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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 01:23:17 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 01:23:17 -0700 |
| commit | 3096501b06e5405fcac2b5bc2688de06f1bcc7cb (patch) | |
| tree | f3a87f8cfea45a9c7366fb050bb7327ae1be2c23 /old/files | |
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0000000..86194c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/files/images/titlepage_a_vol2.jpg diff --git a/old/files/images/titlpage_vol2.jpg b/old/files/images/titlpage_vol2.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fc932d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/files/images/titlpage_vol2.jpg diff --git a/old/files/relative.htm b/old/files/relative.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..64cb77c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/files/relative.htm @@ -0,0 +1,43320 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Real Life in London, Complete by An Amateur [Pierce Egan] + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} + .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} + .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} + .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 100%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} + span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 } + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + --> +</style> + </head> + <body> + <h1> + REAL LIFE IN LONDON + </h1> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II., by Pierce Egan + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II. + Or, The Rambles And Adventures Of Bob Tallyho, Esq., And + His Cousin, The Hon. Tom Dashall, Through The Metropolis; + Exhibiting A Living Picture Of Fashionable Characters, + Manners, And Amusements In High And Low Life (1821) + +Author: Pierce Egan + +Illustrator: Heath, Aiken, Dighton, and Rowlandson + +Release Date: January 30, 2007 [EBook #20484] +Last Updated: October 19, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REAL LIFE IN LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <div class="mynote"> + <i><a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/20484/old/orig20484-h/main.htm"> + LINK TO THE ORIGINAL HTML FILE: This Ebook Has Been Reformatted For Better + Appearance In Mobile Viewers Such As Kindles And Others. The Original + Format, Which The Editor Believes Has A More Attractive Appearance For + Laptops And Other Computers, May Be Viewed By Clicking On This Box.</a></i> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="London_spines (64K)" src="images/London_spines.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h1> + REAL LIFE IN LONDON + </h1> + <div class="middle"> + <p> + <big>OR, THE RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OF BOB TALLYHO, ESQ., <br /> AND HIS + COUSIN, THE HON. TOM DASHALL, <br /> THROUGH THE METROPOLIS; <br /> + EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE OF FASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, <br /> MANNERS, + AND AMUSEMENTS IN HIGH AND LOW LIFE</big> <b> By an AMATEUR [Pierce + Egan]</b> "'Tis pleasant through the loop-holes of retreat <br /> To peep + at such a world; to see the stir <br /> Of the great Babel, and not feel + the crowd."<br /> —Cowper <a name="linkimage-0001" + id="linkimage-0001"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + </div> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/titlepage1.jpg" alt="Titlepage1" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <div class="middle"> + <p> + EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED WITH A SERIES OF COLOURED PRINTS, DESIGNED + AND ENGRAVED BY MESSRS. HEATH, AIKEN, DIGHTON, ROWLANDSON, ETC. <b>VOLUME + I. <br /> Part 1</b> A NEW EDITION METHUEN & CO. LONDON NOTE This + Issue, first published in 1905, is founded on the Edition<br /> printed + for Jones & Co. in the year 1821 <a name="linkimage-0002" + id="linkimage-0002"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + </div> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="Frontispiece" src="images/frontispiece1.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="titlepage1a (92K)" src="images/titlepage1a.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + COLOR PLATES + </h1> + <h4> + [Click on any image to enlarge it to full size.] + </h4> + <div class="fig"> + <p> + <br /><a href="images/page010.jpg"><img alt="page010th (9K)" + src="images/page010th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page016.jpg"><img + alt="page016th (10K)" src="images/page016th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page044.jpg"><img alt="page044th (10K)" + src="images/page044th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page046.jpg"><img + alt="page046th (10K)" src="images/page046th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page062.jpg"><img alt="page062th (10K)" + src="images/page062th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page071.jpg"><img + alt="page071th (9K)" src="images/page071th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page079.jpg"><img alt="page079th (11K)" + src="images/page079th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page092.jpg"><img + alt="page092th (7K)" src="images/page092th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page130.jpg"><img alt="page130th (11K)" + src="images/page130th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page138.jpg"><img + alt="page138th (12K)" src="images/page138th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page148.jpg"><img alt="page148th (9K)" + src="images/page148th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page160.jpg"><img + alt="page160th (11K)" src="images/page160th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page196.jpg"><img alt="page196th (7K)" + src="images/page196th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page200.jpg"><img + alt="page200th (8K)" src="images/page200th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page240.jpg"><img alt="page240th (12K)" + src="images/page240th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page250.jpg"><img + alt="page250th (11K)" src="images/page250th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page263.jpg"><img alt="page263th (10K)" + src="images/page263th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page286.jpg"><img + alt="page286th (12K)" src="images/page286th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page298.jpg"><img alt="page298th (10K)" + src="images/page298th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page349.jpg"><img + alt="page349th (9K)" src="images/page349th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page385.jpg"><img alt="page385th (12K)" + src="images/page385th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page386.jpg"><img + alt="page386th (9K)" src="images/page386th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page387.jpg"><img alt="page387th (11K)" + src="images/page387th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page398.jpg"><img + alt="page398th (11K)" src="images/page398th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page402.jpg"><img alt="page402th (10K)" + src="images/page402th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page410.jpg"><img + alt="page410th (11K)" src="images/page410th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a + href="images/page434.jpg"><img alt="page434th (11K)" + src="images/page434th.jpg" /></a> <br /><a href="images/page390.jpg"><img + alt="page390th (10K)" src="images/page390th.jpg" /></a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + </div> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_LIST"> LIST OF THE PLATES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <big><b>REAL LIFE IN LONDON</b></big> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0001"> CHAPTER XVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0002"> CHAPTER XVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0003"> CHAPTER XIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0004"> CHAPTER XX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0005"> CHAPTER XXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0006"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0007"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0008"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0009"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0010"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0011"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> + </p> + <h3> + VOLUME II. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0001"> CHAPTER I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0002"> CHAPTER II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0003"> CHAPTER III </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0005"> CHAPTER V </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0010"> CHAPTER X </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0001"> CHAPTER XV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0002"> CHAPTER XVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0003"> CHAPTER XVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0004"> CHAPTER XVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0005"> CHAPTER XIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0006"> CHAPTER XX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0007"> CHAPTER XXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0008"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0009"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0010"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0011"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0012"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0013"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0014"> CHAPTER XXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0015"> CHAPTER XXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0016"> CHAPTER XXX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0017"> CHAPTER XXXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0018"> CHAPTER XXXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0019"> CHAPTER XXXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0020"> CHAPTER XXXIV </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_LIST" id="link2H_LIST"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + List of Illustrations + </h2> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Titlepage1 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Page16 Hyde-park </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> Page44 Epson Racers </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> Page71 Fives Court </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> Page79 The Kings Levee </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> Page92 Catching a Charley Napping </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0009"> Page130 Drury Lane Theatre </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0010"> Page138 Tom and Bob at Drury Lane </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0011"> Page160 Tattersall's </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0012"> Page196 A Modern Hell </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0013"> Page240 Somerset House </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0001"> Page286 Road to a Fight </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0002"> Page298 Real Life at Billingsgate </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0003"> Page385 Political Dinner </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0004"> Page387 The Country Squire </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0005"> Page390 Grand Coronation Dinner </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0006"> Page398 Road to a Fight </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0007"> Page402 A Private Turn-up </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0008"> Page410 Masquerade </a> + </p> + <h3> + VOLUME II. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0001"> Page10 British Museum </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0002"> Page46 King's Bench </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0003"> Page62 Public House </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0004"> Page130 Blue Ruin Shop </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0005"> Page148 Almacks </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0006"> Page196 Easter Hunt </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0007"> Page200 Donkey Cart Race </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0001"> Page250.jpg Drury Lane </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0002"> Page233.jpg St. George's Day </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0003"> Page349 Ascot Races </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0004"> Page386 at a Party </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0005"> Page434.jpg Bull and Mouth Inn </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + CONTENTS: + + Chapter I. + + Seduction from rural simplicity, page 2. Pleasures of the + table, 3. Overpowering oratory, 4. A warm dispute, 5. + Amicable arrangement, 6. + + Chapter II. + + Philosophical reflections, 7. A great master, 8. Modern + jehuism, 9. A coach race, 10. A wood-nymph, 11. Improvements + of the age, 12. An amateur of fashion, 13. Theatrical + criticism, 14. Reflections, 15. + + Chapter III. + + Hyde Park, and its various characters, 16. Sir F——s B—— + tt, 22, Delightful reverie, 23. + + Chapter IV. + + Fresh game sprung, 24. Lord C——e, alias Coal-hole George, + 25. Rot at Carlton Palace, 28. Once-a-week man, 29. Sunday + promenader, 30. How to raise the wind, 31. Lord Cripplegate + and his Cupid, 32. Live fish, 33. Delicacy, 34. A breathless + visitor, 35. + + Chapter V. + + A fashionable introduction, 36. A sparkling subject, 37. The + true spur to genius, 38. An agreeable surprise, 39. A + serious subject, 40. A pleasant fellow, 41. Lively gossip, + 42. Living in style, 43. Modern good breeding, 45. Going to + see "you know who," 46. + + Chapter VI. + + Early morning amusements, 47. Frightening to death, 48. + Improvements of the age, 49. Preparing for a swell, 50. The + acmé of barberism, 51. A fine specimen of the art, 52. Duels + by Cupid and Apollo, 53. Fashionable news continued, 54. Low + niggardly notions, 55. Scenes from Barber-Ross-a, 56. A snip + of the superfine, 59. The enraged Managers, 60. Cutting out, + and cutting up, 61. The whipstitch mercury, 62. All in the + wrong again, 63. A Venus de Medicis, 64. Delicacy alarmed, + 65. + + Chapter VII. + + Preparing for a ramble, 66. A man of the town, 67. Bond + Street, 68. A hanger on, 70. A man of science, 71. Dandyism, + 72. Dandy heroism, 74. Inebriety reproved, 75. My uncle's + card, 76. St. James's Palace, 77. Pall Mall-Waterloo Place, + etc., 79. An Irish Paddy, 80. Incorrigible prigs, 81. A hue + and cry, 82. A capture, 83. A wake, with an Irish howl, 84. + Vocabulary of the new school, 85. Additional company, 87. + + Chapter VIII. + + Public Office, Bow Street, 88. Irish generosity, 89. A bit + of gig, 90. "I loves fun," 91. A row with the Charleys, 92. + Judicial sagacity, 93. Watch-house scenes, 94. A rummish + piece of business, 95. The Brown Bear well baited, 96. + Somerset House, 97. An importunate customer, 99. + Peregrinations proposed, 100. + + Chapter IX. + + The Bonassus, 101. A Knight of the New Order, 102. Medical + quacks, 103. Medical (not Tailors') Boards, 105. Superlative + modesty, 106. Hard pulling and blowing, 107. Knightly + medicals, 108. Buffers and Duffers, 109. Extremes of + fortune, 110. Signs of the Times, 111. Expensive spree, 112. + The young Cit, 113. All in confusion, 115. Losses and + crosses, 116. Rum customers, 117. A genteel hop, 118. Max + and music, 119. Amateurs and actors, 120. A well-known + character, 121. Championship, 122. A grand spectacle, 123. + Adulterations, 124. More important discoveries, 125. Wonders + of cast-iron and steam, 126. Shops of the new school, 127. + Irish paper-hanging, 128. + + Chapter X. + + Heterogeneous mass, 129. Attractions of the theatre, 130. + Tragedy talk, 131. Authors and actors, 132. Chancery + injunctions, 133. Olympic music, 134. Dandy larks and + sprees, 135. The Theatre, 136. Its splendid establishment, + 137. Nymphs of the saloon, 138. Torments of love and gout, + 139. Prostitution, 140. A shameful business, 141. Be gone, + dull care, 142. Convenient refreshment, 143. A lushy cove, + 144. The sleeper awake, 145. All on lire, 146. A short + parley, 147. + + Chapter XI. + + Fire, confusion and alarm, 148. Snuffy tabbies and boosy + kids, 149. A cooler for hot disputes, 150. An overturned + Charley, 151. Resurrection rigs, 152. Studies from life, + 154. An agreeable situation, 155. A nocturnal visit to a + lady, 156. Sharp's the word, 157. Frolicsome fellows, 158. + Retirement, 159. + + Chapter XII. + + Tattersall's, 160. Friendly dealings, 161. Laudable company, + 162. The Sportsman's exchange, 163. An unlimited order, 164. + How to ease heavy pockets, 165. Body-snatchers and Bum- + traps, 166. The Sharps and the Flats, 167. A secret + expedition, 168. A pleasant rencontre, 169. Accommodating + friends, 170. The female banker, 171. A buck of the first + cut, 172. A highly finished youth, 173. An addition to the + party, 174. + + Chapter XIII. + + A promenade, 175. Something the matter, 176. Quizzical hits, + 177. London friendship, 178. Fashion versus Reason, 179. + Dinners of the Ton, 180. Brilliant mob of a ball-room, 181. + What can the matter be? 182. Something-A-Miss, 183. + + Chapter XIV. + + The centre of attraction, 185. The circulating library, 186. + Library wit, 187. Fitting on the cap, 188. Breaking up, 189. + Gaming, 190. Hells-Greeks-Black-legs, 191. How to become a + Greek, 192. Valuable instructions, 193. Gambling-house à la + Française, 194. Visitors' cards, 195. Opening scene, 196. + List of Nocturnal Hells, 197. Rouge et Noir Tables, 198. + Noon-day Hells, 199. Hell broke up, and the devil to pay, + 200. A story, 202. Swindling Jews, 205. Ups and downs, 206. + High fellows, 207. Mingled company, 208. Severe studies, + 209. + + Chapter XV. + + Newspaper recreations, 210. Value of Newspapers, 211. Power + of imagination, 212. Rich bill of fare, 213. Proposed Review + of the Arts, 214. Demireps and Cyprians, 215. Dashing + characters, 216. Female accommodations, 217. Rump and dozen, + 218. Maggot race for a hundred, 219. Prime gig, larks and + sprees, 220. Female jockeyship, 221. Delicate amusements for + the fair sex, 222. Female life in London, 224. Ciphers in + society, 225. Ciphers of all sorts, 226. Hydraulics, 227. + Watery humours, 228. General street engagement, 229. Harmony + restored, 230. + + Chapter XVI. + + The double disappointment, 231. Heading made easy, 232. + Exhibition of Engravings, 233. How to cut a dash, 235. + Dashing attitude, costume, etc., 236. A Dasher-Street- + walking, etc., 237. Dancing—"all the go," 238. Exhibition, + Somerset House, 239. Royal Academy, Somerset House, 240. The + Sister Arts, 241. Character-Caricature, etc., 242. Moral + tendency of the Arts, 243. Fresh game sprung, 244. Law and + Lawyers, 245. Law qualifications, 247. Benchers, 248. Temple + Libraries-Church, 249. St. Dunstan's Bell-thumpers, 250. + Political Cobbler, 251. Coffee-houses, 252. Metropolitan + accommodations, 253. Chop-house delights and recreations, + 254. Daffy's Elixir, Blue Ruin, etc., 256. The Queen's gin- + shop, 257. + + Chapter XVII. + + Globe Coffee-house, 258. A humorous sort of fellow, 259. A + Punster, 260. Signals and Signs, 261. Disconcerted + Professors, 262. A learned Butcher, 263. A successful + stratagem, 264. A misconception, 265. A picture of London, + 266. All in high glee, 268. + + Chapter XVIII. + + A Slap at Slop, 269. A Nondescript, 270. Romanis, 271. Bow + steeple-Sir Chris. Wren, 272. The Temple of Apollo, 273. + Caricatures, 274. Rich stores of literature, 275. Pulpit + oratory, 276. Seven reasons, 277. Street impostors and + impositions, 278. Impudent beggars, 280. Wise men of the + East, 281. A Royal Visitor and Courtier reproved, 282. + Confusion of tongues, 284. Smoking and drinking, 285. + Knights of the Round Table, 286. The joys of milling, 287. + Noses and nosegays, 288. A Bumpkin in town, 289. Piggish + propensities, 2907 Joys of the bowl, 291. + + Chapter XIX. + + Jolly boys, 292. Dark-house Lane, 293. A breeze sprung up, + 294. Business done in a crack, 295. Billingsgate, 296. + Refinements in language, 297. Real Life at Billingsgate, + 298. The Female Fancy, 299. The Custom House, Long Room, + etc., 300. Greeting mine host, 302. A valuable customer, + 303. A public character, 304. + + Chapter xx. + + The Tower of London, 305. Confusion of titles, 306. Interior + of the Trinity House, 307. Rag Fair commerce, 308. Itinerant + Jews and Depredators, 309. Lamentable state of the Jews, + 310. Duke's Place and Synagogue, 311. Portuguese Jews, 312. + Bank of England, 313. An eccentric character, 314. + Lamentable effects of forgery, 315. Singular alteration of + mind, 316. Imaginary wealth, 317. Joint Stock Companies, + 318. Auction Mart-Courtois, 319. Irresistible arguments, + 320. Wealth without pride, 321. Royal Exchange, 322. A + prophecy fulfilled, 323. Lloyd's-Gresham Lecture, etc., 324. + The essential requisite, 325. Egress by storm, 326. + + Chapter XXI. + + Incident "ad infinitum," 327. A distressed Poet, 328. + Interesting calculations, 329. Ingenuity in puffing, 330. + Blacking maker's Lauréat, 331. Miseries of literary + pursuits, 332. Suttling house, Horse Guards, 333. Merits of + two heroes, 334. Hibernian eloquence, 335. A pertinacious + Disputant, 336. Peace restored-Horse Guards, 337. Old + habits-The Miller's horse, 338. Covent Garden-Modern Drury, + 339 A more than Herculean labour, 340. Police Office scene, + 341. Bartholomew Fair, 342. A Knight of the Needle, 343. + Variance of opinion, 344. A visit to the Poet, 345. Produce + of literary pursuits, 346. Quantum versus Quality, 347. + Publishing by subscription, 348. Wealth and ignorance, 349. + Mutual gratification, 350. + + Chapter XXII. + + Symptoms of alarm, 351. Parties missing, 352. A strange + world, 353. Wanted, and must come, 354. Expectation alive, + 355. A cure for melancholy, 356. Real Life a game, 357. The + game over, 358. Money-dropping arts, 359. Dividing a prize, + 360. The Holy Alliance broke up, 361. New method of Hat + catching, 362. Dispatching a customer, 363. Laconic + colloquy, 364. Barkers, 365. A mistake corrected, 366. + Pawnbrokers, 367. The biter bit, 368. Miseries of + prostitution, 369. Wardrobe accommodations, 370. New species + of depredation, 371. + + Chapter XXIII. + + The Lock-up House, 372. Real Life with John Doe, etc., 373. + Every thing done by proxy, 374. Lottery of marriage, 375. + Sharp-shooting and skirmishing, 376. A fancy sketch, 377. + The universal talisman, 378. Living within bounds, 379. How + to live for ten years, 380. An accommodating host, 381. Life + in a lock-up house, 382. + + Chapter XXIV. + + A successful election, 383. Patriotic intentions, 384. + Political dinner, 385. Another bear-garden, 386. Charley's + theatre, 387. Bear-baiting sports, 388. The coronation, 389. + Coronation splendour, 390. + + Chapter XXV. + + Fancy sports, 392. Road to a fight, 393. New sentimental + journey, 394. Travelling chaff, 395. Humours of the road, + 396. Lads of the fancy, 397. Centre of attraction, 398. A + force march, 399. Getting to work, 400. True game, 401. The + sublime and beautiful, 402. All's well-good night, 403. + + Chapter XXVI. + + Promenading reflections, 404. Anticipation, 405. Preliminary + observations, 406. Characters in masquerade, 407. Irish + sympathy, 408. Whimsicalities of character, 409. Masquerade + characters, 410. The watchman, 411. New characters, 412. The + sport alive, 413. Multifarious amusements, 414. Doctors + disagree, 415. Israelitish honesty, 416. + + Chapter XXVII. + + Ideal enjoyments, 417. A glance at new objects, 418. Street- + walking nuisances, 419. Cries of London-Mud-larks, etc., + 420. The Monument, 421. London Stone, 422. General Post- + Office, 423. Preparations for returning, 424. So endeth the + volume, 425. +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + REAL LIFE IN LONDON + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Triumphant returning at night with the spoil, + Like Bachanals, shouting and gay: + How sweet with a bottle and song to refresh, + And lose the fatigues of the day. + With sport, wit, and wine, fickle fortune defy, + Dull 'wisdom all happiness sours; + Since Life is no more than a passage at best, + Let's strew the way over with flowers. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[1]</span>"THEY order these things better in + London," replied the Hon. Tom Dashall, to an old weather-beaten sportsman, + who would fain have made a convert of our London <i>Sprig of Fashion</i> + to the sports and delights of rural life. The party were regaling + themselves after the dangers and fatigues of a very hard day's fox-chace; + and, while the sparkling glass circulated, each, anxious to impress on the + minds of the company the value of the exploits and amusements in which he + felt most delight, became more animated and boisterous in his oratory—forgetting + that excellent regulation which forms an article in some of the rules and + orders of our "<i>Free and Easies</i>" in London, "that no more than three + gentlemen shall be allowed to speak at the same time." The whole party, + consisting of fourteen, like a pack in full cry, had, with the kind + assistance of the "rosy god," become at the same moment most animated, not + to say vociferous, orators. The young squire, Bob Tally ho, (as he was + called) of Belville Hall, who had recently come into possession of this + fine and extensive domain, was far from feeling indifferent to the + pleasures of a sporting life, and, in the chace, had even acquired the + reputation of being a "keen sportsman:" but the regular intercourse which + took place between him and his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, of Bond + Street notoriety, had in <span class="pagenum">[2]</span>some measure led + to an indecision of character, and often when perusing the lively and + fascinating descriptions which the latter drew of the passing scenes in + the gay metropolis, Bob would break out into an involuntary exclamation of—"Curse + me, but after all, this only is Real Life; "—while, for the moment, + horses, dogs, and gun, with the whole paraphernalia of sporting, were + annihilated. Indeed, to do justice to his elegant and highly-finished + friend, these pictures were the production of a master-hand, and might + have made a dangerous impression on minds more stoical and determined than + that of Bob's. The opera, theatres, fashionable pursuits, characters, + objects, &c. all became in succession the subjects of his pen; and if + lively description, blended with irresistible humour and sarcastic wit, + possessed any power of seduction, these certainly belonged to Bob's + honourable friend and relative, as an epistolary correspondent. The + following Stanzas were often recited by him with great feeling and + animation:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Parent of Pleasure and of many a groan, + I should be loath to part with thee, I own, + Dear Life! + To tell the truth, I'd rather lose a <i>wife</i>, + Should Heav'n e'er deem me worthy of possessing + That best, that most invaluable blessing. + I thank thee, that thou brought'st me into being; + The things of this our world are well worth seeing; + And let me add, moreover, well worth feeling; + Then what the Devil would people have? + These gloomy hunters of the grave, + For ever sighing, groaning, canting, kneeling. + Some wish they never had been born, how odd! + To see the handy works of God, + In sun and moon, and starry sky; + Though last, not least, to see sweet Woman's charms,— + Nay, more, to clasp them in our arms, + And pour the soul in love's delicious sigh, + Is well worth coming for, I'm sure, + Supposing that thou gav'st us nothing more. + Yet, thus surrounded, Life, dear Life, I'm thine, + And, could I always call thee mine, + I would not quickly bid this world farewell; + But whether here, or long or short my stay, + I'll keep in mind for ev'ry day + An old French motto, "<i>Vive la bagatelle!</i>" + Misfortunes are this lottery-world's sad blanks; + Presents, in my opinion, not worth thanks. + The pleasures are the twenty thousand prizes, + Which nothing but a <i>downright ass</i> despises. +</pre> + <p> + It was not, however, the mere representations of Bob's friend, with which, + (in consequence of the important result,) we commenced our chapter, that + produced the powerful effect of fixing the wavering mind of Bob—No, + it was the air—the manner—the <i>je ne sais quoi</i>, by which + these representations were accompanied: the curled lip of contempt, and + the eye, measuring as he spoke, from top to toe, his companions, with the + cool elegant sang froid and self-possession displayed in his own person + and manner, which became a <i>fiat</i> with Bob, and which effected the + object so long courted by his cousin. + </p> + <p> + After the manner of Yorick (though, by the bye, no sentimentalist) Bob + thus reasoned with himself:—"If an acquaintance with London is to + give a man these airs of superiority—this ascendancy—elegance + of manners, and command of enjoyments—why, London for me; and if + pleasure is the game in view, there will I instantly pursue the sport." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[3]</span>The song and toast, in unison with the + sparkling glass, followed each other in rapid succession. During which, + our elegant London visitor favoured the company with the following + effusion, sung in a style equal to (though unaccompanied with the affected + airs and self-importance of) a first-rate professor:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + SONG. + + If to form and distinction, in town you would bow, + Let appearance of wealth be your care: + If your friends see you live, not a creature cares how, + The question will only be, Where? + A circus, a polygon, crescent, or place, + With ideas of magnificence tally; + Squares are common, streets queer, but a lane's a disgrace; + And we've no such thing as an alley. + A first floor's pretty well, and a parlour so so; + But, pray, who can give themselves airs, + Or mix with high folks, if so vulgarly low + To live up in a two pair of stairs? + The garret, excuse me, I mean attic floor, + (That's the name, and it's right you should know it,) + Would he tenantless often; but genius will soar, + And it does very well for a poet. +</pre> + <p> + These amusements of the table were succeeded by a most stormy and + lengthened debate, (to use a parliamentary phrase) during which, Bob's + London friend had with daring heroism opposed the whole of the party, in + supporting the superiority of Life in London over every pleasure the + country could afford. After copious libations to Bacchus, whose influence + at length effected what oratory had in vain essayed, and silenced these + contending and jarring elements, "grey-eyed Morn" peeped intrusively amid + the jovial crew, and Somnus, (with the cart before the horse) stepping + softly on tip-toe after his companion, led, if not by, at least + accompanied with, the music of the nose, each to his snoring pillow.<span + class="pagenum">[4]</span> + </p> + <p> + ——"Glorious resolve!" exclaimed Tom, as soon as his friend had + next morning intimated his intention,—"nobly resolved indeed!—"What! + shall he whom Nature has formed to shine in the dance and sparkle in the + ring—to fascinate the fair—lead and control the fashions—attract + the gaze and admiration of the surrounding crowd!—shall he pass a + life, or rather a torpid existence, amid country bumpkins and Johnny-raws? + Forbid it all ye powers that rule with despotic sway where Life alone is + to be found,—forbid it cards—dice—balls—fashion, + and ye gay et coteras,—forbid"——"Pon my soul," + interrupted Bob, "you have frightened me to death! I thought you were + beginning an Epic,—a thing I abominate of all others. I had rather + at any time follow the pack on a foundered horse than read ten lines of + Homer; so, my dear fellow, descend for God's sake from the Heroics." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Calmly let me, at least, begin Life's chapter, + Not panting for a hurricane of rapture; + Calm let me step—not riotous and jumping: + With due decorum, let my heart + Try to perform a sober part, + Not at the ribs be ever bumping—bumping. + Rapture's a charger—often breaks his girt, + Runs oft", and flings his rider in the dirt. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[5]</span>"However, it shall be so: adieu, my dear + little roan filly,—Snow-ball, good by,—my new patent + double-barrelled percussion—ah, I give you all up!—Order the + tandem, my dear Tom, whenever you please; whisk me up to the fairy scenes + you have so often and admirably described; and, above all things, take me + as an humble and docile pupil under your august auspices and tuition." + Says Tom, "thou reasonest well." + </p> + <p> + The rapidity with which great characters execute their determinations has + been often remarked by authors. The dashing tandem, with its beautiful + high-bred bits of blood, accompanied by two grooms on horsebaek in + splendid liveries, stood at the lodge-gate, and our heroes had only to bid + adieu to relatives and friends, and commence their rapid career. + </p> + <p> + Before we start on this long journey of one hundred and eighty miles, with + the celerity which is unavoidable in modern travelling, it may be prudent + to ascertain that our readers are still in company, and that we all start + fairly together; otherwise, there is but little probability of our ever + meeting again on the journey;—so now to satisfy queries, remarks, + and animadversions. + </p> + <p> + "Why, Sir, I must say it is a new way of introducing a story, and appears + to me very irregular.—What! tumble your hero neck and heels into the + midst of a drunken fox-hunting party, and then carry him off from his + paternal estate, without even noticing his ancestors, relatives, friends, + connexions, or prospects—without any description of romantic scenery + on the estate—without so much as an allusion to the female who first + kindled in his breast the tender passion, or a detail of those incidents + with which it is usually connected!—a strange, very strange way + indeed this of commencing." + </p> + <p> + "My dear Sir, I agree with you as to the deviation from customary rules: + but allow me to ask,—is not one common object—amusement, all + we have in view? Suppose then, by way of illustration, you were desirous + of arriving at a given place or object, to which there were several roads, + and having traversed one of these till the monotony of the scene had + rendered every object upon it dull and wearisome, would you quarrel with + the traveller who pointed out another road, merely because it was a new + one? Considering the impatience of our young friends, the one to return to + scenes in which alone he can <span class="pagenum">[6]</span>live, and the + other to realize ideal dreams of happiness, painted in all the glowing + tints that a warm imagination and youthful fancy can pourtray, it will be + impossible longer to continue the argument. Let me, therefore, entreat you + to cut it short—accompany us in our rapid pursuit after Life in + London; nor risk for the sake of a little peevish criticism, the cruel + reflection, that by a refusal, you would, probably, be in <i>at the death</i> + of the Author—by Starvation." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The panting steed the hero's empire feel, + Who sits triumphant o'er the flying wheel, + And as he guides it through th' admiring throng, + With what an air he holds the reins, and smacks the silken thong!" +</pre> + <p> + ORDINARY minds, in viewing distant objects, first see the obstacles that + intervene, magnify the difficulty of surmounting them, and sit down in + despair. The man of genius with his mind's-eye pointed steadfastly, like + the needle towards the pole, on the object of his ambition, meets and + conquers every difficulty in detail, and the mass dissolves before him as + the mountain snow yields, drop by drop, to the progressive but invincible + operation of the solar beam. Our honourable friend was well aware that a + perfect knowledge of the art of driving, and the character of a "<i>first-rate + whip</i>," were objects worthy his ambition; and that, to hold + four-in-hand—turn a corner in style—handle the reins in form—take + a fly off the tip of his leader's ear—square the elbows, and keep + the wrists pliant, were matters as essential to the formation of a man of + fashion as <i>dice or milling</i>: it was a principle he had long laid + down and strictly adhered to, that whatever tended to the completion of + that character, should be acquired to the very acmé of perfection, without + regard to ulterior consequences, or minor pursuits. + </p> + <p> + In an early stage, therefore, of his fashionable course of studies, the + whip became an object of careful solicitude; and after some private + tuition, he first exhibited his prowess about twice a week, on the box of + a Windsor stage, tipping coachy a crown for the indulgence and improvement + it afforded. Few could boast of being more fortunate during a noviciate: + two overturns only occurred in the whole course of practice, and except + the trifling accident of an old lady being killed, a shoulder or two + dislocated, and about half a dozen legs and arms <span class="pagenum">[8]</span>broken, + belonging to people who were not at all known in high life, nothing worthy + of notice may be said to have happened on these occasions. 'Tis true, some + ill-natured remarks appeared in one of the public papers, on the "conduct + of coachmen entrusting the reins to young practitioners, and thus + endangering the lives of his majesty's subjects;" but these passed off + like other philanthropic suggestions of the day, unheeded and forgotten. + </p> + <p> + The next advance of our hero was an important step. The mail-coach is + considered the school; its driver, the great master of the art—the + <i>Phidias</i> of the statuary—the <i>Claude</i> of the + landscape-painter. To approach him without preparatory instruction and + study, would be like an attempt to copy the former without a knowledge of + anatomy, or the latter, while ignorant of perspective. The standard of + excellence—the model of perfection, all that the highest ambition + can attain, is to approach as near as possible the original; to attempt a + deviation, would be to <i>bolt out of the course, snap the curb, and run + riot</i>. Sensible of the importance of his character, accustomed to hold + the reins of arbitrary power; and seated where will is law, the mail-whip + carries in his appearance all that may be expected from his elevated + situation. Stern and sedate in his manner, and given to taciturnity, he + speaks sententiously, or in monosyllables. If he passes on the road even + an humble follower of the profession, with four tidy ones in hand, he + views him with ineffable contempt, and would consider it an irreparable + disgrace to appear conscious of the proximity. Should it be a country + gentleman of large property and influence, and he held the reins, and + handled the whip with a knowledge of the art, so to "get over the ground," + coachy might, perhaps, notice him "<i>en passant</i>," by a slight and + familiar nod; but it is only the peer, or man of first-rate sporting + celebrity, that is honoured with any thing like a familiar mark of + approbation and acquaintance; and these, justly appreciating the proud + distinction, feel higher gratification by it than any thing the monarch + could bestow: it is an inclination of the head, not forward, in the manner + of a nod, but towards the off shoulder, accompanied with a certain jerk + and elevation from the opposite side. But here neither pen nor pencil can + depict; it belongs to him alone whose individual powers can nightly keep + the house <span class="pagenum">[9]</span>in a roar, to catch the living + manner and present it to the eye. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——A merrier man + + Within the limit of becoming mirth, + I never spent an hour's talk withall: + His eye begets occasion for his wit; + For every object that the one doth catch + The other turns to a mirth-moving jest." +</pre> + <p> + And now, gentle reader, if the epithet means any thing, you cannot but + feel disposed to good humour and indulgence: Instead of rattling you off, + as was proposed at our last interview, and whirling you at the rate of + twelve miles an hour, exhausted with fatigue, and half <i>dead</i> in + pursuit of <i>Life</i>, we have proceeded gently along the road, amusing + ourselves by the way, rather with drawing than driving. 'Tis high time, + however, we made some little progress in our journey: "Come Bob, take the + reins—push on—keep moving—touch up the leader into a + hand-gallop—give Snarler his head—that's it my tight one, keep + out of the ruts—mind your quartering—not a gig, buggy, tandem, + or tilbury, have we yet seen on the road—what an infernal place for + a human being to inhabit!—curse me if I had not as lief emigrate to + the back settlements of America: one might find some novelty and amusement + there—I'd have the woods cleared—cut out some turnpike-roads, + and, like Palmer, start the first mail"——"Stop, Tom, don't set + off yet to the Illinois—here's something ahead, but what the devil + it is I cant guess—why it's a barge on wheels, and drove + four-in-hand."—"Ha, ha—barge indeed, Bob, you seem to know as + much about coaches as Snarler does of Back-gammon: I suppose you never see + any thing in this quarter but the old heavy Bridgewater—why we have + half a dozen new launches every week, and as great a variety of names, + shape, size, and colour, as there are ships in the navy—we have the + heavy coach, light coach, Caterpillar, and Mail—the Balloon, Comet, + Fly, Dart, Regulator, Telegraph, Courier, Times, High-flyer, Hope, with as + many others as would fill a list as long as my tandem-whip. What you now + see is one of the <i>new patent safety-coaches</i>—you can't have an + overturn if you're ever so disposed for a spree. The old city cormorants, + after a gorge of mock-turtle, turn into them for a journey, and drop off + in a <span class="pagenum">[10]</span>nap, with as much confidence of + security to their neck and limbs as if they had mounted a rocking-horse, + or drop't into an arm-chair."—"Ah! come, the scene improves, and + becomes a little like Life—here's a dasher making up to the Safety—why + its—no, impossible—can't be—gad it is tho'—the + Dart, by all that's good! and drove by Hell-fire Dick!—there's a + fellow would do honour to any box—drove the Cambridge Fly three + months—pass'd every thing on the road, and because he overturned in + three or four hard matches, the stupid rascals of proprietors moved him + off the ground. Joe Spinum, who's at Corpus Christi, matched Dick once for + 50, when he carried five inside and thirteen at top, besides heavy + luggage, against the other Cambridge—never was a prettier race seen + at Newmarket—Dick must have beat hollow, but a d——d fat + alderman who was inside, and felt alarmed at the velocity of the vehicle, + moved to the other end of the seat: this destroyed the equilibrium—over + they went, into a four-feet ditch, and Joe lost his match. However, he had + the satisfaction of hearing afterwards, that the old cormorant who + occasioned his loss, had nearly burst himself by the concussion." + </p> + <p> + "See, see!—Dick's got up to, and wants to give the Safety the go by—gad, + its a race—go it Dick—now Safety—d——d good + cattle both—lay it in to 'em Dick—leaders neck and neck—pretty + race by G——! Ah, its of no use Safety—Dick wont stand it—a + dead beat—there she goes—all up—over by Jove "——"I + can't see for that tree—what do you say Tom, is the race over?"—"Race, + ah! and the coach too—knew Dick would beat him—would have + betted the long odds the moment I saw it was him." + </p> + <p> + The tandem had by this time reached the race-course, and the disaster + which Tom had hardly thought worth noticing in his lively description of + the sport, sure enough had befallen the <i>new 'patent Safety</i>, which + was about mid way between an upright and a side position, supported by the + high and very strong quicksett-hedge against which it hath fallen. Our + heroes dismounted, left Flip at the leader's head, and with Ned, the other + groom, proceeded to offer their services. Whilst engaged in extricating + the horses, which had become entangled in their harness, and were kicking + and plunging, their attention was arrested by the screams and outrageous + vociferations of a very fat, middle-aged woman, who had <span + class="pagenum">[11]</span>been jerked from her seat on the box to one not + quite so smooth—the top of the hedge, which, with the assistance of + an old alder tree, supported the coach. Tom found it impossible to resist + the violent impulse to risibility which the ludicrous appearance of the + old lady excited, and as no serious injury was sustained, determined to + enjoy the fun. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "If e'er a pleasant mischief sprang to view, + At once o'er hedge and ditch away he flew, + Nor left the game till he had run it down." +</pre> + <p> + Approaching her with all the gravity of countenance he was master of—"Madam," + says he, "are we to consider you as one of the Sylvan Deities who preside + over these scenes, or connected in any way with the vehicle?"—"Wehicle, + indeed, you <i>hunhuman-brutes</i>, instead of assisting a poor distressed + female who has been chuck'd from top of that there <i>safety-thing</i>, as + they calls it, into such a dangerous <i>pisition</i>, you must be + chuckling and grinning, must you? I only wish my husband, Mr. Giblet, was + here, he should soon wring your necks, and pluck some of your fine + feathers for you, and make you look as foolish as a peacock without his + tail." Mrs. Giblet's ire at length having subsided, she was handed down in + safety on <i>terra firma</i>, and our heroes transferred their assistance + to the other passengers. The violence of the concussion had burst open the + coach-door on one side, and a London <i>Dandy</i>, of the exquisite genus, + lay in danger of being pressed to a jelly beneath the weight of an infirm + and very stout old farmer, whom they had pick'd up on the road; and it was + impossible to get at, so as to afford relief to the sufferers, till the + coach was raised in a perpendicular position. The farmer was no sooner on + his legs, than clapping his hand with anxious concern into an immense + large pocket, he discovered that a bottle of brandy it contained was + crack'd, and the contents beginning to escape: "I ax pardon, young + gentleman," says he, seizing a hat that the latter held with great care in + his hand, and applying it to catch the liquor—"I ax pardon for + making so free, but I see the hat is a little out of order, and can't be + much hurt; and its a pity to waste the liquor, such a price as it is + now-a-days."—"Sir, what do you mean, shouldn't have thought of your + taking such liberties indeed, but makes good the old saying—impudence + and <span class="pagenum">[12]</span>ignorance go together: my hat out of + order, hey! I'd have you to know, Sir, that <i>that there</i> hat was + bought of Lloyd, in Newgate-street,{1} only last Thursday,-and cost + eighteen shillings; and if you look at the book in his <i>vindow</i> on + hats, dedicated to the head, you'll find that this here hat is a real + exquisite; so much for what you know about hats, my old fellow—I + burst my stays all to pieces in saving it from being squeezed out of + shape, and now this old brute has made a brandy-bottle of it."—"Oh! + oh! my young Miss in disguise," replied the farmer, "I thought I smelt a + rat when the Captain left the coach, under pretence of walking up the hill—what, + I suppose vou are bound for Gretna, both of vou, hev young Lady?" + </p> + <p> + Every thing appertaining to the coach being now righted, our young friends + left the company to adjust their quarrels and pursue their journey at + discretion, anxious to reach the next town as expeditiously as possible, + where they purposed sleeping for the night. They mounted the tandem, smack + went the whip, and in a few minutes the stage-coach and its motley group + had disappeared. + </p> + <p> + Having reached their destination, and passed the night comfortably, they + next morning determined to kill an hour or two in the town; and were + taking a stroll arm in arm, when perceiving by a playbill, that an amateur + of fashion from the theatres royal, Drury Lane and Haymarket, was just <i>come + in</i>, and would shortly <i>come out</i>, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It would be injustice to great talents, not to notice, + among other important discoveries and improvements of the + age, the labours of Lloyd, who has classified and arranged + whatever relates to that necessary article of personal + elegance, the Hat. He has given the world a volume on the + subject of Hats, dedicated to their great patron, the Head, + in which all the endless varieties of shape, dependent + before on mere whim and caprice, are reduced to fixed + principles, and designated after the great characters by + which each particular fashion was first introduced. The + advantages to gentlemen residing in the country must be + incalculable: they have only to refer to the engravings in + Mr. Lloyd's work, where every possible variety is clearly + defined, and to order such as may suit the rank or character + in life they either possess, or wish to assume. The + following enumeration comprises a few of the latest fashions: + —The Wellington—The Regent—The Caroline—The + Bashful—The Dandy—The Shallow—The Exquisite—The Marquis + —The New Dash—The Clerieus—The Tally-ho—The Noble Lord— + The Taedum—The Bang-up—The Irresistible—The Bon Ton—The + Paris Beau—The Baronet—The Eccentric—The Bit of Blood, + &c. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[13]</span>in a favourite character, they + immediately directed their steps towards a barn, with the hope of + witnessing a rehearsal. Chance introduced them to the country manager, and + Tom having asked several questions about this candidate, was assured by + Mr. Mist: + </p> + <p> + "Oh! he is a gentleman-performer, and very useful to us managers, for he + not only finds his own dresses and properties, but 'struts and frets his + hour on the stage without any emoluments. His aversion to salary + recommended him to the lessee of Drury-lane theatre, though his services + had been previously rejected by the sub-committee." + </p> + <p> + "Can it be that game-cock, the gay Lothario," said Tom, "who sports an + immensity of diamonds?"— + </p> + <p> + Of Coates's frolics he of course well knew, Rare pastime for the + ragamuffin crew! Who welcome with the crowing of a cock, This hero of the + buskin and sock. + </p> + <p> + "Oh! no," rejoined Mr. Mist, "that cock don't crow now: this gentleman, I + assure you, has been at a theatrical school; he was instructed by the + person who made Master Bettv a young Roscius." + </p> + <p> + Tom shook his head, as if he doubted the abilities of this instructed + actor. To be a performer, he thought as arduous as to be a poet; and if <i>poeta + nascitur, non fit</i>—consequently an actor must have natural + abilities. + </p> + <p> + "And pray what character did this gentleman enact at Drury-lane Theatre?" + </p> + <p> + "Hamlet, Prince of Denmark," answered Mr. Mist—"Shakespeare is his + favourite author." + </p> + <p> + "And what said the critics—'to be, or not to be'—I suppose he + repeated the character?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh! Sir, it was stated in the play-bill, that he met with great applause, + and he was announced for the character again; but, as the Free List was + not suspended, and our amateur dreaded some hostility from that quarter, + he performed the character by proxy, and repeated it at the Little Theatre + in the Haymarket." + </p> + <p> + "Then the gentlemen of the Free List," remarked Bob, "are free and easy?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes—yes—they laugh and cough whenever they please: indeed, + they are generally excluded whenever a <span class="pagenum">[14]</span>full + house is expected, as <i>ready money</i> is an object to the poor manager + of Drury-lane Theatre. The British Press, however, is always excepted." + </p> + <p> + "The British press!—Oh! you mean the newspapers," exclaimed Tom—"then + I dare say they were very favourable to this Amateur of Fashion?" + </p> + <p> + "No—not very—indeed; they don't join the manager in his puffs, + notwithstanding his marked civility to them: one said he was a methodist + preacher, and sermonized the character—another assimilated him to a + school-boy saying his lesson—in short, they were very ill-natured—but + hush—here he is—walk in, gentlemen, and you shall hear him + rehearse some of King Richard"— + </p> + <p> + "King Richard!" What ambition! thought Bob to himself—"late a + Prince, and now—a king!" + </p> + <p> + "I assure you," continued Mr. Mist, "that all his readings are new; but + according to my humble observation, his action does not always suit the + word—for when he exclaims—' may Hell make crook'd my mind,' he + looks up to Heaven"— + </p> + <p> + "Looks up to Heaven!" exclaimed Tom; "then this London star makes a + solecism with his eyes." + </p> + <p> + Our heroes now went into the barn, and took a private corner, when they + remained invisible. Their patience was soon exhausted, and Bob and his + honourable cousin were both on the fidgits, when the representative of + King Richard exclaimed— + </p> + <p> + "Give me a horse——" + </p> + <p> + "—Whip!" added Tom with stunning vociferation, before King Richard + could bind up his wounds. The amateur started, and betrayed consummate + embarrassment, as if the horsewhip had actually made its entrance. Tom and + his companion stole away, and left the astounded monarch with the words—"twas + all a dream." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +While returning to the inn, our heroes mutually commented on the +ambition and folly of those amateurs of fashion, who not only sacrifice +time and property, but absolutely take abundant pains to render +themselves ridiculous. "Certainly," says Tom, "this <i>cacoethes ludendi</i> +has made fools of several: this infatuated youth though not possessed +of a single requisite for the stage, no doubt flatters himself he is +a second Kean; and, regardless <span class="pagenum">[15]</span>of his birth and family, he will +continue his strolling life + + Till the broad shame comes staring in his face, + And critics hoot the blockhead as he struts." +</pre> + <p> + Having now reached the inn, and finding every thing adjusted for their + procedure, our heroes mounted their vehicle, and went in full gallop for + Real Life in London. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Round, round, and round-about, they whiz, they fly, + With eager worrying, whirling here and there, + They know, nor whence, nor whither, where, nor why. + In utter hurry-scurry, going, coming, + Maddening the summer air with ceaseless humming." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[16]</span>OUR travellers now approached at a rapid + rate, the desideratim of their eager hopes and wishes: to one all was + novel, wonderful, and fascinating; to the other, it was the welcome return + to an old and beloved friend, the separation from whom had but increased + the ardour of attachment.—"We, now," says Dashall, "are approaching + Hyde-Park, and being Sunday, a scene will at once burst upon you, far + surpassing in reality any thing I have been able to pourtray, + notwithstanding the flattering compliments you have so often paid to my + talents for description." + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="Page16 Hyde-park" src="images/page016.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + They had scarcely entered the Park-gate, when Lady Jane Townley's carriage + crossed them, and Tom immediately approached it, to pay his respects to an + old acquaintance. Her lady-ship congratulated him on his return to town, + lamented the serious loss the <i>beau-monde</i> had sustained by his + absence, and smiling archly at his young friend, was happy to find he had + not returned empty-handed, but with a recruit, whose appearance promised a + valuable accession to their select circle. "You would not have seen me + here," continued her ladyship, "but I vow and protest it is utterly + impossible to make a prisoner of one's self, such a day as this, merely + because it is Sunday—for my own part, I wish there was no such thing + as a Sunday in the whole year—there's no knowing what to do with + one's self. When fine, it draws out as many insects as a hot sun and a + shower of rain can produce in the middle of June. The vulgar plebeians + flock so, that you can scarcely get into your barouche without being + hustled by the men-milliners, linen-drapers, and shop-boys, who <span + class="pagenum">[17]</span>have been serving you all the previous part of + the week; and wet, or dry, there's no bearing it. For my part, I am <i>ennuyée</i>, + beyond measure, on that day, and find no little difficulty in getting + through it without a fit of the horrors. + </p> + <p> + "What a legion of counter-coxcombs!" exclaimed she, as we passed + Grosvenor-gate. "Upon the plunder of the till, or by overcharging some + particular article sold on the previous day, it is easy for these <i>once-a-week</i> + beaux to hire a tilbury, and an awkward groom in a pepper and salt, or + drab coat, like the <i>incog.</i> of the royal family, to mix with their + betters and sport their persons in the drive of fashion: some of the + monsters, too, have the impudence of bowing to ladies whom they do not + know, merely to give them an air, or pass off their customers for their + acquaintance: its very distressing. There!" continued she, "there goes my + plumassier, with gilt spurs like a field-officer, and riding as + importantly as if he were one of the Lords of the Treasury; or—ah! + there, again, is my banker's clerk, so stiff and so laced up, that he + might pass for an Egyptian mummy—the self-importance of these + puppies is insufferable! What impudence! he has picked up some groom out + of place, with a cockade in his hat, by way of imposing on the world for a + <i>beau militaire</i>. What will the world come to! I really have not + common patience with these creatures. I have long since left off going to + the play on a Saturday night, because, independently of my preference for + the Opera, these insects from Cornhill or Whitechapel, shut up their + shops, cheat their masters, and commence their airs of importance about + nine o'clock. Then again you have the same party crowding the Park on a + Sunday; but on the following day, return, like school boys, to their work, + and you see them with their pen behind their ear, calculating how to make + up for their late extravagances, pestering you with lies, and urging you + to buy twice as much as you want, then officiously offering their arm at + your carriage-door." + </p> + <p> + Capt. Bergamotte at this moment came up to the carriage, perfumed like a + milliner, his colour much heightened by some vegetable dye, and resolved + neither to "blush unseen," nor "waste his sweetness on the desert air." + Two false teeth in front, shamed the others a little in their ivory + polish, and his breath savoured of myrrh like a heathen sacrifice, or the + incense burned in <span class="pagenum">[18]</span>one of their temples. + He thrust his horse's head into the carriage, rather abruptly and + indecorously, (as one not accustomed to the haut-ton might suppose) but it + gave no offence. He smiled affectedly, adjusted his hat, pulled a lock of + hair across his forehead, with a view of shewing the whiteness of the + latter, and next, that the glossiness of the former must have owed its + lustre to at least two hours brushing, arranging, and perfuming; used his + quizzing-glass, and took snuff with a flourish. Lady Townley condescended + to caress the horse, and to display her lovely white arm ungloved, with + which she patted the horse's neck, and drew a hundred admiring eyes. + </p> + <p> + The exquisite all this time brushed the animal gently with a + highly-scented silk handkerchief, after which he displayed a cambric one, + and went through a thousand little playful airs and affectations, which + Bob thought would have suited a fine lady better than a lieutenant in his + Majesty's brigade of guards. Applying the lines of an inimitable satire, + (The Age of Frivolity) to the figure before him, he concluded: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "That gaudy dress and decorations gay, + The tinsel-trappings of a vain array. + The spruce trimm'd jacket, and the waving plume, + The powder'd head emitting soft perfume; + These may make fops, but never can impart + The soldier's hardy frame, or daring heart; + May in Hyde-Park present a splendid train, + But are not weapons for a dread campaign; + May please the fair, who like a tawdry beau, + But are not fit to check an active foe; + Such heroes may acquire sufficient skill + To march erect, and labour through a drill; + In some sham-fight may manfully hold out, + But must not hope an enemy to rout." +</pre> + <p> + Although he talked a great deal, the whole amount of his discourse was to + inform her Ladyship that (<i>Stilletto</i>) meaning his horse, (who in + truth appeared to possess more fire and spirit than his rider could either + boast of or command,) had cost him only 700 guineas, and was <i>prime + blood</i>; that the horse his groom rode, was <i>nothing but a </i>good + one<i>, and had run at the </i>Craven—that he had been prodigiously + fortunate that season on the turf—that he was a bold rider, and + could not bear himself without a fine high spirited animal—and, that + being engaged to dine at <span class="pagenum">[19]</span>three places + that day, he was desperately at a loss to know how he should act; but that + if her Ladyship dined at any one of the three, he would certainly join + that party, and <i>cut</i> the other two. + </p> + <p> + At this moment, a mad-brained ruffian of quality, with a splendid + equipage, came driving by with four in hand, and exclaimed as he flew + past, in an affected tone,—"All! Tom, my dear fellow,—why + where the devil have you hid yourself of late?" The speed of his cattle + prevented the possibility of reply. "Although you see him in such + excellent trim," observed Tom to Lady Jane, "though his cattle and + equipage are so well appointed, would you suppose, it, he has but just + made his appearance from the Bench after <i>white-washing?</i> But he is a + noble spirited fellow," remarked the exquisite, "drives the best horses, + and is one of the first whips in town; always gallant and gay, full of + life and good humour; and, I am happy to say, he has now a dozen of as + fine horses as any in Christendom, <i>bien entendu</i>, kept in my name." + After this explanation of the characters of his friend and his horses, he + kissed his hand to her Ladyship, and was out of sight in an instant, + "Adieu, adieu, thou dear, delightful sprig of fashion!" said Lady Jane, as + he left the side of the carriage.—"Fashion and folly," said Tom, + half whispering, and recalling to his mind the following lines:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Oh! Fashion, to thy wiles, thy votaries owe + Unnumber'd pangs of sharp domestic woe. + What broken tradesmen and abandon'd wives + Curse thy delusion through their wretched lives; + What pale-faced spinsters vent on thee their rage, + And youths decrepid e're they come of age." +</pre> + <p> + His moralizing reverie was however interrupted by her Ladyship, who + perceiving a group of females decked in the extreme of Parisian fashions, + "there," said she, "there is all that taffeta, feathers, flowers, and lace + can do; and yet you see by their loud talking, their being unattended by a + servant, and by the bit of straw adhering to the pettycoat of one of them, + that they come all the way from Fish Street Hill, or the Borough, in a + hackney-coach, and are now trying to play off the airs of women of + fashion." + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Marvellous now drew up close to the party. "My dear Lady Jane," said + she, "1 am positively suffocated with dust, and sickened with vulgarity; + but to be sure we <span class="pagenum">[20]</span>have every thing in + London here, from the House of Peers to Waterloo House. I must tell you + about the trial, and Lady Barbara's mortification, and about poor Mr. R.'s + being arrested, and the midnight flight to the Continent of our poor + friend W——." + </p> + <p> + With this brief, but at the same time comprehensive introduction, she + lacerated the reputation of almost all her acquaintance, and excited great + attention from the party, which had been joined by several during her + truly interesting intelligence. Every other topic in a moment gave way to + this delightful amusement, and each with volubility contributed his or her + share to the general stock of slander. + </p> + <p> + Scandal is at all times the <i>sauce piquante</i> that <i>currys</i> + incident in every situation; and where is the fashionable circle that can + sit down to table without made dishes?—Character is the good + old-fashioned roast beef of the table, which no one touches but to mangle + and destroy. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Lord! who'd have thought our cousin D + Could think of marrying Mrs. E. + True I don't like such things to tell; + But, faith, I pity Mrs. L, + And was I her, the bride to vex, + I would engage with Mrs. X. + But they do say that Charlotte U, + With Fanny M, and we know who, + Occasioned all, for you must know + They set their caps at Mr. O. + And as he courted Mrs. E, + They thought, if she'd have cousin D, + That things might be by Colonel A + Just brought about in their own way." +</pre> + <p> + Our heroes now took leave, and proceeded through the Park. "Who is that + fat, fair, and forty-looking dame, in the landau?" says Bob.—"Your + description shews," rejoined his friend, "you are but a novice in the + world of fashion—you are deceived, that lady is as much made up as a + wax-doll. She has been such as she now appears to be for these last five + and twenty years; her figure as you see, rather en-bon point, is friendly + to the ravages of time, and every lineament of age is artfully filled up + by an expert fille de chambre, whose time has been employed at the + toilette of a celebrated devotee in Paris. She drives through the Park as + a matter of course, merely to furnish an opportunity for saying that she + has been there: but the more important business of the morning will be + transacted <span class="pagenum">[21]</span>at her boudoir, in the King's + Road, where every luxury is provided to influence the senses; and where, + by daily appointment, she is expected to meet a sturdy gallant. She is a + perfect Messalina in her enjoyments; but her rank in society protects her + from sustaining any injury by her sentimental wanderings. + </p> + <p> + "Do you see that tall handsome man on horseback, who has just taken off + his hat to her, he is a knight of the ... ribbon; and a well-known + flutterer among the ladies, as well as a vast composer of pretty little + nothings."—"Indeed! and pray, cousin, do you see that lady of + quality, just driving in at the gate in a superb yellow vis-à-vis,—as + you seem to know every body, who is she?" + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! ha!" replied Tom, almost bursting with laughter, yet endeavouring + to conceal it, "that Lady of Quality, as you are inclined to think her, a + very few years since, was nothing more than a pot-girl to a publican in + Marj'-le-bone; but an old debauchee (upon the look out for defenceless + beauty) admiring the fineness of her form, the brilliancy of her eye, and + the symmetry of her features, became the possessor of her person, and took + her into keeping, as one of the indispensable appendages of fashionable + life, after a month's ablution at Margate, where he gave her masters of + every description. Her understanding was ready, and at his death, which + happened, luckily for her, before satiety had extinguished appetite, she + was left with an annuity of twelve hundred pounds—improved beauty—superficial + accomplishments—and an immoderate share of caprice, insolence, and + vanity. As a proof of this, I must tell you that at an elegant + entertainment lately given by this dashing cyprian, she demolished a + desert service of glass and china that cost five hundred guineas, in a fit + of passionate ill-humour; and when her paramour intreated her to be more + composed, she became indignant—called for her writing-desk in a rage—committed + a settlement of four hundred a year, which he had made but a short time + previously, to the flames, and asked him, with, a self-important air, + whether he dared to suppose that <i>paltry</i> parchment gave him an + authority to direct her actions?" + </p> + <p> + "And what said the lover to this severe remonstrance?" + </p> + <p> + "Say,—why he very sensibly made her a low bow, thanked her for her + kindness, in releasing him from his bond, and took his leave of her, + determined to return no more." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[22]</span>"Turn to the right," says Tom, "and + yonder you will see on horseback, that staunch patriot, and friend of the + people, Sir——, of whom you must have heard so much." + </p> + <p> + "He has just come out of the K——B——, having + completed last week the term of imprisonment, to which he was sentenced + for a libel on Government, contained in his address to his constituents on + the subject of the memorable Manchester Meeting." + </p> + <p> + "Ah! indeed, and is that the red-hot patriot?—well, I must say I + have often regretted he should have gone to such extremes in one or two + instances, although I ever admired his general character for firmness, + manly intrepidity, and disinterested conduct." + </p> + <p> + "You are right, Bob, perfectly right; but you know, 'to err is human, to + forgive divine,' and however he may err, he does so from principle. In his + private character, as father, husband, friend, and polished gentleman, he + has very few equals—no superior. + </p> + <p> + "He is a branch of one of the most ancient families in the kingdom, and + can trace his ancestors without interruption, from the days of William the + Conqueror. His political career has been eventful, and perhaps has cost + him more, both in pocket and person, than any Member of Parliament now + existing. He took his seat in the House of Commons at an early age, and + first rendered himself popular by his strenuous opposition to a bill + purporting to regulate the publication of newspapers. + </p> + <p> + "The next object of his determined reprehension, was the Cold-Bath-Fields + Prison, and the treatment of the unfortunates therein confined. The + uniformly bold and energetic language made use of by the honourable + Baronet upon that occasion, breathed the true spirit of British liberty. + He reprobated the unconstitutional measure of erecting what he termed a <i>Bastile</i> + in the very heart of a free country, as one that could neither have its + foundation in national policy, nor eventually be productive of private + good. He remarked that prisons, at which private punishments, cruel as + they were illegal, were exercised, at the mercy of an unprincipled gaoler—cells + in which human beings were exposed to the horrors of heart-sickening + solitude, and depressed in spirit by their restriction to a scanty and + exclusive allowance of bread and water, were not only incompatible with + the spirit of the constitution, but were likely to prove injurious to the + spirit of the <span class="pagenum">[23]</span>people of this happy + country; for as Goldsmith admirably remarks, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Princes and Lords may nourish or may fade, + A breath can make them as a breath hath made, + But a bold peasantry their country's pride, + When once destroyed can never be supplied." +</pre> + <p> + "<i>And if this be not tyranny</i>" continued the philanthropic orator, "<i>it + is impossible to define the term. I promise you here</i> that I will + persevere to the last in unmasking this wanton abuse of justice and + humanity." His invincible fortitude in favour of the people, has rendered + him a distinguished favourite among them: and though by some he is termed + a visionary, an enthusiast, and a tool of party, his adherence to the + rights of the subject, and his perseverance to uphold the principles of + the constitution, are deserving the admiration of every Englishman; and + although his fortune is princely, and has been at his command ever since + an early age, he has never had his name registered among the fashionable + gamesters at the clubs in St. James's-street, Newmarket, or elsewhere. He + labours in the vineyard of utility rather than in the more luxuriant + garden of folly; and, according to general conception, may emphatically be + called an honest man. "But come," said Tom, "it is time for us to move + homeward—the company are drawing off I see, we must shape our course + towards Piccadilly." + </p> + <p> + They dashed through the Park, not however without being saluted by many of + his fashionable friends, who rejoiced to see that the Honourable Tom + Dashall was again to be numbered among the votaries of Real Life in + London; while the young squire, whose visionary orbs appeared to be in + perpetual motion, dazzled with the splendid equipages of the moving + panorama, was absorbed in reflections somewhat similar to the following: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "No spot on earth to me is half so fair + As Hyde-Park Corner, or St. James's Square; + And Happiness has surely fix'd her seat + In Palace Yard, Pall Mall, or Downing Street: + Are hills, and dales, and valleys half so gay + As bright St. James's on a levee day? + What fierce ecstatic transports fire my soul, + To hear the drivers swear, the coaches roll; + The Courtier's compliment, the Ladies' clack, + The satins rustle, and the whalebone crack!" +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Together let us beat this ample field + Try what the open, what the covert yield: + The latent tracts, the giddy heights explore + Of all who blindly creep, or sightless soar; + Eye nature's walks, shoot folly as it flies, + And catch the manners living as they rise." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[24]</span>IT was half past five when the Hon. Tom + Dashall, and his enraptured cousin, reached the habitation of the former, + who had taken care to dispatch a groom, apprizing Mrs. Watson, the + house-keeper, of his intention to be at home by half past six to dinner; + consequently all was prepared for their reception. The style of elegance + in which Tom appeared to move, struck Tallyho at once with delight and + astonishment, as they entered the drawing-room; which was superbly and + tastefully fitted up, and commanded a cheerful view of Piccadilly. + "Welcome, my dear Bob!" said Tom to his cousin, "to all the delights of + Town—come, tell me what you think of its first appearance, only + remember you commence your studies of Life in London on a dull day; + to-morrow you will have more enlivening prospects before you." "'Why in + truth," replied Bob, "the rapidity of attraction is such, as at present to + leave no distinct impressions on my mind; all appears like enchantment, + and I am completely bewildered in a labyrinth of wonders, to which there + appears to be no end; but under your kind guidance and tuition I may prove + myself an apt scholar, in unravelling its intricacies." By this time they + had approached the window. + </p> + <p> + "Aye, aye," says Dashall, "we shall not be long, I see, without some + object to exercise your mind upon, and dispel the horrors. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Oh for that Muse of fire, whose burning pen + Records the God-like deeds of valiant men! + Then might our humble, yet aspiring verse, + Our matchless hero's matchless deeds rehearse." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[25]</span>Bob was surprised at this sudden + exclamation of his cousin, and from the introduction naturally expected + something extraordinary, though he looked around him without discovering + his object. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +"That," continued Tom, "is a Peer"—pointing to a gig just turning the +corner, "of whom it may be said: + + To many a jovial club that <i>Peer</i> was known, + With whom his active wit unrivall'd shone, + Choice spirit, grave freemason, buck and blood, + Would crowd his stories and <i>bon mots</i> to hear, + And none a disappointment e'er need fear + His humour flow'd in such a copious flood." +</pre> + <p> + "It is Lord C——, who was formerly well known as the celebrated + Major H——, the companion of the now most distinguished + personage in the British dominions! and who not long since became + possessed of his lordly honours. Some particulars of him are worth + knowing. He was early introduced into life, and often kept both good and + bad company, associating with men and women of every description and of + every rank, from the highest to the lowest—from St. James's to St. + Giles's, in palaces and night-cellars—from the drawing-room to the + dust-cart. He can drink, swear, tell stories, cudgel, box, and smoke with + any one; having by his intercourse with society fitted himself for all + companies. His education has been more practical than theoretical, though + he was brought up at Eton, where, notwithstanding he made considerable + progress in his studies, he took such an aversion to Greek that he never + would learn it. Previous to his arrival at his present title, he used to + be called Honest George, and so unalterable is his nature, that to this + hour he likes it, and it fits him better than his title. But he has often + been sadly put to his shifts under various circumstances: he was a + courtier, but was too honest for that; he tried gaming, but he was too + honest for that; he got into prison, and might have wiped off, but he was + too honest for that; he got into the coal trade, but he found it a black + business, and he was too honest for that. At drawing the long bow, so much + perhaps cannot be said—but that you know is habit, not principle; + his courage is undoubted, having fought three duels before he was twenty + years of age. + </p> + <p> + Being disappointed in his hope of promotion in the army, he resolved, in + spite of the remonstrances of his <span class="pagenum">[26]</span>friends, + to quit the guards, and solicited an appointment in one of the Hessian + corps, at that time raising for the British service in America, where the + war of the revolution was then commencing, and obtained from the Landgrave + of Hesse a captain's commission in his corps of Jagers. + </p> + <p> + Previous to his departure for America, finding he had involved himself in + difficulties by a profuse expenditure, too extensive for his income, and + an indulgence in the pleasures of the turf to a very great extent, he felt + himself under the necessity of mortgaging an estate of about 11,000L. per + annum, left him by his aunt, and which proved unequal to the liquidation + of his debts. He remained in America till the end of the war, where he + distinguished himself for bravery, and suffered much with the yellow + fever. On his return, he obtained an introduction to the Prince of Wales, + who by that time had lanched into public life, and became one of the + jovial characters whom he selected for his associates; and many are the + amusing anecdotes related of him. The Prince conferred on him the + appointment of equerry, with a salary of 300L. a year; this, however, he + lost on the retrenchments that were afterwards made in the household of + His Royal Highness. He continued, however, to be one of his constant + companions, and while in his favour they were accustomed to practice + strange vagaries. The Major was always a wag, ripe and ready for a <i>spree + or a lark</i>. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "To him a frolic was a high delight, + A frolic he would hunt for, day and night, + Careless how prudence on the sport might frown." +</pre> + <p> + At one time, when the favourite's finances were rather low, and the <i>mopusses + ran taper</i>, it was remarked among the 60 vivants of the party, that the + Major had not for some time given them an invitation. This, however, he + promised to do, and fixed the day—the Prince having engaged to make + one. Upon this occasion he took lodgings in Tottenham-court Road—went + to a wine-merchant—promised to introduce him to the royal presence, + upon his engaging to find wine for the party, which was readily acceded + to; and a dinner of three courses was served up. Three such courses, + perhaps, were never before seen; when the company were seated, two large + dishes appeared; one was placed at the top of the table, and one at the + bottom; all was anxious expectation: <span class="pagenum">[27]</span>the + covers being removed, exhibited to view, a baked shoulder of mutton at + top, and baked potatoes at the bottom. They all looked around with + astonishment, but, knowing the general eccentricity of their host, they + readily fell into his humour, and partook of his fare; not doubting but + the second course would make ample amends for the first. The wine was + good, and the Major apologized for his accommodations, being, as he said, + a family sort of man, and the dinner, though somewhat uncommon, was not + such an one as is described by Goldsmith: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "At the top, a fried liver and bacon were seen; + At the bottom was tripe, in a swinging tureen; + At the sides there were spinach and pudding made hot; + In the middle a place where the pasty—was not." +</pre> + <p> + At length the second course appeared; when lo and behold, another baked + shoulder of mutton and baked potatoes! Surprise followed surprise—but + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Another and another still succeeds." +</pre> + <p> + The third course consisted of the same fare, clearly proving that he had + in his catering studied quantity more than variety; however, they enjoyed + the joke, eat as much as they pleased, laughed heartily at the dinner, and + after bumpering till a late hour, took their departure: it is said, + however, that he introduced the wine-merchant to his Highness, who + afterwards profited by his orders.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This remarkable dinner reminds us of a laughable + caricature which made its appearance some time ago upon the + marriage of a Jew attorney, in Jewry-street, Aldgate, to the + daughter of a well-known fishmonger, of St. Peter's-alley, + Cornhill, when a certain Baronet, Alderman, Colonel, and + then Lord Mayor, opened the ball at the London Tavern, as + the partner of the bride; a circum-stance which excited + considerable curiosity and surprise at the time. We know the + worthy Baronet had been a hunter for a seat in Parliament, + but what he could be hunting among the children of Israel + is, perhaps, not so easily ascertained. We, however, are not + speaking of the character, but the caricature, which + represented the bride, not resting on Abraham's bosom, but + seated on his knee, surrounded by their guests at the + marriage-feast; while to a panel just behind them, appears + to be affixed a bill of fare, which runs thus: + + First course, Fish! + + Second course, Fish!! + + Third course, Fish!!! + + Perhaps the idea of the artist originated in the anecdote + above recorded. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[28]</span>It is reported that the Prince gave him a + commission, under an express promise that when he could not shew it, he + was no longer to enjoy his royal favour. This commission was afterwards + lost by the improvident possessor, and going to call on the donor one + morning, who espying him on his way, he threw up the sash and called out, + "Well, George, commission or no commission?" "No commission, by G——, + your Highness?" was the reply. + </p> + <p> + "Then you cannot enter here," rejoined the prince, closing the window and + the connection at the same time. + </p> + <p> + "His Lordship now resides in the Regent's Park, and may almost nightly be + seen at a public-house in the neighbourhood, where he takes his grog and + smokes his pipe, amusing the company around him with anecdotes of his + former days; we may, perhaps, fall in with him some night in our travels, + and you will find him a very amusing and sometimes very sensible sort of + fellow, till he gets his grog on board, when he can be as boisterous and + blustering as a coal-heaver or a bully. His present fortune is impaired by + his former imprudence, but he still mingles with the sporting world, and a + short time back had his pocket picked, at a <i>milling</i> match, of a + valuable gold repeater. He has favoured the world with several literary + productions, among which are Memoirs of his own Life, embellished with a + view of the author, suspended from (to use the phrase of a late celebrated + auctioneer) a <i>hanging wood</i>; and a very elaborate treatise on the + Art of Rat-catching. In the advertisement of the latter work, the author + engages it will enable the reader to "clear any house of these noxious + vermin, however much infested, excepting only a certain great House in the + neighbourhood of St. Stephen's, Westminster."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It appears by the newspapers, that the foundation of a + certain great house in Pall Mall is rotten, and giving-way. + The cause is not stated; but as it cannot arise from being + top-heavy, we may presume that the rats have been at work + there. Query, would not an early application of the Major's + recipe have remedied the evil, and prevented the necessity + of a removal of a very heavy body, which of course, must be + attended with a very heavy expense? 'Tis a pity an old + friend should have been overlooked on such an occasion. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[29]</span>"Do you," said Tom, pointing to a person + on the other side of the way, "see that young man, walking with a + half-smothered air of indifference, affecting to whistle as he walks, and + twirling his stick? He is a <i>once-a-week man</i>, or, in other words, a + <i>Sunday promenader</i>—Harry Hairbrain was born of a good family, + and, at the decease of his father, became possessed of ten thousand + pounds, which he sported with more zeal than discretion, so much so, that + having been introduced to the gaming table by a pretended friend, and + fluctuated between poverty and affluence for four years, he found himself + considerably in debt, and was compelled to seek refuge in an obscure + lodging, somewhere in the neighbourhood of Kilburn, in order to avoid the + <i>traps</i>; for, as he observes, he has been among the <i>Greeks and + pigeons</i>, who have completely <i>rook'd</i> him, and now want to crow + over him: he has been at hide and seek for the last two months, and, + depending on the death of a rich old maiden aunt who has no other heir, he + eventually hopes to '<i>diddle 'em</i>.'" + </p> + <p> + This narrative of Hairbrain was like Hebrew ta Tallyho, who requested his + interesting cousin, as he found himself at <i>falt, to try back</i>, and + put him on the <i>right scent</i>. + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! ha!" said Tom, "we must find a new London vocabulary, I see, + before we shall be able to converse intelligibly; but as you are now + solely under my tuition, I will endeavour to throw a little light upon the + subject. + </p> + <p> + "Your <i>once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader</i>, is one who confines + himself, to avoid confinement, lodging in remote quarters in the vicinity + of the Metropolis, within a mile or two of the Bridges, Oxford Street, or + Hyde-Park Corner, and is constrained to waste six uncomfortable and + useless days in the week, in order to secure the enjoyment of the seventh, + when he fearlessly ventures forth, to recruit his ideas—to give a + little variety to the sombre picture of life, unmolested, to transact his + business, or to call on some old friend, and keep up those relations with + the world which would otherwise be completely neglected or broken. + </p> + <p> + "Among characters of this description, may frequently be recognised the + remnant of fashion, and, perhaps, the impression of nobility not wholly + destroyed by adversity and seclusion—the air and manners of a man + who has <span class="pagenum">[30]</span>outlived his century, with an + assumption of <i>sans souci</i> pourtrayed in his agreeable smile, + murmur'd through a low whistle of 'Begone dull care,' or 'No more by + sorrow chased, my heart,' or played off by the flourishing of a whip, or + the rapping of a boot that has a spur attached to it, which perhaps has + not crossed a horse for many months; and occasionally by a judicious + glance at another man's carriage, horses, or appointments, which indicates + taste, and the former possession of such valuable things. These form a + part of the votaries of Real Life in London. This however," said he + (observing his cousin in mute attention) "is but a gloomy part of the + scene; vet, perhaps, not altogether uninteresting or unprofitable." + </p> + <p> + "I can assure you," replied Tallyho, "I am delighted with the accurate + knowledge you appear to have of society in general, while I regret the + situation of the actors in scenes so glowingly described, and am only + astonished at the appearance of such persons." + </p> + <p> + "You must not be astonished at appearances," rejoined Dashall, "for + appearance is every thing in London; and I must particularly warn you not + to found your judgment upon it. There is an old adage, which says 'To <i>be</i> + poor, and <i>seem</i> poor, is the Devil all over.' Why, if you meet one + of these <i>Sunday-men</i>, he will accost you with urbanity and affected + cheerfulness, endeavouring to inspire you with an idea that he is one of + the happiest of mortals; while, perhaps, the worm of sorrow is secretly + gnawing his heart, and preying upon his constitution. Honourable + sentiment, struggling with untoward circumstances, is destroying his + vitals; not having the courage to pollute his character by a + jail-delivery, or to condescend to <i>white-washing</i>, or some low + bankrupt trick, to extricate himself from difficulty, in order to stand + upright again. + </p> + <p> + "A <i>once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader</i>, frequently takes his way + through bye streets and short cuts, through courts and alleys, as it were + between retirement and a desire to see what is going on in the scenes of + his former splendour, to take a sly peep at that world from which he seems + to be excluded." + </p> + <p> + "And for all such men," replied Bob, "expelled from high and from good + society, (even though I were compelled to allow by their own imprudence + and folly) I <span class="pagenum">[31]</span>should always like to have a + spare hundred, to send them in an anonymous cover." + </p> + <p> + "You are right," rejoined Tom, catching him ardently by the hand, "the + sentiment does honour to your head and heart; for to such men, in general, + is attached a heart-broken wife, withering by their side in the shade, as + the leaves and the blossom cling together at all seasons, in sickness or + in health, in affluence or in poverty, until the storm beats too roughly + on them, and prematurely destroys the weakest. But I must warn you not to + let your liberality get the better of your discretion, for there are + active and artful spirits abroad, and even these necessities and miseries + are made a handle for deception, to entrap the unwary; and you yet have + much to learn—Puff lived two years on sickness and misfortune, by + advertisements in the newspapers." + </p> + <p> + "How?" enquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "You shall have it in his own words," said Dashall. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "I suppose never man went through such a series of + "calamities in the same space of time! Sir, I was five + "times made a bankrupt and reduced from a state of + "affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! then + "Sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice + "burnt out, and lost my little all both times! I lived + "upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a + "most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs! + "That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, + "and went about col—called on you, a close prisoner + "in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted + "to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped + "for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable + "consumption! I was then reduced to—0—no—then, + "I became a widow with six helpless children—after + "having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left + "every time eight months gone with child, and without + "money to get me into an hospital!" +</pre> + <p> + "Astonishing!" cried Bob, "and are such things possible?" + </p> + <p> + "A month's residence in the metropolis," said Dashall, "will satisfy your + enquiries. One ingenious villain, a short time back, had artifice enough + to defraud the public, at different periods of his life, of upwards of one + hundred thousand pounds, and actually carried on his fraudulent schemes to + the last moment of his existence, for he <span class="pagenum">[32]</span>defrauded + Jack Ketch of his fee by hanging himself in his cell after + condemnation."{1} + </p> + <p> + Just as a tilbury was passing, "Observe," said Tom, "the driver of that + tilbury is the celebrated Lord Cripplegate with his usual equipage—his + blue cloak with a scarlet lining, hanging loosely over the vehicle, gives + an air of importance to his appearance, and he is always attended by that + boy, who has been denominated his cupid; he is a nobleman by birth, a + gentleman by courtesy, and a gamester by profession. He exhausted a large + estate upon <i>odd and even, sevens the main</i>, &c. till having lost + sight of the <i>main chance</i>, he found it necessary to curtail his + establishment and enliven his prospects, by exchanging a first floor for a + second, without an opportunity of ascertaining whether or not these + alterations were best suited to his high notions or exalted taste; from + which in a short time he was induced, either by inclination or necessity, + to take a small lodging in an obscure street, and to sport a gig and one + horse, instead of a curricle and pair; though in former times he used to + drive four in hand, and was acknowledged to be an excellent whip. He + still, however, possessed money enough to collect together a large + quantity of halfpence, which in his hours of relaxation he managed to turn + to good account, by the following stratagem:—He distributed his + halfpence on the floor of his little parlour in straight lines, and + ascertained how many it would require to cover it; having thus prepared + himself, he invited some wealthy spendthrifts (with whom he still had the + power of associating) to sup with him, and he welcomed them to his + habitation with much cordiality. The glass circulated freely, and each + recounted his gaming or amorous adventures till a late hour, when the + effects of the bottle becoming visible, he proposed, as a momentary + suggestion, to name how many halfpence laid side by side would carpet the + floor; and offered to lay a large + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Charles Price, the well-known impostor, whose extensive + forgeries on the Bank of England rendered him notorious, may + serve as a practical illustration of Puff, for he, at + several periods of his life, carried on his system of fraud + by advertisements, and by personating the character of a + clergyman collecting subscriptions under various pretences. + His whole life is marked with determined and systematic + depravity. He hanged himself in Tothil-fields Bridewell, + where he was confined, at the age of fifty-five. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[33]</span>wager, that he would guess the nearest. + Done! done! was echoed round the room. Every one made a deposit of 100L. + and every one made a guess equally certain of success; and his lordship + declaring he had a large lot of halfpence by him, though, perhaps, not + enough, the experiment was to be tried immediately—'twas an + excellent hit! The room was cleared, to it they went, the halfpence were + arranged rank and file in military order, when it appeared that his + lordship had certainly guessed (as well he might) nearest to the number: + the consequence was, an immediate alteration of his lordship's residence + and appearance: he got one step in the world by it, he gave up his + second-hand gig for one warranted new; and a change in his vehicle may + pretty generally be considered as the barometer of his pocket. + </p> + <p> + "Do you mark, he is learing at that pretty girl on the other side of the + way? he is fond of the wenches, and has been a true votary of fashion. + Perhaps there is not a more perfect model of Real Life in London than + might be furnished from the memoirs of his lordship! He is rather a good + looking man, as he sits, and prides himself on being a striking likeness + of his present majesty; but, unfortunately, has a lameness which impedes + him in the ardour of his pursuit of game, although it must be acknowledged + he has been a game one in his time. The boy you see with him is reported + to be his own son, who is now employed by him as an assistant in all his + amorous adventures." + </p> + <p> + "His own son!" exclaimed Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Aye, and (if so) a merrily begotten one, I'll be bound for it," continued + Tom; "such things will happen, and his lordship has kept a very pretty + assortment of servant girls. But the introduction of this youth to public + notice was somewhat curious. It is said, that having a large party of <i>bon + vivants</i> to dine with him, on sitting down to table, and taking the + cover off one of the dishes, a plump and smiling infant appeared. A sweet + little <i>Cupid</i> by + </p> + <p> + ——! (exclaimed his lordship) I'll be his father!—I'll + </p> + <p> + take care of him!—call Rose, and tell her to look out for a nurse + for him. Thus taking upon himself the character of parent and protector as + well as parson. Young <i>Cupid</i> was christened in libations of claret, + and furnished a fund of amusement for the evening. How young Cupid <span + class="pagenum">[34]</span>came there, I believe has not yet been + satisfactorily ascertained: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Who seeks a friend, should come disposed + T' exhibit, in full bloom disclosed, + The graces and the beauties + That form the character he seeks; + For 'tis an union that bespeaks + Reciprocated duties. +</pre> + <p> + And thus it has proved with <i>Cupid</i>, himself the offspring of an + illicit amour, is now constantly engaged in promoting others. + </p> + <p> + "His lordship had three brothers, <i>Billingsgate! Hellgate!</i> and <i>Newgate!</i> + whose names are adorned with a similarity of perfections in the Temple of + Fame; but they are consigned to the tomb of the Capulets, and we will not + rake up the ashes of the dead."{1} + </p> + <p> + At this moment a loud knocking was heard at the door, and Mr. Sparkle was + ushered into the drawing-room, which he entered, as it were, with a hop, + step, and jump, and had Tom Dashall by the hand almost before they could + turn round to see who it was. + </p> + <p> + "My dear fellow!" exclaimed Sparkle, almost out of breath, "where have you + been to? Time has been standing still since your departure!—there + has been a complete void in nature—how do you do?—I beg + pardon, (turning to Bob) you will excuse my rapture at meeting my old + friend, whom I have lost so long, that I have almost lost myself—egad, + I have run myself out of breath—cursed unlucky I was not in the Park + this morning to see you first, but I have just heard all about you from + Lady Jane, and lost no time in paying my respects—what are you going + to do with yourself?" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 There was a delicate propriety in this conduct of the Hon. + Tom Dashall which cannot but be admired; for although they + were alone, and speaking to each other in perfect + confidence, it was always his desire to avoid as much as + possible making bad worse; he had a heart to feel, as well + as a head to think; and would rather lend a hand to raise a + fellow-creature from the mud than walk deliberately over + him; besides, he foresaw other opportunities would arise in + which, from circumstances, he would almost be compelled to + draw his Cousin's attention again to the persons in + question, and he was always unwilling to ex-haust a subject + of an interesting nature without sonic leading occurrence to + warrant it. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[35]</span>At this moment dinner was announced. + "Come," said Tom, "let us refresh a bit, and after dinner I will tell you + all about it. We are travellers, you know, and feel a little fatigued. <i>Allons, + allons</i>." And so saying, he led the way to the dinner-room. + </p> + <p> + "Nothing could be more <i>apropos</i>," said Sparkle, "for although I have + two engagements beforehand, and have promised a visit to you know who in + the evening, they appear like icicles that must melt before the sun of + your re-appearance: so I am your's." And to it they went. Tom always kept + a liberal table, and gave his friends a hearty welcome. But here it will + be necessary, while they are regaling themselves, to make our readers a + little acquainted with Charles Sparkle, Esq.; for which purpose we must + request his patience till the next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Place me, thou great Supreme, in that blest state, + Unknown to those the silly world call Great, + Where all my wants may be with ease supply'd, + Yet nought superfluous to pamper pride." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[36]</span>IT will be seen in the previous chapter, + that the formal ceremony of a fashionable introduction, such as—"Mr. + Sparkle, my friend Mr. Robert Tallyho, of Belville Hall; Mr. Tallyho, Mr. + Charles Sparkle," was altogether omitted; indeed, the abrupt entrance of + the latter rendered it utterly impossible, for although Sparkle was really + a well-bred man, he had heard from Lady Jane of Tom's arrival with his + young friend from the country. <i>Etiquette</i> between themselves, was at + all times completely unnecessary, an air of gaiety and freedom, as the + friend of Dashall, was introduction enough to Bob, and consequently this + point of good breeding was wholly unnoticed by all the party; but we are + not yet sufficiently acquainted with our readers to expect a similar mode + of proceeding will be overlooked; we shall therefore lose no time in + giving our promised account of Mr. Sparkle, and beg to introduce him + accordingly. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Reader, Mr. Sparkle; Mr. Sparkle, Mr. Reader. + </p> + <p> + Hold, Sir, what are you about? You have bewildered yourself with + etiquette, and seem to know as little about <i>Life in London</i> as the + novice you have already introduced—By the way, that introduction was + one of the most extraordinary I ever met with; this may be equally so for + ought I know; and I really begin to suspect you are an extraordinary + fellow yourself. How can you introduce me, of whom you know nothing? + </p> + <p> + Egad, I believe you have me there—"a palpable hit, my Lord," (or my + Lady, for I certainly cannot say which;) I was getting myself into an + awkward dilemma, but I hate suspicion— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[37]</span>Methinks I see a frown, but I meant no + offence, and if you throw down my book in a rage, you will perhaps not + only remain ignorant of Mr. Sparkle, but, what is more important, of those + other numerous fashionable characters in high and low life—of those + manners—incidents—amusements—follies—vices, &c. + which, combined together, form the true picture of Real Life in the + Metropolis. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "He who hath trod th' intricate maze, + Exploring every devious way, + Can best direct th' enquiring gaze, + And all the varied scenes display." +</pre> + <p> + Mr. Author, you are a strange rambler. + </p> + <p> + Admitted, Sir, or Ma'am, I am a rambler, who, with your permission, would + willingly not be impeded in my progress, and under such expectations I + shall proceed. + </p> + <p> + Charles Sparkle was the son and only child of a Right Hon. Member of + Parliament, now no more, whose mother dying soon after his birth, was left + destitute of that maternal kindness and solicitude which frequently has so + much influence in forming the character of the future man. + </p> + <p> + His father, a man of eccentric turn of mind, being appointed soon + afterwards to a diplomatic situation abroad, left the care of his son's + education to an elderly friend of his, who held a situation of some + importance under the then existing government, with an injunction to + conceal from the boy the knowledge of his real parent, and to bring him up + as his own child. + </p> + <p> + This important trust was executed with tenderness and fidelity; the boy + grew in strength, and ripened in intelligence, and being accustomed to + consider his protector as his parent, the father, upon returning to + England, determined not to undeceive him, until he should arrive at years + of discretion; and with this view Mr. Orford was instructed at a proper + age to send him to Oxford. + </p> + <p> + Charles, however had contracted before this period, habits and + acquaintances in London, that were completely in opposition to the + dictates and inclinations of his supposed father. He became passionately + fond of literary amusements, music, and drawing, which served to occupy + his morning hours: but his evenings were devoted to the company of + vitiated associates, who did <span class="pagenum">[38]</span>not fail to + exercise their influence over his youthful passions, and he frequently + engaged himself in unlucky and improvident adventures, which involved him + in pecuniary difficulties far beyond his stipulated income. These + circumstances were no sooner made known to the supposed parent, than they + excited his displeasure, and being carried to an unpardonable extent, he + was, at the age of eighteen, literally banished the house of his + protector, and compelled to take an obscure lodging in the vicinity of + London; the rent of which was paid for him, and a scanty allowance of one + guinea sent to him regularly every Saturday night. Thus secluded from his + old associates, it will not be wondered at that he contrived to form new + ones, and having purchased an old harpsicord, turned the musical + instruction he had received to occasional account; he also wrote some + political pamphlets which were well received. But this solitary and + dependent life was wholly unsuited to the gaiety in which he had hitherto + moved. It had, however, the effect of drawing forth talent, which perhaps + would never, but for this circumstance, have been discovered; for + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Many a gem, of purest ray serene, + The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; + Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, + And waste its sweetness on the desert air." +</pre> + <p> + His writings, &c. under the name of Oribrd, were recognised by the + real father, as the productions of a promising son: at his instigation, + and upon a promise of reform, he was again restored to his former home, + and shortly after entered as a gentleman commoner of St. Mary's, Oxford; + but not till he had, by some means or other, made the discovery that + Orford was not his real name. Congenial spirits are naturally fond of + associating, and it was here that he first became acquainted with the Hon. + Tom Dashall: they were constant companions and mutual assistants to each + other, in all their exercises as well as all their vagaries; so as to + cement a friendship and interest in each other's fate, up to the moment of + which we are now speaking. + </p> + <p> + Orford, however, was at that time more impetuous and less discreet in the + pursuit of his pleasures than his honourable friend, and after obtaining + the distinction of Bachelor of Arts, was in consequence of his imprudence + and <span class="pagenum">[39]</span>irregularities, after frequently + hair-breadth escapes, expelled the college. This circumstance, however, + appeared of little consequence to him. He hired a gig at Oxford, promising + to return in a few days, and came up to London, but had not effrontery + enough to venture into the presence of his reputed father. On arrival in + town, he put up at an inn in the Borough, where he resided till all the + money he had was exhausted, and till, as he emphatically observes, he had + actually eaten his horse and chaise. + </p> + <p> + In the mean time, the people at Oxford found he was expelled; and as he + had not returned according to appointment, he was pursued, and eventually + found: they had no doubt of obtaining their demand from his friends, and + he was arrested at the suit of the lender; which was immediately followed + by a retainer from the inn-keeper where he had resided in town. + Application was made to Mr. Orford for his liberation, without effect; in + consequence of which he became a resident in the rules of the King's + Bench, as his friends conceived by this means his habits would be + corrected and his future conduct be amended, his real father still keeping + in the back ground. + </p> + <p> + While in this confinement, he again resorted to the produce of his pen and + his talent for musical composition, and his friend Tom, at the first + vacation, did not fail to visit him. During this time, in the shape of + donation, from Mr. Orford he received occasional supplies more than equal + to his necessities, though not to his wishes. While here, he fished out + some further clue to the real parent, who visited him in disguise during + his confinement as a friend of Mr. Orford: still, however, he had no + chance of liberation, till, being one day called on by Mr. Orford, he was + informed he was at perfect liberty to leave his present abode, and was + directed to go with him immediately; a coach was called, and he heard the + direction given to drive to Bedford Square, where they arrived just time + enough to learn that the Right Hon. S. S. had breathed his last, after a + lingering illness. + </p> + <p> + Upon alighting from the coach, and receiving this information, they were + ushered into the drawing-room, and presently joined by a clergyman who had + been the chaplain of the deceased, who acquainted our adventurer of the + death of his parent—that by will he was entitled <span + class="pagenum">[40]</span>to 10,000L. per annum, and a handsome estate in + Wiltshire. This sudden reverse of fortune to Sparkle—the change from + confinement to liberty, from indigence to affluence—awakened + sensations more easily to be conceived than described. He wept, (perhaps + the first tears of sincerity in his life; ) his heart was subdued by an + overwhelming flood of affection for that unknown being, whom he now found + had been his constant guardian angel, alternately taking Orford and the + reverend Divine by the hand, and hiding his head in the bosom of his + reputed father. At length they led him to the room in which were the + remains of his lamented parent. + </p> + <p> + There are perhaps few circumstances better calculated to impress awe on + the youthful mind than the contemplation of those features in death which + have been respected and revered while living. Such respect had ever been + entertained by Charles Sparkle for the supposed friend of Mr. Orford, from + whom he had several times received the most kind and affectionate advice; + and his sensations upon discovering that friend to be no other than his + own father, may be more easily conceived than described—he was at + once exalted and humbled, delighted and afflicted. He threw himself in an + agony of feeling by the bed-side, fell on his knees, in which he was + joined by the clergyman and Orford, where he remained some time. + </p> + <p> + After the first paroxysms of grief had subsided, young Sparkle, who had + already felt the strongest impression that could possibly be made on a + naturally good heart, gave orders for the funeral of his deceased father, + and then proceeded to make other arrangements suitable to the character he + was hereafter to sustain through life, went down to Wiltshire, and took + possession of his estate, where for a time he secluded himself, and + devoted his attention to the perusal of the best authors in the English, + French, and Italian language, under the superintendence of the reverend + Divine, who had been a resident for many years with his father. + </p> + <p> + But a life in the country could not long have superior charms for a young + man who had already seen much to admire, as well as much to avoid, in the + metropolis. The combination however of theoretical information he had + derived from books, as well as the practical observations he had made + during his residence in London, fitted him at once for the gayest and most + distinguished circles of <span class="pagenum">[41]</span>metropolitan + society. He therefore arranged with Mr. Orford, who had formerly acted as + his parent, to continue with him in the capacity of steward, and for the + last two years of his life had been almost a constant resident at "Long's + Hotel", in Bond Street, not choosing to have the charge of an + establishment in town; and the early friendship and attachment which had + been cultivated at Oxford being again renewed, appeared to grow with their + growth, and strengthen with their strength. + </p> + <p> + Sparkle had still a large portion of that vivacity for which he was so + remarkable in his younger days. His motives and intentions were at all + times good, and if he indulged himself in the pursuits of frolic and fun, + it was never at the expence of creating an unpleasant feeling to an honest + or honourable mind. His fortune was ample. He had a hand to give, and a + heart to forgive; no "malice or hatred were there to be found:" but of + these qualifications, and the exercise of them, sufficient traits will be + given in the ensuing pages. No man was better <i>up</i> to the rigs of the + town; no one better <i>down</i> to the manoeuvres of the <i>flats</i>, and + <i>sharps</i>. He had mingled with life in all companies; he was at once + an elegant and interesting companion; his views were extensive upon all + subjects; his conversation lively, and his manners polished. + </p> + <p> + Such, gentle reader, is the brief sketch of Charles Sparkle, the esteemed + friend of the Hon. Tom Dashall, and with such recommendations it will not + be wondered at if he should become also the friend of Tally-ho; for, + although living in the height of fashionable splendour, his mind was at + all times in consonance with the lines which precede this chapter; yet + none could be more ready to lend a hand in any pleasant party in pursuit + of a bit of <i>gig. A mill at Moulsey Hurst—a badger-bait, or + bear-bait—a main at the Cock-pit—a smock-race</i>—or a + scamper to the Tipping hunt, ultimately claimed his attention; while upon + all occasions he was an acute observer of life and character. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "His years but young, but his experience old, + His heart unmellow'd, though his judgment ripe, + And in a word, (for far behind his worth + Come all the praises that we now bestow) + He is complete in conduct and in mind, + With all good grace, to grace a gentleman." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[42]</span>But dinner is over, and we must now + accompany our triumvirate to the drawing-room, where we find them seated + with bottles, glasses, &c. determined to make a quiet evening after + the fatigues of the journey, and with a view to prepare themselves for the + more arduous, and to Tally-ho more interesting, pursuits in the new world, + for such he almost considered London. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," said Sparkle, addressing himself to Bob, with whom a little + previous conversation had almost rendered him familiar, "London is a world + within itself; it is, indeed, the only place to see life—it is the "<i>multum + in parvo</i>," as the old song says, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Would you see the world in little, + Ye curious here repair;" +</pre> + <p> + it is the acmé of perfection, the "<i>summum bonum</i>" of style—-indeed, + there is a certain affectation of style from the highest to the lowest + individual." + </p> + <p> + "You are a merry and stylish fellow," said Tom; we should have been hipp'd + without you, there is a fund of amusement in you at all times." + </p> + <p> + "You are a bit of a wag," replied Sparkle, "but I am up to your gossip, + and can serve you out in your own style." + </p> + <p> + "Every body," says Tallyho, "appears to live in style." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," continued Sparkle, "<i>living in style</i> is one of the most + essential requisites for a residence in London; but I'll give you my idea + of living in style, which, by many, is literally nothing more than keeping + up appearances at other people's expence: for instance, a Duchess + conceives it to consist in taking her breakfast at three o'clock in the + afternoon—dining at eight—playing at Faro till four the next + morning—supping at five, and going to bed at six—and to eat + green peas and peaches in January—in making a half-curtsey at the + creed, and a whole one to a scoundrel—in giving fifty guineas to an + exotic capon for a pit-ticket—and treating the deserved claims of a + parental actor with contempt—to lisp for the mere purpose of + appearing singular, and to seem completely ignorant of the Mosaic law—to + be in the reverse of extremes—to laugh when she could weep, and weep + when she could .dance and be merry—to leave her compliment cards + with her acquaintance, whom at the same moment she wishes she may never + see again—to speak of the community <span class="pagenum">[43]</span>with + marked disrespect, and to consider the sacrament a bore!" + </p> + <p> + "Admirable!" said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "Wonderful, indeed!" exclaimed Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Aye, aye, London is full of wonders—there is a general and + insatiate appetite for the marvellous; but let us proceed: Now we'll take + the reverse of the picture. The Duke thinks he does things in style, by + paying his debts of honour contracted at the gaming-table, and but very + few honourable debts—by being harsh and severe to a private + supplicant, while he is publicly a liberal subscriber to a person he never + saw—by leaving his vis-a-vis at the door of a well-known courtesan, + in order to have the credit of an intrigue—in making use of an + optical glass for personal inspection, though he can ascertain the horizon + without any—by being or seeming to be, every thing that is in + opposition to nature and virtue—in counting the lines in the Red + Book, and carefully watching the importation of <i>figurantes</i> from the + Continent—in roundly declaring that a man of fashion is a being of a + superior order, and ought to be amenable only to himself—in jumbling + ethics and physics together, so as to make them destroy each other—in + walking arm in arm with a sneering jockey—talking loudly any thing + but sense—and in burning long letters without once looking at their + contents;... and so much for my Lord Duke." + </p> + <p> + "Go along Bob!" exclaimed Tom. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho conceiving himself addressed by this, looked up with an air of + surprise and enquiry, which excited the risibility of Dashall and Sparkle, + till it was explained to him as a common phrase in London, with which he + would soon become more familiar. Sparkle continued. + </p> + <p> + "The gay young Peerling, who is scarcely entitled to the honours and + immunities of manhood, is satisfied he is <i>doing things in style</i>, by + raising large sums of money on <i>post-obit</i> bonds, at the very + moderate premium of 40 per cent.—in <i>queering</i> the clergyman at + his father's table, and leaving the marks of his finger and thumb on the + article of matrimony in his aunt's prayer-book—in kicking up a row + at the theatre, when he knows he has some roaring bullies at his elbow, + though humble and dastardly when alone—in keeping a dashing <i>impure</i>, + who publicly squanders away his money, and privately laughs at his follies—in + buying a phaeton as high as a two pair of stairs <span class="pagenum">[44]</span>window, + and a dozen of spanking bays at Tattersall's, and in dashing through St. + James's Street, Pall Mall, Piccadilly, and Hyde Park, thus accompanied and + accoutred, amidst the contumelies of the coxcombs and the sighs of the + worthy. And these are pictures of high life, of which the originals are to + be seen daily. + </p> + <p> + "The haberdasher of Cheapside, whose father, by adherence to the most + rigid economy, had amassed a competence, and who transmitted his property, + without his prudence, to his darling son, is determined to shew his + spirit, by buying a <i>bit of blood</i>, keeping his gig, his girl, and a + thatched cottage on the skirts of Epping Forest, or Sydenham Common; but + as keeping a girl and a gig would be a nothing unless all the world were + <i>up to it</i>, he regularly drives her to all the boxing-matches, the + Epping hunt, and all the races at Barnet, Epsom, Egham, and Ascot Heath, + where he places himself in one of the most conspicuous situations; and as + he knows his racing, &c. must eventually distinguish his name in the + Gazette with a whereas! he rejoices in the progress and acceleration of + his own ruin, and, placing his arms akimbo, he laughs, sings, swears, + swaggers, and vociferates—'What d'ye think o' that now,—is'nt + this doing it in stile, eh?' + </p> + <p> + "Prime of life to go it, where's a place like London? Four in hand to-day, + the next you may be undone." + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page044.jpg" alt="Page44 Epson Racers " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "Well, Sir, the mercer's wife, from Watling Street, thinks living in style + is evinced by going once a year to a masquerade at the new Museodeum, or + Argyle Rooms; having her daughters taught French, dancing, and music—dancing + a minuet at Prewterers' Hall, or Mr. Wilson's{1} annual benefit—in + getting a good situation in the green boxes—going to Hampstead or + Copenhagen House in a glass coach on a Sunday—having card-parties at + home + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Mr. Wilson's flaming bills of "Dancing at the Old Bailey," + which are so profusely stuck up about the city, are said to + have occasioned several awkward jokes and blunders; among + others related, is that of a great unintellectual Yorkshire + booby, who, after staring at the bills with his mouth open, + and his saucer eyes nearly starting out of his head with + astonishment, exclaimed, "Dang the buttons on't, I zee'd urn + dangling all of a row last Wednesday at t' Ould Bailey, but + didn't know as how they call'd that danzing,—by gum there + be no understanding these here Lunnun folk!" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[45]</span>during Lent, declaring she never drinks + any thing else but the <i>most bestest</i> gunpowder tea, that she has a + most <i>screwciating</i> cold, and that the country air is always <i>salubrus</i>, + and sure to do her good. + </p> + <p> + "So much for living in style, and good breeding." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "That's your true breeding—that's your sort my boys— + Fun, fire, and pathos—metre, mirth, and noise; + To make you die with laughter, or the hiccups, + Tickle your favourites, or smash your tea-cups." +</pre> + <p> + "By the way, in former times the term <i>good-breeding</i> meant a + combination of all that was amiable and excellent; and a well-bred person + would shrink from an action or expression that could possibly wound the + feelings of another; its foundation was laid in truth, and its supporting + pillars were justice and integrity, sensibility and philanthropy; but + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "In this gay age—in Taste's enlighten'd times, + When Fashion sanctifies the basest crimes; + E'en not to swear and game were impolite, + Since he who sins in <i>style</i> must sure be right." +</pre> + <p> + A well-bred person must learn to smile when he is angry, and to laugh even + when he is vexed to the very soul. + </p> + <p> + "It would be the height of <i>mauvaise honte</i> for a wellbred person to + blush upon any occasions whatever; no young lady blushes after eleven + years of age; to study the expression of the countenance of others, in + order to govern your own, is indispensably necessary. + </p> + <p> + "In former times, no well-bred person would have uttered a falsehood; but + now such ideas are completely exploded, and such conduct would now be + termed a <i>bore</i>. My Lord Portly remarks, 'It is a cold day.' 'Yes, my + Lord, it is a very cold day,' replies Major Punt. In two minutes after, + meeting Lord Lounge, who observes he thinks the weather very warm—'Yes, + very warm, my Lord,' is the reply—thus contradicting himself almost + in the same breath. It would be perfectly inconsistent in a well-bred man + to think, for fear of being absent. When he enters or leaves a + drawing-room, he should round his shoulders, drop his head, and imitate a + clown or a coachman. This has the effect of the best <i>ruse de guerre</i>—for + it serves to astonish the ladies, when they afterwards <span + class="pagenum">[46]</span>discover, by the familiarity of his address, + and his unrestrained manners, what a well-bred man he is; for he will + address every fair one in the room in the most enchanting terms, except + her to whom in the same party he had previously paid the most particular + attention; and on her he will contrive to turn his back for the whole + evening, and if he is a man of fashion, he will thus cause triumph to the + other ladies, and save the neglected fair one from envious and slanderous + whisperings." + </p> + <p> + "An admirable picture of living in style, and good breeding, indeed!" + cried Tom. "The game is in view and well worth pursuit; so hark forward! + hark forward! my boys." + </p> + <p> + Sparkle, now recollecting his engagement—with "you know who" as he + significantly observed in the last Chapter, withdrew, after promising to + take a stroll by way of killing an hour or two with them in the morning; + and Tom and his Cousin soon after retired to rest— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Perchance to sleep, perchance to dream." +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The alarm was so strong. + So loud and so long, + 'Twas surely some robber, or sprite, + Who without any doubt + Was prowling about + To fill ev'ry heart with affright." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[47]</span>THE smiles of a May morning, bedecked + with the splendid rays of a rising sun, awakened Tallyho about five + o'clock, and being accustomed to rise early in the country, he left the + downy couch of soft repose, and sought his way down stairs. Not a sound of + any kind was to be heard in the house, but the rattling of the carts and + the coaches in the streets, with the deep-toned accompaniment of a + dustman's bell, and an occasional <i>ab libitum</i> of "Clothes—clothes + sale," gave Bob an idea that all the world was moving. However he could + find nobody up; he walked into the drawing-room, amused himself for some + time by looking out of the window, indulging his observations and remarks, + without knowing what to make of the moving mass of incongruities which met + his eye, and wondering what time the servants of the house would wake: he + tried the street-door, but found it locked, bolted, and chained; and if he + had known where to have found his friend Tom, he would have aroused him + with <i>the View halloo</i>. + </p> + <p> + "It is strange," thought he to himself, "all the world seems abroad, and + yet not a soul stirring here!" Then checking the current of his + reflections, "But this," said he, "is Life in London. Egad! I must not + make a noise, because it will not be <i>good breeding</i>." In this wray + he sauntered about the house for near two hours, till at last espying his + portmanteau, which had been left in the passage by the servants the + previous evening—"I'll carry this up stairs," said he, "by way of + amusement;" and carelessly shouldering the portmanteau, he was walking + <span class="pagenum">[48]</span>deliberately up stairs, when his ears + were suddenly attracted by a loud cry of "Murder, murder, thieves, + murder!" and the violent ringing of a bell. Alarmed at these extraordinary + sounds, which appeared to be near him at a moment when he conceived no + soul was stirring, he dropped his portmanteau over the banisters, which + fell, (demolishing in its way an elegant Grecian patent lamp with glass + shades, drops, &c.) into the passage below with a hideous crash, while + the cry of Murder, thieves, murder, was repeated by many voices, and + rendered him almost immoveable. In the next moment, the butler, the cook, + the groom, and indeed every person in the house, appeared on the + stair-case, some almost in a state of nudity, and shrinking from each + other's gaze, and all armed with such weapons as chance had thrown in + their way, to attack the supposed depredator. + </p> + <p> + Among the rest, fortunately for Tallyho, (who stood balancing himself + against the banisters in a state of indecision whether he should ascend or + descend) Tom Dashall in his night-gown burst out of his room in alarm at + the noise, with a brace of pistols, one in his hand in the very act of + cocking it, and the other placed in convenient readiness under his left + arm. "Why, what the devil is the matter?" vociferated he, and at that + moment his eye caught the agitated figure of his Cousin Bob, on the + half-landing place below him. At the sound of his well-known voice, the + innocent and unsuspecting cause of this confusion and alarm looked up at + his friend, as if half afraid and half ashamed of the occurrence, and + stammered out, "Where is the thief?—Who is murdered?—I'll + swear there is something broke somewhere—tell me which way to go!" + Tom looked around him at the group of half-clad nymphs and swains, (who + were now huddling together, conceiving their security lay in combination, + and finding all eyes were placed with astonishment and wonder on Bob) + began to see through what had happened, and burst into an immoderate fit + of laughter; which relieved the frightened damsels, but so confounded poor + Tallyho, that he scarcely knew whether he was standing on his head or his + heels. "Why," said Tom, addressing himself to his Cousin, "you will get + yourself murdered if you go wandering about people's houses at the dead of + the night in this manner—are you asleep or awake?—who have you + made an assignation with—or <span class="pagenum">[49]</span>where + are you going to—what are you up to, Master Bobby, eh?—These + tricks won't do here!" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Is't Love's unhallow'd flame invites to roam, + And bids you from your pillow creep? + Or say, why thus disturb my peaceful home, + Like Macbeth, who doth murder sleep." +</pre> + <p> + Tallyho was unable to reply: he looked down over the banister—he + looked up at the risible features of Tom Dashall, who was almost bursting + at the ludicrous situation in which he found his friend and his servants. + "Come," said Tom, "there are no thieves—all's right"—to the + servants, "you may quiet your minds and go to business. Bob, I'll be down + with you presently." Upon this, the stair-case was cleared in an instant + of all but the unfortunate Tallyho; and peace appeared to be restored in + the family, but not to Bob's mind, conceiving he had committed a gross + violation of good breeding, and shewn but a bad specimen of his aptitude + to become a learner of London manners. It must be confessed, it was rather + an awkward commencement; however, in a few minutes, recovering himself + from the fright, he crawled gently down the stairs, and took a survey of + the devastation he had made—cursed the lamp, d——d the + portmanteau—then snatching it from the ruin before him, and again + placing his luggage on his shoulder, he quietly walked up stairs to his + bed-room. + </p> + <p> + It is much to be lamented in this wonderful age of discovery and continual + improvement, that our philosophers have not yet found out a mode of + supplying the place of glass (as almost every thing else) with cast-iron. + The substitution of gas for oil has long been talked of, as one of + national importance, even so much so, that one man, whose ideas were as + brilliant as his own experiments, has endeavoured to shew that its produce + would in a short time pay off the national debt!{1} + </p> + <p> + "A consummation devoutly to be wished;" and experience has taught the + world at large there is nothing impossible, nor is there any one in + existence more credulous than honest John Bull. But we are + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Mr. Winsor, the original lecturer on the powers of gas, in + Pall Mall. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[50]</span>digressing from the adventure of the + lamp, however it was occasioned, by clearly proving it was not a <i>patent + safety-lamp</i>: and that among the luxuries of the Hon. Tom Dashall's + habitation, gas had not yet been introduced, will speedily be discovered. + </p> + <p> + Upon arriving in his bed-room, wondering within himself how he should + repair the blundering mistake, of which he had so unluckily been the + unwilling and unconscious author, he found himself in a new dilemma, as + the receptacle of the oil had fallen with the lamp, and plentifully + bedewed the portmanteau with its contents, so that he had now transferred + the savoury fluid to his coat, waistcoat, cravat, and shirt. What was to + be done in such a case? He could not make his appearance in that state; + but his mortifications were not yet at an end— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Hills over hills, and Alps on Alps arise." +</pre> + <p> + The key of his portmanteau was missing; he rummaged all his pockets in + vain—he turned them inside out—it was not here—it was + not there; enraged at the multiplicity of disappointments to which he was + subjected, he cut open the leathern carriage of his wardrobe with a + penknife; undressed, and re-dressed himself; by which time it was + half-past eight o'clock. His Cousin Tom, who had hurried down according to + promise, had in the mean time been making enquiry after him, and now + entered the room, singing, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "And all with attention would eagerly mark: + When he cheer'd up the pack—Hark! to Rockwood hark! hark!" +</pre> + <p> + At the sight of Dashall, he recovered himself from his embarrassment, and + descended with him to the breakfast-parlour. + </p> + <p> + "Did you send to Robinson's?" enquired Tom of one of the servants, as they + entered the room. "Yes, Sir," was the reply; "and Weston's too?" continued + he; being answered in the affirmative, "then let us have breakfast + directly." Then turning to Bob, "Sparkle," said he, "promised to be with + us about eleven, for the purpose of taking a stroll; in the mean time we + must dress and make ready."—"Dress," said Bob, "Egad! I have dressed + and made ready twice already this morning." He then <span class="pagenum">[51]</span>recounted + the adventures above recorded; at which Dashall repeatedly burst into fits + of immoderate laughter. Breakfast being over, a person from Mr. Robinson's + was announced, and ushered into the room. + </p> + <p> + A more prepossessing appearance had scarcely met Bob's eye—a tall, + elegant young man, dressed in black, cut in the extreme of fashion, whose + features bespoke intelligence, and whose air and manner were indicative of + a something which to him was quite new. He arose upon his entrance, and + made a formal bow; which was returned by the youth. "Good morning, + gentlemen."—"Good morning, Mr. R——," said Tom, + mentioning a name celebrated by + </p> + <p> + Pope in the following lines: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "But all my praises, why should lords engross? + Bise, honest Muse, and sing the man of Boss." +</pre> + <p> + "I am happy to have the honour of seeing you in town again, Sir! The + fashionables are mustering very strong, and the prospect of the + approaching coronation appears to be very attractive." During this time he + was occupied in opening a leathern case, which contained combs, brushes, + &c.; then taking off his coat, he appeared in a jacket with an apron, + which, like a fashionable <i>pinafore</i> of the present day, nearly + concealed his person, from his chin to his toes. "Yes," replied Dashall, + "the coronation is a subject of deep importance just now in the circles of + fashion," seating himself in his chair, in readiness for the operator,{1} + who, Bob now discovered, was no other than the <i>Peruquier</i>. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The progress of taste and refinement is visible in all + situations, and the language of putting has become so well + understood by all ranks of society, that it is made use of + by the most humble and obscure tradesmen of the metropolis. + One remarkable instance ought not to be omitted here. In a + narrow dirty street, leading from the Temple towards + Blackfriars, over a small triangular-fronted shop, scarcely + big enough to hold three persons at a time, the eye of the + passing traveller is greeted with the following welcome + information, painted in large and legible characters, the + letters being each nearly a foot in size:— + + HAIR CUT AND MODERNIZED!!! + + This is the true "<i>Multum in parvo</i> "—a combination of + the "<i>Utile et dulce</i>," the very acme of perfection. + Surely, after this, to Robinson, Vickery, Boss, and Cryer, we + may say—"Ye lesser stars, hide your diminished heads." + + The art of puffing may be further illustrated by the + following specimen of the Sublime, which is inserted here + for the information of such persons as, residing in the + country, have had no opportunity of seeing the original. + "R—— makes gentlemen's and ladies' perukes on an entire + new system; which for lightness, taste, and ease, are + superior to any other in Europe. He has exerted the genius + and abilities of the first artists to complete his + exhibition of ornamental hair, in all its luxuriant + varieties, where the elegance of nature and convenience of + art are so blended, as at once to rival and ameliorate each + other. Here his fair patrons may uninterruptedly examine the + effects of artificial tresses, or toupees of all + complexions, and, in a trial on themselves, blend the + different tints with their own!" + + The strife for pre-eminence in this art is not however + confined to this country; for we find an instance recorded + in an American newspaper, which may perhaps be equally + amusing and acceptable:— + + "A. C. D. La vigne, having heard of the envious expressions + uttered by certain common barbers, miserable chin-scrapers, + and frizulary quacks, tending to depreciate that superiority + which genius is entitled to, and talents will invariably + command, hereby puts them and their vulgar arts at defiance; + and, scorning to hold parley with such sneaking imps, + proposes to any gentleman to defend and maintain, at his + shop, the head quarters of fashion, No. 6, South Gay Street, + against all persons whomsoever, his title to supremacy in + curlery, wiggery, and razory, to the amount of one hundred + dollars and upwards. As hostile as he is to that low style + of puffery adopted by a certain adventurer, 'yclept Higgins, + Lavigne cannot avoid declaring, in the face of the world, + that his education has been scientifical; that after having + finished his studies at Paris, he took the tour of the + universe, having had the rare fortune of regulating the + heads of Catherine the Second, and the Grand Turk; the King + of Prussia, and the Emperor of China; the Mamelukes of + Egypt, and the Dey of Algiers; together with all the ladies + of their respective Courts. He has visited the Cape of Good + Hope, India, Java, Madagascar, Tartary, and Kamschatka, + whence he reached the United States by the way of Cape Horn. + In England he had previously tarried, where he delivered + Lectures on Heads in great style. He has at last settled in + Baltimore, determined to devote the remainder of his days to + the high profession to which his des-tiny has called him; + inviting all the literati, the lovers of the arts and + sciences, to visit him at his laboratory of beauty, where he + has separate rooms for accommodating ladies and gentlemen, + who desire to adorn their heads with <i>hair</i>udition. "Can + France, England—nay, the world itself, produce such + another specimen of puffing and barberism? +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[53]</span>"And pray," continued Tom, "what is there + new in the haut ton? Has there been any thing of importance to attract + attention since my absence? "Nothing very particular," was the reply—"all + very dull and flat. Rumour however, as usual, has not been inactive; two + or three trifling faux pas, and—oh!—yes—two duels—one + in the literary world: two authors, who, after attacking each other with + the quill, chose to decide their quarrel with the pistol, and poor Scot + lost his life! But how should authors understand such things? The other + has made a great noise in the world—You like the Corinthian cut, I + believe, Sir?" + </p> + <p> + "I believe so too," said Tom—"but don't you cut the duel so short—who + were the parties?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh! aye, why one, Sir, was a celebrated leader of ton, no other than Lord + Shampêtre, and the other Mr. Webb, a gentleman well known: it was a sort + of family affair. His lordship's gallantry and courage, however, were put + to the test, and the result bids fair to increase his popularity. The + cause was nothing very extraordinary, but the effect had nearly proved + fatal to his Lordship." + </p> + <p> + "What, was he wounded?" enquired Tom. + </p> + <p> + "It was thought so at first," replied the <i>Peruquier</i>, "but it was + afterwards discovered that his Lordship had only fainted at the report of + his opponent's pistol." + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! ha!" said Tom, "then it was a bloodless battle—but I should + like to know more of the particulars." + </p> + <p> + "Hold your head a little more this way, Sir, if you please—that will + do, I thank you, Sir;—why, it appears, that in attempting to fulfil + an assignation with Mr. Webb's wife, the husband, who had got scent of the + appointment, as to place and time, lustily cudgelled the dandy Lord + Whiskerphiz, and rescued his own brows from certain other fashionable + appendages, for which he had no relish. His Lordship's whiskers were + injured, by which circumstance some people might conceive his features and + appearance must have been improved, however that was not his opinion; his + bones were sore, and his mind (that is to say, as the public supposed) + hurt. The subject became a general theme of conversation, a Commoner had + thrashed a Lord!—flesh and blood could not bear it—but then + such flesh and blood could as little bear the thought of a duel—Lord + Polly was made the bearer of a challenge—a meeting took place, and + at the first fire his Lordship fell. A fine subject for the caricaturists, + and they have not failed to make a good use of it. The fire of his + Lordship's features <span class="pagenum">[54]</span>was so completely + obscured by his whiskers and mustachios, that it was immediately concluded + the shot had proved mortal, till Lord Polly (who had taken refuge for + safety behind a neighbouring tree) advancing, drew a bottle from his + pocket, which, upon application to his nose, had the desired effect of + restoring the half-dead duellist to life and light. The Seconds + interfered, and succeeded in bringing the matter to a conclusion, and + preventing the expected dissolution of Shampetre, who, report says, has + determined not to place himself in such a perilous situation again. The + fright caused him a severe illness, from which he has scarcely yet + recovered sufficiently to appear in public—I believe that will do, + Sir; will you look in the glass—can I make any alteration?" + </p> + <p> + "Perhaps not in your story," replied Tom; "and as to my head, so as you do + not make it like the one you have been speaking of, I rely solely on your + taste and judgment." + </p> + <p> + The Peruquier made his bow—"Sir, your politeness is well known!" + then turning to Tallyho, "Will you allow me the honour of officiating for + you, Sir?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly," replied Bob, who by this time had seen the alteration made in + his Cousin's appearance, as well as been delighted with the account of the + duel, at which they all laughed during the narration—and immediately + prepared for action, while Dashall continued his enquiries as to the + fashionable occurrences during his absence. + </p> + <p> + "There have been some other circumstances, of minor importance," continued + the Peruquier—"it is said that a certain Lord, of high military + character, has lost considerable sums of money, and seriously impaired his + fortune—Lord —— and a friend are completely ruined at + hazard—there was a most excellent mill at Moulsey Hurst on Thursday + last, between the Gas-light man, who appears to be a game chicken, and a + prime hammerer—he can give and take with any man—and Oliver—Gas + beat him hollow, it was all Lombard-street to a china orange. The Masked + Festival on the 18th is a subject of considerable attraction, and wigs of + every nature, style, and fashion, are in high request for the occasion—The + Bob, the Tye, the Natural Scratch, the Full Bottom, the Queue, the Curl, + the Clerical, the Narcissus, the Auricula, the Capital, the Corinthian, + the Roman, the Spanish, the French, the Dutch—oh! we are full of + business just now. Speaking of the art, by the by, reminds me of a + circumstance which occurred a very <span class="pagenum">[55]</span>short + time back, and which shows such a striking contrast between the low-bred + citizens, and the True Blues of the West!—have the kindness to hold + your head a little on one side, Sir, if you please—a little more + towards the light, if you please—that will do excellently—why + you'll look quite another thing!—From the country, I presume?" "You + are right," said Bob, "but I don't want a wig just yet." + </p> + <p> + "Shall be happy to fit you upon all occasions—masquerade, ball, or + supper, Sir: you may perhaps wish to go out, as we say in the West, in + coy.—happy to receive your commands at any time, prompt attention + and dispatch." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds! you are clipping the wig too close," said Tom, impatient to hear + the story, "and if you go on at this rate, you won't leave us even the <i>tail</i> + (tale)." + </p> + <p> + "Right, Sir, I take—'and thereby hangs a tale.' The observation is + in point, <i>verbum sat</i>, as the latinist would say. Well, Sir, as I + was saying, a citizen, with a design to outdo his neighbours, called at + one of the first shops in London a very short time since, and gave + particular orders to have his <i>pericranium</i> fitted with a wig of the + true royal cut. The dimensions of his upper story were taken—the + order executed to the very letter of the instructions—it fitted like + wax—it was nature—nay it soared beyond nature—it was the + perfection of art—the very acmé of science! Conception was outdone, + and there is no power in language to describe it. He was delighted; his + wife was charmed with the idea of a new husband, and he with his new wig; + but + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Now comes the pleasant joke of all, + 'Tis when too close attack'd we fall." +</pre> + <p> + The account was produced—-would you believe it, he refused to have + it—he objected to the price." + </p> + <p> + "The devil take it!" said Tom, "object to pay for the acme of perfection; + this unnaturally natural wig would have fetched any money among the + collectors of curiosities." + </p> + <p> + "What was the price?" enquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Trifling, Sir, very trifling, to an artist 'of the first water,' as a + jeweller would say by his diamonds—only thirty guineas!!!" + </p> + <p> + "Thirty guineas!" exclaimed Bob, starting from his seat, and almost + overturning the <i>modernizer</i> of his head. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[56]</span>Then, recollecting Sparkle's account of + Living in Style, and Good Breeding, falling gently into his seat again. + </p> + <p> + "Did I hurt you, Sir?" exclaimed the Peruquier. + </p> + <p> + Dashall bit his lip, and smiled at the surprise of his Cousin, which was + now so visibly depicted in his countenance. + </p> + <p> + "Not at all," replied Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "In two minutes more, Sir, your head will be a grace to; Bond Street or + St. James's; it cuts well, and looks well; and if you will allow me to + attend you once a month, it will continue so." + </p> + <p> + Tom hummed a tune, and looked out of the window; the other two were silent + till Bob was released. Tom <i>tip'd the blunt</i>, and the interesting + young man made his congé, and departed. + </p> + <p> + "A very interesting and amusing sort of person," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied Tom, "he is a walking volume of information: he knows + something of every thing, and almost of every body. He has been in better + circumstances, and seen a great deal of life; his history is somewhat + remarkable, and some particulars, not generally known, have excited a + considerable portion of interest in his fate among those who are + acquainted with them. He is the son, before marriage, of a respectable and + worthy tradesman, a celebrated vender of bear's grease,{1} lately + deceased, who + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The infallibility of this specimen cannot possibly be + doubted, after reading the following + + Advertisement: + "Bear's grease has virtues, many, great and rare; + To hair decay'd, life, health, and vigour giving; + + 'Tis sold by——, fam'd for cutting hair, + + At ——-.—————————————————- living. + + Who then would lose a head of hair for trying? + A thousand tongues are heard 'I won't,' replying; + + T——r no doubt with bear's grease can supply + A thousand more, when they're dispos'd to buy. + + No deception!—Seven Bears publicly exhibited in seven + months, and not an agent on the globe's surface.—Sold upon + oath, from 1L. to 10s. 6d. The smallest child will direct + to ——, near the church—a real Bear over the door, + where a good peruke is charged 1L.. 10s. equal to those + produced by Mr. T., at B——ss's, for 2L. 12s. 6d.—Scalp + 10s. 6d. and 6d. only for hair-cutting—never refusing one + shilling. + + N. B. Bear's-grease effects wonders for the knees &c. of + horses." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[57]</span>resided in the vicinity of Cornhill, and + was for many years brought up under his roof as his nephew; in which + situation, the elegance of his person, the vivacity of his disposition, + and the general information he acquired, became subjects of attraction. + His education was respectable for his situation, and his allowance + liberal. His father however marrying a young lady of some property, and + he, 'gay, light, and airy,' falling into bad hands, found his finances not + sufficient to support the company he kept, and by these means involved + himself in pecuniary difficulties, which, however, (if report say true) + were more than once or twice averted by the indulgent parent. In the + course of time, the family was increased by two sons, but he continued the + flower of the flock. At length it was intended by his father to retire, in + part, from business, and leave its management to this young man, and + another who had been many years in his service, and whose successful + endeavours in promoting his interest were well deserving his + consideration; and the writings for this purpose were actually drawn up. + Previous however to their execution, he was dispatched to Edinburgh, to + superintend an extensive concern of his father's in that city, where, + meeting with an amiable young lady with some expectations, he married + without the consent of his parent, a circumstance which drew down upon him + the good man's displeasure. + </p> + <p> + "Not at all dismayed at this, he almost immediately left his father's + shop, and set up business for himself in the same neighbourhood, where he + continued for two or three years, living, as it was supposed, upon the + produce of his matrimonial connexion. At length, however, it was + discovered that he was insolvent, and bankruptcy became the consequence. + Here he remained till affairs were arranged, and then returned to London + with his wife and two children. + </p> + <p> + "In the mean time, the legitimate family of his father had become useful + in the business, and acquainted with his former indiscretions, which, + consequently, were not likely to be obliterated from the old gentleman's + recollection. Without money and without prospect, he arrived in London, + where, for some unliquidated debt, he was arrested and became a resident + in the King's Bench, from which he was liberated by the Insolvent Debtor's + Act. Emancipated from this, he took small shops, or rather rooms, in + various parts of the city, vainly endeavouring to <span class="pagenum">[58]</span>support + the character he had formerly maintained. These however proved abortive. + Appeals to his father were found fruitless, and he has consequently, after + a series of vicissitudes, been compelled to act as a journeyman. + </p> + <p> + In the career of his youth, he distinguished himself as a dashing, + high-spirited fellow. He was selected as fuegel man to a regiment of + Volunteers, and made himself conspicuous at the celebrated O. P. row, at + the opening of Covent Garden Theatre, on which occasion he attracted the + notice of the Caricaturists,{1} and was generally known in the circles of + High Life, by his attendance on the first families on behalf of his + father. + </p> + <p> + But perhaps the most remarkable circumstance took place at his deceased + parent's funeral. Being so reduced at that time as to have no power even + of providing the necessary apparel to manifest the respect, gratitude, and + affection, he had ever entertained for the author of his being; and as a + natural son has no legal claims upon his father, so naturally nothing was + left for him; he applied by letter to the legitimates for a suit of + mourning, and permission to attend the remains of their common father to + the last receptacle of mortality, which being peremptorily refused, he + raised a subscription, obtained clothing, with a gown and hatband, and, as + the melancholy procession was moving to the parish church, which was but a + few yards distance, he rushed from his hiding-place, stationed himself + immediately in the front of the other attendants upon the occasion, and + actually accompanied the corpse as chief mourner, having previously + concerted with his own mother to be upon the spot. When the body was + deposited in the vault, he took her by the hand, led her down the steps, + and gave some directions to the bearers as to the situation of the coffin, + while the other mourners, panic-struck at the extraordinary circumstances + in which they found themselves, turned about and walked in mournful + silence back, ruminating on the past with amazement, and full of + conjecture for the future. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A caricature of a similar nature to the one alluded to by + Dashall in this description, was certainly exhibited at the + time of the memorable 0. P. row, which exhibited a young man + of genteel appearance in the pit of Covent Garden Theatre, + addressing the audience. It had inscribed at the bottom + of it, + + Is this Barber-Ross-a? + + in allusion (no doubt) to the tragedy of Barbarossa. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[59]</span>"It was an extraordinary situation for + all parties," said Bob; "but hold, who have we here?—Egad! there is + an elegant carriage drawn up to the door; some Lord, or Nobleman, I'll be + bound for it—We can't be seen in this deshabille, I shall make my + escape." And saying this, he was hastening out of the room. + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! ha!" exclaimed Tom, "you need not be so speedy in your flight. + This is one of the fashionable requisites of London, with whom you must + also become acquainted; there is no such thing as doing without them—dress + and address are indispensables. This is no other than one of the + decorators." + </p> + <p> + "Decorators!" continued Bob, not exactly comprehending him. + </p> + <p> + "Monsieur le Tailleur—'Tin Mr. W——, from Cork Street, + come to exhibit his Spring patterns, and turn us out with the new cut—so + pray remain where you are." + </p> + <p> + "Tailor—decorator," said Bob—"Egad! the idea is almost as + ridiculous as the representation of the taylor riding to Brentford." + </p> + <p> + By this time the door was opened, and Mr. W. entered, making his bow with + the precision of a dancing-master, and was followed by a servant with + pattern-books, the other apparatus of his trade. The first salutations + over, large pattern-books were displayed upon the table, exhibiting to + view a variety of fancy-coloured cloths, and measures taken accordingly. + During which time, Tom, as on the former occasion, continued his enquiries + relative to the occurrences in the fashionable world. + </p> + <p> + "Rather tame, Sir, at present: the Queen's unexpected visit to the two + theatres was for a time a matter of surprise—the backwardness of + Drury Lane managers to produce 'God Save the King,' has been construed + into disloyalty to the Sovereign—and a laughable circumstance took + place on his going to the same house a few nights back, which has already + been made the subject of much merriment, both in conversation and + caricature. It appears that Mr. Gloss'em, who is a <i>shining character</i> + in the theatrical world, at least among the minors of the metropolis; and + whose father was for many years a wax-chandler in the neighbourhood of + Soho, holds a situation as clerk of the cheque to the Gentlemen Pensioners + of his Majesty's household, as well as that of Major Domo, manager and + proprietor of a certain theatre, not half a mile from Waterloo Bridge. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[60]</span>A part of his duty in the former capacity + is to attend occasionally upon the person of the King, as one of the + appendages of Royalty; in which <i>character</i> he appeared on the night + in question. The servants of the attendants who were in waiting for their + masters, had a room appropriated to their use. One of these latter gentry, + no other than Gloss'em's servant, being anxious to have as near a view of + the sacred person of his Majesty as his employer, had placed himself in a + good situation at the door, in order to witness his departure, when a Mr. + Winpebble, of mismanaging notoriety, and also a ponderous puff, assuming + managerial authority, espying him, desired the police-officers and guards + in attendance to turn out the lamp-lighter's boy, pointing to Gloss'em's + servant. This, it seems, was no sooner said than done, at the point of the + bayonet. Some little scuffle ensued—His Majesty and suite departed—Hold + up your arm, Sir." + </p> + <p> + "But did the matter end there?" enquired Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "O dear, no—not exactly." + </p> + <p> + "Because if it did," continued Tom, "in my opinion, it began with a wax + taper, and ended in the smoke of a farthing rushlight. You have made it + appear to be a gas-receiver without supplies." + </p> + <p> + "I beg pardon," said Mr. W.; "the pipes are full, but the gas is not yet + turned on." + </p> + <p> + This created a laugh, and Mr. W. proceeded:— + </p> + <p> + "The next day, the servant having informed his Master of the treatment he + had received, a gentleman was dispatched from Gloss'em to Winpebble, to + demand an apology: which being refused, the former, with a large horsewhip + under his arm, accosted the latter, and handsomely belaboured his + shoulders with lusty stripes. That, you see, Sir, sets the gas all in a + blaze.—That will do, Sir.—Now, Sir, at your service," + addressing himself to Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," said Tom, "the taper's alight again now; and pray what was the + consequence?" + </p> + <p> + "Winpebble called for assistance, which was soon obtained, and away they + went to Bow-street. Manager Taper, and Manager Vapour—the one + blazing with fire, and the other exhausted with thrashing;—'twas a + laughing scene. Manager Strutt, and Manager Butt, were strutting and + butting each other. The magistrate heard the case, and recommended peace + and quietness between <span class="pagenum">[61]</span>them, by an + amicable adjustment. The irritated minds of the now two enraged managers + could not be brought to consent to this. Gloss'em declared the piece + should be repeated, having been received with the most rapturous applause. + Winpebble roundly swore that the piece was ill got up, badly represented, + and damn'd to all intents and purposes—that the author had more + strength than wit—and though not a friend to injunctions himself, he + moved for an injunction against Gloss'em; who was at length something like + the renowned John Astley with his imitator Rees: + </p> + <p> + "This great John Astley, and this little Tommy Rees, Were both bound over + to keep the King's Peas." + </p> + <p> + Gloss'em was bound to keep the peace, and compelled to find security in + the sum of twenty pounds. Thus ended the farce of <i>The Enraged Managers—Drury + Lane in a Blaze, or Bow Street bewildered.</i>" + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! ha! an animated sort of vehicle for public amusement truly," said + Tom, "and of course produced with new scenery, music, dresses, and + decorations; forming a combination of attractions superior to any ever + exhibited at any theatre—egad! it would make a most excellent scene + in a new pantomime." + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! ha!" said Mr. W. "true, Sir, true; and the duel of Lord Shampetre + would have also its due portion of effect; but as his Lordship is a good + customer of mine, you must excuse any remarks on that circumstance." + </p> + <p> + "We have already heard of his Lordship's undaunted courage and firmness, + as well as the correctness of his aim." + </p> + <p> + "He! he! he!" chuckled W.; "then I fancy your information is not very + correct, for it appears his lordship displayed a want of every one of + those qualities that you impute to him; however, I venture to hope no + unpleasant measures will result from the occurrence, as I made the very + pantaloons he wore upon the occasion. It seems he is considerably <i>cut + up</i>; but you must know that, previous to the duel, I was consulted upon + the best mode of securing his sacred person from the effects of a bullet: + I recommended a very high waistband lined with whale-bone, and well padded + with horse-hair, to serve as a breast-plate, and calculated at once to + produce warmth, and resist <span class="pagenum">[62]</span>penetration. + The pantaloons were accordingly made, thickly overlaid with extremely rich + and expensive gold lace, and considered to be stiff enough for any thing—aye, + even to keep his Lordship erect. But what do you suppose was the effect of + all my care? I should not like to make a common talk of it, but so it + certainly was: his Lordship had no objection to the whalebone, buckram, + &c. outside of him, but was fearful that if his antagonist's fire + should be well-directed, his tender body might be additionally hurt by the + splinters of the whalebone being carried along with it, and actually + proposed to take them off before the dreadful hour of appointment came on. + In this however he was fortunately overruled by his Second, who, by the + by, was but a goose in the affair, and managed it altogether very badly, + except in the instance of being prompt with the smelling-bottle, which + certainly was well-timed; and it would have been a hissing hot business, + but for the judicious interference of the other Second." + </p> + <p> + A loud laugh succeeded this additional piece of information relative to + the <i>affair of honour</i>; and Snip having finished his measurement, + colours were fixed upon, and he departed, promising to be punctual in the + delivery of the new habiliments on the next day. + </p> + <p> + "I am now convinced," said Bob, "of the great importance and utility of a + London tradesman, and the speed of their execution is wonderful!" + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied Tom, "it is only to be equalled by the avidity with which + they obtain information, and the rapidity with which they circulate it—why, + in another half hour your personal appearance, the cut of your country + coat, your complexion and character, as far as so short an interview would + allow for obtaining it, will be known to all his customers—they are + generally quick and acute discerners. But come, we must be making ready + for our walk, it is now half-past ten o'clock—Sparkle will be here + presently. It is time to be dressing, as I mean to have a complete ramble + during the day, take a chop somewhere on the road, and in the evening, my + boy, we'll take a peep into the theatre. Lord Byron's tragedy of Marino + Faliero is to be performed to-night, and I can, I think, promise you a + treat of the highest kind." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho, who had no idea of dressing again, having already been obliged to + dress twice, seemed a little surprised at the proposition, but supposing + it to be the <span class="pagenum">[63]</span>custom of London, nodded + assent, and proceeded to the dressing-room. As he walked up stairs he + could not help casting his visual orbs over the banisters, just to take a + bird's eye view of the scene of his morning disasters, of which, to his + great astonishment and surprise, not a vestige remained—a new lamp + had been procured, which seemed to have arisen like a phoenix from its + ashes, and the stone passage and stairs appeared as he termed it, "as + white as a cauliflower." At the sight of all this, he was gratified and + delighted, for he expected to find a heap of ruins to reproach him. He + skipped, or rather vaulted up the stairs, three or four at a stride, with + all the gaiety of a race-horse when first brought to the starting-post. + The rapid movements of a Life in London at once astonished and enraptured + him; nor did he delay his steps, or his delight, until he had reached the + topmost story, when bursting open the door, lie marched boldly into the + room. Here again he was at fault; a female shriek assailed his ear, which + stopped his course, and looking around him, he could not find from whence + the voice proceeded. "Good God!" continued the same voice, "what can be + the meaning of this intrusion?—Begone, rash man." In the mean time, + Tom, who was in a room just under the one into which he had unfortunately + made so sudden an entrance, appeared at the door. + </p> + <p> + "What the devil is the matter now?" said Tom; when spying his cousin in + the centre of the room, without seeming to know whether to return or + remain, he could not restrain his laughter. Tallyho looked up, like one in + a dream—then down—then casting his eyes around him, he + perceived in the corner, peeping out from the bed-curtains in which she + had endeavoured to hide her almost naked person, the head of the old + Housekeeper. The picture was moving, and at the same time laughable. The + confusion of Bob—the fright of the Housekeeper, and the laughter of + Tom, were subjects for the pencil of a Hogarth! + </p> + <p> + "So," said Tom, "you are for springing game in all parts of the house, and + at all times too. How came you here?"—"Not by my appointment, Sir," + replied the old lady, who still remained rolled up in the curtain. "I + never did such a thing in all my born days: I'm an honest woman, and mean + to remain so. I never was so ashamed in all my life." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[64]</span>"I believe the house is enchanted," cried + Bob; "d—— me, I never seem to step without being on a barrel + of gunpowder, ready to ignite with the touch of my foot. I have made some + cursed blunder again, and don't seem to know where I am." + </p> + <p> + "Come, come," said Dashall, "that won't do—I'm sure you had some + design upon my Housekeeper, who you hear by her own account is a good + woman, and won't listen to your advances." + </p> + <p> + By this time the servants had arrived at the door, and were alternately + peeping in, wondering to see the two gentlemen in such a situation, and + secretly giggling and enjoying the embarrassment of the old woman, whose + wig lay on the table, and who was displaying her bald pate and shrivelled + features from the bed-curtains, enveloped in fringe and tassels, which + only served to render them still more ludicrous. + </p> + <p> + Bob affected to laugh; said it was very odd—he could not account for + it at all—stammered out something like an apology—begg'd + pardon—it was—a mistake—he really took it for his own + room—he never was so bewildered in his life—was very sorry he + should cause so much alarm—but really had no sort of intention + whatever. + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Dashall, "the best reparation you can now make for your + intrusion is a speedy retreat. Time is escaping, so come along;" and + taking him by the arm, they walked down the stairs together, and then + proceeded to re-fit without further obstruction, in order to be ready for + Sparkle, who was expected every minute. + </p> + <p> + The first day of Bob's residence in London had already been productive of + some curious adventures, in which he, unfortunately as he considered, had + sustained the principal character—a character not altogether + suitable to is inclinations or wishes, though productive of much merriment + to his ever gay and sprightly Cousin, who had witnessed the embarrassment + of his pupil upon his first entrance into Life with ungovernable laughter. + It was to him excellent sport, while it furnished a good subject of + speculation and conversation among the servants below, but was not so well + relished by the affrighted old house-keeper. Indeed, the abrupt entrance + of a man into her bed-chamber had so deranged her ideas, that she was + longer than usual in decking her person previous to her <span + class="pagenum">[65]</span>re-appearance. The tender frame of the old lady + had been subjected to serious agitations at the bare idea of such a visit, + and the probable imputations that might in consequence be thrown upon her + sacred and unspotted character; nor could she for some time recover her + usual serenity. + </p> + <p> + Such was the situation of the parties at the moment we are now describing; + but as our Heroes are preparing for an extensive, actual survey of men, + manners, and tilings, we shall for the present leave them in peace and + quietness, while we proceed to the next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + What shows! and what sights! what a round of delights + You'll meet in the gay scene of London; + How charming to view" amusements still new, + Twenty others you'll find soon as one's done. + At the gay scene at Court—Peers and gentry resort, + In pleasure you'll never miss one day: + There's the Opera treat, the parade in Bond Street, + And the crowd in Hyde Park on a Sunday. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[66]</span>TOM, whose wardrobe was extensive, found + no difficulty, and lost no time in preparing for the promenade; while, on + the other hand, Tallyho was perplexed to know how to tog himself out in a + way suitable to make his appearance in the gay world of fashion. Dashall + had therefore rapidly equipped himself, when, perceiving it was half-past + eleven, he was the more perplexed to account for the absence of Sparkle; + for although it was an early hour, yet, upon such an occasion as that of + initiating a new recruit, it was very extraordinary that he should not + have been prompt. However, he entered Tallyho's room, and found him + looking out of the window in a posture of rumination, probably revolving + in his mind the events of the morning. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Tom, as he entered, "'tis time to be on the move, and if + Sparkle don't show in a few minutes, we'll set sail and call in upon him + at Long's, in Bond Street. Perhaps he is not well, or something prevents + his appearance—we'll make it in our way, and we have a fine day + before us." + </p> + <p> + "I am at your service," replied Bob, who could not help viewing the + elegance of his Cousin's appearance: the style of his dress, and the + neatness with which his garments fitted him, were all subjects of + admiration, and formed so strong a contrast with his own as almost to + excite envy. He had however attired himself in a way that befits a + fashionable country gentleman: a green coat, white waistcoat, buckskin + breeches, and boots, over <span class="pagenum">[67]</span>which a pair of + leggings appeared, which extended below the calf of the leg and half up + the thigh, surmounted with a <i>Lily Shallow</i>. Such was the costume in + which he was destined to show off; and thus equipped, after a few minutes + they emerged from the house in Piccadilly on the proposed ramble, and + proceeded towards Bond Street. + </p> + <p> + The first object that took their particular attention was the Burlington + Arcade. "Come," said Tom, "we may as well go this way," and immediately + they passed the man in the gold-laced hat, who guards the entrance to + prevent the admission of boys and improper persons. The display of the + shops, with the sun shining through the windows above, afforded much for + observation, and attracted Bob from side to side—to look, to wonder + and admire. But Tom, who was intent upon finding his friend Sparkle, urged + the necessity of moving onward with more celerity, lest he should be gone + out, and consequently kept drawing his Cousin forward. "Another and a + better opportunity will be afforded for explanation than the present, and + as speed is the order of the day, I hope you will not prove disorderly; we + shall soon reach Long's, and when we have Sparkle with us, we have one of + the most intelligent and entertaining fellows in the world. He is a sort + of index to every thing, and every body; his knowledge of life and + character, together with a facetiousness of whim and manner, which he has + in delineating them, are what we call in London—<i>Prime and bang up + to the mark</i>. There is scarcely a Lane, Court, Alley, or Street, in the + Metropolis, but what he knows, from the remotest corners of Rag-Fair, to + the open and elegant Squares of the West, even to Hyde Park Corner. + Memory, mirth, and magic, seem at all times to animate his tongue, and, as + the Song says, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "He is the hoy for bewitching 'em, + Whether good-humour'd or coy." +</pre> + <p> + Indeed, he is the admiration of all who know him; wit, whim, frolic, and + fun, are constant companions with him, and I really believe, in a dungeon + or a palace, he would always appear the same." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had reached Bond Street, in their way to which, each + step they had taken, the streets and avenues of every description appeared + to Bob to be crowded to an excess; the mingling cries which were <span + class="pagenum">[68]</span>vociferated around them produced in his mind + uncommon sensations. The rattling of the carriages, the brilliance of the + shops, and the continual hum of the passengers, contributed to heighten + the scene. + </p> + <p> + "Bond Street," said Dashall, "is not one of the most elegant streets in + the vicinity of London, but is the resort of the most fashionable people, + and from about two o'clock till five, it is all bustle—all life—every + species of fashionable vehicle is to be seen dashing along in gay and + gallant pride. From two to five are the fashionable shopping-hours, for + which purpose the first families resort to this well-known street—others, + to shew their equipage, make an assignation, or kill a little time; which + is as much a business with some, as is the more careful endeavours of + others to seize him in his flight, and make the most of his presence. The + throng is already increasing; the variety, richness, and gaiety of the + shops in this street, will always be attractive, and make it a popular + rendezvous of both sexes. It will shortly be as crowded as Rag Fair, or + the Royal Exchange; and the magic splendour has very peculiar properties. + </p> + <p> + "It makes the tradesman forget—while he is cheating a lovely and + smiling Duchess—that in all probability her ladyship is endeavouring + to cheat him. It makes the gay and airy, the furbelowed and painted lady + of the town, forget that she must pay a visit to her uncle,{1} in order to + raise the wind before she can make her appearance at the theatre at + half-price. It makes the dashing prisoner forget, that while "he is + sporting his figure in the bang-up style of appearance, he is only taking + his ride on a day-rule from the King's Bench. It makes the Lord who drives + four-in-hand forget his losses of the night before at some of the + fashionable gaming-houses. It makes one adventurer forget that the clothes + in which he expects to obtain respect and attention, are more than likely + to be paid for in Newgate; another for a time forgets that <i>John Doe</i> + and <i>Richard Roe</i> have expelled him from his + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 My Uncle is a very convenient and accommodating sort of + friend, who lives at the sign of the Three Balls, indicative + of his willingness to lend money upon good security, for the + payment of enormous interest. The original meaning of the + sign has puzzled the curious and antiquarians, and the only + probable meaning they can discover is, that it implies the + chances are two to one against any property being redeemed + after being once committed to the keeping of this tender + hearted and affectionate relative. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[69]</span>lodgings; and a third that all his + worldly possessions are not equal to the purchase of a dinner. It is an <i>ignis + fatuus</i>—a sort of magic lantern replete with delusive appearances—of + momentary duration—an escape to the regions of noise, tumult, + vanity, and frivolity, where the realities of Life, the circumstances and + the situation of the observer, are not suffered to intrude. + </p> + <p> + "But to be seen in this street at a certain hour, is one of the essentials + to the existence of <i>haut-ton</i>—it is the point of attraction + for greetings in splendid equipages, from the haughty bend or familiar nod + of arrogance, to the humble bow of servility. Here mimicry without money + assumes the consequential air of independence: while modest merit creeps + along unheeded through the glittering crowd. Here all the senses are + tantalized with profusion, and the eye is dazzled with temptation, for no + other reason than because it is the constant business of a fashionable + life—not to live in, but out of self, to imitate the luxuries of the + affluent without a tithe of their income, and to sacrifice morality at the + altar of notoriety." + </p> + <p> + "Your description of this celebrated street, of which I have heard so + much," said Tallyho, "is truly lively." + </p> + <p> + "But it is strictly true," continued Tom. + </p> + <p> + They had now arrived at Long's, and found a barouche and four waiting at + the door. Upon entering, the first person they met was Lord Cripplegate, + whom they passed, and proceeded to the coffee-room; in one of the boxes of + which Tom immediately directed his Cousin's attention to a well-dressed + young man, who was reading the newspaper, and sipping his coffee—"Take + notice of him," said Tom. + </p> + <p> + Bob looked at him for a moment, marked his features, and his dress, which + was in the extreme of fashion; while Tom, turning to one of the Waiters, + enquired for his friend Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + "He has not been here since yesterday morning!" said the Waiter. + </p> + <p> + "I have been waiting for him these two hours!" exclaimed the young Sprig + of Fashion, laying down the newspaper almost at the same moment, "and must + wait till he comes—Ah! Mr. Dashall, how d'ye do?—-very glad to + see you—left all well in the country, I hope!—Mr. Sparkle was + to have met me this morning at eleven precisely, I should judge he is gone + into the country." + </p> + <p> + "It must have been late last night, then," said Dashall, <span + class="pagenum">[70]</span>"for he left us about half-past ten, and + promised also to meet us again this morning at eleven; I can't think what + can have become of him—but come," said he, taking Bob by the arm, + "we must keep moving—Good morning—good morning." And thus + saying, walked directly out of the house, turning to the right again + towards Piccadilly. + </p> + <p> + "There is a remark made, I think by Goldsmith," said Tom, "that one half + of the world don't know how the other half lives; and the man I spoke to + in the coffee-room, whose name I am unacquainted with, though his person + is recognized by almost every body, while his true character, residence, + and means of subsistence, remain completely in obscurity, from what I have + seen of him, I judge is what may be termed a <i>hanger on</i>." + </p> + <p> + "A hanger on," said Bob—"what can that mean? I took him for a man of + property and high birth—but I saw you take so little notice of him." + </p> + <p> + "Ah! my good fellow, I have already cautioned you not to be duped by + appearances. A <i>hanger on</i> is a sort of sycophant, or toad-eater, + and, in the coffee-houses and hotels of London, many such are to be found—men + who can <i>spin out a long yarn</i>, tell a tough story, and tip you <i>a + rum chant</i>—who invite themselves by a freedom of address + bordering on impudence to the tables and the parties of persons they know, + by pretending to call in by mere accident, just at the appointed time: by + assuming great confidence, great haste, little appetite, and much + business; but, at the same time, requiring but little pressure to forego + them all for the pleasure of the company present. What he can have to do + with Sparkle I am at a loss to conceive; but he is an insinuating and an + intriguing sort of fellow, whom I by no means like, so I cut him." + </p> + <p> + Bob did not exactly understand the meaning of the word cut, and therefore + begged his Cousin to explain. + </p> + <p> + "The cut," said Tom, "is a fashionable word for getting rid, by rude or + any means, of any person whose company is not agreeable. The art of <i>cutting</i> + is reduced to a system in London; and an explanatory treatise has been + written on the subject for the edification of the natives.{1} But I am so + bewildered to think what can have detained Sparkle, and deprived us of his + company, that I scarcely know how to think for a moment on any other + subject at present." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Vide a small volume entitled "The Cutter." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[71]</span>"It is somewhat strange!" cried Bob, + "that he was not with you this morning." + </p> + <p> + "There is some mystery in it," said Tom, "which time alone can unravel; + but however, we will not be deprived of our intended ramble." At this + moment they entered Piccadilly, and were crossing the road in their way to + St. James's Street, when Dashall nodded to a gentleman passing by on the + opposite side, and received a sort of half bow in return. "That," said + Tom, "is a curious fellow, and a devilish clever fellow too—for + although he has but one arm, he is a man of science." + </p> + <p> + "In what way?" enquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "He is a pugilist," said Tom—"one of those courageous gentlemen who + can queer the daylights, tap the claret, prevent telling fibs, and pop the + noddle into chancery; and a devilish good hand he is, I can assure you, + among those who + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ——"can combat with ferocious strife, + And beat an eye out, or thump out a life; + Can bang the ribs in, or bruise out the brains, + And die, like noble blockheads, for their pains." +</pre> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page071.jpg" alt="Page71 Fives Court " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "Having but one arm, of course he is unable to figure in the ring—though + he attends the mills, and is a constant visitor at the Fives Court + exhibitions, and generally appears <i>a la Belcher</i>. He prides himself + upon flooring a novice, and hits devilish hard with the glove. I have had + some lessons from this amateur of the old English science, and felt the + force of his fist; but it is a very customary thing to commence in a + friendly way, till the knowing one finds an opportunity which he cannot + resist, of shewing the superiority he possesses. So it was with Harry and + me, when he put on his glove. I use the singular number, because he has + but one hand whereon to place a glove withal. Come, said he, it shall only + be a little innocent spar. I also put on a glove, for it would not be fair + to attack a one-armed man with two, and no one ought to take the odds in + combat. To it we went, and I shewed <i>first blood</i>, for he tapped <i>the + claret</i> in no time. + </p> + <p> + "Neat <i>milling we had</i>, what with <i>clouts on the nob</i>, Home hits + in the <i>bread-basket</i>, clicks in the gob, And plumps in the + daylights, a prettier treat Between two <i>Johnny Raws</i> 'tis not easy + to meet." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[72]</span>"I profited however by Harry's lessons, + and after a short time was enabled to return the compliment with interest, + by sewing up one of his <i>glimmers</i>. + </p> + <p> + "This is St. James's Street," continued he, as they turned the corner + rather short; in doing which, somewhat animated by the description he had + just been giving, Tom's foot caught the toe of a gentleman, who was + mincing along the pathway with all the care and precision of a + dancing-master, which had the effect of bringing him to the ground in an + instant as effectually as a blow from one of the fancy. Tom, who had no + intention of giving offence wantonly, apologized for the misfortune, by—"I + beg pardon, Sir," while Bob, who perceived the poor creature was unable to + rise again, and apprehending some broken bones, assisted him to regain his + erect position. The poor animal, or nondescript, yclept Dandy, however had + only been prevented the exercise of its limbs by the stiffness of certain + appendages, without which its person could not be complete—the <i>stays</i>, + lined with whalebone, were the obstacles to its rising. Being however + placed in its natural position, he began in an affected blustering tone of + voice to complain that it was d——d odd a gentleman could not + walk along the streets without being incommoded by puppies—pulled + out his quizzing glass, and surveyed our heroes from head to foot—then + taking from his pocket a smelling bottle, which, by application to the + nose, appeared to revive him, Tom declared he was sorry for the accident, + had no intention, and hoped he was not hurt. This, however, did not appear + to satisfy the offended Dandy, who turned upon his heel muttering to + himself the necessity there was of preventing drunken fellows from + rambling the streets to the annoyance of sober and genteel people in the + day-time. + </p> + <p> + Dashall, who overheard the substance of his ejaculation, broke from the + arm of Bob, and stepping after him without ceremony, by a sudden wheel + placed himself in the front of him, so as to impede his progress a second + time; a circumstance which filled Mr. Fribble with additional alarm, and + his agitation became visibly' depicted on his countenance. + </p> + <p> + "What do you mean?" cried Dashall, with indignation, taking the imputation + of drunkenness at that early hour in dudgeon. "Who, and what are you, + <span class="pagenum">[73]</span>Sir?{1} Explain instantly, or by the + honour of a gentleman, I'll chastise this insolence." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 "What are you?" is a formidable question to a dandy of the + present day, for + + "Dandy's a gender of the doubtful kind; + A something, nothing, not to be defined; + 'Twould puzzle worlds its sex to ascertain, + So very empty, and so very vain." + + It is a fact that the following examination of three of + these non-descripts took place at Bow Street a very short + time back, in consequence of a nocturnal fracas. The report + was thus given: + + "Three young sprigs of fashion, in full dress, somewhat + damaged and discoloured by a night's lodging in the cell of + a watch-house, were yesterday brought before Mr. Birnie, + charged with disorderly conduct in the streets, and with + beating a watchman named Lloyd. + + "Lloyd stated that his beat was near the Piazza, and at a + very late hour on Thursday night, the three defendants came + through Covent Garden, singing, and conducting themselves in + the most riotous manner possible. They were running, and + were followed by three others, all in a most uproarious + state of intoxication, and he thought proper to stop them; + upon which he was <i>floored san-ceremonie</i>, and when he + recovered his legs, he was again struck, and called '<i>a b——y + Charley</i>,' and other ungenteel names. He called for + the assistance of some of his brethren, and the defendants + were with some trouble taken to the watch-house. They were + very jolly on the way, and when lodged in durance, amused + themselves with abusing the Constable of the night, and took + especial care that no one within hearing of the watch-house + should get a wink of sleep for the remainder of the night. + + Mr. Birnie.—"Well young gentleman, what have you to say to + this?" The one who undertook to be spokesman, threw himself + in the most familiar manner possible across the table, and + having fixed himself perfectly at his ease, he said, "The + fact was, they had been dining at a tavern, and were rather + drunk, and on their way through the Piazza, they endeavoured + by running away to give the slip to their three companions, + who were still worse than themselves. The others, however + called out Stop thief! and the watchman stopped them; + whereat they naturally felt irritated, and certainly gave + the watchman a bit of a thrashing." + + Mr. Birnie.—"How was he to know you were not the thieves? + He did quite right to stop you, and I am very glad he has + brought you here—Pray, Sir, what are you?" Defendant.—"I + am nothing, Sir." Mr. Birnie (to another).—"And what are + you?" Defendant.—"Why, Sir, I am—I am, Sir, nothing." Mr. + Birnie.—"Well, this is very fine. Pray, Sir, (turning to + the third, who stood twirling his hat) will you do me the + favour to tell what you are?" + + This gentleman answered in the same way. "I am, as my + friends observed, nothing." + + Mr. Birnie.—"Well, gentlemen, I must endeavour to make + something of you. Here, gaoler, let them he locked up, and I + shall not part with them until I have some better account of + their occupations." + + We have heard it asserted, that Nine tailors make a man. How + many Dandies, professing to be Nothing, may be required to + accomplish the proposed intention of making Something, may + (perhaps by this time) be discovered by the worthy + Magistrate. We however suspect he has had severe work of it. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[74]</span>"Leave me alone," exclaimed the almost + petrified Dandy. + </p> + <p> + "Not till you have given me the satisfaction I have a right to demand," + cried Tom. "I insist upon an explanation and apology—or demand your + card—who are you, Sir? That's my address," instantly handing him a + card. "I am not to be played with, nor will I suffer your escape, after + the insulting manner in which you have spoken, with impunity." + </p> + <p> + Though not prepared for such a rencontre, the Dandy, who now perceived the + inflexible temper of Tom's mind—and a crowd of people gathering + round him—determined at least to put on as much of the character of + a man as possible, and fumbled in his pocket for a card; at length finding + one, he slipped it into Tom's hand. "Oh, Sir," said he, "if that's the + case, I'm your man, <i>demmee</i>,—how, when, or where you please, + 'pon honor." Then beckoning to a hackney coach, he hobbled to the door, + and was pushed in by coachee, who, immediately mounted the box and + flourishing his whip, soon rescued him from his perilous situation, and + the jeers of the surrounding multitude. + </p> + <p> + Tom, who in the bustle of the crowd had slipped the card of his antagonist + into his pocket, now took Bob's arm, and they pursued their way down St. + James's Street, and could not help laughing at the affair: but Tallyho, + who had a great aversion to duelling, and was thinking of the + consequences, bit his lips, and expressed his sorrow at what had occurred; + he ascribed the hasty imputation of drunkenness to the irritating effects + of the poor creature's accident, and expressed his hope that his cousin + would take no further notice of it. Tom, however, on the other <span + class="pagenum">[75]</span>hand, ridiculed Bob's fears—told him it + was a point of honour not to suffer an insult in the street from any man—nor + would he—besides, the charge of drunkenness from such a thing as + that, is not to be borne. "D——n it, man, drunkenness in the + early part of the day is a thing I abhor, it is at all times what I would + avoid if possible, but at night there may be many apologies for it; nay in + some cases even to avoid it is impossible. The pleasures of society are + enhanced by it—the joys of love are increased by the circulation of + the glass—harmony, conviviality and friendship are produced by it—though + I am no advocate for inebriety, and detest the idea of the beast— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Who clouds his reason by the light of day, + And falls to drink, an early and an easy prey." +</pre> + <p> + "Well," said Bob, "I cannot help thinking this poor fellow, who has + already betrayed his fears, will be inclined to make any apology for his + rudeness to-morrow." + </p> + <p> + "If he does not," said Tom, "I'll wing him, to a certainty—a + jackanapes—a puppy—a man-milliner; perhaps a thing of shreds + and patches—he shall not go unpunished, I promise you; so come + along, we will just step in here, and I'll dispatch this business at once: + I'll write a challenge, and then it will be off my hands." And so saying, + they entered a Coffee-house, where, calling for pen, ink and paper, Tom + immediately began his epistle, shrewdly hinting to his Cousin, that he + expected he would act as his Second. "It will be a fine opportunity for + introducing your name to the gay world—the newspapers will record + your name as a man of ton. Let us see now how it will appear:—On + —— last, the Honourable Tom Dashall, attended by his Cousin, + Robert Tallyho, Esq. of Belleville Hall, met—ah, by the bye, let us + see who he is," here he felt in his pocket for the card. + </p> + <p> + Bob, however, declared his wish to decline obtaining popularity by being + present upon such an occasion, and suggested the idea of his calling upon + the offender, and endeavouring to effect an amicable arrangement between + them. + </p> + <p> + "Hallo!" exclaimed Tom with surprise, as he drew the card from his pocket, + and threw it on the table—"Ha, ha, ha,—look at that." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho looked at the card without understanding it. "What does it mean?" + said he. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[76]</span>"Mean," replied Tom, "why it is a + Pawnbroker's duplicate for a Hunting Watch, deposited with his uncle this + morning in St. Martin's Lane, for two pounds—laughable enough—well, + you may dismiss your fears for the present; but I'll try if I can't find + my man by this means—if he is worth finding—at all events we + have found a watch." + </p> + <p> + Bob now joined in the laugh, and, having satisfied the Waiter, they + sallied forth again. + </p> + <p> + Just as they left the Coffee-house, "Do you see that Gentleman in the blue + great coat, arm in arm with another? that is no other than the ——. + You would scarcely conceive, by his present appearance, that he has + commanded armies, and led them on to victory; and that having retired + under the shade of his laurels, he is withering them away, leaf by leaf, + by attendance at the <i>hells</i>{1} of the metropolis; his unconquerable + spirit still actuating him in his hours of relaxation. It is said that the + immense sum awarded to him for his prowess in war, has been so materially + reduced by his inordinate passion for play, that although he appears at + Court, and is a favourite, the demon Poverty stares him in the face. But + this is a vile world, and half one hears is not to be believed. He is + certainly extravagant, fond of women, and fond of wine; but all these + foibles are overshadowed with so much glory as scarcely to remain + perceptible. Here is the Palace," said Tom, directing his Cousin's + attention to the bottom of the street. + </p> + <p> + Bob was evidently struck at this piece of information, as he could + discover no mark of grandeur in its appearance to entitle it to the + dignity of a royal residence. + </p> + <p> + "It is true," said Tom, "the outside appearance is not much in its favour; + but it is venerable for its antiquity, and for its being till lately the + place at which the Kings of this happy Island have held their Courts. On + the site of that palace originally stood an hospital, founded before the + conquest, for fourteen leprous females, to whom eight brethren were + afterwards added, to assist in the performance of divine service." + </p> + <p> + "Very necessary," said Bob, "and yet scarcely sufficient." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Hells—The abode or resort of black-legs or gamblers, + where they assemble to commit their depredations on the + unwary. But of these we shall have occasion to enlarge + elsewhere. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[77]</span>"You seem to quiz this Palace, and are + inclined to indulge your wit upon old age. In 1532, it was surrendered to + Henry viii. and he erected the present Palace, and enclosed St. James's + Park, to serve as a place of amusement and exercise, both to this Palace + and Whitehall. But it does not appear to have been the Court of the + English Sovereigns, during their residence in town, till the reign of + Queen Ann, from which time it has been uniformly used as such. + </p> + <p> + "It is built of brick; and that part which contains the state apartments, + being only one story high, gives it a regular appearance outside. The + State-rooms are commodious and handsome, although there is nothing very + superb or grand in the decorations or furniture. + </p> + <p> + "The entrance to these rooms is by a stair-case which opens into the + principal court, which you now see. At the top of the stair-case are two + rooms; one on the left, called the Queen's, and the other the King's + Guard-room, leading to the State-apartments. Immediately beyond the King's + Guard-room is the Presence-chamber, which contains a canopy, and is hung + with tapestry; and which is now used as a passage to the principal rooms. + </p> + <p> + "There is a suite of five rooms opening into each other successively, + fronting the Park. The Presence-chamber opens into the centre room, which + is denominated the Privy-chamber, in which is a canopy of flowered-crimson + velvet, generally made use of for the King to receive the Quakers. + </p> + <p> + "On the right are two drawing-rooms, one within the other. At the upper + end of the further one, is a throne with a splendid canopy, on which the + Kings have been accustomed to receive certain addresses. This is called + the Grand Drawing-room, and is used by the King and Queen on certain state + occasions, the nearer room being appropriated as a kind of ante-chamber, + in which the nobility, &c. are permitted to remain while their + Majesties are present in the further room, and is furnished with stools, + sofas, &c. for the purpose. There are two levee-rooms on the left of + the privy-chamber, on entering from the King's guard-room and + presence-chamber, the nearer one serving as an ante-chamber to the other. + They were all of them, formerly, meanly furnished, but at the time of the + marriage of our present King, they were elegantly fitted up. The walls are + now covered with tapestry, very beautiful, and of rich colours—tapestry + which, although it <span class="pagenum">[73]</span>was made for Charles + II. had never been used, having by some accident lain unnoticed in a + chest, till it was discovered a short time before the marriage of the + Prince. + </p> + <p> + "The canopy of the throne was made for the late-Queen's birth-day, the + first which happened after the union of Great Britain and Ireland. It is + made of crimson velvet, with very broad gold lace, embroidered with crowns + set with fine and rich pearls. The shamrock, emblematical of the Irish + nation, forms a part of the decorations of the British crown, and is + executed with great taste and accuracy. + </p> + <p> + "The grand drawing-room contains a large, magnificent chandelier of + silver, gilt, but I believe it has not been lighted for some years; and in + the grand levee-room is a very noble bed, the furniture of which is of + Spitalfields manufacture, in crimson velvet. It was first put up with the + tapestry, on the marriage of the present King, then Prince of Wales. + </p> + <p> + "It is upon the whole an irregular building, chiefly consisting of several + courts and alleys, which lead into the Park. This, however, is the age of + improvement, and it is said that the Palace will shortly be pulled down, + and in the front of St. James's Street a magnificent triumphal arch is to + be erected, to commemorate the glorious victories of the late war, and to + form a grand entrance to the Park. + </p> + <p> + "The Duke of York, the Duke of Clarence, the King's servants, and many + other dignified persons, live in the Stable-yard." + </p> + <p> + "In the Stable-yard!" said Bob, "dignified persons reside in a + Stable-yard, you astonish me!" + </p> + <p> + "It is quite true," said Tom, "and remember it is the Stable-yard of a + King." + </p> + <p> + "I forgot that circumstance," said Bob, "and that circumstances alter + cases. But whose carriage is this driving with so much rapidity?" + </p> + <p> + "That is His Highness the Duke of York, most likely going to pay a visit + to his royal brother, the King, who resides in a Palace a little further + on: which will be in our way, for it is yet too early to see much in the + Park: so let us proceed, I am anxious to make some inquiry about my + antagonist, and therefore mean to take St. Martin's Lane as we go along." + </p> + <p> + With this they pursued their way along Pall Mall. The rapidity of Tom's + movements however afforded little opportunity for observation or remark, + till they <span class="pagenum">[79]</span>arrived opposite Carlton House, + when he called his Cousin's attention to the elegance of the new streets + opposite to it. + </p> + <p> + "That," said he, "is Waterloo Place, which, as well as the memorable + battle after which it is named, has already cost the nation an immense sum + of money, and must cost much more before the proposed improvements are + completed: it is however, the most elegant street in London. The want of + uniformity of the buildings has a striking effect, and gives it the + appearance of a number of palaces. In the time of Queen Elizabeth there + were no such places as Pall Mall, St. James's-street, Piccadilly, nor any + of the streets or fine squares in this part of the town. That building at + the farther end is now the British Fire-office, and has a pleasing effect + at this distance. The cupola on the left belongs to a chapel, the interior + of which for elegant simplicity is unrivalled. To the left of the centre + building is a Circus, and a serpentine street, not yet finished, which + runs to Swallow Street, and thence directly to Oxford Road, where another + circus is forming, and is intended to communicate with Portland Place; by + which means a line of street, composed of all new buildings, will be + completed. Of this dull looking place (turning to Carlton House) although + it is the town-residence of our King, I shall say nothing at present, as I + intend devoting a morning, along with you, to its inspection. The exterior + has not the most lively appearance, but the interior is magnificent."—During + this conversation they had kept moving gently on. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page079.jpg" alt="Page79 the Kings Levee " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Bob was charmed with the view down Waterloo Place. + </p> + <p> + "That," said his Cousin, pointing to the Arcade at the opposite corner of + Pall Mall, "is the Italian Opera-house, which has recently assumed its + present superb appearance, and may be ranked among the finest buildings in + London. It is devoted to the performance of Italian operas and French + ballets, is generally open from December to July, and is attended by the + most distinguished and fashionable persons. The improvements in this part + are great. That church, which you see in the distance over the tops of the + houses, is St. Martin's in the fields." + </p> + <p> + "In the fields," inquired Bob; "what then, are we come to the end of the + town?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[80]</span>"Ha! ha! ha!" cried Tom—"the end—no, + no,—I was going to say there is no end to it—no, we have not + reached any thing like the centre." + </p> + <p> + "<i>Blood an owns, boderation and blarney</i>," (said an Irishman, at that + moment passing them with a hod of mortar on his shoulder, towards the new + buildings, and leaving an ornamental patch as he went along on Bob's + shoulder) "but I'll be a'ter <i>tipping turnups</i>{l} to any b——dy + rogue that's tip to saying—<i>Black's the white of the blue part of + Pat Murphy's eye</i>; and for that there matter," dropping the hod of + mortar almost on their toes at the same time, and turning round to Bob—"By + the powers! I ax the Jontleman's pardon—tho' he's not the first + Jontleman that has carried mortar—where is that <i>big, bully-faced + blackguard</i> that I'm looking after?" During this he brushed the mortar + off Tallyho's coat with a snap of his fingers, regardless of where or on + whom he distributed it. + </p> + <p> + The offender, it seemed, had taken flight while Pat was apologizing, and + was no where to be found. + </p> + <p> + "Why what's the matter?" inquired Tom; "you seem in a passion." + </p> + <p> + "Och! not in the least bit, your honour! I'm only in a d——d + rage. By the mug of my mother—arn't it a great shame that a + Jontleman of Ireland can't walk the streets of London without having <i>poratees + and butter-milk</i> throw'd in his gums?"—Hitching up the waistband + of his breeches—"It won't do at all at all for Pat: its a reflection + on my own native land, where— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Is hospitality, + All reality, + No formality + There you ever see; + The free and easy + Would so amaze ye, + You'd think us all crazy, + For dull we never be." +</pre> + <p> + These lines sung with an Irish accent, to the tune of "Morgan Rattler," + accompanied with a snapping of his fingers, and concluded with a something + in imitation of + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 <i>Tipping Turnups</i>—This is a phrase made use of among the + <i>prigging</i> fraternity, to signify a turn-up—which is to + knock down. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[81]</span>an Irish jilt, were altogether so truly + characteristic of the nation to which he belonged, as to afford our Heroes + considerable amusement. Tom threw him a half-crown, which he picked up + with more haste than he had thrown down the mortar in his rage. + </p> + <p> + "Long life and good luck to the Jontleman!" said Pat. "Sure enough, I + won't be after drinking health and success to your Honour's pretty + picture, and the devil pitch into his own cabin the fellow that would be + after picking a hole or clapping a dirty patch on the coat of St. Patrick—whiskey + for ever, your Honour, huzza— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "A drop of good whiskey + Would make a man frisky." +</pre> + <p> + By this time a crowd was gathering round them, and Tom cautioned Bob in a + whisper to beware of his pockets. This piece of advice however came too + late, for his <i>blue bird's eye wipe</i>{l} had taken flight. + </p> + <p> + "What," said Bob, "is this done in open day?" "Are you all right and tight + elsewhere?" said Tom—"if you are, toddle on and say nothing about + it.—Open day!" continued he, "aye, the system of <i>frigging</i>{2} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 <i>Blue bird's eye wipe</i>—A blue pocket handkerchief with + white spots. + + 2 A cant term for all sorts of thieving. The Life of the + celebrated George Barrington, of Old Bailey notoriety, is + admirably illustrative of this art; which by a more recent + development of Hardy Vaux, appears to be almost reduced to + a system, notwithstanding the wholesomeness of our laws and + the vigilance of our police in their administration. However + incredible it may appear, such is the force of habit and + association, the latter, notwithstanding he was detected and + transported, contrived to continue his depredations during + his captivity, returned, at the expiration of his term, to + his native land and his old pursuits, was transported a + second time, suffered floggings and imprison-ments, without + correcting what cannot but be termed the vicious + propensities of his nature. He generally spent his mornings + in visiting the shops of jewellers, watch-makers, + pawnbrokers, &c. depending upon his address and appearance, + and determining to make the whole circuit of the metropolis + and not to omit a single shop in either of those branches. + This scheme he actually executed so fully, that he believes + he did not leave ten untried in London; for he made a point + of commencing early every day, and went regularly through + it, taking both sides of the way. His practice on entering a + shop was to request to look at gold seals, chains, + brooches, rings, or any other small articles of value, + and while examining them, and looking the shopkeeper in the + face, he contrived by sleight of hand to conceal two or + three, sometimes more, as opportunities offered, in the + sleeve of his coat, which was purposely made wide. In this + practice he succeeded to a very great extent, and in the + course of his career was never once detected in the fact, + though on two or three occa-sions so much suspicion arose + that he was obliged to exert all his effrontery, and to use + very high language, in order, as the cant phrase is, to + bounce the tradesman out of it; his fashionable appearance, + and affected anger at his insinuations, always had the + effect of inducing an apology; and in many such cases he has + actually carried away the spoil, notwithstanding what passed + between them, and even gone so far as to visit the same shop + again a second and a third time with as good success as at + first. This, with his nightly attendance at the Theatres and + places of public resort, where he picked pockets of watches, + snuff-boxes, &c. was for a length of time the sole business + of his life. He was however secured, after secreting himself + for a time, convicted, and is now transported for life—as + he conceives, sold by another cele-brated Prig, whose real + name was Bill White, but better known by the title of Conky + Beau. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[82]</span>will be acted on sometimes by the very + party you are speaking to—the expertness with which it is done is + almost beyond belief." + </p> + <p> + Bob having ascertained that his handkerchief was the extent of his loss, + they pursued their way towards Charing Cross. + </p> + <p> + "A line of street is intended," continued Tom, "to be made from the Opera + House to terminate with that church; and here is the King's Mews, which is + now turned into barracks." + </p> + <p> + "Stop thief! Stop thief!" was at this moment vociferated in their ears by + a variety of voices, and turning round, they perceived a well-dressed man + at full speed, followed pretty closely by a concourse of people. In a + moment the whole neighbourhood appeared to be in alarm. The up-stairs + windows were crowded with females—the tradesmen were at their + shop-doors—the passengers were huddled together in groups, inquiring + of each other—"What is the matter?—who is it?—which is + him?—what has he done?" while the pursuers were increasing in + numbers as they went. The bustle of the scene was new to Bob—Charing + Cross and its vicinity was all in motion. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Tom, "let us see the end of this—they are sure to <i>nab</i>{l} + my gentleman before he gets much + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 <i>Nabbed or nibbled</i>—Secured or taken. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[83]</span>farther, so let us <i>brush</i>{1} on." + Then pulling his Cousin by the arm, they moved forward to the scene of + action. + </p> + <p> + As they approached St. Martin's Lane, the gathering of the crowd, which + was now immense, indicated to Tom a capture. + </p> + <p> + "Button up," said he, "and let us see what's the matter." + </p> + <p> + "<i>Arrah be easy</i>" cried a voice which they instantly recognized to be + no other than Pat Murphy's. "I'll hold you, my dear, till the night after + Doomsday, though I can't tell what day of the year that is. Where's the + man wid the <i>gould-laced skull-cap</i>? Sure enough I tought I'd be up + wi' you, and so now you see I'm down upon you." + </p> + <p> + At this moment a Street-keeper made way through the crowd, and Tom and Bob + keeping close in his rear, came directly up to the principal performers in + this interesting scene, and found honest Pat Murphy holding the man by his + collar, while he was twisting and writhing to get released from the strong + and determined grasp of the athletic Hibernian. + </p> + <p> + Pat no sooner saw our Heroes, than he burst out with a lusty "Arroo! + arroo! there's the sweet-looking jontleman that's been robbed by a dirty + <i>spalpeen</i> that's not worth the tail of a rotten red-herring. I'll + give charge of dis here pick'd bladebone of a dead donkey that walks about + in God's own daylight, dirting his fingers wid what don't belong to him at + all at all. So sure as the devil's in his own house, and that's London, + you've had your pocket pick'd, my darling, and that's news well worth + hearing"—addressing himself to Dashall. + </p> + <p> + By this harangue it was pretty clearly understood that Murphy had been in + pursuit of the pickpocket, and Tom immediately gave charge. + </p> + <p> + The man, however, continued to declare he was not the right person—"That, + so help him G——d, the Irishman had got the wrong bull by the + tail—that he was a b——dy <i>snitch</i>{2} and that he + would <i>sarve him out</i>{3}—that he wished + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 <i>Brush</i>—Be off. + + 2 <i>Snitch</i>—A term made use of by the light-fingered tribe, + to signify an informer, by whom they have been impeached or + betrayed—So a person who turns king's evidence against his + accomplices is called a Snitch. + + 3 <i>Serve him out</i>—To punish, or be revenged upon any person + for any real or supposed injury. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[84]</span>he might meet him out of St. Giles's, and + he would <i>wake</i>{ 1} him with an <i>Irish howl</i>." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Wake with an Irish howl—An Irish Wake, which is no + unfrequent occurrence in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's + and Saffron Hill, is one of the most comically serious + ceremonies which can well be conceived, and certainly + baffles all powers of description. It is, however, + considered indispensable to wake the body of a de-ceased + native of the sister kingdom, which is, by a sort of mock + lying in state, to which all the friends, relatives, and + fellow countrymen and women, of the dead person, are + indiscriminately admitted; and among the low Irish this duty + is frequently performed in a cellar, upon which occasions + the motley group of assembled Hibernians would form a + subject for the pencil of the most able satirist. + + Upon one of these occasions, when Murtoch Mulrooney, who had + suffered the sentence of the law by the common hangman, for + a footpad robbery, an Englishman was induced by a friend of + the deceased to accompany him, and has left on record the + following account of his entertainment:— + + "When we had descended (says he) about a dozen steps, we + found ourselves in a subterraneous region, but fortunately + not uninhabited. On the right sat three old bawds, drinking + whiskey and smoking tobacco out of pipes about two inches + long, (by which means, I conceive, their noses had become + red,) and swearing and blasting between each puff. I was + immediately saluted by one of the most sober of the ladies, + and invited to take a glass of the enlivening nectar, and + led to the bed exactly opposite the door, where Murtoch was + laid out, and begged to pray for the repose of his precious + shoul. This, however, I declined, alleging that as the + parsons were paid for praying, it was their proper business. + At this moment a coarse female voice exclaimed, in a sort of + yell or Irish howl, 'Arrah! by Jasus, and why did you die, + honey?—Sure enough it was not for the want of milk, meal, + or tatoes.' + + "In a remote corner of the room, or rather cellar, sat three + draymen, five of his majesty's body guards, four sailors, + six haymakers, eight chairmen, and six evidence makers, + together with three bailiffs' followers, who came by turns + to view the body, and take a drop of the <i>cratur</i> to drink + repose to the shoul of their countryman; and to complete the + group, they were at-tended by the journeyman Jack Ketch. The + noise and confusion were almost stupefying—there were + praying—swearing—crying-howling—smoking—and drinking. + + "At the head of the bed where the remains of Murtoch were + laid, was the picture of the Virgin Mary on one side, and + that of St. Patrick on the other; and at the feet was + depicted the devil and some of his angels, with the blood + running down their backs, from the flagellations which they + had received from the disciples of Ketigern. Whether the + blue devils were flying around or not, I could not exactly + discover, but the whiskey and <i>blue ruin</i> were evidently + powerful in their effects. + + "One was swearing—a second counting his beads—a + third descanting on the good qualities of his departed + friend, and about to try those of the whiskey—a fourth + evacuating that load with which he had already overloaded + himself—a fifth, declaring he could carry a fare, hear + mass, knock down a member of parliament, murder a peace + officer, and after all receive a pension: and while the + priest was making an assignation with a sprightly female + sprig of Shelalah, another was jonteelly picking his pocket. + I had seen enough, and having no desire to continue in such + company, made my escape with as much speed as I could from + this animated group of persons, assembled as they were upon + so solemn an occasion." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[85]</span>With conversation of this kind, the party + were amused up St. Martin's lane, and on the remainder of the road to + Bow-street, followed by many persons, some of whom pretended to have seen + a part of the proceedings, and promised to give their evidence before the + magistrate, who was then sitting. + </p> + <p> + On arriving in Bow Street, they entered the Brown Bear,{1} a public-house, + much frequented by the officers, and in which is a strong-room for the + safe custody of prisoners, where they were shewn into a dark back-parlour, + as they termed it, and the officer proceeded to search the man in custody, + when lo and behold! the handkerchief was not to be found about him. + </p> + <p> + Pat d——d the devil and all his works—swore "by the fiery + furnace of Beelzebub, and that's the devil's own bed-chamber, that was the + man that nibbled the Jontleman's <i>dive</i>,{2} and must have <i>ding'd + away the wipe</i>,{3} or else what should he <i>bolt</i>{4} for?—that + he was up to the <i>rum slum</i>,{5} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A former landlord of the house facetiously christened it + the Russian Hotel, and had the words painted under the sign + of Bruin. + + 2 <i>Nibbled the Jontleman's dive</i>—Picked the gentleman's + pocket. + + 3 <i>Ding'd away the wipe</i>—Passed away the handkerchief to + another, to escape detection. This is a very common practice + in London: two or three in a party will be near, without + appearing to have the least knowledge of, or connexion with + each other, and the moment a depredation is committed by + one, he transfers the property to one of his pals, by whom + it is conveyed perhaps to the third, who decamps with it to + some receiver, who will immediately advance money upon it; + while, if any suspicion should fall upon the first, the + second will perhaps busy himself in his endeavours to secure + the offender, well knowing no proof of possession can be + brought against him. + + 4 <i>Bolt</i>—Run away; try to make an escape. + + 5 <i>Rum slum</i>—Gammon—queer talk or action, in which some + fraudulent intentions are discoverable or suspected. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[86]</span>and down upon the <i>kiddies</i>{1}—and + sure enough you're <i>boned,</i>{2} my dear boy." + </p> + <p> + Some of the officers came in, and appeared to know the prisoner well, as + if they had been acquainted with each other upon former official business; + but as the lost property was not found upon him, it was the general + opinion that nothing could be done, and the accused began to exercise his + wit upon Murphy, which roused Pat's blood: + </p> + <p> + "For the least thing, you know, makes an Irishman roar." + </p> + <p> + At length, upon charging him with having been caught <i>blue-pigeon + flying,</i>{3} Pat gave him the lie in his teeth—swore he'd fight + him for all the <i>blunt</i>{4} he had about him, "which to be sure," said + he, "is but a sweet pretty half-a-crown, and be d——d to you—good + luck to it! Here goes," throwing the half-crown upon the floor, which the + prisoner attempted to pick up, but was prevented by Pat's stamping his + foot upon it, while he was <i>doffing his jacket</i>,{5} exclaiming— + </p> + <p> + "Arrah, be after putting your dirty fingers in your pocket, and don't + spoil the King's picture by touching it—devil burn me, but I'll <i>mill + your mug to muffin dust</i>{6} before I'll give up that beautiful looking + bit; so tip us your mauley,{7} and no more blarney." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Down upon the Kiddies—To understand the arts and + manouvres of thieves and sharpers. + + 2 Boned—Taken or secured. + + s Blue pigeon flying—The practice of stealing lead from + houses, churches, or other buildings. A species of + depredation very prevalent in London and its vicinity, and + which is but too much encouraged by the readiness with which + it can be disposed of to the plumbers in general. + + 4 Blunt—A flash term for money. + + 5 Doffing his Jacket—Taking off his jacket. + + 6 Mill your mug to muffin dust—The peculiarity of the Irish + character for overstrained metaphor, may perhaps, in some + degree, account for the Hibernian's idea of beating his head + to flour, though he was afterwards inclined to commence his + operations in the true style and character of the prize + ring, where + + "Men shake hands before they box, Then give each other + plaguy knocks, With all the love and kindness of a brother." + + 7 Tip us your mauley—Give me your hand. Honour is so sacred + a thing with the Irish, that the rapid transition from a + violent expression to the point of honour, is no uncommon + thing amongst them; and in this instance it is quite clear + that although he meant to mill the mug of his opponent to + muffin dust, he had a notion of the thing, and intended to + do it in an honourable way. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[87]</span>During this conversation, the spectators, + who were numerous, were employed in endeavouring to pacify the indignant + Hibernian, who by this time had buffid it, or, in other words, <i>peeled + in prime twig</i>,{1} for a regular <i>turn to.</i>{2} All was noise and + confusion, when a new group of persons entered the room—another + capture had been made, and another charge given. It was however with some + difficulty that honest Pat Murphy was prevailed upon to remain a little + quiet, while one of the officers beckoned Dashall out of the room, and + gave him to understand that the man in custody, just brought in, was a + well-known <i>pal</i>{3} of the one first suspected, though they took not + the least notice of each other upon meeting. In the mean time, another + officer in the room had been searching the person of the last captured, + from whose bosom he drew the identical handkerchief of Bob; and the + Irishman recollected seeing him in the crowd opposite the Opera House. + </p> + <p> + This cleared up the mystery in some degree, though the two culprits + affected a total ignorance of each other. The property of the person who + had given the last charge was also discovered, and it was deemed + absolutely necessary to take them before the Magistrate. But as some new + incidents will arise on their introduction to the office, we shall reserve + them for the next Chapter. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Buff'd it, or peeled in prime twig—Stripped to the skin + in good order. The expressions are well known, and + frequently in use, among the sporting characters and lovers + of the fancy. + + 2 Turn to, or set to—The commencement of a battle. + + 3 Pal—A partner or confederate. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Houses, churches, mixt together, + Streets unpleasant in all weather; + Prisons, palaces contiguous, + Gates, a bridge—the Thames irriguous; + Gaudy things, enough to tempt ye, + Showy outsides, insides empty; + Bubbles, trades, mechanic arts, + Coaches, wheelbarrows, and carts; + Warrants, bailiffs, bills unpaid, + Lords of laundresses afraid; + Rogues, that nightly rob and shoot men, + Hangmen, aldermen, and footmen; + Lawyers, poets, priests, physicians, + Noble, simple, all conditions; + Worth beneath a thread-bare cover, + Villainy bedaubed all over; + Women, black, red, fair, and grey, + Prudes, and such as never pray; + Handsome, ugly, noisy still, + Some that will not, some that will; + Many a beau without a shilling, + Many a widow not unwilling; + Many a bargain, if you strike it:— + This is London—How d'ye like it? +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[88]</span>ON entering the Public Office, + Bow-street, we must leave our readers to guess at the surprise and + astonishment with which the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin beheld their + lost friend, Charles Sparkle, who it appeared had been kindly accommodated + with a lodging gratis in a neighbouring watch-house, not, as it may + readily be supposed, exactly suitable to his taste or inclination. Nor was + wonder less excited in the mind of Sparkle at this unexpected meeting, as + unlooked for as it was fortunate to all parties. There was however no + opportunity at the present moment for an explanation, as the worthy + Magistrate immediately proceeded to an investigation of the case just + brought before him, upon which there was no difficulty in deciding. The + charge was made, the handkerchief sworn to, and the men, who <span + class="pagenum">[89]</span>were well known as old hands upon the town, + committed for trial. The most remarkable feature in the examination being + the evidence of Pat Murphy, who by this time had recollected that the man + who was taken with the property about his person, was the very identical + aggressor who had offended him while the hod of mortar was on his + shoulder, before the conversation commenced between himself and Tom + opposite the Opera-house. + </p> + <p> + "Sure enough, your Honour," said he, "its a true bill. I'm an Irishman, + and I don't care who knows it—I don't fight under false colours, but + love the land of potatoes, and honour St. Patrick. That there man with the + <i>blue toggery</i>{1} tipp'd me a bit of blarney, what did not suit my + stomach. I dropp'd my load, which he took for an order to quit, and so <i>mizzled</i>{2} + out of my way, or by the big bull of Ballynafad, I'd have powdered his wig + with brick-dust, and bothered his bread-basket with a little human + kindness in the shape of an Irishman's fist; and then that there other + dirty end of a shelalah, while the Jontleman—long life to your + Honour, (bowing to Tom Dashall)—was houlding a bit of conversation + with Pat Murphy, <i>grabb'd</i>{3} his pocket-handkerchief, and was after + shewing a leg,{4} when a little boy that kept his oglers upon 'em, let me + into the secret, and let the cat out of the bag by bawling—Stop + thief! He darted off like a cow at the sound of the bagpipes, and I + boulted a'ter him like a good'un; so when I came up to him, Down you go, + says I, and down he was; and that's all I know about the matter." + </p> + <p> + As the prisoners were being taken out of court, the Hibernian followed + them. "Arrah," said he, "my lads, as I have procured you a lodging for + nothing, here's the half-a-crown, what the good-looking Jontleman gave me; + it may sarve you in time of need, so take it along with you, perhaps you + may want it more than I do; and if you know the pleasure of spending money + that is honestly come by, it may teach you a lesson that may keep you out + of the clutches of Jock Ketch, and save + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Blue toggery—Toggery is a flash term for clothing in + general, but is made use of to describe a blue coat. + + 2 Mizzled—Ran away. + + 3 Grabb'd—Took, or stole. + + 4 Shewing a leg—or, as it is sometimes called, giving leg- + bail—making the best use of legs to escape detection. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[90]</span>you from dying in a horse's night-cap{1}—there, + be off wid you." + </p> + <p> + The Hon. Tom Dashall, who had carefully watched the proceedings of Pat, + could not help moralizing upon this last act of the Irishman, and the + advice which accompanied it. "Here," said he to himself, "is a genuine + display of national character. Here is the heat, the fire, the + effervescence, blended with the generosity and open-heartedness, so much + boasted of by the sons of Erin, and so much eulogized by travellers who + have visited the Emerald Isle." And slipping a sovereign into his hand, + after the execution of a bond to prosecute the offenders, each of them + taking an arm of Sparkle, they passed down Bow-street, conversing on the + occurrences in which they had been engaged, of which the extraordinary + appearance of Sparkle was the most prominent and interesting. + </p> + <p> + "How in the name of wonder came you in such a scrape?" said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "Innocently enough, I can assure you," replied Sparkle—"with my + usual luck—a bit of gig, a lark, and a turn up.{2} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "... 'Twas waxing rather late, + And reeling bucks the street began to scour, + While guardian watchmen, with a tottering gait, + Cried every thing quite clear, except the hour." + + 1 Horse's night-cap—A halter. + + 2 A bit of gig—a lark—a turn up—are terms made use of to + signify a bit of fun of any kind, though the latter more + generally means a fight. Among the bucks and bloods of the + Metropolis, a bit of fun or a lark, as they term it, ending + in a milling match, a night's lodging in the watch-house, + and a composition with the Charleys in the morning, to avoid + exposure before the Magistrate, is a proof of high spirit—a + prime delight, and serves in many cases to stamp a man's + character. Some, however, who have not courage enough to + brave a street-row and its consequences, are fond of fun of + other kinds, heedless of the consequences to others. "Go it, + my boys," says one of the latter description, "keep it up, + huzza! I loves fun—for I made such a fool of my father last + April day:—but what do you think I did now, eh?—Ha! ha! + ha!—I will tell you what makes me laugh so: we were + keeping it up in prime twig, faith, so about four o'clock in + the morning 1 went down into the kitchen, and there was Dick + the waiter snoring like a pig before a blazing fire—done + up, for the fellow can't keep it up as we jolly boys do: So + thinks 1, I'll have you, my boy—and what does I do, but I + goes softly and takes the tongs, and gets a red hot coal as + big as my head, and plumpt it upon the fellow's foot and run + away, because I loves fun, you know: So it has lamed him, + and that makes me laugh so—Ha! ha! ha!—it was what I call + better than your <i>rappartees</i> and your <i>bobinâtes</i>. I'll + tell you more too: you must know I was in high tip-top + spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man—for I do + loves fun: so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that + made me laugh heartily: So says I to the blind man—Hallo, + Master, what a you a'ter, what is you up to? does you want + your dog?—Yes, Sir, says he. Now only you mark what I said + to the blind man—Then go and look for him, old chap, says + I—Ha! ha! ha!—that's your sort, my boy, keep it up, keep + it up, d—— me. That's the worst of it, I always turn + sick when I think of a Parson—I always do; and my brother + he is a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear: so + you know I always swear like a trooper when I am near him, + on purpose to roast him. I went to dine with him one day + last week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more + of what you call your modest women; but I sent 'em all from + the table, and then laugh'd at 'em, for I loves fun, and + that was fun alive 0. And so there was nobody in the room + but my brother and me, and I begun to swear most sweetly: I + never swore so well in all my life—I swore all my new + oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear; + till at last my brother looked frightened, and d—— me that + was good fun. At last, he lifted up his hands and eyes to + Heaven, and calls out <i>O tempora, O mores!</i> But I was not to + be done so. Oh! oh! Brother, says I, what you think to + frighten me by calling all your family about you; but I + don't care for you, nor your family neither—so stow it— + I'll mill the whole troop—Only bring your Tempora and Mores + here, that's all—let us have fair play, I'll tip 'em the + Gas in a flash of lightning—I'll box 'em for five pounds, + d—— me: here, where's Tempora and Mores, where are they? + My eyes, how he did stare when he see me ready for a set to— + I never laugh'd so in my life—he made but two steps out of + the room, and left me master of the field. What d'ye + think of that for a lark, eh?—Keep it up—keep it up, d—— + me, says I—so I sets down to the table, drank as much as I + could—then I mix'd the heel-taps all in one bottle, and + broke all the empty ones—then bid adieu to Tempora and + Mores, and rolled home in a hackney-coach in prime and + plummy order, d—— me." +</pre> + <p> + "Coming along Piccadilly last night after leaving you, I was overtaken at + the corner of Rupert-street by our old college-companion Harry Hartwell, + pursuing his way to the Hummums, where it seems he has taken up his abode. + Harry, you remember, never was exactly one of us; he studies too much, and + pores everlastingly over musty old volumes of Law Cases, Blackstone's + Commentaries, and other black books, to qualify himself for the black art, + and as fit and proper person to appear at the Bar. The length of time that + had elapsed since our last meeting was sufficient inducement for us to + crack a bottle together; <span class="pagenum">[92]</span>so taking his + arm, we proceeded to the place of destination, where we sat talking over + past times, and indulging our humour till half-past one o'clock, when I + sallied forth on my return to Long's, having altogether abandoned my + original intention of calling in Golden-square. At the corner of + Leicester-square, my ears were assailed with a little of the night music—the + rattles were in full chorus, and the Charleys, in prime twig,{1} were + mustering from all quarters. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page092.jpg" + alt="Page92 Tom and Bob Catching a Charley Napping " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "The street was all alive, and I made my way through the crowd to the + immediate scene of action, which was rendered peculiarly interesting by + the discovery of a dainty bit of female beauty shewing fight with half a + dozen watchmen, in order to extricate herself from the grasp of these + guardians of our peace. She was evidently under the influence of the + Bacchanalian god, which invigorated her arm, without imparting discretion + to her head, and she laid about her with such dexterity, that the old + files{2} were fearful of losing their prey; but the odds were fearfully + against her, and never did I feel my indignation more aroused, than when I + beheld a sturdy ruffian aim a desperate blow at her head with his rattle, + which in all probability, had it taken the intended effect, would have + sent her in search of that peace in the other world, of which she was + experiencing so little in this. It was not possible for me to stand by, an + idle spectator of the destruction of a female who appeared to have no + defender, whatever might be the nature of the offence alleged or + committed. I therefore warded off the blow with my left arm, and with my + right gave him a well-planted blow on the conk,{3} which sent him piping + into the kennel. In a moment I was surrounded and charged with a violent + assault upon the charley,{4} and interfering with the guardians of the + night in the execution of their duty. A complete diversion took place from + the original object of their fury, and in the bustle to secure me, the + unfortunate girl made her escape, where to, or how, heaven + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Prime twig—Any thing accomplished in good order, or with + dexterity: a person well dressed, or in high spirits, is + considered to be in prime twig. + + 2 Old Jiles—A person who has had a long course of + experience in the arts of fraud, so as to become an adept in + the manouvres of the town, is termed a deep file—a rum + file, or an old file. + + 3 Conk—The nose. + + 4 Charley—A watchman. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[93]</span>only knows. Upon finding this, I made no + resistance, but marched boldly along with the scouts{1} to St. Martin's + watch-house, where we arrived just as a hackney coach drew up to the door. + </p> + <p> + "Take her in, d——n her eyes, she shall <i>stump up the rubbish</i>{2} + before I leave her, or give me the address of her <i>flash covey</i>,{3} + and so here goes." By this time we had entered the watch-house, where I + perceived the awful representative of justice seated in an arm chair, with + a good blazing fire, smoking his pipe in consequential ease. A crowd of + Charleys, with broken lanterns, broken heads, and other symptoms of a row, + together with several casual spectators, had gained admittance, when + Jarvis entered, declaring—By G——he wouldn't be choused + by any wh——re or cull in Christendom, and he would make 'em + come down pretty handsomely, or he'd know the reason why: "And so please + your Worship, Sir"—then turning round, "hallo," said he, "Sam, + what's becom'd of that there voman—eh—vhat, you've been + playing booty eh, and let her escape." The man to whom this was intended + to be addressed did not appear to be present, as no reply was made. + However, the case was briefly explained. + </p> + <p> + "But, by G——, I von't put any thing in Sam's vay again," cried + Jarvey.{4} For my own part, as I knew nothing of the occurrences adverted + to, I was as much in the dark as if I had gone home without interruption. + The representations of the Charleys proved decisive against me—in + vain I urged the cause of humanity, and the necessity I felt of protecting + a defenceless female from the violence of accumulating numbers, and that I + had done no more than every man ought to have done upon such an occasion. + <i>Old puff and swill</i>, the lord of the night, declared that I must + have acted with malice afore-thought—that I was a pal in the + concern, and that I had been instrumental in the design of effecting a + rescue; and, after a very short deliberation, he concluded that I must be + a notorious rascal, and desired me to make up my mind to remain with him + for the remainder of the night. Not relishing this, I proposed to send for + bail, assuring him of my + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Scouts—Watchmen. + + 3 Stump up the rubbish—Meaning she (or he) shall pay, or + find money. + + 3 Flash covey—A fancy man, partner or protector + + 4 Jarvey—A coachman. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[94]</span>attendance in the morning; but was + informed it could not be accepted of, as it was clearly made out against + me that I had committed a violent breach of the peace, and nothing at that + time could be produced that would prove satisfactory. Under these + circumstances, and partly induced by a desire to avoid being troublesome + in other quarters, I submitted to a restraint which it appeared I could + not very well avoid, and, taking my seat in an arm-chair by the fire-side, + I soon fell fast asleep, from which I was only aroused by the occasional + entrances and exits of the guardians, until between four and five o'clock, + when a sort of general muster of the Charleys took place, and each one + depositing his nightly paraphernalia, proceeded to his own habitation. + Finding the liberation of others from their duties would not have the + effect of emancipating me from my confinement, which was likely to be + prolonged to eleven, or perhaps twelve o'clock, I began to feel my + situation as a truly uncomfortable one, when I was informed by the + watch-house keeper, who resides upon the spot, that he was going to <i>turn + in</i>,{1} that there was fire enough to last till his wife turn'd out, + which would be about six o'clock, and, as I had the appearance of a + gentleman, if there was any thing I wanted, she would endeavour to make + herself useful in obtaining it. "But Lord," said he, "there is no such + thing as believing any body now-a-days—there was such sets out, and + such manouvering, that nobody knew nothing of nobody." + </p> + <p> + "I am obliged to you, my friend," said I, "for this piece of information, + and in order that you may understand something of the person you are + speaking to beyond the mere exterior view, here is half-a-crown for your + communication." + </p> + <p> + "Why, Sir," said he, laying on at the same moment a shovel of coals, "this + here makes out what I said—Don't you see, said I, that 'are + Gentleman is a gentleman every inch of him, says I—as don't want + nothing at all no more nor what is right, and if so be as how he's got + himself in a bit of a hobble, I knows very well as how he's got the tip{2} + in his pocket, and does'nt want for spirit to pull it out—Perhaps + you might like some breakfast, sir?" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Turn in—Going to bed. This is a term most in use among + seafaring men. + + 2 Tip is synonymous with blunt, and means money. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[95]</span>"Why yes," said I—for I began to + feel a little inclined that way. + </p> + <p> + "O my wife, Sir," said he, "will do all you want, when she rouses + herself." + </p> + <p> + "I suppose," continued I, "you frequently have occasion to accommodate + persons in similar situations?" + </p> + <p> + "Lord bless you! yes, sir, and a strange set of rum customers we have too + sometimes—why it was but a few nights ago we had 'em stowed here as + thick as three in a bed. We had 'em all upon the <i>hop</i>{1}—you + never see'd such fun in all your life, and this here place was as full of + curiosities as Pidcock's at Exeter Change, or Bartlemy-fair—Show 'em + up here, all alive alive O!" + </p> + <p> + "Indeed!" said I, feeling a little inquisitive on the subject; "and how + did this happen?" + </p> + <p> + "Why it was a <i>rummish</i> piece of business altogether. There was a + large party of dancing fashionables all met together for a little jig in + St. Martin's lane, and a very pretty medley there was of them. The + fiddlers wagg'd their elbows, and the lads and lasses their trotters, till + about one o'clock, when, just as they were in the midst of a quadrille, in + burst the officers, and quickly changed the tune. The appearance of these + gentlemen had an instantaneous effect upon all parties present: the cause + of their visit was explained, and the whole squad taken into custody, to + give an account of themselves, and was brought here in hackney-coaches. + The delicate Miss and her assiduous partner, who, a short time before had + been all spirits and animation, were now sunk in gloomy reflections upon + the awkwardness of their situation; and many of our inhabitants would have + fainted when they were informed they would have to appear before the + Magistrate in the morning, but for the well-timed introduction of a little + drap of the <i>cratur</i>, which an Irish lady ax'd me to fetch for her. + But the best of the fun was, that in the group we had a Lord and a Parson! + For the dignity of the one, and the honour of the other, they were + admitted to bail—Lord have mercy upon us! said the Parson—Amen, + said the Lord; and this had the desired effect upon the Constable of the + night, for he let them off on the sly, you understand: But my eyes what + work there was in the morning! sixteen Jarveys, full of live lumber, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Hop—A dance. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[96]</span>were taken to Bow-street, in a nice + pickle you may be sure, dancing-pumps and silk-stockings, after setting in + the watch-house all night, and surrounded by lots of people that hooted + and howled, as the procession passed along, in good style. They were + safely landed at the Brown Bear, from which they were handed over in + groups to be examined by the Magistrate, when the men were discharged upon + giving satisfactory accounts, and the women after some questions being put + to them. You see all this took place because they were dancing in an + unlicensed room. It was altogether a laughable set-out as ever you see'd—the + Dandys and the Dandyzettes—the Exquisites—the Shopmen—the + Ladies' maid and the Prentice Boys—my Lord and his Reverence—mingled + up higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw, with Bow-street Officers, Runners + and Watchmen—Ladies squalling and fainting, Men swearing and almost + fighting. It would have been a pleasure to have kick'd up a row that + night, a purpose to get admission—you would have been highly amused, + I'll assure you—good morning, Sir." And thus saying, he turned the + lock upon me, and left me to my meditations. In about a couple of hours + the old woman made her appearance, and prepared me some coffee; and at + eleven o'clock came the Constable of the night, to accompany me before the + Magistrate. + </p> + <p> + "Aware that the circumstances were rather against me, and that I had no + right to interfere in other persons' business or quarrels, I consulted him + upon the best mode of making up the matter; for although I had really done + no more than becomes a man in protecting a female, I had certainly + infringed upon the law, in effecting the escape of a person in custody, + and consequently was liable to the penalty or penalties in such cases made + and provided. On our arrival at the Brown Bear, I was met by a + genteel-looking man, who delivered me a letter, and immediately + disappeared. Upon breaking the seal, I found its contents as follows: + </p> + <p> + Dear Sir, Although unknown to me, I have learned enough of your character + to pronounce you a trump, a prime cock, and nothing but a good one. I am + detained by John Doe and Richard Roe with their d——d <i>fieri + facias</i>, or I should be with you. However, I trust you will excuse the + liberty I take in requesting you will make use of the enclosed for the + purpose of shaking yourself out of the <span class="pagenum">[97]</span>hands + of the scouts and their pals. We shall have some opportunities of meeting, + when I will explain: in the mean time, believe me I am + </p> + <p> + Your's truly, + </p> + <p> + Tom. + </p> + <p> + "With this advice, so consonant with my own opinion, I immediately + complied; and having satisfied the broken-headed Charley, and paid all + expences incurred, I was induced to walk into the office merely to give a + look around me, when by a lucky chance I saw you enter. And thus you have + a full, true, and particular account of the peregrinations of your humble + servant." + </p> + <p> + Listening with close attention to this narrative of Sparkle's, all other + subjects had escaped observation, till they found themselves in the + Strand. + </p> + <p> + "Whither are we bound?" inquired Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + "On a voyage of discoveries," replied Dashall, "and we just wanted you to + act as pilot." + </p> + <p> + "What place is this?" inquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "That," continued Sparkle, "is Somerset-house. It is a fine old building; + it stands on the banks of the Thames, raised on piers and arches, and is + now appropriated to various public offices, and houses belonging to the + various offices of the Government." + </p> + <p> + "The terrace, which lies on the river, is very fine, and may be well + viewed from Waterloo Bridge. The front in the Strand, you perceive, has a + noble aspect, being composed of a rustic basement, supporting a Corinthian + order of columns crowned with an attic in the centre, and at the + extremities with a balustrade. The south front, which looks into the + court, is very elegant in its composition. + </p> + <p> + "The basement consists of nine large arches; and three in the centre open, + forming the principal entrance; and three at each end, filled with windows + of the Doric order, are adorned with pilasters, entablatures, and + pediments. On the key-stones of the nine arches are carved, in alto + relievo, nine colossal masks, representing the Ocean, and the eight main + Rivers of England, viz. <i>Thames, Humber, Mersey, Dee, Medway, Tweed, + Tyne, and Severn</i>, with appropriate emblems to denote their various + characters. + </p> + <p> + "Over the basement the Corinthian order consists of ten columns upon + pedestals, having their regular entablature. It comprehends two floors, + and the attic in the centre of the front extends over three + intercolomniations, and is divided into three parts by four colossal + statues placed on <span class="pagenum">[98]</span>the columns of the + order. It terminates with a group consisting of the arms of the British + empire, supported on one side by the Genius of England, and by Fame, + sounding the trumpet, on the other. These three open arches in the front + form the principal entrance to the whole of the structure, and lead to an + elegant vestibule decorated with Doric columns. + </p> + <p> + "The terrace, which fronts the Thames, is spacious, and commands a + beautiful view of part of the river, including Blackfriars, Waterloo, and + Westminster Bridges. It is reared on a grand rustic basement, having + thirty-two spacious arches. The arcade thus formed is judiciously relieved + by projections ornamented with rusticated columns, and the effect of the + whole of the terrace from the water is truly grand and noble. There is + however, at present, no admission for the public to it; but, in all + probability, it will be open to all when the edifice is completed, which + would form one of the finest promenades in the world, and prove to be one + of the first luxuries of the metropolis. + </p> + <p> + "That statue in the centre is a representation of our late King, George + the Third, with the Thames at his feet, pouring wealth and plenty from a + large Cornucopia. It is executed by Bacon, and has his characteristic cast + of expression. It is in a most ludicrous situation, being placed behind, + and on the brink of a deep area. + </p> + <p> + "In the vestibule are the rooms of the Royal Society, the Society of + Antiquarians, and the Royal Academy of Arts, all in a very grand and + beautiful style. Over the door of the Royal Academy is a bust of Michael + Angelo; and over the door leading to the Royal Society and Society of + Antiquarians, you will find the bust of Sir Isaac Newton. + </p> + <p> + "The Government-offices, to which this building is devoted, are objects of + great astonishment to strangers, being at once commodious and elegant, and + worthy the wealth of the nation to which they belong. The hall of the Navy + office is a fine room with two fronts, one facing the terrace and river, + and the other facing the court. On the right is the Stamp-office: it + consists of a multitude of apartments: the room in which the stamping is + executed is very interesting to the curious. On the left you see the + Pay-office of the Navy. + </p> + <p> + "The principal thing to attract notice in this edifice is <span + class="pagenum">[99]</span>the solidity and completeness of the + workmanship in the masonry, and indeed in every other part." + </p> + <p> + After taking a rather prolonged view of this elegant edifice, they again + sallied forth into the Strand, mingling with all the noise and bustle of a + crowded street, where by turns were to be discovered, justling each other, + parsons, lawyers, apothecaries, projectors, excisemen, organists, + picture-sellers, bear and monkey-leaders, fiddlers and bailiffs. The + barber and the chimney-sweeper were however always observed to be careful + in avoiding the touch of each other, as if contamination must be the + inevitable consequence. + </p> + <p> + "My dear fellow!" exclaimed a tall and well-dressed person, who dragged + the Honourable Tom Dashall on one side—"you are the very person I + wanted—I'm very glad to see you in town again—but I have not a + moment to spare—the blood-hounds are in pursuit—this term will + be ended in two days, then comes the long vacation—liberty without + hiring a horse—you understand—was devilishly afraid of being + nabb'd just now—should have been dished if I had—lend me five + shillings—come, make haste." + </p> + <p> + "Five shillings, Diddler, when am I to be paid? you remember—' When + I grow rich' was the reply." + </p> + <p> + "Know—yes, I know all about it—but no matter, I'm not going to + settle accounts just now, so don't detain me, I hate Debtor and Creditor. + Fine sport to-morrow, eh—shall be at the Ring—in cog.—take + no notice—disguised as a Quaker—Obadiah Lankloaks—d——d + large beaver hat, and hide my physog.—Lend me what silver you have, + and be quick about it, for I can't stay—thank you, you're a d——a + good fellow, Tom, a trump—shall now pop into a hack, and drive into + another county—thank ye—good day—by by." + </p> + <p> + During this harangue, while Tost was counting his silver, the ingenious + Mr. Diddler seized all he had, and whipping it speedily into his pocket, + in a few minutes was out of his sight. + </p> + <p> + Sparkle observing Dashall looking earnestly after Diddler, approached, and + giving him a lusty slap on the shoulder—"Ha! ha! ha!" exclaimed he, + "what are you done again?" + </p> + <p> + "I suppose so," said Dashall; "confound the fellow, he is always + borrowing: I never met him in my life but <span class="pagenum">[100]</span>he + had some immediate necessity or other to require a loan of a little + temporary supply, as he calls it." + </p> + <p> + "I wonder," said Sparkle, "that you are so ready to lend, after such + frequent experience—how much does he owe you?" + </p> + <p> + "Heaven only knows," continued Tom, "for I do not keep account against + him, I must even trust to his honour—so it is useless to stand here + losing our time—Come, let us forward." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart,", said Sparkle, "and with permission I propose a visit + to the Bonassus, a peep at St. Paul's, and a chop at Dolly's." + </p> + <p> + This proposition being highly approved of, they continued their walk along + the Strand, towards Temple Bar, and in a few minutes were attracted by the + appearance of men dressed in the garb of the Yeomen of the Guards, who + appeared active in the distribution of hand-bills, and surrounded a house + on the front of which appeared a long string of high and distinguished + names, as patrons and patronesses of the celebrated animal called the + Bonassus. Crossing the road in their approach to the door, Tallyho could + not help admiring the simple elegance of a shop-front belonging to a + grocer, whose name is Peck. + </p> + <p> + "Very handsome and tasty, indeed," replied Sparkle; "that combination of + marble and brass has a light and elegant effect: it has no appearance of + being laboured at. The inhabitant of the house I believe is a foreigner, I + think an Italian; but London boasts of some of the most elegant shops in + the world." And by this time they entered the opposite house. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "In London my life is a ring of delight, + In frolics I keep up the day and the night; + I snooze at the Hummums till twelve, perhaps later, + I rattle the bell, and I roar up the Waiter; + 'Your Honour,' says he, and he makes me a leg; + He brings me my tea, but I swallow an egg; + For tea in a morning's a slop I renounce, + So I down with a glass of good right cherry-bounce. + With—swearing, tearing—ranting, jaunting—slashing, + smashing—smacking, cracking—rumbling, tumbling + —laughing, quaffing—smoking, joking—swaggering, + Staggering: + So thoughtless, so knowing, so green and so mellow, + This, this is the life of a frolicsome fellow." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[101]</span>UPON entering the house, and depositing + their shilling each to view this newly discovered animal from the + Apalachian mountains of America, and being supplied with immense long + bills descriptive of his form and powers—"Come along (said Sparkle,) + let us have a look at the most wonderful production of nature—only + seventeen months old, five feet ten inches high, and one of the most + fashionable fellows in the metropolis." + </p> + <p> + "It should seem so," said Tallyho, "by the long list of friends and + visitors that are detailed in the commencement of the bill of fare." + </p> + <p> + "Perhaps," said Tom, "there are more Bon asses than one." + </p> + <p> + "Very likely (continued Sparkle;) but let me tell you the allusion in this + case does not apply, for this animal has nothing of the donkey about him, + and makes no noise, as you will infer from the following lines in the + Bill: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "As the Bonassus does not roar, + His fame is widely known, + For no dumb animal before + Has made such noise in town." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[102]</span>At this moment the barking of a dog + assailed their ears, and suspended the conversation. Passing onward to the + den of the Bonassus, they found a dark-featured gentleman of middling + stature, with his hair, whiskers, and ears, so bewhitened with powder as + to form a complete contrast with his complexion and a black silk + handkerchief which he wore round his neck, holding a large brown-coloured + dog by the collar, in order to prevent annoyance to the visitors. + </p> + <p> + "D——n the dog, (exclaimed he) although he is the best tempered + creature in the world, he don't seem to like the appearance of the + Bonassus "—and espying Sparkle, "Ha, my dear fellow! how are you?—I + have not seen you for a long while." + </p> + <p> + "Why, Sir D—n—ll, I am happy to say I never was better in my + life—allow me to introduce you to my two friends, the Hon. Mr. + Dashall, and Robert Tallyho—Sir D—n—ll Harlequin." + </p> + <p> + The mutual accompaniments of such an introduction having passed among + them, the Knight, who was upon the moment of departure as they entered, + expressed his approbation of the animal he had been viewing, and, lugging + his puppy by one hand, and his cudgel in the other, wished them a good + morning. + </p> + <p> + "There is an eccentric man of Title," continued Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + "I should judge," said Bob, "there was a considerable portion of + eccentricity about him, by his appearance. Is he a Baronet?" + </p> + <p> + "A Baronet," (replied Sparkle) "no, no, he is no other than a <i>Quack + Doctor</i>."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Of all the subjects that afford opportunities for the + satiric pen in the Metropolis, perhaps there is none more + abundant or prolific than that of Quackery. Dr. Johnson + observes, that "<i>cheats can seldom stand long against + laughter</i>." But if a judgment is really to be formed from + existing facts, it may be supposed that times are so + materially changed since the residence of that able writer + in this sublunary sphere, that the reverse of the position + may with greater propriety be asserted. For such is the + prevailing practice of the present day, that, according to + the opinion of thousands, there is nothing to be done + without a vast deal more of profession and pretence than + actual power, and he who is the best able to bear laughing + at, is the most likely to realize the hopes he entertains of + obtaining celebrity, and of having his labours crowned with + success. Nothing can be more evident than this in the + Medical profession, though there are successful Quacks of + all kinds, and in all situations, to be found in London. + This may truly be called the age of Quackery, from the + abundance of impostors of every kind that prey upon society; + and such as cannot or will not think for themselves, ought + to be guarded in a publication of this nature, against the + fraudulent acts of those persons who make it their business + and profit to deteriorate the health, morals, and amusements + of the public. But, in the present instance, we are speaking + of the Medical Quack only, than which perhaps there is none + more remarkable. + + The race of Bossys, Brodrums, Solomons, Perkins, Chamants, + &c. is filled by others of equal notoriety, and no doubt of + equal utility. The Cerfs, the Curries, the Lamerts, the + Ruspinis, the Coopers, and Munroes, are all equally entitled + to public approbation, particularly if we may credit the + letters from the various persons who authenticate the + miraculous cures they have performed in the most inveterate, + we hail almost said, the most impossible, cases. If those + persons are really in existence (and who can doubt it?) they + certainly have occasion to be thankful for their escapes, + and we congratulate them; for in our estimation Quack + Doctors seem to consider the human frame merely as a subject + for experiments, which if successful will secure the + reputation of the practitioner. The acquisition of fame and + fortune is, in the estimation of these philosophers, cheaply + purchased by sacrificing the lives of a few of the vulgar, + to whom they prescribe gratis; and the slavish obedience of + some patients to the Doctor, is really astonishing. It is + said that a convalescent at Bath wrote to his Physician in + London, to know whether he might eat sauce with his pork; + but we have not been able to discover whether he expected an + answer gratis; that would perhaps have been an experiment + not altogether grateful to the Doctor's feelings. + + The practice of advertising and billing the town has become + so common, that a man scarcely opens a coal-shed, or a + potatoe-stall, without giving due notice of it in the + newspapers, and distributing hand-bills: and frequently with + great success. But our Doctors, who make no show of their + commodities, have no mode of making themselves known without + it. Hence the quantity of bills thrust into the hand of the + passenger through the streets of London, which divulge the + almost incredible performances of their publishers. A high- + sounding name, such as The Chevalier de diamant, the + Chevalier de Ruspini, or The Medical Board, well bored behind + and before, are perhaps more necessary, with a few paper + puffs—as "palpable hits, my Lord," than either skill or + practice, to obtain notice and secure fame. + + The Chevalier de Chamant, who was originally a box-maker, + and a man of genius, considering box-making a plebeian + occupation, was for deducing a logical position, not exactly + perhaps by fair argument, but at all events through the + teeth, and was determined, although he could not, like Dr. + Pangloss, mend the cacology of his friends, at least to give + them an opportunity for plenty of jaw-work. With this + laudable object in view, he obtained a patent for making + artificial teeth of mineral paste; and in his advertisements + condescended not to prove their utility as substitutes for + the real teeth, when decayed or wanting, (this was beneath + his notice, and would have been a piece of mere plebeian + Quackery unworthy of his great genius,) but absolutely + assured the world that his mineral teeth were infinitely + superior to any production of nature, both for mastication + and beauty! How this was relished we know not; but he + declared (and he certainly ought to know) that none but + silly and timid persons would hesitate for one moment to + have their teeth drawn, and substitute his minerals: and it + is wonderful to relate, that although his charges were + enormous, and the operation (as may be supposed) not the + most pleasant, yet people could not resist the ingenious + Chevalier's fascinating and drawing puffs; in consequence of + which he soon became possessed of a large surplus of + capital, with which he determined to speculate in the Funds. + + For this purpose he employed old Tom Bish, the Stockbroker, + to purchase stock for the amount; but owing to a sudden + fluctuation in the market, a considerable depreciation took + place between the time of purchase and that of payment; a + circumstance which made the Chevalier grin and show his + teeth: Determining however, not to become a victim to the + fangs of Bulls and Bears, but rather to dive like a duck, he + declared the bargain was not legal, and that he would not be + bound by it. Bish upon this occasion proved a hard-mouthed + customer to the man of teeth, and was not a quiet subject to + be drawn, but brought an action against the mineral monger, + and recovered the debt. Tom's counsel, in stating the case, + observed, that the Defendant would find the law could bite + sharper aud hold tighter than any teeth he could make; and + so it turned out. + + The Chevalier de R—sp—ni is another character who has cut + no small figure in this line, but has recently made his + appearance in the Gazette, not exactly on so happy an + occasion as such a circumstance would be to his brother + chip, Dr. D—n—ll, now (we suppose) Sir Francis—though + perhaps equally entitled to the honour of knighthood. The + Chevalier has for some years looked Royalty in the face by + residing opposite Carlton House, and taken every precaution + to let the public know that such an important public + character was there to be found, by displaying his name as + conspicuously as possible on brass plates, &c. so that the + visitors to Carlton House could hardly fail to notice him as + the second greatest Character of that great neighbourhood. + But what could induce so great a man to sport his figure in + the Gazette, is as unaccountable as the means by which he + obtained such happy celebrity. Had it occurred immediately + after the war, it might have been concluded without much + stretch of imagination, that the Chevalier, who prides + himself on his intimacy with all the great men of the day, + had, through the friendship of the Duke of Wellington, made + a contract for the teeth and jaw-bones of all who fell at + the battle of Waterloo, and that by bringing to market so + great a stock at one time, the article had fallen in value, + and left the speculating Chevalier so great a loser as to + cause his bankruptcy. Whether such is the real cause or not, + it is difficult to ascertain what could induce the Chevalier + to descend from his dealings with the head to dabble with + lower commodities. + + Among other modes of obtaining notoriety, usually resorted + to by Empirics, the Chevalier used to job a very genteel + carriage and pair, but his management was so excellent, that + the expenses of his equipage were very trifling; for as it + was not intended to run, but merely to stand at the door + like a barker at a broker's shop, or a direction-post, he + had the loan on very moderate terms, the job-master taking + into account that the wind of the cattle was not likely to + be injured, or the wheels rattled to pieces by velocity, or + smashed by any violent concussion. + + The Chevalier had a Son, who unfortunately was not endowed + by nature with so much ambition or information as his + father; for, frequently when the carriage has been standing + at the door, he has been seen drinking gin most cordially + with Coachee, without once thinking of the evils of example, + or recollecting that he was one of the family. Papa used to + be very angry on these occasions, because, as he said, it + was letting people know that Coachee was only hired as &job, + and not as a family domestic. + + For the great benefit and advantage of the community, + Medical Boards have recently been announced in various parts + of the Metropolis, where, according to the assertions of the + Principals, in their advertisements, every disease incident + to human nature is treated by men of skilful practice; and + among these truly useful establishments, those of Drs. + Cooper, Munro, and Co. of Charlotte house, Blackfriars, and + Woodstock-house, Oxford-road, are not the least conspicuous. + Who these worthies are, it is perhaps difficult to + ascertain. One thing however is certain, that Sir + F——s C——e D—n—ll, M.D. is announced as Treasurer, + therefore there can be no doubt but that all is fair above + board, for + + "Brutus is an honourable man, + So are they all—all honourable men." + + And where so much skill derived from experience is + exercised, it cannot be doubted but great and important + benefits may result to a liberal and enlightened people. Of + the establishment itself we are informed by a friend, that + having occasion to call on the Treasurer, upon some + business, the door was opened by a copper-coloured servant, + a good-looking young Indian—not a fuscus Hydaspes, but a + serving man of good appearance, who ushered him up stairs, + and introduced him to the front room on the first floor, + where all was quackery, bronze and brass, an electrical + machine, images, pictures and diplomas framed and glazed, + and a table covered with books and papers. In a short time, + a person of very imposing appearance entered the room, with + his hair profusely powdered, and his person, from his chin + to his toes, enveloped in a sort of plaid roquelaure, who, + apologizing for the absence of the Doctor, began to assure + him of his being in the entire confidence of the Board, and + in all probability would have proceeded to the operation of + feeling the pulse in a very short time, had not the visitor + discovered in the features of this disciple of Esculapius a + person he had known in former times. 'Why, good God!' + cried he, 'is that you?—What have you done with the Magic- + lantern, and the Lecture on Heads?—am I right, or am I in + fairy-land?' calling him by his name. It was in vain to + hesitate, it was impossible to escape, the discovery was + complete. It was plain however that the dealer in magical + delusions had not altogether given up the art of + legerdemain, which, perhaps, he finds the most profitable of + the two. + + Of the worthy Knight himself, (and perhaps the Coopers and + Munros have been consumed by the electrical fluid of their + own Board) much might be said. He is the inventor of a life- + preserver, with which it may be fairly presumed he has + effected valuable services to his country by the + preservation of Royalty, as a proof of deserving the honour + he has obtained. He is patriotic and independent, masonic + and benevolent, a great admirer of fancy horses and fancy + ladies, a curer of incurables, and has recently published + one of the most extraordinary Memoirs that has ever been + laid before the public, embellished with two portraits: + which of the two is most interesting must be left to the + discrimination of those who view them. It must however be + acknowledged, that after reading the following extract, + ingratitude is not yet eradicated from our nature, since, + notwithstanding he has obtained the dignified appellation of + Sir Francis, the Gazette says, that "in future no improper + person shall be admitted to the honour of knighthood, in + consequence of two surreptitious presentations lately"—the + one an M.D. the other F.R.C. Surgeons, particularly if it + were possible that this Gentleman may be one of the persons + alluded to. For, what says the Memoir? + + "The utility of Sir Francis's invention being thus fully + established, and its ingenuity universally admired, it + excited the interest of the first characters among the + nobility, and an introduction to Court was repeatedly + offered to Sir Francis on this account. After a previous + communication with one of the Royal Family, and also with + the Secretary of State, on the 14th June last, he had the + honour of being presented to His Majesty, who, justly + appreciating the merit of the discovery, was pleased to + confer upon him the honour of knighthood. + + "Thus it is pleasing, in the distribution of honours by the + hand of the Sovereign, to mark where they are conferred on + real merit. This is the true intention of their origin; but + it has been too often departed from, and they have been + given where no other title existed than being the friend of + those who had influence to gain the Royal ear. From the + above statement, it will be seen this honour was conferred + on Sir Francis by his Majesty for an invention, which has + saved since its discovery the lives of many hundreds, and + which may be considered as having given the original idea to + the similar inventions that have been attempted since that + time. Its utility and importance we have also seen + acknowledged and rewarded by the two leading Societies in + this country, and perhaps in Europe, viz. the Royal Humane, + and the Society of Arts. The Sovereign therefore was only + recognizing merit which had been previously established; and + the honour of knighthood, to the credit of the individual, + was conferred by his Majesty in the most liberal and + handsome manner, without any other influence being used by + Sir Francis than simply preferring the claim." + + Thus the subject of Knighthood is to be nursed; and as the + Doctor and the Nurse are generally to be recognized + together, no one can read this part of the Memoir without + exclaiming—Well done, Nussey. But why not Gazetted, after + this liberal and hand-some manner of being rewarded? or why + an allusion to two surreptitious presentations, the names of + which two persons, so pointedly omitted, cannot well be + misunderstood? This is but doing things by halves, though no + such an observation can be applied to the proceedings of + Charlotte-house, where Cooper, Munro, and Co. (being well + explained) means two or three persons, viz. a black, a white + man, and a mahogany-coloured Knight—a barber by trade, and + a skinner by company—a dealer in mercurials—a puff by + practice and an advertiser well versed in all the arts of + his prototype—a practitioner in panygyric—the puff direct— + the puff preliminary—the puff collateral—the puff + collusive—and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. + Whether this will apply to Sir Charles Althis or not, is + perhaps not so easy to ascertain; but as birds of a feather + like to flock together, so these medical Knights in + misfortune deserve to be noticed in the same column, + although the one is said to be a Shaver, and the other a + Quaker. It seems they have both been moved by the same + spirit, and both follow (a good way off) the profession of + medicine. + + Among the various improvements of these improving times, for + we are still improving, notwithstanding complaint, a learned + little Devil, inflated with gas, has suggested a plan for + the establishment of a Medical Assurance-office, where + person and property might be insured at so much per annum, + and the advantages to be derived from such an Institution + would be, that instead of the insurance increasing with + years, it would grow less and less. How many thousand + grateful patients would it relieve annually! but we fear it + would be a daily source of sorrow to these knightly + medicals, and would by them be considered a devilish hard + case. +</pre> + <p> + But hush, here is other company, and I will give you an account of him as + we go along." + </p> + <p> + They now attended the Keeper, who explained the age, height, weight, + species, size, power, and propensities of the animal, and then departed on + their road towards Temple Bar,—on passing through which, they were + overtaken again by Sir Francis, in a gig drawn by a dun-coloured horse, + with his puppy between his legs, and a servant by his side, and + immediately renewed the previous conversation. + </p> + <p> + "There he goes again," said Sparkle, "and a rare fellow he is too." + </p> + <p> + "I should think so," said Bob; "he must have quacked to some good purpose, + to obtain the honour of knighthood." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[108]</span>"Not positively that," continued + Sparkle; "for to obtain and to deserve are not synonymous, and, if report + say true, there is not much honour attached to his obtaining it. + </p> + <p> + "——In the modesty of fearful duty, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I read as much as from the rattling tongue + Of saucy and audacious eloquence: + Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity, + At least speak most to my capacity." +</pre> + <p> + And, according to my humble conception, he who talks much about himself, + or pays others to talk or write about him, is generally most likely to be + least deserving of public patronage; for if a man possesses real and + evident abilities in any line of profession, the public will not be long + in making a discovery of its existence, and the bounty, as is most usually + the case, would quickly follow upon the heels of approbation. But many a + meritorious man in the Metropolis is pining away his miserable existence, + too proud to beg, and too honest to steal, while others, with scarcely + more brains than a sparrow, by persevering in a determination to leave no + stone unturned to make themselves appear ridiculous, as a first step to + popularity; and having once excited attention, even though it is merely to + be laughed at by the thinking part of mankind, he finds it no great + difficulty to draw the money out of their pockets while their eyes are + riveted on a contemplation of his person or conduct. And there are not + wanting instances of effrontery that have elevated men of little or no + capacity to dignified situations. If report say true, the present + Secretary of the Admiralty, who is admirable for his poetry also, was + originally a hair-dresser, residing somewhere in Blackfriar's or + Westminster-road; but then you must recollect he was a man who knew it was + useless to lose a single opportunity; and probably such has been the case + with Sir Daniel Harlequin, who, from keeping a small shop in Wapping, + making a blaze upon the water about his Life-preserver, marrying a wife + with a red face and a full pocket, retired to a small cottage at Mile End, + and afterwards establishing a Medical Board, has got himself dubbed a + Knight. To be sure he has had a deal of puffing and blowing work to get + through in his progress, which probably accounts for his black looks, not + a little increased by the quantity of powder he wears. But what have we + here?" finding the bustle of the streets considerably increased after + passing Temple Bar. + </p> + <p> + "Some political Bookseller or other, in all probability," said Tom—"I'll + step forward and see." And in passing through the numerous body of persons + that crowded on every side, the whole party was separated. Bob, who had + hung a little back while his two friends rushed forward, was lingering + near the corner of the Temple: he was beckoned by a man across the way, to + whom he immediately went. + </p> + <p> + "Do you happen to want a piece of fine India silk handkerchiefs, Sir? I + have some in my pocket that I can recommend and sell cheap—for money + must be had; but only keep it to yourself, because they are smuggled + goods, of the best quality and richest pattern." During this opening + speech, he was endeavouring to draw Tallyho under the archway of + Bell-yard, when Sparkle espying him, ran across to him, and taking him by + the arm—"Come along (said he;) and if you don't take yourself off + instantly, I'll put you in custody," shaking his stick at the other. + </p> + <p> + All this was like Hebrew to Bob, who, for his part, really conceived the + poor fellow, as he termed him, might be in want of money, and compelled to + dispose of his article for subsistence. + </p> + <p> + "Ha, ha, ha," cried Sparkle, "I see you know nothing about them: these are + the locusts of the town." At this moment they were joined by the Hon. Tom + Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "Egad!" continued Sparkle, "I just saved your Cousin from being trepanned, + and sent for a soldier." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho appeared all amazement. + </p> + <p> + "What," cried Tom, "in the wars of Venus then, I suppose I know he has a + fancy for astronomy, and probably he was desirous of taking a peep into + Shire-lane, where he might easily find the Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars." + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! ha!" replied Sparkle, "not exactly so; but I rescued him from the + hands of a Buffer,{1} who would + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Buffers miscalled Duffers—Persons who adopt a species of + swindling which is rather difficult of detection, though it + is daily practised in London. The term Buffer takes its + derivation from a custom which at one time prevailed of + carrying Bandanas, sarsnets, French stockings, and silk of + various kinds, next the shirts of the sellers; so that upon + making a sale, they were obliged to undress in order to come + at the goods, or in other words, to strip to the skin, or + buff it; by which means they obtained the title of Buffers. + This trade (if it may be so termed) is carried on in a + genteel manner. The parties go about from house to house, + and attend public-houses, inns, and fairs, pretending to + sell smuggled goods, such as those already mentioned; and by + offering their goods for sale, they are enabled by practice + to discover the proper objects for their arts. + + Buffers, or Duffers, who are not rogues in the strict sense + of the word, only offer to sell their goods to the best + advantage, and by this means evade the detection of the + police, but are equally subversive or destructive of common + honesty under a cloak or disguise; for if they can persuade + any person that the article offered is actually better or + cheaper than any other person's, they are doing no more than + every tradesman does; but then as they pay no rent or taxes + to the State, the principal objection to them lies in the + mode of operation, and an overstrained recommendation of + their goods, which are always, according to their account, + of the most superior quality; and they have a peculiar + facility of discovering the novice or the silly, to whom + walking up with a serious countenance and interesting air, + they broach the pleasing intelligence, that they have on + sale an excellent article well worth their attention, giving + a caution at the same time, that honour and secrecy must be + implicitly observed, or it may lead to unpleasantness to + both parties. By these means persons from the country are + frequently enticed into public-houses to look at their + goods; and if they do not succeed in one way, they are + almost sure in another, by having an accomplice, who will + not fail to praise the articles for sale, and propose some + gambling scheme, by which the party is plundered of his + money by passing forged Bank-notes, base silver or copper, + in the course of their dealings. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[110]</span>doubtless have fleeced him in good + style, if he could only have induced him to attend to his story." + </p> + <p> + "The mob you see collected there," said the Hon. Tom Dashalll, "is + attracted by two circumstances—Money's new Coronation Crop, just + lanched—and a broken image of a Highlander, at the door of a + snuff-shop; each of them truly important and interesting of course, the + elevation of one man, and the destruction of another. The poor Scotchman + seems dreadfully bruised, and I suppose is now under the Doctor's hands, + for he has two or three plasters on his face." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," continued Sparkle, "he has been out on a spree,{1} had a bit of a + turn-up, and been knock'd down." + </p> + <p> + Upon hearing this conversation, Tallyho could not help inquiring into the + particulars. + </p> + <p> + "Why the facts are simply as follows," continued + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Spree—A bit of fun, or a frolicsome lark. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[111]</span>Sparkle—"in London, as you + perceive, tradesmen are in the habit of exhibiting signs of the business + or profession in which they are engaged. The Pawnbroker decorates his door + with three gold balls—the Barber, in some places, (though it is a + practice almost out of date) hangs out a long pole—the Gold-beater, + an arm with a hammer in the act of striking—the Chemist, a head of + Glauber, or Esculapius—the Tobacconist, a roll of tobacco, and of + late it has become customary for these venders of pulverised atoms called + snuff, to station a wooden figure of a Highlander, in the act of taking a + pinch of Hardham's, or High-dried, as a sort of inviting introduction to + their counters; and a few nights back, a Scotchman, returning from his + enjoyments at a neighbouring tavern, stopped to have a little friendly + chat with this gentleman's Highlander, and by some means or other, I + suppose, a quarrel ensued, upon which the animated young Scotchman took + advantage of his countryman—floored him, broke both his arms, and + otherwise did him considerable bodily injury, the effects of which are + still visible; and Johnny Bull, who is fond of a little gape-seed, is + endeavouring to console him under his sufferings." + </p> + <p> + "Very kind of him, indeed," replied Bob. + </p> + <p> + "At any rate," said Tom, "the Tobacconist will have occasion to be + grateful to the Highlander{1} for some portion of his popularity." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It is matter of astonishment to some, but not less true, + that many tradesmen in the Metropolis have to ascribe both + fame and fortune to adventitious circumstances. It is said + that Hardham, of Fleet Street, had to thank the celebrated + Comedian, Foote, who, in one of his popular characters, + introducing his snuffbox, offered a pinch to the person he + was in conversation with on the stage, who spoke well of it, + and inquired where he obtained it?—"Why, at Hardham's, to + be sure." And to this apparently trifling circumstance, + Hardham was indebted for his fortune. + + The importance of a Highlander to a snuff-shop will appear + by a perusal of the following fact:— + + A very respectable young man, a Clerk in the office of an + eminent Solicitor, was recently brought before Mr. Alderman + Atkins, upon the charge of being disorderly. The prisoner, + it seemed, on his return home from a social party, where he + had been sacrificing rather too freely to the jolly god, was + struck with the appearance of a showy wooden figure of a + Highlander, at the door of Mr. Micklan's snuff-shop, No. 12, + Fleet Street. The young Attorney, who is himself a + Scotchman, must needs claim acquaintance with his + countryman. He chucked him familiarly under the chin, called + him a very pretty fellow, and, in the vehemence of his + affection, embraced him with so much violence, as to force + him from his station. Mr. Micklan ran to the assistance of + his servant, and in the scuffle the unfortunate Highlander + had both his arms dislocated, the frill that adorned his + neck damaged, besides other personal injuries, which his + living countryman not being in the humour to atone for, Mr. + Micklau gave him in charge to the watchman. Before the + Magistrate in the morning, the young man appeared heartily + sick of his folly, and perfectly willing to make every + reparation, but complained of the excessive demand, which he + stated to be no less than thirteen guineas. Mr. Micklan + produced the remains of the unfortunate Highlander, who + excited a compound fracture of both arms, with a mutilation + of three or four fingers, and such other bodily wounds, as + to render his perfect recovery, so as to resume his + functions at Mr. Micklan's door, altogether hopeless. The + Highlander, the complainant stated, cost him thirteen + guineas, and was entirely new. The sum might seem large for + the young gentleman to pay for such a frolic, but it would + not compensate him for the injury he should sustain by the + absence of the figure; for, however strange it might appear, + he did not hesitate to say, that without it he should not + have more than half his business. Since he had stationed it + at his door, he had taken on an average thirty shillings a + day more than he had done previous to exhibiting his + attractions. + + There being no proof of a breach of the peace, Mr. Alderman + Atkins advised the gentleman to settle the matter upon the + best terms he could. They withdrew together, and on their + return the complainant reported that the gentleman had + agreed to take the figure, and furnish him with a new one. + + Mr. Alderman Atkins, in discharging the prisoner, + recommended to him to get the figure repaired, and make a + niche for him in his office, where, by using it as a proper + memorial, it would probably save him more than it cost him. + + The broken figure has since been exhibited in his old + station, and excited considerable notice; but we apprehend + he is not yet able to afford all the attractions of his + occupation, for he has formerly been seen inviting his + friends to a pinch of snuff gratis, by holding a box + actually containing that recreating powder in his hand, in + the most obliging and condescending manner—a mark of + politeness and good breeding well worthy of respectful + attention. +</pre> + <p> + "Come," said Sparkle, "we are now in one of the principal thoroughfares of + the Metropolis, Fleet Street, of which you have already heard much, and is + at all times thronged with multitudes of active and industrious persons, + in pursuit of their various avocations, like a hive of bees, and keeping + up, like them, a ceaseless hum. Nor is it less a scene of Real Life worth + viewing, than the more refined haunts of the noble, the rich, and the + great, many of whom leave their splendid habitations in the West in the + morning, to attend the money-getting, <span class="pagenum">[113]</span>commercial + men of the City, and transact their business.—The dashing young + spendthrift, to borrow at any interest; and the more prudent, to buy or to + sell. The plodding tradesman, the ingenious mechanic, are exhausting their + time in endeavours to realize property, perhaps to be left for the benefit + of a Son, who as ardently sets about, after his Father's decease, to get + rid of it—nay, perhaps, pants for an opportunity of doing this + before he can take possession; for the young Citizen, having lived just + long enough to conceive himself superior to his father, in violation of + filial duty and natural authority, affects an aversion to every thing that + is not novel, expensive, and singular. He is a lad of high spirit; he + calls the city a poor dull prison, in which he cannot bear to be confined; + and though he may not intend to mount his nag, stiffens his cravat, + whistles a sonata, to which his whip applied to the boot forms an + accompaniment; while his spurs wage war with the flounces of a + fashionably-dressed belle, or come occasionally in painful contact with + the full-stretched stockings of a gouty old gentleman; by all which he + fancies he is keeping" up the dignity and importance of his character. He + does not slip the white kid glove from his hand without convincing the + spectator that; his hand is the whiter skin; nor twist his fingers for the + introduction of a pinch of Maccaba, without displaying to the best + advantage his beautifully chased ring and elegantly painted snuff-box lid; + nor can the hour of the day be ascertained without discovering his + engine-turned repeater, and hearing its fascinating music: then the + fanciful chain, the precious stones in golden robes, and last of all, the + family pride described in true heraldic taste and naïveté. Of Peter + Pindar's opinion, that + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Care to our coffin adds a nail, + But every grin so merry draws one out," +</pre> + <p> + he thinks it an admirable piece of politeness and true breeding to give + correct specimens of the turkey or the goose in the serious scenes of a + dramatic representation, or while witnessing her Ladyship's confusion in a + crowd of carriages combating for precedence in order to obtain an early + appearance at Court. Reading he considers quite a bore, but attends the + reading-room, which he enters, not to know what is worth reading and add a + little knowledge to his slender stock from the labours and experience of + <span class="pagenum">[114]</span>men of letters—no, but to quiz the + cognoscenti, and throw the incense over its learned atmosphere from his + strongly perfumed cambric handkerchief, which also implies what is most in + use for the indulgence of one of the five senses. When he enters a + coffee-room, it is not for the purpose of meeting an old friend, and to + enjoy with him a little rational conversation over his viands, but to ask + for every newspaper, and throw them aside without looking at them—to + call the Waiter loudly by his name, and shew his authority—to + contradict an unknown speaker who is in debate with others, and declare, + upon the honour of a gentleman and the veracity of a scholar, that Pope + never understood Greek, nor translated Homer with tolerable justice. He + considers it a high privilege to meet a celebrated pugilist at an + appointed place, to floor him for a quid,{1} a fall, and a high delight to + talk of it afterwards for the edification of his friends—to pick up + a Cyprian at mid-day—to stare modest women out of countenance—to + bluster at a hackney-coachman—or to upset a waterman in the river, + in order to gain the fame of a Leander, and prove himself a Hero. + </p> + <p> + "He rejects all his father's proposed arrangements for his domestic + comforts and matrimonial alliance. He wanders in his own capricious fancy, + like a fly in summer, over the fields of feminine beauty and loveliness; + yet he declares there is so much versatility and instability about the + fair sex, that they are unworthy his professions of regard; and, perhaps, + in his whole composition, there is nothing deserving of serious notice but + his good-nature. Thus you have a short sketch of a young Citizen." + </p> + <p> + "Upon my word, friend Sparkle, you are an admirable delineator of + Society," said Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "My drawings are made from nature," continued Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + "Aye, and very naturally executed too," replied Tom. Having kept walking + on towards St. Paul's, they were by this time near the end of Shoe Lane, + at the corner of which sat an elderly woman with a basket of mackerel for + sale; and as they approached they saw several persons rush from thence + into the main street in evident alarm. + </p> + <p> + "Come up, d——n your eyes," said an ill-favoured fellow with an + immense cudgel in his fist, driving an ass laden + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Quid—A. Guinea. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[115]</span>with brick-dust, with which he was + belabouring him most unmercifully. The poor beast, with an endeavour to + escape if possible the cudgelling which awaited him, made a sudden turn + round the post, rubbing his side against it as he went along, and thereby + relieving himself of his load, which he safely deposited, with a cloud of + brick-dust that almost blinded the old woman and those who were near her, + in the basket of fish. Neddy then made the best of his way towards + Fleet-market, and an over-drove bullock, which had terrified many persons, + issued almost at the same moment from Shoe Lane, and took the direction + for Temple-bar. The whistling, the hooting, the hallooing, and the running + of the drovers in pursuit—men, women, and children, scampering to + get out of the way of the infuriated beast—the noise and rattling of + carriages, the lamentations of the poor fish-fag, and the vociferations of + the donkey-driver to recover his neddy—together with a combination + of undistinguishable sounds from a variety of voices, crying their + articles for sale, or announcing their several occupations—formed a + contrast of characters, situations, and circumstances, not easily to be + described. Here, a poor half-starved and almost frightened-to-death brat + of a Chimney-sweeper, in haste to escape, had run against a lady whose + garments were as white as snow—there, a Barber had run against a + Parson, and falling along with him, had dropped a pot of pomatum from his + apron-pocket on the reverend gentleman's eye, and left a mark in perfect + unison with the colour of his garments before the disaster, but which were + now of a piebald nature, neither black nor white. A barrow of nuts, + overturned in one place, afforded fine amusement for the scrambling boys + and girls—a Jew old clothes-man swore upon his conscience he had + losht the pest pargain vhat he ever had offered to him in all his + lifetime, by dem tam'd bears of bull-drivers—a Sailor called him a + gallows <i>half-hung ould crimp</i>,{1} d——d his + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Crimp—Kidnappers, Trappers, or Procurers of men for the + Merchant Service; and the East-India company contract with + them for a supply of sailors to navigate their ships out and + home. These are for the most part Jews, who have made + advances to the sailors of money, clothes, victuals, and + lodgings, generally to a very small amount, taking care to + charge an enormous price for every article. The poor + fellows, by these means, are placed under a sort of + espionage, if not close confinement, till the ship is ready + to receive them; and then they are conducted on board at + Gravesend by the Crimp and his assistants, and a receipt + taken for them. + + In this process there is nothing very reprehensible—the men + want births, and have no money—the Crimp keeps a lodging- + house, and wishes to be certain of his man: he therefore + takes him into the house, and after a very small supply of + cash, the grand do, is to persuade him to buy watches, + buckles, hats, and jackets, to be paid for on his receiving + his advance previous to sailing. By this means and the + introduction of grog, the most barefaced and unblushing + robberies have been committed. + + With the same view of fleecing the unwary poor fellows, who + + "... at sea earn their money like horses, + To squander it idly like asses on shore," + + they watch their arrival after the voyage, and advance small + sums of money upon their tickets, or perhaps buy them out + and out, getting rid at the same time of watches, jewellery, + and such stuff, at more than treble their real value. Not + only is this the case in London, but at all the out-ports it + is practised to a very great extent, particularly in war + time. + + Happy would it be for poor Jack were this all; he is some- + times brought in indebted to the Crimp to a large nominal + amount, by what is called a long-shore attorney, or more + appropriately, a black shark, and thrown into jail!!! There + he lies until his body is wanted, and then the incarcerator + négociâtes with him for his liberty, to be permitted to + enter on board again. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[116]</span>eyes if he was not glad of it, and, with + a sling of his arm, deposited an enormous quid he had in his mouth + directly in the chaps of the Israelite, then joined the throng in pursuit; + while the Jew, endeavouring to call Stop thief, took more of the + second-hand quid than agreed with the delicacy of his stomach, and + commenced a vomit, ejaculating with woful lamentations, that he had lost + his bag mit all his propertish. + </p> + <p> + The old mackarel-woman, seeing her fish covered with brick-dust, set off + in pursuit of the limping donkey-driver, and catching him by the neck, + swore he should pay her for the fish, and brought him back to the scene of + action; but, in the mean time, the Street-keeper had seized and carried + off the basket with all its contents—misfortune upon misfortune! + </p> + <p> + "D——n your ass, and you too," said the Fish-woman, "if you + doesn't pay me for my fish, I'll <i>quod</i>{1} you—that there's all + vat I ar got to say." + </p> + <p> + "Here's a bit of b——dy gammon—don't you see as how I am + lost both my ass and his cargo, and if you von't leave + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Quod—A Jail—to quod a person is to send him to jail. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[117]</span>me alone, and give me my bags again, + I'll sarve you out—there now, that's all—bl——st + me! fair play's a jewel—let go my hair, and don't kick up no rows + about it—see vhat a mob you're a making here—can't you sell + your mackarel ready sauced, and let me go ater Neddy?" + </p> + <p> + "Vhat, you thinks you are a <i>flat-catching</i>,{1} do you, Limping Billy—but + eh, who has run away with my basket offish?" + </p> + <p> + "Ha, ha, ha," cried Limping Billy, bursting into a horse-laugh at the + additional distress of the old woman, in which he was joined by many of + the surrounding spectators; and which so enraged her, that she let go her + hold, and bursting through the crowd with an irresistible strength, + increased almost to the fury of madness by her additional loss, she ran + some paces distance in search of, not only her stock in trade, but her + shop, shop-board, and working-tools; while the donkey-driver boisterously + vociferated after her—"Here they are six a shilling, live mackarel + O." + </p> + <p> + This taunt of the brick-dust merchant was too much to be borne, and + brought her back again with a determination to chastise him, which she did + in a summary way, by knocking him backwards into the kennel. Billy was not + pleased at this unexpected salute, called her a drunken ——, + and endeavoured to get out of her way—"for," said he, "I know she is + a b——dy rum customer when she gets lushy."{2} At this moment, + a sturdy youth, about sixteen or seventeen years of age, was seen at a + short distance riding the runaway-ass back again. Billy perceiving this, + became a little more reconciled to his rough usage—swore he never + would strike a voman, so help him G——d, for that he was a man + every inch of him; and as for Mother Mapps, he'd be d——nd-if + he vouldn't treat her with all the pleasure of life; and now he had got + his own ass, he vould go along with her for to find her mackarel. Then + shaking a cloud of brick-dust from the dry parts of his apparel, with + sundry portions of mud from those parts which had most easily reached the + kennel, he took the bridle of his donkey, and bidding her come along, they + toddled{3} together to a gin-shop in Shoe Lane. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Flat-catching—Is an expression of very common use, and + seems almost to explain itself, being the act of taking + advantage of any person who appears ignorant and + unsuspicious. + + 2 Lushy—Drunk. + + 3 Toddle—To toddle is to walk slowly, either from + infirmity or choice—"Come, let us toddle," is a very + familiar phrase, signifying let us be going. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[118]</span>Desirous of seeing an end to this bit of + gig—"Come along," said Sparkle, "they'll all be in prime twig + presently, and we shall have some fun. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "I'm the boy for a bit of a bobbery, + Nabbing a lantern, or milling a pane; + A jolly good lark is not murder or robbery, + Let us be ready and nimble." +</pre> + <p> + Hark, (said he) there's a fiddle-scraper in the house—here goes;" + and immediately they entered. + </p> + <p> + They had no occasion to repent of their movements; for in one corner of + the tap-room sat Billy Waters, a well-known character about town, a Black + Man with a wooden leg was fiddling to a Slaughterman from Fleet-market, in + wooden shoes, who, deck'd with all the paraphernalia of his occupation, a + greasy jacket and night-cap, an apron besmeared with mud, blood, and + grease, nearly an inch thick, and a leathern girdle, from which was + suspended a case to hold his knives, and his sleeves tuck'd up as if he + had but just left the slaughter-house, was dancing in the centre to the + infinite amusement of the company, which consisted of an old woman with + periwinkles and crabs for sale in a basket—a porter with his knot + upon the table—a dustman with his broad-flapped hat, and his bell by + his side—an Irish hodman—and two poor girls, who appeared to + be greatly taken with the black fiddler, whose head was decorated with an + oil-skinned cock'd hat, and a profusion of many coloured feathers: on the + other side of the room sat a young man of shabby-genteel appearance, + reading the newspaper with close attention, and purring forth volumes of + smoke. Limping Billy and Mother Mapps were immediately known, and room was + made for their accommodation, while the fiddler's elbow and the + slaughterman's wooden shoes were kept in motion. + </p> + <p> + <i>Max</i>{l} was the order of the day, and the <i>sluicery</i>{2} in good + request. Mother Mapps was made easy by being informed the Street-keeper + had her valuables in charge, which Limping Billy promised he would redeem. + "Bring us a + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Max—A very common term for gin. + + 2 Sluicery—A gin-shop or public-house: so denominated from + the lower orders of society sluicing their throats as it + were with gin, and probably derived from the old song + entitled "The Christening of Little Joey," formerly sung + by Jemmy Dodd, of facetious memory. + + "And when they had sluiced their gobs + With striving to excel wit, + The lads began to hang their nobs,* +</pre> + <hr /> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Nobs—Heads. + + ** Frows—Originally a Dutch word, meaning wives, or girls. + + *** Velvet—The tongue. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[119]</span>noggin of <i>white tape</i>,{1} and fill + me a pipe," said he—"d——n my eyes, I knowed as how it + vou'd be all right enough, I never gets in no rows whatever without + getting myself out again—come, <i>ould chap,{2} vet your vistle, and + tip it us rum—go it my kiddy, that are's just vat I likes</i>." + </p> + <p> + "Vat's the reason I an't to have a pipe?" said Mother Mapps. + </p> + <p> + "Lord bless your heart," said the Donkey-driver, "if I did'nt forget you, + never trust me—here, Landlord, a pipe for this here Lady." + </p> + <p> + "Which way did the bull run?" said the Irishman. + </p> + <p> + "Bl——st me if I know," replied Limping Billy, "for I was a + looking out for my own ass—let's have the Sprig of Shelalah, <i>ould + Blackymoor</i>—come, tune up." + </p> + <p> + The old woman being supplied with a pipe, and the fiddler having rosined + his nerves with a glass of <i>blue ruin</i>{3} to it they went, some + singing, some whistling, and others drumming with their hands upon the + table; while Tom, Bob, and Sparkle, taking a seat at the other side of the + room, ordered a glass of brandy and water each, and enjoyed the merriment + of the scene before them, perhaps more than those actually engaged in it. + Bob was alive to every movement and every character, for it was new, and + truly interesting: and kept growing more so, for in a few minutes Limping + Billy and Mother Mapps joined the Slaughterman in the dance, when nothing + could be more grotesque and amusing. Their pipes in their mouths—clapping + of hands and snapping of fingers, formed a curious accompaniment to the + squeaking of the fiddle—the broad grin of the Dustman, and the + preposterous laugh of the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 White Tape—Also a common term for gin, particularly among + the Ladies. + + 2 Ould Chap, or Ould Boy—Familiar terms of address among + flash lads, being a sort of contraction of old acquaintance, + or old friend. + + 3 Blue Ruin—Gin. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[120]</span>Irishman at the reelers in the centre, + heightened the picture—more gin—more music, and more tobacco, + soon ad a visible effect upon the party, and reeling became unavoidable. + The young man reading the paper, found it impossible to understand what he + was perusing, and having finished his pipe and his pint, made his exit, + appearing to have no relish for the entertainment, and perhaps heartily + cursing both the cause and the effect. Still, however, the party was not + reduced in number, for as one went out another came in. + </p> + <p> + This new customer was a young-looking man, bearing a large board on a high + pole, announcing the residence of a Bug-destroyer in the Strand. His + appearance was grotesque in the extreme, and could only be equalled by the + eccentricities of his manners and conversation. He was dressed in a brown + coat, close buttoned, over which he had a red camlet or stuff surtout, + apparently the off-cast of some theatrical performer, but with a + determination to appear fashionable; for + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Folks might as well be dead—nay buried too, + As not to dress and act as others do." +</pre> + <p> + He wore mustachios, a pair of green spectacles, and his whole figure was + surmounted with a fur-cap. Taking a seat directly opposite our party at + the same table—"Bring me a pint," said he; and then deliberately + searching his pockets, he produced a short pipe and some tobacco, with + which he filled it—"You see," said he, "I am obliged to smoke + according to the Doctor's orders, for an asthma—so I always smokes + three pipes a day, that's my allowance; but I can eat more than any man in + the room, and can dance, sing, and act—nothing conies amiss to me, + all the players takes their characters from me." + </p> + <p> + After this introduction—"You are a clever fellow, I'll be bound for + it," said Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "O yes, I acts Richard the Third sometimes—sometimes Macbeth and Tom + Thumb. I have played before Mr. Kean: then I acted Richard the Third—'Give + me a horse! '—(starting into the middle of the room)—'no, + stop, not so—let me see, let me see, how is it?—ah, this is + the way—Give me a horse—Oh! Oh! Oh!—then you know I + dies."—And down he fell on the floor, which created a general roar + of laughter; while Billy Waters <span class="pagenum">[121]</span>struck + up, "See the conquering Hero conies!" to the inexpressible delight of all + around him—their feet and hands all going at the same time. + </p> + <p> + Mother Mapps dropp'd her pipe, and d——d the weed, it made her + sick, she said. + </p> + <p> + Limping Billy was also evidently in <i>queer-street</i>. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Sparkle, "won't you have a drop more?" + </p> + <p> + "Thank ye, Sir," was the reply; and Sparkle, intent upon having his gig + out, ordered a fresh supply, which soon revived the fallen hero of + Bosworth-field, and Richard was himself again. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said he, "I'll sing you a song," and immediately commenced as + follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "My name's Hookey Walker, I'm known very well, + In acting and eating I others excel; + The player-folks all take their patterns from me, + And a nice pattern too!—Don't you see? don't you see? + Oh! [<i>glancing at his fingers</i>] It will do—it will do. + + At Chippenham born, I was left quite forlorn, + When my father was dead and my mother was gone; + So I came up to London, a nice little he, + And a nice pattern too!—Don't you see? don't you see? + Oh! it will do—it will do. + + A courting I went to a girl in our court, + She laugh'd at my figure, and made me her sport; + I was cut to the soul,—so said I on my knee, + I'm a victim of love!—Don't you see? don't you see? + Oh! it won't do—it won't do. + + Now all day I march to and fro in the street, + And a candle sometimes on my journey I eat; + So I'll set you a pattern, if you'll but agree, + And a nice pattern too! you shall see—you shall see. + Oh! it will do—it will do." +</pre> + <p> + This Song, which he declared was all <i>made out of his own head</i>, was + sung with grotesque action and ridiculous grimace, intended no doubt in + imitation of Mr. Wilkinson in his inimitable performance of this strange + piece of whimsicality. The dancing party was knock'd up and were lobbing + their <i>lollys</i>,{1} half asleep and half awake, on the table, bowing + as it were to the magnanimous influence + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Lobbing their lollys—Laying their heads. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[122]</span>of <i>Old Tom</i>.{1} The Dustman and + the Irishman laugh'd heartily; and Das hall, Tallyho, and Sparkle, could + not resist the impulse to risibility when they contemplated the group + before them. The Bug-destroyer <i>munched</i>{2} a candle and <i>sluiced</i>{3} + his greasy <i>chops</i>{4} with <i>Jacky</i>{5} almost as fast as they + could supply him with it, when Sparkle perceiving the boy was still at the + door with the runaway ass, + </p> + <p> + "Come," said he, "we'll start 'em off home in high style—here, you + Mr. Bugman, can you ride?" + </p> + <p> + "Ride, aye to be sure I can, any of Mr. Astley's horses as well as the + Champion of England,"{6} was the reply. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Old Tom—It is customary in public-houses and gin-shops + in London and its vicinity to exhibit a cask inscribed with + large letters—OLD TOM, intended to indicate the best gin in + the house. + + 2 Munched—Eat. + + 3 Sluiced—Washed. See Sluicery. + + 4 Chops—The mouth. + + 5 Jacky—A vulgar term for gin. + + 6 Any person would almost suspect that Hookey had been + reading the newspapers by this allusion; but that certainly + could not be the case, for, spurning all education in early + life, this representative of the immortal bard—this + character of characters from Shakespeare, could neither read + nor write, but made all he acted, as he said, from his own + head: however, it may fairly be presumed, that in the course + of his travels during the day he had heard something of the + Champion intended to appear at the approaching Coronation, + of whom the following account has recently been circulated + through the daily press, and, with his usual consistency, + conceived his own innate abilities equal to those which + might be acquired by Mr. Dymocke, though his claims were not + equally honourable or advantageous. + + Mr. Dymocke, the nephew of the gentleman (who is a + Clergyman) entitled by hereditary right to do the service of + the Champion to his Majesty, is still in hopes he may be + permitted to act under his Uncle's nomination, although he + wants a few months of being of age. A petition is before the + King on the subject; and Mr. Dymocke, by constant practice + at Astley's Hiding-school, is endeavouring to qualify + himself for the due fulfilment of the office. On Thursday + lie went through his exercise in a heavy suit of armour with + great celerity. The horse which will be rode by the Champion + has been selected from Mr. Astley's troop. It is a fine + animal, pieballed black and white, and is regularly + exercised in the part he will have to perform. +</pre> + <p> + "Walk in—walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, just going to begin—come, + Mr. Merryman, all ready—Ladies and Gentlemen, please to observe, + this here horse is not that there horse." + </p> + <p> + "So we laugh at John Bull a little." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[123]</span>"Come, then," continued Sparkle, + "another glass—half-a-crown to ride to the bottom of the lane and up + Holboru-hill on that donkey at the door, and you shall be our Champion." + </p> + <p> + "A bargain—a bargain," said the assumed Hookey Walker, rubbing the + tallow from his <i>gills</i>.{1} + </p> + <p> + "Here goes then," said Sparkle; then slipping half-a-crown into the boy's + hand, desiring him to run as far as the Traveller-office, in Fleet-street, + and get him a newspaper, promising to take care of his ass till his + return. The lad nibbled the bait, and was off in a <i>pig's whisper</i>{2} + Sparkle called to Tom and Bob, and putting them up to his scheme, Hookey + was quickly mounted, while Dashall and his Cousin, assisted by the + Hibernian and Dust-ho, succeeded in getting Mother Mapps out, who was + placed in the front of the Champion, astride, with her face towards him + and Limping Billy, who though <i>beat to a stand still</i>,{3} was after + some difficulty lifted up behind. Hookey was then supplied with his board, + the pole of which he placed on his foot, in the manner of a spear or + lance. Then giving the Irishman and the Dustman some silver, to act as + Supporters or Esquires, one on each side, they proceeded along Shoe-lane, + preceded by Billy Waters flourishing his wooden-leg and feathers, and + fiddling as he went—the Irishman roaring out with Stentorian lungs, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Sure won't you hear + What roaring cheer + Was spread at Paddy's wedding O, + And how so gay + They spent the day, + From the churching to the bedding O. + First book in hand came Father Quipes, + With the Bride's dadda, the Bailey O, + While all the way to church the pipes + Struck up a jilt so gaily O. +</pre> + <p> + "<i>Kim ap</i>—be after sitting fast in the front there, old Mapps, + or you'll make a mud-lark of yourself." The Dustman rang his bell; and + thus accompanied with an immense assemblage of boys, girls, men, women, + and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Gills—The mouth. + + 2 Pig's Whisper—A very common term for speed. + + 3 Beat to a dead stand still—Means completely unable to + assist himself. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[124]</span>children, collected from all the courts + and alleys in the neighbourhood, joining in a chorus of shouts that rent + the air, poor Balaam continued to bear his load; while our party, after + watching them till nearly out of sight, passed down Harp-alley into + Fleet-market," and turning to the right, very soon regained Fleet-Street, + laughing heartily at the bull's cookery of mackarel buttered with + brick-dust, and very well satisfied with their spree. + </p> + <p> + Engaged in conversation upon this adventure, they found nothing of + interest' or amusement to attract their notice till they arrived at the + warehouse of the London Genuine Tea Company, except merely remarking the + grand appearance of St. Paul's, from that situation. + </p> + <p> + "Genuine tea" said Bob; "what can that mean—Is tea any thing but + tea?" + </p> + <p> + "To be sure it is," said Sparkle, "or has been—<i>any</i>thing but + tea,"{l} strongly marking the latter part of the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Tea and Coffee—The adulteration of articles of human food + is a practice of the most nefarious description, and cannot + be too strongly deprecated, although it has been carried to + an alarming extent. There is scarcely an article of ordinary + consumption but has been unlawfully adulterated, and in many + cases rendered injurious by the infamous and fraudulent + practice of interested persons. Bread, which is considered + to be the staff of life, and beer and ale the universal + beverage of the people of this country, are known to be + frequently mixed with drugs of the most pernicious quality. + Gin, that favourite and heart-inspiring cordial of the lower + orders of society, that it may have the grip, or the + appearance of being particularly strong, is frequently + adulterated with the decoction of long pepper, or a small + quantity of aqua-fortis, a deadly poison. Sugar has been + known to be mixed with sand; and tobacco, for the public- + houses, undergoes a process for making it strong and + intoxicating; but the recent discovery of the nefarious + practice of adulterating tea and coffee, articles of the + most universal and extensive consumption, deserves + particular reprehension. + + Tea has been adulterated by the introduction of dried sloe + leaves; the practice is not very new, but its extensive + adoption, and the deleterious properties ascribed to them by + physicians, have been, at length, successfully exposed by + the conviction of many of the venders, so, it is hoped, as + to prevent a repetition of the crime. The sloe leaf, though + a spurious commodity when sold as tea, might afford a + harmless vegetable infusion, and be recommended to the poor + and frugal as a cheap succedaneum for the Chinese vegetable. + The establishment of the Genuine Tea Company on Ludgate-hill + originated in the recent discoveries, promising to sell + nothing but the Unadulterated Tea, and it is sincerely to be + hoped has done some good. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[125]</span>sentence as he spoke it: "horse-beans + have been converted to coffee, and sloe-leaves have been transformed into + tea; hog's lard has been manufactured for butter; an ingenious gentleman + wishes to persuade us <i>Periwinkles</i>{1} are young Lobsters; and + another has proposed to extract sugar, and some say brandy, out of + pea-shells! London is the mart for inventions and discoveries of all + kinds, and every one of its inhabitants appears to have studied something + of the art of Legerdemain, to catch the eye and deceive the senses." + </p> + <p> + "Wonderful!" exclaimed Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Not more wonderful than true," continued Sparkle; "invention is always on + the stretch in London. Here we have cast-iron Bridges{2}—a cast-iron + Sugar-house— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Sparkle appears to have been rather sceptical on the + subject of Periwinkles being young Lobsters, though the + opinion is not very new. A gentleman, whose indefatigable + research appears to be deserving of encouragement and + support, has recently issued the following advertisement, + inviting the curious and the learned to inspect the result + of his discoveries, which seems, at least, to warrant + something more than conjecture. + + "J. Cleghorne having in his possession some specimens which + prove, in his opinion, a circumstance before suggested, but + treated by the scientific as a vulgar error, any known + naturalist willing to view them, by noticing by letter, + within a week, may have J. C. attend with his specimens. The + subject is a curious change in the formation of Lobsters + from various species of the Winkle, the Winkle being + considered the larva;. + + The only advantage J. C. desires from the communication is, + the credit of advancing his proofs, and the stimulating + further enquiry.—A line addressed to J. Cleghorne, + Architectural Engraver, No. 19, Chapman-street, Black-road, + Islington, will have immediate attention." + + It is sincerely to be hoped that proper notice will be taken + of this advertisement, for in times of general scarcity like + the present, such a discovery might be turned to great + national advantage, by the establishment of proper depots + for the cultivation of lobsters, as we have preserves for + game, &c. + + 2 Cast-iron has become an object of general utility. The + Southwark or New London Bridge consists of three arches, the + centre of which is a span of 240 feet, and the other two 210 + feet each; the Vauxhall Bridge consists of nine arches, over + a width of 809 feet; and it is a fact, that a Sugar-house is + building with cast-iron floors, window-frames, and rafters, + to prevent fire. Cast-iron holds fire and resists fire; but + it is probable that all its properties and powers are not + yet discovered, and that we may some day or other witness + the ascension of a cast-iron balloon inflated with steam! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[126]</span>coaches running, and barges, packets, + and sailing-boats navigated, by Steam{1}—St. Paul's, as you + perceive, without its ball—smoke burning itself, and money burning + men's consciences." + </p> + <p> + "Well done, Sparkle!" cried Tom; "your ideas seem to flow like gas, touch + but the valve and off you go; and you are equally diffusive, for you throw + a light upon all subjects." + </p> + <p> + Bob was now suddenly attracted by a full view of himself and his friends + at the further end of Everington's{2} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Steam—Here is a subject that evaporates as we approach; + it soars beyond finite comprehension, and appears to be + inexhaustible—every thing is done by it—machinery of every + kind is set in motion by it—a newspaper of the most + extensive circulation in the kingdom is printed by it, and + the paper supplied sheet by sheet to receive the impression. + Tobacco is manufactured, and sausage-meat cut, by steam— + nay, a celebrated Vender of the latter article had asserted, + that his machinery was in such a state of progressive + improvement, that he had little doubt before long of making + it supply the demands of his customers, and thereby save the + expense of a Shopman; but, it is much to be regretted, his + apparatus made sausage-meat of him before the accomplishment + of his project. + + Considering the increasing, and by some Philosophers almost + overwhelming population of the country at the present + moment, it is certainly an alarming circumstance, that when + employment is so much required, mechanical science should so + completely supersede it to the injury of thousands, + independent of the many who have lost their lives by the + blowing up of steam-engines. It is a malady however which + must be left to our political economists, who will + doubtless at the same time determine which would prove the + most effectual remedy—the recommendation of Mr. Malthus to + condemn the lower orders to celibacy—the Jack Tars to a + good war—or the Ministers to emigration. + + 2 If an estimate of the wealth or poverty of the nation + were to lie formed from the appearance of the houses in the + Metropolis, no one could be induced to believe that the + latter had any existence among us. The splendour and taste + of our streets is indescribable, and the vast improvements + in the West are equally indicative of the former. + + The enormous increase of rents for Shops, particularly in + the leading thoroughfares of London, may in a great measure + be attributed to the Linen-drapers. The usual method + practised by some of these gentry, is to take a shop in the + first-rate situation, pull down the old front, and erect a + new one, regardless of expense, a good outside being + considered the first and indispensable requisite. This is + often effected, either upon credit with a builder, or, if + they have a capital of a few hundreds, it is all exhausted + in external decorations. Goods are obtained upon credit, and + customers procured by puffing advertisements, and exciting + astonishment at the splendid appearance of the front. Thus + the concern is generally carried on till the credit obtained + has expired, and the wonder and novelty of the concern has + evaporated; when the stock is <i>sold off at 30 per cent, + under prime cost for the benefit of the creditors</i>! This is + so common an occurrence, that it is scarcely possible to + walk through London any day in the year, without being + attracted by numerous Linen-drapers' shops, whose windows + are decorated with bills, indicating that they are actually + selling off under prime cost, as the premises must be + cleared in a few days. + + The most elegant Shop of this description in the Metropolis + is supposed to be one not a hundred miles from Ludgate-hill, + the front and fitting up of which alone is said to have cost + several thousand pounds. The interior is nearly all of + looking-glass, with gilt mouldings; even the ceiling is + looking-glass, from which is appended splendid cut-glass + chandeliers, which when lighted give to the whole the + brilliance of enchantment; however it is not very easy to + form an idea of what is sold, for, with the exception of a + shawl or two carelessly thrown into the window, there is + nothing to be seen, (the stock being all concealed in + drawers, cupboards, &c. ) except the decorations and the + Dandy Shopmen, who parade up and down in a state of ecstasy + at the reflection of their own pretty persons from every + part of the premises! + + This concealment of the stock has occasioned some laughable + occurrences. It is said that a gentleman from the country + accidentally passing, took it for a looking-glass + manufactory, and went in to inquire the price of a glass. + The Shopmen gathered round him with evident surprise, + assured him of his mistake, and directed him to go to + Blades,{1} lower down the Hill. The Countryman was not + disconcerted, but, after surveying them somewhat minutely, + informed them it was glass he wanted, not cutlery; but as + for blades, he thought there were enow there for one street, + at least. + + Another is said to have been so pleased with a row of + grotesque Indian-China jars, which embellish one side of the + entrance, and which he mistook for <i>pots de chambre</i>, that + after returning home and consulting his rib, he sent an + order per post for one of the most elegant pattern to be + forwarded to him! + + There is a similar Shop to this, though on a smaller scale, + to be seen in a great leading thoroughfare at the West end + of the Town; the owner of which, from his swarthy complexion + and extravagant mode of dress, has been denominated The + Black Prince, a name by which he is well known in his own + neighbourhood, and among the gentlemen of the cloth. This + dandy gentleman, who affects the dress and air of a military + officer, has the egregious vanity to boast that the numerous + families of rank and fashion who frequent his shop, are + principally attracted to view his elegant person, and seems + to consider that upon this principally depends the success + of his trade. + + 1 A large Glass-manufacturer. +</pre> + <p> + 128—shop, and without observing the other persons about him, saw + himself surrounded with spectators, unconscious of being in their company. + He look'd up—he look'd down—he gazed around him, and all was + inconceivable light. Tom's allusion to the gas flashed upon him in a + moment—"What—what is this?" said he—"where, in the name + of wonder, am I?" A flash of lightning could not have operated more + suddenly upon him. "Why," said Sparkle, "don't you see? + </p> + <p> + "You are not here, for you are there," + </p> + <p> + pointing to his reflection, in the looking-glass. + </p> + <p> + "Egad," said Bob, under evident surprise, and perhaps not without some + apprehension they were playing tricks with him—"I wish you would + explain—is this a Drawing-room, or is it the <i>Phantasmagoria</i> + we have heard so much of in the country?" + </p> + <p> + "No, no, it is not the Phantasmagoria, but it forms a part of metropolitan + magic, which you shall be better acquainted with before we part. That is + no other than a Linen-draper's shop, '<i>papered</i>,' as an Irishman one + day remarked, 'vvid nothing at all at all but looking-glass, my dear '—one + of the most superb things of the kind that perhaps ever was seen—But + come, I perceive it is getting late, let us proceed directly to Dolly's, + take our chop, then a <i>rattler</i>,{1} and hey for the Spell."{2} + </p> + <p> + Bob appeared almost to be spell-bound at the moment, and, as they moved + onward, could not help casting + </p> + <p> + "One longing, lingering look behind." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Rattler—A coach. + + 2 Spell—The Play-house; so denominated from its variety of + attractions, both before and behind the curtain. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "What various swains our motley walls contain! + Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick-lane; + Bankers from Paper-buildings here resort, + Bankrupts from Golden-square and Riches-court; + From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, + Gulls from the Poultry, sots from Water-lane; + The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, + The full-price master, and the half-price clerk; + Boys, who long linger at the gallery-door, + With pence twice live, they want but twopence more, + Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, + And sends them jumping up the gallery-stairs. + Critics we boast, who ne'er their malice baulk, + But talk their minds—we wish they'd mind their talk; + Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, + Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give; + Jews from St. Mary-Axe, for jobs so wary, + That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary; + And Bucks with pockets empty as their pate, + Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait. + Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues? + Who's that calls "Silence" with such leathern lungs? + He, who, in quest of quiet, "Silence" hoots, + Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes." +</pre> + <p> + IN a few minutes they entered Dolly's, from whence, after partaking of a + cheerful repast and an exhilarating glass of wine, a coach conveyed them + to Drury-lane. ', + </p> + <p> + "Now," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "I shall introduce you to a new scene in + Real Life, well worth your close observation. We have already taken a + promiscuous ramble from the West towards the East, and it has afforded + some amusement; but our stock is abundant, and many objects of curiosity + are still in view." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, yes," continued Sparkle, "every day produces novelty; for although + London itself is always the same, the inhabitants assume various forms, as + inclination or necessity may induce or compel. The Charioteer of <span + class="pagenum">[130]</span>to-day, dashing along with four in hand, may + be an inhabitant of the King's-bench to-morrow, and—but here we are, + and Marino Faliero is the order of the night. The character of its author + is so well known, as to require no observation; but you will be introduced + to a great variety of other characters, both in High and Low Life, of an + interesting nature." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had alighted, and were entering the House. The rapid + succession of carriages arriving with the company, the splendour of the + equipages, the general elegance of the dresses, and the blazing of the + lamps, alternately became objects of attraction to Bob, whose eyes were + kept in constant motion—while "A Bill of the Play for Covent Garden + or Drury Lane," still resounded in their ears. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page130.jpg" alt="Page130 Drury Lane Theatre " + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + On arriving at the Box-lobby, Tom, who was well known, was immediately + shewn into the centre box with great politeness by the Box-keeper,{1} the + second scene of the Tragedy being just over. The appearance of the House + was a delicious treat to Bob, whose visual orbs wandered more among the + delighted and delightful faces which surrounded him, than to the plot or + the progress of the performances before him. It was a scene of splendour + of which lie had not the least conception; and Sparkle perceiving the + principal objects of attraction, could not resist the impulse to deliver, + in a sort of half-whisper, the following lines:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "When Woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, + And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, + What need has new Drury of carvers and gilders? + With nature so bounteous, why call upon art? + + 1 The Box-keeper to a public Theatre has many duties to + perform to the public, his employer, and himself; but, + perhaps, in order to be strictly correct, we ought to have + reversed the order in which we have noticed them, since of + the three, the latter appears to be the most important, (at + least) in his consideration; for he takes care before the + commencement of the performance to place one of his + automaton figures on the second row of every box, which + commands a good view of the House, who are merely intended + to sit with their hats off, and to signify that the two + first seats are taken, till the conclusion of the second + act; and so in point of fact they are taken by himself, for + the accommodation of such friends as he is quite aware are + willing to accommodate him with <i>a quid pro quo</i>. + + How well would our Actors attend to their duties, + Our House save in oil, and our Authors in wit, + + In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young Beauties + Glanc'd light from their eyes between us and the Pit. + + The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge + By Woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, + + To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College— + I mean the Love-apples that bloom in the eyes. + + There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling, + Still governs the slaves that are made by the Fair, + + For Man is the pupil who, while her eye's rolling, + Is lifted to rapture, or sunk in despair." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[131]</span>Tallyho eagerly listened to his friend's + recitation of lines so consonant with his own enraptured feelings; while + his Cousin Dashall was holding a conversation in dumb-show with some + person at a distance, who was presently recognized by Sparkle to be Mrs. G——den,{1} + a well-known frequenter of the House. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said he, "I see how it is with Tom—you may rely upon it he + will not stop long where he is, there is other game in view—he has + but little taste for Tragedy fiction, the Realities of Life are the + objects of his regard. + </p> + <p> + "Tis a fine Tragedy," continued he, addressing himself to Tom. + </p> + <p> + "Yes—yes," replied the other, "I dare say it is, but, upon my soul, + I know nothing about it—that is—I have seen it before, and I + mean to read it." + </p> + <p> + "Bless my heart!" said a fat lady in a back seat, "what a noise them 'are + gentlemen does make—they talk so loud there 'ant no such thing as + seeing what is said—I wonder they don't make these here boxes more + bigger, for I declare I'm so scrouged I'm all in a—Fanny, did you + bring the rumperella for fear it should rain as we goes home?" + </p> + <p> + "Hush, Mother," said a plump-faced little girl, who sat along side of her—"don't + talk so loud, or otherwise every body will hear you instead of the + Performers, and that would be quite preposterous." + </p> + <p> + "Don't call me <i>posterous</i> Miss; because you have been to school, and + learnt some <i>edification</i>, you thinks you are to do as you please + with me." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Mrs. G——den, a dashing Cyprian of the first order, well + known in the House, a fine, well-made woman, always ready + for a lark, and generally well togged. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[132]</span>This interesting conversation was + interrupted by loud vociferations of Bravo, Bravo, from all parts of the + House, as the drop-scene fell upon the conclusion of the second act. The + clapping of hands, the whistling and noise that ensued for a few minutes, + appeared to astonish Tallyho. "I don't much like my seat," said Dashall. + "No," said Sparkle, "I did not much expect you would remain long—you + are a mighty ambitious sort of fellow, and I perceive you have a desire to + be exalted." + </p> + <p> + "I confess the situation, is too confined," replied Tom—"come, it is + excessively warm here, let us take a turn and catch a little air." + </p> + <p> + The House was crowded in every part; for the announcement of a new Tragedy + from the pen of Lord Byron, particularly under the circumstances of its + introduction to the Stage, against the expressed inclination of its + Author, the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 At an early hour on the evening this Tragedy was first + pro-duced at Drury Lane, Hand-bills were plentifully + distributed through the Theatre, of which the following is a + copy: + + "The public are respectfully informed, that the + representation of Lord Byron's Tragedy, The Doge of Venice, + this evening, takes place in defiance of the injunction from + the Lord Chancellor, which was not applied for until the + remonstrance of the Publisher, at the earnest desire of the + noble Author, had failed in protecting that Drama from its + intrusion on the Stage, for which it was never intended." + + This announcement had the effect of exciting public + expectation beyond its usual pitch upon such occasions. The + circumstances were somewhat new in the history of the Drama: + the question being, whether a published Flay could be + legally brought on the Stage without the consent, or rather + we should say, in defiance of the Author. "We are not aware + whether this question has been absolutely decided, but this + we do know, that the Piece was performed several nights, and + underwent all the puffing of the adventurous Manager, as + well as all the severity of the Critics. The newspapers of + the day were filled with histories and observations upon it. + No subject engrossed the conversation of the polite and + play-going part of the community but Lord Byron, The Doge of + Venice, and Mr. Elliston. They were all bepraised and + beplastered—exalted and debased—acquitted and condemned; + but it was generally allowed on all hands, that the printed + Tragedy contained many striking beauties, notwithstanding + its alleged resemblance to Venice Preserved. We are, + however, speaking of the acted Tragedy, and the magnanimous + Manager, who with such promptitude produced it in an altered + shape; and having already alluded to the theatrical puffing + so constantly resorted to upon all occasions, we shall drop + the curtain upon the subject, after merely remarking, that + the Times of the same day has been known to contain the + Manager's puff, declaring the piece to have been + received with rapturous applause, in direct opposition + to the Editor's critique, which as unequivocally pronounced + its complete failure! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[133]</span>will of its publisher, and the + injunction{1} of the Lord Chancellor, were attractions of no ordinary + nature; and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Injunction—The word injunction implies a great deal, and + has in its sound so much of the terrific, as in many + instances to paralyze exertion on the part of the supposed + offending person or persons. It has been made the instrument + of artful, designing, and malicious persons, aided by + pettifogging or pretended attorneys, to obtain money for + themselves and clients by way of compromise; and in numerous + instances it is well known that fear has been construed into + actual guilt. Injunctions are become so common, that even + penny printsellers have lately issued threats, and promised + actual proceedings, against the venders of articles said to + be copies from their original drawings, and even carried it + so far as to withhold (kind souls!) the execution of their + promises, upon the payment of a 5L. from those who were + easily to be duped, having no inclination to encounter the + glorious uncertainty of the law, or no time to spare for + litigation. We have recently been furnished with a curious + case which occurred in Utopia, where it appears by our + informant, that the laws hold great similarity with our own. + A certain house of considerable respectability had imported + a large quantity of Welsh cheese, which were packed in + wooden boxes, and offered them for sale (a great rarity in + Eutopia) as double Gloucester. + + It is said that two of a trade seldom agree; how far the + adage may apply to Eutopia, will be seen in the sequel. A + tradesman, residing in the next street, a short time after, + received an importation from Gloucester, of the favourite + double production of that place, packed in a similar way, + and (as was very natural for a tradesman to do, at least we + know it is so here,) the latter immediately began to vend + his cheese as the real Double Gloucester. This was an + offence beyond bearing. The High Court of Equity was moved, + similar we suppose to our High Court of Chancery, to + suppress the sale of the latter; but as no proof of + deception could be produced, it was not granted. This only + increased the flame already excited in the breasts of the + first importers; every effort was made use of to find a good + and sufficient excuse to petition the Court again, and at + length they found out one of the craft to swear, that as the + real Gloucester had been imported in boxes of a similar + shape, make, and wood, it was quite evident that the + possessor must have bought similar cheeses, and was imposing + on the public to their great disadvantage, notwithstanding + they could not find a similarity either of taste, smell, or + appearance. In the mean time the real Gloucester cheese + became a general favourite with the inhabit-ants of Utopia, + and upon this, though slender ground, the innocent tradesman + was served with a process, enjoining him not to do that, + which, poor man, he never intended to do; and besides if he + had, the people of that country were not such ignoramuses as + to be so deceived; it was merely to restrain him from + selling his own real double Gloucester as their Welsh + cheeses, purporting, as they did, to be double Gloucester, + or of mixing them together (than which nothing could be + further from his thoughts,) and charging him at the same + time with having sold his cheeses under their name. But the + most curious part of the business was, the real cheeseman + brought the investigation before the Court, cheeses in boxes + were produced, and evidence was brought forward, when, as + the charges alleged could not be substantiated, the + restraint was removed, and the three importers of Welsh + cheese hung their heads, and retired in dudgeon. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[134]</span>the Hon. Tom availed himself of the + circumstance to leave the Box, though the truth was, there were other + attractions of a more enlivening cast in his view. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said he, "we shall have a better opportunity of seeing the House, + and its decorations, by getting nearer to the curtain; besides, Ave shall + have a bird's-eye view of the company in all quarters, from the seat of + the Gods to the Pit." + </p> + <p> + The influx of company, (it being the time of half-price), and the rush and + confusion which took place in all parts at this moment, were + indescribable. Jumping over boxes and obtaining seats by any means, + regardless of politeness or even of decorum—Bucks and Bloods warm + from the pleasures of the bottle—dashing Belles and flaming Beaux, + squabbling and almost fighting—rendered the amusements before the + curtain of a momentary interest, which appeared to obliterate the + recollection of what they had previously witnessed. In the mean time, the + Gods in the Gallery issued forth an abundant variety of discordant sounds, + from their elevated situation. Growling of bears, grunting of hogs, + braying of donkeys, gobbling of turkeys, hissing of geese, the catcall, + and the loud shrill whistle, were heard in one mingling concatenation of + excellent imitation and undistinguished variety: During which, Tom led the + way to the upper Boxes, where upon arriving, he was evidently disappointed + at not meeting the party who had been seen occupying a seat on the left + side of the House, besides having sacrificed a front seat, to be now + compelled to take one at the very back part of a side Box, an exchange by + no means advantageous for a view of the performance. However, this was + compensated in some degree by a more extensive prospect round the House; + and his eyes were seen moving in all directions, without seeming to know + where to fix, while Sparkle and Bob were attracted by a fight in the + Gallery, between a Soldier and a Gentleman's Servant in livery, for some + supposed <span class="pagenum">[135]</span>insult offered to the companion + of the latter, and which promised serious results from the repeated + vociferations of those around them, of "Throw 'em over—throw 'em + over;" while the gifts of the Gods were plentifully showered down upon the + inhabitants of the lower regions in the shape of orange-peelings, apples, + &c. The drawing up of the curtain however seemed to have some little + effect upon the audience, and in a moment the Babel of tongues was changed + into a pretty general cry of "Down—down in the front—hats off—silence, + &c. which at length subsided in every quarter but the Gallery, where + still some mutterings and murmurings were at intervals to be heard. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——one fiddle will + Produce a tiny flourish still." +</pre> + <p> + Sparkle could neither see nor hear the performance—Tom was wholly + engaged in observing the company, and Bob alternately straining his neck + to get a view of the Stage, and then towards the noisy inhabitants of the + upper regions. "We dined at the Hummums," said a finicking little + Gentleman just below him—"Bill, and I, and Harry—drank claret + like fishes—Harry was half-sprung—fell out with a Parson about + chopping logic; you know Harry's father was a butcher, and used to + chopping, so it was all prime—the Parson would'n't be convinced, + though Harry knock'd down his argument with his knuckles on the table, + almost hard enough to split it—it was a bang-up lark—Harry got + in a passion, doff'd his toggery, and was going to show fight—so + then the Parson sneak'd off—Such a bit of gig.'" + </p> + <p> + "Silence there, behind." + </p> + <p> + "So then," continued the Dandy, "we went to the Billiard-rooms, in Fleet + Street, played three games, diddled the Flats, bilk'd the Marker, and + bolted—I say, when did you see Dolly?"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 To the frequenters of Drury-lane Theatre, who occasionally + lounge away a little of their time between the acts in + sipping soda-water, negus, &c. the party here alluded to + cannot but be well known—we mean particularly the laffing- + boys and the lads of the village. We are aware that + fictitious names are assumed or given to the Ladies of + Saloon notoriety, originating in particular circum-stances, + and we have reason to believe that Dolly K——lly has been + so denominated from the propensity she almost invariably + manifests of painting, as remarked particularly by one of + the parties in conversation. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[136]</span>"Last night," replied the other—"she'll + be here presently—d——nd fine girl, arn't she?" + </p> + <p> + "Very well," said the first; "a nice plump face, but then she paints so d—n—bly, + I hate your painted Dollys, give me natural flesh and blood—Polly H—ward + for me." + </p> + <p> + "Gallows Tom{1} will speak to you in plain terms if you trespass there, my + boy; you know he has out-general'd the Captain in that quarter, and came + off victorious, so——" + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Sparkle, "let us adjourn into the Saloon, for, Heaven knows, + it is useless staying here." And taking their arms, they immediately left + the Box. + </p> + <p> + "The theatre," continued he, "is a sort of enchanted island, where nothing + appears as it really is, nor what it should be. In London, it is a sort of + time-killer, or exchange of looks and smiles. It is frequented by persons + of all degrees and qualities whatsoever. Here Lords come to laugh and be + laughed at—Knights to learn the amorous smirk and a-la-mode grin, + the newest fashion in the cut of his garments, the twist of his body, and + the adjustment of his phiz. + </p> + <p> + "This House{2} was built upon a grand and extensive scale, designed and + executed under the inspection of Mr. Benj. Wyatt, the architect, whose + skill was powerfully and liberally aided by an intelligent and public + spirited Committee, of which the late Mr. Whitbread was the Chairman. It + is altogether a master-piece of art, and an ornament to the Metropolis. + You perceive the interior is truly delightful, and the exterior presents + the idea of solidity and security: it affords sitting room for 2810 + persons, that is, 1200 in the Boxes, 850 in the Pit, 480 + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It appears that the adoption of fictitious names is not + wholly confined to the female visitors of these regions of + fashion and folly. Gallows Tom is a character well known, + and is a sort of general friend, at all times full of fun, + fire, and spirit. We have not been able to discover whether + he holds any official situation under government, though it + is generally believed he is safely anchored under the croum, + a stanch friend to the British constitution—probably more + so than to his own. And we should judge from what is to be + inferred from the conversation overheard, that he is the + acknowledged friend of Miss H——d. Capt. T——pe is + supposed to hold a Commission in the Navy, a gay and gallant + frequenter of the Saloon, and, till a short time back, the + chere ami of Miss H——d. + + 2 The building of this Theatre was completed for 112,000L. + Including lamps, furniture, &c. 125,000L.; and including + scent ry, wardrobe, properties, &c. 150,000L. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[137]</span>in the Lower Gallery, and 280 in the + Upper Gallery. The talents of the celebrated Mr. Kean (who has recently + left us for the shores of the Atlantic) first blazed forth to astonish the + world beneath this roof. Old Drury immortalized the name of Garrick, and + has also established the fame of Mr. Kean; and the House at the present + moment has to boast of a combination of histrionic{1} talent, rich and + excellent." + </p> + <p> + "Come along, come along," said Tom, interrupting him, "leave these + explanations for another opportunity—here is the Saloon. Now for a + peep at old particulars. There is no seeing nor hearing the Play—I + have no inclination for histories, I am just alive for a bit of gig." + </p> + <p> + On entering the Saloon, Bob was additionally gratified at viewing the + splendour of its decorations. The arched ceiling, the two massy Corinthian + columns of <i>vera antique</i>, and the ten corresponding pilasters on + each side, struck him as particularly beautiful, and he was for some + moments lost in contemplation, while his friends Sparkle and Tom were in + immediate request to receive the congratulations of their acquaintance. + </p> + <p> + "Where the d——l have you been to?" was the first question + addressed to Dashall—"rusticating, I suppose, to the serious loss of + all polished society." + </p> + <p> + "You are right in the first part of your reply," said Tom; "but, as I + conceive, not exactly so in the inference you draw from it." + </p> + <p> + "Modesty, by Jove! well done Dashall, this travelling appears to improve + your manners wonderfully; and I dare say if you had staid away another + month, your old friends would not have known you." + </p> + <p> + This created a laugh among the party, which roused Bob from his reverie, + who, turning round rather hastily, trod with considerable force upon the + gouty toe of an old debauchee in spectacles, who, in the height of + ecstasy, was at that moment entering into a treaty of amity with a pretty + rosy-faced little girl, and chucking her under the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The names of Elliston, Pope, Johnston, Powell, Dowton, + Munden, Holland, Wallack, Knight, T. Cooke, Oxberry, Smith, + Bromley, &c. are to be found on the male list of Performers, + and it is sincerely to be hoped that of Mr. Kean will not + long be absent. The females are, Mrs. Davison, Mrs. Glover, + Miss Kelly, Mrs. Bland, Mrs. Orger, Mrs. Sparks, Miss + Wilson, Miss Byrne, Miss Cubitt, &c. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[138]</span>chin, as a sort of preliminary, to be + succeeded by a ratification; for in all probability gratification was out + of the question. However this might be, the pain occasioned by the sudden + movement of Tallyho, who had not yet learned to trip it lightly along the + <i>mutton walk</i>,{1} induced the sufferer to roar out most lustily, a + circumstance which immediately attracted the attention of every one in the + room, and in a moment they were surrounded by a group of lads and lasses. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page138.jpg" alt="Page138 Tom and Bob at Drury Lane " + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "Upon my soul, Sir," stammer'd out Bob, "I beg your pardon, I—I—did + not mean—" + </p> + <p> + "Oh! oh! oh!" continued the gouty Amoroso. Mother K——p{2} came + running like lightning with a glass of water; the frail sisterhood were + laughing, nodding, whispering, and winking at each other; while St——ns,{3} + who pick'd up the spectacles the unfortunate victim of the gout had + dropp'd, swore that fellow in the green coat and white hat ought to be + sent to some dancing-school, to learn to step without kicking people's + shins. + </p> + <p> + Another declared he was a Johnny-raw,{4} just catched, and what could be + expected. + </p> + <p> + Tom, who, however, kept himself alive to the passing occurrences, stepping + up to Bob, was immediately recognized by all around him, and passing a + significant wink, declared it was an accident, and begged to assist the + Old Buck to a seat, which being accomplished, he declared he had not had + his shoe on for a week, but as he found himself able to walk, he could not + resist the temptation of taking a look around him. + </p> + <p> + Over a bottle of wine the unpleasant impressions made by this unfortunate + occurrence appeared to be removed. In the mean time, Tom received a + hundred congratulations and salutations; while Sparkle, after a glass or + two, was missing. + </p> + <p> + Dashall informed the friends around him, that his Cousin was a pupil of + his, and begged to introduce him + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Mutton Walk—A flash term recently adopted to denominate + the Saloon. + + 2 A well known fruit-woman, who is in constant attendance, + well acquainted with the girls and their protectors, and + ready upon all occasions to give or convey information for + the benefit of both parties. + + 3 St——ns—A very pretty round-faced young lady-bird, of + rather small figure, inclining to be lusty. + + 4 Johnny Raw—A country bumpkin. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[139]</span>as a future visitor to this gay scene. + This had an instantaneous effect upon the trading fair ones, who began + immediately to throw out their lures. One declared he had a sweet pretty + brooch; another, that she knew he was a trump by the cut of his jib; a + third, that he look'd like a gentleman, for she liked the make of his mug; + a fourth, that his hat was a very pretty shaped one, although it was of a + radical colour; and while Tom and the ladybird{l} were soothing the pains + of the grey-headed wanton, Bob was as busily employed in handing about the + contents of the bottle. A second and a third succeeded, and it was not a + little astonishing to him that every bottle improved his appearance; for, + though not one of his admirers remained long with him, yet the absence of + one only brought another, equally attracted by his look and manner: every + one declared he was really a gentleman in every respect, and in the course + of their short parley, did not fail to slip a card into his hand. By this + time he began to grow chatty, and was enabled to rally in turn the + observations they made. He swore he lov'd them all round, and once or + twice hummed over, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Dear creatures, we can't do without them, + They're all that is sweet and seducing to man, + Looking, sighing about, and about them, + We doat on them—do for them, all that we can." +</pre> + <p> + The play being over, brought a considerable influx of company into the + Saloon. The regular covies paired off with their covesses, and the moving + panorama of elegance and fashion presented a scene that was truly + delightful to Bob. + </p> + <p> + The Ladybird, who had been so attentive to the gouty customer, now wished + him a good night, for, said she, "There is my friend,{2} and so I am off." + This seemed only to increase the agony of his already agonized toe, + notwithstanding which he presently toddled off, and was seen no more for + the evening. + </p> + <p> + "What's become of Sparkle," enquired Tom. "Stole away," was the reply. + </p> + <p> + "Tipp'd us the double, has he," said Dashall. "Well, what think you of + Drury-lane?" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Lady-bird—A dashing Cyprian. + + 2 The term friend is in constant use among accessible + ladies, and signifies their protector or keeper. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[140]</span>"'Tis a very delightful tragedy indeed, + but performed in the most comical manner I ever witnessed in my life." + </p> + <p> + "Pshaw!" said Bob, "very few indeed, except the critics and the plebs, + come here to look at the play; they come to see and be seen." + </p> + <p> + "Egad then," said Bob, "a great many have been gratified to-night, and + perhaps I have been highly honoured, for every person that has passed me + has complimented me with a stare." + </p> + <p> + "Which of course you did not fail to return?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly not; and upon my soul you have a choice show of fruit here." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," continued Tom, "London is a sort of hot-house, where fruit is + forced into ripeness by the fostering and liberal sun of Folly, sooner + than it would be, if left to its natural growth. Here however, you observe + nothing but joyful and animated features, while perhaps the vulture of + misery is gnawing at the heart. I could give you histories of several of + these unfortunates,{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A life of prostitution is a life fraught with too many + miseries to be collected in any moderate compass. The mode + in which they are treated, by parties who live upon the + produce of their infamy, the rude and boisterous, nay, often + brutal manner in which they are used by those with whom they + occasionally associate, and the horrible reflections of + their own minds, are too frequently and too fatally + attempted to be obliterated by recourse to the Bacchanalian + fount. Reason becomes obscured, and all decency and + propriety abandoned. Passion rules predominantly until it + extinguishes itself, and leaves the wretched victim of early + delusion, vitiated both in body and mind, to drag on a + miserable existence, without character, without friends, and + almost without hope. There is unfortunately, however, no + occasion for the exercise of imagination on this subject. + The annals of our police occurrences, furnish too many + examples of actual circumstances, deeply to be deplored; and + we have selected one of a most atrocious kind which recently + took place, and is recorded as follows:— + + <i>Prostitution</i>. + + "An unfortunate girl, apparently about eighteen years of + age, and of the most interesting and handsome person, but + whose attire indicated extreme poverty and distress, applied + to the sitting magistrate, Richard Bimie, Esq. under the + following circum-stances:—It appeared from the statement, + that she had for the last three weeks been living at a house + of ill fame in Exeter-street, Strand, kept by a man named + James Locke: this wretch had exacted the enormous sum of + three guineas per week for her board and lodging, and in + consequence of her not being able to pay the sum due for the + last week, he threatened to strip her of her cloaths, and + turn her naked into the street. This threat he deferred + executing until yesterday morning (having in the mean time + kept her locked up in a dark room, without any covering + whatever,) when in lieu of her cloaths, he gave her the + tattered and loathsome garments she then appeared in, which + were barely sufficient to preserve common decency, and then + brutally turned her into the street. Being thus plunged into + the most abject wretchedness, without money or friends, to + whom she could apply in her present situation, her bodily + strength exhausted by the dissipated life she had led, and + rendered more so by a long abstinence from food; her spirits + broken and overcome by the bitter and humiliating + reflection, that her own guilty conduct debarred her from + flying to the fostering arms of affectionate parents, whom + she had loaded with disgrace and misery; and the now + inevitable exposure of her infamy, it was some time ere her + wandering senses were sufficiently composed to determine + what course she should pursue in the present emergency, when + she thought she could not do better than have recourse to + the justice of her country against the villain Lock, who had + so basely treated her; and after extreme pain and + difficulty, she succeeded in dragging her enfeebled limbs to + the Office. During the detail of the foregoing particulars, + she seemed overwhelmed with shame and remorse, and at times + sobbed so violently as to render her voice inarticulate. Her + piteous case excited the attention and sympathy of all + present; and it was much to the general satisfaction that + Mr. Bimie ordered Humphries, one of the conductors of the + Patrol, to fetch Lock to the Office. On being brought there, + the necessary proceedings were gone into for the purpose of + indicting the house as a common brothel. + + "It was afterwards discovered that this unhappy girl was of + the most respectable parents, and for the last six years had + been residing with her Aunt. About three months ago, some + difference having arisen between them, she absconded, taking + with her only a few shillings, and the clothes she then + wore. The first night of her remaining from home she went to + Drury-lane Theatre, and was there pick'd up by a genteel + woman dressed in black, who having learned her situation, + enticed her to a house in Hart-street, Covent-garden, where + the ruin of the poor girl was finally effected. It was not + until she had immersed herself in vice and folly that she + reflected on her situation, and it was then too late to + retract; and after suffering unheard of miseries, was, in + the short space of three months, reduced to her present + state of wretchedness. + + "The worthy Magistrate ordered that proper care should be + taken of the girl, which was readily undertaken on the part + of the parish. + + "The Prisoner set up a defence, in which he said, a friend + of the girl's owed him 14L. and that he detained her clothes + for it—but was stopped by Mr. Bimie. + + "He at first treated the matter very lightly; but on + perceiving the determination on the part of the parish to + proceed, he offered to give up the things. This however he + was not allowed to do." +</pre> + <p> + (who are exercising all their arts to entrap customers) apparently full of + life and vivacity, who perhaps dare not approach <span class="pagenum">[142]</span>their + homes without the produce of their successful blandishments. But this is + not a place for moralizing—a truce to Old Care and the Blue Devils—Come + on, my boy, let us take a turn in the Lobby— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Banish sorrow, griefs a folly; + Saturn, bend thy wrinkled brow; + Get thee hence, dull Melancholy, + Mirth and wine invite us now. + + Love displays his mine of treasure, + Comus brings us mirth and song!; + Follow, follow, follow pleasure, + Let us join the jovial throng." +</pre> + <p> + Upon this they adjourned to the Lobby, where a repetition of similar + circumstances took place, with only this difference, that Tally ho having + already been seen in the Saloon, and now introduced, leaning upon the arm + of his Cousin, the enticing goddesses of pleasure hung around them at + every step, every one anxious to be foremost in their assiduities to catch + the new-comer's smile; and the odds were almost a cornucopia to a + cabbage-net that Bob would be hook'd. + </p> + <p> + Tom was still evidently disappointed, and after pacing the Lobby once or + twice, and whispering Bob to make his observations the subject of future + inquiry, they returned to the Saloon, where Sparkle met them almost out of + breath, declaring he had been hunting them in all parts of the House for + the last half hour. + </p> + <p> + Tom laugh'd heartily at this, and complimented Sparkle on the ingenuity + with which he managed his affairs. "But I see how it is," said he, "and I + naturally suppose you are engaged." + </p> + <p> + "'Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,' and I perceive clearly that you + are only disappointed that you are not engaged—where are all your <i>golden</i>{1} + dreams now?" + </p> + <p> + "Pshaw! there is no such thing as speaking to you," said Tom, rather + peevishly, "without feeling a lash like a cart-whip." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This was a touch of the satirical which it appears did not + exactly suit the taste of Dashall, as it applied to the + Ladybird who had attracted his attention on entering the + house. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[143]</span>"Merely in return," continued Sparkle, + "for the genteel, not to say gentle manner, in which you handle the + horse-whip." + </p> + <p> + "There is something very mulish in all this," said Bob, interrupting the + conversation, "I don't understand it." + </p> + <p> + "Nor I neither," said Tom, leaving the arm of his Cousin, and stepping + forward. + </p> + <p> + This hasty dismissal of the subject under debate had been occasioned by + the appearance of a Lady, whose arm Tom immediately took upon leaving that + of his cousin, a circumstance which seemed to restore harmony to all + parties. Tallyho and Sparkle soon joined them, and after a few turns for + the purpose of seeing, and being seen, it was proposed to adjourn to the + Oyster-shop directly opposite the front of the Theatre; and with that view + they in a short time departed, but not without an addition of two other + ladies, selected from the numerous frequenters of the Saloon, most of whom + appeared to be well known both to Tom and Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + The appearance of the outside was very pleasing—the brilliance of + the lights—the neat and cleanly style in which its contents were + displayed seemed inviting to appetite, and in a very short time a cheerful + repast was served up; while the room was progressively filling with + company, and Mother P——was kept in constant activity. + </p> + <p> + Bob was highly gratified with the company, and the manner in which they + were entertained. + </p> + <p> + A vast crowd of dashing young Beaux and elegantly dressed Belles, calling + about them for oysters, lobsters, salmon, shrimps, bread and butter, + soda-water, ginger-beer, &c. kept up a sort of running accompaniment + to the general conversation in which they were engaged; when the mirth and + hilarity of the room was for a moment delayed upon the appearance of a + dashing Blade, who seemed as he entered to say to himself, + </p> + <p> + "Plebeians, avaunt! I have altered my plan, Metamorphosed completely, + behold a Fine Man! That is, throughout town I am grown quite the rage, The + meteor of fashion, the Buck of the age." + </p> + <p> + He was dressed in the extreme of fashion, and seemed desirous of imparting + the idea of his great importance to all around him: he had a + light-coloured great-coat with immense mother o' pearl buttons and double + <span class="pagenum">[144]</span>capes, Buff or Petersham breeches, and + coat of <i>sky-blue</i>,{1} his hat cocked on one side, and stout + ground-ashen stick in his hand. It was plain to be seen that the juice of + the grape had been operative upon the upper story, as he reeled to the + further end of the room, and, calling the attendant, desired her to bring + him a bottle of soda-water, for he was <i>lushy</i>,{2} by G——d; + then throwing himself into a box, which he alone occupied, he stretched + himself at length on the seat, and seemed as if he would go to sleep. + </p> + <p> + "That (said Sparkle) is a distinguished Member of the Tilbury Club, and is + denominated a Ruffian, a kind of character that gains ground, as to + numbers, over the Exquisite, but he is very different in polish. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A partiality to these coloured habits is undoubtedly + intended to impress upon the minds of plebeian beholders an + exalted idea of their own consequence, or to prove, perhaps, + that their conceptions are as superior to common ones as the + sky is to the earth. + + 2 The variety of denominations that have at different times + been given to drunkenness forms an admirable specimen of + ingenuity well worthy of remark. The derivation of Lushy, we + believe, is from a very common expression, that a drunken + man votes for Lushington; but perhaps it would be rather + difficult to discover the origin of many terms made use of + to express a jolly good fellow, and no flincher under the + effects of good fellowship. It is said—that he is drunk, + intoxicated, fuddled, muddled, flustered, rocky, reely, + tipsy, merry, half-boosy, top-heavy, chuck-full, cup-sprung, + pot-valiant, maudlin, a little how came you so, groggy, + jolly, rather mightitity, in drink, in his cups, high, in + uubibus, under the table, slew'd, cut, merry, queer, quisby, + sew'd up, over-taken, elevated, cast away, concerned, half- + coek'd, exhilarated, on a merry pin, a little in the suds, + in a quandary, wing'd as wise as Solomon. +</pre> + <p> + It is also said, that he has business on both sides of the way, got his + little hat on, bung'd his eye, been in the sun, got a spur in his head, + (this is frequently used by brother Jockeys to each other) got a crumb in + his beard, had a little, had enough, got more than he can carry, been + among the Philistines, lost his legs, been in a storm, got his night-cap + on, got his skin full, had a cup too much, had his cold tea, a red eye, + got his dose, a pinch of snuff in his wig, overdone it, taken draps, + taking a lunar, sugar in his eye, had his wig oil'd, that he is diddled, + dish'd and done up. + </p> + <p> + He clips the King's English, sees double, reels, heels a little, heels and + sets, shews his hob-nails, looks as if he couldn't help it, takes an + observation, chases geese, loves a drap, and cannot sport a right line, + can't walk a chalk. + </p> + <p> + He is as drunk as a piper, drunk as an owl, drunk as David's sow, drunk as + a lord, fuddled as an ape, merry as a grig, happy as a king. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[145]</span>"In the higher circles, a Ruffian is one + of the many mushroom-productions which the sun of prosperity brings to + life. Stout in general is his appearance, but Dame Nature has done little + for him, and Fortune has spoilt even that little. To resemble his groom + and his coachman is his highest ambition. He is a perfect horseman, a + perfect whip, but takes care never to be a perfect gentleman. His + principal accomplishments are sporting, swaggering, milling, drawing, and + greeking.{1} He takes the ribands in his hands, mounts his box, with + Missus by his side—"All right, ya hip, my hearties"—drives his + empty mail with four prime tits—cuts out a Johnny-raw—shakes + his head, and lolls out his tongue at him; and if he don't break his own + neck, gets safe home after his morning's drive. + </p> + <p> + "He is always accompanied by a brace at least of dogs in his morning + visits; and it is not easy to determine on these occasions which is the + most troublesome animal of the two, the biped or the quadruped." + </p> + <p> + This description caused a laugh among the Ladybirds, who thought it vastly + amusing, while it was also listened to with great attention by Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + The Hon. Tom Dashall in the mean time was in close conversation with his + mott{2} in the corner of the Box, and was getting, as Sparkle observed, + "rather nutty{3} in that quarter of the globe." + </p> + <p> + The laugh which concluded Sparkle's account of the Tilbury-club man roused + him from his sleep, and also attracted the attention of Tom and his + inamorata. + </p> + <p> + "D——n my eyes," said the fancy cove, as he rubbed open his + peepers,{4}" am I awake or asleep?—what a h——ll of a + light there is!" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Greeking—An epithet generally applied to gambling and + gamblers, among the polished hells of society, principally + to be found in and near St. James's: but of this more + hereafter. + + 2 Mott—A blowen, or woman of the town. We know not from + whom or whence the word originated, but we recollect some + lines of an old song in which the term is made use of, viz. + + "When first I saw this flaming Mutt, + 'Twas at the sign of the Pewter Pot; + We call'd for some Purl, and we had it hot, + With Gin and Bitters too." + + 3 Nutty—Amorous. + + 4 An elegant and expressive term for the eyes. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[146]</span>This was followed immediately by the + rattling of an engine with two torches, accompanied by an immense + concourse of people following it at full speed past the window. + </p> + <p> + "It is well lit, by Jove," said the sleeper awake, "where ever it is;" and + with that he tipp'd the <i>slavey</i>{1}1 a tanner,{2} and mizzled. + </p> + <p> + The noise and confusion outside of the House completely put a stop to all + harmony and comfort within. + </p> + <p> + "It must be near us," said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "It is Covent Garden Theatre, in my opinion," said Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + Bob said nothing, but kept looking about him in a sort + </p> + <p> + of wild surprise. + </p> + <p> + "However," said Tom, "wherever it is, we must go and have a peep." + </p> + <p> + "You are a very gallant fellow, truly," said one of the bewitchers—"I + thought—" + </p> + <p> + "And so did I," said Tom—"but 'rest the babe—the time it shall + come'—never mind, we won't be disappointed; but here, (said he) as I + belong to the Tip and Toddle Club, I don't mean to disgrace my calling, by + forgetting my duty." And slipping a something into her hand, her note was + immediately changed into, + </p> + <p> + "Well, I always thought you was a trump, and I likes a man that behaves + like a gentleman." + </p> + <p> + Something of the same kind was going on between the other two, which + proved completely satisfactory. + </p> + <p> + "So then, Mr. Author, it seems you have raised a fire to stew the oysters, + and leave your Readers to feast upon the blaze." + </p> + <p> + "Hold for a moment, and be not so testy, and for your satisfaction I can + solemnly promise, that if the oysters are stewed, you shall have good and + sufficient notice of the moment they are to be on table—But, bless + my heart, how the fire rages!—I can neither spare time nor wind to + parley a moment longer—Tom and Bob have already started off with the + velocity of a race-horse, and if I lose them, I should cut but a poor + figure with my Readers afterward. + </p> + <p> + "Pray, Sir, can you tell me where the fire is?" 'Really, Sir, I don't + know, but I am told it is somewhere by Whitechapel.' + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Slaveys—Servants of either sex. + + 2 Tanner—A flash term for a sixpence. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[147]</span>"Could you inform me Madam, whereabouts + the fire is?" + </p> + <p> + 'Westminster Road, Sir, as I am informed.' "Westminster, and Whitechapel—some + little difference of opinion I find as usual—however, I have just + caught sight of Tom, and he's sure to be on the right scent; so adieu, Mr. + Reader, for the present, and have no doubt but I shall soon be able to + throw further light on the subject." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Some folks in the streets, by the Lord, made me stare, + So comical, droll, is the dress that they wear, + For the Gentlemen's waists are atop of their backs, + And their large cassock trowsers they tit just like sacks. + Then the Ladies—their dresses are equally queer, + They wear such large bonnets, no face can appear: + It puts me in mind, now don't think I'm a joker, + Of a coal-scuttle stuck on the head of a poker. + In their bonnets they wear of green leaves such a power, + It puts me in mind of a great cauliflower; + And their legs, 1 am sure, must be ready to freeze, + For they wear all their petticoats up to their knees. + They carry large bags full of trinkets and lockets, + 'Cause the fashion is now not to wear any pockets; + "While to keep off the flies, and to hide from beholders, + A large cabbage-net is thrown over their shoulders." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[148]</span>IN a moment all was consternation, + confusion, and alarm. The brilliant light that illuminated the surrounding + buildings presented a scene of dazzling splendour, mingled with sensations + of horror not easily to be described. The rattling of engines, the + flashing of torches, and the shouting of thousands, by whom they were + followed and surrounded, all combined to give lively interest to the + circumstance. + </p> + <p> + It was quickly ascertained that the dreadful conflagration had taken place + at an extensive Timber-yard, within a very short distance of the Theatres, + situated as it were nearly in the centre, between Covent Garden and Drury + Lane. Men, women, and children, were seen running in all directions; and + report, with his ten thousand tongues, here found an opportunity for the + exercise of them all; assertion and denial followed each other in rapid + succession, while the flames continued to increase. Our party being thus + abruptly disturbed in their anticipated enjoyments, bade adieu to their + Doxies,{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Doxies—A flash term frequently made use of to denominate + ladies of easy virtue. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[149]</span>and rushed forward to the spot, where + they witnessed the devouring ravages of the yet unquenched element, + consuming with resistless force all that came in its way. + </p> + <p> + "Button up," said Tom, "and let us keep together, for upon these + occasions, + </p> + <p> + "The Scamps,{1} the Pads,{2} the Divers,{3} are all upon the lay."{4} + </p> + <p> + The Flash Molishers,{5} in the vicinity of Drury Lane, were out in + parties, and it was reasonable to suppose, that where there was so much + heat, considerable thirst must also prevail; consequently the Sluiceries + were all in high request, every one of those in the neighbourhood being + able to boast of overflowing Houses, without any imputation upon their + veracity. We say nothing of elegant genteel, or enlightened audiences, so + frequently introduced in the Bills from other houses in the neighbourhood; + even the door-ways were block'd up with the collectors and imparters of + information. Prognostications as to how and where it began, how it would + end, and the property that would be consumed, were to be met at every + corner—Snuffy Tabbies, and Boosy Kids, some giving way to + jocularity, and others indulging in lamentations. + </p> + <p> + "Hot, hot, hot, all hot," said a Black man, as he pushed in and out among + the crowd; with "Hoot awa', the de'il tak your soul, mon, don't you think + we are all hot eneugh?—gin ye bring more hot here I'll crack your + croon—I've been roasting alive for the last half hoor, an' want to + be ganging, but I can't get out." + </p> + <p> + "Hot, hot, hot, all hot, Ladies and Gentlemen," said the dingy dealer in + delicacies, and almost as soon disappeared among the crowd, where he found + better opportunities for vending his rarities. + </p> + <p> + "Lumps of pudding," said Tom, jerking Tallyho by the arm, "what do you + think of a slice? here's accommodation for you—all hot, ready + dress'd, and well done." + </p> + <p> + "Egad!" said Bob, "I think we shall be well done ourselves presently." + </p> + <p> + "Keep your hands out of my pockets, you lousy beggar," + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Scamps—Highwaymen. + + 2 Pads—Foot-pads. + + 3 Divers—Pickpockets. + + 4 The Lay—Upon the look-out for opportunities for the + exercise of their profession. + + 5 Flash Molishers—a term given to low Prostitutes. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[150]</span>said a tall man standing near them, "or + b—— me if I don't mill you." + </p> + <p> + "You mill me, vhy you don't know how to go about it, Mr. Bully Brag, and I + doesn't care half a farden for you—you go for to say as how I—" + </p> + <p> + "Take that, then," said the other, and gave him a floorer; but he was + prevented from falling by those around him. + </p> + <p> + The salute was returned in good earnest, and a random sort of fight + ensued. The accompaniments of this exhibition were the shrieks of the + women, and the shouts of the partisans of each of the Bruisers—the + cries of "Go it, little one—stick to it—tip it him—sarve + him out—ring, ring—give 'em room—foul, foul—fair, + fair," &c." At this moment the Firemen, who had been actively engaged + in endeavours to subdue the devouring flames, obtained a supply of water: + the engines were set to work, and the Foreman directed the pipe so as to + throw the water completely into the mob which had collected round them. + This had the desired effect of putting an end to the squabble, and + dispersing a large portion of the multitude, at least to some distance, so + as to leave good and sufficient room for their operations. + </p> + <p> + "The Devil take it," cried Sparkle, "I am drench'd." + </p> + <p> + "Ditto repeated," said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "Curse the fellow," cried Bob, "I am sopp'd." + </p> + <p> + "Never mind," continued Tom, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + . . . "By fellowship in woe, + Scarce half our pain we know." +</pre> + <p> + "Since we are all in it, there is no laughing allowed." + </p> + <p> + In a short time, the water flowed through the street in torrents; the + pumping of the engines, and the calls of the Firemen, were all the noises + that could be heard, except now and then the arrival of additional + assistance. + </p> + <p> + Bob watched minutely the skill and activity of those robust and hardy men, + who were seen in all directions upon the tops of houses, &c. near the + calamitous scene, giving information to those below; and he was astonished + to see the rapidity with which they effected their object. + </p> + <p> + Having ascertained as far as they could the extent of the damage, and that + no lives were lost, Tom proposed a move, and Sparkle gladly seconded the + motion—"for," said he, "I am so wet, though I cannot complain of + being <span class="pagenum">[151]</span>cold, that I think I resemble the + fat man who seemed something like two single gentlemen roll'd into one,' + and 'who after half a year's baking declared he had been so cursed hot, he + was sure he'd caught cold;' so come along." + </p> + <p> + "Past twelve o'clock," said a Charley, about three parts sprung, and who + appeared to have more light in his head than he could shew from his + lantern. + </p> + <p> + "Stop thief, stop thief," was vociferated behind them; and the night + music, the rattles, were in immediate use in several quarters—a rush + of the crowd almost knock'd Bob off his pins, and he would certainly have + fell to the ground, but his nob{l} came with so much force against the + bread-basket{2} of the groggy guardian of the night, that he was turn'd + keel upwards,{3} and rolled with his lantern, staff, and rattle, into the + overflowing kennel; a circumstance which perhaps had really no bad effect, + for in all probability it brought the sober senses of the Charley a little + more into action than the juice of the juniper had previously allowed. He + was dragged from his birth, and his coat, which was of the blanket kind, + brought with it a plentiful supply of the moistening fluid, being + literally sous'd from head to foot. + </p> + <p> + Bob fished for the <i>darkey</i>{4}—the <i>musical instrument</i>{5}—and + the post of honour, alias the <i>supporter of peace</i>;{6} but he was not + yet complete, for he had dropped his <i>canister-cap</i>,{7} which was at + length found by a flash molisher, and drawn from the pool, full of water, + who appeared to know him, and swore he was one of the best fellows on any + of the beats round about; and that they had got hold of a Fire-prigger,{8} + and bundled{9} him off to St. Giles's watch-house, because he was bolting + with a <i>bag of togs</i>. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Nob—The head. + + 2 Bread-basket—The stomach. + + 3 Keel upwards—Originally a sea phrase, and most in use + among sailors, &c. + + 4 Darkey—Generally made use of to signify a dark lantern. + + 5 Musical instrument—a rattle. + + 6 Post of honour, or supporter of his peace—Stick, or + cudgel. + + 7 "Canister-cap—& hat. + + 8 Fire-prigger—No beast of prey can be more noxious to + society or destitute of feeling than those who plunder the + unfortunate sufferers under that dreadful and destructive + calamity, fire. The tiger who leaps on the unguarded + passenger will fly from the fire, and the traveller shall be + protected by it; while these wretches, who attend on fires, + and rob the unfortunate sufferers under pretence of + coming to give assistance, and assuming the style and manner + of neighbours, take advantage of distress and confusion. + Such wretches have a more eminent claim to the detestation + of society, than almost any other of those who prey upon it. + + 9 Bundled—Took, or conveyed. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[152]</span>The feeble old scout shook his dripping + wardrobe, d——d the water and the boosy kid that wallof'd him + into it, but without appearing to know which was him; till Bob stepped up, + and passing some silver into his mawley, told him he hoped he was not + hurt. And our party then, moved on in the direction for Russel-street, + Covent-garden, when Sparkle again mentioned his wet condition, and + particularly recommended a glass of Cogniac by way of preventive from + taking cold. "A good motion well made (said Tom;) and here we are just by + the Harp, where we can be fitted to a shaving; so come along." + </p> + <p> + Having taken this, as Sparkle observed, very necessary precaution, they + pursued their way towards Piccadilly, taking their route under the Piazzas + of Covent-garden, and thence up James-street into Long-acre, where they + were amused by a circumstance of no very uncommon kind in London, but + perfectly new to Tallyho. Two Charleys had in close custody a sturdy young + man (who was surrounded by several others,) and was taking him to the + neighbouring watch-house "What is the matter?" said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, 'tis only a little bit of a dead body-snatcher," said one of the + guardians. "He has been up to the resurrection rig.{1} Here," continued + he, "I've got the bone-basket," + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Resurrection rig—This subject, though a grave one, has + been treated by many with a degree of comicality calculated + to excite considerable risibility. A late well known + humorist has related the following anecdote: + + Some young men, who had been out upon the spree, returning + home pretty well primed after drinking plentifully, found + themselves so dry as they passed a public house where they + were well known, they could not resist the desire they had + of calling on their old friend, and taking a glass of brandy + with him by way of finish, as they termed it; and finding + the door open, though it was late, were tempted to walk in. + But their old friend was out of temper. "What is the + matter?"—"Matter enough," replied Boniface; "here have I + got an old fool of a fellow occupying my parlour dead drunk, + and what the devil to do with him I don't know. He can + neither walk nor speak." + + "Oh," said one of the party, who knew that a resurrection + Doctor resided in the next street, "I'll remove that + nuisance, if that's all you have to complain of; only lend + me a sack, and I'll sell him." + + A sack was produced, and the Bacchanalian, who + almost appeared void of animation, was without much + difficulty thrust into it. "Give me a lift," said the + frolicsome blade, and away he went with the load. On + arriving at the doctor's door, he pulled the night bell, + when the Assistant made his appearance, not un-accustomed to + this sort of nocturnal visitant. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[153]</span>holding up a bag, "and it was taken off + his shoulder as he went along Mercer-street, so he can't say nothing at + all. + </p> + <p> + "I have brought you a subject—all right." + </p> + <p> + "Come in. What is it, a man or a woman?" + </p> + <p> + "A man." + </p> + <p> + "Down with him—that corner. D——n it, I was fast asleep. + </p> + <p> + "Call for the sack in the morning, will you, for I want to get to bed." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart." + </p> + <p> + Then going to a drawer, and bringing the customary fee, "Here, (said he) + be quick and be off." This was exactly what the other wanted; and having + secured the rubbish,{1} the door was shut upon him. This, however, was no + sooner done, than the Boosy Kid in the sack, feeling a sudden internal + turn of the contents of his stomach, which brought with it a heaving, + fell, from the upright situation in which he had been placed, on the + floor. This so alarmed the young Doctor, that he ran with all speed after + the vender, and just coming up to him at the corner of the street. + </p> + <p> + "Why, (said he) you have left me a living man!" + </p> + <p> + "Never mind, (replied the other;) kill him when you want him." And making + good use of his heels he quickly disappeared. + </p> + <p> + A Comedian of some celebrity, but who is now too old for theatrical + service, relates a circumstance which occurred to him upon his first + arrival in town:— + </p> + <p> + Having entered into an engagement to appear upon the boards of one of the + London Theatres, he sought the metropolis some short time before the + opening of the House; and conceiving it necessary to his profession to + study life—real life as it is,—he was accustomed to mingle + promiscuously in almost all society. With this view he frequently entered + the tap rooms of the lowest public houses, to enjoy his pipe and his pint, + keeping the main object always in view— + </p> + <p> + "To catch the manners living as they rise." + </p> + <p> + Calling one evening at one of these houses, not far from Drury Lane, he + found some strapping fellows engaged in conversation, interlarded with + much flash and low slang; but decently dressed, he mingled in a sort of + general dialogue with them on the state of the weather, politics, &c. + After sitting some time in their company, and particularly noticing their + persons and apparent character— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Come, Bill, it is time to be off, it is getting rather + darkish." "Ah, very well (replied the other,) let us have + another quart, and then I am your man for a bit of a lark." + By this time they had learned that the Comedian was but + newly arrived in town; and he on the other hand was desirous + of seeing what they meant to be up to. After another quart + they were about to move, when, said one to the other, "As we + are only going to have a stroll and a bit of fun, perhaps + that there young man would like to join us." + + "Ah, what say you, Sir? have you any objection? but perhaps + you have business on hand and are engaged—" + + "No, I have nothing particular to do," was the reply. "Very + well, then if you like to go with us, we shall be glad of + your company." + + "Well (said he,) I don't care if I do spend an hour with + you." And with that they sallied forth. + + After rambling about for some time in the vicinity of + Tottenham Court Road, shewing him some of the Squares, &c. + describing the names of streets, squares, and buildings, + they approached St. Giles's, and leading him under a + gateway, "Stop, (said one) we must call upon Jack, you know, + for old acquaintance sake," and gave a loud knock at the + door; which being opened without a word, they all walked in, + and the door was instantly lock'd. He was now introduced to + a man of squalid appearance, with whom they all shook hands: + the mode of introduction was not however of so satis-factory + a description as had been expected, being very laconic, and + conveyed in the following language:—"We have got him." + + "Yes, yes, it is all right—come, Jack, serve us out some + grog, and then to business." + + The poor Comedian in the mean time was left in the utmost + anxiety and surprise to form an opinion of his situation; + for as he had heard something about trepanning, pressing, + &c. he could not help entertaining serious suspicion that he + should either be com-pelled to serve as a soldier or a + sailor; and as he had no intention "to gain a name in arms," + they were neither of them suitable to his inclinations. + + "Come," (said one) walk up stairs and sit down—Jack, bring + the lush "—and up stairs they went. + + Upon entering a gloomy room, somewhat large, with only a + small candle, he had not much opportunity of discovering + what sort of a place it was, though it looked wretched + enough. The grog was brought—"Here's all round the grave- + stone, (said one)—come, drink away, my hearty—don't be + alarm'd, we are rum fellows, and we'll put you up to a rig + or two—we are got a rum covey in the corner there, and you + must lend us a hand to get rid of him:" then, holding up the + light, what was the surprise of the poor Comedian to espy a + dead body of a man—"You can help us to get him away, and + by G——you shall, too, it's of no use to flinch now." + + A circumstance of this kind was new to him, so that his + perplexity was only increased by the discovery; but he + plainly perceived by the last declaration, that having + engaged in the business, it would be of no use to leave it + half done: he therefore remained silent upon the subject, + drank his grog, when Jack came up stairs to say the cart was + ready. + + "Lend a hand, (said one of them) let us get our load down + stairs—come, my Master, turn to with a good heart, all's + right." + + With this the body was conveyed down stairs. + + At the back of the house was a small yard separated from a + neighbouring street by a wall—a signal was given by some + one on the other side which was understood by those within— + it was approaching nine o'clock, and a dark night—"Come, + (said one of them,) mount you to the top of the wall, and + ding the covey over to the carcass-carter." This being + complied with, the dead body was handed up to him, which was + no sooner done than the Carman outside, perceiving the + Watchman approach—"It von't do," said he, and giving a + whistle, drove his cart with an assumed air of carelessness + away; while the poor Comedian, who had a new character to + support, in which he did not conceive himself well up,{1} + was holding the dead man on his lap with the legs projecting + over the wall; it was a situation of the utmost delicacy and + there was no time to recast the part, he was therefore, + obliged to blunder through it as well as he could; the + perspiration of the living man fell plentifully on the + features of the dead as the Charley approached in a position + to pass directly under him. Those inside had sought the + shelter of the house, telling him to remain quiet till the + old Scout was gone by. Now although he was not fully + acquainted with the consequences of discovery, he was + willing and anxious to avoid them: he therefore took the + advice, and scarcely moved or breathed—"Past nine o'clock," + said the Watchman, as he passed under the legs of the dead + body without looking up, though he was within an inch of + having his castor brushed off by them. Being thus relieved, + he was happy to see the cart return; he handed over the + unpleasant burthen, and as quick as possible afterwards + descended from his elevated situation into the street, + determining at all hazards to see the result of this to him + extraordinary adventure; with this view he followed the cart + at a short distance, keeping his eye upon it as he went + along; and in one of the streets leading to Long Acre, he + perceived a man endeavouring to look into the back part of + the cart, but was diverted from his object by one of the men + who had introduced him to the house, while another of the + confederates snatched the body from the cart, and ran with + all speed down another street in an opposite direction. This + movement had attracted the notice of the Watchman, who, + being prompt in his movements, had sprung his rattle. Upon + this, and feeling himself too heavily laden to secure his + retreat, the fellow with the dead man perceiving the gate of + an area open, dropped his burden down the steps, slam'd the + gate after him, and continued to fly, but was stopped at the + end of the street; in the mean time the Charley in pursuit + had knock'd at the door of the house where the stolen goods + (as he supposed) were deposited. + + 1 A cant phrase for money. + + It was kept by an old maiden lady, who, upon discovering the + dead body of a man upon her premises, had fainted in the + Watchman's arms. The detection of the running + Resurrectionist was followed by a walk to the watch-house, + where his companions endeavoured to make it appear that they + had all been dining at Wandsworth together, that he was not + the person against whom the hue and cry had been raised. But + <i>old Snoosey</i>{l} said it wouldn't do, and he was therefore + detained to appear before the Magistrate in the morning. The + Comedian, who had minutely watched their proceedings, took + care to be at Bow-street in good time; where he found upon + the affidavits of two of his comrades, who swore they had + dined together at Wandsworth, their pal was liberated. + + 1 The Constable of the night. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[156]</span>Bob could not very well understand what + was the meaning of this lingo; he was perfectly at a loss to comprehend + the terms of deadbody snatching and the resurrection rig. The crowd + increased as they went along; and as they did not exactly relish their + company, Sparkle led. them across the way, and then proceeded to explain. + </p> + <p> + "Why," said Sparkle, "the custom of dead-body snatching has become very + common in London, and in many cases appears to be winked at by the + Magistrates; for although it is considered a felony in law, it is also + acknowledged in some degree to be necessary for the Surgeons, in order to + have an opportunity of obtaining practical information. It is however, at + the same time, a source of no slight distress to the parents and friends + of the parties who are dragg'd from the peaceful security of the tomb. The + <i>Resurrection-men</i> are generally well rewarded for their labours by + the Surgeons who employ them to procure subjects; they are for the most + part fellows who never stick at trifles, but make a decent livelihood by + moving off, if they can, not only the bodies, but coffins, shrouds, &c. + and are always upon the look-out wherever there is a funeral—nay, + there have been instances in which the bodies have been dug from their + graves within a few hours after being deposited there." + </p> + <p> + "It is a shameful practice," said Bob, "and ought not to be tolerated, + however; nor can I conceive how, with the apparent vigilance of the + Police, it can be carried on." + </p> + <p> + "Nothing more easy," said Sparkle, "where the plan is well laid. These + fellows, when they hear a passing-bell toll, skulk about the parish from + ale-house to ale-house, till <span class="pagenum">[157]</span>they can + learn a proper account of what the deceased died of, what condition the + body is in, &c. with which account they go to a <i>Resurrection Doctor</i>, + who agrees for a price, which is mostly five guineas, for the body of a + man, and then bargain with an Undertaker for the shroud, coffin, &c. + which, perhaps with a little alteration, may serve to run through the + whole family." + </p> + <p> + "And is it possible," said Bob, "that there are persons who will enter + into such bargains?" + </p> + <p> + "No doubt of it; nay, there was an instance of a man really selling his + own body to a Surgeon, to be appropriated to his own purposes when dead, + for a certain weekly sum secured to him while living; but in robbing the + church-yards there are always many engaged in the rig—for notice is + generally given that the body will be removed in the night, to which the + Sexton is made privy, and receives the information with as much ease as he + did to have it brought—his price being a guinea for the use of the + <i>grubbing irons</i>, adjusting the grave, &c. This system is + generally carried on in little country church-yards within a few miles of + London. A hackney-coach or a cart is ready to receive the stolen property, + and there cannot be a doubt but many of these depredations are attended + with success, the parties escaping with their prey undetected—nay, I + know of an instance that occurred a short time back, of a young man who + was buried at Wesley's Chapel, on which occasion one of the mourners, a + little more wary than the rest, could not help observing two or three + rough fellows in the ground during the ceremony, which aroused his + suspicion that they intended after interment to have the body of his + departed friend; this idea became so strongly rooted in his mind, that he + imparted his suspicions to the remainder of those who had followed him: + himself and another therefore determined if possible to satisfy themselves + upon the point, by returning in the dusk of the evening to reconnoitre. + They accordingly proceeded to the spot, but the gates being shut, one of + them climbed to the top of the wall, where he discovered the very parties, + he had before noticed, in the act of wrenching open the coffin. Here they + are, said he, hard at it, as I expected. But before he and his friend + could get over the wall, the villains effected their escape, leaving + behind them a capacious sack and all the implements of their infernal + trade. They secured the body, had <span class="pagenum">[158]</span>it + conveyed home again, and in a few days re-buried it in a place of greater + security.{1} + </p> + <p> + Bob was surprised at this description of the <i>Resurrection-rig</i>, but + was quickly drawn from his contemplation of the depravity of human nature, + and what he could not help thinking the dirty employments of life, by a + shouting apparently from several voices as they passed the end of St. + Martin's Lane: it came from about eight persons, who appeared to be + journeymen mechanics, with pipes in their mouths, some of them rather <i>rorytorious</i>,{2} + who, as they approached, broke altogether into the following + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + SONG.{3} + + "I'm a frolicsome young fellow, I live at my ease, + I work when I like, and I play when I please; + I'm frolicsome, good-natured—I'm happy and free, + And I care not a jot what the world thinks of me. + + With my bottle and glass some hours I pass, + Sometimes with my friend, and sometimes with my lass: + I'm frolicsome, good-natur'd—I'm happy and free, + And I don't care one jot what the world thinks of me. + + By the cares of the nation I'll ne'er be perplex'd, + I'm always good-natur'd, e'en though I am vex'd; + I'm frolicsome, good-humour'd—I'm happy and free, + And I don't care one d——n what the world thinks of me. + + 1 A circumstance very similar to the one here narrated by + Sparkle actually occurred, and can be well authenticated. + + 2 Rorytorious—Noisy. + + 3 This song is not introduced for the elegance of its + composition, but as the Author has actually heard it in the + streets at the flight of night or the peep of day, sung in + full chorus, as plain as the fumes of the pipes and the + hiccups would allow the choristers at those hours to + articulate; and as it is probably the effusion of some + Shopmate in unison with the sentiments of many, it forms + part of Real Life deserving of being recorded in this Work. + + Particular trades have particular songs suitable to the + employment in which they are engaged, which while at work + the whole of the parties will join in. In Spitalfields, + Bethnal-green, &c. principally inhabited by weavers, it is + no uncommon thing to hear twenty or thirty girls singing, + with their shuttles going—The Death of Barbary Allen—There + was an old Astrologer—Mary's Dream, or Death and the Lady; + and we remember a Watch-maker who never objected to hear his + boys sing; but although he was himself a loyal subject, he + declared he could not bear God Save the King; and upon being + ask'd his reason—Why, said he, it is too slow—for as the + time goes, so the fingers move—Give us <i>Drops of Brandy</i>, + or <i>Go to the Devil and Shake Yourself</i>—then I shall have + some work done. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[159]</span>This Song, which was repeated three or + four times, was continued till their arrival at Newport-market, where the + Songsters divided: our party pursued their way through Coventry-street, + and arrived without further adventure or interruption safely at home. + Sparkle bade them adieu, and proceeded to Bond-street; and Tom and Bob + sought the repose of the pillow. + </p> + <p> + It is said that "Music hath charms to sooth the savage breast," and it + cannot but be allowed that the <i>Yo heave ho</i>, of our Sailors, or the + sound of a fiddle, contribute much to the speed of weighing anchor. + </p> + <p> + It is an indisputable fact that there are few causes which more decidedly + form, or at least there are few evidences which more clearly indicate, the + true character of a nation, than its Songs and Ballads. It has been + observed by the learned Selden, that you may see which way the wind sets + by throwing a straw up into the air, when you cannot make the same + discovery by tossing up a stone or other weighty substance. Thus it is + with Songs and Ballads, respecting the state of public feeling, when + productions of a more elaborate nature fail in their elucidations: so much + so that it is related of a great Statesman, who was fully convinced of the + truth of the observation, that he said, "Give me the making of the + national Ballads, and I care not who frames your Laws." Every day's + experience tends to prove the power which the <i>sphere-born</i> Sisters + of harmony, voice, and verse, have over the human mind. "I would rather," + says Mr. Sheridan, "have written Glover's song of 'Hosier's Ghost' than + the Annals of Tacitus."<span class="pagenum">[160]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis! + Sure such a town as this was never seen; + Mayor, common councilmen, citizens and populace, + Wand'ring from Poplar to Turnham Green. + + Chapels, churches, synagogues, distilleries and county banks— + Poets, Jews and gentlemen, apothecaries, mountebanks— + There's Bethlem Hospital, and there the Picture Gallery; + And there's Sadler's Wells, and there the Court of Chancery. + + O such a town, such a wonderful Metropolis, + Sure such a town as this was never seen! + O such a town, and such a heap of carriages, + Sure such a motley group was never seen; + Such a swarm of young and old, of buryings and marriages, + All the world seems occupied in ceaseless din. + + There's the Bench, and there's the Bank—now only take a peep at her— + And there's Rag Fair, and there the East-London Theatre— + There's St. James's all so fine, St. Giles's all in tattery, + Where fun and frolic dance the rig from Saturday to Saturday. + O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis, + Sure such a town as this was never seen! +</pre> + <p> + A SHORT time after this day's ramble, the Hon. Tom Dash all and his friend + Tallyho paid a visit to the celebrated Tattersall's. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page160.jpg" alt="Page160 Tattersall's " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "This," said Tom, "is a great scene of action at times, and you will upon + some occasions find as much business done here as there is on 'Change; the + dealings however are not so fair, though the profits are larger; and if + you observe the characters and the visages of the visitants, it will be + found it is most frequently attended by Turf-Jews and Greeks.{1} Any man + indeed who dabbles in horse-dealing, must, like a gamester, be either a + rook or a pigeon; {2} for horse-dealing is a species of gambling, in which + as many + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Turf-Jews and Greeks—Gamblers at races, trotting- + matches, &c. + + 2 Rooks and Pigeons are frequenters of gaming-houses: the + former signifying the successful adventurer, and the latter + the unfortunate dupe. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[161]</span>depredations are committed upon the + property of the unwary as in any other, and every one engaged in it thinks + it a meritorious act to dupe his chapman. Even noblemen and gentlemen, who + in other transactions of life are honest, will make no scruple of cheating + you in horse-dealing: nor is this to be wondered at when we consider that + the Lord and the Baronet take lessons from their grooms, jockeys, or + coachmen, and the nearer approach they can make to the appearance and + manners of their tutors, the fitter the pupils for turf-men, or gentlemen + dealers; for the school in which they learn is of such a description that + dereliction of principle is by no means surprising—fleecing each + other is an every-day practice—every one looks upon his fellow as a + bite, and young men of fashion learn how to buy and sell, from old whips, + jockeys, or rum ostlers, whose practices have put them up to every thing, + and by such ruffian preceptors are frequently taught to make three + quarters or seventy-five per cent, profit, which is called turning an + honest penny. This, though frequently practised at country fairs, &c. + by horse-jobbers, &c. is here executed with all the dexterity and art + imaginable: for instance, you have a distressed friend whom you know must + sell; you commiserate his situation, and very kindly find all manner of + faults with his horse, and buy it for half its value—you also know a + Green-horn and an extravagant fellow, to whom you sell it for twice its + value, and that is the neat thing. Again, if you have a horse you wish to + dispose of, the same school will afford you instruction how to make the + most of him, that is to say, to conceal his vices and defects, and by + proper attention to put him into condition, to alter his whole appearance + by hogging, cropping, and docking—by patching up his broken knees—blowing + gun-powder in his dim eyes—bishoping, blistering, &c. so as to + turn him out in good twig, scarcely to be known by those who have + frequently seen and noticed him: besides which, at the time of sale one of + these gentry will aid and assist your views by pointing out his + recommendations in some such observations as the following: + </p> + <p> + 'There's a horse truly good and well made. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the appearance of a fine woman! broad breast, round hips, and + long neck. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the countenance, intrepidity, and fire of a lion. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the eye, joint, and nostril of an ox. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[162]</span>'There's the nose, gentleness, and + patience of a lamb. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the strength, constancy, and foot of a mule. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the hair, head, and leg of a deer. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the throat, neck, and hearing of a wolf. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the ear, brush, and trot of a fox. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the memory, sight, and turning of a serpent. + </p> + <p> + 'There's the running, suppleness, and innocence of the hare. + </p> + <p> + "And if a horse sold for sound wind, limb, and eyesight, with all the + gentleness of a lamb, that a child might ride him with safety, should + afterwards break the purchaser's neck, the seller has nothing to do with + it, provided he has received the <i>bit</i>,{1} but laughs at the <i>do</i>.{2} + Nay, they will sometimes sell a horse, warranted to go as steady as ever a + horse went in harness, to a friend, assuring him at the same time that he + has not a fault of any kind—that he is good as ever shoved a head + through a horse-collar; and if he should afterwards rear up in the gig, + and overturn the driver into a ditch, shatter the concern to pieces, spill + Ma'am, and kill both her and the child of promise, the conscientious + Horse-dealer has nothing to do with all this: How could he help it? he + sold the horse for a good horse, and a good horse he was. This is all in + the way of fair dealing. Again, if a horse is sold as sound, and he prove + broken-winded, lame, or otherwise, not worth one fortieth part of the + purchase-money, still it is only a piece of jockeyship—a fair + manouvre, affording opportunities of merriment." + </p> + <p> + "A very laudable sort of company," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "It is rather a mixed one," replied Tom—"it is indeed a complete + mixture of all conditions, ranks, and orders of society. But let us take a + peep at some of them. Do you observe that stout fellow yonder, with a + stick in his hand? he has been a <i>Daisy-kicker</i>, and, by his arts and + contrivances having saved a little money, is now a regular dealer, and may + generally be seen here on selling days." + </p> + <p> + "Daisy-kicker," said Bob, "I don't comprehend the term." + </p> + <p> + "Then I will explain," was the reply. "Daisy-kickers are Ostlers belonging + to large inns, who are known to each other by that title, and you may + frequently hear them + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Bit—A cant term for money. + + 2 Do—Any successful endeavour to over-reach another is by + these gentlemen call'd a do, meaning—so and so has been + done. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[163]</span>ask—When did you sell your + Daisy-kicker or Grogham?—for these terms are made use of among + themselves as cant for a horse. Do you also observe, he is now in close + conversation with a person who he expects will become a purchaser." + </p> + <p> + "And who is he?" + </p> + <p> + "He is no other than a common informer, though in high life; keeps his + carriage, horses, and servants—lives in the first style—he is + shortly to be made a Consul of, and perhaps an Ambassador afterwards. The + first is to all intents and purposes a Lord of Trade, and his Excellency + nothing more than a titled spy, in the same way as a Bailiff is a follower + of the law, and a man out of livery a Knight's companion or a Nobleman's + gentleman." + </p> + <p> + Their attention was at this moment attracted by the appearance of two + persons dressed in the extreme of fashion, who, upon meeting just by them, + caught eagerly hold of each other's hand, and they overheard the following—'Why, + Bill, how am you, my hearty?—where have you been <i>trotting your + galloper</i>?—what is you arter?—how's Harry and Ben?—haven't + seen you this blue moon.'{1} + </p> + <p> + 'All tidy,' was the reply; 'Ben is getting better, and is going to sport a + new curricle, which is now building for him in Long Acre, as soon as he is + recovered.' + </p> + <p> + 'Why what the devil's the matter with him, eh?' + </p> + <p> + 'Nothing of any consequence, only he got mill'd a night or two ago about + his blowen—he had one of his ribs broke, sprained his right wrist, + and sports a <i>painted peeper</i>{2} upon the occasion, that's all.' + </p> + <p> + 'Why you know he's no <i>bad cock</i> at the Fancy, and won't put up with + any gammon.' + </p> + <p> + 'No, but he was lushy, and so he got queer'd—But I say, have you + sold your bay?' + </p> + <p> + 'No, d——n me, I can't get my price.' + </p> + <p> + 'Why, what is it you axes?'{3} + </p> + <p> + 'Only a hundred and thirty—got by Agamemnon. Lord, it's no price at + all—cheap as dirt—But I say, Bill, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Blue moon—This is usually intended to imply a long time. + + 2 Painted peeper—A black eye. + + 3 Axes—Among the swell lads, and those who affect the + characters of knowing coveys, there is a common practice of + endeavouring to coin new words and new modes of expression, + evidently intended to be thought wit; and this affectation + frequently has the effect of creating a laugh. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[164]</span>how do you come on with your grey, and + the pie-bald poney?' + </p> + <p> + 'All right and regular, my boy; matched the poney for a light curricle, + and I swapped{1} the grey for an entire horse—such a rum one—when + will you come and take a peep at him?—all bone, fine shape and + action, figure beyond compare—I made a rare good chop of it.' + </p> + <p> + 'I'm glad to hear it; I'll make a survey, and take a ride with you the + first leisure day; but I'm full of business, no time to spare—I say, + are, you a dealer?' + </p> + <p> + 'No, no, it won't do, I lost too much at the Derby—besides, I must + go and drive my Girl out—<i>Avait, that's the time of day</i>,{2} my + boys—so good by—But if you should be able to pick up a brace + of clever pointers, a prime spaniel, or a greyhound to match Smut, I'm + your man—buy for me, and all's right—price, you know, is out + of the question, I must have them if they are to be got, so look out—bid + and buy; but mind, nothing but prime will do for me—that's the time + of day, you know, d——n me—so good by—I'm off.' And + away he went. + </p> + <p> + "Some great sporting character, I suppose," said Bob—"plenty of + money." + </p> + <p> + "No such thing," said Tom, drawing him on one side—"you will hardly + believe that Bill is nothing more than a Shopman to a Linen-draper, + recently discharged for malpractices; and the other has been a Waiter at a + Tavern, but is now out of place; and they are both upon the sharp look-out + to <i>gammon the flats</i>. The former obtains his present livelihood by + gambling—spends the most of his time in playing cards with <i>greenhorns</i>, + always to be picked up at low flash houses, at fairs, races, + milling-matches, &c. and is also in the holy keeping of the cast-off + mistress of a nobleman whose family he was formerly in as a <i>valet-de-chambre</i>. + The other pretends to teach sparring in the City, and occasionally has a + benefit in the Minories, Duke's Place, and the Fives Court." + </p> + <p> + "They talk it well, however," said Bob. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Swapp'd—Exchanged. + + 2 That's the time of day—That's your sort—that's the + barber—keep moving—what am you arter—what am you up to— + there never was such times—that's the Dandy—Go along Bob, + &c. are ex-pressions that are frequently made use of by the + people of the Metropolis; and indeed fashion seems almost to + have as much to do with our language as with our dress or + manners. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[165]</span>"Words are but wind, many a proud word + comes off a weak stomach," was the reply; "and you may almost expect not + to hear a word of truth in this place, which may be termed The Sporting + Repository—it is the grand mart for horses and for other fashionable + animals—for expensive asses, and all sorts of sporting-dogs, + town-puppies, and second-hand vehicles. Here bets are made for races and + fights—matches are made up here—bargains are struck, and + engagements entered into, with as much form, regularity, and importance, + as the progress of parliamentary proceedings—points of doubt upon + all occasions of jockeyship are decided here; and no man of fashion can be + received into what is termed polished society, without a knowledge of this + place and some of the visitors. The proceedings however are generally so + managed, that the ostlers, the jockeys, the grooms, and the dealers, come + best off, from a superiority of knowledge and presumed judgment—they + have a method of patching up deep matches to <i>diddle the dupes</i>, and + to introduce <i>throws over, doubles, double doubles</i>, to ease the + heavy pockets of their burdens. The system of puffing is also as much in + use here as among the Lottery-office Keepers, the Quack Doctors, or the + Auctioneers; and the __Knowing ones, by an understanding amongst each + other, sell their cattle almost for what they please, if it so happens + they are not immediately in want of the <i>ready</i>,{1} which, by the + way, is an article too frequently in request—and here honest poverty + is often obliged to sell at any rate, while the rich black-leg takes care + only to sell to a good advantage, making a point at the same time not only + to make the most of his cattle, but also of his friend or acquaintance." + </p> + <p> + "Liberal and patriotic-minded men!" said Bob; "it is a noble Society, and + well worthy of cultivation." + </p> + <p> + "It is fashionable Society, at least," continued Tom, "and deserving of + observation, for it is fraught with instruction." + </p> + <p> + "I think so, indeed," was the reply; "but I really begin to suspect that I + shall scarcely have confidence to venture out alone, for there does not + appear to be any part of your wonderful Metropolis but what is infested + with some kind of shark or other." + </p> + <p> + "It is but too true, and it is therefore the more necessary to make + yourself acquainted with them; it is rather a long lesson, but really + deserving of being learnt. You + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The ready—Money. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[166]</span>perceive what sort of company you are + now in, as far as may be judged from their appearances; but they are not + to be trusted, for I doubt not but you would form erroneous conclusions + from such premises. The company that assembles here is generally composed + of a great variety of characters—the Idler, the Swindler, the Dandy, + the Exquisite, the full-pursed young Peer, the needy Sharper, the gaudy + Pauper, and the aspiring School-boy, anxious to be thought a dealer and a + judge of the article before him—looking at a horse with an air of + importance and assumed intelligence, bidding with a trembling voice and + palpitating heart, lest it should be knock'd down to him. Do you see that + dashing fellow nearly opposite to us, in the green frock-coat, top-boots, + and spurs?—do you mark how he nourishes his whip, and how familiar + he seems to be with the knowing old covey in brown?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes; I suppose he is a dealer." + </p> + <p> + "You are right, he is a dealer, but it is in man's flesh, not horse flesh: + he is a <i>Bum trap</i>{1} in search of some friend + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Bum trap—A term pretty generally in use to denominate a + Bailiff or his follower—they are also called Body- + snatchers. The ways and means made use of by these gentry to + make their captions are innumerable: they visit all places, + assume all characters, and try all stratagems, to secure + their friends, in order that they may have an opportunity of + obliging them, which they have a happy facility in doing, + provided the party can <i>bleed free</i>.* Among others, the + following are curious facts: + + A Gentleman, who laboured under some peculiar difficulties, + found it desirable for the sake of his health to retire into + the country, where he secluded himself pretty closely from + the vigilant anxieties of his friends, who were in search of + him and had made several fruitless attempts to obtain an + interview. The Traps having ascertained the place of his + retreat, from which it appeared that nothing but stratagem + could draw him, a knowing old snatch determined to effect + his purpose, and succeeded in the following manner: + + One day as the Gentleman came to his window, he discovered a + man, seemingly in great agitation, passing and re-passing; + at length, however, he stopped suddenly, and with a great + deal of attention fixed his eyes upon a tree which stood + nearly opposite to the window. In a few minutes he returned + to it, pulled out a book, in which he read for a few + minutes, and then drew forth a rope from his pocket, with + which he suspended himself from the tree. The Gentleman, + eager to save the life of a fellow-creature, ran out and cut + him down. This was scarcely accomplished, before he found + the man whom he had rescued (as he thought) from death, + slapp'd him on the shoulder, informed him that he was his + prisoner, and in return robbed him of his liberty! + + Another of these gentry assumed the character of a poor + cripple, and stationed himself as a beggar, sweeping the + crossing near the habitation of his shy cock, who, + conceiving himself safe after three days voluntary + imprisonment, was seized by the supposed Beggar, who threw + away his broom to secure his man. + + Yet, notwithstanding the many artifices to which this + profession is obliged to conform itself, it must be + acknowledged there are many of them who have hearts that + would do honour to more exalted situations; especially when + we reflect, that in general, whatever illiberality or + invective may be cast upon them, they rarely if at all + oppress those who are in their custody, and that they + frequently endeavour to compromise for the Debtor, or at + least recommend the Creditor to accept of those terms which + can be complied with. + + * Bleed free— +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[167]</span>or other, with a writ in his pocket. + These fellows have some protean qualities about them, and, as occasion + requires, assume all shapes for the purpose of taking care of their + customers; they are however a sort of necessary evil. The old one in brown + is a well-known dealer, a deep old file, and knows every one around him—he + is up to the sharps, down upon the flats, and not to be done. But in + looking round you may perceive men booted and spurred, who perhaps never + crossed a horse, and some with whips in their hands who deserve it on + their backs—they hum lively airs, whistle and strut about with their + quizzing-glasses in their hands, playing a tattoo upon their boots, and + shewing themselves off with as many airs as if they were real actors + engaged in the farce, that is to say, the buyers and sellers; when in + truth they are nothing but loungers in search of employment, who may + perhaps have to count the trees in the Park for a dinner without + satisfying the cravings of nature, dining as it is termed with Duke + Humphrey—others, perhaps, who have arrived in safety, are almost + afraid to venture into the streets again, lest they should encounter those + foes to liberty, John Doe and Richard Roe." + </p> + <p> + 'If I do, may I be——' The remainder of the sentence was lost, + by the speaker removing in conversation with another, when Tom turn'd + round. + </p> + <p> + "O," said Tom, "I thought I knew who it was—that is one of the + greatest reprobates in conversation that I ever met with." + </p> + <p> + "And who is he?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, I'll give you a brief sketch of him," continued Dashall: "It is + said, and I fancy pretty well known, <span class="pagenum">[168]</span>that + he has retired upon a small property, how acquired or accumulated I cannot + say; but he has married a Bar-maid of very beautiful features and elegant + form: having been brought up to the bar, she is not unaccustomed to + confinement; but he has made her an absolute prisoner, for he shuts her up + as closely as if she were in a monastery—he never dines at home, and + she is left in complete solitude. He thinks his game all safe, but she has + sometimes escaped the vigilance of her gaoler, and has been seen at places + distant from home.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It is related of this gentleman, whose severity and + vigilance were so harshly spoken of, that one day at table, + a dashing young Military Officer, who, while he was + circulating the bottle, was boasting among his dissipated + friends of his dexterity in conducting the wars of Venus, + that he had a short time back met one of the most lovely + creatures he ever saw, in the King's Road; but he had + learned that her husband so strictly confined and watched + her, that there was no possibility of his being admitted to + her at any hour. + + "Behave handsome, and I'll put you in possession of a gun + that shall bring the game down in spite of locks, bolts and + bars, or even the vigilance of the eyes of Argus himself." + + "How? d——me if I don't stand a ten pound note." + + "How! why easy enough; I've a plan that cannot but succeed— + down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme." + + No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound + note. + + "Now," said the hoary old sinner, little suspecting that he + was to be the dupe of his own artifice: "You get the husband + invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your + friends: You assume the dress of a Postman—give a + thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the + arrival of some important visitor or official communication; + and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her + company is necessary to your existence—that life is a + burden without her—tell her, you know her husband is + engaged, and can't come—that he is dining out with some + jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours—fall + at her feet, and say that, having obtained the interview, + you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must + be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way + to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is plann'd, + the day's your own." + + "Bravo, bravo!" echoed from every one present. + + It was a high thing—the breach thus made, the horn-work was + soon to be carried, and there could be no doubt of a safe + lodgement in the covert-way. + + The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in + Chelsea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry + particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c. + he acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were + agreed upon, and it was deter-mined that the maid-servant, + who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be + dispatched to some house in the neighbour-hood to procure + change, while the man of letters was to be let in and + concealed; and upon her return it was to be stated that the + Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call + again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder + from the window as soon as the old one should be heard upon + the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a + late hour, when he was drunk. + + The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance dined out, + and expected to meet the Colonel; but being disappointed, + and suspicious at all times, for + + "Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind," + + The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved + ineffectual; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could + not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that + some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be + played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired + early. + + His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was + fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest + the servant's suspicions should be aroused. In the mean + time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained + no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very + late hour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and + annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door, + and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first + slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric + matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he + entered the apartment; when, what was the surprise and + astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their + situation! + + The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he + would have satisfaction! that he would commence a civil + suit! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by + half, and was in fact more than he expected;—reminded him + of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting + his amours;—informed him he had performed the character + recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost + choked with rage; but perceiving he had spread a snare for + himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, while the lover + bolted, wishing him a good night, and singing, "Locks, + bolts, and bars, I defy you," as an admirable lesson in + return for the blustering manner in which he had received + information of the success of his own scheme. +</pre> + <p> + "Mr. C—— on the opposite side is a Money-procurer or lender, a + very accommodating sort of person, who négociâtes meetings and engagements + between young borrowers, who care not what they pay for money, and old + lenders, who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interest + for their loans. He is a venerable looking man, and is known to most of + the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in a certain + kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, and was taken + particular notice of by Lord G——, <span class="pagenum">[170]</span>and + indeed by all the turf. He lived a gay and fashionable life, soon run out + his fortune, and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. + He is an excellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjects + his advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among the + generality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At the same + time it ought to be observed, that among the various characters which + infest and injure society, perhaps there are few more practised in guilt, + fraud, and deceit, than the Money-lenders. + </p> + <p> + "They advertise to procure large sums of money to assist those under + pecuniary embarrassment. They generally reside in obscure situations, and + are to be found by anonymous signatures, such as A. B. I. R. D. V. &c. + They chiefly prey upon young men of property, who have lost their money at + play, horse-racing, betting, &c. or other expensive amusements, and + are obliged to raise more upon any terms until their rents or incomes + become payable: or such as have fortunes in prospect, as being heirs + apparent to estates, but who require assistance in the mean time. + </p> + <p> + "These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimate responsibility + of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in his eager pursuit of + criminal pleasures, and under the influence of those allurements, which + the various places of fashionable resort hold out; and seldom fail to + obtain from them securities and obligations for large sums; upon the + credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usurious interest, to borrow + money or discount bills, and thus supply their unfortunate customers upon + the most extravagant terms. + </p> + <p> + "There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds, + title-deeds, and other specialties, or tipon the bond of the parties + having property in reversion. By these and other devices, large sums of + money are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipated and + the thoughtless; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed upon them as + long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utter ruin to + acts of desperation or the commission of crimes. + </p> + <p> + "It generally happens upon application to the advertising party, that he, + like Moses in <i>The School for Scandal</i>, is not really in possession + of any money himself, but then he knows where and how to procure it from a + very <span class="pagenum">[171]</span>unconscionable dog, who may, + perhaps, not be satisfied with the security ottered; yet, if you have + Bills at any reasonable date, he could get them discounted. If you should + suffer yourself to be trick'd out of any Bills, he will contrive, in some + way or other, to negotiate them—not, as he professes, for you, but + for himself and his colleagues; and, very likely, after you have been at + the additional expense of commencing a suit at law against them, they have + disappeared, and are in the King's Bench or the Fleet, waiting there to + defraud you of every hope and expectation, by obtaining their liberty + through the White-washing Act. + </p> + <p> + "These gentry are for the most part Attorneys or Pettifoggers, or closely + connected with such; and notwithstanding all legal provisions to preclude + them from exacting large sums, either for their agency and introduction, + or for the bonds which they draw, yet they contrive to bring themselves + home, and escape detection, by some such means as the following: + </p> + <p> + "They pretend that it is necessary to have a deed drawn up to explain the + uses of the Annuity-bond, which the grantor of the money, who is some + usurious villain, immediately acknowledges and accedes to; for + </p> + <p> + "The bond that signs the mortgage pays the shot; so that an Act which is + fraught with the best purposes for the protection of the honest, but + unfortunate, is in this manner subjected to the grossest chicanery of + pettifoggers and pretenders, and the vilest evasions of quirking low + villains of the law. + </p> + <p> + "There is also another species of money-lender, not inaptly termed the + Female Banker. These accommodate Barrow-women and others, who sell fruit, + vegetables, &c. in the public streets, with five shillings a day (the + usual diurnal stock in such cases;) for the use of which for twelve hours + they obtain the moderate premium of sixpence when the money is returned in + the evening, receiving at this rate about seven pounds ten shillings per + year for every five pounds they can so employ. It is however very + difficult to convince the borrowers of the correctness of this + calculation, and of the serious loss to which they subject themselves by a + continuation of the system, since it is evident that this improvident and + dissolute class of people have no other idea than that of making the day + and the way alike long. Their profits <span class="pagenum">[172]</span>(often + considerably augmented by dealing in base money as well as the articles + which they sell) seldom last over the day; for they never fail to have a + luxurious dinner and a hot supper, with a plentiful supply of gin and + porter: looking in general no farther than to keep the whole original + stock with the sixpence interest, which is paid over to the female Banker + in the evening, and a new loan obtained on the following morning to go to + market, and to be disposed of in the same way. + </p> + <p> + "In contemplating this curious system of banking, or money lending + (trifling as it may appear,) it is almost impossible not to be forcibly + struck with the immense profits that are derived from it. It is only + necessary for one of these sharpers to possess a capital of seventy + shillings, or three pounds ten shillings, with fourteen steady and regular + customers, in order to realize an income of one hundred guineas per year! + So true it is, that one half of the world do not know how the other half + live; for there are thousands who cannot have the least conception of the + existence of such facts. + </p> + <p> + "Here comes a <i>Buck of the first cut</i>, one who pretends to know every + thing and every body, but thinks of nobody but himself, and of that self + in reality knows nothing. + </p> + <p> + Captain P——is acknowledged by all his acquaintance to be one + of the best fellows in the world, and to beat every one at slang, but U——y + and A——se. He is the terror of the Charleys, and of the poor + unfortunate roofless nightly wanderers in the streets. You perceive his + long white hair, and by no means engaging features. Yet he has vanity + enough to think himself handsome, and that he is taken notice of on that + account; when the attractions he presents are really such as excite wonder + and surprise, mingled with disgust; yet he contemplates his figure in the + looking-glass with self satisfaction, and asks the frail ones, with a + tremulous voice, if, so help them——he is not a good-looking + fellow 1 and they, knowing their customer, of course do not fail to reply + in the affirmative. + </p> + <p> + "He is a well known leg, and is no doubt present on this occasion to bet + upon the ensuing Epsom races; by the bye his losses have been very + considerable in that way. He has also at all times been a dupe to the sex. + It is said that Susan B——, a dashing Cyprian, eased his purse + of a £500 bill, and whilst he was dancing in pursuit of her, she was + dancing to the tune of a Fife; a clear proof she <span class="pagenum">[173]</span>had + an ear for music as well as an eye to business. But I believe it was + played in a different Key to what he expected; whether it was a minor Key + or not I cannot exactly say. + </p> + <p> + "At a ball or assembly he conceives himself quite at home, satisfied that + he is the admiration of the whole of the company present; and were he to + give an account of himself, it would most likely be in substance nearly as + follows: + </p> + <p> + "When I enter the room, what a whisp'ring is heard; My rivals, astonish'd, + scarce utter a word; "How charming! (cry all; ) how enchanting a fellow! + How neat are those small-clothes, how killingly yellow. Not for worlds + would I honour these plebs with a smile, Tho' bursting with pride and + delight all the while; So I turn to my cronies (a much honour'd few,); + Crying, "S—z—m, how goes it?—Ah, Duchess, how do? Ton my + life, yonder's B—uf, and Br—ke, and A—g—le, S-ff—d, + W—tm—1—d, L—n, and old codger C—ri—le." + Now tho', from this style of address, it appears That these folks I have + known for at least fifty years, The fact is, my friends, that I scarcely + know one, A mere "façon de parler," the way of the ton. What tho' they + dislike it, I answer my ends, Country gentlemen stare, and suppose them my + friends. + </p> + <p> + But my beautiful taste (as indeed you will guess) Is manifest most in my + toilet and dress; My neckcloth of course forms my principal care, For by + that we criterions of elegance swear, And costs me each morning some hours + of flurry, To make it appear to be tied in a hurry. My boot-tops, those + unerring marks of a blade, With Champagne are polish'd, and peach + marmalade; And a violet coat, closely copied from B—ng, With a + cluster of seals, and a large diamond ring; And troisièmes of buckskin, + bewitchingly large, Give the finishing stroke to the "<i>parfait ouvrage</i>." + </p> + <p> + During this animated description of the gay personage alluded to, Bob had + listened with the most undeviating attention, keeping his eye all the time + on this extravagant piece of elegance and fashion, but could not help + bursting into an immoderate fit of laughter at its conclusion. In the mean + time the crowd of visitors had continued to increase; all appeared to be + bustle and confusion; small parties were seen in groups communicating + together in different places, and every face appeared to be animated by + hopes or fears. Dashall was exchanging familiar <span class="pagenum">[174]</span>nods + and winks with those whom lie knew; but as their object was not to buy, + they paid but little attention to the sales of the day, rather contenting + themselves with a view of the human cattle by which they were surrounded, + when they were pleasingly surprised to observe their friend Sparkle enter, + booted and spurred. + </p> + <p> + "Just the thing! (said Sparkle,) I had some suspicion of finding you here. + Are you buyers? Does your Cousin want a horse, an ass, or a filly?" + </p> + <p> + Tom smiled; "Always upon the ramble, eh, Sparkle. Why ask such questions? + You know we are well horsed; but I suppose if the truth was known, you are + <i>prad</i> sellers; if so, shew your article, and name your price." + </p> + <p> + "Apropos," said Sparkle; "Here is a friend of mine, to whom I must + introduce you, so say no more about articles and prices—I have an + article in view above all price—excuse me." And with this he made + his way among the tribe of Jockeys, Sharpers, and Blacklegs, and in a + minute returned, bringing with him a well-dressed young man, whose manners + and appearance indicated the Gentleman, and whose company was considered + by Tom and his Cousin as a valuable acquisition. + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Richard Mortimer," said Sparkle, as he introduced his friend—"the + Hon. Mr. Dashall, and Mr. Robert Tallyho." + </p> + <p> + After the mutual interchanges of politeness which naturally succeeded this + introduction—"Come," said Sparkle, "we are horsed, and our nags + waiting—we are for a ride, which way do you bend your course?" + </p> + <p> + "A lucky meeting," replied Tom; "for we are upon the same scent; I expect + my curricle at Hyde-Park Corner in ten minutes, and have no particular + line of destination." + </p> + <p> + "Good," said Sparkle; "then we may hope to have your company; and how + disposed for the evening?" + </p> + <p> + "Even as chance may direct." + </p> + <p> + "Good, again—all right—then as you are neither buyers nor + sellers, let us employ the remaining ten minutes in looking around us—there + is nothing to attract here—Epsom Races are all the talk, and all of + business that is doing—come along, let us walk through the Park—let + the horses meet us at Kensington Gate, and then for a twist among the + briers and brambles." + </p> + <p> + This was readily agreed to: orders were given to the servants, and the + party proceeded towards the Park.<span class="pagenum">[175]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + What is Bon Ton? Oh d—— me (cries a Buck, + Half drunk, ) ask me, my dear, and you're in luck: + Bon Ton's to swear, break windows, beat the Watch, + Pick up a wench, drink healths, and roar a catch. + Keep it up, keep it up! d—— me, take your swing— + Bon Ton is Life, my boy! Bon Ton's the thing! + "Ah, I loves Life and all the joys it yields— + (Says Madam Fussock. warm from Spitalfields; ) + Bon Ton's the space 'twixt Saturday and Monday, + And riding out in one-horse shay o' Sunday; + 'Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons + At Bagnigge Wells, with china and gilt spoons; + 'Tis laying by our stuffs, red cloaks and pattens, + To dance cowtillions all in silks and satins." + "Vulgar! (cries Miss) observe in higher Life + The feather'd spinster and three feather'd wife; + The Club's Bon Ton—Bon Ton's a constant trade + Of rout, festino, ball and masquerade; + 'Tis plays and puppet shows—'tis something new— + 'Tis losing thousands every night at loo; + Nature it thwarts, and contradicts all reason; + 'Tis stiff French stays, and fruit when out of season, + A rose, when half a guinea is the price; + A set of bays scarce bigger than six mice; + To visit friends you never wish to see— + Marriage 'twixt those who never can agree; + Old dowagers, dress'd, painted, patch'd and curl'd— + This is Bon Ton, and this we call the World! +</pre> + <p> + AS they passed through the gate, Tom observed it was rather too early to + expect much company. "Never mind," said Sparkle, "we are company enough + among ourselves; the morning is fine, the curricle not arrived, and we + shall find plenty of conversation, if we do not discover interesting + character, to diversify our promenade. Travelling spoils conversation, + unless you are squeezed like an Egyptian mummy into a stage or a + mail-coach; and perhaps in that case you may meet with animals who have + voices, without possessing the power of intellect to direct them to any + useful or agreeable purpose." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[176]</span>Tallyho, who was at all times delighted + with Sparkle's descriptions of society and manners, appeared pleased with + the proposition. + </p> + <p> + "Your absence from town," continued Sparkle, addressing himself to + Dashall, "has prevented my introduction of Mr. Mortimer before, though you + have heard me mention his Sister. They are now inhabitants of our own + sphere of action, and I trust we shall all become better known to each + other." + </p> + <p> + This piece of information appeared to be truly acceptable to all parties. + Young Mortimer was a good-looking and well made young man; his features + were animated and intelligent; his manners polished, though not quite so + unrestrained as those which are to be acquired by an acquaintance with + metropolitan associations. + </p> + <p> + "I am happy," said he, "to be introduced to any friends of your's, and + shall be proud to number them among mine." + </p> + <p> + "You may," replied Sparkle, "with great safety place them on your list; + though you know I have already made it appear to you that friendship is a + term more generally made use of than understood in London— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "For what is Friendship but a name, + A charm which lulls to sleep, + A shade that follows wealth and fame, + And leaves the wretch to weep? + + And Love is still an emptier sound, + The modern fair one's jest; + On earth unseen, or only found + To warm the turtle's nest." +</pre> + <p> + "These sentiments are excellently expressed," said Tom, pinching him by + the arm—"and I suppose in perfect consonance with your own?" + </p> + <p> + Sparkle felt 'the rebuke, look'd down, and seem'd confused; but in a + moment recovering himself, + </p> + <p> + "Not exactly so," replied he; "but then you know, and I don't mind + confessing it among friends, though you are aware it is very unfashionable + to acknowledge the existence of any thing of the kind, I am a pupil of + nature." + </p> + <p> + "You seem to be in a serious humour all at once," said young Mortimer. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[177]</span>"Can't help it," continued Sparkle—"for, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Let them all say what they will, + Nature will be nature still." +</pre> + <p> + "And that usurper, or I should rather say, would be usurper, Fashion, is + in no way in alliance with our natures. I remember the old Duchess of + Marlborough used to say 'That to love some persons very much, and to see + often those we love, is the greatest happiness I can enjoy;' but it + appears almost impossible for any person in London to secure such an + enjoyment, and I can't help feeling it." + </p> + <p> + By the look and manner with which this last sentiment was uttered, Tom + plainly discovered there was a something labouring at his heart which + prompted it. "Moralizing!" said he. "Ah, Charley, you are a happy fellow. + I never yet knew one who could so rapidly change '<i>from grave to gay, + from lively to severe</i>; and for the benefit of our friends, I can't + help thinking you could further elucidate the very subject you have so + feelingly introduced." + </p> + <p> + "You are a quiz" said Sparkle; "but there is one thing to be said, I know + you, and have no great objection to your hits now and then, provided they + are not knock down blows." + </p> + <p> + "But," said Mortimer, "what has this to do with friendship and love? I + thought you were going to give something like a London definition of the + terms." + </p> + <p> + "Why," said Sparkle, "in London it is equally difficult to get to love any + body very much, or often to meet those that we love. There are such + numbers of acquaintances, such a constant succession of engagements of one + sort or other, such a round of delights, that the town resembles Vauxhall, + where the nearest and dearest friends may walk round and round all night + without once meeting: for instance, at dinner you should see a person + whose manners and conversation are agreeable and pleasing to you; you may + wish in vain to become more intimate, for the chance is, that you will not + meet so as to converse a second time for many months; for no one can tell + when the dice-box of society may turn up the same numbers again. I do not + mean to infer that you may not barely see the same features again; it is + possible that you may catch a glimpse of them on the opposite side of Pall + <span class="pagenum">[178]</span>Mall or Bond-street, or see them near to + you at a crowded rout, without a possibility of approaching. + </p> + <p> + "It is from this cause, that those who live in London are so totally + indifferent to each other; the waves follow so quick, that every vacancy + is immediately filled up, and the want is not perceived. The well-bred + civility of modern times, and the example of some 'very popular people,' + it is true, have introduced a shaking of hands, a pretended warmth, a + dissembled cordiality, into the manners of the cold and warm, alike the + dear friend and the acquaintance of yesterday. Consequently we continually + hear such conversation as the following:—' Ah, how d'ye do? I'm + delighted to see you! How is Mrs. M——?' + </p> + <p> + 'She's very well, thank you.' 'Has she any increase in family?' 'Any + increase! why I've only been married three months. I see you are talking + of my former wife: bless you, she has been dead these three years.'—Or, + 'Ah, my dear friend, how d'ye do? You have been out of town some time; + where have you been? In Norfolk?' 'No, I have been two years in India.'" + </p> + <p> + This description of a friendly salutation appeared to interest and amuse + both Talltho and Mortimer. Tom laughed, shrugg'd up his shoulders, + acknowledged the picture was too true, and Sparkle continued. + </p> + <p> + "And thus it is, that, ignorant of one another's interests and + occupations, the generality of friendships of London contain nothing more + tender than a visiting card: nor are they much better, indeed they are + much worse, if you renounce the world, and determine to live only with + your relations and nearest connexions; for if you go to see them at one + o'clock, they are not stirring; at two, the room is full of different + acquaintances, who talk over the occurrences of the last night's ball, + and, of course, are paid more attention to than yourself; at three, they + are out shopping; at four, they are in this place dashing among the Pinks, + from which they do not return till seven, then they are dressing; at + eight, they are dining with two dozen friends; at nine and ten the same; + at eleven, they are dressing for the ball; and at twelve, when you are + retiring to rest, they are gone into society for the evening: so that you + are left in solitude; you soon begin again to try the world—and we + will endeavour to discover what it produces. + </p> + <p> + "The first inconvenience of a London Life is the late <span class="pagenum">[179]</span>hour + of a fashionable dinner. To pass the day in fasting, and then sit down to + a great dinner at eight o'clock, is entirely against the first dictates of + common sense and common stomachs. But what is to be done? he who rails + against the fashion of the times will be considered a most unfashionable + dog, and perhaps I have already said more than sufficient to entitle me to + that appellation." + </p> + <p> + "Don't turn <i>King's Evidence</i> against yourself," said Tom; "for, if + you plead guilty in this happy country, you must be tried by your Peers." + </p> + <p> + "Nay," said Mortimer, "while fashion and reason appear to be in such + direct opposition to each other, I must confess their merits deserve to be + impartially tried; though I cannot, for one moment, doubt but the latter + must ultimately prevail with the generality, however her dictates may be + disregarded by the votaries of the former." + </p> + <p> + "You are a good one at a ramble" said Tom, "and not a bad one in a spree, + but I cannot help thinking you are rambling out of your road; you seem to + have lost the thread of your subject, and, having been disappointed with + love and friendship, you are just going to sit down to dinner." + </p> + <p> + "Pardon me," replied Sparkle, "I was proceeding naturally, and not + fashionably, to my subject; but I know you are so great an admirer of the + latter, that you care but little about the former." + </p> + <p> + "Hit for hit," said Tom; "but go on—you are certainly growing old, + Sparkle; at all events, you appear very grave this morning, and if you + continue in this humour long, I shall expect you are about taking Orders." + </p> + <p> + "There is a time for all things, but the time for that has not yet + arrived." + </p> + <p> + "Well, then, proceed without sermonizing." + </p> + <p> + "I don't like to be interrupted," replied Sparkle; "and there is yet much + to be said on the subject. I find there are many difficulties to encounter + in contending with the fashionable customs. Some learned persons have + endeavoured to support the practice of late dinners by precedent, and + quoted the Roman supper; but it ought to be recollected that those suppers + were at three o'clock in the afternoon, and should be a subject of + contempt, instead of imitation, in Grosvenor Square. Women, <span + class="pagenum">[180]</span>however, are not quite so irrational as men, + in London, for they generally sit down to a substantial lunch about three + or four; if men would do the same, the meal at eight might be relieved of + many of its weighty dishes, and conversation would be a gainer by it; for + it must be allowed on all hands, that conversation suffers great + interruption from the manner in which fashionable dinners are managed. + First, the host and hostess (or her unfortunate coadjutor) are employed + during three parts of the dinner in doing the work of servants, helping + fish, or carving venison to twenty hungry guests, to the total loss of the + host's powers of amusement, and the entire disfigurement of the fair + hostess's face. Again, much time is lost by the attention every one is + obliged to pay, in order to find out (which, by the way, he cannot do if + he is short-sighted) what dishes are at the extreme end of the table; and + if a guest is desirous of a glass of wine, he must peep through the + Apollos and Cupids of the plateau, in order to find some one to take it + with; otherwise he is compelled to wait till some one asks him, which will + probably happen in succession; so that after having had no wine for half + an hour, he will have to swallow five glasses in five minutes. Convenience + teaches, that the best manner of enjoying society at dinner, is to leave + every thing to the servants that servants can do; so that no farther + trouble may be experienced than to accept the dishes that are presented, + and to drink at your own time the wines which are handed round. A + fashionable dinner, on the contrary, seems to presume beforehand on the + silence, dulness, and insipidity of the guests, and to have provided + little interruptions, like the jerks which the Chaplain gives to the + Archbishop to prevent his going to sleep during a sermon." + </p> + <p> + "Accurate descriptions, as usual," said Tom, "and highly amusing." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho and Mortimer were intent upon hearing the remainder of Sparkle's + account, though they occasionally joined in the laugh, and observed that + Sparkle seemed to be in a very sentimental mood. As they continued to walk + on, he resumed— + </p> + <p> + "Well then, some time after dinner comes the hour for the ball, or rout; + but this is sooner said than done: it often requires as much time to go + from St. James's Square to Cleveland Row, as to go from London to + Hounslow. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[181]</span>It would require volumes to describe the + disappointment which occurs on arriving in the brilliant mob of a + ball-room. Sometimes, as it has been before said, a friend is seen + squeezed like yourself, at the other end of the room, without a + possibility of your communicating, except by signs; and as the whole + arrangement of the society is regulated by mechanical pressure, you may + happen to be pushed against those to whom you do not wish to speak, + whether bores, slight acquaintances, or determined enemies. Confined by + the crowd, stifled by the heat, dazzled by the light, all powers of + intellect are obscured; wit loses its point, and sagacity its observation; + indeed, the limbs are so crushed, and the tongue so parched, that, except + particularly undressed ladies, all are in the case of the traveller, Mr. + Clarke, when he says, that in the plains of Syria some might blame him for + not making moral reflections on the state of the country; but that he must + own that the heat quite deprived him of all power of thought. Hence it is, + that the conversation you hear around you is generally nothing more than—"Have + you been here long?—Have you been at Mrs. H——'s?—Are + you going to Lady D——'s?"—Hence too, + </p> + <p> + Madam de Staël said very justly to an Englishman, "Dans vos routes le + corps fait plus de frai que l'esprit." But even if there are persons of a + constitution robust enough to talk, they dare not do so, when twenty heads + are forced into the compass of one square foot; nay, even if, to your + great delight, you see a person to whom you have much to say, and by fair + means or foul, elbows and toes, knees and shoulders, have got near him, he + often dismisses you with shaking you by the hand, and saying—My dear + Mr.—— how do you do? and then continues a conversation with a + person whose ear is three inches nearer. At one o'clock, however, the + crowd diminishes; and if you are not tired by the five or six hours of + playing at company, which you have already had, you may be very + comfortable for the rest of the evening. This however is the round of + fashionable company. But I begin to be tired even of the description." + </p> + <p> + "A very luminous and comprehensive view of fashionable society however," + said Tom, "sketched by a natural hand in glowing colours, though not + exactly in the usual style. I shall not venture to assert whether the + subjects are well chosen, but the figures are well grouped, and <span + class="pagenum">[182]</span>display considerable ability and lively + imagination in the painter, though a little confused." + </p> + <p> + "It appears to be a study from nature," said Mortimer. + </p> + <p> + "At least," continued Sparkle, "it is a study from Real Life, and + delineates the London manners; for although I have been a mingler in the + gaieties and varieties of a London Life, I have always held the same + opinions with respect to the propriety of the manners and customs adopted, + and have endeavoured to read as I ran; and it cannot be denied, that, in + the eye of fashion, nothing can be more amiable than to deviate, or at + least to affect a deviation, from nature, for to speak or act according to + her dictates, would be considered vulgar and common-place in the last + degree; to hear a story and not express an emotion you do not feel, + perfectly rude and unmannerly, and among the ladies particularly. To move + and think as the heart feels inclined, are offences against politeness + that no person can ever in honour or delicacy forgive." + </p> + <p> + "Come, come," said Tom, "don't you be so hard on the blessings of Life— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "For who, that knows the thrilling touch + Which Woman's love can give, + Would wish to live for aught so much, + As bid those beauties live? + + For what is life, which all so prize, + And all who live approve, + Without the fire of Woman's eyes, + To bid man live and love?" +</pre> + <p> + Sparkle affected to laugh, appeared confused, and look'd down for a few + moments, and they walk'd on in silence. + </p> + <p> + "I perceive," said Tom, "how the matter stands—well, I shall not be + a tormentor—but remember I expect an introduction to the fair + enslaver. I thought you 'defy'd the mighty conqueror of hearts,' and + resolved to be free." + </p> + <p> + "Resolutions, as well as promises, are easily made," said Sparkle, "but + not always so easily accomplished or performed—nor are you always + accurate in your conceptions of circumstances; but no matter, your voyages + are always made in search of discoveries, and, in spite of your + resolutions, <span class="pagenum">[183]</span>you may perchance be + entrapp'd. But no more of this; I perceive your raillery is directed to + me, and I hope you enjoy it." + </p> + <p> + "Faith," replied Tom, "you know I always enjoy your company, but I don't + recollect to have found you in so prosing a humour before—Pray, + which way are you directing your coursel?" + </p> + <p> + During the latter part of this conversation, Bob and young Mortimer were + employed in admiring the fine piece of water which presented itself to + their notice in the Serpentine River. + </p> + <p> + "Merely for a ride," was the reply; "any way you please, to pass away the + time." + </p> + <p> + "Mighty cavalier, truly," said Tom; "but come, here we are at Kensington, + let us mount, and away." + </p> + <p> + "Remember, I expect you and Mr. Tallyho to accompany me in the evening to + a family-party. I have already stated my intention, and you are both + expected." + </p> + <p> + "Upon these terms then, I am your man, and I think I may answer for my + Cousin." + </p> + <p> + By this time they were at the gate, where, finding the curricle and the + nags all in readiness, Sparkle and Mortimer were soon horsed, and Tom and + Bob seated in the curricle. They proceeded to Richmond, taking surveys of + the scenery on the road, and discoursing on the usual topics of such a + journey, which being foreign to the professed intention of this work, are + omitted. Suffice it to say they returned refreshed from the excursion, and + parted with a promise to meet again at nine o'clock, in Grosvenor Square. + </p> + <p> + "Egad!" said Dashall, as they entered the diningroom, "there is something + very mysterious in all this. Sparkle has hitherto been the life and soul + of society: he seems to be deeply smitten with this young Lady, Miss + Mortimer, and promises fairly, by his manner, to prove a deserter from our + standard, and to inlist under the banners of Hymen." + </p> + <p> + "Not unlikely," replied Tallyho, "if what we are told be true—that + it is what we must all come to." + </p> + <p> + "Be that as it may, it ought not to interfere with our pursuits, Real Life + in London, though, to be sure, the Ladies, dear creatures, ought not to be + forgotten: they are so nearly and dearly interwoven with our existence, + that, without them, Life would be insupportable." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[184]</span>After dinner, they prepared for the + evening party, and made their appearance in Grosvenor Squire at the + appointed hour. But as this will introduce new characters to the Reader, + we shall defer our account of them till the next Chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Ye are stars of the night, ye are gems of the morn, + Ye are dew-drops whose lustre illumines the thorn; + And rayless that night is, that morning unblest, + When no beam in your eye, lights up peace in the breast; + And the sharp thorn of sorrow sinks deep in the heart, + Till the sweet lip of Woman assuages the smart; + 'Tis her's o'er the couch of misfortune to bend, + In fondness a lover, in firmness a friend; + And prosperity's hour, be it ever confest, + From Woman receives both refinement and zest; + And adorn'd by the bays, or enwreath'd with the willow, + Her smile is our meed, and her bosom our pillow. +</pre> + <p> + ARRIVED at Grosvenor Square, they found the party consisted of Colonel B——, + his son and daughter, Miss Mortimer, and her brother, Mr. Sparkle, Mr. + Merrywell, and Lady Lovelace. The first salutations of introduction being + over, there was time to observe the company, among whom, Miss Mortimer + appeared to be the principal magnet of attraction. The old Colonel was + proud to see the friends of Mr. Sparkle, and had previously given a hearty + welcome to Mr. Merrywell, as the friend of his nephew, the young Mortimer. + Sparkle now appeared the gayest of the gay, and had been amusing the + company with some of his liveliest descriptions of character and manners, + that are to be witnessed in the metropolis. While Merrywell, who did not + seem to be pleased with the particular attentions he paid to Miss + Mortimer, was in close conversation with her brother. + </p> + <p> + Tom could not but acknowledge that it was scarcely possible to see Miss + Mortimer, without feelings of a nature which he had scarcely experienced + before. The elegant neatness of her dress was calculated to display the + beauty of her form, and the vivid flashes of a dark eye were so many + irresistible attacks upon the heart; a sweet voice, and smiling + countenance, appeared to throw a radiance around the room, and illuminate + the visages of the whole <span class="pagenum">[186]</span>party, while + Lady Lovelace and Maria B—— served as a contrast to heighten + that effect which they envied and reproved. While tea was preparing, after + which it was proposed to take a rubber at cards, a sort of general + conversation took place: the preparations for the Coronation, the new + novels of the day, and the amusements of the theatre, were canvassed in + turn; and speaking of the writings of Sir Walter Scott, as the presumed + author of the celebrated Scotch novels, Lady Lovelace declared she found + it impossible to procure the last published from the library, + notwithstanding her name has been long on the list, so much was it in + request. + </p> + <p> + Sparkle replied, "That he had purchased the Novel, and would willingly + lend it to the Ladies. As for the Libraries," continued he, "they are good + places of accommodation, but it is impossible to please every one, either + there or any where else; they are however very amusing at times, and as a + proof of it, I strolled the other morning to a Circulating Library, for + the express purpose of lounging away an hour in digesting the politics and + news of the day; but the curious scenes to which I was witness during this + short period, so distracted my attention, that, despite of the grave + subjects on which I was meditating, I could not resist lending an + attentive ear to all that passed around me. There was something of + originality in the countenance of the Master of the Library which struck + me forcibly; and the whimsical answers which he made to his numerous + subscribers, and the yet more whimsical tone in which they were + pronounced, more than once provoked a smile. The first person who + attracted my notice was a fine showy looking woman, dressed in the extreme + of fashion, with a bloom upon her cheek, which might have emulated that of + the rose, with this exception, that it wanted the charm of nature. Putting + a list into the hands of the Bookseller, she inquired if he had any of the + productions the names of which were there transcribed. Glancing his eye + over the paper, he replied (with an archness which not a little + disconcerted her, and which probably occasioned her abrupt disappearance, + "<i>The Fine Lady</i>, Madam, is seldom or ever at home; but <i>Family + Secrets</i> we are always ready to let out." '<i>Characters of Eminent Men</i>' + growled out a little vulgar consequential Citizen, whose countenance bore + the stamp of that insufferable dulness that might almost tempt <span + class="pagenum">[187]</span>one to imagine him incapable of comprehending + the meaning of the words which he pronounced with an air of so much + self-importance; '<i>Characters of Eminent Men</i>, 195,' repeated the + Snarler, in the same tone, 'I much fear if we can boast a quarter of that + number, eh! Mr. Margin?' "I fear not, Sir," replied Margin; "but such as + we have are very much at your service." 'Better be in the service of the + nation than in mine, by far,' said the little purse-proud gentleman, + shrugging his shoulders very significantly. "Shall I send it for you, + Sir?" said Margin, without noticing the last remark. 'By no means, by no + means; the volume is not so large, it won't encumber me much; I believe I + shall find it small enough to put in my pocket,' pursued the little great + man, grinning at the shrewdness of his own observations, and stalking out + with as much self-complacency as he had stalked in. I knew the man well, + and could not help laughing at the lofty airs he assumed, at the manner in + which he affected to decry all his countrymen without mercy, at his + unwillingness to acknowledge any talent amongst them, though he himself + was a man of that plodding description who neither ever had done, nor ever + could do any thing to entitle him to claim distinction of any sort. The + young Coxcomb who next entered, was a direct contrast to the last + applicant, both in person and manner. Approaching with a fashionable + contortion, he stretched out his lady-like hand, and in the most languid + and affected tone imaginable, inquired for The Idler. "That, Sir," said + Margin, "is amongst the works we have unhappily lost, but you will be sure + to meet with it at any of the fashionable libraries in the neighbourhood + of Bond Street or St. James's." The young Fop had just sense enough to + perceive that the shaft was aimed at him, but not enough to relish the + joke, or correct the follies which provoked it, and turned abruptly on his + heel. He was met at the door by a sentimental boarding-school Miss, who + came flying into the shop in defiance of her governess, and inquired, in a + very pathetic tone, for <i>The Constant Lover</i>. "That, I am afraid," + said Margin, "is not amongst our collection." 'Dear me,' lisped the young + Lady, with an air of chagrin, 'that's very provoking, I thought that was + what every one had.' "Give me leave to assure you, Ma'am, that you are + quite mistaken. I fancy you will find that it is not to be met with all + over London." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[188]</span>An old Gentleman of the old school, + whose clothes were decidedly the cut of the last century, and whose stiff + and formal manners were precisely of the same date with his habiliments, + next came hobbling in. Poring through his spectacles over the catalogue + which lay upon the counter, the first thing which caught his eye, was <i>An + Essay upon Old Maids</i>. "Tom, Tom," said the complaisant Librarian, + calling to a lad at the other end of the shop, "reach down the Old Maids + for the gentleman. They won't appear to advantage, I'm afraid, a little + dusty or damaged, with having laid so long upon the shelf," he added, with + a simper, which was not lost upon any one present. A melancholy looking + man, in whose countenance meekness and insipidity were alike plainly + depicted, now came forward, inquiring, in an under, and what might almost + be designated an alarmed tone of voice, for <i>The Impertinent Wife</i>; a + female, who hung upon his arm, interrupted him by entreating, or rather + insisting in no very gentle tone, 'that he would ask for something better + worth having.' Margin, affecting only to hear the former speaker, + immediately produced the book in question, and observed, with much + naivete, "that the Impertinent Wife was sure to be in the way at all + hours," at the same time not omitting to recommend Discipline as "a better + work." A young man, whom I knew to be one of the greatest fortune hunters + about town, with an air of consummate assurance, put out his hand for <i>Disinterested + Marriage</i>. "That's a thing quite out of date—never thought of + now, Sir," said Margin, who knew him as well as myself; "Allow me to + recommend something of more recent date, something more sought after in + the fashionable world, Splendid Misery, Sir, or—"The young man heard + no more: spite of his impudence, he was so abashed by the reply, that he + made a hasty retreat. The last person whom I thought it worth my while to + notice, was a tall, meagre looking man, whom I recollected to have seen + pointed out to me as a wit, and a genius of the first order. His wit was, + however, of that dangerous sort which caused his company to be rather + shunned than courted; and it was very evident, from his appearance, that + he had not had the wit to work himself into the good graces of those who + might have had it in their power to befriend him. Though he spoke in a + very low tone, I soon found that he was inquiring for <i>Plain Sense</i>. + On Margin's replying, <span class="pagenum">[189]</span>with much + nonchalance, that <i>Plain Sense</i> had of late become very rare, finding + himself disappointed in his first application, his next aim was <i>Patronage</i>. + "That, Sir, (said the wary bookseller) is so much sought after, that I + really cannot promise it to you at present; but if, as I conclude, you + merely want something to beguile a leisure hour or two, probably <i>The + Discontented Man</i> will answer the purpose very well." + </p> + <p> + To this description of Sparkle, the whole company listened with attention + and delight, frequently interrupting him with bursts of laughter. Tea was + handed round, and then cards introduced. Young Mortimer and Merrywell + seemed to take but little interest in the play, and evidently discovered + their anxiety to be liberated, having some other object in view. Mortimer + felt no great portion of pleasure in passing his time with his uncle, the + Colonel, nor with his sister, Lady Lovelace, who was a perfect model of + London affectation; besides, his friend Mr. Merrywell, who was to him what + Tom Dashall and Sparkle had been to Tallyho, had made an engagement to + introduce him to some of his dashing acquaintances in the West. Nods and + winks were interchanged between them, and could not but be noticed by Tom + and Bob, though Sparkle was so intent upon the amusements of the moment, + and the company of the lovely Caroline, as to appear immoveable. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Merrywell at length stated that he must be compelled to quit the + party. Young Mortimer also apologized; for as he and his friend were + engaged for an early excursion in the morning, he should take a bed at his + habitation, in order to be fully prepared. This was the first step to + breaking up the party. + </p> + <p> + Merrywell called Sparkle on one side, saying he had something of + importance to communicate. It was twelve o'clock, and the gentlemen, after + taking a formal leave of the ladies and the Colonel, and a promise on the + part of Sparkle to meet them again the next morning at twelve, to escort + them to the Exhibition, left the house. + </p> + <p> + "I am really happy," said Merrywell to Sparkle as they passed the door, + "to have had the honour of this introduction, and shall have much pleasure + in becoming better acquainted with Mr. Sparkle, who, though personally + unknown to me, his name and fame are familiar. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[190]</span>Mr. Mortimer and myself are going to + take a review of the neighbourhood of St. James's, probably to shake an + elbow." + </p> + <p> + "Excellent," said Tom; "here is a fine opportunity for Mr. Tallyho to take + a like survey, and, if agreeable, we will join the party. Though I am by + no means a friend to gaming, I conceive it necessary that every person + should see the haunts of its votaries, and the arts they make use of, in + order to avoid them." + </p> + <p> + "You are right, and therefore let us have a peep at them." With this they + 'walk'd on, listening with attention to the following lines, which were + recited by Sparkle: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Behold yon group, fast fix'd at break of day, + Whose haggard looks a sleepless night betray, + With stern attention, silent and profound, + The mystic table closely they surround; + Their eager eyes with eager motions join, + As men who meditate some vast design: + Sure, these are Statesmen, met for public good, + For some among them boast of noble blood: + Or are they traitors, holding close debate + On desp'rate means to overthrow the State? + For there are men among them whose domains + And goods and chattels lie within their brains. + No, these are students of the blackest art + That can corrupt the morals or the heart; + Yet are they oft in fashion's ranks preferred, + And men of honour, if you take their word. + But they can plunder, pillage, and devour, + More than poor robbers, at the midnight hour; + Lay deeper schemes to manage lucky hits, + Than artful swindlers, living by their wits. + Like cunning fowlers, spread th' alluring snare, + And glory when they pluck a pigeon bare. + These are our gamesters, who have basely made + The cards and dice their study and their trade."{1} + + 1 Gaming is generally understood to have been invented by + the Lydians, when they were under the pressure of a great + famine. To divert themselves from dwelling on their + sufferings, they contrived the balls, tables, &c. and, in + order to bear their calamity the better, were accustomed to + play for the whole day together, without interruption, that + they might not be rack'd with the thought of food, which + they could not obtain. It is not a little extraordinary that + this invention, which was originally intended as a remedy + for hunger, is now a very common cause of that very evil. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[191]</span>"True," said Merry well, as Sparkle + concluded, though he did not like the satire upon his own favourite + pursuit; "those delineations are correct, and the versification good, as + far as it applies to the worst species of the gaminghouse." + </p> + <p> + "O," said Tom, "then pray, Sir, which is the worst?" + </p> + <p> + "Nonsense," said Sparkle, "there is neither worse nor best; these Hells + are all alike. <i>Sharks, Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, Black-legs, and + Levanters</i>, are to be met with at them all, and <i>they meet to bite + one another's heads off</i>." + </p> + <p> + "An admirable description, truly, of the company you are about to + introduce us to, Gentlemen," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "I don't understand Greeks, Hells, and Black-legs," said Mortimer, "and + should like an explanation." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," replied Sparkle—"<i>Hell</i> is the general + title now given to any well-known gaming-house, and really appears to be + well chosen; for all the miseries that can fall to the lot of human + nature, are to be found in those receptacles of idleness, duplicity, and + villany. Gaming is an estate to which all the world has a pretence, though + few espouse it who are willing to secure either their estates or + reputations: and these Hells may fairly be considered as so many half-way + houses to the Fleet or King's Bench Prisons, or some more desperate end. + The love of play is the most incurable of insanities: robbery, suicide, + and the extensive ruin of whole families, have been known to proceed from + this unfortunate and fatal propensity. + </p> + <p> + "<i>Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, and Black-legs</i>, are synonimous + terms, applied to the frequenters of the modern Hells, or Gaming-houses, + and may be distinguished from the rest of society by the following + peculiarities in pursuits and manners. + </p> + <p> + "The <i>Greeks</i> of the present day, though they may not lay claim to, + or boast of all the attributes of the <i>Greeks</i> of antiquity, must + certainly be allowed to possess that quality for which the latter were + ever so celebrated, namely, <i>cunning and wariness</i>: for although no + modern Greek can be said to have any resemblance to Achilles, Ajax, + Patroclus, or Nestor, in point of courage, strength, fidelity, or wisdom, + he may nevertheless boast of being a close copier of the equally renowned + chief of Ithaca. You will find him in most societies, habited like a + gentleman; <span class="pagenum">[192]</span>his clothes are of the newest + fashion, and his manners of the highest polish, with every appearance of + candour and honour; while he subsists by unfair play at dice, cards, and + billiards, deceiving and defrauding all those with whom he may engage; + disregarding the professions of friendship and intimacy, which are + continually falling from his lips. + </p> + <p> + "To become a good <i>Greek</i> (which, by the way, is a contradiction) it + will be found necessary to follow these instructions: + </p> + <p> + "In the first place, lie should be able to command his temper; he should + speak but little, and when he does mingle in conversation, he should most + decidedly deprecate play, as a source of the greatest evil that can prey + upon society, and elucidate its tendencies by striking examples which are + well known to himself, and which are so forcibly impressed upon his + recollection, that he is determined never to play deep again, but has no + objection to a sociable and friendly game now and then, just to pass the + time away a little agreeably. By this means he may readily mark down his + man, and the game once in view, he should not appear too eager in the + pursuit of it, but take good care, as the proverb says, to give a sprat, + in order to catch a herring. This should be done by allowing some + temporary success, before he make a final hit. + </p> + <p> + "There is perhaps no art which requires so much of continual practice as + that of <i>Greekery</i>. It is therefore necessary, that the professor + should frequently exercise himself in private with cards and dice, in + order that his digits may be trained to a proper degree of agility, upon + which the success of his art principally depends. He should also be + accustomed to work with some younger man than himself, who, having once + been a pigeon, is become a naute, that is enlightened and will not peach—consequently, + he serves as an excellent decoy to others. + </p> + <p> + "To ascertain the property of the pigeon he intends to pluck, is another + essential requisite; and when this important information is obtained, + (which should be before he commences operations) he should affect the + utmost liberality as to time, &c. and make a show of extending every + honourable facility to his opponent, even by offers of pecuniary + assistance; by which means, (if he should be fortunate enough to have it + accepted) he may probably, by good management, obtain a legal <span + class="pagenum">[193]</span>security from him, and thus be enabled to + fasten on his prey whenever he pleases. + </p> + <p> + "The title of a military man, such as Captain, is very useful to the + Greek, as it introduces him well to society, and if he has once held a + commission in the army, so much the better. If not, it can be assumed, so + that if any unpleasant regimental peculation should be introduced, he may + place his hand on the left side of his breast, declare he is astonished + and alarmed at the calumnious spirit of the times, shake his head, and + interlard his conversation with common-place ejaculations; such as the + following—Indeed—No—Why I know Harry very well—he's + a bit of a blood—can it be possible—I should not have thought + it—bless my heart—exactly so—good God—a devilish + good joke tho'—that's very true, says I—so says he, &c. + &c. + </p> + <p> + "A Greek should be a man of some personal courage, never shrink from a + row, nor be afraid to' fight a duel. He should be able to bully, bluster, + swagger and swear, as occasion may require; nay, in desperate cases, such + us peaching, &c. he should not object even to assassination. He should + invite large parties to dine with him frequently, and have a particular + sort of wine for particular companies. He should likewise be able to + swallow a tolerable quantity of the juice of the grape himself, as well as + know how to appear as if he were drinking, when he is merely passing the + bottle, and so manage it passing, as to seem drunk at proper times. When + good opportunities present themselves for the exercise of his art, and + when a hit is really to be made, he should positively refuse to suffer + play of any kind in his house, alleging that he has seen enough of it, and + cut the concern. This serves to increase the desire for it in others. On + any decisive occasion, when a train is known to be well laid, he should + appear to be drunk before any one of the party; in which case he should + take care beforehand to instruct his decoy to pluck the pigeon, while he, + as a supposed observer, is betting with some one in the company, (of + course an accomplice) and is also a loser. + </p> + <p> + "Greeks, who know each other, are enabled to convey information by means + of private signals, without uttering a word, and consequently without + detection. At whist, or other games on the cards, fingers are admirable + conveyancers of intelligence, and by dexterous performers <span + class="pagenum">[194]</span>are so managed, as to defy the closest + scrutiny, so as to have the natural appearance of pliancy, while, among + the <i>knowing ones</i>, their movements are actually deciding the fate of + a rubber." + </p> + <p> + "Egad!" said Mortimer, "you seem to understand the business so well, I + wonder you don't open shop." + </p> + <p> + "My knowledge," continued Sparkle, "is but theoretical. I cannot boast of + much practical information, for it is long since I shook the lucky + castor." + </p> + <p> + "O, then, you are discontented because you have no luck." + </p> + <p> + "Not so," said Sparkle, "for I never play very deep, so that, win or lose, + I can never suffer much; but I am willing to give information to others, + and with that view I have detailed the nature of the houses and the + general character of their frequenters, according to my own conception of + them. The <i>Levanter</i> is a <i>Black-leg</i>, who lives by the <i>broads</i>{l} + and the <i>turf</i>,{2} and is accustomed to work as it were by <i>telegraph</i>{3} + with his pal; and if you take the broads in hand in their company, you are + sure to be work'd, either by glazing, that is, putting you in the front of + a looking-glass, by which means your hand is discovered by your + antagonist, or by private signals from the pal. On the turf he will pick + up some nobleman or gentleman, who he knows is not <i>up to the rig</i>—bet + him fifty or a hundred on a horse—pull out his pocket-book—set + down the name, and promise to be at the stand when the race is over; but + takes care to be seen no more, unless he is the winner, which he easily + ascertains by the direction his pal takes immediately on the arrival of + the horses. But hold, we must dismiss the present subject of + contemplation, for here we are at the very scene of action, and now for + ocular demonstration." + </p> + <p> + No. 40, now 32, Pall Mall, was the place of destination, a house well + known, said, in Koubel's time, to be more <i>à la Française</i>, and of + course more of a gambling-house, than any other of the same description in + London. The former were good judges of their business, and did things in + prime order; but, if report say true, the new Establishment + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Broads—A cant term for cards. + + 2 Turf—A cant term for horse-racing. + + 3 Telegraph—To work the telegraph, is to impart information + by secret signs and motions, previously concerted between + the parties. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[195]</span>has completely eclipsed their + precursors: it is now conducted wholly by aliens—by Frenchmen!!! who + are said to have realized 80,000L. within a very short space of time; and + that a certain nobleman, whose name is not Dormouse, has serious reason to + remember that he has been a visitor. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +These concerns are considered of so much importance, and are found to be +so very productive, that regular co-partnerships are entered into, +the business is conducted almost with the precision of a mercantile +establishment; all kinds of characters embark in these speculations, and +rapid fortunes are to be made by them; this alone ought to deter young +men from play, since it sufficiently indicates how much the chances are +in favour of the tables. But many high and noble names resort to them. + + "There's N—g—nts proud Lord, who, to angle for pelf, + Will soon find the secret of diddling himself; + There's Herbert, who lately, as knowing one's tell, + Won a tight seven hundred at a House in Pall Mall. + + Captain D—v—s, who now is a chick of the game, + For altho' in high feather, the odds will soon tame; + And the Marquis of Bl—ndf—rd, who touch'd 'em up rare + For a thousand in Bennet Street (all on the square); + There's Li—d and C—m—ck, who'd a marine to be, + For none drills a guinea more ably than he; + There's a certain rum Baronet, every one knows, + Who on Saturday nights to the Two Sevens{1} goes, + + With J—— and Cl——, Billy W—— and two more, + So drunk, that they keep merry hell in a roar. + Long D—ll—n, their C—rt—r, a son of a gun; + Bill B——, the Doctor, that figure of fun; + + Bankers, Dealers and Demireps, Cuckolds in droves, + A T—l—r, a T—nf—Id, a Cr—kf—Id, and CI—ves; + A H—rtf—rd, a Y—rm—th, of frail ones ten score; + X—ft—e, S—br—gt and E—ll—s, and still many more." +</pre> + <p> + "Come along," said Merrywell, "let us see what they are made of; are + either of you known? for Cerberus, who keeps the door, is d——d + particular, in consequence of some rows they have recently had, and the + devil is careful to pick his customers." + </p> + <p> + "To pluck them, you mean," said Tom; "but perhaps you are in possession of + the pass-word—if so, lead on." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The <i>Two Sevens</i>—A nick-name for the well-known house, + No. 77, Jermyn Street. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[196]</span>Tallyho had already heard so much about + Hells, Gambling-houses, and Subscription-houses, that he was all anxiety + for an interior view, and the same feeling animated Mortimer. As they were + about to enter, they were not a little surprised to find that houses which + are spoken of so publicly, have in general the appearance of private + dwellings, with the exception that the hall-door is left ajar during the + hours usually devoted to play, like those of trap-cages, to catch the + passing pigeons, and to obviate the delay which might be occasioned by the + necessity of knocking—a delay which might expose the customers to + the glances of an unsuspecting creditor—a confiding father, or a + starving wife; and, as Merrywell observed, "It was to be understood that + the entrance was well guarded, and that no gentleman could be permitted to + risk or lose his money, without an introduction." A very necessary + precaution to obviate the danger of being surprised by the officers of the + law; but that rule is too easily to be broken, for any gentleman whom the + door-keeper has sufficient reason to think is not an Officer of Justice, + finds the avenues to these labyrinths too ready for his admission. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page196.jpg" alt="Page196 a Modern Hell " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + On passing the outer-door, they found themselves impeded by a second, and + a third, and each door constructed with a small spy-hole, exhibiting the + ball of a ruffian's eye, intently gazing on and examining their figures. + It is necessary to observe, that if the visitor is known to be a fair + pigeon, or an old crow, he is at once admitted by these gentlemen, and + politely bowed up stairs; and as Merrywell appeared to be well known, no + obstruction was offered, and they proceeded through the last, which was an + iron door, and were shewn directly into the room, which presented a scene + of dazzling astonishment. + </p> + <p> + On entering, they discovered the votaries of gaming around an oblong + table, covered with green cloth, and the priests of the ceremony in the + centre, one to deal cards and decide events, and another to assist him in + collecting the plunder which should follow such decisions. Being engaged + in the play, but little notice was taken of the arrival of the party, + except by two or three eagle-eyed gentlemen, who, perceiving there were + some <i>New-comes</i>{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1. Newcomes—The name given to any new faces discovered among + the usual visitants. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[197]</span>and always keeping business in view, + made up to Merrywell, began to be very talkative—was happy to see + him—hoped he had been well—and congratulated him on the + introduction of his friends—took snuff, and handed the box round + with all the appearance of unaffected friendship. + </p> + <p> + "These," said Tom Dashall to his Cousin, drawing him on one side, "are the + Proprietors{1} of this concern; + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 In order that the class of men by whom houses of this + description are generally kept, and to shew the certainty + they have of accumulating riches, as well as to guard the + young and inexperienced against being decoyed, it may not be + amiss to animadvert upon a few of the most prominent and + well known. + + No. 7, Pall Mall, is kept by B——l, who has been a public + and noted gambler for these forty years, and is generally + termed the Father of the Houses. He was at one time a poor + man, but now, by his honest earnings, is in possession of + some tens of thousands. It is said that he was originally a + stable-boy, and, in process of time, arose to be a jobber in + horse-flesh, but has at length feathered his nest with + <i>pigeons down</i>. + + No. 77, St. James's Street, nick-named the Two Sevens, kept + by Messrs. T. C. C. T. is a well-known House, where things + are conducted with great civility and attention, and the + best possible treatment may generally be relied upon, though + they are rather sparing of refreshments, and apt to grumble + if a customer has a run of good luck. A Prussian Officer, + however, not long ago, kick'd up a devil of a row about + losing a very large sum of money; but it is scarcely + necessary to add it was all in vain, for there was no + redress. + + The produce of this Bank, (which Paddy B—— calls the + Devil's Exchequer, whence you can draw neither principal nor + interest,) furnishes elegant houses and equipages, both in + town and country, and, it is possible, may one day or other + send a Member to Parliament, or a General to the field. + + No. 10, King Street, St. James's, is conducted by old and + young D——s L——r; the father is too old in iniquity + to remember his progress from poverty to affluence. + + No. 5, King-street, is kept by Mr. A——l; the former + residing at No. 3, Leicester-place, the latter No. 3,—— + Street; and both live in prime style. The former, in his + youth, was an errand boy, and he became so willing in doing + little jobs, that his employers have paid him most + handsomely. The latter gentleman, who may be seen frequently + driving a dennet, and looking both sides of the road at + once, is a chip of the old block: but as it is not our + intention to visit the sins of the sou upon the father, we + shall not enter into a minute examination of him. + + No. 6, in Bury-street, is only about a year's standing. + This table was set up by a broken adventurer, Capt. B——, + with Mr. ——, a jeweller, and a man whose agents keep a + house of ill fame, no way inferior in attribute to his + house in Bury-street. They commenced with narrow funds, + and now, thank the gulls, are independent. + + The next door, No. 7, is held by M——g, a map-seller, + living at Charing Cross; Carl—s, formerly an under- + strapper at Ben—t's, living at King's Road, Chelsea; H——ll, + a tallow-chandler, living at No. 8, Bury-street; and + his brother, a brick-layer, residing somewhere off Grosvenor + Place. These fellows have carried on their depredations for + some time, but now have closed for awhile, being one of the + houses against whom a Jew, named Portugal John, and another + named the Young Black Diamond, have commenced proceedings, + for sums had and received, and by indictment. + + No. 28, in the same street, is the property of one O—— + d, formerly a menial servant, and not long ago a porter to + B——l. + + These examples shew by incontestible inference, that the + keepers of those tables have an advantage, which renders + their success certain, while it fleeces the men who attend + them. We always have seen these Proprietors in the same + unchangeable affluence, driving their equipages, keeping + their country houses, &c. &c. while those who play + invariably sink into poverty. It has been often—very often + remarked, that young men who commence this career of folly + and vice, by degrees lose that freshness and fashionable + appearance which they at first possessed, and at last are + seen wandering about St. James's Park <i>counting the trees</i>, + and dining on a <i>gravel hash</i>, for want of more genial fare, + in a threadbare coat, half-polished boots, a greasy hat, and + a dirty cravat; while the plunderers of their happiness and + property are driving by them in luxury, enjoying their + pleasure by contrast with their victim, and sneering at his + miseries. + + Of all the vices which deform this Metropolis (and there are + not a few) the most ruinous is that of Rouge et Noir + gambling, for that is practised in the day time, and it is a + matter of astonishment to think that it has remained + undisturbed by the law, and hitherto unnoticed by the Press. + At this moment no less than twelve of these Hells are open + to the public in the noon-day; and no less than five or six + profane the Sabbath by their sinful practices. Although + London has been, time out of mind, infested with the imps of + play, yet it was not until within these last ten or fifteen + years that they dared open their dens to the honest light of + day. About that period, or a very short time before, Rouge + et Noir was imported, amongst other fashionable things, from + France; and to this game we are indebted for the practice of + gambling in the day-light. + + It is impossible to put down the vice of Gaming wholly, and + not all the various enactments of the legislature against it + have succeeded; but that the ruinous and infamous practice + of indulging that vice in the midst of crowded day should be + suffered, for upwards of sixteen years, in the centre of + British society, when it can easily be suppressed, calls + forth our wonder, and gives a stronger proof to us that our + Societies for the Suppression of Vice, &c. &c. are shadows + with a name. When the Hazard tables open, it is at an hour + when the respectable and controlled youths of London are + within the walls of their homes; few are abroad except the + modern man of <i>ton</i>, the rake, the sot, the robber, and the + vagabond; and the dangers of gaming on these orders of + society is little indeed, when compared with the baneful + effects of that vice upon the mercantile youth of London. It + is to this class, and to the youth of the middling orders of + society, that gaming is destructive, and it is upon these + that the Rouge et Noir tables cast the most fatal influence. + Young men of this order cannot in general be absent from + their families after midnight, the hour when the nocturnal + Hells formerly yawned upon their victims; but now the + introduction of Rouge et Noir has rendered the abominable + track of play a morning and evening's lounge, set forth in + all the false glare which the artful proprietors can invent + to deceive the thoughtless; and thus it affords + opportunities and temptations to such youth almost + irresistible. + + When the glittering of London pleasures first meets the eye + of a young man placed upon the road of a mercantile life, or + when he enters any of the multifarious departments in the + machine of society which always lead the industrious and + prudent to honourable emolument, he too frequently + misconceives the fashionable gamester's character, and + confounds his crimes with elegant accomplishments. The road + to pleasure is broad, and the gates of these Hells are open + to him at hours when he can be absent, and can indulge his + whim without suspicion—for at first he looks upon his new + enjoyment but a mere whim, which he can abandon at any + moment. But how different is the proof! He goes on—his new + made wings carry him through a region of delight, and he + believes himself to possess the powers of the eagle—still + lighter he ascends, and the solid earth on which he formerly + trod in safety, recedes immeasurably from his giddy eye—at + length his wings prove wax, they melt before the sun, and + the victim of his own folly tumbles into the abyss of + destruction. + + It is no uncommon thing, nay, we will positively declare it + to be a very frequent practice of these misled young men, + when they have been initiated, and have the temporary + command of money belonging to their employers, to go to the + Rouge et Noir tables, armed (as they think) with + impenetrable armour—a large sum; and, in the hope of + profiting to a certain amount, risk that property, the loss + of which would be the loss of every thing dear to them in + society. They believe, from the greatness of the amount they + possess, that they can command a small gain, and not for a + moment doubt they will be able to replace or return the + money entrusted to their care; but little do they know the + fickleness of luck, and less do they suspect the odds and + imposing roguery arrayed against them. Their first loss is + trifling, but they have to win that back iu addition to + their expected profits; for this purpose they stake a larger + sum, which, if they lose, increases their task, and so on, + until the half-frantic victims see no hope but desperation, + and their remaining stock is placed upon the chance of a + single card. The event closes, and the man who yesterday + enjoyed the good opinion of the world, and the esteem and + confidence of his friends, to-day becomes the veriest + outcast of society! These are common cases, one of which, + for example, we will describe as the facts occurred:—In the + year 1816, a Clerk, possessing the highest reputation, + became a frequenter of a Rouge et Noir table. From the + nature of his employment, he had daily the command of large + sums, which, for a short time, he risked at play + successfully. One day, however, he brought with him his + employer's money, to the amount of 1700L. the whole of + which, in two days, he lost. We may judge of the unhappy + young man's feelings by his subsequent conduct. He wrote a + confession of the affair to the man he wronged, retired to a + tavern, and blew his brains out! + + These gaming-tables open at half-past twelve o'clock, + continue their orgies until five, and recommence at seven in + the evening. How many young men are passing their doors at + these hours with the property of others in their pockets!— + and what a temptation to risk it! It would seem as if these + places were set up as shops designed chiefly for the + accommodation of mid-day dealers in ill-fortune, as if + levelled directly at those men who cannot or will not spend + their nights in gambling; and how the proprietors contrive + to escape detection and punishment is surprising, + considering that the law affords ample means to put them + down. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[200]</span>they know their customers, and place + themselves here to watch the progress of their gains. Their attentions are + always directed to the new-comers. Remorseless, avaricious, and happy—unmarked + with the lines of care, which contract and deform the faces of their + victims, "They smile and smile, and murder while they smile." They will + explain the fairness of the game, and tell you of the great losses they + have sustained; but as this is no place for explanation, we must look on + and say nothing." + </p> + <p> + By this time, Merrywell and Mortimer were mingled in the throng at the + table. Sparkle was engaged in conversation with an old acquaintance, a + profusion of money was flying about, and a large heap or bank was placed + in the centre. All was anxiety, and, for a few moments, no sound was + heard, but the awful numbers of the eventful dealer; every countenance was + hushed in expectation, and every eye was fixed upon the coming card, which + should decide the fate of hundreds. It was an awful moment to every one + engaged in the play; but the pause was succeeded with a sort of + harlequinade movement, to a scene of confusion and uproar scarcely to be + conceived. + </p> + <p> + The appearance at the door of half a dozen persons armed with pistols, + rushing past the guardians, and bearing <span class="pagenum">[201]</span>away + all before them, had such an instantaneous effect upon the company, that + they all arose, as it were, to receive them, and the leader of the party + threw himself suddenly upon the pile of Bank-notes in the centre of the + table, with intent to seize the whole bank. + </p> + <p> + Confusion and dismay were now visibly depicted on every countenance, for + some, actuated by desperation at the prospect of ruin, and others by the + urgings of avarice, determined to have a scramble for the notes, which + they commenced most furiously, each one securing as much as he could to + himself. There was tumbling and tossing, and pulling and shoving, mouths + stuffed with hundreds, hundreds of mouths that were supperless, and likely + to continue so, unless they could now make sure of something. Bank paper + was literally going for nothing. However, the pistols being the most + powerful, the armed forces succeeded in seizing the greatest share of the + stock, and a negative sort of silence was at length restored. The party + was materially decreased; for, seeing they were betrayed, every one, after + an endeavour to secure a share of the spoil, deemed it necessary to make + good his retreat; and among the rest, our party, who had not interfered + with the play, or assisted in the entertainment, soon found themselves in + the street. + </p> + <p> + "Egad," said Sparkle, "I think we are in luck to escape so easily; we + might have been compelled to make our appearance at Bow Street to-morrow, + an occurrence I would studiously avoid." + </p> + <p> + "Well done, old steady," said Tom; "it is not long, you know, since you + was there, after a night's lodging in the neighbourhood." + </p> + <p> + "That was under very different circumstances," continued Sparkle; "in + defence of a woman I would risk my life at any time, but I would by no + means incur the imputation of being a gambler—it is a character I + abhor. I have before said I would never venture into those dens again, to + herd with swindlers of all descriptions." + </p> + <p> + "They all seem gay fellows, too," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied Sparkle; "but the character and conduct of a young man has + ere now been altered in one night: the evil effects produced by initiation + to those Hells are incalculable." + </p> + <p> + "Moralizing at midnight," said Tom; "an excellent title for a volume <i>sparkling</i> + contemplations." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[202]</span>"To be written by the Hon. Tom Dashall, + or the Merry Devil of Piccadilly," was the reply. + </p> + <p> + "Huzza!" said Merrywell, "if this is the case, our time will not be lost + in this excursion. Did you hear that Lord —— has been + compelled to put down his establishment in consequence of his losses at + play? pray don't forget to mention that in the work." + </p> + <p> + "Tis no new thing," continued Sparkle, "for Lords of the present day, + since I believe there are few of the nobility who are not either Greeks or + Pigeons; indeed, the list of visitors to these places contains names of + many persons who should set better examples to the humbler classes of the + community; for the unfortunate results of this too fatal propensity to + parents and society have been severely felt. Among many instances on + record, a very interesting one is related of a young Subaltern in a + regiment of cavalry, who, by successive losses, was reduced to such a + state of distress, as to form the desperate resolution of trying the road. + In a moment of agony, he accidentally met with an opportunity which seemed + to favour his design, having learned that a certain Baronet, recently + returned from India with abundance of wealth, had laid it out on landed + estates in England, and that he would on a certain day cross the country + with a large sum of money, after collecting his rents. + </p> + <p> + "He laid his plan for a meeting on a retired spot, and succeeded in + stopping the carriage—' Your money or your life,' said he, + presenting his pistol with a trembling hand. The Baronet, perceiving there + was a sort of gentlemanly air about him which indicated something more + than might be calculated on in the character of a highwayman, presented + him with his purse, a watch, and a valuable diamond ring, remarking, he + could not help conceiving that he was unaccustomed to the trade, and that + it was most desirable he should abandon it for ever. The young Officer, + though considerably confused and embarrassed by this observation, was not + to be disappointed of his booty, returned this property, and demanded the + larger sum, which for safety had been concealed in the bottom of the + carriage. The manner however in which this was done, only served to + confirm the suspicions of the Baronet, which he could not help expressing, + as he acknowledged the accuracy of the Highwayman's information, and + produced the property, observing, he was sure that <span class="pagenum">[203]</span>circumstances + of no common kind could have impelled him to this flagrant breach of the + laws. He asked as a favour, that he would grant him an interview at some + future period, pledging his honour that he should have no occasion to + repent such a singular mark of confidence. + </p> + <p> + "The Officer replied that he had, and he felt he could with safety trust + both his life and his honour in the veracity of Sir ——, and + appointed a meeting at the London Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, only + stipulating, that at such meeting both parties were to be unattended. As + the day of meeting approached, the Baronet thought seriously of the + solicited rencontre, and after enjoining perfect secresy on the part of + his friend, Col. ——, entreated him to be his companion. The + Colonel laughed at the idea, that any man who had robbed another should so + indiscreetly place his life in his hands, had no conception of his keeping + his appointment, and solemnly assured the Baronet that he would in no case + divulge who or what he was, that he might become acquainted with. + </p> + <p> + "The Colonel ridiculed his friend's credulity as they entered the house, + and were shewn to a private room. The appointed hour was eight in the + evening, and, as the clock of St. Paul's struck, a Gentleman inquiring for + Sir —— was shewn into the room—wine was ordered, and for + an hour a general conversation on the popular topics of the day ensued, + when the Gentleman, evidently under deeply impressed feelings of + embarrassment and disappointment, in which the Colonel seemed to partake, + arose, and politely took his leave. + </p> + <p> + "' Well,' said the Baronet, 'what think you of my Highwayman now 1—am + I not right?—is he not a gentleman?' + </p> + <p> + "' And this is the robber, is it, Sir?' said the Colonel—'Be assured + he shall swing for it—why, Sir, I know him well, he is a —— + in my own regiment.' + </p> + <p> + "'Hold,' said the Baronet, 'don't be rash, remember the solemn promise you + have given, and do not deceive me—I hold you bound to me, and will + not permit you to break your engagement—I have better objects in + view than the death of a fellow-creature.' + </p> + <p> + "He then requested to be informed of the general tenor of the young man's + conduct, which he found to be excellent, and that he was an indefatigable + officer—'Indeed,' said the Colonel, 'it would give me the greatest + <span class="pagenum">[204]</span>pain to lose him—an incomparably + affectionate husband and father. He has but one vice, to which may be + attributed his destruction, viz. his inordinate passion for gaming; but I + cannot feel justified in screening so flagrant an offender—the law + must take its course.' + </p> + <p> + "'Moderate your indignation,' said the worthy Baronet, assuming a more + serious tone, 'and remember you must be personalty answerable to me for + any disclosure you may think proper to make; and that inasmuch as you + injure him, you must injure me. You have already given him so high a + character in every respect but one, that I must interest you further in + his behalf, and beg you to assist me in my endeavours to reclaim, instead + of punishing him.' + </p> + <p> + "The Colonel was surprised; but the Baronet was inflexible. In vain he + urged that the magnitude of the crime utterly precluded such a proceeding. + </p> + <p> + "' It must be done,' said the Baronet, 'it shall be done. Leave all the + consequences to me; he has now left us in extreme, though suppressed + agitation—There is no time to lose—fly to save him.' + </p> + <p> + "The Colonel expressed his readiness to try the experiment. + </p> + <p> + "' Then,' said the Baronet, 'follow him immediately, assure him of my + forgiveness, and that if he will pledge his word to forsake this dangerous + vice, what he has already obtained he may hold as a gift, and I will add + whatever may be necessary to extricate him from any temporary + embarrassment.' + </p> + <p> + "It was an important embassy—life or death was to be decided by it. + The Colonel took his departure, certain of finding him at home taking + leave of his family, and, reaching his habitation a short time after his + arrival, witnessed a scene of misery which, although he had partly + anticipated, he could not have conceived. He found him, surrounded by his + wife and children, in an agony of desperation and despair. + </p> + <p> + "When he entered the apartment, the poor culprit, convinced by the + presence of his Colonel that all was lost, fell on his knees, and + supplicated if possible that his fame, not his life, might be spared for + the sake of his afflicted but innocent and injured family. Language has no + power to describe the surprise and consternation with which, after a + severe lecture, he received the joyful intelligence of <span + class="pagenum">[205]</span>which his Colonel was the bearer. He returned + with his Commanding Officer to —— Square, where he was + received by the Baronet as a repentant friend; and has lived to repair his + error, and become deservedly distinguished as an ornament to society, + civil and religious as well as military." + </p> + <p> + "That must be truly gratifying to the worthy Baronet,{1}' said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "No doubt of it," continued Sparkle, "it must be a source of continued + pleasure to find his labours have had so beneficial a result, having in + all probability saved a whole family from destruction. Surely it may be + said, that + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Among the idiot pranks of Wealth's abuse, + None seem so monstrous, none have less excuse, + Than those which throw an heritage away + Upon the lawless chance of desperate play; + Nor is there among knaves a wretch more base + Than he who steals it with a smiling face, + Who makes diversion to destruction tend, + And thrives upon the ruin of a friend." +</pre> + <p> + —"Yet the Greek, like the swindler{l} and the horse jockey, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Swindler—Is a term originally derived from the German, + Schwindel, which signifies merely to cheat. It was first + introduced as a cant term, and used to signify obtaining of + goods, credit, or money, under false pretences. It has since + had a legislative adoption, being parliamentary recognised + by an Act for the prevention of it. The artifices, schemes, + and crimes, resorted to by these gentry, are so numerous, + that it would be impossible to describe them all. One mode + of practice, however, is not uncommon in London. + + Three or four swell Jews contrive to hire a large house with + some spare rooms, in the City, that are turned into + warehouses, in which are a number of casks, boxes, &e. + filled with sand; and also a quantity of large sugar-loaves + in appearance, which are only clay done up in blue paper, + but corded and made up with great nicety. + + An elegant Counting-house is likewise furnished with books + and other apparatus, to deceive the eye and give the + appearance of extensive business, great regularity, and + large property. The Clerks in attendance are a set of Jews, + who are privy to the scheme, and equally ready at fraud as + those who profess to be the Principals. + + A Dining-room elegantly furnished upon the <i>mace</i>,* receives + you + + * The Mace—Is a person who carries all the appearance of a + great and rich man, with servants, carriages, &c. for the + purpose of defrauding tradesmen and others, by all manner of + plans most calculated to entrap the parties they intend to + dupe. + + whenever it is necessary to admit of your visits; a Black + Servant opens the street-door, and the foot of the stair- + case presents surtouts, boots, livery-cloths, a large blue + coat with a yellow cape, and habiliments in which the + opulent! array their servants. With these and similar + merchant-like appearances Trade is commenced, and persons + dispatched to provincial manufacturing towns, to buy various + articles; for the amount of the first purchases, bills are + drawn upon the Firm, and even before the goods are pack'd + up, and sent according to order, the acceptances are paid, + and, by this means, credit is partly established, which, + once accomplished, they are in want of large assortments for + exportation upon credit, at one, two, and three months. The + goods are accordingly chosen and forwarded to their + associates in London, where they are immediately disposed + of at 20 or 30 per cent, cheaper than the prime cost, and + the money realised. The first bills become due, are noted, + and protested. The second are presented, but the House has + stopped payment, and the Owners are bankrupts. By the time + the third month's bills become due, the docket is struck, + the Assignees chosen, and there is not sixpence in the pound + left for the Creditors. Petitions are ineffectually + presented to the Chancellor, for a number of fictitious + Creditors, of the same profession and persuasion, over-swear + the just ones, and by exceeding them in number and value, + the House obtains its certificate, and has again the power + of committing similar depredations. + + Perhaps the most daring and systematic proceeding of this + kind was that lately detected in the conspiracy of Mosely + Wolfe and his confederates, for which he is now suffering + the sentence of the law. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[206]</span>prides himself on his success, boasts of + his being <i>down as a nail</i>, and—" + </p> + <p> + "<i>Down as a nail!</i>" said Bob, "I don't remember hearing that + expression before." + </p> + <p> + "<i>Down as a hammer, or Down as a nail</i>" continued Sparkle, "are cant + or slang terms made use of among gamblers, and are synonimous with being + up; and it must be confessed that there are many ups and downs amongst + them. These flash words are well understood by many a young Greek, who + perhaps knows nothing of the Greek Testament, although the use of them has + proved in some cases beyond the comprehension of a Judge. Hence the + necessity of knowing Life; for if a man gets familiarized with low life, + he will necessarily be up, and consequently stand a great chance of being + a rising genius. How proper it must be to know how to get a rise upon a + fellow, or, in other words, to get him in a line! + </p> + <p> + "A learned Judge once, examining a queer covy, a flash customer, or a rum + fellow, asked him his reason for suspecting the prisoner at the bar of + stealing a watch, (which among the lads is scientifically termed nimming a + toiler, or <span class="pagenum">[207]</span>nabbing a clicker,) replied + as follows:—'Why, your honour, only because you see as how I was up + to him.'—'How do you mean, what is being up to him? '—' Why, + bless your heart, I was down upon him, and had him bang.' But still + perceiving the learned Gentleman's want of nous, he endeavoured to explain + by saying, That he was <i>up to his gossip</i>,—that he stagged him, + for he was not to be done—that he knew the trick, and was up the + moment the chap came into the Cock and Hen Club, where he was tucking in + his grub and bub.—Had the learned Judge been up himself, much time + and trouble might have been saved; and indeed the importance of being down + as a nail, to a man of fashion, is almost incalculable; for this reason it + is, that men of high spirit think it no derogation from their dignity or + rank, to be well acquainted with all the slang of the coachman and + stable-boy, all the glossary of the Fancy, and all the mysterious language + of the scamps, the pads, the divers, and all upon the lay, which, by an + attentive and apt scholar, may easily be procured at a Gaming-house. + </p> + <p> + "Of Hells in general, it may fairly be asserted, that they are infernally + productive; no other line of business can be compared to these money + mills, since they are all thriving concerns, the proprietors of which keep + their country houses, extensive establishments, dashing equipages; and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "While they have money they ride it in chaises. + And look very big upon those that have none." +</pre> + <p> + "It certainly is a pity that men do not keep constantly in their + recollection, that no calculation of chances can avail them, and that + between the après, the limitation of stakes, and other manouvres, the + table must eventually be an immense winner. + </p> + <p> + "For Greeks stick at nothing to gain their own ends, And they sacrifice + all their acquaintance and friends; + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And thus luckless P'——n, to gain what he'd lost, +</pre> + <p> + Put his faith in a Greek, which he knows to his cost; Join'd a bank, as he + thought, when the sly Greeking elf Of a friend soon contriv'd for to break + it himself. You credulous pigeons! I would have you beware, Of falling + yourselves in a similar snare." + </p> + <p> + "We ought to consider ourselves greatly obliged," said Merry well, "for + the accurate description of characters <span class="pagenum">[208]</span>you + have given. But have you heard the report that is now in circulation, that + a certain Marquis of high military celebrity, and whose property is, or + was, very considerable, has lost almost his last shilling?" + </p> + <p> + "I," said Sparkle, "am seldom surprised at such rumours, particularly of + persons who are known to be players, for they are rich and poor in rapid + succession; but if there be any truth in the report, there is a fine + example of perseverance before him—for Lord ——, after a + long run of ill-luck, being refused the loan of an additional rouleau,{1} + on account of his score being rather long, left the company in dudgeon, + and determining on revenge, actually opened another Hell in opposition to + the one he had left, and by that means recovered all his money." + </p> + <p> + "That was well done," rejoined Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "It was rather too much of a trading concern for a Lord," said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "Not for a gambling Lord," replied Merry well; "for there is in fact + nothing beneath a Greek, in the way of play: besides, it was a trying + situation, and required some desperate attempt—they care not who + they associate with, so they do but bring grist to the mill." + </p> + <p> + "The confusion of persons and characters at a Gaming-house," said Sparkle, + "are almost incredible, all ranks and descriptions are mingled together. + </p> + <p> + "What confusion of titles and persons we see Amongst Gamesters, who spring + out of every degree, From the prince to the pauper; all panting for play, + Their fortune, their time, and their life pass away; Just as mingled are + Pigeons, for 'tis no rebuke For a Greek to pluck all, from a Groom to a + Duke." + </p> + <p> + "It is too true," said Dashall, "and equally as certain, that there are + continually new comers ready and willing to be duped, or at least ready to + risk their property, notwithstanding the warnings they have from their + more experienced friends." + </p> + <p> + "And is there no possibility of obtaining fair play?" inquired Bob, "or + redress for being pigeon'd, as you term it?" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A Rouleau—Is a packet containing one hundred guineas; but + as guineas are not quite so fashionable in the present day + as they formerly were, some of these Houses, for the + accommodation of their customers, circulate guinea-notes + upon their bankers. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[209]</span>"None," said Sparkle; "for if men will + play at bowls, they must expect rubbers; and the system of confederacy is + carried on every where, though perhaps with most success in those + professed Gambling-houses, which young men of property ought carefully to + avoid." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had reached the end of St. James's Street; it was + therefore proposed by Sparkle that they should separate, particularly as + it was growing late, or rather early in the morning; and, as they had been + in some degree baffled in their attempt to take a minute survey of the + proceedings in Pall Mall, they had no decided object in view. Accordingly + they parted, Tom and Bob pursuing their way along Piccadilly, while + Sparkle, Merrywell, and Mortimer, proceeded down Bond Street. + </p> + <p> + "I am by no means satisfied," said Tom, "with this evening's ramble, nor + exactly pleased to find our friend Sparkle is getting so sentimental." + </p> + <p> + "He is, at least," said Tallyho, "very communicative and instructive—I + should feel less embarrassment at a future visit to one of those places, + though, I can assure you, I should carefully avoid the chance of becoming + a pigeon; but to know these things is certainly useful." + </p> + <p> + "We must lay our plans better for the future," said Tom—"example is + better than precept; and, as for Sparkle, I strongly suspect he is + studying a part in All for Love, or the World well lost. That kind of + study is too laborious for me, I can't bear to be fettered; or if it be + true that it is what we must all come to, my time is not yet arrived. + Though I confess Miss Mortimer has many attractions not to be overlooked + by an attentive observer; at the same time I perceive this Mr. Merrywell + is equally assiduous to obtain the young lady's favours." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had arrived at home, where, after partaking of + refreshment, they retired to rest.<span class="pagenum">[210]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Cataracts of declamation thunder here, + There, forests of no meaning spread the page, + In which all comprehension wanders, lost, + While fields of pleasantry amuse us there + With many descants on a nation's woes. + The rest appears a wilderness of strange, + But gay confusion—roses for the cheeks, + And lilies for the brows of faded age; + Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald, + Heav'n, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets; + Nectareous essences, Olympian dews, + Sermons and City feasts, and fav'rite airs, + Ethereal journeys, submarine exploits, + And Katerfelto with his hair on end, + At his own wonders wond'ring for his bread." +</pre> + <p> + "WELL," said Tom, "it must be confessed that a Newspaper is a most + convenient and agreeable companion to the breakfast-table," laying down + the <i>Times</i> as he spoke: "it is a sort of literary hotch-potch, + calculated to afford amusement suited to all tastes, rank-, and degrees; + it contains + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Tales of love and maids mistaken, + Of battles fought, and captives taken." +</pre> + <p> + "Then, I presume," said Bob, "you have been gratified and interested in + the perusal?" + </p> + <p> + "It is impossible to look down the columns of a newspaper," replied Tom, + "without finding subjects to impart light; and of all the journals of the + present day, the <i>Times</i> appears to me the best in point of + information and conduct; but I spoke of newspapers generally, there is + such a mixture of the <i>utile et dulce</i>, that the Merchant and the + Mechanic, the Peer, the Poet, the Prelate, and the Peasant, are all deeply + concerned in its contents. In truth, a newspaper is so true a mark of the + caprice of Englishmen, that it may justly be styled their coat of <span + class="pagenum">[211]</span>arms. The Turkish Koran is not near so sacred + to a rigid Mahometan—a parish-dinner to an Overseer—a + turtle-feast to an Alderman, or an election to a Freeholder, as a Gazette + or Newspaper to an Englishman: by it the motions of the world are watched, + and in some degree governed—the arts and sciences protected and + promoted—the virtuous supported and stimulated—the vicious + reproved and corrected—and all informed." + </p> + <p> + "Consequently," said Bob, "a good Newspaper is really a valuable article." + </p> + <p> + "Doubtless," continued Tom; "and John Bull—mistake me not, I don't + mean the paper which bears that title—I mean the population of + England, enjoy a Newspaper, and there are some who could not relish their + breakfasts without one; it is a sort of general sauce to every thing, and + to the <i>quid nunc</i> is indispensable—for if one informs him of a + naval armament, he will not fail to toast the Admirals all round in pint + bumpers to each, wishes them success, gets drunk with excessive loyalty, + and goes with his head full of seventy-fours, sixty-fours, frigates, + transports, fire-ships, &c. In its diversified pages, persons of every + rank, denomination, and pursuit, may be informed—the Philosopher, + the Politician, the Citizen, the Handicraftsman, and the Gossip, are + regaled by the novelty of its contents, the minuteness of its details, and + the refreshing arrivals of transactions which occupy the attention of + human beings at the greatest or nearest distances from us— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——a messenger of grief + Perhaps to thousands, and of joy to some: + What is it but a map of life, + Its fluctuations and its vast concerns?" +</pre> + <p> + It may with propriety be compared to the planetary system: the light which + it diffuses round the mental hemisphere, operates according as it is seen, + felt, understood, or enjoyed: for instance, the Miser is gladdened by an + account of the rise of the stocks—the Mariner is rejoiced, at the + safety of his vessel after a thunder-storm—the Manufacturer, to hear + of the revival of foreign markets—the Merchant, that his cargo is + safely arrived—the Member, that his election is secured—the + Father, that his son is walling to return home—the Poet, that <span + class="pagenum">[212]</span>his production has been favourably received by + the public—the Physician, that a difficult cure is transmitting his + fame to posterity—the Actor, that his talents are duly appreciated—the + Agriculturist, that grain fetches a good price—the upright man, that + his character is defended—the poor man, that beer, meat, bread, and + vegetables, are so within his reach that he can assure himself of being + able to obtain a good Sunday's dinner. + </p> + <p> + "Tho' they differ in narrie, all alike, just the same, Morning Chronicle, + Times, Advertiser, British Press, Morning Post, of News—what a host + We read every day, and grow wiser; The Examiner, Whig—all alive to + the gig, While each one his favourite chooses; Star, Traveller, and Sun, + to keep up the fun, And tell all the world what the news is." + </p> + <p> + "Well done," said Bob, "you seem to have them all at your tongue's end, + and their general contents in your head; but, for my part, I am struck + with surprise to know how it is they find interesting matter enough at all + times to fill their columns." + </p> + <p> + "Nothing more easy," continued Dashall, "especially for a newspaper whose + contents are not sanctioned by authority; in which case they are so much + the more the receptacle of invention—thence—We hear—it + is said—a correspondent remarks—whereas, &c—all + which serve to please, surprise, and inform. We hear, can alter a man's + face as the weather would a barometer—It is said, can distort + another like a fit of the spasm—If, can make some cry—while + Suppose, can make others laugh—but a Whereas operates like an + electric shock; and though it often runs the extremity of the kingdom in + unison with the rest, they altogether form a very agreeable mixture, + occasionally interspersed, as opportunity offers, with long extracts from + the last published novel, and an account of the prevailing fashions. But + domestic occurrences form a very essential part of this folio: thus, a + marriage hurts an old maid and mortifies a young one, while it consoles + many a poor dejected husband, who is secretly pleased to find another + fallen into his case—a death, if of a wife, makes husbands envy the + widower, while, perhaps, some one of the women who censure his alleged + want of <span class="pagenum">[213]</span>decent sorrow, marry him within + a month after—in fact, every person is put in motion by a Newspaper. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Here various news is found, of love and strife; + Of peace and war, health, sickness, death, and life; + Of loss and gain, of famine and of store; + Of storms at sea, and travels on the shore; + Of prodigies and portents seen in air; + Of fires and plagues, and stars with blazing hair; + Of turns of fortune, changes in the state, + The falls of favourites, projects of the great." +</pre> + <p> + "It is a bill of fare, containing all the luxuries as well as necessaries, + of life. Politics, for instance, are the roast beef of the times; essays, + the plum pudding; and poetry the fritters, confections, custards, and all + the <i>et cotera</i> of the table, usually denominated trifles. Yet the + four winds are not liable to more mutability than the vehicles of these + entertainments; for instance, on Monday, it is whispered—on Tuesday, + it is rumoured—on Wednesday, it is conjectured—on Thursday, it + is probable—on Friday, it is positively asserted—and, on + Saturday, it is premature. But notwithstanding this, some how or other, + all are eventually pleased; for, as the affections of all are divided + among wit, anecdote, poetry, prices of stocks, the arrival of ships, &c. + a Newspaper is a repository where every one has his hobby-horse; without + it, coffee-houses, &c. would be depopulated, and the country squire, + the curate, the exciseman, and the barber, and many others, would lose + those golden opportunities of appearing so very wise as they do. + </p> + <p> + A Newspaper may also be compared to the Seasons. Its information varies on + the roll of Time, and much of it passes away as a Winter, giving many a + bitter pang of the death of a relative or hopeful lover; it is as a + Spring, for, in the time of war and civil commotion, its luminary, the + editor, like the morning sun, leads Hope forward to milder days and + happier prospects—the smiles of peace; it is the heart's Summer + calendar, giving news of marriages and births for heirs and patrons; it is + the Autumn of joy, giving accounts of plenty, and guarding the avaricious + against the snares of self-love, and offering arguments in favour of + humanity. It is more; a Newspaper is one of the most faithful lessons that + can be represented to our reflections, for, while it is the interpreter + <span class="pagenum">[214]</span>of the general economy of nature, it is + a most kind and able instructress to improve ourselves. + </p> + <p> + What are our lives but as the ephemeral appearance of an advertisement? + Our actions but as the actions of a popular contest? Our hopes, fears, + exultations, but as the cross readings of diurnal events? And although + grief is felt at the perusal of accidents, offences, and crimes, which are + necessarily and judiciously given, there is in every good Newspaper an + impartial record, an abstract of the times, a vast fund of useful + knowledge; and, finally, no person has reason, after perusing it, to rise + without being thankful that so useful a medium is offered to his + understanding; at least, this is my opinion." + </p> + <p> + "And now you have favoured me with this opinion," rejoined Tallyho, "will + you be kind enough to inform me to what fortunate circumstance I am + indebted for it?" + </p> + <p> + "The question comes very apropos," continued Tom—"for I had nearly + forgotten that circumstance, so that you may perhaps be inclined to + compare my head to a newspaper, constantly varying from subject to + subject; but no matter, a novelty has just struck my eye, which I think + will afford us much gratification: it is the announcement of an exhibition + of engravings by living artists, under the immediate patronage of his + Majesty, recently opened in Soho Square, through the public spirited + exertions of Mr. Cooke, a celebrated engraver—And now I think of it, + Mortimer and his Sister intend visiting Somerset House—egad! we will + make a morning of it in reviewing the Arts—what say you?" + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," returned Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Be it so, then," said Tom—"So-ho, my boy—perhaps we may meet + the love-sick youth, poor Sparkle; he has certainly received the wound of + the blind urchin—I believe we must pity him—but come, let us + prepare, we will lounge away an hour in walking down Bond Street—peep + at the wags and the wag-tails, and take Soho Square in our way to Somerset + House. I feel myself just in the humour for a bit of gig, and 1 promise + you we will make a night of it." + </p> + <p> + The preliminaries of their route being thus arranged, in half an hour they + were on their road down Bond Street, marking and remarking upon + circumstances and subjects as they arose. + </p> + <p> + "Who is that Lady?" said Bob, seeing Tom bow as a dashing carriage passed + them. + </p> + <p> + "That is a Lady Townley, according to the generally + </p> + <p> + received term." + </p> + <p> + "A lady of title, as I suspected," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, yes," replied Tom Dashall, "a distinguished personage, I can assure + you—one of the most dashing demireps of the present day, basking at + this moment in the plenitude of her good fortune. She is however deserving + of a better fate: well educated and brought up, she was early initiated + into the mysteries and miseries of high life. You seem to wonder at the + title I have given her." + </p> + <p> + "I am astonished again, I confess," replied Bob; "but it appears there is + no end to wonders in London—nor can I guess how you so accurately + know them." + </p> + <p> + "Along residence in London affords opportunities for + </p> + <p> + discovery. + </p> + <p> + "As the French very justly say, that <i>Il n'y a que le premier pas qui + coûte</i>, and just as, with all the sapience of medicine, there is but a + degree betwixt the Doctor and the Student, so, after the first step, there + is but a degree betwixt the Demirep and the gazetted Cyprian, who is known + by head-mark to every insipid Amateur and Fancier in the town. + </p> + <p> + "The number of these frail ones is so great, that, if I were to attempt to + go through the shades and gradations, the distinctions and titles, from + the promiscuous Duchess to the interested Marchande de mode, and from her + down to the Wood Nymphs of the English Opera, there would be such a longo + ordine génies, that although it is a very interesting subject, well worthy + of investigation, it would occupy a considerable portion of time; however, + I will give you a slight sketch of some well known and very topping + articles. Mrs. B——m, commonly called B——g, Mrs. P——n, + and Mrs. H——d, of various life. "The modern Pyrrha, B——g, + has a train as long as an eastern monarch, but it is a train of lovers. + The Honourable B—— C——n, that famous gentleman + miller, had the honour at one time (like Cromwell,) of being the Protector + of the Republic. The infamous Greek, bully, informer and reprobate W——ce, + was her accomplice and paramour at another. Lord V——l boasted + her favours at a third period; and she wished to look upon him in a + fatherly <span class="pagenum">[216]</span>light; but it would not do. Mr. + C. T. S. the nephew of a great naval character, is supposed to have a + greater or prior claim there; but the piebald harlequin is owned not by + "Light horse, but by heavy." + </p> + <p> + "Mr. P——y, however, was so struck with the increased + </p> + <p> + attractions of this Cyprian, that he offered to be her protector during a + confinement which may be alarming to many, but interesting to a few. This + was being doubly diligent, and accordingly as it was two to one in his + favour, no wonder he succeeded in his suit. The difficulties which Madame + laboured under were sufficient to decide her in this youth's favour; and + the preference, upon such an occasion, must have been highly flattering to + him. On the score of difficulties, Cyprians are quite in fashion; for + executions and arrests are very usual in their mansions, and the last + comer has the exquisite felicity of relieving them. + </p> + <p> + "Although this dashing Lady was the daughter of a bathing woman at + Brighton, she was not enabled to keep her head above water. + </p> + <p> + "I must not forget Poll P——n, whose select friends have such + cause to be proud of lier election. This Diana is not descended from a + member of the Rump Parliament, nor from a bum bailiff; but was the + daughter of a bumboat woman at Plymouth. She has, however, since that + period, commenced business for herself; and that in such a respectable and + extensive line, that she counts exactly seven thousand customers! all + regularly booked. What a delectable amusement to keep such a register! <i>Neanmoins</i>, + or <i>nean plus</i>, if you like. It is reported that the noble Y—— + was so delighted with her at the Venetian fête given by Messrs. W—ll—ms + and D—h—r—ty, that he gave the Virgin Unmasked several + very valuable presents, item, a shawl value one hundred guineas, &c. + and was honoured by being put on this Prime Minister of the Court of + Love's list—number Seven thousand and one! What a fortunate man! + </p> + <p> + "Mrs. H——d is lineally descended, not from William the + Conqueror, but from W——s the coachman. She lived, for a + considerable time, in a mews, and it was thought that it was his love for + the <i>Muses</i> which attached C—— L—— so closely + to her. She was seduced at a most indelicately juvenile age by a Major M——l, + who protected her but a short time, and then deserted her. Then <span + class="pagenum">[217]</span>she became what the Cyprians term Lady Townly, + till Mr. H——d, a youth with considerable West India property + in expectation, married her. + </p> + <p> + "On this happy occasion, her hymeneal flame burned with so much warmth and + purity, that she shared it with a linen-draper, and the circumstance + became almost immediately known to the husband! This was a happy presage + of future connubial felicity! The very day before this domestic exposure, + and the happy vigil of Mr. H——d's happier "<i>jour des noces</i>," + the darling of the Muses or Mewses, Mr. L—— procured Lady H——d's + private box for her at one of the theatres, whither she and Mrs. CI——y, + the mistress of an officer of that name, repaired in the carriage of the + Mews lover, which has become completely "the Demirep or Cyprian's + Diligence," and these patterns for the fair sex had poured out such + plentiful libations to Bacchus, that her ladyship's box exhibited the + effects of their devotions! What a regale for the Princess of Madagascar! + </p> + <p> + "The guardians, or trustees, of Mr. H——d now withheld his + property, and Madame assisted him into the King's Bench, during which time + she kept terms with Mr. L—— at Oxford. On her return, she got + acquainted with a Capt. Cr——ks, whom she contrived soon + afterwards to lodge, in the next room to her husband, in the Bench; but to + whom she kindly gave the preference in her visits. + </p> + <p> + "Whether C—— L——, W—lk—s the + linen-draper, or Capt. C——k, be the most favoured swain, or + swine, I venture not to say; but the former has devoted his time, his + chariot, and his female acquaintances' boxes in public to her. As a pledge + of his love, she helped herself to a loose picture of great value + belonging to him, which very nearly fell into the hands of John Doe or + Richard Roe, on her husband's account, afterwards. The palm should, + however, certainly be given to Mr. L——, as he courted her + classically, moralized to her sentimentally, sung psalms and prayed with + her fervently, and, on all occasions, treated her like a lady." + </p> + <p> + "Ha," said a fashionably dressed young man, who approached towards + Dashall, "Ha, my dear fellow, how goes it with you? Haven't seen you this + month; d——d unlucky circumstance—wanted you very much + indeed—glorious sport—<i>all jolly and bang up</i>." <span + class="pagenum">[218]</span>"Glad to hear it," said Tom,—"sorry you + should have experienced any wants on my account." + </p> + <p> + "Which way are you going? Come along, I'll tell you of such a spree—regular, + and nothing but—You must know, a few days ago, sauntering down + Bond-street, I overtook Sir G. W. 'Ha! my gay fellow,' said he, 'I thought + you were at Bibury; you're the very man I want. My brother Jack has lost a + rump and dozen to a young one, and we want to make up a select party, a + set of real hardheaded fellows, to share the feast. I have already + recruited Sir M. M., the buck Parson, Lord Lavender, and Tom Shuffleton. + Then there's yourself, I hope, my brother and I, the young one, and A——'s + deputy, the reprobate Curate, whom we will have to make fun of. We dine at + half-past seven, at Long's, and there will be some sport, I assure you.' + </p> + <p> + "I accepted the invitation, and met the company before mentioned. A rump + and dozen is always a nominal thing. There was no rump, except Lavender's, + which projects like a female's from the bottom of a tight-laced pair of + stays; and as for the dozen, I believe we drank nearer three dozen of + different expensive wines, which were tasted one after the other with a + quickness of succession, which at last left no taste, but a taste for more + drink, and for all sorts of wickedness. + </p> + <p> + "This tasting plan is a very successful trick of tavern keepers, which + enables them to carry off half bottles of wine, to swell the reckoning + most amazingly, and so to bewilder people as to the qualities of the wine, + that any thing, provided it be strong and not acid, will go down at the + heel of the evening. It is also a grand manouvre; to intoxicate a Johnny + Raw, and to astonish his weak mind with admiration for the founder of the + feast. Therefore, the old trick of 'I have got some particularly + high-flavoured Burgundy, which Lord Lavender very much approved t'other + day;' and, 'Might I, Sir, ask your opinion of a new importation of + Sillery?' or, 'My Lord, 1 have bought all the Nabob's East India Madeira,' + &c. was successfully practised. + </p> + <p> + "Through the first course we were stag-hunting, to a man, and killed the + stag just as the second course came on the table. This course was occupied + by a great number of long shots of Sir M. M., and by Lavender offering to + back himself and the buck Parson against any other two <span + class="pagenum">[219]</span>men in England, as to the number of head of + game which they would bag from sun-rise to sun-set upon the moors. A foot + race, and a dispute as to the odds betted on the second October Meeting, + occupied the third course. The desert was enlivened by a list of ladies of + all descriptions, whose characters were cut up full as ably as the haunch + of venison was carved; and here boasting of success in love was as general + as the custom is base. One man of fashion goes by the name of Kiss and + tell. + </p> + <p> + "After an hour of hard drinking, as though it had been for a wager, a + number of very manly, nice little innocent and instructive amusements were + resorted to. We had a most excellent maggot race for a hundred; and then a + handycap for a future poney race. We had pitching a guinea into a + decanter, at which the young one lost considerably. We had a raffle for a + gold snuff box, a challenge of fifty against Lord Lavender's Dusseldorf + Pipe, and five hundred betted upon the number of shot to be put into a Joe + Manton Rifle. We played at <i>te-to-tum</i>; and the young one leaped over + a handkerchief six feet high for a wager: he performed extremely well at + first, but at last Lavender, who betted against him, kept plying him so + with wine, and daring him to an inch higher and higher, until at last the + young one broke his nose, and lost five hundred guineas by his boyish + diversion. + </p> + <p> + Now we had a fulminating letter introduced as a hoax upon Shuffleton; + next, devils and broiled bones; then some blasphemous songs from the + Curate, who afterwards fell asleep, and thus furnished an opportunity for + having his face blacked. We then got in a band of itinerant musicians; put + crackers in their pockets; cut off one fellow's tail; and had a milling + match betwixt the baronet in the chair and the stoutest of them, who, + having had spirits of wine poured over his head, refused to let the candle + be put to it! + </p> + <p> + Peace being restored, a regular supper appeared; and then a regular set-to + at play, where I perceived divers signals thrown out, such as rubbing of + foreheads and chins, taking two pinches of snuff and other private + telegraphic communications, the result of which was, the young one, just + of age, being greeked to a very great amount. + </p> + <p> + We now sallied forth, like a pack in full cry, with all the loud + expression of mirth and riot, and proceeded to <span class="pagenum">[220]</span>old + 77, which, being shut up, we swore like troopers, and broke the parlour + windows in a rage. We next cut the traces of a hackney coach, and led the + horses into a mews, ?where we tied them up; coachee being asleep inside + the whole time. We then proceeded to old <i>Ham-a-dry-ed</i>, the bacon + man's, called out Fire, and got the old man down to the door in his shirt, + when Lavender ran away with his night-cap, and threw it into the water in + St. James's Square, whilst the Baronet put it in right and left at his + sconce, and told him to hide his d——d ugly masard. This + induced him to come out and call the Watch, during which time the buck + Parson got into his house, and was very snug with the cook wench until the + next evening, when <i>old fusty mug</i> went out upon business. + </p> + <p> + After giving a view holloa! we ran off, with the Charleys in full cry + after us, when Sir G. W., who had purposely provided himself with a long + cord, gave me one end, and ran to the opposite side of Jermyn Street with + the other in his hand, holding it about two feet from the pavement. The + old Scouts came up in droves, and we had 'em down in a moment, for every + mother's son of the guardians were caught in the trap, and rolled over + each other slap into the kennel. Never was such a prime bit of gig! They + lay stunn'd with the fall—broken lanterns, staves, rattles, Welsh + wigs, night-caps and old hats, were scattered about in abundance, while + grunting, growling, and swearing was heard in all directions. One old buck + got his jaw-bone broken; another staved in two of his crazy timbers, that + is to say, broke a couple of ribs; a third bled from the nose like a pig; + a fourth squinted admirably from a pair of painted peepers; their numbers + however increasing, we divided our forces and marched in opposite + directions; one party sallied along Bond Street, nailed up a snoosy + Charley in his box, and bolted with his lantern: the others were not so + fortunate, for A——'s deputy cushion thumper, the young one, + and the Baronet's brother, got safely lodged in St. James's Watch-house. + </p> + <p> + "Broad daylight now glar'd upon us—Lavender retired comfortably upon + Madame la Comtesse in the Bench; Sir M. M. was found chanting Cannons with + some Wood nymphs not an hundred and fifty miles off from Leicester Square; + I had the President to carry home on my shoulders, bundled to bed, and + there I lay sick for four and twenty hours, when a little inspiring Coniac + brought <span class="pagenum">[221]</span>me to my senses again, and now I + am ready and ripe for another spree. Stap my vitals if there isn't + Lavender—my dear fellow, adieu—remember me to Charley Sparkle + when you see him—by, by." And with this he sprung across the road, + leaving Bob and his Cousin to comment at leisure upon his folly. + </p> + <p> + They were however soon aroused from their reflections by perceiving a + Groom in livery advancing rapidly towards them, followed by a curricle, + moving at the rate of full nine miles per hour. + </p> + <p> + "Who have we here?" said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "A character well known," said Tom; "that is Lady L——, a + dashing female whip of the first order—mark how she manages her tits—take + a peep at her costume and learn while you look." + </p> + <p> + "More than one steed must Delia's empire feel Who sits triumphant o'er the + flying wheel; And as she guides it through th' admiring throng, With what + an air she smacks the silken thong!" + </p> + <p> + The Lady had a small round riding-hat, of black beaver, and sat in the + true attitude of a coachman—wrists pliant, elbows square, she + handled her whip in a scientific manner; and had not Tom declared her sex, + Bob would hardly have discovered it from her outward appearance. She was + approaching them at a brisk trot, greeting her numerous acquaintance as + she passed with familiar nods, at each giving her horses an additional + touch, and pursing up her lips to accelerate their speed; indeed, she was + so intent upon the management of her reins, and her eyes so fixed upon her + cattle, that there was no time for more than a sort of sidelong glance of + recognition; and every additional smack of the whip seem'd to say, "<i>Here + I come—that's your sort</i>." Her whole manner indeed was very + similar to what may be witnessed in Stage-coachmen, Hackneymen, and + fashionable Ruffians, who appear to think that all merit consists in + copying them when they tip a brother whip the go-by, or almost graze the + wheel of a Johnny-raw, and turn round with a grin of self-approbation, as + much as to say—"<i>What d'ye think of that now, eh f—there's a + touch for you—lord, what a flat you must be!</i>" + </p> + <p> + Bob gazed with wonder and astonishment as she passed. + </p> + <p> + "How?" said he, "do the ladies of London frequently take the whip?—" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[222]</span>"—Hand of their husbands as well + as their horses," replied Tom—"often enough, be assured." + </p> + <p> + "But how, in the name of wonder, do they learn to drive in this style?" + </p> + <p> + "Easily enough; inclination and determination will accomplish their + objects. Why, among the softer sex, we have female Anatomists—female + Students in Natural History—Sculptors, and Mechanics of all + descriptions—Shoe-makers and Match-makers—and why not + Charioteers?" + </p> + <p> + "Nay, I am not asking why; but as it appears rather out of the common way, + I confess my ignorance has excited my curiosity on a subject which seems + somewhat out of nature." + </p> + <p> + "I have before told you, Nature has nothing to do with Real Life in + London." + </p> + <p> + "And yet," continued Bob, "we are told, and I cannot help confessing the + truth of the assertion, with respect to the ladies, that + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——Loveliness + Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, + But is, when unadorned, adorn'd the most," + This certainly implies a natural or native grace." +</pre> + <p> + "Pshaw," said Dashall, "that was according to the Old school; such + doctrines are completely exploded now-a-days, for Fashion is at variance + with Nature in all her walks; hence, driving is considered one of the + accomplishments necessary to be acquired by the female sex in high life, + by which an estimate of character may be formed: for instance—if a + lady take the reins of her husband, her brother, or a lover, it is + strongly indicative of assuming the mastery; but should she have no + courage or muscular strength, and pays no attention to the art of + governing and guiding her cattle, it is plain that she will become no + driver, no whip, and may daily run the risk of breaking the necks of + herself and friends. If however she should excel in this study, she + immediately becomes masculine and severe, and she punishes, when occasion + requires, every animal within the reach of her lash—acquires an + ungraceful attitude and manner—heats her complexion by over exertion—sacrifices + her softness to accomplish her intentions—runs a risk of having hard + hands, and perhaps a hard heart: at all events she gains unfeminine + habits, and <span class="pagenum">[223]</span>such as are found very + difficult to get rid of, and prides herself on being the go, the gaze, the + gape, the stare of all who see her." + </p> + <p> + "A very admirable, and no doubt equally happy state," quoth Bob, half + interrupting him. + </p> + <p> + "If she learn the art of driving from the family coachman, it cannot be + doubted but such tuition is more than likely to give her additional grace, + and to teach her all that is polite; and then the pleasure of such company + whilst superintending her studies, must tend to improve her mind; the + freedom of these teachers of coachmanship, and the language peculiar to + themselves, at first perhaps not altogether agreeable, is gradually worn + away by the pride of becoming an accomplished whip—to know how to <i>turn + a corner in style—tickle Snarler in the ear—cut up the yelper—take + out a fly's eye in bang-up twig</i>." + </p> + <p> + "Excellent! indeed," cried Bob, charmed with Dashall's irony, and willing + to provoke it farther; "and pray, when this art of driving is thoroughly + learned, what does it tend to but a waste of time, a masculine enjoyment, + and a loss of feminine character—of that sweet, soft and + overpowering submission to and reliance on the other sex, which, whilst it + demands our protection and assistance, arouses our dearest sympathies—our + best interests—attaches, enraptures, and subdues us?" + </p> + <p> + "Nonsense," continued Tom, "you might ask such questions for a month—who + cares about these submissions and reliances—protections and + sympathies—they are not known, at least it is very unfashionable to + acknowledge their existence. Why I have known ladies so infatuated and + affected by an inordinate love of charioteering, that it has completely + altered them, not only as to dress, but manners and feeling, till at + length they have become more at home in the stable than the drawing-room; + and some, that are so different when dressed for dinner, that the driving + habiliments appear like complete masquerade disguises. Indeed, any thing + that is natural is considered quite out of nature; and this affectation is + not wholly confined to the higher circles, for in the City even the men + and the women seem to have changed places. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Man-milliners and mantua-makers swarm + With clumsy hands to deck the female form— + With brawny limbs to fit fine ladies' shapes, + Or measure out their ribbons, lace and tapes; + Or their rude eye the bosom's swell surveys, + To cut out corsets or to stitch their stays; + Or making essences and soft perfume, + Or paint, to give the pallid cheek fresh bloom; + Or with hot irons, combs, and frizzling skill, + On ladies' heads their daily task fulfil; + Or, deeply versed in culinary arts, + Are kneading pasty, making pies and tarts; + Or, clad in motley coat, the footman neat + Is dangling after Miss with shuffling feet, + Bearing in state to church her book of pray'r, + Or the light pocket she disdains to wear;{1} + Or in a parlour snug, 'the powdered lout + The tea and bread and butter hands about. + Where are the women, whose less nervous hands + Might fit these lighter tasks, which pride demands? + Some feel the scorn that poverty attends, + Or pine in meek dépendance on their friends; + Some patient ply the needle day by day, + Poor half-paid seamsters, wasting life away; + Some drudge in menial, dirty, ceaseless toil, + Bear market loads, or grovelling weed the soil; + Some walk abroad, a nuisance where they go, + And snatch from infamy the bread of woe." +</pre> + <p> + "It is a strange sort of infatuation, this fashion," said Bob, "and it is + much to be regretted it should operate so much to the injury of the fair—" + </p> + <p> + "Do you see that young man on the opposite side of the way,"inquired + Dashall,(stopping him short) "in nankin breeches and jockey-boots?" + </p> + <p> + "I do," replied Tallyho; "and pray who is he?" + </p> + <p> + "The son of a wealthy Baronet who, with an eye to the main chance in early + life, engaged in some mercantile speculations, which proving productive + concerns, have elevated him to his present dignity, beyond which it is + said he cannot go on account of his having once kept a shop. This son is + one of what may be termed the <i>Ciphers of society</i>, a sort of useful + article, like an 0 in arithmetic, to denominate numbers; one of those + characters, if character it may be termed, of which this Metropolis and + its vicinity would furnish us with regiments. Indeed, the + </p> + <p> + 1 It is related that a young lady of <i>haut ton</i> in Paris was observed + to have a tall fellow always following her wherever she went. Her + grandmother one day asked her what occasion there was for that man to be + always following her; to which she replied—"I must blow my nose, + must not I, when I want?" This great genius was actually employed to carry + her pocket-handkerchief. <span class="pagenum">[225]</span>general run of + Fashionables are little better than Ciphers,—very necessary at times + in the House of Commons, to suit the purposes and forward the intentions + of the Ministers, by which they obtain <i>titles</i> to which they are not + <i>entitled,</i> and transmit to posterity a race of ennobled boobies. + What company, what society does not abound with Ciphers, and oftentimes in + such plenty that they are even serviceable to make the society + considerable? What could we do to express on paper five hundred without + the two ciphers, or being compelled to write eleven letters to explain + what is equally well done in three figures? These Ciphers are useful at + general meetings upon public questions, though, if they were all collected + together in point of intellectual value, they would amount to nought. They + are equally important as counters at a card-table, they tell for more than + they are worth. Among the City Companies there are many of them to be + found: and the Army is not deficient, though great care is generally taken + to send the most conspicuous Ciphers on foreign service. Public offices + under Government swarm with them; and how many round O's or ciphers may be + found among the gentlemen of the long robe, who, as Hudibras observes, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——never ope + Their mouths, but out there flies a trope." +</pre> + <p> + In the twelve Judges it must be allowed there is no cipher, because they + have two figures to support them; but take these two figures away, and the + whole wit of mankind may be defied to patch up or recruit the number + without having recourse to the race of Ciphers. + </p> + <p> + "I have known a Cipher make a profound Statesman and a Secretary—nay, + an Ambassador; but then it must be confess'd it has been by the timely and + prudent application of proper supporters; and it is certain, that Ciphers + have more than once shewn themselves significant in high posts and + stations, and in more reigns than one. Bounteous nature indulges mankind + in a boundless variety of characters as well as features, and has given + Ciphers to make up numbers, and very often by such additions renders the + few much more significant and conspicuous. The Church has its Ciphers—for + a mitre looks as well on a round 0 as on any letter in the alphabet, <span + class="pagenum">[226]</span>and the expense to the nation is equally the + same; consequently, John Bull has no right to complain. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "See in Pomposo a polite divine, + More gay than grave, not half so sound as fine; + The ladies' parson, proudly skill'd is he, + To 'tend their toilet and pour out their tea; + Foremost to lead the dance, or patient sit + To deal the cards out, or deal out small wit; + Then oh! in public, what a perfect beau, + So powder'd and so trimm'd for pulpit show; + So well equipp'd to tickle ears polite + With pretty little subjects, short and trite. + Well cull'd and garbled from the good old store + Of polish'd sermons often preached before; + With precious scraps from moral Shakespeare brought. + To fill up awkward vacancies of thought, + Or shew how he the orator can play + Whene'er he meets with some good thing to say, + Or prove his taste correct, his memory strong, + Nor let his fifteen minutes seem too long: + His slumbering mind no knotty point pursues, + Save when contending for his tithes or dues." +</pre> + <p> + Thus far, although it must be allowed that ciphers are of use, it is not + every cipher that is truly useful. There are Ciphers of indolence, to + which some mistaken men give the title of men of fine parts—there + are Ciphers of Self-interest, to which others more wrongfully give the + name of Patriots—there are Bacchanalian Ciphers, who will not leave + the bottle to save the nation, but will continue to guzzle till no one + figure in Arithmetic is sufficient to support them—then there are + Ciphers of Venus, who will abandon all state affairs to follow a Cyprian, + even at the risk of injuring a deserving wife—Military Ciphers, who + forsake the pursuit of glory, and distrustful of their own merit or + courage, affirm their distrust by a sedulous attendance at the levees of + men of power. In short, every man, in my humble opinion, is no other than + a Cipher who does not apply his talents to the care of his morals and the + benefit of his country." + </p> + <p> + "You have been ciphering for some time," said Boh, "and I suppose you have + now finished your sum." + </p> + <p> + "I confess," continued Tom, "it has been a puzzling one—for, to make + something out of nothing is impossible." + </p> + <p> + "Not in all cases," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "How so?—why you have proved it by your own shewing, that these + nothings are to be made something of." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[227]</span>"I perceive," replied Tom, "that your + acquaintance with Sparkle is not thrown away upon you; and it argues well, + for if you are so ready a pupil at imbibing his lessons, you will soon + become a proficient in London manners and conversation; but a Cipher is + like a <i>round robin</i>,{1} it has neither beginning nor end: its centre + is vacancy, its circle ambiguity, and it stands for nothing, unless in + certain connections." + </p> + <p> + They were now proceeding gently along Oxford Street, in pursuit of their + way to Soho Square, and met with little worthy of note or remark until + they arrived near the end of Newman Street, where a number of workmen were + digging up the earth for the purpose of making new-drains. The pathway was + railed from the road by scaffolding poles strongly driven into the ground, + and securely tied together to prevent interruption from the passengers.—Tom + was remarking upon the hardihood and utility of the labourers at the + moment when a fountain of water was issuing from a broken pipe, which + arose as high as a two pair of stairs window, a circumstance which quickly + drew a number of spectators around, and, among the rest, Tom and his + Cousin could not resist an inclination to spend a few minutes in viewing + the proceedings. + </p> + <p> + The Irish <i>jontlemen</i>, who made two or three ineffectual attempts to + stop the breach, alternately got soused by the increased violence of the + water, and at every attempt were saluted by the loud laughter of the + surrounding multitude. + </p> + <p> + To feelings naturally warm and irritable, these vociferations of amusement + and delight at their defeat, served but to exasperate and enrage; and the + Irishmen in strong terms expressed their indignation at the merriment + which their abortive attempts appeared to excite: at length, one of the <i>Paddies</i> + having cut a piece of wood, as he conceived, sufficient to stop the + effusion of water, with some degree of adroitness thrust his arm into the + foaming fluid, and for a moment appeared to have arrested its progress. + </p> + <p> + "<i>Blood-an-owns!</i> Murphy," cried he, "scoop away the water, and be + after handing over the mallet this way." In a moment the spades of his + comrades were seen in + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Round Rubin—A Letter or Billet, so composed as to have + the signatures of many persons in a circle, in order that + the reader may not be able to discover which of the party + signed first or last. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[228]</span>action to accomplish his instructions, + while one, who was not in a humour to hear the taunts of the crowd, very + politely scoop'd the water with his hands among the spectators, which + created a general desire to avoid his liberal and plentiful besprinklings, + and at the same time considerable confusion among men, women, and + children, who, in effecting their escape, were seen tumbling and rolling + over each other in all directions. + </p> + <p> + "Be off wid you all, and be d——d to you," said the Hibernian; + while those who were fortunate enough to escape the cooling fluid he was + so indifferently dispensing, laughed heartily at their less favoured + companions. + </p> + <p> + Bob was for moving onward. + </p> + <p> + "Hold," said Dash all, "it is two to one but you will see some fun here." + </p> + <p> + He had scarcely said the word, when a brawny Porter in a fustian jacket, + with his knot slung across his shoulder, manifested dislike to the manner + in which the Irish <i>jontleman</i> was pursuing his amusement. + </p> + <p> + "D——n your Irish eyes," said he, "don't throw your water here, + or I'll lend you my <i>bunch of fives</i>." {l} + </p> + <p> + "Be after being off, there," replied Pat; and, without hesitation, + continued his employment. + </p> + <p> + The Porter was resolute, and upon receiving an additional salute, jumped + over the railings, and re-saluted poor Pat with a <i>muzzier</i>,{2} which + drew his claret in a moment. The Irishman endeavoured to rally, while the + crowd cheered the Porter and hooted the Labourer. This was the signal for + hostilities. The man who had plugg'd up the broken pipe let go his hold, + and the fountain was playing away as briskly as ever—all was + confusion, and the neighbourhood in alarm. The workmen, with spades and + pick-axes, gathered round their comrade, and there was reason to apprehend + serious mischief would occur; one of them hit the Porter with his spade, + and several others were prepared to follow his example; while a second, + who seem'd a little more blood-thirsty than the rest, raised his pickaxe + in a menacing attitude; upon perceiving which, Dashall jump'd over the + rail and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Bunch of fives—A flash term for the fist, frequently made + use of among the lads of the Fancy, who address each other + some-times in a friendly way, with—Ha, Bill, how goes it?— + tip us your bunch of fives, my boy. + + 2 Muzzier—A blow on the mouth. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[229]</span>arrested his arm, or, if the blow had + been struck, murder must have ensued. In the mean time, several other + persons, following Tom's example, had disarmed the remainder. A + fellow-labourer, who had been engaged at a short distance, from the + immediate scene of action, attacked the man who had raised the pickaxe, + between whom a pugilistic encounter took place, the former swearing, 'By + Jasus, they were a set of cowardly rascals, and deserved <i>quilting</i>.'{1} + The water was flowing copiously—shovels, pickaxes, barrows, lanterns + and other implements were strewed around them—the crowd increased—Tom + left the combatants (when he conceived no real danger of unfair advantage + being taken was to be apprehended) to enjoy their rolling in the mud; + while the Porter, who had escaped the vengeance of his opponents, was + explaining to those around him, and expostulating with the first + aggressor, upon the impropriety of his conduct. The shouts of the + multitude at the courageous proceedings of the Porter, and the hootings at + the shameful and cowardly manner of defence pursued by the Labourers, + roused the blood of the Irishmen, and one again seized a spade to attack a + Coal-heaver who espoused the cause of the Porter—a disposition was + again manifested to cut down any one who dared to entertain opinions + opposite to their own—immediately a shower of mud and stones was + directed towards him—the spade was taken away, and the Irishmen + armed themselves in a similar way with the largest stones they could find + suitable for throwing. In this state of things, the houses and the windows + in the neighbourhood were threatened with serious damage. The crowd + retreated hallooing, shouting, hissing, and groaning; and in this part of + the affray Bob got himself well bespattered with mud. Tom again + interfered, and after a few minutes, persuaded the multitude to desist, + and the Irishmen to drop their weapons. The Porter made his escape, and + the men resumed their work; but, upon Dashall's return to the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Quilting—To quilt a person among the knowing Covies, is + to give another a good thrashing; probably, this originated + in the idea of warming—as a quilt is a warm companion, so a + set-to is equally productive of heat; whether the allusion + holds good with respect to comfort, must be left to the + decision of those who try it on, (which is to make any + attempt or essay where success is doubtful.) +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[230]</span>spot where he had left Tallyho, the + latter was not to be found; he was however quickly relieved from suspense. + </p> + <p> + "Sir," said a stout man, "the neighbourhood is greatly indebted to your + exertions in suppressing a riot from which much mischief was to be + apprehended—your friend is close at hand, if you will step this way, + you will find him—he is getting his coat brushed at my house, and + has sustained no injury." + </p> + <p> + "It is a lucky circumstance for him," said Tom: "and I think myself + fortunate upon the same account, for I assure you I was very apprehensive + of some serious mischief resulting from the disturbance."<span + class="pagenum">[231]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Blest be the pencil which from death can save + The semblance of the virtuous, wise and brave, + That youth and emulation still may gaze + On those inspiring forms of ancient days, + And, from the force of bright example bold, + Rival their worth, and be what they behold." + + ".....I admire, + None more admires the painter's magic skill, + Who shews me that which I shall never see, + Conveys a distant country into mine, + And throws Italian light on British walls." +</pre> + <p> + AS they entered the house, a few doors up Newman Street, Tallyho met them, + having divested himself of the mud which had been thrown upon his garments + by the indiscriminating hand of an enraged multitude; and after politely + thanking the gentleman for his friendly accommodation, they were about to + proceed to the place of their original destination; when Dashall, + perceiving an elegantly dressed lady on the opposite side of the way, + felt, instinctively as it were, for the usual appendage of a modern + fashionable, the quizzing-glass; in the performance of this he was + subjected to a double disappointment, for his rencontre with the + Hibernians had shivered the fragile ornament to atoms in his pocket, and + before he could draw forth the useless fragments, the more important + object of his attention was beyond the power of his visual orbs. + </p> + <p> + "It might have been worse," said he, as he survey'd the broken bauble: "it + is a loss which can easily be repaired, and if in losing that, I have + prevented more serious mischief, there is at least some consolation. + Apropos, here is the very place for supplying the defect without loss of + time. Dixon," {1} continued he, looking at + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This gentleman, whose persevering endeavours in his + profession entitle him to the patronage of the public, + without pretending to second sight, or the powers that are + so frequently attributed to the seventh son of a seventh + son, has thrown some new lights upon the world. Although he + does not pretend to make "Helps to Read," his establishment + at No. 93, Newman Street, Oxford Road, of upwards of thirty + years' standing, is deservedly celebrated for glasses suited + to all sights, manufactured upon principles derived from + long study and practical experience. Indeed, if we are to- + place any reliance on his Advertisements, he has brought + them to a state of perfection never before attained, and not + to be surpassed. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[232]</span>the name over the door—"aye, I + remember to have seen his advertisements in the papers, and have no doubt + I may be suited here to a <i>shaving</i>" + </p> + <p> + Upon saying this, they entered the house, and found the improver of + spectacles and eye-glasses surrounded with the articles of his trade, who, + in a moment, recognized Tom as the chief instrument in quelling the + tumult, and added his acknowledgments to what had already been offered for + his successful exertions, assuring him at the same time, that as he + considered sight to be one of the most invaluable blessings "bestowed on + mankind, he had for many years devoted the whole of his time and attention + to the improvement of glasses—put into his hand a short treatise on + the subject, and on the important assistance which may be afforded by a + judicious selection of spectacles to naturally imperfect or overstrained + eyes. Bob, in the mean time, was amusing himself with reading bills, + pamphlets, and newspapers, which lay upon the counter. + </p> + <p> + Dashall listened with attention to his dissertation on sight, spectacles, + focusses, lens, reflection, refraction, &c.; but, as he was not + defective in the particular organs alluded to, felt but little interested + on the subject; selected what he really wanted, or rather what etiquette + required, when, to their great gratification, in came Sparkle. After the + first salutations were over, the latter purchased an opera-glass; then, in + company with Tom and Bob, proceeded to Oxford Street, and upon learning + their destination, determined also to take a peep at the Exhibition. + </p> + <p> + "Come along," said Tom, catching hold of his arm, and directing him + towards Soho Square. But Sparkle recollecting that he had appointed to + meet Miss Mortimer, her Brother, and Merry well, to accompany them to + Somerset House, and finding time had escaped with more <span + class="pagenum">[233]</span>rapidity than he expected, wished them a good + morning, hoped they should meet again in the course of the day, and + departed. + </p> + <p> + "You see," said Tom, "Sparkle is fully engaged in the business of love; + Miss Mortimer claims all his attention for the present." + </p> + <p> + "You appear to be very envious of his enjoyments," replied Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Not so, indeed," continued Tom; "I am only regretting that other pursuits + have estranged him from our company." + </p> + <p> + On entering the Exhibition at Soho, Tom, whose well-known taste for + science and art, and particularly for the productions of the pencil and + graver, had already rendered him conspicuous among those who knew him, + made the following remarks: "I am really glad," said he, "to find that the + eminent engravers of our country have at length adopted a method of + bringing at one view before the public, a delineation of the progress made + by our artists in a branch so essentially connected with the performance + and durability of the Fine Arts. An Exhibition of this kind is well + calculated to dispel the vulgar error, that engraving is a servile art in + the scale of works of the mind, and mostly consigned to the copyist. An + Establishment of this kind has long been wanted, and is deserving of + extensive patronage." + </p> + <p> + Having secured Catalogues, they proceeded immediately to the gratifying + scene.{1} The disposition and arrangement + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The major part of the 405 subjects and sets of subjects, + consisting of about 800 prints, are of moderate size, or + small engravings for descriptive or literary publications, + &e. They are the lesser diamonds in a valuable collection of + jewellery, where there are but few that are not of lucid + excellence, and worthy of glistening in the diadem of + Apollo, or the cestus of Venus. So indeed they have, for + here are many subjects from ancient and modern poetry, and + other literature, and from portraits of beautiful women. + Among the first class, the exquisitely finishing graver of + Mr. Warren gives us many after the designs of Messrs. + Westall, Wilkie, Smirke, Cooke, Uwins, and Corbould; as do + the lucid gravers of Messrs. Englehart and Rhodes, the + nicely executing hands of Messrs. Mitan, Romney, Finden, + Robinson, &c. Among the latter class, are <i>Anna Boleyn</i>, &c. + by Mr. Scriven, who marks so accurately the character of the + objects, and of the Painter he works from, in his well + blended dot and stroke; Mrs. Hope, by Dawe; many lovely + women, by Mr. Reynolds; a Courtship, by Mr. Warren, from + Terburg, in the Marquis of Stafford's Collection; two Mary + Queen of Scots, by Messrs. Warren and Cooper.——From + pictures of the old and modern Masters, are capital + Portraits of celebrated characters of former and present + times; of Mrs. Siddons, of Cicero, M. Angelo, Parmigiano, + Fenelon, Raleigh, A. Durer, Erasmus, Cromwell, Ben Jonson, + Selden, Swift, Gay, Sterne, Garrick, &c. of Byron, + Bonaparte, West, Kenible, young Napoleon, of nearly all the + English Royal Family, and many of the Nobility. + + ——Of all the charmingly engraved Landscapes of foreign + and home Views, and of the Animal pieces, are many from + Messrs. W. B. and G. Cooke's recent publications of The + Coast of England, &c. of Mr. Hakewell's Italy, Mr. Nash's + Paris, Captain Batty's France, &c. Mr. Neale's Vieios, many + of Mr. Scott's and Mr. Milton's fine Animal Prints; + exquisitely engraved Architecture by Mr. Le Keaux, Mr. + Lowry, Mr. G. Cooke, &c. Among the large Prints are the two + last of Mr. Holloway's noble set from Raffaelle's Cartoons; + the Battle of Leipzig, finely executed by Mr. Scott, and + containing Portraits of those monstrous assailers of Italy + and of the common rights of mankind, the Emperors of Austria + and Russia; Jaques from Shakspeare, by Mr. Middiman, + Reynolds' Infant Hercules by Mr. Ward, The Bard, by J. + Bromley, jun. possessing the energy of the original by the + late President Mr. West, and The Poacher detected, by Mr. + Lupton, from Mr. Kidd's beautiful picture. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[234]</span>of the plates, and the company dispersed + in various parts of the rooms, were the first objects of attention, and + the whole appearance was truly pleasing. At one end was to be seen an old + Connoisseur examining a most beautiful engraving from an excellent drawing + by Clennell{1}—-another contemplating the brilliance of Goodall in + his beautiful print of the Fountains of Neptune in the Gardens of + Versailles. Dash all, who generally took care to see all before him, + animate and inanimate, was occasionally + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Luke Clennell—This unfortunate artist, a native of + Morpeth, in Northumberland, and known to the world as an + eminent engraver on wood, as well as a painter of no + ordinary talent, has furnished one of those cases of human + distress and misery which calls for the sympathy and aid of + every friend to forlorn genius. In the midst of a + prosperous career, with fortune "both hands full," smiling + on every side, munificently treated by the British + Institution, employed on an important work by the Earl of + Bridgewater (a picture of the Fête given by the City of + London to the Allied Sovereigns,) and with no prospect but + that delightful one of fame and independence, earned by his + own exertions, the most dreadful affliction of life befel + him, and insanity rooted where taste and judgment so + conspicuously shone. The wretched artist was of necessity + separated from his family; his young wife, the mother of his + three infants, descended to the grave a broken-hearted + victim, leaving the poor orphans destitute. The Print + alluded to in this case, representing the Charge of the Life + Guards at Waterloo in 1816, was published by subscription + for their benefit. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[235]</span>casting glimpses at the pictures and the + sprightly females by which they were surrounded, and drawing his Cousin to + such subjects as appeared to be most deserving of attention; among which, + the fine effect produced by Mr. W. B. Cooke stood high in his estimation, + particularly in his View of Edinburgh from Calton Hill, and Brightling + Observatory in Rose Hill—Le Keux, in his Monument, also partook of + his encomiums—T. Woolroth's Portraits, particularly that of the + Duchess of Kent, claimed attention, and was deservedly admired, as well as + a smaller one of Mr. Shalis by the same artist; indeed, the whole appeared + to be selected, combined and arranged under the direction of a master, and + calculated at once to surprise and delight. After enjoying an hour's + lounge in this agreeable company, + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Dashall, "we will repair to Somerset House, and amuse + ourselves with colours. + </p> + <p> + "Halloo!" said a smart looking young man behind them—"<i>what am you + arter?—where is you going to?</i>" + </p> + <p> + Upon turning round, Dashall discovered it to be the exquisite Mr. + Mincingait, who, having just caught a glimpse of him, and not knowing what + to do with himself, hung as it were upon the company of Tom and his + friend, by way of killing a little time; and was displaying his person and + apparel to the greatest advantage as he pick'd his way along the pavement, + alternately picking his teeth and twirling his watch-chain. Passing the + end of Greek Street, some conversation having taken place upon the dashing + Society in which he had spent the previous evening, Tom indulged himself + in the following description of <i>How to Cut a Dash.</i> + </p> + <p> + "Dashing society," said he, "is almost every where to be found in London: + it is indeed of so much importance among the generality of town residents, + that a sacrifice of every thing that is dear and valuable is frequently + made to appearance." + </p> + <p> + "You are a quiz," said Mincingait; "but I don't mind you, so go your + length." + </p> + <p> + "Very well," continued Tom; "then by way of instruction to my friend, I + will give my ideas upon the subject, and if perchance you should find any + resemblance to yourself in the picture I am about to draw, don't let all + the world know it. If you have an inclination to cut a dash, situation and + circumstances in life have nothing to <span class="pagenum">[236]</span>do + with it; a good bold face and a stock of assurance, are the most essential + requisites. With these, you must in the first place fall upon some method + to trick a tailor (provided you have not certain qualms that will prevent + you) by getting into his debt, for much depends upon exteriors. There is + no crime in this, for you pay him if you are able—and good clothes + are very necessary for a dash; having them cut after the newest fashion, + is also very essential. Sally forth, if on a sunday morning in quest of a + companion with whom you have the night previous (at a tavern or + confectioner's) engaged to meet at the corner. After having passed the + usual compliments of the morning with him, place yourself in a fashionable + attitude, your thumbs thrust in your pantaloon's pockets—the right + foot thrown carelessly across the left, resting on the toe, exhibits your + line turned ancle, or new boot, and is certainly a very modest attitude—your + cravat finically adjusted, and tied sufficiently tight to produce a fine + full-blooming countenance: corsets and bag pantaloons are indispensably + necessary to accoutre you for the stand. When in this trim, dilate upon + the events of the times—know but very little of domestic affairs—expatiate + and criticise upon the imperfections or charms of the passing multitude—tell + a fine story to some acquaintance who knows but little about you, and, by + this means, borrow as much money as will furnish you with a very small + bamboo, or very large cudgel; extremes are very indispensable for a good + dash. + </p> + <p> + "It is extremely unbecoming for a gentleman of fashion to pay any regard + to that old superstitious ceremony of what is commonly called '<i>going to + church'</i>—or, at most, of attending more than half a day in the + week. To attend public worship more than one hour in seven days must be + very fatiguing to a person of genteel habits—besides it would be + countenancing an old established custom. In former times, a serious and + devout attention to divine service was not thought improper; but should a + gentleman of modern manners attend public worship, to discover, according + to the law of the polite, what new face of fashion appears, I need not + mention the absurdity of decent behaviour. + </p> + <p> + 'What go to meeting, say?—why this the vulgar do, Yes, and it is a + custom old as Homer too! Sure, then, we folks of fashion must with this + dispense, Or differ in some way from folks of common sense.' + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[237]</span>"Melodious, indeed, are the voices of + ladies and gentlemen whispering across the pews, politely inquiring after + each other's health—the hour at which they got home from their + Saturday evening's party—what gallants attended them; and what + lasses they saw safe home. How engaging the polite posture of looking on + the person next you, or in sound sleep, instead of sacred music, playing + loud bass through the nose! But to have proceeded methodically in + enumerating the improvements in manners, I ought, first, to have mentioned + some of the important advantages of staying from church until the service + is half finished. Should you attend at the usual hour of commencing + service, you might be supposed guilty of rising in the morning as early as + nine or ten o'clock, and by that means be thought shockingly ungenteel—and + if seated quietly in the pew, you might possibly remain unnoticed; but, by + thundering along the aisle in the midst of prayer or sermon, you are + pretty sure to command the attention of the audience, and obtain the + honour of being thought by some, to have been engaged in some genteel + affair the night before! Besides, it is well known that it is only the + vulgar that attend church in proper time. + </p> + <p> + "When you parade the streets, take off your hat to every gentleman's + carriage that passes; you may do the same to any pretty woman—for if + she is well bred, (you being smartly dressed) she will return the + compliment before she be able to recollect whether your's be a face she + has seen somewhere or not; those who see it, will call you a dashing + fellow. When a beggar stops you, put your hand in your pocket, and tell + him you are very sorry you have no change; this, you know, will be + strictly true, and speaking truth is always a commendable quality;—or, + if it suits you better, bid him go to the churchwarden—this you may + easily do in a dashing way. Never think of following any business or + profession,—such conduct is unworthy of a dasher. In the evening, + never walk straight along the foot-way, but go in a zigzag direction—this + will make some people believe you have been dashing down your bottle of + wine after dinner. No dasher goes home sober. + </p> + <p> + "On making your appearance in the ball-room, put your hat under your arm: + you will find an advantage in this, as it will make a stir in the room to + make way for you and your hat, and apprize them of your entrance. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[238]</span>After one or two turns around the room, + if the sets are all made up, make a stand before one of the mirrors, to + adjust your cravat, hair, &c. Be sure to have your hair brushed all + over the forehead, which will give you a very ferocious appearance. If you + catch a strange damsel's eyes fixed upon you, take it for granted that you + are a fascinating fellow, and cut a prodigious dash. As soon as the first + set have finished.dancing, fix your thumbs as before-mentioned, and make a + dash through the gaping crowd in pursuit of a partner; if you are likely + to be disappointed in obtaining one with whom you are acquainted, select + the smallest child in the room; by that means, you will attract the + attention of the ladies, and secure to you the hand of a charming Miss for + the next dance. When on the floor with one of those dashing belles, + commence a <i>tête-a-tête</i> with her, and pay no attention whatever to + the figure or steps, but walk as deliberately as the music will admit (not + dropping your little chit chat) through the dance, which is considered, + undoubtedly, very graceful, and less like a mechanic or dancing-master. + The dance finished, march into the bar, and call for a glass of blue-ruin, + white-tape, or stark-naked, which is a very fashionable liquor among the + 'ton,' and if called on to pay for it, tell the landlord you have left + your purse in one of your blues at home; and that you will recollect it at + the next ball—this, you know, can be done in a genteel way, and you + will be 'all the go.' Return into the room, and either tread upon some + gentleman's toes, or give him a slight touch with your elbow: which, if he + be inclined to resent, tell him, 'pon lionour,' you did not observe him, + or, if inclined to suffer it with impunity—' Get out of the way, + fellow, d——n you.' + </p> + <p> + On your way home, after escorting your fair inamorata to her peaceful + abode, make a few calls for the purpose of taking a little more stimulus + with some particular friends, and then return home for the night to 'steep + your senses in forgetfulness.'" + </p> + <p> + "A very amusing and useful account, truly," said Bob, as his Cousin closed + his chapter of instructions How to Cut a Dash. + </p> + <p> + "It is, at least, a just and true delineation of living character." + </p> + <p> + "Not without a good portion of caricature," said Mincingait. "You are + downright scurrilous, and ought not to be tolerated in civilized society. + Sink me, if you <span class="pagenum">[239]</span>are not quite a bore, + and not fit company for a Gentleman. so I shall wish you a good morning." + </p> + <p> + Tom and Bob laughed heartily at this declaration of the Dashing Blade, + and, wishing him a pleasant walk and a safe return, they separated. + </p> + <p> + By this time they had arrived at Somerset House: it was near three + o'clock, and the Rooms exhibited a brilliant crowd of rank and fashion, + which considerably enhanced the value of its other decorations. + </p> + <p> + "I have already," said Dashall, "given you a general description of this + building, and shall therefore confine my present observations wholly to + the establishment of the Royal Academy for the encouragement of the Fine + Arts, for the cultivation of which London is now much and deservedly + distinguished; and to the progressive improvement in which we are indebted + to that Exhibition we have already witnessed. This Academy was opened by + Royal Charter in 1768; and it consists of forty members, called Royal + Academicians, twenty Associates, and six Associate Engravers. The first + President was the justly celebrated Sir Joshua Reynolds; the second, the + highly respected Benjamin West; and the present, is Sir Thomas Lawrence. + </p> + <p> + "The Academy possesses a fine collection of casts and models, from antique + statues, &c. a School of colouring, from pictures of the best masters. + Lectures are delivered by the stated Professors in their various branches, + to the Students during the winter season; prize medals are given annually + for the best academy figures and drawings of buildings; and gold medals + for historical composition in painting, sculpture, and designs in + Architecture, once in two years; which latter are presented to the + successful Artists in full assembly, accompanied with a discourse from the + President, calculated to stimulate perseverance and exertion. Students + have at all times, (except during the regular vacations,) an opportunity + of studying nature from well chosen models, and of drawing from the + antique casts. + </p> + <p> + "This Exhibition is generally opened on the first of May. The number of + works of art, consisting of paintings, sculptures, models, proof + engravings and drawings, generally exhibited, are upwards of one thousand; + and are usually visited by all the gaiety and fashion of the Metropolis, + between the hours of two and five o'clock in <span class="pagenum">[240]</span>the + day. The rooms are elegant and spacious; and I consider it at all times a + place where a shilling may be well spent, and an hour or two well enjoyed. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Some spend a life in classing grubs, and try, + New methods to impale a butterfly; + Or, bottled up in spirits, keep with care + A crowd of reptiles—hideously rare; + While others search the mouldering wrecks of time, + And drag their stores from dust and rust and slime; + Coins eat with canker, medals half defac'd, + And broken tablets, never to be trac'd; + Worm-eaten trinkets worn away of old, + And broken pipkins form'd in antique mould; + Huge limbless statues, busts of heads forgot, + And paintings representing none knows what; + Strange legends that to monstrous fables lead, + And manuscripts that nobody can read; + The shapeless forms from savage hands that sprung, + And fragments of rude art, when Art was young. + This precious lumber, labell'd, shelv'd, and cas'd, + And with a title of Museum grac'd, + Shews how a man may time and fortune waste, + And die a mummy'd connoisseur of taste." +</pre> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page240.jpg" alt="Page240 Somerset House " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + On entering the rooms, Bob was bewildered with delight; the elegance of + the company, the number and excellence of the paintings, were attractions + so numerous and splendid, as to leave him no opportunity of decidedly + fixing his attention. He was surrounded by all that could enchant the eye + and enrapture the imagination. Moving groups of interesting females were + parading the rooms with dashing partners at their elbows, pointing out the + most beautiful paintings from the catalogues, giving the names of the + artists, or describing the subjects. Seated on one of the benches was to + be seen the tired Dandy, whose principal inducement to be present at this + display of the Arts, was to exhibit his own pretty person, and attract a + little of the public gaze by his preposterous habiliments and unmeaning + countenance; to fasten upon the first person who came within the sound of + his scarcely articulate voice with observing, "It is d——d hot, + 'pon honour—can't stand it—very fatiguing—I wonder so + many persons are let in at once—there's no such thing as seeing, I + declare, where there is such a crowd: I must come again, that's the end of + it." On another, was the full-dressed Elegante, with her bonnet in one + hand, and her catalogue in the other, apparently intent upon examining the + pictures before <span class="pagenum">[241]</span>her, while, in fact, her + grand aim was to discover whether she herself was observed. The lounging + Blood, who had left his horses at the door, was bustling among the company + with his quizzing-glass in his hand, determined, if possible, to have a + peep at every female he met, caring as much for the Exhibition itself, as + the generality of the visitors cared for him. The Connoisseur was placing + his eye occasionally close to the paintings, or removing to short + distances, right and left, to catch them in the most judicious lights, and + making remarks on his catalogue with a pencil; and Mrs. Roundabout, from + Leadenhall, who had brought her son Dicky to see the show, as she called + it, declared it was the '<i>most finest</i> sight she ever seed, lifting + up her hand and eyes at the same time as Dicky read over the list, and + charmed her by reciting the various scraps of poetry inserted in the + catalogue to elucidate the subjects. It was altogether a source of + inexpressible delight and amusement. Tom, whose taste for the arts + qualified him well for the office of guide upon such an occasion, directed + the eye of his Cousin to the best and most masterly productions in the + collection, and whose attention was more particularly drawn to the + pictures (though occasionally devoted to the inspection of a set of + well-formed features, or a delicately turned ancle,) was much pleased to + find Bob so busy in enquiry and observation. + </p> + <p> + "We have here," said Tom, "a combination of the finest specimens in the + art of painting laid open annually for public inspection. Music, Poetry, + and Painting, have always been held in high estimation by those who make + any pretensions to an improved mind and a refined taste. In this + Exhibition the talents of the Artists in their various lines may be fairly + estimated, and the two former may almost be said to give life to the + latter, in which the three are combined. The Historian, the Poet, and the + Philosopher, have their thoughts embodied by the Painter; and the tale so + glowingly described in language by the one, is brought full before the eye + by the other; while the Portrait-painter hands down, by the vivid touches + of his pencil, the features and character of those who by their talents + have deservedly signalized themselves in society. The face of nature is + displayed in the landscape, and the force of imagination by the judicious + selector of scenes from actual life. Hence painting is the fascinating + region of enchantment. The pencil is a magic wand; it calls up <span + class="pagenum">[242]</span>to view the most extensive and variegated + scenery calculated to wake the slumbering mind to thought. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——To mark the mighty hand + That, ever busy, wheels the silent spheres, + Works in the secret deep; shoots steaming thence + The fair profusion that o'erspreads the Spring; + Flings from the sun direct the naming day; + Feeds every creature; hurls the tempest forth; + And as on earth this grateful change revolves. + With transport touches all the springs of life." +</pre> + <p> + "Upon my life!" cried Bob, "we seem to have no need of Sparkle now, for + you are endeavouring to imitate him." + </p> + <p> + "Your observations maybe just, in part," replied Tom; "but I can assure + you I have no inclination to continue in the same strain. At the same + time, grave subjects, or subjects of the pencil and graver, are deserving + of serious consideration, except where the latter are engaged in + caricature." + </p> + <p> + "And that has its utility," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "To be sure it has," continued Tom—"over the human mind, wit, humour + and ridicule maintain authoritative influence. The ludicrous images which + flit before the fancy, aided by eccentric combinations, awaken the risible + powers, and throw the soul into irresistible tumults of laughter. Who can + refrain from experiencing risible emotions when he beholds a lively + representation of Don Quixote and Sancho Pança—Hudibras and his + Ralpho—merry old Falstaff shaking his fat sides, gabbling with Mrs. + Quickly, and other grotesque figures to be found in the vast variety of + human character? To lash the vices and expose the follies of mankind, is + the professed end of this species of painting. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Satire has always shone among the rest; + And is the boldest way, if not the best, + To tell men freely of their foulest faults." +</pre> + <p> + Objects well worthy of attention—like comedy—may degenerate, + and become subservient to licentiousness and profligacy; yet the shafts of + ridicule judiciously aimed, like a well-directed artillery, do much + execution. With what becoming severity does the bold Caricature lay open + to public censure the intrigues of subtle Politicians, the <span + class="pagenum">[243]</span>chicanery of corrupted Courts, and the + flattery of cringing Parasites! Hence satirical books and prints, under + temperate regulations, check the dissoluteness of the great. Hogarth's + Harlot's and Rake's Progress have contributed to reform the different + classes of society—nay, it has even been doubted by some, whether + the Sermons of a Tillotson ever dissuaded so efficaciously from lust, + cruelty, and intemperance, as the Prints of an Hogarth. Indeed it may with + truth be observed, that the art of Painting is one of those innocent and + delightful means of pleasure which Providence has kindly offered to + brighten the prospects of life: under due restriction, and with proper + direction, it may be rendered something more than an elegant mode of + pleasing the eye and the imagination; it may become a very powerful + auxiliary to virtue." + </p> + <p> + "I like your remarks very well," said Bob; "but there is no such thing as + paying proper attention to them at present; besides, you are moralizing + again." + </p> + <p> + "True," said Tom, "the subjects involuntarily lead me to moral conclusions—there + is a fine picture—Nature blowing Bubbles for her Children, from the + pencil of Hilton; in which is united the simplicity of art with allegory, + the seriousness of moral instruction and satire with the charms of female + and infantine beauty; the graces of form, action, colour and beauty of + parts, with those of collective groups; and the propriety and beauty of——" + </p> + <p> + He was proceeding in this strain, when, turning suddenly as he supposed to + Tallyho, he was not a little surprised and confused to find, instead of + his Cousin, the beautiful and interesting Miss Mortimer, at his elbow, + listening with close attention to his description. + </p> + <p> + "Miss Mortimer," continued he—which following immediately in + connection with his last sentence, created a buz of laughter from Sparkle, + Merrywell, and Mortimer, who were in conversation at a short distance, and + considerably increased his confusion. + </p> + <p> + "Very gallant, indeed," said Miss Mortimer, "and truly edifying. These + studies from nature appear to have peculiar charms for you, but I + apprehend your observations were not meant for my ear." + </p> + <p> + "I was certainly not aware," continued he, "how much I was honoured; but + perceiving the company you are in, I am not much astonished at the trick, + and undoubtedly <span class="pagenum">[244]</span>have a right to feel + proud of the attentions that have been paid to my observations." + </p> + <p> + By this time the party was increased by the arrival of Col. B——, + his daughter Maria, and Lady Lovelace, who, with Sparkle's opera glass in + her hand, was alternately looking at the paintings, and gazing at the + company. Sparkle, in the mean time, was assiduous in his attentions to + Miss Mortimer, whose lively remarks and elegant person excited general + admiration. + </p> + <p> + The first greetings of such an unexpected meeting were followed by an + invitation on the part of the Colonel to Tom and Bob to dine with them at + half past six. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho excused himself upon the score of a previous engagement; and a + wink conveyed to Tom was instantly understood; he politely declined the + honour upon the same ground, evidently perceiving there was more meant + than said; and after a few more turns among the company, and a survey of + the Pictures, during which they lost the company of young Mortimer and his + friend Merry well, (at which the Ladies expressed themselves disappointed) + they, with Sparkle, assisted the females into the Colonel's carriage, + wished them a good morning, and took their way towards Temple Bar. + </p> + <p> + "I am at a loss," said Dashall, "to guess what you meant by a prior + engagement; for my part, I confess I had engaged myself with you, and + never felt a greater inclination for a ramble in my life." + </p> + <p> + "Then," said Bob, "I'll tell you—Merry well and Mortimer had + determined to give the old Colonel and his company the slip; and I have + engaged, provided you have no objection, to dine with them at the Globe in + Fleet Street, at half past four. They are in high glee, ready and ripe for + fun, determined to beat up the eastern quarters of the town." + </p> + <p> + "An excellent intention," continued Tom, "and exactly agreeable to my own + inclinations—we'll meet them, and my life on't we shall have a merry + evening. It is now four—we will take a walk through the temple, and + then to dinner with what appetite we may—so come along. You have + heard of the Temple, situated close to the Bar, which takes its name. It + is principally occupied by Lawyers, and Law-officers, a useful and + important body of men, whose lives are devoted to the study and practice + of the law of the land, to keep peace and harmony among the <span + class="pagenum">[245]</span>individuals of society, though there are, + unfortunately, too many pretenders to legal knowledge, who prey upon the + ignorant and live by litigation{1}—such as persons who have + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 In a recent meeting at the Egyptian Hall, a celebrated + Irish Barrister is reported to have said, that 'blasphemy + was the only trade that prospered.' The assertion, like many + others in the same speech, was certainly a bold one, and one + which the gentleman would have found some difficulty in + establishing. If, however, the learned gentleman had + substituted the word law for blasphemy, he would have been + much nearer the truth. + + Of all the evils with which this country is afflicted, that + of an excessive passion for law is the greatest. The sum + paid annually in taxes is nothing to that which is spent in + litigation. Go into our courts of justice, and you will + often see sixty or seventy lawyers at a time; follow them + home, and you will find that they are residing in the + fashionable parts of the town, and living in the most + expensive manner. Look at the lists of the two houses of + parliament, and you will find lawyers predominate in the + House of Commons; and, in the upper house, more peers who + owe their origin to the law, than have sprung from the army + and navy united. There is scarcely a street of any + respectability without an attorney, not to mention the + numbers that are congregated in the inns of court. In London + alone, we are told, there are nearly three thousand + certificated attornies, and in the country they are numerous + in proportion. + + While on the subject of lawyers, we shall add a few + unconnected anecdotes, which will exhibit the difference + between times past and present. + + In the Rolls of Parliament for the year 1445, there is a + petition from two counties in England, stating that the + number of attornies had lately increased from sixteen to + twenty-four, whereby the peace of those counties had been + greatly interrupted by suits. And it was prayed that it + might be ordained, that there should only be six attornies + for the county of Norfolk, the same number for Suffolk, and + two for the city of Norwich. + + The profits of the law have also increased in proportion. We + now frequently hear of gentlemen at the bar making ten or + fifteen thousand pounds a year by their practice; and a + solicitor in one single suit, (the trial of Warren Hastings) + is said to have gained no less than thirty-five thousand + pounds! How different three centuries ago, when Roper, in + his life of Sir Thomas More, informs us, that though he was + an advocate of the greatest eminence, and in full business, + yet he did not by his profession make above four hundred + pounds per annum. There is, however, a common tradition on + the other hand, that Sir Edward Coke's gains, at the latter + end of this century, equalled those of a modern attorney + general; and, by Lord Bacon's works, it appears that he made + 6000L. per annum whilst in this office. Brownlow's profits, + likewise, one of the prothonotaries during the reign of + Queen Elizabeth, were 6000L. per annum; and he used to close + the profits of the year with a <i>laus deo</i>; and when they + happened to be extraordinary,—<i>maxima laus deo</i>. + + There is no person, we believe, who is acquainted with the + important duties of the Judges, or the laborious nature of + their office, will think that they are too amply + remunerated; and it is not a little remarkable, that when + law and lawyers have increased so prodigiously, the number + of the Judges is still the same. Fortescue, in the + dedication of his work, De Laudibus Legum Anglise, to Prince + Edward, says that the Judges were not accustomed to sit more + than three hours in a day; that is, from eight o'clock in + the morning until eleven; they passed the remainder of the + day in studying the laws, and reading the Holy Scriptures. + + Carte supposes, that the great reason for the lawyers + pushing in shoals to become members of Parliament, arose + from their desire to receive the wages then paid them by + their constituents. By an act of the 5th of Henry IV. + lawyers were excluded from Parliament, not from a contempt + of the common law itself, but the professors of it, who, at + this time, being auditors to men of property, received an + annual stipend, <i>pro connlio impenso et impendendo</i>, and + were treated as retainers. In Madox's Form. Anglican, there + is a form of a retainer during his life, of John de Thorp, + as counsel to the Earl of Westmoreland; and it appears by + the Household Book of Algernon, fifth Earl of + Northumberland, that, in the beginning of the reign of Henry + the Eighth, there was, in that family, a regular + establishment for two counsellors and their servants. + + A proclamation was issued on the 6th of November, in the + twentieth year of the reign of James I. in which the voters + for members of Parliament are directed, "not to choose + curious and wrangling lawyers, who may seek reputation by + stirring needless questions." + + A strong prejudice was at this time excited against lawyers. + In Aleyn's Henry VIII. (London, 1638,) we have the following + philippic against them:— + + "A prating lawyer, (one of those which cloud + That honour'd science,) did their conduct take; + He talk'd all law, and the tumultuous crowd + Thought it had been all gospel that he spake. + At length, these fools their common error saw, + A lawyer on their side, but not the law." + + Pride the drayman used to say, that it would never be well + till the lawyers' gowns, like the Scottish colours, were + hung up in Westminster Hall. + + From Chaucer's character of the Temple Manciple, it would + appear that the great preferment which advocates in this + time chiefly aspired to, was to become steward to some great + man: he says,—" + + "Of masters he had mo than thryis ten, + That were of law expert and curious, + Of which there were a dozen in that house, + Worthy to ben stuards of house and londe, + Of any lord that is in Englonde." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[246]</span>been employed as clerks to Pettifoggers, + who obtain permission to sue in their names; and persons who know no more + of law than what they have learned in Abbot's Park,{1} or on board the + Fleet,{2} who assume the title of Law Agents or Accountants, and are + admirably fitted for Agents in the Insolvent Debtor's Court under the + Insolvent Act, to make out Schedules, &c. Being up to all the arts and + manouvres practised with success for the liberation of themselves, they + are well calculated to become tutors of others, though they generally take + care to be well paid for it." + </p> + <p> + By this time they were entering the Temple. "This," continued Tom, "is an + immense range of buildings, stretching from Fleet-street to the river, + north and south; and from Lombard-street, Whitefriars, to Essex-street in + the Strand, east and west. + </p> + <p> + "It takes its name from its being founded by the Knights Templars in + England. The Templars were crusaders, who, about the year 1118, formed + themselves into a military body at Jerusalem, and guarded the roads for + the safety of pilgrims. In time the order became very powerful. The + Templars in Fleet-street, in the thirteenth century, frequently + entertained the King, the Pope's nuncio, foreign ambassadors, and other + great personages. + </p> + <p> + "It is now divided into two societies of students, called the Inner and + Middle Temple, and having the name of Inns of Court. + </p> + <p> + "These societies consist of Benchers, Barristers, Students, and Members. + The government is vested in the Benchers. In term time they dine in the + hall of the society, which is called keeping commons. To dine a fortnight + in each term, is deemed keeping the term; and twelve of these terms + qualify a student to be called to year of Henry the Sixth, when Sir Walter + Beauchamp, as counsel, supported the claim of precedence of the Earl of + Warwick, against the then Earl Marshal, at the bar of the House of Lords. + Mr. Roger Hunt appeared in the same capacity for the Earl Marshal, and + both advocates, in their exordium, made most humble protestations, + entreating the lord against whom they were retained, not to take amiss + what they should advance on the part of their own client. + </p> + <p> + Another point on which the lawyers of the present age differ from their + ancestors, is in their prolixity. It was reserved for modern invention to + make a trial for high treason last eight days, or to extend a speech to + nine hours duration. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Abbot's Park—The King's Bench. + + 2 On board the Fleet—The Fleet Prison. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[248]</span>"These societies have the following + officers and servants: a treasurer, sub-treasurer, steward, chief butler, + three under-butlers, upper and under cook, a pannierman, a gardener, two + porters, two wash-pots, and watchmen. + </p> + <p> + "The Benchers assume and exercise a power that can scarcely be reconciled + to the reason of the thing. They examine students as to their proficiency + in the knowledge of the law, and call candidates to the bar, or reject + them at pleasure, and without appeal. It is pretty well known that + students in some cases eat their way to the bar; in which there can be no + great harm, because their clients will take the liberty afterwards of + judging how far they have otherwise qualified themselves. But every man + that eats in those societies should be called, or the rejection should be + founded solely on his ignorance of the law, and should be subject to an + appeal to a higher jurisdiction; otherwise the power of the Benchers may + be exercised on private or party motives. + </p> + <p> + "The expence of going through the course of these Societies is not great. + In the Inner Temple, a student pays on admission, for the fees of the + society, 3L. 6s. 8d. which, with other customary charges, amounts to 4L + 2s. A duty is also paid to the King, which is high. Terms may be kept for + about 10s. per week, and, in fact, students may dine at a cheaper rate + here than any where beside. The expences in the principal societies of + like nature are something more. + </p> + <p> + "Their kitchens, and dinner-rooms, merit the inspection of strangers, and + may be seen on applying to the porter, or cooks, without fee or + introduction. Our time is short now, or we would take a peep; you must + therefore content yourself with my description. + </p> + <p> + "The Temple is an irregular building. In Fleet-street are two entrances, + one to the Inner, and the other to the Middle Temple. The latter has a + front in the manner of Inigo Jones, of brick, ornamented with four large + stone pilastres, of the Ionic order, with a pediment. It is too narrow, + and being lofty, wants proportion. The passage to which it leads, although + designed for carriages, is narrow, inconvenient, and mean. + </p> + <p> + "The garden of the Inner Temple is not only a most happy situation, but is + laid out with great taste, and kept <span class="pagenum">[249]</span>in + perfect order. It is chiefly covered with green sward,, which is pleasing + to the eye, especially in a city, and is most agreeable to walk on. It + lies, as you perceive, along the river, is of great extent, and has a + spacious gravel walk, or terrace, on the bank of the Thames. It forms a + crowded promenade in summer, and at such times is an interesting spot. + </p> + <p> + "The Middle Temple has a garden, but much smaller,, and not so + advantageously situated. + </p> + <p> + "The hall of the Middle Temple is a spacious and elegant room in its + style. Many great feasts have been given in it in old times. It is well + worth a visit. + </p> + <p> + "The Inner Temple hall is comparatively small, but is a fine room. It is + ornamented with the portraits of several of the Judges. Before this hall + is a broad paved terrace, forming an excellent promenade, when the gardens + are not sufficiently dry. + </p> + <p> + "There are two good libraries belonging to these societies, open to + students, and to others on application to the librarian, from ten in the + morning till one, and in the afternoon from two till six. + </p> + <p> + "The Temple church belongs in common to the two societies. The Knights + Templars built their church on this site, which was destroyed, and the + present edifice was erected by the Knights Hospitallers. It is in the + Norman style of architecture, and has three aisles, running east and west, + and two cross aisles. At the western end is a spacious round tower, the + inside of which forms an elegant and singular entrance into the church, + from which it is not separated by close walls, but merely by arches. The + whole edifice within has an uncommon and noble aspect. The roof of the + church is supported by slight pillars of Sussex marble, and there are + three windows at each side, adorned with small pillars of the same marble. + The entire floor is of flags of black and white marble; the roof of the + tower is supported with six pillars, having an upper and lower range of + small arches, except on the eastern side, opening into the church: The + length of the church is eighty-three feet; the breadth sixty; and the + height thirty-four; the height of the inside of the tower is forty-eight + feet, and its diameter on the floor fifty-one. + </p> + <p> + "In the porch or tower are the tombs of eleven Knights Templars; eight of + them have the figures of <span class="pagenum">[250]</span>armed knights + on them, three of them being the tombs of so many Earls of Pembroke. The + organ of this church is one of the finest in the world. + </p> + <p> + "The Temple church is open for divine service every day, at eleven o'clock + in the morning, and at four in the afternoon. There are four entrances + into the Temple, besides those in Fleet-street; and it is a thoroughfare + during the day, but the gates are shut at night. The gardens are open to + the public in summer. It is a place of much business and constant traffic, + I assure you." + </p> + <p> + "I perceive it," said Bob, "by the number of persons passing and + repassing, every one apparently animated and impelled by some business of + importance." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, it is something like a steam-boiler, by which a considerable portion + of the engines of the Law are kept in motion. They can alarm and allay + according to the pockets of their customers, or the sagacity which they + are able to discover in their heads. There are perhaps as many Quacks in + this profession as in any other," continued Tom, as they regained + Fleet-street; when, perceiving it was half past four o'clock by St. + Dunstan's—"But we must now make the best of our way, or we may be + cut out of the good things of this <i>Globe</i>." + </p> + <p> + "What are so many persons collected together here for?" enquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Merely to witness a little of ingenious machinery. Keep your eye on the + two figures in the front of the church with clubs in their hands." + </p> + <p> + "I do," said Bob; "but there does not appear to me to be any thing very + remarkable about them." + </p> + <p> + He scarcely uttered the words, when he observed that these figures struck + their clubs upon the bells which hung between them to denote the time of + day. + </p> + <p> + "These figures," said Tom, "and the circumstance of giving them motion + every fifteen minutes by the movements of the clock, have attracted a + great deal of notice, particularly among persons from the country, and at + almost every quarter of an hour throughout the day they are honoured with + spectators. The church itself is very ancient, and has been recently + beautified. The <i>Bell thumpers</i>, whose abilities you have just had a + specimen of, have been standing there ever since the year 1671." + </p> + <p> + "It is hard service," said Bob, "and they must certainly deserve a pension + from Government more than many of <span class="pagenum">[251]</span>the + automatons who are now in the enjoyment of the national bounties." + </p> + <p> + "You are right enough," said a Translator of Soles,{1} who had overheard + Bob's last remark, with a pair of old shoes under his arm; "and d——n + me if I would give a pair of <i>crazy crabshells</i>{2} without <i>vamp or + whelt for the whole boiling of 'em</i>{3}-there is not one on 'em worth a + bloody jemmy."{4} + </p> + <p> + Upon hearing this from the political Cobbler, a disturbed sort of shout + was uttered by the surrounding spectators, who had rather increased than + diminished in number, to hear the observations of the leathern-lung'd + Orator; when Tom, giving his Cousin a significant pinch of the arm, + impelled him forward, and left them to the enjoyment of their humour. + </p> + <p> + "Political observations are always bad in the street," said Tom; "it is a + subject upon which scarcely any two persons agree distinctly-<i>Old Wax + and Bristles</i> is about <i>three sheets in the wind</i>,{5} and no doubt + there are enough to take advantage of any persons stopping at this time of + the day."{6} + </p> + <p> + "What have we here?" said Bob, who observed a concourse of people + surrounding the end of Fetter Lane. + </p> + <p> + "Only a couple more of striking figures," replied Tom, "almost as + intelligent as those we have just seen." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Translator of Soles—A disciple of St. Crispin, alias a + cobbler, who can botch up old shoes, so as to have the + appearance of being almost new, and who is principally + engaged in his laudable occupation by the second-hand shoe- + sellers of Field Lane, Turn Stile, &c. for the purpose of + turning an honest penny, i.e. to deceive poor purchasers. + + 2 Crab-shells—A cant term for shoes. + + 3 Whole boding of 'em—The whole kit of 'em, &c. means the + whole party. + + 4 Bloody Jemmy—A cant term for a sheep's head. + + 5 Three sheets in the wind—A cant phrase intending to + explain that a person is more than half drunk. + + 6 This was a hint well given by Dashall; for, in the present + times, it is scarcely possible to be aware of the numerous + depredations that are committed in the streets of the + Metropolis in open day-light; and it is a well-known fact, + that Fleet Street, being one of the leading thoroughfares, + is at almost all times infested with loose characters of + every description, from the well-dressed Sharpers, who hover + round the entrances to billiard-tables to mark new comers, + and give information to the pals in waiting, somewhere + within call, and who are called Macers-to the wily Duffers + or Buffers, willing to sell extraordinary bargains, and the + <i>Cly-faker</i>, or Pickpocket. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[252]</span>Bob bustled forward, and looking down + the lane, perceived two Watchmen, one on each side the street, bearing + poles with black boards inscribed in white letters, "Beware of bad + houses," and a lantern hanging to each. + </p> + <p> + "These," said Tom, "are not decoy ducks, but scare crows, at least they + are intended for such; whether their appearance does not operate as much + one way as it does the other, is, I believe, a matter of doubt." + </p> + <p> + "Beware of bad houses," said Bob—"I don't exactlY see the object." + </p> + <p> + "No, perhaps not," continued his Cousin; "but I will tell you: this is a + method which the Churchwardens of parishes sometimes take of shaming the + <i>pa-pa</i> or <i>fie fie</i> ladies from their residences, or at least + of discovering their visitors; but I am half inclined to think, that nine + times out of ten the contrary effect is produced; for these men who are + stationed as warnings to avoid, are easily to be blinded by the gay and + gallant youths, who have" an inclination to obtain an admission to the + fair cyprians; besides which, if the first inhabitants are really induced + to quit, the house is quickly occupied by similar game, and the + circumstance of the burning out, as it is termed, serves as a + direction-post to new visitors; so that no real good is eventually + effected-Come, we had better move on—there is nothing more + extraordinary here." + </p> + <p> + "This is Peele's Coffee House," continued he—"a house celebrated for + its general good accommodations. Here, as well as at the Chapter Coffee + House, in Paternoster Row, all the newspapers are kept filed annually, and + may be referred to by application to the Waiters, at the very trifling + expense of a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. The Monthly and Quarterly + Reviews, and the provincial papers, are also kept for the accommodation of + the customers, and constitute an extensive and valuable library; it is the + frequent resort of Authors and Critics, who meet to pore over the news of + the day, or search the records of past times." + </p> + <p> + "An excellent way of passing an hour," said Bob, "and a proof of the + studied attention which is paid not only to the comforts and convenience + of their customers, but also to their instruction." + </p> + <p> + "You are right," replied Tom; "in London every man has an opportunity of + living according to his wishes and <span class="pagenum">[253]</span>the + powers of his pocket; he may dive, like Roderick Random, into a cellar, + and fill his belly for four pence, or regale himself with the more + exquisite delicacies of the London Tavern at a guinea; while the moderate + tradesman can be supplied at a chop-house for a couple of shillings; and + the mechanic by a call at the shop over the way at the corner of Water + Lane,{1} may purchase his half pound of ham or beef, and retire to a + public-house to eat it; where he obtains his pint of porter, and in turn + has an opportunity of reading the <i>Morning Advertiser</i>, the <i>Times</i>, + or the <i>Chronicle</i>. Up this court is a well-known house, the sign of + the Old Cheshire Cheese; it has long been established as a chop-house, and + provides daily for a considerable number of persons; but similar + accommodations are to be found in almost every street in London. Then + again, there are cook-shops of a still humbler description where a dinner + may be procured at a still more moderate price; so that in this great + Metropolis there is accommodation for all ranks and descriptions of + persons, who may be served according to the delicacy of their appetites + and the state of their finances. + </p> + <p> + "A Chop-house is productive of all the pleasures in life; it is a + combination of the most agreeable and satisfactory amusements: indeed, + those who have never had an opportunity of experiencing the true happiness + therein to be found, have a large portion of delight and gratification to + discover: the heart, the mind and the constitution are to be mended upon + crossing its threshold; and description must fall short in its efforts to + pourtray its enlivening and invigorating influence; it is, in a word, a + little world within itself, absolutely a universe in miniature, possessing + a system peculiar to itself, of planets and satellites, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This allusion was made by the Hon. Tom Dashall to the Shop + of Mr. Cantis, who was formerly in the employ of Mr. Epps, + and whose appearance in opposition to him at Temple Bar a + few years back excited a great deal of public attention, and + had the effect of reducing the prices of their ham and beef. + Mr. Epps generally has from fourteen to twenty Shops, and + sometimes more, situated in different parts of the + Metropolis, and there is scarcely a street in London where + there is not some similar place of accommodation; but Mr. + Epps is the most extensive purveyor for the public appetite. + At these shops, families may be supplied with any quantity, + from an ounce to a pound, of hot boiled beef and ham at + moderate prices; while the poor are regaled with a plate of + cuttings at a penny or twopence each. +</pre> + <p> + and fixed stars and revolutions, and its motions are annual, rotatory and + diurnal, in all its extensive diversity of waiters, cooks, saucepans, + fryingpans, gridirons, salamanders, stoves and smoke-jacks; so that if you + wish to know true and uncloying delight, you are now acquainted with where + it is to be found. Not all the sages of the ancient or the modern world + ever dreamed of a theory half so exquisite, or calculated to afford man a + treat so truly delicious. + </p> + <p> + "Within the doors of a Chop-house are to be found food for both body and + soul-mortal and mental appetites-feasting for corporeal cravings and + cravings intellectual-nourishment at once for the faculties both of mind + and body: there, in fact, the brain may be invigorated, and the mind fed + with good things; while the palate is satisfied by devouring a mutton + chop, a veal cutlet, or a beef steak; and huge draughts of wisdom may be + imbibed while drinking a bottle of soda or a pint of humble porter. + </p> + <p> + "In this delightful place of amusement and convenience, there is provender + for philosophers or fools, stoics or epicureans; contemplation for genius + of all denominations; and it embraces every species of science and of art, + (having an especial eye to the important art of Cookery;) it encompasses + all that is worthy of the sublimest faculties and capacities of the soul; + it is the resort of all that is truly good and glorious on earth, the + needy and the noble, the wealthy and the wise. Its high estimation is + universally acknowledged; it has the suffrage of the whole world, so much + so, that at all times and in all seasons its supremacy is admitted and its + influence recognized. The name, the very name alone, is sufficient to + excite all that is pleasant to our senses (five or seven, how many soever + there may be.) A Chop-house! at that word what delightful prospects are + presented to the mind's eye-what a clashing of knives and forks and plates + and pewter pots, and rushing of footsteps and murmurings of expectant + hosts enter into our delighted ears—what gay scenes of varied + beauty, and many natured viands and viscous soups, tarts, puddings and + pies, rise before our visual nerves-what fragrant perfumes, sweet scented + odours, and grateful gales of delicate dainties stream into our olfactory + perceptions, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ". . . Like the sweet south + Upon a bank-a hank of violets, giving + And taking odour." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[255]</span>Its powers are as vast as wonderful and + goodly, and extend over all animal and animated nature, biped and + quadruped, the earth, the air, and all that therein is. By its high + decree, the beast may no longer bask in the noon tide of its nature, the + birds must forsake their pure ether, and the piscatory dwellers in the + vasty deep may spread no more their finny sails towards their caves of + coral. The fruits, the herbs, and the other upgrowings of the habitable + world, and all created things, by one wave of the mighty wand are brought + together into this their common tomb. It is creative also of the lordliest + independence of spirit. It excites the best passions of the heart—it + calls into action every kind and generous feeling of our nature—it + begets fraternal affection and unanimity and cordiality of soul, and + excellent neighbourhood among men-it will correct antipodes, for its + ministerial effects will produce a Radical advantage-its component parts + go down with the world, and are well digested." + </p> + <p> + "Your description," said Bob, "has already had the effect of awakening + appetite, and I feel almost as hungry as if I were just returning from a + fox-chace." + </p> + <p> + "Then," continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, "it is not only admirable as a + whole, its constituent and individual beauties are as provocative of + respect as the mass is of our veneration. From among its innumerable + excellencies—I will mention one which deserves to be held in + recollection and kept in our contemplation-what is more delightful than a + fine beef-steak?-spite of Lexicographers, there is something of harmony + even in its name, it seems to be the key-note of our best constructed + organs, (organs differing from all others, only because they have no + stops,) it circles all that is full, rich and sonorous—I do not mean + in its articulated enunciation, but in its internal acceptation—there—there + we feel all its strength and diapas, or force and quantity." + </p> + <p> + "Admirable arrangements, indeed," said Bob. "True," continued Tom; "and + all of them comparatively comfortable, according to their gradations ana + the rank or circumstances of their customers. The Tavern furnishes wines, + &c.; the Pot-house, porter, ale, and liquors suitable to the high or + low. The sturdy Porter, sweating beneath his load, may here refresh + himself with heavy wet;{l} the Dustman, or the Chimney-sweep, may sluice + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Heavy wet-A well-known appellation for beer, porter, or + ale. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[256]</span>Am ivory{1} with the Elixir of Life, now + fashionably termed Daffy's." + </p> + <p> + "Daffy's," said Tallyho-"that is somewhat new to me, I don't recollect + hearing it before?" + </p> + <p> + "Daffy's Elixir," replied Dashall, "was a celebrated quack medicine, + formerly sold by a celebrated Doctor of that name, and recommended by him + as a cure for all diseases incident to the human frame. This Gin, Old Tom, + and Blue Ruin, are equally recommended in the present day; in consequence + of which, some of the learned gentlemen of the sporting' world have given + it the title of Daffy's, though this excellent beverage is known by many + other names. + </p> + <p> + "For instance, the Lady of refined sentiments and delicate nerves, feels + the necessity of a little cordial refreshment, to brighten the one and + enliven the other, and therefore takes it on the sly, under the polite + appellation of white wine. The knowing Kids and dashing Swells are for a + drap of blue ruin, to keep all things in good twig. The Laundress, who + disdains to be termed a dry washer,—dearly loves a dollop {2} of Old + Tom, because, while she is up to her elbows in suds, and surrounded with + steam, she thinks a drap of the old gemman (having no pretensions to a + young one) would comfort and strengthen her inside, and consequently + swallows the inspiring dram. The travelling Gat-gut Scraper, and the + Hurdy-Grinder, think there is music in the sound of max, and can toss off + their kevartern to any tune in good time. The Painter considers it + desirable to produce effect by mingling his dead white with a little sky + blue. The Donkey driver and the Fish-fag are bang-up for a flash of + lightning, to illumine their ideas. The Cyprian, whose marchings and + counter marchings in search of custom are productive of extreme fatigue, + may, in some degree, be said to owe her existence to Jockey; at least she + considers him a dear boy, and deserving her best attentions, so long as + she has any power. The Link-boys, the Mud-larks, and the Watermen, who + hang round public-house doors to feed horses, &c. club up their brads + for a kevartern of Stark-naked in three outs. The Sempstress and Straw + Bonnet-maker are for a yard of White Tape; and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Sluice the ivory—Is originally derived from sluicery, and + means washing, or passing over the teeth. + + 2 Dollop—Is a large or good quantity of any thing: the whole + dollop means the whole quantity. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[256]</span>the Swell Covies and Out and Outers, + find nothing so refreshing after a night's spree, when the + victualling-office is out of order, as a little Fuller's-earth, or a dose + of Daffy's; so that it may fairly be presumed it is a universal beverage—nay, + so much so, that a certain gentleman of City notoriety, though he has not + yet obtained a seat in St. Stephen's Chapel, with an ingenuity equal to + that of the <i>Bug-destroyer to the King</i>,{1} has latterly decorated + his house, not a hundred miles from Cripplegate, with the words Wine and + Brandy Merchant to her Majesty, in large letters, from which circumstance + his depository of the refreshing and invigorating articles of life has + obtained the appellation of the Queen's Gin Shop." + </p> + <p> + Bob laughed heartily at his Cousin's interpretation of Daffy's. + </p> + <p> + While Tom humm'd, in an under tone, the fag end of a song, by way of + conclusion— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Why, there's old Mother Jones, of St. Thomas's Street, + If a jovial companion she chances to meet, + Away to the gin-shop they fly for some max, + And for it they'd pawn the last smock from their backs; + + For the juniper berry, + It makes their hearts merry, + With a hey down, down deny, + Geneva's the liquor of life." +</pre> + <p> + By this time they were at the Globe; upon entering which, they were + greeted by Mortimer and Merry well, who had arrived before them; and + dinner being served almost immediately, they were as quickly seated at the + table, to partake of an excellent repast. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It is a well-known fact, that a person of the name of + Tiffin announced himself to the world under this very + seductive title, which, doubtless, had the effect of + bringing him considerable custom from the loyal subjects of + his great patron. +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link22HCH0001" id="link22HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Here fashion and folly still go hand in hand, + With the Blades of the East, and the Bucks of the Strand; + The Bloods of the Park, and paraders so gay, + Who are lounging in Bond Street the most of the day— + Who are foremost in all that is formed for delight, + At greeking, or wenching, or drinking all night; + For London is circled with unceasing joys: + Then, East, West, North and South, let us hunt them, my boys." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[258]</span> THE entrance to the house had attracted + Tallyho's admiration as they proceeded; but the taste and elegance of the + Coffee-room, fitted up with brilliant chandeliers, and presenting amidst a + blaze of splendour every comfort and accommodation for its visitors, + struck him with surprise; in which however he was not suffered to remain + long, for Merrywell and Mortimer had laid their plans with some degree of + depth and determination to carry into execution the proposed ramble of the + evening, and had ordered a private room for the party; besides which, they + had invited a friend to join them, who was introduced to Tom and Bob, + under the title of Frank Harry. Frank Harry was a humorous sort of fellow, + who could tell a tough story, sing a merry song, and was up to snuff, + though he frequently got snuffy, singing, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The bottle's the Sun of our table, + + His beams are rosy wine: + We, planets never are able + + Without his beams to shine. + Let mirth and glee abound, + + You'll soon grow bright + + With borrow'd light, + And shine as he goes round." +</pre> + <p> + He was also a bit of a dabbler at Poetry, a writer of Songs, Epigrams, + Epitaphs, &c.; and having been a long resident in the East, was + thought to be a very useful guide on such an excursion, and proved himself + a very <span class="pagenum">[259]</span> pleasant sort of companion: he + had a dawning pleasantry in his countenance, eradiated by an eye of + vivacity, which seemed to indicate there was nothing which gave him so + much gratification as a mirth-moving jest. + </p> + <p> + "What spirits were his, what wit and what whim, Now cracking a joke, and + now breaking a limb." + </p> + <p> + Give him but food for laughter, and he would almost consider himself + furnished with food and raiment. There was however a pedantic manner with + him at times; an affectation of the clerical in his dress, which, upon the + whole, did not appear to be of the newest fashion, or improved by wearing; + yet he would not barter one wakeful jest for a hundred sleepy sermons, or + one laugh for a thousand sighs. If he ever sigh'd at all, it was because + he had been serious where he might have laugh'd; if he had ever wept, it + was because mankind had not laugh'd more and mourn'd less. He appeared + almost to be made up of contrarieties, turning at times the most serious + subjects into ridicule, and moralizing upon the most ludicrous occurrences + of life, never failing to conclude his observations with some quaint or + witty sentiment to excite risibility; seeming at the same time to say, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "How I love to laugh; + Never was a weeper; + Care's a silly calf, + Joy's my casket keeper." +</pre> + <p> + During dinner time he kept the table in a roar of laughter, by declaring + it was his opinion there was a kind of puppyism in pigs that they should + wear tails—calling a great coat, a spencer folio edition with + tail-pieces—Hercules, a man-midwife in a small way of business, + because he had but twelve labours—assured them he had seen a woman + that morning who had swallowed an almanac, which he explained by adding, + that her features were so carbuncled, that the red lettered days were + visible on her face—that Horace ran away from the battle of + Philippi, merely to prove that he was no lame poet—he described + Critics as the door-porters to the Temple of Fame, whose business was to + see that no persons slipped in with holes in their stockings, or paste + buckles for diamond ones, but was much in doubt whether they always + performed their duty honestly—he called the Sun the <i>Yellow-hair'd + Laddie</i> <span class="pagenum">[260]</span> —and the Prince of + Darkness, the <i>Black Prince</i>—ask'd what was the difference + between a sigh-heaver and a coal-heaver; but obtaining no answer, I will + tell you, said he—The coal-heaver has a load at his back, which he + can carry—but a sigh-heaver has one at his heart, which he can not + carry. He had a whimsical knack of quoting old proverbs, and instead of + saying, the Cobbler should stick to his last, he conceived it ought to be, + the Cobbler should stick to his wax, because he thought that the more + practicable—What is bred in the bone, said he, will not come out + with the skewer; and justified his alteration by asserting it must be + plain enough to the fat-headed comprehensions of those epicurean persons + who have the magpie-propensity of prying into marrow-bones. + </p> + <p> + Dashall having remarked, in the course of conversation, that <i>necessity + has no law</i>. + </p> + <p> + He declared he was sorry for it—it was surely a pity, considering + the number of learned Clerks she might give employ to if she had—her + Chancellor (continued he) would have no sinecure of it, I judge: hearing + the petitions of her poor, broken-fortuned and bankrupt, subjects would + take up all his terms, though every term were a year, and every year a + term. Thus he united humour with seriousness, and seriousness with humour, + to the infinite amusement of those around him. + </p> + <p> + Merrywell, who was well acquainted with, and knew his humour, took every + opportunity of what is called drawing him out, and encouraging his + propensity to punning, a species of wit at which he was particularly + happy, for puns fell as thick from him as leaves from autumn bowers; and + he further entertained them with an account of the intention he had some + short time back of petitioning for the office of pun-purveyor to his late + Majesty; but that before he could write the last line—"And your + petitioner will ever pun" it was bestowed upon a Yeoman of the Guard. + Still, however, said he, I have an idea of opening business as a + pun-wright in general to his Majesty's subjects, for the sale and + diffusion of all that is valuable in that small ware of wit, and intend to + advertise—Puns upon all subjects, wholesale, retail, and for + exportation. N B. 1. An allowance will be made to Captains and Gentlemen + going to the East and West Indies—Hooks, Peakes, Pococks,{1} + supplied on + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Well-known dramatic authors. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[261]</span> moderate terms—worn out + sentiments and <i>clap-traps</i> will be taken in exchange. N B. 2. May be + had in a large quantity, in a great deal box, price five acts of sterling + comedy per packet, or in small quantities, in court-plaster sized boxes, + price one melodrama and an interlude per box. N B. 3. The genuine puns are + sealed with a true Munden grin—all others are counterfeits—Long + live Apollo, &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + The cloth being removed, the wine was introduced, and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "As wine whets the wit, improves its native force, + And gives a pleasant flavour to discourse," +</pre> + <p> + Frank Harry became more lively at each glass—"Egad!" said he, "my + intention of petitioning to be the king's punster, puts me in mind of a + story." + </p> + <p> + "Can't you sing it?" enquired Merrywell. + </p> + <p> + "The pipes want clearing out first," was the reply, "and that is a sign I + can't sing at present; but signal as it may appear, and I see some + telegraphic motions are exchanging, my intention is to shew to you all the + doubtful interpretation of signs in general." + </p> + <p> + "Let's have it then," said Tom; "but, Mr. Chairman, I remember an old Song + which concludes with this sentiment— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Tis hell upon earth to be wanting of wine." +</pre> + <p> + "The bottle is out, we must replenish." + </p> + <p> + The hint was no sooner given, than the defect was remedied; and after + another glass, + </p> + <p> + "King James VI. on his arrival in London, (said he) was waited on by a + Spanish Ambassador, a man of some erudition, but who had strangely + incorporated with his learning, a whimsical notion, that every country + ought to have a school, in which a certain order of men should be taught + to interpret signs; and that the most expert in this department ought to + be dignified with the title of Professor of Signs. If this plan were + adopted, he contended, that most of the difficulties arising from the + ambiguity of language, and the imperfect acquaintance which people of one + nation had with the tongue of another, would be done away. Signs, he + argued, arose from the dictates of nature; and, as they were the same in + every country, there could be no danger of their being misunderstood. Full + of this project, the Ambassador was <span class="pagenum">[262]</span> + lamenting one day before the King, that the nations of Europe were wholly + destitute of this grand desideratum; and he strongly recommended the + establishment of a college founded upon the simple principles he had + suggested. The king, either to humour this Quixotic foible, or to gratify + his own ambition at the expense of truth, observed, in reply, 'Why, Sir, I + have a Professor of Signs in one of the northernmost colleges in my + dominions; but the distance is, perhaps, six hundred miles, so that it + will be impracticable for you to have an interview with him.' Pleased with + this unexpected information, the Ambassador exclaimed—'If it had + been six hundred leagues, I would go to see him; and I am determined to + set out in the course of three or four days.' The King, who now perceived + that he had committed himself, endeavoured to divert him from his purpose; + but, finding this impossible, he immediately caused letters to be written + to the college, stating the case as it really stood, and desired the + Professors to get rid of the Ambassador in the best manner they were able, + without exposing their Sovereign. Disconcerted at this strange and + unexpected message, the Professors scarcely knew how to proceed. They, + however, at length, thought to put off their august visitant, by saying, + that the Professor of Signs was not at home, and that his return would be + very uncertain. Having thus fabricated the story, they made preparations + to receive the illustrious stranger, who, keeping his word, in due time + reached their abode. On his arrival, being introduced with becoming + solemnity, he began to enquire, who among them had the honour of being + Professor of Signs? He was told in reply, that neither of them had that + exalted honour; but the learned gentleman, after whom he enquired, was + gone into the Highlands, that they conceived his stay would be + considerable; but that no one among them could even conjecture the period + of his return. 'I will wait his coming,' replied the Ambassador, 'if it be + twelve months.' + </p> + <p> + "Finding him thus determined, and fearing, from the journey he had already + undertaken that he might be as good as his word, the learned Professors + had recourse to another stratagem. To this they found themselves driven, + by the apprehension that they must entertain him as long as he chose to + tarry; and in case he should unfortunately weary out their patience, the + whole affair must terminate <span class="pagenum">[263]</span> in a + discovery of the fraud. They knew a Butcher, who had been in the habit of + serving the colleges occasionally with meat. This man, they thought, with + a little instruction might serve their purpose; he was, however, blind + with one eye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very + well knew how to conduct any farce to which his abilities were competent. + </p> + <p> + "On sending for Geordy, (for that was the butcher's name) they + communicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was to + act, he readily undertook to become Professor of Signs, especially as he + was not to speak one word in the Ambassador's presence, on any pretence + whatever. Having made these arrangements, it was formally announced to the + Ambassador, that the Professor would be in town in the course of a few + days, when he might expect a silent interview. Pleased with this + information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put his abilities + at once to the test, by introducing into his dumb language some subject + that should be at once difficult, interesting, and important. When the day + of interview arrived, Geordy was cleaned up, decorated with a large bushy + wig, and covered over with a singular gown, in every respect becoming his + station. He was then seated in a chair of state, in one of their large + rooms, while the Ambassador and the trembling Professors waited in an + adjoining apartment. + </p> + <p> + "It was at length announced, that the learned Professor of Signs was ready + to receive his Excellency, who, on entering the room, was struck with + astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. As none of the + Professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, under a + pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presence might + have some effect upon the risible muscles of Geordy's countenance) they + waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of this strange adventure, + upon which depended their own credit, that of the King, and, in some + degree, the honour of the nation. + </p> + <p> + "As this was an interview of signs, the Ambassador began with Geordy, by + holding up one of his fingers; Geordy replied, by holding up two. The + Ambassador then held up three; Geordy answered, by clenching his fist, and + looking sternly. The Ambassador then took an orange from his pocket, and + held it up; Geordy returned the compliment, by taking from his pocket a + <span class="pagenum">[264]</span> piece of a barley cake, which he + exhibited in a similar manner. The ambassador, satisfied with the vast + attainments of the learned Professor, then bowed before him with profound + reverence, and retired. On rejoining the agitated Professors, they + fearfully began to enquire what his Excellency thought of their learned + brother? 'He is a perfect miracle,' replied the Ambassador, 'his worth is + not to be purchased by the wealth of half the Indies.' 'May we presume to + descend to particulars?' returned the Professors, who now began to think + themselves somewhat out of danger. 'Gentlemen,' said the Ambassador, 'when + I first entered into his presence, I held up one finger, to denote that + there is one God. He then held up two, signifying that the Father should + not be divided from the Son. I then held up three, intimating, that I + believed in Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. He then clenched his fist, and, + looking sternly at me, signified, that these three are one; and that he + would defy me, either to separate them, or to make additions. I then took + out an orange from my pocket, and held it up, to show the goodness of God, + and to signify that he gives to his creatures not only the necessaries, + but even the luxuries of life. Then, to my utter astonishment, this + wonderful man took from his pocket a piece of bread, thus assuring me, + that this was the staff of life, and was to be preferred to all the + luxuries in the world. Being thus satisfied with his proficiency and great + attainments in this science, I silently withdrew, to reflect upon what I + had witnessed.' "Diverted with the success of their stratagem, the + Professors continued to entertain their visitor, until he thought prudent + to withdraw. No sooner had he retired, than the opportunity was seized to + learn from Geordy, in what manner he had proceeded to give the Ambassador + such wonderful satisfaction; they being at a loss to conceive how he could + have caught his ideas with so much promptitude, and have replied to them + with proportionable readiness. But, that one story might not borrow any + features from the other, they concealed from Geordy all they had learned + from the Ambassador; and desiring him to begin with his relation, he + proceeded in the following manner:—'When the rascal came into the + room, after gazing at me a little, what do you think, gentlemen, that he + did? He held up one finger, as much as to say, you have only one eye. I + then held up two, to <span class="pagenum">[265]</span> let him know that + my one eye was as good as both of his. He then held up three, as much as + to say, we have only three eyes between us. This was so provoking, that I + bent my fist at the scoundrel, and had it not been for your sakes, I + should certainly have risen from the chair, pulled off my wig and gown, + and taught him how to insult a man, because he had the misfortune to lose + one eye. The impudence of the fellow, however, did not stop here; for he + then pulled out an orange from his pocket, and held it up, as much as to + say, Your poor beggarly country cannot produce this. I then pulled out a + piece of good cake, and held it up, giving him to understand, that I did + not care a farthing for his trash. Neither do I; and I only regret, that I + did not thrash the scoundrel's hide, that he might remember how he + insulted me, and abused my country.' We may learn from hence, that if + there are not two ways of telling a story, there are at least two ways of + understanding Signs, and also of interpreting them." + </p> + <p> + This story, which was told with considerable effect by their merry + companion, alternately called forth loud bursts of laughter, induced + profound silence, and particularly interested and delighted young Mortimer + and Tallyho; while Merrywell kept the glass in circulation, insisting on + <i>no day-light</i>{1} nor <i>heel-taps</i>,{2} and the lads began to feel + themselves all in high feather. Time was passing in fearless enjoyment, + and Frank Harry being called on by Merrywell for a song, declared he had + no objection to tip 'em a rum chant, provided it was agreed that it should + go round. + </p> + <p> + This proposal was instantly acceded to, a promise made that he should not + be at a loss for a good <i>coal-box</i>;{3} and after a little more rosin, + without which, he said, he could not pitch the key-note, he sung the + following<span class="pagenum">[266]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + SONG. + + Oh, London! dear London! magnanimous City, + Say where is thy likeness again to be found? + + Here pleasures abundant, delightful and pretty, + All whisk us and frisk us in magical round; + + 1 No day-light—That is to leave no space in the glass; or, + in other words, to take a bumper. + + 2 Heel-taps—To leave no wine at the bottom. + + 3 Coal-box—A very common corruption of chorus. + + Here we have all that in life can merry be, + Looking and laughing with friends Hob and Nob, + + More frolic and fun than there's bloom on the cherry-tree, + While we can muster a <i>Sovereign Bob</i>. +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—Yes, yes, London is the large world in a small compass: it + contains all the comforts and pleasures of human life—"Aye aye, + (says a Bumpkin to his more accomplished Kinsman) Ye mun brag o' yer + Lunnun fare; if smoak, smother, mud, and makeshift be the comforts and + pleasures, gie me free air, health and a cottage."—Ha, ha, ha, Hark + at the just-catch'd Johnny Rata, (says a bang-up Lad in a lily-shallow and + upper toggery) where the devil did you come from? who let you loose upon + society? d———e, you ought to be coop'd up at Exeter + 'Change among the wild beasts, the Kangaroos and Catabaws, and shewn as + the eighth wonder of the world! Shew 'em in! Shew 'em in! stir him up with + a long pole; the like never seen before; here's the head of an owl with + the tail of an ass—all alive, alive O! D———me how + the fellow stares; what a marvellous piece of a mop-stick without thrums.—"By + gum (says the Bumpkin) you looks more like an ape, and Ise a great mind to + gie thee a douse o' the chops."—You'd soon find yourself chop-fallen + there, my nabs, (replies his antagonist)—you are not up to the + gammon—you must go to College and learn to sing + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh, London! dear London! &c. + + Here the streets are so gay, and the features so smiling, + + With uproar and noise, bustle, bother, and gig; + The lasses (dear creatures! ) each sorrow beguiling, + + The Duke and the Dustman, the Peer and the Prig; + Here is his Lordship from gay Piccadilly, + + There an ould Clothesman from Rosemary Lane; + Here is a Dandy in search of a filly, + + And there is a Blood, ripe for milling a pane. +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—All higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw—Lawyers, + Lapidaries, Lamplighters, and Lap-dogs—Men-milliners, Money-lenders, + and Fancy Millers, Mouse-trap Mongers, and Matchmen, in one eternal round + of variety! Paradise is a pail of cold water in comparison with its + unparalleled pleasures—and the wishing cap of Fortunatus could not + produce a greater abundance of delight—Cat's Meat—Dog's Meat—Here + they are all four a penny, hot hot hot, smoking hot, piping hot hot + Chelsea Buns—Clothes sale, clothes—Sweep, sweep—while a + poor bare-footed Ballad Singer with a hoarse discordant voice at intervals + chimes in with + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "They led me like a pilgrim thro' the labyrinth of care, + You may know me by my sign and the robe that I wear;" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[267]</span> so that the concatenation of sounds + mingling all at once into one undistinguished concert of harmony, induces + me to add mine to the number, by singing— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh, London! dear London! &c. + + The Butcher, whose tray meets the dough of the Baker, + + And bundles his bread-basket out of his hand; + The Exquisite Lad, and the dingy Flue Faker,{1} + + And coaches to go that are all on the stand: + Here you may see the lean sons of Parnassus, + + The puffing Perfumer, so spruce and so neat; + While Ladies, who flock to the fam'd Bonassus, + + Are boning our hearts as we walk thro' the street. +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—"In gude truth," says a brawney Scotchman, "I'se ne'er + see'd sic bonny work in a' my liefe—there's nae walking up the + streets without being knock'd doon, and nae walking doon the streets + without being tripp'd up."—"Blood-an-oons, (says an Irishman) don't + be after blowing away your breath in blarney, my dear, when you'll want it + presently to cool your barley broth."—"By a leaf," cries a Porter + with a chest of drawers on his knot, and, passing between them, capsizes + both at once, then makes the best of his way on a jog-trot, humming to + himself, Ally Croaker, or Hey diddle Ho diddle de; and leaving the fallen + heroes to console themselves with broken heads, while some officious + friends are carefully placing them on their legs, and genteelly easing + their pockets of the possibles; after which they toddle off at leisure, to + sing + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh, London! dear London! &c. + + Then for buildings so various, ah, who would conceive it, + + Unless up to London they'd certainly been? + 'Tis a truth, I aver, tho' you'd scarcely believe it, + + That at the Court end not a Court's to be seen; + Then for grandeur or style, pray where is the nation + + For fashion or folly can equal our own? + Or fit out a fête like the grand Coronation? + + I defy the whole world, there is certainly none. +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—Talk of sights and sounds—is not there the Parliament + House, the King's Palace, and the Regent's Bomb—The Horse-guards, + the Body-guards, and the Black-guards—The Black-legs, and the + Bluestockings—The Horn-blower, and the Flying Pie-man—The + Indian Juggler—Punch and Judy—(imitating the well-known + Show-man)—The young and the old, the grave and the gay—The + modest Maid and the willing Cyprian—The Theatres—The Fives + Court and the Court of Chancery—<span class="pagenum">[268]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Flue Faker—A cant term for Chimney-sweep. + + The Giants in Guildhall, to be seen by great and small, and, + what's more than all, the Coronation Ball— + + Mirth, fun, frolic, and frivolity, + To please the folks of quality: + + For all that can please the eye, the ear, the taste, the touch, + the smell, + + Whether bang-up in life, unfriended or undone, + + No place has such charms as the gay town of London. + + Oh, Loudon! dear London! &c. +</pre> + <p> + The quaint peculiarities of the Singer gave indescribable interest to this + song, as he altered his voice to give effect to the various cries of the + inhabitants, and it was knock'd down with three times three rounds of + applause; when Merrywell, being named for the next, sung, accompanied with + Dashall and Frank Harry, the following + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GLEE. + + "Wine, bring me wine—come fill the sparkling glass, + Brisk let the bottle circulate; + Name, quickly name each one his fav'rite lass, + Drive from your brows the clouds of fate: + Fill the sparkling bumper high, + Let us drain the bottom dry. + + Come, thou grape-encircled Boy! + From thy blissful seats above, + Crown the present hours with joy, + Bring me wine and bring me love: + Fill the sparkling bumper high, + Let us drain the bottom dry. + + Bacchus, o'er my yielding lip + Spread the produce of thy vine; + Love, thy arrows gently dip, + Temp'ring them with generous wine: + Fill the sparkling bumper high, + Let us drain the bottom dry." +</pre> + <p> + In the mean time, the enemy of life was making rapid strides upon them + unheeded, till Dashall reminded Merrywell of their intended visit to the + East; and that as he expected a large portion of amusement in that + quarter, he proposed a move. + </p> + <p> + They were by this time all well primed—ripe for a rumpus—bang-up + for a lark or spree, any where, any how, or with any body; they therefore + took leave of their present scene of gaiety.<span class="pagenum">[269]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0002" id="link22HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Wand'ring with listless gait and spirits gay, + They Eastward next pursued their jocund way; + With story, joke, smart repartee and pun, + Their business pleasure, and their object fun." +</pre> + <p> + IT was a fine moonlight evening, and upon leaving the Globe, they again + found themselves in the hurry, bustle, and noise of the world. The glare + of the gas-lights, and the rattling of coaches, carts and vehicles of + various-descriptions, mingled with + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The busy hum of men," +</pre> + <p> + attracted the attention of their eyes and ears, while the exhilarating + juice of the bottle had given a circulation to the blood which enlivened + imagination and invigorated fancy. Bob conceived himself in Elysium, and + Frank Harry was as frisky as a kitten. The first object that arrested + their progress was the house of Mr. Hone, whose political Parodies, and + whose trials on their account, have given him so much celebrity. His + window at the moment exhibited his recent satirical publication entitled a + Slap at Slop and the Bridge Street Gang.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The great wit and humour displayed in this publication + have deservedly entitled it to rank high among the jeu + desprit productions of this lively age—to describe it were + impossible—to enjoy it must be to possess it; but for the + information of such of our readers as are remote from the + Metropolis, it may perhaps be necessary to give something + like a key of explanation to its title. A certain learned + Gentleman, formerly the Editor of the Times, said now to be + the Conductor of the New Times, who has by his writings + rendered himself obnoxious to a numerous class of readers, + has been long known by the title of Dr. Slop; in his + publication, denominated the mock Times, and the Slop Pail, + he has been strenuous in his endeavours to support and + uphold a Society said to mis-call themselves The + Constitutional Society, but now denominated The Bridge + Street Gang; and the publication alluded to, contains + humorous and satirical parodies, and sketches of the usual + contents of his Slop Pail; with a Life of the learned + Doctor, and an account of the origin of the Gang. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[270]</span> "Here," said Tom, "we are introduced at + once into a fine field of observation. The inhabitant of this house + defended himself in three different trials for the publication of alleged + impious, profane, and scandalous libels on the Catechism, the Litany, and + the Creed of St. Athanasius, with a boldness, intrepidity, and + perseverance, almost unparalleled, as they followed in immediate + succession, without even an allowance of time for bodily rest or mental + refreshment." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," continued Frank Harry, "and gained a verdict on each occasion, + notwithstanding the combined efforts of men in power, and those whose + constant practice in our Courts of Law, with learning and information at + their fingers ends, rendered his enemies fearful antagonists." + </p> + <p> + "It was a noble struggle," said Tallyho; "I remember we had accounts of it + in the country, and we did not fail to express our opinions by + subscriptions to remunerate the dauntless defender of the rights and + privileges of the British subject." + </p> + <p> + "<i>Tip us your flipper</i>"{1} said Harry—-"then I see you are a + true bit of the bull breed—one of us, as I may say. Well, now you + see the spot of earth he inhabits—zounds, man, in his shop you will + find amusement for a month—see here is The House that Jack Built—there + is the Queen's Matrimonial Ladder, do you mark?—What think you of + these qualifications for a Gentleman? + </p> + <p> + "In love, and in liquor, and o'ertoppled with debt, With women, with wine, + and with duns on the fret." + </p> + <p> + There you have the Nondescript— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "A something, a nothing—what none understand, + Be-mitred, be-crowned, but without heart or hand; + There's Jack in the Green too, and Noodles, alas! + "Who doodle John Bull of gold, silver, and brass. +</pre> + <p> + "Come," said Dashall, "you must cut your story short; I know if you begin + to preach, we shall have a sermon as long as from here to South America, + so allons;" and with this impelling his Cousin forward, they + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Tip us your Flipper—your mawley—your daddle, or your + thieving hook; are terms made use of as occasions may suit + the company in which they are introduced, to signify a desire + to shake hands. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[271]</span> approached towards Saint Paul's, + chiefly occupied in conversation on the great merit displayed in the + excellent designs of Mr. Cruikshank, which embellish the work they had + just been viewing; nor did they discover any thing further worthy of + notice, till Bob's ears were suddenly attracted by a noise somewhat like + that of a rattle, and turning sharply round to discover from whence it + came, was amused with the sight of several small busts of great men, + apparently dancing to the music of a weaver's shuttle.{1} + </p> + <p> + "What the devil do you call this?" said he—"is it an exhibition of + wax-work, or a model academy?" + </p> + <p> + "Neither," replied Dashall; "this is no other than the shop of a + well-known dealer in stockings and nightcaps, who takes this ingenious + mode of making himself popular, and informing the passengers that + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Here you may be served with all patterns and sizes, + From the foot to the head, at moderate prices;" +</pre> + <p> + with woolens for winter, and cottons for summer—Let us move on, for + there generally is a crowd at the door, and there is little doubt but he + profits by those who are induced to gaze, as most people do in London, if + they can but entrap attention. Romanis is one of those gentlemen who has + contrived to make some noise in the world by puffing advertisements, and + the circulation of poetical handbills. He formerly kept a very small shop + for the sale of hosiery nearly opposite the East-India House, where he + supplied the Sailors after receiving their pay for a long voyage, as well + as their Doxies, with the articles in which he deals, by obtaining + permission to style himself "Hosier to the Rt. Hon. East India Company." + Since which, finding his trade increase and his purse extended, he has + extended his patriotic views of clothing the whole population of London by + opening shops in various parts, and has at almost all times two or three + depositories for + </p> + <p> + 1 Romanis, the eccentric Hosier, generally places a loom near the door of + his shops decorated with small busts; some of which being attached to the + upper movements of the machinery, and grotesquely attired in patchwork and + feathers, bend backwards and forwards with the motion of the works, + apparently to salute the spectators, and present to the idea persons + dancing; while every passing of the shuttle produces a noise which may be + assimilated to that of the Rattlesnake, accompanied with sounds something + like those of a dancing-master beating time to his scholars. <span + class="pagenum">[272]</span> his stock. At this moment, besides what we + have just seen, there is one in Gracechurch Street, and another in + Shoreditch, where the passengers are constantly assailed by a little boy, + who stands at the door with some bills in his hand, vociferating—Cheap, + cheap." + </p> + <p> + "Then," said Bob, "wherever he resides I suppose may really be called + Cheapside?" + </p> + <p> + "With quite as much propriety," continued Ton, "as the place we are now + in; for, as the Irishman says in his song, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "At a place called Cheapside they sell every thing dear." +</pre> + <p> + During this conversation, Mortimer, Merrywell, and Harry were amusing + themselves by occasionally addressing the numerous Ladies who were + passing, and taking a peep at the shops—giggling with girls, or + admiring the taste and elegance displayed in the sale of fashionable and + useful articles—justled and impeded every now and then by the + throng. Approaching Bow Church, they made a dead stop for a moment. + </p> + <p> + "What a beautiful steeple!" exclaimed Bob; "I should, though no architect, + prefer this to any I have yet seen in London." + </p> + <p> + "Your remark," replied Dashall, "does credit to your taste; it is + considered the finest in the Metropolis. St. Paul's displays the grand + effort of Sir Christopher Wren; but there are many other fine specimens of + his genius to be seen in the City. His Latin Epitaph in St. Paul's may be + translated thus: 'If you seek his monument, look around you;' and we may + say of this steeple, 'If you wish a pillar to his fame, look up.' The + interior of the little church, Walbrook,{1} (St. Stephen's) is likewise + considered a + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This church is perhaps unrivalled, for the beauty of the + architecture of its interior. For harmony of proportion, + grace, airiness, variety, and elegance, it is not to be + surpassed. It is a small church, built in the form of a + cross. The roof is supported by Corinthian columns, so + disposed as to raise an idea of grandeur, which the + dimensions of the structure do not seem to promise. Over the + centre, at which the principal aisles cross, is a dome + divided into compartments, the roof being partitioned in a + similar manner, and the whole finely decorated. The effect + of this build-ing is inexpressibly delightful; the eye at + one glance embracing a plan full and distinct, and + afterwards are seen a greater number of parts than the + spectator was prepared to expect. It is known and admired on + the Continent, as a master-piece of art. Over the altar is a + fine painting of the martyrdom of St. Stephen, by West. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[273]</span> <i>chef d'ouvre</i> of the same artist, + and serves to display the versatility of his genius." + </p> + <p> + Instead however of looking up, Bob was looking over the way, where a + number of people, collected round a bookseller's window, had attracted his + attention. + </p> + <p> + "Apropos," cried Dashall,—"The Temple of Apollo—we should have + overlook'd a fine subject, but for your remark—yonder is Tegg's + Evening Book Auction, let us cross and see what's going on. He is a fellow + of 'infinite mirth and good humour,' and many an evening have I passed at + his Auction, better amused than by a farce at the Theatre." + </p> + <p> + They now attempted to cross, but the intervening crowd of carriages, three + or four deep, and in a line as far as the eye could reach, for the present + opposed an obstacle. + </p> + <p> + "If I could think of it," said Sparkle, "I'd give you the Ode on his + Birth-day, which I once saw in MS.—it is the <i>jeu d'esprit</i> of + a very clever young Poet, and who perhaps one of these days may be better + known; but poets, like anatomical subjects, are worth but little till + dead." + </p> + <p> + "And for this reason, I suppose," says Tom, "their friends and patrons are + anxious they should rather be starved than die a natural death." + </p> + <p> + "Oh! now I have it—let us remain in the Church-yard a few minutes, + while the carriages pass, and you shall hear it."<span class="pagenum">[274]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Ye hackney-coaches, and ye carts, + That oft so well perform your parts + For those who choose to ride, + Now louder let your music grow— + Your heated axles fiery glow— + Whether you travel quick or slow- + In Cheapside. + + For know, "ye ragged rascals all," + (As H——- would in his pulpit bawl + With cheeks extended wide) + Know, as you pass the crowded way, + This is the happy natal day + Of Him whose books demand your stay + In Cheapside. + + 'Twas on the bright propitious morn + When the facetious Tegcy was born, + Of mirth and fun the pride, + That Nature said "good Fortune follow, + Bear him thro' life o'er hill and hollow, + Give him the Temple of Apollo + In Cheapside." + + Then, O ye sons of Literature! + Shew your regard for Mother Nature, + Nor let her be denied: + Hail! hail the man whose happy birth + May tell the world of mental worth; + They'll find the best books on the earth + In Cheapside. +</pre> + <p> + "Good!" exclaimed Bob; "but we will now endeavour to make our way across, + and take a peep at the subject of the Ode." + </p> + <p> + Finding the auction had not yet commenced, Sparkle proposed adjourning to + the Burton Coffee House in the adjacent passage, taking a nip of ale by + way of refreshment and exhilaration, and returning in half an hour. This + proposition was cordially agreed to by all, except Tallyho, whose + attention was engrossed by a large collection of Caricatures which lay + exposed in a portfolio on the table beneath the rostrum. The irresistible + broad humour of the subjects had taken fast hold of his risible muscles, + and in turning them over one after the other, he found it difficult to + part with such a rich fund of humour, and still more so to stifle the + violent emotion it excited. At length, clapping his hands to his sides, he + gave full vent to the impulse in a horse-laugh from a pair of truly + Stentorian lungs, and was by main force dragged out by his companions. + </p> + <p> + While seated in the comfortable enjoyment of their nips of ale, Sparkle, + with his usual vivacity, began an elucidation of the subjects they had + just left. "The collection of Caricatures," said he, "which is considered + the largest in London, are mostly from the pencil of that self-taught + artist, the late George Woodward, and display not only a genuine and + original style of humour in the design, but a corresponding and + appropriate character in the dialogue, or speeches connected with the + figures. Like his contemporary in another branch of the art, George + Morland, he possessed all the eccentricity and thoughtless improvidence so + common and frequently so fatal to genius; and had not his good fortune led + him towards Bow Church, he must have suffered severe privations, and + perhaps eventually have perished of want. Here, he always found a ready + market, and a liberal price for his productions, however rude or hasty the + sketch, or whatever might be the subject of them." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[275]</span> "As to books," continued he, "all ages, + classes, and appetites, may be here suited. The superficial dabbler in, + and pretender to every thing, will find collections, selections, beauties, + flowers, gems, &c. The man of real knowledge may here purchase the + elements, theory, and practice of every art and science, in all the + various forms and dimensions, from a single volume, to the Encyclopedia at + large. The dandy may meet with plenty of pretty little foolscap volumes, + delightfully hot-pressed, and exquisitely embellished; the contents of + which will neither fatigue by the quantity, nor require the laborious + effort of thought to comprehend. The jolly <i>bon-vivant</i> and Bacchanal + will find abundance of the latest songs, toasts, and sentiments; and the + Would-be-Wit will meet with Joe Miller in such an endless variety of new + dresses, shapes, and sizes, that he may fancy he possesses all the + collected wit of ages brought down to the present moment. The young + Clerical will find sermons adapted to every local circumstance, every rank + and situation in society, and may furnish himself with a complete stock in + trade of sound orthodox divinity; while the City Epicure may store himself + with a complete library on the arts of confectionary, cookery, &c, + from Apicius, to the "Glutton's Almanack." The Demagogue may furnish + himself with flaming patriotic speeches, ready cut and dried, which he has + only to learn by heart against the next Political Dinner, and if he should + not 'let the cat out,' by omitting to substitute the name of Londonderry + for Cæsar, he may pass off for a second Brutus, and establish an equal + claim to oratory with Burke, Pitt, and Fox. The——" + </p> + <p> + "Auction will be over," interrupted Bob, "before you get half through your + descriptive Catalogue of the Books, so finish your nip, and let us be + off." + </p> + <p> + They entered, and found the Orator hard at it, knocking down with all the + energy of a Crib, and the sprightly wit of a Sheridan. Puns, bon mots, and + repartees, flew about like crackers. + </p> + <p> + "The next lot, Gentlemen, is the Picture of London,—impossible to + possess a more useful book—impossible to say what trouble and + expence may be avoided by the possession of this little volume. When your + Country Cousins pay you a visit, what a bore, what an expence, to be day + after day leading them about—taking them up the Monument—down + the Adelphi—round St. Paul's—across the <span class="pagenum">[276]</span> + Parks, through the new Streets—along the Strand, or over the Docks, + the whole of which may be avoided at the expence of a few shillings. You + have only to clap into their pocket in the morning this invaluable little + article, turn them out for the day, and, if by good luck they should not + fall into the hands of sharpers and swindlers, your dear Coz will return + safe home at night, with his head full of wonders, and his pockets empty + of cash!" + </p> + <p> + "The d——l," whispered Bob, "he seems to know me, and what + scent we are upon." + </p> + <p> + "Aye," replied his Cousin, "he not only knows you, but he knows that some + of your cash will soon be in his pockets, and has therefore made a dead + set at you." + </p> + <p> + "Next lot, Gentlemen, is a work to which my last observation bore some + allusion; should your friends, as I then observed, fortunately escape the + snares and dangers laid by sharpers and swindlers to entrap the unwary, + you may, perchance, see them safe after their day's ramble; but should—aye, + Gentlemen, there's the rub—should they be caught by the numerous + traps and snares laid for the Johnny Raw and Greenhorn in this great and + wicked metropolis, God knows what may become of them. Now, Gentlemen, we + have a remedy for every disease—here is the London Spy or Stranger's + Guide through the Metropolis; here all the arts, frauds, delusions, &c. + are exposed, and—Tom, give that Gentleman change for his half crown, + and deliver Lot 3.—As I was before observing, Gentlemen—Turn + out that young rascal who is making such a noise, cracking nuts, that I + can't hear the bidding.—Gentlemen, as I before observed, if you will + do me the favour of bidding me—" + </p> + <p> + "Good night, Sir," cried a younker, who had just exploded a detonating + cracker, and was making his escape through the crowd. + </p> + <p> + "The next lot, gentlemen, is the Young Man's best Companion, and as your + humble Servant is the author, he begs to decline any panegyric—modesty + forbids it—but leaves it entirely with you to appreciate its merits—two + shillings—two and six—three shillings—three and six—four, + going for four—for you, Sir, at four." + </p> + <p> + "Me, Sir! Lord bless you, I never opened my mouth!" + </p> + <p> + "Perfectly aware of that, Sir, it was quite unnecessary—I could read + your intention in your eye—and observed the muscle of the mouth, + call'd by anatomists the + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[277]</span> <i>zygomaticus major</i>, in the act of + moving. I should have been dull not to have noticed it—and rude not + to have saved you the trouble of speaking: Tom, deliver the Gentleman the + lot, and take four shillings." + </p> + <p> + "Well, Sir, I certainly feel flattered with your acute and polite + attention, and can do no less than profit by it—so hand up the lot—cheap + enough, God knows." + </p> + <p> + "And pray," said Dashall to his Cousin as they quitted, "what do you + intend doing with all your purchases? why it will require a waggon to + remove them." + </p> + <p> + "O, I shall send the whole down to Belville Hall: our friends there will + be furnished with a rare stock of entertainment during the long winter + evenings, and no present I could offer would be half so acceptable." + </p> + <p> + "Well," remarked Mortimer, "you bid away bravely, and frequently in your + eagerness advanced on yourself: at some sales you would have paid dearly + for this; but here no advantage was taken, the mistake was explained, and + the bidding declined in the most fair and honourable manner. I have often + made considerable purchases, and never yet had reason to repent, which is + saying much; for if I inadvertently bid for, and had a lot knocked down to + me, which I afterwards disliked, I always found an acquaintance glad to + take it off my hands at the cost, and in several instances have sold or + exchanged to considerable advantage. One thing I am sorry we overlooked: a + paper entitled, "Seven Reasons," is generally distributed during the Sale, + and more cogent reasons I assure you could not be assigned, both for + purchasing and reading in general, had the seven wise men of Greece drawn + them up. You may at any time procure a copy, and it will furnish you with + an apology for the manner in which you have spent your time and money, for + at least one hour, during your abode in London." + </p> + <p> + Please, Sir, to buy a ha'porth of matches, said a poor, squalid little + child without a shoe to her foot, who was running by the side of Bob—it's + the last ha'porth, Sir, and I must sell them before I go home. + </p> + <p> + This address was uttered in so piteous a tone, that it could not well be + passed unheeded. + </p> + <p> + "Why," said Tallyho, "as well as Bibles and Schools for all, London seems + to have a match for every body." + </p> + <p> + "Forty a penny, Spring-radishes," said a lusty bawling <span + class="pagenum">[278]</span> fellow as he passed, in a voice so loud and + strong, as to form a complete contrast to the little ragged Petitioner, + 'who held out her handful of matches continuing her solicitations. Bob put + his hand in his pocket, and gave her sixpence. + </p> + <p> + "We shall never get on at this rate," said Tom; "and I find I must again + advise you not to believe all you hear and see. These little ragged + run-abouts are taught by their Parents a species of imposition or + deception of which you are not aware, and while perhaps you congratulate + yourself with 'the thought of having done a good act, you are only + contributing to the idleness and dissipation of a set of hardened beings, + who are laughing at your credulity; and I suspect this is a case in point—do + you see that woman on the opposite side of the way, and the child giving + her the money?" + </p> + <p> + "I do," said Tallyho; "that, I suppose, is her mother?" + </p> + <p> + "Probably," continued Dashall—"now mark what will follow." + </p> + <p> + They stopped a short time, and observed that the Child very soon disposed + of her last bunch of matches, as she had termed them, gave the money to + the woman, who supplied her in return with another last bunch, to be + disposed of in a similar way. + </p> + <p> + "Is it possible?" said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Not only possible, but you see it is actual; it is not however the only + species of deceit practised with success in London in a similar way; + indeed the trade of match-making has latterly been a good one among those + who have been willing to engage in it. Many persons of decent appearance, + representing themselves to be tradesmen and mechanics out of employ, have + placed themselves at the corners of our streets, and canvassed the + outskirts of the town, with green bags, carrying matches, which, by + telling a pityful tale, they induce housekeepers and others, who + commiserate their situation, to purchase; and, in the evening, are able to + figure away in silk stockings with the produce of their labours. There is + one man, well known in town, who makes a very good livelihood by bawling + in a stentorian voice, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, + Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, + Buy my good matches, come buy'em of me." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[279]</span> He is usually dressed in something like + an old military great coat, wears spectacles, and walks with a stick." + </p> + <p> + "And is a match for any body, match him who can,", cried Frank Harry; + "But, bless your heart, that's nothing to another set of gentry, who have + infested our streets in clean apparel, with a broom in their hands, + holding at the same time a hat to receive the contributions of the + passengers, whose benevolent donations are drawn forth without inquiry by + the appearance of the applicant." + </p> + <p> + "It must," said Tallyho, "arise from the distresses of the times." + </p> + <p> + "There may be something in that," said Tom; "but in many instances it has + arisen from the depravity of the times—to work upon the well-known + benevolent feelings of John Bull; for those who ambulate the public + streets of this overgrown and still increasing Metropolis and its + principal avenues, are continually pestered with impudent impostors, of + both sexes, soliciting charity—men and women, young and old, who get + more by their pretended distresses in one day than many industrious and + painstaking tradesmen or mechanics do in a week. All the miseries, all the + pains of life, with tears that ought to be their honest and invariable + signals, can be and are counterfeited—limbs, which enjoy the fair + proportion of nature, are distorted, to work upon humanity—fits are + feigned and wounds manufactured—rags, and other appearances of the + most squalid and abject poverty, are assumed, as the best engines of + deceit, to procure riches to the idle and debaucheries to the infamous. + Ideal objects of commiseration are undoubtedly to be met with, though + rarely to be found. It requires a being hackneyed in the ways of men, or + having at least some knowledge of the town, to be able to discriminate the + party deserving of benevolence; but + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "A begging they will go will go, + And a begging they will go." +</pre> + <p> + The chief cause assigned by some for the innumerable classes of mendicants + that infest our streets, is a sort of innate principle of independence and + love of liberty. However, it must be apparent that they do not like to + work, and to beg they are not ashamed; they are, with very few exceptions, + lazy and impudent. And then what <span class="pagenum">[280]</span> is + collected from the humane but deluded passengers is of course expended at + their festivals in Broad Street, St. Giles's, or some other equally + elegant and appropriate part of the town, to which we shall at an early + period pay a visit. Their impudence is intolerable; for, if refused a + contribution, they frequently follow up the denial with the vilest + execrations. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "To make the wretched blest, + Private charity is best." +</pre> + <p> + "The common beggar spurns at your laws; indeed many of their arts are so + difficult of detection, that they are enabled to escape the vigilance of + the police, and with impunity insult those who do not comply with their + wishes, seeming almost to say, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "While I am a beggar I will rail, + And say there is no sin but to be rich; + And being rich, my virtue then shall be, + To say there is no vice but beggary." +</pre> + <p> + "Begging has become so much a sort of trade, that parents have been known + to give their daughters or sons the begging of certain streets in the + metropolis as marriage portions; and some years ago some scoundrels were + in the practice of visiting the outskirts of the town in sailors' dresses, + pretending to be dumb, and producing written papers stating that their + tongues had been cut out by the Algerines, by which means they excited + compassion, and were enabled to live well." + </p> + <p> + "No doubt it is a good trade," said Merry well, "and I expected we should + have been made better acquainted with its real advantages by Capt. + Barclay, of walking and sporting celebrity, who, it was said, had laid a + wager of 1000L. that he would walk from London to Edinburgh in the assumed + character of a beggar, pay all his expences of living well on the road, + and save out of his gains fifty pounds." + </p> + <p> + "True," said Tom, "but according to the best account that can be obtained, + that report is without foundation. The establishment, however, of the + Mendicity Society{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The frauds and impositions practised upon the public are + so numerous, that volumes might be filled by detailing the + arts that have been and are resorted to by mendicants; and + the records of the Society alluded to would furnish + instances that might almost stagger the belief of the most + credulous. The life of the infamous Vaux exhibits numerous + instances in which he obtained money under genteel + professions, by going about with a petition soliciting the + aid and assistance of the charitable and humane; and + therefore are continually cheats who go from door to door + collecting money for distressed families, or for charitable + purposes. It is, however, a subject so abundant, and + increasing by every day's observation, that we shall for the + present dismiss it, as there will be other opportunities in + the course of the work for going more copiously into it. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[281]</span> is calculated to discover much on this + subject, and has already brought to light many instances of depravity and + deception, well deserving the serious consideration of the public." + </p> + <p> + As they approached the end of the Poultry,—"This," said Dashall, "is + the heart of the first commercial city in the known world. On the right is + the Mansion House, the residence of the Lord Mayor for the time being." + </p> + <p> + The moon had by this time almost withdrawn her cheering beams, and there + was every appearance, from the gathering clouds, of a shower of rain. + </p> + <p> + "It is rather a heavy looking building, from what I can see at present," + replied Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Egad!" said Tom, "the appearance of every thing at this moment is gloomy, + let us cross." + </p> + <p> + With this, they crossed the road to Debatt's the Pastry Cook's Shop. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" said Tom, casting his eye upon the clock, "it is after ten; I + begin to suspect we must alter our course, and defer a view of the east to + a more favourable opportunity, and particularly as we are likely to have + an accompaniment of water." + </p> + <p> + "Never mind," said Merrywell, "we can very soon be in very comfortable + quarters; besides, a rattler is always to be had or a comfortable lodging + to be procured with an obliging bed-fellow—don't you begin to croak + before there is any occasion for it—what has time to do with us?" + </p> + <p> + "Aye aye," said Frank Harry, "don't be after damping us before we get wet; + this is the land of plenty, and there is no fear of being lost—come + along." + </p> + <p> + "On the opposite side," said Tom, addressing his Cousin, "is the Bank of + England; it is a building of large extent and immense business; you can + now only discern its exterior by the light of the lamps; it is however a + place <span class="pagenum">[282]</span> to which we must pay a visit, and + take a complete survey upon some future occasion. In the front is the + Royal Exchange, the daily resort of the Merchants and Traders of the + Metropolis, to transact their various business." + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Merry well, "I find we are all upon the right scent—Frank + Harry has promised to introduce us to a house of well known resort in this + neighbourhood—we will shelter ourselves under the staple commodity + of the country—for the Woolsack and the Woolpack, I apprehend, are + synonimous." + </p> + <p> + "Well thought of, indeed," said Dashall; "it is a house where you may at + all times be certain of good accommodation and respectable society—besides, + I have some acquaintance there of long standing, and may probably meet + with them; so have with you, my boys. The Woolpack in Cornhill," continued + he, addressing himself more particularly to Tallyho, "is a house that has + been long established, and deservedly celebrated for its general + accommodations, partaking as it does of the triple qualifications of + tavern, chop-house, and public-house. Below stairs is a commodious room + for smoking parties, and is the constant resort of foreigners,{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 There is an anecdote related, which strongly induces a + belief that Christian VII. while in London, visited this + house in company with his dissipated companion, Count + Holcke, which, as it led to the dismissal of Holcke, and the + promotion of the afterwards unfortunate Struensée, and is + perhaps not very generally known, we shall give here. + + One day while in London, Count Holcke and Christian vir. + went to a well-known public-house not far from the Bank, + which was much frequented by Dutch and Swedish Captains: + Here they listened to the conversation of the company, + which, as might be expected, was full of expressions of + admiration and astonishment at the splendid festivities + daily given in honour of Christian VII. Count Holcke, who + spoke German in its purity, asked an old Captain what he + thought of his King, and if he were not proud of the honours + paid to him by the English?—"I think (said the old man + dryly) that with such counsellors as Count Holcke, if he + escapes destruction it will be a miracle."—' Do you know + Count Holcke, my friend, (said the disguised courtier) as + you speak of him thus familiarly?'—"Only by report (replied + the Dane); but every person in Copenhagen pities the young + Queen, attributing the coolness which the King shewed + towards her, ere he set out on his voyage, to the malicious + advice of Holcke." The confusion of this minion may be + easier conceived than described; whilst the King, giving the + Skipper a handful of ducats, bade him <i>speak the truth and + shame the devil</i>. As soon, however, as the King spoke in + Danish, the Skipper knew him, and looking at him with love + and reverence, said in a low, subdued tone of voice—" + Forgive me, Sire, but I cannot forbear my tears to see you + exposed to the temptations of this extensive and wicked + Metropolis, under the pilotage of the most dissolute + nobleman of Denmark." Upon which he retired, bowing + profoundly to his Sovereign, and casting at Count Holcke a + look full of defiance and reproach. Holcke's embarrassment + was considerably increased by this, and he was visibly hurt, + seeing the King in a manner countenanced the rudeness of the + Skipper. + + This King, who it should seem determined to see <i>Real Life + in London</i>, mingled in all societies, participating in their + gaieties and follies, and by practices alike injurious to + body and soul, abandoned himself to destructive habits, + whose rapid progress within a couple of years left nothing + but a shattered and debilitated hulk afflicted in the + morning of life with all the imbecility of body and mind + incidental to extreme old age. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[283]</span> who are particularly partial to the + brown stout, which they can obtain there in higher perfection than in any + other house in London. Brokers and others, whose business calls them to + the Royal Exchange, are also pretty constant visitors, to meet captains + and traders—dispose of different articles of merchandise—engage + shipping and bind bargains—it is a sort of under Exchange, where + business and refreshment go hand in hand with the news of the day, and the + clamour of the moment; beside which, the respectable tradesmen of the + neighbourhood meet in an evening to drive dull care away, and converse on + promiscuous subjects; it is generally a mixed company, but, being + intimately connected with our object of seeing <i>Real Life in London</i>, + deserves a visit. On the first floor is a good room for dining, where + sometimes eighty persons in a day are provided with that necessary meal in + a genteel style, and at a moderate price—besides other rooms for + private parties. Above these is perhaps one of the handsomest rooms in + London, of its size, capable of dining from eighty to a hundred persons. + But you will now partake of its accommodations, and mingle with some of + its company." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had passed the Royal Exchange, and Tom was enlarging + upon the new erections lately completed; when all at once, + </p> + <p> + "Hallo," said Bob, "what is become of our party?" "All right," replied his + Cousin; "they have given us the slip without slipping from us—I know + their movements to a moment, we shall very soon be with them—this + way—this way," said he, drawing Bob into the narrow passage which + leads to the back of St. Peter's Church, Cornhill—"this is the track + we must follow." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho followed in silence till they entered the house, and were greeted + by the Landlord at the bar with a bow of welcome; passing quickly to the + right, they were saluted with immoderate volumes of smoke, conveying to + their olfactory nerves the refreshing fumes of tobacco, and almost taking + from them the power of sight, except to observe a bright flame burning in + the middle of the room. Tom darted forward, and knowing his way well, was + quickly seated by the side of Merrywell, Mortimer, and Harry; while + Tallyho was seen by those who were invisible to him', groping his way in + the same direction, amidst the laughter of the company, occasionally + interlarded with scraps which caught his ear from a gentleman who was at + the moment reading some of the comments from the columns of the Courier, + in which he made frequent pauses and observations. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[284]</span> "Why, you can't see yourself for + smoke," said one; "D———n it how hard you tread," said + another. And then a line from the Reader came as follows—"The worthy + Alderman fought his battles o'er again—Ha, ha, ha—Who comes + here 1 upon my word, Sir, I thought you had lost your way, and tumbled + into the Woolpack instead of the Skin-market.—' It is a friend of + mine, Sir.'—That's a good joke, upon my soul; not arrived yet, why + St. Martin's bells have been ringing all day; perhaps he is only half-seas + over—Don't tell me, I know better than that—D———n + that paper, it ought to be burnt by—The fish are all poison'd by the + Gas-light Company—Six weeks imprisonment for stealing two dogs!—Hides + and bark—How's sugars to-day?—Stocks down indeed—Yes, + Sir, and bread up—Presto, be gone—What d'ye think of that now, + eh?—Gammon, nothing but gammon—On table at four o'clock ready + dressed and—Well done, my boy, that's prime." + </p> + <p> + These sentences were uttered from different parts of the room in almost as + great a variety of voices as there must have been subjects of + conversation; but as they fell upon the ear of Tallyho without connection, + he almost fancied himself transported to the tower of Babel amidst the + confusion of tongues. + </p> + <p> + "Beg pardon," said Tallyho, who by this time had gained a seat by his + Cousin, and was gasping like a turtle for air—"I am not used to this + travelling in the dark; but I shall be able to see presently." + </p> + <p> + "See," said Frank Harry, "who the devil wants to see more than their + friends around them? and here we are <i>at home to a peg</i>." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[285]</span> "I shall have finished in two minutes, + Gentlemen," said the Reader,{1} cocking up a red nose, that shone with + resplendent lustre between his spectacles, and then continuing to read on, + only listened to by a few of those around him, while a sort of general buz + of conversation was indistinctly heard from all quarters. + </p> + <p> + They were quickly supplied with grog and segars, and Bob, finding himself + a little better able to make use of his eyes, was throwing his glances to + every part of the room, in order to take a view of the company: and while + Tom was congratulated by those who knew him at the <i>Round Table</i>—Merrywell + and Harry were in close conversation with Mortimer. + </p> + <p> + At a distant part of the room, one could perceive boxes containing small + parties of convivials, smoking and drinking, every one seeming to have + some business of importance to claim occasional attention, or engaged in, + </p> + <p> + "The loud laugh that speaks the vacant mind." In one corner was a stout + swarthy-looking man, with large whiskers and of ferocious appearance, + amusing those around him with conjuring tricks, to their great + satisfaction and delight; nearly opposite the Reader of the Courier, sat + an elderly Gentleman{2} with grey hair, who heard + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 To those who are in the habit of visiting this room in an + evening, the character alluded to here will immediately be + familiar. He is a gentleman well known in the neighbourhood + as an Auctioneer, and he has a peculiar manner of reading + with strong emphasis certain passages, at the end of which + he makes long pauses, laughs with inward satisfaction, and + not infrequently infuses a degree of pleasantry in others. + The Courier is his favourite paper, and if drawn into an + argument, he is not to be easily subdued. + + "At arguing too each person own'd his skill, + For e'en tho' vanquish'd, he can argue still." + + 2 This gentleman, who is also well known in the room, where + he generally smokes his pipe of an evening, is plain and + blunt, but affable and communicative in his manners—bold in + his assertions, and has proved himself courageous in + defending them—asthmatic, and by some termed phlegmatic; + but an intelligent and agreeable companion, unless thwarted + in his argument—a stanch friend to the late Queen and the + constitution of his country, with a desire to have the + <i>Constitution, the whole Constitution, and nothing but the + Constitution</i>. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[286]</span> what was passing, but said nothing; he + however puffed away large quantities of smoke at every pause of the + Reader, and occasionally grinn'd at the contents of the paper, from which. + Tallyho readily concluded that he was in direct political opposition to + its sentiments. + </p> + <p> + The acquisition of new company was not lost upon to those who were seated + at the round table, and it was not long before the Hon. Tom Dashall was + informed that they hoped to have the honour of his Cousin's name as a + member; nor were they backward in conveying a similar hint to Frank Harry, + who immediately proposed his two friends, Mortimer and Merry well; an + example which was followed by Tom's proposing his Cousin. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0001" id="link2image-0001"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page286.jpg" alt="Page286 Road to a Fight " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Such respectable introductions could not fail to meet the approbation of + the Gentlemen present,—consequently they were unanimously elected + Knights of the Round Table, which was almost as quickly supplied by the + Waiter with a capacious bowl of punch, and the healths of the newmade + Members drank with three times three; when their attention was suddenly + drawn to a distant part of the room, where a sprightly Stripling, who was + seated by the swarthy Conjuror before mentioned, was singing the following + Song: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE JOYS OF A MILL, + OR + A TODDLE TO A FIGHT. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Now's the time for milling, boys, since all the world's agog + for it, + Away to Copthorne, Moulsey Hurst, or Slipperton they go; + Or grave or gay, they post away, nay pawn their very togs + for it, + And determined to be up to all, go down to see the show: + Giddy pated, hearts elated, cash and courage all to view it, + Ev'ry one to learn a bit, and tell his neighbours how to do it; + E'en little Sprites in lily whites, are fibbing it and rushing it, + Your dashing Swells from Bagnigge Wells, are flooring it and + flushing it: + + Oh! 'tis a sight so gay and so uproarious, + That all the world is up in arms, and ready for a fight. + The roads are so clogg'd, that they beggar all description now, + With lads and lasses, prim'd and grogg'd for bang-up fun and + glee; + Here's carts and gigs, and knowing prigs all ready to kick up a row, + And ev'ry one is anxious to obtain a place to see; + Here's a noted sprig of life, who sports his tits and clumner too, + And there is Cribb and Gully, Belcher, Oliver, and H armer too, + With Shelton, Bitton, Turner, Hales, and all the lads to go it well, + Who now and then, to please the Fancy, make opponents know it + well: + + Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. + But now the fight's begun, and the Combatants are setting to, + Silence is aloud proclaim'd by voices base and shrill; + Facing, stopping—-fibbing, dropping—claret tapping—betting too— + Reeling, rapping—physic napping, all to grace the mill; + Losing, winning—horse-laugh, grinning—mind you do not glance + away, + Or somebody may mill your mug, and of your nob in Chancery; + For nobs and bobs, and empty fobs, the like no tongue could ever + tell— + See, here's the heavy-handed Gas, and there's the mighty Non- + pareil: + + Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. + Thus milling is the fashion grown, and ev'ry one a closer is; + With lessons from the lads of fist to turn out quite the thing; + True science may be learn'd where'er the fam'd Mendoza is, + And gallantry and bottom too from Scroggins, Martin, Spring; + For sparring now is all the rage in town, and country places + too, + And collar-bones and claret-mugs are often seen at races too; + While counter-hits, and give and take, as long as strength can + hold her seat, + Afford the best amusement in a bit of pugilistic treat: + + Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. +</pre> + <p> + While this song was singing, universal silence prevailed, but an uproar of + approbation followed, which lasted for some minutes, with a general call + of encore, which however soon subsided, and the company was again restored + to their former state of conversation; each party appearing distinct, + indulged in such observations and remarks as were most suitable or + agreeable to themselves. + </p> + <p> + Bob was highly pleased with this description of a milling match; and as + the Singer was sitting near the person who had excited a considerable + portion of his attention at intervals in watching his tricks, in some of + which great ingenuity was displayed, he asked his Cousin if he knew him. + </p> + <p> + "Know him," replied Tom, "to be sure I do; that is no other than Bitton, a + well-known pugilist, who frequently exhibits at the Fives-Court; he is a + Jew, and employs his time in giving lessons." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" said Mortimer, "he seems to have studied the art of Legerdemain + as well as the science of Milling." + </p> + <p> + "He is an old customer here," said a little Gentleman at the opposite side + of the table, drawing from his pocket a box of segars{1}—"Now, Sir," + continued he, "if you wish for a treat," addressing himself to Tallyho, + "allow me to select you one—there, Sir, is asgar like a nosegay—I + had it from a friend of mine who only arrived yesterday—you don't + often meet with such, I assure you." + </p> + <p> + Bob accepted the offer, and was in the act of lighting it, when Bitton + approached toward their end of the room with some cards in his hand, from + which Bob began to anticipate he would shew some tricks upon them. + </p> + <p> + As soon as he came near the table, he had his eye upon the Hon. Tom + Dashall, to whom he introduced 'himself by the presentation of a card, + which announced his benefit for the next week at the Fives-Court, when all + the prime lads of the ring had promised to exhibit. + </p> + <p> + "Egad!" said Dashall, "it will be an excellent opportunity—what, + will you take a trip that way and see the mighty men of fist?" + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "And mine too," exclaimed Mortimer. + </p> + <p> + It was therefore quickly determined, and each of the party being supplied + with a ticket, Bitton canvassed the room for other customers, after which + he again retired to his seat. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said a smartly dressed Gentleman in a white hat, "we have heard a + song from the other end of the room, I hope we shall be able to muster one + here." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This gentleman, whose dress and appearance indicate + something of the Dandy, is a resident in Mark Lane, and + usually spends his evening at the Round Table, where he + appears to pride himself upon producing the finest segars + that can be procured, and generally affords some of his + friends an opportunity of proving them deserving the + recommendations with which he never fails to present them. +</pre> + <p> + This proposition was received with applause, and, upon Tom's giving a + hint, Frank Harry was called upon—the glasses were filled, a toast + was given, and the bowl was dispatched for a replenish; he then sung the + following Song, accompanied with voice, manner, and action, well + calculated to rivet attention and obtain applause: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + PIGGISH PROPENSITIES, + + THE BUMPKIN IN TOWN. + + "A Bumpkin to London one morning in Spring, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, + Took a fat pig to market, his leg in a string, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + The clown drove him forward, while piggy, good lack! + Lik'd his old home so well, he still tried to run back— +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—Coome, coome (said the Bumpkin to himself,) Lunnun is the + grand mart for every thing; there they have their Auction Marts, their + Coffee Marts, and their Linen Marts: and as they are fond of a tid-bit of + country pork, I see no reason why they should not have" a Pork and Bacon + Mart—so get on (pig grunts,) I am glad to hear you have a voice on + the subject, though it seems not quite in tune with my + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la. + + It chanc'd on the road they'd a dreadful disaster, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + The grunter ran back 'twixt the legs of his master, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + The Bumpkin he came to the ground in a crack, + And the pig, getting loose, he ran all the way back! +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—Hallo, (said the clown, scrambling up again, and scratching + his broken head,) to be sure I have heard of sleight-of-hand, hocus-pocus + and sich like; but by gum this here be a new manouvre called sleight of + legs; however as no boanes be broken between us, I'll endeavour to make + use on 'em once more in following the game in view: so here goes, with a + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hey derry, ho derry, &c. + + He set off again with his pig in a rope, + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, + Reach'd London, and now for good sale 'gan to hope + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + But the pig, being beat 'till his bones were quite sore. + Turning restive, rush'd in at a brandy-shop door. +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—The genteeler and politer part of the world might feel a + little inclined to call this piggish behaviour; but certainly after a long + and fatiguing journey, nothing can be more refreshing than a <i>drap of + the cratur</i>; and deeming this the regular mart for the good stuff, in + he bolts, leaving his master to sing as long as he pleased—Hey + derry, he deny, &c. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Here three snuffy Tabbies he put to the rout, + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai lft, + With three drams to the quartern, that moment serv'd + out, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + The pig gave a grunt, and the clown gave a roar, + When the whole of the party lay flat on the floor! +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—Yes, there they lay all of a lump; and a precious group + there was of them: The old women, well prun'd with snuff and twopenny, and + bang-up with gin and bitters—the fair ones squalled; the clown + growled like a bear with a broken head; the landlord, seeing all that + could be seen as they roll'd over each other, stared, like a stuck pig! + while this grand chorus of soft and sweet voices from the swinish + multitude was accompanied by the pig with his usual grunt, and a + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hey derry, ho derry, &o. + + The pig soon arose, and the door open flew, + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la, + When this scrambling group was expos'd to my view, + Hey deny, ho derry, fal de ral la; + He set off again, without waiting for Jack, + And not liking London, ran all the way back! +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—The devil take the pig! (said the Bumpkin) he is more + trouble than enough. "The devil take you (said Miss Sukey Snuffle) for you + are the greatest hog of the two; I dare say, if the truth was known, you + are brothers."—"I declare I never was so exposed in all my life + (said Miss Delia Doldrum.) There's my beautiful bloom petticoat, that + never was rumpled before in all my life—I'm quite shock'd!"—"Never + mind, (said the landlord) nobody cares about it; tho' I confess it was a + shocking affair."—'I wish he and his pigs were in the horse-pond + (continued she, endeavouring to hide her blushes with her hand)—Oh + my—oh my!'—"What?" (said Boniface)—'Oh, my elbow! + (squall'd out Miss Emilia Mumble) I am sure I shall never get over it.'—"Oh + yes you will (continued he) rise again, cheer your spirits with another + drop of old Tom, and you'll soon be able to sing + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hey derry, ho derry, &c. + + By mutual consent the old women all swore, + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, + That the clown was a brute, and his pig was a boar, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + He paid for their liquor, but grumbled, good lack, + Without money or pig to gang all the way back. +</pre> + <p> + (Spoken)—By gum (said he to himself, as he turn'd from the door) if + the Lunneners likes country pork, country pork doant seem to like they; + and if this be the success I'm to expect in this mighty great town in + search of the Grand Mart, I'll come no more, for I thinks as how its all a + flax; therefore I'll make myself contented to set at home in my own + chimney corner in the country, and sing + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hey derry, ho derry, &c. +</pre> + <p> + This song had attracted the attention of almost every one in the room; + there was a spirit and vivacity in the singer, combined with a power of + abruptly changing his voice, to give effect to the different passages, and + a knowledge of music as well as of character, which gave it an + irresistible charm; and the company, who had assembled round him, at the + close signified their approbation by a universal shout of applause. + </p> + <p> + All went on well—songs, toasts and sentiments—punch, puns and + witticisms, were handed about in abundance; in the mean time, the room + began to wear an appearance of thinness, many of the boxes were completely + deserted, and the Knights of the Bound Table were no longer surrounded by + their Esquires—still the joys of the bowl were exhilarating, and the + conversation agreeable, though at times a little more in a strain of + vociferation than had been manifested at the entrance of our party. It was + no time to ask questions as to the names and occupations of the persons by + whom he was surrounded; and Bob, plainly perceiving Frank Harry was + getting into Queer Street, very prudently declined all interrogatories for + the present, making, however, a determination within himself to know more + of the house and the company. + </p> + <p> + Mortimer also discovered symptoms of lush-logic, for though he had an + inclination to keep up the chaff, his dictionary appeared to be new + modelled, and his lingo abridged by repeated clips at his mother tongue, + by which he afforded considerable food for laughter. + </p> + <p> + Perceiving this, Tallyho thought it prudent to give his Cousin a hint, + which was immediately taken, and the party broke up.<span class="pagenum">[292]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0003" id="link22HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "O there are swilling wights in London town + Term'd jolly dogs—choice spirits—alias swine, + Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down, + Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine. + + These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus outrun, + Dosing with head-aches till the afternoon, + Lose half men's regular estate of Sun, + By borrowing too largely of the Moon: + + And being Bacchi plenus—full of wine— + Although they have a tolerable notion + Of aiming at progressive motion, + Tis not direct, 'tis rather serpentine." +</pre> + <p> + UPON leaving the house, it was quickly discovered that Mortimer was at sea + without a rudder or compass, but was still enabled to preserve the true + line of beauty, which is said to be in a flowing curve; Merry well was + magnanimous, Frank Harry moppy, and all of them rather muggy. Harry was + going Eastward, and the remainder of the party Westward; it was half-past + one in the morning—the weather had cleared up as their brains had + been getting foggy. + </p> + <p> + Tom proposed a rattler. + </p> + <p> + Frank Harry swore by the Bacchanalian divinity they might ride in the + rumble-tumble if they liked, but none of it for him, and began to stammer + out + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + How sweet in—the—wood-lands + Wi—ith ii—eet hound—and horn— + To awaken—shrill—[hiccup)—echo, + And taste the—(hiccup)—fresh morn. +</pre> + <p> + During this time, having turned to the right on leaving the Woolpack, + instead of the left, they were pursuing their way down Gracechurch Street, + in a line with London Bridge, without discovering their mistake; nor were + <span class="pagenum">[293]</span> they aware of the situation they were + in till they reached the Monument. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" said Tom, "we are all wrong here." + </p> + <p> + "All right," said Merrywell—"all right, my boys—go it, my + kidwhys." + </p> + <p> + Bob hearing his Cousin's exclamation, began to make enquiries. + </p> + <p> + "Never mind," said Tom, "we shall get housed presently—I have it—I + know the shop—it is but seldom I get out of the way, so come along—I + dare say we shall see some more fun yet." + </p> + <p> + Saying this, he led the way down Thames street and in a short time + introduced them to the celebrated house in Dark-House Lane, kept open at + all hours of the night for the accommodation of persons coming to market, + and going off by the Gravesend boats and packets early in the morning. + </p> + <p> + On entering this house of nocturnal convenience, a wide field for + observation was immediately opened to the mind of Dashall: he was no + novice to the varieties of character generally to be found within its + walls; and he anticipated an opportunity of imparting considerable + information to his Cousin, though somewhat clogg'd by his companions; + being known however at the bar, he found no difficulty in providing them + with beds: which being accomplished, + </p> + <p> + "Now," said Tom, "for a new scene in Real Life. Here we are situated at + Billingsgate, on the banks of the Thames; in another hour it will be all + alive—we will refresh ourselves with coffee, and then look around + us; but while it is preparing, we will take a survey of the interior—button + up—tie a silk handkerchief round your neck, and we may perhaps + escape suspicion of being mere lookers on; by which means we shall be + enabled to mingle with the customers in the tap-room, and no doubt you + will see some rum ones." + </p> + <p> + They now entered the tap or general room, which exhibited an appearance + beyond the powers of description. + </p> + <p> + In one corner lay a Sailor fast asleep, having taken so much ballast on + board as to prevent the possibility of any longer attending to the log, + but with due precaution resting his head on a bundle which he intended to + take on board his ship with him in the morning, and apparently well + guarded by a female on each side; in another was a weather-beaten + Fisherman in a Guernsey frock and a thick <span class="pagenum">[294]</span> + woollen night-cap, who, having just arrived with a cargo of fish, was + toiling away time till the commencement of the market with a pipe and a + pint, by whose side was seated a large Newfoundland dog, whose gravity of + countenance formed an excellent contrast with that of a man who was + entertaining the Fisherman with a history of his adventures through the + day, and who in return was allowed to participate in the repeatedly filled + pint—a Waterman in his coat and badge ready for a customer—and + two women, each having a shallow basket for the purpose of supplying + themselves with fish at the first market for the next day's sale. + </p> + <p> + 'Going to Gravesend, Gentlemen?' enquired the Waterman, as Tom and Bob + took their seats near him. + </p> + <p> + "No," was the reply. + </p> + <p> + "Beg pardon, Sir; thought as how you was going down, and mought want a + boat, that's all; hope no offence." + </p> + <p> + "I vas down at the Frying Pan in Brick Lane yesterday, (said the + communicative adventurer;) Snivelling Bill and Carrotty Poll was there in + rum order—you know Carrotty? Poll? so Poll, (Good health to you) you + knows how gallows lushy she gets—veil, as I vas saying, she had had + a good day vith her fish, and bang she comes back to Bill—you knows + she's rather nutty upon Bill, and according to my thinking they manages + things pretty veil together, only you see as how she is too many for him: + so, vhen she comes back, b———tme if Bill vasn't a + playing at skittles, and hadn't sold a dab all day; howsomdever he was a + vinning the lush, so you know Bill didn't care—but, my eyes! how she + did blow him up vhen she com'd in and see'd him just a going to bowl and + tip, she tipp'd him a vollopper right across the snout vhat made the + skittles dance again, and bang goes the bowl at her sconce instead of the + skittles: it vas lucky for her it did not hit her, for if it had, I'll be + d———d if ever she'd a cried Buy my live flounders any + more—he vas at play vith Sam Stripe the tailor; so the flea-catcher + he jumps in between 'em, and being a piece-botcher, he thought he could be + peace-maker, but it voudn't do, tho' he jump'd about like a parch'd pea in + a frying-pan—Poll called him Stitch louse, bid him pick up his + needles and be off—Bill vanted to get at Poll, Poll vanted to get at + Bill—and between them the poor Tailor got more stripes upon his + jacket than there is colours in a harlequin's breeches at Bartlemy Fair—Here's + good health to you—it was a <span class="pagenum">[295]</span> + bodkin to a but of brandy poor Snip didn't skip out of this here vorld + into that 'are?" + </p> + <p> + "And how did they settle it?" enquired the Fisherman. + </p> + <p> + 'I'll tell you all about it: I never see'd such a b———dy + lark in all my life; poor Sam is at all times as thin as a thread-paper, + and being but the ninth part of a man, he stood no chance between a man + and a voman—Bill vas bleeding at the konk like a half-killed hog, + and Carrotty Moll, full of fire and fury, vas defending herself vith her + fish-basket—Billy vas a snivelling, Poll a stoearing, and the poor + Tailor in a funk—thinks I to myself, this here vont never do—so + up I goes to Poll—Poll, says I———' To the devil I + pitch you,' says she—only you know I knows Poll veil enough—she + tried to sneak it over me, but she found as how I know'd better—Poll, + says I, hold your luff—give us no more patter about this here rum + rig—I'll give cost price for the fish, and you shall have the money; + and while I was bargaining with her, d———n me if Bill + and the Tailor vasn't a milling avay in good style, till Stripe's wife + comes in, gives Snivelling Billy a cross-buttock and bolted off vith her + fancy, like as the song says, The devil took the tailor + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Vith the broad cloth under his arm." +</pre> + <p> + I never laugh'd so in all my life; I thought I should———' + </p> + <p> + At this moment a nod from the Landlord informed Tom his coffee was ready, + when they were ushered into the parlour. + </p> + <p> + Bob, who had during the conversation in the other room, (which had + occasionally been interrupted by the snores of the sleepy Sailor, the + giggling of the Girls who appeared to have him in charge, and a growl from + the dog,) been particularly attentive to the narration of this adventure, + remarked that there was a peculiarity of dialect introduced, which, to a + person coming out of the country, would have been wholly unintelligible. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied Tom, "almost every trade and every calling of which the + numerous inhabitants of this overgrown town is composed, has a language of + its own, differing as widely from each other as those of provincials. Nor + is this less observable in high life, where every one seems at times to + aim at rendering himself conspicuous for some extraordinary mode of + expression. But come, I <span class="pagenum">[296]</span> perceive the + morning is shedding its rays upon us, and we shall be able to take a + survey of the more general visitors to this place of extensive utility and + resort—already you may hear the rumbling of carts in Thames Street, + and the shrill voice of the Fishwives, who are preparing for a day's work, + which they will nearly finish before two-thirds of the population leave + their pillows. This market, which is principally supplied by fishing + smacks and boats coming from the sea up the river Thames, and partly by + land carriage from every distance within the limits of England, and part + of Wales, is open every morning at day-light, and supplies the retailers + for some miles round the Metropolis. The regular shop-keepers come here in + carts, to purchase of what is called the Fish Salesman, who stands as it + were between the Fisherman who brings his cargo to market and the + Retailer; but there are innumerable hawkers of fish through the streets, + who come and purchase for themselves at first hand, particularly of + mackarel, herrings, sprats, lobsters, shrimps, flounders, soles, &c. + and also of cod and salmon when in season, and at a moderate rate, + composing an heterogeneous group of persons and characters, not easily to + be met with elsewhere." "Then," said Bob, "there is a certainty of high + and exalted entertainment;—I should suppose the supply of fish is + very considerable." + </p> + <p> + "The quantity of fish consumed," replied Tom, "in London is comparatively + small, fish being excessively dear in general: and this is perhaps the + most culpable defect in the supply of the capital, considering that the + rivers of Great Britain and the seas round her coast teem with that food.—There + are on an average about 2500 cargoes of fish, of 40 tons each, brought to + Billingsgate, and about 20,000 tons by land carriage, making a total of + about 120,000 tons; and the street venders form a sample of low life in + all its situations. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "————In such indexes, although small + To their subsequent volumes, there is seen + The baby figure of the giant mass + Of things to come at large." +</pre> + <p> + And the language you have already heard forms a part of what may be termed + Cockneyism." + </p> + <p> + "Cockneyism," said Bob, with an inquisitiveness in his countenance. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[297]</span> "Yes," continued Tom, "Cockney is + universally known to be the contemptuous appellation given to an + uneducated native of London, brought into life within the sound of Bow + bell—pert and conceited, yet truly ignorant, they generally discover + themselves by their mode of speech, notwithstanding they have frequent + opportunities of hearing the best language; the cause, I apprehend, is a + carelessness of every thing but the accumulation of money, which is + considered so important with them—that they seem at all times to be + in eager pursuit of it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "O Plutus, god of gold! thine aid impart, + Teach me to catch the money-catching art; + Or, sly Mercurius! pilfering god of old, + Thy lesser mysteries at least unfold." +</pre> + <p> + You will hear these gentry frequently deliver themselves in something like + the following manner: + </p> + <p> + "My eyes, Jim, vat slippy valking 'tis this here morning—I should + ave fell'd right down if so be as how I adn't cotch'd ould of a postis—vere + does you thinks I ave been? vy all the vay to Vapping Vail, an a top o + Tower Hill—I seed a voman pillar'd—such scrouging and + squeeging, and peltin vith heggs—ow funny! + </p> + <p> + "A female Fruit-seller will say to a Lady Oyster-dealer—Law, my dear + Mrs. Melton, how ar you this cowld morning, Mem.?—the streets vil be + nice and dirty—vel, for my part, I always likes dry vether—do + your usband vork at Foxall still?—I likes to warm my cowld nose vith + a pinch of your snuff—ow wery obliging—But come, I hear the + bustle of Billingsgate, and you shall have a peep at the people. By this + time they are all alive." + </p> + <p> + Bob laughed at his Cousin's specimens of cockney language, and they + sallied forth, to make further observations. + </p> + <p> + It was now a fine morning, the Sun shone with resplendent lustre upon all + around them, and danced in playful dimples on the sportive Thames; there + was however but little opportunity at the moment for them to contemplate + subjects of this sort, their eyes and ears being wholly attracted by the + passing and repassing of the persons desirous to sell or supply themselves + with fish; Thames Street was almost blocked up with carts, and the + hallooing and bawling of the different drivers, loading or unloading, + formed an occasional symphony to the <span class="pagenum">[298]</span> + continual hum of those who were moving in all directions to and from the + market. + </p> + <p> + "By yer leaf" said a sturdy built fellow, sweating under a load of fish + which appeared to press him almost down—"what the devil do you stand + in the way for?" + </p> + <p> + Bob, in stepping on one side to make room for this man to pass, + unfortunately trod upon the toe of an Hibernian lady, who was bearing away + a large basket of shrimps alive, and at the same time gave her arm so + forcible a jerk with his elbow, as disengaged her hand from the load; by + which means the whole cargo was overturned smack into the bosom of a + smartly dressed youth in white ducks, who was conducting some Ladies on + board one of the Gravesend boats. The confusion that followed is scarcely + to be conceived—the agitation of Talt who at hearing the vociferated + lamentations of the Irish woman—the spluttering of the disconcerted + Dandy—the declaration of the owner of the shrimps, "that so help her + God he should pay for her property"—the loud laughter of those + around them, who appeared to enjoy the embarrassment of the whole party—and + the shrimps hopping and jumping about amid the dirt and slush of the + pavement, while the Ladies were hunting those which had fallen into the + bosom of their conductor—formed a scene altogether, which, in spite + of the confusion of his Cousin, almost convulsed the Hon. Tom Dashall with + laughter, and which served but to increase the rancour of the owner of the + shrimps, and the poor toe-suffering Irishwoman, the execrations of the + Dandy Gentleman and his Ladies, and the miseries of poor Bob; to escape + from which, he gave the Hibernian and her employer enough to purchase + plaster for the one, and a fresh cargo for the other, and seizing Tom by + the arm, dragged him away from the scene of his misfortunes in fishery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0002" id="link2image-0002"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page298.jpg" alt="Page298 Real Life at Billingsgate " + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Their progress however was presently impeded by a sudden scream, which + appeared to come from a female, and .drew together almost all the people + on the spot, it seemed as if it had been a preconcerted signal for a + general muster, and it was quickly ascertained that fisty-cuffs were the + order of the day, by the vociferations of the spectators, and the loud + acclamations of "Go it, Poll—pitch it into her—mill her + snitcher—veil done, Sail—all pluck—game to the back-bone—peppermint + her upper-story, and grapple her knowledge-box—D———n + my eyes, but that vas a good one, it <span class="pagenum">[299]</span> + has altered her weather-cock and shifted her wind—There's your + dairies—stand out of the way—Upon my sole you have overturned + all my flounders—D———n you and your dabbs too." + </p> + <p> + Tom and Bob took up a favourable position for observation at the corner of + a fish-stall, where they could quietly witness the combatants, and take a + general survey of the proceedings. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said Tom, "here is a lark for you, a female fight." + </p> + <p> + "Fine salmon, or cod, Gentlemen," said an elderly woman—"I wish I + could tempt you to be customers." + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Bob, "they are at it in good earnest." + </p> + <p> + "O yes," said the woman, "we always have it in real earnest, no sham—I + wish Poll may sarve her out, for Sall is a d———d saucy b———h + at all times." + </p> + <p> + "And what have they quarrelled about?" inquired Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "Jealousy, Sir, nothing else; that there man in the night-cap, with the + red ruff round his neck, is Sail's fancy man, and he sometimes lets her + have a cargo of fish for services done and performed, you understand—and + so Sail she comes down this morning, and she finds Poll having a phililoo + with him, that's all; but I wish they would go and have it out somewhere + else, for it spoils all business—Nance, go and get us a quartern of + Jacky, that I may ax these Gentlemen to drink, for its a cold morning, and + perhaps they are not used to be up so early." + </p> + <p> + Tom saw the drift of this in a moment, and taking the hint, supplied the + needful to Nance, who was dispatched for the heart-cheering beverage, + which they could perceive was in high reputation by those around them. The + effluvia of the fish, the fumes of tobacco, and the reviving scent of the + gin-bottle, rendered their olfactory salutations truly delightful. Nor + could they escape the Fish-wife without becoming participators in the half + pint of blue ruin. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Tom, "we will now stroll a little further, and take a survey + of the street; but first we will give a look here. + </p> + <p> + "This," said he, "is the Custom House, a splendid building recently + erected, in consequence of the old one being demolished by fire in 1814." + <span class="pagenum">[300]</span> "It is, indeed," replied Bob, admiring + the south front, which is executed in Portland stone. + </p> + <p> + "Do you observe," continued Tom, "the central compartment, which comprises + what is called the Long Room, and which we will visit presently, is quite + plain, except the attic, which is elegantly ornamented?—that + alto-relievo contains allegorical representations of the arts and + sciences, as connected with and promoting the commerce and industry of the + nation—that to the west, a representation of the costume and + character of the various nations with whom we hold intercourse in our + commercial relations—in the centre, under the large massive + dial-plate, are inscribed in large bronze letters the names of the + founders and the date of its erection—the figures which support the + dial in a recumbent position are emblematical of industry and plenty—that + bold projection in the centre, gives a suitable character to the King's + warehouse, and forms an appropriate support to the imperial arms upheld by + the attributes of Ocean and Commerce." + </p> + <p> + Bob gazed with admiration and delight on this truly admirable and + extensive pile of national architecture; the gentle breeze from the river, + the occasional dash of the oar, and the activity which appeared on board + the different vessels; together with the view of London Bridge on one + side, over which he could perceive pedestrians and vehicles of various + kinds passing and repassing, and the Tower on the other, conspired to + heighten and give a most imposing effect to the scene. + </p> + <p> + "The designs," said Tallyho, "are truly creditable to the taste and + science of the architect." + </p> + <p> + "And this Quay in front, is intended to be enlarged by filling up a part + of the river; besides which, a new wall and quay are to be formed from the + Tower to Billingsgate, and numerous other improvements are projected in + the contiguous streets and lanes." "Not before it is necessary," was the + reply. "It would be impossible," continued Dashall, "to visit all the + apartments this building contains; we will however have a look at the Long + Room, and as we proceed I will endeavour to give you some further + information. We are now entering the East wing, which is a counterpart of + that on the West, having like this a grand stair-case with a double flight + of steps, which conduct to a lobby at each end of the long room, lighted + by <span class="pagenum">[301]</span> these vertical lantern-lights, the + ceilings being perforated in square compartments, and glazed. These + lobbies serve to check the great draughts of air which would otherwise + flow through the room if it opened directly from the stair-case." + </p> + <p> + They now entered the Long Room, the imposing appearance of which had its + due effect upon Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Bless me!" cried he in a state of ecstasy, "this is a room to boast of + indeed." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied his Cousin, "there is not such another room in Europe; it + is 190 feet long by 66 wide, and proportionably high, divided into three + compartments by these eight massive pillars, from which, as you perceive, + spring the three domes, which are so richly ornamented, and ventilated + through the centre of each." + </p> + <p> + "And all of stone?" inquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Not exactly so," was the reply; "the floor (excepting the situation of + the officers and clerks) is of stone, but the walls and ceilings are drawn + out and tinted in imitation." + </p> + <p> + "And what are these antique pedestals for, merely ornaments?" + </p> + <p> + Tom was pleased at this inquiry, and with a smile of satisfaction replied—"No, + these pedestals do double duty, and are something like what the rural + poet, Goldsmith, describes in his <i>Deserted Village</i>— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The chest contriv'd a double debt to pay, + A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day." +</pre> + <p> + These are ornamental during the summer, but useful in the winter; they + contain fire-places completely hid from view." + </p> + <p> + "Fire-places," re-echoed Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," continued his Cousin; "the smoke, descending, passes through the + piers on each side, and by their means a sufficient warmth is at all times + kept up in the room." + </p> + <p> + "That is a capital contrivance," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Then, to prevent the possibility of sustaining any serious injury from + fire, on the ground, one and two pair stories, the communication is cut + off by means of iron doors, which run on wheels in chase in the centre of + the walls, and are moved backward and forward by a windlass; which doors + are closed every evening, and would effectually prevent a communication + beyond their boundaries. Fire-proof rooms also, as repositories for + valuable books <span class="pagenum">[302]</span> and papers, are provided + on each floor, where the important documents of the establishment are + deposited every evening, and removed in trunks to the respective offices. + There are in all 121 rooms devoted to various offices. This however is the + principal: here the general business is transacted, particularly for all + foreign concerns, both inwards and outwards. The Ship Master first makes + the report of the cargo here; the entries of which, either for payment of + duties, warehousing, or subsequent exportation, are all passed with the + respective officers in this room. The business of the customs is managed + by nine Commissioners, whose jurisdiction extends over all parts of + England. We will now pass out at the west wing, adjourn to yon Tavern, + refresh and refit, and after which a further walk." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "What ho, Master B———," said Dashall, saluting the + Landlord as he entered the Tavern—"How does the world wag with you?—send + us some soda water—the newspaper—let somebody clean our boots—give + us pen, ink and paper, and prepare us some breakfast with all speed, but + no fish, mind that." + </p> + <p> + The Landlord bowed assent to his honourable customer; and by the time they + were ready, their orders were complied with. + </p> + <p> + "Pray," inquired Dashall of the obliging Landlord, who came in to ask if + they were supplied with all they wished for, "did you ever recover any + thing from that dashing Blade that so obligingly ordered his dinner here?" + </p> + <p> + "Never got a halfpenny—no no, he was not one of those sort of gentry—nor + do I ever wish to see such again in my house." + </p> + <p> + This was uttered in a tone of discontent, which evidently shewed he had no + relish for the conversation. + </p> + <p> + Dashall could not refrain from laughter; upon perceiving which, the + Landlord withdrew with a loud slam of the door, and left his customers to + enjoy their mirth. + </p> + <p> + "What are you laughing at?" cried Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Why," continued his Cousin, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "There was, as fame reports, in days of yore, + At least some fifty years ago, or more, + A pleasant wight on town——" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[303]</span> And there are many pleasant fellows now + to be met with; but you shall have the tale as I had it: This house has + been celebrated for furnishing excellent dinners, and the cookery of fish + in particular; consequently it has been the resort of the Bucks, the + Bloods, and the dashing Swells of the town, and I myself have been well + entertained here. It will therefore not be wondered at that its + accommodations should attract the notice of a Sharper whose name and + character were well known, but who was in person a total stranger to the + unsuspecting Landlord, whom however he did not fail to visit. + </p> + <p> + Calling one afternoon for the purpose of seeing how the land lay, in high + twig, and fashionably dressed, he was supplied with a bottle of sherry, + and requested the landlord to take a part with him—praised the wine, + talked of the celebrity of his house for fish, and gave an order for a + dinner for sixteen friends during the following week. The bait was + swallowed, + </p> + <p> + "For a little flattery is sometimes well." + </p> + <p> + 'But are your wines of the first quality? (inquired the visitor;) for good + eating, you know, deserves good drinking, and without that we shall be + like fishes out of water.'—' Oh, Sir, no man in London can supply + you better than myself (was the reply;) but, if you please, you shall + select which you may like best, my stock is extensive and good.' He was + consequently invited into the cellar, and tasted from several binns, + particularly marking what he chose to conceive the best. Upon returning to + the parlour again—' Bless me, (cried he) I have had my pocket pick'd + this morning, and lost my handkerchief—can you oblige me with the + loan of one for present use? and I will send it back by one of my + servants.' + </p> + <p> + 'Certainly, Sir,' was the reply; and the best pocket-handkerchief was + quickly produced, with another bottle of wine, the flavour of which he had + approved while below. He then wrote a letter, which he said must be + dispatched immediately by a Ticket-porter to Albemarle Street, where he + must wait for an answer. This being done, lie desired a coach to be called—asked + the Landlord if he had any silver he could accommodate him with, as he had + occasion to go a little further, but would soon return. This being + complied with, by the Landlord giving him twenty shillings with the + expectation of receiving a <span class="pagenum">[304]</span> pound note + in return, he threw himself into the coach, wished his accommodating Host + good afternoon, promised to return in less than an hour, but has never + shewn his face here since. Poor B———don't like to hear + the circumstance mentioned." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" said Tallyho, "somebody was green upon the occasion; I thought + people in London were more guarded, and not so easily to be done. And who + did he prove to be after all?" + </p> + <p> + "No other than the well-known Major Semple, whose depredations of this + sort upon the public rendered him so notorious." + </p> + <p> + Having finished their repast, Tom was for a move; and they took their way + along Thames Street in the direction for Tower Hill. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0004" id="link22HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "This life is all chequer'd with pleasures and woes + That chase one another like waves of the deep, + Each billow, as brightly or darkly it flows, + Reflecting our eyes as they sparkle or weep; + So closely our whims on our miseries tread, + That the laugh is awak'd ere the tear can be dried; + And as fast as the rain-drop of pity is shed, + The goose-plumage of folly can turn it aside; + But, pledge me the cup! if existence can cloy + With hearts ever light and heads ever wise, + Be ours the light grief that is sister to joy, + And the short brilliant folly that flashes and dies." +</pre> + <p> + "THE building before us," said Tom, "is the Tower of London, which was + formerly a palace inhabited by the various Sovereigns of this country till + the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Fitzstephens says, it was originally built + by Julius Cæsar; but I believe there is no proof of the truth of this + assertion, except that one of the towers is to this day called Cæsar's + Tower." + </p> + <p> + "It seems a place of great security," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Yes—William the Conqueror erected a fortress on part of its present + site, to overawe the inhabitants of London on his gaining possession of + the City, and about twelve years afterwards, in 1078, he erected a larger + building than the first, either on the site of the former or near it. This + building, repaired or rebuilt by succeeding Princes, is that which is now + called the White Tower." + </p> + <p> + "It appears altogether to be a very extensive building," said Tallyho; + "and what have we here? (turning his eyes to the left)—the modern + style of those form a curious contrast to that we are now viewing." + </p> + <p> + "That is called Trinity Square, and the beautiful edifice in the centre is + the Trinity House; it is a new building, of stone, having the advantage of + rising ground for its site, and of a fine area in the front." <span + class="pagenum">[306]</span> "The Trinity House," reiterated Bob, "some + ecclesiastical establishment, I presume, from its title?" + </p> + <p> + "There you are wrong," continued Dashall; "it is a Corporation, which was + founded in the year 1515 by Henry VIII. and consists of a Master, four + Wardens, eighteen Elder Brothers, in whom is vested the direction of the + Company, and an indefinite number of younger Brothers; for any sea-faring + man may be admitted into the Society by that name, but without any part of + the controul of its concerns. The elder Brethren are usually selected from + the most experienced commanders in the navy and the merchants' service, + with a few principal persons of his Majesty's Government." + </p> + <p> + "But what, in the name of wonder," inquired Bob, "have Sailors to do with + the Trinity?" + </p> + <p> + "As much as other persons," was the reply; "if it is the anchor of hope, + as we are taught, they have as great a right to rely upon it as any body + else—besides, the names given to houses and places in London have + nothing to do with their occupations or situations, any more than the + common language of life has to do with nature; else why have we a Waterloo + House in the vicinity of St. Giles's for the sale of threads, laces, and + tapes—a Fleet for the confinement of prisoners, or the King's Bench + devoted to the same purposes, unless it is, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "That when we have no chairs at home, + The King (God bless him) grants us then a bench." +</pre> + <p> + Though London contains a round of delights and conveniences scarcely to be + equalled, it is at the same time a combination of incongruities as + difficult to be conceived. The denomination of this House has therefore + nothing to do with the business to which it is devoted. The body which + transacts its concerns is called The Master, Wardens and Assistants, of + the Guild, or Fraternity of the most glorious and undivided Trinity, and + of St. Clement, in the parish of Deptford, Stroud, in the county of Kent." + </p> + <p> + "An admirable illustration of your assertion," replied Bob; "and pray may + I be allowed, without appearing romantic or unnecessarily inquisitive, to + ask what are the objects of the Institution?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly. The use of this Corporation is to superintend the general + interests of the British shipping, military and commercial. To this end, + the powers of the <span class="pagenum">[307]</span> Corporation are very + extensive; the principal of which are, to examine the children educated in + mathematics in Christ's Hospital—examine the masters of the King's + ships—appoint pilots for the Thames—erect light-houses and + sea-marks—grant licenses to poor seamen, not free of the City, to + row on the Thames—and superintend the deepening and cleansing of the + river; they have power to receive donations for charitable purposes, and + annually relieve great numbers of poor seamen and seamen's widows and + orphans; and as they alone supply outward-bound ships with ballast, on + notice of any shoal or obstruction arising in the river Thames, they + immediately direct their men and lighters to work on it till it is + removed. The profits arising to the Corporation by this useful regulation + is very considerable." + </p> + <p> + During this conversation they had continued to walk towards the Trinity + House, and were now close to it. + </p> + <p> + "Come," continued Dashall, "the interior is worth seeing: there are some + fine paintings in it, and the fitting up is altogether of an elegant + description." + </p> + <p> + Upon making application at the door, and the customary payment of a + shilling each, they were admitted. The appearance of the Hall, which is + grand, though light and elegant, particularly attracted the attention of + Tallyho. The double stair-case, which leads to the court-room, was an + object of peculiar delight. The beautiful model of the Royal William in + the Secretary's Office was much admired; but the Court-room was abundant + in gratification. Here they were ushered into a spacious + apartment,*particularly elegant, being unincumbered; the ceiling finished + in a superior style, and decorated with paintings of the late King and + Queen—James the Second—Lord Sandwich—Lord Howe, and Mr. + Pitt. Here Bob wandered from portrait to portrait, examining the features + and character of each, and admiring the skill and ability of the artists. + At the upper end of the room he was additionally pleased to find a large + painting containing a group of about twenty-four of the elder Brethren, + representing them at full length, attended by their Secretary, the late + Mr. Court. Many of the persons being well remembered by Dashall, were + pointed out by him to his Cousin, and brought to his recollection names + deservedly celebrated, though now no more. This picture was the gift of + the Merchant Brethren in 1794. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho was much delighted with his survey of this truly elegant building, + and the luminous account given by <span class="pagenum">[308]</span> his + Cousin of the various persons whose portraits met his eye, or whose names + and characters, connected with the establishment, had become celebrated + for scientific research or indefatigable industry. + </p> + <p> + "It will occupy too much time this morning," said Dashall, "to visit the + interior of the Tower, as I have dispatched a Ticket-porter to Piccadilly, + ordering my curricle to be at Tom's Coffee-house at one; we will therefore + defer that pleasure to the next opportunity of being this way. We will + however take a look at the Bank and the Exchange, then a trundle into the + fresh air for an hour, and return home to dinner; so come along, but we + will vary our walk by taking another road back." + </p> + <p> + With this intention, they now crossed Tower Hill, and turned to the left, + along the Minories. + </p> + <p> + "Here is a place," said Dashall, "well known, and no doubt you have often + heard of—Sparrow Corner and Rosemary Lane are better known by the + appellation of Rag Fair. It is a general mart for the sale of second-hand + clothes, and many a well-looking man in London is indebted to his + occasional rambles in this quarter for his appearance. The business of + this place is conducted with great regularity, and the dealers and + collectors of old clothes meet at a certain hour of the afternoon to make + sales and exchanges, so that it is managed almost upon the same plan as + the Royal Exchange, only that the dealers here come loaded with their + goods, which must undergo inspection before sales can be effected: while + the Merchant carries with him merely a sample, or directs his Purchaser to + the warehouse where his cargo is deposited. The principal inhabitants of + this place are Jews, and they obtain supplies from the numerous itinerant + collectors from all quarters of London and its suburbs, whom you must have + observed parading the streets from the earliest hour of the morning, + crying <i>Ould clothes—Clothes sale</i>." + </p> + <p> + "It surely can hardly be a trade worth following," said Talltho. + </p> + <p> + "There are many hundreds daily wandering the streets, however," replied + Tom, "in pursuit of cast-off apparel, rags, and metals of different sorts, + or at least pretend so. The Jews are altogether a set of traders. I do not + mean to confine my observations to them only, because there are persons of + other sects employed in the same kind of business; and perhaps a more + dangerous set of cheats could <span class="pagenum">[309]</span> scarcely + be pointed at, as their chief business really is to prowl about the houses + and stables of people of rank and fortune, in order to hold out + temptations to their servants, to pilfer and steal small articles not + likely to be missed, which these fellows are willing to purchase at about + one-third of their real value. It is supposed that upwards of 15,000 of + these depraved itinerants among the Jews are daily employed in journeys of + this kind; by which means, through the medium of base money and other + fraudulent dealings, many of them acquire property with which they open + shops, and then become receivers of stolen property; the losses thus + sustained by the public being almost incalculable— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "For wid coot gould rings of copper gilt—'tis so he gets his + bread, + Wit his sealing-vax of brick-dust, and his pencils without lead." +</pre> + <p> + It is estimated that there are from fifteen to twenty thousand Jews in the + Metropolis, and about five or six thousand more stationed in the great + provincial and seaport towns. In London they have six Synagogues, and in + the country places there are at least twenty more. Most of the lower + classes of those distinguished by name of German or Dutch Jews, live + principally by their wits, and establish a system of mischievous + intercourse all over the country, the better to enable them to carry on + then-fraudulent designs in every way. The pliability of their consciences + is truly wonderful— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "For they never stick at trifles, if there's monies in the way." +</pre> + <p> + Nay, I remember the time when they used to perambulate our streets openly, + professing to purchase base coin, by bawling—"Any bad shilling, any + bad shilling." The interference of the Police however has prevented the + calling, though perhaps it is impossible to prevent a continuance of the + practice any more than they can that of utterance. These men hesitate not + to purchase stolen property, or metals of various kinds, as well as other + articles pilfered from the Dock-yards, and stolen in the provincial towns, + which are brought to the Metropolis to elude detection, and vice versa; in + some cases there are contrivances that the buyer and seller shall not even + see each other, in order that no advantage may be taken by giving + information as to the parties." <span class="pagenum">[310]</span> "Upon + my life, the contrivances of London are almost incomprehensible," said + Bob, "and might deter many from venturing into it; but this surprises me + beyond any thing." + </p> + <p> + "It is however too lamentably true," continued Tom; "for these people, + educated in idleness from the earliest infancy, acquire every debauched + and vicious principle which can fit them for the most complicated arts of + fraud and deception, to which they seldom fail to add the crime of + perjury, whenever it can be useful to shield themselves or their friends + from the punishment of the law. Totally without moral education, and very + seldom trained to any trade or occupation by which they can earn an honest + livelihood by manual labour—their youths excluded from becoming + apprentices, and their females from engaging themselves generally as + servants, on account of the superstitious adherence to the mere ceremonial + of their persuasion, as it respects meat not killed by Jews—nothing + can exceed their melancholy condition, both as it regards themselves and + society. Thus excluded from the resources which other classes of the + community possess, they seem to have no alternative but to resort to those + tricks and devices which ingenuity suggests, to enable persons without an + honest means of subsistence to live in idleness. + </p> + <p> + "The richer Jews are in the practice of lending small sums to the poorer + classes of their community, in order that they may support themselves by a + species of petty traffic; but even this system contributes in no small + degree to the commission of crimes, since, in order to render it + productive to an extent equal to the wants of families who do not acquire + any material aid by manual labour, they are induced to resort to unlawful + means of increasing it, by which they become public nuisances. From the + orange-boy and the retailer of seals, razors, glass and other wares, in + the public streets, or the collector of + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Old rags, old jags, old bonnets, old bags," +</pre> + <p> + to the shop-keeper, dealer in wearing apparel, or in silver and gold, the + same principles of conduct too generally prevail. + </p> + <p> + "The itinerants utter base money, to enable them by selling cheap, to + dispose of their goods; while those who are stationary, with very few + exceptions, receive and purchase at an under price whatever is brought + them, <span class="pagenum">[311]</span> without asking questions; and yet + most of their concerns are managed with so much art, that we seldom hear + of a Jew being hanged; and it is also a fact, that during the holidays (of + which they have many in the course of a year,) or at one of their + weddings, you may see the barrow-woman of yesterday decked out in gay and + gaudy attire of an expensive nature." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had reached the top of the minories, and were turning + down Houndsditch. "We are now," said Dashall, "close to another place + chiefly inhabited by Jews, called Duke's Place, where they have a very + elegant Synagogue, which has been visited by Royalty, the present King + having, during his Regency, honoured them with a visit, through the + introduction of the late Mr. Goldsmid. If it should be a holiday, we will + be present at the religious ceremonies of the morning." With this they + entered Duke's Place, and were soon within the walls of this Temple of + Judaism. In taking a view of it, Bob was much gratified with its splendid + decorations, and without being acquainted with their forms, had <i>doffd + his castor</i>,{1} but was presently informed by his Cousin that he must + keep his hat on. The readers appeared to him to be singers; but the whole + of the service being Hebrew, it was of little consequence to him, whether + read or sung. He perceived, during the performances of these prayers, + which were every now and then joined in by almost every one present, that + many of the congregation appeared to be in close conversation, which, + however, was taken no notice of by the persons officiating. He was well + pleased with the singing of a youth and the accompaniment of a gentleman + in a cock'd hat; for although he could not discover that he actually + produced words, he produced sounds in many instances bearing a strong + similarity to those of a bassoon. The venerable appearance and devotion of + the High Priest, who was habited in a robe of white, also attracted his + attention; while the frequent bursts of the congregation, joining in the + exercises of the morning, in some instances almost provoked his + risibility. + </p> + <p> + "The religious ceremonies of these people," said Tom, as they left the + synagogue, "though somewhat imposing as to form and appearance, do not + seem to be strongly interesting, for many of them are engaged during the + whole of the service in some species of traffic; buying and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Doff'd his castor—Taken off his hat. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[312]</span> selling, or estimating the value of + goods for sale. They are such determined merchants and dealers, that they + cannot forget business even in the house of prayer. We have two sets of + them. This is the Dutch Synagogue; but the most ancient is that of the + Portuguese, having been established in England ever since the Usurpation. + The members of it being mostly wealthy, are extremely attentive to their + poor, among whom there is said not to be a single beggar or itinerant; + while the Dutch or German. Jews get no education at all: even the most + affluent of them are said to be generally unable either to read or write + the language of the country that gave them birth. They confine themselves + to a bastard or vulgar Hebrew, which has little analogy to the original. + They observe the particular ritual of the German Synagogue, and also + include the Polish, Russian, and Turkish Jews established in London. With + the exception of a few wealthy individuals, and as many families who are + in trade on the Royal Exchange, they are in general a very indigent class + of people. Their community being too poor to afford them adequate relief, + they have resorted to the expedient of lending them small sums of money at + interest, to trade upon, which is required to be repaid monthly or weekly, + as the case may be, otherwise they forfeit all claim to this aid. + </p> + <p> + "The Portuguese Jews are generally opulent and respectable, and hold no + community with the others. They use a different liturgy, and their + language is even different. They never intermarry with the Jews of the + Dutch Synagogue. They pride themselves on their ancestry, and give their + children the best education which can be obtained where they reside. The + Brokers upon the Exchange, of the Jewish persuasion, are all or chiefly of + the Portuguese Synagogue. Their number is limited to twelve by Act of + Parliament, and they pay 1000 guineas each for this privilege." + </p> + <p> + They had now reached the end of Houndsditch, when, passing through + Bishopsgate Church Yard and Broad Street, they were soon at the Bank. + </p> + <p> + "This building," said Dashall, "covers an extent of several acres of + ground, and is completely isolated." + </p> + <p> + "Its exterior," replied Bob, "is not unsuited to the nature of the + establishment, as it certainly conveys an idea of strength and security." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[315]</span> "That's true," continued Tom; "but you + may observe a want of uniformity of design and proportion, arising from + its having been erected piece-meal, at different periods, and according to + different plans, by several architects. This is the principal entrance; + and opposite to it is the shortest street in the Metropolis, called Bank + Street; it contains but one house. Now we will take a survey of the + interior." + </p> + <p> + They entered the Hall, where Tallyho was much pleased to be instructed as + to the methodical way they have of examining notes for a re-issuing or + exchanging into coin. + </p> + <p> + "Here," said Dashall, "are the Drawing-offices for public and private + accounts. This room is seventy-nine feet long by forty; and, at the + further end, you observe a very fine piece of sculpture: that is a marble + Statue of King William III. the founder of the Bank. Thi national + establishment was first incorporated by act of Parliament in 1694. The + projector of the scheme was a Mr. James Paterson, a native of Scotland; + and the direction of its concerns is vested in a Governor, + Deputy-Governor, and twenty-four Directors, elected annually at a general + Court of the Proprietors. Thirteen of the Directors, with the Governor, + form a Court for the transaction of business. The Bank is open every day + from nine in the morning till five in the afternoon, holidays excepted. It + is like a little town. The Clerks at present are about 1000 in number, but + a reduction is intended. The Rotunda is the most interesting apartment—we + will go and have a look at the Money-dealers. + </p> + <p> + "Here," continued he, as they entered the Rotunda, and mingled among the + various persons and sounds that are so well known in that seat of traffic, + "from the hours of eleven to three a crowd of eager Money-dealers + assemble, and avidity of gain displays itself in ever-varying shapes, at + times truly ludicrous to the disinterested observer. You will presently + perceive that the justling and crowding of the Jobbers to catch a bargain, + frequently exceed in disorder the scrambling at the doors of our theatres + for an early admission: and sa loud and clamorous at times are the mingled + noises of the buyers and sellers, that all distinction of sound is lost in + a general uproar." + </p> + <p> + Of this description, Tallyho had an absolute proof in <span class="pagenum">[314]</span> + a few minutes, for the mingling variety of voices appeared to leave no + space in time for distinguishing either the sense or the sound of the + individual speakers; though it was evident that, notwithstanding the + continual hubbub, there was a perfect understanding effected between + parties for the sale and transfer of Stock, according to the stipulations + bargained for. + </p> + <p> + "Ha, Mr. M———," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "how do you + do?" + </p> + <p> + "Happy to say well, Sir, thank you," was the reply. "Any commands?—markets + are pretty brisk this morning, and we are all alive." + </p> + <p> + "Pray," said Tallyho, "who is that extraordinary looking Lady with such + red lips and cheeks, beneath the garb of sadness?" + </p> + <p> + "A constant visitor here," replied Mr. M. "I may say a day scarcely passes + without her being present." + </p> + <p> + "She has a curious appearance," said Bob; "her dress is all black from + head to foot, and yet her cheeks disclose the ruddy glow of uninterrupted + health. Is it that her looks belie her garb, or that her garb belies her + looks?" + </p> + <p> + "Hush," said Mr. M. "let her pass, and I will give you some information + relative to her, which, if it does not gratify you, will at least satisfy + some of your inquiries. I am half inclined to believe that all is not + right in the seat of government with her, (pointing his finger to his + head;) and she is therefore rather deserving of pity than an object of + censure or ridicule; though I have reason to believe she frequently meets + with attacks of the latter, when in search of the sympathy and benefit to + be derived from a proper exercise of the former. Her name is Miss W———. + Her father was formerly a two-penny postman, who resided at Rockingham + Row, Walworth, and was himself somewhat eccentric in his dress and + manners, and it was not at all unusual to meet him in the morning in the + garb of his office, though decidedly against his inclination, and to see + him on 'Change during 'Change hours, in silk stockings, and in every other + way dressed as a Merchant, attending there according to custom and + practice; and he managed, by some means or other, to keep up a character + of respectability, and to give an accomplished education to the younger + branches of this family; so that this lady, though unfortunate in her + present circumstances, has been well brought up, and <span class="pagenum">[315]</span> + mingled in polished society; and, if you were to enter into conversation + with her now, you would find her intelligent in the selection of her words + and the combination of sentences, to explain to you the most improbable + events, and the most unheard of claims that she has upon all the + Governments in the known world. This, however, would be done with good + temper, unless any thing like an insulting observation should be + conceived, or intended to be conveyed." + </p> + <p> + "And, pray, what is supposed to be the cause of her present manners and + appearance?" inquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "It is principally attributed," replied Mr M. "to the circumstance of + losing a beloved brother, who she now continually declares is only kept + from her by the persons who daily visit the Rotunda, with a view to + prevent the recovery of the property she lays claim to, and the + particulars of which she generally carries in her pocket. That brother + however suffered the penalty of the law for a forgery;{1} but this she + cannot be induced to believe. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The lamentable effusion of blood which has taken place + within the last twenty years, in consequence of forgeries on + the Bank of England, has already excited a very considerable + portion of public interest and indignation; and it is much + to be feared that notwithstanding the very serious expence + the Corporation have incurred, with a view to remedy the + evil, by rendering the imitation more difficult, the + anticipated result is not likely to be obtained. It will + hardly be conceived that the Governors have expended as much + as one hundred thousand pounds in this laudable undertaking, + and, upon producing an impression, we are told it can be + imitated by one, who, within three weeks produced a fac- + simile, and puzzled the makers of the original note to + discover which was the work-manship of their own hands. Nay, + even an engraver on wood is said to have produced an + excellent imitation in a few hours. It is however sincerely + to be hoped that an effectual stop will be eventually put to + the possibility of committing this crime, which, we + apprehend, nine times out of ten brings the poor, needy, + half-starved retailer of paper to the gallows, while the + more un-principled wholesale dealer escapes detection. + + While on the subject of forged notes, we cannot help + deprecating the circulation of what are termed <i>flash + notes</i>, which, if not originally intended to deceive and + defraud, are calculated to accomplish these objects, when in + the hands of the artful and designing. We think there is a + tradesman in the vicinity of the Bank who presents such of + his customers as visits his repository to have their hair + cut, &c. with a Hash note, purporting to be for 501.; and we + have also reason to believe that more than one attempt has + been detected, where the parties have really endeavoured to + pass them as valid Bank of England paper. The danger + therefore must be evident. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[316]</span> We have reason to think she is + frequently much straitened for want of the necessary supplies for + sustenance, and she has temporary relief occasionally from those who knew + her family and her former circumstances in life, while she boldly + perseveres in the pursuit of fancied property, and the restoration of her + brother. + </p> + <p> + "I have heard her make heavy complaints of the difficulties she has had to + encounter, and the privations she has been subjected to; but her own + language will best speak the impressions on her mind. Here is a printed + letter which was circulated by her some time ago:— + </p> + <p> + To the worthy Inhabitants of the Parish of St. Mary, Newington, Surrey. + </p> + <p> + It is with feelings of deep regret I have to deplore the necessity that + compels me to adopt a public measure, for the purpose of obtaining my + property from those gentlemen that hold it in trust. For a period of ten + years I have endured the most cruel and unjustifiable persecution, which + has occasioned the premature death of my mother; a considerable loss of + property; all my personal effects of apparel and valuables; has exposed me + to the most wanton and barbarous attacks, the greatest insults, and the + severe and continual deprivation of every common necessary. Having made + every appeal for my right, or even a maintenance, without effect, I now + take the liberty of adopting the advice of some opulent friends in the + parish, and solicit general favour in a loan by subscription for a given + time, not doubting the liberal commiseration of many ladies and gentlemen, + towards so great a sufferer. As it is not possible to describe the wrongs + I have endured, the misery that has been heaped upon me, in so limited a + space, I shall be happy to give every explanation upon calling for the + result of this entreaty and to those ladies and gentlemen that condescend + to favour + </p> + <p> + S. WHITEHEAD + </p> + <p> + With their presence, at + </p> + <p> + The White Hart Inn, Borough. + </p> + <p> + Besides Bills to an immense amount, accepted by the Dey of Algiers, and + payable by his Grand Plenipotentiary. + </p> + <p> + Various sums in the English and Irish Funds, in the names of various + Trustees: in the 3 per cent. Consols—3 per cent. 1726—3 per + cent. South Sea Annuities—3 per cent. Old South Sea Annuities—4 + per cent. 3 per cent. 5 per cent. Long Annuities. + </p> + <p> + Besides various Freehold, Copyhold, and Leasehold Estates, Reversions and + Annuities, of incalculable value. + </p> + <p> + One of the Freehold Estates is that known by the name of Ireland's Row, + and the Brewhouse adjacent, Mile End; the Muswell Hill Estate; a large + House in Russell Square, tenanted at present by Mr. B——-dd!!! + </p> + <p> + "For the truth of this statement, or the real existence of any property + belonging to her, I am not able to vouch. She is well known in all the + offices of this great Establishment, is generally peaceable in her + conduct, and communicative in her conversation, which at times + distinguishes her as a person of good education." + </p> + <p> + "Hard is the fortune which your Sex attends, Women, like princes, find few + real friends; All who approach them their own ends pursue, Lovers and + ministers are seldom true. Hence oft from reason heedless beauty strays, + And the most trusted guide the most betrays." + </p> + <p> + The conversation was here interrupted by the arrival of a Gentleman, who, + taking Mr. M. on one side, Tom and Bob wished him a good morning. They + proceeded to <span class="pagenum">[318]</span> view the various offices + which branch out from the Rotunda, and which are appropriated to the + management of each particular stock, in each of which Bob could not help + admiring the happy disposition of every department to facilitate business. + The arrangement of the books, and the clerks, under the several letters of + the alphabet, he conceived was truly excellent. + </p> + <p> + "The Corporation of the Bank," said Dashall, "are prohibited from trading + in any sort of goods or merchandize whatsoever; but are to confine the use + of their capital to discounting Bills of Exchange, and to the buying and + selling of gold and silver bullion; with a permission however to sell such + goods as are mortgaged or pawned to them and not redeemed within three + months after the expiration of the time for their redemption. Their + profits arise from their traffic in bullion; the discounting of Bills of + Exchange for Bankers, Merchants, Factors, and Speculators; and the + remuneration they receive from Government, for managing the public funds, + and for receiving the subscriptions on loans and lotteries. But we may + ramble about in these places for a month, and still have novelty in store; + and there is a little world underneath the greater part of this extensive + building devoted to printing-offices, ware-rooms, &c." + </p> + <p> + They had now reached the door which leads into Bartholomew Lane, and, upon + descending the steps, and turning to the left, Bob's eyes soon discovered + the Auction Mart, "What have we here?" inquired he. + </p> + <p> + "That," replied his Cousin, "is a building which may deservedly be rank'd + as one of the ornaments of the City; and its arrangements and economy, as + well as the beauty of its interior, are well deserving the notice of every + stranger. This fine establishment, which serves as a focus for the sale of + estates and other property by public auction, is both useful and + ornamental; it was built about the time when the spirit of combination was + so strong in London. You must know, some years back, every kind of + business and trade appeared likely to be carried on by Joint Stock + Companies, and the profits divided upon small shares. Many Fire-offices + have to date their origin from this source—the Hope, the Eagle, the + Atlas, and others. The Golden Lane Brewery was opened upon this principle; + some Water Companies were established; till neighbourhood <span + class="pagenum">[319]</span> and partnership almost became synonimous; + and, I believe, among many other institutions of that kind, the Building + before us is one. It contains many handsome rooms and commodious offices; + but, as for offices, every street and every alley abounds with them, and, + now-a-days, if you want to hire a Cook or a Scullion, you have nothing to + do but to send a letter to a Register-office, and you are suited in a + twinkling. It was an excellent idea, and I remember the old Buck who used + to call himself the founder of establishments of that nature, or rather + the first introducer of them to the notice of Englishmen, poor old + Courtois." + </p> + <p> + John Courtois is said to have been a native of Picardy, where he was born + about the year 1737 or 1738. He repaired to this country while yet young, + in the character of <i>valet de chambre</i> to a gentleman who had picked + him up in his travels; and, as he came from one of the poorest of the + French provinces, he "took root," and throve wonderfully on his + transplantation to a richer soil. + </p> + <p> + On the death of his master, he removed to the neighbourhood of the Strand; + and St. Martin's Street,. Leicester Square, became the scene of his + industry and success. At a time when wigs were worn by boys, and a + Frenchman was supposed the only person capable of making one fit "for the + grande monarque," he commenced business as a perruquier, and soon acquired + both wealth and celebrity. To this he joined another employment, which + proved equally lucrative and appropriate, as it subjected both masters and + servants to his influence. This was the keeping of a register-office, one + of the first known in the Metropolis, whence he drew incalculable + advantages. He is also said to have been a dealer in hair, which he + imported largely from the continent. And yet,, after all, it is difficult + to conceive how he could have realized a fortune exceeding 200,000L.! But + what may not be achieved by a man who despised no gains, however small, + and in his own expressive language, considered farthings as "the seeds of + guineas!" + </p> + <p> + The following appears to be a true description of this very extraordinary + man, whom we ourselves have seen more than once:—"Old Courtois was + well known for more than half a century in the purlieus of St. Martin's + and the Haymarket. His appearance was meagre and squalid, and his clothes, + such as they were, were <span class="pagenum">[320]</span> pertinaciously + got up in exactly the same cut and fashion, and the colour always either + fawn or marone. For the last thirty years, the venerable chapeau was + uniformly of the same cock. The principal feat, however, in which this + fervent votary of Plutus appeared before the public, was his nearly fatal + affair with Mary Benson, otherwise Mrs. Maria Theresa Phepoe. In April + 1795, this ill-fated-woman projected a rather bungling scheme, in order to + frighten her old acquaintance and visitor, Courtois, out of a considerable + sum of money. One evening, when she was certain of his calling, she had + her apartment prepared for his reception in a species of funereal style—a + bier, a black velvet pall, black wax candles lighted, &c. No sooner + had the friend entered the room, than the lady, assisted by her maid, + pounced on him, forced him into an arm chair, in which he was forcibly + held down by the woman, while the hostess, brandishing a case-knife or + razor, swore with some violent imprecations, that instant should be his + last, if he did not give her an order on his "banker for a large sum of + money. The venerable visitor, alarmed at the gloomy preparations and dire + threats of the desperate female, asked for pen, ink, and paper; which + being immediately produced, he wrote a check on his banker for two + thousand pounds. He immediately retired with precipitation, happy to + escape without personal injury. The next morning, before its opening, he + attended at the Banker's, with some Police-officers; and on Mrs. Phepoe's + making her appearance with the check, she was arrested, and subsequently + tried at the Old Bailey, on a capital charge, grounded on the above + proceedings. However, through the able defence made by her counsel (the + late Mr. Fielding) who took a legal objection to the case as proved, and + contended that she never had or obtained any property of Mr. Courtois, on + the principle that possession constituted the first badge of ownership, + she was only sentenced to twelve months' imprisonment." + </p> + <p> + "Some years since, the late Lord Gage met Courtois, at the court-room of + the East India House, on an election business. "Ah, Courtois!" said his + Lordship, "what brings you here?"—'To give my votes, my Lord,' was + the answer.—"What! are you a proprietor?—'Most certainly.'—"And + of more votes than one?"—'Yes, my <span class="pagenum">[321]</span> + Lord, I have four!'—"Aye, indeed! why then, before you take the + book, pray be kind enough to pin up my curls!" With which modest request + the proprietor of four votes, equal to ten thousand pounds, immediately + complied! + </p> + <p> + "M. Courtois married a few years since, and has left several children. On + reflecting that his widow's thirds would amount to an immense sum, with + his usual prudence he made a handsome settlement on her during his + lifetime. As his sons were not of very economical habits, he has + bequeathed them small annuities only; and vested the bulk of his fortune + in trustees on behalf of his daughters, who are infants. + </p> + <p> + "Until his death, he invariably adhered to the costume of the age in which + he was born. A three-cocked hat, and a plum-coloured coat, both rather the + worse for wear, in which we have seen him frequently, invariably + designated his person and habits; while a penurious economy, that bid + defiance to all vulgar imitation, accompanied him to his grave. His death + occurred in 1819, in the 80th or 81st year of his age." + </p> + <p> + "Such characters," observed Tallyho, "notwithstanding their eccentricity, + afford useful lessons to those who, in this giddy and dissipated age, + devote a part of their time to thinking." + </p> + <p> + "No doubt of it," replied Dashall; "they furnish examples of what may be + done by perseverance and determination, and almost seem to verify the + assertion, that every one may become rich if he pleases. But come, we must + move towards Tom's Coffee House, in our way to which we will pass through + the Royal Exchange, which lies directly before us. It was originally a + brick building, erected by Sir Thomas Gresham in the year 1567, but being + destroyed by the fire of London in 1666, the present building of Portland + stone was raised in its place, the first stone of which was laid by + Charles II. in 1667; in consequence of which his statue has been placed in + the centre of its quadrangle, around which the Merchants assemble daily to + transact their commercial business.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The merry Monarch was fond of the Citizens, and frequently + honoured the Lord Mayor's table with his presence. It is + said of him, that, on retiring to his carriage one day after + dining with the civic Sovereign, he was followed by the + latter, who, with a freedom inspired by the roseate Deity, + laid hold of His Majesty by the arm, and insisted that he + should not go until he had drunk t'other bottle. The Monarch + turned round, and good-humouredly repeating a line from an + old song—"The man that is drunk is as great as a king," + went back to the company, and doubtless complied with the + Lord Mayor's request. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[322]</span> "It has two principal fronts, one in + Cornhill, and the other, which you now see, is at the end of Threadneedle + Street; each of which has a piazza, affording a convenient shelter from + the sun and rain. It is open as a thoroughfare from eight in the morning + till six in the evening; but the hours in which business is chiefly + transacted, are from two to five. Its extent is 203 feet by 171." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had passed the gate, and Bob found himself in a handsome + area with a fine piazza carried entirely round, and furnished with seats + along the four walks, for Merchants of different nations, who meet, each + at their different stations, and was immediately attracted by the + appearance of the numerous specimens of art with which it was adorned. + </p> + <p> + "Do you observe," said his Cousin, "within these piazzas are twenty-eight + niches; all vacant but that in which is placed a statue of Sir Thomas + Gresham, in the north-west angle; and that in the south-west, which + presents a statue of Sir John Barnard, Magistrate of the City, and one of + its Representatives in Parliament. Those smaller statues in the niches of + the wall of the Quadrangle, in the upper story, are the Kings and Queens + of England, beginning with Edward I. on the North side, and ending with + his late Majesty on the East. As far as Charles I. they were executed by + Gabriel Cibber. The various frames which are placed around under the + piazza, contain the names, residences and occupations of Tradesmen, + Mechanics and others. The grand front in Cornhill has been under repair + lately, and in its appearance, no doubt, is greatly improved. The steeple + which is just raised, is a handsome dome, surmounted by the original + grasshopper, rendered somewhat celebrated by a prophecy, that certain + alterations would take place in men, manners, and times, when the + grasshopper on the top of the Exchange should meet the dragon at the top + of Bow Church; and strange and extraordinary as it may appear, this very + circumstance is said to have taken place, as they have both been seen in + the warehouse of some manufacturer, to whom <span class="pagenum">[323]</span> + they were consigned for repair; in addition to which, if Crockery's{1} + relation of the transmogrifications of England is to be believed, the + prophecy is in a considerable degree a whimsical and laughable Burletta, + in one act, has recently been produced at the Royal Coburg Theatre, in + which Mr. Sloman sings, with admirable comicality, the following Song, + alluded to by the Hon. Tom Dashall, to the tune of O, The Roast Beef of + Old England. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "From Hingy I came with my Master, O dear, + But Lunnun is not like the same place, that's clear; + It has nigh broke my heart since I have been here! + O, the old times of Old England, + O dear, the good English old times. + + The town is so changed, that I don't know a spot; + The times are so hard, there's no vork to be got; + And for porter they charges you tip-pence a pot! + O, the old times, &c. + + Then the sides of the houses are stuck full of bills + About Blacking, Mock-Auctions, and vonderful Fills; + But for von vot they cures, a hundred they kills! + O, the old times, &c. + + There's the names are all halter'd verewer I goes, + And the people all laughs at the cut of my close; + The men are turn'd vomen, the belles are turn'd beaux! + O, the old times, &c. + + Ven I vent out to Hingy, if any von died, + A good vooden coffin they used to prowide, + But hiron vons now keeps the poor vorms houtside! + O, the old times, &c. + + There's the Lancaster schools now all over the land, + Vot teaches the children to scribble on sand— + And a hugly Bonassus vot lives in the Strand! + O, the new times, &c. + + There's a new Life-preserver, vith vich you cant drown; + And a new kind of Sov'reigns just com'd into town, + Von is vorth a pound note, and the other a crown! + O, the new times, &c. + + The Play-bills have hard vords, vot I cannot speak; + And the horgans plays nothing but Latin and Greek; + And it's rain'd every day now for more than a veek! + O, the new times, &c. + + There's a man valks on vater and don't vet his feet; + And a patent steam-kitchen, vot cooks all your meat; + And Epp's ham and beef shop in every street! + O, the new times, &c. + + I valks up and down vith the tears in my hye; + Vot they vonce call'd a vaggon is now call'd a fly; + And the boys points their fingers, and calls I—a"Guy! + O, the old times of Old England, + O dear, the good English old times." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[324]</span>There is a stair-case in each front, and + one on each side, which lead to a gallery above, running round the whole + building, containing the offices of various establishments; but I believe, + in the original plan, shops were intended to fill the building to the top. + At present, the upper rooms are occupied by Lloyd's celebrated + Subscription Coffee-house, for the use of Under-writers and Merchants—by + the Royal Exchange Insurance Company, and various offices of individuals. + There are also the Gresham Lecture—Rooms, where lectures are read + pursuant to the will of the late Sir Thomas Gresham, who bequeathed to the + City of London and the Mercers' Company, all the profits arising from + these and other premises in Cornhill, in trust to pay salaries to four + lecturers in divinity, astronomy, music, and geometry; and three readers + in civil law, physic, and rhetoric, who read lectures daily in term time. + </p> + <p> + "This we may consider the grand mart of the universe! where congregate + those sons of Commerce the British Merchants, who, in dauntless extent of + enterprise, hold such distinguished pre-eminence!" + </p> + <p> + Tallyho viewed the scene before him with an inquisitive eye, and was + evidently wrapped in surprise at the "busy hum of men," all actuated by + one universal object, the acquisition of wealth. The spacious area + exhibited a mass of mercantile speculators, numerously grouped, in + conversation; under the piazzas appeared a moving multitude in like manner + engaged, while the surrounding seats were in similar occupation; Dashall + and Bob, of the many hundreds of individuals present, were perhaps the + only two led to the place by curiosity alone. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho, who, on every occasion of "doubtful dilemma," looked to his + cousin Dashall for extrication, expressed his surprise at the appearance + of a squalid figure, whose lank form, patched habiliments, and unshorn + beard, indicated <span class="pagenum">[325]</span>extreme penury; in + familiar converse with a gentleman fashionably attired, and of demeanour + to infer unquestionable respectability. + </p> + <p> + "Interest," said Tallyho, "supersedes every other consideration, else + these two opposites would not meet." + </p> + <p> + "Your observation is just," replied his cousin; "the tatterdemallion to + whom you allude, is probably less impoverished than penurious; perhaps of + miserly habits, and in other respects disqualified for polite society. + What then, he is doubtless in ample possession of the essential requisite; + and here a monied man only is a good man, and without money no man can be + respectable."{1} + </p> + <p> + Here the continued and deafening noise of a hand-bell, rung by one of the + Exchange-keepers underlings, perched on the balcony over the southern + gate, interrupted Mr. Dashall's remarks; it was the signal for locking up + the gates, and inferring at the same time obedience to the summons with + due promptitude and submission, on pain of being detained two hours "in + duresse vile." + </p> + <p> + Sufficient alacrity of egression not having been shown, the Keepers closed + the two gates, and at the same time locked the east and western avenues; + thus interdicting from egress above three hundred contumacious + individuals, including the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin. + </p> + <p> + A considerable time having now elapsed without any prospect of + enlargement, dissatisfaction gained ground apace, and shortly ripened into + actual mutiny. The disaffected now proceeded to hold a council of war, and + after a few moments deliberation, it was resolved unanimously to storm the + avenues! Dashall and + </p> + <p> + 1 Some years ago, a gentleman of extensive property, residing in the + country, was desirous of raising, by way of loan on the security of landed + estates, the sum of 30,000L. His Solicitor in London, with whom he had + corresponded on the subject, summoned him at last to town; a lender was + found, who was to meet the Solicitor at a certain time and place + appointed, in the neighbourhood of the Exchange. The borrower, on the day + and near the hour fixed upon, was in the area of the Royal Exchange, when + there crossed over a wretched looking being, the very personification of + misery. The gentleman, unsolicited, gave the poor object a shilling. On + going to the appointed rendezvous, how great was his astonishment to find + in the person of the wealthy monied man the identical receiver of his + bounty!—"Ha, ha," cried he, "you shall not fare the worse for your + generosity!" and actually advanced the money on terms much easier than + expected. This personage was the celebrated Daniel Dancer. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[326]</span> Tallyho declined taking any part in the + enterprise; they took a right view of the affair; they were mere casual + visitants, not likely ever again to suffer a similar restraint, while the + others were in the daily practice of transacting business on the spot: to + them therefore the frequent recurrence of the present disaster might + happen—theirs then was the cause, as being most particularly + interested. + </p> + <p> + An attack was made by the prisoners upon the portals opening into Bank + Buildings and Sweeting's Kents; but the former having been shattered + sometime since on a similar occasion, and subsequently very strongly + repaired, it was found impregnable, at least to any immediate exertion of + force, and being neither furnished with a park of artillery, nor with the + battering ram of the ancients, the little army faced to the right about, + enfiladed the area, and took up a new position, in due order of assault, + against the door of the avenue leading into Sweeting's Rents. The affair + was decided, and without bloodshed; the bars soon bent before the vigour + of the assailants; one of these was taken into custody by a Beadle, but + rescued, and the attack recommenced with success; when the opposite door + was also opened by the Shop-keeper living in that avenue, and the Exchange + was finally cleared at four minutes past five o'clock, after above an + hour's detention, including the time occupied in storming the avenues. + </p> + <p> + The triumph of liberty was now complete; the intrepid phalanx disbanded + itself; and our Heroes having made the farewell conge to their victorious + compeers, proceeded into Cornhill, where, Dashall espying his curricle at + the door of Tom's Coffee House, they, after refreshing themselves, took a + cheerful country drive over London Bridge, Clapham Common, Wandsworth, + &c. from which they returned at six o'clock to dinner, determined to + have a night's rest before they proceeded in search of further adventures.<span + class="pagenum">[327]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0005" id="link22HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Happy the man, who void of cares and strife, + In silken or in leathern purse retains + A SPLENDID shilling! he nor hears with pain + New oysters cried, nor sighs for cheerful ale; + + But I, whom griping penury surrounds, + And hunger, sure attendant upon want, + With scanty offal and small acid tiff, + Wretched repast, my meagre corse sustain! + Or solitary walk, or dose at home + In garret vile!" +</pre> + <p> + TALKING over, at the breakfast-table, the occurrences of the preceding day—"On + my conscience!" exclaimed Tallyho, "were the antediluvian age restored, + and we daily perambulated the streets of this immense Metropolis during a + hundred years to come, I firmly believe that every hour would bring a + fresh accession of incident." + </p> + <p> + "Ad infinitum," answered Dashall; "where happiness is the goal in view, + and fifteen hundred thousand competitors start for the prize, the + manouvres of all in pursuit of the grand ultimatum must ever exhibit an + interesting and boundless variety. London, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ". . . the needy villain's general home, + The common sewer of Paris and of Rome!" +</pre> + <p> + where ingenious vice too frequently triumphs over talented worth—where + folly riots in the glare of luxury, and merit pines in indigent obscurity.—Allons + donc!—another ramble, and chance may probably illustrate my + observation." + </p> + <p> + "Take notice," said the discriminating Dashall to his friend, as they + reached the Mall in St. James's Park, "of that solitary knight of the + woeful countenance; his thread-bare raiment and dejected aspect, denote + disappointment and privation;—ten imperial sovereigns to a plebeian + <span class="pagenum">[328]</span> shilling, he is either a retired + veteran or a distressed poet." + </p> + <p> + The object of curiosity, who had now seated himself, appeared to have + attained the age of fifty, or more—a bat that had once been black—a + scant-skirted blue coat, much the worse for wear—a striped waistcoat—his + lank legs and thighs wrapt in a pair of something resembling trowsers, but + "a world too wide for his shrunk shanks"—short gaiters—shoes + in the last stage of consumption—whiskers of full dimensions—his + head encumbered with an unadjusted redundancy-of grey hair: such were the + habiliments and figure of this son of adversity! + </p> + <p> + The two friends now seated themselves on the same bench with the stranger, + who, absorbed in reflection, observed not their approach. + </p> + <p> + The silence of the triumvirate was broken in upon by Tom, who, with his + usual suavity of manners, politely addressed himself to the unknown, on + the common topic of weather, <i>et cetera</i>, without eliciting in reply + more than an assenting or dissenting monosyllable, "You have seen some + service, Sir?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes." + </p> + <p> + "In the army, I presume?" + </p> + <p> + "No." + </p> + <p> + "Under Government?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes." + </p> + <p> + "In the navy, probably?" + </p> + <p> + "No." + </p> + <p> + "I beg your pardon," continued Dashall—"my motives originate not in + idle inquisitiveness; if I can be of any service———" + </p> + <p> + The stranger turned towards him an eye of inquiry. "I ask not from + impertinent curiosity," resumed Dashall, "neither would I wish + indelicately to obtrude an offer of assistance, perhaps equally + unnecessary as unacceptable; yet there are certain mutabilities of life + wherein sympathy may be allowed to participate." + </p> + <p> + "Sir," said the other, with an immediate grateful expansion of mind, and + freedom of communication—"I am inexpressibly indebted for the honour + of your solicitude, and feel no hesitation in acknowledging that I am a + literary writer; but so seldom employed, and, when employed, so + inadequately requited, that to me the necessaries of life are frequently + inaccessible." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[329]</span> Here Tallyho interrupted the narrator + by asking—whence it was that he had adopted a profession so irksome, + precarious, and unproductive? + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +"Necessity," was the reply. "During a period of eight years, I performed +the duties as senior Clerk of an office under Government; four years +ago the establishment was broken up, without any provision made for its +subordinate dependents; and thus I became one of the twenty thousand +distressed beings in London, who rise from bed in the morning, unknowing +where to repose at night, and are indebted to chance for a lodging or a +dinner!"{1} 1 The following calculation, which is curious in all its + parts, cannot fail to interest the reader:— + + The aggregate Population on the surface of the known + habitable Globe is estimated at 1000,000,000 souls. If + therefore we reckon with the Ancients, that a generation + lasts 30 years, then in that space 1000,000,000 human beings + will be born and die; consequently, 91,314 must be dropping + into eternity every day, 3800 every hour, or about 63 every + minute, and more than one every second. Of these + 1000,000,000 souls, 656,000,000 are supposed to be Pagans, + 160,000,000 Mahomedans, 9,000,000 Jews, only 175,000,000 are + called Christians, and of these only 50,000,000 are + Protestants. + + There are in London 502 places of Worship—one Cathedral, + one Abbey, 114 Churches, 132 Chapels and Chapels of Ease, + 220 Meet-ings and Chapels for Dissenters, 43 Chapels for + Foreigners, and 6 Synagogues for Jews. About 4050 public and + private Schools, including Inns of Courts, Colleges, &c. + About 8 Societies for Morals; 10 Societies for Learning and + Arts; 112 Asylums for Sick and Lame; 13 Dispensaries, and + 704 Friendly Societies. Charity distributed £800,000 per + annum. + + There are about 2500 persons committed for trial in one + year: The annual depredations amount to about £2,100,000. + There are 19 Prisons, and 5204 Alehouses within the bills of + Mortality. The amount of Coin counterfeited is £200,000 per + annum. Forgeries on the Bank of England in the year + £150,000. About 3000 Receivers of Stolen Goods. About 10,000 + Servants at all times out of place. Above 20,000 miserable + individuals rise every morning without knowing how or by + what means they are to be supported during the passing day, + or where, in many instances, they are to lodge on the + succeeding night. + + London consumes annually 112,000 bullocks; 800,000 sheep and + lambs; 212,000 calves; 210,000 hogs; 60,000 sucking pigs; + 7,000,000 gallons of milk, the produce of 9000 cows; 10,000 + acres of ground cultivated for vegetables; 4000 acres for + fruit; 75,000 quarters of wheat; 700,000 chaldrons of coals; + 1,200,500 barrels of ale and porter; 12,146,782 gallons of + spirituous liquors and compounds; 35,500 tons of wine; + 17,000,000 pounds of butter, 22,100,000 pounds of cheese; + 14,500 boat loads of cod. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[330]</span> "May I ask," said Mr. Dashall, "from + what species of literary composition you chiefly derive your subsistence?" + </p> + <p> + "From puffing—writing rhyming advertisements for certain speculative + and successful candidates for public favour, in various avocations; for + instance, eulogizing the resplendent brilliancy of Jet or Japan Blacking—the + wonderful effects of Tyrian-Dye and Macassar Oil in producing a luxuriant + growth and changing the colour of the hair, transforming the thinly + scattered and hoary fragments of age to the redundant and auburn tresses + of youth—shewing forth that the "Riding Master to his late Majesty + upwards of thirty years, and Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, + sets competition at defiance, and that all who dare presume to rival the + late Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, are vile unskilful + pretenders, ci-devant stable-boys, and totally undeserving the notice of + an enlightened and discerning public! In fact, Sir, I am reduced to this + occasional humiliating employment, derogatory certainly to the dignity of + literature, as averting the approach of famine. I write, for various + adventurers, poetical panegyric, and illustrate each subject by + incontrovertible facts, with appropriate incident and interesting + anecdote." + </p> + <p> + "And these facts," observed Bob Tallyho, "respectably authenticated?" + </p> + <p> + "By no means," answered the Poet; "nor is it necessary, nobody takes the + trouble of inquiry, and all is left to the discretion of the writer and + the fertility of his invention." + </p> + <p> + "On the same theme, does not there exist," asked Dashall, "a difficulty in + giving it the appearance of variety?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly; and that difficulty would seem quite insurmountable when I + assure you, that I have written for a certain Blacking Manufacturer above + two hundred different productions on the subject of his unparalleled Jet, + each containing fresh incident, and very probably fresh incident must yet + be found for two hundred productions more! But the misfortune is, that + every thing is left to my invention, and the remuneration is of a very + trifling nature for such mental labour: besides, it has frequently + happened that the toil has proved unavailing—the production is + rejected—the anticipated half-crown remains in the accumulating + coffers of the Blacking-manufacturer, and the Author returns, pennyless + and despondingly, to his attic, where, if fortune at last befriends him, + he probably may breakfast dine and sup, tria juncta in uno, at a late hour + in the evening!" <span class="pagenum">[331]</span> "And," exclaimed the + feeling Dashall, "this is real Life in London!" + </p> + <p> + "With me actually so," answered the Poet. + </p> + <p> + The Blacking-maker's Laureat now offered to the perusal of his + sympathising friends the following specimen of his ability in this mode of + composition:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + PUG IN ARMOUR; + OR, + THE GARRISON ALARMED. + + "Whoe'er on the rock of Gibraltar has been, + A frequent assemblage of monkeys has seen + Assailing each stranger with volleys of stones, + As if pre-determin'd to fracture his bones! + + A Monkey one day took his turn as a scout, + And gazing his secret position about, + A boot caught his eye, near the spot that was plac'd, + By w * * * *n's jet; Blacking transcendently grac'd; + And, viewing his shade in its brilliant reflection, + He cautiously ventured on closer inspection. + + The gloss on its surface return'd grin for grin, + Thence seeking his new-found acquaintance within, + He pok'd in the boot his inquisitive snout, + Head and shoulders so far, that he could not get out; + And thus he seem'd cas'd—from his head to his tail, + In suit of high-burnish'd impregnable mail! + + Erect on two legs then, with retrograde motion, + It stalk'd; on the Sentry impressing a notion + That this hostile figure, of non-descript form, + The fortress might take by manoeuvre or storm! + + Now fixing his piece, in wild terror he bawls— + "A legion of devils are scaling the walls!" + The guards sallied forth 'mid portentous alarms, + Signal-guns were discharged, and the drums beat to arms; + And Governor then, and whole garrison, ran + To meet the dread foe in this minikin man! + + "A man—'tis a monkey!" Mirth loudly exclaim'd, + And peace o'er the garrison then was proclaim'd; + And Pug was released, the strange incident backing + The merits, so various, of W* * * *n's Jet Blacking." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[332]</span> This trifle, well enough for the + purpose, was honoured with approbation. + </p> + <p> + The two friends, unwilling to offend the delicacy of the Poet by a + premature pecuniary compliment at this early stage of acquaintance, took + his address and departed, professing an intention of calling upon him at + his lodgings in the evening. + </p> + <p> + "I would not, were I a bricklayer's labourer," exclaimed Bob, "exchange + situations with this unfortunate literary hack—this poor devil of + mental toil and precarious result, who depends for scanty subsistence on + the caprice of his more fortunate inferiors, whose minds, unexpanded by + liberal feeling, and absorbed in the love of self, and the sordid + consideration of interest, are callous to the impression of benevolence!—But + let us hope that few such cases of genius in adversity occur, even in this + widely extended and varied scene of human vicissitude." + </p> + <p> + "That hope," replied his Cousin, "is founded on + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The baseless fabric of a vision!" +</pre> + <p> + There are, at this moment, thousands in London of literary merit, of whom + we may truly say, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Chill penury repress their noble rage, + And freeze the genial current of the soul!" +</pre> + <p> + Men unsustained by the hand of friendship, who pine in unheeded obscurity, + suffering the daily privations of life's indispensable requisites, or + obtaining a scanty pittance at the will of opulent ignorance, and under + the humiliating contumely, as we have just been informed, even of Blacking + Manufacturers! + </p> + <p> + "But here is a man, who, during a period of eight years, held a public + situation, the duties of which he performed satisfactorily to the last; + and yet, on the abolition of the establishment, while the Principal + retires in the full enjoyment of his ample salary, this senior Clerk and + his fellows in calamity are cast adrift upon the world, to live or starve, + and in the dearth of employment suitable to their habits and education, + the unfortunate outcasts are left to perish, perhaps by the hand of famine + in the streets, or that of despondency in a garret; or, what is worse than + either, consigned to linger out their remaining wretched <span + class="pagenum">[333]</span> days under the "cold reluctant charity" of a + parish workhouse.{1} + </p> + <p> + "When the principal of a Public-office has battened for many years on his + liberal salary, and the sole duties required of him have been those of + occasionally signing a few official papers, why not discontinue his salary + on the abolition of the establishment, and partition it out in pensions to + those disbanded Clerks by whose indefatigable exertions the business of + the public has been satisfactorily conducted? These allowances, however + inadequate to the purpose of substantiating all the comforts, might yet + realise the necessaries of life, and, at least, would avert the dread of + absolute destitution." + </p> + <p> + A pause ensued—Dashall continued in silent rumination—a few + moments brought our Heroes to the Horse Guards; and as the acquirement + "devoutly to be wished" was a general knowledge of metropolitan manners, + they proceeded to the observance of Real Life in a Suttling House. + </p> + <p> + Child's Suttling House at the Horse Guards is the almost exclusive resort + of military men, who, availing themselves of the intervals between duty, + drop in to enjoy a pipe and pint. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "To fight their battles o'er again, + Thrice to conquer all their foes, + And thrice to slay the slain." +</pre> + <p> + In the entrance on the left is a small apartment, bearing the dignified + inscription, in legible characters on the door, of "The Non-Commissioned + Officers' Room." In front of the bar is a larger space, boxed off, and + appropriated to the use of the more humble heroical aspirants, the private + men; and passing through the bar, looking into Whitehall, is the <i>Sanctum + Sanctorum</i>, for the reception of the more exalted rank, the + golden-laced, three-striped, subordinate commandants, Serjeant-Majors and + Serjeants, with the colour-clothed regimental appendants of Paymasters and + Adjutants' Clerks, <i>et cetera</i>. Into this latter apartment our + accomplished friends were ushered with becoming + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 "Swells then thy feeling heart, and streams thine eye + O'er the deserted being, poor and old, + + Whom cold reluctant parish-charity + Consigns to mingle with his kindred mold." + —Charlotte Smith. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[334]</span> respect to their superior appearance, + at the moment when a warm debate was carrying on as to the respective + merits of the deceased Napoleon and the hero of Waterloo. + </p> + <p> + The advocate of the former seemed unconnected with the army: the adherent + to the latter appeared in the gaudy array of a Colour-Serjeant of the Foot + Guards, and was decorated with a Waterloo medal, conspicuously suspended + by a blue ribbon to the upper button of his jacket; and of this honourable + badge the possessor seemed not less vain than if he had been adorned with + the insignia of the most noble order of the Garter. + </p> + <p> + "I contend, and I defy the universe to prove the contrary," exclaimed the + pertinacious Serjeant in a tone of authoritative assertion, "that the Duke + of Wellington is a greater man than ever did, does, or hereafter may + exist!" + </p> + <p> + "By no means," answered the Civilian. "I admit, so far as a thorough + knowledge of military tactics, and a brilliant career of victory + constitutes greatness, his grace of Wellington to be a great hero, but + certainly not the greatest 'inan that ever did, does, or hereafter may + exist!" "Is there a greater man? Did there ever exist a greater?—when + and where?" the Serjeant impatiently demanded. + </p> + <p> + "Buonaparte was a greater," answered the opposing disputant; "because to + military renown unparalleled in the annals of ancient or modern history, + he added the most consummate knowledge of government; and although his + actions might frequently partake of arbitrary sway, (and who is the human + being exempted from human frailty) yet he certainly created and sustained, + in her most elevated zenith, the splendour of France, till crushed by the + union of nations in arms; and if power is the criterion of greatness, who + was, is, or ever can be greater than the man, who, emerging from + obscurity, raised himself solely by his mental energies to the highest + elevation of human glory; and who, this Island excepted, commanded the + destinies of all Europe! The most determined of his enemies will not deny, + calmly and duly appreciating his merits, that he possessed unrivalled + talent; and this fact the hero, whose cause you so vehemently espouse, + would, I have no doubt, be the foremost in acknowledging." + </p> + <p> + In deficiency of argument, the Serjeant resorted to invective; the + vociferous disputation reached the next <span class="pagenum">[335]</span> + room, and was taken up by the rank and file in a manner not less + tumultuous; when an honest native of the "Emerald Isle" good-humouredly + terminated the war of words, calling for half a quartern of gin, with + which to qualify a pint of Whitbread's entire. + </p> + <p> + "To the immortal memory of St. Patrick, and long life to him!" exclaimed + Patrick O'Shaughnessy. "If there did not exist but them two selves, bad + luck to the spalpeen who will say that the Duke and my Lord Londondery + would not be the greatest men in the universe!" + </p> + <p> + This sally led to a cessation of hostilities, which might have been + followed by a definitive treaty of peace, but the dæmon of discord again + made its appearance in the tangible shape of a diminutive personage, who, + hitherto silently occupying a snug out-of-the-way corner by the fireplace, + had escaped observation. + </p> + <p> + Dashall and his Cousin emerging from the Sanctum Sanctorum, where their + presence seemed to have operated as a check on the freedom of discussion, + had just seated themselves in the room allotted to the private soldiers, + when, in a broad northern accent, the aforesaid taciturn gentleman, + selecting the two strangers, who, of all the company, seemed alone worthy + the honour of his notice, thus addressed them: + </p> + <p> + "I crave your pardon, Sirs—but I guess frae your manner that ye are + no unacquainted wi' the movements o' high life—do you ken how lang + the King means to prolong his abode amang our neebors owre the water, his + hair-brain'd Irish subjects, whase notions o' loyalty hae excited sae mony + preposterously antic exhibitions by that volatile race O' people?" + </p> + <p> + "I am not in possession," answered Dashall, "of any information on the + subject." + </p> + <p> + "By the manes of the Priest," exclaimed Mr. O'Shaughnessy, "but the King + (God bless him) has visited the land of green Erin, accompanied by the + spirit of harmony, and praties without the sauce of butter-milk be his + portion, who does not give them both a hearty welcome!—Arrah, what + mane you by a preposterous exhibition? By hecky, the warm hearts of the + sons and daughters of St. Patrick have exhibited an unsophisticated + feeling of loyalty, very opposite indeed to the chilling indifference, not + to say worse of it, of those his subjects at home; and as Sir William, the + big Baronet of the City, said in the House <span class="pagenum">[336]</span> + that gives laws to the land, Why should not his Majesty be cheered up a + little?" + </p> + <p> + This effusion of loyalty was well received, and Dashall and his Cousin + cordially united in the general expression of approbation. + </p> + <p> + "This is a' vera weel," said the Northern; "but an overstrained civility + wears ay the semblance o' suspicion, and fulsome adulation canna be vera + acceptable to the mind o' delicate feeling: for instance, there is my ain + country, and a mair ancient or a mair loyal to its legitimate Sovereign + there disna exist on the face o' the whole earth; wad the King condescend + to honor wi' his presence the palace o' Holyrod House, he wad experience + as ardent a manifestation o' fidelity to his person and government in Auld + Reekie as that shown him in Dublin, though aiblins no quite sae + tumultuous; forbye, it wadna hae been amiss to hae gaen the preference to + a nation whare his ancestors held sway during sae mony centuries, and + whare, in the castle of Edinburgh, is still preserved the sacred regalia, + with which it migh no hae been unapropos to hae graced his royal head and + hand amidst the gratifying pageantry o' a Scotch coronation. Sure I am + that North Britain has never been honored publicly wi' a royal visit.—Whether + ony branch o' the present reigning family hae been there incognita they + best ken themselves." + </p> + <p> + "You seem to have forgot," observed Tallyho, "the visit of the Duke of + Cumberland to Scotland in the year 1745." + </p> + <p> + "Begging your pardon for setting you right in that particular," answered + the cynic, with a most significant expression of countenance, "that, Sir, + was not a visit, but a visitation!" + </p> + <p> + "Appropriate enough," whispered Dashall to Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Augh, boderation to nice distinctions!" exclaimed O'Shaughnessy; "here, + Mister Suttler be after tipping over anoder half quartern of the cratur, + wid which to drink success to the royal visitant." + </p> + <p> + "And that the company may participate in the gratifying expression of + attachment to their Sovereign, Landlord," said Dashall, "let the glass go + round." + </p> + <p> + "Testifying our regard for the Sovereign," resumed the Northern, "it canna + be understood that we include a' the underlings o' Government. We ought, + as in duty bound, to venerate and obey the maister o' the house; bat it is + <span class="pagenum">[337]</span> by no means necessary that we should + pay a similar respect to his ox and his ass, his man-servant and his + maid-servant. May be, had he been at hame on a late occasion o' melancholy + solemnity, blood wadna hae been spilt, and mickle dool and sorrow wad hae + been avoided." + </p> + <p> + "We perfectly understand your allusion," said one from the group of + Life-guardsmen: "Of us now present there were none implicated in the + unfortunate occurrences either of that day or a subsequent one: yet we + must not silently hear our comrades traduced—perhaps then it may be + as well to drop the subject." + </p> + <p> + "I canna think o' relinquishing a topic 0' discourse," answered the + Northern, "replete wi' mickle interest, merely at your suggestion; it may + be ye did your duty in obeying the commands, on that lamentable occasion, + O' your superior officers, and it is to be hoped that the duty O' the + country, towards those with whom originated the mischief, will not be + forgotten; there is already on record against the honour 0' your corps a + vera serious verdick." + </p> + <p> + Here the Life-guardsmen spontaneously started up; but the immediate + interposition of Dashall averted me impending storm; while Tallyho, + imitating the generosity of his Cousin, ordered the circulation once more + of the bottle, to Unanimity betwixt the military and the people. Harmony + thus restored, the two friends took their leave, amidst the grateful + acknowledgments of the company, O'Shaughnessy swearing on their departure, + that doubtless the two strangers were begot in Ireland, although they + might have come over to England to be born! While the pertinacious + Northern observed, that appearances were aften deceitful, although, to be + sure, the twa friends had vera mickle the manners 0' perfectly well-bred + gentlemen, and seem'd, forbye, to hae a proper sense o' national honor. + </p> + <p> + Proceeding into Whitehall, Tallyho much admired the statue-like figures of + the mounted sentries in the recesses by the gate of the Horse-guards; the + relief had just approached; the precision of retirement of the one party, + and advance to its post of the other: the interesting appearance of the + appropriately caparisoned and steady demeanour of the horses, and their + instinctive knowledge of military duty, excited deservedly prolonged + attention, + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[338]</span> "One would think," said Tallyho, "that + these noble animals are really actuated by reasoning faculties." + </p> + <p> + "Hereafter," replied Dashall, "you will still more incline to this + opinion, when we have an opportunity of being present on a cavalry + field-day in Hyde Park, where manoeuvre will appear to have attained its + acme of perfection, as much from the wonderful docility of the horse as + the discipline of the rider."{l} + </p> + <p> + "But hold, who have we here?—Our friend Sparkle, gazing about him + with an eye of inquisitive incertitude, as if in search of lost property." + </p> + <p> + As his two friends approached, he seemed bewildered in the labyrinth of + conjecture.—"I have lost my horse!" he exclaimed, in answer to the + inquiry of Dashall. "Having occasion to stop half an hour at Drummond's, I + gave the animal in charge of an Israelite urchin, and now neither are to + be seen." + </p> + <p> + Casting a look down the street, they at last discerned the Jew lad, + quickly, yet carefully leading the horse along, with two boys mounted on + its back. Thoroughly instructed in the maxim—Get money, honestly if + you can, but get it by any means! young Moses had made the most of the + present opportunity, by letting out the horse, at a penny a ride, from + Charing Cross to the Horse Guards; this, by his own confession, was the + fifteenth trip! Sparkle, highly exasperated, was about to apply the + discipline of the whip to the shoulders of the thrifty speculator, when + Tallyho, interceding in his behalf, he was released, with a suitable + admonition. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Not long since some cavalry horses, deemed "unfit for + further service," were sold at Tattersal's. Of one of these + a Miller happened to be the purchaser. Subservient now to + the ignoble purposes of burthen, the horse one day was + led,'with a sack of flour on his back, to the next market- + town; there while the Miller entered a house for a few + moments, and the animal quietly waited at the door, a + squadron of dragoons drew up in an adjacent street, forming + by sound of trumpet; the instant that the Miller's horse + heard the well-known signal, it started off with as much + celerity as its burthen admitted, and, to the great + amusement of the troop, and astonishment of the spectators, + took its station in the ranks, dressing in line, with the + accustomed precision of an experienced veteran in the + service; and it was with considerable difficulty that the + Miller, who had now hastened to the spot, could induce the + animal to relinquish its military ardour, to which it still + appeared to cling with renewed and fond pertinacity! +</pre> + <p> + Sparkle, mounting his recovered charger, left his <span class="pagenum">[339]</span> + pedestrian friends for the present, to continue their excursion; who, + proceeding up St. Martin's Lane, and admiring that noble edifice, the + Church, reached, without other remarkable occurrence, the quietude of + Leicester Square. + </p> + <p> + Close by is Barker's Panorama, an object of attraction too prominent to be + passed without inspection. They now entered, and Tallyho stood mute with + delight at the astonishing effect of the perspective; while, as if by the + powers of enchantment, he seemed to have been transported into other + regions. Amidst scenes of rich sublimity, in the centre of a vast + amphitheatre, bounded only by the distant horizon, far remote from the + noisy bustle of the Metropolis, he gave full scope to his imagination; and + after an hour of pleasing reverie, left the fascinating delusion with + evident reluctance. + </p> + <p> + Emerging once more into the gay world, the two associates, in search of + Real Life in London, proceeded through Covent Garden Market, where fruit, + flowers, and exotics in profusion, invite alike the eye and the appetite. + </p> + <p> + Onwards they reached the classic ground of Drury, "Where Catherine Street + descends into the Strand." + </p> + <p> + "I never," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "pass this spot without a feeling of + veneration—the scenes of "olden times" rise on my view, and the + shades of Garrick, and our late loss, and not less illustrious Sheridan, + flit before me! This was then, as now, the seat of Cyprian indulgence—the + magnet of sensual attraction, where feminine youth and beauty in their + most fascinating and voluptuous forms were let out by the unprincipled + procuress, and the shrines of Venus and Apollo invited the votaries of + each to nocturnal sacrifice.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The avenue to the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre was, in the + time of Garrick, through Vinegar Yard. In this passage an + old spider, better known, perhaps, by the name of a + Procuress, had spread her web, alias, opened a Bagnio, and + obtained a plentiful living by preying on those who + unfortunately or imprudently fell into her clutches. Those + who are not unacquainted with haddocks, will understand the + loose fish alluded to, who beset her doors, and accosted + with smiles or insults every one that passed. It happened + that a noble Lord, in his way to the theatre, with his two + daughters under his arm, was most grossly attacked by this + band of "flaming ministers." He immediately went behind the + scenes, and insisted on seeing Mr. Garrick, to whom he + represented his case, and so roused the vengeance of the + little Manager, that he instantly, full of wrath, betook + himself to this unholy Sybil:— + + "Twin-child of Cacus; Vulcan was their sire, Full offspring + both of healthless fume and fire!" +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Finding her at the mouth of her cavern, he quickly gave veut + to his rage in the most buskin'd strain, and concluded by + swearing that he would have her ousted. To this assault she + was not backward in reply, but soon convinced him that she + was much more powerful in abusive language than our Roscius, + though he had recourse in his speech to Milton's "hell-born + bitch," and other phrases of similar celebrity, whilst she + entirely depended on her own natural resources. Those to + whom this oratory is not new, have no need of our reporting + any of it; and those to whom it is a perfect mystery, boast + a "state the more gracious," and are the more happy in their + ignorance. None of this rhapsody, however, although teeming + with blasphemy and abuse, had any effect on Garrick, and he + would have remained unmoved had she not terminated in the + following manner, which so excited the laughter of the + collected mob, and disconcerted "the soul of Richard," + that, without another word to say, he hastily took shelter + in the theatre. Putting her arms akimbo, and letting down + each side of her mouth with wonderful expression of + contempt, she exclaimed—"You whipper snapper! you oust me! + You be d——-d! My house is as good as your's—aye, and + better too. I can come into your's whenever I like, and + see the best that you can do for a shilling; but d——-me if + you, or any body else, shall come into mine for less than a + fifteen-penny negus." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[340]</span> "This street and neighbourhood was wont + to exhibit, nightly, a melancholy proof of early infamy. Here might be + seen a prolonged succession of juvenile voluptuaries, females, many of + them under fourteen years of age, offering themselves to indiscriminate + prostitution, in a state verging on absolute nudity, alluring the + passengers, by every seductive wile, to the haunts of depravity, from + which retreat was seldom effected without pecuniary exaction, and + frequently accompanied by personal violence. The nuisance has been partly + abated, but entirely to remove it would be a task of more difficult + accomplishment than that of cleansing the Augean stable, and would baffle + all the labours of Hercules!" + </p> + <p> + "This fact," observed Tallyho, "throws an indelible stain on metropolitan + police." + </p> + <p> + "Not so," answered his companion, "scarce a day passes without groups of + these unfortunates being held before a magistrate, and humanely disposed + of in various ways, with the view of preventing a recurrence to vicious + habits,—but in vain;—the stain is more attributed to the + depraved nature of man, who first seduces, and then casts off <span + class="pagenum">[341]</span> to infamy and indigence the unhappy victim of + credulity. Many of these wretched girls would, in all probability, gladly + have abstained from the career of vice, if, on their first fall, they had + experienced the consoling protection of parents or friends;—but, + shut out from home,—exiled from humanity,—divested of + character, and without resources,—no choice is left, other than + mendicity or prostitution!"{1} + </p> + <p> + The sombre reflections occasioned by these remarks gradually gave way to + those of a more enlivening hue, as the two friends proceeded along the + Strand. The various display, at the tradesmen's shop windows, of useful + and ornamental articles,—the continued bustle of the street,—the + throng of passengers of every description, hurrying on in the activity of + business, or more leisurely lounging their way under the impulse of + curiosity,—the endless succession of new faces, and frequent + occurrence of interesting incident;—these united in forming an + inexhaustible fund of amusement and admiration. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 "Hatton Garden.—On Saturday, no less than fifteen + unfortunate girls, all elegantly attired, were placed at the + bar, charged by Cadby, the street-keeper on the Foundling + Estate, with loitering about the neighbourhood for their + nocturnal purposes. The constable stated, that repeated + complaints had been made to him by many of the inhabitants, + of the disgraceful practice of vast numbers of frail ones, + who resort every night to Brunswick Square. He had been + therefore instructed to endeavour to suppress the nuisance. + About twelve o'clock on Friday night, while perambulating + the district, he found the fifteen prisoners at the bar in + Brunswick Square, at their usual pursuits, and all of them + were in the act of picking up gentlemen. He procured + assistance, and they were taken into custody, and conveyed + to the watch-house. + + None of the prisoners could deny the charge, but expressed + great contrition at being under the painful necessity of + procuring their subsistence in so disgraceful a manner. They + were examined individually, by the magistrates, as to the + origin that brought them to disgrace. Some, from their + admission, were farmers' daughters, and had been decoyed + from their relatives, and brought to London, and + subsequently deserted by their seducers. Some were nursery- + maids—others, girls seduced from boarding schools. Their + tales were truly distressing—some had only been six months + in such infamy, others twelve months, and some two years and + upwards. + + The worthy magistrate, with much feeling, admonished them on + the evil course they were following, and pointed out the + means still left for them to return to the paths of virtue; + and on their severally promising never to appear again in + that quarter, they were discharged." +</pre> + <p> + Passing through Temple Bar, "Once more," said <span class="pagenum">[342]</span> + Dashall, "we enter the dominions of another Sovereign,—the Monarch + of the City,—than whom there is none more tenacious of the rights + and immunities of his subjects. Professing a strictly civil government, + and consequent hostility to military interference, it does not always + happen that the regal sway of the East harmonizes with that of the West, + and the limited reign of the former is generally most popular when most in + opposition to that of the latter. Several important events have occurred + wherein a late patriotic Right Honourable Chief Magistrate has had the + opportunity of manifesting a zealous, firm, and determined attachment to + the privileges of the community: the good wishes of his fellow-citizens + have accompanied his retirement, and his private and public worth will be + long held in deserved estimation." + </p> + <p> + Turning up the Old Bailey, and passing, with no pleasing sensations, that + structure in front of which so many human beings expiate their offences + with their lives, without, in any degree, the frequency of the dreadful + example lessening the perpetration of crime,—"The crowd thickens," + exclaimed the 'Squire; and advancing into Smithfield, a new scene opened + on the view of the astonished Tallyho. An immense and motley crowd was + wedged together in the open space of the market, which was surrounded by + booths and shows of every description, while the pavement was rendered + nearly impassable by a congregated multitude, attracted by the long line + of stalls, exhibiting, in ample redundancy, the gorgeously gilt array of + ginger-bread monarchs, savory spice-nuts, toys for children and those of + elder growth, and the numerous other <i>et cetera</i> of Bartholomew Fair, + which at that moment the Lord Mayor of London, with accustomed state and + formality, was in the act of proclaiming. + </p> + <p> + A more dissonant uproar now astounded the ears of Bob than ever issued + from the hounds at falt in the field or at variance in the kennel! The + prolonged stunning and vociferous acclamation of the mob, accompanied by + the deeply sonorous clangor of the gong—the shrill blast of the + trumpet—the hoarse-resounding voices of the mountebanks, straining + their lungs to the pitch of extremity, through speaking tubes—the + screams of women and children, and the universal combination of discord, + announced the termination of the Civic Sovereign's performance in the + drama; "the revelry now had began," <span class="pagenum">[343]</span> and + all was obstreperous uproar, and "confusion worse confounded." + </p> + <p> + In the vortex of the vast assemblage, the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin + were more closely hemmed in than they probably would have been at the rout + of female distinction, where inconvenience is the order of the night, and + pressure, to the dread of suffocation, the criterion of rank and fashion. + Borne on the confluent tide, retreat was impracticable; alternately then, + stationary and advancing with the multitude, as it urged its slow and + undulating progress; or paused at the attractions of Wombwell and + Gillman's rival menageries—the equestrian shows of Clark and Astley—the + theatres of Richardson and Gyngell, graced by the promenade of the <i>dramatis + personæ</i> and lure of female nudity—the young giantess—the + dwarfs—and the accomplished lady, who, born without arms, cuts out + watch-papers with her toes, and takes your likeness with her teeth!—Amidst + these and numerous other seductive impediments to their progress, our + pedestrians, resisting alike temptation and invitation, penetrated the + mass of spectators, and gained an egress at Long Lane, uninjured in + person, and undamaged in property, "save and except" the loss, by Bob, of + a shoe, and the rent frock of his honourable Cousin. To repair the one and + replace the other was now the predominant consideration. By fortunate + proximity to a descendant of St. Crispin, the latter object was speedily + effected; but the difficulty of finding, in that neighbourhood, a knight + of the thimble, appearing insurmountable, the two friends pursued their + course, Dashall drawing under his arm the shattered skirts of his garment, + until they reached Playhouse Yard, in Upper Whitecross Street, St. Luke's, + to which they had been previously directed, the epitome of Monmouth + Street, chiefly inhabited by tailors and old clothes retailers, where + purchase and repair are equally available. + </p> + <p> + Entering a shop occupied by an intelligent Scotch tailor, who, with his + son, was busily employed in making up black cloth and kerseymere + waistcoats, his spouse, a native of Edinburgh, with a smile of complacency + and avidity of utterance that strongly indicated a view to the main + chance, put her usual inquiry: + </p> + <p> + "What is your wull, Gentlemen—what wad you please to want?" + </p> + <p> + "My good lady," answered Dashall, "we would be <span class="pagenum">[344]</span> + glad to accept the services of your husband," exhibiting at same time the + rent skirts of his frock. "This accident was sustained in passing, or + rather in being squeezed through the Fair; my friend too, experienced a + trifling loss; but, as it has been replaced, I believe that he does not + require present amendment." + </p> + <p> + The materials destined to form the black waistcoats were then put aside, + while the northern adept in the exercise of the needle proceeded to + operate on the fractured garment; and a coat being supplied, <i>ad interim</i>, + Tom and his friend accepted the "hospitable invitation of the guid wife, + and seated themselves with unhesitating sociability. + </p> + <p> + "And sae ye hae been to the Fair, gentlemen?" "We have, madam," said + Dashall, "and unintentionally so; we were not, until on the spot, aware of + any such exhibition, and got within its vortex just as the Lord Mayor had + licensed, by proclamation, the commencement of this annual scene of + idleness, riot and dissipation!" + </p> + <p> + "Hoot awa, Sir, ye wadna wish to deprive us o' our amusements; poor folks + dinna often enjoy pleasure, and why should na they hae a wee bit o' it now + and then, as weel as the rich?" + </p> + <p> + "I know not, my good lady," exclaimed Bon, "that I can altogether + assimilate with your's my ideas of pleasure; if it consists in being + pressed nearly to death by a promiscuous rabble, in attempts on your + pocket, shoes trod off your feet by the formidable iron-cased soles of a + drayman's ponderous sandals, to say nothing of the pleasing effect thus + produced upon your toes, and in having the coat torn off from your back, I + would freely resign to the admirers of such pleasure the full benefit of + its enjoyment." + </p> + <p> + "Accidents wull happen ony where and in ony situation," replied the + garrulous wife; "ye may be thankfu', gentlemen, that its nae waur,—and, + for the matter o' the rent frock, my guid man wull repair it in sic a way + that the disaster wull no be seen, and the coat wull look as weel as + ever." + </p> + <p> + The promise was verified; the reparation was made with equal neatness and + celerity; something beyond the required remuneration was given; and + Dashall inquiring if the worthy dame of <i>Auld Reekie</i> would take a + drop of cordial, the friendly offer was accepted, and the glass of <span + class="pagenum">[345]</span> good fellowship having been drank, and + civilities interchanged, the strangers departed. + </p> + <p> + They were now in Whitecross Street, where sojourned their acquaintance of + the morning, the distressed Poet; and, from the accuracy of description, + had no difficulty in ascertaining his place of residence. + </p> + <p> + It was in a public-house; a convenient lodging for the forlorn being, who, + exiled from friendship, and unconnected by any ties of consanguinity, can + dress his scanty meal by a gratuitous fire, and where casual generosity + may sometimes supply him with a draught of Hanbury's exhilarating + beverage. + </p> + <p> + At the bar, directly facing the street door, the strangers, on inquiring + for the Poet by name, were directed by the landlord, with a sarcastical + expression of countenance, to "the first floor <i>down the chimney</i>!" + while the Hostess, whose demeanour perfectly accorded with that of the + well-manner'd gentlewoman, politely interfered, and, shewing the parlour, + sent a domestic to acquaint her lodger that he was wanted below stairs. + </p> + <p> + The summons was instantaneously obeyed; but as the parlour precluded the + opportunity of private conversation, being partly occupied by clamorous + butchers, with whom this street abounds to redundancy, the Poet had no + other alternative than that of inviting the respectable visitants to his + attic, or, as the Landlord facetiously named the lofty domicile, his first + floor down the chimney! + </p> + <p> + Real Life in London must be seen, to be believed. The Hon. Tom Dashall and + his friend Tallyho were reared in the lap of luxury, and never until now + formed an adequate conception of the distressing privations attendant on + suffering humanity. + </p> + <p> + With a dejection of spirits evidently occasioned by the humiliating + necessity of ushering his polished friends into the wretched asylum of + penury, the Poet led the way with tardy reluctancy, while his visitors + regretted every step of ascent, under the appalling circumstance of giving + pain to adversity; yet they felt that to recede would be more indelicate + than to advance. + </p> + <p> + The apartment which they now entered seemed a lumber room, for the + reception of superfluous or unserviceable furniture, containing not fewer + than eleven decayed and mutilated chairs of varied description; and the + limited space, to make the most of it in a pecuniary point of view, <span + class="pagenum">[346]</span> was encroached upon by three uncurtained + beds, of most impoverished appearance,—while, exhibiting the ravages + of time in divers fractures, the dingy walls and ceiling, retouched by the + trowel in many places with a lighter shade of repairing material, bore no + unapt resemblance to the Pye-bald Horse in Chiswell-street! Calculating on + its utility and probable future use, the builder of the mansion had given + to this room the appendage of a chimney, but evidently it had for many + years been unconscious of its usual accompaniment, fire. Two windows had + originally admitted the light of heaven, but to reduce the duty, one was + internally blocked up, while externally uniformity was preserved. A + demolished pane of glass in the remaining window, close to which stood a + small dilapidated table, gave ingress to a current of air; the convenient + household article denominated a clothes-horse, stood against the wall; and + several parallel lines of cord were stretched across the room, on which to + hang wet linen, a garret being considered of free access to all the house, + and the comfort or health of its occupant held in utter derision and + contempt! + </p> + <p> + Here then,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "In the worst Inn's worst room, with cobwebs hung, + The walls of plaster and the floors of dung," +</pre> + <p> + entered Dashall and his Cousin Tallyho. The latter familiarly seating + himself on the ricketty remains of what had once been an arm-chair, but + now a cripple, having lost one of its legs, the precarious equilibrium + gave way under the unaccustomed shock of the contact, and the 'Squire came + to the ground, to his no small surprise, the confusion of the poet, and + amusement of Dashall! + </p> + <p> + With many apologies for the awkwardness of their very humble + accommodation, and grateful expression of thanks for the honour conferred + upon him, the Poet replaced Tallyho in a firmer seat, and a silence of + some few moments ensued, the two friends being at a loss in what manner to + explain, and the Poet unwilling to inquire the object of their visit. + </p> + <p> + Dashall began at last, by observing that in pursuit of the knowledge of + Real Life in London, he and his accompanying friend had met with many + incidents both ludicrous and interesting; but that in the present instance + their visit was rather influenced by sympathy than <span class="pagenum">[347]</span> + curiosity, and that where they could be serviceable to the interest of + merit in obscurity, they always should be happy in the exercise of a duty + so perfectly congenial with their feelings. + </p> + <p> + Many years had elapsed since the person, to whom these remarks were + addressed, had heard the voice of consolation, and its effect was + instantaneous; his usual sombre cast of countenance became brightened by + the glow of cheerful animation, and he even dwelt on the subject of his + unfortunate circumstances with jocularity: + </p> + <p> + "The elevated proximity of a garret," he observed, "to the sublimer + regions, has often been resorted to as the <i>roost of genius</i>; and why + should I, of the most slender, if any, literary pretensions, complain? And + yet my writings, scattered amongst the various fugitive periodical + publications of this and our sister island, if collected together, would + form a very voluminous compilation." + </p> + <p> + "I have always understood," said Bob, "that the quality, not the quantum, + constituted the fame of an author's productions." + </p> + <p> + "True, Sir," answered the Poet; "and I meant not the vanity of arrogating + to myself any merit from my writings, with reference either to quantum or + quality. I alluded to the former, as merely proving the inefficacy of + mental labour in realizing the necessaries of life to an author whom + celebrity declines acknowledging. Similarly situated, it would appear was + the Dutchman mentioned by the late Doctor Walcot, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "My Broder is te poet, look, + As all te world must please, + For he heb wrote, py Got, a book + So big as all this cheese!" +</pre> + <p> + "On the other hand, Collins, Hammond, and Gray, wrote each of them but + little, yet their names will descend to posterity!—And had Gray, of + his poems the <i>Bard</i>, and the <i>Elegy in a Country Church Yard</i>, + written only one, and written nothing else, he had required no other or + better passport to immortality!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Of that great and multitudinous writer, Doctor Samuel + Johnson, the following anecdote is told: "Being one morning + in the library at Buckingham House honoured with the + presence of Royalty, the King, his late Majesty, inquired + why he, (Mr. Johnson) did not continue to write. "May it + please your Majesty," answered the Doctor, "I think I have + written enough."—"I should have thought so too," his + Majesty replied, "if, Doctor Johnson, you had not written so + well." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[348]</span> In this opinion the visitants, who were + both well conversant with our native literature, readily acquiesced. + </p> + <p> + "Have you never," asked Dashall, "thought of publishing a volume by + subscription?" + </p> + <p> + "I meditated such intention," answered the Poet, "not long ago; drew up + the necessary Prospectus, with a specimen of the Poetry, and perambulated + the Metropolis in search of patronage. In some few instances I was + successful, and, though limited the number, yet the high respectability of + my few Subscribers gave me inexpressible satisfaction; several of our + nobility honoured me with their names, and others, my patrons, were of the + very first class of literature. Nevertheless, I encountered much + contumelious reception; and after an irksome and unavailing perseverance + of a month's continuance, I was at last compelled to relinquish all hope + of success. + </p> + <p> + "Having then on my list the name of a very worthy Alderman who lately + filled the Civic Chair with honour to himself and advantage to his + fellow-citizens, I submitted my prospectus in an evil hour to another + Alderman, a baronet, of this here and that there notoriety! + </p> + <p> + "Waiting in his Banking-house the result of my application, he + condescended to stalk forth from the holy of holies, his inner room, with + the lofty demeanour of conscious importance, when, in the presence of his + Clerks and others, doubtless to their great edification and amusement, the + following colloquy ensued, bearing in his hand my unlucky Prospectus, with + a respectful epistle which had accompanied it:— + </p> + <p> + "Are you the writer," he asked in a majesterial tone, "of this here + letter?" + </p> + <p> + "I am, Sir W*****m, unfortunately!" + </p> + <p> + "Then," he continued, "you may take them there papers back again, I have + no time to read Prospectuses, and so Mister Poet my compliments, and good + morning to you!!!" + </p> + <p> + "These literally were his words; and such was the astounding effect they + produced on my mind, that, although I had meant to have passed through the + Royal Exchange, I yet, in the depth of my reverie, wandered I knew not + where, and, before recovering my recollection, found myself in the centre + of London Bridge!" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[349]</span> The detail of this fact, so + characteristic of rude, ungentlemanly manners, and the barbarian ignorance + of this great man of little soul, excited against him, with Dashall and + his friend, a mingled feeling of ridicule, contempt and reprobation! + </p> + <p> + "Real Life in London still!" exclaimed Talltho; "intellect and indigence + in a garret, and wealth and ignorance in a banking-house!—I would at + least have given him, in deficiency of other means, the wholesome + castigation of reproof." + </p> + <p> + "I did," said the Poet, "stung to the quick by such unmerited contumely, I + retired to my attic, and produced a philippic named the Recantation: I + cannot accommodate you at present with a copy of the Poem, but the + concluding stanzas I can repeat from memory:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "C****s, thy house in Lombard Street + Affords thee still employment meet, + Thy consequence retaining; + For there thy Partners and thy Clerks + Must listen to thy sage remarks, + Subservient, uncomplaining. + + And rob'd in Aldermanic gown, + With look and language all thy own, + Thou mak'st thy hearers stare, + When this here cause, so wisely tried, + Thou put'st with self-applause aside, + To wisely try that there. + + Nor can thy brother Cits forget + When thou at civic banquet sate, + And ask'd of Heaven a boon, + A toast is call'd, on thee all eyes + Intent, when peals of laughter rise— + A speedy peace and soon! + + Nor yet orthography nor grammar, + Vain effort on thy pate to hammer, + Impregnable that fort is! + Witness thy toast again,—Three Cs; + For who would think that thou by these + Meant Cox, and King, and Curtis + C****s, though scant thy sense, yet Heaven + To thee the better boon hast given + Or wealth—then sense despise, + And deem not Fate's decrees amiss, + For still "where ignorance is bliss + 'Tis folly to be wise!" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[350]</span> "Bravo!" exclaimed Dashall; "re-issue + your Prospectus, my friend, and we will accelerate, with our best interest + and influence, the publication of your volume. Let it be dedicated to the + Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin Bob Tallyho. In the meanwhile, accept this + trifle, as a complimentary <i>douceur</i> uniformly given on such + occasions; and, amidst the varied scenes of Real Life in London, I shall + frequently recur to the present as the most gratifying to my feelings." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "By this the sun was out of sight, + And darker gloamin brought the night." +</pre> + <p> + The benevolent associates now departed, pleased with the occurrences of + the day, and, more than all, with the last, wherein the opportunity was + afforded them of extending consolation and relief to genius in adversity!<span + class="pagenum">[351]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0006" id="link22HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ........"Mark! + He who would cut the knot that does entwine + And link two loving hearts in unison, + May have man's form; but at his birth, be sure on't, + Some devil thrust sweet nature's hand aside + Ere she had pour'd her balm within his breast, + To warm his gross and earthly mould with pity. + + .......I know what 'tis + When worldly knaves step in with silver beards, + To poison bliss, and pluck young souls asunder." +</pre> + <p> + TOM and his Cousin were surprised the next morning by a visit from Mr. + Mortimer and his friend Merrywell, whose dismal features and long visages + plainly indicated some unpleasant disaster, and Tom began to fear blame + would be attached to them for leaving his party at Darkhouse Lane. + </p> + <p> + "Pray," said Merrywell, "can you tell me where to find your friend + Sparkle?" + </p> + <p> + "Indeed," replied Dashall, a little relieved by this question, "I am not + Sparkle's keeper; but pray be seated—what is the matter, is it a + duel, do you want a second?—I know he is a good shot." + </p> + <p> + "This levity, Sir," said Mortimer, "is not to be borne. The honour of a + respectable family is at stake, and must be satisfied. No doubt you, as + his very oldest friend, know where he is; and I desire you will + immediately inform me, or———" + </p> + <p> + "Sir," said Dashall, who was as averse as unused to be desired by any + person—"do you know whom you address, and that I am in my own house? + if you do, you have certainly discarded all propriety of conduct and + language before you cross'd the threshold." + </p> + <p> + "Gentlemen," said Merrywell, "perhaps some explanation is really necessary + here. My friend Mortimer speaks under agonized feelings, for which, I am + sure, your good sense will make every allowance. Miss Mortimer———" + </p> + <p> + "Miss Mortimer," exclaimed Dashall, rising from his <span class="pagenum">[352]</span> + seat, "you interest me strongly, say, what of Miss Mortimer?" + </p> + <p> + "Alas," said Mortimer, evidently endeavouring to suppress emotions which + appeared to agitate his whole frame, and absorb every mental faculty, "we + are unable to account for her absence, and strongly suspect she is in + company with your friend Sparkle—can you give us any information + relative to either of them?" + </p> + <p> + Dashall assured them he knew nothing of the fugitives, but that he would + certainly make every inquiry in his power, if possible to find out + Sparkle. Upon which they departed, though not without hinting they + expected Tom had the power of making a search more effectually than either + Mortimer or Merrywell. + </p> + <p> + "Egad!" said Tom to Tallyho, "this absence of Sparkle means something more + than I can at present conceive; and it appears that we must now venture + forth in search of our guide. I hope he has taken a good direction + himself." + </p> + <p> + "Mortimer appears hurt," continued Bob, "and I can scarcely wonder at it." + </p> + <p> + "It is a trifle in high life now-a-days," replied Dashall, "and my life + for it we shall obtain some clue to his mode of operation before the day + is out. Love is a species of madness, and oftentimes induces extraordinary + movements. I have discovered its existence in his breast for some time + past, and if he is really with the lady, I wonder myself that he has not + given some sort of intimation; though I know he is very cautious in laying + his plans, and very tenacious of admitting too many persons to know his + intentions, for fear of some indiscreet friend unintentionally frustrating + his designs." + </p> + <p> + "I apprehend we shall have a wild-goose chase of it," rejoined Bob. + </p> + <p> + "It serves however," continued Tom, "to diversify our peregrinations; and + if it is his pleasure to be in love, we will endeavour to chase pleasure + in pursuit of the Lover, and if guided by honourable motives, which I + cannot doubt, we will wish him all the success he can wish himself, only + regretting that we are deprived of his agreeable company. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Still free as air the active mind will rove, + And search out proper objects for its love; + But that once fix'd, 'tis past the pow'r of art + To chase the dear idea from the heart. + 'Tis liberty of choice that sweetens life, + Makes the glad husband and the happy wife." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[353]</span> "But come, let us forth and see how the + land lies; many persons obtain all their notoriety from an elopement; it + makes a noise in the world, and even though frequently announced in our + newspapers under fictitious titles, the parties soon become known and are + recollected ever after; and some even acquire fame by the insertion of a + paragraph announcing an elopement, in which they insinuate that themselves + are parties; so that an elopement in high life may be considered as one of + the sure roads to popularity." + </p> + <p> + "But not always a safe one," replied Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Life is full of casualties," rejoined Dashall, "and you are by this time + fully aware that it requires something almost beyond human foresight to + continue in the line of safety, while you are in pursuit of Real Life in + London. Though it may fairly be said, 'That all the world's a stage, and + all the men and women merely passengers,' still they have their inside and + their outside places, and each man in his time meets with strange + adventures. It may also very properly be termed a Camera Obscura, + reflecting not merely trees, sign-posts, houses, &c. but the human + heart in all its folds, its feelings, its passions, and its motives. In it + you may perceive conceit flirting its fan—arrogance adjusting its + cravat—pedantry perverting its dictionary—vacuity humming a + tune—vanity humming his neighbour—cunning shutting his eyes + while listening to a pedagogue—and credulity opening his eyes and + ears, willing and anxious to be deceived and duped." + </p> + <p> + "It is a strange world, indeed," said Tallyho; "and of all that I have + ever heard or seen, this London of your's is the most extraordinary part." + </p> + <p> + "Yes,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "This world is a well-cover'd table, + Where guests are promiscuously set; + We all eat as long as we're able, + And scramble for what we can get—" +</pre> + <p> + answered his Cousin; "in fact, it is like every thing, and at the same + time like nothing—<span class="pagenum">[354]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The world is all nonsense and noise, + Fantoccini, or Ombres Chinoises, + Mere pantomime mummery + Puppet-show flummery; + A magical lantern, confounding the sight; + + Like players or puppets, we move + On the wires of ambition and love; + Poets write wittily, + Maidens look prettily, + 'Till death drops the curtain + —all's over—good night!" +</pre> + <p> + By this time they were at Long's, where, upon inquiry, all trace of + Sparkle had been lost for two days. All was mystery and surprise, not so + much that he should be absent, as that his servant could give no account + of him, which was rather extraordinary. Tom ascertained, however, that no + suspicion appeared to have been excited as to Miss Mortimer, and, with + commendable discretion, avoided expressing a word which could create such + an idea, merely observing, that most likely he had taken an unexpected + trip into the country, and would be heard of before the day was out. + </p> + <p> + On leaving Long's however they were met again by Mortimer in breathless + anxiety, evidently labouring under some new calamity. + </p> + <p> + "I am glad I have found you," said he, addressing himself to Dashall; "for + I am left in this d———d wilderness of a place without a + friend to speak to." + </p> + <p> + "How," inquired Ton, "what the d———l is the matter with + you?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, you must know that Merry well is gone—" + </p> + <p> + "Gone—where to?" + </p> + <p> + "To—to—zounds, I've forgot the name of the people; but two + genteel looking fellows just now very genteely told him he was wanted, and + must come." + </p> + <p> + "Indeed!" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, and he told me to find you out, and let you know that he must become + a bencher; and, without more todo, walked away with his new friends, + leaving me forlorn enough. My Sister run away, my Uncle run after her—Sparkle + absent, and Merrywell—" + </p> + <p> + "In the hands of the Nab-men—I see it all clear enough; and you have + given a very concise, but comprehensive picture of your own situation; but + don't despair, man, you will yet find all right, be assured; put yourself + under my guidance, let the world wag as it will; it is useless to torment + yourself with things you cannot prevent or cure. + </p> + <p> + "The right end of life is to live and be jolly." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[355]</span> Mortimer scarcely knew how to relish + this advice, and seemed to doubt within himself whether it was meant + satirically or feelingly, till Dashall whispered in his ear a caution not + to betray the circumstances that had transpired, for his Sister's sake. + "But," continued he, "I never suffer these things, which are by no means + uncommon in London, to interfere with my pursuits, though we are all + somewhat at a loss. However, as the post is in by this time, some news may + be expected, and we will call at home before we proceed any further.—Where + do you think the Colonel is gone to?" + </p> + <p> + "Heaven only knows," replied Mortimer; "the whole family is in an uproar + of surmise and alarm,—what may be the end of it I know not." + </p> + <p> + "A pretty breeze Master Sparkle has kick'd up, indeed," continued Tom; + "but I have for some time noticed an alteration in him. He always was a + gay trump, and whenever I find him seriously inclined, I suspect some + mischief brewing; for rapid transitions always wear portentous + appearances, and your serious files are generally sly dogs. My life for it + they have stolen a march upon your Uncle, queered some country Parson, and + are by this time snugly stowed away in the harbour of matrimony. As for + Merrywell, I dare be sworn his friends will take care of him." + </p> + <p> + Expectation was on tiptoe as Dashall broke the seal of a letter that was + handed to him on arrival at home. Mortimer was on the fidget, and Tallyho + straining his neck upon the full stretch of anxiety to hear the news, when + Dashall burst into a laugh, but in which neither of the others could join + in consequence of not knowing the cause of it. In a few minutes however + the mystery was in some degree explained. + </p> + <p> + "Here," said Tom, "is news—extraordinary news—an official + dispatch from head-quarters, but without any information as to where the + tents are pitched. It is but a short epistle." He then read aloud, + </p> + <p> + "Dear Dashall, + </p> + <p> + "Please inform the Mortimer family and friends that all's well. + </p> + <p> + Your's truly, + </p> + <p> + C. Sparkle." + </p> + <p> + Then handing the laconic epistle to Mortimer—"I trust," said he, + "you will now be a little more at ease." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[356]</span> Mortimer eagerly examined the letter + for the postmark, but was not able to make out from whence it came. + </p> + <p> + "I confess," said he, "I am better satisfied than I was, but am yet at a + loss to judge of the motives which have induced them to pursue so strange + a course." + </p> + <p> + "The motive," cried Tom, "that may be easily explained; and I doubt not + but you will find, although it may at present appear a little mysterious, + Sparkle will be fully able to shew cause and produce effect. He is however + a man of honour and of property, and most likely we may by this time + congratulate you upon the change of your Sister's name. What a blaze it + will make, and she will now most certainly become a sparkling subject. + Hang it, man, don't look so dull upon a bright occasion. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "To prove pleasure but pain, some have hit on a project, + We're duller the merrier we grow, + Exactly the same unaccountable logic + That talks of cold fire and warm snow. + + For me, born by nature + For humour and satire, + I sing and I roar and I quaff; + Each muscle I twist it, + I cannot resist it, + A finger held up makes me laugh. + + For since pleasure's joy's parent, and joy begets mirth, + Should the subtlest casuist or sophist on earth + Contradict me, I'd call him an ass and a calf, + And boldly insist once for all, + That the only criterion of pleasure's to laugh, + And sing tol de rol, loi de rol lol." +</pre> + <p> + This mirth of Dash all's did not seem to be in consonance with the + feelings of Mortimer, who hastily took his departure. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Tom to his Cousin, "having gained some information respecting + one friend, we will now take a stroll through Temple Bar, and have a peep + at Merrywell; he may perhaps want assistance in his present situation, + though I will answer for it he is in a place of perfect security." + </p> + <p> + "How," said Bob—"what do you mean?" + </p> + <p> + "Mean, why the traps have nibbled him. He is arrested, and gone to a + lock-up shop, a place of mere accommodation for gentlemen to take up their + abode, for the purpose of <span class="pagenum">[357]</span> arranging + their affairs, and where they can uninterruptedly make up their minds + whether to give bail, put in appearance and defend the suit, or take a + trip to Abbott's Priory; become a three months' student in the college of + art, and undergo the fashionable ceremony of white-washing." + </p> + <p> + "I begin to understand you now," said Bob, "and the only difference + between our two friends is, that one has willingly put on a chain for life—" + </p> + <p> + "And the other may in all probability (continued Tom,) have to chaff his + time away with a chum—perhaps not quite so agreeable, though it + really is possible to be very comfortable, if a man can reconcile himself + to the loss of liberty, even in "durance vile." + </p> + <p> + By this time they were walking leisurely along Piccadilly, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "And marching without any cumbersome load, + They mark'd every singular sight on the road." +</pre> + <p> + "Who is that meagre looking man and waddling woman, who just passed us?" + inquired Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "An old Bencher," was the reply; "there you see all that is left of a man + of <i>haut ton</i>, one who has moved in the highest circles; but alas! + bad company and bad play have reduced him to what he now is. He has cut up + and turn'd down very well among the usurers and attornies; but it is + impossible to say of him, as of his sirloin of a wife (for she cannot be + called a rib, or at all events a spare rib) that there is any thing like + cut and come again. The poor worn-out Exquisite tack'd himself to his + Lady, to enable him to wipe out a long score, and she determined on taking + him for better for worse, after a little rural felicity in a walk to have + her fortune told by a gipsy at Norwood. He is now crippled in pocket and + person, and wholly dependent upon bounty for the chance of prolonging a + miserable existence. His game is up. But what is life but a game, at which + every one is willing to play? one wins and another loses: why there have + been as many moves among titled persons, Kings, Queens, Bishops, Lords and + Knights, within the last century, as there are in a game at chess. Pawns + have been taken and restored in all classes, from the Sovereign, who pawns + or loses his crown, to the Lady whose reputation is in pawn, and becomes + at last not worth half a crown. Shuffling, cutting, dealing out and <span + class="pagenum">[358]</span> dealing in, double dealing and double faces, + have long been the order of the day. Some men's cards are all trumps, + whilst others have <i>carte blanche</i>; some honours count, whilst others + stand for nothing. For instance, did not the little man who cast up his + final accounts a short time back at St. Helena, like a Corsican conjurer, + shuffle and cut about among kings and queens, knaves and asses, (aces I + mean) dealing out honours when he liked, and taking trumps as he thought + fit?—did he not deal and take up again almost as he pleased, having + generally an honour in his sleeve to be played at command, or <i>un roi + dans le marche</i>; by which cheating, it was scarcely possible for any + one to get fair play with him, till, flushed by success, and not knowing + how to bear his prosperity, he played too desperately and too long? The + tables were turned upon him, and his enemies cheated him, first of his + liberty, and ultimately of his life." + </p> + <p> + At this moment Tallyho, who was listening in close attention to his + Cousin, struck his foot against a brown paper parcel which rolled before + him.—"Hallo!" exclaimed he, "what have we here?—somebody has + dropped a prize." + </p> + <p> + "It is mine, Sir," said an old woman, dropping them a curtsey with a smile + which shone through her features, though thickly begrimed with snuff. + </p> + <p> + "A bite," said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "I dropp'd it from my pocket, Sir, just now." + </p> + <p> + "And pray," inquired Tom, "what does it contain?" picking it up. + </p> + <p> + "Snuff, Sir," was the reply; "a kind, good-hearted Gentleman gave it to me—God + bless him, and bless your Honour too!" with an additional smile, and a + still lower curtsey. + </p> + <p> + Upon examining the paper, which had been broken by the kick, Tom + perceived, that by some magic or other, the old woman's snuff had become + sugar. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" said he, "they have played some trick upon you, and given you + brimstone instead of snuff, or else you are throwing dust in our eyes." + </p> + <p> + The parcel, which contained a sample of sugar, was carefully rolled up + again and tied, then dropped to be found by any body else who chose to + stoop for it. + </p> + <p> + "This," said Dashall, "does not turn out to be what I first expected; for + the practices of ring and money <span class="pagenum">[359]</span> + dropping{1} have, at various times, been carried on with great success, + and to the serious injury of the unsuspecting. The persons who generally + apply themselves to this species of cheating are no other than gamblers + who ingeniously contrive, by dropping a purse or a ring, to draw in some + customer with a view to induce him to play; and notwithstanding their arts + have frequently been exposed, we every now and then hear of some flat + being done by these sharps, and indeed there are constantly customers in + London to be had one way or another." + </p> + <p> + "Then you had an idea that that parcel was a bait of this kind," rejoined + Bob. + </p> + <p> + "I did," replied his Cousin; "but it appears to be a legitimate letter + from some industrious mechanic to his friend, and is a curious specimen of + epistolary correspondence; and you perceive there was a person ready to + claim it, which conspired rather to confirm my suspicions, being a little + in the style of the gentry I have alluded to. They vary their mode of + proceeding according to situation and circumstance. Your money-dropper + contrives to find his own property, as if by chance. He picks up the purse + with an exclamation of 'Hallo! what have we here?—Zounds! if here is + not a prize—I'm in rare luck to-day—Ha, ha, ha, let's have a + peep at it—it feels heavy, and no doubt is worth having.' While he + is examining its contents, up comes his confederate, who claims a share on + account of having been present at the finding. 'Nay, nay,' replies the + finder, 'you are not in it. This Gentleman is the only person that was + near me—was not you, Sir? 'By this means the novice is induced to + assent, or perhaps assert his prior claim. The finder declares, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The practice of ring-dropping is not wholly confined to + London, as the following paragraph from the Glasgow Courier, + a very short time ago, will sufficiently prove:—'On Monday + afternoon, when three Highland women, who had been employed + at a distance from home in the harvest, were returning to + their habitations, they were accosted by a fellow who had + walked out a short way with them, 'till he picked up a pair + of ear-rings and a key for a watch. The fellow politely + informed the females that they should have half the value of + the articles, as they were in his company when they were + found. While they were examining them, another fellow came + up, who declared at once they were gold, and worth at least + thirty shillings. After some conversation, the women were + induced to give fifteen shillings for the articles, and came + and offered them to a watch-maker for sale, when they + learned to their mortification that they were not worth + eighteen pence!' +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[360]</span> that sooner than have any dispute about + it, he will divide the contents in three parts; recommends an adjournment + to a public-house in the neighbourhood, to wet the business and drink over + their good luck. This being consented to, the leading points are + accomplished. The purse of course is found to contain counterfeit money—Flash-screens + or Fleet-notes,{1} and the division cannot well be made without change can + be procured. Now comes the touch-stone. The Countryman, for such they + generally contrive to inveigle, is perhaps in cash, having sold his hay, + or his cattle, tells them he can give change; which being understood, the + draught-board, cards, or la bagatelle, are introduced, and as the job is a + good one, they can afford to sport some of their newly-acquired wealth in + this way. They drink and play, and fill their grog again. The Countryman + bets; if he loses, he is called upon to pay; if he wins, 'tis added to + what is coming to him out of the purse. + </p> + <p> + "If, after an experiment or two, they find he has but little money, or + fight shy, they bolt, that is, brush off in quick time, leaving him to + answer for the reckoning. But if he is what they term well-breeched, and + full of cash, they stick to him until he is cleaned out,{2} make him + drunk, and, if he turns restive, they mill him. If he should be an easy + cove,{3} he perhaps give them change for their flash notes, or counterfeit + coin, and they leave him as soon as possible, highly pleased with his + fancied success, while they laugh in their sleeves at the dupe of their + artifice." + </p> + <p> + "And is it possible?" inquired Tallyho— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Can such things be, and overcome us + Like a summer's cloud?" +</pre> + <p> + "Not without our special wonder," continued Dashall; "but such things have + been practised. Then again, your ring-droppers, or practisers of the + fawney rig, are more cunning in their manoeuvres to turn their wares into + the ready blunt.{4} The pretending to find a ring being one of the meanest + and least profitable exercises of their ingenuity, it forms a part of + their art to find articles of much more + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Flash-screens or Fleet-notes—Forged notes. + + 2 Cleaned out—Having lost all your money. + + 3 Easy cove—One whom there is no difficulty in gulling. + + 4 Ready blunt—Cash in hand. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[361]</span> value, such as rich jewelry, broaches, + ear-rings, necklaces set with diamonds, pearls, &c. sometimes made + into a paper parcel, at others in a small neat red morocco case, in which + is stuck a bill of parcels, giving a high-flown description of the + articles, and with an extravagant price. Proceeding nearly in the same way + as the money-droppers with the dupe, the finder proposes, as he is rather + short of <i>steeven</i>,{1} to <i>swap</i>{2}his share for a comparatively + small part of the value stated in the bill of parcels: and if he succeeds + in obtaining one-tenth of that amount in hard cash, his triumph is + complete; for, upon examination, the diamonds turn out to be nothing but + paste—the pearls, fishes' eyes—and the gold is merely polished + brass gilt, and altogether of no value. But this cannot be discovered + beforehand, because the <i>bilk</i>{3} is in a hurry, can't spare time to + go to a shop to have the articles valued, but assures his intended victim, + that, as they found together, he should like to <i>smack the bit</i>,{4 + }without <i>blowing the gap</i>,{5} and so help him G—d, the thing + wants no <i>buttering up</i>,{6} because he is willing to give his share + for such a trifle." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Steeven—A flash term for money. + + 2 Swap—To make an exchange, to barter one article for + another. + + 3 A swindler or cheat. + + 4 Smack the bit—To share the booty. + + 5 Blowing the gap—Making any thing known. + + 6 Buttering up—Praising or flattering. +</pre> + <p> + This conversation was suddenly interrupted by a violent crash just behind + them, as they passed Drury Lane Theatre in their way through Bussel Court; + and Bob, upon turning to ascertain from whence such portentous sounds + proceeded, discovered that he had brought all the Potentates of the Holy + Alliance to his feet. The Alexanders, the Caesars, the Buonapartes, + Shakespeares, Addisons and Popes, lay strewed upon the pavement, in one + undistinguished heap, while a poor Italian lad with tears in his eyes + gazed with indescribable anxiety on the shapeless ruin—' Vat shall + me do?—dat man knock him down—all brokt—you pay—Oh! + mine Godt, vat shall do! ' This appeal was made to Dashall and Tallyho, + the latter of whom the poor Italian seemed to fix upon as the author of + his misfortune in upsetting his board of plaster images; and although he + was perfectly unconscious of the accident, the appeal of the vender of + great personages had its desired effect upon them both; and <span + class="pagenum">[362]</span> finding themselves quickly surrounded by + spectators, they gave him some silver, and then pursued their way. + </p> + <p> + "These men," said Dashall, "are generally an industrious and hard-living + people; they walk many miles in the course of a day to find sale for their + images, which they will rather sell at any price than carry back with them + at night; and it is really wonderful how they can make a living by their + traffic." + </p> + <p> + "Ha, ha, ha," said a coarse spoken fellow following—"how the Jarman + Duck diddled the Dandies just now—did you twig how he queered the + coves out of seven bob for what was not worth <i>thrums.</i>{1} The <i>Yelper</i>{2} + did his duty well, and finger'd the <i>white wool</i>{3} in good style. + I'm d———d if he was not up to slum, and he whiddied + their wattles with the velvet, and floored the town toddlers easy enough." + </p> + <p> + "How do you mean?" said his companion. + </p> + <p> + "Why you know that foreign blade is an ould tyke about this quarter, and + makes a good deal of money—many a <i>twelver</i>{4} does he get by + buying up broken images of persons who sell them by wholesale, and he of + course gets them for little or nothing: then what does he do but dresses + out his board, to give them the best appearance he can, and toddles into + the streets, <i>touting</i>{5} for a good customer. The first genteel bit + of flash he meets that he thinks will dub up the possibles,{6} he dashes + down the board, breaks all the broken heads, and appeals in a pitiful way + for remuneration for his loss; so that nine times out of ten he gets some + Johnny-raw or other to stump up the rubbish." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" said Dashall, "these fellows are smoking us; and, in the midst + of my instructions to guard you against the abuses of the Metropolis, we + have ourselves become the dupes of an impostor." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Thrums—A flash term for threepence. + + 2 The Yelper—A common term given to a poor fellow subject, + who makes very pitiful lamentations on the most trifling + accidents. + + 3 White wool—Silver. + + 4 Twelver—A shilling. + + 5 Touting—Is to be upon the sharp look out. + + 6 To dub up the possibles—To stand the nonsense—are nearly + synonimous, and mean—will pay up any demand rather than be + detained. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[363]</span> "Well," said Tallyho, "it is no more + than a practical illustration of your own observation, that it is scarcely + possible for any person to be at all times secure from the arts and + contrivances of your ingenious friends the Londoners; though I confess I + was little in expectation of finding you, as an old practitioner, so + easily let in." + </p> + <p> + "It is not much to be wondered at," continued Tom, "for here we are in the + midst of the very persons whose occupations, if such they may be termed, + ought most to be avoided; for Covent Garden, and Drury Lane, with their + neighbourhoods, are at all times infested with swindlers, sharpers, + whores, thieves, and depredators of all descriptions, for ever on the look + out. It is not long since a man was thrown from a two-pair of stairs + window in Charles Street,{1} which is just by, having been decoyed into a + house of ill fame by a Cyprian, and this in a situation within sight of + the very Police Office itself in Bow Street!" + </p> + <p> + "Huzza! ha, ha, ha, there he goes," vociferated by a variety of voices, + now called their attention, and put an end to their conversation; and the + appearance of a large concourse of people running up Drury Lane, engrossed + their notice as they approached the other end of Russel Court. + </p> + <p> + On coming up with the crowd, they found the cause of the vast assemblage + of persons to be no other than a Quaker{2} decorated with a tri-coloured + cockade, who was + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A circumstance of a truly alarming and distressing nature, + to which Dashall alluded in this place, was recently made + known to the public in the daily journals, and which should + serve as a lesson to similar adventurers. + + It appeared that a young man had been induced to enter a + house of ill fame in Charles Street, Covent Garden, by one + of its cyprian inmates, to whom he gave some money in order + for her to provide them with supper; that, upon her return, + he desired to have the difference between what he had given + and what she had expended returned to him, which being + peremptorily refused, he determined to leave the house. On + descending the stair-case for which purpose, he was met by + some men, with whom he had a violent struggle to escape; + they beat and bruised him most unmercifully, and afterwards + threw him from a two-pair of stairs window into the street, + where he was found by the Watchman with his skull fractured, + and in a state of insensibility. We believe all attempts + have hitherto proved fruitless to bring the actual + perpetrator or perpetrators of this diabolical deed to + punishment. + + 2 Bow-street.—Thursday morning an eccentric personage, who + has for some time been seen about the streets of the + Metropolis in the habit of a Quaker, and wearing the tri- + coloured cockade in his broad white hat, made his appearance + at the door of this office, and presenting a large packet to + one of the officers, desired him, in a tone of authority, to + lay it instantly before the Magistrate. The Magistrate (G. + R. Minshull, Esq.) having perused this singular paper, + inquired for the person who brought it; and in the next + moment a young man, in the garb of a Quaker, with a broad- + brimmed, peaceful-looking, drab-coloured beaver on his + head, surmounted by a furious tri-coloured cockade, was + brought before him. This strange anomalous ' personage + having placed himself very carefully directly in front of + the bench, smiled complacently upon his Worship, and the + following laconic colloquy ensued forthwith:— + + Magistrate—Did you bring this letter? + + Quaker—Thou hast said it. + + Magistrate—-What is your object in bringing it? + + Quaker—Merely to let thee know what is going on in the + world—and, moreover, being informed that if I came to thy + office, I should be taken into custody, I was desiroiis to + ascertain whether that information was true. + + Magistrate—Then I certainly shall not gratify you by + ordering you into custody. + + Quaker—Thou wilt do as seemeth right in thy eyes. I assure + thee I have no inclination to occupy thy time longer than is + profitable to us, and therefore I will retire whenever thou + shalt signify that my stay is unpleasant to thee. + + Magistrate—Why do you wear your hat?—are you a Quaker? + + Quaker—Thou sayest it—but that is not my sole motive for + wearing it. To be plain with thee, I wear it because I chose + to do so. Canst thee tell me of any law which compels me + to take it off? + + Magistrate—I'll tell you what, friend, I would seriously + recommend you to retire from this place as speedily as + possible. + + Quaker—I take thy advice—farewell. + + Thus ended this comical conversation, and the eccentric + friend immediately departed in peace. + + The brother of the above person attended at the office on + Saturday, and stated that the Quaker is insane, that he was + proprietor of an extensive farm near Ryegate, in Surrey, for + some years; but that in May last his bodily health being + impaired, he was confined for some time, and on his recovery + it was found that his intellects were affected, and he was + put under restraint, but recovered. Some time since he + absconded from Ryegate, and his friends were unable to + discover him, until they saw the account of his eccen- + tricities in the newspapers. Mr. Squire was desirous, if he + made his appearance again at the office, he should be + detained. The Magistrate, as a cause for the detention of + the Quaker, swore the brother to these facts. About three + o'clock the Quaker walked up Bow-street, when an officer + conducted him to the presence of the Magistrate, who + detained him, and at seven o'clock delivered him into the + care of his brother. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[365]</span> very quietly walking with a Police + Officer, and exhibiting a caricature of himself mounted on a velocipede, + and riding over corruption, &c. It was soon ascertained that he had + accepted an invitation from one of the Magistrates of Bow Street to pay + him a visit, as he had done the day before, and was at that moment going + before him. + </p> + <p> + "I apprehend he is a little cracked," said Tom; "but however that may be, + he is a very harmless sort of person. But come, we have other game in + view, and our way lies in a different direction to his." + </p> + <p> + "Clothes, Sir, any clothes to-day?" said an importunate young fellow at + the corner of one of the courts, who at the same time almost obstructed + their passage. + </p> + <p> + Making their way as quickly as they could from this very pressing + personage, who invited them to walk in. + </p> + <p> + "This," said Tom, "is what we generally call a <i>Barker</i>. I believe + the title originated with the Brokers in Moor-fields, where men of this + description parade in the fronts of their employers' houses, incessantly + pressing the passengers to walk in and buy household furniture, as they do + clothes in Rosemary Lane, Seven Dials, Field Lane, Houndsditch, and + several other parts of the town. Ladies' dresses also used to be barked in + Cranbourn Alley and the neighbourhood of Leicester Fields; however, the + nuisance has latterly in some measure abated. The Shop-women in that part + content themselves now-a-days by merely inviting strangers to look at + their goods; but Barkers are still to be found, stationed at the doors of + Mock Auctions, who induce company to assemble, by bawling "Walk in, the + auction is now on," or "Just going to begin." Of these mock auctions, + there have been many opened of an evening, under the imposing glare of + brilliant gas lights, which throws an unusual degree of lustre upon the + articles put up for sale. It is not however very difficult to distinguish + them from the real ones, notwithstanding they assume all the exterior + appearances of genuineness, even up to advertisements in the newspapers, + purporting to be held in the house of a person lately gone away under + embarrassed circumstances, or deceased. They are denominated Mock + Auctions, because no real intention exists on the part of the sellers to + dispose of their articles under a certain price previously fixed upon, + which, although it may not be high, is invariably more than they are + actually worth: besides which, they may be easily discovered by the + anxiety they evince to show the goods to strangers at + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[366]</span>the moment they enter, never failing to + bestow over-strained panegyrics upon every lot they put up, and asking + repeatedly—"What shall we say for this article? a better cannot be + produced;" and promising, if not approved of when purchased, to change it. + The Auctioneer has a language suited to all companies, and, according to + his view of a customer, can occasionally jest, bully, or perplex him into + a purchase.—"The goods must be sold at what they will fetch;" and he + declares (notwithstanding among his confederates, who stand by as bidders, + they are run up beyond the real value, in order to catch a flat,) that + "the present bidding can never have paid the manufacturer for his labour." + </p> + <p> + In such places, various articles of silver, plate, glass and household + furniture are exposed to sale, but generally made up of damaged materials, + and slight workmanship of little intrinsic value, for the self-same + purpose as the Razor-seller states— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Friend, (cried the Razor-man) I'm no knave; + As for the razors you have bought, + Upon my soul! I never thought + That they would shave." + + "Not shave!" quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes, + And voice not much unlike an Indian yell; + "What were they made for then, you dog?" he cries. + "Made! (quoth the fellow with a smile) to sell." +</pre> + <p> + Passing the end of White Horse Yard—"Here," continued Tom, "in this + yard and the various courts and alleys which lead into it, reside numerous + Girls in the very lowest state of prostitution; and it is dangerous even + in the day time to pass their habitations, at all events very dangerous to + enter any one of them. Do you see the crowd of squalid, half-clad and + half-starved creatures that surround the old woman at the corner?—Observe, + that young thing without a stocking is stealing along with a bottle in one + hand and a gown in the other; she is going to put the latter <i>up the + spout</i>{1} with her + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Up the spout, or up the five—Are synonimous in their + import, and mean the act of pledging property with a + Pawnbroker for the loan of money—most probably derived from + the practice of having a long spout, which reaches from the + top of the house of the Pawn-broker (where the goods are + deposited for safety till redeemed or sold) to the shop, + where they are first received; through which a small bag is + dropped upon the ringing of a bell, which conveys the + tickets or duplicates to a person above stairs, who, upon + finding them, (unless too bulky) saves himself the trouble + and loss of time of coming down stairs, by more readily + conveying them down the spout. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[367]</span> accommodating <i>Uncle,</i>{1} in order + to obtain a little of the enlivening juice of the juniper to fill the + former." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Uncle, sometimes called the Ferrit, or the Flint—Cant + terms for Pawnbroker, though many of these gentlemen now + assume the more reputable appellation of Silversmiths. They + are willing to lend money upon all sorts of articles of + household furniture, linen, plate, wearing apparel, + jewellery, &c. with a certainty of making a very handsome + profit upon the money so circulated. + + There are in this Metropolis upwards of two hundred and + thirty Pawnbrokers, and in some cases they are a useful and + serviceable class of people; and although doubtless many of + them are honest and reputable persons, there are still among + them a class of sharpers and swindlers, who obtain licences + to carry on the business, and bring disgrace upon the + respectable part of the profession. Every species of fraud + which can add to the distresses of those who are compelled + to raise temporary supplies of money is resorted to, and for + which purpose there are abundance of opportunities. In many + instances however the utility of these persons, in + preventing a serious sacrifice of property, cannot be + denied; for, by advancing to tradesmen and mechanics + temporary loans upon articles of value at a period of + necessity, an opportunity of redeeming them is afforded, + when by their industrious exertions their circumstances are + improved. Many of them however are receivers of stolen + good.s, and, under cover of their licence, do much harm to + the public. Indeed, the very easy mode of raising money by + means of the Pawnbrokers, operates as an inducement, or at + least an encouragement, to every species of vice. The + fraudulent tradesman by their means is enabled to raise + money on the goods of his creditors, the servant to pledge + the property of his employer, and the idle or profligate + mechanic to deposit his working tools, or his work in an + unfinished state. Many persons in London are in the habit of + pawning their apparel from Monday morning till Saturday + night, when they are redeemed, in order to make a decent + appearance on the next day. In low neighbourhoods, and among + loose girls, much business is done by Pawnbrokers to good + advantage; and considerable emolument is derived from women + of the town. The articles they offer to pledge are generally + of the most costly nature, and the pilferings of the night + are usually placed in the hands of an Uncle the next + morning; and the wary money-lenders, fully acquainted with + their necessities, just lend what they please; by which + means they derive a wonderful profit, from the almost + certainty of these articles never being redeemed. + + The secresy with which a Pawnbroker's business is conducted, + though very proper for the protection of the honest and + well-meaning part of the population, to shield them from an + exposure which might perhaps prove fatal to their business or + credit, admits of great room for fraud on the part of the + Money-lender; more particularly as it respects the interest + allowed upon the pawns. Many persons are willing to pay any + charge made, rather than expose their necessities by + appearing before a Magistrate, and acknowledging they have + been concerned in such transactions. + + Persons who are in the constant habit of pawning are + generally known by the Pawnbrokers, in most instances + governed by their will, and compelled to take and pay just + what they please. Again, much injury arises from the want of + care in the Pawnbroker to require a proper account, from the + Pledgers, of the manner in which the goods offered have been + obtained, as duplicates are commonly given upon fictitious + names and residences. + + Notwithstanding the care and attention usually paid to the + examination of the articles received as pledges, these + gentlemen are sometimes to be duped by their customers. We + remember an instance of an elderly man, who was in the habit + of bringing a Dutch clock frequently to a Pawnbroker to + raise the wind, and for safety, generally left it in a large + canvass bag, till he became so regular a customer, that his + clock and bag were often left without inspection; and as it + was seldom deposited for long together, it was placed in + some handy nook of the shop in order to lie ready for + redemption. This system having been carried on for some + time, no suspicion was entertained of the old man. Upon one + occasion however the Pawnbroker's olfactory nerves were + saluted with a smell of a most unsavoury nature, for which + he could by no means account—day after day passed, and no + discovery was made, till at length he determined to overhaul + every article in his shop, and if possible discover the + source of a nuisance which appeared rather to increase than + abate: in doing which, to his utter astonishment, he found + the old man's Dutch clock trans-formed into a sheep's head, + enclosed in a small box similar in shape and size to that of + the clock. It will scarcely be necessary to add, that, being + in the heat of summer, the sheep's head when turned out was + in a putrid state, and as green as grass. The Pawn-broker + declared the old gentleman's works were out of repair, that + he himself was out of tune, and eventually pledged himself + never to be so taken in again. After all, however, it must + be acknowledged that my Uncle is a very accommodating man. + + "My Uncle's the man, I've oft said it before, + Who is ready and willing to open his door; + Tho' some on the question may harbour a doubt, + He's a mill to grind money, which I call a spout. + Derry down. + + He has three golden balls which hang over his door, + Which clearly denote that my Uncle's not poor; + He has money to lend, and he's always so kind, + He will lend it to such as leave something behind. + Derry down. + + If to music inclin'd, there's no man can so soon + Set the hooks of your gamut to excellent tune; + All his tickets are prizes most carefully book'd, + And your notes must be good, or you're presently hook'd. + Derry down. + + Shirts, shoes, and flat-irons, hats, towels, and ruffs, + To him are the same as rich satins or stuffs; + From the pillows you lay on, chairs, tables, or sacks, + He'll take all you have, to the togs on your backs. + Derry down. + + Then ye who are needy, repair to your friend, + Who is ready and willing your fortunes to mend; + He's a purse full of rhino, and that's quite enough, + Tho' short in his speech, he can shell out short stuff. + Derry down. + + What a blessing it is, in this place of renown + To know that we have such an Uncle in town; + In all cases, degrees, in all places and stations, + 'Tis a good thing to know we've such friendly relations. + Derry down. +</pre> + <p> + "Surely," said Tallyho, "no person could possibly be inveigled by her + charms?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[369]</span> "They are not very blooming just now," + answered his Cousin—"you do not see her in a right light. It is + impossible to contemplate the cases of these poor creatures without + dropping a tear of pity. Originally seduced from a state of innocence, and + eventually abandoned by their seducers, as well as their well-disposed + parents or friends, they are left at an early age at large upon the world; + loathed and avoided by those who formerly held them in estimation, what + are they to do?—It is said by Shakespeare, that + </p> + <p> + "Sin will pluck on sin." + </p> + <p> + They seem to have no alternative, but that of continuing in the practice + which they once too fatally begun, in which the major part of them end a + short life of debauchery and wretchedness. + </p> + <p> + "Exposed to the rude insults of the inebriated and the vulgar—the + impositions of brutal officers and watchmen—to the chilling blasts + of the night during the most inclement weather, in thin apparel, partly in + compliance with the fashion of the day, but more frequently from the + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[370]</span> Pawnbroker's shop rendering their + necessary garments inaccessible, diseases (where their unhappy vocation + does not produce them) are thus generated. + </p> + <p> + "Many are the gradations from the highest degree of prostitution down to + the trulls that parade the streets by day, and one or two more steps still + include those who keep out all night. Some of the miserable inhabitants of + this quarter are night-birds, who seldom leave their beds during the day, + except to refresh themselves with a drop of Old Tom; but as the evening + approaches, their business commences, when you will see them decked out + like fine ladies, for there are <i>coves of cases</i>,{1} and others in + the vicinity of the Theatres, who live by letting out dresses for the + evening, where they may be accommodated from a camesa{2} to a richly + embroidered full-dress court suit, under the care of spies, who are upon + the look-out that they don't brush off with the stock. Others, again, are + boarded and lodged by the owners of houses of ill-fame, kept as dirty and + as ragged as beggars all day, but who, + </p> + <p> + "Dress'd out at night, cut a figure." + </p> + <p> + It however not unfrequently happens to those unhappy Girls who have not + been successful in their pursuits, and do not bring home with them the + wages of their prostitution, that they are sent to bed without supper, and + sometimes get a good beating into the bargain; besides which, the Mistress + of the house takes care to search them immediately after they are left by + their gallants, by which means they are deprived of every shilling." + </p> + <p> + Approaching the City, they espied a crowd of persons assembled together + round the door of Money the perfumer. Upon inquiring, a species of + depreciation was exposed, which had not yet come under their view. + </p> + <p> + It appeared that a note, purporting to come from a gentleman at the + Tavistock Hotel, desiring Mr. Money to wait on him to take measure of his + cranium for a fashionable peruke, had drawn him from home, and that during + his absence, a lad, in breathless haste, as if dispatched by the + principal, entered the shop, stating that Sir. Money wanted a wig which + was in the window, with some combs and hair-brushes, for the Gentleman's + inspection, and also a pot of his Circassian cream. The bait took, the + articles + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Coves of cases—Keepers of houses of ill fame. + + 2 Camesa—A shirt or shift. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[371]</span> were packed up, and the wily cheat had + made good his retreat before the return of the coiffeur, who was not + pleased with being seduced from his home by a hoaxing letter, and less + satisfied to find that his property was diminished in his absence by the + successful artifices of a designing villain. This tale having got wind in + the neighbourhood, persons were flocking round him to advise as to the + mode of pursuit, and many were entertaining each other by relations of a + similar nature; but our heroes having their friend Merrywell in view (or + rather his interest) made the best of their way to the Lock-up-house. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0007" id="link22HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The world its trite opinion holds of those + That in a world apart these bars enclose; + And thus methinks some sage, whose wisdom frames + Old saws anew, complacently exclaims, + Debt is like death—it levels all degrees; + Their prey with death's fell grasp the bailiffs seize." +</pre> + <p> + ON entering the Lock-up House, Bob felt a few uneasy sensations at hearing + the key turned. The leary Bum-trap ushered the Gemmen up stairs, while + Tallyho was endeavouring to compose his agitated spirits, and reconcile + himself to the prospect before him, which, at the moment, was not of the + most cheering nature. + </p> + <p> + "What, my gay fellow," said Merry well, "glad to see you—was just + going to scribble a line to inform you of my disaster. Zounds! you look as + melancholy as the first line of an humble petition, or the author of a new + piece the day after its damnation." + </p> + <p> + "In truth," replied Bob, "this is no place to inspire a man with high + spirits." + </p> + <p> + "That's as it may be," rejoined Merry well; "a man with money in his + pocket may see as much Real Life in London within these walls as those who + ramble at large through the mazes of what is termed liberty." + </p> + <p> + "But," continued Tom, "it must be admitted that the views are more + limited." + </p> + <p> + "By no means," was the reply. "Here a man is at perfect liberty to + contemplate and cogitate without fear of being agitated. Here he may trace + over past recollections, and enjoy future anticipations free from the + noise and bustle of crowded streets, or the fatigue of attending + fashionable routs, balls, and assemblies. Besides which, it forms so + important a part of Life in London, that few without a residence in a + place of this kind can imagine its utility. It invigorates genius, + concentrates ingenuity, and stimulates invention." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[373]</span> "Hey dey!" said Tallyho, looking out of + the window, and perceiving a dashing tandem draw up to the door—"who + have we here? some high company, no doubt." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, you are right; that man in the great coat, who manages his cattle + with such dexterity, is no other than the king of the castle. He is the + major domo, or, in other words, the Bailiff himself. That short, + stout-looking man in boots and buckskins, is his assistant, vulgarly + called his Bum.{1} The other is a Gentleman desirous of lodging in a + genteel neighbourhood, and is recommended by them to take up his residence + here." + </p> + <p> + "What," inquired Bob, "do Bailiffs drive gigs and tandems?" + </p> + <p> + "To be sure they do," was the reply; "formerly they were low-bred fellows, + who would undertake any dirty business for a maintenance, as you will see + them represented in the old prints and caricatures, muffled up in Îreat + coats, and carrying bludgeons; but, in present Real life, you will find + them quite the reverse, unless they find it necessary to assume a disguise + in order to nibble a queer cove who proves shy of their company'; but + among Gentlemen, none are so stylish, and at the same time so + accommodating—you are served with the process in a private and + elegant way, and if not convenient to come to an immediate arrangement, a + gig is ready in the highest taste, to convey you from your habitation to + your place of retirement, and you may pass through the most crowded + streets of the city, and recognise your friends, without fear of + suspicion. Upon some occasions, they will also carry their politeness so + far as to inform an individual he will be wanted on such a day, and must + come—a circumstance which has the effect of preventing any person + from knowing the period of departure, or the place of destination; + consequently, the arrested party is gone out of town for a few days, and + the matter all blows over without any injury sustained. This is the third + time since I have been in the house that the tandem has started from the + door, and returned with a new importation." + </p> + <p> + By this time, the gig having been discharged of its cargo, was reascended + by the Master and his man, and bowl'd off again in gay style for the + further accommodation of fashionable friends, whose society was in such + high + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 See Bum-trap), page 166. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[374]</span> estimation, that no excuse or denial + could avail, and who being so urgently wanted, must come. + </p> + <p> + "'Tis a happy age we live in," said Merry well; "the improvements are + evident enough; every thing is done with so much facility and gentility, + that even the race of bailiffs are transformed from frightful and + ferocious-looking persons to the most dashing, polite and accommodating + characters in the world. He however, like others, must have his assistant, + and occasional substitute. + </p> + <p> + "A man in this happy era is really of no use whatever to himself. It is a + principle on which every body, that is any body, acts, that no one should + do any thing for himself, if he can procure another to do it for him. + Accordingly, there is hardly the most simple performance in nature for the + more easy execution of which an operator or machine of some kind' or other + is not employed or invented; and a man who has had the misfortune to lose, + or chuses not to use any of his limbs or senses, may meet with people + ready to perform all their functions for him, from paring his nails and + cutting his corns, to forming an opinion. No man cleans his own teeth who + can afford to pay a dentist; and hundreds get their livelihood by shaving + the chins and combing the hair of their neighbours, though many, it must + be admitted, comb their neighbour's locks for nothing. The powers of man + and the elements of nature even are set aside, the use of limbs and air + being both superseded by steam; in short, every thing is done by proxy—death + not excepted, for we are told that our soldiers and sailors die for us. + Marriage in certain ranks is on this footing. A prince marries by proxy, + and sometimes lives for ever after as if he thought all the obligations of + wedlock were to be performed in a similar manner. A nobleman, it is true, + will here take the trouble to officiate in the first instance in person; + but there are plenty of cases to shew that nothing is further from his + noble mind than the idea of continuing his slavery, while others can be + found to take the labour off his hands. So numerous are the royal roads to + every desideratum, and so averse is every true gentleman from doing any + thing for himself, that it is to be dreaded lest it should grow impolite + to chew one's own victuals; and we are aware that there are great numbers + who, not getting their share of Heaven's provision, may be said to submit + to have their food eat for them." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[375]</span> Tallyho laugh'd, and Dashall signified + his assent to the whimsical observations of Merrywell, by a shrug of the + shoulders and an approving smile. + </p> + <p> + "Apropos," said Merrywell—"what is the news of our friend Sparkle?" + </p> + <p> + "O, (replied Tom) he is for trying a chance in the Lottery of Life, and + has perhaps by this time gained the prize of Matrimony:{1} but what part + of the globe he inhabits it is impossible for me to say—however, he + is with Miss Mortimer probably on the road to Gretna." + </p> + <p> + "Success to his enterprise," continued Merrywell; "and if they are + destined to travel through life together, may they have thumping luck and + pretty children. Marriage to some is a bitter cup of continued misery—may + the reverse be his lot." + </p> + <p> + "Amen," responded Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "By the way," said Merrywell, "I hope you will favour me with your company + for the afternoon, and I doubt not we shall start some game within these + walls well worthy of pursuit; and as I intend to remove to more commodious + apartments within a day or two, I shall certainly expect to have a visit + from you during my abode in the county of Surrey." + </p> + <p> + "Going to College?" inquired Tom. + </p> + <p> + "Yes; I am off upon a sporting excursion for a month or two, and I have an + idea of making it yield both pleasure and profit. An occasional residence + in Abbot's Park is one of the necessary measures for the completion of a + Real Life in London education. It is a fashionable retreat absolutely + necessary, and therefore I have voluntarily determined upon it. What rare + advice a young man may pick up in the precincts of the Fleet and + </p> + <p> + 1 It has often been said figuratively, that marriage is a lottery; but we + do not recollect to have met with a practical illustration of the truth of + the simile before the following, which is a free translation of an + Advertisement in the Louisiana Gazette:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "A young man of good figure and disposition, unable though + "desirous to procure a Wife without the preliminary trouble of + "amassing a fortune, proposes the following expedient to obtain the + "object of his wishes:—He offers himself as the prize of a Lottery + "to all Widows and Virgins under 32: the number of tickets to be + "600 at 50 dollars each; but one number to be drawn from the + "wheel, the fortunate proprietor of which is to be entitled to + "himself and the 30,000 dollars."—New York, America. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[376]</span> the King's Bench! He may soon learn the + art of sharp-shooting and skirmishing." + </p> + <p> + "And pray," says Tallyho, "what do you term skirmishing?" + </p> + <p> + "I will tell you," was the reply. "When you have got as deeply in debt + every where as you can, you may still remain on the town as a Sunday-man + for a brace of years, and with good management perhaps longer. Next you + may toddle off to Scotland for another twelvemonth, and live in the + sanctuary of Holyrood House, after seeing the North, where writs will not + arrive in time to touch you. When tired of this, and in debt even in the + sanctuary, and when you have worn out all your friends by borrowing of + them to support you in style there, you can brush off on a Sunday to the + Isle of Man, where you are sure to meet a parcel of blades who will be + glad of your company if you are but a pleasant fellow. Here you may live + awhile upon them, and get in debt (if you can, for the Manx-men have very + little faith,) in the Island. From this, you must lastly effect your + escape in an open boat, and make your appearance in London as a new face. + Here you will find some flats of your acquaintance very glad to see you, + even if you are indebted to them, from the pleasures of recollection + accruing from past scenes of jollity and merriment. You must be sure to + amuse them with a good tale of a law-suit, or the declining health of a + rich old Uncle, from either of which you are certain of deriving a second + fortune. Now manage to get arrested, and you will find some, who believe + your story, ready to bail you. You can then put off these actions for two + years more, and afterwards make a virtue of surrendering yourself in order + to relieve your friends, who of course will begin to be alarmed, and feel + so grateful for this supposed mark of propriety, that they will support + you for a while in prison, until you get white-washed. In all this + experience, and with such a long list of acquaintances, it will be hard if + some will not give you a lift at getting over your difficulties. Then you + start again as a nominal Land-surveyor, Money-scrivener, Horse-dealer, or + as a Sleeping-partner in some mercantile concern—such, for instance, + as coals, wine, &c. Your popularity and extensive acquaintance will + get your Partner a number of customers, and then if you don't succeed, you + have only to become a Bankrupt, secure your certificate, and start free + again in some other line. Then <span class="pagenum">[377]</span> there + are other good chances, for a man may marry once or twice. Old or sickly + women are best suited for the purpose, and their fortunes will help you + for a year or two at least, if only a thousand or two pounds. Lastly, make + up a purse» laugh at the flats, and finish on the Continent." + </p> + <p> + "Very animated description indeed," cried Dashall, "and salutary advice, + truly." + </p> + <p> + "Too good to be lost," continued Merrywell. + </p> + <p> + "And yet rather too frequently acted on, it is to be feared." + </p> + <p> + "Probably so—" + </p> + <p> + "But mark me, this is fancy's sketch," and may perhaps appear a little too + highly coloured; but if you remain with me, we will clip deeper into the + reality of the subject by a little information from the official personage + himself, who holds dominion over these premises; and we may perhaps also + find some agreeable and intelligent company in his house." + </p> + <p> + This proposition being agreed to, and directions given accordingly by + Merrywell to prepare dinner, our party gave loose to opinions of life, + observations on men and mariners, exactly as they presented themselves to + the imagination of each speaker, and Merrywell evidently proved himself a + close observer of character. + </p> + <p> + "Places like this," said he, "are generally inhabited by the profligate of + fashion, the ingenious artist, or the plodding mechanic. The first is one + who cares not who suffers, so he obtains a discharge from his + incumberances: having figured away for some time in the labyrinths of + folly and extravagance, till finding the needful run taper, he yields to + John Doe and Richard Roe as a matter of course, passes through his degrees + in the study of the laws by retiring to the Fleet or King's Bench, and + returns to the world with a clean face, and an increased stock of + information to continue his career. The second are men who have heads to + contrive and hands to execute improvements in scientific pursuits, + probably exhausting their time, their health, and their property, in the + completion of their projects, but who are impeded in their progress, and + compelled to finish their intentions in durance vile, by the rapacity of + their creditors. And the last are persons subjected to all the casualties + of trade and the arts of the former, and unable to meet the peremptory + demands of <span class="pagenum">[378]</span> those they are indebted to; + but they seldom inhabit these places long, unless they can pay well for + their accommodations. Money is therefore as useful in a lock-up-house or a + prison as in any other situation of life. + </p> + <p> + "Money, with the generality of people, is every thing; it is the universal + Talisman; there is magic in its very name. It ameliorates all the + miserable circumstances of life, and the sound of it may almost be termed + life itself. It is the balm, the comfort, and the restorative. It must + indeed be truly mortifying to the opulent, to observe that the attachment + of their dependents, and even the apparent esteem of their friends, arises + from the respect paid to riches. The vulgar herd bow with reverence and + respect before the wealthy; but it is in fact the money, and not the + individual, which they worship. Doubtless, a philosophic Tallow-chandler + would hasten from the contemplation of the starry heavens to vend a + farthing rushlight; and it therefore cannot be wondered at that the + Sheriffs-officer, who serves you with a writ because you have not money + enough to discharge the just demands against you, should determine at + least to get as much as he can out of you, and, when he finds your + resources exhausted, that he should remove you to the common receptacle of + debtors; which however cannot be done to your own satisfaction without + some money; for if you wish a particular place of residence, or the most + trifling accommodation, there are fees to pay, even on entering a prison." + </p> + <p> + "In that case then," said Tallyho, "a man is actually obliged to pay for + going to a prison." + </p> + <p> + "Precisely so, unless he is willing to mingle with the very lowest order + of society. But come, we will walk into the Coffee-room, and take a view + of the inmates." + </p> + <p> + Upon entering this, which was a small dark room, they heard a great number + of voices, and in one corner found several of the prisoners surrounding a + Bagatelle-board, and playing for porter, ale, &c; in another corner + was a young man in close conversation with an Attorney; and a little + further distant, was a hard-featured man taking instructions from the + Turnkey how to act. Here was a poor Player, who declared he would take the + benefit of the Act, and afterwards take a benefit at the Theatre to + reestablish himself. There a Poet racking his imagination, and roving + amidst the flowers of fancy, giving a few touches by way of finish to an + Ode to Liberty, with the <span class="pagenum">[379]</span> produce of + which he indulged himself in a hope of obtaining the subject of his Muse. + The conversation was of a mingled nature. The vociferations of the + Bagatelle-players—the whispers of the Attorney and his Client—and + the declarations of the prisoner to the Turnkey, "That he would be d———d + if he did not sarve 'em out, and floor the whole boiling of them," were + now and then interrupted by the notes of a violin playing the most lively + airs in an animated and tasteful style. The Performer however was not + visible, but appeared to be so near, that Merrywell, who was a great lover + of music, beckoned his friends to follow him. They now entered a small + yard at the back of the house, the usual promenade of those who resided in + it, and found the Musician seated on one of the benches, which were + continued nearly round the yard, and which of itself formed a panorama of + rural scenery. Here was the bubbling cascade and the lofty fountain—there + the shady grove of majestic poplars, and the meandering stream glittering + in the resplendent lustre of a rising sun. The waving foliage however and + the bubbling fountain were not to be seen or heard, (as these beauties + were only to be contemplated in the labours of the painter;) but to make + up for the absence of these with the harmony of the birds and the + ripplings of the stream, the Musician was endeavouring, like an Arcadian + shepherd with his pipe, to make the woods resound with the notes of his + fiddle, surrounded by some of his fellow-prisoners, who did not fail to + applaud his skill and reward his kindness, by supplying him with rosin, as + they termed it, which was by handing him the heavy-wet as often as they + found his elbow at rest. In one place was to be seen a Butcher, who upon + his capture was visited by his wife with a child in her arms, upon whom + the melody seemed to have no effect. She was an interesting and + delicate-looking woman, whose agitation of spirits upon so melancholy an + occasion were evidenced by streaming tears from a pair of lovely dark + eyes; and the Butcher, as evidently forgetful of his usual calling, was + sympathising with, and endeavouring to soothe her into composure, and + fondling the child. In another, a person who had the appearance of an + Half-pay Officer, with Hessian boots, blue pantaloons, and a black silk + handkerchief, sat with his arms folded almost without taking notice of + what was passing around him, though a rough Sailor with a pipe in his + mouth occasionally <span class="pagenum">[380]</span> enlivened the scene + by accompanying the notes of the Musician with a characteristic dance, + which he termed a Horn-spike. + </p> + <p> + It was a fine scene of Real Life, and after taking a few turns in the + gardens of the Lock-up or Sponging-house, they returned to Merrywell's + apartments, which they had scarcely entered, when the tandem drew up to + the door. + </p> + <p> + "More company," said Merry well. + </p> + <p> + "And perhaps the more the merrier," replied Tom. + </p> + <p> + "That is as it may prove," was the reply; "for the company of this house + ace as various at times as can be met with in any other situation. + However, this appears to wear the form of one of our fashionable, + high-life Gentlemen; but appearances are often deceitful, we shall perhaps + hear more of him presently—he may turn out to be one of the + prodigals who calculate the duration of life at about ten years, that is, + to have a short life and a merry one." + </p> + <p> + "That seems to me to be rather a short career, too," exclaimed Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Nay, nay, that is a long calculation, for it frequently cannot be made to + last half the number. In the first place, the Pupil learns every kind of + extravagance, which he practises en maitre the two next years. These make + an end of his fortune. He lives two more on credit, established while his + property lasted. The next two years he has a letter of licence, and + contrives to live by ways and means (for he has grown comparatively + knowing.) Then he marries, and the wife has the honour of discharging his + debts, her fortune proving just sufficient for the purpose. Then he + manages to live a couple of years more on credit, and retires to one of + his Majesty's prisons." + </p> + <p> + By this time Mr. Safebind made his appearance, and with great politeness + inquired if the Gentlemen were accommodated in the way they wished? Upon + being assured of this, and requested to take a seat, after some + introductory conversation, he gave them the following account of himself + and his business:— + </p> + <p> + "We have brought nine Gemmen into the house this morning; and, though I + say it, no Gemman goes out that would have any objection to come into it + again." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho shrugg'd up his shoulders in a way that seemed to imply a doubt. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[381]</span> "For," continued he, "a Gemman that is + a Gemman shall always find genteel treatment here. I always acts upon + honour and secrecy; and if as how a Gemman can't bring his affairs into a + comfortable shape here, why then he is convey'd away without exposure, + that is, if he understands things." + </p> + <p> + With assurances of this kind, the veracity of which no one present could + doubt, they were entertained for some time by their loquacious Host, who, + having the gift of the gab,{1} would probably have continued long in the + same strain of important information; when dinner was placed on the table, + and they fell to with good appetites, seeming almost to have made use of + the customary grace among theatricals.{2} + </p> + <p> + "The table cleared, the frequent glass goes round, And joke and song and + merriment abound." + </p> + <p> + "Your house," said Dashall, "might well be termed the Temple of the Arts, + since their real votaries are so frequently its inhabitants." + </p> + <p> + "Very true, Sir," said Safebind, "and as the Poet observes, it is as often + graced by the presence of the devotees to the Sciences: in point of + company he says we may almost call it multum in parvo, or the Camera + Obscura of Life. There are at this time within these walls, a learned + Alchymist, two Students in Anatomy, and a Physician—a Poet, a + Player, and a Musician. The Player is an adept at mimicry, the Musician a + good player, and the Poet no bad stick at a rhyme; all anxious to turn + their talents to good account, and, when mingled together, productive of + harmony, though the situation they are in at present is rather discordant + to their feelings; but then you know 'tis said, that discord is the soul + of harmony, and they knocked up a duet among themselves yesterday, which I + thought highly amusing." + </p> + <p> + "I am fond of music," said Merry well—"do you think they would take + a glass of wine with us?" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Gift of the gab—Fluency of speech. + + 2 It is a very common thing among the minor theatricals, + when detained at rehearsals, &c. to adjourn to some + convenient room in the neighbourhood for refreshment, and + equally common for them to commence operations in a truly + dramatic way, by ex-claiming to each other in the language + of Shakespeare, + + "Come on, Macbeth—come on, Macduff, + And d——-d be he who first cries—hold, enough." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[382]</span> "Most readily, no doubt," was the + reply. "I will introduce them in a minute." Thus saying, he left the room, + and in a very few minutes returned with the three votaries of Apollo, who + soon joined in the conversation upon general subjects. The Player now + discovered his loquacity; the Poet his sagacity; and the Musician his + pertinacity, for he thought no tones so good as those produced by himself, + nor no notes—we beg pardon, none but bank notes—equal to his + own. + </p> + <p> + It will be sufficient for our present purpose to add, that the bottle + circulated 'quickly, and what with the songs of the Poet, the recitations + of the Player, and the notes of the Fiddler, time, which perfects all + intellectual ability, and also destroys the most stupendous monuments of + art, brought the sons of Apollo under the table, and admonished Dashall + and his Cousin to depart; which they accordingly did, after a promise to + see their friend Merry well in his intended new quarters.<span + class="pagenum">[383]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0008" id="link22HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "All nations boast some men of nobler mind, + Their scholars, heroes, benefactors kind: + And Britain has her share among the rest, + Of men the wisest, boldest and the best: + Yet we of knaves and fools have ample share, + And eccentricities beyond compare. + Full many a life is spent, and many a purse, + In mighty nothings, or in something worse." +</pre> + <p> + THE next scene which Tom was anxious to introduce to his Cousin's notice + was that of a Political Dinner; but while they were preparing for + departure, a letter arrived which completely satisfied the mind of the + Hon. Tom Dashall as to the motives and views of their friend Sparkle, and + ran as follows: + </p> + <p> + "Dear Dashall, + </p> + <p> + "Having rivetted the chains of matrimony on the religious anvil of Gretna + Green, I am now one of the happiest fellows in existence. My election is + crowned with success, and I venture to presume all after-petitions will be + rejected as frivolous and vexatious. The once lovely Miss Mortimer is now + the ever to be loved Mrs. Sparkle. I shall not now detain your attention + by an account of our proceedings or adventures on the road: we shall have + many more convenient opportunities of indulging in such details when we + meet, replete as I can assure you they are with interest. + </p> + <p> + "I have written instructions to my agent in town for the immediate + disposal of my paternal estate in Wiltshire, and mean hereafter to take up + my abode on one I have recently purchased in the neighbourhood of Belville + Hall, where I anticipate many pleasurable opportunities of seeing you and + our friend Tallyho surrounding my hospitable and (hereafter) family board. + We shall be there within a month, as we mean to reach our place of + destination by easy stages, and look about us. + </p> + <p> + "Please remember me to all old friends in Town, and believe as ever, + </p> + <p> + Your's truly, + </p> + <p> + "Charles Sparkle." + </p> + <p> + "Carlisle." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[384 ]</span> The receipt of this letter and its + contents were immediately communicated to young Mortimer, who had already + received some intelligence of a similar nature, which had the effect of + allaying apprehension and dismissing fear for his Sister's safety. The + mysterious circumstances were at once explained, and harmony was restored + to the previously agitated family. + </p> + <p> + "I am truly glad of this information," said Tom, "and as we are at present + likely to be politically engaged, we cannot do less than take a bumper or + two after dinner, to the health and happiness of the Candidate who so + emphatically observes, he has gained his election, and, in the true + language of every Patriot, declares he is the happiest man alive, + notwithstanding the rivets by which he is bound." + </p> + <p> + "You are inclined to be severe," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "By no means," replied Dashall; "the language of the letter certainly + seems a little in consonance with my observation, but I am sincere in my + good wishes towards the writer and his amiable wife. Come, we must now + take a view of other scenes, hear long speeches, drink repeated bumpers, + and shout with lungs of leather till the air resounds with peals of + approbation. + </p> + <p> + "We shall there see and hear the great men of the nation, Or at least who + are such in their own estimation." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Great in the name a patriot father bore, + Behold a youth of promise boldly soar, + Outstrip his fellows, clamb'ring height extreme, + And reach to eminence almost supreme. + With well-worn mask, and virtue's fair pretence, + And all the art of smooth-tongued eloquence, + He talks of wise reform, of rights most dear, + Till half the nation thinks the man sincere." +</pre> + <p> + "Hey day," said Tallyho, "who do you apply this to?" + </p> + <p> + "Those who find the cap fit may wear it," was the reply—" + </p> + <p> + I leave it wholly to the discriminating few who can discover what belongs + to themselves, without further comment." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[385]</span> By this time they had arrived at the + Crown and Anchor Tavern, in the Strand, where they found a great number of + persons assembled, Sir F. B——— having been announced as + President. In a few minutes he was ushered into the room with all due pomp + and ceremony, preceded by the Stewards for the occasion, and accompanied + by a numerous body of friends, consisting of Mr. H———, + Major C———, and others, though not equally prominent, + equally zealous. During dinner time all went on smoothly, except in some + instances, where the voracity of some of the visitors almost occasioned a + chopping off the fingers of their neighbours; but the cloth once removed, + and 'Non nobis Domine' sung by professional Gentlemen, had the effect of + calling the attention of the company to harmony. The Band in the orchestra + played, 'O give me Death or Liberty'—'Erin go brach'—'Britons + strike home'—and 'Whilst happy in my native Land.' The Singers + introduced 'Scots wha hae wi' Wallace bled'—'Peruvians wake to + Glory'—and the 'Tyrolese Hymn.' But the spirit of oratory, enlivened + by the fire of the bottle, exhibited its illuminating sparks in a blaze of + lustre which eclipsed even the gas lights by which they were surrounded; + so much so, that the Waiters themselves became confused, and remained + stationary, or, when they moved, were so dazzled by the patriotic + effusions of the various Speakers, that they fell over each other, spilt + the wine in the pockets of the company, and, by making afterwards a hasty + retreat, left them to fight or argue between each other for supposed + liberties taken even by their immediate friends. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0003" id="link2image-0003"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page385.jpg" alt="Page385 Political Dinner " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Unbridled feelings of patriotic ardour appeared to pervade every one + present; and what with the splendid oratory of the speakers, and the + deafening vociferations of the hearers, at the conclusion of what was + generally considered a good point, a sufficient indication of the feelings + by which they were all animated was evinced. + </p> + <p> + At the lower end of the table sat a facetious clerical Gentleman, who, + unmindful of his ministerial duties, was loud in his condemnation of + ministers, and as loud in his approbation of those who gave them what he + repeatedly called a good hit. But here a subject of great laughter + occurred; for Mr. Marrowfat, the Pea-merchant of Covent-Garden, and Mr. + Barrowbed, the Feathermonger of Drury Lane, in their zeal for the good + cause, arising at the same moment, big with ardour and sentiment, to + address the <span class="pagenum">[386]</span> Chair on a subject of the + most momentous importance in their consideration, and desirous to + signalize themselves individually, so completely defeated their objects by + over anxiety to gain precedence, that they rolled over each other on the + floor, to the inexpressible amusement of the company, and the total + obliteration of their intended observations; so much so, that the harangue + meant to enlighten their friends, ended in a fine colloquy of abuse upon + each other. + </p> + <p> + The bottles, the glasses, and the other paraphernalia of the table + suffered considerable diminution in the descent of these modern Ciceros, + and a variety of speakers arising upon their downfall, created so much + confusion, that our Heroes, fearing it would be some time before harmony + could be restored, took up their hats and walked. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said Dashall, as they left the house, "you have had a full view of + the pleasantries of a Political Dinner; and having seen the characters by + which such an entertainment is generally attended, any further account of + them is almost rendered useless." + </p> + <p> + "At least," replied Tallyho, "I have been gratified by the view of some of + the leading men who contribute to fill up the columns of your London + Newspapers." + </p> + <p> + "Egad!" said his Cousin, "now I think of it, there is a tine opportunity + of amusing ourselves for the remainder of the evening by a peep at another + certain house in Westminster: whether it may be assimilated, in point of + character or contents, to what we have just witnessed, I shall leave you, + after taking a review, to determine." + </p> + <p> + "What do you mean?" inquired Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Charley's, my boy, that's the place for sport, something in the old + style. The Professors there are all of the ancient school, and we shall + just be in time for the first Lecture. It is a school of science, and + though established upon the ancient construction, is highly suitable to + the taste of the moderns." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" replied Bob, "our heads are hardly in cue for philosophy after + so much wine and noise; we had better defer it to another opportunity." + </p> + <p> + "Nay, nay, now's the very time for it—it will revive the + recollection of some of your former sports; + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + For, midst our luxuries be it understood, + Some traits remain of rugged hardihood." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[387]</span> Charley is a good caterer for the + public appetite, and, to diversify the amusements of a Life in London, we + will have a little chaff among the Bear-baiters." + </p> + <p> + Tally-ho stared for a moment; then burst into laughter at the curious + introduction his Cousin had given to this subject. "I have long perceived + your talent for embellishment, but certainly was not prepared for the + conclusion; but you ought rather to have denominated them Students in + Natural History." + </p> + <p> + "And what is that but a branch of Philosophy?" inquired Dashall. "However, + we are discussing points of opinion rather than hastening to the scene of + action to become judges of facts—Allons." + </p> + <p> + Upon saying this, they moved forward with increased celerity towards + Tothill-fields, and soon reached their proposed place of destination. + </p> + <p> + On entering, Tallyho was reminded by his Cousin to button up his toggery, + keep his ogles in action, and be awake. "For," said he, "you will here + have to mingle with some of the queer Gills and rum Covies of all ranks." + </p> + <p> + This advice being taken, they soon found themselves in this temple of + torment, where Bob surveyed a motly group assembled, and at that moment + engaged in the sports of the evening. The generality of the company bore + the appearance of Butchers, Dog-fanciers and Ruffians, intermingled here + and there with a few Sprigs of Fashion, a few Corinthian Sicells, + Coster-mongers, Coal-heavers, Watermen, Soldiers, and Livery-servants. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0004" id="link2image-0004"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page387.jpg" alt="Page387 the Country Squire " + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The bear was just then pinn'd by a dog belonging to a real lover of the + game, who, with his shirt-sleeves tuck'd up, declared he was a d———d + good one, and nothing but a good one, so help him G———d. + This dog, at the hazard of his life, had seized poor Bruin by the under + lip, who sent forth a tremendous howl indicative of his sufferings, and + was endeavouring to give him a fraternal hug; many other dogs were barking + aloud with anxiety to take an active share in the amusement, while the + bear, who was chained by the neck to a staple in the wall, and compelled + to keep an almost erect posture, shook his antagonist with all the fury of + madness produced by excessive torture. In the mean time bets were made and + watches pull'd forth, to decide how long the bow-wow would bother the + ragged Russian. The Dog-breeders were chaffing each other upon the value + of their canine property, each holding his <span class="pagenum">[388]</span> + brother-puppy between his legs, till a fair opportunity for a let-loose + offered, and many wagers were won and lost in a short space of time. Bob + remained a silent spectator; while his Cousin, who was better up to the + gossip, mixt with the hard-featured sportsmen, inquired the names of their + dogs, what prices were fix'd upon, when they had fought last, and other + questions equally important to amateurs. + </p> + <p> + Bruin got rid of his customers in succession as they came up to him, and + when they had once made a seizure, it was generally by a hug which almost + deprived them of life, at least it took from them the power of continuing + their hold; but his release from one was only the signal for attack from + another. + </p> + <p> + While this exhibition continued, Tom could not help calling his Cousin's + attention to an almost bald-headed man, who occupied a front seat, and sat + with his dog, which was something of the bull breed, between his legs, + while the paws of the animal rested on the top rail, and which forcibly + brought to his recollection the well-known anecdote of Garrick and the + Butcher's dog with his master's wig on, while the greasy carcass-dealer + was wiping the perspiration from his uncovered pericranium. + </p> + <p> + Bob, who had seen a badger-bait, and occasionally at fairs in the country + a dancing bear, had never before seen a bear-bait, stood up most of the + time, observing those around him, and paying attention to their + proceedings while entertaining sentiments somewhat similar to the + following lines:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "What boisterous shouts, what blasphemies obscene, + What eager movements urge each threatening mien! + Present the spectacle of human kind, + Devoid of feeling—destitute of mind; + With ev'ry dreadful passion rous'd to flame, + All sense of justice lost and sense of shame." +</pre> + <p> + When Charley the proprietor thought his bear was sufficiently exercised + for the night, he was led to his den, lacerated and almost lamed, to + recover of his wounds, with an intention that he should "fight his battles + o'er again." Meanwhile Tom and Bob walk'd homeward. + </p> + <p> + The next day having been appointed for the coronation of our most gracious + Sovereign, our friends were off at an early hour in the morning, to secure + their seats in <span class="pagenum">[389]</span> Westminster Hall; and on + their way they met the carriage of our disappointed and now much lamented + Queen, her endeavours to obtain admission to the Abbey having proved + fruitless. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Oh that the Monarch had as firmly stood + In all his acts to serve the public good, + As in that moment of heartfelt joy + That firmness acted only to destroy + A nation's hope—to every heart allied, + Who lived in sorrow, and lamented died!" +</pre> + <p> + It was a painful circumstance to Dashall, who was seldom severe in his + judgments, or harsh in his censures. He regretted its occurrence, and it + operated in some degree to rob a splendid ceremony of its magnificence, + and to sever from royalty half its dignity. + </p> + <p> + The preparations however were arranged upon a scale of grandeur suited to + the occasion. The exterior of Westminster Hall and Abbey presented a most + interesting appearance. Commodious seats were erected for the + accommodation of spectators to view the procession in its moving order, + and were thronged with thousands of anxious subjects to greet their + Sovereign with demonstrations of loyalty and love. + </p> + <p> + It was certainly a proud day of national festivity. The firing of guns and + the ringing of bells announced the progress of the Coronation in its + various stages to completion; and in the evening Hyde Park was brilliantly + and tastefully illuminated, and an extensive range of excellent fireworks + were discharged under the direction of Sir William Congreve. We must + however confine ourselves to that which came under the view of the Hon. + Tom Dashall and his Cousin, who, being seated in the Hall, had a fine + opportunity of witnessing the banquet, and the challenge of the Champion. + </p> + <p> + A flooring of wood had been laid down in the Hall at an elevation of + fourteen inches above the flags. Three tiers of galleries were erected on + each side, covered with a rich and profuse scarlet drapery falling from a + cornice formed of a double row of gold-twisted rope, and ornamented with a + succession of magnificent gold pelmets and rosettes. The front of the door + which entered from the passage without, was covered with a curtain of + scarlet, trimmed with deep gold fringe, and looped up on each side with + <span class="pagenum">[390]</span> silken ropes. The floor, and to the + extremity of the first three steps of the Throne, was covered with a + splendid Persian-pattern Wilton carpet, and the remainder of the steps + with scarlet baize. + </p> + <p> + The canopy of the throne, which was square, was surrounded by a beautiful + carved and gilt cornice, prepared by Mr. Evans. Beneath the cornice hung a + succession of crimson-velvet pelmet drapery, each pelmet having + embroidered upon it a rose, a thistle, a crown, or a harp. Surmounting the + cornice in front was a gilt crown upon a velvet cushion, over the letters + "Geo. IV." supported on each side by an antique gilt ornament. The entire + back of the throne, as well as the interior of the canopy, were covered + with crimson Genoa velvet, which was relieved by a treble row of broad and + narrow gold lace which surrounded the whole. In the centre of the back + were the royal arms, the lion and the unicorn rampant, embroidered in the + most costly style. Under this stood the chair of state, and near the + throne were six splendid chairs placed for the other members of the royal + family. These decorations, and the Hall being splendidly illuminated, + presented to the eye a spectacle of the most imposing nature, heightened + by the brilliant assemblage of elegantly dressed personages. The Ladies + universally wore ostrich feathers, and the Gentlemen were attired in the + most sumptuous dresses. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0005" id="link2image-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page390.jpg" alt="Page390 Grand Coronation Dinner " + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + About four o'clock, his Majesty having gone through the other fatiguing + ceremonies of the day, entered the Hall with the crown upon his head, and + was greeted with shouts of "Long live the King!" from all quarters; + shortly after which, the banquet was served by the necessary officers. But + that part of the ceremony which most attracted the attention of Tallyho, + was the challenge of the Champion, whose entrance was announced by the + sound of the trumpets thrice; and who having proceeded on a beautiful + horse in a full suit of armour, under the porch of a triumphal arch, + attended by the Duke of Wellington on his right, and the Deputy Earl + Marshal on his left, to the place assigned him, the challenge was read + aloud by the Herald: he then threw down his gauntlet, which having lain a + short time, was returned to him. This ceremony was repeated three times; + when he drank to his Majesty, and received the gold cup and cover as his + fee. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[391]</span> The whole of this magnificent national + pageant was conducted throughout with the most scrupulous attention to the + customary etiquette of such occasions; and Tallyho, who had never + witnessed any thing of the kind before, and consequently could have no + conception of its splendour, was at various parts of the ceremony + enraptured; he fancied himself in Fairy-land, and that every thing he saw + and heard was the effect of enchantment. Our friends returned home highly + gratified with their day's amusement. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0009" id="link22HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Behold the Ring! how strange the group appears + Of dirty blackguards, commoners and peers; + Jews, who regard not Moses nor his laws, + All ranks of Christians eager in the cause. + What eager bets—what oaths at every breath, + Who first shall shrink, or first be beat to death. + Thick fall the blows, and oft the boxers fall, + While deaf'ning shouts for fresh exertions call; + Till, bruised and blinded, batter'd sore and maim'd, + One gives up vanquish'd, and the other lam'd. + Say, men of wealth! say what applause is due + For scenes like these, when patronised by you? + These are your scholars, who in humbler way, + But with less malice, at destruction play. + You, like game cocks, strike death with polish'd steel; + They, dung-hill-bred, use only nature's heel; + They fight for something—you for nothing fight; + They box for love, but you destroy in spite." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[392 ]</span> THE following Tuesday having been + appointed by the knowing ones for a pugilistic encounter between Jack + Randall, commonly called the Nonpareil, and Martin, as well known by the + appellation of The Master of the Rolls, from his profession being that of + a baker; an excellent day's sport was anticipated, and the lads of the + fancy were all upon the "<i>qui vive</i>." + </p> + <p> + Our friends had consequently arranged, on the previous night, to breakfast + at an early hour, and take a gentle ride along the road, with a + determination to see as much as possible of the attractive amusements of a + milling-match, and to take a view as they went along of the company they + were afterwards to mingle with. + </p> + <p> + "We shall now," said Dashall (as they sat down to breakfast) "have a peep + at the lads of the ring, and see a little of the real science of Boxing." + </p> + <p> + "We have been boxing the compass through the difficult straits of a London + life for some time," replied Bob, "and I begin to think that, with all its + variety, its gaiety, and + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[393]</span> its pride, the most legitimate joys of + life may fairly be said to exist in the country." + </p> + <p> + "I confess," said Dashall, "that most of the pleasures of life are + comparative, and arise from contrast. Thus the bustle of London heightens + the serenity of the country, while again the monotony of the country gives + additional zest to the ever-varying scenes of London. But why this + observation at a moment when we are in pursuit of fresh game?" + </p> + <p> + "Nay," said Tallyho, "I know not why; but I spoke as I thought, feeling as + I do a desire to have a pop at the partridges as the season is now fast + approaching, and having serious thoughts of shifting my quarters." + </p> + <p> + "We will talk of that hereafter," was the reply. "You have an excellent + day's sport in view, let us not throw a cloud upon the prospect before us—you + seem rather in the doldrums. The amusements of this day will perhaps + inspire more lively ideas; and then we shall be present at the masquerade, + which will doubtless be well attended; all the fashion of the Metropolis + will be present, and there you will find a new world, such as surpasses + the powers of imagination—a sort of Elysium unexplored before, full + of mirth, frolic, whim, wit and variety, to charm every sense in nature. + But come, we must not delay participating in immediate gratifications by + the anticipations of those intended for the future. Besides, I have + engaged to give the Champion a cast to the scene of action in my + barouche." + </p> + <p> + By this time Piccadilly was all in motion—coaches, carts, gigs, + tilburies, whiskies, buggies, dog-carts, sociables, dennets, curricles, + and sulkies, were passing in rapid succession, intermingled with tax-carts + and waggons decorated with laurel, conveying company of the most varied + description. In a few minutes, the barouche being at the door, crack went + the whip, and off they bowled. Bob's eyes were attracted on all sides. + Here, was to be seen the dashing Corinthian tickling up his tits, and his + bang-up set-out of blood and bone, giving the go-by to a heavy drag laden + with eight brawney bull-faced blades, smoking their way down behind a + skeleton of a horse, to whom in all probability a good feed of corn would + have been a luxury; pattering among themselves, occasionally chaffing the + more elevated drivers by whom they were surrounded, and pushing forward + their nags with all the ardour of a British <span class="pagenum">[394]</span> + merchant intent upon disposing of a valuable cargo of foreign goods on + 'Change. There, was a waggon, full of all sorts upon the lark, succeeded + by a donkey-cart with four insides; but Neddy, not liking his burthen, + stopt short on the way of a Dandy, whose horse's head coming plump up to + the back of the crazy vehicle at the moment of its stoppage, threw the + rider into the arms of a Dustman, who, hugging his customer with the + determined grasp of a bear, swore d———n his eyes he had + saved his life, and he expected he would stand something handsome for the + Gemmen all round, for if he had not pitched into their cart, he would + certainly have broke his neck; which being complied with, though + reluctantly, he regained his saddle, and proceeded a little more + cautiously along the remainder of the road, while groups of pedestrians of + all ranks and appearances lined each side. + </p> + <p> + At Hyde-Park Corner, Tom having appointed to take up the prime hammer-man, + drew up, and was instantly greeted by a welcome from the expected party, + who being as quickly seated, they proceeded on their journey. + </p> + <p> + "This match appears to occupy general attention," said Tom. + </p> + <p> + "I should think so," was the reply—"why it will be a prime thing as + ever was seen. Betting is all alive—the Daffy Club in tip-top + spirits—lots of money sported on both sides—somebody must make + a mull{1}—but Randall's the man—he is the favourite of the + day, all the world to a penny-roll." + </p> + <p> + The simile of the penny roll being quite in point with the known title of + one of the combatants, caused a smile on Dashall's countenance, which was + caught by the eye of Tallyho, and created some mirth, as it was a proof of + what has frequently been witnessed, that the lovers of the fancy are as + apt in their imaginations at times, as they are ready for the + accommodating one, two, or the friendly flush hit which floors their + opponents. + </p> + <p> + The morning was fine, and the numerous persons who appeared travelling on + the road called forth many inquiries from Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said he, "I think I recollect that the admirable author of the <i>Sentimental + Journey</i> used to read as he went along—is it possible to read as + we journey forward?" "Doubtless," replied Tom, "it is, and will produce + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Mull—Defeat, loss, or disappointment. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[395]</span> a fund of amusing speculation as we jog + on. Lavater founded his judgment of men upon the formation of their + features; Gall and Spurzheim by the lumps, bumps and cavities of their + pericraniums; but I doubt not we shall be right in our views of the + society we are likely to meet, without the help of either—do you see + that group?" + </p> + <p> + Bob nodded assent. + </p> + <p> + "These," continued Tom, "are profitable characters, or rather men of + profit, who, kindly considering the constitution of their friends, provide + themselves with refreshments of various kinds, to supply the hungry + visitors round the ring—oranges, nuts, apples, gingerbread, biscuits + and peppermint drops." + </p> + <p> + "Not forgetting <i>blue ruin and French lace</i>,"{1} said the man of + fist; "but you have only half done it—don't you see the <i>Cash-cove</i>{2} + behind, with his stick across his shoulder, <i>padding the hoof</i>{3} in + breathless speed? he has <i>shell'd out the lour</i>{4} for the occasion, + and is travelling down to keep a <i>wakeful winker</i>{5} on his + retailers, and to take care that however they may chuse to lush away the + profit, they shall at least take care of the principal. The little Dandy + just before him also acts as Whipper-in; between them they mark out the + ground,{6} watch the progress, and pocket the proceeds. They lend the + money for the others to traffic." + </p> + <p> + "I confess," said Tom, "I was not exactly up to this." + </p> + <p> + "Aye, aye, but I know the <i>Blunt-monger</i>,{7} and am up to his ways + and means," was the reply.—"Hallo, my eyes, here he comes!" + continued he, rising from his seat, and bowing obsequiously to a Gentleman + who passed them in a tandem—"all right, I am glad of it—always + good sport when he is present—no want of sauce or seasoning—he + always <i>comes it strong</i>."{8} + </p> + <p> + "I perceive," replied Tom, "you allude to the noble Marquis of W———." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 French lace—A flash or cant term for brandy. + + 2 Cash-cove—A monied man. + + 3 Padding the hoof—Travelling on Shanks's mare, or taking + a turn by the marrow-bone stage, i.e. walking. + + 4 Shell'd out the lour—Supplied the cash. + + 5 Wakeful winker—A sharp eye. + + 6 Mark out the ground—Is to place his retailers in various + parts of the Ring for the accommodation of the company, any + where he may expect to find them himself. + + 7 Blunt-monger—Money-dealer, or money-lender. + + 8 Comes it strong—No flincher, a real good one. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[396]</span> Travelling gently along the road, they + were presently impeded by a crowd of persons who surrounded a long cart or + waggon, which had just been overturned, and had shot out a motley group of + personages, who were being lifted on their legs, growling and howling at + this unforeseen disaster. A hard-featured sailor, whose leg had been + broken by the fall, brandished a splinter of the fractured limb, and swore—"That + although his timbers were shivered, and he had lost a leg in the service, + he would not be the last in the Ring, but he'd be d———d + if he mount the rubbish-cart any more." It is needless to observe his leg + was a wooden one. + </p> + <p> + Upon examining the inscription on the cart, it was found to contain the + following words:—"Household Furniture, Building Materials, and + Lumber carefully removed." As it was ascertained that no real injury had + been sustained, our party speedily passed the overturned vehicle and + proceeded. + </p> + <p> + The next object of attraction was a small cart drawn by one poor animal, + sweating and snorting under the weight of six Swells, led by an old man, + who seemed almost as incapable as his horse seemed unwilling to perform + the journey. A label on the outside of the cart intimated that its + contents was soap, which created some laughter between Tom and Bob. The + man in the front, whose Jew-looking appearance attracted attention, was + endeavouring to increase the speed of the conveyance by belabouring the + boney rump of the <i>prad</i>{1} with his hat, while some of their + pedestrian <i>palls</i>{2} were following close in the rear, and taking + occasionally a <i>drap of the cratur</i>, which was handed out behind and + returned after refreshment. + </p> + <p> + "These," said Tom to his Cousin, "are also men of profit, but not exactly + in the way of those we passed—second-rate Swells and broken-down + Gamesters, determined, as the saying is, to have a shy, even if they lose + their sticks, and more properly may be termed men of plunder; desperate in + their pursuits, they turn out with intent to make the best of the day, and + will not fail to nibble all they can come easily at." + </p> + <p> + "They are not worth the blood from a broken nose," said the Pugilist, with + a feeling for the honour of his profession which did him credit.—"They + are all prigs, their company + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Prad—A cant term for a horse. + + 2 Palls—Partners, accomplices, colleagues. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[397]</span> spoils all genteel society, and + frequently brings disgrace upon others with whom they are unworthy to + associate, or even to be seen—there's no getting rid of such gentry. + Is it not d———d hard a man can't have a pleasant bit of + a turn-up, without having his friends filched?—But here comes the + gay fellows, here they come upon the trot, all eager and anxious to mark + the first blow, start the odds, and curry the coal.{1} These are the lads + of life—true lovers of the sport—up to the manouvre—clear + and quick-sighted, nothing but good ones—aye aye, and here comes + Bill Gibbons, furnished with the fashionables." + </p> + <p> + "What do you call the fashionables?" inquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Why, the Binders." + </p> + <p> + Here he was as much at a loss as ever, which the other perceiving, he + continued—"The Binders are the stakes and ropes, to fence in the + Ring." + </p> + <p> + Bill Gibbons, who was well known on the road, and was speeding down pretty + sharp, was followed by crowds of vehicles of all descriptions; as many to + whom the place of meeting was but conjectured, upon seeing him felt + assured of being in the right track. Here were to be seen the Swells in + their tandems—the Nib Sprigs in their gigs, buggies, and dog-carts—and + the Tidy Ones on their trotters, all alive and leaping. Mirth and + merriment appeared spread over every countenance, though expectation and + anxiety were intermingled here and there in the features of the real lads + of the fancy; many of whom, upon this very interesting occasion, had bets + to a considerable amount depending upon the result of the day. The bang-up + blades were pushing their prads along in gay style, accompanied by two + friends, that is to say, a biped and a quadruped. The queer fancy lads, + who had hired hacks from the livery-stable keepers, were kicking up a + dust, and here and there rolling from their prancers in their native soil; + while the neck or nothing boys, with no prospect but a whereas before + their eyes, were as heedless of their personal safety as they were of + their Creditor's property. Jaded hacks and crazy vehicles were to be seen + on all sides—here lay a bankrupt-cart with the panels knock'din, and + its driver with an eye knock'd out, the horse lamed, and the concern + completely knock'd up, just before the period when the hammer of the + Auctioneer was to be called in, and his effects knock'd down. There was + another + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Curry the coal—Make sure of the money. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[398]</span> of the same description, with a + harum-scarum devil of a half-bred, making his way at all risks, at a full + gallop, as unmanageable in his career as his driver had been in his + speculations; dust flying, women sprawling, men bawling, dogs barking, and + the multitude continually increasing. Scouts, Scamps, Lords, Loungers and + Lacqueys—Coster-mongers from—To the Hill Fields—and The + Bloods from Bermondsey, completely lined the road as far as the eye could + reach, both before and behind; it was a day of the utmost importance to + the pugilistic school, as the contest had excited a most unparalleled + degree of interest! + </p> + <p> + It would be scarcely possible to give a full and accurate description of + the appearances as they went along; imagination would labour in vain, and + words are altogether incapable of conveying a picture of the road to this + memorable fight; the various instances in which they could discover that + things were not all right were admirably contrasted by others, where care + and good coachmanship, with a perfect management of the bloods, proved the + reverse—while the single horsemen, whose hearts were really engaged + in the sport, were picking their way with celerity, and posting to the + point of attraction.—The public-houses were thronged to excess, and + the Turnpike-keepers made a market of the mirth-moving throng. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0006" id="link2image-0006"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page398.jpg" alt="Page398 Road to a Fight " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Our party arrived in the neighbourhood of Copthorne about half-past + twelve, where all was bustle and confusion. The commissary in chief, Mr. + Jackson, being out of town, some of the subalterns, who had taken the + command <i>pro tempore</i>, had, for divers weighty reasons,principally + founded on a view to the profits of certain of the Surrey Trusts, and to + accommodate the sporting circles at Brighton, fixed the combat to take + place in a meadow belonging to a farmer named Jarvis, near this place. + </p> + <p> + On this spot accordingly the ring was formed, and an immense mass of all + descriptions of vehicles was admitted, not much, it may naturally be + supposed, to the prejudice of the owner of the premises, whose agents were + praise-worthily active in levying proper contributions. Some Gentlemen + however in the neighbourhood, observing that the strictest delicacy was + not maintained towards the sacredness of their fences, insisted that the + place was too confined, and intimated that a move must be made, or they + should make application to the Magistrates; and at the same time suggested + Crawley Downs, the site of so <span class="pagenum">[399]</span> many + former skirmishes, as the most convenient spot for their accommodation. + </p> + <p> + In this state of things, a move immediately took place, and a fresh ring + was established on the spot alluded to; but, in effecting this new + lodgment, much mortification was experienced, not alone by those, who, + after a dreadful drag up one of the worst by-roads in England, had + obtained a comfortable situation, but by those, who, speculating on the + formation of the ring, had expended considerable sums in the hire of + waggons for their purpose from the surrounding farmers. The waggons it was + found impossible to move in due time, and thus the new area was composed + of such vehicles as were first to reach the appointed ground. + </p> + <p> + The general confusion now was inconceivable, for, notwithstanding the + departure of connoisseurs from Jarvis's Farm, Martin still maintained his + post, alleging, that he was on the ground originally fixed, and that he + should expect Randall to meet him there; in which demand he was supported + by his backers. This tended to increase the embarrassment of the amateurs; + however, about one, Randall arrived at Crawley Downs, in a post-chaise, + and took up his quarters at a cottage near the ground, waiting for his + man; and at two, General Barton, who had just mounted his charger, + intending to consult the head-quarters of the Magistrates, to ascertain + their intention in case of proceeding to action at Jarvis's Farm, was + suddenly arrested in his progress by an express from the Martinites, + announcing that their champion had yielded his claim to the choice of + ground, and was so anxious for the mill, that he would meet Randall even + in a saw-pit. Bill Gibbons arriving soon after, the Ring, with the + assistance of many hands, was quickly formed; by which time, Tom and Bob + had secured themselves excellent situations to view the combat. + </p> + <p> + About twenty minutes before three, Randall entered the outer Ring, + attended by General Barton and Mr. Griffiths. He was attired in a + Whitehall upper Benjamin, and <i>threw his hat into the Ring</i> amidst + loud applause. In a few minutes after, Martin approached from an opposite + direction, accompanied by Mr. Sant and Mr. Elliott; he was also warmly + greeted. + </p> + <p> + The men now passed the ropes, and were assisted by their immediate friends + in peeling for action. Martin was <span class="pagenum">[400]</span> + attended by Spring and Thurton; Randall, by Harry Holt and Paddington + Jones. + </p> + <p> + The men stript well, and both appeared to be in excellent health, good + spirits, and high condition; but the symmetry of Randall's bust excited + general admiration; and the muscular strength of his arms, neck, and + shoulders, bore testimony to his Herculean qualities; the whole force of + his body, in fact, seem'd to be concentrated above his waistband. Martin + stood considerably above him, his arms were much longer, but they wanted + that bold and imposing weight which characterized those of Randall. They + walked up to the <i>scratch</i>, and shook hands in perfect good + fellowship. Every man now took his station, and the heroes threw + themselves into their guard. + </p> + <p> + It was rumoured that Martin intended to lose no time in manoeuvring, but + to go to work instanter. This however he found was not so easily to be + effected as suggested, for Randall had no favour to grant, and was + therefore perfectly on his guard. He was all wary caution, and had clearly + no intention of throwing away a chance, but was evidently waiting for + Martin to commence. Martin once or twice made play, but Randall was not + skittishly inclined, all was "war hawk." Randall made a left-handed hit to + draw his adversary, but found it would not do. Martin then hit right and + left, but was stopped. Randall was feeling for Martin's wind, but hit + above his mark, though not without leaving one of a red colour, which told + "a flattering tale." Randall returned with his left, and the men got to a + smart rally, when Randall got a konker, which tapped the claret. An almost + instantaneous close followed, in which Randall, grasping Martin round the + neck with his right arm, and bringing his head to a convenient posture, + sarved out punishment with his left. This was indeed a terrific position. + Randall was always famous for the dreadful force of his short left-handed + hits, and on this occasion they lost none of their former character. + Martin's nob was completely in a vice; and while in that hopeless + condition, Randall fibbed away with the solid weight of the hammer of a + tuck-mill. His aim was principally at the neck, where every blow told with + horrible violence. Eight or ten times did he repeat the dose, and then, + with a violent swing, threw Martin to the ground, falling on him as he; + went with all his weight. The Ring resounded with applause, and Jack + coolly took <span class="pagenum">[401]</span> his seat on the knee of his + Second. Martin's friends began to look blue, but still expected, the fight + being young, there was yet much to be done. + </p> + <p> + All eyes were now turned to Martin, who being lifted on Spring's knee, in + a second discovered that he was done. His head fell back lifeless, and all + the efforts of Spring to keep it straight were in vain. Water was thrown + on him in abundance, but without effect: he was, in fact, completely + senseless; and the half-minute having transpired, the Nonpareil was hailed + the victor. + </p> + <p> + Randall appeared almost without a scratch, while poor Martin lay like a + lump of unleavened dough; he was removed and bled, but it was some time + before he was conscious of his defeat. + </p> + <p> + Nothing could exceed the astonishment which so sudden and complete a + finish to the business produced. The round lasted but seven minutes and a + half, of which four minutes and a half had elapsed before a blow was + attempted. Thus ended one of the most extraordinary battles between two + known game men on the pugilistic records. Very heavy bets had been made + upon it in all parts of the kingdom. One gentleman is said to have had + five thousand pounds, and another one thousand eight hundred guineas. The + gains of the conqueror were supposed to be about a thousand pounds. + </p> + <p> + The amusements of the day were concluded by a second fight between Parish + and Lashbroke, which proved a manly and determined contest for upwards of + an hour, and in which the combatants evinced considerable skill and + bravery, and was finally decided in favour of Parish. All amusement which + might have been derived from this spectacle, however, was completely + destroyed by the daring outrages of an immense gang of pickpockets, who + broke in the Ring, and closed completely up to the ropes, carrying with + them every person, of decent appearance, and openly robbing them of their + watches, pocket-books and purses. And the lateness of the hour, it being + five o'clock, and almost dark, favoured the depredators. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of this struggle, Tom Dashall had nearly lost his fancy + topper,{1} and Tallyho was secretly eased of his clicker.{2} From the + scene of tumult and confusion they were glad to escape; and being again + safely seated in the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Topper—A flash term given to a hat. + + 2 Clicker—A flash term given to a watch, +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[402]</span> barouche, they made the best of their + way home; in doing which, they found the roads almost as much clogg'd as + they were in the morning. The Randallites were meritorious, and, flushed + with good fortune, lined the public-houses on the road to <i>wet their + whistles</i>, singing and shouting his name in strains to them equally + inspiring as + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "See the conquering hero comes! + Sound your trumpets, beat your drums;" +</pre> + <p> + while the Martinites rolled along the road in sullen silence; and, by the + time they reached town, an account of the Battle was hawking about the + streets, and songs singing to the praise of the successful combatant in + all the melodious cadences of a last dying speech and confession: such is + the promptitude of London Printers, Poets, and News-venders. + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Dashall, as they re-entered the house, "the events of this + day have completely disappointed some of the knowing ones." + </p> + <p> + "That may be," replied Bob, "but they have been too knowing for me, + notwithstanding your previous instructions. However, I don't regret seeing + the humours of a Prize Ring; and the next time you catch me there, I must + take a lesson from the man of profit, and keep a wakeful winker on the + possibles. Really, I could not help feeling astonished at the immense + number of persons assembled on such an occasion." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0007" id="link2image-0007"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page402.jpg" alt="Page402 a Private Turn-up " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "Zounds!" said Tom, "'tis the real centre of attraction, the thing, the + tippy, and the twig, among the Lads of the Fancy. Why, it is pretty + generally known, through the medium of the newspapers, that a certain + Nobleman paid the debts of one of these Pugilists, amounting to 300L. that + he might be released from Newgate in order to fight a prize battle; and it + is not long since that the Marquis of T—ed—e, whilst + entertaining a large party, after dinner introduced the subject with so + much effect, that a purse of 100 guineas was subscribed among them for a + turn up between two of the <i>prime hammermen</i>; who, being introduced, + actually set-to in his drawing-room for the amusement of his friends. Nor + is it less true, that this sporting Nobleman gloriously took up the + conqueror, (as the saying is) and evinced his patronage and his power at + once, by actually subduing his antagonist, proving to certitude, that if + his Lordship would but practise this sublime art, he <span class="pagenum">[403]</span> + could hardly fail of adding to his present title that of the Champion of + England! It is the theme of constant conversation, and in many cases there + is more anxiety about contests of this sort than there is about the + arrival of a Monarch on the Irish coast among the lads of <i>praties</i>, + whiskey, and buttermilk—thoughts are busy, energies are active—and + money in galore is circulated upon it." + </p> + <p> + Bob laughed heartily at these observations of his Cousin upon what he + termed the sublime art. + </p> + <p> + "You don't appear to enter into the spirit of it," continued Tom; "but I + can assure you, it is a very animating subject, and has occupied the + attention of all classes, from the peer to the prelate, the peasant and + the pot-boy; it is said that one of the lower order of ranting Preachers, + not many miles from Bolton-on-the-Moors, lately addressed his auditory in + the following metaphorical language, accompanied with striking and + appropriate attitudes:—'I dare say, now, you'd pay to see a + boxing-match between Randall and Turner, or Martin—yet you don't + like to pay for seeing a pitched-battle between me and the Black Champion + Beelzebub. Oh! my friends, many a hard knock, and many a cross-buttock + have I given the arch bruiser of mankind—aye, and all for your dear + sakes—pull—do pull off those gay garments of Mammon, strike + the devil a straight-forward blow in the mouth, darken his spiritual + daylights. At him manfully, give it him right and left, and I'll be your + bottle-holder—I ask nothing but the money, which you'll not forget + before you go.' " + </p> + <p> + "The true spirit moved him," said Bob, "and a very laudable one too; but + he very emphatically deprecated the votaries of Mammon." + </p> + <p> + "Certainly, he being called, would have been unworthy of his calling if he + had not." + </p> + <p> + This conversation was carried on over a glass of generous wine, and, + dwindling into indifferent subjects, is not necessary to be detailed; + suffice it to say, that, fatigued with the day's exertions, they sought + repose in the arms of Morpheus at an early hour, determined on the pursuit + of fresh game with the dawn of the morning.<span class="pagenum">[404]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0010" id="link22HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "See yonder beaux, so delicately gay; + And yonder belles, so'deck'd in thin array— + Ah! rather see not what a decent pride + Would teach a maiden modestly to hide; + The dress so flimsy, the exposure such, + "twould almost make a very wanton blush. + E'en married dames, forgetting what is due + To sacred ties, give half clad charms to view. + What calls them forth to brave the daring glance, + The public ball, the midnight wanton dance? + There many a blooming nymph, by fashion led, + Has felt her health, her peace, her honour fled; + Truss'd her fine form to strange fantastic shapes, + To be admir'd, and twirl'd about by apes; + Or, mingling in the motley masquerade, + Found innocence by visor'd vice betrayed." +</pre> + <p> + AN agreeable lounge through the Parks in the morning afforded them an + opportunity of recalling in idea the pleasures of the past Real Life in + London, of which Tallyho had been enabled to partake, and during which he + again signified a desire to change the scene, by a departure at an early + period for his native vales, to breathe, as he observed, the + uncontaminated air of the country—to watch the wary pointer, and + mark the rising covey—to pursue the timid hare, or chase the cunning + fox; and Dashall finding him inflexible, notwithstanding his glowing + descriptions of scenes yet unexplored, at length consented to accompany + him to Belville Hall, upon condition that they should return again in a + month. This mode of arrangement seemed perfectly satisfactory to Bob; and + a view of the Panorama and a peep at the Tennis Court would have finished + their rambles for the day, but at the latter place of amusement and + healthful exercise, meeting with young Mortimer, a further developement of + facts relative to Sparkle and his Bride transpired; in which it appeared + that they had arrived at their place of destination, and had forwarded an + invitation to his brother-in-law to <span class="pagenum">[405]</span> pay + them an early visit, and who proposed starting in a few days. + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Dashall, "we will all go together, and no doubt with our old + friend Sparkle we shall be able to endure the unchanging prospects of a + country life." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "In the Country how blest, when it rains in the fields, + To feast upon transports that shuttle-cock yields; + Or go crawling from window to window, to see + An ass on a common, a crow on a tree. + + In the Country you're nail'd, like some pale in your park, + To some stick of a neighbour, crammed into the ark; + And if you are sick, or in fits tumble down, + You reach death ere the Doctor can reach you from town." +</pre> + <p> + "Never mind," cried Tallyho, "a change of scene will no doubt be useful, + and, at all events, by enduring the one, we may learn more judiciously to + appreciate the other." + </p> + <p> + "True," said Tom, "and I shall like myself all the better for being in + good company. But pray, Mr. Mortimer, what do you mean to do at the + approaching masquerade?" + </p> + <p> + "Not quite decided yet," was the reply. + </p> + <p> + "You go, of course?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly—as Orpheus, or Apollo. But pray what character do you + intend to sustain?" + </p> + <p> + "That's a secret—" + </p> + <p> + "Worth knowing, I suppose—well, well, I shall find you out, never + fear." + </p> + <p> + "Time's a tell-tale," said Dashall, "and will most likely unfold all + mysteries; but I always think the life and spirit of a masquerade is much + injured by a knowledge of the characters assumed by friends, unless it be + where two or more have an intention of playing, as it were, to, and with + each other; for where there is mystery, there is always interest. I shall + therefore propose that we keep to ourselves the characters in which we + mean to appear; for I am determined, if possible, to have a merry night of + it." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "On the lightly sportive wing, + At pleasure's call we fly; + Hark! they dance, they play, they sing, + In merry merry revelry; + Hark! the tabors lively beat, + And the flute in numbers sweet, + Fill the night with delight + At the Masquerade. + Let the grave ones warn us as they may, + Of every harmless joy afraid; + Whilst we're young and gay, + We'll frolic and play + At the Masquerade." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[406]</span> Tom's observations upon this subject + were in perfect accordance with those of. Mortimer and Tallyho; though he + had intended to consult his Cousin as to the character he should appear + in, he now determined to take his own direction, or to have advice from + Fentum in the Strand, whose advertisements to supply dresses, &c. he + had observed in the newspapers. + </p> + <p> + These preliminaries being decided upon, as far as appeared needful at the + moment, Mortimer departed towards home, where he expected to meet his + Uncle upon his return from the chase after the fugitives, Sparkle and Miss + Mortimer, now Mrs. Sparkle; and Tom and Bob to Piccadilly, where a select + party of Dashall's friends were invited to dinner, and where they enjoyed + a pleasant evening, drank rather freely, and had but little to regret + after it, except certain qualmish feelings of the head and stomach the + next morning. + </p> + <p> + The anticipated Masquerade had been the principal subject of conversation, + so long as reason held her sway; but the hard exercise of the arm, and the + generosity of the wine, had an early and visible effect upon some of the + party, who did not separate till a late hour, leaving Bob just strength + and intelligence enough to find the way to his dormitory. + </p> + <p> + By the arrival of the appointed evening for the grand Masquerade at + Vauxhall Gardens, Tom Dashall, who had a particular view in keeping his + intended proceedings a secret, had arranged all to his wishes, and + anticipated considerable amusement from the interest he should take in the + safety of his Cousin, whom he entertained no doubt of quickly discovering, + and with whom he determined to promote as much mirth as possible. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho, in the mean time, had also made occasional calls upon Merrywell + in his confinement, and, under his direction, been preparing for the + occasion, equally determined, if possible, to turn the laugh on his + Cousin; <span class="pagenum">[407]</span> and it must be acknowledged, he + could scarcely have found a more able tutor, though he was doomed rather + to suffer by his confidence in his instructor, as will hereafter be seen; + for, in escaping the intended torment of one, he was unexpectedly + subjected to the continual harassing of another. + </p> + <p> + It was about half after eleven o'clock, when Tallyho, duly equipped in his + country costume, as a Huntsman, entered this splendid and spacious scene + of brilliancy. The blaze of light which burst upon him, and the variety of + characters in constant motion, appeared almost to render him motionless; + and several of the would-be characters passed him with a vacant stare, + declaring he was no character at all! nor was he roused from his lethargic + position till he heard a view halloo, which seemed to come from a distant + part of the Garden, and was so delivered, as actually to give him an idea + of the party being in pursuit of game, by growing fainter towards the + close, as if receding from him. The sound immediately animated him, and + answering it in a truly sportsman-like style, he burst from his situation, + and cracking his whip, at full speed followed in the direction from which + it came, under the impression that he knew the voice of Dashall, and + should discover him. In his speed, however, he was rather rudely attacked + by a small dandy personage, whose outward appearance indicated some + pretensions to manhood, with a "Demmee, Sir, how dare you be rude to my + voman! for egad I shall have you clapped in the Round-house—here, + Vatchman, take this here man in charge—Vatch! Vatch!" The voice + however soon told him he had a lady to deal with, and he entered into a + long harangue by way of apology. This not being acceptable to the offended + party, he was surrounded by a host of Charleys springing their rattles all + at once, and, notwithstanding the dexterous use of his whip, he was + obliged to yield. At this moment, Tallyho was again sounded in his ears, + issuing from another quarter; but his struggles to pursue the party from + whom it came were ineffectual. A rough-hewn Sailor with a pipe in his + mouth, and an immense cudgel in his hand, however, arrived to his + assistance, accompanied by an Irish Chairman in a large blue coat, and a + cock'd hat bound with gold lace, armed with a chair-pole, who effected his + liberty; and he again scoured off in pursuit <span class="pagenum">[408]</span> + of his friend, but without success. He now began to think his situation + not altogether so pleasant as he could wish. He listened to every voice, + examined every form that passed him in rapid succession; yet he felt + himself alone, and determined not to be led away by sounds such as had + already occupied his attention, but rather to look about him, and notice + the eccentricities with which he was surrounded. Sauntering along in this + mood, he was presently assailed by a voice behind him, exclaiming, "Bob— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Bob, if you wish to go safely on, + Tarn round about, and look out for the Don." +</pre> + <p> + Upon hearing this, he turned hastily around, and encountered a group of + Chimney-sweepers, who immediately set up such a clatter with their brushes + and shovels, dancing at the same time in the true May-day style round him + and a strapping Irish fish-woman, that he was completely prevented from + pursuit, and almost from observation, while a universal laugh from those + near him bespoke the mirth his situation excited; and the Hibernian + damsel, with true Irish sympathy, attempted to allay his chagrin by + clasping him in her brawny arms, and imprinting on his ruddy cheek a kiss. + This only served to heighten their merriment and increase his + embarrassment, particularly as his <i>Cher ami</i> swore she had not had a + buss like it since the death of her own dear dead and departed Phelim, the + last of her four husbands, who died of a whiskey fever, bawling for + pratees and buttermilk, and was waked in a coal-shed. + </p> + <p> + This mark of the Lady's favour was not so favourably received by Tallyho, + and, determined to make his escape, he gave Moll a violent fling from him, + overturned her and her basket, knock'd down two of the Chimney-sweepers, + and then with a leap as if he had been springing at a five-barred gate, + jumped over his late companion, who lay sprawling among the flue-fakers, + and effected his purpose, to the inexpressible amusement of those, who, + after enjoying a hearty laugh at him, now transferred their risibility to + those he left behind. Finding himself once more unshackled, he smack'd his + whip with enthusiasm, and repeated his Tallyho with increased effect; for + it was immediately answered, and, without waiting for its final close, he + found the person from whom it was <span class="pagenum">[409]</span> + proceeding to be no other than a Turk, who was precipitately entering one + of the rooms, and was as quickly recognized by him to be the Hon. Tom + Dashall. The alteration which a Turkish turban and pelisse had effected in + his person, would however have operated as an effectual bar to this + discovery, had he not seized him in the very moment of vociferation; and + although his Cousin had been the chief cause of the adventures he had + already met with, he had at the same time kept an eye upon Bob, and been + equally instrumental in effecting his release from embarrassment. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Tom, "I am for a little gig in the Room—how long have + you been here?—I thought I should find you out, very few can + disguise themselves from me; we will now be spectators for half an hour, + and enjoy the mirth excited by others." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," rejoined Bob, "for I am almost as tired already as if + I had spent a whole day in a fox-chase, and have run as many risks of my + neck; so that a cool half hour's observation will be very acceptable." + </p> + <p> + They had scarcely entered the Room, as a Priscilla Tomboy passed them at + full speed with a skipping-rope, for whose accommodation every one made + way; and who, having skipped round the room to shew her fine formed ancle + and flexibility of limbs, left it for a moment, and returned with a large + doll, which she appeared as pleased with as a child of eight or ten years + of age. A Jemmy Jumps assured Tom, that his garments were altogether + unsuitable to the nation in which he was residing, and recommended that he + should not exist another day without that now very fashionable appendage + of a Gentleman's dress called stays—An excellent Caleb Quotem, by + his smartness of repartee and unceasing volubility of speech in recounting + his labours of a day—"a summer's day," as the poet says, afforded + much amusement by his powers of out-talking the fribble of a Staymaker, + who, finding himself confused by his eternal clack, fled in search of + another customer. A Don Quixote was conferring the honour of knighthood on + a clumsy representative of the God of Love, and invoking his aid in + return, to accomplish the object of finding his lost Dulcinea. An + outlandish fancy-dressed character was making an assignation with a Lady, + who, having taken the veil and renounced the sex, kindly consented to + forego <span class="pagenum">[410]</span> her vows and meet him again; + while a Devil behind her was hooking the cock'd-hat of the gay deceiver to + the veil of the Nun, which created considerable laughter, for as they + attempted to separate, they were both completely unmasked, and discovered, + to the amazement of Tallyho, two well-known faces, little expected there + by him—no other than Merrywell as the Dandy Officer, and his friend + Mr. Safebind as the Nun. The exposure rather confused them, while Tom and + Bob joined the merry Devil in a loud burst of laughter—they however + bustled through the room and were quickly lost. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0008" id="link2image-0008"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page410.jpg" alt="Page410 Masquerade " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + A French <i>Frisseur</i>, without any knowledge of the language of the + nation from which he appeared to come, could only answer a question <i>a + la Françoise</i> from the accomplished Tom Dashall, by a volume of scented + powder from his puff, which being observed by a Chimney-sweeper, was + returned by dust of another colour from his soot-bag, till the + intermixture of white and black left it difficult to decide which was the + Barber and which the Sweep. They were now suddenly attracted by a + grotesque dance between a Clown of the Grimaldi school and a fancy Old + Woman in a garment of patch-work made in an ancient fashion. A red nose, + long rows of beads for ear-rings, and a pair of spectacles surmounted by a + high cauled-cap, decorated with ribbons of various hues, rendered her the + most conspicuous character in the room: and notwithstanding her + high-heeled shoes, she proved herself an excellent partner for the Clown. + </p> + <p> + By this time, Bob, who was anxious to carry his plan into execution, began + to be fidgetty, and proposed a walk into the open air again. As they left + the room, his ears were attracted by the following song by a Watchman, + which he could not help stopping to catch, and which afforded his Cousin + an excellent opportunity of giving him the slip: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Fly, ye prigs,{1} for now's the hour, + (Tho' boosey kids{2} have lost their power,) + When watchful Charleys,{3} like the Sun, + Their nightly course of duty run + Beneath the pale-faced moon; + + 1 Prigs—Pickpockets. + + 2 Boosey kids—Drunken men. + + 3 Charleys—A cant term for watchmen. + + But take this warning while ye fly, + That if you nibble, click,{1} or clye,{2} + My sight's so dim, I cannot see, + Unless while you the blunt{3} tip me: + Then stay, then stay; + For I shall make this music speak,{4} + And bring you up before the Beak,{5} + Unless the chink's in tune. + + Now, ye rambling sons of night, + Or peep-o'-day boys{6} on your flight, + Well prim'd with Jack or Child Tom's juice, + While you the silver key{7} produce, + Your safety then is clear. + But snuffy,{8} and not up to snuff,{9} + You'll And your case is queer enough; + Shell out the nonsense;{10} half a quid{11} + Will speak more truth than all your whid:{12} + + Then go, then go; + For, if you linger on your way, + You'll for my music dearly pay, + I'll quod you, never fear." +</pre> + <p> + Turning round with laughter from this character, who had attracted many + hearers, he look'd in vain for Dashall, and was not displeased to find he + had fled. He therefore hastily withdrew from the scene of merriment, and + according to the instructions previously received, and for which he had + prepared, quickly changed his dress, and appeared again in the character + of a Judge, under the impression hinted by his counsellor, that the + gravity of his wig and gown, with a steady countenance, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Click—A contraction of the word clicker, for a watch. + + 2 Clye—A pocket-handkerchief. + + 3 Blunt—Money. + + 4 Music—Alluding to the rattle. + + 5 Beak—A magistrate. + + 6 Peep-o'-day boys—Staunch good ones—reeling home after + the frolics of the night. + + 7 Silver key—Money which is thus termed, as it is supposed + to open all places, and all hearts. + + "If you are sick and like to die, + And for the Doctor send, + Or have the cholic in your eye, + Still money is your friend—is it not?" + + 8 Snuffy—Drunk. + + 9 Up to Snuff—-Elevation of ideas. + + 10 Shell out the nonsense—To pay money. + + 11 Half a quid—Half a guinea. + + 12 Whid—Words or talk. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[412]</span> would be a quiet and peaceable part to + get through, and shield him from the torment of those whom Bob suspected + willing to play tricks with him should he be discovered. Here however he + again found himself at fait, for he had scarcely entered the Gardens, + before a host of depredators were brought before him for trial. The + Charleys brought in succession, drunken Fiddlers, Tinkers and Barbers; and + appeals were made to his patience in so many voices, and under so many + varying circumstances, that Justice was nearly running mad, and poor + Tallyho could find no chance of making a reply. An uproar from the + approaching crowd, announced some more than ordinary culprit; and, in a + moment, who should appear before him but a Don Giovanni, and the hooking + Devil, Here was a fine case for decision; the Devil claimed the Don as his + property, and addressed the Representative of Justice as follows:— + </p> + <p> + "Most learned and puissant Judge! + </p> + <p> + "Protect my rights as you would the rights of man; I claim my property, + and will have my claim allowed." + </p> + <p> + "Hold," replied Bob, "if that is the case, you have no occasion to appeal + to me—begone, black wretch, and in thy native shades yell forth thy + discordant screams." + </p> + <p> + "Most righteous Judge!—a second Daniel!" cried a bearded Shylock, + with his knife and scales, "he shan't escape me—I'll have my bond—so + bare his bosom 'next the heart'—let me come near him." + </p> + <p> + "This is playing the Devil, indeed," said the Don. + </p> + <p> + "By the Powers!" cried a 'Looney Mackwolteb,' "he's jump'd out of the fire + into the frying-pan; and, when the Smouchee has done wid him, he may be + grill'd in his own fat." + </p> + <p> + At this moment, a Leporello, who caught the last words of the Irishman, + burst into the presence of the Judge, singing— + </p> + <p> + "Zounds, Sir, they'll grill you now, lean or fat, I know what games you + were always at, And told you before what harm you would hatch: Now the old + Gentleman's found you out, He'll clap us all in the round-about; Let us be + off, ere they call for the Watch." + </p> + <p> + The word Watch was re-echoed in a thousand voices; the vociferations of + the callers, the noise of the rattles, <span class="pagenum">[413]</span> + and the laughter of those immediately surrounding the judgment-seat, + offered so good an opportunity for escape, that Giovanni, determining to + have another chance, burst from the grasp of the arch enemy of mankind, to + pursue his wonted vagaries, to the no small gratification of Bob, who, + without actually acquitting the prisoner, rejoiced at his own escape. + </p> + <p> + He had however scarcely time to congratulate himself, before he was + annoyed by a Postman, in the usual costume, whom he had already seen + delivering letters to the company; the contents of which appeared to + afford considerable amusement; and who, presenting a letter addressed to + The Lord Chief Justice Bunglecause, in a moment disappeared. Breaking open + the envelope, he read with astonishment the following lines:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Tho' justice prevails + Under big wigs and tails, + You've not much of law in your nob; + So this warning pray take, + Your big wig forsake, + And try a more modern scratch, Bob." +</pre> + <p> + "Go along Bob—Lord Chief Justice Bob in a scratch," cried a Waterman + at his elbow, (who had heard him reading) in a voice loud enough to be + heard at some distance. + </p> + <p> + "There he'll be at home to a hair," squeaked a little finicking + personification of a modern Peruquier, sidling up to him, picking his + teeth with a tortoise-shell comb. + </p> + <p> + Bob, in bursting hastily away, under the reiterated cries of "Go along Bob—Lord + Chief Justice Bob," with the idea of overtaking the Postman, found himself + in a moment lock'd in the close embraces of a Meg Merrilies; while a + little bandy-legg'd representative of the late Sir Jeffery Dunstan, + bawling out, Ould wigs, Ould wigs, made a snatch at the grave appendage of + Justice, and completely dismantled the head of its august representative. + This delayed him in his progress, but it was merely to witness the wig + flying in the air, with as much mirth to the surrounding company as when + the greasy night-cap of the Rev. George Harvest was toss'd about the pit + at the theatre, each one giving it a swing who could get within reach of + it. Thus mutilated in his <span class="pagenum">[414]</span> apparel, and + probably conceiving, according to the song, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The wig's the thing, the wig, the wig, + The wisdom's in the wig," +</pre> + <p> + Bob Tallyho took flight into a dressing-room, declaring justice was abroad + and propriety not at home. He was however rather at a loss, as in his last + character he had not been able to meet with the Turk, but determined to + resume the search in a 'Domino. Having therefore equipped himself as a + spectator, he again sallied forth with intention to explore the room, and + for a time remained comparatively unmolested; but as he could no where + find his Cousin, he strolled indiscriminately among the characters, + viewing whatever appeared amusing or interesting in his way. The fineness + of the weather greatly animated the scene, and gave increased brilliancy + and effect to the illuminations, which were disposed in a numerous variety + of splendid devices, representing national trophies, stars, wreaths, and + crowns of laurel. It was the first moment he had found an opportunity of + viewing the place in which he had been acting. + </p> + <p> + The amusements of the evening were judiciously varied, and protracted by a + constant succession of entertainments of various descriptions. Mr. Chalons + exhibited many of his most surprising deceptions in the rotunda; where + also young Gyngell displayed some capital performances on the slack-wire. + In the long room the celebrated fantoccini exhibition, with groupes of + quadrille dancers, enlivened the scene. In one walk of the garden, Mr. + Gyngell's theatre of arts was erected, where were exhibited balancing, the + <i>Ombres Chinoises</i>, gymnastic exercises, and other feats, and Mr. + Gyngell performed several airs on the musical glasses; in another, + Punchinello delighted the beholders with his antics; in a third a very + expert Juggler played a variety of clever tricks and sleight-of-hand + deceptions, and a couple of itinerant Italians exhibited their musical and + mechanical show-boxes; in another part of the gardens the celebrated + Diavolo Antonio went through his truly astonishing evolutions on the <i>corde + volante</i>. The Duke of Gloucester's fine military band occupied the + grand orchestra; an excellent quadrille band played throughout the night + in the long room, while a Scottish reel band in the rotunda, and <span + class="pagenum">[415]</span> a Pandean band in the gardens, played + alternately reels, waltzes, and country dances. + </p> + <p> + This interval of peace was truly acceptable to Bob, and he did not fail to + make the most of it, roving like the bee from one delight to another, + sipping pleasure as he went, almost regretting he had not taken the last + dress first, though he was every now and then importuned by Mendicants and + Servant girls, very desirous to obtain places of all work. The + introduction of a Dancing Bear, who appeared to possess more Christian + qualities than his Leader, attracted his attention; but, in pressing to + the scene of action, he received a floorer from a Bruiser in gloves, who + mill'd indiscriminately all who came in his way, till the Bear took the + shine out of him by a fraternal embrace; and his Leader very politely + asked those around which they thought the greater bear of the two. Upon + rising, Bob found himself in the hands of two itinerant Quack Doctors, + each holding an arm, and each feeling for his pulse. One declared the case + was mortal, a dislocation of the neck had taken place, and there was no + chance of preserving life except by amputation of the head. The other + shook his head, look'd grave, pull'd out his lancet, and prescribed + phlebotomy and warm water. + </p> + <p> + Bob, who had received no injury, except a little contusion occasioned by + the blow, seized the ignorant practitioners by the throat, and knocking + their heads together, exclaimed with a stentorian voice, + </p> + <p> + "Throw physic to the clogs, I'll none on't." "Go along Bob," was repeated + again, as loud and as long as before; he however burst from those around + him in pursuit of fresh game; nor was he disappointed, for he presently + found a dapper young Clergyman in gown and surplice, and who, with book in + hand, was fervently engaged in exhortations and endeavours to turn from + the evil of their ways a drunken Sailor and a hardened thief, (the Orson + of the Iron Chest,) when the group were surrounded by a detachment of the + Imps and Devils of Giovanni in London, a truly horrid and diabolical crew, + who, by their hideous yells, frantic capers, violent gestures, and the + flaring of their torches, scared the affrighted Parson from his task, made + his intended penitents their own, and became an almost intolerable <span + class="pagenum">[416]</span> nuisance to the rest of the company for the + remainder of the evening. + </p> + <p> + While he was thus engaged, the supper-boxes were thrown open, and the + company appeared to be all on the move towards the more substantial + entertainments of the evening. He was next suddenly detained by a Jew + Pedlar, who was anxious to shew him his wares. + </p> + <p> + "Get out, Smouchee," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Ant is dat all vat you can say to a poor honesht Jew, what vants to live + by his 'trade, for vye you trow my religionsh in my teeth? I'm so honesht + vat I never cheats nobody—vill you puy a gould———l + Vat you take for your gown? I shall puy or sell, it's all the same to me. + </p> + <p> + "Now whatsoever country by chance I travel through, 'Tis all the same to + I, so the monies but comes in; Some people call me tief, just because I am + a Jew; So to make them tell the truth, vy I tinks there is no sin. So I + shows them all mine coots vid a sober, winning grace, And I sometimes + picks dere pockets whilst they're smiling in my face." + </p> + <p> + Bob laugh'd, but declared he'd have nothing to do with him. + </p> + <p> + "Then," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "you may go along Bob." + </p> + <p> + "What! is it possible? I have been looking for you these two hours." + </p> + <p> + "I can't eat pork," said Dashall, resuming his character. + </p> + <p> + "Come along," said Bob, happy to find his relation; and catching him by + the arm, they proceeded to refreshment, and partook of an excellent supper + of cold viands plentifully supplied, and accompanied with a profusion of + ices and jellies, served up in a style highly creditable to the managers. + </p> + <p> + Here they were joined by Mortimer, who had been as frolicsome as any imp + in the Gardens, in the character of the Devil, but who had lost sight of + the Dandy Officer and the Nun, whom he had so ingeniously hooked together. + The wine was good, and after enjoying their repast, Tom and Mortimer + enshrined themselves in dominos for the remainder of the evening. The + usual masquerade frolics and dancing were afterwards continued, and about + five in the morning they left this region of fun, mirth and good humour.<span + class="pagenum">[417]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0011" id="link22HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + That Life is a picture of strange things and ways, + A grand exhibition, each hour displays; + And for London there's no place can with it compare, + 'Tis a jumble of every thing curious and rare. + Cheap-side Bustlers—Fleet Street Hustlers, + Jockeys, Doctors—Agents, Proctors, + Bow Street Slangups—Bond Street Bangups, + Hide and Seekers—Opera Squeakers, + Lawyers, Tailors—Bailiffs, Jailors, + Shopmen, Butlers—Alderman Gutters, + Patriot Talkers—Sunday Walkers, + Dancers, Actors—Jews, Contractors, + Placemen, Croakers—Boxers, Brokers, + Swindlers, Coroners—Spies, and Foreigners, + And all, all to keep up the bubble of strife, + And prove ways and means—is the picture of Life. +</pre> + <p> + THE bustle and merriment of the Masquerade were long remembered in the + mind of Bob Tallyho, and furnished frequent conversations between him and + his Cousin; and the laughable occurrences of the evening, in which they + had been engaged, were re-enjoyed in recollection, notwithstanding the + preparations they were making for an excursion of another kind in the + country, which though not exactly to the taste of Dashall, was inflexibly + persevered in by Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + Tom tried every effort in his power to prolong the appointed period of + departure in A'ain. The heart and mind of his Cousin appeared to be + occupied with anticipated delights, which he described in the most glowing + colours of imagination. The healthful fields, the enlivening fox chase, + and the sportive exercises of a country life, were detailed with ecstacy; + and though last, not least, the additional zest for the more attractive + scenes (in Tom's idea) that would present themselves for inspection upon a + return to the Metropolis. At length it was finally arranged that their + country excursion should not exceed <span class="pagenum">[418]</span> one + month in duration, and that they would leave London time enough to reach + Belville Hall on or before the first day of September. + </p> + <p> + Dashall, after consenting to this arrangement, finding there was not much + time to spare, was anxious to improve it in the pursuit of such lively and + interesting amusements as chance and accident might throw in their way. + "Come," said he, a few mornings after the masquerade, "it must not be said + that you have been so long in London without viewing as many of its + important curiosities as the time would admit; though I am sure we shall + not have an opportunity of glancing at all those I could point out, and I + am pretty sure that persons from the country frequently see more in a few + days residence in the Metropolis, than those who have inhabited it for + their whole lives. We will therefore take a stroll out, without any + determined line of pursuit, and survey what chance may bring in our way; + for the places deserving of particular inspection are so numerous, and lay + in so many directions, that it is scarcely possible for us to turn round + without finding some objects and subjects yet in store. + </p> + <p> + Thus saying, and taking the arm of his Cousin, they walked along + Piccadilly in a direction for the City; for as it was a clear morning, + Tom, although he had not mentioned the road he meant to take, still had an + object in view. + </p> + <p> + "It is certainly much to be deplored," said he, as they were just entering + Leicester Square by Sydney's Alley, "that the abominable nuisance of + barrows being driven on the pavement cannot be removed; it is a great + shame that lusty and able fellows should be wheeling foul linen, hogwash, + and other filthy articles along the street, to the annoyance and + inconvenience of pedestrians." + </p> + <p> + "I am of your opinion," replied his Cousin; "but during the short time I + have been here, I have discovered many other equally objectionable + annoyances. There is, for instance, the carrying of milk pails, which, + unless great care is taken, are so likely to break people's shins; and in + dirty weather the trundling of boys' hoops, to the discomfiture of many a + well-dressed Lady." + </p> + <p> + At this moment a butcher was passing with a tray heavily loaded, and Bob + narrowly escaped a blow from the projecting corner, which immediately + induced him to add that to the number of what he termed street <span + class="pagenum">[419]</span> grievances, and almost to overturn both the + carrier and his load. + </p> + <p> + "A lucky escape," said Dashall, "for you might have lost an eye by coming + in contact with that tray, and I wonder a stop is not put to the + probability of such fatal accidents. It is related that a certain City + Alderman, whose constitution, it may be presumed, is rather of a + combustible nature, by the alarms he spread during his mayoralty, of the + intention to burn the City of London, and destroy all its peaceable + inhabitants, thrashed a butcher who ran against him in the public street. + This it must be admitted was a summary mode of punishment, although it was + not likely to remove the nuisance; but there are still many that are not + enumerated in your list. Both by day and night in the most frequented + streets of the Metropolis and its environs, the unoffending passengers of + either sex are frequently obstructed on, or absolutely pushed off the + pavement by a trio of arm-in-arm puppies; nay they will sometimes sweep + the whole of the space from the wall to the curb stone, by walking four + abreast, a practice brutally infringing the laws of civil society in + pedestrian excursions through a crowded Metropolis. + </p> + <p> + "I have however with pleasure, upon some occasions, seen these vile + trespassers meet with a just resentment in the unexpected pugilistic + exertions of the insulted party; and have almost rejoiced to see them + packed into a coach and sent home with bruises, black eyes, and bloody + noses, serving, it is to be hoped, as wholesome lessons for their future + conduct. In some cases duels have arisen from this violation of decorum in + the King's highway, and by this means, scoundrels have been admitted to + the undeserved honour of being met on a level by gentlemen. + </p> + <p> + "These," continued he, "are the polite encroachers on the pavé.. There + are, however, many others, but of a less censurable, though certainly of a + finable description; such as journeymen bakers wheeling barrows conveying + the staff of life—publicans' boys collecting pewter pots—lady + drivers of similar vehicles, containing oysters, inferior or damaged + fruit, delicate prog for pug dogs, cats, &c. + </p> + <p> + "After all, the most prominent offenders, or at least obstructors of the + public way, in my opinion, are those sturdy John Bulls, brewers' servants, + by means of ropes <span class="pagenum">[420]</span> and pulleys affixed + to their drays, lowering down beer into, or drawing up empty casks from + the cellars of public-houses. Now although this may be unavoidable, ask + one of these bluff bipeds to let you pass, the consequence frequently will + be, instead of rough civility, an insolent reply accompanied with vulgar + oaths; in short, a torrent of abuse, if not a shove into the kennel; + perhaps a grimy rope thrown against your white stockings. Private, + emolument and convenience certainly ought to give way to public + accommodation." + </p> + <p> + "Confound that dustman's bell," said Bob, as they passed down Wych-street; + "it is as bad as any thing we nave mentioned yet; it absolutely deafens + one." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, if you call noises nuisances, we may go on with a list from this time + to this day month, and scarcely comprehend them. The cries of London are + many of them very laughable, and many very lamentable, and by way of + contrast to the deafening dustman, take care of the bespatterings from the + mud cart. The garlick-eating rogues, the drivers of these inconvenient + conveniences, grinning horribly their ghastly smiles, enjoy a most + malicious pleasure in the opportunities which chance affords them, of + lending a little additional decoration from the contents of their carts, + by way of embellishment to a cleanly dressed passenger. Therefore keep, if + possible, at such a respectful distance as to avoid the effects of this + low envy, and steer clear of the mudlarks." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had passed through the line of leading thoroughfares, + and had St. Paul's in their view, when Tom took occasion to remark, "He + was sorry the scaffolding was not removed, or," continued he, "we would + soon have mounted above these petty considerations, and looked down upon + the world. However, we can take a tolerable survey of the metropolis from + the Monument, and as it is not much farther, we may as well extend our + walk to that celebrated pillar, said to be one of the finest in the world, + and erected by Sir Christopher Wren in memory of the great fire which in + 1666 broke out at a house on the spot, and destroyed the metropolis from + Tower Hill to Temple Bar. From this pillar you will have a fine panoramic + view of London, Westminster, and Southwark; and as we are about to leave + its noise, its bustle, and its inconveniences in a day or two, we may as + well take a general survey." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[421]</span> Bob having signified his consent to + this proposal, they made the best of their way to the Monument, where + having deposited the customary entrance money with the door-keeper, they + were allowed to ascend by the winding staircase to the top, when a + prospect was presented to the eye of Tallyho, of which he could not have + formed any previous conception. The view of the river as far as the eye + could reach, each way, the moving of the boats, the bustle and activity of + the streets, and the continued hum which arose to their ears, formed + altogether a subject of delightful contemplation; while the appearance of + being as it were suspended in the air, rendered it awful and terrific. Bob + had almost grown giddy in his ascension, and for some time took care to + keep a fast hold of the iron railings at top, in order to secure himself + from falling; till Dashall drew from his pocket a telescope, and directed + his attention to Greenwich Hospital, Shooter's Hill, and the public + buildings at a distance, where they were scarcely discernible by the naked + eye. Bob was delighted with the view of Greenwich Hospital, and the + account which his Cousin gave him of the establishment; and upon + descending they took a complete walk round this celebrated pillar, marking + its decorations and reading the inscription. + </p> + <p> + "It is," said Tom, "a fluted column of the Doric order; the total height + is 202 feet, the diameter at the base 15 feet, and the height of the + column 120 feet; the cone at the top, with its urn, are 42 feet; the + height of the massy pedestal is 40 feet; there are 345 steps inside; but," + continued he, ''it is really a great pity that this beautiful Monument + should be in such a confined situation, for in a proper place it would + form one of the most striking objects of the kind that architecture is + capable of producing. + </p> + <p> + "The inscription, it is true," continued Dashall, "had better be erased, + it contains a libel, or more properly a lie, which almost contradicts + itself, for no rational being can entertain the notion that the Catholics, + or indeed any religious sect, could wilfully have perpetrated so horrible + a deed as this pillar was intended to impute to them; nor can so much + credit be given to human foresight as for it to be concluded that a fire, + which broke out in a single house, could upon this, rather than upon other + occasions, have extended its ravages in so extraordinary a manner.— + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[422]</span> While we arc on the spot we will take a + peep at a curious piece of antiquity; not that I am so great a lover of + such curiosities, but it would appear almost unpardonable for you to have + been in London without seeing London Stone." + </p> + <p> + "I have heard of it," said Tallyho, "and if we are near, let us have a + view." + </p> + <p> + "Come on then," said Dashall; "This same London Stone is at present fixed + close under the south wall of St. Swithin's Church, Cannon Street. It has + by some been supposed of British origin, a kind of solemn boundary, or + some other object probably of a religious nature, which through every + change and convulsion of the State has been preserved with reverential + care. But this is the very place," said he. + </p> + <p> + Bob stared about him with surprise, to discover this curious and + apparently valuable relic, without finding it, till at length his Cousin + directed his attention to the spot, which at present is under a + pitching-block, or resting-place for persons carrying heavy loads, and + almost burst into laughter, for he had raised his Cousin's expectation by + the previous description. + </p> + <p> + "How!" said Tallyho, "and is this your curiosity?" + </p> + <p> + "Even so," replied Tom, "that is the celebrated London Stone; it formerly + stood nearer the middle of the street, was placed deep in the ground, and + strongly fixed with iron bars. According to account, the first mention of + it was in the reign of Ethelstan, king of the West Saxons, and it has been + usually viewed by our antiquaries as a military stone, from which the + Romans began the computation of their miles, a conjecture which certainly + appears very reasonable, not only from the discovery of the Roman road + after the year 1666, running directly to this stone from Watling Street, + but from the exact coincidence which its distance bears with the + neighbouring station, mentioned in Antonine's Itinerary, the principal of + whose Journeys either begin or end with London." + </p> + <p> + The sound of a horn interrupted this conversation. + </p> + <p> + "Apropos," said Tom, "we can take the Post Office in our way, a place of + considerable importance; so allons." + </p> + <p> + They now pursued their way to Lombard Street. + </p> + <p> + "This collection of buildings," said Dashall, as they entered, "important + as its concerns are to the nation, claims no praise as a building. It + stands behind Lombard <span class="pagenum">[423]</span> Street, from + which, on the south side of the street, there is a passage leading to it, + under an arched gateway. + </p> + <p> + "A plan has, however, been adopted for erecting a building worthy of this + great establishment, on the site now called St. Martin's-le-grand, and to + improve the access to it by pulling down the east ends of Newgate Street + and Paternoster-Row. It is now proceeding rapidly. + </p> + <p> + "The Post-office system is, however, one of the most perfect regulations + of finance and convenience existing under any government. It has gradually + been brought to its present perfection, being at first in the hands of + individuals, and replete with abuses. In its present form it not only + supplies the government with a great revenue, but accomplishes that by + means highly beneficial to the persons contributing. + </p> + <p> + "The Post-office is the most important spot on the surface of the globe. + It receives information from all countries; it distributes instructions to + the antipodes; it connects together more numerous and distant interests of + men than any similar establishment. It is in the highest degree hitherto + realized, the seat of terrestrial perception and volition—the brain + of the whole earth; and hitherto it has been in a narrow valley, misshapen + even to deformity, and scarcely accessible to the few mail coaches which + collect there for their nightly freights. + </p> + <p> + "The present Post-office was erected in 1660; but great additions have + been made to it from time to time, though the whole is disjointed and + inconvenient. + </p> + <p> + "The mode of carrying letters by the General Post was greatly improved a + few years since, by a most admirable plan, invented by Mr. Palmer. + Previously to its adoption, letters were conveyed by carts, without + protection from robbery, and subject to delays. At present they are + carried, according to Mr. Palmer's plan, by coaches, distinguished by the + name of mail-coaches, provided with a well-armed guard, and forwarded at + the rate of eight miles an hour, including stoppages. Government contracts + with coach-keepers merely for carrying the mail, the coach-owner making a + profitable business besides, of carrying passengers and parcels. It is not + easy to imagine a combination of different interests to one purpose, more + complete than this. The wretched situation, however, of the horses, on + account of the length of the stages which they are frequently driven, is a + disgrace to the character <span class="pagenum">[424]</span> of the + British nation, and requires the interference of the legislature. No stage + should exceed twelve miles in length. + </p> + <p> + "The rapidity of this mode of conveyance is unequalled in any country, and + the present rate of charge for each passenger is little more than sixpence + per mile. + </p> + <p> + "Houses having boxes, for receiving letters before five o'clock, are open + in every part of the Metropolis; and after that hour bell-men collect the, + letters during another hour, receiving a fee of one 'penny for each + letter. But, at the General Post-office, in Lombard Street, letters are + received till seven o'clock: after which time, till half an hour after + seven, a fee of sixpence must be paid; and from half after seven till a + quarter before eight, the postage must also be paid, as well as the fee of + sixpence." + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Tallyho, "for a place of such public utility and constant + resort, I must confess I expected to see a building of the most + magnificent kind; but I am also puzzled to conceive how such extensive + business can be carried on with so much regularity as it is." + </p> + <p> + "Your observation," replied his Cousin, "exactly coincides with that of + many others; but you will some day or other be as much surprised on other + subjects, for there are places in London where mercantile and legal + business is conducted in situations of obscurity, of which you can have no + conception; but as a national establishment, though its internal + regulations are good, its external appearance is no recommendation to it. + But come, let us proceed towards home, I have a call or two to make on the + road, for as we depart quickly for the open fields, and are to bid adieu + to London smoke as well as London Stone, we have but little time to spare, + so let us post away." + </p> + <p> + Bob, alive to this subject, did not require a second hint, but taking the + arm of Dashall, they proceeded along Cheapside, made a call at Mortimer's, + the Gun-smith's on Ludgate hill, provided themselves with all necessary + shooting apparatus; and Tom, ever mindful of the variety which he + conceived would be needful to render rusticity agreeable on their way, + purchased a pair of boxing gloves, a backgammon board, and other amusing + articles, to provide, as he said, against a rainy day. + </p> + <p> + On arrival at home, they were presented with a letter from Sparkle, + announcing his arrival at his new mansion, and expressing a hope that he + should have the pleasure of <span class="pagenum">[425]</span> meeting his + friends within a day or two; expatiating with great apparent delight upon + the happiness of his own situation, and promising lots of amusement, in + detailing to them the events of his peregrinations. This operated as an + additional spur to the speed of their departure, and it was agreed that + they should start the next morning. + </p> + <p> + "I don't know," said Bob, "whether I should really like a continued Life + in London; I have seen many of its comforts and many of its + inconveniences." "Then," replied Tom, "you may certainly, by the exercise + of your reason, and the decision of your judgment, upon mature reflection, + strike the balance; and if you do not give it in favour of the former, I + shall entertain doubts upon your sagacity." + </p> + <p> + "Well," continued Bob, "I shall now have a fine opportunity for drawing + out a distinct account, and when done, I will submit the result to your + inspection." + </p> + <p> + Every thing being prepared, they were on the road to Belville Hall at an + early hour the next morning. + </p> + <p> + As the occurrences of a Country excursion, or the delineation of a Country + Life, form no part of the intended plan of this Work, we shall not enter + into any detailed account; but leaving our Heroes in the pursuit of fresh + game, under new circumstances, and in somewhat new situations, bear in our + minds their intended return, to engage, contemplate, and enjoy a future + review of the complicated, yet ever new and ever varying scenes of a Real + Life in London, with a determination to meet them on arrival, and not lose + sight of them in their future rambles. + </p> + <p> + END OF VOL. I. <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="London_spines (64K)" src="images/London_spines.jpg" /> <br /> + <br /> + </div> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="titlpage_vol2 (87K)" src="images/titlpage_vol2.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + REAL LIFE IN LONDON, VOLUME II. + </h1> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Detailed Contents + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Chapter I. + + A return to the metropolis, 2. Instance of exorbitant + charges, 3. Field-marshal Count Bertrand, 4. Lines on the + late Napoleon, 5. A mysterious vehicle, 6. The devil in Long + Acre, 7. The child in the hay, 8. A family triumvirate, 9. + Egyptian monuments, 10. Relations of Gog and Magog + discovered, 11. The Theban ram, 12. Egyptian antiquities, + 13. Egyptian mummies, &c. 14. Curiosities of the museum, 15. + Statues of Bedford and Fox, 16. The knowing one deceived, + 17. Covent Garden Market, 18. Miss Linwood's exhibition, 19. + + Chapter II. + + Tothill-fields Bridewell, 20. Perversion of justice, 21. A + laudable resolution, 22. Success and disappointment, 23. A + story out of the face, 24. A critical situation, 25. A hair- + breadth escape, 26. Kidnappers, or crimps, 27. Summary + justice averted, 28. Swindling manoeuvres, 29. Estates, &c. + in nubibus, 30. Fetters and apathy, 31. Urchin thief + picking-pockets, 32. Juvenile depravity, 33. + + Chapter III. + + Life in St. George's Fields, 34. Chums—Day rules, &c. 35. + Hiring a horse—A bolter, 36. Characters of Abbot's priory, + 37. Introductory sketch, 38. The flying pieman, 39. + Commercial activity, 40. A cutting joke, 41. Magdalen + Hospital, 42. Curious anecdote, 43. Surrey Theatre, &c, 44. + Admixture of characters, &c. 45. + + Chapter IV. + + Entry to Abbott's park, 46. A world within walls, 47. + Finding a friend at home, 48. Exterior of the chapel, 49. A + finish to education, 50. The walking automaton, 51. The + parliamentary don, 52. The tape merchant, &c. 53. A morning + in the Bench, 54. Prison metamorphoses, 55. Friendly + congratulations, 56. Preparations for a turn to, 57. The + college cries, 58. Another real character, 59. A mutual + take-in, 60. A college dinner, 61. Free from college rules, + 62. A heavy-wet party, 63. Keeping the game alive, 64. An + agreeable surprise, 65. Harmony disturbed, 66. + + Chapter V. + + London munificence, 67. Vauxhall Bridge, 68. Millbank + Penitentiary, 69. Metamorphoses of time, 70. Cobourg + Theatre, 71. Retrospection, 72. Intellectual progress, 73. + Wonders of the moderns, 74. Bridge-Street association, 75. + Infidel pertinacity, 76. City coffee house, 77. St. Paul's + Cathedral, 78. Clockwork and great bell, 79. Serious + cogitations disturbed, 80. A return homeward, 81. + + Chapter VI. + + Westminster Abbey, 82. Monuments—Poets' corner, 83. Henry + Seventh's chapel, 84. Interesting prospect, 85. Fees exacted + for admission, 86. Westminster Hall—Whitehall, 87. Sir + Robert Wilson, 88. Temptations to depredation, 89. Sympathy + excited, 90. A sad story strangely told, 91. Fleet Street— + Doctor Johnson, 92. Fleet Market, 93. The market in an + uproar, 94. The rabbit pole-girl, 95. Princess of + Cumberland, 96. Doubts of royal legitimacy, 97. Mud-larks, + picking up a living, 98. The boil'd beef house, 99. A + spunger, 100. Gaol of Newgate, 101. Jonathan Wild's + residence, 102. Entering the Holy Land, 103. The Holy Land, + 104. Salt herrings and dumplings, 105. Deluge of beer, 106. + Mrs. C*r*y, 107. Andrew Whiston, 108. + + Chapter VII. + + A dinner party, 109. Complimentary song, 110. Irish posting, + 111. Extraordinary robbery, 112. Follies of fashion—ennui, + 113. A set-to in a gambling house, 114. A nunnery—the Lady + abbess, 115. Life in a cellar, 116. Advantageous offer + rejected, 117. "Bilge water not whiskey," 118. Aqua fortis + and aqua fifties, 119. A quarrel—appeal to justice, 120. + Finale of a long story, 121. + + Chapter VIII. + + An unexpected visitor, 122. Private accommodations, 123. The + hero of Waterloo, 124. "The lungs of the metropolis," 125. + How to cut up a human carcass. 126. Resurrectionists, 127. A + perambulation of discovery, 128. Irish recognition, 129. A + discovery—Mother Cummings, 130. Wife hunting, 131. + Elopement, 132. Female instability, 133. Manouvres Return to + town, 134. Making the most of a good thing, 135. Ingenious + female shop-lifter, 136. + + Chapter IX. + + Thieves of habit and necessity, 137. A felicitous meeting, + 138. Shopping—Ludicrous anecdote, 139. A tribute of + respect, 140. Royal waxworks, Fleet Street, 141. Sir Felix + as Macbeth, 142. Irish love, 143. Apathy in the midst of + danger, 144. "No wassel in the lob," 145. The bear at + Kensington Palace, 146. + + Chapter X. + + A change of pursuits, 147. Almack's Rooms, 148. A fancy- + dress ball, 149. Selection of partners, 150. Family + portraits, 151. A rout and routed, 152. Pleasures of + matrimony, 153. The discomfited Virtuoso, 154. + + Chapter XI. + + Frolics of Greenwich fair, 155. Dr. Eady—Wall chalking, + 156. Packwood and puffing, 157. Greenwich Hospital, 158. + Greenwich pensioners, 159. Veterans at ease, 160. The old + commodore, 161. "Fought his battles o'er again," 162. The + Chapel—Hall, &e. 163. + + Chapter XII. + + An early hour in Piccadilly, 164. Cleopatra's needle, 165. A + modest waterman, 166. Interesting scenery, 167. Philosophy + in humble life, 168. Southwark Bridge, 169. London Bridge- + The Shades, 170. Itinerant musicians, 171. "Do not leave + your goods," 172. Riches of Lombard Street, 173. Mansion + House, 174. Curious case in justice room, 175. A reasonable + proposition, 176. + + Chapter XIII. + + An hour in the Sessions House, 177. A piteous tale of + distress, 178. Low life, 179. Serious business, 180. A + capture, 181. Johnny-raws and green-horns, 182. Decker the + prophet, 183. A devotee in danger, 184. + + Chapter XIV. + + A morning at home, 185. High life, 186. Converting felony + into debt, 187. Scene in a madhouse, 188. Apathy of + undertakers, 189. A provident undertaker, 190. A bribe + rejected, 191. Antiquated virginity, 192. Arrangements for + Easter, 193. A Sunday morning lounge, 194. Setting out for + Epping hunt, 195. Involuntary flight, 196. Motley groups on + the road, 197. Disasters of cockney sportsmen, 198. A + beautiful crature of sixty, 199. Tothill-fields fair, 200. + Whimsical introduction, 201. Ball at the Mansion-House, 202. + + Chapter XV. + + Guildhall, 203. Palace Yard—Relieving Guard, 204. The + regions below, 205. An old friend in the dark, 206. Seeing + clear again, 207. A rattler, 208. + + Chapter XVI. + + Civic festivity, 209. Guildhall, 210. Council chamber— + Paintings, 211. City public characters, 212. A modern + Polyphemus, 213. A classic poet, 214. Rhyming contagious, + 215. Smithfield prad-sellers, 216. Jockeyship in the east, + 217. A peep at the Theatre, 218. The Finish, Covent Garden, + 219. Wags of the Finish, 220. Smoking and joking, 222. + + Chapter XVII. + + A morning visit, 223. The fine arts, 224. Public + exhibitions, 225. Living artists, 226. Horse Guards— + Admiralty, 227. Westminster Bridge, 228. Promenade Rooms, + 229. Improvements in the Park, 230. Ludicrous anecdote, 231. + A crazy fabric, 232. Regal splendour, 233. Marlborough + House, 234. Limmer's Hotel, 235. Laconic prescription, 236. + How to take it all, 237. How to get a suit of clothes, 238. + Ingenious swindling, 239. Talent perverted, 240. + + Chapter XVIII. + + The Harp, Drury Lane, 241. Wards of city of Lushington, 242. + The social compact, 243. A popular election, 244. Close of + the poll, 245. Oratorical effusions, 246. Harmony and + conviviality, 247. Sprees of the Market, 248. A lecture on + heads, 249. A stroll down Drury Lane, 250. A picture of real + characters, 251. "The burning shame," 253. Ludicrous + procession, 254. + + Chapter XIX. + + An old friend returned, 255. A good object in view, 256. An + alarming situation, 257. Choice of professions, 258. Pursuit + of fortune, 259. Advantages of law, 260. A curious law case, + 261. Further arrangements, 262. + + Chapter XX. + + St. George's day, 263. Royalty on the wing, 264. Progress to + the levee, 265. An unfortunate apothegm, 266. How to adjust + a quarrel, 267. Wisdom in wigs, 268. A classical + acquaintance, 269. Royal modesty, 270. Ludicrous anecdote, + 271. A squeeze in the drawing-room, 272. Pollution of the + sanctorum, 273. Procession of mail coaches, &c. 274. A + parody, 275. Two negatives make a positive, 276. Remarkable + anecdote, 277. Marrow-bones and cleavers, 278. The king and + the laureat, 279. A remonstrance, 280. Hint at retrenchment, + 281. + + Chapter XXI. + + Diversity of opinions, 282. A fresh start, 283. A critique + on names, 284. The Cafe Royale, Regent Street, 285. A + singular character, 286. Quite inexplicable, 287. + Development, 288. Aquatic excursion, 289. A narrow escape, + 290. Tower of London, 291. The lost pilot found, 295. River + gaiety, 296. Rowing match, 297. + + Chapter XXII. + + The tame hare, 298. Ingenuity of man, 299. London sights and + shows, 300. Automaton chess player, 301. South sea bubble, + 302. New City of London tavern, 303. Moorfields, 304. + Epitaph collector, 305. Monumental gleanings, 307. + Voluminous collectors, 309. A horned cock, 310. + Extraordinary performance, 311. Female salamander, 312. + Regent's Canal, 313. Anecdote of a gormandizer, 314. Eating + a general officer alive, 315. A field orator, 316. + + Chapter XXIII. + + Munster simplicity, 317. A visit to an astrologer, 318. A + peep into futurity, 319. Treading-mill, 320. An unexpected + occurrence, 321. The sage taken in, 322. Statue of ill luck, + 323. A concatenation of exquisites, 324. How to walk the + streets, 325. How to make a thoroughfare, 326. Dog stealers, + 327. Canine knavery, 328. A vexatious affair, 329. How to + recruit your finances, 330. A domestic civic dinner, 331. + The very respectable man, 332. + + Chapter XXIV. + + Vauxhall Gardens, 334, Various amusements, 335. Sober + advice, 336. Fashionable education, 337. University + education, 338. Useful law proceedings, 339. How to punish a + creditor, 340. Exalted characters, 341. Profligacy of a + peer, 342. Mr. Spankalong, 343. Other characters of ton, + 344. Sprig of fashion, 345. An everlasting prater, 346. And + incorrigible fribble, 347. Kensington Gardens and Park, 348. + Statue of Achilles, 349. + + Chapter XXV. + + A medley of characters, 353. Fashionables, 354. More + fashionables, 355. More life in St. Giles's, 356. + Reconnoitring—a discovery, 357. Tragedy prevented, 358. + Fat, fair, and forty, 359. Philosophic coxcombs, 360 Blanks + in society, 361. + + Chapter XXVI. + + A ride, 362. Exceptions to trade rivalship, 363. Effects of + superior education, 364. Affectation in names, 365. + Portraits of governesses, 366. Road to matrimony, 367. + Villainy of private madhouses, 369. Appearances may deceive, + 370. + + Chapter XXVII. + + Pleasing intelligence, 371. Moralizing a little, 373. Cries + of London, 374. The Blacking Poet, 375. Literary squabble + 376. Curious Merchandise, 377. + + Chapter XXVIII. + + A new object of pursuit, 378. Royal visit to Scotland, 379. + Embarkation, 381. Royal recollections, 38'2. + + Chapter XXIX. + + Port of London, 383. Descriptive entertainment, 384. A rea + swell party, 385. An Irish dancing master, 386. Female + disaster, 387. Blackwall—East India Docks, 388. Sir Robert + Wigram, 389. Domestic happiness, 390. West India Docks, 391. + Loudon Docks, 393. News from home, 394. + + Chapter XXX. + + Travelling preparations, 395. Whimsical associations, 396. + Antiquity and origin of signs, 397. Signs of altered times, + 398. Ludicrous corruptions, 399. A curious metamorphosis, + 400. A sudden breeze, 401. A smell of powder, 402. + + Chapter XXXI. + + An unexpected visitor, 403. Sketches of fashionable life, + 404. A Corinthian rout, 405. A Corinthian dinner party, 406. + A new picture of real life, 409. More wise men of the East, + 411. + + Chapter XXXII. + + Anticipation of danger, 415. Smoke without fire, 416. + Fonthill Abbey, 417. Instability of fortune, 419. Wealth + without ostentation, 420. Eccentricity of character, 421. + Extremes meeting, 422. + + Chapter XXXIII. + + Sketches of new scenes, 423. A critical essay on taste, 424. + The pleasures of the table, 425. A whimsical exhibition, + 426. Canine sobriety, 427. + + Chapter XXXIV. + + Anticipation, 428. Obligation, 429. Change of subjects, 430 + Magasin de Mode, 431. Bell, Warwick Lane, 432. Bull and + Mouth Street, 433. Bull and Mouth Inn, 434. Jehu chaff, 435. + Adieu to London, 436. +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + REAL LIFE IN LONDON + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0001" id="link32HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + With what unequal tempers are we form'd! + One day the soul, elate and satisfied, + Revels secure, and fondly tells herself + The hour of evil can return no more: + The next, the spirit, pall'd and sick of riot, + Turns all to discord, and we hate our being, + Curse our past joys, and think them folly all. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[1]</span>MATTER and motion, say Philosophers, are + inseparable, and the doctrine appears equally applicable to the human + mind. Our country Squire, anxious to testify a grateful sense of the + attentions paid him during his London visit, had assiduously exerted + himself since his return, in contributing to the pleasures and amusements + of his visitors; and Belville Hall presented a scene of festive + hospitality, at once creditable to its liberal owner, and gratifying to + the numerous gentry of the surrounding neighbourhood. + </p> + <p> + But however varied and numerous the sports and recreations of rural life, + however refined and select the circle of its society, they possessed not + the endless round of metropolitan amusement, nor those ever-varying + delights produced amid "the busy hum of men," where every street is + replete with incident and character, and every hour fraught with + adventure. + </p> + <p> + Satiety had now evidently obtruded itself amid the party, and its + attendants, lassitude and restlessness, were not long in bringing up the + rear. The impression already made upon the mind of Bob by the cursory view + he had taken of Life in London was indelible, and it required little + persuasion on the part of his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, to induce him + again to return to scenes of so much delight, and which afforded such + inexhaustible stores of amusement to an ardent and youthful curiosity. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[2]</span>A return to the Metropolis having + therefore been mutually agreed upon, and every previous arrangement being + completed, the Squire once more abdicated for a season his paternal + domains, and accompanied by his cousin Dashall, and the whole <i>ci-devant</i> + party of Belville Hall, arrived safe at the elegant mansion of the latter, + where they planned a new system of perambulation, having for its object a + further investigation of manners, characters, objects, and incidents, + connected with <i>Real Life in London</i>. + </p> + <p> + "Come," cried Dashall, one fine morning, starting up immediately after + breakfast— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——rouse for fresh game, and away let us haste, + The regions to roam of wit, fashion, and taste; + Like Quixote in quest of adventures set out, + And learn what the crowds in the streets are about; + And laugh when we must, and approve when we can, + Where London displays ev'ry feature of man." +</pre> + <p> + "The numerous hotels, bagnios, taverns, inns, coffee-houses, + eating-houses, lodging-houses, &c. in endless variety, which meet the + eye in all parts of the metropolis, afford an immediate choice of + accommodation, as well to the temporary sojourner as the permanent + resident; where may be obtained the necessaries and luxuries of life, + commensurate with your means of payment, from one shilling to a guinea for + a dinner, and from sixpence to thirty shillings a night for a lodging! + </p> + <p> + "The stranger recommended to one of these hotels, who regales himself + after the fatigues of a journey with moderate refreshment, and retires to + rest, and preparing to depart in the morning, is frequently surprised at + the longitudinal appearance and sum total of his bill, wherein every item + is individually stated, and at a rate enormously extravagant. Remonstrance + is unavailable; the charges are those common to the house, and in failure + of payment your luggage is under detention, without the means of redress; + ultimately the bill must be paid, and the only consolation left is, that + you have acquired a useful, though expensive lesson, how to guard in + future against similar exaction and inconvenience."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Marlborough Street.—Yesterday, Mrs. Hickinbottom, the + wife of Mr. Hickinbottom, the keeper of the St. Petersburgh + Hotel in Dover Street, Piccadilly, appeared to a summons to + answer the complaint of a gentleman for unlawfully detaining + his luggage under the following circumstances: The + complainant stated, that on Thursday evening last, on his + arrival in town from Aberdeen, he went to the White Horse + Cellar, Piccadilly; but the house being full, he was + recommended to the St. Petersburgh Hotel in Dover Street; + where, having taken some refreshment and wrote a letter, he + went to bed, and on the following morning after break-fast, + he desired the waiter to bring him his bill, which he did, + and the first item that presented itself was the moderate + charge of one pound ten shillings for his bed; and then + followed, amongst many others, sixpence for a pen, a + shilling for wax, a shilling for the light, and two and + sixpence for other lights; so that the bill amounted in the + whole to the sum of two pounds one shilling for his night's + lodging! To this very exorbitant charge he had refused to + submit; in consequence of which he had been put to great + inconvenience by the detention of his luggage. The + magistrate animadverted with much severity on such + extravagant charges on the part of the tavern-keeper, and + advised that upon the gentleman paying fifteen shillings, + the things might be immediately delivered up. To these + terms, however, Mrs. Hickinbottom refused to accede, adding + at the same time, that the gentleman had only been charged + the regular prices of the house, and that she should insist + upon the whole amount of the bill being paid, for that the + persons who were in the habit of coming to their house never + objected to such, the regular price of their lodgings being + ten guineas per week! The magistrate lamented that he had + no power to enforce the things being given up, but he + recommended the complainant to bring an action against the + tavern-keeper for the detention. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[3]</span> These were the observations directed by + Dashall to his friend, as they passed, one morning, the <i>Hotel de la + Sabloniere</i> in Leicester Square. + </p> + <p> + "Doubtless," he continued, "in those places of affluent resort, the + accommodations are in the first style of excellence; yet with reference to + comfort and sociability, were I a country gentleman in the habit of + occasionally visiting London, my temporary domicile should be the snug + domesticated Coffee-house, economical in its charges and pleasurable in + the variety of its visitors, where I might, at will, extend or abridge my + evening intercourse, and in the retirement of my own apartment feel myself + more at home than in the vacuum of an hotel." + </p> + <p> + The attention of our perambulators, in passing through the Square, was + attracted by a fine boy, apparently about eight years of age, dressed in + mourning, who, at the door of Brunet's Hotel, was endeavouring with all + his little strength and influence to oppose the egress of a large + Newfoundland dog, that, indignant of restraint, seemed desirous in a + strange land of introducing himself to <span class="pagenum">[4]</span> + canine good fellowship. The boy, whose large dark eyes were full of + animation, and his countenance, though bronzed, interestingly expressive, + remonstrated with the dog in the French language. "The animal does not + understand you," exclaimed Tallyho, in the vernacular idiom of the youth, + "Speak to him in English." "He must be a clever dog," answered the boy, + "to know English so soon, for neither him nor I have been in England above + a week, and for the first time in our lives."—"And how is it," asked + Tallyho, "that you speak the English language so fluently?" "O," said the + little fellow, "my mother taught it me; she is an English woman, and for + that reason I love the English, and am much fonder of talking their + language than my own." There was something extremely captivating in the + boy. The dog now struggling for freedom was nearly effecting his release, + when the two friends interposed their assistance, and secured the + pre-meditating fugitive at the moment when, to inquire the cause of the + bustle, the father of the child made his appearance in the person of Field + Marshal Count Bertrand. The Count, possessing all the characteristics of a + gentleman, acknowledged politely the kind attention of the strangers to + his son, while, on the other hand, they returned his obeisance with the + due respect excited by his uniform friendship and undeviating attachment + to greatness in adversity. The discerning eye of Field Marshal Bertrand + justly appreciated the superior rank of the strangers, to whom he + observed, that during the short period he had then been in England, he had + experienced much courtesy, of which he should always retain a grateful + recollection. This accidental interview was creative of reciprocal + satisfaction, and the parties separated, not without an invitation on the + part of the boy, that his newly found acquaintances would again visit the + "friends of the Emperor."{1}<span class="pagenum">[5]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 LINES SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY + THE EX-EMPEROR NAPOLEON IN HIS LAST ILLNESS. + + Too slowly the tide of existence recedes + For him in captivity destined to languish, + The Exile, abandon'd of fortune, who needs + The friendship of Death to obliviate his anguish. + Yet, even his last moments unmet by a sigh, + Napoleon the Great uncomplaining shall die! + + Though doom'd on thy rock, St. Helena, to close + My life, that once presag'd ineffable glory, + Unvisited here though my ashes repose, + No tablet to tell the lone Exile's sad story,— + Napoleon Buonaparte—still shall the name + Exist on the records immortal of Fame! + + Posterity, tracing the annals of France, + The merits will own of her potent defender; + Her greatness pre-eminent skill'd to advance, + Creating, sustaining, her zenith of splendour; + Who patroniz'd arts, and averted alarms, + Till crush'd by the union of nations in arms! + + I yield to my fate! nor should memory bring + One moment of fruitless and painful reflection + Of what I was lately—an Emperor and King, + Unless for the bitter, yet fond recollection + Of those, who my heart's best endearments have won, + Remote from my death-bed—my Consort and SON! + + Denied in their arms even to breathe my last sigh, + No relatives' solace my exit attending; + With strangers sojourning, 'midst strangers I die, + No tear of regret with the last duties blending. + To him, the lorn Exile, no obsequies paid, + Whose fiat a Universe lately obey'd! + + Make there then my tomb, where the willow trees wave, + And, far in the Island, the streamlet meanders; + If ever, by stealth, to my green grassy grave + Some kind musing spirit of sympathy wanders— + "Here rests," he will say, "from Adversity's pains, + Napoleon Buonaparte's mortal remains!" + + We have no disposition to enter into the character of the + deceased Ex-Emperor; history will not fail to do justice + alike to the merits and the crimes of one, who is inevitably + destined to fill so portentous a page on its records. At the + present time, to speak of the good of which he may have been + either the intentional or the involuntary instrument, + without some bias of party feeling would be impossible. + + "Hard is his fate, on whom the public gaze + Is fix'd for ever, to condemn or praise; + Repose denies her requiem to his name, + And folly loves the martyrdom of fame." + + At all events, he is now no more; and "An English spirit + wars not with the dead." +</pre> + <p> + "The Count," said Dashall to his Cousin, as they pursued their walk, + "remains in England until he obtain <span class="pagenum">[6]</span> + permission from the King of France to return to his native country: that + such leave will be given, there is little doubt; the meritorious fidelity + which the Count has uniformly exemplified to his late unfortunate and + exiled Master, has obtained for him universal esteem, and the King of + France is too generous to withhold, amidst the general feeling, his + approbation." + </p> + <p> + Passing through Long Acre in their progress towards the British Museum, to + which national establishment they had cards of admission, the two friends + were intercepted in their way by a concourse at a coach-maker's shop, + fronting which stood a chariot carefully matted round the body, firmly + sewed together, and the wheels enveloped in hay-bands, preparatory to its + being sent into the country. Scarcely had these precautionary measures of + safety been completed, when a shrill cry, as if by a child inside the + vehicle, was heard, loud and continuative, which, after the lapse of some + minutes, broke out into the urgent and reiterated exclamation of—"Let + me out!—I shall be suffocated!—pray let me out!" + </p> + <p> + The workmen, who had packed up the carriage, stared at each other in mute + and appalling astonishment; they felt conscious that no child was within + the vehicle; and when at last they recovered from the stupor of amazement, + they resisted the importunity of the multitude to strip the chariot, and + manfully swore, that if any one was inside, it must be the Devil himself, + or one of his imps, and no human or visible being whatsoever. + </p> + <p> + Some, of the multitude were inclined to a similar opinion. The crowd + increased, and the most intense interest was depicted in every + countenance, when the cry of "Let me out!—I shall die!—For + heaven's sake let me out!" was audibly and vehemently again and again + repeated. + </p> + <p> + The impatient multitude now began to cut away the matting; when the + workmen, apprehensive that the carriage might sustain some damage from the + impetuosity of their proceedings, took upon themselves the act of + dismantling the mysterious machine; during which operation, the cry of + "Let me out!" became more and more clamorously importunate. At last the + vehicle was laid bare, and its door thrown open; when, to the utter + amazement of the crowd, no child was there—no trace was to be seen + of aught, human or super-human! The <span class="pagenum">[7]</span> + assemblage gazed on the vacant space from whence the sounds had emanated, + in confusion and dismay. During this momentary suspense, in which the + country 'Squire participated, a voice from some invisible agent, as if + descending the steps of the carriage, exclaimed—"Thank you, my good + friends, I am very much obliged to you—I shall now go home, and + where my home is you will all know by-and-by!" + </p> + <p> + With the exception of Dashall and Tallyho, the minds of the spectators, + previously impressed with the legends of superstition and diablerie, gave + way under the dread of the actual presence of his satanic majesty; and the + congregated auditors of his ominous denunciation instantaneously dispersed + themselves from the scene of witchery, and, re-assembling in groupes on + distant parts of the street, cogitated and surmised <i>on the Devil's + visit to the Coachmakers of Long Acre!</i> + </p> + <p> + Tallyho now turned an inquisitive eye on his Cousin, who answered the + silent and anxious enquiry with an immoderate fit of laughter, declaring + that this was the best and most ingenious hoax of any he had ever + witnessed, and that he would not have missed, on any consideration + whatsoever, the pleasure of enjoying it. "The Devil in Long Acre!—I + shall never forget it," exclaimed the animated Cousin of the staring and + discomfited 'Squire. + </p> + <p> + "Explain, explain," reiterated the 'Squire, impatiently. + </p> + <p> + "You shall have it in one word,"answered Dashall—"Ventriloquism!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This hoax was actually practised by a Ventriloquist in the + manner described. It certainly is of a less offensive nature + than that of many others which have been successfully + brought for-ward in the Metropolis, the offspring of folly + and idleness.—"A fellow," some years ago, certainly not "of + infinite humour," considering an elderly maiden lady of + Berner Street a "fit and proper subject" on whom to + exercise his wit, was at the trouble of writing a vast + number of letters to tradesmen and others, magistrates and + professional men, ordering from the former various goods, + and requiring the advice, in a case of emergency, of the + latter, appointing the same hour, to all, of attendance; so + that, in fact, at the time mentioned, the street, to the + annoy-ance and astonishment of its inhabitants, was crowded + with a motley group of visitants, equestrian and pedestrian, + all eagerly pressing forward to their destination, the old + lady's place of residence. In the heterogeneous assemblage + there were seen Tradesmen of all denominations, accompanied + by their Porters, bearing various articles of household + furniture; Counsellors anticipating fees; Lawyers engaged + to execute the last will and testament of the heroine of the + drama, and, not the least conspicuous, an Undertaker + preceded by his man with a coffin; and to crown the whole, + "though last not least in our esteem," the then Lord Mayor of + London, who, at the eager desire of the old Lady, had, with + a commendable feeling of humanity, left his civic dominions, + in order to administer, in a case of danger and difficulty, + his consolation and assistance. When, behold! the clue was + unravelled, the whole turn'd out an hoax, and the Author + still remains in nubibus!!! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[8]</span> "And who could have been the artist?" + enquired Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Nay," answered his friend, "that is impossible to say; some one in the + crowd, but the secret must remain with himself; neither do I think it + would have been altogether prudent his revealing it to his alarmed and + credulous auditory." + </p> + <p> + "A Ventriloquist," observed the 'Squire, "is so little known in the + country, that I had lost all reminiscence of his surprising powers; + however, I shall in future, from the occurrence of to-day, resist the + obtrusion of superstition, and in all cases of 'doubtful dilemma' remember + the Devil in Long Acre!"{l} + </p> + <p> + "Well resolved," answered Dashall; and in a few minutes they gained Great + Russel Street, Bloomsbury, without further incident or interruption. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The child in the hat.—Not long since, a Waggoner coming + to town with a load of hay, was overtaken by a stranger, who + entered into familiar conversation with him. They had not + pro-ceeded far, when, to the great terror of Giles Jolt, a + plaintive cry, apparently that of a child, issued from the + waggon. "Didst hear that, mon?" exclaimed Giles. The cry was + renewed—"Luord! Luord! an there be na a babe aneath the + hay, I'se be hanged; lend us a hand, mon, to get un out, for + God's sake!" The stranger very promptly assisted in + unloading the waggon, but no child was found. The hay now + lay in a heap on the road, from whence the cry was once more + long and loudly reiterated! In eager research, Giles next + proceeded to scatter the hay over the road, the cry still + continuing; but when, at last, he ascertained that the + assumed infantine plaint was all a delusion, his hair stood + erect with horror, and, running rapidly from his companion, + announced that he had been associated on the road by the + Devil, for that none else could play him such a trick! It + was not without great difficulty that the people to whom he + told this strange story prevailed on him to return, at last, + to his waggon and horses; he did so with manifest + reluctance. To his indescribable relief, his infernal + companion hail vanished in the person of the Ventriloquist, + and Jolt still believes in the supernatural visitation! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[9]</span> Amongst the literary and scientific + institutions of the Metropolis, the British Museum, situated in Great + Russel Street, Bloomsbury, stands pre-eminent. + </p> + <p> + Entering the spacious court, our two friends found a party in waiting for + the Conductor. Of the individuals composing this party, the reconnoitering + eye of Dashall observed a trio, from whence he anticipated considerable + amusement. It was a family triumvirate, formed of an old Bachelor, whose + cent per cent ideas predominated over every other, wheresoever situated or + howsoever employed; his maiden Sister, prim, starch and antiquated; and + their hopeful Nephew, a complete coxcomb, that is, in full possession of + the requisite concomitants—ignorance and impudence, and arrayed in + the first style of the most exquisite dandyism. This delectable triumviri + had emerged from their chaotic recess in Bearbinder-lane; the Exquisite, + to exhibit his sweet person along with the other curiosities of the + Museum; his maiden Aunt, to see, as she expressed it, the "<i>He-gipsyian + munhuments, kivered with kerry-glee-fix</i>;" and her Brother, to + ascertain whether, independent of outlandish baubles, gimcracks and + gewgaws, there was any thing of substantiality with which to enhance the + per contra side in the Account Current between the British Museum and the + Public! + </p> + <p> + Attaching themselves to this respectable trio, Dashall and Tallyho + followed, with the other visitants, the Guide, whose duty it that day was + to point out the various curiosities of this great national institution. + </p> + <p> + The British Museum was established by act of parliament, in 1753, in + pursuance of the will of Sir Hans Sloane, who left his museum to the + nation, on condition that Parliament should pay 20,000L. to his Executors, + and purchase a house sufficiently commodious for it. The parliament acted + with great liberality on the occasion; several other valuable collections + were united to that of Sir Hans Sloane, and the whole establishment was + completed for the sum of 85,000L. raised by lottery. At the institution of + this grand treasury of learning, it was proposed that a competent part of + 1800L. the annual sum granted by parliament for the support of the house, + should be appropriated for the purchase of new books; but the salaries + necessary for the officers, together with the contingent expenses, have + always exceeded the allowance; so that the Trustees have been repeatedly + <span class="pagenum">[10]</span> obliged to make application to defray + the necessary charges. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Timothy Surety, the before mentioned Bearbinder-lane resident, of cent + per cent rumination; his accomplished sister, Tabitha; his exquisite + nephew, Jasper; and the redoubtable heroes of our eventful history, were + now associated in one party, and the remaining visitants were sociably + amalgamated in another; and each having its separate Conductor, both + proceeded to the inspection of the first and most valuable collection in + the universe. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0001" id="link3image-0001"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page010.jpg" alt="Page10 British Museum " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + On entering the gate, the first objects which attracted attention were two + large sheds, defending from the inclemency of the seasons a collection of + Egyptian monuments, the whole of which were taken from the French at + Alexandria, in the last war. The most curious of these, perhaps, is the + large Sarcophagus beneath the shed to the left, which has been considered + as the exterior coffin of Alexander the Great, used at his final + interment. It is formed of variegated marble, and, as Mrs. Tabitha Surety + observed, was "<i>kivered with Kerry-glee-fix</i>." + </p> + <p> + "Nephew Jasper," said his Uncle, "you are better acquainted with the + nomenclature, I think you call it, of them there <i>thing-um-bobs</i> than + I am—what is the name of this here?" + </p> + <p> + "My dear Sir," rejoined the Exquisite, "this here is called a <i>Sark o' + Fegus</i>, implying the domicile, or rather, the winding-sheet of the + dead, as the sark or chemise wound itself round the fair forms of the + daughters of O'Fegus, a highland Chieftain, from whom descended Philip of + Macedon, father of Alexander the Great; and thence originated the name + subsequently given by the highland laird's successors, to the dormitory of + the dead, the Sark o' Fegus, or in the corruption of modern orthography, + Sarcophagus." + </p> + <p> + Timothy Surety cast an approving glance towards his Nephew, and whispering + Dashall, "My Nephew, Sir, apparently a puppy, Sir, but well informed, + nevertheless—what think you of his definition of that hard word? Is + he not, I mean my Nephew Jaz, a most extraordinary young man?" + </p> + <p> + "Superlatively so," answered Dashall, "and I think you are happy in + bearing affinity to a young man of such transcendent acquirements." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[11]</span>"D—n his acquirements!" exclaimed + Timothy; "would you think it, they are of no use in the way of trade, and + though I have given him many an opportunity of doing well, he knows no + more of keeping a set of books by double-entry, than Timothy Surety does + of keeping a pack of hounds, who was never twenty miles beyond the hearing + of Bow bells in all his lifetime!" + </p> + <p> + This important communication, having been made apart from the recognition + of the Aunt and Nephew, passed on their approach, unanswered; and Dashall + and his friend remained in doubt whether or not the Nephew, in his late + definition of the word Sarcophagus, was in jest or earnest: Tallyho + inclined to think that he was hoaxing the old gentleman; on the other + hand, his Cousin bethought himself, that the apparent ingenuity of Jaz's + definition was attributable entirely to his ignorance. + </p> + <p> + Here also were two statues of Roman workmanship, supposed to be those of + Marcus Aurelius and Severus, ancient, but evidently of provincial + sculpture. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Tabitha, shading her eyes with her fan, and casting a glance askew at + the two naked figures, which exhibited the perfection of symmetry, + enquired of her Nephew who they were meant to represent. + </p> + <p> + His answer was equally eccentric with that accorded to his Uncle on the + subject of the Sarcophagus. + </p> + <p> + "My dear Madam!" said Jaz, "these two figures are consanguineous to those + of Gog and Magog in Guildhall, being the lineal descendants of these + mighty associates of the Livery of London!" + </p> + <p> + "But, Jaz" rejoined the antique dame, "I always understood that Messieurs + Gog and Magog derived their origin from quite a different family." + </p> + <p> + "Aunt of mine," responded Jaz, "the lofty rubicunded Civic Baronet shall + not be 'shorn of his beams;' he claims the same honour with his brainless + brothers before us-he is a scion of the same tree; Sir W*ll**m, the twin + brothers of Guildhall, and these two sedate Gentlemen of stone, all boast + the honour of the same extraction!" + </p> + <p> + Behind them, on the right, was a ram's head of very curious workmanship, + from Thebes. + </p> + <p> + "Perhaps, Sir," said Mrs. Tabitha, graciously addressing herself to + 'Squire Tallyho, "you can inform us what may be the import of this + singular exhibition?" + </p> + <p> + "On my honour, Madam," answered the 'Squire, "I cannot satisfactorily + resolve the enquiry; I am a country <span class="pagenum">[12]</span> + gentleman, and though conversant with rains and rams' horns in my own + neighbourhood, have no knowledge of them with reference to the connexion + of the latter with the Citizens of London or Westminster!" + </p> + <p> + Jaz again assumed the office of expositor.—"My very reverend Aunt," + said Jaz, "I must prolegomenize the required explanation with a simple + anecdote:— + </p> + <p> + "When Charles the Second returned from one of his northern tours, + accompanied by the Earl of Rochester, he passed through Shoreditch. On + each side the road was a huge pile of rams' horns, for what purpose + tradition saith not. 'What is the meaning of all this?' asked the King, + pointing towards the symbolics. 'I know not,' rejoined Rochester, 'unless + it implies that the Citizens of London have laid their heads together, to + welcome your Majesty's return!' In commemoration of this witticism, the + ram's head is to the Citizens of London a prominent feature of exhibition + in the British Museum." + </p> + <p> + This interpretation raised a laugh at the expense of Timothy Surety, who, + nevertheless, bore it with great good humour, being a bachelor, and + consequently not within the scope of that ridicule on the basis of which + was founded the present sarcastic fabric. + </p> + <p> + It was now obvious to Dash all and his friend, that this young man, Jasper + Surety, was not altogether the ignoramus at first presumed. They had + already been entertained by his remarks, and his annotations were of a + description to warrant the expectancy of further amusement in the progress + of their inspection. + </p> + <p> + From the hall the visitors were led through an iron gateway to the great + staircase, opposite the bottom of which is preserved a model in mahogany, + exhibiting the method used by Mr. Milne in constructing the works of + Blackfriars' Bridge; and beneath it are some curious fragments from the + Giant's Causeway in Ireland. + </p> + <p> + These fragments, however highly estimated by the naturalist and the + antiquary, were held in derision by the worldly-minded Tim. Surety, who + exclaimed against the folly of expending money in the purchase of articles + of no intrinsic value, calculated only to gratify the curiosity of those + inquisitive idlers who affect their admiration of every uninteresting + production of Nature, and neglect the pursuit of the main chance, so + necessary in realizing the comforts of life. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[13]</span> These sordid ideas were opposed by + Dashall and the 'Squire, to whom they seemed particularly directed. Mrs. + Tabitha smiled a gracious acquiescence in the sentiments of the two + strangers, and Jasper expressed his regret that Nuncle was not gifted and + fated as Midas of ancient times, who transformed every thing that he + touched into gold! + </p> + <p> + The Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities next attracted the attention of the + visitors. Over a doorway in this room is a fine portrait of Sir William + Hamilton, painted by Sir Joshua Reynolds. Dashall and Tallyho remarked + with enthusiasm on these beautiful relics of the sculpture of former ages, + several of which were mutilated and disfigured by the dilapidations of + time and accident. Of the company present, there stood on the left a + diminutive elderly gentleman in the act of contemplating the fragment of a + statue in a posterior position, and which certainly exhibited somewhat of + a ludicrous appearance; on the right, the exquisite Jasper pointed out, + with the self-sufficiency of an amateur, the masculine symmetry of a + Colossian statue to his Aunt of antiquated virginity, whose maiden purity + recoiling from the view of nudation, seemed to say, "Jaz, wrap an apron + round him!" while in the foreground stood the rotunditive form of Timothy + Surety, who declared, after a cursory and contemptuous glance at the + venerable representatives of mythology, "That with the exception of the + portrait of Sir William Hamilton, there was not in the room an object + worth looking at; and as for them there ancient statutes," (such was his + vernacular idiom and Bearbinder barbarism) "I would not give twopence for + the whole of this here collection, if it was never for nothing else than + to set them up as scare-crows in the garden of my country house at + Edmonton!" + </p> + <p> + Jasper whispered his aunt, that nuncks was a vile bore; and the + sacrilegious declaration gave great offence to the diminutive gentleman + aforesaid, who hesitated not in pronouncing Timothy Surety destitute of + taste and vertu; to which accusation Timothy, rearing his squat form to + its utmost altitude, indignantly replied, "that there was not an alderman + in the City of London of better taste than himself in the qualities of + callipash and callipee, and that if the little gemmen presumed again to + asperse his vartue, he would bring an action against him tor slander and + defamation of character." The minikin man gave Timothy a glance of + ineffable disdain, and left the room. Mrs. <span class="pagenum">[14]</span> + Tabitha, in the full consciousness of her superior acquirements, now + directed a lecture of edification to her brother, who, however, manfully + resisted her interference, and swore, that "where his taste and <i>vartue</i> + were called in question he would not submit to any <i>she</i> in the + universe." + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Tabitha, finding that on the present occasion her usual success would + not predominate, suspended, like a skilful manoeuvreist, unavailable + attack, and, turning to her nephew, required to know what personage the + tall figure before them was meant to represent. Jasper felt not qualified + correctly to answer this enquiry, yet unwilling to acknowledge his + ignorance, unhesitatingly replied, "One of the ancient race of architects + who built the Giant's Causeway in the north of Ireland." This sapient + remark excited a smile from the two friends, who shortly afterwards took + an opportunity of withdrawing from further intercourse with the Bearbinder + triumviri, and enjoyed with a more congenial party the remaining + gratification which this splendid national institution is so well + calculated to inspire. + </p> + <p> + Extending their observations to the various interesting objects of this + magnificent establishment, the two prominent heroes of our eventful + history derived a pleasure only known to minds of superior intelligence, + to whom the wonders of art and nature impart the acmé of intellectual + enjoyment. + </p> + <p> + Having been conducted through all the different apartments, the two + friends, preparing to depart, the 'Squire tendered a pecuniary compliment + to the Guide, in return for his politeness, but which, to the surprise of + the donor, was refused; the regulations of the institution strictly + prohibiting the acceptance by any of its servants of fee or reward from a + visitor, under the penalty of dismissal.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Although the limits of this work admit not a minute detail + of the rarities of the British Museum, yet a succinct + enumeration of a few particulars may not prove unacceptable + to our Readers. + + In the first room, which we have already noticed, besides + the Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities, is a stand filled + with reliques of ancient Egypt, amongst which are numerous + small representatives of mummies that were used as patterns + for those who chose and could afford to be embalmed at their + decease. + + The second apartment is principally devoted to works of art, + be-ginning with Mexican curiosities. The corners opposite + the light are occupied by two Egyptian mummies, richly + painted, which were both brought from the catacombs of + Sakkara, near Grand Cairo. + + The third room exhibits a rich collection of curiosities + from the South Pacific Ocean, brought by Capt. Cook. In the + left corner is the mourning dress of an Otaheitean lady, in + which taste and barbarity are curiously blended. Opposite + are the rich cloaks and helmets of feathers from the + Sandwich Islands. + + The visitor next enters the manuscript department, the first + room of which is small, and appropriated chiefly to the + collections of Sir Hans Sloane. The next room is completely + filled with Sir Robert Harley's manuscripts, afterwards Earl + of Oxford, one of the most curious of which is a volume of + royal letters, from 1437 to the time of Charles I.. The next + and last room of the manuscript department is appropriated + to the ancient royal library of manuscripts, and Sir Robert + Cotton's, with a few-later donations. On the table, in the + middle of the room, is the famous Magna Charta of King John; + it is written on a large roll of parchment, and was much + damaged in the year 1738, when the Cotton library took fire + at Westminster, but a part of the broad seal is yet annexed. + + We next reach the great saloon, which is finely ornamented + with fresco paintings by Baptiste. Here are a variety of + Roman remains, such as dice, tickets for the Roman theatres, + mirrors, seals for the wine casks, lamps, &c. and a + beautiful bronze head of Homer, which was found near + Constantinople. + + The mineral room is the next object of attention. Here are + fossils of a thousand kinds, and precious stones, of various + colours and splendours, composing a collection of + astonishing beauty and magnificence. + + Next follows the bird room; and the last apartment contains + animals in spirits, in endless variety. And here the usual + exhibition of the house closes. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[15]</span> Issuing from the portals of the Museum, + "Apropos," said Dashall, "we are in the vicinity of Russell-square, the + residence of my stock-broker; I have business of a few moments continuance + to transact with him—let us proceed to his residence." + </p> + <p> + A lackey, whose habiliment, neat but not gaudy, indicated the + unostentatious disposition of his master,, answered the summons of the + knocker: "Mr. C. was gone to his office at the Royal Exchange." + </p> + <p> + "The gentleman who occupies this mansion," observed Dashall to his friend, + as they retired from the door, "illustrates by his success in life, the + truth of the maxim so frequently impressed on the mind of the school-boy, + that perseverance conquers all difficulties. Mr. C, unaided by any other + recommendation than that of his own unassuming modest merit, entered the + very <span class="pagenum">[16]</span> respectable office of which he is + now the distinguished principal, in the situation of a young man who has + no other prospect of advancement than such as may accrue from rectitude of + conduct, and the consequent approbation and patronage of his employer. By + a long exemplary series of diligence and fidelity, he acquired the + confidence of, and ultimately became a partner in the firm. His strictly + conscientious integrity and uniform gentlemanly urbanity have thus gained + him a preference in his profession, and an ample competency is now the + well-merited meed of his industry." + </p> + <p> + "Combining with its enjoyment," responded the 'Squire, "the exercise of + benevolent propensities." + </p> + <p> + "Exactly so much so, that his name appears as an annual subscriber to + nearly all the philanthropic institutions of the metropolis, and his + private charities besides are numerous and reiterated." + </p> + <p> + "This, then, is one of the few instances (said the 'Squire) of Real Life + in London, where private fortune is so liberally applied in relief of + suffering humanity—it is worthy of indelible record." + </p> + <p> + Circumambulating the square, the two observers paused opposite the fine + statue of the late Francis Duke of Bedford. + </p> + <p> + The graceful proportion, imposing elevation, and commanding attitude of + the figure, together with the happy combination of skill and judgment by + the artist, in the display on the pedestal of various agricultural + implements, indicating the favourite and useful pursuits of this estimable + nobleman, give to the whole an interesting appearance, and strongly excite + those feelings of regret which attend the recollection of departed worth + and genius. Proceeding down the spacious new street directly facing the + statue, our perambulators were presently in Bedford-square, in which is + the effigy of the late eminent statesman Charles James Fox: the figure is + in à sitting posture, unfavourable to our reminiscences of the first + orator of any age or country, and is arrayed in the Roman toga: the face + is a striking likeness, but the effect on the whole is not remarkable. The + two statues face each other, as if still in friendly recognition; but the + sombre reflections of Dashall and his friend were broke in upon by a + countryman with, "Beant that Measter Fox, zur?" "His effigy, my <span + class="pagenum">[17]</span>friend." "Aye, aye, but what the dickens ha've + they wrapt a blanket round un vor?" + </p> + <p> + Proceeding along Charlotte Street, Bloomsbury, the associates in search of + Real Life were accosted by a decent looking countryman in a smock-frock, + who, approaching them in true clod-hopping style, with a strong provincial + accent, detailed an unaffectedly simple, yet deep tale of distress: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——Oppression fore'd from his cot, + His cattle died, and blighted was his corn!" +</pre> + <p> + The story which he told was most pathetic, the tears the while coursing + each other down his cheeks; and Dashall and his friend were about to + administer liberally to his relief, the former observing, "There can be no + deception here," when the applicant was suddenly pounced upon by an + officer, as one of the greatest impostors in the Metropolis, who, with the + eyes of Argus, could transform themselves into a greater variety of shapes + than Proteus, and that he had been only fifty times, if not more, confined + in different houses of correction as an incorrigible rogue and vagabond, + from one of which he had recently contrived to effect his escape. The + officer now bore off his prize in triumph, while Dashall, hitherto "the + most observant of all observers," sustained the laugh of his Cousin at the + knowing one deceived, with great good humour, and Dashall, adverting to + his opinion so confidently expressed, "There can be no deception here," + declared that in London it was impossible to guard in every instance + against fraud, where it is frequently practised with so little appearance + of imposition. + </p> + <p> + The two friends now bent their course towards Covent Garden, which, + reaching without additional incident, they wiled away an hour at Robins's + much to their satisfaction. That gentleman, in his professional capacity, + generally attracts in an eminent degree the attention of his visitors by + his professional politeness, so that he seldom fails to put off an article + to advantage; and yet he rarely resorts to the puff direct, and never + indulges in the puff figurative, so much practised by his renowned + predecessor, the late knight of the hammer, Christie, the elder, who by + the superabundancy of his rhetorical <span class="pagenum">[18]</span>flurishes, + was accustomed from his elevated rostrum to edify and amuse his admiring + auditory.{1} + </p> + <p> + Of the immense revenues accruing to his Grace the Duke of Bedford, not the + least important is that derived from Covent Garden market. As proprietor + of the ground, from every possessor of a shed or stall, and from all who + take their station as venders in the market, a rent is payable to his + Grace, and collected weekly; considering, therefore, the vast number of + occupants, the aggregate rental must be of the first magnitude. His Grace + is a humane landlord, and his numerous tenantry of Covent Garden are + always ready to join in general eulogium on his private worth, as is the + nation at large on the patriotism of his public character. + </p> + <p> + Dashall conducted his friend through every part of the Market, amidst a + redundancy of fruit, flowers, roots and vegetables, native and exotic, in + variety and profusion, exciting the merited admiration of the Squire, who + observed, and perhaps justly, that this celebrated emporium unquestionably + is not excelled by any other of a similar description in the universe. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The late Mr. Christie having at one time a small tract of + land under the hammer, expatiated at great length on its + highly improved state, the exuberant beauties with which + Nature had adorned this terrestrial Paradise, and more + particularly specified a delightful hanging wood. + + A gentleman, unacquainted with Mr. Christie's happy talent + at exaggerated description, became the highest bidder, paid + his deposit, and posted down into Essex to examine his new + purchase, when, to his great surprise and disappointment, he + found no part of the description realized, the promised + Paradise having faded into an airy vision, "and left not a + wreck behind!" The irritated purchaser immediately returned + to town, and warmly expostulated with the auctioneer on the + injury he had sustained by unfounded representation; "and as + to a hanging wood, Sir, there is not the shadow of a tree on + the spot!" "I beg your pardon, Sir," said the pertinacious + eulogist, "you must certainly have overlooked the gibbet on + the common, and if that is not a hanging wood, I know not + what it is!" + + Another of Mr. Christie's flights of fancy may not unaptly + be termed the puff poetical. At an auction of pictures, + dwelling in his usual strain of eulogium on the unparalleled + excellence of a full-length portrait, without his producing + the desired effect, "Gentlemen," said he, "1 cannot, in + justice to this sublime art, permit this most invaluable + painting to pass from under the hammer, without again + soliciting the honour of your attention to its manifold + beauties. Gentlemen, it only wants the touch of Prometheus + to start from the canvass and fall abidding!" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[19]</span> Proceeding into Leicester Square, the + very extraordinary production of female genius, Miss Linwood's Gallery of + Needlework promised a gratification to the Squire exceeding in novelty any + thing which he had hitherto witnessed in the Metropolis. The two friends + accordingly entered, and the anticipations of Tallyho were superabundantly + realized. + </p> + <p> + This exhibition consists of seventy-five exquisite copies in needlework, + of the finest pictures of the English and foreign schools, possessing all + the correct drawing, just colouring, light and shade of the original + pictures from whence they are taken, and to which in point of effect they + are in no degree inferior. + </p> + <p> + From the door in Leicester Square the visitants entered the principal + room, a fine gallery of excellent proportions, hung with scarlet + broad-cloth, gold bullion tassels, and Greek borders. The appearance thus + given to the room is pleasing, and indicated to the Squire a still more + superior attraction. His Cousin Dashall had frequently inspected this + celebrated exhibition, but' to Tallyho it was entirely new. + </p> + <p> + On one side of this room the pictures are hung, and have a guard in front + to keep the company at the requisite distance, and for preserving them. + </p> + <p> + Turning to the left, a long and obscure passage prepares the mind, and + leads to the cell of a prison, on looking into which is seen the beautiful + Lady Jane Gray, visited by the Abbot and keeper of the Tower the night + before her execution. + </p> + <p> + This scene particularly elicited the Squire's admiration; the deception of + the whole, he observed, was most beautiful, and not exceeded by any work + from the pencil of the painter, that he had ever witnessed. A little + farther on is a cottage, the casement of which opens, and the hatch at the + door is closed; and, on looking in at either, our visitants perceived a + fine and exquisitely finished copy of Gainsborough's Cottage Children + standing by the fire, with chimney-piece and cottage furniture compleat. + Near to this is Gainsborough's Woodman, exhibited in the same scenic + manner. + </p> + <p> + Having enjoyed an intellectual treat, which perhaps in originality as an + exhibition of needlework is no where else to be met with, our + perambulators retired, and reached home without the occurrence of any + other remarkable incident.<span class="pagenum">[20]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0002" id="link32HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Look round thee, young Astolpho; here's the place + Which men (for being poor) are sent to starve in;— + Rude remedy, I trow, for sore disease. + Within these walls, stifled by damp and stench, + Doth Hope's fair torch expire, and at the snuff, + Ere yet 'tis quite extinct, rude, wild, and wayward, + The desperate revelries of fell Despair, + Kindling their hell-born cressets, light to deeds + That the poor Captive would have died ere practised, + Till bondage sunk his soul to his condition." + + The Prison.—Act I. Scene III. +</pre> + <p> + TRAVERSING the streets, without having in view any particular object, + other than the observance of Real Life in London, such as might occur from + fortuitous incident; our two perambulators skirted the Metropolis one fine + morning, till finding themselves in the vicinity of Tothill-fields + Bridewell, a place of confinement to which the Magistrates of Westminster + provisionally commit those who are supposed to be guilty of crimes. + Ingress was without much difficulty obtained, and the two friends + proceeded to a survey of human nature in its most degraded state, where, + amidst the consciousness of infamy and the miseries of privation, apathy + seemed the predominant feeling with these outcasts of society, and + reflection on the past, or anticipation of the future, was absorbed in the + vacuum of insensibility. Reckless of his destiny, here the manacled felon + wore, with his gyves, the semblance of the most perfect indifference; and + the seriousness of useful retrospection was lost in the levity of + frivolous amusement. Apart from the other prisoners was seated a recluse, + whose appearance excited the attention of the two visitants; a deep cloud + of dejection overshadowed his features, and he seemed studiously to keep + aloof from the obstreperous revelry of his fellow-captives. There was in + his manner a something inducing a feeling of commiseration which could not + be extended to his callous <span class="pagenum">[21]</span> companions in + adversity. His decayed habiliment indicated, from its formation and + texture, that he had seen better days, and his voluntary seclusion + confirmed the idea that he had not been accustomed to his present + humiliating intercourse. His intenseness of thought precluded the + knowledge of approximation on his privacy, until our two friends stood + before him; he immediately rose, made his obeisance, and was about to + retire, when Mr. Dashall, with his characteristic benevolence, begged the + favour of a few moments conversation. + </p> + <p> + "I am gratified," he observed, "in perceiving one exception to the general + torpitude of feeling which seems to pervade this place; and I trust that + your case of distress is not of a nature to preclude the influence of hope + in sustaining your mind against the pressure of despondency." + </p> + <p> + "The cause of my confinement," answered the prisoner, "is originally that + of debt, although perverted into crime by an unprincipled, relentless + creditor. Destined to the misery of losing a beloved wife and child, and + subsequently assailed by the minor calamity of pecuniary embarrassment, I + inevitably contracted a few weeks arrears of rent to the rigid occupant of + the house wherein I held my humble apartment, when, returned one night to + my cheerless domicil, my irascible landlord, in the plenitude of ignorance + and malevolence, gave me in charge of a sapient guardian of the night, + who, without any enquiry into the nature of my offence, conducted me to + the watch-house, where I was presently confronted with my creditor, who + accused me of the heinous crime of getting into his debt. The constable + very properly refused to take cognizance of a charge so ridiculous; but + unluckily observing, that had I been brought there on complaint of an + assault, he would in that case have felt warranted in my detention, my + persecutor seized on the idea with avidity, and made a declaration to that + effect, although evidently no such thought had in the first instance + occurred to him, well knowing the accusation to be grossly unfounded. This + happened on a Saturday night, and I remained in duresse and without + sustenance until the following Monday, when I was held before a + Magistrate; the alleged assault was positively sworn to, and, maugre my + statement of the suspicious, inconsistent conduct of my prosecutor, I was + immured in the lock-up house for the remainder of the day, on the + affidavit of <span class="pagenum">[22]</span> perjury, and in the evening + placed under the friendly care of the Governor of Tothill-fields + Bridewell, to abide the issue at the next Westminster sessions." + </p> + <p> + "This is a most extraordinary affair," said the Squire; "and what do you + conjecture may be the result?" + </p> + <p> + "The pertinacity of my respectable prosecutor," said the Captive, "might + probably induce him to procure the aid of some of his conscientious + Israelitish brethren, whom 1 never saw, towards substantiating the + aforesaid assault, by manfully swearing to the fact; but as I have no + desire of exhibiting myself through the streets, linked to a chain of + felons on our way to the Sessions House, I believe I shall contrive to pay + the debt due to the perjured scoundrel, which will ensure my enlargement, + and let the devil in due season take his own!" + </p> + <p> + "May we enquire," said Dashall, "without the imputation of impertinent + inquisitiveness, what has been the nature of your pursuits in life?" + </p> + <p> + "Multitudinous," replied the other; "my life has been so replete with + adventure and adversity in all its varieties, and in its future prospects + so unpropitious of happiness, that existence has long ceased to be + desirable; and had I not possessed a more than common portion of + philosophic resignation, I must have yielded to despair; but, + </p> + <p> + "When all the blandishments of life are gone, The coward sneaks to death,—the + brave live on!" + </p> + <p> + "Thirty years ago I came to London, buoyant of youth and hope, to realize + a competency, although I knew not by what means the grand object was to be + attained; yet it occurred to me that I might be equally successful with + others of my country, who, unaided by recommendation and ungifted with the + means of speculation, had accumulated fortunes in this fruitful + Metropolis, and of whom, fifteen years ago, one eminently fortunate + adventurer from the north filled the civic chair with commensurate + political zeal and ability. + </p> + <p> + "Some are born great; others achieve greatness, And some have greatness + thrust upon them!" + </p> + <p> + "Well, Sir, what can be said of it? I was without the pale of fortune, + although several of my school-mates, who had established themselves in + London, acquired, by dint of perseverance, parsimony and servility, + affluent <span class="pagenum">[23]</span>circumstances; convinced, + however, that I was not destined to acquire wealth and honour, and being + unsolaced even with the necessaries of life, I abandoned in London all + hope of success, and emigrated to Ireland, where I held for several years + the situation of clerk to a respectable Justice of the Quorum. In this + situation I lived well, and the perquisites of office, which were + regularly productive on the return of every fair and market day, for + taking examinations of the peace, and filling up warrants of apprehension + against the perpetrators of broken heads and bloody noses, consoled me in + my voluntary exile from Real Life in London. I was in all respects + regarded as one of the family; had a horse at my command, visited in + friendly intimacy the neighbouring gentry; and, above all, enjoyed the + eccentricities of the lower Irish; most particularly so when before his + honour, detailing, to his great annoyance, a story of an hour long about a + tester (sixpence), and if he grew impatient, attributing it to some secret + prejudice which he entertained against them.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Their method is to get a story completely by heart, and to + tell it, as they call it, out of the face, that is, from the + beginning to the end without interruption. + + "Well, my good friend, I have seen you lounging about these + three hours in the yard, what is your business?" + + "Plase your honour, it is what I want to speak one word to + your honour." + + "Speak then, but be quick. What is the matter?" + + "The matter, plase your honour, is nothing at all at all, + only just about the grazing of a horse, plase your honour, + that this man here sold me at the fair of Gurtishannon last + Shrove fair, which lay down three times with myself, plase + your honour, and kilt me; not to be telling your honour of + how, no later back than yesterday night, he lay down in the + house there within, and all the children standing round, and + it was God's mercy he did not fall a-top of them, or into + the fire to burn himself. So, plase your honour, to-day I + took him back to this man, which owned him, and after a + great deal to do I got the mare again I swopped (exchanged) + him for; but he won't pay the grazing of the horse for the + time I had him, though he promised to pay the grazing in + case the horse didn't answer; and he never did a day's work, + good or bad, plase your honour, all the time he was with me, + and I had the doctor to him five times, any how. And so, + plase your honour, it is what I expect your honour will + stand my friend, for I'd sooner come to your honour for + justice than to any other in all Ireland. And so I brought + him here before your honour, and expect your honour will + make him pay me the grazing, or tell me, can I process him + for it at the next assizes, plase your honour?" + + The defendant now, turning a quid of tobacco with his + tongue into some secret cavern in his mouth, begins his + defence with + + "Plase your honour, under favour, and saving your honour's + presence, there's not a word of truth in all this man has + been saying from beginning to end, upon my conscience, and I + would not for the value of the horse itself, grazing and + all, be after telling your honour a lie. For, plase your + honour, I have a dependance upon your honour that you'll do + me justice, and not be listening to him or the like of him. + Plase your honour, it is what he has brought me before your + honour, because he had a spite against me about some oats I + sold your honour, which he was jealous of, and a shawl his + wife got at my shister's shop there without, and never paid + for, so I offered to set the shawl against the grazing, and + give him a receipt in full of all demands, but he wouldn't, + out of spite, plase your honour; so he brought me before + your honour, expecting your honour was mad with me for + cutting down the tree in the horse park, which was none of + my doing, plase your honour;—ill luck to them that went + and belied me to your honour behind my back. So if your + honour is plasing, I'll tell you the whole truth about the + horse that he swopped against my mare, out of the face:— + Last Shrove fair I met this man, Jemmy Duffy, plase your + honour, just at the corner of the road where the bridge is + broke down, that your honour is to have the present for this + year—long life to you for it! And he was at that time + coming from the fair of Gurtishannon, and 1 the same way: + 'How are you, Jemmy?' says I. 'Very well, I thank you, + Bryan,' says he: 'shall we turn back to Paddy Salmon's, and + take a naggin of whiskey to our better acquaintance?' 'I + don't care if I did, Jemmy,' says I, 'only it is what I + can't take the whiskey, because I'm under an oath against it + for a month.' Ever since, plase your honour, the day your + honour met me on the road, and observed to me I could hardly + stand, I had taken so much—though upon my conscience your + honour wronged me greatly that same time—ill luck to them + that belied me behind my back to your honour! Well, plase + your honour, as I was telling you, as he was taking the + whiskey, and we talking of one thing or t'other, he makes me + an offer to swop his mare that he couldn't sell at the fair + of Gurtishannou, because nobody would be troubled with the + beast, plase your honour, against my horse; and to oblige + him I took the mare—sorrow take her, and him along with + her! She kicked me a new car, that was worth three pounds + ten, to tatters, the first time I ever put her into it, and + I expect your honour will make him pay me the price of the + car, any how, before I pay the grazing, which I have no + right to pay at all at all, only to oblige him. But I leave + it all to your honour; and the whole grazing he ought to be + charging for the beast is but two and eight pence halfpenny, + any how, plase your honour. So I'll abide by what your + honour says, good or bad; I'll leave it all to your honour." + + I'll leave it all to your honour, literally means, I'll + leave all the trouble to your honour. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[25]</span>But this pleasant life was not decreed + much longer to endure, the insurrection broke out, during which an + incident occurred that had nearly terminated all my then cares in this + life, past, present, and to come. + </p> + <p> + "In my capacity as clerk or secretary, I had written one morning for the + worthy magistrate, two letters, both containing remittances, the one 150L. + and the other 100L. in bank of Ireland bills. We were situated at the + distance of fifteen miles from the nearest market town, and as the times + were perilous and my employer unwilling to entrust property to the + precarious conveyance of subordinate agency, he requested that I would + take a morning ride, and with my own hands deliver these letters at the + post-office. Accordingly I set out, and had arrived to within three miles + of my destination, when my further progress was opposed by two men in + green uniform, who, with supported arms and fixed bayonets, were pacing + the road to and fro as sentinels, in a very steady and soldier-like + manner. On the challenge of one of these fellows, with arms at port + demanding the countersign, I answered that I had none to give, that I was + travelling on lawful business to the next town, and required to know by + what authority he stopt me on the King's highway, "By the powers," he + exclaimed, "this is my authority then," and immediately brought his musket + to the charge against the chest of my horse. I now learnt that the town + had been taken possession of that morning by a division of the army of the + people, for so the insurgents had styled themselves. "You may turn your + nag homewards if you choose," said the sentry; "but if you persist in + going into the town, I must pass you, by the different out-posts, to the + officer on duty." The business in which I was engaged not admitting of + delay, I preferred advancing, and was ushered, ultimately, to the notice + of the captain of the guard, who very kindly informed me, that his general + would certainly order me to be hanged as a spy, unless I could exhibit + good proof of the contrary. With this comfortable assurance, I was + forthwith introduced into the presence of the rebel general. He was a + portly good-looking man, apparently about the age of forty, not more; wore + a green uniform, with gold embroidery, and was engaged in signing + dispatches, which his secretary successively sealed and superscribed; his + staff were in attendance, and a provost-marshal in waiting to perform the + office of summary execution on those to whom the general might attach + suspicion. The insurgent leader <span class="pagenum">[26]</span>now + enquiring, with much austerity, my name, profession, from whence I came, + the object of my coming, and lastly, whether or not I was previously aware + of the town being in possession of the army of the people, I answered + these interrogatories by propounding the question, who the gentleman was + to whom I had the honour of addressing myself, and under what authority I + was considered amenable to his inquisition. "Answer my enquiries, Sir," he + replied, "without the impertinency of idle circumlocution, otherwise I + shall consider you as a spy, and my provost-marshal shall instantly + perform on your person the duties of his office!" I now resorted to my + letters; I had no other alternative between existence and annihilation. + Explaining, therefore, who I was, and by whom employed, "These letters," I + added, "are each in my hand-writing, and both contain remittances; I came + to this town for the sole purpose of putting them into the post-office, + and I was not aware, until informed by your scouts, that the place was in + the occupation of an enemy." He deigned not a reply farther than pointing + to one of the letters, and demanding to know the amount of the bill which + it enveloped; I answered, "One hundred and fifty pounds." He immediately + broke the seal, examined the bill, and found that it was correct. "Now, + Sir," he continued, "sit down, and write from my dictation." He dictated + from the letter which he had opened, and when I had finished the copy, + compared it next with the original characters, expressed his satisfaction + at their identity, and returning the letters, licensed my departure, when + and to where I list, observing, that I was fortunate in having had with me + those testimonials of business, "Otherwise," said he, "your appearance, + under circumstances of suspicion, might have led to a fatal result."—"You + may be assured, gentlemen," continued the narrator, "that I did not + prolong my stay in the town beyond the shortest requisite period; two + mounted dragoons, by order of their general, escorted me past the + outposts, and I reached home in safety. These occurrences took place on a + Saturday. The triumph of the insurgent troops was of short duration; they + were attacked that same night by the King's forces, discomfited, and their + daring chieftain taken prisoner. On the Monday following his head, stuck + upon a pike, surmounted the market-house of Belfast. The scenes of anarchy + and desperation in which that <span class="pagenum">[27]</span> + unfortunate country became now involved, rendered it no very desirable + residence. I therefore procured a passport, bid adieu to the Emerald Isle, + Erin ma vorneen slan leet go bragh! and once more returned to London, to + experience a renewal of that misfortune by which I have, with little + interval, been hitherto accompanied, during the whole period of my + eventful life." + </p> + <p> + The two strangers had listened to the narrative with mingled sensations of + compassion and surprise, the one feeling excited by the peculiarity, the + other by the pertinacity of his misfortunes, when their cogitations were + interrupted by a dissonant clamour amongst the prisoners, who, it + appeared, had united in enmity against an unlucky individual, whom they + were dragging towards the discipline of the pump with all the eagerness of + inflexible vengeance. + </p> + <p> + On enquiry into the origin of this uproar, it was ascertained that one of + the prisoners under a charge of slight assault, had been visited by this + fellow, who, affecting to commiserate his situation, proposed to arrange + matters with his prosecutor for his immediate release, with other offers + of gratuitous assistance. This pretended friend was recognised by one of + the prisoners as a kidnapper. + </p> + <p> + A kidnapper, or crimp, is one of those fellows of abandoned principles, + who enter into the pay of the East India Company in order to recruit their + army, and when a guinea or two is advertised to be given to any person + that brings a proper man of five feet eight or nine inches high, lie in + wait to entrap men for the money. Some of these gentry assume the + character of officers, others of Serjeants, drummers, and recruits, + without the least shadow of commission among them. They have many ways of + inveigling the artless and unthinking. One or two of these kidnappers, + dressed as countrymen, go five or six miles out of town to meet the + waggons and stages, and enquire if John Such-a-one is come up, which is + answered in the negative, no such person being known; they then enter into + discourse with the countrymen, and being perfectly complaisant, engage + attention, and by the time they get to London, learn their occupations and + business to town; whether they are in search of places, trades, or intend + to return home again, which intelligence they in general profit by. Coming + to the place of rendezvous, the <span class="pagenum">[28]</span> + kidnappers propose a pint of porter, which being agreed on, they enter the + house where their companions are in waiting, enjoy themselves over flowing + bowls, and exhilirating their spirits with loyal toasts and songs, begin + their business by enquiring who is willing to serve His Majesty. The + countryman, if inclined thereto, is generally deceived; if his desire is + for the guards, or any other particular regiment, there are at hand mock + Serjeants and privates, who will swear they belong to the corps, and the + dupe is trepanned for the East Indies, hurried on board a ship, or kept in + some dismal place of security till a sufficient number is collected, and + an opportunity serves to send them away. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, should the countryman be averse to enlisting, and talk + of going away, these crimps will swear that he has received a shilling or + more of the bounty-money, insisting that they saw him put the money into + such and such a pocket; it is in vain that the countryman denies having + received it, search is made, money found, and he is compelled to submit or + pay the smart. + </p> + <p> + Others again, of these prowlers, frequent the places of confinement, and + learning the particular case of some prisoner for small debt or slight + assault, kindly otter to mediate with the prosecutor or creditor in + effecting liberation. The pretended friend assumes the most disinterested + feeling of sympathy, ingratiates himself into confidence, and generally + terminates his machinations with success; accomplishes the prisoner's + release, and sends him ultimately from temporary duresse to perpetual + exile. + </p> + <p> + Such was the character of the fellow now placed in the ominous guidance of + an exasperated multitude; they urged him forward to the place of + punishment; but the tumultuary assemblage were disappointed in their + anticipated vengeance, by the interposition of the turnkeys, and the + pretended friend escaped the meditated castigation. + </p> + <p> + "Observe, again," said the narrator, "that dashing young fellow, arrayed + in the first style of dandyism." + </p> + <p> + "My good fellow," interrupted Bob, "he is not, I should think, one of the + community; he has, apparently, the manners of the well bred and + accomplished gentleman." "And for that very reason, Sir, is the better + qualified to <span class="pagenum">[29]</span> carry on his profession + with impunity; he whom you dignify with the appellation of a well bred and + accomplished gentleman, is all that you have expressed of him, with the + exception of one word, that is, substitute for gentleman, swindler, and + the character is justly delineated. This fellow, of desperate enterprize, + is one of the numerous practitioners of knavery, who set themselves up for + men of property and integrity, the more easily to defraud the unwary and + ignorant out of their substance and effects. This Spark, connecting + himself with several others of similar pursuit, they took a genteel house + in a respectable part of the town, and dividing themselves into classes of + masters, clerks, out-riders, shopmen, porters, and servants, and thus + making a show of opulence, they easily obtained credit, and laid in goods + of every kind, which they sent into the country and sold, or bartered for + other commodities; these commodities they brought up to London, and sold + for ready money, generally taking in exchange double the quantity, and + paying for the same with notes of their own drawing, indorsing, and + fabricating, for the purpose of cheating the poor deluded farmer, + shopkeeper, and tradesman in the interior of the country. With respect to + tradesmen in town, the goods they took of them on trust they disposed of + to Jews, and other receivers of stolen goods, at about thirty per cent + under value, for ready money, nay, forty per cent rather than not have the + cash; and as their stay in one place could not safely exceed five months, + on account of their creditors calling in their debts, and their country + notes becoming due, they used to make all possible dispatch to dispose of + the various articles, and evacuate the premises before detection. This + done, they played the same game elsewhere, when, <i>Proteus</i> like, they + changed shapes, and disguised themselves so as not to be known, and + carried on business in another house, but in a different name; the master + became the rider, the rider the master, the clerks descended to footmen + and porters, the footmen to porters and clerks, and so on throughout, + until they had drained many parts of the town and country, to the ruin of + several worthy and honest families. However, the co-partnership is now + dissolved, the establishment is broke up, and the different individuals of + this nefarious gang of depredators, of whom the well bred and accomplished + gentleman, the subject of our remarks, is one of the principals, are + consigned to <span class="pagenum">[30]</span> different gaols for further + examination and final commitment." + </p> + <p> + Dashall expressed thanks for the interesting communication, and the Squire + his astonishment that the credulity of man could warrant the hope of + success to such a combination, however systematically arranged; and where + so many were concerned (and the distribution of plunder perhaps by no + means equalized,) that some dissatisfied individual did not renounce the + dangerous connection in the hope of impunity and reward. + </p> + <p> + "We know not that there is any subordinate division of spoil," said the + other; "but if such there be, it may in this union of interests be the + maxim as with other co-partnership concerns, that he, by whatsoever means, + who contributes the most to the general stock, shall participate the most + in the general benefit. + </p> + <p> + "Swindlers have other means of cheating and tricking the public, such as + answering the advertisements of tradesmen who are in want of a sum to make + good a payment, and offering, in consideration of a small premium, to get + them the money required, on their note of hand, which they premise must be + first given, and the money will be immediately advanced; the necessitated + person agrees to the terms, and unthinkingly gives his note, which one of + the Swindlers carries away, with a promise of a speedy return with the + money wanted, but neither Swindler nor note is forthcoming until it + becomes due, after having passed through many different hands, some of + whom can ascertain giving a valuable consideration for the same, and fix + the drawer to the payment, whose consolation for his credulity is, paying + the money or going to prison. + </p> + <p> + "In case of a stagnation of trade, the Swindlers advertise themselves to + borrow or lend upon good security. If they borrow, they have sham deeds, + and make false conveyance of estates in <i>nubibus</i>, nobody knows + where; if they lend, they artfully inveigle the borrower out of his + security, which they take up money upon and convert to their own use, + without the deluded person's knowledge; and by absconding, leave him to + the mortification of descanting on their roguery, and his own want of + foresight." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[31]</span> The triumvirate were once more + interrupted; a newcomer had arrived, and the prisoners hailed his + initiation with the first stanza of an old song:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Welcome, welcome, brother debtor, + To this poor, but merry place, + Where no Bailiff, Dun, nor Setter,{1} + Dares to shew his frightful face: + But, kind Sir, as you're a stranger, + Down your garnish you must lay, + Else your coat will be in danger,— + You must either strip or pay!" + + 1 Setters—This appellation is applicable to others than + those-alluded to in the above stanza, as connected with Duns + and Bailiffs. They are a dangerous set of wretches, who are + capable of committing any villany, as well by trepanning a + rich heir into matrimony with a cast-off mistress or common + prostitute, as by coupling a young heiress with a notorious + sharper, down to the lowest scene of setting debtors for the + bailiff and his followers. Smitten with the first glance of + the lady, you resign your heart, the conjugal knot is tied, + and, like the Copper Captain, you find the promised land, + houses, and furniture, the property of another, and not of + yourself. +</pre> + <p> + The novitiate, neither surprised at his reception, nor adverse to the + custom of the place, seemed quite at home, paid his garnish without + hesitation, and entered at once into the vacuum of indifference with his + new associates. + </p> + <p> + The attention of Dashall and Tallyho was attracted by the clank of + fetters, as one of the prisoners squatted himself on the pavement of the + yard. Leaning his back against the wall, he commenced darning an old + stocking, chanting at same time an old song from the Beggar's Opera, as if + predicting his own fate, yet with a manner indicating the most callous + indifference— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Since laws were made for every degree, + To curb vice in others as well as in me, + I wonder we ha'n't better company + Upon Tyburn tree.—— + + But gold from law can take out the sting, + And if rich men like us were to swing, + 'Twould thin the land, such numbers would string + Upon Tyburn tree.—— +</pre> + <p> + The irreclaimable depravity of this man could not excite any urgent + feeling of sympathy in his behalf, and our two friends took no further + notice of him. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[32]</span> Their Intelligencer, who in the + meanwhile had gone forth for information, now advancing,—"I + thought," said he, "that I had seen elsewhere this Johnny Newcome; he is a + sharper, another precious addition to our respectable community."{1} + </p> + <p> + "Respectable, indeed," exclaimed Tallyho, as he detected an urchin thief + in the act of picking his pocket of his handkerchief. This hopeful imp, + though young in years, was experienced in iniquity, had served an active + apprenticeship to the art of picking pockets with impunity, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The Sharper, who has generally had a genteel education, is + a person of good address and conversation, has more the + power of delusion at will than the unlettered cheat, devoid + of address and other requisites to complete the pretended + gentleman, and therefore should be more carefully avoided. + These villains, having run through their fortunes at an + early period of life by associating with professed gamblers + and sharpers, (who having eased them of their money, in + return complete them for the profession by which they have + been ruined) set up for themselves, throw aside honour and + conscience, and quote the lex talionis for deceiving others, + as they themselves have been deceived. These gentry are to + be met with at horse-races, cock-fights, the billiard and + hazard tables, and at all public places of diversion. On + your entering the coffee-house, tavern, or gaming-house, the + Sharper views you with attention, and is not long before he + becomes acquainted and very intimate with you; if you agree + to his proposal to play, if he cannot beat you by fair, he + will by foul means. Rather than lose, he will elude your + attention, and raise your passion sufficiently to put you + off your guard, while he plays his underhand game, and + cheats you before your face; and though you are sensible of + being cheated, yet you shall not be able to discover by what + means it is effected. The various methods sharpers have to + cheat and deceive are so many and unaccountable, that it + would exceed the limits of our publication to detail even + the tenth-part of them; their study is to supply their + exigencies by means within their power, however wicked or + villanous. If you associate with sharpers, you must not only + expect, but deserve to be cheated by them for your + credulity; for who would go with his eyes open into a den of + thieves, but in expectation of being robbed? Or, who would + herd with sharpers, and not expect to be cheated? We would + therefore advise the stranger in London to shun these + reptiles of the creation, fraught with guile, and artful as + the serpent to delude. Beware of their conversation, avoid + their company, take no notice of their tricks, nor be caught + by their wheedling professions of friendship; listen not to + any of their enticements, if you would preserve your peace + and property; be not fond of making new acquaintance with + persons you do not know, however genteel in appearance and + behaviour, for many a villain lurks under the disguise of a + modern fine gentle-man; and if any stranger asks you to play + with him for money, set him down in your mind as a Sharper," + and leave the room immediately. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[33]</span>and at last became so great an adept in + the profession, that at the early age of thirteen years he was unanimously + elected captain of an organized band of juvenile depredators, some much + younger, none older than himself, who for a considerable length of time + set at defiance the vigilance of the police. These young fry carried on a + long protracted successful war of extermination against ladies' reticules. + One urchin, watching her approach, would lay himself across the path she + must pass, and it frequently happened that she tumbled over him; a grab + was then made at the reticule, the watch, and the shawl, with which the + young villains generally got clear off. Others, in detachments of two or + three, would hover about the door or window of a tradesman's shop, cut out + a pane of glass, and abstract some valuable trinket; or watch the + retirement of the shopkeeper into his back-room, when one of the most + enterprizing would enter on hands and knees, crawl round the counter with + the stillness of death, draw out the till with its contents, and bear off + the spoil with impunity. One night, however, luckily for the public, the + whole gang was made prisoners of, and dispersed to various gaols, each + delinquent being ordered a severe flogging and solitary confinement. + Availing himself of this indulgence, the Captain had watched the + opportunity of approximating towards Tallyho, and was detected, as we said + before, in the exercise of his former propensities; so difficult it is to + eradicate vice from the human mind, even though in this instance so early + implanted. Lenity in this case would have been equally misplaced as + unjust, although the Squire humanely pressed his intercession; the + incorrigible pilferer was therefore handed over to the custody of one of + the turnkeys, until the Governor might award a punishment suitable to the + heinousness of the offence. + </p> + <p> + The two friends had been here above an hour—it was an hour they + thought not idly spent. And now leaving a small donation for distribution + amongst such as appeared deserving objects, they returned home gratified + by the additional knowledge acquired of <i>Real Life in London</i>.<span + class="pagenum">[34]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0003" id="link32HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "......Would you see + The Debtors' world, confide yourself to me. + Come; safely shall you pass the fatal door, + Nor fear it shuts you in, to ope no more. + See, frowning grimly o'er the Borough Road, + The crossing spikes that crown the dark abode! + O! how that iron seems to pierce the soul + Of him, whom hurrying wheels to prison roll, + What time from Serjeants' Inn some Debtor pale + The Tipstaff renders in default of bail. + Black shows that grisly ridge against the sky, + As near he draws and lifts an anxious eye: + Then on his bosom each peculiar spike, + Arm'd with its proper ill, appears to strike." +</pre> + <p> + THE recollection of past enjoyments in the vivacious company of Merry + well, could not fail to be revived in the minds of Dashall and his Cousin; + and as some persons, with due attention to his safety, had manifested + their interest and regard for him by obtaining his admission to the + Priory, where he was at this moment pursuing his studies, and could not + quite so conveniently call on them, an early visit was determined on. + </p> + <p> + "We shall," said Tom, "by a call on Merrywell after six weeks residence + among the gay blades that inhabit the walls of the King's Bench, have all + the benefit of his previous observation. He will be able to delineate the + characters, consciences, and conduct of his neighbours. He will describe + all the comforts and advantages of a college life, introduce us to the + Bloods and the Blacks, and, in short, there are few persons I know, except + Sparkle himself, more able to conduct us through the intricacies of the + Building, to point out the beauty and excellence of the establishment, its + uses and abuses, than Merrywell." + </p> + <p> + "Do they charge any thing on admittance?"enquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "O yes," was the reply, "they charge you, by a public <span class="pagenum">[35]</span> + notice in the lobby, not to convey into the interior any spirituous + liquors, on pain of being yourself discharged from thence, and confined + elsewhere. Bless your soul, why the King's Bench is a little world within + itself, a sort of epitome of London; it is in a healthy situation, and the + space which it occupies is extensive. There are in all 224 rooms, and they + measure each about 14 or 16 feet by 12 or 13; of these, eight are called + State-rooms, are much larger than the rest, and more commodious; and a + well-breech'd customer may have almost any accommodation. It is the prison + most immediately belonging to the Court of King's Bench, and, exclusive of + debtors there sued, all persons standing in contempt of that Court, and + most of those committed under its sentence, are confined." + </p> + <p> + "And pretty generally all inhabited?" interrogated Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, and frequently it is difficult to obtain a place to sleep in even as + a chum." + </p> + <p> + Bob found himself at fault, and required an explanation of the word chum. + </p> + <p> + "The chum," replied Dashall, "is a partner or bed-fellow, a person who has + an equal right to all the comforts and conveniences of a room, previously + wholly in the possession of one." + </p> + <p> + "I understand," said Bob; "then when every room has already one occupant, + they accommodate him with a companion." + </p> + <p> + "Exactly so, and he may prove friend or foe. This, however, may be + avoided, if the student is in possession of the rubbish, by an escape into + the Rules, which extend for three miles round the priory. These Rules are + purchaseable after the following rate, viz. Ten guineas for the first + hundred pounds, and about half that sum for every hundred pounds + afterwards; day-rules, of which three may be obtained in every term, may + be purchased for 4s. 2d. for the first day, and 3s. 10d. for the rest. + Each also must give good security to the Marshal.<span class="pagenum">[36]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——The fiction of the law supposes, + That every prisoner, with means to pay, + (For he that has not this advantage loses,) + Either has business in the courts, or may; + Bond, fee, and sureties fresh prepare the way + And Mister Broothoft's manual sign declares + 'That Mister such-a-one, on such a day, + 'Hath got a rule of Court, and so repairs + 'To town, or elsewhere, call'd by his affairs.' + + This little Talisman of strange effect, + (Four shillings just and sixpence is the price) + From Bailiff's power the wearer will protect, + And nullify a Capias in a trice: + It bears a royal head in quaint device, + At least as true as that which Wellesley Pole, + With taste for English artists much too nice, + Stamp'd by Pistrucci's aid (Heaven rest his soul! + And shield henceforth the Mint from his controul.) + + In various ways the various purchasers + That sally forth with this protecting spell, + Employ the privilege this grant confers: + Some, like myself, their lawyer's citadel + Besiege, his speed long striving to impel; + To take a dinner with a friend some go; + In fashion's haunts some for an hour to swell; + Some strive, what creditors intend, to know; + And some the moments on their love bestow." +</pre> + <p> + "Thus you have a full, true, and particular, as well as amusing account, + of a Day Rule, or what in the cant language of the day is termed hiring a + horse, which sometimes proves a bolter." + </p> + <p> + "And what is meant by a bolter?" + </p> + <p> + "He is one," replied Dashall, "who, having obtained the privilege of a Day + Rule, brushes off, and leaves his bondsmen, or the Marshal, to pay his + debt; or one who transgresses the bounds; but such a one when retaken, + usually undergoes some discipline from the inhabitants of the College, who + being all honourable men, set their faces against such ungentleman-like + proceedings." + </p> + <p> + "Then they do sometimes make an escape?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, notwithstanding their restrictive arrangements, such things have + occurred, and you must recollect that of Lord Cochrane, confined for the + memorable Stock Exchange hoax. The means by which it was effected, I + believe, have never been discovered; but certain it is, that he was in the + House of Commons, while a prisoner in the King's Bench, and on the first + night of his subsequent liberation, gave the casting vote against a + proposed grant to a certain Duke." + </p> + <p> + "I remember it very well, and also remember that the generality of + thinking persons considered his Lordship harshly treated." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[37]</span> "However, he is now bravely fighting the + battles of independence, increasing both his fame and fortune, while some + of the Ministerial hirelings are subjected to a similar privation. We + shall have a view of some of the residents in this renowned place of + fashionable resort; the interior of which perhaps exhibits a spectacle far + more diversified, and if possible more immoral and vicious, than the + exterior. There are quondam gentlemen of fortune, reduced either so low as + not to be able to pay for the Rules, or so unprincipled and degraded as to + have no friend at command who could with safety become their surety. + Shop-keepers, whose knavery having distanced even their extravagance, + dread the appearance of ease exhibited in the Rules and the detection of + fraud, by producing the reverse of their independence, and who even grudge + the expenditure of money, to obtain limited liberty. Uncertificated + bankrupts, and unconvicted felons; Jews—gamblers by trade—horse-dealers—money + scriveners—bill discounters—annuity procurers—disinterested + profligates—unemployed and branded attorneys—scandal mongers + and libel writers—Gazetted publicans, and the perhaps less culpable + sinners of broken officers—reduced mechanics—starving authors, + and cast-off Cyprians." + </p> + <p> + "A very comprehensive and animated account truly," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "And you will find it accurate," continued Dashall, "for the turn-out of + this dwelling of crime and misery, resembles the Piazza de Sant Marco at + Venice, in the Carnival time. There are all descriptions and classes in + society, all casts and sects, all tribes and associations, all colours, + complexions and appearances, not only of human and inhuman beings, but + also all shades, features, and conformations of vice. The Spendthrift, or + degraded man of fortune, lives by shifts, by schemes, by loans, by + sponging on the novice, by subscription, or on commiseration's uncertain + aid. He has however in perspective some visionary scheme of emolument and + dishonour blended, to put into execution as soon as he obtains his + discharge. The uncertificated Bankrupt has many opportunities left yet; he + has other dupes, other tricks of trade, other resources in reserve. The + Swindler mellows, refines, and sublimates his plan of future operations, + and associates in it, perchance, a fallen fair one, or an incipient Greek, + <span class="pagenum">[38]</span> put up in the Bench. Horse-dealers, + money scriveners, bill doers, attorneys, &c. have either the means of + setting up again, or some new system of roguery to be put in practice, in + fresh time and place, which may conduct them to the harbour of Fortune, or + waft them over the herring pond at the expence of the public purse. The + disinterested Profligate here either consumes, corrupts, and festers, + under the brandy fever and despair, or is put up by a gambler, who sells + his art to his brother debtors, and thus lives in hope of yet turning the + honest penny in imitation of those who have gone before him. The Cyprian, + still exercising her allurements, lingers and decays until persecution + loses the point of its arrow, and drops from the persecutor's hand, + grasping more hardly after money, and opening from the clenched attitude + of revenge. Then, to conclude the picture, there are youths living upon + the open infamy of easy-hearted women, who disgrace and ruin themselves + without the walls, in order to pamper the appetite and humour the whims of + a favourite within, thus sacrificing one victim to another. Partners + carrying on trade in the world, communing with their incarcerated partners + in durance vile. Misery and extravagance, rude joy and frantic fear, with + more passions than the celebrated Collins ever drew, and with more scenes, + adventures, and vicissitudes, than ever Jonathan Wild or any other + Jonathan exhibited." + </p> + <p> + "Excellent description," exclaimed Bob. + </p> + <p> + "And you shall have ocular demonstration of its absolute existence; nay, + this sketch might serve for many other places of confinement, the Fleet, + &c. They are like the streets of the Metropolis, constantly varying in + their company, according to entrances and exits of their visitors." + </p> + <p> + "This, however," continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, "is rather a mental + picture of what we shall presently witness in reality, a sort of + introductory sketch by way of passport through the doors of this Panorama + of Beal Life, to which you will shortly be introduced; a sort of ideal, or + dramatic sketch of its inhabitants <i>en masse</i>, before the drawing up + of the curtain." + </p> + <p> + The eagerness of Bob to listen to his Cousin's sketches of London society, + on the one hand, and the earnestness with which Dashall had been + exercising his imaginary powers, on the other, had led our perambulators + to the <span class="pagenum">[39]</span> foot of Blackfriar's Bridge, on + their road to the King's Bench, without any particular circumstance + exciting their attention; when Bob, suddenly twitching his Cousin by the + arm, and directing his eye at the same time to a thin spare figure of a + man, without hat or coat, who was rapidly passing towards Fleet market, + enquired who it was, and what was his occupation or calling. + </p> + <p> + "Don't you hear his calling?" was the reply. + </p> + <p> + "Hot, hot, hot, pudding hot!" was in a moment vociferated in his ears, + while the active and industrious mercantile pedestrian, with a swing of + his head, which was in continual motion from right to left, gave Bob a + wipe in the eye with his tail, which by the velocity of the wearer was + kept in full play like the pendulum of a clock, or the tail of Matthews in + his admirable delineation of Sir Fretful Plagiary. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," cries Bob, "it is true I may hear, but I can't pretend to say I + can see; who the devil is he? there is no looking at him, he seems to + leave time and space behind him; where is he?" + </p> + <p> + Tom laughed heartily, while Bob rubbed his eyes in vain to obtain another + view. + </p> + <p> + "That," said Dashall, "is a sort of Commissary, a dealer in stores for the + stomach—red hot pudding, all hot, and commonly called the Flying + Pieman."{1}<span class="pagenum">[40]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 James Sharpe Eglaud, more commonly known in the streets of + the Metropolis by the appellation of the Flying Pieman, may + fairly be held forth as an example of what may be effected + by persevering industry and activity, especially in a large + and populous city. Those qualities, joined with a moderate + share of prudence, cannot fail to ensure to every man at + least comfort and respectability, it" not competence and + wealth, however humble his sphere, and however unpromising + his beginnings. He was bred to the sedentary trade of a + tailor, and worked for some years with his relation, Mr. + Austerbury, of Friday Street, Cheapside; but love, which + works so many changes, and which has ere now transformed + blacksmiths into painters, and which induced Hercules to + exchange his club for the distaff, caused this Knight of the + Steel Bar to relinquish the shop-board and patch up his + fortune by the patty-pan. He married his landlady, a widow, + who resided in Turnmill Street, Clerkenwell. He had a soul + above buttons, and abandoned the making of garments to cover + the outside, in order to mould cakes, pies, and other small + pastry, to comfort the internals. His active genius, + however, could not brook the tedious task of serving his + customers behind the counter; he therefore took up his + eatables and went abroad in quest of them, and we doubt not + he has found this practice, which he has continued ever + since, very profitable. The neatness and cleanliness of his + appearance at all times are truly pleasing. Hail, rain, or + shine, he may be seen abroad without coat or hat; his hair + powdered, his shirt sleeves turned up to his elbows, and a + steel hanging on his apron-string. Originally he carried a + tin case, something like a Dutch oven, in which he + constantly kept a lire, but is now generally seen with a + small tray. In serving a customer, he never touches his + pudding with his hands, but has a knife for the purpose of + presenting it to the purchasers, and his sale is so + extensive, that he is obliged to replenish several times in + a day; and in order to secure a regular and ready supply, + his female partner and himself convey a quantity of pudding + to a certain distance, and deposit their load at some + public-house, where she takes care to keep it "all hot," + while Egland scours the neighbourhood in search of + customers. The first cargo being disposed of he returns for + more, and by this method he has it always fresh, and is + never in want of goods. + + Many laughable anecdotes are told of this flying pieman, and + perhaps a day's excursion in following him during his + peregrinations would furnish much of curious and interesting + amusement. We shall however select one, authenticated by his + appearance at Marlborough Street Police Office on Monday, + July 8, 1821, as most intimately connected with Real Life in + London; when he preferred a serious charge against a Beggar, + no other than the president of a smoking club in the Holy + Land, and others, for stealing his mutton pies, cutting off + his tail, and otherwise disfiguring his person. By the + evidence of Egland, it appeared that he was introduced, with + his goods for sale, to a company chiefly consisting of + street beggars in St. Giles's, the chair at that moment + being filled by a beggar without hands, well known in the + vicinity of the Admiralty as a chalker of the pavement. The + dignity of the chair was well sustained by this ingenious + colourer, who was smoking a pipe as great as an alderman + over a bason of turtle soup; but no sooner did Egland make + his appearance, than the company seized upon his goods and + crammed them down their throats, in spite of the repeated + vociferations of "honour, honour, Gentlemen," from the + assailed. Resistance was vain, and Egland in this dilemma + began to consider that his only safety lay in flight. This, + however, he found equally impracticable; he was detained, + and by way of consolation for his loss, was called upon for + a song. His lungs were good, and although his spirits were + not much exhilarated by the introductory part of the + entertainment, he began to "tip 'em a stave;" but whilst he + was chanting "The stormy winds do blow," a fellow cut off + his tail. This was worse than all the rest; it was, as it + were, a part of his working tools, and the loss of it was + likely to injure his business by an alteration of his + appearance, and could not be tacitly submitted to. + + The magistrates gravely considering this a most serious + charge of unprovoked attack upon an industrious individual, + ordered the parties to find bail, in default of fully + satisfying the inoffensive dealer in pastry, which was + accordingly done. + + In the year 1804, scorning to be behindhand in loyalty as + well as activity, he became a member of the Clerkenwell + Volunteers, and was placed in the light company, in which + capacity he obtained the character not only of being the + cleanest man, but the best soldier in the regiment. + + It is said, that for amusement, or the gratification of a + whim, he will sometimes walk a distance of fifty or a + hundred miles from the Metropolis, and return the same way. + On such occasions he always manages to take some companion + or friend out with him, but was never known to come back in + the same company; for so irresistibly are they allured + forward by his inexhaustible fund of humour and + sprightliness of conversation, that they seldom think of the + distance till they find themselves too far from home to + return on foot. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[41]</span>"Then," said Bob, "he is not like some of + the London dealers, who invite their customers to taste and try before + they buy, for he scarcely seems to afford a chance of seeing what he + sells." + </p> + <p> + "You did not try him," replied Tom, "nor would he have expected you to be + a customer. He is a remarkable character, well known all over the + Metropolis. Particularly noted for his activity in disposing of his goods; + never standing still for a moment, but accosting with extraordinary ease + and fluency every person who appears likely to be a purchaser; always + ready with an answer to any question, but delivering it with so much + volubility, that it is impossible to propose a second enquiry, suiting at + the same time his answer to the apparent quality of the querist, though + frequently leaving it unfinished in search of a customer, and moving on + with so much rapidity, that you may almost find him at the same moment at + Tower Hill, Billingsgate, and Spa Fields; at Smithfield, Temple Bar, and + Piccadilly; indeed he may be said to be in all quarters of the town in a + space of time incredibly short for a man who obtains a livelihood by + seeking customers as he moves along." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," cried Bob, "this walking genius, this credible incredible, and + visible invisible pedestrian dealer in portable eatables, has almost + blinded me. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "For, by this flying pieman, + I've nearly lost an eye, man." +</pre> + <p> + "Come," said Tom, "I've no fear of your eye while you can muster a + couplet; so let us proceed." + </p> + <p> + Crossing Black friars Bridge, and approaching the road, Bob, who had + assuaged the pain of which he had previously <span class="pagenum">[42]</span> + been complaining, could not help admiring the extensive range of nouses on + each side of the way, terminated by a handsome building in the distance. + </p> + <p> + "That Building," said Dashall, "will be the extent of our journey, for + very near to it is the habitation of Merrywell, where I entertain no doubt + you will find enough for observation of a useful as well as a humorous + nature: for an epitome of men and manners is there to be obtained." + </p> + <p> + "Here are abundance of subjects worthy of inspection in this quarter," + replied Tom, "and we therefore ought not to exhaust too much time on one, + so let us proceed: do you see that high wall to the right? That is the + Magdalen Hospital,{1} established for the relief and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The Magdalen Hospital in Blackfriars Road, enclosed from + public view, occupies an extensive space of ground, and is + from the nature of its inhabitants very properly so + enclosed. It was opened in the year 1758, and it must be a + delightful reflection to its governors, that during the + period it has subsisted, more than two-thirds of the women + who have been admitted have been reconciled to their + friends, or placed in honest employments or reputable + services: besides which, a very considerable portion have + since been married, and are at this moment respectable + members of society: circumstances which prove the great and + important utility of this admirable institution. + + There is no prescribed time for the objects of this charity + to remain in the house, it being varied according to + circumstances. Every effort is made use of to find out their + relations and friends, if possible, to bring about a + reconciliation with them, and if they prove to be persons of + character, to put them under their protection. If, however, + the young women are destitute of such friends, they are kept + in the house till an opportunity offers of placing them in + reputable services, or otherwise procuring them the means of + obtaining an honest livelihood, and they never discharge any + one without providing for her. There have been but few + discharged beyond the age of twenty years. + + The general business of the establishment is conducted by a + Committee consisting of 32 Governors, who meet at the + Hospital every Thursday at twelve o'clock precisely, except + on the first Thursday of every mouth, when they meet at + eleven. Two of them attend at the Chapel in rotation every + Sunday at morning and evening service, when a collection is + made at the door on entrance. The hours of divine service + are a quarter after eleven in the forenoon, and a quarter + after six in the evening; and on account of the fascination + of the singing, no place of worship in the Metropolis is + more worthy of the notice of strangers. + + An opportunity is afforded to companies who wish to visit + this charity, by addressing a request by letter to the + Committee any Thursday, or to A. Bonnet, Esq. the Treasurer, + any day in the week, and no fees are allowed to be taken. +</pre> + <p> + reformation of wretched outcasts from society. The principle on which it + is founded, entitles it to the countenance and support of the public, and + particularly of the female sex, the object being to reclaim and restore to + virtue such wanderers in the labyrinths of vice as are not totally + depraved."<span class="pagenum">[43]</span> + </p> + <p> + "Admirable intentions indeed," cried Tallyho, "if they are but as well + carried into effect." + </p> + <p> + "The records of the establishment have proved its advantages to society, + or rather, I should say, to its conductors, for they are of a nature which + cannot be publicly exposed, without much private injury to the individuals + who partake of them. It is, however, not a little remarkable, that till + lately, on the very opposite side of the road, the neighbourhood has + exhibited scenes of vice, immorality, and indecency, which it is the great + object of this Charity if possible to prevent, by an endeavour to reclaim + the miserable and deluded wretches from their evil ways. I remember the + late John Home Tooke related in the House of Commons a curious anecdote, + in allusion to himself and his situation at the time, in which this + institution was mentioned, and which excited considerable interest. + </p> + <p> + "It is well known that the late John Home Tooke, of political memory as + the reputed tutor of a certain patriotic Baronet of the present day, as + well as the author of the Diversions of Purley, and a correspondent of the + yet undiscovered Junius, was a reverend divine of the Church of England; + and when he became a Member of Parliament, it was objected against him + that no person in Holy Orders could hold a seat in the honourable House of + Commons. In his reply, he very ingeniously observed, that this objection + reminded him of an applicant for admission to the Magdalen, who, upon + being exhorted by the Chaplain to forsake her evil ways, replied that she + was not aware of his meaning, and upon explanation she was excluded from + the Charity, because she was not bad enough to require reforming. 'This,' + said Mr. Home Tooke, 'is exactly my case; because I am in Holy Orders I + must leave the House, and after committing some act of impropriety to lose + my gown, I may yet be eligible for a Member of this Assembly.'" + </p> + <p> + "Pointed enough," said Bob Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied Tom; "and having mentioned the name of the man, you may + perhaps recollect the order of the day, <span class="pagenum">[44]</span> + as well as the curious definition (before the Commissioners of the Income + Tax) as to how a man lives who has no income at all. Being interrogated by + the Commissioners, as to how he obtained his living, Mr. Home Tooke + replied as follows:—'Why, it appears to me, Gentlemen, that there + are three modes by which a person may obtain a living; the first is by + begging—now this I am too proud to submit to;—the second, by + stealing—this I don't choose to resort to;—and the third is by + the exercise of the wits—and this, Gentlemen, I presume, you know + nothing about.' + </p> + <p> + "Here," said Dashall, "is the Surrey Theatre, formerly denominated the + Royal Circus. I shall, however, dispatch my description of it in a very + few words, as we will ere long pay a visit to its interior. It is a neat + building, and shews a good front to the road; is fitted up with a + considerable degree of elegance, and is a very convenient theatre. It was + originally conducted by Hughes and Jones, and its exhibitions were both + scenic and equestrian, something in the style of what Astley's + Amphitheatre is now; but you must see the one in order to form an idea of + the other. Horses are now banished at this place, where, under an annual + license from the magistrates of the county, burlettas, melodramas, + dancing, and pantomimes are got up, and performed in a style which would + not disgrace even the patent theatres. It is at present under the + management of Mr. Dibdin, a son of the celebrated writer of so many of our + national, patriotic, and characteristic ballads.—Just through the + turnpike, the building which gives a sort of finish to the road, is the + School for the Indigent Blind; at the back of which is the Philanthropic + Institution, calculated to unite the purposes of charity with those of + industry and police, to rescue from destruction the offspring of the + vicious and criminal; and Bethlem Hospital, for the care and cure of + insane persons, well deserving of minute inspection; and to the right, at + the corner of a road which leads from Westminster Bridge towards Vauxhall, + is an Asylum for Female Orphans, which, as the Magdalen was intended to + reclaim prostitutes, was originally intended to prevent prostitution. To + the left again is the King's Bench; and as that is our present place of + destination, we will forego any further description, till another + opportunity. + </p> + <p> + "I cannot, however, refrain a few remarks on the <span class="pagenum">[45]</span>situation + we are now in, for from this place may be seen the children of penance + (the Magdalen); the children of darkness (the School for the Indigent + Blind); the insane (New Bethlem); the infatuated and fanatic (the + congregations of the Zoar Chapel, and the faithful of mewses, garrets, and + wooden tabernacles); the children of Thespis and Terpsichore (the Surrey + Theatre), mingled together as it were with the debtor and the captive (the + King's Bench): at least, placing ourselves at this obelisk in the centre + of the road, the mind's eye can comprehend them within a short distance of + each other." + </p> + <p> + "And a curious admixture of the useful and the sweet it certainly is," + exclaimed Tallyho, anxious to give his Cousin a little respite, while they + turned to the left on their way to the Bench. + </p> + <p> + "You will find," continued Tom, "all the before-mentioned infirmities, + blindness, infatuation, madness, and profligacy, within the walls that we + shall shortly enter, without the repentant spirit of the Sisters within + the walls we have just passed. You will also find there is a plenty of + self-interest and hypocrisy combined with them; nay, an hospital of + incurables is only wanting to complete the scene. It is not till lately + that a little reform has been effected in this quarter, for Dover Street + and its vicinity, as I before observed, so near to these benevolent + charities and to the walls of a prison, have been the sink of female + profligacy, of the lowest, most dangerous, and most disgusting kind; and + suffered too long to pollute the streams of charity and impede the road to + reform. However, at length the nuisance is removed, at least the public + appearance of it, though the neighbourhood is not altogether bereft of its + private negociations and stolen accommodations. But come, now for an + interior view of the. Abbott's Park, its interesting scenery, and its + multi-farious characters. There you shall see what you shall see, and + Merrywell will tell you more in ten minutes than you might wish to know in + your whole life, I mean practically, though it is well to know in theory + what ought never to be reduced to experiment."<span class="pagenum">[46]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0004" id="link32HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——Give me leave to ask a question; + Pray, in the King's Bench have you ever been? + The Bench! Good Heaven! how shocking a suggestion! + Was e'er so saucy a companion seen? + + Well, you ne'er saw the place; or if you did, + 'Twere better not too closely to surmise; + Enough, enough, those frowns the thought forbid, + Who sees too much is rarely counted wise; + I rather boast that mine are prudent eyes; + Persons and things so quietly they read, + Nor by a glance confess they scrutinize, + That thoughtless lookers think me blind indeed, + When of themselves I take the strictest heed. + But since you wish me to believe that College + Ne'er gave its finish to your education, + I, of its laws and customs having knowledge, + Ere I take up the thread of my narration, + Must say a little for your information." +</pre> + <p> + THEY had now passed the outer gates of the prison, and entered a court + yard surrounded by a wall, which enclosed some good looking houses. + </p> + <p> + "These houses," said Dashall, "are occupied by the principal officers of + the place, and devoted to purposes of business, or let out by them for the + accommodation of those who' have purchased the privilege of the Rules. + This door directly opposite the gate, is the only entrance to the Park." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0002" id="link3image-0002"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page046.jpg" alt="Page46 King's Bench " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + They next passed up the steps, and entered a gloomy apartment, where after + a few minutes a Turnkey, surveying their persons rather minutely, opened + the ponderous door, which admitted them to an inner court of confined + dimensions. Bob looked around him with surprise after the description of + his Cousin, and began to think he had been vamping up imaginary pictures + of what was not to be realized; however, hearing a variety of voices, and + perceiving another gate, he quelled his conjectures and <span + class="pagenum">[47]</span> followed Dashall, who, upon knocking at the + door, was surveyed from a sort of loop-hole by the keeper within, who + quickly gave them entrance; and the spacious appearance of the parade, + racquet ground, and habitations, and a moving panorama of personages of + both sexes, attracted his immediate attention. + </p> + <p> + Gazing with enquiring eyes upon this world-within-walls,{1} they scarcely + heeded the variety of salutations with which they were greeted on + entering, such as nods, winks, and touches on the shoulder from one who + appeared as unconscious of such familiarity as if he had for some time + been wholly absorbed in the solution of a mathematical problem, or the + horse-laugh of the ignorant and vulgar, by whom they found themselves + surrounded. Struggling through the throng, Dashall impelled his Cousin + forward, repeating as he proceeded, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "How many o'er this threshold pass that mouru, + Wanting our power at pleasure to return; + A moment let us pause ere we ascend + The gallery that leads us to our friend; + Survey the place, where all that meets your view, + Is full of interest, and strangely new. + Could we but hide those grinning spikes awhile, + Borne spacious barrack we might think the pile." +</pre> + <p> + "However," continued he, "I perceive we are quizzed, we will just take a + turn round, and probably we may meet Merrywell, if not, we will soon find + him out by enquiry. You perceive, they have the accommodation of a + butcher's shop, and a baker's, besides green stalls, fish stalls, and + chandlers' shops, which give the place the appearance of a public market, + while the racquet players and others amusing themselves in various ways, + resemble that of a fair." + </p> + <p> + "Indeed," said Tallyho, "your description is just, for I have as yet seen + but few sorrowful faces, every one seems to have some object in view, + either of business or pleasure, almost as attractive as those without the + walls." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[48]</span> "And in many instances," continued + Dashall, "of as much, nay, more interest. However, you perceive the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The walls of the King's Bench are about thirty feet high, + sur-mounted by a <i>chevaux de frieze</i>, and as a place of + confinement, it is of great though uncertain antiquity. +</pre> + <p> + accommodation of the inmates has been studied by the founders of the + College. Water is well supplied from four pumps, and were it not that the + walls intercept the views, a man here might almost consider himself in his + own habitation, with only one drawback." + </p> + <p> + "And what is that?" enquired Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Merely, that like the starling, he can't get out." + </p> + <p> + "How now," said Merry well, who had espied the entrance of his friends + from the window of his apartment, and immediately descended to greet them—touching + the Honourable Tom Dashall on the shoulder, while he seized Bob by the + opposite arm. + </p> + <p> + "What are you a'ter, exploring the secrets of the prison-house?" + </p> + <p> + Mutual congratulations having passed, Merrywell welcomed them to his + habitation, significantly informing them at the same time, that + notwithstanding his powers of entertainment were just then not what he + could wish, all was right, the trick was done, that he was arranging for a + house in the Rules, <i>pro tempore</i>, and that it would not be long + before he should have the honour of meeting them in a way that would be + more agreeable to all parties. "However," continued he, "if you can bear a + confined apartment, I promise you shall have nothing else to complain of. + Can you put up with pot-luck in a prison?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly," was the reply, "our object was to spend a convivial hour with + you, to wile away a little of the time, to see and learn, to take a peep + at things as they are, and to form our judgments upon their existence." + </p> + <p> + "Then," replied Merrywell, "you have arrived <i>en bon heure</i>, for in + this place a volume of information may be obtained, which, if judiciously + applied, must prove beneficial; and while dinner is preparing, I can + afford you abundance of amusement; so come along, we must move round this + way to the gate again, in order to take any thing like an accurate survey, + and I can furnish some anecdotes of the paraders, the players, the + officers of the Court, and the visitors, which cannot fail to prove + interesting. This, however, must be done with caution, for suspicion is + ever active, and jealousy constantly awake within these walls; and as I + mean to give you sketches of individual characters, rather than a general + view of <span class="pagenum">[49]</span> the society with which I am now + in association, a little discretion may be well made use of." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Now let us analyse, but not too loud, + If wise, the composition of this crowd; + Made up from native soil and foreign clime, + Of waste and folly, accident and crime. + Here join the Speculator and the Fool, + Greybeards, and youngsters rather tit for school, + (At least for any school but this alone, + Where College vices in the shade are thrown.) + Of pugilists, of haberdashers, jugglers, + Horse jockeys, swindlers, Bond Street beaux, and smugglers, + By hollow friendship some in prison thrown, + By others' follies some—more by their own." +</pre> + <p> + By this time they had traversed round the open walk of the prison, and on + arriving at the place of entrance— + </p> + <p> + "Do you observe that small building on the right? it is called the State + House, and contains the largest and most convenient rooms; it is usually + devoted to the accommodation of such as are best enabled to pay; and there + are persons residing here, who live as well, and in as dashing a style as + those without the walls, or at least pay as much for their living. On the + left hand you may also perceive the chapel, for the spiritual wants of + those confined are not to be forgotten." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "There, in the centre, is the chapel door, + With ever changing notices spread o'er: + Whatever doctrines may within be taught, + With words of peace that door is rarely fraught: + For there, mid notices of beds for hire, + Of concerts in the state-house by desire, + Some ill-spelt scrawl demands the mighty debt + Of half a crown, with a ferocious threat; + Some traitorous agent is denounced; some spy, + That blabb'd of gin, is hung in effigy; + Here angry fools proclaim the petty jar, + And clumsy pasquinades provoke to war." +</pre> + <p> + By this time they had reached the door of the Chapel, which, by the + various placards pasted against it, fully confirmed the description of + Merrywell. + </p> + <p> + Bob, casting his eyes around him, discovered much for enquiry. "Who are + those in the corner in close conversation together?" + </p> + <p> + "The farthest from us," replied Merrywell, "is a Jew attorney, well + acquainted with all the shuffling arts of the <span class="pagenum">[50]</span> + place; one who can explain the whole game, from raising the wind, down to + the White-washing Act, for the knowledge and experience of gentlemen in + these days are astonishing. You would scarcely believe it, but such is the + fact, there are rakes of quality and of fashion, who are their own + farriers, horse dealers, who know every trick upon the cards and dice—cutting, + shuffling, slipping, cogging, securing; who have cards and dice always at + hand, and ready made to their hand; who, although they are awake to a good + thing, know the odds to a nicety, and can give or take according as it may + best suit their purpose, yet are not properly initiated in all requisite + mysteries, till a sort of finish is given to their education, by a + temporary retirement here; where they learn a sufficiency of the law to + give information on all the quirks and quibbles of the arrest laws, of + bailing, demurring, justifying bail, putting in bail above, of writs of + error, county and Marshalsea writs, of letters of licence, the laws + against usury, the bankrupt laws, and finally of acts of grace; perhaps + the last and only one in their lives bearing that name: but we must walk + on, or we may be overheard." + </p> + <p> + "Then," said Dashall, "you are by this time pretty well acquainted with + the characters of your companions, and expect to leave the College with + more information than you previously possessed." + </p> + <p> + "No doubt of it," was the reply; "but as my case was not desperate, I have + not sought desperate remedies. I am at this moment supposed by certain + friends of mine to be in the gay city of Paris, enjoying all the luxuries + of the Thuilleries, the Louvre, the Palais Royal, and the Elysian Fields; + and I doubt not I shall be able to convince an old rich uncle of mine of + the fact. And as my expectations chiefly rest on him, and he cannot last + long, I shall upon liberation make my approaches to him with a little of + the French polish I am preparing while here. This, however, is selfish + conversation." + </p> + <p> + "Yet perfectly in point," continued Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "And equally interesting too," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Do you see," said Merrywell, "that young man buttoned up to the chin, in + what has been a blue great coat? He is one of the lecturers." + </p> + <p> + "Lecturers?" enquired Tallyho; "what, have you lectures in the College?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[51]</span> "Undoubtedly we have, on subjects of the + utmost importance too. That young man, who began the world with slender + property, but who contrived by a strict adherence to ways and means to cut + a dashing figure, and live as if he had a large fortune, is in possession + of volumes of information, which he is willing to retail to such as + require it. What are termed lecturers here, are needy debtors, who put up + young men less knowing than themselves, for money or for a dinner; and his + experience is great, for when he had worn out all quarters of the town in + the way of trick, when the fashionable watering places were teeming with + clamorous creditors, when he was expelled from all the clubs in + consequence of not paying his subscriptions, nay, when he owed almost all + the waiters money, he came to this place nearly pennyless, and now, by + singing a good song, telling a tough story, and occasionally giving + lectures to his brothers in confinement, he manages to get a good dinner + daily, and seldom goes to bed sober." + </p> + <p> + "Then his ways and means are not yet exhausted; he must be a good + financier, and might be made very useful to the Minister," replied Tom; + "and it is really a pity such talents are not duly appreciated." + </p> + <p> + "Who is that little stout man who passed you just now with a nod of the + head?" enquired Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "That," answered Merrywell, "is Capt. W——, a sort of walking + automaton, a kind of medley of incomprehensibles, something like pedants' + periods, very inanimate, and as you perceive, very round. He was formerly + a button maker, but having a desire to sink the shank, he enlisted under + the banners of Cupid, paid his addresses to one of the Queen's maids, + carried the fortress by a <i>coup de main</i>, and gained a safe lodgement + in the covert way, by taking the oath of allegiance at the altar of Hymen. + Spurning buttons, he aspired to the epaulette, and was appointed paymaster + to the 7th Hussars. Then he set up a coach to run to and from Maidenhead. + This being one iron too many in the fire, soon became too hot for him. He + defaulted for a considerable sum, and has been in quod for four years. + Here comes a beau of the first order, a Colonel, and a most determined + Dandy, even in confinement. Colonel R—— adheres as much to the + nicety of dress in this place, as he would for a military appearance on + parade. He <span class="pagenum">[52]</span> is Colonel of the New Grenada + Horse. I have not yet learned much of his former pursuits or his origin. + There is, however, an anecdote of him circulated, which prove the + admirable fitness of such a person for such a command. It is said that + when he obtained his appointment, he very significantly asked the General, + what stocks he should have for his guns, meaning the gun carriages." + </p> + <p> + "That's a little too severe," cried Dashall, laughing at the same time, + "it was but a <i>lapsus linguæ</i>, such as might happen to any man." + </p> + <p> + "I claim no merit in the relation," was the reply; "however, it has raised + many a laugh at his expence, and as I had it so you now have it. But we + have other game in view, and must not be exhausting our time in + criticising immaterial points of propriety. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Here ruin'd Lawyers, ruin'd Clients meet; + Here Doctors their consumptive Patients greet, + Sick of one malady that mocks all skill, + Without the true specific golden pill + Here finished Tailors, never to be paid, + Turn eyes on many a coat themselves have made; + And Bailiffs, caught by their own arts at last, + Meet those their capias yesterday made fast. + There stalks a youth whose father, for reform, + Has shut him up where countless vices swarm. + But little is that parent skill'd to trace + The springs of action,—little knows the place, + Who sends an ailing mind to where disease + Its inmost citadel of health may seize." +</pre> + <p> + "You entertain us with a diversity of mental dishes," said Tom; "Manacles, + Mammon, and Morality, dance through the mazes of your imagination in rapid + and admirable succession—I wonder you don't commence Lecturer." + </p> + <p> + "I do not conceive myself qualified, and as I have no real occasion to be + a pretender, I leave it to those who have.—O! there goes a curiosity— + </p> + <p> + "If you look sharp you'll see the short knee'd breeches, Brown hat and + powdered head of stalking P—tch—s." + </p> + <p> + "He is known here by the title of Don; he has been a long resident within + these walls, has seen much of Life, and is still a gay fellow. He was + formerly a Member of Parliament, but not being able to overrule the + Speaker, he out-run the Constable, and was seized by <span class="pagenum">[53]</span> + the Bailiffs. He is, however, a jolly companion, and lives well; but to + show his contempt for riches, he has actually seated his inexpressibles + with the parchment title deeds of his own estate, with impressions similar + to the old song— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Why should we quarrel for riches, + Or any such glittering toys? + A tight heart and a thin pair of breeches + Will go through the world, my brave boye." +</pre> + <p> + "Who is that with the rackets under his arm?" enquired Bob. + </p> + <p> + "That is Baker, a sort of privileged man, who is allowed the advantages of + supplying the inmates with rackets, balls, &c. He lends rackets, sells + balls, keeps scores, and occasionally carries on the haberdashery trade." + </p> + <p> + "Then he is a shop-keeper, I suppose." + </p> + <p> + "He is a measurer of tape" replied Merry well, "by way of refreshment, or + in other words, under safe circumstances, can spin out Old Tom or + Blue-ruin." + </p> + <p> + "I understand," said Bob, "a little of the Cratur." + </p> + <p> + "Here," continued Merry well, "is the coach-maker to the late Christophe, + King of Hayti, Mr. H—— of Long Acre notoriety. This gentleman + bought a considerable estate, which, with true parental regard, he settled + on his daughter, and paying for his purchase by his residence here, + whether his intentions will be fulfilled or not, so as to obtain + liberation by the Whitewashing Act, no one at present can tell—and + Colville is taking his walks—he is one of the Janitors, and Crier of + the place. He has a Stentorian voice, which is a part of his business to + exercise in calling the prisoners. I know but little of him, and even that + is not worth knowing. He, however, has the character of being an informer, + and I am not aware that he is in possession of any good qualities. I + shall, therefore, rather give a slight sketch of the office he holds, than + of the person.<span class="pagenum">[54]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Whoe'er one night has slept within these walls, + Has heard the din that each new comer calls, + To where the keen-eyed Turnkeys wait to trace + The lineaments of every novel face. + Each morning thro' the Bench goes forth a cry, + By Colville sent thro' every gallery high. + To number "One," peals round the shout from "Ten," + Far rolling heard, "Pull up! now Gentlemen!" +</pre> + <p> + "This is the custom with every new comer, and is productive sometimes of + much mirth to some, but of infinite mortification to others, according to + the circumstances of the case. As it would occupy some time to describe + them, I shall give you a poetical sketch of a morning in the Bench; and by + the introduction of a fictitious name, make you acquainted with a general + practice. Imagine for a moment, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Rous'd by the force of that Stentorian sound, + Rose Belcour, dressed, and soon the lobby found. + About the door a throng of varlets stood, + A grinning and ill-favoured brotherhood, + That scoff and gibe at every wight that wears + Linen less black, or better coat than theirs. + For these, young Belcour was too fair a mark; + 'Make way,' cries one, 'he's going to the Park: + His horses wait; he's going for a ride.' + 'Fool, 'tis his tilbury,' another cried; + 'D'ye think his lordship rides without his spurs?' + 'A curse upon such base unmanner'd curs,' + Between his teeth impatient Belcour mutter'd, + As each his wit so truly attic utter'd; + Then, 'mid the laughter of the brutal throng, + Dark frowning through the door he moved along. + Within the upper lobby Morris sate, + And touch'd with easy complaisance his hat; + And cried, not deigning from his seat to stir, + 'We hope you're pretty comfortable, Sir. + 'These chaps about the door are rather rum; + 'But, love you! So they do to all that come.' + Short was the conference; the Turnkey's look + Quick cognizance of Belcour's features took; + And never, from that hour might he pass by + Unnoted by that well-observing eye." +</pre> + <p> + "Well," said Tallyho, "I must confess such scrutiny on the one part, and + such observations on the other, would be more than likely to ruffle my + temper, and I should be apt to signify my disapprobation, at least of all + that was unnecessary." + </p> + <p> + "In that case," replied Merry well, "you would only subject yourself to + additional torment: you would have songs, epigrams, lampoons, and epitaphs + in abundance, which would prove still more irritating; for this is the + seat of learning and of wit, of poets, painters, and musicians, who, being + enraptured with their own arts, neglect that of book-keeping, till a + residence here gives them a leisure opportunity to close their ledgers. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[55]</span> Speaking on that subject, by the by, we + have among us, at this moment, the publishers of the John Bull, whose + combined efforts in the way of scurrility have rendered them notorious + among the periodicals of present times. There is, however, little of + public attraction about them; and although they profess to have a + subscription opened, to enable them to pay the fine imposed upon them, it + is doubted whether any such is really in existence. Here, however, is a + character of another description: + </p> + <p> + Captain K—— is still a gay fellow, though I apprehend rather + what we call hard up just now. He has had the opportunity of expending a + very considerable property in seeing Life, but if report say true, it has + been chiefly exhausted among the fair sex, and coffee-house keepers. + Seldom much depressed in spirits, let the world wag as it will, he + sometimes gives good dinners and enjoys himself with a friend, though I + suspect that can, under present circumstances, only be done when he can + pitch the gammon to the wine merchant, and induce him to stand the + nonsense." + </p> + <p> + "And do wine merchants give credit to persons in confinement?" enquired + Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Certainly," was the reply, "for services done or promised to be done, or + upon the security of some friend, who perhaps intends soon after to pay + his engagements by a similar mode to that of the person whose debt he + pretends to secure. No place can be found where the study of ways and + means is more closely attended to than this. Of our prisons in general, + much the same may be said as of our gaming houses; very few get out of + them as they went in. A dupe is the general character of those who first + enter; but they seldom fail to acquire that of knave before their + departure. The air is infectious, the society fatal to morality and to + honesty; few pass through the ordeal with purity, and return + uncontaminated to the world; and yet, after all the frauds, tricks, and + speculations practised, it is well to be acquainted with them, in order to + guard against the recurrence, if a man can but have fortitude enough to + avoid practising them himself.<span class="pagenum">[56]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Think not that the action of the place + Is all revealed upon this open space; + The darkest portion of the picture lies + Obscur'd and cover'd up from public eyes; + Here much you see, that bids you all mistrust, + Much that provokes aversion and disgust; + New friends, who coolly ask a one pound note, + Or borrow for an hour, then pawn, your coat. + Such stuff as this upon the surface swims; + He little sees who but the surface skims. + How much of fraud and finished wickedness, + How much of deep despair and keen distress, + Thought of by few, and seen by none, the while, + Is chamber'd in the niches of this pile!" +</pre> + <p> + "Zounds," cried Dashall, "your pictures have so much light and shade, so + much to admire, and so much to condemn, that there is scarcely any + possibility of arriving at any conclusion.—Bless me, there is Dick + Rakewell!" + </p> + <p> + "Do you know him?" said Merry well. + </p> + <p> + "What the devil are you doing here?" cried a young man advancing, and at + the same time catching the Honourable Tom Dashall by the hand; "Are you + initiated, or merely come to take a peep at the curiosities of this + menagerie? Have you tipp'd and shewn yourself in due form; or do you still + sport a game leg among the gallants of Bond Street?" + </p> + <p> + "Fortunately," said Dashall, "I can still boast of the latter, and have no + very strong inclination to aspire to all the honour and happiness of the + former." + </p> + <p> + "Grown serious and sedate; I suppose married, and ca'nt come—pretty + wife—lots of children—love and fireside comfort at home—pleasure + abroad—cash in hand, and care for nobody. That's the sort—give + you joy with all my heart—never were such times." + </p> + <p> + "I am glad you find them so," continued Tom; "but your anticipations are a + little too rapid, and your imagination rather too vivid for my proceeding; + however, there is no knowing what we may come to; life is a labyrinth full + of turnings and windings. But what brought you here?" + </p> + <p> + "Driven in by the Philistines," was the reply; "caught like a harmless + dove by the Greeks—clean'd out.—By the cog, I was obliged to + fly to this pigeon house, in order to avoid being cut up by my creditors; + and, up to a little of the Newmarket logic, I am now crossing and justling + though it is doubtful at present who will win the race." + </p> + <p> + "You have not far to run, however," replied Dashall, "and it is therefore + fair to presume the heat will soon be over." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[57]</span> "As usual," cried Rakewell, "always + something short, but pungent, like a pinch of merry-go-up{1}—satire + and sentiment—mirth, morality, and good humour—unmarried and + still the same man. These are better subjects of congratulation than the + former." + </p> + <p> + "We shall dine at half past three," said Merry well, "and if you are + inclined to make one along with us, you will find me at home." + </p> + <p> + "I should have no objection to meet you abroad," exclaimed Rakewell; "but, + however, I'm your man. Half past three, d——nd unfashionable; + but never mind, + </p> + <p> + I'll pick a bone with you; and spite of dull care and high walls, 'locks, + bolts, and bars, we'll defy you;' and my life for it we have a jolly + afternoon. Is the cellar well stored, and the kitchen in good repair?" + </p> + <p> + "All right, my boy!" exclaimed Merrywell, "bring your bellows{2} in good + order, and don't be afraid of your bread basket.{3} The dibs are in + tune.{4} A ball of fire,{s} a dose of daffy, or a blow out of black strap, + will set the blue devils at defiance, give a spur to harmony, and set the + spirits a jogging." + </p> + <p> + "Then at half past three I'll have a turn to with you," continued + Rakewell; "so no more at present from your loving Cousin. I am going now + to call on Fred. Fearnought; that fellow has deceived me; I thought him a + trump, but he's eaten up with hopes and fears, tormented in mind, body, + and estate, no more pluck than a dunghill chick. I must stir him up with a + long pole, give him a lesson or two, touch him to the quick, and then + quickly adjourn to you; so adieu for the present." + </p> + <p> + Thus saying, he made his escape from his friends, and, passing through one + of the entrances to the interior, was quickly out of sight. + </p> + <p> + "That," said Dashall, addressing his Cousin, "was one of the gayest of the + gay in all the leading circles of <i>haut ton</i>." + </p> + <p> + "And I assure you," said Merrywell, "he has not lost one atom of his + vivacity, notwithstanding the alteration in his circumstances; he is + always full of humour, ready for a bit of fun even in confinement; he + plays, laughs, sings, drinks, and is about one of the most cheerful + companions I know."<span class="pagenum">[58]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Merry-go-up—Snuff. + + 2 Bellows—A cant term for the lungs. + + 3 Bread-basket—The stomach. + + 4 The dibs are in tune—There is plenty of money. + + 5 A ball of fire—A glass of brandy. +</pre> + <p> + "Then," rejoined Bob, "he is a philosopher, for he has learned to bear." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," continued Dashall, "but the other, and by far the most important, + part of philosophy is to forbear." + </p> + <p> + "That," said Merry well, "he yet has to learn, and I have my doubts + whether he will accomplish that desirable object while here. He has, with + a moderate allowance from his father, contrived to drive his four-in-hand + at times, to keep seven or more horses on his hunting and Town + establishments; has kept some of the most dashing and expensive ladies, + expensive male company; indulged in extravagant habits of all sorts, and + has twinkled for a while in the highest gambling circles. A run of ill + luck has at last sent him here, but not before he had honoured almost all + the horse-dealers, coach-makers, and saddlers, gunsmiths and + tavern-keepers in Town, with his custom, or rather with his name on their + books. His father is a man of considerable property, which must eventually + come to him, and he may yet form a conspicuous figure in High Life." + </p> + <p> + "What have we here?" said Tallyho, stopping to read a paper displayed in + the window of a barber's shop. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The old and only established shop at the prison + "price: shave well for one penny, hair fashionably cut + "for twopence, at 17 in 16, first staircase round the corner." +</pre> + <p> + "Seventeen in sixteen—I don't understand this." + </p> + <p> + "Each of the doors," said Merry well, "which lead to the apartments is + numbered, as is likewise every room in each passage, by which means much + facility is afforded to visitors who come to make a call upon their + friends. The operator himself is a prisoner, and so are most of those who + carry on trades; but opportunities are afforded for any person to come in + and supply articles to the inhabitants; and at an early hour in the + morning you may hear almost all the cries of London."<span class="pagenum">[59]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Milk, matches, eggs, and Epping sausages, + Greens, water-cresses, chips, geranium trees; + A brush or broom, deal wood, cow-heel, and tripe, + Fresh butter, oranges all round and ripe; + Rabbits, a kettle, jug, or coffee pot, + Eels, poultry, home-bak'd bread, and rolls all hot; + Shirt buttons, nosegays, coals, and God knows what + Such are the goods that pass the lobby door, + Cried in all tones that vary, squeak, and roar." +</pre> + <p> + "A little further on," said Merry well, "is the public kitchen, where, for + a trifling fee, cooking is performed for the prisoners, and hot water + supplied at a penny per kettle. Then there is a coffee-room and a tap-room + for general accommodation, according to the circumstances of the inmates; + so that in point of fact there is little to be regretted here, but the + loss of liberty, and the want of money." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," said Bob, "those two articles constitute all that is valuable in + life, and in their absence it dwindles into mere existence. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "And bare existence man to live ordained, + "Wrings and oppresses with enormous weight." +</pre> + <p> + "I admit the justice of the remark, for to become an article of + vegetation, were it sure of continuance, would be one of the most irksome, + as well as degrading situations to which a man could be reduced. But you + should recollect, that the generality of persons who study in this College + expect an early termination of their privations, by which hope is kept + alive; and when the cherished hope is realized, of escaping from these + walls, all recollection of the past is banished; and it is doubtful + whether the temporary absence from the possibility of indulging in folly + does not increase the possibility as well as the power, when at liberty." + </p> + <p> + "Who do you call that man with his hands in his pockets?" pointing to a + person at a short distance from them at the moment, in slovenly attire, + and with a vacant countenance. + </p> + <p> + "Hush," replied Merry well, "for we have modest men here as well as + elsewhere; men who, though they have rendered themselves famous (a more + delicate term than notorious) are not emulous of having their deeds + recorded in history, and are indeed very tenacious of satisfying + enquiries: his name is F—rr—ter, not quite so vacant as he + looks; for it is, generally speaking, not your empty-headed fellows who + can arrive at the honour of a residence here, it is rather those of + brilliant imagination, of aspiring talent, who have been determined to + have money for a time, without heeding the source from which it was + derived—who have been up to snuff, till they have reduced themselves + to the necessity of resting contented with the marrow-bone stage instead + of a phaeton or a <span class="pagenum">[60]</span> curricle, and twopenny + in lieu of claret The person you allude to, however, is brother to Cecil F—rr—ter + of Court notoriety, and has really been in possession of considerable + property. It is said that his principal failing has been too strong an + inclination to resort to the law, and that upon the law and lawyers he has + expended the bulk of his fortune." + </p> + <p> + "He cuts a curious figure now, however," said Tallyho, "and every view at + first sight would take him for a. fortunate youth." + </p> + <p> + "Do you observe that man in mustachios, now talking with P——s? + That is Captain R——n, who bears a more striking resemblance in + character to the celebrated youth you mention; he had at one time inspired + a belief among those who knew him, that he was a man of property—married + with a view to realize it; and upon comparing notes after the nuptial knot + was tied, both parties discovered they were taken in; but it is not + ascertained whether this mutual disappointment ended with smiles." + </p> + <p> + "Why, it was no laughing matter," said Tom; "the lucky hit was all a + miss." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, there was a Miss taken, and a Biter bit. Love is a lottery as well + as life, and the chances two to one against the adventurer," replied + Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "It may be so," said Merrywell; "I am not fly{1} to the subject at + present; perhaps Sparkle could by this time unravel some of its mysteries, + and give beneficial lessons to us all: however, time is flying, we will + just make one more turn, and then to dinner with what appetite we may. Do + you observe the pericranium topp'd with a Prussian cap, and the wearer + with a pipe in his mouth?" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Fit—To be up to any thing, to understand, to know, or be + awake. +</pre> + <p> + "I was on the point of enquiry," said Bob; "Pray who is he?" + </p> + <p> + "That is another Captain." + </p> + <p> + "Who! One would almost think you have the whole army of Martyrs confined + here," said Tallyho; "at all events, your ranks are not deficient of + officers." + </p> + <p> + "But then," said Dashall, "they are out of commission and out of + practice." + </p> + <p> + "For want of command," continued Merrywell; "though Capt. S——, + although never made a Commander in Chief, has been an exalted character, + having once been made <span class="pagenum">[61]</span>inspector of the + pavement,{1} or in other words knapp'd the stoop; and, if report says + true, he has also figured away in other situations equally honourable—a + flash turf man—a naval character, and a smuggler. But come, I have + given you a sort of index by which you may read, mark, and learn more, + when we are more at leisure. It is now half past three o'clock, and + punctuality is always my motto." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Inspector of the pavement, or knapp'd the stoop—Cant term + for the pillory. +</pre> + <p> + "Humph," ejaculated Tom; "Cash down, and no grumbling." + </p> + <p> + "D——n severity," was the reply; "no more of that, or we cut: + touch my honour, and you touch my life." + </p> + <p> + "Dot and go one," cried Dashall. "Come along, Bob!" and catching his + Cousin by the arm, they followed Merrywell in silence to his apartment in + the State House. + </p> + <p> + On arrival, they found the dinner on table; and Hakewell, true to his + appointment, arrived before them. The keen air of Surrey, though rather + confined, had furnished them with good appetites. Apologies were banished, + and to it they went without "let, hinderance, or molestation"—the + viands were good, the wines exquisite and plentiful. The cloth being + removed, mirth and conviviality were the order of the day. + </p> + <p> + Confusion to soft heads and hard hearts!—Parks and pleasure ground s + without priories! were drank in bumpers with enthusiastic applause. The + merriment and hilarity of Merrywell and his fellow student crowned the + afternoon with as much pleasure and delight, as Bob conceived he could + have found under unlimited circumstances. The good humour and hospitality + of the host was manifested in the perfect satisfaction of those he + entertained; and about eight o'clock, when Rakewell began to mangle his + mother tongue, our friends, after dropping their mites into the canisters + held out for their bounty, repassed the gates, well pleased and highly + diverted with the information they had obtained, and the occurrences of + the day; and not a little exhilarated by the Bacchanalian juice. + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Tallyho, "this is a scene of <i>Real Life</i>, which I should + judge could scarcely be equalled, and would almost induce one to wish for + an opportunity of a residence along with the Collegians." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[62]</span> "Provided always nevertheless with an + equal opportunity of leaving it when we please," said Dashall; "and + probably we have only seen one of the best pictures it contains, for + although we have been as jolly as Sandboys, there is a large store of + misery unseen. But let us proceed. We shall soon be free from College + Rules, and a thought strikes me, that we can make a call on our road that + will afford another view of society equally amusing and refreshing. I have + often observed to you, that in order to see Life, there is no necessity to + buz about with court flies, to waste time and money in getting introduced + to the tip tops of the West, to join what are termed the fashionable + circles, and to end a fashionable career by a whereas or a whitewashing. + The true student of Real Life should occasionally mingle with all + descriptions of persons, mark the characters and their conduct; and, + believe me, there are those in the humblest situations, who enjoy + themselves in their own way with as much of heartfelt satisfaction as + those in the highest, of which, I think, I shall be able to give you a + decided proof before we reach home." + </p> + <p> + They now pursued their way along the London Road and over Westminster + Bridge, till Tom called a halt at the door of a friend. + </p> + <p> + "Come, Bob," said he, "here we must uncase—doff the present toggery, + and turn out in new trim for the evening." + </p> + <p> + "What!" enquired Bob, "another masquerade?" + </p> + <p> + "No, no," was the reply, "a temporary suspension of the dress and + character of a gentleman, in order to avoid being tormented and suspected + by the company to which I intend to introduce you." + </p> + <p> + Finding his friend at home, they were quickly supplied with tatter'd + garments and slouch'd hats, in which they again sallied forth, and about + nine o'clock they entered a low public-house in Scotland-yard. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0003" id="link3image-0003"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page062.jpg" alt="Page62 Public House " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "Fear nothing," said Tom, as they passed the threshold; "don't be flurried + by any thing said to you, 'tis only a heavy-wet party among the + coal-heaving coves." + </p> + <p> + As Bob entered the room, his very first action betrayed him, for, being + accustomed to genteel behaviour, he took off his hat, which was in a + moment knocked out of his hand by a hard featured fellow near him, whose + face indicated the want of water, although so near the river. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[63]</span> "Order, order," was vociferated in an + instant by a jolly good-natured looking man exalted above the rest, who, + at the same moment, rapped the table with his knuckles—"This here + vay, gentlemen—Bill Muggins, mind you I arn't had your penny in the + plate for Backy." + </p> + <p> + "Vy, that's a lie!" roar'd out a Stentorian voice, "I never takes my seat + before I sees my vay clear upon the board. I put a crooked ha' penny." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, and two bad fardens vhat an't vorth nothing,'' said another. "Make + him tip" cried a third, "or else stick him in the nitch."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Stick him in the nitch—Send him to Coventry. +</pre> + <p> + Bob having regained his castor, followed his Cousin to the other end of + the room, and after each depositing a penny in the plate, they took their + seats at the table, where, being supplied with a flowing quart, they began + to look around them. + </p> + <p> + The first thing which struck Tallyho's eye, was "No trust," printed in + large letters at one end of the room; a sort of indication, that a man + without money would not be likely to meet with agreeable entertainment: + then turning his head the other way, he discovered they were in a house of + call for Coal Porters. Before the president (who, by way of distinction, + had turned the broad flap of his coal-heaving hat forward in the fashion + of a huntsman's cap) was placed a small round table, on which stood a + gallon measure of heavy wet. On his right sat a worn-out workman fast + asleep, and occasionally affording his friends around him a snoring + accompaniment to a roar of laughter. + </p> + <p> + "Silence, silence! vy don't you all be more quieter when I am going to + begin?" + </p> + <p> + "Order, order, chair, chair!" now resounded from every one. + </p> + <p> + "Vell, you know its no use at all for to make me take this here chair, + because vy—I an't got no woice." + </p> + <p> + "I knows better nor that," said Bill Muggins, "for, by ——ven + you fell overboard the other day you roared like a rum un, and ven I + pulled you out you squeaked like a pig, so that are proves vhat you have + got two woices, and that's one more than you ought to have. Lord, Lord, if + you had but seen him and I get drunk a'ter it, you would ha' laughed—Dick + bolted blue ruin till his eyes sparkled just for all the vorld like a + vooden spoon against a soot bag." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[64]</span> A general laugh succeeded this sally, + which was accompanied by the speaker with a violent blow upon the table, + which threatened confusion to the candles, glasses, and porter-pots, with + which it was loaded. + </p> + <p> + "Veil," continued the chairman, "you know its all my eye, I an't got no + sing in me, so if you're a mind to be friendly, vill you heave out." + </p> + <p> + "Vy, you know Dick, for the matter o' that are, I never refuses you + nothing; nor, vhat's more, I never vont, so here goes. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Vhat a hearty blade am I, + Care ca'nt never touch my heart, + Every trouble I defy, + Vhile I views the foaming quawt. + A very good song, and very well sung; + Jolly kimpanions, every one, + Clap your hats on, keep your heads vann, + A little more liquor will do us no harm. + Blankets and pins, blankets and pins, + When a man's married his sorrow begins." +</pre> + <p> + The six last lines were repeated as a chorus, till every one appeared to + be exhausted, and was succeeded by thunders of approbation, and reiterated + cries of "Well done, Bill—go it, Bill—Bill Muggins for ever!" + and the still unabated snoring of their companion in the corner. + </p> + <p> + "Bill Muggins a'nt nothing but a good'un, Gemmen,"said the President; + "here's his health. Landlord, bring him a bolus of blue ruin. I say, Bill, + vhat shall ve say a'ter that are good song?" + </p> + <p> + "Here's bad luck and no blue ruin to bad masters, and leg o' mutton and + turnups for trumps—that's all I got to say, so here goes." + </p> + <p> + The toast being drank, + </p> + <p> + "Who is ve to call on now, Bill?" + </p> + <p> + "Vy, Bob Martlet's the boy to come it strong." + </p> + <p> + Bob Martlet was accordingly called upon, but requested a few minutes to + prepare himself, as he was rather hoarse. + </p> + <p> + During this interregnum, Dashall slipped out of the room, and gave the + landlord an order to place two bowls of punch on the tables, cautioning + him at the same time to say nothing of the party who paid for it, but to + say that a Gentleman, passing by the door and hearing them all merry, had + given an order for it at the bar. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[65]</span> Upon re-entering the room, Bob Martlet, + with one eye bound up and his hat in his hand, was bawling with lungs of + leather, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Lovely nymph! assuage my anguish, + At thy feet a tender swain, + Prays you will not let him languish, + One kind look would ease his pain. + Did you know the lad who courts you, + He not long need sue in vain— + Prince of song and dance—you + Scarce will meet his like again! +</pre> + <p> + As this was a song to be sung in character, Bob Martlet determined to + profit by the instructions of Shakspeare, "to suit the action to the word, + and the word to the action," and consequently at the word "dance," he + introduced some steps to the great entertainment of the company; but + unfortunately jigging to another tune, in which all the broad brims + joined, he forgot the connexion of the words, and was compelled to sing it + over again, and to give his hornpipe by way of conclusion, which was + accompanied by the barking of a dog. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho laughed heartily at this; the grotesque appearance of the "tender + swain," and the dance in wooden shoes, were admirable, and highly relished + by his companions. The room resounded with applauses, and it was some + moments before silence could be obtained, when, lo and behold, the + landlord entered the room as a peace-breaker with two bowls of punch. + </p> + <p> + Consternation and surprise were visible in every countenance. The + confusion of tongues could scarcely equal the enquiries made in a moment; + but the landlord, having his cue, made no reply. But there it is, will you + drink it? It is all your own—and, to set you a good example, here + goes—Success to trade!—and took a hearty swig from the bowl he + placed before the President; then, taking the other bowl to the lower end + of the room, he evaporated, but soon returned with glasses. Where he came + from or how it was obtained, was banished from consideration, and to make + more, the remnant of a pot of heavy wet was thrown into the bowl to mellow + it, as the President observed, because vy he liked things mellow. The + punch was handed about, the song and the toast passed merrily in + succession till near twelve, when an unlucky disturber of harmony, with a + candle set fire to the whisker of Phill the flue faker so called from his + <span class="pagenum">[66]</span>having in his younger days been a + chimney-sweeper. Phill, who had slept during the noise of the evening, + was, notwithstanding his former trade, not fire-proof, awoke in a flame, + and not knowing the real depredator, upset the President, and nearly + knock'd him through a window just behind him—mill'd away in all + directions, growling with as much melody as he had before snored. During + the confusion of this affray, Tom and Bob took their departure from + Charley's Crib, which they understood was a nickname given to the place, + and, throwing themselves into a rattler, soon arrived in Piccadilly, where + we shall for the present leave them to their repose. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0005" id="link32HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Since Life's but a jest, let us follow the rule, + There's nothing so pleasant as playing the fool, + In town we may practise, as well as at school. + + The world turns about the same things o'er and o'er; + We fool it—our forefathers fool'd it before; + They did what we do, which our sons will encore. + + Life's but a half holiday, lent us to stare; + We wander and wonder in vanity's fair, + All, baby-like, bawling for each bawble there: + + We, children like, covet the glitter of gay things, + Make racket for ribbands, and such sort of play-things, + Which we cannot have tho'—without we can say things. + + We take, or are in all our turns, taken in; + The world to be sure—'tis a shame and a sin,— + Might soon be much better—but who will begin?" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[67]</span> "LONDON," said the Hon. Tom Dashall to + his Cousin, "abounds with so much of munificence, that notwithstanding all + its intricacies and inconveniences, he who travels through life without + visiting it, may justly be said to know nothing; for it is all Life, its + remotest corners are full of animation, and although it is difficult to + fancy how all live, there are few but could give some satisfactory + information if they chose, though I am willing to believe many would + rather wish to avoid interrogation. We have already explored some parts of + it, but be assured there is still much to admire, much to applaud, and + much to deprecate. Our researches, after all, have been rather confined + than extensive. It is such an ever varying and never ceasing mine of + observation, that it is almost like the wishing cap of Fortunatus, with + this exception, that although every wish may be supplied, it requires + something more than putting on the cap to obtain the object desired." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[68]</span> "From what I have already seen," replied + Tallyho, "I perfectly coincide with you in the latter part of your + observation, for I have no doubt but perseverance and integrity, with some + portion of ability, is sure to meet reward." + </p> + <p> + "You are right," continued Tom; "many instances could be pointed out in + proof of the justice of that remark: some of the greatest men of the + present day have rose from the lowest origin. Shop-boys and porters have + become tradesmen and merchants; shoe-blacks have become statesmen, and + servants councillors. But on the other hand, many who have been born, as + the old saying is, 'with a silver spoon in their mouths,' have 'fallen + from their high estates,' and lingered out the latter parts of their lives + in prisons or work-houses, laying the blame on fate, rather than + attributing failure to their own want of ability, prudence, or active + exertion. But come, I perceive the curricle is ready; let us take a spank + through the City, and look a little more minutely at the mercantile + world." + </p> + <p> + This call was instantly obeyed by Tallyho, who never doubted but his + Cousin had some object in view, though he frequently started from + Piccadilly without being previously acquainted with it. + </p> + <p> + Passing out at Hyde Park Corner, Bon remarked that he thought the City lay + the other way. + </p> + <p> + "Never mind," replied Dashall, "we shall come to the point without doubt. + Why, man, there are more ways than one, and I am not particularly partial + to being blocked up in the public streets, amidst <i>knowing jarveys and + cramp carmen</i>, sugar hogsheads, molasses, and slush carts, which is so + frequently the case, when by a slight deviation from the direct way, we + can give the tits a rattler on a good road without obstruction, and pocket + a handful of time into the bargain." + </p> + <p> + He now turned into the road which leads directly to Vauxhall Bridge; on + arriving at which, Tallyho was much delighted with an extensive view of + the Thames. + </p> + <p> + "This," said Dashall, "will bring us to a favourite place of amusement, + where you have already cut a conspicuous figure." + </p> + <p> + "What do you mean?" enquired his Cousin. + </p> + <p> + "A masquerade," replied he significantly. "Go along Bob." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[69]</span> Passing gently over the Bridge, "Do you + observe," continued he, "that extensive building? That is called the + Penitentiary. It is a building designed for the punishment, employment, + and reformation of offenders of secondary turpitude, usually punished by + transportation for a term of years. It has been conceived since the + commencement of the disputes which terminated in the separation of the + American States. The plan of it is known to be partly that of Mr. Jeremy + Bentham. The culprits are confined in circular buildings, the windows of + which are so constructed, that the overseer from his room in the centre + may be able to view every one of their rooms. The external wall encloses + no less than eighteen acres of ground, within which are six of these + circular buildings, each capable of lodging and employing from 150 to 200 + prisoners, with a chapel, infirmary, and other conveniences. Its situation + is called Millbank." + </p> + <p> + "It looks," said Bob, "like a castle, or tower, of impregnable strength." + </p> + <p> + "It is, however," continued Tom, "a useful institution, since it + supersedes that indiscriminate transportation so long practised, and + which, as applied to definite periods, was cruel and unjust, since the + wretched objects were precluded from the power of ever returning to their + native land, however short the intended period of their banishment. This + part of the world is much improved of late years. The Bridge we are now + passing, is an admirable light and elegant structure, but recently + erected, according to the plan of Mr. J. Walker, and connects, as you + perceive, by a straight line of road with Hyde Park Corner. The road + before us leads to Newington Cross, and thence by various ways to the + City. The Bridge consists of nine arches, of equal span, in squares of + cast iron, on piers of rusticated stone formed of fragments, united by + means of Parker's cement. Its width is 809 feet, the span of the arches 78 + feet, the height 29 feet, and the clear breadth of the road way is 36 + feet. It cost above 300,000L. But we shall shortly cross another bridge, + far surpassing it in point of magnificence." + </p> + <p> + "It is wonderful indeed," said Bob, "that in a country complaining of a + starving population, such serious sums of money should be expended in the + erection of splendid mansions and magnificent bridges." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[70]</span> "Not at all," was the reply, "for + perhaps it is one of the best ways of expending, as it gives employment to + thousands who would otherwise have become beggars on private charity, or + paupers on public bounty, either of which is revolting to the mind of an + Englishman: besides, if your observation applied at all, it would cut at + every improvement of the day; and you should recollect, that, whether upon + true foundations or not, every generation think the age they live in is + the most enlightened: so it may be with respect to the preceding, and + indeed, so much so, that the succeeding will rather decline than improve + upon it, but it would be difficult to convince them of the fact. It is + certain, however, that scarcely a day passes but some new invention or + improvement is offered to public notice. The perusal of the newspapers is + an evidence of my assertion; and as London is the centre of attraction, so + it is the seat of knowledge, of science and information." + </p> + <p> + "I should judge, that if a person who had lived some two hundred years + ago, even in this wild place, were to rise up amongst us, his surprise and + astonishment would be strongly excited," said Bob, endeavouring to draw + forth more of his observations as they bowled along the road. + </p> + <p> + "There can be no question on that subject," said Tom, "for how would the + high ideas he entertained of the ingenuity of the age in which he had + lived, dwindle into nothing! Nay, should he appear in the country first, + what would he think of the various implements of husbandry, for ploughing, + and preparing the land; the different machines for sowing the corn, for + threshing, grinding, and dressing it; and in numerous instances (though + perhaps not quite so much now as it has been, on account of the present + agricultural distresses) he would find something else too which he might + not consider an improvement: instead of meeting the honest homely farmer, + assisting personally in the gathering in his crops, and his daughter + following the cart with a rake, he would find the former mounted on his + Prad following the hounds, and the latter at boarding school. Instead of + the farmer's son bringing home his cows of an evening, and his sister + going out to meet him at the sound of his well known voice, with her + milk-white pail, he would find the one poring over Latin and Greek, and + the other running her fingers over the chords of a harp or piano-forte." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[71]</span> "These," said Bob, "are refinements in + manners at least." + </p> + <p> + "Then, should he take a peep at London, as we are now doing, he would be + struck dumb with admiration. But here we are on the Waterloo Road. That + building on the right is the Coburg Theatre, so named in compliment to the + Prince of Saxe Coburg, who married the unfortunate Princess Charlotte of + Wales, the much regretted daughter of our present King. Before us is + Waterloo Bridge, which leads to the Strand, and was originally denominated + the Strand Bridge; it is acknowledged to be one of the most majestic + structures of the kind, perhaps, in the known world, and was built under + the direction of the late Mr. Rennie, to whose memory it is said a + monument is intended to be erected. The Bridge consists of nine equal + arches, and like the bridges of the ancients, is perfectly flat, which you + perceive the road we are now travelling is not, for in some instances you + may look over the wall upon another world below, as we are above the tops + of the houses. Its being level is a circumstance highly favourable to the + draught of carriages across it, and without any apparent subtraction from + its beauty. We will alight here and walk leisurely across, taking time for + remark." + </p> + <p> + The servants now took charge of the curricle, with orders to wait at the + corner of the Strand, while our heroes, having each deposited his penny at + the toll-house, strolled forward. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho appeared delighted with the views around him: In the front, a fine + prospect of one of the finest cities in the world, and behind an equally + pleasing sight over the Surrey Hills. The day being fine, and the sun + darting his refulgent beams on the bosom of the Thames, contributed to + form, altogether, one of the most enraptured sights he had ever beheld. + The passing and repassing of boats and barges below; and carriages, + horsemen, and pedestrians, crossing the bridge, alternately attracted his + attention. + </p> + <p> + "Each arch of this bridge," said Dashall, "is 120 feet span; the piers 20 + feet thick, with Tuscan columns; the width between the parapets 42 feet; + these footpaths are seven feet each, and the road-way is 28 feet. The cost + has been immense, and it is not likely that the original subscribers will + ever realize the capital expended." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[72]</span> At this moment the sound of music + attracted the ears of Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "What have we here?" said he, thrusting his head through the balustrades, + by which he found himself almost suffocated with smoke, which stopped + further enquiry. + </p> + <p> + "Behold," said Tom, "another improvement of the age; that is the Richmond + Steam Boat, proceeding with a cargo of live stock to that celebrated place + of public resort, and, in spite of wind and weather, will return in the + evening. They always have a band of music on board, for the amusement of + their passengers." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," said Bob, "they ought to have a smoke-consumer." + </p> + <p> + "They had one just now," replied Tom; "for I apprehend you assisted them + in some degree, though not voluntarily." + </p> + <p> + "You are smoking me," said Bob. + </p> + <p> + "Never mind, you have only been puffing a cloud." + </p> + <p> + "However, as the mist is dispelled," said Tallyho, "and we have, a clear + sky before us again, let us make use of our senses." + </p> + <p> + "To the right you perceive Blackfriars' Bridge, and beyond that the + Southwark Bridge. By the way, we were speaking of the alterations to be + witnessed in a country life. We will now pursue the subject, and suppose + for a moment our two-thousand-years-ago friend, after his visit among the + Swains, inclined to transfer his observations to the Great Town. The first + question would be, How shall I get there? Oh, there are plenty of night + coaches, and day coaches too, Sir. Well, then "fancy him seated in a night + coach, and having supped on the road, on resuming his corner of the + vehicle, he falls into a sound sleep. Guess what must be his surprise on + waking in the morning, to find himself in the bustle and apparent + confusion of the streets of the Metropolis. But how altered! Wide streets + and upright houses, instead of narrow lanes with houses meeting each other + at the tops. Then what elegant shops!—He would exclaim, rubbing his + eyes, 'Why, this is all a dream + </p> + <p> + "Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain!" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[73]</span> 'It cannot be reality!'—However, + he swallows a hasty breakfast, and sallies out again to look about him. + From London Bridge he espies the one I have just mentioned, the Southwark + Bridge.—'What have we here?'—'Oh, Sir, that is the cast-iron + bridge, with three arches, over the Thames.' He hastens to it, and when + upon it, what must be his astonishment, at the power of the human mind to + form, and of the human body to bring together, such immense pieces of + iron? To connect Queen Street, Cheapside, with the Kent and Surrey Roads + by three arches, the centre of which is 240 feet span, and the side ones + 210 feet each, the arches all composed of cast iron, the piers and + abutments of stone. 'Zounds,' he would exclaim, 'if the race of man + dwindle in stature, they grow daily more stupendous in intellect! 'But we + will suppose, like you, with an anxiety to see all that can be seen, he + perceives a machine sailing down the river with astonishing velocity; + 'Why, formerly,' said he, 'wind and tide against a vessel were + insurmountable obstacles in its passage, but now they seem to add to its + swiftness; how is this to be accounted for? '—'Easily enough,' + replies a bye-stander; 'Lord bless you, it's all done by steam. Hot water + and smoke do every thing now-a-days! Why there are a great number of + machines, which formerly required from two to forty or more horses each to + put and keep in motion, entirely worked by the steam arising from boiling + water.'—' Prodigious! Steam do all that! Astonishing!'" + </p> + <p> + "And truly," replied Bob, "notwithstanding I have witnessed many + improvements, I confess I am astonished at the various uses to which this + discovery has already been devoted, and the extraordinary powers it + possesses. + </p> + <p> + "Well, we will pursue the train of thought a little further: Suppose, + perambulating the streets till he is quite tired, and seeing alterations + and changes out of number, he enters a Coffee House, eats a hearty meal, + and taking a glass or two of wine, he falls into a musing train of ideas + of the wonders he has been witnessing, from which he is not disturbed, + till the hoarse voice of a Charley sounds in his ear, 'Past ten o'clock, + and a cloudy night,' at which he hastily starts up, discharges his bill, + and prepares, by buttoning up close and securing his trusty stick, for (as + he would naturally expect) a dull dreary walk. He sallies out thus + equipped, and, to his utter astonishment, finds the streets as busy as in + the middle of the day, and almost as light. He steps up to one of the + lights to <span class="pagenum">[74]</span> examine it—'What can + this be? It is not oil, there is no vessel to contain it; surely this + can't be steam also! But what can it be?'—'Gas, Sir,' says a + passenger, who overhears the question, 'Gas; it is produced from coals set + on fire and confined in a furnace, the subtle vapour from which is + conveyed by means of pipes, and, light applied to it, immediately bursts + into a flame.' His astonishment would now be complete, and if he did sleep + after, it would be difficult to persuade him it was not all a dream." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Our wise forefathers knew the worth of land, + And bank'd the Thames out with laborious hand; + From fresh encroachments bound it's restless tide + Within a spacious channel deep and wide. + With equal pains, revers'd, their grandsons make + On the same spot a little inland lake; + Where browsing sheep or grazing cattle fed, + The wondrous waters new dominion spread; + Where rows of houses stood through many a street + Now rows of ships present a little fleet. + Nay, we had made, had Nature not refus'd, + Had Father Thames not begg'd to be excus'd, + A pretty tunnel underneath his bed, + And left him running, grumbling, over head; + Had scratch'd a track out, like a grubbing mole, + Through a long, dark, and damp and dirty hole— + Like rats in sewers, had flounder'd through the mud, + Instead of sailing, duck-like, o'er the flood; + But bubbling springs chok'd up the project deep, + And trickling waters on our folly weep." +</pre> + <p> + By this time they had crossed the Bridge, and having regained the + curricle, the Hon. Tom Dashall tickled the <i>tits</i> in prime style + along the Strand, in the road to the City. Soon after passing Temple Bar, + they were attracted by a vast concourse of persons surrounding the shop of + Mr. Carlile,{1} from whence upon enquiry they learnt the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Perhaps some of the most remarkable occurrences in the + City of London have taken place at the house of Carlile. The + whole family have been tried and convicted of selling + treasonable or seditious works, and are now suffering the + sentence of the law. But, notwithstanding the combined + efforts of a powerful body, the shop is kept open, and it is + more than likely that a greater business is carried on now + than ever. In a recent Number of the Re-publican, published + by him, he makes the following observations:— + + "Since my last went to press, we have thought it prudent to + resort to stratagem to defeat the schemes of the Gang, in + taking out every new hand from the shop by a warrant. We + now sell all publications, to suspicious and unsuspicious + customers, through a hole in a part of the shop, where it is + impossible for the purchaser to identify the seller, as + there are always two or three serving in the back ground, + none of whom can be seen or heard, to be identified + individually. These persons are frequently changed, so that + even if the enemy resorted to burglary and house-breaking, + upon the strength of any warrant, the seller of any pamphlet + or pamphlets could not be identified. Where the statue of + Paine stood, we are about to caricature the defeat of Murray + and Sharpe, and make them watch the hole through which the + money and pamphlets pass, without being able to prevent it. + There are fifty stratagems by which I could give full effect + to the sale of my publications, as well as if they were + sold openly, and which would defy prosecution, as the vender + could not be identified. I dislike this mode of doing + business; I like open, fair play; and I now make a + proposition to Stoddart, Clarke, Murray, and Sharp, that I + will do every thing openly, and give them the name of every + individual in my employ from time to time, if they will + confine themselves to the professions they have made through + "Cato," their scribe, and not arrest until a Grand Jury have + pronounced a true Bill against the individual. If they will + not accept this proposition, they shall arrest no more, and + my business shall go on just the same. I tell them, for + their comfort, that the pamphlets sold daily through the + hole, have doubled the number of those sold openly + heretofore. Public curiosity they have excited, and am + reaping the benefit. They cannot put-me down. I will put + them down. Let the result bear witness. My friend in the + enemy's camp and councils, has my thanks for his valuable + information. He will perceive that all his information and + instructions have been acted upon." + + The previous observations of Mr. Carlile are admirably + elucidated by the following Police Report of one of the + Newspapers: + + The Bridge-street Association.—After a cessation of + hostilities for two or three days, Mr. Secretary Murray, and + the forces of the Bridge Street Association under his + command, re-assembled at this Justice-room [Guildhall] on + Saturday. + + Mr. Honorary Secretary Sharp was also in attendance, and + remained in the public room with the Yeomen, while the Co- + Secretary was indulged with a private interview with the + Magistrate, Mr. Alderman Birch, in the parlour. Mr. Newman, + the City Solicitor, was also called into council, and + remained iu consultation with Secretary Murray some time; + there was much marching and countermarching in and out of + the office on the part of the Secretary and the Yeomen, but + no public application on the part of the Association was + made to the Alderman, and it was understood that there was + much difficulty in determining the manner of renewing, with + any prospect of success, the attacks upon the inmates of + "The Temple of Reason." + + The difficulty, it seems, arose from the new mode of defence + adopted by the besieged. The little parlour which + adjoins the shop has been converted into a citadel, the + glass partition which separates them is closely blinded, and + the operations carried on in ambush behind it; two of the + squares of glass have been taken out, and in the place of + one of them is erected a box with an aperture for the + receipt of money, over which is an inscription, "Put your + money in here;" and in the other, a contrivance by which the + pamphlet wanted is slid down to the purchaser from the + inside of the citadel. This machinery, however, is used only + for the sale of such works as have already been made the + object of prosecution. The seller is invisible, and the + identification of his person rendered impracticable, unless + the citadel be taken by storm. Little Waddington, heretofore + the Radical standard-bearer, whose own experience has + procured for him an extensive acquaintance with the persons + of officers and informers, has assumed the command, and + conducts the operations in the front shop, where the sale of + such of Carlile's publications as have not as yet come under + the censure of the law, is carried on as usual. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[76]</span> officers of the Police had just taken + one of the shopmen in custody, for vending an alleged seditious or + treasonable publication, upon the information of a Yeoman in the pay of + the Bridge Street Gang. The crowd of persons induced our friends to make a + little further enquiry into the cause, who were soon informed, that in + consequence of the repeated attempts to stop the issue of books and + pamphlets sold, at what is denominated the Temple of Reason, a part of the + shop had been boarded off, so as completely to screen the venders of any + publication from the eye of the purchaser, and by this means to render + abortive all future attempts to identify any supposed offender. + </p> + <p> + "Why," said Dashall, "it is an old saying, and I believe a very true one, + If you tread upon a worm it will turn. Such appears to be exemplified in + the case of this man. You have also heard me remark, that in London it + signifies little by what means a man obtains popularity, and here is a + case exactly in point. An extensive body of rich men have combined their + efforts to crush an individual of little importance in the world, and who + perhaps would before this have been forgotten, but for their indiscreet + interference with his pursuits. They are now not only foiled in their + endeavours to obtain fresh exercise for their Yeomen, and more work for + their Lawyers, but, in consequence of their determined opposition, the + world is likely to be deluged with every obnoxious publication, without + any chance of detecting the sellers." + </p> + <p> + "It is a curious manouvre," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, and it appears to have the desired effect with the Carliles and + their adherents. They carry on the war in ambuscade, and are selling, + without fear, books and <span class="pagenum">[77]</span> pamphlets, of + which but for the <i>Constitutional Committee</i>, as they call + themselves, perhaps half the world would have known nothing. Such, + however, is frequently the effect of intemperate zeal, and these Gentlemen + have blown into notoriety that which they intended to suppress, whether + upon the substantial grounds of reason or propriety, I leave others to + decide." + </p> + <p> + Becoming now entangled in a double row of carriages, with little prospect + of making further progress for some time, our friends resigned the + curricle to the care of the servant, and proceeded on foot to the City + Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, for refreshment.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 When the City Coffee House was first opened, Dr. Johnson + frequently called there, and one morning observing a large + book upon the table, took it up, and after inspecting the + outside with great attention, he found it to be Minshew's + Dictionary of Twelve Languages; upon which he turned round + to the master of the house and asked him, "What use he could + have for such a book?" "To amuse literary Gentlemen," was + the reply. "Do you under-stand any of these languages?" "I + find it a very difficult task, Sir, to understand my own, + and I am not possessed of the erudition of a Johnson." The + Doctor looked at him stedfastly and replied, "Sir, you are a + very impudent fellow." "Sir, I am sorry you think so," + replied the proprietor, "and I hope we shall both of us mend + our manners." On this the Doctor drank his chocolate, and + marched out of the house. +</pre> + <p> + This Coffee House is much resorted to, and, in point of comfortable + accommodation, is perhaps not surpassed by any in London. + </p> + <p> + Having regaled themselves, and looked over the leading papers of the day, + they proceeded to inspect the interior of that noble edifice, the pride of + the British empire, St. Paul's Cathedral. + </p> + <p> + "According to vulgar tradition," said Dashall, "this church occupies the + site of a Roman temple, which was consecrated to Diana; but the son of Sir + Christopher Wren, in his Parentalia, controverts this opinion, and + contends, that the first cathedral of the Episcopal see of London was + built in the area, the seat of the Roman Prætorian camp, the precise spot + on which the present church stands. It is supposed to have been destroyed + in the general persecution under the emperor Dioclesian, to have been + re-edified under Constantine, to have been demolished by the Pagan Saxons, + and to have been restored in the seventh century, when the Saxons embraced + <span class="pagenum">[78]</span> Christianity. From this period it has + been four times rebuilt, and at the great fire of London was totally + destroyed." + </p> + <p> + These remarks premised by Dashall for the information of his friend, they + proceeded to view the several statues and funeral monuments, displayed + with uniformity and executed with considerable taste, by which the + interior of the church has been much improved in appearance.{1} + </p> + <p> + After having examined these stately and expressive mementos of mortality, + the two visitors were asked by their attendant, whether they would pass to + the stone and iron galleries outside of the church; but this, having so + lately enjoyed the extensive prospect from the Monument, they declined, + and proceeded at once to the Library, the first object to be seen in the + ascent. + </p> + <p> + Our two visitors were very much pleased with this handsome room, which in + its dimensions is about fifty feet by forty, having shelves of books to + the top, with a gallery + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The statues of Dr. Johnson, and Howard the philanthropist, + both executed by the late Mr. Bacon, were opened for public + inspection in 1796. That of Dr. Johnson represents a moral + philosopher, with the attitude and expression of intense + thought, leaning against a column, indicative of the + firmness of mind and stability of principles of the man whom + it is intended to commemorate. + + The statue of Howard, in which the character of active + benevolence is well expressed, stands upon a pedestal of + white marble, on which is a group of bas-relief, + representing a scene in a prison, where the philanthropist, + having broken the chains of the prisoners, is bringing + provision and clothing for their relief. + + The statue of Sir William Jones, a man well known for his + extensive and multifarious erudition, whose study it was to + make the British name honoured and revered amongst the + nations of the East, is also the work of Bacon, and was + erected by the East India Company. + + Amongst the monuments lately raised in commemoration of de- + parted worth, is that of Nelson, and in design and execution + it is not exceeded by any in the Cathedral. + + In the open part of the Cathedral, the stranger will be + struck with the appearance of numerous tattered flags, the + trophies of British valour. Those over the aisle leading + from the western door, were taken in part during the + American War, and the rest by the Duke of York at + Valenciennes. Those on both sides near the north door, were + reprisals made from the French by Lord Howe, on the 1st of + June, 1794; opposite to which, on the right hand, are the + flags taken from the Spaniards by Lord Nelson, in 1797; and + on the left are those taken from the Dutch by Lord Duncan, + at Camperdown, and by Lord Keith at the Cape of Good Hope. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[79]</span>running along the sides. The floor is of + oak, consisting of 2376 small square pieces, and is not only curious for + its being inlaid, without a nail or a peg to fasten the parts, but is very + neat in the workmanship, and beautiful in its appearance. The principal + things pointed out to a stranger, are several carved stone pillars, some + Latin manuscripts, written by Monks 800 years ago, and an English + manuscript illuminated, containing rules for the government of a convent, + written in old English, about 500 years since, all in fine preservation. + </p> + <p> + The clock-work and the great bell were the next curiosities that attracted + the attention of our visitants. On the latter, weighing 11,470lbs. the + hammer of the clock strikes the hours. It was now noon, and the ponderous + hammer put itself into motion, and slowly, yet with astounding impetus, + struck the bell, and the reverberation tingled on the auricular organs of + the two strangers with painful and stunning effect throughout the long + protracted intimation of the hour; nor was it until a considerable time + had elapsed, that their hearing recovered from the clanging agitation.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This bell is never tolled but upon the death of some of + the Royal Family, of the Bishop of London, or of the Dean of + St. Paul's, and then the clapper is moved and not the bell. + In the stillness of night, the indication of the hour by the + deeply sonorous tone of this bell may be heard, not merely + over the immense Metropolis, but in distant parts of the + country. The fact is well known of the sentry at Windsor, + who, when accused of having been asleep one night on his + post, denied the charge, saying, "That he had been listening + to St. Paul's in London, which had just struck thirteen!" + And this assertion was, upon enquiry, satisfactorily + corroborated. +</pre> + <p> + They were now ushered into the <i>Whispering Gallery</i>, which is + constructed on the very simple principle of an unbroken communication. It + is 140 yards in circumference, and a stone seat runs round the gallery + along the foot of the wall. On the side directly opposite to the entrance + door, Dashall and his friend seated themselves, when the person who shewed + the gallery whispered close to the door, at the distance of 140 feet, and + yet they heard his voice seemingly at their ear. The shutting of the door + resembled a clap of thunder. From this gallery, round the inner circle of + which is an iron balustrade, the marble pavement of the church exhibits a + beautiful appearance, and the paintings of the dome, which have <span + class="pagenum">[80]</span> greatly suffered by time, are thence seen to + the greatest advantage. + </p> + <p> + The ascent to the ball is attended by some difficulty, and is not + encountered by many. Our two visitants therefore declined its inspection. + The interior diameter of the ball is six feet two inches, and will contain + twelve persons.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A new ball and cross have lately replaced the former, of + similar dimensions. The erection of the scaffolding, and + subsequent proceedings of the workmen, at so fearful a + height from the "haunts of men," excited a very general + interest, more particularly so on the recent happy + accomplishment of the undertaking, when the in-trepid + aeronauts cheered the admiring multitude far beneath, and, + seated in the clouds like the deities of Mount Olympus, + drank to the prosperity of their friends in the nether + regions. +</pre> + <p> + The best view of the metropolis is obtained, in a clear day, from the + gallery at the foot of the lantern. The diminutive appearance of the + passengers and other objects beneath is extremely amusing, and resembles + the Elfin Panorama of the capital of Lilliput. + </p> + <p> + The calm serenity of the interior, the awful grandeur of the structure + itself, and the reflections arising from the contemplation of monuments + erected to the memory of departed worth, with the splendid achievements of + heroic minds, formed a strange contrast to the scene which presented + itself to their view on leaving this magnificent pile. The hurry, bustle, + and confusion of the street, the noisy vociferations of coachmen, carmen, + &c. burst upon their senses at a moment when the mind had been soothed + by reflection, and the eye gratified with a sight which led imagination + into futurity, before which the past and the present had appeared to + evaporate. The Hon. Tom Dashall, however, was quickly recalled by + observing his curricle so completely hemmed in between contending parties + to obtain liberation at the corner of Paul's chain, as to afford but + little chance of escape from its intricate situation for some time. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," said Tom, "we had better return and take a seat among the + worthies within, for I have no idea of mounting the curricle, to sit and + be quizzed." + </p> + <p> + "Any chance," said Bob, "is better than that; but at all events your man + is able to take care of the carriage and cattle, and we are competent to + the care of ourselves." + </p> + <p> + "Well hinted," replied Tom, "and it shall be acted upon." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[81]</span> Thus saying, he made his way through the + throng, and gave orders for the curricle to proceed home as soon as it + could be extricated from its present confinement. Then returning to his + Cousin, + </p> + <p> + "It is not the first time I have been disappointed; I had made up my mind + to proceed much farther; but the very scenes we have been inspecting are + proofs of the inability of man to perform all his wishes, although + equally' a proof of the splendid talents and determined valour of our + renowned and deservedly remembered countrymen, and are well calculated to + inspire us with patience, fortitude, and forbearance. At the other door we + can escape from the bustle of this side; and perhaps the best thing we can + do under existing circumstances, will be to speed homewards, and after + dinner relax a little from our toils, in order to recruit for further + activity." + </p> + <p> + "Have with you," said Bob; "we have enjoyed the first part of the day on a + variety of interesting subjects, and after a cheerful and refreshing ride, + have at last arrived at the threshold of eternity. We may as well escape + for this time if we can, and cheat the grim tyrant of mankind. Although + our ride has been a long one, our walk back is but short, so let us lose + no time." + </p> + <p> + In accordance with this recommendation, he caught hold of Dashall's arm, + proceeded through the Cathedral, and arrived at Piccadilly without any + thing remarkable or particular to record, where we shall for the present + leave them to their enjoyments among the able writers with which Tom's + bookcase was well stored. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0006" id="link32HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hail! venerable pile! with awe I tread + The sacred mansion of th' illustrious dead! + Where rise, o'er forms now mould'ring into dust, + The "storied urn" and "animated West."— + Beneath the fretted dome, aspiring high, + Here monarchs, heroes, poets, sages, lie! + "Deaf the prais'd ear, and mute the tuneful tongue," + Here sleeps the bard with those whom erst he sung; + And all consigned to one impartial doom, + Lo! kings and subjects levelled in the tomb! +</pre> + <p> + IN a perambulation westward, our friends shortly reached the precinct of + Westminster Abbey, or the collegiate Church of Saint Peter; the most + ancient religious structure in the metropolis. + </p> + <p> + Divested of fabulous narration, its history is briefly as follows. Its + name is obviously derived from its situation, in the west, and from its + original destination as the church of a monastery. It was founded by + Sebert, king of the East Saxons; was destroyed afterwards by the Danes; + was subsequently re-built by king Edgar in 958; the church was again + re-built by Edward the Confessor in 1065; and by Pope Nicholas II. it was + constituted a place of inauguration of the English Monarchs. Henry III. + re-built it from the ground, and Henry VII. added a magnificent chapel at + the east end of it. The monastery was surrendered by the abbot and monks + to Henry VIII. who first converted it into a college of secular canons, + and afterwards into a cathedral, of which the county of Middlesex was the + see. His successor, Edward VI. dissolved the see, and restored the + college, which was again converted by Mary into an abbey. That institution + was dissolved by Elizabeth in 1560; she founded the present establishment, + which is a college consisting of a dean, 12 secular canons, and 30 petty + canons; to which is attached a school of 40 boys, denominated the Queen's + or King's scholars, with a master and usher; and also twelve alms-men, an + organist, and choristers. + </p> + <p> + Its greatest length is 489 feet; the breadth of the west front 66 feet; + the length of the cross aisle 189 feet; and the height of the roof 92 + feet; the west end is adorned with two towers, which were built by Sir + Christopher Wren. The nave and cross aisles are supported by two rows of + arches, of Sussex marble, one above the other, each of the pillars of + which is a union of one massy round pillar, and tour others of a similar + form, but slender. These aisles are lofty, and each of the small pillars + being extended from the base to the roof, they produce an idea at once + sublime and awful. Besides the cross aisle there are two side aisles, + which are lower than the nave; and, being in a just proportion, they unite + with the other parts of the edifice to produce a harmonious effect. The + choir, from which there is an ascent by several steps to a magnificent + altar-piece of white marble, is divided from the western part of the great + aisle by two iron gates, and is perhaps the most beautiful choir in + Europe: its roof was materially injured by fire, occasioned by the + carelessness of the plumbers who were repairing it in 1803, but it has + since been completely restored, at an expence of upwards of £4000. In this + choir is performed the coronation of the Kings and Queens of England. + </p> + <p> + This succinct account will not prove unacceptable, we hope, to our + readers. + </p> + <p> + The attractive spot at the southern extremity of the cross aisle was now + entered by the two friends. "This," said Dashall, "is called Poet's + Corner, and never could a place be named with more propriety." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho cast an eye of intense observation on these sacred records of + departed excellence. Here he found the names of Chaucer, Spenser, + Shakespeare, Johnson, Milton, Dryden, Butler, Thomson, Gay, Goldsmith, + &c. There also, as though the spot were dedicated to genius of the + highest rank, are the tombs of Handel and Garrick. The Squire in his + admiration of the British Poets, now gave full scope to the ardency of his + feelings, and surrounded by the sculptured images of the bards of former + days, he seemed as if environed by a re-animated constellation of genius, + and wrapt in the delirium of its inspiritive influence. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[84]</span> Westminster Abbey contains a great + number of monuments of kings, statesmen, heroes, poets, and persons + distinguished by genius, learning, and science; but many of these + monuments can be regarded as little better than so many disfigurements of + the buildings. Some however are to be spoken of with praise, and the best + are the productions of Reubilliac and Bacon. + </p> + <p> + The curiosities of Westminster Abbey consist chiefly of twelve chapels, + the principal of which were visited by Dashall and his cousin; but to the + chapel of Henry VII. their chief attention was directed. This chapel is + contiguous to the eastern extremity of the church, and opens into it: it + is dedicated to the Virgin Mary, and is one of the finest specimens of + Gothic antiquity in the world. On its site formerly stood a chapel + dedicated to the Virgin Mary, and also a tavern, distinguished by the sign + of the White Rose: Henry resolving to erect a superb mausoleum for himself + and his family, pulled down the old chapel and tavern, and on the 11th of + February in the year 1503, the first stone of the new structure was laid + by Abbot Islip, at the King's command. It cost £14,000, an immense sum for + that period, particularly considering the rapacious temper of the king. + The exterior of the chapel is distinguished by the richness and variety of + its form, occasioned chiefly by 14 towers, elegantly proportioned to the + body of the edifice, and projecting in different angles from the + outer-most wall: the inside is approached by the area at the back of the + chapels of Edward the Confessor and Henry v. The floor of this chapel is + elevated above that of the area, and the ascent is by a flight of marble + steps: the entrance is ornamented with a handsome gothic portico of stone, + within which are three large gates of gilt brass, of curious open + workmanship, every pannel being enriched with a rose and a portcullis + alternately. The chapel consists of the nave and two small aisles: the + centre is 99 feet in length, 66 in breadth, and 54 in height, terminating + at the east in a curve, and having five deep recesses of a similar form: + the entrance to these recesses is by open arches, and they add greatly to + the relief and beauty of the building: it is not improbable that they were + originally so many smaller chapels, destined to various uses. The side + aisles are in a just proportion to the centre, with which they communicate + by four arches, turned on gothic pillars; each of them is relieved by four + recesses, a window, with minute and curious <span class="pagenum">[85]</span>divisions, + running the whole height of each recess. The upper part of the nave has + four windows on each side, and ten in the eastern extremity, five above + and five below. The whole of the roof of the chapel, including the side + aisles and the curve at the end, is of wrought stone, in the gothic style, + and of exquisite beauty. An altar-tomb erected by Henry, at the cost of + £1000, to receive his last remains, stands in the centre of the chapel. It + is of basaltic stone, ornamented and surrounded with a magnificent railing + of gilt brass. This monument was constructed by Peter Torregiano, a + Florentine artist, and possesses extraordinary merit. Six devices in + bas-relief, and four statues, all of gilt brass, adorn the tomb. + </p> + <p> + In addition to these venerable antiquities, which all deserve to be seen, + a variety of figures in wax, and in cases with glazed doors, are shewn as + curiosities to the stranger; but they ought to be removed, as disgraceful + to the grandeur and solemnity of the other parts of the scene, and as a + satire on the national taste, which can scarcely be excused, when such + things are exhibited in a room for children's amusement. + </p> + <p> + Every lover of the arts must lament that this beautiful relic of gothic + taste is falling rapidly to decay; notwithstanding, within the last + twenty-four years, the Dean and Chapter of Westminster have expended the + sum of £28,749 in general repairs of the abbey. Parliament, however, has + at last granted the requisite aid, and the sum of £20,000 has been voted + to commence the repairs, which are now going on. It has been estimated + that the necessary repairs of Henry the VIIth's chapel will cost about + £14,800 and the ornamental repairs about £10,400. + </p> + <p> + The prospect from the western tower of the abbey is more beautiful and + picturesque, though less extensive, than that from St. Paul's. The west + end of the town and its environs, the Banquetting-house at Whitehall, St. + James's park, the gardens of the Queen's palace, the extremity of + Piccadilly and Hyde-park, with the Serpentine River, and the distant + groves of Kensington Gardens, present a varied and magnificent view + towards the west. On the other hand, the bridges of Westminster, Waterloo, + and Blackfriars, with the broad expanse of the Thames, and Somerset-house + on its banks, and St. Paul's towering pile, together with the light Gothic + steeple of St. Dunstan's in the East, present a most noble and <span + class="pagenum">[86]</span> interesting prospect. From this tower the + exterior form of St. Paul's, when the sun falls upon it, is distinctly + seen, and here its exquisite beauty will be more fully comprehended than + in any part of the city, for a sufficient area to take in the entire + outline is not to be found there. + </p> + <p> + This prolixity of description will not, we presume, be considered by our + readers, as a tedious digression from the main subject.—<i>Real Life + in London</i> cannot be better elucidated, than by uniting incident with + appropriate anecdote, and amidst the perambulations of our respectable + associates, which led them to the ancient and interesting edifice of + Westminster Abbey, it necessarily followed that we should illustrate the + subject, by a brief, yet accurate and interesting account of the + antiquity, et cetera, of the object under consideration. + </p> + <p> + Having gratified their wishes by a cursory inspection of what their guides + were pleased to denominate "Curiosities," our two heroes were on the eve + of departure from the Abbey, when Bob begged that the guide would repeat + the terms of admission to view these repositories of mortality. + </p> + <p> + "The tombs," said the conductor, "at the east end of the church, with the + chapel of Henry VIIth, the price of admission to view these, sir, is + six-pence; the models three-pence; the tombs at the northern part of the + cross aisle three-pence; and the west end and tower of the abbey + six-pence." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho expressed his surprise that the house of God and the depository of + the dead, should be so shamefully assigned over to the influence of + Mammon, and a price of admission as into a place of public amusement, + exacted by those to whose mercenary government the ancient structure of + Westminster Abbey had devolved. "Was it thus, always," asked he, "from the + time of Henry IIId?" To this enquiry, the guide replied merely by a shrug + of his shoulders, rather indicative of contempt than otherways, and to a + further question of "Who is the receiver general of these exactions, and + to what purpose are they applied?" he preserved a sullen taciturnity. + </p> + <p> + From the south aisle of the abbey there are two entrances into the + cloisters, which are entire, and consist of four arched walks on the sides + of an open quadrangle. There are many monuments in these walks, but four + of them, beneath which are the remains of four of the abbots <span + class="pagenum">[87]</span>of Westminster, at the east end of the south + walk, are all which merit particular attention.— + </p> + <p> + Amongst the ancient records deposited here, the two friends were gratified + with a sight of those of the Court of Star-chamber, and of the original + Domesday-book, which is still as legible as the first hour it was written. + </p> + <p> + Against the south-west part of the west front of the abbey, is the north + front of the Jerusalem chamber, remarkable for being the place where king + Henry IV. breathed his last.{1} + </p> + <p> + North from the abbey stood the Sanctuary, the place of refuge allowed in + old times, to criminals of a certain description; and, on the south side, + was the eleemosynary or almonry, where the alms of the abbot were + distributed.—This place is remarkable for being the spot in which + the first printing-press ever used in England was set up; and here, in + 1474, Caxton printed the Game and Play of Chesse, the first book ever + printed in England.—A new Court House is now built on the site of + the sanctuary. + </p> + <p> + Having seen in the Abbey every curiosity of note, its two visitants + directed their course into Westminster Hall, the great national seat of + justice.—This together with the House of Lords, and the House of + Commons, are the remains of the palace of Westminster, built by Edward the + Confessor, the situation of which was close to the river Thames, and the + stairs leading from it still retain the name of palace stairs. The hall + itself is the largest room in Europe, except the theatre at Oxford, + unsupported by columns. It is 275 feet in length, 74 in breadth, and 90 in + height, the roof being of oak, of curious gothic architecture. It was + originally used as a place of festivity, and Richard IId entertained + 10,000 guests within its walls. In this hall Charles I.. was tried and + condemned; and at present it is occasionally fitted up for the trial of + peers or of any person impeached by the Commons. + </p> + <p> + Our heroes now relinquishing the contemplation of the olden times for the + enjoyment of the passing scenes of the modern, turned their steps in the + direction of Whitehall; passing through which, and facing the + Banquetting-House,{2} their observation was attracted to a gentleman on + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 See Shakespeare's Play of Henry IV. Part II. + + 2 In front of the Banquetting House, on a scaffold, Charles + I. was beheaded on the 30th of January, 1648;—His Majesty + passed from the Banquetting House to the scaffold through + one of the windows. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[88]</span>horseback, followed by a number of + people, by whom he was frequently and warmly cheered; and <i>en passant</i> + was recognized with other popular feeling of regard and respect. Dashall + stept forward to reconnoitre, and ascertained that the favourite was no + other than the worthy representative of the borough of Southwark, Sir + Robert Wilson, Knt. lately deprived of his rank as a General, "for," + continued Dashall, "nobody knows what, unless the enormous crime of paying + his last tribute of respect to the memory of an "injured Queen;" and + endeavouring, in the temperate language of remonstrance, to prevent the + effusion of human blood! His character however, is too firmly rooted to + sustain injury from the breath of slander; and the malignity of his + enemies has recoiled on themselves: thanks to a brave, just, and generous + people, who are ever prone to save whom persecution aims to destroy." + </p> + <p> + Dashall seemed warm in defending the cause of this gallant officer, and + the Squire listened with correspondent satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + "The allied Sovereigns," observed Dashall, "in General Sir Robert Wilson, + found all the essential requisites of a good soldier: of skill to plan, + and of valour to execute. They were chiefly indebted to his judgment and + intrepidity for the victory of Leipsic; to which ample testimony was given + by the Emperors of Russia and Austria; the latter of whom, during the + intensity and perils of the engagement, he extricated from the imminent + hazard of captivity. His services have not been of less importance in the + armies of his own country, as acknowledged by the Commander in Chief, who + has now rewarded him by recommending his dismissal, at the instance, no + doubt, of Ministers; anxious by this procedure to annihilate his + independent feelings, and render them more subservient to the doctrine of + non-resistance and of passive obedience to the existing authorities!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This object is already defeated.—Amongst all classes Sir + Robert Wilson's dismissal has excited strong feelings of + reprobation. Certainly, whatsoever other name may be given + to the act, it cannot be called a just one, to degrade an + honourable man from his rank, and deprive him of the half + pay (which in a great measure accrued to him from purchase,) + without accusation, arbitrarily, and on secret and suborned + information of having; merited the inflicted contumely. But + futile has been the effort of malevolence; Sir Robert + Wilson's half pay was £460 per annum, and the subscriptions + in indemnification of his loss already exceed £10,000. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[89]</span>Pursuing their course along the Strand, + and ruminating on the alarming increase of juvenile depravity, Tallyho + could not avoid remarking on the numerous temptations held out to the + vicious and necessitous in this wide-spreading and wealthy metropolis—"For + instance," making a full halt, with his friend, against the spacious and + unlatticed window of a jeweller's shop, Dashall admitted the truth of his + companion's observation. Here on promiscuous display were seen most + valuable articles of jewelry, stretching multitudinously from one + extremity to the other of the window, consisting of gold and silver + watches, elegant and richly wrought seals, musical snuff-boxes, diamond + rings, diamond pins, &c. embracing, in vast variety, a property of + immense value, divided from the street by "thin and undefended squares of + glass only; and that the lure might prove still more attractive, each + article marked at its price, some 25, some 50, 75, 100, and 200 guineas + each! A dash and a grab might secure to the depredator possession of + wealth; and while such temptations are held out, the surprise is, not that + so many street robberies are, but that a great many more are not + committed. The many thousands in London out of employment, and of these + perhaps the greatest number unhoused and famishing, would it be much to be + wondered at if some of these sons of misery, goaded onwards to crime by + the extremity of human suffering, were to attempt the possession of spoil, + so carelessly exposed, and apparently so easily obtainable?{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Lord Mansfield once presided as Judge, when an unfortunate + man was tried for stealing an article of jewellery from a + shop-window, exposed by its unguarded state to depredation, + and more encouraging than otherwise, the hope of success.— + It proved differently, and the prosecutor seeming determined + to proceed against the wretched man, even to capital + punishment, Lord Mansfield, indignant at the severity of the + owner of the trinket, and compassionating the state of + misery and destitution, under the influence of which the + poor prisoner at the bar, stimulated too by its careless + exposure, had committed the felony, desired the Jury to + value the trinket in question at ten pence.—The prosecutor + started up in surprise, and exclaimed, "Tenpence, my Lord! + why the very fashion of it cost me ten times the sum!" "That + may be," returned his Lordship, "but we must not hang a man + for fashion's sake!" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[90]</span>"Here conies silly Tom and staggering + Bob," exclaimed a fellow, as he approached towards our pedestrians. + Tallyho had grasped more firmly his oaken sprig, with the intention of + trying the crankness of the observer's pericranium, when Dashall perceived + that the obnoxious remark was directed to a simple looking old man, + dejectedly leading a horse "done up," and apparently destined for the + slaughter-house. + </p> + <p> + "Where now, Tommy," continued the querist, "with thy decayed bit of + blood?" + </p> + <p> + "Aye, aye," answered Tommy, despondingly, "even to the naggers,{1}—'tis + what we must all come to." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A Naggerman is a wholesale horse-butcher! his business is + frequently so extensive as to enable him to employ a vast + many hands, and so lucrative as to ensure him a fortune in a + very few years; the carcases are sold to the dealers by whom + they are cut up, and sold in quarters to the retailers, and + purchased by the street venders; these latter form one of + the prominent itinerant avocations, and supply with food all + the dogs and cats of the metropolis! +</pre> + <p> + "And so thy master has passed the doom of death against his old servant + Bob, on whose back he has been safely borne, in the chase, "many a time + and oft," as the song says, "o'er hedges, gaps, ditches and gates; and + fleet of foot as thou wert," patting the animal with feelings of + commiseration," and often as thou hast replenished thy master's purse, + thou art now going to the slaughter-house!" + </p> + <p> + "Even so—the faithful servant, now no longer useful, is discarded." + </p> + <p> + "And put to death!—Why man, thy master is a d——d + unfeeling, ungrateful scoundrel, else he would have turned this poor nag + at large on the green sward, to roam as he list in summer, with a warm + stable in winter, and have left him to die the death of nature." + </p> + <p> + An assemblage of passengers had now collected round the doom'd horse and + his sympathizing friend, whose vehemence of expression had attracted much + attention. The feelings of his auditory were in full unison with his own, + and as the throng increased, with inquisitive curiosity, the advocate in + the cause of humanity repeated the following lines: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "And hast thou doom'd my death, sweet master, say, + And wilt thou kill thy servant, old and poor? + A little longer let me live, I pray; + A little longer hobble round thy door!" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[91]</span>The spectators were evidently affected. + He next sung the stanza of an old song, extemporaneously produced (with + the exception of the first two lines) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + At last having labored, drudg'd early and late, + Bow'd down by degrees he draws on to his fate: + His blood must the Naggerman's sluicing knife spill; + His carcase the Naggerman's slaughter-house fill! + Now led to his doom, while with pity we view + Poor Bob, may mishap still his master pursue; + Who callously spurning humanity's bounds, + Now sells his old servant as food for the hounds. +</pre> + <p> + The Squire having occasion to call at a banker's in Fleet Street, the two + friends entered at the moment when a countryman with a most rueful + expression of countenance, stood transfixed to the floor, like the statue + of Despair, incapable either of speech or motion. After an absorption of + mental faculty of several minutes duration, he burst out into the + incoherent exclamations of + </p> + <p> + "Murrian take un, zay I!—Icod, I'ze in a voine pickle! I ha brought + my pigs to market wi a vengeance! O luord! O luord! whoa would ha thought + en't?" + </p> + <p> + He then began exercising his feet by stamping each alternately on the + floor, with a violence that shook the room to its foundation; and this + vehement thunder he accompanied by correspondent energy of gesticulation; + distorting his visage, and casting about his arms with the action of an + infuriated maniac. The place was thrown into alarm, and business was + suspended. Dashall now addressing himself to the presumed lunatic, begged + him to compose himself, and endeavour briefly to state what had happened, + that if he had sustained an injury, redress might be obtained. + </p> + <p> + After several fruitless attempts at narration, he at length told his + story; and that it may lose nothing of its originality, we shall give it + in the first person. + </p> + <p> + "I'ze cuom zur, frae Zumersetzshire to Lunnon, first time o' my loife, by + coach, where it putt en at a pleace called the two Gooses necks, and zo + having a cheque on this house for Fifty Pounds, and not knowing the way, I + axed a vera civil gentleman whom I met wi' hovering about Inn-yard; and + telling him my business, Pze go with you, zaid he, vera kindly, and help + thee to take care o! thy money, vor there be a desperate set o' sharp + fellows in Lunnon ready to take every advantage of a stranger; <span + class="pagenum">[92]</span> and zoa we came along, and just avore we + gotten into house here, he said to I, zays he, I'ze take thy money and zee + that all's right, vor there be a vast many bad sovereigns about.—Well, + zur, zoa he did; and just as I wur looking about, it seems he had taen + himself off wi'the money, vor when I looked round he wur no where to be + zeen; and zoa zur, I have lost Fifty good Pounds to my sorrow. Who would + ha thought it!—I wish the murrian had ha hold on me avore I had come + to this wicked world o' Lunnon!" + </p> + <p> + Here the countryman concluded his narrative, exciting the amusement of + some and the sympathy of others of his auditory.—The banker + dispatched one of his clerks with the unlucky wight to one of the Public + Offices, for the purpose of describing the depredator, altho' with very + small chance of recovering the property.{1} + </p> + <p> + Eliminating on the folly of this credulous countryman, our perambulators + now proceeded down Fleet Street, where casting a look into Bolt Court—"Here," + said Dashall, "lived and died the colossus of English literature, Doctor + Samuel Johnson,{2} a man whose like the world may + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 In all the Coach and Waggon yards in London there are + fellows loitering about with the view of plunder; they + frequently are taken by the unwary countryman, for domestics + of the Inn, and as such are entrusted with property with + which they immediately decamp, and by many other artful + manouvres secure their spoil. + + 2 The most trivial circumstance in the life of a great man, + carries with it a certain somewhat of importance, infinitely + more agreeable to the generality of readers than the long + details which history usually presents. Amongst the numerous + anecdotes of Doctor Johnson, perhaps the following is not + the least amusing.—When the Doctor first became acquainted + with David Mallet, they once went, with some other + gentlemen, to laugh away an hour at South-wark-fair. At one + of the booths where wild beasts were exhibited to the + wondering crowd, was a very large bear, which the showman + assured them was "cotched" in the undiscovered deserts of + the remotest Russia. The bear was muzzled, and might + therefore be approached with safety; but to all the company, + except Johnson, was very surly and ill tempered. Of the + philosopher he appeared extremely fond, rubbed against him, + and displayed every mark of awkward partiality, and ursine + kindness. "How is it, (said one of the company,) that; this + savage animal is so attached to Mr. Johnson?" From a very + natural cause, replied Mallet: "the bear is a Russian + philosopher, and he knows that Linnæus would have placed him + in the same class with the English moralist. They are two + barbarous animals of one species."—Johnson disliked Mallet + for his tendency to infidelity, and this sarcasm turned his + dislike into downright hatred. He never spoke to him + afterwards, but has gibbeted him in his octavo dictionary, + under the article "Alias." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[93]</span>perhaps never see again; yet with all his + vast erudition he had his prejudices and superstitions; he believed in + apparitions, and he despised all countries save his own.—The Scotch + and Irish he affected particularly to dislike.—In his poem of + "London," in imitation of Juvenal, he says,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + For who unbrib'd would leave Hibernia's land, + Or change the rocks of Scotland for the Strand?— + There none are swept by sudden death away, + But all whom Hunger spares, with age decay! +</pre> + <p> + But, with all his foibles, (and who is there without human infirmity?) + Doctor Samuel Johnson was the most highly talented writer of any age or + nation." + </p> + <p> + Facing the Obelisk, "let us stroll down the market," said Dashall, + "considered the cheapest in London.—Flesh, fish and fowl, fruits, + roots and vegetables, are here abundantly attainable, and at moderate + prices." + </p> + <p> + Amongst the various venders, our two observers passed on, unmolestedly, + excepting the annoyance and importunity of "What d'ye buy? what d'ye buy, + buy, buy?" from" barking butchers, who instinctively reiterated the phrase + as the casual passenger approached, like so many parrots, unconscious of + its import being unproductive in effect; for who would be induced to + purchase by the clamorous invitation universally in use by these + vociferous butchers of the metropolis?—"My fine fellow," observed + Tallyho to one who annoyed him, "good wine, they say, needs no bush, + neither does good meat require a barker." + </p> + <p> + "Bad luck to my mother's own daughter, and that is myself, sure," + exclaimed a retail venderess of vegetables, to her opponent in trade, "if + I wouldn't for the value of a tester, or for the value of nothing at all + at all, give you freely just what you ask for my jewel.—Arrah now, + is it law that you want of me! Faith and troth then you shall have it, <i>club-law</i>, + when and where you plase, my darling!" + </p> + <p> + "Dirty end," rejoined the other lady, "to the girl who fear* you!—Here + am I, Kate, of the Maclusky's of Ballymena, in the county of Antrim, long + life to it! and it would be a hard case, and a shameful one to boot, if a + well educated northern lass should suffer her own self to be disgraced by + a Munster-woman." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[94]</span> "The devil fly away with Ballymena, and + the Macluskys along with it!" retorted the other; "and is it Munster and + heddication that you are bothering about? Whillaloe graraachree! my sweet + one! and did you begin your larning in Ballymena, and come to finish it in + Fleet-market? By my conscience, Kate Maclusky, if you are not very much + belied, you know more than you ought to do." + </p> + <p> + "And what would you 'sinuate by that?" demanded Kate;—"What do you + 'sinuate by that, Ma'am?—I acknowledge that I'm both a whore and a + thief—what then? Bating that I defy you to say, black is the white + of my eye!" + </p> + <p> + Here Mrs. Maclusky with arms a-kimbo, and a visage strongly expressing + exasperation and defiance, advanced towards the Munster-woman. + </p> + <p> + "Let us step aside," said Dashall, "hostilities are about to commence." + </p> + <p> + He was right; a few more irritable preliminaries, and the heroines came in + contact, in due order of battle. + </p> + <p> + "Two to one on the Munster-woman." "Done! Ulster for ever! go it Kate!—handle + your dawdles, my girl;—shiver her ivory;—darken her skylights;—flatten + her sneizer;—foul, foul,—ah you Munster b——ch!" + </p> + <p> + "Fair, fair;—arrah, now for the honor of Munster;—dig away;—mind + your hits;—rattle her bread basket;—set her claret-spout + a-going;—stand firm on your pegs;—what, down!" + </p> + <p> + Thus ended round the first; the amazons had, in the fray, reduced each + other from the waist upwards to nearly a state of nudity. On either side + the partisans were numerous, the combatants eager to renew the fight, and + the spectators, the majority of whom were of Irish distraction, anxious + for the result, when the officious interposition of official authority, + terminated the "tug of war," and the honor of the two provinces remained + undecided.— + </p> + <p> + "Success to the land that gave Patrick his birth." Tranquillity thus + restored, a new scene in the drama of Fleet-market attracted the attention + of the two visitants. + </p> + <p> + A rabbit pole-woman passing through the market, was accosted by a lady, + who enquiring the price of the Rabbits, purchased a couple, in front of + the shop of a similar exhibitant.—This was considered by the + rabbit-dealers of the market, a gross breach of privilege, more + particularly as the obnoxious female had presumed to undersell them, even + with a superior article. Not willing, however, from <span class="pagenum">[95]</span>prudential + reasons, to appear in avowed personal hostility against the object of + their vengeance, and that, too, a woman, who had inadvertently incurred + the displeasure of their high mightinesses, the subordinate agency of boys + was deputed for the purpose of wrecking summary retribution; and the + juvenile deputation quickly overthrew in the apparent wantonness of + mischief, the whole of the poor girl's day-property, and scrambling for + the spoil, disseminated themselves in different directions, leaving not + the vestige of a rabbit behind! + </p> + <p> + A torrent of tears, feelingly shewed the anguish of her mind. She was + ruined beyond hope of redemption; the rabbits she had every morning on + credit, she plied the streets in selling them, through many a wearisome + hour in the day, happy if next morning, having realized a very moderate + profit by her laborious vocation, she could settle accounts with the + wholesale dealer, and take a fresh cargo with which to commence another + day's adventure.—But now, wringing her hands in an agony of grief, + "It is all over with me!" she exclaimed,—" my means of subsistence + is gone,—my credit is lost,—and God's will be done,—I + must go home and starve!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It is scarcely credible that one salesman in Leadenhall + market, at the present time, sells on an average 14,000 + rabbits weekly. He contracts with the coach masters for the + carriage, and pays them eleven pounds per thousand, + amounting, weekly, to £154. The way he disposes of them, is + by employing 150 travelling pole-men and women; in the + morning they are started upon credit, and the next day they + return, bringing back the skins, settle the accounts, and + then take a fresh cargo. +</pre> + <p> + Ever prone to relieve distress, Dashall and Tallyho sympathized most + sincerely with this unfortunate girl; there was an indescribable something + of extreme interest about her, which was well calculated to excite a + feeling of generous commiseration. + </p> + <p> + Shall we now say the two philanthropists? for such they proved themselves. + Each then, in the same moment, expanded his purse, and together more than + compensated the delighted and astonished girl for her loss, who, blessing + her benefactors, went home rejoicing. + </p> + <p> + Gaining the extremity of the market, at the bottom of Skinner-street, the + two friends rounded the corner, and verged towards Ludgate-hill by the + Fleet Prison. Here a fresh claim, though of lesser magnitude, obtruded + itself on their benevolence. "Pity the poor debtors, having no <span + class="pagenum">[96]</span> allowance!" exclaimed an emaciated being, + gazing with an eye of wistful expectancy, through the thrice-grated window + of a small apartment on a level nearly with the street; "Pity the poor + debtors;" The supplicating tone of deep distress in which these words were + uttered spoke irresistibly to the heart, and the blessing of Heaven was + once more invoked on the donors. + </p> + <p> + "And this is the prison," observed the Squire, "where a presumed scion of + the Royal branch, a few days ago surrendered to her bail, as a prisoner + for debt."—"The same," rejoined his Cousin, "and the Princess is now + most unroyally domiciled at a private-house within the rules of the Fleet, + on Ludgate-hill.—<i>Sic transit gloria mundi!</i>" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly," said the Squire, "this London produces extraordinary sights, + and not less extraordinary occurrences;—but of all the scenes of + Real Life which has hitherto come within the scope of our observation, the + most singular is that of the presumed legitimate cousin of the King of + England, recently in a Spunging-house, and now confined for a debt of a + few hundred pounds to the rules of the Fleet."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Ci-divant Princess of Cumberland + + To the Right Hon. Lord Sidmouth. + + My Lord,'—When I reflect on the injuries I have received by + the refusal of your Lordship to forward my claims in a + proper way to his Majesty, I consider it as a duty that I + owe to my high descent, to enquire of your Lordship, why I + have been suffered to remain so long neglected and deprived + of the rights, which in common with other younger branches + of the Royal Family, I am entitled to? As soon as the demise + of my late Royal Uncle, his late Majesty, occurred, I + addressed your Lordship, for his present Majesty's gracious + knowledge. In my letters, repeatedly sent to your Lord-ship, + I assured you for the King's knowledge, that I had but one + anxious desire, which was to act in conformity to his + Majesty's Royal will and pleasure, after an audience had + been allowed to shew my papers. If, my Lord, I had been an + impostor, it was the duty of Ministers to have enquired into + my claims, and to have exposed them if unjust or illegal. + But, no! my Lord; every application was treated with cold + and apathetic contempt; and although all the writings of my + parent's marriage and my birth have been verified according + to law, at Judge Abbott's chambers, Sergeants' Inn,—at + Master Simeon's Office, Court of Chancery,—before Sir + Robert Baker and Barber Beaumont Esq.—and twelve affidavits + sworn and sent in to your Lordship, yet at this late moment + I find myself neglected and oppressed, and without one + guinea of support from the Government or Royal Family! My + dear late cousin, Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, supported and + protected me several years before his lamented death. His + Royal Highness saw the papers delivered to me by the Earl of + Warwick of my legitimacy, and there are at least a hundred + papers connected with my parent's affairs and my own; and + General Wetherall, Comptroller to his late Royal Highness, + looked over many such papers, at my residence in his Royal + Master's life-time. The excellent heart of the late Duke of + Kent was of a nature to decide, in all events of life + meeting his eye, with religion and moral justice. Thus has + he loved and cherished me, his cousin, and solemnly bound + himself to see me righted the moment that the death of his + late Majesty authorised my papers meeting the eye of the + nation. + + My Lord,—You well know why my claims are neglected—a + mighty cause exists! But it is a duty that I owe to myself + and the English nation to give a narrative of facts as they + are, unless immediate justice is done me. I am Olive, the + only child of the late Duke of Cumberland, by Olivia, his + virtuous, injured wife; and very shortly the public shall + know the great and forbearing conduct of Dr. Wilmot. To him + at one period, the English were indebted for tranquillity; + it can be proved, my Lord. And although my health is similar + to the late injured Queen's (my first cousin,) from having + experienced every deprivation and persecution from + interested enemies, yet I religiously trust the time is not + remote, when truth will triumph over calumny and + oppression.—I have the honor to be, my Lord, + + Your obedient servant, + + Olive. + + Ludgate-hill, Nov. 6th. 1821. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[97]</span>"Some Kings are not partial to female + cousins; and the legitimacy (said Dashall,) of this pretended Princess of + Cumberland does not appear sufficiently tangible to admit of recognition, + otherwise, without doubt, she would have been provided for!" + </p> + <p> + "Her case, however, wears not much the semblance of imposition," said the + Squire. "The circumstances which she so minutely states, with reference to + living characters, strongly imply that her pretensions are not + ill-founded." + </p> + <p> + They had now reached Ludgate-hill; a crowd was collected opposite the + residence of the Princess of Cumberland, when the captive heroine + condescended to shew herself at the window.—She is of matronly + appearance, and was well dressed.—The mobility received her with due + respect; the lady made her obeisance, and the assemblage retired, on terms + apparently of reciprocal satisfaction.— + </p> + <p> + Strolling onwards until they gained the centre of Blackfriars Bridge, the + two friends paused in admiration of the interesting scene before them. + </p> + <p> + Amidst the spires and turrets of the metropolis, Saint Paul's, close at + hand, rose in the proud pre-eminence of stupendous grandeur, like a mighty + monarch surrounded <span class="pagenum">[98]</span> by tributary kings, + rendering him the homage of vassalage. + </p> + <p> + —Emerging from the dense mass of buildings on the line from the + Tower to Westminster Abbey, appeared a continued succession of prominent + public edifices; on the river Thames the scene was diversified by numerous + wherries, gliding pleasurably on the rippling wave; some shooting under + the arches of the elegant Waterloo, and others under the spacious span of + the lofty iron bridge of Southwark,—while on either side the river, + Labour was on the alert, and the busy and ceaseless hum of Industry + resounded far and near. + </p> + <p> + 'Twas low water, and the <i>mud-larks</i> now intent on their several + vocations, engaged the eye of the Squire.—"What are those people + about?" he asked, "What are they in search of?" + </p> + <p> + "These are <i>mud-larks</i>," answered his friend, "in search of what + chance may throw in their way; all's fish that comes to net! You have much + to learn yet of Real Life in London, and must prolong your stay + accordingly.—Willing to eat the bread of honesty, these poor people + are in the daily practice of frequenting the shores of the Thames, to + literally pick up a living. Nothing comes amiss; all that is portable, + however insignificant in value, goes into the general repository. The + mud-lark returns home, when his labours are ended, sorts the + indiscriminate heterogeneous "mass of matter," and disposes of it as well + as he can."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 How many hundreds and thousands, in a metropolis like that + of the British empire, obtain a subsistence, in a way of + which those of its inhabitants who are not compelled to such + an exercise of their ingenuity can have no idea! In the + midst of a crowded city, man is much more closely cut off + from all assistance on the part of his fellows, and is + obliged to trust entirely for the support of life to the + individual exertions of his strength, his talents, or his + ingenuity. Various and singular are the expedients practised + by numbers in the British capital. Among these the class of + Mud-larks is not the least extraordinary, that is people, + who, on the ebb of the tide re-pair to the river-side, in + quest of any article that the water may have left behind in + the mud. To this description of people belonged Peggy Jones, + the well known Mud-lark at Black Friars. She was a woman, + apparently about forty years of age, with red hair; the + particular object of whose researches was the coals which + accidentally fell from the sides of the lighters. Her + constant resort was the neighbourhood of Blackfriars, where + she was always to be seen, even before the tide was down, + wading into the water, nearly up to the middle, and scraping + together from the bottom, the coals which she felt with her + feet. Numbers of passengers who have passed by that quarter, + particularly over Blackfriars Bridge, have often stopped to + contemplate with astonishment, a female engaged in an + occupation apparently so painful and disagreeable. She + appeared dressed in very short ragged petticoats, without + shoes or stockings, and with a kind of apron made of some + strong substance, that folded like a bag all round her, in + which she collected whatever she was so fortunate as to + find. In these strange habiliments, and her legs encrusted + with mud, she traversed the streets of this metropolis. + Sometimes she was industrious enough to pick up three, and + at others even four loads a day; and as they consisted + entirely of what are termed round coals, she was never at a + loss for customers, whom she charged at the rate of eight- + pence a load. In the collection of her sable treasure, she + was frequently assisted by the coal-heavers, who, when she + happened to approach the lighters, would, as if + undesignedly, kick overboard a large coal, at the same time + bidding her, with apparent surliness, go about her business. + Peggy Jones was not exempt from a failing to which most + individuals of the lower orders are subject, namely, + inebriety. Her propensity to liquor was sometimes indulged + to such a degree, that she would tumble about the streets + with her load, to the no small amusement of mischievous + boys, and others, who, on such occasions, never failed to + collect around her. After concluding the labors of the day, + she retired to a wretched lodging in Chick Lane. This woman + carried on her extraordinary calling for many years, but + about the month of February, 1805, she suddenly disappeared + from her usual places of resort, and nobody can tell what is + become of her. A man who has the appearance of a coal- + heaver, has since stepped into her place, and adopted the + profession which she so long followed. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[99]</span> "Thus it is that the Mud-lark earns a + precarious and scanty subsistence, and in many other instances in this + metropolis, Ingenuity and Perseverance overcome difficulties that in the + country would prove insurmountable." + </p> + <p> + Retracing their steps to Ludgate-hill, the associates passed into the Old + Bailey, where the Squire seemed struck with surprise at the simple bill of + fare of an eating-house, not inscribed on paper and exhibited against the + window, but deeply engraven on brass, and conspicuously fixed by the side + of the door, expressed in four syllables only, "The boil'd-beef house."—"Compendious + enough," exclaimed his Cousin. "Multum in parvo," rejoined the Squire; and + immediately walking in, they were ushered into a snug room partly occupied + by guests of apparent respectability, each actively employed in the + demolition of buttock or flank with great seeming satisfaction. The two + strangers intimating a desire to follow so laudable an example, the waiter + submissively put the question, "Which would you please to have, gentlemen, + buttock or flank, or a plate of both?" That the quality of each might be + ascertained, plates of both were ordered, and presently brought in, piping + hot, and in the first style of culinary perfection.{1} + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[100]</span> It was amusing to observe the + characteristic features of the different guests. + </p> + <p> + The young man hurrying over his meal, and frequently casting a look on the + dial, indicated a tradesman's book-keeper, desirous of enjoying his pipe + and pint ere the allotted dinner hour expired, when he must return to his + desk. + </p> + <p> + Another, of meagre and cadaverous appearance, had his plate replenished, + thrice repeated, and each time dispatched the contents with astonishing + celerity. This man without doubt, was either a poet or a bookseller's + hack, who, probably had not for sometime enjoyed the novelty of a dinner, + and was thus making atonement to appetite accordingly. + </p> + <p> + One gentleman fashionably attired kept mincing his meat, and at long + intervals supplying masticates that seemed not at all alert in the + performance of their office.—His attention was given rather to the + company than to his plate, and was particularly directed to Dashall and + Tallyho, on whom it alternately settled with fixed and favourite regard.—This + very polite personage was assiduously eager by every possible courtesy to + ingratiate himself into the notice of our two friends; but Dashall was a + knowing fish, so the bait wouldn't take; and the Squire happening to + ejaculate the word Spunger, the stranger prudently took the hint, and + withdrew.{2} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Thirty years ago this house was noted for the excellent + quality of its boiled beef;—no other meat is ever drest + here,—Hobson's choice, or none! During that period it has + had several occupants, and each has retired with a very + considerable fortune. In the decided superiority of its + buttock and flank, the house still sustains its pristine + reputation. + + 2 These gentry are hardly to be distinguished from the + Hanger-on, except by being, if possible, more impudent; they + frequent all places of public resort, in order to pick up a + dinner or a bottle, and otherwise prey upon the credulity of + the unwary. Whenever they meet with a countryman, they + salute him with enquiring the time of day, or describing the + weather, and entertaining him with a story of little + consequence, till they have artfully wheedled you into an + invitation to dine or sup with you. They can tell you where + the best entertainment is to be met with; which is the best + comedian; can get you introduced to see such an actress; to + hear this sing or that spout; will provide you with the best + seat at the play-house, or keep a place for you in the front + row of the first gallery, should you prefer it to the pit; + can procure a ticket for the exhibition rooms for half + price, and explain every thing in the museum as well as the + librarians themselves.—If your inclination is for mischief, + he is the only man in the world to assist you; would you + break the lamps, or Mill the Charleys, he will stand by and + cry Bravo! till you are carried to the Watch-house, but will + not engage in the quarrel himself, acting only as a <i>corps + de reserve</i>. When you are taken, he will negotiate with the + constable of the night about your ransom, for which you must + pay smartly, other-wise be detained till Justice opens her + doors to descry and punish your enormities, according to the + nature of the crime committed; upon which the Spunger says, + that he foresaw and told you the consequences that would + happen if you persevered, but that you would not listen to + his advice. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[101]</span> Having done satisfactory justice to the + buttock and flank, and further refreshed themselves with a draught of + Whitbread's Entire; our pedestrians, leaving the "Boil'd Beef House," + recommenced their excursion by proceeding up the Old Bailey, when Dashall + remarking on the number of Eating Houses with which that street abounds, + observed, that it seemed a favorite seat of consolidation for the + professors of the culinary art, like Cloth-fair for Woollen-drapers, + Paternoster-Row for Booksellers, and Clerkenwell for Watch-makers, &c. + "This," said Dashall, "is His Majesty's Gaol of Newgate, and from this + door ascend the numerous victims to the fatal scaffold, in immolation to + the offended laws of their country. Let us enter this temporary abode of + crime and wretchedness. It has been much meliorated by the humane and + indefatigable attentions of an excellent lady, Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, and I + am desirous of seeing the result of her philanthropic exertions." The + gentlemanly appearance and demeanour of the two strangers facilitated + their admission, and they entered the prison preceded by one of the + turnkeys, who courteously had proffered his services in shewing the place, + and giving every required information. + </p> + <p> + Newgate, on the eastern side of the Old Bailey, has been rebuilt, its + walls or shell excepted, since it was destroyed by the rioters, in the + year 1780. A broad yard divides Newgate from the Sessions House, a very + handsome stone and brick building. Another edifice, where that lately + stood, commonly called Surgeon's Hall, has been erected; it is arched + underneath, and supported upon pillars, and is used as a place of + accommodation for witnesses and other persons, while waiting for the + trials during session time. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[102]</span> This prison, until within these few + years back, was a place of confinement as well for debtors as felons, but + by late arrangements, and the erection of the new gaol in + Whitecross-street, Newgate has now become the receptacle of felons + only.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Newgate has been the scene of two remarkable events, which + frequently serve as eras of reckoning to some of the + inhabitants of Loudon; the first is, that of the memorable + riots in 1780, when this imposing edifice was attacked by a + furious mob in the evening of Monday the 5th of June, who by + breaking the windows, batter-ing the entrances of the cells + with sledge hammers and pickaxes, and climbing the walls + with ladders, found means to enter Mr. Akerman's house, + communicating with the prison, and eventually liberated + three hundred prisoners. The next of these events oc-curred + on the 23rd of February, 1807. This was when Haggarty and + Holloway were to suffer for the murder of Mr. Steele on + Houns-low Heath. The populace began to assemble so early as + five o'clock, and to accumulate until eight. (It is supposed + that the concourse of people was greater than at the + execution of Governor Wall.) At eight o'clock the prisoners + ascended the scaffold. Im-mediately after they were launched + off, a most dreadful scene took place. The approaches to the + place were completely blocked up with carts, filled with + spectators, and when some of the crowd began to move away, + the pressure became dreadful. Some fell, and others falling + over them they were trampled to death. Terror took + possession of the crowd, they became desperate, and their + efforts only contributed to increase their danger. As soon + as this frightful confusion ceased, forty-two sufferers in + the scene were carried to St. Bartholomew's Hospital. Of + these, twenty-seven were dead; and though every effort was + made for their resuscitation, in not one instance was it + crowned with success. Of forty-two, the whole number, five + were women, and three of them were among the dead. Of the + remaining twenty-four bodies, five were men, and the rest + lads, from twelve to seventeen years of age. Among the dead + men was a pye-man, who was said to have fallen first, and + caused the dreadful catastrophe. A great number of the + pupils in attendance happened to be collected in St. + Bartholomew's Hospital at the time, and afforded prompt + assistance; and Dr. Powell, and a Surgeon, who were both + upon the spot, directed their humane exertions. +</pre> + <p> + In the Old Bailey stood Sydney-house, known by the white front, and the + recess in which it is concealed; and here Jonathan Wild is said to have + lived the greatest part of his time. The north side of Newgate consists of + two court-yards, which are far too circumscribed for the numerous + inhabitants, this prison always exhibiting a multitudinous calendar of + human depravity. The men's court is only 49 feet 6 inches, by 31 feet 6, + and the women's of the same length, and about half the width. The whole + square is entirely surrounded by the wards, <span class="pagenum">[103]</span> + which rise three stories above the pavement. The women's yard is separated + from the men's by a wall. In the south and south-east yards, felons for + trial are confined, and four other yards are similarly occupied. The yard + assigned to female felons is a wretched place, containing three wards, in + which are sometimes kept upwards of one hundred women. In the north-east + corner, next Newgate-street, is the condemned yard, in which are kept + persons under sentence of death. The yards and all the wards are + repeatedly lime-washed, and by these and other excellent regulations of + the Sheriffs of London, Newgate is changed from a loathsome prison, + dangerous to the health of the metropolis, to a state which may be quoted + as a model for all similar places. Water is plentiful, ventilators are + introduced into every window, and a general system of cleanliness prevails + throughout the whole prison. The morals of its inmates have been improved, + and their condition greatly meliorated by Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, who like her + predecessor in the exercise of philanthropy, the celebrated Howard, + delights in reducing the sum of human misery. The feelings of the two + visitors having been amply gratified by demonstration of the happy result, + from superior management, accruing to the prisoners, they departed, not + forgetting the poor box, put up for general benefit, inviting the + contributions of charitable strangers. + </p> + <p> + Continuing their route, our perambulators proceeded down Skinner street + into Holborn, and traversed its extended line without any remarkable + occurrence, until they reached Broad Street, St. Giles's. "We are now," + said Dashall, "in the Holy Land." + </p> + <p> + "Long life to your honors," exclaimed a ragged professor of mendicity: + "give a poor fellow the price of a <i>shake down</i>, and may you never be + without the comforts of an <i>upright</i>!" + </p> + <p> + "What mean you," asked the Squire, "by a shake down and an upright?" + </p> + <p> + "Not the worse luck that you don't know that self same thing now; but sure + enough a shake-down is a two-penny layer of straw, and saving the tatters + on my back, not a covering at all at all; may the son of my father never + have a worse birth any how." + </p> + <p> + "And an upright?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[104]</span> "Is it an upright your honor's spaking + about?—fait and troth, as to that same, may the devil fly away with + Thady O'Flannagan, and that is myself sure, if he knows much about it at + all at all, seeing as how he has not rested his old bones on such a thing, + arrah, these many long years; but sure enough it is four stumps, with + boards across, a good flock-bed, a blanket below and a sheet above, with a + decent coverlet pieced and patched in a hundred places to boot;—may + you never want the like of it, any how!" + </p> + <p> + "Thanks for your good wishes, my friend," said Dashall; "and this for the + information which you have given us." + </p> + <p> + "By the powers of good luck!" exclaimed the itinerant philosopher, "a + tirteener!—Now an Irishman's blessing upon you for two good-hearted + gentlemen; may you live all the days of your lives in peace and prosperity + both here and hereafter!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The many impoverished and deserted beings who daily wander + the streets, trusting for the vegetative existence of the + moment to eleemosynary occurrences, are incalculable. + Amongst these sons and daughters of misery, happy is the one + who, after partially satisfying the cravings of hunger, + possesses two-pence, the price of a shake down for the + night, in Rainbridge or Buckeridge-street, St. Giles's!—The + upright is a wretched semblance of a bed, at the rate of + three-pence or four-pence; but the lofty aspirant to genteel + accommodation, must put down a tester. In this way there are + frequently beds to the number of seventy in one house, made + up for nocturnal visitants! +</pre> + <p> + Palestine in London, or the Holy Land, includes that portion of the parish + of St. Giles, Bloomsbury, inhabited by the lower Irish, with whom it seems + a favorite place of residence. The Squire having expressed to his friend a + desire of perambulating these boundaries, they proceeded, by the way of + George street, to explore the sanctified labyrinths, the scenes of diurnal + clamour, and hebdomadary conflict. + </p> + <p> + "Arrah now," exclaimed a voice of maternity, in the person of a legitimate + daughter of Erin,—"Arrah now, you brat of the devil's own begetting, + be after bowling along to your fader: bad luck to him, and be sure that + you bring him home wid you, by the token that the murphies are cracking, + the salt-herrings scalding, and the apple-dumplings tumbling about the + pot,—d'ye mind me, you tief of the world, tell him that his dinner + waits upon him."—"I'll be after doing that same, moder;" and forth + from the ground floor of a mean looking house in Buckeridge-street, sprang + an urchin without hat, shoe or stocking, and the scanty tattered + habiliment he wore, fluttering in <span class="pagenum">[105]</span>various + hues, like pennants in the wind, with such heedless velocity, urged no + doubt by the anticipated delicacies of the dinner-pot, that he came in + furious, unexpected, and irresistible contact with Squire Tallyho, who + borne forward by the shock, was precipitated into a stagnant collection of + mud and water, to the total disfigurement of his Boots, which had that + morning received the "matchlessly brilliant polish of Warren's inestimable + Jet blacking." Not like many others in London, who will run you down and + leave you to your fate, the heir of his fader's whimsicalities stopped + short in the inauspicious set-out of his rapid career; and "dirty end," he + exclaimed, "to the scavenger that didn't think of the gentleman's boots!" + And at the same time the mother of this hopeful representative of the Mac + Dermott family, made her appearance with the genuine warmth of Irish + hospitality; and inviting the two strangers to walk in, consoled the + bespattered Squire with the prospect of speedy and effectual reparation, + for "fait and troth, (said she) his dinner is all of a heap in the pot + there, praaties, salt-herrings, and apple-dumplings,{1} and that is my + husband Thady Mac Dermott, who is neither more nor less than a + bricklayer's laborer, is after amusing himself and obliging his + neighbours, at a small outlay, of a Sunday morning, by claning their boots + and shoes; so it is an ill wind that blows nobody good, they say." The + accommodating hostess then producing a bottle of blacking, with the + requisite brushing implements, applied herself assiduously to the + operation of claning the Squire's boots, and restored them, in a few + minutes, to the splendour of their pristine brilliancy. + </p> + <p> + Scarcely had this important operation been performed, when entered Thady + Mac Dermott and his son, the origin of the accident. "The devil burn your + trampers, you imp of the Mac Dermotts," cried the father: "couldn't you + run against the gentleman without dirtying his boots? Never mind it at all + at all; I'll be after giving you a walloping for it, any how." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The fastidious delicacy of English cookery, when + contrasted with that of Irish culinary preparation in the + Holy-land, is surprising. The wife of an Irish laborer who + is desirous of giving her husband a delectable meal, and of + various description, bodders not her brain with a diversity + of utensils; but from the same pot or pan will produce, as + if by enchantment, potatoes, (without which an Irishman + cannot possibly make a dinner,) salt-herrings, and apple- + dumplings; nor, does this extraordinary union of opposites + affect the appetite of those partaking the oglio. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[106]</span> The first instrument of attack that + comes to hand is an Irishman's weapon.—Thady brandished in <i>terrorem</i> + a red hot poker, and his son with the agility of a cat took sanctuary + under the bed, but at the intercession of the Squire was allowed to emerge + with impunity, and admitted to a participation of the salt-herrings and + apple-dumplings. The two friends declining an invitation to taste of these + dainties, now departed, Tallyho not forgetting the "outlay, and the + ill-wind that blows nobody good." + </p> + <p> + Winding the mazes of the holy land, which may not unaptly be considered a + colony of Irish emigrants, our perambulators without further occurrence + worthy of notice, threaded their way through streets, lanes, and alleys, + until they emerged at the bottom of Tottenham-court Road, close by the + extensive brewery of Read and Co. Entering the premises, they were + gratified with a view of every thing interesting in the establishment; and + the Squire, to whom the spectacle was entirely new, stood wrapt in wonder + at the vast magnitude of its immense vats and boilers, containing, as he + observed, of the fluid of Sir John Barleycorn, a sufficiency to inundate + the whole neighbourhood! "Such a circumstance," said the attendant, + "actually occurred a few years ago, when the vat burst, and an ocean of + beer rushed forth, with such impetuous force as to bear down, in its + resistless progress, the side of a house, and fill, to the imminent hazard + of drowning the astonished and alarmed occupants, all the cellars in the + vicinity."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Scarcely any thing contributes so much to characterize the + enterprising spirit of the present age, as the vast scale on + which many branches of manufacture are carried on in this + country. Every one has heard of the celebrated tun of + Heidelberg, but that monument of idle vanity is rivalled by + the vessels now employed in the breweries of this + metropolis. +</pre> + <p> + Having seen all that is remarkable in this spacious concern, the two + associates turned into Oxford Street, where their attention was directed + to a gay female in an elegant equipage, pair in hand, dashing along, in + the manner of royal celerity. + </p> + <p> + "Observe that lady," said Dashall, "She is the celebrated Mrs. C*r*y, the + favourite sultana of a certain Commander in Chief, and I shall give you + her history in a few words." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[107]</span> "Sutherland, a bombadier at Woolwich, + obtained a commission, but was less successful in securing the fidelity of + his wife, who eloped with an officer to Gibraltar; the produce of this + intercourse was the amoroso whom we observed <i>en passant</i>; in process + of time she married C*r*y, an officer in a veteran battalion, but shortly + afterwards getting tired of the connection, she adopted the laudable + example set by her respectable mamma, deserted her husband and came to + England, under the protection of a surgeon in the army, whose embraces she + relinquished for those of her present illustrious possessor. How long she + may keep him in captivation, is a surmise of rather equivocal import; + however ardent at present, his attachment, Mrs. C*r*y must be aware of the + versatile propensities of his R*y*l H*ghn*ss of Y**k, and sans doubt like + her predecessor, Mary Ann C***ke, will make the most of a favourable + opportunity." + </p> + <p> + "London exhibits Real Life in all its forms and gradations, from the + hireling of royalty in a curricle, to the passive spouse of all the town, + on the pavement; from the splendour of affluence to the miseries of + penury; even Mendicity itself has its shades of variety, its success being + less frequently derived from the acuteness of distress than the caprice of + Nature, in having gifted the mendicant with some peculiar eccentricity of + person or character, to attract attention and sympathy. He who is without + these endowments passes unnoticed; but the diminutive and deformed + creature, seated on a child's cart, who with the help of crutches shoves + himself along the street, and whose whole height, including his machine, + does not exceed two feet; this minikin, <i>ecce homo</i>, is gazed at by + the casual passenger as a prodigy, and seldom fails to benefit by the + excitation of curiosity."— + </p> + <p> + Approaching the tiny personage alluded to,—"Well, Mr. Andrew + Whiston," said Dashall, "what important business brings you so far + westward? I thought that your migrations from Bankside had never extended + beyond the precincts of Temple-bar." + </p> + <p> + "I wot weel, your honor, that I have strayed far frae hame, and to little + purpose,—better fortune has not lit on me this wearisome day, than + meeting wi' your honor, for God bless you many a time has the poor + dwarfish body tasted your bounty." + </p> + <p> + During this colloquy, Tallyho gazed on the poor dwarfish body with + commiseration, intermixed with no small portion of surprise, at this fresh + display of general knowledge by his intelligent and amusing coz, to whom + all of interest and curiosity in the metropolis, animate and inanimate, + seemed perfectly familiar. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[108]</span> "And whither away now, Master Whiston; + do you mean to look in at the rendezvous to night?"{1} + </p> + <p> + "Faith no, sir,—I got a fright there some few years since, and I + shall be very cautious of getting into the like disaster a second time." + </p> + <p> + The conversation had so far proceeded, to the entertainment of congregated + passengers, when the auditory getting rather inconveniently numerous, the + two friends left each his mite of benevolence with Maister Andrew Whiston, + gaining home without further incident or interruption.{2} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Recurring to the holy land, the rendezvous is a noted + house in St. Giles's, where, after the labors of the day, + the mendicant fraternity assemble, enjoy the comfort of a + good supper; amongst other items, not unfrequently an + alderman in chains, alias a roast turkey, garnished with + pork-sausages; elect their chairman, and spend the night as + jolly beggars ought to do, in mirth and revelry. + + 2 Andrew Whiston was born at Dundee in Scotland, February + 10th, 1770, and has, during the last twenty-eight years, + resided in London. The person of this man is well known to + the perambulators of the metropolis. He forms altogether a + disgusting little figure, pushing himself about on a small + cart, which moves upon wheels, and wearing an apron to + conceal the deformity of his legs. His whole height, + including his vehicle, does not exceed two feet. To avoid + the penalties attached to begging and vagrancy, he carries a + few pens stuck between his coat and waistcoat, and declares + that the dealing in those articles is the only trade to + which he has been brought up. It is not improbable, that by + means of this, and other arts and mysteries which he + exercises, Andrew has been enabled to procure something more + than salt to his porridge. It cannot be supposed that his + person is calculated to excite the tender passion; it must + therefore be to the idea of his having accumulated wealth, + that we are to attribute the following circumstance. A short + time since, Andrew began to think seriously of taking unto + himself a wife, and having looked round among his female + acquaint-ance for a desirable partner, he fixed his choice + on a Mrs. Marshall, the widow of a waterman, who follows the + trade of a retail dealer in fish, at the corner of Spiller's + public-house, on that side of the Surrey Road which he + usually frequents. This fair lady, who might perhaps have + been dead as a roach to his addresses, if he had possessed + nothing but his deformed person to offer, proved leaping + alive, ho! at the thought of Andrew's little hoard, of which + she hoped to become mistress. Several presents attested the + seriousness of the lover's proposals, and his charmer was + all compliance to his wishes, till he had actually sent the + money to pay for publishing the banns at Christ Church, when + the ridicule of all her acquaintance urged her to abandon + the design of so preposterous a match. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0007" id="link32HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Gae him strong drink until he wink, + That's sinking in despair; + And liquor gúid to fire his blúid, + That's prest wi' grief and care;— + Then let him boose and deep carouse, + Wi' bumpers flowing o'er; + 'Till he forgets his fears and debts, + And minds his ills no more. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[109]</span> DASHALL, during a stroll with his + relation round the neighbourhood of Covent Garden, learning that several + of his friends had formed a select party to dine at the Shakespear that + day, sent in the names of himself and Coz, and they were received by the + social and convivial assemblage with acclamation. + </p> + <p> + The Dinner-party comprised Sir Felix O'Grady, an Irish baronet just + imported from the province of Munster; the honorable Frederick Fitzroy, a + luminary in the constellation of Fashion; Colonel Mc. Can, a distinguished + Scotch Officer; an amateur Poet; a member of the Corps Dramatique; and our + old friends Sparkle and Mortimer, with the augmentation of Dashall and + Tallyho, as already mentioned. + </p> + <p> + The viands were excellent, and the wines of the first quality. + Conviviality was the order of the evening, and its whimsicalities were + commenced during the repast, by the player, who, taking up a goblet of + wine, and assuming the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, exclaimed— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "I drink + To the general joy of the whole table;— + May good digestion wait on appetite, + And health on both."—— +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[110]</span>The bottle was now put into quick + circulation; harmony and hilarity prevailed; and the poet, availing + himself of the moments of inspiration, gave the following chant, <i>extempore</i>.— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Song. + + Air. Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen. + + Here's to the land where fair Freedom is seen, + + Old England,—her glory and trade, aye;— + Here's to the island of Erin so green, + And here's to Sir Felix O'Grady; + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to the beaus and the belles of the day, + + The pleasures of life who enjoy, sir;— + Here's to the leaders of fashion, so gay, + And here's to the dashing Fitzroy, sir. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to our sailors who plough the salt wave, + + And never from battle have ran, sir;— + Here's to our soldiers who nobly behave, + And here's to brave Colonel Mc. Can, sir. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to the joys that our reason engage, + + Where Truth shines our best benefactress; + Here's to the triumph of Learning,—the Stage,- + And here's to each actor and actress. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to the man with a head to discern, + + And eke with a heart to bestow, sir, + Tom Dashall, well skill'd Life in London to learn; + And here's to the Squire Tallyho, sir. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to the friendship united and true, + + That paces variety's round, sir; + To Sparkle and Mortimer fill then, anew, + And let us with pleasure abound, sir. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. +</pre> + <p> + This complimentary bag-a-telle was well received, and Sir Felix, shaking + the amateur cordially by the hand, observed, that amongst other + attainments before he left London, he meant to acquire the art of making + verses, when he should give the poet a Rowland for his Oliver! + </p> + <p> + The player having but recently returned to Town, after completing his + engagements with some of the Irish provincial theatres, proceeded to amuse + his auditory, the baronet excepted, with accounts of the manner of posting + in the sister kingdom.— + </p> + <p> + "Travelling," said he, "in the province of Munster, having got into a + chaise, I was surprised to hear the driver knocking at each side of the + carriage.—"What are you doing?"—"A'n't I nailing your honor?"—"Why + do you nail me up? I don't wish to be nailed up."—"Augh! would your + honor have the doors fly off the hinges?" When we came to the end of the + stage, I begged the man to unfasten the doors.—"Ogh! what would I be + taking out the nails for, to be racking the doors?"—"How shall I get + out then?"—"Can't your honor get out of the window like any other + jontleman?" I then began the operation; but having forced my head and + shoulders out, could get no farther, and called again to the postillion.—"Augh! + did any one ever see any one get out of a chay head foremost? Can't your + honor put out your feet first, like a Christian?" + </p> + <p> + Here the baronet manifested considerable impatience, and was about to + interrupt the narrator, when the latter requesting permission, continued: + </p> + <p> + "Next day four horses were attached to the crazy vehicle;—one, + unfortunately, lost a shoe; and as I refused to go on until the poor + animal was shod, my two postillions commenced, in my hearing, a colloquy.—"Paddy, + where will I get a shoe, and no smith nigh hand?"—"Why don't you see + yon jontleman's horse in the field; can't you go and unshoe him?"—"True + for ye," said Jem, "but that horse's shoe will never fit him." "Augh! you + can but try it," said Paddy. So the gentleman's horse was actually unshod, + and his shoe put upon the posting hack; and fit or not fit, Paddy went off + with it. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[112]</span> "Same day, during a violent storm of + wind and rain, 1 found that two of the windows were broken, and two could + not, by force or art of man, be pulled up. I ventured to complain to Paddy + of the inconvenience I suffered from the storm pelting in my face. His + consolation was, "Augh! God bless your honour, and can't you get out and + set behind the carriage, and you'll not get a drop at all, I'll engage!" + </p> + <p> + The player having thus closed his narrative, and the laughter of the + company having subsided, the baronet very candidly admitted, that the + sister kingdom in many parts, was miserably deficient in the requisites of + travelling, and other conveniences to which the English were accustomed. + But in process of time (he continued) we shall get more civilized. + Nevertheless, we have still an advantage over you; we have more + hospitality, and more honesty. Nay, by the powers! but it is so, my good + friends. However much we unhappily may quarrel with each other, we respect + the stranger who comes to sojourn amongst us; and long would he reside, + even in the province of Munster, before a dirty spalpeen would rob him of + his great coat and umbrella, and be after doing that same thing when he + was at a friend's house too, from which they were taken, along with nearly + all the great coats, cloaks, shawls, pelisses, hats and umbrellas, + belonging to the company."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 We are inclined to believe that Sir Felix alludes to the + fol-lowing instance of daring depredation. +</pre> + <p> + Extraordinary Robbery. On Thursday night, whilst a large party of young + folks were assembled at the house of Mr. Gregory, in Hertford Street, + Fitzroy Square, to supper, a young man was let in by a servant, who said + he had brought a cloak for his young mistress, as the night was cold. The + servant left him in the hall, and went up stairs; when shortly after, a + second arrived with a hackney coach, and on his being questioned by the + servant, he said he brought the coach to take his master and mistress + home. The servant was not acquainted with the names of half the company, + and therefore credited what was told her. The two strangers were suffered + to stand at the stairs head, to listen to the music and singing, with + which they appeared highly delighted, and also had their supper and plenty + to drink. But while festive hilarity prevailed above, the villains began + to exercise their calling below, and the supper table in a trice they + unloaded of four silver table spoons, a silver sauce-boat, knives and + forks, &c. and from off the pegs and banisters they stole eight + top-coats, several cloaks, shawls, pelisses and hats, besides a number of + umbrellas, muffs, tippets, and other articles, all of which they carried + off in the coach which was in waiting. To complete the farce, the watchman + shut the coach door, and wished "their honours" good night. The robbery + was not discovered until the company was breaking up. No trace of the + thieves can be found. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[113]</span> There was certainly somewhat of an <i>Irishism</i> + in the baronet's remark.—Of eight great coats stolen, the thieves + could not discriminate who were the respective owners, and if it had been + possible that they could have discriminated, it is not likely that any + regard for the laws of hospitality would have induced them to make an + exception of Sir Felix O'Grady's property amidst the general depredation. + </p> + <p> + The company, although secretly amused by the baronet's remarks, condoled + with him on the loss he had sustained; and the player protesting that in + stating the facts of Irish posting, he had no intention of giving the + baronet the least offence, unanimity was restored, and the conviviality of + the evening proceeded without further interruption. + </p> + <p> + Sir Felix made Irish bulls, and gave Irish anecdotes; the amateur + occasionally gave a song or a stanza impromptu; the player spouted, + recited, and took off several of his brother performers, by exhibiting + their defects in close imitations,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Till tired at last wi' mony a farce," + They sat them down— +</pre> + <p> + and united with the remaining company in an attentive hearing to a + conversation which the honorable Frederick Fitzroy had just commenced with + his friend Dashall.— + </p> + <p> + "You have now," said the honourable Frederick Fitzroy, addressing himself + to Dashall, "You have now become a retired, steady, contemplative young + man; a peripatetic philosopher; tired with the scenes of ton, and deriving + pleasure only from the investigation of Real Life in London, accompanied + in your wanderings, by your respectable relative of Belville-Hall; and yet + while you were one of us, you shone like a star of the first magnitude, + and participated in all the follies of fashion with a zest of enjoyment + that forbid the presage of satiety or decline." + </p> + <p> + "Neither," answered Dashall, "have I now altogether relinquished those + pleasures, but by frequent repetition they become irksome; the mind is + thus relieved by opposite pursuits, and the line of observation which I + have latterly chosen has certainly afforded me much substantial + information and rational amusement." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[114]</span> "Some such pursuit I too must think of + adopting," replied Fitzroy, "else I shall sink into the gulph of ennuit to + the verge of which I am fast approaching. Independent of the frequent + ruinous consequences of the gaming-table, I have taken a dislike to its + associates, and therefore abandoned their society; nor will you be + surprised at my having adopted this resolution, when I inform you, that at + my last sitting in one of these nefarious haunts of dissipation, I was + minus to the extent, in a few hours, of several thousand pounds, the prize + of unprincipled adventurers, of swindlers, black-legs, and + pigeon-fanciers!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A pigeon-fancier is one of those speculators at the + Gambling Houses, whose object it is to lie in wait for + inexperienced noviciates, and under the pretext of fair and + honorable dealing pluck their feathers; that is to say, + strip them bare of their property. Days and nights are + passed at the gaming-table. "I remember," said the Earl + of G——, "spending three days and three nights in the + hazard room of a well-known house in St James's Street; the + shutters were closed, the curtains down, and we had candles + the whole time; even in the adjoining rooms we had candles, + that when our doors were opened to bring in refreshments, no + obtrusive gleam of day-light might remind us how the hours + had passed. How human nature supported the fatigue, I know + not. We scarcely allowed ourselves a moment's pause to take + the sustenance our bodies required. At last one of the + waiters, who had been in the room with us the whole time, + declared that he could hold out no longer, and that sleep he + must. With difficulty he obtained an hour's truce; the + moment he got out of the room he fell asleep, absolutely at + the very threshold of our door. By the rules of the house he + was entitled to a bonus on every transfer of property at the + hazard-table; and he made in the course of three days, up- + wards of Three hundred pounds! Sleep and avarice had + struggled to the utmost, but, with his vulgar habit, sleep + prevailed. We were wide awake. I never shall forget the + figure of one of my noble associates, who sat holding his + watch, his eager eyes fixed upon the minute-hand, whilst he + exclaimed continually, "This hour will never be over!" Then + he listened to discover whether his watch had stopped, then + cursed the lazy fellow for falling asleep, protesting, that + for his part, he never would again consent to such a waste + of time. The very instant the hour was ended, he ordered + "that dog" to be awakened, and to work we went. At this + sitting Thirty-five Thousand Pounds were lost and won. I was + very fortunate, for I lost a mere trifle—Ten Thousand + Pounds only!" +</pre> + <p> + Dashall congratulated Fitzroy on his resolution, in having cut the + dangerous connexion, and expressed a hope that in due process of time he + would emancipate himself from the trammels of dissipation generally. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[115]</span> "That," rejoined Fitzroy, "is already + in a considerable degree effected." + </p> + <p> + "In the higher and middle classes of society," says a celebrated writer, + "it is a melancholy and distressing sight to observe, not unfrequently, a + man of a noble and ingenuous disposition, once feelingly alive to a sense + of honor and integrity, gradually sinking under the pressure of his + circumstances, making his excuses at first with a blush of conscious + shame, afraid to see the faces of his friends from whom he may have + borrowed money, reduced to the meanest tricks and subterfuges to delay or + avoid the payment of his just debts, till ultimately grown familiar with + falsehood, and at enmity with the world, he loses all the grace and + dignity of man."— + </p> + <p> + "Such," continued Fitzroy, "was the acmé of degradation to which I was + rapidly advancing, when an incident occurred to arrest the progress of + dissipation, and give a stimulus to more worthy pursuits. + </p> + <p> + "One morning having visited a certain nunnery in the precincts of + Pall-Mail, the Lady Abbess introduced me to a young noviciate, a beautiful + girl of sixteen. + </p> + <p> + "When we were left alone, she dropped on her knees, and in attitude and + voice of the most urgent supplication, implored me to save her from + infamy!" + </p> + <p> + "I am in your power," she exclaimed, "but I feel confident that you will + not use it to my dishonor.—I am yet innocent;—restore me to my + parents,—pure and unsullied,—and the benediction of Heaven + will reward you!"— + </p> + <p> + She then told me a most lamentable tale of distress;—that her father + was in prison for a small debt; and that her mother, her brothers and + sisters, were starving at home.—Under these disastrous circumstances + she had sought service, and was inveighd into that of mother W. from + whence she had no hope of extrication, unless through my generous + assistance! She concluded her pathetic appeal, by observing, that if the + honorable Frederick Fitzroy had listened to the call of humanity, and paid + a debt of long standing, her father would not now be breaking his heart in + prison, her family famishing, nor herself subject to destruction. + </p> + <p> + "And I am the Author of all!" I exclaimed, "I am the dis-honorable + Frederick Fitzroy, who in the vortex of dissipation, forgot the exercise + of common justice, and involved a worthy man and his suffering family in + misery! But I thank heaven, the injury is not irreparable!" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[116]</span> "I immediately explained to Mother W. + the peculiarly distressing situation of this poor girl, rescued her from + meditated perdition,—restored the husband to his family, with + improved circumstances,—and by a continuance of my support, I trust, + in some degree to atone for past transgression." + </p> + <p> + This narrative excited much interest, and the approval, by the company, of + Fitzroy's munificence was expressive and unanimous. + </p> + <p> + The conviviality of the evening was renewed, and sustained until an early + hour, when the party broke up; having enjoyed "the feast of reason, and + the flow of soul," with temperate hilarity. + </p> + <p> + Dashall, his Cousin, and Fitzroy, proceeding under the piazzas of Covent + Garden, the latter suggested an hour's amusement in the Cellars underneath + the Hotel, a proposition which was immediately acceded to by his + companions, and the trio descended into the lower regions. + </p> + <p> + The descent however bore not any resemblance to that of Telemachus into + Hell. A brilliant light irradiated their passage, and the grim shadows of + the infernal abode were, if present, without the ken of ocular + observation. In place of the palace of Pandemonium, our triumvirate beheld + the temple of Bacchus, where were assembled a number of Votaries, + sacrificing to the jolly Deity of the Ancients, in frequent and powerful + libations. + </p> + <p> + By some unaccountable means the daemon of discord, however, gained + admission and ascendancy. + </p> + <p> + A scene now took place which baffles every attempt at description.—The + row became general; decanters, glasses, and other fragile missiles, were + resorted to,—their fragments strewed the floor,—and the + terrified attendants hastened to require the interposition of the + guardians of the night, in restoring order and tranquillity. + </p> + <p> + Amidst the ravage and dissonance of war, our trio preserved a strict + neutrality, and before the arrival of the mediating powers, had regained + their position in the piazzas, where they waited the result of the + conflict. + </p> + <p> + Negotiations of peace having been unavailingly attempted, the refractory + combatants were taken into custody, after an obstinate resistance, and + conducted to "duress vile," in the Watch-house. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[117]</span> The tragi-comedy was dacently wound up + by one of the performers, a native of the Emerald Isle, who thinking it + necessary that the neighbourhood should have an intimation of the + proceedings, announced the hour of "past three," with the accompaniment of + "a bloody MORNING!"{1} + </p> + <p> + The neutrals now proceeded to their respective homes, and our two + associates reached their domicile, without the occurrence of further + incident. + </p> + <p> + Next morning the indicative double rit-tat of the postman induced the + Squire from the breakfast-parlor to the hall. The servant had opened the + door, and received the letters; when an itinerant dealer in genuine + articles obtruded himself on the threshold, and doffing his castor after + the manner of a knowing one, enquired whether his honor was pleased to be + spoke with. Tallyho desired him to step in, and required to know his + business. The fellow with a significant wink, and many prelusive apologies + for the liberty he was about to take, stated that he had accidentally come + into possession of some contraband goods, chiefly Hollands, Geneva, and + India silk handkerchiefs, of prime and indisputable excellence; which he + could part with at unparalleled low prices;—that he had already, in + this private way, disposed of the greatest portion, and that if his honor + was inclined to become a purchaser, he now had the opportunity of blending + economy with superlative excellence, in an almost incredible degree, and + unequalled in any part of the three kingdoms. + </p> + <p> + This flourish the Squire answered with becoming indignity; expressed his + surprise at the consummate assurance of any trickster who would dare to + offer him a contraband article, to the prejudice of His Majesty's revenue; + and ordered the servant to turn the "scoundrel" out of doors.{2} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The above mentioned fracas took place a few weeks ago.— + The offenders "against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the + King," were next day held before one of the Police + Magistrates, when it appearing that the row occurred under + the influence of ebriety, and that the landlord and the + watchmen were the only sufferers, a com-promise was + permitted, and the parties were discharged with a suitable + admonition. + + 2 "Contraband articles." The Squire apparently was not + aware that the superlatively excellent Hollands, Geneva, and + India-hand-kerchiefs were, the one the manufacture of + Spital-fields, and the other the sophisticated balderdash + known by the name of Maidstone gin. It is a fact, altho' not + generally known, that at the different watering places every + season, the venders of silk handkerchiefs manufactured in + Spital-flelds, carry on a lucrative trade, by disposing of + them under the affectation of secrecy, as the genuine + produce of the Indian loom; and thus accommodating + themselves to the prejudice of their customers against our + native productions; get off in threefold proportion, the + number sold in London, and at a cent per cent greater + advantage! + + With respect to alleged contraband SPIRITS, the deceit is + more successfully manoeuvred in Town than in the country.— + The facility of smuggling on the coast frequently supplies + the maritime visitant with a cheap and genuine beverage. In + Town the same opportunity does not occur, and on the + uninitiated in the cheats of London, the system of this + species of imposition is more frequently practised. + Professing to exhibit Real Life in London, we shall not + trouble our readers with an apology for the introduction of + the following appropriate incident— + + Court ok Requests.—Holborn.—A case of rather a curious + nature, and which was characterised rather by the absurd + credulity of the parties than by its novelty, came before + the Commissioners on Thursday last. A man of the name of + O'Regan attended the Court, to show cause against a summons + which had been issued, calling upon him to pay a debt of + eighteen shillings, which was alleged to be due by him to a + person who stated his name to be Higgins. The parties were + both Irishmen, and exhibited a good deal of irritation as + well as confusion, in their stories. With some difficulty + the following facts were collected from their respective + statements;—On Tuesday week, about nine o'clock in the + evening, a man dressed in the costume of a sailor, and + wearing a large rough coat, similar to that commonly worn by + sea-faring men, in bad weather, entered the shop of O'Regan, + who is a dealer in salt fish, and other haberdashery," as he + called it, in St. Giles's; and beckoning to the back part of + the room, and at the same time looking very significantly, + said, "May be you would not like a drop of the "real thing," + to keep a merry Christmas with?" "What do you mane?" says + O'Regan. "Whiskey, to be sure," says the man. "Faith, and + it's I that would, "replied O'Regan, "provided it was good + and chape." "Och, by the piper of Kilrush," says the man, + "there has not been a noter, claner, more completer drop of + <i>Putshean</i> (whiskey illicitly distilled,) smuggled across + the <i>Herring-brook</i> (the Irish Channel,) for many a long + day, and as for chapeness, you shall have it for an ould + song." "You don't mane to say it's after being smuggled!" + says O'Regan. "Be my soul, but I do," rejoined the man, + "it's I and Jack Corcoran, a friend of mine, brought it safe + and sound into the Thames last Sunday, in the shape of a + cargo of butter-firkins, from Cork." "Could a body taste + it?"pursued O'Regan. With a couple of "why nots," says the + man, "I've a blather full of it under my oxther (his arm- + pit,) if you'll lind us hould of a glass." O'Regan said he + hadn't a glass handy, but he brought a cup, and the bladder + being produced, a fair taste was poured forth, which + O'Regan, having tippled it off, after collecting his breath, + swore was "the darling of a drop, it was the next kin to + aquafortis."—"Aqua fifties you mane" says the man, + "aquafortis is a fool to it." The next question was, as to + the price?"Och, by the powers," says the honest smuggler, + "as you're a countryman and friend, you shall have it for + ten shillings a gallon, and less than that I would'nt give + it to my mother." O'Regan thought this too much, and + proposed eight shillings a gallon; but, after much + chartering, he agreed to give nine shillings. The quantity + was next discussed. The man could not sell less than an + anker, four gallons. This was too much for O'Regan; but he + finally determined to get a friend to go partners, and + Higgins, who lodged in his house, was called down and also + indulged with a taste, which he likewise pronounced + "beautiful." It was then arranged, with strong injunctions + of secrecy, that the tub should be brought the next night, + in a half-bushel sack, as if it were coals, and the hour of + nine was appointed. The smuggler then departed, but was true + to his appointment. He came at the hour fixed on the + Wednesday night, and in the disguise proposed. The commodity + was then carried into a little back parlor, with great + mystery, and deposited in a cupboard, and the doors being + all shut, he demanded his cash. "To be sure," says Higgins; + "but, first and foremost (for he was more cautious than his + friend,) let us see if it is as good as the sample was?" + "Och, the devil burn me," says the smuggler, "if I'd desave + you." "Sure I know you would'nt," replied Higgins, "only + just I'd like to wet my whistle with another drop, as you + may say." "Touch my honor, touch my life," says the + smuggler; and seizing the tub with some indignation, he + called for the poker, and then striking the barrel on each + side the bung-hole, out started the bung. He next called for + a table-spoon, and a cup, and ladling out about a noggin, + alias a quartern, handed it to O'Regan, who, having taken a + suck, by the twist of his eye and the smack of his lips, + evinced his satisfaction. Higgins finished it; and + exclaiming, "it's the dandy," passed his hand in his + pocket, without further hesitation, and produced his + eighteen shillings. O'Regan did the same, and the cask being + safely locked in the cupboard, the smuggler was let out with + as much caution as he had been admitted. O'Regan and Higgins + then held a council upon the division of the spoil; and the + latter went up stairs to fetch down a two gallon jar, while + the former ran to the public-house to borrow a measure. They + soon met again in the parlor, and the tub was brought out. + They endeavoured at first to get the bung out in the same + manner which they had observed the smuggler pursue, but not + being equally acquainted with the subject, they could not + succeed. This difficulty, however, was soon obviated. + O'Regan obtained a large gimblet from a next door neighbour, + and a hole being bored in one of the ends, the liquor began + to flow very freely into the measure which was held to + receive it. Higgins remarked that it looked very muddy, and + on the pint being full, lifted it up to have another sup; + but he had no sooner taken a gulp, than, to the dismay of + O'Regan, he exclaimed, "Oh, Holy Paul, it's bilge!" + mentioning a very unsavoury liquid. "Brother," says O'Regan, + and snatching the measure from his partner, took a mouthful + himself, which he as quickly spirted about the floor; and + then, in an agitated tone, cried out, "Sure enough Higgins, + it is bilge, and precious bail it is, as ever I drank." They + now eyed each other for some time with mutual surprise, and + then sympathetically agreed that they must have been "done." + It was still, however, a matter of surprise to them, how + their friend, the smuggler, could have taken good whiskey + (which that they had tasted from the bung-hole certainly + was,) from such nastiness. In order to solve their doubts, + they procured a pail; and, having emptied the cask, they + proceeded to break it to pieces, when, to their + astonishment, the mystery was unravelled, and their folly, + in being made the dupes of a pretended smuggler, made fully + manifest; for immediately under the bung-hole they found a + small tin box, capable of containing about half a pint, + which, being tightly tacked to one of the staves, kept the + pure liquor, a small quantity of which still remained, from + that which was of a very opposite character. It was no + laughing matter, and they were not, therefore, very merry on + the occasion; and still less so, when Higgins demanded of + O'Regan the repayment of his eighteen shillings; this + O'Regan refused, and a quarrel ensued, which after having + terminated in a regular "set to," attended with painful + consequences to both; was followed by Higgins applying to + this Court for the summons which led to their appearance + before the Commissioners. The whole of the circum-stances, + with infinite trouble, having been thus unravelled; the + Commissioner declared his inability to afford Mr. Higgins + any re-dress. There was clearly no debt incurred; there was + a mutual compact, entered into for an illegal purpose, for + had the liquid which they had purchased been smuggled + spirits, they were liable to pay a large penalty for having + bought it. But putting aside all these considerations, it + was clear that Higgins had, with a proper degree of caution, + endeavoured to satisfy himself of the quality of the article + before he paid his money; and thereby showed that he was not + acting under a confidence in any guarantee on the part of + O'Regan; and consequently could have no claim on him. In + this view of the case, he should dismiss the summons without + costs. The parties then retired, amidst the laughter of the + by-standers; and Higgins, who was evidently much mortified, + swore he would take the worth of his eighteen shillings + "out of O'Regan's bones!" +</pre> + <p> + This command was obeyed with alacrity, and as promptly acceded to by the + discomfited intruder, who, however, retrieved, without doubt, in the + credulity of others, the disappointment he had sustained by the + pertinacity of the Squire. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[120]</span> The morning was unfavourable to + pedestrian excursion. The library was well stored with literature in + choice variety. To this antidote of ennui the Squire resorted, while + Dashall wrote cards of invitation to a few select friends, whom he knew + would, <i>sans cerémonie</i> honor his table to take bachelor's fare with + him in the evening. + </p> + <p> + "I pity the man in a rainy day," says a writer, "who cannot find amusement + in reading." This was not the case with the two associates;—the + intellectual treat afforded by the library was fully enjoyed; and the + moments glided on, imperceptibly, until verging on the hour of dinner. + </p> + <p> + The friends to whom Dashall had sent round, one and all accepted his + invitation, and the remainder of the day was devoted to that refined + hilarity, of which his hospitable board was always the chief + characteristic. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0008" id="link32HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + London, thy streets abound with incident.— + Dashing along, here roll the vehicles, + Splendid, and drawn by highly pamper'd steeds, + Of rank and wealth; and intermix'd with these, + The hackney chariot, urg'd to sober pace + Its jaded horses; while the long-drawn train + Of waggons, carts, and drays, pond'rous and slow, + Complete the dissonance, stunning the ear + Like pealing thunder, harsh and continuous, + While on either side the busy multitude + Pass on, various and infinite.— +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[122]</span> THE following morning presented the + exhilarating aspect of an unclouded sky, and the two friends were + anticipating, at the breakfast-table, the enjoyment of a fine day,—when + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A double rat-tat, quickly doubled again, » + Announced an intruder of Consequence vain, + Decorum inclin'd to defy all;— + Again went the knocker, yet louder and faster, + John ran to the door, and one ask'd for his master, + Resolv'd against taking denial.— +</pre> + <p> + "My good fellow," said the stranger, "will you be after representing my + obeisance and all that, to the Honorable Mr. Dashall, and I beg to know + whether he is at home?" + </p> + <p> + "Your name, sir?" + </p> + <p> + "Augh, what does it signify?—Tell him an old friend with a new face,—arrah, + not so,—tell him, that a new friend with no face at all at all, + would be glad to wait upon him.—Sir Felix O'Grady, the Munster + baronet, d'ye mind me?" + </p> + <p> + This was an unexpected visit, and the more kindly received by Dashall and + Tallyho, who promised themselves considerable amusement in the acquisition + of the baronet's society, which was readily conceded for the day, to their + request. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[123]</span> "Have you breakfasted?" asked Dashall. + "Whether or not," answered Sir Felix, "I'll take a cup of taa with you, + any how." + </p> + <p> + When the repast was finished, the triumvirate set out on their pedestrian + excursion; interrupted however, in their progress, by a temporary shower, + they took refuge in a Coffee-house, where Sir Felix taking up a Newspaper, + read from amongst the numerous advertisements, the following selected + article of information,—"Convenient accommodations for ladies who + are desirous of privately lying in, and their infants carefully put out to + nurse." "Well now, after all," observed the baronet, "this same London is + a very convanient place, where a lady may gratify her pleasurable + propensities, and at same time preserve an unblemished reputation. It is + only going into the country, sure, for the benefit of her health; that is + to say, she retires to one of the villages in the neighbourhood of London, + pays her way without name given or questions asked, and in a few months, + returns to Town improved in health, but more slender in person, all her + acquaintance exclaiming, "La! my dear, how vastly thin you have grown!"— + </p> + <p> + "There are in London and its neighbourhood," said Dashall, "numerous such + convenient asylums; but I cannot acquiesce in their utility.—I am + rather of opinion that they have a demoralizing tendency, as accelerating + by concealment, the progress of licentiousness.—Human failings will + still predominate, and the indulgence of illicit intercourse is less + frequently prevented by an innate principle of virtue than the dread of + shame. When facility of concealment is therefore given to the result, + these connexions will still become more prevalent." + </p> + <p> + "By the Powers," exclaimed Sir Felix, "but I think Morality ought to feel + particularly benefited by these convanient asylums; they preserve + reputation, and in some instances have prevented suicide and murder. I + know of two cases wherein both crimes were perpetrated through a sense of + shame and dread of discovery, which probably would not have happened could + the unfortunates have resorted to "convanient accommodations."—Well, + here's good luck to the fair sex, the dear cratures! and may they, every + one of them, die on a Christmas day, any how!"{1} + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[124]</span> This eccentric wish elicited a look of + surprise from the Squire, which Sir Felix observing,— + </p> + <p> + "My rason is," said he, "that the gates of heaven being open all that day + long, a body may slip in unknownst, as it is to be hoped that you, Mr. + Dashall, and I may do, some day shortly without any interruption at all, + at all." + </p> + <p> + This ludicrous finis excited the laughter of the company— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "But lo! the clouds break off, and sideways run, + Out from his shelter lively looks the sun:" +</pre> + <p> + and the united observers of Real Life hailing the favorable presage, + resumed their perambulation.— + </p> + <p> + Advancing along Piccadilly towards Hyde Park, they reached the splendid + mansion of the hero of Waterloo; the gates were open, and a travelling + carriage with four horses was in waiting for his Grace, who was then about + setting off to inspect the fortifications of the Netherlands.{2} Neither + Sir Felix nor Tallyho having ever seen the Duke, the triumvirate paused at + the entrance of the Court-yard, until the carriage came forth, when they + saluted the gallant warrior with the tribute of respect due to + distinguished services and exalted genius, which his Grace very + courteously returned. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 On the subject of "convenient accommodation for ladies + who wish privately to ly in," if we might hazard an opinion, + it would be in coincidence with that of our friend Dashall. + These establishments' are certainly an encouragement to + licentiousness, and it is well known, that in many of these + receptacles, "where the strictest honor and secrecy may be + relied on," the allurement of <i>abortion</i> is held out to the + unhappy female, if she declines the anticipation of maternal + solicitude. + + 2 Thirty-Two Great Personages! Anecdote of the Duke of + Wellington,—His Grace, the Duke of Wellington, when last in + the Netherlands, and travelling without attendants, in a + part of the country where his multitudinous titles were not + well understood, was overtaken on the road by a veteran + officer, whose route lay in the same direction with that of + his Grace. The Duke having occasion to stop; and as the + officer would reach a certain town several hours before him, + he requested that the veteran would take the trouble of + ordering dinner for him, at the principal Inn. The old + officer made his congee, and pro-ceeded on his mission. "I + am desired to order dinner here," said he, to the landlord; + "but stay, I had better state who for." Then calling for + pen and ink, he presented the astonished and delighted host + with the following list of his forthcoming illustrious + guests. + + The Prince of Waterloo! + The Duke of Wellington.—The Duke of Ciudad Rodrigo, + and The Duke of Vittoria. + The Marquis of Douro, and a Marshal General of France. + Master General of the Ordnance. + + Colonel of the Royal Regt. of Horse Guards, Blue. + Colonel of the Rifle Brigade. + + The Lord Lieutenant of Hampshire.—And + + The Governor of Plymouth. + + Field Marshal of Austria, + ——————————Russia, + ——————————Prussia, + ——————————France, + ——————————England, and + ——————————The Netherlands. + + A Grandee of the Highest Class. + A Captain General of Spain. + + Knights of the Orders of + The Garter, in England.—St. Andrew, in Russia.—The Black + Eagle, in Russia.—Charles III. in Spain.—St. Ferdinand and + Merit, in Spain.—The Golden Fleece, in Spain.—Maximilian + Joseph, in Bavaria.—St. Maria Theresa, in Austria.—The + Sword, in Spain.—St. Esprit, in France.—St. George, in + Russia.—The Tower and Sword, in Portugal. + And, (to bring up the rear,) + A Doctor of Civil Laws! + + "Mon Dieu!" exclaimed the host, in extacy, "what a noble + company!" He then began to tell them over;—"One Prince," + he continued,—"Three Dukes—One Marquis—A Marshal General + of France—An English Governor—An English Lord Lieutenant— + The Master General of the Ordnance, and Two English + Colonels—Six Field Marshals—One Grandee of the Highest + Class—A Captain General of Spain—Twelve Knights, and a + Doctor of Civil Laws!.'—<i>Mon Dieu!</i> Thirty-two Great + Personages!!" + + All the provisions of the town, all the delicacies of the + season and all the celebrated wines, were immediately put in + requisition for the illustrious company in expectancy. + + At last the Duke of Wellington arrived, and was ushered into + a spacious dining-room, where a cloth was laid with thirty- + two covers. The person of the Duke was unknown to the + Innkeeper, who, full of important preparations for the + Thirty-two Great Personages, thought not of any thing + else.—"I ordered dinner here," said his Grace.—"Mon + Dieu!" responded the Innkeeper, "are you one of the Thirty- + two Great Personages?" presenting the list at same time. His + Grace glanced his eye over it,—"they are all here!" said + he, "so send up the dinner immediately." The Inn-keeper + stood aghast with amazement; at last finding utterance, he + ventured to express a hope that his Grace would be pleased + to take into consideration, that he (the Innkeeper,) had, at + great trouble and expence, provided a most sumptuous + entertainment for Thirty-two Great Personages. "D——n + the Thirty-two Great Personages," exclaimed the Duke, "Send + up the dinner, and your bill.—Thus I must pay the penalty," + said he, "for not having invited the old veteran to be of + the party!!" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[125]</span> The Squire observed, that the brilliant + victories of his Grace, although acknowledged and rewarded by all the + Potentates of Europe, had not procured him much popularity at home. The + remark was confessed by Dashall to be correct, but whence the public + indifference originated, he could not presume to explain. + </p> + <p> + Crossing Hyde Park, which a celebrated physician denominated <i>the lungs + of the Metropolis</i>, our pedestrians made their egress into Oxford-road. + This fine street, with longitudinal reference the first in London, excited + the admiration of the baronet; the long line of perspective indeterminable + to the view, stretching from Hyde Park corner to St. Giles's, the general + uniformity of the buildings, the neatness, and in many instances the + splendor of the tradesmen's shops, together with the comfortable manner of + their perambulation, unjostled and unimpeded by the hurry, throng and + bustle of passengers, with which <span class="pagenum">[126]</span> many + other parts of the Town are annoyed, gave an additional zest of enjoyment + to the trio in their excursion, while the Squire observed, that he felt in + this part of the Town, always as if he had been suddenly removed to some + other region of the world, far remote from the city of London, its + dissonant uproar, and crowded inconveniences. + </p> + <p> + Turning into Blenheim street, Dashall apprized his companions, that if + they felt inclined to take a peep into the Theatre of Anatomy, he could + procure their admission. + </p> + <p> + The Squire seemed to recoil from so disgusting an exhibition; while on the + other hand the baronet expressed a great desire to enter the theatre. "I + have been used to murder and mutilation!" said he. + </p> + <p> + "The devil you have!" ejaculated the Squire, "where, how?" + </p> + <p> + "Where else should it be but in Ireland?" replied the baronet:—"and + as to the how, was it not, sure, after the manner of my profession, while + I was a member of a Corps of Yeoman Cavalry, during the rebellion, when we + whipped, hanged, beheaded, and mutilated men, every day, by dozens! So you + may guess, my good <span class="pagenum">[127]</span>friend, that cutting + up a human carcase is nothing new to me. Only now, I should like to see if + there is any difference in the mangling of human bodies by the anatomical + artists of London from the ci-devant military professors, "The Loyal Troop + of Doneraile." + </p> + <p> + The hesitation manifested by the Squire yielded, ultimately, to the + importunity of the baronet, and they entered the human shambles, where the + cutters up were at work upon a subject, securing to themselves the + advantage of personal experience, in the process of dissection; the + abdomen had been already cleared out, and the corpse was portioned out to + the different students of anatomy for the purpose of illustration; the + arms to one class, the legs to another, the head to a third, &c. so + that in less than a quarter of an hour, decapitation and dismemberment + were completely effected; and the trunk was deserted, as an uninteresting + object, from which there could not be derived any information of + importance, further than that which the students had already obtained!!! + </p> + <p> + Sir Felix whispered his friends, that these adepts in human mutilation far + exceeded in apathy of feeling and adroitness of execution, even the + ci-devant Loyal Troop of Doneraile!—But when one of the young + artists brought forward in his hands smeared with gore, a human heart for + the operation of the dissecting knife, Tallyho declaring that he could + bear it no longer, rushed out of the theatre, and was followed by his two + companions, all disgusted with this spoliation of the dead, however + conducive it might prove to the interests of the living.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The human subjects for these Theatres of Anatomy and + private dissection, are chiefly supplied by + "Resurrectionists;" a class of depraved wretches whose only + employment is that of body-snatching, or robbing the graves + of their dead; from which they derive a ready and lucrative + emolument. The anatomists are ready at all hours to receive, + without questions asked, and with prompt remuneration, the + produce of these unsanctified depredations.—Dreadful must + be the feelings of the fond relatives of a departed friend, + to learn that the sanctuary of the grave has been violated, + and the body of perhaps a beloved wife, sister, or other + revered female, exposed to the gaze, and subjected to the + scalping-knife, of these butchers. + + Iron Coffins have been resorted to as a safe-guard, which + once closed cannot be opened. For this improvement the + artist obtained a patent; but he is not likely to derive + much advantage from his invention, as the parish officers + within the bills of mortality have generally refused the + rites of sepulture to bodies cased in iron; alleging, that + the almost imperishable material would shortly compel an + enlargement of burying ground, at a vast expence, which it + is the duty of the parish officers to prevent, by resisting + the interment of bodies in iron coffins; and this resolution + has lately had the sanction of legal authority. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[128]</span> + </p> + <p> + Proceeding along Oxford Street, Sir Felix enquired for the <i>Holy Land</i>, + informing his friends, at same time, that his servant, whom he had + entrusted the preceding day with a cheque on his banker, had not been at + home all night, and the probability was, that he had got amongst his + Munster friends in Palestine. Sir Felix was therefore desirous of + ascertaining, if possible, the sanctuary of the fugitive; and with that + view requested his friends to accompany him in a perambulation of + discovery, through (to him) these hitherto unexplored regions.—This + application was readily assented to, and the triumvirate passed onwards to + the place of destination. + </p> + <p> + They had now reached the Church of St. Giles in the Fields, situated in + Broad Street, St. Giles's; and their attention was immediately directed to + that fine piece of sculpture over the iron gateway, leading into the + Church-yard, representing the Resurrection and Last Judgment. The figures + are in <i>basso relievo</i>, and although diminutive, are admirably + grouped, and the expression of each gives to the whole a finished and + impressive effect. + </p> + <p> + Two minutes more, and the three friends were on the boundaries of the Holy + Land, namely, George Street, or, as formerly cognomened, Dyott Street, + Bloomsbury. + </p> + <p> + At the end of this street, next to St. Giles's, were several of the Lower + Irish, of both gender, who, clustering together, seemed to hold a close + confabulation, casting occasionally, an inquisitive eye on Sir Felix + O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + "By the soul of the priest!" at last exclaimed one of the Munster + emigrees, "but it is him, and I would take my davy on it;—but sure + enough, I will ax the jontleman himself now, whether he knows who he is, + or if he is any body at all, at all!" + </p> + <p> + This real representative of the tag-rag and bob-tail of the Emerald Isle, + was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his class and country. A + nameless something that had once been a hat, covered a shock head of hair; + the redundancy of which protuberated sideways and perpendicularly, <span + class="pagenum">[129]</span>from the ci-devant castor, in many a knotty + combination, impervious to wind and weather. The fragments of a loose + great coat decorated his tall athletic form, which scarcely reaching his + knees, exposed fully to observation his nether habiliment,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "His galligaskins, that had long withstood + The winter's fury and encroaching frost + By Time subdued,—what will not Time subdue, + Now horrid rents disclosed, portending agues." +</pre> + <p> + His brawny legs were partially cased in worsted hose, the dilapidations of + wear and tear ingeniously repaired with cloth, pieced and patched, and + comprising all the prismatic colours of the rainbow; his toes, disdaining + the trammels of duress, peeped through his brogues, as if anxious for + freedom; and to complete the singularity of this strange figure, his + vacant face was incrusted with filth, his bristly beard unshorn,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And stuck in his mouth of capacious dimensions, + That never to similar shape had pretensions, + A pipe he sustain'd, short and jetty of hue, + Thro' which the dense clouds of tobacco he drew. +</pre> + <p> + This apparition stalking onwards to our admiring triumvirate,—"May + be," said he, "your honor can be after telling me,—will your honor + be Sir Felix O'Grady of Munster, that is, long life to it?"—"The + same, by the powers of my father who begot me!" exclaimed the baronet: + "sure enough I am Sir Felix O'Grady that is, not that will be!" "Erin ma + vorneen!" rejoined the enquirer,—"the pot of Saint Patrick be upon + you, and may your honor live all the days of your life, and many years + longer, if that's all!—Arrah, but I'm plased to my heart's content + to meet wid your honor in a strange land!" + </p> + <p> + The congregated expectants now approached, and respectfully united their + congratulations with those of their respectable deputy.—"The pot of + Saint Patrick be upon you, and may your reverence live for ever and a day + afterwards!" It was in vain that Sir Felix offered them money. "No, the + devil a drap would they taste, unless it was wid his honor's own self, by + the holy poker!" + </p> + <p> + There was no remedy; so Sir Felix, with his friends Dash all and Tallyho, + who were much amused by this <span class="pagenum">[130]</span>unsophisticated + manifestation of Irish recognition, accompanied the motley groupe to the + blue-ruin shop.{1} + </p> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0004" id="link3image-0004"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page130.jpg" alt="Page130 Blue Ruin Shop " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Entering then, the neighbouring den, of a licensed retailer of + destruction, the first object on whom the scrutinizing eye of the baronet + cast a glance, was his servant, regaling himself and his blowen with a + glass of the "right sort." The indignant Sir Felix raised his cane, and + was about to inflict a well-merited chastisement, when the transgressor, + deprecating the wrath of his master, produced the full amount of the + cheque in mitigation of punishment, expressing his obligations to mother + Cummings for the preservation of the property. + </p> + <p> + "And who, in the devil's name," asked the baronet, "is mother + Cummings?"{2} + </p> + <p> + "Och! a good sowl," said the valet, "for all that, she keeps convanient + lodgings. And so your honor, just having got a drap too much of the cratur + last night, this girl and I took up our lodgings at mother Cummings's: + good luck to her any how! And if your honor will but forgive me this once, + I will, as in duty bound, serve you faithfully by night and by day, in any + or in no way at all at all, and never will be guilty of the like again as + long as I live, gra." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Blue-ruin, alias English Gin.—Not unaptly is this + pernicious beverage so denominated. It is lamentable to + observe the avidity with which the lower orders of society + in London resort to this fiery liquid, destructive alike of + health and morals. The consumption of gin in the metropolis + is three-fold in proportion to what it was a few years ago. + Every public-house is now converted into "Wine Vaults," as + they are termed, which the venders of poison and their + account in; it is true, that the occupants are compelled to + sell beer also, but in many of these receptacles, there is + not even sitting room, and "something short," is thus the + resource of men, women, and even children! + + 2 This discreet matron has realized a very daccnt + competency, by keeping, in the Holy Land, a house of + accommodation for <i>single, men and their wives</i>.—When a + couple of this description require the asylum of her + hospitable roof, she demands possession of all the money + which the male visitor may have about him. This conceded, it + is told over, and carefully sealed up in the presence of its + owner, and left for the night in charge of the prudent + landlady. The party is then shewn into a room, and in the + morning the money is forth-coming to its utmost farthing. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[131]</span> Circumstances considered, and as this + had been his first offence, the servant, at the intercession of Dashall, + was let off with a reprimand only, and ordered home, a mandate which he + instantly and with many expressions of gratitude obeyed. + </p> + <p> + The baronet having adjusted this business to his satisfaction, directed + his attention to his newly acquired Munster friends, whom he not only + treated with a liberal potation of aqua vitæ, but in the warmth of his + kindly feelings, actually drank with them, a condescension infinitely more + acceptable to the generous nature of these poor-people, than was the more + solid proof which he left them of his munificence; and of which, until + absolutely forced upon them, they long and pertinaciously resisted the + acceptance. + </p> + <p> + Our party pursuing their route, entered Holborn, and ordered refreshment + at the George and Blue Boar Coffee-House; a place of excellent + accommodation, and convenient for persons coming from the West of England. + </p> + <p> + Here, while our perambulators amused themselves in conversation on the + occurrences of the morning, a chaise and four drove rapidly into the yard, + the postillions decorated with white ribbons, "denoting," said Dashall, + "the successful denouement, perhaps, of a trip to Gretna Green." His + conjecture was correct; the happy pair just arrived, had been rivetted in + the ties of matrimony by the far-famed blacksmith of Gretna.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 In tracing the pursuits of needy and profligate + adventurers, with whom this vast metropolis abounds beyond + that of any other capital in the world, wife-hunting is not + the least predominant. This remark we cannot better + illustrate than by introducing to the notice of our readers, + the following extraordinary detail, exhibiting in High Life, + atrocious premeditated villainy, and in the mediocrity of + female rank extreme and fatal cupidity. + + An anecdote has come to our knowledge within the last few + days which we think calls for publicity, as it may tend to + place on their guard those tender-hearted spinsters whose + sensibility of feeling may induce them for a moment to + forget that prudence which is at all times the best + safeguard of their sex. The circumstances which we shall + describe are considered quite unique among certain orders of + the sporting world; and the Hero of the Tale, from the + dashing completion of his plan, has obtained no small + importance in the eyes of his associates. + + To our purpose;—About a fortnight back, a person, we will + not call him a gentleman, the first letter of whose name is + not far re-moved from the last letter of the alphabet, and + who has been particularly distinguished for the dashing, + although not very meritorious affairs in which he has been + engaged, both on the turf and the road, as well as in the + stable, found himself (to use one of his own fashionable + phrases,) "hard up." In plain terms, his Exchequer was + completely exhausted, and what was worse, his credit was + altogether "out at the elbows." All ordinary, and, indeed, + almost all extraordinary modes of "raising the wind," had + long since been worn threadbare. Something, however, must be + done; and to be "well done," it must be "done quickly." A + happy thought struck him. He had heard of a lady, some few + years beyond her "teens," who was possessed of a pretty + round sum; he could not ascertain exactly how much, in her + own right. This was a prize which he thought it would be + most desirable to obtain. It was true, the lady was past + that age when passion is not at all times to be con-trolled; + but then certainly not so far advanced as to have abandoned + all hope of obtaining an agreeable husband, or not to be + perfectly convinced that her attractions entitled her to + entertain such an expectation. The only difficulty which + suggested itself, was the mode of introduction. Two heads + are better than one, and our hero called in a friend, to + whom he unfolded his scheme, and whose advice and assistance + he immediately bespoke. The friend had no scruples on the + subject, and at once became a partner in the plot. Means + were found to overcome the first impediment, and behold our + two gentlemen in the presence of the fair object of their + attack. The principal was immediately introduced as the + son of Sir George ——, a highly respectable Baronet of the + same name, but of a very different character. His manners + were chastened for the occasion, his appearance fashionable, + and his address distinguished by a warmth which the + acknowledged purpose of his visit, that of soliciting the + honor of being permitted to pay his addresses, in some + measure justified. The lady was not displeased: to all + appearance the connexion, which was thus offered to her was + most nattering; the son of a baronet, and one especially who + had expressed himself in a most disinterested manner, was + not to be dismissed without due deliberation; she, + therefore, with becoming frankness, consented to grant + another interview on the ensuing day. The friends were + punctual to the time appointed, and came in the carriage + (<i>pro tempore</i>) of the suitor. They were shown into the + drawing-room, and the conversation was mutually pleasing. At + length our hero proposed to the lady to take a short airing + in his carriage. At first she exhibited the usual coyness at + such an invitation from one, to whom she was almost a + stranger; but was ultimately bantered into a consent, and + accordingly dressed for a ride. Having taken her seat + between the two gentlemen, they engaged her on such topics + as they thought most amusing, and the time passed so + agreeably that she scarce knew where she was going, till she + had arrived at Barnet, on the north road. They stopped at + one of the principal inns, and alighting, a slight cold + repast was ordered. The convenient friend shortly after + quitted the apartment to look to the horses, and the <i>soi- + disant</i> son of the Baronet instantly commenced an + assault upon the lady's heart, which it would seem, was but + too well received. He protested that he had long sighed at a + distance, without having the courage to confess his flame; + and, in short, that he could not exist unless she became + his. The lady, whatever might be the feelings of her heart, + laughed at the warmth of his declarations. This only induced + him to become more impetuous; and at last, as a proof of his + sincerity, he proposed, as they were so far on the north + road, that they should order four horses, and set off at + once to Gretna Green. This produced additional merri-ment on + the part of the lady, which, as there was no specific + refusal, was taken for consent; and on the return of the + friend, he received a wink, which instructed him in the + course he was to pursue, and in a moment, four horses were + clapped to the travelling chariot in which they had arrived. + The lady was shortly afterwards handed to her seat, and, + accompanied as before, was whirled off with the utmost + velocity. She had gone thirty miles of the road, however, + before she believed that her lover was really serious. On + alighting at the end of the third stage, reflection came to + her aid, and she began to repent of having suffered herself + to be prevailed on to consent so far to what she still + pretended to believe was but a joke. On our hero quitting + the coom, she represented to his friend the utter + impossibility of proceeding further, and entreated that he + would take means to have her re-conducted to town. The + friend, however, who was too much interested in the success + of a plot so well commenced, endeavoured to dissuade her, by + every argument of which he was master, to go on; but she + positively refused; when, as the last resource, he + determined to work on her fears, and accordingly told her, + that Mr.—— had long spoken of her, in terms of impatient + rapture; that he was a man, unhappily, of a most passionate + temper, and that he had vowed, sooner than he would go back + to London without making her his wife, he would blow out his + brains, for which purpose he was provided with a brace of + pistols, then in his pocket, and double loaded. To this was + added the still more persuasive observation, that he was a + gentleman of family and fortune and figure, to whom no + rational objection could be taken by any woman whose heart + had not been previously engaged. The result was, that the + unfortunate woman, half consenting, half relenting, agreed + to go forward, and on they drove till they arrived full + speed at Gretna Bridge, in Yorkshire. Here a new difficulty + arose; our hero had exhausted his purse, and had not a + shilling left to enable him to complete his journey; his + good genius, however, had not deserted him, and, with that + effrontery for which he is distinguished, he called the + landlord into a private room, told him he was on his way to + Gretna Green with an heiress, again described himself to be + the son of a baronet, and finally requested him to give cash + for a cheque which he proposed drawing on a respectable + banking-house in town, (where, by the bye, he happened to + have no account.) The cause he assigned for his distress was + the suddenness of his flight from town. His appeal + proved successful, and he was furnished with the means of + completing his journey. Again the trio resumed their course, + and in the end reached the quarters of the celebrated + Blacksmith, who was immediately summoned to their presence. + Here another impediment threw them into fresh alarm; the + Blacksmith seeing the style in which they had arrived, and + judging from that circumstance that they were persons of no + mean consequence, refused to rivet their chains under a + douceur of One hundred pounds. This sum it was impossible, + at so short a notice, they could raise; and their hopes + would have been altogether frustrated, had not the eloquence + of our hero once more proved successful. He explained to the + venerable priest that their finances were but slender; and + having assured him of that fact, he induced him to accept of + Five pounds down, and a note of hand for Fifty pounds more. + The Gordian knot was then tied, and Mr. and Mrs.—— + having received the congratulations of their friend, who + witnessed the ceremony, returned to Gretna Bridge; where + they agreed to wait a few days, until a remittance for which + the lady, under some plausible excuse, was induced to draw, + had arrived. The necessary sum at length reached their + hands; the bill was dis-charged; the cheque upon which the + cash had been previously advanced, redeemed; and the party + pursued their journey back to the metropolis. + + On reaching London, the marriage ceremony was repeated in a + more formal manner, and thus all question of the validity of + the union was set at rest. Our hero had now to render + available the funds of his Lady; and in a morning <i>tete-a- + tete</i> requested some information as to the state of her + fortune? It was a subject, he said, of no great importance + in his estimation, but still he wished to know what she had? + The Lady candidly told him that all she had under her own + control, was £1,100 in the 5 per Cents, and a bond of her + brother's for £2,500 payable on demand. On the very same + day, the disinterested husband was found soliciting several + brokers in the city, to sell out the stock which his wife + had described, but they all declined, unless the lady were + present. This was an objection easily got over; he returned + to his wife, and having assigned some feasible reason for an + immediate want of ready cash, induced her to accompany him + to the market, where the value of the stock was soon + transferred into his pocket. + + The friends of the lady had by this time been apprised of + her marriage, and naturally felt anxious to ascertain the + character of the connexion which she had formed. She, of + course, repeated the story told her by her "Lord and + Master;" but inquiry having been made as to its truth, it + was found to be fictitious in all its main features. Her + husband, although of the same name, was not the son of Sir + George, nor was he at all connected with that family; and in + addition to this, it was ascertained that he was, as we have + already described him to be, a gentleman "much better known + than trusted." It is needless to say that the feelings of + the lady were greatly agitated at these discoveries, and she + did not hesitate to upbraid her husband with his deceitful + conduct. His sensibility, however, was not to be excited + on such an occasion; he coolly told her he knew all she + could say on that subject without putting her to any further + trouble; and, in fine, confirmed all that she had heard to + his prejudice. She had taken him "for better for worse," + and she must make the best of a bad bargain. The brother + of the lady now interfered; he had an interview with her + husband, and could not suppress the indignation which he + felt in his presence. Our hero had too long been accustomed + to the reverses of the sporting world to be easily ruffled; + he preserved his temper with admirable presence of mind, and + having heard the enraged brother to a conclusion, at last + very coolly replied, that "all he had said might be very + true, but that did not alter the fact that his sister was + his lawful wife; and further, that, as her husband, he held + a bond of his (the brother's) for £'2,500, payable on + demand, and of which he requested immediate payment as he + was short of "the ready." The cold-blooded gravity with + which this demand was made, incensed the brother still + more, and he gave vent to the feelings which were excited in + his breast. Our hero was in no respect thrown off his + guard, and at last, after having heard that the brother, as + well as the lady, whose eyes were now open to his real + character, would be glad to get rid of him on any terms; he + proposed to "do the thing," what he called "handsomely," and + with very little qualification suggested, that in order to + settle the business "amicably," he had no objection to give + up his wife and her brother's bond for £1,000 in addition to + the £1,000 he had already received. Unprincipled as this + offer was, the brother, upon reflection, felt that he was + "in the jaws of the lion," and therefore, after consultation + with his sister, who was but too happy in escaping from such + a companion, he agreed to the terms proposed. The £1,000 + was paid, the bond returned, and a separation mutually + agreed upon without further delay, to the infinite + satisfaction of our hero, who tells the adventure among his + friends with extra-ordinary glee, taking no small credit to + himself for its happy issue. We have suppressed the names of + the parties, for obvious reasons; there are those by whom + they will be immediately recognised. We wish, however, + not to give unnecessary pain to the individuals really + injured; and have only to hope the facts we have detailed + may operate as a sufficient caution to others who may be + placed in similar situations in future. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[135]</span> Sir Felix O'Grady was all a-gog to + learn from the postillions the names of the party, but nothing + satisfactory could be elicited. + </p> + <p> + Our trio now directed their progress along Holborn, in which route they + had advanced but a few minutes when their attention was arrested by a + concourse of people assembled at the door of a Linen-draper, who it seems + had detected a thief in the person of a pregnant woman. This information + excited the sympathy of our three friends, and they accordingly entered + the Shop. Tallyho entreated of the Linen-draper, that he would be merciful + to the unfortunate woman, in consideration of her being so far in a family + way. + </p> + <p> + "And yet, sir," answered the Shopkeeper, "I fancy we shall be able to + relieve the lady without the assistance of a midwife." The woman was then + taken into a back room and searched by two of her own sex. The result + <span class="pagenum">[136]</span>of this investigation was soon made + known.—The pregnancy was assumed, the better to evade suspicion; her + under garments were completely lined with hooks, to which were suspended, + in vast variety, articles of stolen property, including not only those of + light weight, viz. handkerchiefs, shawls, stockings, &c. but several + of less portable description, amongst which were two pieces of Irish + linen. These articles she had conveyed through an aperture in her upper + habiliment of sufficient dimensions to admit an easy access to the general + repository. The ingenuity of this invention created much surprise, and as + it greatly facilitated concealment and evaded detection, there is no doubt + of its having frequently produced a rich harvest. This female adept was + now committed to the charge of an officer, the Shopkeeper having + identified upon her person several articles of stolen property. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0009" id="link32HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Ladies,—the chariot waits;—the toilet now + Where erst so many hours were idly spent, + Asks of its wonted due the tythe alone;— + Braid then your tresses of luxuriant now, + And wrap your forms angelic in the dress + Simple, yet rich and elegant, that gives + Your matchless beauties half revealed to view; + The broad capacious bosom's luscious swell, + Still heaving strong, and suing to be prest;— + Grace then the vehicle.—We, observers + Of Real Life, the while, in London go + To "catch the living manners as they rise, + "And give the age its very form and pressure." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[137]</span> CONTINUING their route down Holborn, + the adventure in the Linen-draper's shop became the theme of conversation.—"It + is not alone," said Dashall, "to the lower orders and necessitous that + this system of Shop-lifting is confined; many recent instances have + occurred of similar depredation, by women above the mediocrity of rank, + who, however, frequently contrive to compromise prosecution, while the + delinquent of poverty is visited by the utmost rigor of the law!—Of + the two, certainly the thief from habit is more culpable than the thief + from necessity." + </p> + <p> + Sir Felix and the Squire entirely agreed with their friend in opinion.—"Shop-lifters," + continued Dashall, "are as pernicious to the trading part of the community + as any of the cheats of London; there is not, on a moderate calculation, + less than 5000 of these artful thieves in the metropolis, and the + prejudice they do to the industrious tradesman is incalculable." + </p> + <p> + "By the powers of safety, then," exclaimed the baronet "the honest dealer + should consider every stranger a thief until further acquaintance." + </p> + <p> + "Not exactly so; however, it is necessary that the London tradesman should + be upon his guard, and keep <span class="pagenum">[138]</span> a sharp + look out upon his customers, not knowing, by their appearance, whether + they are honest or otherwise."{1} + </p> + <p> + Turning from Holborn into Chancery Lane, our pedestrians were encountered + by a very handsome chariot, in which were two elegantly dressed and + beautiful women, who, ordering the carriage to stop, saluted Dashall and + the Squire in the most fascinating terms of friendly recognition. + </p> + <p> + "Your Ladyships render me," said Dashall, "infinite happiness; this is a + most unexpected pleasure!" + </p> + <p> + "You are a gallant cavalier," observed one of the lovely inmates, "another + gentleman would probably have used the word honor instead of happiness, + but you are fertile in felicitous expression." + </p> + <p> + "Not more felicitous than appropriate; but whither away, my fair + captivators?" + </p> + <p> + "We are on a shopping expedition," replied one of the ladies, "you and + your friend of Belville-hall, are observers of Life in London generally;—ours + is a mere circumscribed sphere of action; we go to view Life in a Mercer's + shop.—When the Squire and you are not more pleasantly engaged, give + us a call, and perhaps we may grant you the honor of an interview.—We + would ask the Unknown," said she, in a whisper, "who is he?" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A thief from habit.—Not long since, there existed in + the fashionable world, a female of rank and property, who + was an habitual, expert, and incorrigible thief.—She would + frequently sally forth in her carriage, and alighting at the + doors of perhaps, half a dozen different tradesmen, rummage + over their goods, without mak-ing a purchase, and embrace + the opportunity of purloining any portable article that lay + in her way. Those tradesmen to whom her thieving + propensities were known, used to watch, carefully, her + manoeuvres, let her walk off with the spoil, and then send a + bill of depredation, which she uniformly, and without + hesitation, dis-charged. This unfortunate woman was one + morning detected in the shop of a Mercer to whom she was a + stranger, in the act of pilfering some article of value. He + was about to detain her, when she burst into an agony of + tears, acknowledged, and lamented deeply, the irresistible + infatuation under which she acted, disclosed her rank and + family, and the compassionate mercer suffered her to depart. + + At another time, being one of a card-party, a gold snuff-box + vanished from the table. Every person present denied any + knowledge of it;—"Madam, you are mistaken," said one of the + company, "you have got the snuff-box in your pocket."—"How + very <i>absent</i> I am!"exclaimed our heroine, producing the + box.—"And I beg that you will continue absent!" said the + lady of the mansion. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[139]</span> "Sir Felix O'Grady, Madam," answered + Dashall, "an Irish baronet, of recent acquaintance; like every other + gentleman of the Emerald Isle, combining, with characteristic + eccentricity, a sound head and a warm heart." + </p> + <p> + "Then, of all things, bring him with you." "So," waving gracefully her + hand, "adieu!" the trio responded, by respectfully raising their hats, "<i>Allons + donc</i>," she exclaimed, and the carriage drove off. + </p> + <p> + "There go," exclaimed Dashall, "two of the most lovely and accomplished + women in London, and perhaps the least tinctured with fashionable folly." + </p> + <p> + "With the exception," observed the Squire, "of shopping, that is, I + presume, making the morning tour of tradesmen's shops, tumbling over their + goods, giving them every possible trouble, and ultimately making no + purchase."{1} + </p> + <p> + Dashall admitted the correctness of the Squire's observation, as generally + applicable, but claimed an exemption for the ladies in question. + </p> + <p> + On the left, proceeding down Chancery Lane, Dashall pointed to a + respectable house as the occasional residence of a lady in the first class + of literature, whose writings have given universal satisfaction, and will + continue to be read with increased avidity, as conveying the most + admirable lessons of morality, told in a manner alike impressive and + pathetic;—Mrs. Op*e; the widow of the late celebrated artist. This + excellent woman is endeared to the circle of her numerous acquaintance by + a pre-eminent + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Tallyho had improved in his knowledge of Real Life in + London.—His definition of Shopping was perfectly correct. + + One of those fashionable female idlers, who delight in + occupying the time, and exercising the patience of the + industrious, alighted, a short time since, at the shop of a + tradesman in Ludgate-street, and after a couple of hours + spent in examining and re-examining a variety of rich silks, + made her election at last, and desired the mercer to cut her + off a shilling's worth, throwing, at the same time, the + money on the counter. The tradesman, with perfect coolness, + took up the piece of coin, laid it on a corner of the silk, + circum-scribed it with his scissors, and presented the part + so cut out to the lady, as the shilling's worth required. We + feel pleasure in recording the result. The lady admired the + mercer's equanimity of temper, laughed heartily at his + manner of illustrating it, and in atonement for trouble + given and patience exemplified, became, and still continues, + one of his most valued customers. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[140]</span> suavity of disposition, blended with + superior mental endowments; to the unfortunate by her benevolent heart, to + which the appeal of distress is never made in vain; and to the public + generally, by her invaluable works, the uniform tendency of which is the + advancement of virtue and the inculcation of the benign feelings of + humanity.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 To the admirers of Mrs. Op*e, the following lines, never + before published, will not prove unacceptable. + + TRIBUTE OF RESPECT. + O Thou of matchless power to raise + And bend the Passions to thy sway I— + Whose pen with magic force portrays, + Whose spell the shadowy forms obey. + Of Joy and Grief, of Hope and Fear, + And wiles from Apathy a tear,— + Enchantress! take the duteous lays + To Worth that Admiration pays. + + To thee, as to thy Op*e, given + On Immortality a claim; + His virtues pass'd from Earth to Heaven, + Yet still exist in deathless fame;— + His pencil to thy pen assign'd + To charm, instruct, and grace mankind!— + And Oh! could but my humble strains + To thy impressive skill aspire, + The Muse that faintly now sustains + Thy worth, would make poetic fire, + And glowing high, with fervid name, + Would graft her honors on thy name.— + + But ah! bereft of every stay, + From Hope exil'd, with Woe I keep + My vigils, each sad sorrowing day, + And wake, each dreary night, to weep!— + By Penury chill'd poetic powers, + No voice to soothe, no hand to save, + And snatch a victim from the grave,— + Around me Desolation lours, + And glaring, midst the deep'ning gloom, + Despair and Famine urge me to the tomb! + + If, all unmeet, my humble strain + Is destin'd still to flow in vain;— + Shouldst thou the tribute now refuse + Essayed by Misery and the Muse; + Reject not yet the lay with scorn, + To thee by kindred feelings borne;— + For still thy tales of plaintive tone + Breathe pain and sufferings, like mine own. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[141]</span> Facing the entrance to the Royal Wax + Works, Sir Felix made a full stop;—"That fellow," said he, alluding + to the whole length figure of the Centinel, "stands as motionless as a + statue; by the powers, but half-a-dozen peep-o-day boys in his rear would + be after putting life and mettle in his heels!—Shoulder and carry + your arms, you spalpeen; and is this the way that you show the position of + a soldier?" at same time enforcing his admonition with a smart stroke of + his cane over the arm of the inanimated military representative. The + attendant, a young man in the costume of the Yeomen of the Guards, + remonstrated; Dashall and Tallyho laughed most immoderately; and the + baronet, equally enjoying the joke, persisted in affecting to believe, + that he was addressing himself to a living object, greatly to the + amusement of the now congregating street passengers. + </p> + <p> + "Begging your pardon, ray jewel," continued Sir Felix, "long life and good + luck to you, in your stationary quarters, and may His Majesty never find a + more active enemy than yourself!—By the soul of my grandmother, it + would be well for poor Ireland, who has taken leave of her senses, if her + bog-trotting marauders were as peaceably inclined as you are.—Fait + and troth, but you're a fine looking lad after all, and with the + assistance of your master, and a touch of Prometheus, we might raise a + regiment of braver fellows than the King's Guards, without bounty or beat + of drum, in the twinkling of an eye, honey; but with your leave, and + saving yourself unnecessary trouble, we'll be after paying a visit to the + company above stairs; "and the party proceeded to the exhibition room.— + </p> + <p> + Here were representatives of the living and mementos of the dead! Kings + and Queens, Princes and Princesses, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Ah! cease the sad resemblance here!— + Thee, then, to every feeling dear + Of tender sympathy,—thy way + Illumin'd to life's remotest day. + In bliss, in worth, in talent shine, + Though pain, and want unsuccour'd, mine! + Adorning this terrestrial sphere, + Be long an Op*e's talents given; + And Virtue consecrate the tear + When call'd to join her native Heaven! + + A. K. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[142]</span> warriors, statesmen, poets, and + philosophers, in social communion: not forgetting the lady who had three + hundred and sixty-five children at a birth!!{1} + </p> + <p> + The baronet made many congees to the great and inferior personages by whom + he was surrounded, admired the heterogeneity of the group, and regretted + that their imperfect creation precluded the possibility of converse. + </p> + <p> + One of the figures, by an unobserved excitement of the attendant, now + inclined its head to Sir Felix, who, nothing daunted, immediately assumed + the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, and exclaimed, + </p> + <p> + "Nay, if thou canst nod, speak too! if our graves And charnel houses give + those we bury back, Our monuments shall be the maws of kites." + </p> + <p> + The company present pronounced the baronet a player, and a lady, to whom + the manly and athletic form of the supposed tragedian had given apparent + pleasure, assured him she had never heard the passage more impressively + delivered, and that certainly, in the character of the Scottish Usurper, + there was no doubt of his becoming to Mr. Kran a very formidable rival! + </p> + <p> + Sir Felix sustained his part admirably, expressing his high acknowledgment + of the lady's favorable opinion; but the enquiry when and in which + theatre, he meant to make his first appearance, had so nearly deranged his + gravity and that of his two friends, as to induce them to hasten their + retreat. + </p> + <p> + Dashall and Tallyho congratulated the baronet on his promising dramatic + talent, and advised him still further to court the favors of the tragic + Muse. + </p> + <p> + "May the devil burn the tragic Muse!" he exclaimed; + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Thus runs the legend.— + + A lady in former times, who, it seems, like some of our + modern visionaries, was an enemy to superabundant + population, and would have restricted the procreation of + children to those only who could maintain them; was applied + to for alms by a poor woman, with no less than five little + famishing urchins in her train. The haughty dame not only + refused to relieve the unfortunate mendicant, but poured + upon her a torrent of abuse, adding that she had no right to + put herself in the way of having children whom she could not + support.—The woman dropped on her knees, and prayed "that + the lady might have as many children at one birth as there + were days in the year!" and so, (as the legend runs,) it + actually happened! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[143]</span> "Arrah, give me the favors of that + sweet pretty crature, the comical Muse at the Wax-works, who took me for a + player,—Och! the fascination of her smile and the witchery of her + eye before all the Muses that ever fuddled the brain of a garreteer!" + </p> + <p> + "Why baronet," said the Squire, "you are love-struck,—deeply + lurched,—taken in by the knowing one!" + </p> + <p> + "Taken in, that is as it may hereafter happen, but an Irishman, my jewel, + is never so desperately in love with one girl but he can spare a bit of + affection for another. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Sure love is the soul of a nate Irishman, + He loves all that's lovely, loves all that he can + With his sprig of shilleleagh and shamrock so green."— +</pre> + <p> + The three friends had now rounded the corner at the bottom of + Fleet-street, in the direction of Blackfriars, when Dashall claimed the + attention of his associates.— + </p> + <p> + "This is the domicil," said he, "of the patriotic Alderman, who, during so + many years has uniformly and ably opposed the civic hirelings of + Corruption, advocated the cause of Freedom, and acquired the well-earned + meed of high estimation by all the respectable and independent portion of + his fellow-citizens. + </p> + <p> + "Firm in principle, and resolute in difficulty, the conscientious + discharge of his duty has ever been his prominent object. But perhaps in + no instance has he so greatly endeared himself to humanity, than in that + of the long protracted inquest on the bodies of the two unfortunate men, + Honey and Francis, the victims of military outrage; his constant + attendance and indefatigable exertions on that occasion, were the means of + eliciting many particulars which otherways might not have been known, and + which ultimately led the Jury to record the atrociousness of the crime by + the several verdicts of murder and manslaughter. + </p> + <p> + "Again, on the memorable day of the funeral of these two immolated men, + Mr. W. in his capacity of Sheriff, supported with becoming dignity, his + high station, and undaunted amidst imminent danger, enforced obedience + even from the military, and saved the effusion of human blood." + </p> + <p> + London exhibits, daily, a series of depravity perhaps unparalleled in any + other part of the British Empire.— + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[144]</span> Dashall had just finished his eulogium + on the worthy Alderman, in which his friends heartily coincided, when the + attention of the triumvirate was attracted by the appalling appearance of + five men rivetted together, and conducted along the street by officers of + justice. Tallyho enquired into the nature of their crimes, and was + informed that they were in custody under suspicion of house-breaking in + the night-time, and that two of them, particularly, had been taken in the + house which they had plundered, regaling themselves, in perfect ease, with + cold meat, wine, and liquors, and the stolen property tied up in a bag, + with which, on the moment of alarm, they attempted an escape, but were + intercepted in their retreat, and taken in charge by the officers after a + desperate resistance, in which shots and hurts were received both by the + victors and the vanquished. It is almost beyond belief, that men engaged + in an enterprise wherein ignominious death awaits discovery, would sit + down to regale themselves after having secured their booty, with as much + composure, as if in their own homes; yet so it is; such is the daring + callousness of mind attached to long confirmed and successful habits of + guilt.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Police. Mansion House.—William Johnson was charged by Mr. + Miller of Lower Thames Street, on suspicion of having com- + mitted a robbery on Thursday night, under circumstances of + rather an extraordinary kind.. Mr. Miller's evidence was to + the following effect. He has a cut glass and earthenware + warehouse in Thames Street, but does not reside there. Upon + visiting his warehouse yesterday morning, he found that + thieves had been very busy upon the concern the night + before. They did not get much, but while they were in the + house they enjoyed themselves. They lighted a fire, and paid + a visit to the wine-cellar, from which they took two bottles + of wine and three bottles of perry, which it seemed they + drank warm with sugar, and Mr. Miller received a very polite + letter from one of them, acknowledging the obligations they + were under to him for the excellent beverage his cellar + afforded. Upon examining other parts of the premises. Mr. + Miller found that his iron chest had been forced open. The + instrument (a large chissel) with which this feat was + performed was lying on the premises, and a dark lanthorn, + which the thieves had forgotten, was also picked up in the + course of the search. The petty cash drawers of the iron + chest lay open empty, but Mr. Miller believed there had been + in them when he left the Warehouse, a sum perhaps not + exceeding a couple of pounds. The bills and papers were not + taken away, neither had any thing been removed that was + likely to be recovered. Some silver cruet-tops were taken, + but the cruets were left behind. The chissel, which, + though very strong, had been broken in the effort to open + the chest, was of the largest size. All the rooms of the + building, except those in front, had been visited by the + depredators, and there were various circumstances concurring + to fix a very strong suspicion on the prisoner, besides the + probability that he was the writer of the letter "of thanks" + to Mr. Miller for the entertainment afforded. The letter, + which was written in a good hand, began with the word + "Gemmen," and stated that they (the writer and his friends) + had called, regretted that there was no "<i>wassel in the + lob</i>," (money in the chest) but expressed the highest + opinion of the wine, begged pardon for disturbing the + papers, and expressed how happy those who drank the wine + would be to visit the premises upon a future occasion! The + prisoner was remanded. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[145]</span> It sometimes happens that even juvenile + depredators who have imbibed a propensity for liquor, have been caught in + the snare thus laid by themselves. Of this fact Dashall gave the following + very curious illustration.—"A few evenings ago," said he, "the + family of my next door neighbour retired to rest, leaving every thing, as + they imagined, in a state of perfect security. On the servant however, + coming down stairs in the morning, he was surprised to find a new and + unexpected inmate, fast asleep in the kitchen, a quantity of plate packed + up lay by his side, and before him were a bottle of brandy and another of + wine. He was a lad not more than sixteen years of age, who had ingeniously + contrived, in the nighttime, to get access to the house, and having + secured his spoil, had resorted to the pantry and wine-cellar for + refreshment. Of the stores from the latter receptacle, he had partaken so + liberally that he was thrown into a deep slumber, from which he was roused + by the unwelcome voice of the Officer who had been sent for to take him + into custody." + </p> + <p> + Our perambulators had now passed along the bridge, and advanced a short + distance on Blackfriar's road, when they observed a spacious travelling + caravan, stationary by the side of the high way, intimating that there was + to be seen within, the great northern bear, known by the name of "Autocrat + of All the Russias," while a fellow with a speaking tube invited in the + most alluring terms of itinerant oratory, the gaping multitude to walk in,—"Walk + in, ladies and gentlemen, and behold this most wonderous of all wonders + that ever was wondered at in this wonderful world,—the <i>Ursa major</i>,—that + gives its name to one of the constellations, and was taken by a <i>ruse de + guerre</i> in one of the hitherto undiscovered deserts of the remotest + Siberia! This stupendous animal was sent from these unknown regions as a + present to a certain great personage in this country, who having a + superabundancy of native bears already prowling about him, was pleased to + order the dismission of this northern stranger, without a pension; and + thus it came into the possession of its present exhibiter!" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[146]</span> This irresistible invitation was + accepted by several of the auditory, including the baronet, Dashall, and + the Squire, who were gratified beyond their anticipations, with a sight of + the great polar bear, the desolate inhabitant of a frigid and dismal + clime, where Nature has forbid the vegetative, and stinted the growth of + the animal creation, with the exception of the shaggy wanderer of the + desert and the floundering leviathan of the ocean. The animal was + perfectly tractable; and its exhibition well compensated both for time and + gratuity. + </p> + <p> + The proprietor, however, in answer to an enquiry apart by Dashall, + acknowledged that his Ursine companion had never been attached to the + household of any great personage; although a northern quadruped of lesser + interest was under the protection of one of the Royal Dukes and frequently + played its mischievous gambols in the environs of Kensington Palace.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The Bear at Kensington Palace. Early on Sunday morn-ing it + was discovered, that a large black bear, sent as a present + to His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex, had contrived to + break out of his cage, which was placed in a coach-house, + and Bruin, having an inclination to explore these premises, + containing a hand-some new chariot, mounted the foot-board, + and began to play with the tassels; he next ascended the + roof and the box, the covering of which became a prey to his + claws; after enjoying himself as an outside passenger, as + long as he thought proper, he proceeded to examine the + interior of the vehicle, and turning from the box, made his + entre through the front windows into the carriage, which + bore serious marks of his savage curiosity. No one dared to + approach this northern visitor, and in order to prevent + further depredations in his probable rambles, guards were + placed, with fixed bayonets, until some keepers arrived from + a Menagerie, who secured him, after great difficulty, in one + of their strong cages. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0010" id="link32HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Oh the dear pleasures of the velvet plain, + The painted Tablets, deal't and deal't again + Cards, with what rapture, and the polish'd die + The yawning chasm of indolence supply. + Then to the Dance and make the sober moon + Witness of joys that shun the sight of noon. + Blame cynic if you can, quadrille or ball, + The snug close party, or the splendid hall, + "Where night down stooping from her ebon throne + Views constellations brighter than her own. + 'Tis innocent and harmless, and refined, + The balm of care, elysium of the mind." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[147]</span> THE rapid succession of novelty in a + Life in London where the scenes like those of a Pantomime are constantly + changing + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "From grave to gay, from lively to severe," +</pre> + <p> + scarcely required those attentions which the Hon. Tom Dashall continued to + enjoy on the score of arrangements for the gratification and information + of his cousin. He was ever watchful of opportunities to furnish new views + of Real Life and character to Tallyho, and who never failed to profit by + his observations upon Men and manners: for Tom, notwithstanding the gaiety + of his disposition, was an acute and discerning companion, who having + mingled in all ranks and degrees of Society, was able to associate himself + with the high or the low, as circumstances might require, and to form + tolerably accurate estimates of those by whom he was surrounded. + </p> + <p> + It was, therefore, with his usual view to the accomplishment of his cousin + as a votary of Real Life in London, that he had proposed a visit to a + fancy dress Ball at Almack's, and preparations had accordingly been made + between them. + </p> + <p> + "A Fancy dress Ball," said Tom, in order to give his cousin an idea of the + entertainment he was to partake, "bears some similitude to a Masquerade, + with two important exceptions: first, Masks are not general; and second, + <span class="pagenum">[148]</span> No practical Jokes are expected or + admitted. Dress however, is left wholly to the taste or inclination of the + visitors, and the amusements consist principally of dancing and cards. The + Rooms are of the most splendid description, and the company generally of + the first order; combining all that is elegant and fashionable in what is + termed the higher ranks of society,—'Tis said + </p> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0005" id="link3image-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page148.jpg" alt="Page148 Almacks " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "If once to Almacks you belong, + Like monarchs you can do no wrong. + But banish'd thence on Wednesday night, + By Jove you can do nothing right. + I hear (perhaps the story false is,) + From Almacks, that he never waltzes + With Lady Anne or Lady Biddy, + Twirling till he's in Love, or giddy. + The girl a pigmy, he a giant, + His cravat stiff, her corset pliant. + There, while some jaded couple stops, + The rest go round like humming tops. + Each in the circle with its neighbour + Sharing alternate rest and labour; + While many a gentle chaperon + As the fair Dervises spin on, + Sighs with regret that she was courted, + Ere this new fashion was imported. + Ere the dull minuet step had vanished, . + With jigs and country scrapers banished. + + But —— whose energy relaxes + No more revolves upon his axis, + As sounds of cymbal and of drum + Deep clanging from the orch'tra come, + And round him moves in radiance bright + Some beauteous beaming sattelite. + Nor ventures as the night advances, + On a new partner in French dances, + Nor his high destiny fulfilling + Through all the mazes of quadrilling, + Holds, lest the figure should be hard + Close to his nose a printed card, + Which for their special use invented, + To beaus on entrance is presented. + A strange device one must allow, + But useful as it tells them how + To foot it in their proper places, + Much better than their partners faces. + + Mark how the married and the single, + In yon gay groupes delighted mingle: + Midst diamonds blazing, tapers beaming, + Midst Georges, Stars, and Crosses gleaming. + We gaze on beauty, catch the sound + Of music, and of mirth around. + And discord feels her empire ended + At Almacks—or at least suspended." +</pre> + <p> + "Zounds," said Dashall, "I am happy to see the Rooms so well attended this + evening, and particularly to find Mr. Maitland and his two lovely sisters. + Do you observe," continued he, "that Gentleman in Regimentals on the + opposite side?" + </p> + <p> + "I do, and is he in the Army?" enquired Bob "No," replied Tom, "that is + only an assumed character for the Evening, but I must introduce you to + them, though the Ladies are considered to be sharp shooters with their + eyes, therefore it will be necessary for you to be on your guard." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "I've heard that by a single glance + Strange witchery is sometimes done, + And only by a look askance, + Ladies have many a lover won." +</pre> + <p> + The elegant and tasteful illuminations of the Room, the sprightly sound of + the music by a well selected band, and the gay movements of the well + dressed circles, were attractive in the mind of Tallyho, and alternately + rivetted his attention, while his cousin was as frequently addressed and + congratulated by his friends. + </p> + <p> + "My Dear Tom," said Maitland, who was lounging round the Room with his two + sisters, and who seemed to consider himself the rose of the party by the + affected levity of a military character, "I am glad to see you—'pon + Honor—just going to make up a quadrille—know you are a good + dancer—list you in my Corps with Misa Maitland's permission—but + can't be denied 'pon Honor." + </p> + <p> + "That is very gallant, truly," replied a lovely and interesting girl, his + eldest sister. "With my permission, and yet he won't be denied." + </p> + <p> + "If Miss Maitland were to command," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "denial + were impossible, disobedience were disgrace and dishonor."—bowing + politely to the Ladies. + </p> + <p> + "Vastly pretty indeed Mr. Dashall, and to speak the truth I am very glad + to find you here; for you know my brother is but a nobody, except when he + shews himself off in Regimentals:" replied Miss Maitland. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[150]</span> "Aye, and we want somebody to talk to," + continued her sister. + </p> + <p> + "'Pon my word, this is strange ill usage," said Maitland.-"I shall + desert." + </p> + <p> + "Nay," said Tom, "there is no need of that: but if you do, the ladies + shall not be deserted while I have a hand at their service, and I believe + I may venture to offer additional protection on the part of my Cousin." + </p> + <p> + Bob nodded assent, and assured the party he was proud of the honor of the + introduction; while Maitland eyed him from top to toe, and was heartily + laughed at by his sisters, which not a little mortified him. + </p> + <p> + "If that's the case," said he, taking out his quizzing-glass, and staring + each of them in the face in succession, "why I've nothing more to say upon + it, so come along, I am anxious for a dance." The music just at the moment + striking off, a Quadrille was formed, but the younger sister having + declined dancing, Bob, who had no great inclination to "trip it on the + light fantastic toe," had a good opportunity of following her example, and + during the dance they amused themselves with observations on the dresses + and manners of the company before them, in the course of which he + discovered that Maitland was something of the fashionable insipid, and not + very high in the general estimation of the Ladies, and the contrast + between the easy and graceful movements of the Hon. Tom Dashall, with + those of Maitland braced up in military uniform, and dancing with the + stiffness of a Halbert, afforded them high amusement, it brought to + Tallyho's recollection a French Dancing Master in the country, who, upon + the occasion of his annual Ball, perceiving a gentleman and lady in person + and figure perfectly contrasted, the latter being short and stout, and the + former tall and thin, addressed the Gentleman in the following + complimentary stile, as well as his broken English would admit, "Ma dear + sare—bien obligé—ah! ma goot sare—you vill do me the + honneur to lead off de next dance—you do dance as de <i>Poker</i>, + and your Lady she do dance as de <i>Butter fierke</i>"—(meaning a + butter firkin.) The allusions were exactly in point, and the company + within hearing, did not suffer the sarcasm to escape unnoticed. How far + the observations were well timed by the dancing master, or well received + by the loving couple, is not our business here to enquire. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[151]</span> Miss Caroline Maitland was about 20 + years of age, of a most prepossessing and engaging form, fond of dress and + full of vivacity with no mean conception of her own wit or captivating + powers, her attire was elegant and shewy, almost approaching to the gaudy, + rather than the selection of refined Taste and Judgment. + </p> + <p> + Miss Amelia was about 19 with features calculated to make conquest certain + where the attack was not made on hearts of stone, the simple modesty of + her wardrobe seemed rather to indicate the thoughtful and contemplative + mind, rich in its own resources, and requiring no foil to render + conspicuous its real value, her auburn locks parted in the front, + discovered a fine well arched forehead, from under which darted glances + from her beautiful dark eyes, that when purposely directed for + observation, spoke volumes to the heart. Unadorned by the feathers which + waved in majestic splendor over the temples of her sister as she threaded + through the mazy windings of the dance, she attracted the attention of the + company in a much greater degree than the dress-delighted Caroline. Her + figure was neither well nor ill formed, but the open and animated + expression of her countenance, together with the graces of her mind, would + in the opinion of all judicious thinkers, have been considered as a + compensation for the absence of beautiful form. Her whole appearance + however, was not only pleasing, it was prepossessing, while her manners + and conversation were captivating. Bob gazed and admired, listened and was + charmed. + </p> + <p> + The Hon. Tom Dashall was at the same time fully occupied in his attentions + to the other sister, but could not occasionally help a sly glance at Bob, + indicative of the pleasure he derived from seeing his cousin thus engaged. + </p> + <p> + The Quadrille being over, "Come," said Col. Maitland, "we must go and have + a peep at the Card Tables, and enquire how the cash moves, for you know if + your aunt is losing her money, she will be as cross as the——" + </p> + <p> + "Silence Charles," said his sister, "remember you have no occasion to make + such observations here, why you might almost as well entertain us with a + pedigree of the family, as expose the tempers and dispositions of your + relations; besides I am sure the party alluded to would feel herself very + much offended to hear such conversation in a Ball room. It is neither a + fit time or place;"—and with <span class="pagenum">[152]</span> + this, each of his sisters seizing an arm, led him towards the Card Room, + alternately schooling him as they passed along, and leaving our Heroes to + draw their own conclusions from what had occurred. + </p> + <p> + "Thus it is," said Tom, "that a Commander in the field is obliged to be an + obedient in the Ball Room, he is however a very poor creature at the best + of times, and depends more upon the abilities of others than his own for + the appearance he makes in the world, and is rather to be looked at than + admired and esteemed. Here," continued he, "I shall have an opportunity of + introducing you to a character of another kind, here is my friend Dick + Distich, a logger of Rhyme, a poet and a contemplative philosopher, he is + recently married, but appears to be without his rib." + </p> + <p> + "My dear friend Dashall," exclaimed a tall thin man advancing and catching + him by the hand, "I am glad to see you, for I am bewildered and lost." + </p> + <p> + "Good," replied Tom, "then I am very glad to have found you, what is the + Reward—are you advertised—are your manuscripts stolen, or is + your Library on Fire? Has the good woman brought forth twins or + disappointed your hopes?" + </p> + <p> + "Walk this way," replied the other, "you are a happy fellow, always + gamesome and gay, but I know you have a fellow feeling for all mankind, + and will pour the balm of pity into a wounded heart." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," said Tom, "you attack a body with a mouthful of pity, and a + heart full of wounds at a strange time, for the introduction of such + subjects. What can you mean, probably you appear here as the knight of + 'the woeful countenance, with a determination to support the character to + the end of the chapter. Why you look as melancholy as a mute, and one + would almost fancy you were making a funeral visit, instead of attending a + Mask'd + </p> + <p> + "I have enough to make me so," was the reply, "I shall be brief in my + narrative, in order that I may not interfere with your enjoyments, and you + know that mine are of another kind. I am routed from home."— + </p> + <p> + "How do you mean?" + </p> + <p> + "Thus it is then, you know I am a plain man, a quiet man, a civil and + humble man. I hate Balls and Routs, but my wife and I differ in taste. She + has determined <span class="pagenum">[153]</span> on having a Rout at + home, and it proves no misnomer with me, for Heaven knows they rout me + from Study to Drawing Room, from Drawing Room to Chamber, and all because + truly my little woman must have her party." + </p> + <p> + "And why not?" enquired Tom. + </p> + <p> + "Why man for this reason, you must know I had myself the sweetest little + sanctuary in the world. I had gothicised my Study, its walls were painted + in imitation of oak, my books were arranged with the most unauthor-like + neatness, my prints hung, my casts and models all bracketed, and all have + vanished like the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + —baseless fabric of a vision." +</pre> + <p> + "And is this your misery," said Tom, "upon my soul I began to think you + had lost your wife; but it seems you have only lost your wits. What the + devil did you expect when you joined issue—to live as you have done + like a hermit in a cell? Well if this is all I do pity you indeed." + </p> + <p> + "But you have not heard half yet. The whole house is transformed." + </p> + <p> + "And I think you ought to be reformed," continued Tom. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding the lightness and satire with which our Hero appeared to + treat the subject, poor Distich was not to be stayed in his course. + </p> + <p> + "Ah!" said he, with a sigh, "In vain did Cicero strain his neck to peep + over Burke on the Sublime and Beautiful—Shakespeare beard Blair's + Sermons and Humphrey Glinkert or Milton's sightless balls gleam over Sir + Walter Scott's Epics—all, all, is chaos and misrule. Even my + greenhouse over my head which held three ci-devant pots of mignonette, one + decayed mirtle, a soi-disant geranium and other exotics, which are to + spring out afresh in the summer—my shrubs are clapped under my + couch, and my evergreens stuck over the kitchen fire place, are doomed to + this unpropitious hot-bed, in order to make room for pattens, clogs, + cloaks, and shawls, for all the old maids in Town." + </p> + <p> + Tom bit his lip to stifle a laugh, and treading lightly on the toe of his + cousin, had so strongly excited Tallyho's risibility, that it was with + difficulty he resisted the momentary impulse. + </p> + <p> + The routed Benedict continued—"Our Drawing Room, <span + class="pagenum">[154]</span>which conveniently holds ten persons, is to be + the black hole for thirty—My study, dear beloved retreat, where + sonnets have been composed and novels written—this spot which just + holds me and my cat, is to be the scene of bagatelle, commerce, or any + thing else that a parcel of giggling girls may chuse to act in it,—my + statues are converted—Diabolus is made to hold a spermaceti candle, + while the Medicean nymph, my Apollo Belvidere, and my dancing fawn, being + too bulky to move, are adorned with aprons of green silk, because forsooth + Betty says they are vastly undecent with nothing on them, and my wife is + quite certain "that no one will visit us, unless we do as other people + do." Alas! until the success of my last poem, we never cared about other + people, and I am now absolutely turned out, to make room for them, and + advised to come here to-night in order to prepare myself for the + approaching festivity." + </p> + <p> + Dashall was unable to contain himself longer, and Bob, who had been for + some time stuffing his white cambric handkerchief into his mouth, could no + longer resist the laugh he had been trying to avoid. They look'd + alternately at each other, and then at the doleful complainant, who with + unaltered features sat for a moment between his laughing companions, till + perceiving the ridiculous situation he was in, he rose from his seat and + hastily left the room. + </p> + <p> + Our friends then took a further survey of the company without making any + additional remark except upon the view of the various elegant and tasteful + dresses exhibited, the grace and agility of the dancers, and the + brilliance of the decorations, when supper was announced. + </p> + <p> + Moving onward to the Supper Room, they again encountered poor Distich, who + although he had no relish for the generality of the amusements, declared + he would not quit till he had supped: after which, Tom determined if + possible to drive away the blue devils, who seemed to have occupied his + brain. For this purpose he listened to his additional complaints, and + filling his glass at every pause, became lively and agreeable, as the + toast was circulated, till the invigorating effects of the bottle sunk him + again, and at length putting him into a hackney coach, they dispatched him + in good order to his Rib; after which they took their departure towards + Piccadilly.<span class="pagenum">[155]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0011" id="link32HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "I be one of they sailors who think 'tis no lie + That for every wherefore there should be a why, + That by fortune's strange weather a calm or a squall, + Our births, good or bad are chalk'd out for us all: + That the stays and the braces of Life will be found + To be some of 'em rotten, and some of 'em sound. + Thus the good we should cherish, the bad never seek, + For death will too soon bring each anchor apeak." +</pre> + <p> + IT was half past eleven o'clock before our friends approaching the + breakfast parlour, had an opportunity of congratulating each other on the + amusements of the previous evening, when the Hon. Tom Dashall ever upon + the active look-out for the most pleasureable amusements to occupy the + mind and attention of his cousin, observing it was a very tine morning, + proposed a ride to Greenwich, and with this object in view all being + prepared, it was not long before they were seated in the curricle. + </p> + <p> + "Greenwich," said Tom, "is not a very long journey, nor do I know, + speaking of the town itself, independent of its surrounding attractions, + particularly to be admired, though it is a neat town, about five miles + from London Bridge, in the county of Kent, with a market on Wednesdays and + Saturdays. It is however, famous for an hospital for decayed Seamen, the + brave defenders of their native soil, who have fought and bled for their + king and country; thought to be the finest structure of the kind in the + world, and for an observatory built by Charles II. on the summit of a + hill, called Flamstead Hill, from the great astronomer of that name, who + was here the first astronomer Royal: and we compute the longitude from the + meridian of this place. It is also a place of great resort at holiday + time, for being so near London. The Lads and Lasses move off in groups to + Greenwich fair, and the amusements at those times are of so varying a kind + as almost to defy description. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The hills and dales are lined + With pretty girls all round." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[156]</span>And there are but few who have had an + opportunity, but have occasionally enjoyed a roll down this hill. The + roads leading to the sporting spot are to be seen clogged with coaches, + carts, and waggons, decorated with laurel, and filled with company, + singing their way down or up to participate in the frolics of Greenwich + fair. It is however, much more celebrated for its once having been a Royal + Palace, in which Edward VI. died, and Queen Mary and Queen Elizabeth were + born. On a part of the site of it, now stands the house belonging to the + Ranger of the Park at Greenwich, also a College called the Duke of + Norfolk's College, for the maintenance of 20 decayed Housekeepers, and + another called Queen Elizabeth's, as well as a Royal Naval asylum for the + orphans of Sailors and Marines; and although we are going down when there + is no fair to attract multitudes to the spot, I can still promise you more + solid entertainment in a review of these truly splendid and useful + national establishments, besides which, the town affords plenty of good + accommodation for refreshment and comfort." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had passed Westminster Bridge on their road. Bob thanked + his cousin for the information he had imparted, but as the objects and + subjects directly under his eye generally engrossed his immediate + attention, he could not resist the impulse of the moment, as they turned + the corner of the asylum wall, to remark that he had witnessed in many + instances before, a practice which appeared in and about London, of + chalking the walls, and perceiving in large letters "Dr. Eady 32 Dean + Street Soho," enquired what was meant by it. + </p> + <p> + "That," replied his cousin, "is one of the most ingenious modes of + advertising, hit upon in the Metropolis, and the Doctor at all events + deserves credit for the industry and perseverance he has manifested in + making his name known. It is not altogether new, for it has been + successfully practiced in popular elections. Men are sent out at night to + chalk the names of Candidates on walls and other places, to keep their + interest alive; but in all probability no one has ever before carried the + system to so great a length as this Doctor Eady, for it is scarcely + possible to travel ten miles round the metropolis without meeting with his + name, which naturally excites enquiry into the object and pretensions of + the chalked up Hero. You will also find in many cases that the proprietor + of the Bonassus has <span class="pagenum">[157]</span>lately adopted the + same system. It is a species of puffing which can hardly fail of producing + notoriety, and I have before observed, it matters but little to the + parties themselves by what means this is produced save and except the + avoidance of expence." + </p> + <p> + "It is a curious scheme however," replied Bob, "and I have two or three + times before intended to enquire its meaning." + </p> + <p> + "There are numerous instances," returned Tom, "in which the eccentricities + of an individual have blown him into notice, and puff'd fortune into his + pocket. Packwood of Gracechurch street, had many whims and fancies, and + acted upon the idea, that when a man's name is once up, he may go to bed, + or take a nod elsewhere. By making razor strops and a certain paste for + sharpening razors, he pasted his name on public credulity, and pocketed + the proceeds. His advertisements were frequently laughable, and he caught + his customers in their risible moments, wisely taking care never to laugh + himself, 'till he had realized the possibles. I remember in the year 1807, + he published a book, price "Two good Tower shillings," containing his + advertisements, entitled "Packwood's whim, Packwoodiana, or the + Goldfinches nest, or the way to get money and be happy." And to make the + publication worth the money, and that there might be no grumbling, An half + crown was according to the title-page, placed between the leaves." + </p> + <p> + "That was no laughing matter, however," said Bob, "he could not have got + rich by such means." + </p> + <p> + "You must not trust the title-pages of books," replied Tom, "no more than + the advertisements of Quacks, or the looks of persons. The half crown was + not visible, or at least not tangible. It proved to be an anecdote related + in the work. He however managed to circulate many copies, and it is + generally understood, gained considerable money by his pursuits. He has + left the benefit of his invention to his daughter, who now lives in Bride + Lane, Fleet Street. But a more prominent character of recent times was the + late celebrated Martin Van Butchell, whose name and fame are well known to + Newspaper readers, and whose personal appearance at all times, excited in + London the attention of the spectators. He was rather a tall man with a + very long beard, and used to ride a short pony sometimes, spotted all over + with a variety of colours." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[158]</span> "He must have cut a curious figure," + said Bob, "certainly, but what building have we here?" + </p> + <p> + "That," replied his communicative cousin, "is The New Bethlem for the care + and cure of lunatics. Bethlem was formerly situated on the South side of + Moorfields, but as that building was hastening to decay, this elegant + receptacle for its inmates has been prepared. It is not a little curious + to remark, that it now occupies a part of that ground which was formerly + devoted to mirth and revelry, The Dog and Duck Tea Gardens, the scene of + many a frolic. The structure was designed by Mr. Lewis, and executed at an + expence of £95,000. It is 580 feet in length, and capable of receiving in + this front 200 patients. Another line of building extending to the South, + is designed to admit an equal number, as well as 60 lunatics, the charge + of which latter department, exclusively belongs to Government. The ground + around it, occupying twelve acres, is devoted to the exercise of the + patients." + </p> + <p> + They were now dashing along the road towards the Elephant and Castle, when + Bob was attracted by the appearance of the Philanthropic Chapel and + School, which his cousin dismissed in a few words, by observing it was the + school of reform, which he had alluded to, when last in the vicinity of + Blackfriars, and which deserved more attention than he could just then + give it. So touching up the tits in prime twig, they pushed on to the + originally proposed place of destination. + </p> + <p> + Having arrived at Greenwich, and partaken of some refreshment, our heroes + proceeded immediately to the Hospital; the magnificent appearance of which + had an evident effect upon Tallyho, as he gazed upon its exterior, and + some of its venerable inhabitants taking their peaceable walks before it, + while others were seated on accommodating benches, viewing the vessels + passing up and down the river. + </p> + <p> + "Why," said Bob, "this Hospital is more like a Palace." + </p> + <p> + "It is," replied Tom, "a noble monument of National gratitude to its + defenders, who deserve to be protected and assisted when disabled for + service. Here the lame, the wounded, and the aged, are enabled to spin out + the thread of a useful existence, in comfortable retirement. It was + founded by William and Mary for invalid seamen, and many an old Commodore + and gallant hardy Tar is <span class="pagenum">[159]</span> preserved in + this establishment, after being doused from his pins, to puff old sorrow + away and sing, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Yet still I am enabled + To bring up in life's rear, + Although I'm quite disabled + And lie in Greenwich tier. + The King, God bless his Majesty, + Who sav'd me from the main, + I'll praise with Love and Loyalty, + But ne'er to sea again." +</pre> + <p> + "You perceive," continued he, "that the costume of the place is a suit of + blue, with proper distinctions of rank and station allotted to each." + </p> + <p> + "But," inquired Bob, "some of them appear to have their coats turned + inside out; is that according to choice?"—"Not so," replied Tosi, + "that is a mark of disgrace, by way of punishment, for some errors or + improprieties of which they have been guilty; and there are some, in spite + of misfortune, who cannot forget former times, and occasionally verify the + words of the song— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "So in misfortune's school grown tough, + In this same sort of knowledge, + Thinking mayhap I'd had enough, + They sent me here to College. + + And here we tell old tales and smoke, + And laugh while we are drinking; + Sailors, you know, will have their joke, + E'en though the ship were sinking. + + For I while I get grog to drink + My wife, or friend, or King in, + 'Twill be no easy thing, I think, + D—— me to spoil my singing." +</pre> + <p> + And although used to severe discipline on board a ship, they do sometimes + forget what they are subject to here, and "slip the cable upon an ocean of + grog," grow dizzy over the binnacle, unship the rudder, lose their + calculations, and stand too far out to sea to reach the intended Port; but + more of this presently. You perceive this magnificent structure consists + of four grand buildings, completely separated from each other; yet forming + a very entire and most beautiful plan—especially viewed from the + river, which runs in the front of it. Here the comforts and <span + class="pagenum">[160]</span> conveniences of the hardy veterans, who have + faced the enemies of their country in many fearful encounters, are + studied, when they can no longer give the word of command, or answer it in + such active services. The four different buildings you now see, contain + accommodations for bed and board for about 2600 persons of different ranks + and stations; and you may perceive by those you have before you, that the + ranks they have formerly held in his Majesty's employ are still visible in + their outward habiliments." + </p> + <p> + They were now in the centre of the building, approaching the edge of the + Thames, on whose bosom were seen sundry small vessels, gliding in majestic + pride; and perceiving a seat capable of holding four or five persons, in + the corner of which sat an old weather-beaten tar, in a gold-laced hat and + coat, with a wooden leg, who was watching with apparent delight one of the + larger vessels, with all her sails set to catch the breeze; they took a + seat alongside of him. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "we may here at «ase survey the + exertions of such as still retain the power, and contemplate the comforts + of those who no longer have powers to exert." The Pensioner remained in + mute attention to the moving scene on the river, occasionally smiling and + squirting from his jaws the accumulating essence of his quid, seeming at + the same time to enjoy in retrospection scenes similar to what he had + formerly been engaged in, but without bestowing one look on our Heroes. + "There is a fine fresh breeze down the river," continued Tom, addressing + the wooden legged warrior; and then a pause ensued—but no reply. + </p> + <p> + "It is a beautiful situation for retirement in old age," said Bob. "I + should think, Sir," said he, "that you must be very comfortable under this + protecting roof," determined, if possible, to elicit something from the + hardy old Pensioner, approaching a little closer to him, and at the same + time to take his attention, respectfully moving his hat. + </p> + <p> + Tins address, however, was received with nearly the same effect as the + previous observations, except that the veteran moved his hat in return. + "He is a churlish old blade," said Tom; thinking by this remark to rouse + and animate the blood of their taciturn companion.—"There seems to + be no intelligence in him. Pray, Sir," continued he, "may I be so bold as + to inquire, laying his hand upon <span class="pagenum">[161]</span> his + knee, what is the name of that vessel on which you appear to bestow so + many anxious looks?" + </p> + <p> + Roused by the touch, he darted a hasty look at Tom, and then at Bob, + started hastily from his seat, held up his stick, as they supposed, in a + menacing attitude, then shouldering it, he marched, or rather hobbled, on + his wooden pin some paces from them, and, with an air of commanding + authority, returned in front of them, took off his hat, and began to + describe two lines on the gravel, but which was to them perfectly + unintelligible. + </p> + <p> + However, in a few minutes, the arrival of a younger Pensioner, with one + arm and a wooden stump, in breathless haste, informed them that the old + gentleman was deaf and dumb. + </p> + <p> + "God bless you, my worthy masters," said the interpreter, who first paid + his respects to the old Commodore, "you have started my revered commander + on his high ropes; he is as deaf as the top-lights, and as dumb as a + stantion: two and twenty years ago, your Honors, he and I were both + capsized together on board; the shot that took off his leg splintered my + arm, and the doctor kindly took it off for me afterwards." + </p> + <p> + "That was a lamentable day for you," said Tom. "Why aye, for the matter of + that there, d'ye see, it disabled us from sarvice, but then we both of us + had some consolation, for we have never been separated since: besides, we + were better off than poor Wattie the cook, who had his head taken off by a + chain-shot, and was made food for sharks, while we are enabled to stump + about the world with the use of our remaining limbs, and that there's a + comfort, you know." + </p> + <p> + During this introductory conversation, the old Commodore was intent upon + the work he had began, which, upon inquiry, was a sort of practical + description of the situation in which the ships were placed at the period + when he lost his limb. "He is now pouring in a broadside, and in + imagination enjoying a part of his life over again. It is a sorry sight, + my worthy Sirs, and yet upon the whole it is a cheerful one, to see an old + man live his time over again; now he is physicing them with + </p> + <p> + grape-shot—Bang—Bang—like hail—my eyes how she + took it—Go it again, my boys, said the old Commodore—Ditto + repeated, as the Doctor used to say. D——m the Doctor; the + words were scarcely out of his mouth, when down he <span class="pagenum">[162]</span> + went; and as I stood alongside him, ready to attend to his orders, I was + very near being sent down the hatchway stairs without assistance; for the + same shot that doused my old master, carried away my arm just here.—" + D——me," said the old man, to his brave crew, as they carried + us down to the cockpit—"I shall never forget it as long as I live—That + was a pepperer—Once more, my boys, and the day's your own.—My + eyes, he had hardly said the words, before—Bang, bang, went our bull + dogs—and sure enough it was all over. They cried Piccavi, and went + to the Doctor; but after that I know no more about the matter—we + were a long while before we got the better of our wounds; and as for him, + he has never spoken since—and as to hearing, I believe he never + wished to hear any more, than that the enemies of his country had got a + good drubbing." + </p> + <p> + By this time the old gentleman having gone through his manouvres, with + perhaps as much accuracy as my Uncle Toby did the siege of Dendermond—having + blown up the enemy with a flourish of his stick, made a profound bow, and + hobbled away.—"Thank you, my friend," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, + "for your information; we should never have understood him without your + assistance, for which accept of this, and our best wishes—giving him + a couple of half-crowns, with which, after thanking the donors, he made + the best of his way in search of the old Commodore, who put our heroes + forcibly in mind of the following lines: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "What a d——d bad time for a seaman to sculk, + Under gingerbread hatches on shore; + What a d——d hard job that this battered old hulk, + Can't be rigg'd out for sea once more." +</pre> + <p> + "Thus you see," said Dashall, "how our habits become rooted in us: the old + Commodore, though unable to give the word of command, or to hear the + thunder of the cannon, still lives in the midst of the battle, becomes + warmed and animated by the imaginary heat of the engagement, and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Thrice he routed all his foes, + And thrice he slew the slain." +</pre> + <p> + "But come, we will now proceed to a view of the Chapel, the Painted Hall, + and the other curiosities of the <span class="pagenum">[163]</span> + interior; which done, we will take our refreshment at the Crown, and + pursue our way home." + </p> + <p> + They now took another cursory survey of this magnificent pile of + buildings, the grandeur and effect of which is scarcely to be imagined; + the beauty and variety being heightened by the grand square, and the area + beyond terminating with a view of the Observatory, which stands on a hill + in Greenwich Park. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho was next delighted with a view of the Chapel, which is 111 feet + long, and 52 broad, and capable of conveniently accommodating 1000 + Pensioners, nurses, and boys, exclusive of pews for the Directors, the + several officers of the establishment, &c—The altar-piece, + painted by West, representing The escape of St. Paul from Shipwreck on the + Island of Malta, and the paintings between the cornice and the ceiling of + the Ascension, by the same artist, claimed particular attention. The + splendid decorations of the Great Hall, with its variety of paintings and + statues, were also objects of peculiar admiration, the effect of which + must be seen to be duly appreciated. After these gratifications, according + to the proposal of Dashall, they retired, to the Crown, where having + partaken of à good dinner, and a glass of wine, they returned to town, + fully satisfied with their excursion, and arrived in Piccadilly without + any occurrence worthy of further remark. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0012" id="link32HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And have you not heard of a jolly young Waterman, + At Blackfriar's Bridge who is used still to ply! + Who feathers his oars with such skill and dexterity. + + Winning each heart, and delighting each eye: + He looks So neat, and he rows so steadily, + The maidens all flock to his boat so readily, + And he eyes the young rogues with so charming an air + That this Waterman ne'er is in want of a fare. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[164]</span> IT was in one of those inviting + mornings, mild and temperate, that Dashall and Tallyho, lounged along + Piccadilly, observant of passing events, and anticipating those of more + interest which might occur in the course of another day devoted to the + investigation of Real Life in London. + </p> + <p> + The street already exhibited its usual bustle. The early coaches were + rattling along on their way to their respective inns, loaded with + passengers, inside and out, from the western parts of the country; the + ponderous waggon, the brewer's dray, and not less stunning din of the + lighter and more rapid vehicles, from the splendid chariot to the humble + tax-cart, combined to annoy the auricular organs of the contemplative + perambulator, and together with the incessant discord of the dust-bell, + accompanied by the hoarse stentorian voice of its athletic artist, induced + Squire Tallyho to accelerate his pace, in order to escape, as he said, + "this conspiration of villainous sounds," more dissonant than that of his + hounds at fault, and followed by his friend Dashall, slackened not his + speed, until he reached the quietude of the new street leading to the + King's Palace, in Pall Mall. + </p> + <p> + In Regent Place (at the extremity of this fine street) the two friends + paused in admiration of the noble pile of buildings, which had on this new + interesting spot so rapidly risen, as if by the direction of that + necromantic and nocturnal architect, the Genius of the Wonderful Lamp. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[165]</span> "Until lately, Carlton House, or more + properly, now the King's Palace, was hid from observation, and the Royal + view, in front of his princely mansion, was bounded to the opposite side + of the way, the distance of a few yards only; now the eye enjoys a + perspective glance of a spacious and magnificent street, terminating in a + handsome public edifice, and yet terminating in appearance only, for here + the new improvements sweep shortly to the left, and our attention is + attracted to a superb circus, or quadrant, from whence without further + deviation, Regent Street continues in lengthened magnificence, until it + unites itself in affinity of grandeur with Great Portland Place." + </p> + <p> + Thus far had Dashall proceeded, when the Squire expressed his surprise + that the new street had not been so planned as to lead, in one direct and + uninterrupted line, from Pall Mall to its ultimate termination. + </p> + <p> + "Then indeed," answered his friend, "it would have been one of the finest + streets in the world." "Here too," continued the Squire, "is a manifest + deficiency in Regent Place, there is a vacuum, it ought to be supplied + with something, be it what it may, for the eye to rest on." + </p> + <p> + "True, and your idea has been anticipated. One of the most interesting + amongst the antiquities of Egypt, the column known as Cleopatra's + Needle{1} is destined to raise + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 CLEOPATRA'S NEEDLE. + + The Court of Common Council + + Fogrum, Botlieram, Gotham, &c. a full meeting. + + Fog. (Laying down a newspaper.) + The City should be told of it.—They say + That Cleopatra's Needle's to be stuck + In front of Carlton House! + + Got. They'll make the square + A pin-cushion. + + Bot. No! worse—a needle-case. + Has my Lord Sidmouth sent no letter yet + To my Lord Mayor!—It should be pasted up. + + Fog. 'Tis said the Deptford Sheer-hulk has been cleared + Of all its vagabonds, to bring it here. + + Hot. This beats Whitechapel hollow. What's its weight? + + Fog. About three hundred tons. + + Bot. All solid steel? + A pond'rous weapon for a lady's handling! + + Fog. No, stone with scratches on't; and here they say + They're making five-mile telescopes to read them! + + But. Zounds! what a strapping hand she must have had! + Who was the sempstress? + + Fog. Sir, a giantess, + + About ten thousand yards—without her shoes, + Her thimble has been guessed, tho' rotten now, + To fill the place they call the Lake of Maris, + By Alexandria!—Nay, the noseless tilings + That sit upon their tails in Russell Street, + Were Cleopatra's pebbles, taws and dolls! + + Bot. Why, what a monstrous thread she must have used! + + Fog. The Chronicle here says—a patent twist + Of elephants' legs, and dromedaries' spines, + And buffaloes' horns! + + Got. What was her favourite work? + + Fog. (Rising majestically) Sir, she sewed pyramids! + + All lift their hands and eyes in silence.—The Council adjourns. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[166]</span> its lofty summit in Regent Place, and + the western will shortly outrival the eastern wonder of the metropolis.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The Monument. + + "Where London's column pointing to the skies, + Like a tall bull! lifts its head and lies." +</pre> + <p> + "By the bye, let us once more extend our excursion to the Monument, the + day is delightful, and the atmosphere unclouded. We will approximate the + skies, and take a bird's-eye view of the metropolis." In conformity with + this suggestion the Squire submitted himself to the guidance of his + friend, and an aquatic trip being agreed on, they directed their progress + to Spring Garden Gate, and thence across the Park, towards Westminster + Bridge. + </p> + <p> + "A boat, a boat, your honour," vociferated several clamorous watermen, all + in a breath; of whose invitation Dashall took not any notice; "I hate + importunity," he observed to his friend. Passing towards the stairs he was + silently but respectfully saluted by a modest looking young man, without + the obtrusive offer of service.—"Trim your boat, my lad," this was + the business of a moment; "now pull away and land us at the Shades—'of + Elysium,'" said the Squire, terminating the instructions rather abruptly, + of the amphibious conveyancer. "I am rather at a loss to know," said the + waterman, "where that place is, but if your honors incline to the Shades + at London Bridge, I'll row you there in the twirling of a mop-stick." "The + very spot," said Dashall, and the waterman doffing his jacket, and + encouraged to freedom by the familiar manner of the two strangers, <span + class="pagenum">[167]</span> plied his oars lustily, humming, in cadence, + the old song: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "I was, d'ye see a waterman, + As tight and blythe as any, + 'Twixt Chelsea town and Horsley-down, + I gain'd an honest penny." +</pre> + <p> + They now glided pleasantly on the serene bosom of the Thames, and enjoyed, + in mute admiration, the beauties of a variegated prospect, which, if + equalled, is at least not excelled by any other in the universe. On either + side of this noble river, a dense mass of buildings presented itself to + the eye, and as the buoyant vehicle proceeded, the interest of the varying + scene increased in progressive proportion. Thousands of barges skirted the + margin of the lordly stream, and seemed like dependant vassals, whose + creation and existence were derived from and sustained by the fiat of old + father Thames; and imagination might well pourtray the figure of the + venerable parent of this magnificent stream regulating its rippling wave, + and riding, in the triumph of regal sway, over his spacious domains. The + grandeur of the public edifices on the left, the numerous indications of + art on the right, the active industry on both sides, and the fairy-like + boats of pleasurable conveyance gliding to and fro', and shooting, in the + distance, through one or other of the lofty arches of Waterloo Bridge, + produced an effect imposingly grand, and was dwelt upon by our hero of + Belville Hall, particularly with mingled sensations of surprise, + admiration, and delight. + </p> + <p> + Silence had prevailed for some time, with the exception of the waterman, + who now and then carroll'd a stanza responsive to the stroke of the oar, + when the attention of his fare was drawn towards him. + </p> + <p> + "You seem to enjoy a merry life, my good friend," said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + "Ay, ay, your honour, God bless you, why should not I? At my poor home, + and your honour knows that the cottage of the peasant is equally dear to + him as is the Palace to the Prince, there is my old woman, with her five + little ones, all looking forward to the happiness of seeing me in the + evening, after the labours of the day; and to feel that one is cared for + by somebody, is a sweet consolation, amidst all our toils,—besides, + your honour, the old times are partly come round again; half-a-crown will + go farther, aye, thrice-told, now, than it did a few <span class="pagenum">[168]</span>years + ago;—then hang sorrow, I am a contented waterman, your honour; so d——n + the Pope, long life to King George the Fourth, and success to the land + that we live in!" "Here," said Dashall, "is an heterogeneous mixture of + prejudice, simplicity and good nature." + </p> + <p> + "You are but a young man, and cannot long have followed your present + profession.—Is it from choice that you continue it." + </p> + <p> + "Why, your honour, I served an apprenticeship to it, am not long out of my + time, and continue it as well from choice as necessity; the first because + I like it, and lastly, as our parson says, because in any other situation + I could serve neither my neighbour nor myself." + </p> + <p> + By this time the tiny bark had shot the centre arch of Waterloo; and new + scenes of interest presented themselves, in ever-varying succession, as + they proceeded towards Blackfriars. Somerset House wore, particularly, an + aspect of great and imposing effect, and not less, as they ploughed the + liquid element, was the interest excited, and the reminiscence of the + Squire brought into action by the appearance of the Temple Gardens.—The + simple, yet neatly laid out green-sward, reminded him of the verdant slope + on part of his domains at Belville Hall, but here the resemblance + finished; a diminutive, although pure and limpid rivulet only, passed the + slope alluded to, and here was a world of waters, into which the influx of + ten thousand such rivulets would produce no apparent increase. Amidst + these cogitations by the Squire, and others of an unknown description by + Dashall, the boat passed underneath Blackfriars' Bridge, and the lofty + doom of St. Paul burst upon the view of the two associates, with gigantic + majesty, and withdrew from their minds every impression save that of the + towering object in view, superseding the consideration of all else, either + present or retrospective. + </p> + <p> + "Rest on your oars," was the order now given by the two friends, and while + the waterman implicitly obeyed the mandate, they gazed with enthusiasm, on + the stupendous edifice, seen perhaps, to better advantage from the river + than from any other station, and felt proud in their affinity to a country + and countryman, capable, the former of instituting, and the latter of + carrying into effect so august an undertaking.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 During the building of St. Paul's Church, a country + carpenter applied to the Overseer of the workmen for + employment as a carver. The Overseer smiling at the man's + temerity, hearing he had never worked in London, it was + observed by Sir Christopher Wren, who was present, who + calling the man to him, asked him what he had chiefly worked + at in the country?"Pig-troughs, &c." was his answer. "Well + then," says Sir Christopher, "let us see a specimen of your + workmanship in a sow and pigs." The man returned in a few + days, having performed his part with such exquisite skill, + that he was immediately employed; and in tine, executed some + of the most difficult parts of the Cathedral, to the great + astonishment of all that knew the circumstance. So true it + is that genius is often lost in obscurity. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[169]</span> Again proceeding on their way, they + arrived in a few minutes, at another amongst the many in the metropolis, + of those surprising works of public utility which reflect the highest + honor on the laudable enterprize of the present times,—the Iron + Bridge, known as Southwark Bridge, leading from the bottom of Queen + Street, Cheapside to the Borough. It is constructed of cast-iron, and, + from the river particularly, presents an appearance of elegance and + magnificence; consisting of three arches only, the spacious span of each, + stretching across the Thames in towering majesty, affords an aquatic vista + equally novel and interesting. + </p> + <p> + Gliding on the pacific wave, the "trim-built wherry" now passed under the + lofty elevation of the centre arch; and our observers were struck with the + contrast between the object of their admiration and its ancient neighbour, + London Bridge, that "nameless, shapeless bulk of stone and lime," with its + irregular narrow arches, through which the pent-up stream rushes with such + dangerous velocity. + </p> + <p> + "This gothic hulk," said the Squire, "is a deformity in the aspect of the + river." "And ought at least to be pulled down, if not rebuilt," added his + Cousin. "Even on the principle of economy, the large and incessant + expenditure in support of this decayed structure, would be much more + profitably applied in the erection of a new bridge of correspondent + grandeur with the first metropolis in the universe; but the citizens seem + inclined to protract the existence of this heavy fabric, as a memento of + the bad taste of their progenitors." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Full many a gem of purest ray serene, + The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; + Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, + And waste its sweetness in the desert air.' +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[170]</span> The indefatigable waterman continued to + ply his oars, sans intermission, and in a few minutes our two associates + in adventure were safely landed a short distance westward of the bridge. + After remunerating the waterman, they ascended the stairs with an appetite + quickened by the water breeze, and retired into the Shades, close at hand, + for refreshment, previous to a renewal of their excursion. + </p> + <p> + The Shades, near London Bridge, is a house, or rather cellar, much + resorted to by respectable citizens of "sober fame," induced chiefly by + the powerful attraction of genuine wines, which may here be had either + drawn immediately from the wood, and served in regular standard pewter + measures, or in bottles, also of full measure, containing the pure + beverage, of various age and vintages. To these cellars numbers of the + most respectable mercantile characters adjourn daily; enjoying the + exhilarating juice of the grape, and further attracted by the pleasantness + of situation, as commanding a full view of the river, whence the + refreshing breeze is inhaled and enjoyed. + </p> + <p> + Here then, our heroes recruited; and while taking their wine, Bob was much + gratified by the performance of an itinerant band of musicians, playing + outside, some of the latest and most popular airs, in a masterly style of + execution. "Among other numerous refinements and improvements of the age," + observed Dashall, "may be considered that of our itinerant metropolitan + musicians, for instead of the vile, discordant and grating hurdy-gurdy; + the mechanical organ grinder, and the cat-gut scraper, "sawing a tune," we + have now parties who form themselves into small bands of really scientific + and able performers, who from instruments well selected produce a + combination of delightful melody; and this progress of harmony is equally + evident with respect to vocalists, who frequently posting themselves + opposite some well frequented tavern or coffee-house, amuse the inmates + with catches, glees, duets, &c. and trust to the liberal feelings + which the "concord of sweet sounds may have inspired, for remuneration and + encouragement." + </p> + <p> + Scarcely had Dashall concluded his remarks, when the musical party ceased + their instrumental exertions, and, diversifying the entertainment, one of + the performers struck up a song, which we here present to the reader as a + subject not inapplicable to our work.<span class="pagenum">[171]</span> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + In London where comical jokes go free, + There are comical modes of cheating, + Birch-brooms are cut up for Souchong and Bohea, + And plaster for bread you are eating! + And plaster for bread you are eating! + + (Spoken) "How do you do, Mrs. Caphusalent I hope you + approved of the genuine tea." "O yes, new brooms sweep + clean, and I have no occasion to buy birch ones, while I + deal at your shop for tea." "There's nothing like my cheap + bread," says Doughy the baker. "O yes," says Neddy, "you + forget plaster of Paris is very like it." + + What are you at? each knave may cry, + Who feels my honest rhymes; + What are you after's? my reply,— + There never were such times! + There never were such times! + + In Accum's test you'll find it clear, + For spirits of wine read Royal gin! + Quashee and drugs they call strong beer, + And Turtle soup is Ox's shin! + And Turtle soup is Ox's shin! + + (Spoken) "By the powers of Moll Kelly, Mr. Max, but you've + murdered my dear friend Patrick O'Shaughnessy, for after + taking a noggin of your blue ruin, he went to blow out the + candle on stepping into bed, when the poor dear creature + went off in a blaze, and set fire to the house. Its all + nothing at all but spirits of wine, you bog-trotting + swindler!" + + Moist sugar is made from the best red sand, + New milk from whiting and water! + Sloe juice poisons half the land, + And the weights get shorter and shorter! + And the weights get shorter and shorter! + + (Spoken) "I hope," says Mr. Deputy Doublethroat, "you found + the port I sent you last of the right sort: six years in + bottle, Sir, I warrant it made your heart glad." "You mean + my bowels sad, Mr. Deputy. Out of six friends whom I invited + to partake of it four have already been booked inside + passengers for the other world, and my dear Mrs. Fribble and + me have been confined with inflammation ever since. Instead + of importer of foreign wines, Mr. Deputy, I'd have you write + up retailer of English poisons." {1} + + 1 The following receipt is copied from a book, which is + there said to be worth the price of the volume. "What is + drank as port wine, is very often only a mixture of malt + liquors, red wine, and turnip juice. For the benefit of + economical readers, the following are the proportions: forty- + eight gallons of liquor pressed from turnips, eight gallons + of malt spirits, and eight gallons of good port wine, + coloured with cochineal, and roughened with elder tops. It + should stand two years in casks, and one in bottles. If + rough cider is substituted for turnip juice, and Coniac + brandy for malt spirits, the wine will be the better." + + Turkey-coffee is Horse-beans ground, + Irish eggs are boil'd in lime: + In every trade deception's found, + Except it be in yours or mine! + Except it be in yours or mine! + + (Spoken) "There's more milk drank in London in a week than + all the Cows in England could give in a fortnight;" says + Blunderskull. "How can that be?" "Why to be sure, because + two-thirds of it is white-wash!" + + What are you at? each knave may cry, + Who feels my honest rhymes: + What are you after's? my reply,— + There never were such times! + There never were such times! +</pre> + <p> + It was but a few steps from the Shades to the Monument, to which our + adventurers were now pursuing their way, when they met with an incident + not unworthy of observation. Do not leave your goods, is the friendly + admonition generally inscribed, in large characters, over the resting + place for porters, throughout the metropolis. Opposite the church of Saint + Magnus, close by London Bridge, a porter having pitched his load, turned + his back upon it, and reclined himself against the post in careless ease, + and security. It was just as our heroes approached, that the porter had + turned himself round to resume his burden, when lo! it had vanished; in + what manner no one can tell! without doubt, one of those numerous + street-prowlers who are continually on the look out for prey, observing + the remissness of the porter, had availed himself of the favourable + opportunity, and quietly walked off with his booty. A crowd collected + round the sufferer, but it afforded him neither sympathy nor relief. Our + associates, however, contributed in mitigation of his loss, and proceeding + up Fish-street Hill, were, in a few moments, shrouded under the towering + column of the Monument. + </p> + <p> + Ascending the spiral stair-case of black marble, consisting of three + hundred and forty-five steps, winding like a cork-screw, to the summit, + our aspirants reached their aerial station in the gallery of this lofty + edifice, and enjoyed one of the most variegated and extensively <span + class="pagenum">[173]</span> interesting prospects of any in the + metropolis. Far as the eye could reach, skirting itself down the river, a + forest of tall masts appeared, and the colours of all nations, waving + gaily in the breeze, gave a splendid idea of the opulence and industry of + the first commercial city in the universe. The moving panorama, far + beneath the giddy height, resembled the flitting figures of a <i>camera + obscura</i>; the spacious Thames was reduced to a brook; the stately + vessels riding on its undulating wave seemed the dwarfish boats of the + school-boy navigator; and glancing on the streets and along London Bridge, + horses dwindled in appearance to mice, and carriages to children's toys! + after having enjoyed, during several minutes, the prospects afforded by + their elevated position, the two friends descended, and with a feeling of + relief again trod the safer and less difficult path of <i>terra firma</i>. + </p> + <p> + Our observers now turned their direction westward, and passed into Lombard + Street, chiefly formed of banking-houses and other public edifices. "This + street," said Dashall, "is noted as the focus of wealth, the point of + convergence of civic riches, and its respectable bankers are not more + dignified by the possession of superabundant property than enhanced in the + estimation of their fellow-citizens by strictly conscientious honour and + integrity. + </p> + <p> + "And of these not the least important in self-consequence is the jolly + civic Baronet," continued Dashall, "who has already come more than once + within the scope of our observation." + </p> + <p> + "Ecce homo! behold the man!" responded the Squire, and the Baronet was + descried rolling his ponderous form from the opposite alley to his + banking-house. + </p> + <p> + "It is rather unfortunate," observed Dashall, "that nature has not kept + pace with fortune, in liberality to the Baronet. Profuse in giving him a + colossal magnitude of person, he exhibits a most disproportionable + endowment of intellect. Unlike his great prototype Sir John, in one sense, + but yet resembling him in another, 'He is not witty himself, but he + occasions wit in others.'" + </p> + <p> + "You are very fond of making a butt of me," observed the Baronet to a + brother Alderman.—"By no means," rejoined the latter, "I never was + fond of an empty butt in my life." "Is the worthy Baronet inclined at + times, (asked the Squire) in his capacity of M.P. to irradiate the gloom + of St. Stephens?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[174]</span> "O yes, frequently, particularly so + when in the plenitude of his wisdom he conceives that he can enlighten the + house with a modicum of information. The last time I heard him hold forth + was as an apologist for the tumultuary loyalists at the Mansion House + Meeting, when he delivered himself in a manner so heterogeneal of + commonsense, and so completely in a style of egotism, as to excite the + ridicule and risibility of the whole house, and discompose the gravity of + even the speaker himself."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The following is a strictly literal versification of the Speech + alluded to: + + THE MANSION-HOUSE ROW, AND APOLOGY FOR + THE LOYALISTS. + + Being a literal versification of the eloquent Speech of Sir + W—ll—m C—RT—s, Baronet, in the House of Commons, Friday, + February 2, on the presentation, by Mr. John Smith, of the + Petition of the Merchants of London. + + I rise, Mr. Speaker, indulgence entreating + A Speech while I make on the Mansion-house Meeting. + The prior Requisition was certainly signed + By men of good substance, with pockets well lin'd! + With such I am ever good humour'd and civil, + But worth, without wealth, I would pitch to the devil'. + The Lord Mayor, I think, then, assum'd a position + Of duty, in yielding to said Requisition; + For may my oration be given to scorn, + If ever I saw, from the day I was born, + A list of more honoured, more propertied men, + And probably never may see such again. + + Now high as I prize both the merits and station, + Of loyalists signing the first declaration; + Permit me to say, it was too mild by half, + Too much milk and water—Some Members may laugh— + I care not;—I say that it did not inherit + The tythe of a loyal and time serving spirit. + I'm charged too with signing it, nevertheless, + I DID,—for I knew not how else to express + My zeal, in supporting, with firm resolution, + The Crown,—and Old England's decay'd Constitution! + Who they are, Constitution and Crown that sustain, + The people should now,—else we labour in vain! + And, therefore, I sign'd the fore-named declaration. + Altho' such a weak milk and water potation! + For why should the loyalists smother their cause, + And lose the high gain,—ministerial applause. + 'Pon honour,—aye, even in detractions despite— + In corners and holes, Sir, I take no delight; + And, never on any pursuit do I go, + Of which 1 don't want the Almighty to know! + I signed, Sir, the loyal, luke-warm declaration, + To bring to its senses a turbulent nation! + To cheer up His Majesty,—win his good graces, + And keep his lov'd Ministers still in their places! + The hon'rable member, my friend, who spoke last, + Is not quite correct in detailing what pass'd + At the Mansion-house Meeting; for patiently heard + He was, until symptoms of riot appear'd. + At last it broke out, with a vengeance 'tis true, + And dire was the fracas! but what could we do, + Where adverse opinion so warmly prevail'd, + And each with revilings his neighbour assail'd? + Why, Sir, to this house, I could prove in a minute, + That greater majorities out than now in it, + Of sound thinking persons, in these fair dominions, + Are scouting the hon'rable member's opinions. + + Well-bred, Sir, believe me, and good-looking people, + Were wedg'd in the Mansion-house quite of a heap all; + Whilst I, most politely, besought their attention, + But no,—not a word was I suffer'd to mention! + A party oppos'd me, altho' no long speeches + I make,—(a kind lesson that prudence still teaches;) + And waiting a hearing an hour, perhaps longer, + The dissonant clamour grew fiercer and stronger! + In fact, when I open'd my mouth, the commotion + Exceeded in fury the storms of the ocean! + Some hale stout young men, who had mix'd with the throng, + And press'd, the conflicting addressers among, + Escap'd from the Meeting in tumult and smother, + And swore that they never would visit another! + + I well recollect, in the year ninety-three, + A similar fracas I happen'd to see; + The place, Grocers' Hall, where contention was wrought, + So high, that a stout battle-royal was fought! + Indeed, save one Meeting, I ne'er knew a case, + Where wrangling and fighting had not taken place! + In that one, so happen'd, good luck to betide, + Its fortunate members—were all on one side! + Reverting again to the Mansion-house Row, + When next our staunch loyalists mean to avow + Their zeal,——may they issue a strong declaration, + Then mix'd with a water and milk preparation! + The gout in my toe, for I wore a great shoe, + At last sent me home, without bidding adieu. + + And now having said, Mr. Speaker, thus much + I hope on this house the impression is such, + The loyalists fully to clear, and their leader + From charge, at that Meeting, of boisterous proceedure. + + The Honourable Baronet now sat down, amid the ironical cheers, + of the Treasury, and the tumultuous laughter of the whole house. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[175]</span> The two partners in adventure had now + reached the Mansion House. The Justice Room was open, and the friends + ascended the stairs in order to witness the equitable dispensation of + right by the Civic Sovereign. + </p> + <p> + The case now under investigation was a curious one, and excited the + interest and amusement of a numerous auditory. + </p> + <p> + The itinerant exhibitor of a dancing bear, complained that the person + (proprietor of a small menage) now summoned into the presence of his + lordship, illegally withheld from him a monkey, his property, and the + ci-devant associate of the ursine dancer aforesaid. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, the master of the menage roundly asserted that he was + the rightful proprietor of the monkey, and had been in possession of the + animal for several years. + </p> + <p> + "My lord," said the master of the bear, "let the monkey be produced, and I + will abide by his choice between this man and me as his master." This + proposition appearing reasonable, and pug having been brought forward as + evidence, before giving his testimony made a respectful obeisance to the + Chief Magistrate, and so far as chattering and grinning were indicative of + his good intentions, seemed desirous of expressing his courtesy to the + auditory in general. After having stared about him for some time, with an + inquisitive eye, and corresponding gesticulation, he discerned the + bear-master, and springing into his arms with all the eagerness of + affectionate recognition, expressed the utmost joy at the unexpected + meeting, and when the other claimant attempted to approach, he repulsed + him in the most furious manner, and clung to the friend of his election + with renewed pertinacity. + </p> + <p> + Under these circumstances, the monkey was adjudged to the bear-master as + his proper owner, and pug and his friend left the Justice Room, with + mutual exchange of endearments. + </p> + <p> + Nothing else meriting notice, occurred to the two strangers in this their + new scene of observation. The Civic Sovereign having resigned the chair to + one of the Aldermen, in order that he might attend the Sessions at the Old + Bailey, Dashall and the Squire, at the same time, retired with the + intention (the day now waning apace) of making the best of their way home, + which they reached without further adventure.<span class="pagenum">[177]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0013" id="link32HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The charge is prepar'd, the lawyers are met, + The judges all rang'd, a terrible show! + I go undismay'd, for death is a debt, + A debt on demand,—so take what I owe. + + Since laws were made for every degree, + To curb vice in others as well as in me; + I wonder we ha'n't better company + Upon Tyburn tree! + + But gold from law can take out the sting, + And if rich men like us were to swing + 'Twould thin the land such numbers would string + Upon Tyburn tree! +</pre> + <p> + PURPOSING to spend an hour in the Sessions House at the Old Bailey, our + adventurers started next morning betimes, and reaching their destination, + took their seats in the gallery, for which accommodation they were charged + one shilling each, which the Squire denominated an imposition, inquiring + of his friend by what authority it was exacted, and to whose benefit + applied, as from the frequent sittings of the Court, and general crouded + state of the gallery, the perquisites must be considerable. + </p> + <p> + "Custom in every thing bears sovereign sway," answered Dashall. "I know + not whence this is derived, nor whose pockets are lined by the produce; + but you will probably be surprised to learn, that a shilling admission is + only demanded on common occasions, and that on trials of great public + interest, from one to two guineas has been paid by every individual + obtaining admission." + </p> + <p> + The arrival of the Judges now terminated this colloquy. The Lord Mayor and + several Aldermen were in waiting to receive them, and these sage + expounders of the law were conducted to the Bench by the Sheriffs of + London and Middlesex. The Chief Magistrate of the City uniformly and of + right presiding at this Court, his Lordship <span class="pagenum">[178]</span> + took his seat on the same Bench with the Judges, and the usual forms + having been gone through, the dispensation of justice commenced. + </p> + <p> + Several prisoners were tried and convicted of capital felony, during the + short space of time that our associated observers remained in Court; but + the cases of these wretched men, and the consciousness of their impending + fate, seemed in no respect to operate upon their minds, as they left the + bar apparently with perfect indifference. + </p> + <p> + An unfortunate man was next brought forward, and accused of having stolen + from an auction room a couple of wine glasses. He was of respectable + demeanor, and evidently had seen better days. When asked what he had to + allege in his defence, the victim of misery preluding his story with a + torrent of tears, told the following piteous tale of distress: + </p> + <p> + He had been in business, and sustained an unimpeachable integrity of + character for many years. Independence seemed within his reach, when + misfortune, equally unforeseen as inevitable, at all points assailed him! + In the course of one disastrous year, death deprived him of his family, + and adversity of his property. He had unsuccessfully speculated, and the + insolvency of several who were considerably indebted to him, had completed + his ruin! At the time he committed the act for which he stood convicted at + that bar, he had not tasted food for three days, neither had he in the + world a friend or relative to whom he could apply for relief. The Jury + found him Guilty, but strongly recommended him to mercy. The Judge + humanely observed, that the least possible punishment should be inflicted + on the prisoner. He was then sentenced to a fine of one shilling, and to + be discharged. A sum of money, the spontaneous bounty of the spectators, + was immediately collected for him, while one of the Jury promised him + employment, on his calling at his house on the following day. The + gratitude of the poor man was inexpressible: the sudden transition from + the abyss of despair to the zenith of hope, seemed to overwhelm his + faculties. He ejaculated a blessing on his benefactors, and departed. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[179]</span> Dashall and his friend were much + affected by this incident. Another, however, presently occurred, of a more + lively description. In the course of the next trial, the counsellor, on + cross-examining a witness, found occasion to address him with, "Well, my + old buck, I suppose you are one of those people who do not often go to + church?"—"Perhaps," said the other, "if the truth were known, I am + as often there as you are." The promptness of the reply produced a laugh, + in which the witness very cordially joined. "What makes you laugh?" said + the lawyer. "Is not every body laughing?" replied the other. "True," said + the man of law; "but do you know what they are laughing at?"—"Why, I + think in my heart," rejoined the fellow, "that they take either me or you + to be a fool, but I do not know which!" + </p> + <p> + The Judge at this repartee could not retain his gravity; a tumult of mirth + pervaded the whole Court, and the discomfited counsellor adjusted his wig + and sat down. + </p> + <p> + During the few minutes longer that our heroes remained, nothing of + interest occurring, they withdrew; and passing down the Old Bailey to + Ludgate Street, and from thence towards the Temple, they crossed Fleet + Street, and taking the direction of Shire Lane, were induced, by way of + investigating Real Life in its lowest classification, to enter one of + those too frequent receptacles of vice denominated Coffee Shops. + </p> + <p> + This was a house of notorious irregularity, the occupant of which had more + than once experienced the visitation of the law for his utter contempt of + social order—and from the present appearance of his guests, it did + not seem that legal interference had effected moral amendment. + </p> + <p> + As our two friends entered this Augean Stable, a whisper of surprise, + mingled with dismay, went round the motley assemblage of female + street-drabs, cracksmen,{1} and fogle-hunters; and a wary glance of + suspicion darted from the group "many a time and oft" on the new-comers, + who notwithstanding kept possession of their seats, and ordering without + apparent notice of the party a cup of coffee, apprehension subsided into + security, the re-assured inmates resumed their interrupted hilarity, and + our adventurers were thus afforded the means of leisurable observation. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Cracksmen (Burglars), Fogle-hunters (Pickpockets). +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[180]</span> The Squire, who had not perused the + annals of blackguardism, and consequently was not an adept in the + knowledge of the slang or vulgar tongue, was under the frequent necessity + of applying to his friend for explanation of the obscure phraseology of + those ladies and gentlemen of the pad, which Dashall contrived to + occasionally interpret without the assistance or notice of its + multitudinous learned professors. + </p> + <p> + The desire of witnessing the exhibition of Real Life in its lowest state + of human degradation, induced a prolongation of stay by our two + associates. In the meanwhile, "the mirth and fun grew fast and furious," + exemplified by dance, song, and revelry, interspersed with practical + jokes, recriminative abuse, and consequent pugilistic exercise, where + science and strength alternately prevailed; and in deficiency of other + missiles, poker, tongs, coffee-cups, saucers, and plates, were brought + into active requisition.—The scene was a striking illustration of + "Confusion worse confounded." Luckily our two observers were in a + situation without the reach of injury; they therefore "smiled at the + tumult and enjoyed the storm." + </p> + <p> + The landlord now interfered in defence of his fragile property. + Preliminaries of peace were agreed on, through his high mediation, and + finally ratified betwixt the contending parties, ending as they began, + like many other conflicting powers, <i>statu quo ante bellum</i>! + </p> + <p> + "And now to serious business we'll advance, says one of the King's of + Brentford. + </p> + <p> + "But first let's have a dance." + </p> + <p> + The present party followed exactly Mr. Baye's proposition; the dance and + the row over, they now proceeded to serious business. + </p> + <p> + Seated in various groups, each engaged itself in conversation, which, from + its almost inaudible expression, was singularly contrasted with the recent + tumultuous uproar. + </p> + <p> + The next box where sat our two friends, was occupied by cracksmen and + fogle-hunters, one of whom, whose superior skill gave him an ascendancy + over his associates, had delineated on the table the plan of certain + premises, and having given in a very low tone of voice, a verbal + illustration to his fellow-labourers, with what intention it is not + difficult to conjecture, observed, "We may as well <i>pad</i> (walk) it, + as <i>Sir Oliver</i> (the moon) is not out to night." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[181]</span> The party to whom this remark was + addressed, prepared to pad it accordingly,—when the desired egress + was opposed by the entrance of three men, who unbuttoning their great + coats, exhibited, each a hanger and brace of pistols, and took the whole + community, male and female, into safe custody + </p> + <p> + This was a <i>coup-de-main</i> on the part of the captors, and sustained + with the most perfect <i>sang froid</i> by the captured. + </p> + <p> + The officers next turned their attention to Dashall and Tallyho, who + giving their cards, and candidly explaining the motives which led them + into the temporary society of the prisoners, they were treated with + becoming respect, the officers with their captives proceeding on their + route to Bow Street, and our heros to the occurrence of future adventure. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho congratulated himself on his escape from expected mortification + and inconvenience, but Dashall, whose more active and enterprizing mind + was not to be checked by trifles, enjoyed the vague apprehensions of his + friend, and by way of making amends for the penance they had inflicted on + themselves in Shire Lane, agreed to dine and finish the evening at a + Tavern in Covent Garden. + </p> + <p> + Thither, then, as they pursued their course, the Squire expressed his + surprise that a final stop was not put to scenes such as they had just + witnessed, and all such places of nefarious rendezvous, abolished by the + vigilance of the police. + </p> + <p> + "On the contrary," observed Dashall, "it is the interest of the police, + not utterly to destroy these receptacles of vice. They are the toleration + haunts of profligacy, where the officers of justice are generally assured + of meeting the objects of their inquiry, and therefore, under proper + restrictions, and an occasional clearance, the continuance of a minor evil + is productive of public benefit, by arresting the progress of infamy, and + preventing the extension of crime." + </p> + <p> + Passing along the Strand, the humane feelings of the Squire were excited + by apparently a mutilated veteran seaman, who in a piteous tone of voice, + supplicated his charitable consideration. The applicant stated, that he + had lost an arm and an eye, and was deprived the use of a leg, in the + service of his country, without friend or home, and entirely destitute of + the means of subsistence, that he had no other resource than that of a + humble reliance on public benevolence. The Squire with his usual + philanthropic promptitude drew out his purse, but his <span class="pagenum">[182]</span> + friend intercepted the boon, and inquired of the seaman under whom, in + what ship, and in what action he had sustained his misfortunes. To these + questions a satisfactory answer was given, and the claim of the man to + compassion and relief was about to be admitted, when another inquiry + occurred, "are you a pensioner?" + </p> + <p> + A pause ensued: in the interim the mendicant seeing a person approach, of + whose recognition he was not at all ambitious, dropped in a moment his + timber toe, unslung his arm, dashed a patch from his eye, and set off with + the speed of a race-horse. + </p> + <p> + During the amazement of our two observers of Real Life, excited by this + sudden and unexpected transformation, the officer, for such was the + quondam acquaintance of the imposter, introduced himself to their notice. + "Gentlemen," said he, "you are not up to the tricks of London, that fellow + on whom you were about to bestow your charity, and who has just now + exhibited his agility, is one of the greatest imposters in London;—however, + I shall not run him down at present.—I know his haunts, and reckon + sure of my game in the evening." + </p> + <p> + "I confess," replied Dashall, "that in the present instance I have been + egregiously deceived;—I certainly am not up to all the tricks of + London, although neither a Johnny Raw nor a green-horn; and yet I would + not wish to prove callous to the claim of distress, even if sometimes + unguardedly bestowing the mite of benevolence on an undeserving object." + </p> + <p> + "The Society for the Suppression of Mendicity in the Metropolis," said the + Officer, "think differently, they recommend that no relief should be given + to street-beggars." + </p> + <p> + "Then," said Dashall, offended by the officer's interference,—"I + envy them not the possession of their feelings," and the two friends + renewed their walk. + </p> + <p> + Proceeding, without further interruption, our pedestrians, were induced to + intermingle with a crowd which had collected round a man who wore a most + patriarchal redundancy of beard, and had been recognized by an + acquaintance as a shoe-maker of the name of Cooke, a disciple of the + American Prophet, John Decker. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[183]</span> Their high mightinesses the mobility + were mischievously inclined, and would certainly have grossly insulted, if + not injured the poor devotee, had not Dashall and his friend taken him + under their protection.{1} He had been quietly making his way through + Covent Garden Market, when the greetings and surprise of his friend at his + strange transformation, attracted the curiosity of the multitude, and his + unhesitating declaration, that he meant to accompany the great Prophet to + Jerusalem, excited derision and indignation against the unfortunate + enthusiast, when luckily our two heros interposed their good offices and + conducted the proselyte in safety to the Shakespeare Tavern. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 On Monday, in consequence of a very great uproar on Sunday + night, in Worcester Street, Southwark, about the house of + the American Prophet, John Decker, that singular person was + brought before the Magistrates of this office, the + inhabitants of the neighbourhood having attributed the + disturbance to the unfortunate fanaticism of the prophet and + his followers. + + The constables stated, that on Sunday night, at half-past + eight o'clock, they saw a mob, consisting of about three + hundred people, collected at the door of the house, and + heard the cries of "murder" issue from within. The officers + on going up stairs, found the Prophet lying on his back. + Some persons who had been abusing him escaped, and the + Prophet said the cause of their violence was, that he had + refused to get out of his bed to preach. He was conveyed to + the watch-house. The witnesses informed the Magistrate, that + the Prophet had made some proselytes, who were actually + about to leave the country with him, and accompany him upon + an expedition to the Holy Land. The parish officers were + naturally alarmed at the inconveniences to which such an + emigration would expose them, and hoped that every thing the + arm of the law could do would be done to prevent it. The + fanatic spirit of some of the followers of the Prophet may + be guessed at from the following facts:— + + The officers who apprehended him, had, two or three times, + in the course of Sunday evening, gone to the house in + Worcester Street, and dispersed a large congregation that + had assembled in the room appropriated to preaching. The + Prophet preached first, and was succeeded by one of his most + zealous followers, who was followed by another. This was + constantly the practice, and during the service, which was + being listened to with rapture, upwards of a dozen of the + congregation seemed to be as violently engaged as the + Prophet himself, whose sincerity is well known. One man, a + shoe-maker, named Cooke, has actually sold off his stock and + furniture, which were worth £300.; and if he were not known + to be the greatest admirer of the Prophet might be called + his rival, for he has allowed his beard to grow to an + immense length, and goes about preaching and making + converts. He has a little son, who looks half-starved, and + is denied all animal food by the Prophet and his father, + upon the principle of Pythagoras—that he might not be + guilty of eating a piece of his own grand-mother. Another + trades-man, who was most industrious, and attached to his + wife and seven children, proposes to leave them all, and go + to Jerusalem. His beard is also becoming indicative of his + intention, and he sleeps, as the others who are struck by + the Prophet do—with his clothes on. None of the sixteen + families who reside in the house in which the Prophet lives, + have, however, caught the infection, and the land-lady + complained most severely of the annoyance to which she was + subject. + + Mr. Chambers said he expected to have heard that the Prophet + was on his way to Jerusalem. + + The Prophet said he only waited for a Tunisian vessel to set + sail with his brother Cooke, and nine other of his brethren. + Upon being questioned as to his inducing those men to leave + their families, he said he did not take them, a higher power + took them. After having stated the manner in which he had + been pulled out of the bed, and declared that he forgave his + enemies, he said, in answer to a question whether he was at + Brixton, and worked there, "Yea," and to the question + whether he liked it, "Nay." + + Cooke, the shoe-maker, then stepped forward, and told the + Magistrate that he was determined to follow his brother + Decker to Jerusalem, but that the parish should suffer no + inconvenience, for he should take his son with him on his + pilgrimage. He said that they should not preach again where + they had been so abused, but should remove to a house near + the National School, in St. George's Fields, where they + would preach till the day of their departure. + + The Magistrate assured the Prophet that he should be + committed if he preached again without a license, which he + might have next Sessions for four-pence. The Prophet was + then discharged. + + Decker, it appeared, had baptized seventeen persons, since + he commenced his labours in St. George's Fields. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[184]</span> No remonstrances of Dashall were of any + avail in inducing the pertinacious fanatic to forego his resolution of a + pilgrimage to the Holy Land, and when the inquisitive numbers who still + lingered in front of the tavern had dispersed, Cooke, with appropriate + acknowledgment of the protection which had been afforded him, took his + leave, after having unsuccessfully endeavoured to make converts of Dashall + and the Squire to the tenets of Prophet Decker, or to prevail on them to + accompany the sacred band in the projected expedition to Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0014" id="link32HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My son, time was when by necessity, + (Nought else could move me to the enterprize,) + My steps were urg'd to London's wide domains, + I made my will, as prudent friends advis'd;— + For little wot they, that beset with peril, + I ever should return.—Safe though thou speed'st + To London's wond'rous mart, thy pleasaut way, + Think not that dangers cease, they but begin, + When ent'ring the metrop'lis; slowly then + Receive even Friendship's overtures, and shun + The softer sex their wiles and blandishments; + Walk cautiously the streets, of crowds beware, + And wisely learn to fly each latent snare. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[185]</span> AMONGST other occurrences of the + preceding day, Cousin Bob adverted, at the breakfast table, to the + confused intermixture of carriages, dissonant din of attendant lacqueys + clamouring for vehicles, and the dangers occasioned by quarrelsome + coachmen, precipitately, and at all hazards, rushing forwards to the doors + of a mansion, on the breaking-up of a route, each claiming, and none + willing to concede precedency in taking up their masters and mistresses,—" + I am surprised," said the Squire, "that any rational being would sacrifice + his time and comfort in making one of an assemblage where within doors you + are pressed to the dread of suffocation, and in making your exit, are + environed by peril and difficulty." + </p> + <p> + "Such," rejoined Dashall, "are the follies of fashion. Its influence + predominates universally; and the votarists of <i>bon ton</i>, are equally + assiduous in the pursuit of their object, whether with the satellites in + the gay and volatile regions of the court, or amongst those of 'sober + fame' in the mercantile bustle of the city. In the purlieus of the great, + <i>bon ton</i> is characterized by inconvenience; four or Ave hundred + people, for example, invited to crowd a suite of rooms not calculated to + accommodate half the number, the squeeze must be delightful! But + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Custom in every thing liears sovereign sway!' +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[186]</span> thence yield the followers of High Life + in the West to the follies of fashion, where the enjoyment of ease is a + subordinate, if not altogether exploded consideration.—Eastward on + the other hand: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'I loves High Life, and all the joys it yields,' + Says Madam Fussick, warm from Spitalfields. + 'High Life's the day, 'twixt Saturday and Monday, + 'And riding in a one-horse chay on Sunday, + ''Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons, + 'At Bagnigge Wells, in china and gilt spoons.'" +</pre> + <p> + "Again," added the Squire, "what a vast expence is incurred by these idle + and ostentatious displays of luxury, without one object of advantage + gained!" + </p> + <p> + "Unproductive result," rejoined Tom, "is not always the case; it not + unfrequently happens that a route and card-party are united; when the lady + of the mansion generally contrives, by skill and finesse, to transfer a + portion of the spoil into her own private treasury; and notwithstanding + expense, there are those who have given splendid routes and + entertainments, and at the same time, recruited their exhausted finances, + at the sole charges of incautious tradesmen, who notwithstanding repeated + losses, yet absorbed in the love of gain, become the dupes of avarice and + credulity.—In the elucidation of my remark,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'If old assertions can't prevail, + Be pleased to hear a modern tale.' +</pre> + <p> + "Not long since," continued Dashall, "an aspiring young limb of the law, + of property, in expectancy (but that is neither here nor there) and + fertile in expedient, contrived to insinuate himself into the good + fellowship of a few bon vivants; and resolving to irradiate with + 'surprising glory' the galaxy of fashion, he furnished a house, by + permission of an accommodating upholsterer, in a style of magnificence, + and decorated a side-board with a splendid service of plate, borrowed + auspiciously for the occasion from a respectable silversmith, on a promise + of liberal remuneration and safe return; after effecting the object of its + migration, in dazzling the eyes of his honourable friends at his projected + entertainment. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[187]</span> "Amidst the busy 'note of preparation,' + the important day at last arrived; the suite of apartments became thronged + with company, and every one admired the elegance of the furniture; the + tasteful ornaments of the rooms; the brilliancy of the lights and massive + construction of the valuable family plate! In fact every thing conspired + to give <i>eclat</i> to the scene, and confirm the friends of the founder + of the feast in their belief alike of his exquisite judgment and high + respectability. + </p> + <p> + "The silversmith, that he might not appear indelicately obtrusive, let a + few days elapse after this grand gala had taken place, before he applied + for restoration of his property, the borrower congratulated him on his + good fortune, told him, that several friends had very much admired the + plate, and even expressed an intention of ordering similar services; and + that with regard to the borrowed plate, he had taken so strong a fancy to + it, as to feel disposed to become a purchaser, if the price was + reasonable, and an adequate consideration was made for prompt payment. + </p> + <p> + "The silversmith, who chuckled inwardly at the prospect of extending his + business, and connecting himself with so many 'honourable men,' gratefully + expressed his acknowledgments, and assuring him of liberal dealing, the + several items of the borrowed plate were examined and dilated upon, the + price of each article, after much higgling, was ultimately fixed, the sum + total ascertained, and an early clay appointed for a final settlement of + the accompt. It never was the intention of the borrower to return the + plate, but he now had achieved a great object, by entirely changing the + whole complexion of the business; he had now converted fraud into debt, + and happen what might, the silversmith could only sue him on a civil + process, which against a limb of the law, and as such, privileged from + arrest, must be tedious and uncertain, whereas, had he made away with the + plate, without accomplishing the object of this last manouvre, (such is + the indiscriminating severity of English law,) that he might have been + amenable to the punishment of felony! + </p> + <p> + "Now comes the reckoning when the banquet's o'er! the parties met for + final settlement, when behold! the accepted purchaser offers the + silversmith a bill at a month; he refuses it indignantly, and consults his + solicitor as to the possibility of compelling the restoration of the + plate; but the lawyer told him, that on his own shewing this could not be + done. The silversmith had now no other resource than that of taking the + <span class="pagenum">[188]</span> proposed bill, and waiting the + expiration of the month, for payment. In the meanwhile, the debtor + exhibiting the talent of an able conveyancer, transmuted the silver into + gold, and now laughs at the credulity of London tradesmen, and sets the + silversmith at defiance!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This incident, as related by Dash all, actually and very + recently occurred. + + An interesting and useful volume might be compiled on the + subject of frauds practised on London tradesmen. Many of + these tricks have been highly characteristic of ingenuity. + The following is a ludicrous instance of female stratagem. + We give the article literally, as it occurred. + + A few days ago, a female, apparently a person of rank, + visited in her carriage, towards the evening, a Silk + Mercer's Shop, westward of Temple Bar, where she made + choice, for purchase, of silks and other rich articles of + feminine dress and decoration, to the value of above fifty + pounds. Her manner was that of a perfectly well-bred + gentlewoman, and her person displayed no small portion of + attractive and elegant accomplishment. Having completed + her selection, she expressed much regret that she could not + pay the amount of the bill on the instant: "But,"she + continued, "it is a delightful evening; my house is in the + suburbs of town; a short and easy ride will prove a pleasant + recreation, and if you will accompany me home in my + carriage, you shall, on our arrival, be immediately paid." + The mercer was more gallant of spirit than to reject the + courtesy of a lady so fair and fascinating, and accepting + with pleasure the proferred honour, the vehicle soon + reached its destination. The lady first alighted, taking + with her, into an elegant mansion, the articles of + purchase; the mercer presently followed, was shewn into a + handsome drawing-room, and received with much politeness, by + apparently by a gentleman of the faculty.—A silence of a + few minutes ensued, when the mercer inquired for the lady, + observing, at the same time, that it was necessary he should + return to town immediately. The courteous physician + recommended silence, and the mercer became irritated and + clamorous for his money and freedom of exit. Two + attendants making their appearance, they were directed to + conduct the patient to his apartment. The mercer + suspecting that he was the dupe of artifice, grasped a + poker, with the intention of effect-ing, at all hazard, his + liberation from "durance vile," but his efforts had no other + result than that of confirming his trammels, and he was + presently bound over to keep the peace, under the guarantee + of a straight-waistcoat! The unfortunate mercer now told a + "plain unvarnished tale," which gained the attention of the + humane physician, who was no other than the proprietor of + the mansion, in which he managed its concerns as an Asylum + for Lunatics. The lady who accompanied the mercer to the + house, had been with the physician the preceding day, and + made arrangements with him for the reception of an insane + patient.—It was now discovered that she had come under a + fictitious name; had retreated in the hired vehicle with the + mercer's property; and had adopted this curious stratagem, + the more effectually to silence suspicion and prevent + detection. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[189]</span> This detail threw the Squire into a + train of rumination, on the tricks and chicanery of metropolitan + adventurers; while Dashall amused himself with the breakfast-table + concomitant, the newspaper. A few minutes only elapsed, when he laid it + aside, approached the window, and seeing a funeral pass, in procession, + along the street, he turned towards his Cousin, and interrupted his + reverie with the following extemporaneous address:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Dost thou observe," he said, "yon sable tribe + Of death anticipates?—These are they + Who, when men die, rejoice! all others else + Of human kind, shed o'er departed friends + The tear of reminiscence; these prowlers + Hunt after Death, and fatten on his prey! + Mark now their measur'd steps, solemn and slow, + And visage of each doleful form, that wears + The semblance of distress; they mourn for hire, + And tend the funeral rites with hearts of stone! + Their souls of apathy would never feel + A moment's pang were Death at one fell sweep, + Even all their relatives to hurl from earth!— + Knaves there exist among them who defraud + The grave for sordid lucre; who will take + The contract price for hurrying to the tomb + The culprit corse the victim of the law, + But lay it where? Think'st thou in sacred ground! + No! in the human butcher's charnel-house! + Who pleas'd, reserves the felon for the knife, + And bribes the greater villain with a fee!" +</pre> + <p> + Cousin Bob was very much surprised by this sudden effusion, and inquiring + the source of inspiration, Dashall put into his hands the newspaper, + pointing to the following extraordinary communication, extracted + verbatim.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The King v. Cundick.—This was an indictment against the + defendant, undertaker to the Horsemonger-lane gaol, for a + mis-demeanour, in corruptly selling for dissection the body + of a capital convict, after he had been executed, contrary + to his duty, in viola-tion of public decency, and the + scandal of religion. There were various counts in the + indictment, charging the offence in different ways. The + defendant pleaded Not Guilty. + + The case excited considerable interest, as well for its + unprecedented novelty as the singularity of its + circumstances. It was a public prosecution at the instance + of the Magistracy of the County. + + Mr. Nolan and Mr. Bolland conducted the case for the Crown; + and Mr. Adolphus, Mr. Turton, and Mr. Ryland, were for + the defence. + + It appeared in evidence that a capital convict, named Edward + Lee, who had been tried and found guilty at the last + Croydon Assizes, of a highway robbery, was publicly executed + at Horse-monger-lane gaol, on Monday, the 10th of September. + After he was cut down he was delivered over to the + defendant, the appointed carpenter and undertaker of the + gaol, for interment at the County's expense, for which he + was allowed three guineas. He received particular + directions that the afflicted mother and other friends of + the deceased were to be permitted to see the body before + inter-ment, and follow it to the grave, if they thought + proper. The friends of the deceased called on the + defendant, who lives in Redcross-street, to know when the + funeral would take place. He appointed the following day, + Tuesday, the 11th of September. The unhappy mother of the + deceased, being confined to her bed, was unable to attend + the funeral, but sent a friend to the house of the defendant + to see the body, and cut a lock of its hair. Application + being made to the defendant for this purpose, he said he had + already buried the body, because he could not keep such + people any longer in his house. The friend demanded a + certificate of the funeral, which he promised to procure on + a subsequent day, upon paying a fee. On the Thursday + following the uncle of the deceased called for a certificate + of the burial, but could not get it, the de-fendant then + saying that the body had been buried the day before. The + friends then became clamorous, and complaint being made to + Mr. Walter, the gaoler, he sent repeatedly for the defendant + to come to the gaol and explain his conduct, which he + declined. At length one of the turnkeys was sent after + him on the Friday, with positive directions to bring him + forthwith. As soon as the de-fendant found that he was + compelled to go to Mr. Walter, he made an excuse, that he + had some immediate business to attend to, but would meet the + messenger in an hour at a neighbouring public-house. To + this the turnkey consented, but watched the defendant to his + house, where he saw two or three suspicious looking men + lurking about. After waiting for some time, the defendant + came to him, and expressed his surprise that he was not gone + to the public-house. The defendant appeared agitated, and + went off as hard as he could towards the Southwark Iron + Bridge. A person named Crisp, who was with the turnkey, + went one way after the defendant, and the turnkey another. + The latter went to Crawford's burial ground, where he saw + the same suspicious looking man whom he had observed about + the defendant's house, in the act of interring a coffin. + He immediately interposed, and said the coffin should not be + buried until he examined its contents. At this moment + the defendant came into the burying-ground, and + seemed angry at the interruption, and begged he + might be allowed to inter the body, which he acknowledged + was Edward Lee; and excused himself for not burying it + before, by saying, that the pressure of other business + prevented him. The turnkey remonstrated with him for + disobedience of the orders he had received to permit the + friends of the deceased to see the body and attend the + funeral. The defendant seemed greatly perplexed: at length + he took hold of Crisp and the turnkey by the sleeve, and, + with considerable agitation, offered them 10L. each to + permit him to bury the coffin, and say no more about the + matter. This was peremptorily refused. The turnkey insisted + upon opening the coffin, and whilst the defendant went to + explain his conduct to Mr. Walter, he did open it, and found + that it contained nothing but earth. It appeared that the + defendant had been applying to the sexton in the course of + the week for a certificate of the burial, but was unable to + succeed, the body not having been buried. Search was then + made for the body, and at length it was traced to Mr. + Brooks's dissecting rooms in Blenheim-street, Marlborough- + street, where it had undergone a partial dissection. The + upper part of the scull had been removed, but replaced. + Several persons identified the body as that of Edward Lee. + It was proved that about ten o'clock in the evening of + Tuesday, the 11th September, a hackney-coach had stopped at + the defendant's house, and the defendant was seen assisting + two men in lifting a large hamper into the carriage, which + then drove off. This was the substance of the case for the + prosecution. + + Mr. Adolphus, in an able and ingenious address to the Jury, + contended that the indictment must fail, inasmuch as the + evidence did not satisfy the allegation in the indictment, + that the defendant had sold the body for lucre and gain. Now + there was no proof whatever that it had been sold, which + might have easily been made out, if the fact was so, by + summoning Mr. Brooks, the anatomist. The real fact was, that + the body had been stolen by other persons from the + defendant's house, and the defendant had been driven to the + miserable shifts proved in evidence, in order to conceal the + misfortune, and prevent the loss of his lucrative situation + in the gaol. + + No witnesses to facts were called for the defendant; but + several persons gave him a good character for honesty and + industry. + + The Jury, under the learned Judge's directions, found the + defendant Guilty. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[192]</span> The Squire having perused this + appalling account of human depravity, expressed himself in energetic terms + of indignation against the miscreant, who to the acute miseries of + maternal affliction at the premature loss of a son, and by such a death! + could add the bitter anguish of consigning his cold remains, unseen by any + earthly spirit of sympathy, to the knife of the dissector, in breach of + every law moral and divine! In the warmth of his kindly feelings, the + Squire would have uttered a curse, had he not been prevented by the + entrance of his old friend, Sir Felix O'Grady. The two friends received + their quondam acquaintance with much cordiality. "Cuish la mevchree! + exclaimed the Baronet, shaking heartily the hands of Tom and Bob; "and how + have you done these many long days past?"—This inquiry having been + satisfactorily answered, Sir Felix explained the object of his visit:—"Aunts + of all sorts, or any sort, or no sort at all at all," said he, "are cursed + bad things, sure enough; as somebody in the play says." + </p> + <p> + This abrupt commencement excited the risible feelings of Dashall and his + Cousin, which were further stimulated by Sir Felix seriously appealing to + their commiseration, under the pressure of misfortune,—"for this + same respectable maiden lady, Mrs. Judith Macgilligan, my venerable aunt + as aforesaid, has recently imported her antiquated piece of virginity from + her native mountains near Belfast, and having had my address pat enough, + the worse luck, the sowl, with an affected anxiety for my welfare, must + take up her residence, while in town, in the same house with her dutiful + nephew, that she may have the opportunity of watching over him in his + erratic pursuits, as she says, with maternal solicitude; that is, in other + words, to spy into all my actions, and bore me everlastingly with her + intolerable company. It was but the blessed morning of yesterday that she + took a fancy to exhibit her beautiful person at the lounge in Bond-street;—by-the-bye, + this same paragon of perfection has passed her grand climacteric, being on + the wrong side of sixty;—is as thin as a lath and as tall as a + May-pole;—speaks an indescribable language of the mongrel kind, + between Irish and Scotch, of which she is profuse to admiration; and + forgetting the antiquity of her person, prides herself on the antiquity of + her ancestry so much, that she is said to bear a strong resemblance to her + grandmother, judging from the full-length portrait (painted seventy years + ago,) of that worthy progenitor of our family, who was a descendent, + lineally, from O'Brien king of Ulster, that she copies her dress on all + public occasions, to the great amusement and edification of the + spectators; and in these venerable habiliments she promenaded Bond-street, + hanging on my arm;—by the Powers, till I felt ashamed of my precious + charge, for all the world was abroad, and my reverend aunt was the + universal magnet of attraction." + </p> + <p> + "Well, and you find yourself comfortable," said Dashall,—"we have + all of us foibles, and why expect your aunt to be exempted from them?—Have + you any thing in expectance,—is she rich?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[193]</span> "Twenty thousand pounds, twice told," + replied Sir Felix, "sterling money of Great Britain, in which I have a + reversionary interest." + </p> + <p> + "Why then," said Tallyho, "you cannot do better than contribute all in + your power to her ease and pleasure; and in exercising this commendable + duty, you will gain present satisfaction, and may justly anticipate future + benefit." + </p> + <p> + "And," added Dashall, "if my Cousin or myself can by any means further + your object, in contributing towards the full attainment of your aunt's + amusement while she remains in town, you may command our services." + </p> + <p> + "By the powers of fortune," exclaimed the Baronet, "you have just given me + the opportunity I was wishing for; that is, I had a favour to ask, but + which I could not find courage enough to do, notwithstanding my native + assurance, until now. You must know, then, that on Easter Monday, the + illustrious Judith Macgilligan, descendant lineally from O'Brien king of + Ulster, means to honour the Civic entertainment with her sublime presence, + and grace the Ball at the Mansion-house in a dress resembling that of her + grandmother the princess, worn seventy years ago. Now, my dear friends, + having pledged yourselves to contribute all in your power towards the + pleasure of my venerable aunt, which of you will be her partner for the + evening?" + </p> + <p> + The pause of a moment was succeeded by a hearty laugh; Tallyho had no + objections to the hand, as a partner at the ball, of Miss Judith + Macgilligan, even should she choose to array herself after the manner of + the princess her grandmother. But Dashall observing that as no masque + balls were given at the Mansion-house, it would be necessary that Miss + Macgilligan should forego her intention of appearing otherwise than in + modern costume. Sir Felix undertook to arrange this point with his + relative, and in the name and on behalf of Squire Tallyho, of + Belville-hall, to engage the distinguished honour of her hand at the + ensuing Mansion-house Ball. This important affair having been + satisfactorily adjusted, it was proposed by Dashall that, as his Cousin + and the Baronet had neither of them ever been present at the Epping Hunt + on Easter Monday, they should form themselves into a triumvirate for the + purpose of enjoying that pleasure on the morrow. The Squire having in town + <span class="pagenum">[194]</span> two hunters from his own stud, embraced + the proposition with the avidity of a true sportsman, and Sir Felix + declining the offer of one of these fleet-footed coursers, it was agreed + they should be under the guidance of Tom and Bob, and that Sir Felix + should accompany them, mounted on his own sober gelding, early in the + morning, to the field of Nimrod, from which they purposed to return to + town in sufficient time to witness other holiday sports, before dressing + for the entertainment at the Mansion-house. + </p> + <p> + These preliminaries settled, and Sir Felix agreeing to take a pot-luck + dinner with his two friends, the trio resolved on a morning lounge of + observation, and sallying forth, took their way along Piccadilly + accordingly. + </p> + <p> + Although it was Sunday morning, this street presented, with the exception + of the shops being closed, nearly the same appearance of bustle as on any + other day; the number of pedestrians was not apparently less, and of + equestrians and carriage-occupants, an increase; the two latter + description of the ton, actually or would-be, passing onwards to the + general Sunday rendezvous, Hyde-Park, where Real Life in London is + amusingly diversified; and where may be seen frequently, amongst the + promiscuous promenaders of the Mall, a prince of the blood-royal + undistinguishable by external ornament from any of the most humble in the + moving panorama; while an endless succession of carriages, in which are + seated, what England beyond any other country may proudly boast of, some + of the most beautiful women in the world, present the observer with an + enlivening theme of admiration; and, together with the mounted exhibiters, + from the man of fashion on the "pampered, prancing steed," to the youth of + hebdomadary emancipation on "the hacked Bucephalus of Rotten Row," form an + assemblage at once ludicrous and interesting. + </p> + <p> + Having circumambulated the "Ring," our triumvirate returned by the gate in + Piccadilly, and crossing from thence to Constitution-hill, Dashall pointed + out to his companions the seat, as now fixed upon (on the summit of the + Green Park) of a Military Pillar, intended to be raised in commemoration + of the many victories achieved by British valour in the last war. "This + plan, if properly carried into effect by the erection (said Dashall) of a + column equal in splendor of execution <span class="pagenum">[195]</span> + with the glory it is meant to record, will be the greatest ornament of the + metropolis." + </p> + <p> + "If again," added the Squire, "it does not prove like some other recent + projections, a Castle in the air!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Tallyho probably alludes to the long meditated Monument in + memory of the late Princess Charlotte, towards the memory of + which a very large sum of money was raised by public + subscription. +</pre> + <p> + Without any other occurrence worthy of remark, the perambulators reached + home, and enjoyed the comfortable quietude of an excellent domestic + dinner, without interruption. Every arrangement having been made for the + amusements of next day, the party broke up, Sir Felix returning to his + lodgings, to gladden the heart of Miss Judith Macgilligan with the + anticipation of conquest; and Dashall and Tallyho retiring to early + repose, that they might encounter the business of the morning with + recruited renovation.—Next day + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The feathered songster chanticleer + Had wound his bugle horn, + And told the early villager + The coming of the morn;— +</pre> + <p> + When the Baronet made his appearance "on a milk-white steed," before the + mansion of Dashall. In a few moments the friendly trio were assembled in + the breakfast-parlour, and partook of a hasty repast while the coursers + from the Belville-stud, destined to perform a prominent part in the + forthcoming adventures of the day, were getting in readiness. The + preparations were soon completed,—the hunters, two noble animals, + were brought to the door, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Each "with neck like a rainbow, erecting his crest, + Paniper'd, prancing and pleas'd, his head touching his breast." + "Saddle White Surrey for the field to-morrow," +</pre> + <p> + was the order of Richard," said the Baronet; "but had he been in + possession of such a horse as either of these, 'White Surrey' might have + gone to the devil." + </p> + <p> + "I'll warrant them both, sound, wind and limb, and gentle to boot," said + the Squire,—"Come then, if you wish to be well-mounted, and would + really look like a "baron bold," seat yourself fearlessly on either, and + bear yourself through the streets of London with the dignity <span + class="pagenum">[196]</span> befitting a true, magnanimous and puissant + knight of Munster!"—This address had the desired effect,—it + implied a doubt of the Baronet's courage, and he seated himself on the + "gallant steed" immediately.—Tom and Bob at same time betook + themselves, the former to the other "high mettled racer," and the latter + to the unassuming rejected Rosinante of Sir Felix. A trifling delay, + however, occurred; the stirrups of the Baronet's charger were too short, + and he alighted while the groom repaired the defect. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Now see him mounted once again + Upon his nimble steed; + Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, + With caution and good heed. +</pre> + <p> + Whether, like the Calenderer's horse under the its guidance of the + celebrated John Gilpin, the disdainful steed now in the management of Sir + Felix, "wondered what thing he'd got upon his back," we are not competent + to decide; but he certainly in his progress "o'er the stones" manifested + frequent impatience of restraint. These symptoms of contumaciousness were + nevertheless borne by the Baronet without complaint,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Till finding soon a smoother road + Beneath its well-shod feet, + The snorting beast began to trot, + Which galled him in his seat. +</pre> + <p> + And, as if intuitively knowing the incapacity of his rider to restrain + him, and despising curb and rein, the indignant animal set off at full + speed, to the great dismay of Dashall and the Squire, who putting their + horses to the pith of their mettle, hurried after their friend with the + utmost solicitude. Luckily, however, the career of the spirited animal was + impeded, and finally stopped, by the frequent interposition of the + passengers on the road, and the Baronet was safely set down, ready to + exclaim with Hawser Trunnion, "If ever I get astride the back of such + another harum scarum son of a bitch again, my name is not Felix O'Grady." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0006" id="link3image-0006"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page196.jpg" alt="Page196 Easter Hunt " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The pursuers speedily rejoined the pursued, and felt happy in the + knowledge of his welfare. The abashment of the baronet, occasioned by this + untoward adventure, soon gave way to his characteristic good-humour; and + <span class="pagenum">[197]</span> having resigned all further government + of the Squire's unruly quadruped, and resumed possession of his own, the + triumvirate proceeded towards the place of destination. + </p> + <p> + In the meanwhile, the city horsemen arose with Phoebus, to mount their + rosinantes, to be present at the enlargement of the stag, and were roused + from their slumbers according to order by the watchmen. The motley group, + that was early in the field, furnished a capital subject for the + caricaturist. Carts, horses, lame mares, and refractory donkies, with + their grotesque riders, covered the field, together with dandies in + chaises, and the lassies from St. Giles's, Chick-lane, Wapping, and St. + Catherine's, in market carts, with their sweet-hearts, considerably + swelled the number of the hunters. The stag was decorated with bunches of + ribbons, and seemed when enlarged much more frightened at the appearance + of the Londoners, than at the hounds, his natural enemies. When the chase + commenced, never was witnessed such a scene of confusion and disorder. + Upset carts, and unhorsed huntsmen, were seen in all directions. The stag + went off in good style, and out of hundreds of horsemen, not above a dozen + were able to keep their seats, but a number of fellows were on the lurk to + take care of the stray horses. + </p> + <p> + After a cursory glance at the variegated and boisterous assemblage, the + stag bounded forward with the velocity of lightning, amidst the astounding + shouts of the multitude, and was instantly followed by his biped and + quadruped foes of indescribable diversity, from the amateur of the turf on + his spirited and well caparisoned steed, to the spavined gelding, bearing + its cockney rider, and numerous other <i>annual</i> equestrians, preceded + by every description of the canine race, from the high bred beagle to the + "cur of low degree." All was tumultuous dissonance, and confusion worse + confounded. Tallyho enjoyed the scene to the very acme of delight, and + giving the reins to his experienced courser, high in blood, and eager for + accustomed exercise, the noble animal accompanied by its companion under + the guidance of Dashall, started off with unrivalled celerity, and in a + few moments set all competition at defiance. Sir Felix, in an attempt to + follow his friends, leaped a fence, but gaining the opposite side, horse + and rider came to the ground: fortunately neither of them sustained any + injury.—Sir Felix, <span class="pagenum">[198]</span> however, on + regaining his footing, found that his horse, which had gone forward, was + in possession of a stranger, who losing his own, had availed himself of + this opportunity of remounting, and now pursued his way bare-headed; for + the wind had uncourteously uncovered his pericranium, and he abandoned his + castor to its fate rather than by stopping to pick it up, risque the + restitution of his prize, and the wrath of the baronet, who stood + spell-bound against the fence, vociferously demanding his gelding, and + extending his arm in reiterated denunciation of vengeance. The + unceremonious intruder turning round on the saddle, without slackening his + career.—" Bide you where you are, my fine fellow," he provokingly + exclaimed, "until the chase is over, and your gelding shall then be + forthcoming." If the sense of misfortune is alleviated by seeing it + participated by others, the baronet had ample fund of consolation, for + numbers around him were involved in similar calamity. He profited too, by + an admirable lesson of patience under disaster. On the right of his + runaway gelding, and its rider, he perceived a dismounted horseman, + quietly submitting to adversity, by seating himself on a bank, while his + unburthened steed pursued the chase with unabating celerity, leaving its + owner to wait, at leisure, its return. Two cockney equestrians now + approached, at full speed, the fence where Sir Felix still stood, in the + attitude of remonstrance and irritation; and attempting the leap, one, + like the baronet, gained the opposite side, but with a less successful + result; for the rider was pitched over with some violence, with his heels + aloft in the air, as if about to perambulate the field on his hands, while + his horse came to the ground on its face and knees, suspended by its hind + legs from the upper bar of the fence, and vainly essaying at extrication. + The other cockney sportsman was similarly situated: his horse had not + cleared the fence, neither had the rider, although he had reached the neck + of his rosinante in his progress to the opposite side; in this position he + assumed a permanent aspect, for his horse rested with his fore-legs over + the fence, and seemed incapable of either retrograding or proceeding. + These lessons taught the baronet resignation in mishap; the result of + which was the return, in about an hour, of his friends Tom and Bob, to his + great comfort, which was further increased by their bringing with them his + gelding, having recognized the animal <span class="pagenum">[199]</span> + in the possession of a stranger, who, on their claiming it as belonging to + Sir Felix O'Grady, very readily gave it up, saying, that the baronet had + not forgot in the midst of his threats, frequently to announce his name, + and hoping that he would excuse him for having resorted to the privilege + which every person claims on this day, of taking care of the stray horses. + The party now fully satisfied with the humours and disasters of the Easter + Hunt, turned their steeds homewards, and journeying unimpeded, + notwithstanding the throng of the road, they quickly gained town, without + the occurrence of any other memorable incident. + </p> + <p> + Having reached the mansion of Dashall, Sir Felix acquainted Tallyho with + the success of his mission respecting the hand, as a partner, at the + Mansion-house Ball, of the august descendant of the Kings of Ulster, the + sage and venerable Miss Judith Macgilligan. "O, the beautiful <i>illustrissimo</i>! + the sweet crature" exclaimed the baronet, "with commendable care of her + virgin purity, and fair unsullied fame, is tenacious of etiquette, and + insists that she shall be asked with all due form and respect, (after I + have introduced your Squireship to the honour of her notice) at the + Mansion-house. By my conscience, I believe she is in love with your + character, and no doubt will prove desperately so with your person. Faith + and troth now, she is both too young and too old for matrimony; too young, + because she may live to torment you these twenty years to come, which is a + penance no sprightly lad should voluntarily undergo for all her fortune; + and too old, being in all respects disqualified by age, for the important + object of marriage, which was instituted for the procreation of children." + </p> + <p> + "My dear sir," rejoined the Squire, "immaculate may the lady remain in her + person and property, I have no views on either." + </p> + <p> + "By the powers of charity retract that 'stern decree,'" exclaimed the + baronet, "would you break the heart of the love-sick nymph, by chilling + indifference to the potency of her charms and the magnitude of her + fortune? However, all joking apart, my good friends, will you do my aunt + and your humble servant the honour of calling at our lodgings; we shall + wait your coming and proceed together to the civic entertainment?" This + was agreed to;—the baronet retired, and the two cousins having the + best part of the day still before them, set out on a stroll to + Tothill-fields Fair, with the view of ascertaining Real Life in + Westminster, amongst the middle and lower orders of its extensive + population. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[200]</span> Crossing St. James's Park, our two + observers soon reached the scene of jollity. Here, as in all the fairs + held in London, and its vicinity, was a vast assemblage of idlers, + including both sexes and all ages. "They talk of the severity of the + times," said Dashall, "and the distress of the lower orders of society; I + cannot say, however, that I have witnessed any semblance of distress or + privation amongst such in this metropolis to the extent represented,1 in + the whole course of my observation. These fairs, for instance, more + properly marts of iniquity, are crammed to excess; and in pursuit of low + enjoyment there appears no deficiency of pecuniary means. In all these + resorts of dissipation, not only the shows are filled with spectators, but + the booths and neighbouring public-houses are crowded with male and female + revellers." + </p> + <p> + The Squire acquiesced in the correctness of his friend's remark, and both + coincided in opinion that the regular daily public places of amusement in + the metropolis afford ample opportunity for rational recreation, + independent of the continuance of fairs, which have no other tendency than + facilitating the progress of licentiousness. + </p> + <p> + Dashall observed, that on the present occasion, in the midst of so much + alleged distress,-the booths and shows of Tothill-fields Fair were much + more extensive than in former years. "We must, however," said he, + "although the evil continues, do the Magistrates the justice to say that + they have acted meritoriously in preventing the erection of those + dangerous machines named round-abouts, by which, at former fairs, many + serious accidents were occasioned." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0007" id="link3image-0007"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page200.jpg" alt="Page200 Donkey Cart Race " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + While Ton and Bob were quizzing the costermongers and the Venuses, they in + their turn were queered out of their wipes; thus another cogent argument + was afforded as to the necessity of suppressing these nuisances, as being + the rendezvous of infamy, and the harvest of depredation. The visitors + appeared in all their glory, as elegant and boisterous as usual; the + consumption of gin and gingerbread was apparently prodigious, and the + great luxury amongst the fashionables was fried sausages and the bolting + of oysters with sugar for wagers. Having lost their wipes, the two friends + resolved at least to save <span class="pagenum">[201]</span> their + tattlers; and having seen a sufficiency of Westminster jollification, they + left the fair to those visitors who might better appreciate its enjoyment. + </p> + <p> + Returning home, they were not encountered by farther mischance, and having + shortly reached their destination, and dressed for the evening gala, a + chariot was ordered, and they were set down at the lodgings of Sir Felix + O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + The baronet introduced his two friends to his aunt, with much affected + form, and with an arch leer of expression, which, on an occasion of minor + import, would have excited the risibility of Bob, but this was no laughing + affair; the presentation therefore was conducted with all due solemnity, + and Miss Judith Macgilligan received him with a maidenish diffidence and + complacency, yet with the dignity becoming a descendant of O'Brien, King + of Ulster. + </p> + <p> + Having partaken of a slight repast, the party drove off, in the lady's + temporary vehicle, and rattling rapidly along the streets, were in a very + short time arrived at the Mansion-house. The company was select and + elegant; the ladies particularly, might vie in splendour of ornament and + fascination of personal charms, with first rate beauties of the west; and + what gave the entertainment a superior zest above every other + consideration, was the condescending affability of the Civic Queen, who + received her numerous and delighted guests with a truly hospitable, yet + dignified politeness; nor was there any deficiency on the part of her + lord; all that the most excellent arrangements and the most minute + attention could accomplish was done, to the entire gratification and + comfort of the company.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Easter Amusements.—Mansion-house. The customary Easter + Civic Dinner and Ball were given at the Mansion-house. A + material alteration was effected in the entertainment upon + this occasion, by considerably abridging the number of + cards, which it was the practice hitherto to issue. The Lady + Mayoress received the company before dinner in the ball + room; in dis-charging which office her ladyship displayed + much ease and elegance of manner. The company adjourned to + the Egyptian Hall to dinner, at about half-past six o'clock. + They consisted of Lord Viscount Sidmouth, the Earl of + Shaftesbury, Mr. Peel, and some other members of the + Ministry, the Lords Bishop of London and Landaff, and other + church dignitaries; the Lords Chief Justices of England, and + the Court of Common Pleas; the Vice Chancellor, several of + the diplomatic corps, as well as the leading Members of the + Senate and the Army, and other gentlemen of distinction, her + Grace the Duchess of Rutland, and several ladies of rank, in + all about three hundred and fifty individuals of both sexes. + There were five tables laid out in the hall, which from + being prettily ornamented with festoons of flowers attached + to pillars along the centre of each, had an extremely + picturesque appearance upon entering the room. After dinner + the usual toasts were drank, and the respective parties + present returned thanks. Messrs. Pyne, Broadhurst, and other + professional gentle-men, sung several songs and glees in + their happiest style. At a little after nine o'clock the + Lady Mayoress and the ladies with-drew, and the gentlemen + shortly afterwards rejoined them in the ball-room. + + At a little before ten o'clock, the ball-room was prepared, + and in a short time the most distinguished of the guests + repaired thither. The dresses of the ladies were in general + particularly elegant. The ball was opened by two of the + younger daughters of the Lord Mayor, Misses Ann and Harriett + Magnay, who danced the minuet de la cour in so elegant and + finished a manner, as elicited general approbation. The + quadrilles were led off by the Duke de Cazes and Baron + Langsdorff, and were continued with the greatest spirit + throughout the night. The centre tables in the Egyptian Hall + were removed for the accommodation of the company, but the + side tables were retained, and refreshments served out from + them in abundance. + + We believe that in the general participation of pleasure + there existed one solitary exception only, in the person of + Miss Judith Macgilligan. It unfortunately happened that an + opportunity offered not for the display of her graces in the + dance. She then became peevishly taciturn, complained of + indisposition, and expressing a desire of returning home, + the gentlemen consequently assented, and the party left the + Mansion-house at an earlier hour than they had either + anticipated or desired. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[203]</span> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link42HCH0001" id="link42HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "All London is full of vagaries, + Of bustle of splendour and show, + At every turn the scene varies, + Whether near, or still further we go. + Each lane has a character in it, + Each street has its pauper and beau: + And such changes are making each minute, + Scarce one from the other we know. + The in and out turnings of life, + Few persons can well understand; + But in London the grand source of strife, + Is of fortune to bear the command. + Yet some who are high up to day, + Acknowledged good sober and witty, + May to-morrow be down in decay, + In this great and magnanimous city." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[203]</span> "Apropos," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, + laying down the Times newspaper after breakfast, "a fine opportunity is + offered to us to day, for a peep at the Citizens of London in their + Legislative Assembly, a Court of Common Council is announced for twelve + o'clock, and I think I can promise you much of entertaining information, + by paying a visit at Guildhall and its vicinity. We have several times + passed it with merely taking a view of its exterior, but the interior is + equally deserving of attention, particularly at a period when it is graced + by the personages and appendages which constitute its state and dignity. + London is generally spoken of as the first commercial city in the known + world, and its legislators, as a corporate body, becomes a sort of + rallying post for all others in the kingdom. We have plenty of time before + us, and may lounge a little as we march along to amuse or refresh + ourselves at leisure." "With all my heart," said Tallyho, "for I have + heard much about the Lord Mayor, the Sword Bearer, and the Common Hunt, + all in a bustle,—though I have never yet had an opportunity of + seeing any of them." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[204]</span>"They are interesting subjects, I can + assure you, so come along, we will take a view of these <i>Gogs</i> and <i>Magogs</i> + of civic notoriety," and thus saying, they were quickly on the road for + the city. The morning being fine, they took their way down St. James's + Street, at the bottom of which their ears were attracted by the sounds of + martial music approaching. + </p> + <p> + "We have nicked the time nicely indeed," said Dashall, "and may now enjoy + a musical treat, before we proceed to the oratorical one. The Guards in + and about the Palace, are relieved every morning about this time, for + which purpose they are usually mustered at the Horse-Guards, in the Park, + where they are paraded in regular order, and then marched here. It forms a + very pleasing sight for the cockney loungers, for those out of employ, and + those who have little inclination to be employed; and you see the crowds + that are hastening before them, in order to obtain admission to Palace + Yard, before their arrival—let us join the throng; there is another + detachment stationed there ready to receive them, and while they are + relieving the men actually on duty, the two bands alternately amuse the + officers and the bye-standers with some of the most admired Overtures and + Military Airs." + </p> + <p> + They now passed the gate, and quickly found themselves in a motley group + of all descriptions, crowding to the seat of action, and pouring in from + various avenues. Men, women, and children, half-drill'd drummers, + bandy-legged fifers, and suckling triangle beaters, with bags of books and + instruments in their hands to assist the band. The colours were mounted as + usual on a post in the centre, the men drawn up in ranks, and standing at + ease, while the officers were pacing backwards and forwards in the front, + arm-in-arm with each other, relating the rencontres of the preceding day, + or those in anticipation of the ensuing. This order of things was however + quickly altered, as the relieving party entered, and at the word + "attention," every officer was at his post, and the men under arms. Our + friends now moved under the piazzas so as to be in the rear of the party + who had the first possession, and after hearing with great admiration the + delightful airs played by the two bands, which had been the principal + object of attraction with them—they proceeded through the Park and + reached Charing Cross, by the way of Spring Gardens. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[205]</span> "Zounds," said Tallyho, "this is a very + unworthy entrance to a Royal Park." + </p> + <p> + "Admitted, it is so," was the reply, "and a degradation to the splendid + palace, I mean internally, which is so close to it, and which is the + present residence of Majesty." They now proceeded without any thing + further of consequence worthy of remark, till they reached + Villiers-street. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Tom, "I perceive we shall have time to take a look at the + world below as well as the world above; "when crossing into the Adelphi, + and suddenly giving another turn, he entered what to Bob appeared a + cavern, and in one moment was obscured from his sight.—"Hallo," said + Tallyho, "where the devil are you leading me to?"—"Never mind," was + the reply; "keep on the right side, and you are safe enough; but if you + get into the centre, beware of the Slough of Despond—don't be + afraid." + </p> + <p> + Upon this assurance Bob groped his way along for a few paces, and at a + distance could discover the glimmering of a lamp, which seemed but to make + darkness more visible. Keeping his eye upon the light, and more engrossed + with the idea of his own safety in such a place than any thing else, for + he could neither conjecture where he was nor whence he was going, he + presently came in violent contact with a person whom he could not see, and + in a moment found himself prostrate on the ground. + </p> + <p> + "Hallo," cried a gruff voice, which sounded through the hollow arches of + the place with sepulchral tone—"who the devil are you—why + don't you mind where you go—you must not come here with your eyes in + your pocket;" and at the same time he heard a spade dug into the earth, + which almost inspired him with the idea that he should be buried alive. + </p> + <p> + "Good God protect," (exclaimed Bob,) "where is Dashall—where am I?" + </p> + <p> + "Where are you—why you're in the mud to be sure—and for aught + I know, Dashall and all the rest may be in the clouds; what business have + you dashing here—we have enough of the Dandies above, without having + them below—what have you lost your way, or have you been <i>nibbling</i> + in the light, and want to hide yourself—eh?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[206]</span> "Neither, neither, I can assure you; + but I have been led here, and my friend is on before." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, well, if that's the case, get up, and I'll hail him, —ey-ya-ap"—cried + he, in a voice, which seemed like thunder to our fallen hero, and which + was as quickly answered by the well known voice of his Cousin, who in a + few minutes was at his elbow. + </p> + <p> + "What now," vociferated Tom, "I thought I gave you instructions how to + follow, and expected you was just behind me." + </p> + <p> + "Why for the matter of that," cried the unknown, "he was not before you, + that's sartin; and he knocked himself down in the mud before ever I spoke + to him, that's all I know about it—but he don't seem to understand + the navigation of our parts." + </p> + <p> + "I don't wonder at that," replied Tom; "for he was never here before in + his life—but there is no harm done, is there?" + </p> + <p> + "None," replied Bob; "all's right again now—so proceed." + </p> + <p> + "Nay," replied the unknown, "all's not right yet; for if as how this is + your first appearance in the shades below, it is but fair you should come + down." + </p> + <p> + "Down," said Bob, "why I have been down—you knock'd me down." + </p> + <p> + "Well, never mind, my master, I have set you on your pins again; and + besides that, I likes you very well, for you're down as a hammer, and up + again like a watch-box—but to my thinking a drap o'somut good would + revive you a little bit; and I should like to drink with you—for you + ought to pay your footing." + </p> + <p> + "And so he shall," continued Tom—"So come along, my lad." + </p> + <p> + By this time Bob had an opportunity of discovering that the person he had + thus unfortunately encountered, was no other than a stout raw-boned + coalheaver, and that the noise he had heard was occasioned by his sticking + his pointed coal-shovel in the earth, with intention to help him up after + his fall. Pursuing their way, and presently turning to the right, Bob was + suddenly delighted by being brought from utter darkness into marvellous + light, presenting a view of the river, with boats and barges passing and + repassing with their usual activity. + </p> + <p> + "What place is this?" inquired Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[207]</span> "Before you," replied his Cousin, "is + the River Thames; and in the front you will find wharfs and warehouses for + the landing and housing of various merchandize, such as coals, fruit, + timber, &c.: we are now under the Adelphi Terrace, where many elegant + and fashionable houses are occupied by persons of some rank in society; + these streets, lanes, and subterraneous passages, have been constructed + for the convenience of conveying the various articles landed here into the + main streets of the metropolis, and form as it were a little world under + ground." + </p> + <p> + "And no bad world neither," replied the coalheaver, who upon inspection + proved to be no other than Bob Martlet, whom they had met with as one of + the <i>heavy wet</i> party at Charley's Crib—"For there is many a + family lives down here, and gets a good bit of bread too; what does it + signify where a man gets his bread, if he has but an honest appetite to + eat it with: aye, and though I say it, that house in the corner there, + just down by the water's edge, can supply good stuff at all times to wash + it down with, and that you know's the time of day, my master: this warm + weather makes one <i>dryish</i> like, don't it?" + </p> + <p> + Tom thought the hint dry enough, though Bob was declaring he was almost + wet through; however, they took their road to the Fox under the Hill, as + it is termed. On entering which a good fire presented itself, and Tallyho + placed himself in front of it, in order to dry his clothes, while Bob + Martlet was busy in inquiring of the landlord for a brush to give the + gemman a wipe down, as, he observed, he had a sort of a trip up in these + wild parts—though to be sure that there was no great wonder, for a + gentleman who was near sighted, and didn't wear spectacles; "however," + continued he, "there an't no harm done; and so the gemman and I are going + to drink together—arn't we, Sir?" + </p> + <p> + Tallyho, who by this time had got well roasted by the fire-side, nodded + his assent, and Dashall inquired what he would like. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[208]</span> "Why, my master, as for that, it's not + much matter to me; a drap of sky blue in a boulter of barley,{1} with a + dollop of sweet,{2} and a little saw dust,{3} is no bad thing according to + my thinking; but Lord bless you! if so be as how a gemman like you offers + to treat Bill Martlet, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 A boulter of barley—a drink—or a pot of porter. + + 2 A dollop of sweet—sugar. + + 3 Saw-dust—a cant term for ginger or nutmeg grated. +</pre> + <p> + why Bill Martlet never looks a gift horse in the mouth, you know, as the + old saying is; but our landlord knows how to make such rum stuff, as I + should like you to taste it—we call it hot, don't us, landlord?—Come, + lend us hold of the brush?" "Ave, and brush up, Mr. Landlord," said the + Hon. Tom Dashall; "let us have a taste of this nectar he's talking of, for + we have not much time to stop." + </p> + <p> + "Lord bless your eye sight," replied Martlet, "there an't no occasion + whatsomdever for your honours to stay—if you'll only give the order, + and push about the possibles, the business is all done. Come, shovel up + the sensible," continued he to the landlord, "mind you give us the real + double XX. I don't think your coat is any the worse, it would sarve me for + a Sunday swell toggery for a twelve-month to come yet; for our dirt down + here is as I may say clean dirt, and d———me if I don't + think it looks all the better for it." + </p> + <p> + "Thank you, my friend," said Bob; "that will do very well," and the + landlord having by this time completed his cookery, produced the good + stuff, as Martlet termed it. + </p> + <p> + "Come, gentlemen, this is the real right sort, nothing but the bang-up + article, arn't it, my master? But as I always likes the landlord to taste + it first, by way of setting a good example, just be after telling us what + you think of it." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," said the landlord; who declared it was as prime a pot + of hot as he had made for the last fortnight. . + </p> + <p> + With this recommendation our friends tried it; and after tipping, took + their departure, under the positive assurance of Martlet, that he should + be very glad to see them again at any time. + </p> + <p> + They now pursued their way through other subterraneous passages, where + they met waggons, carts, and horses, apparently as actively and usefully + employed as those above ground. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Tom, "we have suffered time to steal a inarch upon us," as + they reached the Strand; "we will therefore take the first" <i>rattler</i> + we can meet with, and make the best of our way for the City."—This + was soon accomplished, and jumping into the coach, the old <i>Jarvey</i> + was desired to drive them as expeditiously as possible to the corner of + King-street, Cheapside.<span class="pagenum">[209]</span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0002" id="link42HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "How wretched those who tasteless live, + And say this world no joys can give: + Why tempts yon turtle sprawling, + Why smoaks the glorious haunch, + Are these not joys still calling + To bless our mortal paunch? + O 'tis merry in the Hall + When beards wag all, + What a noise and what a din; + How they glitter round the chin; + Give me fowl and give me fish, + Now for some of that nice dish; + Cut me this, Sir, cut me that, + Send me crust, and send me fat. + Some for tit bits pulling hauling, + + Legs, wings, breast, head,—some for liquor, scolding, bawling, + Hock, port, white, red, here 'tis cramming, cutting, slashing, + There the grease and gravy splashing, + Look, Sir, look, Sir, what you've done, + Zounds, you've cut off the Alderman's thumb." +</pre> + <p> + The Hon. Tom Dashall, who was fully aware that City appointments for + twelve o'clock mean one, was nevertheless anxious to arrive at their place + of destination some time before the commencement of the business of the + day; and fortunately meeting with no obstruction on the road, they were + set down at the corner of King-street, about half-past twelve. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said he, "we shall now have time to look about us at leisure, and + observe the beauties of this place of civic festivity. The Hall you see in + front of you, is the place devoted to the entertainment usually given by + the Lord Mayor on his entrance upon the duties and dignities of his + office. It is a fine gothic building, in which the various courts of the + city are held. The citizens also meet there for the purpose of choosing + their representatives in Parliament, the Lord Mayor, Sheriffs, &c. It + was originally built in the year 1411, previous to which period the + public, or as they term it the Common Hall, was held at a small room in + Aldermanbury. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[210]</span> The expense Of the building was + defrayed by voluntary subscription, and its erection occupied twenty + years. It was seriously damaged by the fire of 1666, since which the + present edifice, with the exception of the new gothic front, has been + erected. That, however, was not finished till the year 1789, and many + internal improvements and decorations have been introduced since. There is + not much of attraction in its outward appearance. That new building on the + right has recently been erected for the accommodation of Meetings of + Bankrupts; and on the left is the Justice-Room, where the Aldermen attend + daily in rotation as magistrates to decide petty causes; but we must not + exhaust our time now upon them." + </p> + <p> + On entering the Hall, Tallyho appeared to be highly pleased with its + extent, and was presently attracted by the monuments which it contains. + "It is a noble room," said he.—"Yes," replied Tom, "this Hall is 153 + feet in length, 48 in breadth, and the height to the roof is 55." Tallyho + was, however, more engaged in examining the monument erected to the memory + of Lord Nelson, and an occasional glance at the two enormous figures who + stand at opposites, on the left of the entrance.—Having read the + tablet, and admired the workmanship of the former, he hastily turned to + the latter. "And who in the name of wonder are these?" he inquired. + </p> + <p> + "These," replied his communicative Cousin, "are called <i>Gog</i> and <i>Magog</i>. + They are two ancient giants carved in wood, one holding a long staff + suspending a ball stuck with pikes, and the other a halbert, supposed to + be of great antiquity, and to represent an ancient Briton and a Saxon. + They formerly used to stand on each side of that staircase which leads to + the Chamberlain's Office, the Courts of King's Bench and Common Pleas, the + Court of Aldermen, and the Common Council Chamber. At the other end are + two fine monuments, to the memory of Lord Chatham, the father of Mr. Pitt, + and his Son. The windows are fine specimens of the revived art of painting + on glass. There is also a monument of Mr. Beckford." + </p> + <p> + While they were taking a view of these several objects of curiosity, their + attention was suddenly attracted by a confused noise and bustle at the + door, which announced the arrival of the Lord Mayor and his attendants, + who passed them in state, and were followed by our friends to the Council + Chamber; on entering which, they were <span class="pagenum">[211]</span> + directed by the City Marshall, who guarded the door, to keep below the + bar. Tallyho gazed with admiration and delight on the numerous pictures + with which the Chamber is decorated, as well as the ceiling, which forms, + a dome, with a skylight in the centre. The Lord Mayor having first entered + the Court of Aldermen, the business of the day had not yet commenced. Tom + directed his Cousin's eye in the first instance to the very large and + celebrated painting by Copley, which fronts the Lord Mayor's chair, and + represents the destruction of the floating batteries before Gibraltar, to + commemorate the gallant defence of that place by General Elliott, + afterwards Lord Heath field, in 1782. The statue of the late King George + the Third; the death of David Rizzio, by Opie; the miseries of Civil War, + from Shakespeare; Domestic Happiness, exemplified in portraits of an + Alderman and his family; the death of Wat Tyler; the representation of the + Procession of the Lord Mayor to Westminster Hall, by water; and the + ceremony of swearing in the Lord Mayor at Guildhall, in 1781; containing + portraits of all the principal members of the Corporation of London at + that time. Meanwhile the benches were filling with the Deputies and Common + Councilmen from their several wards. At one o'clock, the Lord Mayor + entered the Court, attended by several Aldermen, who took their seats + around him, and the business of the day commenced. Among those on the + upper seats, Tom gave his Cousin to understand which were the most popular + of the Aldermen, and named in succession Messrs. Waithman, Wood, Sir + Claudius Stephen Hunter, Birch, Flower, and Curtis; and as their object + was not so much to hear the debates as to see the form and know the + characters, he proposed an adjournment from their present rather + uncomfortable situation, where they were obliged to stand wedged in, by + the crowd continually increasing, during which they could take a few more + observations, and he could give some little clue to the origin and present + situations of the persons to whom he had directed his Cousin's attention. + Making the best of their way out of the Court, they found themselves in an + anti-room, surrounded by marshalmen, beadles of Wards waiting for their + Aldermen, and the Lord Mayor's and Sheriffs' footmen, finding almost as + much difficulty to proceed, as they had before encountered. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[212]</span> Having struggled through this + formidable phalanx of judicial and state appendages, + </p> + <p> + "Now," said Dashall, "we shall be enabled to breathe again at liberty, and + make our observations without fear; for where we have just quitted, there + is scarcely any possibility of making a remark without having it snapped + up by newspaper reporters, and retailers of anecdotes; here, however, we + can indulge <i>ad libitum</i>." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied Tallyho, "and having seen thus far, I am a little + inquisitive to know more. I have, it is true, at times seen the names of + the parties you pointed out to me in the daily prints, but a sight of + their persons in their official stations excites stronger curiosity." + </p> + <p> + "Then," said Tom, "according to promise I will give you a sort of brief + sketch of some of them. The present Lord Mayor is a very eminent wholesale + stationer, carrying on an extensive trade in Queen-street; he ought to + have filled the chair before this, but some temporary circumstances + relative to his mercantile concerns induced him to give up his rotation. + He has since removed the obstacle, and has been elected by his + fellow-citizens to the high and important office of Chief Magistrate. I + believe he has not signalized himself by any remarkable circumstance, but + he has the character of being a worthy man. Perhaps there are few in the + Court of Aldermen who have obtained more deservedly the esteem of the + Livery of London, than Alderman Waithman, whose exertions have long been + directed to the correction of abuses, and who represented them as one of + their members during the last Parliament, when he displaced the mighty + Alderman Curtis. Waithman is of humble origin, and has, like many others + of Civic notoriety, worked his way by perseverance and integrity as a + linen-draper, to respectable independence, and the hearts of his + fellow-citizens: he has served the office of Sheriff, and during that time + acted with a becoming spirit at the death of the late Queen, by risking + his own life to save others. His political sentiments are on the + opposition side, consequently he is no favorite with ministers." + </p> + <p> + "And if he were," replied Tallyho, "that would scarcely be considered an + honour." + </p> + <p> + "True," continued Tom, "but then it might lead to profit, as it has done + with many others, though he appears to hold such very light. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[213]</span> "Alderman Wood has not yet been so + fortunate as the celebrated Whittington, whom you may recollect was thrice + Lord Mayor of London; but he has had the honour to serve that office + during two succeeding years: he is a member of Parliament, and his + exertions in behalf of the late Queen, if they have done him no great deal + of good among the higher powers, are at least honourable to his heart. + </p> + <p> + "Of Sir Claudius Stephen Hunter there is but little to be said, except + that he has served the office, and been a Colonel of the City Militia—led + off the ball at a Jew's wedding—used to ride a white charger—and + is so passionately fond of military parade, that had he continued another + year in the office, the age of chivalry would certainly have been revived + in the East, and knights-errant and esquires have completely superseded + merchants, traders, and shopkeepers. + </p> + <p> + "Alderman Birch is an excellent pastry-cook, and that perhaps is the best + thing that can be said of him: he has written some dramatic pieces; but + the pastry is beyond all comparison best of the two, and he needs no other + passport to fame, at least with his fellow-citizens. + </p> + <p> + "But last, though not least, under our present consideration, comes the + renowned Sir William, a plain bluff John Bull; he is said to be the son of + a presbyterian citizen, and was rigidly educated in his father's religion. + He obtained the alderman's gown, and represented the City in the year + 1790: he is a good natured, and, I believe, a good hearted man enough, + though he has long been a subject for satirical wit. He was Lord Mayor in + 1796: you may recollect what was related of him by the literary labourer + we met with in the Park—anecdotes and caricatures have been + published in abundance upon him: he may, however, be considered in various + points of view—as an alderman and a biscuit baker—as a + fisherman "— + </p> + <p> + "How!" cried Tallyho! + </p> + <p> + "Why, as a fisherman, he is the Polyphemus of his time. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "His rod was made out of the strongest oak, + His line a cable which no storm e'er broke, + His hook was baited with a dragon's tail, + He sat upon a rock and bobb'd for a whale." +</pre> + <p> + "Besides which," continued Dashall, "he is a great sailor; has a yacht of + his own, and generally accompanies + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[214]</span> Royalty on aquatic excursions. I + remember a laughable caricature, exhibiting the alderman in his own + vessel, with a turtle suspended on a pole, with the following lines, in + imitation of Black-eyed Susan, said to be written by Mr. Jekyll:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "All in the Downs the fleet lay moor'd, + The streamers waving in the wind, + When Castlereagh appeared on board, + 'Ah where shall I my Curtis find. + Tell me ye jovial sailors, tell me true, + Does my fat William sail among your crew.'" +</pre> + <p> + He is a banker, a loan-monger, and a contractor, a member of Parliament, + and an orator; added to which, he may be said to be a man of wit and + humour—at all events he is the cause of it in others. His first + occupations have procured him great wealth, and his wit and humour great + fame. + </p> + <p> + "The worthy Alderman's hospitality to the late good humoured and gossiping + James Boswell, the humble follower and biographer of Dr. Johnson, is well + known; and it is probable that the pleasures of the table, in which no man + more joyously engaged, shortened his life. To write the life of a great + man is no easy task, and to write that of a big one may be no less + arduous. Whether the Alderman really expected to be held up to future fame + by the Biographer of Johnson, cannot be very easily ascertained; however + that wish and expectation, if it ever existed, was completely frustrated + by the death of poor Boswell. + </p> + <p> + "I recollect to have seen some lines of the worthy Alderman, on the + glorious victory of the Nile, which shew at once his patriotism, his wit, + and his resolution, in that he is not to be laughed out of the memorable + toast he once gave— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Great Nelson, in the grandest stile, + Bore down upon the shores of Nile, + And there obtained a famous victory, + Which puzzled much the French Directory. + The impudence of them there fellows, + As all the newspapers do tell us, + Had put the grand Turk in a pet, + Which caus'd him send to Nelson an aigrette; + Likewise a grand pelisse, a noble boon— + Then let us hope—a speedy peace and soon."{1} + + 1 Whether the following lines are from the same hand or not, + we are unable to ascertain; at least they wear a great + similarity of character: + + I give you the three glorious C's. + + Our Church, Constitution, and King; + Then fill up three bumpers to three noble Vs. + Wine, Women, and Whale fish-ing. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[215]</span> "Egad," said Bob, "if this be true, he + appears to knock up rhymes almost as well as he could bake biscuits" + (smothering a laugh.) + </p> + <p> + "Why," replied Dashall, "I believe that it has not been positively + ascertained that these lines, which unlike other poetry, contain no + fiction, but plain and undeniable matter of fact, were wholly indicated by + the worthy Alderman; indeed it is not impossible but that his worship's + barber might have had a hand in their composition. It would be hard + indeed, if in his operations upon the Alderman's pericranium, he should + not have absorbed some of the effluvia of the wit and genius contained + therein; and in justice to this operator on his chin and caput, I ought to + give you a specimen which was produced by him upon the election of his + Lordship to the Mayoralty— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Our present Mayor is William Curtis, + A man of weight and that your sort is." +</pre> + <p> + "This epigrammatic distich, which cannot be said to be destitute of point, + upon being read at table, received, as it deserved, a large share of + commendation; and his Lordship declared to the company present, that it + had not taken his barber above three hours to produce it extempore." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho laughed heartily at these satirical touches upon the poor + Alderman. + </p> + <p> + "However," continued Tom, "a man with plenty of money can bear laughing + at, and sometimes laughs at himself, though I suspect he will hardly laugh + or produce a laugh in others, by what he stated in his seat in the House + of Commons, on the subject of the riots{1} at Knightsbridge. I suspect his + wit and good humour will hardly protect him in that instance." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 On a motion made by Mr. Favell in the Court of Common + Council, on the 21st of March, the following resolution was + passed, indicative of the opinion that Court entertained of + the conduct of Alderman Curtis on the occasion here alluded + to: + + "That Sir William Curtis, Bart, having acknowledged in his + place in this Court, that a certain speech now read was + delivered by him in the House of Commons, in which, among + other matters which he stated respecting the late riot at + Knightsbridge, he said, 'That he had been anxious that a + Committee should investigate this question, because he + wished to let the world know the real character of this + Great Common Council, who were always meddling with matters + which they had nothing to do with, and which were far above + their wisdom and energy. It was from such principles they + had engaged in the recent inquiry, which he would contend + they had no right to enter upon. Not only was evidence + selected, but questions were put to draw such answers as the + party putting them desired.' + + "That the conduct of Sir William Curtis, one of the repre- + sentatives of this City in Parliament, lias justly merited + the censure and indignation of this Court and of his fellow + Citizens." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[216]</span> After taking a cursory look into the + Chamberlain's Office, the Court of King's Bench and Common Pleas, they + took their departure from Guildhall, very well satisfied with their + morning's excursion. + </p> + <p> + It was between three and four o'clock when our friends left the Hall. Tom + Dashalt, being upon the qui vive, determined to give his Cousin a chevy + for the remainder of the day; and for this purpose, it being on a Friday, + he proposed a stroll among the Prad-sellers in Smithfield, where, after + partaking of a steak and a bottle at Dolly's, they accordingly repaired. + </p> + <p> + "You will recollect," said Tom, "that you passed through Smithfield (which + is our principal cattle market) during the time of Bartholomew Fair; but + you will now find it in a situation so different, that you would scarcely + know it for the same place: you will now see it full of horse-jockeys, + publicans, pugilists, and lads upon the lark like ourselves, who having no + real business either in the purchase or sale of the commodities of the + market, are watching the manners and manouvres of those who have." + </p> + <p> + As Tom was imparting this piece of information to his attentive Cousin, + they were entering Smithfield by the way of Giltspur-street, and were met + by a man having much the appearance of a drover, who by the dodging + movements of his stick directly before their eyes, inspired our friends so + strongly with the idea of some animal being behind them which they could + not see, and from which danger was to be apprehended, that they suddenly + broke from each other, and fled forward for safety, at which a roar of + laughter ensued from the byestanders, who <span class="pagenum">[217]</span> + perceiving the hoax, recommended the dandies to take care they did not + dirty their boots, or get near the hoofs of the <i>prancing prads</i>, Tom + was not much disconcerted at this effort of practical jocularity, though + his Cousin seemed to have but little relish for it. + </p> + <p> + "Come along," said Tom, catching him by the arm, and impelling him + forward, "although this is not Bartholomew Fair time, you must consider + all fair at the horse-fair, unless you are willing to put up with a + horse-laugh." + </p> + <p> + Struggling through crowds who appeared to be buying, selling, or + bargaining for the lame, the broken winded, and spavined prads of various + sizes, prices, and pretensions, + </p> + <p> + "There is little difference," said Tom, "between this place as a market + for horses, and any similar mart in the kingdom, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Here the friend and the brother + Meet to humbug each other, +</pre> + <p> + except that perhaps a little more refinement on the arts of gulling may be + found; and it is no very uncommon thing for a stolen nag to be offered for + sale in this market almost before the knowledge of his absence is + ascertained by the legal owner.—I have already given you some + information on the general character of horse-dealers during our visit to + Tattersal's; but every species of trick and low chicanery is practised, of + which numerous instances might be produced; and though I admit good horses + are sometimes to be purchased here, it requires a man to be perfectly upon + his guard as to who he deals with, and how he deals, although the + regulations of the market are, generally speaking, good." + </p> + <p> + "I wouldn't have him at no price," said a costermonger, who it appeared + was bargaining for a donkey; "the h———y sulkey b——— + von't budge, he's not vorth a fig out of a horses———." + </p> + <p> + "I knows better as that 'are," cried a chimney-sweeper; "for no better + an't no vare to be had; he's long backed and strong legged. Here, Bill, + you get upon him, and give him rump steaks, and he'll run like the devil + a'ter a parson." + </p> + <p> + Here Bill, a little blear-eyed chimney-sweeper, mounted the poor animal, + and belaboured him most unmercifully, without producing any other effect + than kicking up behind, and most effectually placing poor Bill in the + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[218]</span> mud, to the great discomfiture of the + donkey seller, and the mirth of the spectators. The animal brayed, the + byestanders laughed, and the bargain, like poor Bill, was off. + </p> + <p> + After a complete turn round Smithfield, hearing occasionally the chaffing + of its visitants, and once or twice being nearly run over, they took their + departure from this scene of bustle, bargaining, and confusion, taking + their way down King-street, up Holborn Hill, and along Great Queen-street. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said Tom, "we will have a look in at Covent Garden Theatre; the + Exile is produced there with great splendour. The piece is certainly got + up in a style of the utmost magnificence, and maintains its ground in the + theatre rather upon that score than its really interesting dialogue, + though some of the scenes are well worked up, and have powerful claims + upon approbation. The original has been altered, abridged, and (by some + termed) amended, in order to introduce a gorgeous coronation, a popular + species of entertainment lately." + </p> + <p> + Upon entering the theatre, Tallyho was almost riveted in attention to the + performance, and the latter scene closed upon him with all its splendid + pageantry before he discovered that his Cousin had given him the slip, and + a dashing cyprian of the first order was seated at his elbow, with whom + entering into a conversation, the minutes were not measured till Dashall's + return, who perceiving he was engaged, appeared inclined to retire, and + leave the cooing couple to their apparently agreeable tete-a-tete. Bob, + however, observing him, immediately wished his fair incognita good night, + and joined his Cousin. + </p> + <p> + "D———d dull," said Tom,—"all weary, stale, flat, + and unprofitable." + </p> + <p> + "But very grand," rejoined Bob. + </p> + <p> + "I have found nothing to look at," replied Tom; "I have hunted every part + of the House, and only seen two persons I know." + </p> + <p> + "And I," said Tallyho, "have been all the while looking at the piece." + </p> + <p> + "Which piece do you mean, the one beside you, or the one before you?" + </p> + <p> + "The performance—The Coronation." + </p> + <p> + "I have had so much of that," said Tom, "that finding you so close in + attention to the stage, that I could get no <span class="pagenum">[219]</span> + opportunity of speaking to you, I have been hunting for other game, and + have almost wearied myself in the pursuit without success; so that I am + for quitting the premises, and making a call at a once celebrated place + near at hand, which used to be called the Finish. Come along, therefore, + unless you have 'mettle more attractive;' perhaps you have some + engagements?" + </p> + <p> + "None upon earth to supersede the one I have with you," was the reply. + Upon which they left the House, and soon found themselves in Covent Garden + Market. "This," said Tom, "has been the spot of many larks and sprees of + almost all descriptions, ana election wit has been as cheap in the market + as any of the vegetables of the venders; but I am going to take you to a + small house that has in former times been the resort of the greatest wits + of the age. Sheridan, Fox, and others of their time, have not disdained to + be its inmates, nor is it now deserted by the votaries of genius, though + considerably altered, and conducted in a different manner: it still, + however, affords much amusement and accommodation. It was formerly well + known by the appellation of the <i>Finish</i>, and was not opened till a + late hour in the night, and, as at the present moment, is generally shut + up between 11 and 12 o'clock, and re-opened for the accommodation of the + market people at 4 in the morning. The most respectable persons resident + in the neighbourhood assemble to refresh themselves after the labours of + the day with a glass of ale, spirits, or wine, as they draw no porter. The + landlord is a pleasant fellow enough, and there is a pretty neat dressing + young lass in the bar, whom I believe to be his sister—this is the + house." + </p> + <p> + "House," said Bob, "why this is a deviation from the customary buildings + of London; it appears to have no up stairs rooms." + </p> + <p> + "Never mind that," continued Dashall, "there is room enough for us, I dare + say; and after your visit to the Woolpack, I suppose you can stand smoke, + if you can't stand fire." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had entered the Carpenter's Arms, when turning short + round the bar, they found themselves in a small room, pretty well filled + with company, enjoying their glasses, and puffing their pipes: in the + right hand corner sat an undertaker, who having just obtained a victory + over his opposite neighbour, was humming a stave <span class="pagenum">[220]</span> + to himself indicative of his satisfaction at the result of the contest, + which it afterwards appeared was for two mighty's;{1} while his opponent + was shrugging up his shoulders with a feeling of a very different kind. + </p> + <p> + "It's of no use," said Jemmy,{2} as they called him, "for you to enter the + lists along with me, for you know very well I must have you at last." + </p> + <p> + "And no doubt it will prove a good fit," said an elderly shoemaker of + respectable appearance, who seemed to command the reverence of the + company, "for all of us are subject to the <i>pinch</i>." + </p> + <p> + "There's no certainty of his assertion, however," replied the unsuccessful + opponent of Jemmy. + </p> + <p> + "Surely not,"{3} said another most emphatically, taking a pinch of snuff, + and offering it to the shoemaker; "for you know Jemmy may come to the + finch before John." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 "Mighty."—This high sounding title has recently been + given to a full glass of ale,—the usual quantity of what is + termed a glass being half a pint, generally supplied in a + large glass which would hold more—and which when filled is + consequently subjected to an additional charge. + + 2 To those who are in the habit of frequenting the house, + this gentleman will immediately be known, as he usually + smokes his pipe there of an afternoon and evening. + + "With his friend and his pipe puffing sorrow away, And with + honest old stingo still soaking his clay." + + With a certain demonstration before him of the mortality of + human life, he deposits the bodies of his friends and + neighbours in the earth, and buries the recollection of them + in a cloud, determined, it should seem, to verify the words + of the song, that + + "The right end of life is to live and be jolly." + + His countenance and manners seldom fail to excite + risibility, not-withstanding the solemnity of his calling, + and there can be little doubt but he is the finisher of + many, after the Finish; he is, however, generally good + humoured, communicative, and facetious, and seldom refuses + to see any person in company for a mighty, usually + concluding the result with a mirthful ditty, or a doleful + countenance, according to the situation in which he is left + as a winner or a loser; and in either case accompanied with + a brightness of visage, or a dull dismal countenance, + indicative of the event, which sets description at defiance, + and can only be judged of by being seen. + + 3 "Surely not," are words in such constant use by one + gentleman who is frequently to be met in this room, that the + character alluded to can scarcely be mistaken: he is partial + to a pinch of snuff, but seldom carries a box of his own. He + is a resident in the neighbour-hood, up to snuff, and + probably, like other men, sometimes snuffy; this, however, + without disparagement to his general character, which is + that of a respectable tradesman. He is fond of a lark, a + bit of gig, and an argument; has a partiality for good + living, a man of feeling, and a dealer in felt, who wishes + every one to wear the cap that fits him. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[221]</span> "Never mind," continued Jemmy, "I take + my chance in this life, and sing <i>toll de roll loll</i>." + </p> + <p> + By this time our friends, being supplied with mighties, joined in the + laugh which was going round at the witty sallies of the speakers. + </p> + <p> + "It is possible I may go first," said the undertaker, resuming his pipe; + "and if I should, I can't help it." + </p> + <p> + "Surely not,—but I tell you what, Jemmy, if you are not afraid, I'll + see you for two more mighties before I go, and I summons you to shew + cause." + </p> + <p> + "D———n your summons,"{1} cried the former unsuccessful + opponent of the risible undertaker, who at the word summons burst into a + hearty laugh, in which he was immediately joined by all but the last + speaker. + </p> + <p> + "The summons is a sore place," said Jemmy. + </p> + <p> + "Surely not. I did not speak to him, I spoke to you, Sir; and I have a + right to express myself as I please: if that gentleman has an antipathy to + a summons, am I to be tongue-tied? Although he may sport with sovereigns, + he must be accountable to plebeians; and if I summons you to shew cause, I + see no reason why he should interrupt our conversation." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 "D——-n your summons." This, as one of the company + afterwards remarked, was a sore place, and uttered at a + moment when the irritation was strong on the affected part. + The speaker is a well known extensive dealer in the pottery, + Staffordshire, and glass line, who a short time since in a + playful humour caught a sovereign, tossed up by another + frequenter of the room, and passed it to a third. The + original possessor sought restitution from the person who + took the sovereign from his hand, but was referred to the + actual possessor, but refused to make the application. The + return of the money was formally demanded of the man of + porcelain, pitchers, and pipkins, without avail. In this + state of things the loser obtained a summons against the + taker, and the result, as might be expected, was compulsion + to restore the lost sovereign to the loving subject, + together with the payment of the customary expenses, a + circumstance which had the effect of causing great anger in + the mind of the dealer in brittle wares. Whether he broke + any of the valuable articles in his warehouse in consequence + has not been ascertained, but it appears for a time to have + broken a friendship between the parties concerned: such + breaches, however, are perhaps easier healed than broken or + cracked crockery. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[222]</span> "Surely not," was reverberated round + the room, accompanied with a general laugh against the interrupter, who + seizing the paper, appeared to read without noticing what was passing. + </p> + <p> + The company was now interrupted by the entrance of several strangers, and + our two friends departed on their return homeward for the evening. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0003" id="link42HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Roam where you will, o'er London's wide domains, + The mind new source of various feeling gains; + Explore the giddy town, its squares, its streets, + The 'wildered eye still fresh attraction greets; + Here spires and towers in countless numbers rise, + And lift their lofty summits to the skies; + Wilt thou ascend? then cast thine eyes below, + And view the motley groupes of joy and woe: + Lo! they whom Heaven with affluence hath blest, + Scowl with cold contumely on those distrest; + And Pleasure's maze the wealthy caitiffs thread, + While care-worn Merit asks in vain for bread; + Yet short their weal or woe, a general doom + On all awaits,—oblivion in the tomb!" +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[223]</span> Our heros next morning determined on a + visit to their Hibernian friend and his aunt, whom they found had not yet + forgot the entertainment at the Mansion-house, and which still continued + to be the favorite topic of conversation. Sir Felix expressed his + satisfaction that the worthy Citizens of London retained with increasing + splendor their long established renown of pre-eminent distinction in the + art of good living. + </p> + <p> + "And let us hope," said Dashall, "that they will not at any future period + be reduced to the lamentable necessity of restraining the progress of + epicurism, as in the year 1543, when the Lord Mayor and Common Council + enacted a sumptuary law to prevent luxurious eating; by which it was + ordered, that the Mayor should confine himself to seven, Aldermen and + Sheriffs to six, and the Sword-bearer to four dishes at dinner or supper, + under the penalty of forty shillings for each supernumerary dish!" + </p> + <p> + "A law," rejoined the Baronet, "which voluptuaries of the present times + would find more difficult of observance than any enjoined by the + decalogue." + </p> + <p> + The Squire suggested the expediency of a similar enactment, with a view to + productive results; for were the <span class="pagenum">[224]</span> + wealthy citizens (he observed) prohibited the indulgence of luxurious + eating, under certain penalties, the produce would be highly beneficial to + the civic treasury. + </p> + <p> + The Fine Arts claiming a priority of notice, the party determined on + visiting a few of the private and public Exhibitions. + </p> + <p> + London is now much and deservedly distinguished for the cultivation of the + fine arts. The commotions on the continent operated as a hurricane on the + productions of + </p> + <p> + genius, and the finest works of ancient and modern times ave been removed + from their old situations to the asylum afforded by the wooden walls of + Britain. Many of them have, therefore, been consigned to this country, and + are now in the collections of our nobility and gentry, chiefly in and + about the metropolis. + </p> + <p> + Although France may possess the greatest number of the larger works of the + old masters, yet England undoubtedly possesses the greatest portion of + their first-rate productions, which is accounted for by the great painters + exerting all their talents on such pictures as were not too large to be + actually painted by their own hands, while in their larger works they + resorted to inferior assistance. Pictures, therefore, of this kind, being + extremely valuable, and at the same time portable, England, during the + convulsions on the Continent, was the only place where such paintings + could obtain a commensurate price. Such is the wealth of individuals in + this country, that some of these pictures now described, belonging to + private collections, were purchased at the great prices of ten and twelve + thousand guineas each. + </p> + <p> + Amongst the many private collections of pictures, statues, &c. in the + metropolis, that of the Marquis of Stafford, called the Cleveland Gallery, + is the most prominent, being the finest collection of the old masters in + England, and was principally selected from the works that formerly + composed the celebrated Orleans Gallery, and others, which at the + commencement of the French revolution were brought to this country. + Thither, then, our tourists directed their progress, and through the + mediation of Dashall access was obtained without difficulty. + </p> + <p> + The party derived much pleasure in the inspection of this collection, + which contains two or three fine pictures of Raphael, several by Titian + and the Caracas, some <span class="pagenum">[225]</span> capital + productions of the Dutch and Flemish schools, and some admirable + productions of the English school, particularly two by Wilson, one by + Turner, and one by Vobson, amounting, in the whole, to 300 first-rate + pictures by the first masters, admirably distributed in the new gallery, + the drawing-room, the Poussin room (containing eight chef d'oeuvres of + that painter), the passage-room, dining-room, old anti-room, old gallery, + and small room. The noble proprietor has liberally appropriated one day in + the week for the public to view these pictures. The curiosity of.the + visitors being now amply gratified, they retired, Sir Felix much pleased + with the polite attention of the domestic who conducted them through the + different apartments, to whom Miss Macgilligan offered a gratuity, but the + acceptance of which was, with courteous acknowledgments, declined. + </p> + <p> + Proceeding to the house of Mr. Angerstein, Pall Mall, our party obtained + leave to inspect a collection, not numerous, but perhaps the most select + of any in London, and which has certainly been formed at the greatest + expense in proportion to its numbers. Among its principal ornaments are + four of the finest landscapes by Claude; the Venus and Adonis, and the + Ganymede, by Titian, from the Colonna palace at Rome; a very fine + landscape by Poussin, and other works by Velasquez, Rubens, Murillo, and + Vandyck: to all which is added the invaluable series of Hogarth's + Marriage-a-la-mode. + </p> + <p> + Returning along Pall-Mall, our perambulators now reached the Gallery of + the British Institution; a Public Exhibition, established in the year + 1805, under the patronage of his late Majesty, for the encouragement and + reward of the talents of British artists, exhibiting during half of the + year a collection of the works of living artists for sale; and during the + other half year, it is furnished with pictures painted by the most + celebrated masters, for the study of the academic and other pupils in + painting. The Institution, now patronised by his present Majesty, is + supported by the subscriptions of the principal nobility and gentry, and + the number of pictures sold under their influence is very considerable. + The gallery was first opened on April 17, 1806. + </p> + <p> + In 1813, the public were gratified by a display of the best works of Sir + Joshua Reynolds, collected by the industry and influence of the committee, + from the private <span class="pagenum">[226]</span> collections of the + royal family, nobility, and gentry; and in 1814, by a collection of 221 + pictures of those inimitable painters, Hogarth, Gainsborough, and + Wilson.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 That the Fine Arts engaged not a little of the attention + of the British Public during the late reign, is a fact too + notorious to require proof. The establishment of the Royal + Academy, in 1768, and its consequent yearly Exhibitions, + awakened the observation or stimulated the vanity of the + easy and the affluent, of the few who had taste, and of the + many who were eager to be thought the possessors of it, to a + subject already honoured by the solicitude of the sovereign. + A considerable proportion of the public was thus induced to + talk of painting and painters, and to sit for a portrait + soon became the fashion; a fashion, strange to say, which + has lasted ever since. Whether the talents of Sir Joshua + Reynolds as a painter, were alone the cause of his high + reputation, may, however, admit of a doubt. From an early + period of life, he had the good fortune to be associated in + friendship with several of the most eminent literary + characters of the age; amongst whom there were some whose + high rank and personal consequence in the country greatly + assisted him to realize one leading object which he had in + view, that of uniting in himself (perhaps for the first time + in the person of an English painter) the artist and the man + of fashion. From his acknowledged success in the attainment + of this object, tending as it did to the subversion of + ancient prejudices degrading to art, what beneficial effects + might not have resulted, had the President exerted his + influence to sustain the dignity of the artist in others! + But satisfied with the place in society which he himself had + gained, he left the rest of the Academy to follow his + example, if they could, seldom or never mixing with them in + company, and contenting himself with the delivery of an + annual lecture to the students. Genius is of spontaneous + growth, but education, independence, and never-ceasing + opportunity, are necessary to its full developement. +</pre> + <p> + Since then they have regularly two annual exhibitions; one, of the best + works of the old masters, for the improvement of the public taste, and + knowledge of the artists, varied by some of the deceased British artists, + alternately with that on their old plan of the exhibition and sale of the + works of living artists. + </p> + <p> + The directors of this laudable Institution have also exhibited and + procured the loan for study, of one or two of the inimitable cartoons of + Raphael for their students. An annual private exhibition of their studies + also takes place yearly; the last of which displayed such a degree of + merit as no society or academy in Europe could equal. + </p> + <p> + Sir Felix, who on a former occasion had expressed a wish to acquire the + art of verse-writing, was so much satisfied with his inspection of this + exhibition, that he <span class="pagenum">[227]</span>became equally + emulous of attaining the sister-art of painting; but Dashall requested him + to suspend at present his choice, as perhaps he might alternately prefer + the acquisition of music. + </p> + <p> + "In that case," rejoined the Baronet, "I must endeavour to acquire the + knack of rhyming extempore, that I may accompany the discordant music with + correspondent doggerels to the immortal memory of the heroic achievements + of my revered Aunt's mighty progenitor—O'Brien king of Ulster." + </p> + <p> + This expression of contempt cast by the Baronet on the splendor of the + ancient provincial sovereign of the north, had nearly created an open + rupture between his aunt and him. Tallyho, however, happily succeeded in + effecting an amnesty for the past, on promise under his guarantee of + amendment for the future. + </p> + <p> + The party now migrated by Spring Garden Gate into the salubrious regions + of St. James's Park, and crossing its eastern extremity, took post of + observation opposite the Horse Guards, an elegant building of stone, that + divides Parliament-street from St. James's Park, to which it is the + principal entrance. The architect was Ware, and the building cost upwards + of £30,000. It derives its name from the two regiments of Life Guards + (usually called the Horse Guards) mounting guard there. + </p> + <p> + "Here is transacted," said Dashall, "all the business of the British army + in a great variety of departments, consisting of the Commander-in-Chief's + Office,—the Offices of the Secretary-at-War,—the + Adjutant-General's Office,—the Quarter-Master-General's Office,—besides + the Orderly Rooms for the three regiments of Foot Guards, whose arms are + kept here. These three regiments, containing about 7000 men, including + officers, and two regiments of Horse Guards, consisting together of 1200 + men, at once serve as appendages to the King's royal state, and form a + general military establishment for the metropolis. A body called the + Yeomen of the Guard, consisting of 100 men, remains a curious relic of the + dress of the King's guards in the fifteenth century. Some Light Horse are + stationed at the Barracks in Hyde Park, to attend his Majesty, or other + members of the Royal Family, chiefly in travelling; and to do duty on + occasions immediately connected with the King's administration. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[228]</span> "On the left is the Admiralty + (anciently Wallingford House), containing the offices and apartments of + the Lords Commissioners who superintend the marine department of this + mighty empire. + </p> + <p> + "On the right is the Treasury and Secretary of State's Offices. Here, in + fact, is performed the whole State business of the British Empire. In one + building is directed the movements of those fleets, whose thunders rule + every sea, and strike terror into every nation. In the centre is directed + the energies of an army, hitherto invincible in the field, and which, + number for number, would beat any other army in the world. Adjoining are + the executive departments with relation to civil and domestic concerns, to + foreign nations, and to our exterior colonies. And to finish the groupe, + here is that wonderful Treasury, which receives and pays above a hundred + millions per annum." + </p> + <p> + Entering Parliament-street from the Horse-Guards, our perambulators now + proceeded to Westminster-bridge,{1} which passing, they paid a visit to + Coade and Sealy's Gallery of Artificial Stone, Westminster-bridge-road. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Westminster Bridge. This bridge was built between the + years 1730 and 1750, and cost £389,000. It is 1223 feet + long, and 44 feet wide; containing 14 piers, and 13 large + and two small semicircular arches; and has on its top 28 + semi-octangular towers, twelve of which are covered with + half domes. The two middle piers contain each 3000 solid + feet, or 200 tons of Portland stone. The middle arch is 76 + feet wide, the two next 72 feet, and the last 25 feet. The + free-water way between the piers is 870 feet. This bridge is + esteemed one of the most beautiful in the world. Every part + is fully and properly supported, and there is no false + bearing or false joint throughout the whole structure; as a + remarkable proof of which, we may quote the extraordinary + echo of its corresponding towers, a person in one being able + to hear the whispers of a person opposite, though at the + distance of nearly 50 feet. +</pre> + <p> + This place contains a great variety of elegant models from the antique and + modern masters, of statues, busts, vases, pedestals, monuments, + architectural and sculptural decorations, modelled and baked on a + composition harder and more durable than any stone. + </p> + <p> + Animadverting on the utility of this work combining the taste of elegance + with the advantage of permanent wear, the two friends, Tom and Bob, + recollected having seen, in their rambles through the metropolis, many + specimens of the perfection of this ingenious art, particularly at + Carlton-House, the Pelican Office, Lombard-street, and almost all the + public halls. The statues of the four <span class="pagenum">[229]</span>quarters + of the world, and others at the Bank, at the Admiralty, Trinity House, + Tower-hill, Somerset-place, the Theatres; and almost every street presents + objects, (some of 20 years standing,) as perfect as when put up. + </p> + <p> + Retracing their steps homewards, our pedestrians again crossed the Park, + and finding themselves once more in Spring Gardens, entered the Exhibition + Rooms of the Society of Painters in Water Colours. + </p> + <p> + This, beyond any other gratification of the morning, pleased the party the + most. The vivid tints of the various well-executed landscapes had a + pleasing effect, and wore more the appearance of nature than any similar + display of the fascinating art which they had hitherto witnessed. + </p> + <p> + This Society, which was formed in 1804, for the purpose of giving due + emphasis to an interesting branch of art that was lost in the blaze of + Somerset-House, where water-colours, however beautiful, harmonized so + badly with paintings in oil, has, in its late exhibitions, deviated from + its original and legitimate object, and has mixed with its own exquisite + productions various pictures in oil. + </p> + <p> + The last annual exhibition of painting in oil and water colours, was as + brilliant and interesting as any former one, and afforded unmixed pleasure + to every visitor. + </p> + <p> + One more attraction remained in Spring Gardens, which Tom, who had all the + morning very ably performed the double duty of conductor and explainer, + proposed the company's visiting;—"That is," said he, "Wigley's + Promenade Rooms, where are constantly on exhibition various objects of + curiosity." + </p> + <p> + Thither then they repaired, and were much pleased with two very + extraordinary productions of ingenuity, the first Mr. Theodon's grand + Mechanical and Picturesque Theatre, illustrative of the effect of art in + imitation of nature, in views of the Island of St. Helena, the City of + Paris, the passage of Mount St. Barnard, Chinese artificial fireworks, and + a storm at sea. The whole was conducted on the principle of perspective + animation, in a manner highly picturesque, natural, and interesting. + </p> + <p> + Here also our party examined the original model of a newly invented + travelling automaton, a machine which can, with ease and accuracy, travel + at the rate of six miles an hour, ascend acclivities, and turn the + narrowest corners, by machinery only, conducted by one of the persons + seated within, without the assistance of either horse or steam. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[230]</span> This extraordinary piece of mechanism + attracted the particular attention of the Baronet, who minutely explored + its principles, with the view, as he said, of its introduction to general + use, in the province of Munster, in substitution of ricketty jaunting-cars + and stumbling geldings. Miss Judith Macgilligan likewise condescended to + honour this novel carriage with her approbation, as an economical + improvement, embracing, with its obvious utility, a vast saving in the + keep of horses, and superseding the use of jaunting-cars, the universal + succedaneum, in Ireland, for more respectable vehicles; but which, she + added, no lady of illustrious ancestry should resort to. + </p> + <p> + This endless recurrence to noble descent elicited from Sir Felix another + "palpable hit;" who observed, that those fastidious dames of antiquity, to + whatever country belonging, of apparent asperity to the present times, + would do well in laying aside unfounded prejudices; that the age to which + Miss Macgilligan so frequently alluded, was one of the most ignorant + barbarism; and the unpolished females of that day unequal to a comparison + with those of the present, as much so, as the savage squaws of America + with the finished beauties of an Irish Vicegerent's drawing-room.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The pride of ancestry, although prevalent in Ireland, is + not carried to the preposterous excess exemplified by + Cambrian vanity and egotism. A gentleman lately visited a + friend in Wales, who, among other objects of curiosity, + gratified his guest with the inspection of his family + genealogical tree, which, setting at naught the minor + consideration of antediluvian research, bore in its centre + this notable inscription,—About this time the world was + created!!! +</pre> + <p> + Re-entering St. James's Park, our party directed their course towards the + Mall, eastward of which they were agreeably amused by the appearance of + groupes of children, who, under the care of attendant nursery maids, were + regaling themselves with milk from the cow, thus presenting to these + delighted juveniles a rural feast in the heart of the metropolis. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[231]</span> Here Dashall drew the attention of his + friends to a very important improvement. "Until within these few months," + said he, "the Park at night-fall presented a very sombre aspect; being so + imperfectly lighted as to encourage the resort of the most depraved + characters of both sexes; and although, in several instances, a general + caption, by direction of the police, was made of these nocturnal + visitants, yet the evil still remained; when a brilliant remedy at last + was found, by entirely irradiating the darkness hitherto so favourable to + the career of licentiousness: these lamps, each at a short distance from + the other, have been lately introduced; stretching along the Mall, and + circumscribing the Park, they shed a noon-tide splendor on the solitude of + midnight. They are lighted with gas, and continue burning from sunset to + day-break, combining ornament with utility. Thus vice has been banished + from her wonted haunts, and the Park has become a respectable evening + promenade. + </p> + <p> + "This Park," continued the communicative Dashall, "which is nearly two + miles in circuit, was enclosed by King Charles II., who planted the + avenues, made the Canal and the Aviary adjacent to the Bird-cage Walk, + which took its name from the cages hung in the trees; but the present fine + effect of the piece of ground within the railing, is the fruit of the + genius of the celebrated Mr. Brown."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 St. James's Park was the frequent promenade of King + Charles II. Here he was to be seen almost daily; unattended, + except by one or two of his courtiers, and his favorite + grey-hounds; inter-mixing with his subjects, in perfect + confidence of their loyalty and attachment. His brother + James one day remonstrating with him on the impolicy of thus + exposing his person,—"James," rejoined his majesty, "take + care of yourself, and be under no apprehension for me: my + people will never kill me, to make you king!" + + In more recent times, Mr. Charles Townsend used every + morning, as he came to the Treasury, to pass by the Canal in + the Park, and feed the ducks with bread or corn, which he + brought in his pocket for that purpose. One morning having + called his affectionate friends, the duckey, duckey, + duckies, he found unfortunately that he had forgotten them;— + "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I am sorry I am in a hurry and + cannot get you some bread, but here is sixpence for you to + buy some," and threw the ducks a sixpence, which one of them + gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to + some gentlemen with whom he was to dine. There being ducks + for dinner, one of the gentlemen ordered a sixpence to be + put into the body of a duck, which he gave Charles to cut + up. Our hero, sur-prised at finding a sixpence among the + seasoning, bade the waiter send up his master, whom he + loaded with epithets of rascal and scoundrel, and swore + bitterly that he would have him prosecuted for robbing the + king of his ducks; "for," said he, "gentlemen, this very + morning did I give this sixpence to one of the ducks in the + Canal in St. James's Park." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[232]</span> The party now seated themselves on one + of the benches in the Mall, opposite the spot where lately stood the + Chinese or Pagoda bridge. Tallyho had often animadverted on the absurdity + of the late inconvenient and heterogeneous wooden structure, which had + been erected at a considerable public expense; its dangling non-descript + ornaments, and tiresome acclivity and descent of forty steps each. "What," + said he, "notwithstanding the protection by centinels of this precious + memento of vitiated taste, has it become the prey of dilapidation?" + </p> + <p> + "Rather," answered Dashall, "of premature decay. Its crazy condition + induced the sage authors of its origin to hasten its destruction; like the + Cherokee chief, who, when the object of his regard becomes no longer + useful, buries him alive!" + </p> + <p> + Contrasting the magnificent appearance of the adjacent edifices, as seen + from the Park, with one of apparently very humble pretensions, Miss + Macgilligan inquired to what purpose the "shabby fabric" was applied, and + by whom occupied. + </p> + <p> + "That 'shabby fabric,' Madam," responded Dashall, "is St. James's Palace, + erected by Henry VIII., in which our sovereigns of England have held their + Courts from the reign of Queen Anne to that of his late Majesty George + III." {1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The state apartments, now renovated, comprehend six + chambers. The first is the guard chamber, at the top of the + stairs: this has been entirely repaired, and on the right + hand there is a characteristic chimney-piece, instead of the + ill-shaped clumsy fire-place which previously disgraced this + approach to the grand rooms. The next room, continuing to + advance, is the presence chamber. This chamber has been + remodelled, and a large handsome octagonal window + introduced. This produces the best effect, and has rendered + a gloomy room very light and cheerful. The privy chamber, + which forms the eastern end of the great suite that runs + from east to west, parallel to the Mall in the Park, and is, + strictly speaking, the immediate scene of the Court; this is + entirely new from the foundation, and is a continuation of + the old suite of state apartments. The chamber is of noble + dimensions, being nearly 70 feet in length, and having four + windows towards the garden and Park beyond. A magnificent + marble chimney-piece occupies the centre, on the east end. + The anti-drawing-room and the drawing-room, in which little + alteration appears, except in the introduction of splendid + chimney-pieces of statuary marble, taken from the library of + Queen Caroline in the Stable Yard, built by Kent. The + workmanship of these is amazingly fine, and the designs very + rich. The throne is at the upper end of the drawing room No. + 5, and from the chimney of the room No. 3, the vista through + the middle doors of the anti-drawing-rooms is about 200 + feet!! The<i>coup d'oeil</i> must be indescribably grand, when + all the three apartments are filled with rank and beauty. + The ceilings of the principal rooms, 3, 4, and 5, are coved + upon handsome cornices, carved and gilt. This gives the + apartments a spacious and lofty appearance; and there being + four large windows in each, the whole suite is very + imposing. The rooms are to be fitted with mirrors, and a + noble collection of the royal pictures. Over the chimney in + the drawing-room, Lawrence's splendid portrait of George + IV., surrounded by the fine old carvings of Grinling + Gibbons, of which many are preserved in the Palace, will be + the principal object. In the anti-drawing-room a portrait of + the venerable George III. will occupy a similar station; and + on each side will appear the victories which reflected the + highest lustre on his reign,—Trafalgar and Waterloo. In the + privy chamber, a portrait of Queen Anne will be attended by + the great Marlborough triumphs of Lisle and Tournay, + Blenheim, and other historical pieces. Other spaces will + exhibit a series of royal portraits, from the period of the + founder of the Palace, Henry VIII. to the present era; + including, of course, some of the most celebrated works of + Holbein and Vandyke. The unrivalled "Charles on + horseback," by the latter, is among the number, and the + gallery, altogether, must be inestimable, even as a panorama + of the arts in England for three centuries. On the whole, + these state apartments, when completed, will not be + excelled, if equalled, by any others in Europe. Holbein, + whom we have just mentioned, was a favourite of Henry VIII. + One day, when the painter was privately drawing a lady's + picture for the king, a nobleman forced himself into the + chamber. Holbein threw him down stairs; the peer cried out; + Holbein bolted himself in, escaped over the roof of the + house, and running directly to the king, fell on his knees, + and besought his majesty to pardon him, without declaring + the offence. The king promised to forgive him, if he would + tell the truth. Immediately arrives the lord with his + complaint. After hearing the whole, his majesty said to the + nobleman,—" You have behaved in a manner unworthy of your + rank. I tell you, of seven peasants I can make so many + lords, but not one Holbein. Be gone, and remember this, if + you ever presume to avenge yourself, I shall look on an + injury you do to the painter as done to me." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[233]</span> The descendant of O'Brien was + astonished, and connecting her ideas of the internal show of this Palace + with its outward appearance, doubted not, secretly, that it was far + inferior to the residence, in former times, of her royal progenitor. + </p> + <p> + Probably guessing her thoughts, Dashall proceeded to observe, that the + Palace was venerable from age, and in its interior decoration that it + fully corresponded in splendor with the regal purposes to which it had + been so long applied; "It is now, however," he added, "about to assume a + still more imposing aspect, being under alterations and adornments, for + the reception of the Court of his present Majesty, which, when completed, + will render it worthy the presence of the Sovereign of this great Empire." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[234]</span> The sole use made lately of St. James's + Palace, is for purposes of state. In 1808, the south-eastern wing of the + building was destroyed by fire; the state apartments were, however, + uninjured, and the Court of George the Third and his Queen was held here. + </p> + <p> + On the right of the Palace, the attention of the party was next attracted + by Marlborough House. It was built in the reign of Queen Anne, by the + public, at the expense of 40,000L. on part of the royal gardens, and given + by the Queen and Parliament, on a long lease, to the great Duke of + Marlborough. It is a handsome building, much improved of late years, and + has a garden extending to the Park, and forms a striking contrast to the + adjoining Palace of St. James's. It is now the town residence of his Royal + Highness, Prince Leopold of Saxe Cobourg. + </p> + <p> + Our party now passed into St. James's-street, where Miss Macgilligan, + whose acerbitude of temper had been much softened by the politeness of her + friends during the morning's ramble, mentioned, that she had a visit to + make on an occasion of etiquette, and requesting the honour of the + gentlemen's company to dinner, she was handed by the Squire of + Belville-hall, with all due gallantry and obeisance, into a + hackney-chariot; Tom in the meanwhile noting its number, in the + anticipation of its ultimately proving a requisite precaution. + </p> + <p> + The trio, now left to their own pursuits, lounged leisurely up St. + James's-street, and pausing at the caricature shop, an incident occurred + which placed in a very favorable point of view the Baronet's promptitude + of reply and equanimity of temper. Having had recourse to his glasses, lie + stood on the pavement, examining the prints, unobservant of any other + object; when a porter with a load brushed hastily forward, and coming in + contact with the Baronet, put him, involuntarily, by the violence of the + shock, to the left about face, without the word either of caution or + command. "Damn your spectacles!" at same time, exclaimed the fellow; + "Thank you, my good friend," rejoined Sir Felix,—"it is not the + first time that my spectacles have saved my eyes!" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[235]</span> Remarking on this rencounter, Dashall + observed, that the insolence of these fellows was become really a public + nuisance. Armed in the panoply of arrogance, they assume the right of the + footway, to the ejection, danger, and frequent injury of other passengers; + moving in a direct line with loads that sometimes stretch on either side + the width of the pavement, they dash onward, careless whom they may run + against, or what mischief may ensue. "I would not," continued Dashall, + "class them with beasts of burthen, and confine them to the carriage-way + of the street, like other brutes of that description; but I would have + them placed under the control of some salutary regulations, and humanized + under the dread of punishment." + </p> + <p> + The Squire coincided with his friend in opinion, and added, by way of + illustration, that it was only a few days since he witnessed a serious + accident occasioned by the scandalous conduct of a porter: the fellow bore + on his shoulders a chest of drawers, a corner of which, while he forced + his way along the pavement, struck a young lady a stunning blow on the + head, bringing her violently to the ground, and falling against a shop + window, one of her hands went through a pane of glass, by which she was + severely cut; thus sustaining a double injury, either of which might have + been attended with fatal consequences. + </p> + <p> + The three friends had now gained the fashionable lounge of Bond-street, + whence turning into Conduit-street, they entered Limmer's Coffee-house, + for the purpose of closing, by refreshment, the morning's excursion. + </p> + <p> + Here Dashall recognized an old acquaintance in the person of an eminent + physician, who, after an interchange of civilities, resumed his attention + to the daily journals. + </p> + <p> + In the same box with this gentleman, and directly opposite, sat another, + whose health was apparently on the decline, who finding that the ingenious + physician had occasionally dropped into this coffee-house, had placed + himself <i>vis-a-vis</i> the doctor, and made many indirect efforts to + withdraw his attention from the newspaper to examine the index of his (the + invalid's) constitution. He at last ventured a bold push at once, in the + following terms: "Doctor," said he, "I have for a long time been very far + from being well, and as I belong to an office, where I am obliged to + attend everyday, the complaints I have prove very troublesome to me, <span + class="pagenum">[236]</span> and I would be glad to remove them."—The + doctor laid down his paper, and regarded his patient with a steady eye, + while he proceeded. "I have but little appetite, and digest what I eat + very poorly; I have a strange swimming in my head," &c. In short, + after giving the doctor a full quarter of an hour's detail of all his + symptoms, he concluded the state of his case with a direct question:—"Pray, + doctor, what shall I take?" The doctor, in the act of resuming the + newspaper, gave him the following laconic prescription:—"Take, why, + take advice!" + </p> + <p> + This colloquy, and its ludicrous result, having been perfectly audible to + the company present, afforded considerable entertainment, of which the + manoeuvring invalid seemed in no degree willing to partake, for he + presently made his exit, without even thanking the doctor for his + gratuitous advice.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Limmeb's Hotel.—This justly esteemed Hotel was much + frequented by the late unfortunate Lord Camelford. Entering + the coffee-room one evening, meanly attired, as he often + was, he sat down to peruse the papers of the day. Soon after + came in a "dashing fellow," a "first-rate blood," who threw + himself into the opposite seat of the same box with Lord C, + and in a most consequential tone hallowed out, "Waiter! + bring in a pint of Madeira, and a couple of wax candles, and + put them in the next box." He then drew to him Lord C.'s + candle, and set himself to read. His Lordship glanced at him + a look of indignation, but exerting his optics a little + more, continued to decypher his paper. The waiter soon re- + appeared, and with a multitude of obsequious bows, announced + his having completed the commands of the gentleman, who + immediately lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford + having finished his paragraph, called out in a mimic tone to + that of Mr.——-, "Waiter! bring me a pair of snuffers." + These were quickly brought, when his Lordship laid down his + paper, walked round to the box in which Mr.——-was, snuffed + out both the candles, and leisurely returned to his seat. + Boiling with rage and fury, the indignant beau roared out, + "Waiter! waiter! waiter! who the devil is this fellow, that + dares thus to insult a gentleman? Who is he? What is he? + What do they call him?"—"Lord Camelford, Sir," said the + waiter.—"Who? Lord Camelford!" returned the former, in a + tone of voice scarcely audible; horror-struck at the + recollection of his own impertinence, and almost doubting + whether he was still in existence—"Lord Camelford!!! What + have I to pay?" On being told, he laid down his score, and + actually stole away, without daring to taste his Madeira. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[237]</span> The repast ended, the friends + separated; Sir Felix to rejoin his august relative at their lodgings, and + arrange with her preparations for the entertainment of Tom and Bob, and + these two gentlemen also returning homewards to dress for the important + occasion. + </p> + <p> + Passing the house of his tailor, the Baronet stept in, and desired Mr. + Snip to send to his lodgings, any time in the course of the evening, for + the last new suit, for the purpose of alteration, as had been already + pointed out. + </p> + <p> + Miss Macgilligan had preceded her nephew in reaching home, and gave him, + on his arrival, an appropriate and edifying lecture on a three-fold + subject, embracing—petulancy,—respect to superiors,—and + veneration for the memory of our ancestors. + </p> + <p> + The Baronet, who never designed seriously to insult his aunt, but merely + to have a bye-blow at her prominent foible,—pride of descent,—listened + with becoming deference to her dissertation, which was interrupted by the + entrance of his servant, (the same who on a certain occasion confided to + Mother Cummings the safety of his master's property,{1})—"The + tailor's boy, Sir Felix, for the new suit your Honor ordered to be + altered."—"Very well," rejoined Sir Felix, "sure enough Mr. Snip is + prompt in observance of instructions,—let the lad have the suit + immediately."—This business having been despatched, Miss Macgilligan + was about to resume her admonitory discourse; when, luckily, the arrival + of the expected guests prevented its continuance, and it was consequently + postponed until a more favourable opportunity. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Vide page 130. +</pre> + <p> + Dinner was shortly announced, during which nothing occurred of particular + import. When the exhilirating "Tuscan grape" had superseded the discarded + viands, Miss Macgilligan mentioned, that she had been grossly imposed upon + by the driver of the hackney-chariot. It seems, that conceiving Jehu was + exacting more than his fare, the lady, presenting a handful of silver, + told him to take it all, if he thought proper, and the conscientious + knight of the whip had actually embraced the offer in its literal + acceptation, and pocketing the money, made the best of his way, before she + recovered from the surprise occasioned by this "iniquitous" transaction. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[238]</span> "Iniquitous!" repeated the Baronet;—"by + the powers of folly but there was no advantage taken at all, at all; and + the man must have been worse than an idiot had he rejected so liberal an + offer! Gra-machree, he might cry, and thanks to the donor, such + opportunities don't occur every day." + </p> + <p> + Appealing to her guests, she had the mortification of finding the opinion + of her nephew supported.—"Certainly, madam," said Dashall, "the + conduct of the man in putting a construction not meant upon your word, was + highly reprehensible; yet I am afraid that redress is unavailable. A gift + was implied, though obviously not intended, but impartially speaking, you + tendered a donation, and the man, if not morally right, was legally + justifiable in accepting it." + </p> + <p> + While this case was under discussion, the baronet chuckled at the + mischance of his aunt, and in defiance of the admonition given him a few + hours before, seemed more petulant, less respectful, and totally + irreverent of his ancestors. + </p> + <p> + In the enjoyment of this triumph, and asserting that he could not be + taken-in, even by the most artfully conducted manouvre, he was struck dumb + by the information that Mr. Snip the tailor had called for the new suit. + "The devil fly over the hill of Howth with him!" exclaimed the astounded + Sir Felix, with a secret foreboding of evil, "has he not had the new suit, + hours ago?" + </p> + <p> + "He says not, sir," answered the servant. + </p> + <p> + "Where then, in the name of mystery," rejoined the baronet, "are the + clothes gone to? They were sent by his boy, were they not?" + </p> + <p> + "He denies, sir," responded the servant, "that he sent for the clothes at + all at all." + </p> + <p> + "Sowl of my grandmother! send in this snip of a tailor instantaneously." + </p> + <p> + Dashall immediately surmised a fraud, and the statement of Snip converted + suspicion into fact. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Snip repeated, that he had not sent for the clothes; and neither did + he keep a boy; but he recollected that there was a lad in his shop + purchasing some trifling article at the time Sir Felix gave his address, + and ordered the new suit to be sent for; and there is no doubt, added + Snip, that this young adept, being thus put in the way of successfully + practising a fraud, gladly availed himself of the opportunity, and + obtained possession of the clothes in my name. But, Sir Felix (continued + Mr. Snip) it must have escaped your recollection when <span class="pagenum">[239]</span> + you sanctioned the delivery of the clothes, that I had particularly + cautioned you, when you first honoured me with your custom, against your + sending to my house any articles of apparel by pretended messengers from + me, unless on the authority of my own hand writing." + </p> + <p> + "I exonerate you," said the baronet, "from censure, and exempt you from + loss. I have been swindled. There is now no remedy. So make me another + suit, and by stricter vigilance, we shall endeavour to avoid future + depredation."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This is amongst the inferior classes of fraud daily + practised in the metropolis. The following is one of a + fust rate description. + + Swindling.—A case most ingeniously contrived and + successfully carried into execution on Saturday last, is + scarcely to be equalled on the records of fraud. It was + equal to that practised on Rundle and Bridge, the jewellers, + some time ago, but the present case is only at the expense + of four costly gold watches. The swindler, who called + himself Mr. Winter, is rather above the middle size, was + dressed in a brown frock coat, wears long whiskers, and is + well calculated for imposition in address and manner. A + house in Southampton-street, Strand, occupied by Mr. Holt, + the barrister, having been advertised to be let, Mr. Winter + called about it several times last week, and he appointed + Saturday last to call with some ladies, when he could give a + final answer; and the servants were desired, if the + occupants were from home, to shew the gentleman and his + party into the dining-room. Having secured this point, Mr. + Winter called upon Mr. Ely, a jeweller, at the latter end of + the week, and after looking over some trifles, in the shop, + he desired that some ladies' watches might be brought to his + residence, No. 5, Southampton-street, at a certain hour on + Saturday, for inspection. The swindler called some time + before the jeweller was expected, and inquired if the ladies + who were to meet him there had called, and being informed in + the negative, he affected surprise, and desired them to be + informed of his arrival when they came. He was shewn into + the front drawing-room, but he preferred the adjoining room, + and desired the servant to shew a gentleman, who would call, + into the front room, and let him know when he arrived. The + jeweller was to his time with the goods, and Mr. Winter paid + him a visit, and after looking over the goods, he selected + four watches, worth 100L. to shew the ladies in the next + room, instead of which he took his hat, and walked off with + the watches. After waiting till out of patience, the + jeweller rang the bell, and the servant missed Mr. Winter, + who had promised her servitude, the landlord his new tenant, + and the jeweller his watches! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[240]</span> It was now Miss Macgilligan's turn to + triumph, but, to the surprise and relief of her nephew, she did not avail + herself of the privilege; sensible, perhaps, that the loss which site + sustained, was occasioned by her own imprudence, and that his misfortune + might have happened to those even the most guarded against deception, she + consoled instead of recriminating. The most perfect unanimity now + prevailed between the two relatives; and the evening passed on with + increased pleasure. The unexpected migration of the new suit led to + conversation on the frauds of London, when Dashall justly observed, that + if the ingenuity exemplified in depredation was exercised in honest + industry, in place of being now the pest, many of those men might have + been the ornaments of Society. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0004" id="link42HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Tho' village delights may charm for a time, + With hunting, with cricket, with trap-ball and such, + The rambles in London are bang-up and prime, + And never can tire or trouble us much; + Tis a life of variety, frolic, and fun: + Rove which way you will, right or left, up or down. + All night by the gas, and all day by the sun, + Sure no joys can compare with the joys of the town." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[241]</span> Our two friends, in consequence of some + allusions made by the company at the Finish, on a preceding day, to a + house of great theatrical celebrity in Drury-lane, resolved on a visit the + following evening; and it may here be necessary to introduce such of our + readers as are not in the secret, to the same. + </p> + <p> + The Harp, opposite Drury-lane Theatre, is well known as the resort of + theatrical amateurs and professors; but those who have not had an + opportunity of visiting its interior, can scarcely form an idea of the + mirth, wit, and humour constantly displayed within its walls. The + circumstance here alluded to, though not exactly introduced in point of + time, is one which generally takes place once in three years; viz. the + election of a Mayor to represent the now City of Lushington, an event + which is attended with as much of bustle, interest, and whimsicality, as a + popular election for a member of Parliament. The generality of the persons + who are frequent visitors to the house are termed <i>Harponians</i>, and + by due qualification become citizens of Lushington. Although we cannot + give a true and circumstantial history of this ancient city, we doubt not + our numerous readers will discover that its title is derived from an + important article in life, commonly called Lush. The four wards are also + appropriately titled, as symbolical of the effects which are usually + produced by its improper application. On entering the room, the first + corner on the right hand is <i>Suicide Ward</i>, and derives its + appellation from a society so named, in which each member is bound by an + oath, that however he might feel inclined to lay violent hands upon his + glass, he would not lay violent hands upon his own existence. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[242]</span> The left hand corner has also a name as + appropriate as its neighbour, being called <i>Poverty Ward</i>; so termed + from its vicinity to the door, and the ease with which a citizen, whose + tanner case{1} and toggery{2} are out of repair, may make his entree and + exit, without subjecting himself to the embarrassing gaze and scrutiny of + his more fortunate fellow-citizens. Juniper Ward, which is directly + opposite to Poverty Ward, may in a moral point of view be said to mark the + natural gradation rom the one to the other. Whether these wards are so + placed by the moral considerations of the ingenious citizens or not, we + are at present unable to learn; but we have discovered that <i>Juniper + Ward</i> is so called in consequence of a club, consisting of seven + citizens, who bound themselves to meet every evening exactly on the spot, + taking each upon himself to defray the expense of <i>blue ruin</i> for the + whole party on each evening alternately. In the corner directly opposite + to Suicide Ward is <i>Lunatic Ward</i>, indicative no doubt of the few + steps there are between the one and the other: hence the four corner + pillars of this ancient and honourable city are replete with moral + instruction to the wise and discriminating part of society. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Tanner case—a pocket. + + 2 Toggery—cloathing. +</pre> + <p> + Each of these wards, like the wards of the City of London, has its + alderman, and no doubt can be entertained of their being ably represented, + as well as their rights and privileges being well secured and sustained. A + gentleman who is well known and highly respected for his abilities and + attentions as theatrical agent, which character he has sustained for many + years, is high bailiff, and at proper periods issues his writ in the + following form:— + </p> + <p> + "City of Lushington, (to wit.) + </p> + <p> + "The high bailiff having received a requisition to convene a meeting for + the purpose of nominating aldermen to represent the different wards, and + from them to elect a mayor for the above city for the year ensuing; + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[243]</span> "The high bailiff, in pursuance + thereof, fixes Saturday the 22d December inst. to nominate for the purpose + aforesaid, and from thence proceed to the election, which election is to + continue till the following Monday, being the 24th, when the poll is to be + closed. + </p> + <p> + "Given under my hand, this 18th day of December, 1821. (Signed) "F. SIMS, + high bailiff." + </p> + <p> + "Lushington Hall." + </p> + <p> + "The election to commence at 7 o'clock; the poll to be closed at half-past + 10." + </p> + <p> + After this official notice, preparations are made in due form for the + election, and in the fitting up of the hustings the most skilful and + ingenious artists are selected from the several wards, while the + candidates are employed in forming their committees, and canvassing their + friends and fellow-citizens, each of them professing an intention to + intersect the city with canals of sky blue, to reduce the price of heavy + wet, and to cultivate plantations of the weed, to be given away for the + benefit and advantage of the community, thereby to render taxation + useless, and the comforts of life comeatable by all ranks and degrees of + society. To take the burthensome load of civic state upon themselves, in + order that their friends and neighbours may be free; that independence may + become universal, and that the suffrages of the people may be beyond + controul nor can it be doubted but these professions are made with as much + sincerity in many of a similar nature in larger cities, and in situations + of much greater importance. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "For quacks profess the nation's ills to cure, + To mend small fortunes, and set up the poor; + And oft times neatly make their projects known, + By mending not the public's, but their own. + The poor indeed may prove their watchful cares, + That nicely sift and weigh their mean affairs, + From scanty earnings nibbling portions small, + As mice, by bits, steal cheese with rind and all; + But why should statesmen for mechanics carve, + What are they fit for but to work and starve." +</pre> + <p> + It is, however, proper to observe, that in the City of Lushington there + are no sinecures, no placemen and pensioners, to exhaust the treasury; + honour is the grand inducement for the acceptance of office, and highly + honour'd are those who are fortunate enough to obtain the mark s of + distinction to which they aspire. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[244]</span> The oath administered upon such + occasions is of a most serious and solemn nature; which, however, + notwithstanding the conscientious scruples of the voters, must be taken + with suitable gravity before they can be, permitted to poll; being in + substance nearly as follows:— + </p> + <p> + "I (A. B.) do swear that I have been an inhabitant of the City of + Lushington for the space of — years; and that I have taken within + its walls — pots of porter, — glasses of jackey, and smoked + —pipes; (the blanks are filled in according to circumstances); that + is to say, one pot of heavy wet, one glass of juniper, and one loading of + weed at least annually; have been the cause of such acts in others, or + have been present when such acts have been performed; and that I have not + polled at this election." + </p> + <p> + This oath is sworn with all due solemnity, by kissing the foot of a broken + glass, and the vote is then recorded. + </p> + <p> + Tom and Bob, who had so little previous intimation of this important + event, were informed as they proceeded to the scene of action, by a friend + of one of the candidates, that the election was strongly contested between + Sir William Sims, the son of the worthy high bailiff, Sir Benjamin + Rosebud, Jessamine Sweetbriar, Sir Peter Paid, and Peregrine Foxall, the + silver-toned orator, strongly supported by the Tag Rag and Bobtail Club. + Sir Frederick Atkinson introduced and proposed by the Marquis of Huntley, + a well known sporting character from the county of Surrey, and Mr. + Alderman Whetman, of Lushington notoriety. The door of the house was well + guarded by the <i>posse comitatis</i>, armed with staves, emblematical of + the renowned city to which they belonged, and decorated with the favors of + the different candidates by whom they were employed, or whose interest + they espoused. The staves, instead of the crown, were surmounted by + quartern measures, and produced a most striking and novel effect, as they + appeared to be more reverenced and respected than that gaudy bauble which + is a representative of Royalty. + </p> + <p> + At the moment of our friends entrance, large bodies of voters were brought + up by canvassing parties from the surrounding habitations, with colours + flying, and were introduced in succession to poll; and as time was fast + escaping, every one was active in support of his favourite candidate. All + was bustle and anxiety, and Tom and Bob approached the hustings with two + chimney-sweepers, a hackney-coachman, and three light bearers, alias + link-carriers, from Covent Garden Theatre. Having polled for Sir William + Sims, who very politely returned thanks for <span class="pagenum">[245]</span> + the honour conferred on him, standing room was provided for them by the + inhabitants of Lunatic Ward, who it should seem, like others under the + influence of the moon, have their lucid intervals, and who upon this + occasion displayed a more than usual portion of sanity, mingled with good + humour and humanity. + </p> + <p> + In this quarter of the city, where our friends expected to find + distracted, or at least abstracted intellect, they were very pleasingly + disappointed at discovering they were associated with reasonable and + intelligent beings; although some of them, fatigued by their exertions + during the election, were so strongly attacked by Somnus, that + notwithstanding the bustle with which they were surrounded, they + occasionally dropped into the arms of the drowsy god, and accompanied the + proceedings with a snore, till again roused to light and life by some more + wakeful inhabitant. + </p> + <p> + At the appointed time, the high bailiff announced the election closed, and + after an examination of the votes, declared the choice to have fallen on + Sir William, a circumstance which drew forth a unanimous burst of + approbation, long, loud, and deep, which in a few moments being + communicated to those without. This was as cordially and as vociferously + answered by anxious and admiring crowds. + </p> + <p> + The influx of citizens, upon the event being known, to hear the speeches + of the different candidates, choaked up every avenue to the hustings, and + beggars all description; the inimitable pencil of a Hogarth could hardly + have done justice to the scene, and a Common Hall of the City of London + might be considered a common fool to it; every voter had a right, + established that right, and enjoyed it. Here stood the well-dressed + Corinthian in his bang-up toggery, alongside of a man in armour, one of + the Braziers Company, armed with a pot-lid and a spit, and decorated with + a jack-chain round his neck. There stood a controller of the prads, a + Jarvey, in close conversation with one of the lighters of the world, with + his torch in hand. A flue faker in one corner, was endeavouring to explain + a distinction between smoke and gas to a lamplighter, who declared it as + his opinion, "that the City of Lushington,—at all times a luminous + and deservedly revered City,—had had more light thrown upon it that + election, by the introduction of the link carriers, than it ever had + before; and likewise that his dissertation on smoke and gas was not worth + one puff from his pipe." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[246]</span> In the midst of this bustle, noise and + confusion, it was some time before the high bailiff could obtain silence; + when Sir William made his appearance on the hustings, and in language well + suited for the occasion, declared the heartfelt gratitude he entertained + for the high and distinguished honour so handsomely conferred upon him, + with his determination never to lose sight of the invaluable rights and + privileges of his constituents, assuring them they were welcome to indulge + themselves with any thing the house afforded. He next complimented his + opponents on the very gentlemanlike way in which the election had been + conducted, and alluded most emphatically to the introduction of those + voters who endeavour to lighten the darkness of the world, the + link-carriers, who by their manners and conduct had become on that + occasion as it were links of a chain, which in point of friendship, good + humour and independence, he sincerely hoped would never be broken. + Rapturous applause followed this speech, which notwithstanding the almost + overpowering load of gratitude with which the speaker was burthened, was + given with good emphasis and corresponding effect. + </p> + <p> + The other candidates returned thanks to those of their fellow-citizens who + had supported their interest; and no one seeming inclined to call for a + scrutiny, Sir William took the official oath, and was invested with the + cloathing of magistracy, which being done, Mr. Alderman Whetman arose to + address the mayor. + </p> + <p> + The well known ability usually displayed by this gentleman, his patriotic + zeal, and undeviating integrity, commanded immediate silence, while he + informed the chief magistrate of a circumstance which had recently + occurred, and which left one of the wards unrepresented, by a worthy + alderman who in consequence of accepting an office in the board of + controul, had by the laws of Lushington vacated his seat. An explanation + being demanded, it appeared that the worthy alderman had become a deputy + manager of a country theatre, and consequently must be considered under + the board of controul; it was therefore necessary he should at least be + re-elected before he could be allowed to continue in the distinguished + station of alderman: this point being agreed to, the situation was + declared vacant, and a time appointed for the election. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[247]</span> The official business of the election + being over, harmony and conviviality became the order of the night; + foaming bowls and flowing glasses decorated the tables; many of the + citizens withdrawing to rest after their labours, made room for those who + remained, and every one seemed desirous to + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Wreath the bowl + With flowers of soul, + The brightest wit can find us; + We'll take a flight + Towards heav'n to-night, + And leave dull earth behind us." +</pre> + <p> + The song, the toast, the sentiment, followed each other in rapid + succession; mirth and good humour prevailed, and time, while he exhausted + himself, appeared to be inexhaustible. The beams of wit, the lively + sallies of humour, and the interchange of good fellowship, eradiated the + glass in its circulation, and doubly enhanced its contents; and in + amusements so truly congenial with the disposition of the Hon. Tom Dashall + and his Cousin, they joined till after four o'clock in the morning, thus + rendering themselves true and devoted citizens of Lushington, when they + sallied forth, tolerably well primed for any lark or spree which chance + might throw in their way. It was a fine morning, and while the shopkeepers + and trades-men were taking their rest, the market gardeners and others + were directing their waggons and carts to Covent Garden. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "we will just take a turn round the + Garden, and a stroll down Drury-lane, for a walk will do us no harm after + our night's amusement, and we can hardly fail to find subjects worthy of + observation, though; in all probability we are too early to realize all + the poet's description of a market:" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "A market's the circle for frolic and glee, + Where tastes of all kinds may be suited; + The dasher, the quiz, and the "up to all"—he, + Pluck sprees from the plants in it rooted. + If the joker, or queer one, would fain learn a place, + Where they'd wish for a morning to "lark it," + They need go no further than just shew their face, + In that region of mirth, a large market." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[248]</span> The streets that surround the theatres, + and which of an evening are thronged with the elegant equipage of the + visitors, were now filled with carts, waggons, and other vehicles of + various denominations, for conveyance of the marketable commodities to and + from the place of sale: here and there were groupes of Irishmen and + basket-women, endeavouring to obtain a load, and squabbling with assiduous + vociferations for the first call. + </p> + <p> + "This," said Tom, "is the largest market for vegetables we have in the + metropolis, and supplies numerous retail dealers with their stock in + trade; who assemble here early in the morning to make their bargains, and + get them home before the more important business of the day, that of + selling, commences." While Tom was explaining thus briefly to his Cousin, + aloud laugh attracted their attention, and drew them to a part of the + market where a crowd was collected, to witness a squabble between a Jew + orange merchant and a pork butcher.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Although the Hon. Tom Dashall hurried his Cousin from the + scene of altercation, at the time of its occurrence, they + enjoyed a hearty laugh at the following report of the facts + which appeared in one of the morning papers shortly + afterwards:— + + EFHRAIM versus STEWART. + + "This was a proceeding in limine, by which the plain till' + sought reparation for violence done to his religious + scruples and bodily health by the defendant, inasmuch as he, + the plaintiff being a Jew, on Wednesday, the 12th day of + this month, in the forenoon, in the parish of St. Paul + Covent Garden, did, with malice aforethought, knock him down + with a pig's head, contrary to the statute, and against the + peace of our Sovereign Lord the King," &c. + + Both plaintiff and defendant pleaded each for himself, no + counsel being employed on either side. + + Ephraim Ephraim deposed, that he is by profession an orange- + merchant, carrying on his business in Covent Garden market. + That the defendant, Richard Stewart, is a dealer in pork and + poultry in the said market; and that he the said Richard + Stewart, on the day and time then stated, did thrust a pig's + face against his cheek with such violence, as to throw him + backwards into a chest of oranges, whereby he sustained + great damage both in body, mind, and merchandize. Plaintiff + stated moreover, that he had previously and on sundry + occasions forewarned the said Richard Stewart, it was + contrary to the tenets of his religion to come in contact + with pork, and yet nevertheless he the said Richard did + frequently, and from time to time, intrude pork upon his + attention, by holding it up aloft in the market, and + exclaiming aloud, "Ephraim, will you have a mouthful?" All + this, he humbly submitted, betokened great malice and + wickedness in the said Richard, and he therefore besought + the magistrate to interpose the protection of the law in bis + behalf. + + The magistrate observed, that he was astonished a person of + Mr. Stewart's appearance and respectability should be guilty + of such conduct, and having explained to him that the law + afforded equal protection to the professors of every + religion, called upon him for his defence. + + "May it please your Worship," said Mr. Richard Stewart, who + is a well fed man, of a jolly and pleasing countenance, + "May it please your Worship, I keeps a shop in Covent Garden + Market, and have done so any time these ten years, and Mr. + Ephraim's stand is next to mine. Now, your Worship, on + Wednesday morning I'd a hamper o'pork sent up out + o'Hertfordshire, and so I opened the hamper, and at the top + of it lay a nice head, and I takes it and holds it up and + says I, Heres a bootiful head, says I, did ever any body see + such a handsome un, and sure enough your Worship it was the + most bootiftd as ever was, and would a done any body's heart + good to see it. It was cut so clean of the quarter (drawing + his finger closely across his own neck), and was so short + i'the snout, and as white as a sheet,—it was, your Worship, + remarkably handsome. And so, I said, says I, look here, did + ever tiny body see such a picture, holding it up just in + this manner. With that, 'Ah, says Mr. Ephraim, says he, now + my dream's out; I dream't last night that I saw two pig's + heads together, and there they are;' meaning my head, and + the pig's head, your Worship. Well, I took no notice o'that, + but I goes me gently behind him, and slides the pig's head + by the side of his head, claps my own o' the other side all + on a row, with the pig's in the middle, your Worship; and + says I to the folks, says I, now who'll say which is the + honestest face of the three. With that, your Worship, all + the folks fell a laughing, and I goes myself quietly back + again to a stall. But poor Ephraim, he fell in such a + passion! Lord, Lord, to see what a pucker he were in, he + danced, and he capered, and he rubbed his whiskers, though I + verily believe the pig's head never touched him; and he + jumped and he fidgeted about, all as one as if he was mad, + till at last he tumbled into the orange chest, your Worship, + of his own accord, as it were, and that's the long and the + short of it, your Worship, as my neighbours here can + specify." + + His Worship, having listened attentively to those + conflicting statements, decided that the defendant had acted + indecently in insulting the religious feelings of the + plaintiff, though at the same time the affair was hardly + worth carrying to the Sessions, and therefore he would + recommend the plaintiff to be satisfied with an apology. + + The defendant expressed the greatest willingness to + apologize. "For," says he, "I have ax'd another Jew what + could make Mr. Ephraim in such a passion; and he told me, + your Worship, that if you get a rale Jew, and rub him with a + bit o'pork, it's the greatest crime as ever was." + + Plaintiff and defendant then retired, and the + matter was compromised. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[250]</span> The Israelite appeared to be in a great + rage, swore he would have revenge of his insulting neighbour, and pull him + up. The exasperation of the Jew afforded much merriment to the spectators, + who seemed to enjoy his aggravation: our friends, however, had arrived too + late to discover the cause, and although not very particular about + discovering themselves amid the mob, conceived it most prudent to move + onward without inquiry; "for," as Tom observed, "if we ask any questions + we are sure to be told lies: "they then passed through the Market, made + their way up James-street to Long Acre, and thence to Drury-lane. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0001" id="link4image-0001"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page250.jpg" alt="Page250.jpg Drury Lane " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The watchmen were just leaving their stations, with an intention to + partake of what they had all night been endeavouring to deprive others, + and the humbler ranks of society were preparing for the business of the + day; while the batter'd beau, the clean'd out buck, and the dissipated + voluptuary, were occasionally to be seen gliding from holes and corners, + and scampering home with less wisdom in their heads, and less money in + their purses, than when they left. Here was to be seen the City shopman, + hastening away from his dulcenea, to get down his master's shutters before + the gouty old gentleman should be able to crawl down stairs; there, the + dandy, half dressed, and more than half seas over, buttoning his toggery + close round him to keep out the damp air of the morning, affecting to sing + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Be gone dull care;" +</pre> + <p> + slipped along, as he supposed, unobserved, between dustmen, scavengers, + flue-fakers, gardeners, fish-fags, and brick-layer's labourers—to + refit and put himself in a situation to recount the adventures of the + night. At one door, stood a shivering group of half-starved + chimney-sweepers, rending the air with their piercing cries of "sweep," + occasionally relieved by a few hearty d—-ns bestowed upon the + servant, that she did not come down, in order to let a diminutive urchin + yet up the flue; leaning against a post at the corner of the street was an + overdone Irishman, making a bargain with pug-nosed Peg, a sort of + half-bred pinafore cyprian, whose disappointments during the night induced + her to try at obtaining a morning customer. The Hibernian was relating the + ill usage he had been subjected to, and the necessity he had of making a + hasty retreat from the quarters he had taken up; while Bet Brill, on her + road to Billingsgate, was blowing him up for wearing odd boots, and being + a hod man—blowing a cloud sufficient to enliven and revive the whole + party. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[251]</span> "Poor fellow," said Tom, "it would be a + charity to pop him into a rattler, and drive him home; and do you see, he + is standing close to a mud cart, the delicate drippings of which are + gently replenishing his otherwise empty pockets." + </p> + <p> + "Be aisy," said Pat Murphy the hodman, "arn't he an Irish jontleman, arn't + I a jontleman from Ireland; and arn't it lit and proper, and right and + just, as well as jontlemanly, that two jontlemen should go together, so + come along Peg, we'll just take a taste of the cratur, drink success to + the lads of Shellaly, and put the matter in its right shape." With this + pug-nosed Peg seized him by one arm, and the last orator by the other, and + in a short time they entered a sluicery in the neighbourhood, which + enclosed the party from view. + </p> + <p> + Turning from the group which they had been paying attention to, they were + suddenly attracted by a female purveyor for the stomach, who was serving + out her tea, coffee, and saloop, from a boiling cauldron, and handing with + due complaisance to her customers bread and butter, which was as eagerly + swallowed and devoured by two dustmen, who appeared to relish their + delicate meal with as much of appetite and gout, as the pampered palate of + a City alderman would a plate of turtle. The figure of the lady, whose + commodities were thus desirable and refreshing to the hungry + dust-collectors, struck Bob at the first view as having something matronly + and kind about it. + </p> + <p> + "These persons," said Tom, "are really useful in their vocation; and while + they provide a wholesome beverage for the industrious, are rather + deserving of approbation than censure or molestation: the latter, however, + they are frequently subjected to; for the kids of lark, in their moments + of revelry, think lightly of such poor people's stock in trade, and + consider it a prime spree to upset the whole concern, without caring who + may be scalded by the downfall, or how many of their fellow-creatures may + go without a breakfast and dinner in consequence; but do you mark the + other woman behind her?" + </p> + <p> + "I do," said Bob, "and it is impossible to view them both without noticing + the striking contrast they form to each other." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[252]</span> "Your observations are just," continued + Tom; "that is an old beldame of the neighbourhood, in search of the poor + unhappy girl who has just taken the Irishman in tow, an encourager of all + that is vicious and baneful in society." + </p> + <p> + "I could almost judge that from her features," replied Bob, "though I do + not pretend to much skill in physiognomy." + </p> + <p> + "A debauched body and a vitiated mind are perceptible in her face, and + having remained on the town till these were too visible for her to hope + for a continuance, she is now a tutoress of others, to make the most of + those with whom they promiscuously associate. She furnishes the finery, + and shares the plunder. It is, however, a melancholy and disgusting + picture of Real Life in London, and merely deserves to be known in order + to be avoided, for there is no species of villainy to which persons of her + stamp"— + </p> + <p> + "Of whom it is to be hoped there are but few," cried Tallyho, interrupting + him. + </p> + <p> + "For the sake of human nature," replied Dashalt., "it is to be hoped so; + but there is no species of villainy to which they will not stoop." {1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The Hon. Tom Dashall's observations on this subject are + but too strikingly exemplified by a case heard at Worship- + street Police Office a short time back, in which Jemima + Matthews was charged with conduct which excited astonishment + at the depravity of human nature.—One of the parish + constables of Spitalfields stated, he proceeded to the + residence of the prisoner in Upper Cato-street, and found + the wretch at the bar surrounded by eight children, while a + supper, consisting of a variety of meats and vegetables, was + making ready on the fire. Three children, Frederick Clark, + John Clark, and John Bailey, were owned by their parents. + The children seemed so much under the controul of this + infamous woman, that they were afraid to tell the truth + until she was removed from the bar. Little Bailey then said, + they were daily sent out to steal what they could, and bring + it home in the evening. When they could get nothing else, + they stole meat from the butchers, and vegetables from the + green-grocers. The woman kept a pack of cards, by which she + told their fortunes, whether they would succeed, or be + caught by the officers. Mr. Swaby observed, that since he + had attended the Office, he never witnessed a case of so + much iniquity. The prisoner was remanded for further + examination, and the magistrate intimated he should desire + the parish to prosecute her for the misdemeanor, in exciting + these children to commit felonies. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[253]</span> At this moment their attention was + suddenly called to another subject, by a loud huzza from a combination of + voices at no great distance from where they then were, and in a few + minutes a considerable concourse of dustmen and others appeared in view. + </p> + <p> + "There is something in the wind," said Dashall, "we must have a look at + these gentry, for there is frequently some humour among them. + </p> + <p> + "I hope," replied Bob, "they have not overturned the dustcart in the wind, + for I am apprehensive in such a case we should scarcely have eyes to view + their frolics." + </p> + <p> + Tom laughed at the ready turn of his Cousin, and remarking that all flesh + was dust, proceeded towards the increasing party: here they soon found + out; that, as a venerable son of the fan-tailed-hat fraternity described + it, "a screw was loose." + </p> + <p> + "Perhaps," inquired Bob, "it is the linch-pin." "Why aye, mayhap as how + that there may be the case for aught I knows about it. Howsomdever, I'll + tell you all about it:—first and foremost you must know that Dick + Nobbs lives down here in Charles-street, and Dick Nobbs has got a wife. + Now she is the devil's own darling, and Dick is a match for her or the + devil himself, come from wherever he may, but as good a fellow as ever + lapp'd up a pail full of water-gruel; and so you must know as how Dick has + this here very morning been found out, in bed with another man's wife. The + other man is a nightman, and rubbish-carter, vhat lives in the same house + with Dick; so this here man being out all night at a job, Dick gets lushy, + and so help me———, he finds his way steady enough into + that there man's bed, and vhen that there man comes home, my eyes vhat a + blow up! There lays Dick Nobbs fast asleep in the man's wife's arms, so he + kicks up a row—Dick shews fight—and the man comes and tells us + all about it; so we are going to try him for a misdemeanor, and he can't + help himself no how whatsomedever." + </p> + <p> + Tom was alive to the story, and in a few minutes the culprit was conducted + to a neighbouring public-house, tried before a whole bench of the society, + cast, and condemned to undergo the usual sentence in such cases made and + provided, entitled, "Burning Shame," and active preparations were making + by those of the fraternity without, to carry into immediate execution the + sentence pronounced by those within. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[254]</span> The offender was decorated with a bunch + of Christmas in his hat, and two large carrots in the front, to represent + horns. In this manner he was mounted on the brawny shoulders of four of + his companions, preceded by the crier of the court, another dustman, with + a bell, which he rung lustily, and at intervals proclaimed the crime of + which the culprit had been found guilty. After the crier, followed eight + more of the brotherhood, two and two, their hats ornamented with bunches + of holly, and a burning candle in the front of each hat. Then came the + culprit, carried as already described, with a pot of heavy wet in one + hand, and a pipe of tobacco in the other, which he occasionally smoaked, + stooping forward to light it at one of the candles in the fantail hats of + his two front supporters. The rear of this ludicrous procession was + brought up by several other dustmen and coalheavers, and their ladies. The + procession set out from Charles-street, down Drury-lane, Great + Queen-street, Wild-street, and round Clare Market, followed by an immense + crowd, which kept increasing as they went, and nearly rendered the streets + impassable. Two collectors were appointed, one on each side of the street, + and were very active in levying contributions among the spectators to + defray the expenses. They stopped at several public-houses, where they + quaffed off oceans of heavy wet, and numerous streamlets of old Jamaica, + and then returned to headquarters in Charles-street, where the offence was + drowned in drink, and they and their ladies passed the remainder of the + evening, as happy as beer and gin, rum and tobacco, could make them. + </p> + <p> + Having witnessed a considerable part of this ceremonious proceeding, and + been informed of the intended finale, our friends, who began to feel + somewhat uncomfortable for want of refreshment and rest, proposed + returning home; and having thrown themselves into a hack, they in a short + time arrived at Piccadilly. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0005" id="link42HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'If in Real Life's chapter you e'er tind a blank, + 'Tis yourself and you only you justly can thank; + For to him who is willing—there's no need to stand, + Since enough may be found 'twixt Mile End and the Strand + To instruct, to inform, to disgust or invite, + To deplore, to respect, to regret or delight." + + "'Tis in London where unceasing novelty grows, + Always fresh—and in bloom like the opening rose; + But if to the rose we its sweetness compare, + "fis as freely confess'd many thorus gather there; + And if to avoid the latter you're prone, + 'Tis at least quite as well, where they are, should be known." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[255]</span> The arrival at Piccadilly turned out to + be truly agreeable to our friends, who were scarcely dressed and seated at + the breakfast-table, before they were surprised by the unexpected + appearance of an old friend, whose company and conversation had upon many + occasions afforded them so much pleasure and information. This was no + other than Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + "My dear boy," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "you are welcome to the scene of + former gratifications. How is your better half, and all friends in the + country—any increase in the family? Why you look as healthy as + Hygeia, and as steady as old time." + </p> + <p> + "I confess," replied Sparkle, "you ask so many questions upon important + subjects in one breath, that I am quite deficient of wind to answer them + seriatim. You must therefore take an answer in two words—all's + right." + </p> + <p> + "Enough," replied Tom, "then I am content; but how, what,—are you in + town alone?" + </p> + <p> + "You shall know all in time, but don't drive on too hard. I am glad to + meet you again in the regions of fun, frolic, and humour, of which I doubt + not there is, as there always was, a plentiful stock. Glad to see you both + in good health and tip-top spirits. I have only come to pass a fortnight + with you; and as I intend to make the utmost use of every minute of the + time, don't let us waste in empty words what would be better employed in + useful deeds." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[256]</span> "Useful deeds," re-echoed Tom, "useful + deeds—that savours of reflection. I thought you were fully aware it + is an article considered of little value in the labyrinths of London; but + since you are become, as I may venture to presume, a useful man, what may + be the objects upon which you propose to practise your utility?" + </p> + <p> + "Still the same I find, Tom; all life, spirit, and gaiety, nothing like a + hit, and I suppose you now think you have a palpable one. Never mind, I am + not easily disconcerted, therefore you may play off the artillery of your + wit without much chance of obtaining a triumph; but however, in plain + words, I expect to be a happy father in about another month." + </p> + <p> + "O ho!" said Tom, "then you are really a useful member of society, and I + suppose are merely come up to town for the purpose of picking up a little + more useful information and instruction how to perform the part of Papa." + </p> + <p> + "Nay," replied Sparkle, "I could hardly expect to obtain such from you. I + must therefore be excused and acquitted of all such intentions—but + joking apart, how are you devoted?" + </p> + <p> + "To you," replied Tallyho, who was much pleased by this accession to their + society. + </p> + <p> + "Then," continued Sparkle, "lend me all the assistance in your power. When + did you see our old friend Merrywell!" + </p> + <p> + "The last time I saw him was in a place of safety, studying the law, and + taking lessons from its professors in the Priory." + </p> + <p> + "We must find him," replied Sparkle; "so if you are not engaged, come + along, and I will relate the circumstances which induce this search as we + proceed." + </p> + <p> + To this proposal Tom and Bob readily acceding, the party were quickly on + their way towards Abbot's Park. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[257]</span> "You must know," said Sparkle, "that + Merry well's uncle in the country having received some information upon + the subject of his confinement, probably very highly coloured, has since + his release withdrawn his patronage and support, so that the poor fellow + has been without supplies for some time past, and I am at a loss to + conjecture by what means he is now working the oracle for a subsistence. + His uncle, however, is in the last stage of a severe illness, with little + chance of recovery; and as I apprehend there is but little time to spare, + I intend, if possible, to find our old acquaintance, start him for his + relative's residence, in hope that he may arrive in time to be in at the + death, and become inheritor of his estate, which is considerable, and may + otherwise be apportioned among persons for whom he has had but little or + no regard while living." + </p> + <p> + "The object in view is a good one," said Dashall, "and I sincerely hope we + shall succeed in our endeavours." + </p> + <p> + Passing down St. James's-street, Sparkle was quickly recognized by many of + his old acquaintances and friends, and congratulated upon his return to + the scenes where they had, in company with him, enjoyed many a lark; and + invitations came in as fast upon nim as the moments of life were fleeting + away: for the present, however, all engagements were declined, till the + principal object of his journey to London should be accomplished; and + after inquiries about old friends, and observations upon the passing + occurrences of the moment were over, they proceeded on their way. + Westminster Bridge was the precise line of direction for them to pursue, + and as fortune would have it, they had scarcely arrived at the foot of it, + before they discovered Merrywell bustling along in an opposite direction: + he, however, appeared rather inclined to pass without recognition or + acknowledgment, when Sparkle turning close upon him, gave him a hearty tap + on the shoulder, which made him as it were involuntarily turn his head. + </p> + <p> + "Well met," said Sparkle, "I want you." + </p> + <p> + "At whose suit. Sir?" was the immediate inquiry. + </p> + <p> + "To suit yourself," was a reply as quickly given. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" said Merrywell, "I had little idea of being tapped on the + shoulder by an old friend—but are you indeed in earnest?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly I am, and can't be refused; but if you should be pinched for + bail, I think I have two friends with me who will do the needful;" + introducing Tom and Bob. + </p> + <p> + "I see how it is," continued Merrywell, "and have no objection to a joke; + but I can't bear to have it carried too far.—How d'ye do, how d'ye + do—can't stop—in a devil of a hurry—full of business." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[258]</span> "Zounds!" said Tom, "you are almost as + bad as the man who having married a wife could not come; but if I may be + so bold, whither away so fast?" + </p> + <p> + "To Westminster Hall—the sessions is on—must go—law is + like the tide, it stays for none—adieu." + </p> + <p> + "We cannot part thus," said Sparkle, "I have come some miles in search of + you, and cannot afford to be played with now." + </p> + <p> + "Then accompany me to Westminster Hall, and I will be at your service." + </p> + <p> + "If not," replied Sparkle, "I shall enter a special detainer against you—so + come along." + </p> + <p> + They now entered Westminster Hall, where Merry well having disposed of + some briefs and other papers into the hands of a counsellor preparatory to + a cause coming on; + </p> + <p> + "There," continued he, unow I am at your service." + </p> + <p> + "Then tell me," said Sparkle, "what you are at." + </p> + <p> + "First," inquired Merry well, "let me know what is your object in asking + such a question." + </p> + <p> + This being briefly explained, together with the absolute necessity there + was for his leaving town without delay— + </p> + <p> + "Now," said he, "I am at liberty to give you a sketch of circumstances + which have befallen me since I saw you last." + </p> + <p> + "Come then," said Dashall, "we will proceed to Piccadilly, spend a + comfortable afternoon, and ship you off by the mail from the White Horse + Cellar at eight o'clock." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," was the reply. "Well, now you must understand, I am a + sort of dabbler in professions. I was liberated from the high wall of the + Priory by the Insolvent Debtor's Act; and since the unfortunate + representation to the Old Boy, which deprived me of the needful supplies, + I have tried my hand in three different ways." + </p> + <p> + "And which are they?" + </p> + <p> + "Love, law, and literature," continued Merry well. + </p> + <p> + "A very pretty combination," said Dashall, "and are you able to make them + blend comfortably together?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[259]</span> "Nothing more easy in the world. In the + first place, a lady has taken a fancy to me, which fancy I am willing to + indulge; in return for which she provides me with every indulgence.—I + profess to be principal in the office of a" lawyer of established + practice, who suffers me to share in the profits of such business as I can + obtain. In the way of literature I have as yet done but little, though I + am encouraged to hope much, from the success of others. Indeed I am told, + if I can but write libels for John Bull, I may make a rapid fortune." + </p> + <p> + "And when so made," said Sparkle, "I shall wish you well with it; but I + think the speculation I have already named much more likely to turn out + equal to your wishes, and more consonant with your feelings, than the + pursuit of either of those you have mentioned." + </p> + <p> + "There I agree perfectly with you; and if I can make all right with the + old gentleman, a fig for all the rest of my occupations: but you know I + always liked independence, and if I could not get a fortune ready made, I + had a desire to be the architect of one I should raise for myself." + </p> + <p> + "Why I know you have generally borne the character of a man of genius." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, and a deal my character did for me after quitting the walls. Why + man, I happened to hear of a vacancy in a city parish school, for which I + ventured to conceive myself duly qualified, and therefore determined to + make application to the churchwardens, one of whom had the character of + being a man of great power, and was said to be the first in his line in + the three kingdoms. Away I posted, full of hope and expectation of + becoming a second Caleb Quotem, not doubting but salary and circumstances + would turn out exactly to my wish." + </p> + <p> + "But I thought you liked independence," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Rather too much to engage in that concern," was the reply, "as you will + hear presently. Upon tracing out this gentleman who bore so strong a + recommendation to particular notice, you may guess my surprise upon + finding 'Purveyor of sausages' in gold letters over his door." + </p> + <p> + Dashall burst into an irresistible laugh, and was most cordially joined by + Sparkle and Tallyho, who were now strongly interested in the result of + Merrywell's account. + </p> + <p> + "When I arrived," continued Merry well, "this patron was reading the + newspaper, which he threw down immediately upon my entrance, having + mistaken me for a customer." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[260]</span> "Survaut, Sir," said he, pulling down + his greasy waist-coat.—"I am come, Sir," said I, "to make some + inquiry concerning a vacant school-master-ship."—"Oh there again," + resumed the sausage-making churchwarden,—"Vy you are the seventeenth + fellow that has been here to-day a bothering me about this plaguy vacasey. + How do you read? you'll have a trial before me and my brother + representative of this parish, and my spouse will also attend the reading + bouts. Now if so be as you minds your hits, why then may be you'll be the + dominy. But, mind you, I don't like your sonorous voices, and my spouse—she + knows things quite as well as I do,—she vants a great deal of + action, so only you mind, loud and sonorous, and plenty of muscular motion + for my spouse, that's the vay to win; but I haven't any time to talk to + you now, you must call of an evening, when I am more at leisure, and then + I'll explain; so move off now, Sir, move off, for I sees a customer coming—survant + maum."—"Flesh and blood could bear no more, and so"———"So + what," said Sparkle; "did you knock him down in the midst of his own + sausages?" + </p> + <p> + "No, no, I knew too much of the law for that; but I cut the churchwarden, + and bolted from the sausage-shop, determined to embrace law, physic, or + divinity, in preference to cutting + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "————— The rumps + Of little school-boy Jackies." +</pre> + <p> + "The study of the law was rather compulsory than voluntary, for during my + residence in the College I was under the necessity of devoting some part + of my time to, though I felt no great partiality for it; and you know law + is law; and as in such, and so forth, and hereby and aforesaid, provided + always nevertheless notwithstanding, law is like a country dance, people + are led up and down in it till they are tired: law is like a book of + surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like + physic, they that take least of it are best off: law is like a homely + gentlewoman, very well to follow: law is like a scolding wife, very bad + when it follows us: law is like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get + into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are glad when they get + out of it." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[261]</span> "I believe that sincerely," cried the + Hon. Tom Dashall; "for I think there are instances enough in which law has + nothing at all to do with justice."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This remark of the Hon. Tom Dashall is admirably + illustrated by the following statement:— + + Twelve People in one Bail Bond fob Ten Pounds.—There + are very few instances of delinquency which we have + stated, that will stagger the belief of the fair + practitioner, because they know such transactions are + possible; their only surprise is the impunity with which + they are committed, mixed with some regret that the + profession is so contaminated. The species of peculation + we have now to submit to our readers is of singular nature; + for we know not whether folly, impudence, or infamy, has the + greater share in the transaction; we will therefore leave + our readers to judge:—as to the statement of the fact, it + is impossible we can err, as we were concerned for the + defendants, and the case, singular as it is, was literally + and accurately thus:—One of those unfortunate females who + contribute to the existence of a miscreant crew of bawds, + milliners, hair-dressers, tally-women, and many other + reptiles of the same class, was arrested for ten pounds, at + the house of the celebrated, or, more properly speaking, + the notorious, Mrs. Johnson, of Jermyn-street:—the + attorney accompanied the officer; and it happened that a + young gentleman connected with a banking-house of great + respectability was present, whom the attorney directed to + take in a bail bond, with the lady-abbess herself; but as + they were not sufficiently responsible, ten more of the + cyprian tribe, all nuns of the same convent, were likewise + required to execute this bond; of course they complied. + The attorney, after having made the parties acquainted + with the great favour he had shewn them, and the vast + responsibility he had taken upon himself, required no more + than two guineas for the officer and himself; telling them + he would give them information when any thing further was to + be done; instead of which he took an assignment, sued out + process, prepared declarations, and served the parties. + + The gentleman, rather alarmed at the idea of the + circumstance being known, desired us to pay the debt and + costs: for that purpose we applied to the attorney, and to + our astonishment we were informed that the costs amounted to + Thirty Pounds! for that there were twelve defendants. The + reader cannot suppose that any thing further could pass upon + such a preposterous subject, than giving notice of an + application to the court, to set aside the proceedings. On + our return home we found eleven of the defendants, + consisting of the old brood hen and her chickens, each with + a copy of the process in her hand. The business now most + certainly put on the appearance of some costs. We again + applied to the attorney, and, by way of cutting it short, + offered him five pounds; but he, like many others who rely + on the integrity and propriety of their practice, disdained + a compromise, or abridgement of his lawful fees, and he was + hardy enough to suffer the application. It is almost + needless to say, the proceedings were set aside. We have + forebome to mention the name of the attorney, on account of + the misery in which this dreadful transaction has involved + him, a misery which amply atones for his offences, and + deprives him of the power of ever offending again as an + attorney. Far be it from us then to sink him deeper in the + gulph of wretchedness: we kick not the dead lion; it is + athletic triumphant villany against which we wage war. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[202]</span> By this time they were arrived in + Piccadilly, where they sat down to a cheerful refreshment, and proceeded + to make arrangements for Merry well's departure: previous to this, + however, Dashall and his Cousin had an engagement to keep with their + Hibernian friends, of which particulars will appear in the next Chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0006" id="link42HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + All hail to the day of the tutelar Saint, + Old George, not the King, but the Prince of brave fellows, + And Champion of England, by Providence sent + To slay a fierce Dragon as histories tell us! + + And hail to the King of the first Isle on Earth, + His fame with St. George and the Dragon who blending, + Has chosen to celebrate this as his birth, + The day of all others, good fortune portending. + + Away then with Care, let us haste to the Park, + Where Buckingham-house will exhibit a levy + Resplendent in rank, youth and beauty;—and hark! + Hoarse cannon announce both the birth-day and Levee. + + Reverberate then, in each sea-port the roar! + And wave England's Standard on high, from each steeple, + And skip from the oiling, each ship, to the shore, + And joyfully dance on dry land with the people!{1} + + 1 That we may not be accused of plagiarism, we acknowledge + ourselves indebted for the hyperbole contained in the last + two lines of these introductory stanzas, to an original + recommendation for a proper display of rapture, as + contained in the following couplet by one Peter Ker, wherein + he very humanely invites all the vessels belonging to Great + Britain to strand themselves out of joy for the accession of + James I. + + "Let subjects sing, bells ring, and cannons roar, + And every ship come dancing to the shore." + + The morning of St. George's Day was ushered in, as the + appointed anniversary of his Majesty's birth, by all the + church-bells of the metropolis, the waving of the royal + standard from the steeples, the display of the colours of + all nations by the vessels in the Thames, and Cumberland + mentions in his Memoirs, that when his father the Bishop + revisited his estate in Ireland, an affectionate rustic hit + upon an ingenious mode of shewing his happiness, by leaping + from a tree, and breaking his leg! We do not find that any + of his Majesty's loving subjects in the Park on St. George's + Day followed the example of the Irish rustic! +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0002" id="link4image-0002"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page263.jpg" alt="Page263.jpg St. George's Day " + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Other manifestations of affection by a grateful people to the best of + Sovereigns!— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The sky was overcast, the morning lower'd, + And heavily in clouds brought on the day." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[264]</span> But despite of wind or wet, female + curiosity must be gratified. Miss Judith Macgilligan had some time + previous to this auspicious day, expressed a desire to witness the gay and + brilliant assemblage of company in progress to the Levee, and Tom and Bob + having gallantly volunteered their services on this important occasion, + they now sallied forth, just as the Park and Tower guns were thundering + the announcement of festivity, and joining Sir Felix O'Grady and his aunt + at their lodgings, the party immediately moved onward to the scene of + action. + </p> + <p> + Already had Royalty taken wing, and dignified with his presence the late + maternal Palace, before our pedestrians reached the Park, to the great + disappointment of Miss Macgilligan, who however consoled herself with the + hope of being able to obtain a glimpse of monarchy as his Majesty passed + on his return to Carlton-house. + </p> + <p> + The Baronet in the meanwhile was in a reverie, which at last broke out in + the following rhapsody:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh! blest occasion of dispensing good, + How seldom used, how little understood!— + To nurse with tender care the thriving arts, + Watch every beam philosophy imparts: + To give religion her unbridled scope, + Nor judge by statute a believer's hope; + With close fidelity and love unfeign'd, + To keep the matrimonial bond unstain'd; + Covetous only of a virtuous praise, + His life a lesson to the land he sways. + Blest country where these kingly glories shine! + Blest England, if this happiness be thine! + + But,— + + If smiling peeresses, and simp'ring peers, + Encompassing his throne a few short years; + If the gilt carriage and the pamper'd steed, + That wants no driving and disdains the lead; + If guards, mechanically form'd in ranks, + Playing at beat of drum their martial pranks, + Should'ring, and standing as if stuck to stone, + While condescending majesty looks on;— + If monarchy consists in such base things, + Sighing, I say again, I pity Kings. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[265]</span> An immense number of splendid carriages + now presented themselves to view, in continued and uninterrupted + succession, stretching from the Horse Guards the whole length of the Mall, + to Buckingham-house, where each setting down, and thence taking up a + position in the Bird-cage Walk, they formed a circle of nearly two miles, + and exhibited, in the magnificence of the vehicles, the admirable symmetry + of the horses, and rich liveries of the attendants, a scene of interest, + matchless perhaps by any other metropolis in the universe. + </p> + <p> + Skirting the indeterminable line of carriages, that slowly and under + frequent stoppages proceeded to the goal of attraction, our party + penetrated at last the dense mass of spectators, and gaining a favourable + post of observation, took a position adjacent to Buckingham-house, where + the band of music of the Foot Guards within, and that of the Horse Guards + without the iron-railing circumscribing the palace, alternately enlivened + the scene with "concord of sweet sounds." + </p> + <p> + But the great and general object of attention, was that of female + loveliness, occupying almost every passing vehicle. Dashall remarked, that + he had never before been gratified with such an extensive and captivating + display. Sir Felix and the Squire were in raptures, and even the primitive + austerity of Miss Macgilligan yielded to the influence of beauty, and + acknowledging its predominancy, she at same time observed, that its + fascination was enhanced by the dress of the ladies, which, though + splendid, exhibited genuine taste, and was more remarkable for its uniform + adherence to modesty than she had hitherto seen it on any similar + occasion.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 We are not fastidious, neither would we wish the charms of + youth and beauty inaccessible to admiration; but certainly + the dress, or rather undress of our fair countrywomen, has + of late years bordered closely on nudity.—Female delicacy + is powerfully attractive; we were glad to observe its + predominancy at the last Levee, and we trust that it will + gain universal prevalence.—Edit. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[266]</span> Dashall, whose place would more + properly have been in the circle within the palace than amongst the + spectators without, was frequently saluted by the passing company; and + when the fair hand of beauty waved gracefully towards him, Sir Felix felt + happy in the friendship and society of a gentleman thus honoured with such + distinguished recognition, and in the warmth of his feelings exclaimed + aloud, that, "by the immortal powers, were he King of England, he would be + more proud of the irradiating charms of these celestial visiters, than in + the diadem of royalty and extension of empire!" This remark was + universally acquiesced in, and most cordially so by a group of lively + girls, to whom it had apparently given much pleasure; one of whom thanked + the Baronet in the name of the sex, and complimented him on his gallantry, + which she said was truly characteristic of his country. + </p> + <p> + To Sir Felix an encomium from a fair lady was ever irresistible. + </p> + <p> + He bowed, expressed a commensurate feeling of gratitude for the honour + conferred upon him, and professed himself an ardent admirer of the whole + of women kind; concluding by humming a stanza from Burns,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Auld Nature swears the lovely dears + Her noblest work she classes, O; + Her 'prentice han' she tried on man, + And then she made the lasses, O." +</pre> + <p> + Unluckily for the apophthegm of the Baronet, it so happened, that a + quarrel took place in the immediate vicinity and hearing of the party, + between two rival female fruiterers of the Emerald Isle; during which + incivilities were exchanged in language not altogether acceptable to the + auricular organs of delicacy. The brogue was that of Munster,—the + war of words waged quicker and faster; and from invective the heroines + seemed rapidly approximating to actual battle. Neither park-keeper nor + constable were at hand; and although the surrounding mobility "laughed at + the tumult and enjoyed the storm," Sir Felix, much distressed at so + untoward an incident, and deeply interested in the honour of his country, + so lately the theme of elegant panegyric, dashed through the crowd, the + component parts of which he scattered aside like chaff, and arrested the + further progress of the wranglers. + </p> + <p> + "Arrah, now, for the honour of Munster, be any, ye brats of the devil's + own begetting!" + </p> + <p> + "Hear him! hear him! hear the umpire!" resounded from all quarters. + </p> + <p> + "May the devil make hell-broth of ye both, in his own caldron!" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[267]</span> The mirth of the multitude became now + still more obstreperous, and Tom and Bob pushed forward to the assistance + of their friend, who was in the act of keeping the two viragos apart from + each other, having a hand on each, and holding them at arms length, + alternately threatening and remonstrating, while the two nymphs, with + frightful grimaces, struggled to elude his grasp, and abide the chance of + war;—the scene altogether would have afforded ample scope for the + pencil of an artist; and if not edifying, was at least to a numerous and + motley assemblage of spectators, highly entertaining. Sir Felix declined + the assistance of his friends,— + </p> + <p> + "Never mind it," said he, "I'll settle the affair myself, my honies:" and + slipping a half-crown piece into the hand of each of the amazons—"Now + be off wid you," he whispered,—"lave the Park immediately;—away + to the gin-shop;—shake hands wid each other in friendship; and drink + good-luck to Sir Felix O'Grady." + </p> + <p> + With many expressions of gratitude, the contending parties obeyed the + mandate, and walked off lovingly together, cheek-by-jowl, as if no + irruption of harmony had happened! + </p> + <p> + "Long life to him!" exclaimed a son of green Erin; "wid a word in the ear + he has settled the business at once." + </p> + <p> + "And I pray," said a reverend looking gentleman in black, "that all + conflicting powers may meet with like able mediation." + </p> + <p> + "Amen!" responded a fellow in the drawling nasil tone of a parish-clerk; + and the congregation dispersed. + </p> + <p> + The tumult thus happily subdued, Sir Felix, with Tom and Bob, rejoined + Miss Macgilligan and the group with whom she had been left in charge when + the two latter gentlemen came to the Baronet's relief. + </p> + <p> + The "ardent admirer of the whole of women kind" sustained the jokes of the + company with admirable equanimity of temper; and the same young lady who + had eulogized his gallantry, now said that it was unfair, and what the + Baronet could not possibly mean, to take his words in their literal + acceptation; at the same time she highly commended his benevolent + interference in the quarrel between the two women, and congratulated him + on his address in bringing it to an amicable termination. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[268]</span> Resuming their attention to the still + continued line of company, Dashall and his friends remarked that pearls + were a prominent part of female ornament at the present levee; + particularly, he said, with the galaxy of Civic beauty from the East; for + he had recognized so decorated, several elegantes, the wives and daughters + of aldermen, bankers, merchants and others, of his City acquaintances.{1} + A ponderous state carriage, carved and gilt in all directions, and the + pannels richly emblazoned with heraldry, now came slowly up the Mall, and + Sir Felix immediately announced the approach of the Lord Mayor of the City + of London; but as the vehicle approximated nearer towards him, he became + lost in a labyrinth of conjecture, on perceiving, that the pericranium of + its principal inmate was enveloped in a wig of appalling dimensions; he + now inquired whether the profundity of wisdom was denoted by the magnitude + of a wig; and if so, why it was not worn by the Civic Sovereign rather on + the seat of justice, where it might operate <i>in terrorem</i> on + delinquency, than on the happy occasion of his Majesty's anniversary; when + Dashall unravelled the mystery, by acquainting the Baronet, that the + personage whom he supposed to be the Lord Mayor of London, was the Lord + High Chancellor of England. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 By what curious links and fantastical relations are + mankind connected together. At the distance of half the + globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom + of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to + decorate the throat of a London alerman's wife! It is said + that the great Linnæus had discovered the secret of + infecting oysters with this perligenous disease; what is + become of the secret we know not, as the only interest tee + take in oysters, is of a much more vulgar, though perhaps a + more humane nature. Mr. Percival, in his Account of the + Island of Ceylon, gives a very interesting account of the + fishery, and of the Sea-dogs. "This animal is as fond of + the legs of Hindoos, as Hindoos are of the pearls of + oysters; and as one appetite appears to him much more + natural and less capricious' than the other, he never fails + to indulge it." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[269]</span> The company still poured along, + numerous and diversified, beyond all former precedent; including all the + nobility in town, their ladies, daughters, et cetera; officers of the army + and navy, grand crosses and knights companions of the most honourable + order of the Bath; dignified sages and learned brethren of the law; and, + "though last, not least in our esteem," the very right reverend Fathers in + God, the Lords Bishops, in the costume of sacerdotal panoply; and amidst + the fascination of female beauty, setting their affections on things + above!{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Latimer, bishop of Worcester, speaking of the gentlemen of + the black cloth, says,—"Well, I would all men would look to + their dutie, as God hath called them, and then we should + have a flourish-ing Christian common weale. And now I would + ask a strange question. Who is the most diligentest bishop + and prelate in all Englande, that passeth all the rest in + doing his office? 1 can tell, for I know him who it is; I + know him well. But now I think I see you listening and + hearkening that I should name him. There is one that passeth + all the other, and is the most diligent prelate and preacher + in all Englande. And will you know who it is? I will tell + you. It is the Devil! He is the most diligent preacher of + all other; he is never out of his diocese; he is never from + his cure; ye shall never fynde him unoccupyed; he is ever in + his parish; he keepeth residence at all times; ye shall + never fynde him out of the way; call for him when you will + he is ever at home; the diligentest preacher in all the + realme; no lording or loyteriug can hynder him; he is ever + applying his busyness; ye shall never f'ynde him idle I + warrant you." +</pre> + <p> + From noon until past four, visiters continued to arrive; when the + carriages again circumscribed the Park, each taking up at the gate of + Buckingham-house, and thence passing home by the Bird-cage Walk, and + through the Horse Guards. The arrangements were excellent; no accident + occurred. The Life Guards lined the Mall, and a numerous detachment of + police-officers were on the alert throughout the day. Their indefatigable + exertions however were not entirely available in counteracting the + industry of the light-fingered gentry, of whom there were many on the + look-out; and doubtless on this, as on every other occasion of public + resort in the metropolis, they reaped the fruits of a plentiful harvest. + </p> + <p> + The party sauntering along the Mall, Sir Felix observed one of the group + with whom he was associated when viewing the company proceeding to the + Palace, and would have entered into familiar chit-chat with him, but for + the interposition of Dashall, who taking the Baronet aside, cautioned him + against having intercourse with a stranger, of whom he knew nothing, but + who had all the appearance of a black-leg. + </p> + <p> + Dashall was an accurate observer of men and manners; and in the present + instance his conjecture was well founded; for, in a few subsequent + moments, + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[270]</span> What was the devil's gratitude to + Latimer for this eulogy According to his biography, "for his zeal in the + Protestant faith, he was, with Ridley, bishop of London, burnt at Oxford + in 1554." this assumed gentleman was met by a reconnoitering party of the + police, who claiming the privilege of old acquaintance, took him into + custody as a reputed thief, to the manifest surprise and dismay of Miss + Judith Macgilligan, who instinctively putting her hand into her pocket, + found that her purse had vanished through the medium of some invisible + agency. It contained, fortunately, silver only. She now mentioned her + loss, and expressed her suspicion of the gentleman in duresse; he having + stood close by her, for a considerable length of time, while she and her + friends were stationary in the Mall. The officers accordingly searched + him; but the wily adept, anticipating consequences, had disencumbered + himself of the purse; part of the silver, however, found in his + possession, tallied in description with that which had been lost, although + the lady could not identify it as her property. He was conducted from the + Park, with the view of being introduced to the recollection of the + magistrates of the Public-office in Bow-street. + </p> + <p> + During this transaction, a carriage bearing the royal arms, and attended + by two footmen only, drove rapidly along the Mall, without attracting + particular notice, and entering the garden-gate of Carlton-house, was + immediately lost to public view; nor did the numerous groups who were in + waiting to catch a transient glance of royalty, recognise in the + unassuming inmate of this vehicle, the sacred person of his most gracious + Majesty King George the Fourth, who was thus pleased modestly to decline + the congratulations of his loving subjects, by eluding, incognita, their + observation. + </p> + <p> + This was a second grievous disappointment to our venerable aunt, and might + have operated as a spell against the further enjoyment of the day; but the + gloom of vexation was dispersed by the Esquire of Belville-hall, who + observed, that the royal lineage of the lady might aspire to a more + intimate knowledge of majesty than a view <i>en passant</i>, and that at + any future levee there could not exist a doubt of the facility of Miss + Macgilligan's introduction. + </p> + <p> + A convenient and vacant bench presenting itself, the associates now seated + themselves. + </p> + <p> + "Apropos," exclaimed Sir Felix, "talking of the King, does his Majesty + mean to honour with another visit his Hanoverian dominions this ensuing + summer?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[271]</span> The inquiry was directed to Dashall, + whom the Baronet was accustomed to look upon as an universal + intelligencer. + </p> + <p> + Tom declared his incompetency to answer the question. + </p> + <p> + "Well," continued Sir Felix, "were I the monarch of this empire, J would + make myself acquainted with every part of it. A tour through England, + Scotland, and Ireland, should be my primary object, and a visit to my + foreign territories a subordinate consideration, I would travel from town + to town in the land that gave me birth; like the Tudors and the Stuarts; + with confidence in the loyalty of my people, my person should be familiar + to them, and 1 should at all times be accessible to their complaints. + Elizabeth and the Second James made frequent excursions into distant parts + of the country, and every where were received with addresses of fidelity. + Were his present Majesty to follow, in this respect, the example of his + royal predecessors, who can doubt his experiencing the most ample and + unequivocal demonstrations of attachment to his person and government?" + </p> + <p> + The friendly associates indulged a hearty laugh at the expense of the + visionary, although they did him the justice to believe that his + theoretical improvements on the policy of majesty were the ebullition of a + generous heart, warm in fraternal regard for the whole of human kind. + </p> + <p> + Tom, however, reminded him that the pusillanimous James II. acquired no + popularity by his royal tours; and that the affections of the people were + not to be gained by the merely personal condescension of the monarch.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 During the reign of King James II., and when, not unlike + the present day, the people were much oppressed and + burthened with taxes, that monarch having, in the course of + a tour through England, stopt at Winchelsea, the Corporation + resolved to address his Majesty; but as the Mayor could + neither read nor write, it was agreed that the Recorder + should prompt him on the occasion. Being introduced, the + Recorder whispered the trembling Mayor, "Hold up your head, + and look like a man." The Mayor mis-taking this for the + beginning of the speech, addressed the King, and repeated + aloud, "Hold up your head, and look like a man." The + Recorder, in amaze, whispered the Mayor, "What the devil do + you mean?" The Mayor in the same manner instantly repeated, + "What the devil do you mean?" The Recorder, alarmed, + whispered more earnestly, "By G——-d, Sir, you'll ruin us + all." + + The Mayor, still imagining this to be a part of his speech, + said, with all "his might, "By G——-d, Sir, you'll ruin us + all." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[272]</span>So slow was the progress of the vehicles + towards the palace for the purpose of taking up their respective owners, + that many gentlemen, whose residences were in the vicinity, rather than + wait, preferred walking across the Park; while the unusual exhibition of a + pedestrian in full court-dress excited no little attention from the + multitude. Our party proceeding in their lounge, was presently met by one + of these gentlemen, who recognizing Dashall and Tallyho, shook them + cordially by the hand, and was introduced to Sir Felix and his Aunt, as + Captain of the Royal Navy. + </p> + <p> + The Captain, to adopt a Court phrase, was most graciously received by the + lady; who observing he had been present at the Levee, begged that he would + favour her with an account of what had passed. + </p> + <p> + The gallant Captain, retracing his steps with his friends along the Mall, + said, that little or nothing had occurred worthy of remark. + </p> + <p> + "The drawing-room," he continued, "was crowded to such excess, that I + should have felt myself more at ease in the bilboes; however, amidst the + awkwardness of the squeeze, I frequently came into unavoidable contact + with some very fine girls, and that pleasure certainly more than + compensated all inconveniences. The King (God bless him)! perspired most + prodigiously; for the heat was intolerable; he appeared very much + fatigued; and 1 hope has retired with a superior relish to enjoy the + quietude and luxury of the royal table at Carlton Palace. The + presentations of the female sprigs of nobility were numerous, to all of + whom he paid particular attention, in duty bound, as a gallant Cavalier + and the best bred gentleman in Europe. Indeed, he seemed to gloat on the + charms of those terrestrial deities with ecstacy! The introductions were + endless, and the etiquette tiresome and monotonous. In fact, after making + my humble congée, extrication became my only object, and I effected a + retreat with difficulty. My stay was short, and as I had neither + inclination nor opportunity for minute remark, I hope, Madam, that you + will pardon my incapability of answering your inquiry in a more particular + manner." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[273]</span> Nothing farther could be elicited. In + truth, the Captain had left nothing untold; for his description of the + Levee, although succinct, was correct, laying aside the enumeration of the + <i>dramatis personæ</i>, too numerous, and in many instances perhaps too + insignificant, for recollection. + </p> + <p> + The gallant son of Neptune now took his leave, and the party continued to + enjoy the pleasure of the promenade. + </p> + <p> + The Park was still thronged with spectators, attracted by the retiring + visitors, of whom some it seems were no welcome guests. + </p> + <p> + Whether vice had contaminated the hallowed presence of Royalty, we cannot + take upon us to say; but it appears that the sanctum sanctorum had been + polluted by intrusion; for a notification was issued next day by the Lord + Chamberlain, prefaced with the usual Whereas, "that certain improper + persons had gained access to his Majesty's Levee, and stating, that in + future no one would be admitted unless in full Court dress, including + bag-wig, sword," &c.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 As if these appendages were only within the reach of the + higher classes of the community, and uncomeatable by + purchase! The most depraved character may obtain the + plausible appearance of gentility, and obtrude himself into + the first circle of fashion. These opportunities abound in + the metropolis; and such is the apathy of the present age, + that the accomplished swindler, of exterior allurement, + intermixes, <i>sans</i> inquiry, with honourable rank; and even + where inquiry is deemed necessary, all minor considerations + vanish before the talismanic influence of Wealth! "Is he + rich? Incalculably so! Then, let's have him, by all means." + Thus the initiated of Chesterfield obtain admission into + polished society, although the Principles of Politeness + inculcated by that nobleman, contain, as a celebrated + lexicographer said of them, "the morals of a wh**e, and the + manners of a dancing-master!" +</pre> + <p> + The party having lounged away another pleasant hour, made ultimately their + exit from the Park by the Stable-yard, and entering Pall Mall, were + agreeably surprised with a very interesting exhibition. + </p> + <p> + During many years of the late King's reign, it was usual on the birth-day + anniversary for the different mail coaches to pass in review before his + Majesty in front of St. James's Palace. The custom still prevails. + </p> + <p> + On the present occasion numerous spectators had assembled opposite Carl + ton-house; and it is presumed that the Sovereign thence witnessed the + procession, although he was not within the view of public observation. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[274]</span> Above thirty mail coaches, fresh gilt + and painted, or in the language of churchwardens, beautified, and each + drawn by four noble-spirited, yet perfectly tractable horses, elegantly + caparisoned, now made their appearance. The cavalcade moved slowly onward, + the prancing steeds impatient of restraint, and conscious of superiority. + On the box of each vehicle was seated a portly good looking man, the + knowing Jehu of the road, and behind was the guard, occasionally "winding + his bugle-horn" with melodious and scientific ability. The reins and + harness were new, so also were the royal liveries of the coachmen and + guards. Mounted conductors led the van of the procession, while others + accompanied it on either side; and the interest of the scene was + considerably heightened by each coach being occupied inside by handsome + well-dressed women and children. The rear of this imposing spectacle was + brought up by a long train of the twopenny post-boys, all newly clothed in + the royal uniform, and mounted on hardy ponies, chiefly of the Highland + and Shetland breed. The cavalcade halted in front of the royal residence, + and gave three cheers in honour of the day, which were heartily returned + by the populace. The procession then resumed its progress by + Charing-cross, the Strand, Fleet-street, Ludgate-hill, round St. Paul's, + and by Cheapside into Lombard-street, + </p> + <p> + Passing up the new street, the associates reached the mansion of Dashall, + who had previously engaged his friends to dinner. + </p> + <p> + An elegant repast was immediately served up, and highly enjoyed by the + party, after such prolonged exercise and abstinence. + </p> + <p> + The conversation turning on the recent interesting exhibition, it was + universally acknowledged, that the introduction of the mail coach into the + establishment of the General Post-office, might be classed among the + highest improvements of the age, as amazingly accelerating the celerity of + intercourse with all parts of the empire. Neither was the well-merited + meed of encomium withheld from the Twopenny-post Institution, by which, so + frequently in the course of the day, the facility of communication is kept + up within the metropolis and suburbs, extending to all adjacencies, and + bounded only by the limits of the bills of mortality. Dashall, who seldom + let slip an opportunity of appropriate remark <span class="pagenum">[275]</span> + digressed from the procession to the important national utility of the + Post-office, and thence, by easy transition, to the sublime powers of the + human mind, as emphatically exemplified in the invention of writing and + printing; while Sir Felix, who was well experienced in the British poets, + favoured his aunt with a quotation from Pope's Epistle of Heloisa to + Abelard, subject, however, to such whimsical interpolation as he deemed + suitable to the occasion:— + </p> + <p> + Heaven first taught letters for some wretch's aid, Some antique, lovesick, + North of Ireland maid! They live, they speak, they breathe what age + inspires, Preposterous fondness and impure desires! The latent wish + without a blush impart, Reveal the frailties of a morbid heart; Speed the + neglected sigh from soul to soul, And waft a groan from Indus to the Pole! + </p> + <p> + The reading of Miss Macgilligan, like her ideas, was rather on a + contracted scale. She suspected, however, that her nephew had aimed + against her the shafts of ridicule, and was preparing her resentment + accordingly; when the Baronet deprecating her wrath, assured her, that he + had recited the lines exactly as originally written, and that in the + present clay they had no personal application, having been composed by a + little cynical fellow many years before Miss Macgilligan came into + existence.—The lady gave credence to the assertion, and the + impending storm was happily averted. + </p> + <p> + The residence of royalty being within the precinct of St. James's, the + bells of the neighbouring church sounded a merry peal in the ears of the + party; and were responded to by those of St, Martin-in-the-Fields, a + parish of which it is remarkable that his Majesty George II. was once + church-warden, serving the office, of course, by deputy. The steeple of + this church, as well as those of many others in the metropolis, displayed, + throughout the day, the royal standard, a manifestation of loyalty which + likewise extended itself to the liquid element of old father Thames, where + many of the vessels commemorated the anniversary by frequent salutes of + artillery, under the decorative and splendid canopy formed by the colours + of all nations. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[276]</span> The carriages of the foreign + ambassadors, and those of the friends of government, were again in + requisition, and rattled along the streets towards the several mansions of + the members of administration, who each, in conformity with ancient usage, + gave a grand dinner on the birth-day, at least on that appointed for its + celebration. + </p> + <p> + "At these dinners," said Dashall, "politics and etiquette are both laid + aside; conviviality is the order of the day; the glass, the joke, the + repartee and the 'retort courteous,' circulate freely, and all is harmony + and good humour." + </p> + <p> + "With sometimes a sprinkling of alloy," said the Squire, "I have heard + that during the administration of Mr. Pitt, he and the Lord Chancellor + Thurlow were frequently at variance on subjects having no reference to + politics, and even under the exhilirating influence of the grape." + </p> + <p> + The party were all attention, and the Squire proceeded—"At a cabinet + dinner a discussion took place between the Premier and Lord Chancellor, as + to the comparative merits of the Latin and English languages. Mr. Pitt + gave the preference to the former, the Chancellor! to the latter; and the + arguments on both sides were carried on with equal pertinacity.—The + Premier would not yield a jot in opinion. Becoming at last impatient of + opposition, + </p> + <p> + "Why," said he, "the English language is an ambiguity—two negatives + make an affirmative; but in the Latin, two negatives make a positive."—"Then," + said the Chancellor, "your father and mother must have been two negatives, + to make such a positive fellow as you are!"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Lord Chancellor Thurlow, although a very eccentric + character, was yet a man of uncommon benevolence. A vacancy + having occurred in a valuable living of which he had the + presentation, numerous were the candidates for the benefice; + and amongst others, one, recommended by several of the + nobility, friends of the ministry, who made himself sure of + the appointment, although, directly or indirectly, the + Chancellor had not given any promise. In the meanwhile, it + was one morning announced to his Lordship, that a gentleman, + apparently a clergyman, waited the honour of an interview. + The servant was ordered to shew the stranger into the + library, whither the Chancellor shortly repaired, and + inquired the object of the visit. "My Lord," said the + other, "I served the office of Curate under the deceased + Rector, and understanding that the presentation is in your + Lordship's gift"—"You want the living," exclaimed the + Chancellor, gruffly. "No, my Lord; my humble pretensions + soar not so high; but I presume, most respectfully, to + entreat your Lordship's influence with the new Incumbent, + that I may be continued in the Curacy." Surprised and + pleased by the singular modesty of the applicant, who had + served the same parish as Curate above twenty years, and now + produced the most ample testimonials of character, his + Lordship entered into conversation with him, and found him + of extensive erudition, and orthodox principles. He + ascertained, besides, that this poor Curate had a wife with + six children entirely dependent on his exertions for + support; and that the remuneration allowed for the faithful + discharge of arduous duties, had been only thirty pounds per + annum. The Chancellor now promised his influence in behalf + of the Curate, with the person who probably might succeed to + the living. "I shall see him," added his Lordship, "this + very day; attend me to-morrow, and you shall know the + result." The Curate took bis leave, and in the course of the + morning the would-be Rector made his appearance. "O!" + exclaimed his Lordship, entering directly into the business, + "I have had a humble suitor with me to-day,—the Curate of + the late incumbent whom you are desirous of succeeding; he + wishes to continue in the Curacy; the poor man is burthened + with a large family, and hitherto has been very inadequately + rewarded for his labour in the productive vineyard of which + you anticipate the possession and emolument. Suppose that + you constitute the happiness of this worthy man, by giving + him a salary of one hundred pounds per annum; he will have + all the duties to perform, and you will pocket a surplus, + even then, of seven hundred a year, for in fact doing + nothing!" This would-be was astonished; he had never before + heard of a Curate in the receipt of one hundred pounds per + annum; besides, he had already engaged a person to do the + duty for twenty-five pounds. Fired with indignation at the + inhumanity and arrogant presumption of this callous-hearted + Clergyman,—"What!" exclaimed his Lordship, "and so you + would turn the poor Curate out of doors, and abridge the + miserable pittance of his successor, and all this before + you've got the living! John, shew this fellmo down stairs!" + Gladly would this Incumbent, by anticipation, have conceded + every point required; but it was too late; the die was cast, + and he found himself in the street, unknowing how he got + there, whether on his hands or his lucls! Next day the + Curate was announced. "I have not been able to succeed," + said his Lordship,—"the new Incumbent has engaged a person + who will do the duty for twenty-five pounds per annum." His + Lordship paused, and the unfortunate Curate looked the + personification of Despondency. "Cheer up, man!" exclaimed + his Lordship, "If I have not influence sufficient to + continue you in possession of the Curacy, I can, at least, + give you the Living!" putting into the hands, at the same + time, of the amazed Curate, the presentation to a Rectory + worth eight hundred pounds per annum!! Here we must draw the + Grecian painter's veil,—the gratification on either side + may be conceived, but cannot be expressed. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[278]</span> Sir Felix laughed heartily at this + anecdote, and inquired of his aunt whether she knew any of the Positive + family in the North of Ireland. + </p> + <p> + "Perfectly well," retorted the lady, "they are allied to the <i>Wrongheads</i> + of the province of Munster!" + </p> + <p> + This reproof, which was hailed with applause by Tom and Bob, + dumb-foundered the Baronet, who became suddenly taciturn; but his habitual + good humour predominated, and conscious that he had brought on himself the + inflicted castigation, he resolved on a cessation of hostilities for the + remainder of the evening. + </p> + <p> + The invitation by Dashall having been without formal ceremony, and + unhesitatingly accepted by Miss Macgilligan and her nephew, they now, in + turn, claimed the like privilege of freedom, by soliciting the company of + the two Cousins to supper; a request which Tom and Bob cheerfully + acquiesced in; and the party immediately set out for the Baronet's + lodgings, preferring to walk the short distance, that they might view, + more leisurely, the accustomed illuminations on the anniversary of his + Majesty's birth-day. + </p> + <p> + The variegated lamps were tastefully arranged; but this effusion of + loyalty was rather of an interested than interesting description, being + confined wholly to the public-offices, the theatres, and the different + houses of his Majesty's tradesmen; no other habitation in this immense + metropolis bearing any external indication of attachment, on the part of + its occupant, to the Sovereign of the British Empire! + </p> + <p> + "Here comes a set of jolly fellows," exclaimed the Baronet, as the party + of friends turned into Bow-street from Covent-Garden, "who are at least + determined to honour the anniversary of St. George and their Sovereign," + the clang of marrow bones and cleavers resounding with harsh and stunning + dissonance. + </p> + <p> + "Rather," said Dashall, "fellows determined to levy contributions on the + public, caring as little for the actual George the King, as they do for + the fabulous George the Champion." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Now loud and yet louder the grating din grew, + And near and more near still the butcher-gang drew; + Rapacious, obstrep'rous, a turbulent set, + And bent on annoyance of all whom they met. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[279]</span> It was in vain that our party attempted + to avoid them by crossing the street. The intention was quickly thwarted + by these self-licensed prowlers, who intercepting our associates in the + carriage-way, encircled them in such a manner, as to preclude the + possibility of extrication; and raised, at the same time, a discoid of + sounds, compared with which the vocal minstrelsy of the long-eared braying + fraternity would have been the music of the spheres! + </p> + <p> + Sir Felix, in chastisement of their arrogance, would singly have + encountered the whole group, had he not been restrained by Tom and Bob, + who rather than engage in a street brawl with a host of pertinacious + adversaries, chose to yield to circumstances, and purchase freedom at the + expense of a trifling pecuniary consideration, with which the collectors + departed well satisfied. + </p> + <p> + Our observers having thus obtained their liberty, renewed their walk, and + reached the lodgings of the Baronet without farther interruption. + </p> + <p> + During their perambulation, the following article was put into the hands + of the Squire, with which we shall conclude our Chapter of Incidents;— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE KING AND THE LAUREAT. + + A LOYAL BIRTH-DAY EFFUSION. + + Hail! mighty Monarch of a mighty People!— + While tuneful peals resound from tower and steeple, + And thundering cannons gratulations roar, + Fright'ning old Father Thames from shore to shore;— + For King or etiquette while nobles caring, + To Buckingham-house by hundreds are repairing, + With gorgeous Dames, to whom this day a bliss is; + Accompanied by smiling lovely misses + Of eager appetite, who long to gorge + And batten on the favours of King George; + While London's Mayor and Aldermen set out + In Civic state, to grace the royal rout; + While strut the Guards in black straps and white gaiters + In honour of their Patron and Creators;{1}— + While General Birnie musters all his forces + Of foot Police, and spavin'd Police horses, + To guard St. James's Park from innovation, + And cheque the daringness of depredation;— + While for those partizans who mind their manners + The cabinet ministers prepare grand dinners, + And I, and others of my kindred trumpery, + Dine with the vision'ry 'yclept Duke Humphrey:{2} + I whom the Muses sometimes deign to greet, + Though perch'd in "garret vile" in White-cross street, + + 1 In honour of their Patron and Creators.—The poet, we + presume, means to draw a line of distinction between the + Military and Civic community; the one being the work of God, + the other the creation of man. + + 2 Duke Humphrey.—An ideal personage, with whom the un- + fortunate wight is said to dine who has not got a dinner to + eat. + + <i>Sans</i> viands, drink, or necessary clothing, + Reckless of fate, and even existence loathing; + Great King amidst each various passing matter + On this auspicious day, I will not flatter; + Not that I cannot; aye, as well as any + Of heretofore or present lauréat Zany!— + But lack of payment, Sir, and lack of zeal; + Could I your gracious bounty hope to feel, + Invention then, on eagles wings should rise, + And laud your nameless virtues to the skies!— + + But as it is,—all hail the King!— + With shouts let now the welkin ring, + And hence all doubts and fears; + May ages yet to come obey + The Fourth King George's lenient sway, + Even for a thousand years!{1} + + Methinks his portly form I see, + Encircled at this grand Levee + By courtly lords and ladies; + Returning every bow with smiles, + Where selfish adulation's wiles + A profitable trade is. + + But where, amid this grand display, + Is Soutkey, on each natal day + Who charm'd with Ode delicious? + Why absent now the tuneful lore, + Why sing not, as in days of yore,— + + Has Roy'lty grown capricious? + Or barren is the courtly verse + Of genuine subject, to rehearse + The mighty monarch's fame; + His public virtues, private worth, + To chant in grateful measure forth, + And o'er the world proclaim? + + Tush, man! a driveller then, thou art, + Unequal to the merry part + Thou undertook'st to play;— + The Birth-day comes but once a year, + Then tune thy dulcet notes and clear, + Again in annual lay. + + 1 When the combined fleets of England and Spain blockaded + the port of Toulon, the Spanish Admiral terminated a + dispatch to Lord Hood with the following notable wish,—May + your Excellency live a THOUSAND YEARS! + + Thou, who wilt still persist to write + In public apathy's despite, + Can claim no just pretension + On which to found a vague excuse;— + Then trust, in dearth of truth, the Muse + Prolific in invention. + + Hast thou no conscience left? alack! + Hast thou forgot thy Pipe of Sack! + And annual pounds two hundred?{1} + That Hume hath not attack'd thy post, + And caused it to give up the ghost, + Is greatly to be wonder'd! + + But if the place must still be kept, + Though long the princely themes have slept + That erst the Muses lauded;— + Give it to me, ye gods! and then + Shall Kings, above all other men, + Be rapturously applauded! + + Content with half that Southey shares, + I then would drown all worldly cares, + Yet Sack I'd not require;— + Give me, in place of Falstaff's wine, + A butt,—to wake the song divine, + + Of Hanbury's Entire! + Now God preserve the comely face + Of George the Fourth, and grant him grace + For kindred soids to brag on!— + May future times his deeds proclaim, + And may he even eclipse the fame + Of—Saint George and the Dragon.' + + 1 Formerly the allowance was a pipe of sack and one hundred + pounds; but his present Majesty, taking into his gracious + consideration the very difficult task which the Lauréat had + to perform, increased his salary to 200L. per annum!! +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0007" id="link42HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Of ups and downs we daily see + Examples most surprising, + The high and low of each degree, + Now falling are, now rising. + + Some up, some down, some in, some out, + Home neither one nor t'other; + Knaves—fools—Jews—Gentiles—join the rout, + And jostle one another. + + By ups and downs some folks they say + Among grandees have got, Sir, + Who were themselves but yesterday + The Lord knows who, or what, Sir. + + <i>Sans</i> sense or pence, in merits chair, + They dose and dream supine 0; + But how the devil they came there, + That neither you nor I know." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[282]</span> The departure of Merrywell left our + three friends at perfect liberty, and they were determined to enjoy it as + much as possible during Sparkle's visit. The remainder of the evening was + therefore devoted to the retracing of past events, in which they had + formerly been engaged together, in drinking success to Merrywell's + journey, and in laying down some plans for the proceedings of the next + day. On the latter subject, however, there were as many opinions as there + were persons. The Hon. Tom Dash all proposed going to the Review—Sparkle + was for a journey to Gravesend in the steam-boat, with the religious + friends who were to accompany Lord Gambier—and Tallyho proposed a + visit to the Tower of London, in order to inspect its interior. It was + therefore left undecided till the morning, which proving extremely + inviting, they determined to sally forth, and leave the direction of their + course wholly to chance, as they had many times done before. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[283]</span> Sparkle's relish for the sprees and + sports of a London life, was evidently injured by his residence in the + country; though at the same time former scenes and former circumstances + rushing occasionally upon his sight and his recollection, appeared to + afford him gratification and delight. + </p> + <p> + "And how," said Sparkle, addressing himself to Tallyho, "do you like the + scene of ever varying novelty—has it lost any of its charms since I + saw you last?" + </p> + <p> + "By no means," replied Tallyho; "for although many of them are grown + familiar to me, and many are also calculated to excite painful feelings, I + am not yet tired of the inquiry. I set out with the intention to + contemplate men and manners as they actually are, and I conceive a useful + lesson for instruction and improvement may be afforded by it." + </p> + <p> + "Right," continued Sparkle, "real life is a most excellent school; and if + in imbibing the instruction with which it is fraught, the judgment is not + misled, or the mind vitiated none can be more important to mankind." + </p> + <p> + "Come," said Tom, "I see you are getting into one of your moralizing + strains, such as you left us with. Now I am well aware that you have an + excellent acquaintance with the pursuits you are speaking of, and have + enjoyed them as much as myself; nor can I conceive that your temporary + absence has wrought such a change in your opinion, as to make you wholly + disregard the amusements they afford. So come along, no more preaching; + "and thus saying, he seized him by one arm, while Tallyho closed upon the + other; and they proceeded on their way along Piccadilly towards the + Haymarket. + </p> + <p> + "Besides," continued Dashall, "every day makes a difference in this + metropolis; so that even you who have proved yourself so able a delineator + of men and things as they were, may still find many things deserving of + your observation as they are." + </p> + <p> + "I do not doubt it," was the reply; "and consequently expect, that having + just arrived from rural felicity, you will direct my footsteps to the most + novel scene of metropolitan splendour or extraordinary character." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[284]</span> "Character is an abundant and + everlasting supply of humour and eccentricity for an observant quiz like + yourself, and being fly to most occurrences either in town or country, I + shall rather confine myself to the most remarkable circumstances that + happen to strike my recollection us we proceed. The first that occurs at + this moment, is the opening of a new establishment in Regent-street, under + the title of the Cafe Royale, to which, as we have not yet paid a visit, I + propose now to direct your steps." + </p> + <p> + "Cafe Royale" repeated Sparkle, "there is something Frenchified in the + sound. I suppose it is quite in the tip top stile of elegance." + </p> + <p> + "So says report." + </p> + <p> + "Then <i>allons</i>,—but as we proceed, I beg to ask one question. + If it be considered important in a national point of view, that the + superior elegancies of our Parisian neighbours should be engrafted on our + own habits, and that an establishment of this nature should be formed, + with a view of its becoming the resort of rank and fashion, whether any + good reason can be given why such an establishment, in an English city for + Englishmen, should not have an English title?" + </p> + <p> + "A most extraordinary question for a fashionable man." + </p> + <p> + "It may be so," continued Sparkle; "but you must attribute it to my + country habits of thinking: however, as I like argument better than + assertion, I see no reason to abandon my question. The adoption of any + thing foreign, is only rational in proportion as it is useful or + agreeable; for foreign wines, foreign fruits, foreign made coffee, &c. + no one can be a greater advocate than myself; but I apprehend that these + good things may taste as well, whether the room in which they are taken be + called by a French or an English name." + </p> + <p> + "That is a truth so self evident as to require no reply; and really I can + give no sort of reason for the adoption of a French title, unless it be + with a view to give it that air of novelty which invariably proves + attractive to Johnny Bull; and I think I need not attempt to explain to + you the importance of a title." + </p> + <p> + "However," said Sparkle, "I cannot help thinking, that if the place + alluded to is to become a permanent establishment, it would become an + Englishman to have an English name for it. We need not be ashamed of our + language, although some folks disdain to use it, if they can find any + substitute, however inapt. Why should it not be called the Royal + Coffee-house, the King's Coffee-house, the Patrician, the Universal, or in + fact any thing, so that it be English?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[285]</span> "Because," said Tallyho, "those titles + are already engrossed by newspaper editors, coffee-shops of a lower order, + magazines, &c.: for instance, we have the Royal Magazine, the + Universal Magazine; and consequently these are all grown common, and any + thing common is extremely vulgar." + </p> + <p> + "Besides," continued Dashall, "<i>Cafe Royale</i> is a mouthful, without + attacking its contents; and the very sound of it seems to impart a taste, + before you approach it, of what may be obtained in the interior. Zounds! + this country life of your's seems to have altered your opinions, and + almost obliterated your former education: I never had any relish for it." + </p> + <p> + "In town let me live, and in town let me die, For in truth 1 can't relish + the country, not I: If one must have a villa in summer to dwell, Oh give + me the sweet shady side of Pall Mall." + </p> + <p> + By this time they had reached the Cafe Royale, and upon entrance were + ushered by a man in blue livery, with gold laced trimmings, into an + apartment far exceeding in splendour any thing that their previous + conversation had led them to expect. The walls, formed of looking glass + and rich tapestry, and ornamented in a fanciful manner, reflected their + persons as they passed along at every point; while the choicest flowers + and shrubs, with which they were surrounded, sent forth a delightful + fragrance, and gave some distant idea of Eastern luxuries. + </p> + <p> + "Here," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "is elegance at least; and if the + accommodations are found to be equally good, it can be of little + consequence to us whether the place itself have an English or a foreign + name." + </p> + <p> + "I confess," replied Sparkle, "that I still conceive, that as a place of + resort appropriated to the upper ranks of natives and foreigners, + magnificent in its decorations, superior in its accommodations, and + conducted with skill and liberality, to become truly national and + deserving of support, it should be honoured with an English title." + </p> + <p> + "And that it certainly is," continued Dashall, "not only one but many, for + nobility is frequently to be found within its walls; nay, a proof of it + appears at this moment, for there is Lord P——— and Lord + C——— now entering; but come, let us try the coffee, + catch a view of the papers, and proceed." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[286]</span> They had now seated themselves near an + elderly gentleman, who seemed to be in deep contemplation, occasionally + rubbing his hands with apparent gratification, and shaking his head with + importance, while he glanced over a newspaper which lay before him. + </p> + <p> + "I should judge," said Tallyho, "he is a member of parliament, probably + conning over the report of his last night's speech in the House." + </p> + <p> + "Or probably," said Dashall, "an author in search of ideas for his next + publication, wherein he intends to cut up the ministers and their + measures." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," continued Sparkle, "or a quack doctor, examining if the editor has + given insertion to his new flaming advertisement, wherein he promises to + perform what is utterly impossible to be accomplished." + </p> + <p> + "I wonder if he can speak," said Tom, laying clown the paper; "I'll try + him.—A fine morning, Sir." + </p> + <p> + As this was directed immediately to meet the old gentleman's ear, he + looked up for the first time since they had entered. + </p> + <p> + "Beautiful, Sir," was the reply—and here the conversation ceased + again. + </p> + <p> + "Excellent coffee," said Sparkle,—"is there any news to-day, Sir?" + endeavouring to rouse him again. + </p> + <p> + "There is always news, Sir," was the reply, taking a plentiful supply of + snuff. + </p> + <p> + "Of one sort or other," continued Bon. + </p> + <p> + "Why yes, have we not every day a quantity of newspapers that make their + appearance with the sun?" + </p> + <p> + "Truly," replied Sparkle; "but you could hardly misunderstand me—I + alluded to something out of the common run of events; such, for instance, + as relates to the interests of the nation, the agricultural distress, the + distress of the Irish, the state of the American independents, the + proceedings of the Spanish cortes, and the French chamber; the movements + of the Greeks, the operations of Turkey and Russia, or the—or—" + </p> + <p> + "Why, Sir, your inquiries are very rational; and as I perceive you have a + desire for intelligence, and I have at all times a desire to impart such + as I am in possession of for the benefit of others, the newspapers have + abundance of information; but I must say the editors, though men of + education and intelligence, are not always well informed: besides, Sir, + there is no reliance on their assertions; many valuable and important + secrets are in the hands of individuals, which never find their way into + the public journals." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[288]</span> Having proceeded thus far, our three + friends were all anxiety to continue what now assumed the appearance of an + interesting conversation. + </p> + <p> + "The nation is gull'd by misrepresentation, from the high to the low one + system is acted upon; but I have a document in my pocket which came into + my possession in rather an extraordinary manner, and is as extraordinary + in its contents; it was thrust into my hand on my way here by a stranger, + who instantly disappeared." + </p> + <p> + "A curious salute," observed Tom; "probably some state paper, some + information on foreign affairs, or a petition to be presented to the + House." + </p> + <p> + "The fact is, Sir, as I had no conversation with the stranger, I was + ignorant of the importance of the document; but upon opening it, judge of + my astonishment, when I found it concerned a Prince well known to the + British nation, whose interests depend on its support." + </p> + <p> + "O ho," said Sparkle, "then perhaps it is of a delicate nature, and more + attaching to private circumstances than public affairs." + </p> + <p> + "You shall hear, Sir.—It was an appeal to myself, amongst others, in + which Russia was stated to be in such connection with Greece, that the + heads of this kingdom could not but be conscious of the important results; + results, Sir, that were enough to make one's hair stand on end; indeed, I + have never been able to dismiss the subject from my mind since I first + cast my eye over the information." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds, then," cried Dashall, "there is much to be apprehended." + </p> + <p> + "It is impossible for me," continued the old gentleman, "to say how far + the distinguished person to whom I have alluded has already, or may + hereafter succeed in the objects he has in view; but this I think certain, + that if he can but interest the Poles on his side, his affairs must + thrive." + </p> + <p> + The Hon. Tom Dashall by this time was puzzled with the lengthened + introduction this gentleman was giving; he sipped his coffee—looked + grave—smiled, took up the paper—pretended to read—then + laid it down again. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[288]</span> Sparkle looked wise, and betrayed his + anxiety by moving closer to the communicant. Tallyho fixed his eyes on the + old gentleman, with an apparent desire to count the words he uttered. + </p> + <p> + "In the meantime," continued the interesting stranger, "he is so + indefatigable in diffusing through all ranks of society, by means of the + press and private agents, a knowledge of the power he has of smoothing the + way to success, that the crown ought to receive his proffered aid for its + own benefit." + </p> + <p> + "Then," said Sparkle, "it really is a document of public importance: if + not too great a favour, might we be allowed a sight of the———" + </p> + <p> + "The document,—Oh certainly, Sir," said he, hastily rising and + drawing a printed paper from his pocket; "I will leave it with you:" then + throwing it on the table, he made a precipitate retreat. + </p> + <p> + The little care which the old gentleman seemed to take of this scrap of + importance, struck them all with wonder. + </p> + <p> + "A rum old codger," said Tom; "and I recommend his observations, as well + as the produce of his pocket, to the serious consideration of our friend + Sparkle, who will perhaps read this paper for the benefit of us all." + </p> + <p> + Sparkle, who by this time had unfolded this mysterious paper, burst into a + hearty laugh; and as soon as he could command his risibility, he read as + follows: + </p> + <p> + "PRINCE'S RUSSIA OIL, For promoting the growth of Hair." + </p> + <p> + "And Sparkle introduced to Greece," said Tom.—"Well, the old buck + has paid you off for your interruption: however, he has certainly proved + his own assertion, that there is no reliance on any body." + </p> + <p> + "A mountain in labour," continued Tom,—"I think he had you in a + line, however." + </p> + <p> + "I cannot help thinking," replied Sparkle, "that there is a great + similarity between him and some of our most popular parliamentary orators, + for he has said a great deal to little purpose; but come, let us move on, + and lose no more time in the French coffee house, discussing the merits or + virtues of Russia oil." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[289]</span> This proposition being acceded to, our + friends now took their way along Pall Mall, where the improvements + recently made struck Sparkle with pleasure and delight; the appearance of + new and elegant houses occupying the situation of buildings of a shabby + and mean exterior, and the introduction of new streets, were subjects of + considerable admiration. + </p> + <p> + "The rapidity of alterations in London," said Sparkle, "are almost + inconceivable." + </p> + <p> + "That remark," replied Tom, "only arises from your late absence from the + scene of action; for to us who frequently see their progress, there is but + little to excite wonder. Now for my part I am more astonished in present + times, when so many complaints are made of distress, that occupiers can be + found for them, and also seeing the increase of buildings at every part of + the environs of London, where tenants can be found to occupy them." + </p> + <p> + "I confess," said Tallyho, "that is a subject which I have often thought + upon without being able to come to any reasonable conclusion; it appears + to me to prove a great increase of population, for although I am aware of + the continued influx of new comers from the country, the towns and + villages appear as full as ever." + </p> + <p> + "I am not able to solve the mystery to my own satisfaction," replied + Sparkle, "in either case, though I cannot help acknowledging the facts + alluded to. It however seems in this place to prove the correctness of the + Poet's lines, who says, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Wherever round this restless world we range, + Nothing seems constant saving constant change. + Like some magician waving mystic wand, + Improvement metamorphoses the land, + Grubs up, pulls down, then plants and builds anew, + Till scenes once loved are banished from our view. + The draughtsman with officious eye surveys + What capabilities a site displays: + How things may be made better for the worse, + And much improve—at least the schemer's purse." +</pre> + <p> + Continuing their course along Parliament-street, they soon arrived at + Westminster-bridge, when the day proving extremely fine, it was proposed + to embrace the opportunity of making an excursion by water. The tide + served for London Bridge, and without further ceremony, Tom, Bob, and + Sparkle jumped into a wherry, and were quickly gliding along upon the + bosom of Old Father Thames. The smiling appearance of the day, and the + smooth unruffled surface of the water, excited the most cheerful and + enlivening feelings of the mind. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[290]</span> "Nice weather for the rowing match," + said a bluff looking sturdy built waterman, who had doffed his coat, + waistcoat, and cravat, in order to facilitate him in performing his duty. + </p> + <p> + "Rowing match," inquired Tom. "When does it take place?" + </p> + <p> + "Why this afternoon at four o'clock, your Honour. Vauxhall will be very + full to-night,—Them ere people what's got it now are a getting + plenty of company, and they will have a bumper to-night, for the gentlemen + what belongs to the funny club gives a funny to be rowed for." + </p> + <p> + "That's funny enough," exclaimed Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + "And convenient too," said Tom; "for as we have no engagement for the + evening, we can mingle with the lads on their water frolic." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," said Bob; "and as I am given to understand Vauxhall + is greatly improved, it will make an admirable wind up of the day." + </p> + <p> + Approaching Waterloo Bridge—"What have we here," exclaimed Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "That," said Tom, "is a floating fire engine, for the protection of + shipping, and sometimes very useful in cases of fire on the banks of the + river." + </p> + <p> + "An excellent idea," continued Bob, "because they can never be in want of + water." + </p> + <p> + "Will you sit a little more this way, Sir, if you please? we shall trim + better." + </p> + <p> + Bob rose hastily upon this intimation; and had not his Cousin caught him + by the coat, would have trimmed himself into the watery element. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds, man, you had nearly upset us all. You must trim the boat, and sit + steady, or we shall all go to Davey's locker. You must not attempt to + dance in such a vehicle as this." + </p> + <p> + Bob's confusion at this circumstance created laughter to his two friends, + which however he could not exactly enjoy with the same relish; nor did he + perfectly recover himself till they were safely landed at Tower Stairs. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said Tom, "I propose a peep at the interior of this place, a row + down to Greenwich to dinner, and then a touch at the rowing match; what + say you—agreed on all hands." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[291]</span> "Then," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, + "wait for us here old boy, and you shall be our conveyancer." + </p> + <p> + "I don't know nothing of you, gentlemen; and you understand me, I'm not a + going to be done—I'm too old a hand to be catch'd in that there + fashion; but if so be you engages me for the day, you can take the number + of my boat—but then you must tip." + </p> + <p> + "Right," said Sparkle, "who knows whether we shall escape the Lions, and + then how is old rough and tough to get paid." + </p> + <p> + "You'll excuse me, gentlemen, I don't mean no affront upon my soul; but I + have stood the nonsense before now, and been flung—but I von't be + sarved out in that there way any more. I am up to the gossip, and expects + you'll come down with the rag." + </p> + <p> + "Certainly," said Tom Dashall with a smile; "I am aware of the hint, which + by the way is pretty broadly conveyed, therefore be satisfied; "and giving + him a sovereign, they proceeded into the Tower. + </p> + <p> + The entrance to the Tower from the wharf is by a drawbridge, near to which + is a cut connecting the river with the ditch, having a water gate, called + Traitor's Gate; state prisoners having been formerly conveyed by this + passage from the Tower to Westminster for trial; and over this gate is the + water-works which supply the fortress. + </p> + <p> + Having passed the drawbridge, Bob looked around him, almost conceiving + himself in a new world; he saw houses and streets, of which he had formed + no conception. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," said he, "this Tower seems almost to contain a City." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied Dashall, "it occupies some ground. Its extent within the + walls is twelve acres and five roods. The exterior circuit of the ditch, + which entirely surrounds it, is 3156 feet. The principal buildings are the + Church, the White Tower, the Ordnance Office, the Record Office, the Jewel + Office, the Horse Armoury, the Grand Store House, the small Armoury, the + houses belonging to the Officers, barracks for the Garrison, and two + Suttling Houses for the accommodation of the military and the + inhabitants." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[292]</span> The White Tower, as it is called, is a + large square building in the centre of the fortress; on the top of which + are four watch towers, one being at present used as an observatory. + Neither the sides of this building, nor the small towers, are uniform. The + walls are whitewashed: near to it is the grand storehouse, a plain + building of brick and stone, 345 feet long, and 60 feet broad. + </p> + <p> + Being conducted to the Spanish{1} armory, Tallyho was much gratified with + a view of its contents—trophies of the famous victory of Queen + Elizabeth over the Spanish armada, among which the most remarkable were + the thumb screws, intended to be used in order to extort confession from + the English, where their money was hidden. The axe with which the + unfortunate Anne Bullen was beheaded by order of Henry VIII.; a + representation of Queen Elizabeth in armour, standing by a cream-coloured + horse, attended by a page, also attracted his attention; her majesty being + dressed in the armour she wore at the time she addressed her brave army at + Tilbury, in 1588, with a white silk petticoat, richly ornamented with + pearls and spangles. In the Small Armory, which is one of the finest rooms + in Europe, containing complete stands of arms for 100,000 men, they could + not but admire the beautiful and elegant manner in which the arms were + disposed, forming tasteful devices in a variety of figures: a piece of + ordnance from Egypt, and the Highland broadsword, also claimed particular + notice. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The Spanish Armory, Small Armory, Train of Artillery, and + Horse Armory, may be seen at the price of 2s. each person, + with a compliment per company to the Warder. +</pre> + <p> + The Volunteer Armory, containing arms piled in beautiful order for 30,000 + men, with pikes, swords, &c. in immense numbers, presented to them a + fine figure of Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, in bright armour, bearing + the very lance he actually used in his lifetime, which is no less than 18 + feet long. The Sea Armory, containing arms for nearly 50,000 seamen and + marines, and the Royal Artillery, which is partly kept on the ground floor + under the Small Armory, next underwent inspection. Here they could not + help admiring the room, which is 380 feet long, 50 feet wide, and 24 feet + high, and the many peculiarly fine pieces of cannon which it contained. + The artillery is ranged on each side, leaving a passage in the centre of + ten feet in breadth. Twenty pillars in this room support the Small Armory + above, which are hung round with implements of war, and trophies taken + from the enemy, producing altogether a grand and imposing effect. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[293]</span> The Horse Armory—a noble room, + crowded with curiosities—proved a source of high gratification. Here + they found themselves in company with all the kings of England, from + William the Conqueror to George III.; the whole on horseback, and in + armour. The armour of John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster, seven feet high, + and the sword and lance of proportionable size, were viewed as objects of + wonder. + </p> + <p> + In the Jewel Office,{1} containing the regalia of state, was the next + object to which they directed their attention. Here they were shewn the + Imperial Crown, with which the Kings of England are crowned: it is made of + gold, enriched with diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires, and pearls. The + cap is of purple velvet, lined with white taffety, and turned up with + three rows of ermine. This crown is never used but at coronations; the + golden globe, which is placed in the King's right hand before he is + crowned; the golden sceptre and its cross, upon a large amethyst, + decorated with table diamonds; the sceptre, which is considered to be far + the most ancient in the collection, and probably a part of the original + regalia, is covered with jewels and gothic enamel work, surmounted with an + onyx dove, was found by the present keeper in the year 1814, and is + estimated at a very high value. St. Edward's staff, made of beaten gold, + and which is borne before the King in the coronation procession, is 4 feet + 7 inches and a half in length, and 3 inches and 3 quarters round. The + golden saltseller, the sword of mercy without a point, the grand silver + font, used for christenings of the royal family, and the crown of state + worn by the King at his meeting of the Parliament, and other state + occasions, were viewed in succession with admiration and delight. The + latter is of great splendour and value; it is covered with precious stones + of a large size, and on the top of its cross is a pearl, which Charles I. + pledged for eighteen thousand pounds to the Dutch Republic: under the + cross is an emerald diamond, of a palish green colour, valued at one + hundred thousand pounds, being seven inches and + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The Jewel Office is shewn for 1s. each person in company; + a single person pays 1s. 6d.: it may be seen separately, but + not without a Warder. +</pre> + <p> + a half in circumference; in the front is a rock ruby in its purely natural + state, unpolished, three inches in length, the value of which cannot be + estimated. Several other curiosities of state regalia—such as the + golden eagle, the golden spur, the crown of Queen Mary, the cross of King + William, and the diadem worn by the Queens Anne and Mary, were numbered + among the valuable jewels contained in this office, together with + abundance of curious old plate, the value of which, independent of several + of the jewels, which are inestimable, is not less than two millions + sterling. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[294]</span> "Now," said Dashall, as they left the + Jewel Office, "we have taken a view of the inanimates, we must not leave + the spot without a peep at the lions;{l} for though I believe there is + nothing very extraordinary in the collection, more than may be seen at the + menagerie at Exeter Change, it would be an unpardonable omission not to + see the lions in the Tower." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The wild beasts, &c. are shewn at 1s. each. +</pre> + <p> + For this purpose they proceeded to the western entrance, where they were + quickly introduced by the keeper to the various animals under his care, + and who, in going round with them, explained, as usual, their several + histories. + </p> + <p> + In examining these various curiosities, time had imperceptibly stolen a + march upon them, and their original plan of proceeding to Greenwich was + found to be impracticable; besides which, upon reaching the stairs where + they had landed, the bluff old waterman was not to be found. + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," said Dashall, "this looks like a do. I wonder what's become of + the old blade." + </p> + <p> + Sparkle began to laugh, and Bob bit his lip. Tom made inquiry of a boy at + the stairs, who informed him that Barney was gone to the suttling house to + smoak a pipe. + </p> + <p> + "All right," said Tom, "then we will soon rouse him, and start." + </p> + <p> + Upon this they moved back again into the Tower, and according to the + directions they had received, they found Barney in the tap-room, puffing + away care, and singing with Stentorian voice to the surrounding company— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "From Irongate to Limehouse Hole, + You will not meet a kinder soul, + While the Thames is flowing, + Pull away ho—Pull away ho." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[295]</span> In search of real life and character, + and at all times rather inclined to promote mirth than spoil sport, our + friends immediately entered unperceived by Barney, and taking an opposite + corner of the room, were quickly attended by the landlord, who received + orders, and produced them supplies. + </p> + <p> + The song being over, and Barney rewarded for his exertions by the most + enthusiastic applause of the room, he renewed his pipe, at the same time + declaring to a soldier who sat near him, he thought "he had miss'd fire, + for he was d———d if he didn't think he'd lost his + company, or his company had lost him—but that he had taken care to + nibble the blunt, and upon that there score all was right—so + landlord tip us another quart, and if they don't make their appearance by + the time I've got through that, I'll tip them the toddle, shove off my + boat, and disappear.—That's the time of day, an't it, boy." + </p> + <p> + "Why aye, to be sure," replied the soldier, "you watermen leads a happy + life; you are your own masters, you does just as you pleases, while a + soldier dare as well be d———d as desert his post. But I + say, Barney, mind what + </p> + <p> + you says,—nose—nose;" accompanying the last two words with a + significant action of placing his finger on his nose, and winking his eye. + </p> + <p> + Upon this intimation, which appeared to be well understood by Barney, he + puffed off an immoderate cloud of smoke, and looking round the room, + perceived his customers in the corner. + </p> + <p> + "Be quiet," said he, "that's my fare—so it's all right again,—Do + you want me, gentlemen; I am always ready, so that whenever you says the + word, Barney's your boy." + </p> + <p> + "Presently," said Dashall, "for it would be hard to make you start upon a + full jorum." + </p> + <p> + "Why I must say," continued Barney, "I never likes to leave a foaming + quart behind me;" and catching hold of the pot of <i>heavy wet</i>, he + roared out,— + </p> + <p> + "What a hearty blade am I, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Care can never touch my heart; + Every trouble I defy, + While I view the foaming quart." +</pre> + <p> + and taking a hearty drink, he handed it to his companion, filled his pipe + afresh, lighted, and informed the gentlemen he was at their service; when + in a few minutes all being ready, they were quickly on board. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[296]</span> "I don't like the looks of the weather, + my masters, why we shall have a shower presently, where will you go to?" + </p> + <p> + "To Vauxhall," was the reply. + </p> + <p> + "Very well, your Honour, then here goes; but if you don't get a sousing, + my name an't Barney." + </p> + <p> + This prognostication proved true, for before they reached Blackfriars + Bridge, a smart shower came on, which nearly wetted them through before + they could reach land. When this was accomplished, they proceeded to the + Horn Tavern, Doctors Commons, where they partook of an excellent repast, + and the weather clearing up, they again joined Barney. + </p> + <p> + By this time the promising fineness of the evening had induced many to + venture forth to the rowing match, and the river was all gaiety and + delight. Boats of every description were seen filled with well dressed + persons, both male and female: the smiling countenances of the lads and + lasses were in unison with the laughing sun, that darted his brilliant + beams upon the dimpled wave, which seemed to leap in return with grateful + animation. The shores were lined with spectators, anxiously waiting the + moment for the commencement of this trial of skill. Our friends were + highly delighted with the prospect before them, and at the appointed time, + having rested on their oars near the place of starting, they saw with + pleasure the active preparations on the part of the competitors, and upon + the signal being given for the start, the river appeared to consist of + nothing but moving conveyances of happy faces, all guided in one + direction. The 'shouts of the various friends of the occasionally + successful candidates for the honour of victory, and the skill and + dexterity with which they manoeuvred against each other, were subjects of + continued admiration; while bands of music were heard from boats that + intermingled with the throng. The lads of the Funny Club were in high glee—numerous + cutters and sailing boats, with their owners and visiting friends, were + also in the throng. Barney pulled away like a good one, and for a + considerable distance kept nearly up with the principal actors in this gay + and animated scene of aquatic diversion, and arrived off Cumberland + gardens just in time to have an excellent view of the winner coming in at + the appointed spot, in prime style, amidst the loud and reiterated + plaudits of his friends. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[297]</span> The intention of visiting Vauxhall + Gardens was, however, for the present evening relinquished; and our party, + feeling fatigued by their excursion, repaired homeward, where for the + present we shall leave them to their quiet and repose. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0008" id="link42HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "I hate that drum's discordant sound, + Still rolling round and round and round," +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[298]</span> Exclaimed Dashall, as he advanced from + the breakfast table towards the window, when a pleasing and singular + street-exhibition presented itself, which had attracted around a numerous + audience, of all ages and conditions. + </p> + <p> + An itinerant purveyor of novelties was in the act of showing forth to an + admiring crowd, the docility of a tame hare. On a table in the street, on + which was placed a drum, the little animal stood, in an erect posture, and + with surprising tractableness obeyed the commands of its exhibiter, + delivered in very broken English, with which, nevertheless, it seemed + perfectly conversant. + </p> + <p> + "Vat mattiere now, dat you be so solky, and no take notice of your goot + friends?—Come, Sare, shew your politesse, and salute de genteelmens + at de window, who so kind as come to look at you.—Make way dere, + goot peoples and leetel childer, dat de genteelmens sail see,—dat + vill do. Now, sare, begin;—do your beisance all round." + </p> + <p> + The animal, without any apparent instruction to whom to give the + precedency of obeisance, immediately faced "de genteelmens at de window," + and saluted them with a conge of particular respect; which being + acknowledged with a motion of the hand by Dashall, the intelligent animal + expressed its sense of his complacency, by a second obeisance, more + profound than the first. + </p> + <p> + The spectators applauded, and the performer testified its gratitude by a + bow, all round. + </p> + <p> + "Dat all goot. Now, sare, tree role on de drom for <i>le Roi + d'Angletterre:—Vive le Roi d'Anglettere!</i>" + </p> + <p> + This command the animal very promptly obeyed, by substituting its fore + feet for sticks, and giving three prolonged rolls of the drum, each in + distinct succession. + </p> + <p> + "Now den for Messieurs." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[299]</span> With equal alacrity this hint was + attended to, and as <i>le Roi d'Angletterre</i> had three, so de + genteelmens at de window were honoured with two rolls of the drum. + </p> + <p> + The like compliment was paid to all de Englise peoples; and the minor + salute of one roll was given to the surrounding spectators. + </p> + <p> + The indefatigable drummer was next required to give a token of regard for + the Cook; but this he declined to do, and the order, though frequently + given, was as frequently uncomplied with. + </p> + <p> + "Vill you take notice of me, den?" + </p> + <p> + This question was instantly answered by the accustomed mark of respect. + </p> + <p> + "Genteelmans at de window, and peoples on de street, my leetel drommer no + love de cook,—no show her de respect dat he show you—he know + dat de cook be no friend of de pauvre hare; "—then turning towards + the animal, —"Vat," said he, "must I speak all de tanks mineself?" + </p> + <p> + In deficiency of speech, the animal reiterated its obeisances— + "Diable!" exclaimed the exhibiter—"here comes de cook, to kill and + spit you!" + </p> + <p> + The hare instantly hastened to its hiding place, and thus terminated the + exhibition. + </p> + <p> + "This epitome of the world," observed Tallyho, "lacks nothing to gratify + every sense of man! Here industry is on the alert to accumulate wealth, + and dissipation in haste to spend it. Here riot and licentiousness roll + triumphantly in gilded state, while merit pines in penury and obscurity;—and + here ingenuity roams the streets for a scanty and precarious subsistence, + exhibiting learned pigs, dogs, and so forth, that will cast accounts with + the precision of an experienced arithmetician; and a tame hare that will + beat a drum, and make a bow more gracefully than a dancing-master. This + last instance of human ingeniousness, by which the poor Frenchman picks up + a living, would almost induce a belief that the power of art is + unlimitable, and that apparently insurmountable difficulties may be + overcome by diligent perseverance!—Who, besides this foreigner, + would have thought of divesting a hare of its natural timidity, and + rendering it subservient, by a display of intelligence, to the acquirement + of his subsistence?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[300]</span> "And who," said Dashall, "would have + thought, but a German, of training canary-birds to imitate military + evolution,—make a prisoner of one of their fellows as a deserter,—try + and condemn him to death,—apparently execute the sentence, by + shooting him with a small gun,—and finally, bear away the motionless + and seemingly lifeless body on a wheel-barrow, for interment!—Nay, + who would think of inverting the order of nature, by creating and + cementing a union of friendship between cats and birds and mice, + associating them together, within the confines of a cage, in the utmost + harmony of social intercourse?—And who shall presume to set bounds + to the human art, that from a deal board has constructed the figure of a + man that will beat at the difficult game of chess, the first players in + Europe;{1} and created a wooden musician, that in a solo from the trumpet, + will excel the best living performers on that instrument!" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It appears by the following letter from Presburg, in + Hungary, that this wonderful automaton was originally + invented and exhibited there:— + + "During my stay in this city, I have been so happy as to + form an acquaintance with M. de Kempett, an Aulic Counsellor + and Director General of the salt mines in Hungary. It seems + impossible to attain to a more perfect knowledge of + Mechanics, than this gentleman hath done. At least no artist + has yet been able to produce a machine, so wonderful in its + kind, as what he constructed about a year ago. M. de + Kempett, excited by the accounts he received of the + extraordinary performances of the celebrated M. de + Vaucanson, and of some other men of genius in Prance and + England, at first aimed at nothing more, than to imitate + those artists. But he has done more, he has excelled them. + He has constructed an Automaton, which can play at chess + with the most skilful players. This machine represents a man + of the natural size, dressed like a Turk, sitting before the + table which holds the chess-board. This table (which is + about three feet and a half long, and about two feet and a + half broad) is supported by four feet that roll on castors, + in order the more easily to change its situation; which the + inventor fails not to do from time to time, in order to take + away all suspicion of any communication. Both the table and + the figure are full of wheels, springs, and levers. M. de + Kempett makes no difficulty of shewing the inside of the + machine, especially when he finds any one suspects a boy to + be in it. I have examined with attention all the parts both + of the table and figure, and I am well assured there is not + the least ground for such an imputation. I have played a + game at chess with the Automaton myself. I have particularly + remarked, with great astonishment, the precision with which + it made the various and complicated movements of the arm, + with which it plays. It raises the arm, it advances it + towards that part of the chess-board, on which the piece + stands, which ought to be moved; and then by a movement of + the wrist, it brings the hand down upon the piece, opens the + hand, closes it upon the piece in order to grasp it, lifts + it up, and places it upon the square it is to be removed to; + this done, it lays its arm down upon a cushion which + is placed on the chess-board. If it ought to + take one of its adversary's pieces, then by one entire + movement, it removes that piece quite off the chess-board, + and by a series of such movements as 1 have been describing, + it returns to take up its own piece, and place it in the + square, which the other had left vacant. I attempted to + practise a small deception, by giving the Queen the move of + a Knight; but my mechanic opponent was not to be so imposed + on; he took up my Queen and replaced her in the square she + had been removed from. All this is done with the same + readiness that a common player shews at this game, and I + have often engaged with persons, who played neither so + expeditiously, nor so skilfully as this Automaton, who yet + would have been extremely affronted, if one had compared + them to him. You will perhaps expect me to propose some + conjectures, as to the means employed to direct this machine + in its movements. I wish I could form any that were + reasonable and well-founded; but notwithstanding the minute + attention with which I have repeatedly observed it, I have + not been able in the least degree to form any hypothesis + which could satisfy myself. The English ambassador, Prince + Guistiniani, and several English Lords, for whom the + inventor had the complaisance to make the figure play, stood + round the table while I played the game. They all had their + eyes on M. de Kempett, who stood by the table, or sometimes + removed five or six feet from it, yet not one of them could + discover the least motion in him, that could influence the + Automaton. They who had seen the effects produced by the + loadstone in the curious exhibitions on the Boulevards at + Paris, cried out, that the loadstone must have been the + means here employed to direct the arm. But, besides that + there are many objections to this supposition, M. de + Kempett, with whom I have had long conversations since on + this subject, offers to let any one bring as close as he + pleases to the table the strongest and best-armed magnet + that can be found, or any weight of iron whatever, without + the least fear that the movements of his machine will be + affected or disturbed by it. He also withdraws to any + distance you please, and lets the figure play four or five + moves successively without approaching it. It is unnecessary + to remark, that the marvellous in this Automaton consists + chiefly in this, that it has not (as in others, the most + celebrated machines of this sort) one determined series of + movements, but that it always moves in consequence of the + manner in which its opponent moves; which produces an + amazing multitude of different combinations in its + movements. M. de Kempett winds up from time to time the + springs of the arm of this Automaton, in order to renew its + MOVING FORCE, but this, you will observe, has no relation to + its guiding FORCE or power of direction, which makes the + great merit of this machine. In general I am of opinion, + that the contriver influences the direction of almost every + stroke played by the Automaton, although, as I have said, I + have sometimes seen him leave it to itself for many moves + together; which, in my opinion, is the most-difficult + circumstance of all to comprehend in what regards this + machine. M. de Kempett has the more merit in this invention, + as he complains that his designs have not always been + seconded by workmen so skilful as was requisite to the exact + precision of a work of this nature; and he hopes he shall, + ere long, produce to the world performances still more + surprising than this. Indeed one may expect every thing from + his knowledge and skill, which are exceedingly enhanced by + his uncommon modesty. Never did genius triumph with less + ostentation." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[302]</span> "London is a rare place for sights,—always + something new;—where the spirits need never flag through want of + amusement. Let me recapitulate,—there is the automaton chess-player + and the automaton trumpeter,—the family compact, alias amicable + society of cat, birds, and mice,—the military canaries, and an + hundred phenomena besides, of which we shall make the round in due time. + In the meanwhile, let us set out, like the knight of La Mancha, in search + of adventures, without running the risk of mistaking windmills for giants: + one of the former would, indeed, be a high treat to the insatiable + curiosity of the inhabitants of this metropolis; and as to giants, there + are none on shew since Bartholomew-fair, excepting those stationary + gentlemen, the twin-brothers, Gog and Magog, in Guildhall." + </p> + <p> + Passing through the town without meeting with any new object worthy of + particular notice, they found themselves at the extremity of + Threadneedle-street, when Dashall, pointing to a neat plain building, + "this," said he, "is the South Sea House. The South Sea Company was + established for the purpose of an exclusive trade to the South Seas, and + many thousands were ruined by the speculation: the iniquity and deception + were at last discovered, and those who were at the head were punished. The + eager hope of wealth frequently engenders disappointment,—but here + credulity attained her zenith;—amongst other schemes, equally + practicable, the projectors of this notorious bubble set up a method of + making butter from beech-trees; a plan to learn people to cast their + nativity; an insurance against divorces; and a way of making deal boards + out of saw-dust!" + </p> + <p> + "And is it possible," inquired Tallyho, "that such most preposterous + theories obtained belief?" + </p> + <p> + "Even so," answered Dashall,—"What is there in which human folly + will not believe?—We have all read of the bottle-conjurer.{1}—The + prevalence of curiosity is universal. I could safely stake any money, that + if public notice was given of a person who would leap down his own throat, + he would gain belief, and a full audience would favour him with their + company to witness his marvellous performance." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 This speculator by wholesale in English credulity, + advertised, "that he would, in the Haymarket theatre, + literally and <i>bona fide</i> creep into a quart bottle; and + further, would, when inside such quart bottle, entertain the + audience with a solo on the violin!" + + Long before the appointed hour of performance, the house was + crammed at all points, and thousands were sent from the + doors for want of room. The most eager curiosity prevailed + as the time drew near for the commencement of these + extraordinary feats, and the clamour for the appearance of + the performer was incessant and vociferous. At last he came + forward upon the stage, and all was breathless attention. + "Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that I cannot, to- + night, find a bottle large enough for the purpose intended; + but to-morrow I faithfully engage to go into a pint bottle, + in atonement of the present disappointment!" He then + retired. The shock was electrical,—a dead silence prevailed + for a moment;—the delusion vanished, and "confusion worse + confounded" ensued; the interior of the house was nearly + demolished. His It. H. the D. of C. was present, and lost a + gold-hilted sword. During "the wreck of matter and the crush + of worlds," the speculator made off with his booty. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[303]</span> Proceeding into Bishopsgate-street, the + new City of London Tavern caught the attention of Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "This," observed his friend, "is probably the first tavern in London, with + reference to superior accommodation. Here congregate the most eminent + corporate bodies, directors of public institutions and others, on + occasions of business or enjoyment; here the admirable arrangement of + every thing conducive to comfort is minutely attended to; here the + plenitude of abundance, and the delicacies of luxury, distinguish the + festive board, and the culinary art is shown forth to the very acme of + perfection; which, together with the varied, unsophisticated excellence of + the richest wines, secure to this celebrated tavern the continuance of a + well-merited public approbation. But one of these days we shall avail + ourselves of practical experience, by forming part of the company at + dinner." + </p> + <p> + Proposing in their way home to take the skirts of the metropolis, they + directed their course through Moorfield, where Tallyho remarked on the + unseemly desolate waste there presenting itself, and expressed surprise + that it was not appropriated to some purposes of utility or ornament. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[304]</span> "It appears," answered Dashall, "as if + some such improvement was in projection; probably a new square, if we may + so opine from present indications; however, be the intention what it may, + the execution is uncommonly tardy; with the exception of the central + iron-railing, the handsome structure on the opposite side, the solitary + building on the right, and range of new houses on the left, the tout + ensemble was the same twenty years ago. It is a scene of dilapidation + which might perhaps have been + </p> + <p> + "More honoured in the breach than in th' observance." + </p> + <p> + I recollect, that when a boy, I frequently extended my rambles into the + quarters of Moorfields, for so was this place then named, from its + compartments, exhibiting rural appearance even in the centre of London. + Here were four enclosed fields, displaying in the season the beautiful + verdure of nature; and numerous trees branching, in ample shade, over two + great walks, that intersected each other at right angles, and formed the + afternoon promenade of the citizens' wives and daughters. In former times, + the quarters of Moorfields were resorted to by holiday visitants, as the + favourite place of rendezvous, where predominated the recreation of manly + exercises, and shows, gambols, and merriment were the orders of the day. + The present is an age of improvement,—and yet I cannot think, in an + already monstrously overgrown metropolis, the substitution of bricks and + mortar an equivalent for green fields and rural simplicity." + </p> + <p> + Leaving Moorfields, they passed, in a few minutes, into Finsbury-square. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho appeared surprised by its uniformly handsome edifices, its + spacious extent, and beautiful circular area, in which the ground is laid + out and the shrubberies disposed to the very best advantage. "Here, at + least," he observed, "is a proof that Taste and Elegance are not + altogether excluded a civic residence." + </p> + <p> + "In this square, taking its name from the division of Finsbury," said + Dashall, "reside many of the merchants and other eminent citizens of + London; and here, in the decorations, internally, of their respective + mansions, they vie with the more courtly residents westward, and exceed + them generally in the quietude of domestic enjoyment." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[305]</span> Renewing their walk along the City + Road, the gate of Bunhill Fields burying-ground standing conveniently + open, "Let us step in," said Dashall,—"this is the most extensive + depository of the dead in London, and as every grave almost is surmounted + by a tombstone, we cannot fail in acquiring an impressive <i>memento mori</i>." + </p> + <p> + While examining a monumental record, of which there appeared a countless + number, their attention was withdrawn from the dead, and attracted by the + living. An elderly personage, arrayed in a rusty suit of sables, with an + ink bottle dangling from one of the buttons of his coat, was intently + employed in copying a long, yet well written inscription, to the memory of + Patrick Colquhon, L.L.D., author of a Treatise on the Police of the + Metropolis, and several other works of great public utility. Having + accomplished his object, the stranger saluted Dashall and Tallyho in a + manner so courteous as seemingly to invite conversation. + </p> + <p> + "You have chosen, Sir," observed Mr. Dashall, "rather a sombre cast of + amusement." + </p> + <p> + "Otherwise occupation," said the stranger, "from which I derive + subsistence. Amidst the endless varieties of Real Life in London, I am an + <i>Epitaph-Collector</i>, favoured by my friends with the appellation of + <i>Old Mortality</i>, furnished them by the voluminous writer and meteor + of the north, Sir Walter Scott." + </p> + <p> + "Do you collect," asked Tallyho, "with the view of publishing on your own + account?" + </p> + <p> + "No, Sir,—I really am not in possession of the means wherewith to + embark on so hazardous a speculation. I am thus employed by an eccentric, + yet very worthy gentleman, of large property, who ambitious of + transmitting his name to posterity, means to favour the world with a more + multitudinous collection of epitaphs than has hitherto appeared in any age + or nation;—his prospectus states "Monumental Gleanings, in + twenty-five quarto volumes!" + </p> + <p> + "Astonishing!" exclaimed Dashall,—"Can it be possible that he ever + will be able to accomplish so vast an undertaking?" + </p> + <p> + "And if he does," said Tallyho, "can it be possible that any person will + be found to read a production of such magnitude, and on such a subject?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[306]</span> "That to him is a matter of + indifference," said Old Mortality,—"he means to defray the entire + charges, and the object of publication effected, will rest satisfied with + the approbation of the discerning few, leaving encomium from the multitude + to authors or compilers more susceptible of flattery,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Born with a stomach to digest a ton!" +</pre> + <p> + As to the quantum of materiel, he is indefatigable in personal research, + employing besides numerous collectors even in the sister island, and in + this, from the Land's-end to Johnny Grot's house." + </p> + <p> + "And when," asked Dashall, "is it probable that this gigantic work may be + completed?" + </p> + <p> + "Can't say," answered Old Mortality,—"I should think at no very + remote period: the collection is in daily accumulation, and we are already + in possession of above ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND." + </p> + <p> + "Prodigious!" exclaimed Dashall, "as Dominic Sampson says. And pray, Sir, + what number may your assiduities have contributed towards the aggregate?" + </p> + <p> + "That," answered Old Mortality, "I cannot exactly ascertain; to those, + however, already supplied, this ground will yield a considerable + increase." + </p> + <p> + "May we solicit," said Tallyho, "without the imputation of intrusion, the + favour of your reading to us from your table-book, a few of the most + remarkable epitaphs?" + </p> + <p> + Old Mortality readily promised gratification as far as possible, but he + had not his table-book with him; "I have been employed to day," said he, + "in making extracts from one of our manuscript folio volumes, for the + purpose of insertion in the different metropolitan daily papers;—here + they are"—taking a small bundle from his pocket, tied round with red + tape,—"one for each paper: permit me, gentlemen, for a moment just + to look over the endorsations." + </p> + <p> + The triumvirate now seated themselves on a tombstone, and Old Mortality + untying the bundle of extracts, laid them down in loose compact; then + taking up the first, and reading the superscription, shewing for what + newspaper it was intended, he reversed it on the tombstone.—"This," + said he, "is for "<i>The Times, British Press, Morning Post, Morning + Chronicle, Morning Advertiser, Morning Herald, Public Ledger</i>,—all + right,—and sorted, as the postman sorts his letters: I shall take, + first of all, Printing-house Square, the others are in a direct line of + delivery." This important arrangement made, he took up one paper from the + bundle, and read the contents with an audible voice:—<span + class="pagenum">[307]</span> + </p> + <p> + SPECIMEN OF MONUMENTAL GLEANINGS, + </p> + <p> + Extracted from the manuscript folio of a new compilation of Epitaphs, + serious and eccentric, now in collection, from numerous Dormitories in + Great Britain and Ireland; To be completed with all possible expedition, + And will be ushered to the patronage of a discerning Public, in + Twenty-five quarto volumes. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + In the Church-yard of Winchester, Hants. + + Here lies interred a Hampshire Grenadier, + Who got his death by drinking cold small beer. + Soldiers, take heed from his untimely fall, + And if you drink, drink strong, or none at all. + + In Stepney Church-yard. + + Here lies the body of Daniel Saut, + Spitalfields weaver,—and that's all. + + In Chigwem Church-yard. + + This disease you ne'er heard tell on, + I died of eating too much melon; + Be careful then all you that feed—I + Suffer'd, because I was too greedy. + + In St. John's, Leeds. + + <i>Hic jacet</i>, sure the fattest man + That Yorkshire stingo made; + He was a lover,—of his can, + A clothier by his trade. + His waist did measure three yards round, + He weighed almost three hundred pound; + His flesh did weigh full twenty stone,— + His flesh, I say—he had no bone,— + At least 'tis said that he had none. + + Eltham. + + My wife lies here beneath, + Alas from me she's flown! + She was so good, that Death + Would have her for his own. + + At Maidstone. + + My life was short, as you may see, + I died at only twenty-three. + Now free from pain and grief I rest + I had a cancer in my breast; + The Doctors all their physic tried, + And thus by slow degrees I died! + + Northampton. + + Here lies the corpse of Susan Lee, + Who died of heartfelt pain, + Because she lov'd a faithless he, + Who lov'd not her again! + Pray for me, old Thomas Dunn,— + But if you don't,—'tis all one! + + In Aberdeen, Scotland. + + Here lies auld William Alderbroad. + Have mercy on his soul, Lord God, + As he would have were he Lord God, + And thou auld William Alderbroad! + + Sir William Walworth, Lord Mayor of London + St. Michael's, Crooked Lane. + Hereunder lyth a man of fame, + William Walworth callyd by name; + Fishmonger he was in life time here, + And twice Lord Maior as in bookes appere, + Who with courage stout and manly might + Slew Wat Tyler, in King Richard's sight. + For which act done and trew intent, + The King made him a Knight incontinent, + And gave him armes, as heere you see, + To declare his fait and chivalrie. + He left this life the yere of our God, + Thirteene hundryd fourscore and three, odd. + + William Wray. + In the same Church-yard. + + Here lyeth, wrapt in clay, + The body of William Wray;— + I have no more to say. +</pre> + <p> + Interchanging civilities, the party now separated, the collector to resume + his occupation, and the two friends their walk. + </p> + <p> + "Twenty-five quarto volumes," exclaimed the Squire, "and exclusively + filled with epitaphs; this fellow has set himself a task with a + vengeance!" + </p> + <p> + "And which," answered his friend, "he will never be able to accomplish; + however, the ambition of renown as a voluminous collector is the less + censurable, as being unattended by any of its too frequently pernicious + concomitants, and giving to others an acceptable and not irrational + employment; he is only blameable in the projected extent, not the nature + of his pursuit; and happy would it be for mankind did the love of fame + engender no greater evil than that, if any, which may accrue from the + Herculean labours of this epitaph collector." + </p> + <p> + "Yet to us, the uninitiated of the country, it would never occur that + there existed even in London a man who disseminated his fortune, and + applied his mental and corporeal energies in gleaning epitaphs." + </p> + <p> + "Neither perhaps would it occur that there existed even in London a + virtuoso who discovered that fleas were a species of lobster, and who + proceeded to proof by the ordeal of boiling water, on the supposition that + the process would change their hue from black to red, and thus + satisfactorily establish the correctness of his judgment; unfortunately, + however, the boiled fleas still retained their original colour, and the + ingenious hypothesis was reluctantly relinquished."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It is told of another virtuoso, that he was waited upon + one morning by a stranger, who announced that he had the + opportunity of procuring an inestimable curiosity—a horned + cock; but that its owner, an avaricious old woman, had her + domicile in the highlands of Scotland, to which remote + region it would be necessary to travel, amply provided with + the pecuniary means of securing this wonderful bird; and + that it would be expedient to set out immediately, lest the + matchless phenomenon should become the prize of a more + fortunate competitor. + + "A horned cock! the very acme of frolicsome nature,—a + desideratum in the class of <i>lusus naturae</i>, which I would + rather possess than the mines of Peru!—Away, my dear + fellow; speed like lightning to the north,—purchase this + precious bird at any price; and should the old woman + hesitate at separation from her cornuted companion, why then + purchase both, and bring them to town with all possible + celerity!" + + In the interval between this important mission and the + achievement of its object, the anxiety of the virtuoso was + inexpressible;—a horned cock! it was the incessant subject + of his cogitations by day, and of his dreams by night. At + last the auspicious moment arrived; in the still noontide of + night the preconcerted rap at the street door announced the + happy result of the momentous expedition. The virtuoso + sprang from his couch with extasy to admit the illustrious + prodigy of nature. His astonishment, delight, and triumph + were unspeakable:—two horns of the most beautiful curva- + ture adorned the crested head of this noble northern. + Anticipation thus blessed by the fulness of fruition, the + bringer was super-abundantly rewarded. Next morning the + virtuoso sent a message to each of his most highly favoured + friends, desiring attendance at his house instantaneously, + on an occasion of vast importance. "Gentlemen," said he to + his assembled visitants, "I may now boast possession of that + whicli will astonish the universe—a horned cock! behold the + rara avis, and envy my felicity!" So saying, he uncovered a + wicker basket, when lo! the bird, shorn of its honours! + indignant at confinement, and struggling for freedom, had + dropped its waxen antlers! The unfortunate virtuoso stood + aghast and speechless, and only at last found utterance to + curse his own credulity! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[310]</span> Pursuing their course along the City + Road, the two friends were attracted by the appearance of a caravan, + stationary on the road side, whereon was inscribed, in large characters, + The Female Salamander. + </p> + <p> + "Here is another instance," observed Dashall, "of the varieties of Real + Life in London." + </p> + <p> + "Walk in, gentlemen," exclaimed the proprietor, "and see the surprising + young woman over whom the element of fire has no control!" + </p> + <p> + Tom and Bob accepted the invitation. Entering the caravan, they were + received by an interesting young female, apparently not more than eighteen + years of age, with a courteousness of manner far beyond what could have + been expected from an itinerant exhibitor. + </p> + <p> + So soon as a sufficient number of spectators had congregated within the + vehicle, the female Salamander commenced her exhibition. + </p> + <p> + Taking a red-hot poker from the fire, she grasped it firmly, and drew it + from head to point through her hand, without sustaining the smallest + injury! + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[311]</span> "Will you permit me to look at your + hand?" asked Dashall. + </p> + <p> + The girl extended her hand,—the palm was moist, and seemed to have + been previously fortified against danger by some secret liquid or other + application, now reeking from its recent contact with the flaming weapon. + </p> + <p> + An uncivilized bumpkin accused her of deception, asserting that the poker + was not heated to the extent represented. + </p> + <p> + "Touch and try," answered the girl. He did so, and the cauterizing + instrument gave a feeling (although not very satisfactory) negative to his + assertion. + </p> + <p> + "The mystery," continued Dashall, "of resisting the impression of tire, + certainly originates in the liquid by which your hand has been protected." + </p> + <p> + "I shall answer your observation," said the Salamander, "by another + performance." + </p> + <p> + She then dipped her fingers into a pot of molten lead, and let fall upon + her tongue several drops of the metallic fluid, to the no small amazement + and terror of the company; and as if to remove the idea of precautionary + application, she after a lapse of five minutes, repeated the same + extraordinary exhibition, and finally immerged her naked feet in the + boiling material. + </p> + <p> + The inscrutable means by which the Salamander executed these feats with + the most complete success and safety, were not to be divulged; and as + neither of our respectable friends felt desirous of emulating the fair + exhibitant, they declined the importunity of further inquiry. + </p> + <p> + "This is, indeed," said Dashall, as they resumed their walk, "the age of + wonders:—here is a girl who can bear to gargle her mouth with melted + lead, put her delicate feet into the same scalding material, and pass + through her hands a flaming red-hot poker! I am inclined to believe, that + were the present an age of superstition, she might be burnt for a witch, + were she not happily incombustible. For my own part, I sincerely hope that + this pyrophorous prodigy will never think of quitting her own country; and + as I am a bachelor, I verily believe I should be tempted to make her an + offer of my hand, could I flatter myself with any chance of raising + aflame, or making a match with such uninflammable commodity. Only conceive + the luxury, when a man comes home fatigued, and in a hurry for his tea, of + having a wife who can instantly take out the heater for <span + class="pagenum">[312]</span> the urn with her fingers,—stir the fire + with ditto—snuff candles with ditto—make a spit of her arm, or + a toasting fork of her thumb! What a saving, too, at the washing season, + since she need only hold her hand between the bars till it is red-hot, + thrust it into a box iron, and iron you off a dozen children's frocks, + while an ordinary laundress would be coddling the irons over the fire, + spitting upon them, and holding them to her cheek to ascertain the heat + before she began to work." + </p> + <p> + "And," observed the Squire, taking up his friend's vein of humour, "if the + young lady be as insensible to the flames of Cupid as she is to those of + Vulcan, she might still be highly useful in a national point of view, and + well worthy the attention of the various fire-offices." + </p> + <p> + "Exactly so," replied his Cousin,—"how desirable for instance would + it have been at the late alarming fire in Gracechurch-street, to have had + a trustworthy person like her, who could very coolly perambulate the + blazing warehouses, to rescue from the flames the most valuable + commodities, or lolling astraddle upon a burning beam, hold the red-hot + engine pipe in her hand, and calmly direct the hissing water to those + points where it may be most effectually applied. In our various + manufactories, what essential services she might perform. In glass-houses, + for instance, it is notorious that great mischief sometimes arises from + inability to ascertain when the sand and flint have arrived at the proper + degree of fusion. How completely might this be remedied, by merely + shutting up the female Salamander in the furnace; and I can really imagine + nothing more interesting, than to contemplate her in that situation, + dressed in an asbestos pelisse, watching the reproduction of a phoenix + hung up in an iron cage by her side, fondling a spritely little + Salamander, and bathing her naked feet in the vitreous lava, to report + upon the intensity of heat. Much more might be urged to draw the attention + of government to the propriety of retaining this anti-ignitible young + lady, not only for the benefits she may confer upon the public, but for + the example she may afford to others of her own sex; that by a proper + exertion of courage, the most ardent sparks may be sometimes encountered + without the smallest inconvenience or injury." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[313]</span> Indulging in this playful vein of + raillery, they now reached that part of the City Road intersected by the + Regent's Canal, where its spacious basin, circumjacent wharfs and + warehouses, and winding line of water, with barges gliding majestically on + its placid wave, where lately appeared open fields arrayed in the verdure + of nature, afforded full scope for remark by Mr. Dashall, on the gigantic + design and rapid accomplishment, by commercial enterprize, of the most + stupendous undertakings. + </p> + <p> + "This work of incalculable public utility," said Mr. Dashall, "sprang into + being with the alacrity of enchantment;—the same remark may apply to + every other improvement of this vast metropolis, so rapid in execution, + that one thinks of the wonderful lamp, and the magnificent palace of + Aladdin, erected in one night by the attendant genii." + </p> + <p> + Onwards towards "merry Islington;"{1}—"here," said Dashall, "is the + New River: this fine artificial stream is brought from two springs at Chad + well and Am well, in Hertfordshire, for the supply of London with water. + It was finished in 1613, by Sir Hugh Middleton, a citizen of London, who + expended his whole fortune in this public undertaking. The river, with all + its windings, is nearly 39 miles in length; it has 43 sluices, and 215 + bridges; over and under it a great number of brooks and water-courses have + their passage. In some places this canal is carried through vales, and in + others through subterraneous passages. It terminates in a basin called the + New River Head, close by. From the reservoir at Islington the water is + conveyed by 58 main pipes under ground along the middle of the principal + streets; and thence by leaden pipes to the different houses. Thus, by + means of the New River, and of the London Bridge water-works, every house + in the metropolis is abundantly supplied with water, at the expense each + of a few shillings only per annum. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Thus all through merry Islington + These gambols he did play. + + John Gilpin. +</pre> + <p> + This village of Islington is a large and populous place, superior both in + size and appearance to many considerable towns in the country. Observe the + Angel Inn, celebrated for its ordinary, where you may enjoy, after a + country ramble, an excellent dinner on very moderate terms.—Apropos, + of the Angel Inn ordinary: some years ago it was regularly every Sunday + attended by a thin meagre <span class="pagenum">[314]</span> gaunt and + bony figure, of cadaverous aspect, who excited amongst the other guests no + small degree of dismay, and not without cause. Cognominated the Wolf, he + justified his pretensions to the appellation, by his almost incredible + powers of gormandizing; for a quantum of viands sufficient for six men of + moderate appetite, would vanish on the magic contact of his knife and + fork, in the twinkling of an eye; in fact, his voracity was considered of + boundless extent, for he invariably and without cessation consumed by + wholesale, so long as eatables remained on the table. One day, after + having essentially contributed to the demolition of a baron of beef, and + devoured an entire shoulder of lamb, with a commensurate proportion of + bread, roots, vegetables, &c, he pounced, with the celerity of a hawk, + on a fine roast goose, which unfortunately happened to have been just then + placed within the reach of his annihilating fangs, and in a very short + space of time it was reduced to a skeleton; having occasion for a few + minutes to leave the room, the company in the meanwhile secreted the bones + of the goose. The waiter now entered for the purpose of removing the + cloth: casting his eyes round the room, he seemed absorbed in perplexity—"What + is the matter?" asked one of the company; "do you miss arty thing?"—"Yes, + Sir, the bones of a goose!"—"Why then you may save yourself the + trouble of further search; the gentleman just gone out, of modest manners + and puny appetite, has devoured the goose, bones and all!"—The + waiter lost no time in reporting the appalling fact to his master, who now + more than ever was desirous of getting rid of the glutton—but how? + it was impossible to exclude him the ordinary, or set bounds to his + appetite; the only resource left was that of buying him off, which was + done at the rate of one shilling per diem, and the wolf took his + hebdomadary repast at a different ordinary: from this also his absence was + purchased at the same rate as by the first. Speculating on his gluttony, + he levied similar contributions on the proprietors of the principal + ordinaries in the metropolis and environs; and if the fellow is still + living, I have no doubt of his continuing to derive his subsistence from + the sources already described!—Now what think you of Real Life in + London?"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The wolf, so cognominated, was less censurable for his + gluttony than the infamous purpose to which he applied it— + otherwise he had a parallel in a man of sublime genius. + Handel one day entered a tavern in the city and ordered six + mackarel, a fowl, and a veal cutlet, to be ready at a + certain hour. True to his appointment, he re-appeared at the + time stipulated, and was shown into an apartment where + covers were laid for four. Handel desired to have another + room, and ordered his repast to be served up immediately.— + "Then you don't wait for the rest of the company, sir?" + said the waiter.—"Companee! vat you tell me of companee?" + exclaimed Handel. "I vant no companee. I order dem two tree + ting for my lonch!" The repast was served up, and honoured + by Handel to the bones. He then drank a bottle of wine, and + afterwards went home to dinner! + + During one of the campaigns of Frederick of Prussia, a boor + was brought before him of an appetite so incredibly + ravenous, that he offered to devour a hog barbacued. A + general officer present ob-served, that the fellow ought to + be burnt as a wizard.—"May it please your Majesty," said + the gormand, "to order that old gentleman to take off his + spurs, and I will eat him before I begin the hog!" Panic + struck, although a brave soldier, at the idea of being + devoured alive, the general shut himself up in his tent + until the man-eater departed the encampment. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[315]</span> The Squire knew not what to think—the + circumstance was so extraordinary, that the story would have been rejected + by him as unworthy of notice, had it been told by any other person; and + coming even from his respectable friend, he remained, until reassured of + the fact, rather incredulous of belief. + </p> + <p> + Descending the declivity leading from Pentonville to Battle Bridge, + Dashall, pointing to an extensive pile of buildings at some little + distance on the left,—"That," said he, "is Cold Bath Fields + Penitentiary House, constructed on the plan of the late Mr. Howard, and + may be considered in all respects as an experiment of his principles. It + cost the county of Middlesex between £70 and £80,000, and its yearly + expenditure is about £7,000. It was opened in 1794, and was originally + designed only as a kind of Bridewell; but having suitable accommodations + for several descriptions of prisoners, it was applied to their different + circumstances. The prison you may observe is surrounded by a wall of + moderate height. Here are workshops for the prisoners; an office in which + the business of the prison is transacted; a committee-room, and the best + chapel of any prison in London. The cells are 218 in number, about eight + feet long each. In these, penitentiary prisoners are confined till they + have completed their tasks, when they are let into the courts at the back. + Owing to the exertions of Sir Francis <span class="pagenum">[316]</span> + Burdett, and his partizans, this house, about the year 1799 and 1800, + attracted much popular odium. Many abuses, now rectified, were then found + to exist in the management, though not to the full extent described." + </p> + <p> + A new scene now rose on the view of our two pedestrians. A little further + on, in a field by the roadside, a motley assemblage of auditors environed + an orator mounted on a chair, who with frequent contortion of feature, and + appropriate accompaniment of gesticulation, was holding forth in the + spirit, as Pashalt, surmised, either of radicalism or fanaticism. This + elevated personage, on closer approximation, proved to be a + field-preacher, and judging from exterior appearance, no stranger to the + good things of this life, although his present admonitory harangue + strongly reprobated indulgence in the vanities of this wicked world;—he + was well clad, and in portly condition, and certainly his rubicundity of + visage by no means indicated on his part the union of practice with + precept. + </p> + <p> + Nothing of further interest occurred, and they reached home, pleased with + their day's ramble, that had been productive of so much amusement;—"thus + verifying," said Dashall to the Squire, "the observation which you lately + made—that every hour brings to a metropolitan perambulator a fresh + accession of incident." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0009" id="link42HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Observe that lean wretch, how dejected he looks, + The while these fat Justices pore o'er their books.— + "Hem, hem,—this here fellow our fortunes would tell,— + He thence at the treading-mill must have a spell: + He lives by credulity!"—Most people do,— + Even you on the bench there,—ay, you Sir, and you! + Release then the Confrer at Equity's call, + Or otherwise build treading-mills for us all! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[317]</span> Adverting to the trick recently and + successfully practised on Sir Felix O'Grady, by a juvenile adept in fraud, + obtaining from the Baronet a new suit of clothes; his servant, indignant + at his master having been thus plundered with impunity, had, for several + days, been meditating in what manner most effectually to manouvre, so as + to recover the lost property, and retrieve the honor of Munster, which he + considered tarnished by his master having been duped by a stripling; when + one morning a hand-bill was found in the area, intimating the residence in + Town, pro bono publico, of a celebrated professor of the Occult Sciences; + to whom was given the sublime art of divination, and who, by astrological + and intuitive knowledge, would discover lost or stolen property, with + infallible precision. Thady, whose credulity was of no inferior order, + elate with the idea of consummating his wishes, communicated to his master + the happy opportunity, and was permitted to seek the counsel of the + celestial augurer. Not that the Baronet entertained any belief of its + proving available of discovery, but rather with the view of introducing to + his friends, Dashall and Tallyho, a fresh source of amusement, as + connected with their diurnal investigation of Real Life in London. + </p> + <p> + Thither then, Thady repaired, and consulting the Seer, was astonished by + responses which implied the most profound knowledge of times past, + present, and to come! The simplicity of Thady had not escaped the + Astrologer's <span class="pagenum">[318]</span> notice, who, by dint of + manouvre having contrived to draw from the Munster man, unwittingly, the + requisite intelligence, merely echoed back the information thus received, + to the utter amazement of Thady, who concluded that the Doctor must have + intercourse with the Devil, and thence that he merited implicit veneration + and belief. The sage predictor having received the customary douceur, now + dismissed his credulous visitant, saying that the planets must be + propitiated, and desiring him to come again at the expiration of + twenty-four hours, when he would receive further intelligence. + </p> + <p> + Tom and his Cousin having called at the lodging of Sir Felix during the + time that Thady was out on his expedition of discovery, the Baronet + apprized his friends of the amusement in reserve; and they agreed to visit + this expounder of destinies on the servant's return. + </p> + <p> + Thady at last arrived, and having reiterated his belief that this + marvellous conjurer was the devil's own relative, the party set out to + ascertain by what means they could prove the truth of the affinity between + his infernal majesty and the sage descendant of the Magi. + </p> + <p> + Gaining the sublunary domicile of this mystical unraveller, which for the + greater facility of communication with the stars he had fixed in the + loftiest apartment of the house, our trio knocked at the door, which, + after some hesitation, was opened by an ancient Sybil, who was presently + joined by her counterpart, both "so withered and so wild in their attire," + that "they looked not like inhabitants o' th' earth, and yet were on it." + On the party requiring to see the Doctor, the two hags explained in a + breath that the Doctor received only one visitor at a time; and while one + gentleman went up stairs, the other two must remain below; and this + arrangement being acquiesced in, Tom and Bob were shewn into a mean + looking room on the ground floor, and Sir Felix followed the ascent of his + conductor to the attic. + </p> + <p> + Entering the presence chamber,—"Welcome, sphinx," exclaimed the + Doctor. + </p> + <p> + "By the powers," said the Baronet, "but you are right to a letter; the + Sphinx is a monster-man, and I, sure enough, am a Munster-man." + </p> + <p> + "I know it.—What would'st thou, Sir Felix O'Grady?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[319]</span> The Baronet felt surprised by this + familiar recognition of his person, and replied by observing, that as the + inquirer so well knew his name, he might also be acquainted with the + nature of his business. + </p> + <p> + "I partly guess it," rejoined the Seer, "and although I cannot absolutely + predict restitution of thy lost property, yet I foresee that accident will + throw the depredator in thy way, when the suit may perhaps find its way + back to thy wardrobe. Now, hence to thy business, and I to mine." + </p> + <p> + The Baronet having nothing further to ask, withdrew accordingly; and our + Squire of Belville-hall was next ushered into the <i>sanctum sanctorum</i>. + </p> + <p> + Bob was at a loss what to say, not having prepared himself with any + reasonable pretext of inquiry. A silence of a few moments was the + consequence, and the Squire having first reconnoitred the person of the + conjurer, who was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his profession, + scrutinized the apartment, when the attention of the visitor and visited + being again drawn to each other, the Soothsayer addressed himself to + Tallyho in the following words: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The shadows of joy shall the mind appal, + And the death-light dimly flit round the hall + Of him, by base lucre who led astray, + Shall age into fruitless minion betray! + + The death-light shall glimmer in Belville-hall, + And childless the lord of the mansion fall; + A wife when he weds, vain, ugly, and old, + Though charms she brings forty thousand in gold! +</pre> + <p> + The Squire was not prone to anger; but that this fellow should interfere + with his private concerns, and impute to him the intention of forming a + most preposterous connexion, under the influence of avarice, roused him + into a whirlwind of passion.—"Rascal!" he exclaimed, "who take upon + you to predict the fate of others, are you aware of your own! Vagabond! + imposter! here I grasp you, nor will I quit my hold until I surrender you + into the hands of justice!" And "suiting the action to the word," he + seized and shook the unfortunate Seer, to the manifest discomposure of his + bones, who loudly and lamentably cried out for assistance. Alarmed by the + clamour, Dashall and the Baronet rushed up stairs, to whom the Squire + stated the aggravation <span class="pagenum">[320]</span> received, and at + the same time his determination to bring the cheat to punishment. The + trembling culprit sued for mercy, conscious that he was amenable to + correction as a rogue and vagabond, and if convicted as such, would + probably be sent to expiate his offence in the Treading-Mill at Brixton, a + place of atonement for transgression, which of all others he dreaded the + most.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Union-Hall.—Hannah Totnkins, a miserable woman of the + town, was brought before R. G. Chambers, Esq. charged with + having robbed another of the unfortunate class of her + clothes. It appeared, that the prisoner had been liberated + from Brixton prison on Friday-last, after a confinement of + three weeks; and that on coming out she was met by the + complainant, Catherine Flynn, by whom she was taken to a + comfortable lodging, supplied with necessaries, and treated + with great kindness. The prisoner acted with propriety until + Monday night, during which she remained out in the streets. + On Tuesday morning, at four o'clock, she came home drenched + with rain. The complainant desired her either to go to bed, + or to light a fire and dry her clothes. The prisoner did + neither, and the complainant went to sleep. At about seven + the latter awoke, and missed her gown, petticoat, and + bonnet. The prisoner was also missing. The complainant + learned that her clothes were at a pawnbroker's shop, where + they had been left a short time before by the prisoner. + Hall, the officer, having heard of the robbery, went in + quest of the prisoner, and found her in a gin-shop in + Blackman-street, in a state of intoxication. He brought her + before the magistrates in this condition. Her hair was + hanging about her face, which was swelled and discoloured by + the hardship of the preceding night. She did not deny that + she had stolen the clothes of her poor benefactress, but she + pleaded in her excuse, that the condition of her body, from + the rain of Monday night, was such, that nothing but gin + could have saved her life, and the only way she had of + getting that medicine, was by pledging Katty Flynn's + clothes. The magistrates asked the prisoner whether she had + not got enough of the treading-mill at Brixton. The prisoner + begged for mercy's sake not to be sent to the treading-mill. + She would prefer transportation; for it was much more + honourable to go over the water, than to be sent as a rogue + and vagabond to Brixton. She was sent back to prison. It is + a remarkable fact, that since the famous Treading-Mill has + been erected at Brixton, the business of this office has + greatly declined. The mill is so constructed, that when a + man ventures to be idle in it, he receives a knock on the + head from a piece OF WOOD, which is put there to give them + notice of what they ere to do!!! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[321]</span> The two ancient Sybils from the lower + regions having now ascended the scene of confusion, united their voices + with that of the astrologer, and Dashall and Sir Felix also interceding in + his behalf, the Squire yielded to the general entreaty, and promised the + soothsayer forgiveness, on condition that he disclosed the source whence + he derived information as to the Baronet's family concerns. The soothsayer + confessed, that he had elicited intelligence from the servant, who in his + simplicity had revealed so much of his master's affairs, as to enable him + (the conjurer) to sustain his reputation even with Sir Felix himself, whom + from description he recognized on his first entrance, and by the same + means, and with equal ease, identified the person of the Squire of + Belville-hall. He added besides, that he had frequently, by similar + stratagem, acquired intelligence; that chance had more than once favoured + him, by verifying his predictions, and thus both his fame and finances had + obtained aggrandisement. He now promised to relinquish celestial for + sublunary pursuits, and depend for subsistence rather on the exercise of + honest industry than on public credulity. + </p> + <p> + Thus far had matters proceeded, when the Baronet's servant Thady was + announced. The triumvirate anticipating some extraordinary occurrence, + desired the soothsayer to resume his functions, and give the valet + immediate audience, while they retired into another apartment to wait the + result. In a few minutes the servant was dismissed, and the party + readmitted. + </p> + <p> + "Chance," said the augurer, "has again befriended me. I told you, Sir + Felix, that the depredator would be thrown in your way: my prediction is + realized; he has been accidentally encountered by your servant, and is now + in safe custody." + </p> + <p> + On this information our party turned homewards, first leaving the + astrologer a pecuniary stimulation to projected amendment of life. + </p> + <p> + "There seems nothing of inherent vileness," said the Squire, as they + walked onwards, "in this man's principles; he may have been driven by + distress to his present pursuits; and I feel happy that I did not consign + the poor devil to the merciless fangs of the law, as, in the moment of + irritation, I had intended." + </p> + <p> + "By my conscience," exclaimed Sir Felix, "I cannot discover that he ought + to be punished at all. He has been picking up a scanty living by preying + on public credulity; and from the same source thousands in this metropolis + derive affluent incomes, and with patronage and impunity." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[322]</span> "And," added Dashall, "in cases of + minor offence a well-timed clemency is frequently, both in policy and + humanity, preferable to relentless severity."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 As a contrast to these exemplary feelings, and in + illustration of Real Life in London, as it regards a total + absence of sympathy and gentlemanly conduct, in one of a + respectable class in society, we present our readers with + the following detail:— + + Hatton Garden. On Saturday sennight, Robert Powell was + brought before the magistrates, charged with being a rogue, + vagabond, and imposter, and obtaining money under + fraudulent pretences, from one Thomas Barnes, a footman in + the service of Surgeon Blair, of Great Russell-street, + Bloomsbury, and taking from him 2s. 6d. under pretence of + telling him the destinies of a female fellow-servant, by + means of his skill in astrological divina-tion. The nature + of the offence, and the pious frond by which the disciple of + Zoroaster was caught in the midst of his sorceries, were + briefly as follow:—This descendant of the Magi, born to + illumine the world by promulgating the will of the stars, + had of course no wish to conceal his residence; on the + contrary, he resolved to announce his qualification in the + form of a printed handbill, and to distribute the manifesto + for the information of the world. One of these bills was + dropped down the area of Mr. Blair's house; it was found by + his footman, and laid on the breakfast-table, with the + newspaper of the morning, as a morceau of novelty, for his + amusement. Mr. Blair concerted with some of the agents of + the Society for the Suppression of Vice, a stratagem to + entrap the Sidéral Professor; in the furtherance of which he + dictated to his footman a letter to the Seer, expressive of + a wish to know the future destinies of his fellow-servant, + the cook-maid, and what sort of a husband the constellations + had, in their benign influence, assigned her. With this + letter the footman set out for No. 5, Sutton-street, Soho, + where he found the Seer had, for the convenience of prompt + intercourse, chosen his habitation as near the stars as the + roof of the mansion would admit. Here the footman announced + the object of his embassy, delivered his credentials, and + was told by the Seer, that "lie could certainly give him an + answer now, 'by word of mouth,' but if he would call next + day, he should be better prepared, as, in the meantime, he + could consult the stars, and have for him a written answer." + The footman retired, and returned next morning, received the + written response, gave to the Seer the usual donation of 2s. + 6d. previously marked, which sum he figured upon the answer, + and the receipt of which the unsuspecting Sage acknowledged + by his signature. With this proof of his diligence, he + returned to his master, and was further to state the matter + to the magistrates. A vigilant officer was therefore sent + after the prophet, whom he found absorbed in profound + cogitation, casting the nativities of two plump damsels, + and consulting the dispositions of the stars as to the + disposition of the lasses; but the unrelenting officer + entered, and proceeded to fulfil his mission. On searching + the unfortunate Sage, the identical half-crown paid him by + Barnes was found, with two others in his pocket, where such + coins had long been strangers; and the cabalistical chattels + of his profession accompanied him as the lawful spoil of the + captor. The magistrate, before whom he had been convicted on + a former occasion of a similar offence, observed that it was + highly reprehensible for a man who possessed abilities, + which by honest exertion might procure him a creditable + livelihood, thus to degrade himself by a life of imposture + and fraud upon the ignorant and unwary. The wretched + prisoner, who stood motionless and self-convicted, exhibited + a picture of wretchedness from whicli the genius of + Praxiteles would not have disdained to sketch the statue of + Ill Luck. Never did soothsayer seem less a favourite of the + Fates! Aged, tall, meagre, ragged, filthy and care-worn, his + squalid looks depicted want and sorrow. Every line of his + countenance seemed a furrow of grief; and his eyes gushing + with tears, in faint and trembling accents he addressed the + Court. He acknowledged the truth of the charge, but said, + that nothing but the miseries of a wretched family could + have driven him to such a line of life. If he had been able, + he would gladly have swept the streets; but he was too + feeble so to do; he had tried every thing in his power, but + in vain,— + + "He could not dig, to beg he was ashamed;" + + and even if begging, either by private solicitation or + openly in the streets, could promise him a casual resource + in the charity of the passing crowd, he was afraid he should + thereby incur prosecution as a rogue and vagabond, and be + imprisoned in Bridewell. Parish settlement he has none; and + what was to be done for a wretched wife and three famishing + children? He had no choice between famine, theft, or + imposture. His miserable wife, he feared, was even now + roaming and raving through the streets, her disorder + aggravated by his misfortunes; and his wretched children + without raiment or food. To him death would be a welcome + relief from a life of misery, tolerable only in the hope of + being able to afford, by some means, a wretched subsistence + to his family. + + The magistrates, obviously affected by this scene, said that + they felt themselves obliged to commit the prisoner, as he + had not only been repeatedly warned of the consequences of + his way of life, but was once before convicted of a similar + offence. He was therefore committed for trial. + + Does Surgeon Blair, who obtains his twenty guineas a day, + and lives in affluence, think by such conduct as the present + to merit the esteem of the world, by thus hunting into the + toils of justice such miserable objects? If he does, though + we cannot respect him or his associates for their humanity, + we may undoubtedly pity them for their ignorance and + superstition. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[324]</span> On the arrival of the party at the + lodgings of Sir Felix, they learned from the servant, that the latter + having met the young swindler in the streets, Thady recognized and secured + him; and he was now at the disposal of the Baronet, if he chose to proceed + against him. + </p> + <p> + The sprig of iniquity, when made forthcoming, did not deny the accuracy of + the charge, neither did he offer any thing in exculpation. It was with + much difficulty, however, and under the threat of his being immediately + surrendered to justice, that he would disclose the name of his father, who + proved to be a respectable tradesman residing in the neighbourhood. The + unfortunate parent was sent for, and his son's situation made known to + him. The afflicted man earnestly beseeched, that his son might not be + prosecuted; he was not aware, he said, that the lad was habitually + vicious; this probably was his only deviation from honesty; he, the + father, would make every reparation required; but exposure would entail + upon his family irretrievable ruin. It was elicited from the boy, amid + tears and sobs of apparent contrition, that the articles of apparel were + in pledge for a small sum; redemption, and every other possible atonement, + was instantly proposed by the father: Sir Felix hesitated, was he + justifiable, he asked, in yielding to his own wishes, by foregoing + prosecution?—"The attribute of mercy," said Dashall, "is still in + your power."—"Then," responded the Baronet, "I shall avail myself of + the privilege. Sir, (to the father), your boy is at liberty!" The now + relieved parent expressed, in the most energetic manner, his gratitude, + and retired. The prediction of the Seer was fully verified, for in the + course of the evening the stray suit found its way back to the wardrobe of + its rightful owner. + </p> + <p> + This business happily concluded, and the day not much beyond its meridian, + the three friends again sallied forth in the direction of Bond-street, + towards Piccadilly. As usual, the loungers were superabundant, and + ridiculous. Paired together, and swerving continually from the direct + line, it required some skilful manouvring to pass them. Our friends had + surmounted several such impediments, when a new obstruction to their + progress presented itself. A party of Exquisites had linked themselves + together, and occupied the entire pavement, so that it was impossible to + precede them without getting into the carriage-way, thus greatly + obstructing and inconveniencing all other passengers. Lounging at a + funeral pace, and leaving not the smallest opening, it was evident that + <span class="pagenum">[325]</span> these effeminate animals had purposely + united themselves for public annoyance. Sir Felix, irritated by this + palpable outrage on decorum, stepped forward, with hasty determined + stride, and coming unexpectedly and irresistibly in contact, broke at once + the concatenated barrier, to the great amusement as well as accommodation + of the lookers-on, and total discomfiture of the Exquisites, who observing + the resolute mien and robust form of their assailant, not forgetting a + formidable piece of timber, alias "sprig of shillaleagh," which he bore in + his hand, prudently consulted their safety, and forebore resentment of the + interruption.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 If in walking the streets of London, the passenger kept + the right hand side, it would prevent the frequent + recurrence of much jostling and confusion. The laws of the + road are observed on the carriage-way in the metropolis most + minutely, else the street would be in a continual blockade. + But + + The laws of the road are a paradox quite, + That puzzles the marvelling throng; + For if on the left, you are yet on the right, + And if you are right, you are wrong! +</pre> + <p> + The Baronet's two associates very much approved of his spirited + interference, and Dashall observed, that these insignificant beings, whom + Sir Felix had so properly reproved, were to be seen, thus incommoding the + public, in all parts of the metropolis; but more particularly westward; + that in crowded streets, however, for instance, in the direct line from + Charing Cross to the Royal Exchange, the apparent Exquisites are generally + thieves and pickpockets, who find a harvest in this extensive scene of + business, by artful depredation, either upon the unwary tradesman, or + equally unsuspecting passenger, whose wiper or tattler, and sometimes + both, becomes the frequent produce of their active ingenuity. + </p> + <p> + The morning had been wet, and although the flag-way was dry, yet the + carriage-road was dirty. There are, in all parts of the metropolis, + indigent objects of both sexes, who by sweeping the cross-way, pick up an + eleemosynary livelihood. It not unfrequently happens, however, that a + chariot, or other vehicle, is drawn up at one end of the cross-way + directly athwart it, so as completely to intercept your way to the + pavement. Exactly so situated were our pedestrians. They had availed + themselves of a newly swept path, and were advancing towards the opposite + side, <span class="pagenum">[326]</span>in Piccadilly, when, before they + could effect their purpose, a carriage drew up, and effectually impeded + further progress by the cross-way, so that there seemed no alternative + between standing fast and gaining the pavement by walking through the mud. + The coachman retained his position despite of remonstrance, and in this + laudable stubbornness he was encouraged by a well-attired female inside + the vehicle, for the carriage was a private one, and its ill-mannered + inmate probably a lady of rank and fashion. Sir Felix, justly indignant at + this treatment, set danger and inconvenience at defiance, and deliberately + walking to the horses' heads, led the animals forward until the carriage + had cleared the cross-way, maugre the threats of the lady, and the whip of + the coachman, who had the audacity to attempt exercising it on the person + of the Baronet, when Tallyho, dreading the consequences to the rash + assailant, sprang upon the box, and arresting his hand, saved the honour + of Munster! The transaction did not occupy above two minutes, yet a number + of people had collected, and vehemently applauded Sir Felix; and the + lady's companion now hastily re-entering the chariot from an adjacent + shop, Mr. Jehu drove off rapidly, amidst the hoots and hisses of the + multitude.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Sir Felix had not heard of the following incident, else he + certainly would have followed its example:— + + Two ladies of distinction stopped in a carriage at a + jeweller's near Charing-cross; one of them only got out, and + the coach stood across the path-way which some gentlemen + wanted to cross to the other side, and desired the coachman + to move on a little; the fellow was surly, and refused; the + gentlemen remonstrated, but in vain. During the altercation, + the lady came to the shop door, and foolishly ordered the + coachman not to stir from his place. On this, one of the + gentlemen opened the coach-door, and with boots and spurs + stepped through the carriage. He was followed by his + companions, to the extreme discomposure of the lady within, + as well as the lady without. To complete the jest, a party + of sailors coming up, observed, that, "If this was a + thoroughfare, they had as much right to it as the gemmen;" + and accordingly scrambled through the carriage. +</pre> + <p> + The poor street-sweeper having applied to Sir Felix for a mite of + benevolence,—"And is it for letting the carriage block up the + cross-way, and forcing me through the mud," asked the Baronet;—" but + whether or not, I have not got any halfpence about me, so that I must pay + you when I come again."—"Ah! your honour," exclaimed the man, "it is + unknown the credit I give in this way." Sir Felix thrust his hand into his + pocket, and rewarded the applicant with a tester. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[327]</span> Proceeding along Piccadilly, our party + were followed by a Newfoundland dog, which circumstance attracted the + notice of the Baronet, to whom more than to either of his associates the + animal seemed to attach itself. Pleased with its attention, Sir Felix + caressed it, and when the triumvirate entered a neighbouring coffee-house, + the dog was permitted to accompany them. Scarcely had the three friends + seated themselves, when a man of decent appearance came into the room, + and, without ceremony, accused the Baronet of having, by surreptitious + means, obtained possession of his property; in other words, of having + inveigled away his dog; and demanding instant restitution. + </p> + <p> + Sir Felix fired at the accusation, divested as it was of the shadow of + truth, yet unsuspicious of design, would have instantly relinquished his + canine acquaintance, but for the interposition of Dashall, who suspected + this intrusive personage to be neither more nor less than a dog-stealer, + of whom there are many in London continually on the alert for booty. These + fellows pick up all stray dogs, carry them home, and detain them until + such time as they are advertised, and a commensurate reward is offered by + the respective owners. If, then, the dog is intrinsically of no value, and + consequently unsaleable, the adept in this species of depredation, finding + he can do no better, takes the dog home, receives the promised reward, and + generally an additional gratuity in compensation of keep and trouble; but, + should it so happen, that the proffered remuneration is not equivalent to + the worth of the animal, the conscientious professor of knavery carries + his goods to a more lucrative market. At the instance of Dashall, + therefore, Sir Felix was determined to retain the animal until the + claimant brought irrefragable proof of ownership. The fellow blustered,—the + Baronet was immovable in his resolution;—when the other threw off + all disguise, and exhibiting himself in pristine blackguardism, inundated + Sir Felix with a torrent of abuse; who disdaining any minor notice of his + scurrility, seized the fellow, with one hand by the cape of his coat, with + the other by the waistband of his breeches, and bearing him to the door, + as he would any other noxious animal, fairly pitched him head foremost + into the street, to the manifest surprise and dismay of the passengers, to + whom he told a "pitiable tale," when one of the crowd pronounced him to be + a notorious dog-stealer, and the fellow, immediately on this recognition, + made a precipitate retreat. <span class="pagenum">[328]</span> "I am + glad," said Dashall to his friends, who had witnessed the result of this + affair from one of the windows of the coffee-room, "that our canine + acquaintance (patting the animal at the same time) is now clearly + exonerated from any participation of knavery. I had my suspicions that he + was a well-disciplined associate in iniquity, taught to follow any person + whom his pretended owner might point at, as a fit object of prey." + </p> + <p> + The Baronet and the Squire, particularly the latter, had heard much of the + "Frauds of London," but neither of them was aware that metropolitan + roguery was carried on and accelerated through the medium of canine + agency. + </p> + <p> + In confirmation of this fact, however, Dashall mentioned two + circumstances, both of which had occurred within these few years back, the + one of a man who, in different parts of the suburbs, used to secrete + himself behind a hedge, and when a lady came in view, his dog would go + forth to rob her; the reticule was the object of plunder, which the dog + seldom failed to get possession of, when he would instantly carry the + spoil to his master. The other case was that of a person who had trained + his dog to depredations in Whitechapel-market. This sly thief would + reconnoitre the butcher's stalls, particularly on a Saturday night amidst + the hurry of business, and carry off whatever piece of meat was most + conveniently tangible, and take it home with all possible caution and + celerity. We have heard of their answering questions, playing cards, and + casting accompts,—in fact, their instinctive sagacity has frequently + the appearance of reasoning faculties; they even now are competent to + extraordinary performances, and what further wonders the ingenuity of man + may teach them to accomplish, remains hereafter to be ascertained.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The following anecdote is particularly illustrative of + canine sagacity. It shews that the dog is sensible of + unmerited injury, and will revenge it accordingly; it + exhibits the dog also, as a reflective animal, and proves + that, though he has not the gift of speech, he is yet + endowed with the power of making himself understood by his + own species. Some years ago, the traveller of a mercantile + house in London, journeying into Cornwall, was followed by + his favourite dog, to Exeter; where the traveller left him, + in charge of the landlord of the Inn, until his return. The + animal was placed in an inner yard, which, for sometime + back, had been in the sole occupation of the house-dog; and + the latter, considering the new comer an intruder, did not + fail to give the poor stranger many biting taunts + accordingly. Deserted, scorned, insulted and ill-treated, + the poor animal availed himself of the first opportunity, + and escaped. The landlord scoured the country in quest of + the fugitive, without effect. After the lapse of a few days, + the traveller's dog returned to the Inn, accompanied by two + others, and the triumvirate entering the yard, proceeded to + execute summary vengeance on the house-dog, and drove him + howling from his territories. The two dogs were from + London,— + + "Their locket letter'd braw-brass collars, + Shew'd they were gentlemen and scholars." + + Hence it appears, that the traveller's dog went to London, + told his grievance to his two friends, and brought them to + Exeter to avenge his cause! +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[329]</span> Emerging from the coffee-house, + companied by their newly acquired canine friend, our observers proceeded + along Piccadilly, when reaching its extremity, and turning into the Park + by Constitution-hill, they were met by the servant, Thady. + </p> + <p> + "Your honour," said the valet, "haven't I been after soaking you, here and + there, and every where, and no where at all, at all, vrid this letter, bad + luck to it, becays of the trouble it may give you; and indeed I was sent + after your honour by Miss Macgilligan;—there's ill luck at home, + your honour." + </p> + <p> + "Then I shall not make any haste," said Sir Felix, "to meet such a guest." + </p> + <p> + He then read aloud the ominous epistle:— + </p> + <p> + "My dear Nephew.—A vexatious affair has occurred.—I shall be + glad to see you, as soon as possible.—J. M." + </p> + <p> + "Perhaps you can oblige us with the history," said the Baronet, "of this + same 'vexatious affair;' but observe me, let it be an abridgement,—Miss + Macgilligan will favour us with it in detail." + </p> + <p> + "Why then, your honour," said the valet, "you had not gone out many + minutes, when there came a <i>rit-tat</i> to the door, and a gintail + good-looking gentleman inquired for Mr. A——a. Begging your + pardon, says I, if it is my master vou mane, he does not belong to the + family of the Misters at all; his name is Sir Felix O'Grady, of the + province of Munster, Baronet, and I am his valet; long life and good luck + to both of us!" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[330]</span> "This is rather a tedious + commencement," observed Sir Felix to his marvelling associates,—"but + I believe we must let the fellow tell the story in his own way.—Well, + Tliady, what next?" + </p> + <p> + "So, your Honour, he inquired whether he could spaak wid you, and I told + him that it was rather doubtful, becays you were not at home; but, says I, + Miss Judy Macgilligan, his Honour's reverend aunt, is now in her + dressing-room, and no doubt will be proud in the honour of your + acquaintance." + </p> + <p> + "My 'reverend aunt' certainly ought to feel herself very much obliged to + you.—Well, Sir!" + </p> + <p> + "And so, your Honour, the maid went for instructions, and Miss Macgilligan + desired that the gentleman should be shewn into the drawing-room, until + she could make her appearance. Well, then, after waiting some little time, + he rings the bell, with the assurance of a man of quality, just as if he + had been at home. So up stairs I goes, and meets him in the hall. 'Pray,' + says he, 'have the goodness to present my best respects to the lady; I + will not obtrude upon her at present, but shall call again tomorrow,' and + away he walked; and that's all, your Honour." "That's all! What am I to + understand then by the 'vexatious affair' my aunt speaks of?" + </p> + <p> + "O," exclaimed Thady, recollecting himself,—"may be she manes her + gold watch, which the gentleman discovered in the drawing-room, and + carried away in his pocket, by mistake!" + </p> + <p> + "Very well, Sir," said the Baronet; "now that we have «orne to the finis, + you may go home." + </p> + <p> + It is evident the gentleman had availed himself of the Baronet's absence + from home, and that the information derived from the communicative valet + encouraged the hope of success which he so adroitly realized. + </p> + <p> + Dashall and his Cousin were about sympathizing with the Baronet on this + new misfortune, when he gave vent to bis feelings by an immoderate fit of + laughter!—"Miss Macgilligan has had the benefit of a practical + lesson," he exclaimed, "which she cannot fail to remember;—her + vanity would not permit her seeing the stranger until the frivolities of + the toilet were adjusted, and thus he made the most of a golden + opportunity." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[331]</span> The three friends now retraced their + steps along Piccadilly, until they arrived at the residence of Dashall, + when they separated; the Baronet to condole with Miss Macgilligan, and the + two Cousins to dress, preparatory to their dining with an eminent merchant + in the city. + </p> + <p> + Leaving then, for the present, Sir Felix and his aunt to their own family + cogitations, we shall accompany the Hon. Tom Dashall and the Squire of + Belville-hall on their civic expedition. + </p> + <p> + The wealthy citizen at whose table they were now entertained, rose, like + many others, the children of industry, from comparative indigence to + affluence, and from obscurity to eminence. + </p> + <p> + The party was select; the dinner was sumptuous, yet unostentatious; and + the conversation, if not exactly in the first class of refinement, was to + the two strangers interestingly instructive, as embracing topics of + mercantile pursuit with which they had hitherto been unacquainted. It was + also highly enlivened by the sprightly sallies of three beautiful and + elegantly accomplished young ladies, the daughters of the amiable host and + hostess; and to these fair magnets of attraction, whom Dashall happily + denominated the Graces, our gallant cavaliers were particularly assiduous + in their attentions. The party broke up, after an evening of reciprocal + enjoyment; and Dashall on the way home expressed his belief that, with the + solitary exception of one colossal instance of ignorance and brutality, + "the very respectable man" in society is most generally to be found among + the merchants of London.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 "The very respectable. Man" is the true representative of + the commercial character of Great Britain. He possesses more + information than the Dutch trader, and more refinement than + the Scotch manufacturer, with all the business + qualifications of either. He is shrewd, industrious, manly, + and independent; and as he is too much in earnest for the + slightest affectation, he shews his character in his dress, + his carriage, and his general appearance. His dress is at + once plain and neat; and if his coat should accidentally + exhibit the cut of a more genteel manufacturer, the + interstice between his boot (he wears top boots) and small + clothes, the fashion of his cravat, which is rolled round a + stiffner two inches in diameter, and tied in a bow, besides + a variety of other more minute characteristics, decidedly + refute all suspicion of an attempt at attaining the + appearance of a man of fashion. The end of a Spitalfields + silk-handkerchief just appearing from the pocket hole at the + top of his skirt, shews at once his regard for good things + and native manufactures; while the dignity of his tread + declares his consciousness of his own importance, the + importance of "a very respectable man," and to attribute it + to any other than such an "honest pride," would be + derogatory to his reputation and feelings. If he meets a + business acquaintance of an higher rank than his own, his + respectful yet unembarrassed salutation at once sufficiently + expresses the disparity of their two conditions, and his + consciousness of the respectability of his own, while the + respectfully condescending notice of the Peer exhibits the + reversed flow of the same feelings. The very respect-able + man is always accurately acquainted with the hackney coach + fares to the different parts of London, and any attempt at + imposition on the part of the coachman is sure to be + detected and punished. He is never to be caught walking to + the Bank on a public holiday; and the wind must have shifted + very fast indeed, if it should happen to be in the north, + when he believes it to be in the south. The state of the + stocks is familiar to him; and as he watches their + fluctuations with an attentive eye, their history, for weeks + or even for months, is often in his memory. The very + respectable man is always employed, but never in a hurry; + and he perhaps is never better pleased than when he meets a + congenial friend, who interrupts the current of business by + the introduction of a mutual discussion of some important + failure: Mr. Such-a-one's rapid acquirement of fortune,—the + rise or fall of the funds, &c,—of all which the causes or + consequences are importantly whispered or significantly + prophesied. At home the government of the very respectable + man's family is arbitrary, but the governor is not a tyrant; + his wife has not, like the woman of fashion, any distinct + rights, but she enjoys extensive indulgencies; she has + power, but it flows from him, and though she is a + responsible, she is not a discretional, agent. The table is + to correspond with the moderation of the master, and the + matron will be scolded or reproved as it varies from the + proper medium between meanness and profusion. + + The very respectable man is never less in his element than + when he is in the centre of his wife's parties, for here he + must resign the reins into her hands, and, alas! there is no + such character as the very respectable woman. All our women + would be women of fashion; and in dress and expense, in the + numbers of their card tables, and the splendour of their + parties, in every thing but manners, they are. Here, at his + own fireside, the very respectable man may be considered as + not at home till a rubber, a genial rubber, which is + provided him as soon as possible, renders him blind to the + folly and deaf to the clamour of the scene. The very + respect-able man shews to least advantage as a politician; + as his opinions are derived less from reading than + experience, they are apt to be dogmatical and contracted. In + political philosophy he is too frequently half a century + behind his age; is still in the habit of considering specie + as wealth, and talks loudly of the commercial benefits of + the late war. Such is the "very respectable man," a + character decidedly inferior to that of many individuals in + the class of society immediately above him; but which, + considered as the character of a class, appears to be + superior at once to that above and that below it—on a + comparison with that above too, it more than makes up in the + mass of its virtues for the deficiency in their quality, and + appears to be like Solon's laws, if not the very best that + might be, at least the best of which the state of society + admits. In the lower orders, the social character is in its + mineral state; in the higher, the fineness of the gold is + prejudicial to its durability. In the "very respectable man + "it is found mixed with some portion of alloy, but in + greater quantity, and adapted to all the uses and purposes + for which it is designed. As a civil member of society, if + his theoretical politics are defective, the advantages + derived to society from his industry and integrity, more + than counterbalance those defects in his theory. As a + religious member of society, if his religion might be more + refined, if his attendance at church is considered rather as + a parochial than a spiritual duty, and his appearance in his + own pew is at least as much regarded as his devotions there; + the regularity of his attendance, the harmony of his + principles and practice, his exemplary manner of filling his + different relations, more than make up for the inferiority + in the tone of his religion. The commercial and religious + capital of society are, in short, continually advancing by + his exertions, though they don't advance so fast as they + otherwise would if those exertions were directed by more + intellect. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0010" id="link42HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Vainly bountiful nature shall fill up Life's measure, + If we're not to enjoyment awake; + Churls that cautiously filtrate and analyze pleasure, + Deserve not the little they take. + + I hate all those pleasures where angling and squaring. + And fitting and cutting by rules, + And ——- me—dear me, I beg pardon for swearing, + All that follow such fashions are fools. + + For let who may be undone, + I say Life in London, + Of pleasure's the prop and the staff, + That sets ev'ry muscle + In a comical bustle + And tickles one into a laugh." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[334]</span> The long protracted visit to Vauxhall + being at length finally arranged, our party soon found themselves in the + midst of this gay and fascinating scene of amusement. + </p> + <p> + "These charming gardens," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "which you may + perhaps have some recollection of upon a masquerade occasion, having + lately fallen into new hands, have assumed, under their direction and + management, a new appearance of additional splendour and magnificence + perhaps scarcely ever surpassed, and the present proprietors appear to + have studied the comfort and gratification of their visitors as well as + their own advantage; but of this we shall be better judges before the + night is spent." + </p> + <p> + "Right," replied Sparkle, "I am not fond of far fetched descriptions, + which may upon investigation prove to have originated more in the + imagination of the author than in reality to exist." + </p> + <p> + "At all events," continued Tom, "the Gardens themselves are beautiful and + extensive, and contain a variety of walks, which, if but tastefully + illuminated, and attended by rank, fashion, and beauty, can never fail to + be attractive." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[335]</span> Our heroes rushed forward to the + splendid scene of enchantment, which had drawn forth the previous + observations, mingling with the crowds of well dressed persons, who like + themselves were upon the alert to witness this delightful place of summer + amusement in the new form which it has recently assumed: the virandas + tastefully festooned with painted canvass—the brilliantly + illuminated orchestra, and the animated countenances of the company, + conspired to produce an effect almost inconceivable, while new objects of + delight were continually bursting upon their view. The illuminated + colonade newly decorated with carved and painted flowers, fruit, and + foliage, and Mr. Singleton's original whole length transparent portrait of + his Majesty in his coronation robes, alternately attracted attention, as + well as the four cosmoramas constructed in various parts of the gardens, + consisting of some very pretty views of the New Exchange at Paris, scenes + in Switzerland, &c. In the musical department, Sparkle was much + pleased to find some of the old favourites, particularly Mr. Charles + Taylor and Mrs. Bland, as well as with the performance of a Miss Graddon, + who possesses a rich voice, with considerable power and flexibility, and + of Madame Georgina, an East Indian Lady, who afterwards sung very + charmingly in the Rotunda, accompanying herself on the piano forte, in a + style which proved her to be a most skilful performer. + </p> + <p> + But the grand subject of their admiration was what is rather affectedly + called "The Heptaplasiesoptron," or fancy reflective proscenium, which is + placed in the long room fronting the orchestra of the Rotunda. It is + entirely lined with looking glass, and has in all probability originated + in the curious effect produced by the kaleidoscope, and the looking glass + curtains lately exhibited at our theatres. This splendid exhibition is + fitted up with ornamented draperies, and presents a fountain of real water + illuminated, revolving pillars, palm trees, serpents, foliage, and + variegated lamps; and the mirrors are so placed as to reflect each object + seven times. This novelty appeared to excite universal admiration, + inspiring the company with ideas of refreshing coolness. The bubbling of + water, the waving of the foliage, and the seven times reflected effulgence + of the lamps, gave the whole an appearance of enchantment, which sets all + description at defiance. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[336]</span> Having taken a complete circle through + this round of delights, interrupted only by the congratulations and + inquiries of friends, the appointed hour for exhibiting the fire-works + arrived, when they were additionally gratified by a display of the most + splendid description, and the famous ascent <i>a la Saqui</i> was + admirably executed by Longuemarc; after witnessing which, they quickly + retired to a box, where they gave directions for supper. It is but justice + to say, that upon this being furnished, they found the refreshments to be + of the best quality, and supplied upon moderate terms; the wines by the + London Wine Company, and the viands by Mr. Wayte. + </p> + <p> + About two o'clock in the morning, our friends took their departure from + this romantic spot, after an excursion fraught with pleasure and delight. + </p> + <p> + On the following morning, Sparkle received a letter from Merrywell, with + information of the death of his uncle, and of his succession to the + estate, having arrived just in time to prevent his decease without a will. + This was a subject of exultation to all the party, though to none more so + than Sparkle, particularly as the estate alluded to was situated in the + neighbourhood of his own residence. + </p> + <p> + "Merrywell," said Dashall, "will become a gay fellow now, as he will have + ample means, as well as inclination (which I know he has never been + wanting of) to sport his figure in good style, without resorting to any + scheme to keep the game alive." + </p> + <p> + "True," said Sparkle, "without crossing and jostling, and if he has his + own good in view, he will reside chiefly in the country, choose an amiable + partner for life, and only pay a visit to the metropolis occasionally; for + to live in this land of temptations, where you can hardly step across the + way without getting into error, must be baneful in effect to a young man + like him, of an ardent mind. What say you, friend Tallyho?" + </p> + <p> + "I confess," replied Bob, "that I entertain thoughts very similar to + yours; besides, I apprehend that our old friend Merrywell has had + sufficient experience himself to admit the justice of your observation." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[337]</span> "Pshaw," rejoined Dashall, "you are + getting completely unfashionable. What can be more bang up than a Life in + London—high life and low life—shake the castor, tip the flash, + and nibble the blunt. Look for instance at young Lord Lappit—cares + for nothing—all blood and spirit—fire and tow—up to + every thing, and down as a hammer." + </p> + <p> + "His is a general case," replied Sparkle, "and is only one among numerous + others, to prove that many of the disorders which are daily visible in + high life, may be traced to the education, or rather the want of education + of the youthful nobility and gentry. It would be a shocking and + insupportable degradation to send a sprig of fashion to school among + common boys, where probably he might learn something really useful. No, + no,—he must have a private tutor, who is previously instructed to + teach him nothing more than what will enable him to pass muster, as not + quite a fool. Under this guidance, he skims over a few authors almost + without reading, and at all events without knowing what they have written, + merely with a view to acquaint him that there were once such persons in + existence; after which, this tutor accompanies him to one of the public + schools, Westminster, Harrow, or Eton, where the tutor writes his thesis, + translates the classics, and makes verses for him, as well as he is able. + In the new situation, the scholar picks up more of the frailties of the + living, than he does of the instructions of departed characters. The + family connections and the power of purse, with which the students are + aided, embolden them to assume an unbounded license, and to set at + complete defiance all sober rules and regulations; and it may be justly + remarked that our public seminaries are admirably situated for the + indulgence of their propensities: for instance, Westminster School is + fortunately situated in the immediate neighbourhood of a famous place of + instruction called Tothill (vulgarly Tuttle) Fields, where every species + of refined lewdness and debauchery, and manners the most depraved, are + constantly exhibited; consequently they enjoy the great advantages of + learning the slang language, and of hearing prime chaunts, rum glees, and + kiddy catches, in the purest and most bang up style. He has likewise a + fine opportunity of contracting an unalterable penchant for the frail + sisterhood, blue ruin, milling, cock fighting, bull and badger baiting, + donkey racing, drinking, swearing, swaggering, and other refined + amusements, so necessary to form the character of an accomplished + gentleman." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[338]</span> "Again, Harrow School is happily so + near to the metropolis, as to afford frequent opportunities for occasional + visits to similar scenes of contagion and fashionable dissipation, that + the scholars do not fail to seek advantages of taking lessons in all those + delectable sciences. + </p> + <p> + "Eton, it is true, is somewhat farther removed from the nursery of + improvement, but it is near enough to Windsor, of which place it is not + necessary to say much, for their Bacchanalian and Cyprian orgies, and + other fashionable festivities, are well known. So that notwithstanding + they are not in the immediate vicinity of the metropolis, there can + scarcely be a doubt of their being able to sport their figures to + advantage, whenever they are let loose upon society. + </p> + <p> + "Cambridge is but a short distance from that place of sporting notoriety, + Newmarket, consequently it is next to impossible but that a youth of an + aspiring mind should be up to all the manouvres of a race course—understanding + betting, hedging off, crossing and jostling, sweating and training—know + all the jockeys—how to give or take the odds—lay it on thick, + and come it strong. Some have an unconquerable ambition to distinguish + themselves as a whip, sport their tits in tip top style, and become + proficients in buckish and sporting slang—to pitch it rum, and + astonish the natives—up to the gab of the cad. They take upon + themselves the dress and manners of the Varment Club, yet noted for the + appearance of their prads, and the dexterity with which they can manage + the ribbons, and, like Goldfinch, pride themselves on driving the long + coaches—'mount the box, tip coachee a crown, dash along at full + speed, rattle down the gateway, take care of your heads—never kill'd + but one woman and a child in all my life—that's your sort.'" + </p> + <p> + "Fine pictures of a University Education," said Tom, "but Sparkle always + was a good delineator of real character; and there is one thing to be + said, he has been an eye witness of the facts, nay a partaker of the + sports." + </p> + <p> + "True," continued Sparkle, "and, like many others, have had something like + enjoyment in them too." + </p> + <p> + "Aye, aye, no doubt of that," said Bob, dryly,—"but how does it + happen that you have omitted Oxford altogether?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[339]</span> "Nay," said Sparkle, "there is not much + difference in any of them. The students hate all learning but that which + they acquire in the brothel, the ring, or the stable. + </p> + <p> + They spend their terms somehow or other in or near the University, and + their vacations at Jackson's Rooms in London; so that they know nothing + more of mathematics than sufficient to calculate odds and chances. This, + however, depends upon the wealth of the parties; for notwithstanding there + are some excellent statutes by which they ought to be guided, a nobleman + or wealthy commoner is indulged according to his titles or riches, without + any regard to the rules and regulations in such cases made and provided. + </p> + <p> + "From this situation they are at length let loose, thoroughly accomplished + in every thing but what they ought to know. Some make their appearance as + exquisites or dandies—a sort of indescribable being, if being such + things may be called. Others take the example of the bang ups—make + themselves perfect in milling, swearing, greeking, talking flash, and mail + coach driving, until John Doe and Richard Roe drive them into Abbot's + preserve, a circumstance which puts a temporary check upon the sports—though + if the Collegian is but up to the logic, he is very soon down upon the + coves his creditors,{1} bowls them out by harassing expenses, and walks + out himself, up to snuff, and fly." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Bowls them out by harassing expenses.—A proof of the + power which has been exercised under the existing Insolvent + Debtor's Act, will be found in the following extract from a + daily paper:— + + An unfortunate debtor was opposed in the Insolvent Debtors' + Court, for having resisted particular creditors with + vexatious law proceedings, sham pleas, &c. The public is not + generally aware of the extent to which such vexatious + resistance can be carried. In the investigations that have + taken place before a Committee of the House of Commons, on + the subject of insolvent debtors, Mr. Thomas Clarke, (at the + time clerk of the Court,) stated, that in a debtor's book he + found a paper, 'wherein it was pointed out to debtors how to + harass creditors.' He had heard, he said, that it was sold + from one prisoner to another, in a printed form, for 6d. + each. That witness then delivered to the committee a book, + from which the following extract was read,—it is extracted + from the Parliamentary Report:— + + 'Law proceedings.—When arrested and held to bail, and after + being served with a declaration, you may plead a general + issue, which brings you to trial the sooner of any plea that + you can put in; but if you want to vex your plaintiff, put + in a special plea; and, if in custody, get your attorney to + plead in your name, which will cost you 1L. 1s., your + plaintiff, 31L. as expenses. If you do not mean to try the + cause, you have no occasion to do so until your plaintiff + gets judgment against you; he must, in the term after you + put in a special plea, send what is termed the paper book, + which you must return with 7s. 6d. otherwise you will not + put him to half the expenses. When he proceeds, and has + received a final judgment against you, get your attorney to + search the office appointed for that purpose in the Temple, + and when he finds that judgment is actually signed, he must + give notice to the plaintiff's attorney to attend the master + to tax his costs, at which time your attorney must have a + writ of error ready, and give it to the plaintiffs attorney + before the master, which puts him to a very great expense, + as he will have the same charges to go over again. The writ + of error will cost you 4L. 4s. If you want to be further + troublesome to your plaintiffs, make your writ of error + returnable in Parliament, which costs you 8L. 8s. and your + plaintiff 100/. Should he have the courage to follow you + through all your proceedings, then file a bill in the + Exchequer, which will cost about 5L. or 6L.; and if he + answers it, it will cost him 80L. more. After this you may + file a bill in Chancery, which will cost about 10L.; and if + he does not answer this bill, you will get an injunction, + and at the same time an attachment from the court against + him, and may take his body for contempt of court, in not + answering your last bill. You may file your bill in the + Court of Chancery, instead of the Exchequer, only the latter + costs you the least. If you are at any time served with a + copy of a writ, take no further notice of it than by keeping + it; when you are declared against, do not fail to put in a + special plea immediately, and most likely you will hear no + more of the business, as your plaintiff will probably not + like to incur any further expense, after having been at so + much.' + + Thus a creditor may be put to an expense of three hundred + and fourteen pounds, by a debtor, for the small cost of 30L. + 10s. and all because the laws allowed him to sue for his + own; and if he and his attorney do not keep a sharp look + out, the creditor may get committed for 'contempt of court.' +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[341]</span> "I perceive," said Tom, "that your + imagination is flying away from your subject; though I admit the justice + of your remarks, as generally applicable to what is termed the higher + ranks of society, and that they are imitated or aped in succession to + those of the lower orders; but we appear to have imperceptibly got into a + long descriptive conversation, instead of pursuing our usual plan of + drawing inferences from actual observation. Let us forth and walk awhile." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," said Sparkle, "I see you wish to change the subject: + however, I doubt not there will be a time when you will think more + seriously, and act more usefully." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Upon my life you are growing sentimental." + "Never mind," said Bob, "keep your spirits up." + + "The world's a good thing, oh how sweet and delicious + The bliss and delight it contains; + Devil a pleasure but fortune crams into our dishes, + Except a few torments and pains. + + Then wine's a good thing, the dear drink's so inviting, + Where each toper each care sweetly drowns; + Where our friends we so cherish, so love and delight in, + Except when we're cracking their crowns." +</pre> + <p> + By the time Bob had concluded his verse, they were on the move, and taking + their direction through St. James's-street, turning the corner of which,—"there," + said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "that is the celebrated Lord Shampetre, of + whose name and character you have before heard." + </p> + <p> + "Indeed," said Bob. "Well, I must say, that if I met him in the street, I + should have supposed him to be an old clothesman." + </p> + <p> + "Hush," said Sparkle, "don't be too severe in your observations, for I + have been given to understand his Lordship has expressed his indignation + upon a former occasion at such a comparison; though I must acknowledge it + is not altogether an unjust one; and if exalted, I beg pardon, I mean + popular characters, will force themselves into public notice by their + follies, their vices or their eccentricities, they can have no right to + complain." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[342]</span> "And pray," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, + "where is one to be found who has made himself more conspicuous than the + one in question, and especially by a very recent occurrence. The + fashionable world is full of the subject of his amatory epistles to the + sister of a celebrated actress,{1} and her very 'commodious mother;' but I + dare say + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 To elucidate the subject here alluded to, we cannot do + better than give insertion to the following police report:— + + PERFIDY AND PROFLIGACY OF A PEER! + + Bow Street.—An application was lately made for a warrant to + apprehend Miss B., the sister of a celebrated actress, for + stealing some chimney ornaments and China cups and saucers. + The application was made by the mother of the accused, in + consequence of her having eloped, and with a view to reclaim + her before her ruin should be consummated. The warrant was + granted, and in a short time the fair delinquent was led in, + resting on the arm of a Mr. B., well known in the + fashionable circles. Mr. C. a solicitor, appeared with the + mother, and the property found by the officer; the mother + identified it, and stated, that she should be happy to + forego the charge, on her daughter consenting to return to + her home. The magistrate then called on the accused for her + defence, when she asserted that the articles were her own, + purchased with money given to her by her friends. In + corroboration, she called the servant, who spoke to a + conversation, in which Mrs. B. blamed her daughter for + spending her money so foolishly; and declared that the + things were always considered to belong to the daughter, and + were given up without the slightest objection when she + applied for them in the name of Miss B. This statement + produced a desultory conversation, which was terminated by + the solicitor remarking, that the principal object, the + return of Miss B., had been lost sight of. Mr. B. then said, + he had paid for the education and every charge of Miss B. + for the last two years. He challenged inquiry into his + conduct, which would be found to have arisen from the most + honourable feelings, when he should prove that Miss B. had + sought his protection from the persecution of Lord P., who + had been sanctioned in his dishonourable overtures by her + mother. When personal insult had been used, she fled to him; + he hired lodgings and a trusty servant for her. A number of + Lord P.'s letters were then read, which abounded in vicious + ideas, obscenities, and gross figures sketched with the pen. + Miss B., then in tears, stated, that she had been shut up + with Lord P. with her mother's knowledge, when indecent + attacks were made by him upon her on a sofa; and that her + mother urged her to become his mistress, saying she should + have an allowance of 500L. a-year. The mother strongly + denied these assertions, and, after the magistrate had + animadverted on the alleged disgraceful conduct of the + mother, if true, the affair was settled by Miss B. (only + 16,) being put under the care of a female friend, agreeable + to both parties, Mr. B. to pay all the expenses. + + Having thus given an account of the affair, as related in + most of the daily papers, we think it right to add the + following by way of elucidation. + + The young lady is Miss B—rt—l—zzi, daughter of a late + cele-brated engraver of that name, and younger sister of an + actress on the boards of Old Drury, who has obtained great + notoriety for a pretty face, a roving eye, a fine set of + teeth, a mellow voice, and an excessive penchant for + appearing before the public in breeches—Macheath and Don + Giovanni to wit. 'Mr. B.,' the gentleman under whose + protection she is living, or rather was living, is a + gentleman of large West India possessions, who some time ago + immortalized himself in a duel about a worthless woman, with + Lord C—If—d, in which duel he had the honour of sending + his lordship to his account with all his 'imperfections on + his head.' The third party, 'Lord P.,' is a nobleman, whose + chief points are a queer-shaped hat, long shirt sleeves, + exquisitely starched, very white gloves, a very low + cabriolet, and a Lord George Gordon-ish affectation of + beard. We do not know that he is distinguished for any thing + else. For the fourth party—the young lady's mamma, she is,— + what she is; a rather elderly personage, remarkably + commodious, very discreet, 'and all that sort of thing.' + We could not help admiring her commodiousness when she + accompanied Lord P. and her daughter to Drury-lane Theatre, + the last time the King was there. It was almost equal to his + Lordship's assiduity, and the young lady's <i>ennui</i>. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[343]</span> his Lordship is displeased with no part + of the eclat, except the quiz that his liberal offer of £500. would be + about £25. per annum, or 9s. 7d. a week—a cheap purchase of a young + lady's honour, and therefore a good bargain." + </p> + <p> + "I believe," continued Sparkle, "there is little about him, either as to + person or to character, which entitles him to occupy more of our time, + which may be better devoted to more agreeable and deserving subjects." + </p> + <p> + "Apropos," said Dashall, taking Sparkle at his word, "do you observe a + person on the other side of the way with a blue nose and a green coat, cut + in the true jockey style, so as to render it difficult to ascertain + whether he is a gentleman or a gentleman's groom? That is Mr. Spankalong, + who has a most unconquerable attachment to grooms, coachmen, and stable + assistants; whose language and manners it is one of the principal studies + of his life to imitate. He prides himself on being a good driver of four + in hand, and tickling the tits along the road in a mail carriage, is the + <i>ne plus ultra</i> of his ambition. He will take a journey of an hundred + miles out of town, merely to meet and drive up a mail coach, paying for + his own passage, and feeing the coachmen for their permission. Disguised + in a huge white coat, with innumerable capes and mother o'pearl buttons, + he seats himself on the box—Elbows square, wrists pliant—all + right—Hayait—away they go. He takes his glass of gin and + bitters on the <span class="pagenum">[344]</span> road—opens the + door for the passengers to get in—with 'now my masters—you + please;' and seems quite as much at home as Mr. Matthews at the Lyceum, + with 'all that sort of thing, and every thing in the world.' He is, + however, not singular in his taste, for many of our hereditary statesmen + are to be found among this class, save and except that he carries his + imitations to a farther extent than any person I ever knew; and it is a + fact, that he had one of his fore teeth punched out, in order to enable + the noble aspirant to give the true coachman's whistle, and to spit in a + Jehu-like manner, so as to project the saliva from his lips, clear of the + cattle and traces, into the hedge on the near side of the road." + </p> + <p> + "Accomplishments that are truly deserving the best considerations of a + noble mind," rejoined Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "And absolutely necessary to the finished gentleman of the present day, of + course," continued Sparkle; "and as I have not had a lounge in these + Corinthian regions for some little time, I am glad to be thus furnished + with a key to characters that may be new to me." + </p> + <p> + "There is one on the opposite side of the way not altogether new, as he + has made some noise in the world during his time—I mean the + gentleman whose features exhibit so much of the rouge—it is the + celebrated Sir George Skippington, formerly well known in Fop's Alley, and + at the Opera; not so much on account of his elegant person, lively wit, or + polished address, as for his gallantries, and an extraordinary affectation + of dress, approaching very nearly to the ridiculous, the chief part of his + reputation being derived from wearing a pea-green coat, and pink silk + stockings: he has, however, since that time become a dramatic writer, or + at least a manufacturer of pantomime and shew; and—ah, but see—speaking + of writers—here we have a Hook, from which is suspended a certain + scandalous Journal, well known for its dastardly attacks upon private + character, and whose nominal conductors are at this moment in durance + vile; but a certain affair in the fashionable way of defaulting, has + brought him down a peg or two. His ingenuity has been displayed on a + variety of occasions, and under varying circumstances. His theatrical + attempts have been successful, and at Harrow he was called the Green Man, + in consequence of his affected singularity of wearing a complete suit of + clothes of that colour. He appears to act at all times upon the favourite + recommendation of Young Rapid, 'keep moving;' for he is always in motion, + in consequence of which it is said, that Lord Byron wittily remarked, 'he + certainly was not the Green Man and Still.'"{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The Green Man and Still in the well known sign of a + pubic-house in Oxford Road. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[345]</span> "Why," cried Bob, "there seems to be as + little of still life about him just now, as there is about Hookey Walker. + But pray who is that dingy gentleman who passed us within the last minute, + and who appeared to be an object of attraction to some persons on the + opposite side—he appears to have been cut out for a tailor." + </p> + <p> + "That," replied Tom, "is a Baronet and cornuto, who married the handsome + daughter of a great Marquis. She, however, turned out a complete + termagant, who one day, in the heat of her rage, d———d + her rib for a sneaking puppy, dashed a cup of coffee in his face, and + immediately after flew for protection to a Noble Lord, who entertained a + penchant for her. This, however, proved to be a bad speculation on her + part; and having seriously reflected on the consequences of such conduct, + she made her appearance again at her husband's door a few nights + afterwards, and in the spirit of contrition sought forgiveness, under a + promise of never transgressing any more, little doubting but her claim to + admission would be allowed. Here, however, it seems she had reckoned + without her host,—for the Baronet differing in opinion, would not + listen to her proposition: her entreaties and promises were urged in vain, + and the deserted though still <i>cara sposa</i>, has kept the portals of + his door, as well as the avenues to his heart, completely closed to her + since." + </p> + <p> + At this moment they were interrupted by the approach of a gaily dressed + young man, who seizing Dashall by the hand, and giving him a hearty shake, + exclaimed,— + </p> + <p> + "Ha, my dear fellow, what Dashall, and as I live, Mr. Sparkle, you are + there too, are you: d———me, what's the scent—up to + any thing—going any where—or any thing to do—eh—d———me." + </p> + <p> + "Quite <i>ad libitum</i>," replied Dashall, "happy to see Gayfield well + and in prime twig,—allow me to introduce my Cousin, Robert Tallyho, + Esq." + </p> + <p> + "You do me proud, my dear fellow. Any thing new—can't live without + novelty—who's up, who's down—what's the wonder of the day—how + does the world wag—where is the haven of destination, and how do you + weather the point." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[346]</span> "Zounds," replied Tom, "you ask more + questions in a breath than we three can answer in an hour." + </p> + <p> + "Never mind—don't want you to answer; but at all events must have + something to say—hate idleness either in speech or action—hate + talking in the streets, can't bear staring at like a new monument or a + statue. Talking of statues—I have it—good thought, go see + Achilles, the ladies man—eh! what say you. D———me, + made of cannons and other combustibles—Waterloo to wit—Come + along, quite a bore to stand still—yea or nay, can't wait." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," said Sparkle, twitching Dashall by the arm, "it is + quite new since my departure from town; "and joining arms, they proceeded + towards the Park. + </p> + <p> + "Been out of town," continued Gayfield,—"thought so—lost you + all at once—glad you have not lost yourself. Any thing new in the + country—always inquire—can't live without novelty—go to + see every thing and every body, every where. Nothing new in the papers—Irish + distresses old, but very distressing for a time: how the devil can you + live in the country—can't imagine." + </p> + <p> + "And I apprehend," replied Sparkle, "it will be of little use to explain; + for a gentleman of so much information as yourself must know every thing." + </p> + <p> + "Good, but severe—never mind, I never trouble my head with other + people's thoughts—always think for myself, let others do as they + like. Hate inquisitive people, don't choose to satisfy all inquirers. + Never ask questions of any one, don't expect answers. Have you seen the + celebrated ventriloquist, Alexandre,—the Egyptian Tomb,—the———" + </p> + <p> + Sparkle could hold no longer: the vanity and egotism of this everlasting + prater, this rambler from subject to subject, without manner, method, or + even thought, was too much; and he could not resist the temptation to + laugh, in which he was joined by Tom and Bob. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[347]</span> "What is the matter," inquired + Gayfield, unconscious of being the cause of their risibility. "I see + nothing to laugh at, d———me, but I do love laughing, so + I'll enjoy a little with you at all events; "and immediately he became a + participator in their mirth, to the inexpressible delight of his + companions; "but," continued he, "I see nothing to laugh at, and it is + beneath the character of a philosopher to laugh at any thing." + </p> + <p> + "Never mind," said Dashall, "we are not of that description—and we + sometimes laugh at nothing, which I apprehend is the case in the present + instance." + </p> + <p> + "I perfectly agree with the observation," rejoined Sparkle; "it is a case + in point, and very well pointed too." + </p> + <p> + "Nothing could be better timed," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "What than a horse laugh in the public streets! D———d + vulgar really—-quite <i>outre</i>, as we say. No, no, you ought to + consider where you are, what company you are in, and never laugh without a + good motive—what is the use of laughing." + </p> + <p> + "A philosopher," said Tom Dashall, "need scarcely ask such a question. The + superiority of his mind ought to furnish a sufficient answer." + </p> + <p> + "Then I perceive you are not communicative, and I always like to be + informed; but never mind, here we shall have something to entertain us." + </p> + <p> + "And at least," said Sparkle, "that is better than nothing." + </p> + <p> + The observation, however, was lost upon the incorrigible fribble, who + produced his snuff-box, and took a pinch, with an air that discovered the + diamond ring upon his finger—pulled up his shirt collar—and at + the same time forced down his waistcoat; conceiving no doubt that by such + means he increased his consequence, which however was wholly lost upon his + companions. + </p> + <p> + "And this," said Sparkle, "is the so much talked of statue of Achilles—The + Wellington Trophy—it is placed in a very conspicuous situation, + however—and what says the pedestal— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + TO ARTHUR DUKE OF WELLINGTON, + AND HIS BRAVE COMPANIONS IN ARMS, + THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES, + CAST FROM CANNON + TAKEN IN THE VICTORIES OF + SALAMANCA, VITTORIA, TOULOUSE, AND WATERLOO + IS INSCRIBED + BY THEIR COUNTRYWOMEN. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[348]</span> "Beautiful," said Gayfield—"Elegant—superb." + "Bold," said Dashall, "but not very delicate." "A naked figure, truly," + continued Bob, "in a situation visited by the first circles of rank and + fashion, is not to be considered as one of the greatest proofs either of + modesty or propriety; but perhaps these ideas, as in many other instances, + are exploded, or they are differently understood to what they were + originally. A mantle might have been thought of by the ladies, if not the + artist." + </p> + <p> + "For my part," said Sparkle, "I see but little in it to admire." + </p> + <p> + During this conversation, Gayfield was dancing round the figure with his + quizzing glass in his hand, examining it at all points, and appearing to + be highly amused and delighted. + </p> + <p> + "It affords opportunities for a variety of observations," said Dashall, + "and, like many other things, may perhaps be a nine days wonder. The + public prints have been occupied upon the subject for a few days, and I + know of but one but what condemns it upon some ground or other."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 In all probability the following remarks will be + sufficient to make our readers acquainted with this so much + talked of statue:— + + Kensington Gardens and the Park.—From three to seven + o'clock on Sunday, the gardens were literally crowded to an + over-How with the <i>élite</i> of the fashionable world. The + infinite variety of shape and colour displayed in the female + costume, the loveliness and dignity of multitudes of the + fair wearers, and the serene brilliancy of the day, + altogether surpassed any thing we have hitherto witnessed + there. + + There was nothing on the drive in the Park except carriages + and horsemen, dashing along to the gardens; and as to the + 'Wellington promenade,' it was altogether neglected. Whether + it was that the 'naked majesty' of Achilles frightened the + people away, or whether the place and its accompaniments + were too garish for such weather, we know not, but certainly + it seemed to be avoided most cautiously; with the exception + of some two or three dozen Sunday-strollers, yawning upon + the Anglo-Greco-Pimlico-hightopoltical statue above + mentioned. It was curious enough to hear the remarks made by + some of these good folks upon this giant exotic—this Greek + prototype of British prowess. 'Well, I declare!' said a + blooming young Miss, as she endeavoured to scan its brawny + proportions, 'Well, I declare! did ever any body see the + like!'—'Come along, Martha, love,' rejoined her scarlet- + faced mamma; 'Come along, I say!—I wonder they pulled the + tarpoling off before the trowsers were ready.' 'What a + great green monster of a man it is,' exclaimed a meagre + elderly lady, with a strong northern accent, to a tall bony + red-whiskered man, who seemed to be her husband—'Do na ye + think 'twad a looked mair dedicate in a kilt?' 'Whist!' + replied the man; and, without uttering another syllable, he + turned upon his heel and dragged the wonder-ing matron away. + 'La, ma, is that the Dook O' Vellunton vat stand up there + in the sunshine?' 'Hold your tongue, Miss—little girls must + not ask questions about them sort of things.' 'Be th' + powers!' said one of three sturdy young fellows, as they + walked round till they got to sunward of it.' Be th' powers, + but he's a jewel of a fellow; ounly its not quite dacent to + be straddling up there without a shirt—is it Dennis?' + 'Gad's blood man!' replied Dennis, rather angrily, 'Gad's + blood man! dacency's quite out of the question in matters o' + this kind, ye see.' ''Faith, and what do they call it?' + asked the other. 'Is it—what do they call it?' re-joined + Dennis, who seemed to consider himself a bit of a wag—'Why + they mane to call it the Ladies' Fancy, to be sure!' and + away they all went, 'laughing like so many horses,' as the + German said, who had heard talk of a horse-laugh. Some of + the spectators compared the shield to a parasol without a + handle; others to a pot-lid; and one a sedate-looking old + woman, observing the tarpawling still covering the legs and + lower part of the thighs, remarked to her companion, that + she supposed they had been uncovering it by degrees, in + order to use the people to the sight gradually. In short, + poor Achilles evidently caused more surprise than + admiration, and no small portion of ridicule. But then this + was among the vulgar. No doubt the fashionable patronesses + of the thing may view it with other eyes. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[349]</span> On their return from the Park, our + party looked in at Tattersal's, where it proved to be settling day. + Dashall and his Cousin had previously made a trip to Ascot Races, to enjoy + a day's sport, and were so fortunate as to let in a knowing one for a + considerable sum, by taking the long odds against a favourite horse. They + therefore expected now to toutch the blunt, and thus realize the maxim of + the poet, by "uniting profit and delight in one." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0003" id="link4image-0003"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page349.jpg" alt="Page349 Ascot Races " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "Yonder," says Dashall, pointing out to his Cousin a very stout man, "is + H. R. H.; he is said to have been a considerable winner, both at the late, + as well as Epsom races; but the whole has since vanished at play, with + heavy additions, and the black legs are now enjoying a rich harvest. The + consequences have been, not only the sale of the fine estate of O—t—ds + by the hammer, but even the family plate and personal property have been + knocked down to the highest bidders, at Robbins's Rooms." + </p> + <p> + "I should have expected," replied Bob, "that so much fatal experience, + which is said to make even fools wise, would have taught a useful lesson, + and restrained this gambling propensity, however violent." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[350]</span> "Psha, man," continued his Cousin, "you + are a novice indeed to suppose any thing of the kind. No one uninitiated + in these mysteries, can form an idea of the inextricable labyrinth, or the + powerful spell which binds the votaries of play; and unfortunately this + fatal passion seems to pervade in an unusual degree our present nobility: + indeed it may be said there are comparatively but few of the great + families who are not either reduced to actual poverty, or approximating + towards it, in consequence of the inordinate indulgence of this vice." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE WELLINGTON TROPHY; or, LADIES' MAN{1} + + Air—'Oh, the Sight entrancing.' + Oh, the sight entrancing, + To see Achilles dancing,{2} + Without a shirt + Or Highland skirt,{3} + "Where ladies' eyes are glancing: + + 1 We are told that this gigantic statue is a most + astonishing work of art, cast from the celebrated statue of + Achilles, on the Quirinal Hill; and the inscription on it + informs us, that the erection of it was paid for by the + ladies of England, to commemorate the manly energy of the + Duke of Wellington and his brave companions in arms. To + call it, therefore, the 'Ladies' Man,' is merely out of + compliment to such as patronised the undertaking; and here + we wish it to be particularly understood that we do not + sanction the word naked as a correct term (although that + term is universally applied to it), inasmuch as this statue + is not naked, the modest artist having, at the suggestion of + these modest ladies, taken the precaution of giving Achilles + a covering, similar to that which Adam and Eve wore on their + expulsion from Eden. + + 2 The attitude of the statue is so questionable as to have + already raised many opposite hypotheses as to what it is + really intended to represent. Mr. Ex-Sheriff Parkins has, + with very laudable ingenuity and classical taste, + discovered that the figure is nothing more nor less than a + syce, or running groom; just such a one, the worthy ex- + sheriff adds, as used to accompany him in India, when + engaged in a hunting party, and who, when he grew tired, + used to lay hold of the ex-sheriff's horse's tail, in order + to keep up with his master. The author of the Travestie, + however, has hit upon another solution of the attitude, + still more novel, and equally probable, namely, that of + dancing, for which he expects to gain no inconsiderable + share of popularity. + + 3 Without a shirt or Highland skirt!—It is really + entertaining to see what a refinement of criticism has been + displayed upon the defects of this incomparable statue. Some + have abused the hero for being shirtless, and said it was an + abomination to think that a statue in a state of nudity + (much larger than life, too!) should be stuck up in Hyde + Park, where every lady's eye must glance, however repugnant + it might be to their ideas of modesty. But did not the + ladies themselves order and pay for the said statue? Is it + not an emblem of their own pure taste? Then, as for + putting on Achilles a kelt or short petticoat (called by the + poet a Highland skirt), oh, shocking I it is not only + unclassical, but it would have destroyed the effect of the + thing altogether. To be sure, it would not be the first time + that Achilles wore a petticoat, for, if we are rightly + informed, his mother, Thetis, disguised him in female + apparel, and hid him among the maidens at the court of + Lycomedes, iu order to prevent his going to the siege of + Troy; but that wicked wag, Ulysses, calling on the said + maidens to pay his respects, discovered Mister Achilles + among them, and made him join his regiment. + + Each widow's heart is throbbing, + Each married lady sobbing, + While little miss + Would fain a kiss + Be from Achilles robbing!' + Then, oh, the sight entrancing, + To see Achilles dancing, + Without a shirt + Or Highland skirt, + Where ladies' eyes are glancing. + + Oh, 'tis not helm or feather, + Or breeches made of leather, + That gave delight, + By day or night, + Or draw fair crowds together.{2} + Let those wear clothes who need e'm; + Adorn but max with freedom,{3} + Then, light or dark, + They'll range the Park, + And follow where you lead 'em. + For, oh, the sight's entrancing, + To see Achilles dancing, + Without a shirt + Or Highland skirt, + Where ladies' eyes are glancing. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 If we could only insert one hundredth part of what has + been said by widows, wives, and maids on this interesting + subject during the present week, we are quite sure our + readers would acquit us of having overcharged the picture, + or even faintly delineated it. + + 2 We certainly must differ with the author here: in our + humble opinion, helmets, feathers, leather breeches, &c. + have a wonderful effect in drawing crowds of the fair sex + together—at a grand review, for instance. + + 3 This line, it is hoped, will be understood literally. The + words are T. Moore's, and breathe the spirit of liberty—not + licentiousness. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[352]</span> Having succeeded in their object, + Dashall and his Cousin pursued their course homeward; and thus terminated + another day spent in the developement of Real Life in the British + Metropolis. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + But still the muse beseeches + If this epistle reaches + Achilles bold, + In winter cold, + That he would wear his breeches:{1} + For though in sultry weather, + He needs not cloth nor leather, + Yet frosts may mar + What's safe in war,{2] + And ruin all together. + + But still the sight's entrancing, + To see Achilles dancing + Without a shirt + Or Highland skirt, + Where ladies' eyes are glancing. + + 1 The last verse must be allowed to be truly considerate, + nay, kind—that the ladies will be equally kind and + considerate to poor Achilles as the poet is, must be the + wish of every one who has witnessed the perilous situation + in which he is placed. + + 2 Achilles was a great favourite with the ladies from his + very birth. He was a fine strapping boy; and his mother was + so proud of him, that she readily encountered the danger of + being drowned in the river Styx herself, that she might dip + her darling in it, and thereby render him invulnerable. + Accordingly, every part of the hero was safe, except his + heel by which his mother held him amidst the heat of + battle; and, like his renowned antitype, the immortal Duke + of Wellington, he was never wounded. But, at length, when + Achilles was in the Temple, treating about his marriage with + Philoxena, daughter of Priam, the brother of Hector let fly + an arrow at his vulnerable heel, and did his business in a + twinkling. +</pre> + <p> + We cannot quit this subject without paying a compliment to the virtues of + the Court. We understand there has not been one royal carriage seen in the + Park since the erection of the statue; and if report speaks true, the + Marchioness of C——-m's delicacy is so shocked, that she + intends to quit Hamilton Place, which is close by, as early as a more + modest site can be chosen! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0011" id="link42HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Lack a day! what a gay + What a wonderful great town! + In each street, thousands meet, + All parading up and down. + Crossing—jostling—strutting—running, + Hither—thither—going—coming; + Hurry—scurry—pushing—driving, + Ever something new contriving. + Oh! what a place, what a strange London Town, + On every side, both far and wide, we hear of its renown. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[353]</span> Escorting to the ever-varying promenade + of fashion, the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin Bob, whose long protracted + investigation of Life in London was now drawing to a close, proceeded this + morning to amuse themselves with another lounge in Bond-street: this + arcadia of dignified equality was thronged, the carriage-way with dashing + equipages, and the pave with exquisite pedestrians. Here was one rouged + and whiskered; there another in petticoats and stays, while his sister, + like an Amazon, shewed her nether garments half way to the knee. Then + "passed smiling by" a Corinthian bear, in an upper benjamin and a Jolliffe + shallow. A noted milliner shone in a richer pelisse than the Countess, + whom the day before she had cheated out of the lace which adorned it. The + gentleman with the day-rule, in new buckskins and boots, and mounted on a + thorough-bred horse, quizzed his retaining creditor, as he trotted along + with dusty shoes and coat; the "lady of easy virtue" stared her keeper's + wife and daughter out of countenance. The man milliner's shop-boy, <i>en + passant</i>, jogged the duke's elbow; and the dandy pickpocket lisped and + minced his words quite as well as my lord. + </p> + <p> + Tom pointed out some of the more dashing exhibitants; and Bob inquiring + the name of a fine woman, rather <i>en bon point</i>, with a French face, + who was mounted on a chesnut hunter, and whom he had never before seen in + the haunts <span class="pagenum">[354]</span> of fashion—"That + lady," said he, "goes by the name of <i>Speculator</i>; her real name is + Mademoiselle Leverd, of the Theatre Français at Paris: she arrived in this + country a month since, to "have an opportunity of displaying her superior + talents; though it is whispered that the object of her journey was not + altogether in the pursuit of her profession, but for the purpose of making + an important conquest." + </p> + <p> + "And who is that charming woman," continued Bob, "in the curricle next to + L———d F———?" + </p> + <p> + "That," returned Tom, "is Mrs. Orbery Hunter. The beautiful man next you, + is the "commercial dandy," or as Lord G——l styles him, Apollo; + and his Lordship is a veracious man, on which account R——— + calls G——— his lyre." + </p> + <p> + "Ah, do you see that dashing fellow in the Scotch cloak, attended by a lad + with his arm in a sling? That is the famous Sir W. M———,who + doubles his income by gambling speculations; and that's one of his decoys, + to entrap young country squires of fortune to dine with him, and be + fleeced. In return, he is to marry him (on condition of receiving £100. + for every thousand) to an heiress, the daughter of his country banker." + </p> + <p> + "Why, all the first whips in the female world are abroad to-day. There is + the flower of green Erin, Lady Foley. See with what style she fingers the + ribbans. Equally dexterous at the use of whip and tongue; woe to the wight + who incurs the lash of either. + </p> + <p> + "That reverend divine in the span new dennet and the Jolliffe shallow, who + squares his elbows so knowingly, as he rubs on his bit of blood, is Parson + A———. He is the proprietor of the temple of gaming + iniquity, at No. 6, Pall Mall. He is a natural son of Lord B———re, + by whom he was brought up, liberally educated, and presented with church + preferments of considerable value. He married, in early life, the + celebrated singer, Miss M—h—n, whom he abandoned, with his + infant family. This lady found a protector for herself and children in the + person of the Rev. Mr. P———s, and having since obtained + a divorce from her former husband, has been married to him. The parson + boasts of his numerous amours, and, a few years since, took the benefit of + the act. Before he ventured upon the splendid speculations at the Gothic + Hall, with F———r T———n, Mr. Charles S———, + and Lord D———, he used to frequent the most notorious g———g + houses, <span class="pagenum">[355]</span> occasionally picking up a half + crown as the pigeons were knocked down by the more wealthy players. But, + chousing his colleagues out of their shares, and getting the Gothic Hall + into his own hands, he has become the great man you see, and may truly be + called by the title of autocrat of all the Greeks. + </p> + <p> + "And who," inquired Bob, "is that gay careless young fellow in the + Stanhope, who sits so easy while his horse plunges?" + </p> + <p> + "That," replied Tom, "is the Hon. and Rev. Fitz S———, + with the best heart, best hand, and the best leg in Bond-street. He is + really one of the most fascinating men in polished society, and withal, + the best judge of a horse at Tattersalls, of a dennet at Long Acre, or a + segar in Maiden Lane." + </p> + <p> + "You need not tell me who that is on the roan horse, with red whiskers and + florid complexion. (The Earl of Y———, of course). Madame + B. tells a curious story of him and a filly belonging to Prince Paul. His + Lordship had a great desire to ride the said filly, and sent Madam B. to + know the terms. 'Well!' said his Lordship, when she returned—'Fifty + pounds,' she replied.—'Hem!' said his lordship, 'I will wait till + next year, and can have her for five-and-twenty.'" + </p> + <p> + "By this hand, another female equestrian <i>de figure</i>.' That tall + young woman on the chesnut, is Lady Jane P———, sister of + Lord U———. They say, that she has manifested certain + pawnbroking inclinations, and has shewn a partiality in partnership at + Almack's, to the golden balls. "That fine young woman, leaning out of the + carriage window, whose glossy ringlets are of the true golden colour, so + much admired by the dandies of old Rome, is his Lordship's wife. He's not + with her. But you know he shot Honey at Cumberland Gate, when he was two + hundred miles off, and therefore he may be in the carriage, though he's + away. + </p> + <p> + "The person in the shabby brown coat is the Duke of Argyle. The pair of + horses that draw his carriage is the only job that Argyle ever + condescended to engage in." + </p> + <p> + "And who is that fat ruddy gentleman, in the plain green coat, and the + groom in grey?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[356]</span> "What, you're not up to the change of + colour? That's our old friend the Duke again, and the grey livery augurs, + (if I mistake not), a visit to Berkeley square. His R——— + H——— must take good care, or that bit of blood will be + seized while standing at the door of the Circe, as his carriage was the + other day, by the unceremonious nabman. But that's nothing to what used to + occur to the Marquis of W———. They say, that if he + deposited a broach, a ring, or a watch upon his table, a hand and arm, + like that of a genius in a fairy tale, was seen to introduce itself <i>bon-gre, + mal-gre</i>, through the casement, and instantly they became 'scarce.'" + </p> + <p> + "But I have heard," said Bob, "of a fashionable nabman asking the Duke the + time, and politely claiming the watch as soon as it was visible." + </p> + <p> + The most prominent characters of the lounge had now disappeared, and Tom + and Bob pursuing their course, found themselves in a few minutes in Covent + Garden, from whence, nothing occurring of notice, they directed their + steps towards Bow-street, with the view of deriving amusement from the + proceedings of justice in the principal office on the establishment of the + metropolitan police, and in this anticipation they were not + disappointed.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 More Life in St. Giles's.—Mr. Daniel Sullivan, of + Tottenham Court Road, green-grocer, fruiterer, coal and + potatoe merchant, salt lish and Irish pork-monger, was + brought before the magistrate on a peace-warrant, issued at + the suit of his wife, Mrs. Mary Sullivan. Mrs. Sullivan is + an Englishwoman, who married Mr. Sullivan for love, and has + been "blessed with many children by him." But + notwithstanding she appeared before the magistrate with her + face all scratched and bruised, from the eyes downward to + the tip of her chin; all which scratches and bruises, she + said, were the handy-work of her husband. + + The unfortunate Mary, it appeared, married Mr. Sullivau + about seven years ago; at which time he was as polite a + young Irishman as ever handled a potatoe on this side the + Channel; he had every thing snug and comfortable about him, + and his purse and his person, taken together, were + "ondeniable." She herself was a young woman genteely brought + up—abounding in friends and acquaintance, and silk gowns, + with three good bonnets always in use, and black velvet + shoes to correspond. Welcome wherever she went, whether to + dinner, tea, or supper, and made much of by every body. St. + Giles' bells rang merrily at their wedding—a fine fat leg + of mutton and capers, plenty of pickled salmon, three ample + dishes of salt fish and potatoes, with pies, pudding and + porter of the best, were set forth for the bridal supper; + all the most "considerablest" families in Dyott Street and + Church Lane, were invited, and every thing promised a world + of happiness—and for five long years they were happy. She + loved, as Lord Byron would say, "she loved and was beloved; + she adored and she was worshipped;" but Mr. Sullivau was too + much like the hero of the Lordship's tale—his affections + could not "hold the bent," and the sixth year had scarcely + commenced, when poor Mary discovered that she had "outlived + his liking." From that time to the present he had treated + her continually with the greatest cruelty; and, at last, + when by this means he had reduced her from a comely young + person to a mere handful of a poor creature, he beat her, + and turned her out of doors. + + This was Mrs. Sullivan's story; and she told it with such + pathos, that all who heard it pitied her, except her + husband. + + It was now Mr. Sullivan's turn to speak. Whilst his wife was + speaking, he had stood with his back towards her, his arms + folded across his breast to keep down his choler; biting his + lips and staring at the blank wall; but the moment she had + ceased, he abruptly turned round, and, curiously enough, + asked the magistrate whether Mistress Sullivau had done + spaking. + + "She has," replied his worship; "but suppose you ask her + whether she has any thing more to say." + + "I shall, Sir!" exclaimed the angry Mr. Sullivan. "Mistress + Sullivan, had you any more of it to say '!" + + Mrs. Sullivan raised her eyes to the ceiling, clasped her + hands together, and was silent. + + "Very well, then," he continued, "will I get lave to spake, + your Honour?" + + His Honour nodded permission, and Mr. Sullivan immediately + began a defence, to which it is impossible to do justice; so + exuberantly did he suit the action to the word, and the + word to the action. "Och! your Honour, there is something + the matter with me!" he began; at the same time putting two + of his fingers perpendicularly over his forehead, to + intimate that Mrs. Sullivan played him false. He then went + into a long story about a "Misther Burke," who lodged in his + house, and had taken the liberty of assisting him in his + conjugal duties, "without any lave from him at all at all." + It was one night in partickler, he said, that he went to bed + betimes in the little back parlour, quite entirely sick with + the head-ache. Misther Burke was out from home, and when the + shop was shut up, Mrs. Sullivan went out too; but he didn't + much care for that, ounly he thought she might as well have + staid at home, and so he couldn't go to sleep for thinking + of it. "Well, at one o'clock in the morning," he continued, + lower-ing his voice into a sort of loud whisper; "at one + o'clock in the morn-ing Misther Burke lets himself in with + the key that he had, and goes up to bed—and I thought + nothing at all; but presently I hears something come tap, + tap, tap, at the street door. The minute after comes down + Misther Burke, and opens the door, and sure it was Mary— + Mistress Sullivan that is, more's the pity—and devil a bit + she came to see after me at all in the little back parlour, + but up stairs she goes after Misther Burke. Och! says 1, but + there's some-thing the matter with me this night! and I got + up with the night-cap o' th' head of me, and went into the + shop to see for a knife, but I couldn't get one by no manes. + So I creeps up stairs, step by step, step by step," (here + Mr. Sullivan walked on tiptoe all across the office, to show + the magistrate how quietly he went up the stairs), "and when + I gets to the top I sees 'em, by the gash (gas) coming + through the chink in the window curtains; I sees 'em, and + 'Och, Mistress Sullivan!' says he: and 'Och, Misther Burke,' + says she:—and och! botheration, says I to myself, and what + shall I do now?" We cannot follow Mr. Sullivan any farther + in the detail of his melancholy affair; it is sufficient + that he saw enough to convince him that he was dishonoured: + that, by some accident or other, he disturbed the guilty + pair, whereupon Mrs. Sullivan crept under Mr. Burke's bed, + to hide herself; that Mr. Sullivan rushed into the room, and + dragged her from under the bed, by her "wicked leg;" and + that he felt about the round table in the corner, where Mr. + Burke kept his bread and cheese, in the hope of finding a + knife. + + "And what would you have done with it, if you had found it?" + asked his worship. + + "Is it what I would have done with it, your honour asks?" + exclaimed Mr. Sullivan, almost choked with rage—"Is it what + I would have done with it?—ounly that I'd have digged it + into the heart of 'em at the same time!" As he said this, he + threw himself into an attitude of wild desperation, and made + a tremendous lunge, as if in the very act of slaughter. + + To make short of a long story, he did not find the knife; + Mr. Burke barricadoed himself in his room, and Mr. Sullivan + turned his wife out of doors. + + The magistrate ordered him to find bail to keep the peace + towards his wife and all the King's subjects, and told him, + that if his wife was indeed what he had represented her to + be, he must seek some less violent mode of separation than + the knife. + + There not being any other case of interest, Tom and Bob left + the office, not, however, without a feeling of commiseration + for Mr. Sullivan, whose frail rib and her companion in + iniquity, now that the tables were turned against them by + the injured husband's "plain unvarnished tale," experienced + a due share of reprobation from the auditory. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[558]</span> Pursuing their course homeward through + St. James'-square: "Who have we here?" exclaimed Tom; "as I live, no other + than the lofty Honoria, an authoress, a wit and an eccentric; a + combination of qualities which frequently contribute to convey the + possessor to a garret, and thence to an hospital or poor house. It is not + uncommon to find attic salt in the first floor from heaven, but rather + difficult to find the occupier enabled to procure salt whereby to render + porridge palateable. The lady Honoria, who has just passed, resides in a + lodging in Mary-le-bone. She having mistaken stature for beauty, and + attitude for greatness, a tune on her lute for fascination, a few strange + opinions and out of the way sayings for genius, a masculine appearance for + attraction, and bulk for irresistibility, came on a cruise to London with + a view to call at C———House, where she conceived she + might be treated like a Princess. + </p> + <p> + "She fondly fancied that a certain dignified personage who relieved her + distress, could not but be captivated with the very description of her; in + consequence of which, she launched into expenses which she was but ill + able to bear, and now complains of designs formed against her and of all + sorts of fabulous nonsense. It must, however, be acknowledged, that an + extraordinary taste for fat, has been a great som-ce of inconvenience to + the illustrious character alluded to, for corpulent women have been in the + habit of daily throwing themselves in his way under some pretence or + other; and if he but looked at them, they have considered themselves as + favourites, and in the high road to riches and fame. + </p> + <p> + "It is well known that a certain French woman, with long flowing black + hair, who lived not an hundred miles from Pimlico, was one who fell into + this error. Her weight is about sixteen stone—and on that account + she sets herself down as this illustrious person's mistress; nay, because + he saw her once, she took expensive lodgings, ran deeply in debt, and now + abuses the great man because he has not provided for her in a princely + style, "<i>pour se beaux yeux</i>;" for it must be admitted, that she can + boast as fine a pair of black eyes as ever were seen. The circumstance of + this taste for materialism, is as unfortunate to the possessor, as a + convulsive nod of the head once was to a rich gentleman, who was never + without being engaged in some law suit or other, for lots knocked down to + him at auctions, owing to his incessant and involuntary noddings at these + places. The fat ladies wish the illustrious amateur to pay for peeping, + just as the crafty knights of the hammer endeavoured to make the rich + gentleman pay for his nodding at them." + </p> + <p> + "Fat, fair, and forty, then," said Sparkle, "does not appear to be + forgotten." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[360]</span> "No," was the reply, "nor is it likely: + the wits of London are seldom idle upon subjects of importance: take for + instance the following lines:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "When first I met thee, FAT and fair, + With forty charms about thee, + A widow brisk and <i>debonair</i>, + How could I live without thee. + + Thy rogueish eye I quickly spied, + It made me still the fonder, + I swore though false to all beside, + From thee I'd never wander. + + But old Fitzy now, + Thou'rt only fit to tease me, + And C—————M I vow, + Has learn't the art to please me." +</pre> + <p> + By this time they were passing Grosvenor gate, when the Hon. Tom Dashall + directed the attention of his Cousin to a person on the opposite side of + the street, pacing along with a stiff and formal air. + </p> + <p> + "That," said he, "is a new species of character, if it may properly be so + termed, of which I have never yet given you any account. Sir Edward + Knowell stands, however, at the head of a numerous and respectable class + of persons, who may be entitled Philosophic Coxcombs. He proceeds with + geometrical exactness in all his transactions. You can perceive finery of + dress is no mark of his character; on the contrary, he at all times wears + a plain coat; and as if in ridicule of the common fop, takes care to + decorate his menials in the most gorgeous liveries. + </p> + <p> + "The stiffness and formality of his appearance is partly occasioned by the + braces which he very judiciously purchased of Martin Van Butchell, and + partly by the pride of wealth and rank. + </p> + <p> + "There is a pensiveness in his aspect, which would induce any one to + imagine Sir Edward to be a man of feeling; but those who have depended + upon outward appearances alone, have found themselves miserably deceived; + for as hypocrisy assumes a look of sanctity, so your philosophic coxcomb's + apparent melancholy serves only as a mask to cover his stupidity. + </p> + <p> + "Sir Edward is amorously inclined; but he consults his reason, or pretends + to do so, and by that means renders his pleasures subservient to his + health. It cannot be denied he sometimes manifests contortions of aspect + not exactly in unison with happiness; but his feelings are ever selfish, + and his apparent pain is occasioned by the nausea of a debauch, or perhaps + by the pressure of a new pair of boots. If you are in distress, Sir Edward + hears your tale with the most stoical indifference, and he contemplates + your happiness with an equal degree of apathy—a sort of Epictetus, + who can witness the miseries of a brother without agony or sympathy, and + mark the elevation of a friend without one sentiment of congratulation: + wrapt up in self, he banishes all feeling for others. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[361]</span> "This philosopher has a great number of + imitators—perhaps not less than one thousand philosophic coxcombs + visit London annually; and if Sir Edward were to die, they might all with + great propriety lay claim to a participation in the property he might + leave behind him, as near relations to the family of the Knowells. These + gentlemen violate all the moral duties of life with impunity: they are + shameless, irreligious, and so insignificant, that they seem to consider + themselves born for no useful purpose whatever. Indeed they are such + perfect blanks in the creation, that were they transported to some other + place, the community would never miss them, except by the diminution of + follies and vices. Like poisonous plants, they merely vegetate, diffuse + their contagious effluvia around, then sink into corruption, and are + forgotten for ever." + </p> + <p> + "Whip me such fellows through the world," exclaimed Sparkle, "I have no + relish for them." + </p> + <p> + On calling in at Long's Hotel, they were informed that Sparkle's servant + had been in pursuit of his master, in consequence of letters having + arrived from the country; and as Dashall knew that he had two excellent + reasons why he should immediately acquaint himself with their contents, + the party immediately returned to Piccadilly. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0012" id="link42HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "——-Mark the change at very first vacation, + She's scarcely known to father or relation. + No longer now in vesture neat and tight, + Because forsooth she's learn'd to be polite. + But crop't—a bosom bare, her charms explode, + Her shape, the <i>tout ensemble a-la-mode</i>. + Why Bet, cries Pa, what's come to thee of late? + This school has turn'd thy brain as sure as fate. + What means these vulgar ways? I hate 'em wench, + You shan't, I tell thee, imitate the French; + Because great vokes adopt a foreign taste, + And wear their bosoms naked to the waist, + D'ye think you shall—No, no, I loathe such ways, + Mercy! great nokes shew all for nothing now adays." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[362]</span> The morning arose with smiles and + sunshine, which appeared almost to invite our party earlier than they + intended to the enjoyments of a plan which had occupied their attention on + the previous evening, when Sparkle proposed a ride, which being consented + to, the horses were prepared, and they were quickly on the road. + </p> + <p> + Passing through Somers Town, Sparkle remarked to his friend Dashall, that + he could not help thinking that the manners and information of the rising + generation ought to be greatly improved. + </p> + <p> + "And have you not had sufficient evidence of the fact?" was the reply. + </p> + <p> + "Why certainly," continued Sparkle, "if the increase of public schools + round the metropolis is in proportion to what has already met my eye + during our present short ride, there is sufficient evidence that education + is considered as it ought to be, of the first importance. Yet I question + whether we are so much more learned than our ancestors, as to require such + a vast increase of teachers. Nay, is not the market overstocked with these + heads of seminaries, similar to the republic of letters, which is + overwhelmed with authors, and clogged with bookmakers and books." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[363]</span> "This remark," replied Tom, "might + almost as well be made upon every trade and profession which is followed; + in the present day there are so many in each, that a livelihood can + scarcely be obtained, and a universal grumbling is the consequence." + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Bob, "I can with safety say there are but two trades or + callings that I have met with since my arrival in London, to which I have + discovered no rivalship." + </p> + <p> + This remark from Tallyho excited some surprise in the mind of his two + friends, who were anxious to know to what he alluded. + </p> + <p> + "I mean," continued he, "the doll's bedstead seller, who is frequently to + be heard in the street of London, bawling with a peculiarity of voice as + singular as the article he has for sale,—'Buy my doll's bedsteads;'—and + the other, a well known whistler, whom you must both have heard." + </p> + <p> + "Egad you are right," replied Sparkle; "and although I recollect them + both, I must confess the observation now made has never so forcibly struck + me before: it, however, proves you have not exhausted your time in town + without paying attention to the characters it contains, nor the + circumstances by which they obtain their livelihood; and although the + introduction is not exactly in point with the subject of previous remarks, + and ought not to cut the thread of our discourse, it has some reference, + and conveys to my mind a novel piece of information. But I was about to + consider what can be the causes for this extraordinary host of ladies of + all ages, classes and colours, from the Honourable Mistress———to + the Misses Stubbs, who have their establishment for the education of young + ladies in a superior style; and whether in consequence of this legion of + fair labourers in learning and science, our countrywomen (for I am + adverting particularly to the softer sex) are chaster, wiser, and better, + than their mammas and grand-mammas." + </p> + <p> + "A most interesting subject, truly," replied Tom, "and well worthy of + close investigation. Now for my part I apprehend that the increase of + tutors arises from many other causes than the more general diffusion of + knowledge." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[364]</span> "There can be no doubt of it," + continued Sparkle, "and some of those causes are odd enough—very + opposite to wisdom, and not more conducive to improvement; for amongst + them you will find pride, poverty, and idleness. + </p> + <p> + "For instance, you may discover that the proud partner of a shopkeeper in + the general line, or more plainly speaking, the proprietor of a chandler's + shop, is ambitious of having her daughter accomplished. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "E'en good Geoffrey Forge, a blacksmith by descent, + Who has his life 'midst bars and hammers spent, + Resolves his Bet shall learn to read and write, + And grace his table with a wit polite. + To make for father's sense a reparation— + The day arrives for fatal separation; + When Betsey quits her dad with tears of woe, + And goes to boarding-school—at Pimlico." +</pre> + <p> + "Well, the accomplishments sought are music, dancing, French, and + ornamental work; instead of learning the Bible, being brought up to + domestic utility, cooking, washing, plain work, and the arithmetic + necessary for keeping the accounts of her father's shop. What is the + consequence?—the change in her education quite unfits Miss for her + station in life; makes her look down on her unlettered Pa—and Ma—as + persons too ignorant for her to associate with; while she is looking up + with anxious expectation to marry a man of fortune (probably an officer); + and is not unfrequently taken unceremoniously without the consent of her + parents on a visit to the church.'' + </p> + <p> + "You are pushing the matter as close as you can, Charles," said Dashall; + "though I confess I think, nay I may say indeed I know some instances in + which such fatal consequences have been the result of the conduct to which + you allude." + </p> + <p> + "Well, then, suppose even that this superior style of education should not + have the effect of turning the poor girl's head, and that she really has + prudence and discretion enough to avoid the perils and snares of ambition; + Miss Celestina is at least unfitted for a tradesman's wife, and she must + either become a companion, or a governess, or a teacher at a school, or be + set up as the Minerva of an evening school—half educated herself, + and exposed in every situation for which she is conceived to be fitted, to + numerous temptations, betwixt the teachers of waltzes and quadrilles—the + one horse chaise dancing-masters—the lax-moraled foreign + music-master—or the dashing Pa—of her young pupils (perhaps a + Peer). Celibacy is not always so much an affair of choice as of + circumstances, and sad difficulties are consequently thrown in the way of + poor Miss So and So's path through life—all originating from pride." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[365]</span> "Well," said Bob, "since you have been + amusing us with this description, I have counted not less than eight + seminaries, establishments, and preparatory schools." + </p> + <p> + "I do not doubt it," continued Sparkle; "and some of them on the meanest + scale, notwithstanding the high sounding titles under which they are + introduced to public notice: others presided over by sister spinsters, not + unfrequently with Frenchified names; such, for instance, as 'Mesdames + Puerdon's Seminary,' the lady's real name being Martha (or, if you please, + Patty) Purton, and a deformed relative completing the Mesdames: the + 'Misses de la Porte,' (whom nature had made simple Porter), and no great + catch to obtain either: the 'Misses Cox's preparatory school for young + gentlemen of an early age,' all seem to bespeak the poverty, false pride, + and affectation of the owners. Notwithstanding the fine denominations + given to some of these learned institutions, such as 'Bellevue Seminary'—'Montpeliere + House'—'Bel Retiro Boarding School,' &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + "To such artifices as these are two classes of females compelled to + resort, namely, reduced gentlewomen and exalted tradesmen's daughters, who + disdain commerce, and hate the homely station which dame nature had + originally intended them to move in. Such ladies (either by birth or + adoption) prefer the twig to the distaff, the study to the shop, and + experience more pleasure in walking out airing with their pupils, taking + their station in the front, frequently gaudily and indiscreetly dressed, + than to be confined to the counter, or the domestic occupations of the + good old English housewife of former times. + </p> + <p> + "Such ladies are frequently to be met with on all the Greens and Commons, + from dirty Stepney or Bethnal, to the more sumptuous Clapham or Willisdon. + Some of them are so occupied with self, that the random-shot glances of + their pupils at the exquisites and the dandy militaires about town, do not + come within the range of their notice, while others are more vigilant, but + often heave a sigh at the thought that the gay and gallant Captain should + prefer the ruddy daughter of a cheese-monger, to the reduced sprigs of + gentility which they consider themselves. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[366]</span> "At all events, many of these + ladies,and worthy ones too, are placed, <i>par force</i> of poverty, in + this avocation, unsuited to their abilities, their hearts, their habits, + or their former expectations. The government of their young flock is + odious to them, and although they may go through the duties of their + situation with apparent patience, it is in fact a drudgery almost + insupportable; and the objects nearest the governess's heart—are the + arrival of the vacation, the entrance-money, the quarter's schooling, and + a lengthy list of items: the arrival of Black Monday, or a cessation of + holidays, brings depressed spirits, and she returns to her occupation, + deploring her unlucky stars which placed her in so laborious a situation—envies + her cousin Sarah, who has caught a minor in her net; nay even perhaps + would be happy to exchange circumstances with the thoughtless Miss + Skipwell, who has run away with her dancing-master, or ruined a young + clergyman, of a serious turn, by addressing love-letters to him, copied + from the most romantic novels, which have softened his heart into + matrimony, and made genteel beggars of the reverend mistress, himself, and + a numerous offspring." + </p> + <p> + "Very agreeable, indeed," cried Dashall. + </p> + <p> + "Perhaps not," said Tallyho, interrupting him, "to the parties described." + </p> + <p> + "You mistake me," was the reply; "I meant the combination of air and + exercise with the excellent descriptions of our friend Sparkle, who by the + way has not yet done with the subject." + </p> + <p> + "I am aware of it," continued Sparkle, "for there is one part which I + mentioned at the outset, which may with great propriety be added in the + way of elucidation—I mean Idleness: it is the third, and shall for + the present be the last subject of our consideration, and even this has + contributed its fair proportion of teachers to the world. Miss Mel ta way, + the daughter of a tallow-chandler, who ruined himself by dressing + extravagantly his wife, and over educating his dear Caroline Matilda, in + consequence of which he failed, and shortly afterwards left the world + altogether,—was brought up in the straw line; but this was no solid + trade, and could not be relied upon: however, she plays upon the harp and + the guitar. What advantages! yet she also failed in the straw-hat line, + and therefore Idleness prefers becoming an assistant teacher and music + mistress, to taking to any more laborious, even though more productive + mode of obtaining a livelihood. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[367]</span> "Then Miss Nugent has a few hundred + pounds, the remnant of Pa's gleanings (Pa having been the retired butler + of a Pigeoned Peer.) A retail bookseller sought her hand in marriage, but + she thought him quite a vulgar fellow. He had no taste for waltzing, at + which she was considered to excel—he blamed her indulgence in such + pleasures, and ventured to hint something about a pudding. Then again, he + can't speak French, and dresses in dittoes. Now all this is really + barbarous, and consequently Miss Nugent spurns the idea of such a + connection. + </p> + <p> + "Let us trace her still further. In a short time she is addressed by a + Captain Kirkpatrick Tyrconnel, who makes his approaches with a splendid + equipage. The romantic sound of the former, and the glare of the latter, + attract her attention. The title of Captain, however, is merely a <i>nom + de guerre</i>, for he is only an ensign on half-pay. Miss is delighted + with his attentions: he is a charming fellow, highly accomplished, for he + sings duets, waltzes admirably, plays the German flute, and interlards his + conversation with scraps of French and Spanish. Altogether he is truly + irresistible, and she is willing to lay her person and her few hundreds at + the feet of the conquerer. The day is appointed, and every preparation + made for the nuptial ceremony; when ah! who can foresee, + </p> + <p> + "The various turns of fate below." + </p> + <p> + An athletic Hibernian wife, formerly the widow of Dennis O'Drumball, steps + in between the young lady and the hymeneal altar, and claims the Captain + as her husband—she being the landlady of a country ale-house where + he had been quartered, whom he had married by way of discharging his bill. + The interposition is fortunate, because it saves the Captain from an + involuntary trip to Botany Bay, and Miss from an alliance of a bigamical + kind; though it has at the same time proved a severe disappointment to the + young lady. + </p> + <p> + "Crossed in love—wounded in the most tender part—she forswears + the hymeneal tie; and under such unfortunate circumstances she opens a + Seminary, to which she devotes the remainder of her life." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[368]</span> "Pray," said Bob, whose eyes were as + open as his ears, "did you notice that shining black board, with + preposterous large gold letters, announcing 'Miss Smallgood's + establishment for Young Ladies,' and close alongside of it another, + informing the passenger,—' That man-traps were placed in the + premises.'" + </p> + <p> + "I did," said Sparkle—"but I do not think that, though somewhat + curious, the most remarkable or strange association. Young ladies educated + on an improved plan, and man-traps advertised in order to create terror + and dismay! For connected with this method of announcing places of + education, is a recollection of receptacles of another nature." + </p> + <p> + "To what do you allude?" inquired Tallyho. "Why, in many instances, + private mad-houses are disguised as boarding schools, under the + designation of 'Establishment.' Many of these receptacles in the vicinity + of the metropolis, are rendered subservient to the very worst of purposes, + though originally intended for the safety of the individual, as well as + the security of the public against the commission of acts, which are too + frequently to be deplored as the effect of insanity. Of all the houses of + mourning, that to which poor unhappy mortals are sent under mental + derangement is decidedly the most gloomy. The idea strikes the imagination + with horror, which is considerably increased by a reflection on the + numerous human victims that are incarcerated within their walls, the + discipline they are subjected to, and the usual pecuniary success which + attends the keepers of such establishments,—where the continuance of + the patient is the chief source of interest, rather than the recovery. + That they are useful in some cases cannot be denied, but there are many + instances too well authenticated to be doubted, where persons desirous of + getting rid of aged and infirm relatives, particularly if they manifested + any little aberration of mind (as is common in advanced age), have + consigned them to these receptacles, from which, through the supposed + kindness of their friends, and the management of the proprietors, they + have never returned. If the parties ail nothing, they are soon driven to + insanity by ill usage, association with unfortunates confined like + themselves, vexation at the treatment, and absolute despair of escape; or + if partially or slightly afflicted, the lucid intervals are prevented, and + the disorder by these means is increased and confirmed by coercion, + irritation of mind, and despair." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[369]</span> "This is a deplorable picture of the + state of things, indeed," said Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "But it is unvarnished," was the reply; "the picture requires no imaginary + embellishment, since it has its foundation in truth. Then again, contrast + the situation of the confined with the confinera. The relatives have an + interest in the care of the person, and a control over the property, which + in cases of death frequently becomes their own. The keepers of these + receptacles have also an interest in keeping the relatives in a + disposition to forward all their views of retaining the patient, who, + under the representation of being seriously deranged, is not believed; + consequently all is delusion, but the advantages which ultimately fall to + the tender-hearted relative, or the more artful proprietor of the + mad-house; and it is wonderful what immense fortunes are made by the + latter; nay not only by the proprietors, but even the menials in their + employ, many of whom have been known to retire independent, a circumstance + which clearly proves, that by some means or other they must have possessed + themselves of the care of the property, as well as that of the persons of + their unfortunate victims." + </p> + <p> + "This is a dull subject," said Dashall, "though I confess that some + exposures which have been made fully justify your observations; but I am + not fond of looking at such gloomy pictures of Real Life." + </p> + <p> + "True," replied Sparkle; "but it connects itself with the object you have + had in view; and though I know there are many who possess souls of + sensibility, and who would shrink from the contemplation of so much + suffering humanity, it is still desirable they should know the effects + produced almost by inconceivable causes. I know people in general avoid + the contemplation, as well as fly from the abodes of misery, contenting + themselves by sending pecuniary assistance. But unfortunately there are a + number of things that wear a similarity of appearance, yet are so unlike + in essence and reality, that they are frequently mistaken by the credulous + and unwary, who become dupes, merely because they are not eye witnesses of + the facts. But if the subject is dull, let us push forward, take a gallop + over Hampstead Heath, and return." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[370]</span> "With all my heart," cried Dashall, + giving a spur to his horse, and away they went. + </p> + <p> + The day was delightfully fine; the appearance of the country banished all + gloomy thoughts from their minds; and after a most agreeable ride, they + returned to Piccadilly, where finding dinner ready, they spent the + remainder of the evening in the utmost hilarity, and the mutual + interchange of amusing and interesting conversation, principally relative + to Sparkle's friends in the country, and their arrangements for the + remainder of their time during their stay in the metropolis. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0013" id="link42HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "E'en mighty monarchs may at times unbend, + And sink the dull superior in the friend. + The jaded scholar his lov'd closet quits, + To chat with folks below, and save his wits: + Peeps at the world awhile, with curious look. + Then flies again with pleasure to his book. + The tradesman hastes away from Care's rude gripe, + To meet the neighbouring club and smoke his pipe. + All this is well, in decent bounds restrained, + No health is injured, and no mind is pain'd. + But constant travels in the paths of joy, + Yield no delights but what in time must cloy; + Though novelty spread all its charms to view, + And men with eagerness those charms pursue; + One truth is clear, that by too frequent use, + They early death or mis'ry may produce." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[371]</span> THE post of the following morning + brought information for Dashall and his friends, and no time was lost in + breaking open the seals of letters which excited the most pleasing + anticipations. A dead silence prevailed for a few minutes, when, rising + almost simultaneously, expressions of satisfaction and delight were + interchanged at the intelligence received. + </p> + <p> + Merry well's success had proved more than commensurate with his most + sanguine expectations. He had arrived at the residence of his dying + relative, just time enough to witness his departure from this sublunary + sphere, and hear him with his expiring breath say,—"All is thine;" + and a letter to each of his former friends announced the pleasure and the + happiness he should experience by an early visit to his estate, declaring + his determination to settle in the country, and no more become a rambler + in the labyrinths of London. + </p> + <p> + This was a moment of unexpected, though hoped for gratification. Sparkle + applauded the plan he intended to pursue. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho confessed himself tired of this world of wonders, and appeared to + be actuated by a similar feeling: he conceived he had seen enough of the + Life of a Rover, and seemed to sigh for his native plains again. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[372]</span> Dashall's relish for novelty in London + was almost subdued; and after comparing notes together for a short time, + it was mutually agreed that they would dine quietly at home, and digest a + plan for future proceedings. + </p> + <p> + "Never," said Tom, "did I feel so strong an inclination to forego the + fascinating charms of a London Life as at the present moment; and whether + I renounce it altogether or not, we will certainly pay a congratulatory + visit to Merry well." + </p> + <p> + "Example," said Sparkle, endeavouring to encourage the feeling with which + his friend's last sentiment was expressed, "is at all times better than + precept; and retirement to domestic felicity is preferable to revelry in + splendid scenes of dissipation, which generally leads to premature + dissolution." + </p> + <p> + "Agreed," said Tom; "and happy is the man who, like yourself, has more + than self to think for.—Blest with a lovely and amiable wife, and an + ample fortune, no man upon earth can have a better chance of gliding down + the stream of life, surrounded by all the enjoyments it can afford—while + I———" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, what a lost mutton am I!" + </p> + <p> + Sparkle could scarcely forbear laughing at his friend, though he was + unable to discover whether he was speaking seriously or ironically; he + therefore determined to rally him a little. + </p> + <p> + "How," said he, "why you are growing serious and sentimental all at once: + what can be the cause of this change of opinion so suddenly?" + </p> + <p> + "My views of life," replied Dashall, "have been sufficient to convince me + that a Like in London is the high road to Death. I have, however, tried + its vagaries in all companies, in all quarters; and, as the Song says, + </p> + <p> + "Having sown my wild oats in my youthful days, I wish to live happily now + they are done." + </p> + <p> + By this time Sparkle was convinced that Dashall was speaking the real + sentiments of his mind, and congratulated him upon them. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[373]</span> Tallyho expressed himself highly + delighted with the information he had acquired during his stay in London, + but could not help at the same time acknowledging, that he had no wish to + continue in the same course much longer: it was therefore agreed, that on + that day fortnight they would leave the metropolis for the residence of + Merrywell, and trust the future guidance of their pursuits to chance. + </p> + <p> + "It would argue a want of loyalty," said Tom, "if we did not witness the + royal departure for Scotland before we quit town; and as that is to take + place on Saturday next, we will attend the embarkation of his Majesty at + Greenwich, and then turn our thoughts towards a country life." + </p> + <p> + Sparkle was evidently gratified by this determination, though he could + hardly persuade himself it was likely to be of long duration; and Bob + inwardly rejoiced at the expression of sentiments in exact accordance with + his own. At a moment when they were all absorbed in thoughts of the + future, they were suddenly drawn to the present by a man passing the + window, bawling aloud—"Buy a Prap—Buy a Prap." + </p> + <p> + "What does the fellow mean?" interrupted Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Mean," said Dashall, "nothing more than to sell his clothes props." + </p> + <p> + "Props," replied Bob, "but he cries praps; I suppose that is a new style + adopted in London." + </p> + <p> + "Not at all," continued Sparkle; "the alteration of sound only arises from + an habitual carelessness, with which many of what are termed the London + Cries are given; a sort of tone or jargon which is acquired by continually + calling the same thing—and in which you will find he is not + singular. The venders of milk, for instance, seldom call the article they + carry for sale, as it is generally sounded <i>mieu</i>, or <i>mieu below</i>, + though some have recently adopted the practice of crying <i>mieu above</i>. + The sort of sing-song style which the wandering vendera of different goods + get into as it were by nature, is frequently so unintelligible, that even + an old inhabitant of the town and its environs can scarcely ascertain by + the ear what is meant; and which I apprehend arises more from the sameness + of subject than from any premeditated intention of the parties so calling. + Other instances may be given:—the chimney-sweeper, you will find, + instead of <span class="pagenum">[374]</span> bawling sweep, frequently + contracts it to we-ep or e-ep; the former not altogether incompatible with + the situation of the shivering little being who crawls along the streets + under a load of soot, to the great annoyance of the well dressed + passengers; however, it has the effect of warning them of his approach. + The dustman, above curtailment, as if he felt his superiority over the + flue-faker, lengthens his sound to dust-ho, or dust-wo; besides, he is + dignified by carrying a bell in one hand, by which he almost stuns those + around him, and appears determined to kick up a dust, if he can do nothing + else. The cries of muffins in the streets it is difficult to understand, + as they are in the habit of ringing a tinkling bell, the sound of which + can scarcely be heard, and calling mapping ho; and I remember one man whom + I have frequently followed, from whom I could never make out more than + happy happy happy now. There is a man who frequently passes through the + Strand, wheeling a barrow before him, bawling as he moves along, in a deep + and sonorous voice, smoaking hot, piping hot, hot Chelsea Buns; and + another, in the vicinity of Covent Garden, who attracts considerable + notice by the cry of—Come buy my live shrimps and pierriwinkles—buy + my wink, wink, wink; these, however, are exceptions to those previously + mentioned, as they have good voices, and deliver themselves to some tune; + but to the former may be added the itinerant collector of old clothes, who + continually annoys you with—Clow; clow sale. The ingenious Ned + Shuter, the most luxuriant comedian of his time, frequently entertained + his audience on his benefit nights with admirable imitations of the Cries + of London, in which he introduced a remarkable little man who sold puffs, + and who, from the peculiar manner of his calling them, acquired the name + of Golly Molly Puff; by this singularity he became a noted character, and + at almost every period some such peculiar itinerant has become remarkable + in the streets of London. Some years back, a poor wretched being who dealt + in shreds and patches, used to walk about, inviting people by the + following lines— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Linen, woollen, and leather, + Bring 'em out altogether." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[375]</span> Another, a sleek-headed whimsical old + man, appeared, who was commonly called the Wooden Poet, from his carrying + wooden ware, which was slung in a basket round his neck, and who chaunted + a kind of song in doggerel rhyme, somewhat similar to the following— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Come, come, my worthy soul, + Will you buy a wooden bowl? + I am just come from the Borough, + Will you buy a pudding stirrer. + I hope I am not too soon, + For you to buy a wooden spoon. + I've come quick as I was able, + Thinking you might want a ladle, + And if I'm not too late, + Buy a trencher or wood plate. + Or if not it's no great matter, + So you take a wooden platter. + It may help us both to dinner, + If you'll buy a wooden skimmer. + Come, neighbours, don't be shy, for I deal just and fair, + Come, quickly come and buy, all sorts of wooden ware." +</pre> + <p> + "Very well, indeed, for a wooden poet," exclaimed Bois; "he certainly + deserved custom at all events: his rivals, Walter Scott or Lord Byron, + would have turned such a poetical effusion to some account—it would + have been dramatized—Murray, Longman, &c. would have been all in + a bustle, puffing, blowing, and advertising. We should have had piracies, + Chancery injunctions, and the d———1 to pay; but alas! it + makes all the difference whether a poet is fashionable and popular or + not."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 Lord Byron, in his preface to a recent publication, + complains that among other black arts resorted to, for the + purpose of injuring his fair fame, he has been accused of + receiving considerable sums for writing poetical puffs for + Warren's blacking. We can safely acquit his Lordship of this + charge, as well as of plagiarism from the poems he alludes + to; but it has led to a curious rencontre between the + blacking-laureat, and his patron the vender of the shin-ing + jet; and after considerable black-guardism between the + parties, the matter is likely to become the subject of legal + discussion among the gentlemen of the black robe. + + The poet, it appears, received half a crown for each + production, from the man of blacking, which the latter + considered not only a fair, but even liberal remuneration + for poetic talent; not overlook-ing, that while the + pecuniary reward would produce comfort, and add a polish to + personal appearance, the brilliance of the composition, + (both of poetry and blacking), would be fairly divided + between he authors of each; and that the fame of both would + be conjointly + + handed down to posterity, and shine for ever in the temple + of fame. + + Now it requires no uncommon sagacity to perceive, that but + for this unfortunate mistake of the public, the poet would + have remained satisfied, as far as pecuniary recompence + went, with the half-crown,—looking to futurity for that + more complete recompence, which poets ever consider far + beyond pudding or sensual gratification,—fame and + immortality; but, alas! + + "From causes quite obscure and unforeseen, What great events + to man may sometimes spring." + + Finding from Lord B.'s own statement, that the public had + duly appreciated the merit of these compositions, and had + attached so high a value, as even to mistake them for his + Lordship's productions, our bard was naturally led into a + train of reasoning, and logical deductions, as to what + advantage had, and what ought to have resulted to himself, + according to this estimate, by public opinion.—Lord B. and + his great northern contemporary, it appeared, received + thousands from the public for their poems, while half-crowns + (not to be despised, during certain cravings, but soon + dissipated by that insatiable and unceasing tormentor, the + stomach,) was all the benefit likely to accrue in this world + to the original proprietor: in a happy moment, a happy + thought flitted athwart the poet's mind; and like the china + seller in the Arabian Nights, he found himself rolling in + ideal wealth; and spurning with disdain the blacking + merchant, the blacking, and the half-crowns, he resolved on + a project by which to realize his fondest wishes of wealth, + happiness, and independence. + + The project was this: to collect together the fugitive + blacking sonnets, so as to form a volume, under the title of + Poems supposed to be written by Lord Byron, and offer the + copyright to Mr. Murray; and in case of his refusing a + liberal sum, (that is, some-thing approaching to what he + pays the Noble Bard per Vol.) to publish them on his (the + author's) own account, and depend on the public for that + support and encouragement which their favourable decision + had already rendered pretty certain. + + Now then comes 'the rub;' the blacking vender, hearing of + our poet's intention, files a bill in Chancery, praying for + an injunction to restrain the publication, and claiming an + exclusive right in the literary property: the poet, in + replication, denies having assigned or transferred the + copyright, and thus issue is joined. His Lord-ship, with his + usual extreme caution, where important rights are involved, + wished to give the matter mature consideration, and said, + "he would take the papers home, to peruse more attentively." + It will be recollected, that in the cause, respecting Lord + Byron's poem of Cain, his Lordship stated, that during the + vacation he had, by way of relaxation from business, perused + that work and Paradise Lost, in order to form a just + estimate of their comparative merits; and who knows but + during the present vacation, his Lordship may compare the + blacking sonnets with "Childe Harold," "Fare Thee Well," + &c.; and that on next seal day, the public may be benefited + by his opinion as to which is entitled to the claim of + superior excellence; and how far the public are justified in + attributing the former to the noble author of the latter. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[377]</span> "Then," continued Sparkle, "there was a + rustic usually mounted on a white hobby, with a basket on one arm, who + used to invade the northern purlieus of London, mumbling Holloway + Cheesecakes, which from his mode of utterance, sounded like 'Ho all my + teeth ake.'" + </p> + <p> + "Ha! ha! ha!" vociferated Tallyho, unable to restrain his risibility. + </p> + <p> + "Numerous other instances might be adduced," continued Sparkle: "among + many there was a noted Pigman, whose pigs were made of what is called + standing crust, three or four inches long, baked with currant sauce in the + belly, who used to cry, or rather sing,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'A long tail'd pig, or a short tail'd pig,' &c. +</pre> + <p> + There was another singular character, who used to be called Tiddy-doll, a + noted vender of gingerbread at Bartholomew, Southwark, and other fairs; + who to collect customers round his basket used to chaunt a song, in which + scarcely any thing was distinctly articulated but the cant expression + Tiddy-doll: he used to wear a high cocked hat and feather, with broad + scolloped gold lace on it; and last, though not least, was Sir Jeffery + Vunstan, of Garrat fame, who used to walk about the streets in a blue coat + with gold lace, his shirt bosom open, and without a hat, accompanied by + his daughter, Miss Nancy, crying ould wigs." + </p> + <p> + "Old wigs," reverberated Bob, "an extraordinary article of merchandize!" + </p> + <p> + "Not more extraordinary than true," replied Dashall; "but come, I suppose + we shall all feel inclined to write a few lines to the country, so let us + make the best of our time." + </p> + <p> + Upon this signal, each flew to the exercise of the quill, and indulged his + own vein of thought in writing to his friend; and the day closed upon them + without any further occurrence deserving of particular remark. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0014" id="link42HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Haste away to Scotland dear, + And leave your native home; + The Land of Cakes affords good cheer + And you've a mind to roam.— + Here splendid sights, and gala nights + Are all prepar'd for Thee; + While Lords and Knights,—('mid gay delights!) + + And Ladies bend the knee. + Haste away to Scotia's Land, + With kilt and Highland plaid; + And join the sportive, reeling band, + With ilka bonny lad.— + For night and day,—we'll trip away, + With cheerful dance, and glee; + Come o'er the spray,—without delay, + Each joy's prepared for Thee. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[378]</span> The morning arose with a smiling and + inviting aspect; and as it had been previously rumoured that his Majesty + would embark from Greenwich Hospital at half-past eight o'clock, on his + intended voyage to Scotland, our party had arranged every thing for their + departure at an early hour, and before seven o'clock had seated themselves + in a commodious and elegant barge moored off Westminster Bridge, + intending, if possible, to see the City Companies, headed by the Lord + Mayor and Court of Aldermen, start, as had been proposed, from the Tower. + They were shortly afterwards gliding on the surface of the watery element + towards the scene of action: by this time the numerous parties in pursuit + of the same object were on the alert; and from almost every part of the + shore as they passed along, gaily dressed company was embarking, while + merry peals of bells seemed to announce approaching delight. The steeples + on shore, and the vessels in the river, exhibited flags and streamers, + which gave an additional splendour to the scene. All was anxiety and + expectation; numerous barges and pleasure-boats, laden with elegant + company, were speeding the same way, and every moment increasing, so that + the whole view displayed a combination of beauty, fashion, and loyalty not + often surpassed. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[379]</span> On arriving off the Tower, it was soon + ascertained that the Lord Mayor and City Companies had got the start of + them, and consequently they proceeded on their journey, not doubting but + they should overtake them before reaching Greenwich; and in this + expectation they were not disappointed; for soon after passing Rotherhithe + Church, they came up with the City State Barge, which was towed by a steam + boat, accompanied by several other state barges, the whole filled with + company. The brightness of the morning, and the superb appearance of these + gaily manned, and it might be added gaily womaned gallies, (for a numerous + party of fashionably attired ladies added their embellishing presence to + the spectacle) formed altogether a picture of more than ordinary interest + and magnificence. + </p> + <p> + "This Royal Visit to Scotland," said Sparkle, "has for some time past been + a prevailing topic of discussion from one end of the Land of Cakes to the + other, and the preparations for his Majesty's reception are of the most + splendid description—triumphal arches are to be erected, new roads + to be made, banquets to be given, general illuminations to take place, + body guards of royal archers to be appointed, and the dull light of oil + lamps to be totally obscured by the full blaze of Royal Gas. Then there + are to be meetings of the civil and municipal authorities from every town + and county, presenting loyal and dutiful addresses; and it is expected + that there will be so much booing among the "Carle's when the King's + come," that the oilmen are said to be not a whit disconcerted at the + introduction of gas lights, the unctuous article being at present in great + demand, for the purpose of suppling the stiff joints of the would-be + courtiers, who have resolved to give a characteristic specimen of their + humble loyalty, and to oulboo all the hooings of the famed Sir Pertinax." + </p> + <p> + "However," observed Dashall, "it is not very likely they will be able to + equal the grace with which it is acknowledged the King can bow; and he is + to be accompanied by the accomplished Sir Billy, of City notoriety; so + that admirable examples are certain of being presented to the Scottish + gentry: reports state <span class="pagenum">[380]</span> that the worthy + Baronet, who is considered to be of great weight wherever he goes, is + determined to afford his Majesty, in this visit to Edinburgh, the benefit + of that preponderating loyalty which he last year threw into the scale of + the Dublin Corporation; and that he has recently purchased from a Highland + tailor in the Hay market, a complete suit of tartan, philebeg, &c. + with which he means to invest himself, as the appropriate costume, to meet + his royal master on his arrival at Edinburgh." + </p> + <p> + "In that case," said Sparkle, "there is one circumstance greatly to be + regretted, considering the gratification which our northern neighbours + might have derived, from ascertaining the precise number of cwts. of the + most weighty of London citizens. I remember reading a day or two back that + the weigh-house of the City of Edinburgh was disposed of by public roup, + and that a number of workmen were immediately employed to take it down, as + the whole must be cleared away by the 6th of August, under a penalty of + 50L.: what a pity, that in the annals of the weigh-house, the Scotch could + not have registered the actual weight of the greatest of London Aldermen." + </p> + <p> + Tom and Bob laughed heartily at their friend Sparkle's anticipations + respecting the worthy Baronet; while Bob dryly remarked, "he should think + Sir Willie would prove himself a honnie lad among the lasses O; and nae + doubt he would cut a braw figure in his Highland suit." + </p> + <p> + "But," continued Dashall, "we are indulging in visions of fancy, without + paying that attention to the scene around us which it deserves, and I + perceive we are approaching Greenwich Hospital. There is the royal yacht + ready prepared for the occasion; the shores are already crowded with + company, and the boats and barges are contending for eligible situations + to view the embarkation. There is the floating chapel; and a little + further on to the right is the Marine Society's School-ship, for the + education of young lads for his Majesty's service. The Hospital now + presents a grand and interesting appearance. What say you, suppose we land + at the Three Crowns, and make inquiry as to the likely time of his + Majesty's departure." + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart," replied Sparkle, "and we can then refresh, for I am + not exactly used to water excursions, and particularly so early in the + morning, consequently it has a good effect on the appetite." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[381]</span> By this time the City Barges had taken + positions in the front of the Hospital, and our party passed them to gain + the proposed place of inquiry: here, however, all was conjecture; the + people of Greenwich Hospital appeared to know as little of the time + appointed as those of the metropolis; and finding they had little chance + of accommodation in consequence of the great influx of company, they again + embarked, and shortly after attacked the produce of their locker, and with + an excellent tongue and a glass of Madeira, regaled themselves + sufficiently to wait the arrival. Time, however, hung heavily on their + hands, though they had a view of thousands much worse situated than + themselves, and could only contemplate the scene with astonishment, that + serious mischiefs did not accrue, from the immense congregated multitude + by which they were surrounded. + </p> + <p> + Anxiety and anticipation were almost exhausted, and had nearly given place + to despondency, when about three o'clock the extraordinary bustle on shore + announced the certainty of the expected event being about to take place; + and in about half an hour after, they were gratified by seeing his Majesty + descend the steps of the Hospital, attended by the noblemen, &c. under + a royal salute, and rowed to the vessel prepared to receive him. The royal + standard was immediately hoisted, and away sailed the King, amidst the + heartfelt congratulations and good wishes of his affectionate and loyal + people, the firing of cannon, the ringing of bells, and every other + demonstration of a lively interest in his safety and welfare: leaving many + to conjecture the feelings with which the heart must be impressed of a + person so honoured and attended, we shall select a few descriptive lines + from the pen of a literary gentleman, in his opinion the most likely to be + expressive of the sentiments entertained on the occasion. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ROYAL RECOLLECTIONS. + + As slow the yacht her northern track + Against the wind was cleaving; + Her noble Master oft look'd back, + To that dear spot 'twas leaving: + So loth to part from her he loves, + From those fair charms that bind him; + He turns his eye where'er he roves, + To her he's left behind him. + When, round the bowl, of other dears + He talks, with joyous seeming, + His smiles resemble vapourish tears, + So faint, so sad their beaming; + While memory brings him back again, + Each early tie that twin'd him, + How sweet's the cup that circles then, + To her he's left behind him. + + Ah! should our noble master meet + Some Highland lass enchanting, + With looks all buxom, wild, and sweet, + Yet love would still be wanting; + He'd think how great had been his bliss + If heav'n had but assign'd him, + To live and die so pure as this, + With her he's left behind him. + As travelers oft look back at eve, + When eastward darkly going, + To gaze upon that light they leave, + Still faint behind them glowing. + + So, ere he's been a month away, + At home we sure shall find him, + For he can never longer stay, + From her he's left behind him. +</pre> + <p> + The gay assemblage before them, and the ceremony of the embarkation, the + sound of music, and the shouts of the populace, and animated appearance of + the river, which by this time seemed all in motion, amply repaid our + friends for the time they had waited; and after watching the departure of + the Royal Squadron, they returned to town; and as they passed the London + Docks, it occurred to the mind of the Hon. Tom Dashall, that his Cousin + had not yet paid a visit to these highly interesting productions of human + genius; and it was agreed that a day should be devoted to their inspection + before his departure from the Metropolis. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0015" id="link42HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ——Where has Commerce such a mart, + So rich, so throng'd, so drained, and so supplied, + As London; opulent, enlarged, and still + Increasing London? Babylon of old + Not more the glory of the earth, than she; + A more accomplish'd world's chief glory now. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[383]</span> According to arrangements previously + made, our friends met in the morning with a determination to shape their + course eastward, in order to take a survey of the Commercial Docks for the + accommodation of shipping, and the furtherance of trade; and the carriage + being ordered, they were quickly on their way towards Blackwall. + </p> + <p> + "The Docks of the Port of London," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "are of the + highest importance in a commercial point of view, and are among the + prominent curiosities of British Commerce, as they greatly facilitate + trade, and afford additional security to the merchants." + </p> + <p> + "Yes," said Sparkle, "and it is to be presumed, no small profit to the + share-holders of the Companies by which they were established; but I + expect your Cousin will derive more gratification from a sight of the + places themselves, than from any description we can give, and the time to + explain will be when we arrive on the spot; for it is scarcely possible + for any one to conceive the immensity of buildings they contain, or the + regularity with which the business is carried on.—" How do ye do?" + (thrusting his head out of the window, and moving his hand with graceful + familiarity,)—"I have not seen Sir Frederick since my matrimonial + trip, and now he has passed by on horseback I really believe without + seeing me; Dashall, you remember Sir Frederick Forcewit?" + </p> + <p> + "Perfectly well," replied Tom; "but I was paying so much attention to you, + that I did not notice him. The liveliest fellow, except yourself, in the + whole round of my acquaintance." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[384]</span> "And you are one of the best I ever met + with to gain a point by a good turn; but take it, and make the most you + can of it—I may have an opportunity of paying you off in your own + coin." + </p> + <p> + Tallyho laughed heartily at the manner in which Sparkle had altogether + changed the conversation, but could not help remarking that Sir Frederick + had not given a specimen of his politeness, by avoiding a return of + Sparkle's salutation. + </p> + <p> + "And yet," continued Sparkle, "he is one of the most polished men I know, + notwithstanding I think his upper story is not a bit too well furnished: + he has a handsome fortune, and a pretty wife, who would indeed be a lovely + woman, but for an affectation of manners which she assumed upon coming to + the title of Lady Forcewit: their parties are of the most dashing order, + and all the rank and fashion of the metropolis visit their mansion." + </p> + <p> + Sparkle, who was in his usual humour for conversation and description, now + entertained his friends with the following account of a party with whom he + had spent an evening just previous to his departure from town. + </p> + <p> + "Mrs. Stepswift is the widow lady of a dancing-master, who having acquired + some little property previous to his decease, left his partner in + possession of his wealth and two daughters, though the provision for their + education and support was but scanty. The mother had the good luck a few + years after to add to her stock ten thousand pounds by a prize in the + lottery, a circumstance which afforded her additional opportunities of + indulging her passion for dress, which she did not fail to inculcate in + her daughters, who, though not handsome, were rather pleasing and + agreeable girls; and since the good fortune to which I have alluded, she + has usually given a ball by way of introduction to company, and with the + probable view, (as they are now marriageable), to secure them husbands. It + was on one of these occasions that I was invited, and as I knew but one of + the party, I had an excellent opportunity of making my uninterrupted + remarks." + </p> + <p> + "Then," said Dashall, "I'll wager my life you acted the part of an + observant quiz." + </p> + <p> + "And I should think you would be likely to win," observed Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[385]</span> "I am bound to consider myself + obliged," continued Sparkle, "for the bold construction you are kind + enough to put upon my character and conduct by your observations; but + never mind, I am not to be intimidated by the firing of a pop-gun, or a + flash in the pan, therefore I shall proceed. Upon my introduction I found + the widow playing a rubber with a punchy parson, a lean doctor, and a + half-pay officer in the Guards; and consequently taking a friend I knew by + the arm, I strolled through the rooms, which were spacious and well + furnished. In the ball-room I found numerous couples 'tripping it on the + light fantastic toe,' to the tune of 'I'll gang no more to yon town,' and + displaying a very considerable portion of grace and agility. In the other + room devoted to refreshments and cards, I met with several strollers like + myself, who being without partners, or not choosing to dance with such as + they could obtain, were lounging away their time near the centre of the + room. I was introduced to the two young ladies, who behaved with the + utmost politeness and attention, though I could easily perceive there was + a considerable portion of affectation mingled with their manners; and I + soon discovered that they operated as the load-stone of attraction to + several dandy-like beaux who were continually flocking around them. + </p> + <p> + '"My dear Miss Eliza,' said a pug-nosed dandy, whom I afterwards + understood to be a jeweller's shopman, 'may I be allowed the superlative + honor and happiness of attending you down the next dance?' The manner in + which this was spoken, with a drawling lisp, and the unmeaning attitude of + the speaker, which was any thing but natural, provoked my risibility + almost beyond forbearance; his bushy head, the fall of his cape, and the + awkward stick-out of his coat, which was buttoned tight round his waist; + the drop of his quizzing glass from his bosom, and the opera hat in his + hand, formed altogether as curious a figure as I ever recollect to have + seen; though my eyes were immediately directed to another almost as + grotesque, by the young lady herself, who informed the applicant that she + had engaged herself with Captain Scrambleton, and could not avail herself + of his intended honor; while the captain himself, with a mincing gait, + little compatible with the line of life to which it was to be presumed he + was attached, was advancing and eyeing the would-be rival with all the + apparent accuracy of a military scrutiny. The contrast of the two figures + is <span class="pagenum">[386]</span> inconceivable—the supplicating + beau on the one hand, half double, in the attitude of solicitation, and + the upright position of the exquisite militaire, casting a suspicious look + of self-importance on the other, were irresistible. I was obliged to turn + on one side to prevent discovering my impulse to laughter. The captain, I + have since learned, turned out to be a broken-down blackleg, seeking to + patch up a diminished fortune by a matrimonial alliance, in which he was + only foiled by a discovery just time enough to prevent his design upon + Miss Eliza." + </p> + <p> + "Mere butterflies," exclaimed Dashall, "that nutter for a time in sunshine + with golden wings, to entrap attention, while the rays fall upon them, and + then are seen no more! but I always like your descriptions, although you + are usually severe." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0004" id="link4image-0004"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page386.jpg" alt="Page386 at a Party " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "As soon as I could recover my solemnity, I found a little gentleman, who + reminded me strongly of cunning little Isaac in the Duenna, advancing + towards Miss Amelia with true dancing-master-like precision. I soon + discovered, by her holding up her fan at his approach, that she held him + in utter aversion, and found he received a reply very derogatory to his + wishes; when stepping up to her by the introduction of my friend, I + succeeded m obtaining her hand for the dance, to the great mortification + and discomfiture of Mr. O'Liltwell, who was no other than an Irish + dancing-master in miniature. There is always room enough for observation + and conjecture upon such occasions. There were, however, other characters + in the rooms more particularly deserving of notice. In one corner I found + Lord Anundrum, the ex-amateur director, m close conversation with Mr. + Splitlungs, a great tragedian, and Tom Little, the great poet, on the + subject of a new piece written by the latter, and presented for acceptance + to the former by. Mr. Splitlungs, the intermediate friend of both. I + discovered the title of this master-piece of dramatic literature to be no + other than 'The Methodical Madman, or Bedlam besieged.' A little further + on sat Dr. Staggerwit, who passes for a universal genius: he is a great + chemist, and a still greater gourmand, moreover a musician, has a hand in + the leading Reviews, a share m the most prominent of the daily papers; is + president of several learned institutions, over the threshold of which he + has never passed, and an honorary member of others which have long been + defunct: he appeared to be absorbed in contemplation, and taking but + little notice of the gaieties by which he was surrounded. My friend + informed me he was just then endeavouring to bring before Parliament his + <i>coup de maître</i>, which was a process for extracting a nourishing + diet for the poor from oyster shells." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[387]</span> "What the devil is the matter?" + exclaimed Dashall, thrusting his head out of the carriage window upon + hearing a sudden crash. + </p> + <p> + "Matter enough, your honour," bawled an athletic Irishman in the habit of + a sailor; "by the powers, here's Peg Pimpleface, the costermonger's great + grand-daughter, at sea without a rudder or compass, upset in a squall, and + run bump ashore; and may I be chained to the toplights if I think either + crew or cargo can be saved." + </p> + <p> + It appeared that Peg Pimpleface had been round Poplar, Limehouse, and + their vicinities, to sell her cargo of greens, potatoes, and other + vegetables; and having met with tolerable success, she had refreshed + herself a little too freely with the juniper, and driving her donkey-cart + towards Whitechapel, with a short pipe in her mouth, had dropped from her + seat among the remains of her herbage, leaving her donkey to the + uncontrolled selection of his way home. A Blackwall stage, on the way to + its place of destination, had, by a sudden jerk against one of the wheels + of Peg's crazy vehicle, separated the shafts from the body of the cart, + and the donkey being thus unexpectedly disengaged from his load, made the + best of his bargain, by starting at full speed with the shafts at his + heels, while the cart, by the violence of the concussion, lay in the road + completely topsy turvey; consequently Tom looked in vain for the fair + sufferer who lay under it. + </p> + <p> + "Poor Peg," continued the Irishman, "by the powers, if her nose comes too + near the powder magazine, the whole concarn will blow up; and as I don't + think she is insured, I'll be after lending her a helping hand; "and with + this, setting his shoulders to the shattered machine, at one effort he + restored it to its proper position, and made a discovery of Peg + Pimpleface, with her ruby features close to a bunch of turnips, the + whiteness of which served to heighten in no small degree their effect: the + fall, however, had not left her in the most delicate situation for public + inspection; the latter part of her person presenting itself bare, save and + except that a bunch of carrots appeared to have sympathized in her + misfortune, and <span class="pagenum">[388]</span> kindly overshadowed her + brawny posteriors. As she lay perfectly motionless, it was at first + conjectured that poor Peg was no longer a living inhabitant of this world: + it was, however, soon ascertained that this was not the fact, for the + Hibernian, after removing the vegetables, and adjusting her clothes, took + her up in his arms, and carried her with true Irish hospitality to a + neighbouring public-house, where seating her, she opened her eyes, which + being black, shone like two stars over the red protuberance of her face. + </p> + <p> + "By J———s," says Pat, "Peg's a brilliant of the first + water; give her a glass of max, and she'll be herself in two minutes:" at + the sound of this, animation was almost instantaneously restored, and Tom + and his friends having ascertained that she had sustained no bodily harm, + gave the generous Irishman a reward for his attentions, jumped into the + carriage, and proceeded on their journey. + </p> + <p> + They were not long on their journey to Black wall; where having arrived, + the first object of attention was the East India Docks, to which they were + introduced by Mr. M. an acquaintance of Dashall's. + </p> + <p> + "These Docks," said Tom to his Cousin, "are a noble series of works, well + worthy of the Company which produced them, though they generally excite + less interest than the West India Docks, which are not far distant, and of + which we shall also have a sight." + </p> + <p> + "It should be remembered," observed Mr. M. "that these docks are solely + appropriated to the safe riding of East Indiamen. The import dock is 1410 + feet long, 560 wide, and 30 feet deep, covering an area of 18 acres and a + half. The export dock is 780 feet long, 520 feet wide, and 30 feet deep, + covering nine acres and a half, with good wharf, and warehouse room for + loading and unloading." + </p> + <p> + "Pray," said Bob, "what are those immense caravans, do they belong to the + shew-folk, the collectors of wild beasts and curiosities for exhibition at + the fair? or———" + </p> + <p> + "They are vehicles of considerable utility, Sir," replied Mr. M.; "for by + means of those covered waggons, all the goods and merchandize of the East + India Company are conveyed to and from their warehouses in town, under + lock and key, so as to prevent fraud and smuggling. They are very + capacious, and although they have a heavy and cumbrous appearance, they + move along the road <span class="pagenum">[389]</span> with more celerity + than may be imagined; and the high wall with which the docks are + surrounded, prevents the possibility of any serious peculation being + carried on within them. The Company are paid by a tonnage duty, which they + charge to the owners. Coopers, carpenters, and blacksmiths, are + continually employed in repairing the packages of goods, landing, and + snipping; and a numerous party of labourers are at all times engaged in + conveying the merchandize to and from the shipping, by which means + hundreds of families are provided for. The Company is established by Act + of Parliament, and for the convenience of the merchants they have an + office for the transaction of business in town." + </p> + <p> + "It is a very extensive concern," said Tallyho, "and is doubtless of very + great utility." + </p> + <p> + Having satisfied themselves by looking over these extensive works, Mr. M. + informed them, that adjoining the Docks was a ship-building yard, formerly + well known as Perry's Yard, but now the property of Sir Robert Wigram. + "Probably you would like to take a view round it." + </p> + <p> + To this having replied in the affirmative, they were quickly introduced. + </p> + <p> + "Sir Robert," said Mr. M. "has been, and I believe still is, a + considerable managing owner of East India Shipping, whose fortune appears + to have advanced as his family increased, and perhaps few men have + deserved better success; he was born at Wexford, in Ireland, in the year + 1744, and was brought up under his father to the profession of a surgeon: + he left Ireland early in life, to pursue his studies in England, and + afterwards obtained an appointment as surgeon of an East Indiaman, and + remained some years in the service: he married Miss Broadhurst, the + youngest daughter of Francis Broadhurst, of Mansfield, in Nottinghamshire, + an eminent tanner and maltster; soon after which he commenced his career + as owner of East India Shipping. The General Goddard, commanded by William + Taylor Money, Esq. sailed under his management, and was fortunate enough + during the voyage to capture eight Dutch East Indiamen, of considerable + value, off St. Helena; since which he has been one of the most eminent + ship-owners in the City of London." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[390]</span> "A proof," said Sparkle, "of the + advantages to be derived from perseverance, and the active exercise of an + intelligent mind." + </p> + <p> + "His first wife," continued the informant, "died in the year 1786, leaving + him five children; and in the following year he married Miss Eleanor + Watts, daughter of John Watts, Esq. of Southampton, many years Secretary + to the Victualling Office, who is the present Lady Wigram, the benevolence + of whose heart, and gentleness of manners, have not only endeared her to + her husband, but gained her the esteem and regard of all who know her, and + by this lady he has had seventeen children." + </p> + <p> + "Zounds!" said Bob, "a man ought to have a mine of wealth to support such + a numerous progeny." + </p> + <p> + "They are, however, all of them well provided for; and Sir Robert has the + happiness, at an advanced age, to find himself the father of a happy + family; he rejoices once a year to have them all seated at his own table; + and has in many instances surprised his friends by an introduction. It is + related, that a gentleman from the Isle of Wight met him near the + Exchange, and after mutual salutations were passed, he invited the + gentleman to dine with him, by whom an excuse was offered, as he was not + equipped for appearing at his table. 'Nonsense,' said Sir Robert, 'you + must dine with me; and I can assure you there will be only my own family + present, so come along.' Guess the surprise of his visitor, on being + introduced to a large party of ladies and gentlemen. He was confused and + embarrassed. He begged pardon, and would have retired, declaring that Sir + Robert had informed him that none but his own family were to be present. + This Sir R. affirmed he had strictly adhered to, and introduced his friend + to his sons and daughters by name, which it may fairly be presumed, though + it explained, did not exactly tend to decrease his visitor's + embarrassment." + </p> + <p> + "And these premises," inquired Bob, "belong to the man you have + described?" + </p> + <p> + "The same," said Mr. M.; "they are managed and conducted under the + superintendence of two of his sons. Here, East India ships are built, + launched, and repaired: there are two on the stocks now of considerable + magnitude; the premises are extensive and commodious, and that high + building which you see is a mast-house, and the other buildings about the + yard are devoted to sail lofts, and shops for the various artizans, + requisite to complete the <span class="pagenum">[391]</span> grand design + of building and fitting out a ship for sea. From this yard you have a fine + view over the marshes towards Woolwich, and also a commanding prospect of + Greenwich Hospital. The various vessels and boats passing and repassing at + all times, give variety to the scene before you; and when a launch takes + place, the whole neighbourhood represents something of the nature of a + carnival; the river is covered with boats filled with company, and every + part of the shore near the spot from which the magnificent piece of + mechanism is to burst upon its native element, is equally occupied; + temporary booths are erected upon each side of what is termed the cradle, + for the accommodation of invited visitors; bands play as she moves, and a + bottle of wine is thrown at her head as she glides from the stocks, when + her name is pronounced amidst the universal shouts of huzza." + </p> + <p> + "It must be a most gratifying sight," observed Bob, "to see her cleave the + watery world; indeed it is a very pleasing view we have already had of + these floating castles, though I must also remark, that your descriptions + have added greatly to the enjoyment, and I think we are much indebted for + your kindness." + </p> + <p> + They now parted with Mr. M.; and after refreshing with a glass of wine and + a sandwich at the Plough, they proceeded to the West India Docks, the + entrance to which required no introduction. "Here," said Dashall, "you + will find a much longer space occupied than at the East India Docks. These + were undertaken according to an Act of Parliament passed in 1799, and the + place was formerly called the Isle of Dogs, though it might almost as + appropriately have been called the Isle of Boys. Upon the wharfs and quays + adjoining, all West India ships unload and load their cargoes." + </p> + <p> + "And exclusively, I suppose," interrogated Tallyho, "for the accommodation + of West India Shipping?" + </p> + <p> + "Exactly so," continued Tom; "the West India Trade generally arrives in + fleets, and formerly used to create much crowding, confusion, and damage + in the river; but these ships being now disposed of in the docks, the + overgrown trade of the port is carried on with pleasure and convenience; + for notwithstanding they have occasioned a very important trade to be + removed to a considerable and even inconvenient distance from the + metropolis, yet the advantages to the Port of London are upon the whole + incalculable. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[392]</span> "The Northern Dock for unloading + inwards is 2600 by 510 feet, and 29 feet deep, covering a space of 30 + acres, and capable of containing from two to three hundred sail of + vessels, in greater security than the river could afford them; and the + West India Dock Company are reimbursed for the accommodation by a tonnage + of 6s. upon the burthen of every ship which enters the docks; besides + which they are entitled to charge for wharfage, landing, housing, + weighing, cooperage, and warehouse room; certain rates upon all goods that + are discharged, such as 8d. per cwt. upon sugar; 1d. per gallon upon rum; + Is. 6d. per cwt. upon coffee; 2s. 6d. per cwt. upon cotton, wool, &c.: + and all this immense business is conducted with a general order and + regularity which greatly facilitates the business of the merchant." + </p> + <p> + "But," said Sparkle, "I apprehend it subjects him to something more of + expense than he incurred by the former mode of proceeding." + </p> + <p> + "I am not able decidedly to answer," continued Tom; "but in the main, I + expect that if so, it is well worth what is paid to have the additional + security. The forms of conducting the business may sometimes be attended + with considerable trouble, but there are persons so well acquainted with + them by habitual practice, that there cannot be much difficulty at this + period. This is the Export Dock, which covers an area of 24 acres, and is + 2600 by 400 feet, and 29 deep. The immense buildings round the two docks, + are warehouses for the reception of goods, and are of the most substantial + description; and to enable shipping in their passage up and down the + Thames to avoid the circuitous and inconvenient course round the Isle of + Dogs, a canal has been cut across this peninsula, through which, upon + paying certain moderate rates, all ships, vessels, and craft, are + permitted to pass in their passage up and down the river. In seeing this, + and the East India Docks, you have seen pretty well the nature of the + whole, for they are all of a similar construction, for similar purposes, + and under similar management: but we will now look in at the London Docks, + which are situated between Ratcliffe Highway and the Thames, then home to + dinner, and to dress for Lady M.'s party in the evening." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[393]</span> Thus saying, they took their way + towards the place he had mentioned. It would, however, be extending + description more than necessary, after the preceding observations of the + Hon. Tom Dashall, except to state that the Dock covers 20 acres of ground, + and is 1262 feet long, 699 feet wide, and 27 deep. The warehouses, + situated at the eastern extremity, are two in number, appropriated for the + reception of tobacco; the largest 762 feet long, and 160 feet wide, + equally divided by a strong partition wall, with double iron doors; the + smallest is 250 feet by 200. They consist of a ground floor and vaults, + the latter of which are devoted to the care and housing of wines, in which + are usually 5000 pipes. They are solely under the control of the Customs, + and the proprietors of the Docks have nothing more to do with them than to + receive the rent. Other warehouses are devoted to the reception of the + various articles of commerce, and the small buildings situated near the + edge are appropriated to counting-houses for clerks and officers, and for + weighing and pileing the goods, workshops, &c. as in the West India + Docks. The capital of the Company is about £2,000,000, and the ultimate + profits are limited to 10 per cent. The building was commenced in 1802, + and the grand dock was opened in 1805. In the immense subterraneous + caverns under the warehouses, all wines imported by the London merchant + are deposited, without paying the import duty, until it is fully disposed + of by the owner: a practice which is termed bonding, and saves the + proprietor the advance of the duty to government out of his capital. When + the merchant finds a person likely to become a purchaser, he directs a + written order to the cellarman, to peg certain pipes which are a part of + his stock, in order that the visitor may taste the various samples, and + select from them such as he is most agreeable to purchase." + </p> + <p> + "And no small convenience, of course," said Bon, "and of course the goods + are not allowed to be removed till the duties and charges are paid by the + purchaser." + </p> + <p> + "Certainly," was the reply; "they are held as a security for their + ultimate payment; but come, as we have already seen enough of docks, let + us make the best of our way home." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[394]</span> Upon arrival in Piccadilly, a letter + from Merrywell reminded Tom of his proposed journey to the country, with + the additional attraction of Merrywell's description of the parson's + daughter, whom he suggested might in all probability become his wife. + </p> + <p> + Sparkle likewise received a letter from home, reminding him of the + expectations entertained of his early arrival. After dinner the evening + was spent in the most agreeable and pleasant way, where our friends + engaged themselves with tripping it on the light fantastic toe at Lady + M.'s, till the beams of the morning darted upon them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0016" id="link42HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I'm amaz'd at the signs + As I pass through the town, + To see the odd mixture, + "A Magpie and Crown," + "The Whale and the Crow." + "The Razor and Hen," + "The Leg and Seven Stars," + "The Bible and Swan," + "The Axe and the Bottle," + "The Tun and the Lute," + "The Eagle and Child," + "The Shovel and Boot." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[395]</span> The proposed time for departure having + pressed hard upon our friends, (who though determined to quit the gaieties + of London, still seemed to linger, like the moth about the candle, + unwilling to separate themselves from its delights,) preparations were at + length decided and acted upon; the Hon. Tom Dashall having ordered his + servants to proceed on the road with the carriage, horses, and other + appendages of his rank, giving time for arrival at the place of + destination by easy stages, in order to avoid over fatiguing either his + attendants or his horses, an example which was followed by Sparkle and + Tallyho, who had mutually agreed to travel by the Mail; for which purpose + places were accordingly taken at the Bull and Mouth, which being announced + to Tallyho, he took occasion to ask his Cousin for an explanation of so + singular a sign for an Inn. + </p> + <p> + "As far as I am able to learn," replied Tom, "it was originally the Mouth + of Boulogne Harbour, or Boulogne Mouth,—and from thence corrupted to + the Bull and Mouth. There are, however, many curious signs, to trace the + original derivation of which, has afforded me many amusing moments during + my perambulation through the streets of the metropolis; indeed it has + often struck me, that the signs in many instances are so opposite to the + several professions they are intended to designate, that some remedy + should certainly be applied." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[396]</span> "And how," said Sparkle, "would you + propose to have the exhibition of signs regulated?" + </p> + <p> + "That," said Dashall, "as a subject of deep importance, ought to be + subjected to the legislative body for decision: it will be enough for me + to point out a few instances which have come under my own immediate + notice. + </p> + <p> + "A short time back, as I was passing near Smithfield, I was surprised at + observing the sign of 'The Cow and Snuffers;' and whilst I was + endeavouring to throw some light upon this subject, and puzzling myself in + endeavouring to discover how it was possible for a Cow to snuff a Candle, + or even a farthing rushlight; nay, even how it could happen that so + strange an association should take place, I was diverted from my study on + turning round, to find that some artist had exercised his ingenuity in + painting a Goat in Jack Boots. At first I conceived this must be intended + as a satire on our old debauchees, many of whom hide their spindled shanks + in the tasselled hessian. These proving inexplicable to my shallow + understanding, I pursued my walk, and observed against a strong newbuilt + house—'A Hole in the Wall;' and not far from the Fleet Prison, I + perceived, with some surprise, 'A Friend at Hand.' Over a house kept by + Nic. Coward, I saw 'The Fighting Cocks;' and at a crimping rendezvous, + remarked, 'The Tree of Liberty.'—'The Jolly Gardeners' were stuck up + at a purl house; and I can assure you, it was with much mortification I + detected 'The Three Graces' at a gin shop." + </p> + <p> + "Ha, ha, ha," said Tallyho, laughing, "very natural combinations of + characters and subjects for a contemplative philosopher like yourself to + exercise your ingenuity upon." + </p> + <p> + "Passing by a public-house," continued Tom, "the landlady of which was + exercising her tongue with the most clamorous volubility, I could scarcely + credit my eyes to find the sign of 'The Good Woman,' or, in other words, a + woman without a head. Entering a house for refreshment, I was told, after + calling the waiter for near an hour, that I was at the sign of 'The Bell;' + and upon desiring the master of 'The Hen and Chickens,' to send <span + class="pagenum">[397]</span> me home a fine capon, he shewed me some + cambric, and assured me it was under prime cost. The most ominous sign for + a customer, I thought, was 'The Three Pigeons;' and I own it was with + considerable astonishment when, after ordering a bed at 'The Feathers,' I + was compelled to pass the night on a straw mattrass. I have breakfasted at + 'The Red Cow,' where there was no milk to be had; and at the sign of 'The + Sow and Pigs,' have been unable to procure a single rasher of bacon. At + 'The Bell Savage,' (which by the way is said to be a corruption of La + Belle Sauvage, or 'The Beautiful Savage,') I have found rational and + attentive beings; and I have known those who have bolted through 'The Bolt + in Tun,' in order to avoid being bolted in a prison." + </p> + <p> + "Vastly well, indeed," exclaimed Sparkle; "and after all there is much to + be done by a sign as well as by an advertisement in the newspapers, + however inappropriate. The custom is of very ancient date, having been + made use of even by the Romans; and not many years back a bush of ivy, or + a bunch of grapes, was used for the purpose; nay, to the present day they + may be met with in many places. The Bush is perhaps one of the most + ancient of public-house signs, which gave rise to the well-known proverb, + </p> + <p> + "Good wine needs no bush." + </p> + <p> + That is to say, it requires nothing to point out where it is sold. At + country fairs, you will frequently see the houses in its vicinity + decorated with a Bush or a Bough, from which they are termed Bough Houses, + where accommodation may be found. This practice, I know, is still in use + at Boroughbridge, in Yorkshire, during their annual fair in June, which + lasts a week or ten days. But putting up boughs as a sign of any thing to + be sold, was not confined to alehouses; for in old times, such as sold + horses were wont to put flowers or boughs upon their heads, to reveal that + they were vendible.{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 In all probability from this practice originated the well + known proverb, + + "As fine as a horse," + + an illustration of which, from the "Life of Mrs. + Pilkington," is here subjoined:— + + "They took places in the waggon for Chester, and quitted + London early on May morning; and it being the custom on the + first of this month to give the waggoner at every Inn a + ribbon to adorn his team, she soon discovered the origin of + the proverb 'as fine as a horse;' for before they got to + the end of the journey, the poor beasts were almost blinded + by the tawdry party-coloured flowing honours of their + heads." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[398]</span> In Scotland, a wisp of straw upon a + pole, is or was some years ago the indication of an alehouse; and to this + day a ship or vessel for sale may be discovered by a birch broom at the + mast head. I remember reading, that in Fleet Market, on the eastern side, + there were some small houses, with a sign post, representing two hands + conjoined, with words, "Marriages performed within" written beneath them, + whilst a dirty fellow assailed the ears of the passengers with the + reiterated and loud address of, "Sir, will you walk in and be married," + (as if the dread of any stoppage in the trade of conjugality was + threatening mankind with premature extinction,) and the parson was seen + walking before his shop, ready to couple you for a dram of gin or a roll + of tobacco." + </p> + <p> + "Those were the times for getting married," exclaimed Bob, "no affidavits, + certificates, and exposures at church doors!" + </p> + <p> + "No," continued Sparkle, "those are signs of altered times. A witty + wigmaker adopted the sign of Absolom hanging to a tree, with King David + lamenting at a distance, who was represented with a label issuing from his + mouth, containing these words— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "O Absolom! my Son! my Son! + Had'st thou a peruke worn, thou had'st not been undone." +</pre> + <p> + This sign, if I remember right, was to be seen a few years since in + Union-street, Borough, and is not uncommon even now in France, where you + may also find the 'Cochon sans Tete,' (the pig without a head,) which is + generally a restaurateur's sign, indicating that 'good pork is here—the + useless animal's head is off,' illustrative of the Negro's opinion of a + pig in England—"de pig," said Mungo, "is de only gentleman in + England—man workee, woman workee, horse workee, ass workee, ox + workee, and dog workee—pig do nothing but eat and sleep—pig + derefore de only gentleman in England.'" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[399]</span> The conversation increased in interest + as they proceeded, and Tallyho was all attention; for it must be observed, + that as his inquiry had occasioned it, he was willing to listen to all + that could be advanced on the subject; and the Hon. Tom Dashall determined + to have his share in the explanation. + </p> + <p> + "The 'Man in the Moon,'" said he, "is derived from the old observation, + that a tipsy person is 'in the wind,' or 'in the moon,' (a lunatic.) The + sign may therefore be thought to give this advice, 'Here is good drink, + gentlemen, walk in and taste it; it will make you as happy as the man in + the moon; that is to say, steep your senses in forgetfulness.'—'The + Bag of Nails' was the sign of an Inn at Chelsea, which may perhaps be + noticed as the <i>ne plus ultra</i> of ludicrous corruption, having + originally been a group of <i>Bacchanals</i>." + </p> + <p> + Here risibility could no longer be restrained, and a general laugh ensued. + </p> + <p> + "A group of Bacchanals, however," continued Tom, "is certainly not an out + of the way sign for an Inn, nor do I conceive its corruption so very <i>outre'</i>, + when we look at others that have suffered much stranger metamorphoses; for + who would have thought that time could have performed such wonderful + changes as to have transformed a view of Boulogne Harbour into a Black + Bull, and a tremendous mouth sufficiently large to swallow its neighbours, + horns and all; or the name La Belle Sauvage, or Beautiful Savage, into a + bell, and a gigantic wild man of the woods." + </p> + <p> + "Then again," said Sparkle, "taking up the subject, "the pole and bason, + though no longer the exhibited emblems of a barber's occupation in London, + are still very often to be met with in its environs and in the country, + where they are ostentatiously protruded from the front of the house, and + denote that one of those facetious and intelligent individuals, who will + crop your head or mow your beard, 'dwelleth here.' Like all other signs, + that of the barber is of remote antiquity, and has been the subject of + many learned conjectures: some have conceived it to originate from the + word poll, or head; but the true intention of the party-coloured staff, + was to indicate that the master of the shop practised surgery, and could + breathe a vein, as well as shave a beard; such a staff being to this day + used by practitioners, and put into the hand of the patient while + undergoing the operation of phlebotomy: the white band, which no doubt you + have observed encompassing the staff, was meant to represent the fillet, + thus elegantly twined about it. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[400]</span> "And this," said Sparkle, "appears to + be the most reasonable conjecture of any I ever heard, as it is well known + the two businesses were in former times incorporated together, and the + practiser was termed 'A Barber Surgeon.' Then as to their utility: the + choice of a witty device, or splendid enluminure, was formerly thought of + great consequence to a young beginner in the world; and I remember reading + of an Innkeeper at Cassel, who having considerably profited by his + numerous customers under the sign of 'The Grey Ass,' supposing himself + well established in his trade and his house, began to be tired of the + vulgar sign over his door, and availed himself of the arrival of the + Landgrave of Hesse, to make (as he thought) a very advantageous change. In + an evil hour, therefore, 'The Grey Ass' was taken down and thrown aside, + in order to give place to a well painted and faithful likeness of the + Prince, which was substituted for it as a most loyal sign. + </p> + <p> + "A small and almost unfrequented house in the same town, immediately took + up the discarded sign, and speculatively hoisted 'The Grey Ass.' What was + the consequence? Old codgers, married men with scolding Avives at home, + straggling young fellows, and all the 'fraternity of free topers,' + resorted to the house, filled the tap-room, crammed the parlour, and + assailed the bar: the Grey Ass had the run, and was all the vogue; whilst + the venerable Prince of Hesse swung mournfully and deserted at the other + place, and enticed no visitors, foreign or domestic; for it should be + observed, that 'The Grey Ass' had such reputation all over Germany, that + every foreign nobleman or gentleman who came to Cassel, was sure to order + his coach or chaise to be driven to the inn of that name; and this order + of course was still continued, for how was it to be known by travellers + coming from Vienna, Hungary, or Bohemia, that a certain innkeeper at + Cassel had altered his sign? To the inn, therefore, which was denominated + 'The Grey Ass,' they still went. + </p> + <p> + "What could the poor deserted innkeeper do in such a case? To deface the + fine portrait of his master, would have been high treason; yet losing his + customers on the other hand was downright starvation. In this cruel + dilemma he dreamt of a new scheme, and had it executed. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[401]</span> The portrait of the Prince was + preserved, but he had written under it, in large characters, + </p> + <p> + 'This is the Original Grey Ass.' + </p> + <p> + "Excellent!" exclaimed the Hon. Tom Dashall, "though I must confess you + have travelled a long way for your illustration, which is quite sufficient + to shew the utility of signs. But I would ask you if you can explain or + point out the derivation of many we have in London—such for instance + as 'The Pig and Tinder-Box'—'The Prad and Blower'—'The Bird + and Baby'—'The Tyrant and Trembler'—'The Fist and Fragrance'" + </p> + <p> + "Hold," cried Sparkle, "I confess I am not quite so learned." + </p> + <p> + "They are novel at least," observed Tallyho, "for I do not recollect to + have met with any of them." + </p> + <p> + "Ha, ha, ha!" exclaimed Tom, "then you are not fly, and I must add + something to your stock of knowledge after all. The Pig and Tinder-Box is + no other than the Elephant and Castle—The Prad and Blower, the Horse + and Trumpeter—The Bird and Baby, the Eagle and Child—The + Tyrant and Trembler, the Lion and Lamb—The Fist and Fragrance, the + Hand and Flowers. Then we have the Book, Bauble, and holler, which is + intended to signify the Bible, Crown, and Cushion." + </p> + <p> + At this moment a thundering knock at the door announced a visitor, and put + an end to their conversation. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes a letter was delivered to Dashall, which required an + immediate answer: he broke the seal, and read as follows:— + </p> + <p> + "Dear Tom, "Come to me immediately—no time to be lost—insulted + and abused—determined to fight Bluster—You must be my second—I'll + blow his blustering brains out at one pop, never fear. At home at 7, dine + at half-past; don't fail to come: I will explain all over a cool bottle of + claret—then I shall be calm, at present I am all fire and fury—don't + fail to come—half-past seven to a moment on table. You and I alone—toe + to toe, my boy—I'll finish him, and remain, as ever, + </p> + <p> + "Yours, sincerely, + </p> + <p> + "Lionel Laconic." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[402]</span> "Here's a breeze," said Tom; "desire + the messenger to say I shall attend at the appointed hour. Death and the + devil, this defeats all previous arrangement; but Laconic is an old + college friend, whom I dare not desert in a moment of emergency. I fear I + shall not be able, under such circumstances, to leave town so early as was + proposed." + </p> + <p> + "Sorry for it," replied Sparkle, "and more sorry to be deprived of your + company now our time is so short; however, I depart according to the time + appointed." + </p> + <p> + "And I," said Tallyho, "having no honorable business to detain me in town, + intend to accompany you." + </p> + <p> + "If that be the case," said Tom, "I may perhaps be almost obliged to delay + a few days, in order to adjust this difference between Bluster and + Laconic, and will follow at the earliest moment. It is, however, a duty we + owe each other to render what assistance we can in such cases." "I + thought," continued Tallyho, "you were no friend to duelling." + </p> + <p> + "By no means," was the reply; "and that is the very reason why I think it + necessary to delay my departure. I know them both, and may be able to + bring matters to an amicable conclusion; for to tell you the truth, I + don't think either of them particularly partial to the smell of powder; + but of that I shall be able to inform you hereafter; for the present + excuse me—I must prepare for the visit, while you prepare yourselves + for your departure." + </p> + <p> + Sparkle and Tallyho wished Tom a pleasant evening, took their dinner at + the Bedford Coffee-house, and spent the evening at Covent-Garden Theatre, + much to their satisfaction, though not without many anticipations as to + the result of their friend's interference between the two hot-headed + duellists. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0017" id="link42HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The music, and the wine, + The garlands, the rose odours, and the flowers, + The sparkling eyes, and flashing ornaments, + The white arms, and the raven hair—the braids + And bracelets—swan-like bosoms, and the necklace, + An India in itself, yet dazzling not the eye + Like what it circled. + + All the delusions of the gaudy scene, + Its false and true enchantments—all which + Swam before the giddy eyes." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[403]</span> Dashall being wholly occupied by the + unexpected affair noticed in our last Chapter, had left his Cousin and + friends to amuse themselves in the best way they could, prior to the + completion of the necessary arrangements for quitting the metropolis. The + party were undecided upon what object to fix their choice, or how to bend + their course; and while warmly discussing the subject, were suddenly + interrupted by the appearance of Gayfield, who learning that Dashall was + from home, and upon what occasion, broke out with his usual volubility. + </p> + <p> + "Well, these affairs of honor certainly are imperious, and no doubt ought + to take precedence of every thing else. My object in calling was chiefly + to give him a description of the Countess of ———'s rout + on Saturday last, in Berkeley-square, where I intimated I should be, when + I last fell in with him. '<i>Oh Ciélo Empireo</i>.' I'm enchanted yet, + positively enchanted! I ought to have Petrarch's pen to describe such a + scene and such dresses. Then should a robe of Tulle vie with that of Laura + at the church door—that dress of '<i>Vert parsemée de violets</i>.' + But softly, let us begin with the beginning, <i>Bélier mon ami</i>. What a + galaxy of all the stars of fashion! It was a paradise of loveliness, fit + for Mahomet. All the beauties of the Georgian Æra were present. Those real + graces, their Graces of A——— and R——— + were among the number. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[404]</span> The Countess of L——— + and Lady F——— O——— would make one cry + heresy when the poets limit us to a single Venus. And then the Lady P———'s. + Heaven keep us heart-whole when such stars rain their soft influence upon + us. As to the Countess of B———, with her diamond tiara, + and eyes brighter than her diamonds, she looked so goddess-like, that I + was tempted to turn heathenish and worship. Indeed, that bright eyes + should exert their brilliancy amid the dazzling brightness of our fair and + elegant hostess's rooms, is no trifle. Dancing commenced at eleven; and, + although my vanity allured me to think that the favorable glances of more + than one would-be partner were directed towards me, I felt no inclination + to sport a toe in the absence of Lady L. M. By-the-by, Count C——— + told me, with a profusion of foreign compliment, that I and the 'observed + of all observers,' Lord E———h, were the best drest male + personages at the rout. + </p> + <p> + Thanks to the magical operation of the Schneider, who makes or mars a man. + </p> + <p> + "The <i>coup d'oil</i> of the scene was charming. <i>Cétoit un vrai délice</i>—that + atmosphere of light, of fragrance, and of music—gratifying all the + senses at once. Oh! what bosoms, arms, and necks were thronging round me! + Phidias, had he attempted to copy them, would have forgotten his work to + gaze and admire. Description fails in picturing the <i>tout ensemble</i>,—the + dazzling chandeliers blazing like constellations—the richly + draperied <i>meubles</i>—the magnificent dresses—and then so + many eyes, like stars glittering round one; like 'Heaven,' as Ossian says, + 'beaming with all its fires.' + </p> + <p> + "In the midst of my admiration, I was accosted by Caustic, and expressed + my surprise at finding him in such a scene—'A rout,' he replied, 'is + just one of those singular incoherences which supply me with laughter for + a month. Was there ever such a tissue of inconsistencies assembled as in + these pleasure hunts? On stepping from your carriage, you run the gauntlet + through two lines of quizzing spectators, who make great eyes, as the + French term it, at you, and some of whom look as if they took a fancy to + your knee buckles. A double row of gaudy footmen receive you in the + blazing hall, and make your name echo up the stairs, as you ascend, in a + voice of thunder. Your <i>tête s'exalte</i>, and when you expect to be + ushered into the Temple of Fame, you find yourself embedded (pardon the + metaphor) in a <i>parterre</i> of female beauty.' + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[405]</span> "As for me," I replied, interrupting + the satirist, "I delight in such things. I believe that fashion, like + kings, can do no wrong." + </p> + <p> + "And so you would rather have your ribs beat in, than your name left out. + But look round you, in God's name! what is the whole scene but & + fashionable mob met together to tread on each other's heels and tear each + other's dresses? Positively, you cannot approach the mistress of the + mansion to pay those common courtesies which politeness in all other cases + exacts. And how so many delicate young creatures can bear a heat, pressure + and fatigue, which would try the constitution of a porter, is <i>incroyable</i>. + Talk of levelling! This 'is the chosen seat of <i>égalité</i>.' All + distinctions of age, grace, rank, accomplishment, and wit, are lost in the + midst of a constantly accumulating crowd. What nerves but those of pride + and vanity, can bear the heat, the blaze of light, the buzz of voices + above, and the roar of announcements from below?" + </p> + <p> + "While Caustic was speaking, his reasoning received a curious and apposite + illustration. Three or four ladies near us began fainting, or affected to + faint, and hartshorn and gentlemen's arms were in general requisition. + Notwithstanding his acerbity, Caustic, like a preux chevalier, pressed + forward to offer his aid where the pressure was most oppressive, and where + the fainting ladies were dropping by dozens, like ripe fruit in autumn. As + for myself, I was just in time to receive in my arms a beautiful girl who + was on the point of sinking, and, being provided with hartshorn, my + assistance was so effectual, with the aid of a neighbouring window, that I + had the satisfaction of restoring her in a few minutes to her friends, who + did all they could, by crowding round her with ill-timed condolements, to + prevent her recovery. By this time the rest of the ladies took warning + from these little misadventures to retire. Caustic, in his sardonic way, + would insist upon it, that they retired to avoid that exposure of defects + in beauty, which the first ray of morning produces. I took my <i>congé</i> + among the rest, and found the hubbub which attended my entrance, increased + to a tenfold degree of violence at my exit; for the uproar of calling 'My + Lord This's carriage,' and 'My Lady That's chair,' was nothing in + comparison to the noise produced <span class="pagenum">[406]</span> by + servants quarrelling, police officers remonstrating, carriages cracking, + and linkboys hallooing. Some of the mob had, it appeared, made an + irruption into the hall, to steal what great-coats, cocked hats, or + pelisses they could make free with. This was warmly protested against by + the footmen and the police, and a regular set-to was the consequence. + Through this 'confusion worse confounded' I with difficulty made my way to + the carriage, and was not sorry, as the slang phrase is, to make myself + scarce." + </p> + <p> + The party could not feel otherwise than amused by Gayfield's description + of the rout; and the conversation taking a turn on similar subjects, + Sparkle, ever ambitious of displaying his talent for descriptive humour, + gave the following sketch of a fashionable dinner party:— + </p> + <p> + "I went with Colonel A———, by invitation, to dine with + Lord F., in Portman Square. Lord F. is a complete gentleman; and, though + sadly inconvenienced by the gout, received me with that frank, cordial, + and well-bred ease which always characterizes the better class of the + English nobility. The company consisted of two or three men of political + eminence; Lord Wetherwool, a great agriculturist; Viscount Flash, an + amateur of the Fancy; Lord Skimcream, an ex-amateur director of a winter + theatre; Lord Flute, an amateur director of the Opera, whose family motto, + by a lucky coincidence, is '<i>Opera non Verba</i>.' There were, moreover, + Mr. Highsole, a great tragedian, and my friend Tom Sapphic, the dandy + poet; one of those bores, the 'Lions' of the season. He had just brought + out a new tragedy, called the 'Bedlamite in Buff,' under the auspices of + Lord Skimcream; and it had been received, as the play-bills announced, + with 'unprecedented, overwhelming, and electrifying applause.' Of course I + concluded that it would live two nights, and accounted for the dignified + <i>hauteur</i> of my friend Tom's bow, as he caught my eye, by taking into + consideration the above-named unprecedented success. There was also + present the universal genius, Dr. Project, to whom I once introduced you. + He is a great chymist, and a still greater <i>gourmand</i>; moreover, a + musician; has a hand in the leading reviews; a share in the most prominent + of the daily papers. "Little was said till the wine and desert were + introduced; and then the conversation, as might naturally be expected from + the elements of which the party was composed, split itself into several + subdivisions. As I sat <span class="pagenum">[407]</span> next to Colonel + A., I had the advantage of his greater familiarity with the personages at + table. Lord Wetherwool was as absurd as he could possibly be on the + subject of fattening oxen. Lord Flute and Viscount Flash laid bets on the + celerity of two maggots, which they had set at liberty from their + respective nut-shells. The noble ex-director, Highsole and Sapphic, were + extremely warm in discussing the causes of the present degradation of the + stage; each shuffling the responsibility from the members of their own + profession and themselves. Dr. Project entertained his noble host with an + interminable dissertation upon oxygen, hydrogen, and all the <i>gens</i> + in the chemical vocabulary; for patience in enduring which his Lordship + was greatly indebted to his preparatory fit of the gout. Meanwhile, the + lordling exquisites only fired off a few 'lady terms,' like minute guns + and 'angel visits,' with long intervals between, filling up the aforesaid + intervals by sipping Champagne and eating <i>bonbons</i>. The essence of + what they said, amounted to mutual wonder at the d———d + run of luck last night, in King-street; or mutual felicitation on the new + faces which had appeared that day, for the first time, among the old + standing beauties who charm Bond-street, at lounge hours, either in + curricle or on foot. For my part, I was attracted towards the discussion + of the dramatic trio, not because I affect, as the cant of the day is, to + have a particular attrait towards the <i>belles lettres</i>, but merely + because the more plebeian disputants were vociferous, (a thing not often + observed among fashionables) and <i>outré</i> in their gesticulations, + even to caricature. 'What do you think of their arguments?' I inquired, <i>sotte + voce</i>, of Colonel A. 'If we are to be decided by their conjoint + statements, no one is to blame for the degradation of the stage.' + </p> + <p> + "'They are all in the right,' returned he, '(excuse the paradox,) because + they are all in the wrong. There is a rottenness in the whole theatrical + system, which, unless it terminate, like manure thrown at the root of + trees, in some new fructification of genius, will end by rendering the + national theatres national nuisances. With reference to the interests of + literature, they are a complete hoax. To please the manager, the object + which the writer must have in view, he must not paint nature or portray + character, but write up, as the cant phrase is, to the particular forte of + Mr. So and So, or Miss Such-a-one. The consequence is, that the public get + only one species of fare, and that is pork, varied indeed, as broiled, + baked, roasted, and boiled; but still pork, nothing but pork.' + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[408]</span> "'But surely,' I rejoined, 'Mr. Sapphic + and Mr. Highsole are gentlemen of high acquirements, independently of + their several professions, or a nobleman of Lord F———'s + taste and discrimination—' + </p> + <p> + "'There you are falling into an error,' returned the colonel, interrupting + me; 'it is the fashion to introduce actors at the tables of our great men; + but, in my opinion, it is a 'custom more honored in the breach than the + observance.' I have known several good actors on the stage, very + indifferent actors in society, and large characters in the play-bills, as + well as loud thunders from the gods, may be earned by very stupid, very + vulgar, and very ill-bred companions. The same may be said of poets. We + are poor creatures at best, and the giant of a reviewer very often cuts + but a very sorry figure when left to the ricketty stilts of his own + unsupported judgment in a drawing-room. You are tolerably familiar with + our political parties; but you are yet to be acquainted with our literary + squads, which are the most bigotted, selfish, exclusive, arrogant, little + knots of little people it is possible to conceive.' + </p> + <p> + "By the time that Colonel A———had ended his short + initiation into these various arcana, the company broke up; the doctor to + give a lecture on egg-shells at the Committee of Taste; Lord Flute to + visit the Opera; Lord Skimcream to the Green Boom; Lord Flash to 'Fives + Court,' to see a set-to by candle-light; the exquisites to Bouge et Noir + or Almack's; and Lord Wetherwool to vote on an agricultural question, + without understanding a syllable of its merits. + </p> + <p> + "Nevertheless," I soliloquized as I rode home, "his Lordship will be + surprised and gratified, I dare say, to find himself a perfect Demosthenes + in the newspaper reports of to-morrow morning. Hems, coughs, stammerings, + blowing of the nose, and ten-minute lapses of memory, all vanish in + passing through the sieves and bolters of a report. What magicians the + reporters are! What talents, what powers of language they profusely and + gratuitously bestow! Somnus protect me from hearing any but some half + dozen orators in both houses! The reader, who peruses the report, has only + the flour of the orator's efforts provided for him. But Lord help the + unfortunate patient in the gallery, who, hopeless of getting through the + dense mass which occupy the seats round him, is condemned to sit with an + 'aching head,' and be well nigh choaked with the husks and the bran." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[409]</span> Our party felt so much amused by these + lively and characteristic pictures of real life among the Corinthians of + the Metropolis, that all thoughts of seeking amusement out of doors + appeared for the present relinquished; and Sparkle, to keep the subject + alive, resumed as follows. + </p> + <p> + "In order to give some shade and variety to this sketch of society in the + west, we will now, if agreeable, travel eastward as far as the entrance to + the City, where I will introduce you, in fancy, to what must (at least to + our friend Tallyho) afford both novelty and surprise. + </p> + <p> + "Some time ago, and before I was quite so well versed in the knowledge of + Life in London as at present, through the medium of one of the 'young men + of genius about town,' I became a member of a new philosophical society + called the Socratics, held at a certain house near Temple Bar. Having been + plucked by several kind friends, till I resembled the 'man of Diogenes,' I + concluded that here, at least, my pockets might be tolerably safe from the + diving of a friendly hand. Philosophers, I was told by my friend the + introducer, had souls above money; their thoughts were too sublime and + contemplative for such worldly-minded concerns. I should have a great deal + of instruction for little or nothing; I had only to pay my two guineas per + annum, and the business was done; the gate of science was open, and + nothing farther was requisite than to push forward and imitate Socrates. + But how strangely do our anticipations mislead our sober judgments! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Jove breaks the tallest stilts of human trust, + And levels those who use them with the dust.' +</pre> + <p> + "The proprietor of the institution was rather courtier-like in making + promises, which the managers of course considered as much too common-place + and mechanical to be kept. It professed to exclude politics and religion + from the touch of its scientific paws; in other words, from its + discussions; but, alas! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'It kept the word of promise to the ear + And broke it to the hope.' +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[410]</span> "The only subjects which it did not + exclude were politics and religion. Neither could it be said that either + of these subjects received more benefit from the way in which they were + handled, than a white dress would from the handling of a chimney-sweeper, + the first being made as black as possible in the form of Tom-Payneism, and + the latter served up in the improved shape of Hartleyism or Atheism. Under + such instruction it was scarcely possible but that I should, in process of + time, become qualified, not only for a philosopher, but a legislator of + the first water; and I had serious thoughts of offering my services, for + the purpose of drawing up a code of laws, to the Otaheitans or the + Calmucks. If I had gone on improving as I did, I might, perhaps, have + carried out to some Backwood settlement or Atlantic island, as pretty a + Utopian prescription, under the designation of a constitution, as could + well be desired in the most philosophical community. But one of those sad + trifles which suffocate great ideas, and sometimes terminate in + suffocating philosophers, put a stop to my further enlightenment for the + present, by drying up the treasury of the Socratics. The philosophers were + the most civil as well as the most unfortunate people in the world. One or + other of them was always in want of money, either to perfect some great + scheme, or to save him from the unscientific 'handling' of a bailiff. It + was enough to move a mile-stone, to think how the progress of improvement, + or 'march of mind,' as it is called, might be delayed by being too + cold-hearted; and it did move my purse to such a degree, that at length I + had the satisfaction of discerning truth, sitting sola, at the bottom of + it. My pocket consumption, however, was not instant, but progressive; it + might be called a slow fever. Some of the philosophers visited me for a + loan, like a monthly epidemy; others drained me like a Tertian; and one or + two came upon me like an intermittent ague, every other day. Among these + was Mr. Hoaxwell, the editor, as he called himself, of a magazine. This + fellow had tried a number of schemes in the literary line, though none had + hitherto answered. But he had the advantage and credit of shewing in his + own person, the high repute in which literature is held in London, for he + could seldom walk the streets without having two followers at his heels, + one of whom frequently tapped him on the shoulder, no doubt, to remind him + of mortality, like the slave in the <span class="pagenum">[411]</span> + Roman triumphs. The favourite thesis of this gentleman, was the 'march of + mind;' and on this subject he would spout his half hour in so effectual a + manner, as to produce two very opposite effects; viz. the closing of the + eyes of the elder philosophers, and the opening of mine, which latter + operation was usually rendered more effectual by his concluding inquiry of + 'have you such a thing as a pound note about you?' + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To match this saint, there was another, + As busy and perverse a brother. +</pre> + <p> + "This was the treasurer of the Socratics, Thomas Carney Littlego, Esq. and + a treasure of a treasurer he was. This gentleman was a pupil of + Esculapius, and united in his own person the various departments of + dentist, apothecary, and surgeon. It is presumed that he found the + employment of drawing the eye teeth of Philosophical Tyros more + profitable, and bleeding the young Socratics more advantageous, than + physicking his patients. In his lectures he advocated the system of + research, and admired deduction; and this I, among many others, had + reason, at last, to know. It was very odd, but so it was, that some two or + three hundred per annum, subscribed by the members of the society, + vanished into the worthy treasurer's pocket, as it were a Moskoestron, and + then disappeared for ever. + </p> + <p> + "Another of the Socratics was called Epictetus Moonshine, Esquire. This + gentleman was a tall spider-like man, with lantern jaws, hatchet face, and + a mouth—the chief characteristic of which was, that it made a + diagonal line from the bottom of the face to the eyebrow. He was a great + speculator, and had taken it into his head, that beyond the blue mountains + in New South Wales, was the real El Dorado. But as he possessed, according + to the usual phrase, more wit than money, and no one will discount a check + from the aforesaid wit on change, the zeal of Epictetus Moonshine, some + time after the breaking up of the Socratic institution for benefitting the + human race, so much got the better of self-love, that he committed several + petty larcenies in hopes of being transported thither; but whether his + courage or his luck failed him, certain it is that he never reached the + proper degree of criminality, and only succeeded in visiting by turns the + various penitentiaries in London and its vicinity. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[412]</span> "'You mistake greatly, Sir,' said he, + to one of the visiting governors of Bridewell, who condoled with a man of + his talents in such a position, 'if you think a residence in this + sequestered haunt a subject of regret. The mind, as Milton says, is its + own seat, and able of itself to make— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'A heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.' +</pre> + <p> + And now I am on the subject of stoicism, permit me to shew you a picture + which I have just chalked out, wherein I prove that there is no such thing + as pain in the world. That all which we now feel is imagination; that the + idea of body is deception. I have had it printed, —written in + fourteen languages, and presented to all the sovereigns of Europe, with a + new code of laws annexed to it. I'll bring it in a minute, if you'll + excuse me.' So saying, the pupil of Zeno disappeared, wrapping his blanket + round him; but other speculations of 'matters high' no doubt attracted him + from the remembrance of his promise, (just as he forgot to pay some score + pounds he borrowed of me) for the visitor saw no more of him. + </p> + <p> + "The mention of El Dorado brings to my recollection another member, Mr. + Goosequill, who came to town with half-a-crown in his pocket, and his + tragedy called the 'Mines of Peru,' by which he of course expected to make + his fortune. For five years he danced attendance on the manager, in order + to hear tidings of its being 'cast,' and four more in trying to get it + back again. During the process he was groaned, laughed, whistled, and + nearly kicked out of the secretary's room, who swore (which he well might + do, considering the exhausted treasury of the concern) that he knew + nothing about nor ever heard of the 'Mines of Peru.' At last Mr. + Goosequill, being shewn into the manager's kitchen, to wait till he was at + leisure, had the singular pleasure of seeing two acts of the 'Mines of + Peru,' daintily fastened round a savory capon on the spit, to preserve it + from the scorching influence of the fire. + </p> + <p> + "This was foul treatment, I observed, as he concluded his tale, and I + ventured to ask how he had subsisted in the meanwhile? 'Why,' said he, 'I + first made an agreement with a printer of ballads, in Seven Dials, who + finding my inclinations led to poetry, expressed his satisfaction, telling + me that one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam; + and another was become dozed with <span class="pagenum">[413]</span> + drinking drams. An agreement was made,' continued he, 'and I think I + earned five-pence halfpenny per week as my share of this speculation with + the muses. But as my profits were not always certain, I had often the + pleasure of supping with Duke Humphrey, and for this reason I turned my + thoughts to prose; and in this walk I was eminently successful, for during + a week of gloomy weather, I published an apparition, on the substance of + which I subsisted very comfortably for a month. I have often made a good + meal upon a monster. A rape has frequently afforded me great satisfaction, + but a murder well-timed was a never-failing resource.' + </p> + <p> + "But to return to the catastrophe of the Socratics: "By the time that the + philosophical experiments in 'diving without hydraulics' had cleaned me + entirely out, it was suggested that any thing in the shape of a loan would + be desirable; they were not nice—not they; a pair of globes; a set + of catoptric instruments; an electrical apparatus; a few antique busts; or + a collection of books for the library;—any old rum, as Jack.'said, + would do; and all and every of the before-mentioned loans would be most + punctually taken care of. And truly enough they were, for the lender was + never destined to cast an eye on any portion of the loan again. I was, + indeed, so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of my globes and instruments at + a pawnbroker's, and the fragments of my library at sundry book-stalls. It + was now high time to cut the connection, for the Socratics were rapidly + withdrawing. The association, for want of the true golden astringent, like + a dumpling without its suet, or a cheap baker's quartern loaf without its + 'doctor,' (i.e. alum), was falling to pieces. The worthy treasurer had + retired, seizing on such articles as were most within reach; and when I + called upon him with my resignation, I had the pleasure of seeing my own + busts handsomely lining the walls of the toothdrawer's passage. I waited + on the Socratics for the Bums they had been so polite as to borrow.—One, + to shew that he had profited by studying Socrates, threatened to accuse me + and the society of a plot to overturn the government, if a syllable more + on so low a subject as money was mentioned. Another told me that he was + just going on a visit to Abbot's Park for three months, and should be glad + to see me when he came back. A third, an unwashed artificer,' was so kind + as to inform me that <span class="pagenum">[414]</span> he 'had just got + white-washed, and he did not care one straw for my black looks.' And a + fourth, an index-maker, when presented with his acceptance, kindly + indicated that he had not the slightest recollection of the thing, and + that, if I persisted in compelling payment, he would bring a philosophical + gentleman from Cold Bath Fields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear + that it was not his hand-writing. + </p> + <p> + "The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce, there + was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantly laying a + horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them reminded me of the + proverb—'Sue a beggar,' &c. To crack a <i>baculine</i> joke over + their sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosophers were + not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march of mind,' + and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat and the mud + from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch,' says Solomon, 'shall he not be + denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained in quiet possession of + the busts—the book-stall displayed the properly appreciated volumes—and + the Socratic borrowers took all the care in the world of 'value + received.'" + </p> + <p> + Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amusements out + of doors, was passed in animated and amusing conversation over the + hospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit and + humour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy god. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0018" id="link42HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + In London, blest with competence. + With temper, health, and common sense, + None need repine or murmur—nay, + All may be happy in their way. + E'en the lone dwelling of the poor + And suffering, are at least obscure; + And in obscurity—exempt + From poverty's worst scourge—contempt. + Unmark'd the poor man seeks his den. + Unheeded issues forth again; + Wherefore appears he, none inquires, + Nor why—nor whither he retires. + All that his pride would fain conceal, + All that shame blushes to reveal; + The petty shifts, the grovelling cares, + To which the sous of want are heirs; + Those evils, grievous to be borne, + Call forth—not sympathy, but scorn; + Here hidden—elude the searching eye + Of callous curiosity. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[415]</span> The following morning was one of + unusual bustle, activity, and anxiety, the originally intended movements + of the party being thus unexpectedly interrupted. Dashall had arisen + before his usual hour, and departed from home before the appearance of + Sparkle and Bob to breakfast: it was, of course, supposed that the + promised duel would have decided the fate of one of the antagonists before + they should see him again. + </p> + <p> + In this conjecture, however, they were pleasingly disappointed by his + arrival about half past eleven o'clock. + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Sparkle, "it is all over—who has fallen—which is + the man—how many shots—what distance—who was the other + second—and where is the wounded hero?" + </p> + <p> + "Nay," said Tom, "you are before-hand with me; I have none of the + intelligence you require.—I have been in search of Lord Bluster, who + left town this very morning, three hours before my arrival, for Edinburgh; + and consesequently, I suppose, either has no intimation of Laconic's + intention to seek, or if he has—is determined to be out of the way + of receiving a regular challenge; so that, in all probability, it will + end, like many other duels, in smoke." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[416]</span> "Notwithstanding your friend's letter + was so full of fire," observed Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "But perhaps he became more cool over a bottle of claret—toe to toe, + my boy," continued Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + This conversation was interrupted by a letter, which being delivered to + Tom, he read aloud, interrupted only by laughter, which he could not + restrain. + </p> + <p> + "Dear Tom, "Don't like fighting in England—am off directly for Cork.—Tell + Bluster I'll wait there till he comes—but if he values his life, not + to come at all.—-Please do the needful in despatching my servants, + &c. within two days, for I am in such a passion I can't wait a moment.—So + adieu. + </p> + <p> + "Yours, sincerely, Laconic." + </p> + <p> + "Excellent, upon my word," said Sparkle; "here are two men of honour + determined upon meeting, running away from each other even before the + preliminaries are arranged." + </p> + <p> + "There is novelty in it at least," said Tom, "though I am by no means + astonished at the end of it; for I before observed, I do not think either + of them over fond of powder. Laconic pretended that nothing would satisfy + him but fighting immediately, provided Bluster was to be found: any person + to whom bis character was not known would have expected some spilling of + blood before this time. But it is now plain that this blustering was the + effect of the wine, and the man's cooler judgment has extinguished the + flame of his irritability." + </p> + <p> + "I think," said Tallyho, "it would be well to advise them to meet + half-seas over, and draw a cork together by way of settling their + differences." + </p> + <p> + "Curse their differences," replied Dashall, "I'll have nothing more to do + with them: upon the whole, I am glad now that I could not meet with + Bluster, or I should have looked like a fool between the two; and as it + is, I am not much pleased with the adventure, particularly as it must + necessarily delay me, and I hate the idea of travelling alone. I should + very much have liked to start with you; but as Laconic has made me fully + acquainted with his affairs, in case he should fall in the intended duel, + I must even comply with the contents of his note; though, if he had not + actually departed, you may rest assured I would have nothing to do with + him or his concerns." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[417]</span> "Come, come," cried Sparkle, "grumbling + is of no use now; and as the circumstances are not made public, the + duellists will escape being laughed at. There is no harm done—we + must be upon the alert—we shortly bid adieu to London, and shall not + be so well pleased to leave you behind; but remember you promise to follow + as quickly as possible.—Now, how shall we dispose of the remainder + of the time?" + </p> + <p> + "Zounds," replied Tom, "all my plans are deranged by this foolish affair + of Laconic's, and I can hardly tell which way to move.—However, I + shall not devote myself to his affairs to-day; therefore I am at your + service; and as time is but short with us, let us make good use of it. The + tragedy of the duel having ended most comically, I am prepared for any + thing farcical; therefore say the word, and I am your man for a toddle, + east, west, north, or south." + </p> + <p> + Upon this intimation, our friends sallied forth upon a sort of Quixotic + excursion in search of adventures, for neither could make up his mind as + to the precise place of their destination, when the first object that + attracted their particular notice was a large printed bill, announcing to + the public, "That the sale at Fonthill Abbey, advertised for the 8th of + October, would not take place, in consequence of the property being + disposed of by private contract."{1} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 The following appeared in the daily prints relating to + this valuable property:— + + "FONTHILL ABBEY. "The sale at this splendid mansion is not + to take place, the estate having been sold by private + contract; the purchaser is said to be Mr. Farquhar, a rich + East India merchant, who is reported to have given 330,000L. + for the property. It is stated that every article in the + Abbey goes with it, with the exception of the family plate + and pictures, and a very few favourite rarities. Possession + is to be taken immediately. The sale of the whole estate is + an event for which the people of the place seem to have been + totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the + beginning, that nothing was to be sold but the mere luxuries + of the place; but as to the Abbey, they universally + asserted, in the strongest manner, as if they had good + reason to be convinced of the thing, that Mr. Beck-ford + would as soon part with his life as with a residence which + he prized so dearly. Now, however, that they have heard from + the steward, that the estate has been sold, and that he has + received notice to quit his office in a fortnight, they + begin to feel that they have lost an excellent landlord. Mr. + Beckford has taken a house in town, in the New Road, where + he means chiefly to reside in future. Every body is aware + that the chief part of that princely income, which enabled + him to raise this expensive edifice from the foundation, was + derived from his paternal estates in the West Indies. Such + was the wealth which those estates at one time pro-duced, + that it obtained for his grandfather the distinction of + being considered the richest subject in Europe. For the last + ten years they have declined very materially, and several of + them have been entirely lost through a defect that has been + discovered in the title. The original purchaser obtained + these in the way of mort-gage, and having foreclosed them in + an untechnical manner, advantage has been taken of the + informality by the heirs of the mortgagors, and Mr. Beckford + has been dispossessed. The defence of his title, and the + other consequences, involved him in losses and vast + expenses; besides which, the revenue from his unquestionable + estates in those islands has declined to less than one-tenth + of what it formerly was. Mr. Farquhar, the gentleman who is + reported to have purchased Fouthill Abbey, is the principal + partner and proprietor of Whitbread's brew-house, and is + likewise at the head of the first mercantile house in the + City, for the management of all agency concerns, connected + with India." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[418]</span> "Thousands of people," says Dashall, + "who had been flocking to that neighbourhood, intending to obtain a view + of the premises, will, by this event, be disappointed. Several of my + friends have paid a visit to it, and describe it as a most princely + mansion." + </p> + <p> + "And pray," inquired Sparkle, "what is the cause of its being sold at all + 1 It has always been reported that Mr. Beckford was a man of very + extensive property." + </p> + <p> + "That appears to be a little mysterious, and report, who is always a busy + fellow on extraordinary occasions, has not been idle: by some it is + stated, that Mr. Beckford suffered great and irreparable losses in his + West India property, and that there are in the Abbey at this moment + executions to the amount of eighty thousand pounds; that the view of the + effects has taken place entirely under the control of the sheriffs: by + others it is asserted that no such embarrassment exists. However, be that + as it may, the public have been highly gratified for some time past in + being permitted to view the estate and the valuable curiosities it + contains; and the produce of the admission tickets, which has probably + netted twenty thousand pounds, goes to the liquidation of the debts." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[419]</span> "And an excellent plan for raising the + wind too," said Tallyho; "the example, I suppose, has been taken from + Wanstead House." + </p> + <p> + "Most likely," was the reply; "but if it is true that the disposal of the + property is occasioned by the embarrassment of its owner, it cannot but + excite painful and melancholy reflections on the tenure by which men hold + the goods of this life. Those who were acquainted with Mr. Beckford's + circumstances some years ago, thought him so secured in the enjoyment of a + princely income, that he was absolutely out of the reach of ill fortune, + being at one time in the actual receipt of one hundred thousand pounds a + year. It cannot be said of him that he has wasted his inheritance at the + gaming-table. The palace which he raised on a barren mountain, the greater + part of those vast plantations which surround it, the collection of books, + and of rare specimens of art, and the superb furniture, which gives such + peculiar dignity and splendour to the interior of his residence, speak at + once the immensity of his means, and attest the propriety and gracefulness + of their application." + </p> + <p> + "We ought to have taken a trip there to have seen this earthly paradise," + rejoined Tallyho; "but now I suppose it is all over." + </p> + <p> + "Certainly," was the reply; "and it is a circumstance for which the people + in the neighbourhood appear to have been totally unprepared. They were led + to believe, from the beginning, that the mere luxuries of the place were + to be sold, and the public announcement of this had the effect of filling + the county of Wilts with pleasure-hunters from all quarters. He was + fortunate who, for some time past, could find a vacant chair within twenty + miles of Fonthill: the solitude of a private apartment was a luxury which + few could hope for; and an old friend of mine informs me, in one of his + letters, that, coming from London, travellers first met their troubles + about Salisbury, The languages of France, of Holland, and of Germany, the + peculiarities (in tongue) of Scotland and Ireland, the broad dialect of + Somersetshire, the tinckling accent of Wales, and the more polished tones + of metropolitan residents, were all, at the same moment, to be heard + clashing and contending. There were bells ringing, and chamber-maids + screaming—horses prancing, and post-boys swearing—wheels + clattering, and waiters jostling—guests threatening, and hubbub and + confusion the orders of the day:—and all this to see something which + half of them, when they got there, if they were so fortunate, could not + obtain a sight of. So that, perhaps, we have been quite as well off in + remaining at home." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[420]</span> "That was spoken like a philosopher," + said Sparkle, dryly.—"But pray, who is to be the future possessor of + this fine estate?" + </p> + <p> + "A Mr. Farquhar, who, according to the best information I have obtained, + is a man of an extraordinary character, and has given 330,000L. for it as + it stands, with every article in the Abbey except the family plate and + pictures, and a few very favourite rarities. Some interesting particulars + of the purchaser have recently been made known; from which it appears, + that he is a native of Aberdeen, and went out early in life to India, + where he was employed in the medical department. Chemical research was his + favourite pursuit: there was some defect in the manner of manufacturing + gunpowder, and Mr. Farquhar was selected to give his assistance. By + degrees, he obtained the management of the concern, and finally he became + the sole contractor to the government. In this way wealth and distinction + rapidly poured in upon him. After some years of labour, he returned to + England with half a million of money; and it is somewhat curious that a + man possessed of so much money upon his arrival at Gravesend, should, + merely to save the expense of coach-hire, walk up to London; which, + however, it appears he did, when his first visit, very naturally, was to + his banker. Without waiting for refreshment or alteration of attire, full + of dust and dirt, with clothes not worth a guinea, he presented himself at + the counter, and asked for Mr. Coutts. The clerks, not much prepossessed + in his favour by his appearance, disregarded his application; and he was + suffered to remain in the cash-office under the idea of his being some + poor petitioner, until Mr. Coutts, passing through it, recognized his + Indian customer, the man whom he expected to see with all the pomp of a + nabob. Mr. Farquhar requested to have five pounds; which having received, + he took his departure. This anecdote strongly marks the character and + habits of the man. He soon afterwards settled in Upper Baker-street, where + his house was to be distinguished by its dingy appearance, uncleaned + windows, and general neglect. An old woman was his sole attendant; and his + apartment, to which a brush or broom was never applied, was kept sacred + from her care. His neighbours were not acquainted with his character; and + there have been instances of some of them offering him money as an object + of charity." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[421]</span> "An admirable tenant for such a place + as Fonthill, truly," observed Sparkle.—"Why, what the devil will he + do with it now he has got it?" + </p> + <p> + "Perhaps," said Dashall, "I ought to refer you to the man himself for an + answer to such a question, for I am at a loss to guess; he is now + sixty-five years of age, and still in single blessedness." + </p> + <p> + "A very enviable situation," remarked Sparkle, "However," continued Tom, + "he has done some good in the world, and may live to do more. He became a + partner in the great agency house in the City, of Basset, Farquhar, and + Co.; besides which, he purchased the late Mr. Whitbread's share in the + brewery. Part of his great wealth was devoted to the purchase of estates; + but the great bulk was invested in stock, and suffered to increase on + compound interest. He is deeply read in ancient and modern literature, and + has a mind of extraordinary vigour and originality; his conversation of a + superior order, impressive and animated on every subject. His sentiments + are liberal, and strangely contrasted with his habits. His religious + opinions are peculiar, and seem to be influenced by an admiration of the + purity of the lives and moral principles of the Brahmins. It is said that + he offered 100,000L. to found a college in Aberdeen, with a reservation on + points of religion; to which, however, the sanction of the legislature + could not be procured, and the plan was dropped. He has been residing in + Gloucester-place, where he has furnished a house in a style of modern + elegance, and, so far as appearances are concerned, indulges in several + luxuries; but his domestic habits are still the same, and his table seldom + labours with the pressure of heavy dishes. He has one nephew, to whom he + allows, or did allow, 300L. per year; has but few other claims of family; + and it is probable that his immense wealth will be bequeathed to + charitable purposes, as the great object of his ambition is to leave his + name to posterity as the founder of some public institution. To that + passion may, perhaps, be attributed the purchase of Fonthill Abbey; for + his age and infirmities totally unfit him for the enjoyment of such <span + class="pagenum">[422]</span> a place. He is diminutive in person, and by + no means prepossessing in appearance; his dress has all the qualities of + the antique to recommend it; and his domestic expenditure, until the last + year, has not exceeded 200L. per annum, although his possessions, money in + the funds, and capital in trade, are said to amount to a million and a + half!" + </p> + <p> + "Why, he is an oddity indeed," exclaimed Tallyho, "and I think he ought to + be exhibited as the eighth wonder of the world." + </p> + <p> + "Certainly we cannot look upon the like every day: there are instances, it + is said, of his having returned letters merely because the postage was not + paid, although he has, on more than one or two occasions, given away, at + once, for praise-worthy purposes, ten and twenty thousand pounds." + </p> + <p> + "Then," rejoined Sparkle, "he is a trump, and deserves to be respected:—but + where are we bound to?" + </p> + <p> + "Nay," replied Tom, "I have no choice upon the subject." + </p> + <p> + "Nor I neither," said Gayfield, stepping smartly up to him, and catching + him by the hand—"so come along—I'll guide you to good quarters + and comfortable accommodation.—Dine with me, and we will have a cut + in at whist.—What say you?" + </p> + <p> + This proposition was acceded to, and away they went to Gayfield's + apartments, where a very hospitable and friendly entertainment was + presented to them with every mark of a hearty welcome. In the evening, the + glass circulated freely, and cards being introduced, they enjoyed an + agreeable and pleasant game, at which nothing particular occurred; after + which they jumped into a rattler, and were conveyed home, very well + satisfied with every attention they had received from Gayfield, except the + eternal rattle of his tongue. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0019" id="link42HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "The proper study of mankind in food." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[423]</span> Next morning, while our party were at + breakfast, who should make his appearance but Gayfield, whose elasticity + of spirits, and volubility of tongue, appeared, if possible, to have + acquired an additional impulse of action. + </p> + <p> + "My dear fellow," he commenced, addressing Bob, "as you are so soon about + to leave us, I feel anxious you should carry with you all the information + possible on that interesting subject, Life in London. Long as your stay in + the Metropolis has been, still, where the subjects are so varying—so + ever varying—so multifarious—and the field for observation so + unlimited, it is impossible but that something must have escaped your + notice. + </p> + <p> + "I have been scribbling to a friend in the country, whom I occasionally + endeavour to amuse with "Sketches of Scenes in London;" and, as I flatter + myself, it exhibits something of novelty both in character, situation, and + incident, you shall hear it." + </p> + <p> + "Dear Dick—I told you that I was about to have the honour of being + introduced to tin; celebrated Dr. Kitchen. 'He was a man, take him for all + in all, I ne'er shall look upon his like again.' It was evidently one of + 'Nature's worst journeymen' that made him; for he has not a limb which + appears to appertain to his body; they look precisely as if they were + purchased at an auction. This little man, who seems born to be 'girded at' + by jokers of all classes, sharing the prevalent rage for notoriety, has + written two works, one in the character of a <i>gourmand</i>, and the + other of a musician. But not content with the fame he has thus acquired, + he has persuaded himself that he is an excellent singer. Nay, it was given + out lately, by his own concurrence, that he intended to sing at a concert + at the Argyle Rooms; and although he has no more voice than a <span + class="pagenum">[424]</span> cat, he was under the full impression that + his Majesty, at the conclusion of the last court-day, intended to call + upon him for a song. The Doctor asked me and Caustic to one of his + literary dinners; and as T have supplied you with a sketch of a cook-shop + <i>gourmand</i>, I make no apology for shewing up a more elevated class of + <i>gastronomes</i>, by reporting the Doctor's speech on this occasion.— + </p> + <p> + "'On entering the world, the acuteness of my palate and vigour of + digestion disposed me to conceive that I should excel in the fraternal + sciences of eating and drinking; and I entertained no doubt but my vapid + organs would be considerably improved by frequent exercise. Taste has + various departments—painting, architecture, sculpture, &c.; but + impressed with the conviction that my only office in this world was to + invent new dishes and devour them, I collected all the culinary writers + from Caxton to Mons. Ude, of modern celebrity. As science proceeds by + gradual advances, I frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, to + initiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, and to + judge of their skilful preparation. These, to be sure, are proper schools + for a beginner; but I soon discovered that these victuallers, on account + of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much and pay little, + could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite <i>entrees</i>. + Sometimes I found that the same turkey had been twice subjected to the + spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before, underwent the operation + of frying on the following. Cold meat appeared as hot pie, with many other + curious and ingenious devices. Then the wine was so adulterated, + compelled, like a melancholic patient, to look old before its time, and + fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coat perceptibly impregnated with + bad brandy, and tasted of every thing but the grape, that, in about six + months, I sickened, and no longer frequented these tasteless and + inhospitable retreats for the hungry. + </p> + <p> + "'To view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a "sorry sight:"—a + dozen articles placed at once upon the table—then, on the removal of + the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulous paralytic serving + the soup, and scattering it in all directions, excepting into the plate + where it ought to be delivered; <span class="pagenum">[425]</span> then an + unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction; here, + an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl as coarsely as + the four horses dragged Ravillac, limb from limb; there, another simpleton + notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while a purblind coxcomb + confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy on pigeon-pie, and parsley + and butter on roast-beef. All these barbarisms are unknown at my table. + </p> + <p> + "'Perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond any + thing hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is to behold + my guests in silence sip their wine. As the glass is held up, the eye and + the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands the nostrils, + elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips to a smile. When + its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as Indian paper, (for observe, to + use a thick wine-glass is to drink with a gag in your mouth) touches the + lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnest possible stream to + enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained, and that successive + perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate in the gulph of ecstacy. + </p> + <p> + "'I am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulged + without some hazard to the constitution; it is therefore the business of + my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, and provide + timely remedies for its attack. A gold box is always placed on the table + with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are of a very moving + quality and speedy operation, called "Peristaltic persuaders." In an + adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as an ordinary washing-tub, + with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper is engaged to be in constant + attendance till the guests depart. + </p> + <p> + "'Gentlemen, I once became a member of a fashionable dinner-club, managed + by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine, and engaged a + culinary artist of established reputation. This club was a diversified + assemblage, consisting of some sprigs of the nobility and a few old + standards; several members of Parliament, who became very troublesome by + repeating the speeches that had been uttered in the house, and were, + besides, always attempting to reform the club. But this was less offensive + to me than others, as I make it a <span class="pagenum">[426]</span> rule + never to attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in + cookery. The remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulous + lawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifying + their appetites by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients. + There is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years, + the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained of + expense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, was accused of + peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestly demonstrating + that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convert sprats into red + mullet. Several members moved off without paying their arrears. The + managing committee disposed of the premises, plate, furniture, and wines, + and pocketed the money; and thus the club was dissolved.' + </p> + <p> + "It was on this occasion that the Doctor proposed his celebrated + 'committee of taste,' with the proceedings of which I shall, perhaps, have + occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted." + </p> + <p> + Gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and Bob felt + complimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies of + Metropolitan Life and Manners. The fine appearance of the morning + determined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as it would + afford Tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases as were + necessary prior to his departure for the country. In passing Covent + Garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesque + assemblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by the + following whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonishing sagacity and + feelings of the monkey species. An itinerant showman, who for some time + past exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stage + in a part of the Market. When his poles and cords were fixed, and the + monkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebrated flying + pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himself with a + bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showman and one + of the monkeys with a glass each; the other monkey however declined taking + any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the pieman served out the + second glass, and the former monkey took his with apparent gladness. The + pieman again seized the monkey <span class="pagenum">[427]</span> who + declined it before, but he still scorned to take any. The by-standers + called out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung it in + his face. Instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was half drunk + by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seized him by + the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirely out, only + for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquish his hold. The + pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to a doctor's shop to get + his arm dressed. + </p> + <p> + Passing on, the next object of attention was the Police office, Bow + Street. Here the party determined to rest for a short time, and after + listening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coach fares, + they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience, by a case, + in which the tables were completely turned upon Mr. Jehu, and which we + hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who have a taste + for swearing and abuse. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0020" id="link42HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + In cities, foul example on most minds + Begets its likeness. Rank abundance breeds + In gross and pamper'd cities sloth and lust, + And wantonness and gluttonous excess. + In cities, vice is hidden with more ease, + Or seen with least reproach; and virtue, taught + By frequent lapse, can hope no triumph there + Beyond th' achievement of successful flight. + I do confess them nurs'ries of the arts, + In which they flourish most; where, in the beams + Of warm encouragement, and in the eye + Of public note, they reach their perfect size. + Such London is, by taste and wealth proclaim'd + The fairest capital of all the world; + By riot and incontinence the worst. +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[428]</span> The arrival of the day for separation + was anticipated, and the morning arose upon Dashall with a gloomy aspect, + originating in the temper of his mind; for he was by no means pleased with + the adventure of Laconic, which operated to prevent his departure with his + friends. Sparkle and Tallyho were, however, upon the alert, and determined + on pursuing their original intentions. Tom had none of his usual vivacity + about him. In vain he tried to muster up his spirits, his attempts at wit + were pointless and did not escape the notice of Sparkle, who secretly + enjoyed his chagrin, feeling assured that as it was created by their + departure, he would not delay joining them longer than necessity + absolutely required. "Why how now, Tom," said Sparkle, "you are out, and + seem to be in queer stirrups, as if you had an uneasy saddle. You seem to + part with your cousin as a young man would with the beloved of his heart." + "I confess I am disappointed," replied Tom. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "But since grieving's a folly, + Why let us be jolly." +</pre> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[429]</span> "I am determined to spend the last + moments with you—so start off the rattle traps, the upper toggery's + and travelling caps, we will take a last turn together, and a parting + dinner and glass of wine at the Bull and Mouth, and I'll warrant you I + won't be long behind. All I regret is, I can't accompany you at present." + Upon this intimation, the remainder of their luggage and clothing were + despatched by a servant, with an order to provide a good dinner for them + at half past five. + </p> + <p> + Things were now all m a fair train, and this business being despatched, + all was anxiety for the arrival of the moment, though with different + sensations; Sparkle to meet his wife, Bob to return to his native home, + and Tom displeased and disappointed in every way, although he determined + to be as agreeable as he could under existing circumstances. Time however + being heavy on their hands, but as Bob was anxious to make a few more + purchases for presents on his return home, they started early for the Bull + and Mouth. + </p> + <p> + "You have now," said Dashall to his cousin, "had some experience in REAL + LIFE IN LONDON, and I have reason to think you will not return to the + country a worse man than you left it. Variety is charming, and the change + from one to the other will give additional zest and pleasure." + </p> + <p> + "I have reason," replied Bob, "to feel myself under a very particular + obligation to you for the excellent care, kindness and attention, as well + as information I have derived, and it cannot easily be obliterated from my + recollection; but I at the same time must observe, that I have no very + great relish for London as a continual residence. When you arrive in the + country I will try if I cannot be as explanatory and amusing. At all + events I expect you will give me the trial. + </p> + <p> + "I'll give you a chevy over the hills, a pop at the pheasants, and a pick + at them afterwards; besides which, you know, we have some very pretty + lasses in our neighbourhood, to whom you have already been introduced, and + to whom you shall be better known." + </p> + <p> + "I know, I know," said Tom, in a hurried manner, which strongly indicated + some other motive for regret than that which arose from mere + disappointment at not being a partner in their journey, and from which + Sparkle did not fail to draw an inference, that some roguish eyes had been + darting their beams into the bosom of his friend. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[430]</span> "I see how it is now," cried Sparkle, + "Tom is not cut but caught, and I'll sport a fifty, that the Evergreen Tom + Dashall, of London, will be transplanted to entwine with some virgin + blossom of the country, before another twelve months." + </p> + <p> + Tom was silent. + </p> + <p> + Tallyho smiled in accordance with the sentiment of Sparkle, and declared + he would not take the bet. + </p> + <p> + "It's of very little use," cried Dashall, recovering himself after a short + pause, "I may as well make a merit of necessity. I confess I have a sort + of a liking for the gay and sprightly Lydia Forcetext, the parson's + daughter; and if—but curse if's—I hate if, I wish there was no + such word in the English language." + </p> + <p> + "Ha, ha, ha!" exclaimed Sparkle, "I thought we should find you out—but + come, I think I may say there is not much for you to fear—if you are + but serious." + </p> + <p> + "It is a serious subject, and if we continue, this conversation I shall + grow downright sentimental—so no more at present—we have not + much time to spare—and as I mean to make use of every minute, let us + look around for any novelty that may occur before your departure." + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Sparkle, "I must say I do not know of any thing so new to me + as the very subject we were upon—but as you wish it dropped—why + e'en let it be so—I have no desire to be either particular or + personal." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And as London's the object we've long had in view, + As long as we can, we'll that object pursue. + And as visions we know have been for an old grudge meant, + We'll make ours a view—not a vision of—judgment. +</pre> + <p> + "Good," said Tom, "and as the lines are extemporaneous we will not be + over-nice in the criticism." + </p> + <p> + "At least," continued Sparkle, "you will admit it is better to be a bad + poet—than a bad man." + </p> + <p> + "Agreed—agreed," replied Tom.—"But who in the name of wonder + have we here—the emperor of hair-dressers and head-cutters turned + print-seller—Why, this was Money's, where I have, before now, had a + clip." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[431]</span> "Nay, nay," said Sparkle, "don't be in + a hurry to form your judgment—his ingenuity is at work, and really + it will be worth while to have a cut all round; for I find he gives a + portrait, displaying the most fashionable Parisian dresses to every + customer. Some you know present bank, or, more properly speaking, flush + notes upon these occasions; but certainly this is a less exceptionable + plan.—What say you?" + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart:" and into the <i>Magazin de Mode</i> they marched; to + which they were welcomed by the artist himself—ushered up stairs + with all due politeness, and in two minutes Sparkle was under his + incomparable hands, while Tom and Bob amused themselves with a peep at the + newspapers and the Gazette of Fashion. + </p> + <p> + "Fine morning, gentlemen," said the friseur. + </p> + <p> + "Is there any news?" asked Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + "We have the Paris papers, Sir, regularly, and a constant supply of + drawings of the newest fashion." + </p> + <p> + "I am more for domestic or home news," continued Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + "Not aware, Sir, of any thing particular—oh, yes; I recollect I was + told last night, over at the Haunch, that the mermaid is discovered." + </p> + <p> + "What," said Tom, "discover a mermaid over a haunch!" laying down the + paper. + </p> + <p> + "Beg pardon, Sir, beg pardon, a trifling mistake, Sir—nothing more—I + usually pass a recreative hour, after my daily studies, at the Haunch of + Venison, over the way: the landlord is an intelligent, accommodating, and + agreeable sort of man, and we have many gentlemen of considerable + consequence, both literary and scientific, who meet there of an evening to + pass a convivial hour—to hear and impart the news; and, Sir, as I + was saying, the mermaid is stated to be a fine hoax upon the credulity of + John Bull, being nothing more than the body or skin of a smoke-dried old + woman, ingeniously connected with the tail of a fish. I don't vouch for + the truth of the report, I only state what I hear, and can only assert + with confidence what I am acquainted with in my own business." + </p> + <p> + "I suspected the mermaid from the first," answered Tom, "I thought there + was some deceit in it." + </p> + <p> + "There is a great deal of deceit in the world, Sir," replied the active + clipper.—"A little Circassian cream, Sir—acknowledged to be + the best article ever produced for the preservation and restoration of + hair." + </p> + <p> + "Certainly," said Sparkle. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[432]</span> In this way our friends obtained a + portion of amusement, and a Corinthian clip from the intelligent and + communicative Mr. Money, of Fleet Street notoriety, in return for which he + touched their coin. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said Dashall, "we will make the best of our way and just call, by + way of taking a lunch, among the lads of Newgate Market. There is a house + where I have been before, in which we can have some very fine home-brewed + ale, &c; and besides, according to the landlord's advertisements, he + has opened an academy, and gives instruction in the art of brewing. The + College of Physicians is just opposite, and I suppose this wag of a + landlord has taken the hint, and opposed his beer to their physic—perhaps + you may wish to carry his valuable receipt into the country with you?" + </p> + <p> + "I have no inclination to turn brewer," replied Sparkle, "but I must + confess I like the idea of a little genuine beer—free from the + poisonous ingredients of the public brewer." + </p> + <p> + "And so do I," continued Tallyho. "Come along, then," said Tom, "the Bell + in Warwick Lane is the shop, where you may be served to a shaving." In + passing along Warwick Lane, Bob observed he thought his friend was leading + him through a not very agreeable neighbourhood. + </p> + <p> + "This place is filled with slaughter-houses, and is to be sure a great + nuisance to the City; yet such places are necessary, therefore bear up a + few minutes, and you will have comfortable house-room and agreeable + refreshment." Entering the Bell, they were met by the landlord of the + house, a round-faced, good-natured, real John-Bull-looking man, who + knowing his customer Dashall, immediately ushered them into the + coffee-room, where being supplied with stout and mutton-chops in high + perfection, they enjoyed themselves with their regale. This done, they had + an opportunity of looking about them. + </p> + <p> + In one corner sat two or three tip-top salesmen of the market, conversing + on the price of meat, while they were devouring a succession of + rump-steaks with most voracious and insatiable appetites. In another was a + hungry author, bargaining with a bookseller of Paternoster Row, for the + sale of a manuscript, by which he expected to realise a dinner. While near + them was an undertaker and a master-builder, vociferating at each other + for interference <span class="pagenum">[433]</span> with their respective + trades, and so far attracting the attention of the bookseller from the + work of the author, that he wished, from the bottom of his heart, "that + one would build a coffin to bury the other:" while the salesmen laughed so + loud at the observations of the controversialists, as almost to make them + wish the subject dead without the hope of resurrection. + </p> + <p> + Bob liked the stout—ordered a replenish, and asked the landlord to + partake. + </p> + <p> + "With all my heart—gentlemen—good health—real malt and + hops, gentlemen—nothing else—all brewed under my own eye—good + ordinary at two—excellent fare—good treatment—comfortable + beds—happy to see you at all times at the Bell brewery." + </p> + <p> + Having proceeded on their journey they shortly found themselves near Bull + and Mouth Street. + </p> + <p> + On their way to the Bull and Mouth, Sparkle made a proposal, which was + cordially acquiesced in by Dashall and his cousin, and a mutual pledge was + given to carry it into effect: this was no other than an agreement to take + a trip over to Dublin in the course of the ensuing winter, in order to + acquire some knowledge of LIFE IN IRELAND. + </p> + <p> + "I have lately," said Sparkle, "been almost convulsed with laughter, even + to the danger of a locked-jaw, by the perusal of a work under this title. + The author, nephew to a late Irish chancellor, is an old acquaintance; + added to which, and the genuine irresistible humour that runs throughout + the work, I feel determined to visit, and have ocular demonstration of + some of the places where these scenes of humour are so admirably + described." + </p> + <p> + On entering Bull and Mouth Street—"Bless me," cried Bob, "this is a + very confined street for such an inn." + </p> + <p> + "Hoy," cried a coachman, rattling along the street in double quick time. + </p> + <p> + "By your leave," bawled a porter with a heavy chest on his back. + </p> + <p> + "We shall certainly either be knocked down, or run over," exclaimed + Tallyho. + </p> + <p> + "Never fear," said Tom, "do but keep your ogles in action, all's right + enough, and we shall soon be safely housed out of the bustle; but before + we enter the house we will just cast our eyes about us. On the right, + after passing the gate, is the coach-offices for receiving, booking, <span + class="pagenum">[434]</span> and delivering parcels, and taking places for + passengers by the various vehicles which start from this place. On the + left is the hotel and coffee-house, where every refreshment and + accommodation may be obtained. The remaining part of the building, + together with several others adjoining, which almost occupy the whole of + this side of the street, are devoted to stables, waggon and coach-houses, + and out-offices." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0005" id="link4image-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img src="images/page434.jpg" alt="Page434.jpg Bull and Mouth Inn " + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + "It is an extensive concern then," said Tallyho, "though it stands in such + an out of the way obscure situation." + </p> + <p> + "Why you are already aware that situation is not absolutely necessary to + success in all cases in London," was the reply. "The extensive circulation + of a name or a sign are sometimes sufficient to obtain business;—and + who has not heard of the Bull and Mouth, or the name of Willan—from + the former runs a considerable number of long stages and mail coaches, + daily and nightly, the proprietor being a contractor with Government; and + upon one occasion it is said, he was in treaty to supply an immense + quantity of horses to convey troops to the coast, on the threatened + invasion by Buonaparte, so that the epithet patriotic might properly be + applied to him. He however is lately deceased, and supposed to have left a + considerable fortune.—But come, dinner is ready—now for the + parting meal, and then heaven speed ye to your destined homes." + </p> + <p> + After partaking of a hearty dinner, and a bottle or two of generous wine—"Come," + said Dashall, "it is time we are alive and look out, for the yard is all + in a bustle; here are lots of coaches preparing for a start, so let us get + out, look around, and see what is going forward." + </p> + <p> + Upon this intimation, they sallied forth to the yard, where the confusion + created by the arrival of one coach heavily laden, and the preparation of + two for departure, afforded a scene for a quiet contemplatist, which + however it is not easy to describe. + </p> + <p> + "Coachman," said an antiquated lady, just alighting, "I paid my fare." + </p> + <p> + "Yes Ma'am, that's all fair," said coachy. + </p> + <p> + "Mind how you hand my dear little boy out of the coach, poor little fellow + he is quite dizzy with riding." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[435]</span> "I thinks as how you had better have + brought a man with you, for you want taking care of yourself," grumbled + coachy, as he handed the young one out.—"There he is Ma'am—stand + upon your pins, my man." + </p> + <p> + "Come Charley—Oh coachy you have got my box in your boot." + </p> + <p> + "Aye, aye, Ma'am, I know it, I wish my boot was in your box—here it + is Ma'am." + </p> + <p> + "Stand bye," said a Jack Tar, "let's have a little sea room, and no + squalls." + </p> + <p> + "Coachy, what a rude fellow that is, he says I squalls." + </p> + <p> + "Never mind him, Ma'am, he is as rough as the element he belongs to—thank + ye Ma'am—that's the time o' day," pocketing a half-crown which she + had just given him. + </p> + <p> + "Here Bill, take this lady's luggage out of the way." + </p> + <p> + "Just going off, Sir—do you go by me?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes," replied Sparkle, "how many have you inside?" + </p> + <p> + "Only four, Sir, and you two make up the number—all ready—Jem, + bear up the leaders." + </p> + <p> + At this moment a hackney coach stopped at the gate, and out jumps a + gentleman who immediately entered into conversation with the coachman. + </p> + <p> + "Can't do it, Sir," said coachy,—"all full—I might manage to + give you an outside passage to be sure." + </p> + <p> + "Well, well, I will make that do, perhaps you can afford an inside birth + part of the journey." + </p> + <p> + "I'll see what I can do, but can't promise—now gentlemen." + </p> + <p> + "Here coachman," said the person desirous of obtaining a passage, tipping + coachy some money. + </p> + <p> + "Aye, aye, that's the way to look at the matter." + </p> + <p> + By this time Tom discovered it was no other than Van Butchell,{1} whom he + observed to Bob, there was little doubt had been summoned on some + desperate case, and must go at all events. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1 It is fortunate for the rising generation, that the late + Martin Van Butchell, not more celebrated for his + eccentricities than bis utility, has not departed from the + world without leaving an able successor to his practice. + Edwin Martin Van Butchell is now almost as well known as his + late father. Such indeed is the estimation of his abilities, + that a large society of journeymen tailors have entered into + a weekly subscription among themselves, in order that their + afflicted brethren may have the benefit of his practical + knowledge and abilities. +</pre> + <p> + "Now, gentlemen, you brush in and I will brush on. Shut the door Dick, all + right—ya—hip." + </p> + <p> + "Adieu, dear Tom," exclaimed Bob. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[436]</span> "Zounds," exclaimed Tom, "the coachman + will hardly allow him to say good bye—well, the dearest friends must + part, so good bye, heaven protect you both." + </p> + <p> + By this time the vehicle was out of the yard. + </p> + <p> + "I don't like it," continued Tom, soliloquizing with himself; "but, + however, as I have bid them adieu for the present, the best thing I can do + is to arrange Laconic's affairs, and then bid adieu to <i>Life in London</i>." + </p> + <p> + The End + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II., by +Pierce Egan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REAL LIFE IN LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 20484-h.htm or 20484-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/4/8/20484/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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