an open quadrangle. There are many monuments in these walks, but four +of them, beneath which are the remains of four of the abbots <span +class="pagenum">[87]</span>of Westminster, at the east end of the south +walk, are all which merit particular attention.— +</p> +<p> +Amongst the ancient records deposited here, the two friends were gratified +with a sight of those of the Court of Star-chamber, and of the original +Domesday-book, which is still as legible as the first hour it was written. +</p> +<p> +Against the south-west part of the west front of the abbey, is the north +front of the Jerusalem chamber, remarkable for being the place where king +Henry IV. breathed his last.{1} +</p> +<p> +North from the abbey stood the Sanctuary, the place of refuge allowed in +old times, to criminals of a certain description; and, on the south side, +was the eleemosynary or almonry, where the alms of the abbot were +distributed.—This place is remarkable for being the spot in which +the first printing-press ever used in England was set up; and here, in +1474, Caxton printed the Game and Play of Chesse, the first book ever +printed in England.—A new Court House is now built on the site of +the sanctuary. +</p> +<p> +Having seen in the Abbey every curiosity of note, its two visitants +directed their course into Westminster Hall, the great national seat of +justice.—This together with the House of Lords, and the House of +Commons, are the remains of the palace of Westminster, built by Edward the +Confessor, the situation of which was close to the river Thames, and the +stairs leading from it still retain the name of palace stairs. The hall +itself is the largest room in Europe, except the theatre at Oxford, +unsupported by columns. It is 275 feet in length, 74 in breadth, and 90 in +height, the roof being of oak, of curious gothic architecture. It was +originally used as a place of festivity, and Richard IId entertained +10,000 guests within its walls. In this hall Charles I.. was tried and +condemned; and at present it is occasionally fitted up for the trial of +peers or of any person impeached by the Commons. +</p> +<p> +Our heroes now relinquishing the contemplation of the olden times for the +enjoyment of the passing scenes of the modern, turned their steps in the +direction of Whitehall; passing through which, and facing the +Banquetting-House,{2} their observation was attracted to a gentleman on +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 See Shakespeare's Play of Henry IV. Part II. + +2 In front of the Banquetting House, on a scaffold, Charles +I. was beheaded on the 30th of January, 1648;—His Majesty +passed from the Banquetting House to the scaffold through +one of the windows. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[88]</span>horseback, followed by a number of +people, by whom he was frequently and warmly cheered; and <i>en passant</i> +was recognized with other popular feeling of regard and respect. Dashall +stept forward to reconnoitre, and ascertained that the favourite was no +other than the worthy representative of the borough of Southwark, Sir +Robert Wilson, Knt. lately deprived of his rank as a General, “for,” + continued Dashall, “nobody knows what, unless the enormous crime of paying +his last tribute of respect to the memory of an “injured Queen;” and +endeavouring, in the temperate language of remonstrance, to prevent the +effusion of human blood! His character however, is too firmly rooted to +sustain injury from the breath of slander; and the malignity of his +enemies has recoiled on themselves: thanks to a brave, just, and generous +people, who are ever prone to save whom persecution aims to destroy.” + </p> +<p> +Dashall seemed warm in defending the cause of this gallant officer, and +the Squire listened with correspondent satisfaction. +</p> +<p> +“The allied Sovereigns,” observed Dashall, “in General Sir Robert Wilson, +found all the essential requisites of a good soldier: of skill to plan, +and of valour to execute. They were chiefly indebted to his judgment and +intrepidity for the victory of Leipsic; to which ample testimony was given +by the Emperors of Russia and Austria; the latter of whom, during the +intensity and perils of the engagement, he extricated from the imminent +hazard of captivity. His services have not been of less importance in the +armies of his own country, as acknowledged by the Commander in Chief, who +has now rewarded him by recommending his dismissal, at the instance, no +doubt, of Ministers; anxious by this procedure to annihilate his +independent feelings, and render them more subservient to the doctrine of +non-resistance and of passive obedience to the existing authorities!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This object is already defeated.—Amongst all classes Sir +Robert Wilson's dismissal has excited strong feelings of +reprobation. Certainly, whatsoever other name may be given +to the act, it cannot be called a just one, to degrade an +honourable man from his rank, and deprive him of the half +pay (which in a great measure accrued to him from purchase,) +without accusation, arbitrarily, and on secret and suborned +information of having; merited the inflicted contumely. But +futile has been the effort of malevolence; Sir Robert +Wilson's half pay was £460 per annum, and the subscriptions +in indemnification of his loss already exceed £10,000. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[89]</span>Pursuing their course along the Strand, +and ruminating on the alarming increase of juvenile depravity, Tallyho +could not avoid remarking on the numerous temptations held out to the +vicious and necessitous in this wide-spreading and wealthy metropolis—“For +instance,” making a full halt, with his friend, against the spacious and +unlatticed window of a jeweller's shop, Dashall admitted the truth of his +companion's observation. Here on promiscuous display were seen most +valuable articles of jewelry, stretching multitudinously from one +extremity to the other of the window, consisting of gold and silver +watches, elegant and richly wrought seals, musical snuff-boxes, diamond +rings, diamond pins, &c. embracing, in vast variety, a property of +immense value, divided from the street by “thin and undefended squares of +glass only; and that the lure might prove still more attractive, each +article marked at its price, some 25, some 50, 75, 100, and 200 guineas +each! A dash and a grab might secure to the depredator possession of +wealth; and while such temptations are held out, the surprise is, not that +so many street robberies are, but that a great many more are not +committed. The many thousands in London out of employment, and of these +perhaps the greatest number unhoused and famishing, would it be much to be +wondered at if some of these sons of misery, goaded onwards to crime by +the extremity of human suffering, were to attempt the possession of spoil, +so carelessly exposed, and apparently so easily obtainable?{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Lord Mansfield once presided as Judge, when an unfortunate +man was tried for stealing an article of jewellery from a +shop-window, exposed by its unguarded state to depredation, +and more encouraging than otherwise, the hope of success.— +It proved differently, and the prosecutor seeming determined +to proceed against the wretched man, even to capital +punishment, Lord Mansfield, indignant at the severity of the +owner of the trinket, and compassionating the state of +misery and destitution, under the influence of which the +poor prisoner at the bar, stimulated too by its careless +exposure, had committed the felony, desired the Jury to +value the trinket in question at ten pence.—The prosecutor +started up in surprise, and exclaimed, “Tenpence, my Lord! +why the very fashion of it cost me ten times the sum!” “That +may be,” returned his Lordship, “but we must not hang a man +for fashion's sake!” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[90]</span>"Here conies silly Tom and staggering +Bob,” exclaimed a fellow, as he approached towards our pedestrians. +Tallyho had grasped more firmly his oaken sprig, with the intention of +trying the crankness of the observer's pericranium, when Dashall perceived +that the obnoxious remark was directed to a simple looking old man, +dejectedly leading a horse “done up,” and apparently destined for the +slaughter-house. +</p> +<p> +“Where now, Tommy,” continued the querist, “with thy decayed bit of +blood?” + </p> +<p> +“Aye, aye,” answered Tommy, despondingly, “even to the naggers,{1}—'tis +what we must all come to.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A Naggerman is a wholesale horse-butcher! his business is +frequently so extensive as to enable him to employ a vast +many hands, and so lucrative as to ensure him a fortune in a +very few years; the carcases are sold to the dealers by whom +they are cut up, and sold in quarters to the retailers, and +purchased by the street venders; these latter form one of +the prominent itinerant avocations, and supply with food all +the dogs and cats of the metropolis! +</div> +<p> +“And so thy master has passed the doom of death against his old servant +Bob, on whose back he has been safely borne, in the chase, “many a time +and oft,” as the song says, “o'er hedges, gaps, ditches and gates; and +fleet of foot as thou wert,” patting the animal with feelings of +commiseration,” and often as thou hast replenished thy master's purse, +thou art now going to the slaughter-house!” + </p> +<p> +“Even so—the faithful servant, now no longer useful, is discarded.” + </p> +<p> +“And put to death!—Why man, thy master is a d——d +unfeeling, ungrateful scoundrel, else he would have turned this poor nag +at large on the green sward, to roam as he list in summer, with a warm +stable in winter, and have left him to die the death of nature.” + </p> +<p> +An assemblage of passengers had now collected round the doom'd horse and +his sympathizing friend, whose vehemence of expression had attracted much +attention. The feelings of his auditory were in full unison with his own, +and as the throng increased, with inquisitive curiosity, the advocate in +the cause of humanity repeated the following lines: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“And hast thou doom'd my death, sweet master, say, +And wilt thou kill thy servant, old and poor? +A little longer let me live, I pray; +A little longer hobble round thy door!” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[91]</span>The spectators were evidently affected. +He next sung the stanza of an old song, extemporaneously produced (with +the exception of the first two lines) +</p> +<div class='pre'> +At last having labored, drudg'd early and late, +Bow'd down by degrees he draws on to his fate: +His blood must the Naggerman's sluicing knife spill; +His carcase the Naggerman's slaughter-house fill! +Now led to his doom, while with pity we view +Poor Bob, may mishap still his master pursue; +Who callously spurning humanity's bounds, +Now sells his old servant as food for the hounds. +</div> +<p> +The Squire having occasion to call at a banker's in Fleet Street, the two +friends entered at the moment when a countryman with a most rueful +expression of countenance, stood transfixed to the floor, like the statue +of Despair, incapable either of speech or motion. After an absorption of +mental faculty of several minutes duration, he burst out into the +incoherent exclamations of +</p> +<p> +“Murrian take un, zay I!—Icod, I'ze in a voine pickle! I ha brought +my pigs to market wi a vengeance! O luord! O luord! whoa would ha thought +en't?” + </p> +<p> +He then began exercising his feet by stamping each alternately on the +floor, with a violence that shook the room to its foundation; and this +vehement thunder he accompanied by correspondent energy of gesticulation; +distorting his visage, and casting about his arms with the action of an +infuriated maniac. The place was thrown into alarm, and business was +suspended. Dashall now addressing himself to the presumed lunatic, begged +him to compose himself, and endeavour briefly to state what had happened, +that if he had sustained an injury, redress might be obtained. +</p> +<p> +After several fruitless attempts at narration, he at length told his +story; and that it may lose nothing of its originality, we shall give it +in the first person. +</p> +<p> +“I'ze cuom zur, frae Zumersetzshire to Lunnon, first time o' my loife, by +coach, where it putt en at a pleace called the two Gooses necks, and zo +having a cheque on this house for Fifty Pounds, and not knowing the way, I +axed a vera civil gentleman whom I met wi' hovering about Inn-yard; and +telling him my business, Pze go with you, zaid he, vera kindly, and help +thee to take care o! thy money, vor there be a desperate set o' sharp +fellows in Lunnon ready to take every advantage of a stranger; <span +class="pagenum">[92]</span> and zoa we came along, and just avore we +gotten into house here, he said to I, zays he, I'ze take thy money and zee +that all's right, vor there be a vast many bad sovereigns about.—Well, +zur, zoa he did; and just as I wur looking about, it seems he had taen +himself off wi'the money, vor when I looked round he wur no where to be +zeen; and zoa zur, I have lost Fifty good Pounds to my sorrow. Who would +ha thought it!—I wish the murrian had ha hold on me avore I had come +to this wicked world o' Lunnon!” + </p> +<p> +Here the countryman concluded his narrative, exciting the amusement of +some and the sympathy of others of his auditory.—The banker +dispatched one of his clerks with the unlucky wight to one of the Public +Offices, for the purpose of describing the depredator, altho' with very +small chance of recovering the property.{1} +</p> +<p> +Eliminating on the folly of this credulous countryman, our perambulators +now proceeded down Fleet Street, where casting a look into Bolt Court—“Here,” + said Dashall, “lived and died the colossus of English literature, Doctor +Samuel Johnson,{2} a man whose like the world may +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 In all the Coach and Waggon yards in London there are +fellows loitering about with the view of plunder; they +frequently are taken by the unwary countryman, for domestics +of the Inn, and as such are entrusted with property with +which they immediately decamp, and by many other artful +manouvres secure their spoil. + +2 The most trivial circumstance in the life of a great man, +carries with it a certain somewhat of importance, infinitely +more agreeable to the generality of readers than the long +details which history usually presents. Amongst the numerous +anecdotes of Doctor Johnson, perhaps the following is not +the least amusing.—When the Doctor first became acquainted +with David Mallet, they once went, with some other +gentlemen, to laugh away an hour at South-wark-fair. At one +of the booths where wild beasts were exhibited to the +wondering crowd, was a very large bear, which the showman +assured them was “cotched” in the undiscovered deserts of +the remotest Russia. The bear was muzzled, and might +therefore be approached with safety; but to all the company, +except Johnson, was very surly and ill tempered. Of the +philosopher he appeared extremely fond, rubbed against him, +and displayed every mark of awkward partiality, and ursine +kindness. “How is it, (said one of the company,) that; this +savage animal is so attached to Mr. Johnson?” From a very +natural cause, replied Mallet: “the bear is a Russian +philosopher, and he knows that Linnæus would have placed him +in the same class with the English moralist. They are two +barbarous animals of one species.”—Johnson disliked Mallet +for his tendency to infidelity, and this sarcasm turned his +dislike into downright hatred. He never spoke to him +afterwards, but has gibbeted him in his octavo dictionary, +under the article “Alias.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[93]</span>perhaps never see again; yet with all his +vast erudition he had his prejudices and superstitions; he believed in +apparitions, and he despised all countries save his own.—The Scotch +and Irish he affected particularly to dislike.—In his poem of +“London,” in imitation of Juvenal, he says,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +For who unbrib'd would leave Hibernia's land, +Or change the rocks of Scotland for the Strand?— +There none are swept by sudden death away, +But all whom Hunger spares, with age decay! +</div> +<p> +But, with all his foibles, (and who is there without human infirmity?) +Doctor Samuel Johnson was the most highly talented writer of any age or +nation.” + </p> +<p> +Facing the Obelisk, “let us stroll down the market,” said Dashall, +“considered the cheapest in London.—Flesh, fish and fowl, fruits, +roots and vegetables, are here abundantly attainable, and at moderate +prices.” + </p> +<p> +Amongst the various venders, our two observers passed on, unmolestedly, +excepting the annoyance and importunity of “What d'ye buy? what d'ye buy, +buy, buy?” from” barking butchers, who instinctively reiterated the phrase +as the casual passenger approached, like so many parrots, unconscious of +its import being unproductive in effect; for who would be induced to +purchase by the clamorous invitation universally in use by these +vociferous butchers of the metropolis?—“My fine fellow,” observed +Tallyho to one who annoyed him, “good wine, they say, needs no bush, +neither does good meat require a barker.” + </p> +<p> +“Bad luck to my mother's own daughter, and that is myself, sure,” + exclaimed a retail venderess of vegetables, to her opponent in trade, “if +I wouldn't for the value of a tester, or for the value of nothing at all +at all, give you freely just what you ask for my jewel.—Arrah now, +is it law that you want of me! Faith and troth then you shall have it, <i>club-law</i>, +when and where you plase, my darling!” + </p> +<p> +“Dirty end,” rejoined the other lady, “to the girl who fear* you!—Here +am I, Kate, of the Maclusky's of Ballymena, in the county of Antrim, long +life to it! and it would be a hard case, and a shameful one to boot, if a +well educated northern lass should suffer her own self to be disgraced by +a Munster-woman.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[94]</span> “The devil fly away with Ballymena, and +the Macluskys along with it!” retorted the other; “and is it Munster and +heddication that you are bothering about? Whillaloe graraachree! my sweet +one! and did you begin your larning in Ballymena, and come to finish it in +Fleet-market? By my conscience, Kate Maclusky, if you are not very much +belied, you know more than you ought to do.” + </p> +<p> +“And what would you 'sinuate by that?” demanded Kate;—“What do you +?sinuate by that, Ma'am?—I acknowledge that I'm both a whore and a +thief—what then? Bating that I defy you to say, black is the white +of my eye!” + </p> +<p> +Here Mrs. Maclusky with arms a-kimbo, and a visage strongly expressing +exasperation and defiance, advanced towards the Munster-woman. +</p> +<p> +“Let us step aside,” said Dashall, “hostilities are about to commence.” + </p> +<p> +He was right; a few more irritable preliminaries, and the heroines came in +contact, in due order of battle. +</p> +<p> +“Two to one on the Munster-woman.” “Done! Ulster for ever! go it Kate!—handle +your dawdles, my girl;—shiver her ivory;—darken her skylights;—flatten +her sneizer;—foul, foul,—ah you Munster b——ch!” + </p> +<p> +“Fair, fair;—arrah, now for the honor of Munster;—dig away;—mind +your hits;—rattle her bread basket;—set her claret-spout +a-going;—stand firm on your pegs;—what, down!” + </p> +<p> +Thus ended round the first; the amazons had, in the fray, reduced each +other from the waist upwards to nearly a state of nudity. On either side +the partisans were numerous, the combatants eager to renew the fight, and +the spectators, the majority of whom were of Irish distraction, anxious +for the result, when the officious interposition of official authority, +terminated the “tug of war,” and the honor of the two provinces remained +undecided.— +</p> +<p> +“Success to the land that gave Patrick his birth.” Tranquillity thus +restored, a new scene in the drama of Fleet-market attracted the attention +of the two visitants. +</p> +<p> +A rabbit pole-woman passing through the market, was accosted by a lady, +who enquiring the price of the Rabbits, purchased a couple, in front of +the shop of a similar exhibitant.—This was considered by the +rabbit-dealers of the market, a gross breach of privilege, more +particularly as the obnoxious female had presumed to undersell them, even +with a superior article. Not willing, however, from <span class="pagenum">[95]</span>prudential +reasons, to appear in avowed personal hostility against the object of +their vengeance, and that, too, a woman, who had inadvertently incurred +the displeasure of their high mightinesses, the subordinate agency of boys +was deputed for the purpose of wrecking summary retribution; and the +juvenile deputation quickly overthrew in the apparent wantonness of +mischief, the whole of the poor girl's day-property, and scrambling for +the spoil, disseminated themselves in different directions, leaving not +the vestige of a rabbit behind! +</p> +<p> +A torrent of tears, feelingly shewed the anguish of her mind. She was +ruined beyond hope of redemption; the rabbits she had every morning on +credit, she plied the streets in selling them, through many a wearisome +hour in the day, happy if next morning, having realized a very moderate +profit by her laborious vocation, she could settle accounts with the +wholesale dealer, and take a fresh cargo with which to commence another +day's adventure.—But now, wringing her hands in an agony of grief, +“It is all over with me!” she exclaimed,—” my means of subsistence +is gone,—my credit is lost,—and God's will be done,—I +must go home and starve!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It is scarcely credible that one salesman in Leadenhall +market, at the present time, sells on an average 14,000 +rabbits weekly. He contracts with the coach masters for the +carriage, and pays them eleven pounds per thousand, +amounting, weekly, to £154. The way he disposes of them, is +by employing 150 travelling pole-men and women; in the +morning they are started upon credit, and the next day they +return, bringing back the skins, settle the accounts, and +then take a fresh cargo. +</div> +<p> +Ever prone to relieve distress, Dashall and Tallyho sympathized most +sincerely with this unfortunate girl; there was an indescribable something +of extreme interest about her, which was well calculated to excite a +feeling of generous commiseration. +</p> +<p> +Shall we now say the two philanthropists? for such they proved themselves. +Each then, in the same moment, expanded his purse, and together more than +compensated the delighted and astonished girl for her loss, who, blessing +her benefactors, went home rejoicing. +</p> +<p> +Gaining the extremity of the market, at the bottom of Skinner-street, the +two friends rounded the corner, and verged towards Ludgate-hill by the +Fleet Prison. Here a fresh claim, though of lesser magnitude, obtruded +itself on their benevolence. “Pity the poor debtors, having no <span +class="pagenum">[96]</span> allowance!” exclaimed an emaciated being, +gazing with an eye of wistful expectancy, through the thrice-grated window +of a small apartment on a level nearly with the street; “Pity the poor +debtors;” The supplicating tone of deep distress in which these words were +uttered spoke irresistibly to the heart, and the blessing of Heaven was +once more invoked on the donors. +</p> +<p> +“And this is the prison,” observed the Squire, “where a presumed scion of +the Royal branch, a few days ago surrendered to her bail, as a prisoner +for debt.”—“The same,” rejoined his Cousin, “and the Princess is now +most unroyally domiciled at a private-house within the rules of the Fleet, +on Ludgate-hill.—<i>Sic transit gloria mundi!</i>” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly,” said the Squire, “this London produces extraordinary sights, +and not less extraordinary occurrences;—but of all the scenes of +Real Life which has hitherto come within the scope of our observation, the +most singular is that of the presumed legitimate cousin of the King of +England, recently in a Spunging-house, and now confined for a debt of a +few hundred pounds to the rules of the Fleet."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Ci-divant Princess of Cumberland + +To the Right Hon. Lord Sidmouth. + +My Lord,'—When I reflect on the injuries I have received by +the refusal of your Lordship to forward my claims in a +proper way to his Majesty, I consider it as a duty that I +owe to my high descent, to enquire of your Lordship, why I +have been suffered to remain so long neglected and deprived +of the rights, which in common with other younger branches +of the Royal Family, I am entitled to? As soon as the demise +of my late Royal Uncle, his late Majesty, occurred, I +addressed your Lordship, for his present Majesty's gracious +knowledge. In my letters, repeatedly sent to your Lord-ship, +I assured you for the King's knowledge, that I had but one +anxious desire, which was to act in conformity to his +Majesty's Royal will and pleasure, after an audience had +been allowed to shew my papers. If, my Lord, I had been an +impostor, it was the duty of Ministers to have enquired into +my claims, and to have exposed them if unjust or illegal. +But, no! my Lord; every application was treated with cold +and apathetic contempt; and although all the writings of my +parent's marriage and my birth have been verified according +to law, at Judge Abbott's chambers, Sergeants' Inn,—at +Master Simeon's Office, Court of Chancery,—before Sir +Robert Baker and Barber Beaumont Esq.—and twelve affidavits +sworn and sent in to your Lordship, yet at this late moment +I find myself neglected and oppressed, and without one +guinea of support from the Government or Royal Family! My +dear late cousin, Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, supported and +protected me several years before his lamented death. His +Royal Highness saw the papers delivered to me by the Earl of +Warwick of my legitimacy, and there are at least a hundred +papers connected with my parent's affairs and my own; and +General Wetherall, Comptroller to his late Royal Highness, +looked over many such papers, at my residence in his Royal +Master's life-time. The excellent heart of the late Duke of +Kent was of a nature to decide, in all events of life +meeting his eye, with religion and moral justice. Thus has +he loved and cherished me, his cousin, and solemnly bound +himself to see me righted the moment that the death of his +late Majesty authorised my papers meeting the eye of the +nation. + +My Lord,—You well know why my claims are neglected—a +mighty cause exists! But it is a duty that I owe to myself +and the English nation to give a narrative of facts as they +are, unless immediate justice is done me. I am Olive, the +only child of the late Duke of Cumberland, by Olivia, his +virtuous, injured wife; and very shortly the public shall +know the great and forbearing conduct of Dr. Wilmot. To him +at one period, the English were indebted for tranquillity; +it can be proved, my Lord. And although my health is similar +to the late injured Queen's (my first cousin,) from having +experienced every deprivation and persecution from +interested enemies, yet I religiously trust the time is not +remote, when truth will triumph over calumny and +oppression.—I have the honor to be, my Lord, + +Your obedient servant, + +Olive. + +Ludgate-hill, Nov. 6th. 1821. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[97]</span>"Some Kings are not partial to female +cousins; and the legitimacy (said Dashall,) of this pretended Princess of +Cumberland does not appear sufficiently tangible to admit of recognition, +otherwise, without doubt, she would have been provided for!” + </p> +<p> +“Her case, however, wears not much the semblance of imposition,” said the +Squire. “The circumstances which she so minutely states, with reference to +living characters, strongly imply that her pretensions are not +ill-founded.” + </p> +<p> +They had now reached Ludgate-hill; a crowd was collected opposite the +residence of the Princess of Cumberland, when the captive heroine +condescended to shew herself at the window.—She is of matronly +appearance, and was well dressed.—The mobility received her with due +respect; the lady made her obeisance, and the assemblage retired, on terms +apparently of reciprocal satisfaction.— +</p> +<p> +Strolling onwards until they gained the centre of Blackfriars Bridge, the +two friends paused in admiration of the interesting scene before them. +</p> +<p> +Amidst the spires and turrets of the metropolis, Saint Paul's, close at +hand, rose in the proud pre-eminence of stupendous grandeur, like a mighty +monarch surrounded <span class="pagenum">[98]</span> by tributary kings, +rendering him the homage of vassalage. +</p> +<p> +—Emerging from the dense mass of buildings on the line from the +Tower to Westminster Abbey, appeared a continued succession of prominent +public edifices; on the river Thames the scene was diversified by numerous +wherries, gliding pleasurably on the rippling wave; some shooting under +the arches of the elegant Waterloo, and others under the spacious span of +the lofty iron bridge of Southwark,—while on either side the river, +Labour was on the alert, and the busy and ceaseless hum of Industry +resounded far and near. +</p> +<p> +?Twas low water, and the <i>mud-larks</i> now intent on their several +vocations, engaged the eye of the Squire.—“What are those people +about?” he asked, “What are they in search of?” + </p> +<p> +“These are <i>mud-larks</i>,” answered his friend, “in search of what +chance may throw in their way; all's fish that comes to net! You have much +to learn yet of Real Life in London, and must prolong your stay +accordingly.—Willing to eat the bread of honesty, these poor people +are in the daily practice of frequenting the shores of the Thames, to +literally pick up a living. Nothing comes amiss; all that is portable, +however insignificant in value, goes into the general repository. The +mud-lark returns home, when his labours are ended, sorts the +indiscriminate heterogeneous “mass of matter,” and disposes of it as well +as he can."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 How many hundreds and thousands, in a metropolis like that +of the British empire, obtain a subsistence, in a way of +which those of its inhabitants who are not compelled to such +an exercise of their ingenuity can have no idea! In the +midst of a crowded city, man is much more closely cut off +from all assistance on the part of his fellows, and is +obliged to trust entirely for the support of life to the +individual exertions of his strength, his talents, or his +ingenuity. Various and singular are the expedients practised +by numbers in the British capital. Among these the class of +Mud-larks is not the least extraordinary, that is people, +who, on the ebb of the tide re-pair to the river-side, in +quest of any article that the water may have left behind in +the mud. To this description of people belonged Peggy Jones, +the well known Mud-lark at Black Friars. She was a woman, +apparently about forty years of age, with red hair; the +particular object of whose researches was the coals which +accidentally fell from the sides of the lighters. Her +constant resort was the neighbourhood of Blackfriars, where +she was always to be seen, even before the tide was down, +wading into the water, nearly up to the middle, and scraping +together from the bottom, the coals which she felt with her +feet. Numbers of passengers who have passed by that quarter, +particularly over Blackfriars Bridge, have often stopped to +contemplate with astonishment, a female engaged in an +occupation apparently so painful and disagreeable. She +appeared dressed in very short ragged petticoats, without +shoes or stockings, and with a kind of apron made of some +strong substance, that folded like a bag all round her, in +which she collected whatever she was so fortunate as to +find. In these strange habiliments, and her legs encrusted +with mud, she traversed the streets of this metropolis. +Sometimes she was industrious enough to pick up three, and +at others even four loads a day; and as they consisted +entirely of what are termed round coals, she was never at a +loss for customers, whom she charged at the rate of eight- +pence a load. In the collection of her sable treasure, she +was frequently assisted by the coal-heavers, who, when she +happened to approach the lighters, would, as if +undesignedly, kick overboard a large coal, at the same time +bidding her, with apparent surliness, go about her business. +Peggy Jones was not exempt from a failing to which most +individuals of the lower orders are subject, namely, +inebriety. Her propensity to liquor was sometimes indulged +to such a degree, that she would tumble about the streets +with her load, to the no small amusement of mischievous +boys, and others, who, on such occasions, never failed to +collect around her. After concluding the labors of the day, +she retired to a wretched lodging in Chick Lane. This woman +carried on her extraordinary calling for many years, but +about the month of February, 1805, she suddenly disappeared +from her usual places of resort, and nobody can tell what is +become of her. A man who has the appearance of a coal- +heaver, has since stepped into her place, and adopted the +profession which she so long followed. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[99]</span> “Thus it is that the Mud-lark earns a +precarious and scanty subsistence, and in many other instances in this +metropolis, Ingenuity and Perseverance overcome difficulties that in the +country would prove insurmountable.” + </p> +<p> +Retracing their steps to Ludgate-hill, the associates passed into the Old +Bailey, where the Squire seemed struck with surprise at the simple bill of +fare of an eating-house, not inscribed on paper and exhibited against the +window, but deeply engraven on brass, and conspicuously fixed by the side +of the door, expressed in four syllables only, “The boil'd-beef house.”—“Compendious +enough,” exclaimed his Cousin. “Multum in parvo,” rejoined the Squire; and +immediately walking in, they were ushered into a snug room partly occupied +by guests of apparent respectability, each actively employed in the +demolition of buttock or flank with great seeming satisfaction. The two +strangers intimating a desire to follow so laudable an example, the waiter +submissively put the question, “Which would you please to have, gentlemen, +buttock or flank, or a plate of both?” That the quality of each might be +ascertained, plates of both were ordered, and presently brought in, piping +hot, and in the first style of culinary perfection.{1} +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[100]</span> It was amusing to observe the +characteristic features of the different guests. +</p> +<p> +The young man hurrying over his meal, and frequently casting a look on the +dial, indicated a tradesman's book-keeper, desirous of enjoying his pipe +and pint ere the allotted dinner hour expired, when he must return to his +desk. +</p> +<p> +Another, of meagre and cadaverous appearance, had his plate replenished, +thrice repeated, and each time dispatched the contents with astonishing +celerity. This man without doubt, was either a poet or a bookseller's +hack, who, probably had not for sometime enjoyed the novelty of a dinner, +and was thus making atonement to appetite accordingly. +</p> +<p> +One gentleman fashionably attired kept mincing his meat, and at long +intervals supplying masticates that seemed not at all alert in the +performance of their office.—His attention was given rather to the +company than to his plate, and was particularly directed to Dashall and +Tallyho, on whom it alternately settled with fixed and favourite regard.—This +very polite personage was assiduously eager by every possible courtesy to +ingratiate himself into the notice of our two friends; but Dashall was a +knowing fish, so the bait wouldn't take; and the Squire happening to +ejaculate the word Spunger, the stranger prudently took the hint, and +withdrew.{2} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Thirty years ago this house was noted for the excellent +quality of its boiled beef;—no other meat is ever drest +here,—Hobson's choice, or none! During that period it has +had several occupants, and each has retired with a very +considerable fortune. In the decided superiority of its +buttock and flank, the house still sustains its pristine +reputation. + +2 These gentry are hardly to be distinguished from the +Hanger-on, except by being, if possible, more impudent; they +frequent all places of public resort, in order to pick up a +dinner or a bottle, and otherwise prey upon the credulity of +the unwary. Whenever they meet with a countryman, they +salute him with enquiring the time of day, or describing the +weather, and entertaining him with a story of little +consequence, till they have artfully wheedled you into an +invitation to dine or sup with you. They can tell you where +the best entertainment is to be met with; which is the best +comedian; can get you introduced to see such an actress; to +hear this sing or that spout; will provide you with the best +seat at the play-house, or keep a place for you in the front +row of the first gallery, should you prefer it to the pit; +can procure a ticket for the exhibition rooms for half +price, and explain every thing in the museum as well as the +librarians themselves.—If your inclination is for mischief, +he is the only man in the world to assist you; would you +break the lamps, or Mill the Charleys, he will stand by and +cry Bravo! till you are carried to the Watch-house, but will +not engage in the quarrel himself, acting only as a <i>corps +de reserve</i>. When you are taken, he will negotiate with the +constable of the night about your ransom, for which you must +pay smartly, other-wise be detained till Justice opens her +doors to descry and punish your enormities, according to the +nature of the crime committed; upon which the Spunger says, +that he foresaw and told you the consequences that would +happen if you persevered, but that you would not listen to +his advice. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[101]</span> Having done satisfactory justice to the +buttock and flank, and further refreshed themselves with a draught of +Whitbread's Entire; our pedestrians, leaving the “Boil'd Beef House,” + recommenced their excursion by proceeding up the Old Bailey, when Dashall +remarking on the number of Eating Houses with which that street abounds, +observed, that it seemed a favorite seat of consolidation for the +professors of the culinary art, like Cloth-fair for Woollen-drapers, +Paternoster-Row for Booksellers, and Clerkenwell for Watch-makers, &c. +“This,” said Dashall, “is His Majesty's Gaol of Newgate, and from this +door ascend the numerous victims to the fatal scaffold, in immolation to +the offended laws of their country. Let us enter this temporary abode of +crime and wretchedness. It has been much meliorated by the humane and +indefatigable attentions of an excellent lady, Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, and I +am desirous of seeing the result of her philanthropic exertions.” The +gentlemanly appearance and demeanour of the two strangers facilitated +their admission, and they entered the prison preceded by one of the +turnkeys, who courteously had proffered his services in shewing the place, +and giving every required information. +</p> +<p> +Newgate, on the eastern side of the Old Bailey, has been rebuilt, its +walls or shell excepted, since it was destroyed by the rioters, in the +year 1780. A broad yard divides Newgate from the Sessions House, a very +handsome stone and brick building. Another edifice, where that lately +stood, commonly called Surgeon's Hall, has been erected; it is arched +underneath, and supported upon pillars, and is used as a place of +accommodation for witnesses and other persons, while waiting for the +trials during session time. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[102]</span> This prison, until within these few +years back, was a place of confinement as well for debtors as felons, but +by late arrangements, and the erection of the new gaol in +Whitecross-street, Newgate has now become the receptacle of felons +only.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Newgate has been the scene of two remarkable events, which +frequently serve as eras of reckoning to some of the +inhabitants of Loudon; the first is, that of the memorable +riots in 1780, when this imposing edifice was attacked by a +furious mob in the evening of Monday the 5th of June, who by +breaking the windows, batter-ing the entrances of the cells +with sledge hammers and pickaxes, and climbing the walls +with ladders, found means to enter Mr. Akerman's house, +communicating with the prison, and eventually liberated +three hundred prisoners. The next of these events oc-curred +on the 23rd of February, 1807. This was when Haggarty and +Holloway were to suffer for the murder of Mr. Steele on +Houns-low Heath. The populace began to assemble so early as +five o'clock, and to accumulate until eight. (It is supposed +that the concourse of people was greater than at the +execution of Governor Wall.) At eight o'clock the prisoners +ascended the scaffold. Im-mediately after they were launched +off, a most dreadful scene took place. The approaches to the +place were completely blocked up with carts, filled with +spectators, and when some of the crowd began to move away, +the pressure became dreadful. Some fell, and others falling +over them they were trampled to death. Terror took +possession of the crowd, they became desperate, and their +efforts only contributed to increase their danger. As soon +as this frightful confusion ceased, forty-two sufferers in +the scene were carried to St. Bartholomew's Hospital. Of +these, twenty-seven were dead; and though every effort was +made for their resuscitation, in not one instance was it +crowned with success. Of forty-two, the whole number, five +were women, and three of them were among the dead. Of the +remaining twenty-four bodies, five were men, and the rest +lads, from twelve to seventeen years of age. Among the dead +men was a pye-man, who was said to have fallen first, and +caused the dreadful catastrophe. A great number of the +pupils in attendance happened to be collected in St. +Bartholomew's Hospital at the time, and afforded prompt +assistance; and Dr. Powell, and a Surgeon, who were both +upon the spot, directed their humane exertions. +</div> +<p> +In the Old Bailey stood Sydney-house, known by the white front, and the +recess in which it is concealed; and here Jonathan Wild is said to have +lived the greatest part of his time. The north side of Newgate consists of +two court-yards, which are far too circumscribed for the numerous +inhabitants, this prison always exhibiting a multitudinous calendar of +human depravity. The men's court is only 49 feet 6 inches, by 31 feet 6, +and the women's of the same length, and about half the width. The whole +square is entirely surrounded by the wards, <span class="pagenum">[103]</span> +which rise three stories above the pavement. The women's yard is separated +from the men's by a wall. In the south and south-east yards, felons for +trial are confined, and four other yards are similarly occupied. The yard +assigned to female felons is a wretched place, containing three wards, in +which are sometimes kept upwards of one hundred women. In the north-east +corner, next Newgate-street, is the condemned yard, in which are kept +persons under sentence of death. The yards and all the wards are +repeatedly lime-washed, and by these and other excellent regulations of +the Sheriffs of London, Newgate is changed from a loathsome prison, +dangerous to the health of the metropolis, to a state which may be quoted +as a model for all similar places. Water is plentiful, ventilators are +introduced into every window, and a general system of cleanliness prevails +throughout the whole prison. The morals of its inmates have been improved, +and their condition greatly meliorated by Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, who like her +predecessor in the exercise of philanthropy, the celebrated Howard, +delights in reducing the sum of human misery. The feelings of the two +visitors having been amply gratified by demonstration of the happy result, +from superior management, accruing to the prisoners, they departed, not +forgetting the poor box, put up for general benefit, inviting the +contributions of charitable strangers. +</p> +<p> +Continuing their route, our perambulators proceeded down Skinner street +into Holborn, and traversed its extended line without any remarkable +occurrence, until they reached Broad Street, St. Giles's. “We are now,” + said Dashall, “in the Holy Land.” + </p> +<p> +“Long life to your honors,” exclaimed a ragged professor of mendicity: +“give a poor fellow the price of a <i>shake down</i>, and may you never be +without the comforts of an <i>upright</i>!” + </p> +<p> +“What mean you,” asked the Squire, “by a shake down and an upright?” + </p> +<p> +“Not the worse luck that you don't know that self same thing now; but sure +enough a shake-down is a two-penny layer of straw, and saving the tatters +on my back, not a covering at all at all; may the son of my father never +have a worse birth any how.” + </p> +<p> +“And an upright?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[104]</span> “Is it an upright your honor's spaking +about?—fait and troth, as to that same, may the devil fly away with +Thady O'Flannagan, and that is myself sure, if he knows much about it at +all at all, seeing as how he has not rested his old bones on such a thing, +arrah, these many long years; but sure enough it is four stumps, with +boards across, a good flock-bed, a blanket below and a sheet above, with a +decent coverlet pieced and patched in a hundred places to boot;—may +you never want the like of it, any how!” + </p> +<p> +“Thanks for your good wishes, my friend,” said Dashall; “and this for the +information which you have given us.” + </p> +<p> +“By the powers of good luck!” exclaimed the itinerant philosopher, “a +tirteener!—Now an Irishman's blessing upon you for two good-hearted +gentlemen; may you live all the days of your lives in peace and prosperity +both here and hereafter!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The many impoverished and deserted beings who daily wander +the streets, trusting for the vegetative existence of the +moment to eleemosynary occurrences, are incalculable. +Amongst these sons and daughters of misery, happy is the one +who, after partially satisfying the cravings of hunger, +possesses two-pence, the price of a shake down for the +night, in Rainbridge or Buckeridge-street, St. Giles's!—The +upright is a wretched semblance of a bed, at the rate of +three-pence or four-pence; but the lofty aspirant to genteel +accommodation, must put down a tester. In this way there are +frequently beds to the number of seventy in one house, made +up for nocturnal visitants! +</div> +<p> +Palestine in London, or the Holy Land, includes that portion of the parish +of St. Giles, Bloomsbury, inhabited by the lower Irish, with whom it seems +a favorite place of residence. The Squire having expressed to his friend a +desire of perambulating these boundaries, they proceeded, by the way of +George street, to explore the sanctified labyrinths, the scenes of diurnal +clamour, and hebdomadary conflict. +</p> +<p> +“Arrah now,” exclaimed a voice of maternity, in the person of a legitimate +daughter of Erin,—“Arrah now, you brat of the devil's own begetting, +be after bowling along to your fader: bad luck to him, and be sure that +you bring him home wid you, by the token that the murphies are cracking, +the salt-herrings scalding, and the apple-dumplings tumbling about the +pot,—d'ye mind me, you tief of the world, tell him that his dinner +waits upon him.”—“I'll be after doing that same, moder;” and forth +from the ground floor of a mean looking house in Buckeridge-street, sprang +an urchin without hat, shoe or stocking, and the scanty tattered +habiliment he wore, fluttering in <span class="pagenum">[105]</span>various +hues, like pennants in the wind, with such heedless velocity, urged no +doubt by the anticipated delicacies of the dinner-pot, that he came in +furious, unexpected, and irresistible contact with Squire Tallyho, who +borne forward by the shock, was precipitated into a stagnant collection of +mud and water, to the total disfigurement of his Boots, which had that +morning received the “matchlessly brilliant polish of Warren's inestimable +Jet blacking.” Not like many others in London, who will run you down and +leave you to your fate, the heir of his fader's whimsicalities stopped +short in the inauspicious set-out of his rapid career; and “dirty end,” he +exclaimed, “to the scavenger that didn't think of the gentleman's boots!” + And at the same time the mother of this hopeful representative of the Mac +Dermott family, made her appearance with the genuine warmth of Irish +hospitality; and inviting the two strangers to walk in, consoled the +bespattered Squire with the prospect of speedy and effectual reparation, +for “fait and troth, (said she) his dinner is all of a heap in the pot +there, praaties, salt-herrings, and apple-dumplings,{1} and that is my +husband Thady Mac Dermott, who is neither more nor less than a +bricklayer's laborer, is after amusing himself and obliging his +neighbours, at a small outlay, of a Sunday morning, by claning their boots +and shoes; so it is an ill wind that blows nobody good, they say.” The +accommodating hostess then producing a bottle of blacking, with the +requisite brushing implements, applied herself assiduously to the +operation of claning the Squire's boots, and restored them, in a few +minutes, to the splendour of their pristine brilliancy. +</p> +<p> +Scarcely had this important operation been performed, when entered Thady +Mac Dermott and his son, the origin of the accident. “The devil burn your +trampers, you imp of the Mac Dermotts,” cried the father: “couldn't you +run against the gentleman without dirtying his boots? Never mind it at all +at all; I'll be after giving you a walloping for it, any how.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The fastidious delicacy of English cookery, when +contrasted with that of Irish culinary preparation in the +Holy-land, is surprising. The wife of an Irish laborer who +is desirous of giving her husband a delectable meal, and of +various description, bodders not her brain with a diversity +of utensils; but from the same pot or pan will produce, as +if by enchantment, potatoes, (without which an Irishman +cannot possibly make a dinner,) salt-herrings, and apple- +dumplings; nor, does this extraordinary union of opposites +affect the appetite of those partaking the oglio. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[106]</span> The first instrument of attack that +comes to hand is an Irishman's weapon.—Thady brandished in <i>terrorem</i> +a red hot poker, and his son with the agility of a cat took sanctuary +under the bed, but at the intercession of the Squire was allowed to emerge +with impunity, and admitted to a participation of the salt-herrings and +apple-dumplings. The two friends declining an invitation to taste of these +dainties, now departed, Tallyho not forgetting the “outlay, and the +ill-wind that blows nobody good.” + </p> +<p> +Winding the mazes of the holy land, which may not unaptly be considered a +colony of Irish emigrants, our perambulators without further occurrence +worthy of notice, threaded their way through streets, lanes, and alleys, +until they emerged at the bottom of Tottenham-court Road, close by the +extensive brewery of Read and Co. Entering the premises, they were +gratified with a view of every thing interesting in the establishment; and +the Squire, to whom the spectacle was entirely new, stood wrapt in wonder +at the vast magnitude of its immense vats and boilers, containing, as he +observed, of the fluid of Sir John Barleycorn, a sufficiency to inundate +the whole neighbourhood! “Such a circumstance,” said the attendant, +“actually occurred a few years ago, when the vat burst, and an ocean of +beer rushed forth, with such impetuous force as to bear down, in its +resistless progress, the side of a house, and fill, to the imminent hazard +of drowning the astonished and alarmed occupants, all the cellars in the +vicinity."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Scarcely any thing contributes so much to characterize the +enterprising spirit of the present age, as the vast scale on +which many branches of manufacture are carried on in this +country. Every one has heard of the celebrated tun of +Heidelberg, but that monument of idle vanity is rivalled by +the vessels now employed in the breweries of this +metropolis. +</div> +<p> +Having seen all that is remarkable in this spacious concern, the two +associates turned into Oxford Street, where their attention was directed +to a gay female in an elegant equipage, pair in hand, dashing along, in +the manner of royal celerity. +</p> +<p> +“Observe that lady,” said Dashall, “She is the celebrated Mrs. C*r*y, the +favourite sultana of a certain Commander in Chief, and I shall give you +her history in a few words.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[107]</span> “Sutherland, a bombadier at Woolwich, +obtained a commission, but was less successful in securing the fidelity of +his wife, who eloped with an officer to Gibraltar; the produce of this +intercourse was the amoroso whom we observed <i>en passant</i>; in process +of time she married C*r*y, an officer in a veteran battalion, but shortly +afterwards getting tired of the connection, she adopted the laudable +example set by her respectable mamma, deserted her husband and came to +England, under the protection of a surgeon in the army, whose embraces she +relinquished for those of her present illustrious possessor. How long she +may keep him in captivation, is a surmise of rather equivocal import; +however ardent at present, his attachment, Mrs. C*r*y must be aware of the +versatile propensities of his R*y*l H*ghn*ss of Y**k, and sans doubt like +her predecessor, Mary Ann C***ke, will make the most of a favourable +opportunity.” + </p> +<p> +“London exhibits Real Life in all its forms and gradations, from the +hireling of royalty in a curricle, to the passive spouse of all the town, +on the pavement; from the splendour of affluence to the miseries of +penury; even Mendicity itself has its shades of variety, its success being +less frequently derived from the acuteness of distress than the caprice of +Nature, in having gifted the mendicant with some peculiar eccentricity of +person or character, to attract attention and sympathy. He who is without +these endowments passes unnoticed; but the diminutive and deformed +creature, seated on a child's cart, who with the help of crutches shoves +himself along the street, and whose whole height, including his machine, +does not exceed two feet; this minikin, <i>ecce homo</i>, is gazed at by +the casual passenger as a prodigy, and seldom fails to benefit by the +excitation of curiosity.”— +</p> +<p> +Approaching the tiny personage alluded to,—“Well, Mr. Andrew +Whiston,” said Dashall, “what important business brings you so far +westward? I thought that your migrations from Bankside had never extended +beyond the precincts of Temple-bar.” + </p> +<p> +“I wot weel, your honor, that I have strayed far frae hame, and to little +purpose,—better fortune has not lit on me this wearisome day, than +meeting wi' your honor, for God bless you many a time has the poor +dwarfish body tasted your bounty.” + </p> +<p> +During this colloquy, Tallyho gazed on the poor dwarfish body with +commiseration, intermixed with no small portion of surprise, at this fresh +display of general knowledge by his intelligent and amusing coz, to whom +all of interest and curiosity in the metropolis, animate and inanimate, +seemed perfectly familiar. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[108]</span> “And whither away now, Master Whiston; +do you mean to look in at the rendezvous to night?"{1} +</p> +<p> +“Faith no, sir,—I got a fright there some few years since, and I +shall be very cautious of getting into the like disaster a second time.” + </p> +<p> +The conversation had so far proceeded, to the entertainment of congregated +passengers, when the auditory getting rather inconveniently numerous, the +two friends left each his mite of benevolence with Maister Andrew Whiston, +gaining home without further incident or interruption.{2} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Recurring to the holy land, the rendezvous is a noted +house in St. Giles's, where, after the labors of the day, +the mendicant fraternity assemble, enjoy the comfort of a +good supper; amongst other items, not unfrequently an +alderman in chains, alias a roast turkey, garnished with +pork-sausages; elect their chairman, and spend the night as +jolly beggars ought to do, in mirth and revelry. + +2 Andrew Whiston was born at Dundee in Scotland, February +10th, 1770, and has, during the last twenty-eight years, +resided in London. The person of this man is well known to +the perambulators of the metropolis. He forms altogether a +disgusting little figure, pushing himself about on a small +cart, which moves upon wheels, and wearing an apron to +conceal the deformity of his legs. His whole height, +including his vehicle, does not exceed two feet. To avoid +the penalties attached to begging and vagrancy, he carries a +few pens stuck between his coat and waistcoat, and declares +that the dealing in those articles is the only trade to +which he has been brought up. It is not improbable, that by +means of this, and other arts and mysteries which he +exercises, Andrew has been enabled to procure something more +than salt to his porridge. It cannot be supposed that his +person is calculated to excite the tender passion; it must +therefore be to the idea of his having accumulated wealth, +that we are to attribute the following circumstance. A short +time since, Andrew began to think seriously of taking unto +himself a wife, and having looked round among his female +acquaint-ance for a desirable partner, he fixed his choice +on a Mrs. Marshall, the widow of a waterman, who follows the +trade of a retail dealer in fish, at the corner of Spiller's +public-house, on that side of the Surrey Road which he +usually frequents. This fair lady, who might perhaps have +been dead as a roach to his addresses, if he had possessed +nothing but his deformed person to offer, proved leaping +alive, ho! at the thought of Andrew's little hoard, of which +she hoped to become mistress. Several presents attested the +seriousness of the lover's proposals, and his charmer was +all compliance to his wishes, till he had actually sent the +money to pay for publishing the banns at Christ Church, when +the ridicule of all her acquaintance urged her to abandon +the design of so preposterous a match. +</div> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0007"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER VII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Gae him strong drink until he wink, +That's sinking in despair; +And liquor gúid to fire his blúid, +That's prest wi' grief and care;— +Then let him boose and deep carouse, +Wi' bumpers flowing o'er; +?Till he forgets his fears and debts, +And minds his ills no more. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[109]</span> DASHALL, during a stroll with his +relation round the neighbourhood of Covent Garden, learning that several +of his friends had formed a select party to dine at the Shakespear that +day, sent in the names of himself and Coz, and they were received by the +social and convivial assemblage with acclamation. +</p> +<p> +The Dinner-party comprised Sir Felix O'Grady, an Irish baronet just +imported from the province of Munster; the honorable Frederick Fitzroy, a +luminary in the constellation of Fashion; Colonel Mc. Can, a distinguished +Scotch Officer; an amateur Poet; a member of the Corps Dramatique; and our +old friends Sparkle and Mortimer, with the augmentation of Dashall and +Tallyho, as already mentioned. +</p> +<p> +The viands were excellent, and the wines of the first quality. +Conviviality was the order of the evening, and its whimsicalities were +commenced during the repast, by the player, who, taking up a goblet of +wine, and assuming the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, exclaimed— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“I drink +To the general joy of the whole table;— +May good digestion wait on appetite, +And health on both.”—— +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[110]</span>The bottle was now put into quick +circulation; harmony and hilarity prevailed; and the poet, availing +himself of the moments of inspiration, gave the following chant, <i>extempore</i>.— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Song. + +Air. Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen. + +Here's to the land where fair Freedom is seen, + +Old England,—her glory and trade, aye;— +Here's to the island of Erin so green, +And here's to Sir Felix O'Grady; +Let the toast pass, +Flinch not the glass +That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + +Here's to the beaus and the belles of the day, + +The pleasures of life who enjoy, sir;— +Here's to the leaders of fashion, so gay, +And here's to the dashing Fitzroy, sir. +Let the toast pass, +Flinch not the glass +That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + +Here's to our sailors who plough the salt wave, + +And never from battle have ran, sir;— +Here's to our soldiers who nobly behave, +And here's to brave Colonel Mc. Can, sir. +Let the toast pass, +Flinch not the glass +That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + +Here's to the joys that our reason engage, + +Where Truth shines our best benefactress; +Here's to the triumph of Learning,—the Stage,- +And here's to each actor and actress. +Let the toast pass, +Flinch not the glass +That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + +Here's to the man with a head to discern, + +And eke with a heart to bestow, sir, +Tom Dashall, well skill'd Life in London to learn; +And here's to the Squire Tallyho, sir. +Let the toast pass, +Flinch not the glass +That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + +Here's to the friendship united and true, + +That paces variety's round, sir; +To Sparkle and Mortimer fill then, anew, +And let us with pleasure abound, sir. +Let the toast pass, +Flinch not the glass +That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. +</div> +<p> +This complimentary bag-a-telle was well received, and Sir Felix, shaking +the amateur cordially by the hand, observed, that amongst other +attainments before he left London, he meant to acquire the art of making +verses, when he should give the poet a Rowland for his Oliver! +</p> +<p> +The player having but recently returned to Town, after completing his +engagements with some of the Irish provincial theatres, proceeded to amuse +his auditory, the baronet excepted, with accounts of the manner of posting +in the sister kingdom.— +</p> +<p> +“Travelling,” said he, “in the province of Munster, having got into a +chaise, I was surprised to hear the driver knocking at each side of the +carriage.—“What are you doing?”—“A'n't I nailing your honor?”—“Why +do you nail me up? I don't wish to be nailed up.”—“Augh! would your +honor have the doors fly off the hinges?” When we came to the end of the +stage, I begged the man to unfasten the doors.—“Ogh! what would I be +taking out the nails for, to be racking the doors?”—“How shall I get +out then?”—“Can't your honor get out of the window like any other +jontleman?” I then began the operation; but having forced my head and +shoulders out, could get no farther, and called again to the postillion.—“Augh! +did any one ever see any one get out of a chay head foremost? Can't your +honor put out your feet first, like a Christian?” + </p> +<p> +Here the baronet manifested considerable impatience, and was about to +interrupt the narrator, when the latter requesting permission, continued: +</p> +<p> +“Next day four horses were attached to the crazy vehicle;—one, +unfortunately, lost a shoe; and as I refused to go on until the poor +animal was shod, my two postillions commenced, in my hearing, a colloquy.—“Paddy, +where will I get a shoe, and no smith nigh hand?”—“Why don't you see +yon jontleman's horse in the field; can't you go and unshoe him?”—“True +for ye,” said Jem, “but that horse's shoe will never fit him.” “Augh! you +can but try it,” said Paddy. So the gentleman's horse was actually unshod, +and his shoe put upon the posting hack; and fit or not fit, Paddy went off +with it. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[112]</span> “Same day, during a violent storm of +wind and rain, 1 found that two of the windows were broken, and two could +not, by force or art of man, be pulled up. I ventured to complain to Paddy +of the inconvenience I suffered from the storm pelting in my face. His +consolation was, “Augh! God bless your honour, and can't you get out and +set behind the carriage, and you'll not get a drop at all, I'll engage!” + </p> +<p> +The player having thus closed his narrative, and the laughter of the +company having subsided, the baronet very candidly admitted, that the +sister kingdom in many parts, was miserably deficient in the requisites of +travelling, and other conveniences to which the English were accustomed. +But in process of time (he continued) we shall get more civilized. +Nevertheless, we have still an advantage over you; we have more +hospitality, and more honesty. Nay, by the powers! but it is so, my good +friends. However much we unhappily may quarrel with each other, we respect +the stranger who comes to sojourn amongst us; and long would he reside, +even in the province of Munster, before a dirty spalpeen would rob him of +his great coat and umbrella, and be after doing that same thing when he +was at a friend's house too, from which they were taken, along with nearly +all the great coats, cloaks, shawls, pelisses, hats and umbrellas, +belonging to the company."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 We are inclined to believe that Sir Felix alludes to the +fol-lowing instance of daring depredation. +</div> +<p> +Extraordinary Robbery. On Thursday night, whilst a large party of young +folks were assembled at the house of Mr. Gregory, in Hertford Street, +Fitzroy Square, to supper, a young man was let in by a servant, who said +he had brought a cloak for his young mistress, as the night was cold. The +servant left him in the hall, and went up stairs; when shortly after, a +second arrived with a hackney coach, and on his being questioned by the +servant, he said he brought the coach to take his master and mistress +home. The servant was not acquainted with the names of half the company, +and therefore credited what was told her. The two strangers were suffered +to stand at the stairs head, to listen to the music and singing, with +which they appeared highly delighted, and also had their supper and plenty +to drink. But while festive hilarity prevailed above, the villains began +to exercise their calling below, and the supper table in a trice they +unloaded of four silver table spoons, a silver sauce-boat, knives and +forks, &c. and from off the pegs and banisters they stole eight +top-coats, several cloaks, shawls, pelisses and hats, besides a number of +umbrellas, muffs, tippets, and other articles, all of which they carried +off in the coach which was in waiting. To complete the farce, the watchman +shut the coach door, and wished “their honours” good night. The robbery +was not discovered until the company was breaking up. No trace of the +thieves can be found. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[113]</span> There was certainly somewhat of an <i>Irishism</i> +in the baronet's remark.—Of eight great coats stolen, the thieves +could not discriminate who were the respective owners, and if it had been +possible that they could have discriminated, it is not likely that any +regard for the laws of hospitality would have induced them to make an +exception of Sir Felix O'Grady's property amidst the general depredation. +</p> +<p> +The company, although secretly amused by the baronet's remarks, condoled +with him on the loss he had sustained; and the player protesting that in +stating the facts of Irish posting, he had no intention of giving the +baronet the least offence, unanimity was restored, and the conviviality of +the evening proceeded without further interruption. +</p> +<p> +Sir Felix made Irish bulls, and gave Irish anecdotes; the amateur +occasionally gave a song or a stanza impromptu; the player spouted, +recited, and took off several of his brother performers, by exhibiting +their defects in close imitations,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Till tired at last wi' mony a farce,” + They sat them down— +</div> +<p> +and united with the remaining company in an attentive hearing to a +conversation which the honorable Frederick Fitzroy had just commenced with +his friend Dashall.— +</p> +<p> +“You have now,” said the honourable Frederick Fitzroy, addressing himself +to Dashall, “You have now become a retired, steady, contemplative young +man; a peripatetic philosopher; tired with the scenes of ton, and deriving +pleasure only from the investigation of Real Life in London, accompanied +in your wanderings, by your respectable relative of Belville-Hall; and yet +while you were one of us, you shone like a star of the first magnitude, +and participated in all the follies of fashion with a zest of enjoyment +that forbid the presage of satiety or decline.” + </p> +<p> +“Neither,” answered Dashall, “have I now altogether relinquished those +pleasures, but by frequent repetition they become irksome; the mind is +thus relieved by opposite pursuits, and the line of observation which I +have latterly chosen has certainly afforded me much substantial +information and rational amusement.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[114]</span> “Some such pursuit I too must think of +adopting,” replied Fitzroy, “else I shall sink into the gulph of ennuit to +the verge of which I am fast approaching. Independent of the frequent +ruinous consequences of the gaming-table, I have taken a dislike to its +associates, and therefore abandoned their society; nor will you be +surprised at my having adopted this resolution, when I inform you, that at +my last sitting in one of these nefarious haunts of dissipation, I was +minus to the extent, in a few hours, of several thousand pounds, the prize +of unprincipled adventurers, of swindlers, black-legs, and +pigeon-fanciers!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A pigeon-fancier is one of those speculators at the +Gambling Houses, whose object it is to lie in wait for +inexperienced noviciates, and under the pretext of fair and +honorable dealing pluck their feathers; that is to say, +strip them bare of their property. Days and nights are +passed at the gaming-table. “I remember,” said the Earl +of G——, “spending three days and three nights in the +hazard room of a well-known house in St James's Street; the +shutters were closed, the curtains down, and we had candles +the whole time; even in the adjoining rooms we had candles, +that when our doors were opened to bring in refreshments, no +obtrusive gleam of day-light might remind us how the hours +had passed. How human nature supported the fatigue, I know +not. We scarcely allowed ourselves a moment's pause to take +the sustenance our bodies required. At last one of the +waiters, who had been in the room with us the whole time, +declared that he could hold out no longer, and that sleep he +must. With difficulty he obtained an hour's truce; the +moment he got out of the room he fell asleep, absolutely at +the very threshold of our door. By the rules of the house he +was entitled to a bonus on every transfer of property at the +hazard-table; and he made in the course of three days, up- +wards of Three hundred pounds! Sleep and avarice had +struggled to the utmost, but, with his vulgar habit, sleep +prevailed. We were wide awake. I never shall forget the +figure of one of my noble associates, who sat holding his +watch, his eager eyes fixed upon the minute-hand, whilst he +exclaimed continually, “This hour will never be over!” Then +he listened to discover whether his watch had stopped, then +cursed the lazy fellow for falling asleep, protesting, that +for his part, he never would again consent to such a waste +of time. The very instant the hour was ended, he ordered +“that dog” to be awakened, and to work we went. At this +sitting Thirty-five Thousand Pounds were lost and won. I was +very fortunate, for I lost a mere trifle—Ten Thousand +Pounds only!” + </div> +<p> +Dashall congratulated Fitzroy on his resolution, in having cut the +dangerous connexion, and expressed a hope that in due process of time he +would emancipate himself from the trammels of dissipation generally. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[115]</span> “That,” rejoined Fitzroy, “is already +in a considerable degree effected.” + </p> +<p> +“In the higher and middle classes of society,” says a celebrated writer, +“it is a melancholy and distressing sight to observe, not unfrequently, a +man of a noble and ingenuous disposition, once feelingly alive to a sense +of honor and integrity, gradually sinking under the pressure of his +circumstances, making his excuses at first with a blush of conscious +shame, afraid to see the faces of his friends from whom he may have +borrowed money, reduced to the meanest tricks and subterfuges to delay or +avoid the payment of his just debts, till ultimately grown familiar with +falsehood, and at enmity with the world, he loses all the grace and +dignity of man.”— +</p> +<p> +“Such,” continued Fitzroy, “was the acmé of degradation to which I was +rapidly advancing, when an incident occurred to arrest the progress of +dissipation, and give a stimulus to more worthy pursuits. +</p> +<p> +“One morning having visited a certain nunnery in the precincts of +Pall-Mail, the Lady Abbess introduced me to a young noviciate, a beautiful +girl of sixteen. +</p> +<p> +“When we were left alone, she dropped on her knees, and in attitude and +voice of the most urgent supplication, implored me to save her from +infamy!” + </p> +<p> +“I am in your power,” she exclaimed, “but I feel confident that you will +not use it to my dishonor.—I am yet innocent;—restore me to my +parents,—pure and unsullied,—and the benediction of Heaven +will reward you!”— +</p> +<p> +She then told me a most lamentable tale of distress;—that her father +was in prison for a small debt; and that her mother, her brothers and +sisters, were starving at home.—Under these disastrous circumstances +she had sought service, and was inveighd into that of mother W. from +whence she had no hope of extrication, unless through my generous +assistance! She concluded her pathetic appeal, by observing, that if the +honorable Frederick Fitzroy had listened to the call of humanity, and paid +a debt of long standing, her father would not now be breaking his heart in +prison, her family famishing, nor herself subject to destruction. +</p> +<p> +“And I am the Author of all!” I exclaimed, “I am the dis-honorable +Frederick Fitzroy, who in the vortex of dissipation, forgot the exercise +of common justice, and involved a worthy man and his suffering family in +misery! But I thank heaven, the injury is not irreparable!” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[116]</span> “I immediately explained to Mother W. +the peculiarly distressing situation of this poor girl, rescued her from +meditated perdition,—restored the husband to his family, with +improved circumstances,—and by a continuance of my support, I trust, +in some degree to atone for past transgression.” + </p> +<p> +This narrative excited much interest, and the approval, by the company, of +Fitzroy's munificence was expressive and unanimous. +</p> +<p> +The conviviality of the evening was renewed, and sustained until an early +hour, when the party broke up; having enjoyed “the feast of reason, and +the flow of soul,” with temperate hilarity. +</p> +<p> +Dashall, his Cousin, and Fitzroy, proceeding under the piazzas of Covent +Garden, the latter suggested an hour's amusement in the Cellars underneath +the Hotel, a proposition which was immediately acceded to by his +companions, and the trio descended into the lower regions. +</p> +<p> +The descent however bore not any resemblance to that of Telemachus into +Hell. A brilliant light irradiated their passage, and the grim shadows of +the infernal abode were, if present, without the ken of ocular +observation. In place of the palace of Pandemonium, our triumvirate beheld +the temple of Bacchus, where were assembled a number of Votaries, +sacrificing to the jolly Deity of the Ancients, in frequent and powerful +libations. +</p> +<p> +By some unaccountable means the daemon of discord, however, gained +admission and ascendancy. +</p> +<p> +A scene now took place which baffles every attempt at description.—The +row became general; decanters, glasses, and other fragile missiles, were +resorted to,—their fragments strewed the floor,—and the +terrified attendants hastened to require the interposition of the +guardians of the night, in restoring order and tranquillity. +</p> +<p> +Amidst the ravage and dissonance of war, our trio preserved a strict +neutrality, and before the arrival of the mediating powers, had regained +their position in the piazzas, where they waited the result of the +conflict. +</p> +<p> +Negotiations of peace having been unavailingly attempted, the refractory +combatants were taken into custody, after an obstinate resistance, and +conducted to “duress vile,” in the Watch-house. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[117]</span> The tragi-comedy was dacently wound up +by one of the performers, a native of the Emerald Isle, who thinking it +necessary that the neighbourhood should have an intimation of the +proceedings, announced the hour of “past three,” with the accompaniment of +“a bloody MORNING!”{1} +</p> +<p> +The neutrals now proceeded to their respective homes, and our two +associates reached their domicile, without the occurrence of further +incident. +</p> +<p> +Next morning the indicative double rit-tat of the postman induced the +Squire from the breakfast-parlor to the hall. The servant had opened the +door, and received the letters; when an itinerant dealer in genuine +articles obtruded himself on the threshold, and doffing his castor after +the manner of a knowing one, enquired whether his honor was pleased to be +spoke with. Tallyho desired him to step in, and required to know his +business. The fellow with a significant wink, and many prelusive apologies +for the liberty he was about to take, stated that he had accidentally come +into possession of some contraband goods, chiefly Hollands, Geneva, and +India silk handkerchiefs, of prime and indisputable excellence; which he +could part with at unparalleled low prices;—that he had already, in +this private way, disposed of the greatest portion, and that if his honor +was inclined to become a purchaser, he now had the opportunity of blending +economy with superlative excellence, in an almost incredible degree, and +unequalled in any part of the three kingdoms. +</p> +<p> +This flourish the Squire answered with becoming indignity; expressed his +surprise at the consummate assurance of any trickster who would dare to +offer him a contraband article, to the prejudice of His Majesty's revenue; +and ordered the servant to turn the “scoundrel” out of doors.{2} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The above mentioned fracas took place a few weeks ago.— +The offenders “against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the +King,” were next day held before one of the Police +Magistrates, when it appearing that the row occurred under +the influence of ebriety, and that the landlord and the +watchmen were the only sufferers, a com-promise was +permitted, and the parties were discharged with a suitable +admonition. + +2 “Contraband articles.” The Squire apparently was not +aware that the superlatively excellent Hollands, Geneva, and +India-hand-kerchiefs were, the one the manufacture of +Spital-fields, and the other the sophisticated balderdash +known by the name of Maidstone gin. It is a fact, altho' not +generally known, that at the different watering places every +season, the venders of silk handkerchiefs manufactured in +Spital-flelds, carry on a lucrative trade, by disposing of +them under the affectation of secrecy, as the genuine +produce of the Indian loom; and thus accommodating +themselves to the prejudice of their customers against our +native productions; get off in threefold proportion, the +number sold in London, and at a cent per cent greater +advantage! + +With respect to alleged contraband SPIRITS, the deceit is +more successfully manoeuvred in Town than in the country.— +The facility of smuggling on the coast frequently supplies +the maritime visitant with a cheap and genuine beverage. In +Town the same opportunity does not occur, and on the +uninitiated in the cheats of London, the system of this +species of imposition is more frequently practised. +Professing to exhibit Real Life in London, we shall not +trouble our readers with an apology for the introduction of +the following appropriate incident— + +Court ok Requests.—Holborn.—A case of rather a curious +nature, and which was characterised rather by the absurd +credulity of the parties than by its novelty, came before +the Commissioners on Thursday last. A man of the name of +O'Regan attended the Court, to show cause against a summons +which had been issued, calling upon him to pay a debt of +eighteen shillings, which was alleged to be due by him to a +person who stated his name to be Higgins. The parties were +both Irishmen, and exhibited a good deal of irritation as +well as confusion, in their stories. With some difficulty +the following facts were collected from their respective +statements;—On Tuesday week, about nine o'clock in the +evening, a man dressed in the costume of a sailor, and +wearing a large rough coat, similar to that commonly worn by +sea-faring men, in bad weather, entered the shop of O'Regan, +who is a dealer in salt fish, and other haberdashery,” as he +called it, in St. Giles's; and beckoning to the back part of +the room, and at the same time looking very significantly, +said, “May be you would not like a drop of the “real thing,” + to keep a merry Christmas with?” “What do you mane?” says +O'Regan. “Whiskey, to be sure,” says the man. “Faith, and +it's I that would, “replied O'Regan, “provided it was good +and chape.” “Och, by the piper of Kilrush,” says the man, +“there has not been a noter, claner, more completer drop of +<i>Putshean</i> (whiskey illicitly distilled,) smuggled across +the <i>Herring-brook</i> (the Irish Channel,) for many a long +day, and as for chapeness, you shall have it for an ould +song.” “You don't mane to say it's after being smuggled!” + says O'Regan. “Be my soul, but I do,” rejoined the man, +“it's I and Jack Corcoran, a friend of mine, brought it safe +and sound into the Thames last Sunday, in the shape of a +cargo of butter-firkins, from Cork.” “Could a body taste +it?"pursued O'Regan. With a couple of “why nots,” says the +man, “I've a blather full of it under my oxther (his arm- +pit,) if you'll lind us hould of a glass.” O'Regan said he +hadn't a glass handy, but he brought a cup, and the bladder +being produced, a fair taste was poured forth, which +O'Regan, having tippled it off, after collecting his breath, +swore was “the darling of a drop, it was the next kin to +aquafortis.”—“Aqua fifties you mane” says the man, +“aquafortis is a fool to it.” The next question was, as to +the price?"Och, by the powers,” says the honest smuggler, +“as you're a countryman and friend, you shall have it for +ten shillings a gallon, and less than that I would'nt give +it to my mother.” O'Regan thought this too much, and +proposed eight shillings a gallon; but, after much +chartering, he agreed to give nine shillings. The quantity +was next discussed. The man could not sell less than an +anker, four gallons. This was too much for O'Regan; but he +finally determined to get a friend to go partners, and +Higgins, who lodged in his house, was called down and also +indulged with a taste, which he likewise pronounced +“beautiful.” It was then arranged, with strong injunctions +of secrecy, that the tub should be brought the next night, +in a half-bushel sack, as if it were coals, and the hour of +nine was appointed. The smuggler then departed, but was true +to his appointment. He came at the hour fixed on the +Wednesday night, and in the disguise proposed. The commodity +was then carried into a little back parlor, with great +mystery, and deposited in a cupboard, and the doors being +all shut, he demanded his cash. “To be sure,” says Higgins; +“but, first and foremost (for he was more cautious than his +friend,) let us see if it is as good as the sample was?” + “Och, the devil burn me,” says the smuggler, “if I'd desave +you.” “Sure I know you would'nt,” replied Higgins, “only +just I'd like to wet my whistle with another drop, as you +may say.” “Touch my honor, touch my life,” says the +smuggler; and seizing the tub with some indignation, he +called for the poker, and then striking the barrel on each +side the bung-hole, out started the bung. He next called for +a table-spoon, and a cup, and ladling out about a noggin, +alias a quartern, handed it to O'Regan, who, having taken a +suck, by the twist of his eye and the smack of his lips, +evinced his satisfaction. Higgins finished it; and +exclaiming, “it's the dandy,” passed his hand in his +pocket, without further hesitation, and produced his +eighteen shillings. O'Regan did the same, and the cask being +safely locked in the cupboard, the smuggler was let out with +as much caution as he had been admitted. O'Regan and Higgins +then held a council upon the division of the spoil; and the +latter went up stairs to fetch down a two gallon jar, while +the former ran to the public-house to borrow a measure. They +soon met again in the parlor, and the tub was brought out. +They endeavoured at first to get the bung out in the same +manner which they had observed the smuggler pursue, but not +being equally acquainted with the subject, they could not +succeed. This difficulty, however, was soon obviated. +O'Regan obtained a large gimblet from a next door neighbour, +and a hole being bored in one of the ends, the liquor began +to flow very freely into the measure which was held to +receive it. Higgins remarked that it looked very muddy, and +on the pint being full, lifted it up to have another sup; +but he had no sooner taken a gulp, than, to the dismay of +O'Regan, he exclaimed, “Oh, Holy Paul, it's bilge!” + mentioning a very unsavoury liquid. “Brother,” says O'Regan, +and snatching the measure from his partner, took a mouthful +himself, which he as quickly spirted about the floor; and +then, in an agitated tone, cried out, “Sure enough Higgins, +it is bilge, and precious bail it is, as ever I drank.” They +now eyed each other for some time with mutual surprise, and +then sympathetically agreed that they must have been “done.” + It was still, however, a matter of surprise to them, how +their friend, the smuggler, could have taken good whiskey +(which that they had tasted from the bung-hole certainly +was,) from such nastiness. In order to solve their doubts, +they procured a pail; and, having emptied the cask, they +proceeded to break it to pieces, when, to their +astonishment, the mystery was unravelled, and their folly, +in being made the dupes of a pretended smuggler, made fully +manifest; for immediately under the bung-hole they found a +small tin box, capable of containing about half a pint, +which, being tightly tacked to one of the staves, kept the +pure liquor, a small quantity of which still remained, from +that which was of a very opposite character. It was no +laughing matter, and they were not, therefore, very merry on +the occasion; and still less so, when Higgins demanded of +O'Regan the repayment of his eighteen shillings; this +O'Regan refused, and a quarrel ensued, which after having +terminated in a regular “set to,” attended with painful +consequences to both; was followed by Higgins applying to +this Court for the summons which led to their appearance +before the Commissioners. The whole of the circum-stances, +with infinite trouble, having been thus unravelled; the +Commissioner declared his inability to afford Mr. Higgins +any re-dress. There was clearly no debt incurred; there was +a mutual compact, entered into for an illegal purpose, for +had the liquid which they had purchased been smuggled +spirits, they were liable to pay a large penalty for having +bought it. But putting aside all these considerations, it +was clear that Higgins had, with a proper degree of caution, +endeavoured to satisfy himself of the quality of the article +before he paid his money; and thereby showed that he was not +acting under a confidence in any guarantee on the part of +O'Regan; and consequently could have no claim on him. In +this view of the case, he should dismiss the summons without +costs. The parties then retired, amidst the laughter of the +by-standers; and Higgins, who was evidently much mortified, +swore he would take the worth of his eighteen shillings +“out of O'Regan's bones!” + </div> +<p> +This command was obeyed with alacrity, and as promptly acceded to by the +discomfited intruder, who, however, retrieved, without doubt, in the +credulity of others, the disappointment he had sustained by the +pertinacity of the Squire. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[120]</span> The morning was unfavourable to +pedestrian excursion. The library was well stored with literature in +choice variety. To this antidote of ennui the Squire resorted, while +Dashall wrote cards of invitation to a few select friends, whom he knew +would, <i>sans cerémonie</i> honor his table to take bachelor's fare with +him in the evening. +</p> +<p> +“I pity the man in a rainy day,” says a writer, “who cannot find amusement +in reading.” This was not the case with the two associates;—the +intellectual treat afforded by the library was fully enjoyed; and the +moments glided on, imperceptibly, until verging on the hour of dinner. +</p> +<p> +The friends to whom Dashall had sent round, one and all accepted his +invitation, and the remainder of the day was devoted to that refined +hilarity, of which his hospitable board was always the chief +characteristic. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0008"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER VIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +London, thy streets abound with incident.— +Dashing along, here roll the vehicles, +Splendid, and drawn by highly pamper'd steeds, +Of rank and wealth; and intermix'd with these, +The hackney chariot, urg'd to sober pace +Its jaded horses; while the long-drawn train +Of waggons, carts, and drays, pond'rous and slow, +Complete the dissonance, stunning the ear +Like pealing thunder, harsh and continuous, +While on either side the busy multitude +Pass on, various and infinite.— +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[122]</span> THE following morning presented the +exhilarating aspect of an unclouded sky, and the two friends were +anticipating, at the breakfast-table, the enjoyment of a fine day,—when +</p> +<div class='pre'> +A double rat-tat, quickly doubled again, » +Announced an intruder of Consequence vain, +Decorum inclin'd to defy all;— +Again went the knocker, yet louder and faster, +John ran to the door, and one ask'd for his master, +Resolv'd against taking denial.— +</div> +<p> +“My good fellow,” said the stranger, “will you be after representing my +obeisance and all that, to the Honorable Mr. Dashall, and I beg to know +whether he is at home?” + </p> +<p> +“Your name, sir?” + </p> +<p> +“Augh, what does it signify?—Tell him an old friend with a new face,—arrah, +not so,—tell him, that a new friend with no face at all at all, +would be glad to wait upon him.—Sir Felix O'Grady, the Munster +baronet, d'ye mind me?” + </p> +<p> +This was an unexpected visit, and the more kindly received by Dashall and +Tallyho, who promised themselves considerable amusement in the acquisition +of the baronet's society, which was readily conceded for the day, to their +request. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[123]</span> “Have you breakfasted?” asked Dashall. +“Whether or not,” answered Sir Felix, “I'll take a cup of taa with you, +any how.” + </p> +<p> +When the repast was finished, the triumvirate set out on their pedestrian +excursion; interrupted however, in their progress, by a temporary shower, +they took refuge in a Coffee-house, where Sir Felix taking up a Newspaper, +read from amongst the numerous advertisements, the following selected +article of information,—“Convenient accommodations for ladies who +are desirous of privately lying in, and their infants carefully put out to +nurse.” “Well now, after all,” observed the baronet, “this same London is +a very convanient place, where a lady may gratify her pleasurable +propensities, and at same time preserve an unblemished reputation. It is +only going into the country, sure, for the benefit of her health; that is +to say, she retires to one of the villages in the neighbourhood of London, +pays her way without name given or questions asked, and in a few months, +returns to Town improved in health, but more slender in person, all her +acquaintance exclaiming, “La! my dear, how vastly thin you have grown!”— +</p> +<p> +“There are in London and its neighbourhood,” said Dashall, “numerous such +convenient asylums; but I cannot acquiesce in their utility.—I am +rather of opinion that they have a demoralizing tendency, as accelerating +by concealment, the progress of licentiousness.—Human failings will +still predominate, and the indulgence of illicit intercourse is less +frequently prevented by an innate principle of virtue than the dread of +shame. When facility of concealment is therefore given to the result, +these connexions will still become more prevalent.” + </p> +<p> +“By the Powers,” exclaimed Sir Felix, “but I think Morality ought to feel +particularly benefited by these convanient asylums; they preserve +reputation, and in some instances have prevented suicide and murder. I +know of two cases wherein both crimes were perpetrated through a sense of +shame and dread of discovery, which probably would not have happened could +the unfortunates have resorted to “convanient accommodations.”—Well, +here's good luck to the fair sex, the dear cratures! and may they, every +one of them, die on a Christmas day, any how!”{1} +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[124]</span> This eccentric wish elicited a look of +surprise from the Squire, which Sir Felix observing,— +</p> +<p> +“My rason is,” said he, “that the gates of heaven being open all that day +long, a body may slip in unknownst, as it is to be hoped that you, Mr. +Dashall, and I may do, some day shortly without any interruption at all, +at all.” + </p> +<p> +This ludicrous finis excited the laughter of the company— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“But lo! the clouds break off, and sideways run, +Out from his shelter lively looks the sun:” + </div> +<p> +and the united observers of Real Life hailing the favorable presage, +resumed their perambulation.— +</p> +<p> +Advancing along Piccadilly towards Hyde Park, they reached the splendid +mansion of the hero of Waterloo; the gates were open, and a travelling +carriage with four horses was in waiting for his Grace, who was then about +setting off to inspect the fortifications of the Netherlands.{2} Neither +Sir Felix nor Tallyho having ever seen the Duke, the triumvirate paused at +the entrance of the Court-yard, until the carriage came forth, when they +saluted the gallant warrior with the tribute of respect due to +distinguished services and exalted genius, which his Grace very +courteously returned. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 On the subject of “convenient accommodation for ladies +who wish privately to ly in,” if we might hazard an opinion, +it would be in coincidence with that of our friend Dashall. +These establishments' are certainly an encouragement to +licentiousness, and it is well known, that in many of these +receptacles, “where the strictest honor and secrecy may be +relied on,” the allurement of <i>abortion</i> is held out to the +unhappy female, if she declines the anticipation of maternal +solicitude. + +2 Thirty-Two Great Personages! Anecdote of the Duke of +Wellington,—His Grace, the Duke of Wellington, when last in +the Netherlands, and travelling without attendants, in a +part of the country where his multitudinous titles were not +well understood, was overtaken on the road by a veteran +officer, whose route lay in the same direction with that of +his Grace. The Duke having occasion to stop; and as the +officer would reach a certain town several hours before him, +he requested that the veteran would take the trouble of +ordering dinner for him, at the principal Inn. The old +officer made his congee, and pro-ceeded on his mission. “I +am desired to order dinner here,” said he, to the landlord; +“but stay, I had better state who for.” Then calling for +pen and ink, he presented the astonished and delighted host +with the following list of his forthcoming illustrious +guests. + +The Prince of Waterloo! +The Duke of Wellington.—The Duke of Ciudad Rodrigo, +and The Duke of Vittoria. +The Marquis of Douro, and a Marshal General of France. +Master General of the Ordnance. + +Colonel of the Royal Regt. of Horse Guards, Blue. +Colonel of the Rifle Brigade. + +The Lord Lieutenant of Hampshire.—And + +The Governor of Plymouth. + +Field Marshal of Austria, +——————————Russia, +——————————Prussia, +——————————France, +——————————England, and +——————————The Netherlands. + +A Grandee of the Highest Class. +A Captain General of Spain. + +Knights of the Orders of +The Garter, in England.—St. Andrew, in Russia.—The Black +Eagle, in Russia.—Charles III. in Spain.—St. Ferdinand and +Merit, in Spain.—The Golden Fleece, in Spain.—Maximilian +Joseph, in Bavaria.—St. Maria Theresa, in Austria.—The +Sword, in Spain.—St. Esprit, in France.—St. George, in +Russia.—The Tower and Sword, in Portugal. +And, (to bring up the rear,) +A Doctor of Civil Laws! + +“Mon Dieu!” exclaimed the host, in extacy, “what a noble +company!” He then began to tell them over;—“One Prince,” + he continued,—“Three Dukes—One Marquis—A Marshal General +of France—An English Governor—An English Lord Lieutenant— +The Master General of the Ordnance, and Two English +Colonels—Six Field Marshals—One Grandee of the Highest +Class—A Captain General of Spain—Twelve Knights, and a +Doctor of Civil Laws!.'—<i>Mon Dieu!</i> Thirty-two Great +Personages!!” + +All the provisions of the town, all the delicacies of the +season and all the celebrated wines, were immediately put in +requisition for the illustrious company in expectancy. + +At last the Duke of Wellington arrived, and was ushered into +a spacious dining-room, where a cloth was laid with thirty- +two covers. The person of the Duke was unknown to the +Innkeeper, who, full of important preparations for the +Thirty-two Great Personages, thought not of any thing +else.—“I ordered dinner here,” said his Grace.—“Mon +Dieu!” responded the Innkeeper, “are you one of the Thirty- +two Great Personages?” presenting the list at same time. His +Grace glanced his eye over it,—“they are all here!” said +he, “so send up the dinner immediately.” The Inn-keeper +stood aghast with amazement; at last finding utterance, he +ventured to express a hope that his Grace would be pleased +to take into consideration, that he (the Innkeeper,) had, at +great trouble and expence, provided a most sumptuous +entertainment for Thirty-two Great Personages. “D——n +the Thirty-two Great Personages,” exclaimed the Duke, “Send +up the dinner, and your bill.—Thus I must pay the penalty,” + said he, “for not having invited the old veteran to be of +the party!!” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[125]</span> The Squire observed, that the brilliant +victories of his Grace, although acknowledged and rewarded by all the +Potentates of Europe, had not procured him much popularity at home. The +remark was confessed by Dashall to be correct, but whence the public +indifference originated, he could not presume to explain. +</p> +<p> +Crossing Hyde Park, which a celebrated physician denominated <i>the lungs +of the Metropolis</i>, our pedestrians made their egress into Oxford-road. +This fine street, with longitudinal reference the first in London, excited +the admiration of the baronet; the long line of perspective indeterminable +to the view, stretching from Hyde Park corner to St. Giles's, the general +uniformity of the buildings, the neatness, and in many instances the +splendor of the tradesmen's shops, together with the comfortable manner of +their perambulation, unjostled and unimpeded by the hurry, throng and +bustle of passengers, with which <span class="pagenum">[126]</span> many +other parts of the Town are annoyed, gave an additional zest of enjoyment +to the trio in their excursion, while the Squire observed, that he felt in +this part of the Town, always as if he had been suddenly removed to some +other region of the world, far remote from the city of London, its +dissonant uproar, and crowded inconveniences. +</p> +<p> +Turning into Blenheim street, Dashall apprized his companions, that if +they felt inclined to take a peep into the Theatre of Anatomy, he could +procure their admission. +</p> +<p> +The Squire seemed to recoil from so disgusting an exhibition; while on the +other hand the baronet expressed a great desire to enter the theatre. “I +have been used to murder and mutilation!” said he. +</p> +<p> +“The devil you have!” ejaculated the Squire, “where, how?” + </p> +<p> +“Where else should it be but in Ireland?” replied the baronet:—“and +as to the how, was it not, sure, after the manner of my profession, while +I was a member of a Corps of Yeoman Cavalry, during the rebellion, when we +whipped, hanged, beheaded, and mutilated men, every day, by dozens! So you +may guess, my good <span class="pagenum">[127]</span>friend, that cutting +up a human carcase is nothing new to me. Only now, I should like to see if +there is any difference in the mangling of human bodies by the anatomical +artists of London from the ci-devant military professors, “The Loyal Troop +of Doneraile.” + </p> +<p> +The hesitation manifested by the Squire yielded, ultimately, to the +importunity of the baronet, and they entered the human shambles, where the +cutters up were at work upon a subject, securing to themselves the +advantage of personal experience, in the process of dissection; the +abdomen had been already cleared out, and the corpse was portioned out to +the different students of anatomy for the purpose of illustration; the +arms to one class, the legs to another, the head to a third, &c. so +that in less than a quarter of an hour, decapitation and dismemberment +were completely effected; and the trunk was deserted, as an uninteresting +object, from which there could not be derived any information of +importance, further than that which the students had already obtained!!! +</p> +<p> +Sir Felix whispered his friends, that these adepts in human mutilation far +exceeded in apathy of feeling and adroitness of execution, even the +ci-devant Loyal Troop of Doneraile!—But when one of the young +artists brought forward in his hands smeared with gore, a human heart for +the operation of the dissecting knife, Tallyho declaring that he could +bear it no longer, rushed out of the theatre, and was followed by his two +companions, all disgusted with this spoliation of the dead, however +conducive it might prove to the interests of the living.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The human subjects for these Theatres of Anatomy and +private dissection, are chiefly supplied by +“Resurrectionists;” a class of depraved wretches whose only +employment is that of body-snatching, or robbing the graves +of their dead; from which they derive a ready and lucrative +emolument. The anatomists are ready at all hours to receive, +without questions asked, and with prompt remuneration, the +produce of these unsanctified depredations.—Dreadful must +be the feelings of the fond relatives of a departed friend, +to learn that the sanctuary of the grave has been violated, +and the body of perhaps a beloved wife, sister, or other +revered female, exposed to the gaze, and subjected to the +scalping-knife, of these butchers. + +Iron Coffins have been resorted to as a safe-guard, which +once closed cannot be opened. For this improvement the +artist obtained a patent; but he is not likely to derive +much advantage from his invention, as the parish officers +within the bills of mortality have generally refused the +rites of sepulture to bodies cased in iron; alleging, that +the almost imperishable material would shortly compel an +enlargement of burying ground, at a vast expence, which it +is the duty of the parish officers to prevent, by resisting +the interment of bodies in iron coffins; and this resolution +has lately had the sanction of legal authority. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[128]</span> +</p> +<p> +Proceeding along Oxford Street, Sir Felix enquired for the <i>Holy Land</i>, +informing his friends, at same time, that his servant, whom he had +entrusted the preceding day with a cheque on his banker, had not been at +home all night, and the probability was, that he had got amongst his +Munster friends in Palestine. Sir Felix was therefore desirous of +ascertaining, if possible, the sanctuary of the fugitive; and with that +view requested his friends to accompany him in a perambulation of +discovery, through (to him) these hitherto unexplored regions.—This +application was readily assented to, and the triumvirate passed onwards to +the place of destination. +</p> +<p> +They had now reached the Church of St. Giles in the Fields, situated in +Broad Street, St. Giles's; and their attention was immediately directed to +that fine piece of sculpture over the iron gateway, leading into the +Church-yard, representing the Resurrection and Last Judgment. The figures +are in <i>basso relievo</i>, and although diminutive, are admirably +grouped, and the expression of each gives to the whole a finished and +impressive effect. +</p> +<p> +Two minutes more, and the three friends were on the boundaries of the Holy +Land, namely, George Street, or, as formerly cognomened, Dyott Street, +Bloomsbury. +</p> +<p> +At the end of this street, next to St. Giles's, were several of the Lower +Irish, of both gender, who, clustering together, seemed to hold a close +confabulation, casting occasionally, an inquisitive eye on Sir Felix +O'Grady. +</p> +<p> +“By the soul of the priest!” at last exclaimed one of the Munster +emigrees, “but it is him, and I would take my davy on it;—but sure +enough, I will ax the jontleman himself now, whether he knows who he is, +or if he is any body at all, at all!” + </p> +<p> +This real representative of the tag-rag and bob-tail of the Emerald Isle, +was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his class and country. A +nameless something that had once been a hat, covered a shock head of hair; +the redundancy of which protuberated sideways and perpendicularly, <span +class="pagenum">[129]</span>from the ci-devant castor, in many a knotty +combination, impervious to wind and weather. The fragments of a loose +great coat decorated his tall athletic form, which scarcely reaching his +knees, exposed fully to observation his nether habiliment,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“His galligaskins, that had long withstood +The winter's fury and encroaching frost +By Time subdued,—what will not Time subdue, +Now horrid rents disclosed, portending agues.” + </div> +<p> +His brawny legs were partially cased in worsted hose, the dilapidations of +wear and tear ingeniously repaired with cloth, pieced and patched, and +comprising all the prismatic colours of the rainbow; his toes, disdaining +the trammels of duress, peeped through his brogues, as if anxious for +freedom; and to complete the singularity of this strange figure, his +vacant face was incrusted with filth, his bristly beard unshorn,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +And stuck in his mouth of capacious dimensions, +That never to similar shape had pretensions, +A pipe he sustain'd, short and jetty of hue, +Thro' which the dense clouds of tobacco he drew. +</div> +<p> +This apparition stalking onwards to our admiring triumvirate,—“May +be,” said he, “your honor can be after telling me,—will your honor +be Sir Felix O'Grady of Munster, that is, long life to it?”—“The +same, by the powers of my father who begot me!” exclaimed the baronet: +“sure enough I am Sir Felix O'Grady that is, not that will be!” “Erin ma +vorneen!” rejoined the enquirer,—“the pot of Saint Patrick be upon +you, and may your honor live all the days of your life, and many years +longer, if that's all!—Arrah, but I'm plased to my heart's content +to meet wid your honor in a strange land!” + </p> +<p> +The congregated expectants now approached, and respectfully united their +congratulations with those of their respectable deputy.—“The pot of +Saint Patrick be upon you, and may your reverence live for ever and a day +afterwards!” It was in vain that Sir Felix offered them money. “No, the +devil a drap would they taste, unless it was wid his honor's own self, by +the holy poker!” + </p> +<p> +There was no remedy; so Sir Felix, with his friends Dash all and Tallyho, +who were much amused by this <span class="pagenum">[130]</span>unsophisticated +manifestation of Irish recognition, accompanied the motley groupe to the +blue-ruin shop.{1} +</p> +<p> +<a id="link3image-0004"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page130.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page130 Blue Ruin Shop "><br> +</div> +<p> +Entering then, the neighbouring den, of a licensed retailer of +destruction, the first object on whom the scrutinizing eye of the baronet +cast a glance, was his servant, regaling himself and his blowen with a +glass of the “right sort.” The indignant Sir Felix raised his cane, and +was about to inflict a well-merited chastisement, when the transgressor, +deprecating the wrath of his master, produced the full amount of the +cheque in mitigation of punishment, expressing his obligations to mother +Cummings for the preservation of the property. +</p> +<p> +“And who, in the devil's name,” asked the baronet, “is mother +Cummings?"{2} +</p> +<p> +“Och! a good sowl,” said the valet, “for all that, she keeps convanient +lodgings. And so your honor, just having got a drap too much of the cratur +last night, this girl and I took up our lodgings at mother Cummings's: +good luck to her any how! And if your honor will but forgive me this once, +I will, as in duty bound, serve you faithfully by night and by day, in any +or in no way at all at all, and never will be guilty of the like again as +long as I live, gra.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Blue-ruin, alias English Gin.—Not unaptly is this +pernicious beverage so denominated. It is lamentable to +observe the avidity with which the lower orders of society +in London resort to this fiery liquid, destructive alike of +health and morals. The consumption of gin in the metropolis +is three-fold in proportion to what it was a few years ago. +Every public-house is now converted into “Wine Vaults,” as +they are termed, which the venders of poison and their +account in; it is true, that the occupants are compelled to +sell beer also, but in many of these receptacles, there is +not even sitting room, and “something short,” is thus the +resource of men, women, and even children! + +2 This discreet matron has realized a very daccnt +competency, by keeping, in the Holy Land, a house of +accommodation for <i>single, men and their wives</i>.—When a +couple of this description require the asylum of her +hospitable roof, she demands possession of all the money +which the male visitor may have about him. This conceded, it +is told over, and carefully sealed up in the presence of its +owner, and left for the night in charge of the prudent +landlady. The party is then shewn into a room, and in the +morning the money is forth-coming to its utmost farthing. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[131]</span> Circumstances considered, and as this +had been his first offence, the servant, at the intercession of Dashall, +was let off with a reprimand only, and ordered home, a mandate which he +instantly and with many expressions of gratitude obeyed. +</p> +<p> +The baronet having adjusted this business to his satisfaction, directed +his attention to his newly acquired Munster friends, whom he not only +treated with a liberal potation of aqua vitæ, but in the warmth of his +kindly feelings, actually drank with them, a condescension infinitely more +acceptable to the generous nature of these poor-people, than was the more +solid proof which he left them of his munificence; and of which, until +absolutely forced upon them, they long and pertinaciously resisted the +acceptance. +</p> +<p> +Our party pursuing their route, entered Holborn, and ordered refreshment +at the George and Blue Boar Coffee-House; a place of excellent +accommodation, and convenient for persons coming from the West of England. +</p> +<p> +Here, while our perambulators amused themselves in conversation on the +occurrences of the morning, a chaise and four drove rapidly into the yard, +the postillions decorated with white ribbons, “denoting,” said Dashall, +“the successful denouement, perhaps, of a trip to Gretna Green.” His +conjecture was correct; the happy pair just arrived, had been rivetted in +the ties of matrimony by the far-famed blacksmith of Gretna.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 In tracing the pursuits of needy and profligate +adventurers, with whom this vast metropolis abounds beyond +that of any other capital in the world, wife-hunting is not +the least predominant. This remark we cannot better +illustrate than by introducing to the notice of our readers, +the following extraordinary detail, exhibiting in High Life, +atrocious premeditated villainy, and in the mediocrity of +female rank extreme and fatal cupidity. + +An anecdote has come to our knowledge within the last few +days which we think calls for publicity, as it may tend to +place on their guard those tender-hearted spinsters whose +sensibility of feeling may induce them for a moment to +forget that prudence which is at all times the best +safeguard of their sex. The circumstances which we shall +describe are considered quite unique among certain orders of +the sporting world; and the Hero of the Tale, from the +dashing completion of his plan, has obtained no small +importance in the eyes of his associates. + +To our purpose;—About a fortnight back, a person, we will +not call him a gentleman, the first letter of whose name is +not far re-moved from the last letter of the alphabet, and +who has been particularly distinguished for the dashing, +although not very meritorious affairs in which he has been +engaged, both on the turf and the road, as well as in the +stable, found himself (to use one of his own fashionable +phrases,) “hard up.” In plain terms, his Exchequer was +completely exhausted, and what was worse, his credit was +altogether “out at the elbows.” All ordinary, and, indeed, +almost all extraordinary modes of “raising the wind,” had +long since been worn threadbare. Something, however, must be +done; and to be “well done,” it must be “done quickly.” A +happy thought struck him. He had heard of a lady, some few +years beyond her “teens,” who was possessed of a pretty +round sum; he could not ascertain exactly how much, in her +own right. This was a prize which he thought it would be +most desirable to obtain. It was true, the lady was past +that age when passion is not at all times to be con-trolled; +but then certainly not so far advanced as to have abandoned +all hope of obtaining an agreeable husband, or not to be +perfectly convinced that her attractions entitled her to +entertain such an expectation. The only difficulty which +suggested itself, was the mode of introduction. Two heads +are better than one, and our hero called in a friend, to +whom he unfolded his scheme, and whose advice and assistance +he immediately bespoke. The friend had no scruples on the +subject, and at once became a partner in the plot. Means +were found to overcome the first impediment, and behold our +two gentlemen in the presence of the fair object of their +attack. The principal was immediately introduced as the +son of Sir George ——, a highly respectable Baronet of the +same name, but of a very different character. His manners +were chastened for the occasion, his appearance fashionable, +and his address distinguished by a warmth which the +acknowledged purpose of his visit, that of soliciting the +honor of being permitted to pay his addresses, in some +measure justified. The lady was not displeased: to all +appearance the connexion, which was thus offered to her was +most nattering; the son of a baronet, and one especially who +had expressed himself in a most disinterested manner, was +not to be dismissed without due deliberation; she, +therefore, with becoming frankness, consented to grant +another interview on the ensuing day. The friends were +punctual to the time appointed, and came in the carriage +(<i>pro tempore</i>) of the suitor. They were shown into the +drawing-room, and the conversation was mutually pleasing. At +length our hero proposed to the lady to take a short airing +in his carriage. At first she exhibited the usual coyness at +such an invitation from one, to whom she was almost a +stranger; but was ultimately bantered into a consent, and +accordingly dressed for a ride. Having taken her seat +between the two gentlemen, they engaged her on such topics +as they thought most amusing, and the time passed so +agreeably that she scarce knew where she was going, till she +had arrived at Barnet, on the north road. They stopped at +one of the principal inns, and alighting, a slight cold +repast was ordered. The convenient friend shortly after +quitted the apartment to look to the horses, and the <i>soi- +disant</i> son of the Baronet instantly commenced an +assault upon the lady's heart, which it would seem, was but +too well received. He protested that he had long sighed at a +distance, without having the courage to confess his flame; +and, in short, that he could not exist unless she became +his. The lady, whatever might be the feelings of her heart, +laughed at the warmth of his declarations. This only induced +him to become more impetuous; and at last, as a proof of his +sincerity, he proposed, as they were so far on the north +road, that they should order four horses, and set off at +once to Gretna Green. This produced additional merri-ment on +the part of the lady, which, as there was no specific +refusal, was taken for consent; and on the return of the +friend, he received a wink, which instructed him in the +course he was to pursue, and in a moment, four horses were +clapped to the travelling chariot in which they had arrived. +The lady was shortly afterwards handed to her seat, and, +accompanied as before, was whirled off with the utmost +velocity. She had gone thirty miles of the road, however, +before she believed that her lover was really serious. On +alighting at the end of the third stage, reflection came to +her aid, and she began to repent of having suffered herself +to be prevailed on to consent so far to what she still +pretended to believe was but a joke. On our hero quitting +the coom, she represented to his friend the utter +impossibility of proceeding further, and entreated that he +would take means to have her re-conducted to town. The +friend, however, who was too much interested in the success +of a plot so well commenced, endeavoured to dissuade her, by +every argument of which he was master, to go on; but she +positively refused; when, as the last resource, he +determined to work on her fears, and accordingly told her, +that Mr.—— had long spoken of her, in terms of impatient +rapture; that he was a man, unhappily, of a most passionate +temper, and that he had vowed, sooner than he would go back +to London without making her his wife, he would blow out his +brains, for which purpose he was provided with a brace of +pistols, then in his pocket, and double loaded. To this was +added the still more persuasive observation, that he was a +gentleman of family and fortune and figure, to whom no +rational objection could be taken by any woman whose heart +had not been previously engaged. The result was, that the +unfortunate woman, half consenting, half relenting, agreed +to go forward, and on they drove till they arrived full +speed at Gretna Bridge, in Yorkshire. Here a new difficulty +arose; our hero had exhausted his purse, and had not a +shilling left to enable him to complete his journey; his +good genius, however, had not deserted him, and, with that +effrontery for which he is distinguished, he called the +landlord into a private room, told him he was on his way to +Gretna Green with an heiress, again described himself to be +the son of a baronet, and finally requested him to give cash +for a cheque which he proposed drawing on a respectable +banking-house in town, (where, by the bye, he happened to +have no account.) The cause he assigned for his distress was +the suddenness of his flight from town. His appeal +proved successful, and he was furnished with the means of +completing his journey. Again the trio resumed their course, +and in the end reached the quarters of the celebrated +Blacksmith, who was immediately summoned to their presence. +Here another impediment threw them into fresh alarm; the +Blacksmith seeing the style in which they had arrived, and +judging from that circumstance that they were persons of no +mean consequence, refused to rivet their chains under a +douceur of One hundred pounds. This sum it was impossible, +at so short a notice, they could raise; and their hopes +would have been altogether frustrated, had not the eloquence +of our hero once more proved successful. He explained to the +venerable priest that their finances were but slender; and +having assured him of that fact, he induced him to accept of +Five pounds down, and a note of hand for Fifty pounds more. +The Gordian knot was then tied, and Mr. and Mrs.—— +having received the congratulations of their friend, who +witnessed the ceremony, returned to Gretna Bridge; where +they agreed to wait a few days, until a remittance for which +the lady, under some plausible excuse, was induced to draw, +had arrived. The necessary sum at length reached their +hands; the bill was dis-charged; the cheque upon which the +cash had been previously advanced, redeemed; and the party +pursued their journey back to the metropolis. + +On reaching London, the marriage ceremony was repeated in a +more formal manner, and thus all question of the validity of +the union was set at rest. Our hero had now to render +available the funds of his Lady; and in a morning <i>tete-a- +tete</i> requested some information as to the state of her +fortune? It was a subject, he said, of no great importance +in his estimation, but still he wished to know what she had? +The Lady candidly told him that all she had under her own +control, was £1,100 in the 5 per Cents, and a bond of her +brother's for £2,500 payable on demand. On the very same +day, the disinterested husband was found soliciting several +brokers in the city, to sell out the stock which his wife +had described, but they all declined, unless the lady were +present. This was an objection easily got over; he returned +to his wife, and having assigned some feasible reason for an +immediate want of ready cash, induced her to accompany him +to the market, where the value of the stock was soon +transferred into his pocket. + +The friends of the lady had by this time been apprised of +her marriage, and naturally felt anxious to ascertain the +character of the connexion which she had formed. She, of +course, repeated the story told her by her “Lord and +Master;” but inquiry having been made as to its truth, it +was found to be fictitious in all its main features. Her +husband, although of the same name, was not the son of Sir +George, nor was he at all connected with that family; and in +addition to this, it was ascertained that he was, as we have +already described him to be, a gentleman “much better known +than trusted.” It is needless to say that the feelings of +the lady were greatly agitated at these discoveries, and she +did not hesitate to upbraid her husband with his deceitful +conduct. His sensibility, however, was not to be excited +on such an occasion; he coolly told her he knew all she +could say on that subject without putting her to any further +trouble; and, in fine, confirmed all that she had heard to +his prejudice. She had taken him “for better for worse,” + and she must make the best of a bad bargain. The brother +of the lady now interfered; he had an interview with her +husband, and could not suppress the indignation which he +felt in his presence. Our hero had too long been accustomed +to the reverses of the sporting world to be easily ruffled; +he preserved his temper with admirable presence of mind, and +having heard the enraged brother to a conclusion, at last +very coolly replied, that “all he had said might be very +true, but that did not alter the fact that his sister was +his lawful wife; and further, that, as her husband, he held +a bond of his (the brother's) for £12,500, payable on +demand, and of which he requested immediate payment as he +was short of “the ready.” The cold-blooded gravity with +which this demand was made, incensed the brother still +more, and he gave vent to the feelings which were excited in +his breast. Our hero was in no respect thrown off his +guard, and at last, after having heard that the brother, as +well as the lady, whose eyes were now open to his real +character, would be glad to get rid of him on any terms; he +proposed to “do the thing,” what he called “handsomely,” and +with very little qualification suggested, that in order to +settle the business “amicably,” he had no objection to give +up his wife and her brother's bond for £1,000 in addition to +the £1,000 he had already received. Unprincipled as this +offer was, the brother, upon reflection, felt that he was +“in the jaws of the lion,” and therefore, after consultation +with his sister, who was but too happy in escaping from such +a companion, he agreed to the terms proposed. The £1,000 +was paid, the bond returned, and a separation mutually +agreed upon without further delay, to the infinite +satisfaction of our hero, who tells the adventure among his +friends with extra-ordinary glee, taking no small credit to +himself for its happy issue. We have suppressed the names of +the parties, for obvious reasons; there are those by whom +they will be immediately recognised. We wish, however, +not to give unnecessary pain to the individuals really +injured; and have only to hope the facts we have detailed +may operate as a sufficient caution to others who may be +placed in similar situations in future. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[135]</span> Sir Felix O'Grady was all a-gog to +learn from the postillions the names of the party, but nothing +satisfactory could be elicited. +</p> +<p> +Our trio now directed their progress along Holborn, in which route they +had advanced but a few minutes when their attention was arrested by a +concourse of people assembled at the door of a Linen-draper, who it seems +had detected a thief in the person of a pregnant woman. This information +excited the sympathy of our three friends, and they accordingly entered +the Shop. Tallyho entreated of the Linen-draper, that he would be merciful +to the unfortunate woman, in consideration of her being so far in a family +way. +</p> +<p> +“And yet, sir,” answered the Shopkeeper, “I fancy we shall be able to +relieve the lady without the assistance of a midwife.” The woman was then +taken into a back room and searched by two of her own sex. The result +<span class="pagenum">[136]</span>of this investigation was soon made +known.—The pregnancy was assumed, the better to evade suspicion; her +under garments were completely lined with hooks, to which were suspended, +in vast variety, articles of stolen property, including not only those of +light weight, viz. handkerchiefs, shawls, stockings, &c. but several +of less portable description, amongst which were two pieces of Irish +linen. These articles she had conveyed through an aperture in her upper +habiliment of sufficient dimensions to admit an easy access to the general +repository. The ingenuity of this invention created much surprise, and as +it greatly facilitated concealment and evaded detection, there is no doubt +of its having frequently produced a rich harvest. This female adept was +now committed to the charge of an officer, the Shopkeeper having +identified upon her person several articles of stolen property. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0009"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER IX +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Ladies,—the chariot waits;—the toilet now +Where erst so many hours were idly spent, +Asks of its wonted due the tythe alone;— +Braid then your tresses of luxuriant now, +And wrap your forms angelic in the dress +Simple, yet rich and elegant, that gives +Your matchless beauties half revealed to view; +The broad capacious bosom's luscious swell, +Still heaving strong, and suing to be prest;— +Grace then the vehicle.—We, observers +Of Real Life, the while, in London go +To “catch the living manners as they rise, +“And give the age its very form and pressure.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[137]</span> CONTINUING their route down Holborn, +the adventure in the Linen-draper's shop became the theme of conversation.—“It +is not alone,” said Dashall, “to the lower orders and necessitous that +this system of Shop-lifting is confined; many recent instances have +occurred of similar depredation, by women above the mediocrity of rank, +who, however, frequently contrive to compromise prosecution, while the +delinquent of poverty is visited by the utmost rigor of the law!—Of +the two, certainly the thief from habit is more culpable than the thief +from necessity.” + </p> +<p> +Sir Felix and the Squire entirely agreed with their friend in opinion.—“Shop-lifters,” + continued Dashall, “are as pernicious to the trading part of the community +as any of the cheats of London; there is not, on a moderate calculation, +less than 5000 of these artful thieves in the metropolis, and the +prejudice they do to the industrious tradesman is incalculable.” + </p> +<p> +“By the powers of safety, then,” exclaimed the baronet “the honest dealer +should consider every stranger a thief until further acquaintance.” + </p> +<p> +“Not exactly so; however, it is necessary that the London tradesman should +be upon his guard, and keep <span class="pagenum">[138]</span> a sharp +look out upon his customers, not knowing, by their appearance, whether +they are honest or otherwise."{1} +</p> +<p> +Turning from Holborn into Chancery Lane, our pedestrians were encountered +by a very handsome chariot, in which were two elegantly dressed and +beautiful women, who, ordering the carriage to stop, saluted Dashall and +the Squire in the most fascinating terms of friendly recognition. +</p> +<p> +“Your Ladyships render me,” said Dashall, “infinite happiness; this is a +most unexpected pleasure!” + </p> +<p> +“You are a gallant cavalier,” observed one of the lovely inmates, “another +gentleman would probably have used the word honor instead of happiness, +but you are fertile in felicitous expression.” + </p> +<p> +“Not more felicitous than appropriate; but whither away, my fair +captivators?” + </p> +<p> +“We are on a shopping expedition,” replied one of the ladies, “you and +your friend of Belville-hall, are observers of Life in London generally;—ours +is a mere circumscribed sphere of action; we go to view Life in a Mercer's +shop.—When the Squire and you are not more pleasantly engaged, give +us a call, and perhaps we may grant you the honor of an interview.—We +would ask the Unknown,” said she, in a whisper, “who is he?” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A thief from habit.—Not long since, there existed in +the fashionable world, a female of rank and property, who +was an habitual, expert, and incorrigible thief.—She would +frequently sally forth in her carriage, and alighting at the +doors of perhaps, half a dozen different tradesmen, rummage +over their goods, without mak-ing a purchase, and embrace +the opportunity of purloining any portable article that lay +in her way. Those tradesmen to whom her thieving +propensities were known, used to watch, carefully, her +manoeuvres, let her walk off with the spoil, and then send a +bill of depredation, which she uniformly, and without +hesitation, dis-charged. This unfortunate woman was one +morning detected in the shop of a Mercer to whom she was a +stranger, in the act of pilfering some article of value. He +was about to detain her, when she burst into an agony of +tears, acknowledged, and lamented deeply, the irresistible +infatuation under which she acted, disclosed her rank and +family, and the compassionate mercer suffered her to depart. + +At another time, being one of a card-party, a gold snuff-box +vanished from the table. Every person present denied any +knowledge of it;—“Madam, you are mistaken,” said one of the +company, “you have got the snuff-box in your pocket.”—“How +very <i>absent</i> I am!”exclaimed our heroine, producing the +box.—“And I beg that you will continue absent!” said the +lady of the mansion. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[139]</span> “Sir Felix O'Grady, Madam,” answered +Dashall, “an Irish baronet, of recent acquaintance; like every other +gentleman of the Emerald Isle, combining, with characteristic +eccentricity, a sound head and a warm heart.” + </p> +<p> +“Then, of all things, bring him with you.” “So,” waving gracefully her +hand, “adieu!” the trio responded, by respectfully raising their hats, “<i>Allons +donc</i>,” she exclaimed, and the carriage drove off. +</p> +<p> +“There go,” exclaimed Dashall, “two of the most lovely and accomplished +women in London, and perhaps the least tinctured with fashionable folly.” + </p> +<p> +“With the exception,” observed the Squire, “of shopping, that is, I +presume, making the morning tour of tradesmen's shops, tumbling over their +goods, giving them every possible trouble, and ultimately making no +purchase."{1} +</p> +<p> +Dashall admitted the correctness of the Squire's observation, as generally +applicable, but claimed an exemption for the ladies in question. +</p> +<p> +On the left, proceeding down Chancery Lane, Dashall pointed to a +respectable house as the occasional residence of a lady in the first class +of literature, whose writings have given universal satisfaction, and will +continue to be read with increased avidity, as conveying the most +admirable lessons of morality, told in a manner alike impressive and +pathetic;—Mrs. Op*e; the widow of the late celebrated artist. This +excellent woman is endeared to the circle of her numerous acquaintance by +a pre-eminent +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Tallyho had improved in his knowledge of Real Life in +London.—His definition of Shopping was perfectly correct. + +One of those fashionable female idlers, who delight in +occupying the time, and exercising the patience of the +industrious, alighted, a short time since, at the shop of a +tradesman in Ludgate-street, and after a couple of hours +spent in examining and re-examining a variety of rich silks, +made her election at last, and desired the mercer to cut her +off a shilling's worth, throwing, at the same time, the +money on the counter. The tradesman, with perfect coolness, +took up the piece of coin, laid it on a corner of the silk, +circum-scribed it with his scissors, and presented the part +so cut out to the lady, as the shilling's worth required. We +feel pleasure in recording the result. The lady admired the +mercer's equanimity of temper, laughed heartily at his +manner of illustrating it, and in atonement for trouble +given and patience exemplified, became, and still continues, +one of his most valued customers. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[140]</span> suavity of disposition, blended with +superior mental endowments; to the unfortunate by her benevolent heart, to +which the appeal of distress is never made in vain; and to the public +generally, by her invaluable works, the uniform tendency of which is the +advancement of virtue and the inculcation of the benign feelings of +humanity.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 To the admirers of Mrs. Op*e, the following lines, never +before published, will not prove unacceptable. + +TRIBUTE OF RESPECT. +O Thou of matchless power to raise +And bend the Passions to thy sway I— +Whose pen with magic force portrays, +Whose spell the shadowy forms obey. +Of Joy and Grief, of Hope and Fear, +And wiles from Apathy a tear,— +Enchantress! take the duteous lays +To Worth that Admiration pays. + +To thee, as to thy Op*e, given +On Immortality a claim; +His virtues pass'd from Earth to Heaven, +Yet still exist in deathless fame;— +His pencil to thy pen assign'd +To charm, instruct, and grace mankind!— +And Oh! could but my humble strains +To thy impressive skill aspire, +The Muse that faintly now sustains +Thy worth, would make poetic fire, +And glowing high, with fervid name, +Would graft her honors on thy name.— + +But ah! bereft of every stay, +From Hope exil'd, with Woe I keep +My vigils, each sad sorrowing day, +And wake, each dreary night, to weep!— +By Penury chill'd poetic powers, +No voice to soothe, no hand to save, +And snatch a victim from the grave,— +Around me Desolation lours, +And glaring, midst the deep'ning gloom, +Despair and Famine urge me to the tomb! + +If, all unmeet, my humble strain +Is destin'd still to flow in vain;— +Shouldst thou the tribute now refuse +Essayed by Misery and the Muse; +Reject not yet the lay with scorn, +To thee by kindred feelings borne;— +For still thy tales of plaintive tone +Breathe pain and sufferings, like mine own. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[141]</span> Facing the entrance to the Royal Wax +Works, Sir Felix made a full stop;—“That fellow,” said he, alluding +to the whole length figure of the Centinel, “stands as motionless as a +statue; by the powers, but half-a-dozen peep-o-day boys in his rear would +be after putting life and mettle in his heels!—Shoulder and carry +your arms, you spalpeen; and is this the way that you show the position of +a soldier?” at same time enforcing his admonition with a smart stroke of +his cane over the arm of the inanimated military representative. The +attendant, a young man in the costume of the Yeomen of the Guards, +remonstrated; Dashall and Tallyho laughed most immoderately; and the +baronet, equally enjoying the joke, persisted in affecting to believe, +that he was addressing himself to a living object, greatly to the +amusement of the now congregating street passengers. +</p> +<p> +“Begging your pardon, ray jewel,” continued Sir Felix, “long life and good +luck to you, in your stationary quarters, and may His Majesty never find a +more active enemy than yourself!—By the soul of my grandmother, it +would be well for poor Ireland, who has taken leave of her senses, if her +bog-trotting marauders were as peaceably inclined as you are.—Fait +and troth, but you're a fine looking lad after all, and with the +assistance of your master, and a touch of Prometheus, we might raise a +regiment of braver fellows than the King's Guards, without bounty or beat +of drum, in the twinkling of an eye, honey; but with your leave, and +saving yourself unnecessary trouble, we'll be after paying a visit to the +company above stairs; “and the party proceeded to the exhibition room.— +</p> +<p> +Here were representatives of the living and mementos of the dead! Kings +and Queens, Princes and Princesses, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Ah! cease the sad resemblance here!— +Thee, then, to every feeling dear +Of tender sympathy,—thy way +Illumin'd to life's remotest day. +In bliss, in worth, in talent shine, +Though pain, and want unsuccour'd, mine! +Adorning this terrestrial sphere, +Be long an Op*e's talents given; +And Virtue consecrate the tear +When call'd to join her native Heaven! + +A. K. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[142]</span> warriors, statesmen, poets, and +philosophers, in social communion: not forgetting the lady who had three +hundred and sixty-five children at a birth!!{1} +</p> +<p> +The baronet made many congees to the great and inferior personages by whom +he was surrounded, admired the heterogeneity of the group, and regretted +that their imperfect creation precluded the possibility of converse. +</p> +<p> +One of the figures, by an unobserved excitement of the attendant, now +inclined its head to Sir Felix, who, nothing daunted, immediately assumed +the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, and exclaimed, +</p> +<p> +“Nay, if thou canst nod, speak too! if our graves And charnel houses give +those we bury back, Our monuments shall be the maws of kites.” + </p> +<p> +The company present pronounced the baronet a player, and a lady, to whom +the manly and athletic form of the supposed tragedian had given apparent +pleasure, assured him she had never heard the passage more impressively +delivered, and that certainly, in the character of the Scottish Usurper, +there was no doubt of his becoming to Mr. Kran a very formidable rival! +</p> +<p> +Sir Felix sustained his part admirably, expressing his high acknowledgment +of the lady's favorable opinion; but the enquiry when and in which +theatre, he meant to make his first appearance, had so nearly deranged his +gravity and that of his two friends, as to induce them to hasten their +retreat. +</p> +<p> +Dashall and Tallyho congratulated the baronet on his promising dramatic +talent, and advised him still further to court the favors of the tragic +Muse. +</p> +<p> +“May the devil burn the tragic Muse!” he exclaimed; +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Thus runs the legend.— + +A lady in former times, who, it seems, like some of our +modern visionaries, was an enemy to superabundant +population, and would have restricted the procreation of +children to those only who could maintain them; was applied +to for alms by a poor woman, with no less than five little +famishing urchins in her train. The haughty dame not only +refused to relieve the unfortunate mendicant, but poured +upon her a torrent of abuse, adding that she had no right to +put herself in the way of having children whom she could not +support.—The woman dropped on her knees, and prayed “that +the lady might have as many children at one birth as there +were days in the year!” and so, (as the legend runs,) it +actually happened! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[143]</span> “Arrah, give me the favors of that +sweet pretty crature, the comical Muse at the Wax-works, who took me for a +player,—Och! the fascination of her smile and the witchery of her +eye before all the Muses that ever fuddled the brain of a garreteer!” + </p> +<p> +“Why baronet,” said the Squire, “you are love-struck,—deeply +lurched,—taken in by the knowing one!” + </p> +<p> +“Taken in, that is as it may hereafter happen, but an Irishman, my jewel, +is never so desperately in love with one girl but he can spare a bit of +affection for another. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Sure love is the soul of a nate Irishman, +He loves all that's lovely, loves all that he can +With his sprig of shilleleagh and shamrock so green.”— +</div> +<p> +The three friends had now rounded the corner at the bottom of +Fleet-street, in the direction of Blackfriars, when Dashall claimed the +attention of his associates.— +</p> +<p> +“This is the domicil,” said he, “of the patriotic Alderman, who, during so +many years has uniformly and ably opposed the civic hirelings of +Corruption, advocated the cause of Freedom, and acquired the well-earned +meed of high estimation by all the respectable and independent portion of +his fellow-citizens. +</p> +<p> +“Firm in principle, and resolute in difficulty, the conscientious +discharge of his duty has ever been his prominent object. But perhaps in +no instance has he so greatly endeared himself to humanity, than in that +of the long protracted inquest on the bodies of the two unfortunate men, +Honey and Francis, the victims of military outrage; his constant +attendance and indefatigable exertions on that occasion, were the means of +eliciting many particulars which otherways might not have been known, and +which ultimately led the Jury to record the atrociousness of the crime by +the several verdicts of murder and manslaughter. +</p> +<p> +“Again, on the memorable day of the funeral of these two immolated men, +Mr. W. in his capacity of Sheriff, supported with becoming dignity, his +high station, and undaunted amidst imminent danger, enforced obedience +even from the military, and saved the effusion of human blood.” + </p> +<p> +London exhibits, daily, a series of depravity perhaps unparalleled in any +other part of the British Empire.— +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[144]</span> Dashall had just finished his eulogium +on the worthy Alderman, in which his friends heartily coincided, when the +attention of the triumvirate was attracted by the appalling appearance of +five men rivetted together, and conducted along the street by officers of +justice. Tallyho enquired into the nature of their crimes, and was +informed that they were in custody under suspicion of house-breaking in +the night-time, and that two of them, particularly, had been taken in the +house which they had plundered, regaling themselves, in perfect ease, with +cold meat, wine, and liquors, and the stolen property tied up in a bag, +with which, on the moment of alarm, they attempted an escape, but were +intercepted in their retreat, and taken in charge by the officers after a +desperate resistance, in which shots and hurts were received both by the +victors and the vanquished. It is almost beyond belief, that men engaged +in an enterprise wherein ignominious death awaits discovery, would sit +down to regale themselves after having secured their booty, with as much +composure, as if in their own homes; yet so it is; such is the daring +callousness of mind attached to long confirmed and successful habits of +guilt.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Police. Mansion House.—William Johnson was charged by Mr. +Miller of Lower Thames Street, on suspicion of having com- +mitted a robbery on Thursday night, under circumstances of +rather an extraordinary kind.. Mr. Miller's evidence was to +the following effect. He has a cut glass and earthenware +warehouse in Thames Street, but does not reside there. Upon +visiting his warehouse yesterday morning, he found that +thieves had been very busy upon the concern the night +before. They did not get much, but while they were in the +house they enjoyed themselves. They lighted a fire, and paid +a visit to the wine-cellar, from which they took two bottles +of wine and three bottles of perry, which it seemed they +drank warm with sugar, and Mr. Miller received a very polite +letter from one of them, acknowledging the obligations they +were under to him for the excellent beverage his cellar +afforded. Upon examining other parts of the premises. Mr. +Miller found that his iron chest had been forced open. The +instrument (a large chissel) with which this feat was +performed was lying on the premises, and a dark lanthorn, +which the thieves had forgotten, was also picked up in the +course of the search. The petty cash drawers of the iron +chest lay open empty, but Mr. Miller believed there had been +in them when he left the Warehouse, a sum perhaps not +exceeding a couple of pounds. The bills and papers were not +taken away, neither had any thing been removed that was +likely to be recovered. Some silver cruet-tops were taken, +but the cruets were left behind. The chissel, which, +though very strong, had been broken in the effort to open +the chest, was of the largest size. All the rooms of the +building, except those in front, had been visited by the +depredators, and there were various circumstances concurring +to fix a very strong suspicion on the prisoner, besides the +probability that he was the writer of the letter “of thanks” + to Mr. Miller for the entertainment afforded. The letter, +which was written in a good hand, began with the word +“Gemmen,” and stated that they (the writer and his friends) +had called, regretted that there was no “<i>wassel in the +lob</i>,” (money in the chest) but expressed the highest +opinion of the wine, begged pardon for disturbing the +papers, and expressed how happy those who drank the wine +would be to visit the premises upon a future occasion! The +prisoner was remanded. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[145]</span> It sometimes happens that even juvenile +depredators who have imbibed a propensity for liquor, have been caught in +the snare thus laid by themselves. Of this fact Dashall gave the following +very curious illustration.—“A few evenings ago,” said he, “the +family of my next door neighbour retired to rest, leaving every thing, as +they imagined, in a state of perfect security. On the servant however, +coming down stairs in the morning, he was surprised to find a new and +unexpected inmate, fast asleep in the kitchen, a quantity of plate packed +up lay by his side, and before him were a bottle of brandy and another of +wine. He was a lad not more than sixteen years of age, who had ingeniously +contrived, in the nighttime, to get access to the house, and having +secured his spoil, had resorted to the pantry and wine-cellar for +refreshment. Of the stores from the latter receptacle, he had partaken so +liberally that he was thrown into a deep slumber, from which he was roused +by the unwelcome voice of the Officer who had been sent for to take him +into custody.” + </p> +<p> +Our perambulators had now passed along the bridge, and advanced a short +distance on Blackfriar's road, when they observed a spacious travelling +caravan, stationary by the side of the high way, intimating that there was +to be seen within, the great northern bear, known by the name of “Autocrat +of All the Russias,” while a fellow with a speaking tube invited in the +most alluring terms of itinerant oratory, the gaping multitude to walk in,—“Walk +in, ladies and gentlemen, and behold this most wonderous of all wonders +that ever was wondered at in this wonderful world,—the <i>Ursa major</i>,—that +gives its name to one of the constellations, and was taken by a <i>ruse de +guerre</i> in one of the hitherto undiscovered deserts of the remotest +Siberia! This stupendous animal was sent from these unknown regions as a +present to a certain great personage in this country, who having a +superabundancy of native bears already prowling about him, was pleased to +order the dismission of this northern stranger, without a pension; and +thus it came into the possession of its present exhibiter!” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[146]</span> This irresistible invitation was +accepted by several of the auditory, including the baronet, Dashall, and +the Squire, who were gratified beyond their anticipations, with a sight of +the great polar bear, the desolate inhabitant of a frigid and dismal +clime, where Nature has forbid the vegetative, and stinted the growth of +the animal creation, with the exception of the shaggy wanderer of the +desert and the floundering leviathan of the ocean. The animal was +perfectly tractable; and its exhibition well compensated both for time and +gratuity. +</p> +<p> +The proprietor, however, in answer to an enquiry apart by Dashall, +acknowledged that his Ursine companion had never been attached to the +household of any great personage; although a northern quadruped of lesser +interest was under the protection of one of the Royal Dukes and frequently +played its mischievous gambols in the environs of Kensington Palace.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The Bear at Kensington Palace. Early on Sunday morn-ing it +was discovered, that a large black bear, sent as a present +to His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex, had contrived to +break out of his cage, which was placed in a coach-house, +and Bruin, having an inclination to explore these premises, +containing a hand-some new chariot, mounted the foot-board, +and began to play with the tassels; he next ascended the +roof and the box, the covering of which became a prey to his +claws; after enjoying himself as an outside passenger, as +long as he thought proper, he proceeded to examine the +interior of the vehicle, and turning from the box, made his +entre through the front windows into the carriage, which +bore serious marks of his savage curiosity. No one dared to +approach this northern visitor, and in order to prevent +further depredations in his probable rambles, guards were +placed, with fixed bayonets, until some keepers arrived from +a Menagerie, who secured him, after great difficulty, in one +of their strong cages. +</div> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0010"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER X +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Oh the dear pleasures of the velvet plain, +The painted Tablets, deal't and deal't again +Cards, with what rapture, and the polish'd die +The yawning chasm of indolence supply. +Then to the Dance and make the sober moon +Witness of joys that shun the sight of noon. +Blame cynic if you can, quadrille or ball, +The snug close party, or the splendid hall, +“Where night down stooping from her ebon throne +Views constellations brighter than her own. +?Tis innocent and harmless, and refined, +The balm of care, elysium of the mind.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[147]</span> THE rapid succession of novelty in a +Life in London where the scenes like those of a Pantomime are constantly +changing +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“From grave to gay, from lively to severe,” + </div> +<p> +scarcely required those attentions which the Hon. Tom Dashall continued to +enjoy on the score of arrangements for the gratification and information +of his cousin. He was ever watchful of opportunities to furnish new views +of Real Life and character to Tallyho, and who never failed to profit by +his observations upon Men and manners: for Tom, notwithstanding the gaiety +of his disposition, was an acute and discerning companion, who having +mingled in all ranks and degrees of Society, was able to associate himself +with the high or the low, as circumstances might require, and to form +tolerably accurate estimates of those by whom he was surrounded. +</p> +<p> +It was, therefore, with his usual view to the accomplishment of his cousin +as a votary of Real Life in London, that he had proposed a visit to a +fancy dress Ball at Almack's, and preparations had accordingly been made +between them. +</p> +<p> +“A Fancy dress Ball,” said Tom, in order to give his cousin an idea of the +entertainment he was to partake, “bears some similitude to a Masquerade, +with two important exceptions: first, Masks are not general; and second, +<span class="pagenum">[148]</span> No practical Jokes are expected or +admitted. Dress however, is left wholly to the taste or inclination of the +visitors, and the amusements consist principally of dancing and cards. The +Rooms are of the most splendid description, and the company generally of +the first order; combining all that is elegant and fashionable in what is +termed the higher ranks of society,—'Tis said +</p> +<p> +<a id="link3image-0005"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page148.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page148 Almacks "><br> +</div> +<div class='pre'> +“If once to Almacks you belong, +Like monarchs you can do no wrong. +But banish'd thence on Wednesday night, +By Jove you can do nothing right. +I hear (perhaps the story false is,) +From Almacks, that he never waltzes +With Lady Anne or Lady Biddy, +Twirling till he's in Love, or giddy. +The girl a pigmy, he a giant, +His cravat stiff, her corset pliant. +There, while some jaded couple stops, +The rest go round like humming tops. +Each in the circle with its neighbour +Sharing alternate rest and labour; +While many a gentle chaperon +As the fair Dervises spin on, +Sighs with regret that she was courted, +Ere this new fashion was imported. +Ere the dull minuet step had vanished, . +With jigs and country scrapers banished. + +But —— whose energy relaxes +No more revolves upon his axis, +As sounds of cymbal and of drum +Deep clanging from the orch'tra come, +And round him moves in radiance bright +Some beauteous beaming sattelite. +Nor ventures as the night advances, +On a new partner in French dances, +Nor his high destiny fulfilling +Through all the mazes of quadrilling, +Holds, lest the figure should be hard +Close to his nose a printed card, +Which for their special use invented, +To beaus on entrance is presented. +A strange device one must allow, +But useful as it tells them how +To foot it in their proper places, +Much better than their partners faces. + +Mark how the married and the single, +In yon gay groupes delighted mingle: +Midst diamonds blazing, tapers beaming, +Midst Georges, Stars, and Crosses gleaming. +We gaze on beauty, catch the sound +Of music, and of mirth around. +And discord feels her empire ended +At Almacks—or at least suspended.” + </div> +<p> +“Zounds,” said Dashall, “I am happy to see the Rooms so well attended this +evening, and particularly to find Mr. Maitland and his two lovely sisters. +Do you observe,” continued he, “that Gentleman in Regimentals on the +opposite side?” + </p> +<p> +“I do, and is he in the Army?” enquired Bob “No,” replied Tom, “that is +only an assumed character for the Evening, but I must introduce you to +them, though the Ladies are considered to be sharp shooters with their +eyes, therefore it will be necessary for you to be on your guard.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“I've heard that by a single glance +Strange witchery is sometimes done, +And only by a look askance, +Ladies have many a lover won.” + </div> +<p> +The elegant and tasteful illuminations of the Room, the sprightly sound of +the music by a well selected band, and the gay movements of the well +dressed circles, were attractive in the mind of Tallyho, and alternately +rivetted his attention, while his cousin was as frequently addressed and +congratulated by his friends. +</p> +<p> +“My Dear Tom,” said Maitland, who was lounging round the Room with his two +sisters, and who seemed to consider himself the rose of the party by the +affected levity of a military character, “I am glad to see you—'pon +Honor—just going to make up a quadrille—know you are a good +dancer—list you in my Corps with Misa Maitland's permission—but +can't be denied 'pon Honor.” + </p> +<p> +“That is very gallant, truly,” replied a lovely and interesting girl, his +eldest sister. “With my permission, and yet he won't be denied.” + </p> +<p> +“If Miss Maitland were to command,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “denial +were impossible, disobedience were disgrace and dishonor.”—bowing +politely to the Ladies. +</p> +<p> +“Vastly pretty indeed Mr. Dashall, and to speak the truth I am very glad +to find you here; for you know my brother is but a nobody, except when he +shews himself off in Regimentals:” replied Miss Maitland. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[150]</span> “Aye, and we want somebody to talk to,” + continued her sister. +</p> +<p> +“'Pon my word, this is strange ill usage,” said Maitland.-“I shall +desert.” + </p> +<p> +“Nay,” said Tom, “there is no need of that: but if you do, the ladies +shall not be deserted while I have a hand at their service, and I believe +I may venture to offer additional protection on the part of my Cousin.” + </p> +<p> +Bob nodded assent, and assured the party he was proud of the honor of the +introduction; while Maitland eyed him from top to toe, and was heartily +laughed at by his sisters, which not a little mortified him. +</p> +<p> +“If that's the case,” said he, taking out his quizzing-glass, and staring +each of them in the face in succession, “why I've nothing more to say upon +it, so come along, I am anxious for a dance.” The music just at the moment +striking off, a Quadrille was formed, but the younger sister having +declined dancing, Bob, who had no great inclination to “trip it on the +light fantastic toe,” had a good opportunity of following her example, and +during the dance they amused themselves with observations on the dresses +and manners of the company before them, in the course of which he +discovered that Maitland was something of the fashionable insipid, and not +very high in the general estimation of the Ladies, and the contrast +between the easy and graceful movements of the Hon. Tom Dashall, with +those of Maitland braced up in military uniform, and dancing with the +stiffness of a Halbert, afforded them high amusement, it brought to +Tallyho's recollection a French Dancing Master in the country, who, upon +the occasion of his annual Ball, perceiving a gentleman and lady in person +and figure perfectly contrasted, the latter being short and stout, and the +former tall and thin, addressed the Gentleman in the following +complimentary stile, as well as his broken English would admit, “Ma dear +sare—bien obligé—ah! ma goot sare—you vill do me the +honneur to lead off de next dance—you do dance as de <i>Poker</i>, +and your Lady she do dance as de <i>Butter fierke</i>”—(meaning a +butter firkin.) The allusions were exactly in point, and the company +within hearing, did not suffer the sarcasm to escape unnoticed. How far +the observations were well timed by the dancing master, or well received +by the loving couple, is not our business here to enquire. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[151]</span> Miss Caroline Maitland was about 20 +years of age, of a most prepossessing and engaging form, fond of dress and +full of vivacity with no mean conception of her own wit or captivating +powers, her attire was elegant and shewy, almost approaching to the gaudy, +rather than the selection of refined Taste and Judgment. +</p> +<p> +Miss Amelia was about 19 with features calculated to make conquest certain +where the attack was not made on hearts of stone, the simple modesty of +her wardrobe seemed rather to indicate the thoughtful and contemplative +mind, rich in its own resources, and requiring no foil to render +conspicuous its real value, her auburn locks parted in the front, +discovered a fine well arched forehead, from under which darted glances +from her beautiful dark eyes, that when purposely directed for +observation, spoke volumes to the heart. Unadorned by the feathers which +waved in majestic splendor over the temples of her sister as she threaded +through the mazy windings of the dance, she attracted the attention of the +company in a much greater degree than the dress-delighted Caroline. Her +figure was neither well nor ill formed, but the open and animated +expression of her countenance, together with the graces of her mind, would +in the opinion of all judicious thinkers, have been considered as a +compensation for the absence of beautiful form. Her whole appearance +however, was not only pleasing, it was prepossessing, while her manners +and conversation were captivating. Bob gazed and admired, listened and was +charmed. +</p> +<p> +The Hon. Tom Dashall was at the same time fully occupied in his attentions +to the other sister, but could not occasionally help a sly glance at Bob, +indicative of the pleasure he derived from seeing his cousin thus engaged. +</p> +<p> +The Quadrille being over, “Come,” said Col. Maitland, “we must go and have +a peep at the Card Tables, and enquire how the cash moves, for you know if +your aunt is losing her money, she will be as cross as the——” + </p> +<p> +“Silence Charles,” said his sister, “remember you have no occasion to make +such observations here, why you might almost as well entertain us with a +pedigree of the family, as expose the tempers and dispositions of your +relations; besides I am sure the party alluded to would feel herself very +much offended to hear such conversation in a Ball room. It is neither a +fit time or place;”—and with <span class="pagenum">[152]</span> +this, each of his sisters seizing an arm, led him towards the Card Room, +alternately schooling him as they passed along, and leaving our Heroes to +draw their own conclusions from what had occurred. +</p> +<p> +“Thus it is,” said Tom, “that a Commander in the field is obliged to be an +obedient in the Ball Room, he is however a very poor creature at the best +of times, and depends more upon the abilities of others than his own for +the appearance he makes in the world, and is rather to be looked at than +admired and esteemed. Here,” continued he, “I shall have an opportunity of +introducing you to a character of another kind, here is my friend Dick +Distich, a logger of Rhyme, a poet and a contemplative philosopher, he is +recently married, but appears to be without his rib.” + </p> +<p> +“My dear friend Dashall,” exclaimed a tall thin man advancing and catching +him by the hand, “I am glad to see you, for I am bewildered and lost.” + </p> +<p> +“Good,” replied Tom, “then I am very glad to have found you, what is the +Reward—are you advertised—are your manuscripts stolen, or is +your Library on Fire? Has the good woman brought forth twins or +disappointed your hopes?” + </p> +<p> +“Walk this way,” replied the other, “you are a happy fellow, always +gamesome and gay, but I know you have a fellow feeling for all mankind, +and will pour the balm of pity into a wounded heart.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds,” said Tom, “you attack a body with a mouthful of pity, and a +heart full of wounds at a strange time, for the introduction of such +subjects. What can you mean, probably you appear here as the knight of +?the woeful countenance, with a determination to support the character to +the end of the chapter. Why you look as melancholy as a mute, and one +would almost fancy you were making a funeral visit, instead of attending a +Mask'd +</p> +<p> +“I have enough to make me so,” was the reply, “I shall be brief in my +narrative, in order that I may not interfere with your enjoyments, and you +know that mine are of another kind. I am routed from home.”— +</p> +<p> +“How do you mean?” + </p> +<p> +“Thus it is then, you know I am a plain man, a quiet man, a civil and +humble man. I hate Balls and Routs, but my wife and I differ in taste. She +has determined <span class="pagenum">[153]</span> on having a Rout at +home, and it proves no misnomer with me, for Heaven knows they rout me +from Study to Drawing Room, from Drawing Room to Chamber, and all because +truly my little woman must have her party.” + </p> +<p> +“And why not?” enquired Tom. +</p> +<p> +“Why man for this reason, you must know I had myself the sweetest little +sanctuary in the world. I had gothicised my Study, its walls were painted +in imitation of oak, my books were arranged with the most unauthor-like +neatness, my prints hung, my casts and models all bracketed, and all have +vanished like the +</p> +<div class='pre'> +—baseless fabric of a vision.” + </div> +<p> +“And is this your misery,” said Tom, “upon my soul I began to think you +had lost your wife; but it seems you have only lost your wits. What the +devil did you expect when you joined issue—to live as you have done +like a hermit in a cell? Well if this is all I do pity you indeed.” + </p> +<p> +“But you have not heard half yet. The whole house is transformed.” + </p> +<p> +“And I think you ought to be reformed,” continued Tom. +</p> +<p> +Notwithstanding the lightness and satire with which our Hero appeared to +treat the subject, poor Distich was not to be stayed in his course. +</p> +<p> +“Ah!” said he, with a sigh, “In vain did Cicero strain his neck to peep +over Burke on the Sublime and Beautiful—Shakespeare beard Blair's +Sermons and Humphrey Glinkert or Milton's sightless balls gleam over Sir +Walter Scott's Epics—all, all, is chaos and misrule. Even my +greenhouse over my head which held three ci-devant pots of mignonette, one +decayed mirtle, a soi-disant geranium and other exotics, which are to +spring out afresh in the summer—my shrubs are clapped under my +couch, and my evergreens stuck over the kitchen fire place, are doomed to +this unpropitious hot-bed, in order to make room for pattens, clogs, +cloaks, and shawls, for all the old maids in Town.” + </p> +<p> +Tom bit his lip to stifle a laugh, and treading lightly on the toe of his +cousin, had so strongly excited Tallyho's risibility, that it was with +difficulty he resisted the momentary impulse. +</p> +<p> +The routed Benedict continued—“Our Drawing Room, <span +class="pagenum">[154]</span>which conveniently holds ten persons, is to be +the black hole for thirty—My study, dear beloved retreat, where +sonnets have been composed and novels written—this spot which just +holds me and my cat, is to be the scene of bagatelle, commerce, or any +thing else that a parcel of giggling girls may chuse to act in it,—my +statues are converted—Diabolus is made to hold a spermaceti candle, +while the Medicean nymph, my Apollo Belvidere, and my dancing fawn, being +too bulky to move, are adorned with aprons of green silk, because forsooth +Betty says they are vastly undecent with nothing on them, and my wife is +quite certain “that no one will visit us, unless we do as other people +do.” Alas! until the success of my last poem, we never cared about other +people, and I am now absolutely turned out, to make room for them, and +advised to come here to-night in order to prepare myself for the +approaching festivity.” + </p> +<p> +Dashall was unable to contain himself longer, and Bob, who had been for +some time stuffing his white cambric handkerchief into his mouth, could no +longer resist the laugh he had been trying to avoid. They look'd +alternately at each other, and then at the doleful complainant, who with +unaltered features sat for a moment between his laughing companions, till +perceiving the ridiculous situation he was in, he rose from his seat and +hastily left the room. +</p> +<p> +Our friends then took a further survey of the company without making any +additional remark except upon the view of the various elegant and tasteful +dresses exhibited, the grace and agility of the dancers, and the +brilliance of the decorations, when supper was announced. +</p> +<p> +Moving onward to the Supper Room, they again encountered poor Distich, who +although he had no relish for the generality of the amusements, declared +he would not quit till he had supped: after which, Tom determined if +possible to drive away the blue devils, who seemed to have occupied his +brain. For this purpose he listened to his additional complaints, and +filling his glass at every pause, became lively and agreeable, as the +toast was circulated, till the invigorating effects of the bottle sunk him +again, and at length putting him into a hackney coach, they dispatched him +in good order to his Rib; after which they took their departure towards +Piccadilly.<span class="pagenum">[155]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0011"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“I be one of they sailors who think 'tis no lie +That for every wherefore there should be a why, +That by fortune's strange weather a calm or a squall, +Our births, good or bad are chalk'd out for us all: +That the stays and the braces of Life will be found +To be some of 'em rotten, and some of 'em sound. +Thus the good we should cherish, the bad never seek, +For death will too soon bring each anchor apeak.” + </div> +<p> +IT was half past eleven o'clock before our friends approaching the +breakfast parlour, had an opportunity of congratulating each other on the +amusements of the previous evening, when the Hon. Tom Dashall ever upon +the active look-out for the most pleasureable amusements to occupy the +mind and attention of his cousin, observing it was a very tine morning, +proposed a ride to Greenwich, and with this object in view all being +prepared, it was not long before they were seated in the curricle. +</p> +<p> +“Greenwich,” said Tom, “is not a very long journey, nor do I know, +speaking of the town itself, independent of its surrounding attractions, +particularly to be admired, though it is a neat town, about five miles +from London Bridge, in the county of Kent, with a market on Wednesdays and +Saturdays. It is however, famous for an hospital for decayed Seamen, the +brave defenders of their native soil, who have fought and bled for their +king and country; thought to be the finest structure of the kind in the +world, and for an observatory built by Charles II. on the summit of a +hill, called Flamstead Hill, from the great astronomer of that name, who +was here the first astronomer Royal: and we compute the longitude from the +meridian of this place. It is also a place of great resort at holiday +time, for being so near London. The Lads and Lasses move off in groups to +Greenwich fair, and the amusements at those times are of so varying a kind +as almost to defy description. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The hills and dales are lined +With pretty girls all round.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[156]</span>And there are but few who have had an +opportunity, but have occasionally enjoyed a roll down this hill. The +roads leading to the sporting spot are to be seen clogged with coaches, +carts, and waggons, decorated with laurel, and filled with company, +singing their way down or up to participate in the frolics of Greenwich +fair. It is however, much more celebrated for its once having been a Royal +Palace, in which Edward VI. died, and Queen Mary and Queen Elizabeth were +born. On a part of the site of it, now stands the house belonging to the +Ranger of the Park at Greenwich, also a College called the Duke of +Norfolk's College, for the maintenance of 20 decayed Housekeepers, and +another called Queen Elizabeth's, as well as a Royal Naval asylum for the +orphans of Sailors and Marines; and although we are going down when there +is no fair to attract multitudes to the spot, I can still promise you more +solid entertainment in a review of these truly splendid and useful +national establishments, besides which, the town affords plenty of good +accommodation for refreshment and comfort.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had passed Westminster Bridge on their road. Bob thanked +his cousin for the information he had imparted, but as the objects and +subjects directly under his eye generally engrossed his immediate +attention, he could not resist the impulse of the moment, as they turned +the corner of the asylum wall, to remark that he had witnessed in many +instances before, a practice which appeared in and about London, of +chalking the walls, and perceiving in large letters “Dr. Eady 32 Dean +Street Soho,” enquired what was meant by it. +</p> +<p> +“That,” replied his cousin, “is one of the most ingenious modes of +advertising, hit upon in the Metropolis, and the Doctor at all events +deserves credit for the industry and perseverance he has manifested in +making his name known. It is not altogether new, for it has been +successfully practiced in popular elections. Men are sent out at night to +chalk the names of Candidates on walls and other places, to keep their +interest alive; but in all probability no one has ever before carried the +system to so great a length as this Doctor Eady, for it is scarcely +possible to travel ten miles round the metropolis without meeting with his +name, which naturally excites enquiry into the object and pretensions of +the chalked up Hero. You will also find in many cases that the proprietor +of the Bonassus has <span class="pagenum">[157]</span>lately adopted the +same system. It is a species of puffing which can hardly fail of producing +notoriety, and I have before observed, it matters but little to the +parties themselves by what means this is produced save and except the +avoidance of expence.” + </p> +<p> +“It is a curious scheme however,” replied Bob, “and I have two or three +times before intended to enquire its meaning.” + </p> +<p> +“There are numerous instances,” returned Tom, “in which the eccentricities +of an individual have blown him into notice, and puff'd fortune into his +pocket. Packwood of Gracechurch street, had many whims and fancies, and +acted upon the idea, that when a man's name is once up, he may go to bed, +or take a nod elsewhere. By making razor strops and a certain paste for +sharpening razors, he pasted his name on public credulity, and pocketed +the proceeds. His advertisements were frequently laughable, and he caught +his customers in their risible moments, wisely taking care never to laugh +himself, 'till he had realized the possibles. I remember in the year 1807, +he published a book, price “Two good Tower shillings,” containing his +advertisements, entitled “Packwood's whim, Packwoodiana, or the +Goldfinches nest, or the way to get money and be happy.” And to make the +publication worth the money, and that there might be no grumbling, An half +crown was according to the title-page, placed between the leaves.” + </p> +<p> +“That was no laughing matter, however,” said Bob, “he could not have got +rich by such means.” + </p> +<p> +“You must not trust the title-pages of books,” replied Tom, “no more than +the advertisements of Quacks, or the looks of persons. The half crown was +not visible, or at least not tangible. It proved to be an anecdote related +in the work. He however managed to circulate many copies, and it is +generally understood, gained considerable money by his pursuits. He has +left the benefit of his invention to his daughter, who now lives in Bride +Lane, Fleet Street. But a more prominent character of recent times was the +late celebrated Martin Van Butchell, whose name and fame are well known to +Newspaper readers, and whose personal appearance at all times, excited in +London the attention of the spectators. He was rather a tall man with a +very long beard, and used to ride a short pony sometimes, spotted all over +with a variety of colours.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[158]</span> “He must have cut a curious figure,” + said Bob, “certainly, but what building have we here?” + </p> +<p> +“That,” replied his communicative cousin, “is The New Bethlem for the care +and cure of lunatics. Bethlem was formerly situated on the South side of +Moorfields, but as that building was hastening to decay, this elegant +receptacle for its inmates has been prepared. It is not a little curious +to remark, that it now occupies a part of that ground which was formerly +devoted to mirth and revelry, The Dog and Duck Tea Gardens, the scene of +many a frolic. The structure was designed by Mr. Lewis, and executed at an +expence of £95,000. It is 580 feet in length, and capable of receiving in +this front 200 patients. Another line of building extending to the South, +is designed to admit an equal number, as well as 60 lunatics, the charge +of which latter department, exclusively belongs to Government. The ground +around it, occupying twelve acres, is devoted to the exercise of the +patients.” + </p> +<p> +They were now dashing along the road towards the Elephant and Castle, when +Bob was attracted by the appearance of the Philanthropic Chapel and +School, which his cousin dismissed in a few words, by observing it was the +school of reform, which he had alluded to, when last in the vicinity of +Blackfriars, and which deserved more attention than he could just then +give it. So touching up the tits in prime twig, they pushed on to the +originally proposed place of destination. +</p> +<p> +Having arrived at Greenwich, and partaken of some refreshment, our heroes +proceeded immediately to the Hospital; the magnificent appearance of which +had an evident effect upon Tallyho, as he gazed upon its exterior, and +some of its venerable inhabitants taking their peaceable walks before it, +while others were seated on accommodating benches, viewing the vessels +passing up and down the river. +</p> +<p> +“Why,” said Bob, “this Hospital is more like a Palace.” + </p> +<p> +“It is,” replied Tom, “a noble monument of National gratitude to its +defenders, who deserve to be protected and assisted when disabled for +service. Here the lame, the wounded, and the aged, are enabled to spin out +the thread of a useful existence, in comfortable retirement. It was +founded by William and Mary for invalid seamen, and many an old Commodore +and gallant hardy Tar is <span class="pagenum">[159]</span> preserved in +this establishment, after being doused from his pins, to puff old sorrow +away and sing, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Yet still I am enabled +To bring up in life's rear, +Although I'm quite disabled +And lie in Greenwich tier. +The King, God bless his Majesty, +Who sav'd me from the main, +I'll praise with Love and Loyalty, +But ne'er to sea again.” + </div> +<p> +“You perceive,” continued he, “that the costume of the place is a suit of +blue, with proper distinctions of rank and station allotted to each.” + </p> +<p> +“But,” inquired Bob, “some of them appear to have their coats turned +inside out; is that according to choice?”—“Not so,” replied Tosi, +“that is a mark of disgrace, by way of punishment, for some errors or +improprieties of which they have been guilty; and there are some, in spite +of misfortune, who cannot forget former times, and occasionally verify the +words of the song— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“So in misfortune's school grown tough, +In this same sort of knowledge, +Thinking mayhap I'd had enough, +They sent me here to College. + +And here we tell old tales and smoke, +And laugh while we are drinking; +Sailors, you know, will have their joke, +E'en though the ship were sinking. + +For I while I get grog to drink +My wife, or friend, or King in, +?Twill be no easy thing, I think, +D—— me to spoil my singing.” + </div> +<p> +And although used to severe discipline on board a ship, they do sometimes +forget what they are subject to here, and “slip the cable upon an ocean of +grog,” grow dizzy over the binnacle, unship the rudder, lose their +calculations, and stand too far out to sea to reach the intended Port; but +more of this presently. You perceive this magnificent structure consists +of four grand buildings, completely separated from each other; yet forming +a very entire and most beautiful plan—especially viewed from the +river, which runs in the front of it. Here the comforts and <span +class="pagenum">[160]</span> conveniences of the hardy veterans, who have +faced the enemies of their country in many fearful encounters, are +studied, when they can no longer give the word of command, or answer it in +such active services. The four different buildings you now see, contain +accommodations for bed and board for about 2600 persons of different ranks +and stations; and you may perceive by those you have before you, that the +ranks they have formerly held in his Majesty's employ are still visible in +their outward habiliments.” + </p> +<p> +They were now in the centre of the building, approaching the edge of the +Thames, on whose bosom were seen sundry small vessels, gliding in majestic +pride; and perceiving a seat capable of holding four or five persons, in +the corner of which sat an old weather-beaten tar, in a gold-laced hat and +coat, with a wooden leg, who was watching with apparent delight one of the +larger vessels, with all her sails set to catch the breeze; they took a +seat alongside of him. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “we may here at «ase survey the +exertions of such as still retain the power, and contemplate the comforts +of those who no longer have powers to exert.” The Pensioner remained in +mute attention to the moving scene on the river, occasionally smiling and +squirting from his jaws the accumulating essence of his quid, seeming at +the same time to enjoy in retrospection scenes similar to what he had +formerly been engaged in, but without bestowing one look on our Heroes. +“There is a fine fresh breeze down the river,” continued Tom, addressing +the wooden legged warrior; and then a pause ensued—but no reply. +</p> +<p> +“It is a beautiful situation for retirement in old age,” said Bob. “I +should think, Sir,” said he, “that you must be very comfortable under this +protecting roof,” determined, if possible, to elicit something from the +hardy old Pensioner, approaching a little closer to him, and at the same +time to take his attention, respectfully moving his hat. +</p> +<p> +Tins address, however, was received with nearly the same effect as the +previous observations, except that the veteran moved his hat in return. +“He is a churlish old blade,” said Tom; thinking by this remark to rouse +and animate the blood of their taciturn companion.—“There seems to +be no intelligence in him. Pray, Sir,” continued he, “may I be so bold as +to inquire, laying his hand upon <span class="pagenum">[161]</span> his +knee, what is the name of that vessel on which you appear to bestow so +many anxious looks?” + </p> +<p> +Roused by the touch, he darted a hasty look at Tom, and then at Bob, +started hastily from his seat, held up his stick, as they supposed, in a +menacing attitude, then shouldering it, he marched, or rather hobbled, on +his wooden pin some paces from them, and, with an air of commanding +authority, returned in front of them, took off his hat, and began to +describe two lines on the gravel, but which was to them perfectly +unintelligible. +</p> +<p> +However, in a few minutes, the arrival of a younger Pensioner, with one +arm and a wooden stump, in breathless haste, informed them that the old +gentleman was deaf and dumb. +</p> +<p> +“God bless you, my worthy masters,” said the interpreter, who first paid +his respects to the old Commodore, “you have started my revered commander +on his high ropes; he is as deaf as the top-lights, and as dumb as a +stantion: two and twenty years ago, your Honors, he and I were both +capsized together on board; the shot that took off his leg splintered my +arm, and the doctor kindly took it off for me afterwards.” + </p> +<p> +“That was a lamentable day for you,” said Tom. “Why aye, for the matter of +that there, d'ye see, it disabled us from sarvice, but then we both of us +had some consolation, for we have never been separated since: besides, we +were better off than poor Wattie the cook, who had his head taken off by a +chain-shot, and was made food for sharks, while we are enabled to stump +about the world with the use of our remaining limbs, and that there's a +comfort, you know.” + </p> +<p> +During this introductory conversation, the old Commodore was intent upon +the work he had began, which, upon inquiry, was a sort of practical +description of the situation in which the ships were placed at the period +when he lost his limb. “He is now pouring in a broadside, and in +imagination enjoying a part of his life over again. It is a sorry sight, +my worthy Sirs, and yet upon the whole it is a cheerful one, to see an old +man live his time over again; now he is physicing them with +</p> +<p> +grape-shot—Bang—Bang—like hail—my eyes how she +took it—Go it again, my boys, said the old Commodore—Ditto +repeated, as the Doctor used to say. D——m the Doctor; the +words were scarcely out of his mouth, when down he <span class="pagenum">[162]</span> +went; and as I stood alongside him, ready to attend to his orders, I was +very near being sent down the hatchway stairs without assistance; for the +same shot that doused my old master, carried away my arm just here.—” + D——me,” said the old man, to his brave crew, as they carried +us down to the cockpit—“I shall never forget it as long as I live—That +was a pepperer—Once more, my boys, and the day's your own.—My +eyes, he had hardly said the words, before—Bang, bang, went our bull +dogs—and sure enough it was all over. They cried Piccavi, and went +to the Doctor; but after that I know no more about the matter—we +were a long while before we got the better of our wounds; and as for him, +he has never spoken since—and as to hearing, I believe he never +wished to hear any more, than that the enemies of his country had got a +good drubbing.” + </p> +<p> +By this time the old gentleman having gone through his manouvres, with +perhaps as much accuracy as my Uncle Toby did the siege of Dendermond—having +blown up the enemy with a flourish of his stick, made a profound bow, and +hobbled away.—“Thank you, my friend,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, +“for your information; we should never have understood him without your +assistance, for which accept of this, and our best wishes—giving him +a couple of half-crowns, with which, after thanking the donors, he made +the best of his way in search of the old Commodore, who put our heroes +forcibly in mind of the following lines: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“What a d——d bad time for a seaman to sculk, +Under gingerbread hatches on shore; +What a d——d hard job that this battered old hulk, +Can't be rigg'd out for sea once more.” + </div> +<p> +“Thus you see,” said Dashall, “how our habits become rooted in us: the old +Commodore, though unable to give the word of command, or to hear the +thunder of the cannon, still lives in the midst of the battle, becomes +warmed and animated by the imaginary heat of the engagement, and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Thrice he routed all his foes, +And thrice he slew the slain.” + </div> +<p> +“But come, we will now proceed to a view of the Chapel, the Painted Hall, +and the other curiosities of the <span class="pagenum">[163]</span> +interior; which done, we will take our refreshment at the Crown, and +pursue our way home.” + </p> +<p> +They now took another cursory survey of this magnificent pile of +buildings, the grandeur and effect of which is scarcely to be imagined; +the beauty and variety being heightened by the grand square, and the area +beyond terminating with a view of the Observatory, which stands on a hill +in Greenwich Park. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho was next delighted with a view of the Chapel, which is 111 feet +long, and 52 broad, and capable of conveniently accommodating 1000 +Pensioners, nurses, and boys, exclusive of pews for the Directors, the +several officers of the establishment, &c—The altar-piece, +painted by West, representing The escape of St. Paul from Shipwreck on the +Island of Malta, and the paintings between the cornice and the ceiling of +the Ascension, by the same artist, claimed particular attention. The +splendid decorations of the Great Hall, with its variety of paintings and +statues, were also objects of peculiar admiration, the effect of which +must be seen to be duly appreciated. After these gratifications, according +to the proposal of Dashall, they retired, to the Crown, where having +partaken of à good dinner, and a glass of wine, they returned to town, +fully satisfied with their excursion, and arrived in Piccadilly without +any occurrence worthy of further remark. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0012"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +And have you not heard of a jolly young Waterman, +At Blackfriar's Bridge who is used still to ply! +Who feathers his oars with such skill and dexterity. + +Winning each heart, and delighting each eye: +He looks So neat, and he rows so steadily, +The maidens all flock to his boat so readily, +And he eyes the young rogues with so charming an air +That this Waterman ne'er is in want of a fare. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[164]</span> IT was in one of those inviting +mornings, mild and temperate, that Dashall and Tallyho, lounged along +Piccadilly, observant of passing events, and anticipating those of more +interest which might occur in the course of another day devoted to the +investigation of Real Life in London. +</p> +<p> +The street already exhibited its usual bustle. The early coaches were +rattling along on their way to their respective inns, loaded with +passengers, inside and out, from the western parts of the country; the +ponderous waggon, the brewer's dray, and not less stunning din of the +lighter and more rapid vehicles, from the splendid chariot to the humble +tax-cart, combined to annoy the auricular organs of the contemplative +perambulator, and together with the incessant discord of the dust-bell, +accompanied by the hoarse stentorian voice of its athletic artist, induced +Squire Tallyho to accelerate his pace, in order to escape, as he said, +“this conspiration of villainous sounds,” more dissonant than that of his +hounds at fault, and followed by his friend Dashall, slackened not his +speed, until he reached the quietude of the new street leading to the +King's Palace, in Pall Mall. +</p> +<p> +In Regent Place (at the extremity of this fine street) the two friends +paused in admiration of the noble pile of buildings, which had on this new +interesting spot so rapidly risen, as if by the direction of that +necromantic and nocturnal architect, the Genius of the Wonderful Lamp. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[165]</span> “Until lately, Carlton House, or more +properly, now the King's Palace, was hid from observation, and the Royal +view, in front of his princely mansion, was bounded to the opposite side +of the way, the distance of a few yards only; now the eye enjoys a +perspective glance of a spacious and magnificent street, terminating in a +handsome public edifice, and yet terminating in appearance only, for here +the new improvements sweep shortly to the left, and our attention is +attracted to a superb circus, or quadrant, from whence without further +deviation, Regent Street continues in lengthened magnificence, until it +unites itself in affinity of grandeur with Great Portland Place.” + </p> +<p> +Thus far had Dashall proceeded, when the Squire expressed his surprise +that the new street had not been so planned as to lead, in one direct and +uninterrupted line, from Pall Mall to its ultimate termination. +</p> +<p> +“Then indeed,” answered his friend, “it would have been one of the finest +streets in the world.” “Here too,” continued the Squire, “is a manifest +deficiency in Regent Place, there is a vacuum, it ought to be supplied +with something, be it what it may, for the eye to rest on.” + </p> +<p> +“True, and your idea has been anticipated. One of the most interesting +amongst the antiquities of Egypt, the column known as Cleopatra's +Needle{1} is destined to raise +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 CLEOPATRA'S NEEDLE. + +The Court of Common Council + +Fogrum, Botlieram, Gotham, &c. a full meeting. + +Fog. (Laying down a newspaper.) +The City should be told of it.—They say +That Cleopatra's Needle's to be stuck +In front of Carlton House! + +Got. They'll make the square +A pin-cushion. + +Bot. No! worse—a needle-case. +Has my Lord Sidmouth sent no letter yet +To my Lord Mayor!—It should be pasted up. + +Fog. 'Tis said the Deptford Sheer-hulk has been cleared +Of all its vagabonds, to bring it here. + +Hot. This beats Whitechapel hollow. What's its weight? + +Fog. About three hundred tons. + +Bot. All solid steel? +A pond'rous weapon for a lady's handling! + +Fog. No, stone with scratches on't; and here they say +They're making five-mile telescopes to read them! + +But. Zounds! what a strapping hand she must have had! +Who was the sempstress? + +Fog. Sir, a giantess, + +About ten thousand yards—without her shoes, +Her thimble has been guessed, tho' rotten now, +To fill the place they call the Lake of Maris, +By Alexandria!—Nay, the noseless tilings +That sit upon their tails in Russell Street, +Were Cleopatra's pebbles, taws and dolls! + +Bot. Why, what a monstrous thread she must have used! + +Fog. The Chronicle here says—a patent twist +Of elephants' legs, and dromedaries' spines, +And buffaloes' horns! + +Got. What was her favourite work? + +Fog. (Rising majestically) Sir, she sewed pyramids! + +All lift their hands and eyes in silence.—The Council adjourns. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[166]</span> its lofty summit in Regent Place, and +the western will shortly outrival the eastern wonder of the metropolis.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The Monument. + +“Where London's column pointing to the skies, +Like a tall bull! lifts its head and lies.” + </div> +<p> +“By the bye, let us once more extend our excursion to the Monument, the +day is delightful, and the atmosphere unclouded. We will approximate the +skies, and take a bird's-eye view of the metropolis.” In conformity with +this suggestion the Squire submitted himself to the guidance of his +friend, and an aquatic trip being agreed on, they directed their progress +to Spring Garden Gate, and thence across the Park, towards Westminster +Bridge. +</p> +<p> +“A boat, a boat, your honour,” vociferated several clamorous watermen, all +in a breath; of whose invitation Dashall took not any notice; “I hate +importunity,” he observed to his friend. Passing towards the stairs he was +silently but respectfully saluted by a modest looking young man, without +the obtrusive offer of service.—“Trim your boat, my lad,” this was +the business of a moment; “now pull away and land us at the Shades—'of +Elysium,'” said the Squire, terminating the instructions rather abruptly, +of the amphibious conveyancer. “I am rather at a loss to know,” said the +waterman, “where that place is, but if your honors incline to the Shades +at London Bridge, I'll row you there in the twirling of a mop-stick.” “The +very spot,” said Dashall, and the waterman doffing his jacket, and +encouraged to freedom by the familiar manner of the two strangers, <span +class="pagenum">[167]</span> plied his oars lustily, humming, in cadence, +the old song: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“I was, d'ye see a waterman, +As tight and blythe as any, +?Twixt Chelsea town and Horsley-down, +I gain'd an honest penny.” + </div> +<p> +They now glided pleasantly on the serene bosom of the Thames, and enjoyed, +in mute admiration, the beauties of a variegated prospect, which, if +equalled, is at least not excelled by any other in the universe. On either +side of this noble river, a dense mass of buildings presented itself to +the eye, and as the buoyant vehicle proceeded, the interest of the varying +scene increased in progressive proportion. Thousands of barges skirted the +margin of the lordly stream, and seemed like dependant vassals, whose +creation and existence were derived from and sustained by the fiat of old +father Thames; and imagination might well pourtray the figure of the +venerable parent of this magnificent stream regulating its rippling wave, +and riding, in the triumph of regal sway, over his spacious domains. The +grandeur of the public edifices on the left, the numerous indications of +art on the right, the active industry on both sides, and the fairy-like +boats of pleasurable conveyance gliding to and fro', and shooting, in the +distance, through one or other of the lofty arches of Waterloo Bridge, +produced an effect imposingly grand, and was dwelt upon by our hero of +Belville Hall, particularly with mingled sensations of surprise, +admiration, and delight. +</p> +<p> +Silence had prevailed for some time, with the exception of the waterman, +who now and then carroll'd a stanza responsive to the stroke of the oar, +when the attention of his fare was drawn towards him. +</p> +<p> +“You seem to enjoy a merry life, my good friend,” said the Squire. +</p> +<p> +“Ay, ay, your honour, God bless you, why should not I? At my poor home, +and your honour knows that the cottage of the peasant is equally dear to +him as is the Palace to the Prince, there is my old woman, with her five +little ones, all looking forward to the happiness of seeing me in the +evening, after the labours of the day; and to feel that one is cared for +by somebody, is a sweet consolation, amidst all our toils,—besides, +your honour, the old times are partly come round again; half-a-crown will +go farther, aye, thrice-told, now, than it did a few <span class="pagenum">[168]</span>years +ago;—then hang sorrow, I am a contented waterman, your honour; so d——n +the Pope, long life to King George the Fourth, and success to the land +that we live in!” “Here,” said Dashall, “is an heterogeneous mixture of +prejudice, simplicity and good nature.” + </p> +<p> +“You are but a young man, and cannot long have followed your present +profession.—Is it from choice that you continue it.” + </p> +<p> +“Why, your honour, I served an apprenticeship to it, am not long out of my +time, and continue it as well from choice as necessity; the first because +I like it, and lastly, as our parson says, because in any other situation +I could serve neither my neighbour nor myself.” + </p> +<p> +By this time the tiny bark had shot the centre arch of Waterloo; and new +scenes of interest presented themselves, in ever-varying succession, as +they proceeded towards Blackfriars. Somerset House wore, particularly, an +aspect of great and imposing effect, and not less, as they ploughed the +liquid element, was the interest excited, and the reminiscence of the +Squire brought into action by the appearance of the Temple Gardens.—The +simple, yet neatly laid out green-sward, reminded him of the verdant slope +on part of his domains at Belville Hall, but here the resemblance +finished; a diminutive, although pure and limpid rivulet only, passed the +slope alluded to, and here was a world of waters, into which the influx of +ten thousand such rivulets would produce no apparent increase. Amidst +these cogitations by the Squire, and others of an unknown description by +Dashall, the boat passed underneath Blackfriars' Bridge, and the lofty +doom of St. Paul burst upon the view of the two associates, with gigantic +majesty, and withdrew from their minds every impression save that of the +towering object in view, superseding the consideration of all else, either +present or retrospective. +</p> +<p> +“Rest on your oars,” was the order now given by the two friends, and while +the waterman implicitly obeyed the mandate, they gazed with enthusiasm, on +the stupendous edifice, seen perhaps, to better advantage from the river +than from any other station, and felt proud in their affinity to a country +and countryman, capable, the former of instituting, and the latter of +carrying into effect so august an undertaking.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 During the building of St. Paul's Church, a country +carpenter applied to the Overseer of the workmen for +employment as a carver. The Overseer smiling at the man's +temerity, hearing he had never worked in London, it was +observed by Sir Christopher Wren, who was present, who +calling the man to him, asked him what he had chiefly worked +at in the country?"Pig-troughs, &c.” was his answer. “Well +then,” says Sir Christopher, “let us see a specimen of your +workmanship in a sow and pigs.” The man returned in a few +days, having performed his part with such exquisite skill, +that he was immediately employed; and in tine, executed some +of the most difficult parts of the Cathedral, to the great +astonishment of all that knew the circumstance. So true it +is that genius is often lost in obscurity. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[169]</span> Again proceeding on their way, they +arrived in a few minutes, at another amongst the many in the metropolis, +of those surprising works of public utility which reflect the highest +honor on the laudable enterprize of the present times,—the Iron +Bridge, known as Southwark Bridge, leading from the bottom of Queen +Street, Cheapside to the Borough. It is constructed of cast-iron, and, +from the river particularly, presents an appearance of elegance and +magnificence; consisting of three arches only, the spacious span of each, +stretching across the Thames in towering majesty, affords an aquatic vista +equally novel and interesting. +</p> +<p> +Gliding on the pacific wave, the “trim-built wherry” now passed under the +lofty elevation of the centre arch; and our observers were struck with the +contrast between the object of their admiration and its ancient neighbour, +London Bridge, that “nameless, shapeless bulk of stone and lime,” with its +irregular narrow arches, through which the pent-up stream rushes with such +dangerous velocity. +</p> +<p> +“This gothic hulk,” said the Squire, “is a deformity in the aspect of the +river.” “And ought at least to be pulled down, if not rebuilt,” added his +Cousin. “Even on the principle of economy, the large and incessant +expenditure in support of this decayed structure, would be much more +profitably applied in the erection of a new bridge of correspondent +grandeur with the first metropolis in the universe; but the citizens seem +inclined to protract the existence of this heavy fabric, as a memento of +the bad taste of their progenitors.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“Full many a gem of purest ray serene, +The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; +Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, +And waste its sweetness in the desert air.' +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[170]</span> The indefatigable waterman continued to +ply his oars, sans intermission, and in a few minutes our two associates +in adventure were safely landed a short distance westward of the bridge. +After remunerating the waterman, they ascended the stairs with an appetite +quickened by the water breeze, and retired into the Shades, close at hand, +for refreshment, previous to a renewal of their excursion. +</p> +<p> +The Shades, near London Bridge, is a house, or rather cellar, much +resorted to by respectable citizens of “sober fame,” induced chiefly by +the powerful attraction of genuine wines, which may here be had either +drawn immediately from the wood, and served in regular standard pewter +measures, or in bottles, also of full measure, containing the pure +beverage, of various age and vintages. To these cellars numbers of the +most respectable mercantile characters adjourn daily; enjoying the +exhilarating juice of the grape, and further attracted by the pleasantness +of situation, as commanding a full view of the river, whence the +refreshing breeze is inhaled and enjoyed. +</p> +<p> +Here then, our heroes recruited; and while taking their wine, Bob was much +gratified by the performance of an itinerant band of musicians, playing +outside, some of the latest and most popular airs, in a masterly style of +execution. “Among other numerous refinements and improvements of the age,” + observed Dashall, “may be considered that of our itinerant metropolitan +musicians, for instead of the vile, discordant and grating hurdy-gurdy; +the mechanical organ grinder, and the cat-gut scraper, “sawing a tune,” we +have now parties who form themselves into small bands of really scientific +and able performers, who from instruments well selected produce a +combination of delightful melody; and this progress of harmony is equally +evident with respect to vocalists, who frequently posting themselves +opposite some well frequented tavern or coffee-house, amuse the inmates +with catches, glees, duets, &c. and trust to the liberal feelings +which the “concord of sweet sounds may have inspired, for remuneration and +encouragement.” + </p> +<p> +Scarcely had Dashall concluded his remarks, when the musical party ceased +their instrumental exertions, and, diversifying the entertainment, one of +the performers struck up a song, which we here present to the reader as a +subject not inapplicable to our work.<span class="pagenum">[171]</span> +</p> +<div class='pre'> +In London where comical jokes go free, +There are comical modes of cheating, +Birch-brooms are cut up for Souchong and Bohea, +And plaster for bread you are eating! +And plaster for bread you are eating! + +(Spoken) “How do you do, Mrs. Caphusalent I hope you +approved of the genuine tea.” “O yes, new brooms sweep +clean, and I have no occasion to buy birch ones, while I +deal at your shop for tea.” “There's nothing like my cheap +bread,” says Doughy the baker. “O yes,” says Neddy, “you +forget plaster of Paris is very like it.” + +What are you at? each knave may cry, +Who feels my honest rhymes; +What are you after's? my reply,— +There never were such times! +There never were such times! + +In Accum's test you'll find it clear, +For spirits of wine read Royal gin! +Quashee and drugs they call strong beer, +And Turtle soup is Ox's shin! +And Turtle soup is Ox's shin! + +(Spoken) “By the powers of Moll Kelly, Mr. Max, but you've +murdered my dear friend Patrick O'Shaughnessy, for after +taking a noggin of your blue ruin, he went to blow out the +candle on stepping into bed, when the poor dear creature +went off in a blaze, and set fire to the house. Its all +nothing at all but spirits of wine, you bog-trotting +swindler!” + +Moist sugar is made from the best red sand, +New milk from whiting and water! +Sloe juice poisons half the land, +And the weights get shorter and shorter! +And the weights get shorter and shorter! + +(Spoken) “I hope,” says Mr. Deputy Doublethroat, “you found +the port I sent you last of the right sort: six years in +bottle, Sir, I warrant it made your heart glad.” “You mean +my bowels sad, Mr. Deputy. Out of six friends whom I invited +to partake of it four have already been booked inside +passengers for the other world, and my dear Mrs. Fribble and +me have been confined with inflammation ever since. Instead +of importer of foreign wines, Mr. Deputy, I'd have you write +up retailer of English poisons.” {1} + +1 The following receipt is copied from a book, which is +there said to be worth the price of the volume. “What is +drank as port wine, is very often only a mixture of malt +liquors, red wine, and turnip juice. For the benefit of +economical readers, the following are the proportions: forty- +eight gallons of liquor pressed from turnips, eight gallons +of malt spirits, and eight gallons of good port wine, +coloured with cochineal, and roughened with elder tops. It +should stand two years in casks, and one in bottles. If +rough cider is substituted for turnip juice, and Coniac +brandy for malt spirits, the wine will be the better.” + +Turkey-coffee is Horse-beans ground, +Irish eggs are boil'd in lime: +In every trade deception's found, +Except it be in yours or mine! +Except it be in yours or mine! + +(Spoken) “There's more milk drank in London in a week than +all the Cows in England could give in a fortnight;” says +Blunderskull. “How can that be?” “Why to be sure, because +two-thirds of it is white-wash!” + +What are you at? each knave may cry, +Who feels my honest rhymes: +What are you after's? my reply,— +There never were such times! +There never were such times! +</div> +<p> +It was but a few steps from the Shades to the Monument, to which our +adventurers were now pursuing their way, when they met with an incident +not unworthy of observation. Do not leave your goods, is the friendly +admonition generally inscribed, in large characters, over the resting +place for porters, throughout the metropolis. Opposite the church of Saint +Magnus, close by London Bridge, a porter having pitched his load, turned +his back upon it, and reclined himself against the post in careless ease, +and security. It was just as our heroes approached, that the porter had +turned himself round to resume his burden, when lo! it had vanished; in +what manner no one can tell! without doubt, one of those numerous +street-prowlers who are continually on the look out for prey, observing +the remissness of the porter, had availed himself of the favourable +opportunity, and quietly walked off with his booty. A crowd collected +round the sufferer, but it afforded him neither sympathy nor relief. Our +associates, however, contributed in mitigation of his loss, and proceeding +up Fish-street Hill, were, in a few moments, shrouded under the towering +column of the Monument. +</p> +<p> +Ascending the spiral stair-case of black marble, consisting of three +hundred and forty-five steps, winding like a cork-screw, to the summit, +our aspirants reached their aerial station in the gallery of this lofty +edifice, and enjoyed one of the most variegated and extensively <span +class="pagenum">[173]</span> interesting prospects of any in the +metropolis. Far as the eye could reach, skirting itself down the river, a +forest of tall masts appeared, and the colours of all nations, waving +gaily in the breeze, gave a splendid idea of the opulence and industry of +the first commercial city in the universe. The moving panorama, far +beneath the giddy height, resembled the flitting figures of a <i>camera +obscura</i>; the spacious Thames was reduced to a brook; the stately +vessels riding on its undulating wave seemed the dwarfish boats of the +school-boy navigator; and glancing on the streets and along London Bridge, +horses dwindled in appearance to mice, and carriages to children's toys! +after having enjoyed, during several minutes, the prospects afforded by +their elevated position, the two friends descended, and with a feeling of +relief again trod the safer and less difficult path of <i>terra firma</i>. +</p> +<p> +Our observers now turned their direction westward, and passed into Lombard +Street, chiefly formed of banking-houses and other public edifices. “This +street,” said Dashall, “is noted as the focus of wealth, the point of +convergence of civic riches, and its respectable bankers are not more +dignified by the possession of superabundant property than enhanced in the +estimation of their fellow-citizens by strictly conscientious honour and +integrity. +</p> +<p> +“And of these not the least important in self-consequence is the jolly +civic Baronet,” continued Dashall, “who has already come more than once +within the scope of our observation.” + </p> +<p> +“Ecce homo! behold the man!” responded the Squire, and the Baronet was +descried rolling his ponderous form from the opposite alley to his +banking-house. +</p> +<p> +“It is rather unfortunate,” observed Dashall, “that nature has not kept +pace with fortune, in liberality to the Baronet. Profuse in giving him a +colossal magnitude of person, he exhibits a most disproportionable +endowment of intellect. Unlike his great prototype Sir John, in one sense, +but yet resembling him in another, 'He is not witty himself, but he +occasions wit in others.'” + </p> +<p> +“You are very fond of making a butt of me,” observed the Baronet to a +brother Alderman.—“By no means,” rejoined the latter, “I never was +fond of an empty butt in my life.” “Is the worthy Baronet inclined at +times, (asked the Squire) in his capacity of M.P. to irradiate the gloom +of St. Stephens?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[174]</span> “O yes, frequently, particularly so +when in the plenitude of his wisdom he conceives that he can enlighten the +house with a modicum of information. The last time I heard him hold forth +was as an apologist for the tumultuary loyalists at the Mansion House +Meeting, when he delivered himself in a manner so heterogeneal of +commonsense, and so completely in a style of egotism, as to excite the +ridicule and risibility of the whole house, and discompose the gravity of +even the speaker himself."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The following is a strictly literal versification of the Speech +alluded to: + +THE MANSION-HOUSE ROW, AND APOLOGY FOR +THE LOYALISTS. + +Being a literal versification of the eloquent Speech of Sir +W—ll—m C—RT—s, Baronet, in the House of Commons, Friday, +February 2, on the presentation, by Mr. John Smith, of the +Petition of the Merchants of London. + +I rise, Mr. Speaker, indulgence entreating +A Speech while I make on the Mansion-house Meeting. +The prior Requisition was certainly signed +By men of good substance, with pockets well lin'd! +With such I am ever good humour'd and civil, +But worth, without wealth, I would pitch to the devil'. +The Lord Mayor, I think, then, assum'd a position +Of duty, in yielding to said Requisition; +For may my oration be given to scorn, +If ever I saw, from the day I was born, +A list of more honoured, more propertied men, +And probably never may see such again. + +Now high as I prize both the merits and station, +Of loyalists signing the first declaration; +Permit me to say, it was too mild by half, +Too much milk and water—Some Members may laugh— +I care not;—I say that it did not inherit +The tythe of a loyal and time serving spirit. +I'm charged too with signing it, nevertheless, +I DID,—for I knew not how else to express +My zeal, in supporting, with firm resolution, +The Crown,—and Old England's decay'd Constitution! +Who they are, Constitution and Crown that sustain, +The people should now,—else we labour in vain! +And, therefore, I sign'd the fore-named declaration. +Altho' such a weak milk and water potation! +For why should the loyalists smother their cause, +And lose the high gain,—ministerial applause. +?Pon honour,—aye, even in detractions despite— +In corners and holes, Sir, I take no delight; +And, never on any pursuit do I go, +Of which 1 don't want the Almighty to know! +I signed, Sir, the loyal, luke-warm declaration, +To bring to its senses a turbulent nation! +To cheer up His Majesty,—win his good graces, +And keep his lov'd Ministers still in their places! +The hon'rable member, my friend, who spoke last, +Is not quite correct in detailing what pass'd +At the Mansion-house Meeting; for patiently heard +He was, until symptoms of riot appear'd. +At last it broke out, with a vengeance 'tis true, +And dire was the fracas! but what could we do, +Where adverse opinion so warmly prevail'd, +And each with revilings his neighbour assail'd? +Why, Sir, to this house, I could prove in a minute, +That greater majorities out than now in it, +Of sound thinking persons, in these fair dominions, +Are scouting the hon'rable member's opinions. + +Well-bred, Sir, believe me, and good-looking people, +Were wedg'd in the Mansion-house quite of a heap all; +Whilst I, most politely, besought their attention, +But no,—not a word was I suffer'd to mention! +A party oppos'd me, altho' no long speeches +I make,—(a kind lesson that prudence still teaches;) +And waiting a hearing an hour, perhaps longer, +The dissonant clamour grew fiercer and stronger! +In fact, when I open'd my mouth, the commotion +Exceeded in fury the storms of the ocean! +Some hale stout young men, who had mix'd with the throng, +And press'd, the conflicting addressers among, +Escap'd from the Meeting in tumult and smother, +And swore that they never would visit another! + +I well recollect, in the year ninety-three, +A similar fracas I happen'd to see; +The place, Grocers' Hall, where contention was wrought, +So high, that a stout battle-royal was fought! +Indeed, save one Meeting, I ne'er knew a case, +Where wrangling and fighting had not taken place! +In that one, so happen'd, good luck to betide, +Its fortunate members—were all on one side! +Reverting again to the Mansion-house Row, +When next our staunch loyalists mean to avow +Their zeal,——may they issue a strong declaration, +Then mix'd with a water and milk preparation! +The gout in my toe, for I wore a great shoe, +At last sent me home, without bidding adieu. + +And now having said, Mr. Speaker, thus much +I hope on this house the impression is such, +The loyalists fully to clear, and their leader +From charge, at that Meeting, of boisterous proceedure. + +The Honourable Baronet now sat down, amid the ironical cheers, +of the Treasury, and the tumultuous laughter of the whole house. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[175]</span> The two partners in adventure had now +reached the Mansion House. The Justice Room was open, and the friends +ascended the stairs in order to witness the equitable dispensation of +right by the Civic Sovereign. +</p> +<p> +The case now under investigation was a curious one, and excited the +interest and amusement of a numerous auditory. +</p> +<p> +The itinerant exhibitor of a dancing bear, complained that the person +(proprietor of a small menage) now summoned into the presence of his +lordship, illegally withheld from him a monkey, his property, and the +ci-devant associate of the ursine dancer aforesaid. +</p> +<p> +On the other hand, the master of the menage roundly asserted that he was +the rightful proprietor of the monkey, and had been in possession of the +animal for several years. +</p> +<p> +“My lord,” said the master of the bear, “let the monkey be produced, and I +will abide by his choice between this man and me as his master.” This +proposition appearing reasonable, and pug having been brought forward as +evidence, before giving his testimony made a respectful obeisance to the +Chief Magistrate, and so far as chattering and grinning were indicative of +his good intentions, seemed desirous of expressing his courtesy to the +auditory in general. After having stared about him for some time, with an +inquisitive eye, and corresponding gesticulation, he discerned the +bear-master, and springing into his arms with all the eagerness of +affectionate recognition, expressed the utmost joy at the unexpected +meeting, and when the other claimant attempted to approach, he repulsed +him in the most furious manner, and clung to the friend of his election +with renewed pertinacity. +</p> +<p> +Under these circumstances, the monkey was adjudged to the bear-master as +his proper owner, and pug and his friend left the Justice Room, with +mutual exchange of endearments. +</p> +<p> +Nothing else meriting notice, occurred to the two strangers in this their +new scene of observation. The Civic Sovereign having resigned the chair to +one of the Aldermen, in order that he might attend the Sessions at the Old +Bailey, Dashall and the Squire, at the same time, retired with the +intention (the day now waning apace) of making the best of their way home, +which they reached without further adventure.<span class="pagenum">[177]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0013"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +The charge is prepar'd, the lawyers are met, +The judges all rang'd, a terrible show! +I go undismay'd, for death is a debt, +A debt on demand,—so take what I owe. + +Since laws were made for every degree, +To curb vice in others as well as in me; +I wonder we ha'n't better company +Upon Tyburn tree! + +But gold from law can take out the sting, +And if rich men like us were to swing +?Twould thin the land such numbers would string +Upon Tyburn tree! +</div> +<p> +PURPOSING to spend an hour in the Sessions House at the Old Bailey, our +adventurers started next morning betimes, and reaching their destination, +took their seats in the gallery, for which accommodation they were charged +one shilling each, which the Squire denominated an imposition, inquiring +of his friend by what authority it was exacted, and to whose benefit +applied, as from the frequent sittings of the Court, and general crouded +state of the gallery, the perquisites must be considerable. +</p> +<p> +“Custom in every thing bears sovereign sway,” answered Dashall. “I know +not whence this is derived, nor whose pockets are lined by the produce; +but you will probably be surprised to learn, that a shilling admission is +only demanded on common occasions, and that on trials of great public +interest, from one to two guineas has been paid by every individual +obtaining admission.” + </p> +<p> +The arrival of the Judges now terminated this colloquy. The Lord Mayor and +several Aldermen were in waiting to receive them, and these sage +expounders of the law were conducted to the Bench by the Sheriffs of +London and Middlesex. The Chief Magistrate of the City uniformly and of +right presiding at this Court, his Lordship <span class="pagenum">[178]</span> +took his seat on the same Bench with the Judges, and the usual forms +having been gone through, the dispensation of justice commenced. +</p> +<p> +Several prisoners were tried and convicted of capital felony, during the +short space of time that our associated observers remained in Court; but +the cases of these wretched men, and the consciousness of their impending +fate, seemed in no respect to operate upon their minds, as they left the +bar apparently with perfect indifference. +</p> +<p> +An unfortunate man was next brought forward, and accused of having stolen +from an auction room a couple of wine glasses. He was of respectable +demeanor, and evidently had seen better days. When asked what he had to +allege in his defence, the victim of misery preluding his story with a +torrent of tears, told the following piteous tale of distress: +</p> +<p> +He had been in business, and sustained an unimpeachable integrity of +character for many years. Independence seemed within his reach, when +misfortune, equally unforeseen as inevitable, at all points assailed him! +In the course of one disastrous year, death deprived him of his family, +and adversity of his property. He had unsuccessfully speculated, and the +insolvency of several who were considerably indebted to him, had completed +his ruin! At the time he committed the act for which he stood convicted at +that bar, he had not tasted food for three days, neither had he in the +world a friend or relative to whom he could apply for relief. The Jury +found him Guilty, but strongly recommended him to mercy. The Judge +humanely observed, that the least possible punishment should be inflicted +on the prisoner. He was then sentenced to a fine of one shilling, and to +be discharged. A sum of money, the spontaneous bounty of the spectators, +was immediately collected for him, while one of the Jury promised him +employment, on his calling at his house on the following day. The +gratitude of the poor man was inexpressible: the sudden transition from +the abyss of despair to the zenith of hope, seemed to overwhelm his +faculties. He ejaculated a blessing on his benefactors, and departed. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[179]</span> Dashall and his friend were much +affected by this incident. Another, however, presently occurred, of a more +lively description. In the course of the next trial, the counsellor, on +cross-examining a witness, found occasion to address him with, “Well, my +old buck, I suppose you are one of those people who do not often go to +church?”—“Perhaps,” said the other, “if the truth were known, I am +as often there as you are.” The promptness of the reply produced a laugh, +in which the witness very cordially joined. “What makes you laugh?” said +the lawyer. “Is not every body laughing?” replied the other. “True,” said +the man of law; “but do you know what they are laughing at?”—“Why, I +think in my heart,” rejoined the fellow, “that they take either me or you +to be a fool, but I do not know which!” + </p> +<p> +The Judge at this repartee could not retain his gravity; a tumult of mirth +pervaded the whole Court, and the discomfited counsellor adjusted his wig +and sat down. +</p> +<p> +During the few minutes longer that our heroes remained, nothing of +interest occurring, they withdrew; and passing down the Old Bailey to +Ludgate Street, and from thence towards the Temple, they crossed Fleet +Street, and taking the direction of Shire Lane, were induced, by way of +investigating Real Life in its lowest classification, to enter one of +those too frequent receptacles of vice denominated Coffee Shops. +</p> +<p> +This was a house of notorious irregularity, the occupant of which had more +than once experienced the visitation of the law for his utter contempt of +social order—and from the present appearance of his guests, it did +not seem that legal interference had effected moral amendment. +</p> +<p> +As our two friends entered this Augean Stable, a whisper of surprise, +mingled with dismay, went round the motley assemblage of female +street-drabs, cracksmen,{1} and fogle-hunters; and a wary glance of +suspicion darted from the group “many a time and oft” on the new-comers, +who notwithstanding kept possession of their seats, and ordering without +apparent notice of the party a cup of coffee, apprehension subsided into +security, the re-assured inmates resumed their interrupted hilarity, and +our adventurers were thus afforded the means of leisurable observation. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Cracksmen (Burglars), Fogle-hunters (Pickpockets). +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[180]</span> The Squire, who had not perused the +annals of blackguardism, and consequently was not an adept in the +knowledge of the slang or vulgar tongue, was under the frequent necessity +of applying to his friend for explanation of the obscure phraseology of +those ladies and gentlemen of the pad, which Dashall contrived to +occasionally interpret without the assistance or notice of its +multitudinous learned professors. +</p> +<p> +The desire of witnessing the exhibition of Real Life in its lowest state +of human degradation, induced a prolongation of stay by our two +associates. In the meanwhile, “the mirth and fun grew fast and furious,” + exemplified by dance, song, and revelry, interspersed with practical +jokes, recriminative abuse, and consequent pugilistic exercise, where +science and strength alternately prevailed; and in deficiency of other +missiles, poker, tongs, coffee-cups, saucers, and plates, were brought +into active requisition.—The scene was a striking illustration of +“Confusion worse confounded.” Luckily our two observers were in a +situation without the reach of injury; they therefore “smiled at the +tumult and enjoyed the storm.” + </p> +<p> +The landlord now interfered in defence of his fragile property. +Preliminaries of peace were agreed on, through his high mediation, and +finally ratified betwixt the contending parties, ending as they began, +like many other conflicting powers, <i>statu quo ante bellum</i>! +</p> +<p> +“And now to serious business we'll advance, says one of the King's of +Brentford. +</p> +<p> +“But first let's have a dance.” + </p> +<p> +The present party followed exactly Mr. Baye's proposition; the dance and +the row over, they now proceeded to serious business. +</p> +<p> +Seated in various groups, each engaged itself in conversation, which, from +its almost inaudible expression, was singularly contrasted with the recent +tumultuous uproar. +</p> +<p> +The next box where sat our two friends, was occupied by cracksmen and +fogle-hunters, one of whom, whose superior skill gave him an ascendancy +over his associates, had delineated on the table the plan of certain +premises, and having given in a very low tone of voice, a verbal +illustration to his fellow-labourers, with what intention it is not +difficult to conjecture, observed, “We may as well <i>pad</i> (walk) it, +as <i>Sir Oliver</i> (the moon) is not out to night.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[181]</span> The party to whom this remark was +addressed, prepared to pad it accordingly,—when the desired egress +was opposed by the entrance of three men, who unbuttoning their great +coats, exhibited, each a hanger and brace of pistols, and took the whole +community, male and female, into safe custody +</p> +<p> +This was a <i>coup-de-main</i> on the part of the captors, and sustained +with the most perfect <i>sang froid</i> by the captured. +</p> +<p> +The officers next turned their attention to Dashall and Tallyho, who +giving their cards, and candidly explaining the motives which led them +into the temporary society of the prisoners, they were treated with +becoming respect, the officers with their captives proceeding on their +route to Bow Street, and our heros to the occurrence of future adventure. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho congratulated himself on his escape from expected mortification +and inconvenience, but Dashall, whose more active and enterprizing mind +was not to be checked by trifles, enjoyed the vague apprehensions of his +friend, and by way of making amends for the penance they had inflicted on +themselves in Shire Lane, agreed to dine and finish the evening at a +Tavern in Covent Garden. +</p> +<p> +Thither, then, as they pursued their course, the Squire expressed his +surprise that a final stop was not put to scenes such as they had just +witnessed, and all such places of nefarious rendezvous, abolished by the +vigilance of the police. +</p> +<p> +“On the contrary,” observed Dashall, “it is the interest of the police, +not utterly to destroy these receptacles of vice. They are the toleration +haunts of profligacy, where the officers of justice are generally assured +of meeting the objects of their inquiry, and therefore, under proper +restrictions, and an occasional clearance, the continuance of a minor evil +is productive of public benefit, by arresting the progress of infamy, and +preventing the extension of crime.” + </p> +<p> +Passing along the Strand, the humane feelings of the Squire were excited +by apparently a mutilated veteran seaman, who in a piteous tone of voice, +supplicated his charitable consideration. The applicant stated, that he +had lost an arm and an eye, and was deprived the use of a leg, in the +service of his country, without friend or home, and entirely destitute of +the means of subsistence, that he had no other resource than that of a +humble reliance on public benevolence. The Squire with his usual +philanthropic promptitude drew out his purse, but his <span class="pagenum">[182]</span> +friend intercepted the boon, and inquired of the seaman under whom, in +what ship, and in what action he had sustained his misfortunes. To these +questions a satisfactory answer was given, and the claim of the man to +compassion and relief was about to be admitted, when another inquiry +occurred, “are you a pensioner?” + </p> +<p> +A pause ensued: in the interim the mendicant seeing a person approach, of +whose recognition he was not at all ambitious, dropped in a moment his +timber toe, unslung his arm, dashed a patch from his eye, and set off with +the speed of a race-horse. +</p> +<p> +During the amazement of our two observers of Real Life, excited by this +sudden and unexpected transformation, the officer, for such was the +quondam acquaintance of the imposter, introduced himself to their notice. +“Gentlemen,” said he, “you are not up to the tricks of London, that fellow +on whom you were about to bestow your charity, and who has just now +exhibited his agility, is one of the greatest imposters in London;—however, +I shall not run him down at present.—I know his haunts, and reckon +sure of my game in the evening.” + </p> +<p> +“I confess,” replied Dashall, “that in the present instance I have been +egregiously deceived;—I certainly am not up to all the tricks of +London, although neither a Johnny Raw nor a green-horn; and yet I would +not wish to prove callous to the claim of distress, even if sometimes +unguardedly bestowing the mite of benevolence on an undeserving object.” + </p> +<p> +“The Society for the Suppression of Mendicity in the Metropolis,” said the +Officer, “think differently, they recommend that no relief should be given +to street-beggars.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” said Dashall, offended by the officer's interference,—“I +envy them not the possession of their feelings,” and the two friends +renewed their walk. +</p> +<p> +Proceeding, without further interruption, our pedestrians, were induced to +intermingle with a crowd which had collected round a man who wore a most +patriarchal redundancy of beard, and had been recognized by an +acquaintance as a shoe-maker of the name of Cooke, a disciple of the +American Prophet, John Decker. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[183]</span> Their high mightinesses the mobility +were mischievously inclined, and would certainly have grossly insulted, if +not injured the poor devotee, had not Dashall and his friend taken him +under their protection.{1} He had been quietly making his way through +Covent Garden Market, when the greetings and surprise of his friend at his +strange transformation, attracted the curiosity of the multitude, and his +unhesitating declaration, that he meant to accompany the great Prophet to +Jerusalem, excited derision and indignation against the unfortunate +enthusiast, when luckily our two heros interposed their good offices and +conducted the proselyte in safety to the Shakespeare Tavern. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 On Monday, in consequence of a very great uproar on Sunday +night, in Worcester Street, Southwark, about the house of +the American Prophet, John Decker, that singular person was +brought before the Magistrates of this office, the +inhabitants of the neighbourhood having attributed the +disturbance to the unfortunate fanaticism of the prophet and +his followers. + +The constables stated, that on Sunday night, at half-past +eight o'clock, they saw a mob, consisting of about three +hundred people, collected at the door of the house, and +heard the cries of “murder” issue from within. The officers +on going up stairs, found the Prophet lying on his back. +Some persons who had been abusing him escaped, and the +Prophet said the cause of their violence was, that he had +refused to get out of his bed to preach. He was conveyed to +the watch-house. The witnesses informed the Magistrate, that +the Prophet had made some proselytes, who were actually +about to leave the country with him, and accompany him upon +an expedition to the Holy Land. The parish officers were +naturally alarmed at the inconveniences to which such an +emigration would expose them, and hoped that every thing the +arm of the law could do would be done to prevent it. The +fanatic spirit of some of the followers of the Prophet may +be guessed at from the following facts:— + +The officers who apprehended him, had, two or three times, +in the course of Sunday evening, gone to the house in +Worcester Street, and dispersed a large congregation that +had assembled in the room appropriated to preaching. The +Prophet preached first, and was succeeded by one of his most +zealous followers, who was followed by another. This was +constantly the practice, and during the service, which was +being listened to with rapture, upwards of a dozen of the +congregation seemed to be as violently engaged as the +Prophet himself, whose sincerity is well known. One man, a +shoe-maker, named Cooke, has actually sold off his stock and +furniture, which were worth £300.; and if he were not known +to be the greatest admirer of the Prophet might be called +his rival, for he has allowed his beard to grow to an +immense length, and goes about preaching and making +converts. He has a little son, who looks half-starved, and +is denied all animal food by the Prophet and his father, +upon the principle of Pythagoras—that he might not be +guilty of eating a piece of his own grand-mother. Another +trades-man, who was most industrious, and attached to his +wife and seven children, proposes to leave them all, and go +to Jerusalem. His beard is also becoming indicative of his +intention, and he sleeps, as the others who are struck by +the Prophet do—with his clothes on. None of the sixteen +families who reside in the house in which the Prophet lives, +have, however, caught the infection, and the land-lady +complained most severely of the annoyance to which she was +subject. + +Mr. Chambers said he expected to have heard that the Prophet +was on his way to Jerusalem. + +The Prophet said he only waited for a Tunisian vessel to set +sail with his brother Cooke, and nine other of his brethren. +Upon being questioned as to his inducing those men to leave +their families, he said he did not take them, a higher power +took them. After having stated the manner in which he had +been pulled out of the bed, and declared that he forgave his +enemies, he said, in answer to a question whether he was at +Brixton, and worked there, “Yea,” and to the question +whether he liked it, “Nay.” + +Cooke, the shoe-maker, then stepped forward, and told the +Magistrate that he was determined to follow his brother +Decker to Jerusalem, but that the parish should suffer no +inconvenience, for he should take his son with him on his +pilgrimage. He said that they should not preach again where +they had been so abused, but should remove to a house near +the National School, in St. George's Fields, where they +would preach till the day of their departure. + +The Magistrate assured the Prophet that he should be +committed if he preached again without a license, which he +might have next Sessions for four-pence. The Prophet was +then discharged. + +Decker, it appeared, had baptized seventeen persons, since +he commenced his labours in St. George's Fields. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[184]</span> No remonstrances of Dashall were of any +avail in inducing the pertinacious fanatic to forego his resolution of a +pilgrimage to the Holy Land, and when the inquisitive numbers who still +lingered in front of the tavern had dispersed, Cooke, with appropriate +acknowledgment of the protection which had been afforded him, took his +leave, after having unsuccessfully endeavoured to make converts of Dashall +and the Squire to the tenets of Prophet Decker, or to prevail on them to +accompany the sacred band in the projected expedition to Jerusalem. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link32HCH0014"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XIV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +My son, time was when by necessity, +(Nought else could move me to the enterprize,) +My steps were urg'd to London's wide domains, +I made my will, as prudent friends advis'd;— +For little wot they, that beset with peril, +I ever should return.—Safe though thou speed'st +To London's wond'rous mart, thy pleasaut way, +Think not that dangers cease, they but begin, +When ent'ring the metrop'lis; slowly then +Receive even Friendship's overtures, and shun +The softer sex their wiles and blandishments; +Walk cautiously the streets, of crowds beware, +And wisely learn to fly each latent snare. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[185]</span> AMONGST other occurrences of the +preceding day, Cousin Bob adverted, at the breakfast table, to the +confused intermixture of carriages, dissonant din of attendant lacqueys +clamouring for vehicles, and the dangers occasioned by quarrelsome +coachmen, precipitately, and at all hazards, rushing forwards to the doors +of a mansion, on the breaking-up of a route, each claiming, and none +willing to concede precedency in taking up their masters and mistresses,—” + I am surprised,” said the Squire, “that any rational being would sacrifice +his time and comfort in making one of an assemblage where within doors you +are pressed to the dread of suffocation, and in making your exit, are +environed by peril and difficulty.” + </p> +<p> +“Such,” rejoined Dashall, “are the follies of fashion. Its influence +predominates universally; and the votarists of <i>bon ton</i>, are equally +assiduous in the pursuit of their object, whether with the satellites in +the gay and volatile regions of the court, or amongst those of 'sober +fame' in the mercantile bustle of the city. In the purlieus of the great, +<i>bon ton</i> is characterized by inconvenience; four or Ave hundred +people, for example, invited to crowd a suite of rooms not calculated to +accommodate half the number, the squeeze must be delightful! But +</p> +<div class='pre'> +?Custom in every thing liears sovereign sway!' +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[186]</span> thence yield the followers of High Life +in the West to the follies of fashion, where the enjoyment of ease is a +subordinate, if not altogether exploded consideration.—Eastward on +the other hand: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +?I loves High Life, and all the joys it yields,' +Says Madam Fussick, warm from Spitalfields. +?High Life's the day, 'twixt Saturday and Monday, +?And riding in a one-horse chay on Sunday, +??Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons, +?At Bagnigge Wells, in china and gilt spoons.'” + </div> +<p> +“Again,” added the Squire, “what a vast expence is incurred by these idle +and ostentatious displays of luxury, without one object of advantage +gained!” + </p> +<p> +“Unproductive result,” rejoined Tom, “is not always the case; it not +unfrequently happens that a route and card-party are united; when the lady +of the mansion generally contrives, by skill and finesse, to transfer a +portion of the spoil into her own private treasury; and notwithstanding +expense, there are those who have given splendid routes and +entertainments, and at the same time, recruited their exhausted finances, +at the sole charges of incautious tradesmen, who notwithstanding repeated +losses, yet absorbed in the love of gain, become the dupes of avarice and +credulity.—In the elucidation of my remark,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +?If old assertions can't prevail, +Be pleased to hear a modern tale.' +</div> +<p> +“Not long since,” continued Dashall, “an aspiring young limb of the law, +of property, in expectancy (but that is neither here nor there) and +fertile in expedient, contrived to insinuate himself into the good +fellowship of a few bon vivants; and resolving to irradiate with +?surprising glory' the galaxy of fashion, he furnished a house, by +permission of an accommodating upholsterer, in a style of magnificence, +and decorated a side-board with a splendid service of plate, borrowed +auspiciously for the occasion from a respectable silversmith, on a promise +of liberal remuneration and safe return; after effecting the object of its +migration, in dazzling the eyes of his honourable friends at his projected +entertainment. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[187]</span> “Amidst the busy 'note of preparation,' +the important day at last arrived; the suite of apartments became thronged +with company, and every one admired the elegance of the furniture; the +tasteful ornaments of the rooms; the brilliancy of the lights and massive +construction of the valuable family plate! In fact every thing conspired +to give <i>eclat</i> to the scene, and confirm the friends of the founder +of the feast in their belief alike of his exquisite judgment and high +respectability. +</p> +<p> +“The silversmith, that he might not appear indelicately obtrusive, let a +few days elapse after this grand gala had taken place, before he applied +for restoration of his property, the borrower congratulated him on his +good fortune, told him, that several friends had very much admired the +plate, and even expressed an intention of ordering similar services; and +that with regard to the borrowed plate, he had taken so strong a fancy to +it, as to feel disposed to become a purchaser, if the price was +reasonable, and an adequate consideration was made for prompt payment. +</p> +<p> +“The silversmith, who chuckled inwardly at the prospect of extending his +business, and connecting himself with so many 'honourable men,' gratefully +expressed his acknowledgments, and assuring him of liberal dealing, the +several items of the borrowed plate were examined and dilated upon, the +price of each article, after much higgling, was ultimately fixed, the sum +total ascertained, and an early clay appointed for a final settlement of +the accompt. It never was the intention of the borrower to return the +plate, but he now had achieved a great object, by entirely changing the +whole complexion of the business; he had now converted fraud into debt, +and happen what might, the silversmith could only sue him on a civil +process, which against a limb of the law, and as such, privileged from +arrest, must be tedious and uncertain, whereas, had he made away with the +plate, without accomplishing the object of this last manouvre, (such is +the indiscriminating severity of English law,) that he might have been +amenable to the punishment of felony! +</p> +<p> +“Now comes the reckoning when the banquet's o'er! the parties met for +final settlement, when behold! the accepted purchaser offers the +silversmith a bill at a month; he refuses it indignantly, and consults his +solicitor as to the possibility of compelling the restoration of the +plate; but the lawyer told him, that on his own shewing this could not be +done. The silversmith had now no other resource than that of taking the +<span class="pagenum">[188]</span> proposed bill, and waiting the +expiration of the month, for payment. In the meanwhile, the debtor +exhibiting the talent of an able conveyancer, transmuted the silver into +gold, and now laughs at the credulity of London tradesmen, and sets the +silversmith at defiance!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This incident, as related by Dash all, actually and very +recently occurred. + +An interesting and useful volume might be compiled on the +subject of frauds practised on London tradesmen. Many of +these tricks have been highly characteristic of ingenuity. +The following is a ludicrous instance of female stratagem. +We give the article literally, as it occurred. + +A few days ago, a female, apparently a person of rank, +visited in her carriage, towards the evening, a Silk +Mercer's Shop, westward of Temple Bar, where she made +choice, for purchase, of silks and other rich articles of +feminine dress and decoration, to the value of above fifty +pounds. Her manner was that of a perfectly well-bred +gentlewoman, and her person displayed no small portion of +attractive and elegant accomplishment. Having completed +her selection, she expressed much regret that she could not +pay the amount of the bill on the instant: “But,"she +continued, “it is a delightful evening; my house is in the +suburbs of town; a short and easy ride will prove a pleasant +recreation, and if you will accompany me home in my +carriage, you shall, on our arrival, be immediately paid.” + The mercer was more gallant of spirit than to reject the +courtesy of a lady so fair and fascinating, and accepting +with pleasure the proferred honour, the vehicle soon +reached its destination. The lady first alighted, taking +with her, into an elegant mansion, the articles of +purchase; the mercer presently followed, was shewn into a +handsome drawing-room, and received with much politeness, by +apparently by a gentleman of the faculty.—A silence of a +few minutes ensued, when the mercer inquired for the lady, +observing, at the same time, that it was necessary he should +return to town immediately. The courteous physician +recommended silence, and the mercer became irritated and +clamorous for his money and freedom of exit. Two +attendants making their appearance, they were directed to +conduct the patient to his apartment. The mercer +suspecting that he was the dupe of artifice, grasped a +poker, with the intention of effect-ing, at all hazard, his +liberation from “durance vile,” but his efforts had no other +result than that of confirming his trammels, and he was +presently bound over to keep the peace, under the guarantee +of a straight-waistcoat! The unfortunate mercer now told a +“plain unvarnished tale,” which gained the attention of the +humane physician, who was no other than the proprietor of +the mansion, in which he managed its concerns as an Asylum +for Lunatics. The lady who accompanied the mercer to the +house, had been with the physician the preceding day, and +made arrangements with him for the reception of an insane +patient.—It was now discovered that she had come under a +fictitious name; had retreated in the hired vehicle with the +mercer's property; and had adopted this curious stratagem, +the more effectually to silence suspicion and prevent +detection. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[189]</span> This detail threw the Squire into a +train of rumination, on the tricks and chicanery of metropolitan +adventurers; while Dashall amused himself with the breakfast-table +concomitant, the newspaper. A few minutes only elapsed, when he laid it +aside, approached the window, and seeing a funeral pass, in procession, +along the street, he turned towards his Cousin, and interrupted his +reverie with the following extemporaneous address:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Dost thou observe,” he said, “yon sable tribe +Of death anticipates?—These are they +Who, when men die, rejoice! all others else +Of human kind, shed o'er departed friends +The tear of reminiscence; these prowlers +Hunt after Death, and fatten on his prey! +Mark now their measur'd steps, solemn and slow, +And visage of each doleful form, that wears +The semblance of distress; they mourn for hire, +And tend the funeral rites with hearts of stone! +Their souls of apathy would never feel +A moment's pang were Death at one fell sweep, +Even all their relatives to hurl from earth!— +Knaves there exist among them who defraud +The grave for sordid lucre; who will take +The contract price for hurrying to the tomb +The culprit corse the victim of the law, +But lay it where? Think'st thou in sacred ground! +No! in the human butcher's charnel-house! +Who pleas'd, reserves the felon for the knife, +And bribes the greater villain with a fee!” + </div> +<p> +Cousin Bob was very much surprised by this sudden effusion, and inquiring +the source of inspiration, Dashall put into his hands the newspaper, +pointing to the following extraordinary communication, extracted +verbatim.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The King v. Cundick.—This was an indictment against the +defendant, undertaker to the Horsemonger-lane gaol, for a +mis-demeanour, in corruptly selling for dissection the body +of a capital convict, after he had been executed, contrary +to his duty, in viola-tion of public decency, and the +scandal of religion. There were various counts in the +indictment, charging the offence in different ways. The +defendant pleaded Not Guilty. + +The case excited considerable interest, as well for its +unprecedented novelty as the singularity of its +circumstances. It was a public prosecution at the instance +of the Magistracy of the County. + +Mr. Nolan and Mr. Bolland conducted the case for the Crown; +and Mr. Adolphus, Mr. Turton, and Mr. Ryland, were for +the defence. + +It appeared in evidence that a capital convict, named Edward +Lee, who had been tried and found guilty at the last +Croydon Assizes, of a highway robbery, was publicly executed +at Horse-monger-lane gaol, on Monday, the 10th of September. +After he was cut down he was delivered over to the +defendant, the appointed carpenter and undertaker of the +gaol, for interment at the County's expense, for which he +was allowed three guineas. He received particular +directions that the afflicted mother and other friends of +the deceased were to be permitted to see the body before +inter-ment, and follow it to the grave, if they thought +proper. The friends of the deceased called on the +defendant, who lives in Redcross-street, to know when the +funeral would take place. He appointed the following day, +Tuesday, the 11th of September. The unhappy mother of the +deceased, being confined to her bed, was unable to attend +the funeral, but sent a friend to the house of the defendant +to see the body, and cut a lock of its hair. Application +being made to the defendant for this purpose, he said he had +already buried the body, because he could not keep such +people any longer in his house. The friend demanded a +certificate of the funeral, which he promised to procure on +a subsequent day, upon paying a fee. On the Thursday +following the uncle of the deceased called for a certificate +of the burial, but could not get it, the de-fendant then +saying that the body had been buried the day before. The +friends then became clamorous, and complaint being made to +Mr. Walter, the gaoler, he sent repeatedly for the defendant +to come to the gaol and explain his conduct, which he +declined. At length one of the turnkeys was sent after +him on the Friday, with positive directions to bring him +forthwith. As soon as the de-fendant found that he was +compelled to go to Mr. Walter, he made an excuse, that he +had some immediate business to attend to, but would meet the +messenger in an hour at a neighbouring public-house. To +this the turnkey consented, but watched the defendant to his +house, where he saw two or three suspicious looking men +lurking about. After waiting for some time, the defendant +came to him, and expressed his surprise that he was not gone +to the public-house. The defendant appeared agitated, and +went off as hard as he could towards the Southwark Iron +Bridge. A person named Crisp, who was with the turnkey, +went one way after the defendant, and the turnkey another. +The latter went to Crawford's burial ground, where he saw +the same suspicious looking man whom he had observed about +the defendant's house, in the act of interring a coffin. +He immediately interposed, and said the coffin should not be +buried until he examined its contents. At this moment +the defendant came into the burying-ground, and +seemed angry at the interruption, and begged he +might be allowed to inter the body, which he acknowledged +was Edward Lee; and excused himself for not burying it +before, by saying, that the pressure of other business +prevented him. The turnkey remonstrated with him for +disobedience of the orders he had received to permit the +friends of the deceased to see the body and attend the +funeral. The defendant seemed greatly perplexed: at length +he took hold of Crisp and the turnkey by the sleeve, and, +with considerable agitation, offered them 10L. each to +permit him to bury the coffin, and say no more about the +matter. This was peremptorily refused. The turnkey insisted +upon opening the coffin, and whilst the defendant went to +explain his conduct to Mr. Walter, he did open it, and found +that it contained nothing but earth. It appeared that the +defendant had been applying to the sexton in the course of +the week for a certificate of the burial, but was unable to +succeed, the body not having been buried. Search was then +made for the body, and at length it was traced to Mr. +Brooks's dissecting rooms in Blenheim-street, Marlborough- +street, where it had undergone a partial dissection. The +upper part of the scull had been removed, but replaced. +Several persons identified the body as that of Edward Lee. +It was proved that about ten o'clock in the evening of +Tuesday, the 11th September, a hackney-coach had stopped at +the defendant's house, and the defendant was seen assisting +two men in lifting a large hamper into the carriage, which +then drove off. This was the substance of the case for the +prosecution. + +Mr. Adolphus, in an able and ingenious address to the Jury, +contended that the indictment must fail, inasmuch as the +evidence did not satisfy the allegation in the indictment, +that the defendant had sold the body for lucre and gain. Now +there was no proof whatever that it had been sold, which +might have easily been made out, if the fact was so, by +summoning Mr. Brooks, the anatomist. The real fact was, that +the body had been stolen by other persons from the +defendant's house, and the defendant had been driven to the +miserable shifts proved in evidence, in order to conceal the +misfortune, and prevent the loss of his lucrative situation +in the gaol. + +No witnesses to facts were called for the defendant; but +several persons gave him a good character for honesty and +industry. + +The Jury, under the learned Judge's directions, found the +defendant Guilty. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[192]</span> The Squire having perused this +appalling account of human depravity, expressed himself in energetic terms +of indignation against the miscreant, who to the acute miseries of +maternal affliction at the premature loss of a son, and by such a death! +could add the bitter anguish of consigning his cold remains, unseen by any +earthly spirit of sympathy, to the knife of the dissector, in breach of +every law moral and divine! In the warmth of his kindly feelings, the +Squire would have uttered a curse, had he not been prevented by the +entrance of his old friend, Sir Felix O'Grady. The two friends received +their quondam acquaintance with much cordiality. “Cuish la mevchree! +exclaimed the Baronet, shaking heartily the hands of Tom and Bob; “and how +have you done these many long days past?”—This inquiry having been +satisfactorily answered, Sir Felix explained the object of his visit:—“Aunts +of all sorts, or any sort, or no sort at all at all,” said he, “are cursed +bad things, sure enough; as somebody in the play says.” + </p> +<p> +This abrupt commencement excited the risible feelings of Dashall and his +Cousin, which were further stimulated by Sir Felix seriously appealing to +their commiseration, under the pressure of misfortune,—“for this +same respectable maiden lady, Mrs. Judith Macgilligan, my venerable aunt +as aforesaid, has recently imported her antiquated piece of virginity from +her native mountains near Belfast, and having had my address pat enough, +the worse luck, the sowl, with an affected anxiety for my welfare, must +take up her residence, while in town, in the same house with her dutiful +nephew, that she may have the opportunity of watching over him in his +erratic pursuits, as she says, with maternal solicitude; that is, in other +words, to spy into all my actions, and bore me everlastingly with her +intolerable company. It was but the blessed morning of yesterday that she +took a fancy to exhibit her beautiful person at the lounge in Bond-street;—by-the-bye, +this same paragon of perfection has passed her grand climacteric, being on +the wrong side of sixty;—is as thin as a lath and as tall as a +May-pole;—speaks an indescribable language of the mongrel kind, +between Irish and Scotch, of which she is profuse to admiration; and +forgetting the antiquity of her person, prides herself on the antiquity of +her ancestry so much, that she is said to bear a strong resemblance to her +grandmother, judging from the full-length portrait (painted seventy years +ago,) of that worthy progenitor of our family, who was a descendent, +lineally, from O'Brien king of Ulster, that she copies her dress on all +public occasions, to the great amusement and edification of the +spectators; and in these venerable habiliments she promenaded Bond-street, +hanging on my arm;—by the Powers, till I felt ashamed of my precious +charge, for all the world was abroad, and my reverend aunt was the +universal magnet of attraction.” + </p> +<p> +“Well, and you find yourself comfortable,” said Dashall,—“we have +all of us foibles, and why expect your aunt to be exempted from them?—Have +you any thing in expectance,—is she rich?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[193]</span> “Twenty thousand pounds, twice told,” + replied Sir Felix, “sterling money of Great Britain, in which I have a +reversionary interest.” + </p> +<p> +“Why then,” said Tallyho, “you cannot do better than contribute all in +your power to her ease and pleasure; and in exercising this commendable +duty, you will gain present satisfaction, and may justly anticipate future +benefit.” + </p> +<p> +“And,” added Dashall, “if my Cousin or myself can by any means further +your object, in contributing towards the full attainment of your aunt's +amusement while she remains in town, you may command our services.” + </p> +<p> +“By the powers of fortune,” exclaimed the Baronet, “you have just given me +the opportunity I was wishing for; that is, I had a favour to ask, but +which I could not find courage enough to do, notwithstanding my native +assurance, until now. You must know, then, that on Easter Monday, the +illustrious Judith Macgilligan, descendant lineally from O'Brien king of +Ulster, means to honour the Civic entertainment with her sublime presence, +and grace the Ball at the Mansion-house in a dress resembling that of her +grandmother the princess, worn seventy years ago. Now, my dear friends, +having pledged yourselves to contribute all in your power towards the +pleasure of my venerable aunt, which of you will be her partner for the +evening?” + </p> +<p> +The pause of a moment was succeeded by a hearty laugh; Tallyho had no +objections to the hand, as a partner at the ball, of Miss Judith +Macgilligan, even should she choose to array herself after the manner of +the princess her grandmother. But Dashall observing that as no masque +balls were given at the Mansion-house, it would be necessary that Miss +Macgilligan should forego her intention of appearing otherwise than in +modern costume. Sir Felix undertook to arrange this point with his +relative, and in the name and on behalf of Squire Tallyho, of +Belville-hall, to engage the distinguished honour of her hand at the +ensuing Mansion-house Ball. This important affair having been +satisfactorily adjusted, it was proposed by Dashall that, as his Cousin +and the Baronet had neither of them ever been present at the Epping Hunt +on Easter Monday, they should form themselves into a triumvirate for the +purpose of enjoying that pleasure on the morrow. The Squire having in town +<span class="pagenum">[194]</span> two hunters from his own stud, embraced +the proposition with the avidity of a true sportsman, and Sir Felix +declining the offer of one of these fleet-footed coursers, it was agreed +they should be under the guidance of Tom and Bob, and that Sir Felix +should accompany them, mounted on his own sober gelding, early in the +morning, to the field of Nimrod, from which they purposed to return to +town in sufficient time to witness other holiday sports, before dressing +for the entertainment at the Mansion-house. +</p> +<p> +These preliminaries settled, and Sir Felix agreeing to take a pot-luck +dinner with his two friends, the trio resolved on a morning lounge of +observation, and sallying forth, took their way along Piccadilly +accordingly. +</p> +<p> +Although it was Sunday morning, this street presented, with the exception +of the shops being closed, nearly the same appearance of bustle as on any +other day; the number of pedestrians was not apparently less, and of +equestrians and carriage-occupants, an increase; the two latter +description of the ton, actually or would-be, passing onwards to the +general Sunday rendezvous, Hyde-Park, where Real Life in London is +amusingly diversified; and where may be seen frequently, amongst the +promiscuous promenaders of the Mall, a prince of the blood-royal +undistinguishable by external ornament from any of the most humble in the +moving panorama; while an endless succession of carriages, in which are +seated, what England beyond any other country may proudly boast of, some +of the most beautiful women in the world, present the observer with an +enlivening theme of admiration; and, together with the mounted exhibiters, +from the man of fashion on the “pampered, prancing steed,” to the youth of +hebdomadary emancipation on “the hacked Bucephalus of Rotten Row,” form an +assemblage at once ludicrous and interesting. +</p> +<p> +Having circumambulated the “Ring,” our triumvirate returned by the gate in +Piccadilly, and crossing from thence to Constitution-hill, Dashall pointed +out to his companions the seat, as now fixed upon (on the summit of the +Green Park) of a Military Pillar, intended to be raised in commemoration +of the many victories achieved by British valour in the last war. “This +plan, if properly carried into effect by the erection (said Dashall) of a +column equal in splendor of execution <span class="pagenum">[195]</span> +with the glory it is meant to record, will be the greatest ornament of the +metropolis.” + </p> +<p> +“If again,” added the Squire, “it does not prove like some other recent +projections, a Castle in the air!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Tallyho probably alludes to the long meditated Monument in +memory of the late Princess Charlotte, towards the memory of +which a very large sum of money was raised by public +subscription. +</div> +<p> +Without any other occurrence worthy of remark, the perambulators reached +home, and enjoyed the comfortable quietude of an excellent domestic +dinner, without interruption. Every arrangement having been made for the +amusements of next day, the party broke up, Sir Felix returning to his +lodgings, to gladden the heart of Miss Judith Macgilligan with the +anticipation of conquest; and Dashall and Tallyho retiring to early +repose, that they might encounter the business of the morning with +recruited renovation.—Next day +</p> +<div class='pre'> +The feathered songster chanticleer +Had wound his bugle horn, +And told the early villager +The coming of the morn;— +</div> +<p> +When the Baronet made his appearance “on a milk-white steed,” before the +mansion of Dashall. In a few moments the friendly trio were assembled in +the breakfast-parlour, and partook of a hasty repast while the coursers +from the Belville-stud, destined to perform a prominent part in the +forthcoming adventures of the day, were getting in readiness. The +preparations were soon completed,—the hunters, two noble animals, +were brought to the door, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Each “with neck like a rainbow, erecting his crest, +Paniper'd, prancing and pleas'd, his head touching his breast.” + “Saddle White Surrey for the field to-morrow,” + </div> +<p> +was the order of Richard,” said the Baronet; “but had he been in +possession of such a horse as either of these, 'White Surrey' might have +gone to the devil.” + </p> +<p> +“I'll warrant them both, sound, wind and limb, and gentle to boot,” said +the Squire,—“Come then, if you wish to be well-mounted, and would +really look like a “baron bold,” seat yourself fearlessly on either, and +bear yourself through the streets of London with the dignity <span +class="pagenum">[196]</span> befitting a true, magnanimous and puissant +knight of Munster!”—This address had the desired effect,—it +implied a doubt of the Baronet's courage, and he seated himself on the +“gallant steed” immediately.—Tom and Bob at same time betook +themselves, the former to the other “high mettled racer,” and the latter +to the unassuming rejected Rosinante of Sir Felix. A trifling delay, +however, occurred; the stirrups of the Baronet's charger were too short, +and he alighted while the groom repaired the defect. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Now see him mounted once again +Upon his nimble steed; +Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, +With caution and good heed. +</div> +<p> +Whether, like the Calenderer's horse under the its guidance of the +celebrated John Gilpin, the disdainful steed now in the management of Sir +Felix, “wondered what thing he'd got upon his back,” we are not competent +to decide; but he certainly in his progress “o'er the stones” manifested +frequent impatience of restraint. These symptoms of contumaciousness were +nevertheless borne by the Baronet without complaint,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Till finding soon a smoother road +Beneath its well-shod feet, +The snorting beast began to trot, +Which galled him in his seat. +</div> +<p> +And, as if intuitively knowing the incapacity of his rider to restrain +him, and despising curb and rein, the indignant animal set off at full +speed, to the great dismay of Dashall and the Squire, who putting their +horses to the pith of their mettle, hurried after their friend with the +utmost solicitude. Luckily, however, the career of the spirited animal was +impeded, and finally stopped, by the frequent interposition of the +passengers on the road, and the Baronet was safely set down, ready to +exclaim with Hawser Trunnion, “If ever I get astride the back of such +another harum scarum son of a bitch again, my name is not Felix O'Grady.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link3image-0006"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page196.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page196 Easter Hunt "><br> +</div> +<p> +The pursuers speedily rejoined the pursued, and felt happy in the +knowledge of his welfare. The abashment of the baronet, occasioned by this +untoward adventure, soon gave way to his characteristic good-humour; and +<span class="pagenum">[197]</span> having resigned all further government +of the Squire's unruly quadruped, and resumed possession of his own, the +triumvirate proceeded towards the place of destination. +</p> +<p> +In the meanwhile, the city horsemen arose with Phoebus, to mount their +rosinantes, to be present at the enlargement of the stag, and were roused +from their slumbers according to order by the watchmen. The motley group, +that was early in the field, furnished a capital subject for the +caricaturist. Carts, horses, lame mares, and refractory donkies, with +their grotesque riders, covered the field, together with dandies in +chaises, and the lassies from St. Giles's, Chick-lane, Wapping, and St. +Catherine's, in market carts, with their sweet-hearts, considerably +swelled the number of the hunters. The stag was decorated with bunches of +ribbons, and seemed when enlarged much more frightened at the appearance +of the Londoners, than at the hounds, his natural enemies. When the chase +commenced, never was witnessed such a scene of confusion and disorder. +Upset carts, and unhorsed huntsmen, were seen in all directions. The stag +went off in good style, and out of hundreds of horsemen, not above a dozen +were able to keep their seats, but a number of fellows were on the lurk to +take care of the stray horses. +</p> +<p> +After a cursory glance at the variegated and boisterous assemblage, the +stag bounded forward with the velocity of lightning, amidst the astounding +shouts of the multitude, and was instantly followed by his biped and +quadruped foes of indescribable diversity, from the amateur of the turf on +his spirited and well caparisoned steed, to the spavined gelding, bearing +its cockney rider, and numerous other <i>annual</i> equestrians, preceded +by every description of the canine race, from the high bred beagle to the +“cur of low degree.” All was tumultuous dissonance, and confusion worse +confounded. Tallyho enjoyed the scene to the very acme of delight, and +giving the reins to his experienced courser, high in blood, and eager for +accustomed exercise, the noble animal accompanied by its companion under +the guidance of Dashall, started off with unrivalled celerity, and in a +few moments set all competition at defiance. Sir Felix, in an attempt to +follow his friends, leaped a fence, but gaining the opposite side, horse +and rider came to the ground: fortunately neither of them sustained any +injury.—Sir Felix, <span class="pagenum">[198]</span> however, on +regaining his footing, found that his horse, which had gone forward, was +in possession of a stranger, who losing his own, had availed himself of +this opportunity of remounting, and now pursued his way bare-headed; for +the wind had uncourteously uncovered his pericranium, and he abandoned his +castor to its fate rather than by stopping to pick it up, risque the +restitution of his prize, and the wrath of the baronet, who stood +spell-bound against the fence, vociferously demanding his gelding, and +extending his arm in reiterated denunciation of vengeance. The +unceremonious intruder turning round on the saddle, without slackening his +career.—” Bide you where you are, my fine fellow,” he provokingly +exclaimed, “until the chase is over, and your gelding shall then be +forthcoming.” If the sense of misfortune is alleviated by seeing it +participated by others, the baronet had ample fund of consolation, for +numbers around him were involved in similar calamity. He profited too, by +an admirable lesson of patience under disaster. On the right of his +runaway gelding, and its rider, he perceived a dismounted horseman, +quietly submitting to adversity, by seating himself on a bank, while his +unburthened steed pursued the chase with unabating celerity, leaving its +owner to wait, at leisure, its return. Two cockney equestrians now +approached, at full speed, the fence where Sir Felix still stood, in the +attitude of remonstrance and irritation; and attempting the leap, one, +like the baronet, gained the opposite side, but with a less successful +result; for the rider was pitched over with some violence, with his heels +aloft in the air, as if about to perambulate the field on his hands, while +his horse came to the ground on its face and knees, suspended by its hind +legs from the upper bar of the fence, and vainly essaying at extrication. +The other cockney sportsman was similarly situated: his horse had not +cleared the fence, neither had the rider, although he had reached the neck +of his rosinante in his progress to the opposite side; in this position he +assumed a permanent aspect, for his horse rested with his fore-legs over +the fence, and seemed incapable of either retrograding or proceeding. +These lessons taught the baronet resignation in mishap; the result of +which was the return, in about an hour, of his friends Tom and Bob, to his +great comfort, which was further increased by their bringing with them his +gelding, having recognized the animal <span class="pagenum">[199]</span> +in the possession of a stranger, who, on their claiming it as belonging to +Sir Felix O'Grady, very readily gave it up, saying, that the baronet had +not forgot in the midst of his threats, frequently to announce his name, +and hoping that he would excuse him for having resorted to the privilege +which every person claims on this day, of taking care of the stray horses. +The party now fully satisfied with the humours and disasters of the Easter +Hunt, turned their steeds homewards, and journeying unimpeded, +notwithstanding the throng of the road, they quickly gained town, without +the occurrence of any other memorable incident. +</p> +<p> +Having reached the mansion of Dashall, Sir Felix acquainted Tallyho with +the success of his mission respecting the hand, as a partner, at the +Mansion-house Ball, of the august descendant of the Kings of Ulster, the +sage and venerable Miss Judith Macgilligan. “O, the beautiful <i>illustrissimo</i>! +the sweet crature” exclaimed the baronet, “with commendable care of her +virgin purity, and fair unsullied fame, is tenacious of etiquette, and +insists that she shall be asked with all due form and respect, (after I +have introduced your Squireship to the honour of her notice) at the +Mansion-house. By my conscience, I believe she is in love with your +character, and no doubt will prove desperately so with your person. Faith +and troth now, she is both too young and too old for matrimony; too young, +because she may live to torment you these twenty years to come, which is a +penance no sprightly lad should voluntarily undergo for all her fortune; +and too old, being in all respects disqualified by age, for the important +object of marriage, which was instituted for the procreation of children.” + </p> +<p> +“My dear sir,” rejoined the Squire, “immaculate may the lady remain in her +person and property, I have no views on either.” + </p> +<p> +“By the powers of charity retract that 'stern decree,'” exclaimed the +baronet, “would you break the heart of the love-sick nymph, by chilling +indifference to the potency of her charms and the magnitude of her +fortune? However, all joking apart, my good friends, will you do my aunt +and your humble servant the honour of calling at our lodgings; we shall +wait your coming and proceed together to the civic entertainment?” This +was agreed to;—the baronet retired, and the two cousins having the +best part of the day still before them, set out on a stroll to +Tothill-fields Fair, with the view of ascertaining Real Life in +Westminster, amongst the middle and lower orders of its extensive +population. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[200]</span> Crossing St. James's Park, our two +observers soon reached the scene of jollity. Here, as in all the fairs +held in London, and its vicinity, was a vast assemblage of idlers, +including both sexes and all ages. “They talk of the severity of the +times,” said Dashall, “and the distress of the lower orders of society; I +cannot say, however, that I have witnessed any semblance of distress or +privation amongst such in this metropolis to the extent represented,1 in +the whole course of my observation. These fairs, for instance, more +properly marts of iniquity, are crammed to excess; and in pursuit of low +enjoyment there appears no deficiency of pecuniary means. In all these +resorts of dissipation, not only the shows are filled with spectators, but +the booths and neighbouring public-houses are crowded with male and female +revellers.” + </p> +<p> +The Squire acquiesced in the correctness of his friend's remark, and both +coincided in opinion that the regular daily public places of amusement in +the metropolis afford ample opportunity for rational recreation, +independent of the continuance of fairs, which have no other tendency than +facilitating the progress of licentiousness. +</p> +<p> +Dashall observed, that on the present occasion, in the midst of so much +alleged distress,-the booths and shows of Tothill-fields Fair were much +more extensive than in former years. “We must, however,” said he, +“although the evil continues, do the Magistrates the justice to say that +they have acted meritoriously in preventing the erection of those +dangerous machines named round-abouts, by which, at former fairs, many +serious accidents were occasioned.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link3image-0007"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page200.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page200 Donkey Cart Race "><br> +</div> +<p> +While Ton and Bob were quizzing the costermongers and the Venuses, they in +their turn were queered out of their wipes; thus another cogent argument +was afforded as to the necessity of suppressing these nuisances, as being +the rendezvous of infamy, and the harvest of depredation. The visitors +appeared in all their glory, as elegant and boisterous as usual; the +consumption of gin and gingerbread was apparently prodigious, and the +great luxury amongst the fashionables was fried sausages and the bolting +of oysters with sugar for wagers. Having lost their wipes, the two friends +resolved at least to save <span class="pagenum">[201]</span> their +tattlers; and having seen a sufficiency of Westminster jollification, they +left the fair to those visitors who might better appreciate its enjoyment. +</p> +<p> +Returning home, they were not encountered by farther mischance, and having +shortly reached their destination, and dressed for the evening gala, a +chariot was ordered, and they were set down at the lodgings of Sir Felix +O'Grady. +</p> +<p> +The baronet introduced his two friends to his aunt, with much affected +form, and with an arch leer of expression, which, on an occasion of minor +import, would have excited the risibility of Bob, but this was no laughing +affair; the presentation therefore was conducted with all due solemnity, +and Miss Judith Macgilligan received him with a maidenish diffidence and +complacency, yet with the dignity becoming a descendant of O'Brien, King +of Ulster. +</p> +<p> +Having partaken of a slight repast, the party drove off, in the lady's +temporary vehicle, and rattling rapidly along the streets, were in a very +short time arrived at the Mansion-house. The company was select and +elegant; the ladies particularly, might vie in splendour of ornament and +fascination of personal charms, with first rate beauties of the west; and +what gave the entertainment a superior zest above every other +consideration, was the condescending affability of the Civic Queen, who +received her numerous and delighted guests with a truly hospitable, yet +dignified politeness; nor was there any deficiency on the part of her +lord; all that the most excellent arrangements and the most minute +attention could accomplish was done, to the entire gratification and +comfort of the company.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Easter Amusements.—Mansion-house. The customary Easter +Civic Dinner and Ball were given at the Mansion-house. A +material alteration was effected in the entertainment upon +this occasion, by considerably abridging the number of +cards, which it was the practice hitherto to issue. The Lady +Mayoress received the company before dinner in the ball +room; in dis-charging which office her ladyship displayed +much ease and elegance of manner. The company adjourned to +the Egyptian Hall to dinner, at about half-past six o'clock. +They consisted of Lord Viscount Sidmouth, the Earl of +Shaftesbury, Mr. Peel, and some other members of the +Ministry, the Lords Bishop of London and Landaff, and other +church dignitaries; the Lords Chief Justices of England, and +the Court of Common Pleas; the Vice Chancellor, several of +the diplomatic corps, as well as the leading Members of the +Senate and the Army, and other gentlemen of distinction, her +Grace the Duchess of Rutland, and several ladies of rank, in +all about three hundred and fifty individuals of both sexes. +There were five tables laid out in the hall, which from +being prettily ornamented with festoons of flowers attached +to pillars along the centre of each, had an extremely +picturesque appearance upon entering the room. After dinner +the usual toasts were drank, and the respective parties +present returned thanks. Messrs. Pyne, Broadhurst, and other +professional gentle-men, sung several songs and glees in +their happiest style. At a little after nine o'clock the +Lady Mayoress and the ladies with-drew, and the gentlemen +shortly afterwards rejoined them in the ball-room. + +At a little before ten o'clock, the ball-room was prepared, +and in a short time the most distinguished of the guests +repaired thither. The dresses of the ladies were in general +particularly elegant. The ball was opened by two of the +younger daughters of the Lord Mayor, Misses Ann and Harriett +Magnay, who danced the minuet de la cour in so elegant and +finished a manner, as elicited general approbation. The +quadrilles were led off by the Duke de Cazes and Baron +Langsdorff, and were continued with the greatest spirit +throughout the night. The centre tables in the Egyptian Hall +were removed for the accommodation of the company, but the +side tables were retained, and refreshments served out from +them in abundance. + +We believe that in the general participation of pleasure +there existed one solitary exception only, in the person of +Miss Judith Macgilligan. It unfortunately happened that an +opportunity offered not for the display of her graces in the +dance. She then became peevishly taciturn, complained of +indisposition, and expressing a desire of returning home, +the gentlemen consequently assented, and the party left the +Mansion-house at an earlier hour than they had either +anticipated or desired. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[203]</span> <br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> <a id="link42HCH0001"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“All London is full of vagaries, +Of bustle of splendour and show, +At every turn the scene varies, +Whether near, or still further we go. +Each lane has a character in it, +Each street has its pauper and beau: +And such changes are making each minute, +Scarce one from the other we know. +The in and out turnings of life, +Few persons can well understand; +But in London the grand source of strife, +Is of fortune to bear the command. +Yet some who are high up to day, +Acknowledged good sober and witty, +May to-morrow be down in decay, +In this great and magnanimous city.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[203]</span> “Apropos,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, +laying down the Times newspaper after breakfast, “a fine opportunity is +offered to us to day, for a peep at the Citizens of London in their +Legislative Assembly, a Court of Common Council is announced for twelve +o'clock, and I think I can promise you much of entertaining information, +by paying a visit at Guildhall and its vicinity. We have several times +passed it with merely taking a view of its exterior, but the interior is +equally deserving of attention, particularly at a period when it is graced +by the personages and appendages which constitute its state and dignity. +London is generally spoken of as the first commercial city in the known +world, and its legislators, as a corporate body, becomes a sort of +rallying post for all others in the kingdom. We have plenty of time before +us, and may lounge a little as we march along to amuse or refresh +ourselves at leisure.” “With all my heart,” said Tallyho, “for I have +heard much about the Lord Mayor, the Sword Bearer, and the Common Hunt, +all in a bustle,—though I have never yet had an opportunity of +seeing any of them.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[204]</span>"They are interesting subjects, I can +assure you, so come along, we will take a view of these <i>Gogs</i> and <i>Magogs</i> +of civic notoriety,” and thus saying, they were quickly on the road for +the city. The morning being fine, they took their way down St. James's +Street, at the bottom of which their ears were attracted by the sounds of +martial music approaching. +</p> +<p> +“We have nicked the time nicely indeed,” said Dashall, “and may now enjoy +a musical treat, before we proceed to the oratorical one. The Guards in +and about the Palace, are relieved every morning about this time, for +which purpose they are usually mustered at the Horse-Guards, in the Park, +where they are paraded in regular order, and then marched here. It forms a +very pleasing sight for the cockney loungers, for those out of employ, and +those who have little inclination to be employed; and you see the crowds +that are hastening before them, in order to obtain admission to Palace +Yard, before their arrival—let us join the throng; there is another +detachment stationed there ready to receive them, and while they are +relieving the men actually on duty, the two bands alternately amuse the +officers and the bye-standers with some of the most admired Overtures and +Military Airs.” + </p> +<p> +They now passed the gate, and quickly found themselves in a motley group +of all descriptions, crowding to the seat of action, and pouring in from +various avenues. Men, women, and children, half-drill'd drummers, +bandy-legged fifers, and suckling triangle beaters, with bags of books and +instruments in their hands to assist the band. The colours were mounted as +usual on a post in the centre, the men drawn up in ranks, and standing at +ease, while the officers were pacing backwards and forwards in the front, +arm-in-arm with each other, relating the rencontres of the preceding day, +or those in anticipation of the ensuing. This order of things was however +quickly altered, as the relieving party entered, and at the word +“attention,” every officer was at his post, and the men under arms. Our +friends now moved under the piazzas so as to be in the rear of the party +who had the first possession, and after hearing with great admiration the +delightful airs played by the two bands, which had been the principal +object of attraction with them—they proceeded through the Park and +reached Charing Cross, by the way of Spring Gardens. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[205]</span> “Zounds,” said Tallyho, “this is a very +unworthy entrance to a Royal Park.” + </p> +<p> +“Admitted, it is so,” was the reply, “and a degradation to the splendid +palace, I mean internally, which is so close to it, and which is the +present residence of Majesty.” They now proceeded without any thing +further of consequence worthy of remark, till they reached +Villiers-street. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom, “I perceive we shall have time to take a look at the +world below as well as the world above; “when crossing into the Adelphi, +and suddenly giving another turn, he entered what to Bob appeared a +cavern, and in one moment was obscured from his sight.—“Hallo,” said +Tallyho, “where the devil are you leading me to?”—“Never mind,” was +the reply; “keep on the right side, and you are safe enough; but if you +get into the centre, beware of the Slough of Despond—don't be +afraid.” + </p> +<p> +Upon this assurance Bob groped his way along for a few paces, and at a +distance could discover the glimmering of a lamp, which seemed but to make +darkness more visible. Keeping his eye upon the light, and more engrossed +with the idea of his own safety in such a place than any thing else, for +he could neither conjecture where he was nor whence he was going, he +presently came in violent contact with a person whom he could not see, and +in a moment found himself prostrate on the ground. +</p> +<p> +“Hallo,” cried a gruff voice, which sounded through the hollow arches of +the place with sepulchral tone—“who the devil are you—why +don't you mind where you go—you must not come here with your eyes in +your pocket;” and at the same time he heard a spade dug into the earth, +which almost inspired him with the idea that he should be buried alive. +</p> +<p> +“Good God protect,” (exclaimed Bob,) “where is Dashall—where am I?” + </p> +<p> +“Where are you—why you're in the mud to be sure—and for aught +I know, Dashall and all the rest may be in the clouds; what business have +you dashing here—we have enough of the Dandies above, without having +them below—what have you lost your way, or have you been <i>nibbling</i> +in the light, and want to hide yourself—eh?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[206]</span> “Neither, neither, I can assure you; +but I have been led here, and my friend is on before.” + </p> +<p> +“Oh, well, if that's the case, get up, and I'll hail him, —ey-ya-ap”—cried +he, in a voice, which seemed like thunder to our fallen hero, and which +was as quickly answered by the well known voice of his Cousin, who in a +few minutes was at his elbow. +</p> +<p> +“What now,” vociferated Tom, “I thought I gave you instructions how to +follow, and expected you was just behind me.” + </p> +<p> +“Why for the matter of that,” cried the unknown, “he was not before you, +that's sartin; and he knocked himself down in the mud before ever I spoke +to him, that's all I know about it—but he don't seem to understand +the navigation of our parts.” + </p> +<p> +“I don't wonder at that,” replied Tom; “for he was never here before in +his life—but there is no harm done, is there?” + </p> +<p> +“None,” replied Bob; “all's right again now—so proceed.” + </p> +<p> +“Nay,” replied the unknown, “all's not right yet; for if as how this is +your first appearance in the shades below, it is but fair you should come +down.” + </p> +<p> +“Down,” said Bob, “why I have been down—you knock'd me down.” + </p> +<p> +“Well, never mind, my master, I have set you on your pins again; and +besides that, I likes you very well, for you're down as a hammer, and up +again like a watch-box—but to my thinking a drap o'somut good would +revive you a little bit; and I should like to drink with you—for you +ought to pay your footing.” + </p> +<p> +“And so he shall,” continued Tom—“So come along, my lad.” + </p> +<p> +By this time Bob had an opportunity of discovering that the person he had +thus unfortunately encountered, was no other than a stout raw-boned +coalheaver, and that the noise he had heard was occasioned by his sticking +his pointed coal-shovel in the earth, with intention to help him up after +his fall. Pursuing their way, and presently turning to the right, Bob was +suddenly delighted by being brought from utter darkness into marvellous +light, presenting a view of the river, with boats and barges passing and +repassing with their usual activity. +</p> +<p> +“What place is this?” inquired Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[207]</span> “Before you,” replied his Cousin, “is +the River Thames; and in the front you will find wharfs and warehouses for +the landing and housing of various merchandize, such as coals, fruit, +timber, &c.: we are now under the Adelphi Terrace, where many elegant +and fashionable houses are occupied by persons of some rank in society; +these streets, lanes, and subterraneous passages, have been constructed +for the convenience of conveying the various articles landed here into the +main streets of the metropolis, and form as it were a little world under +ground.” + </p> +<p> +“And no bad world neither,” replied the coalheaver, who upon inspection +proved to be no other than Bob Martlet, whom they had met with as one of +the <i>heavy wet</i> party at Charley's Crib—“For there is many a +family lives down here, and gets a good bit of bread too; what does it +signify where a man gets his bread, if he has but an honest appetite to +eat it with: aye, and though I say it, that house in the corner there, +just down by the water's edge, can supply good stuff at all times to wash +it down with, and that you know's the time of day, my master: this warm +weather makes one <i>dryish</i> like, don't it?” + </p> +<p> +Tom thought the hint dry enough, though Bob was declaring he was almost +wet through; however, they took their road to the Fox under the Hill, as +it is termed. On entering which a good fire presented itself, and Tallyho +placed himself in front of it, in order to dry his clothes, while Bob +Martlet was busy in inquiring of the landlord for a brush to give the +gemman a wipe down, as, he observed, he had a sort of a trip up in these +wild parts—though to be sure that there was no great wonder, for a +gentleman who was near sighted, and didn't wear spectacles; “however,” + continued he, “there an't no harm done; and so the gemman and I are going +to drink together—arn't we, Sir?” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho, who by this time had got well roasted by the fire-side, nodded +his assent, and Dashall inquired what he would like. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[208]</span> “Why, my master, as for that, it's not +much matter to me; a drap of sky blue in a boulter of barley,{1} with a +dollop of sweet,{2} and a little saw dust,{3} is no bad thing according to +my thinking; but Lord bless you! if so be as how a gemman like you offers +to treat Bill Martlet, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 A boulter of barley—a drink—or a pot of porter. + +2 A dollop of sweet—sugar. + +3 Saw-dust—a cant term for ginger or nutmeg grated. +</div> +<p> +why Bill Martlet never looks a gift horse in the mouth, you know, as the +old saying is; but our landlord knows how to make such rum stuff, as I +should like you to taste it—we call it hot, don't us, landlord?—Come, +lend us hold of the brush?” “Ave, and brush up, Mr. Landlord,” said the +Hon. Tom Dashall; “let us have a taste of this nectar he's talking of, for +we have not much time to stop.” + </p> +<p> +“Lord bless your eye sight,” replied Martlet, “there an't no occasion +whatsomdever for your honours to stay—if you'll only give the order, +and push about the possibles, the business is all done. Come, shovel up +the sensible,” continued he to the landlord, “mind you give us the real +double XX. I don't think your coat is any the worse, it would sarve me for +a Sunday swell toggery for a twelve-month to come yet; for our dirt down +here is as I may say clean dirt, and d———me if I don't +think it looks all the better for it.” + </p> +<p> +“Thank you, my friend,” said Bob; “that will do very well,” and the +landlord having by this time completed his cookery, produced the good +stuff, as Martlet termed it. +</p> +<p> +“Come, gentlemen, this is the real right sort, nothing but the bang-up +article, arn't it, my master? But as I always likes the landlord to taste +it first, by way of setting a good example, just be after telling us what +you think of it.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” said the landlord; who declared it was as prime a pot +of hot as he had made for the last fortnight. . +</p> +<p> +With this recommendation our friends tried it; and after tipping, took +their departure, under the positive assurance of Martlet, that he should +be very glad to see them again at any time. +</p> +<p> +They now pursued their way through other subterraneous passages, where +they met waggons, carts, and horses, apparently as actively and usefully +employed as those above ground. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom, “we have suffered time to steal a inarch upon us,” as +they reached the Strand; “we will therefore take the first” <i>rattler</i> +we can meet with, and make the best of our way for the City.”—This +was soon accomplished, and jumping into the coach, the old <i>Jarvey</i> +was desired to drive them as expeditiously as possible to the corner of +King-street, Cheapside.<span class="pagenum">[209]</span> +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0002"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XVI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“How wretched those who tasteless live, +And say this world no joys can give: +Why tempts yon turtle sprawling, +Why smoaks the glorious haunch, +Are these not joys still calling +To bless our mortal paunch? +O 'tis merry in the Hall +When beards wag all, +What a noise and what a din; +How they glitter round the chin; +Give me fowl and give me fish, +Now for some of that nice dish; +Cut me this, Sir, cut me that, +Send me crust, and send me fat. +Some for tit bits pulling hauling, + +Legs, wings, breast, head,—some for liquor, scolding, bawling, +Hock, port, white, red, here 'tis cramming, cutting, slashing, +There the grease and gravy splashing, +Look, Sir, look, Sir, what you've done, +Zounds, you've cut off the Alderman's thumb.” + </div> +<p> +The Hon. Tom Dashall, who was fully aware that City appointments for +twelve o'clock mean one, was nevertheless anxious to arrive at their place +of destination some time before the commencement of the business of the +day; and fortunately meeting with no obstruction on the road, they were +set down at the corner of King-street, about half-past twelve. +</p> +<p> +“Come,” said he, “we shall now have time to look about us at leisure, and +observe the beauties of this place of civic festivity. The Hall you see in +front of you, is the place devoted to the entertainment usually given by +the Lord Mayor on his entrance upon the duties and dignities of his +office. It is a fine gothic building, in which the various courts of the +city are held. The citizens also meet there for the purpose of choosing +their representatives in Parliament, the Lord Mayor, Sheriffs, &c. It +was originally built in the year 1411, previous to which period the +public, or as they term it the Common Hall, was held at a small room in +Aldermanbury. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[210]</span> The expense Of the building was +defrayed by voluntary subscription, and its erection occupied twenty +years. It was seriously damaged by the fire of 1666, since which the +present edifice, with the exception of the new gothic front, has been +erected. That, however, was not finished till the year 1789, and many +internal improvements and decorations have been introduced since. There is +not much of attraction in its outward appearance. That new building on the +right has recently been erected for the accommodation of Meetings of +Bankrupts; and on the left is the Justice-Room, where the Aldermen attend +daily in rotation as magistrates to decide petty causes; but we must not +exhaust our time now upon them.” + </p> +<p> +On entering the Hall, Tallyho appeared to be highly pleased with its +extent, and was presently attracted by the monuments which it contains. +“It is a noble room,” said he.—“Yes,” replied Tom, “this Hall is 153 +feet in length, 48 in breadth, and the height to the roof is 55.” Tallyho +was, however, more engaged in examining the monument erected to the memory +of Lord Nelson, and an occasional glance at the two enormous figures who +stand at opposites, on the left of the entrance.—Having read the +tablet, and admired the workmanship of the former, he hastily turned to +the latter. “And who in the name of wonder are these?” he inquired. +</p> +<p> +“These,” replied his communicative Cousin, “are called <i>Gog</i> and <i>Magog</i>. +They are two ancient giants carved in wood, one holding a long staff +suspending a ball stuck with pikes, and the other a halbert, supposed to +be of great antiquity, and to represent an ancient Briton and a Saxon. +They formerly used to stand on each side of that staircase which leads to +the Chamberlain's Office, the Courts of King's Bench and Common Pleas, the +Court of Aldermen, and the Common Council Chamber. At the other end are +two fine monuments, to the memory of Lord Chatham, the father of Mr. Pitt, +and his Son. The windows are fine specimens of the revived art of painting +on glass. There is also a monument of Mr. Beckford.” + </p> +<p> +While they were taking a view of these several objects of curiosity, their +attention was suddenly attracted by a confused noise and bustle at the +door, which announced the arrival of the Lord Mayor and his attendants, +who passed them in state, and were followed by our friends to the Council +Chamber; on entering which, they were <span class="pagenum">[211]</span> +directed by the City Marshall, who guarded the door, to keep below the +bar. Tallyho gazed with admiration and delight on the numerous pictures +with which the Chamber is decorated, as well as the ceiling, which forms, +a dome, with a skylight in the centre. The Lord Mayor having first entered +the Court of Aldermen, the business of the day had not yet commenced. Tom +directed his Cousin's eye in the first instance to the very large and +celebrated painting by Copley, which fronts the Lord Mayor's chair, and +represents the destruction of the floating batteries before Gibraltar, to +commemorate the gallant defence of that place by General Elliott, +afterwards Lord Heath field, in 1782. The statue of the late King George +the Third; the death of David Rizzio, by Opie; the miseries of Civil War, +from Shakespeare; Domestic Happiness, exemplified in portraits of an +Alderman and his family; the death of Wat Tyler; the representation of the +Procession of the Lord Mayor to Westminster Hall, by water; and the +ceremony of swearing in the Lord Mayor at Guildhall, in 1781; containing +portraits of all the principal members of the Corporation of London at +that time. Meanwhile the benches were filling with the Deputies and Common +Councilmen from their several wards. At one o'clock, the Lord Mayor +entered the Court, attended by several Aldermen, who took their seats +around him, and the business of the day commenced. Among those on the +upper seats, Tom gave his Cousin to understand which were the most popular +of the Aldermen, and named in succession Messrs. Waithman, Wood, Sir +Claudius Stephen Hunter, Birch, Flower, and Curtis; and as their object +was not so much to hear the debates as to see the form and know the +characters, he proposed an adjournment from their present rather +uncomfortable situation, where they were obliged to stand wedged in, by +the crowd continually increasing, during which they could take a few more +observations, and he could give some little clue to the origin and present +situations of the persons to whom he had directed his Cousin's attention. +Making the best of their way out of the Court, they found themselves in an +anti-room, surrounded by marshalmen, beadles of Wards waiting for their +Aldermen, and the Lord Mayor's and Sheriffs' footmen, finding almost as +much difficulty to proceed, as they had before encountered. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[212]</span> Having struggled through this +formidable phalanx of judicial and state appendages, +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said Dashall, “we shall be enabled to breathe again at liberty, and +make our observations without fear; for where we have just quitted, there +is scarcely any possibility of making a remark without having it snapped +up by newspaper reporters, and retailers of anecdotes; here, however, we +can indulge <i>ad libitum</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied Tallyho, “and having seen thus far, I am a little +inquisitive to know more. I have, it is true, at times seen the names of +the parties you pointed out to me in the daily prints, but a sight of +their persons in their official stations excites stronger curiosity.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” said Tom, “according to promise I will give you a sort of brief +sketch of some of them. The present Lord Mayor is a very eminent wholesale +stationer, carrying on an extensive trade in Queen-street; he ought to +have filled the chair before this, but some temporary circumstances +relative to his mercantile concerns induced him to give up his rotation. +He has since removed the obstacle, and has been elected by his +fellow-citizens to the high and important office of Chief Magistrate. I +believe he has not signalized himself by any remarkable circumstance, but +he has the character of being a worthy man. Perhaps there are few in the +Court of Aldermen who have obtained more deservedly the esteem of the +Livery of London, than Alderman Waithman, whose exertions have long been +directed to the correction of abuses, and who represented them as one of +their members during the last Parliament, when he displaced the mighty +Alderman Curtis. Waithman is of humble origin, and has, like many others +of Civic notoriety, worked his way by perseverance and integrity as a +linen-draper, to respectable independence, and the hearts of his +fellow-citizens: he has served the office of Sheriff, and during that time +acted with a becoming spirit at the death of the late Queen, by risking +his own life to save others. His political sentiments are on the +opposition side, consequently he is no favorite with ministers.” + </p> +<p> +“And if he were,” replied Tallyho, “that would scarcely be considered an +honour.” + </p> +<p> +“True,” continued Tom, “but then it might lead to profit, as it has done +with many others, though he appears to hold such very light. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[213]</span> “Alderman Wood has not yet been so +fortunate as the celebrated Whittington, whom you may recollect was thrice +Lord Mayor of London; but he has had the honour to serve that office +during two succeeding years: he is a member of Parliament, and his +exertions in behalf of the late Queen, if they have done him no great deal +of good among the higher powers, are at least honourable to his heart. +</p> +<p> +“Of Sir Claudius Stephen Hunter there is but little to be said, except +that he has served the office, and been a Colonel of the City Militia—led +off the ball at a Jew's wedding—used to ride a white charger—and +is so passionately fond of military parade, that had he continued another +year in the office, the age of chivalry would certainly have been revived +in the East, and knights-errant and esquires have completely superseded +merchants, traders, and shopkeepers. +</p> +<p> +“Alderman Birch is an excellent pastry-cook, and that perhaps is the best +thing that can be said of him: he has written some dramatic pieces; but +the pastry is beyond all comparison best of the two, and he needs no other +passport to fame, at least with his fellow-citizens. +</p> +<p> +“But last, though not least, under our present consideration, comes the +renowned Sir William, a plain bluff John Bull; he is said to be the son of +a presbyterian citizen, and was rigidly educated in his father's religion. +He obtained the alderman's gown, and represented the City in the year +1790: he is a good natured, and, I believe, a good hearted man enough, +though he has long been a subject for satirical wit. He was Lord Mayor in +1796: you may recollect what was related of him by the literary labourer +we met with in the Park—anecdotes and caricatures have been +published in abundance upon him: he may, however, be considered in various +points of view—as an alderman and a biscuit baker—as a +fisherman “— +</p> +<p> +“How!” cried Tallyho! +</p> +<p> +“Why, as a fisherman, he is the Polyphemus of his time. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“His rod was made out of the strongest oak, +His line a cable which no storm e'er broke, +His hook was baited with a dragon's tail, +He sat upon a rock and bobb'd for a whale.” + </div> +<p> +“Besides which,” continued Dashall, “he is a great sailor; has a yacht of +his own, and generally accompanies +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[214]</span> Royalty on aquatic excursions. I +remember a laughable caricature, exhibiting the alderman in his own +vessel, with a turtle suspended on a pole, with the following lines, in +imitation of Black-eyed Susan, said to be written by Mr. Jekyll:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“All in the Downs the fleet lay moor'd, +The streamers waving in the wind, +When Castlereagh appeared on board, +?Ah where shall I my Curtis find. +Tell me ye jovial sailors, tell me true, +Does my fat William sail among your crew.'” + </div> +<p> +He is a banker, a loan-monger, and a contractor, a member of Parliament, +and an orator; added to which, he may be said to be a man of wit and +humour—at all events he is the cause of it in others. His first +occupations have procured him great wealth, and his wit and humour great +fame. +</p> +<p> +“The worthy Alderman's hospitality to the late good humoured and gossiping +James Boswell, the humble follower and biographer of Dr. Johnson, is well +known; and it is probable that the pleasures of the table, in which no man +more joyously engaged, shortened his life. To write the life of a great +man is no easy task, and to write that of a big one may be no less +arduous. Whether the Alderman really expected to be held up to future fame +by the Biographer of Johnson, cannot be very easily ascertained; however +that wish and expectation, if it ever existed, was completely frustrated +by the death of poor Boswell. +</p> +<p> +“I recollect to have seen some lines of the worthy Alderman, on the +glorious victory of the Nile, which shew at once his patriotism, his wit, +and his resolution, in that he is not to be laughed out of the memorable +toast he once gave— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Great Nelson, in the grandest stile, +Bore down upon the shores of Nile, +And there obtained a famous victory, +Which puzzled much the French Directory. +The impudence of them there fellows, +As all the newspapers do tell us, +Had put the grand Turk in a pet, +Which caus'd him send to Nelson an aigrette; +Likewise a grand pelisse, a noble boon— +Then let us hope—a speedy peace and soon."{1} + +1 Whether the following lines are from the same hand or not, +we are unable to ascertain; at least they wear a great +similarity of character: + +I give you the three glorious C's. + +Our Church, Constitution, and King; +Then fill up three bumpers to three noble Vs. +Wine, Women, and Whale fish-ing. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[215]</span> “Egad,” said Bob, “if this be true, he +appears to knock up rhymes almost as well as he could bake biscuits” + (smothering a laugh.) +</p> +<p> +“Why,” replied Dashall, “I believe that it has not been positively +ascertained that these lines, which unlike other poetry, contain no +fiction, but plain and undeniable matter of fact, were wholly indicated by +the worthy Alderman; indeed it is not impossible but that his worship's +barber might have had a hand in their composition. It would be hard +indeed, if in his operations upon the Alderman's pericranium, he should +not have absorbed some of the effluvia of the wit and genius contained +therein; and in justice to this operator on his chin and caput, I ought to +give you a specimen which was produced by him upon the election of his +Lordship to the Mayoralty— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Our present Mayor is William Curtis, +A man of weight and that your sort is.” + </div> +<p> +“This epigrammatic distich, which cannot be said to be destitute of point, +upon being read at table, received, as it deserved, a large share of +commendation; and his Lordship declared to the company present, that it +had not taken his barber above three hours to produce it extempore.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho laughed heartily at these satirical touches upon the poor +Alderman. +</p> +<p> +“However,” continued Tom, “a man with plenty of money can bear laughing +at, and sometimes laughs at himself, though I suspect he will hardly laugh +or produce a laugh in others, by what he stated in his seat in the House +of Commons, on the subject of the riots{1} at Knightsbridge. I suspect his +wit and good humour will hardly protect him in that instance.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 On a motion made by Mr. Favell in the Court of Common +Council, on the 21st of March, the following resolution was +passed, indicative of the opinion that Court entertained of +the conduct of Alderman Curtis on the occasion here alluded +to: + +“That Sir William Curtis, Bart, having acknowledged in his +place in this Court, that a certain speech now read was +delivered by him in the House of Commons, in which, among +other matters which he stated respecting the late riot at +Knightsbridge, he said, 'That he had been anxious that a +Committee should investigate this question, because he +wished to let the world know the real character of this +Great Common Council, who were always meddling with matters +which they had nothing to do with, and which were far above +their wisdom and energy. It was from such principles they +had engaged in the recent inquiry, which he would contend +they had no right to enter upon. Not only was evidence +selected, but questions were put to draw such answers as the +party putting them desired.' + +“That the conduct of Sir William Curtis, one of the repre- +sentatives of this City in Parliament, lias justly merited +the censure and indignation of this Court and of his fellow +Citizens.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[216]</span> After taking a cursory look into the +Chamberlain's Office, the Court of King's Bench and Common Pleas, they +took their departure from Guildhall, very well satisfied with their +morning's excursion. +</p> +<p> +It was between three and four o'clock when our friends left the Hall. Tom +Dashalt, being upon the qui vive, determined to give his Cousin a chevy +for the remainder of the day; and for this purpose, it being on a Friday, +he proposed a stroll among the Prad-sellers in Smithfield, where, after +partaking of a steak and a bottle at Dolly's, they accordingly repaired. +</p> +<p> +“You will recollect,” said Tom, “that you passed through Smithfield (which +is our principal cattle market) during the time of Bartholomew Fair; but +you will now find it in a situation so different, that you would scarcely +know it for the same place: you will now see it full of horse-jockeys, +publicans, pugilists, and lads upon the lark like ourselves, who having no +real business either in the purchase or sale of the commodities of the +market, are watching the manners and manouvres of those who have.” + </p> +<p> +As Tom was imparting this piece of information to his attentive Cousin, +they were entering Smithfield by the way of Giltspur-street, and were met +by a man having much the appearance of a drover, who by the dodging +movements of his stick directly before their eyes, inspired our friends so +strongly with the idea of some animal being behind them which they could +not see, and from which danger was to be apprehended, that they suddenly +broke from each other, and fled forward for safety, at which a roar of +laughter ensued from the byestanders, who <span class="pagenum">[217]</span> +perceiving the hoax, recommended the dandies to take care they did not +dirty their boots, or get near the hoofs of the <i>prancing prads</i>, Tom +was not much disconcerted at this effort of practical jocularity, though +his Cousin seemed to have but little relish for it. +</p> +<p> +“Come along,” said Tom, catching him by the arm, and impelling him +forward, “although this is not Bartholomew Fair time, you must consider +all fair at the horse-fair, unless you are willing to put up with a +horse-laugh.” + </p> +<p> +Struggling through crowds who appeared to be buying, selling, or +bargaining for the lame, the broken winded, and spavined prads of various +sizes, prices, and pretensions, +</p> +<p> +“There is little difference,” said Tom, “between this place as a market +for horses, and any similar mart in the kingdom, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Here the friend and the brother +Meet to humbug each other, +</div> +<p> +except that perhaps a little more refinement on the arts of gulling may be +found; and it is no very uncommon thing for a stolen nag to be offered for +sale in this market almost before the knowledge of his absence is +ascertained by the legal owner.—I have already given you some +information on the general character of horse-dealers during our visit to +Tattersal's; but every species of trick and low chicanery is practised, of +which numerous instances might be produced; and though I admit good horses +are sometimes to be purchased here, it requires a man to be perfectly upon +his guard as to who he deals with, and how he deals, although the +regulations of the market are, generally speaking, good.” + </p> +<p> +“I wouldn't have him at no price,” said a costermonger, who it appeared +was bargaining for a donkey; “the h———y sulkey b——— +von't budge, he's not vorth a fig out of a horses———.” + </p> +<p> +“I knows better as that 'are,” cried a chimney-sweeper; “for no better +an't no vare to be had; he's long backed and strong legged. Here, Bill, +you get upon him, and give him rump steaks, and he'll run like the devil +a'ter a parson.” + </p> +<p> +Here Bill, a little blear-eyed chimney-sweeper, mounted the poor animal, +and belaboured him most unmercifully, without producing any other effect +than kicking up behind, and most effectually placing poor Bill in the +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[218]</span> mud, to the great discomfiture of the +donkey seller, and the mirth of the spectators. The animal brayed, the +byestanders laughed, and the bargain, like poor Bill, was off. +</p> +<p> +After a complete turn round Smithfield, hearing occasionally the chaffing +of its visitants, and once or twice being nearly run over, they took their +departure from this scene of bustle, bargaining, and confusion, taking +their way down King-street, up Holborn Hill, and along Great Queen-street. +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said Tom, “we will have a look in at Covent Garden Theatre; the +Exile is produced there with great splendour. The piece is certainly got +up in a style of the utmost magnificence, and maintains its ground in the +theatre rather upon that score than its really interesting dialogue, +though some of the scenes are well worked up, and have powerful claims +upon approbation. The original has been altered, abridged, and (by some +termed) amended, in order to introduce a gorgeous coronation, a popular +species of entertainment lately.” + </p> +<p> +Upon entering the theatre, Tallyho was almost riveted in attention to the +performance, and the latter scene closed upon him with all its splendid +pageantry before he discovered that his Cousin had given him the slip, and +a dashing cyprian of the first order was seated at his elbow, with whom +entering into a conversation, the minutes were not measured till Dashall's +return, who perceiving he was engaged, appeared inclined to retire, and +leave the cooing couple to their apparently agreeable tete-a-tete. Bob, +however, observing him, immediately wished his fair incognita good night, +and joined his Cousin. +</p> +<p> +“D———d dull,” said Tom,—“all weary, stale, flat, +and unprofitable.” + </p> +<p> +“But very grand,” rejoined Bob. +</p> +<p> +“I have found nothing to look at,” replied Tom; “I have hunted every part +of the House, and only seen two persons I know.” + </p> +<p> +“And I,” said Tallyho, “have been all the while looking at the piece.” + </p> +<p> +“Which piece do you mean, the one beside you, or the one before you?” + </p> +<p> +“The performance—The Coronation.” + </p> +<p> +“I have had so much of that,” said Tom, “that finding you so close in +attention to the stage, that I could get no <span class="pagenum">[219]</span> +opportunity of speaking to you, I have been hunting for other game, and +have almost wearied myself in the pursuit without success; so that I am +for quitting the premises, and making a call at a once celebrated place +near at hand, which used to be called the Finish. Come along, therefore, +unless you have 'mettle more attractive;' perhaps you have some +engagements?” + </p> +<p> +“None upon earth to supersede the one I have with you,” was the reply. +Upon which they left the House, and soon found themselves in Covent Garden +Market. “This,” said Tom, “has been the spot of many larks and sprees of +almost all descriptions, ana election wit has been as cheap in the market +as any of the vegetables of the venders; but I am going to take you to a +small house that has in former times been the resort of the greatest wits +of the age. Sheridan, Fox, and others of their time, have not disdained to +be its inmates, nor is it now deserted by the votaries of genius, though +considerably altered, and conducted in a different manner: it still, +however, affords much amusement and accommodation. It was formerly well +known by the appellation of the <i>Finish</i>, and was not opened till a +late hour in the night, and, as at the present moment, is generally shut +up between 11 and 12 o'clock, and re-opened for the accommodation of the +market people at 4 in the morning. The most respectable persons resident +in the neighbourhood assemble to refresh themselves after the labours of +the day with a glass of ale, spirits, or wine, as they draw no porter. The +landlord is a pleasant fellow enough, and there is a pretty neat dressing +young lass in the bar, whom I believe to be his sister—this is the +house.” + </p> +<p> +“House,” said Bob, “why this is a deviation from the customary buildings +of London; it appears to have no up stairs rooms.” + </p> +<p> +“Never mind that,” continued Dashall, “there is room enough for us, I dare +say; and after your visit to the Woolpack, I suppose you can stand smoke, +if you can't stand fire.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had entered the Carpenter's Arms, when turning short +round the bar, they found themselves in a small room, pretty well filled +with company, enjoying their glasses, and puffing their pipes: in the +right hand corner sat an undertaker, who having just obtained a victory +over his opposite neighbour, was humming a stave <span class="pagenum">[220]</span> +to himself indicative of his satisfaction at the result of the contest, +which it afterwards appeared was for two mighty's;{1} while his opponent +was shrugging up his shoulders with a feeling of a very different kind. +</p> +<p> +“It's of no use,” said Jemmy,{2} as they called him, “for you to enter the +lists along with me, for you know very well I must have you at last.” + </p> +<p> +“And no doubt it will prove a good fit,” said an elderly shoemaker of +respectable appearance, who seemed to command the reverence of the +company, “for all of us are subject to the <i>pinch</i>.” + </p> +<p> +“There's no certainty of his assertion, however,” replied the unsuccessful +opponent of Jemmy. +</p> +<p> +“Surely not,"{3} said another most emphatically, taking a pinch of snuff, +and offering it to the shoemaker; “for you know Jemmy may come to the +finch before John.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 “Mighty.”—This high sounding title has recently been +given to a full glass of ale,—the usual quantity of what is +termed a glass being half a pint, generally supplied in a +large glass which would hold more—and which when filled is +consequently subjected to an additional charge. + +2 To those who are in the habit of frequenting the house, +this gentleman will immediately be known, as he usually +smokes his pipe there of an afternoon and evening. + +“With his friend and his pipe puffing sorrow away, And with +honest old stingo still soaking his clay.” + +With a certain demonstration before him of the mortality of +human life, he deposits the bodies of his friends and +neighbours in the earth, and buries the recollection of them +in a cloud, determined, it should seem, to verify the words +of the song, that + +“The right end of life is to live and be jolly.” + +His countenance and manners seldom fail to excite +risibility, not-withstanding the solemnity of his calling, +and there can be little doubt but he is the finisher of +many, after the Finish; he is, however, generally good +humoured, communicative, and facetious, and seldom refuses +to see any person in company for a mighty, usually +concluding the result with a mirthful ditty, or a doleful +countenance, according to the situation in which he is left +as a winner or a loser; and in either case accompanied with +a brightness of visage, or a dull dismal countenance, +indicative of the event, which sets description at defiance, +and can only be judged of by being seen. + +3 “Surely not,” are words in such constant use by one +gentleman who is frequently to be met in this room, that the +character alluded to can scarcely be mistaken: he is partial +to a pinch of snuff, but seldom carries a box of his own. He +is a resident in the neighbour-hood, up to snuff, and +probably, like other men, sometimes snuffy; this, however, +without disparagement to his general character, which is +that of a respectable tradesman. He is fond of a lark, a +bit of gig, and an argument; has a partiality for good +living, a man of feeling, and a dealer in felt, who wishes +every one to wear the cap that fits him. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[221]</span> “Never mind,” continued Jemmy, “I take +my chance in this life, and sing <i>toll de roll loll</i>.” + </p> +<p> +By this time our friends, being supplied with mighties, joined in the +laugh which was going round at the witty sallies of the speakers. +</p> +<p> +“It is possible I may go first,” said the undertaker, resuming his pipe; +“and if I should, I can't help it.” + </p> +<p> +“Surely not,—but I tell you what, Jemmy, if you are not afraid, I'll +see you for two more mighties before I go, and I summons you to shew +cause.” + </p> +<p> +“D———n your summons,"{1} cried the former unsuccessful +opponent of the risible undertaker, who at the word summons burst into a +hearty laugh, in which he was immediately joined by all but the last +speaker. +</p> +<p> +“The summons is a sore place,” said Jemmy. +</p> +<p> +“Surely not. I did not speak to him, I spoke to you, Sir; and I have a +right to express myself as I please: if that gentleman has an antipathy to +a summons, am I to be tongue-tied? Although he may sport with sovereigns, +he must be accountable to plebeians; and if I summons you to shew cause, I +see no reason why he should interrupt our conversation.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 “D——-n your summons.” This, as one of the company +afterwards remarked, was a sore place, and uttered at a +moment when the irritation was strong on the affected part. +The speaker is a well known extensive dealer in the pottery, +Staffordshire, and glass line, who a short time since in a +playful humour caught a sovereign, tossed up by another +frequenter of the room, and passed it to a third. The +original possessor sought restitution from the person who +took the sovereign from his hand, but was referred to the +actual possessor, but refused to make the application. The +return of the money was formally demanded of the man of +porcelain, pitchers, and pipkins, without avail. In this +state of things the loser obtained a summons against the +taker, and the result, as might be expected, was compulsion +to restore the lost sovereign to the loving subject, +together with the payment of the customary expenses, a +circumstance which had the effect of causing great anger in +the mind of the dealer in brittle wares. Whether he broke +any of the valuable articles in his warehouse in consequence +has not been ascertained, but it appears for a time to have +broken a friendship between the parties concerned: such +breaches, however, are perhaps easier healed than broken or +cracked crockery. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[222]</span> “Surely not,” was reverberated round +the room, accompanied with a general laugh against the interrupter, who +seizing the paper, appeared to read without noticing what was passing. +</p> +<p> +The company was now interrupted by the entrance of several strangers, and +our two friends departed on their return homeward for the evening. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0003"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XVII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Roam where you will, o'er London's wide domains, +The mind new source of various feeling gains; +Explore the giddy town, its squares, its streets, +The 'wildered eye still fresh attraction greets; +Here spires and towers in countless numbers rise, +And lift their lofty summits to the skies; +Wilt thou ascend? then cast thine eyes below, +And view the motley groupes of joy and woe: +Lo! they whom Heaven with affluence hath blest, +Scowl with cold contumely on those distrest; +And Pleasure's maze the wealthy caitiffs thread, +While care-worn Merit asks in vain for bread; +Yet short their weal or woe, a general doom +On all awaits,—oblivion in the tomb!” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[223]</span> Our heros next morning determined on a +visit to their Hibernian friend and his aunt, whom they found had not yet +forgot the entertainment at the Mansion-house, and which still continued +to be the favorite topic of conversation. Sir Felix expressed his +satisfaction that the worthy Citizens of London retained with increasing +splendor their long established renown of pre-eminent distinction in the +art of good living. +</p> +<p> +“And let us hope,” said Dashall, “that they will not at any future period +be reduced to the lamentable necessity of restraining the progress of +epicurism, as in the year 1543, when the Lord Mayor and Common Council +enacted a sumptuary law to prevent luxurious eating; by which it was +ordered, that the Mayor should confine himself to seven, Aldermen and +Sheriffs to six, and the Sword-bearer to four dishes at dinner or supper, +under the penalty of forty shillings for each supernumerary dish!” + </p> +<p> +“A law,” rejoined the Baronet, “which voluptuaries of the present times +would find more difficult of observance than any enjoined by the +decalogue.” + </p> +<p> +The Squire suggested the expediency of a similar enactment, with a view to +productive results; for were the <span class="pagenum">[224]</span> +wealthy citizens (he observed) prohibited the indulgence of luxurious +eating, under certain penalties, the produce would be highly beneficial to +the civic treasury. +</p> +<p> +The Fine Arts claiming a priority of notice, the party determined on +visiting a few of the private and public Exhibitions. +</p> +<p> +London is now much and deservedly distinguished for the cultivation of the +fine arts. The commotions on the continent operated as a hurricane on the +productions of +</p> +<p> +genius, and the finest works of ancient and modern times ave been removed +from their old situations to the asylum afforded by the wooden walls of +Britain. Many of them have, therefore, been consigned to this country, and +are now in the collections of our nobility and gentry, chiefly in and +about the metropolis. +</p> +<p> +Although France may possess the greatest number of the larger works of the +old masters, yet England undoubtedly possesses the greatest portion of +their first-rate productions, which is accounted for by the great painters +exerting all their talents on such pictures as were not too large to be +actually painted by their own hands, while in their larger works they +resorted to inferior assistance. Pictures, therefore, of this kind, being +extremely valuable, and at the same time portable, England, during the +convulsions on the Continent, was the only place where such paintings +could obtain a commensurate price. Such is the wealth of individuals in +this country, that some of these pictures now described, belonging to +private collections, were purchased at the great prices of ten and twelve +thousand guineas each. +</p> +<p> +Amongst the many private collections of pictures, statues, &c. in the +metropolis, that of the Marquis of Stafford, called the Cleveland Gallery, +is the most prominent, being the finest collection of the old masters in +England, and was principally selected from the works that formerly +composed the celebrated Orleans Gallery, and others, which at the +commencement of the French revolution were brought to this country. +Thither, then, our tourists directed their progress, and through the +mediation of Dashall access was obtained without difficulty. +</p> +<p> +The party derived much pleasure in the inspection of this collection, +which contains two or three fine pictures of Raphael, several by Titian +and the Caracas, some <span class="pagenum">[225]</span> capital +productions of the Dutch and Flemish schools, and some admirable +productions of the English school, particularly two by Wilson, one by +Turner, and one by Vobson, amounting, in the whole, to 300 first-rate +pictures by the first masters, admirably distributed in the new gallery, +the drawing-room, the Poussin room (containing eight chef d'oeuvres of +that painter), the passage-room, dining-room, old anti-room, old gallery, +and small room. The noble proprietor has liberally appropriated one day in +the week for the public to view these pictures. The curiosity of.the +visitors being now amply gratified, they retired, Sir Felix much pleased +with the polite attention of the domestic who conducted them through the +different apartments, to whom Miss Macgilligan offered a gratuity, but the +acceptance of which was, with courteous acknowledgments, declined. +</p> +<p> +Proceeding to the house of Mr. Angerstein, Pall Mall, our party obtained +leave to inspect a collection, not numerous, but perhaps the most select +of any in London, and which has certainly been formed at the greatest +expense in proportion to its numbers. Among its principal ornaments are +four of the finest landscapes by Claude; the Venus and Adonis, and the +Ganymede, by Titian, from the Colonna palace at Rome; a very fine +landscape by Poussin, and other works by Velasquez, Rubens, Murillo, and +Vandyck: to all which is added the invaluable series of Hogarth's +Marriage-a-la-mode. +</p> +<p> +Returning along Pall-Mall, our perambulators now reached the Gallery of +the British Institution; a Public Exhibition, established in the year +1805, under the patronage of his late Majesty, for the encouragement and +reward of the talents of British artists, exhibiting during half of the +year a collection of the works of living artists for sale; and during the +other half year, it is furnished with pictures painted by the most +celebrated masters, for the study of the academic and other pupils in +painting. The Institution, now patronised by his present Majesty, is +supported by the subscriptions of the principal nobility and gentry, and +the number of pictures sold under their influence is very considerable. +The gallery was first opened on April 17, 1806. +</p> +<p> +In 1813, the public were gratified by a display of the best works of Sir +Joshua Reynolds, collected by the industry and influence of the committee, +from the private <span class="pagenum">[226]</span> collections of the +royal family, nobility, and gentry; and in 1814, by a collection of 221 +pictures of those inimitable painters, Hogarth, Gainsborough, and +Wilson.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 That the Fine Arts engaged not a little of the attention +of the British Public during the late reign, is a fact too +notorious to require proof. The establishment of the Royal +Academy, in 1768, and its consequent yearly Exhibitions, +awakened the observation or stimulated the vanity of the +easy and the affluent, of the few who had taste, and of the +many who were eager to be thought the possessors of it, to a +subject already honoured by the solicitude of the sovereign. +A considerable proportion of the public was thus induced to +talk of painting and painters, and to sit for a portrait +soon became the fashion; a fashion, strange to say, which +has lasted ever since. Whether the talents of Sir Joshua +Reynolds as a painter, were alone the cause of his high +reputation, may, however, admit of a doubt. From an early +period of life, he had the good fortune to be associated in +friendship with several of the most eminent literary +characters of the age; amongst whom there were some whose +high rank and personal consequence in the country greatly +assisted him to realize one leading object which he had in +view, that of uniting in himself (perhaps for the first time +in the person of an English painter) the artist and the man +of fashion. From his acknowledged success in the attainment +of this object, tending as it did to the subversion of +ancient prejudices degrading to art, what beneficial effects +might not have resulted, had the President exerted his +influence to sustain the dignity of the artist in others! +But satisfied with the place in society which he himself had +gained, he left the rest of the Academy to follow his +example, if they could, seldom or never mixing with them in +company, and contenting himself with the delivery of an +annual lecture to the students. Genius is of spontaneous +growth, but education, independence, and never-ceasing +opportunity, are necessary to its full developement. +</div> +<p> +Since then they have regularly two annual exhibitions; one, of the best +works of the old masters, for the improvement of the public taste, and +knowledge of the artists, varied by some of the deceased British artists, +alternately with that on their old plan of the exhibition and sale of the +works of living artists. +</p> +<p> +The directors of this laudable Institution have also exhibited and +procured the loan for study, of one or two of the inimitable cartoons of +Raphael for their students. An annual private exhibition of their studies +also takes place yearly; the last of which displayed such a degree of +merit as no society or academy in Europe could equal. +</p> +<p> +Sir Felix, who on a former occasion had expressed a wish to acquire the +art of verse-writing, was so much satisfied with his inspection of this +exhibition, that he <span class="pagenum">[227]</span>became equally +emulous of attaining the sister-art of painting; but Dashall requested him +to suspend at present his choice, as perhaps he might alternately prefer +the acquisition of music. +</p> +<p> +“In that case,” rejoined the Baronet, “I must endeavour to acquire the +knack of rhyming extempore, that I may accompany the discordant music with +correspondent doggerels to the immortal memory of the heroic achievements +of my revered Aunt's mighty progenitor—O'Brien king of Ulster.” + </p> +<p> +This expression of contempt cast by the Baronet on the splendor of the +ancient provincial sovereign of the north, had nearly created an open +rupture between his aunt and him. Tallyho, however, happily succeeded in +effecting an amnesty for the past, on promise under his guarantee of +amendment for the future. +</p> +<p> +The party now migrated by Spring Garden Gate into the salubrious regions +of St. James's Park, and crossing its eastern extremity, took post of +observation opposite the Horse Guards, an elegant building of stone, that +divides Parliament-street from St. James's Park, to which it is the +principal entrance. The architect was Ware, and the building cost upwards +of £30,000. It derives its name from the two regiments of Life Guards +(usually called the Horse Guards) mounting guard there. +</p> +<p> +“Here is transacted,” said Dashall, “all the business of the British army +in a great variety of departments, consisting of the Commander-in-Chief's +Office,—the Offices of the Secretary-at-War,—the +Adjutant-General's Office,—the Quarter-Master-General's Office,—besides +the Orderly Rooms for the three regiments of Foot Guards, whose arms are +kept here. These three regiments, containing about 7000 men, including +officers, and two regiments of Horse Guards, consisting together of 1200 +men, at once serve as appendages to the King's royal state, and form a +general military establishment for the metropolis. A body called the +Yeomen of the Guard, consisting of 100 men, remains a curious relic of the +dress of the King's guards in the fifteenth century. Some Light Horse are +stationed at the Barracks in Hyde Park, to attend his Majesty, or other +members of the Royal Family, chiefly in travelling; and to do duty on +occasions immediately connected with the King's administration. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[228]</span> “On the left is the Admiralty +(anciently Wallingford House), containing the offices and apartments of +the Lords Commissioners who superintend the marine department of this +mighty empire. +</p> +<p> +“On the right is the Treasury and Secretary of State's Offices. Here, in +fact, is performed the whole State business of the British Empire. In one +building is directed the movements of those fleets, whose thunders rule +every sea, and strike terror into every nation. In the centre is directed +the energies of an army, hitherto invincible in the field, and which, +number for number, would beat any other army in the world. Adjoining are +the executive departments with relation to civil and domestic concerns, to +foreign nations, and to our exterior colonies. And to finish the groupe, +here is that wonderful Treasury, which receives and pays above a hundred +millions per annum.” + </p> +<p> +Entering Parliament-street from the Horse-Guards, our perambulators now +proceeded to Westminster-bridge,{1} which passing, they paid a visit to +Coade and Sealy's Gallery of Artificial Stone, Westminster-bridge-road. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Westminster Bridge. This bridge was built between the +years 1730 and 1750, and cost £389,000. It is 1223 feet +long, and 44 feet wide; containing 14 piers, and 13 large +and two small semicircular arches; and has on its top 28 +semi-octangular towers, twelve of which are covered with +half domes. The two middle piers contain each 3000 solid +feet, or 200 tons of Portland stone. The middle arch is 76 +feet wide, the two next 72 feet, and the last 25 feet. The +free-water way between the piers is 870 feet. This bridge is +esteemed one of the most beautiful in the world. Every part +is fully and properly supported, and there is no false +bearing or false joint throughout the whole structure; as a +remarkable proof of which, we may quote the extraordinary +echo of its corresponding towers, a person in one being able +to hear the whispers of a person opposite, though at the +distance of nearly 50 feet. +</div> +<p> +This place contains a great variety of elegant models from the antique and +modern masters, of statues, busts, vases, pedestals, monuments, +architectural and sculptural decorations, modelled and baked on a +composition harder and more durable than any stone. +</p> +<p> +Animadverting on the utility of this work combining the taste of elegance +with the advantage of permanent wear, the two friends, Tom and Bob, +recollected having seen, in their rambles through the metropolis, many +specimens of the perfection of this ingenious art, particularly at +Carlton-House, the Pelican Office, Lombard-street, and almost all the +public halls. The statues of the four <span class="pagenum">[229]</span>quarters +of the world, and others at the Bank, at the Admiralty, Trinity House, +Tower-hill, Somerset-place, the Theatres; and almost every street presents +objects, (some of 20 years standing,) as perfect as when put up. +</p> +<p> +Retracing their steps homewards, our pedestrians again crossed the Park, +and finding themselves once more in Spring Gardens, entered the Exhibition +Rooms of the Society of Painters in Water Colours. +</p> +<p> +This, beyond any other gratification of the morning, pleased the party the +most. The vivid tints of the various well-executed landscapes had a +pleasing effect, and wore more the appearance of nature than any similar +display of the fascinating art which they had hitherto witnessed. +</p> +<p> +This Society, which was formed in 1804, for the purpose of giving due +emphasis to an interesting branch of art that was lost in the blaze of +Somerset-House, where water-colours, however beautiful, harmonized so +badly with paintings in oil, has, in its late exhibitions, deviated from +its original and legitimate object, and has mixed with its own exquisite +productions various pictures in oil. +</p> +<p> +The last annual exhibition of painting in oil and water colours, was as +brilliant and interesting as any former one, and afforded unmixed pleasure +to every visitor. +</p> +<p> +One more attraction remained in Spring Gardens, which Tom, who had all the +morning very ably performed the double duty of conductor and explainer, +proposed the company's visiting;—“That is,” said he, “Wigley's +Promenade Rooms, where are constantly on exhibition various objects of +curiosity.” + </p> +<p> +Thither then they repaired, and were much pleased with two very +extraordinary productions of ingenuity, the first Mr. Theodon's grand +Mechanical and Picturesque Theatre, illustrative of the effect of art in +imitation of nature, in views of the Island of St. Helena, the City of +Paris, the passage of Mount St. Barnard, Chinese artificial fireworks, and +a storm at sea. The whole was conducted on the principle of perspective +animation, in a manner highly picturesque, natural, and interesting. +</p> +<p> +Here also our party examined the original model of a newly invented +travelling automaton, a machine which can, with ease and accuracy, travel +at the rate of six miles an hour, ascend acclivities, and turn the +narrowest corners, by machinery only, conducted by one of the persons +seated within, without the assistance of either horse or steam. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[230]</span> This extraordinary piece of mechanism +attracted the particular attention of the Baronet, who minutely explored +its principles, with the view, as he said, of its introduction to general +use, in the province of Munster, in substitution of ricketty jaunting-cars +and stumbling geldings. Miss Judith Macgilligan likewise condescended to +honour this novel carriage with her approbation, as an economical +improvement, embracing, with its obvious utility, a vast saving in the +keep of horses, and superseding the use of jaunting-cars, the universal +succedaneum, in Ireland, for more respectable vehicles; but which, she +added, no lady of illustrious ancestry should resort to. +</p> +<p> +This endless recurrence to noble descent elicited from Sir Felix another +“palpable hit;” who observed, that those fastidious dames of antiquity, to +whatever country belonging, of apparent asperity to the present times, +would do well in laying aside unfounded prejudices; that the age to which +Miss Macgilligan so frequently alluded, was one of the most ignorant +barbarism; and the unpolished females of that day unequal to a comparison +with those of the present, as much so, as the savage squaws of America +with the finished beauties of an Irish Vicegerent's drawing-room.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The pride of ancestry, although prevalent in Ireland, is +not carried to the preposterous excess exemplified by +Cambrian vanity and egotism. A gentleman lately visited a +friend in Wales, who, among other objects of curiosity, +gratified his guest with the inspection of his family +genealogical tree, which, setting at naught the minor +consideration of antediluvian research, bore in its centre +this notable inscription,—About this time the world was +created!!! +</div> +<p> +Re-entering St. James's Park, our party directed their course towards the +Mall, eastward of which they were agreeably amused by the appearance of +groupes of children, who, under the care of attendant nursery maids, were +regaling themselves with milk from the cow, thus presenting to these +delighted juveniles a rural feast in the heart of the metropolis. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[231]</span> Here Dashall drew the attention of his +friends to a very important improvement. “Until within these few months,” + said he, “the Park at night-fall presented a very sombre aspect; being so +imperfectly lighted as to encourage the resort of the most depraved +characters of both sexes; and although, in several instances, a general +caption, by direction of the police, was made of these nocturnal +visitants, yet the evil still remained; when a brilliant remedy at last +was found, by entirely irradiating the darkness hitherto so favourable to +the career of licentiousness: these lamps, each at a short distance from +the other, have been lately introduced; stretching along the Mall, and +circumscribing the Park, they shed a noon-tide splendor on the solitude of +midnight. They are lighted with gas, and continue burning from sunset to +day-break, combining ornament with utility. Thus vice has been banished +from her wonted haunts, and the Park has become a respectable evening +promenade. +</p> +<p> +“This Park,” continued the communicative Dashall, “which is nearly two +miles in circuit, was enclosed by King Charles II., who planted the +avenues, made the Canal and the Aviary adjacent to the Bird-cage Walk, +which took its name from the cages hung in the trees; but the present fine +effect of the piece of ground within the railing, is the fruit of the +genius of the celebrated Mr. Brown."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 St. James's Park was the frequent promenade of King +Charles II. Here he was to be seen almost daily; unattended, +except by one or two of his courtiers, and his favorite +grey-hounds; inter-mixing with his subjects, in perfect +confidence of their loyalty and attachment. His brother +James one day remonstrating with him on the impolicy of thus +exposing his person,—“James,” rejoined his majesty, “take +care of yourself, and be under no apprehension for me: my +people will never kill me, to make you king!” + +In more recent times, Mr. Charles Townsend used every +morning, as he came to the Treasury, to pass by the Canal in +the Park, and feed the ducks with bread or corn, which he +brought in his pocket for that purpose. One morning having +called his affectionate friends, the duckey, duckey, +duckies, he found unfortunately that he had forgotten them;— +“Poor duckies!” he cried, “I am sorry I am in a hurry and +cannot get you some bread, but here is sixpence for you to +buy some,” and threw the ducks a sixpence, which one of them +gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to +some gentlemen with whom he was to dine. There being ducks +for dinner, one of the gentlemen ordered a sixpence to be +put into the body of a duck, which he gave Charles to cut +up. Our hero, sur-prised at finding a sixpence among the +seasoning, bade the waiter send up his master, whom he +loaded with epithets of rascal and scoundrel, and swore +bitterly that he would have him prosecuted for robbing the +king of his ducks; “for,” said he, “gentlemen, this very +morning did I give this sixpence to one of the ducks in the +Canal in St. James's Park.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[232]</span> The party now seated themselves on one +of the benches in the Mall, opposite the spot where lately stood the +Chinese or Pagoda bridge. Tallyho had often animadverted on the absurdity +of the late inconvenient and heterogeneous wooden structure, which had +been erected at a considerable public expense; its dangling non-descript +ornaments, and tiresome acclivity and descent of forty steps each. “What,” + said he, “notwithstanding the protection by centinels of this precious +memento of vitiated taste, has it become the prey of dilapidation?” + </p> +<p> +“Rather,” answered Dashall, “of premature decay. Its crazy condition +induced the sage authors of its origin to hasten its destruction; like the +Cherokee chief, who, when the object of his regard becomes no longer +useful, buries him alive!” + </p> +<p> +Contrasting the magnificent appearance of the adjacent edifices, as seen +from the Park, with one of apparently very humble pretensions, Miss +Macgilligan inquired to what purpose the “shabby fabric” was applied, and +by whom occupied. +</p> +<p> +“That 'shabby fabric,' Madam,” responded Dashall, “is St. James's Palace, +erected by Henry VIII., in which our sovereigns of England have held their +Courts from the reign of Queen Anne to that of his late Majesty George +III.” {1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The state apartments, now renovated, comprehend six +chambers. The first is the guard chamber, at the top of the +stairs: this has been entirely repaired, and on the right +hand there is a characteristic chimney-piece, instead of the +ill-shaped clumsy fire-place which previously disgraced this +approach to the grand rooms. The next room, continuing to +advance, is the presence chamber. This chamber has been +remodelled, and a large handsome octagonal window +introduced. This produces the best effect, and has rendered +a gloomy room very light and cheerful. The privy chamber, +which forms the eastern end of the great suite that runs +from east to west, parallel to the Mall in the Park, and is, +strictly speaking, the immediate scene of the Court; this is +entirely new from the foundation, and is a continuation of +the old suite of state apartments. The chamber is of noble +dimensions, being nearly 70 feet in length, and having four +windows towards the garden and Park beyond. A magnificent +marble chimney-piece occupies the centre, on the east end. +The anti-drawing-room and the drawing-room, in which little +alteration appears, except in the introduction of splendid +chimney-pieces of statuary marble, taken from the library of +Queen Caroline in the Stable Yard, built by Kent. The +workmanship of these is amazingly fine, and the designs very +rich. The throne is at the upper end of the drawing room No. +5, and from the chimney of the room No. 3, the vista through +the middle doors of the anti-drawing-rooms is about 200 +feet!! The<i>coup d'oeil</i> must be indescribably grand, when +all the three apartments are filled with rank and beauty. +The ceilings of the principal rooms, 3, 4, and 5, are coved +upon handsome cornices, carved and gilt. This gives the +apartments a spacious and lofty appearance; and there being +four large windows in each, the whole suite is very +imposing. The rooms are to be fitted with mirrors, and a +noble collection of the royal pictures. Over the chimney in +the drawing-room, Lawrence's splendid portrait of George +IV., surrounded by the fine old carvings of Grinling +Gibbons, of which many are preserved in the Palace, will be +the principal object. In the anti-drawing-room a portrait of +the venerable George III. will occupy a similar station; and +on each side will appear the victories which reflected the +highest lustre on his reign,—Trafalgar and Waterloo. In the +privy chamber, a portrait of Queen Anne will be attended by +the great Marlborough triumphs of Lisle and Tournay, +Blenheim, and other historical pieces. Other spaces will +exhibit a series of royal portraits, from the period of the +founder of the Palace, Henry VIII. to the present era; +including, of course, some of the most celebrated works of +Holbein and Vandyke. The unrivalled “Charles on +horseback,” by the latter, is among the number, and the +gallery, altogether, must be inestimable, even as a panorama +of the arts in England for three centuries. On the whole, +these state apartments, when completed, will not be +excelled, if equalled, by any others in Europe. Holbein, +whom we have just mentioned, was a favourite of Henry VIII. +One day, when the painter was privately drawing a lady's +picture for the king, a nobleman forced himself into the +chamber. Holbein threw him down stairs; the peer cried out; +Holbein bolted himself in, escaped over the roof of the +house, and running directly to the king, fell on his knees, +and besought his majesty to pardon him, without declaring +the offence. The king promised to forgive him, if he would +tell the truth. Immediately arrives the lord with his +complaint. After hearing the whole, his majesty said to the +nobleman,—” You have behaved in a manner unworthy of your +rank. I tell you, of seven peasants I can make so many +lords, but not one Holbein. Be gone, and remember this, if +you ever presume to avenge yourself, I shall look on an +injury you do to the painter as done to me.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[233]</span> The descendant of O'Brien was +astonished, and connecting her ideas of the internal show of this Palace +with its outward appearance, doubted not, secretly, that it was far +inferior to the residence, in former times, of her royal progenitor. +</p> +<p> +Probably guessing her thoughts, Dashall proceeded to observe, that the +Palace was venerable from age, and in its interior decoration that it +fully corresponded in splendor with the regal purposes to which it had +been so long applied; “It is now, however,” he added, “about to assume a +still more imposing aspect, being under alterations and adornments, for +the reception of the Court of his present Majesty, which, when completed, +will render it worthy the presence of the Sovereign of this great Empire.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[234]</span> The sole use made lately of St. James's +Palace, is for purposes of state. In 1808, the south-eastern wing of the +building was destroyed by fire; the state apartments were, however, +uninjured, and the Court of George the Third and his Queen was held here. +</p> +<p> +On the right of the Palace, the attention of the party was next attracted +by Marlborough House. It was built in the reign of Queen Anne, by the +public, at the expense of 40,000L. on part of the royal gardens, and given +by the Queen and Parliament, on a long lease, to the great Duke of +Marlborough. It is a handsome building, much improved of late years, and +has a garden extending to the Park, and forms a striking contrast to the +adjoining Palace of St. James's. It is now the town residence of his Royal +Highness, Prince Leopold of Saxe Cobourg. +</p> +<p> +Our party now passed into St. James's-street, where Miss Macgilligan, +whose acerbitude of temper had been much softened by the politeness of her +friends during the morning's ramble, mentioned, that she had a visit to +make on an occasion of etiquette, and requesting the honour of the +gentlemen's company to dinner, she was handed by the Squire of +Belville-hall, with all due gallantry and obeisance, into a +hackney-chariot; Tom in the meanwhile noting its number, in the +anticipation of its ultimately proving a requisite precaution. +</p> +<p> +The trio, now left to their own pursuits, lounged leisurely up St. +James's-street, and pausing at the caricature shop, an incident occurred +which placed in a very favorable point of view the Baronet's promptitude +of reply and equanimity of temper. Having had recourse to his glasses, lie +stood on the pavement, examining the prints, unobservant of any other +object; when a porter with a load brushed hastily forward, and coming in +contact with the Baronet, put him, involuntarily, by the violence of the +shock, to the left about face, without the word either of caution or +command. “Damn your spectacles!” at same time, exclaimed the fellow; +“Thank you, my good friend,” rejoined Sir Felix,—“it is not the +first time that my spectacles have saved my eyes!” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[235]</span> Remarking on this rencounter, Dashall +observed, that the insolence of these fellows was become really a public +nuisance. Armed in the panoply of arrogance, they assume the right of the +footway, to the ejection, danger, and frequent injury of other passengers; +moving in a direct line with loads that sometimes stretch on either side +the width of the pavement, they dash onward, careless whom they may run +against, or what mischief may ensue. “I would not,” continued Dashall, +“class them with beasts of burthen, and confine them to the carriage-way +of the street, like other brutes of that description; but I would have +them placed under the control of some salutary regulations, and humanized +under the dread of punishment.” + </p> +<p> +The Squire coincided with his friend in opinion, and added, by way of +illustration, that it was only a few days since he witnessed a serious +accident occasioned by the scandalous conduct of a porter: the fellow bore +on his shoulders a chest of drawers, a corner of which, while he forced +his way along the pavement, struck a young lady a stunning blow on the +head, bringing her violently to the ground, and falling against a shop +window, one of her hands went through a pane of glass, by which she was +severely cut; thus sustaining a double injury, either of which might have +been attended with fatal consequences. +</p> +<p> +The three friends had now gained the fashionable lounge of Bond-street, +whence turning into Conduit-street, they entered Limmer's Coffee-house, +for the purpose of closing, by refreshment, the morning's excursion. +</p> +<p> +Here Dashall recognized an old acquaintance in the person of an eminent +physician, who, after an interchange of civilities, resumed his attention +to the daily journals. +</p> +<p> +In the same box with this gentleman, and directly opposite, sat another, +whose health was apparently on the decline, who finding that the ingenious +physician had occasionally dropped into this coffee-house, had placed +himself <i>vis-a-vis</i> the doctor, and made many indirect efforts to +withdraw his attention from the newspaper to examine the index of his (the +invalid's) constitution. He at last ventured a bold push at once, in the +following terms: “Doctor,” said he, “I have for a long time been very far +from being well, and as I belong to an office, where I am obliged to +attend everyday, the complaints I have prove very troublesome to me, <span +class="pagenum">[236]</span> and I would be glad to remove them.”—The +doctor laid down his paper, and regarded his patient with a steady eye, +while he proceeded. “I have but little appetite, and digest what I eat +very poorly; I have a strange swimming in my head,” &c. In short, +after giving the doctor a full quarter of an hour's detail of all his +symptoms, he concluded the state of his case with a direct question:—“Pray, +doctor, what shall I take?” The doctor, in the act of resuming the +newspaper, gave him the following laconic prescription:—“Take, why, +take advice!” + </p> +<p> +This colloquy, and its ludicrous result, having been perfectly audible to +the company present, afforded considerable entertainment, of which the +manoeuvring invalid seemed in no degree willing to partake, for he +presently made his exit, without even thanking the doctor for his +gratuitous advice.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Limmeb's Hotel.—This justly esteemed Hotel was much +frequented by the late unfortunate Lord Camelford. Entering +the coffee-room one evening, meanly attired, as he often +was, he sat down to peruse the papers of the day. Soon after +came in a “dashing fellow,” a “first-rate blood,” who threw +himself into the opposite seat of the same box with Lord C, +and in a most consequential tone hallowed out, “Waiter! +bring in a pint of Madeira, and a couple of wax candles, and +put them in the next box.” He then drew to him Lord C.'s +candle, and set himself to read. His Lordship glanced at him +a look of indignation, but exerting his optics a little +more, continued to decypher his paper. The waiter soon re- +appeared, and with a multitude of obsequious bows, announced +his having completed the commands of the gentleman, who +immediately lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford +having finished his paragraph, called out in a mimic tone to +that of Mr.——-, “Waiter! bring me a pair of snuffers.” + These were quickly brought, when his Lordship laid down his +paper, walked round to the box in which Mr.——-was, snuffed +out both the candles, and leisurely returned to his seat. +Boiling with rage and fury, the indignant beau roared out, +“Waiter! waiter! waiter! who the devil is this fellow, that +dares thus to insult a gentleman? Who is he? What is he? +What do they call him?”—“Lord Camelford, Sir,” said the +waiter.—“Who? Lord Camelford!” returned the former, in a +tone of voice scarcely audible; horror-struck at the +recollection of his own impertinence, and almost doubting +whether he was still in existence—“Lord Camelford!!! What +have I to pay?” On being told, he laid down his score, and +actually stole away, without daring to taste his Madeira. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[237]</span> The repast ended, the friends +separated; Sir Felix to rejoin his august relative at their lodgings, and +arrange with her preparations for the entertainment of Tom and Bob, and +these two gentlemen also returning homewards to dress for the important +occasion. +</p> +<p> +Passing the house of his tailor, the Baronet stept in, and desired Mr. +Snip to send to his lodgings, any time in the course of the evening, for +the last new suit, for the purpose of alteration, as had been already +pointed out. +</p> +<p> +Miss Macgilligan had preceded her nephew in reaching home, and gave him, +on his arrival, an appropriate and edifying lecture on a three-fold +subject, embracing—petulancy,—respect to superiors,—and +veneration for the memory of our ancestors. +</p> +<p> +The Baronet, who never designed seriously to insult his aunt, but merely +to have a bye-blow at her prominent foible,—pride of descent,—listened +with becoming deference to her dissertation, which was interrupted by the +entrance of his servant, (the same who on a certain occasion confided to +Mother Cummings the safety of his master's property,{1})—“The +tailor's boy, Sir Felix, for the new suit your Honor ordered to be +altered.”—“Very well,” rejoined Sir Felix, “sure enough Mr. Snip is +prompt in observance of instructions,—let the lad have the suit +immediately.”—This business having been despatched, Miss Macgilligan +was about to resume her admonitory discourse; when, luckily, the arrival +of the expected guests prevented its continuance, and it was consequently +postponed until a more favourable opportunity. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Vide page 130. +</div> +<p> +Dinner was shortly announced, during which nothing occurred of particular +import. When the exhilirating “Tuscan grape” had superseded the discarded +viands, Miss Macgilligan mentioned, that she had been grossly imposed upon +by the driver of the hackney-chariot. It seems, that conceiving Jehu was +exacting more than his fare, the lady, presenting a handful of silver, +told him to take it all, if he thought proper, and the conscientious +knight of the whip had actually embraced the offer in its literal +acceptation, and pocketing the money, made the best of his way, before she +recovered from the surprise occasioned by this “iniquitous” transaction. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[238]</span> “Iniquitous!” repeated the Baronet;—“by +the powers of folly but there was no advantage taken at all, at all; and +the man must have been worse than an idiot had he rejected so liberal an +offer! Gra-machree, he might cry, and thanks to the donor, such +opportunities don't occur every day.” + </p> +<p> +Appealing to her guests, she had the mortification of finding the opinion +of her nephew supported.—“Certainly, madam,” said Dashall, “the +conduct of the man in putting a construction not meant upon your word, was +highly reprehensible; yet I am afraid that redress is unavailable. A gift +was implied, though obviously not intended, but impartially speaking, you +tendered a donation, and the man, if not morally right, was legally +justifiable in accepting it.” + </p> +<p> +While this case was under discussion, the baronet chuckled at the +mischance of his aunt, and in defiance of the admonition given him a few +hours before, seemed more petulant, less respectful, and totally +irreverent of his ancestors. +</p> +<p> +In the enjoyment of this triumph, and asserting that he could not be +taken-in, even by the most artfully conducted manouvre, he was struck dumb +by the information that Mr. Snip the tailor had called for the new suit. +“The devil fly over the hill of Howth with him!” exclaimed the astounded +Sir Felix, with a secret foreboding of evil, “has he not had the new suit, +hours ago?” + </p> +<p> +“He says not, sir,” answered the servant. +</p> +<p> +“Where then, in the name of mystery,” rejoined the baronet, “are the +clothes gone to? They were sent by his boy, were they not?” + </p> +<p> +“He denies, sir,” responded the servant, “that he sent for the clothes at +all at all.” + </p> +<p> +“Sowl of my grandmother! send in this snip of a tailor instantaneously.” + </p> +<p> +Dashall immediately surmised a fraud, and the statement of Snip converted +suspicion into fact. +</p> +<p> +Mr. Snip repeated, that he had not sent for the clothes; and neither did +he keep a boy; but he recollected that there was a lad in his shop +purchasing some trifling article at the time Sir Felix gave his address, +and ordered the new suit to be sent for; and there is no doubt, added +Snip, that this young adept, being thus put in the way of successfully +practising a fraud, gladly availed himself of the opportunity, and +obtained possession of the clothes in my name. But, Sir Felix (continued +Mr. Snip) it must have escaped your recollection when <span class="pagenum">[239]</span> +you sanctioned the delivery of the clothes, that I had particularly +cautioned you, when you first honoured me with your custom, against your +sending to my house any articles of apparel by pretended messengers from +me, unless on the authority of my own hand writing.” + </p> +<p> +“I exonerate you,” said the baronet, “from censure, and exempt you from +loss. I have been swindled. There is now no remedy. So make me another +suit, and by stricter vigilance, we shall endeavour to avoid future +depredation."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This is amongst the inferior classes of fraud daily +practised in the metropolis. The following is one of a +fust rate description. + +Swindling.—A case most ingeniously contrived and +successfully carried into execution on Saturday last, is +scarcely to be equalled on the records of fraud. It was +equal to that practised on Rundle and Bridge, the jewellers, +some time ago, but the present case is only at the expense +of four costly gold watches. The swindler, who called +himself Mr. Winter, is rather above the middle size, was +dressed in a brown frock coat, wears long whiskers, and is +well calculated for imposition in address and manner. A +house in Southampton-street, Strand, occupied by Mr. Holt, +the barrister, having been advertised to be let, Mr. Winter +called about it several times last week, and he appointed +Saturday last to call with some ladies, when he could give a +final answer; and the servants were desired, if the +occupants were from home, to shew the gentleman and his +party into the dining-room. Having secured this point, Mr. +Winter called upon Mr. Ely, a jeweller, at the latter end of +the week, and after looking over some trifles, in the shop, +he desired that some ladies' watches might be brought to his +residence, No. 5, Southampton-street, at a certain hour on +Saturday, for inspection. The swindler called some time +before the jeweller was expected, and inquired if the ladies +who were to meet him there had called, and being informed in +the negative, he affected surprise, and desired them to be +informed of his arrival when they came. He was shewn into +the front drawing-room, but he preferred the adjoining room, +and desired the servant to shew a gentleman, who would call, +into the front room, and let him know when he arrived. The +jeweller was to his time with the goods, and Mr. Winter paid +him a visit, and after looking over the goods, he selected +four watches, worth 100L. to shew the ladies in the next +room, instead of which he took his hat, and walked off with +the watches. After waiting till out of patience, the +jeweller rang the bell, and the servant missed Mr. Winter, +who had promised her servitude, the landlord his new tenant, +and the jeweller his watches! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[240]</span> It was now Miss Macgilligan's turn to +triumph, but, to the surprise and relief of her nephew, she did not avail +herself of the privilege; sensible, perhaps, that the loss which site +sustained, was occasioned by her own imprudence, and that his misfortune +might have happened to those even the most guarded against deception, she +consoled instead of recriminating. The most perfect unanimity now +prevailed between the two relatives; and the evening passed on with +increased pleasure. The unexpected migration of the new suit led to +conversation on the frauds of London, when Dashall justly observed, that +if the ingenuity exemplified in depredation was exercised in honest +industry, in place of being now the pest, many of those men might have +been the ornaments of Society. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0004"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XVIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Tho' village delights may charm for a time, +With hunting, with cricket, with trap-ball and such, +The rambles in London are bang-up and prime, +And never can tire or trouble us much; +Tis a life of variety, frolic, and fun: +Rove which way you will, right or left, up or down. +All night by the gas, and all day by the sun, +Sure no joys can compare with the joys of the town.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[241]</span> Our two friends, in consequence of some +allusions made by the company at the Finish, on a preceding day, to a +house of great theatrical celebrity in Drury-lane, resolved on a visit the +following evening; and it may here be necessary to introduce such of our +readers as are not in the secret, to the same. +</p> +<p> +The Harp, opposite Drury-lane Theatre, is well known as the resort of +theatrical amateurs and professors; but those who have not had an +opportunity of visiting its interior, can scarcely form an idea of the +mirth, wit, and humour constantly displayed within its walls. The +circumstance here alluded to, though not exactly introduced in point of +time, is one which generally takes place once in three years; viz. the +election of a Mayor to represent the now City of Lushington, an event +which is attended with as much of bustle, interest, and whimsicality, as a +popular election for a member of Parliament. The generality of the persons +who are frequent visitors to the house are termed <i>Harponians</i>, and +by due qualification become citizens of Lushington. Although we cannot +give a true and circumstantial history of this ancient city, we doubt not +our numerous readers will discover that its title is derived from an +important article in life, commonly called Lush. The four wards are also +appropriately titled, as symbolical of the effects which are usually +produced by its improper application. On entering the room, the first +corner on the right hand is <i>Suicide Ward</i>, and derives its +appellation from a society so named, in which each member is bound by an +oath, that however he might feel inclined to lay violent hands upon his +glass, he would not lay violent hands upon his own existence. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[242]</span> The left hand corner has also a name as +appropriate as its neighbour, being called <i>Poverty Ward</i>; so termed +from its vicinity to the door, and the ease with which a citizen, whose +tanner case{1} and toggery{2} are out of repair, may make his entree and +exit, without subjecting himself to the embarrassing gaze and scrutiny of +his more fortunate fellow-citizens. Juniper Ward, which is directly +opposite to Poverty Ward, may in a moral point of view be said to mark the +natural gradation rom the one to the other. Whether these wards are so +placed by the moral considerations of the ingenious citizens or not, we +are at present unable to learn; but we have discovered that <i>Juniper +Ward</i> is so called in consequence of a club, consisting of seven +citizens, who bound themselves to meet every evening exactly on the spot, +taking each upon himself to defray the expense of <i>blue ruin</i> for the +whole party on each evening alternately. In the corner directly opposite +to Suicide Ward is <i>Lunatic Ward</i>, indicative no doubt of the few +steps there are between the one and the other: hence the four corner +pillars of this ancient and honourable city are replete with moral +instruction to the wise and discriminating part of society. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Tanner case—a pocket. + +2 Toggery—cloathing. +</div> +<p> +Each of these wards, like the wards of the City of London, has its +alderman, and no doubt can be entertained of their being ably represented, +as well as their rights and privileges being well secured and sustained. A +gentleman who is well known and highly respected for his abilities and +attentions as theatrical agent, which character he has sustained for many +years, is high bailiff, and at proper periods issues his writ in the +following form:— +</p> +<p> +“City of Lushington, (to wit.) +</p> +<p> +“The high bailiff having received a requisition to convene a meeting for +the purpose of nominating aldermen to represent the different wards, and +from them to elect a mayor for the above city for the year ensuing; +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[243]</span> “The high bailiff, in pursuance +thereof, fixes Saturday the 22d December inst. to nominate for the purpose +aforesaid, and from thence proceed to the election, which election is to +continue till the following Monday, being the 24th, when the poll is to be +closed. +</p> +<p> +“Given under my hand, this 18th day of December, 1821. (Signed) “F. SIMS, +high bailiff.” + </p> +<p> +“Lushington Hall.” + </p> +<p> +“The election to commence at 7 o'clock; the poll to be closed at half-past +10.” + </p> +<p> +After this official notice, preparations are made in due form for the +election, and in the fitting up of the hustings the most skilful and +ingenious artists are selected from the several wards, while the +candidates are employed in forming their committees, and canvassing their +friends and fellow-citizens, each of them professing an intention to +intersect the city with canals of sky blue, to reduce the price of heavy +wet, and to cultivate plantations of the weed, to be given away for the +benefit and advantage of the community, thereby to render taxation +useless, and the comforts of life comeatable by all ranks and degrees of +society. To take the burthensome load of civic state upon themselves, in +order that their friends and neighbours may be free; that independence may +become universal, and that the suffrages of the people may be beyond +controul nor can it be doubted but these professions are made with as much +sincerity in many of a similar nature in larger cities, and in situations +of much greater importance. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“For quacks profess the nation's ills to cure, +To mend small fortunes, and set up the poor; +And oft times neatly make their projects known, +By mending not the public's, but their own. +The poor indeed may prove their watchful cares, +That nicely sift and weigh their mean affairs, +From scanty earnings nibbling portions small, +As mice, by bits, steal cheese with rind and all; +But why should statesmen for mechanics carve, +What are they fit for but to work and starve.” + </div> +<p> +It is, however, proper to observe, that in the City of Lushington there +are no sinecures, no placemen and pensioners, to exhaust the treasury; +honour is the grand inducement for the acceptance of office, and highly +honour'd are those who are fortunate enough to obtain the mark s of +distinction to which they aspire. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[244]</span> The oath administered upon such +occasions is of a most serious and solemn nature; which, however, +notwithstanding the conscientious scruples of the voters, must be taken +with suitable gravity before they can be, permitted to poll; being in +substance nearly as follows:— +</p> +<p> +“I (A. B.) do swear that I have been an inhabitant of the City of +Lushington for the space of — years; and that I have taken within +its walls — pots of porter, — glasses of jackey, and smoked +—pipes; (the blanks are filled in according to circumstances); that +is to say, one pot of heavy wet, one glass of juniper, and one loading of +weed at least annually; have been the cause of such acts in others, or +have been present when such acts have been performed; and that I have not +polled at this election.” + </p> +<p> +This oath is sworn with all due solemnity, by kissing the foot of a broken +glass, and the vote is then recorded. +</p> +<p> +Tom and Bob, who had so little previous intimation of this important +event, were informed as they proceeded to the scene of action, by a friend +of one of the candidates, that the election was strongly contested between +Sir William Sims, the son of the worthy high bailiff, Sir Benjamin +Rosebud, Jessamine Sweetbriar, Sir Peter Paid, and Peregrine Foxall, the +silver-toned orator, strongly supported by the Tag Rag and Bobtail Club. +Sir Frederick Atkinson introduced and proposed by the Marquis of Huntley, +a well known sporting character from the county of Surrey, and Mr. +Alderman Whetman, of Lushington notoriety. The door of the house was well +guarded by the <i>posse comitatis</i>, armed with staves, emblematical of +the renowned city to which they belonged, and decorated with the favors of +the different candidates by whom they were employed, or whose interest +they espoused. The staves, instead of the crown, were surmounted by +quartern measures, and produced a most striking and novel effect, as they +appeared to be more reverenced and respected than that gaudy bauble which +is a representative of Royalty. +</p> +<p> +At the moment of our friends entrance, large bodies of voters were brought +up by canvassing parties from the surrounding habitations, with colours +flying, and were introduced in succession to poll; and as time was fast +escaping, every one was active in support of his favourite candidate. All +was bustle and anxiety, and Tom and Bob approached the hustings with two +chimney-sweepers, a hackney-coachman, and three light bearers, alias +link-carriers, from Covent Garden Theatre. Having polled for Sir William +Sims, who very politely returned thanks for <span class="pagenum">[245]</span> +the honour conferred on him, standing room was provided for them by the +inhabitants of Lunatic Ward, who it should seem, like others under the +influence of the moon, have their lucid intervals, and who upon this +occasion displayed a more than usual portion of sanity, mingled with good +humour and humanity. +</p> +<p> +In this quarter of the city, where our friends expected to find +distracted, or at least abstracted intellect, they were very pleasingly +disappointed at discovering they were associated with reasonable and +intelligent beings; although some of them, fatigued by their exertions +during the election, were so strongly attacked by Somnus, that +notwithstanding the bustle with which they were surrounded, they +occasionally dropped into the arms of the drowsy god, and accompanied the +proceedings with a snore, till again roused to light and life by some more +wakeful inhabitant. +</p> +<p> +At the appointed time, the high bailiff announced the election closed, and +after an examination of the votes, declared the choice to have fallen on +Sir William, a circumstance which drew forth a unanimous burst of +approbation, long, loud, and deep, which in a few moments being +communicated to those without. This was as cordially and as vociferously +answered by anxious and admiring crowds. +</p> +<p> +The influx of citizens, upon the event being known, to hear the speeches +of the different candidates, choaked up every avenue to the hustings, and +beggars all description; the inimitable pencil of a Hogarth could hardly +have done justice to the scene, and a Common Hall of the City of London +might be considered a common fool to it; every voter had a right, +established that right, and enjoyed it. Here stood the well-dressed +Corinthian in his bang-up toggery, alongside of a man in armour, one of +the Braziers Company, armed with a pot-lid and a spit, and decorated with +a jack-chain round his neck. There stood a controller of the prads, a +Jarvey, in close conversation with one of the lighters of the world, with +his torch in hand. A flue faker in one corner, was endeavouring to explain +a distinction between smoke and gas to a lamplighter, who declared it as +his opinion, “that the City of Lushington,—at all times a luminous +and deservedly revered City,—had had more light thrown upon it that +election, by the introduction of the link carriers, than it ever had +before; and likewise that his dissertation on smoke and gas was not worth +one puff from his pipe.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[246]</span> In the midst of this bustle, noise and +confusion, it was some time before the high bailiff could obtain silence; +when Sir William made his appearance on the hustings, and in language well +suited for the occasion, declared the heartfelt gratitude he entertained +for the high and distinguished honour so handsomely conferred upon him, +with his determination never to lose sight of the invaluable rights and +privileges of his constituents, assuring them they were welcome to indulge +themselves with any thing the house afforded. He next complimented his +opponents on the very gentlemanlike way in which the election had been +conducted, and alluded most emphatically to the introduction of those +voters who endeavour to lighten the darkness of the world, the +link-carriers, who by their manners and conduct had become on that +occasion as it were links of a chain, which in point of friendship, good +humour and independence, he sincerely hoped would never be broken. +Rapturous applause followed this speech, which notwithstanding the almost +overpowering load of gratitude with which the speaker was burthened, was +given with good emphasis and corresponding effect. +</p> +<p> +The other candidates returned thanks to those of their fellow-citizens who +had supported their interest; and no one seeming inclined to call for a +scrutiny, Sir William took the official oath, and was invested with the +cloathing of magistracy, which being done, Mr. Alderman Whetman arose to +address the mayor. +</p> +<p> +The well known ability usually displayed by this gentleman, his patriotic +zeal, and undeviating integrity, commanded immediate silence, while he +informed the chief magistrate of a circumstance which had recently +occurred, and which left one of the wards unrepresented, by a worthy +alderman who in consequence of accepting an office in the board of +controul, had by the laws of Lushington vacated his seat. An explanation +being demanded, it appeared that the worthy alderman had become a deputy +manager of a country theatre, and consequently must be considered under +the board of controul; it was therefore necessary he should at least be +re-elected before he could be allowed to continue in the distinguished +station of alderman: this point being agreed to, the situation was +declared vacant, and a time appointed for the election. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[247]</span> The official business of the election +being over, harmony and conviviality became the order of the night; +foaming bowls and flowing glasses decorated the tables; many of the +citizens withdrawing to rest after their labours, made room for those who +remained, and every one seemed desirous to +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Wreath the bowl +With flowers of soul, +The brightest wit can find us; +We'll take a flight +Towards heav'n to-night, +And leave dull earth behind us.” + </div> +<p> +The song, the toast, the sentiment, followed each other in rapid +succession; mirth and good humour prevailed, and time, while he exhausted +himself, appeared to be inexhaustible. The beams of wit, the lively +sallies of humour, and the interchange of good fellowship, eradiated the +glass in its circulation, and doubly enhanced its contents; and in +amusements so truly congenial with the disposition of the Hon. Tom Dashall +and his Cousin, they joined till after four o'clock in the morning, thus +rendering themselves true and devoted citizens of Lushington, when they +sallied forth, tolerably well primed for any lark or spree which chance +might throw in their way. It was a fine morning, and while the shopkeepers +and trades-men were taking their rest, the market gardeners and others +were directing their waggons and carts to Covent Garden. +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “we will just take a turn round the +Garden, and a stroll down Drury-lane, for a walk will do us no harm after +our night's amusement, and we can hardly fail to find subjects worthy of +observation, though; in all probability we are too early to realize all +the poet's description of a market:” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“A market's the circle for frolic and glee, +Where tastes of all kinds may be suited; +The dasher, the quiz, and the “up to all”—he, +Pluck sprees from the plants in it rooted. +If the joker, or queer one, would fain learn a place, +Where they'd wish for a morning to “lark it,” + They need go no further than just shew their face, +In that region of mirth, a large market.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[248]</span> The streets that surround the theatres, +and which of an evening are thronged with the elegant equipage of the +visitors, were now filled with carts, waggons, and other vehicles of +various denominations, for conveyance of the marketable commodities to and +from the place of sale: here and there were groupes of Irishmen and +basket-women, endeavouring to obtain a load, and squabbling with assiduous +vociferations for the first call. +</p> +<p> +“This,” said Tom, “is the largest market for vegetables we have in the +metropolis, and supplies numerous retail dealers with their stock in +trade; who assemble here early in the morning to make their bargains, and +get them home before the more important business of the day, that of +selling, commences.” While Tom was explaining thus briefly to his Cousin, +aloud laugh attracted their attention, and drew them to a part of the +market where a crowd was collected, to witness a squabble between a Jew +orange merchant and a pork butcher.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Although the Hon. Tom Dashall hurried his Cousin from the +scene of altercation, at the time of its occurrence, they +enjoyed a hearty laugh at the following report of the facts +which appeared in one of the morning papers shortly +afterwards:— + +EFHRAIM versus STEWART. + +“This was a proceeding in limine, by which the plain till' +sought reparation for violence done to his religious +scruples and bodily health by the defendant, inasmuch as he, +the plaintiff being a Jew, on Wednesday, the 12th day of +this month, in the forenoon, in the parish of St. Paul +Covent Garden, did, with malice aforethought, knock him down +with a pig's head, contrary to the statute, and against the +peace of our Sovereign Lord the King,” &c. + +Both plaintiff and defendant pleaded each for himself, no +counsel being employed on either side. + +Ephraim Ephraim deposed, that he is by profession an orange- +merchant, carrying on his business in Covent Garden market. +That the defendant, Richard Stewart, is a dealer in pork and +poultry in the said market; and that he the said Richard +Stewart, on the day and time then stated, did thrust a pig's +face against his cheek with such violence, as to throw him +backwards into a chest of oranges, whereby he sustained +great damage both in body, mind, and merchandize. Plaintiff +stated moreover, that he had previously and on sundry +occasions forewarned the said Richard Stewart, it was +contrary to the tenets of his religion to come in contact +with pork, and yet nevertheless he the said Richard did +frequently, and from time to time, intrude pork upon his +attention, by holding it up aloft in the market, and +exclaiming aloud, “Ephraim, will you have a mouthful?” All +this, he humbly submitted, betokened great malice and +wickedness in the said Richard, and he therefore besought +the magistrate to interpose the protection of the law in bis +behalf. + +The magistrate observed, that he was astonished a person of +Mr. Stewart's appearance and respectability should be guilty +of such conduct, and having explained to him that the law +afforded equal protection to the professors of every +religion, called upon him for his defence. + +“May it please your Worship,” said Mr. Richard Stewart, who +is a well fed man, of a jolly and pleasing countenance, +“May it please your Worship, I keeps a shop in Covent Garden +Market, and have done so any time these ten years, and Mr. +Ephraim's stand is next to mine. Now, your Worship, on +Wednesday morning I'd a hamper o'pork sent up out +o'Hertfordshire, and so I opened the hamper, and at the top +of it lay a nice head, and I takes it and holds it up and +says I, Heres a bootiful head, says I, did ever any body see +such a handsome un, and sure enough your Worship it was the +most bootiftd as ever was, and would a done any body's heart +good to see it. It was cut so clean of the quarter (drawing +his finger closely across his own neck), and was so short +i'the snout, and as white as a sheet,—it was, your Worship, +remarkably handsome. And so, I said, says I, look here, did +ever tiny body see such a picture, holding it up just in +this manner. With that, 'Ah, says Mr. Ephraim, says he, now +my dream's out; I dream't last night that I saw two pig's +heads together, and there they are;' meaning my head, and +the pig's head, your Worship. Well, I took no notice o'that, +but I goes me gently behind him, and slides the pig's head +by the side of his head, claps my own o' the other side all +on a row, with the pig's in the middle, your Worship; and +says I to the folks, says I, now who'll say which is the +honestest face of the three. With that, your Worship, all +the folks fell a laughing, and I goes myself quietly back +again to a stall. But poor Ephraim, he fell in such a +passion! Lord, Lord, to see what a pucker he were in, he +danced, and he capered, and he rubbed his whiskers, though I +verily believe the pig's head never touched him; and he +jumped and he fidgeted about, all as one as if he was mad, +till at last he tumbled into the orange chest, your Worship, +of his own accord, as it were, and that's the long and the +short of it, your Worship, as my neighbours here can +specify.” + +His Worship, having listened attentively to those +conflicting statements, decided that the defendant had acted +indecently in insulting the religious feelings of the +plaintiff, though at the same time the affair was hardly +worth carrying to the Sessions, and therefore he would +recommend the plaintiff to be satisfied with an apology. + +The defendant expressed the greatest willingness to +apologize. “For,” says he, “I have ax'd another Jew what +could make Mr. Ephraim in such a passion; and he told me, +your Worship, that if you get a rale Jew, and rub him with a +bit o'pork, it's the greatest crime as ever was.” + +Plaintiff and defendant then retired, and the +matter was compromised. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[250]</span> The Israelite appeared to be in a great +rage, swore he would have revenge of his insulting neighbour, and pull him +up. The exasperation of the Jew afforded much merriment to the spectators, +who seemed to enjoy his aggravation: our friends, however, had arrived too +late to discover the cause, and although not very particular about +discovering themselves amid the mob, conceived it most prudent to move +onward without inquiry; “for,” as Tom observed, “if we ask any questions +we are sure to be told lies: “they then passed through the Market, made +their way up James-street to Long Acre, and thence to Drury-lane. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link4image-0001"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page250.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page250.jpg Drury Lane "><br> +</div> +<p> +The watchmen were just leaving their stations, with an intention to +partake of what they had all night been endeavouring to deprive others, +and the humbler ranks of society were preparing for the business of the +day; while the batter'd beau, the clean'd out buck, and the dissipated +voluptuary, were occasionally to be seen gliding from holes and corners, +and scampering home with less wisdom in their heads, and less money in +their purses, than when they left. Here was to be seen the City shopman, +hastening away from his dulcenea, to get down his master's shutters before +the gouty old gentleman should be able to crawl down stairs; there, the +dandy, half dressed, and more than half seas over, buttoning his toggery +close round him to keep out the damp air of the morning, affecting to sing +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Be gone dull care;” + </div> +<p> +slipped along, as he supposed, unobserved, between dustmen, scavengers, +flue-fakers, gardeners, fish-fags, and brick-layer's labourers—to +refit and put himself in a situation to recount the adventures of the +night. At one door, stood a shivering group of half-starved +chimney-sweepers, rending the air with their piercing cries of “sweep,” + occasionally relieved by a few hearty d—-ns bestowed upon the +servant, that she did not come down, in order to let a diminutive urchin +yet up the flue; leaning against a post at the corner of the street was an +overdone Irishman, making a bargain with pug-nosed Peg, a sort of +half-bred pinafore cyprian, whose disappointments during the night induced +her to try at obtaining a morning customer. The Hibernian was relating the +ill usage he had been subjected to, and the necessity he had of making a +hasty retreat from the quarters he had taken up; while Bet Brill, on her +road to Billingsgate, was blowing him up for wearing odd boots, and being +a hod man—blowing a cloud sufficient to enliven and revive the whole +party. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[251]</span> “Poor fellow,” said Tom, “it would be a +charity to pop him into a rattler, and drive him home; and do you see, he +is standing close to a mud cart, the delicate drippings of which are +gently replenishing his otherwise empty pockets.” + </p> +<p> +“Be aisy,” said Pat Murphy the hodman, “arn't he an Irish jontleman, arn't +I a jontleman from Ireland; and arn't it lit and proper, and right and +just, as well as jontlemanly, that two jontlemen should go together, so +come along Peg, we'll just take a taste of the cratur, drink success to +the lads of Shellaly, and put the matter in its right shape.” With this +pug-nosed Peg seized him by one arm, and the last orator by the other, and +in a short time they entered a sluicery in the neighbourhood, which +enclosed the party from view. +</p> +<p> +Turning from the group which they had been paying attention to, they were +suddenly attracted by a female purveyor for the stomach, who was serving +out her tea, coffee, and saloop, from a boiling cauldron, and handing with +due complaisance to her customers bread and butter, which was as eagerly +swallowed and devoured by two dustmen, who appeared to relish their +delicate meal with as much of appetite and gout, as the pampered palate of +a City alderman would a plate of turtle. The figure of the lady, whose +commodities were thus desirable and refreshing to the hungry +dust-collectors, struck Bob at the first view as having something matronly +and kind about it. +</p> +<p> +“These persons,” said Tom, “are really useful in their vocation; and while +they provide a wholesome beverage for the industrious, are rather +deserving of approbation than censure or molestation: the latter, however, +they are frequently subjected to; for the kids of lark, in their moments +of revelry, think lightly of such poor people's stock in trade, and +consider it a prime spree to upset the whole concern, without caring who +may be scalded by the downfall, or how many of their fellow-creatures may +go without a breakfast and dinner in consequence; but do you mark the +other woman behind her?” + </p> +<p> +“I do,” said Bob, “and it is impossible to view them both without noticing +the striking contrast they form to each other.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[252]</span> “Your observations are just,” continued +Tom; “that is an old beldame of the neighbourhood, in search of the poor +unhappy girl who has just taken the Irishman in tow, an encourager of all +that is vicious and baneful in society.” + </p> +<p> +“I could almost judge that from her features,” replied Bob, “though I do +not pretend to much skill in physiognomy.” + </p> +<p> +“A debauched body and a vitiated mind are perceptible in her face, and +having remained on the town till these were too visible for her to hope +for a continuance, she is now a tutoress of others, to make the most of +those with whom they promiscuously associate. She furnishes the finery, +and shares the plunder. It is, however, a melancholy and disgusting +picture of Real Life in London, and merely deserves to be known in order +to be avoided, for there is no species of villainy to which persons of her +stamp”— +</p> +<p> +“Of whom it is to be hoped there are but few,” cried Tallyho, interrupting +him. +</p> +<p> +“For the sake of human nature,” replied Dashalt., “it is to be hoped so; +but there is no species of villainy to which they will not stoop.” {1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The Hon. Tom Dashall's observations on this subject are +but too strikingly exemplified by a case heard at Worship- +street Police Office a short time back, in which Jemima +Matthews was charged with conduct which excited astonishment +at the depravity of human nature.—One of the parish +constables of Spitalfields stated, he proceeded to the +residence of the prisoner in Upper Cato-street, and found +the wretch at the bar surrounded by eight children, while a +supper, consisting of a variety of meats and vegetables, was +making ready on the fire. Three children, Frederick Clark, +John Clark, and John Bailey, were owned by their parents. +The children seemed so much under the controul of this +infamous woman, that they were afraid to tell the truth +until she was removed from the bar. Little Bailey then said, +they were daily sent out to steal what they could, and bring +it home in the evening. When they could get nothing else, +they stole meat from the butchers, and vegetables from the +green-grocers. The woman kept a pack of cards, by which she +told their fortunes, whether they would succeed, or be +caught by the officers. Mr. Swaby observed, that since he +had attended the Office, he never witnessed a case of so +much iniquity. The prisoner was remanded for further +examination, and the magistrate intimated he should desire +the parish to prosecute her for the misdemeanor, in exciting +these children to commit felonies. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[253]</span> At this moment their attention was +suddenly called to another subject, by a loud huzza from a combination of +voices at no great distance from where they then were, and in a few +minutes a considerable concourse of dustmen and others appeared in view. +</p> +<p> +“There is something in the wind,” said Dashall, “we must have a look at +these gentry, for there is frequently some humour among them. +</p> +<p> +“I hope,” replied Bob, “they have not overturned the dustcart in the wind, +for I am apprehensive in such a case we should scarcely have eyes to view +their frolics.” + </p> +<p> +Tom laughed at the ready turn of his Cousin, and remarking that all flesh +was dust, proceeded towards the increasing party: here they soon found +out; that, as a venerable son of the fan-tailed-hat fraternity described +it, “a screw was loose.” + </p> +<p> +“Perhaps,” inquired Bob, “it is the linch-pin.” “Why aye, mayhap as how +that there may be the case for aught I knows about it. Howsomdever, I'll +tell you all about it:—first and foremost you must know that Dick +Nobbs lives down here in Charles-street, and Dick Nobbs has got a wife. +Now she is the devil's own darling, and Dick is a match for her or the +devil himself, come from wherever he may, but as good a fellow as ever +lapp'd up a pail full of water-gruel; and so you must know as how Dick has +this here very morning been found out, in bed with another man's wife. The +other man is a nightman, and rubbish-carter, vhat lives in the same house +with Dick; so this here man being out all night at a job, Dick gets lushy, +and so help me———, he finds his way steady enough into +that there man's bed, and vhen that there man comes home, my eyes vhat a +blow up! There lays Dick Nobbs fast asleep in the man's wife's arms, so he +kicks up a row—Dick shews fight—and the man comes and tells us +all about it; so we are going to try him for a misdemeanor, and he can't +help himself no how whatsomedever.” + </p> +<p> +Tom was alive to the story, and in a few minutes the culprit was conducted +to a neighbouring public-house, tried before a whole bench of the society, +cast, and condemned to undergo the usual sentence in such cases made and +provided, entitled, “Burning Shame,” and active preparations were making +by those of the fraternity without, to carry into immediate execution the +sentence pronounced by those within. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[254]</span> The offender was decorated with a bunch +of Christmas in his hat, and two large carrots in the front, to represent +horns. In this manner he was mounted on the brawny shoulders of four of +his companions, preceded by the crier of the court, another dustman, with +a bell, which he rung lustily, and at intervals proclaimed the crime of +which the culprit had been found guilty. After the crier, followed eight +more of the brotherhood, two and two, their hats ornamented with bunches +of holly, and a burning candle in the front of each hat. Then came the +culprit, carried as already described, with a pot of heavy wet in one +hand, and a pipe of tobacco in the other, which he occasionally smoaked, +stooping forward to light it at one of the candles in the fantail hats of +his two front supporters. The rear of this ludicrous procession was +brought up by several other dustmen and coalheavers, and their ladies. The +procession set out from Charles-street, down Drury-lane, Great +Queen-street, Wild-street, and round Clare Market, followed by an immense +crowd, which kept increasing as they went, and nearly rendered the streets +impassable. Two collectors were appointed, one on each side of the street, +and were very active in levying contributions among the spectators to +defray the expenses. They stopped at several public-houses, where they +quaffed off oceans of heavy wet, and numerous streamlets of old Jamaica, +and then returned to headquarters in Charles-street, where the offence was +drowned in drink, and they and their ladies passed the remainder of the +evening, as happy as beer and gin, rum and tobacco, could make them. +</p> +<p> +Having witnessed a considerable part of this ceremonious proceeding, and +been informed of the intended finale, our friends, who began to feel +somewhat uncomfortable for want of refreshment and rest, proposed +returning home; and having thrown themselves into a hack, they in a short +time arrived at Piccadilly. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0005"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XIX +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“'If in Real Life's chapter you e'er tind a blank, +?Tis yourself and you only you justly can thank; +For to him who is willing—there's no need to stand, +Since enough may be found 'twixt Mile End and the Strand +To instruct, to inform, to disgust or invite, +To deplore, to respect, to regret or delight.” + +“'Tis in London where unceasing novelty grows, +Always fresh—and in bloom like the opening rose; +But if to the rose we its sweetness compare, +“fis as freely confess'd many thorus gather there; +And if to avoid the latter you're prone, +?Tis at least quite as well, where they are, should be known.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[255]</span> The arrival at Piccadilly turned out to +be truly agreeable to our friends, who were scarcely dressed and seated at +the breakfast-table, before they were surprised by the unexpected +appearance of an old friend, whose company and conversation had upon many +occasions afforded them so much pleasure and information. This was no +other than Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +“My dear boy,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “you are welcome to the scene of +former gratifications. How is your better half, and all friends in the +country—any increase in the family? Why you look as healthy as +Hygeia, and as steady as old time.” + </p> +<p> +“I confess,” replied Sparkle, “you ask so many questions upon important +subjects in one breath, that I am quite deficient of wind to answer them +seriatim. You must therefore take an answer in two words—all's +right.” + </p> +<p> +“Enough,” replied Tom, “then I am content; but how, what,—are you in +town alone?” + </p> +<p> +“You shall know all in time, but don't drive on too hard. I am glad to +meet you again in the regions of fun, frolic, and humour, of which I doubt +not there is, as there always was, a plentiful stock. Glad to see you both +in good health and tip-top spirits. I have only come to pass a fortnight +with you; and as I intend to make the utmost use of every minute of the +time, don't let us waste in empty words what would be better employed in +useful deeds.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[256]</span> “Useful deeds,” re-echoed Tom, “useful +deeds—that savours of reflection. I thought you were fully aware it +is an article considered of little value in the labyrinths of London; but +since you are become, as I may venture to presume, a useful man, what may +be the objects upon which you propose to practise your utility?” + </p> +<p> +“Still the same I find, Tom; all life, spirit, and gaiety, nothing like a +hit, and I suppose you now think you have a palpable one. Never mind, I am +not easily disconcerted, therefore you may play off the artillery of your +wit without much chance of obtaining a triumph; but however, in plain +words, I expect to be a happy father in about another month.” + </p> +<p> +“O ho!” said Tom, “then you are really a useful member of society, and I +suppose are merely come up to town for the purpose of picking up a little +more useful information and instruction how to perform the part of Papa.” + </p> +<p> +“Nay,” replied Sparkle, “I could hardly expect to obtain such from you. I +must therefore be excused and acquitted of all such intentions—but +joking apart, how are you devoted?” + </p> +<p> +“To you,” replied Tallyho, who was much pleased by this accession to their +society. +</p> +<p> +“Then,” continued Sparkle, “lend me all the assistance in your power. When +did you see our old friend Merrywell!” + </p> +<p> +“The last time I saw him was in a place of safety, studying the law, and +taking lessons from its professors in the Priory.” + </p> +<p> +“We must find him,” replied Sparkle; “so if you are not engaged, come +along, and I will relate the circumstances which induce this search as we +proceed.” + </p> +<p> +To this proposal Tom and Bob readily acceding, the party were quickly on +their way towards Abbot's Park. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[257]</span> “You must know,” said Sparkle, “that +Merry well's uncle in the country having received some information upon +the subject of his confinement, probably very highly coloured, has since +his release withdrawn his patronage and support, so that the poor fellow +has been without supplies for some time past, and I am at a loss to +conjecture by what means he is now working the oracle for a subsistence. +His uncle, however, is in the last stage of a severe illness, with little +chance of recovery; and as I apprehend there is but little time to spare, +I intend, if possible, to find our old acquaintance, start him for his +relative's residence, in hope that he may arrive in time to be in at the +death, and become inheritor of his estate, which is considerable, and may +otherwise be apportioned among persons for whom he has had but little or +no regard while living.” + </p> +<p> +“The object in view is a good one,” said Dashall, “and I sincerely hope we +shall succeed in our endeavours.” + </p> +<p> +Passing down St. James's-street, Sparkle was quickly recognized by many of +his old acquaintances and friends, and congratulated upon his return to +the scenes where they had, in company with him, enjoyed many a lark; and +invitations came in as fast upon nim as the moments of life were fleeting +away: for the present, however, all engagements were declined, till the +principal object of his journey to London should be accomplished; and +after inquiries about old friends, and observations upon the passing +occurrences of the moment were over, they proceeded on their way. +Westminster Bridge was the precise line of direction for them to pursue, +and as fortune would have it, they had scarcely arrived at the foot of it, +before they discovered Merrywell bustling along in an opposite direction: +he, however, appeared rather inclined to pass without recognition or +acknowledgment, when Sparkle turning close upon him, gave him a hearty tap +on the shoulder, which made him as it were involuntarily turn his head. +</p> +<p> +“Well met,” said Sparkle, “I want you.” + </p> +<p> +“At whose suit. Sir?” was the immediate inquiry. +</p> +<p> +“To suit yourself,” was a reply as quickly given. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds!” said Merrywell, “I had little idea of being tapped on the +shoulder by an old friend—but are you indeed in earnest?” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly I am, and can't be refused; but if you should be pinched for +bail, I think I have two friends with me who will do the needful;” + introducing Tom and Bob. +</p> +<p> +“I see how it is,” continued Merrywell, “and have no objection to a joke; +but I can't bear to have it carried too far.—How d'ye do, how d'ye +do—can't stop—in a devil of a hurry—full of business.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[258]</span> “Zounds!” said Tom, “you are almost as +bad as the man who having married a wife could not come; but if I may be +so bold, whither away so fast?” + </p> +<p> +“To Westminster Hall—the sessions is on—must go—law is +like the tide, it stays for none—adieu.” + </p> +<p> +“We cannot part thus,” said Sparkle, “I have come some miles in search of +you, and cannot afford to be played with now.” + </p> +<p> +“Then accompany me to Westminster Hall, and I will be at your service.” + </p> +<p> +“If not,” replied Sparkle, “I shall enter a special detainer against you—so +come along.” + </p> +<p> +They now entered Westminster Hall, where Merry well having disposed of +some briefs and other papers into the hands of a counsellor preparatory to +a cause coming on; +</p> +<p> +“There,” continued he, unow I am at your service.” + </p> +<p> +“Then tell me,” said Sparkle, “what you are at.” + </p> +<p> +“First,” inquired Merry well, “let me know what is your object in asking +such a question.” + </p> +<p> +This being briefly explained, together with the absolute necessity there +was for his leaving town without delay— +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said he, “I am at liberty to give you a sketch of circumstances +which have befallen me since I saw you last.” + </p> +<p> +“Come then,” said Dashall, “we will proceed to Piccadilly, spend a +comfortable afternoon, and ship you off by the mail from the White Horse +Cellar at eight o'clock.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” was the reply. “Well, now you must understand, I am a +sort of dabbler in professions. I was liberated from the high wall of the +Priory by the Insolvent Debtor's Act; and since the unfortunate +representation to the Old Boy, which deprived me of the needful supplies, +I have tried my hand in three different ways.” + </p> +<p> +“And which are they?” + </p> +<p> +“Love, law, and literature,” continued Merry well. +</p> +<p> +“A very pretty combination,” said Dashall, “and are you able to make them +blend comfortably together?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[259]</span> “Nothing more easy in the world. In the +first place, a lady has taken a fancy to me, which fancy I am willing to +indulge; in return for which she provides me with every indulgence.—I +profess to be principal in the office of a” lawyer of established +practice, who suffers me to share in the profits of such business as I can +obtain. In the way of literature I have as yet done but little, though I +am encouraged to hope much, from the success of others. Indeed I am told, +if I can but write libels for John Bull, I may make a rapid fortune.” + </p> +<p> +“And when so made,” said Sparkle, “I shall wish you well with it; but I +think the speculation I have already named much more likely to turn out +equal to your wishes, and more consonant with your feelings, than the +pursuit of either of those you have mentioned.” + </p> +<p> +“There I agree perfectly with you; and if I can make all right with the +old gentleman, a fig for all the rest of my occupations: but you know I +always liked independence, and if I could not get a fortune ready made, I +had a desire to be the architect of one I should raise for myself.” + </p> +<p> +“Why I know you have generally borne the character of a man of genius.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes, and a deal my character did for me after quitting the walls. Why +man, I happened to hear of a vacancy in a city parish school, for which I +ventured to conceive myself duly qualified, and therefore determined to +make application to the churchwardens, one of whom had the character of +being a man of great power, and was said to be the first in his line in +the three kingdoms. Away I posted, full of hope and expectation of +becoming a second Caleb Quotem, not doubting but salary and circumstances +would turn out exactly to my wish.” + </p> +<p> +“But I thought you liked independence,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Rather too much to engage in that concern,” was the reply, “as you will +hear presently. Upon tracing out this gentleman who bore so strong a +recommendation to particular notice, you may guess my surprise upon +finding 'Purveyor of sausages' in gold letters over his door.” + </p> +<p> +Dashall burst into an irresistible laugh, and was most cordially joined by +Sparkle and Tallyho, who were now strongly interested in the result of +Merrywell's account. +</p> +<p> +“When I arrived,” continued Merry well, “this patron was reading the +newspaper, which he threw down immediately upon my entrance, having +mistaken me for a customer.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[260]</span> “Survaut, Sir,” said he, pulling down +his greasy waist-coat.—“I am come, Sir,” said I, “to make some +inquiry concerning a vacant school-master-ship.”—“Oh there again,” + resumed the sausage-making churchwarden,—“Vy you are the seventeenth +fellow that has been here to-day a bothering me about this plaguy vacasey. +How do you read? you'll have a trial before me and my brother +representative of this parish, and my spouse will also attend the reading +bouts. Now if so be as you minds your hits, why then may be you'll be the +dominy. But, mind you, I don't like your sonorous voices, and my spouse—she +knows things quite as well as I do,—she vants a great deal of +action, so only you mind, loud and sonorous, and plenty of muscular motion +for my spouse, that's the vay to win; but I haven't any time to talk to +you now, you must call of an evening, when I am more at leisure, and then +I'll explain; so move off now, Sir, move off, for I sees a customer coming—survant +maum.”—“Flesh and blood could bear no more, and so”———“So +what,” said Sparkle; “did you knock him down in the midst of his own +sausages?” + </p> +<p> +“No, no, I knew too much of the law for that; but I cut the churchwarden, +and bolted from the sausage-shop, determined to embrace law, physic, or +divinity, in preference to cutting +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“————— The rumps +Of little school-boy Jackies.” + </div> +<p> +“The study of the law was rather compulsory than voluntary, for during my +residence in the College I was under the necessity of devoting some part +of my time to, though I felt no great partiality for it; and you know law +is law; and as in such, and so forth, and hereby and aforesaid, provided +always nevertheless notwithstanding, law is like a country dance, people +are led up and down in it till they are tired: law is like a book of +surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like +physic, they that take least of it are best off: law is like a homely +gentlewoman, very well to follow: law is like a scolding wife, very bad +when it follows us: law is like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get +into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are glad when they get +out of it.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[261]</span> “I believe that sincerely,” cried the +Hon. Tom Dashall; “for I think there are instances enough in which law has +nothing at all to do with justice."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This remark of the Hon. Tom Dashall is admirably +illustrated by the following statement:— + +Twelve People in one Bail Bond fob Ten Pounds.—There +are very few instances of delinquency which we have +stated, that will stagger the belief of the fair +practitioner, because they know such transactions are +possible; their only surprise is the impunity with which +they are committed, mixed with some regret that the +profession is so contaminated. The species of peculation +we have now to submit to our readers is of singular nature; +for we know not whether folly, impudence, or infamy, has the +greater share in the transaction; we will therefore leave +our readers to judge:—as to the statement of the fact, it +is impossible we can err, as we were concerned for the +defendants, and the case, singular as it is, was literally +and accurately thus:—One of those unfortunate females who +contribute to the existence of a miscreant crew of bawds, +milliners, hair-dressers, tally-women, and many other +reptiles of the same class, was arrested for ten pounds, at +the house of the celebrated, or, more properly speaking, +the notorious, Mrs. Johnson, of Jermyn-street:—the +attorney accompanied the officer; and it happened that a +young gentleman connected with a banking-house of great +respectability was present, whom the attorney directed to +take in a bail bond, with the lady-abbess herself; but as +they were not sufficiently responsible, ten more of the +cyprian tribe, all nuns of the same convent, were likewise +required to execute this bond; of course they complied. +The attorney, after having made the parties acquainted +with the great favour he had shewn them, and the vast +responsibility he had taken upon himself, required no more +than two guineas for the officer and himself; telling them +he would give them information when any thing further was to +be done; instead of which he took an assignment, sued out +process, prepared declarations, and served the parties. + +The gentleman, rather alarmed at the idea of the +circumstance being known, desired us to pay the debt and +costs: for that purpose we applied to the attorney, and to +our astonishment we were informed that the costs amounted to +Thirty Pounds! for that there were twelve defendants. The +reader cannot suppose that any thing further could pass upon +such a preposterous subject, than giving notice of an +application to the court, to set aside the proceedings. On +our return home we found eleven of the defendants, +consisting of the old brood hen and her chickens, each with +a copy of the process in her hand. The business now most +certainly put on the appearance of some costs. We again +applied to the attorney, and, by way of cutting it short, +offered him five pounds; but he, like many others who rely +on the integrity and propriety of their practice, disdained +a compromise, or abridgement of his lawful fees, and he was +hardy enough to suffer the application. It is almost +needless to say, the proceedings were set aside. We have +forebome to mention the name of the attorney, on account of +the misery in which this dreadful transaction has involved +him, a misery which amply atones for his offences, and +deprives him of the power of ever offending again as an +attorney. Far be it from us then to sink him deeper in the +gulph of wretchedness: we kick not the dead lion; it is +athletic triumphant villany against which we wage war. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[202]</span> By this time they were arrived in +Piccadilly, where they sat down to a cheerful refreshment, and proceeded +to make arrangements for Merry well's departure: previous to this, +however, Dashall and his Cousin had an engagement to keep with their +Hibernian friends, of which particulars will appear in the next Chapter. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0006"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XX +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +All hail to the day of the tutelar Saint, +Old George, not the King, but the Prince of brave fellows, +And Champion of England, by Providence sent +To slay a fierce Dragon as histories tell us! + +And hail to the King of the first Isle on Earth, +His fame with St. George and the Dragon who blending, +Has chosen to celebrate this as his birth, +The day of all others, good fortune portending. + +Away then with Care, let us haste to the Park, +Where Buckingham-house will exhibit a levy +Resplendent in rank, youth and beauty;—and hark! +Hoarse cannon announce both the birth-day and Levee. + +Reverberate then, in each sea-port the roar! +And wave England's Standard on high, from each steeple, +And skip from the oiling, each ship, to the shore, +And joyfully dance on dry land with the people!{1} + +1 That we may not be accused of plagiarism, we acknowledge +ourselves indebted for the hyperbole contained in the last +two lines of these introductory stanzas, to an original +recommendation for a proper display of rapture, as +contained in the following couplet by one Peter Ker, wherein +he very humanely invites all the vessels belonging to Great +Britain to strand themselves out of joy for the accession of +James I. + +“Let subjects sing, bells ring, and cannons roar, +And every ship come dancing to the shore.” + +The morning of St. George's Day was ushered in, as the +appointed anniversary of his Majesty's birth, by all the +church-bells of the metropolis, the waving of the royal +standard from the steeples, the display of the colours of +all nations by the vessels in the Thames, and Cumberland +mentions in his Memoirs, that when his father the Bishop +revisited his estate in Ireland, an affectionate rustic hit +upon an ingenious mode of shewing his happiness, by leaping +from a tree, and breaking his leg! We do not find that any +of his Majesty's loving subjects in the Park on St. George's +Day followed the example of the Irish rustic! +</div> +<p> +<a id="link4image-0002"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page263.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page263.jpg St. George's Day "><br> +</div> +<p> +Other manifestations of affection by a grateful people to the best of +Sovereigns!— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“The sky was overcast, the morning lower'd, +And heavily in clouds brought on the day.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[264]</span> But despite of wind or wet, female +curiosity must be gratified. Miss Judith Macgilligan had some time +previous to this auspicious day, expressed a desire to witness the gay and +brilliant assemblage of company in progress to the Levee, and Tom and Bob +having gallantly volunteered their services on this important occasion, +they now sallied forth, just as the Park and Tower guns were thundering +the announcement of festivity, and joining Sir Felix O'Grady and his aunt +at their lodgings, the party immediately moved onward to the scene of +action. +</p> +<p> +Already had Royalty taken wing, and dignified with his presence the late +maternal Palace, before our pedestrians reached the Park, to the great +disappointment of Miss Macgilligan, who however consoled herself with the +hope of being able to obtain a glimpse of monarchy as his Majesty passed +on his return to Carlton-house. +</p> +<p> +The Baronet in the meanwhile was in a reverie, which at last broke out in +the following rhapsody:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Oh! blest occasion of dispensing good, +How seldom used, how little understood!— +To nurse with tender care the thriving arts, +Watch every beam philosophy imparts: +To give religion her unbridled scope, +Nor judge by statute a believer's hope; +With close fidelity and love unfeign'd, +To keep the matrimonial bond unstain'd; +Covetous only of a virtuous praise, +His life a lesson to the land he sways. +Blest country where these kingly glories shine! +Blest England, if this happiness be thine! + +But,— + +If smiling peeresses, and simp'ring peers, +Encompassing his throne a few short years; +If the gilt carriage and the pamper'd steed, +That wants no driving and disdains the lead; +If guards, mechanically form'd in ranks, +Playing at beat of drum their martial pranks, +Should'ring, and standing as if stuck to stone, +While condescending majesty looks on;— +If monarchy consists in such base things, +Sighing, I say again, I pity Kings. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[265]</span> An immense number of splendid carriages +now presented themselves to view, in continued and uninterrupted +succession, stretching from the Horse Guards the whole length of the Mall, +to Buckingham-house, where each setting down, and thence taking up a +position in the Bird-cage Walk, they formed a circle of nearly two miles, +and exhibited, in the magnificence of the vehicles, the admirable symmetry +of the horses, and rich liveries of the attendants, a scene of interest, +matchless perhaps by any other metropolis in the universe. +</p> +<p> +Skirting the indeterminable line of carriages, that slowly and under +frequent stoppages proceeded to the goal of attraction, our party +penetrated at last the dense mass of spectators, and gaining a favourable +post of observation, took a position adjacent to Buckingham-house, where +the band of music of the Foot Guards within, and that of the Horse Guards +without the iron-railing circumscribing the palace, alternately enlivened +the scene with “concord of sweet sounds.” + </p> +<p> +But the great and general object of attention, was that of female +loveliness, occupying almost every passing vehicle. Dashall remarked, that +he had never before been gratified with such an extensive and captivating +display. Sir Felix and the Squire were in raptures, and even the primitive +austerity of Miss Macgilligan yielded to the influence of beauty, and +acknowledging its predominancy, she at same time observed, that its +fascination was enhanced by the dress of the ladies, which, though +splendid, exhibited genuine taste, and was more remarkable for its uniform +adherence to modesty than she had hitherto seen it on any similar +occasion.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 We are not fastidious, neither would we wish the charms of +youth and beauty inaccessible to admiration; but certainly +the dress, or rather undress of our fair countrywomen, has +of late years bordered closely on nudity.—Female delicacy +is powerfully attractive; we were glad to observe its +predominancy at the last Levee, and we trust that it will +gain universal prevalence.—Edit. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[266]</span> Dashall, whose place would more +properly have been in the circle within the palace than amongst the +spectators without, was frequently saluted by the passing company; and +when the fair hand of beauty waved gracefully towards him, Sir Felix felt +happy in the friendship and society of a gentleman thus honoured with such +distinguished recognition, and in the warmth of his feelings exclaimed +aloud, that, “by the immortal powers, were he King of England, he would be +more proud of the irradiating charms of these celestial visiters, than in +the diadem of royalty and extension of empire!” This remark was +universally acquiesced in, and most cordially so by a group of lively +girls, to whom it had apparently given much pleasure; one of whom thanked +the Baronet in the name of the sex, and complimented him on his gallantry, +which she said was truly characteristic of his country. +</p> +<p> +To Sir Felix an encomium from a fair lady was ever irresistible. +</p> +<p> +He bowed, expressed a commensurate feeling of gratitude for the honour +conferred upon him, and professed himself an ardent admirer of the whole +of women kind; concluding by humming a stanza from Burns,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Auld Nature swears the lovely dears +Her noblest work she classes, O; +Her 'prentice han' she tried on man, +And then she made the lasses, O.” + </div> +<p> +Unluckily for the apophthegm of the Baronet, it so happened, that a +quarrel took place in the immediate vicinity and hearing of the party, +between two rival female fruiterers of the Emerald Isle; during which +incivilities were exchanged in language not altogether acceptable to the +auricular organs of delicacy. The brogue was that of Munster,—the +war of words waged quicker and faster; and from invective the heroines +seemed rapidly approximating to actual battle. Neither park-keeper nor +constable were at hand; and although the surrounding mobility “laughed at +the tumult and enjoyed the storm,” Sir Felix, much distressed at so +untoward an incident, and deeply interested in the honour of his country, +so lately the theme of elegant panegyric, dashed through the crowd, the +component parts of which he scattered aside like chaff, and arrested the +further progress of the wranglers. +</p> +<p> +“Arrah, now, for the honour of Munster, be any, ye brats of the devil's +own begetting!” + </p> +<p> +“Hear him! hear him! hear the umpire!” resounded from all quarters. +</p> +<p> +“May the devil make hell-broth of ye both, in his own caldron!” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[267]</span> The mirth of the multitude became now +still more obstreperous, and Tom and Bob pushed forward to the assistance +of their friend, who was in the act of keeping the two viragos apart from +each other, having a hand on each, and holding them at arms length, +alternately threatening and remonstrating, while the two nymphs, with +frightful grimaces, struggled to elude his grasp, and abide the chance of +war;—the scene altogether would have afforded ample scope for the +pencil of an artist; and if not edifying, was at least to a numerous and +motley assemblage of spectators, highly entertaining. Sir Felix declined +the assistance of his friends,— +</p> +<p> +“Never mind it,” said he, “I'll settle the affair myself, my honies:” and +slipping a half-crown piece into the hand of each of the amazons—“Now +be off wid you,” he whispered,—“lave the Park immediately;—away +to the gin-shop;—shake hands wid each other in friendship; and drink +good-luck to Sir Felix O'Grady.” + </p> +<p> +With many expressions of gratitude, the contending parties obeyed the +mandate, and walked off lovingly together, cheek-by-jowl, as if no +irruption of harmony had happened! +</p> +<p> +“Long life to him!” exclaimed a son of green Erin; “wid a word in the ear +he has settled the business at once.” + </p> +<p> +“And I pray,” said a reverend looking gentleman in black, “that all +conflicting powers may meet with like able mediation.” + </p> +<p> +“Amen!” responded a fellow in the drawling nasil tone of a parish-clerk; +and the congregation dispersed. +</p> +<p> +The tumult thus happily subdued, Sir Felix, with Tom and Bob, rejoined +Miss Macgilligan and the group with whom she had been left in charge when +the two latter gentlemen came to the Baronet's relief. +</p> +<p> +The “ardent admirer of the whole of women kind” sustained the jokes of the +company with admirable equanimity of temper; and the same young lady who +had eulogized his gallantry, now said that it was unfair, and what the +Baronet could not possibly mean, to take his words in their literal +acceptation; at the same time she highly commended his benevolent +interference in the quarrel between the two women, and congratulated him +on his address in bringing it to an amicable termination. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[268]</span> Resuming their attention to the still +continued line of company, Dashall and his friends remarked that pearls +were a prominent part of female ornament at the present levee; +particularly, he said, with the galaxy of Civic beauty from the East; for +he had recognized so decorated, several elegantes, the wives and daughters +of aldermen, bankers, merchants and others, of his City acquaintances.{1} +A ponderous state carriage, carved and gilt in all directions, and the +pannels richly emblazoned with heraldry, now came slowly up the Mall, and +Sir Felix immediately announced the approach of the Lord Mayor of the City +of London; but as the vehicle approximated nearer towards him, he became +lost in a labyrinth of conjecture, on perceiving, that the pericranium of +its principal inmate was enveloped in a wig of appalling dimensions; he +now inquired whether the profundity of wisdom was denoted by the magnitude +of a wig; and if so, why it was not worn by the Civic Sovereign rather on +the seat of justice, where it might operate <i>in terrorem</i> on +delinquency, than on the happy occasion of his Majesty's anniversary; when +Dashall unravelled the mystery, by acquainting the Baronet, that the +personage whom he supposed to be the Lord Mayor of London, was the Lord +High Chancellor of England. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 By what curious links and fantastical relations are +mankind connected together. At the distance of half the +globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom +of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to +decorate the throat of a London alerman's wife! It is said +that the great Linnæus had discovered the secret of +infecting oysters with this perligenous disease; what is +become of the secret we know not, as the only interest tee +take in oysters, is of a much more vulgar, though perhaps a +more humane nature. Mr. Percival, in his Account of the +Island of Ceylon, gives a very interesting account of the +fishery, and of the Sea-dogs. “This animal is as fond of +the legs of Hindoos, as Hindoos are of the pearls of +oysters; and as one appetite appears to him much more +natural and less capricious' than the other, he never fails +to indulge it.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[269]</span> The company still poured along, +numerous and diversified, beyond all former precedent; including all the +nobility in town, their ladies, daughters, et cetera; officers of the army +and navy, grand crosses and knights companions of the most honourable +order of the Bath; dignified sages and learned brethren of the law; and, +“though last, not least in our esteem,” the very right reverend Fathers in +God, the Lords Bishops, in the costume of sacerdotal panoply; and amidst +the fascination of female beauty, setting their affections on things +above!{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Latimer, bishop of Worcester, speaking of the gentlemen of +the black cloth, says,—“Well, I would all men would look to +their dutie, as God hath called them, and then we should +have a flourish-ing Christian common weale. And now I would +ask a strange question. Who is the most diligentest bishop +and prelate in all Englande, that passeth all the rest in +doing his office? 1 can tell, for I know him who it is; I +know him well. But now I think I see you listening and +hearkening that I should name him. There is one that passeth +all the other, and is the most diligent prelate and preacher +in all Englande. And will you know who it is? I will tell +you. It is the Devil! He is the most diligent preacher of +all other; he is never out of his diocese; he is never from +his cure; ye shall never fynde him unoccupyed; he is ever in +his parish; he keepeth residence at all times; ye shall +never fynde him out of the way; call for him when you will +he is ever at home; the diligentest preacher in all the +realme; no lording or loyteriug can hynder him; he is ever +applying his busyness; ye shall never f'ynde him idle I +warrant you.” + </div> +<p> +From noon until past four, visiters continued to arrive; when the +carriages again circumscribed the Park, each taking up at the gate of +Buckingham-house, and thence passing home by the Bird-cage Walk, and +through the Horse Guards. The arrangements were excellent; no accident +occurred. The Life Guards lined the Mall, and a numerous detachment of +police-officers were on the alert throughout the day. Their indefatigable +exertions however were not entirely available in counteracting the +industry of the light-fingered gentry, of whom there were many on the +look-out; and doubtless on this, as on every other occasion of public +resort in the metropolis, they reaped the fruits of a plentiful harvest. +</p> +<p> +The party sauntering along the Mall, Sir Felix observed one of the group +with whom he was associated when viewing the company proceeding to the +Palace, and would have entered into familiar chit-chat with him, but for +the interposition of Dashall, who taking the Baronet aside, cautioned him +against having intercourse with a stranger, of whom he knew nothing, but +who had all the appearance of a black-leg. +</p> +<p> +Dashall was an accurate observer of men and manners; and in the present +instance his conjecture was well founded; for, in a few subsequent +moments, +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[270]</span> What was the devil's gratitude to +Latimer for this eulogy According to his biography, “for his zeal in the +Protestant faith, he was, with Ridley, bishop of London, burnt at Oxford +in 1554.” this assumed gentleman was met by a reconnoitering party of the +police, who claiming the privilege of old acquaintance, took him into +custody as a reputed thief, to the manifest surprise and dismay of Miss +Judith Macgilligan, who instinctively putting her hand into her pocket, +found that her purse had vanished through the medium of some invisible +agency. It contained, fortunately, silver only. She now mentioned her +loss, and expressed her suspicion of the gentleman in duresse; he having +stood close by her, for a considerable length of time, while she and her +friends were stationary in the Mall. The officers accordingly searched +him; but the wily adept, anticipating consequences, had disencumbered +himself of the purse; part of the silver, however, found in his +possession, tallied in description with that which had been lost, although +the lady could not identify it as her property. He was conducted from the +Park, with the view of being introduced to the recollection of the +magistrates of the Public-office in Bow-street. +</p> +<p> +During this transaction, a carriage bearing the royal arms, and attended +by two footmen only, drove rapidly along the Mall, without attracting +particular notice, and entering the garden-gate of Carlton-house, was +immediately lost to public view; nor did the numerous groups who were in +waiting to catch a transient glance of royalty, recognise in the +unassuming inmate of this vehicle, the sacred person of his most gracious +Majesty King George the Fourth, who was thus pleased modestly to decline +the congratulations of his loving subjects, by eluding, incognita, their +observation. +</p> +<p> +This was a second grievous disappointment to our venerable aunt, and might +have operated as a spell against the further enjoyment of the day; but the +gloom of vexation was dispersed by the Esquire of Belville-hall, who +observed, that the royal lineage of the lady might aspire to a more +intimate knowledge of majesty than a view <i>en passant</i>, and that at +any future levee there could not exist a doubt of the facility of Miss +Macgilligan's introduction. +</p> +<p> +A convenient and vacant bench presenting itself, the associates now seated +themselves. +</p> +<p> +“Apropos,” exclaimed Sir Felix, “talking of the King, does his Majesty +mean to honour with another visit his Hanoverian dominions this ensuing +summer?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[271]</span> The inquiry was directed to Dashall, +whom the Baronet was accustomed to look upon as an universal +intelligencer. +</p> +<p> +Tom declared his incompetency to answer the question. +</p> +<p> +“Well,” continued Sir Felix, “were I the monarch of this empire, J would +make myself acquainted with every part of it. A tour through England, +Scotland, and Ireland, should be my primary object, and a visit to my +foreign territories a subordinate consideration, I would travel from town +to town in the land that gave me birth; like the Tudors and the Stuarts; +with confidence in the loyalty of my people, my person should be familiar +to them, and 1 should at all times be accessible to their complaints. +Elizabeth and the Second James made frequent excursions into distant parts +of the country, and every where were received with addresses of fidelity. +Were his present Majesty to follow, in this respect, the example of his +royal predecessors, who can doubt his experiencing the most ample and +unequivocal demonstrations of attachment to his person and government?” + </p> +<p> +The friendly associates indulged a hearty laugh at the expense of the +visionary, although they did him the justice to believe that his +theoretical improvements on the policy of majesty were the ebullition of a +generous heart, warm in fraternal regard for the whole of human kind. +</p> +<p> +Tom, however, reminded him that the pusillanimous James II. acquired no +popularity by his royal tours; and that the affections of the people were +not to be gained by the merely personal condescension of the monarch.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 During the reign of King James II., and when, not unlike +the present day, the people were much oppressed and +burthened with taxes, that monarch having, in the course of +a tour through England, stopt at Winchelsea, the Corporation +resolved to address his Majesty; but as the Mayor could +neither read nor write, it was agreed that the Recorder +should prompt him on the occasion. Being introduced, the +Recorder whispered the trembling Mayor, “Hold up your head, +and look like a man.” The Mayor mis-taking this for the +beginning of the speech, addressed the King, and repeated +aloud, “Hold up your head, and look like a man.” The +Recorder, in amaze, whispered the Mayor, “What the devil do +you mean?” The Mayor in the same manner instantly repeated, +“What the devil do you mean?” The Recorder, alarmed, +whispered more earnestly, “By G——-d, Sir, you'll ruin us +all.” + +The Mayor, still imagining this to be a part of his speech, +said, with all “his might, “By G——-d, Sir, you'll ruin us +all.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[272]</span>So slow was the progress of the vehicles +towards the palace for the purpose of taking up their respective owners, +that many gentlemen, whose residences were in the vicinity, rather than +wait, preferred walking across the Park; while the unusual exhibition of a +pedestrian in full court-dress excited no little attention from the +multitude. Our party proceeding in their lounge, was presently met by one +of these gentlemen, who recognizing Dashall and Tallyho, shook them +cordially by the hand, and was introduced to Sir Felix and his Aunt, as +Captain of the Royal Navy. +</p> +<p> +The Captain, to adopt a Court phrase, was most graciously received by the +lady; who observing he had been present at the Levee, begged that he would +favour her with an account of what had passed. +</p> +<p> +The gallant Captain, retracing his steps with his friends along the Mall, +said, that little or nothing had occurred worthy of remark. +</p> +<p> +“The drawing-room,” he continued, “was crowded to such excess, that I +should have felt myself more at ease in the bilboes; however, amidst the +awkwardness of the squeeze, I frequently came into unavoidable contact +with some very fine girls, and that pleasure certainly more than +compensated all inconveniences. The King (God bless him)! perspired most +prodigiously; for the heat was intolerable; he appeared very much +fatigued; and 1 hope has retired with a superior relish to enjoy the +quietude and luxury of the royal table at Carlton Palace. The +presentations of the female sprigs of nobility were numerous, to all of +whom he paid particular attention, in duty bound, as a gallant Cavalier +and the best bred gentleman in Europe. Indeed, he seemed to gloat on the +charms of those terrestrial deities with ecstacy! The introductions were +endless, and the etiquette tiresome and monotonous. In fact, after making +my humble congée, extrication became my only object, and I effected a +retreat with difficulty. My stay was short, and as I had neither +inclination nor opportunity for minute remark, I hope, Madam, that you +will pardon my incapability of answering your inquiry in a more particular +manner.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[273]</span> Nothing farther could be elicited. In +truth, the Captain had left nothing untold; for his description of the +Levee, although succinct, was correct, laying aside the enumeration of the +<i>dramatis personæ</i>, too numerous, and in many instances perhaps too +insignificant, for recollection. +</p> +<p> +The gallant son of Neptune now took his leave, and the party continued to +enjoy the pleasure of the promenade. +</p> +<p> +The Park was still thronged with spectators, attracted by the retiring +visitors, of whom some it seems were no welcome guests. +</p> +<p> +Whether vice had contaminated the hallowed presence of Royalty, we cannot +take upon us to say; but it appears that the sanctum sanctorum had been +polluted by intrusion; for a notification was issued next day by the Lord +Chamberlain, prefaced with the usual Whereas, “that certain improper +persons had gained access to his Majesty's Levee, and stating, that in +future no one would be admitted unless in full Court dress, including +bag-wig, sword,” &c.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 As if these appendages were only within the reach of the +higher classes of the community, and uncomeatable by +purchase! The most depraved character may obtain the +plausible appearance of gentility, and obtrude himself into +the first circle of fashion. These opportunities abound in +the metropolis; and such is the apathy of the present age, +that the accomplished swindler, of exterior allurement, +intermixes, <i>sans</i> inquiry, with honourable rank; and even +where inquiry is deemed necessary, all minor considerations +vanish before the talismanic influence of Wealth! “Is he +rich? Incalculably so! Then, let's have him, by all means.” + Thus the initiated of Chesterfield obtain admission into +polished society, although the Principles of Politeness +inculcated by that nobleman, contain, as a celebrated +lexicographer said of them, “the morals of a wh**e, and the +manners of a dancing-master!” + </div> +<p> +The party having lounged away another pleasant hour, made ultimately their +exit from the Park by the Stable-yard, and entering Pall Mall, were +agreeably surprised with a very interesting exhibition. +</p> +<p> +During many years of the late King's reign, it was usual on the birth-day +anniversary for the different mail coaches to pass in review before his +Majesty in front of St. James's Palace. The custom still prevails. +</p> +<p> +On the present occasion numerous spectators had assembled opposite Carl +ton-house; and it is presumed that the Sovereign thence witnessed the +procession, although he was not within the view of public observation. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[274]</span> Above thirty mail coaches, fresh gilt +and painted, or in the language of churchwardens, beautified, and each +drawn by four noble-spirited, yet perfectly tractable horses, elegantly +caparisoned, now made their appearance. The cavalcade moved slowly onward, +the prancing steeds impatient of restraint, and conscious of superiority. +On the box of each vehicle was seated a portly good looking man, the +knowing Jehu of the road, and behind was the guard, occasionally “winding +his bugle-horn” with melodious and scientific ability. The reins and +harness were new, so also were the royal liveries of the coachmen and +guards. Mounted conductors led the van of the procession, while others +accompanied it on either side; and the interest of the scene was +considerably heightened by each coach being occupied inside by handsome +well-dressed women and children. The rear of this imposing spectacle was +brought up by a long train of the twopenny post-boys, all newly clothed in +the royal uniform, and mounted on hardy ponies, chiefly of the Highland +and Shetland breed. The cavalcade halted in front of the royal residence, +and gave three cheers in honour of the day, which were heartily returned +by the populace. The procession then resumed its progress by +Charing-cross, the Strand, Fleet-street, Ludgate-hill, round St. Paul's, +and by Cheapside into Lombard-street, +</p> +<p> +Passing up the new street, the associates reached the mansion of Dashall, +who had previously engaged his friends to dinner. +</p> +<p> +An elegant repast was immediately served up, and highly enjoyed by the +party, after such prolonged exercise and abstinence. +</p> +<p> +The conversation turning on the recent interesting exhibition, it was +universally acknowledged, that the introduction of the mail coach into the +establishment of the General Post-office, might be classed among the +highest improvements of the age, as amazingly accelerating the celerity of +intercourse with all parts of the empire. Neither was the well-merited +meed of encomium withheld from the Twopenny-post Institution, by which, so +frequently in the course of the day, the facility of communication is kept +up within the metropolis and suburbs, extending to all adjacencies, and +bounded only by the limits of the bills of mortality. Dashall, who seldom +let slip an opportunity of appropriate remark <span class="pagenum">[275]</span> +digressed from the procession to the important national utility of the +Post-office, and thence, by easy transition, to the sublime powers of the +human mind, as emphatically exemplified in the invention of writing and +printing; while Sir Felix, who was well experienced in the British poets, +favoured his aunt with a quotation from Pope's Epistle of Heloisa to +Abelard, subject, however, to such whimsical interpolation as he deemed +suitable to the occasion:— +</p> +<p> +Heaven first taught letters for some wretch's aid, Some antique, lovesick, +North of Ireland maid! They live, they speak, they breathe what age +inspires, Preposterous fondness and impure desires! The latent wish +without a blush impart, Reveal the frailties of a morbid heart; Speed the +neglected sigh from soul to soul, And waft a groan from Indus to the Pole! +</p> +<p> +The reading of Miss Macgilligan, like her ideas, was rather on a +contracted scale. She suspected, however, that her nephew had aimed +against her the shafts of ridicule, and was preparing her resentment +accordingly; when the Baronet deprecating her wrath, assured her, that he +had recited the lines exactly as originally written, and that in the +present clay they had no personal application, having been composed by a +little cynical fellow many years before Miss Macgilligan came into +existence.—The lady gave credence to the assertion, and the +impending storm was happily averted. +</p> +<p> +The residence of royalty being within the precinct of St. James's, the +bells of the neighbouring church sounded a merry peal in the ears of the +party; and were responded to by those of St, Martin-in-the-Fields, a +parish of which it is remarkable that his Majesty George II. was once +church-warden, serving the office, of course, by deputy. The steeple of +this church, as well as those of many others in the metropolis, displayed, +throughout the day, the royal standard, a manifestation of loyalty which +likewise extended itself to the liquid element of old father Thames, where +many of the vessels commemorated the anniversary by frequent salutes of +artillery, under the decorative and splendid canopy formed by the colours +of all nations. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[276]</span> The carriages of the foreign +ambassadors, and those of the friends of government, were again in +requisition, and rattled along the streets towards the several mansions of +the members of administration, who each, in conformity with ancient usage, +gave a grand dinner on the birth-day, at least on that appointed for its +celebration. +</p> +<p> +“At these dinners,” said Dashall, “politics and etiquette are both laid +aside; conviviality is the order of the day; the glass, the joke, the +repartee and the 'retort courteous,' circulate freely, and all is harmony +and good humour.” + </p> +<p> +“With sometimes a sprinkling of alloy,” said the Squire, “I have heard +that during the administration of Mr. Pitt, he and the Lord Chancellor +Thurlow were frequently at variance on subjects having no reference to +politics, and even under the exhilirating influence of the grape.” + </p> +<p> +The party were all attention, and the Squire proceeded—“At a cabinet +dinner a discussion took place between the Premier and Lord Chancellor, as +to the comparative merits of the Latin and English languages. Mr. Pitt +gave the preference to the former, the Chancellor! to the latter; and the +arguments on both sides were carried on with equal pertinacity.—The +Premier would not yield a jot in opinion. Becoming at last impatient of +opposition, +</p> +<p> +“Why,” said he, “the English language is an ambiguity—two negatives +make an affirmative; but in the Latin, two negatives make a positive.”—“Then,” + said the Chancellor, “your father and mother must have been two negatives, +to make such a positive fellow as you are!”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Lord Chancellor Thurlow, although a very eccentric +character, was yet a man of uncommon benevolence. A vacancy +having occurred in a valuable living of which he had the +presentation, numerous were the candidates for the benefice; +and amongst others, one, recommended by several of the +nobility, friends of the ministry, who made himself sure of +the appointment, although, directly or indirectly, the +Chancellor had not given any promise. In the meanwhile, it +was one morning announced to his Lordship, that a gentleman, +apparently a clergyman, waited the honour of an interview. +The servant was ordered to shew the stranger into the +library, whither the Chancellor shortly repaired, and +inquired the object of the visit. “My Lord,” said the +other, “I served the office of Curate under the deceased +Rector, and understanding that the presentation is in your +Lordship's gift”—“You want the living,” exclaimed the +Chancellor, gruffly. “No, my Lord; my humble pretensions +soar not so high; but I presume, most respectfully, to +entreat your Lordship's influence with the new Incumbent, +that I may be continued in the Curacy.” Surprised and +pleased by the singular modesty of the applicant, who had +served the same parish as Curate above twenty years, and now +produced the most ample testimonials of character, his +Lordship entered into conversation with him, and found him +of extensive erudition, and orthodox principles. He +ascertained, besides, that this poor Curate had a wife with +six children entirely dependent on his exertions for +support; and that the remuneration allowed for the faithful +discharge of arduous duties, had been only thirty pounds per +annum. The Chancellor now promised his influence in behalf +of the Curate, with the person who probably might succeed to +the living. “I shall see him,” added his Lordship, “this +very day; attend me to-morrow, and you shall know the +result.” The Curate took bis leave, and in the course of the +morning the would-be Rector made his appearance. “O!” + exclaimed his Lordship, entering directly into the business, +“I have had a humble suitor with me to-day,—the Curate of +the late incumbent whom you are desirous of succeeding; he +wishes to continue in the Curacy; the poor man is burthened +with a large family, and hitherto has been very inadequately +rewarded for his labour in the productive vineyard of which +you anticipate the possession and emolument. Suppose that +you constitute the happiness of this worthy man, by giving +him a salary of one hundred pounds per annum; he will have +all the duties to perform, and you will pocket a surplus, +even then, of seven hundred a year, for in fact doing +nothing!” This would-be was astonished; he had never before +heard of a Curate in the receipt of one hundred pounds per +annum; besides, he had already engaged a person to do the +duty for twenty-five pounds. Fired with indignation at the +inhumanity and arrogant presumption of this callous-hearted +Clergyman,—“What!” exclaimed his Lordship, “and so you +would turn the poor Curate out of doors, and abridge the +miserable pittance of his successor, and all this before +you've got the living! John, shew this fellmo down stairs!” + Gladly would this Incumbent, by anticipation, have conceded +every point required; but it was too late; the die was cast, +and he found himself in the street, unknowing how he got +there, whether on his hands or his lucls! Next day the +Curate was announced. “I have not been able to succeed,” + said his Lordship,—“the new Incumbent has engaged a person +who will do the duty for twenty-five pounds per annum.” His +Lordship paused, and the unfortunate Curate looked the +personification of Despondency. “Cheer up, man!” exclaimed +his Lordship, “If I have not influence sufficient to +continue you in possession of the Curacy, I can, at least, +give you the Living!” putting into the hands, at the same +time, of the amazed Curate, the presentation to a Rectory +worth eight hundred pounds per annum!! Here we must draw the +Grecian painter's veil,—the gratification on either side +may be conceived, but cannot be expressed. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[278]</span> Sir Felix laughed heartily at this +anecdote, and inquired of his aunt whether she knew any of the Positive +family in the North of Ireland. +</p> +<p> +“Perfectly well,” retorted the lady, “they are allied to the <i>Wrongheads</i> +of the province of Munster!” + </p> +<p> +This reproof, which was hailed with applause by Tom and Bob, +dumb-foundered the Baronet, who became suddenly taciturn; but his habitual +good humour predominated, and conscious that he had brought on himself the +inflicted castigation, he resolved on a cessation of hostilities for the +remainder of the evening. +</p> +<p> +The invitation by Dashall having been without formal ceremony, and +unhesitatingly accepted by Miss Macgilligan and her nephew, they now, in +turn, claimed the like privilege of freedom, by soliciting the company of +the two Cousins to supper; a request which Tom and Bob cheerfully +acquiesced in; and the party immediately set out for the Baronet's +lodgings, preferring to walk the short distance, that they might view, +more leisurely, the accustomed illuminations on the anniversary of his +Majesty's birth-day. +</p> +<p> +The variegated lamps were tastefully arranged; but this effusion of +loyalty was rather of an interested than interesting description, being +confined wholly to the public-offices, the theatres, and the different +houses of his Majesty's tradesmen; no other habitation in this immense +metropolis bearing any external indication of attachment, on the part of +its occupant, to the Sovereign of the British Empire! +</p> +<p> +“Here comes a set of jolly fellows,” exclaimed the Baronet, as the party +of friends turned into Bow-street from Covent-Garden, “who are at least +determined to honour the anniversary of St. George and their Sovereign,” + the clang of marrow bones and cleavers resounding with harsh and stunning +dissonance. +</p> +<p> +“Rather,” said Dashall, “fellows determined to levy contributions on the +public, caring as little for the actual George the King, as they do for +the fabulous George the Champion.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +Now loud and yet louder the grating din grew, +And near and more near still the butcher-gang drew; +Rapacious, obstrep'rous, a turbulent set, +And bent on annoyance of all whom they met. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[279]</span> It was in vain that our party attempted +to avoid them by crossing the street. The intention was quickly thwarted +by these self-licensed prowlers, who intercepting our associates in the +carriage-way, encircled them in such a manner, as to preclude the +possibility of extrication; and raised, at the same time, a discoid of +sounds, compared with which the vocal minstrelsy of the long-eared braying +fraternity would have been the music of the spheres! +</p> +<p> +Sir Felix, in chastisement of their arrogance, would singly have +encountered the whole group, had he not been restrained by Tom and Bob, +who rather than engage in a street brawl with a host of pertinacious +adversaries, chose to yield to circumstances, and purchase freedom at the +expense of a trifling pecuniary consideration, with which the collectors +departed well satisfied. +</p> +<p> +Our observers having thus obtained their liberty, renewed their walk, and +reached the lodgings of the Baronet without farther interruption. +</p> +<p> +During their perambulation, the following article was put into the hands +of the Squire, with which we shall conclude our Chapter of Incidents;— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +THE KING AND THE LAUREAT. + +A LOYAL BIRTH-DAY EFFUSION. + +Hail! mighty Monarch of a mighty People!— +While tuneful peals resound from tower and steeple, +And thundering cannons gratulations roar, +Fright'ning old Father Thames from shore to shore;— +For King or etiquette while nobles caring, +To Buckingham-house by hundreds are repairing, +With gorgeous Dames, to whom this day a bliss is; +Accompanied by smiling lovely misses +Of eager appetite, who long to gorge +And batten on the favours of King George; +While London's Mayor and Aldermen set out +In Civic state, to grace the royal rout; +While strut the Guards in black straps and white gaiters +In honour of their Patron and Creators;{1}— +While General Birnie musters all his forces +Of foot Police, and spavin'd Police horses, +To guard St. James's Park from innovation, +And cheque the daringness of depredation;— +While for those partizans who mind their manners +The cabinet ministers prepare grand dinners, +And I, and others of my kindred trumpery, +Dine with the vision'ry 'yclept Duke Humphrey:{2} +I whom the Muses sometimes deign to greet, +Though perch'd in “garret vile” in White-cross street, + +1 In honour of their Patron and Creators.—The poet, we +presume, means to draw a line of distinction between the +Military and Civic community; the one being the work of God, +the other the creation of man. + +2 Duke Humphrey.—An ideal personage, with whom the un- +fortunate wight is said to dine who has not got a dinner to +eat. + +<i>Sans</i> viands, drink, or necessary clothing, +Reckless of fate, and even existence loathing; +Great King amidst each various passing matter +On this auspicious day, I will not flatter; +Not that I cannot; aye, as well as any +Of heretofore or present lauréat Zany!— +But lack of payment, Sir, and lack of zeal; +Could I your gracious bounty hope to feel, +Invention then, on eagles wings should rise, +And laud your nameless virtues to the skies!— + +But as it is,—all hail the King!— +With shouts let now the welkin ring, +And hence all doubts and fears; +May ages yet to come obey +The Fourth King George's lenient sway, +Even for a thousand years!{1} + +Methinks his portly form I see, +Encircled at this grand Levee +By courtly lords and ladies; +Returning every bow with smiles, +Where selfish adulation's wiles +A profitable trade is. + +But where, amid this grand display, +Is Soutkey, on each natal day +Who charm'd with Ode delicious? +Why absent now the tuneful lore, +Why sing not, as in days of yore,— + +Has Roy'lty grown capricious? +Or barren is the courtly verse +Of genuine subject, to rehearse +The mighty monarch's fame; +His public virtues, private worth, +To chant in grateful measure forth, +And o'er the world proclaim? + +Tush, man! a driveller then, thou art, +Unequal to the merry part +Thou undertook'st to play;— +The Birth-day comes but once a year, +Then tune thy dulcet notes and clear, +Again in annual lay. + +1 When the combined fleets of England and Spain blockaded +the port of Toulon, the Spanish Admiral terminated a +dispatch to Lord Hood with the following notable wish,—May +your Excellency live a THOUSAND YEARS! + +Thou, who wilt still persist to write +In public apathy's despite, +Can claim no just pretension +On which to found a vague excuse;— +Then trust, in dearth of truth, the Muse +Prolific in invention. + +Hast thou no conscience left? alack! +Hast thou forgot thy Pipe of Sack! +And annual pounds two hundred?{1} +That Hume hath not attack'd thy post, +And caused it to give up the ghost, +Is greatly to be wonder'd! + +But if the place must still be kept, +Though long the princely themes have slept +That erst the Muses lauded;— +Give it to me, ye gods! and then +Shall Kings, above all other men, +Be rapturously applauded! + +Content with half that Southey shares, +I then would drown all worldly cares, +Yet Sack I'd not require;— +Give me, in place of Falstaff's wine, +A butt,—to wake the song divine, + +Of Hanbury's Entire! +Now God preserve the comely face +Of George the Fourth, and grant him grace +For kindred soids to brag on!— +May future times his deeds proclaim, +And may he even eclipse the fame +Of—Saint George and the Dragon.' + +1 Formerly the allowance was a pipe of sack and one hundred +pounds; but his present Majesty, taking into his gracious +consideration the very difficult task which the Lauréat had +to perform, increased his salary to 200L. per annum!! +</div> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0007"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Of ups and downs we daily see +Examples most surprising, +The high and low of each degree, +Now falling are, now rising. + +Some up, some down, some in, some out, +Home neither one nor t'other; +Knaves—fools—Jews—Gentiles—join the rout, +And jostle one another. + +By ups and downs some folks they say +Among grandees have got, Sir, +Who were themselves but yesterday +The Lord knows who, or what, Sir. + +<i>Sans</i> sense or pence, in merits chair, +They dose and dream supine 0; +But how the devil they came there, +That neither you nor I know.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[282]</span> The departure of Merrywell left our +three friends at perfect liberty, and they were determined to enjoy it as +much as possible during Sparkle's visit. The remainder of the evening was +therefore devoted to the retracing of past events, in which they had +formerly been engaged together, in drinking success to Merrywell's +journey, and in laying down some plans for the proceedings of the next +day. On the latter subject, however, there were as many opinions as there +were persons. The Hon. Tom Dash all proposed going to the Review—Sparkle +was for a journey to Gravesend in the steam-boat, with the religious +friends who were to accompany Lord Gambier—and Tallyho proposed a +visit to the Tower of London, in order to inspect its interior. It was +therefore left undecided till the morning, which proving extremely +inviting, they determined to sally forth, and leave the direction of their +course wholly to chance, as they had many times done before. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[283]</span> Sparkle's relish for the sprees and +sports of a London life, was evidently injured by his residence in the +country; though at the same time former scenes and former circumstances +rushing occasionally upon his sight and his recollection, appeared to +afford him gratification and delight. +</p> +<p> +“And how,” said Sparkle, addressing himself to Tallyho, “do you like the +scene of ever varying novelty—has it lost any of its charms since I +saw you last?” + </p> +<p> +“By no means,” replied Tallyho; “for although many of them are grown +familiar to me, and many are also calculated to excite painful feelings, I +am not yet tired of the inquiry. I set out with the intention to +contemplate men and manners as they actually are, and I conceive a useful +lesson for instruction and improvement may be afforded by it.” + </p> +<p> +“Right,” continued Sparkle, “real life is a most excellent school; and if +in imbibing the instruction with which it is fraught, the judgment is not +misled, or the mind vitiated none can be more important to mankind.” + </p> +<p> +“Come,” said Tom, “I see you are getting into one of your moralizing +strains, such as you left us with. Now I am well aware that you have an +excellent acquaintance with the pursuits you are speaking of, and have +enjoyed them as much as myself; nor can I conceive that your temporary +absence has wrought such a change in your opinion, as to make you wholly +disregard the amusements they afford. So come along, no more preaching; +“and thus saying, he seized him by one arm, while Tallyho closed upon the +other; and they proceeded on their way along Piccadilly towards the +Haymarket. +</p> +<p> +“Besides,” continued Dashall, “every day makes a difference in this +metropolis; so that even you who have proved yourself so able a delineator +of men and things as they were, may still find many things deserving of +your observation as they are.” + </p> +<p> +“I do not doubt it,” was the reply; “and consequently expect, that having +just arrived from rural felicity, you will direct my footsteps to the most +novel scene of metropolitan splendour or extraordinary character.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[284]</span> “Character is an abundant and +everlasting supply of humour and eccentricity for an observant quiz like +yourself, and being fly to most occurrences either in town or country, I +shall rather confine myself to the most remarkable circumstances that +happen to strike my recollection us we proceed. The first that occurs at +this moment, is the opening of a new establishment in Regent-street, under +the title of the Cafe Royale, to which, as we have not yet paid a visit, I +propose now to direct your steps.” + </p> +<p> +“Cafe Royale” repeated Sparkle, “there is something Frenchified in the +sound. I suppose it is quite in the tip top stile of elegance.” + </p> +<p> +“So says report.” + </p> +<p> +“Then <i>allons</i>,—but as we proceed, I beg to ask one question. +If it be considered important in a national point of view, that the +superior elegancies of our Parisian neighbours should be engrafted on our +own habits, and that an establishment of this nature should be formed, +with a view of its becoming the resort of rank and fashion, whether any +good reason can be given why such an establishment, in an English city for +Englishmen, should not have an English title?” + </p> +<p> +“A most extraordinary question for a fashionable man.” + </p> +<p> +“It may be so,” continued Sparkle; “but you must attribute it to my +country habits of thinking: however, as I like argument better than +assertion, I see no reason to abandon my question. The adoption of any +thing foreign, is only rational in proportion as it is useful or +agreeable; for foreign wines, foreign fruits, foreign made coffee, &c. +no one can be a greater advocate than myself; but I apprehend that these +good things may taste as well, whether the room in which they are taken be +called by a French or an English name.” + </p> +<p> +“That is a truth so self evident as to require no reply; and really I can +give no sort of reason for the adoption of a French title, unless it be +with a view to give it that air of novelty which invariably proves +attractive to Johnny Bull; and I think I need not attempt to explain to +you the importance of a title.” + </p> +<p> +“However,” said Sparkle, “I cannot help thinking, that if the place +alluded to is to become a permanent establishment, it would become an +Englishman to have an English name for it. We need not be ashamed of our +language, although some folks disdain to use it, if they can find any +substitute, however inapt. Why should it not be called the Royal +Coffee-house, the King's Coffee-house, the Patrician, the Universal, or in +fact any thing, so that it be English?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[285]</span> “Because,” said Tallyho, “those titles +are already engrossed by newspaper editors, coffee-shops of a lower order, +magazines, &c.: for instance, we have the Royal Magazine, the +Universal Magazine; and consequently these are all grown common, and any +thing common is extremely vulgar.” + </p> +<p> +“Besides,” continued Dashall, “<i>Cafe Royale</i> is a mouthful, without +attacking its contents; and the very sound of it seems to impart a taste, +before you approach it, of what may be obtained in the interior. Zounds! +this country life of your's seems to have altered your opinions, and +almost obliterated your former education: I never had any relish for it.” + </p> +<p> +“In town let me live, and in town let me die, For in truth 1 can't relish +the country, not I: If one must have a villa in summer to dwell, Oh give +me the sweet shady side of Pall Mall.” + </p> +<p> +By this time they had reached the Cafe Royale, and upon entrance were +ushered by a man in blue livery, with gold laced trimmings, into an +apartment far exceeding in splendour any thing that their previous +conversation had led them to expect. The walls, formed of looking glass +and rich tapestry, and ornamented in a fanciful manner, reflected their +persons as they passed along at every point; while the choicest flowers +and shrubs, with which they were surrounded, sent forth a delightful +fragrance, and gave some distant idea of Eastern luxuries. +</p> +<p> +“Here,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “is elegance at least; and if the +accommodations are found to be equally good, it can be of little +consequence to us whether the place itself have an English or a foreign +name.” + </p> +<p> +“I confess,” replied Sparkle, “that I still conceive, that as a place of +resort appropriated to the upper ranks of natives and foreigners, +magnificent in its decorations, superior in its accommodations, and +conducted with skill and liberality, to become truly national and +deserving of support, it should be honoured with an English title.” + </p> +<p> +“And that it certainly is,” continued Dashall, “not only one but many, for +nobility is frequently to be found within its walls; nay, a proof of it +appears at this moment, for there is Lord P——— and Lord +C——— now entering; but come, let us try the coffee, +catch a view of the papers, and proceed.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[286]</span> They had now seated themselves near an +elderly gentleman, who seemed to be in deep contemplation, occasionally +rubbing his hands with apparent gratification, and shaking his head with +importance, while he glanced over a newspaper which lay before him. +</p> +<p> +“I should judge,” said Tallyho, “he is a member of parliament, probably +conning over the report of his last night's speech in the House.” + </p> +<p> +“Or probably,” said Dashall, “an author in search of ideas for his next +publication, wherein he intends to cut up the ministers and their +measures.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “or a quack doctor, examining if the editor has +given insertion to his new flaming advertisement, wherein he promises to +perform what is utterly impossible to be accomplished.” + </p> +<p> +“I wonder if he can speak,” said Tom, laying clown the paper; “I'll try +him.—A fine morning, Sir.” + </p> +<p> +As this was directed immediately to meet the old gentleman's ear, he +looked up for the first time since they had entered. +</p> +<p> +“Beautiful, Sir,” was the reply—and here the conversation ceased +again. +</p> +<p> +“Excellent coffee,” said Sparkle,—“is there any news to-day, Sir?” + endeavouring to rouse him again. +</p> +<p> +“There is always news, Sir,” was the reply, taking a plentiful supply of +snuff. +</p> +<p> +“Of one sort or other,” continued Bon. +</p> +<p> +“Why yes, have we not every day a quantity of newspapers that make their +appearance with the sun?” + </p> +<p> +“Truly,” replied Sparkle; “but you could hardly misunderstand me—I +alluded to something out of the common run of events; such, for instance, +as relates to the interests of the nation, the agricultural distress, the +distress of the Irish, the state of the American independents, the +proceedings of the Spanish cortes, and the French chamber; the movements +of the Greeks, the operations of Turkey and Russia, or the—or—” + </p> +<p> +“Why, Sir, your inquiries are very rational; and as I perceive you have a +desire for intelligence, and I have at all times a desire to impart such +as I am in possession of for the benefit of others, the newspapers have +abundance of information; but I must say the editors, though men of +education and intelligence, are not always well informed: besides, Sir, +there is no reliance on their assertions; many valuable and important +secrets are in the hands of individuals, which never find their way into +the public journals.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[288]</span> Having proceeded thus far, our three +friends were all anxiety to continue what now assumed the appearance of an +interesting conversation. +</p> +<p> +“The nation is gull'd by misrepresentation, from the high to the low one +system is acted upon; but I have a document in my pocket which came into +my possession in rather an extraordinary manner, and is as extraordinary +in its contents; it was thrust into my hand on my way here by a stranger, +who instantly disappeared.” + </p> +<p> +“A curious salute,” observed Tom; “probably some state paper, some +information on foreign affairs, or a petition to be presented to the +House.” + </p> +<p> +“The fact is, Sir, as I had no conversation with the stranger, I was +ignorant of the importance of the document; but upon opening it, judge of +my astonishment, when I found it concerned a Prince well known to the +British nation, whose interests depend on its support.” + </p> +<p> +“O ho,” said Sparkle, “then perhaps it is of a delicate nature, and more +attaching to private circumstances than public affairs.” + </p> +<p> +“You shall hear, Sir.—It was an appeal to myself, amongst others, in +which Russia was stated to be in such connection with Greece, that the +heads of this kingdom could not but be conscious of the important results; +results, Sir, that were enough to make one's hair stand on end; indeed, I +have never been able to dismiss the subject from my mind since I first +cast my eye over the information.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds, then,” cried Dashall, “there is much to be apprehended.” + </p> +<p> +“It is impossible for me,” continued the old gentleman, “to say how far +the distinguished person to whom I have alluded has already, or may +hereafter succeed in the objects he has in view; but this I think certain, +that if he can but interest the Poles on his side, his affairs must +thrive.” + </p> +<p> +The Hon. Tom Dashall by this time was puzzled with the lengthened +introduction this gentleman was giving; he sipped his coffee—looked +grave—smiled, took up the paper—pretended to read—then +laid it down again. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[288]</span> Sparkle looked wise, and betrayed his +anxiety by moving closer to the communicant. Tallyho fixed his eyes on the +old gentleman, with an apparent desire to count the words he uttered. +</p> +<p> +“In the meantime,” continued the interesting stranger, “he is so +indefatigable in diffusing through all ranks of society, by means of the +press and private agents, a knowledge of the power he has of smoothing the +way to success, that the crown ought to receive his proffered aid for its +own benefit.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” said Sparkle, “it really is a document of public importance: if +not too great a favour, might we be allowed a sight of the———” + </p> +<p> +“The document,—Oh certainly, Sir,” said he, hastily rising and +drawing a printed paper from his pocket; “I will leave it with you:” then +throwing it on the table, he made a precipitate retreat. +</p> +<p> +The little care which the old gentleman seemed to take of this scrap of +importance, struck them all with wonder. +</p> +<p> +“A rum old codger,” said Tom; “and I recommend his observations, as well +as the produce of his pocket, to the serious consideration of our friend +Sparkle, who will perhaps read this paper for the benefit of us all.” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle, who by this time had unfolded this mysterious paper, burst into a +hearty laugh; and as soon as he could command his risibility, he read as +follows: +</p> +<p> +“PRINCE'S RUSSIA OIL, For promoting the growth of Hair.” + </p> +<p> +“And Sparkle introduced to Greece,” said Tom.—“Well, the old buck +has paid you off for your interruption: however, he has certainly proved +his own assertion, that there is no reliance on any body.” + </p> +<p> +“A mountain in labour,” continued Tom,—“I think he had you in a +line, however.” + </p> +<p> +“I cannot help thinking,” replied Sparkle, “that there is a great +similarity between him and some of our most popular parliamentary orators, +for he has said a great deal to little purpose; but come, let us move on, +and lose no more time in the French coffee house, discussing the merits or +virtues of Russia oil.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[289]</span> This proposition being acceded to, our +friends now took their way along Pall Mall, where the improvements +recently made struck Sparkle with pleasure and delight; the appearance of +new and elegant houses occupying the situation of buildings of a shabby +and mean exterior, and the introduction of new streets, were subjects of +considerable admiration. +</p> +<p> +“The rapidity of alterations in London,” said Sparkle, “are almost +inconceivable.” + </p> +<p> +“That remark,” replied Tom, “only arises from your late absence from the +scene of action; for to us who frequently see their progress, there is but +little to excite wonder. Now for my part I am more astonished in present +times, when so many complaints are made of distress, that occupiers can be +found for them, and also seeing the increase of buildings at every part of +the environs of London, where tenants can be found to occupy them.” + </p> +<p> +“I confess,” said Tallyho, “that is a subject which I have often thought +upon without being able to come to any reasonable conclusion; it appears +to me to prove a great increase of population, for although I am aware of +the continued influx of new comers from the country, the towns and +villages appear as full as ever.” + </p> +<p> +“I am not able to solve the mystery to my own satisfaction,” replied +Sparkle, “in either case, though I cannot help acknowledging the facts +alluded to. It however seems in this place to prove the correctness of the +Poet's lines, who says, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Wherever round this restless world we range, +Nothing seems constant saving constant change. +Like some magician waving mystic wand, +Improvement metamorphoses the land, +Grubs up, pulls down, then plants and builds anew, +Till scenes once loved are banished from our view. +The draughtsman with officious eye surveys +What capabilities a site displays: +How things may be made better for the worse, +And much improve—at least the schemer's purse.” + </div> +<p> +Continuing their course along Parliament-street, they soon arrived at +Westminster-bridge, when the day proving extremely fine, it was proposed +to embrace the opportunity of making an excursion by water. The tide +served for London Bridge, and without further ceremony, Tom, Bob, and +Sparkle jumped into a wherry, and were quickly gliding along upon the +bosom of Old Father Thames. The smiling appearance of the day, and the +smooth unruffled surface of the water, excited the most cheerful and +enlivening feelings of the mind. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[290]</span> “Nice weather for the rowing match,” + said a bluff looking sturdy built waterman, who had doffed his coat, +waistcoat, and cravat, in order to facilitate him in performing his duty. +</p> +<p> +“Rowing match,” inquired Tom. “When does it take place?” + </p> +<p> +“Why this afternoon at four o'clock, your Honour. Vauxhall will be very +full to-night,—Them ere people what's got it now are a getting +plenty of company, and they will have a bumper to-night, for the gentlemen +what belongs to the funny club gives a funny to be rowed for.” + </p> +<p> +“That's funny enough,” exclaimed Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +“And convenient too,” said Tom; “for as we have no engagement for the +evening, we can mingle with the lads on their water frolic.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” said Bob; “and as I am given to understand Vauxhall +is greatly improved, it will make an admirable wind up of the day.” + </p> +<p> +Approaching Waterloo Bridge—“What have we here,” exclaimed Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“That,” said Tom, “is a floating fire engine, for the protection of +shipping, and sometimes very useful in cases of fire on the banks of the +river.” + </p> +<p> +“An excellent idea,” continued Bob, “because they can never be in want of +water.” + </p> +<p> +“Will you sit a little more this way, Sir, if you please? we shall trim +better.” + </p> +<p> +Bob rose hastily upon this intimation; and had not his Cousin caught him +by the coat, would have trimmed himself into the watery element. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds, man, you had nearly upset us all. You must trim the boat, and sit +steady, or we shall all go to Davey's locker. You must not attempt to +dance in such a vehicle as this.” + </p> +<p> +Bob's confusion at this circumstance created laughter to his two friends, +which however he could not exactly enjoy with the same relish; nor did he +perfectly recover himself till they were safely landed at Tower Stairs. +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said Tom, “I propose a peep at the interior of this place, a row +down to Greenwich to dinner, and then a touch at the rowing match; what +say you—agreed on all hands.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[291]</span> “Then,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, +“wait for us here old boy, and you shall be our conveyancer.” + </p> +<p> +“I don't know nothing of you, gentlemen; and you understand me, I'm not a +going to be done—I'm too old a hand to be catch'd in that there +fashion; but if so be you engages me for the day, you can take the number +of my boat—but then you must tip.” + </p> +<p> +“Right,” said Sparkle, “who knows whether we shall escape the Lions, and +then how is old rough and tough to get paid.” + </p> +<p> +“You'll excuse me, gentlemen, I don't mean no affront upon my soul; but I +have stood the nonsense before now, and been flung—but I von't be +sarved out in that there way any more. I am up to the gossip, and expects +you'll come down with the rag.” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly,” said Tom Dashall with a smile; “I am aware of the hint, which +by the way is pretty broadly conveyed, therefore be satisfied; “and giving +him a sovereign, they proceeded into the Tower. +</p> +<p> +The entrance to the Tower from the wharf is by a drawbridge, near to which +is a cut connecting the river with the ditch, having a water gate, called +Traitor's Gate; state prisoners having been formerly conveyed by this +passage from the Tower to Westminster for trial; and over this gate is the +water-works which supply the fortress. +</p> +<p> +Having passed the drawbridge, Bob looked around him, almost conceiving +himself in a new world; he saw houses and streets, of which he had formed +no conception. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds,” said he, “this Tower seems almost to contain a City.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied Dashall, “it occupies some ground. Its extent within the +walls is twelve acres and five roods. The exterior circuit of the ditch, +which entirely surrounds it, is 3156 feet. The principal buildings are the +Church, the White Tower, the Ordnance Office, the Record Office, the Jewel +Office, the Horse Armoury, the Grand Store House, the small Armoury, the +houses belonging to the Officers, barracks for the Garrison, and two +Suttling Houses for the accommodation of the military and the +inhabitants.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[292]</span> The White Tower, as it is called, is a +large square building in the centre of the fortress; on the top of which +are four watch towers, one being at present used as an observatory. +Neither the sides of this building, nor the small towers, are uniform. The +walls are whitewashed: near to it is the grand storehouse, a plain +building of brick and stone, 345 feet long, and 60 feet broad. +</p> +<p> +Being conducted to the Spanish{1} armory, Tallyho was much gratified with +a view of its contents—trophies of the famous victory of Queen +Elizabeth over the Spanish armada, among which the most remarkable were +the thumb screws, intended to be used in order to extort confession from +the English, where their money was hidden. The axe with which the +unfortunate Anne Bullen was beheaded by order of Henry VIII.; a +representation of Queen Elizabeth in armour, standing by a cream-coloured +horse, attended by a page, also attracted his attention; her majesty being +dressed in the armour she wore at the time she addressed her brave army at +Tilbury, in 1588, with a white silk petticoat, richly ornamented with +pearls and spangles. In the Small Armory, which is one of the finest rooms +in Europe, containing complete stands of arms for 100,000 men, they could +not but admire the beautiful and elegant manner in which the arms were +disposed, forming tasteful devices in a variety of figures: a piece of +ordnance from Egypt, and the Highland broadsword, also claimed particular +notice. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The Spanish Armory, Small Armory, Train of Artillery, and +Horse Armory, may be seen at the price of 2s. each person, +with a compliment per company to the Warder. +</div> +<p> +The Volunteer Armory, containing arms piled in beautiful order for 30,000 +men, with pikes, swords, &c. in immense numbers, presented to them a +fine figure of Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, in bright armour, bearing +the very lance he actually used in his lifetime, which is no less than 18 +feet long. The Sea Armory, containing arms for nearly 50,000 seamen and +marines, and the Royal Artillery, which is partly kept on the ground floor +under the Small Armory, next underwent inspection. Here they could not +help admiring the room, which is 380 feet long, 50 feet wide, and 24 feet +high, and the many peculiarly fine pieces of cannon which it contained. +The artillery is ranged on each side, leaving a passage in the centre of +ten feet in breadth. Twenty pillars in this room support the Small Armory +above, which are hung round with implements of war, and trophies taken +from the enemy, producing altogether a grand and imposing effect. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[293]</span> The Horse Armory—a noble room, +crowded with curiosities—proved a source of high gratification. Here +they found themselves in company with all the kings of England, from +William the Conqueror to George III.; the whole on horseback, and in +armour. The armour of John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster, seven feet high, +and the sword and lance of proportionable size, were viewed as objects of +wonder. +</p> +<p> +In the Jewel Office,{1} containing the regalia of state, was the next +object to which they directed their attention. Here they were shewn the +Imperial Crown, with which the Kings of England are crowned: it is made of +gold, enriched with diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires, and pearls. The +cap is of purple velvet, lined with white taffety, and turned up with +three rows of ermine. This crown is never used but at coronations; the +golden globe, which is placed in the King's right hand before he is +crowned; the golden sceptre and its cross, upon a large amethyst, +decorated with table diamonds; the sceptre, which is considered to be far +the most ancient in the collection, and probably a part of the original +regalia, is covered with jewels and gothic enamel work, surmounted with an +onyx dove, was found by the present keeper in the year 1814, and is +estimated at a very high value. St. Edward's staff, made of beaten gold, +and which is borne before the King in the coronation procession, is 4 feet +7 inches and a half in length, and 3 inches and 3 quarters round. The +golden saltseller, the sword of mercy without a point, the grand silver +font, used for christenings of the royal family, and the crown of state +worn by the King at his meeting of the Parliament, and other state +occasions, were viewed in succession with admiration and delight. The +latter is of great splendour and value; it is covered with precious stones +of a large size, and on the top of its cross is a pearl, which Charles I. +pledged for eighteen thousand pounds to the Dutch Republic: under the +cross is an emerald diamond, of a palish green colour, valued at one +hundred thousand pounds, being seven inches and +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The Jewel Office is shewn for 1s. each person in company; +a single person pays 1s. 6d.: it may be seen separately, but +not without a Warder. +</div> +<p> +a half in circumference; in the front is a rock ruby in its purely natural +state, unpolished, three inches in length, the value of which cannot be +estimated. Several other curiosities of state regalia—such as the +golden eagle, the golden spur, the crown of Queen Mary, the cross of King +William, and the diadem worn by the Queens Anne and Mary, were numbered +among the valuable jewels contained in this office, together with +abundance of curious old plate, the value of which, independent of several +of the jewels, which are inestimable, is not less than two millions +sterling. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[294]</span> “Now,” said Dashall, as they left the +Jewel Office, “we have taken a view of the inanimates, we must not leave +the spot without a peep at the lions;{l} for though I believe there is +nothing very extraordinary in the collection, more than may be seen at the +menagerie at Exeter Change, it would be an unpardonable omission not to +see the lions in the Tower.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The wild beasts, &c. are shewn at 1s. each. +</div> +<p> +For this purpose they proceeded to the western entrance, where they were +quickly introduced by the keeper to the various animals under his care, +and who, in going round with them, explained, as usual, their several +histories. +</p> +<p> +In examining these various curiosities, time had imperceptibly stolen a +march upon them, and their original plan of proceeding to Greenwich was +found to be impracticable; besides which, upon reaching the stairs where +they had landed, the bluff old waterman was not to be found. +</p> +<p> +“Zounds,” said Dashall, “this looks like a do. I wonder what's become of +the old blade.” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle began to laugh, and Bob bit his lip. Tom made inquiry of a boy at +the stairs, who informed him that Barney was gone to the suttling house to +smoak a pipe. +</p> +<p> +“All right,” said Tom, “then we will soon rouse him, and start.” + </p> +<p> +Upon this they moved back again into the Tower, and according to the +directions they had received, they found Barney in the tap-room, puffing +away care, and singing with Stentorian voice to the surrounding company— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“From Irongate to Limehouse Hole, +You will not meet a kinder soul, +While the Thames is flowing, +Pull away ho—Pull away ho.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[295]</span> In search of real life and character, +and at all times rather inclined to promote mirth than spoil sport, our +friends immediately entered unperceived by Barney, and taking an opposite +corner of the room, were quickly attended by the landlord, who received +orders, and produced them supplies. +</p> +<p> +The song being over, and Barney rewarded for his exertions by the most +enthusiastic applause of the room, he renewed his pipe, at the same time +declaring to a soldier who sat near him, he thought “he had miss'd fire, +for he was d———d if he didn't think he'd lost his +company, or his company had lost him—but that he had taken care to +nibble the blunt, and upon that there score all was right—so +landlord tip us another quart, and if they don't make their appearance by +the time I've got through that, I'll tip them the toddle, shove off my +boat, and disappear.—That's the time of day, an't it, boy.” + </p> +<p> +“Why aye, to be sure,” replied the soldier, “you watermen leads a happy +life; you are your own masters, you does just as you pleases, while a +soldier dare as well be d———d as desert his post. But I +say, Barney, mind what +</p> +<p> +you says,—nose—nose;” accompanying the last two words with a +significant action of placing his finger on his nose, and winking his eye. +</p> +<p> +Upon this intimation, which appeared to be well understood by Barney, he +puffed off an immoderate cloud of smoke, and looking round the room, +perceived his customers in the corner. +</p> +<p> +“Be quiet,” said he, “that's my fare—so it's all right again,—Do +you want me, gentlemen; I am always ready, so that whenever you says the +word, Barney's your boy.” + </p> +<p> +“Presently,” said Dashall, “for it would be hard to make you start upon a +full jorum.” + </p> +<p> +“Why I must say,” continued Barney, “I never likes to leave a foaming +quart behind me;” and catching hold of the pot of <i>heavy wet</i>, he +roared out,— +</p> +<p> +“What a hearty blade am I, +</p> +<div class='pre'> +Care can never touch my heart; +Every trouble I defy, +While I view the foaming quart.” + </div> +<p> +and taking a hearty drink, he handed it to his companion, filled his pipe +afresh, lighted, and informed the gentlemen he was at their service; when +in a few minutes all being ready, they were quickly on board. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[296]</span> “I don't like the looks of the weather, +my masters, why we shall have a shower presently, where will you go to?” + </p> +<p> +“To Vauxhall,” was the reply. +</p> +<p> +“Very well, your Honour, then here goes; but if you don't get a sousing, +my name an't Barney.” + </p> +<p> +This prognostication proved true, for before they reached Blackfriars +Bridge, a smart shower came on, which nearly wetted them through before +they could reach land. When this was accomplished, they proceeded to the +Horn Tavern, Doctors Commons, where they partook of an excellent repast, +and the weather clearing up, they again joined Barney. +</p> +<p> +By this time the promising fineness of the evening had induced many to +venture forth to the rowing match, and the river was all gaiety and +delight. Boats of every description were seen filled with well dressed +persons, both male and female: the smiling countenances of the lads and +lasses were in unison with the laughing sun, that darted his brilliant +beams upon the dimpled wave, which seemed to leap in return with grateful +animation. The shores were lined with spectators, anxiously waiting the +moment for the commencement of this trial of skill. Our friends were +highly delighted with the prospect before them, and at the appointed time, +having rested on their oars near the place of starting, they saw with +pleasure the active preparations on the part of the competitors, and upon +the signal being given for the start, the river appeared to consist of +nothing but moving conveyances of happy faces, all guided in one +direction. The 'shouts of the various friends of the occasionally +successful candidates for the honour of victory, and the skill and +dexterity with which they manoeuvred against each other, were subjects of +continued admiration; while bands of music were heard from boats that +intermingled with the throng. The lads of the Funny Club were in high glee—numerous +cutters and sailing boats, with their owners and visiting friends, were +also in the throng. Barney pulled away like a good one, and for a +considerable distance kept nearly up with the principal actors in this gay +and animated scene of aquatic diversion, and arrived off Cumberland +gardens just in time to have an excellent view of the winner coming in at +the appointed spot, in prime style, amidst the loud and reiterated +plaudits of his friends. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[297]</span> The intention of visiting Vauxhall +Gardens was, however, for the present evening relinquished; and our party, +feeling fatigued by their excursion, repaired homeward, where for the +present we shall leave them to their quiet and repose. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0008"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“I hate that drum's discordant sound, +Still rolling round and round and round,” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[298]</span> Exclaimed Dashall, as he advanced from +the breakfast table towards the window, when a pleasing and singular +street-exhibition presented itself, which had attracted around a numerous +audience, of all ages and conditions. +</p> +<p> +An itinerant purveyor of novelties was in the act of showing forth to an +admiring crowd, the docility of a tame hare. On a table in the street, on +which was placed a drum, the little animal stood, in an erect posture, and +with surprising tractableness obeyed the commands of its exhibiter, +delivered in very broken English, with which, nevertheless, it seemed +perfectly conversant. +</p> +<p> +“Vat mattiere now, dat you be so solky, and no take notice of your goot +friends?—Come, Sare, shew your politesse, and salute de genteelmens +at de window, who so kind as come to look at you.—Make way dere, +goot peoples and leetel childer, dat de genteelmens sail see,—dat +vill do. Now, sare, begin;—do your beisance all round.” + </p> +<p> +The animal, without any apparent instruction to whom to give the +precedency of obeisance, immediately faced “de genteelmens at de window,” + and saluted them with a conge of particular respect; which being +acknowledged with a motion of the hand by Dashall, the intelligent animal +expressed its sense of his complacency, by a second obeisance, more +profound than the first. +</p> +<p> +The spectators applauded, and the performer testified its gratitude by a +bow, all round. +</p> +<p> +“Dat all goot. Now, sare, tree role on de drom for <i>le Roi +d'Angletterre:—Vive le Roi d'Anglettere!</i>” + </p> +<p> +This command the animal very promptly obeyed, by substituting its fore +feet for sticks, and giving three prolonged rolls of the drum, each in +distinct succession. +</p> +<p> +“Now den for Messieurs.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[299]</span> With equal alacrity this hint was +attended to, and as <i>le Roi d'Angletterre</i> had three, so de +genteelmens at de window were honoured with two rolls of the drum. +</p> +<p> +The like compliment was paid to all de Englise peoples; and the minor +salute of one roll was given to the surrounding spectators. +</p> +<p> +The indefatigable drummer was next required to give a token of regard for +the Cook; but this he declined to do, and the order, though frequently +given, was as frequently uncomplied with. +</p> +<p> +“Vill you take notice of me, den?” + </p> +<p> +This question was instantly answered by the accustomed mark of respect. +</p> +<p> +“Genteelmans at de window, and peoples on de street, my leetel drommer no +love de cook,—no show her de respect dat he show you—he know +dat de cook be no friend of de pauvre hare; “—then turning towards +the animal, —“Vat,” said he, “must I speak all de tanks mineself?” + </p> +<p> +In deficiency of speech, the animal reiterated its obeisances— +“Diable!” exclaimed the exhibiter—“here comes de cook, to kill and +spit you!” + </p> +<p> +The hare instantly hastened to its hiding place, and thus terminated the +exhibition. +</p> +<p> +“This epitome of the world,” observed Tallyho, “lacks nothing to gratify +every sense of man! Here industry is on the alert to accumulate wealth, +and dissipation in haste to spend it. Here riot and licentiousness roll +triumphantly in gilded state, while merit pines in penury and obscurity;—and +here ingenuity roams the streets for a scanty and precarious subsistence, +exhibiting learned pigs, dogs, and so forth, that will cast accounts with +the precision of an experienced arithmetician; and a tame hare that will +beat a drum, and make a bow more gracefully than a dancing-master. This +last instance of human ingeniousness, by which the poor Frenchman picks up +a living, would almost induce a belief that the power of art is +unlimitable, and that apparently insurmountable difficulties may be +overcome by diligent perseverance!—Who, besides this foreigner, +would have thought of divesting a hare of its natural timidity, and +rendering it subservient, by a display of intelligence, to the acquirement +of his subsistence?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[300]</span> “And who,” said Dashall, “would have +thought, but a German, of training canary-birds to imitate military +evolution,—make a prisoner of one of their fellows as a deserter,—try +and condemn him to death,—apparently execute the sentence, by +shooting him with a small gun,—and finally, bear away the motionless +and seemingly lifeless body on a wheel-barrow, for interment!—Nay, +who would think of inverting the order of nature, by creating and +cementing a union of friendship between cats and birds and mice, +associating them together, within the confines of a cage, in the utmost +harmony of social intercourse?—And who shall presume to set bounds +to the human art, that from a deal board has constructed the figure of a +man that will beat at the difficult game of chess, the first players in +Europe;{1} and created a wooden musician, that in a solo from the trumpet, +will excel the best living performers on that instrument!” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It appears by the following letter from Presburg, in +Hungary, that this wonderful automaton was originally +invented and exhibited there:— + +“During my stay in this city, I have been so happy as to +form an acquaintance with M. de Kempett, an Aulic Counsellor +and Director General of the salt mines in Hungary. It seems +impossible to attain to a more perfect knowledge of +Mechanics, than this gentleman hath done. At least no artist +has yet been able to produce a machine, so wonderful in its +kind, as what he constructed about a year ago. M. de +Kempett, excited by the accounts he received of the +extraordinary performances of the celebrated M. de +Vaucanson, and of some other men of genius in Prance and +England, at first aimed at nothing more, than to imitate +those artists. But he has done more, he has excelled them. +He has constructed an Automaton, which can play at chess +with the most skilful players. This machine represents a man +of the natural size, dressed like a Turk, sitting before the +table which holds the chess-board. This table (which is +about three feet and a half long, and about two feet and a +half broad) is supported by four feet that roll on castors, +in order the more easily to change its situation; which the +inventor fails not to do from time to time, in order to take +away all suspicion of any communication. Both the table and +the figure are full of wheels, springs, and levers. M. de +Kempett makes no difficulty of shewing the inside of the +machine, especially when he finds any one suspects a boy to +be in it. I have examined with attention all the parts both +of the table and figure, and I am well assured there is not +the least ground for such an imputation. I have played a +game at chess with the Automaton myself. I have particularly +remarked, with great astonishment, the precision with which +it made the various and complicated movements of the arm, +with which it plays. It raises the arm, it advances it +towards that part of the chess-board, on which the piece +stands, which ought to be moved; and then by a movement of +the wrist, it brings the hand down upon the piece, opens the +hand, closes it upon the piece in order to grasp it, lifts +it up, and places it upon the square it is to be removed to; +this done, it lays its arm down upon a cushion which +is placed on the chess-board. If it ought to +take one of its adversary's pieces, then by one entire +movement, it removes that piece quite off the chess-board, +and by a series of such movements as 1 have been describing, +it returns to take up its own piece, and place it in the +square, which the other had left vacant. I attempted to +practise a small deception, by giving the Queen the move of +a Knight; but my mechanic opponent was not to be so imposed +on; he took up my Queen and replaced her in the square she +had been removed from. All this is done with the same +readiness that a common player shews at this game, and I +have often engaged with persons, who played neither so +expeditiously, nor so skilfully as this Automaton, who yet +would have been extremely affronted, if one had compared +them to him. You will perhaps expect me to propose some +conjectures, as to the means employed to direct this machine +in its movements. I wish I could form any that were +reasonable and well-founded; but notwithstanding the minute +attention with which I have repeatedly observed it, I have +not been able in the least degree to form any hypothesis +which could satisfy myself. The English ambassador, Prince +Guistiniani, and several English Lords, for whom the +inventor had the complaisance to make the figure play, stood +round the table while I played the game. They all had their +eyes on M. de Kempett, who stood by the table, or sometimes +removed five or six feet from it, yet not one of them could +discover the least motion in him, that could influence the +Automaton. They who had seen the effects produced by the +loadstone in the curious exhibitions on the Boulevards at +Paris, cried out, that the loadstone must have been the +means here employed to direct the arm. But, besides that +there are many objections to this supposition, M. de +Kempett, with whom I have had long conversations since on +this subject, offers to let any one bring as close as he +pleases to the table the strongest and best-armed magnet +that can be found, or any weight of iron whatever, without +the least fear that the movements of his machine will be +affected or disturbed by it. He also withdraws to any +distance you please, and lets the figure play four or five +moves successively without approaching it. It is unnecessary +to remark, that the marvellous in this Automaton consists +chiefly in this, that it has not (as in others, the most +celebrated machines of this sort) one determined series of +movements, but that it always moves in consequence of the +manner in which its opponent moves; which produces an +amazing multitude of different combinations in its +movements. M. de Kempett winds up from time to time the +springs of the arm of this Automaton, in order to renew its +MOVING FORCE, but this, you will observe, has no relation to +its guiding FORCE or power of direction, which makes the +great merit of this machine. In general I am of opinion, +that the contriver influences the direction of almost every +stroke played by the Automaton, although, as I have said, I +have sometimes seen him leave it to itself for many moves +together; which, in my opinion, is the most-difficult +circumstance of all to comprehend in what regards this +machine. M. de Kempett has the more merit in this invention, +as he complains that his designs have not always been +seconded by workmen so skilful as was requisite to the exact +precision of a work of this nature; and he hopes he shall, +ere long, produce to the world performances still more +surprising than this. Indeed one may expect every thing from +his knowledge and skill, which are exceedingly enhanced by +his uncommon modesty. Never did genius triumph with less +ostentation.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[302]</span> “London is a rare place for sights,—always +something new;—where the spirits need never flag through want of +amusement. Let me recapitulate,—there is the automaton chess-player +and the automaton trumpeter,—the family compact, alias amicable +society of cat, birds, and mice,—the military canaries, and an +hundred phenomena besides, of which we shall make the round in due time. +In the meanwhile, let us set out, like the knight of La Mancha, in search +of adventures, without running the risk of mistaking windmills for giants: +one of the former would, indeed, be a high treat to the insatiable +curiosity of the inhabitants of this metropolis; and as to giants, there +are none on shew since Bartholomew-fair, excepting those stationary +gentlemen, the twin-brothers, Gog and Magog, in Guildhall.” + </p> +<p> +Passing through the town without meeting with any new object worthy of +particular notice, they found themselves at the extremity of +Threadneedle-street, when Dashall, pointing to a neat plain building, +“this,” said he, “is the South Sea House. The South Sea Company was +established for the purpose of an exclusive trade to the South Seas, and +many thousands were ruined by the speculation: the iniquity and deception +were at last discovered, and those who were at the head were punished. The +eager hope of wealth frequently engenders disappointment,—but here +credulity attained her zenith;—amongst other schemes, equally +practicable, the projectors of this notorious bubble set up a method of +making butter from beech-trees; a plan to learn people to cast their +nativity; an insurance against divorces; and a way of making deal boards +out of saw-dust!” + </p> +<p> +“And is it possible,” inquired Tallyho, “that such most preposterous +theories obtained belief?” + </p> +<p> +“Even so,” answered Dashall,—“What is there in which human folly +will not believe?—We have all read of the bottle-conjurer.{1}—The +prevalence of curiosity is universal. I could safely stake any money, that +if public notice was given of a person who would leap down his own throat, +he would gain belief, and a full audience would favour him with their +company to witness his marvellous performance.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 This speculator by wholesale in English credulity, +advertised, “that he would, in the Haymarket theatre, +literally and <i>bona fide</i> creep into a quart bottle; and +further, would, when inside such quart bottle, entertain the +audience with a solo on the violin!” + +Long before the appointed hour of performance, the house was +crammed at all points, and thousands were sent from the +doors for want of room. The most eager curiosity prevailed +as the time drew near for the commencement of these +extraordinary feats, and the clamour for the appearance of +the performer was incessant and vociferous. At last he came +forward upon the stage, and all was breathless attention. +“Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that I cannot, to- +night, find a bottle large enough for the purpose intended; +but to-morrow I faithfully engage to go into a pint bottle, +in atonement of the present disappointment!” He then +retired. The shock was electrical,—a dead silence prevailed +for a moment;—the delusion vanished, and “confusion worse +confounded” ensued; the interior of the house was nearly +demolished. His It. H. the D. of C. was present, and lost a +gold-hilted sword. During “the wreck of matter and the crush +of worlds,” the speculator made off with his booty. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[303]</span> Proceeding into Bishopsgate-street, the +new City of London Tavern caught the attention of Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“This,” observed his friend, “is probably the first tavern in London, with +reference to superior accommodation. Here congregate the most eminent +corporate bodies, directors of public institutions and others, on +occasions of business or enjoyment; here the admirable arrangement of +every thing conducive to comfort is minutely attended to; here the +plenitude of abundance, and the delicacies of luxury, distinguish the +festive board, and the culinary art is shown forth to the very acme of +perfection; which, together with the varied, unsophisticated excellence of +the richest wines, secure to this celebrated tavern the continuance of a +well-merited public approbation. But one of these days we shall avail +ourselves of practical experience, by forming part of the company at +dinner.” + </p> +<p> +Proposing in their way home to take the skirts of the metropolis, they +directed their course through Moorfield, where Tallyho remarked on the +unseemly desolate waste there presenting itself, and expressed surprise +that it was not appropriated to some purposes of utility or ornament. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[304]</span> “It appears,” answered Dashall, “as if +some such improvement was in projection; probably a new square, if we may +so opine from present indications; however, be the intention what it may, +the execution is uncommonly tardy; with the exception of the central +iron-railing, the handsome structure on the opposite side, the solitary +building on the right, and range of new houses on the left, the tout +ensemble was the same twenty years ago. It is a scene of dilapidation +which might perhaps have been +</p> +<p> +“More honoured in the breach than in th' observance.” + </p> +<p> +I recollect, that when a boy, I frequently extended my rambles into the +quarters of Moorfields, for so was this place then named, from its +compartments, exhibiting rural appearance even in the centre of London. +Here were four enclosed fields, displaying in the season the beautiful +verdure of nature; and numerous trees branching, in ample shade, over two +great walks, that intersected each other at right angles, and formed the +afternoon promenade of the citizens' wives and daughters. In former times, +the quarters of Moorfields were resorted to by holiday visitants, as the +favourite place of rendezvous, where predominated the recreation of manly +exercises, and shows, gambols, and merriment were the orders of the day. +The present is an age of improvement,—and yet I cannot think, in an +already monstrously overgrown metropolis, the substitution of bricks and +mortar an equivalent for green fields and rural simplicity.” + </p> +<p> +Leaving Moorfields, they passed, in a few minutes, into Finsbury-square. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho appeared surprised by its uniformly handsome edifices, its +spacious extent, and beautiful circular area, in which the ground is laid +out and the shrubberies disposed to the very best advantage. “Here, at +least,” he observed, “is a proof that Taste and Elegance are not +altogether excluded a civic residence.” + </p> +<p> +“In this square, taking its name from the division of Finsbury,” said +Dashall, “reside many of the merchants and other eminent citizens of +London; and here, in the decorations, internally, of their respective +mansions, they vie with the more courtly residents westward, and exceed +them generally in the quietude of domestic enjoyment.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[305]</span> Renewing their walk along the City +Road, the gate of Bunhill Fields burying-ground standing conveniently +open, “Let us step in,” said Dashall,—“this is the most extensive +depository of the dead in London, and as every grave almost is surmounted +by a tombstone, we cannot fail in acquiring an impressive <i>memento mori</i>.” + </p> +<p> +While examining a monumental record, of which there appeared a countless +number, their attention was withdrawn from the dead, and attracted by the +living. An elderly personage, arrayed in a rusty suit of sables, with an +ink bottle dangling from one of the buttons of his coat, was intently +employed in copying a long, yet well written inscription, to the memory of +Patrick Colquhon, L.L.D., author of a Treatise on the Police of the +Metropolis, and several other works of great public utility. Having +accomplished his object, the stranger saluted Dashall and Tallyho in a +manner so courteous as seemingly to invite conversation. +</p> +<p> +“You have chosen, Sir,” observed Mr. Dashall, “rather a sombre cast of +amusement.” + </p> +<p> +“Otherwise occupation,” said the stranger, “from which I derive +subsistence. Amidst the endless varieties of Real Life in London, I am an +<i>Epitaph-Collector</i>, favoured by my friends with the appellation of +<i>Old Mortality</i>, furnished them by the voluminous writer and meteor +of the north, Sir Walter Scott.” + </p> +<p> +“Do you collect,” asked Tallyho, “with the view of publishing on your own +account?” + </p> +<p> +“No, Sir,—I really am not in possession of the means wherewith to +embark on so hazardous a speculation. I am thus employed by an eccentric, +yet very worthy gentleman, of large property, who ambitious of +transmitting his name to posterity, means to favour the world with a more +multitudinous collection of epitaphs than has hitherto appeared in any age +or nation;—his prospectus states “Monumental Gleanings, in +twenty-five quarto volumes!” + </p> +<p> +“Astonishing!” exclaimed Dashall,—“Can it be possible that he ever +will be able to accomplish so vast an undertaking?” + </p> +<p> +“And if he does,” said Tallyho, “can it be possible that any person will +be found to read a production of such magnitude, and on such a subject?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[306]</span> “That to him is a matter of +indifference,” said Old Mortality,—“he means to defray the entire +charges, and the object of publication effected, will rest satisfied with +the approbation of the discerning few, leaving encomium from the multitude +to authors or compilers more susceptible of flattery,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Born with a stomach to digest a ton!” + </div> +<p> +As to the quantum of materiel, he is indefatigable in personal research, +employing besides numerous collectors even in the sister island, and in +this, from the Land's-end to Johnny Grot's house.” + </p> +<p> +“And when,” asked Dashall, “is it probable that this gigantic work may be +completed?” + </p> +<p> +“Can't say,” answered Old Mortality,—“I should think at no very +remote period: the collection is in daily accumulation, and we are already +in possession of above ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND.” + </p> +<p> +“Prodigious!” exclaimed Dashall, “as Dominic Sampson says. And pray, Sir, +what number may your assiduities have contributed towards the aggregate?” + </p> +<p> +“That,” answered Old Mortality, “I cannot exactly ascertain; to those, +however, already supplied, this ground will yield a considerable +increase.” + </p> +<p> +“May we solicit,” said Tallyho, “without the imputation of intrusion, the +favour of your reading to us from your table-book, a few of the most +remarkable epitaphs?” + </p> +<p> +Old Mortality readily promised gratification as far as possible, but he +had not his table-book with him; “I have been employed to day,” said he, +“in making extracts from one of our manuscript folio volumes, for the +purpose of insertion in the different metropolitan daily papers;—here +they are”—taking a small bundle from his pocket, tied round with red +tape,—“one for each paper: permit me, gentlemen, for a moment just +to look over the endorsations.” + </p> +<p> +The triumvirate now seated themselves on a tombstone, and Old Mortality +untying the bundle of extracts, laid them down in loose compact; then +taking up the first, and reading the superscription, shewing for what +newspaper it was intended, he reversed it on the tombstone.—“This,” + said he, “is for “<i>The Times, British Press, Morning Post, Morning +Chronicle, Morning Advertiser, Morning Herald, Public Ledger</i>,—all +right,—and sorted, as the postman sorts his letters: I shall take, +first of all, Printing-house Square, the others are in a direct line of +delivery.” This important arrangement made, he took up one paper from the +bundle, and read the contents with an audible voice:—<span +class="pagenum">[307]</span> +</p> +<p> +SPECIMEN OF MONUMENTAL GLEANINGS, +</p> +<p> +Extracted from the manuscript folio of a new compilation of Epitaphs, +serious and eccentric, now in collection, from numerous Dormitories in +Great Britain and Ireland; To be completed with all possible expedition, +And will be ushered to the patronage of a discerning Public, in +Twenty-five quarto volumes. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +In the Church-yard of Winchester, Hants. + +Here lies interred a Hampshire Grenadier, +Who got his death by drinking cold small beer. +Soldiers, take heed from his untimely fall, +And if you drink, drink strong, or none at all. + +In Stepney Church-yard. + +Here lies the body of Daniel Saut, +Spitalfields weaver,—and that's all. + +In Chigwem Church-yard. + +This disease you ne'er heard tell on, +I died of eating too much melon; +Be careful then all you that feed—I +Suffer'd, because I was too greedy. + +In St. John's, Leeds. + +<i>Hic jacet</i>, sure the fattest man +That Yorkshire stingo made; +He was a lover,—of his can, +A clothier by his trade. +His waist did measure three yards round, +He weighed almost three hundred pound; +His flesh did weigh full twenty stone,— +His flesh, I say—he had no bone,— +At least 'tis said that he had none. + +Eltham. + +My wife lies here beneath, +Alas from me she's flown! +She was so good, that Death +Would have her for his own. + +At Maidstone. + +My life was short, as you may see, +I died at only twenty-three. +Now free from pain and grief I rest +I had a cancer in my breast; +The Doctors all their physic tried, +And thus by slow degrees I died! + +Northampton. + +Here lies the corpse of Susan Lee, +Who died of heartfelt pain, +Because she lov'd a faithless he, +Who lov'd not her again! +Pray for me, old Thomas Dunn,— +But if you don't,—'tis all one! + +In Aberdeen, Scotland. + +Here lies auld William Alderbroad. +Have mercy on his soul, Lord God, +As he would have were he Lord God, +And thou auld William Alderbroad! + +Sir William Walworth, Lord Mayor of London +St. Michael's, Crooked Lane. +Hereunder lyth a man of fame, +William Walworth callyd by name; +Fishmonger he was in life time here, +And twice Lord Maior as in bookes appere, +Who with courage stout and manly might +Slew Wat Tyler, in King Richard's sight. +For which act done and trew intent, +The King made him a Knight incontinent, +And gave him armes, as heere you see, +To declare his fait and chivalrie. +He left this life the yere of our God, +Thirteene hundryd fourscore and three, odd. + +William Wray. +In the same Church-yard. + +Here lyeth, wrapt in clay, +The body of William Wray;— +I have no more to say. +</div> +<p> +Interchanging civilities, the party now separated, the collector to resume +his occupation, and the two friends their walk. +</p> +<p> +“Twenty-five quarto volumes,” exclaimed the Squire, “and exclusively +filled with epitaphs; this fellow has set himself a task with a +vengeance!” + </p> +<p> +“And which,” answered his friend, “he will never be able to accomplish; +however, the ambition of renown as a voluminous collector is the less +censurable, as being unattended by any of its too frequently pernicious +concomitants, and giving to others an acceptable and not irrational +employment; he is only blameable in the projected extent, not the nature +of his pursuit; and happy would it be for mankind did the love of fame +engender no greater evil than that, if any, which may accrue from the +Herculean labours of this epitaph collector.” + </p> +<p> +“Yet to us, the uninitiated of the country, it would never occur that +there existed even in London a man who disseminated his fortune, and +applied his mental and corporeal energies in gleaning epitaphs.” + </p> +<p> +“Neither perhaps would it occur that there existed even in London a +virtuoso who discovered that fleas were a species of lobster, and who +proceeded to proof by the ordeal of boiling water, on the supposition that +the process would change their hue from black to red, and thus +satisfactorily establish the correctness of his judgment; unfortunately, +however, the boiled fleas still retained their original colour, and the +ingenious hypothesis was reluctantly relinquished."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It is told of another virtuoso, that he was waited upon +one morning by a stranger, who announced that he had the +opportunity of procuring an inestimable curiosity—a horned +cock; but that its owner, an avaricious old woman, had her +domicile in the highlands of Scotland, to which remote +region it would be necessary to travel, amply provided with +the pecuniary means of securing this wonderful bird; and +that it would be expedient to set out immediately, lest the +matchless phenomenon should become the prize of a more +fortunate competitor. + +“A horned cock! the very acme of frolicsome nature,—a +desideratum in the class of <i>lusus naturae</i>, which I would +rather possess than the mines of Peru!—Away, my dear +fellow; speed like lightning to the north,—purchase this +precious bird at any price; and should the old woman +hesitate at separation from her cornuted companion, why then +purchase both, and bring them to town with all possible +celerity!” + +In the interval between this important mission and the +achievement of its object, the anxiety of the virtuoso was +inexpressible;—a horned cock! it was the incessant subject +of his cogitations by day, and of his dreams by night. At +last the auspicious moment arrived; in the still noontide of +night the preconcerted rap at the street door announced the +happy result of the momentous expedition. The virtuoso +sprang from his couch with extasy to admit the illustrious +prodigy of nature. His astonishment, delight, and triumph +were unspeakable:—two horns of the most beautiful curva- +ture adorned the crested head of this noble northern. +Anticipation thus blessed by the fulness of fruition, the +bringer was super-abundantly rewarded. Next morning the +virtuoso sent a message to each of his most highly favoured +friends, desiring attendance at his house instantaneously, +on an occasion of vast importance. “Gentlemen,” said he to +his assembled visitants, “I may now boast possession of that +whicli will astonish the universe—a horned cock! behold the +rara avis, and envy my felicity!” So saying, he uncovered a +wicker basket, when lo! the bird, shorn of its honours! +indignant at confinement, and struggling for freedom, had +dropped its waxen antlers! The unfortunate virtuoso stood +aghast and speechless, and only at last found utterance to +curse his own credulity! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[310]</span> Pursuing their course along the City +Road, the two friends were attracted by the appearance of a caravan, +stationary on the road side, whereon was inscribed, in large characters, +The Female Salamander. +</p> +<p> +“Here is another instance,” observed Dashall, “of the varieties of Real +Life in London.” + </p> +<p> +“Walk in, gentlemen,” exclaimed the proprietor, “and see the surprising +young woman over whom the element of fire has no control!” + </p> +<p> +Tom and Bob accepted the invitation. Entering the caravan, they were +received by an interesting young female, apparently not more than eighteen +years of age, with a courteousness of manner far beyond what could have +been expected from an itinerant exhibitor. +</p> +<p> +So soon as a sufficient number of spectators had congregated within the +vehicle, the female Salamander commenced her exhibition. +</p> +<p> +Taking a red-hot poker from the fire, she grasped it firmly, and drew it +from head to point through her hand, without sustaining the smallest +injury! +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[311]</span> “Will you permit me to look at your +hand?” asked Dashall. +</p> +<p> +The girl extended her hand,—the palm was moist, and seemed to have +been previously fortified against danger by some secret liquid or other +application, now reeking from its recent contact with the flaming weapon. +</p> +<p> +An uncivilized bumpkin accused her of deception, asserting that the poker +was not heated to the extent represented. +</p> +<p> +“Touch and try,” answered the girl. He did so, and the cauterizing +instrument gave a feeling (although not very satisfactory) negative to his +assertion. +</p> +<p> +“The mystery,” continued Dashall, “of resisting the impression of tire, +certainly originates in the liquid by which your hand has been protected.” + </p> +<p> +“I shall answer your observation,” said the Salamander, “by another +performance.” + </p> +<p> +She then dipped her fingers into a pot of molten lead, and let fall upon +her tongue several drops of the metallic fluid, to the no small amazement +and terror of the company; and as if to remove the idea of precautionary +application, she after a lapse of five minutes, repeated the same +extraordinary exhibition, and finally immerged her naked feet in the +boiling material. +</p> +<p> +The inscrutable means by which the Salamander executed these feats with +the most complete success and safety, were not to be divulged; and as +neither of our respectable friends felt desirous of emulating the fair +exhibitant, they declined the importunity of further inquiry. +</p> +<p> +“This is, indeed,” said Dashall, as they resumed their walk, “the age of +wonders:—here is a girl who can bear to gargle her mouth with melted +lead, put her delicate feet into the same scalding material, and pass +through her hands a flaming red-hot poker! I am inclined to believe, that +were the present an age of superstition, she might be burnt for a witch, +were she not happily incombustible. For my own part, I sincerely hope that +this pyrophorous prodigy will never think of quitting her own country; and +as I am a bachelor, I verily believe I should be tempted to make her an +offer of my hand, could I flatter myself with any chance of raising +aflame, or making a match with such uninflammable commodity. Only conceive +the luxury, when a man comes home fatigued, and in a hurry for his tea, of +having a wife who can instantly take out the heater for <span +class="pagenum">[312]</span> the urn with her fingers,—stir the fire +with ditto—snuff candles with ditto—make a spit of her arm, or +a toasting fork of her thumb! What a saving, too, at the washing season, +since she need only hold her hand between the bars till it is red-hot, +thrust it into a box iron, and iron you off a dozen children's frocks, +while an ordinary laundress would be coddling the irons over the fire, +spitting upon them, and holding them to her cheek to ascertain the heat +before she began to work.” + </p> +<p> +“And,” observed the Squire, taking up his friend's vein of humour, “if the +young lady be as insensible to the flames of Cupid as she is to those of +Vulcan, she might still be highly useful in a national point of view, and +well worthy the attention of the various fire-offices.” + </p> +<p> +“Exactly so,” replied his Cousin,—“how desirable for instance would +it have been at the late alarming fire in Gracechurch-street, to have had +a trustworthy person like her, who could very coolly perambulate the +blazing warehouses, to rescue from the flames the most valuable +commodities, or lolling astraddle upon a burning beam, hold the red-hot +engine pipe in her hand, and calmly direct the hissing water to those +points where it may be most effectually applied. In our various +manufactories, what essential services she might perform. In glass-houses, +for instance, it is notorious that great mischief sometimes arises from +inability to ascertain when the sand and flint have arrived at the proper +degree of fusion. How completely might this be remedied, by merely +shutting up the female Salamander in the furnace; and I can really imagine +nothing more interesting, than to contemplate her in that situation, +dressed in an asbestos pelisse, watching the reproduction of a phoenix +hung up in an iron cage by her side, fondling a spritely little +Salamander, and bathing her naked feet in the vitreous lava, to report +upon the intensity of heat. Much more might be urged to draw the attention +of government to the propriety of retaining this anti-ignitible young +lady, not only for the benefits she may confer upon the public, but for +the example she may afford to others of her own sex; that by a proper +exertion of courage, the most ardent sparks may be sometimes encountered +without the smallest inconvenience or injury.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[313]</span> Indulging in this playful vein of +raillery, they now reached that part of the City Road intersected by the +Regent's Canal, where its spacious basin, circumjacent wharfs and +warehouses, and winding line of water, with barges gliding majestically on +its placid wave, where lately appeared open fields arrayed in the verdure +of nature, afforded full scope for remark by Mr. Dashall, on the gigantic +design and rapid accomplishment, by commercial enterprize, of the most +stupendous undertakings. +</p> +<p> +“This work of incalculable public utility,” said Mr. Dashall, “sprang into +being with the alacrity of enchantment;—the same remark may apply to +every other improvement of this vast metropolis, so rapid in execution, +that one thinks of the wonderful lamp, and the magnificent palace of +Aladdin, erected in one night by the attendant genii.” + </p> +<p> +Onwards towards “merry Islington;"{1}—“here,” said Dashall, “is the +New River: this fine artificial stream is brought from two springs at Chad +well and Am well, in Hertfordshire, for the supply of London with water. +It was finished in 1613, by Sir Hugh Middleton, a citizen of London, who +expended his whole fortune in this public undertaking. The river, with all +its windings, is nearly 39 miles in length; it has 43 sluices, and 215 +bridges; over and under it a great number of brooks and water-courses have +their passage. In some places this canal is carried through vales, and in +others through subterraneous passages. It terminates in a basin called the +New River Head, close by. From the reservoir at Islington the water is +conveyed by 58 main pipes under ground along the middle of the principal +streets; and thence by leaden pipes to the different houses. Thus, by +means of the New River, and of the London Bridge water-works, every house +in the metropolis is abundantly supplied with water, at the expense each +of a few shillings only per annum. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Thus all through merry Islington +These gambols he did play. + +John Gilpin. +</div> +<p> +This village of Islington is a large and populous place, superior both in +size and appearance to many considerable towns in the country. Observe the +Angel Inn, celebrated for its ordinary, where you may enjoy, after a +country ramble, an excellent dinner on very moderate terms.—Apropos, +of the Angel Inn ordinary: some years ago it was regularly every Sunday +attended by a thin meagre <span class="pagenum">[314]</span> gaunt and +bony figure, of cadaverous aspect, who excited amongst the other guests no +small degree of dismay, and not without cause. Cognominated the Wolf, he +justified his pretensions to the appellation, by his almost incredible +powers of gormandizing; for a quantum of viands sufficient for six men of +moderate appetite, would vanish on the magic contact of his knife and +fork, in the twinkling of an eye; in fact, his voracity was considered of +boundless extent, for he invariably and without cessation consumed by +wholesale, so long as eatables remained on the table. One day, after +having essentially contributed to the demolition of a baron of beef, and +devoured an entire shoulder of lamb, with a commensurate proportion of +bread, roots, vegetables, &c, he pounced, with the celerity of a hawk, +on a fine roast goose, which unfortunately happened to have been just then +placed within the reach of his annihilating fangs, and in a very short +space of time it was reduced to a skeleton; having occasion for a few +minutes to leave the room, the company in the meanwhile secreted the bones +of the goose. The waiter now entered for the purpose of removing the +cloth: casting his eyes round the room, he seemed absorbed in perplexity—“What +is the matter?” asked one of the company; “do you miss arty thing?”—“Yes, +Sir, the bones of a goose!”—“Why then you may save yourself the +trouble of further search; the gentleman just gone out, of modest manners +and puny appetite, has devoured the goose, bones and all!”—The +waiter lost no time in reporting the appalling fact to his master, who now +more than ever was desirous of getting rid of the glutton—but how? +it was impossible to exclude him the ordinary, or set bounds to his +appetite; the only resource left was that of buying him off, which was +done at the rate of one shilling per diem, and the wolf took his +hebdomadary repast at a different ordinary: from this also his absence was +purchased at the same rate as by the first. Speculating on his gluttony, +he levied similar contributions on the proprietors of the principal +ordinaries in the metropolis and environs; and if the fellow is still +living, I have no doubt of his continuing to derive his subsistence from +the sources already described!—Now what think you of Real Life in +London?"{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The wolf, so cognominated, was less censurable for his +gluttony than the infamous purpose to which he applied it— +otherwise he had a parallel in a man of sublime genius. +Handel one day entered a tavern in the city and ordered six +mackarel, a fowl, and a veal cutlet, to be ready at a +certain hour. True to his appointment, he re-appeared at the +time stipulated, and was shown into an apartment where +covers were laid for four. Handel desired to have another +room, and ordered his repast to be served up immediately.— +“Then you don't wait for the rest of the company, sir?” + said the waiter.—“Companee! vat you tell me of companee?” + exclaimed Handel. “I vant no companee. I order dem two tree +ting for my lonch!” The repast was served up, and honoured +by Handel to the bones. He then drank a bottle of wine, and +afterwards went home to dinner! + +During one of the campaigns of Frederick of Prussia, a boor +was brought before him of an appetite so incredibly +ravenous, that he offered to devour a hog barbacued. A +general officer present ob-served, that the fellow ought to +be burnt as a wizard.—“May it please your Majesty,” said +the gormand, “to order that old gentleman to take off his +spurs, and I will eat him before I begin the hog!” Panic +struck, although a brave soldier, at the idea of being +devoured alive, the general shut himself up in his tent +until the man-eater departed the encampment. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[315]</span> The Squire knew not what to think—the +circumstance was so extraordinary, that the story would have been rejected +by him as unworthy of notice, had it been told by any other person; and +coming even from his respectable friend, he remained, until reassured of +the fact, rather incredulous of belief. +</p> +<p> +Descending the declivity leading from Pentonville to Battle Bridge, +Dashall, pointing to an extensive pile of buildings at some little +distance on the left,—“That,” said he, “is Cold Bath Fields +Penitentiary House, constructed on the plan of the late Mr. Howard, and +may be considered in all respects as an experiment of his principles. It +cost the county of Middlesex between £70 and £80,000, and its yearly +expenditure is about £7,000. It was opened in 1794, and was originally +designed only as a kind of Bridewell; but having suitable accommodations +for several descriptions of prisoners, it was applied to their different +circumstances. The prison you may observe is surrounded by a wall of +moderate height. Here are workshops for the prisoners; an office in which +the business of the prison is transacted; a committee-room, and the best +chapel of any prison in London. The cells are 218 in number, about eight +feet long each. In these, penitentiary prisoners are confined till they +have completed their tasks, when they are let into the courts at the back. +Owing to the exertions of Sir Francis <span class="pagenum">[316]</span> +Burdett, and his partizans, this house, about the year 1799 and 1800, +attracted much popular odium. Many abuses, now rectified, were then found +to exist in the management, though not to the full extent described.” + </p> +<p> +A new scene now rose on the view of our two pedestrians. A little further +on, in a field by the roadside, a motley assemblage of auditors environed +an orator mounted on a chair, who with frequent contortion of feature, and +appropriate accompaniment of gesticulation, was holding forth in the +spirit, as Pashalt, surmised, either of radicalism or fanaticism. This +elevated personage, on closer approximation, proved to be a +field-preacher, and judging from exterior appearance, no stranger to the +good things of this life, although his present admonitory harangue +strongly reprobated indulgence in the vanities of this wicked world;—he +was well clad, and in portly condition, and certainly his rubicundity of +visage by no means indicated on his part the union of practice with +precept. +</p> +<p> +Nothing of further interest occurred, and they reached home, pleased with +their day's ramble, that had been productive of so much amusement;—“thus +verifying,” said Dashall to the Squire, “the observation which you lately +made—that every hour brings to a metropolitan perambulator a fresh +accession of incident.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0009"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Observe that lean wretch, how dejected he looks, +The while these fat Justices pore o'er their books.— +“Hem, hem,—this here fellow our fortunes would tell,— +He thence at the treading-mill must have a spell: +He lives by credulity!”—Most people do,— +Even you on the bench there,—ay, you Sir, and you! +Release then the Confrer at Equity's call, +Or otherwise build treading-mills for us all! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[317]</span> Adverting to the trick recently and +successfully practised on Sir Felix O'Grady, by a juvenile adept in fraud, +obtaining from the Baronet a new suit of clothes; his servant, indignant +at his master having been thus plundered with impunity, had, for several +days, been meditating in what manner most effectually to manouvre, so as +to recover the lost property, and retrieve the honor of Munster, which he +considered tarnished by his master having been duped by a stripling; when +one morning a hand-bill was found in the area, intimating the residence in +Town, pro bono publico, of a celebrated professor of the Occult Sciences; +to whom was given the sublime art of divination, and who, by astrological +and intuitive knowledge, would discover lost or stolen property, with +infallible precision. Thady, whose credulity was of no inferior order, +elate with the idea of consummating his wishes, communicated to his master +the happy opportunity, and was permitted to seek the counsel of the +celestial augurer. Not that the Baronet entertained any belief of its +proving available of discovery, but rather with the view of introducing to +his friends, Dashall and Tallyho, a fresh source of amusement, as +connected with their diurnal investigation of Real Life in London. +</p> +<p> +Thither then, Thady repaired, and consulting the Seer, was astonished by +responses which implied the most profound knowledge of times past, +present, and to come! The simplicity of Thady had not escaped the +Astrologer's <span class="pagenum">[318]</span> notice, who, by dint of +manouvre having contrived to draw from the Munster man, unwittingly, the +requisite intelligence, merely echoed back the information thus received, +to the utter amazement of Thady, who concluded that the Doctor must have +intercourse with the Devil, and thence that he merited implicit veneration +and belief. The sage predictor having received the customary douceur, now +dismissed his credulous visitant, saying that the planets must be +propitiated, and desiring him to come again at the expiration of +twenty-four hours, when he would receive further intelligence. +</p> +<p> +Tom and his Cousin having called at the lodging of Sir Felix during the +time that Thady was out on his expedition of discovery, the Baronet +apprized his friends of the amusement in reserve; and they agreed to visit +this expounder of destinies on the servant's return. +</p> +<p> +Thady at last arrived, and having reiterated his belief that this +marvellous conjurer was the devil's own relative, the party set out to +ascertain by what means they could prove the truth of the affinity between +his infernal majesty and the sage descendant of the Magi. +</p> +<p> +Gaining the sublunary domicile of this mystical unraveller, which for the +greater facility of communication with the stars he had fixed in the +loftiest apartment of the house, our trio knocked at the door, which, +after some hesitation, was opened by an ancient Sybil, who was presently +joined by her counterpart, both “so withered and so wild in their attire,” + that “they looked not like inhabitants o' th' earth, and yet were on it.” + On the party requiring to see the Doctor, the two hags explained in a +breath that the Doctor received only one visitor at a time; and while one +gentleman went up stairs, the other two must remain below; and this +arrangement being acquiesced in, Tom and Bob were shewn into a mean +looking room on the ground floor, and Sir Felix followed the ascent of his +conductor to the attic. +</p> +<p> +Entering the presence chamber,—“Welcome, sphinx,” exclaimed the +Doctor. +</p> +<p> +“By the powers,” said the Baronet, “but you are right to a letter; the +Sphinx is a monster-man, and I, sure enough, am a Munster-man.” + </p> +<p> +“I know it.—What would'st thou, Sir Felix O'Grady?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[319]</span> The Baronet felt surprised by this +familiar recognition of his person, and replied by observing, that as the +inquirer so well knew his name, he might also be acquainted with the +nature of his business. +</p> +<p> +“I partly guess it,” rejoined the Seer, “and although I cannot absolutely +predict restitution of thy lost property, yet I foresee that accident will +throw the depredator in thy way, when the suit may perhaps find its way +back to thy wardrobe. Now, hence to thy business, and I to mine.” + </p> +<p> +The Baronet having nothing further to ask, withdrew accordingly; and our +Squire of Belville-hall was next ushered into the <i>sanctum sanctorum</i>. +</p> +<p> +Bob was at a loss what to say, not having prepared himself with any +reasonable pretext of inquiry. A silence of a few moments was the +consequence, and the Squire having first reconnoitred the person of the +conjurer, who was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his profession, +scrutinized the apartment, when the attention of the visitor and visited +being again drawn to each other, the Soothsayer addressed himself to +Tallyho in the following words: +</p> +<div class='pre'> +The shadows of joy shall the mind appal, +And the death-light dimly flit round the hall +Of him, by base lucre who led astray, +Shall age into fruitless minion betray! + +The death-light shall glimmer in Belville-hall, +And childless the lord of the mansion fall; +A wife when he weds, vain, ugly, and old, +Though charms she brings forty thousand in gold! +</div> +<p> +The Squire was not prone to anger; but that this fellow should interfere +with his private concerns, and impute to him the intention of forming a +most preposterous connexion, under the influence of avarice, roused him +into a whirlwind of passion.—“Rascal!” he exclaimed, “who take upon +you to predict the fate of others, are you aware of your own! Vagabond! +imposter! here I grasp you, nor will I quit my hold until I surrender you +into the hands of justice!” And “suiting the action to the word,” he +seized and shook the unfortunate Seer, to the manifest discomposure of his +bones, who loudly and lamentably cried out for assistance. Alarmed by the +clamour, Dashall and the Baronet rushed up stairs, to whom the Squire +stated the aggravation <span class="pagenum">[320]</span> received, and at +the same time his determination to bring the cheat to punishment. The +trembling culprit sued for mercy, conscious that he was amenable to +correction as a rogue and vagabond, and if convicted as such, would +probably be sent to expiate his offence in the Treading-Mill at Brixton, a +place of atonement for transgression, which of all others he dreaded the +most.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Union-Hall.—Hannah Totnkins, a miserable woman of the +town, was brought before R. G. Chambers, Esq. charged with +having robbed another of the unfortunate class of her +clothes. It appeared, that the prisoner had been liberated +from Brixton prison on Friday-last, after a confinement of +three weeks; and that on coming out she was met by the +complainant, Catherine Flynn, by whom she was taken to a +comfortable lodging, supplied with necessaries, and treated +with great kindness. The prisoner acted with propriety until +Monday night, during which she remained out in the streets. +On Tuesday morning, at four o'clock, she came home drenched +with rain. The complainant desired her either to go to bed, +or to light a fire and dry her clothes. The prisoner did +neither, and the complainant went to sleep. At about seven +the latter awoke, and missed her gown, petticoat, and +bonnet. The prisoner was also missing. The complainant +learned that her clothes were at a pawnbroker's shop, where +they had been left a short time before by the prisoner. +Hall, the officer, having heard of the robbery, went in +quest of the prisoner, and found her in a gin-shop in +Blackman-street, in a state of intoxication. He brought her +before the magistrates in this condition. Her hair was +hanging about her face, which was swelled and discoloured by +the hardship of the preceding night. She did not deny that +she had stolen the clothes of her poor benefactress, but she +pleaded in her excuse, that the condition of her body, from +the rain of Monday night, was such, that nothing but gin +could have saved her life, and the only way she had of +getting that medicine, was by pledging Katty Flynn's +clothes. The magistrates asked the prisoner whether she had +not got enough of the treading-mill at Brixton. The prisoner +begged for mercy's sake not to be sent to the treading-mill. +She would prefer transportation; for it was much more +honourable to go over the water, than to be sent as a rogue +and vagabond to Brixton. She was sent back to prison. It is +a remarkable fact, that since the famous Treading-Mill has +been erected at Brixton, the business of this office has +greatly declined. The mill is so constructed, that when a +man ventures to be idle in it, he receives a knock on the +head from a piece OF WOOD, which is put there to give them +notice of what they ere to do!!! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[321]</span> The two ancient Sybils from the lower +regions having now ascended the scene of confusion, united their voices +with that of the astrologer, and Dashall and Sir Felix also interceding in +his behalf, the Squire yielded to the general entreaty, and promised the +soothsayer forgiveness, on condition that he disclosed the source whence +he derived information as to the Baronet's family concerns. The soothsayer +confessed, that he had elicited intelligence from the servant, who in his +simplicity had revealed so much of his master's affairs, as to enable him +(the conjurer) to sustain his reputation even with Sir Felix himself, whom +from description he recognized on his first entrance, and by the same +means, and with equal ease, identified the person of the Squire of +Belville-hall. He added besides, that he had frequently, by similar +stratagem, acquired intelligence; that chance had more than once favoured +him, by verifying his predictions, and thus both his fame and finances had +obtained aggrandisement. He now promised to relinquish celestial for +sublunary pursuits, and depend for subsistence rather on the exercise of +honest industry than on public credulity. +</p> +<p> +Thus far had matters proceeded, when the Baronet's servant Thady was +announced. The triumvirate anticipating some extraordinary occurrence, +desired the soothsayer to resume his functions, and give the valet +immediate audience, while they retired into another apartment to wait the +result. In a few minutes the servant was dismissed, and the party +readmitted. +</p> +<p> +“Chance,” said the augurer, “has again befriended me. I told you, Sir +Felix, that the depredator would be thrown in your way: my prediction is +realized; he has been accidentally encountered by your servant, and is now +in safe custody.” + </p> +<p> +On this information our party turned homewards, first leaving the +astrologer a pecuniary stimulation to projected amendment of life. +</p> +<p> +“There seems nothing of inherent vileness,” said the Squire, as they +walked onwards, “in this man's principles; he may have been driven by +distress to his present pursuits; and I feel happy that I did not consign +the poor devil to the merciless fangs of the law, as, in the moment of +irritation, I had intended.” + </p> +<p> +“By my conscience,” exclaimed Sir Felix, “I cannot discover that he ought +to be punished at all. He has been picking up a scanty living by preying +on public credulity; and from the same source thousands in this metropolis +derive affluent incomes, and with patronage and impunity.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[322]</span> “And,” added Dashall, “in cases of +minor offence a well-timed clemency is frequently, both in policy and +humanity, preferable to relentless severity."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 As a contrast to these exemplary feelings, and in +illustration of Real Life in London, as it regards a total +absence of sympathy and gentlemanly conduct, in one of a +respectable class in society, we present our readers with +the following detail:— + +Hatton Garden. On Saturday sennight, Robert Powell was +brought before the magistrates, charged with being a rogue, +vagabond, and imposter, and obtaining money under +fraudulent pretences, from one Thomas Barnes, a footman in +the service of Surgeon Blair, of Great Russell-street, +Bloomsbury, and taking from him 2s. 6d. under pretence of +telling him the destinies of a female fellow-servant, by +means of his skill in astrological divina-tion. The nature +of the offence, and the pious frond by which the disciple of +Zoroaster was caught in the midst of his sorceries, were +briefly as follow:—This descendant of the Magi, born to +illumine the world by promulgating the will of the stars, +had of course no wish to conceal his residence; on the +contrary, he resolved to announce his qualification in the +form of a printed handbill, and to distribute the manifesto +for the information of the world. One of these bills was +dropped down the area of Mr. Blair's house; it was found by +his footman, and laid on the breakfast-table, with the +newspaper of the morning, as a morceau of novelty, for his +amusement. Mr. Blair concerted with some of the agents of +the Society for the Suppression of Vice, a stratagem to +entrap the Sidéral Professor; in the furtherance of which he +dictated to his footman a letter to the Seer, expressive of +a wish to know the future destinies of his fellow-servant, +the cook-maid, and what sort of a husband the constellations +had, in their benign influence, assigned her. With this +letter the footman set out for No. 5, Sutton-street, Soho, +where he found the Seer had, for the convenience of prompt +intercourse, chosen his habitation as near the stars as the +roof of the mansion would admit. Here the footman announced +the object of his embassy, delivered his credentials, and +was told by the Seer, that “lie could certainly give him an +answer now, 'by word of mouth,' but if he would call next +day, he should be better prepared, as, in the meantime, he +could consult the stars, and have for him a written answer.” + The footman retired, and returned next morning, received the +written response, gave to the Seer the usual donation of 2s. +6d. previously marked, which sum he figured upon the answer, +and the receipt of which the unsuspecting Sage acknowledged +by his signature. With this proof of his diligence, he +returned to his master, and was further to state the matter +to the magistrates. A vigilant officer was therefore sent +after the prophet, whom he found absorbed in profound +cogitation, casting the nativities of two plump damsels, +and consulting the dispositions of the stars as to the +disposition of the lasses; but the unrelenting officer +entered, and proceeded to fulfil his mission. On searching +the unfortunate Sage, the identical half-crown paid him by +Barnes was found, with two others in his pocket, where such +coins had long been strangers; and the cabalistical chattels +of his profession accompanied him as the lawful spoil of the +captor. The magistrate, before whom he had been convicted on +a former occasion of a similar offence, observed that it was +highly reprehensible for a man who possessed abilities, +which by honest exertion might procure him a creditable +livelihood, thus to degrade himself by a life of imposture +and fraud upon the ignorant and unwary. The wretched +prisoner, who stood motionless and self-convicted, exhibited +a picture of wretchedness from whicli the genius of +Praxiteles would not have disdained to sketch the statue of +Ill Luck. Never did soothsayer seem less a favourite of the +Fates! Aged, tall, meagre, ragged, filthy and care-worn, his +squalid looks depicted want and sorrow. Every line of his +countenance seemed a furrow of grief; and his eyes gushing +with tears, in faint and trembling accents he addressed the +Court. He acknowledged the truth of the charge, but said, +that nothing but the miseries of a wretched family could +have driven him to such a line of life. If he had been able, +he would gladly have swept the streets; but he was too +feeble so to do; he had tried every thing in his power, but +in vain,— + +“He could not dig, to beg he was ashamed;” + +and even if begging, either by private solicitation or +openly in the streets, could promise him a casual resource +in the charity of the passing crowd, he was afraid he should +thereby incur prosecution as a rogue and vagabond, and be +imprisoned in Bridewell. Parish settlement he has none; and +what was to be done for a wretched wife and three famishing +children? He had no choice between famine, theft, or +imposture. His miserable wife, he feared, was even now +roaming and raving through the streets, her disorder +aggravated by his misfortunes; and his wretched children +without raiment or food. To him death would be a welcome +relief from a life of misery, tolerable only in the hope of +being able to afford, by some means, a wretched subsistence +to his family. + +The magistrates, obviously affected by this scene, said that +they felt themselves obliged to commit the prisoner, as he +had not only been repeatedly warned of the consequences of +his way of life, but was once before convicted of a similar +offence. He was therefore committed for trial. + +Does Surgeon Blair, who obtains his twenty guineas a day, +and lives in affluence, think by such conduct as the present +to merit the esteem of the world, by thus hunting into the +toils of justice such miserable objects? If he does, though +we cannot respect him or his associates for their humanity, +we may undoubtedly pity them for their ignorance and +superstition. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[324]</span> On the arrival of the party at the +lodgings of Sir Felix, they learned from the servant, that the latter +having met the young swindler in the streets, Thady recognized and secured +him; and he was now at the disposal of the Baronet, if he chose to proceed +against him. +</p> +<p> +The sprig of iniquity, when made forthcoming, did not deny the accuracy of +the charge, neither did he offer any thing in exculpation. It was with +much difficulty, however, and under the threat of his being immediately +surrendered to justice, that he would disclose the name of his father, who +proved to be a respectable tradesman residing in the neighbourhood. The +unfortunate parent was sent for, and his son's situation made known to +him. The afflicted man earnestly beseeched, that his son might not be +prosecuted; he was not aware, he said, that the lad was habitually +vicious; this probably was his only deviation from honesty; he, the +father, would make every reparation required; but exposure would entail +upon his family irretrievable ruin. It was elicited from the boy, amid +tears and sobs of apparent contrition, that the articles of apparel were +in pledge for a small sum; redemption, and every other possible atonement, +was instantly proposed by the father: Sir Felix hesitated, was he +justifiable, he asked, in yielding to his own wishes, by foregoing +prosecution?—“The attribute of mercy,” said Dashall, “is still in +your power.”—“Then,” responded the Baronet, “I shall avail myself of +the privilege. Sir, (to the father), your boy is at liberty!” The now +relieved parent expressed, in the most energetic manner, his gratitude, +and retired. The prediction of the Seer was fully verified, for in the +course of the evening the stray suit found its way back to the wardrobe of +its rightful owner. +</p> +<p> +This business happily concluded, and the day not much beyond its meridian, +the three friends again sallied forth in the direction of Bond-street, +towards Piccadilly. As usual, the loungers were superabundant, and +ridiculous. Paired together, and swerving continually from the direct +line, it required some skilful manouvring to pass them. Our friends had +surmounted several such impediments, when a new obstruction to their +progress presented itself. A party of Exquisites had linked themselves +together, and occupied the entire pavement, so that it was impossible to +precede them without getting into the carriage-way, thus greatly +obstructing and inconveniencing all other passengers. Lounging at a +funeral pace, and leaving not the smallest opening, it was evident that +<span class="pagenum">[325]</span> these effeminate animals had purposely +united themselves for public annoyance. Sir Felix, irritated by this +palpable outrage on decorum, stepped forward, with hasty determined +stride, and coming unexpectedly and irresistibly in contact, broke at once +the concatenated barrier, to the great amusement as well as accommodation +of the lookers-on, and total discomfiture of the Exquisites, who observing +the resolute mien and robust form of their assailant, not forgetting a +formidable piece of timber, alias “sprig of shillaleagh,” which he bore in +his hand, prudently consulted their safety, and forebore resentment of the +interruption.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 If in walking the streets of London, the passenger kept +the right hand side, it would prevent the frequent +recurrence of much jostling and confusion. The laws of the +road are observed on the carriage-way in the metropolis most +minutely, else the street would be in a continual blockade. +But + +The laws of the road are a paradox quite, +That puzzles the marvelling throng; +For if on the left, you are yet on the right, +And if you are right, you are wrong! +</div> +<p> +The Baronet's two associates very much approved of his spirited +interference, and Dashall observed, that these insignificant beings, whom +Sir Felix had so properly reproved, were to be seen, thus incommoding the +public, in all parts of the metropolis; but more particularly westward; +that in crowded streets, however, for instance, in the direct line from +Charing Cross to the Royal Exchange, the apparent Exquisites are generally +thieves and pickpockets, who find a harvest in this extensive scene of +business, by artful depredation, either upon the unwary tradesman, or +equally unsuspecting passenger, whose wiper or tattler, and sometimes +both, becomes the frequent produce of their active ingenuity. +</p> +<p> +The morning had been wet, and although the flag-way was dry, yet the +carriage-road was dirty. There are, in all parts of the metropolis, +indigent objects of both sexes, who by sweeping the cross-way, pick up an +eleemosynary livelihood. It not unfrequently happens, however, that a +chariot, or other vehicle, is drawn up at one end of the cross-way +directly athwart it, so as completely to intercept your way to the +pavement. Exactly so situated were our pedestrians. They had availed +themselves of a newly swept path, and were advancing towards the opposite +side, <span class="pagenum">[326]</span>in Piccadilly, when, before they +could effect their purpose, a carriage drew up, and effectually impeded +further progress by the cross-way, so that there seemed no alternative +between standing fast and gaining the pavement by walking through the mud. +The coachman retained his position despite of remonstrance, and in this +laudable stubbornness he was encouraged by a well-attired female inside +the vehicle, for the carriage was a private one, and its ill-mannered +inmate probably a lady of rank and fashion. Sir Felix, justly indignant at +this treatment, set danger and inconvenience at defiance, and deliberately +walking to the horses' heads, led the animals forward until the carriage +had cleared the cross-way, maugre the threats of the lady, and the whip of +the coachman, who had the audacity to attempt exercising it on the person +of the Baronet, when Tallyho, dreading the consequences to the rash +assailant, sprang upon the box, and arresting his hand, saved the honour +of Munster! The transaction did not occupy above two minutes, yet a number +of people had collected, and vehemently applauded Sir Felix; and the +lady's companion now hastily re-entering the chariot from an adjacent +shop, Mr. Jehu drove off rapidly, amidst the hoots and hisses of the +multitude.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Sir Felix had not heard of the following incident, else he +certainly would have followed its example:— + +Two ladies of distinction stopped in a carriage at a +jeweller's near Charing-cross; one of them only got out, and +the coach stood across the path-way which some gentlemen +wanted to cross to the other side, and desired the coachman +to move on a little; the fellow was surly, and refused; the +gentlemen remonstrated, but in vain. During the altercation, +the lady came to the shop door, and foolishly ordered the +coachman not to stir from his place. On this, one of the +gentlemen opened the coach-door, and with boots and spurs +stepped through the carriage. He was followed by his +companions, to the extreme discomposure of the lady within, +as well as the lady without. To complete the jest, a party +of sailors coming up, observed, that, “If this was a +thoroughfare, they had as much right to it as the gemmen;” + and accordingly scrambled through the carriage. +</div> +<p> +The poor street-sweeper having applied to Sir Felix for a mite of +benevolence,—“And is it for letting the carriage block up the +cross-way, and forcing me through the mud,” asked the Baronet;—” but +whether or not, I have not got any halfpence about me, so that I must pay +you when I come again.”—“Ah! your honour,” exclaimed the man, “it is +unknown the credit I give in this way.” Sir Felix thrust his hand into his +pocket, and rewarded the applicant with a tester. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[327]</span> Proceeding along Piccadilly, our party +were followed by a Newfoundland dog, which circumstance attracted the +notice of the Baronet, to whom more than to either of his associates the +animal seemed to attach itself. Pleased with its attention, Sir Felix +caressed it, and when the triumvirate entered a neighbouring coffee-house, +the dog was permitted to accompany them. Scarcely had the three friends +seated themselves, when a man of decent appearance came into the room, +and, without ceremony, accused the Baronet of having, by surreptitious +means, obtained possession of his property; in other words, of having +inveigled away his dog; and demanding instant restitution. +</p> +<p> +Sir Felix fired at the accusation, divested as it was of the shadow of +truth, yet unsuspicious of design, would have instantly relinquished his +canine acquaintance, but for the interposition of Dashall, who suspected +this intrusive personage to be neither more nor less than a dog-stealer, +of whom there are many in London continually on the alert for booty. These +fellows pick up all stray dogs, carry them home, and detain them until +such time as they are advertised, and a commensurate reward is offered by +the respective owners. If, then, the dog is intrinsically of no value, and +consequently unsaleable, the adept in this species of depredation, finding +he can do no better, takes the dog home, receives the promised reward, and +generally an additional gratuity in compensation of keep and trouble; but, +should it so happen, that the proffered remuneration is not equivalent to +the worth of the animal, the conscientious professor of knavery carries +his goods to a more lucrative market. At the instance of Dashall, +therefore, Sir Felix was determined to retain the animal until the +claimant brought irrefragable proof of ownership. The fellow blustered,—the +Baronet was immovable in his resolution;—when the other threw off +all disguise, and exhibiting himself in pristine blackguardism, inundated +Sir Felix with a torrent of abuse; who disdaining any minor notice of his +scurrility, seized the fellow, with one hand by the cape of his coat, with +the other by the waistband of his breeches, and bearing him to the door, +as he would any other noxious animal, fairly pitched him head foremost +into the street, to the manifest surprise and dismay of the passengers, to +whom he told a “pitiable tale,” when one of the crowd pronounced him to be +a notorious dog-stealer, and the fellow, immediately on this recognition, +made a precipitate retreat. <span class="pagenum">[328]</span> “I am +glad,” said Dashall to his friends, who had witnessed the result of this +affair from one of the windows of the coffee-room, “that our canine +acquaintance (patting the animal at the same time) is now clearly +exonerated from any participation of knavery. I had my suspicions that he +was a well-disciplined associate in iniquity, taught to follow any person +whom his pretended owner might point at, as a fit object of prey.” + </p> +<p> +The Baronet and the Squire, particularly the latter, had heard much of the +“Frauds of London,” but neither of them was aware that metropolitan +roguery was carried on and accelerated through the medium of canine +agency. +</p> +<p> +In confirmation of this fact, however, Dashall mentioned two +circumstances, both of which had occurred within these few years back, the +one of a man who, in different parts of the suburbs, used to secrete +himself behind a hedge, and when a lady came in view, his dog would go +forth to rob her; the reticule was the object of plunder, which the dog +seldom failed to get possession of, when he would instantly carry the +spoil to his master. The other case was that of a person who had trained +his dog to depredations in Whitechapel-market. This sly thief would +reconnoitre the butcher's stalls, particularly on a Saturday night amidst +the hurry of business, and carry off whatever piece of meat was most +conveniently tangible, and take it home with all possible caution and +celerity. We have heard of their answering questions, playing cards, and +casting accompts,—in fact, their instinctive sagacity has frequently +the appearance of reasoning faculties; they even now are competent to +extraordinary performances, and what further wonders the ingenuity of man +may teach them to accomplish, remains hereafter to be ascertained.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The following anecdote is particularly illustrative of +canine sagacity. It shews that the dog is sensible of +unmerited injury, and will revenge it accordingly; it +exhibits the dog also, as a reflective animal, and proves +that, though he has not the gift of speech, he is yet +endowed with the power of making himself understood by his +own species. Some years ago, the traveller of a mercantile +house in London, journeying into Cornwall, was followed by +his favourite dog, to Exeter; where the traveller left him, +in charge of the landlord of the Inn, until his return. The +animal was placed in an inner yard, which, for sometime +back, had been in the sole occupation of the house-dog; and +the latter, considering the new comer an intruder, did not +fail to give the poor stranger many biting taunts +accordingly. Deserted, scorned, insulted and ill-treated, +the poor animal availed himself of the first opportunity, +and escaped. The landlord scoured the country in quest of +the fugitive, without effect. After the lapse of a few days, +the traveller's dog returned to the Inn, accompanied by two +others, and the triumvirate entering the yard, proceeded to +execute summary vengeance on the house-dog, and drove him +howling from his territories. The two dogs were from +London,— + +“Their locket letter'd braw-brass collars, +Shew'd they were gentlemen and scholars.” + +Hence it appears, that the traveller's dog went to London, +told his grievance to his two friends, and brought them to +Exeter to avenge his cause! +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[329]</span> Emerging from the coffee-house, +companied by their newly acquired canine friend, our observers proceeded +along Piccadilly, when reaching its extremity, and turning into the Park +by Constitution-hill, they were met by the servant, Thady. +</p> +<p> +“Your honour,” said the valet, “haven't I been after soaking you, here and +there, and every where, and no where at all, at all, vrid this letter, bad +luck to it, becays of the trouble it may give you; and indeed I was sent +after your honour by Miss Macgilligan;—there's ill luck at home, +your honour.” + </p> +<p> +“Then I shall not make any haste,” said Sir Felix, “to meet such a guest.” + </p> +<p> +He then read aloud the ominous epistle:— +</p> +<p> +“My dear Nephew.—A vexatious affair has occurred.—I shall be +glad to see you, as soon as possible.—J. M.” + </p> +<p> +“Perhaps you can oblige us with the history,” said the Baronet, “of this +same 'vexatious affair;' but observe me, let it be an abridgement,—Miss +Macgilligan will favour us with it in detail.” + </p> +<p> +“Why then, your honour,” said the valet, “you had not gone out many +minutes, when there came a <i>rit-tat</i> to the door, and a gintail +good-looking gentleman inquired for Mr. A——a. Begging your +pardon, says I, if it is my master vou mane, he does not belong to the +family of the Misters at all; his name is Sir Felix O'Grady, of the +province of Munster, Baronet, and I am his valet; long life and good luck +to both of us!” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[330]</span> “This is rather a tedious +commencement,” observed Sir Felix to his marvelling associates,—“but +I believe we must let the fellow tell the story in his own way.—Well, +Tliady, what next?” + </p> +<p> +“So, your Honour, he inquired whether he could spaak wid you, and I told +him that it was rather doubtful, becays you were not at home; but, says I, +Miss Judy Macgilligan, his Honour's reverend aunt, is now in her +dressing-room, and no doubt will be proud in the honour of your +acquaintance.” + </p> +<p> +“My 'reverend aunt' certainly ought to feel herself very much obliged to +you.—Well, Sir!” + </p> +<p> +“And so, your Honour, the maid went for instructions, and Miss Macgilligan +desired that the gentleman should be shewn into the drawing-room, until +she could make her appearance. Well, then, after waiting some little time, +he rings the bell, with the assurance of a man of quality, just as if he +had been at home. So up stairs I goes, and meets him in the hall. 'Pray,' +says he, 'have the goodness to present my best respects to the lady; I +will not obtrude upon her at present, but shall call again tomorrow,' and +away he walked; and that's all, your Honour.” “That's all! What am I to +understand then by the 'vexatious affair' my aunt speaks of?” + </p> +<p> +“O,” exclaimed Thady, recollecting himself,—“may be she manes her +gold watch, which the gentleman discovered in the drawing-room, and +carried away in his pocket, by mistake!” + </p> +<p> +“Very well, Sir,” said the Baronet; “now that we have «orne to the finis, +you may go home.” + </p> +<p> +It is evident the gentleman had availed himself of the Baronet's absence +from home, and that the information derived from the communicative valet +encouraged the hope of success which he so adroitly realized. +</p> +<p> +Dashall and his Cousin were about sympathizing with the Baronet on this +new misfortune, when he gave vent to bis feelings by an immoderate fit of +laughter!—“Miss Macgilligan has had the benefit of a practical +lesson,” he exclaimed, “which she cannot fail to remember;—her +vanity would not permit her seeing the stranger until the frivolities of +the toilet were adjusted, and thus he made the most of a golden +opportunity.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[331]</span> The three friends now retraced their +steps along Piccadilly, until they arrived at the residence of Dashall, +when they separated; the Baronet to condole with Miss Macgilligan, and the +two Cousins to dress, preparatory to their dining with an eminent merchant +in the city. +</p> +<p> +Leaving then, for the present, Sir Felix and his aunt to their own family +cogitations, we shall accompany the Hon. Tom Dashall and the Squire of +Belville-hall on their civic expedition. +</p> +<p> +The wealthy citizen at whose table they were now entertained, rose, like +many others, the children of industry, from comparative indigence to +affluence, and from obscurity to eminence. +</p> +<p> +The party was select; the dinner was sumptuous, yet unostentatious; and +the conversation, if not exactly in the first class of refinement, was to +the two strangers interestingly instructive, as embracing topics of +mercantile pursuit with which they had hitherto been unacquainted. It was +also highly enlivened by the sprightly sallies of three beautiful and +elegantly accomplished young ladies, the daughters of the amiable host and +hostess; and to these fair magnets of attraction, whom Dashall happily +denominated the Graces, our gallant cavaliers were particularly assiduous +in their attentions. The party broke up, after an evening of reciprocal +enjoyment; and Dashall on the way home expressed his belief that, with the +solitary exception of one colossal instance of ignorance and brutality, +“the very respectable man” in society is most generally to be found among +the merchants of London.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 “The very respectable. Man” is the true representative of +the commercial character of Great Britain. He possesses more +information than the Dutch trader, and more refinement than +the Scotch manufacturer, with all the business +qualifications of either. He is shrewd, industrious, manly, +and independent; and as he is too much in earnest for the +slightest affectation, he shews his character in his dress, +his carriage, and his general appearance. His dress is at +once plain and neat; and if his coat should accidentally +exhibit the cut of a more genteel manufacturer, the +interstice between his boot (he wears top boots) and small +clothes, the fashion of his cravat, which is rolled round a +stiffner two inches in diameter, and tied in a bow, besides +a variety of other more minute characteristics, decidedly +refute all suspicion of an attempt at attaining the +appearance of a man of fashion. The end of a Spitalfields +silk-handkerchief just appearing from the pocket hole at the +top of his skirt, shews at once his regard for good things +and native manufactures; while the dignity of his tread +declares his consciousness of his own importance, the +importance of “a very respectable man,” and to attribute it +to any other than such an “honest pride,” would be +derogatory to his reputation and feelings. If he meets a +business acquaintance of an higher rank than his own, his +respectful yet unembarrassed salutation at once sufficiently +expresses the disparity of their two conditions, and his +consciousness of the respectability of his own, while the +respectfully condescending notice of the Peer exhibits the +reversed flow of the same feelings. The very respect-able +man is always accurately acquainted with the hackney coach +fares to the different parts of London, and any attempt at +imposition on the part of the coachman is sure to be +detected and punished. He is never to be caught walking to +the Bank on a public holiday; and the wind must have shifted +very fast indeed, if it should happen to be in the north, +when he believes it to be in the south. The state of the +stocks is familiar to him; and as he watches their +fluctuations with an attentive eye, their history, for weeks +or even for months, is often in his memory. The very +respectable man is always employed, but never in a hurry; +and he perhaps is never better pleased than when he meets a +congenial friend, who interrupts the current of business by +the introduction of a mutual discussion of some important +failure: Mr. Such-a-one's rapid acquirement of fortune,—the +rise or fall of the funds, &c,—of all which the causes or +consequences are importantly whispered or significantly +prophesied. At home the government of the very respectable +man's family is arbitrary, but the governor is not a tyrant; +his wife has not, like the woman of fashion, any distinct +rights, but she enjoys extensive indulgencies; she has +power, but it flows from him, and though she is a +responsible, she is not a discretional, agent. The table is +to correspond with the moderation of the master, and the +matron will be scolded or reproved as it varies from the +proper medium between meanness and profusion. + +The very respectable man is never less in his element than +when he is in the centre of his wife's parties, for here he +must resign the reins into her hands, and, alas! there is no +such character as the very respectable woman. All our women +would be women of fashion; and in dress and expense, in the +numbers of their card tables, and the splendour of their +parties, in every thing but manners, they are. Here, at his +own fireside, the very respectable man may be considered as +not at home till a rubber, a genial rubber, which is +provided him as soon as possible, renders him blind to the +folly and deaf to the clamour of the scene. The very +respect-able man shews to least advantage as a politician; +as his opinions are derived less from reading than +experience, they are apt to be dogmatical and contracted. In +political philosophy he is too frequently half a century +behind his age; is still in the habit of considering specie +as wealth, and talks loudly of the commercial benefits of +the late war. Such is the “very respectable man,” a +character decidedly inferior to that of many individuals in +the class of society immediately above him; but which, +considered as the character of a class, appears to be +superior at once to that above and that below it—on a +comparison with that above too, it more than makes up in the +mass of its virtues for the deficiency in their quality, and +appears to be like Solon's laws, if not the very best that +might be, at least the best of which the state of society +admits. In the lower orders, the social character is in its +mineral state; in the higher, the fineness of the gold is +prejudicial to its durability. In the “very respectable man +“it is found mixed with some portion of alloy, but in +greater quantity, and adapted to all the uses and purposes +for which it is designed. As a civil member of society, if +his theoretical politics are defective, the advantages +derived to society from his industry and integrity, more +than counterbalance those defects in his theory. As a +religious member of society, if his religion might be more +refined, if his attendance at church is considered rather as +a parochial than a spiritual duty, and his appearance in his +own pew is at least as much regarded as his devotions there; +the regularity of his attendance, the harmony of his +principles and practice, his exemplary manner of filling his +different relations, more than make up for the inferiority +in the tone of his religion. The commercial and religious +capital of society are, in short, continually advancing by +his exertions, though they don't advance so fast as they +otherwise would if those exertions were directed by more +intellect. +</div> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0010"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXIV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“Vainly bountiful nature shall fill up Life's measure, +If we're not to enjoyment awake; +Churls that cautiously filtrate and analyze pleasure, +Deserve not the little they take. + +I hate all those pleasures where angling and squaring. +And fitting and cutting by rules, +And ——- me—dear me, I beg pardon for swearing, +All that follow such fashions are fools. + +For let who may be undone, +I say Life in London, +Of pleasure's the prop and the staff, +That sets ev'ry muscle +In a comical bustle +And tickles one into a laugh.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[334]</span> The long protracted visit to Vauxhall +being at length finally arranged, our party soon found themselves in the +midst of this gay and fascinating scene of amusement. +</p> +<p> +“These charming gardens,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “which you may +perhaps have some recollection of upon a masquerade occasion, having +lately fallen into new hands, have assumed, under their direction and +management, a new appearance of additional splendour and magnificence +perhaps scarcely ever surpassed, and the present proprietors appear to +have studied the comfort and gratification of their visitors as well as +their own advantage; but of this we shall be better judges before the +night is spent.” + </p> +<p> +“Right,” replied Sparkle, “I am not fond of far fetched descriptions, +which may upon investigation prove to have originated more in the +imagination of the author than in reality to exist.” + </p> +<p> +“At all events,” continued Tom, “the Gardens themselves are beautiful and +extensive, and contain a variety of walks, which, if but tastefully +illuminated, and attended by rank, fashion, and beauty, can never fail to +be attractive.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[335]</span> Our heroes rushed forward to the +splendid scene of enchantment, which had drawn forth the previous +observations, mingling with the crowds of well dressed persons, who like +themselves were upon the alert to witness this delightful place of summer +amusement in the new form which it has recently assumed: the virandas +tastefully festooned with painted canvass—the brilliantly +illuminated orchestra, and the animated countenances of the company, +conspired to produce an effect almost inconceivable, while new objects of +delight were continually bursting upon their view. The illuminated +colonade newly decorated with carved and painted flowers, fruit, and +foliage, and Mr. Singleton's original whole length transparent portrait of +his Majesty in his coronation robes, alternately attracted attention, as +well as the four cosmoramas constructed in various parts of the gardens, +consisting of some very pretty views of the New Exchange at Paris, scenes +in Switzerland, &c. In the musical department, Sparkle was much +pleased to find some of the old favourites, particularly Mr. Charles +Taylor and Mrs. Bland, as well as with the performance of a Miss Graddon, +who possesses a rich voice, with considerable power and flexibility, and +of Madame Georgina, an East Indian Lady, who afterwards sung very +charmingly in the Rotunda, accompanying herself on the piano forte, in a +style which proved her to be a most skilful performer. +</p> +<p> +But the grand subject of their admiration was what is rather affectedly +called “The Heptaplasiesoptron,” or fancy reflective proscenium, which is +placed in the long room fronting the orchestra of the Rotunda. It is +entirely lined with looking glass, and has in all probability originated +in the curious effect produced by the kaleidoscope, and the looking glass +curtains lately exhibited at our theatres. This splendid exhibition is +fitted up with ornamented draperies, and presents a fountain of real water +illuminated, revolving pillars, palm trees, serpents, foliage, and +variegated lamps; and the mirrors are so placed as to reflect each object +seven times. This novelty appeared to excite universal admiration, +inspiring the company with ideas of refreshing coolness. The bubbling of +water, the waving of the foliage, and the seven times reflected effulgence +of the lamps, gave the whole an appearance of enchantment, which sets all +description at defiance. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[336]</span> Having taken a complete circle through +this round of delights, interrupted only by the congratulations and +inquiries of friends, the appointed hour for exhibiting the fire-works +arrived, when they were additionally gratified by a display of the most +splendid description, and the famous ascent <i>a la Saqui</i> was +admirably executed by Longuemarc; after witnessing which, they quickly +retired to a box, where they gave directions for supper. It is but justice +to say, that upon this being furnished, they found the refreshments to be +of the best quality, and supplied upon moderate terms; the wines by the +London Wine Company, and the viands by Mr. Wayte. +</p> +<p> +About two o'clock in the morning, our friends took their departure from +this romantic spot, after an excursion fraught with pleasure and delight. +</p> +<p> +On the following morning, Sparkle received a letter from Merrywell, with +information of the death of his uncle, and of his succession to the +estate, having arrived just in time to prevent his decease without a will. +This was a subject of exultation to all the party, though to none more so +than Sparkle, particularly as the estate alluded to was situated in the +neighbourhood of his own residence. +</p> +<p> +“Merrywell,” said Dashall, “will become a gay fellow now, as he will have +ample means, as well as inclination (which I know he has never been +wanting of) to sport his figure in good style, without resorting to any +scheme to keep the game alive.” + </p> +<p> +“True,” said Sparkle, “without crossing and jostling, and if he has his +own good in view, he will reside chiefly in the country, choose an amiable +partner for life, and only pay a visit to the metropolis occasionally; for +to live in this land of temptations, where you can hardly step across the +way without getting into error, must be baneful in effect to a young man +like him, of an ardent mind. What say you, friend Tallyho?” + </p> +<p> +“I confess,” replied Bob, “that I entertain thoughts very similar to +yours; besides, I apprehend that our old friend Merrywell has had +sufficient experience himself to admit the justice of your observation.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[337]</span> “Pshaw,” rejoined Dashall, “you are +getting completely unfashionable. What can be more bang up than a Life in +London—high life and low life—shake the castor, tip the flash, +and nibble the blunt. Look for instance at young Lord Lappit—cares +for nothing—all blood and spirit—fire and tow—up to +every thing, and down as a hammer.” + </p> +<p> +“His is a general case,” replied Sparkle, “and is only one among numerous +others, to prove that many of the disorders which are daily visible in +high life, may be traced to the education, or rather the want of education +of the youthful nobility and gentry. It would be a shocking and +insupportable degradation to send a sprig of fashion to school among +common boys, where probably he might learn something really useful. No, +no,—he must have a private tutor, who is previously instructed to +teach him nothing more than what will enable him to pass muster, as not +quite a fool. Under this guidance, he skims over a few authors almost +without reading, and at all events without knowing what they have written, +merely with a view to acquaint him that there were once such persons in +existence; after which, this tutor accompanies him to one of the public +schools, Westminster, Harrow, or Eton, where the tutor writes his thesis, +translates the classics, and makes verses for him, as well as he is able. +In the new situation, the scholar picks up more of the frailties of the +living, than he does of the instructions of departed characters. The +family connections and the power of purse, with which the students are +aided, embolden them to assume an unbounded license, and to set at +complete defiance all sober rules and regulations; and it may be justly +remarked that our public seminaries are admirably situated for the +indulgence of their propensities: for instance, Westminster School is +fortunately situated in the immediate neighbourhood of a famous place of +instruction called Tothill (vulgarly Tuttle) Fields, where every species +of refined lewdness and debauchery, and manners the most depraved, are +constantly exhibited; consequently they enjoy the great advantages of +learning the slang language, and of hearing prime chaunts, rum glees, and +kiddy catches, in the purest and most bang up style. He has likewise a +fine opportunity of contracting an unalterable penchant for the frail +sisterhood, blue ruin, milling, cock fighting, bull and badger baiting, +donkey racing, drinking, swearing, swaggering, and other refined +amusements, so necessary to form the character of an accomplished +gentleman.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[338]</span> “Again, Harrow School is happily so +near to the metropolis, as to afford frequent opportunities for occasional +visits to similar scenes of contagion and fashionable dissipation, that +the scholars do not fail to seek advantages of taking lessons in all those +delectable sciences. +</p> +<p> +“Eton, it is true, is somewhat farther removed from the nursery of +improvement, but it is near enough to Windsor, of which place it is not +necessary to say much, for their Bacchanalian and Cyprian orgies, and +other fashionable festivities, are well known. So that notwithstanding +they are not in the immediate vicinity of the metropolis, there can +scarcely be a doubt of their being able to sport their figures to +advantage, whenever they are let loose upon society. +</p> +<p> +“Cambridge is but a short distance from that place of sporting notoriety, +Newmarket, consequently it is next to impossible but that a youth of an +aspiring mind should be up to all the manouvres of a race course—understanding +betting, hedging off, crossing and jostling, sweating and training—know +all the jockeys—how to give or take the odds—lay it on thick, +and come it strong. Some have an unconquerable ambition to distinguish +themselves as a whip, sport their tits in tip top style, and become +proficients in buckish and sporting slang—to pitch it rum, and +astonish the natives—up to the gab of the cad. They take upon +themselves the dress and manners of the Varment Club, yet noted for the +appearance of their prads, and the dexterity with which they can manage +the ribbons, and, like Goldfinch, pride themselves on driving the long +coaches—'mount the box, tip coachee a crown, dash along at full +speed, rattle down the gateway, take care of your heads—never kill'd +but one woman and a child in all my life—that's your sort.'” + </p> +<p> +“Fine pictures of a University Education,” said Tom, “but Sparkle always +was a good delineator of real character; and there is one thing to be +said, he has been an eye witness of the facts, nay a partaker of the +sports.” + </p> +<p> +“True,” continued Sparkle, “and, like many others, have had something like +enjoyment in them too.” + </p> +<p> +“Aye, aye, no doubt of that,” said Bob, dryly,—“but how does it +happen that you have omitted Oxford altogether?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[339]</span> “Nay,” said Sparkle, “there is not much +difference in any of them. The students hate all learning but that which +they acquire in the brothel, the ring, or the stable. +</p> +<p> +They spend their terms somehow or other in or near the University, and +their vacations at Jackson's Rooms in London; so that they know nothing +more of mathematics than sufficient to calculate odds and chances. This, +however, depends upon the wealth of the parties; for notwithstanding there +are some excellent statutes by which they ought to be guided, a nobleman +or wealthy commoner is indulged according to his titles or riches, without +any regard to the rules and regulations in such cases made and provided. +</p> +<p> +“From this situation they are at length let loose, thoroughly accomplished +in every thing but what they ought to know. Some make their appearance as +exquisites or dandies—a sort of indescribable being, if being such +things may be called. Others take the example of the bang ups—make +themselves perfect in milling, swearing, greeking, talking flash, and mail +coach driving, until John Doe and Richard Roe drive them into Abbot's +preserve, a circumstance which puts a temporary check upon the sports—though +if the Collegian is but up to the logic, he is very soon down upon the +coves his creditors,{1} bowls them out by harassing expenses, and walks +out himself, up to snuff, and fly.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Bowls them out by harassing expenses.—A proof of the +power which has been exercised under the existing Insolvent +Debtor's Act, will be found in the following extract from a +daily paper:— + +An unfortunate debtor was opposed in the Insolvent Debtors' +Court, for having resisted particular creditors with +vexatious law proceedings, sham pleas, &c. The public is not +generally aware of the extent to which such vexatious +resistance can be carried. In the investigations that have +taken place before a Committee of the House of Commons, on +the subject of insolvent debtors, Mr. Thomas Clarke, (at the +time clerk of the Court,) stated, that in a debtor's book he +found a paper, 'wherein it was pointed out to debtors how to +harass creditors.' He had heard, he said, that it was sold +from one prisoner to another, in a printed form, for 6d. +each. That witness then delivered to the committee a book, +from which the following extract was read,—it is extracted +from the Parliamentary Report:— + +?Law proceedings.—When arrested and held to bail, and after +being served with a declaration, you may plead a general +issue, which brings you to trial the sooner of any plea that +you can put in; but if you want to vex your plaintiff, put +in a special plea; and, if in custody, get your attorney to +plead in your name, which will cost you 1L. 1s., your +plaintiff, 31L. as expenses. If you do not mean to try the +cause, you have no occasion to do so until your plaintiff +gets judgment against you; he must, in the term after you +put in a special plea, send what is termed the paper book, +which you must return with 7s. 6d. otherwise you will not +put him to half the expenses. When he proceeds, and has +received a final judgment against you, get your attorney to +search the office appointed for that purpose in the Temple, +and when he finds that judgment is actually signed, he must +give notice to the plaintiff's attorney to attend the master +to tax his costs, at which time your attorney must have a +writ of error ready, and give it to the plaintiffs attorney +before the master, which puts him to a very great expense, +as he will have the same charges to go over again. The writ +of error will cost you 4L. 4s. If you want to be further +troublesome to your plaintiffs, make your writ of error +returnable in Parliament, which costs you 8L. 8s. and your +plaintiff 100/. Should he have the courage to follow you +through all your proceedings, then file a bill in the +Exchequer, which will cost about 5L. or 6L.; and if he +answers it, it will cost him 80L. more. After this you may +file a bill in Chancery, which will cost about 10L.; and if +he does not answer this bill, you will get an injunction, +and at the same time an attachment from the court against +him, and may take his body for contempt of court, in not +answering your last bill. You may file your bill in the +Court of Chancery, instead of the Exchequer, only the latter +costs you the least. If you are at any time served with a +copy of a writ, take no further notice of it than by keeping +it; when you are declared against, do not fail to put in a +special plea immediately, and most likely you will hear no +more of the business, as your plaintiff will probably not +like to incur any further expense, after having been at so +much.' + +Thus a creditor may be put to an expense of three hundred +and fourteen pounds, by a debtor, for the small cost of 30L. +10s. and all because the laws allowed him to sue for his +own; and if he and his attorney do not keep a sharp look +out, the creditor may get committed for 'contempt of court.' +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[341]</span> “I perceive,” said Tom, “that your +imagination is flying away from your subject; though I admit the justice +of your remarks, as generally applicable to what is termed the higher +ranks of society, and that they are imitated or aped in succession to +those of the lower orders; but we appear to have imperceptibly got into a +long descriptive conversation, instead of pursuing our usual plan of +drawing inferences from actual observation. Let us forth and walk awhile.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, “I see you wish to change the subject: +however, I doubt not there will be a time when you will think more +seriously, and act more usefully.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +“Upon my life you are growing sentimental.” + “Never mind,” said Bob, “keep your spirits up.” + +“The world's a good thing, oh how sweet and delicious +The bliss and delight it contains; +Devil a pleasure but fortune crams into our dishes, +Except a few torments and pains. + +Then wine's a good thing, the dear drink's so inviting, +Where each toper each care sweetly drowns; +Where our friends we so cherish, so love and delight in, +Except when we're cracking their crowns.” + </div> +<p> +By the time Bob had concluded his verse, they were on the move, and taking +their direction through St. James's-street, turning the corner of which,—“there,” + said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “that is the celebrated Lord Shampetre, of +whose name and character you have before heard.” + </p> +<p> +“Indeed,” said Bob. “Well, I must say, that if I met him in the street, I +should have supposed him to be an old clothesman.” + </p> +<p> +“Hush,” said Sparkle, “don't be too severe in your observations, for I +have been given to understand his Lordship has expressed his indignation +upon a former occasion at such a comparison; though I must acknowledge it +is not altogether an unjust one; and if exalted, I beg pardon, I mean +popular characters, will force themselves into public notice by their +follies, their vices or their eccentricities, they can have no right to +complain.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[342]</span> “And pray,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, +“where is one to be found who has made himself more conspicuous than the +one in question, and especially by a very recent occurrence. The +fashionable world is full of the subject of his amatory epistles to the +sister of a celebrated actress,{1} and her very 'commodious mother;' but I +dare say +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 To elucidate the subject here alluded to, we cannot do +better than give insertion to the following police report:— + +PERFIDY AND PROFLIGACY OF A PEER! + +Bow Street.—An application was lately made for a warrant to +apprehend Miss B., the sister of a celebrated actress, for +stealing some chimney ornaments and China cups and saucers. +The application was made by the mother of the accused, in +consequence of her having eloped, and with a view to reclaim +her before her ruin should be consummated. The warrant was +granted, and in a short time the fair delinquent was led in, +resting on the arm of a Mr. B., well known in the +fashionable circles. Mr. C. a solicitor, appeared with the +mother, and the property found by the officer; the mother +identified it, and stated, that she should be happy to +forego the charge, on her daughter consenting to return to +her home. The magistrate then called on the accused for her +defence, when she asserted that the articles were her own, +purchased with money given to her by her friends. In +corroboration, she called the servant, who spoke to a +conversation, in which Mrs. B. blamed her daughter for +spending her money so foolishly; and declared that the +things were always considered to belong to the daughter, and +were given up without the slightest objection when she +applied for them in the name of Miss B. This statement +produced a desultory conversation, which was terminated by +the solicitor remarking, that the principal object, the +return of Miss B., had been lost sight of. Mr. B. then said, +he had paid for the education and every charge of Miss B. +for the last two years. He challenged inquiry into his +conduct, which would be found to have arisen from the most +honourable feelings, when he should prove that Miss B. had +sought his protection from the persecution of Lord P., who +had been sanctioned in his dishonourable overtures by her +mother. When personal insult had been used, she fled to him; +he hired lodgings and a trusty servant for her. A number of +Lord P.'s letters were then read, which abounded in vicious +ideas, obscenities, and gross figures sketched with the pen. +Miss B., then in tears, stated, that she had been shut up +with Lord P. with her mother's knowledge, when indecent +attacks were made by him upon her on a sofa; and that her +mother urged her to become his mistress, saying she should +have an allowance of 500L. a-year. The mother strongly +denied these assertions, and, after the magistrate had +animadverted on the alleged disgraceful conduct of the +mother, if true, the affair was settled by Miss B. (only +16,) being put under the care of a female friend, agreeable +to both parties, Mr. B. to pay all the expenses. + +Having thus given an account of the affair, as related in +most of the daily papers, we think it right to add the +following by way of elucidation. + +The young lady is Miss B—rt—l—zzi, daughter of a late +cele-brated engraver of that name, and younger sister of an +actress on the boards of Old Drury, who has obtained great +notoriety for a pretty face, a roving eye, a fine set of +teeth, a mellow voice, and an excessive penchant for +appearing before the public in breeches—Macheath and Don +Giovanni to wit. 'Mr. B.,' the gentleman under whose +protection she is living, or rather was living, is a +gentleman of large West India possessions, who some time ago +immortalized himself in a duel about a worthless woman, with +Lord C—If—d, in which duel he had the honour of sending +his lordship to his account with all his 'imperfections on +his head.' The third party, 'Lord P.,' is a nobleman, whose +chief points are a queer-shaped hat, long shirt sleeves, +exquisitely starched, very white gloves, a very low +cabriolet, and a Lord George Gordon-ish affectation of +beard. We do not know that he is distinguished for any thing +else. For the fourth party—the young lady's mamma, she is,— +what she is; a rather elderly personage, remarkably +commodious, very discreet, 'and all that sort of thing.' +We could not help admiring her commodiousness when she +accompanied Lord P. and her daughter to Drury-lane Theatre, +the last time the King was there. It was almost equal to his +Lordship's assiduity, and the young lady's <i>ennui</i>. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[343]</span> his Lordship is displeased with no part +of the eclat, except the quiz that his liberal offer of £500. would be +about £25. per annum, or 9s. 7d. a week—a cheap purchase of a young +lady's honour, and therefore a good bargain.” + </p> +<p> +“I believe,” continued Sparkle, “there is little about him, either as to +person or to character, which entitles him to occupy more of our time, +which may be better devoted to more agreeable and deserving subjects.” + </p> +<p> +“Apropos,” said Dashall, taking Sparkle at his word, “do you observe a +person on the other side of the way with a blue nose and a green coat, cut +in the true jockey style, so as to render it difficult to ascertain +whether he is a gentleman or a gentleman's groom? That is Mr. Spankalong, +who has a most unconquerable attachment to grooms, coachmen, and stable +assistants; whose language and manners it is one of the principal studies +of his life to imitate. He prides himself on being a good driver of four +in hand, and tickling the tits along the road in a mail carriage, is the +<i>ne plus ultra</i> of his ambition. He will take a journey of an hundred +miles out of town, merely to meet and drive up a mail coach, paying for +his own passage, and feeing the coachmen for their permission. Disguised +in a huge white coat, with innumerable capes and mother o'pearl buttons, +he seats himself on the box—Elbows square, wrists pliant—all +right—Hayait—away they go. He takes his glass of gin and +bitters on the <span class="pagenum">[344]</span> road—opens the +door for the passengers to get in—with 'now my masters—you +please;' and seems quite as much at home as Mr. Matthews at the Lyceum, +with 'all that sort of thing, and every thing in the world.' He is, +however, not singular in his taste, for many of our hereditary statesmen +are to be found among this class, save and except that he carries his +imitations to a farther extent than any person I ever knew; and it is a +fact, that he had one of his fore teeth punched out, in order to enable +the noble aspirant to give the true coachman's whistle, and to spit in a +Jehu-like manner, so as to project the saliva from his lips, clear of the +cattle and traces, into the hedge on the near side of the road.” + </p> +<p> +“Accomplishments that are truly deserving the best considerations of a +noble mind,” rejoined Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“And absolutely necessary to the finished gentleman of the present day, of +course,” continued Sparkle; “and as I have not had a lounge in these +Corinthian regions for some little time, I am glad to be thus furnished +with a key to characters that may be new to me.” + </p> +<p> +“There is one on the opposite side of the way not altogether new, as he +has made some noise in the world during his time—I mean the +gentleman whose features exhibit so much of the rouge—it is the +celebrated Sir George Skippington, formerly well known in Fop's Alley, and +at the Opera; not so much on account of his elegant person, lively wit, or +polished address, as for his gallantries, and an extraordinary affectation +of dress, approaching very nearly to the ridiculous, the chief part of his +reputation being derived from wearing a pea-green coat, and pink silk +stockings: he has, however, since that time become a dramatic writer, or +at least a manufacturer of pantomime and shew; and—ah, but see—speaking +of writers—here we have a Hook, from which is suspended a certain +scandalous Journal, well known for its dastardly attacks upon private +character, and whose nominal conductors are at this moment in durance +vile; but a certain affair in the fashionable way of defaulting, has +brought him down a peg or two. His ingenuity has been displayed on a +variety of occasions, and under varying circumstances. His theatrical +attempts have been successful, and at Harrow he was called the Green Man, +in consequence of his affected singularity of wearing a complete suit of +clothes of that colour. He appears to act at all times upon the favourite +recommendation of Young Rapid, 'keep moving;' for he is always in motion, +in consequence of which it is said, that Lord Byron wittily remarked, 'he +certainly was not the Green Man and Still.'”{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The Green Man and Still in the well known sign of a +pubic-house in Oxford Road. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[345]</span> “Why,” cried Bob, “there seems to be as +little of still life about him just now, as there is about Hookey Walker. +But pray who is that dingy gentleman who passed us within the last minute, +and who appeared to be an object of attraction to some persons on the +opposite side—he appears to have been cut out for a tailor.” + </p> +<p> +“That,” replied Tom, “is a Baronet and cornuto, who married the handsome +daughter of a great Marquis. She, however, turned out a complete +termagant, who one day, in the heat of her rage, d———d +her rib for a sneaking puppy, dashed a cup of coffee in his face, and +immediately after flew for protection to a Noble Lord, who entertained a +penchant for her. This, however, proved to be a bad speculation on her +part; and having seriously reflected on the consequences of such conduct, +she made her appearance again at her husband's door a few nights +afterwards, and in the spirit of contrition sought forgiveness, under a +promise of never transgressing any more, little doubting but her claim to +admission would be allowed. Here, however, it seems she had reckoned +without her host,—for the Baronet differing in opinion, would not +listen to her proposition: her entreaties and promises were urged in vain, +and the deserted though still <i>cara sposa</i>, has kept the portals of +his door, as well as the avenues to his heart, completely closed to her +since.” + </p> +<p> +At this moment they were interrupted by the approach of a gaily dressed +young man, who seizing Dashall by the hand, and giving him a hearty shake, +exclaimed,— +</p> +<p> +“Ha, my dear fellow, what Dashall, and as I live, Mr. Sparkle, you are +there too, are you: d———me, what's the scent—up to +any thing—going any where—or any thing to do—eh—d———me.” + </p> +<p> +“Quite <i>ad libitum</i>,” replied Dashall, “happy to see Gayfield well +and in prime twig,—allow me to introduce my Cousin, Robert Tallyho, +Esq.” + </p> +<p> +“You do me proud, my dear fellow. Any thing new—can't live without +novelty—who's up, who's down—what's the wonder of the day—how +does the world wag—where is the haven of destination, and how do you +weather the point.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[346]</span> “Zounds,” replied Tom, “you ask more +questions in a breath than we three can answer in an hour.” + </p> +<p> +“Never mind—don't want you to answer; but at all events must have +something to say—hate idleness either in speech or action—hate +talking in the streets, can't bear staring at like a new monument or a +statue. Talking of statues—I have it—good thought, go see +Achilles, the ladies man—eh! what say you. D———me, +made of cannons and other combustibles—Waterloo to wit—Come +along, quite a bore to stand still—yea or nay, can't wait.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, twitching Dashall by the arm, “it is +quite new since my departure from town; “and joining arms, they proceeded +towards the Park. +</p> +<p> +“Been out of town,” continued Gayfield,—“thought so—lost you +all at once—glad you have not lost yourself. Any thing new in the +country—always inquire—can't live without novelty—go to +see every thing and every body, every where. Nothing new in the papers—Irish +distresses old, but very distressing for a time: how the devil can you +live in the country—can't imagine.” + </p> +<p> +“And I apprehend,” replied Sparkle, “it will be of little use to explain; +for a gentleman of so much information as yourself must know every thing.” + </p> +<p> +“Good, but severe—never mind, I never trouble my head with other +people's thoughts—always think for myself, let others do as they +like. Hate inquisitive people, don't choose to satisfy all inquirers. +Never ask questions of any one, don't expect answers. Have you seen the +celebrated ventriloquist, Alexandre,—the Egyptian Tomb,—the———” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle could hold no longer: the vanity and egotism of this everlasting +prater, this rambler from subject to subject, without manner, method, or +even thought, was too much; and he could not resist the temptation to +laugh, in which he was joined by Tom and Bob. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[347]</span> “What is the matter,” inquired +Gayfield, unconscious of being the cause of their risibility. “I see +nothing to laugh at, d———me, but I do love laughing, so +I'll enjoy a little with you at all events; “and immediately he became a +participator in their mirth, to the inexpressible delight of his +companions; “but,” continued he, “I see nothing to laugh at, and it is +beneath the character of a philosopher to laugh at any thing.” + </p> +<p> +“Never mind,” said Dashall, “we are not of that description—and we +sometimes laugh at nothing, which I apprehend is the case in the present +instance.” + </p> +<p> +“I perfectly agree with the observation,” rejoined Sparkle; “it is a case +in point, and very well pointed too.” + </p> +<p> +“Nothing could be better timed,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“What than a horse laugh in the public streets! D———d +vulgar really—-quite <i>outre</i>, as we say. No, no, you ought to +consider where you are, what company you are in, and never laugh without a +good motive—what is the use of laughing.” + </p> +<p> +“A philosopher,” said Tom Dashall, “need scarcely ask such a question. The +superiority of his mind ought to furnish a sufficient answer.” + </p> +<p> +“Then I perceive you are not communicative, and I always like to be +informed; but never mind, here we shall have something to entertain us.” + </p> +<p> +“And at least,” said Sparkle, “that is better than nothing.” + </p> +<p> +The observation, however, was lost upon the incorrigible fribble, who +produced his snuff-box, and took a pinch, with an air that discovered the +diamond ring upon his finger—pulled up his shirt collar—and at +the same time forced down his waistcoat; conceiving no doubt that by such +means he increased his consequence, which however was wholly lost upon his +companions. +</p> +<p> +“And this,” said Sparkle, “is the so much talked of statue of Achilles—The +Wellington Trophy—it is placed in a very conspicuous situation, +however—and what says the pedestal— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +TO ARTHUR DUKE OF WELLINGTON, +AND HIS BRAVE COMPANIONS IN ARMS, +THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES, +CAST FROM CANNON +TAKEN IN THE VICTORIES OF +SALAMANCA, VITTORIA, TOULOUSE, AND WATERLOO +IS INSCRIBED +BY THEIR COUNTRYWOMEN. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[348]</span> “Beautiful,” said Gayfield—“Elegant—superb.” + “Bold,” said Dashall, “but not very delicate.” “A naked figure, truly,” + continued Bob, “in a situation visited by the first circles of rank and +fashion, is not to be considered as one of the greatest proofs either of +modesty or propriety; but perhaps these ideas, as in many other instances, +are exploded, or they are differently understood to what they were +originally. A mantle might have been thought of by the ladies, if not the +artist.” + </p> +<p> +“For my part,” said Sparkle, “I see but little in it to admire.” + </p> +<p> +During this conversation, Gayfield was dancing round the figure with his +quizzing glass in his hand, examining it at all points, and appearing to +be highly amused and delighted. +</p> +<p> +“It affords opportunities for a variety of observations,” said Dashall, +“and, like many other things, may perhaps be a nine days wonder. The +public prints have been occupied upon the subject for a few days, and I +know of but one but what condemns it upon some ground or other."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 In all probability the following remarks will be +sufficient to make our readers acquainted with this so much +talked of statue:— + +Kensington Gardens and the Park.—From three to seven +o'clock on Sunday, the gardens were literally crowded to an +over-How with the <i>élite</i> of the fashionable world. The +infinite variety of shape and colour displayed in the female +costume, the loveliness and dignity of multitudes of the +fair wearers, and the serene brilliancy of the day, +altogether surpassed any thing we have hitherto witnessed +there. + +There was nothing on the drive in the Park except carriages +and horsemen, dashing along to the gardens; and as to the +?Wellington promenade,' it was altogether neglected. Whether +it was that the 'naked majesty' of Achilles frightened the +people away, or whether the place and its accompaniments +were too garish for such weather, we know not, but certainly +it seemed to be avoided most cautiously; with the exception +of some two or three dozen Sunday-strollers, yawning upon +the Anglo-Greco-Pimlico-hightopoltical statue above +mentioned. It was curious enough to hear the remarks made by +some of these good folks upon this giant exotic—this Greek +prototype of British prowess. 'Well, I declare!' said a +blooming young Miss, as she endeavoured to scan its brawny +proportions, 'Well, I declare! did ever any body see the +like!'—'Come along, Martha, love,' rejoined her scarlet- +faced mamma; 'Come along, I say!—I wonder they pulled the +tarpoling off before the trowsers were ready.' 'What a +great green monster of a man it is,' exclaimed a meagre +elderly lady, with a strong northern accent, to a tall bony +red-whiskered man, who seemed to be her husband—'Do na ye +think 'twad a looked mair dedicate in a kilt?' 'Whist!' +replied the man; and, without uttering another syllable, he +turned upon his heel and dragged the wonder-ing matron away. +?La, ma, is that the Dook O' Vellunton vat stand up there +in the sunshine?' 'Hold your tongue, Miss—little girls must +not ask questions about them sort of things.' 'Be th' +powers!' said one of three sturdy young fellows, as they +walked round till they got to sunward of it.' Be th' powers, +but he's a jewel of a fellow; ounly its not quite dacent to +be straddling up there without a shirt—is it Dennis?' +?Gad's blood man!' replied Dennis, rather angrily, 'Gad's +blood man! dacency's quite out of the question in matters o' +this kind, ye see.' ''Faith, and what do they call it?' +asked the other. 'Is it—what do they call it?' re-joined +Dennis, who seemed to consider himself a bit of a wag—'Why +they mane to call it the Ladies' Fancy, to be sure!' and +away they all went, 'laughing like so many horses,' as the +German said, who had heard talk of a horse-laugh. Some of +the spectators compared the shield to a parasol without a +handle; others to a pot-lid; and one a sedate-looking old +woman, observing the tarpawling still covering the legs and +lower part of the thighs, remarked to her companion, that +she supposed they had been uncovering it by degrees, in +order to use the people to the sight gradually. In short, +poor Achilles evidently caused more surprise than +admiration, and no small portion of ridicule. But then this +was among the vulgar. No doubt the fashionable patronesses +of the thing may view it with other eyes. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[349]</span> On their return from the Park, our +party looked in at Tattersal's, where it proved to be settling day. +Dashall and his Cousin had previously made a trip to Ascot Races, to enjoy +a day's sport, and were so fortunate as to let in a knowing one for a +considerable sum, by taking the long odds against a favourite horse. They +therefore expected now to toutch the blunt, and thus realize the maxim of +the poet, by “uniting profit and delight in one.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link4image-0003"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page349.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page349 Ascot Races "><br> +</div> +<p> +“Yonder,” says Dashall, pointing out to his Cousin a very stout man, “is +H. R. H.; he is said to have been a considerable winner, both at the late, +as well as Epsom races; but the whole has since vanished at play, with +heavy additions, and the black legs are now enjoying a rich harvest. The +consequences have been, not only the sale of the fine estate of O—t—ds +by the hammer, but even the family plate and personal property have been +knocked down to the highest bidders, at Robbins's Rooms.” + </p> +<p> +“I should have expected,” replied Bob, “that so much fatal experience, +which is said to make even fools wise, would have taught a useful lesson, +and restrained this gambling propensity, however violent.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[350]</span> “Psha, man,” continued his Cousin, “you +are a novice indeed to suppose any thing of the kind. No one uninitiated +in these mysteries, can form an idea of the inextricable labyrinth, or the +powerful spell which binds the votaries of play; and unfortunately this +fatal passion seems to pervade in an unusual degree our present nobility: +indeed it may be said there are comparatively but few of the great +families who are not either reduced to actual poverty, or approximating +towards it, in consequence of the inordinate indulgence of this vice.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +THE WELLINGTON TROPHY; or, LADIES' MAN{1} + +Air—'Oh, the Sight entrancing.' +Oh, the sight entrancing, +To see Achilles dancing,{2} +Without a shirt +Or Highland skirt,{3} +“Where ladies' eyes are glancing: + +1 We are told that this gigantic statue is a most +astonishing work of art, cast from the celebrated statue of +Achilles, on the Quirinal Hill; and the inscription on it +informs us, that the erection of it was paid for by the +ladies of England, to commemorate the manly energy of the +Duke of Wellington and his brave companions in arms. To +call it, therefore, the 'Ladies' Man,' is merely out of +compliment to such as patronised the undertaking; and here +we wish it to be particularly understood that we do not +sanction the word naked as a correct term (although that +term is universally applied to it), inasmuch as this statue +is not naked, the modest artist having, at the suggestion of +these modest ladies, taken the precaution of giving Achilles +a covering, similar to that which Adam and Eve wore on their +expulsion from Eden. + +2 The attitude of the statue is so questionable as to have +already raised many opposite hypotheses as to what it is +really intended to represent. Mr. Ex-Sheriff Parkins has, +with very laudable ingenuity and classical taste, +discovered that the figure is nothing more nor less than a +syce, or running groom; just such a one, the worthy ex- +sheriff adds, as used to accompany him in India, when +engaged in a hunting party, and who, when he grew tired, +used to lay hold of the ex-sheriff's horse's tail, in order +to keep up with his master. The author of the Travestie, +however, has hit upon another solution of the attitude, +still more novel, and equally probable, namely, that of +dancing, for which he expects to gain no inconsiderable +share of popularity. + +3 Without a shirt or Highland skirt!—It is really +entertaining to see what a refinement of criticism has been +displayed upon the defects of this incomparable statue. Some +have abused the hero for being shirtless, and said it was an +abomination to think that a statue in a state of nudity +(much larger than life, too!) should be stuck up in Hyde +Park, where every lady's eye must glance, however repugnant +it might be to their ideas of modesty. But did not the +ladies themselves order and pay for the said statue? Is it +not an emblem of their own pure taste? Then, as for +putting on Achilles a kelt or short petticoat (called by the +poet a Highland skirt), oh, shocking I it is not only +unclassical, but it would have destroyed the effect of the +thing altogether. To be sure, it would not be the first time +that Achilles wore a petticoat, for, if we are rightly +informed, his mother, Thetis, disguised him in female +apparel, and hid him among the maidens at the court of +Lycomedes, iu order to prevent his going to the siege of +Troy; but that wicked wag, Ulysses, calling on the said +maidens to pay his respects, discovered Mister Achilles +among them, and made him join his regiment. + +Each widow's heart is throbbing, +Each married lady sobbing, +While little miss +Would fain a kiss +Be from Achilles robbing!' +Then, oh, the sight entrancing, +To see Achilles dancing, +Without a shirt +Or Highland skirt, +Where ladies' eyes are glancing. + +Oh, 'tis not helm or feather, +Or breeches made of leather, +That gave delight, +By day or night, +Or draw fair crowds together.{2} +Let those wear clothes who need e'm; +Adorn but max with freedom,{3} +Then, light or dark, +They'll range the Park, +And follow where you lead 'em. +For, oh, the sight's entrancing, +To see Achilles dancing, +Without a shirt +Or Highland skirt, +Where ladies' eyes are glancing. +</div> +<div class='pre'> +1 If we could only insert one hundredth part of what has +been said by widows, wives, and maids on this interesting +subject during the present week, we are quite sure our +readers would acquit us of having overcharged the picture, +or even faintly delineated it. + +2 We certainly must differ with the author here: in our +humble opinion, helmets, feathers, leather breeches, &c. +have a wonderful effect in drawing crowds of the fair sex +together—at a grand review, for instance. + +3 This line, it is hoped, will be understood literally. The +words are T. Moore's, and breathe the spirit of liberty—not +licentiousness. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[352]</span> Having succeeded in their object, +Dashall and his Cousin pursued their course homeward; and thus terminated +another day spent in the developement of Real Life in the British +Metropolis. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +But still the muse beseeches +If this epistle reaches +Achilles bold, +In winter cold, +That he would wear his breeches:{1} +For though in sultry weather, +He needs not cloth nor leather, +Yet frosts may mar +What's safe in war,{2] +And ruin all together. + +But still the sight's entrancing, +To see Achilles dancing +Without a shirt +Or Highland skirt, +Where ladies' eyes are glancing. + +1 The last verse must be allowed to be truly considerate, +nay, kind—that the ladies will be equally kind and +considerate to poor Achilles as the poet is, must be the +wish of every one who has witnessed the perilous situation +in which he is placed. + +2 Achilles was a great favourite with the ladies from his +very birth. He was a fine strapping boy; and his mother was +so proud of him, that she readily encountered the danger of +being drowned in the river Styx herself, that she might dip +her darling in it, and thereby render him invulnerable. +Accordingly, every part of the hero was safe, except his +heel by which his mother held him amidst the heat of +battle; and, like his renowned antitype, the immortal Duke +of Wellington, he was never wounded. But, at length, when +Achilles was in the Temple, treating about his marriage with +Philoxena, daughter of Priam, the brother of Hector let fly +an arrow at his vulnerable heel, and did his business in a +twinkling. +</div> +<p> +We cannot quit this subject without paying a compliment to the virtues of +the Court. We understand there has not been one royal carriage seen in the +Park since the erection of the statue; and if report speaks true, the +Marchioness of C——-m's delicacy is so shocked, that she +intends to quit Hamilton Place, which is close by, as early as a more +modest site can be chosen! +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0011"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Lack a day! what a gay +What a wonderful great town! +In each street, thousands meet, +All parading up and down. +Crossing—jostling—strutting—running, +Hither—thither—going—coming; +Hurry—scurry—pushing—driving, +Ever something new contriving. +Oh! what a place, what a strange London Town, +On every side, both far and wide, we hear of its renown. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[353]</span> Escorting to the ever-varying promenade +of fashion, the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin Bob, whose long protracted +investigation of Life in London was now drawing to a close, proceeded this +morning to amuse themselves with another lounge in Bond-street: this +arcadia of dignified equality was thronged, the carriage-way with dashing +equipages, and the pave with exquisite pedestrians. Here was one rouged +and whiskered; there another in petticoats and stays, while his sister, +like an Amazon, shewed her nether garments half way to the knee. Then +“passed smiling by” a Corinthian bear, in an upper benjamin and a Jolliffe +shallow. A noted milliner shone in a richer pelisse than the Countess, +whom the day before she had cheated out of the lace which adorned it. The +gentleman with the day-rule, in new buckskins and boots, and mounted on a +thorough-bred horse, quizzed his retaining creditor, as he trotted along +with dusty shoes and coat; the “lady of easy virtue” stared her keeper's +wife and daughter out of countenance. The man milliner's shop-boy, <i>en +passant</i>, jogged the duke's elbow; and the dandy pickpocket lisped and +minced his words quite as well as my lord. +</p> +<p> +Tom pointed out some of the more dashing exhibitants; and Bob inquiring +the name of a fine woman, rather <i>en bon point</i>, with a French face, +who was mounted on a chesnut hunter, and whom he had never before seen in +the haunts <span class="pagenum">[354]</span> of fashion—“That +lady,” said he, “goes by the name of <i>Speculator</i>; her real name is +Mademoiselle Leverd, of the Theatre Français at Paris: she arrived in this +country a month since, to “have an opportunity of displaying her superior +talents; though it is whispered that the object of her journey was not +altogether in the pursuit of her profession, but for the purpose of making +an important conquest.” + </p> +<p> +“And who is that charming woman,” continued Bob, “in the curricle next to +L———d F———?” + </p> +<p> +“That,” returned Tom, “is Mrs. Orbery Hunter. The beautiful man next you, +is the “commercial dandy,” or as Lord G——l styles him, Apollo; +and his Lordship is a veracious man, on which account R——— +calls G——— his lyre.” + </p> +<p> +“Ah, do you see that dashing fellow in the Scotch cloak, attended by a lad +with his arm in a sling? That is the famous Sir W. M———,who +doubles his income by gambling speculations; and that's one of his decoys, +to entrap young country squires of fortune to dine with him, and be +fleeced. In return, he is to marry him (on condition of receiving £100. +for every thousand) to an heiress, the daughter of his country banker.” + </p> +<p> +“Why, all the first whips in the female world are abroad to-day. There is +the flower of green Erin, Lady Foley. See with what style she fingers the +ribbans. Equally dexterous at the use of whip and tongue; woe to the wight +who incurs the lash of either. +</p> +<p> +“That reverend divine in the span new dennet and the Jolliffe shallow, who +squares his elbows so knowingly, as he rubs on his bit of blood, is Parson +A———. He is the proprietor of the temple of gaming +iniquity, at No. 6, Pall Mall. He is a natural son of Lord B———re, +by whom he was brought up, liberally educated, and presented with church +preferments of considerable value. He married, in early life, the +celebrated singer, Miss M—h—n, whom he abandoned, with his +infant family. This lady found a protector for herself and children in the +person of the Rev. Mr. P———s, and having since obtained +a divorce from her former husband, has been married to him. The parson +boasts of his numerous amours, and, a few years since, took the benefit of +the act. Before he ventured upon the splendid speculations at the Gothic +Hall, with F———r T———n, Mr. Charles S———, +and Lord D———, he used to frequent the most notorious g———g +houses, <span class="pagenum">[355]</span> occasionally picking up a half +crown as the pigeons were knocked down by the more wealthy players. But, +chousing his colleagues out of their shares, and getting the Gothic Hall +into his own hands, he has become the great man you see, and may truly be +called by the title of autocrat of all the Greeks. +</p> +<p> +“And who,” inquired Bob, “is that gay careless young fellow in the +Stanhope, who sits so easy while his horse plunges?” + </p> +<p> +“That,” replied Tom, “is the Hon. and Rev. Fitz S———, +with the best heart, best hand, and the best leg in Bond-street. He is +really one of the most fascinating men in polished society, and withal, +the best judge of a horse at Tattersalls, of a dennet at Long Acre, or a +segar in Maiden Lane.” + </p> +<p> +“You need not tell me who that is on the roan horse, with red whiskers and +florid complexion. (The Earl of Y———, of course). Madame +B. tells a curious story of him and a filly belonging to Prince Paul. His +Lordship had a great desire to ride the said filly, and sent Madam B. to +know the terms. 'Well!' said his Lordship, when she returned—'Fifty +pounds,' she replied.—'Hem!' said his lordship, 'I will wait till +next year, and can have her for five-and-twenty.'” + </p> +<p> +“By this hand, another female equestrian <i>de figure</i>.' That tall +young woman on the chesnut, is Lady Jane P———, sister of +Lord U———. They say, that she has manifested certain +pawnbroking inclinations, and has shewn a partiality in partnership at +Almack's, to the golden balls. “That fine young woman, leaning out of the +carriage window, whose glossy ringlets are of the true golden colour, so +much admired by the dandies of old Rome, is his Lordship's wife. He's not +with her. But you know he shot Honey at Cumberland Gate, when he was two +hundred miles off, and therefore he may be in the carriage, though he's +away. +</p> +<p> +“The person in the shabby brown coat is the Duke of Argyle. The pair of +horses that draw his carriage is the only job that Argyle ever +condescended to engage in.” + </p> +<p> +“And who is that fat ruddy gentleman, in the plain green coat, and the +groom in grey?” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[356]</span> “What, you're not up to the change of +colour? That's our old friend the Duke again, and the grey livery augurs, +(if I mistake not), a visit to Berkeley square. His R——— +H——— must take good care, or that bit of blood will be +seized while standing at the door of the Circe, as his carriage was the +other day, by the unceremonious nabman. But that's nothing to what used to +occur to the Marquis of W———. They say, that if he +deposited a broach, a ring, or a watch upon his table, a hand and arm, +like that of a genius in a fairy tale, was seen to introduce itself <i>bon-gre, +mal-gre</i>, through the casement, and instantly they became 'scarce.'” + </p> +<p> +“But I have heard,” said Bob, “of a fashionable nabman asking the Duke the +time, and politely claiming the watch as soon as it was visible.” + </p> +<p> +The most prominent characters of the lounge had now disappeared, and Tom +and Bob pursuing their course, found themselves in a few minutes in Covent +Garden, from whence, nothing occurring of notice, they directed their +steps towards Bow-street, with the view of deriving amusement from the +proceedings of justice in the principal office on the establishment of the +metropolitan police, and in this anticipation they were not +disappointed.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 More Life in St. Giles's.—Mr. Daniel Sullivan, of +Tottenham Court Road, green-grocer, fruiterer, coal and +potatoe merchant, salt lish and Irish pork-monger, was +brought before the magistrate on a peace-warrant, issued at +the suit of his wife, Mrs. Mary Sullivan. Mrs. Sullivan is +an Englishwoman, who married Mr. Sullivan for love, and has +been “blessed with many children by him.” But +notwithstanding she appeared before the magistrate with her +face all scratched and bruised, from the eyes downward to +the tip of her chin; all which scratches and bruises, she +said, were the handy-work of her husband. + +The unfortunate Mary, it appeared, married Mr. Sullivau +about seven years ago; at which time he was as polite a +young Irishman as ever handled a potatoe on this side the +Channel; he had every thing snug and comfortable about him, +and his purse and his person, taken together, were +“ondeniable.” She herself was a young woman genteely brought +up—abounding in friends and acquaintance, and silk gowns, +with three good bonnets always in use, and black velvet +shoes to correspond. Welcome wherever she went, whether to +dinner, tea, or supper, and made much of by every body. St. +Giles' bells rang merrily at their wedding—a fine fat leg +of mutton and capers, plenty of pickled salmon, three ample +dishes of salt fish and potatoes, with pies, pudding and +porter of the best, were set forth for the bridal supper; +all the most “considerablest” families in Dyott Street and +Church Lane, were invited, and every thing promised a world +of happiness—and for five long years they were happy. She +loved, as Lord Byron would say, “she loved and was beloved; +she adored and she was worshipped;” but Mr. Sullivau was too +much like the hero of the Lordship's tale—his affections +could not “hold the bent,” and the sixth year had scarcely +commenced, when poor Mary discovered that she had “outlived +his liking.” From that time to the present he had treated +her continually with the greatest cruelty; and, at last, +when by this means he had reduced her from a comely young +person to a mere handful of a poor creature, he beat her, +and turned her out of doors. + +This was Mrs. Sullivan's story; and she told it with such +pathos, that all who heard it pitied her, except her +husband. + +It was now Mr. Sullivan's turn to speak. Whilst his wife was +speaking, he had stood with his back towards her, his arms +folded across his breast to keep down his choler; biting his +lips and staring at the blank wall; but the moment she had +ceased, he abruptly turned round, and, curiously enough, +asked the magistrate whether Mistress Sullivau had done +spaking. + +“She has,” replied his worship; “but suppose you ask her +whether she has any thing more to say.” + +“I shall, Sir!” exclaimed the angry Mr. Sullivan. “Mistress +Sullivan, had you any more of it to say '!” + +Mrs. Sullivan raised her eyes to the ceiling, clasped her +hands together, and was silent. + +“Very well, then,” he continued, “will I get lave to spake, +your Honour?” + +His Honour nodded permission, and Mr. Sullivan immediately +began a defence, to which it is impossible to do justice; so +exuberantly did he suit the action to the word, and the +word to the action. “Och! your Honour, there is something +the matter with me!” he began; at the same time putting two +of his fingers perpendicularly over his forehead, to +intimate that Mrs. Sullivan played him false. He then went +into a long story about a “Misther Burke,” who lodged in his +house, and had taken the liberty of assisting him in his +conjugal duties, “without any lave from him at all at all.” + It was one night in partickler, he said, that he went to bed +betimes in the little back parlour, quite entirely sick with +the head-ache. Misther Burke was out from home, and when the +shop was shut up, Mrs. Sullivan went out too; but he didn't +much care for that, ounly he thought she might as well have +staid at home, and so he couldn't go to sleep for thinking +of it. “Well, at one o'clock in the morning,” he continued, +lower-ing his voice into a sort of loud whisper; “at one +o'clock in the morn-ing Misther Burke lets himself in with +the key that he had, and goes up to bed—and I thought +nothing at all; but presently I hears something come tap, +tap, tap, at the street door. The minute after comes down +Misther Burke, and opens the door, and sure it was Mary— +Mistress Sullivan that is, more's the pity—and devil a bit +she came to see after me at all in the little back parlour, +but up stairs she goes after Misther Burke. Och! says 1, but +there's some-thing the matter with me this night! and I got +up with the night-cap o' th' head of me, and went into the +shop to see for a knife, but I couldn't get one by no manes. +So I creeps up stairs, step by step, step by step,” (here +Mr. Sullivan walked on tiptoe all across the office, to show +the magistrate how quietly he went up the stairs), “and when +I gets to the top I sees 'em, by the gash (gas) coming +through the chink in the window curtains; I sees 'em, and +?Och, Mistress Sullivan!' says he: and 'Och, Misther Burke,' +says she:—and och! botheration, says I to myself, and what +shall I do now?” We cannot follow Mr. Sullivan any farther +in the detail of his melancholy affair; it is sufficient +that he saw enough to convince him that he was dishonoured: +that, by some accident or other, he disturbed the guilty +pair, whereupon Mrs. Sullivan crept under Mr. Burke's bed, +to hide herself; that Mr. Sullivan rushed into the room, and +dragged her from under the bed, by her “wicked leg;” and +that he felt about the round table in the corner, where Mr. +Burke kept his bread and cheese, in the hope of finding a +knife. + +“And what would you have done with it, if you had found it?” + asked his worship. + +“Is it what I would have done with it, your honour asks?” + exclaimed Mr. Sullivan, almost choked with rage—“Is it what +I would have done with it?—ounly that I'd have digged it +into the heart of 'em at the same time!” As he said this, he +threw himself into an attitude of wild desperation, and made +a tremendous lunge, as if in the very act of slaughter. + +To make short of a long story, he did not find the knife; +Mr. Burke barricadoed himself in his room, and Mr. Sullivan +turned his wife out of doors. + +The magistrate ordered him to find bail to keep the peace +towards his wife and all the King's subjects, and told him, +that if his wife was indeed what he had represented her to +be, he must seek some less violent mode of separation than +the knife. + +There not being any other case of interest, Tom and Bob left +the office, not, however, without a feeling of commiseration +for Mr. Sullivan, whose frail rib and her companion in +iniquity, now that the tables were turned against them by +the injured husband's “plain unvarnished tale,” experienced +a due share of reprobation from the auditory. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[558]</span> Pursuing their course homeward through +St. James'-square: “Who have we here?” exclaimed Tom; “as I live, no other +than the lofty Honoria, an authoress, a wit and an eccentric; a +combination of qualities which frequently contribute to convey the +possessor to a garret, and thence to an hospital or poor house. It is not +uncommon to find attic salt in the first floor from heaven, but rather +difficult to find the occupier enabled to procure salt whereby to render +porridge palateable. The lady Honoria, who has just passed, resides in a +lodging in Mary-le-bone. She having mistaken stature for beauty, and +attitude for greatness, a tune on her lute for fascination, a few strange +opinions and out of the way sayings for genius, a masculine appearance for +attraction, and bulk for irresistibility, came on a cruise to London with +a view to call at C———House, where she conceived she +might be treated like a Princess. +</p> +<p> +“She fondly fancied that a certain dignified personage who relieved her +distress, could not but be captivated with the very description of her; in +consequence of which, she launched into expenses which she was but ill +able to bear, and now complains of designs formed against her and of all +sorts of fabulous nonsense. It must, however, be acknowledged, that an +extraordinary taste for fat, has been a great som-ce of inconvenience to +the illustrious character alluded to, for corpulent women have been in the +habit of daily throwing themselves in his way under some pretence or +other; and if he but looked at them, they have considered themselves as +favourites, and in the high road to riches and fame. +</p> +<p> +“It is well known that a certain French woman, with long flowing black +hair, who lived not an hundred miles from Pimlico, was one who fell into +this error. Her weight is about sixteen stone—and on that account +she sets herself down as this illustrious person's mistress; nay, because +he saw her once, she took expensive lodgings, ran deeply in debt, and now +abuses the great man because he has not provided for her in a princely +style, “<i>pour se beaux yeux</i>;” for it must be admitted, that she can +boast as fine a pair of black eyes as ever were seen. The circumstance of +this taste for materialism, is as unfortunate to the possessor, as a +convulsive nod of the head once was to a rich gentleman, who was never +without being engaged in some law suit or other, for lots knocked down to +him at auctions, owing to his incessant and involuntary noddings at these +places. The fat ladies wish the illustrious amateur to pay for peeping, +just as the crafty knights of the hammer endeavoured to make the rich +gentleman pay for his nodding at them.” + </p> +<p> +“Fat, fair, and forty, then,” said Sparkle, “does not appear to be +forgotten.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[360]</span> “No,” was the reply, “nor is it likely: +the wits of London are seldom idle upon subjects of importance: take for +instance the following lines:— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“When first I met thee, FAT and fair, +With forty charms about thee, +A widow brisk and <i>debonair</i>, +How could I live without thee. + +Thy rogueish eye I quickly spied, +It made me still the fonder, +I swore though false to all beside, +From thee I'd never wander. + +But old Fitzy now, +Thou'rt only fit to tease me, +And C—————M I vow, +Has learn't the art to please me.” + </div> +<p> +By this time they were passing Grosvenor gate, when the Hon. Tom Dashall +directed the attention of his Cousin to a person on the opposite side of +the street, pacing along with a stiff and formal air. +</p> +<p> +“That,” said he, “is a new species of character, if it may properly be so +termed, of which I have never yet given you any account. Sir Edward +Knowell stands, however, at the head of a numerous and respectable class +of persons, who may be entitled Philosophic Coxcombs. He proceeds with +geometrical exactness in all his transactions. You can perceive finery of +dress is no mark of his character; on the contrary, he at all times wears +a plain coat; and as if in ridicule of the common fop, takes care to +decorate his menials in the most gorgeous liveries. +</p> +<p> +“The stiffness and formality of his appearance is partly occasioned by the +braces which he very judiciously purchased of Martin Van Butchell, and +partly by the pride of wealth and rank. +</p> +<p> +“There is a pensiveness in his aspect, which would induce any one to +imagine Sir Edward to be a man of feeling; but those who have depended +upon outward appearances alone, have found themselves miserably deceived; +for as hypocrisy assumes a look of sanctity, so your philosophic coxcomb's +apparent melancholy serves only as a mask to cover his stupidity. +</p> +<p> +“Sir Edward is amorously inclined; but he consults his reason, or pretends +to do so, and by that means renders his pleasures subservient to his +health. It cannot be denied he sometimes manifests contortions of aspect +not exactly in unison with happiness; but his feelings are ever selfish, +and his apparent pain is occasioned by the nausea of a debauch, or perhaps +by the pressure of a new pair of boots. If you are in distress, Sir Edward +hears your tale with the most stoical indifference, and he contemplates +your happiness with an equal degree of apathy—a sort of Epictetus, +who can witness the miseries of a brother without agony or sympathy, and +mark the elevation of a friend without one sentiment of congratulation: +wrapt up in self, he banishes all feeling for others. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[361]</span> “This philosopher has a great number of +imitators—perhaps not less than one thousand philosophic coxcombs +visit London annually; and if Sir Edward were to die, they might all with +great propriety lay claim to a participation in the property he might +leave behind him, as near relations to the family of the Knowells. These +gentlemen violate all the moral duties of life with impunity: they are +shameless, irreligious, and so insignificant, that they seem to consider +themselves born for no useful purpose whatever. Indeed they are such +perfect blanks in the creation, that were they transported to some other +place, the community would never miss them, except by the diminution of +follies and vices. Like poisonous plants, they merely vegetate, diffuse +their contagious effluvia around, then sink into corruption, and are +forgotten for ever.” + </p> +<p> +“Whip me such fellows through the world,” exclaimed Sparkle, “I have no +relish for them.” + </p> +<p> +On calling in at Long's Hotel, they were informed that Sparkle's servant +had been in pursuit of his master, in consequence of letters having +arrived from the country; and as Dashall knew that he had two excellent +reasons why he should immediately acquaint himself with their contents, +the party immediately returned to Piccadilly. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0012"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXVI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“——-Mark the change at very first vacation, +She's scarcely known to father or relation. +No longer now in vesture neat and tight, +Because forsooth she's learn'd to be polite. +But crop't—a bosom bare, her charms explode, +Her shape, the <i>tout ensemble a-la-mode</i>. +Why Bet, cries Pa, what's come to thee of late? +This school has turn'd thy brain as sure as fate. +What means these vulgar ways? I hate 'em wench, +You shan't, I tell thee, imitate the French; +Because great vokes adopt a foreign taste, +And wear their bosoms naked to the waist, +D'ye think you shall—No, no, I loathe such ways, +Mercy! great nokes shew all for nothing now adays.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[362]</span> The morning arose with smiles and +sunshine, which appeared almost to invite our party earlier than they +intended to the enjoyments of a plan which had occupied their attention on +the previous evening, when Sparkle proposed a ride, which being consented +to, the horses were prepared, and they were quickly on the road. +</p> +<p> +Passing through Somers Town, Sparkle remarked to his friend Dashall, that +he could not help thinking that the manners and information of the rising +generation ought to be greatly improved. +</p> +<p> +“And have you not had sufficient evidence of the fact?” was the reply. +</p> +<p> +“Why certainly,” continued Sparkle, “if the increase of public schools +round the metropolis is in proportion to what has already met my eye +during our present short ride, there is sufficient evidence that education +is considered as it ought to be, of the first importance. Yet I question +whether we are so much more learned than our ancestors, as to require such +a vast increase of teachers. Nay, is not the market overstocked with these +heads of seminaries, similar to the republic of letters, which is +overwhelmed with authors, and clogged with bookmakers and books.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[363]</span> “This remark,” replied Tom, “might +almost as well be made upon every trade and profession which is followed; +in the present day there are so many in each, that a livelihood can +scarcely be obtained, and a universal grumbling is the consequence.” + </p> +<p> +“Well,” said Bob, “I can with safety say there are but two trades or +callings that I have met with since my arrival in London, to which I have +discovered no rivalship.” + </p> +<p> +This remark from Tallyho excited some surprise in the mind of his two +friends, who were anxious to know to what he alluded. +</p> +<p> +“I mean,” continued he, “the doll's bedstead seller, who is frequently to +be heard in the street of London, bawling with a peculiarity of voice as +singular as the article he has for sale,—'Buy my doll's bedsteads;'—and +the other, a well known whistler, whom you must both have heard.” + </p> +<p> +“Egad you are right,” replied Sparkle; “and although I recollect them +both, I must confess the observation now made has never so forcibly struck +me before: it, however, proves you have not exhausted your time in town +without paying attention to the characters it contains, nor the +circumstances by which they obtain their livelihood; and although the +introduction is not exactly in point with the subject of previous remarks, +and ought not to cut the thread of our discourse, it has some reference, +and conveys to my mind a novel piece of information. But I was about to +consider what can be the causes for this extraordinary host of ladies of +all ages, classes and colours, from the Honourable Mistress———to +the Misses Stubbs, who have their establishment for the education of young +ladies in a superior style; and whether in consequence of this legion of +fair labourers in learning and science, our countrywomen (for I am +adverting particularly to the softer sex) are chaster, wiser, and better, +than their mammas and grand-mammas.” + </p> +<p> +“A most interesting subject, truly,” replied Tom, “and well worthy of +close investigation. Now for my part I apprehend that the increase of +tutors arises from many other causes than the more general diffusion of +knowledge.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[364]</span> “There can be no doubt of it,” + continued Sparkle, “and some of those causes are odd enough—very +opposite to wisdom, and not more conducive to improvement; for amongst +them you will find pride, poverty, and idleness. +</p> +<p> +“For instance, you may discover that the proud partner of a shopkeeper in +the general line, or more plainly speaking, the proprietor of a chandler's +shop, is ambitious of having her daughter accomplished. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“E'en good Geoffrey Forge, a blacksmith by descent, +Who has his life 'midst bars and hammers spent, +Resolves his Bet shall learn to read and write, +And grace his table with a wit polite. +To make for father's sense a reparation— +The day arrives for fatal separation; +When Betsey quits her dad with tears of woe, +And goes to boarding-school—at Pimlico.” + </div> +<p> +“Well, the accomplishments sought are music, dancing, French, and +ornamental work; instead of learning the Bible, being brought up to +domestic utility, cooking, washing, plain work, and the arithmetic +necessary for keeping the accounts of her father's shop. What is the +consequence?—the change in her education quite unfits Miss for her +station in life; makes her look down on her unlettered Pa—and Ma—as +persons too ignorant for her to associate with; while she is looking up +with anxious expectation to marry a man of fortune (probably an officer); +and is not unfrequently taken unceremoniously without the consent of her +parents on a visit to the church.'' +</p> +<p> +“You are pushing the matter as close as you can, Charles,” said Dashall; +“though I confess I think, nay I may say indeed I know some instances in +which such fatal consequences have been the result of the conduct to which +you allude.” + </p> +<p> +“Well, then, suppose even that this superior style of education should not +have the effect of turning the poor girl's head, and that she really has +prudence and discretion enough to avoid the perils and snares of ambition; +Miss Celestina is at least unfitted for a tradesman's wife, and she must +either become a companion, or a governess, or a teacher at a school, or be +set up as the Minerva of an evening school—half educated herself, +and exposed in every situation for which she is conceived to be fitted, to +numerous temptations, betwixt the teachers of waltzes and quadrilles—the +one horse chaise dancing-masters—the lax-moraled foreign +music-master—or the dashing Pa—of her young pupils (perhaps a +Peer). Celibacy is not always so much an affair of choice as of +circumstances, and sad difficulties are consequently thrown in the way of +poor Miss So and So's path through life—all originating from pride.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[365]</span> “Well,” said Bob, “since you have been +amusing us with this description, I have counted not less than eight +seminaries, establishments, and preparatory schools.” + </p> +<p> +“I do not doubt it,” continued Sparkle; “and some of them on the meanest +scale, notwithstanding the high sounding titles under which they are +introduced to public notice: others presided over by sister spinsters, not +unfrequently with Frenchified names; such, for instance, as 'Mesdames +Puerdon's Seminary,' the lady's real name being Martha (or, if you please, +Patty) Purton, and a deformed relative completing the Mesdames: the +?Misses de la Porte,' (whom nature had made simple Porter), and no great +catch to obtain either: the 'Misses Cox's preparatory school for young +gentlemen of an early age,' all seem to bespeak the poverty, false pride, +and affectation of the owners. Notwithstanding the fine denominations +given to some of these learned institutions, such as 'Bellevue Seminary'—'Montpeliere +House'—'Bel Retiro Boarding School,' &c. &c. +</p> +<p> +“To such artifices as these are two classes of females compelled to +resort, namely, reduced gentlewomen and exalted tradesmen's daughters, who +disdain commerce, and hate the homely station which dame nature had +originally intended them to move in. Such ladies (either by birth or +adoption) prefer the twig to the distaff, the study to the shop, and +experience more pleasure in walking out airing with their pupils, taking +their station in the front, frequently gaudily and indiscreetly dressed, +than to be confined to the counter, or the domestic occupations of the +good old English housewife of former times. +</p> +<p> +“Such ladies are frequently to be met with on all the Greens and Commons, +from dirty Stepney or Bethnal, to the more sumptuous Clapham or Willisdon. +Some of them are so occupied with self, that the random-shot glances of +their pupils at the exquisites and the dandy militaires about town, do not +come within the range of their notice, while others are more vigilant, but +often heave a sigh at the thought that the gay and gallant Captain should +prefer the ruddy daughter of a cheese-monger, to the reduced sprigs of +gentility which they consider themselves. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[366]</span> “At all events, many of these +ladies,and worthy ones too, are placed, <i>par force</i> of poverty, in +this avocation, unsuited to their abilities, their hearts, their habits, +or their former expectations. The government of their young flock is +odious to them, and although they may go through the duties of their +situation with apparent patience, it is in fact a drudgery almost +insupportable; and the objects nearest the governess's heart—are the +arrival of the vacation, the entrance-money, the quarter's schooling, and +a lengthy list of items: the arrival of Black Monday, or a cessation of +holidays, brings depressed spirits, and she returns to her occupation, +deploring her unlucky stars which placed her in so laborious a situation—envies +her cousin Sarah, who has caught a minor in her net; nay even perhaps +would be happy to exchange circumstances with the thoughtless Miss +Skipwell, who has run away with her dancing-master, or ruined a young +clergyman, of a serious turn, by addressing love-letters to him, copied +from the most romantic novels, which have softened his heart into +matrimony, and made genteel beggars of the reverend mistress, himself, and +a numerous offspring.” + </p> +<p> +“Very agreeable, indeed,” cried Dashall. +</p> +<p> +“Perhaps not,” said Tallyho, interrupting him, “to the parties described.” + </p> +<p> +“You mistake me,” was the reply; “I meant the combination of air and +exercise with the excellent descriptions of our friend Sparkle, who by the +way has not yet done with the subject.” + </p> +<p> +“I am aware of it,” continued Sparkle, “for there is one part which I +mentioned at the outset, which may with great propriety be added in the +way of elucidation—I mean Idleness: it is the third, and shall for +the present be the last subject of our consideration, and even this has +contributed its fair proportion of teachers to the world. Miss Mel ta way, +the daughter of a tallow-chandler, who ruined himself by dressing +extravagantly his wife, and over educating his dear Caroline Matilda, in +consequence of which he failed, and shortly afterwards left the world +altogether,—was brought up in the straw line; but this was no solid +trade, and could not be relied upon: however, she plays upon the harp and +the guitar. What advantages! yet she also failed in the straw-hat line, +and therefore Idleness prefers becoming an assistant teacher and music +mistress, to taking to any more laborious, even though more productive +mode of obtaining a livelihood. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[367]</span> “Then Miss Nugent has a few hundred +pounds, the remnant of Pa's gleanings (Pa having been the retired butler +of a Pigeoned Peer.) A retail bookseller sought her hand in marriage, but +she thought him quite a vulgar fellow. He had no taste for waltzing, at +which she was considered to excel—he blamed her indulgence in such +pleasures, and ventured to hint something about a pudding. Then again, he +can't speak French, and dresses in dittoes. Now all this is really +barbarous, and consequently Miss Nugent spurns the idea of such a +connection. +</p> +<p> +“Let us trace her still further. In a short time she is addressed by a +Captain Kirkpatrick Tyrconnel, who makes his approaches with a splendid +equipage. The romantic sound of the former, and the glare of the latter, +attract her attention. The title of Captain, however, is merely a <i>nom +de guerre</i>, for he is only an ensign on half-pay. Miss is delighted +with his attentions: he is a charming fellow, highly accomplished, for he +sings duets, waltzes admirably, plays the German flute, and interlards his +conversation with scraps of French and Spanish. Altogether he is truly +irresistible, and she is willing to lay her person and her few hundreds at +the feet of the conquerer. The day is appointed, and every preparation +made for the nuptial ceremony; when ah! who can foresee, +</p> +<p> +“The various turns of fate below.” + </p> +<p> +An athletic Hibernian wife, formerly the widow of Dennis O'Drumball, steps +in between the young lady and the hymeneal altar, and claims the Captain +as her husband—she being the landlady of a country ale-house where +he had been quartered, whom he had married by way of discharging his bill. +The interposition is fortunate, because it saves the Captain from an +involuntary trip to Botany Bay, and Miss from an alliance of a bigamical +kind; though it has at the same time proved a severe disappointment to the +young lady. +</p> +<p> +“Crossed in love—wounded in the most tender part—she forswears +the hymeneal tie; and under such unfortunate circumstances she opens a +Seminary, to which she devotes the remainder of her life.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[368]</span> “Pray,” said Bob, whose eyes were as +open as his ears, “did you notice that shining black board, with +preposterous large gold letters, announcing 'Miss Smallgood's +establishment for Young Ladies,' and close alongside of it another, +informing the passenger,—' That man-traps were placed in the +premises.'” + </p> +<p> +“I did,” said Sparkle—“but I do not think that, though somewhat +curious, the most remarkable or strange association. Young ladies educated +on an improved plan, and man-traps advertised in order to create terror +and dismay! For connected with this method of announcing places of +education, is a recollection of receptacles of another nature.” + </p> +<p> +“To what do you allude?” inquired Tallyho. “Why, in many instances, +private mad-houses are disguised as boarding schools, under the +designation of 'Establishment.' Many of these receptacles in the vicinity +of the metropolis, are rendered subservient to the very worst of purposes, +though originally intended for the safety of the individual, as well as +the security of the public against the commission of acts, which are too +frequently to be deplored as the effect of insanity. Of all the houses of +mourning, that to which poor unhappy mortals are sent under mental +derangement is decidedly the most gloomy. The idea strikes the imagination +with horror, which is considerably increased by a reflection on the +numerous human victims that are incarcerated within their walls, the +discipline they are subjected to, and the usual pecuniary success which +attends the keepers of such establishments,—where the continuance of +the patient is the chief source of interest, rather than the recovery. +That they are useful in some cases cannot be denied, but there are many +instances too well authenticated to be doubted, where persons desirous of +getting rid of aged and infirm relatives, particularly if they manifested +any little aberration of mind (as is common in advanced age), have +consigned them to these receptacles, from which, through the supposed +kindness of their friends, and the management of the proprietors, they +have never returned. If the parties ail nothing, they are soon driven to +insanity by ill usage, association with unfortunates confined like +themselves, vexation at the treatment, and absolute despair of escape; or +if partially or slightly afflicted, the lucid intervals are prevented, and +the disorder by these means is increased and confirmed by coercion, +irritation of mind, and despair.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[369]</span> “This is a deplorable picture of the +state of things, indeed,” said Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“But it is unvarnished,” was the reply; “the picture requires no imaginary +embellishment, since it has its foundation in truth. Then again, contrast +the situation of the confined with the confinera. The relatives have an +interest in the care of the person, and a control over the property, which +in cases of death frequently becomes their own. The keepers of these +receptacles have also an interest in keeping the relatives in a +disposition to forward all their views of retaining the patient, who, +under the representation of being seriously deranged, is not believed; +consequently all is delusion, but the advantages which ultimately fall to +the tender-hearted relative, or the more artful proprietor of the +mad-house; and it is wonderful what immense fortunes are made by the +latter; nay not only by the proprietors, but even the menials in their +employ, many of whom have been known to retire independent, a circumstance +which clearly proves, that by some means or other they must have possessed +themselves of the care of the property, as well as that of the persons of +their unfortunate victims.” + </p> +<p> +“This is a dull subject,” said Dashall, “though I confess that some +exposures which have been made fully justify your observations; but I am +not fond of looking at such gloomy pictures of Real Life.” + </p> +<p> +“True,” replied Sparkle; “but it connects itself with the object you have +had in view; and though I know there are many who possess souls of +sensibility, and who would shrink from the contemplation of so much +suffering humanity, it is still desirable they should know the effects +produced almost by inconceivable causes. I know people in general avoid +the contemplation, as well as fly from the abodes of misery, contenting +themselves by sending pecuniary assistance. But unfortunately there are a +number of things that wear a similarity of appearance, yet are so unlike +in essence and reality, that they are frequently mistaken by the credulous +and unwary, who become dupes, merely because they are not eye witnesses of +the facts. But if the subject is dull, let us push forward, take a gallop +over Hampstead Heath, and return.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[370]</span> “With all my heart,” cried Dashall, +giving a spur to his horse, and away they went. +</p> +<p> +The day was delightfully fine; the appearance of the country banished all +gloomy thoughts from their minds; and after a most agreeable ride, they +returned to Piccadilly, where finding dinner ready, they spent the +remainder of the evening in the utmost hilarity, and the mutual +interchange of amusing and interesting conversation, principally relative +to Sparkle's friends in the country, and their arrangements for the +remainder of their time during their stay in the metropolis. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0013"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXVII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“E'en mighty monarchs may at times unbend, +And sink the dull superior in the friend. +The jaded scholar his lov'd closet quits, +To chat with folks below, and save his wits: +Peeps at the world awhile, with curious look. +Then flies again with pleasure to his book. +The tradesman hastes away from Care's rude gripe, +To meet the neighbouring club and smoke his pipe. +All this is well, in decent bounds restrained, +No health is injured, and no mind is pain'd. +But constant travels in the paths of joy, +Yield no delights but what in time must cloy; +Though novelty spread all its charms to view, +And men with eagerness those charms pursue; +One truth is clear, that by too frequent use, +They early death or mis'ry may produce.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[371]</span> THE post of the following morning +brought information for Dashall and his friends, and no time was lost in +breaking open the seals of letters which excited the most pleasing +anticipations. A dead silence prevailed for a few minutes, when, rising +almost simultaneously, expressions of satisfaction and delight were +interchanged at the intelligence received. +</p> +<p> +Merry well's success had proved more than commensurate with his most +sanguine expectations. He had arrived at the residence of his dying +relative, just time enough to witness his departure from this sublunary +sphere, and hear him with his expiring breath say,—“All is thine;” + and a letter to each of his former friends announced the pleasure and the +happiness he should experience by an early visit to his estate, declaring +his determination to settle in the country, and no more become a rambler +in the labyrinths of London. +</p> +<p> +This was a moment of unexpected, though hoped for gratification. Sparkle +applauded the plan he intended to pursue. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho confessed himself tired of this world of wonders, and appeared to +be actuated by a similar feeling: he conceived he had seen enough of the +Life of a Rover, and seemed to sigh for his native plains again. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[372]</span> Dashall's relish for novelty in London +was almost subdued; and after comparing notes together for a short time, +it was mutually agreed that they would dine quietly at home, and digest a +plan for future proceedings. +</p> +<p> +“Never,” said Tom, “did I feel so strong an inclination to forego the +fascinating charms of a London Life as at the present moment; and whether +I renounce it altogether or not, we will certainly pay a congratulatory +visit to Merry well.” + </p> +<p> +“Example,” said Sparkle, endeavouring to encourage the feeling with which +his friend's last sentiment was expressed, “is at all times better than +precept; and retirement to domestic felicity is preferable to revelry in +splendid scenes of dissipation, which generally leads to premature +dissolution.” + </p> +<p> +“Agreed,” said Tom; “and happy is the man who, like yourself, has more +than self to think for.—Blest with a lovely and amiable wife, and an +ample fortune, no man upon earth can have a better chance of gliding down +the stream of life, surrounded by all the enjoyments it can afford—while +I———” + </p> +<p> +“Oh, what a lost mutton am I!” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle could scarcely forbear laughing at his friend, though he was +unable to discover whether he was speaking seriously or ironically; he +therefore determined to rally him a little. +</p> +<p> +“How,” said he, “why you are growing serious and sentimental all at once: +what can be the cause of this change of opinion so suddenly?” + </p> +<p> +“My views of life,” replied Dashall, “have been sufficient to convince me +that a Like in London is the high road to Death. I have, however, tried +its vagaries in all companies, in all quarters; and, as the Song says, +</p> +<p> +“Having sown my wild oats in my youthful days, I wish to live happily now +they are done.” + </p> +<p> +By this time Sparkle was convinced that Dashall was speaking the real +sentiments of his mind, and congratulated him upon them. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[373]</span> Tallyho expressed himself highly +delighted with the information he had acquired during his stay in London, +but could not help at the same time acknowledging, that he had no wish to +continue in the same course much longer: it was therefore agreed, that on +that day fortnight they would leave the metropolis for the residence of +Merrywell, and trust the future guidance of their pursuits to chance. +</p> +<p> +“It would argue a want of loyalty,” said Tom, “if we did not witness the +royal departure for Scotland before we quit town; and as that is to take +place on Saturday next, we will attend the embarkation of his Majesty at +Greenwich, and then turn our thoughts towards a country life.” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle was evidently gratified by this determination, though he could +hardly persuade himself it was likely to be of long duration; and Bob +inwardly rejoiced at the expression of sentiments in exact accordance with +his own. At a moment when they were all absorbed in thoughts of the +future, they were suddenly drawn to the present by a man passing the +window, bawling aloud—“Buy a Prap—Buy a Prap.” + </p> +<p> +“What does the fellow mean?” interrupted Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Mean,” said Dashall, “nothing more than to sell his clothes props.” + </p> +<p> +“Props,” replied Bob, “but he cries praps; I suppose that is a new style +adopted in London.” + </p> +<p> +“Not at all,” continued Sparkle; “the alteration of sound only arises from +an habitual carelessness, with which many of what are termed the London +Cries are given; a sort of tone or jargon which is acquired by continually +calling the same thing—and in which you will find he is not +singular. The venders of milk, for instance, seldom call the article they +carry for sale, as it is generally sounded <i>mieu</i>, or <i>mieu below</i>, +though some have recently adopted the practice of crying <i>mieu above</i>. +The sort of sing-song style which the wandering vendera of different goods +get into as it were by nature, is frequently so unintelligible, that even +an old inhabitant of the town and its environs can scarcely ascertain by +the ear what is meant; and which I apprehend arises more from the sameness +of subject than from any premeditated intention of the parties so calling. +Other instances may be given:—the chimney-sweeper, you will find, +instead of <span class="pagenum">[374]</span> bawling sweep, frequently +contracts it to we-ep or e-ep; the former not altogether incompatible with +the situation of the shivering little being who crawls along the streets +under a load of soot, to the great annoyance of the well dressed +passengers; however, it has the effect of warning them of his approach. +The dustman, above curtailment, as if he felt his superiority over the +flue-faker, lengthens his sound to dust-ho, or dust-wo; besides, he is +dignified by carrying a bell in one hand, by which he almost stuns those +around him, and appears determined to kick up a dust, if he can do nothing +else. The cries of muffins in the streets it is difficult to understand, +as they are in the habit of ringing a tinkling bell, the sound of which +can scarcely be heard, and calling mapping ho; and I remember one man whom +I have frequently followed, from whom I could never make out more than +happy happy happy now. There is a man who frequently passes through the +Strand, wheeling a barrow before him, bawling as he moves along, in a deep +and sonorous voice, smoaking hot, piping hot, hot Chelsea Buns; and +another, in the vicinity of Covent Garden, who attracts considerable +notice by the cry of—Come buy my live shrimps and pierriwinkles—buy +my wink, wink, wink; these, however, are exceptions to those previously +mentioned, as they have good voices, and deliver themselves to some tune; +but to the former may be added the itinerant collector of old clothes, who +continually annoys you with—Clow; clow sale. The ingenious Ned +Shuter, the most luxuriant comedian of his time, frequently entertained +his audience on his benefit nights with admirable imitations of the Cries +of London, in which he introduced a remarkable little man who sold puffs, +and who, from the peculiar manner of his calling them, acquired the name +of Golly Molly Puff; by this singularity he became a noted character, and +at almost every period some such peculiar itinerant has become remarkable +in the streets of London. Some years back, a poor wretched being who dealt +in shreds and patches, used to walk about, inviting people by the +following lines— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Linen, woollen, and leather, +Bring 'em out altogether.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[375]</span> Another, a sleek-headed whimsical old +man, appeared, who was commonly called the Wooden Poet, from his carrying +wooden ware, which was slung in a basket round his neck, and who chaunted +a kind of song in doggerel rhyme, somewhat similar to the following— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“Come, come, my worthy soul, +Will you buy a wooden bowl? +I am just come from the Borough, +Will you buy a pudding stirrer. +I hope I am not too soon, +For you to buy a wooden spoon. +I've come quick as I was able, +Thinking you might want a ladle, +And if I'm not too late, +Buy a trencher or wood plate. +Or if not it's no great matter, +So you take a wooden platter. +It may help us both to dinner, +If you'll buy a wooden skimmer. +Come, neighbours, don't be shy, for I deal just and fair, +Come, quickly come and buy, all sorts of wooden ware.” + </div> +<p> +“Very well, indeed, for a wooden poet,” exclaimed Bois; “he certainly +deserved custom at all events: his rivals, Walter Scott or Lord Byron, +would have turned such a poetical effusion to some account—it would +have been dramatized—Murray, Longman, &c. would have been all in +a bustle, puffing, blowing, and advertising. We should have had piracies, +Chancery injunctions, and the d———1 to pay; but alas! it +makes all the difference whether a poet is fashionable and popular or +not."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 Lord Byron, in his preface to a recent publication, +complains that among other black arts resorted to, for the +purpose of injuring his fair fame, he has been accused of +receiving considerable sums for writing poetical puffs for +Warren's blacking. We can safely acquit his Lordship of this +charge, as well as of plagiarism from the poems he alludes +to; but it has led to a curious rencontre between the +blacking-laureat, and his patron the vender of the shin-ing +jet; and after considerable black-guardism between the +parties, the matter is likely to become the subject of legal +discussion among the gentlemen of the black robe. + +The poet, it appears, received half a crown for each +production, from the man of blacking, which the latter +considered not only a fair, but even liberal remuneration +for poetic talent; not overlook-ing, that while the +pecuniary reward would produce comfort, and add a polish to +personal appearance, the brilliance of the composition, +(both of poetry and blacking), would be fairly divided +between he authors of each; and that the fame of both would +be conjointly + +handed down to posterity, and shine for ever in the temple +of fame. + +Now it requires no uncommon sagacity to perceive, that but +for this unfortunate mistake of the public, the poet would +have remained satisfied, as far as pecuniary recompence +went, with the half-crown,—looking to futurity for that +more complete recompence, which poets ever consider far +beyond pudding or sensual gratification,—fame and +immortality; but, alas! + +“From causes quite obscure and unforeseen, What great events +to man may sometimes spring.” + +Finding from Lord B.'s own statement, that the public had +duly appreciated the merit of these compositions, and had +attached so high a value, as even to mistake them for his +Lordship's productions, our bard was naturally led into a +train of reasoning, and logical deductions, as to what +advantage had, and what ought to have resulted to himself, +according to this estimate, by public opinion.—Lord B. and +his great northern contemporary, it appeared, received +thousands from the public for their poems, while half-crowns +(not to be despised, during certain cravings, but soon +dissipated by that insatiable and unceasing tormentor, the +stomach,) was all the benefit likely to accrue in this world +to the original proprietor: in a happy moment, a happy +thought flitted athwart the poet's mind; and like the china +seller in the Arabian Nights, he found himself rolling in +ideal wealth; and spurning with disdain the blacking +merchant, the blacking, and the half-crowns, he resolved on +a project by which to realize his fondest wishes of wealth, +happiness, and independence. + +The project was this: to collect together the fugitive +blacking sonnets, so as to form a volume, under the title of +Poems supposed to be written by Lord Byron, and offer the +copyright to Mr. Murray; and in case of his refusing a +liberal sum, (that is, some-thing approaching to what he +pays the Noble Bard per Vol.) to publish them on his (the +author's) own account, and depend on the public for that +support and encouragement which their favourable decision +had already rendered pretty certain. + +Now then comes 'the rub;' the blacking vender, hearing of +our poet's intention, files a bill in Chancery, praying for +an injunction to restrain the publication, and claiming an +exclusive right in the literary property: the poet, in +replication, denies having assigned or transferred the +copyright, and thus issue is joined. His Lord-ship, with his +usual extreme caution, where important rights are involved, +wished to give the matter mature consideration, and said, +“he would take the papers home, to peruse more attentively.” + It will be recollected, that in the cause, respecting Lord +Byron's poem of Cain, his Lordship stated, that during the +vacation he had, by way of relaxation from business, perused +that work and Paradise Lost, in order to form a just +estimate of their comparative merits; and who knows but +during the present vacation, his Lordship may compare the +blacking sonnets with “Childe Harold,” “Fare Thee Well,” + &c.; and that on next seal day, the public may be benefited +by his opinion as to which is entitled to the claim of +superior excellence; and how far the public are justified in +attributing the former to the noble author of the latter. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[377]</span> “Then,” continued Sparkle, “there was a +rustic usually mounted on a white hobby, with a basket on one arm, who +used to invade the northern purlieus of London, mumbling Holloway +Cheesecakes, which from his mode of utterance, sounded like 'Ho all my +teeth ake.'” + </p> +<p> +“Ha! ha! ha!” vociferated Tallyho, unable to restrain his risibility. +</p> +<p> +“Numerous other instances might be adduced,” continued Sparkle: “among +many there was a noted Pigman, whose pigs were made of what is called +standing crust, three or four inches long, baked with currant sauce in the +belly, who used to cry, or rather sing,— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +?A long tail'd pig, or a short tail'd pig,' &c. +</div> +<p> +There was another singular character, who used to be called Tiddy-doll, a +noted vender of gingerbread at Bartholomew, Southwark, and other fairs; +who to collect customers round his basket used to chaunt a song, in which +scarcely any thing was distinctly articulated but the cant expression +Tiddy-doll: he used to wear a high cocked hat and feather, with broad +scolloped gold lace on it; and last, though not least, was Sir Jeffery +Vunstan, of Garrat fame, who used to walk about the streets in a blue coat +with gold lace, his shirt bosom open, and without a hat, accompanied by +his daughter, Miss Nancy, crying ould wigs.” + </p> +<p> +“Old wigs,” reverberated Bob, “an extraordinary article of merchandize!” + </p> +<p> +“Not more extraordinary than true,” replied Dashall; “but come, I suppose +we shall all feel inclined to write a few lines to the country, so let us +make the best of our time.” + </p> +<p> +Upon this signal, each flew to the exercise of the quill, and indulged his +own vein of thought in writing to his friend; and the day closed upon them +without any further occurrence deserving of particular remark. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0014"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXVIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +Haste away to Scotland dear, +And leave your native home; +The Land of Cakes affords good cheer +And you've a mind to roam.— +Here splendid sights, and gala nights +Are all prepar'd for Thee; +While Lords and Knights,—('mid gay delights!) + +And Ladies bend the knee. +Haste away to Scotia's Land, +With kilt and Highland plaid; +And join the sportive, reeling band, +With ilka bonny lad.— +For night and day,—we'll trip away, +With cheerful dance, and glee; +Come o'er the spray,—without delay, +Each joy's prepared for Thee. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[378]</span> The morning arose with a smiling and +inviting aspect; and as it had been previously rumoured that his Majesty +would embark from Greenwich Hospital at half-past eight o'clock, on his +intended voyage to Scotland, our party had arranged every thing for their +departure at an early hour, and before seven o'clock had seated themselves +in a commodious and elegant barge moored off Westminster Bridge, +intending, if possible, to see the City Companies, headed by the Lord +Mayor and Court of Aldermen, start, as had been proposed, from the Tower. +They were shortly afterwards gliding on the surface of the watery element +towards the scene of action: by this time the numerous parties in pursuit +of the same object were on the alert; and from almost every part of the +shore as they passed along, gaily dressed company was embarking, while +merry peals of bells seemed to announce approaching delight. The steeples +on shore, and the vessels in the river, exhibited flags and streamers, +which gave an additional splendour to the scene. All was anxiety and +expectation; numerous barges and pleasure-boats, laden with elegant +company, were speeding the same way, and every moment increasing, so that +the whole view displayed a combination of beauty, fashion, and loyalty not +often surpassed. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[379]</span> On arriving off the Tower, it was soon +ascertained that the Lord Mayor and City Companies had got the start of +them, and consequently they proceeded on their journey, not doubting but +they should overtake them before reaching Greenwich; and in this +expectation they were not disappointed; for soon after passing Rotherhithe +Church, they came up with the City State Barge, which was towed by a steam +boat, accompanied by several other state barges, the whole filled with +company. The brightness of the morning, and the superb appearance of these +gaily manned, and it might be added gaily womaned gallies, (for a numerous +party of fashionably attired ladies added their embellishing presence to +the spectacle) formed altogether a picture of more than ordinary interest +and magnificence. +</p> +<p> +“This Royal Visit to Scotland,” said Sparkle, “has for some time past been +a prevailing topic of discussion from one end of the Land of Cakes to the +other, and the preparations for his Majesty's reception are of the most +splendid description—triumphal arches are to be erected, new roads +to be made, banquets to be given, general illuminations to take place, +body guards of royal archers to be appointed, and the dull light of oil +lamps to be totally obscured by the full blaze of Royal Gas. Then there +are to be meetings of the civil and municipal authorities from every town +and county, presenting loyal and dutiful addresses; and it is expected +that there will be so much booing among the “Carle's when the King's +come,” that the oilmen are said to be not a whit disconcerted at the +introduction of gas lights, the unctuous article being at present in great +demand, for the purpose of suppling the stiff joints of the would-be +courtiers, who have resolved to give a characteristic specimen of their +humble loyalty, and to oulboo all the hooings of the famed Sir Pertinax.” + </p> +<p> +“However,” observed Dashall, “it is not very likely they will be able to +equal the grace with which it is acknowledged the King can bow; and he is +to be accompanied by the accomplished Sir Billy, of City notoriety; so +that admirable examples are certain of being presented to the Scottish +gentry: reports state <span class="pagenum">[380]</span> that the worthy +Baronet, who is considered to be of great weight wherever he goes, is +determined to afford his Majesty, in this visit to Edinburgh, the benefit +of that preponderating loyalty which he last year threw into the scale of +the Dublin Corporation; and that he has recently purchased from a Highland +tailor in the Hay market, a complete suit of tartan, philebeg, &c. +with which he means to invest himself, as the appropriate costume, to meet +his royal master on his arrival at Edinburgh.” + </p> +<p> +“In that case,” said Sparkle, “there is one circumstance greatly to be +regretted, considering the gratification which our northern neighbours +might have derived, from ascertaining the precise number of cwts. of the +most weighty of London citizens. I remember reading a day or two back that +the weigh-house of the City of Edinburgh was disposed of by public roup, +and that a number of workmen were immediately employed to take it down, as +the whole must be cleared away by the 6th of August, under a penalty of +50L.: what a pity, that in the annals of the weigh-house, the Scotch could +not have registered the actual weight of the greatest of London Aldermen.” + </p> +<p> +Tom and Bob laughed heartily at their friend Sparkle's anticipations +respecting the worthy Baronet; while Bob dryly remarked, “he should think +Sir Willie would prove himself a honnie lad among the lasses O; and nae +doubt he would cut a braw figure in his Highland suit.” + </p> +<p> +“But,” continued Dashall, “we are indulging in visions of fancy, without +paying that attention to the scene around us which it deserves, and I +perceive we are approaching Greenwich Hospital. There is the royal yacht +ready prepared for the occasion; the shores are already crowded with +company, and the boats and barges are contending for eligible situations +to view the embarkation. There is the floating chapel; and a little +further on to the right is the Marine Society's School-ship, for the +education of young lads for his Majesty's service. The Hospital now +presents a grand and interesting appearance. What say you, suppose we land +at the Three Crowns, and make inquiry as to the likely time of his +Majesty's departure.” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart,” replied Sparkle, “and we can then refresh, for I am +not exactly used to water excursions, and particularly so early in the +morning, consequently it has a good effect on the appetite.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[381]</span> By this time the City Barges had taken +positions in the front of the Hospital, and our party passed them to gain +the proposed place of inquiry: here, however, all was conjecture; the +people of Greenwich Hospital appeared to know as little of the time +appointed as those of the metropolis; and finding they had little chance +of accommodation in consequence of the great influx of company, they again +embarked, and shortly after attacked the produce of their locker, and with +an excellent tongue and a glass of Madeira, regaled themselves +sufficiently to wait the arrival. Time, however, hung heavily on their +hands, though they had a view of thousands much worse situated than +themselves, and could only contemplate the scene with astonishment, that +serious mischiefs did not accrue, from the immense congregated multitude +by which they were surrounded. +</p> +<p> +Anxiety and anticipation were almost exhausted, and had nearly given place +to despondency, when about three o'clock the extraordinary bustle on shore +announced the certainty of the expected event being about to take place; +and in about half an hour after, they were gratified by seeing his Majesty +descend the steps of the Hospital, attended by the noblemen, &c. under +a royal salute, and rowed to the vessel prepared to receive him. The royal +standard was immediately hoisted, and away sailed the King, amidst the +heartfelt congratulations and good wishes of his affectionate and loyal +people, the firing of cannon, the ringing of bells, and every other +demonstration of a lively interest in his safety and welfare: leaving many +to conjecture the feelings with which the heart must be impressed of a +person so honoured and attended, we shall select a few descriptive lines +from the pen of a literary gentleman, in his opinion the most likely to be +expressive of the sentiments entertained on the occasion. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +ROYAL RECOLLECTIONS. + +As slow the yacht her northern track +Against the wind was cleaving; +Her noble Master oft look'd back, +To that dear spot 'twas leaving: +So loth to part from her he loves, +From those fair charms that bind him; +He turns his eye where'er he roves, +To her he's left behind him. +When, round the bowl, of other dears +He talks, with joyous seeming, +His smiles resemble vapourish tears, +So faint, so sad their beaming; +While memory brings him back again, +Each early tie that twin'd him, +How sweet's the cup that circles then, +To her he's left behind him. + +Ah! should our noble master meet +Some Highland lass enchanting, +With looks all buxom, wild, and sweet, +Yet love would still be wanting; +He'd think how great had been his bliss +If heav'n had but assign'd him, +To live and die so pure as this, +With her he's left behind him. +As travelers oft look back at eve, +When eastward darkly going, +To gaze upon that light they leave, +Still faint behind them glowing. + +So, ere he's been a month away, +At home we sure shall find him, +For he can never longer stay, +From her he's left behind him. +</div> +<p> +The gay assemblage before them, and the ceremony of the embarkation, the +sound of music, and the shouts of the populace, and animated appearance of +the river, which by this time seemed all in motion, amply repaid our +friends for the time they had waited; and after watching the departure of +the Royal Squadron, they returned to town; and as they passed the London +Docks, it occurred to the mind of the Hon. Tom Dashall, that his Cousin +had not yet paid a visit to these highly interesting productions of human +genius; and it was agreed that a day should be devoted to their inspection +before his departure from the Metropolis. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0015"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXIX +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +——Where has Commerce such a mart, +So rich, so throng'd, so drained, and so supplied, +As London; opulent, enlarged, and still +Increasing London? Babylon of old +Not more the glory of the earth, than she; +A more accomplish'd world's chief glory now. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[383]</span> According to arrangements previously +made, our friends met in the morning with a determination to shape their +course eastward, in order to take a survey of the Commercial Docks for the +accommodation of shipping, and the furtherance of trade; and the carriage +being ordered, they were quickly on their way towards Blackwall. +</p> +<p> +“The Docks of the Port of London,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “are of the +highest importance in a commercial point of view, and are among the +prominent curiosities of British Commerce, as they greatly facilitate +trade, and afford additional security to the merchants.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” said Sparkle, “and it is to be presumed, no small profit to the +share-holders of the Companies by which they were established; but I +expect your Cousin will derive more gratification from a sight of the +places themselves, than from any description we can give, and the time to +explain will be when we arrive on the spot; for it is scarcely possible +for any one to conceive the immensity of buildings they contain, or the +regularity with which the business is carried on.—” How do ye do?” + (thrusting his head out of the window, and moving his hand with graceful +familiarity,)—“I have not seen Sir Frederick since my matrimonial +trip, and now he has passed by on horseback I really believe without +seeing me; Dashall, you remember Sir Frederick Forcewit?” + </p> +<p> +“Perfectly well,” replied Tom; “but I was paying so much attention to you, +that I did not notice him. The liveliest fellow, except yourself, in the +whole round of my acquaintance.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[384]</span> “And you are one of the best I ever met +with to gain a point by a good turn; but take it, and make the most you +can of it—I may have an opportunity of paying you off in your own +coin.” + </p> +<p> +Tallyho laughed heartily at the manner in which Sparkle had altogether +changed the conversation, but could not help remarking that Sir Frederick +had not given a specimen of his politeness, by avoiding a return of +Sparkle's salutation. +</p> +<p> +“And yet,” continued Sparkle, “he is one of the most polished men I know, +notwithstanding I think his upper story is not a bit too well furnished: +he has a handsome fortune, and a pretty wife, who would indeed be a lovely +woman, but for an affectation of manners which she assumed upon coming to +the title of Lady Forcewit: their parties are of the most dashing order, +and all the rank and fashion of the metropolis visit their mansion.” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle, who was in his usual humour for conversation and description, now +entertained his friends with the following account of a party with whom he +had spent an evening just previous to his departure from town. +</p> +<p> +“Mrs. Stepswift is the widow lady of a dancing-master, who having acquired +some little property previous to his decease, left his partner in +possession of his wealth and two daughters, though the provision for their +education and support was but scanty. The mother had the good luck a few +years after to add to her stock ten thousand pounds by a prize in the +lottery, a circumstance which afforded her additional opportunities of +indulging her passion for dress, which she did not fail to inculcate in +her daughters, who, though not handsome, were rather pleasing and +agreeable girls; and since the good fortune to which I have alluded, she +has usually given a ball by way of introduction to company, and with the +probable view, (as they are now marriageable), to secure them husbands. It +was on one of these occasions that I was invited, and as I knew but one of +the party, I had an excellent opportunity of making my uninterrupted +remarks.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” said Dashall, “I'll wager my life you acted the part of an +observant quiz.” + </p> +<p> +“And I should think you would be likely to win,” observed Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[385]</span> “I am bound to consider myself +obliged,” continued Sparkle, “for the bold construction you are kind +enough to put upon my character and conduct by your observations; but +never mind, I am not to be intimidated by the firing of a pop-gun, or a +flash in the pan, therefore I shall proceed. Upon my introduction I found +the widow playing a rubber with a punchy parson, a lean doctor, and a +half-pay officer in the Guards; and consequently taking a friend I knew by +the arm, I strolled through the rooms, which were spacious and well +furnished. In the ball-room I found numerous couples 'tripping it on the +light fantastic toe,' to the tune of 'I'll gang no more to yon town,' and +displaying a very considerable portion of grace and agility. In the other +room devoted to refreshments and cards, I met with several strollers like +myself, who being without partners, or not choosing to dance with such as +they could obtain, were lounging away their time near the centre of the +room. I was introduced to the two young ladies, who behaved with the +utmost politeness and attention, though I could easily perceive there was +a considerable portion of affectation mingled with their manners; and I +soon discovered that they operated as the load-stone of attraction to +several dandy-like beaux who were continually flocking around them. +</p> +<p> +?"My dear Miss Eliza,' said a pug-nosed dandy, whom I afterwards +understood to be a jeweller's shopman, 'may I be allowed the superlative +honor and happiness of attending you down the next dance?' The manner in +which this was spoken, with a drawling lisp, and the unmeaning attitude of +the speaker, which was any thing but natural, provoked my risibility +almost beyond forbearance; his bushy head, the fall of his cape, and the +awkward stick-out of his coat, which was buttoned tight round his waist; +the drop of his quizzing glass from his bosom, and the opera hat in his +hand, formed altogether as curious a figure as I ever recollect to have +seen; though my eyes were immediately directed to another almost as +grotesque, by the young lady herself, who informed the applicant that she +had engaged herself with Captain Scrambleton, and could not avail herself +of his intended honor; while the captain himself, with a mincing gait, +little compatible with the line of life to which it was to be presumed he +was attached, was advancing and eyeing the would-be rival with all the +apparent accuracy of a military scrutiny. The contrast of the two figures +is <span class="pagenum">[386]</span> inconceivable—the supplicating +beau on the one hand, half double, in the attitude of solicitation, and +the upright position of the exquisite militaire, casting a suspicious look +of self-importance on the other, were irresistible. I was obliged to turn +on one side to prevent discovering my impulse to laughter. The captain, I +have since learned, turned out to be a broken-down blackleg, seeking to +patch up a diminished fortune by a matrimonial alliance, in which he was +only foiled by a discovery just time enough to prevent his design upon +Miss Eliza.” + </p> +<p> +“Mere butterflies,” exclaimed Dashall, “that flutter for a time in sunshine +with golden wings, to entrap attention, while the rays fall upon them, and +then are seen no more! but I always like your descriptions, although you +are usually severe.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link4image-0004"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page386.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page386 at a Party "><br> +</div> +<p> +“As soon as I could recover my solemnity, I found a little gentleman, who +reminded me strongly of cunning little Isaac in the Duenna, advancing +towards Miss Amelia with true dancing-master-like precision. I soon +discovered, by her holding up her fan at his approach, that she held him +in utter aversion, and found he received a reply very derogatory to his +wishes; when stepping up to her by the introduction of my friend, I +succeeded m obtaining her hand for the dance, to the great mortification +and discomfiture of Mr. O'Liltwell, who was no other than an Irish +dancing-master in miniature. There is always room enough for observation +and conjecture upon such occasions. There were, however, other characters +in the rooms more particularly deserving of notice. In one corner I found +Lord Anundrum, the ex-amateur director, m close conversation with Mr. +Splitlungs, a great tragedian, and Tom Little, the great poet, on the +subject of a new piece written by the latter, and presented for acceptance +to the former by. Mr. Splitlungs, the intermediate friend of both. I +discovered the title of this master-piece of dramatic literature to be no +other than 'The Methodical Madman, or Bedlam besieged.' A little further +on sat Dr. Staggerwit, who passes for a universal genius: he is a great +chemist, and a still greater gourmand, moreover a musician, has a hand in +the leading Reviews, a share m the most prominent of the daily papers; is +president of several learned institutions, over the threshold of which he +has never passed, and an honorary member of others which have long been +defunct: he appeared to be absorbed in contemplation, and taking but +little notice of the gaieties by which he was surrounded. My friend +informed me he was just then endeavouring to bring before Parliament his +<i>coup de maître</i>, which was a process for extracting a nourishing +diet for the poor from oyster shells.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[387]</span> “What the devil is the matter?” + exclaimed Dashall, thrusting his head out of the carriage window upon +hearing a sudden crash. +</p> +<p> +“Matter enough, your honour,” bawled an athletic Irishman in the habit of +a sailor; “by the powers, here's Peg Pimpleface, the costermonger's great +grand-daughter, at sea without a rudder or compass, upset in a squall, and +run bump ashore; and may I be chained to the toplights if I think either +crew or cargo can be saved.” + </p> +<p> +It appeared that Peg Pimpleface had been round Poplar, Limehouse, and +their vicinities, to sell her cargo of greens, potatoes, and other +vegetables; and having met with tolerable success, she had refreshed +herself a little too freely with the juniper, and driving her donkey-cart +towards Whitechapel, with a short pipe in her mouth, had dropped from her +seat among the remains of her herbage, leaving her donkey to the +uncontrolled selection of his way home. A Blackwall stage, on the way to +its place of destination, had, by a sudden jerk against one of the wheels +of Peg's crazy vehicle, separated the shafts from the body of the cart, +and the donkey being thus unexpectedly disengaged from his load, made the +best of his bargain, by starting at full speed with the shafts at his +heels, while the cart, by the violence of the concussion, lay in the road +completely topsy turvey; consequently Tom looked in vain for the fair +sufferer who lay under it. +</p> +<p> +“Poor Peg,” continued the Irishman, “by the powers, if her nose comes too +near the powder magazine, the whole concarn will blow up; and as I don't +think she is insured, I'll be after lending her a helping hand; “and with +this, setting his shoulders to the shattered machine, at one effort he +restored it to its proper position, and made a discovery of Peg +Pimpleface, with her ruby features close to a bunch of turnips, the +whiteness of which served to heighten in no small degree their effect: the +fall, however, had not left her in the most delicate situation for public +inspection; the latter part of her person presenting itself bare, save and +except that a bunch of carrots appeared to have sympathized in her +misfortune, and <span class="pagenum">[388]</span> kindly overshadowed her +brawny posteriors. As she lay perfectly motionless, it was at first +conjectured that poor Peg was no longer a living inhabitant of this world: +it was, however, soon ascertained that this was not the fact, for the +Hibernian, after removing the vegetables, and adjusting her clothes, took +her up in his arms, and carried her with true Irish hospitality to a +neighbouring public-house, where seating her, she opened her eyes, which +being black, shone like two stars over the red protuberance of her face. +</p> +<p> +“By J———s,” says Pat, “Peg's a brilliant of the first +water; give her a glass of max, and she'll be herself in two minutes:” at +the sound of this, animation was almost instantaneously restored, and Tom +and his friends having ascertained that she had sustained no bodily harm, +gave the generous Irishman a reward for his attentions, jumped into the +carriage, and proceeded on their journey. +</p> +<p> +They were not long on their journey to Black wall; where having arrived, +the first object of attention was the East India Docks, to which they were +introduced by Mr. M. an acquaintance of Dashall's. +</p> +<p> +“These Docks,” said Tom to his Cousin, “are a noble series of works, well +worthy of the Company which produced them, though they generally excite +less interest than the West India Docks, which are not far distant, and of +which we shall also have a sight.” + </p> +<p> +“It should be remembered,” observed Mr. M. “that these docks are solely +appropriated to the safe riding of East Indiamen. The import dock is 1410 +feet long, 560 wide, and 30 feet deep, covering an area of 18 acres and a +half. The export dock is 780 feet long, 520 feet wide, and 30 feet deep, +covering nine acres and a half, with good wharf, and warehouse room for +loading and unloading.” + </p> +<p> +“Pray,” said Bob, “what are those immense caravans, do they belong to the +shew-folk, the collectors of wild beasts and curiosities for exhibition at +the fair? or———” + </p> +<p> +“They are vehicles of considerable utility, Sir,” replied Mr. M.; “for by +means of those covered waggons, all the goods and merchandize of the East +India Company are conveyed to and from their warehouses in town, under +lock and key, so as to prevent fraud and smuggling. They are very +capacious, and although they have a heavy and cumbrous appearance, they +move along the road <span class="pagenum">[389]</span> with more celerity +than may be imagined; and the high wall with which the docks are +surrounded, prevents the possibility of any serious peculation being +carried on within them. The Company are paid by a tonnage duty, which they +charge to the owners. Coopers, carpenters, and blacksmiths, are +continually employed in repairing the packages of goods, landing, and +snipping; and a numerous party of labourers are at all times engaged in +conveying the merchandize to and from the shipping, by which means +hundreds of families are provided for. The Company is established by Act +of Parliament, and for the convenience of the merchants they have an +office for the transaction of business in town.” + </p> +<p> +“It is a very extensive concern,” said Tallyho, “and is doubtless of very +great utility.” + </p> +<p> +Having satisfied themselves by looking over these extensive works, Mr. M. +informed them, that adjoining the Docks was a ship-building yard, formerly +well known as Perry's Yard, but now the property of Sir Robert Wigram. +“Probably you would like to take a view round it.” + </p> +<p> +To this having replied in the affirmative, they were quickly introduced. +</p> +<p> +“Sir Robert,” said Mr. M. “has been, and I believe still is, a +considerable managing owner of East India Shipping, whose fortune appears +to have advanced as his family increased, and perhaps few men have +deserved better success; he was born at Wexford, in Ireland, in the year +1744, and was brought up under his father to the profession of a surgeon: +he left Ireland early in life, to pursue his studies in England, and +afterwards obtained an appointment as surgeon of an East Indiaman, and +remained some years in the service: he married Miss Broadhurst, the +youngest daughter of Francis Broadhurst, of Mansfield, in Nottinghamshire, +an eminent tanner and maltster; soon after which he commenced his career +as owner of East India Shipping. The General Goddard, commanded by William +Taylor Money, Esq. sailed under his management, and was fortunate enough +during the voyage to capture eight Dutch East Indiamen, of considerable +value, off St. Helena; since which he has been one of the most eminent +ship-owners in the City of London.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[390]</span> “A proof,” said Sparkle, “of the +advantages to be derived from perseverance, and the active exercise of an +intelligent mind.” + </p> +<p> +“His first wife,” continued the informant, “died in the year 1786, leaving +him five children; and in the following year he married Miss Eleanor +Watts, daughter of John Watts, Esq. of Southampton, many years Secretary +to the Victualling Office, who is the present Lady Wigram, the benevolence +of whose heart, and gentleness of manners, have not only endeared her to +her husband, but gained her the esteem and regard of all who know her, and +by this lady he has had seventeen children.” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds!” said Bob, “a man ought to have a mine of wealth to support such +a numerous progeny.” + </p> +<p> +“They are, however, all of them well provided for; and Sir Robert has the +happiness, at an advanced age, to find himself the father of a happy +family; he rejoices once a year to have them all seated at his own table; +and has in many instances surprised his friends by an introduction. It is +related, that a gentleman from the Isle of Wight met him near the +Exchange, and after mutual salutations were passed, he invited the +gentleman to dine with him, by whom an excuse was offered, as he was not +equipped for appearing at his table. 'Nonsense,' said Sir Robert, 'you +must dine with me; and I can assure you there will be only my own family +present, so come along.' Guess the surprise of his visitor, on being +introduced to a large party of ladies and gentlemen. He was confused and +embarrassed. He begged pardon, and would have retired, declaring that Sir +Robert had informed him that none but his own family were to be present. +This Sir R. affirmed he had strictly adhered to, and introduced his friend +to his sons and daughters by name, which it may fairly be presumed, though +it explained, did not exactly tend to decrease his visitor's +embarrassment.” + </p> +<p> +“And these premises,” inquired Bob, “belong to the man you have +described?” + </p> +<p> +“The same,” said Mr. M.; “they are managed and conducted under the +superintendence of two of his sons. Here, East India ships are built, +launched, and repaired: there are two on the stocks now of considerable +magnitude; the premises are extensive and commodious, and that high +building which you see is a mast-house, and the other buildings about the +yard are devoted to sail lofts, and shops for the various artizans, +requisite to complete the <span class="pagenum">[391]</span> grand design +of building and fitting out a ship for sea. From this yard you have a fine +view over the marshes towards Woolwich, and also a commanding prospect of +Greenwich Hospital. The various vessels and boats passing and repassing at +all times, give variety to the scene before you; and when a launch takes +place, the whole neighbourhood represents something of the nature of a +carnival; the river is covered with boats filled with company, and every +part of the shore near the spot from which the magnificent piece of +mechanism is to burst upon its native element, is equally occupied; +temporary booths are erected upon each side of what is termed the cradle, +for the accommodation of invited visitors; bands play as she moves, and a +bottle of wine is thrown at her head as she glides from the stocks, when +her name is pronounced amidst the universal shouts of huzza.” + </p> +<p> +“It must be a most gratifying sight,” observed Bob, “to see her cleave the +watery world; indeed it is a very pleasing view we have already had of +these floating castles, though I must also remark, that your descriptions +have added greatly to the enjoyment, and I think we are much indebted for +your kindness.” + </p> +<p> +They now parted with Mr. M.; and after refreshing with a glass of wine and +a sandwich at the Plough, they proceeded to the West India Docks, the +entrance to which required no introduction. “Here,” said Dashall, “you +will find a much longer space occupied than at the East India Docks. These +were undertaken according to an Act of Parliament passed in 1799, and the +place was formerly called the Isle of Dogs, though it might almost as +appropriately have been called the Isle of Boys. Upon the wharfs and quays +adjoining, all West India ships unload and load their cargoes.” + </p> +<p> +“And exclusively, I suppose,” interrogated Tallyho, “for the accommodation +of West India Shipping?” + </p> +<p> +“Exactly so,” continued Tom; “the West India Trade generally arrives in +fleets, and formerly used to create much crowding, confusion, and damage +in the river; but these ships being now disposed of in the docks, the +overgrown trade of the port is carried on with pleasure and convenience; +for notwithstanding they have occasioned a very important trade to be +removed to a considerable and even inconvenient distance from the +metropolis, yet the advantages to the Port of London are upon the whole +incalculable. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[392]</span> “The Northern Dock for unloading +inwards is 2600 by 510 feet, and 29 feet deep, covering a space of 30 +acres, and capable of containing from two to three hundred sail of +vessels, in greater security than the river could afford them; and the +West India Dock Company are reimbursed for the accommodation by a tonnage +of 6s. upon the burthen of every ship which enters the docks; besides +which they are entitled to charge for wharfage, landing, housing, +weighing, cooperage, and warehouse room; certain rates upon all goods that +are discharged, such as 8d. per cwt. upon sugar; 1d. per gallon upon rum; +Is. 6d. per cwt. upon coffee; 2s. 6d. per cwt. upon cotton, wool, &c.: +and all this immense business is conducted with a general order and +regularity which greatly facilitates the business of the merchant.” + </p> +<p> +“But,” said Sparkle, “I apprehend it subjects him to something more of +expense than he incurred by the former mode of proceeding.” + </p> +<p> +“I am not able decidedly to answer,” continued Tom; “but in the main, I +expect that if so, it is well worth what is paid to have the additional +security. The forms of conducting the business may sometimes be attended +with considerable trouble, but there are persons so well acquainted with +them by habitual practice, that there cannot be much difficulty at this +period. This is the Export Dock, which covers an area of 24 acres, and is +2600 by 400 feet, and 29 deep. The immense buildings round the two docks, +are warehouses for the reception of goods, and are of the most substantial +description; and to enable shipping in their passage up and down the +Thames to avoid the circuitous and inconvenient course round the Isle of +Dogs, a canal has been cut across this peninsula, through which, upon +paying certain moderate rates, all ships, vessels, and craft, are +permitted to pass in their passage up and down the river. In seeing this, +and the East India Docks, you have seen pretty well the nature of the +whole, for they are all of a similar construction, for similar purposes, +and under similar management: but we will now look in at the London Docks, +which are situated between Ratcliffe Highway and the Thames, then home to +dinner, and to dress for Lady M.'s party in the evening.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[393]</span> Thus saying, they took their way +towards the place he had mentioned. It would, however, be extending +description more than necessary, after the preceding observations of the +Hon. Tom Dashall, except to state that the Dock covers 20 acres of ground, +and is 1262 feet long, 699 feet wide, and 27 deep. The warehouses, +situated at the eastern extremity, are two in number, appropriated for the +reception of tobacco; the largest 762 feet long, and 160 feet wide, +equally divided by a strong partition wall, with double iron doors; the +smallest is 250 feet by 200. They consist of a ground floor and vaults, +the latter of which are devoted to the care and housing of wines, in which +are usually 5000 pipes. They are solely under the control of the Customs, +and the proprietors of the Docks have nothing more to do with them than to +receive the rent. Other warehouses are devoted to the reception of the +various articles of commerce, and the small buildings situated near the +edge are appropriated to counting-houses for clerks and officers, and for +weighing and pileing the goods, workshops, &c. as in the West India +Docks. The capital of the Company is about £2,000,000, and the ultimate +profits are limited to 10 per cent. The building was commenced in 1802, +and the grand dock was opened in 1805. In the immense subterraneous +caverns under the warehouses, all wines imported by the London merchant +are deposited, without paying the import duty, until it is fully disposed +of by the owner: a practice which is termed bonding, and saves the +proprietor the advance of the duty to government out of his capital. When +the merchant finds a person likely to become a purchaser, he directs a +written order to the cellarman, to peg certain pipes which are a part of +his stock, in order that the visitor may taste the various samples, and +select from them such as he is most agreeable to purchase.” + </p> +<p> +“And no small convenience, of course,” said Bon, “and of course the goods +are not allowed to be removed till the duties and charges are paid by the +purchaser.” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly,” was the reply; “they are held as a security for their +ultimate payment; but come, as we have already seen enough of docks, let +us make the best of our way home.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[394]</span> Upon arrival in Piccadilly, a letter +from Merrywell reminded Tom of his proposed journey to the country, with +the additional attraction of Merrywell's description of the parson's +daughter, whom he suggested might in all probability become his wife. +</p> +<p> +Sparkle likewise received a letter from home, reminding him of the +expectations entertained of his early arrival. After dinner the evening +was spent in the most agreeable and pleasant way, where our friends +engaged themselves with tripping it on the light fantastic toe at Lady +M.'s, till the beams of the morning darted upon them. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0016"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXX +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +I'm amaz'd at the signs +As I pass through the town, +To see the odd mixture, +“A Magpie and Crown,” + “The Whale and the Crow.” + “The Razor and Hen,” + “The Leg and Seven Stars,” + “The Bible and Swan,” + “The Axe and the Bottle,” + “The Tun and the Lute,” + “The Eagle and Child,” + “The Shovel and Boot.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[395]</span> The proposed time for departure having +pressed hard upon our friends, (who though determined to quit the gaieties +of London, still seemed to linger, like the moth about the candle, +unwilling to separate themselves from its delights,) preparations were at +length decided and acted upon; the Hon. Tom Dashall having ordered his +servants to proceed on the road with the carriage, horses, and other +appendages of his rank, giving time for arrival at the place of +destination by easy stages, in order to avoid over fatiguing either his +attendants or his horses, an example which was followed by Sparkle and +Tallyho, who had mutually agreed to travel by the Mail; for which purpose +places were accordingly taken at the Bull and Mouth, which being announced +to Tallyho, he took occasion to ask his Cousin for an explanation of so +singular a sign for an Inn. +</p> +<p> +“As far as I am able to learn,” replied Tom, “it was originally the Mouth +of Boulogne Harbour, or Boulogne Mouth,—and from thence corrupted to +the Bull and Mouth. There are, however, many curious signs, to trace the +original derivation of which, has afforded me many amusing moments during +my perambulation through the streets of the metropolis; indeed it has +often struck me, that the signs in many instances are so opposite to the +several professions they are intended to designate, that some remedy +should certainly be applied.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[396]</span> “And how,” said Sparkle, “would you +propose to have the exhibition of signs regulated?” + </p> +<p> +“That,” said Dashall, “as a subject of deep importance, ought to be +subjected to the legislative body for decision: it will be enough for me +to point out a few instances which have come under my own immediate +notice. +</p> +<p> +“A short time back, as I was passing near Smithfield, I was surprised at +observing the sign of 'The Cow and Snuffers;' and whilst I was +endeavouring to throw some light upon this subject, and puzzling myself in +endeavouring to discover how it was possible for a Cow to snuff a Candle, +or even a farthing rushlight; nay, even how it could happen that so +strange an association should take place, I was diverted from my study on +turning round, to find that some artist had exercised his ingenuity in +painting a Goat in Jack Boots. At first I conceived this must be intended +as a satire on our old debauchees, many of whom hide their spindled shanks +in the tasselled hessian. These proving inexplicable to my shallow +understanding, I pursued my walk, and observed against a strong newbuilt +house—'A Hole in the Wall;' and not far from the Fleet Prison, I +perceived, with some surprise, 'A Friend at Hand.' Over a house kept by +Nic. Coward, I saw 'The Fighting Cocks;' and at a crimping rendezvous, +remarked, 'The Tree of Liberty.'—'The Jolly Gardeners' were stuck up +at a purl house; and I can assure you, it was with much mortification I +detected 'The Three Graces' at a gin shop.” + </p> +<p> +“Ha, ha, ha,” said Tallyho, laughing, “very natural combinations of +characters and subjects for a contemplative philosopher like yourself to +exercise your ingenuity upon.” + </p> +<p> +“Passing by a public-house,” continued Tom, “the landlady of which was +exercising her tongue with the most clamorous volubility, I could scarcely +credit my eyes to find the sign of 'The Good Woman,' or, in other words, a +woman without a head. Entering a house for refreshment, I was told, after +calling the waiter for near an hour, that I was at the sign of 'The Bell;' +and upon desiring the master of 'The Hen and Chickens,' to send <span +class="pagenum">[397]</span> me home a fine capon, he shewed me some +cambric, and assured me it was under prime cost. The most ominous sign for +a customer, I thought, was 'The Three Pigeons;' and I own it was with +considerable astonishment when, after ordering a bed at 'The Feathers,' I +was compelled to pass the night on a straw mattrass. I have breakfasted at +?The Red Cow,' where there was no milk to be had; and at the sign of 'The +Sow and Pigs,' have been unable to procure a single rasher of bacon. At +?The Bell Savage,' (which by the way is said to be a corruption of La +Belle Sauvage, or 'The Beautiful Savage,') I have found rational and +attentive beings; and I have known those who have bolted through 'The Bolt +in Tun,' in order to avoid being bolted in a prison.” + </p> +<p> +“Vastly well, indeed,” exclaimed Sparkle; “and after all there is much to +be done by a sign as well as by an advertisement in the newspapers, +however inappropriate. The custom is of very ancient date, having been +made use of even by the Romans; and not many years back a bush of ivy, or +a bunch of grapes, was used for the purpose; nay, to the present day they +may be met with in many places. The Bush is perhaps one of the most +ancient of public-house signs, which gave rise to the well-known proverb, +</p> +<p> +“Good wine needs no bush.” + </p> +<p> +That is to say, it requires nothing to point out where it is sold. At +country fairs, you will frequently see the houses in its vicinity +decorated with a Bush or a Bough, from which they are termed Bough Houses, +where accommodation may be found. This practice, I know, is still in use +at Boroughbridge, in Yorkshire, during their annual fair in June, which +lasts a week or ten days. But putting up boughs as a sign of any thing to +be sold, was not confined to alehouses; for in old times, such as sold +horses were wont to put flowers or boughs upon their heads, to reveal that +they were vendible.{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 In all probability from this practice originated the well +known proverb, + +“As fine as a horse,” + +an illustration of which, from the “Life of Mrs. +Pilkington,” is here subjoined:— + +“They took places in the waggon for Chester, and quitted +London early on May morning; and it being the custom on the +first of this month to give the waggoner at every Inn a +ribbon to adorn his team, she soon discovered the origin of +the proverb 'as fine as a horse;' for before they got to +the end of the journey, the poor beasts were almost blinded +by the tawdry party-coloured flowing honours of their +heads.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[398]</span> In Scotland, a wisp of straw upon a +pole, is or was some years ago the indication of an alehouse; and to this +day a ship or vessel for sale may be discovered by a birch broom at the +mast head. I remember reading, that in Fleet Market, on the eastern side, +there were some small houses, with a sign post, representing two hands +conjoined, with words, “Marriages performed within” written beneath them, +whilst a dirty fellow assailed the ears of the passengers with the +reiterated and loud address of, “Sir, will you walk in and be married,” + (as if the dread of any stoppage in the trade of conjugality was +threatening mankind with premature extinction,) and the parson was seen +walking before his shop, ready to couple you for a dram of gin or a roll +of tobacco.” + </p> +<p> +“Those were the times for getting married,” exclaimed Bob, “no affidavits, +certificates, and exposures at church doors!” + </p> +<p> +“No,” continued Sparkle, “those are signs of altered times. A witty +wigmaker adopted the sign of Absolom hanging to a tree, with King David +lamenting at a distance, who was represented with a label issuing from his +mouth, containing these words— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“O Absolom! my Son! my Son! +Had'st thou a peruke worn, thou had'st not been undone.” + </div> +<p> +This sign, if I remember right, was to be seen a few years since in +Union-street, Borough, and is not uncommon even now in France, where you +may also find the 'Cochon sans Tete,' (the pig without a head,) which is +generally a restaurateur's sign, indicating that 'good pork is here—the +useless animal's head is off,' illustrative of the Negro's opinion of a +pig in England—“de pig,” said Mungo, “is de only gentleman in +England—man workee, woman workee, horse workee, ass workee, ox +workee, and dog workee—pig do nothing but eat and sleep—pig +derefore de only gentleman in England.'” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[399]</span> The conversation increased in interest +as they proceeded, and Tallyho was all attention; for it must be observed, +that as his inquiry had occasioned it, he was willing to listen to all +that could be advanced on the subject; and the Hon. Tom Dashall determined +to have his share in the explanation. +</p> +<p> +“The 'Man in the Moon,'” said he, “is derived from the old observation, +that a tipsy person is 'in the wind,' or 'in the moon,' (a lunatic.) The +sign may therefore be thought to give this advice, 'Here is good drink, +gentlemen, walk in and taste it; it will make you as happy as the man in +the moon; that is to say, steep your senses in forgetfulness.'—'The +Bag of Nails' was the sign of an Inn at Chelsea, which may perhaps be +noticed as the <i>ne plus ultra</i> of ludicrous corruption, having +originally been a group of <i>Bacchanals</i>.” + </p> +<p> +Here risibility could no longer be restrained, and a general laugh ensued. +</p> +<p> +“A group of Bacchanals, however,” continued Tom, “is certainly not an out +of the way sign for an Inn, nor do I conceive its corruption so very <i>outre'</i>, +when we look at others that have suffered much stranger metamorphoses; for +who would have thought that time could have performed such wonderful +changes as to have transformed a view of Boulogne Harbour into a Black +Bull, and a tremendous mouth sufficiently large to swallow its neighbours, +horns and all; or the name La Belle Sauvage, or Beautiful Savage, into a +bell, and a gigantic wild man of the woods.” + </p> +<p> +“Then again,” said Sparkle, “taking up the subject, “the pole and bason, +though no longer the exhibited emblems of a barber's occupation in London, +are still very often to be met with in its environs and in the country, +where they are ostentatiously protruded from the front of the house, and +denote that one of those facetious and intelligent individuals, who will +crop your head or mow your beard, 'dwelleth here.' Like all other signs, +that of the barber is of remote antiquity, and has been the subject of +many learned conjectures: some have conceived it to originate from the +word poll, or head; but the true intention of the party-coloured staff, +was to indicate that the master of the shop practised surgery, and could +breathe a vein, as well as shave a beard; such a staff being to this day +used by practitioners, and put into the hand of the patient while +undergoing the operation of phlebotomy: the white band, which no doubt you +have observed encompassing the staff, was meant to represent the fillet, +thus elegantly twined about it. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[400]</span> “And this,” said Sparkle, “appears to +be the most reasonable conjecture of any I ever heard, as it is well known +the two businesses were in former times incorporated together, and the +practiser was termed 'A Barber Surgeon.' Then as to their utility: the +choice of a witty device, or splendid enluminure, was formerly thought of +great consequence to a young beginner in the world; and I remember reading +of an Innkeeper at Cassel, who having considerably profited by his +numerous customers under the sign of 'The Grey Ass,' supposing himself +well established in his trade and his house, began to be tired of the +vulgar sign over his door, and availed himself of the arrival of the +Landgrave of Hesse, to make (as he thought) a very advantageous change. In +an evil hour, therefore, 'The Grey Ass' was taken down and thrown aside, +in order to give place to a well painted and faithful likeness of the +Prince, which was substituted for it as a most loyal sign. +</p> +<p> +“A small and almost unfrequented house in the same town, immediately took +up the discarded sign, and speculatively hoisted 'The Grey Ass.' What was +the consequence? Old codgers, married men with scolding Avives at home, +straggling young fellows, and all the 'fraternity of free topers,' +resorted to the house, filled the tap-room, crammed the parlour, and +assailed the bar: the Grey Ass had the run, and was all the vogue; whilst +the venerable Prince of Hesse swung mournfully and deserted at the other +place, and enticed no visitors, foreign or domestic; for it should be +observed, that 'The Grey Ass' had such reputation all over Germany, that +every foreign nobleman or gentleman who came to Cassel, was sure to order +his coach or chaise to be driven to the inn of that name; and this order +of course was still continued, for how was it to be known by travellers +coming from Vienna, Hungary, or Bohemia, that a certain innkeeper at +Cassel had altered his sign? To the inn, therefore, which was denominated +?The Grey Ass,' they still went. +</p> +<p> +“What could the poor deserted innkeeper do in such a case? To deface the +fine portrait of his master, would have been high treason; yet losing his +customers on the other hand was downright starvation. In this cruel +dilemma he dreamt of a new scheme, and had it executed. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[401]</span> The portrait of the Prince was +preserved, but he had written under it, in large characters, +</p> +<p> +?This is the Original Grey Ass.' +</p> +<p> +“Excellent!” exclaimed the Hon. Tom Dashall, “though I must confess you +have travelled a long way for your illustration, which is quite sufficient +to shew the utility of signs. But I would ask you if you can explain or +point out the derivation of many we have in London—such for instance +as 'The Pig and Tinder-Box'—'The Prad and Blower'—'The Bird +and Baby'—'The Tyrant and Trembler'—'The Fist and Fragrance'” + </p> +<p> +“Hold,” cried Sparkle, “I confess I am not quite so learned.” + </p> +<p> +“They are novel at least,” observed Tallyho, “for I do not recollect to +have met with any of them.” + </p> +<p> +“Ha, ha, ha!” exclaimed Tom, “then you are not fly, and I must add +something to your stock of knowledge after all. The Pig and Tinder-Box is +no other than the Elephant and Castle—The Prad and Blower, the Horse +and Trumpeter—The Bird and Baby, the Eagle and Child—The +Tyrant and Trembler, the Lion and Lamb—The Fist and Fragrance, the +Hand and Flowers. Then we have the Book, Bauble, and holler, which is +intended to signify the Bible, Crown, and Cushion.” + </p> +<p> +At this moment a thundering knock at the door announced a visitor, and put +an end to their conversation. +</p> +<p> +In a few minutes a letter was delivered to Dashall, which required an +immediate answer: he broke the seal, and read as follows:— +</p> +<p> +“Dear Tom, “Come to me immediately—no time to be lost—insulted +and abused—determined to fight Bluster—You must be my second—I'll +blow his blustering brains out at one pop, never fear. At home at 7, dine +at half-past; don't fail to come: I will explain all over a cool bottle of +claret—then I shall be calm, at present I am all fire and fury—don't +fail to come—half-past seven to a moment on table. You and I alone—toe +to toe, my boy—I'll finish him, and remain, as ever, +</p> +<p> +“Yours, sincerely, +</p> +<p> +“Lionel Laconic.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[402]</span> “Here's a breeze,” said Tom; “desire +the messenger to say I shall attend at the appointed hour. Death and the +devil, this defeats all previous arrangement; but Laconic is an old +college friend, whom I dare not desert in a moment of emergency. I fear I +shall not be able, under such circumstances, to leave town so early as was +proposed.” + </p> +<p> +“Sorry for it,” replied Sparkle, “and more sorry to be deprived of your +company now our time is so short; however, I depart according to the time +appointed.” + </p> +<p> +“And I,” said Tallyho, “having no honorable business to detain me in town, +intend to accompany you.” + </p> +<p> +“If that be the case,” said Tom, “I may perhaps be almost obliged to delay +a few days, in order to adjust this difference between Bluster and +Laconic, and will follow at the earliest moment. It is, however, a duty we +owe each other to render what assistance we can in such cases.” “I +thought,” continued Tallyho, “you were no friend to duelling.” + </p> +<p> +“By no means,” was the reply; “and that is the very reason why I think it +necessary to delay my departure. I know them both, and may be able to +bring matters to an amicable conclusion; for to tell you the truth, I +don't think either of them particularly partial to the smell of powder; +but of that I shall be able to inform you hereafter; for the present +excuse me—I must prepare for the visit, while you prepare yourselves +for your departure.” + </p> +<p> +Sparkle and Tallyho wished Tom a pleasant evening, took their dinner at +the Bedford Coffee-house, and spent the evening at Covent-Garden Theatre, +much to their satisfaction, though not without many anticipations as to +the result of their friend's interference between the two hot-headed +duellists. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0017"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXXI +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“The music, and the wine, +The garlands, the rose odours, and the flowers, +The sparkling eyes, and flashing ornaments, +The white arms, and the raven hair—the braids +And bracelets—swan-like bosoms, and the necklace, +An India in itself, yet dazzling not the eye +Like what it circled. + +All the delusions of the gaudy scene, +Its false and true enchantments—all which +Swam before the giddy eyes.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[403]</span> Dashall being wholly occupied by the +unexpected affair noticed in our last Chapter, had left his Cousin and +friends to amuse themselves in the best way they could, prior to the +completion of the necessary arrangements for quitting the metropolis. The +party were undecided upon what object to fix their choice, or how to bend +their course; and while warmly discussing the subject, were suddenly +interrupted by the appearance of Gayfield, who learning that Dashall was +from home, and upon what occasion, broke out with his usual volubility. +</p> +<p> +“Well, these affairs of honor certainly are imperious, and no doubt ought +to take precedence of every thing else. My object in calling was chiefly +to give him a description of the Countess of ———'s rout +on Saturday last, in Berkeley-square, where I intimated I should be, when +I last fell in with him. '<i>Oh Ciélo Empireo</i>.' I'm enchanted yet, +positively enchanted! I ought to have Petrarch's pen to describe such a +scene and such dresses. Then should a robe of Tulle vie with that of Laura +at the church door—that dress of '<i>Vert parsemée de violets</i>.' +But softly, let us begin with the beginning, <i>Bélier mon ami</i>. What a +galaxy of all the stars of fashion! It was a paradise of loveliness, fit +for Mahomet. All the beauties of the Georgian Æra were present. Those real +graces, their Graces of A——— and R——— +were among the number. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[404]</span> The Countess of L——— +and Lady F——— O——— would make one cry +heresy when the poets limit us to a single Venus. And then the Lady P———'s. +Heaven keep us heart-whole when such stars rain their soft influence upon +us. As to the Countess of B———, with her diamond tiara, +and eyes brighter than her diamonds, she looked so goddess-like, that I +was tempted to turn heathenish and worship. Indeed, that bright eyes +should exert their brilliancy amid the dazzling brightness of our fair and +elegant hostess's rooms, is no trifle. Dancing commenced at eleven; and, +although my vanity allured me to think that the favorable glances of more +than one would-be partner were directed towards me, I felt no inclination +to sport a toe in the absence of Lady L. M. By-the-by, Count C——— +told me, with a profusion of foreign compliment, that I and the 'observed +of all observers,' Lord E———h, were the best drest male +personages at the rout. +</p> +<p> +Thanks to the magical operation of the Schneider, who makes or mars a man. +</p> +<p> +“The <i>coup d'oil</i> of the scene was charming. <i>Cétoit un vrai délice</i>—that +atmosphere of light, of fragrance, and of music—gratifying all the +senses at once. Oh! what bosoms, arms, and necks were thronging round me! +Phidias, had he attempted to copy them, would have forgotten his work to +gaze and admire. Description fails in picturing the <i>tout ensemble</i>,—the +dazzling chandeliers blazing like constellations—the richly +draperied <i>meubles</i>—the magnificent dresses—and then so +many eyes, like stars glittering round one; like 'Heaven,' as Ossian says, +?beaming with all its fires.' +</p> +<p> +“In the midst of my admiration, I was accosted by Caustic, and expressed +my surprise at finding him in such a scene—'A rout,' he replied, 'is +just one of those singular incoherences which supply me with laughter for +a month. Was there ever such a tissue of inconsistencies assembled as in +these pleasure hunts? On stepping from your carriage, you run the gauntlet +through two lines of quizzing spectators, who make great eyes, as the +French term it, at you, and some of whom look as if they took a fancy to +your knee buckles. A double row of gaudy footmen receive you in the +blazing hall, and make your name echo up the stairs, as you ascend, in a +voice of thunder. Your <i>tête s'exalte</i>, and when you expect to be +ushered into the Temple of Fame, you find yourself embedded (pardon the +metaphor) in a <i>parterre</i> of female beauty.' +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[405]</span> “As for me,” I replied, interrupting +the satirist, “I delight in such things. I believe that fashion, like +kings, can do no wrong.” + </p> +<p> +“And so you would rather have your ribs beat in, than your name left out. +But look round you, in God's name! what is the whole scene but & +fashionable mob met together to tread on each other's heels and tear each +other's dresses? Positively, you cannot approach the mistress of the +mansion to pay those common courtesies which politeness in all other cases +exacts. And how so many delicate young creatures can bear a heat, pressure +and fatigue, which would try the constitution of a porter, is <i>incroyable</i>. +Talk of levelling! This 'is the chosen seat of <i>égalité</i>.' All +distinctions of age, grace, rank, accomplishment, and wit, are lost in the +midst of a constantly accumulating crowd. What nerves but those of pride +and vanity, can bear the heat, the blaze of light, the buzz of voices +above, and the roar of announcements from below?” + </p> +<p> +“While Caustic was speaking, his reasoning received a curious and apposite +illustration. Three or four ladies near us began fainting, or affected to +faint, and hartshorn and gentlemen's arms were in general requisition. +Notwithstanding his acerbity, Caustic, like a preux chevalier, pressed +forward to offer his aid where the pressure was most oppressive, and where +the fainting ladies were dropping by dozens, like ripe fruit in autumn. As +for myself, I was just in time to receive in my arms a beautiful girl who +was on the point of sinking, and, being provided with hartshorn, my +assistance was so effectual, with the aid of a neighbouring window, that I +had the satisfaction of restoring her in a few minutes to her friends, who +did all they could, by crowding round her with ill-timed condolements, to +prevent her recovery. By this time the rest of the ladies took warning +from these little misadventures to retire. Caustic, in his sardonic way, +would insist upon it, that they retired to avoid that exposure of defects +in beauty, which the first ray of morning produces. I took my <i>congé</i> +among the rest, and found the hubbub which attended my entrance, increased +to a tenfold degree of violence at my exit; for the uproar of calling 'My +Lord This's carriage,' and 'My Lady That's chair,' was nothing in +comparison to the noise produced <span class="pagenum">[406]</span> by +servants quarrelling, police officers remonstrating, carriages cracking, +and linkboys hallooing. Some of the mob had, it appeared, made an +irruption into the hall, to steal what great-coats, cocked hats, or +pelisses they could make free with. This was warmly protested against by +the footmen and the police, and a regular set-to was the consequence. +Through this 'confusion worse confounded' I with difficulty made my way to +the carriage, and was not sorry, as the slang phrase is, to make myself +scarce.” + </p> +<p> +The party could not feel otherwise than amused by Gayfield's description +of the rout; and the conversation taking a turn on similar subjects, +Sparkle, ever ambitious of displaying his talent for descriptive humour, +gave the following sketch of a fashionable dinner party:— +</p> +<p> +“I went with Colonel A———, by invitation, to dine with +Lord F., in Portman Square. Lord F. is a complete gentleman; and, though +sadly inconvenienced by the gout, received me with that frank, cordial, +and well-bred ease which always characterizes the better class of the +English nobility. The company consisted of two or three men of political +eminence; Lord Wetherwool, a great agriculturist; Viscount Flash, an +amateur of the Fancy; Lord Skimcream, an ex-amateur director of a winter +theatre; Lord Flute, an amateur director of the Opera, whose family motto, +by a lucky coincidence, is '<i>Opera non Verba</i>.' There were, moreover, +Mr. Highsole, a great tragedian, and my friend Tom Sapphic, the dandy +poet; one of those bores, the 'Lions' of the season. He had just brought +out a new tragedy, called the 'Bedlamite in Buff,' under the auspices of +Lord Skimcream; and it had been received, as the play-bills announced, +with 'unprecedented, overwhelming, and electrifying applause.' Of course I +concluded that it would live two nights, and accounted for the dignified +<i>hauteur</i> of my friend Tom's bow, as he caught my eye, by taking into +consideration the above-named unprecedented success. There was also +present the universal genius, Dr. Project, to whom I once introduced you. +He is a great chymist, and a still greater <i>gourmand</i>; moreover, a +musician; has a hand in the leading reviews; a share in the most prominent +of the daily papers. “Little was said till the wine and desert were +introduced; and then the conversation, as might naturally be expected from +the elements of which the party was composed, split itself into several +subdivisions. As I sat <span class="pagenum">[407]</span> next to Colonel +A., I had the advantage of his greater familiarity with the personages at +table. Lord Wetherwool was as absurd as he could possibly be on the +subject of fattening oxen. Lord Flute and Viscount Flash laid bets on the +celerity of two maggots, which they had set at liberty from their +respective nut-shells. The noble ex-director, Highsole and Sapphic, were +extremely warm in discussing the causes of the present degradation of the +stage; each shuffling the responsibility from the members of their own +profession and themselves. Dr. Project entertained his noble host with an +interminable dissertation upon oxygen, hydrogen, and all the <i>gens</i> +in the chemical vocabulary; for patience in enduring which his Lordship +was greatly indebted to his preparatory fit of the gout. Meanwhile, the +lordling exquisites only fired off a few 'lady terms,' like minute guns +and 'angel visits,' with long intervals between, filling up the aforesaid +intervals by sipping Champagne and eating <i>bonbons</i>. The essence of +what they said, amounted to mutual wonder at the d———d +run of luck last night, in King-street; or mutual felicitation on the new +faces which had appeared that day, for the first time, among the old +standing beauties who charm Bond-street, at lounge hours, either in +curricle or on foot. For my part, I was attracted towards the discussion +of the dramatic trio, not because I affect, as the cant of the day is, to +have a particular attrait towards the <i>belles lettres</i>, but merely +because the more plebeian disputants were vociferous, (a thing not often +observed among fashionables) and <i>outré</i> in their gesticulations, +even to caricature. 'What do you think of their arguments?' I inquired, <i>sotte +voce</i>, of Colonel A. 'If we are to be decided by their conjoint +statements, no one is to blame for the degradation of the stage.' +</p> +<p> +“'They are all in the right,' returned he, '(excuse the paradox,) because +they are all in the wrong. There is a rottenness in the whole theatrical +system, which, unless it terminate, like manure thrown at the root of +trees, in some new fructification of genius, will end by rendering the +national theatres national nuisances. With reference to the interests of +literature, they are a complete hoax. To please the manager, the object +which the writer must have in view, he must not paint nature or portray +character, but write up, as the cant phrase is, to the particular forte of +Mr. So and So, or Miss Such-a-one. The consequence is, that the public get +only one species of fare, and that is pork, varied indeed, as broiled, +baked, roasted, and boiled; but still pork, nothing but pork.' +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[408]</span> “'But surely,' I rejoined, 'Mr. Sapphic +and Mr. Highsole are gentlemen of high acquirements, independently of +their several professions, or a nobleman of Lord F———'s +taste and discrimination—' +</p> +<p> +“'There you are falling into an error,' returned the colonel, interrupting +me; 'it is the fashion to introduce actors at the tables of our great men; +but, in my opinion, it is a 'custom more honored in the breach than the +observance.' I have known several good actors on the stage, very +indifferent actors in society, and large characters in the play-bills, as +well as loud thunders from the gods, may be earned by very stupid, very +vulgar, and very ill-bred companions. The same may be said of poets. We +are poor creatures at best, and the giant of a reviewer very often cuts +but a very sorry figure when left to the ricketty stilts of his own +unsupported judgment in a drawing-room. You are tolerably familiar with +our political parties; but you are yet to be acquainted with our literary +squads, which are the most bigotted, selfish, exclusive, arrogant, little +knots of little people it is possible to conceive.' +</p> +<p> +“By the time that Colonel A———had ended his short +initiation into these various arcana, the company broke up; the doctor to +give a lecture on egg-shells at the Committee of Taste; Lord Flute to +visit the Opera; Lord Skimcream to the Green Boom; Lord Flash to 'Fives +Court,' to see a set-to by candle-light; the exquisites to Bouge et Noir +or Almack's; and Lord Wetherwool to vote on an agricultural question, +without understanding a syllable of its merits. +</p> +<p> +“Nevertheless,” I soliloquized as I rode home, “his Lordship will be +surprised and gratified, I dare say, to find himself a perfect Demosthenes +in the newspaper reports of to-morrow morning. Hems, coughs, stammerings, +blowing of the nose, and ten-minute lapses of memory, all vanish in +passing through the sieves and bolters of a report. What magicians the +reporters are! What talents, what powers of language they profusely and +gratuitously bestow! Somnus protect me from hearing any but some half +dozen orators in both houses! The reader, who peruses the report, has only +the flour of the orator's efforts provided for him. But Lord help the +unfortunate patient in the gallery, who, hopeless of getting through the +dense mass which occupy the seats round him, is condemned to sit with an +?aching head,' and be well nigh choaked with the husks and the bran.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[409]</span> Our party felt so much amused by these +lively and characteristic pictures of real life among the Corinthians of +the Metropolis, that all thoughts of seeking amusement out of doors +appeared for the present relinquished; and Sparkle, to keep the subject +alive, resumed as follows. +</p> +<p> +“In order to give some shade and variety to this sketch of society in the +west, we will now, if agreeable, travel eastward as far as the entrance to +the City, where I will introduce you, in fancy, to what must (at least to +our friend Tallyho) afford both novelty and surprise. +</p> +<p> +“Some time ago, and before I was quite so well versed in the knowledge of +Life in London as at present, through the medium of one of the 'young men +of genius about town,' I became a member of a new philosophical society +called the Socratics, held at a certain house near Temple Bar. Having been +plucked by several kind friends, till I resembled the 'man of Diogenes,' I +concluded that here, at least, my pockets might be tolerably safe from the +diving of a friendly hand. Philosophers, I was told by my friend the +introducer, had souls above money; their thoughts were too sublime and +contemplative for such worldly-minded concerns. I should have a great deal +of instruction for little or nothing; I had only to pay my two guineas per +annum, and the business was done; the gate of science was open, and +nothing farther was requisite than to push forward and imitate Socrates. +But how strangely do our anticipations mislead our sober judgments! +</p> +<div class='pre'> +?Jove breaks the tallest stilts of human trust, +And levels those who use them with the dust.' +</div> +<p> +“The proprietor of the institution was rather courtier-like in making +promises, which the managers of course considered as much too common-place +and mechanical to be kept. It professed to exclude politics and religion +from the touch of its scientific paws; in other words, from its +discussions; but, alas! +</p> +<div class='pre'> +?It kept the word of promise to the ear +And broke it to the hope.' +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[410]</span> “The only subjects which it did not +exclude were politics and religion. Neither could it be said that either +of these subjects received more benefit from the way in which they were +handled, than a white dress would from the handling of a chimney-sweeper, +the first being made as black as possible in the form of Tom-Payneism, and +the latter served up in the improved shape of Hartleyism or Atheism. Under +such instruction it was scarcely possible but that I should, in process of +time, become qualified, not only for a philosopher, but a legislator of +the first water; and I had serious thoughts of offering my services, for +the purpose of drawing up a code of laws, to the Otaheitans or the +Calmucks. If I had gone on improving as I did, I might, perhaps, have +carried out to some Backwood settlement or Atlantic island, as pretty a +Utopian prescription, under the designation of a constitution, as could +well be desired in the most philosophical community. But one of those sad +trifles which suffocate great ideas, and sometimes terminate in +suffocating philosophers, put a stop to my further enlightenment for the +present, by drying up the treasury of the Socratics. The philosophers were +the most civil as well as the most unfortunate people in the world. One or +other of them was always in want of money, either to perfect some great +scheme, or to save him from the unscientific 'handling' of a bailiff. It +was enough to move a mile-stone, to think how the progress of improvement, +or 'march of mind,' as it is called, might be delayed by being too +cold-hearted; and it did move my purse to such a degree, that at length I +had the satisfaction of discerning truth, sitting sola, at the bottom of +it. My pocket consumption, however, was not instant, but progressive; it +might be called a slow fever. Some of the philosophers visited me for a +loan, like a monthly epidemy; others drained me like a Tertian; and one or +two came upon me like an intermittent ague, every other day. Among these +was Mr. Hoaxwell, the editor, as he called himself, of a magazine. This +fellow had tried a number of schemes in the literary line, though none had +hitherto answered. But he had the advantage and credit of shewing in his +own person, the high repute in which literature is held in London, for he +could seldom walk the streets without having two followers at his heels, +one of whom frequently tapped him on the shoulder, no doubt, to remind him +of mortality, like the slave in the <span class="pagenum">[411]</span> +Roman triumphs. The favourite thesis of this gentleman, was the 'march of +mind;' and on this subject he would spout his half hour in so effectual a +manner, as to produce two very opposite effects; viz. the closing of the +eyes of the elder philosophers, and the opening of mine, which latter +operation was usually rendered more effectual by his concluding inquiry of +?have you such a thing as a pound note about you?' +</p> +<div class='pre'> +To match this saint, there was another, +As busy and perverse a brother. +</div> +<p> +“This was the treasurer of the Socratics, Thomas Carney Littlego, Esq. and +a treasure of a treasurer he was. This gentleman was a pupil of +Esculapius, and united in his own person the various departments of +dentist, apothecary, and surgeon. It is presumed that he found the +employment of drawing the eye teeth of Philosophical Tyros more +profitable, and bleeding the young Socratics more advantageous, than +physicking his patients. In his lectures he advocated the system of +research, and admired deduction; and this I, among many others, had +reason, at last, to know. It was very odd, but so it was, that some two or +three hundred per annum, subscribed by the members of the society, +vanished into the worthy treasurer's pocket, as it were a Moskoestron, and +then disappeared for ever. +</p> +<p> +“Another of the Socratics was called Epictetus Moonshine, Esquire. This +gentleman was a tall spider-like man, with lantern jaws, hatchet face, and +a mouth—the chief characteristic of which was, that it made a +diagonal line from the bottom of the face to the eyebrow. He was a great +speculator, and had taken it into his head, that beyond the blue mountains +in New South Wales, was the real El Dorado. But as he possessed, according +to the usual phrase, more wit than money, and no one will discount a check +from the aforesaid wit on change, the zeal of Epictetus Moonshine, some +time after the breaking up of the Socratic institution for benefitting the +human race, so much got the better of self-love, that he committed several +petty larcenies in hopes of being transported thither; but whether his +courage or his luck failed him, certain it is that he never reached the +proper degree of criminality, and only succeeded in visiting by turns the +various penitentiaries in London and its vicinity. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[412]</span> “'You mistake greatly, Sir,' said he, +to one of the visiting governors of Bridewell, who condoled with a man of +his talents in such a position, 'if you think a residence in this +sequestered haunt a subject of regret. The mind, as Milton says, is its +own seat, and able of itself to make— +</p> +<div class='pre'> +?A heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.' +</div> +<p> +And now I am on the subject of stoicism, permit me to shew you a picture +which I have just chalked out, wherein I prove that there is no such thing +as pain in the world. That all which we now feel is imagination; that the +idea of body is deception. I have had it printed, —written in +fourteen languages, and presented to all the sovereigns of Europe, with a +new code of laws annexed to it. I'll bring it in a minute, if you'll +excuse me.' So saying, the pupil of Zeno disappeared, wrapping his blanket +round him; but other speculations of 'matters high' no doubt attracted him +from the remembrance of his promise, (just as he forgot to pay some score +pounds he borrowed of me) for the visitor saw no more of him. +</p> +<p> +“The mention of El Dorado brings to my recollection another member, Mr. +Goosequill, who came to town with half-a-crown in his pocket, and his +tragedy called the 'Mines of Peru,' by which he of course expected to make +his fortune. For five years he danced attendance on the manager, in order +to hear tidings of its being 'cast,' and four more in trying to get it +back again. During the process he was groaned, laughed, whistled, and +nearly kicked out of the secretary's room, who swore (which he well might +do, considering the exhausted treasury of the concern) that he knew +nothing about nor ever heard of the 'Mines of Peru.' At last Mr. +Goosequill, being shewn into the manager's kitchen, to wait till he was at +leisure, had the singular pleasure of seeing two acts of the 'Mines of +Peru,' daintily fastened round a savory capon on the spit, to preserve it +from the scorching influence of the fire. +</p> +<p> +“This was foul treatment, I observed, as he concluded his tale, and I +ventured to ask how he had subsisted in the meanwhile? 'Why,' said he, 'I +first made an agreement with a printer of ballads, in Seven Dials, who +finding my inclinations led to poetry, expressed his satisfaction, telling +me that one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam; +and another was become dozed with <span class="pagenum">[413]</span> +drinking drams. An agreement was made,' continued he, 'and I think I +earned five-pence halfpenny per week as my share of this speculation with +the muses. But as my profits were not always certain, I had often the +pleasure of supping with Duke Humphrey, and for this reason I turned my +thoughts to prose; and in this walk I was eminently successful, for during +a week of gloomy weather, I published an apparition, on the substance of +which I subsisted very comfortably for a month. I have often made a good +meal upon a monster. A rape has frequently afforded me great satisfaction, +but a murder well-timed was a never-failing resource.' +</p> +<p> +“But to return to the catastrophe of the Socratics: “By the time that the +philosophical experiments in 'diving without hydraulics' had cleaned me +entirely out, it was suggested that any thing in the shape of a loan would +be desirable; they were not nice—not they; a pair of globes; a set +of catoptric instruments; an electrical apparatus; a few antique busts; or +a collection of books for the library;—any old rum, as Jack.'said, +would do; and all and every of the before-mentioned loans would be most +punctually taken care of. And truly enough they were, for the lender was +never destined to cast an eye on any portion of the loan again. I was, +indeed, so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of my globes and instruments at +a pawnbroker's, and the fragments of my library at sundry book-stalls. It +was now high time to cut the connection, for the Socratics were rapidly +withdrawing. The association, for want of the true golden astringent, like +a dumpling without its suet, or a cheap baker's quartern loaf without its +?doctor,' (i.e. alum), was falling to pieces. The worthy treasurer had +retired, seizing on such articles as were most within reach; and when I +called upon him with my resignation, I had the pleasure of seeing my own +busts handsomely lining the walls of the toothdrawer's passage. I waited +on the Socratics for the Bums they had been so polite as to borrow.—One, +to shew that he had profited by studying Socrates, threatened to accuse me +and the society of a plot to overturn the government, if a syllable more +on so low a subject as money was mentioned. Another told me that he was +just going on a visit to Abbot's Park for three months, and should be glad +to see me when he came back. A third, an unwashed artificer,' was so kind +as to inform me that <span class="pagenum">[414]</span> he 'had just got +white-washed, and he did not care one straw for my black looks.' And a +fourth, an index-maker, when presented with his acceptance, kindly +indicated that he had not the slightest recollection of the thing, and +that, if I persisted in compelling payment, he would bring a philosophical +gentleman from Cold Bath Fields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear +that it was not his hand-writing. +</p> +<p> +“The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce, there +was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantly laying a +horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them reminded me of the +proverb—'Sue a beggar,' &c. To crack a <i>baculine</i> joke over +their sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosophers were +not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march of mind,' +and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat and the mud +from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch,' says Solomon, 'shall he not be +denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained in quiet possession of +the busts—the book-stall displayed the properly appreciated volumes—and +the Socratic borrowers took all the care in the world of 'value +received.'” + </p> +<p> +Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amusements out +of doors, was passed in animated and amusing conversation over the +hospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit and +humour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy god. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0018"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXXII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +In London, blest with competence. +With temper, health, and common sense, +None need repine or murmur—nay, +All may be happy in their way. +E'en the lone dwelling of the poor +And suffering, are at least obscure; +And in obscurity—exempt +From poverty's worst scourge—contempt. +Unmark'd the poor man seeks his den. +Unheeded issues forth again; +Wherefore appears he, none inquires, +Nor why—nor whither he retires. +All that his pride would fain conceal, +All that shame blushes to reveal; +The petty shifts, the grovelling cares, +To which the sous of want are heirs; +Those evils, grievous to be borne, +Call forth—not sympathy, but scorn; +Here hidden—elude the searching eye +Of callous curiosity. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[415]</span> The following morning was one of +unusual bustle, activity, and anxiety, the originally intended movements +of the party being thus unexpectedly interrupted. Dashall had arisen +before his usual hour, and departed from home before the appearance of +Sparkle and Bob to breakfast: it was, of course, supposed that the +promised duel would have decided the fate of one of the antagonists before +they should see him again. +</p> +<p> +In this conjecture, however, they were pleasingly disappointed by his +arrival about half past eleven o'clock. +</p> +<p> +“Well,” said Sparkle, “it is all over—who has fallen—which is +the man—how many shots—what distance—who was the other +second—and where is the wounded hero?” + </p> +<p> +“Nay,” said Tom, “you are before-hand with me; I have none of the +intelligence you require.—I have been in search of Lord Bluster, who +left town this very morning, three hours before my arrival, for Edinburgh; +and consesequently, I suppose, either has no intimation of Laconic's +intention to seek, or if he has—is determined to be out of the way +of receiving a regular challenge; so that, in all probability, it will +end, like many other duels, in smoke.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[416]</span> “Notwithstanding your friend's letter +was so full of fire,” observed Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“But perhaps he became more cool over a bottle of claret—toe to toe, +my boy,” continued Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +This conversation was interrupted by a letter, which being delivered to +Tom, he read aloud, interrupted only by laughter, which he could not +restrain. +</p> +<p> +“Dear Tom, “Don't like fighting in England—am off directly for Cork.—Tell +Bluster I'll wait there till he comes—but if he values his life, not +to come at all.—-Please do the needful in despatching my servants, +&c. within two days, for I am in such a passion I can't wait a moment.—So +adieu. +</p> +<p> +“Yours, sincerely, Laconic.” + </p> +<p> +“Excellent, upon my word,” said Sparkle; “here are two men of honour +determined upon meeting, running away from each other even before the +preliminaries are arranged.” + </p> +<p> +“There is novelty in it at least,” said Tom, “though I am by no means +astonished at the end of it; for I before observed, I do not think either +of them over fond of powder. Laconic pretended that nothing would satisfy +him but fighting immediately, provided Bluster was to be found: any person +to whom bis character was not known would have expected some spilling of +blood before this time. But it is now plain that this blustering was the +effect of the wine, and the man's cooler judgment has extinguished the +flame of his irritability.” + </p> +<p> +“I think,” said Tallyho, “it would be well to advise them to meet +half-seas over, and draw a cork together by way of settling their +differences.” + </p> +<p> +“Curse their differences,” replied Dashall, “I'll have nothing more to do +with them: upon the whole, I am glad now that I could not meet with +Bluster, or I should have looked like a fool between the two; and as it +is, I am not much pleased with the adventure, particularly as it must +necessarily delay me, and I hate the idea of travelling alone. I should +very much have liked to start with you; but as Laconic has made me fully +acquainted with his affairs, in case he should fall in the intended duel, +I must even comply with the contents of his note; though, if he had not +actually departed, you may rest assured I would have nothing to do with +him or his concerns.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[417]</span> “Come, come,” cried Sparkle, “grumbling +is of no use now; and as the circumstances are not made public, the +duellists will escape being laughed at. There is no harm done—we +must be upon the alert—we shortly bid adieu to London, and shall not +be so well pleased to leave you behind; but remember you promise to follow +as quickly as possible.—Now, how shall we dispose of the remainder +of the time?” + </p> +<p> +“Zounds,” replied Tom, “all my plans are deranged by this foolish affair +of Laconic's, and I can hardly tell which way to move.—However, I +shall not devote myself to his affairs to-day; therefore I am at your +service; and as time is but short with us, let us make good use of it. The +tragedy of the duel having ended most comically, I am prepared for any +thing farcical; therefore say the word, and I am your man for a toddle, +east, west, north, or south.” + </p> +<p> +Upon this intimation, our friends sallied forth upon a sort of Quixotic +excursion in search of adventures, for neither could make up his mind as +to the precise place of their destination, when the first object that +attracted their particular notice was a large printed bill, announcing to +the public, “That the sale at Fonthill Abbey, advertised for the 8th of +October, would not take place, in consequence of the property being +disposed of by private contract."{1} +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 The following appeared in the daily prints relating to +this valuable property:— + +“FONTHILL ABBEY. “The sale at this splendid mansion is not +to take place, the estate having been sold by private +contract; the purchaser is said to be Mr. Farquhar, a rich +East India merchant, who is reported to have given 330,000L. +for the property. It is stated that every article in the +Abbey goes with it, with the exception of the family plate +and pictures, and a very few favourite rarities. Possession +is to be taken immediately. The sale of the whole estate is +an event for which the people of the place seem to have been +totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the +beginning, that nothing was to be sold but the mere luxuries +of the place; but as to the Abbey, they universally +asserted, in the strongest manner, as if they had good +reason to be convinced of the thing, that Mr. Beck-ford +would as soon part with his life as with a residence which +he prized so dearly. Now, however, that they have heard from +the steward, that the estate has been sold, and that he has +received notice to quit his office in a fortnight, they +begin to feel that they have lost an excellent landlord. Mr. +Beckford has taken a house in town, in the New Road, where +he means chiefly to reside in future. Every body is aware +that the chief part of that princely income, which enabled +him to raise this expensive edifice from the foundation, was +derived from his paternal estates in the West Indies. Such +was the wealth which those estates at one time pro-duced, +that it obtained for his grandfather the distinction of +being considered the richest subject in Europe. For the last +ten years they have declined very materially, and several of +them have been entirely lost through a defect that has been +discovered in the title. The original purchaser obtained +these in the way of mort-gage, and having foreclosed them in +an untechnical manner, advantage has been taken of the +informality by the heirs of the mortgagors, and Mr. Beckford +has been dispossessed. The defence of his title, and the +other consequences, involved him in losses and vast +expenses; besides which, the revenue from his unquestionable +estates in those islands has declined to less than one-tenth +of what it formerly was. Mr. Farquhar, the gentleman who is +reported to have purchased Fouthill Abbey, is the principal +partner and proprietor of Whitbread's brew-house, and is +likewise at the head of the first mercantile house in the +City, for the management of all agency concerns, connected +with India.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[418]</span> “Thousands of people,” says Dashall, +“who had been flocking to that neighbourhood, intending to obtain a view +of the premises, will, by this event, be disappointed. Several of my +friends have paid a visit to it, and describe it as a most princely +mansion.” + </p> +<p> +“And pray,” inquired Sparkle, “what is the cause of its being sold at all +1 It has always been reported that Mr. Beckford was a man of very +extensive property.” + </p> +<p> +“That appears to be a little mysterious, and report, who is always a busy +fellow on extraordinary occasions, has not been idle: by some it is +stated, that Mr. Beckford suffered great and irreparable losses in his +West India property, and that there are in the Abbey at this moment +executions to the amount of eighty thousand pounds; that the view of the +effects has taken place entirely under the control of the sheriffs: by +others it is asserted that no such embarrassment exists. However, be that +as it may, the public have been highly gratified for some time past in +being permitted to view the estate and the valuable curiosities it +contains; and the produce of the admission tickets, which has probably +netted twenty thousand pounds, goes to the liquidation of the debts.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[419]</span> “And an excellent plan for raising the +wind too,” said Tallyho; “the example, I suppose, has been taken from +Wanstead House.” + </p> +<p> +“Most likely,” was the reply; “but if it is true that the disposal of the +property is occasioned by the embarrassment of its owner, it cannot but +excite painful and melancholy reflections on the tenure by which men hold +the goods of this life. Those who were acquainted with Mr. Beckford's +circumstances some years ago, thought him so secured in the enjoyment of a +princely income, that he was absolutely out of the reach of ill fortune, +being at one time in the actual receipt of one hundred thousand pounds a +year. It cannot be said of him that he has wasted his inheritance at the +gaming-table. The palace which he raised on a barren mountain, the greater +part of those vast plantations which surround it, the collection of books, +and of rare specimens of art, and the superb furniture, which gives such +peculiar dignity and splendour to the interior of his residence, speak at +once the immensity of his means, and attest the propriety and gracefulness +of their application.” + </p> +<p> +“We ought to have taken a trip there to have seen this earthly paradise,” + rejoined Tallyho; “but now I suppose it is all over.” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly,” was the reply; “and it is a circumstance for which the people +in the neighbourhood appear to have been totally unprepared. They were led +to believe, from the beginning, that the mere luxuries of the place were +to be sold, and the public announcement of this had the effect of filling +the county of Wilts with pleasure-hunters from all quarters. He was +fortunate who, for some time past, could find a vacant chair within twenty +miles of Fonthill: the solitude of a private apartment was a luxury which +few could hope for; and an old friend of mine informs me, in one of his +letters, that, coming from London, travellers first met their troubles +about Salisbury, The languages of France, of Holland, and of Germany, the +peculiarities (in tongue) of Scotland and Ireland, the broad dialect of +Somersetshire, the tinckling accent of Wales, and the more polished tones +of metropolitan residents, were all, at the same moment, to be heard +clashing and contending. There were bells ringing, and chamber-maids +screaming—horses prancing, and post-boys swearing—wheels +clattering, and waiters jostling—guests threatening, and hubbub and +confusion the orders of the day:—and all this to see something which +half of them, when they got there, if they were so fortunate, could not +obtain a sight of. So that, perhaps, we have been quite as well off in +remaining at home.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[420]</span> “That was spoken like a philosopher,” + said Sparkle, dryly.—“But pray, who is to be the future possessor of +this fine estate?” + </p> +<p> +“A Mr. Farquhar, who, according to the best information I have obtained, +is a man of an extraordinary character, and has given 330,000L. for it as +it stands, with every article in the Abbey except the family plate and +pictures, and a few very favourite rarities. Some interesting particulars +of the purchaser have recently been made known; from which it appears, +that he is a native of Aberdeen, and went out early in life to India, +where he was employed in the medical department. Chemical research was his +favourite pursuit: there was some defect in the manner of manufacturing +gunpowder, and Mr. Farquhar was selected to give his assistance. By +degrees, he obtained the management of the concern, and finally he became +the sole contractor to the government. In this way wealth and distinction +rapidly poured in upon him. After some years of labour, he returned to +England with half a million of money; and it is somewhat curious that a +man possessed of so much money upon his arrival at Gravesend, should, +merely to save the expense of coach-hire, walk up to London; which, +however, it appears he did, when his first visit, very naturally, was to +his banker. Without waiting for refreshment or alteration of attire, full +of dust and dirt, with clothes not worth a guinea, he presented himself at +the counter, and asked for Mr. Coutts. The clerks, not much prepossessed +in his favour by his appearance, disregarded his application; and he was +suffered to remain in the cash-office under the idea of his being some +poor petitioner, until Mr. Coutts, passing through it, recognized his +Indian customer, the man whom he expected to see with all the pomp of a +nabob. Mr. Farquhar requested to have five pounds; which having received, +he took his departure. This anecdote strongly marks the character and +habits of the man. He soon afterwards settled in Upper Baker-street, where +his house was to be distinguished by its dingy appearance, uncleaned +windows, and general neglect. An old woman was his sole attendant; and his +apartment, to which a brush or broom was never applied, was kept sacred +from her care. His neighbours were not acquainted with his character; and +there have been instances of some of them offering him money as an object +of charity.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[421]</span> “An admirable tenant for such a place +as Fonthill, truly,” observed Sparkle.—“Why, what the devil will he +do with it now he has got it?” + </p> +<p> +“Perhaps,” said Dashall, “I ought to refer you to the man himself for an +answer to such a question, for I am at a loss to guess; he is now +sixty-five years of age, and still in single blessedness.” + </p> +<p> +“A very enviable situation,” remarked Sparkle, “However,” continued Tom, +“he has done some good in the world, and may live to do more. He became a +partner in the great agency house in the City, of Basset, Farquhar, and +Co.; besides which, he purchased the late Mr. Whitbread's share in the +brewery. Part of his great wealth was devoted to the purchase of estates; +but the great bulk was invested in stock, and suffered to increase on +compound interest. He is deeply read in ancient and modern literature, and +has a mind of extraordinary vigour and originality; his conversation of a +superior order, impressive and animated on every subject. His sentiments +are liberal, and strangely contrasted with his habits. His religious +opinions are peculiar, and seem to be influenced by an admiration of the +purity of the lives and moral principles of the Brahmins. It is said that +he offered 100,000L. to found a college in Aberdeen, with a reservation on +points of religion; to which, however, the sanction of the legislature +could not be procured, and the plan was dropped. He has been residing in +Gloucester-place, where he has furnished a house in a style of modern +elegance, and, so far as appearances are concerned, indulges in several +luxuries; but his domestic habits are still the same, and his table seldom +labours with the pressure of heavy dishes. He has one nephew, to whom he +allows, or did allow, 300L. per year; has but few other claims of family; +and it is probable that his immense wealth will be bequeathed to +charitable purposes, as the great object of his ambition is to leave his +name to posterity as the founder of some public institution. To that +passion may, perhaps, be attributed the purchase of Fonthill Abbey; for +his age and infirmities totally unfit him for the enjoyment of such <span +class="pagenum">[422]</span> a place. He is diminutive in person, and by +no means prepossessing in appearance; his dress has all the qualities of +the antique to recommend it; and his domestic expenditure, until the last +year, has not exceeded 200L. per annum, although his possessions, money in +the funds, and capital in trade, are said to amount to a million and a +half!” + </p> +<p> +“Why, he is an oddity indeed,” exclaimed Tallyho, “and I think he ought to +be exhibited as the eighth wonder of the world.” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly we cannot look upon the like every day: there are instances, it +is said, of his having returned letters merely because the postage was not +paid, although he has, on more than one or two occasions, given away, at +once, for praise-worthy purposes, ten and twenty thousand pounds.” + </p> +<p> +“Then,” rejoined Sparkle, “he is a trump, and deserves to be respected:—but +where are we bound to?” + </p> +<p> +“Nay,” replied Tom, “I have no choice upon the subject.” + </p> +<p> +“Nor I neither,” said Gayfield, stepping smartly up to him, and catching +him by the hand—“so come along—I'll guide you to good quarters +and comfortable accommodation.—Dine with me, and we will have a cut +in at whist.—What say you?” + </p> +<p> +This proposition was acceded to, and away they went to Gayfield's +apartments, where a very hospitable and friendly entertainment was +presented to them with every mark of a hearty welcome. In the evening, the +glass circulated freely, and cards being introduced, they enjoyed an +agreeable and pleasant game, at which nothing particular occurred; after +which they jumped into a rattler, and were conveyed home, very well +satisfied with every attention they had received from Gayfield, except the +eternal rattle of his tongue. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0019"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXXIII +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +“The proper study of mankind in food.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[423]</span> Next morning, while our party were at +breakfast, who should make his appearance but Gayfield, whose elasticity +of spirits, and volubility of tongue, appeared, if possible, to have +acquired an additional impulse of action. +</p> +<p> +“My dear fellow,” he commenced, addressing Bob, “as you are so soon about +to leave us, I feel anxious you should carry with you all the information +possible on that interesting subject, Life in London. Long as your stay in +the Metropolis has been, still, where the subjects are so varying—so +ever varying—so multifarious—and the field for observation so +unlimited, it is impossible but that something must have escaped your +notice. +</p> +<p> +“I have been scribbling to a friend in the country, whom I occasionally +endeavour to amuse with “Sketches of Scenes in London;” and, as I flatter +myself, it exhibits something of novelty both in character, situation, and +incident, you shall hear it.” + </p> +<p> +“Dear Dick—I told you that I was about to have the honour of being +introduced to tin; celebrated Dr. Kitchen. 'He was a man, take him for all +in all, I ne'er shall look upon his like again.' It was evidently one of +?Nature's worst journeymen' that made him; for he has not a limb which +appears to appertain to his body; they look precisely as if they were +purchased at an auction. This little man, who seems born to be 'girded at' +by jokers of all classes, sharing the prevalent rage for notoriety, has +written two works, one in the character of a <i>gourmand</i>, and the +other of a musician. But not content with the fame he has thus acquired, +he has persuaded himself that he is an excellent singer. Nay, it was given +out lately, by his own concurrence, that he intended to sing at a concert +at the Argyle Rooms; and although he has no more voice than a <span +class="pagenum">[424]</span> cat, he was under the full impression that +his Majesty, at the conclusion of the last court-day, intended to call +upon him for a song. The Doctor asked me and Caustic to one of his +literary dinners; and as T have supplied you with a sketch of a cook-shop +<i>gourmand</i>, I make no apology for shewing up a more elevated class of +<i>gastronomes</i>, by reporting the Doctor's speech on this occasion.— +</p> +<p> +“'On entering the world, the acuteness of my palate and vigour of +digestion disposed me to conceive that I should excel in the fraternal +sciences of eating and drinking; and I entertained no doubt but my vapid +organs would be considerably improved by frequent exercise. Taste has +various departments—painting, architecture, sculpture, &c.; but +impressed with the conviction that my only office in this world was to +invent new dishes and devour them, I collected all the culinary writers +from Caxton to Mons. Ude, of modern celebrity. As science proceeds by +gradual advances, I frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, to +initiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, and to +judge of their skilful preparation. These, to be sure, are proper schools +for a beginner; but I soon discovered that these victuallers, on account +of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much and pay little, +could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite <i>entrees</i>. +Sometimes I found that the same turkey had been twice subjected to the +spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before, underwent the operation +of frying on the following. Cold meat appeared as hot pie, with many other +curious and ingenious devices. Then the wine was so adulterated, +compelled, like a melancholic patient, to look old before its time, and +fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coat perceptibly impregnated with +bad brandy, and tasted of every thing but the grape, that, in about six +months, I sickened, and no longer frequented these tasteless and +inhospitable retreats for the hungry. +</p> +<p> +“'To view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a “sorry sight:”—a +dozen articles placed at once upon the table—then, on the removal of +the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulous paralytic serving +the soup, and scattering it in all directions, excepting into the plate +where it ought to be delivered; <span class="pagenum">[425]</span> then an +unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction; here, +an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl as coarsely as +the four horses dragged Ravillac, limb from limb; there, another simpleton +notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while a purblind coxcomb +confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy on pigeon-pie, and parsley +and butter on roast-beef. All these barbarisms are unknown at my table. +</p> +<p> +“'Perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond any +thing hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is to behold +my guests in silence sip their wine. As the glass is held up, the eye and +the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands the nostrils, +elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips to a smile. When +its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as Indian paper, (for observe, to +use a thick wine-glass is to drink with a gag in your mouth) touches the +lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnest possible stream to +enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained, and that successive +perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate in the gulph of ecstacy. +</p> +<p> +“'I am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulged +without some hazard to the constitution; it is therefore the business of +my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, and provide +timely remedies for its attack. A gold box is always placed on the table +with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are of a very moving +quality and speedy operation, called “Peristaltic persuaders.” In an +adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as an ordinary washing-tub, +with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper is engaged to be in constant +attendance till the guests depart. +</p> +<p> +“'Gentlemen, I once became a member of a fashionable dinner-club, managed +by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine, and engaged a +culinary artist of established reputation. This club was a diversified +assemblage, consisting of some sprigs of the nobility and a few old +standards; several members of Parliament, who became very troublesome by +repeating the speeches that had been uttered in the house, and were, +besides, always attempting to reform the club. But this was less offensive +to me than others, as I make it a <span class="pagenum">[426]</span> rule +never to attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in +cookery. The remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulous +lawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifying +their appetites by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients. +There is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years, +the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained of +expense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, was accused of +peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestly demonstrating +that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convert sprats into red +mullet. Several members moved off without paying their arrears. The +managing committee disposed of the premises, plate, furniture, and wines, +and pocketed the money; and thus the club was dissolved.' +</p> +<p> +“It was on this occasion that the Doctor proposed his celebrated +?committee of taste,' with the proceedings of which I shall, perhaps, have +occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted.” + </p> +<p> +Gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and Bob felt +complimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies of +Metropolitan Life and Manners. The fine appearance of the morning +determined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as it would +afford Tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases as were +necessary prior to his departure for the country. In passing Covent +Garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesque +assemblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by the +following whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonishing sagacity and +feelings of the monkey species. An itinerant showman, who for some time +past exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stage +in a part of the Market. When his poles and cords were fixed, and the +monkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebrated flying +pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himself with a +bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showman and one +of the monkeys with a glass each; the other monkey however declined taking +any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the pieman served out the +second glass, and the former monkey took his with apparent gladness. The +pieman again seized the monkey <span class="pagenum">[427]</span> who +declined it before, but he still scorned to take any. The by-standers +called out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung it in +his face. Instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was half drunk +by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seized him by +the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirely out, only +for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquish his hold. The +pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to a doctor's shop to get +his arm dressed. +</p> +<p> +Passing on, the next object of attention was the Police office, Bow +Street. Here the party determined to rest for a short time, and after +listening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coach fares, +they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience, by a case, +in which the tables were completely turned upon Mr. Jehu, and which we +hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who have a taste +for swearing and abuse. +</p> +<p> +<a id="link42HCH0020"> +<!-- H2 anchor --> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br><br><br><br> +</div> +<div class='chapter'><h3> +CHAPTER XXXIV +</h3></div> +<div class='pre'> +In cities, foul example on most minds +Begets its likeness. Rank abundance breeds +In gross and pamper'd cities sloth and lust, +And wantonness and gluttonous excess. +In cities, vice is hidden with more ease, +Or seen with least reproach; and virtue, taught +By frequent lapse, can hope no triumph there +Beyond th' achievement of successful flight. +I do confess them nurs'ries of the arts, +In which they flourish most; where, in the beams +Of warm encouragement, and in the eye +Of public note, they reach their perfect size. +Such London is, by taste and wealth proclaim'd +The fairest capital of all the world; +By riot and incontinence the worst. +</div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[428]</span> The arrival of the day for separation +was anticipated, and the morning arose upon Dashall with a gloomy aspect, +originating in the temper of his mind; for he was by no means pleased with +the adventure of Laconic, which operated to prevent his departure with his +friends. Sparkle and Tallyho were, however, upon the alert, and determined +on pursuing their original intentions. Tom had none of his usual vivacity +about him. In vain he tried to muster up his spirits, his attempts at wit +were pointless and did not escape the notice of Sparkle, who secretly +enjoyed his chagrin, feeling assured that as it was created by their +departure, he would not delay joining them longer than necessity +absolutely required. “Why how now, Tom,” said Sparkle, “you are out, and +seem to be in queer stirrups, as if you had an uneasy saddle. You seem to +part with your cousin as a young man would with the beloved of his heart.” + “I confess I am disappointed,” replied Tom. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +“But since grieving's a folly, +Why let us be jolly.” + </div> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[429]</span> “I am determined to spend the last +moments with you—so start off the rattle traps, the upper toggery's +and travelling caps, we will take a last turn together, and a parting +dinner and glass of wine at the Bull and Mouth, and I'll warrant you I +won't be long behind. All I regret is, I can't accompany you at present.” + Upon this intimation, the remainder of their luggage and clothing were +despatched by a servant, with an order to provide a good dinner for them +at half past five. +</p> +<p> +Things were now all m a fair train, and this business being despatched, +all was anxiety for the arrival of the moment, though with different +sensations; Sparkle to meet his wife, Bob to return to his native home, +and Tom displeased and disappointed in every way, although he determined +to be as agreeable as he could under existing circumstances. Time however +being heavy on their hands, but as Bob was anxious to make a few more +purchases for presents on his return home, they started early for the Bull +and Mouth. +</p> +<p> +“You have now,” said Dashall to his cousin, “had some experience in REAL +LIFE IN LONDON, and I have reason to think you will not return to the +country a worse man than you left it. Variety is charming, and the change +from one to the other will give additional zest and pleasure.” + </p> +<p> +“I have reason,” replied Bob, “to feel myself under a very particular +obligation to you for the excellent care, kindness and attention, as well +as information I have derived, and it cannot easily be obliterated from my +recollection; but I at the same time must observe, that I have no very +great relish for London as a continual residence. When you arrive in the +country I will try if I cannot be as explanatory and amusing. At all +events I expect you will give me the trial. +</p> +<p> +“I'll give you a chevy over the hills, a pop at the pheasants, and a pick +at them afterwards; besides which, you know, we have some very pretty +lasses in our neighbourhood, to whom you have already been introduced, and +to whom you shall be better known.” + </p> +<p> +“I know, I know,” said Tom, in a hurried manner, which strongly indicated +some other motive for regret than that which arose from mere +disappointment at not being a partner in their journey, and from which +Sparkle did not fail to draw an inference, that some roguish eyes had been +darting their beams into the bosom of his friend. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[430]</span> “I see how it is now,” cried Sparkle, +“Tom is not cut but caught, and I'll sport a fifty, that the Evergreen Tom +Dashall, of London, will be transplanted to entwine with some virgin +blossom of the country, before another twelve months.” + </p> +<p> +Tom was silent. +</p> +<p> +Tallyho smiled in accordance with the sentiment of Sparkle, and declared +he would not take the bet. +</p> +<p> +“It's of very little use,” cried Dashall, recovering himself after a short +pause, “I may as well make a merit of necessity. I confess I have a sort +of a liking for the gay and sprightly Lydia Forcetext, the parson's +daughter; and if—but curse if's—I hate if, I wish there was no +such word in the English language.” + </p> +<p> +“Ha, ha, ha!” exclaimed Sparkle, “I thought we should find you out—but +come, I think I may say there is not much for you to fear—if you are +but serious.” + </p> +<p> +“It is a serious subject, and if we continue, this conversation I shall +grow downright sentimental—so no more at present—we have not +much time to spare—and as I mean to make use of every minute, let us +look around for any novelty that may occur before your departure.” + </p> +<p> +“Well,” said Sparkle, “I must say I do not know of any thing so new to me +as the very subject we were upon—but as you wish it dropped—why +e'en let it be so—I have no desire to be either particular or +personal.” + </p> +<div class='pre'> +And as London's the object we've long had in view, +As long as we can, we'll that object pursue. +And as visions we know have been for an old grudge meant, +We'll make ours a view—not a vision of—judgment. +</div> +<p> +“Good,” said Tom, “and as the lines are extemporaneous we will not be +over-nice in the criticism.” + </p> +<p> +“At least,” continued Sparkle, “you will admit it is better to be a bad +poet—than a bad man.” + </p> +<p> +“Agreed—agreed,” replied Tom.—“But who in the name of wonder +have we here—the emperor of hair-dressers and head-cutters turned +print-seller—Why, this was Money's, where I have, before now, had a +clip.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[431]</span> “Nay, nay,” said Sparkle, “don't be in +a hurry to form your judgment—his ingenuity is at work, and really +it will be worth while to have a cut all round; for I find he gives a +portrait, displaying the most fashionable Parisian dresses to every +customer. Some you know present bank, or, more properly speaking, flush +notes upon these occasions; but certainly this is a less exceptionable +plan.—What say you?” + </p> +<p> +“With all my heart:” and into the <i>Magazin de Mode</i> they marched; to +which they were welcomed by the artist himself—ushered up stairs +with all due politeness, and in two minutes Sparkle was under his +incomparable hands, while Tom and Bob amused themselves with a peep at the +newspapers and the Gazette of Fashion. +</p> +<p> +“Fine morning, gentlemen,” said the friseur. +</p> +<p> +“Is there any news?” asked Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +“We have the Paris papers, Sir, regularly, and a constant supply of +drawings of the newest fashion.” + </p> +<p> +“I am more for domestic or home news,” continued Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +“Not aware, Sir, of any thing particular—oh, yes; I recollect I was +told last night, over at the Haunch, that the mermaid is discovered.” + </p> +<p> +“What,” said Tom, “discover a mermaid over a haunch!” laying down the +paper. +</p> +<p> +“Beg pardon, Sir, beg pardon, a trifling mistake, Sir—nothing more—I +usually pass a recreative hour, after my daily studies, at the Haunch of +Venison, over the way: the landlord is an intelligent, accommodating, and +agreeable sort of man, and we have many gentlemen of considerable +consequence, both literary and scientific, who meet there of an evening to +pass a convivial hour—to hear and impart the news; and, Sir, as I +was saying, the mermaid is stated to be a fine hoax upon the credulity of +John Bull, being nothing more than the body or skin of a smoke-dried old +woman, ingeniously connected with the tail of a fish. I don't vouch for +the truth of the report, I only state what I hear, and can only assert +with confidence what I am acquainted with in my own business.” + </p> +<p> +“I suspected the mermaid from the first,” answered Tom, “I thought there +was some deceit in it.” + </p> +<p> +“There is a great deal of deceit in the world, Sir,” replied the active +clipper.—“A little Circassian cream, Sir—acknowledged to be +the best article ever produced for the preservation and restoration of +hair.” + </p> +<p> +“Certainly,” said Sparkle. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[432]</span> In this way our friends obtained a +portion of amusement, and a Corinthian clip from the intelligent and +communicative Mr. Money, of Fleet Street notoriety, in return for which he +touched their coin. +</p> +<p> +“Now,” said Dashall, “we will make the best of our way and just call, by +way of taking a lunch, among the lads of Newgate Market. There is a house +where I have been before, in which we can have some very fine home-brewed +ale, &c; and besides, according to the landlord's advertisements, he +has opened an academy, and gives instruction in the art of brewing. The +College of Physicians is just opposite, and I suppose this wag of a +landlord has taken the hint, and opposed his beer to their physic—perhaps +you may wish to carry his valuable receipt into the country with you?” + </p> +<p> +“I have no inclination to turn brewer,” replied Sparkle, “but I must +confess I like the idea of a little genuine beer—free from the +poisonous ingredients of the public brewer.” + </p> +<p> +“And so do I,” continued Tallyho. “Come along, then,” said Tom, “the Bell +in Warwick Lane is the shop, where you may be served to a shaving.” In +passing along Warwick Lane, Bob observed he thought his friend was leading +him through a not very agreeable neighbourhood. +</p> +<p> +“This place is filled with slaughter-houses, and is to be sure a great +nuisance to the City; yet such places are necessary, therefore bear up a +few minutes, and you will have comfortable house-room and agreeable +refreshment.” Entering the Bell, they were met by the landlord of the +house, a round-faced, good-natured, real John-Bull-looking man, who +knowing his customer Dashall, immediately ushered them into the +coffee-room, where being supplied with stout and mutton-chops in high +perfection, they enjoyed themselves with their regale. This done, they had +an opportunity of looking about them. +</p> +<p> +In one corner sat two or three tip-top salesmen of the market, conversing +on the price of meat, while they were devouring a succession of +rump-steaks with most voracious and insatiable appetites. In another was a +hungry author, bargaining with a bookseller of Paternoster Row, for the +sale of a manuscript, by which he expected to realise a dinner. While near +them was an undertaker and a master-builder, vociferating at each other +for interference <span class="pagenum">[433]</span> with their respective +trades, and so far attracting the attention of the bookseller from the +work of the author, that he wished, from the bottom of his heart, “that +one would build a coffin to bury the other:” while the salesmen laughed so +loud at the observations of the controversialists, as almost to make them +wish the subject dead without the hope of resurrection. +</p> +<p> +Bob liked the stout—ordered a replenish, and asked the landlord to +partake. +</p> +<p> +“With all my heart—gentlemen—good health—real malt and +hops, gentlemen—nothing else—all brewed under my own eye—good +ordinary at two—excellent fare—good treatment—comfortable +beds—happy to see you at all times at the Bell brewery.” + </p> +<p> +Having proceeded on their journey they shortly found themselves near Bull +and Mouth Street. +</p> +<p> +On their way to the Bull and Mouth, Sparkle made a proposal, which was +cordially acquiesced in by Dashall and his cousin, and a mutual pledge was +given to carry it into effect: this was no other than an agreement to take +a trip over to Dublin in the course of the ensuing winter, in order to +acquire some knowledge of LIFE IN IRELAND. +</p> +<p> +“I have lately,” said Sparkle, “been almost convulsed with laughter, even +to the danger of a locked-jaw, by the perusal of a work under this title. +The author, nephew to a late Irish chancellor, is an old acquaintance; +added to which, and the genuine irresistible humour that runs throughout +the work, I feel determined to visit, and have ocular demonstration of +some of the places where these scenes of humour are so admirably +described.” + </p> +<p> +On entering Bull and Mouth Street—“Bless me,” cried Bob, “this is a +very confined street for such an inn.” + </p> +<p> +“Hoy,” cried a coachman, rattling along the street in double quick time. +</p> +<p> +“By your leave,” bawled a porter with a heavy chest on his back. +</p> +<p> +“We shall certainly either be knocked down, or run over,” exclaimed +Tallyho. +</p> +<p> +“Never fear,” said Tom, “do but keep your ogles in action, all's right +enough, and we shall soon be safely housed out of the bustle; but before +we enter the house we will just cast our eyes about us. On the right, +after passing the gate, is the coach-offices for receiving, booking, <span +class="pagenum">[434]</span> and delivering parcels, and taking places for +passengers by the various vehicles which start from this place. On the +left is the hotel and coffee-house, where every refreshment and +accommodation may be obtained. The remaining part of the building, +together with several others adjoining, which almost occupy the whole of +this side of the street, are devoted to stables, waggon and coach-houses, +and out-offices.” + </p> +<p> +<a id="link4image-0005"> +<!-- IMG --> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/page434.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Page434.jpg Bull and Mouth Inn "><br> +</div> +<p> +“It is an extensive concern then,” said Tallyho, “though it stands in such +an out of the way obscure situation.” + </p> +<p> +“Why you are already aware that situation is not absolutely necessary to +success in all cases in London,” was the reply. “The extensive circulation +of a name or a sign are sometimes sufficient to obtain business;—and +who has not heard of the Bull and Mouth, or the name of Willan—from +the former runs a considerable number of long stages and mail coaches, +daily and nightly, the proprietor being a contractor with Government; and +upon one occasion it is said, he was in treaty to supply an immense +quantity of horses to convey troops to the coast, on the threatened +invasion by Buonaparte, so that the epithet patriotic might properly be +applied to him. He however is lately deceased, and supposed to have left a +considerable fortune.—But come, dinner is ready—now for the +parting meal, and then heaven speed ye to your destined homes.” + </p> +<p> +After partaking of a hearty dinner, and a bottle or two of generous wine—“Come,” + said Dashall, “it is time we are alive and look out, for the yard is all +in a bustle; here are lots of coaches preparing for a start, so let us get +out, look around, and see what is going forward.” + </p> +<p> +Upon this intimation, they sallied forth to the yard, where the confusion +created by the arrival of one coach heavily laden, and the preparation of +two for departure, afforded a scene for a quiet contemplatist, which +however it is not easy to describe. +</p> +<p> +“Coachman,” said an antiquated lady, just alighting, “I paid my fare.” + </p> +<p> +“Yes Ma'am, that's all fair,” said coachy. +</p> +<p> +“Mind how you hand my dear little boy out of the coach, poor little fellow +he is quite dizzy with riding.” + </p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[435]</span> “I thinks as how you had better have +brought a man with you, for you want taking care of yourself,” grumbled +coachy, as he handed the young one out.—“There he is Ma'am—stand +upon your pins, my man.” + </p> +<p> +“Come Charley—Oh coachy you have got my box in your boot.” + </p> +<p> +“Aye, aye, Ma'am, I know it, I wish my boot was in your box—here it +is Ma'am.” + </p> +<p> +“Stand bye,” said a Jack Tar, “let's have a little sea room, and no +squalls.” + </p> +<p> +“Coachy, what a rude fellow that is, he says I squalls.” + </p> +<p> +“Never mind him, Ma'am, he is as rough as the element he belongs to—thank +ye Ma'am—that's the time o' day,” pocketing a half-crown which she +had just given him. +</p> +<p> +“Here Bill, take this lady's luggage out of the way.” + </p> +<p> +“Just going off, Sir—do you go by me?” + </p> +<p> +“Yes,” replied Sparkle, “how many have you inside?” + </p> +<p> +“Only four, Sir, and you two make up the number—all ready—Jem, +bear up the leaders.” + </p> +<p> +At this moment a hackney coach stopped at the gate, and out jumps a +gentleman who immediately entered into conversation with the coachman. +</p> +<p> +“Can't do it, Sir,” said coachy,—“all full—I might manage to +give you an outside passage to be sure.” + </p> +<p> +“Well, well, I will make that do, perhaps you can afford an inside birth +part of the journey.” + </p> +<p> +“I'll see what I can do, but can't promise—now gentlemen.” + </p> +<p> +“Here coachman,” said the person desirous of obtaining a passage, tipping +coachy some money. +</p> +<p> +“Aye, aye, that's the way to look at the matter.” + </p> +<p> +By this time Tom discovered it was no other than Van Butchell,{1} whom he +observed to Bob, there was little doubt had been summoned on some +desperate case, and must go at all events. +</p> +<div class='pre'> +1 It is fortunate for the rising generation, that the late +Martin Van Butchell, not more celebrated for his +eccentricities than bis utility, has not departed from the +world without leaving an able successor to his practice. +Edwin Martin Van Butchell is now almost as well known as his +late father. Such indeed is the estimation of his abilities, +that a large society of journeymen tailors have entered into +a weekly subscription among themselves, in order that their +afflicted brethren may have the benefit of his practical +knowledge and abilities. +</div> +<p> +“Now, gentlemen, you brush in and I will brush on. Shut the door Dick, all +right—ya—hip.” + </p> +<p> +“Adieu, dear Tom,” exclaimed Bob. +</p> +<p> +<span class="pagenum">[436]</span> “Zounds,” exclaimed Tom, “the coachman +will hardly allow him to say good bye—well, the dearest friends must +part, so good bye, heaven protect you both.” + </p> +<p> +By this time the vehicle was out of the yard. +</p> +<p> +“I don't like it,” continued Tom, soliloquizing with himself; “but, +however, as I have bid them adieu for the present, the best thing I can do +is to arrange Laconic's affairs, and then bid adieu to <i>Life in London</i>.” + </p> +<p> +The End +</p> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> +<hr> +<p> +<br> <br> +</p> + + + + +<div style='display:block;margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REAL LIFE IN LONDON ***</div> +<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0;'>This file should be named 20484-h.htm or 20484-h.zip</div> +<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0;'>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/4/8/20484/</div> + +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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