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diff --git a/20484-0.txt b/20484-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..16e0fa2 --- /dev/null +++ b/20484-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,38553 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II., by Pierce Egan + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II. + Or, The Rambles And Adventures Of Bob Tallyho, Esq., And + His Cousin, The Hon. Tom Dashall, Through The Metropolis; + Exhibiting A Living Picture Of Fashionable Characters, + Manners, And Amusements In High And Low Life (1821) + +Author: Pierce Egan + +Illustrator: Heath, Aiken, Dighton, and Rowlandson + +Release Date: January 30, 2007 [EBook #20484] +[Most recently updated: September 21, 2023] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +Produced by: David Widger +Revised by Richard Tonsing. + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REAL LIFE IN LONDON *** + + + + +REAL LIFE IN LONDON + +OR, THE RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OF BOB TALLYHO, ESQ., AND HIS COUSIN, THE +HON. TOM DASHALL, THROUGH THE METROPOLIS; EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE OF +FASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, MANNERS, AND AMUSEMENTS IN HIGH AND LOW LIFE + +By an AMATEUR + + + +“'Tis pleasant through the loop-holes of retreat To peep at such a +world; to see the stir Of the great Babel, and not feel the crowd.” + --Cowper + +[Illustration: titlepage1] + +EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED WITH A SERIES OF + +COLOURED PRINTS, DESIGNED AND ENGRAVED + +BY MESSRS. HEATH, AIKEN, DIGHTON, + +ROWLANDSON, ETC. + +VOLUME I + +A NEW EDITION + +METHUEN & CO. LONDON + +NOTE + +This Issue, first published in 1905, is founded on the Edition printed +for Jones & Co. in the year 1821 + +[Illustration: frontispiece] + +[Illustration: titlepage] + + + CONTENTS: + + Chapter I. + + Seduction from rural simplicity, page 2. Pleasures of the + table, 3. Overpowering oratory, 4. A warm dispute, 5. + Amicable arrangement, 6. + + Chapter II. + + Philosophical reflections, 7. A great master, 8. Modern + jehuism, 9. A coach race, 10. A wood-nymph, 11. Improvements + of the age, 12. An amateur of fashion, 13. Theatrical + criticism, 14. Reflections, 15. + + Chapter III. + + Hyde Park, and its various characters, 16. Sir F----s B---- + tt, 22, Delightful reverie, 23. + + Chapter IV. + + Fresh game sprung, 24. Lord C----e, alias Coal-hole George, + 25. Rot at Carlton Palace, 28. Once-a-week man, 29. Sunday + promenader, 30. How to raise the wind, 31. Lord Cripplegate + and his Cupid, 32. Live fish, 33. Delicacy, 34. A breathless + visitor, 35. + + Chapter V. + + A fashionable introduction, 36. A sparkling subject, 37. The + true spur to genius, 38. An agreeable surprise, 39. A + serious subject, 40. A pleasant fellow, 41. Lively gossip, + 42. Living in style, 43. Modern good breeding, 45. Going to + see “you know who,” 46. + + Chapter VI. + + Early morning amusements, 47. Frightening to death, 48. + Improvements of the age, 49. Preparing for a swell, 50. The + acmé of barberism, 51. A fine specimen of the art, 52. Duels + by Cupid and Apollo, 53. Fashionable news continued, 54. Low + niggardly notions, 55. Scenes from Barber-Ross-a, 56. A snip + of the superfine, 59. The enraged Managers, 60. Cutting out, + and cutting up, 61. The whipstitch mercury, 62. All in the + wrong again, 63. A Venus de Medicis, 64. Delicacy alarmed, + 65. + + Chapter VII. + + Preparing for a ramble, 66. A man of the town, 67. Bond + Street, 68. A hanger on, 70. A man of science, 71. Dandyism, + 72. Dandy heroism, 74. Inebriety reproved, 75. My uncle's + card, 76. St. James's Palace, 77. Pall Mall-Waterloo Place, + etc., 79. An Irish Paddy, 80. Incorrigible prigs, 81. A hue + and cry, 82. A capture, 83. A wake, with an Irish howl, 84. + Vocabulary of the new school, 85. Additional company, 87. + + Chapter VIII. + + Public Office, Bow Street, 88. Irish generosity, 89. A bit + of gig, 90. “I loves fun,” 91. A row with the Charleys, 92. + Judicial sagacity, 93. Watch-house scenes, 94. A rummish + piece of business, 95. The Brown Bear well baited, 96. + Somerset House, 97. An importunate customer, 99. + Peregrinations proposed, 100. + + Chapter IX. + + The Bonassus, 101. A Knight of the New Order, 102. Medical + quacks, 103. Medical (not Tailors') Boards, 105. Superlative + modesty, 106. Hard pulling and blowing, 107. Knightly + medicals, 108. Buffers and Duffers, 109. Extremes of + fortune, 110. Signs of the Times, 111. Expensive spree, 112. + The young Cit, 113. All in confusion, 115. Losses and + crosses, 116. Rum customers, 117. A genteel hop, 118. Max + and music, 119. Amateurs and actors, 120. A well-known + character, 121. Championship, 122. A grand spectacle, 123. + Adulterations, 124. More important discoveries, 125. Wonders + of cast-iron and steam, 126. Shops of the new school, 127. + Irish paper-hanging, 128. + + Chapter X. + + Heterogeneous mass, 129. Attractions of the theatre, 130. + Tragedy talk, 131. Authors and actors, 132. Chancery + injunctions, 133. Olympic music, 134. Dandy larks and + sprees, 135. The Theatre, 136. Its splendid establishment, + 137. Nymphs of the saloon, 138. Torments of love and gout, + 139. Prostitution, 140. A shameful business, 141. Be gone, + dull care, 142. Convenient refreshment, 143. A lushy cove, + 144. The sleeper awake, 145. All on lire, 146. A short + parley, 147. + + Chapter XI. + + Fire, confusion and alarm, 148. Snuffy tabbies and boosy + kids, 149. A cooler for hot disputes, 150. An overturned + Charley, 151. Resurrection rigs, 152. Studies from life, + 154. An agreeable situation, 155. A nocturnal visit to a + lady, 156. Sharp's the word, 157. Frolicsome fellows, 158. + Retirement, 159. + + Chapter XII. + + Tattersall's, 160. Friendly dealings, 161. Laudable company, + 162. The Sportsman's exchange, 163. An unlimited order, 164. + How to ease heavy pockets, 165. Body-snatchers and Bum- + traps, 166. The Sharps and the Flats, 167. A secret + expedition, 168. A pleasant rencontre, 169. Accommodating + friends, 170. The female banker, 171. A buck of the first + cut, 172. A highly finished youth, 173. An addition to the + party, 174. + + Chapter XIII. + + A promenade, 175. Something the matter, 176. Quizzical hits, + 177. London friendship, 178. Fashion versus Reason, 179. + Dinners of the Ton, 180. Brilliant mob of a ball-room, 181. + What can the matter be? 182. Something-A-Miss, 183. + + Chapter XIV. + + The centre of attraction, 185. The circulating library, 186. + Library wit, 187. Fitting on the cap, 188. Breaking up, 189. + Gaming, 190. Hells-Greeks-Black-legs, 191. How to become a + Greek, 192. Valuable instructions, 193. Gambling-house à la + Française, 194. Visitors' cards, 195. Opening scene, 196. + List of Nocturnal Hells, 197. Rouge et Noir Tables, 198. + Noon-day Hells, 199. Hell broke up, and the devil to pay, + 200. A story, 202. Swindling Jews, 205. Ups and downs, 206. + High fellows, 207. Mingled company, 208. Severe studies, + 209. + + Chapter XV. + + Newspaper recreations, 210. Value of Newspapers, 211. Power + of imagination, 212. Rich bill of fare, 213. Proposed Review + of the Arts, 214. Demireps and Cyprians, 215. Dashing + characters, 216. Female accommodations, 217. Rump and dozen, + 218. Maggot race for a hundred, 219. Prime gig, larks and + sprees, 220. Female jockeyship, 221. Delicate amusements for + the fair sex, 222. Female life in London, 224. Ciphers in + society, 225. Ciphers of all sorts, 226. Hydraulics, 227. + Watery humours, 228. General street engagement, 229. Harmony + restored, 230. + + Chapter XVI. + + The double disappointment, 231. Heading made easy, 232. + Exhibition of Engravings, 233. How to cut a dash, 235. + Dashing attitude, costume, etc., 236. A Dasher-Street- + walking, etc., 237. Dancing--“all the go,” 238. Exhibition, + Somerset House, 239. Royal Academy, Somerset House, 240. The + Sister Arts, 241. Character-Caricature, etc., 242. Moral + tendency of the Arts, 243. Fresh game sprung, 244. Law and + Lawyers, 245. Law qualifications, 247. Benchers, 248. Temple + Libraries-Church, 249. St. Dunstan's Bell-thumpers, 250. + Political Cobbler, 251. Coffee-houses, 252. Metropolitan + accommodations, 253. Chop-house delights and recreations, + 254. Daffy's Elixir, Blue Ruin, etc., 256. The Queen's gin- + shop, 257. + + Chapter XVII. + + Globe Coffee-house, 258. A humorous sort of fellow, 259. A + Punster, 260. Signals and Signs, 261. Disconcerted + Professors, 262. A learned Butcher, 263. A successful + stratagem, 264. A misconception, 265. A picture of London, + 266. All in high glee, 268. + + Chapter XVIII. + + A Slap at Slop, 269. A Nondescript, 270. Romanis, 271. Bow + steeple-Sir Chris. Wren, 272. The Temple of Apollo, 273. + Caricatures, 274. Rich stores of literature, 275. Pulpit + oratory, 276. Seven reasons, 277. Street impostors and + impositions, 278. Impudent beggars, 280. Wise men of the + East, 281. A Royal Visitor and Courtier reproved, 282. + Confusion of tongues, 284. Smoking and drinking, 285. + Knights of the Round Table, 286. The joys of milling, 287. + Noses and nosegays, 288. A Bumpkin in town, 289. Piggish + propensities, 2907 Joys of the bowl, 291. + + Chapter XIX. + + Jolly boys, 292. Dark-house Lane, 293. A breeze sprung up, + 294. Business done in a crack, 295. Billingsgate, 296. + Refinements in language, 297. Real Life at Billingsgate, + 298. The Female Fancy, 299. The Custom House, Long Room, + etc., 300. Greeting mine host, 302. A valuable customer, + 303. A public character, 304. + + Chapter xx. + + The Tower of London, 305. Confusion of titles, 306. Interior + of the Trinity House, 307. Rag Fair commerce, 308. Itinerant + Jews and Depredators, 309. Lamentable state of the Jews, + 310. Duke's Place and Synagogue, 311. Portuguese Jews, 312. + Bank of England, 313. An eccentric character, 314. + Lamentable effects of forgery, 315. Singular alteration of + mind, 316. Imaginary wealth, 317. Joint Stock Companies, + 318. Auction Mart-Courtois, 319. Irresistible arguments, + 320. Wealth without pride, 321. Royal Exchange, 322. A + prophecy fulfilled, 323. Lloyd's-Gresham Lecture, etc., 324. + The essential requisite, 325. Egress by storm, 326. + + Chapter XXI. + + Incident “ad infinitum,” 327. A distressed Poet, 328. + Interesting calculations, 329. Ingenuity in puffing, 330. + Blacking maker's Lauréat, 331. Miseries of literary + pursuits, 332. Suttling house, Horse Guards, 333. Merits of + two heroes, 334. Hibernian eloquence, 335. A pertinacious + Disputant, 336. Peace restored-Horse Guards, 337. Old + habits-The Miller's horse, 338. Covent Garden-Modern Drury, + 339 A more than Herculean labour, 340. Police Office scene, + 341. Bartholomew Fair, 342. A Knight of the Needle, 343. + Variance of opinion, 344. A visit to the Poet, 345. Produce + of literary pursuits, 346. Quantum versus Quality, 347. + Publishing by subscription, 348. Wealth and ignorance, 349. + Mutual gratification, 350. + + Chapter XXII. + + Symptoms of alarm, 351. Parties missing, 352. A strange + world, 353. Wanted, and must come, 354. Expectation alive, + 355. A cure for melancholy, 356. Real Life a game, 357. The + game over, 358. Money-dropping arts, 359. Dividing a prize, + 360. The Holy Alliance broke up, 361. New method of Hat + catching, 362. Dispatching a customer, 363. Laconic + colloquy, 364. Barkers, 365. A mistake corrected, 366. + Pawnbrokers, 367. The biter bit, 368. Miseries of + prostitution, 369. Wardrobe accommodations, 370. New species + of depredation, 371. + + Chapter XXIII. + + The Lock-up House, 372. Real Life with John Doe, etc., 373. + Every thing done by proxy, 374. Lottery of marriage, 375. + Sharp-shooting and skirmishing, 376. A fancy sketch, 377. + The universal talisman, 378. Living within bounds, 379. How + to live for ten years, 380. An accommodating host, 381. Life + in a lock-up house, 382. + + Chapter XXIV. + + A successful election, 383. Patriotic intentions, 384. + Political dinner, 385. Another bear-garden, 386. Charley's + theatre, 387. Bear-baiting sports, 388. The coronation, 389. + Coronation splendour, 390. + + Chapter XXV. + + Fancy sports, 392. Road to a fight, 393. New sentimental + journey, 394. Travelling chaff, 395. Humours of the road, + 396. Lads of the fancy, 397. Centre of attraction, 398. A + force march, 399. Getting to work, 400. True game, 401. The + sublime and beautiful, 402. All's well-good night, 403. + + Chapter XXVI. + + Promenading reflections, 404. Anticipation, 405. Preliminary + observations, 406. Characters in masquerade, 407. Irish + sympathy, 408. Whimsicalities of character, 409. Masquerade + characters, 410. The watchman, 411. New characters, 412. The + sport alive, 413. Multifarious amusements, 414. Doctors + disagree, 415. Israelitish honesty, 416. + + Chapter XXVII. + + Ideal enjoyments, 417. A glance at new objects, 418. Street- + walking nuisances, 419. Cries of London-Mud-larks, etc., + 420. The Monument, 421. London Stone, 422. General Post- + Office, 423. Preparations for returning, 424. So endeth the + volume, 425. + + + +LIST OF THE PLATES + + The Principal Characters presented to Public Exhibition + throughout Real Life in London Frontispiece. + + Illustrated Title Page. + + Hyde Park 16 + + Epsom Races 44 + + Fives Court 71 + + LEVEE, Carlton House 79 + + Tom and Bob catching a Charley napping 92 + + Theatre 130 + + Lobby at Drury Lane 138 + + Tattersall's 160 + + Modern Hell 196 + + Exhibition, Somerset House 240 + + Road to a Fight (Plate 1.) 286 + + Billingsgate 298 + + Political Dinner 385 + + Charley's Theatre 387 + + Coronation 390 + + Road to a Fight (Plate 2.) 398 + + Private Turn-up 402 + + Masquerade 410 + + + + +REAL LIFE IN LONDON + + + + +CHAPTER I + + Triumphant returning at night with the spoil, + Like Bachanals, shouting and gay: + How sweet with a bottle and song to refresh, + And lose the fatigues of the day. + With sport, wit, and wine, fickle fortune defy, + Dull 'wisdom all happiness sours; + Since Life is no more than a passage at best, + Let's strew the way over with flowers. + +~1~~“THEY order these things better in London,” replied the Hon. Tom +Dashall, to an old weather-beaten sportsman, who would fain have made a +convert of our London _Sprig of Fashion_ to the sports and delights of +rural life. The party were regaling themselves after the dangers and +fatigues of a very hard day's fox-chace; and, while the sparkling glass +circulated, each, anxious to impress on the minds of the company the +value of the exploits and amusements in which he felt most delight, +became more animated and boisterous in his oratory--forgetting that +excellent regulation which forms an article in some of the rules and +orders of our “_Free and Easies_” in London, “that no more than three +gentlemen shall be allowed to speak at the same time.” The whole party, +consisting of fourteen, like a pack in full cry, had, with the kind +assistance of the “rosy god,” become at the same moment most animated, +not to say vociferous, orators. The young squire, Bob Tally ho, (as he +was called) of Belville Hall, who had recently come into possession of +this fine and extensive domain, was far from feeling indifferent to the +pleasures of a sporting life, and, in the chace, had even acquired the +reputation of being a “keen sportsman:” but the regular intercourse +which took place between him and his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, of +Bond Street notoriety, had in ~2~~some measure led to an indecision +of character, and often when perusing the lively and fascinating +descriptions which the latter drew of the passing scenes in the +gay metropolis, Bob would break out into an involuntary exclamation +of--“Curse me, but after all, this only is Real Life; “--while, for the +moment, horses, dogs, and gun, with the whole paraphernalia of +sporting, were annihilated. Indeed, to do justice to his elegant +and highly-finished friend, these pictures were the production of a +master-hand, and might have made a dangerous impression on minds +more stoical and determined than that of Bob's. The opera, theatres, +fashionable pursuits, characters, objects, &c. all became in succession +the subjects of his pen; and if lively description, blended with +irresistible humour and sarcastic wit, possessed any power of seduction, +these certainly belonged to Bob's honourable friend and relative, as an +epistolary correspondent. The following Stanzas were often recited by +him with great feeling and animation:-- + + Parent of Pleasure and of many a groan, + I should be loath to part with thee, I own, + Dear Life! + To tell the truth, I'd rather lose a _wife_, + Should Heav'n e'er deem me worthy of possessing + That best, that most invaluable blessing. + I thank thee, that thou brought'st me into being; + The things of this our world are well worth seeing; + And let me add, moreover, well worth feeling; + Then what the Devil would people have? + These gloomy hunters of the grave, + For ever sighing, groaning, canting, kneeling. + Some wish they never had been born, how odd! + To see the handy works of God, + In sun and moon, and starry sky; + Though last, not least, to see sweet Woman's charms,-- + Nay, more, to clasp them in our arms, + And pour the soul in love's delicious sigh, + Is well worth coming for, I'm sure, + Supposing that thou gav'st us nothing more. + Yet, thus surrounded, Life, dear Life, I'm thine, + And, could I always call thee mine, + I would not quickly bid this world farewell; + But whether here, or long or short my stay, + I'll keep in mind for ev'ry day + An old French motto, “_Vive la bagatelle!_” + Misfortunes are this lottery-world's sad blanks; + Presents, in my opinion, not worth thanks. + The pleasures are the twenty thousand prizes, + Which nothing but a _downright ass_ despises. + +It was not, however, the mere representations of Bob's friend, with +which, (in consequence of the important result,) we commenced our +chapter, that produced the powerful effect of fixing the wavering mind +of Bob--No, it was the air--the manner--the _je ne sais quoi_, by which +these representations were accompanied: the curled lip of contempt, and +the eye, measuring as he spoke, from top to toe, his companions, with +the cool elegant sang froid and self-possession displayed in his own +person and manner, which became a _fiat_ with Bob, and which effected +the object so long courted by his cousin. + +After the manner of Yorick (though, by the bye, no sentimentalist) Bob +thus reasoned with himself:--“If an acquaintance with London is to give +a man these airs of superiority--this ascendancy--elegance of manners, +and command of enjoyments--why, London for me; and if pleasure is the +game in view, there will I instantly pursue the sport.” + +The song and toast, in unison with the sparkling glass, followed each +other in rapid succession. During which, our elegant London visitor +favoured the company with the following effusion, sung in a style equal +to (though unaccompanied with the affected airs and self-importance of) +a first-rate professor:-- + + SONG. + + If to form and distinction, in town you would bow, + Let appearance of wealth be your care: + If your friends see you live, not a creature cares how, + The question will only be, Where? + A circus, a polygon, crescent, or place, + With ideas of magnificence tally; + Squares are common, streets queer, but a lane's a disgrace; + And we've no such thing as an alley. + A first floor's pretty well, and a parlour so so; + But, pray, who can give themselves airs, + Or mix with high folks, if so vulgarly low + To live up in a two pair of stairs? + The garret, excuse me, I mean attic floor, + (That's the name, and it's right you should know it,) + Would he tenantless often; but genius will soar, + And it does very well for a poet. + +These amusements of the table were succeeded by a most stormy and +lengthened debate, (to use a parliamentary phrase) during which, Bob's +London friend had with daring heroism opposed the whole of the party, +in supporting the superiority of Life in London over every pleasure +the country could afford. After copious libations to Bacchus, whose +influence at length effected what oratory had in vain essayed, and +silenced these contending and jarring elements, “grey-eyed Morn” peeped +intrusively amid the jovial crew, and Somnus, (with the cart before the +horse) stepping softly on tip-toe after his companion, led, if not by, +at least accompanied with, the music of the nose, each to his snoring +pillow. + +----“Glorious resolve!” exclaimed Tom, as soon as his friend had next +morning intimated his intention,--“nobly resolved indeed!--“What! shall +he whom Nature has formed to shine in the dance and sparkle in the +ring--to fascinate the fair--lead and control the fashions--attract the +gaze and admiration of the surrounding crowd!--shall he pass a life, or +rather a torpid existence, amid country bumpkins and Johnny-raws? Forbid +it all ye powers that rule with despotic sway where Life alone is to +be found,--forbid it cards--dice--balls--fashion, and ye gay et +coteras,--forbid”----“Pon my soul,” interrupted Bob, “you have +frightened me to death! I thought you were beginning an Epic,--a thing +I abominate of all others. I had rather at any time follow the pack on +a foundered horse than read ten lines of Homer; so, my dear fellow, +descend for God's sake from the Heroics.” + + Calmly let me, at least, begin Life's chapter, + Not panting for a hurricane of rapture; + Calm let me step--not riotous and jumping: + With due decorum, let my heart + Try to perform a sober part, + Not at the ribs be ever bumping--bumping. + Rapture's a charger--often breaks his girt, + Runs oft”, and flings his rider in the dirt. + +~5~~“However, it shall be so: adieu, my dear little roan +filly,--Snow-ball, good by,--my new patent double-barrelled +percussion--ah, I give you all up!--Order the tandem, my dear Tom, +whenever you please; whisk me up to the fairy scenes you have so often +and admirably described; and, above all things, take me as an humble and +docile pupil under your august auspices and tuition.” Says Tom, “thou +reasonest well.” + +The rapidity with which great characters execute their determinations +has been often remarked by authors. The dashing tandem, with its +beautiful high-bred bits of blood, accompanied by two grooms on +horsebaek in splendid liveries, stood at the lodge-gate, and our heroes +had only to bid adieu to relatives and friends, and commence their rapid +career. + +Before we start on this long journey of one hundred and eighty miles, +with the celerity which is unavoidable in modern travelling, it may be +prudent to ascertain that our readers are still in company, and that we +all start fairly together; otherwise, there is but little probability +of our ever meeting again on the journey;--so now to satisfy queries, +remarks, and animadversions. + +“Why, Sir, I must say it is a new way of introducing a story, and +appears to me very irregular.--What! tumble your hero neck and heels +into the midst of a drunken fox-hunting party, and then carry him +off from his paternal estate, without even noticing his ancestors, +relatives, friends, connexions, or prospects--without any description +of romantic scenery on the estate--without so much as an allusion to the +female who first kindled in his breast the tender passion, or a detail +of those incidents with which it is usually connected!--a strange, very +strange way indeed this of commencing.” + +“My dear Sir, I agree with you as to the deviation from customary rules: +but allow me to ask,--is not one common object--amusement, all we have +in view? Suppose then, by way of illustration, you were desirous of +arriving at a given place or object, to which there were several roads, +and having traversed one of these till the monotony of the scene had +rendered every object upon it dull and wearisome, would you quarrel with +the traveller who pointed out another road, merely because it was a new +one? Considering the impatience of our young friends, the one to return +to scenes in which alone he can ~6~~live, and the other to realize +ideal dreams of happiness, painted in all the glowing tints that a +warm imagination and youthful fancy can pourtray, it will be impossible +longer to continue the argument. Let me, therefore, entreat you to cut +it short--accompany us in our rapid pursuit after Life in London; nor +risk for the sake of a little peevish criticism, the cruel reflection, +that by a refusal, you would, probably, be in _at the death_ of the +Author--by Starvation.” + + + + +CHAPTER II + + “The panting steed the hero's empire feel, + Who sits triumphant o'er the flying wheel, + And as he guides it through th' admiring throng, + With what an air he holds the reins, and smacks the silken thong!” + +ORDINARY minds, in viewing distant objects, first see the obstacles that +intervene, magnify the difficulty of surmounting them, and sit down in +despair. The man of genius with his mind's-eye pointed steadfastly, like +the needle towards the pole, on the object of his ambition, meets and +conquers every difficulty in detail, and the mass dissolves before +him as the mountain snow yields, drop by drop, to the progressive but +invincible operation of the solar beam. Our honourable friend was well +aware that a perfect knowledge of the art of driving, and the character +of a “_first-rate whip_,” were objects worthy his ambition; and that, +to hold four-in-hand--turn a corner in style--handle the reins in +form--take a fly off the tip of his leader's ear--square the elbows, and +keep the wrists pliant, were matters as essential to the formation of a +man of fashion as _dice or milling_: it was a principle he had long laid +down and strictly adhered to, that whatever tended to the completion +of that character, should be acquired to the very acmé of perfection, +without regard to ulterior consequences, or minor pursuits. + +In an early stage, therefore, of his fashionable course of studies, +the whip became an object of careful solicitude; and after some private +tuition, he first exhibited his prowess about twice a week, on the +box of a Windsor stage, tipping coachy a crown for the indulgence and +improvement it afforded. Few could boast of being more fortunate +during a noviciate: two overturns only occurred in the whole course of +practice, and except the trifling accident of an old lady being killed, +a shoulder or two dislocated, and about half a dozen legs and arms +~8~~broken, belonging to people who were not at all known in high +life, nothing worthy of notice may be said to have happened on these +occasions. 'Tis true, some ill-natured remarks appeared in one of the +public papers, on the “conduct of coachmen entrusting the reins to +young practitioners, and thus endangering the lives of his majesty's +subjects;” but these passed off like other philanthropic suggestions of +the day, unheeded and forgotten. + +The next advance of our hero was an important step. The mail-coach is +considered the school; its driver, the great master of the art--the +_Phidias_ of the statuary--the _Claude_ of the landscape-painter. To +approach him without preparatory instruction and study, would be like +an attempt to copy the former without a knowledge of anatomy, or the +latter, while ignorant of perspective. The standard of excellence--the +model of perfection, all that the highest ambition can attain, is to +approach as near as possible the original; to attempt a deviation, would +be to _bolt out of the course, snap the curb, and run riot_. Sensible +of the importance of his character, accustomed to hold the reins of +arbitrary power; and seated where will is law, the mail-whip carries +in his appearance all that may be expected from his elevated situation. +Stern and sedate in his manner, and given to taciturnity, he speaks +sententiously, or in monosyllables. If he passes on the road even an +humble follower of the profession, with four tidy ones in hand, he +views him with ineffable contempt, and would consider it an irreparable +disgrace to appear conscious of the proximity. Should it be a country +gentleman of large property and influence, and he held the reins, +and handled the whip with a knowledge of the art, so to “get over the +ground,” coachy might, perhaps, notice him “_en passant_,” by a slight +and familiar nod; but it is only the peer, or man of first-rate sporting +celebrity, that is honoured with any thing like a familiar mark of +approbation and acquaintance; and these, justly appreciating the proud +distinction, feel higher gratification by it than any thing the monarch +could bestow: it is an inclination of the head, not forward, in the +manner of a nod, but towards the off shoulder, accompanied with a +certain jerk and elevation from the opposite side. But here neither pen +nor pencil can depict; it belongs to him alone whose individual powers +can nightly keep the house ~9~~in a roar, to catch the living manner and +present it to the eye. + + “----A merrier man + + Within the limit of becoming mirth, + I never spent an hour's talk withall: + His eye begets occasion for his wit; + For every object that the one doth catch + The other turns to a mirth-moving jest.” + +And now, gentle reader, if the epithet means any thing, you cannot but +feel disposed to good humour and indulgence: Instead of rattling you +off, as was proposed at our last interview, and whirling you at the +rate of twelve miles an hour, exhausted with fatigue, and half _dead_ +in pursuit of _Life_, we have proceeded gently along the road, amusing +ourselves by the way, rather with drawing than driving. 'Tis high time, +however, we made some little progress in our journey: “Come Bob, +take the reins--push on--keep moving--touch up the leader into a +hand-gallop--give Snarler his head--that's it my tight one, keep out of +the ruts--mind your quartering--not a gig, buggy, tandem, or tilbury, +have we yet seen on the road--what an infernal place for a human +being to inhabit!--curse me if I had not as lief emigrate to the back +settlements of America: one might find some novelty and amusement +there--I'd have the woods cleared--cut out some turnpike-roads, and, +like Palmer, start the first mail”----“Stop, Tom, don't set off yet +to the Illinois--here's something ahead, but what the devil it is I +cant guess--why it's a barge on wheels, and drove four-in-hand.”--“Ha, +ha--barge indeed, Bob, you seem to know as much about coaches as Snarler +does of Back-gammon: I suppose you never see any thing in this quarter +but the old heavy Bridgewater--why we have half a dozen new launches +every week, and as great a variety of names, shape, size, and colour, +as there are ships in the navy--we have the heavy coach, light coach, +Caterpillar, and Mail--the Balloon, Comet, Fly, Dart, Regulator, +Telegraph, Courier, Times, High-flyer, Hope, with as many others as +would fill a list as long as my tandem-whip. What you now see is one of +the _new patent safety-coaches_--you can't have an overturn if you're +ever so disposed for a spree. The old city cormorants, after a gorge of +mock-turtle, turn into them for a journey, and drop off in a ~~10~~nap, +with as much confidence of security to their neck and limbs as if they +had mounted a rocking-horse, or drop't into an arm-chair.”--“Ah! come, +the scene improves, and becomes a little like Life--here's a dasher +making up to the Safety--why its--no, impossible--can't be--gad it +is tho'--the Dart, by all that's good! and drove by Hell-fire +Dick!--there's a fellow would do honour to any box--drove the Cambridge +Fly three months--pass'd every thing on the road, and because he +overturned in three or four hard matches, the stupid rascals of +proprietors moved him off the ground. Joe Spinum, who's at Corpus +Christi, matched Dick once for 50, when he carried five inside +and thirteen at top, besides heavy luggage, against the other +Cambridge--never was a prettier race seen at Newmarket--Dick must +have beat hollow, but a d----d fat alderman who was inside, and felt +alarmed at the velocity of the vehicle, moved to the other end of the +seat: this destroyed the equilibrium--over they went, into a four-feet +ditch, and Joe lost his match. However, he had the satisfaction of +hearing afterwards, that the old cormorant who occasioned his loss, had +nearly burst himself by the concussion.” + +“See, see!--Dick's got up to, and wants to give the Safety the go +by--gad, its a race--go it Dick--now Safety--d----d good cattle +both--lay it in to 'em Dick--leaders neck and neck--pretty race +by G----! Ah, its of no use Safety--Dick wont stand it--a dead +beat--there she goes--all up--over by Jove “----“I can't see for that +tree--what do you say Tom, is the race over?”--“Race, ah! and the coach +too--knew Dick would beat him--would have betted the long odds the +moment I saw it was him.” + +The tandem had by this time reached the race-course, and the disaster +which Tom had hardly thought worth noticing in his lively description of +the sport, sure enough had befallen the _new 'patent Safety_, which was +about mid way between an upright and a side position, supported by the +high and very strong quicksett-hedge against which it hath fallen. Our +heroes dismounted, left Flip at the leader's head, and with Ned, the +other groom, proceeded to offer their services. Whilst engaged in +extricating the horses, which had become entangled in their harness, and +were kicking and plunging, their attention was arrested by the screams +and outrageous vociferations of a very fat, middle-aged woman, who +had ~11~~been jerked from her seat on the box to one not quite so +smooth--the top of the hedge, which, with the assistance of an old alder +tree, supported the coach. Tom found it impossible to resist the violent +impulse to risibility which the ludicrous appearance of the old lady +excited, and as no serious injury was sustained, determined to enjoy the +fun. + + “If e'er a pleasant mischief sprang to view, + At once o'er hedge and ditch away he flew, + Nor left the game till he had run it down.” + +Approaching her with all the gravity of countenance he was master +of--“Madam,” says he, “are we to consider you as one of the Sylvan +Deities who preside over these scenes, or connected in any way with the +vehicle?”--“Wehicle, indeed, you _hunhuman-brutes_, instead of assisting +a poor distressed female who has been chuck'd from top of that there +_safety-thing_, as they calls it, into such a dangerous _pisition_, you +must be chuckling and grinning, must you? I only wish my husband, Mr. +Giblet, was here, he should soon wring your necks, and pluck some of +your fine feathers for you, and make you look as foolish as a peacock +without his tail.” Mrs. Giblet's ire at length having subsided, she was +handed down in safety on _terra firma_, and our heroes transferred their +assistance to the other passengers. The violence of the concussion had +burst open the coach-door on one side, and a London _Dandy_, of the +exquisite genus, lay in danger of being pressed to a jelly beneath the +weight of an infirm and very stout old farmer, whom they had pick'd up +on the road; and it was impossible to get at, so as to afford relief to +the sufferers, till the coach was raised in a perpendicular position. +The farmer was no sooner on his legs, than clapping his hand with +anxious concern into an immense large pocket, he discovered that a +bottle of brandy it contained was crack'd, and the contents beginning to +escape: “I ax pardon, young gentleman,” says he, seizing a hat that the +latter held with great care in his hand, and applying it to catch the +liquor--“I ax pardon for making so free, but I see the hat is a little +out of order, and can't be much hurt; and its a pity to waste the +liquor, such a price as it is now-a-days.”--“Sir, what do you mean, +shouldn't have thought of your taking such liberties indeed, but makes +good the old saying--impudence and ~12~~ignorance go together: my hat +out of order, hey! I'd have you to know, Sir, that _that there_ hat +was bought of Lloyd, in Newgate-street,{1} only last Thursday,-and cost +eighteen shillings; and if you look at the book in his _vindow_ on +hats, dedicated to the head, you'll find that this here hat is a real +exquisite; so much for what you know about hats, my old fellow--I burst +my stays all to pieces in saving it from being squeezed out of shape, +and now this old brute has made a brandy-bottle of it.”--“Oh! oh! my +young Miss in disguise,” replied the farmer, “I thought I smelt a +rat when the Captain left the coach, under pretence of walking up the +hill--what, I suppose vou are bound for Gretna, both of vou, hev young +Lady?” + +Every thing appertaining to the coach being now righted, our young +friends left the company to adjust their quarrels and pursue their +journey at discretion, anxious to reach the next town as expeditiously +as possible, where they purposed sleeping for the night. They mounted +the tandem, smack went the whip, and in a few minutes the stage-coach +and its motley group had disappeared. + +Having reached their destination, and passed the night comfortably, they +next morning determined to kill an hour or two in the town; and were +taking a stroll arm in arm, when perceiving by a playbill, that an +amateur of fashion from the theatres royal, Drury Lane and Haymarket, +was just _come in_, and would shortly _come out_, + + 1 It would be injustice to great talents, not to notice, + among other important discoveries and improvements of the + age, the labours of Lloyd, who has classified and arranged + whatever relates to that necessary article of personal + elegance, the Hat. He has given the world a volume on the + subject of Hats, dedicated to their great patron, the Head, + in which all the endless varieties of shape, dependent + before on mere whim and caprice, are reduced to fixed + principles, and designated after the great characters by + which each particular fashion was first introduced. The + advantages to gentlemen residing in the country must be + incalculable: they have only to refer to the engravings in + Mr. Lloyd's work, where every possible variety is clearly + defined, and to order such as may suit the rank or character + in life they either possess, or wish to assume. The + following enumeration comprises a few of the latest fashions: + --The Wellington--The Regent--The Caroline--The + Bashful--The Dandy--The Shallow--The Exquisite--The Marquis + --The New Dash--The Clerieus--The Tally-ho--The Noble Lord-- + The Taedum--The Bang-up--The Irresistible--The Bon Ton--The + Paris Beau--The Baronet--The Eccentric--The Bit of Blood, + &c. + +~13~~in a favourite character, they immediately directed their steps +towards a barn, with the hope of witnessing a rehearsal. Chance +introduced them to the country manager, and Tom having asked several +questions about this candidate, was assured by Mr. Mist: + +“Oh! he is a gentleman-performer, and very useful to us managers, for he +not only finds his own dresses and properties, but 'struts and frets +his hour on the stage without any emoluments. His aversion to salary +recommended him to the lessee of Drury-lane theatre, though his services +had been previously rejected by the sub-committee.” + +“Can it be that game-cock, the gay Lothario,” said Tom, “who sports an +immensity of diamonds?”-- + +Of Coates's frolics he of course well knew, Rare pastime for the +ragamuffin crew! Who welcome with the crowing of a cock, This hero of +the buskin and sock. + +“Oh! no,” rejoined Mr. Mist, “that cock don't crow now: this gentleman, +I assure you, has been at a theatrical school; he was instructed by the +person who made Master Bettv a young Roscius.” + +Tom shook his head, as if he doubted the abilities of this instructed +actor. To be a performer, he thought as arduous as to be a poet; and +if _poeta nascitur, non fit_--consequently an actor must have natural +abilities. + +“And pray what character did this gentleman enact at Drury-lane +Theatre?” + +“Hamlet, Prince of Denmark,” answered Mr. Mist--“Shakespeare is his +favourite author.” + +“And what said the critics--'to be, or not to be'--I suppose he repeated +the character?” + +“Oh! Sir, it was stated in the play-bill, that he met with great +applause, and he was announced for the character again; but, as the Free +List was not suspended, and our amateur dreaded some hostility from that +quarter, he performed the character by proxy, and repeated it at the +Little Theatre in the Haymarket.” + +“Then the gentlemen of the Free List,” remarked Bob, “are free and +easy?” + +“Yes--yes--they laugh and cough whenever they please: indeed, they are +generally excluded whenever a ~14~~full house is expected, as _ready +money_ is an object to the poor manager of Drury-lane Theatre. The +British Press, however, is always excepted.” + +“The British press!--Oh! you mean the newspapers,” exclaimed Tom--“then +I dare say they were very favourable to this Amateur of Fashion?” + +“No--not very--indeed; they don't join the manager in his puffs, +notwithstanding his marked civility to them: one said he was a methodist +preacher, and sermonized the character--another assimilated him to a +school-boy saying his lesson--in short, they were very ill-natured--but +hush--here he is--walk in, gentlemen, and you shall hear him rehearse +some of King Richard”-- + +“King Richard!” What ambition! thought Bob to himself--“late a Prince, +and now--a king!” + +“I assure you,” continued Mr. Mist, “that all his readings are new; but +according to my humble observation, his action does not always suit the +word--for when he exclaims--' may Hell make crook'd my mind,' he looks +up to Heaven”-- + +“Looks up to Heaven!” exclaimed Tom; “then this London star makes a +solecism with his eyes.” + +Our heroes now went into the barn, and took a private corner, when they +remained invisible. Their patience was soon exhausted, and Bob and his +honourable cousin were both on the fidgits, when the representative of +King Richard exclaimed-- + +“Give me a horse----” + +“--Whip!” added Tom with stunning vociferation, before King Richard +could bind up his wounds. The amateur started, and betrayed consummate +embarrassment, as if the horsewhip had actually made its entrance. Tom +and his companion stole away, and left the astounded monarch with the +words--“twas all a dream.” + +While returning to the inn, our heroes mutually commented on the +ambition and folly of those amateurs of fashion, who not only sacrifice +time and property, but absolutely take abundant pains to render +themselves ridiculous. “Certainly,” says Tom, “this _cacoethes ludendi_ +has made fools of several: this infatuated youth though not possessed +of a single requisite for the stage, no doubt flatters himself he is +a second Kean; and, regardless ~15~~of his birth and family, he will +continue his strolling life + + Till the broad shame comes staring in his face, + And critics hoot the blockhead as he struts.” + +Having now reached the inn, and finding every thing adjusted for their +procedure, our heroes mounted their vehicle, and went in full gallop for +Real Life in London. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + “Round, round, and round-about, they whiz, they fly, + With eager worrying, whirling here and there, + They know, nor whence, nor whither, where, nor why. + In utter hurry-scurry, going, coming, + Maddening the summer air with ceaseless humming.” + +~16~~OUR travellers now approached at a rapid rate, the desideratim +of their eager hopes and wishes: to one all was novel, wonderful, and +fascinating; to the other, it was the welcome return to an old and +beloved friend, the separation from whom had but increased the ardour +of attachment.--“We, now,” says Dashall, “are approaching Hyde-Park, +and being Sunday, a scene will at once burst upon you, far surpassing +in reality any thing I have been able to pourtray, notwithstanding +the flattering compliments you have so often paid to my talents for +description.” + +[Illustration: page16 Hyde-Park] + +They had scarcely entered the Park-gate, when Lady Jane Townley's +carriage crossed them, and Tom immediately approached it, to pay his +respects to an old acquaintance. Her lady-ship congratulated him on his +return to town, lamented the serious loss the _beau-monde_ had sustained +by his absence, and smiling archly at his young friend, was happy +to find he had not returned empty-handed, but with a recruit, whose +appearance promised a valuable accession to their select circle. “You +would not have seen me here,” continued her ladyship, “but I vow and +protest it is utterly impossible to make a prisoner of one's self, such +a day as this, merely because it is Sunday--for my own part, I wish +there was no such thing as a Sunday in the whole year--there's no +knowing what to do with one's self. When fine, it draws out as many +insects as a hot sun and a shower of rain can produce in the middle of +June. The vulgar plebeians flock so, that you can scarcely get into your +barouche without being hustled by the men-milliners, linen-drapers, and +shop-boys, who ~17~~have been serving you all the previous part of +the week; and wet, or dry, there's no bearing it. For my part, I am +_ennuyée_, beyond measure, on that day, and find no little difficulty in +getting through it without a fit of the horrors. + +“What a legion of counter-coxcombs!” exclaimed she, as we passed +Grosvenor-gate. “Upon the plunder of the till, or by overcharging +some particular article sold on the previous day, it is easy for these +_once-a-week_ beaux to hire a tilbury, and an awkward groom in a pepper +and salt, or drab coat, like the _incog._ of the royal family, to mix +with their betters and sport their persons in the drive of fashion: some +of the monsters, too, have the impudence of bowing to ladies whom they +do not know, merely to give them an air, or pass off their customers for +their acquaintance: its very distressing. There!” continued she, “there +goes my plumassier, with gilt spurs like a field-officer, and riding +as importantly as if he were one of the Lords of the Treasury; or--ah! +there, again, is my banker's clerk, so stiff and so laced up, that he +might pass for an Egyptian mummy--the self-importance of these puppies +is insufferable! What impudence! he has picked up some groom out of +place, with a cockade in his hat, by way of imposing on the world for a +_beau militaire_. What will the world come to! I really have not common +patience with these creatures. I have long since left off going to the +play on a Saturday night, because, independently of my preference for +the Opera, these insects from Cornhill or Whitechapel, shut up their +shops, cheat their masters, and commence their airs of importance about +nine o'clock. Then again you have the same party crowding the Park on +a Sunday; but on the following day, return, like school boys, to their +work, and you see them with their pen behind their ear, calculating how +to make up for their late extravagances, pestering you with lies, and +urging you to buy twice as much as you want, then officiously offering +their arm at your carriage-door.” + +Capt. Bergamotte at this moment came up to the carriage, perfumed like a +milliner, his colour much heightened by some vegetable dye, and resolved +neither to “blush unseen,” nor “waste his sweetness on the desert air.” + Two false teeth in front, shamed the others a little in their ivory +polish, and his breath savoured of myrrh like a heathen sacrifice, or +the incense burned in ~18~~one of their temples. He thrust his horse's +head into the carriage, rather abruptly and indecorously, (as one not +accustomed to the haut-ton might suppose) but it gave no offence. He +smiled affectedly, adjusted his hat, pulled a lock of hair across his +forehead, with a view of shewing the whiteness of the latter, and next, +that the glossiness of the former must have owed its lustre to at least +two hours brushing, arranging, and perfuming; used his quizzing-glass, +and took snuff with a flourish. Lady Townley condescended to caress the +horse, and to display her lovely white arm ungloved, with which she +patted the horse's neck, and drew a hundred admiring eyes. + +The exquisite all this time brushed the animal gently with a +highly-scented silk handkerchief, after which he displayed a cambric +one, and went through a thousand little playful airs and affectations, +which Bob thought would have suited a fine lady better than a lieutenant +in his Majesty's brigade of guards. Applying the lines of an inimitable +satire, (The Age of Frivolity) to the figure before him, he concluded: + + “That gaudy dress and decorations gay, + The tinsel-trappings of a vain array. + The spruce trimm'd jacket, and the waving plume, + The powder'd head emitting soft perfume; + These may make fops, but never can impart + The soldier's hardy frame, or daring heart; + May in Hyde-Park present a splendid train, + But are not weapons for a dread campaign; + May please the fair, who like a tawdry beau, + But are not fit to check an active foe; + Such heroes may acquire sufficient skill + To march erect, and labour through a drill; + In some sham-fight may manfully hold out, + But must not hope an enemy to rout.” + +Although he talked a great deal, the whole amount of his discourse was +to inform her Ladyship that (_Stilletto_) meaning his horse, (who in +truth appeared to possess more fire and spirit than his rider could +either boast of or command,) had cost him only 700 guineas, and was +_prime blood_; that the horse his groom rode, was _nothing but a +_good one_, and had run at the _Craven--that he had been prodigiously +fortunate that season on the turf--that he was a bold rider, and could +not bear himself without a fine high spirited animal--and, that being +engaged to dine at ~19~~three places that day, he was desperately at a +loss to know how he should act; but that if her Ladyship dined at any +one of the three, he would certainly join that party, and _cut_ the +other two. + +At this moment, a mad-brained ruffian of quality, with a splendid +equipage, came driving by with four in hand, and exclaimed as he flew +past, in an affected tone,--“All! Tom, my dear fellow,--why where the +devil have you hid yourself of late?” The speed of his cattle prevented +the possibility of reply. “Although you see him in such excellent trim,” + observed Tom to Lady Jane, “though his cattle and equipage are so well +appointed, would you suppose, it, he has but just made his appearance +from the Bench after _white-washing?_ But he is a noble spirited +fellow,” remarked the exquisite, “drives the best horses, and is one of +the first whips in town; always gallant and gay, full of life and good +humour; and, I am happy to say, he has now a dozen of as fine horses +as any in Christendom, _bien entendu_, kept in my name.” After this +explanation of the characters of his friend and his horses, he kissed +his hand to her Ladyship, and was out of sight in an instant, “Adieu, +adieu, thou dear, delightful sprig of fashion!” said Lady Jane, as he +left the side of the carriage.--“Fashion and folly,” said Tom, half +whispering, and recalling to his mind the following lines:-- + + “Oh! Fashion, to thy wiles, thy votaries owe + Unnumber'd pangs of sharp domestic woe. + What broken tradesmen and abandon'd wives + Curse thy delusion through their wretched lives; + What pale-faced spinsters vent on thee their rage, + And youths decrepid e're they come of age.” + +His moralizing reverie was however interrupted by her Ladyship, +who perceiving a group of females decked in the extreme of Parisian +fashions, “there,” said she, “there is all that taffeta, feathers, +flowers, and lace can do; and yet you see by their loud talking, their +being unattended by a servant, and by the bit of straw adhering to the +pettycoat of one of them, that they come all the way from Fish Street +Hill, or the Borough, in a hackney-coach, and are now trying to play off +the airs of women of fashion.” + +Mrs. Marvellous now drew up close to the party. “My dear Lady Jane,” + said she, “1 am positively suffocated with dust, and sickened with +vulgarity; but to be sure we ~20~~have every thing in London here, from +the House of Peers to Waterloo House. I must tell you about the +trial, and Lady Barbara's mortification, and about poor Mr. R.'s being +arrested, and the midnight flight to the Continent of our poor friend +W----.” + +With this brief, but at the same time comprehensive introduction, she +lacerated the reputation of almost all her acquaintance, and excited +great attention from the party, which had been joined by several during +her truly interesting intelligence. Every other topic in a moment gave +way to this delightful amusement, and each with volubility contributed +his or her share to the general stock of slander. + +Scandal is at all times the _sauce piquante_ that _currys_ incident in +every situation; and where is the fashionable circle that can sit down +to table without made dishes?--Character is the good old-fashioned roast +beef of the table, which no one touches but to mangle and destroy. + + “Lord! who'd have thought our cousin D + Could think of marrying Mrs. E. + True I don't like such things to tell; + But, faith, I pity Mrs. L, + And was I her, the bride to vex, + I would engage with Mrs. X. + But they do say that Charlotte U, + With Fanny M, and we know who, + Occasioned all, for you must know + They set their caps at Mr. O. + And as he courted Mrs. E, + They thought, if she'd have cousin D, + That things might be by Colonel A + Just brought about in their own way.” + +Our heroes now took leave, and proceeded through the Park. “Who is that +fat, fair, and forty-looking dame, in the landau?” says Bob.--“Your +description shews,” rejoined his friend, “you are but a novice in the +world of fashion--you are deceived, that lady is as much made up as a +wax-doll. She has been such as she now appears to be for these last +five and twenty years; her figure as you see, rather en-bon point, is +friendly to the ravages of time, and every lineament of age is artfully +filled up by an expert fille de chambre, whose time has been employed +at the toilette of a celebrated devotee in Paris. She drives through the +Park as a matter of course, merely to furnish an opportunity for saying +that she has been there: but the more important business of the morning +will be transacted ~21~~at her boudoir, in the King's Road, where +every luxury is provided to influence the senses; and where, by daily +appointment, she is expected to meet a sturdy gallant. She is a perfect +Messalina in her enjoyments; but her rank in society protects her from +sustaining any injury by her sentimental wanderings. + +“Do you see that tall handsome man on horseback, who has just taken +off his hat to her, he is a knight of the ... ribbon; and a well-known +flutterer among the ladies, as well as a vast composer of pretty little +nothings.”--“Indeed! and pray, cousin, do you see that lady of quality, +just driving in at the gate in a superb yellow vis-à-vis,--as you seem +to know every body, who is she?” + +“Ha! ha! ha!” replied Tom, almost bursting with laughter, yet +endeavouring to conceal it, “that Lady of Quality, as you are inclined +to think her, a very few years since, was nothing more than a pot-girl +to a publican in Marj'-le-bone; but an old debauchee (upon the look +out for defenceless beauty) admiring the fineness of her form, the +brilliancy of her eye, and the symmetry of her features, became the +possessor of her person, and took her into keeping, as one of the +indispensable appendages of fashionable life, after a month's ablution +at Margate, where he gave her masters of every description. Her +understanding was ready, and at his death, which happened, luckily for +her, before satiety had extinguished appetite, she was left with +an annuity of twelve hundred pounds--improved beauty--superficial +accomplishments--and an immoderate share of caprice, insolence, +and vanity. As a proof of this, I must tell you that at an elegant +entertainment lately given by this dashing cyprian, she demolished a +desert service of glass and china that cost five hundred guineas, in a +fit of passionate ill-humour; and when her paramour intreated her to be +more composed, she became indignant--called for her writing-desk in a +rage--committed a settlement of four hundred a year, which he had made +but a short time previously, to the flames, and asked him, with, a +self-important air, whether he dared to suppose that _paltry_ parchment +gave him an authority to direct her actions?” + +“And what said the lover to this severe remonstrance?” + +“Say,--why he very sensibly made her a low bow, thanked her for her +kindness, in releasing him from his bond, and took his leave of her, +determined to return no more.” + +22~~“Turn to the right,” says Tom, “and yonder you will see on +horseback, that staunch patriot, and friend of the people, Sir----, of +whom you must have heard so much.” + +“He has just come out of the K----B----, having completed last week +the term of imprisonment, to which he was sentenced for a libel on +Government, contained in his address to his constituents on the subject +of the memorable Manchester Meeting.” + +“Ah! indeed, and is that the red-hot patriot?--well, I must say I have +often regretted he should have gone to such extremes in one or two +instances, although I ever admired his general character for firmness, +manly intrepidity, and disinterested conduct.” + +“You are right, Bob, perfectly right; but you know, 'to err is human, to +forgive divine,' and however he may err, he does so from principle. +In his private character, as father, husband, friend, and polished +gentleman, he has very few equals--no superior. + +“He is a branch of one of the most ancient families in the kingdom, and +can trace his ancestors without interruption, from the days of William +the Conqueror. His political career has been eventful, and perhaps has +cost him more, both in pocket and person, than any Member of Parliament +now existing. He took his seat in the House of Commons at an early age, +and first rendered himself popular by his strenuous opposition to a bill +purporting to regulate the publication of newspapers. + +“The next object of his determined reprehension, was the +Cold-Bath-Fields Prison, and the treatment of the unfortunates therein +confined. The uniformly bold and energetic language made use of by +the honourable Baronet upon that occasion, breathed the true spirit of +British liberty. He reprobated the unconstitutional measure of erecting +what he termed a _Bastile_ in the very heart of a free country, as +one that could neither have its foundation in national policy, nor +eventually be productive of private good. He remarked that prisons, at +which private punishments, cruel as they were illegal, were exercised, +at the mercy of an unprincipled gaoler--cells in which human beings were +exposed to the horrors of heart-sickening solitude, and depressed in +spirit by their restriction to a scanty and exclusive allowance of +bread and water, were not only incompatible with the spirit of the +constitution, but were likely to prove injurious to the spirit of the +23~~people of this happy country; for as Goldsmith admirably remarks, + + “Princes and Lords may nourish or may fade, + A breath can make them as a breath hath made, + But a bold peasantry their country's pride, + When once destroyed can never be supplied.” + +“_And if this be not tyranny_” continued the philanthropic orator, +“_it is impossible to define the term. I promise you here_ that I will +persevere to the last in unmasking this wanton abuse of justice and +humanity.” His invincible fortitude in favour of the people, has +rendered him a distinguished favourite among them: and though by some he +is termed a visionary, an enthusiast, and a tool of party, his adherence +to the rights of the subject, and his perseverance to uphold the +principles of the constitution, are deserving the admiration of every +Englishman; and although his fortune is princely, and has been at his +command ever since an early age, he has never had his name registered +among the fashionable gamesters at the clubs in St. James's-street, +Newmarket, or elsewhere. He labours in the vineyard of utility rather +than in the more luxuriant garden of folly; and, according to general +conception, may emphatically be called an honest man. “But come,” said +Tom, “it is time for us to move homeward--the company are drawing off I +see, we must shape our course towards Piccadilly.” + +They dashed through the Park, not however without being saluted by many +of his fashionable friends, who rejoiced to see that the Honourable +Tom Dashall was again to be numbered among the votaries of Real Life in +London; while the young squire, whose visionary orbs appeared to be +in perpetual motion, dazzled with the splendid equipages of the moving +panorama, was absorbed in reflections somewhat similar to the following: + + “No spot on earth to me is half so fair + As Hyde-Park Corner, or St. James's Square; + And Happiness has surely fix'd her seat + In Palace Yard, Pall Mall, or Downing Street: + Are hills, and dales, and valleys half so gay + As bright St. James's on a levee day? + What fierce ecstatic transports fire my soul, + To hear the drivers swear, the coaches roll; + The Courtier's compliment, the Ladies' clack, + The satins rustle, and the whalebone crack!” + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + “Together let us beat this ample field + Try what the open, what the covert yield: + The latent tracts, the giddy heights explore + Of all who blindly creep, or sightless soar; + Eye nature's walks, shoot folly as it flies, + And catch the manners living as they rise.” + +~~24~IT was half past five when the Hon. Tom Dashall, and his enraptured +cousin, reached the habitation of the former, who had taken care to +dispatch a groom, apprizing Mrs. Watson, the house-keeper, of his +intention to be at home by half past six to dinner; consequently all +was prepared for their reception. The style of elegance in which Tom +appeared to move, struck Tallyho at once with delight and astonishment, +as they entered the drawing-room; which was superbly and tastefully +fitted up, and commanded a cheerful view of Piccadilly. “Welcome, my +dear Bob!” said Tom to his cousin, “to all the delights of Town--come, +tell me what you think of its first appearance, only remember you +commence your studies of Life in London on a dull day; to-morrow you +will have more enlivening prospects before you.” “'Why in truth,” + replied Bob, “the rapidity of attraction is such, as at present to leave +no distinct impressions on my mind; all appears like enchantment, and +I am completely bewildered in a labyrinth of wonders, to which there +appears to be no end; but under your kind guidance and tuition I may +prove myself an apt scholar, in unravelling its intricacies.” By this +time they had approached the window. + +“Aye, aye,” says Dashall, “we shall not be long, I see, without some +object to exercise your mind upon, and dispel the horrors. + + “Oh for that Muse of fire, whose burning pen + Records the God-like deeds of valiant men! + Then might our humble, yet aspiring verse, + Our matchless hero's matchless deeds rehearse.” + +~25~~Bob was surprised at this sudden exclamation of his cousin, and +from the introduction naturally expected something extraordinary, though +he looked around him without discovering his object. + +“That,” continued Tom, “is a Peer”--pointing to a gig just turning the +corner, “of whom it may be said: + + To many a jovial club that _Peer_ was known, + With whom his active wit unrivall'd shone, + Choice spirit, grave freemason, buck and blood, + Would crowd his stories and _bon mots_ to hear, + And none a disappointment e'er need fear + His humour flow'd in such a copious flood.” + +“It is Lord C----, who was formerly well known as the celebrated Major +H----, the companion of the now most distinguished personage in the +British dominions! and who not long since became possessed of his +lordly honours. Some particulars of him are worth knowing. He was +early introduced into life, and often kept both good and bad company, +associating with men and women of every description and of every rank, +from the highest to the lowest--from St. James's to St. Giles's, in +palaces and night-cellars--from the drawing-room to the dust-cart. He +can drink, swear, tell stories, cudgel, box, and smoke with any one; +having by his intercourse with society fitted himself for all companies. +His education has been more practical than theoretical, though he was +brought up at Eton, where, notwithstanding he made considerable progress +in his studies, he took such an aversion to Greek that he never would +learn it. Previous to his arrival at his present title, he used to be +called Honest George, and so unalterable is his nature, that to this +hour he likes it, and it fits him better than his title. But he has +often been sadly put to his shifts under various circumstances: he was +a courtier, but was too honest for that; he tried gaming, but he was too +honest for that; he got into prison, and might have wiped off, but he +was too honest for that; he got into the coal trade, but he found it a +black business, and he was too honest for that. At drawing the long +bow, so much perhaps cannot be said--but that you know is habit, not +principle; his courage is undoubted, having fought three duels before he +was twenty years of age. + +Being disappointed in his hope of promotion in the army, he resolved, in +spite of the remonstrances of his ~26~~friends, to quit the guards, +and solicited an appointment in one of the Hessian corps, at that +time raising for the British service in America, where the war of the +revolution was then commencing, and obtained from the Landgrave of Hesse +a captain's commission in his corps of Jagers. + +Previous to his departure for America, finding he had involved himself +in difficulties by a profuse expenditure, too extensive for his income, +and an indulgence in the pleasures of the turf to a very great extent, +he felt himself under the necessity of mortgaging an estate of about +11,000L. per annum, left him by his aunt, and which proved unequal to +the liquidation of his debts. He remained in America till the end of the +war, where he distinguished himself for bravery, and suffered much with +the yellow fever. On his return, he obtained an introduction to the +Prince of Wales, who by that time had lanched into public life, and +became one of the jovial characters whom he selected for his associates; +and many are the amusing anecdotes related of him. The Prince conferred +on him the appointment of equerry, with a salary of 300L. a year; this, +however, he lost on the retrenchments that were afterwards made in the +household of His Royal Highness. He continued, however, to be one of +his constant companions, and while in his favour they were accustomed +to practice strange vagaries. The Major was always a wag, ripe and ready +for a _spree or a lark_. + + “To him a frolic was a high delight, + A frolic he would hunt for, day and night, + Careless how prudence on the sport might frown.” + +At one time, when the favourite's finances were rather low, and the +_mopusses ran taper_, it was remarked among the 60 vivants of the +party, that the Major had not for some time given them an invitation. +This, however, he promised to do, and fixed the day--the Prince +having engaged to make one. Upon this occasion he took lodgings in +Tottenham-court Road--went to a wine-merchant--promised to introduce +him to the royal presence, upon his engaging to find wine for the party, +which was readily acceded to; and a dinner of three courses was served +up. Three such courses, perhaps, were never before seen; when the +company were seated, two large dishes appeared; one was placed at the +top of the table, and one at the bottom; all was anxious expectation: +~27~~the covers being removed, exhibited to view, a baked shoulder of +mutton at top, and baked potatoes at the bottom. They all looked around +with astonishment, but, knowing the general eccentricity of their host, +they readily fell into his humour, and partook of his fare; not doubting +but the second course would make ample amends for the first. The wine +was good, and the Major apologized for his accommodations, being, as he +said, a family sort of man, and the dinner, though somewhat uncommon, +was not such an one as is described by Goldsmith: + + “At the top, a fried liver and bacon were seen; + At the bottom was tripe, in a swinging tureen; + At the sides there were spinach and pudding made hot; + In the middle a place where the pasty--was not.” + +At length the second course appeared; when lo and behold, another baked +shoulder of mutton and baked potatoes! Surprise followed surprise--but + + “Another and another still succeeds.” + +The third course consisted of the same fare, clearly proving that he +had in his catering studied quantity more than variety; however, they +enjoyed the joke, eat as much as they pleased, laughed heartily at the +dinner, and after bumpering till a late hour, took their departure: it +is said, however, that he introduced the wine-merchant to his Highness, +who afterwards profited by his orders.{1} + + 1 This remarkable dinner reminds us of a laughable + caricature which made its appearance some time ago upon the + marriage of a Jew attorney, in Jewry-street, Aldgate, to the + daughter of a well-known fishmonger, of St. Peter's-alley, + Cornhill, when a certain Baronet, Alderman, Colonel, and + then Lord Mayor, opened the ball at the London Tavern, as + the partner of the bride; a circum-stance which excited + considerable curiosity and surprise at the time. We know the + worthy Baronet had been a hunter for a seat in Parliament, + but what he could be hunting among the children of Israel + is, perhaps, not so easily ascertained. We, however, are not + speaking of the character, but the caricature, which + represented the bride, not resting on Abraham's bosom, but + seated on his knee, surrounded by their guests at the + marriage-feast; while to a panel just behind them, appears + to be affixed a bill of fare, which runs thus: + + First course, Fish! + + Second course, Fish!! + + Third course, Fish!!! + + Perhaps the idea of the artist originated in the anecdote + above recorded. + +~28~~It is reported that the Prince gave him a commission, under an +express promise that when he could not shew it, he was no longer to +enjoy his royal favour. This commission was afterwards lost by the +improvident possessor, and going to call on the donor one morning, who +espying him on his way, he threw up the sash and called out, “Well, +George, commission or no commission?” “No commission, by G----, your +Highness?” was the reply. + +“Then you cannot enter here,”” rejoined the prince, closing the window +and the connection at the same time. + +“His Lordship now resides in the Regent's Park, and may almost nightly +be seen at a public-house in the neighbourhood, where he takes his grog +and smokes his pipe, amusing the company around him with anecdotes of +his former days; we may, perhaps, fall in with him some night in +our travels, and you will find him a very amusing and sometimes very +sensible sort of fellow, till he gets his grog on board, when he can be +as boisterous and blustering as a coal-heaver or a bully. His present +fortune is impaired by his former imprudence, but he still mingles with +the sporting world, and a short time back had his pocket picked, at a +_milling_ match, of a valuable gold repeater. He has favoured the world +with several literary productions, among which are Memoirs of his own +Life, embellished with a view of the author, suspended from (to use the +phrase of a late celebrated auctioneer) a _hanging wood_; and a very +elaborate treatise on the Art of Rat-catching. In the advertisement of +the latter work, the author engages it will enable the reader to “clear +any house of these noxious vermin, however much infested, excepting +only a certain great House in the neighbourhood of St. Stephen's, +Westminster.”{1} + + 1 It appears by the newspapers, that the foundation of a + certain great house in Pall Mall is rotten, and giving-way. + The cause is not stated; but as it cannot arise from being + top-heavy, we may presume that the rats have been at work + there. Query, would not an early application of the Major's + recipe have remedied the evil, and prevented the necessity + of a removal of a very heavy body, which of course, must be + attended with a very heavy expense? 'Tis a pity an old + friend should have been overlooked on such an occasion. + +~29~~“Do you,” said Tom, pointing to a person on the other side of +the way, “see that young man, walking with a half-smothered air of +indifference, affecting to whistle as he walks, and twirling his +stick? He is a _once-a-week man_, or, in other words, a _Sunday +promenader_--Harry Hairbrain was born of a good family, and, at the +decease of his father, became possessed of ten thousand pounds, which +he sported with more zeal than discretion, so much so, that having been +introduced to the gaming table by a pretended friend, and fluctuated +between poverty and affluence for four years, he found himself +considerably in debt, and was compelled to seek refuge in an obscure +lodging, somewhere in the neighbourhood of Kilburn, in order to avoid +the _traps_; for, as he observes, he has been among the _Greeks and +pigeons_, who have completely _rook'd_ him, and now want to crow +over him: he has been at hide and seek for the last two months, and, +depending on the death of a rich old maiden aunt who has no other heir, +he eventually hopes to '_diddle 'em_.'” + +This narrative of Hairbrain was like Hebrew ta Tallyho, who requested +his interesting cousin, as he found himself at _falt, to try back_, and +put him on the _right scent_. + +“Ha! ha! ha!” said Tom, “we must find a new London vocabulary, I see, +before we shall be able to converse intelligibly; but as you are now +solely under my tuition, I will endeavour to throw a little light upon +the subject. + +“Your _once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader_, is one who confines +himself, to avoid confinement, lodging in remote quarters in the +vicinity of the Metropolis, within a mile or two of the Bridges, +Oxford Street, or Hyde-Park Corner, and is constrained to waste six +uncomfortable and useless days in the week, in order to secure the +enjoyment of the seventh, when he fearlessly ventures forth, to recruit +his ideas--to give a little variety to the sombre picture of life, +unmolested, to transact his business, or to call on some old friend, +and keep up those relations with the world which would otherwise be +completely neglected or broken. + +“Among characters of this description, may frequently be recognised the +remnant of fashion, and, perhaps, the impression of nobility not wholly +destroyed by adversity and seclusion--the air and manners of a man +who has ~30~~outlived his century, with an assumption of _sans souci_ +pourtrayed in his agreeable smile, murmur'd through a low whistle of +'Begone dull care,' or 'No more by sorrow chased, my heart,' or played +off by the flourishing of a whip, or the rapping of a boot that has +a spur attached to it, which perhaps has not crossed a horse for +many months; and occasionally by a judicious glance at another man's +carriage, horses, or appointments, which indicates taste, and the former +possession of such valuable things. These form a part of the votaries +of Real Life in London. This however,” said he (observing his cousin in +mute attention) “is but a gloomy part of the scene; vet, perhaps, not +altogether uninteresting or unprofitable.” + +“I can assure you,” replied Tallyho, “I am delighted with the accurate +knowledge you appear to have of society in general, while I regret the +situation of the actors in scenes so glowingly described, and am only +astonished at the appearance of such persons.” + +“You must not be astonished at appearances,” rejoined Dashall, “for +appearance is every thing in London; and I must particularly warn you +not to found your judgment upon it. There is an old adage, which says +'To _be_ poor, and _seem_ poor, is the Devil all over.' Why, if you meet +one of these _Sunday-men_, he will accost you with urbanity and affected +cheerfulness, endeavouring to inspire you with an idea that he is one of +the happiest of mortals; while, perhaps, the worm of sorrow is secretly +gnawing his heart, and preying upon his constitution. Honourable +sentiment, struggling with untoward circumstances, is destroying +his vitals; not having the courage to pollute his character by a +jail-delivery, or to condescend to _white-washing_, or some low bankrupt +trick, to extricate himself from difficulty, in order to stand upright +again. + +“A _once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader_, frequently takes his way +through bye streets and short cuts, through courts and alleys, as it +were between retirement and a desire to see what is going on in the +scenes of his former splendour, to take a sly peep at that world from +which he seems to be excluded.” + +“And for all such men,” replied Bob, “expelled from high and from good +society, (even though I were compelled to allow by their own imprudence +and folly) I ~31~~should always like to have a spare hundred, to send +them in an anonymous cover.” + +“You are right,” rejoined Tom, catching him ardently by the hand, +“the sentiment does honour to your head and heart; for to such men, in +general, is attached a heart-broken wife, withering by their side in the +shade, as the leaves and the blossom cling together at all seasons, in +sickness or in health, in affluence or in poverty, until the storm beats +too roughly on them, and prematurely destroys the weakest. But I must +warn you not to let your liberality get the better of your discretion, +for there are active and artful spirits abroad, and even these +necessities and miseries are made a handle for deception, to entrap the +unwary; and you yet have much to learn--Puff lived two years on sickness +and misfortune, by advertisements in the newspapers.” + +“How?” enquired Bob. + +“You shall have it in his own words,” said Dashall. + + “I suppose never man went through such a series of + “calamities in the same space of time! Sir, I was five + “times made a bankrupt and reduced from a state of + “affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! then + “Sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice + “burnt out, and lost my little all both times! I lived + “upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a + “most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs! + “That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, + “and went about col--called on you, a close prisoner + “in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted + “to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped + “for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable + “consumption! I was then reduced to--0--no--then, + “I became a widow with six helpless children--after + “having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left + “every time eight months gone with child, and without + “money to get me into an hospital!” + +“Astonishing!” cried Bob, “and are such things possible?” + +“A month's residence in the metropolis,” said Dashall, “will satisfy +your enquiries. One ingenious villain, a short time back, had artifice +enough to defraud the public, at different periods of his life, of +upwards of one hundred thousand pounds, and actually carried on +his fraudulent schemes to the last moment of his existence, for he +~32~~defrauded Jack Ketch of his fee by hanging himself in his cell +after condemnation.”{1} + +Just as a tilbury was passing, “Observe,” said Tom, “the driver of that +tilbury is the celebrated Lord Cripplegate with his usual equipage--his +blue cloak with a scarlet lining, hanging loosely over the vehicle, +gives an air of importance to his appearance, and he is always attended +by that boy, who has been denominated his cupid; he is a nobleman +by birth, a gentleman by courtesy, and a gamester by profession. He +exhausted a large estate upon _odd and even, sevens the main_, &c. till +having lost sight of the _main chance_, he found it necessary to curtail +his establishment and enliven his prospects, by exchanging a first floor +for a second, without an opportunity of ascertaining whether or not +these alterations were best suited to his high notions or exalted taste; +from which in a short time he was induced, either by inclination or +necessity, to take a small lodging in an obscure street, and to sport +a gig and one horse, instead of a curricle and pair; though in former +times he used to drive four in hand, and was acknowledged to be an +excellent whip. He still, however, possessed money enough to collect +together a large quantity of halfpence, which in his hours of relaxation +he managed to turn to good account, by the following stratagem:--He +distributed his halfpence on the floor of his little parlour in straight +lines, and ascertained how many it would require to cover it; having +thus prepared himself, he invited some wealthy spendthrifts (with whom +he still had the power of associating) to sup with him, and he welcomed +them to his habitation with much cordiality. The glass circulated +freely, and each recounted his gaming or amorous adventures till a late +hour, when the effects of the bottle becoming visible, he proposed, as a +momentary suggestion, to name how many halfpence laid side by side would +carpet the floor; and offered to lay a large + + 1 Charles Price, the well-known impostor, whose extensive + forgeries on the Bank of England rendered him notorious, may + serve as a practical illustration of Puff, for he, at + several periods of his life, carried on his system of fraud + by advertisements, and by personating the character of a + clergyman collecting subscriptions under various pretences. + His whole life is marked with determined and systematic + depravity. He hanged himself in Tothil-fields Bridewell, + where he was confined, at the age of fifty-five. + +~33~~wager, that he would guess the nearest. Done! done! was echoed +round the room. Every one made a deposit of 100L. and every one made a +guess equally certain of success; and his lordship declaring he had +a large lot of halfpence by him, though, perhaps, not enough, the +experiment was to be tried immediately--'twas an excellent hit! The room +was cleared, to it they went, the halfpence were arranged rank and file +in military order, when it appeared that his lordship had certainly +guessed (as well he might) nearest to the number: the consequence was, +an immediate alteration of his lordship's residence and appearance: he +got one step in the world by it, he gave up his second-hand gig for +one warranted new; and a change in his vehicle may pretty generally be +considered as the barometer of his pocket. + +“Do you mark, he is learing at that pretty girl on the other side of the +way? he is fond of the wenches, and has been a true votary of fashion. +Perhaps there is not a more perfect model of Real Life in London than +might be furnished from the memoirs of his lordship! He is rather a good +looking man, as he sits, and prides himself on being a striking likeness +of his present majesty; but, unfortunately, has a lameness which +impedes him in the ardour of his pursuit of game, although it must be +acknowledged he has been a game one in his time. The boy you see with +him is reported to be his own son, who is now employed by him as an +assistant in all his amorous adventures.” + +“His own son!” exclaimed Bob. + +“Aye, and (if so) a merrily begotten one, I'll be bound for it,” + continued Tom; “such things will happen, and his lordship has kept a +very pretty assortment of servant girls. But the introduction of this +youth to public notice was somewhat curious. It is said, that having a +large party of _bon vivants_ to dine with him, on sitting down to table, +and taking the cover off one of the dishes, a plump and smiling infant +appeared. A sweet little _Cupid_ by + +----! (exclaimed his lordship) I'll be his father!--I'll + +take care of him!--call Rose, and tell her to look out for a nurse for +him. Thus taking upon himself the character of parent and protector as +well as parson. Young _Cupid_ was christened in libations of claret, and +furnished a fund of amusement for the evening. How young Cupid ~34~~came +there, I believe has not yet been satisfactorily ascertained: + + Who seeks a friend, should come disposed + T' exhibit, in full bloom disclosed, + The graces and the beauties + That form the character he seeks; + For 'tis an union that bespeaks + Reciprocated duties. + +And thus it has proved with _Cupid_, himself the offspring of an illicit +amour, is now constantly engaged in promoting others. + +“His lordship had three brothers, _Billingsgate! Hellgate!_ and +_Newgate!_ whose names are adorned with a similarity of perfections in +the Temple of Fame; but they are consigned to the tomb of the Capulets, +and we will not rake up the ashes of the dead.”{1} + +At this moment a loud knocking was heard at the door, and Mr. Sparkle +was ushered into the drawing-room, which he entered, as it were, with a +hop, step, and jump, and had Tom Dashall by the hand almost before they +could turn round to see who it was. + +“My dear fellow!” exclaimed Sparkle, almost out of breath, “where have +you been to? Time has been standing still since your departure!--there +has been a complete void in nature--how do you do?--I beg pardon, +(turning to Bob) you will excuse my rapture at meeting my old friend, +whom I have lost so long, that I have almost lost myself--egad, I have +run myself out of breath--cursed unlucky I was not in the Park this +morning to see you first, but I have just heard all about you from Lady +Jane, and lost no time in paying my respects--what are you going to do +with yourself?” + + 1 There was a delicate propriety in this conduct of the Hon. + Tom Dashall which cannot but be admired; for although they + were alone, and speaking to each other in perfect + confidence, it was always his desire to avoid as much as + possible making bad worse; he had a heart to feel, as well + as a head to think; and would rather lend a hand to raise a + fellow-creature from the mud than walk deliberately over + him; besides, he foresaw other opportunities would arise in + which, from circumstances, he would almost be compelled to + draw his Cousin's attention again to the persons in + question, and he was always unwilling to ex-haust a subject + of an interesting nature without sonic leading occurrence to + warrant it. + +~35~~At this moment dinner was announced. “Come,” said Tom, “let us +refresh a bit, and after dinner I will tell you all about it. We are +travellers, you know, and feel a little fatigued. _Allons, allons_.” And +so saying, he led the way to the dinner-room. + +“Nothing could be more _apropos_,” said Sparkle, “for although I have +two engagements beforehand, and have promised a visit to you know who in +the evening, they appear like icicles that must melt before the sun of +your re-appearance: so I am your's.” And to it they went. Tom always +kept a liberal table, and gave his friends a hearty welcome. But here +it will be necessary, while they are regaling themselves, to make +our readers a little acquainted with Charles Sparkle, Esq.; for which +purpose we must request his patience till the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + “Place me, thou great Supreme, in that blest state, + Unknown to those the silly world call Great, + Where all my wants may be with ease supply'd, + Yet nought superfluous to pamper pride.” + +~36~~IT will be seen in the previous chapter, that the formal ceremony +of a fashionable introduction, such as--“Mr. Sparkle, my friend Mr. +Robert Tallyho, of Belville Hall; Mr. Tallyho, Mr. Charles Sparkle,” was +altogether omitted; indeed, the abrupt entrance of the latter rendered +it utterly impossible, for although Sparkle was really a well-bred man, +he had heard from Lady Jane of Tom's arrival with his young friend from +the country. _Etiquette_ between themselves, was at all times completely +unnecessary, an air of gaiety and freedom, as the friend of Dashall, was +introduction enough to Bob, and consequently this point of good breeding +was wholly unnoticed by all the party; but we are not yet sufficiently +acquainted with our readers to expect a similar mode of proceeding will +be overlooked; we shall therefore lose no time in giving our promised +account of Mr. Sparkle, and beg to introduce him accordingly. + +Mr. Reader, Mr. Sparkle; Mr. Sparkle, Mr. Reader. + +Hold, Sir, what are you about? You have bewildered yourself with +etiquette, and seem to know as little about _Life in London_ as the +novice you have already introduced--By the way, that introduction was +one of the most extraordinary I ever met with; this may be equally so +for ought I know; and I really begin to suspect you are an extraordinary +fellow yourself. How can you introduce me, of whom you know nothing? + +Egad, I believe you have me there--“a palpable hit, my Lord,” (or my +Lady, for I certainly cannot say which;) I was getting myself into an +awkward dilemma, but I hate suspicion-- + + “Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind.” + +~37~~Methinks I see a frown, but I meant no offence, and if you throw +down my book in a rage, you will perhaps not only remain ignorant of +Mr. Sparkle, but, what is more important, of those other +numerous fashionable characters in high and low life--of those +manners--incidents--amusements--follies--vices, &c. which, combined +together, form the true picture of Real Life in the Metropolis. + + “He who hath trod th' intricate maze, + Exploring every devious way, + Can best direct th' enquiring gaze, + And all the varied scenes display.” + +Mr. Author, you are a strange rambler. + +Admitted, Sir, or Ma'am, I am a rambler, who, with your permission, +would willingly not be impeded in my progress, and under such +expectations I shall proceed. + +Charles Sparkle was the son and only child of a Right Hon. Member of +Parliament, now no more, whose mother dying soon after his birth, was +left destitute of that maternal kindness and solicitude which frequently +has so much influence in forming the character of the future man. + +His father, a man of eccentric turn of mind, being appointed soon +afterwards to a diplomatic situation abroad, left the care of his son's +education to an elderly friend of his, who held a situation of some +importance under the then existing government, with an injunction to +conceal from the boy the knowledge of his real parent, and to bring him +up as his own child. + +This important trust was executed with tenderness and fidelity; the boy +grew in strength, and ripened in intelligence, and being accustomed +to consider his protector as his parent, the father, upon returning +to England, determined not to undeceive him, until he should arrive at +years of discretion; and with this view Mr. Orford was instructed at a +proper age to send him to Oxford. + +Charles, however had contracted before this period, habits and +acquaintances in London, that were completely in opposition to the +dictates and inclinations of his supposed father. He became passionately +fond of literary amusements, music, and drawing, which served to occupy +his morning hours: but his evenings were devoted to the company of +vitiated associates, who did ~38~~not fail to exercise their influence +over his youthful passions, and he frequently engaged himself in unlucky +and improvident adventures, which involved him in pecuniary difficulties +far beyond his stipulated income. These circumstances were no sooner +made known to the supposed parent, than they excited his displeasure, +and being carried to an unpardonable extent, he was, at the age of +eighteen, literally banished the house of his protector, and compelled +to take an obscure lodging in the vicinity of London; the rent of which +was paid for him, and a scanty allowance of one guinea sent to him +regularly every Saturday night. Thus secluded from his old associates, +it will not be wondered at that he contrived to form new ones, and +having purchased an old harpsicord, turned the musical instruction +he had received to occasional account; he also wrote some political +pamphlets which were well received. But this solitary and dependent life +was wholly unsuited to the gaiety in which he had hitherto moved. It +had, however, the effect of drawing forth talent, which perhaps would +never, but for this circumstance, have been discovered; for + + “Many a gem, of purest ray serene, + The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; + Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, + And waste its sweetness on the desert air.” + +His writings, &c. under the name of Oribrd, were recognised by the real +father, as the productions of a promising son: at his instigation, and +upon a promise of reform, he was again restored to his former home, and +shortly after entered as a gentleman commoner of St. Mary's, Oxford; but +not till he had, by some means or other, made the discovery that +Orford was not his real name. Congenial spirits are naturally fond of +associating, and it was here that he first became acquainted with the +Hon. Tom Dashall: they were constant companions and mutual assistants to +each other, in all their exercises as well as all their vagaries; so +as to cement a friendship and interest in each other's fate, up to the +moment of which we are now speaking. + +Orford, however, was at that time more impetuous and less discreet +in the pursuit of his pleasures than his honourable friend, and after +obtaining the distinction of Bachelor of Arts, was in consequence of +his imprudence and ~39~~irregularities, after frequently hair-breadth +escapes, expelled the college. This circumstance, however, appeared of +little consequence to him. He hired a gig at Oxford, promising to return +in a few days, and came up to London, but had not effrontery enough to +venture into the presence of his reputed father. On arrival in town, he +put up at an inn in the Borough, where he resided till all the money +he had was exhausted, and till, as he emphatically observes, he had +actually eaten his horse and chaise. + +In the mean time, the people at Oxford found he was expelled; and as +he had not returned according to appointment, he was pursued, and +eventually found: they had no doubt of obtaining their demand from +his friends, and he was arrested at the suit of the lender; which was +immediately followed by a retainer from the inn-keeper where he had +resided in town. Application was made to Mr. Orford for his liberation, +without effect; in consequence of which he became a resident in the +rules of the King's Bench, as his friends conceived by this means his +habits would be corrected and his future conduct be amended, his real +father still keeping in the back ground. + +While in this confinement, he again resorted to the produce of his pen +and his talent for musical composition, and his friend Tom, at the first +vacation, did not fail to visit him. During this time, in the shape +of donation, from Mr. Orford he received occasional supplies more than +equal to his necessities, though not to his wishes. While here, he +fished out some further clue to the real parent, who visited him in +disguise during his confinement as a friend of Mr. Orford: still, +however, he had no chance of liberation, till, being one day called on +by Mr. Orford, he was informed he was at perfect liberty to leave his +present abode, and was directed to go with him immediately; a coach was +called, and he heard the direction given to drive to Bedford Square, +where they arrived just time enough to learn that the Right Hon. S. S. +had breathed his last, after a lingering illness. + +Upon alighting from the coach, and receiving this information, they were +ushered into the drawing-room, and presently joined by a clergyman who +had been the chaplain of the deceased, who acquainted our adventurer of +the death of his parent--that by will he was entitled ~40~~to 10,000L. +per annum, and a handsome estate in Wiltshire. This sudden reverse +of fortune to Sparkle--the change from confinement to liberty, from +indigence to affluence--awakened sensations more easily to be conceived +than described. He wept, (perhaps the first tears of sincerity in his +life; ) his heart was subdued by an overwhelming flood of affection for +that unknown being, whom he now found had been his constant guardian +angel, alternately taking Orford and the reverend Divine by the hand, +and hiding his head in the bosom of his reputed father. At length they +led him to the room in which were the remains of his lamented parent. + +There are perhaps few circumstances better calculated to impress awe +on the youthful mind than the contemplation of those features in death +which have been respected and revered while living. Such respect had +ever been entertained by Charles Sparkle for the supposed friend of +Mr. Orford, from whom he had several times received the most kind and +affectionate advice; and his sensations upon discovering that friend +to be no other than his own father, may be more easily conceived than +described--he was at once exalted and humbled, delighted and afflicted. +He threw himself in an agony of feeling by the bed-side, fell on his +knees, in which he was joined by the clergyman and Orford, where he +remained some time. + +After the first paroxysms of grief had subsided, young Sparkle, who had +already felt the strongest impression that could possibly be made on +a naturally good heart, gave orders for the funeral of his deceased +father, and then proceeded to make other arrangements suitable to +the character he was hereafter to sustain through life, went down +to Wiltshire, and took possession of his estate, where for a time he +secluded himself, and devoted his attention to the perusal of the +best authors in the English, French, and Italian language, under the +superintendence of the reverend Divine, who had been a resident for many +years with his father. + +But a life in the country could not long have superior charms for a +young man who had already seen much to admire, as well as much to avoid, +in the metropolis. The combination however of theoretical information +he had derived from books, as well as the practical observations he had +made during his residence in London, fitted him at once for the +gayest and most distinguished circles of ~41~~metropolitan society. +He therefore arranged with Mr. Orford, who had formerly acted as his +parent, to continue with him in the capacity of steward, and for the +last two years of his life had been almost a constant resident at +“Long's Hotel”, in Bond Street, not choosing to have the charge of an +establishment in town; and the early friendship and attachment which +had been cultivated at Oxford being again renewed, appeared to grow with +their growth, and strengthen with their strength. + +Sparkle had still a large portion of that vivacity for which he was so +remarkable in his younger days. His motives and intentions were at all +times good, and if he indulged himself in the pursuits of frolic and +fun, it was never at the expence of creating an unpleasant feeling to an +honest or honourable mind. His fortune was ample. He had a hand to give, +and a heart to forgive; no “malice or hatred were there to be found:” + but of these qualifications, and the exercise of them, sufficient traits +will be given in the ensuing pages. No man was better _up_ to the rigs +of the town; no one better _down_ to the manoeuvres of the _flats_, and +_sharps_. He had mingled with life in all companies; he was at once an +elegant and interesting companion; his views were extensive upon all +subjects; his conversation lively, and his manners polished. + +Such, gentle reader, is the brief sketch of Charles Sparkle, the +esteemed friend of the Hon. Tom Dashall, and with such recommendations +it will not be wondered at if he should become also the friend of +Tally-ho; for, although living in the height of fashionable splendour, +his mind was at all times in consonance with the lines which precede +this chapter; yet none could be more ready to lend a hand in any +pleasant party in pursuit of a bit of _gig. A mill at Moulsey Hurst--a +badger-bait, or bear-bait--a main at the Cock-pit--a smock-race_--or +a scamper to the Tipping hunt, ultimately claimed his attention; while +upon all occasions he was an acute observer of life and character. + + “His years but young, but his experience old, + His heart unmellow'd, though his judgment ripe, + And in a word, (for far behind his worth + Come all the praises that we now bestow) + He is complete in conduct and in mind, + With all good grace, to grace a gentleman.” + +~42~~But dinner is over, and we must now accompany our triumvirate to +the drawing-room, where we find them seated with bottles, glasses, &c. +determined to make a quiet evening after the fatigues of the journey, +and with a view to prepare themselves for the more arduous, and to +Tally-ho more interesting, pursuits in the new world, for such he almost +considered London. + +“Yes,” said Sparkle, addressing himself to Bob, with whom a little +previous conversation had almost rendered him familiar, “London is a +world within itself; it is, indeed, the only place to see life--it is +the “_multum in parvo_,” as the old song says, + + “Would you see the world in little, + Ye curious here repair;” + +it is the acmé of perfection, the “_summum bonum_” of style---indeed, +there is a certain affectation of style from the highest to the lowest +individual.” + +“You are a merry and stylish fellow,” said Tom; we should have been +hipp'd without you, there is a fund of amusement in you at all times.” + +“You are a bit of a wag,” replied Sparkle, “but I am up to your gossip, +and can serve you out in your own style.” + +“Every body,” says Tallyho, “appears to live in style.” + +“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “_living in style_ is one of the most +essential requisites for a residence in London; but I'll give you my +idea of living in style, which, by many, is literally nothing more +than keeping up appearances at other people's expence: for instance, a +Duchess conceives it to consist in taking her breakfast at three o'clock +in the afternoon--dining at eight--playing at Faro till four the next +morning--supping at five, and going to bed at six--and to eat green peas +and peaches in January--in making a half-curtsey at the creed, and a +whole one to a scoundrel--in giving fifty guineas to an exotic capon for +a pit-ticket--and treating the deserved claims of a parental actor with +contempt--to lisp for the mere purpose of appearing singular, and to +seem completely ignorant of the Mosaic law--to be in the reverse of +extremes--to laugh when she could weep, and weep when she could .dance +and be merry--to leave her compliment cards with her acquaintance, whom +at the same moment she wishes she may never see again--to speak of the +community ~43~~with marked disrespect, and to consider the sacrament a +bore!” + +“Admirable!” said Tom. + +“Wonderful, indeed!” exclaimed Tallyho. + +“Aye, aye, London is full of wonders--there is a general and insatiate +appetite for the marvellous; but let us proceed: Now we'll take the +reverse of the picture. The Duke thinks he does things in style, by +paying his debts of honour contracted at the gaming-table, and but very +few honourable debts--by being harsh and severe to a private supplicant, +while he is publicly a liberal subscriber to a person he never saw--by +leaving his vis-a-vis at the door of a well-known courtesan, in order +to have the credit of an intrigue--in making use of an optical glass for +personal inspection, though he can ascertain the horizon without any--by +being or seeming to be, every thing that is in opposition to nature and +virtue--in counting the lines in the Red Book, and carefully watching +the importation of _figurantes_ from the Continent--in roundly declaring +that a man of fashion is a being of a superior order, and ought to be +amenable only to himself--in jumbling ethics and physics together, so as +to make them destroy each other--in walking arm in arm with a sneering +jockey--talking loudly any thing but sense--and in burning long letters +without once looking at their contents;... and so much for my Lord +Duke.” + +“Go along Bob!” exclaimed Tom. + +Tallyho conceiving himself addressed by this, looked up with an air +of surprise and enquiry, which excited the risibility of Dashall and +Sparkle, till it was explained to him as a common phrase in London, with +which he would soon become more familiar. Sparkle continued. + +“The gay young Peerling, who is scarcely entitled to the honours and +immunities of manhood, is satisfied he is _doing things in style_, by +raising large sums of money on _post-obit_ bonds, at the very moderate +premium of 40 per cent.--in _queering_ the clergyman at his father's +table, and leaving the marks of his finger and thumb on the article +of matrimony in his aunt's prayer-book--in kicking up a row at the +theatre, when he knows he has some roaring bullies at his elbow, though +humble and dastardly when alone--in keeping a dashing _impure_, +who publicly squanders away his money, and privately laughs at +his follies--in buying a phaeton as high as a two pair of stairs +~44~~window, and a dozen of spanking bays at Tattersall's, and in +dashing through St. James's Street, Pall Mall, Piccadilly, and Hyde +Park, thus accompanied and accoutred, amidst the contumelies of the +coxcombs and the sighs of the worthy. And these are pictures of high +life, of which the originals are to be seen daily. + +“The haberdasher of Cheapside, whose father, by adherence to the +most rigid economy, had amassed a competence, and who transmitted his +property, without his prudence, to his darling son, is determined to +shew his spirit, by buying a _bit of blood_, keeping his gig, his girl, +and a thatched cottage on the skirts of Epping Forest, or Sydenham +Common; but as keeping a girl and a gig would be a nothing unless +all the world were _up to it_, he regularly drives her to all the +boxing-matches, the Epping hunt, and all the races at Barnet, Epsom, +Egham, and Ascot Heath, where he places himself in one of the most +conspicuous situations; and as he knows his racing, &c. must eventually +distinguish his name in the Gazette with a whereas! he rejoices in the +progress and acceleration of his own ruin, and, placing his arms akimbo, +he laughs, sings, swears, swaggers, and vociferates--'What d'ye think o' +that now,--is'nt this doing it in stile, eh?' + +“Prime of life to go it, where's a place like London? Four in hand +to-day, the next you may be undone.” + +[Illustration: page44 Epson Racers] + +“Well, Sir, the mercer's wife, from Watling Street, thinks living +in style is evinced by going once a year to a masquerade at the new +Museodeum, or Argyle Rooms; having her daughters taught French, dancing, +and music--dancing a minuet at Prewterers' Hall, or Mr. Wilson's{1} +annual benefit--in getting a good situation in the green boxes--going +to Hampstead or Copenhagen House in a glass coach on a Sunday--having +card-parties at home + + 1 Mr. Wilson's flaming bills of “Dancing at the Old Bailey,” + which are so profusely stuck up about the city, are said to + have occasioned several awkward jokes and blunders; among + others related, is that of a great unintellectual Yorkshire + booby, who, after staring at the bills with his mouth open, + and his saucer eyes nearly starting out of his head with + astonishment, exclaimed, “Dang the buttons on't, I zee'd urn + dangling all of a row last Wednesday at t' Ould Bailey, but + didn't know as how they call'd that danzing,--by gum there + be no understanding these here Lunnun folk!” + + +~45~~during Lent, declaring she never drinks any thing else but the +_most bestest_ gunpowder tea, that she has a most _screwciating_ cold, +and that the country air is always _salubrus_, and sure to do her good. + +“So much for living in style, and good breeding.” + + “That's your true breeding--that's your sort my boys-- + Fun, fire, and pathos--metre, mirth, and noise; + To make you die with laughter, or the hiccups, + Tickle your favourites, or smash your tea-cups.” + +“By the way, in former times the term _good-breeding_ meant a +combination of all that was amiable and excellent; and a well-bred +person would shrink from an action or expression that could possibly +wound the feelings of another; its foundation was laid in truth, and +its supporting pillars were justice and integrity, sensibility and +philanthropy; but + + “In this gay age--in Taste's enlighten'd times, + When Fashion sanctifies the basest crimes; + E'en not to swear and game were impolite, + Since he who sins in _style_ must sure be right.” + +A well-bred person must learn to smile when he is angry, and to laugh +even when he is vexed to the very soul. + +“It would be the height of _mauvaise honte_ for a wellbred person to +blush upon any occasions whatever; no young lady blushes after eleven +years of age; to study the expression of the countenance of others, in +order to govern your own, is indispensably necessary. + +“In former times, no well-bred person would have uttered a falsehood; +but now such ideas are completely exploded, and such conduct would now +be termed a _bore_. My Lord Portly remarks, 'It is a cold day.' 'Yes, my +Lord, it is a very cold day,' replies Major Punt. In two minutes after, +meeting Lord Lounge, who observes he thinks the weather very warm--'Yes, +very warm, my Lord,' is the reply--thus contradicting himself almost in +the same breath. It would be perfectly inconsistent in a well-bred +man to think, for fear of being absent. When he enters or leaves a +drawing-room, he should round his shoulders, drop his head, and +imitate a clown or a coachman. This has the effect of the best _ruse +de guerre_--for it serves to astonish the ladies, when they afterwards +~46~~discover, by the familiarity of his address, and his unrestrained +manners, what a well-bred man he is; for he will address every fair one +in the room in the most enchanting terms, except her to whom in the same +party he had previously paid the most particular attention; and on her +he will contrive to turn his back for the whole evening, and if he is a +man of fashion, he will thus cause triumph to the other ladies, and save +the neglected fair one from envious and slanderous whisperings.” + +“An admirable picture of living in style, and good breeding, indeed!” + cried Tom. “The game is in view and well worth pursuit; so hark forward! +hark forward! my boys.” + +Sparkle, now recollecting his engagement--with “you know who” as he +significantly observed in the last Chapter, withdrew, after promising to +take a stroll by way of killing an hour or two with them in the morning; +and Tom and his Cousin soon after retired to rest-- + + “Perchance to sleep, perchance to dream.” + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + “The alarm was so strong. + So loud and so long, + 'Twas surely some robber, or sprite, + Who without any doubt + Was prowling about + To fill ev'ry heart with affright.” + +~47~~THE smiles of a May morning, bedecked with the splendid rays of a +rising sun, awakened Tallyho about five o'clock, and being accustomed to +rise early in the country, he left the downy couch of soft repose, and +sought his way down stairs. Not a sound of any kind was to be heard in +the house, but the rattling of the carts and the coaches in the streets, +with the deep-toned accompaniment of a dustman's bell, and an occasional +_ab libitum_ of “Clothes--clothes sale,” gave Bob an idea that all the +world was moving. However he could find nobody up; he walked into the +drawing-room, amused himself for some time by looking out of the window, +indulging his observations and remarks, without knowing what to make of +the moving mass of incongruities which met his eye, and wondering what +time the servants of the house would wake: he tried the street-door, but +found it locked, bolted, and chained; and if he had known where to have +found his friend Tom, he would have aroused him with _the View halloo_. + +“It is strange,” thought he to himself, “all the world seems abroad, +and yet not a soul stirring here!” Then checking the current of his +reflections, “But this,” said he, “is Life in London. Egad! I must not +make a noise, because it will not be _good breeding_.” In this wray he +sauntered about the house for near two hours, till at last espying his +portmanteau, which had been left in the passage by the servants the +previous evening--“I'll carry this up stairs,” said he, “by way of +amusement;” and carelessly shouldering the portmanteau, he was walking +~48~~deliberately up stairs, when his ears were suddenly attracted by a +loud cry of “Murder, murder, thieves, murder!” and the violent ringing +of a bell. Alarmed at these extraordinary sounds, which appeared to be +near him at a moment when he conceived no soul was stirring, he dropped +his portmanteau over the banisters, which fell, (demolishing in its way +an elegant Grecian patent lamp with glass shades, drops, &c.) into the +passage below with a hideous crash, while the cry of Murder, thieves, +murder, was repeated by many voices, and rendered him almost immoveable. +In the next moment, the butler, the cook, the groom, and indeed every +person in the house, appeared on the stair-case, some almost in a state +of nudity, and shrinking from each other's gaze, and all armed with +such weapons as chance had thrown in their way, to attack the supposed +depredator. + +Among the rest, fortunately for Tallyho, (who stood balancing himself +against the banisters in a state of indecision whether he should ascend +or descend) Tom Dashall in his night-gown burst out of his room in alarm +at the noise, with a brace of pistols, one in his hand in the very act +of cocking it, and the other placed in convenient readiness under his +left arm. “Why, what the devil is the matter?” vociferated he, and at +that moment his eye caught the agitated figure of his Cousin Bob, on the +half-landing place below him. At the sound of his well-known voice, the +innocent and unsuspecting cause of this confusion and alarm looked up +at his friend, as if half afraid and half ashamed of the occurrence, and +stammered out, “Where is the thief?--Who is murdered?--I'll swear there +is something broke somewhere--tell me which way to go!” Tom looked +around him at the group of half-clad nymphs and swains, (who were now +huddling together, conceiving their security lay in combination, and +finding all eyes were placed with astonishment and wonder on Bob) began +to see through what had happened, and burst into an immoderate fit of +laughter; which relieved the frightened damsels, but so confounded poor +Tallyho, that he scarcely knew whether he was standing on his head or +his heels. “Why,” said Tom, addressing himself to his Cousin, “you will +get yourself murdered if you go wandering about people's houses at the +dead of the night in this manner--are you asleep or awake?--who have you +made an assignation with--or ~49~~where are you going to--what are you +up to, Master Bobby, eh?--These tricks won't do here!” + + “Is't Love's unhallow'd flame invites to roam, + And bids you from your pillow creep? + Or say, why thus disturb my peaceful home, + Like Macbeth, who doth murder sleep.” + +Tallyho was unable to reply: he looked down over the banister--he looked +up at the risible features of Tom Dashall, who was almost bursting at +the ludicrous situation in which he found his friend and his servants. +“Come,” said Tom, “there are no thieves--all's right”--to the +servants, “you may quiet your minds and go to business. Bob, I'll be +down with you presently.” Upon this, the stair-case was cleared in an +instant of all but the unfortunate Tallyho; and peace appeared to +be restored in the family, but not to Bob's mind, conceiving he had +committed a gross violation of good breeding, and shewn but a bad +specimen of his aptitude to become a learner of London manners. It must +be confessed, it was rather an awkward commencement; however, in a few +minutes, recovering himself from the fright, he crawled gently down the +stairs, and took a survey of the devastation he had made--cursed the +lamp, d----d the portmanteau--then snatching it from the ruin before +him, and again placing his luggage on his shoulder, he quietly walked up +stairs to his bed-room. + +It is much to be lamented in this wonderful age of discovery and +continual improvement, that our philosophers have not yet found out a +mode of supplying the place of glass (as almost every thing else) with +cast-iron. The substitution of gas for oil has long been talked of, as +one of national importance, even so much so, that one man, whose ideas +were as brilliant as his own experiments, has endeavoured to shew that +its produce would in a short time pay off the national debt!{1} + +“A consummation devoutly to be wished;” and experience has taught the +world at large there is nothing impossible, nor is there any one in +existence more credulous than honest John Bull. But we are + + 1 Mr. Winsor, the original lecturer on the powers of gas, in + Pall Mall. + +~50~~digressing from the adventure of the lamp, however it was +occasioned, by clearly proving it was not a _patent safety-lamp_: and +that among the luxuries of the Hon. Tom Dashall's habitation, gas had +not yet been introduced, will speedily be discovered. + +Upon arriving in his bed-room, wondering within himself how he should +repair the blundering mistake, of which he had so unluckily been the +unwilling and unconscious author, he found himself in a new dilemma, +as the receptacle of the oil had fallen with the lamp, and plentifully +bedewed the portmanteau with its contents, so that he had now +transferred the savoury fluid to his coat, waistcoat, cravat, and shirt. +What was to be done in such a case? He could not make his appearance in +that state; but his mortifications were not yet at an end-- + + “Hills over hills, and Alps on Alps arise.” + +The key of his portmanteau was missing; he rummaged all his pockets +in vain--he turned them inside out--it was not here--it was not +there; enraged at the multiplicity of disappointments to which he was +subjected, he cut open the leathern carriage of his wardrobe with +a penknife; undressed, and re-dressed himself; by which time it was +half-past eight o'clock. His Cousin Tom, who had hurried down according +to promise, had in the mean time been making enquiry after him, and now +entered the room, singing, + + “And all with attention would eagerly mark: + When he cheer'd up the pack--Hark! to Rockwood hark! hark!” + +At the sight of Dashall, he recovered himself from his embarrassment, +and descended with him to the breakfast-parlour. + +“Did you send to Robinson's?” enquired Tom of one of the servants, as +they entered the room. “Yes, Sir,” was the reply; “and Weston's too?” + continued he; being answered in the affirmative, “then let us have +breakfast directly.” Then turning to Bob, “Sparkle,” said he, “promised +to be with us about eleven, for the purpose of taking a stroll; in the +mean time we must dress and make ready.”--“Dress,” said Bob, “Egad! +I have dressed and made ready twice already this morning.” He then +~51~~recounted the adventures above recorded; at which Dashall +repeatedly burst into fits of immoderate laughter. Breakfast being over, +a person from Mr. Robinson's was announced, and ushered into the room. + +A more prepossessing appearance had scarcely met Bob's eye--a tall, +elegant young man, dressed in black, cut in the extreme of fashion, +whose features bespoke intelligence, and whose air and manner were +indicative of a something which to him was quite new. He arose upon his +entrance, and made a formal bow; which was returned by the youth. “Good +morning, gentlemen.”--“Good morning, Mr. R----,” said Tom, mentioning +a name celebrated by + +Pope in the following lines: + + “But all my praises, why should lords engross? + Bise, honest Muse, and sing the man of Boss.” + +“I am happy to have the honour of seeing you in town again, Sir! +The fashionables are mustering very strong, and the prospect of the +approaching coronation appears to be very attractive.” During this +time he was occupied in opening a leathern case, which contained combs, +brushes, &c.; then taking off his coat, he appeared in a jacket with an +apron, which, like a fashionable _pinafore_ of the present day, nearly +concealed his person, from his chin to his toes. “Yes,” replied Dashall, +“the coronation is a subject of deep importance just now in the +circles of fashion,” seating himself in his chair, in readiness for the +operator,{1} who, Bob now discovered, was no other than the _Peruquier_. + + 1 The progress of taste and refinement is visible in all + situations, and the language of putting has become so well + understood by all ranks of society, that it is made use of + by the most humble and obscure tradesmen of the metropolis. + One remarkable instance ought not to be omitted here. In a + narrow dirty street, leading from the Temple towards + Blackfriars, over a small triangular-fronted shop, scarcely + big enough to hold three persons at a time, the eye of the + passing traveller is greeted with the following welcome + information, painted in large and legible characters, the + letters being each nearly a foot in size:-- + + HAIR CUT AND MODERNIZED!!! + + This is the true “_Multum in parvo_ “--a combination of + the “_Utile et dulce_,” the very acme of perfection. + Surely, after this, to Robinson, Vickery, Boss, and Cryer, we + may say--“Ye lesser stars, hide your diminished heads.” + + The art of puffing may be further illustrated by the + following specimen of the Sublime, which is inserted here + for the information of such persons as, residing in the + country, have had no opportunity of seeing the original. + “R---- makes gentlemen's and ladies' perukes on an entire + new system; which for lightness, taste, and ease, are + superior to any other in Europe. He has exerted the genius + and abilities of the first artists to complete his + exhibition of ornamental hair, in all its luxuriant + varieties, where the elegance of nature and convenience of + art are so blended, as at once to rival and ameliorate each + other. Here his fair patrons may uninterruptedly examine the + effects of artificial tresses, or toupees of all + complexions, and, in a trial on themselves, blend the + different tints with their own!” + + The strife for pre-eminence in this art is not however + confined to this country; for we find an instance recorded + in an American newspaper, which may perhaps be equally + amusing and acceptable:-- + + “A. C. D. La vigne, having heard of the envious expressions + uttered by certain common barbers, miserable chin-scrapers, + and frizulary quacks, tending to depreciate that superiority + which genius is entitled to, and talents will invariably + command, hereby puts them and their vulgar arts at defiance; + and, scorning to hold parley with such sneaking imps, + proposes to any gentleman to defend and maintain, at his + shop, the head quarters of fashion, No. 6, South Gay Street, + against all persons whomsoever, his title to supremacy in + curlery, wiggery, and razory, to the amount of one hundred + dollars and upwards. As hostile as he is to that low style + of puffery adopted by a certain adventurer, 'yclept Higgins, + Lavigne cannot avoid declaring, in the face of the world, + that his education has been scientifical; that after having + finished his studies at Paris, he took the tour of the + universe, having had the rare fortune of regulating the + heads of Catherine the Second, and the Grand Turk; the King + of Prussia, and the Emperor of China; the Mamelukes of + Egypt, and the Dey of Algiers; together with all the ladies + of their respective Courts. He has visited the Cape of Good + Hope, India, Java, Madagascar, Tartary, and Kamschatka, + whence he reached the United States by the way of Cape Horn. + In England he had previously tarried, where he delivered + Lectures on Heads in great style. He has at last settled in + Baltimore, determined to devote the remainder of his days to + the high profession to which his des-tiny has called him; + inviting all the literati, the lovers of the arts and + sciences, to visit him at his laboratory of beauty, where he + has separate rooms for accommodating ladies and gentlemen, + who desire to adorn their heads with _hair_udition. “Can + France, England--nay, the world itself, produce such + another specimen of puffing and barberism? + +~53~~“And pray,” continued Tom, “what is there new in the haut ton? +Has there been any thing of importance to attract attention since my +absence? “Nothing very particular,” was the reply--“all very dull and +flat. Rumour however, as usual, has not been inactive; two or three +trifling faux pas, and--oh!--yes--two duels--one in the literary world: +two authors, who, after attacking each other with the quill, chose to +decide their quarrel with the pistol, and poor Scot lost his life! But +how should authors understand such things? The other has made a great +noise in the world--You like the Corinthian cut, I believe, Sir?” + +“I believe so too,” said Tom--“but don't you cut the duel so short--who +were the parties?” + +“Oh! aye, why one, Sir, was a celebrated leader of ton, no other than +Lord Shampêtre, and the other Mr. Webb, a gentleman well known: it was +a sort of family affair. His lordship's gallantry and courage, +however, were put to the test, and the result bids fair to increase his +popularity. The cause was nothing very extraordinary, but the effect had +nearly proved fatal to his Lordship.” + +“What, was he wounded?” enquired Tom. + +“It was thought so at first,” replied the _Peruquier_, “but it was +afterwards discovered that his Lordship had only fainted at the report +of his opponent's pistol.” + +“Ha! ha! ha!” said Tom, “then it was a bloodless battle--but I should +like to know more of the particulars.” + +“Hold your head a little more this way, Sir, if you please--that will +do, I thank you, Sir;--why, it appears, that in attempting to fulfil an +assignation with Mr. Webb's wife, the husband, who had got scent of +the appointment, as to place and time, lustily cudgelled the dandy Lord +Whiskerphiz, and rescued his own brows from certain other fashionable +appendages, for which he had no relish. His Lordship's whiskers were +injured, by which circumstance some people might conceive his features +and appearance must have been improved, however that was not his +opinion; his bones were sore, and his mind (that is to say, as +the public supposed) hurt. The subject became a general theme of +conversation, a Commoner had thrashed a Lord!--flesh and blood could not +bear it--but then such flesh and blood could as little bear the thought +of a duel--Lord Polly was made the bearer of a challenge--a meeting took +place, and at the first fire his Lordship fell. A fine subject for the +caricaturists, and they have not failed to make a good use of it. The +fire of his Lordship's features ~54~~was so completely obscured by his +whiskers and mustachios, that it was immediately concluded the shot had +proved mortal, till Lord Polly (who had taken refuge for safety behind a +neighbouring tree) advancing, drew a bottle from his pocket, which, +upon application to his nose, had the desired effect of restoring +the half-dead duellist to life and light. The Seconds interfered, and +succeeded in bringing the matter to a conclusion, and preventing the +expected dissolution of Shampetre, who, report says, has determined not +to place himself in such a perilous situation again. The fright +caused him a severe illness, from which he has scarcely yet recovered +sufficiently to appear in public--I believe that will do, Sir; will you +look in the glass--can I make any alteration?” + +“Perhaps not in your story,” replied Tom; “and as to my head, so as you +do not make it like the one you have been speaking of, I rely solely on +your taste and judgment.” + +The Peruquier made his bow--“Sir, your politeness is well known!” then +turning to Tallyho, “Will you allow me the honour of officiating for +you, Sir?” + +“Certainly,” replied Bob, who by this time had seen the alteration made +in his Cousin's appearance, as well as been delighted with the account +of the duel, at which they all laughed during the narration--and +immediately prepared for action, while Dashall continued his enquiries +as to the fashionable occurrences during his absence. + +“There have been some other circumstances, of minor importance,” + continued the Peruquier--“it is said that a certain Lord, of high +military character, has lost considerable sums of money, and seriously +impaired his fortune--Lord ---- and a friend are completely ruined at +hazard--there was a most excellent mill at Moulsey Hurst on Thursday +last, between the Gas-light man, who appears to be a game chicken, and a +prime hammerer--he can give and take with any man--and Oliver--Gas beat +him hollow, it was all Lombard-street to a china orange. The Masked +Festival on the 18th is a subject of considerable attraction, and +wigs of every nature, style, and fashion, are in high request for the +occasion--The Bob, the Tye, the Natural Scratch, the Full Bottom, the +Queue, the Curl, the Clerical, the Narcissus, the Auricula, the Capital, +the Corinthian, the Roman, the Spanish, the French, the Dutch--oh! we +are full of business just now. Speaking of the art, by the by, reminds +me of a circumstance which occurred a very ~55~~short time back, and +which shows such a striking contrast between the low-bred citizens, +and the True Blues of the West!--have the kindness to hold your head a +little on one side, Sir, if you please--a little more towards the light, +if you please--that will do excellently--why you'll look quite another +thing!--From the country, I presume?” “You are right,” said Bob, “but I +don't want a wig just yet.” + +“Shall be happy to fit you upon all occasions--masquerade, ball, or +supper, Sir: you may perhaps wish to go out, as we say in the West, in +coy.--happy to receive your commands at any time, prompt attention and +dispatch.” + +“Zounds! you are clipping the wig too close,” said Tom, impatient to hear +the story, “and if you go on at this rate, you won't leave us even the +_tail_ (tale).” + +“Right, Sir, I take--'and thereby hangs a tale.' The observation is +in point, _verbum sat_, as the latinist would say. Well, Sir, as I was +saying, a citizen, with a design to outdo his neighbours, called at +one of the first shops in London a very short time since, and gave +particular orders to have his _pericranium_ fitted with a wig of the +true royal cut. The dimensions of his upper story were taken--the order +executed to the very letter of the instructions--it fitted like wax--it +was nature--nay it soared beyond nature--it was the perfection of +art--the very acmé of science! Conception was outdone, and there is no +power in language to describe it. He was delighted; his wife was charmed +with the idea of a new husband, and he with his new wig; but + + “Now comes the pleasant joke of all, + 'Tis when too close attack'd we fall.” + +The account was produced---would you believe it, he refused to have +it--he objected to the price.” + +“The devil take it!” said Tom, “object to pay for the acme of +perfection; this unnaturally natural wig would have fetched any money +among the collectors of curiosities.” + +“What was the price?” enquired Bob. + +“Trifling, Sir, very trifling, to an artist 'of the first water,' as a +jeweller would say by his diamonds--only thirty guineas!!!” + +“Thirty guineas!” exclaimed Bob, starting from his seat, and almost +overturning the _modernizer_ of his head. + +~56~~Then, recollecting Sparkle's account of Living in Style, and Good +Breeding, falling gently into his seat again. + +“Did I hurt you, Sir?” exclaimed the Peruquier. + +Dashall bit his lip, and smiled at the surprise of his Cousin, which was +now so visibly depicted in his countenance. + +“Not at all,” replied Tallyho. + +“In two minutes more, Sir, your head will be a grace to; Bond Street or +St. James's; it cuts well, and looks well; and if you will allow me to +attend you once a month, it will continue so.” + +Tom hummed a tune, and looked out of the window; the other two were +silent till Bob was released. Tom _tip'd the blunt_, and the interesting +young man made his congé, and departed. + +“A very interesting and amusing sort of person,” said Bob. + +“Yes,” replied Tom, “he is a walking volume of information: he knows +something of every thing, and almost of every body. He has been in +better circumstances, and seen a great deal of life; his history is +somewhat remarkable, and some particulars, not generally known, have +excited a considerable portion of interest in his fate among those +who are acquainted with them. He is the son, before marriage, of +a respectable and worthy tradesman, a celebrated vender of bear's +grease,{1} lately deceased, who + + + 1 The infallibility of this specimen cannot possibly be + doubted, after reading the following + + Advertisement: + “Bear's grease has virtues, many, great and rare; + To hair decay'd, life, health, and vigour giving; + + 'Tis sold by----, fam'd for cutting hair, + + At -----.----------------------------------- living. + + Who then would lose a head of hair for trying? + A thousand tongues are heard 'I won't,' replying; + + T----r no doubt with bear's grease can supply + A thousand more, when they're dispos'd to buy. + + No deception!--Seven Bears publicly exhibited in seven + months, and not an agent on the globe's surface.--Sold upon + oath, from 1L. to 10s. 6d. The smallest child will direct + to ----, near the church--a real Bear over the door, + where a good peruke is charged 1L.. 10s. equal to those + produced by Mr. T., at B----ss's, for 2L. 12s. 6d.--Scalp + 10s. 6d.~and 6d. only for hair-cutting--never refusing one + shilling. + + N. B. Bear's-grease effects wonders for the knees &c. of + horses.” + +~57~~resided in the vicinity of Cornhill, and was for many years brought +up under his roof as his nephew; in which situation, the elegance of his +person, the vivacity of his disposition, and the general information he +acquired, became subjects of attraction. His education was respectable +for his situation, and his allowance liberal. His father however +marrying a young lady of some property, and he, 'gay, light, and airy,' +falling into bad hands, found his finances not sufficient to support +the company he kept, and by these means involved himself in pecuniary +difficulties, which, however, (if report say true) were more than once +or twice averted by the indulgent parent. In the course of time, the +family was increased by two sons, but he continued the flower of the +flock. At length it was intended by his father to retire, in part, from +business, and leave its management to this young man, and another who +had been many years in his service, and whose successful endeavours in +promoting his interest were well deserving his consideration; and the +writings for this purpose were actually drawn up. Previous however +to their execution, he was dispatched to Edinburgh, to superintend an +extensive concern of his father's in that city, where, meeting with +an amiable young lady with some expectations, he married without the +consent of his parent, a circumstance which drew down upon him the good +man's displeasure. + +“Not at all dismayed at this, he almost immediately left his father's +shop, and set up business for himself in the same neighbourhood, where +he continued for two or three years, living, as it was supposed, upon +the produce of his matrimonial connexion. At length, however, it was +discovered that he was insolvent, and bankruptcy became the consequence. +Here he remained till affairs were arranged, and then returned to London +with his wife and two children. + +“In the mean time, the legitimate family of his father had become useful +in the business, and acquainted with his former indiscretions, which, +consequently, were not likely to be obliterated from the old gentleman's +recollection. Without money and without prospect, he arrived in London, +where, for some unliquidated debt, he was arrested and became a resident +in the King's Bench, from which he was liberated by the Insolvent +Debtor's Act. Emancipated from this, he took small shops, or rather +rooms, in various parts of the city, vainly endeavouring to ~58~~support +the character he had formerly maintained. These however proved abortive. +Appeals to his father were found fruitless, and he has consequently, +after a series of vicissitudes, been compelled to act as a journeyman. + +In the career of his youth, he distinguished himself as a dashing, +high-spirited fellow. He was selected as fuegel man to a regiment of +Volunteers, and made himself conspicuous at the celebrated O. P. row, at +the opening of Covent Garden Theatre, on which occasion he attracted the +notice of the Caricaturists,{1} and was generally known in the circles +of High Life, by his attendance on the first families on behalf of his +father. + +But perhaps the most remarkable circumstance took place at his deceased +parent's funeral. Being so reduced at that time as to have no power even +of providing the necessary apparel to manifest the respect, gratitude, +and affection, he had ever entertained for the author of his being; +and as a natural son has no legal claims upon his father, so naturally +nothing was left for him; he applied by letter to the legitimates for a +suit of mourning, and permission to attend the remains of their common +father to the last receptacle of mortality, which being peremptorily +refused, he raised a subscription, obtained clothing, with a gown and +hatband, and, as the melancholy procession was moving to the parish +church, which was but a few yards distance, he rushed from his +hiding-place, stationed himself immediately in the front of the other +attendants upon the occasion, and actually accompanied the corpse as +chief mourner, having previously concerted with his own mother to be +upon the spot. When the body was deposited in the vault, he took her +by the hand, led her down the steps, and gave some directions to the +bearers as to the situation of the coffin, while the other mourners, +panic-struck at the extraordinary circumstances in which they found +themselves, turned about and walked in mournful silence back, ruminating +on the past with amazement, and full of conjecture for the future. + + 1 A caricature of a similar nature to the one alluded to by + Dashall in this description, was certainly exhibited at the + time of the memorable 0. P. row, which exhibited a young man + of genteel appearance in the pit of Covent Garden Theatre, + addressing the audience. It had inscribed at the bottom + of it, + + Is this Barber-Ross-a? + + in allusion (no doubt) to the tragedy of Barbarossa. + +~59~~“It was an extraordinary situation for all parties,” said Bob; “but +hold, who have we here?--Egad! there is an elegant carriage drawn up to +the door; some Lord, or Nobleman, I'll be bound for it--We can't be seen +in this deshabille, I shall make my escape.” And saying this, he was +hastening out of the room. + +“Ha! ha! ha!” exclaimed Tom, “you need not be so speedy in your flight. +This is one of the fashionable requisites of London, with whom you +must also become acquainted; there is no such thing as doing without +them--dress and address are indispensables. This is no other than one of +the decorators.” + +“Decorators!” continued Bob, not exactly comprehending him. + +“Monsieur le Tailleur--'Tin Mr. W----, from Cork Street, come to +exhibit his Spring patterns, and turn us out with the new cut--so pray +remain where you are.” + +“Tailor--decorator,” said Bob--“Egad! the idea is almost as ridiculous +as the representation of the taylor riding to Brentford.” + +By this time the door was opened, and Mr. W. entered, making his bow +with the precision of a dancing-master, and was followed by a servant +with pattern-books, the other apparatus of his trade. The first +salutations over, large pattern-books were displayed upon the table, +exhibiting to view a variety of fancy-coloured cloths, and measures +taken accordingly. During which time, Tom, as on the former occasion, +continued his enquiries relative to the occurrences in the fashionable +world. + +“Rather tame, Sir, at present: the Queen's unexpected visit to the two +theatres was for a time a matter of surprise--the backwardness of Drury +Lane managers to produce 'God Save the King,' has been construed into +disloyalty to the Sovereign--and a laughable circumstance took place on +his going to the same house a few nights back, which has already been +made the subject of much merriment, both in conversation and caricature. +It appears that Mr. Gloss'em, who is a _shining character_ in the +theatrical world, at least among the minors of the metropolis; and whose +father was for many years a wax-chandler in the neighbourhood of Soho, +holds a situation as clerk of the cheque to the Gentlemen Pensioners +of his Majesty's household, as well as that of Major Domo, manager and +proprietor of a certain theatre, not half a mile from Waterloo Bridge. + +~60~~A part of his duty in the former capacity is to attend occasionally +upon the person of the King, as one of the appendages of Royalty; in +which _character_ he appeared on the night in question. The servants +of the attendants who were in waiting for their masters, had a room +appropriated to their use. One of these latter gentry, no other than +Gloss'em's servant, being anxious to have as near a view of the sacred +person of his Majesty as his employer, had placed himself in a good +situation at the door, in order to witness his departure, when a Mr. +Winpebble, of mismanaging notoriety, and also a ponderous puff, assuming +managerial authority, espying him, desired the police-officers and +guards in attendance to turn out the lamp-lighter's boy, pointing to +Gloss'em's servant. This, it seems, was no sooner said than done, at the +point of the bayonet. Some little scuffle ensued--His Majesty and suite +departed--Hold up your arm, Sir.” + +“But did the matter end there?” enquired Dashall. + +“O dear, no--not exactly.” + +“Because if it did,” continued Tom, “in my opinion, it began with a wax +taper, and ended in the smoke of a farthing rushlight. You have made it +appear to be a gas-receiver without supplies.” + +“I beg pardon,” said Mr. W.; “the pipes are full, but the gas is not yet +turned on.” + +This created a laugh, and Mr. W. proceeded:-- + +“The next day, the servant having informed his Master of the treatment +he had received, a gentleman was dispatched from Gloss'em to Winpebble, +to demand an apology: which being refused, the former, with a large +horsewhip under his arm, accosted the latter, and handsomely belaboured +his shoulders with lusty stripes. That, you see, Sir, sets the gas all +in a blaze.--That will do, Sir.--Now, Sir, at your service,” addressing +himself to Tallyho. + +“Yes,” said Tom, “the taper's alight again now; and pray what was the +consequence?” + +“Winpebble called for assistance, which was soon obtained, and away they +went to Bow-street. Manager Taper, and Manager Vapour--the one blazing +with fire, and the other exhausted with thrashing;--'twas a laughing +scene. Manager Strutt, and Manager Butt, were strutting and butting +each other. The magistrate heard the case, and recommended peace and +quietness between ~61~~them, by an amicable adjustment. The irritated +minds of the now two enraged managers could not be brought to consent +to this. Gloss'em declared the piece should be repeated, having been +received with the most rapturous applause. Winpebble roundly swore that +the piece was ill got up, badly represented, and damn'd to all intents +and purposes--that the author had more strength than wit--and though +not a friend to injunctions himself, he moved for an injunction against +Gloss'em; who was at length something like the renowned John Astley with +his imitator Rees: + +“This great John Astley, and this little Tommy Rees, Were both bound +over to keep the King's Peas.” + +Gloss'em was bound to keep the peace, and compelled to find security +in the sum of twenty pounds. Thus ended the farce of _The Enraged +Managers--Drury Lane in a Blaze, or Bow Street bewildered._” + +“Ha! ha! ha! an animated sort of vehicle for public amusement truly,” + said Tom, “and of course produced with new scenery, music, dresses, and +decorations; forming a combination of attractions superior to any ever +exhibited at any theatre--egad! it would make a most excellent scene in +a new pantomime.” + +“Ha! ha! ha!” said Mr. W. “true, Sir, true; and the duel of Lord +Shampetre would have also its due portion of effect; but as his +Lordship is a good customer of mine, you must excuse any remarks on that +circumstance.” + +“We have already heard of his Lordship's undaunted courage and firmness, +as well as the correctness of his aim.” + +“He! he! he!” chuckled W.; “then I fancy your information is not very +correct, for it appears his lordship displayed a want of every one of +those qualities that you impute to him; however, I venture to hope no +unpleasant measures will result from the occurrence, as I made the very +pantaloons he wore upon the occasion. It seems he is considerably _cut +up_; but you must know that, previous to the duel, I was consulted +upon the best mode of securing his sacred person from the effects of a +bullet: I recommended a very high waistband lined with whale-bone, and +well padded with horse-hair, to serve as a breast-plate, and calculated +at once to produce warmth, and resist ~62~~penetration. The pantaloons +were accordingly made, thickly overlaid with extremely rich and +expensive gold lace, and considered to be stiff enough for any +thing--aye, even to keep his Lordship erect. But what do you suppose was +the effect of all my care? I should not like to make a common talk +of it, but so it certainly was: his Lordship had no objection to the +whalebone, buckram, &c. outside of him, but was fearful that if his +antagonist's fire should be well-directed, his tender body might be +additionally hurt by the splinters of the whalebone being carried along +with it, and actually proposed to take them off before the dreadful hour +of appointment came on. In this however he was fortunately overruled by +his Second, who, by the by, was but a goose in the affair, and managed +it altogether very badly, except in the instance of being prompt with +the smelling-bottle, which certainly was well-timed; and it would have +been a hissing hot business, but for the judicious interference of the +other Second.” + +A loud laugh succeeded this additional piece of information relative +to the _affair of honour_; and Snip having finished his measurement, +colours were fixed upon, and he departed, promising to be punctual in +the delivery of the new habiliments on the next day. + +“I am now convinced,” said Bob, “of the great importance and utility of +a London tradesman, and the speed of their execution is wonderful!” + +“Yes,” replied Tom, “it is only to be equalled by the avidity with which +they obtain information, and the rapidity with which they circulate +it--why, in another half hour your personal appearance, the cut of +your country coat, your complexion and character, as far as so short +an interview would allow for obtaining it, will be known to all his +customers--they are generally quick and acute discerners. But come, +we must be making ready for our walk, it is now half-past ten +o'clock--Sparkle will be here presently. It is time to be dressing, as I +mean to have a complete ramble during the day, take a chop somewhere +on the road, and in the evening, my boy, we'll take a peep into the +theatre. Lord Byron's tragedy of Marino Faliero is to be performed +to-night, and I can, I think, promise you a treat of the highest kind.” + +Tallyho, who had no idea of dressing again, having already been obliged +to dress twice, seemed a little surprised at the proposition, but +supposing it to be the ~~63~~custom of London, nodded assent, and +proceeded to the dressing-room. As he walked up stairs he could not help +casting his visual orbs over the banisters, just to take a bird's eye +view of the scene of his morning disasters, of which, to his great +astonishment and surprise, not a vestige remained--a new lamp had been +procured, which seemed to have arisen like a phoenix from its ashes, and +the stone passage and stairs appeared as he termed it, “as white as a +cauliflower.” At the sight of all this, he was gratified and delighted, +for he expected to find a heap of ruins to reproach him. He skipped, or +rather vaulted up the stairs, three or four at a stride, with all the +gaiety of a race-horse when first brought to the starting-post. The +rapid movements of a Life in London at once astonished and enraptured +him; nor did he delay his steps, or his delight, until he had reached +the topmost story, when bursting open the door, lie marched boldly into +the room. Here again he was at fault; a female shriek assailed his ear, +which stopped his course, and looking around him, he could not find from +whence the voice proceeded. “Good God!” continued the same voice, “what +can be the meaning of this intrusion?--Begone, rash man.” In the mean +time, Tom, who was in a room just under the one into which he had +unfortunately made so sudden an entrance, appeared at the door. + +“What the devil is the matter now?” said Tom; when spying his cousin +in the centre of the room, without seeming to know whether to return or +remain, he could not restrain his laughter. Tallyho looked up, like one +in a dream--then down--then casting his eyes around him, he perceived +in the corner, peeping out from the bed-curtains in which she had +endeavoured to hide her almost naked person, the head of the old +Housekeeper. The picture was moving, and at the same time laughable. +The confusion of Bob--the fright of the Housekeeper, and the laughter of +Tom, were subjects for the pencil of a Hogarth! + +“So,” said Tom, “you are for springing game in all parts of the house, +and at all times too. How came you here?”--“Not by my appointment, Sir,” + replied the old lady, who still remained rolled up in the curtain. “I +never did such a thing in all my born days: I'm an honest woman, and +mean to remain so. I never was so ashamed in all my life.” + +~64~~“I believe the house is enchanted,” cried Bob; “d---- me, I never +seem to step without being on a barrel of gunpowder, ready to ignite +with the touch of my foot. I have made some cursed blunder again, and +don't seem to know where I am.” + +“Come, come,” said Dashall, “that won't do--I'm sure you had some design +upon my Housekeeper, who you hear by her own account is a good woman, +and won't listen to your advances.” + +By this time the servants had arrived at the door, and were alternately +peeping in, wondering to see the two gentlemen in such a situation, and +secretly giggling and enjoying the embarrassment of the old woman, +whose wig lay on the table, and who was displaying her bald pate and +shrivelled features from the bed-curtains, enveloped in fringe and +tassels, which only served to render them still more ludicrous. + +Bob affected to laugh; said it was very odd--he could not account for +it at all--stammered out something like an apology--begg'd pardon--it +was--a mistake--he really took it for his own room--he never was +so bewildered in his life--was very sorry he should cause so much +alarm--but really had no sort of intention whatever. + +“Well,” said Dashall, “the best reparation you can now make for your +intrusion is a speedy retreat. Time is escaping, so come along;” and +taking him by the arm, they walked down the stairs together, and then +proceeded to re-fit without further obstruction, in order to be ready +for Sparkle, who was expected every minute. + +The first day of Bob's residence in London had already been productive +of some curious adventures, in which he, unfortunately as he considered, +had sustained the principal character--a character not altogether +suitable to is inclinations or wishes, though productive of much +merriment to his ever gay and sprightly Cousin, who had witnessed the +embarrassment of his pupil upon his first entrance into Life with +ungovernable laughter. It was to him excellent sport, while it furnished +a good subject of speculation and conversation among the servants below, +but was not so well relished by the affrighted old house-keeper. Indeed, +the abrupt entrance of a man into her bed-chamber had so deranged her +ideas, that she was longer than usual in decking her person previous to +her ~65~~re-appearance. The tender frame of the old lady had been +subjected to serious agitations at the bare idea of such a visit, and +the probable imputations that might in consequence be thrown upon her +sacred and unspotted character; nor could she for some time recover her +usual serenity. + +Such was the situation of the parties at the moment we are now +describing; but as our Heroes are preparing for an extensive, actual +survey of men, manners, and tilings, we shall for the present leave them +in peace and quietness, while we proceed to the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + What shows! and what sights! what a round of delights + You'll meet in the gay scene of London; + How charming to view” amusements still new, + Twenty others you'll find soon as one's done. + At the gay scene at Court--Peers and gentry resort, + In pleasure you'll never miss one day: + There's the Opera treat, the parade in Bond Street, + And the crowd in Hyde Park on a Sunday. + +~66~~TOM, whose wardrobe was extensive, found no difficulty, and lost no +time in preparing for the promenade; while, on the other hand, Tallyho +was perplexed to know how to tog himself out in a way suitable to +make his appearance in the gay world of fashion. Dashall had therefore +rapidly equipped himself, when, perceiving it was half-past eleven, +he was the more perplexed to account for the absence of Sparkle; for +although it was an early hour, yet, upon such an occasion as that of +initiating a new recruit, it was very extraordinary that he should not +have been prompt. However, he entered Tallyho's room, and found him +looking out of the window in a posture of rumination, probably revolving +in his mind the events of the morning. + +“Come,” said Tom, as he entered, “'tis time to be on the move, and if +Sparkle don't show in a few minutes, we'll set sail and call in upon him +at Long's, in Bond Street. Perhaps he is not well, or something prevents +his appearance--we'll make it in our way, and we have a fine day before +us.” + +“I am at your service,” replied Bob, who could not help viewing the +elegance of his Cousin's appearance: the style of his dress, and the +neatness with which his garments fitted him, were all subjects of +admiration, and formed so strong a contrast with his own as almost +to excite envy. He had however attired himself in a way that befits a +fashionable country gentleman: a green coat, white waistcoat, buckskin +breeches, and boots, over ~67~~which a pair of leggings appeared, which +extended below the calf of the leg and half up the thigh, surmounted +with a _Lily Shallow_. Such was the costume in which he was destined to +show off; and thus equipped, after a few minutes they emerged from the +house in Piccadilly on the proposed ramble, and proceeded towards Bond +Street. + +The first object that took their particular attention was the Burlington +Arcade. “Come,” said Tom, “we may as well go this way,” and immediately +they passed the man in the gold-laced hat, who guards the entrance to +prevent the admission of boys and improper persons. The display of the +shops, with the sun shining through the windows above, afforded much for +observation, and attracted Bob from side to side--to look, to wonder and +admire. But Tom, who was intent upon finding his friend Sparkle, urged +the necessity of moving onward with more celerity, lest he should be +gone out, and consequently kept drawing his Cousin forward. “Another and +a better opportunity will be afforded for explanation than the present, +and as speed is the order of the day, I hope you will not prove +disorderly; we shall soon reach Long's, and when we have Sparkle with +us, we have one of the most intelligent and entertaining fellows in +the world. He is a sort of index to every thing, and every body; his +knowledge of life and character, together with a facetiousness of +whim and manner, which he has in delineating them, are what we call +in London--_Prime and bang up to the mark_. There is scarcely a Lane, +Court, Alley, or Street, in the Metropolis, but what he knows, from the +remotest corners of Rag-Fair, to the open and elegant Squares of the +West, even to Hyde Park Corner. Memory, mirth, and magic, seem at all +times to animate his tongue, and, as the Song says, + + “He is the hoy for bewitching 'em, + Whether good-humour'd or coy.” + +Indeed, he is the admiration of all who know him; wit, whim, frolic, +and fun, are constant companions with him, and I really believe, in a +dungeon or a palace, he would always appear the same.” + +By this time they had reached Bond Street, in their way to which, +each step they had taken, the streets and avenues of every description +appeared to Bob to be crowded to an excess; the mingling cries which +were ~68~~vociferated around them produced in his mind uncommon +sensations. The rattling of the carriages, the brilliance of the shops, +and the continual hum of the passengers, contributed to heighten the +scene. + +“Bond Street,” said Dashall, “is not one of the most elegant streets +in the vicinity of London, but is the resort of the most fashionable +people, and from about two o'clock till five, it is all bustle--all +life--every species of fashionable vehicle is to be seen dashing +along in gay and gallant pride. From two to five are the fashionable +shopping-hours, for which purpose the first families resort to this +well-known street--others, to shew their equipage, make an assignation, +or kill a little time; which is as much a business with some, as is the +more careful endeavours of others to seize him in his flight, and make +the most of his presence. The throng is already increasing; the variety, +richness, and gaiety of the shops in this street, will always be +attractive, and make it a popular rendezvous of both sexes. It will +shortly be as crowded as Rag Fair, or the Royal Exchange; and the magic +splendour has very peculiar properties. + +“It makes the tradesman forget--while he is cheating a lovely and +smiling Duchess--that in all probability her ladyship is endeavouring to +cheat him. It makes the gay and airy, the furbelowed and painted lady of +the town, forget that she must pay a visit to her uncle,{1} in order +to raise the wind before she can make her appearance at the theatre +at half-price. It makes the dashing prisoner forget, that while “he +is sporting his figure in the bang-up style of appearance, he is only +taking his ride on a day-rule from the King's Bench. It makes the Lord +who drives four-in-hand forget his losses of the night before at some of +the fashionable gaming-houses. It makes one adventurer forget that the +clothes in which he expects to obtain respect and attention, are more +than likely to be paid for in Newgate; another for a time forgets that +_John Doe_ and _Richard Roe_ have expelled him from his + + 1 My Uncle is a very convenient and accommodating sort of + friend, who lives at the sign of the Three Balls, indicative + of his willingness to lend money upon good security, for the + payment of enormous interest. The original meaning of the + sign has puzzled the curious and antiquarians, and the only + probable meaning they can discover is, that it implies the + chances are two to one against any property being redeemed + after being once committed to the keeping of this tender + hearted and affectionate relative. + +69~~lodgings; and a third that all his worldly possessions are not equal +to the purchase of a dinner. It is an _ignis fatuus_--a sort of magic +lantern replete with delusive appearances--of momentary duration--an +escape to the regions of noise, tumult, vanity, and frivolity, where the +realities of Life, the circumstances and the situation of the observer, +are not suffered to intrude. + +“But to be seen in this street at a certain hour, is one of the +essentials to the existence of _haut-ton_--it is the point of attraction +for greetings in splendid equipages, from the haughty bend or familiar +nod of arrogance, to the humble bow of servility. Here mimicry without +money assumes the consequential air of independence: while modest merit +creeps along unheeded through the glittering crowd. Here all the senses +are tantalized with profusion, and the eye is dazzled with temptation, +for no other reason than because it is the constant business of a +fashionable life--not to live in, but out of self, to imitate the +luxuries of the affluent without a tithe of their income, and to +sacrifice morality at the altar of notoriety.” + +“Your description of this celebrated street, of which I have heard so +much,” said Tallyho, “is truly lively.” + +“But it is strictly true,” continued Tom. + +They had now arrived at Long's, and found a barouche and four waiting at +the door. Upon entering, the first person they met was Lord Cripplegate, +whom they passed, and proceeded to the coffee-room; in one of the +boxes of which Tom immediately directed his Cousin's attention to a +well-dressed young man, who was reading the newspaper, and sipping his +coffee--“Take notice of him,” said Tom. + +Bob looked at him for a moment, marked his features, and his dress, +which was in the extreme of fashion; while Tom, turning to one of the +Waiters, enquired for his friend Sparkle. + +“He has not been here since yesterday morning!” said the Waiter. + +“I have been waiting for him these two hours!” exclaimed the young Sprig +of Fashion, laying down the newspaper almost at the same moment, “and +must wait till he comes--Ah! Mr. Dashall, how d'ye do?---very glad to +see you--left all well in the country, I hope!--Mr. Sparkle was to have +met me this morning at eleven precisely, I should judge he is gone into +the country.” + +“It must have been late last night, then,” said Dashall, ~70~~“for he +left us about half-past ten, and promised also to meet us again this +morning at eleven; I can't think what can have become of him--but come,” + said he, taking Bob by the arm, “we must keep moving--Good morning--good +morning.” And thus saying, walked directly out of the house, turning to +the right again towards Piccadilly. + +“There is a remark made, I think by Goldsmith,” said Tom, “that one half +of the world don't know how the other half lives; and the man I spoke to +in the coffee-room, whose name I am unacquainted with, though his person +is recognized by almost every body, while his true character, residence, +and means of subsistence, remain completely in obscurity, from what I +have seen of him, I judge is what may be termed a _hanger on_.” + +“A hanger on,” said Bob--“what can that mean? I took him for a man of +property and high birth--but I saw you take so little notice of him.” + +“Ah! my good fellow, I have already cautioned you not to be duped by +appearances. A _hanger on_ is a sort of sycophant, or toad-eater, +and, in the coffee-houses and hotels of London, many such are to be +found--men who can _spin out a long yarn_, tell a tough story, and +tip you _a rum chant_--who invite themselves by a freedom of address +bordering on impudence to the tables and the parties of persons they +know, by pretending to call in by mere accident, just at the appointed +time: by assuming great confidence, great haste, little appetite, and +much business; but, at the same time, requiring but little pressure to +forego them all for the pleasure of the company present. What he +can have to do with Sparkle I am at a loss to conceive; but he is an +insinuating and an intriguing sort of fellow, whom I by no means like, +so I cut him.” + +Bob did not exactly understand the meaning of the word cut, and +therefore begged his Cousin to explain. + +“The cut,” said Tom, “is a fashionable word for getting rid, by rude +or any means, of any person whose company is not agreeable. The art of +_cutting_ is reduced to a system in London; and an explanatory treatise +has been written on the subject for the edification of the natives.{1} +But I am so bewildered to think what can have detained Sparkle, and +deprived us of his company, that I scarcely know how to think for a +moment on any other subject at present.” + + 1 Vide a small volume entitled “The Cutter.” + +~71~~“It is somewhat strange!” cried Bob, “that he was not with you this +morning.” + +“There is some mystery in it,” said Tom, “which time alone can unravel; +but however, we will not be deprived of our intended ramble.” At this +moment they entered Piccadilly, and were crossing the road in their way +to St. James's Street, when Dashall nodded to a gentleman passing by on +the opposite side, and received a sort of half bow in return. “That,” + said Tom, “is a curious fellow, and a devilish clever fellow too--for +although he has but one arm, he is a man of science.” + +“In what way?” enquired Bob. + +“He is a pugilist,” said Tom--“one of those courageous gentlemen who can +queer the daylights, tap the claret, prevent telling fibs, and pop the +noddle into chancery; and a devilish good hand he is, I can assure you, +among those who + + ----“can combat with ferocious strife, + And beat an eye out, or thump out a life; + Can bang the ribs in, or bruise out the brains, + And die, like noble blockheads, for their pains.” + +[Illustration: page71 Fives Court] + +“Having but one arm, of course he is unable to figure in the +ring--though he attends the mills, and is a constant visitor at the +Fives Court exhibitions, and generally appears _a la Belcher_. He prides +himself upon flooring a novice, and hits devilish hard with the glove. I +have had some lessons from this amateur of the old English science, and +felt the force of his fist; but it is a very customary thing to commence +in a friendly way, till the knowing one finds an opportunity which he +cannot resist, of shewing the superiority he possesses. So it was with +Harry and me, when he put on his glove. I use the singular number, +because he has but one hand whereon to place a glove withal. Come, said +he, it shall only be a little innocent spar. I also put on a glove, +for it would not be fair to attack a one-armed man with two, and no one +ought to take the odds in combat. To it we went, and I shewed _first +blood_, for he tapped _the claret_ in no time. + +“Neat _milling we had_, what with _clouts on the nob_, Home hits in +the _bread-basket_, clicks in the gob, And plumps in the daylights, a +prettier treat Between two _Johnny Raws_ 'tis not easy to meet.” + +~72~~“I profited however by Harry's lessons, and after a short time was +enabled to return the compliment with interest, by sewing up one of his +_glimmers_. + +“This is St. James's Street,” continued he, as they turned the corner +rather short; in doing which, somewhat animated by the description he +had just been giving, Tom's foot caught the toe of a gentleman, who +was mincing along the pathway with all the care and precision of a +dancing-master, which had the effect of bringing him to the ground in an +instant as effectually as a blow from one of the fancy. Tom, who had +no intention of giving offence wantonly, apologized for the misfortune, +by--“I beg pardon, Sir,” while Bob, who perceived the poor creature was +unable to rise again, and apprehending some broken bones, assisted him +to regain his erect position. The poor animal, or nondescript, yclept +Dandy, however had only been prevented the exercise of its limbs by the +stiffness of certain appendages, without which its person could not be +complete--the _stays_, lined with whalebone, were the obstacles to its +rising. Being however placed in its natural position, he began in an +affected blustering tone of voice to complain that it was d----d odd +a gentleman could not walk along the streets without being incommoded +by puppies--pulled out his quizzing glass, and surveyed our heroes from +head to foot--then taking from his pocket a smelling bottle, which, by +application to the nose, appeared to revive him, Tom declared he was +sorry for the accident, had no intention, and hoped he was not hurt. +This, however, did not appear to satisfy the offended Dandy, who turned +upon his heel muttering to himself the necessity there was of preventing +drunken fellows from rambling the streets to the annoyance of sober and +genteel people in the day-time. + +Dashall, who overheard the substance of his ejaculation, broke from the +arm of Bob, and stepping after him without ceremony, by a sudden wheel +placed himself in the front of him, so as to impede his progress a +second time; a circumstance which filled Mr. Fribble with additional +alarm, and his agitation became visibly' depicted on his countenance. + +“What do you mean?” cried Dashall, with indignation, taking the +imputation of drunkenness at that early hour in dudgeon. “Who, and +what are you, ~73~~Sir?{1} Explain instantly, or by the honour of a +gentleman, I'll chastise this insolence.” + + 1 “What are you?” is a formidable question to a dandy of the + present day, for + + “Dandy's a gender of the doubtful kind; + A something, nothing, not to be defined; + 'Twould puzzle worlds its sex to ascertain, + So very empty, and so very vain.” + + It is a fact that the following examination of three of + these non-descripts took place at Bow Street a very short + time back, in consequence of a nocturnal fracas. The report + was thus given: + + “Three young sprigs of fashion, in full dress, somewhat + damaged and discoloured by a night's lodging in the cell of + a watch-house, were yesterday brought before Mr. Birnie, + charged with disorderly conduct in the streets, and with + beating a watchman named Lloyd. + + “Lloyd stated that his beat was near the Piazza, and at a + very late hour on Thursday night, the three defendants came + through Covent Garden, singing, and conducting themselves in + the most riotous manner possible. They were running, and + were followed by three others, all in a most uproarious + state of intoxication, and he thought proper to stop them; + upon which he was _floored san-ceremonie_, and when he + recovered his legs, he was again struck, and called '_a b----y + Charley_,' and other ungenteel names. He called for + the assistance of some of his brethren, and the defendants + were with some trouble taken to the watch-house. They were + very jolly on the way, and when lodged in durance, amused + themselves with abusing the Constable of the night, and took + especial care that no one within hearing of the watch-house + should get a wink of sleep for the remainder of the night. + + Mr. Birnie.--“Well young gentleman, what have you to say to + this?” The one who undertook to be spokesman, threw himself + in the most familiar manner possible across the table, and + having fixed himself perfectly at his ease, he said, “The + fact was, they had been dining at a tavern, and were rather + drunk, and on their way through the Piazza, they endeavoured + by running away to give the slip to their three companions, + who were still worse than themselves. The others, however + called out Stop thief! and the watchman stopped them; + whereat they naturally felt irritated, and certainly gave + the watchman a bit of a thrashing.” + + Mr. Birnie.--“How was he to know you were not the thieves? + He did quite right to stop you, and I am very glad he has + brought you here--Pray, Sir, what are you?” Defendant.--“I + am nothing, Sir.” Mr. Birnie (to another).--“And what are + you?” Defendant.--“Why, Sir, I am--I am, Sir, nothing.” Mr. + Birnie.--“Well, this is very fine. Pray, Sir, (turning to + the third, who stood twirling his hat) will you do me the + favour to tell what you are?” + + This gentleman answered in the same way. “I am, as my + friends observed, nothing.” + + Mr. Birnie.--“Well, gentlemen, I must endeavour to make + something of you. Here, gaoler, let them he locked up, and I + shall not part with them until I have some better account of + their occupations.” + + We have heard it asserted, that Nine tailors make a man. How + many Dandies, professing to be Nothing, may be required to + accomplish the proposed intention of making Something, may + (perhaps by this time) be discovered by the worthy + Magistrate. We however suspect he has had severe work of it. + +~74~~“Leave me alone,” exclaimed the almost petrified Dandy. + +“Not till you have given me the satisfaction I have a right to demand,” + cried Tom. “I insist upon an explanation and apology--or demand your +card--who are you, Sir? That's my address,” instantly handing him a +card. “I am not to be played with, nor will I suffer your escape, after +the insulting manner in which you have spoken, with impunity.” + +Though not prepared for such a rencontre, the Dandy, who now perceived +the inflexible temper of Tom's mind--and a crowd of people gathering +round him--determined at least to put on as much of the character of a +man as possible, and fumbled in his pocket for a card; at length finding +one, he slipped it into Tom's hand. “Oh, Sir,” said he, “if that's the +case, I'm your man, _demmee_,--how, when, or where you please, 'pon +honor.” Then beckoning to a hackney coach, he hobbled to the door, +and was pushed in by coachee, who, immediately mounted the box and +flourishing his whip, soon rescued him from his perilous situation, and +the jeers of the surrounding multitude. + +Tom, who in the bustle of the crowd had slipped the card of his +antagonist into his pocket, now took Bob's arm, and they pursued their +way down St. James's Street, and could not help laughing at the affair: +but Tallyho, who had a great aversion to duelling, and was thinking of +the consequences, bit his lips, and expressed his sorrow at what +had occurred; he ascribed the hasty imputation of drunkenness to the +irritating effects of the poor creature's accident, and expressed his +hope that his cousin would take no further notice of it. Tom, however, +on the other ~75~~hand, ridiculed Bob's fears--told him it was a point +of honour not to suffer an insult in the street from any man--nor would +he--besides, the charge of drunkenness from such a thing as that, is not +to be borne. “D----n it, man, drunkenness in the early part of the day +is a thing I abhor, it is at all times what I would avoid if possible, +but at night there may be many apologies for it; nay in some cases even +to avoid it is impossible. The pleasures of society are enhanced +by it--the joys of love are increased by the circulation of the +glass--harmony, conviviality and friendship are produced by it--though I +am no advocate for inebriety, and detest the idea of the beast-- + + “Who clouds his reason by the light of day, + And falls to drink, an early and an easy prey.” + +“Well,” said Bob, “I cannot help thinking this poor fellow, who has +already betrayed his fears, will be inclined to make any apology for his +rudeness to-morrow.” + +“If he does not,” said Tom, “I'll wing him, to a certainty--a +jackanapes--a puppy--a man-milliner; perhaps a thing of shreds and +patches--he shall not go unpunished, I promise you; so come along, we +will just step in here, and I'll dispatch this business at once: I'll +write a challenge, and then it will be off my hands.” And so saying, +they entered a Coffee-house, where, calling for pen, ink and paper, Tom +immediately began his epistle, shrewdly hinting to his Cousin, that he +expected he would act as his Second. “It will be a fine opportunity for +introducing your name to the gay world--the newspapers will record your +name as a man of ton. Let us see now how it will appear:--On ---- last, +the Honourable Tom Dashall, attended by his Cousin, Robert Tallyho, Esq. +of Belleville Hall, met--ah, by the bye, let us see who he is,” here he +felt in his pocket for the card. + +Bob, however, declared his wish to decline obtaining popularity by being +present upon such an occasion, and suggested the idea of his calling +upon the offender, and endeavouring to effect an amicable arrangement +between them. + +“Hallo!” exclaimed Tom with surprise, as he drew the card from his +pocket, and threw it on the table--“Ha, ha, ha,--look at that.” + +Tallyho looked at the card without understanding it. “What does it +mean?” said he. + +~76~~“Mean,” replied Tom, “why it is a Pawnbroker's duplicate for a +Hunting Watch, deposited with his uncle this morning in St. Martin's +Lane, for two pounds--laughable enough--well, you may dismiss your fears +for the present; but I'll try if I can't find my man by this means--if +he is worth finding--at all events we have found a watch.” + +Bob now joined in the laugh, and, having satisfied the Waiter, they +sallied forth again. + +Just as they left the Coffee-house, “Do you see that Gentleman in the +blue great coat, arm in arm with another? that is no other than the +----. You would scarcely conceive, by his present appearance, that +he has commanded armies, and led them on to victory; and that having +retired under the shade of his laurels, he is withering them away, +leaf by leaf, by attendance at the _hells_{1} of the metropolis; his +unconquerable spirit still actuating him in his hours of relaxation. It +is said that the immense sum awarded to him for his prowess in war, +has been so materially reduced by his inordinate passion for play, that +although he appears at Court, and is a favourite, the demon Poverty +stares him in the face. But this is a vile world, and half one hears is +not to be believed. He is certainly extravagant, fond of women, and fond +of wine; but all these foibles are overshadowed with so much glory as +scarcely to remain perceptible. Here is the Palace,” said Tom, directing +his Cousin's attention to the bottom of the street. + +Bob was evidently struck at this piece of information, as he could +discover no mark of grandeur in its appearance to entitle it to the +dignity of a royal residence. + +“It is true,” said Tom, “the outside appearance is not much in its +favour; but it is venerable for its antiquity, and for its being till +lately the place at which the Kings of this happy Island have held their +Courts. On the site of that palace originally stood an hospital, +founded before the conquest, for fourteen leprous females, to whom eight +brethren were afterwards added, to assist in the performance of divine +service.” + +“Very necessary,” said Bob, “and yet scarcely sufficient.” + + 1 Hells--The abode or resort of black-legs or gamblers, + where they assemble to commit their depredations on the + unwary. But of these we shall have occasion to enlarge + elsewhere. + +~77~~“You seem to quiz this Palace, and are inclined to indulge your wit +upon old age. In 1532, it was surrendered to Henry viii. and he erected +the present Palace, and enclosed St. James's Park, to serve as a place +of amusement and exercise, both to this Palace and Whitehall. But it +does not appear to have been the Court of the English Sovereigns, during +their residence in town, till the reign of Queen Ann, from which time it +has been uniformly used as such. + +“It is built of brick; and that part which contains the state +apartments, being only one story high, gives it a regular appearance +outside. The State-rooms are commodious and handsome, although there is +nothing very superb or grand in the decorations or furniture. + +“The entrance to these rooms is by a stair-case which opens into the +principal court, which you now see. At the top of the stair-case are +two rooms; one on the left, called the Queen's, and the other the King's +Guard-room, leading to the State-apartments. Immediately beyond the +King's Guard-room is the Presence-chamber, which contains a canopy, +and is hung with tapestry; and which is now used as a passage to the +principal rooms. + +“There is a suite of five rooms opening into each other successively, +fronting the Park. The Presence-chamber opens into the centre room, +which is denominated the Privy-chamber, in which is a canopy of +flowered-crimson velvet, generally made use of for the King to receive +the Quakers. + +“On the right are two drawing-rooms, one within the other. At the upper +end of the further one, is a throne with a splendid canopy, on which the +Kings have been accustomed to receive certain addresses. This is called +the Grand Drawing-room, and is used by the King and Queen on certain +state occasions, the nearer room being appropriated as a kind of +ante-chamber, in which the nobility, &c. are permitted to remain while +their Majesties are present in the further room, and is furnished with +stools, sofas, &c. for the purpose. There are two levee-rooms on the +left of the privy-chamber, on entering from the King's guard-room and +presence-chamber, the nearer one serving as an ante-chamber to the +other. They were all of them, formerly, meanly furnished, but at the +time of the marriage of our present King, they were elegantly fitted +up. The walls are now covered with tapestry, very beautiful, and of rich +colours--tapestry which, although it ~73~~was made for Charles II. had +never been used, having by some accident lain unnoticed in a chest, till +it was discovered a short time before the marriage of the Prince. + +“The canopy of the throne was made for the late-Queen's birth-day, the +first which happened after the union of Great Britain and Ireland. It +is made of crimson velvet, with very broad gold lace, embroidered with +crowns set with fine and rich pearls. The shamrock, emblematical of the +Irish nation, forms a part of the decorations of the British crown, and +is executed with great taste and accuracy. + +“The grand drawing-room contains a large, magnificent chandelier of +silver, gilt, but I believe it has not been lighted for some years; and +in the grand levee-room is a very noble bed, the furniture of which is +of Spitalfields manufacture, in crimson velvet. It was first put up with +the tapestry, on the marriage of the present King, then Prince of Wales. + +“It is upon the whole an irregular building, chiefly consisting of +several courts and alleys, which lead into the Park. This, however, is +the age of improvement, and it is said that the Palace will shortly +be pulled down, and in the front of St. James's Street a magnificent +triumphal arch is to be erected, to commemorate the glorious victories +of the late war, and to form a grand entrance to the Park. + +“The Duke of York, the Duke of Clarence, the King's servants, and many +other dignified persons, live in the Stable-yard.” + +“In the Stable-yard!” said Bob, “dignified persons reside in a +Stable-yard, you astonish me!” + +“It is quite true,” said Tom, “and remember it is the Stable-yard of a +King.” + +“I forgot that circumstance,” said Bob, “and that circumstances alter +cases. But whose carriage is this driving with so much rapidity?” + +“That is His Highness the Duke of York, most likely going to pay a visit +to his royal brother, the King, who resides in a Palace a little further +on: which will be in our way, for it is yet too early to see much in +the Park: so let us proceed, I am anxious to make some inquiry about +my antagonist, and therefore mean to take St. Martin's Lane as we go +along.” + +With this they pursued their way along Pall Mall. The rapidity of Tom's +movements however afforded little opportunity for observation or remark, +till they ~79~~arrived opposite Carlton House, when he called his +Cousin's attention to the elegance of the new streets opposite to it. + +“That,” said he, “is Waterloo Place, which, as well as the memorable +battle after which it is named, has already cost the nation an immense +sum of money, and must cost much more before the proposed improvements +are completed: it is however, the most elegant street in London. The +want of uniformity of the buildings has a striking effect, and gives it +the appearance of a number of palaces. In the time of Queen Elizabeth +there were no such places as Pall Mall, St. James's-street, Piccadilly, +nor any of the streets or fine squares in this part of the town. That +building at the farther end is now the British Fire-office, and has a +pleasing effect at this distance. The cupola on the left belongs to a +chapel, the interior of which for elegant simplicity is unrivalled. To +the left of the centre building is a Circus, and a serpentine street, +not yet finished, which runs to Swallow Street, and thence directly +to Oxford Road, where another circus is forming, and is intended to +communicate with Portland Place; by which means a line of street, +composed of all new buildings, will be completed. Of this dull looking +place (turning to Carlton House) although it is the town-residence +of our King, I shall say nothing at present, as I intend devoting a +morning, along with you, to its inspection. The exterior has not the +most lively appearance, but the interior is magnificent.”--During this +conversation they had kept moving gently on. + +[Illustration: page79 The Kings Levee] + +Bob was charmed with the view down Waterloo Place. + +“That,” said his Cousin, pointing to the Arcade at the opposite corner +of Pall Mall, “is the Italian Opera-house, which has recently assumed +its present superb appearance, and may be ranked among the finest +buildings in London. It is devoted to the performance of Italian operas +and French ballets, is generally open from December to July, and +is attended by the most distinguished and fashionable persons. The +improvements in this part are great. That church, which you see in the +distance over the tops of the houses, is St. Martin's in the fields.” + +“In the fields,” inquired Bob; “what then, are we come to the end of the +town?” + +~80~~“Ha! ha! ha!” cried Tom--“the end--no, no,--I was going to say +there is no end to it--no, we have not reached any thing like the +centre.” + +“_Blood an owns, boderation and blarney_,” (said an Irishman, at that +moment passing them with a hod of mortar on his shoulder, towards the +new buildings, and leaving an ornamental patch as he went along on Bob's +shoulder) “but I'll be a'ter _tipping turnups_{l} to any b----dy +rogue that's tip to saying--_Black's the white of the blue part of Pat +Murphy's eye_; and for that there matter,” dropping the hod of mortar +almost on their toes at the same time, and turning round to Bob--“By the +powers! I ax the Jontleman's pardon--tho' he's not the first Jontleman +that has carried mortar--where is that _big, bully-faced blackguard_ +that I'm looking after?” During this he brushed the mortar off Tallyho's +coat with a snap of his fingers, regardless of where or on whom he +distributed it. + +The offender, it seemed, had taken flight while Pat was apologizing, and +was no where to be found. + +“Why what's the matter?” inquired Tom; “you seem in a passion.” + +“Och! not in the least bit, your honour! I'm only in a d----d rage. By +the mug of my mother--arn't it a great shame that a Jontleman of +Ireland can't walk the streets of London without having _poratees and +butter-milk_ throw'd in his gums?”--Hitching up the waistband of his +breeches--“It won't do at all at all for Pat: its a reflection on my own +native land, where-- + + “Is hospitality, + All reality, + No formality + There you ever see; + The free and easy + Would so amaze ye, + You'd think us all crazy, + For dull we never be.” + +These lines sung with an Irish accent, to the tune of “Morgan Rattler,” + accompanied with a snapping of his fingers, and concluded with a +something in imitation of + + 1 _Tipping Turnups_--This is a phrase made use of among the + _prigging_ fraternity, to signify a turn-up--which is to + knock down. + +~81~~an Irish jilt, were altogether so truly characteristic of the +nation to which he belonged, as to afford our Heroes considerable +amusement. Tom threw him a half-crown, which he picked up with more +haste than he had thrown down the mortar in his rage. + +“Long life and good luck to the Jontleman!” said Pat. “Sure enough, +I won't be after drinking health and success to your Honour's pretty +picture, and the devil pitch into his own cabin the fellow that would +be after picking a hole or clapping a dirty patch on the coat of St. +Patrick--whiskey for ever, your Honour, huzza-- + + “A drop of good whiskey + Would make a man frisky.” + +By this time a crowd was gathering round them, and Tom cautioned Bob in +a whisper to beware of his pockets. This piece of advice however came +too late, for his _blue bird's eye wipe_{l} had taken flight. + +“What,” said Bob, “is this done in open day?” “Are you all right and +tight elsewhere?” said Tom--“if you are, toddle on and say nothing about +it.--Open day!” continued he, “aye, the system of _frigging_{2} + + 1 _Blue bird's eye wipe_--A blue pocket handkerchief with + white spots. + + 2 A cant term for all sorts of thieving. The Life of the + celebrated George Barrington, of Old Bailey notoriety, is + admirably illustrative of this art; which by a more recent + development of Hardy Vaux, appears to be almost reduced to + a system, notwithstanding the wholesomeness of our laws and + the vigilance of our police in their administration. However + incredible it may appear, such is the force of habit and + association, the latter, notwithstanding he was detected and + transported, contrived to continue his depredations during + his captivity, returned, at the expiration of his term, to + his native land and his old pursuits, was transported a + second time, suffered floggings and imprison-ments, without + correcting what cannot but be termed the vicious + propensities of his nature. He generally spent his mornings + in visiting the shops of jewellers, watch-makers, + pawnbrokers, &c. depending upon his address and appearance, + and determining to make the whole circuit of the metropolis + and not to omit a single shop in either of those branches. + This scheme he actually executed so fully, that he believes + he did not leave ten untried in London; for he made a point + of commencing early every day, and went regularly through + it, taking both sides of the way. His practice on entering a + shop was to request to look at gold seals, chains, + brooches, rings, or any other small articles of value, + and while examining them, and looking the shopkeeper in the + face, he contrived by sleight of hand to conceal two or + three, sometimes more, as opportunities offered, in the + sleeve of his coat, which was purposely made wide. In this + practice he succeeded to a very great extent, and in the + course of his career was never once detected in the fact, + though on two or three occa-sions so much suspicion arose + that he was obliged to exert all his effrontery, and to use + very high language, in order, as the cant phrase is, to + bounce the tradesman out of it; his fashionable appearance, + and affected anger at his insinuations, always had the + effect of inducing an apology; and in many such cases he has + actually carried away the spoil, notwithstanding what passed + between them, and even gone so far as to visit the same shop + again a second and a third time with as good success as at + first. This, with his nightly attendance at the Theatres and + places of public resort, where he picked pockets of watches, + snuff-boxes, &c. was for a length of time the sole business + of his life. He was however secured, after secreting himself + for a time, convicted, and is now transported for life--as + he conceives, sold by another cele-brated Prig, whose real + name was Bill White, but better known by the title of Conky + Beau. + +~82~~will be acted on sometimes by the very party you are speaking +to--the expertness with which it is done is almost beyond belief.” + +Bob having ascertained that his handkerchief was the extent of his loss, +they pursued their way towards Charing Cross. + +“A line of street is intended,” continued Tom, “to be made from the +Opera House to terminate with that church; and here is the King's Mews, +which is now turned into barracks.” + +“Stop thief! Stop thief!” was at this moment vociferated in their ears +by a variety of voices, and turning round, they perceived a well-dressed +man at full speed, followed pretty closely by a concourse of people. In +a moment the whole neighbourhood appeared to be in alarm. The up-stairs +windows were crowded with females--the tradesmen were at their +shop-doors--the passengers were huddled together in groups, inquiring of +each other--“What is the matter?--who is it?--which is him?--what has he +done?” while the pursuers were increasing in numbers as they went. The +bustle of the scene was new to Bob--Charing Cross and its vicinity was +all in motion. + +“Come,” said Tom, “let us see the end of this--they are sure to _nab_{l} +my gentleman before he gets much + + 1 _Nabbed or nibbled_--Secured or taken. + +~83~~farther, so let us _brush_{1} on.” Then pulling his Cousin by the +arm, they moved forward to the scene of action. + +As they approached St. Martin's Lane, the gathering of the crowd, which +was now immense, indicated to Tom a capture. + +“Button up,” said he, “and let us see what's the matter.” + +“_Arrah be easy_” cried a voice which they instantly recognized to be no +other than Pat Murphy's. “I'll hold you, my dear, till the night after +Doomsday, though I can't tell what day of the year that is. Where's the +man wid the _gould-laced skull-cap_? Sure enough I tought I'd be up wi' +you, and so now you see I'm down upon you.” + +At this moment a Street-keeper made way through the crowd, and Tom +and Bob keeping close in his rear, came directly up to the principal +performers in this interesting scene, and found honest Pat Murphy +holding the man by his collar, while he was twisting and writhing to get +released from the strong and determined grasp of the athletic Hibernian. + +Pat no sooner saw our Heroes, than he burst out with a lusty “Arroo! +arroo! there's the sweet-looking jontleman that's been robbed by a dirty +_spalpeen_ that's not worth the tail of a rotten red-herring. I'll give +charge of dis here pick'd bladebone of a dead donkey that walks about in +God's own daylight, dirting his fingers wid what don't belong to him at +all at all. So sure as the devil's in his own house, and that's London, +you've had your pocket pick'd, my darling, and that's news well worth +hearing”--addressing himself to Dashall. + +By this harangue it was pretty clearly understood that Murphy had been +in pursuit of the pickpocket, and Tom immediately gave charge. + +The man, however, continued to declare he was not the right +person--“That, so help him G----d, the Irishman had got the wrong +bull by the tail--that he was a b----dy _snitch_{2} and that he would +_sarve him out_{3}--that he wished + + 1 _Brush_--Be off. + + 2 _Snitch_--A term made use of by the light-fingered tribe, + to signify an informer, by whom they have been impeached or + betrayed--So a person who turns king's evidence against his + accomplices is called a Snitch. + + 3 _Serve him out_--To punish, or be revenged upon any person + for any real or supposed injury. + +~84~~he might meet him out of St. Giles's, and he would _wake_{ 1} him +with an _Irish howl_.” + + + 1 Wake with an Irish howl--An Irish Wake, which is no + unfrequent occurrence in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's + and Saffron Hill, is one of the most comically serious + ceremonies which can well be conceived, and certainly + baffles all powers of description. It is, however, + considered indispensable to wake the body of a de-ceased + native of the sister kingdom, which is, by a sort of mock + lying in state, to which all the friends, relatives, and + fellow countrymen and women, of the dead person, are + indiscriminately admitted; and among the low Irish this duty + is frequently performed in a cellar, upon which occasions + the motley group of assembled Hibernians would form a + subject for the pencil of the most able satirist. + + Upon one of these occasions, when Murtoch Mulrooney, who had + suffered the sentence of the law by the common hangman, for + a footpad robbery, an Englishman was induced by a friend of + the deceased to accompany him, and has left on record the + following account of his entertainment:-- + + “When we had descended (says he) about a dozen steps, we + found ourselves in a subterraneous region, but fortunately + not uninhabited. On the right sat three old bawds, drinking + whiskey and smoking tobacco out of pipes about two inches + long, (by which means, I conceive, their noses had become + red,) and swearing and blasting between each puff. I was + immediately saluted by one of the most sober of the ladies, + and invited to take a glass of the enlivening nectar, and + led to the bed exactly opposite the door, where Murtoch was + laid out, and begged to pray for the repose of his precious + shoul. This, however, I declined, alleging that as the + parsons were paid for praying, it was their proper business. + At this moment a coarse female voice exclaimed, in a sort of + yell or Irish howl, 'Arrah! by Jasus, and why did you die, + honey?--Sure enough it was not for the want of milk, meal, + or tatoes.' + + “In a remote corner of the room, or rather cellar, sat three + draymen, five of his majesty's body guards, four sailors, + six haymakers, eight chairmen, and six evidence makers, + together with three bailiffs' followers, who came by turns + to view the body, and take a drop of the _cratur_ to drink + repose to the shoul of their countryman; and to complete the + group, they were at-tended by the journeyman Jack Ketch. The + noise and confusion were almost stupefying--there were + praying--swearing--crying-howling--smoking--and drinking. + + “At the head of the bed where the remains of Murtoch were + laid, was the picture of the Virgin Mary on one side, and + that of St. Patrick on the other; and at the feet was + depicted the devil and some of his angels, with the blood + running down their backs, from the flagellations which they + had received from the disciples of Ketigern. Whether the + blue devils were flying around or not, I could not exactly + discover, but the whiskey and _blue ruin_ were evidently + powerful in their effects. + + “One was swearing--a second counting his beads--a + third descanting on the good qualities of his departed + friend, and about to try those of the whiskey--a fourth + evacuating that load with which he had already overloaded + himself--a fifth, declaring he could carry a fare, hear + mass, knock down a member of parliament, murder a peace + officer, and after all receive a pension: and while the + priest was making an assignation with a sprightly female + sprig of Shelalah, another was jonteelly picking his pocket. + I had seen enough, and having no desire to continue in such + company, made my escape with as much speed as I could from + this animated group of persons, assembled as they were upon + so solemn an occasion.” + +~85~~With conversation of this kind, the party were amused up St. +Martin's lane, and on the remainder of the road to Bow-street, followed +by many persons, some of whom pretended to have seen a part of the +proceedings, and promised to give their evidence before the magistrate, +who was then sitting. + +On arriving in Bow Street, they entered the Brown Bear,{1} a +public-house, much frequented by the officers, and in which is a +strong-room for the safe custody of prisoners, where they were shewn +into a dark back-parlour, as they termed it, and the officer proceeded +to search the man in custody, when lo and behold! the handkerchief was +not to be found about him. + +Pat d----d the devil and all his works--swore “by the fiery furnace of +Beelzebub, and that's the devil's own bed-chamber, that was the man +that nibbled the Jontleman's _dive_,{2} and must have _ding'd away the +wipe_,{3} or else what should he _bolt_{4} for?--that he was up to the +_rum slum_,{5} + + 1 A former landlord of the house facetiously christened it + the Russian Hotel, and had the words painted under the sign + of Bruin. + + 2 _Nibbled the Jontleman's dive_--Picked the gentleman's + pocket. + + 3 _Ding'd away the wipe_--Passed away the handkerchief to + another, to escape detection. This is a very common practice + in London: two or three in a party will be near, without + appearing to have the least knowledge of, or connexion with + each other, and the moment a depredation is committed by + one, he transfers the property to one of his pals, by whom + it is conveyed perhaps to the third, who decamps with it to + some receiver, who will immediately advance money upon it; + while, if any suspicion should fall upon the first, the + second will perhaps busy himself in his endeavours to secure + the offender, well knowing no proof of possession can be + brought against him. + + 4 _Bolt_--Run away; try to make an escape. + + 5 _Rum slum_--Gammon--queer talk or action, in which some + fraudulent intentions are discoverable or suspected. + +~86~~and down upon the _kiddies_{1}--and sure enough you're _boned,_{2} +my dear boy.” + +Some of the officers came in, and appeared to know the prisoner well, +as if they had been acquainted with each other upon former official +business; but as the lost property was not found upon him, it was the +general opinion that nothing could be done, and the accused began to +exercise his wit upon Murphy, which roused Pat's blood: + +“For the least thing, you know, makes an Irishman roar.” + +At length, upon charging him with having been caught _blue-pigeon +flying,_{3} Pat gave him the lie in his teeth--swore he'd fight him for +all the _blunt_{4} he had about him, “which to be sure,” said he, “is +but a sweet pretty half-a-crown, and be d----d to you--good luck +to it! Here goes,” throwing the half-crown upon the floor, which the +prisoner attempted to pick up, but was prevented by Pat's stamping his +foot upon it, while he was _doffing his jacket_,{5} exclaiming-- + +“Arrah, be after putting your dirty fingers in your pocket, and don't +spoil the King's picture by touching it--devil burn me, but I'll _mill +your mug to muffin dust_{6} before I'll give up that beautiful looking +bit; so tip us your mauley,{7} and no more blarney.” + + 1 Down upon the Kiddies--To understand the arts and + manouvres of thieves and sharpers. + + 2 Boned--Taken or secured. + + s Blue pigeon flying--The practice of stealing lead from + houses, churches, or other buildings. A species of + depredation very prevalent in London and its vicinity, and + which is but too much encouraged by the readiness with which + it can be disposed of to the plumbers in general. + + 4 Blunt--A flash term for money. + + 5 Doffing his Jacket--Taking off his jacket. + + 6 Mill your mug to muffin dust--The peculiarity of the Irish + character for overstrained metaphor, may perhaps, in some + degree, account for the Hibernian's idea of beating his head + to flour, though he was afterwards inclined to commence his + operations in the true style and character of the prize + ring, where + + “Men shake hands before they box, Then give each other + plaguy knocks, With all the love and kindness of a brother.” + + 7 Tip us your mauley--Give me your hand. Honour is so sacred + a thing with the Irish, that the rapid transition from a + violent expression to the point of honour, is no uncommon + thing amongst them; and in this instance it is quite clear + that although he meant to mill the mug of his opponent to + muffin dust, he had a notion of the thing, and intended to + do it in an honourable way. + +~87~~During this conversation, the spectators, who were numerous, were +employed in endeavouring to pacify the indignant Hibernian, who by this +time had buffid it, or, in other words, _peeled in prime twig_,{1} for +a regular _turn to._{2} All was noise and confusion, when a new group +of persons entered the room--another capture had been made, and another +charge given. It was however with some difficulty that honest Pat Murphy +was prevailed upon to remain a little quiet, while one of the officers +beckoned Dashall out of the room, and gave him to understand that the +man in custody, just brought in, was a well-known _pal_{3} of the one +first suspected, though they took not the least notice of each other +upon meeting. In the mean time, another officer in the room had been +searching the person of the last captured, from whose bosom he drew the +identical handkerchief of Bob; and the Irishman recollected seeing him +in the crowd opposite the Opera House. + +This cleared up the mystery in some degree, though the two culprits +affected a total ignorance of each other. The property of the person +who had given the last charge was also discovered, and it was deemed +absolutely necessary to take them before the Magistrate. But as some +new incidents will arise on their introduction to the office, we shall +reserve them for the next Chapter. + + 1 Buff'd it, or peeled in prime twig--Stripped to the skin + in good order. The expressions are well known, and + frequently in use, among the sporting characters and lovers + of the fancy. + + 2 Turn to, or set to--The commencement of a battle. + + 3 Pal--A partner or confederate. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + Houses, churches, mixt together, + Streets unpleasant in all weather; + Prisons, palaces contiguous, + Gates, a bridge--the Thames irriguous; + Gaudy things, enough to tempt ye, + Showy outsides, insides empty; + Bubbles, trades, mechanic arts, + Coaches, wheelbarrows, and carts; + Warrants, bailiffs, bills unpaid, + Lords of laundresses afraid; + Rogues, that nightly rob and shoot men, + Hangmen, aldermen, and footmen; + Lawyers, poets, priests, physicians, + Noble, simple, all conditions; + Worth beneath a thread-bare cover, + Villainy bedaubed all over; + Women, black, red, fair, and grey, + Prudes, and such as never pray; + Handsome, ugly, noisy still, + Some that will not, some that will; + Many a beau without a shilling, + Many a widow not unwilling; + Many a bargain, if you strike it:-- + This is London--How d'ye like it? + +~88~~ON entering the Public Office, Bow-street, we must leave our +readers to guess at the surprise and astonishment with which the Hon. +Tom Dashall and his Cousin beheld their lost friend, Charles Sparkle, +who it appeared had been kindly accommodated with a lodging gratis in +a neighbouring watch-house, not, as it may readily be supposed, exactly +suitable to his taste or inclination. Nor was wonder less excited in the +mind of Sparkle at this unexpected meeting, as unlooked for as it +was fortunate to all parties. There was however no opportunity at the +present moment for an explanation, as the worthy Magistrate immediately +proceeded to an investigation of the case just brought before him, upon +which there was no difficulty in deciding. The charge was made, the +handkerchief sworn to, and the men, who ~89~~were well known as old +hands upon the town, committed for trial. The most remarkable feature in +the examination being the evidence of Pat Murphy, who by this time +had recollected that the man who was taken with the property about his +person, was the very identical aggressor who had offended him while the +hod of mortar was on his shoulder, before the conversation commenced +between himself and Tom opposite the Opera-house. + +“Sure enough, your Honour,” said he, “its a true bill. I'm an Irishman, +and I don't care who knows it--I don't fight under false colours, but +love the land of potatoes, and honour St. Patrick. That there man with +the _blue toggery_{1} tipp'd me a bit of blarney, what did not suit my +stomach. I dropp'd my load, which he took for an order to quit, and so +_mizzled_{2} out of my way, or by the big bull of Ballynafad, I'd have +powdered his wig with brick-dust, and bothered his bread-basket with a +little human kindness in the shape of an Irishman's fist; and then that +there other dirty end of a shelalah, while the Jontleman--long life to +your Honour, (bowing to Tom Dashall)--was houlding a bit of conversation +with Pat Murphy, _grabb'd_{3} his pocket-handkerchief, and was after +shewing a leg,{4} when a little boy that kept his oglers upon 'em, let +me into the secret, and let the cat out of the bag by bawling--Stop +thief! He darted off like a cow at the sound of the bagpipes, and I +boulted a'ter him like a good'un; so when I came up to him, Down you go, +says I, and down he was; and that's all I know about the matter.” + +As the prisoners were being taken out of court, the Hibernian followed +them. “Arrah,” said he, “my lads, as I have procured you a lodging for +nothing, here's the half-a-crown, what the good-looking Jontleman gave +me; it may sarve you in time of need, so take it along with you, perhaps +you may want it more than I do; and if you know the pleasure of spending +money that is honestly come by, it may teach you a lesson that may keep +you out of the clutches of Jock Ketch, and save + + 1 Blue toggery--Toggery is a flash term for clothing in + general, but is made use of to describe a blue coat. + + 2 Mizzled--Ran away. + + 3 Grabb'd--Took, or stole. + + 4 Shewing a leg--or, as it is sometimes called, giving leg- + bail--making the best use of legs to escape detection. + +~90~~you from dying in a horse's night-cap{1}--there, be off wid you.” + +The Hon. Tom Dashall, who had carefully watched the proceedings of Pat, +could not help moralizing upon this last act of the Irishman, and the +advice which accompanied it. “Here,” said he to himself, “is a +genuine display of national character. Here is the heat, the fire, the +effervescence, blended with the generosity and open-heartedness, so much +boasted of by the sons of Erin, and so much eulogized by travellers who +have visited the Emerald Isle.” And slipping a sovereign into his hand, +after the execution of a bond to prosecute the offenders, each of them +taking an arm of Sparkle, they passed down Bow-street, conversing on the +occurrences in which they had been engaged, of which the extraordinary +appearance of Sparkle was the most prominent and interesting. + +“How in the name of wonder came you in such a scrape?” said Tom. + +“Innocently enough, I can assure you,” replied Sparkle--“with my usual +luck--a bit of gig, a lark, and a turn up.{2} + + “... 'Twas waxing rather late, + And reeling bucks the street began to scour, + While guardian watchmen, with a tottering gait, + Cried every thing quite clear, except the hour.” + + 1 Horse's night-cap--A halter. + + 2 A bit of gig--a lark--a turn up--are terms made use of to + signify a bit of fun of any kind, though the latter more + generally means a fight. Among the bucks and bloods of the + Metropolis, a bit of fun or a lark, as they term it, ending + in a milling match, a night's lodging in the watch-house, + and a composition with the Charleys in the morning, to avoid + exposure before the Magistrate, is a proof of high spirit--a + prime delight, and serves in many cases to stamp a man's + character. Some, however, who have not courage enough to + brave a street-row and its consequences, are fond of fun of + other kinds, heedless of the consequences to others. “Go it, + my boys,” says one of the latter description, “keep it up, + huzza! I loves fun--for I made such a fool of my father last + April day:--but what do you think I did now, eh?--Ha! ha! + ha!--I will tell you what makes me laugh so: we were + keeping it up in prime twig, faith, so about four o'clock in + the morning 1 went down into the kitchen, and there was Dick + the waiter snoring like a pig before a blazing fire--done + up, for the fellow can't keep it up as we jolly boys do: So + thinks 1, I'll have you, my boy--and what does I do, but I + goes softly and takes the tongs, and gets a red hot coal as + big as my head, and plumpt it upon the fellow's foot and run + away, because I loves fun, you know: So it has lamed him, + and that makes me laugh so--Ha! ha! ha!--it was what I call + better than your _rappartees_ and your _bobinâtes_. I'll + tell you more too: you must know I was in high tip-top + spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man--for I do + loves fun: so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that + made me laugh heartily: So says I to the blind man--Hallo, + Master, what a you a'ter, what is you up to? does you want + your dog?--Yes, Sir, says he. Now only you mark what I said + to the blind man--Then go and look for him, old chap, says + I--Ha! ha! ha!--that's your sort, my boy, keep it up, keep + it up, d---- me. That's the worst of it, I always turn + sick when I think of a Parson--I always do; and my brother + he is a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear: so + you know I always swear like a trooper when I am near him, + on purpose to roast him. I went to dine with him one day + last week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more + of what you call your modest women; but I sent 'em all from + the table, and then laugh'd at 'em, for I loves fun, and + that was fun alive 0. And so there was nobody in the room + but my brother and me, and I begun to swear most sweetly: I + never swore so well in all my life--I swore all my new + oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear; + till at last my brother looked frightened, and d---- me that + was good fun. At last, he lifted up his hands and eyes to + Heaven, and calls out _O tempora, O mores!_ But I was not to + be done so. Oh! oh! Brother, says I, what you think to + frighten me by calling all your family about you; but I + don't care for you, nor your family neither--so stow it-- + I'll mill the whole troop--Only bring your Tempora and Mores + here, that's all--let us have fair play, I'll tip 'em the + Gas in a flash of lightning--I'll box 'em for five pounds, + d---- me: here, where's Tempora and Mores, where are they? + My eyes, how he did stare when he see me ready for a set to-- + I never laugh'd so in my life--he made but two steps out of + the room, and left me master of the field. What d'ye + think of that for a lark, eh?--Keep it up--keep it up, d---- + me, says I--so I sets down to the table, drank as much as I + could--then I mix'd the heel-taps all in one bottle, and + broke all the empty ones--then bid adieu to Tempora and + Mores, and rolled home in a hackney-coach in prime and + plummy order, d---- me.” + +“Coming along Piccadilly last night after leaving you, I was overtaken +at the corner of Rupert-street by our old college-companion Harry +Hartwell, pursuing his way to the Hummums, where it seems he has taken +up his abode. Harry, you remember, never was exactly one of us; he +studies too much, and pores everlastingly over musty old volumes of +Law Cases, Blackstone's Commentaries, and other black books, to qualify +himself for the black art, and as fit and proper person to appear at +the Bar. The length of time that had elapsed since our last meeting was +sufficient inducement for us to crack a bottle together; ~92~~so taking +his arm, we proceeded to the place of destination, where we sat talking +over past times, and indulging our humour till half-past one o'clock, +when I sallied forth on my return to Long's, having altogether abandoned +my original intention of calling in Golden-square. At the corner of +Leicester-square, my ears were assailed with a little of the night +music--the rattles were in full chorus, and the Charleys, in prime +twig,{1} were mustering from all quarters. + +[Illustration: page92 Tom and Bob Catching a Charley Napping] + +“The street was all alive, and I made my way through the crowd to the +immediate scene of action, which was rendered peculiarly interesting by +the discovery of a dainty bit of female beauty shewing fight with half +a dozen watchmen, in order to extricate herself from the grasp of these +guardians of our peace. She was evidently under the influence of +the Bacchanalian god, which invigorated her arm, without imparting +discretion to her head, and she laid about her with such dexterity, that +the old files{2} were fearful of losing their prey; but the odds were +fearfully against her, and never did I feel my indignation more aroused, +than when I beheld a sturdy ruffian aim a desperate blow at her head +with his rattle, which in all probability, had it taken the intended +effect, would have sent her in search of that peace in the other world, +of which she was experiencing so little in this. It was not possible +for me to stand by, an idle spectator of the destruction of a female +who appeared to have no defender, whatever might be the nature of the +offence alleged or committed. I therefore warded off the blow with my +left arm, and with my right gave him a well-planted blow on the conk,{3} +which sent him piping into the kennel. In a moment I was surrounded and +charged with a violent assault upon the charley,{4} and interfering with +the guardians of the night in the execution of their duty. A complete +diversion took place from the original object of their fury, and in the +bustle to secure me, the unfortunate girl made her escape, where to, or +how, heaven + + 1 Prime twig--Any thing accomplished in good order, or with + dexterity: a person well dressed, or in high spirits, is + considered to be in prime twig. + + 2 Old Jiles--A person who has had a long course of + experience in the arts of fraud, so as to become an adept in + the manouvres of the town, is termed a deep file--a rum + file, or an old file. + + 3 Conk--The nose. + + 4 Charley--A watchman. + +~93~~only knows. Upon finding this, I made no resistance, but marched +boldly along with the scouts{1} to St. Martin's watch-house, where we +arrived just as a hackney coach drew up to the door. + +“Take her in, d----n her eyes, she shall _stump up the rubbish_{2} +before I leave her, or give me the address of her _flash covey_,{3} +and so here goes.” By this time we had entered the watch-house, where +I perceived the awful representative of justice seated in an arm chair, +with a good blazing fire, smoking his pipe in consequential ease. +A crowd of Charleys, with broken lanterns, broken heads, and other +symptoms of a row, together with several casual spectators, had gained +admittance, when Jarvis entered, declaring--By G----he wouldn't be +choused by any wh----re or cull in Christendom, and he would make 'em +come down pretty handsomely, or he'd know the reason why: “And so please +your Worship, Sir”--then turning round, “hallo,” said he, “Sam, what's +becom'd of that there voman--eh--vhat, you've been playing booty eh, and +let her escape.” The man to whom this was intended to be addressed did +not appear to be present, as no reply was made. However, the case was +briefly explained. + +“But, by G----, I von't put any thing in Sam's vay again,” cried +Jarvey.{4} For my own part, as I knew nothing of the occurrences +adverted to, I was as much in the dark as if I had gone home without +interruption. The representations of the Charleys proved decisive +against me--in vain I urged the cause of humanity, and the necessity +I felt of protecting a defenceless female from the violence of +accumulating numbers, and that I had done no more than every man ought +to have done upon such an occasion. _Old puff and swill_, the lord +of the night, declared that I must have acted with malice +afore-thought--that I was a pal in the concern, and that I had been +instrumental in the design of effecting a rescue; and, after a very +short deliberation, he concluded that I must be a notorious rascal, and +desired me to make up my mind to remain with him for the remainder of +the night. Not relishing this, I proposed to send for bail, assuring him +of my + + 1 Scouts--Watchmen. + + 3 Stump up the rubbish--Meaning she (or he) shall pay, or + find money. + + 3 Flash covey--A fancy man, partner or protector + + 4 Jarvey--A coachman. + +~94~~attendance in the morning; but was informed it could not be +accepted of, as it was clearly made out against me that I had committed +a violent breach of the peace, and nothing at that time could be +produced that would prove satisfactory. Under these circumstances, and +partly induced by a desire to avoid being troublesome in other quarters, +I submitted to a restraint which it appeared I could not very well +avoid, and, taking my seat in an arm-chair by the fire-side, I soon fell +fast asleep, from which I was only aroused by the occasional entrances +and exits of the guardians, until between four and five o'clock, when +a sort of general muster of the Charleys took place, and each one +depositing his nightly paraphernalia, proceeded to his own habitation. +Finding the liberation of others from their duties would not have the +effect of emancipating me from my confinement, which was likely to +be prolonged to eleven, or perhaps twelve o'clock, I began to feel +my situation as a truly uncomfortable one, when I was informed by the +watch-house keeper, who resides upon the spot, that he was going to +_turn in_,{1} that there was fire enough to last till his wife turn'd +out, which would be about six o'clock, and, as I had the appearance of a +gentleman, if there was any thing I wanted, she would endeavour to make +herself useful in obtaining it. “But Lord,” said he, “there is no such +thing as believing any body now-a-days--there was such sets out, and +such manouvering, that nobody knew nothing of nobody.” + +“I am obliged to you, my friend,” said I, “for this piece of +information, and in order that you may understand something of the +person you are speaking to beyond the mere exterior view, here is +half-a-crown for your communication.” + +“Why, Sir,” said he, laying on at the same moment a shovel of coals, +“this here makes out what I said--Don't you see, said I, that 'are +Gentleman is a gentleman every inch of him, says I--as don't want +nothing at all no more nor what is right, and if so be as how he's got +himself in a bit of a hobble, I knows very well as how he's got +the tip{2} in his pocket, and does'nt want for spirit to pull it +out--Perhaps you might like some breakfast, sir?” + + 1 Turn in--Going to bed. This is a term most in use among + seafaring men. + + 2 Tip is synonymous with blunt, and means money. + +~95~~“Why yes,” said I--for I began to feel a little inclined that way. + +“O my wife, Sir,” said he, “will do all you want, when she rouses +herself.” + +“I suppose,” continued I, “you frequently have occasion to accommodate +persons in similar situations?” + +“Lord bless you! yes, sir, and a strange set of rum customers we have +too sometimes--why it was but a few nights ago we had 'em stowed here +as thick as three in a bed. We had 'em all upon the _hop_{1}--you never +see'd such fun in all your life, and this here place was as full of +curiosities as Pidcock's at Exeter Change, or Bartlemy-fair--Show 'em up +here, all alive alive O!” + +“Indeed!” said I, feeling a little inquisitive on the subject; “and how +did this happen?” + +“Why it was a _rummish_ piece of business altogether. There was a large +party of dancing fashionables all met together for a little jig in St. +Martin's lane, and a very pretty medley there was of them. The fiddlers +wagg'd their elbows, and the lads and lasses their trotters, till about +one o'clock, when, just as they were in the midst of a quadrille, in +burst the officers, and quickly changed the tune. The appearance of +these gentlemen had an instantaneous effect upon all parties present: +the cause of their visit was explained, and the whole squad taken into +custody, to give an account of themselves, and was brought here in +hackney-coaches. The delicate Miss and her assiduous partner, who, a +short time before had been all spirits and animation, were now sunk in +gloomy reflections upon the awkwardness of their situation; and many of +our inhabitants would have fainted when they were informed they would +have to appear before the Magistrate in the morning, but for the +well-timed introduction of a little drap of the _cratur_, which an Irish +lady ax'd me to fetch for her. But the best of the fun was, that in the +group we had a Lord and a Parson! For the dignity of the one, and the +honour of the other, they were admitted to bail--Lord have mercy upon +us! said the Parson--Amen, said the Lord; and this had the desired +effect upon the Constable of the night, for he let them off on the sly, +you understand: But my eyes what work there was in the morning! sixteen +Jarveys, full of live lumber, + + 1 Hop--A dance. + +~96~~were taken to Bow-street, in a nice pickle you may be sure, +dancing-pumps and silk-stockings, after setting in the watch-house all +night, and surrounded by lots of people that hooted and howled, as the +procession passed along, in good style. They were safely landed at the +Brown Bear, from which they were handed over in groups to be examined +by the Magistrate, when the men were discharged upon giving satisfactory +accounts, and the women after some questions being put to them. You see +all this took place because they were dancing in an unlicensed room. It +was altogether a laughable set-out as ever you see'd--the Dandys and +the Dandyzettes--the Exquisites--the Shopmen--the Ladies' maid and the +Prentice Boys--my Lord and his Reverence--mingled up higgledy-piggledy, +pigs in the straw, with Bow-street Officers, Runners and +Watchmen--Ladies squalling and fainting, Men swearing and almost +fighting. It would have been a pleasure to have kick'd up a row that +night, a purpose to get admission--you would have been highly amused, +I'll assure you--good morning, Sir.” And thus saying, he turned the lock +upon me, and left me to my meditations. In about a couple of hours +the old woman made her appearance, and prepared me some coffee; and at +eleven o'clock came the Constable of the night, to accompany me before +the Magistrate. + +“Aware that the circumstances were rather against me, and that I had no +right to interfere in other persons' business or quarrels, I consulted +him upon the best mode of making up the matter; for although I had +really done no more than becomes a man in protecting a female, I had +certainly infringed upon the law, in effecting the escape of a person in +custody, and consequently was liable to the penalty or penalties in such +cases made and provided. On our arrival at the Brown Bear, I was met +by a genteel-looking man, who delivered me a letter, and immediately +disappeared. Upon breaking the seal, I found its contents as follows: + +Dear Sir, Although unknown to me, I have learned enough of your +character to pronounce you a trump, a prime cock, and nothing but a good +one. I am detained by John Doe and Richard Roe with their d----d _fieri +facias_, or I should be with you. However, I trust you will excuse the +liberty I take in requesting you will make use of the enclosed for the +purpose of shaking yourself out of the ~97~~hands of the scouts and +their pals. We shall have some opportunities of meeting, when I will +explain: in the mean time, believe me I am + +Your's truly, + +Tom. + + +“With this advice, so consonant with my own opinion, I immediately +complied; and having satisfied the broken-headed Charley, and paid all +expences incurred, I was induced to walk into the office merely to give +a look around me, when by a lucky chance I saw you enter. And thus you +have a full, true, and particular account of the peregrinations of your +humble servant.” + +Listening with close attention to this narrative of Sparkle's, all other +subjects had escaped observation, till they found themselves in the +Strand. + +“Whither are we bound?” inquired Sparkle. + +“On a voyage of discoveries,” replied Dashall, “and we just wanted you +to act as pilot.” + +“What place is this?” inquired Bob. + +“That,” continued Sparkle, “is Somerset-house. It is a fine old +building; it stands on the banks of the Thames, raised on piers and +arches, and is now appropriated to various public offices, and houses +belonging to the various offices of the Government.” + +“The terrace, which lies on the river, is very fine, and may be well +viewed from Waterloo Bridge. The front in the Strand, you perceive, +has a noble aspect, being composed of a rustic basement, supporting a +Corinthian order of columns crowned with an attic in the centre, and at +the extremities with a balustrade. The south front, which looks into the +court, is very elegant in its composition. + +“The basement consists of nine large arches; and three in the centre +open, forming the principal entrance; and three at each end, filled with +windows of the Doric order, are adorned with pilasters, entablatures, +and pediments. On the key-stones of the nine arches are carved, in alto +relievo, nine colossal masks, representing the Ocean, and the eight main +Rivers of England, viz. _Thames, Humber, Mersey, Dee, Medway, Tweed, +Tyne, and Severn_, with appropriate emblems to denote their various +characters. + +“Over the basement the Corinthian order consists of ten columns upon +pedestals, having their regular entablature. It comprehends two +floors, and the attic in the centre of the front extends over three +intercolomniations, and is divided into three parts by four colossal +statues placed on ~98~~the columns of the order. It terminates with a +group consisting of the arms of the British empire, supported on one +side by the Genius of England, and by Fame, sounding the trumpet, on the +other. These three open arches in the front form the principal entrance +to the whole of the structure, and lead to an elegant vestibule +decorated with Doric columns. + +“The terrace, which fronts the Thames, is spacious, and commands a +beautiful view of part of the river, including Blackfriars, Waterloo, +and Westminster Bridges. It is reared on a grand rustic basement, +having thirty-two spacious arches. The arcade thus formed is judiciously +relieved by projections ornamented with rusticated columns, and the +effect of the whole of the terrace from the water is truly grand and +noble. There is however, at present, no admission for the public to +it; but, in all probability, it will be open to all when the edifice is +completed, which would form one of the finest promenades in the world, +and prove to be one of the first luxuries of the metropolis. + +“That statue in the centre is a representation of our late King, George +the Third, with the Thames at his feet, pouring wealth and plenty from +a large Cornucopia. It is executed by Bacon, and has his characteristic +cast of expression. It is in a most ludicrous situation, being placed +behind, and on the brink of a deep area. + +“In the vestibule are the rooms of the Royal Society, the Society of +Antiquarians, and the Royal Academy of Arts, all in a very grand and +beautiful style. Over the door of the Royal Academy is a bust of Michael +Angelo; and over the door leading to the Royal Society and Society of +Antiquarians, you will find the bust of Sir Isaac Newton. + +“The Government-offices, to which this building is devoted, are objects +of great astonishment to strangers, being at once commodious and +elegant, and worthy the wealth of the nation to which they belong. The +hall of the Navy office is a fine room with two fronts, one facing the +terrace and river, and the other facing the court. On the right is the +Stamp-office: it consists of a multitude of apartments: the room in +which the stamping is executed is very interesting to the curious. On +the left you see the Pay-office of the Navy. + +“The principal thing to attract notice in this edifice is 99~~the +solidity and completeness of the workmanship in the masonry, and indeed +in every other part.” + +After taking a rather prolonged view of this elegant edifice, they again +sallied forth into the Strand, mingling with all the noise and bustle +of a crowded street, where by turns were to be discovered, justling each +other, parsons, lawyers, apothecaries, projectors, excisemen, organists, +picture-sellers, bear and monkey-leaders, fiddlers and bailiffs. The +barber and the chimney-sweeper were however always observed to be +careful in avoiding the touch of each other, as if contamination must be +the inevitable consequence. + +“My dear fellow!” exclaimed a tall and well-dressed person, who dragged +the Honourable Tom Dashall on one side--“you are the very person I +wanted--I'm very glad to see you in town again--but I have not a moment +to spare--the blood-hounds are in pursuit--this term will be ended +in two days, then comes the long vacation--liberty without hiring +a horse--you understand--was devilishly afraid of being nabb'd just +now--should have been dished if I had--lend me five shillings--come, +make haste.” + +“Five shillings, Diddler, when am I to be paid? you remember--' When I +grow rich' was the reply.” + +“Know--yes, I know all about it--but no matter, I'm not going to settle +accounts just now, so don't detain me, I hate Debtor and Creditor. +Fine sport to-morrow, eh--shall be at the Ring--in cog.--take no +notice--disguised as a Quaker--Obadiah Lankloaks--d----d large beaver +hat, and hide my physog.--Lend me what silver you have, and be quick +about it, for I can't stay--thank you, you're a d----a good fellow, +Tom, a trump--shall now pop into a hack, and drive into another +county--thank ye--good day--by by.” + +During this harangue, while Tost was counting his silver, the ingenious +Mr. Diddler seized all he had, and whipping it speedily into his pocket, +in a few minutes was out of his sight. + +Sparkle observing Dashall looking earnestly after Diddler, approached, +and giving him a lusty slap on the shoulder--“Ha! ha! ha!” exclaimed he, +“what are you done again?” + +“I suppose so,” said Dashall; “confound the fellow, he is always +borrowing: I never met him in my life but ~100~~he had some immediate +necessity or other to require a loan of a little temporary supply, as he +calls it.” + +“I wonder,” said Sparkle, “that you are so ready to lend, after such +frequent experience--how much does he owe you?” + +“Heaven only knows,” continued Tom, “for I do not keep account against +him, I must even trust to his honour--so it is useless to stand here +losing our time--Come, let us forward.” + +“With all my heart,”, said Sparkle, “and with permission I propose a +visit to the Bonassus, a peep at St. Paul's, and a chop at Dolly's.” + +This proposition being highly approved of, they continued their +walk along the Strand, towards Temple Bar, and in a few minutes were +attracted by the appearance of men dressed in the garb of the Yeomen of +the Guards, who appeared active in the distribution of hand-bills, and +surrounded a house on the front of which appeared a long string of high +and distinguished names, as patrons and patronesses of the celebrated +animal called the Bonassus. Crossing the road in their approach to +the door, Tallyho could not help admiring the simple elegance of a +shop-front belonging to a grocer, whose name is Peck. + +“Very handsome and tasty, indeed,” replied Sparkle; “that combination of +marble and brass has a light and elegant effect: it has no appearance of +being laboured at. The inhabitant of the house I believe is a foreigner, +I think an Italian; but London boasts of some of the most elegant shops +in the world.” And by this time they entered the opposite house. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + “In London my life is a ring of delight, + In frolics I keep up the day and the night; + I snooze at the Hummums till twelve, perhaps later, + I rattle the bell, and I roar up the Waiter; + 'Your Honour,' says he, and he makes me a leg; + He brings me my tea, but I swallow an egg; + For tea in a morning's a slop I renounce, + So I down with a glass of good right cherry-bounce. + With--swearing, tearing--ranting, jaunting--slashing, + smashing--smacking, cracking--rumbling, tumbling + --laughing, quaffing--smoking, joking--swaggering, + Staggering: + So thoughtless, so knowing, so green and so mellow, + This, this is the life of a frolicsome fellow.” + +~101~~UPON entering the house, and depositing their shilling each to +view this newly discovered animal from the Apalachian mountains of +America, and being supplied with immense long bills descriptive of his +form and powers--“Come along (said Sparkle,) let us have a look at the +most wonderful production of nature--only seventeen months old, five +feet ten inches high, and one of the most fashionable fellows in the +metropolis.” + +“It should seem so,” said Tallyho, “by the long list of friends and +visitors that are detailed in the commencement of the bill of fare.” + +“Perhaps,” said Tom, “there are more Bon asses than one.” + +“Very likely (continued Sparkle;) but let me tell you the allusion in +this case does not apply, for this animal has nothing of the donkey +about him, and makes no noise, as you will infer from the following +lines in the Bill: + + “As the Bonassus does not roar, + His fame is widely known, + For no dumb animal before + Has made such noise in town.” + +~102~~At this moment the barking of a dog assailed their ears, and +suspended the conversation. Passing onward to the den of the Bonassus, +they found a dark-featured gentleman of middling stature, with his hair, +whiskers, and ears, so bewhitened with powder as to form a complete +contrast with his complexion and a black silk handkerchief which he wore +round his neck, holding a large brown-coloured dog by the collar, in +order to prevent annoyance to the visitors. + +“D----n the dog, (exclaimed he) although he is the best tempered +creature in the world, he don't seem to like the appearance of the +Bonassus “--and espying Sparkle, “Ha, my dear fellow! how are you?--I +have not seen you for a long while.” + +“Why, Sir D--n--ll, I am happy to say I never was better in my +life--allow me to introduce you to my two friends, the Hon. Mr. Dashall, +and Robert Tallyho--Sir D--n--ll Harlequin.” + +The mutual accompaniments of such an introduction having passed among +them, the Knight, who was upon the moment of departure as they entered, +expressed his approbation of the animal he had been viewing, and, +lugging his puppy by one hand, and his cudgel in the other, wished them +a good morning. + +“There is an eccentric man of Title,” continued Sparkle. + +“I should judge,” said Bob, “there was a considerable portion of +eccentricity about him, by his appearance. Is he a Baronet?” + +“A Baronet,” (replied Sparkle) “no, no, he is no other than a _Quack +Doctor_.”{1} + + 1 Of all the subjects that afford opportunities for the + satiric pen in the Metropolis, perhaps there is none more + abundant or prolific than that of Quackery. Dr. Johnson + observes, that “_cheats can seldom stand long against + laughter_.” But if a judgment is really to be formed from + existing facts, it may be supposed that times are so + materially changed since the residence of that able writer + in this sublunary sphere, that the reverse of the position + may with greater propriety be asserted. For such is the + prevailing practice of the present day, that, according to + the opinion of thousands, there is nothing to be done + without a vast deal more of profession and pretence than + actual power, and he who is the best able to bear laughing + at, is the most likely to realize the hopes he entertains of + obtaining celebrity, and of having his labours crowned with + success. Nothing can be more evident than this in the + Medical profession, though there are successful Quacks of + all kinds, and in all situations, to be found in London. + This may truly be called the age of Quackery, from the + abundance of impostors of every kind that prey upon society; + and such as cannot or will not think for themselves, ought + to be guarded in a publication of this nature, against the + fraudulent acts of those persons who make it their business + and profit to deteriorate the health, morals, and amusements + of the public. But, in the present instance, we are speaking + of the Medical Quack only, than which perhaps there is none + more remarkable. + + The race of Bossys, Brodrums, Solomons, Perkins, Chamants, + &c. is filled by others of equal notoriety, and no doubt of + equal utility. The Cerfs, the Curries, the Lamerts, the + Ruspinis, the Coopers, and Munroes, are all equally entitled + to public approbation, particularly if we may credit the + letters from the various persons who authenticate the + miraculous cures they have performed in the most inveterate, + we hail almost said, the most impossible, cases. If those + persons are really in existence (and who can doubt it?) they + certainly have occasion to be thankful for their escapes, + and we congratulate them; for in our estimation Quack + Doctors seem to consider the human frame merely as a subject + for experiments, which if successful will secure the + reputation of the practitioner. The acquisition of fame and + fortune is, in the estimation of these philosophers, cheaply + purchased by sacrificing the lives of a few of the vulgar, + to whom they prescribe gratis; and the slavish obedience of + some patients to the Doctor, is really astonishing. It is + said that a convalescent at Bath wrote to his Physician in + London, to know whether he might eat sauce with his pork; + but we have not been able to discover whether he expected an + answer gratis; that would perhaps have been an experiment + not altogether grateful to the Doctor's feelings. + + The practice of advertising and billing the town has become + so common, that a man scarcely opens a coal-shed, or a + potatoe-stall, without giving due notice of it in the + newspapers, and distributing hand-bills: and frequently with + great success. But our Doctors, who make no show of their + commodities, have no mode of making themselves known without + it. Hence the quantity of bills thrust into the hand of the + passenger through the streets of London, which divulge the + almost incredible performances of their publishers. A high- + sounding name, such as The Chevalier de diamant, the + Chevalier de Ruspini, or The Medical Board, well bored behind + and before, are perhaps more necessary, with a few paper + puffs--as “palpable hits, my Lord,” than either skill or + practice, to obtain notice and secure fame. + + The Chevalier de Chamant, who was originally a box-maker, + and a man of genius, considering box-making a plebeian + occupation, was for deducing a logical position, not exactly + perhaps by fair argument, but at all events through the + teeth, and was determined, although he could not, like Dr. + Pangloss, mend the cacology of his friends, at least to give + them an opportunity for plenty of jaw-work. With this + laudable object in view, he obtained a patent for making + artificial teeth of mineral paste; and in his advertisements + condescended not to prove their utility as substitutes for + the real teeth, when decayed or wanting, (this was beneath + his notice, and would have been a piece of mere plebeian + Quackery unworthy of his great genius,) but absolutely + assured the world that his mineral teeth were infinitely + superior to any production of nature, both for mastication + and beauty! How this was relished we know not; but he + declared (and he certainly ought to know) that none but + silly and timid persons would hesitate for one moment to + have their teeth drawn, and substitute his minerals: and it + is wonderful to relate, that although his charges were + enormous, and the operation (as may be supposed) not the + most pleasant, yet people could not resist the ingenious + Chevalier's fascinating and drawing puffs; in consequence of + which he soon became possessed of a large surplus of + capital, with which he determined to speculate in the Funds. + + For this purpose he employed old Tom Bish, the Stockbroker, + to purchase stock for the amount; but owing to a sudden + fluctuation in the market, a considerable depreciation took + place between the time of purchase and that of payment; a + circumstance which made the Chevalier grin and show his + teeth: Determining however, not to become a victim to the + fangs of Bulls and Bears, but rather to dive like a duck, he + declared the bargain was not legal, and that he would not be + bound by it. Bish upon this occasion proved a hard-mouthed + customer to the man of teeth, and was not a quiet subject to + be drawn, but brought an action against the mineral monger, + and recovered the debt. Tom's counsel, in stating the case, + observed, that the Defendant would find the law could bite + sharper aud hold tighter than any teeth he could make; and + so it turned out. + + The Chevalier de R--sp--ni is another character who has cut + no small figure in this line, but has recently made his + appearance in the Gazette, not exactly on so happy an + occasion as such a circumstance would be to his brother + chip, Dr. D--n--ll, now (we suppose) Sir Francis--though + perhaps equally entitled to the honour of knighthood. The + Chevalier has for some years looked Royalty in the face by + residing opposite Carlton House, and taken every precaution + to let the public know that such an important public + character was there to be found, by displaying his name as + conspicuously as possible on brass plates, &c. so that the + visitors to Carlton House could hardly fail to notice him as + the second greatest Character of that great neighbourhood. + But what could induce so great a man to sport his figure in + the Gazette, is as unaccountable as the means by which he + obtained such happy celebrity. Had it occurred immediately + after the war, it might have been concluded without much + stretch of imagination, that the Chevalier, who prides + himself on his intimacy with all the great men of the day, + had, through the friendship of the Duke of Wellington, made + a contract for the teeth and jaw-bones of all who fell at + the battle of Waterloo, and that by bringing to market so + great a stock at one time, the article had fallen in value, + and left the speculating Chevalier so great a loser as to + cause his bankruptcy. Whether such is the real cause or not, + it is difficult to ascertain what could induce the Chevalier + to descend from his dealings with the head to dabble with + lower commodities. + + Among other modes of obtaining notoriety, usually resorted + to by Empirics, the Chevalier used to job a very genteel + carriage and pair, but his management was so excellent, that + the expenses of his equipage were very trifling; for as it + was not intended to run, but merely to stand at the door + like a barker at a broker's shop, or a direction-post, he + had the loan on very moderate terms, the job-master taking + into account that the wind of the cattle was not likely to + be injured, or the wheels rattled to pieces by velocity, or + smashed by any violent concussion. + + The Chevalier had a Son, who unfortunately was not endowed + by nature with so much ambition or information as his + father; for, frequently when the carriage has been standing + at the door, he has been seen drinking gin most cordially + with Coachee, without once thinking of the evils of example, + or recollecting that he was one of the family. Papa used to + be very angry on these occasions, because, as he said, it + was letting people know that Coachee was only hired as &job, + and not as a family domestic. + + For the great benefit and advantage of the community, + Medical Boards have recently been announced in various parts + of the Metropolis, where, according to the assertions of the + Principals, in their advertisements, every disease incident + to human nature is treated by men of skilful practice; and + among these truly useful establishments, those of Drs. + Cooper, Munro, and Co. of Charlotte house, Blackfriars, and + Woodstock-house, Oxford-road, are not the least conspicuous. + Who these worthies are, it is perhaps difficult to + ascertain. One thing however is certain, that Sir + F----s C----e D--n--ll, M.D. is announced as Treasurer, + therefore there can be no doubt but that all is fair above + board, for + + “Brutus is an honourable man, + So are they all--all honourable men.” + + And where so much skill derived from experience is + exercised, it cannot be doubted but great and important + benefits may result to a liberal and enlightened people. Of + the establishment itself we are informed by a friend, that + having occasion to call on the Treasurer, upon some + business, the door was opened by a copper-coloured servant, + a good-looking young Indian--not a fuscus Hydaspes, but a + serving man of good appearance, who ushered him up stairs, + and introduced him to the front room on the first floor, + where all was quackery, bronze and brass, an electrical + machine, images, pictures and diplomas framed and glazed, + and a table covered with books and papers. In a short time, + a person of very imposing appearance entered the room, with + his hair profusely powdered, and his person, from his chin + to his toes, enveloped in a sort of plaid roquelaure, who, + apologizing for the absence of the Doctor, began to assure + him of his being in the entire confidence of the Board, and + in all probability would have proceeded to the operation of + feeling the pulse in a very short time, had not the visitor + discovered in the features of this disciple of Esculapius a + person he had known in former times. 'Why, good God!' + cried he, 'is that you?--What have you done with the Magic- + lantern, and the Lecture on Heads?--am I right, or am I in + fairy-land?' calling him by his name. It was in vain to + hesitate, it was impossible to escape, the discovery was + complete. It was plain however that the dealer in magical + delusions had not altogether given up the art of + legerdemain, which, perhaps, he finds the most profitable of + the two. + + Of the worthy Knight himself, (and perhaps the Coopers and + Munros have been consumed by the electrical fluid of their + own Board) much might be said. He is the inventor of a life- + preserver, with which it may be fairly presumed he has + effected valuable services to his country by the + preservation of Royalty, as a proof of deserving the honour + he has obtained. He is patriotic and independent, masonic + and benevolent, a great admirer of fancy horses and fancy + ladies, a curer of incurables, and has recently published + one of the most extraordinary Memoirs that has ever been + laid before the public, embellished with two portraits: + which of the two is most interesting must be left to the + discrimination of those who view them. It must however be + acknowledged, that after reading the following extract, + ingratitude is not yet eradicated from our nature, since, + notwithstanding he has obtained the dignified appellation of + Sir Francis, the Gazette says, that “in future no improper + person shall be admitted to the honour of knighthood, in + consequence of two surreptitious presentations lately”--the + one an M.D. the other F.R.C. Surgeons, particularly if it + were possible that this Gentleman may be one of the persons + alluded to. For, what says the Memoir? + + “The utility of Sir Francis's invention being thus fully + established, and its ingenuity universally admired, it + excited the interest of the first characters among the + nobility, and an introduction to Court was repeatedly + offered to Sir Francis on this account. After a previous + communication with one of the Royal Family, and also with + the Secretary of State, on the 14th June last, he had the + honour of being presented to His Majesty, who, justly + appreciating the merit of the discovery, was pleased to + confer upon him the honour of knighthood. + + “Thus it is pleasing, in the distribution of honours by the + hand of the Sovereign, to mark where they are conferred on + real merit. This is the true intention of their origin; but + it has been too often departed from, and they have been + given where no other title existed than being the friend of + those who had influence to gain the Royal ear. From the + above statement, it will be seen this honour was conferred + on Sir Francis by his Majesty for an invention, which has + saved since its discovery the lives of many hundreds, and + which may be considered as having given the original idea to + the similar inventions that have been attempted since that + time. Its utility and importance we have also seen + acknowledged and rewarded by the two leading Societies in + this country, and perhaps in Europe, viz. the Royal Humane, + and the Society of Arts. The Sovereign therefore was only + recognizing merit which had been previously established; and + the honour of knighthood, to the credit of the individual, + was conferred by his Majesty in the most liberal and + handsome manner, without any other influence being used by + Sir Francis than simply preferring the claim.” + + Thus the subject of Knighthood is to be nursed; and as the + Doctor and the Nurse are generally to be recognized + together, no one can read this part of the Memoir without + exclaiming--Well done, Nussey. But why not Gazetted, after + this liberal and hand-some manner of being rewarded? or why + an allusion to two surreptitious presentations, the names of + which two persons, so pointedly omitted, cannot well be + misunderstood? This is but doing things by halves, though no + such an observation can be applied to the proceedings of + Charlotte-house, where Cooper, Munro, and Co. (being well + explained) means two or three persons, viz. a black, a white + man, and a mahogany-coloured Knight--a barber by trade, and + a skinner by company--a dealer in mercurials--a puff by + practice and an advertiser well versed in all the arts of + his prototype--a practitioner in panygyric--the puff direct-- + the puff preliminary--the puff collateral--the puff + collusive--and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. + Whether this will apply to Sir Charles Althis or not, is + perhaps not so easy to ascertain; but as birds of a feather + like to flock together, so these medical Knights in + misfortune deserve to be noticed in the same column, + although the one is said to be a Shaver, and the other a + Quaker. It seems they have both been moved by the same + spirit, and both follow (a good way off) the profession of + medicine. + + Among the various improvements of these improving times, for + we are still improving, notwithstanding complaint, a learned + little Devil, inflated with gas, has suggested a plan for + the establishment of a Medical Assurance-office, where + person and property might be insured at so much per annum, + and the advantages to be derived from such an Institution + would be, that instead of the insurance increasing with + years, it would grow less and less. How many thousand + grateful patients would it relieve annually! but we fear it + would be a daily source of sorrow to these knightly + medicals, and would by them be considered a devilish hard + case. + + +But hush, here is other company, and I will give you an account of him +as we go along.” + +They now attended the Keeper, who explained the age, height, weight, +species, size, power, and propensities of the animal, and then departed +on their road towards Temple Bar,--on passing through which, they were +overtaken again by Sir Francis, in a gig drawn by a dun-coloured +horse, with his puppy between his legs, and a servant by his side, and +immediately renewed the previous conversation. + +“There he goes again,” said Sparkle, “and a rare fellow he is too.” + +“I should think so,” said Bob; “he must have quacked to some good +purpose, to obtain the honour of knighthood.” + +~108~~“Not positively that,” continued Sparkle; “for to obtain and to +deserve are not synonymous, and, if report say true, there is not much +honour attached to his obtaining it. + +“----In the modesty of fearful duty, + + I read as much as from the rattling tongue + Of saucy and audacious eloquence: + Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity, + At least speak most to my capacity.” + +And, according to my humble conception, he who talks much about himself, +or pays others to talk or write about him, is generally most likely to +be least deserving of public patronage; for if a man possesses real and +evident abilities in any line of profession, the public will not be +long in making a discovery of its existence, and the bounty, as is most +usually the case, would quickly follow upon the heels of approbation. +But many a meritorious man in the Metropolis is pining away his +miserable existence, too proud to beg, and too honest to steal, while +others, with scarcely more brains than a sparrow, by persevering in +a determination to leave no stone unturned to make themselves appear +ridiculous, as a first step to popularity; and having once excited +attention, even though it is merely to be laughed at by the thinking +part of mankind, he finds it no great difficulty to draw the money out +of their pockets while their eyes are riveted on a contemplation of his +person or conduct. And there are not wanting instances of effrontery +that have elevated men of little or no capacity to dignified situations. +If report say true, the present Secretary of the Admiralty, who is +admirable for his poetry also, was originally a hair-dresser, residing +somewhere in Blackfriar's or Westminster-road; but then you must +recollect he was a man who knew it was useless to lose a single +opportunity; and probably such has been the case with Sir Daniel +Harlequin, who, from keeping a small shop in Wapping, making a blaze +upon the water about his Life-preserver, marrying a wife with a red +face and a full pocket, retired to a small cottage at Mile End, and +afterwards establishing a Medical Board, has got himself dubbed a +Knight. To be sure he has had a deal of puffing and blowing work to get +through in his progress, which probably accounts for his black looks, +not a little increased by the quantity of powder he wears. But what have +we here?” finding the bustle of the streets considerably increased after +passing Temple Bar. + +“Some political Bookseller or other, in all probability,” said +Tom--“I'll step forward and see.” And in passing through the numerous +body of persons that crowded on every side, the whole party was +separated. Bob, who had hung a little back while his two friends rushed +forward, was lingering near the corner of the Temple: he was beckoned by +a man across the way, to whom he immediately went. + +“Do you happen to want a piece of fine India silk handkerchiefs, Sir? +I have some in my pocket that I can recommend and sell cheap--for money +must be had; but only keep it to yourself, because they are smuggled +goods, of the best quality and richest pattern.” During this opening +speech, he was endeavouring to draw Tallyho under the archway of +Bell-yard, when Sparkle espying him, ran across to him, and taking him +by the arm--“Come along (said he;) and if you don't take yourself off +instantly, I'll put you in custody,” shaking his stick at the other. + +All this was like Hebrew to Bob, who, for his part, really conceived the +poor fellow, as he termed him, might be in want of money, and compelled +to dispose of his article for subsistence. + +“Ha, ha, ha,” cried Sparkle, “I see you know nothing about them: these +are the locusts of the town.” At this moment they were joined by the +Hon. Tom Dashall. + +“Egad!” continued Sparkle, “I just saved your Cousin from being +trepanned, and sent for a soldier.” + +Tallyho appeared all amazement. + +“What,” cried Tom, “in the wars of Venus then, I suppose I know he has a +fancy for astronomy, and probably he was desirous of taking a peep into +Shire-lane, where he might easily find the Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars.” + +“Ha! ha! ha!” replied Sparkle, “not exactly so; but I rescued him from +the hands of a Buffer,{1} who would + + 1 Buffers miscalled Duffers--Persons who adopt a species of + swindling which is rather difficult of detection, though it + is daily practised in London. The term Buffer takes its + derivation from a custom which at one time prevailed of + carrying Bandanas, sarsnets, French stockings, and silk of + various kinds, next the shirts of the sellers; so that upon + making a sale, they were obliged to undress in order to come + at the goods, or in other words, to strip to the skin, or + buff it; by which means they obtained the title of Buffers. + This trade (if it may be so termed) is carried on in a + genteel manner. The parties go about from house to house, + and attend public-houses, inns, and fairs, pretending to + sell smuggled goods, such as those already mentioned; and by + offering their goods for sale, they are enabled by practice + to discover the proper objects for their arts. + + Buffers, or Duffers, who are not rogues in the strict sense + of the word, only offer to sell their goods to the best + advantage, and by this means evade the detection of the + police, but are equally subversive or destructive of common + honesty under a cloak or disguise; for if they can persuade + any person that the article offered is actually better or + cheaper than any other person's, they are doing no more than + every tradesman does; but then as they pay no rent or taxes + to the State, the principal objection to them lies in the + mode of operation, and an overstrained recommendation of + their goods, which are always, according to their account, + of the most superior quality; and they have a peculiar + facility of discovering the novice or the silly, to whom + walking up with a serious countenance and interesting air, + they broach the pleasing intelligence, that they have on + sale an excellent article well worth their attention, giving + a caution at the same time, that honour and secrecy must be + implicitly observed, or it may lead to unpleasantness to + both parties. By these means persons from the country are + frequently enticed into public-houses to look at their + goods; and if they do not succeed in one way, they are + almost sure in another, by having an accomplice, who will + not fail to praise the articles for sale, and propose some + gambling scheme, by which the party is plundered of his + money by passing forged Bank-notes, base silver or copper, + in the course of their dealings. + +~110~~doubtless have fleeced him in good style, if he could only have +induced him to attend to his story.” + +“The mob you see collected there,” said the Hon. Tom Dashalll, “is +attracted by two circumstances--Money's new Coronation Crop, just +lanched--and a broken image of a Highlander, at the door of a +snuff-shop; each of them truly important and interesting of course, the +elevation of one man, and the destruction of another. The poor Scotchman +seems dreadfully bruised, and I suppose is now under the Doctor's hands, +for he has two or three plasters on his face.” + +“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “he has been out on a spree,{1} had a bit of a +turn-up, and been knock'd down.” + +Upon hearing this conversation, Tallyho could not help inquiring into +the particulars. + +“Why the facts are simply as follows,” continued + + + 1 Spree--A bit of fun, or a frolicsome lark. + +~111~~Sparkle--“in London, as you perceive, tradesmen are in the habit +of exhibiting signs of the business or profession in which they are +engaged. The Pawnbroker decorates his door with three gold balls--the +Barber, in some places, (though it is a practice almost out of date) +hangs out a long pole--the Gold-beater, an arm with a hammer in the +act of striking--the Chemist, a head of Glauber, or Esculapius--the +Tobacconist, a roll of tobacco, and of late it has become customary +for these venders of pulverised atoms called snuff, to station a wooden +figure of a Highlander, in the act of taking a pinch of Hardham's, or +High-dried, as a sort of inviting introduction to their counters; and +a few nights back, a Scotchman, returning from his enjoyments at a +neighbouring tavern, stopped to have a little friendly chat with this +gentleman's Highlander, and by some means or other, I suppose, a quarrel +ensued, upon which the animated young Scotchman took advantage of his +countryman--floored him, broke both his arms, and otherwise did him +considerable bodily injury, the effects of which are still visible; +and Johnny Bull, who is fond of a little gape-seed, is endeavouring to +console him under his sufferings.” + +“Very kind of him, indeed,” replied Bob. + +“At any rate,” said Tom, “the Tobacconist will have occasion to be +grateful to the Highlander{1} for some portion of his popularity.” + + 1 It is matter of astonishment to some, but not less true, + that many tradesmen in the Metropolis have to ascribe both + fame and fortune to adventitious circumstances. It is said + that Hardham, of Fleet Street, had to thank the celebrated + Comedian, Foote, who, in one of his popular characters, + introducing his snuffbox, offered a pinch to the person he + was in conversation with on the stage, who spoke well of it, + and inquired where he obtained it?--“Why, at Hardham's, to + be sure.” And to this apparently trifling circumstance, + Hardham was indebted for his fortune. + + The importance of a Highlander to a snuff-shop will appear + by a perusal of the following fact:-- + + A very respectable young man, a Clerk in the office of an + eminent Solicitor, was recently brought before Mr. Alderman + Atkins, upon the charge of being disorderly. The prisoner, + it seemed, on his return home from a social party, where he + had been sacrificing rather too freely to the jolly god, was + struck with the appearance of a showy wooden figure of a + Highlander, at the door of Mr. Micklan's snuff-shop, No. 12, + Fleet Street. The young Attorney, who is himself a + Scotchman, must needs claim acquaintance with his + countryman. He chucked him familiarly under the chin, called + him a very pretty fellow, and, in the vehemence of his + affection, embraced him with so much violence, as to force + him from his station. Mr. Micklan ran to the assistance of + his servant, and in the scuffle the unfortunate Highlander + had both his arms dislocated, the frill that adorned his + neck damaged, besides other personal injuries, which his + living countryman not being in the humour to atone for, Mr. + Micklau gave him in charge to the watchman. Before the + Magistrate in the morning, the young man appeared heartily + sick of his folly, and perfectly willing to make every + reparation, but complained of the excessive demand, which he + stated to be no less than thirteen guineas. Mr. Micklan + produced the remains of the unfortunate Highlander, who + excited a compound fracture of both arms, with a mutilation + of three or four fingers, and such other bodily wounds, as + to render his perfect recovery, so as to resume his + functions at Mr. Micklan's door, altogether hopeless. The + Highlander, the complainant stated, cost him thirteen + guineas, and was entirely new. The sum might seem large for + the young gentleman to pay for such a frolic, but it would + not compensate him for the injury he should sustain by the + absence of the figure; for, however strange it might appear, + he did not hesitate to say, that without it he should not + have more than half his business. Since he had stationed it + at his door, he had taken on an average thirty shillings a + day more than he had done previous to exhibiting his + attractions. + + There being no proof of a breach of the peace, Mr. Alderman + Atkins advised the gentleman to settle the matter upon the + best terms he could. They withdrew together, and on their + return the complainant reported that the gentleman had + agreed to take the figure, and furnish him with a new one. + + Mr. Alderman Atkins, in discharging the prisoner, + recommended to him to get the figure repaired, and make a + niche for him in his office, where, by using it as a proper + memorial, it would probably save him more than it cost him. + + The broken figure has since been exhibited in his old + station, and excited considerable notice; but we apprehend + he is not yet able to afford all the attractions of his + occupation, for he has formerly been seen inviting his + friends to a pinch of snuff gratis, by holding a box + actually containing that recreating powder in his hand, in + the most obliging and condescending manner--a mark of + politeness and good breeding well worthy of respectful + attention. + +“Come,” said Sparkle, “we are now in one of the principal thoroughfares +of the Metropolis, Fleet Street, of which you have already heard much, +and is at all times thronged with multitudes of active and industrious +persons, in pursuit of their various avocations, like a hive of bees, +and keeping up, like them, a ceaseless hum. Nor is it less a scene of +Real Life worth viewing, than the more refined haunts of the noble, the +rich, and the great, many of whom leave their splendid habitations in +the West in the morning, to attend the money-getting, ~113~~commercial +men of the City, and transact their business.--The dashing young +spendthrift, to borrow at any interest; and the more prudent, to buy or +to sell. The plodding tradesman, the ingenious mechanic, are exhausting +their time in endeavours to realize property, perhaps to be left for +the benefit of a Son, who as ardently sets about, after his Father's +decease, to get rid of it--nay, perhaps, pants for an opportunity of +doing this before he can take possession; for the young Citizen, having +lived just long enough to conceive himself superior to his father, in +violation of filial duty and natural authority, affects an aversion to +every thing that is not novel, expensive, and singular. He is a lad of +high spirit; he calls the city a poor dull prison, in which he cannot +bear to be confined; and though he may not intend to mount his nag, +stiffens his cravat, whistles a sonata, to which his whip applied to the +boot forms an accompaniment; while his spurs wage war with the flounces +of a fashionably-dressed belle, or come occasionally in painful contact +with the full-stretched stockings of a gouty old gentleman; by all +which he fancies he is keeping” up the dignity and importance of his +character. He does not slip the white kid glove from his hand without +convincing the spectator that; his hand is the whiter skin; nor +twist his fingers for the introduction of a pinch of Maccaba, without +displaying to the best advantage his beautifully chased ring and +elegantly painted snuff-box lid; nor can the hour of the day be +ascertained without discovering his engine-turned repeater, and hearing +its fascinating music: then the fanciful chain, the precious stones +in golden robes, and last of all, the family pride described in true +heraldic taste and naïveté. Of Peter Pindar's opinion, that + + “Care to our coffin adds a nail, + But every grin so merry draws one out,” + +he thinks it an admirable piece of politeness and true breeding to give +correct specimens of the turkey or the goose in the serious scenes of a +dramatic representation, or while witnessing her Ladyship's confusion +in a crowd of carriages combating for precedence in order to obtain +an early appearance at Court. Reading he considers quite a bore, but +attends the reading-room, which he enters, not to know what is worth +reading and add a little knowledge to his slender stock from the labours +and experience of ~114~~men of letters--no, but to quiz the cognoscenti, +and throw the incense over its learned atmosphere from his strongly +perfumed cambric handkerchief, which also implies what is most in +use for the indulgence of one of the five senses. When he enters a +coffee-room, it is not for the purpose of meeting an old friend, and to +enjoy with him a little rational conversation over his viands, but +to ask for every newspaper, and throw them aside without looking at +them--to call the Waiter loudly by his name, and shew his authority--to +contradict an unknown speaker who is in debate with others, and declare, +upon the honour of a gentleman and the veracity of a scholar, that Pope +never understood Greek, nor translated Homer with tolerable justice. +He considers it a high privilege to meet a celebrated pugilist at an +appointed place, to floor him for a quid,{1} a fall, and a high delight +to talk of it afterwards for the edification of his friends--to pick +up a Cyprian at mid-day--to stare modest women out of countenance--to +bluster at a hackney-coachman--or to upset a waterman in the river, in +order to gain the fame of a Leander, and prove himself a Hero. + +“He rejects all his father's proposed arrangements for his domestic +comforts and matrimonial alliance. He wanders in his own capricious +fancy, like a fly in summer, over the fields of feminine beauty and +loveliness; yet he declares there is so much versatility and instability +about the fair sex, that they are unworthy his professions of regard; +and, perhaps, in his whole composition, there is nothing deserving of +serious notice but his good-nature. Thus you have a short sketch of a +young Citizen.” + +“Upon my word, friend Sparkle, you are an admirable delineator of +Society,” said Dashall. + +“My drawings are made from nature,” continued Sparkle. + +“Aye, and very naturally executed too,” replied Tom. Having kept walking +on towards St. Paul's, they were by this time near the end of Shoe Lane, +at the corner of which sat an elderly woman with a basket of mackerel +for sale; and as they approached they saw several persons rush from +thence into the main street in evident alarm. + +“Come up, d----n your eyes,” said an ill-favoured fellow with an +immense cudgel in his fist, driving an ass laden + + 1 Quid--A. Guinea. + +115~~with brick-dust, with which he was belabouring him most +unmercifully. The poor beast, with an endeavour to escape if possible +the cudgelling which awaited him, made a sudden turn round the post, +rubbing his side against it as he went along, and thereby relieving +himself of his load, which he safely deposited, with a cloud of +brick-dust that almost blinded the old woman and those who were near +her, in the basket of fish. Neddy then made the best of his way towards +Fleet-market, and an over-drove bullock, which had terrified many +persons, issued almost at the same moment from Shoe Lane, and took the +direction for Temple-bar. The whistling, the hooting, the hallooing, +and the running of the drovers in pursuit--men, women, and children, +scampering to get out of the way of the infuriated beast--the noise and +rattling of carriages, the lamentations of the poor fish-fag, and the +vociferations of the donkey-driver to recover his neddy--together with a +combination of undistinguishable sounds from a variety of voices, crying +their articles for sale, or announcing their several occupations--formed +a contrast of characters, situations, and circumstances, not easily to +be described. Here, a poor half-starved and almost frightened-to-death +brat of a Chimney-sweeper, in haste to escape, had run against a lady +whose garments were as white as snow--there, a Barber had run against +a Parson, and falling along with him, had dropped a pot of pomatum from +his apron-pocket on the reverend gentleman's eye, and left a mark in +perfect unison with the colour of his garments before the disaster, but +which were now of a piebald nature, neither black nor white. A barrow +of nuts, overturned in one place, afforded fine amusement for the +scrambling boys and girls--a Jew old clothes-man swore upon his +conscience he had losht the pest pargain vhat he ever had offered to him +in all his lifetime, by dem tam'd bears of bull-drivers--a Sailor called +him a gallows _half-hung ould crimp_,{1} d----d his + + 1 Crimp--Kidnappers, Trappers, or Procurers of men for the + Merchant Service; and the East-India company contract with + them for a supply of sailors to navigate their ships out and + home. These are for the most part Jews, who have made + advances to the sailors of money, clothes, victuals, and + lodgings, generally to a very small amount, taking care to + charge an enormous price for every article. The poor + fellows, by these means, are placed under a sort of + espionage, if not close confinement, till the ship is ready + to receive them; and then they are conducted on board at + Gravesend by the Crimp and his assistants, and a receipt + taken for them. + + In this process there is nothing very reprehensible--the men + want births, and have no money--the Crimp keeps a lodging- + house, and wishes to be certain of his man: he therefore + takes him into the house, and after a very small supply of + cash, the grand do, is to persuade him to buy watches, + buckles, hats, and jackets, to be paid for on his receiving + his advance previous to sailing. By this means and the + introduction of grog, the most barefaced and unblushing + robberies have been committed. + + With the same view of fleecing the unwary poor fellows, who + + “... at sea earn their money like horses, + To squander it idly like asses on shore,” + + they watch their arrival after the voyage, and advance small + sums of money upon their tickets, or perhaps buy them out + and out, getting rid at the same time of watches, jewellery, + and such stuff, at more than treble their real value. Not + only is this the case in London, but at all the out-ports it + is practised to a very great extent, particularly in war + time. + + Happy would it be for poor Jack were this all; he is some- + times brought in indebted to the Crimp to a large nominal + amount, by what is called a long-shore attorney, or more + appropriately, a black shark, and thrown into jail!!! There + he lies until his body is wanted, and then the incarcerator + négociâtes with him for his liberty, to be permitted to + enter on board again. + +~116~~eyes if he was not glad of it, and, with a sling of his arm, +deposited an enormous quid he had in his mouth directly in the chaps +of the Israelite, then joined the throng in pursuit; while the Jew, +endeavouring to call Stop thief, took more of the second-hand quid +than agreed with the delicacy of his stomach, and commenced a vomit, +ejaculating with woful lamentations, that he had lost his bag mit all +his propertish. + +The old mackarel-woman, seeing her fish covered with brick-dust, set off +in pursuit of the limping donkey-driver, and catching him by the neck, +swore he should pay her for the fish, and brought him back to the scene +of action; but, in the mean time, the Street-keeper had seized +and carried off the basket with all its contents--misfortune upon +misfortune! + +“D----n your ass, and you too,” said the Fish-woman, “if you doesn't +pay me for my fish, I'll _quod_{1} you--that there's all vat I ar got to +say.” + +“Here's a bit of b----dy gammon--don't you see as how I am lost both +my ass and his cargo, and if you von't leave + + 1 Quod--A Jail--to quod a person is to send him to jail. + +~117~~me alone, and give me my bags again, I'll sarve you out--there +now, that's all--bl----st me! fair play's a jewel--let go my hair, +and don't kick up no rows about it--see vhat a mob you're a making +here--can't you sell your mackarel ready sauced, and let me go ater +Neddy?” + +“Vhat, you thinks you are a _flat-catching_,{1} do you, Limping +Billy--but eh, who has run away with my basket offish?” + +“Ha, ha, ha,” cried Limping Billy, bursting into a horse-laugh at the +additional distress of the old woman, in which he was joined by many of +the surrounding spectators; and which so enraged her, that she let go +her hold, and bursting through the crowd with an irresistible strength, +increased almost to the fury of madness by her additional loss, she ran +some paces distance in search of, not only her stock in trade, but +her shop, shop-board, and working-tools; while the donkey-driver +boisterously vociferated after her--“Here they are six a shilling, live +mackarel O.” + +This taunt of the brick-dust merchant was too much to be borne, and +brought her back again with a determination to chastise him, which she +did in a summary way, by knocking him backwards into the kennel. Billy +was not pleased at this unexpected salute, called her a drunken ----, +and endeavoured to get out of her way--“for,” said he, “I know she is a +b----dy rum customer when she gets lushy.”{2} At this moment, a sturdy +youth, about sixteen or seventeen years of age, was seen at a short +distance riding the runaway-ass back again. Billy perceiving this, +became a little more reconciled to his rough usage--swore he never would +strike a voman, so help him G----d, for that he was a man every inch of +him; and as for Mother Mapps, he'd be d----nd-if he vouldn't treat her +with all the pleasure of life; and now he had got his own ass, he vould +go along with her for to find her mackarel. Then shaking a cloud of +brick-dust from the dry parts of his apparel, with sundry portions of +mud from those parts which had most easily reached the kennel, he took +the bridle of his donkey, and bidding her come along, they toddled{3} +together to a gin-shop in Shoe Lane. + + 1 Flat-catching--Is an expression of very common use, and + seems almost to explain itself, being the act of taking + advantage of any person who appears ignorant and + unsuspicious. + + 2 Lushy--Drunk. + + 3 Toddle--To toddle is to walk slowly, either from + infirmity or choice--“Come, let us toddle,” is a very + familiar phrase, signifying let us be going. + +~118~~Desirous of seeing an end to this bit of gig--“Come along,” said +Sparkle, “they'll all be in prime twig presently, and we shall have some +fun. + + “I'm the boy for a bit of a bobbery, + Nabbing a lantern, or milling a pane; + A jolly good lark is not murder or robbery, + Let us be ready and nimble.” + +Hark, (said he) there's a fiddle-scraper in the house--here goes;” and +immediately they entered. + +They had no occasion to repent of their movements; for in one corner +of the tap-room sat Billy Waters, a well-known character about town, +a Black Man with a wooden leg was fiddling to a Slaughterman from +Fleet-market, in wooden shoes, who, deck'd with all the paraphernalia of +his occupation, a greasy jacket and night-cap, an apron besmeared with +mud, blood, and grease, nearly an inch thick, and a leathern girdle, +from which was suspended a case to hold his knives, and his sleeves +tuck'd up as if he had but just left the slaughter-house, was dancing in +the centre to the infinite amusement of the company, which consisted of +an old woman with periwinkles and crabs for sale in a basket--a porter +with his knot upon the table--a dustman with his broad-flapped hat, and +his bell by his side--an Irish hodman--and two poor girls, who appeared +to be greatly taken with the black fiddler, whose head was decorated +with an oil-skinned cock'd hat, and a profusion of many coloured +feathers: on the other side of the room sat a young man of +shabby-genteel appearance, reading the newspaper with close attention, +and purring forth volumes of smoke. Limping Billy and Mother Mapps were +immediately known, and room was made for their accommodation, while the +fiddler's elbow and the slaughterman's wooden shoes were kept in motion. + +_Max_{l} was the order of the day, and the _sluicery_{2} in good +request. Mother Mapps was made easy by being informed the Street-keeper +had her valuables in charge, which Limping Billy promised he would +redeem. “Bring us a + + + 1 Max--A very common term for gin. + + 2 Sluicery--A gin-shop or public-house: so denominated from + the lower orders of society sluicing their throats as it + were with gin, and probably derived from the old song + entitled “The Christening of Little Joey,” formerly sung + by Jemmy Dodd, of facetious memory. + + “And when they had sluiced their gobs + With striving to excel wit, + The lads began to hang their nobs,* + And lip their frows** the velvet.*** + + * Nobs--Heads. + + ** Frows--Originally a Dutch word, meaning wives, or girls. + + *** Velvet--The tongue. + +~119~~noggin of _white tape_,{1} and fill me a pipe,” said he--“d----n +my eyes, I knowed as how it vou'd be all right enough, I never gets in +no rows whatever without getting myself out again--come, _ould chap,{2} +vet your vistle, and tip it us rum--go it my kiddy, that are's just vat +I likes_.” + +“Vat's the reason I an't to have a pipe?” said Mother Mapps. + +“Lord bless your heart,” said the Donkey-driver, “if I did'nt forget +you, never trust me--here, Landlord, a pipe for this here Lady.” + +“Which way did the bull run?” said the Irishman. + +“Bl----st me if I know,” replied Limping Billy, “for I was a +looking out for my own ass--let's have the Sprig of Shelalah, _ould +Blackymoor_--come, tune up.” + +The old woman being supplied with a pipe, and the fiddler having rosined +his nerves with a glass of _blue ruin_{3} to it they went, some singing, +some whistling, and others drumming with their hands upon the table; +while Tom, Bob, and Sparkle, taking a seat at the other side of +the room, ordered a glass of brandy and water each, and enjoyed the +merriment of the scene before them, perhaps more than those actually +engaged in it. Bob was alive to every movement and every character, for +it was new, and truly interesting: and kept growing more so, for in a +few minutes Limping Billy and Mother Mapps joined the Slaughterman in +the dance, when nothing could be more grotesque and amusing. Their pipes +in their mouths--clapping of hands and snapping of fingers, formed a +curious accompaniment to the squeaking of the fiddle--the broad grin of +the Dustman, and the preposterous laugh of the + + 1 White Tape--Also a common term for gin, particularly among + the Ladies. + + 2 Ould Chap, or Ould Boy--Familiar terms of address among + flash lads, being a sort of contraction of old acquaintance, + or old friend. + + 3 Blue Ruin--Gin. + +~120~~Irishman at the reelers in the centre, heightened the picture--more +gin--more music, and more tobacco, soon ad a visible effect upon the +party, and reeling became unavoidable. The young man reading the paper, +found it impossible to understand what he was perusing, and having +finished his pipe and his pint, made his exit, appearing to have no +relish for the entertainment, and perhaps heartily cursing both the +cause and the effect. Still, however, the party was not reduced in +number, for as one went out another came in. + +This new customer was a young-looking man, bearing a large board on a +high pole, announcing the residence of a Bug-destroyer in the Strand. +His appearance was grotesque in the extreme, and could only be equalled +by the eccentricities of his manners and conversation. He was dressed +in a brown coat, close buttoned, over which he had a red camlet or stuff +surtout, apparently the off-cast of some theatrical performer, but with +a determination to appear fashionable; for + + “Folks might as well be dead--nay buried too, + As not to dress and act as others do.” + +He wore mustachios, a pair of green spectacles, and his whole figure was +surmounted with a fur-cap. Taking a seat directly opposite our party +at the same table--“Bring me a pint,” said he; and then deliberately +searching his pockets, he produced a short pipe and some tobacco, with +which he filled it--“You see,” said he, “I am obliged to smoke according +to the Doctor's orders, for an asthma--so I always smokes three pipes a +day, that's my allowance; but I can eat more than any man in the room, +and can dance, sing, and act--nothing conies amiss to me, all the +players takes their characters from me.” + +After this introduction--“You are a clever fellow, I'll be bound for +it,” said Dashall. + +“O yes, I acts Richard the Third sometimes--sometimes Macbeth and +Tom Thumb. I have played before Mr. Kean: then I acted Richard the +Third--'Give me a horse! '--(starting into the middle of the room)--'no, +stop, not so--let me see, let me see, how is it?--ah, this is the +way--Give me a horse--Oh! Oh! Oh!--then you know I dies.”--And down he +fell on the floor, which created a general roar of laughter; while +Billy Waters ~121~~struck up, “See the conquering Hero conies!” to the +inexpressible delight of all around him--their feet and hands all going +at the same time. + +Mother Mapps dropp'd her pipe, and d----d the weed, it made her sick, +she said. + +Limping Billy was also evidently in _queer-street_. + +“Come,” said Sparkle, “won't you have a drop more?” + +“Thank ye, Sir,” was the reply; and Sparkle, intent upon having his +gig out, ordered a fresh supply, which soon revived the fallen hero of +Bosworth-field, and Richard was himself again. + +“Now,” said he, “I'll sing you a song,” and immediately commenced as +follows:-- + + “My name's Hookey Walker, I'm known very well, + In acting and eating I others excel; + The player-folks all take their patterns from me, + And a nice pattern too!--Don't you see? don't you see? + Oh! [_glancing at his fingers_] It will do--it will do. + + At Chippenham born, I was left quite forlorn, + When my father was dead and my mother was gone; + So I came up to London, a nice little he, + And a nice pattern too!--Don't you see? don't you see? + Oh! it will do--it will do. + + A courting I went to a girl in our court, + She laugh'd at my figure, and made me her sport; + I was cut to the soul,--so said I on my knee, + I'm a victim of love!--Don't you see? don't you see? + Oh! it won't do--it won't do. + + Now all day I march to and fro in the street, + And a candle sometimes on my journey I eat; + So I'll set you a pattern, if you'll but agree, + And a nice pattern too! you shall see--you shall see. + Oh! it will do--it will do.” + +This Song, which he declared was all _made out of his own head_, was +sung with grotesque action and ridiculous grimace, intended no doubt in +imitation of Mr. Wilkinson in his inimitable performance of this strange +piece of whimsicality. The dancing party was knock'd up and were lobbing +their _lollys_,{1} half asleep and half awake, on the table, bowing as +it were to the magnanimous influence + + 1 Lobbing their lollys--Laying their heads. + +~122~~of _Old Tom_.{1} The Dustman and the Irishman laugh'd heartily; +and Das hall, Tallyho, and Sparkle, could not resist the impulse +to risibility when they contemplated the group before them. The +Bug-destroyer _munched_{2} a candle and _sluiced_{3} his greasy +_chops_{4} with _Jacky_{5} almost as fast as they could supply him +with it, when Sparkle perceiving the boy was still at the door with the +runaway ass, + +“Come,” said he, “we'll start 'em off home in high style--here, you Mr. +Bugman, can you ride?” + +“Ride, aye to be sure I can, any of Mr. Astley's horses as well as the +Champion of England,”{6} was the reply. + + 1 Old Tom--It is customary in public-houses and gin-shops + in London and its vicinity to exhibit a cask inscribed with + large letters--OLD TOM, intended to indicate the best gin in + the house. + + 2 Munched--Eat. + + 3 Sluiced--Washed. See Sluicery. + + 4 Chops--The mouth. + + 5 Jacky--A vulgar term for gin. + + 6 Any person would almost suspect that Hookey had been + reading the newspapers by this allusion; but that certainly + could not be the case, for, spurning all education in early + life, this representative of the immortal bard--this + character of characters from Shakespeare, could neither read + nor write, but made all he acted, as he said, from his own + head: however, it may fairly be presumed, that in the course + of his travels during the day he had heard something of the + Champion intended to appear at the approaching Coronation, + of whom the following account has recently been circulated + through the daily press, and, with his usual consistency, + conceived his own innate abilities equal to those which + might be acquired by Mr. Dymocke, though his claims were not + equally honourable or advantageous. + + Mr. Dymocke, the nephew of the gentleman (who is a + Clergyman) entitled by hereditary right to do the service of + the Champion to his Majesty, is still in hopes he may be + permitted to act under his Uncle's nomination, although he + wants a few months of being of age. A petition is before the + King on the subject; and Mr. Dymocke, by constant practice + at Astley's Hiding-school, is endeavouring to qualify + himself for the due fulfilment of the office. On Thursday + lie went through his exercise in a heavy suit of armour with + great celerity. The horse which will be rode by the Champion + has been selected from Mr. Astley's troop. It is a fine + animal, pieballed black and white, and is regularly + exercised in the part he will have to perform. + +“Walk in--walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, just going to begin--come, Mr. +Merryman, all ready--Ladies and Gentlemen, please to observe, this here +horse is not that there horse.” + +“So we laugh at John Bull a little.” + +~123~~“Come, then,” continued Sparkle, “another glass--half-a-crown to +ride to the bottom of the lane and up Holboru-hill on that donkey at the +door, and you shall be our Champion.” + +“A bargain--a bargain,” said the assumed Hookey Walker, rubbing the +tallow from his _gills_.{1} + +“Here goes then,” said Sparkle; then slipping half-a-crown into the +boy's hand, desiring him to run as far as the Traveller-office, in +Fleet-street, and get him a newspaper, promising to take care of his +ass till his return. The lad nibbled the bait, and was off in a _pig's +whisper_{2} Sparkle called to Tom and Bob, and putting them up to +his scheme, Hookey was quickly mounted, while Dashall and his Cousin, +assisted by the Hibernian and Dust-ho, succeeded in getting Mother Mapps +out, who was placed in the front of the Champion, astride, with her face +towards him and Limping Billy, who though _beat to a stand still_,{3} +was after some difficulty lifted up behind. Hookey was then supplied +with his board, the pole of which he placed on his foot, in the manner +of a spear or lance. Then giving the Irishman and the Dustman some +silver, to act as Supporters or Esquires, one on each side, they +proceeded along Shoe-lane, preceded by Billy Waters flourishing his +wooden-leg and feathers, and fiddling as he went--the Irishman roaring +out with Stentorian lungs, + + “Sure won't you hear + What roaring cheer + Was spread at Paddy's wedding O, + And how so gay + They spent the day, + From the churching to the bedding O. + First book in hand came Father Quipes, + With the Bride's dadda, the Bailey O, + While all the way to church the pipes + Struck up a jilt so gaily O. + +“_Kim ap_--be after sitting fast in the front there, old Mapps, or +you'll make a mud-lark of yourself.” The Dustman rang his bell; and thus +accompanied with an immense assemblage of boys, girls, men, women, and + + 1 Gills--The mouth. + + 2 Pig's Whisper--A very common term for speed. + + 3 Beat to a dead stand still--Means completely unable to + assist himself. + +~124~~children, collected from all the courts and alleys in the +neighbourhood, joining in a chorus of shouts that rent the air, poor +Balaam continued to bear his load; while our party, after watching them +till nearly out of sight, passed down Harp-alley into Fleet-market,” and +turning to the right, very soon regained Fleet-Street, laughing heartily +at the bull's cookery of mackarel buttered with brick-dust, and very +well satisfied with their spree. + +Engaged in conversation upon this adventure, they found nothing of +interest' or amusement to attract their notice till they arrived at the +warehouse of the London Genuine Tea Company, except merely remarking the +grand appearance of St. Paul's, from that situation. + +“Genuine tea” said Bob; “what can that mean--Is tea any thing but tea?” + +“To be sure it is,” said Sparkle, “or has been--_any_thing but tea,”{l} +strongly marking the latter part of the + + 1 Tea and Coffee--The adulteration of articles of human food + is a practice of the most nefarious description, and cannot + be too strongly deprecated, although it has been carried to + an alarming extent. There is scarcely an article of ordinary + consumption but has been unlawfully adulterated, and in many + cases rendered injurious by the infamous and fraudulent + practice of interested persons. Bread, which is considered + to be the staff of life, and beer and ale the universal + beverage of the people of this country, are known to be + frequently mixed with drugs of the most pernicious quality. + Gin, that favourite and heart-inspiring cordial of the lower + orders of society, that it may have the grip, or the + appearance of being particularly strong, is frequently + adulterated with the decoction of long pepper, or a small + quantity of aqua-fortis, a deadly poison. Sugar has been + known to be mixed with sand; and tobacco, for the public- + houses, undergoes a process for making it strong and + intoxicating; but the recent discovery of the nefarious + practice of adulterating tea and coffee, articles of the + most universal and extensive consumption, deserves + particular reprehension. + + Tea has been adulterated by the introduction of dried sloe + leaves; the practice is not very new, but its extensive + adoption, and the deleterious properties ascribed to them by + physicians, have been, at length, successfully exposed by + the conviction of many of the venders, so, it is hoped, as + to prevent a repetition of the crime. The sloe leaf, though + a spurious commodity when sold as tea, might afford a + harmless vegetable infusion, and be recommended to the poor + and frugal as a cheap succedaneum for the Chinese vegetable. + The establishment of the Genuine Tea Company on Ludgate-hill + originated in the recent discoveries, promising to sell + nothing but the Unadulterated Tea, and it is sincerely to be + hoped has done some good. + +~125~~sentence as he spoke it: “horse-beans have been converted to +coffee, and sloe-leaves have been transformed into tea; hog's lard has +been manufactured for butter; an ingenious gentleman wishes to persuade +us _Periwinkles_{1} are young Lobsters; and another has proposed to +extract sugar, and some say brandy, out of pea-shells! London is the +mart for inventions and discoveries of all kinds, and every one of its +inhabitants appears to have studied something of the art of Legerdemain, +to catch the eye and deceive the senses.” + +“Wonderful!” exclaimed Bob. + +“Not more wonderful than true,” continued Sparkle; “invention is always +on the stretch in London. Here we have cast-iron Bridges{2}--a cast-iron +Sugar-house-- + + 1 Sparkle appears to have been rather sceptical on the + subject of Periwinkles being young Lobsters, though the + opinion is not very new. A gentleman, whose indefatigable + research appears to be deserving of encouragement and + support, has recently issued the following advertisement, + inviting the curious and the learned to inspect the result + of his discoveries, which seems, at least, to warrant + something more than conjecture. + + “J. Cleghorne having in his possession some specimens which + prove, in his opinion, a circumstance before suggested, but + treated by the scientific as a vulgar error, any known + naturalist willing to view them, by noticing by letter, + within a week, may have J. C. attend with his specimens. The + subject is a curious change in the formation of Lobsters + from various species of the Winkle, the Winkle being + considered the larva;. + + The only advantage J. C. desires from the communication is, + the credit of advancing his proofs, and the stimulating + further enquiry.--A line addressed to J. Cleghorne, + Architectural Engraver, No. 19, Chapman-street, Black-road, + Islington, will have immediate attention.” + + It is sincerely to be hoped that proper notice will be taken + of this advertisement, for in times of general scarcity like + the present, such a discovery might be turned to great + national advantage, by the establishment of proper depots + for the cultivation of lobsters, as we have preserves for + game, &c. + + 2 Cast-iron has become an object of general utility. The + Southwark or New London Bridge consists of three arches, the + centre of which is a span of 240 feet, and the other two 210 + feet each; the Vauxhall Bridge consists of nine arches, over + a width of 809 feet; and it is a fact, that a Sugar-house is + building with cast-iron floors, window-frames, and rafters, + to prevent fire. Cast-iron holds fire and resists fire; but + it is probable that all its properties and powers are not + yet discovered, and that we may some day or other witness + the ascension of a cast-iron balloon inflated with steam! + +~126~~coaches running, and barges, packets, and sailing-boats navigated, +by Steam{1}--St. Paul's, as you perceive, without its ball--smoke +burning itself, and money burning men's consciences.” + +“Well done, Sparkle!” cried Tom; “your ideas seem to flow like gas, +touch but the valve and off you go; and you are equally diffusive, for +you throw a light upon all subjects.” + +Bob was now suddenly attracted by a full view of himself and his friends +at the further end of Everington's{2} + + 1 Steam--Here is a subject that evaporates as we approach; + it soars beyond finite comprehension, and appears to be + inexhaustible--every thing is done by it--machinery of every + kind is set in motion by it--a newspaper of the most + extensive circulation in the kingdom is printed by it, and + the paper supplied sheet by sheet to receive the impression. + Tobacco is manufactured, and sausage-meat cut, by steam-- + nay, a celebrated Vender of the latter article had asserted, + that his machinery was in such a state of progressive + improvement, that he had little doubt before long of making + it supply the demands of his customers, and thereby save the + expense of a Shopman; but, it is much to be regretted, his + apparatus made sausage-meat of him before the accomplishment + of his project. + + Considering the increasing, and by some Philosophers almost + overwhelming population of the country at the present + moment, it is certainly an alarming circumstance, that when + employment is so much required, mechanical science should so + completely supersede it to the injury of thousands, + independent of the many who have lost their lives by the + blowing up of steam-engines. It is a malady however which + must be left to our political economists, who will + doubtless at the same time determine which would prove the + most effectual remedy--the recommendation of Mr. Malthus to + condemn the lower orders to celibacy--the Jack Tars to a + good war--or the Ministers to emigration. + + 2 If an estimate of the wealth or poverty of the nation + were to lie formed from the appearance of the houses in the + Metropolis, no one could be induced to believe that the + latter had any existence among us. The splendour and taste + of our streets is indescribable, and the vast improvements + in the West are equally indicative of the former. + + The enormous increase of rents for Shops, particularly in + the leading thoroughfares of London, may in a great measure + be attributed to the Linen-drapers. The usual method + practised by some of these gentry, is to take a shop in the + first-rate situation, pull down the old front, and erect a + new one, regardless of expense, a good outside being + considered the first and indispensable requisite. This is + often effected, either upon credit with a builder, or, if + they have a capital of a few hundreds, it is all exhausted + in external decorations. Goods are obtained upon credit, and + customers procured by puffing advertisements, and exciting + astonishment at the splendid appearance of the front. Thus + the concern is generally carried on till the credit obtained + has expired, and the wonder and novelty of the concern has + evaporated; when the stock is _sold off at 30 per cent, + under prime cost for the benefit of the creditors_! This is + so common an occurrence, that it is scarcely possible to + walk through London any day in the year, without being + attracted by numerous Linen-drapers' shops, whose windows + are decorated with bills, indicating that they are actually + selling off under prime cost, as the premises must be + cleared in a few days. + + The most elegant Shop of this description in the Metropolis + is supposed to be one not a hundred miles from Ludgate-hill, + the front and fitting up of which alone is said to have cost + several thousand pounds. The interior is nearly all of + looking-glass, with gilt mouldings; even the ceiling is + looking-glass, from which is appended splendid cut-glass + chandeliers, which when lighted give to the whole the + brilliance of enchantment; however it is not very easy to + form an idea of what is sold, for, with the exception of a + shawl or two carelessly thrown into the window, there is + nothing to be seen, (the stock being all concealed in + drawers, cupboards, &c. ) except the decorations and the + Dandy Shopmen, who parade up and down in a state of ecstasy + at the reflection of their own pretty persons from every + part of the premises! + + This concealment of the stock has occasioned some laughable + occurrences. It is said that a gentleman from the country + accidentally passing, took it for a looking-glass + manufactory, and went in to inquire the price of a glass. + The Shopmen gathered round him with evident surprise, + assured him of his mistake, and directed him to go to + Blades,{1} lower down the Hill. The Countryman was not + disconcerted, but, after surveying them somewhat minutely, + informed them it was glass he wanted, not cutlery; but as + for blades, he thought there were enow there for one street, + at least. + + Another is said to have been so pleased with a row of + grotesque Indian-China jars, which embellish one side of the + entrance, and which he mistook for _pots de chambre_, that + after returning home and consulting his rib, he sent an + order per post for one of the most elegant pattern to be + forwarded to him! + + There is a similar Shop to this, though on a smaller scale, + to be seen in a great leading thoroughfare at the West end + of the Town; the owner of which, from his swarthy complexion + and extravagant mode of dress, has been denominated The + Black Prince, a name by which he is well known in his own + neighbourhood, and among the gentlemen of the cloth. This + dandy gentleman, who affects the dress and air of a military + officer, has the egregious vanity to boast that the numerous + families of rank and fashion who frequent his shop, are + principally attracted to view his elegant person, and seems + to consider that upon this principally depends the success + of his trade. + + 1 A large Glass-manufacturer. + +128--shop, and without observing the other persons about him, saw +himself surrounded with spectators, unconscious of being in their +company. He look'd up--he look'd down--he gazed around him, and all was +inconceivable light. Tom's allusion to the gas flashed upon him in a +moment--“What--what is this?” said he--“where, in the name of wonder, am +I?” A flash of lightning could not have operated more suddenly upon him. +“Why,” said Sparkle, “don't you see? + +“You are not here, for you are there,” + +pointing to his reflection, in the looking-glass. + +“Egad,” said Bob, under evident surprise, and perhaps not without +some apprehension they were playing tricks with him--“I wish you would +explain--is this a Drawing-room, or is it the _Phantasmagoria_ we have +heard so much of in the country?” + +“No, no, it is not the Phantasmagoria, but it forms a part of +metropolitan magic, which you shall be better acquainted with before we +part. That is no other than a Linen-draper's shop, '_papered_,' as +an Irishman one day remarked, 'vvid nothing at all at all but +looking-glass, my dear '--one of the most superb things of the kind that +perhaps ever was seen--But come, I perceive it is getting late, let us +proceed directly to Dolly's, take our chop, then a _rattler_,{1} and hey +for the Spell.”{2} + +Bob appeared almost to be spell-bound at the moment, and, as they moved +onward, could not help casting + +“One longing, lingering look behind.” + + 1 Rattler--A coach. + + 2 Spell--The Play-house; so denominated from its variety of + attractions, both before and behind the curtain. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + “What various swains our motley walls contain! + Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick-lane; + Bankers from Paper-buildings here resort, + Bankrupts from Golden-square and Riches-court; + From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, + Gulls from the Poultry, sots from Water-lane; + The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, + The full-price master, and the half-price clerk; + Boys, who long linger at the gallery-door, + With pence twice live, they want but twopence more, + Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, + And sends them jumping up the gallery-stairs. + Critics we boast, who ne'er their malice baulk, + But talk their minds--we wish they'd mind their talk; + Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, + Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give; + Jews from St. Mary-Axe, for jobs so wary, + That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary; + And Bucks with pockets empty as their pate, + Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait. + Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues? + Who's that calls “Silence” with such leathern lungs? + He, who, in quest of quiet, “Silence” hoots, + Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes.” + +IN a few minutes they entered Dolly's, from whence, after partaking of a +cheerful repast and an exhilarating glass of wine, a coach conveyed them +to Drury-lane. ', + +“Now,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “I shall introduce you to a new scene +in Real Life, well worth your close observation. We have already taken +a promiscuous ramble from the West towards the East, and it has afforded +some amusement; but our stock is abundant, and many objects of curiosity +are still in view.” + +“Yes, yes,” continued Sparkle, “every day produces novelty; for although +London itself is always the same, the inhabitants assume various forms, +as inclination or necessity may induce or compel. The Charioteer of +~130~~to-day, dashing along with four in hand, may be an inhabitant of +the King's-bench to-morrow, and--but here we are, and Marino Faliero is +the order of the night. The character of its author is so well known, as +to require no observation; but you will be introduced to a great variety +of other characters, both in High and Low Life, of an interesting +nature.” + +By this time they had alighted, and were entering the House. The rapid +succession of carriages arriving with the company, the splendour of the +equipages, the general elegance of the dresses, and the blazing of the +lamps, alternately became objects of attraction to Bob, whose eyes were +kept in constant motion--while “A Bill of the Play for Covent Garden or +Drury Lane,” still resounded in their ears. + +[Illustration: page130 Drury Lane Theatre] + +On arriving at the Box-lobby, Tom, who was well known, was immediately +shewn into the centre box with great politeness by the Box-keeper,{1} +the second scene of the Tragedy being just over. The appearance of the +House was a delicious treat to Bob, whose visual orbs wandered more +among the delighted and delightful faces which surrounded him, than to +the plot or the progress of the performances before him. It was a scene +of splendour of which lie had not the least conception; and Sparkle +perceiving the principal objects of attraction, could not resist the +impulse to deliver, in a sort of half-whisper, the following lines:-- + + “When Woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, + And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, + What need has new Drury of carvers and gilders? + With nature so bounteous, why call upon art? + + 1 The Box-keeper to a public Theatre has many duties to + perform to the public, his employer, and himself; but, + perhaps, in order to be strictly correct, we ought to have + reversed the order in which we have noticed them, since of + the three, the latter appears to be the most important, (at + least) in his consideration; for he takes care before the + commencement of the performance to place one of his + automaton figures on the second row of every box, which + commands a good view of the House, who are merely intended + to sit with their hats off, and to signify that the two + first seats are taken, till the conclusion of the second + act; and so in point of fact they are taken by himself, for + the accommodation of such friends as he is quite aware are + willing to accommodate him with _a quid pro quo_. + + How well would our Actors attend to their duties, + Our House save in oil, and our Authors in wit, + + In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young Beauties + Glanc'd light from their eyes between us and the Pit. + + The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge + By Woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, + + To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College-- + I mean the Love-apples that bloom in the eyes. + + There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling, + Still governs the slaves that are made by the Fair, + + For Man is the pupil who, while her eye's rolling, + Is lifted to rapture, or sunk in despair.” + +~131~~Tallyho eagerly listened to his friend's recitation of lines so +consonant with his own enraptured feelings; while his Cousin Dashall was +holding a conversation in dumb-show with some person at a distance, +who was presently recognized by Sparkle to be Mrs. G----den,{1} a +well-known frequenter of the House. + +“Come,” said he, “I see how it is with Tom--you may rely upon it he +will not stop long where he is, there is other game in view--he has but +little taste for Tragedy fiction, the Realities of Life are the objects +of his regard. + +“Tis a fine Tragedy,” continued he, addressing himself to Tom. + +“Yes--yes,” replied the other, “I dare say it is, but, upon my soul, +I know nothing about it--that is--I have seen it before, and I mean to +read it.” + +“Bless my heart!” said a fat lady in a back seat, “what a noise them +'are gentlemen does make--they talk so loud there 'ant no such thing +as seeing what is said--I wonder they don't make these here boxes more +bigger, for I declare I'm so scrouged I'm all in a--Fanny, did you bring +the rumperella for fear it should rain as we goes home?” + +“Hush, Mother,” said a plump-faced little girl, who sat along side of +her--“don't talk so loud, or otherwise every body will hear you instead +of the Performers, and that would be quite preposterous.” + +“Don't call me _posterous_ Miss; because you have been to school, and +learnt some _edification_, you thinks you are to do as you please with +me.” + + 1 Mrs. G----den, a dashing Cyprian of the first order, well + known in the House, a fine, well-made woman, always ready + for a lark, and generally well togged. + +~132~~This interesting conversation was interrupted by loud +vociferations of Bravo, Bravo, from all parts of the House, as the +drop-scene fell upon the conclusion of the second act. The clapping of +hands, the whistling and noise that ensued for a few minutes, appeared +to astonish Tallyho. “I don't much like my seat,” said Dashall. “No,” + said Sparkle, “I did not much expect you would remain long--you are a +mighty ambitious sort of fellow, and I perceive you have a desire to be +exalted.” + +“I confess the situation, is too confined,” replied Tom--“come, it is +excessively warm here, let us take a turn and catch a little air.” + +The House was crowded in every part; for the announcement of a new +Tragedy from the pen of Lord Byron, particularly under the circumstances +of its introduction to the Stage, against the expressed inclination of +its Author, the + + 1 At an early hour on the evening this Tragedy was first + pro-duced at Drury Lane, Hand-bills were plentifully + distributed through the Theatre, of which the following is a + copy: + + “The public are respectfully informed, that the + representation of Lord Byron's Tragedy, The Doge of Venice, + this evening, takes place in defiance of the injunction from + the Lord Chancellor, which was not applied for until the + remonstrance of the Publisher, at the earnest desire of the + noble Author, had failed in protecting that Drama from its + intrusion on the Stage, for which it was never intended.” + + This announcement had the effect of exciting public + expectation beyond its usual pitch upon such occasions. The + circumstances were somewhat new in the history of the Drama: + the question being, whether a published Flay could be + legally brought on the Stage without the consent, or rather + we should say, in defiance of the Author. “We are not aware + whether this question has been absolutely decided, but this + we do know, that the Piece was performed several nights, and + underwent all the puffing of the adventurous Manager, as + well as all the severity of the Critics. The newspapers of + the day were filled with histories and observations upon it. + No subject engrossed the conversation of the polite and + play-going part of the community but Lord Byron, The Doge of + Venice, and Mr. Elliston. They were all bepraised and + beplastered--exalted and debased--acquitted and condemned; + but it was generally allowed on all hands, that the printed + Tragedy contained many striking beauties, notwithstanding + its alleged resemblance to Venice Preserved. We are, + however, speaking of the acted Tragedy, and the magnanimous + Manager, who with such promptitude produced it in an altered + shape; and having already alluded to the theatrical puffing + so constantly resorted to upon all occasions, we shall drop + the curtain upon the subject, after merely remarking, that + the Times of the same day has been known to contain the + Manager's puff, declaring the piece to have been + received with rapturous applause, in direct opposition + to the Editor's critique, which as unequivocally pronounced + its complete failure! + +~133~~will of its publisher, and the injunction{1} of the Lord +Chancellor, were attractions of no ordinary nature; and + + 1 Injunction--The word injunction implies a great deal, and + has in its sound so much of the terrific, as in many + instances to paralyze exertion on the part of the supposed + offending person or persons. It has been made the instrument + of artful, designing, and malicious persons, aided by + pettifogging or pretended attorneys, to obtain money for + themselves and clients by way of compromise; and in numerous + instances it is well known that fear has been construed into + actual guilt. Injunctions are become so common, that even + penny printsellers have lately issued threats, and promised + actual proceedings, against the venders of articles said to + be copies from their original drawings, and even carried it + so far as to withhold (kind souls!) the execution of their + promises, upon the payment of a 5L. from those who were + easily to be duped, having no inclination to encounter the + glorious uncertainty of the law, or no time to spare for + litigation. We have recently been furnished with a curious + case which occurred in Utopia, where it appears by our + informant, that the laws hold great similarity with our own. + A certain house of considerable respectability had imported + a large quantity of Welsh cheese, which were packed in + wooden boxes, and offered them for sale (a great rarity in + Eutopia) as double Gloucester. + + It is said that two of a trade seldom agree; how far the + adage may apply to Eutopia, will be seen in the sequel. A + tradesman, residing in the next street, a short time after, + received an importation from Gloucester, of the favourite + double production of that place, packed in a similar way, + and (as was very natural for a tradesman to do, at least we + know it is so here,) the latter immediately began to vend + his cheese as the real Double Gloucester. This was an + offence beyond bearing. The High Court of Equity was moved, + similar we suppose to our High Court of Chancery, to + suppress the sale of the latter; but as no proof of + deception could be produced, it was not granted. This only + increased the flame already excited in the breasts of the + first importers; every effort was made use of to find a good + and sufficient excuse to petition the Court again, and at + length they found out one of the craft to swear, that as the + real Gloucester had been imported in boxes of a similar + shape, make, and wood, it was quite evident that the + possessor must have bought similar cheeses, and was imposing + on the public to their great disadvantage, notwithstanding + they could not find a similarity either of taste, smell, or + appearance. In the mean time the real Gloucester cheese + became a general favourite with the inhabit-ants of Utopia, + and upon this, though slender ground, the innocent tradesman + was served with a process, enjoining him not to do that, + which, poor man, he never intended to do; and besides if he + had, the people of that country were not such ignoramuses as + to be so deceived; it was merely to restrain him from + selling his own real double Gloucester as their Welsh + cheeses, purporting, as they did, to be double Gloucester, + or of mixing them together (than which nothing could be + further from his thoughts,) and charging him at the same + time with having sold his cheeses under their name. But the + most curious part of the business was, the real cheeseman + brought the investigation before the Court, cheeses in boxes + were produced, and evidence was brought forward, when, as + the charges alleged could not be substantiated, the + restraint was removed, and the three importers of Welsh + cheese hung their heads, and retired in dudgeon. + +134~~the Hon. Tom availed himself of the circumstance to leave the Box, +though the truth was, there were other attractions of a more enlivening +cast in his view. + +“Come,” said he, “we shall have a better opportunity of seeing the +House, and its decorations, by getting nearer to the curtain; besides, +Ave shall have a bird's-eye view of the company in all quarters, from +the seat of the Gods to the Pit.” + +The influx of company, (it being the time of half-price), and the +rush and confusion which took place in all parts at this moment, were +indescribable. Jumping over boxes and obtaining seats by any means, +regardless of politeness or even of decorum--Bucks and Bloods warm +from the pleasures of the bottle--dashing Belles and flaming Beaux, +squabbling and almost fighting--rendered the amusements before the +curtain of a momentary interest, which appeared to obliterate the +recollection of what they had previously witnessed. In the mean time, +the Gods in the Gallery issued forth an abundant variety of discordant +sounds, from their elevated situation. Growling of bears, grunting of +hogs, braying of donkeys, gobbling of turkeys, hissing of geese, +the catcall, and the loud shrill whistle, were heard in one mingling +concatenation of excellent imitation and undistinguished variety: During +which, Tom led the way to the upper Boxes, where upon arriving, he +was evidently disappointed at not meeting the party who had been +seen occupying a seat on the left side of the House, besides having +sacrificed a front seat, to be now compelled to take one at the very +back part of a side Box, an exchange by no means advantageous for a view +of the performance. However, this was compensated in some degree by a +more extensive prospect round the House; and his eyes were seen moving +in all directions, without seeming to know where to fix, while Sparkle +and Bob were attracted by a fight in the Gallery, between a Soldier and +a Gentleman's Servant in livery, for some supposed ~135~~insult offered +to the companion of the latter, and which promised serious results +from the repeated vociferations of those around them, of “Throw 'em +over--throw 'em over;” while the gifts of the Gods were plentifully +showered down upon the inhabitants of the lower regions in the shape +of orange-peelings, apples, &c. The drawing up of the curtain however +seemed to have some little effect upon the audience, and in a moment the +Babel of tongues was changed into a pretty general cry of “Down--down +in the front--hats off--silence, &c. which at length subsided in every +quarter but the Gallery, where still some mutterings and murmurings were +at intervals to be heard. + + “----one fiddle will + Produce a tiny flourish still.” + +Sparkle could neither see nor hear the performance--Tom was wholly +engaged in observing the company, and Bob alternately straining his neck +to get a view of the Stage, and then towards the noisy inhabitants of +the upper regions. “We dined at the Hummums,” said a finicking little +Gentleman just below him--“Bill, and I, and Harry--drank claret like +fishes--Harry was half-sprung--fell out with a Parson about chopping +logic; you know Harry's father was a butcher, and used to chopping, +so it was all prime--the Parson would'n't be convinced, though Harry +knock'd down his argument with his knuckles on the table, almost hard +enough to split it--it was a bang-up lark--Harry got in a passion, +doff'd his toggery, and was going to show fight--so then the Parson +sneak'd off--Such a bit of gig.'” + +“Silence there, behind.” + +“So then,” continued the Dandy, “we went to the Billiard-rooms, in Fleet +Street, played three games, diddled the Flats, bilk'd the Marker, and +bolted--I say, when did you see Dolly?”{1} + + 1 To the frequenters of Drury-lane Theatre, who occasionally + lounge away a little of their time between the acts in + sipping soda-water, negus, &c. the party here alluded to + cannot but be well known--we mean particularly the laffing- + boys and the lads of the village. We are aware that + fictitious names are assumed or given to the Ladies of + Saloon notoriety, originating in particular circum-stances, + and we have reason to believe that Dolly K----lly has been + so denominated from the propensity she almost invariably + manifests of painting, as remarked particularly by one of + the parties in conversation. + +~136~~“Last night,” replied the other--“she'll be here +presently--d----nd fine girl, arn't she?” + +“Very well,” said the first; “a nice plump face, but then she paints +so d--n--bly, I hate your painted Dollys, give me natural flesh and +blood--Polly H--ward for me.” + +“Gallows Tom{1} will speak to you in plain terms if you trespass there, +my boy; you know he has out-general'd the Captain in that quarter, and +came off victorious, so----” + +“Come,” said Sparkle, “let us adjourn into the Saloon, for, Heaven +knows, it is useless staying here.” And taking their arms, they +immediately left the Box. + +“The theatre,” continued he, “is a sort of enchanted island, where +nothing appears as it really is, nor what it should be. In London, it is +a sort of time-killer, or exchange of looks and smiles. It is frequented +by persons of all degrees and qualities whatsoever. Here Lords come +to laugh and be laughed at--Knights to learn the amorous smirk and +a-la-mode grin, the newest fashion in the cut of his garments, the twist +of his body, and the adjustment of his phiz. + +“This House{2} was built upon a grand and extensive scale, designed and +executed under the inspection of Mr. Benj. Wyatt, the architect, whose +skill was powerfully and liberally aided by an intelligent and public +spirited Committee, of which the late Mr. Whitbread was the Chairman. It +is altogether a master-piece of art, and an ornament to the Metropolis. +You perceive the interior is truly delightful, and the exterior presents +the idea of solidity and security: it affords sitting room for 2810 +persons, that is, 1200 in the Boxes, 850 in the Pit, 480 + + 1 It appears that the adoption of fictitious names is not + wholly confined to the female visitors of these regions of + fashion and folly. Gallows Tom is a character well known, + and is a sort of general friend, at all times full of fun, + fire, and spirit. We have not been able to discover whether + he holds any official situation under government, though it + is generally believed he is safely anchored under the croum, + a stanch friend to the British constitution--probably more + so than to his own. And we should judge from what is to be + inferred from the conversation overheard, that he is the + acknowledged friend of Miss H----d. Capt. T----pe is + supposed to hold a Commission in the Navy, a gay and gallant + frequenter of the Saloon, and, till a short time back, the + chere ami of Miss H----d. + + 2 The building of this Theatre was completed for 112,000L. + Including lamps, furniture, &c. 125,000L.; and including + scent ry, wardrobe, properties, &c. 150,000L. + +~137~~in the Lower Gallery, and 280 in the Upper Gallery. The talents of +the celebrated Mr. Kean (who has recently left us for the shores of the +Atlantic) first blazed forth to astonish the world beneath this roof. +Old Drury immortalized the name of Garrick, and has also established the +fame of Mr. Kean; and the House at the present moment has to boast of a +combination of histrionic{1} talent, rich and excellent.” + +“Come along, come along,” said Tom, interrupting him, “leave these +explanations for another opportunity--here is the Saloon. Now for a peep +at old particulars. There is no seeing nor hearing the Play--I have no +inclination for histories, I am just alive for a bit of gig.” + +On entering the Saloon, Bob was additionally gratified at viewing +the splendour of its decorations. The arched ceiling, the two massy +Corinthian columns of _vera antique_, and the ten corresponding +pilasters on each side, struck him as particularly beautiful, and he was +for some moments lost in contemplation, while his friends Sparkle and +Tom were in immediate request to receive the congratulations of their +acquaintance. + +“Where the d----l have you been to?” was the first question addressed +to Dashall--“rusticating, I suppose, to the serious loss of all polished +society.” + +“You are right in the first part of your reply,” said Tom; “but, as I +conceive, not exactly so in the inference you draw from it.” + +“Modesty, by Jove! well done Dashall, this travelling appears to improve +your manners wonderfully; and I dare say if you had staid away another +month, your old friends would not have known you.” + +This created a laugh among the party, which roused Bob from his reverie, +who, turning round rather hastily, trod with considerable force upon +the gouty toe of an old debauchee in spectacles, who, in the height +of ecstasy, was at that moment entering into a treaty of amity with a +pretty rosy-faced little girl, and chucking her under the + + 1 The names of Elliston, Pope, Johnston, Powell, Dowton, + Munden, Holland, Wallack, Knight, T. Cooke, Oxberry, Smith, + Bromley, &c. are to be found on the male list of Performers, + and it is sincerely to be hoped that of Mr. Kean will not + long be absent. The females are, Mrs. Davison, Mrs. Glover, + Miss Kelly, Mrs. Bland, Mrs. Orger, Mrs. Sparks, Miss + Wilson, Miss Byrne, Miss Cubitt, &c. + +~138~~chin, as a sort of preliminary, to be succeeded by a ratification; +for in all probability gratification was out of the question. However +this might be, the pain occasioned by the sudden movement of Tallyho, +who had not yet learned to trip it lightly along the _mutton walk_,{1} +induced the sufferer to roar out most lustily, a circumstance which +immediately attracted the attention of every one in the room, and in a +moment they were surrounded by a group of lads and lasses. + +[Illustration: page138 Tom and Bob at Drury Lane] + +“Upon my soul, Sir,” stammer'd out Bob, “I beg your pardon, I--I--did +not mean--” + +“Oh! oh! oh!” continued the gouty Amoroso. Mother K----p{2} came +running like lightning with a glass of water; the frail sisterhood +were laughing, nodding, whispering, and winking at each other; while +St----ns,{3} who pick'd up the spectacles the unfortunate victim of +the gout had dropp'd, swore that fellow in the green coat and white +hat ought to be sent to some dancing-school, to learn to step without +kicking people's shins. + +Another declared he was a Johnny-raw,{4} just catched, and what could be +expected. + +Tom, who, however, kept himself alive to the passing occurrences, +stepping up to Bob, was immediately recognized by all around him, and +passing a significant wink, declared it was an accident, and begged to +assist the Old Buck to a seat, which being accomplished, he declared +he had not had his shoe on for a week, but as he found himself able to +walk, he could not resist the temptation of taking a look around him. + +Over a bottle of wine the unpleasant impressions made by this +unfortunate occurrence appeared to be removed. In the mean time, Tom +received a hundred congratulations and salutations; while Sparkle, after +a glass or two, was missing. + +Dashall informed the friends around him, that his Cousin was a pupil of +his, and begged to introduce him + + 1 Mutton Walk--A flash term recently adopted to denominate + the Saloon. + + 2 A well known fruit-woman, who is in constant attendance, + well acquainted with the girls and their protectors, and + ready upon all occasions to give or convey information for + the benefit of both parties. + + 3 St----ns--A very pretty round-faced young lady-bird, of + rather small figure, inclining to be lusty. + + 4 Johnny Raw--A country bumpkin. + +~139~~as a future visitor to this gay scene. This had an instantaneous +effect upon the trading fair ones, who began immediately to throw out +their lures. One declared he had a sweet pretty brooch; another, that +she knew he was a trump by the cut of his jib; a third, that he look'd +like a gentleman, for she liked the make of his mug; a fourth, that his +hat was a very pretty shaped one, although it was of a radical colour; +and while Tom and the ladybird{l} were soothing the pains of the +grey-headed wanton, Bob was as busily employed in handing about the +contents of the bottle. A second and a third succeeded, and it was not +a little astonishing to him that every bottle improved his appearance; +for, though not one of his admirers remained long with him, yet the +absence of one only brought another, equally attracted by his look and +manner: every one declared he was really a gentleman in every respect, +and in the course of their short parley, did not fail to slip a card +into his hand. By this time he began to grow chatty, and was enabled +to rally in turn the observations they made. He swore he lov'd them all +round, and once or twice hummed over, + + “Dear creatures, we can't do without them, + They're all that is sweet and seducing to man, + Looking, sighing about, and about them, + We doat on them--do for them, all that we can.” + +The play being over, brought a considerable influx of company into +the Saloon. The regular covies paired off with their covesses, and the +moving panorama of elegance and fashion presented a scene that was truly +delightful to Bob. + +The Ladybird, who had been so attentive to the gouty customer, now +wished him a good night, for, said she, “There is my friend,{2} and so I +am off.” This seemed only to increase the agony of his already agonized +toe, notwithstanding which he presently toddled off, and was seen no +more for the evening. + +“What's become of Sparkle,” enquired Tom. “Stole away,” was the reply. + +“Tipp'd us the double, has he,” said Dashall. “Well, what think you of +Drury-lane?” + + 1 Lady-bird--A dashing Cyprian. + + 2 The term friend is in constant use among accessible + ladies, and signifies their protector or keeper. + +~140~~“'Tis a very delightful tragedy indeed, but performed in the most +comical manner I ever witnessed in my life.” + +“Pshaw!” said Bob, “very few indeed, except the critics and the plebs, +come here to look at the play; they come to see and be seen.” + +“Egad then,” said Bob, “a great many have been gratified to-night, and +perhaps I have been highly honoured, for every person that has passed me +has complimented me with a stare.” + +“Which of course you did not fail to return?” + +“Certainly not; and upon my soul you have a choice show of fruit here.” + +“Yes,” continued Tom, “London is a sort of hot-house, where fruit is +forced into ripeness by the fostering and liberal sun of Folly, sooner +than it would be, if left to its natural growth. Here however, you +observe nothing but joyful and animated features, while perhaps the +vulture of misery is gnawing at the heart. I could give you histories of +several of these unfortunates,{1} + + + 1 A life of prostitution is a life fraught with too many + miseries to be collected in any moderate compass. The mode + in which they are treated, by parties who live upon the + produce of their infamy, the rude and boisterous, nay, often + brutal manner in which they are used by those with whom they + occasionally associate, and the horrible reflections of + their own minds, are too frequently and too fatally + attempted to be obliterated by recourse to the Bacchanalian + fount. Reason becomes obscured, and all decency and + propriety abandoned. Passion rules predominantly until it + extinguishes itself, and leaves the wretched victim of early + delusion, vitiated both in body and mind, to drag on a + miserable existence, without character, without friends, and + almost without hope. There is unfortunately, however, no + occasion for the exercise of imagination on this subject. + The annals of our police occurrences, furnish too many + examples of actual circumstances, deeply to be deplored; and + we have selected one of a most atrocious kind which recently + took place, and is recorded as follows:-- + + _Prostitution_. + + “An unfortunate girl, apparently about eighteen years of + age, and of the most interesting and handsome person, but + whose attire indicated extreme poverty and distress, applied + to the sitting magistrate, Richard Bimie, Esq. under the + following circum-stances:--It appeared from the statement, + that she had for the last three weeks been living at a house + of ill fame in Exeter-street, Strand, kept by a man named + James Locke: this wretch had exacted the enormous sum of + three guineas per week for her board and lodging, and in + consequence of her not being able to pay the sum due for the + last week, he threatened to strip her of her cloaths, and + turn her naked into the street. This threat he deferred + executing until yesterday morning (having in the mean time + kept her locked up in a dark room, without any covering + whatever,) when in lieu of her cloaths, he gave her the + tattered and loathsome garments she then appeared in, which + were barely sufficient to preserve common decency, and then + brutally turned her into the street. Being thus plunged into + the most abject wretchedness, without money or friends, to + whom she could apply in her present situation, her bodily + strength exhausted by the dissipated life she had led, and + rendered more so by a long abstinence from food; her spirits + broken and overcome by the bitter and humiliating + reflection, that her own guilty conduct debarred her from + flying to the fostering arms of affectionate parents, whom + she had loaded with disgrace and misery; and the now + inevitable exposure of her infamy, it was some time ere her + wandering senses were sufficiently composed to determine + what course she should pursue in the present emergency, when + she thought she could not do better than have recourse to + the justice of her country against the villain Lock, who had + so basely treated her; and after extreme pain and + difficulty, she succeeded in dragging her enfeebled limbs to + the Office. During the detail of the foregoing particulars, + she seemed overwhelmed with shame and remorse, and at times + sobbed so violently as to render her voice inarticulate. Her + piteous case excited the attention and sympathy of all + present; and it was much to the general satisfaction that + Mr. Bimie ordered Humphries, one of the conductors of the + Patrol, to fetch Lock to the Office. On being brought there, + the necessary proceedings were gone into for the purpose of + indicting the house as a common brothel. + + “It was afterwards discovered that this unhappy girl was of + the most respectable parents, and for the last six years had + been residing with her Aunt. About three months ago, some + difference having arisen between them, she absconded, taking + with her only a few shillings, and the clothes she then + wore. The first night of her remaining from home she went to + Drury-lane Theatre, and was there pick'd up by a genteel + woman dressed in black, who having learned her situation, + enticed her to a house in Hart-street, Covent-garden, where + the ruin of the poor girl was finally effected. It was not + until she had immersed herself in vice and folly that she + reflected on her situation, and it was then too late to + retract; and after suffering unheard of miseries, was, in + the short space of three months, reduced to her present + state of wretchedness. + + “The worthy Magistrate ordered that proper care should be + taken of the girl, which was readily undertaken on the part + of the parish. + + “The Prisoner set up a defence, in which he said, a friend + of the girl's owed him 14L. and that he detained her clothes + for it--but was stopped by Mr. Bimie. + + “He at first treated the matter very lightly; but on + perceiving the determination on the part of the parish to + proceed, he offered to give up the things. This however he + was not allowed to do.” + +(who are exercising all their arts to entrap customers) apparently full +of life and vivacity, who perhaps dare not approach ~142~~their homes +without the produce of their successful blandishments. But this is not a +place for moralizing--a truce to Old Care and the Blue Devils--Come on, +my boy, let us take a turn in the Lobby-- + + “Banish sorrow, griefs a folly; + Saturn, bend thy wrinkled brow; + Get thee hence, dull Melancholy, + Mirth and wine invite us now. + + Love displays his mine of treasure, + Comus brings us mirth and song!; + Follow, follow, follow pleasure, + Let us join the jovial throng.” + +Upon this they adjourned to the Lobby, where a repetition of similar +circumstances took place, with only this difference, that Tally ho +having already been seen in the Saloon, and now introduced, leaning upon +the arm of his Cousin, the enticing goddesses of pleasure hung +around them at every step, every one anxious to be foremost in their +assiduities to catch the new-comer's smile; and the odds were almost a +cornucopia to a cabbage-net that Bob would be hook'd. + +Tom was still evidently disappointed, and after pacing the Lobby once or +twice, and whispering Bob to make his observations the subject of future +inquiry, they returned to the Saloon, where Sparkle met them almost out +of breath, declaring he had been hunting them in all parts of the House +for the last half hour. + +Tom laugh'd heartily at this, and complimented Sparkle on the ingenuity +with which he managed his affairs. “But I see how it is,” said he, “and +I naturally suppose you are engaged.” + +“'Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,' and I perceive clearly that +you are only disappointed that you are not engaged--where are all your +_golden_{1} dreams now?” + +“Pshaw! there is no such thing as speaking to you,” said Tom, rather +peevishly, “without feeling a lash like a cart-whip.” + + 1 This was a touch of the satirical which it appears did not + exactly suit the taste of Dashall, as it applied to the + Ladybird who had attracted his attention on entering the + house. + +~143~~“Merely in return,” continued Sparkle, “for the genteel, not to +say gentle manner, in which you handle the horse-whip.” + +“There is something very mulish in all this,” said Bob, interrupting the +conversation, “I don't understand it.” + +“Nor I neither,” said Tom, leaving the arm of his Cousin, and stepping +forward. + +This hasty dismissal of the subject under debate had been occasioned by +the appearance of a Lady, whose arm Tom immediately took upon leaving +that of his cousin, a circumstance which seemed to restore harmony to +all parties. Tallyho and Sparkle soon joined them, and after a few turns +for the purpose of seeing, and being seen, it was proposed to adjourn +to the Oyster-shop directly opposite the front of the Theatre; and with +that view they in a short time departed, but not without an addition of +two other ladies, selected from the numerous frequenters of the Saloon, +most of whom appeared to be well known both to Tom and Sparkle. + +The appearance of the outside was very pleasing--the brilliance of the +lights--the neat and cleanly style in which its contents were displayed +seemed inviting to appetite, and in a very short time a cheerful repast +was served up; while the room was progressively filling with company, +and Mother P----was kept in constant activity. + +Bob was highly gratified with the company, and the manner in which they +were entertained. + +A vast crowd of dashing young Beaux and elegantly dressed Belles, +calling about them for oysters, lobsters, salmon, shrimps, bread +and butter, soda-water, ginger-beer, &c. kept up a sort of running +accompaniment to the general conversation in which they were engaged; +when the mirth and hilarity of the room was for a moment delayed upon +the appearance of a dashing Blade, who seemed as he entered to say to +himself, + +“Plebeians, avaunt! I have altered my plan, Metamorphosed completely, +behold a Fine Man! That is, throughout town I am grown quite the rage, +The meteor of fashion, the Buck of the age.” + +He was dressed in the extreme of fashion, and seemed desirous of +imparting the idea of his great importance to all around him: he had +a light-coloured great-coat with immense mother o' pearl buttons +and double ~144~~capes, Buff or Petersham breeches, and coat of +_sky-blue_,{1} his hat cocked on one side, and stout ground-ashen stick +in his hand. It was plain to be seen that the juice of the grape had +been operative upon the upper story, as he reeled to the further end of +the room, and, calling the attendant, desired her to bring him a bottle +of soda-water, for he was _lushy_,{2} by G----d; then throwing himself +into a box, which he alone occupied, he stretched himself at length on +the seat, and seemed as if he would go to sleep. + +“That (said Sparkle) is a distinguished Member of the Tilbury Club, and +is denominated a Ruffian, a kind of character that gains ground, as to +numbers, over the Exquisite, but he is very different in polish. + + 1 A partiality to these coloured habits is undoubtedly + intended to impress upon the minds of plebeian beholders an + exalted idea of their own consequence, or to prove, perhaps, + that their conceptions are as superior to common ones as the + sky is to the earth. + + 2 The variety of denominations that have at different times + been given to drunkenness forms an admirable specimen of + ingenuity well worthy of remark. The derivation of Lushy, we + believe, is from a very common expression, that a drunken + man votes for Lushington; but perhaps it would be rather + difficult to discover the origin of many terms made use of + to express a jolly good fellow, and no flincher under the + effects of good fellowship. It is said--that he is drunk, + intoxicated, fuddled, muddled, flustered, rocky, reely, + tipsy, merry, half-boosy, top-heavy, chuck-full, cup-sprung, + pot-valiant, maudlin, a little how came you so, groggy, + jolly, rather mightitity, in drink, in his cups, high, in + uubibus, under the table, slew'd, cut, merry, queer, quisby, + sew'd up, over-taken, elevated, cast away, concerned, half- + coek'd, exhilarated, on a merry pin, a little in the suds, + in a quandary, wing'd as wise as Solomon. + +It is also said, that he has business on both sides of the way, got his +little hat on, bung'd his eye, been in the sun, got a spur in his head, +(this is frequently used by brother Jockeys to each other) got a crumb +in his beard, had a little, had enough, got more than he can carry, been +among the Philistines, lost his legs, been in a storm, got his night-cap +on, got his skin full, had a cup too much, had his cold tea, a red eye, +got his dose, a pinch of snuff in his wig, overdone it, taken draps, +taking a lunar, sugar in his eye, had his wig oil'd, that he is diddled, +dish'd and done up. + +He clips the King's English, sees double, reels, heels a little, heels +and sets, shews his hob-nails, looks as if he couldn't help it, takes an +observation, chases geese, loves a drap, and cannot sport a right line, +can't walk a chalk. + +He is as drunk as a piper, drunk as an owl, drunk as David's sow, drunk +as a lord, fuddled as an ape, merry as a grig, happy as a king. + +145~~“In the higher circles, a Ruffian is one of the many +mushroom-productions which the sun of prosperity brings to life. Stout +in general is his appearance, but Dame Nature has done little for him, +and Fortune has spoilt even that little. To resemble his groom and his +coachman is his highest ambition. He is a perfect horseman, a perfect +whip, but takes care never to be a perfect gentleman. His principal +accomplishments are sporting, swaggering, milling, drawing, and +greeking.{1} He takes the ribands in his hands, mounts his box, with +Missus by his side--“All right, ya hip, my hearties”--drives his empty +mail with four prime tits--cuts out a Johnny-raw--shakes his head, and +lolls out his tongue at him; and if he don't break his own neck, gets +safe home after his morning's drive. + +“He is always accompanied by a brace at least of dogs in his morning +visits; and it is not easy to determine on these occasions which is the +most troublesome animal of the two, the biped or the quadruped.” + +This description caused a laugh among the Ladybirds, who thought it +vastly amusing, while it was also listened to with great attention by +Tallyho. + +The Hon. Tom Dashall in the mean time was in close conversation with his +mott{2} in the corner of the Box, and was getting, as Sparkle observed, +“rather nutty{3} in that quarter of the globe.” + +The laugh which concluded Sparkle's account of the Tilbury-club man +roused him from his sleep, and also attracted the attention of Tom and +his inamorata. + +“D----n my eyes,” said the fancy cove, as he rubbed open his +peepers,{4}” am I awake or asleep?--what a h----ll of a light there +is!” + + 1 Greeking--An epithet generally applied to gambling and + gamblers, among the polished hells of society, principally + to be found in and near St. James's: but of this more + hereafter. + + 2 Mott--A blowen, or woman of the town. We know not from + whom or whence the word originated, but we recollect some + lines of an old song in which the term is made use of, viz. + + “When first I saw this flaming Mutt, + 'Twas at the sign of the Pewter Pot; + We call'd for some Purl, and we had it hot, + With Gin and Bitters too.” + + 3 Nutty--Amorous. + + 4 An elegant and expressive term for the eyes. + +~146~~This was followed immediately by the rattling of an engine with +two torches, accompanied by an immense concourse of people following it +at full speed past the window. + +“It is well lit, by Jove,” said the sleeper awake, “where ever it is;” + and with that he tipp'd the _slavey_{1}1 a tanner,{2} and mizzled. + +The noise and confusion outside of the House completely put a stop to +all harmony and comfort within. + +“It must be near us,” said Tom. + +“It is Covent Garden Theatre, in my opinion,” said Sparkle. + +Bob said nothing, but kept looking about him in a sort + +of wild surprise. + +“However,” said Tom, “wherever it is, we must go and have a peep.” + +“You are a very gallant fellow, truly,” said one of the bewitchers--“I +thought--” + +“And so did I,” said Tom--“but 'rest the babe--the time it shall +come'--never mind, we won't be disappointed; but here, (said he) as I +belong to the Tip and Toddle Club, I don't mean to disgrace my calling, +by forgetting my duty.” And slipping a something into her hand, her note +was immediately changed into, + +“Well, I always thought you was a trump, and I likes a man that behaves +like a gentleman.” + +Something of the same kind was going on between the other two, which +proved completely satisfactory. + +“So then, Mr. Author, it seems you have raised a fire to stew the +oysters, and leave your Readers to feast upon the blaze.” + +“Hold for a moment, and be not so testy, and for your satisfaction I can +solemnly promise, that if the oysters are stewed, you shall have good +and sufficient notice of the moment they are to be on table--But, bless +my heart, how the fire rages!--I can neither spare time nor wind to +parley a moment longer--Tom and Bob have already started off with the +velocity of a race-horse, and if I lose them, I should cut but a poor +figure with my Readers afterward. + +“Pray, Sir, can you tell me where the fire is?” 'Really, Sir, I don't +know, but I am told it is somewhere by Whitechapel.' + + 1 Slaveys--Servants of either sex. + + 2 Tanner--A flash term for a sixpence. + +~147~~“Could you inform me Madam, whereabouts the fire is?” + +'Westminster Road, Sir, as I am informed.' “Westminster, and +Whitechapel--some little difference of opinion I find as usual--however, +I have just caught sight of Tom, and he's sure to be on the right scent; +so adieu, Mr. Reader, for the present, and have no doubt but I shall +soon be able to throw further light on the subject.” + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + “Some folks in the streets, by the Lord, made me stare, + So comical, droll, is the dress that they wear, + For the Gentlemen's waists are atop of their backs, + And their large cassock trowsers they tit just like sacks. + Then the Ladies--their dresses are equally queer, + They wear such large bonnets, no face can appear: + It puts me in mind, now don't think I'm a joker, + Of a coal-scuttle stuck on the head of a poker. + In their bonnets they wear of green leaves such a power, + It puts me in mind of a great cauliflower; + And their legs, 1 am sure, must be ready to freeze, + For they wear all their petticoats up to their knees. + They carry large bags full of trinkets and lockets, + 'Cause the fashion is now not to wear any pockets; + “While to keep off the flies, and to hide from beholders, + A large cabbage-net is thrown over their shoulders.” + +~148~~IN a moment all was consternation, confusion, and alarm. The +brilliant light that illuminated the surrounding buildings presented +a scene of dazzling splendour, mingled with sensations of horror +not easily to be described. The rattling of engines, the flashing of +torches, and the shouting of thousands, by whom they were followed and +surrounded, all combined to give lively interest to the circumstance. + +It was quickly ascertained that the dreadful conflagration had taken +place at an extensive Timber-yard, within a very short distance of +the Theatres, situated as it were nearly in the centre, between Covent +Garden and Drury Lane. Men, women, and children, were seen running in +all directions; and report, with his ten thousand tongues, here found an +opportunity for the exercise of them all; assertion and denial followed +each other in rapid succession, while the flames continued to increase. +Our party being thus abruptly disturbed in their anticipated enjoyments, +bade adieu to their Doxies,{1} + + 1 Doxies--A flash term frequently made use of to denominate + ladies of easy virtue. + +~149~~and rushed forward to the spot, where they witnessed the devouring +ravages of the yet unquenched element, consuming with resistless force +all that came in its way. + +“Button up,” said Tom, “and let us keep together, for upon these +occasions, + +“The Scamps,{1} the Pads,{2} the Divers,{3} are all upon the lay.”{4} + +The Flash Molishers,{5} in the vicinity of Drury Lane, were out in +parties, and it was reasonable to suppose, that where there was so much +heat, considerable thirst must also prevail; consequently the Sluiceries +were all in high request, every one of those in the neighbourhood being +able to boast of overflowing Houses, without any imputation upon their +veracity. We say nothing of elegant genteel, or enlightened audiences, +so frequently introduced in the Bills from other houses in the +neighbourhood; even the door-ways were block'd up with the collectors +and imparters of information. Prognostications as to how and where it +began, how it would end, and the property that would be consumed, were +to be met at every corner--Snuffy Tabbies, and Boosy Kids, some giving +way to jocularity, and others indulging in lamentations. + +“Hot, hot, hot, all hot,” said a Black man, as he pushed in and out +among the crowd; with “Hoot awa', the de'il tak your soul, mon, don't +you think we are all hot eneugh?--gin ye bring more hot here I'll crack +your croon--I've been roasting alive for the last half hoor, an' want to +be ganging, but I can't get out.” + +“Hot, hot, hot, all hot, Ladies and Gentlemen,” said the dingy dealer +in delicacies, and almost as soon disappeared among the crowd, where he +found better opportunities for vending his rarities. + +“Lumps of pudding,” said Tom, jerking Tallyho by the arm, “what do you +think of a slice? here's accommodation for you--all hot, ready dress'd, +and well done.” + +“Egad!” said Bob, “I think we shall be well done ourselves presently.” + +“Keep your hands out of my pockets, you lousy beggar,” + + 1 Scamps--Highwaymen. + + 2 Pads--Foot-pads. + + 3 Divers--Pickpockets. + + 4 The Lay--Upon the look-out for opportunities for the + exercise of their profession. + + 5 Flash Molishers--a term given to low Prostitutes. + +~150~~said a tall man standing near them, “or b---- me if I don't mill +you.” + +“You mill me, vhy you don't know how to go about it, Mr. Bully Brag, and +I doesn't care half a farden for you--you go for to say as how I--” + +“Take that, then,” said the other, and gave him a floorer; but he was +prevented from falling by those around him. + +The salute was returned in good earnest, and a random sort of fight +ensued. The accompaniments of this exhibition were the shrieks of the +women, and the shouts of the partisans of each of the Bruisers--the +cries of “Go it, little one--stick to it--tip it him--sarve him +out--ring, ring--give 'em room--foul, foul--fair, fair,” &c.” At this +moment the Firemen, who had been actively engaged in endeavours to +subdue the devouring flames, obtained a supply of water: the engines +were set to work, and the Foreman directed the pipe so as to throw the +water completely into the mob which had collected round them. This had +the desired effect of putting an end to the squabble, and dispersing +a large portion of the multitude, at least to some distance, so as to +leave good and sufficient room for their operations. + +“The Devil take it,” cried Sparkle, “I am drench'd.” + +“Ditto repeated,” said Tom. + +“Curse the fellow,” cried Bob, “I am sopp'd.” + +“Never mind,” continued Tom, + + . . . “By fellowship in woe, + Scarce half our pain we know.” + +“Since we are all in it, there is no laughing allowed.” + +In a short time, the water flowed through the street in torrents; the +pumping of the engines, and the calls of the Firemen, were all +the noises that could be heard, except now and then the arrival of +additional assistance. + +Bob watched minutely the skill and activity of those robust and hardy +men, who were seen in all directions upon the tops of houses, &c. near +the calamitous scene, giving information to those below; and he was +astonished to see the rapidity with which they effected their object. + +Having ascertained as far as they could the extent of the damage, +and that no lives were lost, Tom proposed a move, and Sparkle gladly +seconded the motion--“for,” said he, “I am so wet, though I cannot +complain of being ~151~~cold, that I think I resemble the fat man who +seemed something like two single gentlemen roll'd into one,' and 'who +after half a year's baking declared he had been so cursed hot, he was +sure he'd caught cold;' so come along.” + +“Past twelve o'clock,” said a Charley, about three parts sprung, and +who appeared to have more light in his head than he could shew from his +lantern. + +“Stop thief, stop thief,” was vociferated behind them; and the night +music, the rattles, were in immediate use in several quarters--a rush of +the crowd almost knock'd Bob off his pins, and he would certainly have +fell to the ground, but his nob{l} came with so much force against the +bread-basket{2} of the groggy guardian of the night, that he was turn'd +keel upwards,{3} and rolled with his lantern, staff, and rattle, into +the overflowing kennel; a circumstance which perhaps had really no +bad effect, for in all probability it brought the sober senses of the +Charley a little more into action than the juice of the juniper had +previously allowed. He was dragged from his birth, and his coat, which +was of the blanket kind, brought with it a plentiful supply of the +moistening fluid, being literally sous'd from head to foot. + +Bob fished for the _darkey_{4}--the _musical instrument_{5}--and the +post of honour, alias the _supporter of peace_;{6} but he was not yet +complete, for he had dropped his _canister-cap_,{7} which was at length +found by a flash molisher, and drawn from the pool, full of water, who +appeared to know him, and swore he was one of the best fellows on any of +the beats round about; and that they had got hold of a Fire-prigger,{8} +and bundled{9} him off to St. Giles's watch-house, because he was +bolting with a _bag of togs_. + + 1 Nob--The head. + + 2 Bread-basket--The stomach. + + 3 Keel upwards--Originally a sea phrase, and most in use + among sailors, &c. + + 4 Darkey--Generally made use of to signify a dark lantern. + + 5 Musical instrument--a rattle. + + 6 Post of honour, or supporter of his peace--Stick, or + cudgel. + + 7 “Canister-cap--& hat. + + 8 Fire-prigger--No beast of prey can be more noxious to + society or destitute of feeling than those who plunder the + unfortunate sufferers under that dreadful and destructive + calamity, fire. The tiger who leaps on the unguarded + passenger will fly from the fire, and the traveller shall be + protected by it; while these wretches, who attend on fires, + and rob the unfortunate sufferers under pretence of + coming to give assistance, and assuming the style and manner + of neighbours, take advantage of distress and confusion. + Such wretches have a more eminent claim to the detestation + of society, than almost any other of those who prey upon it. + + 9 Bundled--Took, or conveyed. + +~152~~The feeble old scout shook his dripping wardrobe, d----d the +water and the boosy kid that wallof'd him into it, but without appearing +to know which was him; till Bob stepped up, and passing some silver into +his mawley, told him he hoped he was not hurt. And our party then, moved +on in the direction for Russel-street, Covent-garden, when Sparkle again +mentioned his wet condition, and particularly recommended a glass of +Cogniac by way of preventive from taking cold. “A good motion well made +(said Tom;) and here we are just by the Harp, where we can be fitted to +a shaving; so come along.” + +Having taken this, as Sparkle observed, very necessary precaution, +they pursued their way towards Piccadilly, taking their route under the +Piazzas of Covent-garden, and thence up James-street into Long-acre, +where they were amused by a circumstance of no very uncommon kind in +London, but perfectly new to Tallyho. Two Charleys had in close custody +a sturdy young man (who was surrounded by several others,) and was +taking him to the neighbouring watch-house “What is the matter?” said +Tom. + +“Oh, 'tis only a little bit of a dead body-snatcher,” said one of the +guardians. “He has been up to the resurrection rig.{1} Here,” continued +he, “I've got the bone-basket,” + + 1 Resurrection rig--This subject, though a grave one, has + been treated by many with a degree of comicality calculated + to excite considerable risibility. A late well known + humorist has related the following anecdote: + + Some young men, who had been out upon the spree, returning + home pretty well primed after drinking plentifully, found + themselves so dry as they passed a public house where they + were well known, they could not resist the desire they had + of calling on their old friend, and taking a glass of brandy + with him by way of finish, as they termed it; and finding + the door open, though it was late, were tempted to walk in. + But their old friend was out of temper. “What is the + matter?”--“Matter enough,” replied Boniface; “here have I + got an old fool of a fellow occupying my parlour dead drunk, + and what the devil to do with him I don't know. He can + neither walk nor speak.” + + “Oh,” said one of the party, who knew that a resurrection + Doctor resided in the next street, “I'll remove that + nuisance, if that's all you have to complain of; only lend + me a sack, and I'll sell him.” + + A sack was produced, and the Bacchanalian, who + almost appeared void of animation, was without much + difficulty thrust into it. “Give me a lift,” said the + frolicsome blade, and away he went with the load. On + arriving at the doctor's door, he pulled the night bell, + when the Assistant made his appearance, not un-accustomed to + this sort of nocturnal visitant. + +~153~~holding up a bag, “and it was taken off his shoulder as he went +along Mercer-street, so he can't say nothing at all. + +“I have brought you a subject--all right.” + +“Come in. What is it, a man or a woman?” + +“A man.” + +“Down with him--that corner. D----n it, I was fast asleep. + +“Call for the sack in the morning, will you, for I want to get to bed.” + +“With all my heart.” + +Then going to a drawer, and bringing the customary fee, “Here, (said he) +be quick and be off.” This was exactly what the other wanted; and having +secured the rubbish,{1} the door was shut upon him. This, however, +was no sooner done, than the Boosy Kid in the sack, feeling a sudden +internal turn of the contents of his stomach, which brought with it a +heaving, fell, from the upright situation in which he had been placed, +on the floor. This so alarmed the young Doctor, that he ran with all +speed after the vender, and just coming up to him at the corner of the +street. + +“Why, (said he) you have left me a living man!” + +“Never mind, (replied the other;) kill him when you want him.” And +making good use of his heels he quickly disappeared. + +A Comedian of some celebrity, but who is now too old for theatrical +service, relates a circumstance which occurred to him upon his first +arrival in town:-- + +Having entered into an engagement to appear upon the boards of one of +the London Theatres, he sought the metropolis some short time before the +opening of the House; and conceiving it necessary to his profession +to study life--real life as it is,--he was accustomed to mingle +promiscuously in almost all society. With this view he frequently +entered the tap rooms of the lowest public houses, to enjoy his pipe and +his pint, keeping the main object always in view-- + +“To catch the manners living as they rise.” + +Calling one evening at one of these houses, not far from Drury Lane, he +found some strapping fellows engaged in conversation, interlarded with +much flash and low slang; but decently dressed, he mingled in a sort of +general dialogue with them on the state of the weather, politics, &c. +After sitting some time in their company, and particularly noticing +their persons and apparent character-- + + “Come, Bill, it is time to be off, it is getting rather + darkish.” “Ah, very well (replied the other,) let us have + another quart, and then I am your man for a bit of a lark.” + By this time they had learned that the Comedian was but + newly arrived in town; and he on the other hand was desirous + of seeing what they meant to be up to. After another quart + they were about to move, when, said one to the other, “As we + are only going to have a stroll and a bit of fun, perhaps + that there young man would like to join us.” + + “Ah, what say you, Sir? have you any objection? but perhaps + you have business on hand and are engaged--” + + “No, I have nothing particular to do,” was the reply. “Very + well, then if you like to go with us, we shall be glad of + your company.” + + “Well (said he,) I don't care if I do spend an hour with + you.” And with that they sallied forth. + + After rambling about for some time in the vicinity of + Tottenham Court Road, shewing him some of the Squares, &c. + describing the names of streets, squares, and buildings, + they approached St. Giles's, and leading him under a + gateway, “Stop, (said one) we must call upon Jack, you know, + for old acquaintance sake,” and gave a loud knock at the + door; which being opened without a word, they all walked in, + and the door was instantly lock'd. He was now introduced to + a man of squalid appearance, with whom they all shook hands: + the mode of introduction was not however of so satis-factory + a description as had been expected, being very laconic, and + conveyed in the following language:--“We have got him.” + + “Yes, yes, it is all right--come, Jack, serve us out some + grog, and then to business.” + + The poor Comedian in the mean time was left in the utmost + anxiety and surprise to form an opinion of his situation; + for as he had heard something about trepanning, pressing, + &c. he could not help entertaining serious suspicion that he + should either be com-pelled to serve as a soldier or a + sailor; and as he had no intention “to gain a name in arms,” + they were neither of them suitable to his inclinations. + + “Come,” (said one) walk up stairs and sit down--Jack, bring + the lush “--and up stairs they went. + + Upon entering a gloomy room, somewhat large, with only a + small candle, he had not much opportunity of discovering + what sort of a place it was, though it looked wretched + enough. The grog was brought--“Here's all round the grave- + stone, (said one)--come, drink away, my hearty--don't be + alarm'd, we are rum fellows, and we'll put you up to a rig + or two--we are got a rum covey in the corner there, and you + must lend us a hand to get rid of him:” then, holding up the + light, what was the surprise of the poor Comedian to espy a + dead body of a man--“You can help us to get him away, and + by G----you shall, too, it's of no use to flinch now.” + + A circumstance of this kind was new to him, so that his + perplexity was only increased by the discovery; but he + plainly perceived by the last declaration, that having + engaged in the business, it would be of no use to leave it + half done: he therefore remained silent upon the subject, + drank his grog, when Jack came up stairs to say the cart was + ready. + + “Lend a hand, (said one of them) let us get our load down + stairs--come, my Master, turn to with a good heart, all's + right.” + + With this the body was conveyed down stairs. + + At the back of the house was a small yard separated from a + neighbouring street by a wall--a signal was given by some + one on the other side which was understood by those within-- + it was approaching nine o'clock, and a dark night--“Come, + (said one of them,) mount you to the top of the wall, and + ding the covey over to the carcass-carter.” This being + complied with, the dead body was handed up to him, which was + no sooner done than the Carman outside, perceiving the + Watchman approach--“It von't do,” said he, and giving a + whistle, drove his cart with an assumed air of carelessness + away; while the poor Comedian, who had a new character to + support, in which he did not conceive himself well up,{1} + was holding the dead man on his lap with the legs projecting + over the wall; it was a situation of the utmost delicacy and + there was no time to recast the part, he was therefore, + obliged to blunder through it as well as he could; the + perspiration of the living man fell plentifully on the + features of the dead as the Charley approached in a position + to pass directly under him. Those inside had sought the + shelter of the house, telling him to remain quiet till the + old Scout was gone by. Now although he was not fully + acquainted with the consequences of discovery, he was + willing and anxious to avoid them: he therefore took the + advice, and scarcely moved or breathed--“Past nine o'clock,” + said the Watchman, as he passed under the legs of the dead + body without looking up, though he was within an inch of + having his castor brushed off by them. Being thus relieved, + he was happy to see the cart return; he handed over the + unpleasant burthen, and as quick as possible afterwards + descended from his elevated situation into the street, + determining at all hazards to see the result of this to him + extraordinary adventure; with this view he followed the cart + at a short distance, keeping his eye upon it as he went + along; and in one of the streets leading to Long Acre, he + perceived a man endeavouring to look into the back part of + the cart, but was diverted from his object by one of the men + who had introduced him to the house, while another of the + confederates snatched the body from the cart, and ran with + all speed down another street in an opposite direction. This + movement had attracted the notice of the Watchman, who, + being prompt in his movements, had sprung his rattle. Upon + this, and feeling himself too heavily laden to secure his + retreat, the fellow with the dead man perceiving the gate of + an area open, dropped his burden down the steps, slam'd the + gate after him, and continued to fly, but was stopped at the + end of the street; in the mean time the Charley in pursuit + had knock'd at the door of the house where the stolen goods + (as he supposed) were deposited. + + 1 A cant phrase for money. + + It was kept by an old maiden lady, who, upon discovering the + dead body of a man upon her premises, had fainted in the + Watchman's arms. The detection of the running + Resurrectionist was followed by a walk to the watch-house, + where his companions endeavoured to make it appear that they + had all been dining at Wandsworth together, that he was not + the person against whom the hue and cry had been raised. But + _old Snoosey_{l} said it wouldn't do, and he was therefore + detained to appear before the Magistrate in the morning. The + Comedian, who had minutely watched their proceedings, took + care to be at Bow-street in good time; where he found upon + the affidavits of two of his comrades, who swore they had + dined together at Wandsworth, their pal was liberated. + + 1 The Constable of the night. + +156~~Bob could not very well understand what was the meaning of this +lingo; he was perfectly at a loss to comprehend the terms of deadbody +snatching and the resurrection rig. The crowd increased as they went +along; and as they did not exactly relish their company, Sparkle led. +them across the way, and then proceeded to explain. + +“Why,” said Sparkle, “the custom of dead-body snatching has become +very common in London, and in many cases appears to be winked at by the +Magistrates; for although it is considered a felony in law, it is also +acknowledged in some degree to be necessary for the Surgeons, in +order to have an opportunity of obtaining practical information. It is +however, at the same time, a source of no slight distress to the parents +and friends of the parties who are dragg'd from the peaceful security of +the tomb. The _Resurrection-men_ are generally well rewarded for their +labours by the Surgeons who employ them to procure subjects; they are +for the most part fellows who never stick at trifles, but make a decent +livelihood by moving off, if they can, not only the bodies, but coffins, +shrouds, &c. and are always upon the look-out wherever there is a +funeral--nay, there have been instances in which the bodies have been +dug from their graves within a few hours after being deposited there.” + +“It is a shameful practice,” said Bob, “and ought not to be tolerated, +however; nor can I conceive how, with the apparent vigilance of the +Police, it can be carried on.” + +“Nothing more easy,” said Sparkle, “where the plan is well laid. These +fellows, when they hear a passing-bell toll, skulk about the parish from +ale-house to ale-house, till ~157~~they can learn a proper account of +what the deceased died of, what condition the body is in, &c. with which +account they go to a _Resurrection Doctor_, who agrees for a price, +which is mostly five guineas, for the body of a man, and then bargain +with an Undertaker for the shroud, coffin, &c. which, perhaps with a +little alteration, may serve to run through the whole family.” + +“And is it possible,” said Bob, “that there are persons who will enter +into such bargains?” + +“No doubt of it; nay, there was an instance of a man really selling his +own body to a Surgeon, to be appropriated to his own purposes when dead, +for a certain weekly sum secured to him while living; but in robbing +the church-yards there are always many engaged in the rig--for notice is +generally given that the body will be removed in the night, to which the +Sexton is made privy, and receives the information with as much ease as +he did to have it brought--his price being a guinea for the use of the +_grubbing irons_, adjusting the grave, &c. This system is generally +carried on in little country church-yards within a few miles of London. +A hackney-coach or a cart is ready to receive the stolen property, and +there cannot be a doubt but many of these depredations are attended with +success, the parties escaping with their prey undetected--nay, I know +of an instance that occurred a short time back, of a young man who was +buried at Wesley's Chapel, on which occasion one of the mourners, a +little more wary than the rest, could not help observing two or three +rough fellows in the ground during the ceremony, which aroused his +suspicion that they intended after interment to have the body of his +departed friend; this idea became so strongly rooted in his mind, that +he imparted his suspicions to the remainder of those who had followed +him: himself and another therefore determined if possible to satisfy +themselves upon the point, by returning in the dusk of the evening to +reconnoitre. They accordingly proceeded to the spot, but the gates being +shut, one of them climbed to the top of the wall, where he discovered +the very parties, he had before noticed, in the act of wrenching open +the coffin. Here they are, said he, hard at it, as I expected. But +before he and his friend could get over the wall, the villains +effected their escape, leaving behind them a capacious sack and all the +implements of their infernal trade. They secured the body, had ~158~~it +conveyed home again, and in a few days re-buried it in a place of +greater security.{1} + +Bob was surprised at this description of the _Resurrection-rig_, but was +quickly drawn from his contemplation of the depravity of human nature, +and what he could not help thinking the dirty employments of life, by +a shouting apparently from several voices as they passed the end of +St. Martin's Lane: it came from about eight persons, who appeared to be +journeymen mechanics, with pipes in their mouths, some of them rather +_rorytorious_,{2} who, as they approached, broke altogether into the +following + + SONG.{3} + + “I'm a frolicsome young fellow, I live at my ease, + I work when I like, and I play when I please; + I'm frolicsome, good-natured--I'm happy and free, + And I care not a jot what the world thinks of me. + + With my bottle and glass some hours I pass, + Sometimes with my friend, and sometimes with my lass: + I'm frolicsome, good-natur'd--I'm happy and free, + And I don't care one jot what the world thinks of me. + + By the cares of the nation I'll ne'er be perplex'd, + I'm always good-natur'd, e'en though I am vex'd; + I'm frolicsome, good-humour'd--I'm happy and free, + And I don't care one d----n what the world thinks of me. + + 1 A circumstance very similar to the one here narrated by + Sparkle actually occurred, and can be well authenticated. + + 2 Rorytorious--Noisy. + + 3 This song is not introduced for the elegance of its + composition, but as the Author has actually heard it in the + streets at the flight of night or the peep of day, sung in + full chorus, as plain as the fumes of the pipes and the + hiccups would allow the choristers at those hours to + articulate; and as it is probably the effusion of some + Shopmate in unison with the sentiments of many, it forms + part of Real Life deserving of being recorded in this Work. + + Particular trades have particular songs suitable to the + employment in which they are engaged, which while at work + the whole of the parties will join in. In Spitalfields, + Bethnal-green, &c. principally inhabited by weavers, it is + no uncommon thing to hear twenty or thirty girls singing, + with their shuttles going--The Death of Barbary Allen--There + was an old Astrologer--Mary's Dream, or Death and the Lady; + and we remember a Watch-maker who never objected to hear his + boys sing; but although he was himself a loyal subject, he + declared he could not bear God Save the King; and upon being + ask'd his reason--Why, said he, it is too slow--for as the + time goes, so the fingers move--Give us _Drops of Brandy_, + or _Go to the Devil and Shake Yourself_--then I shall have + some work done. + +~159~~This Song, which was repeated three or four times, was continued +till their arrival at Newport-market, where the Songsters divided: our +party pursued their way through Coventry-street, and arrived without +further adventure or interruption safely at home. Sparkle bade them +adieu, and proceeded to Bond-street; and Tom and Bob sought the repose +of the pillow. + +It is said that “Music hath charms to sooth the savage breast,” and it +cannot but be allowed that the _Yo heave ho_, of our Sailors, or the +sound of a fiddle, contribute much to the speed of weighing anchor. + +It is an indisputable fact that there are few causes which more +decidedly form, or at least there are few evidences which more clearly +indicate, the true character of a nation, than its Songs and Ballads. It +has been observed by the learned Selden, that you may see which way the +wind sets by throwing a straw up into the air, when you cannot make the +same discovery by tossing up a stone or other weighty substance. Thus it +is with Songs and Ballads, respecting the state of public feeling, when +productions of a more elaborate nature fail in their elucidations: so +much so that it is related of a great Statesman, who was fully convinced +of the truth of the observation, that he said, “Give me the making of +the national Ballads, and I care not who frames your Laws.” Every day's +experience tends to prove the power which the _sphere-born_ Sisters of +harmony, voice, and verse, have over the human mind. “I would rather,” + says Mr. Sheridan, “have written Glover's song of 'Hosier's Ghost' than +the Annals of Tacitus.”~160~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis! + Sure such a town as this was never seen; + Mayor, common councilmen, citizens and populace, + Wand'ring from Poplar to Turnham Green. + + Chapels, churches, synagogues, distilleries and county banks-- + Poets, Jews and gentlemen, apothecaries, mountebanks-- + There's Bethlem Hospital, and there the Picture Gallery; + And there's Sadler's Wells, and there the Court of Chancery. + + O such a town, such a wonderful Metropolis, + Sure such a town as this was never seen! + O such a town, and such a heap of carriages, + Sure such a motley group was never seen; + Such a swarm of young and old, of buryings and marriages, + All the world seems occupied in ceaseless din. + + There's the Bench, and there's the Bank--now only take a peep at her-- + And there's Rag Fair, and there the East-London Theatre-- + There's St. James's all so fine, St. Giles's all in tattery, + Where fun and frolic dance the rig from Saturday to Saturday. + O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis, + Sure such a town as this was never seen! + +A SHORT time after this day's ramble, the Hon. Tom Dash all and his +friend Tallyho paid a visit to the celebrated Tattersall's. + +[Illustration: page160 Tattersall's] + +“This,” said Tom, “is a great scene of action at times, and you will +upon some occasions find as much business done here as there is on +'Change; the dealings however are not so fair, though the profits +are larger; and if you observe the characters and the visages of the +visitants, it will be found it is most frequently attended by Turf-Jews +and Greeks.{1} Any man indeed who dabbles in horse-dealing, must, like +a gamester, be either a rook or a pigeon; {2} for horse-dealing is a +species of gambling, in which as many + + 1 Turf-Jews and Greeks--Gamblers at races, trotting- + matches, &c. + + 2 Rooks and Pigeons are frequenters of gaming-houses: the + former signifying the successful adventurer, and the latter + the unfortunate dupe. + +~161~~depredations are committed upon the property of the unwary as in +any other, and every one engaged in it thinks it a meritorious act to +dupe his chapman. Even noblemen and gentlemen, who in other +transactions of life are honest, will make no scruple of cheating you in +horse-dealing: nor is this to be wondered at when we consider that +the Lord and the Baronet take lessons from their grooms, jockeys, or +coachmen, and the nearer approach they can make to the appearance +and manners of their tutors, the fitter the pupils for turf-men, or +gentlemen dealers; for the school in which they learn is of such +a description that dereliction of principle is by no means +surprising--fleecing each other is an every-day practice--every one +looks upon his fellow as a bite, and young men of fashion learn how to +buy and sell, from old whips, jockeys, or rum ostlers, whose practices +have put them up to every thing, and by such ruffian preceptors are +frequently taught to make three quarters or seventy-five per cent, +profit, which is called turning an honest penny. This, though frequently +practised at country fairs, &c. by horse-jobbers, &c. is here executed +with all the dexterity and art imaginable: for instance, you have +a distressed friend whom you know must sell; you commiserate his +situation, and very kindly find all manner of faults with his horse, and +buy it for half its value--you also know a Green-horn and an extravagant +fellow, to whom you sell it for twice its value, and that is the neat +thing. Again, if you have a horse you wish to dispose of, the same +school will afford you instruction how to make the most of him, that is +to say, to conceal his vices and defects, and by proper attention to put +him into condition, to alter his whole appearance by hogging, cropping, +and docking--by patching up his broken knees--blowing gun-powder in his +dim eyes--bishoping, blistering, &c. so as to turn him out in good twig, +scarcely to be known by those who have frequently seen and noticed him: +besides which, at the time of sale one of these gentry will aid and +assist your views by pointing out his recommendations in some such +observations as the following: + +'There's a horse truly good and well made. + +'There's the appearance of a fine woman! broad breast, round hips, and +long neck. + +'There's the countenance, intrepidity, and fire of a lion. + +'There's the eye, joint, and nostril of an ox. + +~162~~'There's the nose, gentleness, and patience of a lamb. + +'There's the strength, constancy, and foot of a mule. + +'There's the hair, head, and leg of a deer. + +'There's the throat, neck, and hearing of a wolf. + +'There's the ear, brush, and trot of a fox. + +'There's the memory, sight, and turning of a serpent. + +'There's the running, suppleness, and innocence of the hare. + +“And if a horse sold for sound wind, limb, and eyesight, with all the +gentleness of a lamb, that a child might ride him with safety, should +afterwards break the purchaser's neck, the seller has nothing to do with +it, provided he has received the _bit_,{1} but laughs at the _do_.{2} +Nay, they will sometimes sell a horse, warranted to go as steady as ever +a horse went in harness, to a friend, assuring him at the same time that +he has not a fault of any kind--that he is good as ever shoved a head +through a horse-collar; and if he should afterwards rear up in the gig, +and overturn the driver into a ditch, shatter the concern to +pieces, spill Ma'am, and kill both her and the child of promise, the +conscientious Horse-dealer has nothing to do with all this: How could +he help it? he sold the horse for a good horse, and a good horse he was. +This is all in the way of fair dealing. Again, if a horse is sold as +sound, and he prove broken-winded, lame, or otherwise, not worth +one fortieth part of the purchase-money, still it is only a piece of +jockeyship--a fair manouvre, affording opportunities of merriment.” + +“A very laudable sort of company,” said Bob. + +“It is rather a mixed one,” replied Tom--“it is indeed a complete +mixture of all conditions, ranks, and orders of society. But let us take +a peep at some of them. Do you observe that stout fellow yonder, with +a stick in his hand? he has been a _Daisy-kicker_, and, by his arts and +contrivances having saved a little money, is now a regular dealer, and +may generally be seen here on selling days.” + +“Daisy-kicker,” said Bob, “I don't comprehend the term.” + +“Then I will explain,” was the reply. “Daisy-kickers are Ostlers +belonging to large inns, who are known to each other by that title, and +you may frequently hear them + + 1 Bit--A cant term for money. + + 2 Do--Any successful endeavour to over-reach another is by + these gentlemen call'd a do, meaning--so and so has been + done. + +~163~~ask--When did you sell your Daisy-kicker or Grogham?--for these +terms are made use of among themselves as cant for a horse. Do you also +observe, he is now in close conversation with a person who he expects +will become a purchaser.” + +“And who is he?” + +“He is no other than a common informer, though in high life; keeps his +carriage, horses, and servants--lives in the first style--he is shortly +to be made a Consul of, and perhaps an Ambassador afterwards. The first +is to all intents and purposes a Lord of Trade, and his Excellency +nothing more than a titled spy, in the same way as a Bailiff is a +follower of the law, and a man out of livery a Knight's companion or a +Nobleman's gentleman.” + +Their attention was at this moment attracted by the appearance of two +persons dressed in the extreme of fashion, who, upon meeting just by +them, caught eagerly hold of each other's hand, and they overheard +the following--'Why, Bill, how am you, my hearty?--where have you +been _trotting your galloper_?--what is you arter?--how's Harry and +Ben?--haven't seen you this blue moon.'{1} + +'All tidy,' was the reply; 'Ben is getting better, and is going to sport +a new curricle, which is now building for him in Long Acre, as soon as +he is recovered.' + +'Why what the devil's the matter with him, eh?' + +'Nothing of any consequence, only he got mill'd a night or two ago about +his blowen--he had one of his ribs broke, sprained his right wrist, and +sports a _painted peeper_{2} upon the occasion, that's all.' + +'Why you know he's no _bad cock_ at the Fancy, and won't put up with any +gammon.' + +'No, but he was lushy, and so he got queer'd--But I say, have you sold +your bay?' + +'No, d----n me, I can't get my price.' + +'Why, what is it you axes?'{3} + +'Only a hundred and thirty--got by Agamemnon. Lord, it's no price at +all--cheap as dirt--But I say, Bill, + + 1 Blue moon--This is usually intended to imply a long time. + + 2 Painted peeper--A black eye. + + 3 Axes--Among the swell lads, and those who affect the + characters of knowing coveys, there is a common practice of + endeavouring to coin new words and new modes of expression, + evidently intended to be thought wit; and this affectation + frequently has the effect of creating a laugh. + +~164~~how do you come on with your grey, and the pie-bald poney?' + +'All right and regular, my boy; matched the poney for a light curricle, +and I swapped{1} the grey for an entire horse--such a rum one--when +will you come and take a peep at him?--all bone, fine shape and action, +figure beyond compare--I made a rare good chop of it.' + +'I'm glad to hear it; I'll make a survey, and take a ride with you the +first leisure day; but I'm full of business, no time to spare--I say, +are, you a dealer?' + +'No, no, it won't do, I lost too much at the Derby--besides, I must go +and drive my Girl out--_Avait, that's the time of day_,{2} my boys--so +good by--But if you should be able to pick up a brace of clever +pointers, a prime spaniel, or a greyhound to match Smut, I'm your +man--buy for me, and all's right--price, you know, is out of the +question, I must have them if they are to be got, so look out--bid and +buy; but mind, nothing but prime will do for me--that's the time of day, +you know, d----n me--so good by--I'm off.' And away he went. + +“Some great sporting character, I suppose,” said Bob--“plenty of money.” + +“No such thing,” said Tom, drawing him on one side--“you will hardly +believe that Bill is nothing more than a Shopman to a Linen-draper, +recently discharged for malpractices; and the other has been a Waiter +at a Tavern, but is now out of place; and they are both upon the +sharp look-out to _gammon the flats_. The former obtains his present +livelihood by gambling--spends the most of his time in playing cards +with _greenhorns_, always to be picked up at low flash houses, at fairs, +races, milling-matches, &c. and is also in the holy keeping of the +cast-off mistress of a nobleman whose family he was formerly in as a +_valet-de-chambre_. The other pretends to teach sparring in the City, +and occasionally has a benefit in the Minories, Duke's Place, and the +Fives Court.” + +“They talk it well, however,” said Bob. + + 1 Swapp'd--Exchanged. + + 2 That's the time of day--That's your sort--that's the + barber--keep moving--what am you arter--what am you up to-- + there never was such times--that's the Dandy--Go along Bob, + &c. are ex-pressions that are frequently made use of by the + people of the Metropolis; and indeed fashion seems almost to + have as much to do with our language as with our dress or + manners. + +~165~~“Words are but wind, many a proud word comes off a weak stomach,” + was the reply; “and you may almost expect not to hear a word of truth in +this place, which may be termed The Sporting Repository--it is the grand +mart for horses and for other fashionable animals--for expensive asses, +and all sorts of sporting-dogs, town-puppies, and second-hand +vehicles. Here bets are made for races and fights--matches are made up +here--bargains are struck, and engagements entered into, with as much +form, regularity, and importance, as the progress of parliamentary +proceedings--points of doubt upon all occasions of jockeyship are +decided here; and no man of fashion can be received into what is termed +polished society, without a knowledge of this place and some of the +visitors. The proceedings however are generally so managed, that the +ostlers, the jockeys, the grooms, and the dealers, come best off, from +a superiority of knowledge and presumed judgment--they have a method of +patching up deep matches to _diddle the dupes_, and to introduce _throws +over, doubles, double doubles_, to ease the heavy pockets of their +burdens. The system of puffing is also as much in use here as among the +Lottery-office Keepers, the Quack Doctors, or the Auctioneers; and +the __Knowing ones, by an understanding amongst each other, sell their +cattle almost for what they please, if it so happens they are not +immediately in want of the _ready_,{1} which, by the way, is an article +too frequently in request--and here honest poverty is often obliged to +sell at any rate, while the rich black-leg takes care only to sell to +a good advantage, making a point at the same time not only to make the +most of his cattle, but also of his friend or acquaintance.” + +“Liberal and patriotic-minded men!” said Bob; “it is a noble Society, +and well worthy of cultivation.” + +“It is fashionable Society, at least,” continued Tom, “and deserving of +observation, for it is fraught with instruction.” + +“I think so, indeed,” was the reply; “but I really begin to suspect that +I shall scarcely have confidence to venture out alone, for there does +not appear to be any part of your wonderful Metropolis but what is +infested with some kind of shark or other.” + +“It is but too true, and it is therefore the more necessary to make +yourself acquainted with them; it is rather a long lesson, but really +deserving of being learnt. You + + 1 The ready--Money. + +~166~~perceive what sort of company you are now in, as far as may be +judged from their appearances; but they are not to be trusted, for I +doubt not but you would form erroneous conclusions from such premises. +The company that assembles here is generally composed of a great variety +of characters--the Idler, the Swindler, the Dandy, the Exquisite, the +full-pursed young Peer, the needy Sharper, the gaudy Pauper, and the +aspiring School-boy, anxious to be thought a dealer and a judge of the +article before him--looking at a horse with an air of importance and +assumed intelligence, bidding with a trembling voice and palpitating +heart, lest it should be knock'd down to him. Do you see that dashing +fellow nearly opposite to us, in the green frock-coat, top-boots, and +spurs?--do you mark how he nourishes his whip, and how familiar he seems +to be with the knowing old covey in brown?” + +“Yes; I suppose he is a dealer.” + +“You are right, he is a dealer, but it is in man's flesh, not horse +flesh: he is a _Bum trap_{1} in search of some friend + + 1 Bum trap--A term pretty generally in use to denominate a + Bailiff or his follower--they are also called Body- + snatchers. The ways and means made use of by these gentry to + make their captions are innumerable: they visit all places, + assume all characters, and try all stratagems, to secure + their friends, in order that they may have an opportunity of + obliging them, which they have a happy facility in doing, + provided the party can _bleed free_.* Among others, the + following are curious facts: + + A Gentleman, who laboured under some peculiar difficulties, + found it desirable for the sake of his health to retire into + the country, where he secluded himself pretty closely from + the vigilant anxieties of his friends, who were in search of + him and had made several fruitless attempts to obtain an + interview. The Traps having ascertained the place of his + retreat, from which it appeared that nothing but stratagem + could draw him, a knowing old snatch determined to effect + his purpose, and succeeded in the following manner: + + One day as the Gentleman came to his window, he discovered a + man, seemingly in great agitation, passing and re-passing; + at length, however, he stopped suddenly, and with a great + deal of attention fixed his eyes upon a tree which stood + nearly opposite to the window. In a few minutes he returned + to it, pulled out a book, in which he read for a few + minutes, and then drew forth a rope from his pocket, with + which he suspended himself from the tree. The Gentleman, + eager to save the life of a fellow-creature, ran out and cut + him down. This was scarcely accomplished, before he found + the man whom he had rescued (as he thought) from death, + slapp'd him on the shoulder, informed him that he was his + prisoner, and in return robbed him of his liberty! + + Another of these gentry assumed the character of a poor + cripple, and stationed himself as a beggar, sweeping the + crossing near the habitation of his shy cock, who, + conceiving himself safe after three days voluntary + imprisonment, was seized by the supposed Beggar, who threw + away his broom to secure his man. + + Yet, notwithstanding the many artifices to which this + profession is obliged to conform itself, it must be + acknowledged there are many of them who have hearts that + would do honour to more exalted situations; especially when + we reflect, that in general, whatever illiberality or + invective may be cast upon them, they rarely if at all + oppress those who are in their custody, and that they + frequently endeavour to compromise for the Debtor, or at + least recommend the Creditor to accept of those terms which + can be complied with. + + * Bleed free-- + +~167~~or other, with a writ in his pocket. These fellows have some +protean qualities about them, and, as occasion requires, assume all +shapes for the purpose of taking care of their customers; they are +however a sort of necessary evil. The old one in brown is a well-known +dealer, a deep old file, and knows every one around him--he is up to the +sharps, down upon the flats, and not to be done. But in looking round +you may perceive men booted and spurred, who perhaps never crossed +a horse, and some with whips in their hands who deserve it on their +backs--they hum lively airs, whistle and strut about with their +quizzing-glasses in their hands, playing a tattoo upon their boots, and +shewing themselves off with as many airs as if they were real actors +engaged in the farce, that is to say, the buyers and sellers; when in +truth they are nothing but loungers in search of employment, who +may perhaps have to count the trees in the Park for a dinner without +satisfying the cravings of nature, dining as it is termed with Duke +Humphrey--others, perhaps, who have arrived in safety, are almost afraid +to venture into the streets again, lest they should encounter those foes +to liberty, John Doe and Richard Roe.” + +'If I do, may I be----' The remainder of the sentence was lost, by the +speaker removing in conversation with another, when Tom turn'd round. + +“O,” said Tom, “I thought I knew who it was--that is one of the greatest +reprobates in conversation that I ever met with.” + +“And who is he?” + +“Why, I'll give you a brief sketch of him,” continued Dashall: “It is +said, and I fancy pretty well known, ~168~~that he has retired upon a +small property, how acquired or accumulated I cannot say; but he has +married a Bar-maid of very beautiful features and elegant form: having +been brought up to the bar, she is not unaccustomed to confinement; but +he has made her an absolute prisoner, for he shuts her up as closely as +if she were in a monastery--he never dines at home, and she is left in +complete solitude. He thinks his game all safe, but she has sometimes +escaped the vigilance of her gaoler, and has been seen at places distant +from home.{1} + + 1 It is related of this gentleman, whose severity and + vigilance were so harshly spoken of, that one day at table, + a dashing young Military Officer, who, while he was + circulating the bottle, was boasting among his dissipated + friends of his dexterity in conducting the wars of Venus, + that he had a short time back met one of the most lovely + creatures he ever saw, in the King's Road; but he had + learned that her husband so strictly confined and watched + her, that there was no possibility of his being admitted to + her at any hour. + + “Behave handsome, and I'll put you in possession of a gun + that shall bring the game down in spite of locks, bolts and + bars, or even the vigilance of the eyes of Argus himself.” + + “How? d----me if I don't stand a ten pound note.” + + “How! why easy enough; I've a plan that cannot but succeed-- + down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme.” + + No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound + note. + + “Now,” said the hoary old sinner, little suspecting that he + was to be the dupe of his own artifice: “You get the husband + invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your + friends: You assume the dress of a Postman--give a + thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the + arrival of some important visitor or official communication; + and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her + company is necessary to your existence--that life is a + burden without her--tell her, you know her husband is + engaged, and can't come--that he is dining out with some + jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours--fall + at her feet, and say that, having obtained the interview, + you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must + be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way + to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is plann'd, + the day's your own.” + + “Bravo, bravo!” echoed from every one present. + + It was a high thing--the breach thus made, the horn-work was + soon to be carried, and there could be no doubt of a safe + lodgement in the covert-way. + + The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in + Chelsea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry + particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c. + he acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were + agreed upon, and it was deter-mined that the maid-servant, + who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be + dispatched to some house in the neighbour-hood to procure + change, while the man of letters was to be let in and + concealed; and upon her return it was to be stated that the + Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call + again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder + from the window as soon as the old one should be heard upon + the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a + late hour, when he was drunk. + + The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance dined out, + and expected to meet the Colonel; but being disappointed, + and suspicious at all times, for + + “Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,” + + The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved + ineffectual; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could + not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that + some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be + played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired + early. + + His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was + fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest + the servant's suspicions should be aroused. In the mean + time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained + no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very + late hour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and + annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door, + and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first + slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric + matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he + entered the apartment; when, what was the surprise and + astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their + situation! + + The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he + would have satisfaction! that he would commence a civil + suit! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by + half, and was in fact more than he expected;--reminded him + of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting + his amours;--informed him he had performed the character + recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost + choked with rage; but perceiving he had spread a snare for + himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, while the lover + bolted, wishing him a good night, and singing, “Locks, + bolts, and bars, I defy you,” as an admirable lesson in + return for the blustering manner in which he had received + information of the success of his own scheme. + +“Mr. C---- on the opposite side is a Money-procurer or lender, a very +accommodating sort of person, who négociâtes meetings and engagements +between young borrowers, who care not what they pay for money, and old +lenders, who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interest +for their loans. He is a venerable looking man, and is known to most +of the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in a +certain kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, and +was taken particular notice of by Lord G----, ~170~~and indeed by all +the turf. He lived a gay and fashionable life, soon run out his fortune, +and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. He is an +excellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjects +his advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among the +generality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At the +same time it ought to be observed, that among the various characters +which infest and injure society, perhaps there are few more practised in +guilt, fraud, and deceit, than the Money-lenders. + +“They advertise to procure large sums of money to assist those under +pecuniary embarrassment. They generally reside in obscure situations, +and are to be found by anonymous signatures, such as A. B. I. R. D. V. +&c. They chiefly prey upon young men of property, who have lost their +money at play, horse-racing, betting, &c. or other expensive amusements, +and are obliged to raise more upon any terms until their rents or +incomes become payable: or such as have fortunes in prospect, as being +heirs apparent to estates, but who require assistance in the mean time. + +“These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimate +responsibility of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in his +eager pursuit of criminal pleasures, and under the influence of those +allurements, which the various places of fashionable resort hold out; +and seldom fail to obtain from them securities and obligations for large +sums; upon the credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usurious +interest, to borrow money or discount bills, and thus supply their +unfortunate customers upon the most extravagant terms. + +“There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds, +title-deeds, and other specialties, or tipon the bond of the parties +having property in reversion. By these and other devices, large sums of +money are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipated +and the thoughtless; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed upon +them as long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utter +ruin to acts of desperation or the commission of crimes. + +“It generally happens upon application to the advertising party, that +he, like Moses in _The School for Scandal_, is not really in possession +of any money himself, but then he knows where and how to procure it from +a very ~171~~unconscionable dog, who may, perhaps, not be satisfied with +the security ottered; yet, if you have Bills at any reasonable date, he +could get them discounted. If you should suffer yourself to be trick'd +out of any Bills, he will contrive, in some way or other, to negotiate +them--not, as he professes, for you, but for himself and his colleagues; +and, very likely, after you have been at the additional expense of +commencing a suit at law against them, they have disappeared, and are +in the King's Bench or the Fleet, waiting there to defraud you of +every hope and expectation, by obtaining their liberty through the +White-washing Act. + +“These gentry are for the most part Attorneys or Pettifoggers, or +closely connected with such; and notwithstanding all legal provisions +to preclude them from exacting large sums, either for their agency and +introduction, or for the bonds which they draw, yet they contrive to +bring themselves home, and escape detection, by some such means as the +following: + +“They pretend that it is necessary to have a deed drawn up to explain +the uses of the Annuity-bond, which the grantor of the money, who is +some usurious villain, immediately acknowledges and accedes to; for + +“The bond that signs the mortgage pays the shot; so that an Act which +is fraught with the best purposes for the protection of the honest, but +unfortunate, is in this manner subjected to the grossest chicanery of +pettifoggers and pretenders, and the vilest evasions of quirking low +villains of the law. + +“There is also another species of money-lender, not inaptly termed +the Female Banker. These accommodate Barrow-women and others, who sell +fruit, vegetables, &c. in the public streets, with five shillings a day +(the usual diurnal stock in such cases;) for the use of which for twelve +hours they obtain the moderate premium of sixpence when the money is +returned in the evening, receiving at this rate about seven pounds +ten shillings per year for every five pounds they can so employ. It is +however very difficult to convince the borrowers of the correctness +of this calculation, and of the serious loss to which they subject +themselves by a continuation of the system, since it is evident that +this improvident and dissolute class of people have no other idea +than that of making the day and the way alike long. Their profits +~172~~(often considerably augmented by dealing in base money as well as +the articles which they sell) seldom last over the day; for they never +fail to have a luxurious dinner and a hot supper, with a plentiful +supply of gin and porter: looking in general no farther than to keep the +whole original stock with the sixpence interest, which is paid over +to the female Banker in the evening, and a new loan obtained on the +following morning to go to market, and to be disposed of in the same +way. + +“In contemplating this curious system of banking, or money lending +(trifling as it may appear,) it is almost impossible not to be forcibly +struck with the immense profits that are derived from it. It is only +necessary for one of these sharpers to possess a capital of seventy +shillings, or three pounds ten shillings, with fourteen steady and +regular customers, in order to realize an income of one hundred guineas +per year! So true it is, that one half of the world do not know how +the other half live; for there are thousands who cannot have the least +conception of the existence of such facts. + +“Here comes a _Buck of the first cut_, one who pretends to know every +thing and every body, but thinks of nobody but himself, and of that self +in reality knows nothing. + +Captain P----is acknowledged by all his acquaintance to be one of the +best fellows in the world, and to beat every one at slang, but U----y +and A----se. He is the terror of the Charleys, and of the poor +unfortunate roofless nightly wanderers in the streets. You perceive his +long white hair, and by no means engaging features. Yet he has vanity +enough to think himself handsome, and that he is taken notice of on +that account; when the attractions he presents are really such as excite +wonder and surprise, mingled with disgust; yet he contemplates his +figure in the looking-glass with self satisfaction, and asks the +frail ones, with a tremulous voice, if, so help them----he is not a +good-looking fellow 1 and they, knowing their customer, of course do not +fail to reply in the affirmative. + +“He is a well known leg, and is no doubt present on this occasion to +bet upon the ensuing Epsom races; by the bye his losses have been very +considerable in that way. He has also at all times been a dupe to the +sex. It is said that Susan B----, a dashing Cyprian, eased his purse +of a £500 bill, and whilst he was dancing in pursuit of her, she was +dancing to the tune of a Fife; a clear proof she ~173~~had an ear for +music as well as an eye to business. But I believe it was played in a +different Key to what he expected; whether it was a minor Key or not I +cannot exactly say. + +“At a ball or assembly he conceives himself quite at home, satisfied +that he is the admiration of the whole of the company present; and were +he to give an account of himself, it would most likely be in substance +nearly as follows: + +“When I enter the room, what a whisp'ring is heard; My rivals, +astonish'd, scarce utter a word; “How charming! (cry all; ) how +enchanting a fellow! How neat are those small-clothes, how killingly +yellow. Not for worlds would I honour these plebs with a smile, Tho' +bursting with pride and delight all the while; So I turn to my cronies +(a much honour'd few,); Crying, “S--z--m, how goes it?--Ah, Duchess, +how do? Ton my life, yonder's B--uf, and Br--ke, and A--g--le, S-ff--d, +W--tm--1--d, L--n, and old codger C--ri--le.” Now tho', from this style +of address, it appears That these folks I have known for at least fifty +years, The fact is, my friends, that I scarcely know one, A mere “façon +de parler,” the way of the ton. What tho' they dislike it, I answer my +ends, Country gentlemen stare, and suppose them my friends. + +But my beautiful taste (as indeed you will guess) Is manifest most in my +toilet and dress; My neckcloth of course forms my principal care, For +by that we criterions of elegance swear, And costs me each morning some +hours of flurry, To make it appear to be tied in a hurry. My boot-tops, +those unerring marks of a blade, With Champagne are polish'd, and peach +marmalade; And a violet coat, closely copied from B--ng, With a +cluster of seals, and a large diamond ring; And troisièmes of buckskin, +bewitchingly large, Give the finishing stroke to the “_parfait +ouvrage_.” + +During this animated description of the gay personage alluded to, Bob +had listened with the most undeviating attention, keeping his eye all +the time on this extravagant piece of elegance and fashion, but could +not help bursting into an immoderate fit of laughter at its conclusion. +In the mean time the crowd of visitors had continued to increase; all +appeared to be bustle and confusion; small parties were seen in groups +communicating together in different places, and every face appeared +to be animated by hopes or fears. Dashall was exchanging familiar +~174~~nods and winks with those whom lie knew; but as their object was +not to buy, they paid but little attention to the sales of the day, +rather contenting themselves with a view of the human cattle by which +they were surrounded, when they were pleasingly surprised to observe +their friend Sparkle enter, booted and spurred. + +“Just the thing! (said Sparkle,) I had some suspicion of finding you +here. Are you buyers? Does your Cousin want a horse, an ass, or a +filly?” + +Tom smiled; “Always upon the ramble, eh, Sparkle. Why ask such +questions? You know we are well horsed; but I suppose if the truth was +known, you are _prad_ sellers; if so, shew your article, and name your +price.” + +“Apropos,” said Sparkle; “Here is a friend of mine, to whom I must +introduce you, so say no more about articles and prices--I have an +article in view above all price--excuse me.” And with this he made his +way among the tribe of Jockeys, Sharpers, and Blacklegs, and in a minute +returned, bringing with him a well-dressed young man, whose manners and +appearance indicated the Gentleman, and whose company was considered by +Tom and his Cousin as a valuable acquisition. + +“Mr. Richard Mortimer,” said Sparkle, as he introduced his friend--“the +Hon. Mr. Dashall, and Mr. Robert Tallyho.” + +After the mutual interchanges of politeness which naturally succeeded +this introduction--“Come,” said Sparkle, “we are horsed, and our nags +waiting--we are for a ride, which way do you bend your course?” + +“A lucky meeting,” replied Tom; “for we are upon the same scent; I +expect my curricle at Hyde-Park Corner in ten minutes, and have no +particular line of destination.” + +“Good,” said Sparkle; “then we may hope to have your company; and how +disposed for the evening?” + +“Even as chance may direct.” + +“Good, again--all right--then as you are neither buyers nor sellers, +let us employ the remaining ten minutes in looking around us--there +is nothing to attract here--Epsom Races are all the talk, and all of +business that is doing--come along, let us walk through the Park--let +the horses meet us at Kensington Gate, and then for a twist among the +briers and brambles.” + +This was readily agreed to: orders were given to the servants, and the +party proceeded towards the Park.~175~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + What is Bon Ton? Oh d---- me (cries a Buck, + Half drunk, ) ask me, my dear, and you're in luck: + Bon Ton's to swear, break windows, beat the Watch, + Pick up a wench, drink healths, and roar a catch. + Keep it up, keep it up! d---- me, take your swing-- + Bon Ton is Life, my boy! Bon Ton's the thing! + “Ah, I loves Life and all the joys it yields-- + (Says Madam Fussock. warm from Spitalfields; ) + Bon Ton's the space 'twixt Saturday and Monday, + And riding out in one-horse shay o' Sunday; + 'Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons + At Bagnigge Wells, with china and gilt spoons; + 'Tis laying by our stuffs, red cloaks and pattens, + To dance cowtillions all in silks and satins.” + “Vulgar! (cries Miss) observe in higher Life + The feather'd spinster and three feather'd wife; + The Club's Bon Ton--Bon Ton's a constant trade + Of rout, festino, ball and masquerade; + 'Tis plays and puppet shows--'tis something new-- + 'Tis losing thousands every night at loo; + Nature it thwarts, and contradicts all reason; + 'Tis stiff French stays, and fruit when out of season, + A rose, when half a guinea is the price; + A set of bays scarce bigger than six mice; + To visit friends you never wish to see-- + Marriage 'twixt those who never can agree; + Old dowagers, dress'd, painted, patch'd and curl'd-- + This is Bon Ton, and this we call the World! + +AS they passed through the gate, Tom observed it was rather too early to +expect much company. “Never mind,” said Sparkle, “we are company enough +among ourselves; the morning is fine, the curricle not arrived, and we +shall find plenty of conversation, if we do not discover interesting +character, to diversify our promenade. Travelling spoils conversation, +unless you are squeezed like an Egyptian mummy into a stage or a +mail-coach; and perhaps in that case you may meet with animals who have +voices, without possessing the power of intellect to direct them to any +useful or agreeable purpose.” + +~176~~Tallyho, who was at all times delighted with Sparkle's +descriptions of society and manners, appeared pleased with the +proposition. + +“Your absence from town,” continued Sparkle, addressing himself to +Dashall, “has prevented my introduction of Mr. Mortimer before, though +you have heard me mention his Sister. They are now inhabitants of our +own sphere of action, and I trust we shall all become better known to +each other.” + +This piece of information appeared to be truly acceptable to all +parties. Young Mortimer was a good-looking and well made young man; his +features were animated and intelligent; his manners polished, though +not quite so unrestrained as those which are to be acquired by an +acquaintance with metropolitan associations. + +“I am happy,” said he, “to be introduced to any friends of your's, and +shall be proud to number them among mine.” + +“You may,” replied Sparkle, “with great safety place them on your list; +though you know I have already made it appear to you that friendship is +a term more generally made use of than understood in London-- + + “For what is Friendship but a name, + A charm which lulls to sleep, + A shade that follows wealth and fame, + And leaves the wretch to weep? + + And Love is still an emptier sound, + The modern fair one's jest; + On earth unseen, or only found + To warm the turtle's nest.” + +“These sentiments are excellently expressed,” said Tom, pinching him by +the arm--“and I suppose in perfect consonance with your own?” + +Sparkle felt 'the rebuke, look'd down, and seem'd confused; but in a +moment recovering himself, + +“Not exactly so,” replied he; “but then you know, and I don't +mind confessing it among friends, though you are aware it is very +unfashionable to acknowledge the existence of any thing of the kind, I +am a pupil of nature.” + +“You seem to be in a serious humour all at once,” said young Mortimer. + +~177~~“Can't help it,” continued Sparkle--“for, + + “Let them all say what they will, + Nature will be nature still.” + +“And that usurper, or I should rather say, would be usurper, Fashion, +is in no way in alliance with our natures. I remember the old Duchess of +Marlborough used to say 'That to love some persons very much, and to +see often those we love, is the greatest happiness I can enjoy;' but +it appears almost impossible for any person in London to secure such an +enjoyment, and I can't help feeling it.” + +By the look and manner with which this last sentiment was uttered, Tom +plainly discovered there was a something labouring at his heart which +prompted it. “Moralizing!” said he. “Ah, Charley, you are a happy +fellow. I never yet knew one who could so rapidly change '_from grave to +gay, from lively to severe_; and for the benefit of our friends, I can't +help thinking you could further elucidate the very subject you have so +feelingly introduced.” + +“You are a quiz” said Sparkle; “but there is one thing to be said, +I know you, and have no great objection to your hits now and then, +provided they are not knock down blows.” + +“But,” said Mortimer, “what has this to do with friendship and love? I +thought you were going to give something like a London definition of the +terms.” + +“Why,” said Sparkle, “in London it is equally difficult to get to love +any body very much, or often to meet those that we love. There are such +numbers of acquaintances, such a constant succession of engagements of +one sort or other, such a round of delights, that the town resembles +Vauxhall, where the nearest and dearest friends may walk round and round +all night without once meeting: for instance, at dinner you should see a +person whose manners and conversation are agreeable and pleasing to you; +you may wish in vain to become more intimate, for the chance is, that +you will not meet so as to converse a second time for many months; +for no one can tell when the dice-box of society may turn up the same +numbers again. I do not mean to infer that you may not barely see the +same features again; it is possible that you may catch a glimpse of them +on the opposite side of Pall ~178~~Mall or Bond-street, or see them near +to you at a crowded rout, without a possibility of approaching. + +“It is from this cause, that those who live in London are so totally +indifferent to each other; the waves follow so quick, that every vacancy +is immediately filled up, and the want is not perceived. The well-bred +civility of modern times, and the example of some 'very popular people,' +it is true, have introduced a shaking of hands, a pretended warmth, a +dissembled cordiality, into the manners of the cold and warm, alike +the dear friend and the acquaintance of yesterday. Consequently we +continually hear such conversation as the following:--' Ah, how d'ye do? +I'm delighted to see you! How is Mrs. M----?' + +'She's very well, thank you.' 'Has she any increase in family?' 'Any +increase! why I've only been married three months. I see you are talking +of my former wife: bless you, she has been dead these three years.'--Or, +'Ah, my dear friend, how d'ye do? You have been out of town some time; +where have you been? In Norfolk?' 'No, I have been two years in India.'” + +This description of a friendly salutation appeared to interest and +amuse both Talltho and Mortimer. Tom laughed, shrugg'd up his shoulders, +acknowledged the picture was too true, and Sparkle continued. + +“And thus it is, that, ignorant of one another's interests and +occupations, the generality of friendships of London contain nothing +more tender than a visiting card: nor are they much better, indeed they +are much worse, if you renounce the world, and determine to live only +with your relations and nearest connexions; for if you go to see them +at one o'clock, they are not stirring; at two, the room is full of +different acquaintances, who talk over the occurrences of the last +night's ball, and, of course, are paid more attention to than yourself; +at three, they are out shopping; at four, they are in this place dashing +among the Pinks, from which they do not return till seven, then they are +dressing; at eight, they are dining with two dozen friends; at nine and +ten the same; at eleven, they are dressing for the ball; and at twelve, +when you are retiring to rest, they are gone into society for the +evening: so that you are left in solitude; you soon begin again to try +the world--and we will endeavour to discover what it produces. + +“The first inconvenience of a London Life is the late ~179~~hour of a +fashionable dinner. To pass the day in fasting, and then sit down to a +great dinner at eight o'clock, is entirely against the first dictates of +common sense and common stomachs. But what is to be done? he who rails +against the fashion of the times will be considered a most unfashionable +dog, and perhaps I have already said more than sufficient to entitle me +to that appellation.” + +“Don't turn _King's Evidence_ against yourself,” said Tom; “for, if you +plead guilty in this happy country, you must be tried by your Peers.” + +“Nay,” said Mortimer, “while fashion and reason appear to be in such +direct opposition to each other, I must confess their merits deserve +to be impartially tried; though I cannot, for one moment, doubt but the +latter must ultimately prevail with the generality, however her dictates +may be disregarded by the votaries of the former.” + +“You are a good one at a ramble” said Tom, “and not a bad one in a +spree, but I cannot help thinking you are rambling out of your road; +you seem to have lost the thread of your subject, and, having been +disappointed with love and friendship, you are just going to sit down to +dinner.” + +“Pardon me,” replied Sparkle, “I was proceeding naturally, and not +fashionably, to my subject; but I know you are so great an admirer of +the latter, that you care but little about the former.” + +“Hit for hit,” said Tom; “but go on--you are certainly growing old, +Sparkle; at all events, you appear very grave this morning, and if +you continue in this humour long, I shall expect you are about taking +Orders.” + +“There is a time for all things, but the time for that has not yet +arrived.” + +“Well, then, proceed without sermonizing.” + +“I don't like to be interrupted,” replied Sparkle; “and there is yet +much to be said on the subject. I find there are many difficulties +to encounter in contending with the fashionable customs. Some learned +persons have endeavoured to support the practice of late dinners by +precedent, and quoted the Roman supper; but it ought to be recollected +that those suppers were at three o'clock in the afternoon, and should be +a subject of contempt, instead of imitation, in Grosvenor Square. Women, +~180~~however, are not quite so irrational as men, in London, for they +generally sit down to a substantial lunch about three or four; if men +would do the same, the meal at eight might be relieved of many of its +weighty dishes, and conversation would be a gainer by it; for it must be +allowed on all hands, that conversation suffers great interruption from +the manner in which fashionable dinners are managed. First, the host and +hostess (or her unfortunate coadjutor) are employed during three parts +of the dinner in doing the work of servants, helping fish, or carving +venison to twenty hungry guests, to the total loss of the host's powers +of amusement, and the entire disfigurement of the fair hostess's face. +Again, much time is lost by the attention every one is obliged to +pay, in order to find out (which, by the way, he cannot do if he is +short-sighted) what dishes are at the extreme end of the table; and if +a guest is desirous of a glass of wine, he must peep through the Apollos +and Cupids of the plateau, in order to find some one to take it with; +otherwise he is compelled to wait till some one asks him, which will +probably happen in succession; so that after having had no wine for +half an hour, he will have to swallow five glasses in five minutes. +Convenience teaches, that the best manner of enjoying society at dinner, +is to leave every thing to the servants that servants can do; so that +no farther trouble may be experienced than to accept the dishes that +are presented, and to drink at your own time the wines which are +handed round. A fashionable dinner, on the contrary, seems to presume +beforehand on the silence, dulness, and insipidity of the guests, and +to have provided little interruptions, like the jerks which the Chaplain +gives to the Archbishop to prevent his going to sleep during a sermon.” + +“Accurate descriptions, as usual,” said Tom, “and highly amusing.” + +Tallyho and Mortimer were intent upon hearing the remainder of Sparkle's +account, though they occasionally joined in the laugh, and observed that +Sparkle seemed to be in a very sentimental mood. As they continued to +walk on, he resumed-- + +“Well then, some time after dinner comes the hour for the ball, or rout; +but this is sooner said than done: it often requires as much time to +go from St. James's Square to Cleveland Row, as to go from London to +Hounslow. + +~181~~It would require volumes to describe the disappointment which +occurs on arriving in the brilliant mob of a ball-room. Sometimes, as +it has been before said, a friend is seen squeezed like yourself, at +the other end of the room, without a possibility of your communicating, +except by signs; and as the whole arrangement of the society is +regulated by mechanical pressure, you may happen to be pushed +against those to whom you do not wish to speak, whether bores, slight +acquaintances, or determined enemies. Confined by the crowd, stifled by +the heat, dazzled by the light, all powers of intellect are obscured; +wit loses its point, and sagacity its observation; indeed, the limbs +are so crushed, and the tongue so parched, that, except particularly +undressed ladies, all are in the case of the traveller, Mr. Clarke, +when he says, that in the plains of Syria some might blame him for not +making moral reflections on the state of the country; but that he must +own that the heat quite deprived him of all power of thought. Hence it +is, that the conversation you hear around you is generally nothing more +than--“Have you been here long?--Have you been at Mrs. H----'s?--Are +you going to Lady D----'s?”--Hence too, + +Madam de Staël said very justly to an Englishman, “Dans vos routes le +corps fait plus de frai que l'esprit.” But even if there are persons of +a constitution robust enough to talk, they dare not do so, when twenty +heads are forced into the compass of one square foot; nay, even if, to +your great delight, you see a person to whom you have much to say, and +by fair means or foul, elbows and toes, knees and shoulders, have got +near him, he often dismisses you with shaking you by the hand, +and saying--My dear Mr.---- how do you do? and then continues a +conversation with a person whose ear is three inches nearer. At one +o'clock, however, the crowd diminishes; and if you are not tired by the +five or six hours of playing at company, which you have already had, you +may be very comfortable for the rest of the evening. This however is +the round of fashionable company. But I begin to be tired even of the +description.” + +“A very luminous and comprehensive view of fashionable society however,” + said Tom, “sketched by a natural hand in glowing colours, though not +exactly in the usual style. I shall not venture to assert whether +the subjects are well chosen, but the figures are well grouped, and +~182~~display considerable ability and lively imagination in the +painter, though a little confused.” + +“It appears to be a study from nature,” said Mortimer. + +“At least,” continued Sparkle, “it is a study from Real Life, and +delineates the London manners; for although I have been a mingler in +the gaieties and varieties of a London Life, I have always held the +same opinions with respect to the propriety of the manners and customs +adopted, and have endeavoured to read as I ran; and it cannot be +denied, that, in the eye of fashion, nothing can be more amiable than to +deviate, or at least to affect a deviation, from nature, for to speak +or act according to her dictates, would be considered vulgar and +common-place in the last degree; to hear a story and not express an +emotion you do not feel, perfectly rude and unmannerly, and among the +ladies particularly. To move and think as the heart feels inclined, +are offences against politeness that no person can ever in honour or +delicacy forgive.” + +“Come, come,” said Tom, “don't you be so hard on the blessings of Life-- + + “For who, that knows the thrilling touch + Which Woman's love can give, + Would wish to live for aught so much, + As bid those beauties live? + + For what is life, which all so prize, + And all who live approve, + Without the fire of Woman's eyes, + To bid man live and love?” + +Sparkle affected to laugh, appeared confused, and look'd down for a few +moments, and they walk'd on in silence. + +“I perceive,” said Tom, “how the matter stands--well, I shall not be a +tormentor--but remember I expect an introduction to the fair enslaver. I +thought you 'defy'd the mighty conqueror of hearts,' and resolved to be +free.” + +“Resolutions, as well as promises, are easily made,” said Sparkle, +“but not always so easily accomplished or performed--nor are you always +accurate in your conceptions of circumstances; but no matter, your +voyages are always made in search of discoveries, and, in spite of your +resolutions, ~183~~you may perchance be entrapp'd. But no more of this; +I perceive your raillery is directed to me, and I hope you enjoy it.” + +“Faith,” replied Tom, “you know I always enjoy your company, but I don't +recollect to have found you in so prosing a humour before--Pray, which +way are you directing your coursel?” + +During the latter part of this conversation, Bob and young Mortimer were +employed in admiring the fine piece of water which presented itself to +their notice in the Serpentine River. + +“Merely for a ride,” was the reply; “any way you please, to pass away +the time.” + +“Mighty cavalier, truly,” said Tom; “but come, here we are at +Kensington, let us mount, and away.” + +“Remember, I expect you and Mr. Tallyho to accompany me in the evening +to a family-party. I have already stated my intention, and you are both +expected.” + +“Upon these terms then, I am your man, and I think I may answer for my +Cousin.” + +By this time they were at the gate, where, finding the curricle and the +nags all in readiness, Sparkle and Mortimer were soon horsed, and Tom +and Bob seated in the curricle. They proceeded to Richmond, taking +surveys of the scenery on the road, and discoursing on the usual topics +of such a journey, which being foreign to the professed intention of +this work, are omitted. Suffice it to say they returned refreshed from +the excursion, and parted with a promise to meet again at nine o'clock, +in Grosvenor Square. + +“Egad!” said Dashall, as they entered the diningroom, “there is +something very mysterious in all this. Sparkle has hitherto been the +life and soul of society: he seems to be deeply smitten with this young +Lady, Miss Mortimer, and promises fairly, by his manner, to prove a +deserter from our standard, and to inlist under the banners of Hymen.” + +“Not unlikely,” replied Tallyho, “if what we are told be true--that it +is what we must all come to.” + +“Be that as it may, it ought not to interfere with our pursuits, Real +Life in London, though, to be sure, the Ladies, dear creatures, ought +not to be forgotten: they are so nearly and dearly interwoven with our +existence, that, without them, Life would be insupportable.” + +~184~~After dinner, they prepared for the evening party, and made their +appearance in Grosvenor Squire at the appointed hour. But as this will +introduce new characters to the Reader, we shall defer our account of +them till the next Chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + Ye are stars of the night, ye are gems of the morn, + Ye are dew-drops whose lustre illumines the thorn; + And rayless that night is, that morning unblest, + When no beam in your eye, lights up peace in the breast; + And the sharp thorn of sorrow sinks deep in the heart, + Till the sweet lip of Woman assuages the smart; + 'Tis her's o'er the couch of misfortune to bend, + In fondness a lover, in firmness a friend; + And prosperity's hour, be it ever confest, + From Woman receives both refinement and zest; + And adorn'd by the bays, or enwreath'd with the willow, + Her smile is our meed, and her bosom our pillow. + +ARRIVED at Grosvenor Square, they found the party consisted of Colonel +B----, his son and daughter, Miss Mortimer, and her brother, Mr. +Sparkle, Mr. Merrywell, and Lady Lovelace. The first salutations of +introduction being over, there was time to observe the company, among +whom, Miss Mortimer appeared to be the principal magnet of attraction. +The old Colonel was proud to see the friends of Mr. Sparkle, and had +previously given a hearty welcome to Mr. Merrywell, as the friend of his +nephew, the young Mortimer. Sparkle now appeared the gayest of the gay, +and had been amusing the company with some of his liveliest descriptions +of character and manners, that are to be witnessed in the metropolis. +While Merrywell, who did not seem to be pleased with the particular +attentions he paid to Miss Mortimer, was in close conversation with her +brother. + +Tom could not but acknowledge that it was scarcely possible to see Miss +Mortimer, without feelings of a nature which he had scarcely experienced +before. The elegant neatness of her dress was calculated to display the +beauty of her form, and the vivid flashes of a dark eye were so +many irresistible attacks upon the heart; a sweet voice, and smiling +countenance, appeared to throw a radiance around the room, and +illuminate the visages of the whole ~186~~party, while Lady Lovelace +and Maria B---- served as a contrast to heighten that effect which +they envied and reproved. While tea was preparing, after which it was +proposed to take a rubber at cards, a sort of general conversation took +place: the preparations for the Coronation, the new novels of the day, +and the amusements of the theatre, were canvassed in turn; and speaking +of the writings of Sir Walter Scott, as the presumed author of the +celebrated Scotch novels, Lady Lovelace declared she found it impossible +to procure the last published from the library, notwithstanding her name +has been long on the list, so much was it in request. + +Sparkle replied, “That he had purchased the Novel, and would willingly +lend it to the Ladies. As for the Libraries,” continued he, “they are +good places of accommodation, but it is impossible to please every one, +either there or any where else; they are however very amusing at times, +and as a proof of it, I strolled the other morning to a Circulating +Library, for the express purpose of lounging away an hour in digesting +the politics and news of the day; but the curious scenes to which I +was witness during this short period, so distracted my attention, that, +despite of the grave subjects on which I was meditating, I could not +resist lending an attentive ear to all that passed around me. There was +something of originality in the countenance of the Master of the Library +which struck me forcibly; and the whimsical answers which he made to his +numerous subscribers, and the yet more whimsical tone in which they +were pronounced, more than once provoked a smile. The first person +who attracted my notice was a fine showy looking woman, dressed in +the extreme of fashion, with a bloom upon her cheek, which might have +emulated that of the rose, with this exception, that it wanted the charm +of nature. Putting a list into the hands of the Bookseller, she +inquired if he had any of the productions the names of which were +there transcribed. Glancing his eye over the paper, he replied (with +an archness which not a little disconcerted her, and which probably +occasioned her abrupt disappearance, “_The Fine Lady_, Madam, is seldom +or ever at home; but _Family Secrets_ we are always ready to let out.” + '_Characters of Eminent Men_' growled out a little vulgar consequential +Citizen, whose countenance bore the stamp of that insufferable +dulness that might almost tempt ~187~~one to imagine him incapable of +comprehending the meaning of the words which he pronounced with an air +of so much self-importance; '_Characters of Eminent Men_, 195,' repeated +the Snarler, in the same tone, 'I much fear if we can boast a quarter +of that number, eh! Mr. Margin?' “I fear not, Sir,” replied Margin; +“but such as we have are very much at your service.” 'Better be in the +service of the nation than in mine, by far,' said the little purse-proud +gentleman, shrugging his shoulders very significantly. “Shall I send +it for you, Sir?” said Margin, without noticing the last remark. 'By no +means, by no means; the volume is not so large, it won't encumber me +much; I believe I shall find it small enough to put in my pocket,' +pursued the little great man, grinning at the shrewdness of his own +observations, and stalking out with as much self-complacency as he had +stalked in. I knew the man well, and could not help laughing at the +lofty airs he assumed, at the manner in which he affected to decry all +his countrymen without mercy, at his unwillingness to acknowledge +any talent amongst them, though he himself was a man of that plodding +description who neither ever had done, nor ever could do any thing to +entitle him to claim distinction of any sort. The young Coxcomb who next +entered, was a direct contrast to the last applicant, both in person and +manner. Approaching with a fashionable contortion, he stretched out his +lady-like hand, and in the most languid and affected tone imaginable, +inquired for The Idler. “That, Sir,” said Margin, “is amongst the works +we have unhappily lost, but you will be sure to meet with it at any of +the fashionable libraries in the neighbourhood of Bond Street or St. +James's.” The young Fop had just sense enough to perceive that the shaft +was aimed at him, but not enough to relish the joke, or correct the +follies which provoked it, and turned abruptly on his heel. He was met +at the door by a sentimental boarding-school Miss, who came flying into +the shop in defiance of her governess, and inquired, in a very pathetic +tone, for _The Constant Lover_. “That, I am afraid,” said Margin, “is +not amongst our collection.” 'Dear me,' lisped the young Lady, with an +air of chagrin, 'that's very provoking, I thought that was what every +one had.' “Give me leave to assure you, Ma'am, that you are quite +mistaken. I fancy you will find that it is not to be met with all over +London.” + +~188~~An old Gentleman of the old school, whose clothes were decidedly +the cut of the last century, and whose stiff and formal manners were +precisely of the same date with his habiliments, next came hobbling +in. Poring through his spectacles over the catalogue which lay upon the +counter, the first thing which caught his eye, was _An Essay upon Old +Maids_. “Tom, Tom,” said the complaisant Librarian, calling to a lad at +the other end of the shop, “reach down the Old Maids for the gentleman. +They won't appear to advantage, I'm afraid, a little dusty or damaged, +with having laid so long upon the shelf,” he added, with a simper, which +was not lost upon any one present. A melancholy looking man, in whose +countenance meekness and insipidity were alike plainly depicted, +now came forward, inquiring, in an under, and what might almost be +designated an alarmed tone of voice, for _The Impertinent Wife_; a +female, who hung upon his arm, interrupted him by entreating, or rather +insisting in no very gentle tone, 'that he would ask for something +better worth having.' Margin, affecting only to hear the former speaker, +immediately produced the book in question, and observed, with much +naivete, “that the Impertinent Wife was sure to be in the way at all +hours,” at the same time not omitting to recommend Discipline as “a +better work.” A young man, whom I knew to be one of the greatest fortune +hunters about town, with an air of consummate assurance, put out +his hand for _Disinterested Marriage_. “That's a thing quite out of +date--never thought of now, Sir,” said Margin, who knew him as well as +myself; “Allow me to recommend something of more recent date, something +more sought after in the fashionable world, Splendid Misery, Sir, +or--“The young man heard no more: spite of his impudence, he was so +abashed by the reply, that he made a hasty retreat. The last person whom +I thought it worth my while to notice, was a tall, meagre looking man, +whom I recollected to have seen pointed out to me as a wit, and a genius +of the first order. His wit was, however, of that dangerous sort which +caused his company to be rather shunned than courted; and it was very +evident, from his appearance, that he had not had the wit to work +himself into the good graces of those who might have had it in their +power to befriend him. Though he spoke in a very low tone, I soon +found that he was inquiring for _Plain Sense_. On Margin's replying, +~189~~with much nonchalance, that _Plain Sense_ had of late become very +rare, finding himself disappointed in his first application, his next +aim was _Patronage_. “That, Sir, (said the wary bookseller) is so much +sought after, that I really cannot promise it to you at present; but if, +as I conclude, you merely want something to beguile a leisure hour or +two, probably _The Discontented Man_ will answer the purpose very well.” + +To this description of Sparkle, the whole company listened with +attention and delight, frequently interrupting him with bursts of +laughter. Tea was handed round, and then cards introduced. Young +Mortimer and Merrywell seemed to take but little interest in the play, +and evidently discovered their anxiety to be liberated, having some +other object in view. Mortimer felt no great portion of pleasure in +passing his time with his uncle, the Colonel, nor with his sister, Lady +Lovelace, who was a perfect model of London affectation; besides, his +friend Mr. Merrywell, who was to him what Tom Dashall and Sparkle had +been to Tallyho, had made an engagement to introduce him to some of +his dashing acquaintances in the West. Nods and winks were interchanged +between them, and could not but be noticed by Tom and Bob, though +Sparkle was so intent upon the amusements of the moment, and the company +of the lovely Caroline, as to appear immoveable. + +Mr. Merrywell at length stated that he must be compelled to quit the +party. Young Mortimer also apologized; for as he and his friend were +engaged for an early excursion in the morning, he should take a bed at +his habitation, in order to be fully prepared. This was the first step +to breaking up the party. + +Merrywell called Sparkle on one side, saying he had something of +importance to communicate. It was twelve o'clock, and the gentlemen, +after taking a formal leave of the ladies and the Colonel, and a promise +on the part of Sparkle to meet them again the next morning at twelve, to +escort them to the Exhibition, left the house. + +“I am really happy,” said Merrywell to Sparkle as they passed the +door, “to have had the honour of this introduction, and shall have much +pleasure in becoming better acquainted with Mr. Sparkle, who, though +personally unknown to me, his name and fame are familiar. + +~190~~Mr. Mortimer and myself are going to take a review of the +neighbourhood of St. James's, probably to shake an elbow.” + +“Excellent,” said Tom; “here is a fine opportunity for Mr. Tallyho to +take a like survey, and, if agreeable, we will join the party. Though +I am by no means a friend to gaming, I conceive it necessary that every +person should see the haunts of its votaries, and the arts they make use +of, in order to avoid them.” + +“You are right, and therefore let us have a peep at them.” With this +they 'walk'd on, listening with attention to the following lines, which +were recited by Sparkle: + + “Behold yon group, fast fix'd at break of day, + Whose haggard looks a sleepless night betray, + With stern attention, silent and profound, + The mystic table closely they surround; + Their eager eyes with eager motions join, + As men who meditate some vast design: + Sure, these are Statesmen, met for public good, + For some among them boast of noble blood: + Or are they traitors, holding close debate + On desp'rate means to overthrow the State? + For there are men among them whose domains + And goods and chattels lie within their brains. + No, these are students of the blackest art + That can corrupt the morals or the heart; + Yet are they oft in fashion's ranks preferred, + And men of honour, if you take their word. + But they can plunder, pillage, and devour, + More than poor robbers, at the midnight hour; + Lay deeper schemes to manage lucky hits, + Than artful swindlers, living by their wits. + Like cunning fowlers, spread th' alluring snare, + And glory when they pluck a pigeon bare. + These are our gamesters, who have basely made + The cards and dice their study and their trade.”{1} + + 1 Gaming is generally understood to have been invented by + the Lydians, when they were under the pressure of a great + famine. To divert themselves from dwelling on their + sufferings, they contrived the balls, tables, &c. and, in + order to bear their calamity the better, were accustomed to + play for the whole day together, without interruption, that + they might not be rack'd with the thought of food, which + they could not obtain. It is not a little extraordinary that + this invention, which was originally intended as a remedy + for hunger, is now a very common cause of that very evil. + +~191~~“True,” said Merry well, as Sparkle concluded, though he did not +like the satire upon his own favourite pursuit; “those delineations are +correct, and the versification good, as far as it applies to the worst +species of the gaminghouse.” + +“O,” said Tom, “then pray, Sir, which is the worst?” + +“Nonsense,” said Sparkle, “there is neither worse nor best; these Hells +are all alike. _Sharks, Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, Black-legs, and +Levanters_, are to be met with at them all, and _they meet to bite one +another's heads off_.” + +“An admirable description, truly, of the company you are about to +introduce us to, Gentlemen,” said Tallyho. + +“I don't understand Greeks, Hells, and Black-legs,” said Mortimer, “and +should like an explanation.” + +“With all my heart,” replied Sparkle--“_Hell_ is the general title now +given to any well-known gaming-house, and really appears to be well +chosen; for all the miseries that can fall to the lot of human nature, +are to be found in those receptacles of idleness, duplicity, and +villany. Gaming is an estate to which all the world has a pretence, +though few espouse it who are willing to secure either their estates +or reputations: and these Hells may fairly be considered as so many +half-way houses to the Fleet or King's Bench Prisons, or some more +desperate end. The love of play is the most incurable of insanities: +robbery, suicide, and the extensive ruin of whole families, have been +known to proceed from this unfortunate and fatal propensity. + +“_Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, and Black-legs_, are synonimous terms, +applied to the frequenters of the modern Hells, or Gaming-houses, +and may be distinguished from the rest of society by the following +peculiarities in pursuits and manners. + +“The _Greeks_ of the present day, though they may not lay claim to, or +boast of all the attributes of the _Greeks_ of antiquity, must certainly +be allowed to possess that quality for which the latter were ever so +celebrated, namely, _cunning and wariness_: for although no modern Greek +can be said to have any resemblance to Achilles, Ajax, Patroclus, or +Nestor, in point of courage, strength, fidelity, or wisdom, he may +nevertheless boast of being a close copier of the equally renowned +chief of Ithaca. You will find him in most societies, habited like a +gentleman; ~192~~his clothes are of the newest fashion, and his manners +of the highest polish, with every appearance of candour and honour; +while he subsists by unfair play at dice, cards, and billiards, +deceiving and defrauding all those with whom he may engage; disregarding +the professions of friendship and intimacy, which are continually +falling from his lips. + +“To become a good _Greek_ (which, by the way, is a contradiction) it +will be found necessary to follow these instructions: + +“In the first place, lie should be able to command his temper; he should +speak but little, and when he does mingle in conversation, he should +most decidedly deprecate play, as a source of the greatest evil that +can prey upon society, and elucidate its tendencies by striking examples +which are well known to himself, and which are so forcibly impressed +upon his recollection, that he is determined never to play deep again, +but has no objection to a sociable and friendly game now and then, just +to pass the time away a little agreeably. By this means he may readily +mark down his man, and the game once in view, he should not appear too +eager in the pursuit of it, but take good care, as the proverb says, +to give a sprat, in order to catch a herring. This should be done by +allowing some temporary success, before he make a final hit. + +“There is perhaps no art which requires so much of continual practice as +that of _Greekery_. It is therefore necessary, that the professor should +frequently exercise himself in private with cards and dice, in order +that his digits may be trained to a proper degree of agility, upon which +the success of his art principally depends. He should also be accustomed +to work with some younger man than himself, who, having once been +a pigeon, is become a naute, that is enlightened and will not +peach--consequently, he serves as an excellent decoy to others. + +“To ascertain the property of the pigeon he intends to pluck, is another +essential requisite; and when this important information is obtained, +(which should be before he commences operations) he should affect the +utmost liberality as to time, &c. and make a show of extending every +honourable facility to his opponent, even by offers of pecuniary +assistance; by which means, (if he should be fortunate enough to have +it accepted) he may probably, by good management, obtain a legal +~193~~security from him, and thus be enabled to fasten on his prey +whenever he pleases. + +“The title of a military man, such as Captain, is very useful to the +Greek, as it introduces him well to society, and if he has once held a +commission in the army, so much the better. If not, it can be assumed, +so that if any unpleasant regimental peculation should be introduced, +he may place his hand on the left side of his breast, declare he is +astonished and alarmed at the calumnious spirit of the times, shake his +head, and interlard his conversation with common-place ejaculations; +such as the following--Indeed--No--Why I know Harry very well--he's a +bit of a blood--can it be possible--I should not have thought it--bless +my heart--exactly so--good God--a devilish good joke tho'--that's very +true, says I--so says he, &c. &c. + +“A Greek should be a man of some personal courage, never shrink from +a row, nor be afraid to' fight a duel. He should be able to bully, +bluster, swagger and swear, as occasion may require; nay, in desperate +cases, such us peaching, &c. he should not object even to assassination. +He should invite large parties to dine with him frequently, and have a +particular sort of wine for particular companies. He should likewise be +able to swallow a tolerable quantity of the juice of the grape himself, +as well as know how to appear as if he were drinking, when he is merely +passing the bottle, and so manage it passing, as to seem drunk at proper +times. When good opportunities present themselves for the exercise +of his art, and when a hit is really to be made, he should positively +refuse to suffer play of any kind in his house, alleging that he has +seen enough of it, and cut the concern. This serves to increase the +desire for it in others. On any decisive occasion, when a train is known +to be well laid, he should appear to be drunk before any one of the +party; in which case he should take care beforehand to instruct his +decoy to pluck the pigeon, while he, as a supposed observer, is betting +with some one in the company, (of course an accomplice) and is also a +loser. + +“Greeks, who know each other, are enabled to convey information by means +of private signals, without uttering a word, and consequently without +detection. At whist, or other games on the cards, fingers are admirable +conveyancers of intelligence, and by dexterous performers ~194~~are +so managed, as to defy the closest scrutiny, so as to have the natural +appearance of pliancy, while, among the _knowing ones_, their movements +are actually deciding the fate of a rubber.” + +“Egad!” said Mortimer, “you seem to understand the business so well, I +wonder you don't open shop.” + +“My knowledge,” continued Sparkle, “is but theoretical. I cannot boast +of much practical information, for it is long since I shook the lucky +castor.” + +“O, then, you are discontented because you have no luck.” + +“Not so,” said Sparkle, “for I never play very deep, so that, win or +lose, I can never suffer much; but I am willing to give information to +others, and with that view I have detailed the nature of the houses +and the general character of their frequenters, according to my own +conception of them. The _Levanter_ is a _Black-leg_, who lives by the +_broads_{l} and the _turf_,{2} and is accustomed to work as it were by +_telegraph_{3} with his pal; and if you take the broads in hand in their +company, you are sure to be work'd, either by glazing, that is, putting +you in the front of a looking-glass, by which means your hand is +discovered by your antagonist, or by private signals from the pal. On +the turf he will pick up some nobleman or gentleman, who he knows is +not _up to the rig_--bet him fifty or a hundred on a horse--pull out his +pocket-book--set down the name, and promise to be at the stand when +the race is over; but takes care to be seen no more, unless he is +the winner, which he easily ascertains by the direction his pal takes +immediately on the arrival of the horses. But hold, we must dismiss the +present subject of contemplation, for here we are at the very scene of +action, and now for ocular demonstration.” + +No. 40, now 32, Pall Mall, was the place of destination, a house well +known, said, in Koubel's time, to be more _à la Française_, and of +course more of a gambling-house, than any other of the same description +in London. The former were good judges of their business, and did things +in prime order; but, if report say true, the new Establishment + + 1 Broads--A cant term for cards. + + 2 Turf--A cant term for horse-racing. + + 3 Telegraph--To work the telegraph, is to impart information + by secret signs and motions, previously concerted between + the parties. + +~195~~has completely eclipsed their precursors: it is now conducted +wholly by aliens--by Frenchmen!!! who are said to have realized 80,000L. +within a very short space of time; and that a certain nobleman, whose +name is not Dormouse, has serious reason to remember that he has been a +visitor. + +These concerns are considered of so much importance, and are found to be +so very productive, that regular co-partnerships are entered into, +the business is conducted almost with the precision of a mercantile +establishment; all kinds of characters embark in these speculations, and +rapid fortunes are to be made by them; this alone ought to deter young +men from play, since it sufficiently indicates how much the chances are +in favour of the tables. But many high and noble names resort to them. + + “There's N--g--nts proud Lord, who, to angle for pelf, + Will soon find the secret of diddling himself; + There's Herbert, who lately, as knowing one's tell, + Won a tight seven hundred at a House in Pall Mall. + + Captain D--v--s, who now is a chick of the game, + For altho' in high feather, the odds will soon tame; + And the Marquis of Bl--ndf--rd, who touch'd 'em up rare + For a thousand in Bennet Street (all on the square); + There's Li--d and C--m--ck, who'd a marine to be, + For none drills a guinea more ably than he; + There's a certain rum Baronet, every one knows, + Who on Saturday nights to the Two Sevens{1} goes, + + With J---- and Cl----, Billy W---- and two more, + So drunk, that they keep merry hell in a roar. + Long D--ll--n, their C--rt--r, a son of a gun; + Bill B----, the Doctor, that figure of fun; + + Bankers, Dealers and Demireps, Cuckolds in droves, + A T--l--r, a T--nf--Id, a Cr--kf--Id, and CI--ves; + A H--rtf--rd, a Y--rm--th, of frail ones ten score; + X--ft--e, S--br--gt and E--ll--s, and still many more.” + +“Come along,” said Merrywell, “let us see what they are made of; are +either of you known? for Cerberus, who keeps the door, is d----d +particular, in consequence of some rows they have recently had, and the +devil is careful to pick his customers.” + +“To pluck them, you mean,” said Tom; “but perhaps you are in possession +of the pass-word--if so, lead on.” + + 1 The _Two Sevens_--A nick-name for the well-known house, + No. 77, Jermyn Street. + +~196~~Tallyho had already heard so much about Hells, Gambling-houses, +and Subscription-houses, that he was all anxiety for an interior view, +and the same feeling animated Mortimer. As they were about to enter, +they were not a little surprised to find that houses which are spoken of +so publicly, have in general the appearance of private dwellings, with +the exception that the hall-door is left ajar during the hours usually +devoted to play, like those of trap-cages, to catch the passing pigeons, +and to obviate the delay which might be occasioned by the necessity of +knocking--a delay which might expose the customers to the glances of an +unsuspecting creditor--a confiding father, or a starving wife; and, as +Merrywell observed, “It was to be understood that the entrance was well +guarded, and that no gentleman could be permitted to risk or lose his +money, without an introduction.” A very necessary precaution to obviate +the danger of being surprised by the officers of the law; but that rule +is too easily to be broken, for any gentleman whom the door-keeper +has sufficient reason to think is not an Officer of Justice, finds the +avenues to these labyrinths too ready for his admission. + +[Illustration: page196 A Modern Hell] + +On passing the outer-door, they found themselves impeded by a second, +and a third, and each door constructed with a small spy-hole, exhibiting +the ball of a ruffian's eye, intently gazing on and examining their +figures. It is necessary to observe, that if the visitor is known to +be a fair pigeon, or an old crow, he is at once admitted by these +gentlemen, and politely bowed up stairs; and as Merrywell appeared to be +well known, no obstruction was offered, and they proceeded through the +last, which was an iron door, and were shewn directly into the room, +which presented a scene of dazzling astonishment. + +On entering, they discovered the votaries of gaming around an oblong +table, covered with green cloth, and the priests of the ceremony in the +centre, one to deal cards and decide events, and another to assist him +in collecting the plunder which should follow such decisions. Being +engaged in the play, but little notice was taken of the arrival of the +party, except by two or three eagle-eyed gentlemen, who, perceiving +there were some _New-comes_{1} + + 1. Newcomes--The name given to any new faces discovered among + the usual visitants. + +~197~~and always keeping business in view, made up to Merrywell, began +to be very talkative--was happy to see him--hoped he had been well--and +congratulated him on the introduction of his friends--took snuff, and +handed the box round with all the appearance of unaffected friendship. + +“These,” said Tom Dashall to his Cousin, drawing him on one side, “are +the Proprietors{1} of this concern; + + 1 In order that the class of men by whom houses of this + description are generally kept, and to shew the certainty + they have of accumulating riches, as well as to guard the + young and inexperienced against being decoyed, it may not be + amiss to animadvert upon a few of the most prominent and + well known. + + No. 7, Pall Mall, is kept by B----l, who has been a public + and noted gambler for these forty years, and is generally + termed the Father of the Houses. He was at one time a poor + man, but now, by his honest earnings, is in possession of + some tens of thousands. It is said that he was originally a + stable-boy, and, in process of time, arose to be a jobber in + horse-flesh, but has at length feathered his nest with + _pigeons down_. + + No. 77, St. James's Street, nick-named the Two Sevens, kept + by Messrs. T. C. C. T. is a well-known House, where things + are conducted with great civility and attention, and the + best possible treatment may generally be relied upon, though + they are rather sparing of refreshments, and apt to grumble + if a customer has a run of good luck. A Prussian Officer, + however, not long ago, kick'd up a devil of a row about + losing a very large sum of money; but it is scarcely + necessary to add it was all in vain, for there was no + redress. + + The produce of this Bank, (which Paddy B---- calls the + Devil's Exchequer, whence you can draw neither principal nor + interest,) furnishes elegant houses and equipages, both in + town and country, and, it is possible, may one day or other + send a Member to Parliament, or a General to the field. + + No. 10, King Street, St. James's, is conducted by old and + young D----s L----r; the father is too old in iniquity + to remember his progress from poverty to affluence. + + No. 5, King-street, is kept by Mr. A----l; the former + residing at No. 3, Leicester-place, the latter No. 3,---- + Street; and both live in prime style. The former, in his + youth, was an errand boy, and he became so willing in doing + little jobs, that his employers have paid him most + handsomely. The latter gentleman, who may be seen frequently + driving a dennet, and looking both sides of the road at + once, is a chip of the old block: but as it is not our + intention to visit the sins of the sou upon the father, we + shall not enter into a minute examination of him. + + No. 6, in Bury-street, is only about a year's standing. + This table was set up by a broken adventurer, Capt. B----, + with Mr. ----, a jeweller, and a man whose agents keep a + house of ill fame, no way inferior in attribute to his + house in Bury-street. They commenced with narrow funds, + and now, thank the gulls, are independent. + + The next door, No. 7, is held by M----g, a map-seller, + living at Charing Cross; Carl--s, formerly an under- + strapper at Ben--t's, living at King's Road, Chelsea; H----ll, + a tallow-chandler, living at No. 8, Bury-street; and + his brother, a brick-layer, residing somewhere off Grosvenor + Place. These fellows have carried on their depredations for + some time, but now have closed for awhile, being one of the + houses against whom a Jew, named Portugal John, and another + named the Young Black Diamond, have commenced proceedings, + for sums had and received, and by indictment. + + No. 28, in the same street, is the property of one O---- + d, formerly a menial servant, and not long ago a porter to + B----l. + + These examples shew by incontestible inference, that the + keepers of those tables have an advantage, which renders + their success certain, while it fleeces the men who attend + them. We always have seen these Proprietors in the same + unchangeable affluence, driving their equipages, keeping + their country houses, &c. &c. while those who play + invariably sink into poverty. It has been often--very often + remarked, that young men who commence this career of folly + and vice, by degrees lose that freshness and fashionable + appearance which they at first possessed, and at last are + seen wandering about St. James's Park _counting the trees_, + and dining on a _gravel hash_, for want of more genial fare, + in a threadbare coat, half-polished boots, a greasy hat, and + a dirty cravat; while the plunderers of their happiness and + property are driving by them in luxury, enjoying their + pleasure by contrast with their victim, and sneering at his + miseries. + + Of all the vices which deform this Metropolis (and there are + not a few) the most ruinous is that of Rouge et Noir + gambling, for that is practised in the day time, and it is a + matter of astonishment to think that it has remained + undisturbed by the law, and hitherto unnoticed by the Press. + At this moment no less than twelve of these Hells are open + to the public in the noon-day; and no less than five or six + profane the Sabbath by their sinful practices. Although + London has been, time out of mind, infested with the imps of + play, yet it was not until within these last ten or fifteen + years that they dared open their dens to the honest light of + day. About that period, or a very short time before, Rouge + et Noir was imported, amongst other fashionable things, from + France; and to this game we are indebted for the practice of + gambling in the day-light. + + It is impossible to put down the vice of Gaming wholly, and + not all the various enactments of the legislature against it + have succeeded; but that the ruinous and infamous practice + of indulging that vice in the midst of crowded day should be + suffered, for upwards of sixteen years, in the centre of + British society, when it can easily be suppressed, calls + forth our wonder, and gives a stronger proof to us that our + Societies for the Suppression of Vice, &c. &c. are shadows + with a name. When the Hazard tables open, it is at an hour + when the respectable and controlled youths of London are + within the walls of their homes; few are abroad except the + modern man of _ton_, the rake, the sot, the robber, and the + vagabond; and the dangers of gaming on these orders of + society is little indeed, when compared with the baneful + effects of that vice upon the mercantile youth of London. It + is to this class, and to the youth of the middling orders of + society, that gaming is destructive, and it is upon these + that the Rouge et Noir tables cast the most fatal influence. + Young men of this order cannot in general be absent from + their families after midnight, the hour when the nocturnal + Hells formerly yawned upon their victims; but now the + introduction of Rouge et Noir has rendered the abominable + track of play a morning and evening's lounge, set forth in + all the false glare which the artful proprietors can invent + to deceive the thoughtless; and thus it affords + opportunities and temptations to such youth almost + irresistible. + + When the glittering of London pleasures first meets the eye + of a young man placed upon the road of a mercantile life, or + when he enters any of the multifarious departments in the + machine of society which always lead the industrious and + prudent to honourable emolument, he too frequently + misconceives the fashionable gamester's character, and + confounds his crimes with elegant accomplishments. The road + to pleasure is broad, and the gates of these Hells are open + to him at hours when he can be absent, and can indulge his + whim without suspicion--for at first he looks upon his new + enjoyment but a mere whim, which he can abandon at any + moment. But how different is the proof! He goes on--his new + made wings carry him through a region of delight, and he + believes himself to possess the powers of the eagle--still + lighter he ascends, and the solid earth on which he formerly + trod in safety, recedes immeasurably from his giddy eye--at + length his wings prove wax, they melt before the sun, and + the victim of his own folly tumbles into the abyss of + destruction. + + It is no uncommon thing, nay, we will positively declare it + to be a very frequent practice of these misled young men, + when they have been initiated, and have the temporary + command of money belonging to their employers, to go to the + Rouge et Noir tables, armed (as they think) with + impenetrable armour--a large sum; and, in the hope of + profiting to a certain amount, risk that property, the loss + of which would be the loss of every thing dear to them in + society. They believe, from the greatness of the amount they + possess, that they can command a small gain, and not for a + moment doubt they will be able to replace or return the + money entrusted to their care; but little do they know the + fickleness of luck, and less do they suspect the odds and + imposing roguery arrayed against them. Their first loss is + trifling, but they have to win that back iu addition to + their expected profits; for this purpose they stake a larger + sum, which, if they lose, increases their task, and so on, + until the half-frantic victims see no hope but desperation, + and their remaining stock is placed upon the chance of a + single card. The event closes, and the man who yesterday + enjoyed the good opinion of the world, and the esteem and + confidence of his friends, to-day becomes the veriest + outcast of society! These are common cases, one of which, + for example, we will describe as the facts occurred:--In the + year 1816, a Clerk, possessing the highest reputation, + became a frequenter of a Rouge et Noir table. From the + nature of his employment, he had daily the command of large + sums, which, for a short time, he risked at play + successfully. One day, however, he brought with him his + employer's money, to the amount of 1700L. the whole of + which, in two days, he lost. We may judge of the unhappy + young man's feelings by his subsequent conduct. He wrote a + confession of the affair to the man he wronged, retired to a + tavern, and blew his brains out! + + These gaming-tables open at half-past twelve o'clock, + continue their orgies until five, and recommence at seven in + the evening. How many young men are passing their doors at + these hours with the property of others in their pockets!-- + and what a temptation to risk it! It would seem as if these + places were set up as shops designed chiefly for the + accommodation of mid-day dealers in ill-fortune, as if + levelled directly at those men who cannot or will not spend + their nights in gambling; and how the proprietors contrive + to escape detection and punishment is surprising, + considering that the law affords ample means to put them + down. + +~200~~they know their customers, and place themselves here to watch the +progress of their gains. Their attentions are always directed to the +new-comers. Remorseless, avaricious, and happy--unmarked with the lines +of care, which contract and deform the faces of their victims, “They +smile and smile, and murder while they smile.” They will explain +the fairness of the game, and tell you of the great losses they have +sustained; but as this is no place for explanation, we must look on and +say nothing.” + +By this time, Merrywell and Mortimer were mingled in the throng at the +table. Sparkle was engaged in conversation with an old acquaintance, a +profusion of money was flying about, and a large heap or bank was placed +in the centre. All was anxiety, and, for a few moments, no sound was +heard, but the awful numbers of the eventful dealer; every countenance +was hushed in expectation, and every eye was fixed upon the coming card, +which should decide the fate of hundreds. It was an awful moment to +every one engaged in the play; but the pause was succeeded with a sort +of harlequinade movement, to a scene of confusion and uproar scarcely to +be conceived. + +The appearance at the door of half a dozen persons armed with pistols, +rushing past the guardians, and bearing ~201~~away all before them, had +such an instantaneous effect upon the company, that they all arose, +as it were, to receive them, and the leader of the party threw himself +suddenly upon the pile of Bank-notes in the centre of the table, with +intent to seize the whole bank. + +Confusion and dismay were now visibly depicted on every countenance, for +some, actuated by desperation at the prospect of ruin, and others by the +urgings of avarice, determined to have a scramble for the notes, which +they commenced most furiously, each one securing as much as he could to +himself. There was tumbling and tossing, and pulling and shoving, mouths +stuffed with hundreds, hundreds of mouths that were supperless, and +likely to continue so, unless they could now make sure of something. +Bank paper was literally going for nothing. However, the pistols being +the most powerful, the armed forces succeeded in seizing the greatest +share of the stock, and a negative sort of silence was at length +restored. The party was materially decreased; for, seeing they were +betrayed, every one, after an endeavour to secure a share of the spoil, +deemed it necessary to make good his retreat; and among the rest, +our party, who had not interfered with the play, or assisted in the +entertainment, soon found themselves in the street. + +“Egad,” said Sparkle, “I think we are in luck to escape so easily; +we might have been compelled to make our appearance at Bow Street +to-morrow, an occurrence I would studiously avoid.” + +“Well done, old steady,” said Tom; “it is not long, you know, since you +was there, after a night's lodging in the neighbourhood.” + +“That was under very different circumstances,” continued Sparkle; “in +defence of a woman I would risk my life at any time, but I would by +no means incur the imputation of being a gambler--it is a character I +abhor. I have before said I would never venture into those dens again, +to herd with swindlers of all descriptions.” + +“They all seem gay fellows, too,” said Bob. + +“Yes,” replied Sparkle; “but the character and conduct of a young man +has ere now been altered in one night: the evil effects produced by +initiation to those Hells are incalculable.” + +“Moralizing at midnight,” said Tom; “an excellent title for a volume +_sparkling_ contemplations.” + +~202~~“To be written by the Hon. Tom Dashall, or the Merry Devil of +Piccadilly,” was the reply. + +“Huzza!” said Merrywell, “if this is the case, our time will not be lost +in this excursion. Did you hear that Lord ---- has been compelled to put +down his establishment in consequence of his losses at play? pray don't +forget to mention that in the work.” + +“Tis no new thing,” continued Sparkle, “for Lords of the present day, +since I believe there are few of the nobility who are not either Greeks +or Pigeons; indeed, the list of visitors to these places contains names +of many persons who should set better examples to the humbler classes of +the community; for the unfortunate results of this too fatal propensity +to parents and society have been severely felt. Among many instances +on record, a very interesting one is related of a young Subaltern in a +regiment of cavalry, who, by successive losses, was reduced to such a +state of distress, as to form the desperate resolution of trying the +road. In a moment of agony, he accidentally met with an opportunity +which seemed to favour his design, having learned that a certain +Baronet, recently returned from India with abundance of wealth, had laid +it out on landed estates in England, and that he would on a certain day +cross the country with a large sum of money, after collecting his rents. + +“He laid his plan for a meeting on a retired spot, and succeeded in +stopping the carriage--' Your money or your life,' said he, presenting +his pistol with a trembling hand. The Baronet, perceiving there was a +sort of gentlemanly air about him which indicated something more than +might be calculated on in the character of a highwayman, presented him +with his purse, a watch, and a valuable diamond ring, remarking, he +could not help conceiving that he was unaccustomed to the trade, and +that it was most desirable he should abandon it for ever. The +young Officer, though considerably confused and embarrassed by this +observation, was not to be disappointed of his booty, returned this +property, and demanded the larger sum, which for safety had been +concealed in the bottom of the carriage. The manner however in which +this was done, only served to confirm the suspicions of the Baronet, +which he could not help expressing, as he acknowledged the accuracy of +the Highwayman's information, and produced the property, observing, he +was sure that ~203~~circumstances of no common kind could have impelled +him to this flagrant breach of the laws. He asked as a favour, that he +would grant him an interview at some future period, pledging his honour +that he should have no occasion to repent such a singular mark of +confidence. + +“The Officer replied that he had, and he felt he could with safety +trust both his life and his honour in the veracity of Sir ----, and +appointed a meeting at the London Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, only +stipulating, that at such meeting both parties were to be unattended. +As the day of meeting approached, the Baronet thought seriously of the +solicited rencontre, and after enjoining perfect secresy on the part of +his friend, Col. ----, entreated him to be his companion. The Colonel +laughed at the idea, that any man who had robbed another should so +indiscreetly place his life in his hands, had no conception of his +keeping his appointment, and solemnly assured the Baronet that he would +in no case divulge who or what he was, that he might become acquainted +with. + +“The Colonel ridiculed his friend's credulity as they entered the house, +and were shewn to a private room. The appointed hour was eight in the +evening, and, as the clock of St. Paul's struck, a Gentleman inquiring +for Sir ---- was shewn into the room--wine was ordered, and for an hour +a general conversation on the popular topics of the day ensued, when the +Gentleman, evidently under deeply impressed feelings of embarrassment +and disappointment, in which the Colonel seemed to partake, arose, and +politely took his leave. + +“' Well,' said the Baronet, 'what think you of my Highwayman now 1--am I +not right?--is he not a gentleman?' + +“' And this is the robber, is it, Sir?' said the Colonel--'Be assured +he shall swing for it--why, Sir, I know him well, he is a ---- in my own +regiment.' + +“'Hold,' said the Baronet, 'don't be rash, remember the solemn promise +you have given, and do not deceive me--I hold you bound to me, and will +not permit you to break your engagement--I have better objects in view +than the death of a fellow-creature.' + +“He then requested to be informed of the general tenor of the young +man's conduct, which he found to be excellent, and that he was an +indefatigable officer--'Indeed,' said the Colonel, 'it would give me the +greatest ~204~~pain to lose him--an incomparably affectionate husband +and father. He has but one vice, to which may be attributed his +destruction, viz. his inordinate passion for gaming; but I cannot feel +justified in screening so flagrant an offender--the law must take its +course.' + +“'Moderate your indignation,' said the worthy Baronet, assuming a more +serious tone, 'and remember you must be personalty answerable to me for +any disclosure you may think proper to make; and that inasmuch as you +injure him, you must injure me. You have already given him so high a +character in every respect but one, that I must interest you further +in his behalf, and beg you to assist me in my endeavours to reclaim, +instead of punishing him.' + +“The Colonel was surprised; but the Baronet was inflexible. In vain +he urged that the magnitude of the crime utterly precluded such a +proceeding. + +“' It must be done,' said the Baronet, 'it shall be done. Leave all the +consequences to me; he has now left us in extreme, though suppressed +agitation--There is no time to lose--fly to save him.' + +“The Colonel expressed his readiness to try the experiment. + +“' Then,' said the Baronet, 'follow him immediately, assure him of +my forgiveness, and that if he will pledge his word to forsake this +dangerous vice, what he has already obtained he may hold as a gift, and +I will add whatever may be necessary to extricate him from any temporary +embarrassment.' + +“It was an important embassy--life or death was to be decided by it. The +Colonel took his departure, certain of finding him at home taking leave +of his family, and, reaching his habitation a short time after his +arrival, witnessed a scene of misery which, although he had partly +anticipated, he could not have conceived. He found him, surrounded by +his wife and children, in an agony of desperation and despair. + +“When he entered the apartment, the poor culprit, convinced by the +presence of his Colonel that all was lost, fell on his knees, and +supplicated if possible that his fame, not his life, might be spared for +the sake of his afflicted but innocent and injured family. Language has +no power to describe the surprise and consternation with which, after a +severe lecture, he received the joyful intelligence of ~205~~which +his Colonel was the bearer. He returned with his Commanding Officer +to ---- Square, where he was received by the Baronet as a repentant +friend; and has lived to repair his error, and become deservedly +distinguished as an ornament to society, civil and religious as well as +military.” + +“That must be truly gratifying to the worthy Baronet,{1}' said Tom. + +“No doubt of it,” continued Sparkle, “it must be a source of continued +pleasure to find his labours have had so beneficial a result, having in +all probability saved a whole family from destruction. Surely it may be +said, that + + “Among the idiot pranks of Wealth's abuse, + None seem so monstrous, none have less excuse, + Than those which throw an heritage away + Upon the lawless chance of desperate play; + Nor is there among knaves a wretch more base + Than he who steals it with a smiling face, + Who makes diversion to destruction tend, + And thrives upon the ruin of a friend.” + +--“Yet the Greek, like the swindler{l} and the horse jockey, + + 1 Swindler--Is a term originally derived from the German, + Schwindel, which signifies merely to cheat. It was first + introduced as a cant term, and used to signify obtaining of + goods, credit, or money, under false pretences. It has since + had a legislative adoption, being parliamentary recognised + by an Act for the prevention of it. The artifices, schemes, + and crimes, resorted to by these gentry, are so numerous, + that it would be impossible to describe them all. One mode + of practice, however, is not uncommon in London. + + Three or four swell Jews contrive to hire a large house with + some spare rooms, in the City, that are turned into + warehouses, in which are a number of casks, boxes, &e. + filled with sand; and also a quantity of large sugar-loaves + in appearance, which are only clay done up in blue paper, + but corded and made up with great nicety. + + An elegant Counting-house is likewise furnished with books + and other apparatus, to deceive the eye and give the + appearance of extensive business, great regularity, and + large property. The Clerks in attendance are a set of Jews, + who are privy to the scheme, and equally ready at fraud as + those who profess to be the Principals. + + A Dining-room elegantly furnished upon the _mace_,* receives + you + + * The Mace--Is a person who carries all the appearance of a + great and rich man, with servants, carriages, &c. for the + purpose of defrauding tradesmen and others, by all manner of + plans most calculated to entrap the parties they intend to + dupe. + + whenever it is necessary to admit of your visits; a Black + Servant opens the street-door, and the foot of the stair- + case presents surtouts, boots, livery-cloths, a large blue + coat with a yellow cape, and habiliments in which the + opulent! array their servants. With these and similar + merchant-like appearances Trade is commenced, and persons + dispatched to provincial manufacturing towns, to buy various + articles; for the amount of the first purchases, bills are + drawn upon the Firm, and even before the goods are pack'd + up, and sent according to order, the acceptances are paid, + and, by this means, credit is partly established, which, + once accomplished, they are in want of large assortments for + exportation upon credit, at one, two, and three months. The + goods are accordingly chosen and forwarded to their + associates in London, where they are immediately disposed + of at 20 or 30 per cent, cheaper than the prime cost, and + the money realised. The first bills become due, are noted, + and protested. The second are presented, but the House has + stopped payment, and the Owners are bankrupts. By the time + the third month's bills become due, the docket is struck, + the Assignees chosen, and there is not sixpence in the pound + left for the Creditors. Petitions are ineffectually + presented to the Chancellor, for a number of fictitious + Creditors, of the same profession and persuasion, over-swear + the just ones, and by exceeding them in number and value, + the House obtains its certificate, and has again the power + of committing similar depredations. + + Perhaps the most daring and systematic proceeding of this + kind was that lately detected in the conspiracy of Mosely + Wolfe and his confederates, for which he is now suffering + the sentence of the law. + +~206~~prides himself on his success, boasts of his being _down as a +nail_, and--” + +“_Down as a nail!_” said Bob, “I don't remember hearing that expression +before.” + +“_Down as a hammer, or Down as a nail_” continued Sparkle, “are cant or +slang terms made use of among gamblers, and are synonimous with being +up; and it must be confessed that there are many ups and downs amongst +them. These flash words are well understood by many a young Greek, who +perhaps knows nothing of the Greek Testament, although the use of them +has proved in some cases beyond the comprehension of a Judge. Hence the +necessity of knowing Life; for if a man gets familiarized with low life, +he will necessarily be up, and consequently stand a great chance of +being a rising genius. How proper it must be to know how to get a rise +upon a fellow, or, in other words, to get him in a line! + +“A learned Judge once, examining a queer covy, a flash customer, or a +rum fellow, asked him his reason for suspecting the prisoner at the +bar of stealing a watch, (which among the lads is scientifically +termed nimming a toiler, or ~207~~nabbing a clicker,) replied as +follows:--'Why, your honour, only because you see as how I was up to +him.'--'How do you mean, what is being up to him? '--' Why, bless your +heart, I was down upon him, and had him bang.' But still perceiving the +learned Gentleman's want of nous, he endeavoured to explain by saying, +That he was _up to his gossip_,--that he stagged him, for he was not +to be done--that he knew the trick, and was up the moment the chap +came into the Cock and Hen Club, where he was tucking in his grub and +bub.--Had the learned Judge been up himself, much time and trouble might +have been saved; and indeed the importance of being down as a nail, to a +man of fashion, is almost incalculable; for this reason it is, that men +of high spirit think it no derogation from their dignity or rank, to be +well acquainted with all the slang of the coachman and stable-boy, +all the glossary of the Fancy, and all the mysterious language of +the scamps, the pads, the divers, and all upon the lay, which, by an +attentive and apt scholar, may easily be procured at a Gaming-house. + +“Of Hells in general, it may fairly be asserted, that they are +infernally productive; no other line of business can be compared to +these money mills, since they are all thriving concerns, the proprietors +of which keep their country houses, extensive establishments, dashing +equipages; and + + “While they have money they ride it in chaises. + And look very big upon those that have none.” + +“It certainly is a pity that men do not keep constantly in their +recollection, that no calculation of chances can avail them, and that +between the après, the limitation of stakes, and other manouvres, the +table must eventually be an immense winner. + +“For Greeks stick at nothing to gain their own ends, And they sacrifice +all their acquaintance and friends; + + And thus luckless P'----n, to gain what he'd lost, + +Put his faith in a Greek, which he knows to his cost; Join'd a bank, as +he thought, when the sly Greeking elf Of a friend soon contriv'd for +to break it himself. You credulous pigeons! I would have you beware, Of +falling yourselves in a similar snare.” + +“We ought to consider ourselves greatly obliged,” said Merry well, “for +the accurate description of characters ~208~~you have given. But have +you heard the report that is now in circulation, that a certain +Marquis of high military celebrity, and whose property is, or was, very +considerable, has lost almost his last shilling?” + +“I,” said Sparkle, “am seldom surprised at such rumours, particularly of +persons who are known to be players, for they are rich and poor in rapid +succession; but if there be any truth in the report, there is a fine +example of perseverance before him--for Lord ----, after a long run of +ill-luck, being refused the loan of an additional rouleau,{1} on +account of his score being rather long, left the company in dudgeon, and +determining on revenge, actually opened another Hell in opposition to +the one he had left, and by that means recovered all his money.” + +“That was well done,” rejoined Tallyho. + +“It was rather too much of a trading concern for a Lord,” said Tom. + +“Not for a gambling Lord,” replied Merry well; “for there is in fact +nothing beneath a Greek, in the way of play: besides, it was a trying +situation, and required some desperate attempt--they care not who they +associate with, so they do but bring grist to the mill.” + +“The confusion of persons and characters at a Gaming-house,” said +Sparkle, “are almost incredible, all ranks and descriptions are mingled +together. + +“What confusion of titles and persons we see Amongst Gamesters, who +spring out of every degree, From the prince to the pauper; all panting +for play, Their fortune, their time, and their life pass away; Just as +mingled are Pigeons, for 'tis no rebuke For a Greek to pluck all, from a +Groom to a Duke.” + +“It is too true,” said Dashall, “and equally as certain, that there are +continually new comers ready and willing to be duped, or at least ready +to risk their property, notwithstanding the warnings they have from +their more experienced friends.” + +“And is there no possibility of obtaining fair play?” inquired Bob, “or +redress for being pigeon'd, as you term it?” + + 1 A Rouleau--Is a packet containing one hundred guineas; but + as guineas are not quite so fashionable in the present day + as they formerly were, some of these Houses, for the + accommodation of their customers, circulate guinea-notes + upon their bankers. + +~209~~“None,” said Sparkle; “for if men will play at bowls, they must +expect rubbers; and the system of confederacy is carried on every where, +though perhaps with most success in those professed Gambling-houses, +which young men of property ought carefully to avoid.” + +By this time they had reached the end of St. James's Street; it was +therefore proposed by Sparkle that they should separate, particularly +as it was growing late, or rather early in the morning; and, as they had +been in some degree baffled in their attempt to take a minute survey +of the proceedings in Pall Mall, they had no decided object in +view. Accordingly they parted, Tom and Bob pursuing their way along +Piccadilly, while Sparkle, Merrywell, and Mortimer, proceeded down Bond +Street. + +“I am by no means satisfied,” said Tom, “with this evening's ramble, nor +exactly pleased to find our friend Sparkle is getting so sentimental.” + +“He is, at least,” said Tallyho, “very communicative and instructive--I +should feel less embarrassment at a future visit to one of those +places, though, I can assure you, I should carefully avoid the chance of +becoming a pigeon; but to know these things is certainly useful.” + +“We must lay our plans better for the future,” said Tom--“example is +better than precept; and, as for Sparkle, I strongly suspect he is +studying a part in All for Love, or the World well lost. That kind of +study is too laborious for me, I can't bear to be fettered; or if it be +true that it is what we must all come to, my time is not yet arrived. +Though I confess Miss Mortimer has many attractions not to be overlooked +by an attentive observer; at the same time I perceive this Mr. Merrywell +is equally assiduous to obtain the young lady's favours.” + +By this time they had arrived at home, where, after partaking of +refreshment, they retired to rest.~210~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + “Cataracts of declamation thunder here, + There, forests of no meaning spread the page, + In which all comprehension wanders, lost, + While fields of pleasantry amuse us there + With many descants on a nation's woes. + The rest appears a wilderness of strange, + But gay confusion--roses for the cheeks, + And lilies for the brows of faded age; + Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald, + Heav'n, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets; + Nectareous essences, Olympian dews, + Sermons and City feasts, and fav'rite airs, + Ethereal journeys, submarine exploits, + And Katerfelto with his hair on end, + At his own wonders wond'ring for his bread.” + +“WELL,” said Tom, “it must be confessed that a Newspaper is a most +convenient and agreeable companion to the breakfast-table,” laying +down the _Times_ as he spoke: “it is a sort of literary hotch-potch, +calculated to afford amusement suited to all tastes, rank-, and degrees; +it contains + + “Tales of love and maids mistaken, + Of battles fought, and captives taken.” + +“Then, I presume,” said Bob, “you have been gratified and interested in +the perusal?” + +“It is impossible to look down the columns of a newspaper,” replied Tom, +“without finding subjects to impart light; and of all the journals +of the present day, the _Times_ appears to me the best in point of +information and conduct; but I spoke of newspapers generally, there +is such a mixture of the _utile et dulce_, that the Merchant and the +Mechanic, the Peer, the Poet, the Prelate, and the Peasant, are all +deeply concerned in its contents. In truth, a newspaper is so true a +mark of the caprice of Englishmen, that it may justly be styled their +coat of ~211~~arms. The Turkish Koran is not near so sacred to a +rigid Mahometan--a parish-dinner to an Overseer--a turtle-feast to an +Alderman, or an election to a Freeholder, as a Gazette or Newspaper to +an Englishman: by it the motions of the world are watched, and in some +degree governed--the arts and sciences protected and promoted--the +virtuous supported and stimulated--the vicious reproved and +corrected--and all informed.” + +“Consequently,” said Bob, “a good Newspaper is really a valuable +article.” + +“Doubtless,” continued Tom; “and John Bull--mistake me not, I don't +mean the paper which bears that title--I mean the population of England, +enjoy a Newspaper, and there are some who could not relish their +breakfasts without one; it is a sort of general sauce to every thing, +and to the _quid nunc_ is indispensable--for if one informs him of a +naval armament, he will not fail to toast the Admirals all round in pint +bumpers to each, wishes them success, gets drunk with excessive loyalty, +and goes with his head full of seventy-fours, sixty-fours, frigates, +transports, fire-ships, &c. In its diversified pages, persons of every +rank, denomination, and pursuit, may be informed--the Philosopher, the +Politician, the Citizen, the Handicraftsman, and the Gossip, are regaled +by the novelty of its contents, the minuteness of its details, and the +refreshing arrivals of transactions which occupy the attention of human +beings at the greatest or nearest distances from us-- + + “----a messenger of grief + Perhaps to thousands, and of joy to some: + What is it but a map of life, + Its fluctuations and its vast concerns?” + +It may with propriety be compared to the planetary system: the light +which it diffuses round the mental hemisphere, operates according as +it is seen, felt, understood, or enjoyed: for instance, the Miser +is gladdened by an account of the rise of the stocks--the Mariner +is rejoiced, at the safety of his vessel after a thunder-storm--the +Manufacturer, to hear of the revival of foreign markets--the Merchant, +that his cargo is safely arrived--the Member, that his election is +secured--the Father, that his son is walling to return home--the +Poet, that ~212~~his production has been favourably received by the +public--the Physician, that a difficult cure is transmitting his fame +to posterity--the Actor, that his talents are duly appreciated--the +Agriculturist, that grain fetches a good price--the upright man, that +his character is defended--the poor man, that beer, meat, bread, and +vegetables, are so within his reach that he can assure himself of being +able to obtain a good Sunday's dinner. + +“Tho' they differ in narrie, all alike, just the same, Morning +Chronicle, Times, Advertiser, British Press, Morning Post, of News--what +a host We read every day, and grow wiser; The Examiner, Whig--all alive +to the gig, While each one his favourite chooses; Star, Traveller, and +Sun, to keep up the fun, And tell all the world what the news is.” + +“Well done,” said Bob, “you seem to have them all at your tongue's end, +and their general contents in your head; but, for my part, I am struck +with surprise to know how it is they find interesting matter enough at +all times to fill their columns.” + +“Nothing more easy,” continued Dashall, “especially for a newspaper +whose contents are not sanctioned by authority; in which case they are +so much the more the receptacle of invention--thence--We hear--it is +said--a correspondent remarks--whereas, &c--all which serve to please, +surprise, and inform. We hear, can alter a man's face as the weather +would a barometer--It is said, can distort another like a fit of the +spasm--If, can make some cry--while Suppose, can make others laugh--but +a Whereas operates like an electric shock; and though it often runs the +extremity of the kingdom in unison with the rest, they altogether form +a very agreeable mixture, occasionally interspersed, as opportunity +offers, with long extracts from the last published novel, and an +account of the prevailing fashions. But domestic occurrences form a very +essential part of this folio: thus, a marriage hurts an old maid and +mortifies a young one, while it consoles many a poor dejected husband, +who is secretly pleased to find another fallen into his case--a death, +if of a wife, makes husbands envy the widower, while, perhaps, some one +of the women who censure his alleged want of ~213~~decent sorrow, marry +him within a month after--in fact, every person is put in motion by a +Newspaper. + + “Here various news is found, of love and strife; + Of peace and war, health, sickness, death, and life; + Of loss and gain, of famine and of store; + Of storms at sea, and travels on the shore; + Of prodigies and portents seen in air; + Of fires and plagues, and stars with blazing hair; + Of turns of fortune, changes in the state, + The falls of favourites, projects of the great.” + +“It is a bill of fare, containing all the luxuries as well as +necessaries, of life. Politics, for instance, are the roast beef of the +times; essays, the plum pudding; and poetry the fritters, confections, +custards, and all the _et cotera_ of the table, usually denominated +trifles. Yet the four winds are not liable to more mutability than +the vehicles of these entertainments; for instance, on Monday, it +is whispered--on Tuesday, it is rumoured--on Wednesday, it is +conjectured--on Thursday, it is probable--on Friday, it is positively +asserted--and, on Saturday, it is premature. But notwithstanding this, +some how or other, all are eventually pleased; for, as the affections +of all are divided among wit, anecdote, poetry, prices of stocks, the +arrival of ships, &c. a Newspaper is a repository where every one has +his hobby-horse; without it, coffee-houses, &c. would be depopulated, +and the country squire, the curate, the exciseman, and the barber, and +many others, would lose those golden opportunities of appearing so very +wise as they do. + +A Newspaper may also be compared to the Seasons. Its information varies +on the roll of Time, and much of it passes away as a Winter, giving many +a bitter pang of the death of a relative or hopeful lover; it is as a +Spring, for, in the time of war and civil commotion, its luminary, the +editor, like the morning sun, leads Hope forward to milder days and +happier prospects--the smiles of peace; it is the heart's Summer +calendar, giving news of marriages and births for heirs and patrons; +it is the Autumn of joy, giving accounts of plenty, and guarding the +avaricious against the snares of self-love, and offering arguments in +favour of humanity. It is more; a Newspaper is one of the most faithful +lessons that can be represented to our reflections, for, while it is the +interpreter ~214~of the general economy of nature, it is a most kind and +able instructress to improve ourselves. + +What are our lives but as the ephemeral appearance of an advertisement? +Our actions but as the actions of a popular contest? Our hopes, fears, +exultations, but as the cross readings of diurnal events? And although +grief is felt at the perusal of accidents, offences, and crimes, which +are necessarily and judiciously given, there is in every good Newspaper +an impartial record, an abstract of the times, a vast fund of useful +knowledge; and, finally, no person has reason, after perusing it, to +rise without being thankful that so useful a medium is offered to his +understanding; at least, this is my opinion.” + +“And now you have favoured me with this opinion,” rejoined Tallyho, +“will you be kind enough to inform me to what fortunate circumstance I +am indebted for it?” + +“The question comes very apropos,” continued Tom--“for I had nearly +forgotten that circumstance, so that you may perhaps be inclined to +compare my head to a newspaper, constantly varying from subject to +subject; but no matter, a novelty has just struck my eye, which I +think will afford us much gratification: it is the announcement of +an exhibition of engravings by living artists, under the immediate +patronage of his Majesty, recently opened in Soho Square, through the +public spirited exertions of Mr. Cooke, a celebrated engraver--And now +I think of it, Mortimer and his Sister intend visiting Somerset +House--egad! we will make a morning of it in reviewing the Arts--what +say you?” + +“With all my heart,” returned Bob. + +“Be it so, then,” said Tom--“So-ho, my boy--perhaps we may meet the +love-sick youth, poor Sparkle; he has certainly received the wound of +the blind urchin--I believe we must pity him--but come, let us prepare, +we will lounge away an hour in walking down Bond Street--peep at the +wags and the wag-tails, and take Soho Square in our way to Somerset +House. I feel myself just in the humour for a bit of gig, and 1 promise +you we will make a night of it.” + +The preliminaries of their route being thus arranged, in half an hour +they were on their road down Bond Street, marking and remarking upon +circumstances and subjects as they arose. + +“Who is that Lady?” said Bob, seeing Tom bow as a dashing carriage passed +them. + +“That is a Lady Townley, according to the generally + +received term.” + +“A lady of title, as I suspected,” said Bob. + +“Yes, yes,” replied Tom Dashall, “a distinguished personage, I can +assure you--one of the most dashing demireps of the present day, basking +at this moment in the plenitude of her good fortune. She is however +deserving of a better fate: well educated and brought up, she was early +initiated into the mysteries and miseries of high life. You seem to +wonder at the title I have given her.” + +“I am astonished again, I confess,” replied Bob; “but it appears there +is no end to wonders in London--nor can I guess how you so accurately +know them.” + +“Along residence in London affords opportunities for + +discovery. + +“As the French very justly say, that _Il n'y a que le premier pas qui +coûte_, and just as, with all the sapience of medicine, there is but +a degree betwixt the Doctor and the Student, so, after the first step, +there is but a degree betwixt the Demirep and the gazetted Cyprian, who +is known by head-mark to every insipid Amateur and Fancier in the town. + +“The number of these frail ones is so great, that, if I were to attempt +to go through the shades and gradations, the distinctions and titles, +from the promiscuous Duchess to the interested Marchande de mode, and +from her down to the Wood Nymphs of the English Opera, there would +be such a longo ordine génies, that although it is a very interesting +subject, well worthy of investigation, it would occupy a considerable +portion of time; however, I will give you a slight sketch of some +well known and very topping articles. Mrs. B----m, commonly called +B----g, Mrs. P----n, and Mrs. H----d, of various life. “The modern +Pyrrha, B----g, has a train as long as an eastern monarch, but it is +a train of lovers. The Honourable B---- C----n, that famous gentleman +miller, had the honour at one time (like Cromwell,) of being the +Protector of the Republic. The infamous Greek, bully, informer and +reprobate W----ce, was her accomplice and paramour at another. Lord +V----l boasted her favours at a third period; and she wished to look +upon him in a fatherly ~216~~light; but it would not do. Mr. C. T. S. +the nephew of a great naval character, is supposed to have a greater +or prior claim there; but the piebald harlequin is owned not by “Light +horse, but by heavy.” + +“Mr. P----y, however, was so struck with the increased + +attractions of this Cyprian, that he offered to be her protector during +a confinement which may be alarming to many, but interesting to a few. +This was being doubly diligent, and accordingly as it was two to one in +his favour, no wonder he succeeded in his suit. The difficulties which +Madame laboured under were sufficient to decide her in this youth's +favour; and the preference, upon such an occasion, must have been highly +flattering to him. On the score of difficulties, Cyprians are quite in +fashion; for executions and arrests are very usual in their mansions, +and the last comer has the exquisite felicity of relieving them. + +“Although this dashing Lady was the daughter of a bathing woman at +Brighton, she was not enabled to keep her head above water. + +“I must not forget Poll P----n, whose select friends have such cause +to be proud of lier election. This Diana is not descended from a member +of the Rump Parliament, nor from a bum bailiff; but was the daughter +of a bumboat woman at Plymouth. She has, however, since that period, +commenced business for herself; and that in such a respectable and +extensive line, that she counts exactly seven thousand customers! all +regularly booked. What a delectable amusement to keep such a register! +_Neanmoins_, or _nean plus_, if you like. It is reported that the noble +Y---- was so delighted with her at the Venetian fête given by Messrs. +W--ll--ms and D--h--r--ty, that he gave the Virgin Unmasked several very +valuable presents, item, a shawl value one hundred guineas, &c. and +was honoured by being put on this Prime Minister of the Court of Love's +list--number Seven thousand and one! What a fortunate man! + +“Mrs. H----d is lineally descended, not from William the Conqueror, +but from W----s the coachman. She lived, for a considerable time, in +a mews, and it was thought that it was his love for the _Muses_ which +attached C---- L---- so closely to her. She was seduced at a most +indelicately juvenile age by a Major M----l, who protected her but +a short time, and then deserted her. Then ~217~~she became what the +Cyprians term Lady Townly, till Mr. H----d, a youth with considerable +West India property in expectation, married her. + +“On this happy occasion, her hymeneal flame burned with so much warmth +and purity, that she shared it with a linen-draper, and the circumstance +became almost immediately known to the husband! This was a happy +presage of future connubial felicity! The very day before this domestic +exposure, and the happy vigil of Mr. H----d's happier “_jour des +noces_,” the darling of the Muses or Mewses, Mr. L---- procured Lady +H----d's private box for her at one of the theatres, whither she and +Mrs. CI----y, the mistress of an officer of that name, repaired in the +carriage of the Mews lover, which has become completely “the Demirep or +Cyprian's Diligence,” and these patterns for the fair sex had poured out +such plentiful libations to Bacchus, that her ladyship's box exhibited +the effects of their devotions! What a regale for the Princess of +Madagascar! + +“The guardians, or trustees, of Mr. H----d now withheld his property, +and Madame assisted him into the King's Bench, during which time she +kept terms with Mr. L---- at Oxford. On her return, she got acquainted +with a Capt. Cr----ks, whom she contrived soon afterwards to lodge, in +the next room to her husband, in the Bench; but to whom she kindly gave +the preference in her visits. + +“Whether C---- L----, W--lk--s the linen-draper, or Capt. C----k, +be the most favoured swain, or swine, I venture not to say; but the +former has devoted his time, his chariot, and his female acquaintances' +boxes in public to her. As a pledge of his love, she helped herself to +a loose picture of great value belonging to him, which very nearly fell +into the hands of John Doe or Richard Roe, on her husband's account, +afterwards. The palm should, however, certainly be given to Mr. L----, +as he courted her classically, moralized to her sentimentally, sung +psalms and prayed with her fervently, and, on all occasions, treated her +like a lady.” + +“Ha,” said a fashionably dressed young man, who approached towards +Dashall, “Ha, my dear fellow, how goes it with you? Haven't seen +you this month; d----d unlucky circumstance--wanted you very much +indeed--glorious sport--_all jolly and bang up_.” ~218~~“Glad to hear +it,” said Tom,--“sorry you should have experienced any wants on my +account.” + +“Which way are you going? Come along, I'll tell you of such a +spree--regular, and nothing but--You must know, a few days ago, +sauntering down Bond-street, I overtook Sir G. W. 'Ha! my gay fellow,' +said he, 'I thought you were at Bibury; you're the very man I want. My +brother Jack has lost a rump and dozen to a young one, and we want to +make up a select party, a set of real hardheaded fellows, to share +the feast. I have already recruited Sir M. M., the buck Parson, Lord +Lavender, and Tom Shuffleton. Then there's yourself, I hope, my brother +and I, the young one, and A----'s deputy, the reprobate Curate, whom +we will have to make fun of. We dine at half-past seven, at Long's, and +there will be some sport, I assure you.' + +“I accepted the invitation, and met the company before mentioned. A +rump and dozen is always a nominal thing. There was no rump, except +Lavender's, which projects like a female's from the bottom of a +tight-laced pair of stays; and as for the dozen, I believe we drank +nearer three dozen of different expensive wines, which were tasted one +after the other with a quickness of succession, which at last left no +taste, but a taste for more drink, and for all sorts of wickedness. + +“This tasting plan is a very successful trick of tavern keepers, which +enables them to carry off half bottles of wine, to swell the reckoning +most amazingly, and so to bewilder people as to the qualities of the +wine, that any thing, provided it be strong and not acid, will go down +at the heel of the evening. It is also a grand manouvre; to intoxicate +a Johnny Raw, and to astonish his weak mind with admiration for the +founder of the feast. Therefore, the old trick of 'I have got some +particularly high-flavoured Burgundy, which Lord Lavender very much +approved t'other day;' and, 'Might I, Sir, ask your opinion of a new +importation of Sillery?' or, 'My Lord, 1 have bought all the Nabob's +East India Madeira,' &c. was successfully practised. + +“Through the first course we were stag-hunting, to a man, and killed +the stag just as the second course came on the table. This course was +occupied by a great number of long shots of Sir M. M., and by Lavender +offering to back himself and the buck Parson against any other two +~219~~men in England, as to the number of head of game which they would +bag from sun-rise to sun-set upon the moors. A foot race, and a dispute +as to the odds betted on the second October Meeting, occupied the +third course. The desert was enlivened by a list of ladies of all +descriptions, whose characters were cut up full as ably as the haunch of +venison was carved; and here boasting of success in love was as general +as the custom is base. One man of fashion goes by the name of Kiss and +tell. + +“After an hour of hard drinking, as though it had been for a wager, a +number of very manly, nice little innocent and instructive amusements +were resorted to. We had a most excellent maggot race for a hundred; and +then a handycap for a future poney race. We had pitching a guinea into a +decanter, at which the young one lost considerably. We had a raffle +for a gold snuff box, a challenge of fifty against Lord Lavender's +Dusseldorf Pipe, and five hundred betted upon the number of shot to be +put into a Joe Manton Rifle. We played at _te-to-tum_; and the young +one leaped over a handkerchief six feet high for a wager: he performed +extremely well at first, but at last Lavender, who betted against him, +kept plying him so with wine, and daring him to an inch higher and +higher, until at last the young one broke his nose, and lost five +hundred guineas by his boyish diversion. + +Now we had a fulminating letter introduced as a hoax upon Shuffleton; +next, devils and broiled bones; then some blasphemous songs from the +Curate, who afterwards fell asleep, and thus furnished an opportunity +for having his face blacked. We then got in a band of itinerant +musicians; put crackers in their pockets; cut off one fellow's tail; and +had a milling match betwixt the baronet in the chair and the stoutest of +them, who, having had spirits of wine poured over his head, refused to +let the candle be put to it! + +Peace being restored, a regular supper appeared; and then a regular +set-to at play, where I perceived divers signals thrown out, such as +rubbing of foreheads and chins, taking two pinches of snuff and other +private telegraphic communications, the result of which was, the young +one, just of age, being greeked to a very great amount. + +We now sallied forth, like a pack in full cry, with all the loud +expression of mirth and riot, and proceeded to 220~~old 77, which, being +shut up, we swore like troopers, and broke the parlour windows in a +rage. We next cut the traces of a hackney coach, and led the horses into +a mews, ?where we tied them up; coachee being asleep inside the whole +time. We then proceeded to old _Ham-a-dry-ed_, the bacon man's, called +out Fire, and got the old man down to the door in his shirt, when +Lavender ran away with his night-cap, and threw it into the water in +St. James's Square, whilst the Baronet put it in right and left at his +sconce, and told him to hide his d----d ugly masard. This induced him +to come out and call the Watch, during which time the buck Parson got +into his house, and was very snug with the cook wench until the next +evening, when _old fusty mug_ went out upon business. + +After giving a view holloa! we ran off, with the Charleys in full cry +after us, when Sir G. W., who had purposely provided himself with a long +cord, gave me one end, and ran to the opposite side of Jermyn Street +with the other in his hand, holding it about two feet from the pavement. +The old Scouts came up in droves, and we had 'em down in a moment, for +every mother's son of the guardians were caught in the trap, and rolled +over each other slap into the kennel. Never was such a prime bit of gig! +They lay stunn'd with the fall--broken lanterns, staves, rattles, Welsh +wigs, night-caps and old hats, were scattered about in abundance, while +grunting, growling, and swearing was heard in all directions. One +old buck got his jaw-bone broken; another staved in two of his crazy +timbers, that is to say, broke a couple of ribs; a third bled from the +nose like a pig; a fourth squinted admirably from a pair of painted +peepers; their numbers however increasing, we divided our forces and +marched in opposite directions; one party sallied along Bond Street, +nailed up a snoosy Charley in his box, and bolted with his lantern: the +others were not so fortunate, for A----'s deputy cushion thumper, the +young one, and the Baronet's brother, got safely lodged in St. James's +Watch-house. + +“Broad daylight now glar'd upon us--Lavender retired comfortably upon +Madame la Comtesse in the Bench; Sir M. M. was found chanting Cannons +with some Wood nymphs not an hundred and fifty miles off from Leicester +Square; I had the President to carry home on my shoulders, bundled +to bed, and there I lay sick for four and twenty hours, when a little +inspiring Coniac brought ~221~~me to my senses again, and now I am ready +and ripe for another spree. Stap my vitals if there isn't Lavender--my +dear fellow, adieu--remember me to Charley Sparkle when you see him--by, +by.” And with this he sprung across the road, leaving Bob and his Cousin +to comment at leisure upon his folly. + +They were however soon aroused from their reflections by perceiving a +Groom in livery advancing rapidly towards them, followed by a curricle, +moving at the rate of full nine miles per hour. + +“Who have we here?” said Bob. + +“A character well known,” said Tom; “that is Lady L----, a dashing +female whip of the first order--mark how she manages her tits--take a +peep at her costume and learn while you look.” + +“More than one steed must Delia's empire feel Who sits triumphant o'er +the flying wheel; And as she guides it through th' admiring throng, With +what an air she smacks the silken thong!” + +The Lady had a small round riding-hat, of black beaver, and sat in the +true attitude of a coachman--wrists pliant, elbows square, she handled +her whip in a scientific manner; and had not Tom declared her sex, Bob +would hardly have discovered it from her outward appearance. She was +approaching them at a brisk trot, greeting her numerous acquaintance as +she passed with familiar nods, at each giving her horses an additional +touch, and pursing up her lips to accelerate their speed; indeed, she +was so intent upon the management of her reins, and her eyes so fixed +upon her cattle, that there was no time for more than a sort of sidelong +glance of recognition; and every additional smack of the whip seem'd to +say, “_Here I come--that's your sort_.” Her whole manner indeed was +very similar to what may be witnessed in Stage-coachmen, Hackneymen, +and fashionable Ruffians, who appear to think that all merit consists in +copying them when they tip a brother whip the go-by, or almost graze the +wheel of a Johnny-raw, and turn round with a grin of self-approbation, +as much as to say--“_What d'ye think of that now, eh f--there's a touch +for you--lord, what a flat you must be!_” + +Bob gazed with wonder and astonishment as she passed. + +“How?” said he, “do the ladies of London frequently take the whip?--” + +~222~~”--Hand of their husbands as well as their horses,” replied +Tom--“often enough, be assured.” + +“But how, in the name of wonder, do they learn to drive in this style?” + +“Easily enough; inclination and determination will accomplish their +objects. Why, among the softer sex, we have female Anatomists--female +Students in Natural History--Sculptors, and Mechanics of all +descriptions--Shoe-makers and Match-makers--and why not Charioteers?” + +“Nay, I am not asking why; but as it appears rather out of the common +way, I confess my ignorance has excited my curiosity on a subject which +seems somewhat out of nature.” + +“I have before told you, Nature has nothing to do with Real Life in +London.” + +“And yet,” continued Bob, “we are told, and I cannot help confessing the +truth of the assertion, with respect to the ladies, that + + “----Loveliness + Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, + But is, when unadorned, adorn'd the most,” + This certainly implies a natural or native grace.” + +“Pshaw,” said Dashall, “that was according to the Old school; such +doctrines are completely exploded now-a-days, for Fashion is at variance +with Nature in all her walks; hence, driving is considered one of the +accomplishments necessary to be acquired by the female sex in high life, +by which an estimate of character may be formed: for instance--if a lady +take the reins of her husband, her brother, or a lover, it is strongly +indicative of assuming the mastery; but should she have no courage or +muscular strength, and pays no attention to the art of governing and +guiding her cattle, it is plain that she will become no driver, no whip, +and may daily run the risk of breaking the necks of herself and friends. +If however she should excel in this study, she immediately becomes +masculine and severe, and she punishes, when occasion requires, every +animal within the reach of her lash--acquires an ungraceful attitude and +manner--heats her complexion by over exertion--sacrifices her softness +to accomplish her intentions--runs a risk of having hard hands, and +perhaps a hard heart: at all events she gains unfeminine habits, and +~223~~such as are found very difficult to get rid of, and prides herself +on being the go, the gaze, the gape, the stare of all who see her.” + +“A very admirable, and no doubt equally happy state,” quoth Bob, half +interrupting him. + +“If she learn the art of driving from the family coachman, it cannot +be doubted but such tuition is more than likely to give her additional +grace, and to teach her all that is polite; and then the pleasure of +such company whilst superintending her studies, must tend to improve her +mind; the freedom of these teachers of coachmanship, and the language +peculiar to themselves, at first perhaps not altogether agreeable, is +gradually worn away by the pride of becoming an accomplished whip--to +know how to _turn a corner in style--tickle Snarler in the ear--cut up +the yelper--take out a fly's eye in bang-up twig_.” + +“Excellent! indeed,” cried Bob, charmed with Dashall's irony, and +willing to provoke it farther; “and pray, when this art of driving +is thoroughly learned, what does it tend to but a waste of time, a +masculine enjoyment, and a loss of feminine character--of that sweet, +soft and overpowering submission to and reliance on the other sex, +which, whilst it demands our protection and assistance, arouses our +dearest sympathies--our best interests--attaches, enraptures, and +subdues us?” + +“Nonsense,” continued Tom, “you might ask such questions for a +month--who cares about these submissions and reliances--protections and +sympathies--they are not known, at least it is very unfashionable to +acknowledge their existence. Why I have known ladies so infatuated and +affected by an inordinate love of charioteering, that it has completely +altered them, not only as to dress, but manners and feeling, till +at length they have become more at home in the stable than the +drawing-room; and some, that are so different when dressed for dinner, +that the driving habiliments appear like complete masquerade disguises. +Indeed, any thing that is natural is considered quite out of nature; and +this affectation is not wholly confined to the higher circles, for in +the City even the men and the women seem to have changed places. + + “Man-milliners and mantua-makers swarm + With clumsy hands to deck the female form-- + With brawny limbs to fit fine ladies' shapes, + Or measure out their ribbons, lace and tapes; + Or their rude eye the bosom's swell surveys, + To cut out corsets or to stitch their stays; + Or making essences and soft perfume, + Or paint, to give the pallid cheek fresh bloom; + Or with hot irons, combs, and frizzling skill, + On ladies' heads their daily task fulfil; + Or, deeply versed in culinary arts, + Are kneading pasty, making pies and tarts; + Or, clad in motley coat, the footman neat + Is dangling after Miss with shuffling feet, + Bearing in state to church her book of pray'r, + Or the light pocket she disdains to wear;{1} + Or in a parlour snug, 'the powdered lout + The tea and bread and butter hands about. + Where are the women, whose less nervous hands + Might fit these lighter tasks, which pride demands? + Some feel the scorn that poverty attends, + Or pine in meek dépendance on their friends; + Some patient ply the needle day by day, + Poor half-paid seamsters, wasting life away; + Some drudge in menial, dirty, ceaseless toil, + Bear market loads, or grovelling weed the soil; + Some walk abroad, a nuisance where they go, + And snatch from infamy the bread of woe.” + +“It is a strange sort of infatuation, this fashion,” said Bob, “and it +is much to be regretted it should operate so much to the injury of the +fair--” + +“Do you see that young man on the opposite side of the way,” inquired +Dashall,(stopping him short) “in nankin breeches and jockey-boots?” + +“I do,” replied Tallyho; “and pray who is he?” + +“The son of a wealthy Baronet who, with an eye to the main chance in +early life, engaged in some mercantile speculations, which proving +productive concerns, have elevated him to his present dignity, beyond +which it is said he cannot go on account of his having once kept a shop. +This son is one of what may be termed the _Ciphers of society_, a sort +of useful article, like an 0 in arithmetic, to denominate numbers; +one of those characters, if character it may be termed, of which this +Metropolis and its vicinity would furnish us with regiments. Indeed, the + +1 It is related that a young lady of _haut ton_ in Paris was observed +to have a tall fellow always following her wherever she went. Her +grandmother one day asked her what occasion there was for that man to be +always following her; to which she replied--“I must blow my nose, must +not I, when I want?” This great genius was actually employed to carry +her pocket-handkerchief. ~225~~general run of Fashionables are little +better than Ciphers,--very necessary at times in the House of Commons, +to suit the purposes and forward the intentions of the Ministers, +by which they obtain _titles_ to which they are not _entitled,_ and +transmit to posterity a race of ennobled boobies. What company, what +society does not abound with Ciphers, and oftentimes in such plenty that +they are even serviceable to make the society considerable? What could +we do to express on paper five hundred without the two ciphers, or being +compelled to write eleven letters to explain what is equally well done +in three figures? These Ciphers are useful at general meetings upon +public questions, though, if they were all collected together in point +of intellectual value, they would amount to nought. They are equally +important as counters at a card-table, they tell for more than they are +worth. Among the City Companies there are many of them to be found: and +the Army is not deficient, though great care is generally taken to send +the most conspicuous Ciphers on foreign service. Public offices under +Government swarm with them; and how many round O's or ciphers may be +found among the gentlemen of the long robe, who, as Hudibras observes, + + “----never ope + Their mouths, but out there flies a trope.” + +In the twelve Judges it must be allowed there is no cipher, because they +have two figures to support them; but take these two figures away, and +the whole wit of mankind may be defied to patch up or recruit the number +without having recourse to the race of Ciphers. + +“I have known a Cipher make a profound Statesman and a Secretary--nay, +an Ambassador; but then it must be confess'd it has been by the timely +and prudent application of proper supporters; and it is certain, that +Ciphers have more than once shewn themselves significant in high posts +and stations, and in more reigns than one. Bounteous nature indulges +mankind in a boundless variety of characters as well as features, and +has given Ciphers to make up numbers, and very often by such additions +renders the few much more significant and conspicuous. The Church has +its Ciphers--for a mitre looks as well on a round 0 as on any letter in +the alphabet, ~226~~and the expense to the nation is equally the same; +consequently, John Bull has no right to complain. + + “See in Pomposo a polite divine, + More gay than grave, not half so sound as fine; + The ladies' parson, proudly skill'd is he, + To 'tend their toilet and pour out their tea; + Foremost to lead the dance, or patient sit + To deal the cards out, or deal out small wit; + Then oh! in public, what a perfect beau, + So powder'd and so trimm'd for pulpit show; + So well equipp'd to tickle ears polite + With pretty little subjects, short and trite. + Well cull'd and garbled from the good old store + Of polish'd sermons often preached before; + With precious scraps from moral Shakespeare brought. + To fill up awkward vacancies of thought, + Or shew how he the orator can play + Whene'er he meets with some good thing to say, + Or prove his taste correct, his memory strong, + Nor let his fifteen minutes seem too long: + His slumbering mind no knotty point pursues, + Save when contending for his tithes or dues.” + +Thus far, although it must be allowed that ciphers are of use, it is not +every cipher that is truly useful. There are Ciphers of indolence, to +which some mistaken men give the title of men of fine parts--there are +Ciphers of Self-interest, to which others more wrongfully give the name +of Patriots--there are Bacchanalian Ciphers, who will not leave the +bottle to save the nation, but will continue to guzzle till no one +figure in Arithmetic is sufficient to support them--then there are +Ciphers of Venus, who will abandon all state affairs to follow a +Cyprian, even at the risk of injuring a deserving wife--Military +Ciphers, who forsake the pursuit of glory, and distrustful of their own +merit or courage, affirm their distrust by a sedulous attendance at the +levees of men of power. In short, every man, in my humble opinion, is +no other than a Cipher who does not apply his talents to the care of his +morals and the benefit of his country.” + +“You have been ciphering for some time,” said Boh, “and I suppose you +have now finished your sum.” + +“I confess,” continued Tom, “it has been a puzzling one--for, to make +something out of nothing is impossible.” + +“Not in all cases,” said Bob. + +“How so?--why you have proved it by your own shewing, that these +nothings are to be made something of.” + +~227~~“I perceive,” replied Tom, “that your acquaintance with Sparkle is +not thrown away upon you; and it argues well, for if you are so ready +a pupil at imbibing his lessons, you will soon become a proficient +in London manners and conversation; but a Cipher is like a _round +robin_,{1} it has neither beginning nor end: its centre is vacancy, +its circle ambiguity, and it stands for nothing, unless in certain +connections.” + +They were now proceeding gently along Oxford Street, in pursuit of their +way to Soho Square, and met with little worthy of note or remark until +they arrived near the end of Newman Street, where a number of workmen +were digging up the earth for the purpose of making new-drains. The +pathway was railed from the road by scaffolding poles strongly driven +into the ground, and securely tied together to prevent interruption from +the passengers.--Tom was remarking upon the hardihood and utility of +the labourers at the moment when a fountain of water was issuing from +a broken pipe, which arose as high as a two pair of stairs window, a +circumstance which quickly drew a number of spectators around, and, +among the rest, Tom and his Cousin could not resist an inclination to +spend a few minutes in viewing the proceedings. + +The Irish _jontlemen_, who made two or three ineffectual attempts to +stop the breach, alternately got soused by the increased violence of +the water, and at every attempt were saluted by the loud laughter of the +surrounding multitude. + +To feelings naturally warm and irritable, these vociferations of +amusement and delight at their defeat, served but to exasperate and +enrage; and the Irishmen in strong terms expressed their indignation +at the merriment which their abortive attempts appeared to excite: +at length, one of the _Paddies_ having cut a piece of wood, as he +conceived, sufficient to stop the effusion of water, with some degree +of adroitness thrust his arm into the foaming fluid, and for a moment +appeared to have arrested its progress. + +“_Blood-an-owns!_ Murphy,” cried he, “scoop away the water, and be +after handing over the mallet this way.” In a moment the spades of his +comrades were seen in + + 1 Round Rubin--A Letter or Billet, so composed as to have + the signatures of many persons in a circle, in order that + the reader may not be able to discover which of the party + signed first or last. + +~228~~action to accomplish his instructions, while one, who was not in a +humour to hear the taunts of the crowd, very politely scoop'd the water +with his hands among the spectators, which created a general desire +to avoid his liberal and plentiful besprinklings, and at the same time +considerable confusion among men, women, and children, who, in effecting +their escape, were seen tumbling and rolling over each other in all +directions. + +“Be off wid you all, and be d----d to you,” said the Hibernian; while +those who were fortunate enough to escape the cooling fluid he was +so indifferently dispensing, laughed heartily at their less favoured +companions. + +Bob was for moving onward. + +“Hold,” said Dash all, “it is two to one but you will see some fun +here.” + +He had scarcely said the word, when a brawny Porter in a fustian jacket, +with his knot slung across his shoulder, manifested dislike to the +manner in which the Irish _jontleman_ was pursuing his amusement. + +“D----n your Irish eyes,” said he, “don't throw your water here, or +I'll lend you my _bunch of fives_.” {l} + +“Be after being off, there,” replied Pat; and, without hesitation, +continued his employment. + +The Porter was resolute, and upon receiving an additional salute, jumped +over the railings, and re-saluted poor Pat with a _muzzier_,{2} which +drew his claret in a moment. The Irishman endeavoured to rally, while +the crowd cheered the Porter and hooted the Labourer. This was the +signal for hostilities. The man who had plugg'd up the broken pipe let +go his hold, and the fountain was playing away as briskly as ever--all +was confusion, and the neighbourhood in alarm. The workmen, with spades +and pick-axes, gathered round their comrade, and there was reason to +apprehend serious mischief would occur; one of them hit the Porter with +his spade, and several others were prepared to follow his example; while +a second, who seem'd a little more blood-thirsty than the rest, raised +his pickaxe in a menacing attitude; upon perceiving which, Dashall +jump'd over the rail and + + 1 Bunch of fives--A flash term for the fist, frequently made + use of among the lads of the Fancy, who address each other + some-times in a friendly way, with--Ha, Bill, how goes it?-- + tip us your bunch of fives, my boy. + + 2 Muzzier--A blow on the mouth. + +~229~~arrested his arm, or, if the blow had been struck, murder must +have ensued. In the mean time, several other persons, following Tom's +example, had disarmed the remainder. A fellow-labourer, who had been +engaged at a short distance, from the immediate scene of action, +attacked the man who had raised the pickaxe, between whom a pugilistic +encounter took place, the former swearing, 'By Jasus, they were a set +of cowardly rascals, and deserved _quilting_.'{1} The water was flowing +copiously--shovels, pickaxes, barrows, lanterns and other implements +were strewed around them--the crowd increased--Tom left the combatants +(when he conceived no real danger of unfair advantage being taken was to +be apprehended) to enjoy their rolling in the mud; while the Porter, +who had escaped the vengeance of his opponents, was explaining to +those around him, and expostulating with the first aggressor, upon +the impropriety of his conduct. The shouts of the multitude at the +courageous proceedings of the Porter, and the hootings at the shameful +and cowardly manner of defence pursued by the Labourers, roused +the blood of the Irishmen, and one again seized a spade to attack a +Coal-heaver who espoused the cause of the Porter--a disposition was +again manifested to cut down any one who dared to entertain opinions +opposite to their own--immediately a shower of mud and stones was +directed towards him--the spade was taken away, and the Irishmen armed +themselves in a similar way with the largest stones they could find +suitable for throwing. In this state of things, the houses and the +windows in the neighbourhood were threatened with serious damage. The +crowd retreated hallooing, shouting, hissing, and groaning; and in this +part of the affray Bob got himself well bespattered with mud. Tom again +interfered, and after a few minutes, persuaded the multitude to desist, +and the Irishmen to drop their weapons. The Porter made his escape, and +the men resumed their work; but, upon Dashall's return to the + + 1 Quilting--To quilt a person among the knowing Covies, is + to give another a good thrashing; probably, this originated + in the idea of warming--as a quilt is a warm companion, so a + set-to is equally productive of heat; whether the allusion + holds good with respect to comfort, must be left to the + decision of those who try it on, (which is to make any + attempt or essay where success is doubtful.) + +~230~~spot where he had left Tallyho, the latter was not to be found; he +was however quickly relieved from suspense. + +“Sir,” said a stout man, “the neighbourhood is greatly indebted to +your exertions in suppressing a riot from which much mischief was to be +apprehended--your friend is close at hand, if you will step this way, +you will find him--he is getting his coat brushed at my house, and has +sustained no injury.” + +“It is a lucky circumstance for him,” said Tom: “and I think +myself fortunate upon the same account, for I assure you I was +very apprehensive of some serious mischief resulting from the +disturbance.”~231~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + “Blest be the pencil which from death can save + The semblance of the virtuous, wise and brave, + That youth and emulation still may gaze + On those inspiring forms of ancient days, + And, from the force of bright example bold, + Rival their worth, and be what they behold.” + + “.....I admire, + None more admires the painter's magic skill, + Who shews me that which I shall never see, + Conveys a distant country into mine, + And throws Italian light on British walls.” + +AS they entered the house, a few doors up Newman Street, Tallyho met +them, having divested himself of the mud which had been thrown upon his +garments by the indiscriminating hand of an enraged multitude; and after +politely thanking the gentleman for his friendly accommodation, they +were about to proceed to the place of their original destination; when +Dashall, perceiving an elegantly dressed lady on the opposite side of +the way, felt, instinctively as it were, for the usual appendage of a +modern fashionable, the quizzing-glass; in the performance of this he +was subjected to a double disappointment, for his rencontre with the +Hibernians had shivered the fragile ornament to atoms in his pocket, +and before he could draw forth the useless fragments, the more important +object of his attention was beyond the power of his visual orbs. + +“It might have been worse,” said he, as he survey'd the broken bauble: +“it is a loss which can easily be repaired, and if in losing that, +I have prevented more serious mischief, there is at least some +consolation. Apropos, here is the very place for supplying the defect +without loss of time. Dixon,” {1} continued he, looking at + + 1 This gentleman, whose persevering endeavours in his + profession entitle him to the patronage of the public, + without pretending to second sight, or the powers that are + so frequently attributed to the seventh son of a seventh + son, has thrown some new lights upon the world. Although he + does not pretend to make “Helps to Read,” his establishment + at No. 93, Newman Street, Oxford Road, of upwards of thirty + years' standing, is deservedly celebrated for glasses suited + to all sights, manufactured upon principles derived from + long study and practical experience. Indeed, if we are to- + place any reliance on his Advertisements, he has brought + them to a state of perfection never before attained, and not + to be surpassed. + +~232~~the name over the door--“aye, I remember to have seen his +advertisements in the papers, and have no doubt I may be suited here to +a _shaving_” + +Upon saying this, they entered the house, and found the improver of +spectacles and eye-glasses surrounded with the articles of his trade, +who, in a moment, recognized Tom as the chief instrument in quelling the +tumult, and added his acknowledgments to what had already been offered +for his successful exertions, assuring him at the same time, that as he +considered sight to be one of the most invaluable blessings “bestowed +on mankind, he had for many years devoted the whole of his time and +attention to the improvement of glasses--put into his hand a short +treatise on the subject, and on the important assistance which may be +afforded by a judicious selection of spectacles to naturally imperfect +or overstrained eyes. Bob, in the mean time, was amusing himself with +reading bills, pamphlets, and newspapers, which lay upon the counter. + +Dashall listened with attention to his dissertation on sight, +spectacles, focusses, lens, reflection, refraction, &c.; but, as he +was not defective in the particular organs alluded to, felt but little +interested on the subject; selected what he really wanted, or rather +what etiquette required, when, to their great gratification, in came +Sparkle. After the first salutations were over, the latter purchased +an opera-glass; then, in company with Tom and Bob, proceeded to Oxford +Street, and upon learning their destination, determined also to take a +peep at the Exhibition. + +“Come along,” said Tom, catching hold of his arm, and directing him +towards Soho Square. But Sparkle recollecting that he had appointed to +meet Miss Mortimer, her Brother, and Merry well, to accompany them to +Somerset House, and finding time had escaped with more ~233~~rapidity +than he expected, wished them a good morning, hoped they should meet +again in the course of the day, and departed. + +“You see,” said Tom, “Sparkle is fully engaged in the business of love; +Miss Mortimer claims all his attention for the present.” + +“You appear to be very envious of his enjoyments,” replied Bob. + +“Not so, indeed,” continued Tom; “I am only regretting that other +pursuits have estranged him from our company.” + +On entering the Exhibition at Soho, Tom, whose well-known taste for +science and art, and particularly for the productions of the pencil and +graver, had already rendered him conspicuous among those who knew him, +made the following remarks: “I am really glad,” said he, “to find that +the eminent engravers of our country have at length adopted a method of +bringing at one view before the public, a delineation of the progress +made by our artists in a branch so essentially connected with the +performance and durability of the Fine Arts. An Exhibition of this +kind is well calculated to dispel the vulgar error, that engraving is a +servile art in the scale of works of the mind, and mostly consigned to +the copyist. An Establishment of this kind has long been wanted, and is +deserving of extensive patronage.” + +Having secured Catalogues, they proceeded immediately to the gratifying +scene.{1} The disposition and arrangement + + 1 The major part of the 405 subjects and sets of subjects, + consisting of about 800 prints, are of moderate size, or + small engravings for descriptive or literary publications, + &e. They are the lesser diamonds in a valuable collection of + jewellery, where there are but few that are not of lucid + excellence, and worthy of glistening in the diadem of + Apollo, or the cestus of Venus. So indeed they have, for + here are many subjects from ancient and modern poetry, and + other literature, and from portraits of beautiful women. + Among the first class, the exquisitely finishing graver of + Mr. Warren gives us many after the designs of Messrs. + Westall, Wilkie, Smirke, Cooke, Uwins, and Corbould; as do + the lucid gravers of Messrs. Englehart and Rhodes, the + nicely executing hands of Messrs. Mitan, Romney, Finden, + Robinson, &c. Among the latter class, are _Anna Boleyn_, &c. + by Mr. Scriven, who marks so accurately the character of the + objects, and of the Painter he works from, in his well + blended dot and stroke; Mrs. Hope, by Dawe; many lovely + women, by Mr. Reynolds; a Courtship, by Mr. Warren, from + Terburg, in the Marquis of Stafford's Collection; two Mary + Queen of Scots, by Messrs. Warren and Cooper.----From + pictures of the old and modern Masters, are capital + Portraits of celebrated characters of former and present + times; of Mrs. Siddons, of Cicero, M. Angelo, Parmigiano, + Fenelon, Raleigh, A. Durer, Erasmus, Cromwell, Ben Jonson, + Selden, Swift, Gay, Sterne, Garrick, &c. of Byron, + Bonaparte, West, Kenible, young Napoleon, of nearly all the + English Royal Family, and many of the Nobility. + + ----Of all the charmingly engraved Landscapes of foreign + and home Views, and of the Animal pieces, are many from + Messrs. W. B. and G. Cooke's recent publications of The + Coast of England, &c. of Mr. Hakewell's Italy, Mr. Nash's + Paris, Captain Batty's France, &c. Mr. Neale's Vieios, many + of Mr. Scott's and Mr. Milton's fine Animal Prints; + exquisitely engraved Architecture by Mr. Le Keaux, Mr. + Lowry, Mr. G. Cooke, &c. Among the large Prints are the two + last of Mr. Holloway's noble set from Raffaelle's Cartoons; + the Battle of Leipzig, finely executed by Mr. Scott, and + containing Portraits of those monstrous assailers of Italy + and of the common rights of mankind, the Emperors of Austria + and Russia; Jaques from Shakspeare, by Mr. Middiman, + Reynolds' Infant Hercules by Mr. Ward, The Bard, by J. + Bromley, jun. possessing the energy of the original by the + late President Mr. West, and The Poacher detected, by Mr. + Lupton, from Mr. Kidd's beautiful picture. + +~234~~of the plates, and the company dispersed in various parts of the +rooms, were the first objects of attention, and the whole appearance was +truly pleasing. At one end was to be seen an old Connoisseur examining +a most beautiful engraving from an excellent drawing by +Clennell{1}---another contemplating the brilliance of Goodall in +his beautiful print of the Fountains of Neptune in the Gardens of +Versailles. Dash all, who generally took care to see all before him, +animate and inanimate, was occasionally + + 1 Luke Clennell--This unfortunate artist, a native of + Morpeth, in Northumberland, and known to the world as an + eminent engraver on wood, as well as a painter of no + ordinary talent, has furnished one of those cases of human + distress and misery which calls for the sympathy and aid of + every friend to forlorn genius. In the midst of a + prosperous career, with fortune “both hands full,” smiling + on every side, munificently treated by the British + Institution, employed on an important work by the Earl of + Bridgewater (a picture of the Fête given by the City of + London to the Allied Sovereigns,) and with no prospect but + that delightful one of fame and independence, earned by his + own exertions, the most dreadful affliction of life befel + him, and insanity rooted where taste and judgment so + conspicuously shone. The wretched artist was of necessity + separated from his family; his young wife, the mother of his + three infants, descended to the grave a broken-hearted + victim, leaving the poor orphans destitute. The Print + alluded to in this case, representing the Charge of the Life + Guards at Waterloo in 1816, was published by subscription + for their benefit. + +~235~~casting glimpses at the pictures and the sprightly females by +which they were surrounded, and drawing his Cousin to such subjects as +appeared to be most deserving of attention; among which, the fine effect +produced by Mr. W. B. Cooke stood high in his estimation, particularly +in his View of Edinburgh from Calton Hill, and Brightling Observatory in +Rose Hill--Le Keux, in his Monument, also partook of his encomiums--T. +Woolroth's Portraits, particularly that of the Duchess of Kent, claimed +attention, and was deservedly admired, as well as a smaller one of Mr. +Shalis by the same artist; indeed, the whole appeared to be selected, +combined and arranged under the direction of a master, and calculated +at once to surprise and delight. After enjoying an hour's lounge in this +agreeable company, + +“Come,” said Dashall, “we will repair to Somerset House, and amuse +ourselves with colours. + +“Halloo!” said a smart looking young man behind them--“_what am you +arter?--where is you going to?_” + +Upon turning round, Dashall discovered it to be the exquisite Mr. +Mincingait, who, having just caught a glimpse of him, and not knowing +what to do with himself, hung as it were upon the company of Tom and his +friend, by way of killing a little time; and was displaying his person +and apparel to the greatest advantage as he pick'd his way along the +pavement, alternately picking his teeth and twirling his watch-chain. +Passing the end of Greek Street, some conversation having taken place +upon the dashing Society in which he had spent the previous evening, Tom +indulged himself in the following description of _How to Cut a Dash._ + +“Dashing society,” said he, “is almost every where to be found in +London: it is indeed of so much importance among the generality of town +residents, that a sacrifice of every thing that is dear and valuable is +frequently made to appearance.” + +“You are a quiz,” said Mincingait; “but I don't mind you, so go your +length.” + +“Very well,” continued Tom; “then by way of instruction to my friend, +I will give my ideas upon the subject, and if perchance you should find +any resemblance to yourself in the picture I am about to draw, don't +let all the world know it. If you have an inclination to cut a dash, +situation and circumstances in life have nothing to ~236~~do with it; +a good bold face and a stock of assurance, are the most essential +requisites. With these, you must in the first place fall upon some +method to trick a tailor (provided you have not certain qualms that will +prevent you) by getting into his debt, for much depends upon exteriors. +There is no crime in this, for you pay him if you are able--and good +clothes are very necessary for a dash; having them cut after the newest +fashion, is also very essential. Sally forth, if on a sunday morning in +quest of a companion with whom you have the night previous (at a tavern +or confectioner's) engaged to meet at the corner. After having passed +the usual compliments of the morning with him, place yourself in +a fashionable attitude, your thumbs thrust in your pantaloon's +pockets--the right foot thrown carelessly across the left, resting on +the toe, exhibits your line turned ancle, or new boot, and is certainly +a very modest attitude--your cravat finically adjusted, and tied +sufficiently tight to produce a fine full-blooming countenance: corsets +and bag pantaloons are indispensably necessary to accoutre you for the +stand. When in this trim, dilate upon the events of the times--know +but very little of domestic affairs--expatiate and criticise upon the +imperfections or charms of the passing multitude--tell a fine story to +some acquaintance who knows but little about you, and, by this means, +borrow as much money as will furnish you with a very small bamboo, or +very large cudgel; extremes are very indispensable for a good dash. + +“It is extremely unbecoming for a gentleman of fashion to pay any regard +to that old superstitious ceremony of what is commonly called '_going to +church'_--or, at most, of attending more than half a day in the week. +To attend public worship more than one hour in seven days must be +very fatiguing to a person of genteel habits--besides it would be +countenancing an old established custom. In former times, a serious and +devout attention to divine service was not thought improper; but should +a gentleman of modern manners attend public worship, to discover, +according to the law of the polite, what new face of fashion appears, I +need not mention the absurdity of decent behaviour. + +'What go to meeting, say?--why this the vulgar do, Yes, and it is a +custom old as Homer too! Sure, then, we folks of fashion must with this +dispense, Or differ in some way from folks of common sense.' + +~237~~“Melodious, indeed, are the voices of ladies and gentlemen +whispering across the pews, politely inquiring after each other's +health--the hour at which they got home from their Saturday evening's +party--what gallants attended them; and what lasses they saw safe home. +How engaging the polite posture of looking on the person next you, or +in sound sleep, instead of sacred music, playing loud bass through the +nose! But to have proceeded methodically in enumerating the improvements +in manners, I ought, first, to have mentioned some of the important +advantages of staying from church until the service is half finished. +Should you attend at the usual hour of commencing service, you might +be supposed guilty of rising in the morning as early as nine or ten +o'clock, and by that means be thought shockingly ungenteel--and if +seated quietly in the pew, you might possibly remain unnoticed; but, +by thundering along the aisle in the midst of prayer or sermon, you are +pretty sure to command the attention of the audience, and obtain the +honour of being thought by some, to have been engaged in some genteel +affair the night before! Besides, it is well known that it is only the +vulgar that attend church in proper time. + +“When you parade the streets, take off your hat to every gentleman's +carriage that passes; you may do the same to any pretty woman--for +if she is well bred, (you being smartly dressed) she will return the +compliment before she be able to recollect whether your's be a face she +has seen somewhere or not; those who see it, will call you a dashing +fellow. When a beggar stops you, put your hand in your pocket, and +tell him you are very sorry you have no change; this, you know, will be +strictly true, and speaking truth is always a commendable quality;--or, +if it suits you better, bid him go to the churchwarden--this you may +easily do in a dashing way. Never think of following any business or +profession,--such conduct is unworthy of a dasher. In the evening, never +walk straight along the foot-way, but go in a zigzag direction--this +will make some people believe you have been dashing down your bottle of +wine after dinner. No dasher goes home sober. + +“On making your appearance in the ball-room, put your hat under your +arm: you will find an advantage in this, as it will make a stir in +the room to make way for you and your hat, and apprize them of your +entrance. + +~238~~After one or two turns around the room, if the sets are all made +up, make a stand before one of the mirrors, to adjust your cravat, hair, +&c. Be sure to have your hair brushed all over the forehead, which will +give you a very ferocious appearance. If you catch a strange damsel's +eyes fixed upon you, take it for granted that you are a fascinating +fellow, and cut a prodigious dash. As soon as the first set have +finished.dancing, fix your thumbs as before-mentioned, and make a dash +through the gaping crowd in pursuit of a partner; if you are likely to +be disappointed in obtaining one with whom you are acquainted, select +the smallest child in the room; by that means, you will attract the +attention of the ladies, and secure to you the hand of a charming Miss +for the next dance. When on the floor with one of those dashing belles, +commence a _tête-a-tête_ with her, and pay no attention whatever to the +figure or steps, but walk as deliberately as the music will admit (not +dropping your little chit chat) through the dance, which is considered, +undoubtedly, very graceful, and less like a mechanic or dancing-master. +The dance finished, march into the bar, and call for a glass of +blue-ruin, white-tape, or stark-naked, which is a very fashionable +liquor among the 'ton,' and if called on to pay for it, tell the +landlord you have left your purse in one of your blues at home; and that +you will recollect it at the next ball--this, you know, can be done in +a genteel way, and you will be 'all the go.' Return into the room, and +either tread upon some gentleman's toes, or give him a slight touch with +your elbow: which, if he be inclined to resent, tell him, 'pon lionour,' +you did not observe him, or, if inclined to suffer it with impunity--' +Get out of the way, fellow, d----n you.' + +On your way home, after escorting your fair inamorata to her peaceful +abode, make a few calls for the purpose of taking a little more stimulus +with some particular friends, and then return home for the night to +'steep your senses in forgetfulness.'” + +“A very amusing and useful account, truly,” said Bob, as his Cousin +closed his chapter of instructions How to Cut a Dash. + +“It is, at least, a just and true delineation of living character.” + +“Not without a good portion of caricature,” said Mincingait. “You +are downright scurrilous, and ought not to be tolerated in civilized +society. Sink me, if you ~239~~are not quite a bore, and not fit company +for a Gentleman. so I shall wish you a good morning.” + +Tom and Bob laughed heartily at this declaration of the Dashing Blade, +and, wishing him a pleasant walk and a safe return, they separated. + +By this time they had arrived at Somerset House: it was near three +o'clock, and the Rooms exhibited a brilliant crowd of rank and fashion, +which considerably enhanced the value of its other decorations. + +“I have already,” said Dashall, “given you a general description of this +building, and shall therefore confine my present observations wholly to +the establishment of the Royal Academy for the encouragement of the Fine +Arts, for the cultivation of which London is now much and deservedly +distinguished; and to the progressive improvement in which we are +indebted to that Exhibition we have already witnessed. This Academy +was opened by Royal Charter in 1768; and it consists of forty members, +called Royal Academicians, twenty Associates, and six Associate +Engravers. The first President was the justly celebrated Sir Joshua +Reynolds; the second, the highly respected Benjamin West; and the +present, is Sir Thomas Lawrence. + +“The Academy possesses a fine collection of casts and models, from +antique statues, &c. a School of colouring, from pictures of the best +masters. Lectures are delivered by the stated Professors in their +various branches, to the Students during the winter season; prize +medals are given annually for the best academy figures and drawings +of buildings; and gold medals for historical composition in painting, +sculpture, and designs in Architecture, once in two years; which latter +are presented to the successful Artists in full assembly, accompanied +with a discourse from the President, calculated to stimulate +perseverance and exertion. Students have at all times, (except during +the regular vacations,) an opportunity of studying nature from well +chosen models, and of drawing from the antique casts. + +“This Exhibition is generally opened on the first of May. The number +of works of art, consisting of paintings, sculptures, models, proof +engravings and drawings, generally exhibited, are upwards of one +thousand; and are usually visited by all the gaiety and fashion of the +Metropolis, between the hours of two and five o'clock in ~240~~the day. +The rooms are elegant and spacious; and I consider it at all times +a place where a shilling may be well spent, and an hour or two well +enjoyed. + + “Some spend a life in classing grubs, and try, + New methods to impale a butterfly; + Or, bottled up in spirits, keep with care + A crowd of reptiles--hideously rare; + While others search the mouldering wrecks of time, + And drag their stores from dust and rust and slime; + Coins eat with canker, medals half defac'd, + And broken tablets, never to be trac'd; + Worm-eaten trinkets worn away of old, + And broken pipkins form'd in antique mould; + Huge limbless statues, busts of heads forgot, + And paintings representing none knows what; + Strange legends that to monstrous fables lead, + And manuscripts that nobody can read; + The shapeless forms from savage hands that sprung, + And fragments of rude art, when Art was young. + This precious lumber, labell'd, shelv'd, and cas'd, + And with a title of Museum grac'd, + Shews how a man may time and fortune waste, + And die a mummy'd connoisseur of taste.” + +[Illustration: page240 Somerset House] + +On entering the rooms, Bob was bewildered with delight; the elegance +of the company, the number and excellence of the paintings, were +attractions so numerous and splendid, as to leave him no opportunity +of decidedly fixing his attention. He was surrounded by all that +could enchant the eye and enrapture the imagination. Moving groups of +interesting females were parading the rooms with dashing partners +at their elbows, pointing out the most beautiful paintings from the +catalogues, giving the names of the artists, or describing the subjects. +Seated on one of the benches was to be seen the tired Dandy, whose +principal inducement to be present at this display of the Arts, was to +exhibit his own pretty person, and attract a little of the public gaze +by his preposterous habiliments and unmeaning countenance; to fasten +upon the first person who came within the sound of his scarcely +articulate voice with observing, “It is d----d hot, 'pon honour--can't +stand it--very fatiguing--I wonder so many persons are let in at +once--there's no such thing as seeing, I declare, where there is such +a crowd: I must come again, that's the end of it.” On another, was the +full-dressed Elegante, with her bonnet in one hand, and her catalogue +in the other, apparently intent upon examining the pictures before +~241~~her, while, in fact, her grand aim was to discover whether she +herself was observed. The lounging Blood, who had left his horses at +the door, was bustling among the company with his quizzing-glass in his +hand, determined, if possible, to have a peep at every female he met, +caring as much for the Exhibition itself, as the generality of the +visitors cared for him. The Connoisseur was placing his eye occasionally +close to the paintings, or removing to short distances, right and left, +to catch them in the most judicious lights, and making remarks on his +catalogue with a pencil; and Mrs. Roundabout, from Leadenhall, who had +brought her son Dicky to see the show, as she called it, declared it was +the '_most finest_ sight she ever seed, lifting up her hand and eyes at +the same time as Dicky read over the list, and charmed her by reciting +the various scraps of poetry inserted in the catalogue to elucidate +the subjects. It was altogether a source of inexpressible delight and +amusement. Tom, whose taste for the arts qualified him well for the +office of guide upon such an occasion, directed the eye of his Cousin +to the best and most masterly productions in the collection, and +whose attention was more particularly drawn to the pictures (though +occasionally devoted to the inspection of a set of well-formed features, +or a delicately turned ancle,) was much pleased to find Bob so busy in +enquiry and observation. + +“We have here,” said Tom, “a combination of the finest specimens in the +art of painting laid open annually for public inspection. Music, Poetry, +and Painting, have always been held in high estimation by those who +make any pretensions to an improved mind and a refined taste. In this +Exhibition the talents of the Artists in their various lines may be +fairly estimated, and the two former may almost be said to give life to +the latter, in which the three are combined. The Historian, the Poet, +and the Philosopher, have their thoughts embodied by the Painter; and +the tale so glowingly described in language by the one, is brought full +before the eye by the other; while the Portrait-painter hands down, by +the vivid touches of his pencil, the features and character of those who +by their talents have deservedly signalized themselves in society. +The face of nature is displayed in the landscape, and the force of +imagination by the judicious selector of scenes from actual life. Hence +painting is the fascinating region of enchantment. The pencil is a +magic wand; it calls up ~242~~to view the most extensive and variegated +scenery calculated to wake the slumbering mind to thought. + + “----To mark the mighty hand + That, ever busy, wheels the silent spheres, + Works in the secret deep; shoots steaming thence + The fair profusion that o'erspreads the Spring; + Flings from the sun direct the naming day; + Feeds every creature; hurls the tempest forth; + And as on earth this grateful change revolves. + With transport touches all the springs of life.” + +“Upon my life!” cried Bob, “we seem to have no need of Sparkle now, for +you are endeavouring to imitate him.” + +“Your observations maybe just, in part,” replied Tom; “but I can assure +you I have no inclination to continue in the same strain. At the +same time, grave subjects, or subjects of the pencil and graver, are +deserving of serious consideration, except where the latter are engaged +in caricature.” + +“And that has its utility,” said Bob. + +“To be sure it has,” continued Tom--“over the human mind, wit, humour +and ridicule maintain authoritative influence. The ludicrous images +which flit before the fancy, aided by eccentric combinations, awaken +the risible powers, and throw the soul into irresistible tumults of +laughter. Who can refrain from experiencing risible emotions when +he beholds a lively representation of Don Quixote and Sancho +Pança--Hudibras and his Ralpho--merry old Falstaff shaking his fat +sides, gabbling with Mrs. Quickly, and other grotesque figures to be +found in the vast variety of human character? To lash the vices and +expose the follies of mankind, is the professed end of this species of +painting. + + “Satire has always shone among the rest; + And is the boldest way, if not the best, + To tell men freely of their foulest faults.” + +Objects well worthy of attention--like comedy--may degenerate, and +become subservient to licentiousness and profligacy; yet the shafts +of ridicule judiciously aimed, like a well-directed artillery, do much +execution. With what becoming severity does the bold Caricature lay +open to public censure the intrigues of subtle Politicians, the +~243~~chicanery of corrupted Courts, and the flattery of cringing +Parasites! Hence satirical books and prints, under temperate +regulations, check the dissoluteness of the great. Hogarth's Harlot's +and Rake's Progress have contributed to reform the different classes of +society--nay, it has even been doubted by some, whether the Sermons of +a Tillotson ever dissuaded so efficaciously from lust, cruelty, and +intemperance, as the Prints of an Hogarth. Indeed it may with truth +be observed, that the art of Painting is one of those innocent and +delightful means of pleasure which Providence has kindly offered to +brighten the prospects of life: under due restriction, and with proper +direction, it may be rendered something more than an elegant mode of +pleasing the eye and the imagination; it may become a very powerful +auxiliary to virtue.” + +“I like your remarks very well,” said Bob; “but there is no such +thing as paying proper attention to them at present; besides, you are +moralizing again.” + +“True,” said Tom, “the subjects involuntarily lead me to moral +conclusions--there is a fine picture--Nature blowing Bubbles for her +Children, from the pencil of Hilton; in which is united the simplicity +of art with allegory, the seriousness of moral instruction and satire +with the charms of female and infantine beauty; the graces of form, +action, colour and beauty of parts, with those of collective groups; and +the propriety and beauty of----” + +He was proceeding in this strain, when, turning suddenly as he supposed +to Tallyho, he was not a little surprised and confused to find, instead +of his Cousin, the beautiful and interesting Miss Mortimer, at his +elbow, listening with close attention to his description. + +“Miss Mortimer,” continued he--which following immediately in connection +with his last sentence, created a buz of laughter from Sparkle, +Merrywell, and Mortimer, who were in conversation at a short distance, +and considerably increased his confusion. + +“Very gallant, indeed,” said Miss Mortimer, “and truly edifying. These +studies from nature appear to have peculiar charms for you, but I +apprehend your observations were not meant for my ear.” + +“I was certainly not aware,” continued he, “how much I was honoured; +but perceiving the company you are in, I am not much astonished at +the trick, and undoubtedly ~244~~have a right to feel proud of the +attentions that have been paid to my observations.” + +By this time the party was increased by the arrival of Col. B----, his +daughter Maria, and Lady Lovelace, who, with Sparkle's opera glass in +her hand, was alternately looking at the paintings, and gazing at the +company. Sparkle, in the mean time, was assiduous in his attentions to +Miss Mortimer, whose lively remarks and elegant person excited general +admiration. + +The first greetings of such an unexpected meeting were followed by an +invitation on the part of the Colonel to Tom and Bob to dine with them +at half past six. + +Tallyho excused himself upon the score of a previous engagement; and a +wink conveyed to Tom was instantly understood; he politely declined the +honour upon the same ground, evidently perceiving there was more meant +than said; and after a few more turns among the company, and a survey of +the Pictures, during which they lost the company of young Mortimer +and his friend Merry well, (at which the Ladies expressed themselves +disappointed) they, with Sparkle, assisted the females into the +Colonel's carriage, wished them a good morning, and took their way +towards Temple Bar. + +“I am at a loss,” said Dashall, “to guess what you meant by a prior +engagement; for my part, I confess I had engaged myself with you, and +never felt a greater inclination for a ramble in my life.” + +“Then,” said Bob, “I'll tell you--Merry well and Mortimer had determined +to give the old Colonel and his company the slip; and I have engaged, +provided you have no objection, to dine with them at the Globe in Fleet +Street, at half past four. They are in high glee, ready and ripe for +fun, determined to beat up the eastern quarters of the town.” + +“An excellent intention,” continued Tom, “and exactly agreeable to my +own inclinations--we'll meet them, and my life on't we shall have a +merry evening. It is now four--we will take a walk through the temple, +and then to dinner with what appetite we may--so come along. You have +heard of the Temple, situated close to the Bar, which takes its name. +It is principally occupied by Lawyers, and Law-officers, a useful and +important body of men, whose lives are devoted to the study and +practice of the law of the land, to keep peace and harmony among the +~245~~individuals of society, though there are, unfortunately, too many +pretenders to legal knowledge, who prey upon the ignorant and live by +litigation{1}--such as persons who have + + 1 In a recent meeting at the Egyptian Hall, a celebrated + Irish Barrister is reported to have said, that 'blasphemy + was the only trade that prospered.' The assertion, like many + others in the same speech, was certainly a bold one, and one + which the gentleman would have found some difficulty in + establishing. If, however, the learned gentleman had + substituted the word law for blasphemy, he would have been + much nearer the truth. + + Of all the evils with which this country is afflicted, that + of an excessive passion for law is the greatest. The sum + paid annually in taxes is nothing to that which is spent in + litigation. Go into our courts of justice, and you will + often see sixty or seventy lawyers at a time; follow them + home, and you will find that they are residing in the + fashionable parts of the town, and living in the most + expensive manner. Look at the lists of the two houses of + parliament, and you will find lawyers predominate in the + House of Commons; and, in the upper house, more peers who + owe their origin to the law, than have sprung from the army + and navy united. There is scarcely a street of any + respectability without an attorney, not to mention the + numbers that are congregated in the inns of court. In London + alone, we are told, there are nearly three thousand + certificated attornies, and in the country they are numerous + in proportion. + + While on the subject of lawyers, we shall add a few + unconnected anecdotes, which will exhibit the difference + between times past and present. + + In the Rolls of Parliament for the year 1445, there is a + petition from two counties in England, stating that the + number of attornies had lately increased from sixteen to + twenty-four, whereby the peace of those counties had been + greatly interrupted by suits. And it was prayed that it + might be ordained, that there should only be six attornies + for the county of Norfolk, the same number for Suffolk, and + two for the city of Norwich. + + The profits of the law have also increased in proportion. We + now frequently hear of gentlemen at the bar making ten or + fifteen thousand pounds a year by their practice; and a + solicitor in one single suit, (the trial of Warren Hastings) + is said to have gained no less than thirty-five thousand + pounds! How different three centuries ago, when Roper, in + his life of Sir Thomas More, informs us, that though he was + an advocate of the greatest eminence, and in full business, + yet he did not by his profession make above four hundred + pounds per annum. There is, however, a common tradition on + the other hand, that Sir Edward Coke's gains, at the latter + end of this century, equalled those of a modern attorney + general; and, by Lord Bacon's works, it appears that he made + 6000L. per annum whilst in this office. Brownlow's profits, + likewise, one of the prothonotaries during the reign of + Queen Elizabeth, were 6000L. per annum; and he used to close + the profits of the year with a _laus deo_; and when they + happened to be extraordinary,--_maxima laus deo_. + + There is no person, we believe, who is acquainted with the + important duties of the Judges, or the laborious nature of + their office, will think that they are too amply + remunerated; and it is not a little remarkable, that when + law and lawyers have increased so prodigiously, the number + of the Judges is still the same. Fortescue, in the + dedication of his work, De Laudibus Legum Anglise, to Prince + Edward, says that the Judges were not accustomed to sit more + than three hours in a day; that is, from eight o'clock in + the morning until eleven; they passed the remainder of the + day in studying the laws, and reading the Holy Scriptures. + + Carte supposes, that the great reason for the lawyers + pushing in shoals to become members of Parliament, arose + from their desire to receive the wages then paid them by + their constituents. By an act of the 5th of Henry IV. + lawyers were excluded from Parliament, not from a contempt + of the common law itself, but the professors of it, who, at + this time, being auditors to men of property, received an + annual stipend, _pro connlio impenso et impendendo_, and + were treated as retainers. In Madox's Form. Anglican, there + is a form of a retainer during his life, of John de Thorp, + as counsel to the Earl of Westmoreland; and it appears by + the Household Book of Algernon, fifth Earl of + Northumberland, that, in the beginning of the reign of Henry + the Eighth, there was, in that family, a regular + establishment for two counsellors and their servants. + + A proclamation was issued on the 6th of November, in the + twentieth year of the reign of James I. in which the voters + for members of Parliament are directed, “not to choose + curious and wrangling lawyers, who may seek reputation by + stirring needless questions.” + + A strong prejudice was at this time excited against lawyers. + In Aleyn's Henry VIII. (London, 1638,) we have the following + philippic against them:-- + + “A prating lawyer, (one of those which cloud + That honour'd science,) did their conduct take; + He talk'd all law, and the tumultuous crowd + Thought it had been all gospel that he spake. + At length, these fools their common error saw, + A lawyer on their side, but not the law.” + + Pride the drayman used to say, that it would never be well + till the lawyers' gowns, like the Scottish colours, were + hung up in Westminster Hall. + + From Chaucer's character of the Temple Manciple, it would + appear that the great preferment which advocates in this + time chiefly aspired to, was to become steward to some great + man: he says,--” + + “Of masters he had mo than thryis ten, + That were of law expert and curious, + Of which there were a dozen in that house, + Worthy to ben stuards of house and londe, + Of any lord that is in Englonde.” + +~246~~been employed as clerks to Pettifoggers, who obtain permission to +sue in their names; and persons who know no more of law than what they +have learned in Abbot's Park,{1} or on board the Fleet,{2} who assume +the title of Law Agents or Accountants, and are admirably fitted for +Agents in the Insolvent Debtor's Court under the Insolvent Act, to make +out Schedules, &c. Being up to all the arts and manouvres practised with +success for the liberation of themselves, they are well calculated to +become tutors of others, though they generally take care to be well paid +for it.” + +By this time they were entering the Temple. “This,” continued Tom, +“is an immense range of buildings, stretching from Fleet-street to +the river, north and south; and from Lombard-street, Whitefriars, to +Essex-street in the Strand, east and west. + +“It takes its name from its being founded by the Knights Templars in +England. The Templars were crusaders, who, about the year 1118, formed +themselves into a military body at Jerusalem, and guarded the roads +for the safety of pilgrims. In time the order became very powerful. +The Templars in Fleet-street, in the thirteenth century, frequently +entertained the King, the Pope's nuncio, foreign ambassadors, and other +great personages. + +“It is now divided into two societies of students, called the Inner and +Middle Temple, and having the name of Inns of Court. + +“These societies consist of Benchers, Barristers, Students, and Members. +The government is vested in the Benchers. In term time they dine in +the hall of the society, which is called keeping commons. To dine a +fortnight in each term, is deemed keeping the term; and twelve of these +terms qualify a student to be called to year of Henry the Sixth, when +Sir Walter Beauchamp, as counsel, supported the claim of precedence of +the Earl of Warwick, against the then Earl Marshal, at the bar of the +House of Lords. Mr. Roger Hunt appeared in the same capacity for the +Earl Marshal, and both advocates, in their exordium, made most humble +protestations, entreating the lord against whom they were retained, not +to take amiss what they should advance on the part of their own client. + +Another point on which the lawyers of the present age differ from their +ancestors, is in their prolixity. It was reserved for modern invention +to make a trial for high treason last eight days, or to extend a speech +to nine hours duration. + + 1 Abbot's Park--The King's Bench. + + 2 On board the Fleet--The Fleet Prison. + +~248~~“These societies have the following officers and servants: a +treasurer, sub-treasurer, steward, chief butler, three under-butlers, +upper and under cook, a pannierman, a gardener, two porters, two +wash-pots, and watchmen. + +“The Benchers assume and exercise a power that can scarcely be +reconciled to the reason of the thing. They examine students as to their +proficiency in the knowledge of the law, and call candidates to the bar, +or reject them at pleasure, and without appeal. It is pretty well known +that students in some cases eat their way to the bar; in which there can +be no great harm, because their clients will take the liberty afterwards +of judging how far they have otherwise qualified themselves. But every +man that eats in those societies should be called, or the rejection +should be founded solely on his ignorance of the law, and should be +subject to an appeal to a higher jurisdiction; otherwise the power of +the Benchers may be exercised on private or party motives. + +“The expence of going through the course of these Societies is not +great. In the Inner Temple, a student pays on admission, for the fees of +the society, 3L. 6s. 8d. which, with other customary charges, amounts to +4L 2s. A duty is also paid to the King, which is high. Terms may be kept +for about 10s. per week, and, in fact, students may dine at a cheaper +rate here than any where beside. The expences in the principal societies +of like nature are something more. + +“Their kitchens, and dinner-rooms, merit the inspection of strangers, +and may be seen on applying to the porter, or cooks, without fee or +introduction. Our time is short now, or we would take a peep; you must +therefore content yourself with my description. + +“The Temple is an irregular building. In Fleet-street are two entrances, +one to the Inner, and the other to the Middle Temple. The latter has a +front in the manner of Inigo Jones, of brick, ornamented with four large +stone pilastres, of the Ionic order, with a pediment. It is too narrow, +and being lofty, wants proportion. The passage to which it leads, +although designed for carriages, is narrow, inconvenient, and mean. + +“The garden of the Inner Temple is not only a most happy situation, but +is laid out with great taste, and kept ~249~~in perfect order. It +is chiefly covered with green sward,, which is pleasing to the eye, +especially in a city, and is most agreeable to walk on. It lies, as you +perceive, along the river, is of great extent, and has a spacious +gravel walk, or terrace, on the bank of the Thames. It forms a crowded +promenade in summer, and at such times is an interesting spot. + +“The Middle Temple has a garden, but much smaller,, and not so +advantageously situated. + +“The hall of the Middle Temple is a spacious and elegant room in its +style. Many great feasts have been given in it in old times. It is well +worth a visit. + +“The Inner Temple hall is comparatively small, but is a fine room. It is +ornamented with the portraits of several of the Judges. Before this +hall is a broad paved terrace, forming an excellent promenade, when the +gardens are not sufficiently dry. + +“There are two good libraries belonging to these societies, open to +students, and to others on application to the librarian, from ten in the +morning till one, and in the afternoon from two till six. + +“The Temple church belongs in common to the two societies. The Knights +Templars built their church on this site, which was destroyed, and the +present edifice was erected by the Knights Hospitallers. It is in the +Norman style of architecture, and has three aisles, running east and +west, and two cross aisles. At the western end is a spacious round +tower, the inside of which forms an elegant and singular entrance into +the church, from which it is not separated by close walls, but merely by +arches. The whole edifice within has an uncommon and noble aspect. The +roof of the church is supported by slight pillars of Sussex marble, and +there are three windows at each side, adorned with small pillars of the +same marble. The entire floor is of flags of black and white marble; +the roof of the tower is supported with six pillars, having an upper and +lower range of small arches, except on the eastern side, opening into +the church: The length of the church is eighty-three feet; the breadth +sixty; and the height thirty-four; the height of the inside of the tower +is forty-eight feet, and its diameter on the floor fifty-one. + +“In the porch or tower are the tombs of eleven Knights Templars; eight +of them have the figures of ~250~~armed knights on them, three of them +being the tombs of so many Earls of Pembroke. The organ of this church +is one of the finest in the world. + +“The Temple church is open for divine service every day, at eleven +o'clock in the morning, and at four in the afternoon. There are four +entrances into the Temple, besides those in Fleet-street; and it is +a thoroughfare during the day, but the gates are shut at night. The +gardens are open to the public in summer. It is a place of much business +and constant traffic, I assure you.” + +“I perceive it,” said Bob, “by the number of persons passing and +repassing, every one apparently animated and impelled by some business +of importance.” + +“Yes, it is something like a steam-boiler, by which a considerable +portion of the engines of the Law are kept in motion. They can alarm and +allay according to the pockets of their customers, or the sagacity which +they are able to discover in their heads. There are perhaps as many +Quacks in this profession as in any other,” continued Tom, as they +regained Fleet-street; when, perceiving it was half past four o'clock by +St. Dunstan's--“But we must now make the best of our way, or we may be +cut out of the good things of this _Globe_.” + +“What are so many persons collected together here for?” enquired Bob. + +“Merely to witness a little of ingenious machinery. Keep your eye on the +two figures in the front of the church with clubs in their hands.” + +“I do,” said Bob; “but there does not appear to me to be any thing very +remarkable about them.” + +He scarcely uttered the words, when he observed that these figures +struck their clubs upon the bells which hung between them to denote the +time of day. + +“These figures,” said Tom, “and the circumstance of giving them motion +every fifteen minutes by the movements of the clock, have attracted a +great deal of notice, particularly among persons from the country, and +at almost every quarter of an hour throughout the day they are honoured +with spectators. The church itself is very ancient, and has been +recently beautified. The _Bell thumpers_, whose abilities you have just +had a specimen of, have been standing there ever since the year 1671.” + +“It is hard service,” said Bob, “and they must certainly deserve a +pension from Government more than many of ~251~~the automatons who are +now in the enjoyment of the national bounties.” + +“You are right enough,” said a Translator of Soles,{1} who had overheard +Bob's last remark, with a pair of old shoes under his arm; “and d----n +me if I would give a pair of _crazy crabshells_{2} without _vamp or +whelt for the whole boiling of 'em_{3}-there is not one on 'em worth a +bloody jemmy.”{4} + +Upon hearing this from the political Cobbler, a disturbed sort of shout +was uttered by the surrounding spectators, who had rather increased than +diminished in number, to hear the observations of the leathern-lung'd +Orator; when Tom, giving his Cousin a significant pinch of the arm, +impelled him forward, and left them to the enjoyment of their humour. + +“Political observations are always bad in the street,” said Tom; “it is +a subject upon which scarcely any two persons agree distinctly-_Old Wax +and Bristles_ is about _three sheets in the wind_,{5} and no doubt there +are enough to take advantage of any persons stopping at this time of the +day.”{6} + +“What have we here?” said Bob, who observed a concourse of people +surrounding the end of Fetter Lane. + +“Only a couple more of striking figures,” replied Tom, “almost as +intelligent as those we have just seen.” + + 1 Translator of Soles--A disciple of St. Crispin, alias a + cobbler, who can botch up old shoes, so as to have the + appearance of being almost new, and who is principally + engaged in his laudable occupation by the second-hand shoe- + sellers of Field Lane, Turn Stile, &c. for the purpose of + turning an honest penny, i.e. to deceive poor purchasers. + + 2 Crab-shells--A cant term for shoes. + + 3 Whole boding of 'em--The whole kit of 'em, &c. means the + whole party. + + 4 Bloody Jemmy--A cant term for a sheep's head. + + 5 Three sheets in the wind--A cant phrase intending to + explain that a person is more than half drunk. + + 6 This was a hint well given by Dashall; for, in the present + times, it is scarcely possible to be aware of the numerous + depredations that are committed in the streets of the + Metropolis in open day-light; and it is a well-known fact, + that Fleet Street, being one of the leading thoroughfares, + is at almost all times infested with loose characters of + every description, from the well-dressed Sharpers, who hover + round the entrances to billiard-tables to mark new comers, + and give information to the pals in waiting, somewhere + within call, and who are called Macers-to the wily Duffers + or Buffers, willing to sell extraordinary bargains, and the + _Cly-faker_, or Pickpocket. + +~252~~Bob bustled forward, and looking down the lane, perceived two +Watchmen, one on each side the street, bearing poles with black boards +inscribed in white letters, “Beware of bad houses,” and a lantern +hanging to each. + +“These,” said Tom, “are not decoy ducks, but scare crows, at least they +are intended for such; whether their appearance does not operate as much +one way as it does the other, is, I believe, a matter of doubt.” + +“Beware of bad houses,” said Bob--“I don't exactlY see the object.” + +“No, perhaps not,” continued his Cousin; “but I will tell you: this is a +method which the Churchwardens of parishes sometimes take of shaming +the _pa-pa_ or _fie fie_ ladies from their residences, or at least of +discovering their visitors; but I am half inclined to think, that nine +times out of ten the contrary effect is produced; for these men who are +stationed as warnings to avoid, are easily to be blinded by the gay and +gallant youths, who have” an inclination to obtain an admission to +the fair cyprians; besides which, if the first inhabitants are really +induced to quit, the house is quickly occupied by similar game, and +the circumstance of the burning out, as it is termed, serves as a +direction-post to new visitors; so that no real good is eventually +effected-Come, we had better move on--there is nothing more +extraordinary here.” + +“This is Peele's Coffee House,” continued he--“a house celebrated for +its general good accommodations. Here, as well as at the Chapter Coffee +House, in Paternoster Row, all the newspapers are kept filed annually, +and may be referred to by application to the Waiters, at the very +trifling expense of a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. The Monthly +and Quarterly Reviews, and the provincial papers, are also kept for the +accommodation of the customers, and constitute an extensive and valuable +library; it is the frequent resort of Authors and Critics, who meet to +pore over the news of the day, or search the records of past times.” + +“An excellent way of passing an hour,” said Bob, “and a proof of the +studied attention which is paid not only to the comforts and convenience +of their customers, but also to their instruction.” + +“You are right,” replied Tom; “in London every man has an opportunity +of living according to his wishes and ~253~~the powers of his pocket; +he may dive, like Roderick Random, into a cellar, and fill his belly for +four pence, or regale himself with the more exquisite delicacies of the +London Tavern at a guinea; while the moderate tradesman can be supplied +at a chop-house for a couple of shillings; and the mechanic by a call at +the shop over the way at the corner of Water Lane,{1} may purchase his +half pound of ham or beef, and retire to a public-house to eat it; where +he obtains his pint of porter, and in turn has an opportunity of reading +the _Morning Advertiser_, the _Times_, or the _Chronicle_. Up this court +is a well-known house, the sign of the Old Cheshire Cheese; it has long +been established as a chop-house, and provides daily for a considerable +number of persons; but similar accommodations are to be found in almost +every street in London. Then again, there are cook-shops of a still +humbler description where a dinner may be procured at a still more +moderate price; so that in this great Metropolis there is accommodation +for all ranks and descriptions of persons, who may be served according +to the delicacy of their appetites and the state of their finances. + +“A Chop-house is productive of all the pleasures in life; it is a +combination of the most agreeable and satisfactory amusements: indeed, +those who have never had an opportunity of experiencing the true +happiness therein to be found, have a large portion of delight and +gratification to discover: the heart, the mind and the constitution +are to be mended upon crossing its threshold; and description must +fall short in its efforts to pourtray its enlivening and invigorating +influence; it is, in a word, a little world within itself, absolutely +a universe in miniature, possessing a system peculiar to itself, of +planets and satellites, + + 1 This allusion was made by the Hon. Tom Dashall to the Shop + of Mr. Cantis, who was formerly in the employ of Mr. Epps, + and whose appearance in opposition to him at Temple Bar a + few years back excited a great deal of public attention, and + had the effect of reducing the prices of their ham and beef. + Mr. Epps generally has from fourteen to twenty Shops, and + sometimes more, situated in different parts of the + Metropolis, and there is scarcely a street in London where + there is not some similar place of accommodation; but Mr. + Epps is the most extensive purveyor for the public appetite. + At these shops, families may be supplied with any quantity, + from an ounce to a pound, of hot boiled beef and ham at + moderate prices; while the poor are regaled with a plate of + cuttings at a penny or twopence each. + +and fixed stars and revolutions, and its motions are annual, rotatory +and diurnal, in all its extensive diversity of waiters, cooks, +saucepans, fryingpans, gridirons, salamanders, stoves and smoke-jacks; +so that if you wish to know true and uncloying delight, you are now +acquainted with where it is to be found. Not all the sages of the +ancient or the modern world ever dreamed of a theory half so exquisite, +or calculated to afford man a treat so truly delicious. + +“Within the doors of a Chop-house are to be found food for both body +and soul-mortal and mental appetites-feasting for corporeal cravings and +cravings intellectual-nourishment at once for the faculties both of mind +and body: there, in fact, the brain may be invigorated, and the mind fed +with good things; while the palate is satisfied by devouring a mutton +chop, a veal cutlet, or a beef steak; and huge draughts of wisdom may be +imbibed while drinking a bottle of soda or a pint of humble porter. + +“In this delightful place of amusement and convenience, there is +provender for philosophers or fools, stoics or epicureans; contemplation +for genius of all denominations; and it embraces every species of +science and of art, (having an especial eye to the important art of +Cookery;) it encompasses all that is worthy of the sublimest faculties +and capacities of the soul; it is the resort of all that is truly good +and glorious on earth, the needy and the noble, the wealthy and the +wise. Its high estimation is universally acknowledged; it has the +suffrage of the whole world, so much so, that at all times and in all +seasons its supremacy is admitted and its influence recognized. The +name, the very name alone, is sufficient to excite all that is +pleasant to our senses (five or seven, how many soever there may be.) A +Chop-house! at that word what delightful prospects are presented to the +mind's eye-what a clashing of knives and forks and plates and pewter +pots, and rushing of footsteps and murmurings of expectant hosts enter +into our delighted ears--what gay scenes of varied beauty, and many +natured viands and viscous soups, tarts, puddings and pies, rise before +our visual nerves-what fragrant perfumes, sweet scented odours, +and grateful gales of delicate dainties stream into our olfactory +perceptions, + + “. . . Like the sweet south + Upon a bank-a hank of violets, giving + And taking odour.” + +~255~~Its powers are as vast as wonderful and goodly, and extend over +all animal and animated nature, biped and quadruped, the earth, the air, +and all that therein is. By its high decree, the beast may no longer +bask in the noon tide of its nature, the birds must forsake their pure +ether, and the piscatory dwellers in the vasty deep may spread no more +their finny sails towards their caves of coral. The fruits, the herbs, +and the other upgrowings of the habitable world, and all created things, +by one wave of the mighty wand are brought together into this their +common tomb. It is creative also of the lordliest independence of +spirit. It excites the best passions of the heart--it calls into action +every kind and generous feeling of our nature--it begets fraternal +affection and unanimity and cordiality of soul, and excellent +neighbourhood among men-it will correct antipodes, for its ministerial +effects will produce a Radical advantage-its component parts go down +with the world, and are well digested.” + +“Your description,” said Bob, “has already had the effect of awakening +appetite, and I feel almost as hungry as if I were just returning from a +fox-chace.” + +“Then,” continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, “it is not only admirable as +a whole, its constituent and individual beauties are as provocative of +respect as the mass is of our veneration. From among its innumerable +excellencies--I will mention one which deserves to be held in +recollection and kept in our contemplation-what is more delightful +than a fine beef-steak?-spite of Lexicographers, there is something +of harmony even in its name, it seems to be the key-note of our best +constructed organs, (organs differing from all others, only because they +have no stops,) it circles all that is full, rich and sonorous--I do +not mean in its articulated enunciation, but in its internal +acceptation--there--there we feel all its strength and diapas, or force +and quantity.” + +“Admirable arrangements, indeed,” said Bob. “True,” continued +Tom; “and all of them comparatively comfortable, according to their +gradations ana the rank or circumstances of their customers. The Tavern +furnishes wines, &c.; the Pot-house, porter, ale, and liquors suitable +to the high or low. The sturdy Porter, sweating beneath his load, +may here refresh himself with heavy wet;{l} the Dustman, or the +Chimney-sweep, may sluice + + 1 Heavy wet-A well-known appellation for beer, porter, or + ale. + +~256~~Am ivory{1} with the Elixir of Life, now fashionably termed +Daffy's.” + +“Daffy's,” said Tallyho-“that is somewhat new to me, I don't recollect +hearing it before?” + +“Daffy's Elixir,” replied Dashall, “was a celebrated quack medicine, +formerly sold by a celebrated Doctor of that name, and recommended by +him as a cure for all diseases incident to the human frame. This Gin, +Old Tom, and Blue Ruin, are equally recommended in the present day; in +consequence of which, some of the learned gentlemen of the sporting' +world have given it the title of Daffy's, though this excellent beverage +is known by many other names. + +“For instance, the Lady of refined sentiments and delicate nerves, feels +the necessity of a little cordial refreshment, to brighten the one and +enliven the other, and therefore takes it on the sly, under the polite +appellation of white wine. The knowing Kids and dashing Swells are for +a drap of blue ruin, to keep all things in good twig. The Laundress, who +disdains to be termed a dry washer,--dearly loves a dollop {2} of Old +Tom, because, while she is up to her elbows in suds, and surrounded with +steam, she thinks a drap of the old gemman (having no pretensions to +a young one) would comfort and strengthen her inside, and consequently +swallows the inspiring dram. The travelling Gat-gut Scraper, and the +Hurdy-Grinder, think there is music in the sound of max, and can toss +off their kevartern to any tune in good time. The Painter considers it +desirable to produce effect by mingling his dead white with a little +sky blue. The Donkey driver and the Fish-fag are bang-up for a flash +of lightning, to illumine their ideas. The Cyprian, whose marchings and +counter marchings in search of custom are productive of extreme fatigue, +may, in some degree, be said to owe her existence to Jockey; at least +she considers him a dear boy, and deserving her best attentions, so long +as she has any power. The Link-boys, the Mud-larks, and the Watermen, +who hang round public-house doors to feed horses, &c. club up their +brads for a kevartern of Stark-naked in three outs. The Sempstress and +Straw Bonnet-maker are for a yard of White Tape; and + + 1 Sluice the ivory--Is originally derived from sluicery, and + means washing, or passing over the teeth. + + 2 Dollop--Is a large or good quantity of any thing: the whole + dollop means the whole quantity. + +~256~~the Swell Covies and Out and Outers, find nothing so refreshing +after a night's spree, when the victualling-office is out of order, as +a little Fuller's-earth, or a dose of Daffy's; so that it may fairly +be presumed it is a universal beverage--nay, so much so, that a certain +gentleman of City notoriety, though he has not yet obtained a seat +in St. Stephen's Chapel, with an ingenuity equal to that of the +_Bug-destroyer to the King_,{1} has latterly decorated his house, not a +hundred miles from Cripplegate, with the words Wine and Brandy Merchant +to her Majesty, in large letters, from which circumstance his depository +of the refreshing and invigorating articles of life has obtained the +appellation of the Queen's Gin Shop.” + +Bob laughed heartily at his Cousin's interpretation of Daffy's. + +While Tom humm'd, in an under tone, the fag end of a song, by way of +conclusion-- + + “Why, there's old Mother Jones, of St. Thomas's Street, + If a jovial companion she chances to meet, + Away to the gin-shop they fly for some max, + And for it they'd pawn the last smock from their backs; + + For the juniper berry, + It makes their hearts merry, + With a hey down, down deny, + Geneva's the liquor of life.” + +By this time they were at the Globe; upon entering which, they were +greeted by Mortimer and Merry well, who had arrived before them; and +dinner being served almost immediately, they were as quickly seated at +the table, to partake of an excellent repast. + + 1 It is a well-known fact, that a person of the name of + Tiffin announced himself to the world under this very + seductive title, which, doubtless, had the effect of + bringing him considerable custom from the loyal subjects of + his great patron. + + + + + +LONDON VOL I. Part 2. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + “Here fashion and folly still go hand in hand, + With the Blades of the East, and the Bucks of the Strand; + The Bloods of the Park, and paraders so gay, + Who are lounging in Bond Street the most of the day-- + Who are foremost in all that is formed for delight, + At greeking, or wenching, or drinking all night; + For London is circled with unceasing joys: + Then, East, West, North and South, let us hunt them, my boys.” + +~258~~ THE entrance to the house had attracted Tallyho's admiration as +they proceeded; but the taste and elegance of the Coffee-room, fitted up +with brilliant chandeliers, and presenting amidst a blaze of splendour +every comfort and accommodation for its visitors, struck him with +surprise; in which however he was not suffered to remain long, for +Merrywell and Mortimer had laid their plans with some degree of depth +and determination to carry into execution the proposed ramble of the +evening, and had ordered a private room for the party; besides which, +they had invited a friend to join them, who was introduced to Tom and +Bob, under the title of Frank Harry. Frank Harry was a humorous sort of +fellow, who could tell a tough story, sing a merry song, and was up to +snuff, though he frequently got snuffy, singing, + + “The bottle's the Sun of our table, + + His beams are rosy wine: + We, planets never are able + + Without his beams to shine. + Let mirth and glee abound, + + You'll soon grow bright + + With borrow'd light, + And shine as he goes round.” + +He was also a bit of a dabbler at Poetry, a writer of Songs, Epigrams, +Epitaphs, &c.; and having been a long resident in the East, was thought +to be a very useful guide on such an excursion, and proved himself a +very ~259~~ pleasant sort of companion: he had a dawning pleasantry +in his countenance, eradiated by an eye of vivacity, which seemed to +indicate there was nothing which gave him so much gratification as a +mirth-moving jest. + +“What spirits were his, what wit and what whim, Now cracking a joke, and +now breaking a limb.” + +Give him but food for laughter, and he would almost consider himself +furnished with food and raiment. There was however a pedantic manner +with him at times; an affectation of the clerical in his dress, which, +upon the whole, did not appear to be of the newest fashion, or improved +by wearing; yet he would not barter one wakeful jest for a hundred +sleepy sermons, or one laugh for a thousand sighs. If he ever sigh'd at +all, it was because he had been serious where he might have laugh'd; +if he had ever wept, it was because mankind had not laugh'd more and +mourn'd less. He appeared almost to be made up of contrarieties, turning +at times the most serious subjects into ridicule, and moralizing upon +the most ludicrous occurrences of life, never failing to conclude his +observations with some quaint or witty sentiment to excite risibility; +seeming at the same time to say, + + “How I love to laugh; + Never was a weeper; + Care's a silly calf, + Joy's my casket keeper.” + +During dinner time he kept the table in a roar of laughter, by declaring +it was his opinion there was a kind of puppyism in pigs that they +should wear tails--calling a great coat, a spencer folio edition with +tail-pieces--Hercules, a man-midwife in a small way of business, because +he had but twelve labours--assured them he had seen a woman that morning +who had swallowed an almanac, which he explained by adding, that her +features were so carbuncled, that the red lettered days were visible on +her face--that Horace ran away from the battle of Philippi, merely to +prove that he was no lame poet--he described Critics as the door-porters +to the Temple of Fame, whose business was to see that no persons slipped +in with holes in their stockings, or paste buckles for diamond ones, but +was much in doubt whether they always performed their duty honestly--he +called the Sun the _Yellow-hair'd Laddie_ ~260~~ --and the Prince of +Darkness, the _Black Prince_--ask'd what was the difference between a +sigh-heaver and a coal-heaver; but obtaining no answer, I will tell you, +said he--The coal-heaver has a load at his back, which he can carry--but +a sigh-heaver has one at his heart, which he can not carry. He had a +whimsical knack of quoting old proverbs, and instead of saying, the +Cobbler should stick to his last, he conceived it ought to be, the +Cobbler should stick to his wax, because he thought that the more +practicable--What is bred in the bone, said he, will not come out with +the skewer; and justified his alteration by asserting it must be plain +enough to the fat-headed comprehensions of those epicurean persons who +have the magpie-propensity of prying into marrow-bones. + +Dashall having remarked, in the course of conversation, that _necessity +has no law_. + +He declared he was sorry for it--it was surely a pity, considering +the number of learned Clerks she might give employ to if she had--her +Chancellor (continued he) would have no sinecure of it, I judge: hearing +the petitions of her poor, broken-fortuned and bankrupt, subjects would +take up all his terms, though every term were a year, and every year +a term. Thus he united humour with seriousness, and seriousness with +humour, to the infinite amusement of those around him. + +Merrywell, who was well acquainted with, and knew his humour, took +every opportunity of what is called drawing him out, and encouraging +his propensity to punning, a species of wit at which he was particularly +happy, for puns fell as thick from him as leaves from autumn bowers; and +he further entertained them with an account of the intention he had some +short time back of petitioning for the office of pun-purveyor to his +late Majesty; but that before he could write the last line--“And your +petitioner will ever pun” it was bestowed upon a Yeoman of the Guard. +Still, however, said he, I have an idea of opening business as a +pun-wright in general to his Majesty's subjects, for the sale and +diffusion of all that is valuable in that small ware of wit, and +intend to advertise--Puns upon all subjects, wholesale, retail, and for +exportation. N B. 1. An allowance will be made to Captains and Gentlemen +going to the East and West Indies--Hooks, Peakes, Pococks,{1} supplied +on + + 1 Well-known dramatic authors. + +~261~~ moderate terms--worn out sentiments and _clap-traps_ will be +taken in exchange. N B. 2. May be had in a large quantity, in a great +deal box, price five acts of sterling comedy per packet, or in small +quantities, in court-plaster sized boxes, price one melodrama and +an interlude per box. N B. 3. The genuine puns are sealed with a true +Munden grin--all others are counterfeits--Long live Apollo, &c. &c. + +The cloth being removed, the wine was introduced, and + + “As wine whets the wit, improves its native force, + And gives a pleasant flavour to discourse,” + +Frank Harry became more lively at each glass--“Egad!” said he, “my +intention of petitioning to be the king's punster, puts me in mind of a +story.” + +“Can't you sing it?” enquired Merrywell. + +“The pipes want clearing out first,” was the reply, “and that is a sign +I can't sing at present; but signal as it may appear, and I see some +telegraphic motions are exchanging, my intention is to shew to you all +the doubtful interpretation of signs in general.” + +“Let's have it then,” said Tom; “but, Mr. Chairman, I remember an old +Song which concludes with this sentiment-- + + “Tis hell upon earth to be wanting of wine.” + +“The bottle is out, we must replenish.” + +The hint was no sooner given, than the defect was remedied; and after +another glass, + +“King James VI. on his arrival in London, (said he) was waited on by +a Spanish Ambassador, a man of some erudition, but who had strangely +incorporated with his learning, a whimsical notion, that every country +ought to have a school, in which a certain order of men should be taught +to interpret signs; and that the most expert in this department ought +to be dignified with the title of Professor of Signs. If this plan were +adopted, he contended, that most of the difficulties arising from the +ambiguity of language, and the imperfect acquaintance which people of +one nation had with the tongue of another, would be done away. Signs, he +argued, arose from the dictates of nature; and, as they were the same +in every country, there could be no danger of their being misunderstood. +Full of this project, the Ambassador was ~262~~ lamenting one day before +the King, that the nations of Europe were wholly destitute of this grand +desideratum; and he strongly recommended the establishment of a college +founded upon the simple principles he had suggested. The king, either +to humour this Quixotic foible, or to gratify his own ambition at the +expense of truth, observed, in reply, 'Why, Sir, I have a Professor +of Signs in one of the northernmost colleges in my dominions; but +the distance is, perhaps, six hundred miles, so that it will be +impracticable for you to have an interview with him.' Pleased with this +unexpected information, the Ambassador exclaimed--'If it had been six +hundred leagues, I would go to see him; and I am determined to set out +in the course of three or four days.' The King, who now perceived that +he had committed himself, endeavoured to divert him from his purpose; +but, finding this impossible, he immediately caused letters to be +written to the college, stating the case as it really stood, and desired +the Professors to get rid of the Ambassador in the best manner they were +able, without exposing their Sovereign. Disconcerted at this strange and +unexpected message, the Professors scarcely knew how to proceed. They, +however, at length, thought to put off their august visitant, by saying, +that the Professor of Signs was not at home, and that his return +would be very uncertain. Having thus fabricated the story, they made +preparations to receive the illustrious stranger, who, keeping his word, +in due time reached their abode. On his arrival, being introduced with +becoming solemnity, he began to enquire, who among them had the honour +of being Professor of Signs? He was told in reply, that neither of +them had that exalted honour; but the learned gentleman, after whom +he enquired, was gone into the Highlands, that they conceived his stay +would be considerable; but that no one among them could even conjecture +the period of his return. 'I will wait his coming,' replied the +Ambassador, 'if it be twelve months.' + +“Finding him thus determined, and fearing, from the journey he had +already undertaken that he might be as good as his word, the learned +Professors had recourse to another stratagem. To this they found +themselves driven, by the apprehension that they must entertain him as +long as he chose to tarry; and in case he should unfortunately weary out +their patience, the whole affair must terminate ~263~~ in a discovery of +the fraud. They knew a Butcher, who had been in the habit of serving the +colleges occasionally with meat. This man, they thought, with a little +instruction might serve their purpose; he was, however, blind with one +eye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very well +knew how to conduct any farce to which his abilities were competent. + +“On sending for Geordy, (for that was the butcher's name) they +communicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was to +act, he readily undertook to become Professor of Signs, especially as he +was not to speak one word in the Ambassador's presence, on any pretence +whatever. Having made these arrangements, it was formally announced to +the Ambassador, that the Professor would be in town in the course of +a few days, when he might expect a silent interview. Pleased with +this information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put his +abilities at once to the test, by introducing into his dumb language +some subject that should be at once difficult, interesting, and +important. When the day of interview arrived, Geordy was cleaned up, +decorated with a large bushy wig, and covered over with a singular gown, +in every respect becoming his station. He was then seated in a chair +of state, in one of their large rooms, while the Ambassador and the +trembling Professors waited in an adjoining apartment. + +“It was at length announced, that the learned Professor of Signs was +ready to receive his Excellency, who, on entering the room, was struck +with astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. As none of +the Professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, under +a pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presence +might have some effect upon the risible muscles of Geordy's countenance) +they waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of this strange +adventure, upon which depended their own credit, that of the King, and, +in some degree, the honour of the nation. + +“As this was an interview of signs, the Ambassador began with Geordy, +by holding up one of his fingers; Geordy replied, by holding up two. The +Ambassador then held up three; Geordy answered, by clenching his fist, +and looking sternly. The Ambassador then took an orange from his pocket, +and held it up; Geordy returned the compliment, by taking from his +pocket a ~264~~ piece of a barley cake, which he exhibited in a similar +manner. The ambassador, satisfied with the vast attainments of the +learned Professor, then bowed before him with profound reverence, and +retired. On rejoining the agitated Professors, they fearfully began to +enquire what his Excellency thought of their learned brother? 'He is +a perfect miracle,' replied the Ambassador, 'his worth is not to be +purchased by the wealth of half the Indies.' 'May we presume to descend +to particulars?' returned the Professors, who now began to think +themselves somewhat out of danger. 'Gentlemen,' said the Ambassador, +'when I first entered into his presence, I held up one finger, to denote +that there is one God. He then held up two, signifying that the Father +should not be divided from the Son. I then held up three, intimating, +that I believed in Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. He then clenched his +fist, and, looking sternly at me, signified, that these three are +one; and that he would defy me, either to separate them, or to make +additions. I then took out an orange from my pocket, and held it up, to +show the goodness of God, and to signify that he gives to his creatures +not only the necessaries, but even the luxuries of life. Then, to my +utter astonishment, this wonderful man took from his pocket a piece of +bread, thus assuring me, that this was the staff of life, and was to be +preferred to all the luxuries in the world. Being thus satisfied with +his proficiency and great attainments in this science, I silently +withdrew, to reflect upon what I had witnessed.' “Diverted with the +success of their stratagem, the Professors continued to entertain their +visitor, until he thought prudent to withdraw. No sooner had he retired, +than the opportunity was seized to learn from Geordy, in what manner he +had proceeded to give the Ambassador such wonderful satisfaction; they +being at a loss to conceive how he could have caught his ideas with +so much promptitude, and have replied to them with proportionable +readiness. But, that one story might not borrow any features from +the other, they concealed from Geordy all they had learned from the +Ambassador; and desiring him to begin with his relation, he proceeded in +the following manner:--'When the rascal came into the room, after gazing +at me a little, what do you think, gentlemen, that he did? He held up +one finger, as much as to say, you have only one eye. I then held up +two, to ~265~~ let him know that my one eye was as good as both of +his. He then held up three, as much as to say, we have only three eyes +between us. This was so provoking, that I bent my fist at the scoundrel, +and had it not been for your sakes, I should certainly have risen from +the chair, pulled off my wig and gown, and taught him how to insult a +man, because he had the misfortune to lose one eye. The impudence of +the fellow, however, did not stop here; for he then pulled out an orange +from his pocket, and held it up, as much as to say, Your poor beggarly +country cannot produce this. I then pulled out a piece of good cake, and +held it up, giving him to understand, that I did not care a farthing for +his trash. Neither do I; and I only regret, that I did not thrash the +scoundrel's hide, that he might remember how he insulted me, and abused +my country.' We may learn from hence, that if there are not two ways of +telling a story, there are at least two ways of understanding Signs, and +also of interpreting them.” + +This story, which was told with considerable effect by their merry +companion, alternately called forth loud bursts of laughter, induced +profound silence, and particularly interested and delighted young +Mortimer and Tallyho; while Merrywell kept the glass in circulation, +insisting on _no day-light_{1} nor _heel-taps_,{2} and the lads began +to feel themselves all in high feather. Time was passing in fearless +enjoyment, and Frank Harry being called on by Merrywell for a song, +declared he had no objection to tip 'em a rum chant, provided it was +agreed that it should go round. + +This proposal was instantly acceded to, a promise made that he should +not be at a loss for a good _coal-box_;{3} and after a little more +rosin, without which, he said, he could not pitch the key-note, he sung +the following~266~~ + + SONG. + + Oh, London! dear London! magnanimous City, + Say where is thy likeness again to be found? + + Here pleasures abundant, delightful and pretty, + All whisk us and frisk us in magical round; + + 1 No day-light--That is to leave no space in the glass; or, + in other words, to take a bumper. + + 2 Heel-taps--To leave no wine at the bottom. + + 3 Coal-box--A very common corruption of chorus. + + Here we have all that in life can merry be, + Looking and laughing with friends Hob and Nob, + + More frolic and fun than there's bloom on the cherry-tree, + While we can muster a _Sovereign Bob_. + +(Spoken)--Yes, yes, London is the large world in a small compass: it +contains all the comforts and pleasures of human life--“Aye aye, (says a Bumpkin to his more accomplished +Kinsman) Ye mun brag o' yer Lunnun fare; if smoak, smother, mud, and +makeshift be the comforts and pleasures, gie me free air, health and +a cottage.”--Ha, ha, ha, Hark at the just-catch'd Johnny Rata, (says a +bang-up Lad in a lily-shallow and upper toggery) where the devil did +you come from? who let you loose upon society? d------e, you ought to +be coop'd up at Exeter 'Change among the wild beasts, the Kangaroos and +Catabaws, and shewn as the eighth wonder of the world! Shew 'em in! Shew +'em in! stir him up with a long pole; the like never seen before; +here's the head of an owl with the tail of an ass--all alive, alive O! +D------me how the fellow stares; what a marvellous piece of a mop-stick +without thrums.--“By gum (says the Bumpkin) you looks more like an ape, +and Ise a great mind to gie thee a douse o' the chops.”--You'd soon find +yourself chop-fallen there, my nabs, (replies his antagonist)--you are +not up to the gammon--you must go to College and learn to sing + + Oh, London! dear London! &c. + + Here the streets are so gay, and the features so smiling, + + With uproar and noise, bustle, bother, and gig; + The lasses (dear creatures! ) each sorrow beguiling, + + The Duke and the Dustman, the Peer and the Prig; + Here is his Lordship from gay Piccadilly, + + There an ould Clothesman from Rosemary Lane; + Here is a Dandy in search of a filly, + + And there is a Blood, ripe for milling a pane. + +(Spoken)--All higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw--Lawyers, Lapidaries, +Lamplighters, and Lap-dogs--Men-milliners, Money-lenders, and Fancy +Millers, Mouse-trap Mongers, and Matchmen, in one eternal round of +variety! Paradise is a pail of cold water in comparison with its +unparalleled pleasures--and the wishing cap of Fortunatus could not +produce a greater abundance of delight--Cat's Meat--Dog's Meat--Here +they are all four a penny, hot hot hot, smoking hot, piping hot +hot Chelsea Buns--Clothes sale, clothes--Sweep, sweep--while a poor +bare-footed Ballad Singer with a hoarse discordant voice at intervals +chimes in with + + “They led me like a pilgrim thro' the labyrinth of care, + You may know me by my sign and the robe that I wear;” + +~267~~ so that the concatenation of sounds mingling all at once into +one undistinguished concert of harmony, induces me to add mine to the +number, by singing-- + + Oh, London! dear London! &c. + + The Butcher, whose tray meets the dough of the Baker, + + And bundles his bread-basket out of his hand; + The Exquisite Lad, and the dingy Flue Faker,{1} + + And coaches to go that are all on the stand: + Here you may see the lean sons of Parnassus, + + The puffing Perfumer, so spruce and so neat; + While Ladies, who flock to the fam'd Bonassus, + + Are boning our hearts as we walk thro' the street. + +(Spoken)--“In gude truth,” says a brawney Scotchman, “I'se ne'er see'd +sic bonny work in a' my liefe--there's nae walking up the streets +without being knock'd doon, and nae walking doon the streets without +being tripp'd up.”--“Blood-an-oons, (says an Irishman) don't be after +blowing away your breath in blarney, my dear, when you'll want it +presently to cool your barley broth.”--“By a leaf,” cries a Porter with +a chest of drawers on his knot, and, passing between them, capsizes +both at once, then makes the best of his way on a jog-trot, humming +to himself, Ally Croaker, or Hey diddle Ho diddle de; and leaving +the fallen heroes to console themselves with broken heads, while +some officious friends are carefully placing them on their legs, and +genteelly easing their pockets of the possibles; after which they +toddle off at leisure, to sing + + Oh, London! dear London! &c. + + Then for buildings so various, ah, who would conceive it, + + Unless up to London they'd certainly been? + 'Tis a truth, I aver, tho' you'd scarcely believe it, + + That at the Court end not a Court's to be seen; + Then for grandeur or style, pray where is the nation + + For fashion or folly can equal our own? + Or fit out a fête like the grand Coronation? + + I defy the whole world, there is certainly none. + +(Spoken)--Talk of sights and sounds--is not there the Parliament +House, the King's Palace, and the Regent's Bomb--The Horse-guards, +the Body-guards, and the Black-guards--The Black-legs, and the +Bluestockings--The Horn-blower, and the Flying Pie-man--The Indian +Juggler--Punch and Judy--(imitating the well-known Show-man)--The young +and the old, the grave and the gay--The modest Maid and the willing +Cyprian--The Theatres--The Fives Court and the Court of Chancery--~268~~ + + 1 Flue Faker--A cant term for Chimney-sweep. + + The Giants in Guildhall, to be seen by great and small, and, + what's more than all, the Coronation Ball-- + + Mirth, fun, frolic, and frivolity, + To please the folks of quality: + + For all that can please the eye, the ear, the taste, the touch, + the smell, + + Whether bang-up in life, unfriended or undone, + + No place has such charms as the gay town of London. + + Oh, Loudon! dear London! &c. + +The quaint peculiarities of the Singer gave indescribable interest to +this song, as he altered his voice to give effect to the various cries +of the inhabitants, and it was knock'd down with three times three +rounds of applause; when Merrywell, being named for the next, sung, +accompanied with Dashall and Frank Harry, the following + + GLEE. + + “Wine, bring me wine--come fill the sparkling glass, + Brisk let the bottle circulate; + Name, quickly name each one his fav'rite lass, + Drive from your brows the clouds of fate: + Fill the sparkling bumper high, + Let us drain the bottom dry. + + Come, thou grape-encircled Boy! + From thy blissful seats above, + Crown the present hours with joy, + Bring me wine and bring me love: + Fill the sparkling bumper high, + Let us drain the bottom dry. + + Bacchus, o'er my yielding lip + Spread the produce of thy vine; + Love, thy arrows gently dip, + Temp'ring them with generous wine: + Fill the sparkling bumper high, + Let us drain the bottom dry.” + +In the mean time, the enemy of life was making rapid strides upon them +unheeded, till Dashall reminded Merrywell of their intended visit to +the East; and that as he expected a large portion of amusement in that +quarter, he proposed a move. + +They were by this time all well primed--ripe for a rumpus--bang-up for a +lark or spree, any where, any how, or with any body; they therefore took +leave of their present scene of gaiety.~269~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + “Wand'ring with listless gait and spirits gay, + They Eastward next pursued their jocund way; + With story, joke, smart repartee and pun, + Their business pleasure, and their object fun.” + +IT was a fine moonlight evening, and upon leaving the Globe, they again +found themselves in the hurry, bustle, and noise of the world. The glare +of the gas-lights, and the rattling of coaches, carts and vehicles of +various-descriptions, mingled with + + “The busy hum of men,” + +attracted the attention of their eyes and ears, while the exhilarating +juice of the bottle had given a circulation to the blood which +enlivened imagination and invigorated fancy. Bob conceived himself in +Elysium, and Frank Harry was as frisky as a kitten. The first object +that arrested their progress was the house of Mr. Hone, whose political +Parodies, and whose trials on their account, have given him so much +celebrity. His window at the moment exhibited his recent satirical +publication entitled a Slap at Slop and the Bridge Street Gang.{1} + + 1 The great wit and humour displayed in this publication + have deservedly entitled it to rank high among the jeu + desprit productions of this lively age--to describe it were + impossible--to enjoy it must be to possess it; but for the + information of such of our readers as are remote from the + Metropolis, it may perhaps be necessary to give something + like a key of explanation to its title. A certain learned + Gentleman, formerly the Editor of the Times, said now to be + the Conductor of the New Times, who has by his writings + rendered himself obnoxious to a numerous class of readers, + has been long known by the title of Dr. Slop; in his + publication, denominated the mock Times, and the Slop Pail, + he has been strenuous in his endeavours to support and + uphold a Society said to mis-call themselves The + Constitutional Society, but now denominated The Bridge + Street Gang; and the publication alluded to, contains + humorous and satirical parodies, and sketches of the usual + contents of his Slop Pail; with a Life of the learned + Doctor, and an account of the origin of the Gang. + +~270~~ “Here,” said Tom, “we are introduced at once into a fine field +of observation. The inhabitant of this house defended himself in three +different trials for the publication of alleged impious, profane, and +scandalous libels on the Catechism, the Litany, and the Creed of St. +Athanasius, with a boldness, intrepidity, and perseverance, almost +unparalleled, as they followed in immediate succession, without even an +allowance of time for bodily rest or mental refreshment.” + +“Yes,” continued Frank Harry, “and gained a verdict on each occasion, +notwithstanding the combined efforts of men in power, and those whose +constant practice in our Courts of Law, with learning and information at +their fingers ends, rendered his enemies fearful antagonists.” + +“It was a noble struggle,” said Tallyho; “I remember we had accounts +of it in the country, and we did not fail to express our opinions by +subscriptions to remunerate the dauntless defender of the rights and +privileges of the British subject.” + +“_Tip us your flipper_“{1} said Harry---“then I see you are a true bit +of the bull breed--one of us, as I may say. Well, now you see the spot +of earth he inhabits--zounds, man, in his shop you will find amusement +for a month--see here is The House that Jack Built--there is the Queen's +Matrimonial Ladder, do you mark?--What think you of these qualifications +for a Gentleman? + +“In love, and in liquor, and o'ertoppled with debt, With women, with +wine, and with duns on the fret.” + +There you have the Nondescript-- + + “A something, a nothing--what none understand, + Be-mitred, be-crowned, but without heart or hand; + There's Jack in the Green too, and Noodles, alas! + “Who doodle John Bull of gold, silver, and brass. + +“Come,” said Dashall, “you must cut your story short; I know if you +begin to preach, we shall have a sermon as long as from here to South +America, so allons;” and with this impelling his Cousin forward, they + + 1 Tip us your Flipper--your mawley--your daddle, or your + thieving hook; are terms made use of as occasions may suit + the company in which they are introduced, to signify a desire + to shake hands. + +~271~~ approached towards Saint Paul's, chiefly occupied in conversation +on the great merit displayed in the excellent designs of Mr. Cruikshank, +which embellish the work they had just been viewing; nor did they +discover any thing further worthy of notice, till Bob's ears were +suddenly attracted by a noise somewhat like that of a rattle, and +turning sharply round to discover from whence it came, was amused with +the sight of several small busts of great men, apparently dancing to the +music of a weaver's shuttle.{1} + +“What the devil do you call this?” said he--“is it an exhibition of +wax-work, or a model academy?” + +“Neither,” replied Dashall; “this is no other than the shop of a +well-known dealer in stockings and nightcaps, who takes this ingenious +mode of making himself popular, and informing the passengers that + + “Here you may be served with all patterns and sizes, + From the foot to the head, at moderate prices;” + +with woolens for winter, and cottons for summer--Let us move on, for +there generally is a crowd at the door, and there is little doubt but he +profits by those who are induced to gaze, as most people do in London, +if they can but entrap attention. Romanis is one of those gentlemen who +has contrived to make some noise in the world by puffing advertisements, +and the circulation of poetical handbills. He formerly kept a very small +shop for the sale of hosiery nearly opposite the East-India House, where +he supplied the Sailors after receiving their pay for a long voyage, as +well as their Doxies, with the articles in which he deals, by obtaining +permission to style himself “Hosier to the Rt. Hon. East India Company.” + Since which, finding his trade increase and his purse extended, he has +extended his patriotic views of clothing the whole population of London +by opening shops in various parts, and has at almost all times two or +three depositories for + +1 Romanis, the eccentric Hosier, generally places a loom near the door +of his shops decorated with small busts; some of which being attached +to the upper movements of the machinery, and grotesquely attired in +patchwork and feathers, bend backwards and forwards with the motion of +the works, apparently to salute the spectators, and present to the idea +persons dancing; while every passing of the shuttle produces a noise +which may be assimilated to that of the Rattlesnake, accompanied with +sounds something like those of a dancing-master beating time to his +scholars. ~272~~ his stock. At this moment, besides what we have just +seen, there is one in Gracechurch Street, and another in Shoreditch, +where the passengers are constantly assailed by a little boy, who stands +at the door with some bills in his hand, vociferating--Cheap, cheap.” + +“Then,” said Bob, “wherever he resides I suppose may really be called +Cheapside?” + +“With quite as much propriety,” continued Ton, “as the place we are now +in; for, as the Irishman says in his song, + + “At a place called Cheapside they sell every thing dear.” + +During this conversation, Mortimer, Merrywell, and Harry were amusing +themselves by occasionally addressing the numerous Ladies who were +passing, and taking a peep at the shops--giggling with girls, or +admiring the taste and elegance displayed in the sale of fashionable and +useful articles--justled and impeded every now and then by the throng. +Approaching Bow Church, they made a dead stop for a moment. + +“What a beautiful steeple!” exclaimed Bob; “I should, though no +architect, prefer this to any I have yet seen in London.” + +“Your remark,” replied Dashall, “does credit to your taste; it is +considered the finest in the Metropolis. St. Paul's displays the grand +effort of Sir Christopher Wren; but there are many other fine specimens +of his genius to be seen in the City. His Latin Epitaph in St. Paul's +may be translated thus: 'If you seek his monument, look around you;' and +we may say of this steeple, 'If you wish a pillar to his fame, look +up.' The interior of the little church, Walbrook,{1} (St. Stephen's) is +likewise considered a + + 1 This church is perhaps unrivalled, for the beauty of the + architecture of its interior. For harmony of proportion, + grace, airiness, variety, and elegance, it is not to be + surpassed. It is a small church, built in the form of a + cross. The roof is supported by Corinthian columns, so + disposed as to raise an idea of grandeur, which the + dimensions of the structure do not seem to promise. Over the + centre, at which the principal aisles cross, is a dome + divided into compartments, the roof being partitioned in a + similar manner, and the whole finely decorated. The effect + of this build-ing is inexpressibly delightful; the eye at + one glance embracing a plan full and distinct, and + afterwards are seen a greater number of parts than the + spectator was prepared to expect. It is known and admired on + the Continent, as a master-piece of art. Over the altar is a + fine painting of the martyrdom of St. Stephen, by West. + +~273~~ _chef d'ouvre_ of the same artist, and serves to display the +versatility of his genius.” + +Instead however of looking up, Bob was looking over the way, where a +number of people, collected round a bookseller's window, had attracted +his attention. + +“Apropos,” cried Dashall,--“The Temple of Apollo--we should have +overlook'd a fine subject, but for your remark--yonder is Tegg's Evening +Book Auction, let us cross and see what's going on. He is a fellow of +'infinite mirth and good humour,' and many an evening have I passed at +his Auction, better amused than by a farce at the Theatre.” + +They now attempted to cross, but the intervening crowd of carriages, +three or four deep, and in a line as far as the eye could reach, for the +present opposed an obstacle. + +“If I could think of it,” said Sparkle, “I'd give you the Ode on his +Birth-day, which I once saw in MS.--it is the _jeu d'esprit_ of a very +clever young Poet, and who perhaps one of these days may be better +known; but poets, like anatomical subjects, are worth but little till +dead.” + +“And for this reason, I suppose,” says Tom, “their friends and patrons +are anxious they should rather be starved than die a natural death.” + +“Oh! now I have it--let us remain in the Church-yard a few minutes, +while the carriages pass, and you shall hear it.”~274~~ + + “Ye hackney-coaches, and ye carts, + That oft so well perform your parts + For those who choose to ride, + Now louder let your music grow-- + Your heated axles fiery glow-- + Whether you travel quick or slow- + In Cheapside. + + For know, “ye ragged rascals all,” + (As H----- would in his pulpit bawl + With cheeks extended wide) + Know, as you pass the crowded way, + This is the happy natal day + Of Him whose books demand your stay + In Cheapside. + + 'Twas on the bright propitious morn + When the facetious Tegcy was born, + Of mirth and fun the pride, + That Nature said “good Fortune follow, + Bear him thro' life o'er hill and hollow, + Give him the Temple of Apollo + In Cheapside.” + + Then, O ye sons of Literature! + Shew your regard for Mother Nature, + Nor let her be denied: + Hail! hail the man whose happy birth + May tell the world of mental worth; + They'll find the best books on the earth + In Cheapside. + +“Good!” exclaimed Bob; “but we will now endeavour to make our way +across, and take a peep at the subject of the Ode.” + +Finding the auction had not yet commenced, Sparkle proposed adjourning +to the Burton Coffee House in the adjacent passage, taking a nip of ale +by way of refreshment and exhilaration, and returning in half an hour. +This proposition was cordially agreed to by all, except Tallyho, whose +attention was engrossed by a large collection of Caricatures which +lay exposed in a portfolio on the table beneath the rostrum. The +irresistible broad humour of the subjects had taken fast hold of his +risible muscles, and in turning them over one after the other, he found +it difficult to part with such a rich fund of humour, and still more so +to stifle the violent emotion it excited. At length, clapping his hands +to his sides, he gave full vent to the impulse in a horse-laugh from a +pair of truly Stentorian lungs, and was by main force dragged out by his +companions. + +While seated in the comfortable enjoyment of their nips of ale, Sparkle, +with his usual vivacity, began an elucidation of the subjects they +had just left. “The collection of Caricatures,” said he, “which is +considered the largest in London, are mostly from the pencil of that +self-taught artist, the late George Woodward, and display not only a +genuine and original style of humour in the design, but a corresponding +and appropriate character in the dialogue, or speeches connected with +the figures. Like his contemporary in another branch of the art, George +Morland, he possessed all the eccentricity and thoughtless improvidence +so common and frequently so fatal to genius; and had not his good +fortune led him towards Bow Church, he must have suffered severe +privations, and perhaps eventually have perished of want. Here, he +always found a ready market, and a liberal price for his productions, +however rude or hasty the sketch, or whatever might be the subject of +them.” + +~275~~ “As to books,” continued he, “all ages, classes, and appetites, +may be here suited. The superficial dabbler in, and pretender to every +thing, will find collections, selections, beauties, flowers, gems, &c. +The man of real knowledge may here purchase the elements, theory, +and practice of every art and science, in all the various forms and +dimensions, from a single volume, to the Encyclopedia at large. +The dandy may meet with plenty of pretty little foolscap volumes, +delightfully hot-pressed, and exquisitely embellished; the contents of +which will neither fatigue by the quantity, nor require the laborious +effort of thought to comprehend. The jolly _bon-vivant_ and Bacchanal +will find abundance of the latest songs, toasts, and sentiments; and the +Would-be-Wit will meet with Joe Miller in such an endless variety of +new dresses, shapes, and sizes, that he may fancy he possesses all the +collected wit of ages brought down to the present moment. The young +Clerical will find sermons adapted to every local circumstance, every +rank and situation in society, and may furnish himself with a complete +stock in trade of sound orthodox divinity; while the City Epicure may +store himself with a complete library on the arts of confectionary, +cookery, &c, from Apicius, to the “Glutton's Almanack.” The Demagogue +may furnish himself with flaming patriotic speeches, ready cut and +dried, which he has only to learn by heart against the next Political +Dinner, and if he should not 'let the cat out,' by omitting to +substitute the name of Londonderry for Cæsar, he may pass off for a +second Brutus, and establish an equal claim to oratory with Burke, Pitt, +and Fox. The----” + +“Auction will be over,” interrupted Bob, “before you get half through +your descriptive Catalogue of the Books, so finish your nip, and let us +be off.” + +They entered, and found the Orator hard at it, knocking down with all +the energy of a Crib, and the sprightly wit of a Sheridan. Puns, bon +mots, and repartees, flew about like crackers. + +“The next lot, Gentlemen, is the Picture of London,--impossible to +possess a more useful book--impossible to say what trouble and expence +may be avoided by the possession of this little volume. When your +Country Cousins pay you a visit, what a bore, what an expence, to be +day after day leading them about--taking them up the Monument--down +the Adelphi--round St. Paul's--across the ~276~~ Parks, through the new +Streets--along the Strand, or over the Docks, the whole of which may be +avoided at the expence of a few shillings. You have only to clap into +their pocket in the morning this invaluable little article, turn them +out for the day, and, if by good luck they should not fall into the +hands of sharpers and swindlers, your dear Coz will return safe home at +night, with his head full of wonders, and his pockets empty of cash!” + +“The d----l,” whispered Bob, “he seems to know me, and what scent we are +upon.” + +“Aye,” replied his Cousin, “he not only knows you, but he knows that +some of your cash will soon be in his pockets, and has therefore made a +dead set at you.” + +“Next lot, Gentlemen, is a work to which my last observation bore some +allusion; should your friends, as I then observed, fortunately escape +the snares and dangers laid by sharpers and swindlers to entrap the +unwary, you may, perchance, see them safe after their day's ramble; but +should--aye, Gentlemen, there's the rub--should they be caught by the +numerous traps and snares laid for the Johnny Raw and Greenhorn in this +great and wicked metropolis, God knows what may become of them. Now, +Gentlemen, we have a remedy for every disease--here is the London Spy +or Stranger's Guide through the Metropolis; here all the arts, frauds, +delusions, &c. are exposed, and--Tom, give that Gentleman change for +his half crown, and deliver Lot 3.--As I was before observing, +Gentlemen--Turn out that young rascal who is making such a noise, +cracking nuts, that I can't hear the bidding.--Gentlemen, as I before +observed, if you will do me the favour of bidding me--” + +“Good night, Sir,” cried a younker, who had just exploded a detonating +cracker, and was making his escape through the crowd. + +“The next lot, gentlemen, is the Young Man's best Companion, and as your +humble Servant is the author, he begs to decline any panegyric--modesty +forbids it--but leaves it entirely with you to appreciate its +merits--two shillings--two and six--three shillings--three and +six--four, going for four--for you, Sir, at four.” + +“Me, Sir! Lord bless you, I never opened my mouth!” + +“Perfectly aware of that, Sir, it was quite unnecessary--I could read +your intention in your eye--and observed the muscle of the mouth, call'd +by anatomists the + +~277~~ _zygomaticus major_, in the act of moving. I should have been +dull not to have noticed it--and rude not to have saved you the +trouble of speaking: Tom, deliver the Gentleman the lot, and take four +shillings.” + +“Well, Sir, I certainly feel flattered with your acute and polite +attention, and can do no less than profit by it--so hand up the +lot--cheap enough, God knows.” + +“And pray,” said Dashall to his Cousin as they quitted, “what do you +intend doing with all your purchases? why it will require a waggon to +remove them.” + +“O, I shall send the whole down to Belville Hall: our friends there will +be furnished with a rare stock of entertainment during the long winter +evenings, and no present I could offer would be half so acceptable.” + +“Well,” remarked Mortimer, “you bid away bravely, and frequently in your +eagerness advanced on yourself: at some sales you would have paid dearly +for this; but here no advantage was taken, the mistake was explained, +and the bidding declined in the most fair and honourable manner. I have +often made considerable purchases, and never yet had reason to repent, +which is saying much; for if I inadvertently bid for, and had a lot +knocked down to me, which I afterwards disliked, I always found an +acquaintance glad to take it off my hands at the cost, and in several +instances have sold or exchanged to considerable advantage. One thing I +am sorry we overlooked: a paper entitled, “Seven Reasons,” is generally +distributed during the Sale, and more cogent reasons I assure you could +not be assigned, both for purchasing and reading in general, had the +seven wise men of Greece drawn them up. You may at any time procure a +copy, and it will furnish you with an apology for the manner in which +you have spent your time and money, for at least one hour, during your +abode in London.” + +Please, Sir, to buy a ha'porth of matches, said a poor, squalid little +child without a shoe to her foot, who was running by the side of +Bob--it's the last ha'porth, Sir, and I must sell them before I go home. + +This address was uttered in so piteous a tone, that it could not well be +passed unheeded. + +“Why,” said Tallyho, “as well as Bibles and Schools for all, London +seems to have a match for every body.” + +“Forty a penny, Spring-radishes,” said a lusty bawling ~278~~ fellow as +he passed, in a voice so loud and strong, as to form a complete contrast +to the little ragged Petitioner, 'who held out her handful of matches +continuing her solicitations. Bob put his hand in his pocket, and gave +her sixpence. + +“We shall never get on at this rate,” said Tom; “and I find I must again +advise you not to believe all you hear and see. These little ragged +run-abouts are taught by their Parents a species of imposition or +deception of which you are not aware, and while perhaps you congratulate +yourself with 'the thought of having done a good act, you are only +contributing to the idleness and dissipation of a set of hardened +beings, who are laughing at your credulity; and I suspect this is a case +in point--do you see that woman on the opposite side of the way, and the +child giving her the money?” + +“I do,” said Tallyho; “that, I suppose, is her mother?” + +“Probably,” continued Dashall--“now mark what will follow.” + +They stopped a short time, and observed that the Child very soon +disposed of her last bunch of matches, as she had termed them, gave the +money to the woman, who supplied her in return with another last bunch, +to be disposed of in a similar way. + +“Is it possible?” said Bob. + +“Not only possible, but you see it is actual; it is not however the only +species of deceit practised with success in London in a similar way; +indeed the trade of match-making has latterly been a good one among +those who have been willing to engage in it. Many persons of decent +appearance, representing themselves to be tradesmen and mechanics out +of employ, have placed themselves at the corners of our streets, and +canvassed the outskirts of the town, with green bags, carrying matches, +which, by telling a pityful tale, they induce housekeepers and others, +who commiserate their situation, to purchase; and, in the evening, are +able to figure away in silk stockings with the produce of their labours. +There is one man, well known in town, who makes a very good livelihood +by bawling in a stentorian voice, + + “Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, + Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, + Buy my good matches, come buy'em of me.” + +~279~~ He is usually dressed in something like an old military great +coat, wears spectacles, and walks with a stick.” + +“And is a match for any body, match him who can,”, cried Frank Harry; +“But, bless your heart, that's nothing to another set of gentry, who +have infested our streets in clean apparel, with a broom in their hands, +holding at the same time a hat to receive the contributions of the +passengers, whose benevolent donations are drawn forth without inquiry +by the appearance of the applicant.” + +“It must,” said Tallyho, “arise from the distresses of the times.” + +“There may be something in that,” said Tom; “but in many instances it +has arisen from the depravity of the times--to work upon the well-known +benevolent feelings of John Bull; for those who ambulate the public +streets of this overgrown and still increasing Metropolis and its +principal avenues, are continually pestered with impudent impostors, of +both sexes, soliciting charity--men and women, young and old, who get +more by their pretended distresses in one day than many industrious and +painstaking tradesmen or mechanics do in a week. All the miseries, +all the pains of life, with tears that ought to be their honest and +invariable signals, can be and are counterfeited--limbs, which enjoy the +fair proportion of nature, are distorted, to work upon humanity--fits +are feigned and wounds manufactured--rags, and other appearances of the +most squalid and abject poverty, are assumed, as the best engines of +deceit, to procure riches to the idle and debaucheries to the infamous. +Ideal objects of commiseration are undoubtedly to be met with, though +rarely to be found. It requires a being hackneyed in the ways of men, or +having at least some knowledge of the town, to be able to discriminate +the party deserving of benevolence; but + + “A begging they will go will go, + And a begging they will go.” + +The chief cause assigned by some for the innumerable classes of +mendicants that infest our streets, is a sort of innate principle of +independence and love of liberty. However, it must be apparent that they +do not like to work, and to beg they are not ashamed; they are, +with very few exceptions, lazy and impudent. And then what ~280~~ is +collected from the humane but deluded passengers is of course expended +at their festivals in Broad Street, St. Giles's, or some other equally +elegant and appropriate part of the town, to which we shall at an early +period pay a visit. Their impudence is intolerable; for, if refused +a contribution, they frequently follow up the denial with the vilest +execrations. + + “To make the wretched blest, + Private charity is best.” + +“The common beggar spurns at your laws; indeed many of their arts are so +difficult of detection, that they are enabled to escape the vigilance of +the police, and with impunity insult those who do not comply with their +wishes, seeming almost to say, + + “While I am a beggar I will rail, + And say there is no sin but to be rich; + And being rich, my virtue then shall be, + To say there is no vice but beggary.” + +“Begging has become so much a sort of trade, that parents have been +known to give their daughters or sons the begging of certain streets in +the metropolis as marriage portions; and some years ago some scoundrels +were in the practice of visiting the outskirts of the town in sailors' +dresses, pretending to be dumb, and producing written papers stating +that their tongues had been cut out by the Algerines, by which means +they excited compassion, and were enabled to live well.” + +“No doubt it is a good trade,” said Merry well, “and I expected we +should have been made better acquainted with its real advantages by +Capt. Barclay, of walking and sporting celebrity, who, it was said, had +laid a wager of 1000L. that he would walk from London to Edinburgh in +the assumed character of a beggar, pay all his expences of living well +on the road, and save out of his gains fifty pounds.” + +“True,” said Tom, “but according to the best account that can be +obtained, that report is without foundation. The establishment, however, +of the Mendicity Society{1} + + 1 The frauds and impositions practised upon the public are + so numerous, that volumes might be filled by detailing the + arts that have been and are resorted to by mendicants; and + the records of the Society alluded to would furnish + instances that might almost stagger the belief of the most + credulous. The life of the infamous Vaux exhibits numerous + instances in which he obtained money under genteel + professions, by going about with a petition soliciting the + aid and assistance of the charitable and humane; and + therefore are continually cheats who go from door to door + collecting money for distressed families, or for charitable + purposes. It is, however, a subject so abundant, and + increasing by every day's observation, that we shall for the + present dismiss it, as there will be other opportunities in + the course of the work for going more copiously into it. + +281~~ is calculated to discover much on this subject, and has already +brought to light many instances of depravity and deception, well +deserving the serious consideration of the public.” + +As they approached the end of the Poultry,--“This,” said Dashall, “is +the heart of the first commercial city in the known world. On the right +is the Mansion House, the residence of the Lord Mayor for the time +being.” + +The moon had by this time almost withdrawn her cheering beams, and there +was every appearance, from the gathering clouds, of a shower of rain. + +“It is rather a heavy looking building, from what I can see at present,” + replied Tallyho. + +“Egad!” said Tom, “the appearance of every thing at this moment is +gloomy, let us cross.” + +With this, they crossed the road to Debatt's the Pastry Cook's Shop. + +“Zounds!” said Tom, casting his eye upon the clock, “it is after ten; I +begin to suspect we must alter our course, and defer a view of the east +to a more favourable opportunity, and particularly as we are likely to +have an accompaniment of water.” + +“Never mind,” said Merrywell, “we can very soon be in very comfortable +quarters; besides, a rattler is always to be had or a comfortable +lodging to be procured with an obliging bed-fellow--don't you begin to +croak before there is any occasion for it--what has time to do with us?” + +“Aye aye,” said Frank Harry, “don't be after damping us before we +get wet; this is the land of plenty, and there is no fear of being +lost--come along.” + +“On the opposite side,” said Tom, addressing his Cousin, “is the Bank of +England; it is a building of large extent and immense business; you can +now only discern its exterior by the light of the lamps; it is however +a place 282~~ to which we must pay a visit, and take a complete survey +upon some future occasion. In the front is the Royal Exchange, the daily +resort of the Merchants and Traders of the Metropolis, to transact their +various business.” + +“Come,” said Merry well, “I find we are all upon the right scent--Frank +Harry has promised to introduce us to a house of well known resort in +this neighbourhood--we will shelter ourselves under the staple commodity +of the country--for the Woolsack and the Woolpack, I apprehend, are +synonimous.” + +“Well thought of, indeed,” said Dashall; “it is a house where you may +at all times be certain of good accommodation and respectable +society--besides, I have some acquaintance there of long standing, and +may probably meet with them; so have with you, my boys. The Woolpack +in Cornhill,” continued he, addressing himself more particularly to +Tallyho, “is a house that has been long established, and deservedly +celebrated for its general accommodations, partaking as it does of the +triple qualifications of tavern, chop-house, and public-house. Below +stairs is a commodious room for smoking parties, and is the constant +resort of foreigners,{1} + + + 1 There is an anecdote related, which strongly induces a + belief that Christian VII. while in London, visited this + house in company with his dissipated companion, Count + Holcke, which, as it led to the dismissal of Holcke, and the + promotion of the afterwards unfortunate Struensée, and is + perhaps not very generally known, we shall give here. + + One day while in London, Count Holcke and Christian vir. + went to a well-known public-house not far from the Bank, + which was much frequented by Dutch and Swedish Captains: + Here they listened to the conversation of the company, + which, as might be expected, was full of expressions of + admiration and astonishment at the splendid festivities + daily given in honour of Christian VII. Count Holcke, who + spoke German in its purity, asked an old Captain what he + thought of his King, and if he were not proud of the honours + paid to him by the English?--“I think (said the old man + dryly) that with such counsellors as Count Holcke, if he + escapes destruction it will be a miracle.”--' Do you know + Count Holcke, my friend, (said the disguised courtier) as + you speak of him thus familiarly?'--“Only by report (replied + the Dane); but every person in Copenhagen pities the young + Queen, attributing the coolness which the King shewed + towards her, ere he set out on his voyage, to the malicious + advice of Holcke.” The confusion of this minion may be + easier conceived than described; whilst the King, giving the + Skipper a handful of ducats, bade him _speak the truth and + shame the devil_. As soon, however, as the King spoke in + Danish, the Skipper knew him, and looking at him with love + and reverence, said in a low, subdued tone of voice--” + Forgive me, Sire, but I cannot forbear my tears to see you + exposed to the temptations of this extensive and wicked + Metropolis, under the pilotage of the most dissolute + nobleman of Denmark.” Upon which he retired, bowing + profoundly to his Sovereign, and casting at Count Holcke a + look full of defiance and reproach. Holcke's embarrassment + was considerably increased by this, and he was visibly hurt, + seeing the King in a manner countenanced the rudeness of the + Skipper. + + This King, who it should seem determined to see _Real Life + in London_, mingled in all societies, participating in their + gaieties and follies, and by practices alike injurious to + body and soul, abandoned himself to destructive habits, + whose rapid progress within a couple of years left nothing + but a shattered and debilitated hulk afflicted in the + morning of life with all the imbecility of body and mind + incidental to extreme old age. + +~283~~ who are particularly partial to the brown stout, which they can +obtain there in higher perfection than in any other house in London. +Brokers and others, whose business calls them to the Royal Exchange, are +also pretty constant visitors, to meet captains and traders--dispose of +different articles of merchandise--engage shipping and bind bargains--it +is a sort of under Exchange, where business and refreshment go hand in +hand with the news of the day, and the clamour of the moment; beside +which, the respectable tradesmen of the neighbourhood meet in an evening +to drive dull care away, and converse on promiscuous subjects; it is +generally a mixed company, but, being intimately connected with our +object of seeing _Real Life in London_, deserves a visit. On the first +floor is a good room for dining, where sometimes eighty persons in a +day are provided with that necessary meal in a genteel style, and at a +moderate price--besides other rooms for private parties. Above these is +perhaps one of the handsomest rooms in London, of its size, capable of +dining from eighty to a hundred persons. But you will now partake of its +accommodations, and mingle with some of its company.” + +By this time they had passed the Royal Exchange, and Tom was enlarging +upon the new erections lately completed; when all at once, + +“Hallo,” said Bob, “what is become of our party?” “All right,” replied +his Cousin; “they have given us the slip without slipping from us--I +know their movements to a moment, we shall very soon be with them--this +way--this way,” said he, drawing Bob into the narrow passage which leads +to the back of St. Peter's Church, Cornhill--“this is the track we must +follow.” + +Tallyho followed in silence till they entered the house, and were +greeted by the Landlord at the bar with a bow of welcome; passing +quickly to the right, they were saluted with immoderate volumes of +smoke, conveying to their olfactory nerves the refreshing fumes of +tobacco, and almost taking from them the power of sight, except to +observe a bright flame burning in the middle of the room. Tom darted +forward, and knowing his way well, was quickly seated by the side of +Merrywell, Mortimer, and Harry; while Tallyho was seen by those who were +invisible to him', groping his way in the same direction, amidst the +laughter of the company, occasionally interlarded with scraps which +caught his ear from a gentleman who was at the moment reading some of +the comments from the columns of the Courier, in which he made frequent +pauses and observations. + +~284~~ “Why, you can't see yourself for smoke,” said one; “D------n it +how hard you tread,” said another. And then a line from the Reader came +as follows--“The worthy Alderman fought his battles o'er again--Ha, ha, +ha--Who comes here 1 upon my word, Sir, I thought you had lost your way, +and tumbled into the Woolpack instead of the Skin-market.--' It is a +friend of mine, Sir.'--That's a good joke, upon my soul; not arrived +yet, why St. Martin's bells have been ringing all day; perhaps he is +only half-seas over--Don't tell me, I know better than that--D------n +that paper, it ought to be burnt by--The fish are all poison'd by the +Gas-light Company--Six weeks imprisonment for stealing two dogs!--Hides +and bark--How's sugars to-day?--Stocks down indeed--Yes, Sir, and bread +up--Presto, be gone--What d'ye think of that now, eh?--Gammon, nothing +but gammon--On table at four o'clock ready dressed and--Well done, my +boy, that's prime.” + +These sentences were uttered from different parts of the room in +almost as great a variety of voices as there must have been subjects +of conversation; but as they fell upon the ear of Tallyho without +connection, he almost fancied himself transported to the tower of Babel +amidst the confusion of tongues. + +“Beg pardon,” said Tallyho, who by this time had gained a seat by his +Cousin, and was gasping like a turtle for air--“I am not used to this +travelling in the dark; but I shall be able to see presently.” + +“See,” said Frank Harry, “who the devil wants to see more than their +friends around them? and here we are _at home to a peg_.” + +~285~~ “I shall have finished in two minutes, Gentlemen,” said the +Reader,{1} cocking up a red nose, that shone with resplendent lustre +between his spectacles, and then continuing to read on, only listened +to by a few of those around him, while a sort of general buz of +conversation was indistinctly heard from all quarters. + +They were quickly supplied with grog and segars, and Bob, finding +himself a little better able to make use of his eyes, was throwing +his glances to every part of the room, in order to take a view of the +company: and while Tom was congratulated by those who knew him at the +_Round Table_--Merrywell and Harry were in close conversation with +Mortimer. + +At a distant part of the room, one could perceive boxes containing small +parties of convivials, smoking and drinking, every one seeming to have +some business of importance to claim occasional attention, or engaged +in, + +“The loud laugh that speaks the vacant mind.” In one corner was a stout +swarthy-looking man, with large whiskers and of ferocious appearance, +amusing those around him with conjuring tricks, to their great +satisfaction and delight; nearly opposite the Reader of the Courier, sat +an elderly Gentleman{2} with grey hair, who heard + + 1 To those who are in the habit of visiting this room in an + evening, the character alluded to here will immediately be + familiar. He is a gentleman well known in the neighbourhood + as an Auctioneer, and he has a peculiar manner of reading + with strong emphasis certain passages, at the end of which + he makes long pauses, laughs with inward satisfaction, and + not infrequently infuses a degree of pleasantry in others. + The Courier is his favourite paper, and if drawn into an + argument, he is not to be easily subdued. + + “At arguing too each person own'd his skill, + For e'en tho' vanquish'd, he can argue still.” + + 2 This gentleman, who is also well known in the room, where + he generally smokes his pipe of an evening, is plain and + blunt, but affable and communicative in his manners--bold in + his assertions, and has proved himself courageous in + defending them--asthmatic, and by some termed phlegmatic; + but an intelligent and agreeable companion, unless thwarted + in his argument--a stanch friend to the late Queen and the + constitution of his country, with a desire to have the + _Constitution, the whole Constitution, and nothing but the + Constitution_. + +~286~~ what was passing, but said nothing; he however puffed away large +quantities of smoke at every pause of the Reader, and occasionally +grinn'd at the contents of the paper, from which. Tallyho readily +concluded that he was in direct political opposition to its sentiments. + +The acquisition of new company was not lost upon to those who were +seated at the round table, and it was not long before the Hon. Tom +Dashall was informed that they hoped to have the honour of his Cousin's +name as a member; nor were they backward in conveying a similar hint +to Frank Harry, who immediately proposed his two friends, Mortimer and +Merry well; an example which was followed by Tom's proposing his Cousin. + +[Illustration: page286 Road to a Fight] + +Such respectable introductions could not fail to meet the approbation +of the Gentlemen present,--consequently they were unanimously elected +Knights of the Round Table, which was almost as quickly supplied by the +Waiter with a capacious bowl of punch, and the healths of the newmade +Members drank with three times three; when their attention was suddenly +drawn to a distant part of the room, where a sprightly Stripling, who +was seated by the swarthy Conjuror before mentioned, was singing the +following Song: + + THE JOYS OF A MILL, + OR + A TODDLE TO A FIGHT. + + + “Now's the time for milling, boys, since all the world's agog + for it, + Away to Copthorne, Moulsey Hurst, or Slipperton they go; + Or grave or gay, they post away, nay pawn their very togs + for it, + And determined to be up to all, go down to see the show: + Giddy pated, hearts elated, cash and courage all to view it, + Ev'ry one to learn a bit, and tell his neighbours how to do it; + E'en little Sprites in lily whites, are fibbing it and rushing it, + Your dashing Swells from Bagnigge Wells, are flooring it and + flushing it: + + Oh! 'tis a sight so gay and so uproarious, + That all the world is up in arms, and ready for a fight. + The roads are so clogg'd, that they beggar all description now, + With lads and lasses, prim'd and grogg'd for bang-up fun and + glee; + Here's carts and gigs, and knowing prigs all ready to kick up a row, + And ev'ry one is anxious to obtain a place to see; + Here's a noted sprig of life, who sports his tits and clumner too, + And there is Cribb and Gully, Belcher, Oliver, and H armer too, + With Shelton, Bitton, Turner, Hales, and all the lads to go it well, + Who now and then, to please the Fancy, make opponents know it + well: + + Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. + But now the fight's begun, and the Combatants are setting to, + Silence is aloud proclaim'd by voices base and shrill; + Facing, stopping---fibbing, dropping--claret tapping--betting too-- + Reeling, rapping--physic napping, all to grace the mill; + Losing, winning--horse-laugh, grinning--mind you do not glance + away, + Or somebody may mill your mug, and of your nob in Chancery; + For nobs and bobs, and empty fobs, the like no tongue could ever + tell-- + See, here's the heavy-handed Gas, and there's the mighty Non- + pareil: + + Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. + Thus milling is the fashion grown, and ev'ry one a closer is; + With lessons from the lads of fist to turn out quite the thing; + True science may be learn'd where'er the fam'd Mendoza is, + And gallantry and bottom too from Scroggins, Martin, Spring; + For sparring now is all the rage in town, and country places + too, + And collar-bones and claret-mugs are often seen at races too; + While counter-hits, and give and take, as long as strength can + hold her seat, + Afford the best amusement in a bit of pugilistic treat: + + Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. + +While this song was singing, universal silence prevailed, but an uproar +of approbation followed, which lasted for some minutes, with a general +call of encore, which however soon subsided, and the company was again +restored to their former state of conversation; each party appearing +distinct, indulged in such observations and remarks as were most +suitable or agreeable to themselves. + +Bob was highly pleased with this description of a milling match; and as +the Singer was sitting near the person who had excited a considerable +portion of his attention at intervals in watching his tricks, in some of +which great ingenuity was displayed, he asked his Cousin if he knew him. + +“Know him,” replied Tom, “to be sure I do; that is no other than Bitton, +a well-known pugilist, who frequently exhibits at the Fives-Court; he is +a Jew, and employs his time in giving lessons.” + +“Zounds!” said Mortimer, “he seems to have studied the art of +Legerdemain as well as the science of Milling.” + +“He is an old customer here,” said a little Gentleman at the opposite +side of the table, drawing from his pocket a box of segars{1}--“Now, +Sir,” continued he, “if you wish for a treat,” addressing himself to +Tallyho, “allow me to select you one--there, Sir, is asgar like a +nosegay--I had it from a friend of mine who only arrived yesterday--you +don't often meet with such, I assure you.” + +Bob accepted the offer, and was in the act of lighting it, when Bitton +approached toward their end of the room with some cards in his hand, +from which Bob began to anticipate he would shew some tricks upon them. + +As soon as he came near the table, he had his eye upon the Hon. Tom +Dashall, to whom he introduced 'himself by the presentation of a card, +which announced his benefit for the next week at the Fives-Court, when +all the prime lads of the ring had promised to exhibit. + +“Egad!” said Dashall, “it will be an excellent opportunity--what, will +you take a trip that way and see the mighty men of fist?” + +“With all my heart,” said Tallyho. + +“And mine too,” exclaimed Mortimer. + +It was therefore quickly determined, and each of the party being +supplied with a ticket, Bitton canvassed the room for other customers, +after which he again retired to his seat. + +“Come,” said a smartly dressed Gentleman in a white hat, “we have heard +a song from the other end of the room, I hope we shall be able to muster +one here.” + + 1 This gentleman, whose dress and appearance indicate + something of the Dandy, is a resident in Mark Lane, and + usually spends his evening at the Round Table, where he + appears to pride himself upon producing the finest segars + that can be procured, and generally affords some of his + friends an opportunity of proving them deserving the + recommendations with which he never fails to present them. + +This proposition was received with applause, and, upon Tom's giving a +hint, Frank Harry was called upon--the glasses were filled, a toast was +given, and the bowl was dispatched for a replenish; he then sung +the following Song, accompanied with voice, manner, and action, well +calculated to rivet attention and obtain applause: + + PIGGISH PROPENSITIES, + + THE BUMPKIN IN TOWN. + + “A Bumpkin to London one morning in Spring, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, + Took a fat pig to market, his leg in a string, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + The clown drove him forward, while piggy, good lack! + Lik'd his old home so well, he still tried to run back-- + +(Spoken)--Coome, coome (said the Bumpkin to himself,) Lunnun is the +grand mart for every thing; there they have their Auction Marts, their +Coffee Marts, and their Linen Marts: and as they are fond of a tid-bit +of country pork, I see no reason why they should not have” a Pork and +Bacon Mart--so get on (pig grunts,) I am glad to hear you have a voice +on the subject, though it seems not quite in tune with my + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la. + + It chanc'd on the road they'd a dreadful disaster, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + The grunter ran back 'twixt the legs of his master, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + The Bumpkin he came to the ground in a crack, + And the pig, getting loose, he ran all the way back! + +(Spoken)--Hallo, (said the clown, scrambling up again, and scratching +his broken head,) to be sure I have heard of sleight-of-hand, +hocus-pocus and sich like; but by gum this here be a new manouvre +called sleight of legs; however as no boanes be broken between us, I'll +endeavour to make use on 'em once more in following the game in view: so +here goes, with a + + Hey derry, ho derry, &c. + + He set off again with his pig in a rope, + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, + Reach'd London, and now for good sale 'gan to hope + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + But the pig, being beat 'till his bones were quite sore. + Turning restive, rush'd in at a brandy-shop door. + +(Spoken)--The genteeler and politer part of the world might feel a +little inclined to call this piggish behaviour; but certainly after a +long and fatiguing journey, nothing can be more refreshing than a _drap +of the cratur_; and deeming this the regular mart for the good stuff, in +he bolts, leaving his master to sing as long as he pleased--Hey derry, +he deny, &c. + + Here three snuffy Tabbies he put to the rout, + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai lft, + With three drams to the quartern, that moment serv'd + out, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + The pig gave a grunt, and the clown gave a roar, + When the whole of the party lay flat on the floor! + +(Spoken)--Yes, there they lay all of a lump; and a precious group there +was of them: The old women, well prun'd with snuff and twopenny, and +bang-up with gin and bitters--the fair ones squalled; the clown growled +like a bear with a broken head; the landlord, seeing all that could be +seen as they roll'd over each other, stared, like a stuck pig! while +this grand chorus of soft and sweet voices from the swinish multitude +was accompanied by the pig with his usual grunt, and a + + Hey derry, ho derry, &o. + + The pig soon arose, and the door open flew, + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la, + When this scrambling group was expos'd to my view, + Hey deny, ho derry, fal de ral la; + He set off again, without waiting for Jack, + And not liking London, ran all the way back! + +(Spoken)--The devil take the pig! (said the Bumpkin) he is more trouble +than enough. “The devil take you (said Miss Sukey Snuffle) for you are +the greatest hog of the two; I dare say, if the truth was known, you are +brothers.”--“I declare I never was so exposed in all my life (said Miss +Delia Doldrum.) There's my beautiful bloom petticoat, that never was +rumpled before in all my life--I'm quite shock'd!”--“Never mind, (said +the landlord) nobody cares about it; tho' I confess it was a shocking +affair.”--'I wish he and his pigs were in the horse-pond (continued she, +endeavouring to hide her blushes with her hand)--Oh my--oh my!'--“What?” + (said Boniface)--'Oh, my elbow! (squall'd out Miss Emilia Mumble) I am +sure I shall never get over it.'--“Oh yes you will (continued he) rise +again, cheer your spirits with another drop of old Tom, and you'll soon +be able to sing + + Hey derry, ho derry, &c. + + By mutual consent the old women all swore, + + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, + That the clown was a brute, and his pig was a boar, + Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; + He paid for their liquor, but grumbled, good lack, + Without money or pig to gang all the way back. + +(Spoken)--By gum (said he to himself, as he turn'd from the door) if the +Lunneners likes country pork, country pork doant seem to like they; and +if this be the success I'm to expect in this mighty great town in search +of the Grand Mart, I'll come no more, for I thinks as how its all a +flax; therefore I'll make myself contented to set at home in my own +chimney corner in the country, and sing + + Hey derry, ho derry, &c. + +This song had attracted the attention of almost every one in the room; +there was a spirit and vivacity in the singer, combined with a power of +abruptly changing his voice, to give effect to the different passages, +and a knowledge of music as well as of character, which gave it an +irresistible charm; and the company, who had assembled round him, at the +close signified their approbation by a universal shout of applause. + +All went on well--songs, toasts and sentiments--punch, puns and +witticisms, were handed about in abundance; in the mean time, the +room began to wear an appearance of thinness, many of the boxes were +completely deserted, and the Knights of the Bound Table were no +longer surrounded by their Esquires--still the joys of the bowl were +exhilarating, and the conversation agreeable, though at times a little +more in a strain of vociferation than had been manifested at the +entrance of our party. It was no time to ask questions as to the names +and occupations of the persons by whom he was surrounded; and Bob, +plainly perceiving Frank Harry was getting into Queer Street, very +prudently declined all interrogatories for the present, making, however, +a determination within himself to know more of the house and the +company. + +Mortimer also discovered symptoms of lush-logic, for though he had an +inclination to keep up the chaff, his dictionary appeared to be new +modelled, and his lingo abridged by repeated clips at his mother tongue, +by which he afforded considerable food for laughter. + +Perceiving this, Tallyho thought it prudent to give his Cousin a hint, +which was immediately taken, and the party broke up.~292~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + “O there are swilling wights in London town + Term'd jolly dogs--choice spirits--alias swine, + Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down, + Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine. + + These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus outrun, + Dosing with head-aches till the afternoon, + Lose half men's regular estate of Sun, + By borrowing too largely of the Moon: + + And being Bacchi plenus--full of wine-- + Although they have a tolerable notion + Of aiming at progressive motion, + Tis not direct, 'tis rather serpentine.” + +UPON leaving the house, it was quickly discovered that Mortimer was at +sea without a rudder or compass, but was still enabled to preserve the +true line of beauty, which is said to be in a flowing curve; Merry well +was magnanimous, Frank Harry moppy, and all of them rather muggy. Harry +was going Eastward, and the remainder of the party Westward; it was +half-past one in the morning--the weather had cleared up as their brains +had been getting foggy. + +Tom proposed a rattler. + +Frank Harry swore by the Bacchanalian divinity they might ride in +the rumble-tumble if they liked, but none of it for him, and began to +stammer out + + How sweet in--the--wood-lands + Wi--ith ii--eet hound--and horn-- + To awaken--shrill--[hiccup)--echo, + And taste the--(hiccup)--fresh morn. + +During this time, having turned to the right on leaving the Woolpack, +instead of the left, they were pursuing their way down Gracechurch +Street, in a line with London Bridge, without discovering their mistake; +nor were ~293~~ they aware of the situation they were in till they +reached the Monument. + +“Zounds!” said Tom, “we are all wrong here.” + +“All right,” said Merrywell--“all right, my boys--go it, my kidwhys.” + +Bob hearing his Cousin's exclamation, began to make enquiries. + +“Never mind,” said Tom, “we shall get housed presently--I have it--I +know the shop--it is but seldom I get out of the way, so come along--I +dare say we shall see some more fun yet.” + +Saying this, he led the way down Thames street and in a short time +introduced them to the celebrated house in Dark-House Lane, kept open +at all hours of the night for the accommodation of persons coming to +market, and going off by the Gravesend boats and packets early in the +morning. + +On entering this house of nocturnal convenience, a wide field for +observation was immediately opened to the mind of Dashall: he was no +novice to the varieties of character generally to be found within its +walls; and he anticipated an opportunity of imparting considerable +information to his Cousin, though somewhat clogg'd by his companions; +being known however at the bar, he found no difficulty in providing them +with beds: which being accomplished, + +“Now,” said Tom, “for a new scene in Real Life. Here we are situated at +Billingsgate, on the banks of the Thames; in another hour it will be all +alive--we will refresh ourselves with coffee, and then look around us; +but while it is preparing, we will take a survey of the interior--button +up--tie a silk handkerchief round your neck, and we may perhaps escape +suspicion of being mere lookers on; by which means we shall be enabled +to mingle with the customers in the tap-room, and no doubt you will see +some rum ones.” + +They now entered the tap or general room, which exhibited an appearance +beyond the powers of description. + +In one corner lay a Sailor fast asleep, having taken so much ballast on +board as to prevent the possibility of any longer attending to the log, +but with due precaution resting his head on a bundle which he intended +to take on board his ship with him in the morning, and apparently +well guarded by a female on each side; in another was a weather-beaten +Fisherman in a Guernsey frock and a thick ~294~~ woollen night-cap, who, +having just arrived with a cargo of fish, was toiling away time till +the commencement of the market with a pipe and a pint, by whose side was +seated a large Newfoundland dog, whose gravity of countenance formed an +excellent contrast with that of a man who was entertaining the Fisherman +with a history of his adventures through the day, and who in return was +allowed to participate in the repeatedly filled pint--a Waterman in +his coat and badge ready for a customer--and two women, each having a +shallow basket for the purpose of supplying themselves with fish at the +first market for the next day's sale. + +'Going to Gravesend, Gentlemen?' enquired the Waterman, as Tom and Bob +took their seats near him. + +“No,” was the reply. + +“Beg pardon, Sir; thought as how you was going down, and mought want a +boat, that's all; hope no offence.” + +“I vas down at the Frying Pan in Brick Lane yesterday, (said the +communicative adventurer;) Snivelling Bill and Carrotty Poll was there +in rum order--you know Carrotty? Poll? so Poll, (Good health to you) you +knows how gallows lushy she gets--veil, as I vas saying, she had had a +good day vith her fish, and bang she comes back to Bill--you knows she's +rather nutty upon Bill, and according to my thinking they manages things +pretty veil together, only you see as how she is too many for him: so, +vhen she comes back, b------tme if Bill vasn't a playing at skittles, +and hadn't sold a dab all day; howsomdever he was a vinning the lush, +so you know Bill didn't care--but, my eyes! how she did blow him up vhen +she com'd in and see'd him just a going to bowl and tip, she tipp'd him +a vollopper right across the snout vhat made the skittles dance again, +and bang goes the bowl at her sconce instead of the skittles: it vas +lucky for her it did not hit her, for if it had, I'll be d------d if +ever she'd a cried Buy my live flounders any more--he vas at play vith +Sam Stripe the tailor; so the flea-catcher he jumps in between 'em, +and being a piece-botcher, he thought he could be peace-maker, but +it voudn't do, tho' he jump'd about like a parch'd pea in a +frying-pan--Poll called him Stitch louse, bid him pick up his needles +and be off--Bill vanted to get at Poll, Poll vanted to get at Bill--and +between them the poor Tailor got more stripes upon his jacket than +there is colours in a harlequin's breeches at Bartlemy Fair--Here's +good health to you--it was a ~295~~ bodkin to a but of brandy poor Snip +didn't skip out of this here vorld into that 'are?” + +“And how did they settle it?” enquired the Fisherman. + +'I'll tell you all about it: I never see'd such a b------dy lark in all +my life; poor Sam is at all times as thin as a thread-paper, and being +but the ninth part of a man, he stood no chance between a man and +a voman--Bill vas bleeding at the konk like a half-killed hog, and +Carrotty Moll, full of fire and fury, vas defending herself vith her +fish-basket--Billy vas a snivelling, Poll a stoearing, and the poor +Tailor in a funk--thinks I to myself, this here vont never do--so up +I goes to Poll--Poll, says I------' To the devil I pitch you,' says +she--only you know I knows Poll veil enough--she tried to sneak it +over me, but she found as how I know'd better--Poll, says I, hold your +luff--give us no more patter about this here rum rig--I'll give cost +price for the fish, and you shall have the money; and while I was +bargaining with her, d------n me if Bill and the Tailor vasn't a milling +avay in good style, till Stripe's wife comes in, gives Snivelling Billy +a cross-buttock and bolted off vith her fancy, like as the song says, +The devil took the tailor + + “Vith the broad cloth under his arm.” + +I never laugh'd so in all my life; I thought I should------' + +At this moment a nod from the Landlord informed Tom his coffee was +ready, when they were ushered into the parlour. + +Bob, who had during the conversation in the other room, (which had +occasionally been interrupted by the snores of the sleepy Sailor, the +giggling of the Girls who appeared to have him in charge, and a growl +from the dog,) been particularly attentive to the narration of this +adventure, remarked that there was a peculiarity of dialect introduced, +which, to a person coming out of the country, would have been wholly +unintelligible. + +“Yes,” replied Tom, “almost every trade and every calling of which the +numerous inhabitants of this overgrown town is composed, has a language +of its own, differing as widely from each other as those of provincials. +Nor is this less observable in high life, where every one seems at times +to aim at rendering himself conspicuous for some extraordinary mode of +expression. But come, I ~296~~ perceive the morning is shedding its +rays upon us, and we shall be able to take a survey of the more general +visitors to this place of extensive utility and resort--already you may +hear the rumbling of carts in Thames Street, and the shrill voice of the +Fishwives, who are preparing for a day's work, which they will nearly +finish before two-thirds of the population leave their pillows. This +market, which is principally supplied by fishing smacks and boats coming +from the sea up the river Thames, and partly by land carriage from every +distance within the limits of England, and part of Wales, is open every +morning at day-light, and supplies the retailers for some miles round +the Metropolis. The regular shop-keepers come here in carts, to purchase +of what is called the Fish Salesman, who stands as it were between the +Fisherman who brings his cargo to market and the Retailer; but there are +innumerable hawkers of fish through the streets, who come and purchase +for themselves at first hand, particularly of mackarel, herrings, +sprats, lobsters, shrimps, flounders, soles, &c. and also of cod +and salmon when in season, and at a moderate rate, composing an +heterogeneous group of persons and characters, not easily to be met with +elsewhere.” “Then,” said Bob, “there is a certainty of high and +exalted entertainment;--I should suppose the supply of fish is very +considerable.” + +“The quantity of fish consumed,” replied Tom, “in London is +comparatively small, fish being excessively dear in general: and this +is perhaps the most culpable defect in the supply of the capital, +considering that the rivers of Great Britain and the seas round her +coast teem with that food.--There are on an average about 2500 cargoes +of fish, of 40 tons each, brought to Billingsgate, and about 20,000 tons +by land carriage, making a total of about 120,000 tons; and the street +venders form a sample of low life in all its situations. + + “--------In such indexes, although small + To their subsequent volumes, there is seen + The baby figure of the giant mass + Of things to come at large.” + +And the language you have already heard forms a part of what may be +termed Cockneyism.” + +“Cockneyism,” said Bob, with an inquisitiveness in his countenance. + +~297~~ “Yes,” continued Tom, “Cockney is universally known to be the +contemptuous appellation given to an uneducated native of London, +brought into life within the sound of Bow bell--pert and conceited, +yet truly ignorant, they generally discover themselves by their mode of +speech, notwithstanding they have frequent opportunities of hearing the +best language; the cause, I apprehend, is a carelessness of every thing +but the accumulation of money, which is considered so important with +them--that they seem at all times to be in eager pursuit of it. + + “O Plutus, god of gold! thine aid impart, + Teach me to catch the money-catching art; + Or, sly Mercurius! pilfering god of old, + Thy lesser mysteries at least unfold.” + +You will hear these gentry frequently deliver themselves in something +like the following manner: + +“My eyes, Jim, vat slippy valking 'tis this here morning--I should ave +fell'd right down if so be as how I adn't cotch'd ould of a postis--vere +does you thinks I ave been? vy all the vay to Vapping Vail, an a top o +Tower Hill--I seed a voman pillar'd--such scrouging and squeeging, and +peltin vith heggs--ow funny! + +“A female Fruit-seller will say to a Lady Oyster-dealer--Law, my dear +Mrs. Melton, how ar you this cowld morning, Mem.?--the streets vil be +nice and dirty--vel, for my part, I always likes dry vether--do your +usband vork at Foxall still?--I likes to warm my cowld nose vith a +pinch of your snuff--ow wery obliging--But come, I hear the bustle of +Billingsgate, and you shall have a peep at the people. By this time they +are all alive.” + +Bob laughed at his Cousin's specimens of cockney language, and they +sallied forth, to make further observations. + +It was now a fine morning, the Sun shone with resplendent lustre upon +all around them, and danced in playful dimples on the sportive Thames; +there was however but little opportunity at the moment for them to +contemplate subjects of this sort, their eyes and ears being wholly +attracted by the passing and repassing of the persons desirous to sell +or supply themselves with fish; Thames Street was almost blocked up with +carts, and the hallooing and bawling of the different drivers, loading +or unloading, formed an occasional symphony to the ~298~~ continual hum +of those who were moving in all directions to and from the market. + +“By yer leaf” said a sturdy built fellow, sweating under a load of fish +which appeared to press him almost down--“what the devil do you stand in +the way for?” + +Bob, in stepping on one side to make room for this man to pass, +unfortunately trod upon the toe of an Hibernian lady, who was bearing +away a large basket of shrimps alive, and at the same time gave her arm +so forcible a jerk with his elbow, as disengaged her hand from the load; +by which means the whole cargo was overturned smack into the bosom of a +smartly dressed youth in white ducks, who was conducting some Ladies +on board one of the Gravesend boats. The confusion that followed is +scarcely to be conceived--the agitation of Talt who at hearing the +vociferated lamentations of the Irish woman--the spluttering of the +disconcerted Dandy--the declaration of the owner of the shrimps, “that +so help her God he should pay for her property”--the loud laughter of +those around them, who appeared to enjoy the embarrassment of the whole +party--and the shrimps hopping and jumping about amid the dirt and slush +of the pavement, while the Ladies were hunting those which had fallen +into the bosom of their conductor--formed a scene altogether, which, +in spite of the confusion of his Cousin, almost convulsed the Hon. Tom +Dashall with laughter, and which served but to increase the rancour of +the owner of the shrimps, and the poor toe-suffering Irishwoman, the +execrations of the Dandy Gentleman and his Ladies, and the miseries of +poor Bob; to escape from which, he gave the Hibernian and her employer +enough to purchase plaster for the one, and a fresh cargo for the other, +and seizing Tom by the arm, dragged him away from the scene of his +misfortunes in fishery. + +[Illustration: page298 Real Life at Billingsgate] + +Their progress however was presently impeded by a sudden scream, which +appeared to come from a female, and .drew together almost all the people +on the spot, it seemed as if it had been a preconcerted signal for a +general muster, and it was quickly ascertained that fisty-cuffs were the +order of the day, by the vociferations of the spectators, and the loud +acclamations of “Go it, Poll--pitch it into her--mill her snitcher--veil +done, Sail--all pluck--game to the back-bone--peppermint her +upper-story, and grapple her knowledge-box--D------n my eyes, but that +vas a good one, it ~299~~ has altered her weather-cock and shifted her +wind--There's your dairies--stand out of the way--Upon my sole you have +overturned all my flounders--D------n you and your dabbs too.” + +Tom and Bob took up a favourable position for observation at the corner +of a fish-stall, where they could quietly witness the combatants, and +take a general survey of the proceedings. + +“Now,” said Tom, “here is a lark for you, a female fight.” + +“Fine salmon, or cod, Gentlemen,” said an elderly woman--“I wish I could +tempt you to be customers.” + +“Well,” said Bob, “they are at it in good earnest.” + +“O yes,” said the woman, “we always have it in real earnest, no sham--I +wish Poll may sarve her out, for Sall is a d------d saucy b------h at +all times.” + +“And what have they quarrelled about?” inquired Dashall. + +“Jealousy, Sir, nothing else; that there man in the night-cap, with the +red ruff round his neck, is Sail's fancy man, and he sometimes lets +her have a cargo of fish for services done and performed, you +understand--and so Sail she comes down this morning, and she finds Poll +having a phililoo with him, that's all; but I wish they would go and +have it out somewhere else, for it spoils all business--Nance, go and +get us a quartern of Jacky, that I may ax these Gentlemen to drink, for +its a cold morning, and perhaps they are not used to be up so early.” + +Tom saw the drift of this in a moment, and taking the hint, supplied the +needful to Nance, who was dispatched for the heart-cheering beverage, +which they could perceive was in high reputation by those around them. +The effluvia of the fish, the fumes of tobacco, and the reviving +scent of the gin-bottle, rendered their olfactory salutations truly +delightful. Nor could they escape the Fish-wife without becoming +participators in the half pint of blue ruin. + +“Come,” said Tom, “we will now stroll a little further, and take a +survey of the street; but first we will give a look here. + +“This,” said he, “is the Custom House, a splendid building recently +erected, in consequence of the old one being demolished by fire in +1814.” ~300~~ “It is, indeed,” replied Bob, admiring the south front, +which is executed in Portland stone. + +“Do you observe,” continued Tom, “the central compartment, which +comprises what is called the Long Room, and which we will visit +presently, is quite plain, except the attic, which is elegantly +ornamented?--that alto-relievo contains allegorical representations of +the arts and sciences, as connected with and promoting the commerce +and industry of the nation--that to the west, a representation of +the costume and character of the various nations with whom we hold +intercourse in our commercial relations--in the centre, under the large +massive dial-plate, are inscribed in large bronze letters the names of +the founders and the date of its erection--the figures which support +the dial in a recumbent position are emblematical of industry and +plenty--that bold projection in the centre, gives a suitable character +to the King's warehouse, and forms an appropriate support to the +imperial arms upheld by the attributes of Ocean and Commerce.” + +Bob gazed with admiration and delight on this truly admirable and +extensive pile of national architecture; the gentle breeze from the +river, the occasional dash of the oar, and the activity which appeared +on board the different vessels; together with the view of London Bridge +on one side, over which he could perceive pedestrians and vehicles +of various kinds passing and repassing, and the Tower on the other, +conspired to heighten and give a most imposing effect to the scene. + +“The designs,” said Tallyho, “are truly creditable to the taste and +science of the architect.” + +“And this Quay in front, is intended to be enlarged by filling up a part +of the river; besides which, a new wall and quay are to be formed from +the Tower to Billingsgate, and numerous other improvements are projected +in the contiguous streets and lanes.” “Not before it is necessary,” was +the reply. “It would be impossible,” continued Dashall, “to visit all +the apartments this building contains; we will however have a look +at the Long Room, and as we proceed I will endeavour to give you some +further information. We are now entering the East wing, which is a +counterpart of that on the West, having like this a grand stair-case +with a double flight of steps, which conduct to a lobby at each end +of the long room, lighted by ~301~~ these vertical lantern-lights, the +ceilings being perforated in square compartments, and glazed. These +lobbies serve to check the great draughts of air which would otherwise +flow through the room if it opened directly from the stair-case.” + +They now entered the Long Room, the imposing appearance of which had its +due effect upon Tallyho. + +“Bless me!” cried he in a state of ecstasy, “this is a room to boast of +indeed.” + +“Yes,” replied his Cousin, “there is not such another room in Europe; it +is 190 feet long by 66 wide, and proportionably high, divided into +three compartments by these eight massive pillars, from which, as you +perceive, spring the three domes, which are so richly ornamented, and +ventilated through the centre of each.” + +“And all of stone?” inquired Bob. + +“Not exactly so,” was the reply; “the floor (excepting the situation +of the officers and clerks) is of stone, but the walls and ceilings are +drawn out and tinted in imitation.” + +“And what are these antique pedestals for, merely ornaments?” + +Tom was pleased at this inquiry, and with a smile of satisfaction +replied--“No, these pedestals do double duty, and are something like +what the rural poet, Goldsmith, describes in his _Deserted Village_-- + + “The chest contriv'd a double debt to pay, + A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day.” + +These are ornamental during the summer, but useful in the winter; they +contain fire-places completely hid from view.” + +“Fire-places,” re-echoed Bob. + +“Yes,” continued his Cousin; “the smoke, descending, passes through the +piers on each side, and by their means a sufficient warmth is at all +times kept up in the room.” + +“That is a capital contrivance,” said Tallyho. + +“Then, to prevent the possibility of sustaining any serious injury from +fire, on the ground, one and two pair stories, the communication is cut +off by means of iron doors, which run on wheels in chase in the centre +of the walls, and are moved backward and forward by a windlass; +which doors are closed every evening, and would effectually prevent +a communication beyond their boundaries. Fire-proof rooms also, as +repositories for valuable books ~302~~ and papers, are provided on each +floor, where the important documents of the establishment are deposited +every evening, and removed in trunks to the respective offices. There +are in all 121 rooms devoted to various offices. This however is the +principal: here the general business is transacted, particularly for all +foreign concerns, both inwards and outwards. The Ship Master first makes +the report of the cargo here; the entries of which, either for payment +of duties, warehousing, or subsequent exportation, are all passed with +the respective officers in this room. The business of the customs is +managed by nine Commissioners, whose jurisdiction extends over all +parts of England. We will now pass out at the west wing, adjourn to yon +Tavern, refresh and refit, and after which a further walk.” + +“With all my heart,” said Tallyho. + +“What ho, Master B------,” said Dashall, saluting the Landlord as he +entered the Tavern--“How does the world wag with you?--send us some soda +water--the newspaper--let somebody clean our boots--give us pen, ink and +paper, and prepare us some breakfast with all speed, but no fish, mind +that.” + +The Landlord bowed assent to his honourable customer; and by the time +they were ready, their orders were complied with. + +“Pray,” inquired Dashall of the obliging Landlord, who came in to ask if +they were supplied with all they wished for, “did you ever recover any +thing from that dashing Blade that so obligingly ordered his dinner +here?” + +“Never got a halfpenny--no no, he was not one of those sort of +gentry--nor do I ever wish to see such again in my house.” + +This was uttered in a tone of discontent, which evidently shewed he had +no relish for the conversation. + +Dashall could not refrain from laughter; upon perceiving which, the +Landlord withdrew with a loud slam of the door, and left his customers +to enjoy their mirth. + +“What are you laughing at?” cried Bob. + +“Why,” continued his Cousin, + + “There was, as fame reports, in days of yore, + At least some fifty years ago, or more, + A pleasant wight on town----” + +~303~~ And there are many pleasant fellows now to be met with; but you +shall have the tale as I had it: This house has been celebrated for +furnishing excellent dinners, and the cookery of fish in particular; +consequently it has been the resort of the Bucks, the Bloods, and the +dashing Swells of the town, and I myself have been well entertained +here. It will therefore not be wondered at that its accommodations +should attract the notice of a Sharper whose name and character were +well known, but who was in person a total stranger to the unsuspecting +Landlord, whom however he did not fail to visit. + +Calling one afternoon for the purpose of seeing how the land lay, in +high twig, and fashionably dressed, he was supplied with a bottle of +sherry, and requested the landlord to take a part with him--praised the +wine, talked of the celebrity of his house for fish, and gave an order +for a dinner for sixteen friends during the following week. The bait was +swallowed, + +“For a little flattery is sometimes well.” + +'But are your wines of the first quality? (inquired the visitor;) for +good eating, you know, deserves good drinking, and without that we shall +be like fishes out of water.'--' Oh, Sir, no man in London can supply +you better than myself (was the reply;) but, if you please, you shall +select which you may like best, my stock is extensive and good.' He was +consequently invited into the cellar, and tasted from several binns, +particularly marking what he chose to conceive the best. Upon returning +to the parlour again--' Bless me, (cried he) I have had my pocket pick'd +this morning, and lost my handkerchief--can you oblige me with the loan +of one for present use? and I will send it back by one of my servants.' + +'Certainly, Sir,' was the reply; and the best pocket-handkerchief was +quickly produced, with another bottle of wine, the flavour of which he +had approved while below. He then wrote a letter, which he said must be +dispatched immediately by a Ticket-porter to Albemarle Street, where +he must wait for an answer. This being done, lie desired a coach to be +called--asked the Landlord if he had any silver he could accommodate him +with, as he had occasion to go a little further, but would soon return. +This being complied with, by the Landlord giving him twenty shillings +with the expectation of receiving a ~304~~ pound note in return, +he threw himself into the coach, wished his accommodating Host good +afternoon, promised to return in less than an hour, but has never shewn +his face here since. Poor B------don't like to hear the circumstance +mentioned.” + +“Zounds!” said Tallyho, “somebody was green upon the occasion; I thought +people in London were more guarded, and not so easily to be done. And +who did he prove to be after all?” + +“No other than the well-known Major Semple, whose depredations of this +sort upon the public rendered him so notorious.” + +Having finished their repast, Tom was for a move; and they took their +way along Thames Street in the direction for Tower Hill. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + “This life is all chequer'd with pleasures and woes + That chase one another like waves of the deep, + Each billow, as brightly or darkly it flows, + Reflecting our eyes as they sparkle or weep; + So closely our whims on our miseries tread, + That the laugh is awak'd ere the tear can be dried; + And as fast as the rain-drop of pity is shed, + The goose-plumage of folly can turn it aside; + But, pledge me the cup! if existence can cloy + With hearts ever light and heads ever wise, + Be ours the light grief that is sister to joy, + And the short brilliant folly that flashes and dies.” + +“THE building before us,” said Tom, “is the Tower of London, which was +formerly a palace inhabited by the various Sovereigns of this country +till the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Fitzstephens says, it was originally +built by Julius Cæsar; but I believe there is no proof of the truth +of this assertion, except that one of the towers is to this day called +Cæsar's Tower.” + +“It seems a place of great security,” said Bob. + +“Yes--William the Conqueror erected a fortress on part of its present +site, to overawe the inhabitants of London on his gaining possession +of the City, and about twelve years afterwards, in 1078, he erected a +larger building than the first, either on the site of the former or near +it. This building, repaired or rebuilt by succeeding Princes, is that +which is now called the White Tower.” + +“It appears altogether to be a very extensive building,” said Tallyho; +“and what have we here? (turning his eyes to the left)--the modern style +of those form a curious contrast to that we are now viewing.” + +“That is called Trinity Square, and the beautiful edifice in the +centre is the Trinity House; it is a new building, of stone, having +the advantage of rising ground for its site, and of a fine area in the +front.” ~306~~ “The Trinity House,” reiterated Bob, “some ecclesiastical +establishment, I presume, from its title?” + +“There you are wrong,” continued Dashall; “it is a Corporation, which +was founded in the year 1515 by Henry VIII. and consists of a Master, +four Wardens, eighteen Elder Brothers, in whom is vested the direction +of the Company, and an indefinite number of younger Brothers; for +any sea-faring man may be admitted into the Society by that name, but +without any part of the controul of its concerns. The elder Brethren are +usually selected from the most experienced commanders in the navy and +the merchants' service, with a few principal persons of his Majesty's +Government.” + +“But what, in the name of wonder,” inquired Bob, “have Sailors to do +with the Trinity?” + +“As much as other persons,” was the reply; “if it is the anchor of hope, +as we are taught, they have as great a right to rely upon it as any +body else--besides, the names given to houses and places in London have +nothing to do with their occupations or situations, any more than +the common language of life has to do with nature; else why have we a +Waterloo House in the vicinity of St. Giles's for the sale of threads, +laces, and tapes--a Fleet for the confinement of prisoners, or the +King's Bench devoted to the same purposes, unless it is, + + “That when we have no chairs at home, + The King (God bless him) grants us then a bench.” + +Though London contains a round of delights and conveniences scarcely to +be equalled, it is at the same time a combination of incongruities as +difficult to be conceived. The denomination of this House has therefore +nothing to do with the business to which it is devoted. The body which +transacts its concerns is called The Master, Wardens and Assistants, of +the Guild, or Fraternity of the most glorious and undivided Trinity, +and of St. Clement, in the parish of Deptford, Stroud, in the county of +Kent.” + +“An admirable illustration of your assertion,” replied Bob; “and +pray may I be allowed, without appearing romantic or unnecessarily +inquisitive, to ask what are the objects of the Institution?” + +“Certainly. The use of this Corporation is to superintend the general +interests of the British shipping, military and commercial. To this end, +the powers of the ~307~~ Corporation are very extensive; the principal +of which are, to examine the children educated in mathematics in +Christ's Hospital--examine the masters of the King's ships--appoint +pilots for the Thames--erect light-houses and sea-marks--grant licenses +to poor seamen, not free of the City, to row on the Thames--and +superintend the deepening and cleansing of the river; they have power +to receive donations for charitable purposes, and annually relieve great +numbers of poor seamen and seamen's widows and orphans; and as they +alone supply outward-bound ships with ballast, on notice of any shoal or +obstruction arising in the river Thames, they immediately direct their +men and lighters to work on it till it is removed. The profits arising +to the Corporation by this useful regulation is very considerable.” + +During this conversation they had continued to walk towards the Trinity +House, and were now close to it. + +“Come,” continued Dashall, “the interior is worth seeing: there are some +fine paintings in it, and the fitting up is altogether of an elegant +description.” + +Upon making application at the door, and the customary payment of a +shilling each, they were admitted. The appearance of the Hall, which is +grand, though light and elegant, particularly attracted the attention +of Tallyho. The double stair-case, which leads to the court-room, was an +object of peculiar delight. The beautiful model of the Royal William in +the Secretary's Office was much admired; but the Court-room was +abundant in gratification. Here they were ushered into a spacious +apartment,*particularly elegant, being unincumbered; the ceiling +finished in a superior style, and decorated with paintings of the late +King and Queen--James the Second--Lord Sandwich--Lord Howe, and Mr. +Pitt. Here Bob wandered from portrait to portrait, examining the +features and character of each, and admiring the skill and ability of +the artists. At the upper end of the room he was additionally pleased +to find a large painting containing a group of about twenty-four of +the elder Brethren, representing them at full length, attended by their +Secretary, the late Mr. Court. Many of the persons being well remembered +by Dashall, were pointed out by him to his Cousin, and brought to his +recollection names deservedly celebrated, though now no more. This +picture was the gift of the Merchant Brethren in 1794. + +Tallyho was much delighted with his survey of this truly elegant +building, and the luminous account given by ~308~~ his Cousin of +the various persons whose portraits met his eye, or whose names and +characters, connected with the establishment, had become celebrated for +scientific research or indefatigable industry. + +“It will occupy too much time this morning,” said Dashall, “to visit +the interior of the Tower, as I have dispatched a Ticket-porter to +Piccadilly, ordering my curricle to be at Tom's Coffee-house at one; we +will therefore defer that pleasure to the next opportunity of being this +way. We will however take a look at the Bank and the Exchange, then a +trundle into the fresh air for an hour, and return home to dinner; so +come along, but we will vary our walk by taking another road back.” + +With this intention, they now crossed Tower Hill, and turned to the +left, along the Minories. + +“Here is a place,” said Dashall, “well known, and no doubt you have +often heard of--Sparrow Corner and Rosemary Lane are better known by +the appellation of Rag Fair. It is a general mart for the sale of +second-hand clothes, and many a well-looking man in London is indebted +to his occasional rambles in this quarter for his appearance. The +business of this place is conducted with great regularity, and the +dealers and collectors of old clothes meet at a certain hour of the +afternoon to make sales and exchanges, so that it is managed almost upon +the same plan as the Royal Exchange, only that the dealers here come +loaded with their goods, which must undergo inspection before sales can +be effected: while the Merchant carries with him merely a sample, or +directs his Purchaser to the warehouse where his cargo is deposited. The +principal inhabitants of this place are Jews, and they obtain supplies +from the numerous itinerant collectors from all quarters of London and +its suburbs, whom you must have observed parading the streets from the +earliest hour of the morning, crying _Ould clothes--Clothes sale_.” + +“It surely can hardly be a trade worth following,” said Talltho. + +“There are many hundreds daily wandering the streets, however,” replied +Tom, “in pursuit of cast-off apparel, rags, and metals of different +sorts, or at least pretend so. The Jews are altogether a set of traders. +I do not mean to confine my observations to them only, because there +are persons of other sects employed in the same kind of business; and +perhaps a more dangerous set of cheats could ~309~~ scarcely be pointed +at, as their chief business really is to prowl about the houses and +stables of people of rank and fortune, in order to hold out temptations +to their servants, to pilfer and steal small articles not likely to be +missed, which these fellows are willing to purchase at about one-third +of their real value. It is supposed that upwards of 15,000 of these +depraved itinerants among the Jews are daily employed in journeys of +this kind; by which means, through the medium of base money and other +fraudulent dealings, many of them acquire property with which they open +shops, and then become receivers of stolen property; the losses thus +sustained by the public being almost incalculable-- + + “For wid coot gould rings of copper gilt--'tis so he gets his + bread, + Wit his sealing-vax of brick-dust, and his pencils without lead.” + +It is estimated that there are from fifteen to twenty thousand Jews in +the Metropolis, and about five or six thousand more stationed in the +great provincial and seaport towns. In London they have six Synagogues, +and in the country places there are at least twenty more. Most of the +lower classes of those distinguished by name of German or Dutch Jews, +live principally by their wits, and establish a system of mischievous +intercourse all over the country, the better to enable them to carry +on then-fraudulent designs in every way. The pliability of their +consciences is truly wonderful-- + + “For they never stick at trifles, if there's monies in the way.” + +Nay, I remember the time when they used to perambulate our streets +openly, professing to purchase base coin, by bawling--“Any bad shilling, +any bad shilling.” The interference of the Police however has prevented +the calling, though perhaps it is impossible to prevent a continuance +of the practice any more than they can that of utterance. These men +hesitate not to purchase stolen property, or metals of various kinds, as +well as other articles pilfered from the Dock-yards, and stolen in +the provincial towns, which are brought to the Metropolis to elude +detection, and vice versa; in some cases there are contrivances that +the buyer and seller shall not even see each other, in order that no +advantage may be taken by giving information as to the parties.” ~310~~ +“Upon my life, the contrivances of London are almost incomprehensible,” + said Bob, “and might deter many from venturing into it; but this +surprises me beyond any thing.” + +“It is however too lamentably true,” continued Tom; “for these people, +educated in idleness from the earliest infancy, acquire every debauched +and vicious principle which can fit them for the most complicated arts +of fraud and deception, to which they seldom fail to add the crime of +perjury, whenever it can be useful to shield themselves or their friends +from the punishment of the law. Totally without moral education, and +very seldom trained to any trade or occupation by which they can earn an +honest livelihood by manual labour--their youths excluded from becoming +apprentices, and their females from engaging themselves generally +as servants, on account of the superstitious adherence to the mere +ceremonial of their persuasion, as it respects meat not killed by +Jews--nothing can exceed their melancholy condition, both as it regards +themselves and society. Thus excluded from the resources which other +classes of the community possess, they seem to have no alternative +but to resort to those tricks and devices which ingenuity suggests, +to enable persons without an honest means of subsistence to live in +idleness. + +“The richer Jews are in the practice of lending small sums to the poorer +classes of their community, in order that they may support themselves by +a species of petty traffic; but even this system contributes in no +small degree to the commission of crimes, since, in order to render +it productive to an extent equal to the wants of families who do not +acquire any material aid by manual labour, they are induced to resort to +unlawful means of increasing it, by which they become public nuisances. +From the orange-boy and the retailer of seals, razors, glass and other +wares, in the public streets, or the collector of + + “Old rags, old jags, old bonnets, old bags,” + +to the shop-keeper, dealer in wearing apparel, or in silver and gold, +the same principles of conduct too generally prevail. + +“The itinerants utter base money, to enable them by selling cheap, to +dispose of their goods; while those who are stationary, with very few +exceptions, receive and purchase at an under price whatever is brought +them, ~311~~ without asking questions; and yet most of their concerns +are managed with so much art, that we seldom hear of a Jew being hanged; +and it is also a fact, that during the holidays (of which they have many +in the course of a year,) or at one of their weddings, you may see +the barrow-woman of yesterday decked out in gay and gaudy attire of an +expensive nature.” + +By this time they had reached the top of the minories, and were turning +down Houndsditch. “We are now,” said Dashall, “close to another place +chiefly inhabited by Jews, called Duke's Place, where they have a very +elegant Synagogue, which has been visited by Royalty, the present King +having, during his Regency, honoured them with a visit, through the +introduction of the late Mr. Goldsmid. If it should be a holiday, we +will be present at the religious ceremonies of the morning.” With this +they entered Duke's Place, and were soon within the walls of this Temple +of Judaism. In taking a view of it, Bob was much gratified with its +splendid decorations, and without being acquainted with their forms, had +_doffd his castor_,{1} but was presently informed by his Cousin that he +must keep his hat on. The readers appeared to him to be singers; but the +whole of the service being Hebrew, it was of little consequence to him, +whether read or sung. He perceived, during the performances of these +prayers, which were every now and then joined in by almost every +one present, that many of the congregation appeared to be in close +conversation, which, however, was taken no notice of by the persons +officiating. He was well pleased with the singing of a youth and the +accompaniment of a gentleman in a cock'd hat; for although he could not +discover that he actually produced words, he produced sounds in many +instances bearing a strong similarity to those of a bassoon. The +venerable appearance and devotion of the High Priest, who was habited in +a robe of white, also attracted his attention; while the frequent bursts +of the congregation, joining in the exercises of the morning, in some +instances almost provoked his risibility. + +“The religious ceremonies of these people,” said Tom, as they left the +synagogue, “though somewhat imposing as to form and appearance, do not +seem to be strongly interesting, for many of them are engaged during the +whole of the service in some species of traffic; buying and + + 1 Doff'd his castor--Taken off his hat. + +~312~~ selling, or estimating the value of goods for sale. They are such +determined merchants and dealers, that they cannot forget business even +in the house of prayer. We have two sets of them. This is the Dutch +Synagogue; but the most ancient is that of the Portuguese, having been +established in England ever since the Usurpation. The members of it +being mostly wealthy, are extremely attentive to their poor, among whom +there is said not to be a single beggar or itinerant; while the Dutch or +German. Jews get no education at all: even the most affluent of them are +said to be generally unable either to read or write the language of the +country that gave them birth. They confine themselves to a bastard or +vulgar Hebrew, which has little analogy to the original. They observe +the particular ritual of the German Synagogue, and also include the +Polish, Russian, and Turkish Jews established in London. With the +exception of a few wealthy individuals, and as many families who are in +trade on the Royal Exchange, they are in general a very indigent class +of people. Their community being too poor to afford them adequate +relief, they have resorted to the expedient of lending them small sums +of money at interest, to trade upon, which is required to be repaid +monthly or weekly, as the case may be, otherwise they forfeit all claim +to this aid. + +“The Portuguese Jews are generally opulent and respectable, and hold +no community with the others. They use a different liturgy, and their +language is even different. They never intermarry with the Jews of the +Dutch Synagogue. They pride themselves on their ancestry, and give their +children the best education which can be obtained where they reside. The +Brokers upon the Exchange, of the Jewish persuasion, are all or chiefly +of the Portuguese Synagogue. Their number is limited to twelve by Act of +Parliament, and they pay 1000 guineas each for this privilege.” + +They had now reached the end of Houndsditch, when, passing through +Bishopsgate Church Yard and Broad Street, they were soon at the Bank. + +“This building,” said Dashall, “covers an extent of several acres of +ground, and is completely isolated.” + +“Its exterior,” replied Bob, “is not unsuited to the nature of +the establishment, as it certainly conveys an idea of strength and +security.” + +~315~~ “That's true,” continued Tom; “but you may observe a want of +uniformity of design and proportion, arising from its having been +erected piece-meal, at different periods, and according to different +plans, by several architects. This is the principal entrance; and +opposite to it is the shortest street in the Metropolis, called Bank +Street; it contains but one house. Now we will take a survey of the +interior.” + +They entered the Hall, where Tallyho was much pleased to be instructed +as to the methodical way they have of examining notes for a re-issuing +or exchanging into coin. + +“Here,” said Dashall, “are the Drawing-offices for public and private +accounts. This room is seventy-nine feet long by forty; and, at the +further end, you observe a very fine piece of sculpture: that is a +marble Statue of King William III. the founder of the Bank. Thi national +establishment was first incorporated by act of Parliament in 1694. The +projector of the scheme was a Mr. James Paterson, a native of +Scotland; and the direction of its concerns is vested in a Governor, +Deputy-Governor, and twenty-four Directors, elected annually at a +general Court of the Proprietors. Thirteen of the Directors, with the +Governor, form a Court for the transaction of business. The Bank is open +every day from nine in the morning till five in the afternoon, holidays +excepted. It is like a little town. The Clerks at present are about +1000 in number, but a reduction is intended. The Rotunda is the most +interesting apartment--we will go and have a look at the Money-dealers. + +“Here,” continued he, as they entered the Rotunda, and mingled among +the various persons and sounds that are so well known in that seat +of traffic, “from the hours of eleven to three a crowd of eager +Money-dealers assemble, and avidity of gain displays itself in +ever-varying shapes, at times truly ludicrous to the disinterested +observer. You will presently perceive that the justling and crowding +of the Jobbers to catch a bargain, frequently exceed in disorder the +scrambling at the doors of our theatres for an early admission: and sa +loud and clamorous at times are the mingled noises of the buyers and +sellers, that all distinction of sound is lost in a general uproar.” + +Of this description, Tallyho had an absolute proof in ~314~~ a few +minutes, for the mingling variety of voices appeared to leave no +space in time for distinguishing either the sense or the sound of the +individual speakers; though it was evident that, notwithstanding the +continual hubbub, there was a perfect understanding effected +between parties for the sale and transfer of Stock, according to the +stipulations bargained for. + +“Ha, Mr. M------,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “how do you do?” + +“Happy to say well, Sir, thank you,” was the reply. “Any +commands?--markets are pretty brisk this morning, and we are all alive.” + +“Pray,” said Tallyho, “who is that extraordinary looking Lady with such +red lips and cheeks, beneath the garb of sadness?” + +“A constant visitor here,” replied Mr. M. “I may say a day scarcely +passes without her being present.” + +“She has a curious appearance,” said Bob; “her dress is all black +from head to foot, and yet her cheeks disclose the ruddy glow of +uninterrupted health. Is it that her looks belie her garb, or that her +garb belies her looks?” + +“Hush,” said Mr. M. “let her pass, and I will give you some information +relative to her, which, if it does not gratify you, will at least +satisfy some of your inquiries. I am half inclined to believe that all +is not right in the seat of government with her, (pointing his finger to +his head;) and she is therefore rather deserving of pity than an object +of censure or ridicule; though I have reason to believe she frequently +meets with attacks of the latter, when in search of the sympathy and +benefit to be derived from a proper exercise of the former. Her name is +Miss W------. Her father was formerly a two-penny postman, who resided +at Rockingham Row, Walworth, and was himself somewhat eccentric in his +dress and manners, and it was not at all unusual to meet him in +the morning in the garb of his office, though decidedly against his +inclination, and to see him on 'Change during 'Change hours, in silk +stockings, and in every other way dressed as a Merchant, attending +there according to custom and practice; and he managed, by some means +or other, to keep up a character of respectability, and to give an +accomplished education to the younger branches of this family; so that +this lady, though unfortunate in her present circumstances, has been +well brought up, and ~315~~ mingled in polished society; and, if +you were to enter into conversation with her now, you would find +her intelligent in the selection of her words and the combination of +sentences, to explain to you the most improbable events, and the most +unheard of claims that she has upon all the Governments in the known +world. This, however, would be done with good temper, unless any thing +like an insulting observation should be conceived, or intended to be +conveyed.” + +“And, pray, what is supposed to be the cause of her present manners and +appearance?” inquired Bob. + +“It is principally attributed,” replied Mr M. “to the circumstance of +losing a beloved brother, who she now continually declares is only kept +from her by the persons who daily visit the Rotunda, with a view +to prevent the recovery of the property she lays claim to, and the +particulars of which she generally carries in her pocket. That brother +however suffered the penalty of the law for a forgery;{1} but this she +cannot be induced to believe. + + 1 The lamentable effusion of blood which has taken place + within the last twenty years, in consequence of forgeries on + the Bank of England, has already excited a very considerable + portion of public interest and indignation; and it is much + to be feared that notwithstanding the very serious expence + the Corporation have incurred, with a view to remedy the + evil, by rendering the imitation more difficult, the + anticipated result is not likely to be obtained. It will + hardly be conceived that the Governors have expended as much + as one hundred thousand pounds in this laudable undertaking, + and, upon producing an impression, we are told it can be + imitated by one, who, within three weeks produced a fac- + simile, and puzzled the makers of the original note to + discover which was the work-manship of their own hands. Nay, + even an engraver on wood is said to have produced an + excellent imitation in a few hours. It is however sincerely + to be hoped that an effectual stop will be eventually put to + the possibility of committing this crime, which, we + apprehend, nine times out of ten brings the poor, needy, + half-starved retailer of paper to the gallows, while the + more un-principled wholesale dealer escapes detection. + + While on the subject of forged notes, we cannot help + deprecating the circulation of what are termed _flash + notes_, which, if not originally intended to deceive and + defraud, are calculated to accomplish these objects, when in + the hands of the artful and designing. We think there is a + tradesman in the vicinity of the Bank who presents such of + his customers as visits his repository to have their hair + cut, &c. with a Hash note, purporting to be for 501.; and we + have also reason to believe that more than one attempt has + been detected, where the parties have really endeavoured to + pass them as valid Bank of England paper. The danger + therefore must be evident. + +~316~~ We have reason to think she is frequently much straitened for +want of the necessary supplies for sustenance, and she has temporary +relief occasionally from those who knew her family and her former +circumstances in life, while she boldly perseveres in the pursuit of +fancied property, and the restoration of her brother. + +“I have heard her make heavy complaints of the difficulties she has had +to encounter, and the privations she has been subjected to; but her own +language will best speak the impressions on her mind. Here is a printed +letter which was circulated by her some time ago:-- + +To the worthy Inhabitants of the Parish of St. Mary, Newington, Surrey. + +It is with feelings of deep regret I have to deplore the necessity that +compels me to adopt a public measure, for the purpose of obtaining my +property from those gentlemen that hold it in trust. For a period of ten +years I have endured the most cruel and unjustifiable persecution, which +has occasioned the premature death of my mother; a considerable loss of +property; all my personal effects of apparel and valuables; has exposed +me to the most wanton and barbarous attacks, the greatest insults, and +the severe and continual deprivation of every common necessary. Having +made every appeal for my right, or even a maintenance, without effect, +I now take the liberty of adopting the advice of some opulent friends in +the parish, and solicit general favour in a loan by subscription for a +given time, not doubting the liberal commiseration of many ladies +and gentlemen, towards so great a sufferer. As it is not possible to +describe the wrongs I have endured, the misery that has been heaped upon +me, in so limited a space, I shall be happy to give every explanation +upon calling for the result of this entreaty and to those ladies and +gentlemen that condescend to favour + +S. WHITEHEAD + +With their presence, at + +The White Hart Inn, Borough. + +Besides Bills to an immense amount, accepted by the Dey of Algiers, and +payable by his Grand Plenipotentiary. + +Various sums in the English and Irish Funds, in the names of various +Trustees: in the 3 per cent. Consols--3 per cent. 1726--3 per cent. +South Sea Annuities--3 per cent. Old South Sea Annuities--4 per cent. 3 +per cent. 5 per cent. Long Annuities. + +Besides various Freehold, Copyhold, and Leasehold Estates, Reversions +and Annuities, of incalculable value. + +One of the Freehold Estates is that known by the name of Ireland's Row, +and the Brewhouse adjacent, Mile End; the Muswell Hill Estate; a large +House in Russell Square, tenanted at present by Mr. B-----dd!!! + +“For the truth of this statement, or the real existence of any property +belonging to her, I am not able to vouch. She is well known in all +the offices of this great Establishment, is generally peaceable in +her conduct, and communicative in her conversation, which at times +distinguishes her as a person of good education.” + +“Hard is the fortune which your Sex attends, Women, like princes, find +few real friends; All who approach them their own ends pursue, Lovers +and ministers are seldom true. Hence oft from reason heedless beauty +strays, And the most trusted guide the most betrays.” + +The conversation was here interrupted by the arrival of a Gentleman, +who, taking Mr. M. on one side, Tom and Bob wished him a good morning. +They proceeded to ~318~~ view the various offices which branch out +from the Rotunda, and which are appropriated to the management of each +particular stock, in each of which Bob could not help admiring the happy +disposition of every department to facilitate business. The arrangement +of the books, and the clerks, under the several letters of the alphabet, +he conceived was truly excellent. + +“The Corporation of the Bank,” said Dashall, “are prohibited from +trading in any sort of goods or merchandize whatsoever; but are to +confine the use of their capital to discounting Bills of Exchange, and +to the buying and selling of gold and silver bullion; with a permission +however to sell such goods as are mortgaged or pawned to them and not +redeemed within three months after the expiration of the time for their +redemption. Their profits arise from their traffic in bullion; the +discounting of Bills of Exchange for Bankers, Merchants, Factors, and +Speculators; and the remuneration they receive from Government, for +managing the public funds, and for receiving the subscriptions on loans +and lotteries. But we may ramble about in these places for a month, and +still have novelty in store; and there is a little world underneath the +greater part of this extensive building devoted to printing-offices, +ware-rooms, &c.” + +They had now reached the door which leads into Bartholomew Lane, and, +upon descending the steps, and turning to the left, Bob's eyes soon +discovered the Auction Mart, “What have we here?” inquired he. + +“That,” replied his Cousin, “is a building which may deservedly be +rank'd as one of the ornaments of the City; and its arrangements and +economy, as well as the beauty of its interior, are well deserving the +notice of every stranger. This fine establishment, which serves as a +focus for the sale of estates and other property by public auction, is +both useful and ornamental; it was built about the time when the spirit +of combination was so strong in London. You must know, some years back, +every kind of business and trade appeared likely to be carried on by +Joint Stock Companies, and the profits divided upon small shares. Many +Fire-offices have to date their origin from this source--the Hope, the +Eagle, the Atlas, and others. The Golden Lane Brewery was opened +upon this principle; some Water Companies were established; till +neighbourhood ~319~~ and partnership almost became synonimous; and, I +believe, among many other institutions of that kind, the Building before +us is one. It contains many handsome rooms and commodious offices; but, +as for offices, every street and every alley abounds with them, and, +now-a-days, if you want to hire a Cook or a Scullion, you have nothing +to do but to send a letter to a Register-office, and you are suited in +a twinkling. It was an excellent idea, and I remember the old Buck who +used to call himself the founder of establishments of that nature, or +rather the first introducer of them to the notice of Englishmen, poor +old Courtois.” + +John Courtois is said to have been a native of Picardy, where he was +born about the year 1737 or 1738. He repaired to this country while yet +young, in the character of _valet de chambre_ to a gentleman who had +picked him up in his travels; and, as he came from one of the poorest +of the French provinces, he “took root,” and throve wonderfully on his +transplantation to a richer soil. + +On the death of his master, he removed to the neighbourhood of the +Strand; and St. Martin's Street,. Leicester Square, became the scene of +his industry and success. At a time when wigs were worn by boys, and a +Frenchman was supposed the only person capable of making one fit “for +the grande monarque,” he commenced business as a perruquier, and +soon acquired both wealth and celebrity. To this he joined another +employment, which proved equally lucrative and appropriate, as it +subjected both masters and servants to his influence. This was the +keeping of a register-office, one of the first known in the Metropolis, +whence he drew incalculable advantages. He is also said to have been a +dealer in hair, which he imported largely from the continent. And yet,, +after all, it is difficult to conceive how he could have realized a +fortune exceeding 200,000L.! But what may not be achieved by a man who +despised no gains, however small, and in his own expressive language, +considered farthings as “the seeds of guineas!” + +The following appears to be a true description of this very +extraordinary man, whom we ourselves have seen more than once:--“Old +Courtois was well known for more than half a century in the purlieus of +St. Martin's and the Haymarket. His appearance was meagre and squalid, +and his clothes, such as they were, were ~320~~ pertinaciously got up in +exactly the same cut and fashion, and the colour always either fawn or +marone. For the last thirty years, the venerable chapeau was uniformly +of the same cock. The principal feat, however, in which this fervent +votary of Plutus appeared before the public, was his nearly fatal affair +with Mary Benson, otherwise Mrs. Maria Theresa Phepoe. In April 1795, +this ill-fated-woman projected a rather bungling scheme, in order +to frighten her old acquaintance and visitor, Courtois, out of a +considerable sum of money. One evening, when she was certain of his +calling, she had her apartment prepared for his reception in a species +of funereal style--a bier, a black velvet pall, black wax candles +lighted, &c. No sooner had the friend entered the room, than the lady, +assisted by her maid, pounced on him, forced him into an arm chair, +in which he was forcibly held down by the woman, while the hostess, +brandishing a case-knife or razor, swore with some violent imprecations, +that instant should be his last, if he did not give her an order on his +“banker for a large sum of money. The venerable visitor, alarmed at the +gloomy preparations and dire threats of the desperate female, asked for +pen, ink, and paper; which being immediately produced, he wrote a check +on his banker for two thousand pounds. He immediately retired with +precipitation, happy to escape without personal injury. The next +morning, before its opening, he attended at the Banker's, with some +Police-officers; and on Mrs. Phepoe's making her appearance with the +check, she was arrested, and subsequently tried at the Old Bailey, on a +capital charge, grounded on the above proceedings. However, through +the able defence made by her counsel (the late Mr. Fielding) who took a +legal objection to the case as proved, and contended that she never +had or obtained any property of Mr. Courtois, on the principle that +possession constituted the first badge of ownership, she was only +sentenced to twelve months' imprisonment.” + +“Some years since, the late Lord Gage met Courtois, at the court-room of +the East India House, on an election business. “Ah, Courtois!” said his +Lordship, “what brings you here?”--'To give my votes, my Lord,' was the +answer.--“What! are you a proprietor?--'Most certainly.'--“And of more +votes than one?”--'Yes, my ~321~~ Lord, I have four!'--“Aye, indeed! why +then, before you take the book, pray be kind enough to pin up my curls!” + With which modest request the proprietor of four votes, equal to ten +thousand pounds, immediately complied! + +“M. Courtois married a few years since, and has left several children. +On reflecting that his widow's thirds would amount to an immense sum, +with his usual prudence he made a handsome settlement on her during +his lifetime. As his sons were not of very economical habits, he has +bequeathed them small annuities only; and vested the bulk of his fortune +in trustees on behalf of his daughters, who are infants. + +“Until his death, he invariably adhered to the costume of the age in +which he was born. A three-cocked hat, and a plum-coloured coat, +both rather the worse for wear, in which we have seen him frequently, +invariably designated his person and habits; while a penurious economy, +that bid defiance to all vulgar imitation, accompanied him to his grave. +His death occurred in 1819, in the 80th or 81st year of his age.” + +“Such characters,” observed Tallyho, “notwithstanding their +eccentricity, afford useful lessons to those who, in this giddy and +dissipated age, devote a part of their time to thinking.” + +“No doubt of it,” replied Dashall; “they furnish examples of what may +be done by perseverance and determination, and almost seem to verify the +assertion, that every one may become rich if he pleases. But come, we +must move towards Tom's Coffee House, in our way to which we will +pass through the Royal Exchange, which lies directly before us. It was +originally a brick building, erected by Sir Thomas Gresham in the year +1567, but being destroyed by the fire of London in 1666, the present +building of Portland stone was raised in its place, the first stone +of which was laid by Charles II. in 1667; in consequence of which his +statue has been placed in the centre of its quadrangle, around which the +Merchants assemble daily to transact their commercial business.{1} + + 1 The merry Monarch was fond of the Citizens, and frequently + honoured the Lord Mayor's table with his presence. It is + said of him, that, on retiring to his carriage one day after + dining with the civic Sovereign, he was followed by the + latter, who, with a freedom inspired by the roseate Deity, + laid hold of His Majesty by the arm, and insisted that he + should not go until he had drunk t'other bottle. The Monarch + turned round, and good-humouredly repeating a line from an + old song--“The man that is drunk is as great as a king,” + went back to the company, and doubtless complied with the + Lord Mayor's request. + +~322~~ “It has two principal fronts, one in Cornhill, and the other, +which you now see, is at the end of Threadneedle Street; each of which +has a piazza, affording a convenient shelter from the sun and rain. +It is open as a thoroughfare from eight in the morning till six in the +evening; but the hours in which business is chiefly transacted, are from +two to five. Its extent is 203 feet by 171.” + +By this time they had passed the gate, and Bob found himself in a +handsome area with a fine piazza carried entirely round, and furnished +with seats along the four walks, for Merchants of different nations, who +meet, each at their different stations, and was immediately attracted +by the appearance of the numerous specimens of art with which it was +adorned. + +“Do you observe,” said his Cousin, “within these piazzas are +twenty-eight niches; all vacant but that in which is placed a statue of +Sir Thomas Gresham, in the north-west angle; and that in the south-west, +which presents a statue of Sir John Barnard, Magistrate of the City, and +one of its Representatives in Parliament. Those smaller statues in the +niches of the wall of the Quadrangle, in the upper story, are the Kings +and Queens of England, beginning with Edward I. on the North side, and +ending with his late Majesty on the East. As far as Charles I. they were +executed by Gabriel Cibber. The various frames which are placed around +under the piazza, contain the names, residences and occupations of +Tradesmen, Mechanics and others. The grand front in Cornhill has +been under repair lately, and in its appearance, no doubt, is greatly +improved. The steeple which is just raised, is a handsome dome, +surmounted by the original grasshopper, rendered somewhat celebrated by +a prophecy, that certain alterations would take place in men, manners, +and times, when the grasshopper on the top of the Exchange should meet +the dragon at the top of Bow Church; and strange and extraordinary as it +may appear, this very circumstance is said to have taken place, as +they have both been seen in the warehouse of some manufacturer, to +whom ~323~~ they were consigned for repair; in addition to which, if +Crockery's{1} relation of the transmogrifications of England is to +be believed, the prophecy is in a considerable degree a whimsical and +laughable Burletta, in one act, has recently been produced at the Royal +Coburg Theatre, in which Mr. Sloman sings, with admirable comicality, +the following Song, alluded to by the Hon. Tom Dashall, to the tune of +O, The Roast Beef of Old England. + + “From Hingy I came with my Master, O dear, + But Lunnun is not like the same place, that's clear; + It has nigh broke my heart since I have been here! + O, the old times of Old England, + O dear, the good English old times. + + The town is so changed, that I don't know a spot; + The times are so hard, there's no vork to be got; + And for porter they charges you tip-pence a pot! + O, the old times, &c. + + Then the sides of the houses are stuck full of bills + About Blacking, Mock-Auctions, and vonderful Fills; + But for von vot they cures, a hundred they kills! + O, the old times, &c. + + There's the names are all halter'd verewer I goes, + And the people all laughs at the cut of my close; + The men are turn'd vomen, the belles are turn'd beaux! + O, the old times, &c. + + Ven I vent out to Hingy, if any von died, + A good vooden coffin they used to prowide, + But hiron vons now keeps the poor vorms houtside! + O, the old times, &c. + + There's the Lancaster schools now all over the land, + Vot teaches the children to scribble on sand-- + And a hugly Bonassus vot lives in the Strand! + O, the new times, &c. + + There's a new Life-preserver, vith vich you cant drown; + And a new kind of Sov'reigns just com'd into town, + Von is vorth a pound note, and the other a crown! + O, the new times, &c. + + The Play-bills have hard vords, vot I cannot speak; + And the horgans plays nothing but Latin and Greek; + And it's rain'd every day now for more than a veek! + O, the new times, &c. + + There's a man valks on vater and don't vet his feet; + And a patent steam-kitchen, vot cooks all your meat; + And Epp's ham and beef shop in every street! + O, the new times, &c. + + I valks up and down vith the tears in my hye; + Vot they vonce call'd a vaggon is now call'd a fly; + And the boys points their fingers, and calls I--a “Guy! + O, the old times of Old England, + O dear, the good English old times.” + +~324~~There is a stair-case in each front, and one on each side, which +lead to a gallery above, running round the whole building, containing +the offices of various establishments; but I believe, in the original +plan, shops were intended to fill the building to the top. At present, +the upper rooms are occupied by Lloyd's celebrated Subscription +Coffee-house, for the use of Under-writers and Merchants--by the Royal +Exchange Insurance Company, and various offices of individuals. There +are also the Gresham Lecture--Rooms, where lectures are read pursuant to +the will of the late Sir Thomas Gresham, who bequeathed to the City of +London and the Mercers' Company, all the profits arising from these and +other premises in Cornhill, in trust to pay salaries to four lecturers +in divinity, astronomy, music, and geometry; and three readers in civil +law, physic, and rhetoric, who read lectures daily in term time. + +“This we may consider the grand mart of the universe! where congregate +those sons of Commerce the British Merchants, who, in dauntless extent +of enterprise, hold such distinguished pre-eminence!” + +Tallyho viewed the scene before him with an inquisitive eye, and was +evidently wrapped in surprise at the “busy hum of men,” all actuated +by one universal object, the acquisition of wealth. The spacious area +exhibited a mass of mercantile speculators, numerously grouped, in +conversation; under the piazzas appeared a moving multitude in like +manner engaged, while the surrounding seats were in similar occupation; +Dashall and Bob, of the many hundreds of individuals present, were +perhaps the only two led to the place by curiosity alone. + +Tallyho, who, on every occasion of “doubtful dilemma,” looked to his +cousin Dashall for extrication, expressed his surprise at the appearance +of a squalid figure, whose lank form, patched habiliments, and unshorn +beard, indicated ~325~~extreme penury; in familiar converse with a +gentleman fashionably attired, and of demeanour to infer unquestionable +respectability. + +“Interest,” said Tallyho, “supersedes every other consideration, else +these two opposites would not meet.” + +“Your observation is just,” replied his cousin; “the tatterdemallion to +whom you allude, is probably less impoverished than penurious; perhaps +of miserly habits, and in other respects disqualified for polite +society. What then, he is doubtless in ample possession of the essential +requisite; and here a monied man only is a good man, and without money +no man can be respectable.”{1} + +Here the continued and deafening noise of a hand-bell, rung by one +of the Exchange-keepers underlings, perched on the balcony over the +southern gate, interrupted Mr. Dashall's remarks; it was the signal for +locking up the gates, and inferring at the same time obedience to the +summons with due promptitude and submission, on pain of being detained +two hours “in duresse vile.” + +Sufficient alacrity of egression not having been shown, the Keepers +closed the two gates, and at the same time locked the east and western +avenues; thus interdicting from egress above three hundred contumacious +individuals, including the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin. + +A considerable time having now elapsed without any prospect of +enlargement, dissatisfaction gained ground apace, and shortly ripened +into actual mutiny. The disaffected now proceeded to hold a council of +war, and after a few moments deliberation, it was resolved unanimously +to storm the avenues! Dashall and + +1 Some years ago, a gentleman of extensive property, residing in the +country, was desirous of raising, by way of loan on the security of +landed estates, the sum of 30,000L. His Solicitor in London, with whom +he had corresponded on the subject, summoned him at last to town; a +lender was found, who was to meet the Solicitor at a certain time and +place appointed, in the neighbourhood of the Exchange. The borrower, +on the day and near the hour fixed upon, was in the area of the Royal +Exchange, when there crossed over a wretched looking being, the very +personification of misery. The gentleman, unsolicited, gave the poor +object a shilling. On going to the appointed rendezvous, how great was +his astonishment to find in the person of the wealthy monied man the +identical receiver of his bounty!--“Ha, ha,” cried he, “you shall not +fare the worse for your generosity!” and actually advanced the money +on terms much easier than expected. This personage was the celebrated +Daniel Dancer. + +~326~~ Tallyho declined taking any part in the enterprise; they took a +right view of the affair; they were mere casual visitants, not likely +ever again to suffer a similar restraint, while the others were in the +daily practice of transacting business on the spot: to them therefore +the frequent recurrence of the present disaster might happen--theirs +then was the cause, as being most particularly interested. + +An attack was made by the prisoners upon the portals opening into Bank +Buildings and Sweeting's Kents; but the former having been shattered +sometime since on a similar occasion, and subsequently very strongly +repaired, it was found impregnable, at least to any immediate exertion +of force, and being neither furnished with a park of artillery, nor with +the battering ram of the ancients, the little army faced to the right +about, enfiladed the area, and took up a new position, in due order of +assault, against the door of the avenue leading into Sweeting's Rents. +The affair was decided, and without bloodshed; the bars soon bent before +the vigour of the assailants; one of these was taken into custody by a +Beadle, but rescued, and the attack recommenced with success; when the +opposite door was also opened by the Shop-keeper living in that avenue, +and the Exchange was finally cleared at four minutes past five o'clock, +after above an hour's detention, including the time occupied in storming +the avenues. + +The triumph of liberty was now complete; the intrepid phalanx disbanded +itself; and our Heroes having made the farewell conge to their +victorious compeers, proceeded into Cornhill, where, Dashall espying +his curricle at the door of Tom's Coffee House, they, after refreshing +themselves, took a cheerful country drive over London Bridge, Clapham +Common, Wandsworth, &c. from which they returned at six o'clock to +dinner, determined to have a night's rest before they proceeded in +search of further adventures.~327~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + “Happy the man, who void of cares and strife, + In silken or in leathern purse retains + A SPLENDID shilling! he nor hears with pain + New oysters cried, nor sighs for cheerful ale; + + But I, whom griping penury surrounds, + And hunger, sure attendant upon want, + With scanty offal and small acid tiff, + Wretched repast, my meagre corse sustain! + Or solitary walk, or dose at home + In garret vile!” + +TALKING over, at the breakfast-table, the occurrences of the preceding +day--“On my conscience!” exclaimed Tallyho, “were the antediluvian +age restored, and we daily perambulated the streets of this immense +Metropolis during a hundred years to come, I firmly believe that every +hour would bring a fresh accession of incident.” + +“Ad infinitum,” answered Dashall; “where happiness is the goal in +view, and fifteen hundred thousand competitors start for the prize, the +manouvres of all in pursuit of the grand ultimatum must ever exhibit an +interesting and boundless variety. London, + + “. . . the needy villain's general home, + The common sewer of Paris and of Rome!” + +where ingenious vice too frequently triumphs over talented worth--where +folly riots in the glare of luxury, and merit pines in indigent +obscurity.--Allons donc!--another ramble, and chance may probably +illustrate my observation.” + +“Take notice,” said the discriminating Dashall to his friend, as they +reached the Mall in St. James's Park, “of that solitary knight of the +woeful countenance; his thread-bare raiment and dejected aspect, denote +disappointment and privation;--ten imperial sovereigns to a plebeian +~328~~ shilling, he is either a retired veteran or a distressed poet.” + +The object of curiosity, who had now seated himself, appeared to have +attained the age of fifty, or more--a bat that had once been +black--a scant-skirted blue coat, much the worse for wear--a striped +waistcoat--his lank legs and thighs wrapt in a pair of something +resembling trowsers, but “a world too wide for his shrunk shanks”--short +gaiters--shoes in the last stage of consumption--whiskers of full +dimensions--his head encumbered with an unadjusted redundancy-of grey +hair: such were the habiliments and figure of this son of adversity! + +The two friends now seated themselves on the same bench with the +stranger, who, absorbed in reflection, observed not their approach. + +The silence of the triumvirate was broken in upon by Tom, who, with his +usual suavity of manners, politely addressed himself to the unknown, +on the common topic of weather, _et cetera_, without eliciting in reply +more than an assenting or dissenting monosyllable, “You have seen some +service, Sir?” + +“Yes.” + +“In the army, I presume?” + +“No.” + +“Under Government?” + +“Yes.” + +“In the navy, probably?” + +“No.” + +“I beg your pardon,” continued Dashall--“my motives originate not in +idle inquisitiveness; if I can be of any service------” + +The stranger turned towards him an eye of inquiry. “I ask not from +impertinent curiosity,” resumed Dashall, “neither would I wish +indelicately to obtrude an offer of assistance, perhaps equally +unnecessary as unacceptable; yet there are certain mutabilities of life +wherein sympathy may be allowed to participate.” + +“Sir,” said the other, with an immediate grateful expansion of mind, and +freedom of communication--“I am inexpressibly indebted for the honour +of your solicitude, and feel no hesitation in acknowledging that I am +a literary writer; but so seldom employed, and, when employed, so +inadequately requited, that to me the necessaries of life are frequently +inaccessible.” + +~329~~ Here Tallyho interrupted the narrator by asking--whence it +was that he had adopted a profession so irksome, precarious, and +unproductive? + +“Necessity,” was the reply. “During a period of eight years, I performed +the duties as senior Clerk of an office under Government; four years +ago the establishment was broken up, without any provision made for its +subordinate dependents; and thus I became one of the twenty thousand +distressed beings in London, who rise from bed in the morning, unknowing +where to repose at night, and are indebted to chance for a lodging or a +dinner!”{1} 1 The following calculation, which is curious in all its + parts, cannot fail to interest the reader:-- + + The aggregate Population on the surface of the known + habitable Globe is estimated at 1000,000,000 souls. If + therefore we reckon with the Ancients, that a generation + lasts 30 years, then in that space 1000,000,000 human beings + will be born and die; consequently, 91,314 must be dropping + into eternity every day, 3800 every hour, or about 63 every + minute, and more than one every second. Of these + 1000,000,000 souls, 656,000,000 are supposed to be Pagans, + 160,000,000 Mahomedans, 9,000,000 Jews, only 175,000,000 are + called Christians, and of these only 50,000,000 are + Protestants. + + There are in London 502 places of Worship--one Cathedral, + one Abbey, 114 Churches, 132 Chapels and Chapels of Ease, + 220 Meet-ings and Chapels for Dissenters, 43 Chapels for + Foreigners, and 6 Synagogues for Jews. About 4050 public and + private Schools, including Inns of Courts, Colleges, &c. + About 8 Societies for Morals; 10 Societies for Learning and + Arts; 112 Asylums for Sick and Lame; 13 Dispensaries, and + 704 Friendly Societies. Charity distributed £800,000 per + annum. + + There are about 2500 persons committed for trial in one + year: The annual depredations amount to about £2,100,000. + There are 19 Prisons, and 5204 Alehouses within the bills of + Mortality. The amount of Coin counterfeited is £200,000 per + annum. Forgeries on the Bank of England in the year + £150,000. About 3000 Receivers of Stolen Goods. About 10,000 + Servants at all times out of place. Above 20,000 miserable + individuals rise every morning without knowing how or by + what means they are to be supported during the passing day, + or where, in many instances, they are to lodge on the + succeeding night. + + London consumes annually 112,000 bullocks; 800,000 sheep and + lambs; 212,000 calves; 210,000 hogs; 60,000 sucking pigs; + 7,000,000 gallons of milk, the produce of 9000 cows; 10,000 + acres of ground cultivated for vegetables; 4000 acres for + fruit; 75,000 quarters of wheat; 700,000 chaldrons of coals; + 1,200,500 barrels of ale and porter; 12,146,782 gallons of + spirituous liquors and compounds; 35,500 tons of wine; + 17,000,000 pounds of butter, 22,100,000 pounds of cheese; + 14,500 boat loads of cod. + +~330~~ “May I ask,” said Mr. Dashall, “from what species of literary +composition you chiefly derive your subsistence?” + +“From puffing--writing rhyming advertisements for certain speculative +and successful candidates for public favour, in various avocations; +for instance, eulogizing the resplendent brilliancy of Jet or Japan +Blacking--the wonderful effects of Tyrian-Dye and Macassar Oil in +producing a luxuriant growth and changing the colour of the hair, +transforming the thinly scattered and hoary fragments of age to the +redundant and auburn tresses of youth--shewing forth that the “Riding +Master to his late Majesty upwards of thirty years, and Professor of the +Royal Menage of Hanover, sets competition at defiance, and that all who +dare presume to rival the late Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, +are vile unskilful pretenders, ci-devant stable-boys, and totally +undeserving the notice of an enlightened and discerning public! In fact, +Sir, I am reduced to this occasional humiliating employment, derogatory +certainly to the dignity of literature, as averting the approach of +famine. I write, for various adventurers, poetical panegyric, and +illustrate each subject by incontrovertible facts, with appropriate +incident and interesting anecdote.” + +“And these facts,” observed Bob Tallyho, “respectably authenticated?” + +“By no means,” answered the Poet; “nor is it necessary, nobody takes the +trouble of inquiry, and all is left to the discretion of the writer and +the fertility of his invention.” + +“On the same theme, does not there exist,” asked Dashall, “a difficulty +in giving it the appearance of variety?” + +“Certainly; and that difficulty would seem quite insurmountable when +I assure you, that I have written for a certain Blacking Manufacturer +above two hundred different productions on the subject of his +unparalleled Jet, each containing fresh incident, and very probably +fresh incident must yet be found for two hundred productions more! But +the misfortune is, that every thing is left to my invention, and the +remuneration is of a very trifling nature for such mental labour: +besides, it has frequently happened that the toil has proved +unavailing--the production is rejected--the anticipated half-crown +remains in the accumulating coffers of the Blacking-manufacturer, and +the Author returns, pennyless and despondingly, to his attic, where, if +fortune at last befriends him, he probably may breakfast dine and +sup, tria juncta in uno, at a late hour in the evening!” ~331~~ “And,” + exclaimed the feeling Dashall, “this is real Life in London!” + +“With me actually so,” answered the Poet. + +The Blacking-maker's Laureat now offered to the perusal of his +sympathising friends the following specimen of his ability in this mode +of composition:-- + + PUG IN ARMOUR; + OR, + THE GARRISON ALARMED. + + “Whoe'er on the rock of Gibraltar has been, + A frequent assemblage of monkeys has seen + Assailing each stranger with volleys of stones, + As if pre-determin'd to fracture his bones! + + A Monkey one day took his turn as a scout, + And gazing his secret position about, + A boot caught his eye, near the spot that was plac'd, + By w * * * *n's jet; Blacking transcendently grac'd; + And, viewing his shade in its brilliant reflection, + He cautiously ventured on closer inspection. + + The gloss on its surface return'd grin for grin, + Thence seeking his new-found acquaintance within, + He pok'd in the boot his inquisitive snout, + Head and shoulders so far, that he could not get out; + And thus he seem'd cas'd--from his head to his tail, + In suit of high-burnish'd impregnable mail! + + Erect on two legs then, with retrograde motion, + It stalk'd; on the Sentry impressing a notion + That this hostile figure, of non-descript form, + The fortress might take by manoeuvre or storm! + + Now fixing his piece, in wild terror he bawls-- + “A legion of devils are scaling the walls!” + The guards sallied forth 'mid portentous alarms, + Signal-guns were discharged, and the drums beat to arms; + And Governor then, and whole garrison, ran + To meet the dread foe in this minikin man! + + “A man--'tis a monkey!” Mirth loudly exclaim'd, + And peace o'er the garrison then was proclaim'd; + And Pug was released, the strange incident backing + The merits, so various, of W* * * *n's Jet Blacking.” + +~332~~ This trifle, well enough for the purpose, was honoured with +approbation. + +The two friends, unwilling to offend the delicacy of the Poet by a +premature pecuniary compliment at this early stage of acquaintance, took +his address and departed, professing an intention of calling upon him at +his lodgings in the evening. + +“I would not, were I a bricklayer's labourer,” exclaimed Bob, “exchange +situations with this unfortunate literary hack--this poor devil of +mental toil and precarious result, who depends for scanty subsistence on +the caprice of his more fortunate inferiors, whose minds, unexpanded +by liberal feeling, and absorbed in the love of self, and the +sordid consideration of interest, are callous to the impression of +benevolence!--But let us hope that few such cases of genius in +adversity occur, even in this widely extended and varied scene of human +vicissitude.” + +“That hope,” replied his Cousin, “is founded on + + “The baseless fabric of a vision!” + +There are, at this moment, thousands in London of literary merit, of +whom we may truly say, + + “Chill penury repress their noble rage, + And freeze the genial current of the soul!” + +Men unsustained by the hand of friendship, who pine in unheeded +obscurity, suffering the daily privations of life's indispensable +requisites, or obtaining a scanty pittance at the will of opulent +ignorance, and under the humiliating contumely, as we have just been +informed, even of Blacking Manufacturers! + +“But here is a man, who, during a period of eight years, held a public +situation, the duties of which he performed satisfactorily to the last; +and yet, on the abolition of the establishment, while the Principal +retires in the full enjoyment of his ample salary, this senior Clerk +and his fellows in calamity are cast adrift upon the world, to live or +starve, and in the dearth of employment suitable to their habits and +education, the unfortunate outcasts are left to perish, perhaps by the +hand of famine in the streets, or that of despondency in a garret; +or, what is worse than either, consigned to linger out their remaining +wretched ~333~~ days under the “cold reluctant charity” of a parish +workhouse.{1} + +“When the principal of a Public-office has battened for many years on +his liberal salary, and the sole duties required of him have been those +of occasionally signing a few official papers, why not discontinue his +salary on the abolition of the establishment, and partition it out in +pensions to those disbanded Clerks by whose indefatigable exertions +the business of the public has been satisfactorily conducted? These +allowances, however inadequate to the purpose of substantiating all +the comforts, might yet realise the necessaries of life, and, at least, +would avert the dread of absolute destitution.” + +A pause ensued--Dashall continued in silent rumination--a few moments +brought our Heroes to the Horse Guards; and as the acquirement “devoutly +to be wished” was a general knowledge of metropolitan manners, they +proceeded to the observance of Real Life in a Suttling House. + +Child's Suttling House at the Horse Guards is the almost exclusive +resort of military men, who, availing themselves of the intervals +between duty, drop in to enjoy a pipe and pint. + + “To fight their battles o'er again, + Thrice to conquer all their foes, + And thrice to slay the slain.” + +In the entrance on the left is a small apartment, bearing the dignified +inscription, in legible characters on the door, of “The Non-Commissioned +Officers' Room.” In front of the bar is a larger space, boxed off, +and appropriated to the use of the more humble heroical aspirants, the +private men; and passing through the bar, looking into Whitehall, is +the _Sanctum Sanctorum_, for the reception of the more exalted rank, the +golden-laced, three-striped, subordinate commandants, Serjeant-Majors +and Serjeants, with the colour-clothed regimental appendants of +Paymasters and Adjutants' Clerks, _et cetera_. Into this latter +apartment our accomplished friends were ushered with becoming + + 1 “Swells then thy feeling heart, and streams thine eye + O'er the deserted being, poor and old, + + Whom cold reluctant parish-charity + Consigns to mingle with his kindred mold.” + --Charlotte Smith. + +~334~~ respect to their superior appearance, at the moment when a warm +debate was carrying on as to the respective merits of the deceased +Napoleon and the hero of Waterloo. + +The advocate of the former seemed unconnected with the army: the +adherent to the latter appeared in the gaudy array of a Colour-Serjeant +of the Foot Guards, and was decorated with a Waterloo medal, +conspicuously suspended by a blue ribbon to the upper button of his +jacket; and of this honourable badge the possessor seemed not less vain +than if he had been adorned with the insignia of the most noble order of +the Garter. + +“I contend, and I defy the universe to prove the contrary,” exclaimed +the pertinacious Serjeant in a tone of authoritative assertion, +“that the Duke of Wellington is a greater man than ever did, does, or +hereafter may exist!” + +“By no means,” answered the Civilian. “I admit, so far as a thorough +knowledge of military tactics, and a brilliant career of victory +constitutes greatness, his grace of Wellington to be a great hero, but +certainly not the greatest 'inan that ever did, does, or hereafter may +exist!” “Is there a greater man? Did there ever exist a greater?--when +and where?” the Serjeant impatiently demanded. + +“Buonaparte was a greater,” answered the opposing disputant; “because to +military renown unparalleled in the annals of ancient or modern history, +he added the most consummate knowledge of government; and although his +actions might frequently partake of arbitrary sway, (and who is the +human being exempted from human frailty) yet he certainly created and +sustained, in her most elevated zenith, the splendour of France, till +crushed by the union of nations in arms; and if power is the criterion +of greatness, who was, is, or ever can be greater than the man, who, +emerging from obscurity, raised himself solely by his mental energies +to the highest elevation of human glory; and who, this Island excepted, +commanded the destinies of all Europe! The most determined of his +enemies will not deny, calmly and duly appreciating his merits, that he +possessed unrivalled talent; and this fact the hero, whose cause you +so vehemently espouse, would, I have no doubt, be the foremost in +acknowledging.” + +In deficiency of argument, the Serjeant resorted to invective; the +vociferous disputation reached the next ~335~~ room, and was taken up by +the rank and file in a manner not less tumultuous; when an honest native +of the “Emerald Isle” good-humouredly terminated the war of words, +calling for half a quartern of gin, with which to qualify a pint of +Whitbread's entire. + +“To the immortal memory of St. Patrick, and long life to him!” exclaimed +Patrick O'Shaughnessy. “If there did not exist but them two selves, bad +luck to the spalpeen who will say that the Duke and my Lord Londondery +would not be the greatest men in the universe!” + +This sally led to a cessation of hostilities, which might have been +followed by a definitive treaty of peace, but the dæmon of discord again +made its appearance in the tangible shape of a diminutive personage, +who, hitherto silently occupying a snug out-of-the-way corner by the +fireplace, had escaped observation. + +Dashall and his Cousin emerging from the Sanctum Sanctorum, where +their presence seemed to have operated as a check on the freedom of +discussion, had just seated themselves in the room allotted to the +private soldiers, when, in a broad northern accent, the aforesaid +taciturn gentleman, selecting the two strangers, who, of all the +company, seemed alone worthy the honour of his notice, thus addressed +them: + +“I crave your pardon, Sirs--but I guess frae your manner that ye are +no unacquainted wi' the movements o' high life--do you ken how lang the +King means to prolong his abode amang our neebors owre the water, his +hair-brain'd Irish subjects, whase notions o' loyalty hae excited sae +mony preposterously antic exhibitions by that volatile race O' people?” + +“I am not in possession,” answered Dashall, “of any information on the +subject.” + +“By the manes of the Priest,” exclaimed Mr. O'Shaughnessy, “but the King +(God bless him) has visited the land of green Erin, accompanied by the +spirit of harmony, and praties without the sauce of butter-milk be his +portion, who does not give them both a hearty welcome!--Arrah, what mane +you by a preposterous exhibition? By hecky, the warm hearts of the sons +and daughters of St. Patrick have exhibited an unsophisticated feeling +of loyalty, very opposite indeed to the chilling indifference, not to +say worse of it, of those his subjects at home; and as Sir William, the +big Baronet of the City, said in the House ~336~~ that gives laws to the +land, Why should not his Majesty be cheered up a little?” + +This effusion of loyalty was well received, and Dashall and his Cousin +cordially united in the general expression of approbation. + +“This is a' vera weel,” said the Northern; “but an overstrained civility +wears ay the semblance o' suspicion, and fulsome adulation canna be vera +acceptable to the mind o' delicate feeling: for instance, there is +my ain country, and a mair ancient or a mair loyal to its legitimate +Sovereign there disna exist on the face o' the whole earth; wad the King +condescend to honor wi' his presence the palace o' Holyrod House, he +wad experience as ardent a manifestation o' fidelity to his person and +government in Auld Reekie as that shown him in Dublin, though aiblins +no quite sae tumultuous; forbye, it wadna hae been amiss to hae gaen +the preference to a nation whare his ancestors held sway during sae mony +centuries, and whare, in the castle of Edinburgh, is still preserved the +sacred regalia, with which it migh no hae been unapropos to hae graced +his royal head and hand amidst the gratifying pageantry o' a Scotch +coronation. Sure I am that North Britain has never been honored publicly +wi' a royal visit.--Whether ony branch o' the present reigning family +hae been there incognita they best ken themselves.” + +“You seem to have forgot,” observed Tallyho, “the visit of the Duke of +Cumberland to Scotland in the year 1745.” + +“Begging your pardon for setting you right in that particular,” answered +the cynic, with a most significant expression of countenance, “that, +Sir, was not a visit, but a visitation!” + +“Appropriate enough,” whispered Dashall to Tallyho. + +“Augh, boderation to nice distinctions!” exclaimed O'Shaughnessy; “here, +Mister Suttler be after tipping over anoder half quartern of the cratur, +wid which to drink success to the royal visitant.” + +“And that the company may participate in the gratifying expression of +attachment to their Sovereign, Landlord,” said Dashall, “let the glass +go round.” + +“Testifying our regard for the Sovereign,” resumed the Northern, “it +canna be understood that we include a' the underlings o' Government. We +ought, as in duty bound, to venerate and obey the maister o' the house; +bat it is ~337~~ by no means necessary that we should pay a similar +respect to his ox and his ass, his man-servant and his maid-servant. +May be, had he been at hame on a late occasion o' melancholy solemnity, +blood wadna hae been spilt, and mickle dool and sorrow wad hae been +avoided.” + +“We perfectly understand your allusion,” said one from the group of +Life-guardsmen: “Of us now present there were none implicated in the +unfortunate occurrences either of that day or a subsequent one: yet we +must not silently hear our comrades traduced--perhaps then it may be as +well to drop the subject.” + +“I canna think o' relinquishing a topic 0' discourse,” answered the +Northern, “replete wi' mickle interest, merely at your suggestion; it +may be ye did your duty in obeying the commands, on that lamentable +occasion, O' your superior officers, and it is to be hoped that the duty +O' the country, towards those with whom originated the mischief, will +not be forgotten; there is already on record against the honour 0' your +corps a vera serious verdick.” + +Here the Life-guardsmen spontaneously started up; but the immediate +interposition of Dashall averted me impending storm; while Tallyho, +imitating the generosity of his Cousin, ordered the circulation once +more of the bottle, to Unanimity betwixt the military and the people. +Harmony thus restored, the two friends took their leave, amidst the +grateful acknowledgments of the company, O'Shaughnessy swearing on +their departure, that doubtless the two strangers were begot in Ireland, +although they might have come over to England to be born! While the +pertinacious Northern observed, that appearances were aften deceitful, +although, to be sure, the twa friends had vera mickle the manners 0' +perfectly well-bred gentlemen, and seem'd, forbye, to hae a proper sense +o' national honor. + +Proceeding into Whitehall, Tallyho much admired the statue-like figures +of the mounted sentries in the recesses by the gate of the Horse-guards; +the relief had just approached; the precision of retirement of the one +party, and advance to its post of the other: the interesting appearance +of the appropriately caparisoned and steady demeanour of the horses, +and their instinctive knowledge of military duty, excited deservedly +prolonged attention, + +~338~~ “One would think,” said Tallyho, “that these noble animals are +really actuated by reasoning faculties.” + +“Hereafter,” replied Dashall, “you will still more incline to this +opinion, when we have an opportunity of being present on a cavalry +field-day in Hyde Park, where manoeuvre will appear to have attained its +acme of perfection, as much from the wonderful docility of the horse as +the discipline of the rider.”{l} + +“But hold, who have we here?--Our friend Sparkle, gazing about him with +an eye of inquisitive incertitude, as if in search of lost property.” + +As his two friends approached, he seemed bewildered in the labyrinth +of conjecture.--“I have lost my horse!” he exclaimed, in answer to the +inquiry of Dashall. “Having occasion to stop half an hour at Drummond's, +I gave the animal in charge of an Israelite urchin, and now neither are +to be seen.” + +Casting a look down the street, they at last discerned the Jew lad, +quickly, yet carefully leading the horse along, with two boys mounted on +its back. Thoroughly instructed in the maxim--Get money, honestly if +you can, but get it by any means! young Moses had made the most of the +present opportunity, by letting out the horse, at a penny a ride, from +Charing Cross to the Horse Guards; this, by his own confession, was +the fifteenth trip! Sparkle, highly exasperated, was about to apply the +discipline of the whip to the shoulders of the thrifty speculator, when +Tallyho, interceding in his behalf, he was released, with a suitable +admonition. + + 1 Not long since some cavalry horses, deemed “unfit for + further service,” were sold at Tattersal's. Of one of these + a Miller happened to be the purchaser. Subservient now to + the ignoble purposes of burthen, the horse one day was + led, 'with a sack of flour on his back, to the next market- + town; there while the Miller entered a house for a few + moments, and the animal quietly waited at the door, a + squadron of dragoons drew up in an adjacent street, forming + by sound of trumpet; the instant that the Miller's horse + heard the well-known signal, it started off with as much + celerity as its burthen admitted, and, to the great + amusement of the troop, and astonishment of the spectators, + took its station in the ranks, dressing in line, with the + accustomed precision of an experienced veteran in the + service; and it was with considerable difficulty that the + Miller, who had now hastened to the spot, could induce the + animal to relinquish its military ardour, to which it still + appeared to cling with renewed and fond pertinacity! + +Sparkle, mounting his recovered charger, left his ~339~~ pedestrian +friends for the present, to continue their excursion; who, proceeding up +St. Martin's Lane, and admiring that noble edifice, the Church, reached, +without other remarkable occurrence, the quietude of Leicester Square. + +Close by is Barker's Panorama, an object of attraction too prominent to +be passed without inspection. They now entered, and Tallyho stood mute +with delight at the astonishing effect of the perspective; while, as if +by the powers of enchantment, he seemed to have been transported into +other regions. Amidst scenes of rich sublimity, in the centre of a vast +amphitheatre, bounded only by the distant horizon, far remote from the +noisy bustle of the Metropolis, he gave full scope to his imagination; +and after an hour of pleasing reverie, left the fascinating delusion +with evident reluctance. + +Emerging once more into the gay world, the two associates, in search +of Real Life in London, proceeded through Covent Garden Market, where +fruit, flowers, and exotics in profusion, invite alike the eye and the +appetite. + +Onwards they reached the classic ground of Drury, “Where Catherine +Street descends into the Strand.” + +“I never,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “pass this spot without a feeling +of veneration--the scenes of “olden times” rise on my view, and the +shades of Garrick, and our late loss, and not less illustrious +Sheridan, flit before me! This was then, as now, the seat of Cyprian +indulgence--the magnet of sensual attraction, where feminine youth and +beauty in their most fascinating and voluptuous forms were let out by +the unprincipled procuress, and the shrines of Venus and Apollo invited +the votaries of each to nocturnal sacrifice.{1} + + 1 The avenue to the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre was, in the + time of Garrick, through Vinegar Yard. In this passage an + old spider, better known, perhaps, by the name of a + Procuress, had spread her web, alias, opened a Bagnio, and + obtained a plentiful living by preying on those who + unfortunately or imprudently fell into her clutches. Those + who are not unacquainted with haddocks, will understand the + loose fish alluded to, who beset her doors, and accosted + with smiles or insults every one that passed. It happened + that a noble Lord, in his way to the theatre, with his two + daughters under his arm, was most grossly attacked by this + band of “flaming ministers.” He immediately went behind the + scenes, and insisted on seeing Mr. Garrick, to whom he + represented his case, and so roused the vengeance of the + little Manager, that he instantly, full of wrath, betook + himself to this unholy Sybil:-- + + “Twin-child of Cacus; Vulcan was their sire, Full offspring + both of healthless fume and fire!” + + + Finding her at the mouth of her cavern, he quickly gave veut + to his rage in the most buskin'd strain, and concluded by + swearing that he would have her ousted. To this assault she + was not backward in reply, but soon convinced him that she + was much more powerful in abusive language than our Roscius, + though he had recourse in his speech to Milton's “hell-born + bitch,” and other phrases of similar celebrity, whilst she + entirely depended on her own natural resources. Those to + whom this oratory is not new, have no need of our reporting + any of it; and those to whom it is a perfect mystery, boast + a “state the more gracious,” and are the more happy in their + ignorance. None of this rhapsody, however, although teeming + with blasphemy and abuse, had any effect on Garrick, and he + would have remained unmoved had she not terminated in the + following manner, which so excited the laughter of the + collected mob, and disconcerted “the soul of Richard,” + that, without another word to say, he hastily took shelter + in the theatre. Putting her arms akimbo, and letting down + each side of her mouth with wonderful expression of + contempt, she exclaimed--“You whipper snapper! you oust me! + You be d-----d! My house is as good as your's--aye, and + better too. I can come into your's whenever I like, and + see the best that you can do for a shilling; but d-----me if + you, or any body else, shall come into mine for less than a + fifteen-penny negus.” + +~340~~ “This street and neighbourhood was wont to exhibit, nightly, +a melancholy proof of early infamy. Here might be seen a prolonged +succession of juvenile voluptuaries, females, many of them under +fourteen years of age, offering themselves to indiscriminate +prostitution, in a state verging on absolute nudity, alluring the +passengers, by every seductive wile, to the haunts of depravity, from +which retreat was seldom effected without pecuniary exaction, and +frequently accompanied by personal violence. The nuisance has been +partly abated, but entirely to remove it would be a task of more +difficult accomplishment than that of cleansing the Augean stable, and +would baffle all the labours of Hercules!” + +“This fact,” observed Tallyho, “throws an indelible stain on +metropolitan police.” + +“Not so,” answered his companion, “scarce a day passes without groups of +these unfortunates being held before a magistrate, and humanely disposed +of in various ways, with the view of preventing a recurrence to vicious +habits,--but in vain;--the stain is more attributed to the depraved +nature of man, who first seduces, and then casts off ~341~~ to infamy +and indigence the unhappy victim of credulity. Many of these wretched +girls would, in all probability, gladly have abstained from the career +of vice, if, on their first fall, they had experienced the consoling +protection of parents or friends;--but, shut out from home,--exiled from +humanity,--divested of character, and without resources,--no choice is +left, other than mendicity or prostitution!”{1} + +The sombre reflections occasioned by these remarks gradually gave way to +those of a more enlivening hue, as the two friends proceeded along the +Strand. The various display, at the tradesmen's shop windows, of useful +and ornamental articles,--the continued bustle of the street,--the +throng of passengers of every description, hurrying on in the activity +of business, or more leisurely lounging their way under the impulse of +curiosity,--the endless succession of new faces, and frequent occurrence +of interesting incident;--these united in forming an inexhaustible fund +of amusement and admiration. + + 1 “Hatton Garden.--On Saturday, no less than fifteen + unfortunate girls, all elegantly attired, were placed at the + bar, charged by Cadby, the street-keeper on the Foundling + Estate, with loitering about the neighbourhood for their + nocturnal purposes. The constable stated, that repeated + complaints had been made to him by many of the inhabitants, + of the disgraceful practice of vast numbers of frail ones, + who resort every night to Brunswick Square. He had been + therefore instructed to endeavour to suppress the nuisance. + About twelve o'clock on Friday night, while perambulating + the district, he found the fifteen prisoners at the bar in + Brunswick Square, at their usual pursuits, and all of them + were in the act of picking up gentlemen. He procured + assistance, and they were taken into custody, and conveyed + to the watch-house. + + None of the prisoners could deny the charge, but expressed + great contrition at being under the painful necessity of + procuring their subsistence in so disgraceful a manner. They + were examined individually, by the magistrates, as to the + origin that brought them to disgrace. Some, from their + admission, were farmers' daughters, and had been decoyed + from their relatives, and brought to London, and + subsequently deserted by their seducers. Some were nursery- + maids--others, girls seduced from boarding schools. Their + tales were truly distressing--some had only been six months + in such infamy, others twelve months, and some two years and + upwards. + + The worthy magistrate, with much feeling, admonished them on + the evil course they were following, and pointed out the + means still left for them to return to the paths of virtue; + and on their severally promising never to appear again in + that quarter, they were discharged.” + +Passing through Temple Bar, “Once more,” said ~342~~ Dashall, “we enter +the dominions of another Sovereign,--the Monarch of the City,--than +whom there is none more tenacious of the rights and immunities of +his subjects. Professing a strictly civil government, and consequent +hostility to military interference, it does not always happen that the +regal sway of the East harmonizes with that of the West, and the limited +reign of the former is generally most popular when most in opposition +to that of the latter. Several important events have occurred wherein a +late patriotic Right Honourable Chief Magistrate has had the opportunity +of manifesting a zealous, firm, and determined attachment to the +privileges of the community: the good wishes of his fellow-citizens have +accompanied his retirement, and his private and public worth will be +long held in deserved estimation.” + +Turning up the Old Bailey, and passing, with no pleasing sensations, +that structure in front of which so many human beings expiate their +offences with their lives, without, in any degree, the frequency of +the dreadful example lessening the perpetration of crime,--“The crowd +thickens,” exclaimed the 'Squire; and advancing into Smithfield, a +new scene opened on the view of the astonished Tallyho. An immense and +motley crowd was wedged together in the open space of the market, which +was surrounded by booths and shows of every description, while the +pavement was rendered nearly impassable by a congregated multitude, +attracted by the long line of stalls, exhibiting, in ample redundancy, +the gorgeously gilt array of ginger-bread monarchs, savory spice-nuts, +toys for children and those of elder growth, and the numerous other +_et cetera_ of Bartholomew Fair, which at that moment the Lord Mayor +of London, with accustomed state and formality, was in the act of +proclaiming. + +A more dissonant uproar now astounded the ears of Bob than ever issued +from the hounds at falt in the field or at variance in the kennel! The +prolonged stunning and vociferous acclamation of the mob, accompanied +by the deeply sonorous clangor of the gong--the shrill blast of the +trumpet--the hoarse-resounding voices of the mountebanks, straining +their lungs to the pitch of extremity, through speaking tubes--the +screams of women and children, and the universal combination of discord, +announced the termination of the Civic Sovereign's performance in the +drama; “the revelry now had began,” ~343~~ and all was obstreperous +uproar, and “confusion worse confounded.” + +In the vortex of the vast assemblage, the Hon. Tom Dashall and his +Cousin were more closely hemmed in than they probably would have been at +the rout of female distinction, where inconvenience is the order of the +night, and pressure, to the dread of suffocation, the criterion of rank +and fashion. Borne on the confluent tide, retreat was impracticable; +alternately then, stationary and advancing with the multitude, as it +urged its slow and undulating progress; or paused at the attractions of +Wombwell and Gillman's rival menageries--the equestrian shows of Clark +and Astley--the theatres of Richardson and Gyngell, graced by the +promenade of the _dramatis personæ_ and lure of female nudity--the young +giantess--the dwarfs--and the accomplished lady, who, born without arms, +cuts out watch-papers with her toes, and takes your likeness with her +teeth!--Amidst these and numerous other seductive impediments to their +progress, our pedestrians, resisting alike temptation and invitation, +penetrated the mass of spectators, and gained an egress at Long Lane, +uninjured in person, and undamaged in property, “save and except” the +loss, by Bob, of a shoe, and the rent frock of his honourable Cousin. +To repair the one and replace the other was now the predominant +consideration. By fortunate proximity to a descendant of St. Crispin, +the latter object was speedily effected; but the difficulty of +finding, in that neighbourhood, a knight of the thimble, appearing +insurmountable, the two friends pursued their course, Dashall drawing +under his arm the shattered skirts of his garment, until they reached +Playhouse Yard, in Upper Whitecross Street, St. Luke's, to which they +had been previously directed, the epitome of Monmouth Street, chiefly +inhabited by tailors and old clothes retailers, where purchase and +repair are equally available. + +Entering a shop occupied by an intelligent Scotch tailor, who, with +his son, was busily employed in making up black cloth and kerseymere +waistcoats, his spouse, a native of Edinburgh, with a smile of +complacency and avidity of utterance that strongly indicated a view to +the main chance, put her usual inquiry: + +“What is your wull, Gentlemen--what wad you please to want?” + +“My good lady,” answered Dashall, “we would be ~344~~ glad to accept the +services of your husband,” exhibiting at same time the rent skirts of +his frock. “This accident was sustained in passing, or rather in being +squeezed through the Fair; my friend too, experienced a trifling loss; +but, as it has been replaced, I believe that he does not require present +amendment.” + +The materials destined to form the black waistcoats were then put aside, +while the northern adept in the exercise of the needle proceeded +to operate on the fractured garment; and a coat being supplied, _ad +interim_, Tom and his friend accepted the “hospitable invitation of the +guid wife, and seated themselves with unhesitating sociability. + +“And sae ye hae been to the Fair, gentlemen?” “We have, madam,” said +Dashall, “and unintentionally so; we were not, until on the spot, aware +of any such exhibition, and got within its vortex just as the Lord Mayor +had licensed, by proclamation, the commencement of this annual scene of +idleness, riot and dissipation!” + +“Hoot awa, Sir, ye wadna wish to deprive us o' our amusements; poor +folks dinna often enjoy pleasure, and why should na they hae a wee bit +o' it now and then, as weel as the rich?” + +“I know not, my good lady,” exclaimed Bon, “that I can altogether +assimilate with your's my ideas of pleasure; if it consists in being +pressed nearly to death by a promiscuous rabble, in attempts on your +pocket, shoes trod off your feet by the formidable iron-cased soles of a +drayman's ponderous sandals, to say nothing of the pleasing effect thus +produced upon your toes, and in having the coat torn off from your back, +I would freely resign to the admirers of such pleasure the full benefit +of its enjoyment.” + +“Accidents wull happen ony where and in ony situation,” replied the +garrulous wife; “ye may be thankfu', gentlemen, that its nae waur,--and, +for the matter o' the rent frock, my guid man wull repair it in sic a +way that the disaster wull no be seen, and the coat wull look as weel as +ever.” + +The promise was verified; the reparation was made with equal neatness +and celerity; something beyond the required remuneration was given; and +Dashall inquiring if the worthy dame of _Auld Reekie_ would take a drop +of cordial, the friendly offer was accepted, and the glass of ~345~~ +good fellowship having been drank, and civilities interchanged, the +strangers departed. + +They were now in Whitecross Street, where sojourned their acquaintance +of the morning, the distressed Poet; and, from the accuracy of +description, had no difficulty in ascertaining his place of residence. + +It was in a public-house; a convenient lodging for the forlorn +being, who, exiled from friendship, and unconnected by any ties of +consanguinity, can dress his scanty meal by a gratuitous fire, and where +casual generosity may sometimes supply him with a draught of Hanbury's +exhilarating beverage. + +At the bar, directly facing the street door, the strangers, on inquiring +for the Poet by name, were directed by the landlord, with a sarcastical +expression of countenance, to “the first floor _down the chimney_!” + while the Hostess, whose demeanour perfectly accorded with that of +the well-manner'd gentlewoman, politely interfered, and, shewing the +parlour, sent a domestic to acquaint her lodger that he was wanted below +stairs. + +The summons was instantaneously obeyed; but as the parlour precluded the +opportunity of private conversation, being partly occupied by clamorous +butchers, with whom this street abounds to redundancy, the Poet had no +other alternative than that of inviting the respectable visitants to +his attic, or, as the Landlord facetiously named the lofty domicile, his +first floor down the chimney! + +Real Life in London must be seen, to be believed. The Hon. Tom Dashall +and his friend Tallyho were reared in the lap of luxury, and never +until now formed an adequate conception of the distressing privations +attendant on suffering humanity. + +With a dejection of spirits evidently occasioned by the humiliating +necessity of ushering his polished friends into the wretched asylum of +penury, the Poet led the way with tardy reluctancy, while his visitors +regretted every step of ascent, under the appalling circumstance of +giving pain to adversity; yet they felt that to recede would be more +indelicate than to advance. + +The apartment which they now entered seemed a lumber room, for the +reception of superfluous or unserviceable furniture, containing not +fewer than eleven decayed and mutilated chairs of varied description; +and the limited space, to make the most of it in a pecuniary point of +view, ~346~~ was encroached upon by three uncurtained beds, of most +impoverished appearance,--while, exhibiting the ravages of time in +divers fractures, the dingy walls and ceiling, retouched by the trowel +in many places with a lighter shade of repairing material, bore no unapt +resemblance to the Pye-bald Horse in Chiswell-street! Calculating on its +utility and probable future use, the builder of the mansion had given +to this room the appendage of a chimney, but evidently it had for many +years been unconscious of its usual accompaniment, fire. Two windows had +originally admitted the light of heaven, but to reduce the duty, one +was internally blocked up, while externally uniformity was preserved. A +demolished pane of glass in the remaining window, close to which stood +a small dilapidated table, gave ingress to a current of air; the +convenient household article denominated a clothes-horse, stood against +the wall; and several parallel lines of cord were stretched across the +room, on which to hang wet linen, a garret being considered of free +access to all the house, and the comfort or health of its occupant held +in utter derision and contempt! + +Here then,-- + + “In the worst Inn's worst room, with cobwebs hung, + The walls of plaster and the floors of dung,” + +entered Dashall and his Cousin Tallyho. The latter familiarly seating +himself on the ricketty remains of what had once been an arm-chair, but +now a cripple, having lost one of its legs, the precarious equilibrium +gave way under the unaccustomed shock of the contact, and the 'Squire +came to the ground, to his no small surprise, the confusion of the poet, +and amusement of Dashall! + +With many apologies for the awkwardness of their very humble +accommodation, and grateful expression of thanks for the honour +conferred upon him, the Poet replaced Tallyho in a firmer seat, and a +silence of some few moments ensued, the two friends being at a loss in +what manner to explain, and the Poet unwilling to inquire the object of +their visit. + +Dashall began at last, by observing that in pursuit of the knowledge of +Real Life in London, he and his accompanying friend had met with many +incidents both ludicrous and interesting; but that in the present +instance their visit was rather influenced by sympathy than ~347~~ +curiosity, and that where they could be serviceable to the interest of +merit in obscurity, they always should be happy in the exercise of a +duty so perfectly congenial with their feelings. + +Many years had elapsed since the person, to whom these remarks were +addressed, had heard the voice of consolation, and its effect was +instantaneous; his usual sombre cast of countenance became brightened by +the glow of cheerful animation, and he even dwelt on the subject of his +unfortunate circumstances with jocularity: + +“The elevated proximity of a garret,” he observed, “to the sublimer +regions, has often been resorted to as the _roost of genius_; and why +should I, of the most slender, if any, literary pretensions, complain? +And yet my writings, scattered amongst the various fugitive periodical +publications of this and our sister island, if collected together, would +form a very voluminous compilation.” + +“I have always understood,” said Bob, “that the quality, not the +quantum, constituted the fame of an author's productions.” + +“True, Sir,” answered the Poet; “and I meant not the vanity of +arrogating to myself any merit from my writings, with reference either +to quantum or quality. I alluded to the former, as merely proving the +inefficacy of mental labour in realizing the necessaries of life to an +author whom celebrity declines acknowledging. Similarly situated, it +would appear was the Dutchman mentioned by the late Doctor Walcot, + + “My Broder is te poet, look, + As all te world must please, + For he heb wrote, py Got, a book + So big as all this cheese!” + +“On the other hand, Collins, Hammond, and Gray, wrote each of them but +little, yet their names will descend to posterity!--And had Gray, of his +poems the _Bard_, and the _Elegy in a Country Church Yard_, written +only one, and written nothing else, he had required no other or better +passport to immortality!”{1} + + 1 Of that great and multitudinous writer, Doctor Samuel + Johnson, the following anecdote is told: “Being one morning + in the library at Buckingham House honoured with the + presence of Royalty, the King, his late Majesty, inquired + why he, (Mr. Johnson) did not continue to write. “May it + please your Majesty,” answered the Doctor, “I think I have + written enough.”--“I should have thought so too,” his + Majesty replied, “if, Doctor Johnson, you had not written so + well.” + +~348~~ In this opinion the visitants, who were both well conversant with +our native literature, readily acquiesced. + +“Have you never,” asked Dashall, “thought of publishing a volume by +subscription?” + +“I meditated such intention,” answered the Poet, “not long ago; drew +up the necessary Prospectus, with a specimen of the Poetry, and +perambulated the Metropolis in search of patronage. In some few +instances I was successful, and, though limited the number, yet the high +respectability of my few Subscribers gave me inexpressible satisfaction; +several of our nobility honoured me with their names, and others, my +patrons, were of the very first class of literature. Nevertheless, +I encountered much contumelious reception; and after an irksome +and unavailing perseverance of a month's continuance, I was at last +compelled to relinquish all hope of success. + +“Having then on my list the name of a very worthy Alderman who lately +filled the Civic Chair with honour to himself and advantage to his +fellow-citizens, I submitted my prospectus in an evil hour to another +Alderman, a baronet, of this here and that there notoriety! + +“Waiting in his Banking-house the result of my application, he +condescended to stalk forth from the holy of holies, his inner room, +with the lofty demeanour of conscious importance, when, in the presence +of his Clerks and others, doubtless to their great edification and +amusement, the following colloquy ensued, bearing in his hand my unlucky +Prospectus, with a respectful epistle which had accompanied it:-- + +“Are you the writer,” he asked in a majesterial tone, “of this here +letter?” + +“I am, Sir W*****m, unfortunately!” + +“Then,” he continued, “you may take them there papers back again, I have +no time to read Prospectuses, and so Mister Poet my compliments, and +good morning to you!!!” + +“These literally were his words; and such was the astounding effect they +produced on my mind, that, although I had meant to have passed through +the Royal Exchange, I yet, in the depth of my reverie, wandered I knew +not where, and, before recovering my recollection, found myself in the +centre of London Bridge!” + +~349~~ The detail of this fact, so characteristic of rude, ungentlemanly +manners, and the barbarian ignorance of this great man of little soul, +excited against him, with Dashall and his friend, a mingled feeling of +ridicule, contempt and reprobation! + +“Real Life in London still!” exclaimed Talltho; “intellect and indigence +in a garret, and wealth and ignorance in a banking-house!--I would +at least have given him, in deficiency of other means, the wholesome +castigation of reproof.” + +“I did,” said the Poet, “stung to the quick by such unmerited contumely, +I retired to my attic, and produced a philippic named the Recantation: +I cannot accommodate you at present with a copy of the Poem, but the +concluding stanzas I can repeat from memory:-- + + “C****s, thy house in Lombard Street + Affords thee still employment meet, + Thy consequence retaining; + For there thy Partners and thy Clerks + Must listen to thy sage remarks, + Subservient, uncomplaining. + + And rob'd in Aldermanic gown, + With look and language all thy own, + Thou mak'st thy hearers stare, + When this here cause, so wisely tried, + Thou put'st with self-applause aside, + To wisely try that there. + + Nor can thy brother Cits forget + When thou at civic banquet sate, + And ask'd of Heaven a boon, + A toast is call'd, on thee all eyes + Intent, when peals of laughter rise-- + A speedy peace and soon! + + Nor yet orthography nor grammar, + Vain effort on thy pate to hammer, + Impregnable that fort is! + Witness thy toast again,--Three Cs; + For who would think that thou by these + Meant Cox, and King, and Curtis + C****s, though scant thy sense, yet Heaven + To thee the better boon hast given + Or wealth--then sense despise, + And deem not Fate's decrees amiss, + For still “where ignorance is bliss + 'Tis folly to be wise!” + +~350~~ “Bravo!” exclaimed Dashall; “re-issue your Prospectus, my friend, +and we will accelerate, with our best interest and influence, the +publication of your volume. Let it be dedicated to the Hon. Tom Dashall +and his Cousin Bob Tallyho. In the meanwhile, accept this trifle, as a +complimentary _douceur_ uniformly given on such occasions; and, amidst +the varied scenes of Real Life in London, I shall frequently recur to +the present as the most gratifying to my feelings.” + + “By this the sun was out of sight, + And darker gloamin brought the night.” + +The benevolent associates now departed, pleased with the occurrences of +the day, and, more than all, with the last, wherein the opportunity +was afforded them of extending consolation and relief to genius in +adversity!~351~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + ........“Mark! + He who would cut the knot that does entwine + And link two loving hearts in unison, + May have man's form; but at his birth, be sure on't, + Some devil thrust sweet nature's hand aside + Ere she had pour'd her balm within his breast, + To warm his gross and earthly mould with pity. + + .......I know what 'tis + When worldly knaves step in with silver beards, + To poison bliss, and pluck young souls asunder.” + +TOM and his Cousin were surprised the next morning by a visit from +Mr. Mortimer and his friend Merrywell, whose dismal features and long +visages plainly indicated some unpleasant disaster, and Tom began to +fear blame would be attached to them for leaving his party at Darkhouse +Lane. + +“Pray,” said Merrywell, “can you tell me where to find your friend +Sparkle?” + +“Indeed,” replied Dashall, a little relieved by this question, “I am not +Sparkle's keeper; but pray be seated--what is the matter, is it a duel, +do you want a second?--I know he is a good shot.” + +“This levity, Sir,” said Mortimer, “is not to be borne. The honour of a +respectable family is at stake, and must be satisfied. No doubt you, +as his very oldest friend, know where he is; and I desire you will +immediately inform me, or------” + +“Sir,” said Dashall, who was as averse as unused to be desired by any +person--“do you know whom you address, and that I am in my own house? +if you do, you have certainly discarded all propriety of conduct and +language before you cross'd the threshold.” + +“Gentlemen,” said Merrywell, “perhaps some explanation is really +necessary here. My friend Mortimer speaks under agonized feelings, +for which, I am sure, your good sense will make every allowance. Miss +Mortimer------” + +“Miss Mortimer,” exclaimed Dashall, rising from his ~352~~ seat, “you +interest me strongly, say, what of Miss Mortimer?” + +“Alas,” said Mortimer, evidently endeavouring to suppress emotions which +appeared to agitate his whole frame, and absorb every mental faculty, +“we are unable to account for her absence, and strongly suspect she is +in company with your friend Sparkle--can you give us any information +relative to either of them?” + +Dashall assured them he knew nothing of the fugitives, but that he +would certainly make every inquiry in his power, if possible to find +out Sparkle. Upon which they departed, though not without hinting they +expected Tom had the power of making a search more effectually than +either Mortimer or Merrywell. + +“Egad!” said Tom to Tallyho, “this absence of Sparkle means something +more than I can at present conceive; and it appears that we must +now venture forth in search of our guide. I hope he has taken a good +direction himself.” + +“Mortimer appears hurt,” continued Bob, “and I can scarcely wonder at +it.” + +“It is a trifle in high life now-a-days,” replied Dashall, “and my life +for it we shall obtain some clue to his mode of operation before the +day is out. Love is a species of madness, and oftentimes induces +extraordinary movements. I have discovered its existence in his breast +for some time past, and if he is really with the lady, I wonder myself +that he has not given some sort of intimation; though I know he is very +cautious in laying his plans, and very tenacious of admitting too many +persons to know his intentions, for fear of some indiscreet friend +unintentionally frustrating his designs.” + +“I apprehend we shall have a wild-goose chase of it,” rejoined Bob. + +“It serves however,” continued Tom, “to diversify our peregrinations; +and if it is his pleasure to be in love, we will endeavour to chase +pleasure in pursuit of the Lover, and if guided by honourable motives, +which I cannot doubt, we will wish him all the success he can wish +himself, only regretting that we are deprived of his agreeable company. + + “Still free as air the active mind will rove, + And search out proper objects for its love; + But that once fix'd, 'tis past the pow'r of art + To chase the dear idea from the heart. + 'Tis liberty of choice that sweetens life, + Makes the glad husband and the happy wife.” + +~353~~ “But come, let us forth and see how the land lies; many persons +obtain all their notoriety from an elopement; it makes a noise in the +world, and even though frequently announced in our newspapers under +fictitious titles, the parties soon become known and are recollected +ever after; and some even acquire fame by the insertion of a paragraph +announcing an elopement, in which they insinuate that themselves are +parties; so that an elopement in high life may be considered as one of +the sure roads to popularity.” + +“But not always a safe one,” replied Bob. + +“Life is full of casualties,” rejoined Dashall, “and you are by +this time fully aware that it requires something almost beyond human +foresight to continue in the line of safety, while you are in pursuit of +Real Life in London. Though it may fairly be said, 'That all the world's +a stage, and all the men and women merely passengers,' still they have +their inside and their outside places, and each man in his time meets +with strange adventures. It may also very properly be termed a Camera +Obscura, reflecting not merely trees, sign-posts, houses, &c. but +the human heart in all its folds, its feelings, its passions, and its +motives. In it you may perceive conceit flirting its fan--arrogance +adjusting its cravat--pedantry perverting its dictionary--vacuity +humming a tune--vanity humming his neighbour--cunning shutting his eyes +while listening to a pedagogue--and credulity opening his eyes and ears, +willing and anxious to be deceived and duped.” + +“It is a strange world, indeed,” said Tallyho; “and of all that I have +ever heard or seen, this London of your's is the most extraordinary +part.” + +“Yes,-- + + “This world is a well-cover'd table, + Where guests are promiscuously set; + We all eat as long as we're able, + And scramble for what we can get--” + +answered his Cousin; “in fact, it is like every thing, and at the same +time like nothing--~354~~ + + “The world is all nonsense and noise, + Fantoccini, or Ombres Chinoises, + Mere pantomime mummery + Puppet-show flummery; + A magical lantern, confounding the sight; + + Like players or puppets, we move + On the wires of ambition and love; + Poets write wittily, + Maidens look prettily, + 'Till death drops the curtain + --all's over--good night!” + +By this time they were at Long's, where, upon inquiry, all trace of +Sparkle had been lost for two days. All was mystery and surprise, not so +much that he should be absent, as that his servant could give no account +of him, which was rather extraordinary. Tom ascertained, however, that +no suspicion appeared to have been excited as to Miss Mortimer, and, +with commendable discretion, avoided expressing a word which could +create such an idea, merely observing, that most likely he had taken an +unexpected trip into the country, and would be heard of before the day +was out. + +On leaving Long's however they were met again by Mortimer in breathless +anxiety, evidently labouring under some new calamity. + +“I am glad I have found you,” said he, addressing himself to Dashall; +“for I am left in this d------d wilderness of a place without a friend +to speak to.” + +“How,” inquired Ton, “what the d------l is the matter with you?” + +“Why, you must know that Merry well is gone--” + +“Gone--where to?” + +“To--to--zounds, I've forgot the name of the people; but two genteel +looking fellows just now very genteely told him he was wanted, and must +come.” + +“Indeed!” + +“Yes, and he told me to find you out, and let you know that he must +become a bencher; and, without more todo, walked away with his new +friends, leaving me forlorn enough. My Sister run away, my Uncle run +after her--Sparkle absent, and Merrywell--” + +“In the hands of the Nab-men--I see it all clear enough; and you have +given a very concise, but comprehensive picture of your own situation; +but don't despair, man, you will yet find all right, be assured; put +yourself under my guidance, let the world wag as it will; it is useless +to torment yourself with things you cannot prevent or cure. + +“The right end of life is to live and be jolly.” + +~355~~ Mortimer scarcely knew how to relish this advice, and seemed to +doubt within himself whether it was meant satirically or feelingly, till +Dashall whispered in his ear a caution not to betray the circumstances +that had transpired, for his Sister's sake. “But,” continued he, “I +never suffer these things, which are by no means uncommon in London, +to interfere with my pursuits, though we are all somewhat at a loss. +However, as the post is in by this time, some news may be expected, and +we will call at home before we proceed any further.--Where do you think +the Colonel is gone to?” + +“Heaven only knows,” replied Mortimer; “the whole family is in an uproar +of surmise and alarm,--what may be the end of it I know not.” + +“A pretty breeze Master Sparkle has kick'd up, indeed,” continued Tom; +“but I have for some time noticed an alteration in him. He always was +a gay trump, and whenever I find him seriously inclined, I suspect +some mischief brewing; for rapid transitions always wear portentous +appearances, and your serious files are generally sly dogs. My life +for it they have stolen a march upon your Uncle, queered some country +Parson, and are by this time snugly stowed away in the harbour of +matrimony. As for Merrywell, I dare be sworn his friends will take care +of him.” + +Expectation was on tiptoe as Dashall broke the seal of a letter that +was handed to him on arrival at home. Mortimer was on the fidget, and +Tallyho straining his neck upon the full stretch of anxiety to hear +the news, when Dashall burst into a laugh, but in which neither of the +others could join in consequence of not knowing the cause of it. In a +few minutes however the mystery was in some degree explained. + +“Here,” said Tom, “is news--extraordinary news--an official dispatch +from head-quarters, but without any information as to where the tents +are pitched. It is but a short epistle.” He then read aloud, + +“Dear Dashall, + +“Please inform the Mortimer family and friends that all's well. + +Your's truly, + +C. Sparkle.” + + +Then handing the laconic epistle to Mortimer--“I trust,” said he, “you +will now be a little more at ease.” + +~356~~ Mortimer eagerly examined the letter for the postmark, but was +not able to make out from whence it came. + +“I confess,” said he, “I am better satisfied than I was, but am yet at +a loss to judge of the motives which have induced them to pursue so +strange a course.” + +“The motive,” cried Tom, “that may be easily explained; and I doubt +not but you will find, although it may at present appear a little +mysterious, Sparkle will be fully able to shew cause and produce effect. +He is however a man of honour and of property, and most likely we may by +this time congratulate you upon the change of your Sister's name. What +a blaze it will make, and she will now most certainly become a sparkling +subject. Hang it, man, don't look so dull upon a bright occasion. + + “To prove pleasure but pain, some have hit on a project, + We're duller the merrier we grow, + Exactly the same unaccountable logic + That talks of cold fire and warm snow. + + For me, born by nature + For humour and satire, + I sing and I roar and I quaff; + Each muscle I twist it, + I cannot resist it, + A finger held up makes me laugh. + + For since pleasure's joy's parent, and joy begets mirth, + Should the subtlest casuist or sophist on earth + Contradict me, I'd call him an ass and a calf, + And boldly insist once for all, + That the only criterion of pleasure's to laugh, + And sing tol de rol, loi de rol lol.” + +This mirth of Dash all's did not seem to be in consonance with the +feelings of Mortimer, who hastily took his departure. + +“Come,” said Tom to his Cousin, “having gained some information +respecting one friend, we will now take a stroll through Temple Bar, and +have a peep at Merrywell; he may perhaps want assistance in his present +situation, though I will answer for it he is in a place of perfect +security.” + +“How,” said Bob--“what do you mean?” + +“Mean, why the traps have nibbled him. He is arrested, and gone to a +lock-up shop, a place of mere accommodation for gentlemen to take up +their abode, for the purpose of ~357~~ arranging their affairs, and +where they can uninterruptedly make up their minds whether to give +bail, put in appearance and defend the suit, or take a trip to Abbott's +Priory; become a three months' student in the college of art, and +undergo the fashionable ceremony of white-washing.” + +“I begin to understand you now,” said Bob, “and the only difference +between our two friends is, that one has willingly put on a chain for +life--” + +“And the other may in all probability (continued Tom,) have to chaff his +time away with a chum--perhaps not quite so agreeable, though it really +is possible to be very comfortable, if a man can reconcile himself to +the loss of liberty, even in “durance vile.” + +By this time they were walking leisurely along Piccadilly, + + “And marching without any cumbersome load, + They mark'd every singular sight on the road.” + +“Who is that meagre looking man and waddling woman, who just passed us?” + inquired Tallyho. + +“An old Bencher,” was the reply; “there you see all that is left of a +man of _haut ton_, one who has moved in the highest circles; but alas! +bad company and bad play have reduced him to what he now is. He has cut +up and turn'd down very well among the usurers and attornies; but it is +impossible to say of him, as of his sirloin of a wife (for she cannot be +called a rib, or at all events a spare rib) that there is any thing like +cut and come again. The poor worn-out Exquisite tack'd himself to his +Lady, to enable him to wipe out a long score, and she determined on +taking him for better for worse, after a little rural felicity in a walk +to have her fortune told by a gipsy at Norwood. He is now crippled in +pocket and person, and wholly dependent upon bounty for the chance of +prolonging a miserable existence. His game is up. But what is life but a +game, at which every one is willing to play? one wins and another loses: +why there have been as many moves among titled persons, Kings, Queens, +Bishops, Lords and Knights, within the last century, as there are in a +game at chess. Pawns have been taken and restored in all classes, +from the Sovereign, who pawns or loses his crown, to the Lady whose +reputation is in pawn, and becomes at last not worth half a crown. +Shuffling, cutting, dealing out and ~358~~ dealing in, double dealing +and double faces, have long been the order of the day. Some men's cards +are all trumps, whilst others have _carte blanche_; some honours count, +whilst others stand for nothing. For instance, did not the little man +who cast up his final accounts a short time back at St. Helena, like a +Corsican conjurer, shuffle and cut about among kings and queens, knaves +and asses, (aces I mean) dealing out honours when he liked, and taking +trumps as he thought fit?--did he not deal and take up again almost as +he pleased, having generally an honour in his sleeve to be played at +command, or _un roi dans le marche_; by which cheating, it was scarcely +possible for any one to get fair play with him, till, flushed by +success, and not knowing how to bear his prosperity, he played too +desperately and too long? The tables were turned upon him, and his +enemies cheated him, first of his liberty, and ultimately of his life.” + +At this moment Tallyho, who was listening in close attention to his +Cousin, struck his foot against a brown paper parcel which rolled before +him.--“Hallo!” exclaimed he, “what have we here?--somebody has dropped a +prize.” + +“It is mine, Sir,” said an old woman, dropping them a curtsey with a +smile which shone through her features, though thickly begrimed with +snuff. + +“A bite,” said Tom. + +“I dropp'd it from my pocket, Sir, just now.” + +“And pray,” inquired Tom, “what does it contain?” picking it up. + +“Snuff, Sir,” was the reply; “a kind, good-hearted Gentleman gave it to +me--God bless him, and bless your Honour too!” with an additional smile, +and a still lower curtsey. + +Upon examining the paper, which had been broken by the kick, Tom +perceived, that by some magic or other, the old woman's snuff had become +sugar. + +“Zounds!” said he, “they have played some trick upon you, and given you +brimstone instead of snuff, or else you are throwing dust in our eyes.” + +The parcel, which contained a sample of sugar, was carefully rolled up +again and tied, then dropped to be found by any body else who chose to +stoop for it. + +“This,” said Dashall, “does not turn out to be what I first expected; +for the practices of ring and money ~359~~ dropping{1} have, at various +times, been carried on with great success, and to the serious injury +of the unsuspecting. The persons who generally apply themselves to this +species of cheating are no other than gamblers who ingeniously contrive, +by dropping a purse or a ring, to draw in some customer with a view to +induce him to play; and notwithstanding their arts have frequently been +exposed, we every now and then hear of some flat being done by these +sharps, and indeed there are constantly customers in London to be had +one way or another.” + +“Then you had an idea that that parcel was a bait of this kind,” + rejoined Bob. + +“I did,” replied his Cousin; “but it appears to be a legitimate letter +from some industrious mechanic to his friend, and is a curious specimen +of epistolary correspondence; and you perceive there was a person ready +to claim it, which conspired rather to confirm my suspicions, being a +little in the style of the gentry I have alluded to. They vary their +mode of proceeding according to situation and circumstance. Your +money-dropper contrives to find his own property, as if by chance. +He picks up the purse with an exclamation of 'Hallo! what have we +here?--Zounds! if here is not a prize--I'm in rare luck to-day--Ha, +ha, ha, let's have a peep at it--it feels heavy, and no doubt is worth +having.' While he is examining its contents, up comes his confederate, +who claims a share on account of having been present at the finding. +'Nay, nay,' replies the finder, 'you are not in it. This Gentleman is +the only person that was near me--was not you, Sir? 'By this means the +novice is induced to assent, or perhaps assert his prior claim. The +finder declares, + + 1 The practice of ring-dropping is not wholly confined to + London, as the following paragraph from the Glasgow Courier, + a very short time ago, will sufficiently prove:--'On Monday + afternoon, when three Highland women, who had been employed + at a distance from home in the harvest, were returning to + their habitations, they were accosted by a fellow who had + walked out a short way with them, 'till he picked up a pair + of ear-rings and a key for a watch. The fellow politely + informed the females that they should have half the value of + the articles, as they were in his company when they were + found. While they were examining them, another fellow came + up, who declared at once they were gold, and worth at least + thirty shillings. After some conversation, the women were + induced to give fifteen shillings for the articles, and came + and offered them to a watch-maker for sale, when they + learned to their mortification that they were not worth + eighteen pence!' + +~360~~ that sooner than have any dispute about it, he will divide the +contents in three parts; recommends an adjournment to a public-house in +the neighbourhood, to wet the business and drink over their good luck. +This being consented to, the leading points are accomplished. The +purse of course is found to contain counterfeit money--Flash-screens or +Fleet-notes,{1} and the division cannot well be made without change can +be procured. Now comes the touch-stone. The Countryman, for such they +generally contrive to inveigle, is perhaps in cash, having sold his hay, +or his cattle, tells them he can give change; which being understood, +the draught-board, cards, or la bagatelle, are introduced, and as the +job is a good one, they can afford to sport some of their newly-acquired +wealth in this way. They drink and play, and fill their grog again. The +Countryman bets; if he loses, he is called upon to pay; if he wins, 'tis +added to what is coming to him out of the purse. + +“If, after an experiment or two, they find he has but little money, or +fight shy, they bolt, that is, brush off in quick time, leaving him to +answer for the reckoning. But if he is what they term well-breeched, +and full of cash, they stick to him until he is cleaned out,{2} make him +drunk, and, if he turns restive, they mill him. If he should be an +easy cove,{3} he perhaps give them change for their flash notes, or +counterfeit coin, and they leave him as soon as possible, highly pleased +with his fancied success, while they laugh in their sleeves at the dupe +of their artifice.” + +“And is it possible?” inquired Tallyho-- + + “Can such things be, and overcome us + Like a summer's cloud?” + +“Not without our special wonder,” continued Dashall; “but such things +have been practised. Then again, your ring-droppers, or practisers of +the fawney rig, are more cunning in their manoeuvres to turn their wares +into the ready blunt.{4} The pretending to find a ring being one of the +meanest and least profitable exercises of their ingenuity, it forms a +part of their art to find articles of much more + + 1 Flash-screens or Fleet-notes--Forged notes. + + 2 Cleaned out--Having lost all your money. + + 3 Easy cove--One whom there is no difficulty in gulling. + + 4 Ready blunt--Cash in hand. + +~361~~ value, such as rich jewelry, broaches, ear-rings, necklaces set +with diamonds, pearls, &c. sometimes made into a paper parcel, at others +in a small neat red morocco case, in which is stuck a bill of parcels, +giving a high-flown description of the articles, and with an extravagant +price. Proceeding nearly in the same way as the money-droppers with the +dupe, the finder proposes, as he is rather short of _steeven_,{1} to +_swap_{2}his share for a comparatively small part of the value stated in +the bill of parcels: and if he succeeds in obtaining one-tenth of that +amount in hard cash, his triumph is complete; for, upon examination, the +diamonds turn out to be nothing but paste--the pearls, fishes' eyes--and +the gold is merely polished brass gilt, and altogether of no value. +But this cannot be discovered beforehand, because the _bilk_{3} is in a +hurry, can't spare time to go to a shop to have the articles valued, +but assures his intended victim, that, as they found together, he should +like to _smack the bit_,{4 }without _blowing the gap_,{5} and so help +him G--d, the thing wants no _buttering up_,{6} because he is willing to +give his share for such a trifle.” + + 1 Steeven--A flash term for money. + + 2 Swap--To make an exchange, to barter one article for + another. + + 3 A swindler or cheat. + + 4 Smack the bit--To share the booty. + + 5 Blowing the gap--Making any thing known. + + 6 Buttering up--Praising or flattering. + +This conversation was suddenly interrupted by a violent crash just +behind them, as they passed Drury Lane Theatre in their way through +Bussel Court; and Bob, upon turning to ascertain from whence such +portentous sounds proceeded, discovered that he had brought all the +Potentates of the Holy Alliance to his feet. The Alexanders, the +Caesars, the Buonapartes, Shakespeares, Addisons and Popes, lay strewed +upon the pavement, in one undistinguished heap, while a poor Italian lad +with tears in his eyes gazed with indescribable anxiety on the shapeless +ruin--' Vat shall me do?--dat man knock him down--all brokt--you +pay--Oh! mine Godt, vat shall do! ' This appeal was made to Dashall and +Tallyho, the latter of whom the poor Italian seemed to fix upon as the +author of his misfortune in upsetting his board of plaster images; and +although he was perfectly unconscious of the accident, the appeal of the +vender of great personages had its desired effect upon them both; and +~362~~ finding themselves quickly surrounded by spectators, they gave +him some silver, and then pursued their way. + +“These men,” said Dashall, “are generally an industrious and hard-living +people; they walk many miles in the course of a day to find sale for +their images, which they will rather sell at any price than carry back +with them at night; and it is really wonderful how they can make a +living by their traffic.” + +“Ha, ha, ha,” said a coarse spoken fellow following--“how the Jarman +Duck diddled the Dandies just now--did you twig how he queered the coves +out of seven bob for what was not worth _thrums._{1} The _Yelper_{2} +did his duty well, and finger'd the _white wool_{3} in good style. I'm +d------d if he was not up to slum, and he whiddied their wattles with +the velvet, and floored the town toddlers easy enough.” + +“How do you mean?” said his companion. + +“Why you know that foreign blade is an ould tyke about this quarter, and +makes a good deal of money--many a _twelver_{4} does he get by buying +up broken images of persons who sell them by wholesale, and he of course +gets them for little or nothing: then what does he do but dresses out +his board, to give them the best appearance he can, and toddles into +the streets, _touting_{5} for a good customer. The first genteel bit of +flash he meets that he thinks will dub up the possibles,{6} he dashes +down the board, breaks all the broken heads, and appeals in a pitiful +way for remuneration for his loss; so that nine times out of ten he gets +some Johnny-raw or other to stump up the rubbish.” + +“Zounds!” said Dashall, “these fellows are smoking us; and, in the midst +of my instructions to guard you against the abuses of the Metropolis, we +have ourselves become the dupes of an impostor.” + + 1 Thrums--A flash term for threepence. + + 2 The Yelper--A common term given to a poor fellow subject, + who makes very pitiful lamentations on the most trifling + accidents. + + 3 White wool--Silver. + + 4 Twelver--A shilling. + + 5 Touting--Is to be upon the sharp look out. + + 6 To dub up the possibles--To stand the nonsense--are nearly + synonimous, and mean--will pay up any demand rather than be + detained. + +~363~~ “Well,” said Tallyho, “it is no more than a practical +illustration of your own observation, that it is scarcely possible for +any person to be at all times secure from the arts and contrivances of +your ingenious friends the Londoners; though I confess I was little in +expectation of finding you, as an old practitioner, so easily let in.” + +“It is not much to be wondered at,” continued Tom, “for here we are in +the midst of the very persons whose occupations, if such they may be +termed, ought most to be avoided; for Covent Garden, and Drury Lane, +with their neighbourhoods, are at all times infested with swindlers, +sharpers, whores, thieves, and depredators of all descriptions, for ever +on the look out. It is not long since a man was thrown from a two-pair +of stairs window in Charles Street,{1} which is just by, having been +decoyed into a house of ill fame by a Cyprian, and this in a situation +within sight of the very Police Office itself in Bow Street!” + +“Huzza! ha, ha, ha, there he goes,” vociferated by a variety of voices, +now called their attention, and put an end to their conversation; and +the appearance of a large concourse of people running up Drury Lane, +engrossed their notice as they approached the other end of Russel Court. + +On coming up with the crowd, they found the cause of the vast assemblage +of persons to be no other than a Quaker{2} decorated with a tri-coloured +cockade, who was + + 1 A circumstance of a truly alarming and distressing nature, + to which Dashall alluded in this place, was recently made + known to the public in the daily journals, and which should + serve as a lesson to similar adventurers. + + It appeared that a young man had been induced to enter a + house of ill fame in Charles Street, Covent Garden, by one + of its cyprian inmates, to whom he gave some money in order + for her to provide them with supper; that, upon her return, + he desired to have the difference between what he had given + and what she had expended returned to him, which being + peremptorily refused, he determined to leave the house. On + descending the stair-case for which purpose, he was met by + some men, with whom he had a violent struggle to escape; + they beat and bruised him most unmercifully, and afterwards + threw him from a two-pair of stairs window into the street, + where he was found by the Watchman with his skull fractured, + and in a state of insensibility. We believe all attempts + have hitherto proved fruitless to bring the actual + perpetrator or perpetrators of this diabolical deed to + punishment. + + 2 Bow-street.--Thursday morning an eccentric personage, who + has for some time been seen about the streets of the + Metropolis in the habit of a Quaker, and wearing the tri- + coloured cockade in his broad white hat, made his appearance + at the door of this office, and presenting a large packet to + one of the officers, desired him, in a tone of authority, to + lay it instantly before the Magistrate. The Magistrate (G. + R. Minshull, Esq.) having perused this singular paper, + inquired for the person who brought it; and in the next + moment a young man, in the garb of a Quaker, with a broad- + brimmed, peaceful-looking, drab-coloured beaver on his + head, surmounted by a furious tri-coloured cockade, was + brought before him. This strange anomalous ' personage + having placed himself very carefully directly in front of + the bench, smiled complacently upon his Worship, and the + following laconic colloquy ensued forthwith:-- + + Magistrate--Did you bring this letter? + + Quaker--Thou hast said it. + + Magistrate---What is your object in bringing it? + + Quaker--Merely to let thee know what is going on in the + world--and, moreover, being informed that if I came to thy + office, I should be taken into custody, I was desiroiis to + ascertain whether that information was true. + + Magistrate--Then I certainly shall not gratify you by + ordering you into custody. + + Quaker--Thou wilt do as seemeth right in thy eyes. I assure + thee I have no inclination to occupy thy time longer than is + profitable to us, and therefore I will retire whenever thou + shalt signify that my stay is unpleasant to thee. + + Magistrate--Why do you wear your hat?--are you a Quaker? + + Quaker--Thou sayest it--but that is not my sole motive for + wearing it. To be plain with thee, I wear it because I chose + to do so. Canst thee tell me of any law which compels me + to take it off? + + Magistrate--I'll tell you what, friend, I would seriously + recommend you to retire from this place as speedily as + possible. + + Quaker--I take thy advice--farewell. + + Thus ended this comical conversation, and the eccentric + friend immediately departed in peace. + + The brother of the above person attended at the office on + Saturday, and stated that the Quaker is insane, that he was + proprietor of an extensive farm near Ryegate, in Surrey, for + some years; but that in May last his bodily health being + impaired, he was confined for some time, and on his recovery + it was found that his intellects were affected, and he was + put under restraint, but recovered. Some time since he + absconded from Ryegate, and his friends were unable to + discover him, until they saw the account of his eccen- + tricities in the newspapers. Mr. Squire was desirous, if he + made his appearance again at the office, he should be + detained. The Magistrate, as a cause for the detention of + the Quaker, swore the brother to these facts. About three + o'clock the Quaker walked up Bow-street, when an officer + conducted him to the presence of the Magistrate, who + detained him, and at seven o'clock delivered him into the + care of his brother. + +~365~~ very quietly walking with a Police Officer, and exhibiting a +caricature of himself mounted on a velocipede, and riding over +corruption, &c. It was soon ascertained that he had accepted an +invitation from one of the Magistrates of Bow Street to pay him a visit, +as he had done the day before, and was at that moment going before him. + +“I apprehend he is a little cracked,” said Tom; “but however that may +be, he is a very harmless sort of person. But come, we have other game +in view, and our way lies in a different direction to his.” + +“Clothes, Sir, any clothes to-day?” said an importunate young fellow at +the corner of one of the courts, who at the same time almost obstructed +their passage. + +Making their way as quickly as they could from this very pressing +personage, who invited them to walk in. + +“This,” said Tom, “is what we generally call a _Barker_. I believe the +title originated with the Brokers in Moor-fields, where men of this +description parade in the fronts of their employers' houses, incessantly +pressing the passengers to walk in and buy household furniture, as they +do clothes in Rosemary Lane, Seven Dials, Field Lane, Houndsditch, and +several other parts of the town. Ladies' dresses also used to be barked +in Cranbourn Alley and the neighbourhood of Leicester Fields; however, +the nuisance has latterly in some measure abated. The Shop-women in that +part content themselves now-a-days by merely inviting strangers to look +at their goods; but Barkers are still to be found, stationed at the +doors of Mock Auctions, who induce company to assemble, by bawling “Walk +in, the auction is now on,” or “Just going to begin.” Of these mock +auctions, there have been many opened of an evening, under the imposing +glare of brilliant gas lights, which throws an unusual degree of lustre +upon the articles put up for sale. It is not however very difficult to +distinguish them from the real ones, notwithstanding they assume all the +exterior appearances of genuineness, even up to advertisements in the +newspapers, purporting to be held in the house of a person lately gone +away under embarrassed circumstances, or deceased. They are denominated +Mock Auctions, because no real intention exists on the part of the +sellers to dispose of their articles under a certain price previously +fixed upon, which, although it may not be high, is invariably more than +they are actually worth: besides which, they may be easily discovered by +the anxiety they evince to show the goods to strangers at + +~366~~the moment they enter, never failing to bestow over-strained +panegyrics upon every lot they put up, and asking repeatedly--“What +shall we say for this article? a better cannot be produced;” and +promising, if not approved of when purchased, to change it. The +Auctioneer has a language suited to all companies, and, according to his +view of a customer, can occasionally jest, bully, or perplex him into +a purchase.--“The goods must be sold at what they will fetch;” and +he declares (notwithstanding among his confederates, who stand by as +bidders, they are run up beyond the real value, in order to catch a +flat,) that “the present bidding can never have paid the manufacturer +for his labour.” + +In such places, various articles of silver, plate, glass and household +furniture are exposed to sale, but generally made up of damaged +materials, and slight workmanship of little intrinsic value, for the +self-same purpose as the Razor-seller states-- + + “Friend, (cried the Razor-man) I'm no knave; + As for the razors you have bought, + Upon my soul! I never thought + That they would shave.” + + “Not shave!” quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes, + And voice not much unlike an Indian yell; + “What were they made for then, you dog?” he cries. + “Made! (quoth the fellow with a smile) to sell.” + +Passing the end of White Horse Yard--“Here,” continued Tom, “in this +yard and the various courts and alleys which lead into it, reside +numerous Girls in the very lowest state of prostitution; and it is +dangerous even in the day time to pass their habitations, at all +events very dangerous to enter any one of them. Do you see the crowd +of squalid, half-clad and half-starved creatures that surround the old +woman at the corner?--Observe, that young thing without a stocking is +stealing along with a bottle in one hand and a gown in the other; she is +going to put the latter _up the spout_{1} with her + + 1 Up the spout, or up the five--Are synonimous in their + import, and mean the act of pledging property with a + Pawnbroker for the loan of money--most probably derived from + the practice of having a long spout, which reaches from the + top of the house of the Pawn-broker (where the goods are + deposited for safety till redeemed or sold) to the shop, + where they are first received; through which a small bag is + dropped upon the ringing of a bell, which conveys the + tickets or duplicates to a person above stairs, who, upon + finding them, (unless too bulky) saves himself the trouble + and loss of time of coming down stairs, by more readily + conveying them down the spout. + +~367~~ accommodating _Uncle,_{1} in order to obtain a little of the +enlivening juice of the juniper to fill the former.” + + 1 Uncle, sometimes called the Ferrit, or the Flint--Cant + terms for Pawnbroker, though many of these gentlemen now + assume the more reputable appellation of Silversmiths. They + are willing to lend money upon all sorts of articles of + household furniture, linen, plate, wearing apparel, + jewellery, &c. with a certainty of making a very handsome + profit upon the money so circulated. + + There are in this Metropolis upwards of two hundred and + thirty Pawnbrokers, and in some cases they are a useful and + serviceable class of people; and although doubtless many of + them are honest and reputable persons, there are still among + them a class of sharpers and swindlers, who obtain licences + to carry on the business, and bring disgrace upon the + respectable part of the profession. Every species of fraud + which can add to the distresses of those who are compelled + to raise temporary supplies of money is resorted to, and for + which purpose there are abundance of opportunities. In many + instances however the utility of these persons, in + preventing a serious sacrifice of property, cannot be + denied; for, by advancing to tradesmen and mechanics + temporary loans upon articles of value at a period of + necessity, an opportunity of redeeming them is afforded, + when by their industrious exertions their circumstances are + improved. Many of them however are receivers of stolen + good.s, and, under cover of their licence, do much harm to + the public. Indeed, the very easy mode of raising money by + means of the Pawnbrokers, operates as an inducement, or at + least an encouragement, to every species of vice. The + fraudulent tradesman by their means is enabled to raise + money on the goods of his creditors, the servant to pledge + the property of his employer, and the idle or profligate + mechanic to deposit his working tools, or his work in an + unfinished state. Many persons in London are in the habit of + pawning their apparel from Monday morning till Saturday + night, when they are redeemed, in order to make a decent + appearance on the next day. In low neighbourhoods, and among + loose girls, much business is done by Pawnbrokers to good + advantage; and considerable emolument is derived from women + of the town. The articles they offer to pledge are generally + of the most costly nature, and the pilferings of the night + are usually placed in the hands of an Uncle the next + morning; and the wary money-lenders, fully acquainted with + their necessities, just lend what they please; by which + means they derive a wonderful profit, from the almost + certainty of these articles never being redeemed. + + The secresy with which a Pawnbroker's business is conducted, + though very proper for the protection of the honest and + well-meaning part of the population, to shield them from an + exposure which might perhaps prove fatal to their business or + credit, admits of great room for fraud on the part of the + Money-lender; more particularly as it respects the interest + allowed upon the pawns. Many persons are willing to pay any + charge made, rather than expose their necessities by + appearing before a Magistrate, and acknowledging they have + been concerned in such transactions. + + Persons who are in the constant habit of pawning are + generally known by the Pawnbrokers, in most instances + governed by their will, and compelled to take and pay just + what they please. Again, much injury arises from the want of + care in the Pawnbroker to require a proper account, from the + Pledgers, of the manner in which the goods offered have been + obtained, as duplicates are commonly given upon fictitious + names and residences. + + Notwithstanding the care and attention usually paid to the + examination of the articles received as pledges, these + gentlemen are sometimes to be duped by their customers. We + remember an instance of an elderly man, who was in the habit + of bringing a Dutch clock frequently to a Pawnbroker to + raise the wind, and for safety, generally left it in a large + canvass bag, till he became so regular a customer, that his + clock and bag were often left without inspection; and as it + was seldom deposited for long together, it was placed in + some handy nook of the shop in order to lie ready for + redemption. This system having been carried on for some + time, no suspicion was entertained of the old man. Upon one + occasion however the Pawnbroker's olfactory nerves were + saluted with a smell of a most unsavoury nature, for which + he could by no means account--day after day passed, and no + discovery was made, till at length he determined to overhaul + every article in his shop, and if possible discover the + source of a nuisance which appeared rather to increase than + abate: in doing which, to his utter astonishment, he found + the old man's Dutch clock trans-formed into a sheep's head, + enclosed in a small box similar in shape and size to that of + the clock. It will scarcely be necessary to add, that, being + in the heat of summer, the sheep's head when turned out was + in a putrid state, and as green as grass. The Pawn-broker + declared the old gentleman's works were out of repair, that + he himself was out of tune, and eventually pledged himself + never to be so taken in again. After all, however, it must + be acknowledged that my Uncle is a very accommodating man. + + “My Uncle's the man, I've oft said it before, + Who is ready and willing to open his door; + Tho' some on the question may harbour a doubt, + He's a mill to grind money, which I call a spout. + Derry down. + + He has three golden balls which hang over his door, + Which clearly denote that my Uncle's not poor; + He has money to lend, and he's always so kind, + He will lend it to such as leave something behind. + Derry down. + + If to music inclin'd, there's no man can so soon + Set the hooks of your gamut to excellent tune; + All his tickets are prizes most carefully book'd, + And your notes must be good, or you're presently hook'd. + Derry down. + + Shirts, shoes, and flat-irons, hats, towels, and ruffs, + To him are the same as rich satins or stuffs; + From the pillows you lay on, chairs, tables, or sacks, + He'll take all you have, to the togs on your backs. + Derry down. + + Then ye who are needy, repair to your friend, + Who is ready and willing your fortunes to mend; + He's a purse full of rhino, and that's quite enough, + Tho' short in his speech, he can shell out short stuff. + Derry down. + + What a blessing it is, in this place of renown + To know that we have such an Uncle in town; + In all cases, degrees, in all places and stations, + 'Tis a good thing to know we've such friendly relations. + Derry down. + +“Surely,” said Tallyho, “no person could possibly be inveigled by her +charms?” + +~369~~ “They are not very blooming just now,” answered his Cousin--“you +do not see her in a right light. It is impossible to contemplate +the cases of these poor creatures without dropping a tear of pity. +Originally seduced from a state of innocence, and eventually abandoned +by their seducers, as well as their well-disposed parents or friends, +they are left at an early age at large upon the world; loathed and +avoided by those who formerly held them in estimation, what are they to +do?--It is said by Shakespeare, that + +“Sin will pluck on sin.” + +They seem to have no alternative, but that of continuing in the practice +which they once too fatally begun, in which the major part of them end a +short life of debauchery and wretchedness. + +“Exposed to the rude insults of the inebriated and the vulgar--the +impositions of brutal officers and watchmen--to the chilling blasts of +the night during the most inclement weather, in thin apparel, partly in +compliance with the fashion of the day, but more frequently from the + +~370~~ Pawnbroker's shop rendering their necessary garments +inaccessible, diseases (where their unhappy vocation does not produce +them) are thus generated. + +“Many are the gradations from the highest degree of prostitution down +to the trulls that parade the streets by day, and one or two more +steps still include those who keep out all night. Some of the miserable +inhabitants of this quarter are night-birds, who seldom leave their beds +during the day, except to refresh themselves with a drop of Old Tom; but +as the evening approaches, their business commences, when you will see +them decked out like fine ladies, for there are _coves of cases_,{1} and +others in the vicinity of the Theatres, who live by letting out dresses +for the evening, where they may be accommodated from a camesa{2} to a +richly embroidered full-dress court suit, under the care of spies, who +are upon the look-out that they don't brush off with the stock. Others, +again, are boarded and lodged by the owners of houses of ill-fame, kept +as dirty and as ragged as beggars all day, but who, + +“Dress'd out at night, cut a figure.” + +It however not unfrequently happens to those unhappy Girls who have not +been successful in their pursuits, and do not bring home with them the +wages of their prostitution, that they are sent to bed without supper, +and sometimes get a good beating into the bargain; besides which, the +Mistress of the house takes care to search them immediately after they +are left by their gallants, by which means they are deprived of every +shilling.” + +Approaching the City, they espied a crowd of persons assembled together +round the door of Money the perfumer. Upon inquiring, a species of +depreciation was exposed, which had not yet come under their view. + +It appeared that a note, purporting to come from a gentleman at the +Tavistock Hotel, desiring Mr. Money to wait on him to take measure of +his cranium for a fashionable peruke, had drawn him from home, and that +during his absence, a lad, in breathless haste, as if dispatched by the +principal, entered the shop, stating that Sir. Money wanted a wig which +was in the window, with some combs and hair-brushes, for the Gentleman's +inspection, and also a pot of his Circassian cream. The bait took, the +articles + + 1 Coves of cases--Keepers of houses of ill fame. + + 2 Camesa--A shirt or shift. + +~371~~ were packed up, and the wily cheat had made good his retreat +before the return of the coiffeur, who was not pleased with being +seduced from his home by a hoaxing letter, and less satisfied to find +that his property was diminished in his absence by the successful +artifices of a designing villain. This tale having got wind in the +neighbourhood, persons were flocking round him to advise as to the mode +of pursuit, and many were entertaining each other by relations of a +similar nature; but our heroes having their friend Merrywell in view (or +rather his interest) made the best of their way to the Lock-up-house. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + “The world its trite opinion holds of those + That in a world apart these bars enclose; + And thus methinks some sage, whose wisdom frames + Old saws anew, complacently exclaims, + Debt is like death--it levels all degrees; + Their prey with death's fell grasp the bailiffs seize.” + +ON entering the Lock-up House, Bob felt a few uneasy sensations at +hearing the key turned. The leary Bum-trap ushered the Gemmen up stairs, +while Tallyho was endeavouring to compose his agitated spirits, and +reconcile himself to the prospect before him, which, at the moment, was +not of the most cheering nature. + +“What, my gay fellow,” said Merry well, “glad to see you--was just going +to scribble a line to inform you of my disaster. Zounds! you look as +melancholy as the first line of an humble petition, or the author of a +new piece the day after its damnation.” + +“In truth,” replied Bob, “this is no place to inspire a man with high +spirits.” + +“That's as it may be,” rejoined Merry well; “a man with money in his +pocket may see as much Real Life in London within these walls as those +who ramble at large through the mazes of what is termed liberty.” + +“But,” continued Tom, “it must be admitted that the views are more +limited.” + +“By no means,” was the reply. “Here a man is at perfect liberty to +contemplate and cogitate without fear of being agitated. Here he may +trace over past recollections, and enjoy future anticipations free from +the noise and bustle of crowded streets, or the fatigue of attending +fashionable routs, balls, and assemblies. Besides which, it forms so +important a part of Life in London, that few without a residence in +a place of this kind can imagine its utility. It invigorates genius, +concentrates ingenuity, and stimulates invention.” + +~373~~ “Hey dey!” said Tallyho, looking out of the window, and +perceiving a dashing tandem draw up to the door--“who have we here? some +high company, no doubt.” + +“Yes, you are right; that man in the great coat, who manages his cattle +with such dexterity, is no other than the king of the castle. He is +the major domo, or, in other words, the Bailiff himself. That short, +stout-looking man in boots and buckskins, is his assistant, vulgarly +called his Bum.{1} The other is a Gentleman desirous of lodging in +a genteel neighbourhood, and is recommended by them to take up his +residence here.” + +“What,” inquired Bob, “do Bailiffs drive gigs and tandems?” + +“To be sure they do,” was the reply; “formerly they were low-bred +fellows, who would undertake any dirty business for a maintenance, as +you will see them represented in the old prints and caricatures, muffled +up in Îreat coats, and carrying bludgeons; but, in present Real life, +you will find them quite the reverse, unless they find it necessary +to assume a disguise in order to nibble a queer cove who proves shy of +their company'; but among Gentlemen, none are so stylish, and at the +same time so accommodating--you are served with the process in a +private and elegant way, and if not convenient to come to an immediate +arrangement, a gig is ready in the highest taste, to convey you from +your habitation to your place of retirement, and you may pass through +the most crowded streets of the city, and recognise your friends, +without fear of suspicion. Upon some occasions, they will also carry +their politeness so far as to inform an individual he will be wanted +on such a day, and must come--a circumstance which has the effect of +preventing any person from knowing the period of departure, or the place +of destination; consequently, the arrested party is gone out of town for +a few days, and the matter all blows over without any injury sustained. +This is the third time since I have been in the house that the tandem +has started from the door, and returned with a new importation.” + +By this time, the gig having been discharged of its cargo, was +reascended by the Master and his man, and bowl'd off again in gay style +for the further accommodation of fashionable friends, whose society was +in such high + + 1 See Bum-trap), page 166. + +~374~~ estimation, that no excuse or denial could avail, and who being +so urgently wanted, must come. + +“'Tis a happy age we live in,” said Merry well; “the improvements are +evident enough; every thing is done with so much facility and gentility, +that even the race of bailiffs are transformed from frightful and +ferocious-looking persons to the most dashing, polite and accommodating +characters in the world. He however, like others, must have his +assistant, and occasional substitute. + +“A man in this happy era is really of no use whatever to himself. It +is a principle on which every body, that is any body, acts, that no one +should do any thing for himself, if he can procure another to do it for +him. Accordingly, there is hardly the most simple performance in nature +for the more easy execution of which an operator or machine of some +kind' or other is not employed or invented; and a man who has had the +misfortune to lose, or chuses not to use any of his limbs or senses, +may meet with people ready to perform all their functions for him, from +paring his nails and cutting his corns, to forming an opinion. No man +cleans his own teeth who can afford to pay a dentist; and hundreds get +their livelihood by shaving the chins and combing the hair of their +neighbours, though many, it must be admitted, comb their neighbour's +locks for nothing. The powers of man and the elements of nature even are +set aside, the use of limbs and air being both superseded by steam; in +short, every thing is done by proxy--death not excepted, for we are told +that our soldiers and sailors die for us. Marriage in certain ranks is +on this footing. A prince marries by proxy, and sometimes lives for +ever after as if he thought all the obligations of wedlock were to be +performed in a similar manner. A nobleman, it is true, will here take +the trouble to officiate in the first instance in person; but there are +plenty of cases to shew that nothing is further from his noble mind than +the idea of continuing his slavery, while others can be found to take +the labour off his hands. So numerous are the royal roads to every +desideratum, and so averse is every true gentleman from doing any thing +for himself, that it is to be dreaded lest it should grow impolite to +chew one's own victuals; and we are aware that there are great numbers +who, not getting their share of Heaven's provision, may be said to +submit to have their food eat for them.” + +~375~~ Tallyho laugh'd, and Dashall signified his assent to the +whimsical observations of Merrywell, by a shrug of the shoulders and an +approving smile. + +“Apropos,” said Merrywell--“what is the news of our friend Sparkle?” + +“O, (replied Tom) he is for trying a chance in the Lottery of Life, and +has perhaps by this time gained the prize of Matrimony:{1} but what part +of the globe he inhabits it is impossible for me to say--however, he is +with Miss Mortimer probably on the road to Gretna.” + +“Success to his enterprise,” continued Merrywell; “and if they are +destined to travel through life together, may they have thumping luck +and pretty children. Marriage to some is a bitter cup of continued +misery--may the reverse be his lot.” + +“Amen,” responded Dashall. + +“By the way,” said Merrywell, “I hope you will favour me with your +company for the afternoon, and I doubt not we shall start some game +within these walls well worthy of pursuit; and as I intend to remove to +more commodious apartments within a day or two, I shall certainly expect +to have a visit from you during my abode in the county of Surrey.” + +“Going to College?” inquired Tom. + +“Yes; I am off upon a sporting excursion for a month or two, and I +have an idea of making it yield both pleasure and profit. An occasional +residence in Abbot's Park is one of the necessary measures for the +completion of a Real Life in London education. It is a fashionable +retreat absolutely necessary, and therefore I have voluntarily +determined upon it. What rare advice a young man may pick up in the +precincts of the Fleet and + +1 It has often been said figuratively, that marriage is a lottery; but +we do not recollect to have met with a practical illustration of the +truth of the simile before the following, which is a free translation of +an Advertisement in the Louisiana Gazette:-- + + “A young man of good figure and disposition, unable though + “desirous to procure a Wife without the preliminary trouble of + “amassing a fortune, proposes the following expedient to obtain the + “object of his wishes:--He offers himself as the prize of a Lottery + “to all Widows and Virgins under 32: the number of tickets to be + “600 at 50 dollars each; but one number to be drawn from the + “wheel, the fortunate proprietor of which is to be entitled to + “himself and the 30,000 dollars.”--New York, America. + +~376~~ the King's Bench! He may soon learn the art of sharp-shooting and +skirmishing.” + +“And pray,” says Tallyho, “what do you term skirmishing?” + +“I will tell you,” was the reply. “When you have got as deeply in debt +every where as you can, you may still remain on the town as a Sunday-man +for a brace of years, and with good management perhaps longer. Next +you may toddle off to Scotland for another twelvemonth, and live in the +sanctuary of Holyrood House, after seeing the North, where writs will +not arrive in time to touch you. When tired of this, and in debt even in +the sanctuary, and when you have worn out all your friends by borrowing +of them to support you in style there, you can brush off on a Sunday to +the Isle of Man, where you are sure to meet a parcel of blades who will +be glad of your company if you are but a pleasant fellow. Here you may +live awhile upon them, and get in debt (if you can, for the Manx-men +have very little faith,) in the Island. From this, you must lastly +effect your escape in an open boat, and make your appearance in London +as a new face. Here you will find some flats of your acquaintance very +glad to see you, even if you are indebted to them, from the pleasures +of recollection accruing from past scenes of jollity and merriment. +You must be sure to amuse them with a good tale of a law-suit, or the +declining health of a rich old Uncle, from either of which you are +certain of deriving a second fortune. Now manage to get arrested, and +you will find some, who believe your story, ready to bail you. You can +then put off these actions for two years more, and afterwards make a +virtue of surrendering yourself in order to relieve your friends, who of +course will begin to be alarmed, and feel so grateful for this supposed +mark of propriety, that they will support you for a while in prison, +until you get white-washed. In all this experience, and with such a long +list of acquaintances, it will be hard if some will not give you a lift +at getting over your difficulties. Then you start again as a nominal +Land-surveyor, Money-scrivener, Horse-dealer, or as a Sleeping-partner +in some mercantile concern--such, for instance, as coals, wine, &c. Your +popularity and extensive acquaintance will get your Partner a number +of customers, and then if you don't succeed, you have only to become a +Bankrupt, secure your certificate, and start free again in some other +line. Then ~377~~ there are other good chances, for a man may marry once +or twice. Old or sickly women are best suited for the purpose, and their +fortunes will help you for a year or two at least, if only a thousand or +two pounds. Lastly, make up a purse» laugh at the flats, and finish on +the Continent.” + +“Very animated description indeed,” cried Dashall, “and salutary advice, +truly.” + +“Too good to be lost,” continued Merrywell. + +“And yet rather too frequently acted on, it is to be feared.” + +“Probably so--” + +“But mark me, this is fancy's sketch,” and may perhaps appear a little +too highly coloured; but if you remain with me, we will clip deeper into +the reality of the subject by a little information from the official +personage himself, who holds dominion over these premises; and we may +perhaps also find some agreeable and intelligent company in his house.” + +This proposition being agreed to, and directions given accordingly by +Merrywell to prepare dinner, our party gave loose to opinions of life, +observations on men and mariners, exactly as they presented themselves +to the imagination of each speaker, and Merrywell evidently proved +himself a close observer of character. + +“Places like this,” said he, “are generally inhabited by the profligate +of fashion, the ingenious artist, or the plodding mechanic. The first +is one who cares not who suffers, so he obtains a discharge from his +incumberances: having figured away for some time in the labyrinths of +folly and extravagance, till finding the needful run taper, he yields +to John Doe and Richard Roe as a matter of course, passes through his +degrees in the study of the laws by retiring to the Fleet or King's +Bench, and returns to the world with a clean face, and an increased +stock of information to continue his career. The second are men who +have heads to contrive and hands to execute improvements in scientific +pursuits, probably exhausting their time, their health, and their +property, in the completion of their projects, but who are impeded in +their progress, and compelled to finish their intentions in durance +vile, by the rapacity of their creditors. And the last are persons +subjected to all the casualties of trade and the arts of the former, and +unable to meet the peremptory demands of ~378~~ those they are indebted +to; but they seldom inhabit these places long, unless they can pay +well for their accommodations. Money is therefore as useful in a +lock-up-house or a prison as in any other situation of life. + +“Money, with the generality of people, is every thing; it is the +universal Talisman; there is magic in its very name. It ameliorates all +the miserable circumstances of life, and the sound of it may almost be +termed life itself. It is the balm, the comfort, and the restorative. +It must indeed be truly mortifying to the opulent, to observe that the +attachment of their dependents, and even the apparent esteem of their +friends, arises from the respect paid to riches. The vulgar herd bow +with reverence and respect before the wealthy; but it is in fact +the money, and not the individual, which they worship. Doubtless, a +philosophic Tallow-chandler would hasten from the contemplation of the +starry heavens to vend a farthing rushlight; and it therefore cannot +be wondered at that the Sheriffs-officer, who serves you with a writ +because you have not money enough to discharge the just demands against +you, should determine at least to get as much as he can out of you, and, +when he finds your resources exhausted, that he should remove you to the +common receptacle of debtors; which however cannot be done to your own +satisfaction without some money; for if you wish a particular place of +residence, or the most trifling accommodation, there are fees to pay, +even on entering a prison.” + +“In that case then,” said Tallyho, “a man is actually obliged to pay for +going to a prison.” + +“Precisely so, unless he is willing to mingle with the very lowest order +of society. But come, we will walk into the Coffee-room, and take a view +of the inmates.” + +Upon entering this, which was a small dark room, they heard a great +number of voices, and in one corner found several of the prisoners +surrounding a Bagatelle-board, and playing for porter, ale, &c; in +another corner was a young man in close conversation with an +Attorney; and a little further distant, was a hard-featured man taking +instructions from the Turnkey how to act. Here was a poor Player, who +declared he would take the benefit of the Act, and afterwards take a +benefit at the Theatre to reestablish himself. There a Poet racking +his imagination, and roving amidst the flowers of fancy, giving a few +touches by way of finish to an Ode to Liberty, with the ~379~~ produce +of which he indulged himself in a hope of obtaining the subject of his +Muse. The conversation was of a mingled nature. The vociferations of the +Bagatelle-players--the whispers of the Attorney and his Client--and the +declarations of the prisoner to the Turnkey, “That he would be d------d +if he did not sarve 'em out, and floor the whole boiling of them,” + were now and then interrupted by the notes of a violin playing the most +lively airs in an animated and tasteful style. The Performer however was +not visible, but appeared to be so near, that Merrywell, who was a great +lover of music, beckoned his friends to follow him. They now entered a +small yard at the back of the house, the usual promenade of those who +resided in it, and found the Musician seated on one of the benches, +which were continued nearly round the yard, and which of itself formed +a panorama of rural scenery. Here was the bubbling cascade and the lofty +fountain--there the shady grove of majestic poplars, and the meandering +stream glittering in the resplendent lustre of a rising sun. The waving +foliage however and the bubbling fountain were not to be seen or heard, +(as these beauties were only to be contemplated in the labours of the +painter;) but to make up for the absence of these with the harmony +of the birds and the ripplings of the stream, the Musician was +endeavouring, like an Arcadian shepherd with his pipe, to make the +woods resound with the notes of his fiddle, surrounded by some of his +fellow-prisoners, who did not fail to applaud his skill and reward his +kindness, by supplying him with rosin, as they termed it, which was by +handing him the heavy-wet as often as they found his elbow at rest. In +one place was to be seen a Butcher, who upon his capture was visited by +his wife with a child in her arms, upon whom the melody seemed to have +no effect. She was an interesting and delicate-looking woman, whose +agitation of spirits upon so melancholy an occasion were evidenced by +streaming tears from a pair of lovely dark eyes; and the Butcher, as +evidently forgetful of his usual calling, was sympathising with, and +endeavouring to soothe her into composure, and fondling the child. In +another, a person who had the appearance of an Half-pay Officer, with +Hessian boots, blue pantaloons, and a black silk handkerchief, sat with +his arms folded almost without taking notice of what was passing around +him, though a rough Sailor with a pipe in his mouth occasionally ~380~~ +enlivened the scene by accompanying the notes of the Musician with a +characteristic dance, which he termed a Horn-spike. + +It was a fine scene of Real Life, and after taking a few turns in the +gardens of the Lock-up or Sponging-house, they returned to Merrywell's +apartments, which they had scarcely entered, when the tandem drew up to +the door. + +“More company,” said Merry well. + +“And perhaps the more the merrier,” replied Tom. + +“That is as it may prove,” was the reply; “for the company of this +house ace as various at times as can be met with in any other situation. +However, this appears to wear the form of one of our fashionable, +high-life Gentlemen; but appearances are often deceitful, we shall +perhaps hear more of him presently--he may turn out to be one of the +prodigals who calculate the duration of life at about ten years, that +is, to have a short life and a merry one.” + +“That seems to me to be rather a short career, too,” exclaimed Bob. + +“Nay, nay, that is a long calculation, for it frequently cannot be made +to last half the number. In the first place, the Pupil learns every kind +of extravagance, which he practises en maitre the two next years. These +make an end of his fortune. He lives two more on credit, established +while his property lasted. The next two years he has a letter of +licence, and contrives to live by ways and means (for he has grown +comparatively knowing.) Then he marries, and the wife has the honour +of discharging his debts, her fortune proving just sufficient for the +purpose. Then he manages to live a couple of years more on credit, and +retires to one of his Majesty's prisons.” + +By this time Mr. Safebind made his appearance, and with great politeness +inquired if the Gentlemen were accommodated in the way they wished? +Upon being assured of this, and requested to take a seat, after some +introductory conversation, he gave them the following account of himself +and his business:-- + +“We have brought nine Gemmen into the house this morning; and, though I +say it, no Gemman goes out that would have any objection to come into it +again.” + +Tallyho shrugg'd up his shoulders in a way that seemed to imply a doubt. + +~381~~ “For,” continued he, “a Gemman that is a Gemman shall always find +genteel treatment here. I always acts upon honour and secrecy; and if as +how a Gemman can't bring his affairs into a comfortable shape here, why +then he is convey'd away without exposure, that is, if he understands +things.” + +With assurances of this kind, the veracity of which no one present could +doubt, they were entertained for some time by their loquacious Host, +who, having the gift of the gab,{1} would probably have continued long +in the same strain of important information; when dinner was placed on +the table, and they fell to with good appetites, seeming almost to have +made use of the customary grace among theatricals.{2} + +“The table cleared, the frequent glass goes round, And joke and song and +merriment abound.” + +“Your house,” said Dashall, “might well be termed the Temple of the +Arts, since their real votaries are so frequently its inhabitants.” + +“Very true, Sir,” said Safebind, “and as the Poet observes, it is as +often graced by the presence of the devotees to the Sciences: in point +of company he says we may almost call it multum in parvo, or the Camera +Obscura of Life. There are at this time within these walls, a learned +Alchymist, two Students in Anatomy, and a Physician--a Poet, a Player, +and a Musician. The Player is an adept at mimicry, the Musician a good +player, and the Poet no bad stick at a rhyme; all anxious to turn their +talents to good account, and, when mingled together, productive +of harmony, though the situation they are in at present is rather +discordant to their feelings; but then you know 'tis said, that discord +is the soul of harmony, and they knocked up a duet among themselves +yesterday, which I thought highly amusing.” + +“I am fond of music,” said Merry well--“do you think they would take a +glass of wine with us?” + + 1 Gift of the gab--Fluency of speech. + + 2 It is a very common thing among the minor theatricals, + when detained at rehearsals, &c. to adjourn to some + convenient room in the neighbourhood for refreshment, and + equally common for them to commence operations in a truly + dramatic way, by ex-claiming to each other in the language + of Shakespeare, + + “Come on, Macbeth--come on, Macduff, + And d-----d be he who first cries--hold, enough.” + +~382~~ “Most readily, no doubt,” was the reply. “I will introduce them +in a minute.” Thus saying, he left the room, and in a very few minutes +returned with the three votaries of Apollo, who soon joined in the +conversation upon general subjects. The Player now discovered his +loquacity; the Poet his sagacity; and the Musician his pertinacity, +for he thought no tones so good as those produced by himself, nor no +notes--we beg pardon, none but bank notes--equal to his own. + +It will be sufficient for our present purpose to add, that the +bottle circulated 'quickly, and what with the songs of the Poet, the +recitations of the Player, and the notes of the Fiddler, time, which +perfects all intellectual ability, and also destroys the most stupendous +monuments of art, brought the sons of Apollo under the table, and +admonished Dashall and his Cousin to depart; which they accordingly +did, after a promise to see their friend Merry well in his intended new +quarters.~383~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + “All nations boast some men of nobler mind, + Their scholars, heroes, benefactors kind: + And Britain has her share among the rest, + Of men the wisest, boldest and the best: + Yet we of knaves and fools have ample share, + And eccentricities beyond compare. + Full many a life is spent, and many a purse, + In mighty nothings, or in something worse.” + +THE next scene which Tom was anxious to introduce to his Cousin's +notice was that of a Political Dinner; but while they were preparing for +departure, a letter arrived which completely satisfied the mind of the +Hon. Tom Dashall as to the motives and views of their friend Sparkle, +and ran as follows: + +“Dear Dashall, + +“Having rivetted the chains of matrimony on the religious anvil of +Gretna Green, I am now one of the happiest fellows in existence. +My election is crowned with success, and I venture to presume all +after-petitions will be rejected as frivolous and vexatious. The once +lovely Miss Mortimer is now the ever to be loved Mrs. Sparkle. I shall +not now detain your attention by an account of our proceedings or +adventures on the road: we shall have many more convenient opportunities +of indulging in such details when we meet, replete as I can assure you +they are with interest. + +“I have written instructions to my agent in town for the immediate +disposal of my paternal estate in Wiltshire, and mean hereafter to take +up my abode on one I have recently purchased in the neighbourhood of +Belville Hall, where I anticipate many pleasurable opportunities +of seeing you and our friend Tallyho surrounding my hospitable and +(hereafter) family board. We shall be there within a month, as we mean +to reach our place of destination by easy stages, and look about us. + +“Please remember me to all old friends in Town, and believe as ever, + +Your's truly, + +“Charles Sparkle.” + +“Carlisle.” + + +~384 ~~ The receipt of this letter and its contents were immediately +communicated to young Mortimer, who had already received some +intelligence of a similar nature, which had the effect of allaying +apprehension and dismissing fear for his Sister's safety. The mysterious +circumstances were at once explained, and harmony was restored to the +previously agitated family. + +“I am truly glad of this information,” said Tom, “and as we are at +present likely to be politically engaged, we cannot do less than take a +bumper or two after dinner, to the health and happiness of the Candidate +who so emphatically observes, he has gained his election, and, in the +true language of every Patriot, declares he is the happiest man alive, +notwithstanding the rivets by which he is bound.” + +“You are inclined to be severe,” said Tallyho. + +“By no means,” replied Dashall; “the language of the letter certainly +seems a little in consonance with my observation, but I am sincere in my +good wishes towards the writer and his amiable wife. Come, we must now +take a view of other scenes, hear long speeches, drink repeated bumpers, +and shout with lungs of leather till the air resounds with peals of +approbation. + +“We shall there see and hear the great men of the nation, Or at least +who are such in their own estimation.” + + “Great in the name a patriot father bore, + Behold a youth of promise boldly soar, + Outstrip his fellows, clamb'ring height extreme, + And reach to eminence almost supreme. + With well-worn mask, and virtue's fair pretence, + And all the art of smooth-tongued eloquence, + He talks of wise reform, of rights most dear, + Till half the nation thinks the man sincere.” + +“Hey day,” said Tallyho, “who do you apply this to?” + +“Those who find the cap fit may wear it,” was the reply--” + +I leave it wholly to the discriminating few who can discover what +belongs to themselves, without further comment.” + +~385~~ By this time they had arrived at the Crown and Anchor Tavern, in +the Strand, where they found a great number of persons assembled, Sir +F. B------ having been announced as President. In a few minutes he was +ushered into the room with all due pomp and ceremony, preceded by +the Stewards for the occasion, and accompanied by a numerous body of +friends, consisting of Mr. H------, Major C------, and others, though +not equally prominent, equally zealous. During dinner time all went on +smoothly, except in some instances, where the voracity of some of +the visitors almost occasioned a chopping off the fingers of their +neighbours; but the cloth once removed, and 'Non nobis Domine' sung by +professional Gentlemen, had the effect of calling the attention of the +company to harmony. The Band in the orchestra played, 'O give me Death +or Liberty'--'Erin go brach'--'Britons strike home'--and 'Whilst happy +in my native Land.' The Singers introduced 'Scots wha hae wi' Wallace +bled'--'Peruvians wake to Glory'--and the 'Tyrolese Hymn.' But the +spirit of oratory, enlivened by the fire of the bottle, exhibited its +illuminating sparks in a blaze of lustre which eclipsed even the gas +lights by which they were surrounded; so much so, that the Waiters +themselves became confused, and remained stationary, or, when they +moved, were so dazzled by the patriotic effusions of the various +Speakers, that they fell over each other, spilt the wine in the pockets +of the company, and, by making afterwards a hasty retreat, left them to +fight or argue between each other for supposed liberties taken even by +their immediate friends. + +[Illustration: page385 Political Dinner] + +Unbridled feelings of patriotic ardour appeared to pervade every one +present; and what with the splendid oratory of the speakers, and the +deafening vociferations of the hearers, at the conclusion of what +was generally considered a good point, a sufficient indication of the +feelings by which they were all animated was evinced. + +At the lower end of the table sat a facetious clerical Gentleman, who, +unmindful of his ministerial duties, was loud in his condemnation of +ministers, and as loud in his approbation of those who gave them what +he repeatedly called a good hit. But here a subject of great laughter +occurred; for Mr. Marrowfat, the Pea-merchant of Covent-Garden, and Mr. +Barrowbed, the Feathermonger of Drury Lane, in their zeal for the good +cause, arising at the same moment, big with ardour and sentiment, to +address the ~386~~ Chair on a subject of the most momentous importance +in their consideration, and desirous to signalize themselves +individually, so completely defeated their objects by over anxiety to +gain precedence, that they rolled over each other on the floor, to the +inexpressible amusement of the company, and the total obliteration of +their intended observations; so much so, that the harangue meant to +enlighten their friends, ended in a fine colloquy of abuse upon each +other. + +The bottles, the glasses, and the other paraphernalia of the table +suffered considerable diminution in the descent of these modern Ciceros, +and a variety of speakers arising upon their downfall, created so much +confusion, that our Heroes, fearing it would be some time before harmony +could be restored, took up their hats and walked. + +“Now,” said Dashall, as they left the house, “you have had a full +view of the pleasantries of a Political Dinner; and having seen the +characters by which such an entertainment is generally attended, any +further account of them is almost rendered useless.” + +“At least,” replied Tallyho, “I have been gratified by the view of some +of the leading men who contribute to fill up the columns of your London +Newspapers.” + +“Egad!” said his Cousin, “now I think of it, there is a tine opportunity +of amusing ourselves for the remainder of the evening by a peep at +another certain house in Westminster: whether it may be assimilated, in +point of character or contents, to what we have just witnessed, I shall +leave you, after taking a review, to determine.” + +“What do you mean?” inquired Tallyho. + +“Charley's, my boy, that's the place for sport, something in the old +style. The Professors there are all of the ancient school, and we shall +just be in time for the first Lecture. It is a school of science, and +though established upon the ancient construction, is highly suitable to +the taste of the moderns.” + +“Zounds!” replied Bob, “our heads are hardly in cue for philosophy after +so much wine and noise; we had better defer it to another opportunity.” + +“Nay, nay, now's the very time for it--it will revive the recollection +of some of your former sports; + + For, midst our luxuries be it understood, + Some traits remain of rugged hardihood.” + +~387~~ Charley is a good caterer for the public appetite, and, to +diversify the amusements of a Life in London, we will have a little +chaff among the Bear-baiters.” + +Tally-ho stared for a moment; then burst into laughter at the curious +introduction his Cousin had given to this subject. “I have long +perceived your talent for embellishment, but certainly was not prepared +for the conclusion; but you ought rather to have denominated them +Students in Natural History.” + +“And what is that but a branch of Philosophy?” inquired Dashall. +“However, we are discussing points of opinion rather than hastening to +the scene of action to become judges of facts--Allons.” + +Upon saying this, they moved forward with increased celerity towards +Tothill-fields, and soon reached their proposed place of destination. + +On entering, Tallyho was reminded by his Cousin to button up his +toggery, keep his ogles in action, and be awake. “For,” said he, “you +will here have to mingle with some of the queer Gills and rum Covies of +all ranks.” + +This advice being taken, they soon found themselves in this temple of +torment, where Bob surveyed a motly group assembled, and at that moment +engaged in the sports of the evening. The generality of the company bore +the appearance of Butchers, Dog-fanciers and Ruffians, intermingled +here and there with a few Sprigs of Fashion, a few Corinthian Sicells, +Coster-mongers, Coal-heavers, Watermen, Soldiers, and Livery-servants. + +[Illustration: page387 The Country Squire] + +The bear was just then pinn'd by a dog belonging to a real lover of the +game, who, with his shirt-sleeves tuck'd up, declared he was a d------d +good one, and nothing but a good one, so help him G------d. This dog, at +the hazard of his life, had seized poor Bruin by the under lip, who +sent forth a tremendous howl indicative of his sufferings, and was +endeavouring to give him a fraternal hug; many other dogs were barking +aloud with anxiety to take an active share in the amusement, while the +bear, who was chained by the neck to a staple in the wall, and compelled +to keep an almost erect posture, shook his antagonist with all the fury +of madness produced by excessive torture. In the mean time bets were +made and watches pull'd forth, to decide how long the bow-wow would +bother the ragged Russian. The Dog-breeders were chaffing each other +upon the value of their canine property, each holding his ~388~~ +brother-puppy between his legs, till a fair opportunity for a let-loose +offered, and many wagers were won and lost in a short space of time. Bob +remained a silent spectator; while his Cousin, who was better up to the +gossip, mixt with the hard-featured sportsmen, inquired the names of +their dogs, what prices were fix'd upon, when they had fought last, and +other questions equally important to amateurs. + +Bruin got rid of his customers in succession as they came up to him, +and when they had once made a seizure, it was generally by a hug which +almost deprived them of life, at least it took from them the power of +continuing their hold; but his release from one was only the signal for +attack from another. + +While this exhibition continued, Tom could not help calling his Cousin's +attention to an almost bald-headed man, who occupied a front seat, and +sat with his dog, which was something of the bull breed, between his +legs, while the paws of the animal rested on the top rail, and which +forcibly brought to his recollection the well-known anecdote of Garrick +and the Butcher's dog with his master's wig on, while the greasy +carcass-dealer was wiping the perspiration from his uncovered +pericranium. + +Bob, who had seen a badger-bait, and occasionally at fairs in the +country a dancing bear, had never before seen a bear-bait, stood up most +of the time, observing those around him, and paying attention to their +proceedings while entertaining sentiments somewhat similar to the +following lines:-- + + “What boisterous shouts, what blasphemies obscene, + What eager movements urge each threatening mien! + Present the spectacle of human kind, + Devoid of feeling--destitute of mind; + With ev'ry dreadful passion rous'd to flame, + All sense of justice lost and sense of shame.” + +When Charley the proprietor thought his bear was sufficiently exercised +for the night, he was led to his den, lacerated and almost lamed, to +recover of his wounds, with an intention that he should “fight his +battles o'er again.” Meanwhile Tom and Bob walk'd homeward. + +The next day having been appointed for the coronation of our most +gracious Sovereign, our friends were off at an early hour in the +morning, to secure their seats in ~389~~ Westminster Hall; and on their +way they met the carriage of our disappointed and now much lamented +Queen, her endeavours to obtain admission to the Abbey having proved +fruitless. + + “Oh that the Monarch had as firmly stood + In all his acts to serve the public good, + As in that moment of heartfelt joy + That firmness acted only to destroy + A nation's hope--to every heart allied, + Who lived in sorrow, and lamented died!” + +It was a painful circumstance to Dashall, who was seldom severe in his +judgments, or harsh in his censures. He regretted its occurrence, and it +operated in some degree to rob a splendid ceremony of its magnificence, +and to sever from royalty half its dignity. + +The preparations however were arranged upon a scale of grandeur suited +to the occasion. The exterior of Westminster Hall and Abbey presented +a most interesting appearance. Commodious seats were erected for the +accommodation of spectators to view the procession in its moving order, +and were thronged with thousands of anxious subjects to greet their +Sovereign with demonstrations of loyalty and love. + +It was certainly a proud day of national festivity. The firing of guns +and the ringing of bells announced the progress of the Coronation in +its various stages to completion; and in the evening Hyde Park was +brilliantly and tastefully illuminated, and an extensive range of +excellent fireworks were discharged under the direction of Sir William +Congreve. We must however confine ourselves to that which came under the +view of the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin, who, being seated in +the Hall, had a fine opportunity of witnessing the banquet, and the +challenge of the Champion. + +A flooring of wood had been laid down in the Hall at an elevation of +fourteen inches above the flags. Three tiers of galleries were erected +on each side, covered with a rich and profuse scarlet drapery falling +from a cornice formed of a double row of gold-twisted rope, and +ornamented with a succession of magnificent gold pelmets and rosettes. +The front of the door which entered from the passage without, was +covered with a curtain of scarlet, trimmed with deep gold fringe, and +looped up on each side with ~390~~ silken ropes. The floor, and to the +extremity of the first three steps of the Throne, was covered with a +splendid Persian-pattern Wilton carpet, and the remainder of the steps +with scarlet baize. + +The canopy of the throne, which was square, was surrounded by a +beautiful carved and gilt cornice, prepared by Mr. Evans. Beneath the +cornice hung a succession of crimson-velvet pelmet drapery, each pelmet +having embroidered upon it a rose, a thistle, a crown, or a harp. +Surmounting the cornice in front was a gilt crown upon a velvet cushion, +over the letters “Geo. IV.” supported on each side by an antique gilt +ornament. The entire back of the throne, as well as the interior of the +canopy, were covered with crimson Genoa velvet, which was relieved by a +treble row of broad and narrow gold lace which surrounded the whole. +In the centre of the back were the royal arms, the lion and the unicorn +rampant, embroidered in the most costly style. Under this stood the +chair of state, and near the throne were six splendid chairs placed for +the other members of the royal family. These decorations, and the Hall +being splendidly illuminated, presented to the eye a spectacle of +the most imposing nature, heightened by the brilliant assemblage of +elegantly dressed personages. The Ladies universally wore ostrich +feathers, and the Gentlemen were attired in the most sumptuous dresses. + +[Illustration: page390 Grand Coronation Dinner] + +About four o'clock, his Majesty having gone through the other fatiguing +ceremonies of the day, entered the Hall with the crown upon his head, +and was greeted with shouts of “Long live the King!” from all quarters; +shortly after which, the banquet was served by the necessary officers. +But that part of the ceremony which most attracted the attention of +Tallyho, was the challenge of the Champion, whose entrance was announced +by the sound of the trumpets thrice; and who having proceeded on a +beautiful horse in a full suit of armour, under the porch of a triumphal +arch, attended by the Duke of Wellington on his right, and the Deputy +Earl Marshal on his left, to the place assigned him, the challenge was +read aloud by the Herald: he then threw down his gauntlet, which having +lain a short time, was returned to him. This ceremony was repeated three +times; when he drank to his Majesty, and received the gold cup and cover +as his fee. + +~391~~ The whole of this magnificent national pageant was conducted +throughout with the most scrupulous attention to the customary etiquette +of such occasions; and Tallyho, who had never witnessed any thing of the +kind before, and consequently could have no conception of its splendour, +was at various parts of the ceremony enraptured; he fancied himself +in Fairy-land, and that every thing he saw and heard was the effect of +enchantment. Our friends returned home highly gratified with their day's +amusement. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + “Behold the Ring! how strange the group appears + Of dirty blackguards, commoners and peers; + Jews, who regard not Moses nor his laws, + All ranks of Christians eager in the cause. + What eager bets--what oaths at every breath, + Who first shall shrink, or first be beat to death. + Thick fall the blows, and oft the boxers fall, + While deaf'ning shouts for fresh exertions call; + Till, bruised and blinded, batter'd sore and maim'd, + One gives up vanquish'd, and the other lam'd. + Say, men of wealth! say what applause is due + For scenes like these, when patronised by you? + These are your scholars, who in humbler way, + But with less malice, at destruction play. + You, like game cocks, strike death with polish'd steel; + They, dung-hill-bred, use only nature's heel; + They fight for something--you for nothing fight; + They box for love, but you destroy in spite.” + +~392 ~~ THE following Tuesday having been appointed by the knowing ones +for a pugilistic encounter between Jack Randall, commonly called the +Nonpareil, and Martin, as well known by the appellation of The Master of +the Rolls, from his profession being that of a baker; an excellent day's +sport was anticipated, and the lads of the fancy were all upon the “_qui +vive_.” + +Our friends had consequently arranged, on the previous night, to +breakfast at an early hour, and take a gentle ride along the road, with +a determination to see as much as possible of the attractive amusements +of a milling-match, and to take a view as they went along of the company +they were afterwards to mingle with. + +“We shall now,” said Dashall (as they sat down to breakfast) “have a +peep at the lads of the ring, and see a little of the real science of +Boxing.” + +“We have been boxing the compass through the difficult straits of a +London life for some time,” replied Bob, “and I begin to think that, +with all its variety, its gaiety, and + +~393~~ its pride, the most legitimate joys of life may fairly be said to +exist in the country.” + +“I confess,” said Dashall, “that most of the pleasures of life are +comparative, and arise from contrast. Thus the bustle of London +heightens the serenity of the country, while again the monotony of the +country gives additional zest to the ever-varying scenes of London. But +why this observation at a moment when we are in pursuit of fresh game?” + +“Nay,” said Tallyho, “I know not why; but I spoke as I thought, feeling +as I do a desire to have a pop at the partridges as the season is now +fast approaching, and having serious thoughts of shifting my quarters.” + +“We will talk of that hereafter,” was the reply. “You have an excellent +day's sport in view, let us not throw a cloud upon the prospect before +us--you seem rather in the doldrums. The amusements of this day will +perhaps inspire more lively ideas; and then we shall be present at the +masquerade, which will doubtless be well attended; all the fashion of +the Metropolis will be present, and there you will find a new world, +such as surpasses the powers of imagination--a sort of Elysium +unexplored before, full of mirth, frolic, whim, wit and variety, to +charm every sense in nature. But come, we must not delay participating +in immediate gratifications by the anticipations of those intended for +the future. Besides, I have engaged to give the Champion a cast to the +scene of action in my barouche.” + +By this time Piccadilly was all in motion--coaches, carts, gigs, +tilburies, whiskies, buggies, dog-carts, sociables, dennets, curricles, +and sulkies, were passing in rapid succession, intermingled with +tax-carts and waggons decorated with laurel, conveying company of the +most varied description. In a few minutes, the barouche being at +the door, crack went the whip, and off they bowled. Bob's eyes were +attracted on all sides. Here, was to be seen the dashing Corinthian +tickling up his tits, and his bang-up set-out of blood and bone, giving +the go-by to a heavy drag laden with eight brawney bull-faced blades, +smoking their way down behind a skeleton of a horse, to whom in all +probability a good feed of corn would have been a luxury; pattering +among themselves, occasionally chaffing the more elevated drivers by +whom they were surrounded, and pushing forward their nags with all the +ardour of a British ~394~~ merchant intent upon disposing of a valuable +cargo of foreign goods on 'Change. There, was a waggon, full of all +sorts upon the lark, succeeded by a donkey-cart with four insides; but +Neddy, not liking his burthen, stopt short on the way of a Dandy, whose +horse's head coming plump up to the back of the crazy vehicle at the +moment of its stoppage, threw the rider into the arms of a Dustman, who, +hugging his customer with the determined grasp of a bear, swore d------n +his eyes he had saved his life, and he expected he would stand something +handsome for the Gemmen all round, for if he had not pitched into their +cart, he would certainly have broke his neck; which being complied with, +though reluctantly, he regained his saddle, and proceeded a little more +cautiously along the remainder of the road, while groups of pedestrians +of all ranks and appearances lined each side. + +At Hyde-Park Corner, Tom having appointed to take up the prime +hammer-man, drew up, and was instantly greeted by a welcome from the +expected party, who being as quickly seated, they proceeded on their +journey. + +“This match appears to occupy general attention,” said Tom. + +“I should think so,” was the reply--“why it will be a prime thing +as ever was seen. Betting is all alive--the Daffy Club in tip-top +spirits--lots of money sported on both sides--somebody must make a +mull{1}--but Randall's the man--he is the favourite of the day, all the +world to a penny-roll.” + +The simile of the penny roll being quite in point with the known title +of one of the combatants, caused a smile on Dashall's countenance, which +was caught by the eye of Tallyho, and created some mirth, as it was +a proof of what has frequently been witnessed, that the lovers of the +fancy are as apt in their imaginations at times, as they are ready for +the accommodating one, two, or the friendly flush hit which floors their +opponents. + +The morning was fine, and the numerous persons who appeared travelling +on the road called forth many inquiries from Bob. + +“Now,” said he, “I think I recollect that the admirable author of the +_Sentimental Journey_ used to read as he went along--is it possible to +read as we journey forward?” “Doubtless,” replied Tom, “it is, and will +produce + + 1 Mull--Defeat, loss, or disappointment. + +~395~~ a fund of amusing speculation as we jog on. Lavater founded his +judgment of men upon the formation of their features; Gall and Spurzheim +by the lumps, bumps and cavities of their pericraniums; but I doubt not +we shall be right in our views of the society we are likely to meet, +without the help of either--do you see that group?” + +Bob nodded assent. + +“These,” continued Tom, “are profitable characters, or rather men of +profit, who, kindly considering the constitution of their friends, +provide themselves with refreshments of various kinds, to supply the +hungry visitors round the ring--oranges, nuts, apples, gingerbread, +biscuits and peppermint drops.” + +“Not forgetting _blue ruin and French lace_,”{1} said the man of fist; +“but you have only half done it--don't you see the _Cash-cove_{2} +behind, with his stick across his shoulder, _padding the hoof_{3} in +breathless speed? he has _shell'd out the lour_{4} for the occasion, and +is travelling down to keep a _wakeful winker_{5} on his retailers, and +to take care that however they may chuse to lush away the profit, they +shall at least take care of the principal. The little Dandy just before +him also acts as Whipper-in; between them they mark out the ground,{6} +watch the progress, and pocket the proceeds. They lend the money for the +others to traffic.” + +“I confess,” said Tom, “I was not exactly up to this.” + +“Aye, aye, but I know the _Blunt-monger_,{7} and am up to his ways and +means,” was the reply.--“Hallo, my eyes, here he comes!” continued he, +rising from his seat, and bowing obsequiously to a Gentleman who passed +them in a tandem--“all right, I am glad of it--always good sport when +he is present--no want of sauce or seasoning--he always _comes it +strong_.”{8} + +“I perceive,” replied Tom, “you allude to the noble Marquis of W------.” + + 1 French lace--A flash or cant term for brandy. + + 2 Cash-cove--A monied man. + + 3 Padding the hoof--Travelling on Shanks's mare, or taking + a turn by the marrow-bone stage, i.e. walking. + + 4 Shell'd out the lour--Supplied the cash. + + 5 Wakeful winker--A sharp eye. + + 6 Mark out the ground--Is to place his retailers in various + parts of the Ring for the accommodation of the company, any + where he may expect to find them himself. + + 7 Blunt-monger--Money-dealer, or money-lender. + + 8 Comes it strong--No flincher, a real good one. + +~396~~ Travelling gently along the road, they were presently impeded by +a crowd of persons who surrounded a long cart or waggon, which had just +been overturned, and had shot out a motley group of personages, who +were being lifted on their legs, growling and howling at this unforeseen +disaster. A hard-featured sailor, whose leg had been broken by the fall, +brandished a splinter of the fractured limb, and swore--“That although +his timbers were shivered, and he had lost a leg in the service, he +would not be the last in the Ring, but he'd be d------d if he mount the +rubbish-cart any more.” It is needless to observe his leg was a wooden +one. + +Upon examining the inscription on the cart, it was found to contain the +following words:--“Household Furniture, Building Materials, and Lumber +carefully removed.” As it was ascertained that no real injury had +been sustained, our party speedily passed the overturned vehicle and +proceeded. + +The next object of attraction was a small cart drawn by one poor animal, +sweating and snorting under the weight of six Swells, led by an old man, +who seemed almost as incapable as his horse seemed unwilling to perform +the journey. A label on the outside of the cart intimated that its +contents was soap, which created some laughter between Tom and Bob. The +man in the front, whose Jew-looking appearance attracted attention, was +endeavouring to increase the speed of the conveyance by belabouring the +boney rump of the _prad_{1} with his hat, while some of their pedestrian +_palls_{2} were following close in the rear, and taking occasionally +a _drap of the cratur_, which was handed out behind and returned after +refreshment. + +“These,” said Tom to his Cousin, “are also men of profit, but +not exactly in the way of those we passed--second-rate Swells and +broken-down Gamesters, determined, as the saying is, to have a shy, +even if they lose their sticks, and more properly may be termed men of +plunder; desperate in their pursuits, they turn out with intent to +make the best of the day, and will not fail to nibble all they can come +easily at.” + +“They are not worth the blood from a broken nose,” said the Pugilist, +with a feeling for the honour of his profession which did him +credit.--“They are all prigs, their company + + 1 Prad--A cant term for a horse. + + 2 Palls--Partners, accomplices, colleagues. + +~397~~ spoils all genteel society, and frequently brings disgrace +upon others with whom they are unworthy to associate, or even to be +seen--there's no getting rid of such gentry. Is it not d------d hard a +man can't have a pleasant bit of a turn-up, without having his friends +filched?--But here comes the gay fellows, here they come upon the trot, +all eager and anxious to mark the first blow, start the odds, and curry +the coal.{1} These are the lads of life--true lovers of the sport--up to +the manouvre--clear and quick-sighted, nothing but good ones--aye aye, +and here comes Bill Gibbons, furnished with the fashionables.” + +“What do you call the fashionables?” inquired Bob. + +“Why, the Binders.” + +Here he was as much at a loss as ever, which the other perceiving, he +continued--“The Binders are the stakes and ropes, to fence in the Ring.” + +Bill Gibbons, who was well known on the road, and was speeding down +pretty sharp, was followed by crowds of vehicles of all descriptions; as +many to whom the place of meeting was but conjectured, upon seeing +him felt assured of being in the right track. Here were to be seen the +Swells in their tandems--the Nib Sprigs in their gigs, buggies, and +dog-carts--and the Tidy Ones on their trotters, all alive and leaping. +Mirth and merriment appeared spread over every countenance, though +expectation and anxiety were intermingled here and there in the features +of the real lads of the fancy; many of whom, upon this very interesting +occasion, had bets to a considerable amount depending upon the result of +the day. The bang-up blades were pushing their prads along in gay style, +accompanied by two friends, that is to say, a biped and a quadruped. The +queer fancy lads, who had hired hacks from the livery-stable keepers, +were kicking up a dust, and here and there rolling from their prancers +in their native soil; while the neck or nothing boys, with no prospect +but a whereas before their eyes, were as heedless of their personal +safety as they were of their Creditor's property. Jaded hacks and crazy +vehicles were to be seen on all sides--here lay a bankrupt-cart with +the panels knock'din, and its driver with an eye knock'd out, the horse +lamed, and the concern completely knock'd up, just before the period +when the hammer of the Auctioneer was to be called in, and his effects +knock'd down. There was another + + 1 Curry the coal--Make sure of the money. + +~398~~ of the same description, with a harum-scarum devil of +a half-bred, making his way at all risks, at a full gallop, as +unmanageable in his career as his driver had been in his speculations; +dust flying, women sprawling, men bawling, dogs barking, and the +multitude continually increasing. Scouts, Scamps, Lords, Loungers and +Lacqueys--Coster-mongers from--To the Hill Fields--and The Bloods from +Bermondsey, completely lined the road as far as the eye could reach, +both before and behind; it was a day of the utmost importance to the +pugilistic school, as the contest had excited a most unparalleled degree +of interest! + +It would be scarcely possible to give a full and accurate description +of the appearances as they went along; imagination would labour in vain, +and words are altogether incapable of conveying a picture of the road to +this memorable fight; the various instances in which they could discover +that things were not all right were admirably contrasted by others, +where care and good coachmanship, with a perfect management of the +bloods, proved the reverse--while the single horsemen, whose hearts were +really engaged in the sport, were picking their way with celerity, and +posting to the point of attraction.--The public-houses were thronged +to excess, and the Turnpike-keepers made a market of the mirth-moving +throng. + +[Illustration: page398 Road to a Fight] + +Our party arrived in the neighbourhood of Copthorne about half-past +twelve, where all was bustle and confusion. The commissary in chief, Mr. +Jackson, being out of town, some of the subalterns, who had taken the +command _pro tempore_, had, for divers weighty reasons,principally +founded on a view to the profits of certain of the Surrey Trusts, and to +accommodate the sporting circles at Brighton, fixed the combat to take +place in a meadow belonging to a farmer named Jarvis, near this place. + +On this spot accordingly the ring was formed, and an immense mass of +all descriptions of vehicles was admitted, not much, it may naturally +be supposed, to the prejudice of the owner of the premises, whose +agents were praise-worthily active in levying proper contributions. Some +Gentlemen however in the neighbourhood, observing that the strictest +delicacy was not maintained towards the sacredness of their fences, +insisted that the place was too confined, and intimated that a move must +be made, or they should make application to the Magistrates; and at +the same time suggested Crawley Downs, the site of so ~399~ many former +skirmishes, as the most convenient spot for their accommodation. + +In this state of things, a move immediately took place, and a fresh +ring was established on the spot alluded to; but, in effecting this new +lodgment, much mortification was experienced, not alone by those, who, +after a dreadful drag up one of the worst by-roads in England, had +obtained a comfortable situation, but by those, who, speculating on the +formation of the ring, had expended considerable sums in the hire of +waggons for their purpose from the surrounding farmers. The waggons +it was found impossible to move in due time, and thus the new area was +composed of such vehicles as were first to reach the appointed ground. + +The general confusion now was inconceivable, for, notwithstanding the +departure of connoisseurs from Jarvis's Farm, Martin still maintained +his post, alleging, that he was on the ground originally fixed, and +that he should expect Randall to meet him there; in which demand he was +supported by his backers. This tended to increase the embarrassment of +the amateurs; however, about one, Randall arrived at Crawley Downs, in +a post-chaise, and took up his quarters at a cottage near the ground, +waiting for his man; and at two, General Barton, who had just mounted +his charger, intending to consult the head-quarters of the Magistrates, +to ascertain their intention in case of proceeding to action at Jarvis's +Farm, was suddenly arrested in his progress by an express from the +Martinites, announcing that their champion had yielded his claim to the +choice of ground, and was so anxious for the mill, that he would meet +Randall even in a saw-pit. Bill Gibbons arriving soon after, the Ring, +with the assistance of many hands, was quickly formed; by which time, +Tom and Bob had secured themselves excellent situations to view the +combat. + +About twenty minutes before three, Randall entered the outer Ring, +attended by General Barton and Mr. Griffiths. He was attired in a +Whitehall upper Benjamin, and _threw his hat into the Ring_ amidst loud +applause. In a few minutes after, Martin approached from an opposite +direction, accompanied by Mr. Sant and Mr. Elliott; he was also warmly +greeted. + +The men now passed the ropes, and were assisted by their immediate +friends in peeling for action. Martin was ~400~~ attended by Spring and +Thurton; Randall, by Harry Holt and Paddington Jones. + +The men stript well, and both appeared to be in excellent health, good +spirits, and high condition; but the symmetry of Randall's bust excited +general admiration; and the muscular strength of his arms, neck, and +shoulders, bore testimony to his Herculean qualities; the whole force of +his body, in fact, seem'd to be concentrated above his waistband. Martin +stood considerably above him, his arms were much longer, but they wanted +that bold and imposing weight which characterized those of Randall. They +walked up to the _scratch_, and shook hands in perfect good fellowship. +Every man now took his station, and the heroes threw themselves into +their guard. + +It was rumoured that Martin intended to lose no time in manoeuvring, but +to go to work instanter. This however he found was not so easily to +be effected as suggested, for Randall had no favour to grant, and was +therefore perfectly on his guard. He was all wary caution, and had +clearly no intention of throwing away a chance, but was evidently +waiting for Martin to commence. Martin once or twice made play, but +Randall was not skittishly inclined, all was “war hawk.” Randall made a +left-handed hit to draw his adversary, but found it would not do. +Martin then hit right and left, but was stopped. Randall was feeling for +Martin's wind, but hit above his mark, though not without leaving one of +a red colour, which told “a flattering tale.” Randall returned with his +left, and the men got to a smart rally, when Randall got a konker, which +tapped the claret. An almost instantaneous close followed, in which +Randall, grasping Martin round the neck with his right arm, and bringing +his head to a convenient posture, sarved out punishment with his left. +This was indeed a terrific position. Randall was always famous for the +dreadful force of his short left-handed hits, and on this occasion they +lost none of their former character. Martin's nob was completely in a +vice; and while in that hopeless condition, Randall fibbed away with the +solid weight of the hammer of a tuck-mill. His aim was principally at +the neck, where every blow told with horrible violence. Eight or ten +times did he repeat the dose, and then, with a violent swing, threw +Martin to the ground, falling on him as he; went with all his weight. +The Ring resounded with applause, and Jack coolly took ~401~~ his seat +on the knee of his Second. Martin's friends began to look blue, but +still expected, the fight being young, there was yet much to be done. + +All eyes were now turned to Martin, who being lifted on Spring's knee, +in a second discovered that he was done. His head fell back lifeless, +and all the efforts of Spring to keep it straight were in vain. Water +was thrown on him in abundance, but without effect: he was, in fact, +completely senseless; and the half-minute having transpired, the +Nonpareil was hailed the victor. + +Randall appeared almost without a scratch, while poor Martin lay like a +lump of unleavened dough; he was removed and bled, but it was some time +before he was conscious of his defeat. + +Nothing could exceed the astonishment which so sudden and complete a +finish to the business produced. The round lasted but seven minutes and +a half, of which four minutes and a half had elapsed before a blow was +attempted. Thus ended one of the most extraordinary battles between two +known game men on the pugilistic records. Very heavy bets had been made +upon it in all parts of the kingdom. One gentleman is said to have had +five thousand pounds, and another one thousand eight hundred guineas. +The gains of the conqueror were supposed to be about a thousand pounds. + +The amusements of the day were concluded by a second fight between +Parish and Lashbroke, which proved a manly and determined contest for +upwards of an hour, and in which the combatants evinced considerable +skill and bravery, and was finally decided in favour of Parish. All +amusement which might have been derived from this spectacle, however, +was completely destroyed by the daring outrages of an immense gang of +pickpockets, who broke in the Ring, and closed completely up to the +ropes, carrying with them every person, of decent appearance, and openly +robbing them of their watches, pocket-books and purses. And the lateness +of the hour, it being five o'clock, and almost dark, favoured the +depredators. + +In the midst of this struggle, Tom Dashall had nearly lost his fancy +topper,{1} and Tallyho was secretly eased of his clicker.{2} From the +scene of tumult and confusion they were glad to escape; and being again +safely seated in the + + 1 Topper--A flash term given to a hat. + + 2 Clicker--A flash term given to a watch, + +~402~~ barouche, they made the best of their way home; in doing which, +they found the roads almost as much clogg'd as they were in the morning. +The Randallites were meritorious, and, flushed with good fortune, lined +the public-houses on the road to _wet their whistles_, singing and +shouting his name in strains to them equally inspiring as + + “See the conquering hero comes! + Sound your trumpets, beat your drums;” + +while the Martinites rolled along the road in sullen silence; and, by +the time they reached town, an account of the Battle was hawking about +the streets, and songs singing to the praise of the successful combatant +in all the melodious cadences of a last dying speech and confession: +such is the promptitude of London Printers, Poets, and News-venders. + +“Well,” said Dashall, as they re-entered the house, “the events of this +day have completely disappointed some of the knowing ones.” + +“That may be,” replied Bob, “but they have been too knowing for me, +notwithstanding your previous instructions. However, I don't regret +seeing the humours of a Prize Ring; and the next time you catch me +there, I must take a lesson from the man of profit, and keep a wakeful +winker on the possibles. Really, I could not help feeling astonished at +the immense number of persons assembled on such an occasion.” + +[Illustration: page402 A Private Turn-up] + +“Zounds!” said Tom, “'tis the real centre of attraction, the thing, +the tippy, and the twig, among the Lads of the Fancy. Why, it is pretty +generally known, through the medium of the newspapers, that a certain +Nobleman paid the debts of one of these Pugilists, amounting to 300L. +that he might be released from Newgate in order to fight a prize battle; +and it is not long since that the Marquis of T--ed--e, whilst +entertaining a large party, after dinner introduced the subject with so +much effect, that a purse of 100 guineas was subscribed among them for a +turn up between two of the _prime hammermen_; who, being introduced, +actually set-to in his drawing-room for the amusement of his friends. +Nor is it less true, that this sporting Nobleman gloriously took up the +conqueror, (as the saying is) and evinced his patronage and his power at +once, by actually subduing his antagonist, proving to certitude, that if +his Lordship would but practise this sublime art, he ~403~~ could hardly +fail of adding to his present title that of the Champion of England! It +is the theme of constant conversation, and in many cases there is more +anxiety about contests of this sort than there is about the arrival of a +Monarch on the Irish coast among the lads of _praties_, whiskey, and +buttermilk--thoughts are busy, energies are active--and money in galore +is circulated upon it.” + +Bob laughed heartily at these observations of his Cousin upon what he +termed the sublime art. + +“You don't appear to enter into the spirit of it,” continued Tom; “but +I can assure you, it is a very animating subject, and has occupied the +attention of all classes, from the peer to the prelate, the peasant +and the pot-boy; it is said that one of the lower order of ranting +Preachers, not many miles from Bolton-on-the-Moors, lately addressed +his auditory in the following metaphorical language, accompanied with +striking and appropriate attitudes:--'I dare say, now, you'd pay to see +a boxing-match between Randall and Turner, or Martin--yet you don't like +to pay for seeing a pitched-battle between me and the Black Champion +Beelzebub. Oh! my friends, many a hard knock, and many a cross-buttock +have I given the arch bruiser of mankind--aye, and all for your dear +sakes--pull--do pull off those gay garments of Mammon, strike the devil +a straight-forward blow in the mouth, darken his spiritual daylights. +At him manfully, give it him right and left, and I'll be your +bottle-holder--I ask nothing but the money, which you'll not forget +before you go.' ” + +“The true spirit moved him,” said Bob, “and a very laudable one too; but +he very emphatically deprecated the votaries of Mammon.” + +“Certainly, he being called, would have been unworthy of his calling if +he had not.” + +This conversation was carried on over a glass of generous wine, and, +dwindling into indifferent subjects, is not necessary to be detailed; +suffice it to say, that, fatigued with the day's exertions, they sought +repose in the arms of Morpheus at an early hour, determined on the +pursuit of fresh game with the dawn of the morning.404~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + “See yonder beaux, so delicately gay; + And yonder belles, so'deck'd in thin array-- + Ah! rather see not what a decent pride + Would teach a maiden modestly to hide; + The dress so flimsy, the exposure such, + “twould almost make a very wanton blush. + E'en married dames, forgetting what is due + To sacred ties, give half clad charms to view. + What calls them forth to brave the daring glance, + The public ball, the midnight wanton dance? + There many a blooming nymph, by fashion led, + Has felt her health, her peace, her honour fled; + Truss'd her fine form to strange fantastic shapes, + To be admir'd, and twirl'd about by apes; + Or, mingling in the motley masquerade, + Found innocence by visor'd vice betrayed.” + +AN agreeable lounge through the Parks in the morning afforded them an +opportunity of recalling in idea the pleasures of the past Real Life in +London, of which Tallyho had been enabled to partake, and during which +he again signified a desire to change the scene, by a departure at +an early period for his native vales, to breathe, as he observed, the +uncontaminated air of the country--to watch the wary pointer, and mark +the rising covey--to pursue the timid hare, or chase the cunning +fox; and Dashall finding him inflexible, notwithstanding his glowing +descriptions of scenes yet unexplored, at length consented to accompany +him to Belville Hall, upon condition that they should return again in +a month. This mode of arrangement seemed perfectly satisfactory to Bob; +and a view of the Panorama and a peep at the Tennis Court would have +finished their rambles for the day, but at the latter place of +amusement and healthful exercise, meeting with young Mortimer, a further +developement of facts relative to Sparkle and his Bride transpired; in +which it appeared that they had arrived at their place of destination, +and had forwarded an invitation to his brother-in-law to ~405~~ pay them +an early visit, and who proposed starting in a few days. + +“Well,” said Dashall, “we will all go together, and no doubt with our +old friend Sparkle we shall be able to endure the unchanging prospects +of a country life.” + + “In the Country how blest, when it rains in the fields, + To feast upon transports that shuttle-cock yields; + Or go crawling from window to window, to see + An ass on a common, a crow on a tree. + + In the Country you're nail'd, like some pale in your park, + To some stick of a neighbour, crammed into the ark; + And if you are sick, or in fits tumble down, + You reach death ere the Doctor can reach you from town.” + +“Never mind,” cried Tallyho, “a change of scene will no doubt be useful, +and, at all events, by enduring the one, we may learn more judiciously +to appreciate the other.” + +“True,” said Tom, “and I shall like myself all the better for being +in good company. But pray, Mr. Mortimer, what do you mean to do at the +approaching masquerade?” + +“Not quite decided yet,” was the reply. + +“You go, of course?” + +“Certainly--as Orpheus, or Apollo. But pray what character do you intend +to sustain?” + +“That's a secret--” + +“Worth knowing, I suppose--well, well, I shall find you out, never +fear.” + +“Time's a tell-tale,” said Dashall, “and will most likely unfold all +mysteries; but I always think the life and spirit of a masquerade is +much injured by a knowledge of the characters assumed by friends, unless +it be where two or more have an intention of playing, as it were, +to, and with each other; for where there is mystery, there is always +interest. I shall therefore propose that we keep to ourselves the +characters in which we mean to appear; for I am determined, if possible, +to have a merry night of it.” + + “On the lightly sportive wing, + At pleasure's call we fly; + Hark! they dance, they play, they sing, + In merry merry revelry; + Hark! the tabors lively beat, + And the flute in numbers sweet, + Fill the night with delight + At the Masquerade. + Let the grave ones warn us as they may, + Of every harmless joy afraid; + Whilst we're young and gay, + We'll frolic and play + At the Masquerade.” + +~406~~ Tom's observations upon this subject were in perfect accordance +with those of. Mortimer and Tallyho; though he had intended to consult +his Cousin as to the character he should appear in, he now determined +to take his own direction, or to have advice from Fentum in the Strand, +whose advertisements to supply dresses, &c. he had observed in the +newspapers. + +These preliminaries being decided upon, as far as appeared needful at +the moment, Mortimer departed towards home, where he expected to meet +his Uncle upon his return from the chase after the fugitives, Sparkle +and Miss Mortimer, now Mrs. Sparkle; and Tom and Bob to Piccadilly, +where a select party of Dashall's friends were invited to dinner, and +where they enjoyed a pleasant evening, drank rather freely, and had but +little to regret after it, except certain qualmish feelings of the head +and stomach the next morning. + +The anticipated Masquerade had been the principal subject of +conversation, so long as reason held her sway; but the hard exercise of +the arm, and the generosity of the wine, had an early and visible effect +upon some of the party, who did not separate till a late hour, leaving +Bob just strength and intelligence enough to find the way to his +dormitory. + +By the arrival of the appointed evening for the grand Masquerade at +Vauxhall Gardens, Tom Dashall, who had a particular view in keeping +his intended proceedings a secret, had arranged all to his wishes, and +anticipated considerable amusement from the interest he should take +in the safety of his Cousin, whom he entertained no doubt of quickly +discovering, and with whom he determined to promote as much mirth as +possible. + +Tallyho, in the mean time, had also made occasional calls upon Merrywell +in his confinement, and, under his direction, been preparing for the +occasion, equally determined, if possible, to turn the laugh on his +Cousin; ~407~~ and it must be acknowledged, he could scarcely have +found a more able tutor, though he was doomed rather to suffer by +his confidence in his instructor, as will hereafter be seen; for, in +escaping the intended torment of one, he was unexpectedly subjected to +the continual harassing of another. + +It was about half after eleven o'clock, when Tallyho, duly equipped in +his country costume, as a Huntsman, entered this splendid and spacious +scene of brilliancy. The blaze of light which burst upon him, and the +variety of characters in constant motion, appeared almost to render him +motionless; and several of the would-be characters passed him with a +vacant stare, declaring he was no character at all! nor was he roused +from his lethargic position till he heard a view halloo, which seemed +to come from a distant part of the Garden, and was so delivered, as +actually to give him an idea of the party being in pursuit of game, by +growing fainter towards the close, as if receding from him. The sound +immediately animated him, and answering it in a truly sportsman-like +style, he burst from his situation, and cracking his whip, at full speed +followed in the direction from which it came, under the impression that +he knew the voice of Dashall, and should discover him. In his speed, +however, he was rather rudely attacked by a small dandy personage, +whose outward appearance indicated some pretensions to manhood, with a +“Demmee, Sir, how dare you be rude to my voman! for egad I shall have +you clapped in the Round-house--here, Vatchman, take this here man in +charge--Vatch! Vatch!” The voice however soon told him he had a lady to +deal with, and he entered into a long harangue by way of apology. This +not being acceptable to the offended party, he was surrounded by a host +of Charleys springing their rattles all at once, and, notwithstanding +the dexterous use of his whip, he was obliged to yield. At this moment, +Tallyho was again sounded in his ears, issuing from another quarter; but +his struggles to pursue the party from whom it came were ineffectual. A +rough-hewn Sailor with a pipe in his mouth, and an immense cudgel in +his hand, however, arrived to his assistance, accompanied by an Irish +Chairman in a large blue coat, and a cock'd hat bound with gold lace, +armed with a chair-pole, who effected his liberty; and he again scoured +off in pursuit ~408~~ of his friend, but without success. He now began +to think his situation not altogether so pleasant as he could wish. He +listened to every voice, examined every form that passed him in rapid +succession; yet he felt himself alone, and determined not to be led away +by sounds such as had already occupied his attention, but rather to look +about him, and notice the eccentricities with which he was surrounded. +Sauntering along in this mood, he was presently assailed by a voice +behind him, exclaiming, “Bob-- + + “Bob, if you wish to go safely on, + Tarn round about, and look out for the Don.” + +Upon hearing this, he turned hastily around, and encountered a group +of Chimney-sweepers, who immediately set up such a clatter with their +brushes and shovels, dancing at the same time in the true May-day style +round him and a strapping Irish fish-woman, that he was completely +prevented from pursuit, and almost from observation, while a universal +laugh from those near him bespoke the mirth his situation excited; and +the Hibernian damsel, with true Irish sympathy, attempted to allay his +chagrin by clasping him in her brawny arms, and imprinting on his ruddy +cheek a kiss. This only served to heighten their merriment and increase +his embarrassment, particularly as his _Cher ami_ swore she had not had +a buss like it since the death of her own dear dead and departed Phelim, +the last of her four husbands, who died of a whiskey fever, bawling for +pratees and buttermilk, and was waked in a coal-shed. + +This mark of the Lady's favour was not so favourably received by +Tallyho, and, determined to make his escape, he gave Moll a violent +fling from him, overturned her and her basket, knock'd down two of the +Chimney-sweepers, and then with a leap as if he had been springing at +a five-barred gate, jumped over his late companion, who lay sprawling +among the flue-fakers, and effected his purpose, to the inexpressible +amusement of those, who, after enjoying a hearty laugh at him, now +transferred their risibility to those he left behind. Finding himself +once more unshackled, he smack'd his whip with enthusiasm, and repeated +his Tallyho with increased effect; for it was immediately answered, and, +without waiting for its final close, he found the person from whom it +was ~409~~ proceeding to be no other than a Turk, who was precipitately +entering one of the rooms, and was as quickly recognized by him to be +the Hon. Tom Dashall. The alteration which a Turkish turban and pelisse +had effected in his person, would however have operated as an effectual +bar to this discovery, had he not seized him in the very moment of +vociferation; and although his Cousin had been the chief cause of the +adventures he had already met with, he had at the same time kept an eye +upon Bob, and been equally instrumental in effecting his release from +embarrassment. + +“Come,” said Tom, “I am for a little gig in the Room--how long have +you been here?--I thought I should find you out, very few can disguise +themselves from me; we will now be spectators for half an hour, and +enjoy the mirth excited by others.” + +“With all my heart,” rejoined Bob, “for I am almost as tired already as +if I had spent a whole day in a fox-chase, and have run as many risks +of my neck; so that a cool half hour's observation will be very +acceptable.” + +They had scarcely entered the Room, as a Priscilla Tomboy passed them at +full speed with a skipping-rope, for whose accommodation every one made +way; and who, having skipped round the room to shew her fine formed +ancle and flexibility of limbs, left it for a moment, and returned with +a large doll, which she appeared as pleased with as a child of eight +or ten years of age. A Jemmy Jumps assured Tom, that his garments +were altogether unsuitable to the nation in which he was residing, and +recommended that he should not exist another day without that now very +fashionable appendage of a Gentleman's dress called stays--An excellent +Caleb Quotem, by his smartness of repartee and unceasing volubility of +speech in recounting his labours of a day--“a summer's day,” as the poet +says, afforded much amusement by his powers of out-talking the fribble +of a Staymaker, who, finding himself confused by his eternal clack, fled +in search of another customer. A Don Quixote was conferring the honour +of knighthood on a clumsy representative of the God of Love, and +invoking his aid in return, to accomplish the object of finding his +lost Dulcinea. An outlandish fancy-dressed character was making an +assignation with a Lady, who, having taken the veil and renounced the +sex, kindly consented to forego ~410~~ her vows and meet him again; +while a Devil behind her was hooking the cock'd-hat of the gay deceiver +to the veil of the Nun, which created considerable laughter, for as +they attempted to separate, they were both completely unmasked, and +discovered, to the amazement of Tallyho, two well-known faces, little +expected there by him--no other than Merrywell as the Dandy Officer, and +his friend Mr. Safebind as the Nun. The exposure rather confused +them, while Tom and Bob joined the merry Devil in a loud burst of +laughter--they however bustled through the room and were quickly lost. + +[Illustration: page410 Masquerade] + +A French _Frisseur_, without any knowledge of the language of the nation +from which he appeared to come, could only answer a question _a la +Françoise_ from the accomplished Tom Dashall, by a volume of scented +powder from his puff, which being observed by a Chimney-sweeper, +was returned by dust of another colour from his soot-bag, till the +intermixture of white and black left it difficult to decide which was +the Barber and which the Sweep. They were now suddenly attracted by a +grotesque dance between a Clown of the Grimaldi school and a fancy Old +Woman in a garment of patch-work made in an ancient fashion. A red nose, +long rows of beads for ear-rings, and a pair of spectacles surmounted by +a high cauled-cap, decorated with ribbons of various hues, rendered +her the most conspicuous character in the room: and notwithstanding +her high-heeled shoes, she proved herself an excellent partner for the +Clown. + +By this time, Bob, who was anxious to carry his plan into execution, +began to be fidgetty, and proposed a walk into the open air again. As +they left the room, his ears were attracted by the following song by a +Watchman, which he could not help stopping to catch, and which afforded +his Cousin an excellent opportunity of giving him the slip: + + “Fly, ye prigs,{1} for now's the hour, + (Tho' boosey kids{2} have lost their power,) + When watchful Charleys,{3} like the Sun, + Their nightly course of duty run + Beneath the pale-faced moon; + + 1 Prigs--Pickpockets. + + 2 Boosey kids--Drunken men. + + 3 Charleys--A cant term for watchmen. + + But take this warning while ye fly, + That if you nibble, click,{1} or clye,{2} + My sight's so dim, I cannot see, + Unless while you the blunt{3} tip me: + Then stay, then stay; + For I shall make this music speak,{4} + And bring you up before the Beak,{5} + Unless the chink's in tune. + + Now, ye rambling sons of night, + Or peep-o'-day boys{6} on your flight, + Well prim'd with Jack or Child Tom's juice, + While you the silver key{7} produce, + Your safety then is clear. + But snuffy,{8} and not up to snuff,{9} + You'll And your case is queer enough; + Shell out the nonsense;{10} half a quid{11} + Will speak more truth than all your whid:{12} + + Then go, then go; + For, if you linger on your way, + You'll for my music dearly pay, + I'll quod you, never fear.” + +Turning round with laughter from this character, who had attracted many +hearers, he look'd in vain for Dashall, and was not displeased to find +he had fled. He therefore hastily withdrew from the scene of merriment, +and according to the instructions previously received, and for which +he had prepared, quickly changed his dress, and appeared again in the +character of a Judge, under the impression hinted by his counsellor, +that the gravity of his wig and gown, with a steady countenance, + + 1 Click--A contraction of the word clicker, for a watch. + + 2 Clye--A pocket-handkerchief. + + 3 Blunt--Money. + + 4 Music--Alluding to the rattle. + + 5 Beak--A magistrate. + + 6 Peep-o'-day boys--Staunch good ones--reeling home after + the frolics of the night. + + 7 Silver key--Money which is thus termed, as it is supposed + to open all places, and all hearts. + + “If you are sick and like to die, + And for the Doctor send, + Or have the cholic in your eye, + Still money is your friend--is it not?” + + 8 Snuffy--Drunk. + + 9 Up to Snuff---Elevation of ideas. + + 10 Shell out the nonsense--To pay money. + + 11 Half a quid--Half a guinea. + + 12 Whid--Words or talk. + +~412~~ would be a quiet and peaceable part to get through, and shield +him from the torment of those whom Bob suspected willing to play tricks +with him should he be discovered. Here however he again found himself +at fait, for he had scarcely entered the Gardens, before a host of +depredators were brought before him for trial. The Charleys brought in +succession, drunken Fiddlers, Tinkers and Barbers; and appeals were +made to his patience in so many voices, and under so many varying +circumstances, that Justice was nearly running mad, and poor Tallyho +could find no chance of making a reply. An uproar from the approaching +crowd, announced some more than ordinary culprit; and, in a moment, who +should appear before him but a Don Giovanni, and the hooking Devil, Here +was a fine case for decision; the Devil claimed the Don as his property, +and addressed the Representative of Justice as follows:-- + +“Most learned and puissant Judge! + +“Protect my rights as you would the rights of man; I claim my property, +and will have my claim allowed.” + +“Hold,” replied Bob, “if that is the case, you have no occasion to +appeal to me--begone, black wretch, and in thy native shades yell forth +thy discordant screams.” + +“Most righteous Judge!--a second Daniel!” cried a bearded Shylock, with +his knife and scales, “he shan't escape me--I'll have my bond--so bare +his bosom 'next the heart'--let me come near him.” + +“This is playing the Devil, indeed,” said the Don. + +“By the Powers!” cried a 'Looney Mackwolteb,' “he's jump'd out of the +fire into the frying-pan; and, when the Smouchee has done wid him, he +may be grill'd in his own fat.” + +At this moment, a Leporello, who caught the last words of the Irishman, +burst into the presence of the Judge, singing-- + +“Zounds, Sir, they'll grill you now, lean or fat, I know what games you +were always at, And told you before what harm you would hatch: Now the +old Gentleman's found you out, He'll clap us all in the round-about; Let +us be off, ere they call for the Watch.” + +The word Watch was re-echoed in a thousand voices; the vociferations of +the callers, the noise of the rattles, ~413~~ and the laughter of +those immediately surrounding the judgment-seat, offered so good an +opportunity for escape, that Giovanni, determining to have another +chance, burst from the grasp of the arch enemy of mankind, to pursue +his wonted vagaries, to the no small gratification of Bob, who, without +actually acquitting the prisoner, rejoiced at his own escape. + +He had however scarcely time to congratulate himself, before he was +annoyed by a Postman, in the usual costume, whom he had already seen +delivering letters to the company; the contents of which appeared to +afford considerable amusement; and who, presenting a letter addressed +to The Lord Chief Justice Bunglecause, in a moment disappeared. Breaking +open the envelope, he read with astonishment the following lines:-- + + “Tho' justice prevails + Under big wigs and tails, + You've not much of law in your nob; + So this warning pray take, + Your big wig forsake, + And try a more modern scratch, Bob.” + +“Go along Bob--Lord Chief Justice Bob in a scratch,” cried a Waterman +at his elbow, (who had heard him reading) in a voice loud enough to be +heard at some distance. + +“There he'll be at home to a hair,” squeaked a little finicking +personification of a modern Peruquier, sidling up to him, picking his +teeth with a tortoise-shell comb. + +Bob, in bursting hastily away, under the reiterated cries of “Go along +Bob--Lord Chief Justice Bob,” with the idea of overtaking the Postman, +found himself in a moment lock'd in the close embraces of a Meg +Merrilies; while a little bandy-legg'd representative of the late Sir +Jeffery Dunstan, bawling out, Ould wigs, Ould wigs, made a snatch at the +grave appendage of Justice, and completely dismantled the head of its +august representative. This delayed him in his progress, but it was +merely to witness the wig flying in the air, with as much mirth to the +surrounding company as when the greasy night-cap of the Rev. George +Harvest was toss'd about the pit at the theatre, each one giving it a +swing who could get within reach of it. Thus mutilated in his ~414~~ +apparel, and probably conceiving, according to the song, + + “The wig's the thing, the wig, the wig, + The wisdom's in the wig,” + +Bob Tallyho took flight into a dressing-room, declaring justice was +abroad and propriety not at home. He was however rather at a loss, as +in his last character he had not been able to meet with the Turk, but +determined to resume the search in a 'Domino. Having therefore equipped +himself as a spectator, he again sallied forth with intention to explore +the room, and for a time remained comparatively unmolested; but as he +could no where find his Cousin, he strolled indiscriminately among the +characters, viewing whatever appeared amusing or interesting in his +way. The fineness of the weather greatly animated the scene, and +gave increased brilliancy and effect to the illuminations, which +were disposed in a numerous variety of splendid devices, representing +national trophies, stars, wreaths, and crowns of laurel. It was the +first moment he had found an opportunity of viewing the place in which +he had been acting. + +The amusements of the evening were judiciously varied, and protracted +by a constant succession of entertainments of various descriptions. Mr. +Chalons exhibited many of his most surprising deceptions in the rotunda; +where also young Gyngell displayed some capital performances on the +slack-wire. In the long room the celebrated fantoccini exhibition, with +groupes of quadrille dancers, enlivened the scene. In one walk of the +garden, Mr. Gyngell's theatre of arts was erected, where were exhibited +balancing, the _Ombres Chinoises_, gymnastic exercises, and other +feats, and Mr. Gyngell performed several airs on the musical glasses; in +another, Punchinello delighted the beholders with his antics; in a +third a very expert Juggler played a variety of clever tricks and +sleight-of-hand deceptions, and a couple of itinerant Italians exhibited +their musical and mechanical show-boxes; in another part of the gardens +the celebrated Diavolo Antonio went through his truly astonishing +evolutions on the _corde volante_. The Duke of Gloucester's fine +military band occupied the grand orchestra; an excellent quadrille band +played throughout the night in the long room, while a Scottish reel +band in the rotunda, and ~415~~ a Pandean band in the gardens, played +alternately reels, waltzes, and country dances. + +This interval of peace was truly acceptable to Bob, and he did not fail +to make the most of it, roving like the bee from one delight to another, +sipping pleasure as he went, almost regretting he had not taken the last +dress first, though he was every now and then importuned by Mendicants +and Servant girls, very desirous to obtain places of all work. The +introduction of a Dancing Bear, who appeared to possess more Christian +qualities than his Leader, attracted his attention; but, in pressing to +the scene of action, he received a floorer from a Bruiser in gloves, who +mill'd indiscriminately all who came in his way, till the Bear took the +shine out of him by a fraternal embrace; and his Leader very politely +asked those around which they thought the greater bear of the two. Upon +rising, Bob found himself in the hands of two itinerant Quack Doctors, +each holding an arm, and each feeling for his pulse. One declared the +case was mortal, a dislocation of the neck had taken place, and there +was no chance of preserving life except by amputation of the head. +The other shook his head, look'd grave, pull'd out his lancet, and +prescribed phlebotomy and warm water. + +Bob, who had received no injury, except a little contusion occasioned by +the blow, seized the ignorant practitioners by the throat, and knocking +their heads together, exclaimed with a stentorian voice, + +“Throw physic to the clogs, I'll none on't.” “Go along Bob,” was +repeated again, as loud and as long as before; he however burst from +those around him in pursuit of fresh game; nor was he disappointed, for +he presently found a dapper young Clergyman in gown and surplice, +and who, with book in hand, was fervently engaged in exhortations and +endeavours to turn from the evil of their ways a drunken Sailor and +a hardened thief, (the Orson of the Iron Chest,) when the group were +surrounded by a detachment of the Imps and Devils of Giovanni in London, +a truly horrid and diabolical crew, who, by their hideous yells, frantic +capers, violent gestures, and the flaring of their torches, scared the +affrighted Parson from his task, made his intended penitents their own, +and became an almost intolerable ~416~~ nuisance to the rest of the +company for the remainder of the evening. + +While he was thus engaged, the supper-boxes were thrown open, and the +company appeared to be all on the move towards the more substantial +entertainments of the evening. He was next suddenly detained by a Jew +Pedlar, who was anxious to shew him his wares. + +“Get out, Smouchee,” said Bob. + +“Ant is dat all vat you can say to a poor honesht Jew, what vants to +live by his 'trade, for vye you trow my religionsh in my teeth? I'm so +honesht vat I never cheats nobody--vill you puy a gould------l Vat you +take for your gown? I shall puy or sell, it's all the same to me. + +“Now whatsoever country by chance I travel through, 'Tis all the same to +I, so the monies but comes in; Some people call me tief, just because I +am a Jew; So to make them tell the truth, vy I tinks there is no sin. So +I shows them all mine coots vid a sober, winning grace, And I sometimes +picks dere pockets whilst they're smiling in my face.” + +Bob laugh'd, but declared he'd have nothing to do with him. + +“Then,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “you may go along Bob.” + +“What! is it possible? I have been looking for you these two hours.” + +“I can't eat pork,” said Dashall, resuming his character. + +“Come along,” said Bob, happy to find his relation; and catching him +by the arm, they proceeded to refreshment, and partook of an excellent +supper of cold viands plentifully supplied, and accompanied with a +profusion of ices and jellies, served up in a style highly creditable to +the managers. + +Here they were joined by Mortimer, who had been as frolicsome as any imp +in the Gardens, in the character of the Devil, but who had lost sight +of the Dandy Officer and the Nun, whom he had so ingeniously hooked +together. The wine was good, and after enjoying their repast, Tom +and Mortimer enshrined themselves in dominos for the remainder of +the evening. The usual masquerade frolics and dancing were afterwards +continued, and about five in the morning they left this region of fun, +mirth and good humour.~417~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + That Life is a picture of strange things and ways, + A grand exhibition, each hour displays; + And for London there's no place can with it compare, + 'Tis a jumble of every thing curious and rare. + Cheap-side Bustlers--Fleet Street Hustlers, + Jockeys, Doctors--Agents, Proctors, + Bow Street Slangups--Bond Street Bangups, + Hide and Seekers--Opera Squeakers, + Lawyers, Tailors--Bailiffs, Jailors, + Shopmen, Butlers--Alderman Gutters, + Patriot Talkers--Sunday Walkers, + Dancers, Actors--Jews, Contractors, + Placemen, Croakers--Boxers, Brokers, + Swindlers, Coroners--Spies, and Foreigners, + And all, all to keep up the bubble of strife, + And prove ways and means--is the picture of Life. + +THE bustle and merriment of the Masquerade were long remembered in the +mind of Bob Tallyho, and furnished frequent conversations between him +and his Cousin; and the laughable occurrences of the evening, in which +they had been engaged, were re-enjoyed in recollection, notwithstanding +the preparations they were making for an excursion of another kind +in the country, which though not exactly to the taste of Dashall, was +inflexibly persevered in by Tallyho. + +Tom tried every effort in his power to prolong the appointed period +of departure in A'ain. The heart and mind of his Cousin appeared to +be occupied with anticipated delights, which he described in the most +glowing colours of imagination. The healthful fields, the enlivening fox +chase, and the sportive exercises of a country life, were detailed with +ecstacy; and though last, not least, the additional zest for the more +attractive scenes (in Tom's idea) that would present themselves for +inspection upon a return to the Metropolis. At length it was finally +arranged that their country excursion should not exceed 418~~ one month +in duration, and that they would leave London time enough to reach +Belville Hall on or before the first day of September. + +Dashall, after consenting to this arrangement, finding there was not +much time to spare, was anxious to improve it in the pursuit of such +lively and interesting amusements as chance and accident might throw +in their way. “Come,” said he, a few mornings after the masquerade, “it +must not be said that you have been so long in London without viewing as +many of its important curiosities as the time would admit; though I am +sure we shall not have an opportunity of glancing at all those I could +point out, and I am pretty sure that persons from the country frequently +see more in a few days residence in the Metropolis, than those who have +inhabited it for their whole lives. We will therefore take a stroll out, +without any determined line of pursuit, and survey what chance may bring +in our way; for the places deserving of particular inspection are so +numerous, and lay in so many directions, that it is scarcely possible +for us to turn round without finding some objects and subjects yet in +store. + +Thus saying, and taking the arm of his Cousin, they walked along +Piccadilly in a direction for the City; for as it was a clear morning, +Tom, although he had not mentioned the road he meant to take, still had +an object in view. + +“It is certainly much to be deplored,” said he, as they were just +entering Leicester Square by Sydney's Alley, “that the abominable +nuisance of barrows being driven on the pavement cannot be removed; it +is a great shame that lusty and able fellows should be wheeling foul +linen, hogwash, and other filthy articles along the street, to the +annoyance and inconvenience of pedestrians.” + +“I am of your opinion,” replied his Cousin; “but during the short time +I have been here, I have discovered many other equally objectionable +annoyances. There is, for instance, the carrying of milk pails, which, +unless great care is taken, are so likely to break people's shins; and +in dirty weather the trundling of boys' hoops, to the discomfiture of +many a well-dressed Lady.” + +At this moment a butcher was passing with a tray heavily loaded, and Bob +narrowly escaped a blow from the projecting corner, which immediately +induced him to add that to the number of what he termed street ~419~~ +grievances, and almost to overturn both the carrier and his load. + +“A lucky escape,” said Dashall, “for you might have lost an eye by +coming in contact with that tray, and I wonder a stop is not put to the +probability of such fatal accidents. It is related that a certain +City Alderman, whose constitution, it may be presumed, is rather of a +combustible nature, by the alarms he spread during his mayoralty, of +the intention to burn the City of London, and destroy all its peaceable +inhabitants, thrashed a butcher who ran against him in the public +street. This it must be admitted was a summary mode of punishment, +although it was not likely to remove the nuisance; but there are still +many that are not enumerated in your list. Both by day and night in +the most frequented streets of the Metropolis and its environs, the +unoffending passengers of either sex are frequently obstructed on, or +absolutely pushed off the pavement by a trio of arm-in-arm puppies; +nay they will sometimes sweep the whole of the space from the wall +to the curb stone, by walking four abreast, a practice brutally +infringing the laws of civil society in pedestrian excursions through a +crowded Metropolis. + +“I have however with pleasure, upon some occasions, seen these vile +trespassers meet with a just resentment in the unexpected pugilistic +exertions of the insulted party; and have almost rejoiced to see them +packed into a coach and sent home with bruises, black eyes, and bloody +noses, serving, it is to be hoped, as wholesome lessons for their future +conduct. In some cases duels have arisen from this violation of decorum +in the King's highway, and by this means, scoundrels have been admitted +to the undeserved honour of being met on a level by gentlemen. + +“These,” continued he, “are the polite encroachers on the pavé.. There +are, however, many others, but of a less censurable, though certainly +of a finable description; such as journeymen bakers wheeling barrows +conveying the staff of life--publicans' boys collecting pewter +pots--lady drivers of similar vehicles, containing oysters, inferior or +damaged fruit, delicate prog for pug dogs, cats, &c. + +“After all, the most prominent offenders, or at least obstructors of +the public way, in my opinion, are those sturdy John Bulls, brewers' +servants, by means of ropes ~420~~ and pulleys affixed to their drays, +lowering down beer into, or drawing up empty casks from the cellars of +public-houses. Now although this may be unavoidable, ask one of these +bluff bipeds to let you pass, the consequence frequently will be, +instead of rough civility, an insolent reply accompanied with vulgar +oaths; in short, a torrent of abuse, if not a shove into the kennel; +perhaps a grimy rope thrown against your white stockings. Private, +emolument and convenience certainly ought to give way to public +accommodation.” + +“Confound that dustman's bell,” said Bob, as they passed down +Wych-street; “it is as bad as any thing we nave mentioned yet; it +absolutely deafens one.” + +“Oh, if you call noises nuisances, we may go on with a list from this +time to this day month, and scarcely comprehend them. The cries of +London are many of them very laughable, and many very lamentable, and by +way of contrast to the deafening dustman, take care of the bespatterings +from the mud cart. The garlick-eating rogues, the drivers of these +inconvenient conveniences, grinning horribly their ghastly smiles, enjoy +a most malicious pleasure in the opportunities which chance affords +them, of lending a little additional decoration from the contents of +their carts, by way of embellishment to a cleanly dressed passenger. +Therefore keep, if possible, at such a respectful distance as to avoid +the effects of this low envy, and steer clear of the mudlarks.” + +By this time they had passed through the line of leading thoroughfares, +and had St. Paul's in their view, when Tom took occasion to remark, “He +was sorry the scaffolding was not removed, or,” continued he, “we would +soon have mounted above these petty considerations, and looked down upon +the world. However, we can take a tolerable survey of the metropolis +from the Monument, and as it is not much farther, we may as well extend +our walk to that celebrated pillar, said to be one of the finest in the +world, and erected by Sir Christopher Wren in memory of the great +fire which in 1666 broke out at a house on the spot, and destroyed the +metropolis from Tower Hill to Temple Bar. From this pillar you will have +a fine panoramic view of London, Westminster, and Southwark; and as we +are about to leave its noise, its bustle, and its inconveniences in a +day or two, we may as well take a general survey.” + +~421~~ Bob having signified his consent to this proposal, they made the +best of their way to the Monument, where having deposited the customary +entrance money with the door-keeper, they were allowed to ascend by the +winding staircase to the top, when a prospect was presented to the eye +of Tallyho, of which he could not have formed any previous conception. +The view of the river as far as the eye could reach, each way, the +moving of the boats, the bustle and activity of the streets, and the +continued hum which arose to their ears, formed altogether a subject +of delightful contemplation; while the appearance of being as it were +suspended in the air, rendered it awful and terrific. Bob had almost +grown giddy in his ascension, and for some time took care to keep a +fast hold of the iron railings at top, in order to secure himself from +falling; till Dashall drew from his pocket a telescope, and directed +his attention to Greenwich Hospital, Shooter's Hill, and the public +buildings at a distance, where they were scarcely discernible by the +naked eye. Bob was delighted with the view of Greenwich Hospital, and +the account which his Cousin gave him of the establishment; and upon +descending they took a complete walk round this celebrated pillar, +marking its decorations and reading the inscription. + +“It is,” said Tom, “a fluted column of the Doric order; the total height +is 202 feet, the diameter at the base 15 feet, and the height of the +column 120 feet; the cone at the top, with its urn, are 42 feet; the +height of the massy pedestal is 40 feet; there are 345 steps inside; +but,” continued he, “it is really a great pity that this beautiful +Monument should be in such a confined situation, for in a proper +place it would form one of the most striking objects of the kind that +architecture is capable of producing. + +“The inscription, it is true,” continued Dashall, “had better be erased, +it contains a libel, or more properly a lie, which almost contradicts +itself, for no rational being can entertain the notion that the +Catholics, or indeed any religious sect, could wilfully have perpetrated +so horrible a deed as this pillar was intended to impute to them; nor +can so much credit be given to human foresight as for it to be concluded +that a fire, which broke out in a single house, could upon this, rather +than upon other occasions, have extended its ravages in so extraordinary +a manner.-- + +~422~~ While we arc on the spot we will take a peep at a curious piece +of antiquity; not that I am so great a lover of such curiosities, but it +would appear almost unpardonable for you to have been in London without +seeing London Stone.” + +“I have heard of it,” said Tallyho, “and if we are near, let us have a +view.” + +“Come on then,” said Dashall; “This same London Stone is at present +fixed close under the south wall of St. Swithin's Church, Cannon +Street. It has by some been supposed of British origin, a kind of solemn +boundary, or some other object probably of a religious nature, which +through every change and convulsion of the State has been preserved with +reverential care. But this is the very place,” said he. + +Bob stared about him with surprise, to discover this curious and +apparently valuable relic, without finding it, till at length his +Cousin directed his attention to the spot, which at present is under a +pitching-block, or resting-place for persons carrying heavy loads, and +almost burst into laughter, for he had raised his Cousin's expectation +by the previous description. + +“How!” said Tallyho, “and is this your curiosity?” + +“Even so,” replied Tom, “that is the celebrated London Stone; it +formerly stood nearer the middle of the street, was placed deep in the +ground, and strongly fixed with iron bars. According to account, the +first mention of it was in the reign of Ethelstan, king of the West +Saxons, and it has been usually viewed by our antiquaries as a military +stone, from which the Romans began the computation of their miles, a +conjecture which certainly appears very reasonable, not only from the +discovery of the Roman road after the year 1666, running directly to +this stone from Watling Street, but from the exact coincidence which its +distance bears with the neighbouring station, mentioned in Antonine's +Itinerary, the principal of whose Journeys either begin or end with +London.” + +The sound of a horn interrupted this conversation. + +“Apropos,” said Tom, “we can take the Post Office in our way, a place of +considerable importance; so allons.” + +They now pursued their way to Lombard Street. + +“This collection of buildings,” said Dashall, as they entered, +“important as its concerns are to the nation, claims no praise as a +building. It stands behind Lombard ~423~~ Street, from which, on the +south side of the street, there is a passage leading to it, under an +arched gateway. + +“A plan has, however, been adopted for erecting a building worthy of +this great establishment, on the site now called St. Martin's-le-grand, +and to improve the access to it by pulling down the east ends of Newgate +Street and Paternoster-Row. It is now proceeding rapidly. + +“The Post-office system is, however, one of the most perfect regulations +of finance and convenience existing under any government. It has +gradually been brought to its present perfection, being at first in the +hands of individuals, and replete with abuses. In its present form it +not only supplies the government with a great revenue, but accomplishes +that by means highly beneficial to the persons contributing. + +“The Post-office is the most important spot on the surface of the globe. +It receives information from all countries; it distributes instructions +to the antipodes; it connects together more numerous and distant +interests of men than any similar establishment. It is in the highest +degree hitherto realized, the seat of terrestrial perception and +volition--the brain of the whole earth; and hitherto it has been in a +narrow valley, misshapen even to deformity, and scarcely accessible to +the few mail coaches which collect there for their nightly freights. + +“The present Post-office was erected in 1660; but great additions have +been made to it from time to time, though the whole is disjointed and +inconvenient. + +“The mode of carrying letters by the General Post was greatly improved +a few years since, by a most admirable plan, invented by Mr. Palmer. +Previously to its adoption, letters were conveyed by carts, without +protection from robbery, and subject to delays. At present they are +carried, according to Mr. Palmer's plan, by coaches, distinguished +by the name of mail-coaches, provided with a well-armed guard, and +forwarded at the rate of eight miles an hour, including stoppages. +Government contracts with coach-keepers merely for carrying the mail, +the coach-owner making a profitable business besides, of carrying +passengers and parcels. It is not easy to imagine a combination of +different interests to one purpose, more complete than this. The +wretched situation, however, of the horses, on account of the length +of the stages which they are frequently driven, is a disgrace to the +character ~424~~ of the British nation, and requires the interference of +the legislature. No stage should exceed twelve miles in length. + +“The rapidity of this mode of conveyance is unequalled in any country, +and the present rate of charge for each passenger is little more than +sixpence per mile. + +“Houses having boxes, for receiving letters before five o'clock, are +open in every part of the Metropolis; and after that hour bell-men +collect the, letters during another hour, receiving a fee of one 'penny +for each letter. But, at the General Post-office, in Lombard Street, +letters are received till seven o'clock: after which time, till half an +hour after seven, a fee of sixpence must be paid; and from half after +seven till a quarter before eight, the postage must also be paid, as +well as the fee of sixpence.” + +“Well,” said Tallyho, “for a place of such public utility and constant +resort, I must confess I expected to see a building of the most +magnificent kind; but I am also puzzled to conceive how such extensive +business can be carried on with so much regularity as it is.” + +“Your observation,” replied his Cousin, “exactly coincides with that +of many others; but you will some day or other be as much surprised +on other subjects, for there are places in London where mercantile and +legal business is conducted in situations of obscurity, of which you can +have no conception; but as a national establishment, though its internal +regulations are good, its external appearance is no recommendation to +it. But come, let us proceed towards home, I have a call or two to make +on the road, for as we depart quickly for the open fields, and are to +bid adieu to London smoke as well as London Stone, we have but little +time to spare, so let us post away.” + +Bob, alive to this subject, did not require a second hint, but taking +the arm of Dashall, they proceeded along Cheapside, made a call at +Mortimer's, the Gun-smith's on Ludgate hill, provided themselves with +all necessary shooting apparatus; and Tom, ever mindful of the variety +which he conceived would be needful to render rusticity agreeable on +their way, purchased a pair of boxing gloves, a backgammon board, and +other amusing articles, to provide, as he said, against a rainy day. + +On arrival at home, they were presented with a letter from Sparkle, +announcing his arrival at his new mansion, and expressing a hope that he +should have the pleasure of ~425~~ meeting his friends within a day or +two; expatiating with great apparent delight upon the happiness of his +own situation, and promising lots of amusement, in detailing to them the +events of his peregrinations. This operated as an additional spur to the +speed of their departure, and it was agreed that they should start the +next morning. + +“I don't know,” said Bob, “whether I should really like a continued +Life in London; I have seen many of its comforts and many of its +inconveniences.” “Then,” replied Tom, “you may certainly, by the +exercise of your reason, and the decision of your judgment, upon mature +reflection, strike the balance; and if you do not give it in favour of +the former, I shall entertain doubts upon your sagacity.” + +“Well,” continued Bob, “I shall now have a fine opportunity for drawing +out a distinct account, and when done, I will submit the result to your +inspection.” + +Every thing being prepared, they were on the road to Belville Hall at an +early hour the next morning. + +As the occurrences of a Country excursion, or the delineation of a +Country Life, form no part of the intended plan of this Work, we shall +not enter into any detailed account; but leaving our Heroes in the +pursuit of fresh game, under new circumstances, and in somewhat +new situations, bear in our minds their intended return, to engage, +contemplate, and enjoy a future review of the complicated, yet ever new +and ever varying scenes of a Real Life in London, with a determination +to meet them on arrival, and not lose sight of them in their future +rambles. + +END OF VOL. I. + + + + + +REAL LIFE IN LONDON + +OR, THE + +FURTHER RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OF BOB TALLYHO, ESQ., + +AND HIS COUSIN THE HON. TOM DASHALL, ETC., THROUGH + +THE METROPOLIS; EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE + +OF FASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, MANNERS, AND + +AMUSEMENTS IN HIGH AND LOW LIFE + +BY an AMATEUR + +EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED WITH A SERIES OF + +COLOURED PRINTS, DESIGNED AND ENGRAVED + +BY MESSRS. HEATH, AIKEN, DIGHTON, + +BROOKE, ROWLANDSON, ETC. + +VOLUME II + +A NEW EDITION + +METHUEN & CO. LONDON + + + Chapter I. + + A return to the metropolis, 2. Instance of exorbitant + charges, 3. Field-marshal Count Bertrand, 4. Lines on the + late Napoleon, 5. A mysterious vehicle, 6. The devil in Long + Acre, 7. The child in the hay, 8. A family triumvirate, 9. + Egyptian monuments, 10. Relations of Gog and Magog + discovered, 11. The Theban ram, 12. Egyptian antiquities, + 13. Egyptian mummies, &c. 14. Curiosities of the museum, 15. + Statues of Bedford and Fox, 16. The knowing one deceived, + 17. Covent Garden Market, 18. Miss Linwood's exhibition, 19. + + Chapter II. + + Tothill-fields Bridewell, 20. Perversion of justice, 21. A + laudable resolution, 22. Success and disappointment, 23. A + story out of the face, 24. A critical situation, 25. A hair- + breadth escape, 26. Kidnappers, or crimps, 27. Summary + justice averted, 28. Swindling manoeuvres, 29. Estates, &c. + in nubibus, 30. Fetters and apathy, 31. Urchin thief + picking-pockets, 32. Juvenile depravity, 33. + + Chapter III. + + Life in St. George's Fields, 34. Chums--Day rules, &c. 35. + Hiring a horse--A bolter, 36. Characters of Abbot's priory, + 37. Introductory sketch, 38. The flying pieman, 39. + Commercial activity, 40. A cutting joke, 41. Magdalen + Hospital, 42. Curious anecdote, 43. Surrey Theatre, &c, 44. + Admixture of characters, &c. 45. + + Chapter IV. + + Entry to Abbott's park, 46. A world within walls, 47. + Finding a friend at home, 48. Exterior of the chapel, 49. A + finish to education, 50. The walking automaton, 51. The + parliamentary don, 52. The tape merchant, &c. 53. A morning + in the Bench, 54. Prison metamorphoses, 55. Friendly + congratulations, 56. Preparations for a turn to, 57. The + college cries, 58. Another real character, 59. A mutual + take-in, 60. A college dinner, 61. Free from college rules, + 62. A heavy-wet party, 63. Keeping the game alive, 64. An + agreeable surprise, 65. Harmony disturbed, 66. + + Chapter V. + + London munificence, 67. Vauxhall Bridge, 68. Millbank + Penitentiary, 69. Metamorphoses of time, 70. Cobourg + Theatre, 71. Retrospection, 72. Intellectual progress, 73. + Wonders of the moderns, 74. Bridge-Street association, 75. + Infidel pertinacity, 76. City coffee house, 77. St. Paul's + Cathedral, 78. Clockwork and great bell, 79. Serious + cogitations disturbed, 80. A return homeward, 81. + + Chapter VI. + + Westminster Abbey, 82. Monuments--Poets' corner, 83. Henry + Seventh's chapel, 84. Interesting prospect, 85. Fees exacted + for admission, 86. Westminster Hall--Whitehall, 87. Sir + Robert Wilson, 88. Temptations to depredation, 89. Sympathy + excited, 90. A sad story strangely told, 91. Fleet Street-- + Doctor Johnson, 92. Fleet Market, 93. The market in an + uproar, 94. The rabbit pole-girl, 95. Princess of + Cumberland, 96. Doubts of royal legitimacy, 97. Mud-larks, + picking up a living, 98. The boil'd beef house, 99. A + spunger, 100. Gaol of Newgate, 101. Jonathan Wild's + residence, 102. Entering the Holy Land, 103. The Holy Land, + 104. Salt herrings and dumplings, 105. Deluge of beer, 106. + Mrs. C*r*y, 107. Andrew Whiston, 108. + + Chapter VII. + + A dinner party, 109. Complimentary song, 110. Irish posting, + 111. Extraordinary robbery, 112. Follies of fashion--ennui, + 113. A set-to in a gambling house, 114. A nunnery--the Lady + abbess, 115. Life in a cellar, 116. Advantageous offer + rejected, 117. “Bilge water not whiskey,” 118. Aqua fortis + and aqua fifties, 119. A quarrel--appeal to justice, 120. + Finale of a long story, 121. + + Chapter VIII. + + An unexpected visitor, 122. Private accommodations, 123. The + hero of Waterloo, 124. “The lungs of the metropolis,” 125. + How to cut up a human carcass. 126. Resurrectionists, 127. A + perambulation of discovery, 128. Irish recognition, 129. A + discovery--Mother Cummings, 130. Wife hunting, 131. + Elopement, 132. Female instability, 133. Manouvres Return to + town, 134. Making the most of a good thing, 135. Ingenious + female shop-lifter, 136. + + Chapter IX. + + Thieves of habit and necessity, 137. A felicitous meeting, + 138. Shopping--Ludicrous anecdote, 139. A tribute of + respect, 140. Royal waxworks, Fleet Street, 141. Sir Felix + as Macbeth, 142. Irish love, 143. Apathy in the midst of + danger, 144. “No wassel in the lob,” 145. The bear at + Kensington Palace, 146. + + Chapter X. + + A change of pursuits, 147. Almack's Rooms, 148. A fancy- + dress ball, 149. Selection of partners, 150. Family + portraits, 151. A rout and routed, 152. Pleasures of + matrimony, 153. The discomfited Virtuoso, 154. + + Chapter XI. + + Frolics of Greenwich fair, 155. Dr. Eady--Wall chalking, + 156. Packwood and puffing, 157. Greenwich Hospital, 158. + Greenwich pensioners, 159. Veterans at ease, 160. The old + commodore, 161. “Fought his battles o'er again,” 162. The + Chapel--Hall, &e. 163. + + Chapter XII. + + An early hour in Piccadilly, 164. Cleopatra's needle, 165. A + modest waterman, 166. Interesting scenery, 167. Philosophy + in humble life, 168. Southwark Bridge, 169. London Bridge- + The Shades, 170. Itinerant musicians, 171. “Do not leave + your goods,” 172. Riches of Lombard Street, 173. Mansion + House, 174. Curious case in justice room, 175. A reasonable + proposition, 176. + + Chapter XIII. + + An hour in the Sessions House, 177. A piteous tale of + distress, 178. Low life, 179. Serious business, 180. A + capture, 181. Johnny-raws and green-horns, 182. Decker the + prophet, 183. A devotee in danger, 184. + + Chapter XIV. + + A morning at home, 185. High life, 186. Converting felony + into debt, 187. Scene in a madhouse, 188. Apathy of + undertakers, 189. A provident undertaker, 190. A bribe + rejected, 191. Antiquated virginity, 192. Arrangements for + Easter, 193. A Sunday morning lounge, 194. Setting out for + Epping hunt, 195. Involuntary flight, 196. Motley groups on + the road, 197. Disasters of cockney sportsmen, 198. A + beautiful crature of sixty, 199. Tothill-fields fair, 200. + Whimsical introduction, 201. Ball at the Mansion-House, 202. + + Chapter XV. + + Guildhall, 203. Palace Yard--Relieving Guard, 204. The + regions below, 205. An old friend in the dark, 206. Seeing + clear again, 207. A rattler, 208. + + Chapter XVI. + + Civic festivity, 209. Guildhall, 210. Council chamber-- + Paintings, 211. City public characters, 212. A modern + Polyphemus, 213. A classic poet, 214. Rhyming contagious, + 215. Smithfield prad-sellers, 216. Jockeyship in the east, + 217. A peep at the Theatre, 218. The Finish, Covent Garden, + 219. Wags of the Finish, 220. Smoking and joking, 222. + + Chapter XVII. + + A morning visit, 223. The fine arts, 224. Public + exhibitions, 225. Living artists, 226. Horse Guards-- + Admiralty, 227. Westminster Bridge, 228. Promenade Rooms, + 229. Improvements in the Park, 230. Ludicrous anecdote, 231. + A crazy fabric, 232. Regal splendour, 233. Marlborough + House, 234. Limmer's Hotel, 235. Laconic prescription, 236. + How to take it all, 237. How to get a suit of clothes, 238. + Ingenious swindling, 239. Talent perverted, 240. + + Chapter XVIII. + + The Harp, Drury Lane, 241. Wards of city of Lushington, 242. + The social compact, 243. A popular election, 244. Close of + the poll, 245. Oratorical effusions, 246. Harmony and + conviviality, 247. Sprees of the Market, 248. A lecture on + heads, 249. A stroll down Drury Lane, 250. A picture of real + characters, 251. “The burning shame,” 253. Ludicrous + procession, 254. + + Chapter XIX. + + An old friend returned, 255. A good object in view, 256. An + alarming situation, 257. Choice of professions, 258. Pursuit + of fortune, 259. Advantages of law, 260. A curious law case, + 261. Further arrangements, 262. + + Chapter XX. + + St. George's day, 263. Royalty on the wing, 264. Progress to + the levee, 265. An unfortunate apothegm, 266. How to adjust + a quarrel, 267. Wisdom in wigs, 268. A classical + acquaintance, 269. Royal modesty, 270. Ludicrous anecdote, + 271. A squeeze in the drawing-room, 272. Pollution of the + sanctorum, 273. Procession of mail coaches, &c. 274. A + parody, 275. Two negatives make a positive, 276. Remarkable + anecdote, 277. Marrow-bones and cleavers, 278. The king and + the laureat, 279. A remonstrance, 280. Hint at retrenchment, + 281. + + Chapter XXI. + + Diversity of opinions, 282. A fresh start, 283. A critique + on names, 284. The Cafe Royale, Regent Street, 285. A + singular character, 286. Quite inexplicable, 287. + Development, 288. Aquatic excursion, 289. A narrow escape, + 290. Tower of London, 291. The lost pilot found, 295. River + gaiety, 296. Rowing match, 297. + + Chapter XXII. + + The tame hare, 298. Ingenuity of man, 299. London sights and + shows, 300. Automaton chess player, 301. South sea bubble, + 302. New City of London tavern, 303. Moorfields, 304. + Epitaph collector, 305. Monumental gleanings, 307. + Voluminous collectors, 309. A horned cock, 310. + Extraordinary performance, 311. Female salamander, 312. + Regent's Canal, 313. Anecdote of a gormandizer, 314. Eating + a general officer alive, 315. A field orator, 316. + + Chapter XXIII. + + Munster simplicity, 317. A visit to an astrologer, 318. A + peep into futurity, 319. Treading-mill, 320. An unexpected + occurrence, 321. The sage taken in, 322. Statue of ill luck, + 323. A concatenation of exquisites, 324. How to walk the + streets, 325. How to make a thoroughfare, 326. Dog stealers, + 327. Canine knavery, 328. A vexatious affair, 329. How to + recruit your finances, 330. A domestic civic dinner, 331. + The very respectable man, 332. + + Chapter XXIV. + + Vauxhall Gardens, 334, Various amusements, 335. Sober + advice, 336. Fashionable education, 337. University + education, 338. Useful law proceedings, 339. How to punish a + creditor, 340. Exalted characters, 341. Profligacy of a + peer, 342. Mr. Spankalong, 343. Other characters of ton, + 344. Sprig of fashion, 345. An everlasting prater, 346. And + incorrigible fribble, 347. Kensington Gardens and Park, 348. + Statue of Achilles, 349. + + Chapter XXV. + + A medley of characters, 353. Fashionables, 354. More + fashionables, 355. More life in St. Giles's, 356. + Reconnoitring--a discovery, 357. Tragedy prevented, 358. + Fat, fair, and forty, 359. Philosophic coxcombs, 360 Blanks + in society, 361. + + Chapter XXVI. + + A ride, 362. Exceptions to trade rivalship, 363. Effects of + superior education, 364. Affectation in names, 365. + Portraits of governesses, 366. Road to matrimony, 367. + Villainy of private madhouses, 369. Appearances may deceive, + 370. + + Chapter XXVII. + + Pleasing intelligence, 371. Moralizing a little, 373. Cries + of London, 374. The Blacking Poet, 375. Literary squabble + 376. Curious Merchandise, 377. + + Chapter XXVIII. + + A new object of pursuit, 378. Royal visit to Scotland, 379. + Embarkation, 381. Royal recollections, 38, 2. + + Chapter XXIX. + + Port of London, 383. Descriptive entertainment, 384. A rea + swell party, 385. An Irish dancing master, 386. Female + disaster, 387. Blackwall--East India Docks, 388. Sir Robert + Wigram, 389. Domestic happiness, 390. West India Docks, 391. + Loudon Docks, 393. News from home, 394. + + Chapter XXX. + + Travelling preparations, 395. Whimsical associations, 396. + Antiquity and origin of signs, 397. Signs of altered times, + 398. Ludicrous corruptions, 399. A curious metamorphosis, + 400. A sudden breeze, 401. A smell of powder, 402. + + Chapter XXXI. + + An unexpected visitor, 403. Sketches of fashionable life, + 404. A Corinthian rout, 405. A Corinthian dinner party, 406. + A new picture of real life, 409. More wise men of the East, + 411. + + Chapter XXXII. + + Anticipation of danger, 415. Smoke without fire, 416. + Fonthill Abbey, 417. Instability of fortune, 419. Wealth + without ostentation, 420. Eccentricity of character, 421. + Extremes meeting, 422. + + Chapter XXXIII. + + Sketches of new scenes, 423. A critical essay on taste, 424. + The pleasures of the table, 425. A whimsical exhibition, + 426. Canine sobriety, 427. + + Chapter XXXIV. + + Anticipation, 428. Obligation, 429. Change of subjects, 430 + Magasin de Mode, 431. Bell, Warwick Lane, 432. Bull and + Mouth Street, 433. Bull and Mouth Inn, 434. Jehu chaff, 435. + Adieu to London, 436. + + + + +LIST OF THE PLATES + + The Ladder of Life Frontispiece. + + Illustrated Title Page. + + British Museum 10 + + King's-Bench Prison 62 + + King Charles's Crib 130 + + Blue Ruin + + Almack's Rooms 196 + + Easter Hunt + + Coster-mongers + + A Stroll down Drury-Lane 250 + + Presentation at the Levée 263 + + Ascot Races + + A Real Swell Party 386 + + Bull and Mouth Inn 434 + + + + +REAL LIFE IN LONDON + + + + +CHAPTER I + + With what unequal tempers are we form'd! + One day the soul, elate and satisfied, + Revels secure, and fondly tells herself + The hour of evil can return no more: + The next, the spirit, pall'd and sick of riot, + Turns all to discord, and we hate our being, + Curse our past joys, and think them folly all. + +~1~~MATTER and motion, say Philosophers, are inseparable, and the +doctrine appears equally applicable to the human mind. Our country +Squire, anxious to testify a grateful sense of the attentions paid +him during his London visit, had assiduously exerted himself since his +return, in contributing to the pleasures and amusements of his visitors; +and Belville Hall presented a scene of festive hospitality, at once +creditable to its liberal owner, and gratifying to the numerous gentry +of the surrounding neighbourhood. + +But however varied and numerous the sports and recreations of rural +life, however refined and select the circle of its society, they +possessed not the endless round of metropolitan amusement, nor those +ever-varying delights produced amid “the busy hum of men,” where every +street is replete with incident and character, and every hour fraught +with adventure. + +Satiety had now evidently obtruded itself amid the party, and its +attendants, lassitude and restlessness, were not long in bringing up the +rear. The impression already made upon the mind of Bob by the cursory +view he had taken of Life in London was indelible, and it required +little persuasion on the part of his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, +to induce him again to return to scenes of so much delight, and which +afforded such inexhaustible stores of amusement to an ardent and +youthful curiosity. + +~2~~A return to the Metropolis having therefore been mutually agreed +upon, and every previous arrangement being completed, the Squire once +more abdicated for a season his paternal domains, and accompanied by +his cousin Dashall, and the whole _ci-devant_ party of Belville Hall, +arrived safe at the elegant mansion of the latter, where they planned +a new system of perambulation, having for its object a further +investigation of manners, characters, objects, and incidents, connected +with _Real Life in London_. + +“Come,” cried Dashall, one fine morning, starting up immediately after +breakfast-- + + “----rouse for fresh game, and away let us haste, + The regions to roam of wit, fashion, and taste; + Like Quixote in quest of adventures set out, + And learn what the crowds in the streets are about; + And laugh when we must, and approve when we can, + Where London displays ev'ry feature of man.” + +“The numerous hotels, bagnios, taverns, inns, coffee-houses, +eating-houses, lodging-houses, &c. in endless variety, which meet +the eye in all parts of the metropolis, afford an immediate choice +of accommodation, as well to the temporary sojourner as the permanent +resident; where may be obtained the necessaries and luxuries of life, +commensurate with your means of payment, from one shilling to a guinea +for a dinner, and from sixpence to thirty shillings a night for a +lodging! + +“The stranger recommended to one of these hotels, who regales himself +after the fatigues of a journey with moderate refreshment, and retires +to rest, and preparing to depart in the morning, is frequently surprised +at the longitudinal appearance and sum total of his bill, wherein every +item is individually stated, and at a rate enormously extravagant. +Remonstrance is unavailable; the charges are those common to the house, +and in failure of payment your luggage is under detention, without +the means of redress; ultimately the bill must be paid, and the only +consolation left is, that you have acquired a useful, though +expensive lesson, how to guard in future against similar exaction and +inconvenience.”{1} + + 1 Marlborough Street.--Yesterday, Mrs. Hickinbottom, the + wife of Mr. Hickinbottom, the keeper of the St. Petersburgh + Hotel in Dover Street, Piccadilly, appeared to a summons to + answer the complaint of a gentleman for unlawfully detaining + his luggage under the following circumstances: The + complainant stated, that on Thursday evening last, on his + arrival in town from Aberdeen, he went to the White Horse + Cellar, Piccadilly; but the house being full, he was + recommended to the St. Petersburgh Hotel in Dover Street; + where, having taken some refreshment and wrote a letter, he + went to bed, and on the following morning after break-fast, + he desired the waiter to bring him his bill, which he did, + and the first item that presented itself was the moderate + charge of one pound ten shillings for his bed; and then + followed, amongst many others, sixpence for a pen, a + shilling for wax, a shilling for the light, and two and + sixpence for other lights; so that the bill amounted in the + whole to the sum of two pounds one shilling for his night's + lodging! To this very exorbitant charge he had refused to + submit; in consequence of which he had been put to great + inconvenience by the detention of his luggage. The + magistrate animadverted with much severity on such + extravagant charges on the part of the tavern-keeper, and + advised that upon the gentleman paying fifteen shillings, + the things might be immediately delivered up. To these + terms, however, Mrs. Hickinbottom refused to accede, adding + at the same time, that the gentleman had only been charged + the regular prices of the house, and that she should insist + upon the whole amount of the bill being paid, for that the + persons who were in the habit of coming to their house never + objected to such, the regular price of their lodgings being + ten guineas per week! The magistrate lamented that he had + no power to enforce the things being given up, but he + recommended the complainant to bring an action against the + tavern-keeper for the detention. + +~3~~ These were the observations directed by Dashall to his friend, +as they passed, one morning, the _Hotel de la Sabloniere_ in Leicester +Square. + +“Doubtless,” he continued, “in those places of affluent resort, the +accommodations are in the first style of excellence; yet with reference +to comfort and sociability, were I a country gentleman in the habit of +occasionally visiting London, my temporary domicile should be the snug +domesticated Coffee-house, economical in its charges and pleasurable in +the variety of its visitors, where I might, at will, extend or abridge +my evening intercourse, and in the retirement of my own apartment feel +myself more at home than in the vacuum of an hotel.” + +The attention of our perambulators, in passing through the Square, was +attracted by a fine boy, apparently about eight years of age, dressed in +mourning, who, at the door of Brunet's Hotel, was endeavouring with +all his little strength and influence to oppose the egress of a large +Newfoundland dog, that, indignant of restraint, seemed desirous in a +strange land of introducing himself to ~4~~ canine good fellowship. The +boy, whose large dark eyes were full of animation, and his countenance, +though bronzed, interestingly expressive, remonstrated with the dog in +the French language. “The animal does not understand you,” exclaimed +Tallyho, in the vernacular idiom of the youth, “Speak to him in +English.” “He must be a clever dog,” answered the boy, “to know English +so soon, for neither him nor I have been in England above a week, and +for the first time in our lives.”--“And how is it,” asked Tallyho, +“that you speak the English language so fluently?” “O,” said the little +fellow, “my mother taught it me; she is an English woman, and for that +reason I love the English, and am much fonder of talking their language +than my own.” There was something extremely captivating in the boy. The +dog now struggling for freedom was nearly effecting his release, +when the two friends interposed their assistance, and secured the +pre-meditating fugitive at the moment when, to inquire the cause of the +bustle, the father of the child made his appearance in the person +of Field Marshal Count Bertrand. The Count, possessing all the +characteristics of a gentleman, acknowledged politely the kind attention +of the strangers to his son, while, on the other hand, they returned +his obeisance with the due respect excited by his uniform friendship and +undeviating attachment to greatness in adversity. The discerning eye +of Field Marshal Bertrand justly appreciated the superior rank of the +strangers, to whom he observed, that during the short period he had then +been in England, he had experienced much courtesy, of which he should +always retain a grateful recollection. This accidental interview was +creative of reciprocal satisfaction, and the parties separated, not +without an invitation on the part of the boy, that his newly found +acquaintances would again visit the “friends of the Emperor.”{1}~5~~ + + 1 LINES SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY + THE EX-EMPEROR NAPOLEON IN HIS LAST ILLNESS. + + Too slowly the tide of existence recedes + For him in captivity destined to languish, + The Exile, abandon'd of fortune, who needs + The friendship of Death to obliviate his anguish. + Yet, even his last moments unmet by a sigh, + Napoleon the Great uncomplaining shall die! + + Though doom'd on thy rock, St. Helena, to close + My life, that once presag'd ineffable glory, + Unvisited here though my ashes repose, + No tablet to tell the lone Exile's sad story,-- + Napoleon Buonaparte--still shall the name + Exist on the records immortal of Fame! + + Posterity, tracing the annals of France, + The merits will own of her potent defender; + Her greatness pre-eminent skill'd to advance, + Creating, sustaining, her zenith of splendour; + Who patroniz'd arts, and averted alarms, + Till crush'd by the union of nations in arms! + + I yield to my fate! nor should memory bring + One moment of fruitless and painful reflection + Of what I was lately--an Emperor and King, + Unless for the bitter, yet fond recollection + Of those, who my heart's best endearments have won, + Remote from my death-bed--my Consort and SON! + + Denied in their arms even to breathe my last sigh, + No relatives' solace my exit attending; + With strangers sojourning, 'midst strangers I die, + No tear of regret with the last duties blending. + To him, the lorn Exile, no obsequies paid, + Whose fiat a Universe lately obey'd! + + Make there then my tomb, where the willow trees wave, + And, far in the Island, the streamlet meanders; + If ever, by stealth, to my green grassy grave + Some kind musing spirit of sympathy wanders-- + “Here rests,” he will say, “from Adversity's pains, + Napoleon Buonaparte's mortal remains!” + + We have no disposition to enter into the character of the + deceased Ex-Emperor; history will not fail to do justice + alike to the merits and the crimes of one, who is inevitably + destined to fill so portentous a page on its records. At the + present time, to speak of the good of which he may have been + either the intentional or the involuntary instrument, + without some bias of party feeling would be impossible. + + “Hard is his fate, on whom the public gaze + Is fix'd for ever, to condemn or praise; + Repose denies her requiem to his name, + And folly loves the martyrdom of fame.” + + At all events, he is now no more; and “An English spirit + wars not with the dead.” + +“The Count,” said Dashall to his Cousin, as they pursued their walk, +“remains in England until he obtain ~6~~ permission from the King of +France to return to his native country: that such leave will be given, +there is little doubt; the meritorious fidelity which the Count has +uniformly exemplified to his late unfortunate and exiled Master, +has obtained for him universal esteem, and the King of France is too +generous to withhold, amidst the general feeling, his approbation.” + +Passing through Long Acre in their progress towards the British Museum, +to which national establishment they had cards of admission, the two +friends were intercepted in their way by a concourse at a coach-maker's +shop, fronting which stood a chariot carefully matted round the +body, firmly sewed together, and the wheels enveloped in hay-bands, +preparatory to its being sent into the country. Scarcely had these +precautionary measures of safety been completed, when a shrill cry, +as if by a child inside the vehicle, was heard, loud and continuative, +which, after the lapse of some minutes, broke out into the urgent and +reiterated exclamation of--“Let me out!--I shall be suffocated!--pray +let me out!” + +The workmen, who had packed up the carriage, stared at each other in +mute and appalling astonishment; they felt conscious that no child was +within the vehicle; and when at last they recovered from the stupor of +amazement, they resisted the importunity of the multitude to strip the +chariot, and manfully swore, that if any one was inside, it must be +the Devil himself, or one of his imps, and no human or visible being +whatsoever. + +Some, of the multitude were inclined to a similar opinion. The +crowd increased, and the most intense interest was depicted in every +countenance, when the cry of “Let me out!--I shall die!--For heaven's +sake let me out!” was audibly and vehemently again and again repeated. + +The impatient multitude now began to cut away the matting; when the +workmen, apprehensive that the carriage might sustain some damage from +the impetuosity of their proceedings, took upon themselves the act of +dismantling the mysterious machine; during which operation, the cry of +“Let me out!” became more and more clamorously importunate. At last +the vehicle was laid bare, and its door thrown open; when, to the utter +amazement of the crowd, no child was there--no trace was to be seen of +aught, human or super-human! The ~7~~ assemblage gazed on the vacant +space from whence the sounds had emanated, in confusion and dismay. +During this momentary suspense, in which the country 'Squire +participated, a voice from some invisible agent, as if descending the +steps of the carriage, exclaimed--“Thank you, my good friends, I am very +much obliged to you--I shall now go home, and where my home is you will +all know by-and-by!” + +With the exception of Dashall and Tallyho, the minds of the spectators, +previously impressed with the legends of superstition and diablerie, +gave way under the dread of the actual presence of his satanic majesty; +and the congregated auditors of his ominous denunciation instantaneously +dispersed themselves from the scene of witchery, and, re-assembling in +groupes on distant parts of the street, cogitated and surmised _on the +Devil's visit to the Coachmakers of Long Acre!_ + +Tallyho now turned an inquisitive eye on his Cousin, who answered the +silent and anxious enquiry with an immoderate fit of laughter, declaring +that this was the best and most ingenious hoax of any he had ever +witnessed, and that he would not have missed, on any consideration +whatsoever, the pleasure of enjoying it. “The Devil in Long Acre!--I +shall never forget it,” exclaimed the animated Cousin of the staring and +discomfited 'Squire. + +“Explain, explain,” reiterated the 'Squire, impatiently. + +“You shall have it in one word,” answered Dashall--“Ventriloquism!”{1} + + 1 This hoax was actually practised by a Ventriloquist in the + manner described. It certainly is of a less offensive nature + than that of many others which have been successfully + brought for-ward in the Metropolis, the offspring of folly + and idleness.--“A fellow,” some years ago, certainly not “of + infinite humour,” considering an elderly maiden lady of + Berner Street a “fit and proper subject” on whom to + exercise his wit, was at the trouble of writing a vast + number of letters to tradesmen and others, magistrates and + professional men, ordering from the former various goods, + and requiring the advice, in a case of emergency, of the + latter, appointing the same hour, to all, of attendance; so + that, in fact, at the time mentioned, the street, to the + annoy-ance and astonishment of its inhabitants, was crowded + with a motley group of visitants, equestrian and pedestrian, + all eagerly pressing forward to their destination, the old + lady's place of residence. In the heterogeneous assemblage + there were seen Tradesmen of all denominations, accompanied + by their Porters, bearing various articles of household + furniture; Counsellors anticipating fees; Lawyers engaged + to execute the last will and testament of the heroine of the + drama, and, not the least conspicuous, an Undertaker + preceded by his man with a coffin; and to crown the whole, + “though last not least in our esteem,” the then Lord Mayor of + London, who, at the eager desire of the old Lady, had, with + a commendable feeling of humanity, left his civic dominions, + in order to administer, in a case of danger and difficulty, + his consolation and assistance. When, behold! the clue was + unravelled, the whole turn'd out an hoax, and the Author + still remains in nubibus!!! + +~8~~ “And who could have been the artist?” enquired Tallyho. + +“Nay,” answered his friend, “that is impossible to say; some one in the +crowd, but the secret must remain with himself; neither do I think it +would have been altogether prudent his revealing it to his alarmed and +credulous auditory.” + +“A Ventriloquist,” observed the 'Squire, “is so little known in the +country, that I had lost all reminiscence of his surprising powers; +however, I shall in future, from the occurrence of to-day, resist +the obtrusion of superstition, and in all cases of 'doubtful dilemma' +remember the Devil in Long Acre!”{l} + +“Well resolved,” answered Dashall; and in a few minutes they +gained Great Russel Street, Bloomsbury, without further incident or +interruption. + + 1 The child in the hat.--Not long since, a Waggoner coming + to town with a load of hay, was overtaken by a stranger, who + entered into familiar conversation with him. They had not + pro-ceeded far, when, to the great terror of Giles Jolt, a + plaintive cry, apparently that of a child, issued from the + waggon. “Didst hear that, mon?” exclaimed Giles. The cry was + renewed--“Luord! Luord! an there be na a babe aneath the + hay, I'se be hanged; lend us a hand, mon, to get un out, for + God's sake!” The stranger very promptly assisted in + unloading the waggon, but no child was found. The hay now + lay in a heap on the road, from whence the cry was once more + long and loudly reiterated! In eager research, Giles next + proceeded to scatter the hay over the road, the cry still + continuing; but when, at last, he ascertained that the + assumed infantine plaint was all a delusion, his hair stood + erect with horror, and, running rapidly from his companion, + announced that he had been associated on the road by the + Devil, for that none else could play him such a trick! It + was not without great difficulty that the people to whom he + told this strange story prevailed on him to return, at last, + to his waggon and horses; he did so with manifest + reluctance. To his indescribable relief, his infernal + companion hail vanished in the person of the Ventriloquist, + and Jolt still believes in the supernatural visitation! + +~9~~ Amongst the literary and scientific institutions of the Metropolis, +the British Museum, situated in Great Russel Street, Bloomsbury, stands +pre-eminent. + +Entering the spacious court, our two friends found a party in waiting +for the Conductor. Of the individuals composing this party, the +reconnoitering eye of Dashall observed a trio, from whence he +anticipated considerable amusement. It was a family triumvirate, formed +of an old Bachelor, whose cent per cent ideas predominated over every +other, wheresoever situated or howsoever employed; his maiden Sister, +prim, starch and antiquated; and their hopeful Nephew, a +complete coxcomb, that is, in full possession of the requisite +concomitants--ignorance and impudence, and arrayed in the first style of +the most exquisite dandyism. This delectable triumviri had emerged from +their chaotic recess in Bearbinder-lane; the Exquisite, to exhibit his +sweet person along with the other curiosities of the Museum; his maiden +Aunt, to see, as she expressed it, the “_He-gipsyian munhuments, +kivered with kerry-glee-fix_;” and her Brother, to ascertain whether, +independent of outlandish baubles, gimcracks and gewgaws, there was any +thing of substantiality with which to enhance the per contra side in the +Account Current between the British Museum and the Public! + +Attaching themselves to this respectable trio, Dashall and Tallyho +followed, with the other visitants, the Guide, whose duty it that +day was to point out the various curiosities of this great national +institution. + +The British Museum was established by act of parliament, in 1753, in +pursuance of the will of Sir Hans Sloane, who left his museum to +the nation, on condition that Parliament should pay 20,000L. to his +Executors, and purchase a house sufficiently commodious for it. The +parliament acted with great liberality on the occasion; several other +valuable collections were united to that of Sir Hans Sloane, and the +whole establishment was completed for the sum of 85,000L. raised by +lottery. At the institution of this grand treasury of learning, it +was proposed that a competent part of 1800L. the annual sum granted by +parliament for the support of the house, should be appropriated for +the purchase of new books; but the salaries necessary for the officers, +together with the contingent expenses, have always exceeded the +allowance; so that the Trustees have been repeatedly ~10~~ obliged to +make application to defray the necessary charges. + +Mr. Timothy Surety, the before mentioned Bearbinder-lane resident, +of cent per cent rumination; his accomplished sister, Tabitha; his +exquisite nephew, Jasper; and the redoubtable heroes of our eventful +history, were now associated in one party, and the remaining visitants +were sociably amalgamated in another; and each having its separate +Conductor, both proceeded to the inspection of the first and most +valuable collection in the universe. + +[Illustration: page10 British Museum] + +On entering the gate, the first objects which attracted attention +were two large sheds, defending from the inclemency of the seasons a +collection of Egyptian monuments, the whole of which were taken from +the French at Alexandria, in the last war. The most curious of these, +perhaps, is the large Sarcophagus beneath the shed to the left, which +has been considered as the exterior coffin of Alexander the Great, used +at his final interment. It is formed of variegated marble, and, as Mrs. +Tabitha Surety observed, was “_kivered with Kerry-glee-fix_.” + +“Nephew Jasper,” said his Uncle, “you are better acquainted with the +nomenclature, I think you call it, of them there _thing-um-bobs_ than I +am--what is the name of this here?” + +“My dear Sir,” rejoined the Exquisite, “this here is called a _Sark o' +Fegus_, implying the domicile, or rather, the winding-sheet of the +dead, as the sark or chemise wound itself round the fair forms of the +daughters of O'Fegus, a highland Chieftain, from whom descended Philip +of Macedon, father of Alexander the Great; and thence originated the +name subsequently given by the highland laird's successors, to the +dormitory of the dead, the Sark o' Fegus, or in the corruption of modern +orthography, Sarcophagus.” + +Timothy Surety cast an approving glance towards his Nephew, and +whispering Dashall, “My Nephew, Sir, apparently a puppy, Sir, but well +informed, nevertheless--what think you of his definition of that hard +word? Is he not, I mean my Nephew Jaz, a most extraordinary young man?” + +“Superlatively so,” answered Dashall, “and I think you are happy in +bearing affinity to a young man of such transcendent acquirements.” + +~11~~“D--n his acquirements!” exclaimed Timothy; “would you think it, +they are of no use in the way of trade, and though I have given him many +an opportunity of doing well, he knows no more of keeping a set of books +by double-entry, than Timothy Surety does of keeping a pack of hounds, +who was never twenty miles beyond the hearing of Bow bells in all his +lifetime!” + +This important communication, having been made apart from the +recognition of the Aunt and Nephew, passed on their approach, +unanswered; and Dashall and his friend remained in doubt whether or not +the Nephew, in his late definition of the word Sarcophagus, was in +jest or earnest: Tallyho inclined to think that he was hoaxing the old +gentleman; on the other hand, his Cousin bethought himself, that the +apparent ingenuity of Jaz's definition was attributable entirely to his +ignorance. + +Here also were two statues of Roman workmanship, supposed to be those +of Marcus Aurelius and Severus, ancient, but evidently of provincial +sculpture. + +Mrs. Tabitha, shading her eyes with her fan, and casting a glance askew +at the two naked figures, which exhibited the perfection of symmetry, +enquired of her Nephew who they were meant to represent. + +His answer was equally eccentric with that accorded to his Uncle on the +subject of the Sarcophagus. + +“My dear Madam!” said Jaz, “these two figures are consanguineous to +those of Gog and Magog in Guildhall, being the lineal descendants of +these mighty associates of the Livery of London!” + +“But, Jaz” rejoined the antique dame, “I always understood that +Messieurs Gog and Magog derived their origin from quite a different +family.” + +“Aunt of mine,” responded Jaz, “the lofty rubicunded Civic Baronet +shall not be 'shorn of his beams;' he claims the same honour with +his brainless brothers before us-he is a scion of the same tree; Sir +W*ll**m, the twin brothers of Guildhall, and these two sedate Gentlemen +of stone, all boast the honour of the same extraction!” + +Behind them, on the right, was a ram's head of very curious workmanship, +from Thebes. + +“Perhaps, Sir,” said Mrs. Tabitha, graciously addressing herself to +'Squire Tallyho, “you can inform us what may be the import of this +singular exhibition?” + +“On my honour, Madam,” answered the 'Squire, “I cannot satisfactorily +resolve the enquiry; I am a country ~12~~ gentleman, and though +conversant with rains and rams' horns in my own neighbourhood, have no +knowledge of them with reference to the connexion of the latter with the +Citizens of London or Westminster!” + +Jaz again assumed the office of expositor.--“My very reverend Aunt,” + said Jaz, “I must prolegomenize the required explanation with a simple +anecdote:-- + +“When Charles the Second returned from one of his northern tours, +accompanied by the Earl of Rochester, he passed through Shoreditch. On +each side the road was a huge pile of rams' horns, for what purpose +tradition saith not. 'What is the meaning of all this?' asked the +King, pointing towards the symbolics. 'I know not,' rejoined Rochester, +'unless it implies that the Citizens of London have laid their heads +together, to welcome your Majesty's return!' In commemoration of this +witticism, the ram's head is to the Citizens of London a prominent +feature of exhibition in the British Museum.” + +This interpretation raised a laugh at the expense of Timothy Surety, +who, nevertheless, bore it with great good humour, being a bachelor, and +consequently not within the scope of that ridicule on the basis of which +was founded the present sarcastic fabric. + +It was now obvious to Dash all and his friend, that this young man, +Jasper Surety, was not altogether the ignoramus at first presumed. They +had already been entertained by his remarks, and his annotations were +of a description to warrant the expectancy of further amusement in the +progress of their inspection. + +From the hall the visitors were led through an iron gateway to the +great staircase, opposite the bottom of which is preserved a model in +mahogany, exhibiting the method used by Mr. Milne in constructing the +works of Blackfriars' Bridge; and beneath it are some curious fragments +from the Giant's Causeway in Ireland. + +These fragments, however highly estimated by the naturalist and the +antiquary, were held in derision by the worldly-minded Tim. Surety, +who exclaimed against the folly of expending money in the purchase of +articles of no intrinsic value, calculated only to gratify the curiosity +of those inquisitive idlers who affect their admiration of every +uninteresting production of Nature, and neglect the pursuit of the main +chance, so necessary in realizing the comforts of life. + +~13~~ These sordid ideas were opposed by Dashall and the 'Squire, to +whom they seemed particularly directed. Mrs. Tabitha smiled a gracious +acquiescence in the sentiments of the two strangers, and Jasper +expressed his regret that Nuncle was not gifted and fated as Midas of +ancient times, who transformed every thing that he touched into gold! + +The Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities next attracted the attention of +the visitors. Over a doorway in this room is a fine portrait of Sir +William Hamilton, painted by Sir Joshua Reynolds. Dashall and Tallyho +remarked with enthusiasm on these beautiful relics of the sculpture +of former ages, several of which were mutilated and disfigured by the +dilapidations of time and accident. Of the company present, there stood +on the left a diminutive elderly gentleman in the act of contemplating +the fragment of a statue in a posterior position, and which certainly +exhibited somewhat of a ludicrous appearance; on the right, the +exquisite Jasper pointed out, with the self-sufficiency of an amateur, +the masculine symmetry of a Colossian statue to his Aunt of antiquated +virginity, whose maiden purity recoiling from the view of nudation, +seemed to say, “Jaz, wrap an apron round him!” while in the foreground +stood the rotunditive form of Timothy Surety, who declared, after a +cursory and contemptuous glance at the venerable representatives of +mythology, “That with the exception of the portrait of Sir William +Hamilton, there was not in the room an object worth looking at; and as +for them there ancient statutes,” (such was his vernacular idiom and +Bearbinder barbarism) “I would not give twopence for the whole of this +here collection, if it was never for nothing else than to set them up as +scare-crows in the garden of my country house at Edmonton!” + +Jasper whispered his aunt, that nuncks was a vile bore; and the +sacrilegious declaration gave great offence to the diminutive gentleman +aforesaid, who hesitated not in pronouncing Timothy Surety destitute of +taste and vertu; to which accusation Timothy, rearing his squat form +to its utmost altitude, indignantly replied, “that there was not an +alderman in the City of London of better taste than himself in the +qualities of callipash and callipee, and that if the little gemmen +presumed again to asperse his vartue, he would bring an action against +him tor slander and defamation of character.” The minikin man gave +Timothy a glance of ineffable disdain, and left the room. Mrs. ~14~~ +Tabitha, in the full consciousness of her superior acquirements, now +directed a lecture of edification to her brother, who, however, manfully +resisted her interference, and swore, that “where his taste and +_vartue_ were called in question he would not submit to any _she_ in the +universe.” + +Mrs. Tabitha, finding that on the present occasion her usual success +would not predominate, suspended, like a skilful manoeuvreist, +unavailable attack, and, turning to her nephew, required to know what +personage the tall figure before them was meant to represent. Jasper +felt not qualified correctly to answer this enquiry, yet unwilling to +acknowledge his ignorance, unhesitatingly replied, “One of the ancient +race of architects who built the Giant's Causeway in the north of +Ireland.” This sapient remark excited a smile from the two friends, +who shortly afterwards took an opportunity of withdrawing from further +intercourse with the Bearbinder triumviri, and enjoyed with a more +congenial party the remaining gratification which this splendid national +institution is so well calculated to inspire. + +Extending their observations to the various interesting objects of this +magnificent establishment, the two prominent heroes of our eventful +history derived a pleasure only known to minds of superior intelligence, +to whom the wonders of art and nature impart the acmé of intellectual +enjoyment. + +Having been conducted through all the different apartments, the +two friends, preparing to depart, the 'Squire tendered a pecuniary +compliment to the Guide, in return for his politeness, but which, to the +surprise of the donor, was refused; the regulations of the institution +strictly prohibiting the acceptance by any of its servants of fee or +reward from a visitor, under the penalty of dismissal.{1} + + 1 Although the limits of this work admit not a minute detail + of the rarities of the British Museum, yet a succinct + enumeration of a few particulars may not prove unacceptable + to our Readers. + + In the first room, which we have already noticed, besides + the Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities, is a stand filled + with reliques of ancient Egypt, amongst which are numerous + small representatives of mummies that were used as patterns + for those who chose and could afford to be embalmed at their + decease. + + The second apartment is principally devoted to works of art, + be-ginning with Mexican curiosities. The corners opposite + the light are occupied by two Egyptian mummies, richly + painted, which were both brought from the catacombs of + Sakkara, near Grand Cairo. + + The third room exhibits a rich collection of curiosities + from the South Pacific Ocean, brought by Capt. Cook. In the + left corner is the mourning dress of an Otaheitean lady, in + which taste and barbarity are curiously blended. Opposite + are the rich cloaks and helmets of feathers from the + Sandwich Islands. + + The visitor next enters the manuscript department, the first + room of which is small, and appropriated chiefly to the + collections of Sir Hans Sloane. The next room is completely + filled with Sir Robert Harley's manuscripts, afterwards Earl + of Oxford, one of the most curious of which is a volume of + royal letters, from 1437 to the time of Charles I.. The next + and last room of the manuscript department is appropriated + to the ancient royal library of manuscripts, and Sir Robert + Cotton's, with a few-later donations. On the table, in the + middle of the room, is the famous Magna Charta of King John; + it is written on a large roll of parchment, and was much + damaged in the year 1738, when the Cotton library took fire + at Westminster, but a part of the broad seal is yet annexed. + + We next reach the great saloon, which is finely ornamented + with fresco paintings by Baptiste. Here are a variety of + Roman remains, such as dice, tickets for the Roman theatres, + mirrors, seals for the wine casks, lamps, &c. and a + beautiful bronze head of Homer, which was found near + Constantinople. + + The mineral room is the next object of attention. Here are + fossils of a thousand kinds, and precious stones, of various + colours and splendours, composing a collection of + astonishing beauty and magnificence. + + Next follows the bird room; and the last apartment contains + animals in spirits, in endless variety. And here the usual + exhibition of the house closes. + +~15~~ Issuing from the portals of the Museum, “Apropos,” said Dashall, +“we are in the vicinity of Russell-square, the residence of my +stock-broker; I have business of a few moments continuance to transact +with him--let us proceed to his residence.” + +A lackey, whose habiliment, neat but not gaudy, indicated the +unostentatious disposition of his master,, answered the summons of the +knocker: “Mr. C. was gone to his office at the Royal Exchange.” + +“The gentleman who occupies this mansion,” observed Dashall to his +friend, as they retired from the door, “illustrates by his success in +life, the truth of the maxim so frequently impressed on the mind of the +school-boy, that perseverance conquers all difficulties. Mr. C, unaided +by any other recommendation than that of his own unassuming modest +merit, entered the very ~16~~ respectable office of which he is now +the distinguished principal, in the situation of a young man who has no +other prospect of advancement than such as may accrue from rectitude of +conduct, and the consequent approbation and patronage of his employer. +By a long exemplary series of diligence and fidelity, he acquired the +confidence of, and ultimately became a partner in the firm. His strictly +conscientious integrity and uniform gentlemanly urbanity have thus +gained him a preference in his profession, and an ample competency is +now the well-merited meed of his industry.” + +“Combining with its enjoyment,” responded the 'Squire, “the exercise of +benevolent propensities.” + +“Exactly so much so, that his name appears as an annual subscriber to +nearly all the philanthropic institutions of the metropolis, and his +private charities besides are numerous and reiterated.” + +“This, then, is one of the few instances (said the 'Squire) of Real Life +in London, where private fortune is so liberally applied in relief of +suffering humanity--it is worthy of indelible record.” + +Circumambulating the square, the two observers paused opposite the fine +statue of the late Francis Duke of Bedford. + +The graceful proportion, imposing elevation, and commanding attitude of +the figure, together with the happy combination of skill and judgment +by the artist, in the display on the pedestal of various agricultural +implements, indicating the favourite and useful pursuits of this +estimable nobleman, give to the whole an interesting appearance, and +strongly excite those feelings of regret which attend the recollection +of departed worth and genius. Proceeding down the spacious new street +directly facing the statue, our perambulators were presently in +Bedford-square, in which is the effigy of the late eminent statesman +Charles James Fox: the figure is in à sitting posture, unfavourable +to our reminiscences of the first orator of any age or country, and +is arrayed in the Roman toga: the face is a striking likeness, but the +effect on the whole is not remarkable. The two statues face each other, +as if still in friendly recognition; but the sombre reflections of +Dashall and his friend were broke in upon by a countryman with, “Beant +that Measter Fox, zur?” “His effigy, my ~17~~friend.” “Aye, aye, but +what the dickens ha've they wrapt a blanket round un vor?” + +Proceeding along Charlotte Street, Bloomsbury, the associates in +search of Real Life were accosted by a decent looking countryman in a +smock-frock, who, approaching them in true clod-hopping style, with a +strong provincial accent, detailed an unaffectedly simple, yet deep tale +of distress: + + “----Oppression fore'd from his cot, + His cattle died, and blighted was his corn!” + +The story which he told was most pathetic, the tears the while coursing +each other down his cheeks; and Dashall and his friend were about to +administer liberally to his relief, the former observing, “There can be +no deception here,” when the applicant was suddenly pounced upon by an +officer, as one of the greatest impostors in the Metropolis, who, with +the eyes of Argus, could transform themselves into a greater variety of +shapes than Proteus, and that he had been only fifty times, if not more, +confined in different houses of correction as an incorrigible rogue +and vagabond, from one of which he had recently contrived to effect his +escape. The officer now bore off his prize in triumph, while Dashall, +hitherto “the most observant of all observers,” sustained the laugh +of his Cousin at the knowing one deceived, with great good humour, and +Dashall, adverting to his opinion so confidently expressed, “There can +be no deception here,” declared that in London it was impossible to +guard in every instance against fraud, where it is frequently practised +with so little appearance of imposition. + +The two friends now bent their course towards Covent Garden, which, +reaching without additional incident, they wiled away an hour at +Robins's much to their satisfaction. That gentleman, in his professional +capacity, generally attracts in an eminent degree the attention of his +visitors by his professional politeness, so that he seldom fails to +put off an article to advantage; and yet he rarely resorts to the puff +direct, and never indulges in the puff figurative, so much practised by +his renowned predecessor, the late knight of the hammer, Christie, the +elder, who by the superabundancy of his rhetorical ~18~~flurishes, was +accustomed from his elevated rostrum to edify and amuse his admiring +auditory.{1} + +Of the immense revenues accruing to his Grace the Duke of Bedford, +not the least important is that derived from Covent Garden market. As +proprietor of the ground, from every possessor of a shed or stall, and +from all who take their station as venders in the market, a rent is +payable to his Grace, and collected weekly; considering, therefore, +the vast number of occupants, the aggregate rental must be of the first +magnitude. His Grace is a humane landlord, and his numerous tenantry +of Covent Garden are always ready to join in general eulogium on his +private worth, as is the nation at large on the patriotism of his public +character. + +Dashall conducted his friend through every part of the Market, amidst a +redundancy of fruit, flowers, roots and vegetables, native and exotic, +in variety and profusion, exciting the merited admiration of the +Squire, who observed, and perhaps justly, that this celebrated emporium +unquestionably is not excelled by any other of a similar description in +the universe. + + 1 The late Mr. Christie having at one time a small tract of + land under the hammer, expatiated at great length on its + highly improved state, the exuberant beauties with which + Nature had adorned this terrestrial Paradise, and more + particularly specified a delightful hanging wood. + + A gentleman, unacquainted with Mr. Christie's happy talent + at exaggerated description, became the highest bidder, paid + his deposit, and posted down into Essex to examine his new + purchase, when, to his great surprise and disappointment, he + found no part of the description realized, the promised + Paradise having faded into an airy vision, “and left not a + wreck behind!” The irritated purchaser immediately returned + to town, and warmly expostulated with the auctioneer on the + injury he had sustained by unfounded representation; “and as + to a hanging wood, Sir, there is not the shadow of a tree on + the spot!” “I beg your pardon, Sir,” said the pertinacious + eulogist, “you must certainly have overlooked the gibbet on + the common, and if that is not a hanging wood, I know not + what it is!” + + Another of Mr. Christie's flights of fancy may not unaptly + be termed the puff poetical. At an auction of pictures, + dwelling in his usual strain of eulogium on the unparalleled + excellence of a full-length portrait, without his producing + the desired effect, “Gentlemen,” said he, “1 cannot, in + justice to this sublime art, permit this most invaluable + painting to pass from under the hammer, without again + soliciting the honour of your attention to its manifold + beauties. Gentlemen, it only wants the touch of Prometheus + to start from the canvass and fall abidding!” + +~19~~ Proceeding into Leicester Square, the very extraordinary +production of female genius, Miss Linwood's Gallery of Needlework +promised a gratification to the Squire exceeding in novelty any thing +which he had hitherto witnessed in the Metropolis. The two +friends accordingly entered, and the anticipations of Tallyho were +superabundantly realized. + +This exhibition consists of seventy-five exquisite copies in needlework, +of the finest pictures of the English and foreign schools, possessing +all the correct drawing, just colouring, light and shade of the original +pictures from whence they are taken, and to which in point of effect +they are in no degree inferior. + +From the door in Leicester Square the visitants entered the principal +room, a fine gallery of excellent proportions, hung with scarlet +broad-cloth, gold bullion tassels, and Greek borders. The appearance +thus given to the room is pleasing, and indicated to the Squire a still +more superior attraction. His Cousin Dashall had frequently inspected +this celebrated exhibition, but' to Tallyho it was entirely new. + +On one side of this room the pictures are hung, and have a guard in +front to keep the company at the requisite distance, and for preserving +them. + +Turning to the left, a long and obscure passage prepares the mind, +and leads to the cell of a prison, on looking into which is seen the +beautiful Lady Jane Gray, visited by the Abbot and keeper of the Tower +the night before her execution. + +This scene particularly elicited the Squire's admiration; the deception +of the whole, he observed, was most beautiful, and not exceeded by +any work from the pencil of the painter, that he had ever witnessed. +A little farther on is a cottage, the casement of which opens, and the +hatch at the door is closed; and, on looking in at either, our visitants +perceived a fine and exquisitely finished copy of Gainsborough's Cottage +Children standing by the fire, with chimney-piece and cottage furniture +compleat. Near to this is Gainsborough's Woodman, exhibited in the same +scenic manner. + +Having enjoyed an intellectual treat, which perhaps in originality as +an exhibition of needlework is no where else to be met with, our +perambulators retired, and reached home without the occurrence of any +other remarkable incident.~20~~ + + + + +CHAPTER II + + “Look round thee, young Astolpho; here's the place + Which men (for being poor) are sent to starve in;-- + Rude remedy, I trow, for sore disease. + Within these walls, stifled by damp and stench, + Doth Hope's fair torch expire, and at the snuff, + Ere yet 'tis quite extinct, rude, wild, and wayward, + The desperate revelries of fell Despair, + Kindling their hell-born cressets, light to deeds + That the poor Captive would have died ere practised, + Till bondage sunk his soul to his condition.” + + The Prison.--Act I. Scene III. + +TRAVERSING the streets, without having in view any particular object, +other than the observance of Real Life in London, such as might occur +from fortuitous incident; our two perambulators skirted the Metropolis +one fine morning, till finding themselves in the vicinity of +Tothill-fields Bridewell, a place of confinement to which the +Magistrates of Westminster provisionally commit those who are supposed +to be guilty of crimes. Ingress was without much difficulty obtained, +and the two friends proceeded to a survey of human nature in its most +degraded state, where, amidst the consciousness of infamy and the +miseries of privation, apathy seemed the predominant feeling with these +outcasts of society, and reflection on the past, or anticipation of the +future, was absorbed in the vacuum of insensibility. Reckless of his +destiny, here the manacled felon wore, with his gyves, the semblance +of the most perfect indifference; and the seriousness of useful +retrospection was lost in the levity of frivolous amusement. Apart from +the other prisoners was seated a recluse, whose appearance excited the +attention of the two visitants; a deep cloud of dejection overshadowed +his features, and he seemed studiously to keep aloof from the +obstreperous revelry of his fellow-captives. There was in his manner +a something inducing a feeling of commiseration which could not be +extended to his callous ~21~~ companions in adversity. His decayed +habiliment indicated, from its formation and texture, that he had seen +better days, and his voluntary seclusion confirmed the idea that he +had not been accustomed to his present humiliating intercourse. His +intenseness of thought precluded the knowledge of approximation on his +privacy, until our two friends stood before him; he immediately rose, +made his obeisance, and was about to retire, when Mr. Dashall, with +his characteristic benevolence, begged the favour of a few moments +conversation. + +“I am gratified,” he observed, “in perceiving one exception to the +general torpitude of feeling which seems to pervade this place; and +I trust that your case of distress is not of a nature to preclude +the influence of hope in sustaining your mind against the pressure of +despondency.” + +“The cause of my confinement,” answered the prisoner, “is originally +that of debt, although perverted into crime by an unprincipled, +relentless creditor. Destined to the misery of losing a beloved wife +and child, and subsequently assailed by the minor calamity of pecuniary +embarrassment, I inevitably contracted a few weeks arrears of rent to +the rigid occupant of the house wherein I held my humble apartment, +when, returned one night to my cheerless domicil, my irascible landlord, +in the plenitude of ignorance and malevolence, gave me in charge of a +sapient guardian of the night, who, without any enquiry into the nature +of my offence, conducted me to the watch-house, where I was presently +confronted with my creditor, who accused me of the heinous crime of +getting into his debt. The constable very properly refused to take +cognizance of a charge so ridiculous; but unluckily observing, that had +I been brought there on complaint of an assault, he would in that case +have felt warranted in my detention, my persecutor seized on the idea +with avidity, and made a declaration to that effect, although evidently +no such thought had in the first instance occurred to him, well knowing +the accusation to be grossly unfounded. This happened on a Saturday +night, and I remained in duresse and without sustenance until the +following Monday, when I was held before a Magistrate; the alleged +assault was positively sworn to, and, maugre my statement of the +suspicious, inconsistent conduct of my prosecutor, I was immured in the +lock-up house for the remainder of the day, on the affidavit of ~22~~ +perjury, and in the evening placed under the friendly care of the +Governor of Tothill-fields Bridewell, to abide the issue at the next +Westminster sessions.” + +“This is a most extraordinary affair,” said the Squire; “and what do you +conjecture may be the result?” + +“The pertinacity of my respectable prosecutor,” said the Captive, “might +probably induce him to procure the aid of some of his conscientious +Israelitish brethren, whom 1 never saw, towards substantiating the +aforesaid assault, by manfully swearing to the fact; but as I have no +desire of exhibiting myself through the streets, linked to a chain of +felons on our way to the Sessions House, I believe I shall contrive +to pay the debt due to the perjured scoundrel, which will ensure my +enlargement, and let the devil in due season take his own!” + +“May we enquire,” said Dashall, “without the imputation of impertinent +inquisitiveness, what has been the nature of your pursuits in life?” + +“Multitudinous,” replied the other; “my life has been so replete +with adventure and adversity in all its varieties, and in its future +prospects so unpropitious of happiness, that existence has long ceased +to be desirable; and had I not possessed a more than common portion of +philosophic resignation, I must have yielded to despair; but, + +“When all the blandishments of life are gone, The coward sneaks to +death,--the brave live on!” + +“Thirty years ago I came to London, buoyant of youth and hope, to +realize a competency, although I knew not by what means the grand +object was to be attained; yet it occurred to me that I might be equally +successful with others of my country, who, unaided by recommendation and +ungifted with the means of speculation, had accumulated fortunes in +this fruitful Metropolis, and of whom, fifteen years ago, one eminently +fortunate adventurer from the north filled the civic chair with +commensurate political zeal and ability. + +“Some are born great; others achieve greatness, And some have greatness +thrust upon them!” + +“Well, Sir, what can be said of it? I was without the pale of fortune, +although several of my school-mates, who had established themselves +in London, acquired, by dint of perseverance, parsimony and servility, +affluent ~23~~circumstances; convinced, however, that I was not +destined to acquire wealth and honour, and being unsolaced even with +the necessaries of life, I abandoned in London all hope of success, and +emigrated to Ireland, where I held for several years the situation of +clerk to a respectable Justice of the Quorum. In this situation I lived +well, and the perquisites of office, which were regularly productive on +the return of every fair and market day, for taking examinations of the +peace, and filling up warrants of apprehension against the perpetrators +of broken heads and bloody noses, consoled me in my voluntary exile +from Real Life in London. I was in all respects regarded as one of the +family; had a horse at my command, visited in friendly intimacy the +neighbouring gentry; and, above all, enjoyed the eccentricities of the +lower Irish; most particularly so when before his honour, detailing, to +his great annoyance, a story of an hour long about a tester (sixpence), +and if he grew impatient, attributing it to some secret prejudice which +he entertained against them.{1} + + 1 Their method is to get a story completely by heart, and to + tell it, as they call it, out of the face, that is, from the + beginning to the end without interruption. + + “Well, my good friend, I have seen you lounging about these + three hours in the yard, what is your business?” + + “Plase your honour, it is what I want to speak one word to + your honour.” + + “Speak then, but be quick. What is the matter?” + + “The matter, plase your honour, is nothing at all at all, + only just about the grazing of a horse, plase your honour, + that this man here sold me at the fair of Gurtishannon last + Shrove fair, which lay down three times with myself, plase + your honour, and kilt me; not to be telling your honour of + how, no later back than yesterday night, he lay down in the + house there within, and all the children standing round, and + it was God's mercy he did not fall a-top of them, or into + the fire to burn himself. So, plase your honour, to-day I + took him back to this man, which owned him, and after a + great deal to do I got the mare again I swopped (exchanged) + him for; but he won't pay the grazing of the horse for the + time I had him, though he promised to pay the grazing in + case the horse didn't answer; and he never did a day's work, + good or bad, plase your honour, all the time he was with me, + and I had the doctor to him five times, any how. And so, + plase your honour, it is what I expect your honour will + stand my friend, for I'd sooner come to your honour for + justice than to any other in all Ireland. And so I brought + him here before your honour, and expect your honour will + make him pay me the grazing, or tell me, can I process him + for it at the next assizes, plase your honour?” + + The defendant now, turning a quid of tobacco with his + tongue into some secret cavern in his mouth, begins his + defence with + + “Plase your honour, under favour, and saving your honour's + presence, there's not a word of truth in all this man has + been saying from beginning to end, upon my conscience, and I + would not for the value of the horse itself, grazing and + all, be after telling your honour a lie. For, plase your + honour, I have a dependance upon your honour that you'll do + me justice, and not be listening to him or the like of him. + Plase your honour, it is what he has brought me before your + honour, because he had a spite against me about some oats I + sold your honour, which he was jealous of, and a shawl his + wife got at my shister's shop there without, and never paid + for, so I offered to set the shawl against the grazing, and + give him a receipt in full of all demands, but he wouldn't, + out of spite, plase your honour; so he brought me before + your honour, expecting your honour was mad with me for + cutting down the tree in the horse park, which was none of + my doing, plase your honour;--ill luck to them that went + and belied me to your honour behind my back. So if your + honour is plasing, I'll tell you the whole truth about the + horse that he swopped against my mare, out of the face:-- + Last Shrove fair I met this man, Jemmy Duffy, plase your + honour, just at the corner of the road where the bridge is + broke down, that your honour is to have the present for this + year--long life to you for it! And he was at that time + coming from the fair of Gurtishannon, and 1 the same way: + 'How are you, Jemmy?' says I. 'Very well, I thank you, + Bryan,' says he: 'shall we turn back to Paddy Salmon's, and + take a naggin of whiskey to our better acquaintance?' 'I + don't care if I did, Jemmy,' says I, 'only it is what I + can't take the whiskey, because I'm under an oath against it + for a month.' Ever since, plase your honour, the day your + honour met me on the road, and observed to me I could hardly + stand, I had taken so much--though upon my conscience your + honour wronged me greatly that same time--ill luck to them + that belied me behind my back to your honour! Well, plase + your honour, as I was telling you, as he was taking the + whiskey, and we talking of one thing or t'other, he makes me + an offer to swop his mare that he couldn't sell at the fair + of Gurtishannou, because nobody would be troubled with the + beast, plase your honour, against my horse; and to oblige + him I took the mare--sorrow take her, and him along with + her! She kicked me a new car, that was worth three pounds + ten, to tatters, the first time I ever put her into it, and + I expect your honour will make him pay me the price of the + car, any how, before I pay the grazing, which I have no + right to pay at all at all, only to oblige him. But I leave + it all to your honour; and the whole grazing he ought to be + charging for the beast is but two and eight pence halfpenny, + any how, plase your honour. So I'll abide by what your + honour says, good or bad; I'll leave it all to your honour.” + + I'll leave it all to your honour, literally means, I'll + leave all the trouble to your honour. + +~25~~But this pleasant life was not decreed much longer to endure, +the insurrection broke out, during which an incident occurred that had +nearly terminated all my then cares in this life, past, present, and to +come. + +“In my capacity as clerk or secretary, I had written one morning for +the worthy magistrate, two letters, both containing remittances, the one +150L. and the other 100L. in bank of Ireland bills. We were situated at +the distance of fifteen miles from the nearest market town, and as the +times were perilous and my employer unwilling to entrust property to the +precarious conveyance of subordinate agency, he requested that I would +take a morning ride, and with my own hands deliver these letters at +the post-office. Accordingly I set out, and had arrived to within three +miles of my destination, when my further progress was opposed by two +men in green uniform, who, with supported arms and fixed bayonets, +were pacing the road to and fro as sentinels, in a very steady and +soldier-like manner. On the challenge of one of these fellows, with arms +at port demanding the countersign, I answered that I had none to give, +that I was travelling on lawful business to the next town, and required +to know by what authority he stopt me on the King's highway, “By the +powers,” he exclaimed, “this is my authority then,” and immediately +brought his musket to the charge against the chest of my horse. I now +learnt that the town had been taken possession of that morning by a +division of the army of the people, for so the insurgents had styled +themselves. “You may turn your nag homewards if you choose,” said the +sentry; “but if you persist in going into the town, I must pass you, by +the different out-posts, to the officer on duty.” The business in which +I was engaged not admitting of delay, I preferred advancing, and was +ushered, ultimately, to the notice of the captain of the guard, who +very kindly informed me, that his general would certainly order me to be +hanged as a spy, unless I could exhibit good proof of the contrary. With +this comfortable assurance, I was forthwith introduced into the presence +of the rebel general. He was a portly good-looking man, apparently about +the age of forty, not more; wore a green uniform, with gold embroidery, +and was engaged in signing dispatches, which his secretary successively +sealed and superscribed; his staff were in attendance, and a +provost-marshal in waiting to perform the office of summary execution on +those to whom the general might attach suspicion. The insurgent leader +~26~~now enquiring, with much austerity, my name, profession, from +whence I came, the object of my coming, and lastly, whether or not I +was previously aware of the town being in possession of the army of the +people, I answered these interrogatories by propounding the question, +who the gentleman was to whom I had the honour of addressing myself, +and under what authority I was considered amenable to his inquisition. +“Answer my enquiries, Sir,” he replied, “without the impertinency of +idle circumlocution, otherwise I shall consider you as a spy, and my +provost-marshal shall instantly perform on your person the duties of +his office!” I now resorted to my letters; I had no other alternative +between existence and annihilation. Explaining, therefore, who I +was, and by whom employed, “These letters,” I added, “are each in my +hand-writing, and both contain remittances; I came to this town for the +sole purpose of putting them into the post-office, and I was not aware, +until informed by your scouts, that the place was in the occupation of +an enemy.” He deigned not a reply farther than pointing to one of +the letters, and demanding to know the amount of the bill which it +enveloped; I answered, “One hundred and fifty pounds.” He immediately +broke the seal, examined the bill, and found that it was correct. “Now, +Sir,” he continued, “sit down, and write from my dictation.” He dictated +from the letter which he had opened, and when I had finished the +copy, compared it next with the original characters, expressed his +satisfaction at their identity, and returning the letters, licensed my +departure, when and to where I list, observing, that I was fortunate in +having had with me those testimonials of business, “Otherwise,” said he, +“your appearance, under circumstances of suspicion, might have led to a +fatal result.”--“You may be assured, gentlemen,” continued the narrator, +“that I did not prolong my stay in the town beyond the shortest +requisite period; two mounted dragoons, by order of their general, +escorted me past the outposts, and I reached home in safety. These +occurrences took place on a Saturday. The triumph of the insurgent +troops was of short duration; they were attacked that same night by the +King's forces, discomfited, and their daring chieftain taken prisoner. +On the Monday following his head, stuck upon a pike, surmounted the +market-house of Belfast. The scenes of anarchy and desperation in which +that ~27~~ unfortunate country became now involved, rendered it no very +desirable residence. I therefore procured a passport, bid adieu to the +Emerald Isle, Erin ma vorneen slan leet go bragh! and once more returned +to London, to experience a renewal of that misfortune by which I have, +with little interval, been hitherto accompanied, during the whole period +of my eventful life.” + +The two strangers had listened to the narrative with mingled sensations +of compassion and surprise, the one feeling excited by the peculiarity, +the other by the pertinacity of his misfortunes, when their cogitations +were interrupted by a dissonant clamour amongst the prisoners, who, it +appeared, had united in enmity against an unlucky individual, whom they +were dragging towards the discipline of the pump with all the eagerness +of inflexible vengeance. + +On enquiry into the origin of this uproar, it was ascertained that one +of the prisoners under a charge of slight assault, had been visited by +this fellow, who, affecting to commiserate his situation, proposed to +arrange matters with his prosecutor for his immediate release, with +other offers of gratuitous assistance. This pretended friend was +recognised by one of the prisoners as a kidnapper. + +A kidnapper, or crimp, is one of those fellows of abandoned principles, +who enter into the pay of the East India Company in order to recruit +their army, and when a guinea or two is advertised to be given to any +person that brings a proper man of five feet eight or nine inches high, +lie in wait to entrap men for the money. Some of these gentry assume +the character of officers, others of Serjeants, drummers, and recruits, +without the least shadow of commission among them. They have many +ways of inveigling the artless and unthinking. One or two of these +kidnappers, dressed as countrymen, go five or six miles out of town to +meet the waggons and stages, and enquire if John Such-a-one is come up, +which is answered in the negative, no such person being known; they +then enter into discourse with the countrymen, and being perfectly +complaisant, engage attention, and by the time they get to London, learn +their occupations and business to town; whether they are in search of +places, trades, or intend to return home again, which intelligence +they in general profit by. Coming to the place of rendezvous, the ~28~~ +kidnappers propose a pint of porter, which being agreed on, they enter +the house where their companions are in waiting, enjoy themselves over +flowing bowls, and exhilirating their spirits with loyal toasts and +songs, begin their business by enquiring who is willing to serve His +Majesty. The countryman, if inclined thereto, is generally deceived; if +his desire is for the guards, or any other particular regiment, there +are at hand mock Serjeants and privates, who will swear they belong to +the corps, and the dupe is trepanned for the East Indies, hurried on +board a ship, or kept in some dismal place of security till a sufficient +number is collected, and an opportunity serves to send them away. + +On the other hand, should the countryman be averse to enlisting, and +talk of going away, these crimps will swear that he has received a +shilling or more of the bounty-money, insisting that they saw him put +the money into such and such a pocket; it is in vain that the countryman +denies having received it, search is made, money found, and he is +compelled to submit or pay the smart. + +Others again, of these prowlers, frequent the places of confinement, and +learning the particular case of some prisoner for small debt or slight +assault, kindly otter to mediate with the prosecutor or creditor +in effecting liberation. The pretended friend assumes the most +disinterested feeling of sympathy, ingratiates himself into confidence, +and generally terminates his machinations with success; accomplishes the +prisoner's release, and sends him ultimately from temporary duresse to +perpetual exile. + +Such was the character of the fellow now placed in the ominous guidance +of an exasperated multitude; they urged him forward to the place of +punishment; but the tumultuary assemblage were disappointed in their +anticipated vengeance, by the interposition of the turnkeys, and the +pretended friend escaped the meditated castigation. + +“Observe, again,” said the narrator, “that dashing young fellow, arrayed +in the first style of dandyism.” + +“My good fellow,” interrupted Bob, “he is not, I should think, one of +the community; he has, apparently, the manners of the well bred and +accomplished gentleman.” “And for that very reason, Sir, is the better +qualified to ~29~~ carry on his profession with impunity; he whom you +dignify with the appellation of a well bred and accomplished gentleman, +is all that you have expressed of him, with the exception of one word, +that is, substitute for gentleman, swindler, and the character is justly +delineated. This fellow, of desperate enterprize, is one of the numerous +practitioners of knavery, who set themselves up for men of property +and integrity, the more easily to defraud the unwary and ignorant out of +their substance and effects. This Spark, connecting himself with several +others of similar pursuit, they took a genteel house in a respectable +part of the town, and dividing themselves into classes of masters, +clerks, out-riders, shopmen, porters, and servants, and thus making +a show of opulence, they easily obtained credit, and laid in goods of +every kind, which they sent into the country and sold, or bartered for +other commodities; these commodities they brought up to London, and sold +for ready money, generally taking in exchange double the quantity, and +paying for the same with notes of their own drawing, indorsing, and +fabricating, for the purpose of cheating the poor deluded farmer, +shopkeeper, and tradesman in the interior of the country. With respect +to tradesmen in town, the goods they took of them on trust they disposed +of to Jews, and other receivers of stolen goods, at about thirty per +cent under value, for ready money, nay, forty per cent rather than not +have the cash; and as their stay in one place could not safely exceed +five months, on account of their creditors calling in their debts, +and their country notes becoming due, they used to make all possible +dispatch to dispose of the various articles, and evacuate the premises +before detection. This done, they played the same game elsewhere, when, +_Proteus_ like, they changed shapes, and disguised themselves so as +not to be known, and carried on business in another house, but in a +different name; the master became the rider, the rider the master, the +clerks descended to footmen and porters, the footmen to porters and +clerks, and so on throughout, until they had drained many parts of the +town and country, to the ruin of several worthy and honest families. +However, the co-partnership is now dissolved, the establishment is broke +up, and the different individuals of this nefarious gang of depredators, +of whom the well bred and accomplished gentleman, the subject of our +remarks, is one of the principals, are consigned to ~30~~ different +gaols for further examination and final commitment.” + +Dashall expressed thanks for the interesting communication, and the +Squire his astonishment that the credulity of man could warrant the hope +of success to such a combination, however systematically arranged; and +where so many were concerned (and the distribution of plunder perhaps by +no means equalized,) that some dissatisfied individual did not renounce +the dangerous connection in the hope of impunity and reward. + +“We know not that there is any subordinate division of spoil,” said the +other; “but if such there be, it may in this union of interests be the +maxim as with other co-partnership concerns, that he, by whatsoever +means, who contributes the most to the general stock, shall participate +the most in the general benefit. + +“Swindlers have other means of cheating and tricking the public, such +as answering the advertisements of tradesmen who are in want of a sum to +make good a payment, and offering, in consideration of a small premium, +to get them the money required, on their note of hand, which they +premise must be first given, and the money will be immediately advanced; +the necessitated person agrees to the terms, and unthinkingly gives +his note, which one of the Swindlers carries away, with a promise of a +speedy return with the money wanted, but neither Swindler nor note +is forthcoming until it becomes due, after having passed through +many different hands, some of whom can ascertain giving a valuable +consideration for the same, and fix the drawer to the payment, whose +consolation for his credulity is, paying the money or going to prison. + +“In case of a stagnation of trade, the Swindlers advertise themselves to +borrow or lend upon good security. If they borrow, they have sham deeds, +and make false conveyance of estates in _nubibus_, nobody knows where; +if they lend, they artfully inveigle the borrower out of his security, +which they take up money upon and convert to their own use, without +the deluded person's knowledge; and by absconding, leave him to the +mortification of descanting on their roguery, and his own want of +foresight.” + +~31~~ The triumvirate were once more interrupted; a newcomer had +arrived, and the prisoners hailed his initiation with the first stanza +of an old song:-- + + “Welcome, welcome, brother debtor, + To this poor, but merry place, + Where no Bailiff, Dun, nor Setter,{1} + Dares to shew his frightful face: + But, kind Sir, as you're a stranger, + Down your garnish you must lay, + Else your coat will be in danger,-- + You must either strip or pay!” + + 1 Setters--This appellation is applicable to others than + those-alluded to in the above stanza, as connected with Duns + and Bailiffs. They are a dangerous set of wretches, who are + capable of committing any villany, as well by trepanning a + rich heir into matrimony with a cast-off mistress or common + prostitute, as by coupling a young heiress with a notorious + sharper, down to the lowest scene of setting debtors for the + bailiff and his followers. Smitten with the first glance of + the lady, you resign your heart, the conjugal knot is tied, + and, like the Copper Captain, you find the promised land, + houses, and furniture, the property of another, and not of + yourself. + +The novitiate, neither surprised at his reception, nor adverse to the +custom of the place, seemed quite at home, paid his garnish without +hesitation, and entered at once into the vacuum of indifference with his +new associates. + +The attention of Dashall and Tallyho was attracted by the clank of +fetters, as one of the prisoners squatted himself on the pavement of +the yard. Leaning his back against the wall, he commenced darning an old +stocking, chanting at same time an old song from the Beggar's Opera, +as if predicting his own fate, yet with a manner indicating the most +callous indifference-- + + “Since laws were made for every degree, + To curb vice in others as well as in me, + I wonder we ha'n't better company + Upon Tyburn tree.---- + + But gold from law can take out the sting, + And if rich men like us were to swing, + 'Twould thin the land, such numbers would string + Upon Tyburn tree.---- + +The irreclaimable depravity of this man could not excite any urgent +feeling of sympathy in his behalf, and our two friends took no further +notice of him. + +~32~~ Their Intelligencer, who in the meanwhile had gone forth for +information, now advancing,--“I thought,” said he, “that I had seen +elsewhere this Johnny Newcome; he is a sharper, another precious +addition to our respectable community.”{1} + +“Respectable, indeed,” exclaimed Tallyho, as he detected an urchin thief +in the act of picking his pocket of his handkerchief. This hopeful imp, +though young in years, was experienced in iniquity, had served an active +apprenticeship to the art of picking pockets with impunity, + + 1 The Sharper, who has generally had a genteel education, is + a person of good address and conversation, has more the + power of delusion at will than the unlettered cheat, devoid + of address and other requisites to complete the pretended + gentleman, and therefore should be more carefully avoided. + These villains, having run through their fortunes at an + early period of life by associating with professed gamblers + and sharpers, (who having eased them of their money, in + return complete them for the profession by which they have + been ruined) set up for themselves, throw aside honour and + conscience, and quote the lex talionis for deceiving others, + as they themselves have been deceived. These gentry are to + be met with at horse-races, cock-fights, the billiard and + hazard tables, and at all public places of diversion. On + your entering the coffee-house, tavern, or gaming-house, the + Sharper views you with attention, and is not long before he + becomes acquainted and very intimate with you; if you agree + to his proposal to play, if he cannot beat you by fair, he + will by foul means. Rather than lose, he will elude your + attention, and raise your passion sufficiently to put you + off your guard, while he plays his underhand game, and + cheats you before your face; and though you are sensible of + being cheated, yet you shall not be able to discover by what + means it is effected. The various methods sharpers have to + cheat and deceive are so many and unaccountable, that it + would exceed the limits of our publication to detail even + the tenth-part of them; their study is to supply their + exigencies by means within their power, however wicked or + villanous. If you associate with sharpers, you must not only + expect, but deserve to be cheated by them for your + credulity; for who would go with his eyes open into a den of + thieves, but in expectation of being robbed? Or, who would + herd with sharpers, and not expect to be cheated? We would + therefore advise the stranger in London to shun these + reptiles of the creation, fraught with guile, and artful as + the serpent to delude. Beware of their conversation, avoid + their company, take no notice of their tricks, nor be caught + by their wheedling professions of friendship; listen not to + any of their enticements, if you would preserve your peace + and property; be not fond of making new acquaintance with + persons you do not know, however genteel in appearance and + behaviour, for many a villain lurks under the disguise of a + modern fine gentle-man; and if any stranger asks you to play + with him for money, set him down in your mind as a Sharper,” + and leave the room immediately. + +~33~~and at last became so great an adept in the profession, that at +the early age of thirteen years he was unanimously elected captain of +an organized band of juvenile depredators, some much younger, none older +than himself, who for a considerable length of time set at defiance the +vigilance of the police. These young fry carried on a long protracted +successful war of extermination against ladies' reticules. One urchin, +watching her approach, would lay himself across the path she must pass, +and it frequently happened that she tumbled over him; a grab was then +made at the reticule, the watch, and the shawl, with which the young +villains generally got clear off. Others, in detachments of two or +three, would hover about the door or window of a tradesman's shop, cut +out a pane of glass, and abstract some valuable trinket; or watch the +retirement of the shopkeeper into his back-room, when one of the most +enterprizing would enter on hands and knees, crawl round the counter +with the stillness of death, draw out the till with its contents, and +bear off the spoil with impunity. One night, however, luckily for the +public, the whole gang was made prisoners of, and dispersed to various +gaols, each delinquent being ordered a severe flogging and solitary +confinement. Availing himself of this indulgence, the Captain had +watched the opportunity of approximating towards Tallyho, and was +detected, as we said before, in the exercise of his former propensities; +so difficult it is to eradicate vice from the human mind, even though +in this instance so early implanted. Lenity in this case would have been +equally misplaced as unjust, although the Squire humanely pressed his +intercession; the incorrigible pilferer was therefore handed over to +the custody of one of the turnkeys, until the Governor might award a +punishment suitable to the heinousness of the offence. + +The two friends had been here above an hour--it was an hour they thought +not idly spent. And now leaving a small donation for distribution +amongst such as appeared deserving objects, they returned home gratified +by the additional knowledge acquired of _Real Life in London_.~34~~ + + + + +CHAPTER III + + “......Would you see + The Debtors' world, confide yourself to me. + Come; safely shall you pass the fatal door, + Nor fear it shuts you in, to ope no more. + See, frowning grimly o'er the Borough Road, + The crossing spikes that crown the dark abode! + O! how that iron seems to pierce the soul + Of him, whom hurrying wheels to prison roll, + What time from Serjeants' Inn some Debtor pale + The Tipstaff renders in default of bail. + Black shows that grisly ridge against the sky, + As near he draws and lifts an anxious eye: + Then on his bosom each peculiar spike, + Arm'd with its proper ill, appears to strike.” + +THE recollection of past enjoyments in the vivacious company of Merry +well, could not fail to be revived in the minds of Dashall and his +Cousin; and as some persons, with due attention to his safety, had +manifested their interest and regard for him by obtaining his admission +to the Priory, where he was at this moment pursuing his studies, +and could not quite so conveniently call on them, an early visit was +determined on. + +“We shall,” said Tom, “by a call on Merrywell after six weeks residence +among the gay blades that inhabit the walls of the King's Bench, +have all the benefit of his previous observation. He will be able to +delineate the characters, consciences, and conduct of his neighbours. +He will describe all the comforts and advantages of a college life, +introduce us to the Bloods and the Blacks, and, in short, there are few +persons I know, except Sparkle himself, more able to conduct us through +the intricacies of the Building, to point out the beauty and excellence +of the establishment, its uses and abuses, than Merrywell.” + +“Do they charge any thing on admittance?” enquired Bob. + +“O yes,” was the reply, “they charge you, by a public ~35~~ notice in +the lobby, not to convey into the interior any spirituous liquors, on +pain of being yourself discharged from thence, and confined elsewhere. +Bless your soul, why the King's Bench is a little world within itself, +a sort of epitome of London; it is in a healthy situation, and the space +which it occupies is extensive. There are in all 224 rooms, and they +measure each about 14 or 16 feet by 12 or 13; of these, eight are called +State-rooms, are much larger than the rest, and more commodious; and +a well-breech'd customer may have almost any accommodation. It is the +prison most immediately belonging to the Court of King's Bench, and, +exclusive of debtors there sued, all persons standing in contempt +of that Court, and most of those committed under its sentence, are +confined.” + +“And pretty generally all inhabited?” interrogated Tallyho. + +“Yes, and frequently it is difficult to obtain a place to sleep in even +as a chum.” + +Bob found himself at fault, and required an explanation of the word +chum. + +“The chum,” replied Dashall, “is a partner or bed-fellow, a person +who has an equal right to all the comforts and conveniences of a room, +previously wholly in the possession of one.” + +“I understand,” said Bob; “then when every room has already one +occupant, they accommodate him with a companion.” + +“Exactly so, and he may prove friend or foe. This, however, may be +avoided, if the student is in possession of the rubbish, by an escape +into the Rules, which extend for three miles round the priory. These +Rules are purchaseable after the following rate, viz. Ten guineas for +the first hundred pounds, and about half that sum for every hundred +pounds afterwards; day-rules, of which three may be obtained in every +term, may be purchased for 4s. 2d. for the first day, and 3s. 10d. for +the rest. Each also must give good security to the Marshal.~36~~ + + “----The fiction of the law supposes, + That every prisoner, with means to pay, + (For he that has not this advantage loses,) + Either has business in the courts, or may; + Bond, fee, and sureties fresh prepare the way + And Mister Broothoft's manual sign declares + 'That Mister such-a-one, on such a day, + 'Hath got a rule of Court, and so repairs + 'To town, or elsewhere, call'd by his affairs.' + + This little Talisman of strange effect, + (Four shillings just and sixpence is the price) + From Bailiff's power the wearer will protect, + And nullify a Capias in a trice: + It bears a royal head in quaint device, + At least as true as that which Wellesley Pole, + With taste for English artists much too nice, + Stamp'd by Pistrucci's aid (Heaven rest his soul! + And shield henceforth the Mint from his controul.) + + In various ways the various purchasers + That sally forth with this protecting spell, + Employ the privilege this grant confers: + Some, like myself, their lawyer's citadel + Besiege, his speed long striving to impel; + To take a dinner with a friend some go; + In fashion's haunts some for an hour to swell; + Some strive, what creditors intend, to know; + And some the moments on their love bestow.” + +“Thus you have a full, true, and particular, as well as amusing account, +of a Day Rule, or what in the cant language of the day is termed hiring +a horse, which sometimes proves a bolter.” + +“And what is meant by a bolter?” + +“He is one,” replied Dashall, “who, having obtained the privilege of a +Day Rule, brushes off, and leaves his bondsmen, or the Marshal, to +pay his debt; or one who transgresses the bounds; but such a one when +retaken, usually undergoes some discipline from the inhabitants of the +College, who being all honourable men, set their faces against such +ungentleman-like proceedings.” + +“Then they do sometimes make an escape?” + +“Yes, notwithstanding their restrictive arrangements, such things have +occurred, and you must recollect that of Lord Cochrane, confined for +the memorable Stock Exchange hoax. The means by which it was effected, +I believe, have never been discovered; but certain it is, that he was in +the House of Commons, while a prisoner in the King's Bench, and on the +first night of his subsequent liberation, gave the casting vote against +a proposed grant to a certain Duke.” + +“I remember it very well, and also remember that the generality of +thinking persons considered his Lordship harshly treated.” + +~37~~ “However, he is now bravely fighting the battles of independence, +increasing both his fame and fortune, while some of the Ministerial +hirelings are subjected to a similar privation. We shall have a view of +some of the residents in this renowned place of fashionable resort; the +interior of which perhaps exhibits a spectacle far more diversified, +and if possible more immoral and vicious, than the exterior. There are +quondam gentlemen of fortune, reduced either so low as not to be able to +pay for the Rules, or so unprincipled and degraded as to have no friend +at command who could with safety become their surety. Shop-keepers, +whose knavery having distanced even their extravagance, dread the +appearance of ease exhibited in the Rules and the detection of fraud, +by producing the reverse of their independence, and who even grudge +the expenditure of money, to obtain limited liberty. +Uncertificated bankrupts, and unconvicted felons; Jews--gamblers by +trade--horse-dealers--money scriveners--bill discounters--annuity +procurers--disinterested profligates--unemployed and branded +attorneys--scandal mongers and libel writers--Gazetted publicans, +and the perhaps less culpable sinners of broken officers--reduced +mechanics--starving authors, and cast-off Cyprians.” + +“A very comprehensive and animated account truly,” said Tallyho. + +“And you will find it accurate,” continued Dashall, “for the turn-out of +this dwelling of crime and misery, resembles the Piazza de Sant Marco at +Venice, in the Carnival time. There are all descriptions and classes in +society, all casts and sects, all tribes and associations, all colours, +complexions and appearances, not only of human and inhuman beings, but +also all shades, features, and conformations of vice. The Spendthrift, +or degraded man of fortune, lives by shifts, by schemes, by loans, by +sponging on the novice, by subscription, or on commiseration's uncertain +aid. He has however in perspective some visionary scheme of emolument +and dishonour blended, to put into execution as soon as he obtains his +discharge. The uncertificated Bankrupt has many opportunities left yet; +he has other dupes, other tricks of trade, other resources in reserve. +The Swindler mellows, refines, and sublimates his plan of future +operations, and associates in it, perchance, a fallen fair one, or +an incipient Greek, ~38~~ put up in the Bench. Horse-dealers, money +scriveners, bill doers, attorneys, &c. have either the means of setting +up again, or some new system of roguery to be put in practice, in fresh +time and place, which may conduct them to the harbour of Fortune, or +waft them over the herring pond at the expence of the public purse. The +disinterested Profligate here either consumes, corrupts, and festers, +under the brandy fever and despair, or is put up by a gambler, who sells +his art to his brother debtors, and thus lives in hope of yet turning +the honest penny in imitation of those who have gone before him. The +Cyprian, still exercising her allurements, lingers and decays +until persecution loses the point of its arrow, and drops from the +persecutor's hand, grasping more hardly after money, and opening from +the clenched attitude of revenge. Then, to conclude the picture, there +are youths living upon the open infamy of easy-hearted women, who +disgrace and ruin themselves without the walls, in order to pamper the +appetite and humour the whims of a favourite within, thus sacrificing +one victim to another. Partners carrying on trade in the world, +communing with their incarcerated partners in durance vile. Misery and +extravagance, rude joy and frantic fear, with more passions than the +celebrated Collins ever drew, and with more scenes, adventures, and +vicissitudes, than ever Jonathan Wild or any other Jonathan exhibited.” + +“Excellent description,” exclaimed Bob. + +“And you shall have ocular demonstration of its absolute existence; nay, +this sketch might serve for many other places of confinement, the Fleet, +&c. They are like the streets of the Metropolis, constantly varying in +their company, according to entrances and exits of their visitors.” + +“This, however,” continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, “is rather a mental +picture of what we shall presently witness in reality, a sort of +introductory sketch by way of passport through the doors of this +Panorama of Beal Life, to which you will shortly be introduced; a sort +of ideal, or dramatic sketch of its inhabitants _en masse_, before the +drawing up of the curtain.” + +The eagerness of Bob to listen to his Cousin's sketches of London +society, on the one hand, and the earnestness with which Dashall +had been exercising his imaginary powers, on the other, had led our +perambulators to the ~39~~ foot of Blackfriar's Bridge, on their road +to the King's Bench, without any particular circumstance exciting their +attention; when Bob, suddenly twitching his Cousin by the arm, and +directing his eye at the same time to a thin spare figure of a man, +without hat or coat, who was rapidly passing towards Fleet market, +enquired who it was, and what was his occupation or calling. + +“Don't you hear his calling?” was the reply. + +“Hot, hot, hot, pudding hot!” was in a moment vociferated in his ears, +while the active and industrious mercantile pedestrian, with a swing of +his head, which was in continual motion from right to left, gave Bob a +wipe in the eye with his tail, which by the velocity of the wearer was +kept in full play like the pendulum of a clock, or the tail of Matthews +in his admirable delineation of Sir Fretful Plagiary. + +“Zounds,” cries Bob, “it is true I may hear, but I can't pretend to say +I can see; who the devil is he? there is no looking at him, he seems to +leave time and space behind him; where is he?” + +Tom laughed heartily, while Bob rubbed his eyes in vain to obtain +another view. + +“That,” said Dashall, “is a sort of Commissary, a dealer in stores for +the stomach--red hot pudding, all hot, and commonly called the Flying +Pieman.”{1}~40~~ + + 1 James Sharpe Eglaud, more commonly known in the streets of + the Metropolis by the appellation of the Flying Pieman, may + fairly be held forth as an example of what may be effected + by persevering industry and activity, especially in a large + and populous city. Those qualities, joined with a moderate + share of prudence, cannot fail to ensure to every man at + least comfort and respectability, it” not competence and + wealth, however humble his sphere, and however unpromising + his beginnings. He was bred to the sedentary trade of a + tailor, and worked for some years with his relation, Mr. + Austerbury, of Friday Street, Cheapside; but love, which + works so many changes, and which has ere now transformed + blacksmiths into painters, and which induced Hercules to + exchange his club for the distaff, caused this Knight of the + Steel Bar to relinquish the shop-board and patch up his + fortune by the patty-pan. He married his landlady, a widow, + who resided in Turnmill Street, Clerkenwell. He had a soul + above buttons, and abandoned the making of garments to cover + the outside, in order to mould cakes, pies, and other small + pastry, to comfort the internals. His active genius, + however, could not brook the tedious task of serving his + customers behind the counter; he therefore took up his + eatables and went abroad in quest of them, and we doubt not + he has found this practice, which he has continued ever + since, very profitable. The neatness and cleanliness of his + appearance at all times are truly pleasing. Hail, rain, or + shine, he may be seen abroad without coat or hat; his hair + powdered, his shirt sleeves turned up to his elbows, and a + steel hanging on his apron-string. Originally he carried a + tin case, something like a Dutch oven, in which he + constantly kept a lire, but is now generally seen with a + small tray. In serving a customer, he never touches his + pudding with his hands, but has a knife for the purpose of + presenting it to the purchasers, and his sale is so + extensive, that he is obliged to replenish several times in + a day; and in order to secure a regular and ready supply, + his female partner and himself convey a quantity of pudding + to a certain distance, and deposit their load at some + public-house, where she takes care to keep it “all hot,” + while Egland scours the neighbourhood in search of + customers. The first cargo being disposed of he returns for + more, and by this method he has it always fresh, and is + never in want of goods. + + Many laughable anecdotes are told of this flying pieman, and + perhaps a day's excursion in following him during his + peregrinations would furnish much of curious and interesting + amusement. We shall however select one, authenticated by his + appearance at Marlborough Street Police Office on Monday, + July 8, 1821, as most intimately connected with Real Life in + London; when he preferred a serious charge against a Beggar, + no other than the president of a smoking club in the Holy + Land, and others, for stealing his mutton pies, cutting off + his tail, and otherwise disfiguring his person. By the + evidence of Egland, it appeared that he was introduced, with + his goods for sale, to a company chiefly consisting of + street beggars in St. Giles's, the chair at that moment + being filled by a beggar without hands, well known in the + vicinity of the Admiralty as a chalker of the pavement. The + dignity of the chair was well sustained by this ingenious + colourer, who was smoking a pipe as great as an alderman + over a bason of turtle soup; but no sooner did Egland make + his appearance, than the company seized upon his goods and + crammed them down their throats, in spite of the repeated + vociferations of “honour, honour, Gentlemen,” from the + assailed. Resistance was vain, and Egland in this dilemma + began to consider that his only safety lay in flight. This, + however, he found equally impracticable; he was detained, + and by way of consolation for his loss, was called upon for + a song. His lungs were good, and although his spirits were + not much exhilarated by the introductory part of the + entertainment, he began to “tip 'em a stave;” but whilst he + was chanting “The stormy winds do blow,” a fellow cut off + his tail. This was worse than all the rest; it was, as it + were, a part of his working tools, and the loss of it was + likely to injure his business by an alteration of his + appearance, and could not be tacitly submitted to. + + The magistrates gravely considering this a most serious + charge of unprovoked attack upon an industrious individual, + ordered the parties to find bail, in default of fully + satisfying the inoffensive dealer in pastry, which was + accordingly done. + + In the year 1804, scorning to be behindhand in loyalty as + well as activity, he became a member of the Clerkenwell + Volunteers, and was placed in the light company, in which + capacity he obtained the character not only of being the + cleanest man, but the best soldier in the regiment. + + It is said, that for amusement, or the gratification of a + whim, he will sometimes walk a distance of fifty or a + hundred miles from the Metropolis, and return the same way. + On such occasions he always manages to take some companion + or friend out with him, but was never known to come back in + the same company; for so irresistibly are they allured + forward by his inexhaustible fund of humour and + sprightliness of conversation, that they seldom think of the + distance till they find themselves too far from home to + return on foot. + +~41~~“Then,” said Bob, “he is not like some of the London dealers, who +invite their customers to taste and try before they buy, for he scarcely +seems to afford a chance of seeing what he sells.” + +“You did not try him,” replied Tom, “nor would he have expected you to +be a customer. He is a remarkable character, well known all over the +Metropolis. Particularly noted for his activity in disposing of +his goods; never standing still for a moment, but accosting with +extraordinary ease and fluency every person who appears likely to be a +purchaser; always ready with an answer to any question, but delivering +it with so much volubility, that it is impossible to propose a second +enquiry, suiting at the same time his answer to the apparent quality +of the querist, though frequently leaving it unfinished in search of a +customer, and moving on with so much rapidity, that you may almost find +him at the same moment at Tower Hill, Billingsgate, and Spa Fields; at +Smithfield, Temple Bar, and Piccadilly; indeed he may be said to be in +all quarters of the town in a space of time incredibly short for a man +who obtains a livelihood by seeking customers as he moves along.” + +“Zounds,” cried Bob, “this walking genius, this credible incredible, +and visible invisible pedestrian dealer in portable eatables, has almost +blinded me. + + “For, by this flying pieman, + I've nearly lost an eye, man.” + +“Come,” said Tom, “I've no fear of your eye while you can muster a +couplet; so let us proceed.” + +Crossing Black friars Bridge, and approaching the road, Bob, who had +assuaged the pain of which he had previously ~42~~ been complaining, +could not help admiring the extensive range of nouses on each side of +the way, terminated by a handsome building in the distance. + +“That Building,” said Dashall, “will be the extent of our journey, for +very near to it is the habitation of Merrywell, where I entertain no +doubt you will find enough for observation of a useful as well as +a humorous nature: for an epitome of men and manners is there to be +obtained.” + +“Here are abundance of subjects worthy of inspection in this quarter,” + replied Tom, “and we therefore ought not to exhaust too much time on +one, so let us proceed: do you see that high wall to the right? That is +the Magdalen Hospital,{1} established for the relief and + + 1 The Magdalen Hospital in Blackfriars Road, enclosed from + public view, occupies an extensive space of ground, and is + from the nature of its inhabitants very properly so + enclosed. It was opened in the year 1758, and it must be a + delightful reflection to its governors, that during the + period it has subsisted, more than two-thirds of the women + who have been admitted have been reconciled to their + friends, or placed in honest employments or reputable + services: besides which, a very considerable portion have + since been married, and are at this moment respectable + members of society: circumstances which prove the great and + important utility of this admirable institution. + + There is no prescribed time for the objects of this charity + to remain in the house, it being varied according to + circumstances. Every effort is made use of to find out their + relations and friends, if possible, to bring about a + reconciliation with them, and if they prove to be persons of + character, to put them under their protection. If, however, + the young women are destitute of such friends, they are kept + in the house till an opportunity offers of placing them in + reputable services, or otherwise procuring them the means of + obtaining an honest livelihood, and they never discharge any + one without providing for her. There have been but few + discharged beyond the age of twenty years. + + The general business of the establishment is conducted by a + Committee consisting of 32 Governors, who meet at the + Hospital every Thursday at twelve o'clock precisely, except + on the first Thursday of every mouth, when they meet at + eleven. Two of them attend at the Chapel in rotation every + Sunday at morning and evening service, when a collection is + made at the door on entrance. The hours of divine service + are a quarter after eleven in the forenoon, and a quarter + after six in the evening; and on account of the fascination + of the singing, no place of worship in the Metropolis is + more worthy of the notice of strangers. + + An opportunity is afforded to companies who wish to visit + this charity, by addressing a request by letter to the + Committee any Thursday, or to A. Bonnet, Esq. the Treasurer, + any day in the week, and no fees are allowed to be taken. + +reformation of wretched outcasts from society. The principle on which +it is founded, entitles it to the countenance and support of the public, +and particularly of the female sex, the object being to reclaim and +restore to virtue such wanderers in the labyrinths of vice as are not +totally depraved.”~43~~ + +“Admirable intentions indeed,” cried Tallyho, “if they are but as well +carried into effect.” + +“The records of the establishment have proved its advantages to society, +or rather, I should say, to its conductors, for they are of a nature +which cannot be publicly exposed, without much private injury to +the individuals who partake of them. It is, however, not a little +remarkable, that till lately, on the very opposite side of the road, the +neighbourhood has exhibited scenes of vice, immorality, and indecency, +which it is the great object of this Charity if possible to prevent, by +an endeavour to reclaim the miserable and deluded wretches from their +evil ways. I remember the late John Home Tooke related in the House of +Commons a curious anecdote, in allusion to himself and his situation +at the time, in which this institution was mentioned, and which excited +considerable interest. + +“It is well known that the late John Home Tooke, of political memory as +the reputed tutor of a certain patriotic Baronet of the present day, as +well as the author of the Diversions of Purley, and a correspondent +of the yet undiscovered Junius, was a reverend divine of the Church +of England; and when he became a Member of Parliament, it was objected +against him that no person in Holy Orders could hold a seat in the +honourable House of Commons. In his reply, he very ingeniously observed, +that this objection reminded him of an applicant for admission to the +Magdalen, who, upon being exhorted by the Chaplain to forsake her +evil ways, replied that she was not aware of his meaning, and upon +explanation she was excluded from the Charity, because she was not bad +enough to require reforming. 'This,' said Mr. Home Tooke, 'is exactly +my case; because I am in Holy Orders I must leave the House, and +after committing some act of impropriety to lose my gown, I may yet be +eligible for a Member of this Assembly.'” + +“Pointed enough,” said Bob Tallyho. + +“Yes,” replied Tom; “and having mentioned the name of the man, you may +perhaps recollect the order of the day, ~44~~ as well as the curious +definition (before the Commissioners of the Income Tax) as to how a man +lives who has no income at all. Being interrogated by the Commissioners, +as to how he obtained his living, Mr. Home Tooke replied as +follows:--'Why, it appears to me, Gentlemen, that there are three modes +by which a person may obtain a living; the first is by begging--now +this I am too proud to submit to;--the second, by stealing--this I don't +choose to resort to;--and the third is by the exercise of the wits--and +this, Gentlemen, I presume, you know nothing about.' + +“Here,” said Dashall, “is the Surrey Theatre, formerly denominated the +Royal Circus. I shall, however, dispatch my description of it in a very +few words, as we will ere long pay a visit to its interior. It is a +neat building, and shews a good front to the road; is fitted up with a +considerable degree of elegance, and is a very convenient theatre. It +was originally conducted by Hughes and Jones, and its exhibitions were +both scenic and equestrian, something in the style of what Astley's +Amphitheatre is now; but you must see the one in order to form an idea +of the other. Horses are now banished at this place, where, under +an annual license from the magistrates of the county, burlettas, +melodramas, dancing, and pantomimes are got up, and performed in a style +which would not disgrace even the patent theatres. It is at present +under the management of Mr. Dibdin, a son of the celebrated writer of +so many of our national, patriotic, and characteristic ballads.--Just +through the turnpike, the building which gives a sort of finish to the +road, is the School for the Indigent Blind; at the back of which is the +Philanthropic Institution, calculated to unite the purposes of charity +with those of industry and police, to rescue from destruction the +offspring of the vicious and criminal; and Bethlem Hospital, for the +care and cure of insane persons, well deserving of minute inspection; +and to the right, at the corner of a road which leads from Westminster +Bridge towards Vauxhall, is an Asylum for Female Orphans, which, as the +Magdalen was intended to reclaim prostitutes, was originally intended to +prevent prostitution. To the left again is the King's Bench; and as +that is our present place of destination, we will forego any further +description, till another opportunity. + +“I cannot, however, refrain a few remarks on the ~45~~situation we are +now in, for from this place may be seen the children of penance (the +Magdalen); the children of darkness (the School for the Indigent Blind); +the insane (New Bethlem); the infatuated and fanatic (the congregations +of the Zoar Chapel, and the faithful of mewses, garrets, and wooden +tabernacles); the children of Thespis and Terpsichore (the Surrey +Theatre), mingled together as it were with the debtor and the captive +(the King's Bench): at least, placing ourselves at this obelisk in the +centre of the road, the mind's eye can comprehend them within a short +distance of each other.” + +“And a curious admixture of the useful and the sweet it certainly is,” + exclaimed Tallyho, anxious to give his Cousin a little respite, while +they turned to the left on their way to the Bench. + +“You will find,” continued Tom, “all the before-mentioned infirmities, +blindness, infatuation, madness, and profligacy, within the walls that +we shall shortly enter, without the repentant spirit of the Sisters +within the walls we have just passed. You will also find there is +a plenty of self-interest and hypocrisy combined with them; nay, an +hospital of incurables is only wanting to complete the scene. It is not +till lately that a little reform has been effected in this quarter, for +Dover Street and its vicinity, as I before observed, so near to these +benevolent charities and to the walls of a prison, have been the sink +of female profligacy, of the lowest, most dangerous, and most disgusting +kind; and suffered too long to pollute the streams of charity and impede +the road to reform. However, at length the nuisance is removed, at least +the public appearance of it, though the neighbourhood is not altogether +bereft of its private negociations and stolen accommodations. But come, +now for an interior view of the. Abbott's Park, its interesting scenery, +and its multi-farious characters. There you shall see what you shall +see, and Merrywell will tell you more in ten minutes than you might wish +to know in your whole life, I mean practically, though it is well to +know in theory what ought never to be reduced to experiment.”~46~~ + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + “----Give me leave to ask a question; + Pray, in the King's Bench have you ever been? + The Bench! Good Heaven! how shocking a suggestion! + Was e'er so saucy a companion seen? + + Well, you ne'er saw the place; or if you did, + 'Twere better not too closely to surmise; + Enough, enough, those frowns the thought forbid, + Who sees too much is rarely counted wise; + I rather boast that mine are prudent eyes; + Persons and things so quietly they read, + Nor by a glance confess they scrutinize, + That thoughtless lookers think me blind indeed, + When of themselves I take the strictest heed. + But since you wish me to believe that College + Ne'er gave its finish to your education, + I, of its laws and customs having knowledge, + Ere I take up the thread of my narration, + Must say a little for your information.” + +THEY had now passed the outer gates of the prison, and entered a court +yard surrounded by a wall, which enclosed some good looking houses. + +“These houses,” said Dashall, “are occupied by the principal officers of +the place, and devoted to purposes of business, or let out by them for +the accommodation of those who' have purchased the privilege of the +Rules. This door directly opposite the gate, is the only entrance to the +Park.” + +[Illustration: page46 King's Bench] + +They next passed up the steps, and entered a gloomy apartment, where +after a few minutes a Turnkey, surveying their persons rather minutely, +opened the ponderous door, which admitted them to an inner court of +confined dimensions. Bob looked around him with surprise after the +description of his Cousin, and began to think he had been vamping up +imaginary pictures of what was not to be realized; however, hearing +a variety of voices, and perceiving another gate, he quelled his +conjectures and ~47~~ followed Dashall, who, upon knocking at the door, +was surveyed from a sort of loop-hole by the keeper within, who quickly +gave them entrance; and the spacious appearance of the parade, racquet +ground, and habitations, and a moving panorama of personages of both +sexes, attracted his immediate attention. + +Gazing with enquiring eyes upon this world-within-walls,{1} they +scarcely heeded the variety of salutations with which they were greeted +on entering, such as nods, winks, and touches on the shoulder from one +who appeared as unconscious of such familiarity as if he had for some +time been wholly absorbed in the solution of a mathematical problem, +or the horse-laugh of the ignorant and vulgar, by whom they found +themselves surrounded. Struggling through the throng, Dashall impelled +his Cousin forward, repeating as he proceeded, + + “How many o'er this threshold pass that mouru, + Wanting our power at pleasure to return; + A moment let us pause ere we ascend + The gallery that leads us to our friend; + Survey the place, where all that meets your view, + Is full of interest, and strangely new. + Could we but hide those grinning spikes awhile, + Borne spacious barrack we might think the pile.” + +“However,” continued he, “I perceive we are quizzed, we will just take +a turn round, and probably we may meet Merrywell, if not, we will soon +find him out by enquiry. You perceive, they have the accommodation of +a butcher's shop, and a baker's, besides green stalls, fish stalls, +and chandlers' shops, which give the place the appearance of a public +market, while the racquet players and others amusing themselves in +various ways, resemble that of a fair.” + +“Indeed,” said Tallyho, “your description is just, for I have as yet +seen but few sorrowful faces, every one seems to have some object in +view, either of business or pleasure, almost as attractive as those +without the walls.” + +~48~~ “And in many instances,” continued Dashall, “of as much, nay, more +interest. However, you perceive the + + 1 The walls of the King's Bench are about thirty feet high, + sur-mounted by a _chevaux de frieze_, and as a place of + confinement, it is of great though uncertain antiquity. + +accommodation of the inmates has been studied by the founders of the +College. Water is well supplied from four pumps, and were it not that +the walls intercept the views, a man here might almost consider himself +in his own habitation, with only one drawback.” + +“And what is that?” enquired Tallyho. + +“Merely, that like the starling, he can't get out.” + +“How now,” said Merry well, who had espied the entrance of his friends +from the window of his apartment, and immediately descended to greet +them--touching the Honourable Tom Dashall on the shoulder, while he +seized Bob by the opposite arm. + +“What are you a'ter, exploring the secrets of the prison-house?” + +Mutual congratulations having passed, Merrywell welcomed them to +his habitation, significantly informing them at the same time, that +notwithstanding his powers of entertainment were just then not what he +could wish, all was right, the trick was done, that he was arranging +for a house in the Rules, _pro tempore_, and that it would not be long +before he should have the honour of meeting them in a way that would be +more agreeable to all parties. “However,” continued he, “if you can bear +a confined apartment, I promise you shall have nothing else to complain +of. Can you put up with pot-luck in a prison?” + +“Certainly,” was the reply, “our object was to spend a convivial hour +with you, to wile away a little of the time, to see and learn, to take +a peep at things as they are, and to form our judgments upon their +existence.” + +“Then,” replied Merrywell, “you have arrived _en bon heure_, for in this +place a volume of information may be obtained, which, if judiciously +applied, must prove beneficial; and while dinner is preparing, I can +afford you abundance of amusement; so come along, we must move round +this way to the gate again, in order to take any thing like an accurate +survey, and I can furnish some anecdotes of the paraders, the players, +the officers of the Court, and the visitors, which cannot fail to prove +interesting. This, however, must be done with caution, for suspicion is +ever active, and jealousy constantly awake within these walls; and as +I mean to give you sketches of individual characters, rather than a +general view of ~49~~ the society with which I am now in association, a +little discretion may be well made use of.” + + “Now let us analyse, but not too loud, + If wise, the composition of this crowd; + Made up from native soil and foreign clime, + Of waste and folly, accident and crime. + Here join the Speculator and the Fool, + Greybeards, and youngsters rather tit for school, + (At least for any school but this alone, + Where College vices in the shade are thrown.) + Of pugilists, of haberdashers, jugglers, + Horse jockeys, swindlers, Bond Street beaux, and smugglers, + By hollow friendship some in prison thrown, + By others' follies some--more by their own.” + +By this time they had traversed round the open walk of the prison, and +on arriving at the place of entrance-- + +“Do you observe that small building on the right? it is called the State +House, and contains the largest and most convenient rooms; it is usually +devoted to the accommodation of such as are best enabled to pay; and +there are persons residing here, who live as well, and in as dashing +a style as those without the walls, or at least pay as much for their +living. On the left hand you may also perceive the chapel, for the +spiritual wants of those confined are not to be forgotten.” + + “There, in the centre, is the chapel door, + With ever changing notices spread o'er: + Whatever doctrines may within be taught, + With words of peace that door is rarely fraught: + For there, mid notices of beds for hire, + Of concerts in the state-house by desire, + Some ill-spelt scrawl demands the mighty debt + Of half a crown, with a ferocious threat; + Some traitorous agent is denounced; some spy, + That blabb'd of gin, is hung in effigy; + Here angry fools proclaim the petty jar, + And clumsy pasquinades provoke to war.” + +By this time they had reached the door of the Chapel, which, by the +various placards pasted against it, fully confirmed the description of +Merrywell. + +Bob, casting his eyes around him, discovered much for enquiry. “Who are +those in the corner in close conversation together?” + +“The farthest from us,” replied Merrywell, “is a Jew attorney, well +acquainted with all the shuffling arts of the ~50~~ place; one who can +explain the whole game, from raising the wind, down to the White-washing +Act, for the knowledge and experience of gentlemen in these days are +astonishing. You would scarcely believe it, but such is the fact, there +are rakes of quality and of fashion, who are their own farriers, +horse dealers, who know every trick upon the cards and dice--cutting, +shuffling, slipping, cogging, securing; who have cards and dice always +at hand, and ready made to their hand; who, although they are awake to a +good thing, know the odds to a nicety, and can give or take according +as it may best suit their purpose, yet are not properly initiated in all +requisite mysteries, till a sort of finish is given to their education, +by a temporary retirement here; where they learn a sufficiency of the +law to give information on all the quirks and quibbles of the arrest +laws, of bailing, demurring, justifying bail, putting in bail above, of +writs of error, county and Marshalsea writs, of letters of licence, the +laws against usury, the bankrupt laws, and finally of acts of grace; +perhaps the last and only one in their lives bearing that name: but we +must walk on, or we may be overheard.” + +“Then,” said Dashall, “you are by this time pretty well acquainted with +the characters of your companions, and expect to leave the College with +more information than you previously possessed.” + +“No doubt of it,” was the reply; “but as my case was not desperate, +I have not sought desperate remedies. I am at this moment supposed by +certain friends of mine to be in the gay city of Paris, enjoying all +the luxuries of the Thuilleries, the Louvre, the Palais Royal, and the +Elysian Fields; and I doubt not I shall be able to convince an old rich +uncle of mine of the fact. And as my expectations chiefly rest on him, +and he cannot last long, I shall upon liberation make my approaches to +him with a little of the French polish I am preparing while here. This, +however, is selfish conversation.” + +“Yet perfectly in point,” continued Dashall. + +“And equally interesting too,” said Bob. + +“Do you see,” said Merrywell, “that young man buttoned up to the chin, +in what has been a blue great coat? He is one of the lecturers.” + +“Lecturers?” enquired Tallyho; “what, have you lectures in the College?” + +~51~~ “Undoubtedly we have, on subjects of the utmost importance too. +That young man, who began the world with slender property, but who +contrived by a strict adherence to ways and means to cut a dashing +figure, and live as if he had a large fortune, is in possession of +volumes of information, which he is willing to retail to such as require +it. What are termed lecturers here, are needy debtors, who put up young +men less knowing than themselves, for money or for a dinner; and his +experience is great, for when he had worn out all quarters of the town +in the way of trick, when the fashionable watering places were teeming +with clamorous creditors, when he was expelled from all the clubs in +consequence of not paying his subscriptions, nay, when he owed almost +all the waiters money, he came to this place nearly pennyless, and now, +by singing a good song, telling a tough story, and occasionally giving +lectures to his brothers in confinement, he manages to get a good dinner +daily, and seldom goes to bed sober.” + +“Then his ways and means are not yet exhausted; he must be a good +financier, and might be made very useful to the Minister,” replied Tom; +“and it is really a pity such talents are not duly appreciated.” + +“Who is that little stout man who passed you just now with a nod of the +head?” enquired Tallyho. + +“That,” answered Merrywell, “is Capt. W----, a sort of walking +automaton, a kind of medley of incomprehensibles, something like +pedants' periods, very inanimate, and as you perceive, very round. He +was formerly a button maker, but having a desire to sink the shank, he +enlisted under the banners of Cupid, paid his addresses to one of the +Queen's maids, carried the fortress by a _coup de main_, and gained a +safe lodgement in the covert way, by taking the oath of allegiance at +the altar of Hymen. Spurning buttons, he aspired to the epaulette, and +was appointed paymaster to the 7th Hussars. Then he set up a coach to +run to and from Maidenhead. This being one iron too many in the fire, +soon became too hot for him. He defaulted for a considerable sum, and +has been in quod for four years. Here comes a beau of the first order, a +Colonel, and a most determined Dandy, even in confinement. Colonel R---- +adheres as much to the nicety of dress in this place, as he would for +a military appearance on parade. He ~52~~ is Colonel of the New Grenada +Horse. I have not yet learned much of his former pursuits or his origin. +There is, however, an anecdote of him circulated, which prove the +admirable fitness of such a person for such a command. It is said +that when he obtained his appointment, he very significantly asked +the General, what stocks he should have for his guns, meaning the gun +carriages.” + +“That's a little too severe,” cried Dashall, laughing at the same time, +“it was but a _lapsus linguæ_, such as might happen to any man.” + +“I claim no merit in the relation,” was the reply; “however, it has +raised many a laugh at his expence, and as I had it so you now have it. +But we have other game in view, and must not be exhausting our time in +criticising immaterial points of propriety. + + “Here ruin'd Lawyers, ruin'd Clients meet; + Here Doctors their consumptive Patients greet, + Sick of one malady that mocks all skill, + Without the true specific golden pill + Here finished Tailors, never to be paid, + Turn eyes on many a coat themselves have made; + And Bailiffs, caught by their own arts at last, + Meet those their capias yesterday made fast. + There stalks a youth whose father, for reform, + Has shut him up where countless vices swarm. + But little is that parent skill'd to trace + The springs of action,--little knows the place, + Who sends an ailing mind to where disease + Its inmost citadel of health may seize.” + +“You entertain us with a diversity of mental dishes,” said Tom; +“Manacles, Mammon, and Morality, dance through the mazes of your +imagination in rapid and admirable succession--I wonder you don't +commence Lecturer.” + +“I do not conceive myself qualified, and as I have no real occasion +to be a pretender, I leave it to those who have.--O! there goes a +curiosity-- + +“If you look sharp you'll see the short knee'd breeches, Brown hat and +powdered head of stalking P--tch--s.” + +“He is known here by the title of Don; he has been a long resident +within these walls, has seen much of Life, and is still a gay fellow. He +was formerly a Member of Parliament, but not being able to overrule the +Speaker, he out-run the Constable, and was seized by ~53~~ the Bailiffs. +He is, however, a jolly companion, and lives well; but to show his +contempt for riches, he has actually seated his inexpressibles with the +parchment title deeds of his own estate, with impressions similar to the +old song-- + + “Why should we quarrel for riches, + Or any such glittering toys? + A tight heart and a thin pair of breeches + Will go through the world, my brave boye.” + +“Who is that with the rackets under his arm?” enquired Bob. + +“That is Baker, a sort of privileged man, who is allowed the advantages +of supplying the inmates with rackets, balls, &c. He lends rackets, +sells balls, keeps scores, and occasionally carries on the haberdashery +trade.” + +“Then he is a shop-keeper, I suppose.” + +“He is a measurer of tape” replied Merry well, “by way of refreshment, +or in other words, under safe circumstances, can spin out Old Tom or +Blue-ruin.” + +“I understand,” said Bob, “a little of the Cratur.” + +“Here,” continued Merry well, “is the coach-maker to the late +Christophe, King of Hayti, Mr. H---- of Long Acre notoriety. This +gentleman bought a considerable estate, which, with true parental +regard, he settled on his daughter, and paying for his purchase by his +residence here, whether his intentions will be fulfilled or not, so +as to obtain liberation by the Whitewashing Act, no one at present can +tell--and Colville is taking his walks--he is one of the Janitors, and +Crier of the place. He has a Stentorian voice, which is a part of his +business to exercise in calling the prisoners. I know but little of him, +and even that is not worth knowing. He, however, has the character of +being an informer, and I am not aware that he is in possession of any +good qualities. I shall, therefore, rather give a slight sketch of the +office he holds, than of the person.~54~~ + + “Whoe'er one night has slept within these walls, + Has heard the din that each new comer calls, + To where the keen-eyed Turnkeys wait to trace + The lineaments of every novel face. + Each morning thro' the Bench goes forth a cry, + By Colville sent thro' every gallery high. + To number “One,” peals round the shout from “Ten,” + Far rolling heard, “Pull up! now Gentlemen!” + +“This is the custom with every new comer, and is productive sometimes of +much mirth to some, but of infinite mortification to others, according +to the circumstances of the case. As it would occupy some time to +describe them, I shall give you a poetical sketch of a morning in the +Bench; and by the introduction of a fictitious name, make you acquainted +with a general practice. Imagine for a moment, + + “Rous'd by the force of that Stentorian sound, + Rose Belcour, dressed, and soon the lobby found. + About the door a throng of varlets stood, + A grinning and ill-favoured brotherhood, + That scoff and gibe at every wight that wears + Linen less black, or better coat than theirs. + For these, young Belcour was too fair a mark; + 'Make way,' cries one, 'he's going to the Park: + His horses wait; he's going for a ride.' + 'Fool, 'tis his tilbury,' another cried; + 'D'ye think his lordship rides without his spurs?' + 'A curse upon such base unmanner'd curs,' + Between his teeth impatient Belcour mutter'd, + As each his wit so truly attic utter'd; + Then, 'mid the laughter of the brutal throng, + Dark frowning through the door he moved along. + Within the upper lobby Morris sate, + And touch'd with easy complaisance his hat; + And cried, not deigning from his seat to stir, + 'We hope you're pretty comfortable, Sir. + 'These chaps about the door are rather rum; + 'But, love you! So they do to all that come.' + Short was the conference; the Turnkey's look + Quick cognizance of Belcour's features took; + And never, from that hour might he pass by + Unnoted by that well-observing eye.” + +“Well,” said Tallyho, “I must confess such scrutiny on the one part, and +such observations on the other, would be more than likely to ruffle my +temper, and I should be apt to signify my disapprobation, at least of +all that was unnecessary.” + +“In that case,” replied Merry well, “you would only subject yourself +to additional torment: you would have songs, epigrams, lampoons, and +epitaphs in abundance, which would prove still more irritating; for this +is the seat of learning and of wit, of poets, painters, and musicians, +who, being enraptured with their own arts, neglect that of book-keeping, +till a residence here gives them a leisure opportunity to close their +ledgers. + +~55~~ Speaking on that subject, by the by, we have among us, at this +moment, the publishers of the John Bull, whose combined efforts in the +way of scurrility have rendered them notorious among the periodicals +of present times. There is, however, little of public attraction about +them; and although they profess to have a subscription opened, to enable +them to pay the fine imposed upon them, it is doubted whether any +such is really in existence. Here, however, is a character of another +description: + +Captain K---- is still a gay fellow, though I apprehend rather what we +call hard up just now. He has had the opportunity of expending a very +considerable property in seeing Life, but if report say true, it has +been chiefly exhausted among the fair sex, and coffee-house keepers. +Seldom much depressed in spirits, let the world wag as it will, he +sometimes gives good dinners and enjoys himself with a friend, though I +suspect that can, under present circumstances, only be done when he can +pitch the gammon to the wine merchant, and induce him to stand the +nonsense.” + +“And do wine merchants give credit to persons in confinement?” enquired +Bob. + +“Certainly,” was the reply, “for services done or promised to be done, +or upon the security of some friend, who perhaps intends soon after to +pay his engagements by a similar mode to that of the person whose debt +he pretends to secure. No place can be found where the study of ways and +means is more closely attended to than this. Of our prisons in general, +much the same may be said as of our gaming houses; very few get out of +them as they went in. A dupe is the general character of those who +first enter; but they seldom fail to acquire that of knave before their +departure. The air is infectious, the society fatal to morality and +to honesty; few pass through the ordeal with purity, and return +uncontaminated to the world; and yet, after all the frauds, tricks, and +speculations practised, it is well to be acquainted with them, in order +to guard against the recurrence, if a man can but have fortitude enough +to avoid practising them himself.~56~~ + + “Think not that the action of the place + Is all revealed upon this open space; + The darkest portion of the picture lies + Obscur'd and cover'd up from public eyes; + Here much you see, that bids you all mistrust, + Much that provokes aversion and disgust; + New friends, who coolly ask a one pound note, + Or borrow for an hour, then pawn, your coat. + Such stuff as this upon the surface swims; + He little sees who but the surface skims. + How much of fraud and finished wickedness, + How much of deep despair and keen distress, + Thought of by few, and seen by none, the while, + Is chamber'd in the niches of this pile!” + +“Zounds,” cried Dashall, “your pictures have so much light and shade, +so much to admire, and so much to condemn, that there is scarcely any +possibility of arriving at any conclusion.--Bless me, there is Dick +Rakewell!” + +“Do you know him?” said Merry well. + +“What the devil are you doing here?” cried a young man advancing, and at +the same time catching the Honourable Tom Dashall by the hand; “Are +you initiated, or merely come to take a peep at the curiosities of this +menagerie? Have you tipp'd and shewn yourself in due form; or do you +still sport a game leg among the gallants of Bond Street?” + +“Fortunately,” said Dashall, “I can still boast of the latter, and have +no very strong inclination to aspire to all the honour and happiness of +the former.” + +“Grown serious and sedate; I suppose married, and ca'nt come--pretty +wife--lots of children--love and fireside comfort at home--pleasure +abroad--cash in hand, and care for nobody. That's the sort--give you joy +with all my heart--never were such times.” + +“I am glad you find them so,” continued Tom; “but your anticipations +are a little too rapid, and your imagination rather too vivid for my +proceeding; however, there is no knowing what we may come to; life is a +labyrinth full of turnings and windings. But what brought you here?” + +“Driven in by the Philistines,” was the reply; “caught like a harmless +dove by the Greeks--clean'd out.--By the cog, I was obliged to fly to +this pigeon house, in order to avoid being cut up by my creditors; and, +up to a little of the Newmarket logic, I am now crossing and justling +though it is doubtful at present who will win the race.” + +“You have not far to run, however,” replied Dashall, “and it is +therefore fair to presume the heat will soon be over.” + +~57~~ “As usual,” cried Rakewell, “always something short, but pungent, +like a pinch of merry-go-up{1}--satire and sentiment--mirth, morality, +and good humour--unmarried and still the same man. These are better +subjects of congratulation than the former.” + +“We shall dine at half past three,” said Merry well, “and if you are +inclined to make one along with us, you will find me at home.” + +“I should have no objection to meet you abroad,” exclaimed Rakewell; +“but, however, I'm your man. Half past three, d----nd unfashionable; but +never mind, + +I'll pick a bone with you; and spite of dull care and high walls, +'locks, bolts, and bars, we'll defy you;' and my life for it we have +a jolly afternoon. Is the cellar well stored, and the kitchen in good +repair?” + +“All right, my boy!” exclaimed Merrywell, “bring your bellows{2} in +good order, and don't be afraid of your bread basket.{3} The dibs are +in tune.{4} A ball of fire,{s} a dose of daffy, or a blow out of black +strap, will set the blue devils at defiance, give a spur to harmony, and +set the spirits a jogging.” + +“Then at half past three I'll have a turn to with you,” continued +Rakewell; “so no more at present from your loving Cousin. I am going now +to call on Fred. Fearnought; that fellow has deceived me; I thought +him a trump, but he's eaten up with hopes and fears, tormented in mind, +body, and estate, no more pluck than a dunghill chick. I must stir him +up with a long pole, give him a lesson or two, touch him to the quick, +and then quickly adjourn to you; so adieu for the present.” + +Thus saying, he made his escape from his friends, and, passing through +one of the entrances to the interior, was quickly out of sight. + +“That,” said Dashall, addressing his Cousin, “was one of the gayest of +the gay in all the leading circles of _haut ton_.” + +“And I assure you,” said Merrywell, “he has not lost one atom of his +vivacity, notwithstanding the alteration in his circumstances; he is +always full of humour, ready for a bit of fun even in confinement; he +plays, laughs, sings, drinks, and is about one of the most cheerful +companions I know.”~58~~ + + 1 Merry-go-up--Snuff. + + 2 Bellows--A cant term for the lungs. + + 3 Bread-basket--The stomach. + + 4 The dibs are in tune--There is plenty of money. + + 5 A ball of fire--A glass of brandy. + +“Then,” rejoined Bob, “he is a philosopher, for he has learned to bear.” + +“Yes,” continued Dashall, “but the other, and by far the most important, +part of philosophy is to forbear.” + +“That,” said Merry well, “he yet has to learn, and I have my doubts +whether he will accomplish that desirable object while here. He has, +with a moderate allowance from his father, contrived to drive his +four-in-hand at times, to keep seven or more horses on his hunting and +Town establishments; has kept some of the most dashing and expensive +ladies, expensive male company; indulged in extravagant habits of all +sorts, and has twinkled for a while in the highest gambling circles. +A run of ill luck has at last sent him here, but not before he had +honoured almost all the horse-dealers, coach-makers, and saddlers, +gunsmiths and tavern-keepers in Town, with his custom, or rather with +his name on their books. His father is a man of considerable property, +which must eventually come to him, and he may yet form a conspicuous +figure in High Life.” + +“What have we here?” said Tallyho, stopping to read a paper displayed in +the window of a barber's shop. + + “The old and only established shop at the prison + “price: shave well for one penny, hair fashionably cut + “for twopence, at 17 in 16, first staircase round the corner.” + +“Seventeen in sixteen--I don't understand this.” + +“Each of the doors,” said Merry well, “which lead to the apartments is +numbered, as is likewise every room in each passage, by which means +much facility is afforded to visitors who come to make a call upon their +friends. The operator himself is a prisoner, and so are most of those +who carry on trades; but opportunities are afforded for any person to +come in and supply articles to the inhabitants; and at an early hour in +the morning you may hear almost all the cries of London.”~59~~ + + “Milk, matches, eggs, and Epping sausages, + Greens, water-cresses, chips, geranium trees; + A brush or broom, deal wood, cow-heel, and tripe, + Fresh butter, oranges all round and ripe; + Rabbits, a kettle, jug, or coffee pot, + Eels, poultry, home-bak'd bread, and rolls all hot; + Shirt buttons, nosegays, coals, and God knows what + Such are the goods that pass the lobby door, + Cried in all tones that vary, squeak, and roar.” + +“A little further on,” said Merry well, “is the public kitchen, where, +for a trifling fee, cooking is performed for the prisoners, and hot +water supplied at a penny per kettle. Then there is a coffee-room and +a tap-room for general accommodation, according to the circumstances of +the inmates; so that in point of fact there is little to be regretted +here, but the loss of liberty, and the want of money.” + +“Zounds,” said Bob, “those two articles constitute all that is valuable +in life, and in their absence it dwindles into mere existence. + + “And bare existence man to live ordained, + “Wrings and oppresses with enormous weight.” + +“I admit the justice of the remark, for to become an article of +vegetation, were it sure of continuance, would be one of the most +irksome, as well as degrading situations to which a man could be +reduced. But you should recollect, that the generality of persons who +study in this College expect an early termination of their privations, +by which hope is kept alive; and when the cherished hope is realized, of +escaping from these walls, all recollection of the past is banished; +and it is doubtful whether the temporary absence from the possibility +of indulging in folly does not increase the possibility as well as the +power, when at liberty.” + +“Who do you call that man with his hands in his pockets?” pointing to a +person at a short distance from them at the moment, in slovenly attire, +and with a vacant countenance. + +“Hush,” replied Merry well, “for we have modest men here as well as +elsewhere; men who, though they have rendered themselves famous (a more +delicate term than notorious) are not emulous of having their deeds +recorded in history, and are indeed very tenacious of satisfying +enquiries: his name is F--rr--ter, not quite so vacant as he looks; for +it is, generally speaking, not your empty-headed fellows who can arrive +at the honour of a residence here, it is rather those of brilliant +imagination, of aspiring talent, who have been determined to have money +for a time, without heeding the source from which it was derived--who +have been up to snuff, till they have reduced themselves to the +necessity of resting contented with the marrow-bone stage instead of a +phaeton or a ~60~~ curricle, and twopenny in lieu of claret The +person you allude to, however, is brother to Cecil F--rr--ter of Court +notoriety, and has really been in possession of considerable property. +It is said that his principal failing has been too strong an inclination +to resort to the law, and that upon the law and lawyers he has expended +the bulk of his fortune.” + +“He cuts a curious figure now, however,” said Tallyho, “and every view +at first sight would take him for a. fortunate youth.” + +“Do you observe that man in mustachios, now talking with P----s? That +is Captain R----n, who bears a more striking resemblance in character to +the celebrated youth you mention; he had at one time inspired a belief +among those who knew him, that he was a man of property--married with a +view to realize it; and upon comparing notes after the nuptial knot +was tied, both parties discovered they were taken in; but it is not +ascertained whether this mutual disappointment ended with smiles.” + +“Why, it was no laughing matter,” said Tom; “the lucky hit was all a +miss.” + +“Yes, there was a Miss taken, and a Biter bit. Love is a lottery as well +as life, and the chances two to one against the adventurer,” replied +Dashall. + +“It may be so,” said Merrywell; “I am not fly{1} to the subject +at present; perhaps Sparkle could by this time unravel some of its +mysteries, and give beneficial lessons to us all: however, time is +flying, we will just make one more turn, and then to dinner with what +appetite we may. Do you observe the pericranium topp'd with a Prussian +cap, and the wearer with a pipe in his mouth?” + + 1 Fit--To be up to any thing, to understand, to know, or be + awake. + +“I was on the point of enquiry,” said Bob; “Pray who is he?” + +“That is another Captain.” + +“Who! One would almost think you have the whole army of Martyrs confined +here,” said Tallyho; “at all events, your ranks are not deficient of +officers.” + +“But then,” said Dashall, “they are out of commission and out of +practice.” + +“For want of command,” continued Merrywell; “though Capt. S----, +although never made a Commander in Chief, has been an exalted character, +having once been made ~61~~inspector of the pavement,{1} or in other +words knapp'd the stoop; and, if report says true, he has also figured +away in other situations equally honourable--a flash turf man--a naval +character, and a smuggler. But come, I have given you a sort of index by +which you may read, mark, and learn more, when we are more at leisure. +It is now half past three o'clock, and punctuality is always my motto.” + + 1 Inspector of the pavement, or knapp'd the stoop--Cant term + for the pillory. + +“Humph,” ejaculated Tom; “Cash down, and no grumbling.” + +“D----n severity,” was the reply; “no more of that, or we cut: touch my +honour, and you touch my life.” + +“Dot and go one,” cried Dashall. “Come along, Bob!” and catching his +Cousin by the arm, they followed Merrywell in silence to his apartment +in the State House. + +On arrival, they found the dinner on table; and Hakewell, true to his +appointment, arrived before them. The keen air of Surrey, though +rather confined, had furnished them with good appetites. Apologies +were banished, and to it they went without “let, hinderance, or +molestation”--the viands were good, the wines exquisite and plentiful. +The cloth being removed, mirth and conviviality were the order of the +day. + +Confusion to soft heads and hard hearts!--Parks and pleasure ground s +without priories! were drank in bumpers with enthusiastic applause. The +merriment and hilarity of Merrywell and his fellow student crowned the +afternoon with as much pleasure and delight, as Bob conceived he +could have found under unlimited circumstances. The good humour and +hospitality of the host was manifested in the perfect satisfaction of +those he entertained; and about eight o'clock, when Rakewell began to +mangle his mother tongue, our friends, after dropping their mites +into the canisters held out for their bounty, repassed the gates, well +pleased and highly diverted with the information they had obtained, +and the occurrences of the day; and not a little exhilarated by the +Bacchanalian juice. + +“Well,” said Tallyho, “this is a scene of _Real Life_, which I should +judge could scarcely be equalled, and would almost induce one to wish +for an opportunity of a residence along with the Collegians.” + +~62~~ “Provided always nevertheless with an equal opportunity of leaving +it when we please,” said Dashall; “and probably we have only seen one +of the best pictures it contains, for although we have been as jolly as +Sandboys, there is a large store of misery unseen. But let us proceed. +We shall soon be free from College Rules, and a thought strikes me, that +we can make a call on our road that will afford another view of society +equally amusing and refreshing. I have often observed to you, that in +order to see Life, there is no necessity to buz about with court flies, +to waste time and money in getting introduced to the tip tops of the +West, to join what are termed the fashionable circles, and to end a +fashionable career by a whereas or a whitewashing. The true student of +Real Life should occasionally mingle with all descriptions of persons, +mark the characters and their conduct; and, believe me, there are those +in the humblest situations, who enjoy themselves in their own way with +as much of heartfelt satisfaction as those in the highest, of which, +I think, I shall be able to give you a decided proof before we reach +home.” + +They now pursued their way along the London Road and over Westminster +Bridge, till Tom called a halt at the door of a friend. + +“Come, Bob,” said he, “here we must uncase--doff the present toggery, +and turn out in new trim for the evening.” + +“What!” enquired Bob, “another masquerade?” + +“No, no,” was the reply, “a temporary suspension of the dress and +character of a gentleman, in order to avoid being tormented and +suspected by the company to which I intend to introduce you.” + +Finding his friend at home, they were quickly supplied with tatter'd +garments and slouch'd hats, in which they again sallied forth, and about +nine o'clock they entered a low public-house in Scotland-yard. + +[Illustration: page62 Public House] + +“Fear nothing,” said Tom, as they passed the threshold; “don't be +flurried by any thing said to you, 'tis only a heavy-wet party among the +coal-heaving coves.” + +As Bob entered the room, his very first action betrayed him, for, being +accustomed to genteel behaviour, he took off his hat, which was in a +moment knocked out of his hand by a hard featured fellow near him, whose +face indicated the want of water, although so near the river. + +~63~~ “Order, order,” was vociferated in an instant by a jolly +good-natured looking man exalted above the rest, who, at the +same moment, rapped the table with his knuckles--“This here vay, +gentlemen--Bill Muggins, mind you I arn't had your penny in the plate +for Backy.” + +“Vy, that's a lie!” roar'd out a Stentorian voice, “I never takes my +seat before I sees my vay clear upon the board. I put a crooked ha' +penny.” + +“Yes, and two bad fardens vhat an't vorth nothing,” said another. “Make +him tip” cried a third, “or else stick him in the nitch.”{1} + + 1 Stick him in the nitch--Send him to Coventry. + +Bob having regained his castor, followed his Cousin to the other end +of the room, and after each depositing a penny in the plate, they took +their seats at the table, where, being supplied with a flowing quart, +they began to look around them. + +The first thing which struck Tallyho's eye, was “No trust,” printed in +large letters at one end of the room; a sort of indication, that a man +without money would not be likely to meet with agreeable entertainment: +then turning his head the other way, he discovered they were in a +house of call for Coal Porters. Before the president (who, by way of +distinction, had turned the broad flap of his coal-heaving hat forward +in the fashion of a huntsman's cap) was placed a small round table, on +which stood a gallon measure of heavy wet. On his right sat a worn-out +workman fast asleep, and occasionally affording his friends around him a +snoring accompaniment to a roar of laughter. + +“Silence, silence! vy don't you all be more quieter when I am going to +begin?” + +“Order, order, chair, chair!” now resounded from every one. + +“Vell, you know its no use at all for to make me take this here chair, +because vy--I an't got no woice.” + +“I knows better nor that,” said Bill Muggins, “for, by ----ven you fell +overboard the other day you roared like a rum un, and ven I pulled you +out you squeaked like a pig, so that are proves vhat you have got two +woices, and that's one more than you ought to have. Lord, Lord, if you +had but seen him and I get drunk a'ter it, you would ha' laughed--Dick +bolted blue ruin till his eyes sparkled just for all the vorld like a +vooden spoon against a soot bag.” + +~64~~ A general laugh succeeded this sally, which was accompanied by the +speaker with a violent blow upon the table, which threatened confusion +to the candles, glasses, and porter-pots, with which it was loaded. + +“Veil,” continued the chairman, “you know its all my eye, I an't got no +sing in me, so if you're a mind to be friendly, vill you heave out.” + +“Vy, you know Dick, for the matter o' that are, I never refuses you +nothing; nor, vhat's more, I never vont, so here goes. + + “Vhat a hearty blade am I, + Care ca'nt never touch my heart, + Every trouble I defy, + Vhile I views the foaming quawt. + A very good song, and very well sung; + Jolly kimpanions, every one, + Clap your hats on, keep your heads vann, + A little more liquor will do us no harm. + Blankets and pins, blankets and pins, + When a man's married his sorrow begins.” + +The six last lines were repeated as a chorus, till every one appeared +to be exhausted, and was succeeded by thunders of approbation, and +reiterated cries of “Well done, Bill--go it, Bill--Bill Muggins for +ever!” and the still unabated snoring of their companion in the corner. + +“Bill Muggins a'nt nothing but a good'un, Gemmen,” said the President; +“here's his health. Landlord, bring him a bolus of blue ruin. I say, +Bill, vhat shall ve say a'ter that are good song?” + +“Here's bad luck and no blue ruin to bad masters, and leg o' mutton and +turnups for trumps--that's all I got to say, so here goes.” + +The toast being drank, + +“Who is ve to call on now, Bill?” + +“Vy, Bob Martlet's the boy to come it strong.” + +Bob Martlet was accordingly called upon, but requested a few minutes to +prepare himself, as he was rather hoarse. + +During this interregnum, Dashall slipped out of the room, and gave the +landlord an order to place two bowls of punch on the tables, cautioning +him at the same time to say nothing of the party who paid for it, but +to say that a Gentleman, passing by the door and hearing them all merry, +had given an order for it at the bar. + +~65~~ Upon re-entering the room, Bob Martlet, with one eye bound up and +his hat in his hand, was bawling with lungs of leather, + + Lovely nymph! assuage my anguish, + At thy feet a tender swain, + Prays you will not let him languish, + One kind look would ease his pain. + Did you know the lad who courts you, + He not long need sue in vain-- + Prince of song and dance--you + Scarce will meet his like again! + +As this was a song to be sung in character, Bob Martlet determined to +profit by the instructions of Shakspeare, “to suit the action to the +word, and the word to the action,” and consequently at the word “dance,” + he introduced some steps to the great entertainment of the company; +but unfortunately jigging to another tune, in which all the broad brims +joined, he forgot the connexion of the words, and was compelled to sing +it over again, and to give his hornpipe by way of conclusion, which was +accompanied by the barking of a dog. + +Tallyho laughed heartily at this; the grotesque appearance of the +“tender swain,” and the dance in wooden shoes, were admirable, and +highly relished by his companions. The room resounded with applauses, +and it was some moments before silence could be obtained, when, lo and +behold, the landlord entered the room as a peace-breaker with two bowls +of punch. + +Consternation and surprise were visible in every countenance. The +confusion of tongues could scarcely equal the enquiries made in a +moment; but the landlord, having his cue, made no reply. But there +it is, will you drink it? It is all your own--and, to set you a good +example, here goes--Success to trade!--and took a hearty swig from the +bowl he placed before the President; then, taking the other bowl to the +lower end of the room, he evaporated, but soon returned with +glasses. Where he came from or how it was obtained, was banished from +consideration, and to make more, the remnant of a pot of heavy wet was +thrown into the bowl to mellow it, as the President observed, because +vy he liked things mellow. The punch was handed about, the song and the +toast passed merrily in succession till near twelve, when an unlucky +disturber of harmony, with a candle set fire to the whisker of Phill +the flue faker so called from his ~66~~having in his younger days been +a chimney-sweeper. Phill, who had slept during the noise of the evening, +was, notwithstanding his former trade, not fire-proof, awoke in a flame, +and not knowing the real depredator, upset the President, and nearly +knock'd him through a window just behind him--mill'd away in all +directions, growling with as much melody as he had before snored. During +the confusion of this affray, Tom and Bob took their departure from +Charley's Crib, which they understood was a nickname given to the place, +and, throwing themselves into a rattler, soon arrived in Piccadilly, +where we shall for the present leave them to their repose. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + “Since Life's but a jest, let us follow the rule, + There's nothing so pleasant as playing the fool, + In town we may practise, as well as at school. + + The world turns about the same things o'er and o'er; + We fool it--our forefathers fool'd it before; + They did what we do, which our sons will encore. + + Life's but a half holiday, lent us to stare; + We wander and wonder in vanity's fair, + All, baby-like, bawling for each bawble there: + + We, children like, covet the glitter of gay things, + Make racket for ribbands, and such sort of play-things, + Which we cannot have tho'--without we can say things. + + We take, or are in all our turns, taken in; + The world to be sure--'tis a shame and a sin,-- + Might soon be much better--but who will begin?” + +~67~~ “LONDON,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall to his Cousin, “abounds with +so much of munificence, that notwithstanding all its intricacies and +inconveniences, he who travels through life without visiting it, may +justly be said to know nothing; for it is all Life, its remotest corners +are full of animation, and although it is difficult to fancy how all +live, there are few but could give some satisfactory information if they +chose, though I am willing to believe many would rather wish to avoid +interrogation. We have already explored some parts of it, but be assured +there is still much to admire, much to applaud, and much to deprecate. +Our researches, after all, have been rather confined than extensive. It +is such an ever varying and never ceasing mine of observation, that it +is almost like the wishing cap of Fortunatus, with this exception, that +although every wish may be supplied, it requires something more than +putting on the cap to obtain the object desired.” + +~68~~ “From what I have already seen,” replied Tallyho, “I perfectly +coincide with you in the latter part of your observation, for I have no +doubt but perseverance and integrity, with some portion of ability, is +sure to meet reward.” + +“You are right,” continued Tom; “many instances could be pointed out +in proof of the justice of that remark: some of the greatest men of the +present day have rose from the lowest origin. Shop-boys and porters have +become tradesmen and merchants; shoe-blacks have become statesmen, and +servants councillors. But on the other hand, many who have been born, as +the old saying is, 'with a silver spoon in their mouths,' have 'fallen +from their high estates,' and lingered out the latter parts of their +lives in prisons or work-houses, laying the blame on fate, rather than +attributing failure to their own want of ability, prudence, or active +exertion. But come, I perceive the curricle is ready; let us take +a spank through the City, and look a little more minutely at the +mercantile world.” + +This call was instantly obeyed by Tallyho, who never doubted but +his Cousin had some object in view, though he frequently started from +Piccadilly without being previously acquainted with it. + +Passing out at Hyde Park Corner, Bon remarked that he thought the City +lay the other way. + +“Never mind,” replied Dashall, “we shall come to the point without +doubt. Why, man, there are more ways than one, and I am not particularly +partial to being blocked up in the public streets, amidst _knowing +jarveys and cramp carmen_, sugar hogsheads, molasses, and slush carts, +which is so frequently the case, when by a slight deviation from the +direct way, we can give the tits a rattler on a good road without +obstruction, and pocket a handful of time into the bargain.” + +He now turned into the road which leads directly to Vauxhall Bridge; on +arriving at which, Tallyho was much delighted with an extensive view of +the Thames. + +“This,” said Dashall, “will bring us to a favourite place of amusement, +where you have already cut a conspicuous figure.” + +“What do you mean?” enquired his Cousin. + +“A masquerade,” replied he significantly. “Go along Bob.” + +~69~~ Passing gently over the Bridge, “Do you observe,” continued he, +“that extensive building? That is called the Penitentiary. It is a +building designed for the punishment, employment, and reformation of +offenders of secondary turpitude, usually punished by transportation +for a term of years. It has been conceived since the commencement of the +disputes which terminated in the separation of the American States. +The plan of it is known to be partly that of Mr. Jeremy Bentham. The +culprits are confined in circular buildings, the windows of which are so +constructed, that the overseer from his room in the centre may be able +to view every one of their rooms. The external wall encloses no less +than eighteen acres of ground, within which are six of these circular +buildings, each capable of lodging and employing from 150 to 200 +prisoners, with a chapel, infirmary, and other conveniences. Its +situation is called Millbank.” + +“It looks,” said Bob, “like a castle, or tower, of impregnable +strength.” + +“It is, however,” continued Tom, “a useful institution, since it +supersedes that indiscriminate transportation so long practised, and +which, as applied to definite periods, was cruel and unjust, since the +wretched objects were precluded from the power of ever returning +to their native land, however short the intended period of their +banishment. This part of the world is much improved of late years. The +Bridge we are now passing, is an admirable light and elegant structure, +but recently erected, according to the plan of Mr. J. Walker, and +connects, as you perceive, by a straight line of road with Hyde Park +Corner. The road before us leads to Newington Cross, and thence by +various ways to the City. The Bridge consists of nine arches, of equal +span, in squares of cast iron, on piers of rusticated stone formed of +fragments, united by means of Parker's cement. Its width is 809 feet, +the span of the arches 78 feet, the height 29 feet, and the clear +breadth of the road way is 36 feet. It cost above 300,000L. But we +shall shortly cross another bridge, far surpassing it in point of +magnificence.” + +“It is wonderful indeed,” said Bob, “that in a country complaining of +a starving population, such serious sums of money should be expended in +the erection of splendid mansions and magnificent bridges.” + +~70~~ “Not at all,” was the reply, “for perhaps it is one of the +best ways of expending, as it gives employment to thousands who would +otherwise have become beggars on private charity, or paupers on public +bounty, either of which is revolting to the mind of an Englishman: +besides, if your observation applied at all, it would cut at every +improvement of the day; and you should recollect, that, whether upon +true foundations or not, every generation think the age they live in is +the most enlightened: so it may be with respect to the preceding, and +indeed, so much so, that the succeeding will rather decline than improve +upon it, but it would be difficult to convince them of the fact. It is +certain, however, that scarcely a day passes but some new invention or +improvement is offered to public notice. The perusal of the newspapers +is an evidence of my assertion; and as London is the centre of +attraction, so it is the seat of knowledge, of science and information.” + +“I should judge, that if a person who had lived some two hundred years +ago, even in this wild place, were to rise up amongst us, his surprise +and astonishment would be strongly excited,” said Bob, endeavouring to +draw forth more of his observations as they bowled along the road. + +“There can be no question on that subject,” said Tom, “for how would the +high ideas he entertained of the ingenuity of the age in which he had +lived, dwindle into nothing! Nay, should he appear in the country +first, what would he think of the various implements of husbandry, for +ploughing, and preparing the land; the different machines for sowing +the corn, for threshing, grinding, and dressing it; and in numerous +instances (though perhaps not quite so much now as it has been, on +account of the present agricultural distresses) he would find something +else too which he might not consider an improvement: instead of meeting +the honest homely farmer, assisting personally in the gathering in his +crops, and his daughter following the cart with a rake, he would find +the former mounted on his Prad following the hounds, and the latter at +boarding school. Instead of the farmer's son bringing home his cows of +an evening, and his sister going out to meet him at the sound of his +well known voice, with her milk-white pail, he would find the one poring +over Latin and Greek, and the other running her fingers over the chords +of a harp or piano-forte.” + +~71 “These,” said Bob, “are refinements in manners at least.” + +“Then, should he take a peep at London, as we are now doing, he would be +struck dumb with admiration. But here we are on the Waterloo Road. That +building on the right is the Coburg Theatre, so named in compliment +to the Prince of Saxe Coburg, who married the unfortunate Princess +Charlotte of Wales, the much regretted daughter of our present King. +Before us is Waterloo Bridge, which leads to the Strand, and was +originally denominated the Strand Bridge; it is acknowledged to be +one of the most majestic structures of the kind, perhaps, in the known +world, and was built under the direction of the late Mr. Rennie, to +whose memory it is said a monument is intended to be erected. The Bridge +consists of nine equal arches, and like the bridges of the ancients, +is perfectly flat, which you perceive the road we are now travelling is +not, for in some instances you may look over the wall upon another world +below, as we are above the tops of the houses. Its being level is a +circumstance highly favourable to the draught of carriages across it, +and without any apparent subtraction from its beauty. We will alight +here and walk leisurely across, taking time for remark.” + +The servants now took charge of the curricle, with orders to wait at the +corner of the Strand, while our heroes, having each deposited his penny +at the toll-house, strolled forward. + +Tallyho appeared delighted with the views around him: In the front, a +fine prospect of one of the finest cities in the world, and behind an +equally pleasing sight over the Surrey Hills. The day being fine, +and the sun darting his refulgent beams on the bosom of the Thames, +contributed to form, altogether, one of the most enraptured sights he +had ever beheld. The passing and repassing of boats and barges +below; and carriages, horsemen, and pedestrians, crossing the bridge, +alternately attracted his attention. + +“Each arch of this bridge,” said Dashall, “is 120 feet span; the piers +20 feet thick, with Tuscan columns; the width between the parapets 42 +feet; these footpaths are seven feet each, and the road-way is 28 +feet. The cost has been immense, and it is not likely that the original +subscribers will ever realize the capital expended.” + +~72~~ At this moment the sound of music attracted the ears of Tallyho. + +“What have we here?” said he, thrusting his head through the +balustrades, by which he found himself almost suffocated with smoke, +which stopped further enquiry. + +“Behold,” said Tom, “another improvement of the age; that is the +Richmond Steam Boat, proceeding with a cargo of live stock to that +celebrated place of public resort, and, in spite of wind and weather, +will return in the evening. They always have a band of music on board, +for the amusement of their passengers.” + +“Zounds,” said Bob, “they ought to have a smoke-consumer.” + +“They had one just now,” replied Tom; “for I apprehend you assisted them +in some degree, though not voluntarily.” + +“You are smoking me,” said Bob. + +“Never mind, you have only been puffing a cloud.” + +“However, as the mist is dispelled,” said Tallyho, “and we have, a clear +sky before us again, let us make use of our senses.” + +“To the right you perceive Blackfriars' Bridge, and beyond that the +Southwark Bridge. By the way, we were speaking of the alterations to be +witnessed in a country life. We will now pursue the subject, and suppose +for a moment our two-thousand-years-ago friend, after his visit among +the Swains, inclined to transfer his observations to the Great Town. The +first question would be, How shall I get there? Oh, there are plenty of +night coaches, and day coaches too, Sir. Well, then “fancy him seated in +a night coach, and having supped on the road, on resuming his corner +of the vehicle, he falls into a sound sleep. Guess what must be his +surprise on waking in the morning, to find himself in the bustle and +apparent confusion of the streets of the Metropolis. But how altered! +Wide streets and upright houses, instead of narrow lanes with houses +meeting each other at the tops. Then what elegant shops!--He would +exclaim, rubbing his eyes, 'Why, this is all a dream + +“Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain!” + +~73~~ 'It cannot be reality!'--However, he swallows a hasty breakfast, +and sallies out again to look about him. From London Bridge he espies +the one I have just mentioned, the Southwark Bridge.--'What have we +here?'--'Oh, Sir, that is the cast-iron bridge, with three arches, +over the Thames.' He hastens to it, and when upon it, what must be his +astonishment, at the power of the human mind to form, and of the human +body to bring together, such immense pieces of iron? To connect Queen +Street, Cheapside, with the Kent and Surrey Roads by three arches, the +centre of which is 240 feet span, and the side ones 210 feet each, the +arches all composed of cast iron, the piers and abutments of stone. +'Zounds,' he would exclaim, 'if the race of man dwindle in stature, they +grow daily more stupendous in intellect! 'But we will suppose, like +you, with an anxiety to see all that can be seen, he perceives a machine +sailing down the river with astonishing velocity; 'Why, formerly,' said +he, 'wind and tide against a vessel were insurmountable obstacles in its +passage, but now they seem to add to its swiftness; how is this to be +accounted for? '--'Easily enough,' replies a bye-stander; 'Lord +bless you, it's all done by steam. Hot water and smoke do every thing +now-a-days! Why there are a great number of machines, which formerly +required from two to forty or more horses each to put and keep in +motion, entirely worked by the steam arising from boiling water.'--' +Prodigious! Steam do all that! Astonishing!'” + +“And truly,” replied Bob, “notwithstanding I have witnessed many +improvements, I confess I am astonished at the various uses to which +this discovery has already been devoted, and the extraordinary powers it +possesses. + +“Well, we will pursue the train of thought a little further: Suppose, +perambulating the streets till he is quite tired, and seeing alterations +and changes out of number, he enters a Coffee House, eats a hearty meal, +and taking a glass or two of wine, he falls into a musing train of ideas +of the wonders he has been witnessing, from which he is not disturbed, +till the hoarse voice of a Charley sounds in his ear, 'Past ten o'clock, +and a cloudy night,' at which he hastily starts up, discharges his bill, +and prepares, by buttoning up close and securing his trusty stick, for +(as he would naturally expect) a dull dreary walk. He sallies out thus +equipped, and, to his utter astonishment, finds the streets as busy as +in the middle of the day, and almost as light. He steps up to one of the +lights to ~74~~ examine it--'What can this be? It is not oil, there is +no vessel to contain it; surely this can't be steam also! But what can +it be?'--'Gas, Sir,' says a passenger, who overhears the question, 'Gas; +it is produced from coals set on fire and confined in a furnace, the +subtle vapour from which is conveyed by means of pipes, and, light +applied to it, immediately bursts into a flame.' His astonishment would +now be complete, and if he did sleep after, it would be difficult to +persuade him it was not all a dream.” + + “Our wise forefathers knew the worth of land, + And bank'd the Thames out with laborious hand; + From fresh encroachments bound it's restless tide + Within a spacious channel deep and wide. + With equal pains, revers'd, their grandsons make + On the same spot a little inland lake; + Where browsing sheep or grazing cattle fed, + The wondrous waters new dominion spread; + Where rows of houses stood through many a street + Now rows of ships present a little fleet. + Nay, we had made, had Nature not refus'd, + Had Father Thames not begg'd to be excus'd, + A pretty tunnel underneath his bed, + And left him running, grumbling, over head; + Had scratch'd a track out, like a grubbing mole, + Through a long, dark, and damp and dirty hole-- + Like rats in sewers, had flounder'd through the mud, + Instead of sailing, duck-like, o'er the flood; + But bubbling springs chok'd up the project deep, + And trickling waters on our folly weep.” + +By this time they had crossed the Bridge, and having regained the +curricle, the Hon. Tom Dashall tickled the _tits_ in prime style along +the Strand, in the road to the City. Soon after passing Temple Bar, they +were attracted by a vast concourse of persons surrounding the shop of +Mr. Carlile,{1} from whence upon enquiry they learnt the + + 1 Perhaps some of the most remarkable occurrences in the + City of London have taken place at the house of Carlile. The + whole family have been tried and convicted of selling + treasonable or seditious works, and are now suffering the + sentence of the law. But, notwithstanding the combined + efforts of a powerful body, the shop is kept open, and it is + more than likely that a greater business is carried on now + than ever. In a recent Number of the Re-publican, published + by him, he makes the following observations:-- + + “Since my last went to press, we have thought it prudent to + resort to stratagem to defeat the schemes of the Gang, in + taking out every new hand from the shop by a warrant. We + now sell all publications, to suspicious and unsuspicious + customers, through a hole in a part of the shop, where it is + impossible for the purchaser to identify the seller, as + there are always two or three serving in the back ground, + none of whom can be seen or heard, to be identified + individually. These persons are frequently changed, so that + even if the enemy resorted to burglary and house-breaking, + upon the strength of any warrant, the seller of any pamphlet + or pamphlets could not be identified. Where the statue of + Paine stood, we are about to caricature the defeat of Murray + and Sharpe, and make them watch the hole through which the + money and pamphlets pass, without being able to prevent it. + There are fifty stratagems by which I could give full effect + to the sale of my publications, as well as if they were + sold openly, and which would defy prosecution, as the vender + could not be identified. I dislike this mode of doing + business; I like open, fair play; and I now make a + proposition to Stoddart, Clarke, Murray, and Sharp, that I + will do every thing openly, and give them the name of every + individual in my employ from time to time, if they will + confine themselves to the professions they have made through + “Cato,” their scribe, and not arrest until a Grand Jury have + pronounced a true Bill against the individual. If they will + not accept this proposition, they shall arrest no more, and + my business shall go on just the same. I tell them, for + their comfort, that the pamphlets sold daily through the + hole, have doubled the number of those sold openly + heretofore. Public curiosity they have excited, and am + reaping the benefit. They cannot put-me down. I will put + them down. Let the result bear witness. My friend in the + enemy's camp and councils, has my thanks for his valuable + information. He will perceive that all his information and + instructions have been acted upon.” + + The previous observations of Mr. Carlile are admirably + elucidated by the following Police Report of one of the + Newspapers: + + The Bridge-street Association.--After a cessation of + hostilities for two or three days, Mr. Secretary Murray, and + the forces of the Bridge Street Association under his + command, re-assembled at this Justice-room [Guildhall] on + Saturday. + + Mr. Honorary Secretary Sharp was also in attendance, and + remained in the public room with the Yeomen, while the Co- + Secretary was indulged with a private interview with the + Magistrate, Mr. Alderman Birch, in the parlour. Mr. Newman, + the City Solicitor, was also called into council, and + remained iu consultation with Secretary Murray some time; + there was much marching and countermarching in and out of + the office on the part of the Secretary and the Yeomen, but + no public application on the part of the Association was + made to the Alderman, and it was understood that there was + much difficulty in determining the manner of renewing, with + any prospect of success, the attacks upon the inmates of + “The Temple of Reason.” + + The difficulty, it seems, arose from the new mode of defence + adopted by the besieged. The little parlour which + adjoins the shop has been converted into a citadel, the + glass partition which separates them is closely blinded, and + the operations carried on in ambush behind it; two of the + squares of glass have been taken out, and in the place of + one of them is erected a box with an aperture for the + receipt of money, over which is an inscription, “Put your + money in here;” and in the other, a contrivance by which the + pamphlet wanted is slid down to the purchaser from the + inside of the citadel. This machinery, however, is used only + for the sale of such works as have already been made the + object of prosecution. The seller is invisible, and the + identification of his person rendered impracticable, unless + the citadel be taken by storm. Little Waddington, heretofore + the Radical standard-bearer, whose own experience has + procured for him an extensive acquaintance with the persons + of officers and informers, has assumed the command, and + conducts the operations in the front shop, where the sale of + such of Carlile's publications as have not as yet come under + the censure of the law, is carried on as usual. + +~76~~ officers of the Police had just taken one of the shopmen in +custody, for vending an alleged seditious or treasonable publication, +upon the information of a Yeoman in the pay of the Bridge Street Gang. +The crowd of persons induced our friends to make a little further +enquiry into the cause, who were soon informed, that in consequence of +the repeated attempts to stop the issue of books and pamphlets sold, at +what is denominated the Temple of Reason, a part of the shop had been +boarded off, so as completely to screen the venders of any publication +from the eye of the purchaser, and by this means to render abortive all +future attempts to identify any supposed offender. + +“Why,” said Dashall, “it is an old saying, and I believe a very +true one, If you tread upon a worm it will turn. Such appears to be +exemplified in the case of this man. You have also heard me remark, that +in London it signifies little by what means a man obtains popularity, +and here is a case exactly in point. An extensive body of rich men have +combined their efforts to crush an individual of little importance in +the world, and who perhaps would before this have been forgotten, but +for their indiscreet interference with his pursuits. They are now not +only foiled in their endeavours to obtain fresh exercise for their +Yeomen, and more work for their Lawyers, but, in consequence of their +determined opposition, the world is likely to be deluged with every +obnoxious publication, without any chance of detecting the sellers.” + +“It is a curious manouvre,” said Tallyho. + +“Yes, and it appears to have the desired effect with the Carliles and +their adherents. They carry on the war in ambuscade, and are selling, +without fear, books and ~77~~ pamphlets, of which but for the +_Constitutional Committee_, as they call themselves, perhaps half the +world would have known nothing. Such, however, is frequently the effect +of intemperate zeal, and these Gentlemen have blown into notoriety that +which they intended to suppress, whether upon the substantial grounds of +reason or propriety, I leave others to decide.” + +Becoming now entangled in a double row of carriages, with little +prospect of making further progress for some time, our friends resigned +the curricle to the care of the servant, and proceeded on foot to the +City Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, for refreshment.{1} + + 1 When the City Coffee House was first opened, Dr. Johnson + frequently called there, and one morning observing a large + book upon the table, took it up, and after inspecting the + outside with great attention, he found it to be Minshew's + Dictionary of Twelve Languages; upon which he turned round + to the master of the house and asked him, “What use he could + have for such a book?” “To amuse literary Gentlemen,” was + the reply. “Do you under-stand any of these languages?” “I + find it a very difficult task, Sir, to understand my own, + and I am not possessed of the erudition of a Johnson.” The + Doctor looked at him stedfastly and replied, “Sir, you are a + very impudent fellow.” “Sir, I am sorry you think so,” + replied the proprietor, “and I hope we shall both of us mend + our manners.” On this the Doctor drank his chocolate, and + marched out of the house. + +This Coffee House is much resorted to, and, in point of comfortable +accommodation, is perhaps not surpassed by any in London. + +Having regaled themselves, and looked over the leading papers of the +day, they proceeded to inspect the interior of that noble edifice, the +pride of the British empire, St. Paul's Cathedral. + +“According to vulgar tradition,” said Dashall, “this church occupies the +site of a Roman temple, which was consecrated to Diana; but the son of +Sir Christopher Wren, in his Parentalia, controverts this opinion, and +contends, that the first cathedral of the Episcopal see of London was +built in the area, the seat of the Roman Prætorian camp, the precise +spot on which the present church stands. It is supposed to have been +destroyed in the general persecution under the emperor Dioclesian, to +have been re-edified under Constantine, to have been demolished by the +Pagan Saxons, and to have been restored in the seventh century, when the +Saxons embraced ~78~~ Christianity. From this period it has been four +times rebuilt, and at the great fire of London was totally destroyed.” + +These remarks premised by Dashall for the information of his friend, +they proceeded to view the several statues and funeral monuments, +displayed with uniformity and executed with considerable taste, by which +the interior of the church has been much improved in appearance.{1} + +After having examined these stately and expressive mementos of +mortality, the two visitors were asked by their attendant, whether they +would pass to the stone and iron galleries outside of the church; but +this, having so lately enjoyed the extensive prospect from the Monument, +they declined, and proceeded at once to the Library, the first object to +be seen in the ascent. + +Our two visitors were very much pleased with this handsome room, which +in its dimensions is about fifty feet by forty, having shelves of books +to the top, with a gallery + + 1 The statues of Dr. Johnson, and Howard the philanthropist, + both executed by the late Mr. Bacon, were opened for public + inspection in 1796. That of Dr. Johnson represents a moral + philosopher, with the attitude and expression of intense + thought, leaning against a column, indicative of the + firmness of mind and stability of principles of the man whom + it is intended to commemorate. + + The statue of Howard, in which the character of active + benevolence is well expressed, stands upon a pedestal of + white marble, on which is a group of bas-relief, + representing a scene in a prison, where the philanthropist, + having broken the chains of the prisoners, is bringing + provision and clothing for their relief. + + The statue of Sir William Jones, a man well known for his + extensive and multifarious erudition, whose study it was to + make the British name honoured and revered amongst the + nations of the East, is also the work of Bacon, and was + erected by the East India Company. + + Amongst the monuments lately raised in commemoration of de- + parted worth, is that of Nelson, and in design and execution + it is not exceeded by any in the Cathedral. + + In the open part of the Cathedral, the stranger will be + struck with the appearance of numerous tattered flags, the + trophies of British valour. Those over the aisle leading + from the western door, were taken in part during the + American War, and the rest by the Duke of York at + Valenciennes. Those on both sides near the north door, were + reprisals made from the French by Lord Howe, on the 1st of + June, 1794; opposite to which, on the right hand, are the + flags taken from the Spaniards by Lord Nelson, in 1797; and + on the left are those taken from the Dutch by Lord Duncan, + at Camperdown, and by Lord Keith at the Cape of Good Hope. + +~79~~running along the sides. The floor is of oak, consisting of 2376 +small square pieces, and is not only curious for its being inlaid, +without a nail or a peg to fasten the parts, but is very neat in the +workmanship, and beautiful in its appearance. The principal things +pointed out to a stranger, are several carved stone pillars, some Latin +manuscripts, written by Monks 800 years ago, and an English manuscript +illuminated, containing rules for the government of a convent, written +in old English, about 500 years since, all in fine preservation. + +The clock-work and the great bell were the next curiosities that +attracted the attention of our visitants. On the latter, weighing +11,470lbs. the hammer of the clock strikes the hours. It was now noon, +and the ponderous hammer put itself into motion, and slowly, yet with +astounding impetus, struck the bell, and the reverberation tingled on +the auricular organs of the two strangers with painful and stunning +effect throughout the long protracted intimation of the hour; nor was it +until a considerable time had elapsed, that their hearing recovered from +the clanging agitation.{1} + + 1 This bell is never tolled but upon the death of some of + the Royal Family, of the Bishop of London, or of the Dean of + St. Paul's, and then the clapper is moved and not the bell. + In the stillness of night, the indication of the hour by the + deeply sonorous tone of this bell may be heard, not merely + over the immense Metropolis, but in distant parts of the + country. The fact is well known of the sentry at Windsor, + who, when accused of having been asleep one night on his + post, denied the charge, saying, “That he had been listening + to St. Paul's in London, which had just struck thirteen!” + And this assertion was, upon enquiry, satisfactorily + corroborated. + +They were now ushered into the _Whispering Gallery_, which is +constructed on the very simple principle of an unbroken communication. +It is 140 yards in circumference, and a stone seat runs round the +gallery along the foot of the wall. On the side directly opposite to the +entrance door, Dashall and his friend seated themselves, when the person +who shewed the gallery whispered close to the door, at the distance +of 140 feet, and yet they heard his voice seemingly at their ear. The +shutting of the door resembled a clap of thunder. From this gallery, +round the inner circle of which is an iron balustrade, the marble +pavement of the church exhibits a beautiful appearance, and the +paintings of the dome, which have ~80~~ greatly suffered by time, are +thence seen to the greatest advantage. + +The ascent to the ball is attended by some difficulty, and is +not encountered by many. Our two visitants therefore declined its +inspection. The interior diameter of the ball is six feet two inches, +and will contain twelve persons.{1} + + 1 A new ball and cross have lately replaced the former, of + similar dimensions. The erection of the scaffolding, and + subsequent proceedings of the workmen, at so fearful a + height from the “haunts of men,” excited a very general + interest, more particularly so on the recent happy + accomplishment of the undertaking, when the in-trepid + aeronauts cheered the admiring multitude far beneath, and, + seated in the clouds like the deities of Mount Olympus, + drank to the prosperity of their friends in the nether + regions. + +The best view of the metropolis is obtained, in a clear day, from the +gallery at the foot of the lantern. The diminutive appearance of the +passengers and other objects beneath is extremely amusing, and resembles +the Elfin Panorama of the capital of Lilliput. + +The calm serenity of the interior, the awful grandeur of the structure +itself, and the reflections arising from the contemplation of monuments +erected to the memory of departed worth, with the splendid achievements +of heroic minds, formed a strange contrast to the scene which presented +itself to their view on leaving this magnificent pile. The hurry, +bustle, and confusion of the street, the noisy vociferations of +coachmen, carmen, &c. burst upon their senses at a moment when the mind +had been soothed by reflection, and the eye gratified with a sight which +led imagination into futurity, before which the past and the present +had appeared to evaporate. The Hon. Tom Dashall, however, was quickly +recalled by observing his curricle so completely hemmed in between +contending parties to obtain liberation at the corner of Paul's chain, +as to afford but little chance of escape from its intricate situation +for some time. + +“Zounds,” said Tom, “we had better return and take a seat among the +worthies within, for I have no idea of mounting the curricle, to sit and +be quizzed.” + +“Any chance,” said Bob, “is better than that; but at all events your man +is able to take care of the carriage and cattle, and we are competent to +the care of ourselves.” + +“Well hinted,” replied Tom, “and it shall be acted upon.” + +~81~~ Thus saying, he made his way through the throng, and gave orders +for the curricle to proceed home as soon as it could be extricated from +its present confinement. Then returning to his Cousin, + +“It is not the first time I have been disappointed; I had made up +my mind to proceed much farther; but the very scenes we have been +inspecting are proofs of the inability of man to perform all his wishes, +although equally' a proof of the splendid talents and determined valour +of our renowned and deservedly remembered countrymen, and are well +calculated to inspire us with patience, fortitude, and forbearance. At +the other door we can escape from the bustle of this side; and perhaps +the best thing we can do under existing circumstances, will be to speed +homewards, and after dinner relax a little from our toils, in order to +recruit for further activity.” + +“Have with you,” said Bob; “we have enjoyed the first part of the day on +a variety of interesting subjects, and after a cheerful and refreshing +ride, have at last arrived at the threshold of eternity. We may as well +escape for this time if we can, and cheat the grim tyrant of mankind. +Although our ride has been a long one, our walk back is but short, so +let us lose no time.” + +In accordance with this recommendation, he caught hold of Dashall's arm, +proceeded through the Cathedral, and arrived at Piccadilly without any +thing remarkable or particular to record, where we shall for the present +leave them to their enjoyments among the able writers with which Tom's +bookcase was well stored. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + Hail! venerable pile! with awe I tread + The sacred mansion of th' illustrious dead! + Where rise, o'er forms now mould'ring into dust, + The “storied urn” and “animated West.”-- + Beneath the fretted dome, aspiring high, + Here monarchs, heroes, poets, sages, lie! + “Deaf the prais'd ear, and mute the tuneful tongue,” + Here sleeps the bard with those whom erst he sung; + And all consigned to one impartial doom, + Lo! kings and subjects levelled in the tomb! + +IN a perambulation westward, our friends shortly reached the precinct +of Westminster Abbey, or the collegiate Church of Saint Peter; the most +ancient religious structure in the metropolis. + +Divested of fabulous narration, its history is briefly as follows. Its +name is obviously derived from its situation, in the west, and from its +original destination as the church of a monastery. It was founded by +Sebert, king of the East Saxons; was destroyed afterwards by the Danes; +was subsequently re-built by king Edgar in 958; the church was again +re-built by Edward the Confessor in 1065; and by Pope Nicholas II. it +was constituted a place of inauguration of the English Monarchs. Henry +III. re-built it from the ground, and Henry VII. added a magnificent +chapel at the east end of it. The monastery was surrendered by the +abbot and monks to Henry VIII. who first converted it into a college of +secular canons, and afterwards into a cathedral, of which the county of +Middlesex was the see. His successor, Edward VI. dissolved the see, and +restored the college, which was again converted by Mary into an abbey. +That institution was dissolved by Elizabeth in 1560; she founded the +present establishment, which is a college consisting of a dean, 12 +secular canons, and 30 petty canons; to which is attached a school of +40 boys, denominated the Queen's or King's scholars, with a master and +usher; and also twelve alms-men, an organist, and choristers. + + +Its greatest length is 489 feet; the breadth of the west front 66 feet; +the length of the cross aisle 189 feet; and the height of the roof 92 +feet; the west end is adorned with two towers, which were built by Sir +Christopher Wren. The nave and cross aisles are supported by two rows +of arches, of Sussex marble, one above the other, each of the pillars of +which is a union of one massy round pillar, and tour others of a similar +form, but slender. These aisles are lofty, and each of the small pillars +being extended from the base to the roof, they produce an idea at once +sublime and awful. Besides the cross aisle there are two side aisles, +which are lower than the nave; and, being in a just proportion, they +unite with the other parts of the edifice to produce a harmonious +effect. The choir, from which there is an ascent by several steps to +a magnificent altar-piece of white marble, is divided from the western +part of the great aisle by two iron gates, and is perhaps the most +beautiful choir in Europe: its roof was materially injured by fire, +occasioned by the carelessness of the plumbers who were repairing it +in 1803, but it has since been completely restored, at an expence of +upwards of £4000. In this choir is performed the coronation of the Kings +and Queens of England. + +This succinct account will not prove unacceptable, we hope, to our +readers. + +The attractive spot at the southern extremity of the cross aisle was +now entered by the two friends. “This,” said Dashall, “is called Poet's +Corner, and never could a place be named with more propriety.” + +Tallyho cast an eye of intense observation on these sacred records +of departed excellence. Here he found the names of Chaucer, Spenser, +Shakespeare, Johnson, Milton, Dryden, Butler, Thomson, Gay, Goldsmith, +&c. There also, as though the spot were dedicated to genius of the +highest rank, are the tombs of Handel and Garrick. The Squire in his +admiration of the British Poets, now gave full scope to the ardency of +his feelings, and surrounded by the sculptured images of the bards of +former days, he seemed as if environed by a re-animated constellation of +genius, and wrapt in the delirium of its inspiritive influence. + +~84~~ Westminster Abbey contains a great number of monuments of kings, +statesmen, heroes, poets, and persons distinguished by genius, learning, +and science; but many of these monuments can be regarded as little +better than so many disfigurements of the buildings. Some however are to +be spoken of with praise, and the best are the productions of Reubilliac +and Bacon. + +The curiosities of Westminster Abbey consist chiefly of twelve chapels, +the principal of which were visited by Dashall and his cousin; but to +the chapel of Henry VII. their chief attention was directed. This chapel +is contiguous to the eastern extremity of the church, and opens into it: +it is dedicated to the Virgin Mary, and is one of the finest specimens +of Gothic antiquity in the world. On its site formerly stood a chapel +dedicated to the Virgin Mary, and also a tavern, distinguished by the +sign of the White Rose: Henry resolving to erect a superb mausoleum for +himself and his family, pulled down the old chapel and tavern, and +on the 11th of February in the year 1503, the first stone of the new +structure was laid by Abbot Islip, at the King's command. It cost +£14,000, an immense sum for that period, particularly considering +the rapacious temper of the king. The exterior of the chapel is +distinguished by the richness and variety of its form, occasioned +chiefly by 14 towers, elegantly proportioned to the body of the edifice, +and projecting in different angles from the outer-most wall: the inside +is approached by the area at the back of the chapels of Edward the +Confessor and Henry v. The floor of this chapel is elevated above that +of the area, and the ascent is by a flight of marble steps: the entrance +is ornamented with a handsome gothic portico of stone, within which +are three large gates of gilt brass, of curious open workmanship, every +pannel being enriched with a rose and a portcullis alternately. The +chapel consists of the nave and two small aisles: the centre is 99 feet +in length, 66 in breadth, and 54 in height, terminating at the east in a +curve, and having five deep recesses of a similar form: the entrance to +these recesses is by open arches, and they add greatly to the relief and +beauty of the building: it is not improbable that they were originally +so many smaller chapels, destined to various uses. The side aisles are +in a just proportion to the centre, with which they communicate by +four arches, turned on gothic pillars; each of them is relieved by four +recesses, a window, with minute and curious ~85~~divisions, running the +whole height of each recess. The upper part of the nave has four windows +on each side, and ten in the eastern extremity, five above and five +below. The whole of the roof of the chapel, including the side aisles +and the curve at the end, is of wrought stone, in the gothic style, +and of exquisite beauty. An altar-tomb erected by Henry, at the cost of +£1000, to receive his last remains, stands in the centre of the chapel. +It is of basaltic stone, ornamented and surrounded with a magnificent +railing of gilt brass. This monument was constructed by Peter +Torregiano, a Florentine artist, and possesses extraordinary merit. Six +devices in bas-relief, and four statues, all of gilt brass, adorn the +tomb. + +In addition to these venerable antiquities, which all deserve to be +seen, a variety of figures in wax, and in cases with glazed doors, are +shewn as curiosities to the stranger; but they ought to be removed, +as disgraceful to the grandeur and solemnity of the other parts of the +scene, and as a satire on the national taste, which can scarcely +be excused, when such things are exhibited in a room for children's +amusement. + +Every lover of the arts must lament that this beautiful relic of gothic +taste is falling rapidly to decay; notwithstanding, within the last +twenty-four years, the Dean and Chapter of Westminster have expended the +sum of £28,749 in general repairs of the abbey. Parliament, however, has +at last granted the requisite aid, and the sum of £20,000 has been voted +to commence the repairs, which are now going on. It has been estimated +that the necessary repairs of Henry the VIIth's chapel will cost about +£14,800 and the ornamental repairs about £10,400. + +The prospect from the western tower of the abbey is more beautiful and +picturesque, though less extensive, than that from St. Paul's. The west +end of the town and its environs, the Banquetting-house at Whitehall, +St. James's park, the gardens of the Queen's palace, the extremity of +Piccadilly and Hyde-park, with the Serpentine River, and the distant +groves of Kensington Gardens, present a varied and magnificent view +towards the west. On the other hand, the bridges of Westminster, +Waterloo, and Blackfriars, with the broad expanse of the Thames, and +Somerset-house on its banks, and St. Paul's towering pile, together with +the light Gothic steeple of St. Dunstan's in the East, present a most +noble and ~86~~ interesting prospect. From this tower the exterior form +of St. Paul's, when the sun falls upon it, is distinctly seen, and here +its exquisite beauty will be more fully comprehended than in any part of +the city, for a sufficient area to take in the entire outline is not to +be found there. + +This prolixity of description will not, we presume, be considered by our +readers, as a tedious digression from the main subject.--_Real Life +in London_ cannot be better elucidated, than by uniting incident with +appropriate anecdote, and amidst the perambulations of our respectable +associates, which led them to the ancient and interesting edifice of +Westminster Abbey, it necessarily followed that we should illustrate +the subject, by a brief, yet accurate and interesting account of the +antiquity, et cetera, of the object under consideration. + +Having gratified their wishes by a cursory inspection of what their +guides were pleased to denominate “Curiosities,” our two heroes were +on the eve of departure from the Abbey, when Bob begged that the guide +would repeat the terms of admission to view these repositories of +mortality. + +“The tombs,” said the conductor, “at the east end of the church, with +the chapel of Henry VIIth, the price of admission to view these, sir, is +six-pence; the models three-pence; the tombs at the northern part of +the cross aisle three-pence; and the west end and tower of the abbey +six-pence.” + +Tallyho expressed his surprise that the house of God and the depository +of the dead, should be so shamefully assigned over to the influence of +Mammon, and a price of admission as into a place of public amusement, +exacted by those to whose mercenary government the ancient structure of +Westminster Abbey had devolved. “Was it thus, always,” asked he, “from +the time of Henry IIId?” To this enquiry, the guide replied merely by +a shrug of his shoulders, rather indicative of contempt than otherways, +and to a further question of “Who is the receiver general of these +exactions, and to what purpose are they applied?” he preserved a sullen +taciturnity. + +From the south aisle of the abbey there are two entrances into the +cloisters, which are entire, and consist of four arched walks on the +sides of an open quadrangle. There are many monuments in these walks, +but four of them, beneath which are the remains of four of the abbots +~87~~of Westminster, at the east end of the south walk, are all which +merit particular attention.-- + +Amongst the ancient records deposited here, the two friends were +gratified with a sight of those of the Court of Star-chamber, and of the +original Domesday-book, which is still as legible as the first hour it +was written. + +Against the south-west part of the west front of the abbey, is the north +front of the Jerusalem chamber, remarkable for being the place where +king Henry IV. breathed his last.{1} + +North from the abbey stood the Sanctuary, the place of refuge allowed +in old times, to criminals of a certain description; and, on the south +side, was the eleemosynary or almonry, where the alms of the abbot were +distributed.--This place is remarkable for being the spot in which the +first printing-press ever used in England was set up; and here, in 1474, +Caxton printed the Game and Play of Chesse, the first book ever +printed in England.--A new Court House is now built on the site of the +sanctuary. + +Having seen in the Abbey every curiosity of note, its two visitants +directed their course into Westminster Hall, the great national seat +of justice.--This together with the House of Lords, and the House of +Commons, are the remains of the palace of Westminster, built by Edward +the Confessor, the situation of which was close to the river Thames, and +the stairs leading from it still retain the name of palace stairs. The +hall itself is the largest room in Europe, except the theatre at Oxford, +unsupported by columns. It is 275 feet in length, 74 in breadth, and 90 +in height, the roof being of oak, of curious gothic architecture. It +was originally used as a place of festivity, and Richard IId entertained +10,000 guests within its walls. In this hall Charles I.. was tried and +condemned; and at present it is occasionally fitted up for the trial of +peers or of any person impeached by the Commons. + +Our heroes now relinquishing the contemplation of the olden times for +the enjoyment of the passing scenes of the modern, turned their steps +in the direction of Whitehall; passing through which, and facing the +Banquetting-House,{2} their observation was attracted to a gentleman on + + 1 See Shakespeare's Play of Henry IV. Part II. + + 2 In front of the Banquetting House, on a scaffold, Charles + I. was beheaded on the 30th of January, 1648;--His Majesty + passed from the Banquetting House to the scaffold through + one of the windows. + +~88~~horseback, followed by a number of people, by whom he was +frequently and warmly cheered; and _en passant_ was recognized with +other popular feeling of regard and respect. Dashall stept forward to +reconnoitre, and ascertained that the favourite was no other than the +worthy representative of the borough of Southwark, Sir Robert Wilson, +Knt. lately deprived of his rank as a General, “for,” continued Dashall, +“nobody knows what, unless the enormous crime of paying his last tribute +of respect to the memory of an “injured Queen;” and endeavouring, in +the temperate language of remonstrance, to prevent the effusion of human +blood! His character however, is too firmly rooted to sustain injury +from the breath of slander; and the malignity of his enemies has +recoiled on themselves: thanks to a brave, just, and generous people, +who are ever prone to save whom persecution aims to destroy.” + +Dashall seemed warm in defending the cause of this gallant officer, and +the Squire listened with correspondent satisfaction. + +“The allied Sovereigns,” observed Dashall, “in General Sir Robert +Wilson, found all the essential requisites of a good soldier: of skill +to plan, and of valour to execute. They were chiefly indebted to his +judgment and intrepidity for the victory of Leipsic; to which ample +testimony was given by the Emperors of Russia and Austria; the latter of +whom, during the intensity and perils of the engagement, he extricated +from the imminent hazard of captivity. His services have not been of +less importance in the armies of his own country, as acknowledged by +the Commander in Chief, who has now rewarded him by recommending his +dismissal, at the instance, no doubt, of Ministers; anxious by this +procedure to annihilate his independent feelings, and render them more +subservient to the doctrine of non-resistance and of passive obedience +to the existing authorities!”{1} + + 1 This object is already defeated.--Amongst all classes Sir + Robert Wilson's dismissal has excited strong feelings of + reprobation. Certainly, whatsoever other name may be given + to the act, it cannot be called a just one, to degrade an + honourable man from his rank, and deprive him of the half + pay (which in a great measure accrued to him from purchase,) + without accusation, arbitrarily, and on secret and suborned + information of having; merited the inflicted contumely. But + futile has been the effort of malevolence; Sir Robert + Wilson's half pay was £460 per annum, and the subscriptions + in indemnification of his loss already exceed £10,000. + +~89~~Pursuing their course along the Strand, and ruminating on the +alarming increase of juvenile depravity, Tallyho could not avoid +remarking on the numerous temptations held out to the vicious and +necessitous in this wide-spreading and wealthy metropolis--“For +instance,” making a full halt, with his friend, against the spacious and +unlatticed window of a jeweller's shop, Dashall admitted the truth of +his companion's observation. Here on promiscuous display were seen +most valuable articles of jewelry, stretching multitudinously from one +extremity to the other of the window, consisting of gold and silver +watches, elegant and richly wrought seals, musical snuff-boxes, diamond +rings, diamond pins, &c. embracing, in vast variety, a property of +immense value, divided from the street by “thin and undefended squares +of glass only; and that the lure might prove still more attractive, each +article marked at its price, some 25, some 50, 75, 100, and 200 guineas +each! A dash and a grab might secure to the depredator possession of +wealth; and while such temptations are held out, the surprise is, not +that so many street robberies are, but that a great many more are not +committed. The many thousands in London out of employment, and of these +perhaps the greatest number unhoused and famishing, would it be much to +be wondered at if some of these sons of misery, goaded onwards to crime +by the extremity of human suffering, were to attempt the possession of +spoil, so carelessly exposed, and apparently so easily obtainable?{1} + + 1 Lord Mansfield once presided as Judge, when an unfortunate + man was tried for stealing an article of jewellery from a + shop-window, exposed by its unguarded state to depredation, + and more encouraging than otherwise, the hope of success.-- + It proved differently, and the prosecutor seeming determined + to proceed against the wretched man, even to capital + punishment, Lord Mansfield, indignant at the severity of the + owner of the trinket, and compassionating the state of + misery and destitution, under the influence of which the + poor prisoner at the bar, stimulated too by its careless + exposure, had committed the felony, desired the Jury to + value the trinket in question at ten pence.--The prosecutor + started up in surprise, and exclaimed, “Tenpence, my Lord! + why the very fashion of it cost me ten times the sum!” “That + may be,” returned his Lordship, “but we must not hang a man + for fashion's sake!” + +~90~~“Here conies silly Tom and staggering Bob,” exclaimed a fellow, as +he approached towards our pedestrians. Tallyho had grasped more firmly +his oaken sprig, with the intention of trying the crankness of the +observer's pericranium, when Dashall perceived that the obnoxious remark +was directed to a simple looking old man, dejectedly leading a horse +“done up,” and apparently destined for the slaughter-house. + +“Where now, Tommy,” continued the querist, “with thy decayed bit of +blood?” + +“Aye, aye,” answered Tommy, despondingly, “even to the naggers,{1}--'tis +what we must all come to.” + + 1 A Naggerman is a wholesale horse-butcher! his business is + frequently so extensive as to enable him to employ a vast + many hands, and so lucrative as to ensure him a fortune in a + very few years; the carcases are sold to the dealers by whom + they are cut up, and sold in quarters to the retailers, and + purchased by the street venders; these latter form one of + the prominent itinerant avocations, and supply with food all + the dogs and cats of the metropolis! + +“And so thy master has passed the doom of death against his old servant +Bob, on whose back he has been safely borne, in the chase, “many a time +and oft,” as the song says, “o'er hedges, gaps, ditches and gates; +and fleet of foot as thou wert,” patting the animal with feelings of +commiseration,” and often as thou hast replenished thy master's purse, +thou art now going to the slaughter-house!” + +“Even so--the faithful servant, now no longer useful, is discarded.” + +“And put to death!--Why man, thy master is a d----d unfeeling, +ungrateful scoundrel, else he would have turned this poor nag at large +on the green sward, to roam as he list in summer, with a warm stable in +winter, and have left him to die the death of nature.” + +An assemblage of passengers had now collected round the doom'd horse +and his sympathizing friend, whose vehemence of expression had attracted +much attention. The feelings of his auditory were in full unison with +his own, and as the throng increased, with inquisitive curiosity, the +advocate in the cause of humanity repeated the following lines: + + “And hast thou doom'd my death, sweet master, say, + And wilt thou kill thy servant, old and poor? + A little longer let me live, I pray; + A little longer hobble round thy door!” + +~91~~The spectators were evidently affected. He next sung the stanza of +an old song, extemporaneously produced (with the exception of the first +two lines) + + At last having labored, drudg'd early and late, + Bow'd down by degrees he draws on to his fate: + His blood must the Naggerman's sluicing knife spill; + His carcase the Naggerman's slaughter-house fill! + Now led to his doom, while with pity we view + Poor Bob, may mishap still his master pursue; + Who callously spurning humanity's bounds, + Now sells his old servant as food for the hounds. + +The Squire having occasion to call at a banker's in Fleet Street, the +two friends entered at the moment when a countryman with a most rueful +expression of countenance, stood transfixed to the floor, like the +statue of Despair, incapable either of speech or motion. After an +absorption of mental faculty of several minutes duration, he burst out +into the incoherent exclamations of + +“Murrian take un, zay I!--Icod, I'ze in a voine pickle! I ha brought my +pigs to market wi a vengeance! O luord! O luord! whoa would ha thought +en't?” + +He then began exercising his feet by stamping each alternately on the +floor, with a violence that shook the room to its foundation; and +this vehement thunder he accompanied by correspondent energy of +gesticulation; distorting his visage, and casting about his arms with +the action of an infuriated maniac. The place was thrown into alarm, and +business was suspended. Dashall now addressing himself to the presumed +lunatic, begged him to compose himself, and endeavour briefly to state +what had happened, that if he had sustained an injury, redress might be +obtained. + +After several fruitless attempts at narration, he at length told his +story; and that it may lose nothing of its originality, we shall give it +in the first person. + +“I'ze cuom zur, frae Zumersetzshire to Lunnon, first time o' my loife, +by coach, where it putt en at a pleace called the two Gooses necks, and +zo having a cheque on this house for Fifty Pounds, and not knowing +the way, I axed a vera civil gentleman whom I met wi' hovering about +Inn-yard; and telling him my business, Pze go with you, zaid he, +vera kindly, and help thee to take care o! thy money, vor there be a +desperate set o' sharp fellows in Lunnon ready to take every advantage +of a stranger; ~92~~ and zoa we came along, and just avore we gotten +into house here, he said to I, zays he, I'ze take thy money and zee that +all's right, vor there be a vast many bad sovereigns about.--Well, +zur, zoa he did; and just as I wur looking about, it seems he had taen +himself off wi'the money, vor when I looked round he wur no where to be +zeen; and zoa zur, I have lost Fifty good Pounds to my sorrow. Who would +ha thought it!--I wish the murrian had ha hold on me avore I had come to +this wicked world o' Lunnon!” + +Here the countryman concluded his narrative, exciting the amusement of +some and the sympathy of others of his auditory.--The banker dispatched +one of his clerks with the unlucky wight to one of the Public Offices, +for the purpose of describing the depredator, altho' with very small +chance of recovering the property.{1} + +Eliminating on the folly of this credulous countryman, our perambulators +now proceeded down Fleet Street, where casting a look into Bolt +Court--“Here,” said Dashall, “lived and died the colossus of English +literature, Doctor Samuel Johnson,{2} a man whose like the world may + + 1 In all the Coach and Waggon yards in London there are + fellows loitering about with the view of plunder; they + frequently are taken by the unwary countryman, for domestics + of the Inn, and as such are entrusted with property with + which they immediately decamp, and by many other artful + manouvres secure their spoil. + + 2 The most trivial circumstance in the life of a great man, + carries with it a certain somewhat of importance, infinitely + more agreeable to the generality of readers than the long + details which history usually presents. Amongst the numerous + anecdotes of Doctor Johnson, perhaps the following is not + the least amusing.--When the Doctor first became acquainted + with David Mallet, they once went, with some other + gentlemen, to laugh away an hour at South-wark-fair. At one + of the booths where wild beasts were exhibited to the + wondering crowd, was a very large bear, which the showman + assured them was “cotched” in the undiscovered deserts of + the remotest Russia. The bear was muzzled, and might + therefore be approached with safety; but to all the company, + except Johnson, was very surly and ill tempered. Of the + philosopher he appeared extremely fond, rubbed against him, + and displayed every mark of awkward partiality, and ursine + kindness. “How is it, (said one of the company,) that; this + savage animal is so attached to Mr. Johnson?” From a very + natural cause, replied Mallet: “the bear is a Russian + philosopher, and he knows that Linnæus would have placed him + in the same class with the English moralist. They are two + barbarous animals of one species.”--Johnson disliked Mallet + for his tendency to infidelity, and this sarcasm turned his + dislike into downright hatred. He never spoke to him + afterwards, but has gibbeted him in his octavo dictionary, + under the article “Alias.” + +~93~~perhaps never see again; yet with all his vast erudition he had +his prejudices and superstitions; he believed in apparitions, and he +despised all countries save his own.--The Scotch and Irish he affected +particularly to dislike.--In his poem of “London,” in imitation of +Juvenal, he says,-- + + For who unbrib'd would leave Hibernia's land, + Or change the rocks of Scotland for the Strand?-- + There none are swept by sudden death away, + But all whom Hunger spares, with age decay! + +But, with all his foibles, (and who is there without human infirmity?) +Doctor Samuel Johnson was the most highly talented writer of any age or +nation.” + +Facing the Obelisk, “let us stroll down the market,” said Dashall, +“considered the cheapest in London.--Flesh, fish and fowl, fruits, roots +and vegetables, are here abundantly attainable, and at moderate prices.” + +Amongst the various venders, our two observers passed on, unmolestedly, +excepting the annoyance and importunity of “What d'ye buy? what d'ye +buy, buy, buy?” from” barking butchers, who instinctively reiterated +the phrase as the casual passenger approached, like so many parrots, +unconscious of its import being unproductive in effect; for who would +be induced to purchase by the clamorous invitation universally in use by +these vociferous butchers of the metropolis?--“My fine fellow,” observed +Tallyho to one who annoyed him, “good wine, they say, needs no bush, +neither does good meat require a barker.” + +“Bad luck to my mother's own daughter, and that is myself, sure,” + exclaimed a retail venderess of vegetables, to her opponent in trade, +“if I wouldn't for the value of a tester, or for the value of nothing at +all at all, give you freely just what you ask for my jewel.--Arrah now, +is it law that you want of me! Faith and troth then you shall have it, +_club-law_, when and where you plase, my darling!” + +“Dirty end,” rejoined the other lady, “to the girl who fear* you!--Here +am I, Kate, of the Maclusky's of Ballymena, in the county of Antrim, +long life to it! and it would be a hard case, and a shameful one to +boot, if a well educated northern lass should suffer her own self to be +disgraced by a Munster-woman.” + +~94~~ “The devil fly away with Ballymena, and the Macluskys along with +it!” retorted the other; “and is it Munster and heddication that you are +bothering about? Whillaloe graraachree! my sweet one! and did you begin +your larning in Ballymena, and come to finish it in Fleet-market? By +my conscience, Kate Maclusky, if you are not very much belied, you know +more than you ought to do.” + +“And what would you 'sinuate by that?” demanded Kate;--“What do you +'sinuate by that, Ma'am?--I acknowledge that I'm both a whore and a +thief--what then? Bating that I defy you to say, black is the white of +my eye!” + +Here Mrs. Maclusky with arms a-kimbo, and a visage strongly expressing +exasperation and defiance, advanced towards the Munster-woman. + +“Let us step aside,” said Dashall, “hostilities are about to commence.” + +He was right; a few more irritable preliminaries, and the heroines came +in contact, in due order of battle. + +“Two to one on the Munster-woman.” “Done! Ulster for ever! go it +Kate!--handle your dawdles, my girl;--shiver her ivory;--darken her +skylights;--flatten her sneizer;--foul, foul,--ah you Munster b----ch!” + +“Fair, fair;--arrah, now for the honor of Munster;--dig away;--mind your +hits;--rattle her bread basket;--set her claret-spout a-going;--stand +firm on your pegs;--what, down!” + +Thus ended round the first; the amazons had, in the fray, reduced each +other from the waist upwards to nearly a state of nudity. On either side +the partisans were numerous, the combatants eager to renew the fight, +and the spectators, the majority of whom were of Irish distraction, +anxious for the result, when the officious interposition of official +authority, terminated the “tug of war,” and the honor of the two +provinces remained undecided.-- + +“Success to the land that gave Patrick his birth.” Tranquillity thus +restored, a new scene in the drama of Fleet-market attracted the +attention of the two visitants. + +A rabbit pole-woman passing through the market, was accosted by a lady, +who enquiring the price of the Rabbits, purchased a couple, in front +of the shop of a similar exhibitant.--This was considered by the +rabbit-dealers of the market, a gross breach of privilege, more +particularly as the obnoxious female had presumed to undersell them, +even with a superior article. Not willing, however, from ~95~~prudential +reasons, to appear in avowed personal hostility against the object of +their vengeance, and that, too, a woman, who had inadvertently incurred +the displeasure of their high mightinesses, the subordinate agency of +boys was deputed for the purpose of wrecking summary retribution; and +the juvenile deputation quickly overthrew in the apparent wantonness of +mischief, the whole of the poor girl's day-property, and scrambling for +the spoil, disseminated themselves in different directions, leaving not +the vestige of a rabbit behind! + +A torrent of tears, feelingly shewed the anguish of her mind. She was +ruined beyond hope of redemption; the rabbits she had every morning on +credit, she plied the streets in selling them, through many a wearisome +hour in the day, happy if next morning, having realized a very moderate +profit by her laborious vocation, she could settle accounts with the +wholesale dealer, and take a fresh cargo with which to commence another +day's adventure.--But now, wringing her hands in an agony of grief, +“It is all over with me!” she exclaimed,--” my means of subsistence is +gone,--my credit is lost,--and God's will be done,--I must go home and +starve!”{1} + + 1 It is scarcely credible that one salesman in Leadenhall + market, at the present time, sells on an average 14,000 + rabbits weekly. He contracts with the coach masters for the + carriage, and pays them eleven pounds per thousand, + amounting, weekly, to £154. The way he disposes of them, is + by employing 150 travelling pole-men and women; in the + morning they are started upon credit, and the next day they + return, bringing back the skins, settle the accounts, and + then take a fresh cargo. + +Ever prone to relieve distress, Dashall and Tallyho sympathized most +sincerely with this unfortunate girl; there was an indescribable +something of extreme interest about her, which was well calculated to +excite a feeling of generous commiseration. + +Shall we now say the two philanthropists? for such they +proved themselves. Each then, in the same moment, expanded his purse, +and together more than compensated the delighted and astonished girl for +her loss, who, blessing her benefactors, went home rejoicing. + +Gaining the extremity of the market, at the bottom of Skinner-street, +the two friends rounded the corner, and verged towards Ludgate-hill +by the Fleet Prison. Here a fresh claim, though of lesser magnitude, +obtruded itself on their benevolence. “Pity the poor debtors, having no +~96~~ allowance!” exclaimed an emaciated being, gazing with an eye +of wistful expectancy, through the thrice-grated window of a small +apartment on a level nearly with the street; “Pity the poor debtors;” + The supplicating tone of deep distress in which these words were uttered +spoke irresistibly to the heart, and the blessing of Heaven was once +more invoked on the donors. + +“And this is the prison,” observed the Squire, “where a presumed scion +of the Royal branch, a few days ago surrendered to her bail, as a +prisoner for debt.”--“The same,” rejoined his Cousin, “and the Princess +is now most unroyally domiciled at a private-house within the rules of +the Fleet, on Ludgate-hill.--_Sic transit gloria mundi!_” + +“Certainly,” said the Squire, “this London produces extraordinary +sights, and not less extraordinary occurrences;--but of all the +scenes of Real Life which has hitherto come within the scope of our +observation, the most singular is that of the presumed legitimate cousin +of the King of England, recently in a Spunging-house, and now confined +for a debt of a few hundred pounds to the rules of the Fleet.”{1} + + 1 Ci-divant Princess of Cumberland + + To the Right Hon. Lord Sidmouth. + + My Lord,'--When I reflect on the injuries I have received by + the refusal of your Lordship to forward my claims in a + proper way to his Majesty, I consider it as a duty that I + owe to my high descent, to enquire of your Lordship, why I + have been suffered to remain so long neglected and deprived + of the rights, which in common with other younger branches + of the Royal Family, I am entitled to? As soon as the demise + of my late Royal Uncle, his late Majesty, occurred, I + addressed your Lordship, for his present Majesty's gracious + knowledge. In my letters, repeatedly sent to your Lord-ship, + I assured you for the King's knowledge, that I had but one + anxious desire, which was to act in conformity to his + Majesty's Royal will and pleasure, after an audience had + been allowed to shew my papers. If, my Lord, I had been an + impostor, it was the duty of Ministers to have enquired into + my claims, and to have exposed them if unjust or illegal. + But, no! my Lord; every application was treated with cold + and apathetic contempt; and although all the writings of my + parent's marriage and my birth have been verified according + to law, at Judge Abbott's chambers, Sergeants' Inn,--at + Master Simeon's Office, Court of Chancery,--before Sir + Robert Baker and Barber Beaumont Esq.--and twelve affidavits + sworn and sent in to your Lordship, yet at this late moment + I find myself neglected and oppressed, and without one + guinea of support from the Government or Royal Family! My + dear late cousin, Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, supported and + protected me several years before his lamented death. His + Royal Highness saw the papers delivered to me by the Earl of + Warwick of my legitimacy, and there are at least a hundred + papers connected with my parent's affairs and my own; and + General Wetherall, Comptroller to his late Royal Highness, + looked over many such papers, at my residence in his Royal + Master's life-time. The excellent heart of the late Duke of + Kent was of a nature to decide, in all events of life + meeting his eye, with religion and moral justice. Thus has + he loved and cherished me, his cousin, and solemnly bound + himself to see me righted the moment that the death of his + late Majesty authorised my papers meeting the eye of the + nation. + + My Lord,--You well know why my claims are neglected--a + mighty cause exists! But it is a duty that I owe to myself + and the English nation to give a narrative of facts as they + are, unless immediate justice is done me. I am Olive, the + only child of the late Duke of Cumberland, by Olivia, his + virtuous, injured wife; and very shortly the public shall + know the great and forbearing conduct of Dr. Wilmot. To him + at one period, the English were indebted for tranquillity; + it can be proved, my Lord. And although my health is similar + to the late injured Queen's (my first cousin,) from having + experienced every deprivation and persecution from + interested enemies, yet I religiously trust the time is not + remote, when truth will triumph over calumny and + oppression.--I have the honor to be, my Lord, + + Your obedient servant, + + Olive. + + Ludgate-hill, Nov. 6th. 1821. + +~97~~“Some Kings are not partial to female cousins; and the legitimacy +(said Dashall,) of this pretended Princess of Cumberland does not appear +sufficiently tangible to admit of recognition, otherwise, without doubt, +she would have been provided for!” + +“Her case, however, wears not much the semblance of imposition,” said +the Squire. “The circumstances which she so minutely states, with +reference to living characters, strongly imply that her pretensions are +not ill-founded.” + +They had now reached Ludgate-hill; a crowd was collected opposite +the residence of the Princess of Cumberland, when the captive heroine +condescended to shew herself at the window.--She is of matronly +appearance, and was well dressed.--The mobility received her with due +respect; the lady made her obeisance, and the assemblage retired, on +terms apparently of reciprocal satisfaction.-- + +Strolling onwards until they gained the centre of Blackfriars Bridge, +the two friends paused in admiration of the interesting scene before +them. + +Amidst the spires and turrets of the metropolis, Saint Paul's, close +at hand, rose in the proud pre-eminence of stupendous grandeur, like a +mighty monarch surrounded ~98~~ by tributary kings, rendering him the +homage of vassalage. + +--Emerging from the dense mass of buildings on the line from the Tower +to Westminster Abbey, appeared a continued succession of prominent +public edifices; on the river Thames the scene was diversified by +numerous wherries, gliding pleasurably on the rippling wave; some +shooting under the arches of the elegant Waterloo, and others under the +spacious span of the lofty iron bridge of Southwark,--while on either +side the river, Labour was on the alert, and the busy and ceaseless hum +of Industry resounded far and near. + +'Twas low water, and the _mud-larks_ now intent on their several +vocations, engaged the eye of the Squire.--“What are those people +about?” he asked, “What are they in search of?” + +“These are _mud-larks_,” answered his friend, “in search of what chance +may throw in their way; all's fish that comes to net! You have much +to learn yet of Real Life in London, and must prolong your stay +accordingly.--Willing to eat the bread of honesty, these poor people +are in the daily practice of frequenting the shores of the Thames, to +literally pick up a living. Nothing comes amiss; all that is portable, +however insignificant in value, goes into the general repository. +The mud-lark returns home, when his labours are ended, sorts the +indiscriminate heterogeneous “mass of matter,” and disposes of it as +well as he can.”{1} + + 1 How many hundreds and thousands, in a metropolis like that + of the British empire, obtain a subsistence, in a way of + which those of its inhabitants who are not compelled to such + an exercise of their ingenuity can have no idea! In the + midst of a crowded city, man is much more closely cut off + from all assistance on the part of his fellows, and is + obliged to trust entirely for the support of life to the + individual exertions of his strength, his talents, or his + ingenuity. Various and singular are the expedients practised + by numbers in the British capital. Among these the class of + Mud-larks is not the least extraordinary, that is people, + who, on the ebb of the tide re-pair to the river-side, in + quest of any article that the water may have left behind in + the mud. To this description of people belonged Peggy Jones, + the well known Mud-lark at Black Friars. She was a woman, + apparently about forty years of age, with red hair; the + particular object of whose researches was the coals which + accidentally fell from the sides of the lighters. Her + constant resort was the neighbourhood of Blackfriars, where + she was always to be seen, even before the tide was down, + wading into the water, nearly up to the middle, and scraping + together from the bottom, the coals which she felt with her + feet. Numbers of passengers who have passed by that quarter, + particularly over Blackfriars Bridge, have often stopped to + contemplate with astonishment, a female engaged in an + occupation apparently so painful and disagreeable. She + appeared dressed in very short ragged petticoats, without + shoes or stockings, and with a kind of apron made of some + strong substance, that folded like a bag all round her, in + which she collected whatever she was so fortunate as to + find. In these strange habiliments, and her legs encrusted + with mud, she traversed the streets of this metropolis. + Sometimes she was industrious enough to pick up three, and + at others even four loads a day; and as they consisted + entirely of what are termed round coals, she was never at a + loss for customers, whom she charged at the rate of eight- + pence a load. In the collection of her sable treasure, she + was frequently assisted by the coal-heavers, who, when she + happened to approach the lighters, would, as if + undesignedly, kick overboard a large coal, at the same time + bidding her, with apparent surliness, go about her business. + Peggy Jones was not exempt from a failing to which most + individuals of the lower orders are subject, namely, + inebriety. Her propensity to liquor was sometimes indulged + to such a degree, that she would tumble about the streets + with her load, to the no small amusement of mischievous + boys, and others, who, on such occasions, never failed to + collect around her. After concluding the labors of the day, + she retired to a wretched lodging in Chick Lane. This woman + carried on her extraordinary calling for many years, but + about the month of February, 1805, she suddenly disappeared + from her usual places of resort, and nobody can tell what is + become of her. A man who has the appearance of a coal- + heaver, has since stepped into her place, and adopted the + profession which she so long followed. + +~99~~ “Thus it is that the Mud-lark earns a precarious and scanty +subsistence, and in many other instances in this metropolis, Ingenuity +and Perseverance overcome difficulties that in the country would prove +insurmountable.” + +Retracing their steps to Ludgate-hill, the associates passed into the +Old Bailey, where the Squire seemed struck with surprise at the simple +bill of fare of an eating-house, not inscribed on paper and exhibited +against the window, but deeply engraven on brass, and conspicuously +fixed by the side of the door, expressed in four syllables only, “The +boil'd-beef house.”--“Compendious enough,” exclaimed his Cousin. “Multum +in parvo,” rejoined the Squire; and immediately walking in, they +were ushered into a snug room partly occupied by guests of apparent +respectability, each actively employed in the demolition of buttock or +flank with great seeming satisfaction. The two strangers intimating a +desire to follow so laudable an example, the waiter submissively put the +question, “Which would you please to have, gentlemen, buttock or flank, +or a plate of both?” That the quality of each might be ascertained, +plates of both were ordered, and presently brought in, piping hot, and +in the first style of culinary perfection.{1} + +~100~~ It was amusing to observe the characteristic features of the +different guests. + +The young man hurrying over his meal, and frequently casting a look on +the dial, indicated a tradesman's book-keeper, desirous of enjoying his +pipe and pint ere the allotted dinner hour expired, when he must return +to his desk. + +Another, of meagre and cadaverous appearance, had his plate replenished, +thrice repeated, and each time dispatched the contents with astonishing +celerity. This man without doubt, was either a poet or a bookseller's +hack, who, probably had not for sometime enjoyed the novelty of a +dinner, and was thus making atonement to appetite accordingly. + +One gentleman fashionably attired kept mincing his meat, and at long +intervals supplying masticates that seemed not at all alert in the +performance of their office.--His attention was given rather to the +company than to his plate, and was particularly directed to Dashall +and Tallyho, on whom it alternately settled with fixed and favourite +regard.--This very polite personage was assiduously eager by every +possible courtesy to ingratiate himself into the notice of our two +friends; but Dashall was a knowing fish, so the bait wouldn't take; +and the Squire happening to ejaculate the word Spunger, the stranger +prudently took the hint, and withdrew.{2} + + 1 Thirty years ago this house was noted for the excellent + quality of its boiled beef;--no other meat is ever drest + here,--Hobson's choice, or none! During that period it has + had several occupants, and each has retired with a very + considerable fortune. In the decided superiority of its + buttock and flank, the house still sustains its pristine + reputation. + + 2 These gentry are hardly to be distinguished from the + Hanger-on, except by being, if possible, more impudent; they + frequent all places of public resort, in order to pick up a + dinner or a bottle, and otherwise prey upon the credulity of + the unwary. Whenever they meet with a countryman, they + salute him with enquiring the time of day, or describing the + weather, and entertaining him with a story of little + consequence, till they have artfully wheedled you into an + invitation to dine or sup with you. They can tell you where + the best entertainment is to be met with; which is the best + comedian; can get you introduced to see such an actress; to + hear this sing or that spout; will provide you with the best + seat at the play-house, or keep a place for you in the front + row of the first gallery, should you prefer it to the pit; + can procure a ticket for the exhibition rooms for half + price, and explain every thing in the museum as well as the + librarians themselves.--If your inclination is for mischief, + he is the only man in the world to assist you; would you + break the lamps, or Mill the Charleys, he will stand by and + cry Bravo! till you are carried to the Watch-house, but will + not engage in the quarrel himself, acting only as a _corps + de reserve_. When you are taken, he will negotiate with the + constable of the night about your ransom, for which you must + pay smartly, other-wise be detained till Justice opens her + doors to descry and punish your enormities, according to the + nature of the crime committed; upon which the Spunger says, + that he foresaw and told you the consequences that would + happen if you persevered, but that you would not listen to + his advice. + +~101~~ Having done satisfactory justice to the buttock and flank, and +further refreshed themselves with a draught of Whitbread's Entire; +our pedestrians, leaving the “Boil'd Beef House,” recommenced their +excursion by proceeding up the Old Bailey, when Dashall remarking on the +number of Eating Houses with which that street abounds, observed, that +it seemed a favorite seat of consolidation for the professors of the +culinary art, like Cloth-fair for Woollen-drapers, Paternoster-Row for +Booksellers, and Clerkenwell for Watch-makers, &c. “This,” said Dashall, +“is His Majesty's Gaol of Newgate, and from this door ascend the +numerous victims to the fatal scaffold, in immolation to the offended +laws of their country. Let us enter this temporary abode of crime +and wretchedness. It has been much meliorated by the humane and +indefatigable attentions of an excellent lady, Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, and +I am desirous of seeing the result of her philanthropic exertions.” The +gentlemanly appearance and demeanour of the two strangers facilitated +their admission, and they entered the prison preceded by one of the +turnkeys, who courteously had proffered his services in shewing the +place, and giving every required information. + +Newgate, on the eastern side of the Old Bailey, has been rebuilt, its +walls or shell excepted, since it was destroyed by the rioters, in the +year 1780. A broad yard divides Newgate from the Sessions House, a very +handsome stone and brick building. Another edifice, where that lately +stood, commonly called Surgeon's Hall, has been erected; it is arched +underneath, and supported upon pillars, and is used as a place of +accommodation for witnesses and other persons, while waiting for the +trials during session time. + +~102~~ This prison, until within these few years back, was a place of +confinement as well for debtors as felons, but by late arrangements, +and the erection of the new gaol in Whitecross-street, Newgate has now +become the receptacle of felons only.{1} + + 1 Newgate has been the scene of two remarkable events, which + frequently serve as eras of reckoning to some of the + inhabitants of Loudon; the first is, that of the memorable + riots in 1780, when this imposing edifice was attacked by a + furious mob in the evening of Monday the 5th of June, who by + breaking the windows, batter-ing the entrances of the cells + with sledge hammers and pickaxes, and climbing the walls + with ladders, found means to enter Mr. Akerman's house, + communicating with the prison, and eventually liberated + three hundred prisoners. The next of these events oc-curred + on the 23rd of February, 1807. This was when Haggarty and + Holloway were to suffer for the murder of Mr. Steele on + Houns-low Heath. The populace began to assemble so early as + five o'clock, and to accumulate until eight. (It is supposed + that the concourse of people was greater than at the + execution of Governor Wall.) At eight o'clock the prisoners + ascended the scaffold. Im-mediately after they were launched + off, a most dreadful scene took place. The approaches to the + place were completely blocked up with carts, filled with + spectators, and when some of the crowd began to move away, + the pressure became dreadful. Some fell, and others falling + over them they were trampled to death. Terror took + possession of the crowd, they became desperate, and their + efforts only contributed to increase their danger. As soon + as this frightful confusion ceased, forty-two sufferers in + the scene were carried to St. Bartholomew's Hospital. Of + these, twenty-seven were dead; and though every effort was + made for their resuscitation, in not one instance was it + crowned with success. Of forty-two, the whole number, five + were women, and three of them were among the dead. Of the + remaining twenty-four bodies, five were men, and the rest + lads, from twelve to seventeen years of age. Among the dead + men was a pye-man, who was said to have fallen first, and + caused the dreadful catastrophe. A great number of the + pupils in attendance happened to be collected in St. + Bartholomew's Hospital at the time, and afforded prompt + assistance; and Dr. Powell, and a Surgeon, who were both + upon the spot, directed their humane exertions. + +In the Old Bailey stood Sydney-house, known by the white front, and the +recess in which it is concealed; and here Jonathan Wild is said to have +lived the greatest part of his time. The north side of Newgate consists +of two court-yards, which are far too circumscribed for the numerous +inhabitants, this prison always exhibiting a multitudinous calendar of +human depravity. The men's court is only 49 feet 6 inches, by 31 feet 6, +and the women's of the same length, and about half the width. The whole +square is entirely surrounded by the wards, ~103~~ which rise three +stories above the pavement. The women's yard is separated from the +men's by a wall. In the south and south-east yards, felons for trial are +confined, and four other yards are similarly occupied. The yard assigned +to female felons is a wretched place, containing three wards, in which +are sometimes kept upwards of one hundred women. In the north-east +corner, next Newgate-street, is the condemned yard, in which are +kept persons under sentence of death. The yards and all the wards are +repeatedly lime-washed, and by these and other excellent regulations +of the Sheriffs of London, Newgate is changed from a loathsome prison, +dangerous to the health of the metropolis, to a state which may +be quoted as a model for all similar places. Water is plentiful, +ventilators are introduced into every window, and a general system of +cleanliness prevails throughout the whole prison. The morals of its +inmates have been improved, and their condition greatly meliorated +by Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, who like her predecessor in the exercise of +philanthropy, the celebrated Howard, delights in reducing the sum +of human misery. The feelings of the two visitors having been +amply gratified by demonstration of the happy result, from superior +management, accruing to the prisoners, they departed, not forgetting +the poor box, put up for general benefit, inviting the contributions of +charitable strangers. + +Continuing their route, our perambulators proceeded down Skinner street +into Holborn, and traversed its extended line without any remarkable +occurrence, until they reached Broad Street, St. Giles's. “We are now,” + said Dashall, “in the Holy Land.” + +“Long life to your honors,” exclaimed a ragged professor of mendicity: +“give a poor fellow the price of a _shake down_, and may you never be +without the comforts of an _upright_!” + +“What mean you,” asked the Squire, “by a shake down and an upright?” + +“Not the worse luck that you don't know that self same thing now; but +sure enough a shake-down is a two-penny layer of straw, and saving the +tatters on my back, not a covering at all at all; may the son of my +father never have a worse birth any how.” + +“And an upright?” + +~104~~ “Is it an upright your honor's spaking about?--fait and troth, as +to that same, may the devil fly away with Thady O'Flannagan, and that is +myself sure, if he knows much about it at all at all, seeing as how he +has not rested his old bones on such a thing, arrah, these many long +years; but sure enough it is four stumps, with boards across, a good +flock-bed, a blanket below and a sheet above, with a decent coverlet +pieced and patched in a hundred places to boot;--may you never want the +like of it, any how!” + +“Thanks for your good wishes, my friend,” said Dashall; “and this for +the information which you have given us.” + +“By the powers of good luck!” exclaimed the itinerant philosopher, “a +tirteener!--Now an Irishman's blessing upon you for two good-hearted +gentlemen; may you live all the days of your lives in peace and +prosperity both here and hereafter!”{1} + + 1 The many impoverished and deserted beings who daily wander + the streets, trusting for the vegetative existence of the + moment to eleemosynary occurrences, are incalculable. + Amongst these sons and daughters of misery, happy is the one + who, after partially satisfying the cravings of hunger, + possesses two-pence, the price of a shake down for the + night, in Rainbridge or Buckeridge-street, St. Giles's!--The + upright is a wretched semblance of a bed, at the rate of + three-pence or four-pence; but the lofty aspirant to genteel + accommodation, must put down a tester. In this way there are + frequently beds to the number of seventy in one house, made + up for nocturnal visitants! + +Palestine in London, or the Holy Land, includes that portion of the +parish of St. Giles, Bloomsbury, inhabited by the lower Irish, with whom +it seems a favorite place of residence. The Squire having expressed to +his friend a desire of perambulating these boundaries, they proceeded, +by the way of George street, to explore the sanctified labyrinths, the +scenes of diurnal clamour, and hebdomadary conflict. + +“Arrah now,” exclaimed a voice of maternity, in the person of a +legitimate daughter of Erin,--“Arrah now, you brat of the devil's own +begetting, be after bowling along to your fader: bad luck to him, and be +sure that you bring him home wid you, by the token that the murphies are +cracking, the salt-herrings scalding, and the apple-dumplings tumbling +about the pot,--d'ye mind me, you tief of the world, tell him that his +dinner waits upon him.”--“I'll be after doing that same, moder;” + and forth from the ground floor of a mean looking house in +Buckeridge-street, sprang an urchin without hat, shoe or stocking, and +the scanty tattered habiliment he wore, fluttering in ~105~~various +hues, like pennants in the wind, with such heedless velocity, urged no +doubt by the anticipated delicacies of the dinner-pot, that he came in +furious, unexpected, and irresistible contact with Squire Tallyho, who +borne forward by the shock, was precipitated into a stagnant collection +of mud and water, to the total disfigurement of his Boots, which had +that morning received the “matchlessly brilliant polish of Warren's +inestimable Jet blacking.” Not like many others in London, who will +run you down and leave you to your fate, the heir of his fader's +whimsicalities stopped short in the inauspicious set-out of his rapid +career; and “dirty end,” he exclaimed, “to the scavenger that didn't +think of the gentleman's boots!” And at the same time the mother of this +hopeful representative of the Mac Dermott family, made her appearance +with the genuine warmth of Irish hospitality; and inviting the two +strangers to walk in, consoled the bespattered Squire with the prospect +of speedy and effectual reparation, for “fait and troth, (said she) his +dinner is all of a heap in the pot there, praaties, salt-herrings, and +apple-dumplings,{1} and that is my husband Thady Mac Dermott, who is +neither more nor less than a bricklayer's laborer, is after amusing +himself and obliging his neighbours, at a small outlay, of a Sunday +morning, by claning their boots and shoes; so it is an ill wind that +blows nobody good, they say.” The accommodating hostess then producing +a bottle of blacking, with the requisite brushing implements, applied +herself assiduously to the operation of claning the Squire's boots, +and restored them, in a few minutes, to the splendour of their pristine +brilliancy. + +Scarcely had this important operation been performed, when entered Thady +Mac Dermott and his son, the origin of the accident. “The devil burn +your trampers, you imp of the Mac Dermotts,” cried the father: “couldn't +you run against the gentleman without dirtying his boots? Never mind it +at all at all; I'll be after giving you a walloping for it, any how.” + + 1 The fastidious delicacy of English cookery, when + contrasted with that of Irish culinary preparation in the + Holy-land, is surprising. The wife of an Irish laborer who + is desirous of giving her husband a delectable meal, and of + various description, bodders not her brain with a diversity + of utensils; but from the same pot or pan will produce, as + if by enchantment, potatoes, (without which an Irishman + cannot possibly make a dinner,) salt-herrings, and apple- + dumplings; nor, does this extraordinary union of opposites + affect the appetite of those partaking the oglio. + +~106~~ The first instrument of attack that comes to hand is an +Irishman's weapon.--Thady brandished in _terrorem_ a red hot poker, and +his son with the agility of a cat took sanctuary under the bed, but at +the intercession of the Squire was allowed to emerge with impunity, and +admitted to a participation of the salt-herrings and apple-dumplings. +The two friends declining an invitation to taste of these dainties, +now departed, Tallyho not forgetting the “outlay, and the ill-wind that +blows nobody good.” + +Winding the mazes of the holy land, which may not unaptly be considered +a colony of Irish emigrants, our perambulators without further +occurrence worthy of notice, threaded their way through streets, lanes, +and alleys, until they emerged at the bottom of Tottenham-court Road, +close by the extensive brewery of Read and Co. Entering the premises, +they were gratified with a view of every thing interesting in the +establishment; and the Squire, to whom the spectacle was entirely new, +stood wrapt in wonder at the vast magnitude of its immense vats +and boilers, containing, as he observed, of the fluid of Sir John +Barleycorn, a sufficiency to inundate the whole neighbourhood! “Such a +circumstance,” said the attendant, “actually occurred a few years +ago, when the vat burst, and an ocean of beer rushed forth, with such +impetuous force as to bear down, in its resistless progress, the side of +a house, and fill, to the imminent hazard of drowning the astonished and +alarmed occupants, all the cellars in the vicinity.”{1} + + 1 Scarcely any thing contributes so much to characterize the + enterprising spirit of the present age, as the vast scale on + which many branches of manufacture are carried on in this + country. Every one has heard of the celebrated tun of + Heidelberg, but that monument of idle vanity is rivalled by + the vessels now employed in the breweries of this + metropolis. + +Having seen all that is remarkable in this spacious concern, the two +associates turned into Oxford Street, where their attention was directed +to a gay female in an elegant equipage, pair in hand, dashing along, in +the manner of royal celerity. + +“Observe that lady,” said Dashall, “She is the celebrated Mrs. C*r*y, +the favourite sultana of a certain Commander in Chief, and I shall give +you her history in a few words.” + +~107~~ “Sutherland, a bombadier at Woolwich, obtained a commission, but +was less successful in securing the fidelity of his wife, who eloped +with an officer to Gibraltar; the produce of this intercourse was the +amoroso whom we observed _en passant_; in process of time she married +C*r*y, an officer in a veteran battalion, but shortly afterwards getting +tired of the connection, she adopted the laudable example set by her +respectable mamma, deserted her husband and came to England, under the +protection of a surgeon in the army, whose embraces she relinquished for +those of her present illustrious possessor. How long she may keep him in +captivation, is a surmise of rather equivocal import; however ardent +at present, his attachment, Mrs. C*r*y must be aware of the versatile +propensities of his R*y*l H*ghn*ss of Y**k, and sans doubt like her +predecessor, Mary Ann C***ke, will make the most of a favourable +opportunity.” + +“London exhibits Real Life in all its forms and gradations, from the +hireling of royalty in a curricle, to the passive spouse of all the +town, on the pavement; from the splendour of affluence to the miseries +of penury; even Mendicity itself has its shades of variety, its success +being less frequently derived from the acuteness of distress than the +caprice of Nature, in having gifted the mendicant with some peculiar +eccentricity of person or character, to attract attention and sympathy. +He who is without these endowments passes unnoticed; but the diminutive +and deformed creature, seated on a child's cart, who with the help +of crutches shoves himself along the street, and whose whole height, +including his machine, does not exceed two feet; this minikin, _ecce +homo_, is gazed at by the casual passenger as a prodigy, and seldom +fails to benefit by the excitation of curiosity.”-- + +Approaching the tiny personage alluded to,--“Well, Mr. Andrew Whiston,” + said Dashall, “what important business brings you so far westward? I +thought that your migrations from Bankside had never extended beyond the +precincts of Temple-bar.” + +“I wot weel, your honor, that I have strayed far frae hame, and to +little purpose,--better fortune has not lit on me this wearisome day, +than meeting wi' your honor, for God bless you many a time has the poor +dwarfish body tasted your bounty.” + +During this colloquy, Tallyho gazed on the poor dwarfish body with +commiseration, intermixed with no small portion of surprise, at this +fresh display of general knowledge by his intelligent and amusing coz, +to whom all of interest and curiosity in the metropolis, animate and +inanimate, seemed perfectly familiar. + +~108~~ “And whither away now, Master Whiston; do you mean to look in at +the rendezvous to night?”{1} + +“Faith no, sir,--I got a fright there some few years since, and I shall +be very cautious of getting into the like disaster a second time.” + +The conversation had so far proceeded, to the entertainment of +congregated passengers, when the auditory getting rather inconveniently +numerous, the two friends left each his mite of benevolence with +Maister Andrew Whiston, gaining home without further incident or +interruption.{2} + + 1 Recurring to the holy land, the rendezvous is a noted + house in St. Giles's, where, after the labors of the day, + the mendicant fraternity assemble, enjoy the comfort of a + good supper; amongst other items, not unfrequently an + alderman in chains, alias a roast turkey, garnished with + pork-sausages; elect their chairman, and spend the night as + jolly beggars ought to do, in mirth and revelry. + + 2 Andrew Whiston was born at Dundee in Scotland, February + 10th, 1770, and has, during the last twenty-eight years, + resided in London. The person of this man is well known to + the perambulators of the metropolis. He forms altogether a + disgusting little figure, pushing himself about on a small + cart, which moves upon wheels, and wearing an apron to + conceal the deformity of his legs. His whole height, + including his vehicle, does not exceed two feet. To avoid + the penalties attached to begging and vagrancy, he carries a + few pens stuck between his coat and waistcoat, and declares + that the dealing in those articles is the only trade to + which he has been brought up. It is not improbable, that by + means of this, and other arts and mysteries which he + exercises, Andrew has been enabled to procure something more + than salt to his porridge. It cannot be supposed that his + person is calculated to excite the tender passion; it must + therefore be to the idea of his having accumulated wealth, + that we are to attribute the following circumstance. A short + time since, Andrew began to think seriously of taking unto + himself a wife, and having looked round among his female + acquaint-ance for a desirable partner, he fixed his choice + on a Mrs. Marshall, the widow of a waterman, who follows the + trade of a retail dealer in fish, at the corner of Spiller's + public-house, on that side of the Surrey Road which he + usually frequents. This fair lady, who might perhaps have + been dead as a roach to his addresses, if he had possessed + nothing but his deformed person to offer, proved leaping + alive, ho! at the thought of Andrew's little hoard, of which + she hoped to become mistress. Several presents attested the + seriousness of the lover's proposals, and his charmer was + all compliance to his wishes, till he had actually sent the + money to pay for publishing the banns at Christ Church, when + the ridicule of all her acquaintance urged her to abandon + the design of so preposterous a match. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + Gae him strong drink until he wink, + That's sinking in despair; + And liquor gúid to fire his blúid, + That's prest wi' grief and care;-- + Then let him boose and deep carouse, + Wi' bumpers flowing o'er; + 'Till he forgets his fears and debts, + And minds his ills no more. + +~109~~ DASHALL, during a stroll with his relation round the +neighbourhood of Covent Garden, learning that several of his friends had +formed a select party to dine at the Shakespear that day, sent in the +names of himself and Coz, and they were received by the social and +convivial assemblage with acclamation. + +The Dinner-party comprised Sir Felix O'Grady, an Irish baronet just +imported from the province of Munster; the honorable Frederick +Fitzroy, a luminary in the constellation of Fashion; Colonel Mc. Can, +a distinguished Scotch Officer; an amateur Poet; a member of the +Corps Dramatique; and our old friends Sparkle and Mortimer, with the +augmentation of Dashall and Tallyho, as already mentioned. + +The viands were excellent, and the wines of the first quality. +Conviviality was the order of the evening, and its whimsicalities were +commenced during the repast, by the player, who, taking up a goblet +of wine, and assuming the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, +exclaimed-- + + “I drink + To the general joy of the whole table;-- + May good digestion wait on appetite, + And health on both.”---- + +~110~~The bottle was now put into quick circulation; harmony and +hilarity prevailed; and the poet, availing himself of the moments of +inspiration, gave the following chant, _extempore_.-- + + Song. + + Air. Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen. + + Here's to the land where fair Freedom is seen, + + Old England,--her glory and trade, aye;-- + Here's to the island of Erin so green, + And here's to Sir Felix O'Grady; + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to the beaus and the belles of the day, + + The pleasures of life who enjoy, sir;-- + Here's to the leaders of fashion, so gay, + And here's to the dashing Fitzroy, sir. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to our sailors who plough the salt wave, + + And never from battle have ran, sir;-- + Here's to our soldiers who nobly behave, + And here's to brave Colonel Mc. Can, sir. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to the joys that our reason engage, + + Where Truth shines our best benefactress; + Here's to the triumph of Learning,--the Stage,- + And here's to each actor and actress. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to the man with a head to discern, + + And eke with a heart to bestow, sir, + Tom Dashall, well skill'd Life in London to learn; + And here's to the Squire Tallyho, sir. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + + Here's to the friendship united and true, + + That paces variety's round, sir; + To Sparkle and Mortimer fill then, anew, + And let us with pleasure abound, sir. + Let the toast pass, + Flinch not the glass + That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. + +This complimentary bag-a-telle was well received, and Sir Felix, +shaking the amateur cordially by the hand, observed, that amongst other +attainments before he left London, he meant to acquire the art of making +verses, when he should give the poet a Rowland for his Oliver! + +The player having but recently returned to Town, after completing his +engagements with some of the Irish provincial theatres, proceeded to +amuse his auditory, the baronet excepted, with accounts of the manner of +posting in the sister kingdom.-- + +“Travelling,” said he, “in the province of Munster, having got into a +chaise, I was surprised to hear the driver knocking at each side of the +carriage.--“What are you doing?”--“A'n't I nailing your honor?”--“Why do +you nail me up? I don't wish to be nailed up.”--“Augh! would your honor +have the doors fly off the hinges?” When we came to the end of the +stage, I begged the man to unfasten the doors.--“Ogh! what would I be +taking out the nails for, to be racking the doors?”--“How shall I get +out then?”--“Can't your honor get out of the window like any other +jontleman?” I then began the operation; but having forced my head +and shoulders out, could get no farther, and called again to the +postillion.--“Augh! did any one ever see any one get out of a chay head +foremost? Can't your honor put out your feet first, like a Christian?” + +Here the baronet manifested considerable impatience, and was about +to interrupt the narrator, when the latter requesting permission, +continued: + +“Next day four horses were attached to the crazy vehicle;--one, +unfortunately, lost a shoe; and as I refused to go on until the +poor animal was shod, my two postillions commenced, in my hearing, a +colloquy.--“Paddy, where will I get a shoe, and no smith nigh +hand?”--“Why don't you see yon jontleman's horse in the field; can't you +go and unshoe him?”--“True for ye,” said Jem, “but that horse's shoe +will never fit him.” “Augh! you can but try it,” said Paddy. So the +gentleman's horse was actually unshod, and his shoe put upon the posting +hack; and fit or not fit, Paddy went off with it. + +~112~~ “Same day, during a violent storm of wind and rain, 1 found that +two of the windows were broken, and two could not, by force or art of +man, be pulled up. I ventured to complain to Paddy of the inconvenience +I suffered from the storm pelting in my face. His consolation was, +“Augh! God bless your honour, and can't you get out and set behind the +carriage, and you'll not get a drop at all, I'll engage!” + +The player having thus closed his narrative, and the laughter of the +company having subsided, the baronet very candidly admitted, that the +sister kingdom in many parts, was miserably deficient in the requisites +of travelling, and other conveniences to which the English were +accustomed. But in process of time (he continued) we shall get more +civilized. Nevertheless, we have still an advantage over you; we have +more hospitality, and more honesty. Nay, by the powers! but it is so, my +good friends. However much we unhappily may quarrel with each other, we +respect the stranger who comes to sojourn amongst us; and long would he +reside, even in the province of Munster, before a dirty spalpeen would +rob him of his great coat and umbrella, and be after doing that same +thing when he was at a friend's house too, from which they were taken, +along with nearly all the great coats, cloaks, shawls, pelisses, hats +and umbrellas, belonging to the company.”{1} + + 1 We are inclined to believe that Sir Felix alludes to the + fol-lowing instance of daring depredation. + +Extraordinary Robbery. On Thursday night, whilst a large party of young +folks were assembled at the house of Mr. Gregory, in Hertford Street, +Fitzroy Square, to supper, a young man was let in by a servant, who said +he had brought a cloak for his young mistress, as the night was cold. +The servant left him in the hall, and went up stairs; when shortly +after, a second arrived with a hackney coach, and on his being +questioned by the servant, he said he brought the coach to take his +master and mistress home. The servant was not acquainted with the names +of half the company, and therefore credited what was told her. The two +strangers were suffered to stand at the stairs head, to listen to the +music and singing, with which they appeared highly delighted, and +also had their supper and plenty to drink. But while festive hilarity +prevailed above, the villains began to exercise their calling below, and +the supper table in a trice they unloaded of four silver table spoons, +a silver sauce-boat, knives and forks, &c. and from off the pegs and +banisters they stole eight top-coats, several cloaks, shawls, pelisses +and hats, besides a number of umbrellas, muffs, tippets, and other +articles, all of which they carried off in the coach which was in +waiting. To complete the farce, the watchman shut the coach door, and +wished “their honours” good night. The robbery was not discovered until +the company was breaking up. No trace of the thieves can be found. + +~113~~ There was certainly somewhat of an _Irishism_ in the baronet's +remark.--Of eight great coats stolen, the thieves could not discriminate +who were the respective owners, and if it had been possible that they +could have discriminated, it is not likely that any regard for the laws +of hospitality would have induced them to make an exception of Sir Felix +O'Grady's property amidst the general depredation. + +The company, although secretly amused by the baronet's remarks, condoled +with him on the loss he had sustained; and the player protesting that +in stating the facts of Irish posting, he had no intention of giving the +baronet the least offence, unanimity was restored, and the conviviality +of the evening proceeded without further interruption. + +Sir Felix made Irish bulls, and gave Irish anecdotes; the amateur +occasionally gave a song or a stanza impromptu; the player spouted, +recited, and took off several of his brother performers, by exhibiting +their defects in close imitations,-- + + “Till tired at last wi' mony a farce,” + They sat them down-- + +and united with the remaining company in an attentive hearing to a +conversation which the honorable Frederick Fitzroy had just commenced +with his friend Dashall.-- + +“You have now,” said the honourable Frederick Fitzroy, addressing +himself to Dashall, “You have now become a retired, steady, +contemplative young man; a peripatetic philosopher; tired with the +scenes of ton, and deriving pleasure only from the investigation of +Real Life in London, accompanied in your wanderings, by your respectable +relative of Belville-Hall; and yet while you were one of us, you shone +like a star of the first magnitude, and participated in all the follies +of fashion with a zest of enjoyment that forbid the presage of satiety +or decline.” + +“Neither,” answered Dashall, “have I now altogether relinquished those +pleasures, but by frequent repetition they become irksome; the mind is +thus relieved by opposite pursuits, and the line of observation which +I have latterly chosen has certainly afforded me much substantial +information and rational amusement.” + +~114~~ “Some such pursuit I too must think of adopting,” replied +Fitzroy, “else I shall sink into the gulph of ennuit to the verge +of which I am fast approaching. Independent of the frequent ruinous +consequences of the gaming-table, I have taken a dislike to its +associates, and therefore abandoned their society; nor will you be +surprised at my having adopted this resolution, when I inform you, that +at my last sitting in one of these nefarious haunts of dissipation, I +was minus to the extent, in a few hours, of several thousand pounds, +the prize of unprincipled adventurers, of swindlers, black-legs, and +pigeon-fanciers!”{1} + + 1 A pigeon-fancier is one of those speculators at the + Gambling Houses, whose object it is to lie in wait for + inexperienced noviciates, and under the pretext of fair and + honorable dealing pluck their feathers; that is to say, + strip them bare of their property. Days and nights are + passed at the gaming-table. “I remember,” said the Earl + of G----, “spending three days and three nights in the + hazard room of a well-known house in St James's Street; the + shutters were closed, the curtains down, and we had candles + the whole time; even in the adjoining rooms we had candles, + that when our doors were opened to bring in refreshments, no + obtrusive gleam of day-light might remind us how the hours + had passed. How human nature supported the fatigue, I know + not. We scarcely allowed ourselves a moment's pause to take + the sustenance our bodies required. At last one of the + waiters, who had been in the room with us the whole time, + declared that he could hold out no longer, and that sleep he + must. With difficulty he obtained an hour's truce; the + moment he got out of the room he fell asleep, absolutely at + the very threshold of our door. By the rules of the house he + was entitled to a bonus on every transfer of property at the + hazard-table; and he made in the course of three days, up- + wards of Three hundred pounds! Sleep and avarice had + struggled to the utmost, but, with his vulgar habit, sleep + prevailed. We were wide awake. I never shall forget the + figure of one of my noble associates, who sat holding his + watch, his eager eyes fixed upon the minute-hand, whilst he + exclaimed continually, “This hour will never be over!” Then + he listened to discover whether his watch had stopped, then + cursed the lazy fellow for falling asleep, protesting, that + for his part, he never would again consent to such a waste + of time. The very instant the hour was ended, he ordered + “that dog” to be awakened, and to work we went. At this + sitting Thirty-five Thousand Pounds were lost and won. I was + very fortunate, for I lost a mere trifle--Ten Thousand + Pounds only!” + +Dashall congratulated Fitzroy on his resolution, in having cut the +dangerous connexion, and expressed a hope that in due process of time he +would emancipate himself from the trammels of dissipation generally. + +~115~~ “That,” rejoined Fitzroy, “is already in a considerable degree +effected.” + +“In the higher and middle classes of society,” says a celebrated writer, +“it is a melancholy and distressing sight to observe, not unfrequently, +a man of a noble and ingenuous disposition, once feelingly alive to a +sense of honor and integrity, gradually sinking under the pressure of +his circumstances, making his excuses at first with a blush of conscious +shame, afraid to see the faces of his friends from whom he may have +borrowed money, reduced to the meanest tricks and subterfuges to delay +or avoid the payment of his just debts, till ultimately grown familiar +with falsehood, and at enmity with the world, he loses all the grace and +dignity of man.”-- + +“Such,” continued Fitzroy, “was the acmé of degradation to which I was +rapidly advancing, when an incident occurred to arrest the progress of +dissipation, and give a stimulus to more worthy pursuits. + +“One morning having visited a certain nunnery in the precincts of +Pall-Mail, the Lady Abbess introduced me to a young noviciate, a +beautiful girl of sixteen. + +“When we were left alone, she dropped on her knees, and in attitude +and voice of the most urgent supplication, implored me to save her from +infamy!” + +“I am in your power,” she exclaimed, “but I feel confident that you +will not use it to my dishonor.--I am yet innocent;--restore me to my +parents,--pure and unsullied,--and the benediction of Heaven will reward +you!”-- + +She then told me a most lamentable tale of distress;--that her father +was in prison for a small debt; and that her mother, her brothers and +sisters, were starving at home.--Under these disastrous circumstances +she had sought service, and was inveighd into that of mother W. from +whence she had no hope of extrication, unless through my generous +assistance! She concluded her pathetic appeal, by observing, that if the +honorable Frederick Fitzroy had listened to the call of humanity, and +paid a debt of long standing, her father would not now be breaking +his heart in prison, her family famishing, nor herself subject to +destruction. + +“And I am the Author of all!” I exclaimed, “I am the dis-honorable +Frederick Fitzroy, who in the vortex of dissipation, forgot the exercise +of common justice, and involved a worthy man and his suffering family in +misery! But I thank heaven, the injury is not irreparable!” + +~116~ “I immediately explained to Mother W. the peculiarly +distressing situation of this poor girl, rescued her from meditated +perdition,--restored the husband to his family, with improved +circumstances,--and by a continuance of my support, I trust, in some +degree to atone for past transgression.” + +This narrative excited much interest, and the approval, by the company, +of Fitzroy's munificence was expressive and unanimous. + +The conviviality of the evening was renewed, and sustained until an +early hour, when the party broke up; having enjoyed “the feast of +reason, and the flow of soul,” with temperate hilarity. + +Dashall, his Cousin, and Fitzroy, proceeding under the piazzas of +Covent Garden, the latter suggested an hour's amusement in the Cellars +underneath the Hotel, a proposition which was immediately acceded to by +his companions, and the trio descended into the lower regions. + +The descent however bore not any resemblance to that of Telemachus into +Hell. A brilliant light irradiated their passage, and the grim shadows +of the infernal abode were, if present, without the ken of ocular +observation. In place of the palace of Pandemonium, our triumvirate +beheld the temple of Bacchus, where were assembled a number of Votaries, +sacrificing to the jolly Deity of the Ancients, in frequent and powerful +libations. + +By some unaccountable means the daemon of discord, however, gained +admission and ascendancy. + +A scene now took place which baffles every attempt at description.--The +row became general; decanters, glasses, and other fragile missiles, +were resorted to,--their fragments strewed the floor,--and the terrified +attendants hastened to require the interposition of the guardians of the +night, in restoring order and tranquillity. + +Amidst the ravage and dissonance of war, our trio preserved a strict +neutrality, and before the arrival of the mediating powers, had regained +their position in the piazzas, where they waited the result of the +conflict. + +Negotiations of peace having been unavailingly attempted, the refractory +combatants were taken into custody, after an obstinate resistance, and +conducted to “duress vile,” in the Watch-house. + +~117~~ The tragi-comedy was dacently wound up by one of the performers, +a native of the Emerald Isle, who thinking it necessary that the +neighbourhood should have an intimation of the proceedings, announced +the hour of “past three,” with the accompaniment of “a bloody +MORNING!”{1} + +The neutrals now proceeded to their respective homes, and our two +associates reached their domicile, without the occurrence of further +incident. + +Next morning the indicative double rit-tat of the postman induced the +Squire from the breakfast-parlor to the hall. The servant had opened +the door, and received the letters; when an itinerant dealer in genuine +articles obtruded himself on the threshold, and doffing his castor after +the manner of a knowing one, enquired whether his honor was pleased to +be spoke with. Tallyho desired him to step in, and required to know +his business. The fellow with a significant wink, and many prelusive +apologies for the liberty he was about to take, stated that he had +accidentally come into possession of some contraband goods, chiefly +Hollands, Geneva, and India silk handkerchiefs, of prime and +indisputable excellence; which he could part with at unparalleled low +prices;--that he had already, in this private way, disposed of the +greatest portion, and that if his honor was inclined to become +a purchaser, he now had the opportunity of blending economy with +superlative excellence, in an almost incredible degree, and unequalled +in any part of the three kingdoms. + +This flourish the Squire answered with becoming indignity; expressed his +surprise at the consummate assurance of any trickster who would dare +to offer him a contraband article, to the prejudice of His Majesty's +revenue; and ordered the servant to turn the “scoundrel” out of +doors.{2} + + 1 The above mentioned fracas took place a few weeks ago.-- + The offenders “against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the + King,” were next day held before one of the Police + Magistrates, when it appearing that the row occurred under + the influence of ebriety, and that the landlord and the + watchmen were the only sufferers, a com-promise was + permitted, and the parties were discharged with a suitable + admonition. + + 2 “Contraband articles.” The Squire apparently was not + aware that the superlatively excellent Hollands, Geneva, and + India-hand-kerchiefs were, the one the manufacture of + Spital-fields, and the other the sophisticated balderdash + known by the name of Maidstone gin. It is a fact, altho' not + generally known, that at the different watering places every + season, the venders of silk handkerchiefs manufactured in + Spital-flelds, carry on a lucrative trade, by disposing of + them under the affectation of secrecy, as the genuine + produce of the Indian loom; and thus accommodating + themselves to the prejudice of their customers against our + native productions; get off in threefold proportion, the + number sold in London, and at a cent per cent greater + advantage! + + With respect to alleged contraband SPIRITS, the deceit is + more successfully manoeuvred in Town than in the country.-- + The facility of smuggling on the coast frequently supplies + the maritime visitant with a cheap and genuine beverage. In + Town the same opportunity does not occur, and on the + uninitiated in the cheats of London, the system of this + species of imposition is more frequently practised. + Professing to exhibit Real Life in London, we shall not + trouble our readers with an apology for the introduction of + the following appropriate incident-- + + Court ok Requests.--Holborn.--A case of rather a curious + nature, and which was characterised rather by the absurd + credulity of the parties than by its novelty, came before + the Commissioners on Thursday last. A man of the name of + O'Regan attended the Court, to show cause against a summons + which had been issued, calling upon him to pay a debt of + eighteen shillings, which was alleged to be due by him to a + person who stated his name to be Higgins. The parties were + both Irishmen, and exhibited a good deal of irritation as + well as confusion, in their stories. With some difficulty + the following facts were collected from their respective + statements;--On Tuesday week, about nine o'clock in the + evening, a man dressed in the costume of a sailor, and + wearing a large rough coat, similar to that commonly worn by + sea-faring men, in bad weather, entered the shop of O'Regan, + who is a dealer in salt fish, and other haberdashery,” as he + called it, in St. Giles's; and beckoning to the back part of + the room, and at the same time looking very significantly, + said, “May be you would not like a drop of the “real thing,” + to keep a merry Christmas with?” “What do you mane?” says + O'Regan. “Whiskey, to be sure,” says the man. “Faith, and + it's I that would, “replied O'Regan, “provided it was good + and chape.” “Och, by the piper of Kilrush,” says the man, + “there has not been a noter, claner, more completer drop of + _Putshean_ (whiskey illicitly distilled,) smuggled across + the _Herring-brook_ (the Irish Channel,) for many a long + day, and as for chapeness, you shall have it for an ould + song.” “You don't mane to say it's after being smuggled!” + says O'Regan. “Be my soul, but I do,” rejoined the man, + “it's I and Jack Corcoran, a friend of mine, brought it safe + and sound into the Thames last Sunday, in the shape of a + cargo of butter-firkins, from Cork.” “Could a body taste + it?” pursued O'Regan. With a couple of “why nots,” says the + man, “I've a blather full of it under my oxther (his arm- + pit,) if you'll lind us hould of a glass.” O'Regan said he + hadn't a glass handy, but he brought a cup, and the bladder + being produced, a fair taste was poured forth, which + O'Regan, having tippled it off, after collecting his breath, + swore was “the darling of a drop, it was the next kin to + aquafortis.”--“Aqua fifties you mane” says the man, + “aquafortis is a fool to it.” The next question was, as to + the price? “Och, by the powers,” says the honest smuggler, + “as you're a countryman and friend, you shall have it for + ten shillings a gallon, and less than that I would'nt give + it to my mother.” O'Regan thought this too much, and + proposed eight shillings a gallon; but, after much + chartering, he agreed to give nine shillings. The quantity + was next discussed. The man could not sell less than an + anker, four gallons. This was too much for O'Regan; but he + finally determined to get a friend to go partners, and + Higgins, who lodged in his house, was called down and also + indulged with a taste, which he likewise pronounced + “beautiful.” It was then arranged, with strong injunctions + of secrecy, that the tub should be brought the next night, + in a half-bushel sack, as if it were coals, and the hour of + nine was appointed. The smuggler then departed, but was true + to his appointment. He came at the hour fixed on the + Wednesday night, and in the disguise proposed. The commodity + was then carried into a little back parlor, with great + mystery, and deposited in a cupboard, and the doors being + all shut, he demanded his cash. “To be sure,” says Higgins; + “but, first and foremost (for he was more cautious than his + friend,) let us see if it is as good as the sample was?” + “Och, the devil burn me,” says the smuggler, “if I'd desave + you.” “Sure I know you would'nt,” replied Higgins, “only + just I'd like to wet my whistle with another drop, as you + may say.” “Touch my honor, touch my life,” says the + smuggler; and seizing the tub with some indignation, he + called for the poker, and then striking the barrel on each + side the bung-hole, out started the bung. He next called for + a table-spoon, and a cup, and ladling out about a noggin, + alias a quartern, handed it to O'Regan, who, having taken a + suck, by the twist of his eye and the smack of his lips, + evinced his satisfaction. Higgins finished it; and + exclaiming, “it's the dandy,” passed his hand in his + pocket, without further hesitation, and produced his + eighteen shillings. O'Regan did the same, and the cask being + safely locked in the cupboard, the smuggler was let out with + as much caution as he had been admitted. O'Regan and Higgins + then held a council upon the division of the spoil; and the + latter went up stairs to fetch down a two gallon jar, while + the former ran to the public-house to borrow a measure. They + soon met again in the parlor, and the tub was brought out. + They endeavoured at first to get the bung out in the same + manner which they had observed the smuggler pursue, but not + being equally acquainted with the subject, they could not + succeed. This difficulty, however, was soon obviated. + O'Regan obtained a large gimblet from a next door neighbour, + and a hole being bored in one of the ends, the liquor began + to flow very freely into the measure which was held to + receive it. Higgins remarked that it looked very muddy, and + on the pint being full, lifted it up to have another sup; + but he had no sooner taken a gulp, than, to the dismay of + O'Regan, he exclaimed, “Oh, Holy Paul, it's bilge!” + mentioning a very unsavoury liquid. “Brother,” says O'Regan, + and snatching the measure from his partner, took a mouthful + himself, which he as quickly spirted about the floor; and + then, in an agitated tone, cried out, “Sure enough Higgins, + it is bilge, and precious bail it is, as ever I drank.” They + now eyed each other for some time with mutual surprise, and + then sympathetically agreed that they must have been “done.” + It was still, however, a matter of surprise to them, how + their friend, the smuggler, could have taken good whiskey + (which that they had tasted from the bung-hole certainly + was,) from such nastiness. In order to solve their doubts, + they procured a pail; and, having emptied the cask, they + proceeded to break it to pieces, when, to their + astonishment, the mystery was unravelled, and their folly, + in being made the dupes of a pretended smuggler, made fully + manifest; for immediately under the bung-hole they found a + small tin box, capable of containing about half a pint, + which, being tightly tacked to one of the staves, kept the + pure liquor, a small quantity of which still remained, from + that which was of a very opposite character. It was no + laughing matter, and they were not, therefore, very merry on + the occasion; and still less so, when Higgins demanded of + O'Regan the repayment of his eighteen shillings; this + O'Regan refused, and a quarrel ensued, which after having + terminated in a regular “set to,” attended with painful + consequences to both; was followed by Higgins applying to + this Court for the summons which led to their appearance + before the Commissioners. The whole of the circum-stances, + with infinite trouble, having been thus unravelled; the + Commissioner declared his inability to afford Mr. Higgins + any re-dress. There was clearly no debt incurred; there was + a mutual compact, entered into for an illegal purpose, for + had the liquid which they had purchased been smuggled + spirits, they were liable to pay a large penalty for having + bought it. But putting aside all these considerations, it + was clear that Higgins had, with a proper degree of caution, + endeavoured to satisfy himself of the quality of the article + before he paid his money; and thereby showed that he was not + acting under a confidence in any guarantee on the part of + O'Regan; and consequently could have no claim on him. In + this view of the case, he should dismiss the summons without + costs. The parties then retired, amidst the laughter of the + by-standers; and Higgins, who was evidently much mortified, + swore he would take the worth of his eighteen shillings + “out of O'Regan's bones!” + +This command was obeyed with alacrity, and as promptly acceded to by +the discomfited intruder, who, however, retrieved, without doubt, in +the credulity of others, the disappointment he had sustained by the +pertinacity of the Squire. + +~120~~ The morning was unfavourable to pedestrian excursion. The library +was well stored with literature in choice variety. To this antidote of +ennui the Squire resorted, while Dashall wrote cards of invitation to a +few select friends, whom he knew would, _sans cerémonie_ honor his table +to take bachelor's fare with him in the evening. + +“I pity the man in a rainy day,” says a writer, “who cannot +find amusement in reading.” This was not the case with the two +associates;--the intellectual treat afforded by the library was fully +enjoyed; and the moments glided on, imperceptibly, until verging on the +hour of dinner. + +The friends to whom Dashall had sent round, one and all accepted his +invitation, and the remainder of the day was devoted to that +refined hilarity, of which his hospitable board was always the chief +characteristic. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + London, thy streets abound with incident.-- + Dashing along, here roll the vehicles, + Splendid, and drawn by highly pamper'd steeds, + Of rank and wealth; and intermix'd with these, + The hackney chariot, urg'd to sober pace + Its jaded horses; while the long-drawn train + Of waggons, carts, and drays, pond'rous and slow, + Complete the dissonance, stunning the ear + Like pealing thunder, harsh and continuous, + While on either side the busy multitude + Pass on, various and infinite.-- + +~122~~ THE following morning presented the exhilarating aspect of +an unclouded sky, and the two friends were anticipating, at the +breakfast-table, the enjoyment of a fine day,--when + + A double rat-tat, quickly doubled again, » + Announced an intruder of Consequence vain, + Decorum inclin'd to defy all;-- + Again went the knocker, yet louder and faster, + John ran to the door, and one ask'd for his master, + Resolv'd against taking denial.-- + +“My good fellow,” said the stranger, “will you be after representing my +obeisance and all that, to the Honorable Mr. Dashall, and I beg to know +whether he is at home?” + +“Your name, sir?” + +“Augh, what does it signify?--Tell him an old friend with a new +face,--arrah, not so,--tell him, that a new friend with no face at all +at all, would be glad to wait upon him.--Sir Felix O'Grady, the Munster +baronet, d'ye mind me?” + +This was an unexpected visit, and the more kindly received by Dashall +and Tallyho, who promised themselves considerable amusement in the +acquisition of the baronet's society, which was readily conceded for the +day, to their request. + +~123~~ “Have you breakfasted?” asked Dashall. “Whether or not,” answered +Sir Felix, “I'll take a cup of taa with you, any how.” + +When the repast was finished, the triumvirate set out on their +pedestrian excursion; interrupted however, in their progress, by a +temporary shower, they took refuge in a Coffee-house, where Sir Felix +taking up a Newspaper, read from amongst the numerous advertisements, +the following selected article of information,--“Convenient +accommodations for ladies who are desirous of privately lying in, +and their infants carefully put out to nurse.” “Well now, after all,” + observed the baronet, “this same London is a very convanient place, +where a lady may gratify her pleasurable propensities, and at same time +preserve an unblemished reputation. It is only going into the country, +sure, for the benefit of her health; that is to say, she retires to one +of the villages in the neighbourhood of London, pays her way without +name given or questions asked, and in a few months, returns to Town +improved in health, but more slender in person, all her acquaintance +exclaiming, “La! my dear, how vastly thin you have grown!”-- + +“There are in London and its neighbourhood,” said Dashall, “numerous +such convenient asylums; but I cannot acquiesce in their utility.--I +am rather of opinion that they have a demoralizing tendency, as +accelerating by concealment, the progress of licentiousness.--Human +failings will still predominate, and the indulgence of illicit +intercourse is less frequently prevented by an innate principle +of virtue than the dread of shame. When facility of concealment is +therefore given to the result, these connexions will still become more +prevalent.” + +“By the Powers,” exclaimed Sir Felix, “but I think Morality ought to +feel particularly benefited by these convanient asylums; they preserve +reputation, and in some instances have prevented suicide and murder. I +know of two cases wherein both crimes were perpetrated through a sense +of shame and dread of discovery, which probably would not have +happened could the unfortunates have resorted to “convanient +accommodations.”--Well, here's good luck to the fair sex, the dear +cratures! and may they, every one of them, die on a Christmas day, any +how!”{1} + +~124~~ This eccentric wish elicited a look of surprise from the Squire, +which Sir Felix observing,-- + +“My rason is,” said he, “that the gates of heaven being open all that +day long, a body may slip in unknownst, as it is to be hoped that you, +Mr. Dashall, and I may do, some day shortly without any interruption at +all, at all.” + +This ludicrous finis excited the laughter of the company-- + + “But lo! the clouds break off, and sideways run, + Out from his shelter lively looks the sun:” + +and the united observers of Real Life hailing the favorable presage, +resumed their perambulation.-- + +Advancing along Piccadilly towards Hyde Park, they reached the splendid +mansion of the hero of Waterloo; the gates were open, and a travelling +carriage with four horses was in waiting for his Grace, who was then +about setting off to inspect the fortifications of the Netherlands.{2} +Neither Sir Felix nor Tallyho having ever seen the Duke, the triumvirate +paused at the entrance of the Court-yard, until the carriage came forth, +when they saluted the gallant warrior with the tribute of respect due +to distinguished services and exalted genius, which his Grace very +courteously returned. + + 1 On the subject of “convenient accommodation for ladies + who wish privately to ly in,” if we might hazard an opinion, + it would be in coincidence with that of our friend Dashall. + These establishments' are certainly an encouragement to + licentiousness, and it is well known, that in many of these + receptacles, “where the strictest honor and secrecy may be + relied on,” the allurement of _abortion_ is held out to the + unhappy female, if she declines the anticipation of maternal + solicitude. + + 2 Thirty-Two Great Personages! Anecdote of the Duke of + Wellington,--His Grace, the Duke of Wellington, when last in + the Netherlands, and travelling without attendants, in a + part of the country where his multitudinous titles were not + well understood, was overtaken on the road by a veteran + officer, whose route lay in the same direction with that of + his Grace. The Duke having occasion to stop; and as the + officer would reach a certain town several hours before him, + he requested that the veteran would take the trouble of + ordering dinner for him, at the principal Inn. The old + officer made his congee, and pro-ceeded on his mission. “I + am desired to order dinner here,” said he, to the landlord; + “but stay, I had better state who for.” Then calling for + pen and ink, he presented the astonished and delighted host + with the following list of his forthcoming illustrious + guests. + + The Prince of Waterloo! + The Duke of Wellington.--The Duke of Ciudad Rodrigo, + and The Duke of Vittoria. + The Marquis of Douro, and a Marshal General of France. + Master General of the Ordnance. + + Colonel of the Royal Regt. of Horse Guards, Blue. + Colonel of the Rifle Brigade. + + The Lord Lieutenant of Hampshire.--And + + The Governor of Plymouth. + + Field Marshal of Austria, + --------------------Russia, + --------------------Prussia, + --------------------France, + --------------------England, and + --------------------The Netherlands. + + A Grandee of the Highest Class. + A Captain General of Spain. + + Knights of the Orders of + The Garter, in England.--St. Andrew, in Russia.--The Black + Eagle, in Russia.--Charles III. in Spain.--St. Ferdinand and + Merit, in Spain.--The Golden Fleece, in Spain.--Maximilian + Joseph, in Bavaria.--St. Maria Theresa, in Austria.--The + Sword, in Spain.--St. Esprit, in France.--St. George, in + Russia.--The Tower and Sword, in Portugal. + And, (to bring up the rear,) + A Doctor of Civil Laws! + + “Mon Dieu!” exclaimed the host, in extacy, “what a noble + company!” He then began to tell them over;--“One Prince,” + he continued,--“Three Dukes--One Marquis--A Marshal General + of France--An English Governor--An English Lord Lieutenant-- + The Master General of the Ordnance, and Two English + Colonels--Six Field Marshals--One Grandee of the Highest + Class--A Captain General of Spain--Twelve Knights, and a + Doctor of Civil Laws!.'--_Mon Dieu!_ Thirty-two Great + Personages!!” + + All the provisions of the town, all the delicacies of the + season and all the celebrated wines, were immediately put in + requisition for the illustrious company in expectancy. + + At last the Duke of Wellington arrived, and was ushered into + a spacious dining-room, where a cloth was laid with thirty- + two covers. The person of the Duke was unknown to the + Innkeeper, who, full of important preparations for the + Thirty-two Great Personages, thought not of any thing + else.--“I ordered dinner here,” said his Grace.--“Mon + Dieu!” responded the Innkeeper, “are you one of the Thirty- + two Great Personages?” presenting the list at same time. His + Grace glanced his eye over it,--“they are all here!” said + he, “so send up the dinner immediately.” The Inn-keeper + stood aghast with amazement; at last finding utterance, he + ventured to express a hope that his Grace would be pleased + to take into consideration, that he (the Innkeeper,) had, at + great trouble and expence, provided a most sumptuous + entertainment for Thirty-two Great Personages. “D----n + the Thirty-two Great Personages,” exclaimed the Duke, “Send + up the dinner, and your bill.--Thus I must pay the penalty,” + said he, “for not having invited the old veteran to be of + the party!!” + +~125~~ The Squire observed, that the brilliant victories of his Grace, +although acknowledged and rewarded by all the Potentates of Europe, had +not procured him much popularity at home. The remark was confessed by +Dashall to be correct, but whence the public indifference originated, he +could not presume to explain. + +Crossing Hyde Park, which a celebrated physician denominated _the lungs +of the Metropolis_, our pedestrians made their egress into Oxford-road. +This fine street, with longitudinal reference the first in London, +excited the admiration of the baronet; the long line of perspective +indeterminable to the view, stretching from Hyde Park corner to St. +Giles's, the general uniformity of the buildings, the neatness, and in +many instances the splendor of the tradesmen's shops, together with the +comfortable manner of their perambulation, unjostled and unimpeded by +the hurry, throng and bustle of passengers, with which ~126~~ many other +parts of the Town are annoyed, gave an additional zest of enjoyment to +the trio in their excursion, while the Squire observed, that he felt in +this part of the Town, always as if he had been suddenly removed to +some other region of the world, far remote from the city of London, its +dissonant uproar, and crowded inconveniences. + +Turning into Blenheim street, Dashall apprized his companions, that if +they felt inclined to take a peep into the Theatre of Anatomy, he could +procure their admission. + +The Squire seemed to recoil from so disgusting an exhibition; while +on the other hand the baronet expressed a great desire to enter the +theatre. “I have been used to murder and mutilation!” said he. + +“The devil you have!” ejaculated the Squire, “where, how?” + +“Where else should it be but in Ireland?” replied the baronet:--“and as +to the how, was it not, sure, after the manner of my profession, while I +was a member of a Corps of Yeoman Cavalry, during the rebellion, when we +whipped, hanged, beheaded, and mutilated men, every day, by dozens! So +you may guess, my good ~127~~friend, that cutting up a human carcase +is nothing new to me. Only now, I should like to see if there is any +difference in the mangling of human bodies by the anatomical artists +of London from the ci-devant military professors, “The Loyal Troop of +Doneraile.” + +The hesitation manifested by the Squire yielded, ultimately, to the +importunity of the baronet, and they entered the human shambles, where +the cutters up were at work upon a subject, securing to themselves the +advantage of personal experience, in the process of dissection; the +abdomen had been already cleared out, and the corpse was portioned out +to the different students of anatomy for the purpose of illustration; +the arms to one class, the legs to another, the head to a third, &c. so +that in less than a quarter of an hour, decapitation and dismemberment +were completely effected; and the trunk was deserted, as an +uninteresting object, from which there could not be derived any +information of importance, further than that which the students had +already obtained!!! + +Sir Felix whispered his friends, that these adepts in human mutilation +far exceeded in apathy of feeling and adroitness of execution, even the +ci-devant Loyal Troop of Doneraile!--But when one of the young artists +brought forward in his hands smeared with gore, a human heart for the +operation of the dissecting knife, Tallyho declaring that he could bear +it no longer, rushed out of the theatre, and was followed by his two +companions, all disgusted with this spoliation of the dead, however +conducive it might prove to the interests of the living.{1} + + 1 The human subjects for these Theatres of Anatomy and + private dissection, are chiefly supplied by + “Resurrectionists;” a class of depraved wretches whose only + employment is that of body-snatching, or robbing the graves + of their dead; from which they derive a ready and lucrative + emolument. The anatomists are ready at all hours to receive, + without questions asked, and with prompt remuneration, the + produce of these unsanctified depredations.--Dreadful must + be the feelings of the fond relatives of a departed friend, + to learn that the sanctuary of the grave has been violated, + and the body of perhaps a beloved wife, sister, or other + revered female, exposed to the gaze, and subjected to the + scalping-knife, of these butchers. + + Iron Coffins have been resorted to as a safe-guard, which + once closed cannot be opened. For this improvement the + artist obtained a patent; but he is not likely to derive + much advantage from his invention, as the parish officers + within the bills of mortality have generally refused the + rites of sepulture to bodies cased in iron; alleging, that + the almost imperishable material would shortly compel an + enlargement of burying ground, at a vast expence, which it + is the duty of the parish officers to prevent, by resisting + the interment of bodies in iron coffins; and this resolution + has lately had the sanction of legal authority. + +~128~~ + +Proceeding along Oxford Street, Sir Felix enquired for the _Holy Land_, +informing his friends, at same time, that his servant, whom he had +entrusted the preceding day with a cheque on his banker, had not been +at home all night, and the probability was, that he had got amongst +his Munster friends in Palestine. Sir Felix was therefore desirous of +ascertaining, if possible, the sanctuary of the fugitive; and with +that view requested his friends to accompany him in a perambulation of +discovery, through (to him) these hitherto unexplored regions.--This +application was readily assented to, and the triumvirate passed onwards +to the place of destination. + +They had now reached the Church of St. Giles in the Fields, situated in +Broad Street, St. Giles's; and their attention was immediately directed +to that fine piece of sculpture over the iron gateway, leading into +the Church-yard, representing the Resurrection and Last Judgment. The +figures are in _basso relievo_, and although diminutive, are admirably +grouped, and the expression of each gives to the whole a finished and +impressive effect. + +Two minutes more, and the three friends were on the boundaries of the +Holy Land, namely, George Street, or, as formerly cognomened, Dyott +Street, Bloomsbury. + +At the end of this street, next to St. Giles's, were several of the +Lower Irish, of both gender, who, clustering together, seemed to hold +a close confabulation, casting occasionally, an inquisitive eye on Sir +Felix O'Grady. + +“By the soul of the priest!” at last exclaimed one of the Munster +emigrees, “but it is him, and I would take my davy on it;--but sure +enough, I will ax the jontleman himself now, whether he knows who he is, +or if he is any body at all, at all!” + +This real representative of the tag-rag and bob-tail of the Emerald +Isle, was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his class and country. +A nameless something that had once been a hat, covered a shock head of +hair; the redundancy of which protuberated sideways and perpendicularly, +~129~~from the ci-devant castor, in many a knotty combination, +impervious to wind and weather. The fragments of a loose great coat +decorated his tall athletic form, which scarcely reaching his knees, +exposed fully to observation his nether habiliment,-- + + “His galligaskins, that had long withstood + The winter's fury and encroaching frost + By Time subdued,--what will not Time subdue, + Now horrid rents disclosed, portending agues.” + +His brawny legs were partially cased in worsted hose, the dilapidations +of wear and tear ingeniously repaired with cloth, pieced and patched, +and comprising all the prismatic colours of the rainbow; his toes, +disdaining the trammels of duress, peeped through his brogues, as if +anxious for freedom; and to complete the singularity of this strange +figure, his vacant face was incrusted with filth, his bristly beard +unshorn,-- + + And stuck in his mouth of capacious dimensions, + That never to similar shape had pretensions, + A pipe he sustain'd, short and jetty of hue, + Thro' which the dense clouds of tobacco he drew. + +This apparition stalking onwards to our admiring triumvirate,--“May be,” + said he, “your honor can be after telling me,--will your honor be Sir +Felix O'Grady of Munster, that is, long life to it?”--“The same, by the +powers of my father who begot me!” exclaimed the baronet: “sure enough +I am Sir Felix O'Grady that is, not that will be!” “Erin ma vorneen!” + rejoined the enquirer,--“the pot of Saint Patrick be upon you, and may +your honor live all the days of your life, and many years longer, if +that's all!--Arrah, but I'm plased to my heart's content to meet wid +your honor in a strange land!” + +The congregated expectants now approached, and respectfully united their +congratulations with those of their respectable deputy.--“The pot of +Saint Patrick be upon you, and may your reverence live for ever and a +day afterwards!” It was in vain that Sir Felix offered them money. “No, +the devil a drap would they taste, unless it was wid his honor's own +self, by the holy poker!” + +There was no remedy; so Sir Felix, with his friends Dash all +and Tallyho, who were much amused by this ~130~~unsophisticated +manifestation of Irish recognition, accompanied the motley groupe to the +blue-ruin shop.{1} + +[Illustration: page130 Blue Ruin Shop] + +Entering then, the neighbouring den, of a licensed retailer of +destruction, the first object on whom the scrutinizing eye of the +baronet cast a glance, was his servant, regaling himself and his blowen +with a glass of the “right sort.” The indignant Sir Felix raised his +cane, and was about to inflict a well-merited chastisement, when the +transgressor, deprecating the wrath of his master, produced the full +amount of the cheque in mitigation of punishment, expressing his +obligations to mother Cummings for the preservation of the property. + +“And who, in the devil's name,” asked the baronet, “is mother +Cummings?”{2} + +“Och! a good sowl,” said the valet, “for all that, she keeps convanient +lodgings. And so your honor, just having got a drap too much of the +cratur last night, this girl and I took up our lodgings at mother +Cummings's: good luck to her any how! And if your honor will but forgive +me this once, I will, as in duty bound, serve you faithfully by night +and by day, in any or in no way at all at all, and never will be guilty +of the like again as long as I live, gra.” + + 1 Blue-ruin, alias English Gin.--Not unaptly is this + pernicious beverage so denominated. It is lamentable to + observe the avidity with which the lower orders of society + in London resort to this fiery liquid, destructive alike of + health and morals. The consumption of gin in the metropolis + is three-fold in proportion to what it was a few years ago. + Every public-house is now converted into “Wine Vaults,” as + they are termed, which the venders of poison and their + account in; it is true, that the occupants are compelled to + sell beer also, but in many of these receptacles, there is + not even sitting room, and “something short,” is thus the + resource of men, women, and even children! + + 2 This discreet matron has realized a very daccnt + competency, by keeping, in the Holy Land, a house of + accommodation for _single, men and their wives_.--When a + couple of this description require the asylum of her + hospitable roof, she demands possession of all the money + which the male visitor may have about him. This conceded, it + is told over, and carefully sealed up in the presence of its + owner, and left for the night in charge of the prudent + landlady. The party is then shewn into a room, and in the + morning the money is forth-coming to its utmost farthing. + +~131~~ Circumstances considered, and as this had been his first +offence, the servant, at the intercession of Dashall, was let off with a +reprimand only, and ordered home, a mandate which he instantly and with +many expressions of gratitude obeyed. + +The baronet having adjusted this business to his satisfaction, directed +his attention to his newly acquired Munster friends, whom he not only +treated with a liberal potation of aqua vitæ, but in the warmth of his +kindly feelings, actually drank with them, a condescension infinitely +more acceptable to the generous nature of these poor-people, than was +the more solid proof which he left them of his munificence; and of +which, until absolutely forced upon them, they long and pertinaciously +resisted the acceptance. + +Our party pursuing their route, entered Holborn, and ordered refreshment +at the George and Blue Boar Coffee-House; a place of excellent +accommodation, and convenient for persons coming from the West of +England. + +Here, while our perambulators amused themselves in conversation on the +occurrences of the morning, a chaise and four drove rapidly into the +yard, the postillions decorated with white ribbons, “denoting,” said +Dashall, “the successful denouement, perhaps, of a trip to Gretna +Green.” His conjecture was correct; the happy pair just arrived, had +been rivetted in the ties of matrimony by the far-famed blacksmith of +Gretna.{1} + + 1 In tracing the pursuits of needy and profligate + adventurers, with whom this vast metropolis abounds beyond + that of any other capital in the world, wife-hunting is not + the least predominant. This remark we cannot better + illustrate than by introducing to the notice of our readers, + the following extraordinary detail, exhibiting in High Life, + atrocious premeditated villainy, and in the mediocrity of + female rank extreme and fatal cupidity. + + An anecdote has come to our knowledge within the last few + days which we think calls for publicity, as it may tend to + place on their guard those tender-hearted spinsters whose + sensibility of feeling may induce them for a moment to + forget that prudence which is at all times the best + safeguard of their sex. The circumstances which we shall + describe are considered quite unique among certain orders of + the sporting world; and the Hero of the Tale, from the + dashing completion of his plan, has obtained no small + importance in the eyes of his associates. + + To our purpose;--About a fortnight back, a person, we will + not call him a gentleman, the first letter of whose name is + not far re-moved from the last letter of the alphabet, and + who has been particularly distinguished for the dashing, + although not very meritorious affairs in which he has been + engaged, both on the turf and the road, as well as in the + stable, found himself (to use one of his own fashionable + phrases,) “hard up.” In plain terms, his Exchequer was + completely exhausted, and what was worse, his credit was + altogether “out at the elbows.” All ordinary, and, indeed, + almost all extraordinary modes of “raising the wind,” had + long since been worn threadbare. Something, however, must be + done; and to be “well done,” it must be “done quickly.” A + happy thought struck him. He had heard of a lady, some few + years beyond her “teens,” who was possessed of a pretty + round sum; he could not ascertain exactly how much, in her + own right. This was a prize which he thought it would be + most desirable to obtain. It was true, the lady was past + that age when passion is not at all times to be con-trolled; + but then certainly not so far advanced as to have abandoned + all hope of obtaining an agreeable husband, or not to be + perfectly convinced that her attractions entitled her to + entertain such an expectation. The only difficulty which + suggested itself, was the mode of introduction. Two heads + are better than one, and our hero called in a friend, to + whom he unfolded his scheme, and whose advice and assistance + he immediately bespoke. The friend had no scruples on the + subject, and at once became a partner in the plot. Means + were found to overcome the first impediment, and behold our + two gentlemen in the presence of the fair object of their + attack. The principal was immediately introduced as the + son of Sir George ----, a highly respectable Baronet of the + same name, but of a very different character. His manners + were chastened for the occasion, his appearance fashionable, + and his address distinguished by a warmth which the + acknowledged purpose of his visit, that of soliciting the + honor of being permitted to pay his addresses, in some + measure justified. The lady was not displeased: to all + appearance the connexion, which was thus offered to her was + most nattering; the son of a baronet, and one especially who + had expressed himself in a most disinterested manner, was + not to be dismissed without due deliberation; she, + therefore, with becoming frankness, consented to grant + another interview on the ensuing day. The friends were + punctual to the time appointed, and came in the carriage + (_pro tempore_) of the suitor. They were shown into the + drawing-room, and the conversation was mutually pleasing. At + length our hero proposed to the lady to take a short airing + in his carriage. At first she exhibited the usual coyness at + such an invitation from one, to whom she was almost a + stranger; but was ultimately bantered into a consent, and + accordingly dressed for a ride. Having taken her seat + between the two gentlemen, they engaged her on such topics + as they thought most amusing, and the time passed so + agreeably that she scarce knew where she was going, till she + had arrived at Barnet, on the north road. They stopped at + one of the principal inns, and alighting, a slight cold + repast was ordered. The convenient friend shortly after + quitted the apartment to look to the horses, and the _soi- + disant_ son of the Baronet instantly commenced an + assault upon the lady's heart, which it would seem, was but + too well received. He protested that he had long sighed at a + distance, without having the courage to confess his flame; + and, in short, that he could not exist unless she became + his. The lady, whatever might be the feelings of her heart, + laughed at the warmth of his declarations. This only induced + him to become more impetuous; and at last, as a proof of his + sincerity, he proposed, as they were so far on the north + road, that they should order four horses, and set off at + once to Gretna Green. This produced additional merri-ment on + the part of the lady, which, as there was no specific + refusal, was taken for consent; and on the return of the + friend, he received a wink, which instructed him in the + course he was to pursue, and in a moment, four horses were + clapped to the travelling chariot in which they had arrived. + The lady was shortly afterwards handed to her seat, and, + accompanied as before, was whirled off with the utmost + velocity. She had gone thirty miles of the road, however, + before she believed that her lover was really serious. On + alighting at the end of the third stage, reflection came to + her aid, and she began to repent of having suffered herself + to be prevailed on to consent so far to what she still + pretended to believe was but a joke. On our hero quitting + the coom, she represented to his friend the utter + impossibility of proceeding further, and entreated that he + would take means to have her re-conducted to town. The + friend, however, who was too much interested in the success + of a plot so well commenced, endeavoured to dissuade her, by + every argument of which he was master, to go on; but she + positively refused; when, as the last resource, he + determined to work on her fears, and accordingly told her, + that Mr.---- had long spoken of her, in terms of impatient + rapture; that he was a man, unhappily, of a most passionate + temper, and that he had vowed, sooner than he would go back + to London without making her his wife, he would blow out his + brains, for which purpose he was provided with a brace of + pistols, then in his pocket, and double loaded. To this was + added the still more persuasive observation, that he was a + gentleman of family and fortune and figure, to whom no + rational objection could be taken by any woman whose heart + had not been previously engaged. The result was, that the + unfortunate woman, half consenting, half relenting, agreed + to go forward, and on they drove till they arrived full + speed at Gretna Bridge, in Yorkshire. Here a new difficulty + arose; our hero had exhausted his purse, and had not a + shilling left to enable him to complete his journey; his + good genius, however, had not deserted him, and, with that + effrontery for which he is distinguished, he called the + landlord into a private room, told him he was on his way to + Gretna Green with an heiress, again described himself to be + the son of a baronet, and finally requested him to give cash + for a cheque which he proposed drawing on a respectable + banking-house in town, (where, by the bye, he happened to + have no account.) The cause he assigned for his distress was + the suddenness of his flight from town. His appeal + proved successful, and he was furnished with the means of + completing his journey. Again the trio resumed their course, + and in the end reached the quarters of the celebrated + Blacksmith, who was immediately summoned to their presence. + Here another impediment threw them into fresh alarm; the + Blacksmith seeing the style in which they had arrived, and + judging from that circumstance that they were persons of no + mean consequence, refused to rivet their chains under a + douceur of One hundred pounds. This sum it was impossible, + at so short a notice, they could raise; and their hopes + would have been altogether frustrated, had not the eloquence + of our hero once more proved successful. He explained to the + venerable priest that their finances were but slender; and + having assured him of that fact, he induced him to accept of + Five pounds down, and a note of hand for Fifty pounds more. + The Gordian knot was then tied, and Mr. and Mrs.---- + having received the congratulations of their friend, who + witnessed the ceremony, returned to Gretna Bridge; where + they agreed to wait a few days, until a remittance for which + the lady, under some plausible excuse, was induced to draw, + had arrived. The necessary sum at length reached their + hands; the bill was dis-charged; the cheque upon which the + cash had been previously advanced, redeemed; and the party + pursued their journey back to the metropolis. + + On reaching London, the marriage ceremony was repeated in a + more formal manner, and thus all question of the validity of + the union was set at rest. Our hero had now to render + available the funds of his Lady; and in a morning _tete-a- + tete_ requested some information as to the state of her + fortune? It was a subject, he said, of no great importance + in his estimation, but still he wished to know what she had? + The Lady candidly told him that all she had under her own + control, was £1,100 in the 5 per Cents, and a bond of her + brother's for £2,500 payable on demand. On the very same + day, the disinterested husband was found soliciting several + brokers in the city, to sell out the stock which his wife + had described, but they all declined, unless the lady were + present. This was an objection easily got over; he returned + to his wife, and having assigned some feasible reason for an + immediate want of ready cash, induced her to accompany him + to the market, where the value of the stock was soon + transferred into his pocket. + + The friends of the lady had by this time been apprised of + her marriage, and naturally felt anxious to ascertain the + character of the connexion which she had formed. She, of + course, repeated the story told her by her “Lord and + Master;” but inquiry having been made as to its truth, it + was found to be fictitious in all its main features. Her + husband, although of the same name, was not the son of Sir + George, nor was he at all connected with that family; and in + addition to this, it was ascertained that he was, as we have + already described him to be, a gentleman “much better known + than trusted.” It is needless to say that the feelings of + the lady were greatly agitated at these discoveries, and she + did not hesitate to upbraid her husband with his deceitful + conduct. His sensibility, however, was not to be excited + on such an occasion; he coolly told her he knew all she + could say on that subject without putting her to any further + trouble; and, in fine, confirmed all that she had heard to + his prejudice. She had taken him “for better for worse,” + and she must make the best of a bad bargain. The brother + of the lady now interfered; he had an interview with her + husband, and could not suppress the indignation which he + felt in his presence. Our hero had too long been accustomed + to the reverses of the sporting world to be easily ruffled; + he preserved his temper with admirable presence of mind, and + having heard the enraged brother to a conclusion, at last + very coolly replied, that “all he had said might be very + true, but that did not alter the fact that his sister was + his lawful wife; and further, that, as her husband, he held + a bond of his (the brother's) for £12,500, payable on + demand, and of which he requested immediate payment as he + was short of “the ready.” The cold-blooded gravity with + which this demand was made, incensed the brother still + more, and he gave vent to the feelings which were excited in + his breast. Our hero was in no respect thrown off his + guard, and at last, after having heard that the brother, as + well as the lady, whose eyes were now open to his real + character, would be glad to get rid of him on any terms; he + proposed to “do the thing,” what he called “handsomely,” and + with very little qualification suggested, that in order to + settle the business “amicably,” he had no objection to give + up his wife and her brother's bond for £1,000 in addition to + the £1,000 he had already received. Unprincipled as this + offer was, the brother, upon reflection, felt that he was + “in the jaws of the lion,” and therefore, after consultation + with his sister, who was but too happy in escaping from such + a companion, he agreed to the terms proposed. The £1,000 + was paid, the bond returned, and a separation mutually + agreed upon without further delay, to the infinite + satisfaction of our hero, who tells the adventure among his + friends with extra-ordinary glee, taking no small credit to + himself for its happy issue. We have suppressed the names of + the parties, for obvious reasons; there are those by whom + they will be immediately recognised. We wish, however, + not to give unnecessary pain to the individuals really + injured; and have only to hope the facts we have detailed + may operate as a sufficient caution to others who may be + placed in similar situations in future. + +~135~~ Sir Felix O'Grady was all a-gog to learn from the postillions the +names of the party, but nothing satisfactory could be elicited. + +Our trio now directed their progress along Holborn, in which route they +had advanced but a few minutes when their attention was arrested by +a concourse of people assembled at the door of a Linen-draper, who +it seems had detected a thief in the person of a pregnant woman. +This information excited the sympathy of our three friends, and they +accordingly entered the Shop. Tallyho entreated of the Linen-draper, +that he would be merciful to the unfortunate woman, in consideration of +her being so far in a family way. + +“And yet, sir,” answered the Shopkeeper, “I fancy we shall be able to +relieve the lady without the assistance of a midwife.” The woman was +then taken into a back room and searched by two of her own sex. The +result ~136~~of this investigation was soon made known.--The pregnancy +was assumed, the better to evade suspicion; her under garments were +completely lined with hooks, to which were suspended, in vast variety, +articles of stolen property, including not only those of light weight, +viz. handkerchiefs, shawls, stockings, &c. but several of less portable +description, amongst which were two pieces of Irish linen. These +articles she had conveyed through an aperture in her upper habiliment of +sufficient dimensions to admit an easy access to the general repository. +The ingenuity of this invention created much surprise, and as it greatly +facilitated concealment and evaded detection, there is no doubt of its +having frequently produced a rich harvest. This female adept was now +committed to the charge of an officer, the Shopkeeper having identified +upon her person several articles of stolen property. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + Ladies,--the chariot waits;--the toilet now + Where erst so many hours were idly spent, + Asks of its wonted due the tythe alone;-- + Braid then your tresses of luxuriant now, + And wrap your forms angelic in the dress + Simple, yet rich and elegant, that gives + Your matchless beauties half revealed to view; + The broad capacious bosom's luscious swell, + Still heaving strong, and suing to be prest;-- + Grace then the vehicle.--We, observers + Of Real Life, the while, in London go + To “catch the living manners as they rise, + “And give the age its very form and pressure.” + +~137~~ CONTINUING their route down Holborn, the adventure in the +Linen-draper's shop became the theme of conversation.--“It is not +alone,” said Dashall, “to the lower orders and necessitous that this +system of Shop-lifting is confined; many recent instances have occurred +of similar depredation, by women above the mediocrity of rank, who, +however, frequently contrive to compromise prosecution, while the +delinquent of poverty is visited by the utmost rigor of the law!--Of the +two, certainly the thief from habit is more culpable than the thief from +necessity.” + +Sir Felix and the Squire entirely agreed with their friend in +opinion.--“Shop-lifters,” continued Dashall, “are as pernicious to the +trading part of the community as any of the cheats of London; there is +not, on a moderate calculation, less than 5000 of these artful thieves +in the metropolis, and the prejudice they do to the industrious +tradesman is incalculable.” + +“By the powers of safety, then,” exclaimed the baronet “the +honest dealer should consider every stranger a thief until further +acquaintance.” + +“Not exactly so; however, it is necessary that the London tradesman +should be upon his guard, and keep ~138~~ a sharp look out upon his +customers, not knowing, by their appearance, whether they are honest or +otherwise.”{1} + +Turning from Holborn into Chancery Lane, our pedestrians were +encountered by a very handsome chariot, in which were two elegantly +dressed and beautiful women, who, ordering the carriage to stop, +saluted Dashall and the Squire in the most fascinating terms of friendly +recognition. + +“Your Ladyships render me,” said Dashall, “infinite happiness; this is a +most unexpected pleasure!” + +“You are a gallant cavalier,” observed one of the lovely inmates, +“another gentleman would probably have used the word honor instead of +happiness, but you are fertile in felicitous expression.” + +“Not more felicitous than appropriate; but whither away, my fair +captivators?” + +“We are on a shopping expedition,” replied one of the ladies, “you +and your friend of Belville-hall, are observers of Life in London +generally;--ours is a mere circumscribed sphere of action; we go to +view Life in a Mercer's shop.--When the Squire and you are not more +pleasantly engaged, give us a call, and perhaps we may grant you the +honor of an interview.--We would ask the Unknown,” said she, in a +whisper, “who is he?” + + 1 A thief from habit.--Not long since, there existed in + the fashionable world, a female of rank and property, who + was an habitual, expert, and incorrigible thief.--She would + frequently sally forth in her carriage, and alighting at the + doors of perhaps, half a dozen different tradesmen, rummage + over their goods, without mak-ing a purchase, and embrace + the opportunity of purloining any portable article that lay + in her way. Those tradesmen to whom her thieving + propensities were known, used to watch, carefully, her + manoeuvres, let her walk off with the spoil, and then send a + bill of depredation, which she uniformly, and without + hesitation, dis-charged. This unfortunate woman was one + morning detected in the shop of a Mercer to whom she was a + stranger, in the act of pilfering some article of value. He + was about to detain her, when she burst into an agony of + tears, acknowledged, and lamented deeply, the irresistible + infatuation under which she acted, disclosed her rank and + family, and the compassionate mercer suffered her to depart. + + At another time, being one of a card-party, a gold snuff-box + vanished from the table. Every person present denied any + knowledge of it;--“Madam, you are mistaken,” said one of the + company, “you have got the snuff-box in your pocket.”--“How + very _absent_ I am!”exclaimed our heroine, producing the + box.--“And I beg that you will continue absent!” said the + lady of the mansion. + +~139~~ “Sir Felix O'Grady, Madam,” answered Dashall, “an Irish baronet, +of recent acquaintance; like every other gentleman of the Emerald Isle, +combining, with characteristic eccentricity, a sound head and a warm +heart.” + +“Then, of all things, bring him with you.” “So,” waving gracefully her +hand, “adieu!” the trio responded, by respectfully raising their hats, +“_Allons donc_,” she exclaimed, and the carriage drove off. + +“There go,” exclaimed Dashall, “two of the most lovely and accomplished +women in London, and perhaps the least tinctured with fashionable +folly.” + +“With the exception,” observed the Squire, “of shopping, that is, I +presume, making the morning tour of tradesmen's shops, tumbling over +their goods, giving them every possible trouble, and ultimately making +no purchase.”{1} + +Dashall admitted the correctness of the Squire's observation, as +generally applicable, but claimed an exemption for the ladies in +question. + +On the left, proceeding down Chancery Lane, Dashall pointed to a +respectable house as the occasional residence of a lady in the first +class of literature, whose writings have given universal satisfaction, +and will continue to be read with increased avidity, as conveying the +most admirable lessons of morality, told in a manner alike impressive +and pathetic;--Mrs. Op*e; the widow of the late celebrated artist. This +excellent woman is endeared to the circle of her numerous acquaintance +by a pre-eminent + + 1 Tallyho had improved in his knowledge of Real Life in + London.--His definition of Shopping was perfectly correct. + + One of those fashionable female idlers, who delight in + occupying the time, and exercising the patience of the + industrious, alighted, a short time since, at the shop of a + tradesman in Ludgate-street, and after a couple of hours + spent in examining and re-examining a variety of rich silks, + made her election at last, and desired the mercer to cut her + off a shilling's worth, throwing, at the same time, the + money on the counter. The tradesman, with perfect coolness, + took up the piece of coin, laid it on a corner of the silk, + circum-scribed it with his scissors, and presented the part + so cut out to the lady, as the shilling's worth required. We + feel pleasure in recording the result. The lady admired the + mercer's equanimity of temper, laughed heartily at his + manner of illustrating it, and in atonement for trouble + given and patience exemplified, became, and still continues, + one of his most valued customers. + +~140~~ suavity of disposition, blended with superior mental endowments; +to the unfortunate by her benevolent heart, to which the appeal of +distress is never made in vain; and to the public generally, by her +invaluable works, the uniform tendency of which is the advancement of +virtue and the inculcation of the benign feelings of humanity.{1} + + 1 To the admirers of Mrs. Op*e, the following lines, never + before published, will not prove unacceptable. + + TRIBUTE OF RESPECT. + O Thou of matchless power to raise + And bend the Passions to thy sway I-- + Whose pen with magic force portrays, + Whose spell the shadowy forms obey. + Of Joy and Grief, of Hope and Fear, + And wiles from Apathy a tear,-- + Enchantress! take the duteous lays + To Worth that Admiration pays. + + To thee, as to thy Op*e, given + On Immortality a claim; + His virtues pass'd from Earth to Heaven, + Yet still exist in deathless fame;-- + His pencil to thy pen assign'd + To charm, instruct, and grace mankind!-- + And Oh! could but my humble strains + To thy impressive skill aspire, + The Muse that faintly now sustains + Thy worth, would make poetic fire, + And glowing high, with fervid name, + Would graft her honors on thy name.-- + + But ah! bereft of every stay, + From Hope exil'd, with Woe I keep + My vigils, each sad sorrowing day, + And wake, each dreary night, to weep!-- + By Penury chill'd poetic powers, + No voice to soothe, no hand to save, + And snatch a victim from the grave,-- + Around me Desolation lours, + And glaring, midst the deep'ning gloom, + Despair and Famine urge me to the tomb! + + If, all unmeet, my humble strain + Is destin'd still to flow in vain;-- + Shouldst thou the tribute now refuse + Essayed by Misery and the Muse; + Reject not yet the lay with scorn, + To thee by kindred feelings borne;-- + For still thy tales of plaintive tone + Breathe pain and sufferings, like mine own. + +~141~~ Facing the entrance to the Royal Wax Works, Sir Felix made a full +stop;--“That fellow,” said he, alluding to the whole length figure of +the Centinel, “stands as motionless as a statue; by the powers, but +half-a-dozen peep-o-day boys in his rear would be after putting life and +mettle in his heels!--Shoulder and carry your arms, you spalpeen; and +is this the way that you show the position of a soldier?” at same time +enforcing his admonition with a smart stroke of his cane over the arm +of the inanimated military representative. The attendant, a young man +in the costume of the Yeomen of the Guards, remonstrated; Dashall and +Tallyho laughed most immoderately; and the baronet, equally enjoying the +joke, persisted in affecting to believe, that he was addressing himself +to a living object, greatly to the amusement of the now congregating +street passengers. + +“Begging your pardon, ray jewel,” continued Sir Felix, “long life and +good luck to you, in your stationary quarters, and may His Majesty never +find a more active enemy than yourself!--By the soul of my grandmother, +it would be well for poor Ireland, who has taken leave of her senses, if +her bog-trotting marauders were as peaceably inclined as you are.--Fait +and troth, but you're a fine looking lad after all, and with the +assistance of your master, and a touch of Prometheus, we might raise +a regiment of braver fellows than the King's Guards, without bounty or +beat of drum, in the twinkling of an eye, honey; but with your leave, +and saving yourself unnecessary trouble, we'll be after paying a visit +to the company above stairs; “and the party proceeded to the exhibition +room.-- + +Here were representatives of the living and mementos of the dead! Kings +and Queens, Princes and Princesses, + + Ah! cease the sad resemblance here!-- + Thee, then, to every feeling dear + Of tender sympathy,--thy way + Illumin'd to life's remotest day. + In bliss, in worth, in talent shine, + Though pain, and want unsuccour'd, mine! + Adorning this terrestrial sphere, + Be long an Op*e's talents given; + And Virtue consecrate the tear + When call'd to join her native Heaven! + + A. K. + +~142~~ warriors, statesmen, poets, and philosophers, in social +communion: not forgetting the lady who had three hundred and sixty-five +children at a birth!!{1} + +The baronet made many congees to the great and inferior personages by +whom he was surrounded, admired the heterogeneity of the group, and +regretted that their imperfect creation precluded the possibility of +converse. + +One of the figures, by an unobserved excitement of the attendant, +now inclined its head to Sir Felix, who, nothing daunted, immediately +assumed the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, and exclaimed, + +“Nay, if thou canst nod, speak too! if our graves And charnel houses +give those we bury back, Our monuments shall be the maws of kites.” + +The company present pronounced the baronet a player, and a lady, to whom +the manly and athletic form of the supposed tragedian had given apparent +pleasure, assured him she had never heard the passage more impressively +delivered, and that certainly, in the character of the Scottish Usurper, +there was no doubt of his becoming to Mr. Kran a very formidable rival! + +Sir Felix sustained his part admirably, expressing his high +acknowledgment of the lady's favorable opinion; but the enquiry when and +in which theatre, he meant to make his first appearance, had so nearly +deranged his gravity and that of his two friends, as to induce them to +hasten their retreat. + +Dashall and Tallyho congratulated the baronet on his promising dramatic +talent, and advised him still further to court the favors of the tragic +Muse. + +“May the devil burn the tragic Muse!” he exclaimed; + + 1 Thus runs the legend.-- + + A lady in former times, who, it seems, like some of our + modern visionaries, was an enemy to superabundant + population, and would have restricted the procreation of + children to those only who could maintain them; was applied + to for alms by a poor woman, with no less than five little + famishing urchins in her train. The haughty dame not only + refused to relieve the unfortunate mendicant, but poured + upon her a torrent of abuse, adding that she had no right to + put herself in the way of having children whom she could not + support.--The woman dropped on her knees, and prayed “that + the lady might have as many children at one birth as there + were days in the year!” and so, (as the legend runs,) it + actually happened! + +~143~~ “Arrah, give me the favors of that sweet pretty crature, the +comical Muse at the Wax-works, who took me for a player,--Och! the +fascination of her smile and the witchery of her eye before all the +Muses that ever fuddled the brain of a garreteer!” + +“Why baronet,” said the Squire, “you are love-struck,--deeply +lurched,--taken in by the knowing one!” + +“Taken in, that is as it may hereafter happen, but an Irishman, my +jewel, is never so desperately in love with one girl but he can spare a +bit of affection for another. + + “Sure love is the soul of a nate Irishman, + He loves all that's lovely, loves all that he can + With his sprig of shilleleagh and shamrock so green.”-- + +The three friends had now rounded the corner at the bottom of +Fleet-street, in the direction of Blackfriars, when Dashall claimed the +attention of his associates.-- + +“This is the domicil,” said he, “of the patriotic Alderman, who, during +so many years has uniformly and ably opposed the civic hirelings of +Corruption, advocated the cause of Freedom, and acquired the well-earned +meed of high estimation by all the respectable and independent portion +of his fellow-citizens. + +“Firm in principle, and resolute in difficulty, the conscientious +discharge of his duty has ever been his prominent object. But perhaps in +no instance has he so greatly endeared himself to humanity, than in that +of the long protracted inquest on the bodies of the two unfortunate +men, Honey and Francis, the victims of military outrage; his constant +attendance and indefatigable exertions on that occasion, were the means +of eliciting many particulars which otherways might not have been known, +and which ultimately led the Jury to record the atrociousness of the +crime by the several verdicts of murder and manslaughter. + +“Again, on the memorable day of the funeral of these two immolated men, +Mr. W. in his capacity of Sheriff, supported with becoming dignity, his +high station, and undaunted amidst imminent danger, enforced obedience +even from the military, and saved the effusion of human blood.” + +London exhibits, daily, a series of depravity perhaps unparalleled in +any other part of the British Empire.-- + +~144~~ Dashall had just finished his eulogium on the worthy Alderman, +in which his friends heartily coincided, when the attention of the +triumvirate was attracted by the appalling appearance of five men +rivetted together, and conducted along the street by officers of +justice. Tallyho enquired into the nature of their crimes, and was +informed that they were in custody under suspicion of house-breaking in +the night-time, and that two of them, particularly, had been taken in +the house which they had plundered, regaling themselves, in perfect +ease, with cold meat, wine, and liquors, and the stolen property tied up +in a bag, with which, on the moment of alarm, they attempted an escape, +but were intercepted in their retreat, and taken in charge by the +officers after a desperate resistance, in which shots and hurts were +received both by the victors and the vanquished. It is almost beyond +belief, that men engaged in an enterprise wherein ignominious death +awaits discovery, would sit down to regale themselves after having +secured their booty, with as much composure, as if in their own homes; +yet so it is; such is the daring callousness of mind attached to long +confirmed and successful habits of guilt.{1} + + 1 Police. Mansion House.--William Johnson was charged by Mr. + Miller of Lower Thames Street, on suspicion of having com- + mitted a robbery on Thursday night, under circumstances of + rather an extraordinary kind.. Mr. Miller's evidence was to + the following effect. He has a cut glass and earthenware + warehouse in Thames Street, but does not reside there. Upon + visiting his warehouse yesterday morning, he found that + thieves had been very busy upon the concern the night + before. They did not get much, but while they were in the + house they enjoyed themselves. They lighted a fire, and paid + a visit to the wine-cellar, from which they took two bottles + of wine and three bottles of perry, which it seemed they + drank warm with sugar, and Mr. Miller received a very polite + letter from one of them, acknowledging the obligations they + were under to him for the excellent beverage his cellar + afforded. Upon examining other parts of the premises. Mr. + Miller found that his iron chest had been forced open. The + instrument (a large chissel) with which this feat was + performed was lying on the premises, and a dark lanthorn, + which the thieves had forgotten, was also picked up in the + course of the search. The petty cash drawers of the iron + chest lay open empty, but Mr. Miller believed there had been + in them when he left the Warehouse, a sum perhaps not + exceeding a couple of pounds. The bills and papers were not + taken away, neither had any thing been removed that was + likely to be recovered. Some silver cruet-tops were taken, + but the cruets were left behind. The chissel, which, + though very strong, had been broken in the effort to open + the chest, was of the largest size. All the rooms of the + building, except those in front, had been visited by the + depredators, and there were various circumstances concurring + to fix a very strong suspicion on the prisoner, besides the + probability that he was the writer of the letter “of thanks” + to Mr. Miller for the entertainment afforded. The letter, + which was written in a good hand, began with the word + “Gemmen,” and stated that they (the writer and his friends) + had called, regretted that there was no “_wassel in the + lob_,” (money in the chest) but expressed the highest + opinion of the wine, begged pardon for disturbing the + papers, and expressed how happy those who drank the wine + would be to visit the premises upon a future occasion! The + prisoner was remanded. + +~145~~ It sometimes happens that even juvenile depredators who have +imbibed a propensity for liquor, have been caught in the snare thus +laid by themselves. Of this fact Dashall gave the following very curious +illustration.--“A few evenings ago,” said he, “the family of my next +door neighbour retired to rest, leaving every thing, as they imagined, +in a state of perfect security. On the servant however, coming down +stairs in the morning, he was surprised to find a new and unexpected +inmate, fast asleep in the kitchen, a quantity of plate packed up lay by +his side, and before him were a bottle of brandy and another of wine. +He was a lad not more than sixteen years of age, who had ingeniously +contrived, in the nighttime, to get access to the house, and having +secured his spoil, had resorted to the pantry and wine-cellar for +refreshment. Of the stores from the latter receptacle, he had partaken +so liberally that he was thrown into a deep slumber, from which he was +roused by the unwelcome voice of the Officer who had been sent for to +take him into custody.” + +Our perambulators had now passed along the bridge, and advanced a short +distance on Blackfriar's road, when they observed a spacious travelling +caravan, stationary by the side of the high way, intimating that there +was to be seen within, the great northern bear, known by the name of +“Autocrat of All the Russias,” while a fellow with a speaking tube +invited in the most alluring terms of itinerant oratory, the gaping +multitude to walk in,--“Walk in, ladies and gentlemen, and behold +this most wonderous of all wonders that ever was wondered at in this +wonderful world,--the _Ursa major_,--that gives its name to one of +the constellations, and was taken by a _ruse de guerre_ in one of the +hitherto undiscovered deserts of the remotest Siberia! This stupendous +animal was sent from these unknown regions as a present to a certain +great personage in this country, who having a superabundancy of native +bears already prowling about him, was pleased to order the dismission +of this northern stranger, without a pension; and thus it came into the +possession of its present exhibiter!” + +~146~~ This irresistible invitation was accepted by several of the +auditory, including the baronet, Dashall, and the Squire, who were +gratified beyond their anticipations, with a sight of the great polar +bear, the desolate inhabitant of a frigid and dismal clime, where +Nature has forbid the vegetative, and stinted the growth of the animal +creation, with the exception of the shaggy wanderer of the desert +and the floundering leviathan of the ocean. The animal was perfectly +tractable; and its exhibition well compensated both for time and +gratuity. + +The proprietor, however, in answer to an enquiry apart by Dashall, +acknowledged that his Ursine companion had never been attached to the +household of any great personage; although a northern quadruped of +lesser interest was under the protection of one of the Royal Dukes and +frequently played its mischievous gambols in the environs of Kensington +Palace.{1} + + 1 The Bear at Kensington Palace. Early on Sunday morn-ing it + was discovered, that a large black bear, sent as a present + to His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex, had contrived to + break out of his cage, which was placed in a coach-house, + and Bruin, having an inclination to explore these premises, + containing a hand-some new chariot, mounted the foot-board, + and began to play with the tassels; he next ascended the + roof and the box, the covering of which became a prey to his + claws; after enjoying himself as an outside passenger, as + long as he thought proper, he proceeded to examine the + interior of the vehicle, and turning from the box, made his + entre through the front windows into the carriage, which + bore serious marks of his savage curiosity. No one dared to + approach this northern visitor, and in order to prevent + further depredations in his probable rambles, guards were + placed, with fixed bayonets, until some keepers arrived from + a Menagerie, who secured him, after great difficulty, in one + of their strong cages. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + “Oh the dear pleasures of the velvet plain, + The painted Tablets, deal't and deal't again + Cards, with what rapture, and the polish'd die + The yawning chasm of indolence supply. + Then to the Dance and make the sober moon + Witness of joys that shun the sight of noon. + Blame cynic if you can, quadrille or ball, + The snug close party, or the splendid hall, + “Where night down stooping from her ebon throne + Views constellations brighter than her own. + 'Tis innocent and harmless, and refined, + The balm of care, elysium of the mind.” + +~147~~ THE rapid succession of novelty in a Life in London where the +scenes like those of a Pantomime are constantly changing + + “From grave to gay, from lively to severe,” + +scarcely required those attentions which the Hon. Tom Dashall continued +to enjoy on the score of arrangements for the gratification and +information of his cousin. He was ever watchful of opportunities to +furnish new views of Real Life and character to Tallyho, and who never +failed to profit by his observations upon Men and manners: for Tom, +notwithstanding the gaiety of his disposition, was an acute and +discerning companion, who having mingled in all ranks and degrees of +Society, was able to associate himself with the high or the low, as +circumstances might require, and to form tolerably accurate estimates of +those by whom he was surrounded. + +It was, therefore, with his usual view to the accomplishment of his +cousin as a votary of Real Life in London, that he had proposed a visit +to a fancy dress Ball at Almack's, and preparations had accordingly been +made between them. + +“A Fancy dress Ball,” said Tom, in order to give his cousin an idea +of the entertainment he was to partake, “bears some similitude to a +Masquerade, with two important exceptions: first, Masks are not general; +and second, ~148~~ No practical Jokes are expected or admitted. Dress +however, is left wholly to the taste or inclination of the visitors, and +the amusements consist principally of dancing and cards. The Rooms are +of the most splendid description, and the company generally of the first +order; combining all that is elegant and fashionable in what is termed +the higher ranks of society,--'Tis said + +[Illustration: page148 Almacks] + + “If once to Almacks you belong, + Like monarchs you can do no wrong. + But banish'd thence on Wednesday night, + By Jove you can do nothing right. + I hear (perhaps the story false is,) + From Almacks, that he never waltzes + With Lady Anne or Lady Biddy, + Twirling till he's in Love, or giddy. + The girl a pigmy, he a giant, + His cravat stiff, her corset pliant. + There, while some jaded couple stops, + The rest go round like humming tops. + Each in the circle with its neighbour + Sharing alternate rest and labour; + While many a gentle chaperon + As the fair Dervises spin on, + Sighs with regret that she was courted, + Ere this new fashion was imported. + Ere the dull minuet step had vanished, . + With jigs and country scrapers banished. + + But ---- whose energy relaxes + No more revolves upon his axis, + As sounds of cymbal and of drum + Deep clanging from the orch'tra come, + And round him moves in radiance bright + Some beauteous beaming sattelite. + Nor ventures as the night advances, + On a new partner in French dances, + Nor his high destiny fulfilling + Through all the mazes of quadrilling, + Holds, lest the figure should be hard + Close to his nose a printed card, + Which for their special use invented, + To beaus on entrance is presented. + A strange device one must allow, + But useful as it tells them how + To foot it in their proper places, + Much better than their partners faces. + + Mark how the married and the single, + In yon gay groupes delighted mingle: + Midst diamonds blazing, tapers beaming, + Midst Georges, Stars, and Crosses gleaming. + We gaze on beauty, catch the sound + Of music, and of mirth around. + And discord feels her empire ended + At Almacks--or at least suspended.” + +“Zounds,” said Dashall, “I am happy to see the Rooms so well attended +this evening, and particularly to find Mr. Maitland and his two lovely +sisters. Do you observe,” continued he, “that Gentleman in Regimentals +on the opposite side?” + +“I do, and is he in the Army?” enquired Bob “No,” replied Tom, “that is +only an assumed character for the Evening, but I must introduce you to +them, though the Ladies are considered to be sharp shooters with their +eyes, therefore it will be necessary for you to be on your guard.” + + “I've heard that by a single glance + Strange witchery is sometimes done, + And only by a look askance, + Ladies have many a lover won.” + +The elegant and tasteful illuminations of the Room, the sprightly sound +of the music by a well selected band, and the gay movements of the well +dressed circles, were attractive in the mind of Tallyho, and alternately +rivetted his attention, while his cousin was as frequently addressed and +congratulated by his friends. + +“My Dear Tom,” said Maitland, who was lounging round the Room with his +two sisters, and who seemed to consider himself the rose of the party by +the affected levity of a military character, “I am glad to see +you--'pon Honor--just going to make up a quadrille--know you are a good +dancer--list you in my Corps with Misa Maitland's permission--but can't +be denied 'pon Honor.” + +“That is very gallant, truly,” replied a lovely and interesting girl, +his eldest sister. “With my permission, and yet he won't be denied.” + +“If Miss Maitland were to command,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “denial +were impossible, disobedience were disgrace and dishonor.”--bowing +politely to the Ladies. + +“Vastly pretty indeed Mr. Dashall, and to speak the truth I am very glad +to find you here; for you know my brother is but a nobody, except when +he shews himself off in Regimentals:” replied Miss Maitland. + +~150~~ “Aye, and we want somebody to talk to,” continued her sister. + +“'Pon my word, this is strange ill usage,” said Maitland.-“I shall +desert.” + +“Nay,” said Tom, “there is no need of that: but if you do, the ladies +shall not be deserted while I have a hand at their service, and I +believe I may venture to offer additional protection on the part of my +Cousin.” + +Bob nodded assent, and assured the party he was proud of the honor +of the introduction; while Maitland eyed him from top to toe, and was +heartily laughed at by his sisters, which not a little mortified him. + +“If that's the case,” said he, taking out his quizzing-glass, and +staring each of them in the face in succession, “why I've nothing more +to say upon it, so come along, I am anxious for a dance.” The music +just at the moment striking off, a Quadrille was formed, but the younger +sister having declined dancing, Bob, who had no great inclination +to “trip it on the light fantastic toe,” had a good opportunity of +following her example, and during the dance they amused themselves with +observations on the dresses and manners of the company before them, in +the course of which he discovered that Maitland was something of the +fashionable insipid, and not very high in the general estimation of the +Ladies, and the contrast between the easy and graceful movements of the +Hon. Tom Dashall, with those of Maitland braced up in military uniform, +and dancing with the stiffness of a Halbert, afforded them high +amusement, it brought to Tallyho's recollection a French Dancing Master +in the country, who, upon the occasion of his annual Ball, perceiving a +gentleman and lady in person and figure perfectly contrasted, the latter +being short and stout, and the former tall and thin, addressed the +Gentleman in the following complimentary stile, as well as his broken +English would admit, “Ma dear sare--bien obligé--ah! ma goot sare--you +vill do me the honneur to lead off de next dance--you do dance as de +_Poker_, and your Lady she do dance as de _Butter fierke_”--(meaning +a butter firkin.) The allusions were exactly in point, and the company +within hearing, did not suffer the sarcasm to escape unnoticed. How far +the observations were well timed by the dancing master, or well received +by the loving couple, is not our business here to enquire. + +~151~~ Miss Caroline Maitland was about 20 years of age, of a most +prepossessing and engaging form, fond of dress and full of vivacity with +no mean conception of her own wit or captivating powers, her attire +was elegant and shewy, almost approaching to the gaudy, rather than the +selection of refined Taste and Judgment. + +Miss Amelia was about 19 with features calculated to make conquest +certain where the attack was not made on hearts of stone, the simple +modesty of her wardrobe seemed rather to indicate the thoughtful and +contemplative mind, rich in its own resources, and requiring no foil to +render conspicuous its real value, her auburn locks parted in the front, +discovered a fine well arched forehead, from under which darted +glances from her beautiful dark eyes, that when purposely directed for +observation, spoke volumes to the heart. Unadorned by the feathers +which waved in majestic splendor over the temples of her sister as +she threaded through the mazy windings of the dance, she attracted +the attention of the company in a much greater degree than the +dress-delighted Caroline. Her figure was neither well nor ill formed, +but the open and animated expression of her countenance, together with +the graces of her mind, would in the opinion of all judicious thinkers, +have been considered as a compensation for the absence of beautiful +form. Her whole appearance however, was not only pleasing, it was +prepossessing, while her manners and conversation were captivating. Bob +gazed and admired, listened and was charmed. + +The Hon. Tom Dashall was at the same time fully occupied in his +attentions to the other sister, but could not occasionally help a sly +glance at Bob, indicative of the pleasure he derived from seeing his +cousin thus engaged. + +The Quadrille being over, “Come,” said Col. Maitland, “we must go and +have a peep at the Card Tables, and enquire how the cash moves, for you +know if your aunt is losing her money, she will be as cross as the----” + +“Silence Charles,” said his sister, “remember you have no occasion to +make such observations here, why you might almost as well entertain us +with a pedigree of the family, as expose the tempers and dispositions +of your relations; besides I am sure the party alluded to would feel +herself very much offended to hear such conversation in a Ball room. +It is neither a fit time or place;”--and with ~152~~ this, each of +his sisters seizing an arm, led him towards the Card Room, alternately +schooling him as they passed along, and leaving our Heroes to draw their +own conclusions from what had occurred. + +“Thus it is,” said Tom, “that a Commander in the field is obliged to be +an obedient in the Ball Room, he is however a very poor creature at the +best of times, and depends more upon the abilities of others than his +own for the appearance he makes in the world, and is rather to be looked +at than admired and esteemed. Here,” continued he, “I shall have an +opportunity of introducing you to a character of another kind, here is +my friend Dick Distich, a logger of Rhyme, a poet and a contemplative +philosopher, he is recently married, but appears to be without his rib.” + +“My dear friend Dashall,” exclaimed a tall thin man advancing and +catching him by the hand, “I am glad to see you, for I am bewildered and +lost.” + +“Good,” replied Tom, “then I am very glad to have found you, what is +the Reward--are you advertised--are your manuscripts stolen, or is your +Library on Fire? Has the good woman brought forth twins or disappointed +your hopes?” + +“Walk this way,” replied the other, “you are a happy fellow, always +gamesome and gay, but I know you have a fellow feeling for all mankind, +and will pour the balm of pity into a wounded heart.” + +“Zounds,” said Tom, “you attack a body with a mouthful of pity, and a +heart full of wounds at a strange time, for the introduction of such +subjects. What can you mean, probably you appear here as the knight of +'the woeful countenance, with a determination to support the character +to the end of the chapter. Why you look as melancholy as a mute, and one +would almost fancy you were making a funeral visit, instead of attending +a Mask'd + +“I have enough to make me so,” was the reply, “I shall be brief in my +narrative, in order that I may not interfere with your enjoyments, and +you know that mine are of another kind. I am routed from home.”-- + +“How do you mean?” + +“Thus it is then, you know I am a plain man, a quiet man, a civil and +humble man. I hate Balls and Routs, but my wife and I differ in taste. +She has determined ~153~~ on having a Rout at home, and it proves no +misnomer with me, for Heaven knows they rout me from Study to Drawing +Room, from Drawing Room to Chamber, and all because truly my little +woman must have her party.” + +“And why not?” enquired Tom. + +“Why man for this reason, you must know I had myself the sweetest +little sanctuary in the world. I had gothicised my Study, its walls +were painted in imitation of oak, my books were arranged with the +most unauthor-like neatness, my prints hung, my casts and models all +bracketed, and all have vanished like the + + --baseless fabric of a vision.” + +“And is this your misery,” said Tom, “upon my soul I began to think you +had lost your wife; but it seems you have only lost your wits. What the +devil did you expect when you joined issue--to live as you have done +like a hermit in a cell? Well if this is all I do pity you indeed.” + +“But you have not heard half yet. The whole house is transformed.” + +“And I think you ought to be reformed,” continued Tom. + +Notwithstanding the lightness and satire with which our Hero appeared to +treat the subject, poor Distich was not to be stayed in his course. + +“Ah!” said he, with a sigh, “In vain did Cicero strain his neck to +peep over Burke on the Sublime and Beautiful--Shakespeare beard Blair's +Sermons and Humphrey Glinkert or Milton's sightless balls gleam over Sir +Walter Scott's Epics--all, all, is chaos and misrule. Even my greenhouse +over my head which held three ci-devant pots of mignonette, one decayed +mirtle, a soi-disant geranium and other exotics, which are to spring +out afresh in the summer--my shrubs are clapped under my couch, and +my evergreens stuck over the kitchen fire place, are doomed to this +unpropitious hot-bed, in order to make room for pattens, clogs, cloaks, +and shawls, for all the old maids in Town.” + +Tom bit his lip to stifle a laugh, and treading lightly on the toe of +his cousin, had so strongly excited Tallyho's risibility, that it was +with difficulty he resisted the momentary impulse. + +The routed Benedict continued--“Our Drawing Room, ~154~~which +conveniently holds ten persons, is to be the black hole for thirty--My +study, dear beloved retreat, where sonnets have been composed and novels +written--this spot which just holds me and my cat, is to be the scene of +bagatelle, commerce, or any thing else that a parcel of giggling girls +may chuse to act in it,--my statues are converted--Diabolus is made to +hold a spermaceti candle, while the Medicean nymph, my Apollo Belvidere, +and my dancing fawn, being too bulky to move, are adorned with aprons +of green silk, because forsooth Betty says they are vastly undecent with +nothing on them, and my wife is quite certain “that no one will visit +us, unless we do as other people do.” Alas! until the success of my last +poem, we never cared about other people, and I am now absolutely turned +out, to make room for them, and advised to come here to-night in order +to prepare myself for the approaching festivity.” + +Dashall was unable to contain himself longer, and Bob, who had been for +some time stuffing his white cambric handkerchief into his mouth, could +no longer resist the laugh he had been trying to avoid. They look'd +alternately at each other, and then at the doleful complainant, who with +unaltered features sat for a moment between his laughing companions, +till perceiving the ridiculous situation he was in, he rose from his +seat and hastily left the room. + +Our friends then took a further survey of the company without making +any additional remark except upon the view of the various elegant and +tasteful dresses exhibited, the grace and agility of the dancers, and +the brilliance of the decorations, when supper was announced. + +Moving onward to the Supper Room, they again encountered poor Distich, +who although he had no relish for the generality of the amusements, +declared he would not quit till he had supped: after which, Tom +determined if possible to drive away the blue devils, who seemed to +have occupied his brain. For this purpose he listened to his additional +complaints, and filling his glass at every pause, became lively and +agreeable, as the toast was circulated, till the invigorating effects +of the bottle sunk him again, and at length putting him into a hackney +coach, they dispatched him in good order to his Rib; after which they +took their departure towards Piccadilly.~155~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + “I be one of they sailors who think 'tis no lie + That for every wherefore there should be a why, + That by fortune's strange weather a calm or a squall, + Our births, good or bad are chalk'd out for us all: + That the stays and the braces of Life will be found + To be some of 'em rotten, and some of 'em sound. + Thus the good we should cherish, the bad never seek, + For death will too soon bring each anchor apeak.” + +IT was half past eleven o'clock before our friends approaching the +breakfast parlour, had an opportunity of congratulating each other on +the amusements of the previous evening, when the Hon. Tom Dashall ever +upon the active look-out for the most pleasureable amusements to occupy +the mind and attention of his cousin, observing it was a very tine +morning, proposed a ride to Greenwich, and with this object in view all +being prepared, it was not long before they were seated in the curricle. + +“Greenwich,” said Tom, “is not a very long journey, nor do I know, +speaking of the town itself, independent of its surrounding attractions, +particularly to be admired, though it is a neat town, about five miles +from London Bridge, in the county of Kent, with a market on Wednesdays +and Saturdays. It is however, famous for an hospital for decayed Seamen, +the brave defenders of their native soil, who have fought and bled for +their king and country; thought to be the finest structure of the kind +in the world, and for an observatory built by Charles II. on the summit +of a hill, called Flamstead Hill, from the great astronomer of that +name, who was here the first astronomer Royal: and we compute the +longitude from the meridian of this place. It is also a place of great +resort at holiday time, for being so near London. The Lads and Lasses +move off in groups to Greenwich fair, and the amusements at those times +are of so varying a kind as almost to defy description. + + “The hills and dales are lined + With pretty girls all round.” + +~156~~And there are but few who have had an opportunity, but have +occasionally enjoyed a roll down this hill. The roads leading to the +sporting spot are to be seen clogged with coaches, carts, and waggons, +decorated with laurel, and filled with company, singing their way down +or up to participate in the frolics of Greenwich fair. It is however, +much more celebrated for its once having been a Royal Palace, in which +Edward VI. died, and Queen Mary and Queen Elizabeth were born. On a part +of the site of it, now stands the house belonging to the Ranger of the +Park at Greenwich, also a College called the Duke of Norfolk's College, +for the maintenance of 20 decayed Housekeepers, and another called Queen +Elizabeth's, as well as a Royal Naval asylum for the orphans of Sailors +and Marines; and although we are going down when there is no fair to +attract multitudes to the spot, I can still promise you more solid +entertainment in a review of these truly splendid and useful national +establishments, besides which, the town affords plenty of good +accommodation for refreshment and comfort.” + +By this time they had passed Westminster Bridge on their road. Bob +thanked his cousin for the information he had imparted, but as the +objects and subjects directly under his eye generally engrossed his +immediate attention, he could not resist the impulse of the moment, +as they turned the corner of the asylum wall, to remark that he had +witnessed in many instances before, a practice which appeared in and +about London, of chalking the walls, and perceiving in large letters +“Dr. Eady 32 Dean Street Soho,” enquired what was meant by it. + +“That,” replied his cousin, “is one of the most ingenious modes of +advertising, hit upon in the Metropolis, and the Doctor at all events +deserves credit for the industry and perseverance he has manifested +in making his name known. It is not altogether new, for it has been +successfully practiced in popular elections. Men are sent out at night +to chalk the names of Candidates on walls and other places, to keep +their interest alive; but in all probability no one has ever before +carried the system to so great a length as this Doctor Eady, for it +is scarcely possible to travel ten miles round the metropolis without +meeting with his name, which naturally excites enquiry into the object +and pretensions of the chalked up Hero. You will also find in many cases +that the proprietor of the Bonassus has ~157~~lately adopted the same +system. It is a species of puffing which can hardly fail of producing +notoriety, and I have before observed, it matters but little to the +parties themselves by what means this is produced save and except the +avoidance of expence.” + +“It is a curious scheme however,” replied Bob, “and I have two or three +times before intended to enquire its meaning.” + +“There are numerous instances,” returned Tom, “in which the +eccentricities of an individual have blown him into notice, and puff'd +fortune into his pocket. Packwood of Gracechurch street, had many whims +and fancies, and acted upon the idea, that when a man's name is once up, +he may go to bed, or take a nod elsewhere. By making razor strops and +a certain paste for sharpening razors, he pasted his name on public +credulity, and pocketed the proceeds. His advertisements were frequently +laughable, and he caught his customers in their risible moments, wisely +taking care never to laugh himself, 'till he had realized the possibles. +I remember in the year 1807, he published a book, price “Two good Tower +shillings,” containing his advertisements, entitled “Packwood's whim, +Packwoodiana, or the Goldfinches nest, or the way to get money and be +happy.” And to make the publication worth the money, and that there +might be no grumbling, An half crown was according to the title-page, +placed between the leaves.” + +“That was no laughing matter, however,” said Bob, “he could not have got +rich by such means.” + +“You must not trust the title-pages of books,” replied Tom, “no more +than the advertisements of Quacks, or the looks of persons. The half +crown was not visible, or at least not tangible. It proved to be an +anecdote related in the work. He however managed to circulate many +copies, and it is generally understood, gained considerable money by his +pursuits. He has left the benefit of his invention to his daughter, who +now lives in Bride Lane, Fleet Street. But a more prominent character of +recent times was the late celebrated Martin Van Butchell, whose name and +fame are well known to Newspaper readers, and whose personal appearance +at all times, excited in London the attention of the spectators. He was +rather a tall man with a very long beard, and used to ride a short pony +sometimes, spotted all over with a variety of colours.” + +~158~~ “He must have cut a curious figure,” said Bob, “certainly, but +what building have we here?” + +“That,” replied his communicative cousin, “is The New Bethlem for the +care and cure of lunatics. Bethlem was formerly situated on the South +side of Moorfields, but as that building was hastening to decay, this +elegant receptacle for its inmates has been prepared. It is not a little +curious to remark, that it now occupies a part of that ground which was +formerly devoted to mirth and revelry, The Dog and Duck Tea Gardens, +the scene of many a frolic. The structure was designed by Mr. Lewis, and +executed at an expence of £95,000. It is 580 feet in length, and capable +of receiving in this front 200 patients. Another line of building +extending to the South, is designed to admit an equal number, as well as +60 lunatics, the charge of which latter department, exclusively belongs +to Government. The ground around it, occupying twelve acres, is devoted +to the exercise of the patients.” + +They were now dashing along the road towards the Elephant and Castle, +when Bob was attracted by the appearance of the Philanthropic Chapel and +School, which his cousin dismissed in a few words, by observing it was +the school of reform, which he had alluded to, when last in the vicinity +of Blackfriars, and which deserved more attention than he could just +then give it. So touching up the tits in prime twig, they pushed on to +the originally proposed place of destination. + +Having arrived at Greenwich, and partaken of some refreshment, our +heroes proceeded immediately to the Hospital; the magnificent appearance +of which had an evident effect upon Tallyho, as he gazed upon its +exterior, and some of its venerable inhabitants taking their peaceable +walks before it, while others were seated on accommodating benches, +viewing the vessels passing up and down the river. + +“Why,” said Bob, “this Hospital is more like a Palace.” + +“It is,” replied Tom, “a noble monument of National gratitude to its +defenders, who deserve to be protected and assisted when disabled for +service. Here the lame, the wounded, and the aged, are enabled to spin +out the thread of a useful existence, in comfortable retirement. It +was founded by William and Mary for invalid seamen, and many an +old Commodore and gallant hardy Tar is ~159~~ preserved in this +establishment, after being doused from his pins, to puff old sorrow away +and sing, + + “Yet still I am enabled + To bring up in life's rear, + Although I'm quite disabled + And lie in Greenwich tier. + The King, God bless his Majesty, + Who sav'd me from the main, + I'll praise with Love and Loyalty, + But ne'er to sea again.” + +“You perceive,” continued he, “that the costume of the place is a suit +of blue, with proper distinctions of rank and station allotted to each.” + +“But,” inquired Bob, “some of them appear to have their coats turned +inside out; is that according to choice?”--“Not so,” replied Tosi, +“that is a mark of disgrace, by way of punishment, for some errors or +improprieties of which they have been guilty; and there are some, in +spite of misfortune, who cannot forget former times, and occasionally +verify the words of the song-- + + “So in misfortune's school grown tough, + In this same sort of knowledge, + Thinking mayhap I'd had enough, + They sent me here to College. + + And here we tell old tales and smoke, + And laugh while we are drinking; + Sailors, you know, will have their joke, + E'en though the ship were sinking. + + For I while I get grog to drink + My wife, or friend, or King in, + 'Twill be no easy thing, I think, + D---- me to spoil my singing.” + +And although used to severe discipline on board a ship, they do +sometimes forget what they are subject to here, and “slip the cable upon +an ocean of grog,” grow dizzy over the binnacle, unship the rudder, lose +their calculations, and stand too far out to sea to reach the intended +Port; but more of this presently. You perceive this magnificent +structure consists of four grand buildings, completely separated +from each other; yet forming a very entire and most beautiful +plan--especially viewed from the river, which runs in the front of it. +Here the comforts and ~160~~ conveniences of the hardy veterans, who +have faced the enemies of their country in many fearful encounters, are +studied, when they can no longer give the word of command, or answer +it in such active services. The four different buildings you now see, +contain accommodations for bed and board for about 2600 persons of +different ranks and stations; and you may perceive by those you have +before you, that the ranks they have formerly held in his Majesty's +employ are still visible in their outward habiliments.” + +They were now in the centre of the building, approaching the edge of +the Thames, on whose bosom were seen sundry small vessels, gliding in +majestic pride; and perceiving a seat capable of holding four or five +persons, in the corner of which sat an old weather-beaten tar, in +a gold-laced hat and coat, with a wooden leg, who was watching with +apparent delight one of the larger vessels, with all her sails set to +catch the breeze; they took a seat alongside of him. + +“Come,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “we may here at «ase survey the +exertions of such as still retain the power, and contemplate the +comforts of those who no longer have powers to exert.” The Pensioner +remained in mute attention to the moving scene on the river, +occasionally smiling and squirting from his jaws the accumulating +essence of his quid, seeming at the same time to enjoy in retrospection +scenes similar to what he had formerly been engaged in, but without +bestowing one look on our Heroes. “There is a fine fresh breeze down the +river,” continued Tom, addressing the wooden legged warrior; and then a +pause ensued--but no reply. + +“It is a beautiful situation for retirement in old age,” said Bob. “I +should think, Sir,” said he, “that you must be very comfortable under +this protecting roof,” determined, if possible, to elicit something from +the hardy old Pensioner, approaching a little closer to him, and at the +same time to take his attention, respectfully moving his hat. + +Tins address, however, was received with nearly the same effect as the +previous observations, except that the veteran moved his hat in return. +“He is a churlish old blade,” said Tom; thinking by this remark to rouse +and animate the blood of their taciturn companion.--“There seems to be +no intelligence in him. Pray, Sir,” continued he, “may I be so bold as +to inquire, laying his hand upon ~161~~ his knee, what is the name of +that vessel on which you appear to bestow so many anxious looks?” + +Roused by the touch, he darted a hasty look at Tom, and then at Bob, +started hastily from his seat, held up his stick, as they supposed, in +a menacing attitude, then shouldering it, he marched, or rather hobbled, +on his wooden pin some paces from them, and, with an air of commanding +authority, returned in front of them, took off his hat, and began +to describe two lines on the gravel, but which was to them perfectly +unintelligible. + +However, in a few minutes, the arrival of a younger Pensioner, with one +arm and a wooden stump, in breathless haste, informed them that the old +gentleman was deaf and dumb. + +“God bless you, my worthy masters,” said the interpreter, who first +paid his respects to the old Commodore, “you have started my revered +commander on his high ropes; he is as deaf as the top-lights, and as +dumb as a stantion: two and twenty years ago, your Honors, he and I +were both capsized together on board; the shot that took off his leg +splintered my arm, and the doctor kindly took it off for me afterwards.” + +“That was a lamentable day for you,” said Tom. “Why aye, for the matter +of that there, d'ye see, it disabled us from sarvice, but then we both +of us had some consolation, for we have never been separated since: +besides, we were better off than poor Wattie the cook, who had his head +taken off by a chain-shot, and was made food for sharks, while we are +enabled to stump about the world with the use of our remaining limbs, +and that there's a comfort, you know.” + +During this introductory conversation, the old Commodore was intent +upon the work he had began, which, upon inquiry, was a sort of practical +description of the situation in which the ships were placed at the +period when he lost his limb. “He is now pouring in a broadside, and in +imagination enjoying a part of his life over again. It is a sorry sight, +my worthy Sirs, and yet upon the whole it is a cheerful one, to see an +old man live his time over again; now he is physicing them with + +grape-shot--Bang--Bang--like hail--my eyes how she took it--Go it again, +my boys, said the old Commodore--Ditto repeated, as the Doctor used to +say. D----m the Doctor; the words were scarcely out of his mouth, when +down he ~162~~ went; and as I stood alongside him, ready to attend to +his orders, I was very near being sent down the hatchway stairs without +assistance; for the same shot that doused my old master, carried away my +arm just here.--” D----me,” said the old man, to his brave crew, as they +carried us down to the cockpit--“I shall never forget it as long as +I live--That was a pepperer--Once more, my boys, and the day's your +own.--My eyes, he had hardly said the words, before--Bang, bang, went +our bull dogs--and sure enough it was all over. They cried Piccavi, and +went to the Doctor; but after that I know no more about the matter--we +were a long while before we got the better of our wounds; and as for +him, he has never spoken since--and as to hearing, I believe he never +wished to hear any more, than that the enemies of his country had got a +good drubbing.” + +By this time the old gentleman having gone through his manouvres, +with perhaps as much accuracy as my Uncle Toby did the siege of +Dendermond--having blown up the enemy with a flourish of his stick, made +a profound bow, and hobbled away.--“Thank you, my friend,” said the Hon. +Tom Dashall, “for your information; we should never have understood +him without your assistance, for which accept of this, and our best +wishes--giving him a couple of half-crowns, with which, after thanking +the donors, he made the best of his way in search of the old Commodore, +who put our heroes forcibly in mind of the following lines: + + “What a d----d bad time for a seaman to sculk, + Under gingerbread hatches on shore; + What a d----d hard job that this battered old hulk, + Can't be rigg'd out for sea once more.” + +“Thus you see,” said Dashall, “how our habits become rooted in us: the +old Commodore, though unable to give the word of command, or to hear the +thunder of the cannon, still lives in the midst of the battle, becomes +warmed and animated by the imaginary heat of the engagement, and + + “Thrice he routed all his foes, + And thrice he slew the slain.” + +“But come, we will now proceed to a view of the Chapel, the Painted +Hall, and the other curiosities of the ~163~~ interior; which done, we +will take our refreshment at the Crown, and pursue our way home.” + +They now took another cursory survey of this magnificent pile of +buildings, the grandeur and effect of which is scarcely to be imagined; +the beauty and variety being heightened by the grand square, and the +area beyond terminating with a view of the Observatory, which stands on +a hill in Greenwich Park. + +Tallyho was next delighted with a view of the Chapel, which is 111 +feet long, and 52 broad, and capable of conveniently accommodating 1000 +Pensioners, nurses, and boys, exclusive of pews for the Directors, the +several officers of the establishment, &c--The altar-piece, painted by +West, representing The escape of St. Paul from Shipwreck on the Island +of Malta, and the paintings between the cornice and the ceiling of +the Ascension, by the same artist, claimed particular attention. The +splendid decorations of the Great Hall, with its variety of paintings +and statues, were also objects of peculiar admiration, the effect of +which must be seen to be duly appreciated. After these gratifications, +according to the proposal of Dashall, they retired, to the Crown, where +having partaken of à good dinner, and a glass of wine, they returned to +town, fully satisfied with their excursion, and arrived in Piccadilly +without any occurrence worthy of further remark. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + And have you not heard of a jolly young Waterman, + At Blackfriar's Bridge who is used still to ply! + Who feathers his oars with such skill and dexterity. + + Winning each heart, and delighting each eye: + He looks So neat, and he rows so steadily, + The maidens all flock to his boat so readily, + And he eyes the young rogues with so charming an air + That this Waterman ne'er is in want of a fare. + +~164~~ IT was in one of those inviting mornings, mild and temperate, +that Dashall and Tallyho, lounged along Piccadilly, observant of passing +events, and anticipating those of more interest which might occur in +the course of another day devoted to the investigation of Real Life in +London. + +The street already exhibited its usual bustle. The early coaches were +rattling along on their way to their respective inns, loaded with +passengers, inside and out, from the western parts of the country; the +ponderous waggon, the brewer's dray, and not less stunning din of the +lighter and more rapid vehicles, from the splendid chariot to the humble +tax-cart, combined to annoy the auricular organs of the contemplative +perambulator, and together with the incessant discord of the dust-bell, +accompanied by the hoarse stentorian voice of its athletic artist, +induced Squire Tallyho to accelerate his pace, in order to escape, as he +said, “this conspiration of villainous sounds,” more dissonant than that +of his hounds at fault, and followed by his friend Dashall, slackened +not his speed, until he reached the quietude of the new street leading +to the King's Palace, in Pall Mall. + +In Regent Place (at the extremity of this fine street) the two friends +paused in admiration of the noble pile of buildings, which had on this +new interesting spot so rapidly risen, as if by the direction of that +necromantic and nocturnal architect, the Genius of the Wonderful Lamp. + +~165~~ “Until lately, Carlton House, or more properly, now the King's +Palace, was hid from observation, and the Royal view, in front of his +princely mansion, was bounded to the opposite side of the way, the +distance of a few yards only; now the eye enjoys a perspective glance +of a spacious and magnificent street, terminating in a handsome public +edifice, and yet terminating in appearance only, for here the new +improvements sweep shortly to the left, and our attention is attracted +to a superb circus, or quadrant, from whence without further deviation, +Regent Street continues in lengthened magnificence, until it unites +itself in affinity of grandeur with Great Portland Place.” + +Thus far had Dashall proceeded, when the Squire expressed his surprise +that the new street had not been so planned as to lead, in one direct +and uninterrupted line, from Pall Mall to its ultimate termination. + +“Then indeed,” answered his friend, “it would have been one of the +finest streets in the world.” “Here too,” continued the Squire, “is a +manifest deficiency in Regent Place, there is a vacuum, it ought to be +supplied with something, be it what it may, for the eye to rest on.” + +“True, and your idea has been anticipated. One of the most interesting +amongst the antiquities of Egypt, the column known as Cleopatra's +Needle{1} is destined to raise + + 1 CLEOPATRA'S NEEDLE. + + The Court of Common Council + + Fogrum, Botlieram, Gotham, &c. a full meeting. + + Fog. (Laying down a newspaper.) + The City should be told of it.--They say + That Cleopatra's Needle's to be stuck + In front of Carlton House! + + Got. They'll make the square + A pin-cushion. + + Bot. No! worse--a needle-case. + Has my Lord Sidmouth sent no letter yet + To my Lord Mayor!--It should be pasted up. + + Fog. 'Tis said the Deptford Sheer-hulk has been cleared + Of all its vagabonds, to bring it here. + + Hot. This beats Whitechapel hollow. What's its weight? + + Fog. About three hundred tons. + + Bot. All solid steel? + A pond'rous weapon for a lady's handling! + + Fog. No, stone with scratches on't; and here they say + They're making five-mile telescopes to read them! + + But. Zounds! what a strapping hand she must have had! + Who was the sempstress? + + Fog. Sir, a giantess, + + About ten thousand yards--without her shoes, + Her thimble has been guessed, tho' rotten now, + To fill the place they call the Lake of Maris, + By Alexandria!--Nay, the noseless tilings + That sit upon their tails in Russell Street, + Were Cleopatra's pebbles, taws and dolls! + + Bot. Why, what a monstrous thread she must have used! + + Fog. The Chronicle here says--a patent twist + Of elephants' legs, and dromedaries' spines, + And buffaloes' horns! + + Got. What was her favourite work? + + Fog. (Rising majestically) Sir, she sewed pyramids! + + All lift their hands and eyes in silence.--The Council adjourns. + +~166~~ its lofty summit in Regent Place, and the western will shortly +outrival the eastern wonder of the metropolis.{1} + + 1 The Monument. + + “Where London's column pointing to the skies, + Like a tall bull! lifts its head and lies.” + +“By the bye, let us once more extend our excursion to the Monument, the +day is delightful, and the atmosphere unclouded. We will approximate the +skies, and take a bird's-eye view of the metropolis.” In conformity +with this suggestion the Squire submitted himself to the guidance of +his friend, and an aquatic trip being agreed on, they directed their +progress to Spring Garden Gate, and thence across the Park, towards +Westminster Bridge. + +“A boat, a boat, your honour,” vociferated several clamorous watermen, +all in a breath; of whose invitation Dashall took not any notice; “I +hate importunity,” he observed to his friend. Passing towards the stairs +he was silently but respectfully saluted by a modest looking young man, +without the obtrusive offer of service.--“Trim your boat, my lad,” + this was the business of a moment; “now pull away and land us at the +Shades--'of Elysium,'” said the Squire, terminating the instructions +rather abruptly, of the amphibious conveyancer. “I am rather at a loss +to know,” said the waterman, “where that place is, but if your honors +incline to the Shades at London Bridge, I'll row you there in the +twirling of a mop-stick.” “The very spot,” said Dashall, and the +waterman doffing his jacket, and encouraged to freedom by the familiar +manner of the two strangers, ~167~~ plied his oars lustily, humming, in +cadence, the old song: + + “I was, d'ye see a waterman, + As tight and blythe as any, + 'Twixt Chelsea town and Horsley-down, + I gain'd an honest penny.” + +They now glided pleasantly on the serene bosom of the Thames, and +enjoyed, in mute admiration, the beauties of a variegated prospect, +which, if equalled, is at least not excelled by any other in the +universe. On either side of this noble river, a dense mass of buildings +presented itself to the eye, and as the buoyant vehicle proceeded, +the interest of the varying scene increased in progressive proportion. +Thousands of barges skirted the margin of the lordly stream, and seemed +like dependant vassals, whose creation and existence were derived from +and sustained by the fiat of old father Thames; and imagination might +well pourtray the figure of the venerable parent of this magnificent +stream regulating its rippling wave, and riding, in the triumph of regal +sway, over his spacious domains. The grandeur of the public edifices +on the left, the numerous indications of art on the right, the active +industry on both sides, and the fairy-like boats of pleasurable +conveyance gliding to and fro', and shooting, in the distance, through +one or other of the lofty arches of Waterloo Bridge, produced an effect +imposingly grand, and was dwelt upon by our hero of Belville Hall, +particularly with mingled sensations of surprise, admiration, and +delight. + +Silence had prevailed for some time, with the exception of the waterman, +who now and then carroll'd a stanza responsive to the stroke of the oar, +when the attention of his fare was drawn towards him. + +“You seem to enjoy a merry life, my good friend,” said the Squire. + +“Ay, ay, your honour, God bless you, why should not I? At my poor home, +and your honour knows that the cottage of the peasant is equally dear to +him as is the Palace to the Prince, there is my old woman, with her five +little ones, all looking forward to the happiness of seeing me in the +evening, after the labours of the day; and to feel that one is cared +for by somebody, is a sweet consolation, amidst all our toils,--besides, +your honour, the old times are partly come round again; half-a-crown +will go farther, aye, thrice-told, now, than it did a few ~168~~years +ago;--then hang sorrow, I am a contented waterman, your honour; so +d----n the Pope, long life to King George the Fourth, and success to +the land that we live in!” “Here,” said Dashall, “is an heterogeneous +mixture of prejudice, simplicity and good nature.” + +“You are but a young man, and cannot long have followed your present +profession.--Is it from choice that you continue it.” + +“Why, your honour, I served an apprenticeship to it, am not long out +of my time, and continue it as well from choice as necessity; the first +because I like it, and lastly, as our parson says, because in any other +situation I could serve neither my neighbour nor myself.” + +By this time the tiny bark had shot the centre arch of Waterloo; and new +scenes of interest presented themselves, in ever-varying succession, as +they proceeded towards Blackfriars. Somerset House wore, particularly, +an aspect of great and imposing effect, and not less, as they ploughed +the liquid element, was the interest excited, and the reminiscence +of the Squire brought into action by the appearance of the Temple +Gardens.--The simple, yet neatly laid out green-sward, reminded him of +the verdant slope on part of his domains at Belville Hall, but here the +resemblance finished; a diminutive, although pure and limpid rivulet +only, passed the slope alluded to, and here was a world of waters, into +which the influx of ten thousand such rivulets would produce no apparent +increase. Amidst these cogitations by the Squire, and others of an +unknown description by Dashall, the boat passed underneath Blackfriars' +Bridge, and the lofty doom of St. Paul burst upon the view of the two +associates, with gigantic majesty, and withdrew from their minds every +impression save that of the towering object in view, superseding the +consideration of all else, either present or retrospective. + +“Rest on your oars,” was the order now given by the two friends, and +while the waterman implicitly obeyed the mandate, they gazed with +enthusiasm, on the stupendous edifice, seen perhaps, to better advantage +from the river than from any other station, and felt proud in +their affinity to a country and countryman, capable, the former of +instituting, and the latter of carrying into effect so august an +undertaking.{1} + + 1 During the building of St. Paul's Church, a country + carpenter applied to the Overseer of the workmen for + employment as a carver. The Overseer smiling at the man's + temerity, hearing he had never worked in London, it was + observed by Sir Christopher Wren, who was present, who + calling the man to him, asked him what he had chiefly worked + at in the country? “Pig-troughs, &c.” was his answer. “Well + then,” says Sir Christopher, “let us see a specimen of your + workmanship in a sow and pigs.” The man returned in a few + days, having performed his part with such exquisite skill, + that he was immediately employed; and in tine, executed some + of the most difficult parts of the Cathedral, to the great + astonishment of all that knew the circumstance. So true it + is that genius is often lost in obscurity. + +169~~ Again proceeding on their way, they arrived in a few minutes, at +another amongst the many in the metropolis, of those surprising works +of public utility which reflect the highest honor on the laudable +enterprize of the present times,--the Iron Bridge, known as Southwark +Bridge, leading from the bottom of Queen Street, Cheapside to +the Borough. It is constructed of cast-iron, and, from the river +particularly, presents an appearance of elegance and magnificence; +consisting of three arches only, the spacious span of each, stretching +across the Thames in towering majesty, affords an aquatic vista equally +novel and interesting. + +Gliding on the pacific wave, the “trim-built wherry” now passed under +the lofty elevation of the centre arch; and our observers were struck +with the contrast between the object of their admiration and its ancient +neighbour, London Bridge, that “nameless, shapeless bulk of stone and +lime,” with its irregular narrow arches, through which the pent-up +stream rushes with such dangerous velocity. + +“This gothic hulk,” said the Squire, “is a deformity in the aspect of +the river.” “And ought at least to be pulled down, if not rebuilt,” + added his Cousin. “Even on the principle of economy, the large and +incessant expenditure in support of this decayed structure, would +be much more profitably applied in the erection of a new bridge of +correspondent grandeur with the first metropolis in the universe; but +the citizens seem inclined to protract the existence of this heavy +fabric, as a memento of the bad taste of their progenitors.” + + “Full many a gem of purest ray serene, + The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; + Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, + And waste its sweetness in the desert air.' + +~170~~ The indefatigable waterman continued to ply his oars, sans +intermission, and in a few minutes our two associates in adventure +were safely landed a short distance westward of the bridge. After +remunerating the waterman, they ascended the stairs with an appetite +quickened by the water breeze, and retired into the Shades, close at +hand, for refreshment, previous to a renewal of their excursion. + +The Shades, near London Bridge, is a house, or rather cellar, much +resorted to by respectable citizens of “sober fame,” induced chiefly by +the powerful attraction of genuine wines, which may here be had either +drawn immediately from the wood, and served in regular standard pewter +measures, or in bottles, also of full measure, containing the pure +beverage, of various age and vintages. To these cellars numbers of +the most respectable mercantile characters adjourn daily; enjoying +the exhilarating juice of the grape, and further attracted by the +pleasantness of situation, as commanding a full view of the river, +whence the refreshing breeze is inhaled and enjoyed. + +Here then, our heroes recruited; and while taking their wine, Bob was +much gratified by the performance of an itinerant band of musicians, +playing outside, some of the latest and most popular airs, in a masterly +style of execution. “Among other numerous refinements and improvements +of the age,” observed Dashall, “may be considered that of our itinerant +metropolitan musicians, for instead of the vile, discordant and grating +hurdy-gurdy; the mechanical organ grinder, and the cat-gut scraper, +“sawing a tune,” we have now parties who form themselves into small +bands of really scientific and able performers, who from instruments +well selected produce a combination of delightful melody; and this +progress of harmony is equally evident with respect to vocalists, who +frequently posting themselves opposite some well frequented tavern or +coffee-house, amuse the inmates with catches, glees, duets, &c. and +trust to the liberal feelings which the “concord of sweet sounds may +have inspired, for remuneration and encouragement.” + +Scarcely had Dashall concluded his remarks, when the musical +party ceased their instrumental exertions, and, diversifying the +entertainment, one of the performers struck up a song, which we here +present to the reader as a subject not inapplicable to our work.~171~~ + + In London where comical jokes go free, + There are comical modes of cheating, + Birch-brooms are cut up for Souchong and Bohea, + And plaster for bread you are eating! + And plaster for bread you are eating! + + (Spoken) “How do you do, Mrs. Caphusalent I hope you + approved of the genuine tea.” “O yes, new brooms sweep + clean, and I have no occasion to buy birch ones, while I + deal at your shop for tea.” “There's nothing like my cheap + bread,” says Doughy the baker. “O yes,” says Neddy, “you + forget plaster of Paris is very like it.” + + What are you at? each knave may cry, + Who feels my honest rhymes; + What are you after's? my reply,-- + There never were such times! + There never were such times! + + In Accum's test you'll find it clear, + For spirits of wine read Royal gin! + Quashee and drugs they call strong beer, + And Turtle soup is Ox's shin! + And Turtle soup is Ox's shin! + + (Spoken) “By the powers of Moll Kelly, Mr. Max, but you've + murdered my dear friend Patrick O'Shaughnessy, for after + taking a noggin of your blue ruin, he went to blow out the + candle on stepping into bed, when the poor dear creature + went off in a blaze, and set fire to the house. Its all + nothing at all but spirits of wine, you bog-trotting + swindler!” + + Moist sugar is made from the best red sand, + New milk from whiting and water! + Sloe juice poisons half the land, + And the weights get shorter and shorter! + And the weights get shorter and shorter! + + (Spoken) “I hope,” says Mr. Deputy Doublethroat, “you found + the port I sent you last of the right sort: six years in + bottle, Sir, I warrant it made your heart glad.” “You mean + my bowels sad, Mr. Deputy. Out of six friends whom I invited + to partake of it four have already been booked inside + passengers for the other world, and my dear Mrs. Fribble and + me have been confined with inflammation ever since. Instead + of importer of foreign wines, Mr. Deputy, I'd have you write + up retailer of English poisons.” {1} + + 1 The following receipt is copied from a book, which is + there said to be worth the price of the volume. “What is + drank as port wine, is very often only a mixture of malt + liquors, red wine, and turnip juice. For the benefit of + economical readers, the following are the proportions: forty- + eight gallons of liquor pressed from turnips, eight gallons + of malt spirits, and eight gallons of good port wine, + coloured with cochineal, and roughened with elder tops. It + should stand two years in casks, and one in bottles. If + rough cider is substituted for turnip juice, and Coniac + brandy for malt spirits, the wine will be the better.” + + Turkey-coffee is Horse-beans ground, + Irish eggs are boil'd in lime: + In every trade deception's found, + Except it be in yours or mine! + Except it be in yours or mine! + + (Spoken) “There's more milk drank in London in a week than + all the Cows in England could give in a fortnight;” says + Blunderskull. “How can that be?” “Why to be sure, because + two-thirds of it is white-wash!” + + What are you at? each knave may cry, + Who feels my honest rhymes: + What are you after's? my reply,-- + There never were such times! + There never were such times! + +It was but a few steps from the Shades to the Monument, to which our +adventurers were now pursuing their way, when they met with an incident +not unworthy of observation. Do not leave your goods, is the friendly +admonition generally inscribed, in large characters, over the resting +place for porters, throughout the metropolis. Opposite the church of +Saint Magnus, close by London Bridge, a porter having pitched his +load, turned his back upon it, and reclined himself against the post in +careless ease, and security. It was just as our heroes approached, that +the porter had turned himself round to resume his burden, when lo! it +had vanished; in what manner no one can tell! without doubt, one of +those numerous street-prowlers who are continually on the look out for +prey, observing the remissness of the porter, had availed himself of the +favourable opportunity, and quietly walked off with his booty. A crowd +collected round the sufferer, but it afforded him neither sympathy nor +relief. Our associates, however, contributed in mitigation of his loss, +and proceeding up Fish-street Hill, were, in a few moments, shrouded +under the towering column of the Monument. + +Ascending the spiral stair-case of black marble, consisting of three +hundred and forty-five steps, winding like a cork-screw, to the summit, +our aspirants reached their aerial station in the gallery of this lofty +edifice, and enjoyed one of the most variegated and extensively ~173~~ +interesting prospects of any in the metropolis. Far as the eye could +reach, skirting itself down the river, a forest of tall masts appeared, +and the colours of all nations, waving gaily in the breeze, gave a +splendid idea of the opulence and industry of the first commercial city +in the universe. The moving panorama, far beneath the giddy height, +resembled the flitting figures of a _camera obscura_; the spacious +Thames was reduced to a brook; the stately vessels riding on its +undulating wave seemed the dwarfish boats of the school-boy navigator; +and glancing on the streets and along London Bridge, horses dwindled +in appearance to mice, and carriages to children's toys! after having +enjoyed, during several minutes, the prospects afforded by their +elevated position, the two friends descended, and with a feeling of +relief again trod the safer and less difficult path of _terra firma_. + +Our observers now turned their direction westward, and passed into +Lombard Street, chiefly formed of banking-houses and other public +edifices. “This street,” said Dashall, “is noted as the focus of wealth, +the point of convergence of civic riches, and its respectable bankers +are not more dignified by the possession of superabundant property +than enhanced in the estimation of their fellow-citizens by strictly +conscientious honour and integrity. + +“And of these not the least important in self-consequence is the jolly +civic Baronet,” continued Dashall, “who has already come more than once +within the scope of our observation.” + +“Ecce homo! behold the man!” responded the Squire, and the Baronet +was descried rolling his ponderous form from the opposite alley to his +banking-house. + +“It is rather unfortunate,” observed Dashall, “that nature has not kept +pace with fortune, in liberality to the Baronet. Profuse in giving him +a colossal magnitude of person, he exhibits a most disproportionable +endowment of intellect. Unlike his great prototype Sir John, in one +sense, but yet resembling him in another, 'He is not witty himself, but +he occasions wit in others.'” + +“You are very fond of making a butt of me,” observed the Baronet to a +brother Alderman.--“By no means,” rejoined the latter, “I never was fond +of an empty butt in my life.” “Is the worthy Baronet inclined at times, +(asked the Squire) in his capacity of M.P. to irradiate the gloom of St. +Stephens?” + +~174~~ “O yes, frequently, particularly so when in the plenitude of his +wisdom he conceives that he can enlighten the house with a modicum of +information. The last time I heard him hold forth was as an apologist +for the tumultuary loyalists at the Mansion House Meeting, when he +delivered himself in a manner so heterogeneal of commonsense, and +so completely in a style of egotism, as to excite the ridicule and +risibility of the whole house, and discompose the gravity of even the +speaker himself.”{1} + + 1 The following is a strictly literal versification of the Speech + alluded to: + + THE MANSION-HOUSE ROW, AND APOLOGY FOR + THE LOYALISTS. + + Being a literal versification of the eloquent Speech of Sir + W--ll--m C--RT--s, Baronet, in the House of Commons, Friday, + February 2, on the presentation, by Mr. John Smith, of the + Petition of the Merchants of London. + + I rise, Mr. Speaker, indulgence entreating + A Speech while I make on the Mansion-house Meeting. + The prior Requisition was certainly signed + By men of good substance, with pockets well lin'd! + With such I am ever good humour'd and civil, + But worth, without wealth, I would pitch to the devil'. + The Lord Mayor, I think, then, assum'd a position + Of duty, in yielding to said Requisition; + For may my oration be given to scorn, + If ever I saw, from the day I was born, + A list of more honoured, more propertied men, + And probably never may see such again. + + Now high as I prize both the merits and station, + Of loyalists signing the first declaration; + Permit me to say, it was too mild by half, + Too much milk and water--Some Members may laugh-- + I care not;--I say that it did not inherit + The tythe of a loyal and time serving spirit. + I'm charged too with signing it, nevertheless, + I DID,--for I knew not how else to express + My zeal, in supporting, with firm resolution, + The Crown,--and Old England's decay'd Constitution! + Who they are, Constitution and Crown that sustain, + The people should now,--else we labour in vain! + And, therefore, I sign'd the fore-named declaration. + Altho' such a weak milk and water potation! + For why should the loyalists smother their cause, + And lose the high gain,--ministerial applause. + 'Pon honour,--aye, even in detractions despite-- + In corners and holes, Sir, I take no delight; + And, never on any pursuit do I go, + Of which 1 don't want the Almighty to know! + I signed, Sir, the loyal, luke-warm declaration, + To bring to its senses a turbulent nation! + To cheer up His Majesty,--win his good graces, + And keep his lov'd Ministers still in their places! + The hon'rable member, my friend, who spoke last, + Is not quite correct in detailing what pass'd + At the Mansion-house Meeting; for patiently heard + He was, until symptoms of riot appear'd. + At last it broke out, with a vengeance 'tis true, + And dire was the fracas! but what could we do, + Where adverse opinion so warmly prevail'd, + And each with revilings his neighbour assail'd? + Why, Sir, to this house, I could prove in a minute, + That greater majorities out than now in it, + Of sound thinking persons, in these fair dominions, + Are scouting the hon'rable member's opinions. + + Well-bred, Sir, believe me, and good-looking people, + Were wedg'd in the Mansion-house quite of a heap all; + Whilst I, most politely, besought their attention, + But no,--not a word was I suffer'd to mention! + A party oppos'd me, altho' no long speeches + I make,--(a kind lesson that prudence still teaches;) + And waiting a hearing an hour, perhaps longer, + The dissonant clamour grew fiercer and stronger! + In fact, when I open'd my mouth, the commotion + Exceeded in fury the storms of the ocean! + Some hale stout young men, who had mix'd with the throng, + And press'd, the conflicting addressers among, + Escap'd from the Meeting in tumult and smother, + And swore that they never would visit another! + + I well recollect, in the year ninety-three, + A similar fracas I happen'd to see; + The place, Grocers' Hall, where contention was wrought, + So high, that a stout battle-royal was fought! + Indeed, save one Meeting, I ne'er knew a case, + Where wrangling and fighting had not taken place! + In that one, so happen'd, good luck to betide, + Its fortunate members--were all on one side! + Reverting again to the Mansion-house Row, + When next our staunch loyalists mean to avow + Their zeal,----may they issue a strong declaration, + Then mix'd with a water and milk preparation! + The gout in my toe, for I wore a great shoe, + At last sent me home, without bidding adieu. + + And now having said, Mr. Speaker, thus much + I hope on this house the impression is such, + The loyalists fully to clear, and their leader + From charge, at that Meeting, of boisterous proceedure. + + The Honourable Baronet now sat down, amid the ironical cheers, + of the Treasury, and the tumultuous laughter of the whole house. + +~175~~ The two partners in adventure had now reached the Mansion House. +The Justice Room was open, and the friends ascended the stairs in order +to witness the equitable dispensation of right by the Civic Sovereign. + +The case now under investigation was a curious one, and excited the +interest and amusement of a numerous auditory. + +The itinerant exhibitor of a dancing bear, complained that the person +(proprietor of a small menage) now summoned into the presence of his +lordship, illegally withheld from him a monkey, his property, and the +ci-devant associate of the ursine dancer aforesaid. + +On the other hand, the master of the menage roundly asserted that he was +the rightful proprietor of the monkey, and had been in possession of the +animal for several years. + +“My lord,” said the master of the bear, “let the monkey be produced, and +I will abide by his choice between this man and me as his master.” This +proposition appearing reasonable, and pug having been brought forward as +evidence, before giving his testimony made a respectful obeisance to the +Chief Magistrate, and so far as chattering and grinning were indicative +of his good intentions, seemed desirous of expressing his courtesy to +the auditory in general. After having stared about him for some time, +with an inquisitive eye, and corresponding gesticulation, he discerned +the bear-master, and springing into his arms with all the eagerness of +affectionate recognition, expressed the utmost joy at the unexpected +meeting, and when the other claimant attempted to approach, he repulsed +him in the most furious manner, and clung to the friend of his election +with renewed pertinacity. + +Under these circumstances, the monkey was adjudged to the bear-master +as his proper owner, and pug and his friend left the Justice Room, with +mutual exchange of endearments. + +Nothing else meriting notice, occurred to the two strangers in this +their new scene of observation. The Civic Sovereign having resigned the +chair to one of the Aldermen, in order that he might attend the Sessions +at the Old Bailey, Dashall and the Squire, at the same time, retired +with the intention (the day now waning apace) of making the best of +their way home, which they reached without further adventure.~177~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + The charge is prepar'd, the lawyers are met, + The judges all rang'd, a terrible show! + I go undismay'd, for death is a debt, + A debt on demand,--so take what I owe. + + Since laws were made for every degree, + To curb vice in others as well as in me; + I wonder we ha'n't better company + Upon Tyburn tree! + + But gold from law can take out the sting, + And if rich men like us were to swing + 'Twould thin the land such numbers would string + Upon Tyburn tree! + +PURPOSING to spend an hour in the Sessions House at the Old Bailey, +our adventurers started next morning betimes, and reaching their +destination, took their seats in the gallery, for which accommodation +they were charged one shilling each, which the Squire denominated an +imposition, inquiring of his friend by what authority it was exacted, +and to whose benefit applied, as from the frequent sittings of the +Court, and general crouded state of the gallery, the perquisites must be +considerable. + +“Custom in every thing bears sovereign sway,” answered Dashall. “I know +not whence this is derived, nor whose pockets are lined by the produce; +but you will probably be surprised to learn, that a shilling admission +is only demanded on common occasions, and that on trials of great public +interest, from one to two guineas has been paid by every individual +obtaining admission.” + +The arrival of the Judges now terminated this colloquy. The Lord Mayor +and several Aldermen were in waiting to receive them, and these sage +expounders of the law were conducted to the Bench by the Sheriffs of +London and Middlesex. The Chief Magistrate of the City uniformly and of +right presiding at this Court, his Lordship ~178~~ took his seat on +the same Bench with the Judges, and the usual forms having been gone +through, the dispensation of justice commenced. + +Several prisoners were tried and convicted of capital felony, during the +short space of time that our associated observers remained in Court; +but the cases of these wretched men, and the consciousness of their +impending fate, seemed in no respect to operate upon their minds, as +they left the bar apparently with perfect indifference. + +An unfortunate man was next brought forward, and accused of having +stolen from an auction room a couple of wine glasses. He was of +respectable demeanor, and evidently had seen better days. When asked +what he had to allege in his defence, the victim of misery preluding +his story with a torrent of tears, told the following piteous tale of +distress: + +He had been in business, and sustained an unimpeachable integrity of +character for many years. Independence seemed within his reach, when +misfortune, equally unforeseen as inevitable, at all points assailed +him! In the course of one disastrous year, death deprived him of his +family, and adversity of his property. He had unsuccessfully speculated, +and the insolvency of several who were considerably indebted to him, had +completed his ruin! At the time he committed the act for which he stood +convicted at that bar, he had not tasted food for three days, neither +had he in the world a friend or relative to whom he could apply for +relief. The Jury found him Guilty, but strongly recommended him to +mercy. The Judge humanely observed, that the least possible punishment +should be inflicted on the prisoner. He was then sentenced to a fine +of one shilling, and to be discharged. A sum of money, the spontaneous +bounty of the spectators, was immediately collected for him, while one +of the Jury promised him employment, on his calling at his house on +the following day. The gratitude of the poor man was inexpressible: +the sudden transition from the abyss of despair to the zenith of hope, +seemed to overwhelm his faculties. He ejaculated a blessing on his +benefactors, and departed. + +~179~~ Dashall and his friend were much affected by this incident. +Another, however, presently occurred, of a more lively description. +In the course of the next trial, the counsellor, on cross-examining +a witness, found occasion to address him with, “Well, my old buck, +I suppose you are one of those people who do not often go to +church?”--“Perhaps,” said the other, “if the truth were known, I am as +often there as you are.” The promptness of the reply produced a laugh, +in which the witness very cordially joined. “What makes you laugh?” said +the lawyer. “Is not every body laughing?” replied the other. “True,” + said the man of law; “but do you know what they are laughing at?”--“Why, +I think in my heart,” rejoined the fellow, “that they take either me or +you to be a fool, but I do not know which!” + +The Judge at this repartee could not retain his gravity; a tumult of +mirth pervaded the whole Court, and the discomfited counsellor adjusted +his wig and sat down. + +During the few minutes longer that our heroes remained, nothing of +interest occurring, they withdrew; and passing down the Old Bailey to +Ludgate Street, and from thence towards the Temple, they crossed Fleet +Street, and taking the direction of Shire Lane, were induced, by way of +investigating Real Life in its lowest classification, to enter one of +those too frequent receptacles of vice denominated Coffee Shops. + +This was a house of notorious irregularity, the occupant of which had +more than once experienced the visitation of the law for his utter +contempt of social order--and from the present appearance of his guests, +it did not seem that legal interference had effected moral amendment. + +As our two friends entered this Augean Stable, a whisper of surprise, +mingled with dismay, went round the motley assemblage of female +street-drabs, cracksmen,{1} and fogle-hunters; and a wary glance of +suspicion darted from the group “many a time and oft” on the new-comers, +who notwithstanding kept possession of their seats, and ordering without +apparent notice of the party a cup of coffee, apprehension subsided into +security, the re-assured inmates resumed their interrupted hilarity, and +our adventurers were thus afforded the means of leisurable observation. + + 1 Cracksmen (Burglars), Fogle-hunters (Pickpockets). + +~180~~ The Squire, who had not perused the annals of blackguardism, and +consequently was not an adept in the knowledge of the slang or vulgar +tongue, was under the frequent necessity of applying to his friend for +explanation of the obscure phraseology of those ladies and gentlemen of +the pad, which Dashall contrived to occasionally interpret without the +assistance or notice of its multitudinous learned professors. + +The desire of witnessing the exhibition of Real Life in its lowest +state of human degradation, induced a prolongation of stay by our two +associates. In the meanwhile, “the mirth and fun grew fast and furious,” + exemplified by dance, song, and revelry, interspersed with practical +jokes, recriminative abuse, and consequent pugilistic exercise, where +science and strength alternately prevailed; and in deficiency of other +missiles, poker, tongs, coffee-cups, saucers, and plates, were brought +into active requisition.--The scene was a striking illustration of +“Confusion worse confounded.” Luckily our two observers were in a +situation without the reach of injury; they therefore “smiled at the +tumult and enjoyed the storm.” + +The landlord now interfered in defence of his fragile property. +Preliminaries of peace were agreed on, through his high mediation, and +finally ratified betwixt the contending parties, ending as they began, +like many other conflicting powers, _statu quo ante bellum_! + +“And now to serious business we'll advance, says one of the King's of +Brentford. + +“But first let's have a dance.” + +The present party followed exactly Mr. Baye's proposition; the dance and +the row over, they now proceeded to serious business. + +Seated in various groups, each engaged itself in conversation, which, +from its almost inaudible expression, was singularly contrasted with the +recent tumultuous uproar. + +The next box where sat our two friends, was occupied by cracksmen and +fogle-hunters, one of whom, whose superior skill gave him an ascendancy +over his associates, had delineated on the table the plan of certain +premises, and having given in a very low tone of voice, a verbal +illustration to his fellow-labourers, with what intention it is not +difficult to conjecture, observed, “We may as well _pad_ (walk) it, as +_Sir Oliver_ (the moon) is not out to night.” + +~181~~ The party to whom this remark was addressed, prepared to pad it +accordingly,--when the desired egress was opposed by the entrance of +three men, who unbuttoning their great coats, exhibited, each a hanger +and brace of pistols, and took the whole community, male and female, +into safe custody + +This was a _coup-de-main_ on the part of the captors, and sustained with +the most perfect _sang froid_ by the captured. + +The officers next turned their attention to Dashall and Tallyho, who +giving their cards, and candidly explaining the motives which led them +into the temporary society of the prisoners, they were treated with +becoming respect, the officers with their captives proceeding on +their route to Bow Street, and our heros to the occurrence of future +adventure. + +Tallyho congratulated himself on his escape from expected mortification +and inconvenience, but Dashall, whose more active and enterprizing mind +was not to be checked by trifles, enjoyed the vague apprehensions of his +friend, and by way of making amends for the penance they had inflicted +on themselves in Shire Lane, agreed to dine and finish the evening at a +Tavern in Covent Garden. + +Thither, then, as they pursued their course, the Squire expressed his +surprise that a final stop was not put to scenes such as they had just +witnessed, and all such places of nefarious rendezvous, abolished by the +vigilance of the police. + +“On the contrary,” observed Dashall, “it is the interest of the +police, not utterly to destroy these receptacles of vice. They are +the toleration haunts of profligacy, where the officers of justice +are generally assured of meeting the objects of their inquiry, and +therefore, under proper restrictions, and an occasional clearance, +the continuance of a minor evil is productive of public benefit, by +arresting the progress of infamy, and preventing the extension of +crime.” + +Passing along the Strand, the humane feelings of the Squire were excited +by apparently a mutilated veteran seaman, who in a piteous tone of +voice, supplicated his charitable consideration. The applicant stated, +that he had lost an arm and an eye, and was deprived the use of a leg, +in the service of his country, without friend or home, and entirely +destitute of the means of subsistence, that he had no other resource +than that of a humble reliance on public benevolence. The Squire with +his usual philanthropic promptitude drew out his purse, but his ~182~~ +friend intercepted the boon, and inquired of the seaman under whom, in +what ship, and in what action he had sustained his misfortunes. To these +questions a satisfactory answer was given, and the claim of the man to +compassion and relief was about to be admitted, when another inquiry +occurred, “are you a pensioner?” + +A pause ensued: in the interim the mendicant seeing a person approach, +of whose recognition he was not at all ambitious, dropped in a moment +his timber toe, unslung his arm, dashed a patch from his eye, and set +off with the speed of a race-horse. + +During the amazement of our two observers of Real Life, excited by this +sudden and unexpected transformation, the officer, for such was the +quondam acquaintance of the imposter, introduced himself to their +notice. “Gentlemen,” said he, “you are not up to the tricks of London, +that fellow on whom you were about to bestow your charity, and who has +just now exhibited his agility, is one of the greatest imposters in +London;--however, I shall not run him down at present.--I know his +haunts, and reckon sure of my game in the evening.” + +“I confess,” replied Dashall, “that in the present instance I have +been egregiously deceived;--I certainly am not up to all the tricks of +London, although neither a Johnny Raw nor a green-horn; and yet I would +not wish to prove callous to the claim of distress, even if sometimes +unguardedly bestowing the mite of benevolence on an undeserving object.” + +“The Society for the Suppression of Mendicity in the Metropolis,” said +the Officer, “think differently, they recommend that no relief should be +given to street-beggars.” + +“Then,” said Dashall, offended by the officer's interference,--“I envy +them not the possession of their feelings,” and the two friends renewed +their walk. + +Proceeding, without further interruption, our pedestrians, were induced +to intermingle with a crowd which had collected round a man who wore +a most patriarchal redundancy of beard, and had been recognized by an +acquaintance as a shoe-maker of the name of Cooke, a disciple of the +American Prophet, John Decker. + +~183~~ Their high mightinesses the mobility were mischievously inclined, +and would certainly have grossly insulted, if not injured the +poor devotee, had not Dashall and his friend taken him under their +protection.{1} He had been quietly making his way through Covent Garden +Market, when the greetings and surprise of his friend at his strange +transformation, attracted the curiosity of the multitude, and his +unhesitating declaration, that he meant to accompany the great Prophet +to Jerusalem, excited derision and indignation against the unfortunate +enthusiast, when luckily our two heros interposed their good offices and +conducted the proselyte in safety to the Shakespeare Tavern. + + + 1 On Monday, in consequence of a very great uproar on Sunday + night, in Worcester Street, Southwark, about the house of + the American Prophet, John Decker, that singular person was + brought before the Magistrates of this office, the + inhabitants of the neighbourhood having attributed the + disturbance to the unfortunate fanaticism of the prophet and + his followers. + + The constables stated, that on Sunday night, at half-past + eight o'clock, they saw a mob, consisting of about three + hundred people, collected at the door of the house, and + heard the cries of “murder” issue from within. The officers + on going up stairs, found the Prophet lying on his back. + Some persons who had been abusing him escaped, and the + Prophet said the cause of their violence was, that he had + refused to get out of his bed to preach. He was conveyed to + the watch-house. The witnesses informed the Magistrate, that + the Prophet had made some proselytes, who were actually + about to leave the country with him, and accompany him upon + an expedition to the Holy Land. The parish officers were + naturally alarmed at the inconveniences to which such an + emigration would expose them, and hoped that every thing the + arm of the law could do would be done to prevent it. The + fanatic spirit of some of the followers of the Prophet may + be guessed at from the following facts:-- + + The officers who apprehended him, had, two or three times, + in the course of Sunday evening, gone to the house in + Worcester Street, and dispersed a large congregation that + had assembled in the room appropriated to preaching. The + Prophet preached first, and was succeeded by one of his most + zealous followers, who was followed by another. This was + constantly the practice, and during the service, which was + being listened to with rapture, upwards of a dozen of the + congregation seemed to be as violently engaged as the + Prophet himself, whose sincerity is well known. One man, a + shoe-maker, named Cooke, has actually sold off his stock and + furniture, which were worth £300.; and if he were not known + to be the greatest admirer of the Prophet might be called + his rival, for he has allowed his beard to grow to an + immense length, and goes about preaching and making + converts. He has a little son, who looks half-starved, and + is denied all animal food by the Prophet and his father, + upon the principle of Pythagoras--that he might not be + guilty of eating a piece of his own grand-mother. Another + trades-man, who was most industrious, and attached to his + wife and seven children, proposes to leave them all, and go + to Jerusalem. His beard is also becoming indicative of his + intention, and he sleeps, as the others who are struck by + the Prophet do--with his clothes on. None of the sixteen + families who reside in the house in which the Prophet lives, + have, however, caught the infection, and the land-lady + complained most severely of the annoyance to which she was + subject. + + Mr. Chambers said he expected to have heard that the Prophet + was on his way to Jerusalem. + + The Prophet said he only waited for a Tunisian vessel to set + sail with his brother Cooke, and nine other of his brethren. + Upon being questioned as to his inducing those men to leave + their families, he said he did not take them, a higher power + took them. After having stated the manner in which he had + been pulled out of the bed, and declared that he forgave his + enemies, he said, in answer to a question whether he was at + Brixton, and worked there, “Yea,” and to the question + whether he liked it, “Nay.” + + Cooke, the shoe-maker, then stepped forward, and told the + Magistrate that he was determined to follow his brother + Decker to Jerusalem, but that the parish should suffer no + inconvenience, for he should take his son with him on his + pilgrimage. He said that they should not preach again where + they had been so abused, but should remove to a house near + the National School, in St. George's Fields, where they + would preach till the day of their departure. + + The Magistrate assured the Prophet that he should be + committed if he preached again without a license, which he + might have next Sessions for four-pence. The Prophet was + then discharged. + + Decker, it appeared, had baptized seventeen persons, since + he commenced his labours in St. George's Fields. + +~184~~ No remonstrances of Dashall were of any avail in inducing the +pertinacious fanatic to forego his resolution of a pilgrimage to the +Holy Land, and when the inquisitive numbers who still lingered in front +of the tavern had dispersed, Cooke, with appropriate acknowledgment of +the protection which had been afforded him, took his leave, after having +unsuccessfully endeavoured to make converts of Dashall and the Squire +to the tenets of Prophet Decker, or to prevail on them to accompany the +sacred band in the projected expedition to Jerusalem. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + My son, time was when by necessity, + (Nought else could move me to the enterprize,) + My steps were urg'd to London's wide domains, + I made my will, as prudent friends advis'd;-- + For little wot they, that beset with peril, + I ever should return.--Safe though thou speed'st + To London's wond'rous mart, thy pleasaut way, + Think not that dangers cease, they but begin, + When ent'ring the metrop'lis; slowly then + Receive even Friendship's overtures, and shun + The softer sex their wiles and blandishments; + Walk cautiously the streets, of crowds beware, + And wisely learn to fly each latent snare. + +~185~~ AMONGST other occurrences of the preceding day, Cousin Bob +adverted, at the breakfast table, to the confused intermixture of +carriages, dissonant din of attendant lacqueys clamouring for vehicles, +and the dangers occasioned by quarrelsome coachmen, precipitately, +and at all hazards, rushing forwards to the doors of a mansion, on +the breaking-up of a route, each claiming, and none willing to +concede precedency in taking up their masters and mistresses,--” I am +surprised,” said the Squire, “that any rational being would sacrifice +his time and comfort in making one of an assemblage where within doors +you are pressed to the dread of suffocation, and in making your exit, +are environed by peril and difficulty.” + +“Such,” rejoined Dashall, “are the follies of fashion. Its influence +predominates universally; and the votarists of _bon ton_, are equally +assiduous in the pursuit of their object, whether with the satellites +in the gay and volatile regions of the court, or amongst those of 'sober +fame' in the mercantile bustle of the city. In the purlieus of the +great, _bon ton_ is characterized by inconvenience; four or Ave hundred +people, for example, invited to crowd a suite of rooms not calculated to +accommodate half the number, the squeeze must be delightful! But + + 'Custom in every thing liears sovereign sway!' + +~186~~ thence yield the followers of High Life in the West to the +follies of fashion, where the enjoyment of ease is a subordinate, if not +altogether exploded consideration.--Eastward on the other hand: + + 'I loves High Life, and all the joys it yields,' + Says Madam Fussick, warm from Spitalfields. + 'High Life's the day, 'twixt Saturday and Monday, + 'And riding in a one-horse chay on Sunday, + ''Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons, + 'At Bagnigge Wells, in china and gilt spoons.'” + +“Again,” added the Squire, “what a vast expence is incurred by these +idle and ostentatious displays of luxury, without one object of +advantage gained!” + +“Unproductive result,” rejoined Tom, “is not always the case; it not +unfrequently happens that a route and card-party are united; when +the lady of the mansion generally contrives, by skill and finesse, +to transfer a portion of the spoil into her own private treasury; and +notwithstanding expense, there are those who have given splendid routes +and entertainments, and at the same time, recruited their exhausted +finances, at the sole charges of incautious tradesmen, who +notwithstanding repeated losses, yet absorbed in the love of gain, +become the dupes of avarice and credulity.--In the elucidation of my +remark,-- + + 'If old assertions can't prevail, + Be pleased to hear a modern tale.' + +“Not long since,” continued Dashall, “an aspiring young limb of the +law, of property, in expectancy (but that is neither here nor there) +and fertile in expedient, contrived to insinuate himself into the +good fellowship of a few bon vivants; and resolving to irradiate with +'surprising glory' the galaxy of fashion, he furnished a house, by +permission of an accommodating upholsterer, in a style of magnificence, +and decorated a side-board with a splendid service of plate, borrowed +auspiciously for the occasion from a respectable silversmith, on a +promise of liberal remuneration and safe return; after effecting the +object of its migration, in dazzling the eyes of his honourable friends +at his projected entertainment. + +~187~~ “Amidst the busy 'note of preparation,' the important day at last +arrived; the suite of apartments became thronged with company, and every +one admired the elegance of the furniture; the tasteful ornaments of +the rooms; the brilliancy of the lights and massive construction of the +valuable family plate! In fact every thing conspired to give _eclat_ to +the scene, and confirm the friends of the founder of the feast in their +belief alike of his exquisite judgment and high respectability. + +“The silversmith, that he might not appear indelicately obtrusive, let a +few days elapse after this grand gala had taken place, before he applied +for restoration of his property, the borrower congratulated him on his +good fortune, told him, that several friends had very much admired the +plate, and even expressed an intention of ordering similar services; and +that with regard to the borrowed plate, he had taken so strong a fancy +to it, as to feel disposed to become a purchaser, if the price was +reasonable, and an adequate consideration was made for prompt payment. + +“The silversmith, who chuckled inwardly at the prospect of extending +his business, and connecting himself with so many 'honourable men,' +gratefully expressed his acknowledgments, and assuring him of liberal +dealing, the several items of the borrowed plate were examined and +dilated upon, the price of each article, after much higgling, was +ultimately fixed, the sum total ascertained, and an early clay appointed +for a final settlement of the accompt. It never was the intention of the +borrower to return the plate, but he now had achieved a great object, +by entirely changing the whole complexion of the business; he had now +converted fraud into debt, and happen what might, the silversmith could +only sue him on a civil process, which against a limb of the law, and +as such, privileged from arrest, must be tedious and uncertain, whereas, +had he made away with the plate, without accomplishing the object of +this last manouvre, (such is the indiscriminating severity of English +law,) that he might have been amenable to the punishment of felony! + +“Now comes the reckoning when the banquet's o'er! the parties met +for final settlement, when behold! the accepted purchaser offers the +silversmith a bill at a month; he refuses it indignantly, and consults +his solicitor as to the possibility of compelling the restoration of the +plate; but the lawyer told him, that on his own shewing this could not +be done. The silversmith had now no other resource than that of taking +the ~188~~ proposed bill, and waiting the expiration of the month, for +payment. In the meanwhile, the debtor exhibiting the talent of an able +conveyancer, transmuted the silver into gold, and now laughs at the +credulity of London tradesmen, and sets the silversmith at defiance!”{1} + + 1 This incident, as related by Dash all, actually and very + recently occurred. + + An interesting and useful volume might be compiled on the + subject of frauds practised on London tradesmen. Many of + these tricks have been highly characteristic of ingenuity. + The following is a ludicrous instance of female stratagem. + We give the article literally, as it occurred. + + A few days ago, a female, apparently a person of rank, + visited in her carriage, towards the evening, a Silk + Mercer's Shop, westward of Temple Bar, where she made + choice, for purchase, of silks and other rich articles of + feminine dress and decoration, to the value of above fifty + pounds. Her manner was that of a perfectly well-bred + gentlewoman, and her person displayed no small portion of + attractive and elegant accomplishment. Having completed + her selection, she expressed much regret that she could not + pay the amount of the bill on the instant: “But,” she + continued, “it is a delightful evening; my house is in the + suburbs of town; a short and easy ride will prove a pleasant + recreation, and if you will accompany me home in my + carriage, you shall, on our arrival, be immediately paid.” + The mercer was more gallant of spirit than to reject the + courtesy of a lady so fair and fascinating, and accepting + with pleasure the proferred honour, the vehicle soon + reached its destination. The lady first alighted, taking + with her, into an elegant mansion, the articles of + purchase; the mercer presently followed, was shewn into a + handsome drawing-room, and received with much politeness, by + apparently by a gentleman of the faculty.--A silence of a + few minutes ensued, when the mercer inquired for the lady, + observing, at the same time, that it was necessary he should + return to town immediately. The courteous physician + recommended silence, and the mercer became irritated and + clamorous for his money and freedom of exit. Two + attendants making their appearance, they were directed to + conduct the patient to his apartment. The mercer + suspecting that he was the dupe of artifice, grasped a + poker, with the intention of effect-ing, at all hazard, his + liberation from “durance vile,” but his efforts had no other + result than that of confirming his trammels, and he was + presently bound over to keep the peace, under the guarantee + of a straight-waistcoat! The unfortunate mercer now told a + “plain unvarnished tale,” which gained the attention of the + humane physician, who was no other than the proprietor of + the mansion, in which he managed its concerns as an Asylum + for Lunatics. The lady who accompanied the mercer to the + house, had been with the physician the preceding day, and + made arrangements with him for the reception of an insane + patient.--It was now discovered that she had come under a + fictitious name; had retreated in the hired vehicle with the + mercer's property; and had adopted this curious stratagem, + the more effectually to silence suspicion and prevent + detection. + +~189~~ This detail threw the Squire into a train of rumination, on the +tricks and chicanery of metropolitan adventurers; while Dashall amused +himself with the breakfast-table concomitant, the newspaper. A few +minutes only elapsed, when he laid it aside, approached the window, +and seeing a funeral pass, in procession, along the street, he turned +towards his Cousin, and interrupted his reverie with the following +extemporaneous address:-- + + “Dost thou observe,” he said, “yon sable tribe + Of death anticipates?--These are they + Who, when men die, rejoice! all others else + Of human kind, shed o'er departed friends + The tear of reminiscence; these prowlers + Hunt after Death, and fatten on his prey! + Mark now their measur'd steps, solemn and slow, + And visage of each doleful form, that wears + The semblance of distress; they mourn for hire, + And tend the funeral rites with hearts of stone! + Their souls of apathy would never feel + A moment's pang were Death at one fell sweep, + Even all their relatives to hurl from earth!-- + Knaves there exist among them who defraud + The grave for sordid lucre; who will take + The contract price for hurrying to the tomb + The culprit corse the victim of the law, + But lay it where? Think'st thou in sacred ground! + No! in the human butcher's charnel-house! + Who pleas'd, reserves the felon for the knife, + And bribes the greater villain with a fee!” + +Cousin Bob was very much surprised by this sudden effusion, and +inquiring the source of inspiration, Dashall put into his hands the +newspaper, pointing to the following extraordinary communication, +extracted verbatim.{1} + + 1 The King v. Cundick.--This was an indictment against the + defendant, undertaker to the Horsemonger-lane gaol, for a + mis-demeanour, in corruptly selling for dissection the body + of a capital convict, after he had been executed, contrary + to his duty, in viola-tion of public decency, and the + scandal of religion. There were various counts in the + indictment, charging the offence in different ways. The + defendant pleaded Not Guilty. + + The case excited considerable interest, as well for its + unprecedented novelty as the singularity of its + circumstances. It was a public prosecution at the instance + of the Magistracy of the County. + + Mr. Nolan and Mr. Bolland conducted the case for the Crown; + and Mr. Adolphus, Mr. Turton, and Mr. Ryland, were for + the defence. + + It appeared in evidence that a capital convict, named Edward + Lee, who had been tried and found guilty at the last + Croydon Assizes, of a highway robbery, was publicly executed + at Horse-monger-lane gaol, on Monday, the 10th of September. + After he was cut down he was delivered over to the + defendant, the appointed carpenter and undertaker of the + gaol, for interment at the County's expense, for which he + was allowed three guineas. He received particular + directions that the afflicted mother and other friends of + the deceased were to be permitted to see the body before + inter-ment, and follow it to the grave, if they thought + proper. The friends of the deceased called on the + defendant, who lives in Redcross-street, to know when the + funeral would take place. He appointed the following day, + Tuesday, the 11th of September. The unhappy mother of the + deceased, being confined to her bed, was unable to attend + the funeral, but sent a friend to the house of the defendant + to see the body, and cut a lock of its hair. Application + being made to the defendant for this purpose, he said he had + already buried the body, because he could not keep such + people any longer in his house. The friend demanded a + certificate of the funeral, which he promised to procure on + a subsequent day, upon paying a fee. On the Thursday + following the uncle of the deceased called for a certificate + of the burial, but could not get it, the de-fendant then + saying that the body had been buried the day before. The + friends then became clamorous, and complaint being made to + Mr. Walter, the gaoler, he sent repeatedly for the defendant + to come to the gaol and explain his conduct, which he + declined. At length one of the turnkeys was sent after + him on the Friday, with positive directions to bring him + forthwith. As soon as the de-fendant found that he was + compelled to go to Mr. Walter, he made an excuse, that he + had some immediate business to attend to, but would meet the + messenger in an hour at a neighbouring public-house. To + this the turnkey consented, but watched the defendant to his + house, where he saw two or three suspicious looking men + lurking about. After waiting for some time, the defendant + came to him, and expressed his surprise that he was not gone + to the public-house. The defendant appeared agitated, and + went off as hard as he could towards the Southwark Iron + Bridge. A person named Crisp, who was with the turnkey, + went one way after the defendant, and the turnkey another. + The latter went to Crawford's burial ground, where he saw + the same suspicious looking man whom he had observed about + the defendant's house, in the act of interring a coffin. + He immediately interposed, and said the coffin should not be + buried until he examined its contents. At this moment + the defendant came into the burying-ground, and + seemed angry at the interruption, and begged he + might be allowed to inter the body, which he acknowledged + was Edward Lee; and excused himself for not burying it + before, by saying, that the pressure of other business + prevented him. The turnkey remonstrated with him for + disobedience of the orders he had received to permit the + friends of the deceased to see the body and attend the + funeral. The defendant seemed greatly perplexed: at length + he took hold of Crisp and the turnkey by the sleeve, and, + with considerable agitation, offered them 10L. each to + permit him to bury the coffin, and say no more about the + matter. This was peremptorily refused. The turnkey insisted + upon opening the coffin, and whilst the defendant went to + explain his conduct to Mr. Walter, he did open it, and found + that it contained nothing but earth. It appeared that the + defendant had been applying to the sexton in the course of + the week for a certificate of the burial, but was unable to + succeed, the body not having been buried. Search was then + made for the body, and at length it was traced to Mr. + Brooks's dissecting rooms in Blenheim-street, Marlborough- + street, where it had undergone a partial dissection. The + upper part of the scull had been removed, but replaced. + Several persons identified the body as that of Edward Lee. + It was proved that about ten o'clock in the evening of + Tuesday, the 11th September, a hackney-coach had stopped at + the defendant's house, and the defendant was seen assisting + two men in lifting a large hamper into the carriage, which + then drove off. This was the substance of the case for the + prosecution. + + Mr. Adolphus, in an able and ingenious address to the Jury, + contended that the indictment must fail, inasmuch as the + evidence did not satisfy the allegation in the indictment, + that the defendant had sold the body for lucre and gain. Now + there was no proof whatever that it had been sold, which + might have easily been made out, if the fact was so, by + summoning Mr. Brooks, the anatomist. The real fact was, that + the body had been stolen by other persons from the + defendant's house, and the defendant had been driven to the + miserable shifts proved in evidence, in order to conceal the + misfortune, and prevent the loss of his lucrative situation + in the gaol. + + No witnesses to facts were called for the defendant; but + several persons gave him a good character for honesty and + industry. + + The Jury, under the learned Judge's directions, found the + defendant Guilty. + +~192~~ The Squire having perused this appalling account of human +depravity, expressed himself in energetic terms of indignation against +the miscreant, who to the acute miseries of maternal affliction at +the premature loss of a son, and by such a death! could add the bitter +anguish of consigning his cold remains, unseen by any earthly spirit of +sympathy, to the knife of the dissector, in breach of every law moral +and divine! In the warmth of his kindly feelings, the Squire would have +uttered a curse, had he not been prevented by the entrance of his +old friend, Sir Felix O'Grady. The two friends received their quondam +acquaintance with much cordiality. “Cuish la mevchree! exclaimed the +Baronet, shaking heartily the hands of Tom and Bob; “and how have +you done these many long days past?”--This inquiry having been +satisfactorily answered, Sir Felix explained the object of his +visit:--“Aunts of all sorts, or any sort, or no sort at all at all,” + said he, “are cursed bad things, sure enough; as somebody in the play +says.” + +This abrupt commencement excited the risible feelings of Dashall and his +Cousin, which were further stimulated by Sir Felix seriously appealing +to their commiseration, under the pressure of misfortune,--“for this +same respectable maiden lady, Mrs. Judith Macgilligan, my venerable aunt +as aforesaid, has recently imported her antiquated piece of virginity +from her native mountains near Belfast, and having had my address +pat enough, the worse luck, the sowl, with an affected anxiety for my +welfare, must take up her residence, while in town, in the same house +with her dutiful nephew, that she may have the opportunity of watching +over him in his erratic pursuits, as she says, with maternal solicitude; +that is, in other words, to spy into all my actions, and bore me +everlastingly with her intolerable company. It was but the blessed +morning of yesterday that she took a fancy to exhibit her beautiful +person at the lounge in Bond-street;--by-the-bye, this same paragon of +perfection has passed her grand climacteric, being on the wrong side +of sixty;--is as thin as a lath and as tall as a May-pole;--speaks an +indescribable language of the mongrel kind, between Irish and Scotch, of +which she is profuse to admiration; and forgetting the antiquity of her +person, prides herself on the antiquity of her ancestry so much, that +she is said to bear a strong resemblance to her grandmother, judging +from the full-length portrait (painted seventy years ago,) of that +worthy progenitor of our family, who was a descendent, lineally, +from O'Brien king of Ulster, that she copies her dress on all public +occasions, to the great amusement and edification of the spectators; and +in these venerable habiliments she promenaded Bond-street, hanging on my +arm;--by the Powers, till I felt ashamed of my precious charge, for all +the world was abroad, and my reverend aunt was the universal magnet of +attraction.” + +“Well, and you find yourself comfortable,” said Dashall,--“we have all +of us foibles, and why expect your aunt to be exempted from them?--Have +you any thing in expectance,--is she rich?” + +~193~~ “Twenty thousand pounds, twice told,” replied Sir Felix, +“sterling money of Great Britain, in which I have a reversionary +interest.” + +“Why then,” said Tallyho, “you cannot do better than contribute all in +your power to her ease and pleasure; and in exercising this commendable +duty, you will gain present satisfaction, and may justly anticipate +future benefit.” + +“And,” added Dashall, “if my Cousin or myself can by any means further +your object, in contributing towards the full attainment of your aunt's +amusement while she remains in town, you may command our services.” + +“By the powers of fortune,” exclaimed the Baronet, “you have just given +me the opportunity I was wishing for; that is, I had a favour to ask, +but which I could not find courage enough to do, notwithstanding my +native assurance, until now. You must know, then, that on Easter Monday, +the illustrious Judith Macgilligan, descendant lineally from O'Brien +king of Ulster, means to honour the Civic entertainment with her sublime +presence, and grace the Ball at the Mansion-house in a dress resembling +that of her grandmother the princess, worn seventy years ago. Now, my +dear friends, having pledged yourselves to contribute all in your power +towards the pleasure of my venerable aunt, which of you will be her +partner for the evening?” + +The pause of a moment was succeeded by a hearty laugh; Tallyho had +no objections to the hand, as a partner at the ball, of Miss Judith +Macgilligan, even should she choose to array herself after the manner +of the princess her grandmother. But Dashall observing that as no masque +balls were given at the Mansion-house, it would be necessary that Miss +Macgilligan should forego her intention of appearing otherwise than +in modern costume. Sir Felix undertook to arrange this point with +his relative, and in the name and on behalf of Squire Tallyho, of +Belville-hall, to engage the distinguished honour of her hand at +the ensuing Mansion-house Ball. This important affair having been +satisfactorily adjusted, it was proposed by Dashall that, as his Cousin +and the Baronet had neither of them ever been present at the Epping Hunt +on Easter Monday, they should form themselves into a triumvirate for the +purpose of enjoying that pleasure on the morrow. The Squire having in +town ~194~~ two hunters from his own stud, embraced the proposition with +the avidity of a true sportsman, and Sir Felix declining the offer of +one of these fleet-footed coursers, it was agreed they should be under +the guidance of Tom and Bob, and that Sir Felix should accompany them, +mounted on his own sober gelding, early in the morning, to the field of +Nimrod, from which they purposed to return to town in sufficient time to +witness other holiday sports, before dressing for the entertainment at +the Mansion-house. + +These preliminaries settled, and Sir Felix agreeing to take a pot-luck +dinner with his two friends, the trio resolved on a morning lounge +of observation, and sallying forth, took their way along Piccadilly +accordingly. + +Although it was Sunday morning, this street presented, with the +exception of the shops being closed, nearly the same appearance of +bustle as on any other day; the number of pedestrians was not apparently +less, and of equestrians and carriage-occupants, an increase; the two +latter description of the ton, actually or would-be, passing onwards to +the general Sunday rendezvous, Hyde-Park, where Real Life in London is +amusingly diversified; and where may be seen frequently, amongst +the promiscuous promenaders of the Mall, a prince of the blood-royal +undistinguishable by external ornament from any of the most humble in +the moving panorama; while an endless succession of carriages, in which +are seated, what England beyond any other country may proudly boast of, +some of the most beautiful women in the world, present the observer +with an enlivening theme of admiration; and, together with the mounted +exhibiters, from the man of fashion on the “pampered, prancing steed,” + to the youth of hebdomadary emancipation on “the hacked Bucephalus of +Rotten Row,” form an assemblage at once ludicrous and interesting. + +Having circumambulated the “Ring,” our triumvirate returned by the gate +in Piccadilly, and crossing from thence to Constitution-hill, Dashall +pointed out to his companions the seat, as now fixed upon (on the +summit of the Green Park) of a Military Pillar, intended to be raised +in commemoration of the many victories achieved by British valour in the +last war. “This plan, if properly carried into effect by the erection +(said Dashall) of a column equal in splendor of execution ~195~~ with +the glory it is meant to record, will be the greatest ornament of the +metropolis.” + +“If again,” added the Squire, “it does not prove like some other recent +projections, a Castle in the air!”{1} + + + 1 Tallyho probably alludes to the long meditated Monument in + memory of the late Princess Charlotte, towards the memory of + which a very large sum of money was raised by public + subscription. + +Without any other occurrence worthy of remark, the perambulators reached +home, and enjoyed the comfortable quietude of an excellent domestic +dinner, without interruption. Every arrangement having been made for the +amusements of next day, the party broke up, Sir Felix returning to +his lodgings, to gladden the heart of Miss Judith Macgilligan with the +anticipation of conquest; and Dashall and Tallyho retiring to early +repose, that they might encounter the business of the morning with +recruited renovation.--Next day + + The feathered songster chanticleer + Had wound his bugle horn, + And told the early villager + The coming of the morn;-- + +When the Baronet made his appearance “on a milk-white steed,” before the +mansion of Dashall. In a few moments the friendly trio were assembled in +the breakfast-parlour, and partook of a hasty repast while the coursers +from the Belville-stud, destined to perform a prominent part in the +forthcoming adventures of the day, were getting in readiness. The +preparations were soon completed,--the hunters, two noble animals, were +brought to the door, + + Each “with neck like a rainbow, erecting his crest, + Paniper'd, prancing and pleas'd, his head touching his breast.” + “Saddle White Surrey for the field to-morrow,” + +was the order of Richard,” said the Baronet; “but had he been in +possession of such a horse as either of these, 'White Surrey' might have +gone to the devil.” + +“I'll warrant them both, sound, wind and limb, and gentle to boot,” + said the Squire,--“Come then, if you wish to be well-mounted, and would +really look like a “baron bold,” seat yourself fearlessly on either, +and bear yourself through the streets of London with the dignity ~196~~ +befitting a true, magnanimous and puissant knight of Munster!”--This +address had the desired effect,--it implied a doubt of the Baronet's +courage, and he seated himself on the “gallant steed” immediately.--Tom +and Bob at same time betook themselves, the former to the other “high +mettled racer,” and the latter to the unassuming rejected Rosinante +of Sir Felix. A trifling delay, however, occurred; the stirrups of +the Baronet's charger were too short, and he alighted while the groom +repaired the defect. + + Now see him mounted once again + Upon his nimble steed; + Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, + With caution and good heed. + +Whether, like the Calenderer's horse under the its guidance of the +celebrated John Gilpin, the disdainful steed now in the management of +Sir Felix, “wondered what thing he'd got upon his back,” we are not +competent to decide; but he certainly in his progress “o'er the +stones” manifested frequent impatience of restraint. These symptoms +of contumaciousness were nevertheless borne by the Baronet without +complaint,-- + + Till finding soon a smoother road + Beneath its well-shod feet, + The snorting beast began to trot, + Which galled him in his seat. + +And, as if intuitively knowing the incapacity of his rider to restrain +him, and despising curb and rein, the indignant animal set off at full +speed, to the great dismay of Dashall and the Squire, who putting their +horses to the pith of their mettle, hurried after their friend with the +utmost solicitude. Luckily, however, the career of the spirited animal +was impeded, and finally stopped, by the frequent interposition of the +passengers on the road, and the Baronet was safely set down, ready to +exclaim with Hawser Trunnion, “If ever I get astride the back of +such another harum scarum son of a bitch again, my name is not Felix +O'Grady.” + +[Illustration: page196 Easter Hunt] + +The pursuers speedily rejoined the pursued, and felt happy in the +knowledge of his welfare. The abashment of the baronet, occasioned +by this untoward adventure, soon gave way to his characteristic +good-humour; and ~197~~ having resigned all further government of +the Squire's unruly quadruped, and resumed possession of his own, the +triumvirate proceeded towards the place of destination. + +In the meanwhile, the city horsemen arose with Phoebus, to mount their +rosinantes, to be present at the enlargement of the stag, and were +roused from their slumbers according to order by the watchmen. The +motley group, that was early in the field, furnished a capital subject +for the caricaturist. Carts, horses, lame mares, and refractory donkies, +with their grotesque riders, covered the field, together with dandies in +chaises, and the lassies from St. Giles's, Chick-lane, Wapping, and +St. Catherine's, in market carts, with their sweet-hearts, considerably +swelled the number of the hunters. The stag was decorated with bunches +of ribbons, and seemed when enlarged much more frightened at the +appearance of the Londoners, than at the hounds, his natural enemies. +When the chase commenced, never was witnessed such a scene of confusion +and disorder. Upset carts, and unhorsed huntsmen, were seen in all +directions. The stag went off in good style, and out of hundreds of +horsemen, not above a dozen were able to keep their seats, but a number +of fellows were on the lurk to take care of the stray horses. + +After a cursory glance at the variegated and boisterous assemblage, +the stag bounded forward with the velocity of lightning, amidst the +astounding shouts of the multitude, and was instantly followed by his +biped and quadruped foes of indescribable diversity, from the amateur +of the turf on his spirited and well caparisoned steed, to the spavined +gelding, bearing its cockney rider, and numerous other _annual_ +equestrians, preceded by every description of the canine race, from +the high bred beagle to the “cur of low degree.” All was tumultuous +dissonance, and confusion worse confounded. Tallyho enjoyed the scene +to the very acme of delight, and giving the reins to his experienced +courser, high in blood, and eager for accustomed exercise, the noble +animal accompanied by its companion under the guidance of Dashall, +started off with unrivalled celerity, and in a few moments set all +competition at defiance. Sir Felix, in an attempt to follow his friends, +leaped a fence, but gaining the opposite side, horse and rider came +to the ground: fortunately neither of them sustained any injury.--Sir +Felix, ~198~~ however, on regaining his footing, found that his horse, +which had gone forward, was in possession of a stranger, who losing +his own, had availed himself of this opportunity of remounting, and now +pursued his way bare-headed; for the wind had uncourteously uncovered +his pericranium, and he abandoned his castor to its fate rather than +by stopping to pick it up, risque the restitution of his prize, and +the wrath of the baronet, who stood spell-bound against the fence, +vociferously demanding his gelding, and extending his arm in reiterated +denunciation of vengeance. The unceremonious intruder turning round on +the saddle, without slackening his career.--” Bide you where you are, +my fine fellow,” he provokingly exclaimed, “until the chase is over, and +your gelding shall then be forthcoming.” If the sense of misfortune is +alleviated by seeing it participated by others, the baronet had ample +fund of consolation, for numbers around him were involved in similar +calamity. He profited too, by an admirable lesson of patience under +disaster. On the right of his runaway gelding, and its rider, he +perceived a dismounted horseman, quietly submitting to adversity, by +seating himself on a bank, while his unburthened steed pursued the chase +with unabating celerity, leaving its owner to wait, at leisure, its +return. Two cockney equestrians now approached, at full speed, the +fence where Sir Felix still stood, in the attitude of remonstrance and +irritation; and attempting the leap, one, like the baronet, gained the +opposite side, but with a less successful result; for the rider was +pitched over with some violence, with his heels aloft in the air, as if +about to perambulate the field on his hands, while his horse came to the +ground on its face and knees, suspended by its hind legs from the upper +bar of the fence, and vainly essaying at extrication. The other cockney +sportsman was similarly situated: his horse had not cleared the fence, +neither had the rider, although he had reached the neck of his rosinante +in his progress to the opposite side; in this position he assumed a +permanent aspect, for his horse rested with his fore-legs over the +fence, and seemed incapable of either retrograding or proceeding. These +lessons taught the baronet resignation in mishap; the result of which +was the return, in about an hour, of his friends Tom and Bob, to his +great comfort, which was further increased by their bringing with them +his gelding, having recognized the animal ~199~~ in the possession of a +stranger, who, on their claiming it as belonging to Sir Felix O'Grady, +very readily gave it up, saying, that the baronet had not forgot in the +midst of his threats, frequently to announce his name, and hoping that +he would excuse him for having resorted to the privilege which every +person claims on this day, of taking care of the stray horses. The party +now fully satisfied with the humours and disasters of the Easter Hunt, +turned their steeds homewards, and journeying unimpeded, notwithstanding +the throng of the road, they quickly gained town, without the occurrence +of any other memorable incident. + +Having reached the mansion of Dashall, Sir Felix acquainted Tallyho with +the success of his mission respecting the hand, as a partner, at the +Mansion-house Ball, of the august descendant of the Kings of Ulster, +the sage and venerable Miss Judith Macgilligan. “O, the beautiful +_illustrissimo_! the sweet crature” exclaimed the baronet, “with +commendable care of her virgin purity, and fair unsullied fame, is +tenacious of etiquette, and insists that she shall be asked with all due +form and respect, (after I have introduced your Squireship to the honour +of her notice) at the Mansion-house. By my conscience, I believe she is +in love with your character, and no doubt will prove desperately so with +your person. Faith and troth now, she is both too young and too old for +matrimony; too young, because she may live to torment you these twenty +years to come, which is a penance no sprightly lad should voluntarily +undergo for all her fortune; and too old, being in all respects +disqualified by age, for the important object of marriage, which was +instituted for the procreation of children.” + +“My dear sir,” rejoined the Squire, “immaculate may the lady remain in +her person and property, I have no views on either.” + +“By the powers of charity retract that 'stern decree,'” exclaimed the +baronet, “would you break the heart of the love-sick nymph, by chilling +indifference to the potency of her charms and the magnitude of her +fortune? However, all joking apart, my good friends, will you do my aunt +and your humble servant the honour of calling at our lodgings; we shall +wait your coming and proceed together to the civic entertainment?” This +was agreed to;--the baronet retired, and the two cousins having the best +part of the day still before them, set out on a stroll to Tothill-fields +Fair, with the view of ascertaining Real Life in Westminster, amongst +the middle and lower orders of its extensive population. + +~200~~ Crossing St. James's Park, our two observers soon reached the +scene of jollity. Here, as in all the fairs held in London, and its +vicinity, was a vast assemblage of idlers, including both sexes and all +ages. “They talk of the severity of the times,” said Dashall, “and the +distress of the lower orders of society; I cannot say, however, that I +have witnessed any semblance of distress or privation amongst such in +this metropolis to the extent represented,1 in the whole course of my +observation. These fairs, for instance, more properly marts of iniquity, +are crammed to excess; and in pursuit of low enjoyment there appears no +deficiency of pecuniary means. In all these resorts of dissipation, +not only the shows are filled with spectators, but the booths and +neighbouring public-houses are crowded with male and female revellers.” + +The Squire acquiesced in the correctness of his friend's remark, and +both coincided in opinion that the regular daily public places of +amusement in the metropolis afford ample opportunity for rational +recreation, independent of the continuance of fairs, which have no other +tendency than facilitating the progress of licentiousness. + +Dashall observed, that on the present occasion, in the midst of so much +alleged distress,-the booths and shows of Tothill-fields Fair were +much more extensive than in former years. “We must, however,” said he, +“although the evil continues, do the Magistrates the justice to say +that they have acted meritoriously in preventing the erection of those +dangerous machines named round-abouts, by which, at former fairs, many +serious accidents were occasioned.” + +[Illustration: page200 Donkey Cart Race] + +While Ton and Bob were quizzing the costermongers and the Venuses, +they in their turn were queered out of their wipes; thus another +cogent argument was afforded as to the necessity of suppressing these +nuisances, as being the rendezvous of infamy, and the harvest of +depredation. The visitors appeared in all their glory, as elegant +and boisterous as usual; the consumption of gin and gingerbread was +apparently prodigious, and the great luxury amongst the fashionables was +fried sausages and the bolting of oysters with sugar for wagers. Having +lost their wipes, the two friends resolved at least to save ~201~~ their +tattlers; and having seen a sufficiency of Westminster jollification, +they left the fair to those visitors who might better appreciate its +enjoyment. + +Returning home, they were not encountered by farther mischance, and +having shortly reached their destination, and dressed for the evening +gala, a chariot was ordered, and they were set down at the lodgings of +Sir Felix O'Grady. + +The baronet introduced his two friends to his aunt, with much affected +form, and with an arch leer of expression, which, on an occasion of +minor import, would have excited the risibility of Bob, but this was no +laughing affair; the presentation therefore was conducted with all due +solemnity, and Miss Judith Macgilligan received him with a maidenish +diffidence and complacency, yet with the dignity becoming a descendant +of O'Brien, King of Ulster. + +Having partaken of a slight repast, the party drove off, in the lady's +temporary vehicle, and rattling rapidly along the streets, were in a +very short time arrived at the Mansion-house. The company was select and +elegant; the ladies particularly, might vie in splendour of ornament and +fascination of personal charms, with first rate beauties of the west; +and what gave the entertainment a superior zest above every other +consideration, was the condescending affability of the Civic Queen, who +received her numerous and delighted guests with a truly hospitable, yet +dignified politeness; nor was there any deficiency on the part of her +lord; all that the most excellent arrangements and the most minute +attention could accomplish was done, to the entire gratification and +comfort of the company.{1} + + 1 Easter Amusements.--Mansion-house. The customary Easter + Civic Dinner and Ball were given at the Mansion-house. A + material alteration was effected in the entertainment upon + this occasion, by considerably abridging the number of + cards, which it was the practice hitherto to issue. The Lady + Mayoress received the company before dinner in the ball + room; in dis-charging which office her ladyship displayed + much ease and elegance of manner. The company adjourned to + the Egyptian Hall to dinner, at about half-past six o'clock. + They consisted of Lord Viscount Sidmouth, the Earl of + Shaftesbury, Mr. Peel, and some other members of the + Ministry, the Lords Bishop of London and Landaff, and other + church dignitaries; the Lords Chief Justices of England, and + the Court of Common Pleas; the Vice Chancellor, several of + the diplomatic corps, as well as the leading Members of the + Senate and the Army, and other gentlemen of distinction, her + Grace the Duchess of Rutland, and several ladies of rank, in + all about three hundred and fifty individuals of both sexes. + There were five tables laid out in the hall, which from + being prettily ornamented with festoons of flowers attached + to pillars along the centre of each, had an extremely + picturesque appearance upon entering the room. After dinner + the usual toasts were drank, and the respective parties + present returned thanks. Messrs. Pyne, Broadhurst, and other + professional gentle-men, sung several songs and glees in + their happiest style. At a little after nine o'clock the + Lady Mayoress and the ladies with-drew, and the gentlemen + shortly afterwards rejoined them in the ball-room. + + At a little before ten o'clock, the ball-room was prepared, + and in a short time the most distinguished of the guests + repaired thither. The dresses of the ladies were in general + particularly elegant. The ball was opened by two of the + younger daughters of the Lord Mayor, Misses Ann and Harriett + Magnay, who danced the minuet de la cour in so elegant and + finished a manner, as elicited general approbation. The + quadrilles were led off by the Duke de Cazes and Baron + Langsdorff, and were continued with the greatest spirit + throughout the night. The centre tables in the Egyptian Hall + were removed for the accommodation of the company, but the + side tables were retained, and refreshments served out from + them in abundance. + + We believe that in the general participation of pleasure + there existed one solitary exception only, in the person of + Miss Judith Macgilligan. It unfortunately happened that an + opportunity offered not for the display of her graces in the + dance. She then became peevishly taciturn, complained of + indisposition, and expressing a desire of returning home, + the gentlemen consequently assented, and the party left the + Mansion-house at an earlier hour than they had either + anticipated or desired. + + + + + +VOLUME II. Part 2 + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + “All London is full of vagaries, + Of bustle of splendour and show, + At every turn the scene varies, + Whether near, or still further we go. + Each lane has a character in it, + Each street has its pauper and beau: + And such changes are making each minute, + Scarce one from the other we know. + The in and out turnings of life, + Few persons can well understand; + But in London the grand source of strife, + Is of fortune to bear the command. + Yet some who are high up to day, + Acknowledged good sober and witty, + May to-morrow be down in decay, + In this great and magnanimous city.” + +~~203~~~ “Apropos,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, laying down the Times +newspaper after breakfast, “a fine opportunity is offered to us to day, +for a peep at the Citizens of London in their Legislative Assembly, a +Court of Common Council is announced for twelve o'clock, and I think I +can promise you much of entertaining information, by paying a visit at +Guildhall and its vicinity. We have several times passed it with merely +taking a view of its exterior, but the interior is equally deserving of +attention, particularly at a period when it is graced by the personages +and appendages which constitute its state and dignity. London is +generally spoken of as the first commercial city in the known world, and +its legislators, as a corporate body, becomes a sort of rallying post +for all others in the kingdom. We have plenty of time before us, and +may lounge a little as we march along to amuse or refresh ourselves at +leisure.” “With all my heart,” said Tallyho, “for I have heard much +about the Lord Mayor, the Sword Bearer, and the Common Hunt, all in a +bustle,--though I have never yet had an opportunity of seeing any of +them.” + +~~204~~ “They are interesting subjects, I can assure you, so come along, +we will take a view of these _Gogs_ and _Magogs_ of civic notoriety,” + and thus saying, they were quickly on the road for the city. The morning +being fine, they took their way down St. James's Street, at the bottom +of which their ears were attracted by the sounds of martial music +approaching. + +“We have nicked the time nicely indeed,” said Dashall, “and may now +enjoy a musical treat, before we proceed to the oratorical one. The +Guards in and about the Palace, are relieved every morning about this +time, for which purpose they are usually mustered at the Horse-Guards, +in the Park, where they are paraded in regular order, and then marched +here. It forms a very pleasing sight for the cockney loungers, for those +out of employ, and those who have little inclination to be employed; and +you see the crowds that are hastening before them, in order to obtain +admission to Palace Yard, before their arrival--let us join the throng; +there is another detachment stationed there ready to receive them, +and while they are relieving the men actually on duty, the two bands +alternately amuse the officers and the bye-standers with some of the +most admired Overtures and Military Airs.” + +They now passed the gate, and quickly found themselves in a motley group +of all descriptions, crowding to the seat of action, and pouring in +from various avenues. Men, women, and children, half-drill'd drummers, +bandy-legged fifers, and suckling triangle beaters, with bags of books +and instruments in their hands to assist the band. The colours were +mounted as usual on a post in the centre, the men drawn up in ranks, and +standing at ease, while the officers were pacing backwards and forwards +in the front, arm-in-arm with each other, relating the rencontres of the +preceding day, or those in anticipation of the ensuing. This order of +things was however quickly altered, as the relieving party entered, +and at the word “attention,” every officer was at his post, and the men +under arms. Our friends now moved under the piazzas so as to be in the +rear of the party who had the first possession, and after hearing with +great admiration the delightful airs played by the two bands, which +had been the principal object of attraction with them--they proceeded +through the Park and reached Charing Cross, by the way of Spring +Gardens. + +~~205~~~ “Zounds,” said Tallyho, “this is a very unworthy entrance to a +Royal Park.” + +“Admitted, it is so,” was the reply, “and a degradation to the splendid +palace, I mean internally, which is so close to it, and which is the +present residence of Majesty.” They now proceeded without any +thing further of consequence worthy of remark, till they reached +Villiers-street. + +“Come,” said Tom, “I perceive we shall have time to take a look at the +world below as well as the world above; “when crossing into the Adelphi, +and suddenly giving another turn, he entered what to Bob appeared a +cavern, and in one moment was obscured from his sight.--“Hallo,” said +Tallyho, “where the devil are you leading me to?”--“Never mind,” was the +reply; “keep on the right side, and you are safe enough; but if you get +into the centre, beware of the Slough of Despond--don't be afraid.” + +Upon this assurance Bob groped his way along for a few paces, and at a +distance could discover the glimmering of a lamp, which seemed but to +make darkness more visible. Keeping his eye upon the light, and more +engrossed with the idea of his own safety in such a place than any thing +else, for he could neither conjecture where he was nor whence he was +going, he presently came in violent contact with a person whom he could +not see, and in a moment found himself prostrate on the ground. + +“Hallo,” cried a gruff voice, which sounded through the hollow arches +of the place with sepulchral tone--“who the devil are you--why don't +you mind where you go--you must not come here with your eyes in your +pocket;” and at the same time he heard a spade dug into the earth, which +almost inspired him with the idea that he should be buried alive. + +“Good God protect,” (exclaimed Bob,) “where is Dashall--where am I?” + +“Where are you--why you're in the mud to be sure--and for aught I know, +Dashall and all the rest may be in the clouds; what business have you +dashing here--we have enough of the Dandies above, without having them +below--what have you lost your way, or have you been _nibbling_ in the +light, and want to hide yourself--eh?” + +~~206~~~ “Neither, neither, I can assure you; but I have been led here, +and my friend is on before.” + +“Oh, well, if that's the case, get up, and I'll hail him, +--ey-ya-ap”--cried he, in a voice, which seemed like thunder to our +fallen hero, and which was as quickly answered by the well known voice +of his Cousin, who in a few minutes was at his elbow. + +“What now,” vociferated Tom, “I thought I gave you instructions how to +follow, and expected you was just behind me.” + +“Why for the matter of that,” cried the unknown, “he was not before +you, that's sartin; and he knocked himself down in the mud before ever +I spoke to him, that's all I know about it--but he don't seem to +understand the navigation of our parts.” + +“I don't wonder at that,” replied Tom; “for he was never here before in +his life--but there is no harm done, is there?” + +“None,” replied Bob; “all's right again now--so proceed.” + +“Nay,” replied the unknown, “all's not right yet; for if as how this +is your first appearance in the shades below, it is but fair you should +come down.” + +“Down,” said Bob, “why I have been down--you knock'd me down.” + +“Well, never mind, my master, I have set you on your pins again; and +besides that, I likes you very well, for you're down as a hammer, and +up again like a watch-box--but to my thinking a drap o'somut good would +revive you a little bit; and I should like to drink with you--for you +ought to pay your footing.” + +“And so he shall,” continued Tom--“So come along, my lad.” + +By this time Bob had an opportunity of discovering that the person he +had thus unfortunately encountered, was no other than a stout raw-boned +coalheaver, and that the noise he had heard was occasioned by his +sticking his pointed coal-shovel in the earth, with intention to help +him up after his fall. Pursuing their way, and presently turning to the +right, Bob was suddenly delighted by being brought from utter darkness +into marvellous light, presenting a view of the river, with boats and +barges passing and repassing with their usual activity. + +“What place is this?” inquired Tallyho. + +~207~~~ “Before you,” replied his Cousin, “is the River Thames; and +in the front you will find wharfs and warehouses for the landing and +housing of various merchandize, such as coals, fruit, timber, &c.: we +are now under the Adelphi Terrace, where many elegant and fashionable +houses are occupied by persons of some rank in society; these streets, +lanes, and subterraneous passages, have been constructed for the +convenience of conveying the various articles landed here into the main +streets of the metropolis, and form as it were a little world under +ground.” + +“And no bad world neither,” replied the coalheaver, who upon inspection +proved to be no other than Bob Martlet, whom they had met with as one +of the _heavy wet_ party at Charley's Crib--“For there is many a family +lives down here, and gets a good bit of bread too; what does it signify +where a man gets his bread, if he has but an honest appetite to eat it +with: aye, and though I say it, that house in the corner there, just +down by the water's edge, can supply good stuff at all times to wash +it down with, and that you know's the time of day, my master: this warm +weather makes one _dryish_ like, don't it?” + +Tom thought the hint dry enough, though Bob was declaring he was almost +wet through; however, they took their road to the Fox under the Hill, +as it is termed. On entering which a good fire presented itself, and +Tallyho placed himself in front of it, in order to dry his clothes, +while Bob Martlet was busy in inquiring of the landlord for a brush to +give the gemman a wipe down, as, he observed, he had a sort of a trip up +in these wild parts--though to be sure that there was no great wonder, +for a gentleman who was near sighted, and didn't wear spectacles; +“however,” continued he, “there an't no harm done; and so the gemman and +I are going to drink together--arn't we, Sir?” + +Tallyho, who by this time had got well roasted by the fire-side, nodded +his assent, and Dashall inquired what he would like. + +~~208~~~ “Why, my master, as for that, it's not much matter to me; a +drap of sky blue in a boulter of barley,{1} with a dollop of sweet,{2} +and a little saw dust,{3} is no bad thing according to my thinking; but +Lord bless you! if so be as how a gemman like you offers to treat Bill +Martlet, + + 1 A boulter of barley--a drink--or a pot of porter. + + 2 A dollop of sweet--sugar. + + 3 Saw-dust--a cant term for ginger or nutmeg grated. + +why Bill Martlet never looks a gift horse in the mouth, you know, as the +old saying is; but our landlord knows how to make such rum stuff, as I +should like you to taste it--we call it hot, don't us, landlord?--Come, +lend us hold of the brush?” “Ave, and brush up, Mr. Landlord,” said the +Hon. Tom Dashall; “let us have a taste of this nectar he's talking of, +for we have not much time to stop.” + +“Lord bless your eye sight,” replied Martlet, “there an't no occasion +whatsomdever for your honours to stay--if you'll only give the order, +and push about the possibles, the business is all done. Come, shovel up +the sensible,” continued he to the landlord, “mind you give us the real +double XX. I don't think your coat is any the worse, it would sarve me +for a Sunday swell toggery for a twelve-month to come yet; for our dirt +down here is as I may say clean dirt, and d------me if I don't think it +looks all the better for it.” + +“Thank you, my friend,” said Bob; “that will do very well,” and the +landlord having by this time completed his cookery, produced the good +stuff, as Martlet termed it. + +“Come, gentlemen, this is the real right sort, nothing but the bang-up +article, arn't it, my master? But as I always likes the landlord to +taste it first, by way of setting a good example, just be after telling +us what you think of it.” + +“With all my heart,” said the landlord; who declared it was as prime a +pot of hot as he had made for the last fortnight. . + +With this recommendation our friends tried it; and after tipping, took +their departure, under the positive assurance of Martlet, that he should +be very glad to see them again at any time. + +They now pursued their way through other subterraneous passages, where +they met waggons, carts, and horses, apparently as actively and usefully +employed as those above ground. + +“Come,” said Tom, “we have suffered time to steal a inarch upon us,” as +they reached the Strand; “we will therefore take the first” _rattler_ +we can meet with, and make the best of our way for the City.”--This +was soon accomplished, and jumping into the coach, the old _Jarvey_ +was desired to drive them as expeditiously as possible to the corner of +King-street, Cheapside.~~209~~~ + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + “How wretched those who tasteless live, + And say this world no joys can give: + Why tempts yon turtle sprawling, + Why smoaks the glorious haunch, + Are these not joys still calling + To bless our mortal paunch? + O 'tis merry in the Hall + When beards wag all, + What a noise and what a din; + How they glitter round the chin; + Give me fowl and give me fish, + Now for some of that nice dish; + Cut me this, Sir, cut me that, + Send me crust, and send me fat. + Some for tit bits pulling hauling, + + Legs, wings, breast, head,--some for liquor, scolding, bawling, + Hock, port, white, red, here 'tis cramming, cutting, slashing, + There the grease and gravy splashing, + Look, Sir, look, Sir, what you've done, + Zounds, you've cut off the Alderman's thumb.” + +The Hon. Tom Dashall, who was fully aware that City appointments for +twelve o'clock mean one, was nevertheless anxious to arrive at their +place of destination some time before the commencement of the business +of the day; and fortunately meeting with no obstruction on the road, +they were set down at the corner of King-street, about half-past twelve. + +“Come,” said he, “we shall now have time to look about us at leisure, +and observe the beauties of this place of civic festivity. The Hall you +see in front of you, is the place devoted to the entertainment usually +given by the Lord Mayor on his entrance upon the duties and dignities of +his office. It is a fine gothic building, in which the various courts +of the city are held. The citizens also meet there for the purpose of +choosing their representatives in Parliament, the Lord Mayor, Sheriffs, +&c. It was originally built in the year 1411, previous to which period +the public, or as they term it the Common Hall, was held at a small room +in Aldermanbury. + +~~210~~~ The expense Of the building was defrayed by voluntary +subscription, and its erection occupied twenty years. It was seriously +damaged by the fire of 1666, since which the present edifice, with the +exception of the new gothic front, has been erected. That, however, +was not finished till the year 1789, and many internal improvements and +decorations have been introduced since. There is not much of attraction +in its outward appearance. That new building on the right has recently +been erected for the accommodation of Meetings of Bankrupts; and on the +left is the Justice-Room, where the Aldermen attend daily in rotation as +magistrates to decide petty causes; but we must not exhaust our time now +upon them.” + +On entering the Hall, Tallyho appeared to be highly pleased with its +extent, and was presently attracted by the monuments which it contains. +“It is a noble room,” said he.--“Yes,” replied Tom, “this Hall is +153 feet in length, 48 in breadth, and the height to the roof is 55.” + Tallyho was, however, more engaged in examining the monument erected to +the memory of Lord Nelson, and an occasional glance at the two enormous +figures who stand at opposites, on the left of the entrance.--Having +read the tablet, and admired the workmanship of the former, he hastily +turned to the latter. “And who in the name of wonder are these?” he +inquired. + +“These,” replied his communicative Cousin, “are called _Gog_ and +_Magog_. They are two ancient giants carved in wood, one holding a +long staff suspending a ball stuck with pikes, and the other a halbert, +supposed to be of great antiquity, and to represent an ancient Briton +and a Saxon. They formerly used to stand on each side of that staircase +which leads to the Chamberlain's Office, the Courts of King's Bench and +Common Pleas, the Court of Aldermen, and the Common Council Chamber. At +the other end are two fine monuments, to the memory of Lord Chatham, the +father of Mr. Pitt, and his Son. The windows are fine specimens of +the revived art of painting on glass. There is also a monument of Mr. +Beckford.” + +While they were taking a view of these several objects of curiosity, +their attention was suddenly attracted by a confused noise and bustle +at the door, which announced the arrival of the Lord Mayor and his +attendants, who passed them in state, and were followed by our friends +to the Council Chamber; on entering which, they were ~~211~~~ directed +by the City Marshall, who guarded the door, to keep below the bar. +Tallyho gazed with admiration and delight on the numerous pictures with +which the Chamber is decorated, as well as the ceiling, which forms, a +dome, with a skylight in the centre. The Lord Mayor having first entered +the Court of Aldermen, the business of the day had not yet commenced. +Tom directed his Cousin's eye in the first instance to the very large +and celebrated painting by Copley, which fronts the Lord Mayor's +chair, and represents the destruction of the floating batteries before +Gibraltar, to commemorate the gallant defence of that place by General +Elliott, afterwards Lord Heath field, in 1782. The statue of the late +King George the Third; the death of David Rizzio, by Opie; the miseries +of Civil War, from Shakespeare; Domestic Happiness, exemplified in +portraits of an Alderman and his family; the death of Wat Tyler; the +representation of the Procession of the Lord Mayor to Westminster Hall, +by water; and the ceremony of swearing in the Lord Mayor at Guildhall, +in 1781; containing portraits of all the principal members of the +Corporation of London at that time. Meanwhile the benches were filling +with the Deputies and Common Councilmen from their several wards. At one +o'clock, the Lord Mayor entered the Court, attended by several Aldermen, +who took their seats around him, and the business of the day commenced. +Among those on the upper seats, Tom gave his Cousin to understand which +were the most popular of the Aldermen, and named in succession Messrs. +Waithman, Wood, Sir Claudius Stephen Hunter, Birch, Flower, and Curtis; +and as their object was not so much to hear the debates as to see the +form and know the characters, he proposed an adjournment from their +present rather uncomfortable situation, where they were obliged to stand +wedged in, by the crowd continually increasing, during which they could +take a few more observations, and he could give some little clue to the +origin and present situations of the persons to whom he had directed his +Cousin's attention. Making the best of their way out of the Court, they +found themselves in an anti-room, surrounded by marshalmen, beadles of +Wards waiting for their Aldermen, and the Lord Mayor's and Sheriffs' +footmen, finding almost as much difficulty to proceed, as they had +before encountered. + +~~212~~~ Having struggled through this formidable phalanx of judicial +and state appendages, + +“Now,” said Dashall, “we shall be enabled to breathe again at liberty, +and make our observations without fear; for where we have just quitted, +there is scarcely any possibility of making a remark without having it +snapped up by newspaper reporters, and retailers of anecdotes; here, +however, we can indulge _ad libitum_.” + +“Yes,” replied Tallyho, “and having seen thus far, I am a little +inquisitive to know more. I have, it is true, at times seen the names +of the parties you pointed out to me in the daily prints, but a sight of +their persons in their official stations excites stronger curiosity.” + +“Then,” said Tom, “according to promise I will give you a sort of +brief sketch of some of them. The present Lord Mayor is a very eminent +wholesale stationer, carrying on an extensive trade in Queen-street; +he ought to have filled the chair before this, but some temporary +circumstances relative to his mercantile concerns induced him to give up +his rotation. He has since removed the obstacle, and has been elected +by his fellow-citizens to the high and important office of Chief +Magistrate. I believe he has not signalized himself by any remarkable +circumstance, but he has the character of being a worthy man. Perhaps +there are few in the Court of Aldermen who have obtained more deservedly +the esteem of the Livery of London, than Alderman Waithman, whose +exertions have long been directed to the correction of abuses, and who +represented them as one of their members during the last Parliament, +when he displaced the mighty Alderman Curtis. Waithman is of humble +origin, and has, like many others of Civic notoriety, worked his way +by perseverance and integrity as a linen-draper, to respectable +independence, and the hearts of his fellow-citizens: he has served the +office of Sheriff, and during that time acted with a becoming spirit at +the death of the late Queen, by risking his own life to save others. His +political sentiments are on the opposition side, consequently he is no +favorite with ministers.” + +“And if he were,” replied Tallyho, “that would scarcely be considered an +honour.” + +“True,” continued Tom, “but then it might lead to profit, as it has done +with many others, though he appears to hold such very light. + +~~213~~~ “Alderman Wood has not yet been so fortunate as the celebrated +Whittington, whom you may recollect was thrice Lord Mayor of London; but +he has had the honour to serve that office during two succeeding years: +he is a member of Parliament, and his exertions in behalf of the late +Queen, if they have done him no great deal of good among the higher +powers, are at least honourable to his heart. + +“Of Sir Claudius Stephen Hunter there is but little to be said, +except that he has served the office, and been a Colonel of the City +Militia--led off the ball at a Jew's wedding--used to ride a white +charger--and is so passionately fond of military parade, that had +he continued another year in the office, the age of chivalry would +certainly have been revived in the East, and knights-errant and esquires +have completely superseded merchants, traders, and shopkeepers. + +“Alderman Birch is an excellent pastry-cook, and that perhaps is the +best thing that can be said of him: he has written some dramatic pieces; +but the pastry is beyond all comparison best of the two, and he needs no +other passport to fame, at least with his fellow-citizens. + +“But last, though not least, under our present consideration, comes the +renowned Sir William, a plain bluff John Bull; he is said to be the +son of a presbyterian citizen, and was rigidly educated in his father's +religion. He obtained the alderman's gown, and represented the City in +the year 1790: he is a good natured, and, I believe, a good hearted man +enough, though he has long been a subject for satirical wit. He was Lord +Mayor in 1796: you may recollect what was related of him by the literary +labourer we met with in the Park--anecdotes and caricatures have been +published in abundance upon him: he may, however, be considered in +various points of view--as an alderman and a biscuit baker--as a +fisherman “-- + +“How!” cried Tallyho! + +“Why, as a fisherman, he is the Polyphemus of his time. + + “His rod was made out of the strongest oak, + His line a cable which no storm e'er broke, + His hook was baited with a dragon's tail, + He sat upon a rock and bobb'd for a whale.” + +“Besides which,” continued Dashall, “he is a great sailor; has a yacht +of his own, and generally accompanies + +~~214~~~ Royalty on aquatic excursions. I remember a laughable +caricature, exhibiting the alderman in his own vessel, with a turtle +suspended on a pole, with the following lines, in imitation of +Black-eyed Susan, said to be written by Mr. Jekyll:-- + + “All in the Downs the fleet lay moor'd, + The streamers waving in the wind, + When Castlereagh appeared on board, + 'Ah where shall I my Curtis find. + Tell me ye jovial sailors, tell me true, + Does my fat William sail among your crew.'” + +He is a banker, a loan-monger, and a contractor, a member of Parliament, +and an orator; added to which, he may be said to be a man of wit +and humour--at all events he is the cause of it in others. His first +occupations have procured him great wealth, and his wit and humour great +fame. + +“The worthy Alderman's hospitality to the late good humoured and +gossiping James Boswell, the humble follower and biographer of Dr. +Johnson, is well known; and it is probable that the pleasures of the +table, in which no man more joyously engaged, shortened his life. To +write the life of a great man is no easy task, and to write that of a +big one may be no less arduous. Whether the Alderman really expected to +be held up to future fame by the Biographer of Johnson, cannot be +very easily ascertained; however that wish and expectation, if it ever +existed, was completely frustrated by the death of poor Boswell. + +“I recollect to have seen some lines of the worthy Alderman, on the +glorious victory of the Nile, which shew at once his patriotism, his +wit, and his resolution, in that he is not to be laughed out of the +memorable toast he once gave-- + + “Great Nelson, in the grandest stile, + Bore down upon the shores of Nile, + And there obtained a famous victory, + Which puzzled much the French Directory. + The impudence of them there fellows, + As all the newspapers do tell us, + Had put the grand Turk in a pet, + Which caus'd him send to Nelson an aigrette; + Likewise a grand pelisse, a noble boon-- + Then let us hope--a speedy peace and soon.”{1} + + 1 Whether the following lines are from the same hand or not, + we are unable to ascertain; at least they wear a great + similarity of character: + + I give you the three glorious C's. + + Our Church, Constitution, and King; + Then fill up three bumpers to three noble Vs. + Wine, Women, and Whale fish-ing. + +~~215~~~ “Egad,” said Bob, “if this be true, he appears to knock up +rhymes almost as well as he could bake biscuits” (smothering a laugh.) + +“Why,” replied Dashall, “I believe that it has not been positively +ascertained that these lines, which unlike other poetry, contain no +fiction, but plain and undeniable matter of fact, were wholly indicated +by the worthy Alderman; indeed it is not impossible but that his +worship's barber might have had a hand in their composition. It would +be hard indeed, if in his operations upon the Alderman's pericranium, +he should not have absorbed some of the effluvia of the wit and genius +contained therein; and in justice to this operator on his chin and +caput, I ought to give you a specimen which was produced by him upon the +election of his Lordship to the Mayoralty-- + + “Our present Mayor is William Curtis, + A man of weight and that your sort is.” + +“This epigrammatic distich, which cannot be said to be destitute of +point, upon being read at table, received, as it deserved, a large share +of commendation; and his Lordship declared to the company present, that +it had not taken his barber above three hours to produce it extempore.” + +Tallyho laughed heartily at these satirical touches upon the poor +Alderman. + +“However,” continued Tom, “a man with plenty of money can bear laughing +at, and sometimes laughs at himself, though I suspect he will hardly +laugh or produce a laugh in others, by what he stated in his seat in +the House of Commons, on the subject of the riots{1} at Knightsbridge. +I suspect his wit and good humour will hardly protect him in that +instance.” + + 1 On a motion made by Mr. Favell in the Court of Common + Council, on the 21st of March, the following resolution was + passed, indicative of the opinion that Court entertained of + the conduct of Alderman Curtis on the occasion here alluded + to: + + “That Sir William Curtis, Bart, having acknowledged in his + place in this Court, that a certain speech now read was + delivered by him in the House of Commons, in which, among + other matters which he stated respecting the late riot at + Knightsbridge, he said, 'That he had been anxious that a + Committee should investigate this question, because he + wished to let the world know the real character of this + Great Common Council, who were always meddling with matters + which they had nothing to do with, and which were far above + their wisdom and energy. It was from such principles they + had engaged in the recent inquiry, which he would contend + they had no right to enter upon. Not only was evidence + selected, but questions were put to draw such answers as the + party putting them desired.' + + “That the conduct of Sir William Curtis, one of the repre- + sentatives of this City in Parliament, lias justly merited + the censure and indignation of this Court and of his fellow + Citizens.” + +~~216~~~ After taking a cursory look into the Chamberlain's Office, the +Court of King's Bench and Common Pleas, they took their departure from +Guildhall, very well satisfied with their morning's excursion. + +It was between three and four o'clock when our friends left the Hall. +Tom Dashalt, being upon the qui vive, determined to give his Cousin a +chevy for the remainder of the day; and for this purpose, it being on +a Friday, he proposed a stroll among the Prad-sellers in Smithfield, +where, after partaking of a steak and a bottle at Dolly's, they +accordingly repaired. + +“You will recollect,” said Tom, “that you passed through Smithfield +(which is our principal cattle market) during the time of Bartholomew +Fair; but you will now find it in a situation so different, that you +would scarcely know it for the same place: you will now see it full +of horse-jockeys, publicans, pugilists, and lads upon the lark like +ourselves, who having no real business either in the purchase or sale of +the commodities of the market, are watching the manners and manouvres of +those who have.” + +As Tom was imparting this piece of information to his attentive Cousin, +they were entering Smithfield by the way of Giltspur-street, and were +met by a man having much the appearance of a drover, who by the dodging +movements of his stick directly before their eyes, inspired our friends +so strongly with the idea of some animal being behind them which they +could not see, and from which danger was to be apprehended, that they +suddenly broke from each other, and fled forward for safety, at which +a roar of laughter ensued from the byestanders, who ~~217~~~ perceiving +the hoax, recommended the dandies to take care they did not dirty their +boots, or get near the hoofs of the _prancing prads_, Tom was not much +disconcerted at this effort of practical jocularity, though his Cousin +seemed to have but little relish for it. + +“Come along,” said Tom, catching him by the arm, and impelling him +forward, “although this is not Bartholomew Fair time, you must consider +all fair at the horse-fair, unless you are willing to put up with a +horse-laugh.” + +Struggling through crowds who appeared to be buying, selling, or +bargaining for the lame, the broken winded, and spavined prads of +various sizes, prices, and pretensions, + +“There is little difference,” said Tom, “between this place as a market +for horses, and any similar mart in the kingdom, + + Here the friend and the brother + Meet to humbug each other, + +except that perhaps a little more refinement on the arts of gulling +may be found; and it is no very uncommon thing for a stolen nag to +be offered for sale in this market almost before the knowledge of his +absence is ascertained by the legal owner.--I have already given you +some information on the general character of horse-dealers during our +visit to Tattersal's; but every species of trick and low chicanery is +practised, of which numerous instances might be produced; and though I +admit good horses are sometimes to be purchased here, it requires a +man to be perfectly upon his guard as to who he deals with, and how he +deals, although the regulations of the market are, generally speaking, +good.” + +“I wouldn't have him at no price,” said a costermonger, who it appeared +was bargaining for a donkey; “the h------y sulkey b------ von't budge, +he's not vorth a fig out of a horses------.” + +“I knows better as that 'are,” cried a chimney-sweeper; “for no better +an't no vare to be had; he's long backed and strong legged. Here, Bill, +you get upon him, and give him rump steaks, and he'll run like the devil +a'ter a parson.” + +Here Bill, a little blear-eyed chimney-sweeper, mounted the poor animal, +and belaboured him most unmercifully, without producing any other effect +than kicking up behind, and most effectually placing poor Bill in the + +~~218~~~ mud, to the great discomfiture of the donkey seller, and the +mirth of the spectators. The animal brayed, the byestanders laughed, and +the bargain, like poor Bill, was off. + +After a complete turn round Smithfield, hearing occasionally the +chaffing of its visitants, and once or twice being nearly run over, +they took their departure from this scene of bustle, bargaining, and +confusion, taking their way down King-street, up Holborn Hill, and along +Great Queen-street. + +“Now,” said Tom, “we will have a look in at Covent Garden Theatre; the +Exile is produced there with great splendour. The piece is certainly got +up in a style of the utmost magnificence, and maintains its ground in +the theatre rather upon that score than its really interesting dialogue, +though some of the scenes are well worked up, and have powerful claims +upon approbation. The original has been altered, abridged, and (by some +termed) amended, in order to introduce a gorgeous coronation, a popular +species of entertainment lately.” + +Upon entering the theatre, Tallyho was almost riveted in attention +to the performance, and the latter scene closed upon him with all its +splendid pageantry before he discovered that his Cousin had given him +the slip, and a dashing cyprian of the first order was seated at his +elbow, with whom entering into a conversation, the minutes were not +measured till Dashall's return, who perceiving he was engaged, appeared +inclined to retire, and leave the cooing couple to their apparently +agreeable tete-a-tete. Bob, however, observing him, immediately wished +his fair incognita good night, and joined his Cousin. + +“D------d dull,” said Tom,--“all weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable.” + +“But very grand,” rejoined Bob. + +“I have found nothing to look at,” replied Tom; “I have hunted every +part of the House, and only seen two persons I know.” + +“And I,” said Tallyho, “have been all the while looking at the piece.” + +“Which piece do you mean, the one beside you, or the one before you?” + +“The performance--The Coronation.” + +“I have had so much of that,” said Tom, “that finding you so close in +attention to the stage, that I could get no ~~219~~~ opportunity of +speaking to you, I have been hunting for other game, and have almost +wearied myself in the pursuit without success; so that I am for quitting +the premises, and making a call at a once celebrated place near at hand, +which used to be called the Finish. Come along, therefore, unless you +have 'mettle more attractive;' perhaps you have some engagements?” + +“None upon earth to supersede the one I have with you,” was the reply. +Upon which they left the House, and soon found themselves in Covent +Garden Market. “This,” said Tom, “has been the spot of many larks and +sprees of almost all descriptions, ana election wit has been as cheap +in the market as any of the vegetables of the venders; but I am going +to take you to a small house that has in former times been the resort of +the greatest wits of the age. Sheridan, Fox, and others of their time, +have not disdained to be its inmates, nor is it now deserted by the +votaries of genius, though considerably altered, and conducted in +a different manner: it still, however, affords much amusement and +accommodation. It was formerly well known by the appellation of the +_Finish_, and was not opened till a late hour in the night, and, as at +the present moment, is generally shut up between 11 and 12 o'clock, +and re-opened for the accommodation of the market people at 4 in the +morning. The most respectable persons resident in the neighbourhood +assemble to refresh themselves after the labours of the day with a glass +of ale, spirits, or wine, as they draw no porter. The landlord is a +pleasant fellow enough, and there is a pretty neat dressing young lass +in the bar, whom I believe to be his sister--this is the house.” + +“House,” said Bob, “why this is a deviation from the customary buildings +of London; it appears to have no up stairs rooms.” + +“Never mind that,” continued Dashall, “there is room enough for us, I +dare say; and after your visit to the Woolpack, I suppose you can stand +smoke, if you can't stand fire.” + +By this time they had entered the Carpenter's Arms, when turning short +round the bar, they found themselves in a small room, pretty well filled +with company, enjoying their glasses, and puffing their pipes: in the +right hand corner sat an undertaker, who having just obtained a victory +over his opposite neighbour, was humming a stave ~~220~~~ to himself +indicative of his satisfaction at the result of the contest, which it +afterwards appeared was for two mighty's;{1} while his opponent was +shrugging up his shoulders with a feeling of a very different kind. + +“It's of no use,” said Jemmy,{2} as they called him, “for you to enter +the lists along with me, for you know very well I must have you at +last.” + +“And no doubt it will prove a good fit,” said an elderly shoemaker +of respectable appearance, who seemed to command the reverence of the +company, “for all of us are subject to the _pinch_.” + +“There's no certainty of his assertion, however,” replied the +unsuccessful opponent of Jemmy. + +“Surely not,”{3} said another most emphatically, taking a pinch of +snuff, and offering it to the shoemaker; “for you know Jemmy may come to +the finch before John.” + + 1 “Mighty.”--This high sounding title has recently been + given to a full glass of ale,--the usual quantity of what is + termed a glass being half a pint, generally supplied in a + large glass which would hold more--and which when filled is + consequently subjected to an additional charge. + + 2 To those who are in the habit of frequenting the house, + this gentleman will immediately be known, as he usually + smokes his pipe there of an afternoon and evening. + + “With his friend and his pipe puffing sorrow away, And with + honest old stingo still soaking his clay.” + + With a certain demonstration before him of the mortality of + human life, he deposits the bodies of his friends and + neighbours in the earth, and buries the recollection of them + in a cloud, determined, it should seem, to verify the words + of the song, that + + “The right end of life is to live and be jolly.” + + His countenance and manners seldom fail to excite + risibility, not-withstanding the solemnity of his calling, + and there can be little doubt but he is the finisher of + many, after the Finish; he is, however, generally good + humoured, communicative, and facetious, and seldom refuses + to see any person in company for a mighty, usually + concluding the result with a mirthful ditty, or a doleful + countenance, according to the situation in which he is left + as a winner or a loser; and in either case accompanied with + a brightness of visage, or a dull dismal countenance, + indicative of the event, which sets description at defiance, + and can only be judged of by being seen. + + 3 “Surely not,” are words in such constant use by one + gentleman who is frequently to be met in this room, that the + character alluded to can scarcely be mistaken: he is partial + to a pinch of snuff, but seldom carries a box of his own. He + is a resident in the neighbour-hood, up to snuff, and + probably, like other men, sometimes snuffy; this, however, + without disparagement to his general character, which is + that of a respectable tradesman. He is fond of a lark, a + bit of gig, and an argument; has a partiality for good + living, a man of feeling, and a dealer in felt, who wishes + every one to wear the cap that fits him. + +~~221~~~ “Never mind,” continued Jemmy, “I take my chance in this life, +and sing _toll de roll loll_.” + +By this time our friends, being supplied with mighties, joined in the +laugh which was going round at the witty sallies of the speakers. + +“It is possible I may go first,” said the undertaker, resuming his pipe; +“and if I should, I can't help it.” + +“Surely not,--but I tell you what, Jemmy, if you are not afraid, I'll +see you for two more mighties before I go, and I summons you to shew +cause.” + +“D------n your summons,”{1} cried the former unsuccessful opponent of +the risible undertaker, who at the word summons burst into a hearty +laugh, in which he was immediately joined by all but the last speaker. + +“The summons is a sore place,” said Jemmy. + +“Surely not. I did not speak to him, I spoke to you, Sir; and I have a +right to express myself as I please: if that gentleman has an antipathy +to a summons, am I to be tongue-tied? Although he may sport with +sovereigns, he must be accountable to plebeians; and if I summons you to +shew cause, I see no reason why he should interrupt our conversation.” + + 1 “D-----n your summons.” This, as one of the company + afterwards remarked, was a sore place, and uttered at a + moment when the irritation was strong on the affected part. + The speaker is a well known extensive dealer in the pottery, + Staffordshire, and glass line, who a short time since in a + playful humour caught a sovereign, tossed up by another + frequenter of the room, and passed it to a third. The + original possessor sought restitution from the person who + took the sovereign from his hand, but was referred to the + actual possessor, but refused to make the application. The + return of the money was formally demanded of the man of + porcelain, pitchers, and pipkins, without avail. In this + state of things the loser obtained a summons against the + taker, and the result, as might be expected, was compulsion + to restore the lost sovereign to the loving subject, + together with the payment of the customary expenses, a + circumstance which had the effect of causing great anger in + the mind of the dealer in brittle wares. Whether he broke + any of the valuable articles in his warehouse in consequence + has not been ascertained, but it appears for a time to have + broken a friendship between the parties concerned: such + breaches, however, are perhaps easier healed than broken or + cracked crockery. + +~~222~~~ “Surely not,” was reverberated round the room, accompanied with +a general laugh against the interrupter, who seizing the paper, appeared +to read without noticing what was passing. + +The company was now interrupted by the entrance of several strangers, +and our two friends departed on their return homeward for the evening. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + “Roam where you will, o'er London's wide domains, + The mind new source of various feeling gains; + Explore the giddy town, its squares, its streets, + The 'wildered eye still fresh attraction greets; + Here spires and towers in countless numbers rise, + And lift their lofty summits to the skies; + Wilt thou ascend? then cast thine eyes below, + And view the motley groupes of joy and woe: + Lo! they whom Heaven with affluence hath blest, + Scowl with cold contumely on those distrest; + And Pleasure's maze the wealthy caitiffs thread, + While care-worn Merit asks in vain for bread; + Yet short their weal or woe, a general doom + On all awaits,--oblivion in the tomb!” + +~~223~~~ Our heros next morning determined on a visit to their +Hibernian friend and his aunt, whom they found had not yet forgot the +entertainment at the Mansion-house, and which still continued to be the +favorite topic of conversation. Sir Felix expressed his satisfaction +that the worthy Citizens of London retained with increasing splendor +their long established renown of pre-eminent distinction in the art of +good living. + +“And let us hope,” said Dashall, “that they will not at any future +period be reduced to the lamentable necessity of restraining the +progress of epicurism, as in the year 1543, when the Lord Mayor and +Common Council enacted a sumptuary law to prevent luxurious eating; by +which it was ordered, that the Mayor should confine himself to seven, +Aldermen and Sheriffs to six, and the Sword-bearer to four dishes +at dinner or supper, under the penalty of forty shillings for each +supernumerary dish!” + +“A law,” rejoined the Baronet, “which voluptuaries of the present +times would find more difficult of observance than any enjoined by the +decalogue.” + +The Squire suggested the expediency of a similar enactment, with a +view to productive results; for were the ~~224~~~ wealthy citizens (he +observed) prohibited the indulgence of luxurious eating, under certain +penalties, the produce would be highly beneficial to the civic treasury. + +The Fine Arts claiming a priority of notice, the party determined on +visiting a few of the private and public Exhibitions. + +London is now much and deservedly distinguished for the cultivation of +the fine arts. The commotions on the continent operated as a hurricane +on the productions of + +genius, and the finest works of ancient and modern times ave been +removed from their old situations to the asylum afforded by the wooden +walls of Britain. Many of them have, therefore, been consigned to this +country, and are now in the collections of our nobility and gentry, +chiefly in and about the metropolis. + +Although France may possess the greatest number of the larger works of +the old masters, yet England undoubtedly possesses the greatest portion +of their first-rate productions, which is accounted for by the great +painters exerting all their talents on such pictures as were not too +large to be actually painted by their own hands, while in their larger +works they resorted to inferior assistance. Pictures, therefore, of this +kind, being extremely valuable, and at the same time portable, England, +during the convulsions on the Continent, was the only place where such +paintings could obtain a commensurate price. Such is the wealth of +individuals in this country, that some of these pictures now described, +belonging to private collections, were purchased at the great prices of +ten and twelve thousand guineas each. + +Amongst the many private collections of pictures, statues, &c. in +the metropolis, that of the Marquis of Stafford, called the Cleveland +Gallery, is the most prominent, being the finest collection of the old +masters in England, and was principally selected from the works that +formerly composed the celebrated Orleans Gallery, and others, which at +the commencement of the French revolution were brought to this country. +Thither, then, our tourists directed their progress, and through the +mediation of Dashall access was obtained without difficulty. + +The party derived much pleasure in the inspection of this collection, +which contains two or three fine pictures of Raphael, several by Titian +and the Caracas, some ~~225~~~ capital productions of the Dutch and +Flemish schools, and some admirable productions of the English school, +particularly two by Wilson, one by Turner, and one by Vobson, amounting, +in the whole, to 300 first-rate pictures by the first masters, admirably +distributed in the new gallery, the drawing-room, the Poussin room +(containing eight chef d'oeuvres of that painter), the passage-room, +dining-room, old anti-room, old gallery, and small room. The noble +proprietor has liberally appropriated one day in the week for the public +to view these pictures. The curiosity of.the visitors being now +amply gratified, they retired, Sir Felix much pleased with the polite +attention of the domestic who conducted them through the different +apartments, to whom Miss Macgilligan offered a gratuity, but the +acceptance of which was, with courteous acknowledgments, declined. + +Proceeding to the house of Mr. Angerstein, Pall Mall, our party obtained +leave to inspect a collection, not numerous, but perhaps the most select +of any in London, and which has certainly been formed at the greatest +expense in proportion to its numbers. Among its principal ornaments are +four of the finest landscapes by Claude; the Venus and Adonis, and +the Ganymede, by Titian, from the Colonna palace at Rome; a very fine +landscape by Poussin, and other works by Velasquez, Rubens, Murillo, +and Vandyck: to all which is added the invaluable series of Hogarth's +Marriage-a-la-mode. + +Returning along Pall-Mall, our perambulators now reached the Gallery of +the British Institution; a Public Exhibition, established in the year +1805, under the patronage of his late Majesty, for the encouragement and +reward of the talents of British artists, exhibiting during half of the +year a collection of the works of living artists for sale; and during +the other half year, it is furnished with pictures painted by the most +celebrated masters, for the study of the academic and other pupils in +painting. The Institution, now patronised by his present Majesty, is +supported by the subscriptions of the principal nobility and gentry, and +the number of pictures sold under their influence is very considerable. +The gallery was first opened on April 17, 1806. + +In 1813, the public were gratified by a display of the best works of +Sir Joshua Reynolds, collected by the industry and influence of the +committee, from the private ~~226~~~ collections of the royal family, +nobility, and gentry; and in 1814, by a collection of 221 pictures of +those inimitable painters, Hogarth, Gainsborough, and Wilson.{1} + + + 1 That the Fine Arts engaged not a little of the attention + of the British Public during the late reign, is a fact too + notorious to require proof. The establishment of the Royal + Academy, in 1768, and its consequent yearly Exhibitions, + awakened the observation or stimulated the vanity of the + easy and the affluent, of the few who had taste, and of the + many who were eager to be thought the possessors of it, to a + subject already honoured by the solicitude of the sovereign. + A considerable proportion of the public was thus induced to + talk of painting and painters, and to sit for a portrait + soon became the fashion; a fashion, strange to say, which + has lasted ever since. Whether the talents of Sir Joshua + Reynolds as a painter, were alone the cause of his high + reputation, may, however, admit of a doubt. From an early + period of life, he had the good fortune to be associated in + friendship with several of the most eminent literary + characters of the age; amongst whom there were some whose + high rank and personal consequence in the country greatly + assisted him to realize one leading object which he had in + view, that of uniting in himself (perhaps for the first time + in the person of an English painter) the artist and the man + of fashion. From his acknowledged success in the attainment + of this object, tending as it did to the subversion of + ancient prejudices degrading to art, what beneficial effects + might not have resulted, had the President exerted his + influence to sustain the dignity of the artist in others! + But satisfied with the place in society which he himself had + gained, he left the rest of the Academy to follow his + example, if they could, seldom or never mixing with them in + company, and contenting himself with the delivery of an + annual lecture to the students. Genius is of spontaneous + growth, but education, independence, and never-ceasing + opportunity, are necessary to its full developement. + +Since then they have regularly two annual exhibitions; one, of the best +works of the old masters, for the improvement of the public taste, +and knowledge of the artists, varied by some of the deceased British +artists, alternately with that on their old plan of the exhibition and +sale of the works of living artists. + +The directors of this laudable Institution have also exhibited and +procured the loan for study, of one or two of the inimitable cartoons +of Raphael for their students. An annual private exhibition of their +studies also takes place yearly; the last of which displayed such a +degree of merit as no society or academy in Europe could equal. + +Sir Felix, who on a former occasion had expressed a wish to acquire the +art of verse-writing, was so much satisfied with his inspection of this +exhibition, that he ~~227~~~became equally emulous of attaining the +sister-art of painting; but Dashall requested him to suspend at present +his choice, as perhaps he might alternately prefer the acquisition of +music. + +“In that case,” rejoined the Baronet, “I must endeavour to acquire the +knack of rhyming extempore, that I may accompany the discordant music +with correspondent doggerels to the immortal memory of the heroic +achievements of my revered Aunt's mighty progenitor--O'Brien king of +Ulster.” + +This expression of contempt cast by the Baronet on the splendor of the +ancient provincial sovereign of the north, had nearly created an open +rupture between his aunt and him. Tallyho, however, happily succeeded +in effecting an amnesty for the past, on promise under his guarantee of +amendment for the future. + +The party now migrated by Spring Garden Gate into the salubrious regions +of St. James's Park, and crossing its eastern extremity, took post of +observation opposite the Horse Guards, an elegant building of stone, +that divides Parliament-street from St. James's Park, to which it is +the principal entrance. The architect was Ware, and the building cost +upwards of £30,000. It derives its name from the two regiments of Life +Guards (usually called the Horse Guards) mounting guard there. + +“Here is transacted,” said Dashall, “all the business of the +British army in a great variety of departments, consisting of the +Commander-in-Chief's Office,--the Offices of the Secretary-at-War,--the +Adjutant-General's Office,--the Quarter-Master-General's +Office,--besides the Orderly Rooms for the three regiments of Foot +Guards, whose arms are kept here. These three regiments, containing +about 7000 men, including officers, and two regiments of Horse Guards, +consisting together of 1200 men, at once serve as appendages to the +King's royal state, and form a general military establishment for the +metropolis. A body called the Yeomen of the Guard, consisting of 100 +men, remains a curious relic of the dress of the King's guards in the +fifteenth century. Some Light Horse are stationed at the Barracks in +Hyde Park, to attend his Majesty, or other members of the Royal Family, +chiefly in travelling; and to do duty on occasions immediately connected +with the King's administration. + +~~228~~~ “On the left is the Admiralty (anciently Wallingford House), +containing the offices and apartments of the Lords Commissioners who +superintend the marine department of this mighty empire. + +“On the right is the Treasury and Secretary of State's Offices. Here, +in fact, is performed the whole State business of the British Empire. In +one building is directed the movements of those fleets, whose thunders +rule every sea, and strike terror into every nation. In the centre is +directed the energies of an army, hitherto invincible in the field, +and which, number for number, would beat any other army in the world. +Adjoining are the executive departments with relation to civil and +domestic concerns, to foreign nations, and to our exterior colonies. And +to finish the groupe, here is that wonderful Treasury, which receives +and pays above a hundred millions per annum.” + +Entering Parliament-street from the Horse-Guards, our perambulators now +proceeded to Westminster-bridge,{1} which passing, they paid a visit to +Coade and Sealy's Gallery of Artificial Stone, Westminster-bridge-road. + + 1 Westminster Bridge. This bridge was built between the + years 1730 and 1750, and cost £389,000. It is 1223 feet + long, and 44 feet wide; containing 14 piers, and 13 large + and two small semicircular arches; and has on its top 28 + semi-octangular towers, twelve of which are covered with + half domes. The two middle piers contain each 3000 solid + feet, or 200 tons of Portland stone. The middle arch is 76 + feet wide, the two next 72 feet, and the last 25 feet. The + free-water way between the piers is 870 feet. This bridge is + esteemed one of the most beautiful in the world. Every part + is fully and properly supported, and there is no false + bearing or false joint throughout the whole structure; as a + remarkable proof of which, we may quote the extraordinary + echo of its corresponding towers, a person in one being able + to hear the whispers of a person opposite, though at the + distance of nearly 50 feet. + +This place contains a great variety of elegant models from the antique +and modern masters, of statues, busts, vases, pedestals, monuments, +architectural and sculptural decorations, modelled and baked on a +composition harder and more durable than any stone. + +Animadverting on the utility of this work combining the taste of +elegance with the advantage of permanent wear, the two friends, Tom and +Bob, recollected having seen, in their rambles through the metropolis, +many specimens of the perfection of this ingenious art, particularly at +Carlton-House, the Pelican Office, Lombard-street, and almost all the +public halls. The statues of the four ~~229~~~quarters of the world, +and others at the Bank, at the Admiralty, Trinity House, Tower-hill, +Somerset-place, the Theatres; and almost every street presents objects, +(some of 20 years standing,) as perfect as when put up. + +Retracing their steps homewards, our pedestrians again crossed the +Park, and finding themselves once more in Spring Gardens, entered the +Exhibition Rooms of the Society of Painters in Water Colours. + +This, beyond any other gratification of the morning, pleased the party +the most. The vivid tints of the various well-executed landscapes had a +pleasing effect, and wore more the appearance of nature than any similar +display of the fascinating art which they had hitherto witnessed. + +This Society, which was formed in 1804, for the purpose of giving due +emphasis to an interesting branch of art that was lost in the blaze of +Somerset-House, where water-colours, however beautiful, harmonized so +badly with paintings in oil, has, in its late exhibitions, deviated from +its original and legitimate object, and has mixed with its own exquisite +productions various pictures in oil. + +The last annual exhibition of painting in oil and water colours, was +as brilliant and interesting as any former one, and afforded unmixed +pleasure to every visitor. + +One more attraction remained in Spring Gardens, which Tom, who had +all the morning very ably performed the double duty of conductor and +explainer, proposed the company's visiting;--“That is,” said he, +“Wigley's Promenade Rooms, where are constantly on exhibition various +objects of curiosity.” + +Thither then they repaired, and were much pleased with two very +extraordinary productions of ingenuity, the first Mr. Theodon's grand +Mechanical and Picturesque Theatre, illustrative of the effect of art in +imitation of nature, in views of the Island of St. Helena, the City of +Paris, the passage of Mount St. Barnard, Chinese artificial fireworks, +and a storm at sea. The whole was conducted on the principle of +perspective animation, in a manner highly picturesque, natural, and +interesting. + +Here also our party examined the original model of a newly invented +travelling automaton, a machine which can, with ease and accuracy, +travel at the rate of six miles an hour, ascend acclivities, and turn +the narrowest corners, by machinery only, conducted by one of the +persons seated within, without the assistance of either horse or steam. + +~~230~~~ This extraordinary piece of mechanism attracted the particular +attention of the Baronet, who minutely explored its principles, with the +view, as he said, of its introduction to general use, in the province +of Munster, in substitution of ricketty jaunting-cars and stumbling +geldings. Miss Judith Macgilligan likewise condescended to honour this +novel carriage with her approbation, as an economical improvement, +embracing, with its obvious utility, a vast saving in the keep of +horses, and superseding the use of jaunting-cars, the universal +succedaneum, in Ireland, for more respectable vehicles; but which, she +added, no lady of illustrious ancestry should resort to. + +This endless recurrence to noble descent elicited from Sir Felix another +“palpable hit;” who observed, that those fastidious dames of antiquity, +to whatever country belonging, of apparent asperity to the present +times, would do well in laying aside unfounded prejudices; that the age +to which Miss Macgilligan so frequently alluded, was one of the most +ignorant barbarism; and the unpolished females of that day unequal to a +comparison with those of the present, as much so, as the savage +squaws of America with the finished beauties of an Irish Vicegerent's +drawing-room.{1} + + 1 The pride of ancestry, although prevalent in Ireland, is + not carried to the preposterous excess exemplified by + Cambrian vanity and egotism. A gentleman lately visited a + friend in Wales, who, among other objects of curiosity, + gratified his guest with the inspection of his family + genealogical tree, which, setting at naught the minor + consideration of antediluvian research, bore in its centre + this notable inscription,--About this time the world was + created!!! + +Re-entering St. James's Park, our party directed their course towards +the Mall, eastward of which they were agreeably amused by the appearance +of groupes of children, who, under the care of attendant nursery maids, +were regaling themselves with milk from the cow, thus presenting to +these delighted juveniles a rural feast in the heart of the metropolis. + +~~231~~~ Here Dashall drew the attention of his friends to a very +important improvement. “Until within these few months,” said he, “the +Park at night-fall presented a very sombre aspect; being so imperfectly +lighted as to encourage the resort of the most depraved characters of +both sexes; and although, in several instances, a general caption, by +direction of the police, was made of these nocturnal visitants, yet +the evil still remained; when a brilliant remedy at last was found, by +entirely irradiating the darkness hitherto so favourable to the career +of licentiousness: these lamps, each at a short distance from the +other, have been lately introduced; stretching along the Mall, and +circumscribing the Park, they shed a noon-tide splendor on the solitude +of midnight. They are lighted with gas, and continue burning from +sunset to day-break, combining ornament with utility. Thus vice has been +banished from her wonted haunts, and the Park has become a respectable +evening promenade. + +“This Park,” continued the communicative Dashall, “which is nearly two +miles in circuit, was enclosed by King Charles II., who planted the +avenues, made the Canal and the Aviary adjacent to the Bird-cage Walk, +which took its name from the cages hung in the trees; but the present +fine effect of the piece of ground within the railing, is the fruit of +the genius of the celebrated Mr. Brown.”{1} + + 1 St. James's Park was the frequent promenade of King + Charles II. Here he was to be seen almost daily; unattended, + except by one or two of his courtiers, and his favorite + grey-hounds; inter-mixing with his subjects, in perfect + confidence of their loyalty and attachment. His brother + James one day remonstrating with him on the impolicy of thus + exposing his person,--“James,” rejoined his majesty, “take + care of yourself, and be under no apprehension for me: my + people will never kill me, to make you king!” + + In more recent times, Mr. Charles Townsend used every + morning, as he came to the Treasury, to pass by the Canal in + the Park, and feed the ducks with bread or corn, which he + brought in his pocket for that purpose. One morning having + called his affectionate friends, the duckey, duckey, + duckies, he found unfortunately that he had forgotten them;-- + “Poor duckies!” he cried, “I am sorry I am in a hurry and + cannot get you some bread, but here is sixpence for you to + buy some,” and threw the ducks a sixpence, which one of them + gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to + some gentlemen with whom he was to dine. There being ducks + for dinner, one of the gentlemen ordered a sixpence to be + put into the body of a duck, which he gave Charles to cut + up. Our hero, sur-prised at finding a sixpence among the + seasoning, bade the waiter send up his master, whom he + loaded with epithets of rascal and scoundrel, and swore + bitterly that he would have him prosecuted for robbing the + king of his ducks; “for,” said he, “gentlemen, this very + morning did I give this sixpence to one of the ducks in the + Canal in St. James's Park.” + +~~232~~~ The party now seated themselves on one of the benches in the +Mall, opposite the spot where lately stood the Chinese or Pagoda bridge. +Tallyho had often animadverted on the absurdity of the late inconvenient +and heterogeneous wooden structure, which had been erected at a +considerable public expense; its dangling non-descript ornaments, and +tiresome acclivity and descent of forty steps each. “What,” said he, +“notwithstanding the protection by centinels of this precious memento of +vitiated taste, has it become the prey of dilapidation?” + +“Rather,” answered Dashall, “of premature decay. Its crazy condition +induced the sage authors of its origin to hasten its destruction; like +the Cherokee chief, who, when the object of his regard becomes no longer +useful, buries him alive!” + +Contrasting the magnificent appearance of the adjacent edifices, as +seen from the Park, with one of apparently very humble pretensions, Miss +Macgilligan inquired to what purpose the “shabby fabric” was applied, +and by whom occupied. + +“That 'shabby fabric,' Madam,” responded Dashall, “is St. James's +Palace, erected by Henry VIII., in which our sovereigns of England +have held their Courts from the reign of Queen Anne to that of his late +Majesty George III.” {1} + + 1 The state apartments, now renovated, comprehend six + chambers. The first is the guard chamber, at the top of the + stairs: this has been entirely repaired, and on the right + hand there is a characteristic chimney-piece, instead of the + ill-shaped clumsy fire-place which previously disgraced this + approach to the grand rooms. The next room, continuing to + advance, is the presence chamber. This chamber has been + remodelled, and a large handsome octagonal window + introduced. This produces the best effect, and has rendered + a gloomy room very light and cheerful. The privy chamber, + which forms the eastern end of the great suite that runs + from east to west, parallel to the Mall in the Park, and is, + strictly speaking, the immediate scene of the Court; this is + entirely new from the foundation, and is a continuation of + the old suite of state apartments. The chamber is of noble + dimensions, being nearly 70 feet in length, and having four + windows towards the garden and Park beyond. A magnificent + marble chimney-piece occupies the centre, on the east end. + The anti-drawing-room and the drawing-room, in which little + alteration appears, except in the introduction of splendid + chimney-pieces of statuary marble, taken from the library of + Queen Caroline in the Stable Yard, built by Kent. The + workmanship of these is amazingly fine, and the designs very + rich. The throne is at the upper end of the drawing room No. + 5, and from the chimney of the room No. 3, the vista through + the middle doors of the anti-drawing-rooms is about 200 + feet!! The_coup d'oeil_ must be indescribably grand, when + all the three apartments are filled with rank and beauty. + The ceilings of the principal rooms, 3, 4, and 5, are coved + upon handsome cornices, carved and gilt. This gives the + apartments a spacious and lofty appearance; and there being + four large windows in each, the whole suite is very + imposing. The rooms are to be fitted with mirrors, and a + noble collection of the royal pictures. Over the chimney in + the drawing-room, Lawrence's splendid portrait of George + IV., surrounded by the fine old carvings of Grinling + Gibbons, of which many are preserved in the Palace, will be + the principal object. In the anti-drawing-room a portrait of + the venerable George III. will occupy a similar station; and + on each side will appear the victories which reflected the + highest lustre on his reign,--Trafalgar and Waterloo. In the + privy chamber, a portrait of Queen Anne will be attended by + the great Marlborough triumphs of Lisle and Tournay, + Blenheim, and other historical pieces. Other spaces will + exhibit a series of royal portraits, from the period of the + founder of the Palace, Henry VIII. to the present era; + including, of course, some of the most celebrated works of + Holbein and Vandyke. The unrivalled “Charles on + horseback,” by the latter, is among the number, and the + gallery, altogether, must be inestimable, even as a panorama + of the arts in England for three centuries. On the whole, + these state apartments, when completed, will not be + excelled, if equalled, by any others in Europe. Holbein, + whom we have just mentioned, was a favourite of Henry VIII. + One day, when the painter was privately drawing a lady's + picture for the king, a nobleman forced himself into the + chamber. Holbein threw him down stairs; the peer cried out; + Holbein bolted himself in, escaped over the roof of the + house, and running directly to the king, fell on his knees, + and besought his majesty to pardon him, without declaring + the offence. The king promised to forgive him, if he would + tell the truth. Immediately arrives the lord with his + complaint. After hearing the whole, his majesty said to the + nobleman,--” You have behaved in a manner unworthy of your + rank. I tell you, of seven peasants I can make so many + lords, but not one Holbein. Be gone, and remember this, if + you ever presume to avenge yourself, I shall look on an + injury you do to the painter as done to me.” + +~~233~~~ The descendant of O'Brien was astonished, and connecting her +ideas of the internal show of this Palace with its outward appearance, +doubted not, secretly, that it was far inferior to the residence, in +former times, of her royal progenitor. + +Probably guessing her thoughts, Dashall proceeded to observe, that the +Palace was venerable from age, and in its interior decoration that it +fully corresponded in splendor with the regal purposes to which it had +been so long applied; “It is now, however,” he added, “about to assume a +still more imposing aspect, being under alterations and adornments, +for the reception of the Court of his present Majesty, which, when +completed, will render it worthy the presence of the Sovereign of this +great Empire.” + +~~234~~~ The sole use made lately of St. James's Palace, is for purposes +of state. In 1808, the south-eastern wing of the building was destroyed +by fire; the state apartments were, however, uninjured, and the Court of +George the Third and his Queen was held here. + +On the right of the Palace, the attention of the party was next +attracted by Marlborough House. It was built in the reign of Queen Anne, +by the public, at the expense of 40,000L. on part of the royal gardens, +and given by the Queen and Parliament, on a long lease, to the great +Duke of Marlborough. It is a handsome building, much improved of late +years, and has a garden extending to the Park, and forms a striking +contrast to the adjoining Palace of St. James's. It is now the town +residence of his Royal Highness, Prince Leopold of Saxe Cobourg. + +Our party now passed into St. James's-street, where Miss Macgilligan, +whose acerbitude of temper had been much softened by the politeness of +her friends during the morning's ramble, mentioned, that she had a visit +to make on an occasion of etiquette, and requesting the honour of +the gentlemen's company to dinner, she was handed by the Squire +of Belville-hall, with all due gallantry and obeisance, into a +hackney-chariot; Tom in the meanwhile noting its number, in the +anticipation of its ultimately proving a requisite precaution. + +The trio, now left to their own pursuits, lounged leisurely up St. +James's-street, and pausing at the caricature shop, an incident occurred +which placed in a very favorable point of view the Baronet's promptitude +of reply and equanimity of temper. Having had recourse to his glasses, +lie stood on the pavement, examining the prints, unobservant of any +other object; when a porter with a load brushed hastily forward, and +coming in contact with the Baronet, put him, involuntarily, by the +violence of the shock, to the left about face, without the word either +of caution or command. “Damn your spectacles!” at same time, exclaimed +the fellow; “Thank you, my good friend,” rejoined Sir Felix,--“it is not +the first time that my spectacles have saved my eyes!” + +~~235~~~ Remarking on this rencounter, Dashall observed, that the +insolence of these fellows was become really a public nuisance. Armed in +the panoply of arrogance, they assume the right of the footway, to the +ejection, danger, and frequent injury of other passengers; moving in a +direct line with loads that sometimes stretch on either side the width +of the pavement, they dash onward, careless whom they may run against, +or what mischief may ensue. “I would not,” continued Dashall, “class +them with beasts of burthen, and confine them to the carriage-way of +the street, like other brutes of that description; but I would have them +placed under the control of some salutary regulations, and humanized +under the dread of punishment.” + +The Squire coincided with his friend in opinion, and added, by way of +illustration, that it was only a few days since he witnessed a serious +accident occasioned by the scandalous conduct of a porter: the fellow +bore on his shoulders a chest of drawers, a corner of which, while he +forced his way along the pavement, struck a young lady a stunning blow +on the head, bringing her violently to the ground, and falling against a +shop window, one of her hands went through a pane of glass, by which she +was severely cut; thus sustaining a double injury, either of which might +have been attended with fatal consequences. + +The three friends had now gained the fashionable lounge of Bond-street, +whence turning into Conduit-street, they entered Limmer's Coffee-house, +for the purpose of closing, by refreshment, the morning's excursion. + +Here Dashall recognized an old acquaintance in the person of an +eminent physician, who, after an interchange of civilities, resumed his +attention to the daily journals. + +In the same box with this gentleman, and directly opposite, sat another, +whose health was apparently on the decline, who finding that the +ingenious physician had occasionally dropped into this coffee-house, had +placed himself _vis-a-vis_ the doctor, and made many indirect efforts +to withdraw his attention from the newspaper to examine the index of his +(the invalid's) constitution. He at last ventured a bold push at once, +in the following terms: “Doctor,” said he, “I have for a long time +been very far from being well, and as I belong to an office, where I am +obliged to attend everyday, the complaints I have prove very troublesome +to me, ~~236~~~ and I would be glad to remove them.”--The doctor laid +down his paper, and regarded his patient with a steady eye, while he +proceeded. “I have but little appetite, and digest what I eat very +poorly; I have a strange swimming in my head,” &c. In short, after +giving the doctor a full quarter of an hour's detail of all +his symptoms, he concluded the state of his case with a direct +question:--“Pray, doctor, what shall I take?” The doctor, in the act +of resuming the newspaper, gave him the following laconic +prescription:--“Take, why, take advice!” + +This colloquy, and its ludicrous result, having been perfectly audible +to the company present, afforded considerable entertainment, of which +the manoeuvring invalid seemed in no degree willing to partake, for +he presently made his exit, without even thanking the doctor for his +gratuitous advice.{1} + + 1 Limmeb's Hotel.--This justly esteemed Hotel was much + frequented by the late unfortunate Lord Camelford. Entering + the coffee-room one evening, meanly attired, as he often + was, he sat down to peruse the papers of the day. Soon after + came in a “dashing fellow,” a “first-rate blood,” who threw + himself into the opposite seat of the same box with Lord C, + and in a most consequential tone hallowed out, “Waiter! + bring in a pint of Madeira, and a couple of wax candles, and + put them in the next box.” He then drew to him Lord C.'s + candle, and set himself to read. His Lordship glanced at him + a look of indignation, but exerting his optics a little + more, continued to decypher his paper. The waiter soon re- + appeared, and with a multitude of obsequious bows, announced + his having completed the commands of the gentleman, who + immediately lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford + having finished his paragraph, called out in a mimic tone to + that of Mr.-----, “Waiter! bring me a pair of snuffers.” + These were quickly brought, when his Lordship laid down his + paper, walked round to the box in which Mr.-----was, snuffed + out both the candles, and leisurely returned to his seat. + Boiling with rage and fury, the indignant beau roared out, + “Waiter! waiter! waiter! who the devil is this fellow, that + dares thus to insult a gentleman? Who is he? What is he? + What do they call him?”--“Lord Camelford, Sir,” said the + waiter.--“Who? Lord Camelford!” returned the former, in a + tone of voice scarcely audible; horror-struck at the + recollection of his own impertinence, and almost doubting + whether he was still in existence--“Lord Camelford!!! What + have I to pay?” On being told, he laid down his score, and + actually stole away, without daring to taste his Madeira. + +~~237~~~ The repast ended, the friends separated; Sir Felix to rejoin +his august relative at their lodgings, and arrange with her preparations +for the entertainment of Tom and Bob, and these two gentlemen also +returning homewards to dress for the important occasion. + +Passing the house of his tailor, the Baronet stept in, and desired Mr. +Snip to send to his lodgings, any time in the course of the evening, for +the last new suit, for the purpose of alteration, as had been already +pointed out. + +Miss Macgilligan had preceded her nephew in reaching home, and gave +him, on his arrival, an appropriate and edifying lecture on a three-fold +subject, embracing--petulancy,--respect to superiors,--and veneration +for the memory of our ancestors. + +The Baronet, who never designed seriously to insult his aunt, but merely +to have a bye-blow at her prominent foible,--pride of descent,--listened +with becoming deference to her dissertation, which was interrupted +by the entrance of his servant, (the same who on a certain +occasion confided to Mother Cummings the safety of his master's +property,{1})--“The tailor's boy, Sir Felix, for the new suit your Honor +ordered to be altered.”--“Very well,” rejoined Sir Felix, “sure enough +Mr. Snip is prompt in observance of instructions,--let the lad have +the suit immediately.”--This business having been despatched, Miss +Macgilligan was about to resume her admonitory discourse; when, luckily, +the arrival of the expected guests prevented its continuance, and it was +consequently postponed until a more favourable opportunity. + + 1 Vide page 130. + +Dinner was shortly announced, during which nothing occurred of +particular import. When the exhilirating “Tuscan grape” had superseded +the discarded viands, Miss Macgilligan mentioned, that she had been +grossly imposed upon by the driver of the hackney-chariot. It seems, +that conceiving Jehu was exacting more than his fare, the lady, +presenting a handful of silver, told him to take it all, if he thought +proper, and the conscientious knight of the whip had actually embraced +the offer in its literal acceptation, and pocketing the money, made the +best of his way, before she recovered from the surprise occasioned by +this “iniquitous” transaction. + +~~238~~~ “Iniquitous!” repeated the Baronet;--“by the powers of folly +but there was no advantage taken at all, at all; and the man must +have been worse than an idiot had he rejected so liberal an offer! +Gra-machree, he might cry, and thanks to the donor, such opportunities +don't occur every day.” + +Appealing to her guests, she had the mortification of finding the +opinion of her nephew supported.--“Certainly, madam,” said Dashall, “the +conduct of the man in putting a construction not meant upon your word, +was highly reprehensible; yet I am afraid that redress is unavailable. +A gift was implied, though obviously not intended, but impartially +speaking, you tendered a donation, and the man, if not morally right, +was legally justifiable in accepting it.” + +While this case was under discussion, the baronet chuckled at the +mischance of his aunt, and in defiance of the admonition given him a +few hours before, seemed more petulant, less respectful, and totally +irreverent of his ancestors. + +In the enjoyment of this triumph, and asserting that he could not be +taken-in, even by the most artfully conducted manouvre, he was struck +dumb by the information that Mr. Snip the tailor had called for the new +suit. “The devil fly over the hill of Howth with him!” exclaimed the +astounded Sir Felix, with a secret foreboding of evil, “has he not had +the new suit, hours ago?” + +“He says not, sir,” answered the servant. + +“Where then, in the name of mystery,” rejoined the baronet, “are the +clothes gone to? They were sent by his boy, were they not?” + +“He denies, sir,” responded the servant, “that he sent for the clothes +at all at all.” + +“Sowl of my grandmother! send in this snip of a tailor instantaneously.” + +Dashall immediately surmised a fraud, and the statement of Snip +converted suspicion into fact. + +Mr. Snip repeated, that he had not sent for the clothes; and neither +did he keep a boy; but he recollected that there was a lad in his shop +purchasing some trifling article at the time Sir Felix gave his address, +and ordered the new suit to be sent for; and there is no doubt, added +Snip, that this young adept, being thus put in the way of successfully +practising a fraud, gladly availed himself of the opportunity, and +obtained possession of the clothes in my name. But, Sir Felix (continued +Mr. Snip) it must have escaped your recollection when ~~239~~~ you +sanctioned the delivery of the clothes, that I had particularly +cautioned you, when you first honoured me with your custom, against your +sending to my house any articles of apparel by pretended messengers from +me, unless on the authority of my own hand writing.” + +“I exonerate you,” said the baronet, “from censure, and exempt you from +loss. I have been swindled. There is now no remedy. So make me another +suit, and by stricter vigilance, we shall endeavour to avoid future +depredation.”{1} + + 1 This is amongst the inferior classes of fraud daily + practised in the metropolis. The following is one of a + fust rate description. + + Swindling.--A case most ingeniously contrived and + successfully carried into execution on Saturday last, is + scarcely to be equalled on the records of fraud. It was + equal to that practised on Rundle and Bridge, the jewellers, + some time ago, but the present case is only at the expense + of four costly gold watches. The swindler, who called + himself Mr. Winter, is rather above the middle size, was + dressed in a brown frock coat, wears long whiskers, and is + well calculated for imposition in address and manner. A + house in Southampton-street, Strand, occupied by Mr. Holt, + the barrister, having been advertised to be let, Mr. Winter + called about it several times last week, and he appointed + Saturday last to call with some ladies, when he could give a + final answer; and the servants were desired, if the + occupants were from home, to shew the gentleman and his + party into the dining-room. Having secured this point, Mr. + Winter called upon Mr. Ely, a jeweller, at the latter end of + the week, and after looking over some trifles, in the shop, + he desired that some ladies' watches might be brought to his + residence, No. 5, Southampton-street, at a certain hour on + Saturday, for inspection. The swindler called some time + before the jeweller was expected, and inquired if the ladies + who were to meet him there had called, and being informed in + the negative, he affected surprise, and desired them to be + informed of his arrival when they came. He was shewn into + the front drawing-room, but he preferred the adjoining room, + and desired the servant to shew a gentleman, who would call, + into the front room, and let him know when he arrived. The + jeweller was to his time with the goods, and Mr. Winter paid + him a visit, and after looking over the goods, he selected + four watches, worth 100L. to shew the ladies in the next + room, instead of which he took his hat, and walked off with + the watches. After waiting till out of patience, the + jeweller rang the bell, and the servant missed Mr. Winter, + who had promised her servitude, the landlord his new tenant, + and the jeweller his watches! + +~~240~~~ It was now Miss Macgilligan's turn to triumph, but, to the +surprise and relief of her nephew, she did not avail herself of the +privilege; sensible, perhaps, that the loss which site sustained, was +occasioned by her own imprudence, and that his misfortune might have +happened to those even the most guarded against deception, she consoled +instead of recriminating. The most perfect unanimity now prevailed +between the two relatives; and the evening passed on with increased +pleasure. The unexpected migration of the new suit led to conversation +on the frauds of London, when Dashall justly observed, that if the +ingenuity exemplified in depredation was exercised in honest industry, +in place of being now the pest, many of those men might have been the +ornaments of Society. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + “Tho' village delights may charm for a time, + With hunting, with cricket, with trap-ball and such, + The rambles in London are bang-up and prime, + And never can tire or trouble us much; + Tis a life of variety, frolic, and fun: + Rove which way you will, right or left, up or down. + All night by the gas, and all day by the sun, + Sure no joys can compare with the joys of the town.” + +~~241~~~ Our two friends, in consequence of some allusions made by +the company at the Finish, on a preceding day, to a house of great +theatrical celebrity in Drury-lane, resolved on a visit the following +evening; and it may here be necessary to introduce such of our readers +as are not in the secret, to the same. + +The Harp, opposite Drury-lane Theatre, is well known as the resort +of theatrical amateurs and professors; but those who have not had an +opportunity of visiting its interior, can scarcely form an idea of +the mirth, wit, and humour constantly displayed within its walls. The +circumstance here alluded to, though not exactly introduced in point of +time, is one which generally takes place once in three years; viz. the +election of a Mayor to represent the now City of Lushington, an event +which is attended with as much of bustle, interest, and whimsicality, +as a popular election for a member of Parliament. The generality of the +persons who are frequent visitors to the house are termed _Harponians_, +and by due qualification become citizens of Lushington. Although we +cannot give a true and circumstantial history of this ancient city, we +doubt not our numerous readers will discover that its title is derived +from an important article in life, commonly called Lush. The four wards +are also appropriately titled, as symbolical of the effects which are +usually produced by its improper application. On entering the room, +the first corner on the right hand is _Suicide Ward_, and derives its +appellation from a society so named, in which each member is bound by an +oath, that however he might feel inclined to lay violent hands upon his +glass, he would not lay violent hands upon his own existence. + +~~242~~~ The left hand corner has also a name as appropriate as its +neighbour, being called _Poverty Ward_; so termed from its vicinity to +the door, and the ease with which a citizen, whose tanner case{1} and +toggery{2} are out of repair, may make his entree and exit, without +subjecting himself to the embarrassing gaze and scrutiny of his more +fortunate fellow-citizens. Juniper Ward, which is directly opposite to +Poverty Ward, may in a moral point of view be said to mark the natural +gradation rom the one to the other. Whether these wards are so placed +by the moral considerations of the ingenious citizens or not, we are at +present unable to learn; but we have discovered that _Juniper Ward_ is +so called in consequence of a club, consisting of seven citizens, who +bound themselves to meet every evening exactly on the spot, taking each +upon himself to defray the expense of _blue ruin_ for the whole party +on each evening alternately. In the corner directly opposite to Suicide +Ward is _Lunatic Ward_, indicative no doubt of the few steps there are +between the one and the other: hence the four corner pillars of this +ancient and honourable city are replete with moral instruction to the +wise and discriminating part of society. + + 1 Tanner case--a pocket. + + 2 Toggery--cloathing. + +Each of these wards, like the wards of the City of London, has +its alderman, and no doubt can be entertained of their being ably +represented, as well as their rights and privileges being well secured +and sustained. A gentleman who is well known and highly respected for +his abilities and attentions as theatrical agent, which character he has +sustained for many years, is high bailiff, and at proper periods issues +his writ in the following form:-- + +“City of Lushington, (to wit.) + +“The high bailiff having received a requisition to convene a meeting for +the purpose of nominating aldermen to represent the different wards, and +from them to elect a mayor for the above city for the year ensuing; + +~~243~~~ “The high bailiff, in pursuance thereof, fixes Saturday the 22d +December inst. to nominate for the purpose aforesaid, and from thence +proceed to the election, which election is to continue till the +following Monday, being the 24th, when the poll is to be closed. + +“Given under my hand, this 18th day of December, 1821. (Signed) “F. +SIMS, high bailiff.” + +“Lushington Hall.” + +“The election to commence at 7 o'clock; the poll to be closed at +half-past 10.” + +After this official notice, preparations are made in due form for the +election, and in the fitting up of the hustings the most skilful +and ingenious artists are selected from the several wards, while the +candidates are employed in forming their committees, and canvassing +their friends and fellow-citizens, each of them professing an intention +to intersect the city with canals of sky blue, to reduce the price of +heavy wet, and to cultivate plantations of the weed, to be given away +for the benefit and advantage of the community, thereby to render +taxation useless, and the comforts of life comeatable by all ranks and +degrees of society. To take the burthensome load of civic state upon +themselves, in order that their friends and neighbours may be free; that +independence may become universal, and that the suffrages of the people +may be beyond controul nor can it be doubted but these professions +are made with as much sincerity in many of a similar nature in larger +cities, and in situations of much greater importance. + + “For quacks profess the nation's ills to cure, + To mend small fortunes, and set up the poor; + And oft times neatly make their projects known, + By mending not the public's, but their own. + The poor indeed may prove their watchful cares, + That nicely sift and weigh their mean affairs, + From scanty earnings nibbling portions small, + As mice, by bits, steal cheese with rind and all; + But why should statesmen for mechanics carve, + What are they fit for but to work and starve.” + +It is, however, proper to observe, that in the City of Lushington there +are no sinecures, no placemen and pensioners, to exhaust the treasury; +honour is the grand inducement for the acceptance of office, and highly +honour'd are those who are fortunate enough to obtain the mark s of +distinction to which they aspire. + +~~244~~~ The oath administered upon such occasions is of a most serious +and solemn nature; which, however, notwithstanding the conscientious +scruples of the voters, must be taken with suitable gravity before they +can be, permitted to poll; being in substance nearly as follows:-- + +“I (A. B.) do swear that I have been an inhabitant of the City of +Lushington for the space of -- years; and that I have taken within its +walls -- pots of porter, -- glasses of jackey, and smoked --pipes; (the +blanks are filled in according to circumstances); that is to say, one +pot of heavy wet, one glass of juniper, and one loading of weed at +least annually; have been the cause of such acts in others, or have been +present when such acts have been performed; and that I have not polled +at this election.” + +This oath is sworn with all due solemnity, by kissing the foot of a +broken glass, and the vote is then recorded. + +Tom and Bob, who had so little previous intimation of this important +event, were informed as they proceeded to the scene of action, by +a friend of one of the candidates, that the election was strongly +contested between Sir William Sims, the son of the worthy high bailiff, +Sir Benjamin Rosebud, Jessamine Sweetbriar, Sir Peter Paid, and +Peregrine Foxall, the silver-toned orator, strongly supported by the Tag +Rag and Bobtail Club. Sir Frederick Atkinson introduced and proposed by +the Marquis of Huntley, a well known sporting character from the county +of Surrey, and Mr. Alderman Whetman, of Lushington notoriety. The door +of the house was well guarded by the _posse comitatis_, armed with staves, +emblematical of the renowned city to which they belonged, and decorated +with the favors of the different candidates by whom they were employed, +or whose interest they espoused. The staves, instead of the crown, were +surmounted by quartern measures, and produced a most striking and novel +effect, as they appeared to be more reverenced and respected than that +gaudy bauble which is a representative of Royalty. + +At the moment of our friends entrance, large bodies of voters were +brought up by canvassing parties from the surrounding habitations, with +colours flying, and were introduced in succession to poll; and as time +was fast escaping, every one was active in support of his favourite +candidate. All was bustle and anxiety, and Tom and Bob approached the +hustings with two chimney-sweepers, a hackney-coachman, and three light +bearers, alias link-carriers, from Covent Garden Theatre. Having polled +for Sir William Sims, who very politely returned thanks for ~~245~~~ +the honour conferred on him, standing room was provided for them by the +inhabitants of Lunatic Ward, who it should seem, like others under the +influence of the moon, have their lucid intervals, and who upon this +occasion displayed a more than usual portion of sanity, mingled with +good humour and humanity. + +In this quarter of the city, where our friends expected to find +distracted, or at least abstracted intellect, they were very pleasingly +disappointed at discovering they were associated with reasonable and +intelligent beings; although some of them, fatigued by their exertions +during the election, were so strongly attacked by Somnus, that +notwithstanding the bustle with which they were surrounded, they +occasionally dropped into the arms of the drowsy god, and accompanied +the proceedings with a snore, till again roused to light and life by +some more wakeful inhabitant. + +At the appointed time, the high bailiff announced the election closed, +and after an examination of the votes, declared the choice to have +fallen on Sir William, a circumstance which drew forth a unanimous +burst of approbation, long, loud, and deep, which in a few moments being +communicated to those without. This was as cordially and as vociferously +answered by anxious and admiring crowds. + +The influx of citizens, upon the event being known, to hear the speeches +of the different candidates, choaked up every avenue to the hustings, +and beggars all description; the inimitable pencil of a Hogarth could +hardly have done justice to the scene, and a Common Hall of the City of +London might be considered a common fool to it; every voter had a right, +established that right, and enjoyed it. Here stood the well-dressed +Corinthian in his bang-up toggery, alongside of a man in armour, one +of the Braziers Company, armed with a pot-lid and a spit, and decorated +with a jack-chain round his neck. There stood a controller of the prads, +a Jarvey, in close conversation with one of the lighters of the world, +with his torch in hand. A flue faker in one corner, was endeavouring +to explain a distinction between smoke and gas to a lamplighter, who +declared it as his opinion, “that the City of Lushington,--at all times +a luminous and deservedly revered City,--had had more light thrown upon +it that election, by the introduction of the link carriers, than it ever +had before; and likewise that his dissertation on smoke and gas was not +worth one puff from his pipe.” + +~~246~~~ In the midst of this bustle, noise and confusion, it was some +time before the high bailiff could obtain silence; when Sir William +made his appearance on the hustings, and in language well suited for the +occasion, declared the heartfelt gratitude he entertained for the high +and distinguished honour so handsomely conferred upon him, with +his determination never to lose sight of the invaluable rights and +privileges of his constituents, assuring them they were welcome +to indulge themselves with any thing the house afforded. He next +complimented his opponents on the very gentlemanlike way in which +the election had been conducted, and alluded most emphatically to the +introduction of those voters who endeavour to lighten the darkness +of the world, the link-carriers, who by their manners and conduct had +become on that occasion as it were links of a chain, which in point of +friendship, good humour and independence, he sincerely hoped would +never be broken. Rapturous applause followed this speech, which +notwithstanding the almost overpowering load of gratitude with which the +speaker was burthened, was given with good emphasis and corresponding +effect. + +The other candidates returned thanks to those of their fellow-citizens +who had supported their interest; and no one seeming inclined to call +for a scrutiny, Sir William took the official oath, and was invested +with the cloathing of magistracy, which being done, Mr. Alderman Whetman +arose to address the mayor. + +The well known ability usually displayed by this gentleman, his +patriotic zeal, and undeviating integrity, commanded immediate silence, +while he informed the chief magistrate of a circumstance which had +recently occurred, and which left one of the wards unrepresented, by a +worthy alderman who in consequence of accepting an office in the +board of controul, had by the laws of Lushington vacated his seat. An +explanation being demanded, it appeared that the worthy alderman had +become a deputy manager of a country theatre, and consequently must be +considered under the board of controul; it was therefore necessary he +should at least be re-elected before he could be allowed to continue in +the distinguished station of alderman: this point being agreed to, the +situation was declared vacant, and a time appointed for the election. + +~~247~~~ The official business of the election being over, harmony and +conviviality became the order of the night; foaming bowls and flowing +glasses decorated the tables; many of the citizens withdrawing to rest +after their labours, made room for those who remained, and every one +seemed desirous to + + “Wreath the bowl + With flowers of soul, + The brightest wit can find us; + We'll take a flight + Towards heav'n to-night, + And leave dull earth behind us.” + +The song, the toast, the sentiment, followed each other in rapid +succession; mirth and good humour prevailed, and time, while he +exhausted himself, appeared to be inexhaustible. The beams of wit, +the lively sallies of humour, and the interchange of good fellowship, +eradiated the glass in its circulation, and doubly enhanced its +contents; and in amusements so truly congenial with the disposition of +the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin, they joined till after four o'clock +in the morning, thus rendering themselves true and devoted citizens of +Lushington, when they sallied forth, tolerably well primed for any lark +or spree which chance might throw in their way. It was a fine morning, +and while the shopkeepers and trades-men were taking their rest, the +market gardeners and others were directing their waggons and carts to +Covent Garden. + +“Now,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “we will just take a turn round the +Garden, and a stroll down Drury-lane, for a walk will do us no harm +after our night's amusement, and we can hardly fail to find subjects +worthy of observation, though; in all probability we are too early to +realize all the poet's description of a market:” + + “A market's the circle for frolic and glee, + Where tastes of all kinds may be suited; + The dasher, the quiz, and the “up to all”--he, + Pluck sprees from the plants in it rooted. + If the joker, or queer one, would fain learn a place, + Where they'd wish for a morning to “lark it,” + They need go no further than just shew their face, + In that region of mirth, a large market.” + +~~248~~~ The streets that surround the theatres, and which of an evening +are thronged with the elegant equipage of the visitors, were now filled +with carts, waggons, and other vehicles of various denominations, for +conveyance of the marketable commodities to and from the place of sale: +here and there were groupes of Irishmen and basket-women, endeavouring +to obtain a load, and squabbling with assiduous vociferations for the +first call. + +“This,” said Tom, “is the largest market for vegetables we have in the +metropolis, and supplies numerous retail dealers with their stock in +trade; who assemble here early in the morning to make their bargains, +and get them home before the more important business of the day, that +of selling, commences.” While Tom was explaining thus briefly to his +Cousin, aloud laugh attracted their attention, and drew them to a part +of the market where a crowd was collected, to witness a squabble between +a Jew orange merchant and a pork butcher.{1} + + 1 Although the Hon. Tom Dashall hurried his Cousin from the + scene of altercation, at the time of its occurrence, they + enjoyed a hearty laugh at the following report of the facts + which appeared in one of the morning papers shortly + afterwards:-- + + EFHRAIM versus STEWART. + + “This was a proceeding in limine, by which the plain till' + sought reparation for violence done to his religious + scruples and bodily health by the defendant, inasmuch as he, + the plaintiff being a Jew, on Wednesday, the 12th day of + this month, in the forenoon, in the parish of St. Paul + Covent Garden, did, with malice aforethought, knock him down + with a pig's head, contrary to the statute, and against the + peace of our Sovereign Lord the King,” &c. + + Both plaintiff and defendant pleaded each for himself, no + counsel being employed on either side. + + Ephraim Ephraim deposed, that he is by profession an orange- + merchant, carrying on his business in Covent Garden market. + That the defendant, Richard Stewart, is a dealer in pork and + poultry in the said market; and that he the said Richard + Stewart, on the day and time then stated, did thrust a pig's + face against his cheek with such violence, as to throw him + backwards into a chest of oranges, whereby he sustained + great damage both in body, mind, and merchandize. Plaintiff + stated moreover, that he had previously and on sundry + occasions forewarned the said Richard Stewart, it was + contrary to the tenets of his religion to come in contact + with pork, and yet nevertheless he the said Richard did + frequently, and from time to time, intrude pork upon his + attention, by holding it up aloft in the market, and + exclaiming aloud, “Ephraim, will you have a mouthful?” All + this, he humbly submitted, betokened great malice and + wickedness in the said Richard, and he therefore besought + the magistrate to interpose the protection of the law in bis + behalf. + + The magistrate observed, that he was astonished a person of + Mr. Stewart's appearance and respectability should be guilty + of such conduct, and having explained to him that the law + afforded equal protection to the professors of every + religion, called upon him for his defence. + + “May it please your Worship,” said Mr. Richard Stewart, who + is a well fed man, of a jolly and pleasing countenance, + “May it please your Worship, I keeps a shop in Covent Garden + Market, and have done so any time these ten years, and Mr. + Ephraim's stand is next to mine. Now, your Worship, on + Wednesday morning I'd a hamper o'pork sent up out + o'Hertfordshire, and so I opened the hamper, and at the top + of it lay a nice head, and I takes it and holds it up and + says I, Heres a bootiful head, says I, did ever any body see + such a handsome un, and sure enough your Worship it was the + most bootiftd as ever was, and would a done any body's heart + good to see it. It was cut so clean of the quarter (drawing + his finger closely across his own neck), and was so short + i'the snout, and as white as a sheet,--it was, your Worship, + remarkably handsome. And so, I said, says I, look here, did + ever tiny body see such a picture, holding it up just in + this manner. With that, 'Ah, says Mr. Ephraim, says he, now + my dream's out; I dream't last night that I saw two pig's + heads together, and there they are;' meaning my head, and + the pig's head, your Worship. Well, I took no notice o'that, + but I goes me gently behind him, and slides the pig's head + by the side of his head, claps my own o' the other side all + on a row, with the pig's in the middle, your Worship; and + says I to the folks, says I, now who'll say which is the + honestest face of the three. With that, your Worship, all + the folks fell a laughing, and I goes myself quietly back + again to a stall. But poor Ephraim, he fell in such a + passion! Lord, Lord, to see what a pucker he were in, he + danced, and he capered, and he rubbed his whiskers, though I + verily believe the pig's head never touched him; and he + jumped and he fidgeted about, all as one as if he was mad, + till at last he tumbled into the orange chest, your Worship, + of his own accord, as it were, and that's the long and the + short of it, your Worship, as my neighbours here can + specify.” + + His Worship, having listened attentively to those + conflicting statements, decided that the defendant had acted + indecently in insulting the religious feelings of the + plaintiff, though at the same time the affair was hardly + worth carrying to the Sessions, and therefore he would + recommend the plaintiff to be satisfied with an apology. + + The defendant expressed the greatest willingness to + apologize. “For,” says he, “I have ax'd another Jew what + could make Mr. Ephraim in such a passion; and he told me, + your Worship, that if you get a rale Jew, and rub him with a + bit o'pork, it's the greatest crime as ever was.” + + Plaintiff and defendant then retired, and the + matter was compromised. + +~~250~~~ The Israelite appeared to be in a great rage, swore he +would have revenge of his insulting neighbour, and pull him up. The +exasperation of the Jew afforded much merriment to the spectators, who +seemed to enjoy his aggravation: our friends, however, had arrived +too late to discover the cause, and although not very particular about +discovering themselves amid the mob, conceived it most prudent to move +onward without inquiry; “for,” as Tom observed, “if we ask any questions +we are sure to be told lies: “they then passed through the Market, made +their way up James-street to Long Acre, and thence to Drury-lane. + +[Illustration: page250.jpg Drury Lane] + +The watchmen were just leaving their stations, with an intention to +partake of what they had all night been endeavouring to deprive others, +and the humbler ranks of society were preparing for the business of the +day; while the batter'd beau, the clean'd out buck, and the dissipated +voluptuary, were occasionally to be seen gliding from holes and corners, +and scampering home with less wisdom in their heads, and less money in +their purses, than when they left. Here was to be seen the City shopman, +hastening away from his dulcenea, to get down his master's shutters +before the gouty old gentleman should be able to crawl down stairs; +there, the dandy, half dressed, and more than half seas over, buttoning +his toggery close round him to keep out the damp air of the morning, +affecting to sing + + “Be gone dull care;” + +slipped along, as he supposed, unobserved, between dustmen, scavengers, +flue-fakers, gardeners, fish-fags, and brick-layer's labourers--to refit +and put himself in a situation to recount the adventures of the night. +At one door, stood a shivering group of half-starved chimney-sweepers, +rending the air with their piercing cries of “sweep,” occasionally +relieved by a few hearty d---ns bestowed upon the servant, that she +did not come down, in order to let a diminutive urchin yet up the flue; +leaning against a post at the corner of the street was an overdone +Irishman, making a bargain with pug-nosed Peg, a sort of half-bred +pinafore cyprian, whose disappointments during the night induced her to +try at obtaining a morning customer. The Hibernian was relating the ill +usage he had been subjected to, and the necessity he had of making a +hasty retreat from the quarters he had taken up; while Bet Brill, on +her road to Billingsgate, was blowing him up for wearing odd boots, and +being a hod man--blowing a cloud sufficient to enliven and revive the +whole party. + +~~251~~~ “Poor fellow,” said Tom, “it would be a charity to pop him into +a rattler, and drive him home; and do you see, he is standing close to +a mud cart, the delicate drippings of which are gently replenishing his +otherwise empty pockets.” + +“Be aisy,” said Pat Murphy the hodman, “arn't he an Irish jontleman, +arn't I a jontleman from Ireland; and arn't it lit and proper, and +right and just, as well as jontlemanly, that two jontlemen should go +together, so come along Peg, we'll just take a taste of the cratur, +drink success to the lads of Shellaly, and put the matter in its right +shape.” With this pug-nosed Peg seized him by one arm, and the last +orator by the other, and in a short time they entered a sluicery in the +neighbourhood, which enclosed the party from view. + +Turning from the group which they had been paying attention to, they +were suddenly attracted by a female purveyor for the stomach, who was +serving out her tea, coffee, and saloop, from a boiling cauldron, and +handing with due complaisance to her customers bread and butter, which +was as eagerly swallowed and devoured by two dustmen, who appeared to +relish their delicate meal with as much of appetite and gout, as the +pampered palate of a City alderman would a plate of turtle. The figure +of the lady, whose commodities were thus desirable and refreshing to the +hungry dust-collectors, struck Bob at the first view as having something +matronly and kind about it. + +“These persons,” said Tom, “are really useful in their vocation; and +while they provide a wholesome beverage for the industrious, are rather +deserving of approbation than censure or molestation: the latter, +however, they are frequently subjected to; for the kids of lark, in +their moments of revelry, think lightly of such poor people's stock in +trade, and consider it a prime spree to upset the whole concern, +without caring who may be scalded by the downfall, or how many of their +fellow-creatures may go without a breakfast and dinner in consequence; +but do you mark the other woman behind her?” + +“I do,” said Bob, “and it is impossible to view them both without +noticing the striking contrast they form to each other.” + +~~252~~~ “Your observations are just,” continued Tom; “that is an old +beldame of the neighbourhood, in search of the poor unhappy girl who has +just taken the Irishman in tow, an encourager of all that is vicious and +baneful in society.” + +“I could almost judge that from her features,” replied Bob, “though I do +not pretend to much skill in physiognomy.” + +“A debauched body and a vitiated mind are perceptible in her face, and +having remained on the town till these were too visible for her to hope +for a continuance, she is now a tutoress of others, to make the most of +those with whom they promiscuously associate. She furnishes the finery, +and shares the plunder. It is, however, a melancholy and disgusting +picture of Real Life in London, and merely deserves to be known in order +to be avoided, for there is no species of villainy to which persons of +her stamp”-- + +“Of whom it is to be hoped there are but few,” cried Tallyho, +interrupting him. + +“For the sake of human nature,” replied Dashalt., “it is to be hoped so; +but there is no species of villainy to which they will not stoop.” {1} + + 1 The Hon. Tom Dashall's observations on this subject are + but too strikingly exemplified by a case heard at Worship- + street Police Office a short time back, in which Jemima + Matthews was charged with conduct which excited astonishment + at the depravity of human nature.--One of the parish + constables of Spitalfields stated, he proceeded to the + residence of the prisoner in Upper Cato-street, and found + the wretch at the bar surrounded by eight children, while a + supper, consisting of a variety of meats and vegetables, was + making ready on the fire. Three children, Frederick Clark, + John Clark, and John Bailey, were owned by their parents. + The children seemed so much under the controul of this + infamous woman, that they were afraid to tell the truth + until she was removed from the bar. Little Bailey then said, + they were daily sent out to steal what they could, and bring + it home in the evening. When they could get nothing else, + they stole meat from the butchers, and vegetables from the + green-grocers. The woman kept a pack of cards, by which she + told their fortunes, whether they would succeed, or be + caught by the officers. Mr. Swaby observed, that since he + had attended the Office, he never witnessed a case of so + much iniquity. The prisoner was remanded for further + examination, and the magistrate intimated he should desire + the parish to prosecute her for the misdemeanor, in exciting + these children to commit felonies. + +~~253~~~ At this moment their attention was suddenly called to another +subject, by a loud huzza from a combination of voices at no great +distance from where they then were, and in a few minutes a considerable +concourse of dustmen and others appeared in view. + +“There is something in the wind,” said Dashall, “we must have a look at +these gentry, for there is frequently some humour among them. + +“I hope,” replied Bob, “they have not overturned the dustcart in the +wind, for I am apprehensive in such a case we should scarcely have eyes +to view their frolics.” + +Tom laughed at the ready turn of his Cousin, and remarking that all +flesh was dust, proceeded towards the increasing party: here they soon +found out; that, as a venerable son of the fan-tailed-hat fraternity +described it, “a screw was loose.” + +“Perhaps,” inquired Bob, “it is the linch-pin.” “Why aye, mayhap as how +that there may be the case for aught I knows about it. Howsomdever, I'll +tell you all about it:--first and foremost you must know that Dick Nobbs +lives down here in Charles-street, and Dick Nobbs has got a wife. Now +she is the devil's own darling, and Dick is a match for her or the devil +himself, come from wherever he may, but as good a fellow as ever lapp'd +up a pail full of water-gruel; and so you must know as how Dick has this +here very morning been found out, in bed with another man's wife. The +other man is a nightman, and rubbish-carter, vhat lives in the same +house with Dick; so this here man being out all night at a job, Dick +gets lushy, and so help me------, he finds his way steady enough into +that there man's bed, and vhen that there man comes home, my eyes vhat a +blow up! There lays Dick Nobbs fast asleep in the man's wife's arms, so +he kicks up a row--Dick shews fight--and the man comes and tells us all +about it; so we are going to try him for a misdemeanor, and he can't +help himself no how whatsomedever.” + +Tom was alive to the story, and in a few minutes the culprit was +conducted to a neighbouring public-house, tried before a whole bench of +the society, cast, and condemned to undergo the usual sentence in +such cases made and provided, entitled, “Burning Shame,” and active +preparations were making by those of the fraternity without, to carry +into immediate execution the sentence pronounced by those within. + +~~254~~~ The offender was decorated with a bunch of Christmas in his +hat, and two large carrots in the front, to represent horns. In this +manner he was mounted on the brawny shoulders of four of his companions, +preceded by the crier of the court, another dustman, with a bell, which +he rung lustily, and at intervals proclaimed the crime of which the +culprit had been found guilty. After the crier, followed eight more +of the brotherhood, two and two, their hats ornamented with bunches +of holly, and a burning candle in the front of each hat. Then came the +culprit, carried as already described, with a pot of heavy wet in one +hand, and a pipe of tobacco in the other, which he occasionally smoaked, +stooping forward to light it at one of the candles in the fantail hats +of his two front supporters. The rear of this ludicrous procession was +brought up by several other dustmen and coalheavers, and their ladies. +The procession set out from Charles-street, down Drury-lane, Great +Queen-street, Wild-street, and round Clare Market, followed by an +immense crowd, which kept increasing as they went, and nearly rendered +the streets impassable. Two collectors were appointed, one on each side +of the street, and were very active in levying contributions among +the spectators to defray the expenses. They stopped at several +public-houses, where they quaffed off oceans of heavy wet, and numerous +streamlets of old Jamaica, and then returned to headquarters in +Charles-street, where the offence was drowned in drink, and they and +their ladies passed the remainder of the evening, as happy as beer and +gin, rum and tobacco, could make them. + +Having witnessed a considerable part of this ceremonious proceeding, +and been informed of the intended finale, our friends, who began to +feel somewhat uncomfortable for want of refreshment and rest, proposed +returning home; and having thrown themselves into a hack, they in a +short time arrived at Piccadilly. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + “'If in Real Life's chapter you e'er tind a blank, + 'Tis yourself and you only you justly can thank; + For to him who is willing--there's no need to stand, + Since enough may be found 'twixt Mile End and the Strand + To instruct, to inform, to disgust or invite, + To deplore, to respect, to regret or delight.” + + “'Tis in London where unceasing novelty grows, + Always fresh--and in bloom like the opening rose; + But if to the rose we its sweetness compare, + “fis as freely confess'd many thorus gather there; + And if to avoid the latter you're prone, + 'Tis at least quite as well, where they are, should be known.” + +~~255~~~ The arrival at Piccadilly turned out to be truly agreeable +to our friends, who were scarcely dressed and seated at the +breakfast-table, before they were surprised by the unexpected appearance +of an old friend, whose company and conversation had upon many occasions +afforded them so much pleasure and information. This was no other than +Sparkle. + +“My dear boy,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “you are welcome to the scene +of former gratifications. How is your better half, and all friends in +the country--any increase in the family? Why you look as healthy as +Hygeia, and as steady as old time.” + +“I confess,” replied Sparkle, “you ask so many questions upon important +subjects in one breath, that I am quite deficient of wind to answer them +seriatim. You must therefore take an answer in two words--all's right.” + +“Enough,” replied Tom, “then I am content; but how, what,--are you in +town alone?” + +“You shall know all in time, but don't drive on too hard. I am glad to +meet you again in the regions of fun, frolic, and humour, of which I +doubt not there is, as there always was, a plentiful stock. Glad to see +you both in good health and tip-top spirits. I have only come to pass +a fortnight with you; and as I intend to make the utmost use of every +minute of the time, don't let us waste in empty words what would be +better employed in useful deeds.” + +~~256~~~ “Useful deeds,” re-echoed Tom, “useful deeds--that savours of +reflection. I thought you were fully aware it is an article considered +of little value in the labyrinths of London; but since you are become, +as I may venture to presume, a useful man, what may be the objects upon +which you propose to practise your utility?” + +“Still the same I find, Tom; all life, spirit, and gaiety, nothing like +a hit, and I suppose you now think you have a palpable one. Never mind, +I am not easily disconcerted, therefore you may play off the artillery +of your wit without much chance of obtaining a triumph; but however, in +plain words, I expect to be a happy father in about another month.” + +“O ho!” said Tom, “then you are really a useful member of society, and +I suppose are merely come up to town for the purpose of picking up a +little more useful information and instruction how to perform the part +of Papa.” + +“Nay,” replied Sparkle, “I could hardly expect to obtain such from you. +I must therefore be excused and acquitted of all such intentions--but +joking apart, how are you devoted?” + +“To you,” replied Tallyho, who was much pleased by this accession to +their society. + +“Then,” continued Sparkle, “lend me all the assistance in your power. +When did you see our old friend Merrywell!” + +“The last time I saw him was in a place of safety, studying the law, and +taking lessons from its professors in the Priory.” + +“We must find him,” replied Sparkle; “so if you are not engaged, come +along, and I will relate the circumstances which induce this search as +we proceed.” + +To this proposal Tom and Bob readily acceding, the party were quickly on +their way towards Abbot's Park. + +~~257~~~ “You must know,” said Sparkle, “that Merry well's uncle in +the country having received some information upon the subject of his +confinement, probably very highly coloured, has since his release +withdrawn his patronage and support, so that the poor fellow has been +without supplies for some time past, and I am at a loss to conjecture +by what means he is now working the oracle for a subsistence. His uncle, +however, is in the last stage of a severe illness, with little chance +of recovery; and as I apprehend there is but little time to spare, I +intend, if possible, to find our old acquaintance, start him for his +relative's residence, in hope that he may arrive in time to be in at the +death, and become inheritor of his estate, which is considerable, and +may otherwise be apportioned among persons for whom he has had but +little or no regard while living.” + +“The object in view is a good one,” said Dashall, “and I sincerely hope +we shall succeed in our endeavours.” + +Passing down St. James's-street, Sparkle was quickly recognized by many +of his old acquaintances and friends, and congratulated upon his return +to the scenes where they had, in company with him, enjoyed many a lark; +and invitations came in as fast upon nim as the moments of life were +fleeting away: for the present, however, all engagements were +declined, till the principal object of his journey to London should be +accomplished; and after inquiries about old friends, and observations +upon the passing occurrences of the moment were over, they proceeded on +their way. Westminster Bridge was the precise line of direction for them +to pursue, and as fortune would have it, they had scarcely arrived at +the foot of it, before they discovered Merrywell bustling along in +an opposite direction: he, however, appeared rather inclined to pass +without recognition or acknowledgment, when Sparkle turning close upon +him, gave him a hearty tap on the shoulder, which made him as it were +involuntarily turn his head. + +“Well met,” said Sparkle, “I want you.” + +“At whose suit. Sir?” was the immediate inquiry. + +“To suit yourself,” was a reply as quickly given. + +“Zounds!” said Merrywell, “I had little idea of being tapped on the +shoulder by an old friend--but are you indeed in earnest?” + +“Certainly I am, and can't be refused; but if you should be pinched +for bail, I think I have two friends with me who will do the needful;” + introducing Tom and Bob. + +“I see how it is,” continued Merrywell, “and have no objection to a +joke; but I can't bear to have it carried too far.--How d'ye do, how +d'ye do--can't stop--in a devil of a hurry--full of business.” + +~~258~~~ “Zounds!” said Tom, “you are almost as bad as the man who +having married a wife could not come; but if I may be so bold, whither +away so fast?” + +“To Westminster Hall--the sessions is on--must go--law is like the tide, +it stays for none--adieu.” + +“We cannot part thus,” said Sparkle, “I have come some miles in search +of you, and cannot afford to be played with now.” + +“Then accompany me to Westminster Hall, and I will be at your service.” + +“If not,” replied Sparkle, “I shall enter a special detainer against +you--so come along.” + +They now entered Westminster Hall, where Merry well having disposed of +some briefs and other papers into the hands of a counsellor preparatory +to a cause coming on; + +“There,” continued he, unow I am at your service.” + +“Then tell me,” said Sparkle, “what you are at.” + +“First,” inquired Merry well, “let me know what is your object in asking +such a question.” + +This being briefly explained, together with the absolute necessity there +was for his leaving town without delay-- + +“Now,” said he, “I am at liberty to give you a sketch of circumstances +which have befallen me since I saw you last.” + +“Come then,” said Dashall, “we will proceed to Piccadilly, spend a +comfortable afternoon, and ship you off by the mail from the White Horse +Cellar at eight o'clock.” + +“With all my heart,” was the reply. “Well, now you must understand, I am +a sort of dabbler in professions. I was liberated from the high wall +of the Priory by the Insolvent Debtor's Act; and since the unfortunate +representation to the Old Boy, which deprived me of the needful +supplies, I have tried my hand in three different ways.” + +“And which are they?” + +“Love, law, and literature,” continued Merry well. + +“A very pretty combination,” said Dashall, “and are you able to make +them blend comfortably together?” + +~~259~~~ “Nothing more easy in the world. In the first place, a lady has +taken a fancy to me, which fancy I am willing to indulge; in return for +which she provides me with every indulgence.--I profess to be principal +in the office of a” lawyer of established practice, who suffers me to +share in the profits of such business as I can obtain. In the way of +literature I have as yet done but little, though I am encouraged to hope +much, from the success of others. Indeed I am told, if I can but write +libels for John Bull, I may make a rapid fortune.” + +“And when so made,” said Sparkle, “I shall wish you well with it; but I +think the speculation I have already named much more likely to turn out +equal to your wishes, and more consonant with your feelings, than the +pursuit of either of those you have mentioned.” + +“There I agree perfectly with you; and if I can make all right with the +old gentleman, a fig for all the rest of my occupations: but you know I +always liked independence, and if I could not get a fortune ready made, +I had a desire to be the architect of one I should raise for myself.” + +“Why I know you have generally borne the character of a man of genius.” + +“Yes, and a deal my character did for me after quitting the walls. Why +man, I happened to hear of a vacancy in a city parish school, for which +I ventured to conceive myself duly qualified, and therefore determined +to make application to the churchwardens, one of whom had the character +of being a man of great power, and was said to be the first in his line +in the three kingdoms. Away I posted, full of hope and expectation +of becoming a second Caleb Quotem, not doubting but salary and +circumstances would turn out exactly to my wish.” + +“But I thought you liked independence,” said Tallyho. + +“Rather too much to engage in that concern,” was the reply, “as you will +hear presently. Upon tracing out this gentleman who bore so strong a +recommendation to particular notice, you may guess my surprise upon +finding 'Purveyor of sausages' in gold letters over his door.” + +Dashall burst into an irresistible laugh, and was most cordially joined +by Sparkle and Tallyho, who were now strongly interested in the result +of Merrywell's account. + +“When I arrived,” continued Merry well, “this patron was reading the +newspaper, which he threw down immediately upon my entrance, having +mistaken me for a customer.” + +~~260~~~ “Survaut, Sir,” said he, pulling down his greasy +waist-coat.--“I am come, Sir,” said I, “to make some inquiry +concerning a vacant school-master-ship.”--“Oh there again,” resumed the +sausage-making churchwarden,--“Vy you are the seventeenth fellow that +has been here to-day a bothering me about this plaguy vacasey. How do +you read? you'll have a trial before me and my brother representative of +this parish, and my spouse will also attend the reading bouts. Now if +so be as you minds your hits, why then may be you'll be the dominy. But, +mind you, I don't like your sonorous voices, and my spouse--she knows +things quite as well as I do,--she vants a great deal of action, so +only you mind, loud and sonorous, and plenty of muscular motion for my +spouse, that's the vay to win; but I haven't any time to talk to you +now, you must call of an evening, when I am more at leisure, and then +I'll explain; so move off now, Sir, move off, for I sees a customer +coming--survant maum.”--“Flesh and blood could bear no more, and +so”------“So what,” said Sparkle; “did you knock him down in the midst +of his own sausages?” + +“No, no, I knew too much of the law for that; but I cut the +churchwarden, and bolted from the sausage-shop, determined to embrace +law, physic, or divinity, in preference to cutting + + “---------- The rumps + Of little school-boy Jackies.” + +“The study of the law was rather compulsory than voluntary, for during +my residence in the College I was under the necessity of devoting some +part of my time to, though I felt no great partiality for it; and you +know law is law; and as in such, and so forth, and hereby and aforesaid, +provided always nevertheless notwithstanding, law is like a country +dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired: law is like +a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is +also like physic, they that take least of it are best off: law is like +a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow: law is like a scolding wife, +very bad when it follows us: law is like a new fashion, people are +bewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are +glad when they get out of it.” + +~~261~~~ “I believe that sincerely,” cried the Hon. Tom Dashall; “for I +think there are instances enough in which law has nothing at all to do +with justice.”{1} + + 1 This remark of the Hon. Tom Dashall is admirably + illustrated by the following statement:-- + + Twelve People in one Bail Bond fob Ten Pounds.--There + are very few instances of delinquency which we have + stated, that will stagger the belief of the fair + practitioner, because they know such transactions are + possible; their only surprise is the impunity with which + they are committed, mixed with some regret that the + profession is so contaminated. The species of peculation + we have now to submit to our readers is of singular nature; + for we know not whether folly, impudence, or infamy, has the + greater share in the transaction; we will therefore leave + our readers to judge:--as to the statement of the fact, it + is impossible we can err, as we were concerned for the + defendants, and the case, singular as it is, was literally + and accurately thus:--One of those unfortunate females who + contribute to the existence of a miscreant crew of bawds, + milliners, hair-dressers, tally-women, and many other + reptiles of the same class, was arrested for ten pounds, at + the house of the celebrated, or, more properly speaking, + the notorious, Mrs. Johnson, of Jermyn-street:--the + attorney accompanied the officer; and it happened that a + young gentleman connected with a banking-house of great + respectability was present, whom the attorney directed to + take in a bail bond, with the lady-abbess herself; but as + they were not sufficiently responsible, ten more of the + cyprian tribe, all nuns of the same convent, were likewise + required to execute this bond; of course they complied. + The attorney, after having made the parties acquainted + with the great favour he had shewn them, and the vast + responsibility he had taken upon himself, required no more + than two guineas for the officer and himself; telling them + he would give them information when any thing further was to + be done; instead of which he took an assignment, sued out + process, prepared declarations, and served the parties. + + The gentleman, rather alarmed at the idea of the + circumstance being known, desired us to pay the debt and + costs: for that purpose we applied to the attorney, and to + our astonishment we were informed that the costs amounted to + Thirty Pounds! for that there were twelve defendants. The + reader cannot suppose that any thing further could pass upon + such a preposterous subject, than giving notice of an + application to the court, to set aside the proceedings. On + our return home we found eleven of the defendants, + consisting of the old brood hen and her chickens, each with + a copy of the process in her hand. The business now most + certainly put on the appearance of some costs. We again + applied to the attorney, and, by way of cutting it short, + offered him five pounds; but he, like many others who rely + on the integrity and propriety of their practice, disdained + a compromise, or abridgement of his lawful fees, and he was + hardy enough to suffer the application. It is almost + needless to say, the proceedings were set aside. We have + forebome to mention the name of the attorney, on account of + the misery in which this dreadful transaction has involved + him, a misery which amply atones for his offences, and + deprives him of the power of ever offending again as an + attorney. Far be it from us then to sink him deeper in the + gulph of wretchedness: we kick not the dead lion; it is + athletic triumphant villany against which we wage war. + +~~202~~~ By this time they were arrived in Piccadilly, where they sat +down to a cheerful refreshment, and proceeded to make arrangements +for Merry well's departure: previous to this, however, Dashall and his +Cousin had an engagement to keep with their Hibernian friends, of which +particulars will appear in the next Chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + All hail to the day of the tutelar Saint, + Old George, not the King, but the Prince of brave fellows, + And Champion of England, by Providence sent + To slay a fierce Dragon as histories tell us! + + And hail to the King of the first Isle on Earth, + His fame with St. George and the Dragon who blending, + Has chosen to celebrate this as his birth, + The day of all others, good fortune portending. + + Away then with Care, let us haste to the Park, + Where Buckingham-house will exhibit a levy + Resplendent in rank, youth and beauty;--and hark! + Hoarse cannon announce both the birth-day and Levee. + + Reverberate then, in each sea-port the roar! + And wave England's Standard on high, from each steeple, + And skip from the oiling, each ship, to the shore, + And joyfully dance on dry land with the people!{1} + + 1 That we may not be accused of plagiarism, we acknowledge + ourselves indebted for the hyperbole contained in the last + two lines of these introductory stanzas, to an original + recommendation for a proper display of rapture, as + contained in the following couplet by one Peter Ker, wherein + he very humanely invites all the vessels belonging to Great + Britain to strand themselves out of joy for the accession of + James I. + + “Let subjects sing, bells ring, and cannons roar, + And every ship come dancing to the shore.” + + The morning of St. George's Day was ushered in, as the + appointed anniversary of his Majesty's birth, by all the + church-bells of the metropolis, the waving of the royal + standard from the steeples, the display of the colours of + all nations by the vessels in the Thames, and Cumberland + mentions in his Memoirs, that when his father the Bishop + revisited his estate in Ireland, an affectionate rustic hit + upon an ingenious mode of shewing his happiness, by leaping + from a tree, and breaking his leg! We do not find that any + of his Majesty's loving subjects in the Park on St. George's + Day followed the example of the Irish rustic! + +[Illustration: page233.jpg St. George's Day] + +Other manifestations of affection by a grateful people to the best of +Sovereigns!-- + + “The sky was overcast, the morning lower'd, + And heavily in clouds brought on the day.” + +~~264~~~ But despite of wind or wet, female curiosity must be gratified. +Miss Judith Macgilligan had some time previous to this auspicious +day, expressed a desire to witness the gay and brilliant assemblage +of company in progress to the Levee, and Tom and Bob having gallantly +volunteered their services on this important occasion, they now sallied +forth, just as the Park and Tower guns were thundering the announcement +of festivity, and joining Sir Felix O'Grady and his aunt at their +lodgings, the party immediately moved onward to the scene of action. + +Already had Royalty taken wing, and dignified with his presence the late +maternal Palace, before our pedestrians reached the Park, to the great +disappointment of Miss Macgilligan, who however consoled herself with +the hope of being able to obtain a glimpse of monarchy as his Majesty +passed on his return to Carlton-house. + +The Baronet in the meanwhile was in a reverie, which at last broke out +in the following rhapsody:-- + + Oh! blest occasion of dispensing good, + How seldom used, how little understood!-- + To nurse with tender care the thriving arts, + Watch every beam philosophy imparts: + To give religion her unbridled scope, + Nor judge by statute a believer's hope; + With close fidelity and love unfeign'd, + To keep the matrimonial bond unstain'd; + Covetous only of a virtuous praise, + His life a lesson to the land he sways. + Blest country where these kingly glories shine! + Blest England, if this happiness be thine! + + But,-- + + If smiling peeresses, and simp'ring peers, + Encompassing his throne a few short years; + If the gilt carriage and the pamper'd steed, + That wants no driving and disdains the lead; + If guards, mechanically form'd in ranks, + Playing at beat of drum their martial pranks, + Should'ring, and standing as if stuck to stone, + While condescending majesty looks on;-- + If monarchy consists in such base things, + Sighing, I say again, I pity Kings. + +~~265~~~ An immense number of splendid carriages now presented +themselves to view, in continued and uninterrupted succession, +stretching from the Horse Guards the whole length of the Mall, to +Buckingham-house, where each setting down, and thence taking up a +position in the Bird-cage Walk, they formed a circle of nearly two +miles, and exhibited, in the magnificence of the vehicles, the admirable +symmetry of the horses, and rich liveries of the attendants, a scene of +interest, matchless perhaps by any other metropolis in the universe. + +Skirting the indeterminable line of carriages, that slowly and under +frequent stoppages proceeded to the goal of attraction, our party +penetrated at last the dense mass of spectators, and gaining +a favourable post of observation, took a position adjacent to +Buckingham-house, where the band of music of the Foot Guards within, +and that of the Horse Guards without the iron-railing circumscribing the +palace, alternately enlivened the scene with “concord of sweet sounds.” + +But the great and general object of attention, was that of female +loveliness, occupying almost every passing vehicle. Dashall remarked, +that he had never before been gratified with such an extensive and +captivating display. Sir Felix and the Squire were in raptures, and even +the primitive austerity of Miss Macgilligan yielded to the influence of +beauty, and acknowledging its predominancy, she at same time observed, +that its fascination was enhanced by the dress of the ladies, which, +though splendid, exhibited genuine taste, and was more remarkable for +its uniform adherence to modesty than she had hitherto seen it on any +similar occasion.{1} + + 1 We are not fastidious, neither would we wish the charms of + youth and beauty inaccessible to admiration; but certainly + the dress, or rather undress of our fair countrywomen, has + of late years bordered closely on nudity.--Female delicacy + is powerfully attractive; we were glad to observe its + predominancy at the last Levee, and we trust that it will + gain universal prevalence.--Edit. + +~~266~~~ Dashall, whose place would more properly have been in the +circle within the palace than amongst the spectators without, was +frequently saluted by the passing company; and when the fair hand +of beauty waved gracefully towards him, Sir Felix felt happy in +the friendship and society of a gentleman thus honoured with such +distinguished recognition, and in the warmth of his feelings exclaimed +aloud, that, “by the immortal powers, were he King of England, he would +be more proud of the irradiating charms of these celestial visiters, +than in the diadem of royalty and extension of empire!” This remark was +universally acquiesced in, and most cordially so by a group of lively +girls, to whom it had apparently given much pleasure; one of whom +thanked the Baronet in the name of the sex, and complimented him on his +gallantry, which she said was truly characteristic of his country. + +To Sir Felix an encomium from a fair lady was ever irresistible. + +He bowed, expressed a commensurate feeling of gratitude for the honour +conferred upon him, and professed himself an ardent admirer of the whole +of women kind; concluding by humming a stanza from Burns,-- + + “Auld Nature swears the lovely dears + Her noblest work she classes, O; + Her 'prentice han' she tried on man, + And then she made the lasses, O.” + +Unluckily for the apophthegm of the Baronet, it so happened, that a +quarrel took place in the immediate vicinity and hearing of the party, +between two rival female fruiterers of the Emerald Isle; during which +incivilities were exchanged in language not altogether acceptable to the +auricular organs of delicacy. The brogue was that of Munster,--the +war of words waged quicker and faster; and from invective the heroines +seemed rapidly approximating to actual battle. Neither park-keeper nor +constable were at hand; and although the surrounding mobility “laughed +at the tumult and enjoyed the storm,” Sir Felix, much distressed at +so untoward an incident, and deeply interested in the honour of his +country, so lately the theme of elegant panegyric, dashed through the +crowd, the component parts of which he scattered aside like chaff, and +arrested the further progress of the wranglers. + +“Arrah, now, for the honour of Munster, be any, ye brats of the devil's +own begetting!” + +“Hear him! hear him! hear the umpire!” resounded from all quarters. + +“May the devil make hell-broth of ye both, in his own caldron!” + +~~267~~~ The mirth of the multitude became now still more obstreperous, +and Tom and Bob pushed forward to the assistance of their friend, who +was in the act of keeping the two viragos apart from each other, having +a hand on each, and holding them at arms length, alternately threatening +and remonstrating, while the two nymphs, with frightful grimaces, +struggled to elude his grasp, and abide the chance of war;--the scene +altogether would have afforded ample scope for the pencil of an artist; +and if not edifying, was at least to a numerous and motley assemblage +of spectators, highly entertaining. Sir Felix declined the assistance of +his friends,-- + +“Never mind it,” said he, “I'll settle the affair myself, my +honies:” and slipping a half-crown piece into the hand of each of +the amazons--“Now be off wid you,” he whispered,--“lave the Park +immediately;--away to the gin-shop;--shake hands wid each other in +friendship; and drink good-luck to Sir Felix O'Grady.” + +With many expressions of gratitude, the contending parties obeyed the +mandate, and walked off lovingly together, cheek-by-jowl, as if no +irruption of harmony had happened! + +“Long life to him!” exclaimed a son of green Erin; “wid a word in the +ear he has settled the business at once.” + +“And I pray,” said a reverend looking gentleman in black, “that all +conflicting powers may meet with like able mediation.” + +“Amen!” responded a fellow in the drawling nasil tone of a parish-clerk; +and the congregation dispersed. + +The tumult thus happily subdued, Sir Felix, with Tom and Bob, rejoined +Miss Macgilligan and the group with whom she had been left in charge +when the two latter gentlemen came to the Baronet's relief. + +The “ardent admirer of the whole of women kind” sustained the jokes of +the company with admirable equanimity of temper; and the same young lady +who had eulogized his gallantry, now said that it was unfair, and what +the Baronet could not possibly mean, to take his words in their literal +acceptation; at the same time she highly commended his benevolent +interference in the quarrel between the two women, and congratulated him +on his address in bringing it to an amicable termination. + +~~268~~~ Resuming their attention to the still continued line of +company, Dashall and his friends remarked that pearls were a prominent +part of female ornament at the present levee; particularly, he said, +with the galaxy of Civic beauty from the East; for he had recognized +so decorated, several elegantes, the wives and daughters of aldermen, +bankers, merchants and others, of his City acquaintances.{1} A ponderous +state carriage, carved and gilt in all directions, and the pannels +richly emblazoned with heraldry, now came slowly up the Mall, and Sir +Felix immediately announced the approach of the Lord Mayor of the City +of London; but as the vehicle approximated nearer towards him, he became +lost in a labyrinth of conjecture, on perceiving, that the pericranium +of its principal inmate was enveloped in a wig of appalling dimensions; +he now inquired whether the profundity of wisdom was denoted by +the magnitude of a wig; and if so, why it was not worn by the Civic +Sovereign rather on the seat of justice, where it might operate _in +terrorem_ on delinquency, than on the happy occasion of his Majesty's +anniversary; when Dashall unravelled the mystery, by acquainting the +Baronet, that the personage whom he supposed to be the Lord Mayor of +London, was the Lord High Chancellor of England. + + 1 By what curious links and fantastical relations are + mankind connected together. At the distance of half the + globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom + of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to + decorate the throat of a London alerman's wife! It is said + that the great Linnæus had discovered the secret of + infecting oysters with this perligenous disease; what is + become of the secret we know not, as the only interest tee + take in oysters, is of a much more vulgar, though perhaps a + more humane nature. Mr. Percival, in his Account of the + Island of Ceylon, gives a very interesting account of the + fishery, and of the Sea-dogs. “This animal is as fond of + the legs of Hindoos, as Hindoos are of the pearls of + oysters; and as one appetite appears to him much more + natural and less capricious' than the other, he never fails + to indulge it.” + +~~269~~~ The company still poured along, numerous and diversified, +beyond all former precedent; including all the nobility in town, their +ladies, daughters, et cetera; officers of the army and navy, grand +crosses and knights companions of the most honourable order of the Bath; +dignified sages and learned brethren of the law; and, “though last, not +least in our esteem,” the very right reverend Fathers in God, the +Lords Bishops, in the costume of sacerdotal panoply; and amidst the +fascination of female beauty, setting their affections on things +above!{1} + + 1 Latimer, bishop of Worcester, speaking of the gentlemen of + the black cloth, says,--“Well, I would all men would look to + their dutie, as God hath called them, and then we should + have a flourish-ing Christian common weale. And now I would + ask a strange question. Who is the most diligentest bishop + and prelate in all Englande, that passeth all the rest in + doing his office? 1 can tell, for I know him who it is; I + know him well. But now I think I see you listening and + hearkening that I should name him. There is one that passeth + all the other, and is the most diligent prelate and preacher + in all Englande. And will you know who it is? I will tell + you. It is the Devil! He is the most diligent preacher of + all other; he is never out of his diocese; he is never from + his cure; ye shall never fynde him unoccupyed; he is ever in + his parish; he keepeth residence at all times; ye shall + never fynde him out of the way; call for him when you will + he is ever at home; the diligentest preacher in all the + realme; no lording or loyteriug can hynder him; he is ever + applying his busyness; ye shall never f'ynde him idle I + warrant you.” + +From noon until past four, visiters continued to arrive; when the +carriages again circumscribed the Park, each taking up at the gate of +Buckingham-house, and thence passing home by the Bird-cage Walk, and +through the Horse Guards. The arrangements were excellent; no accident +occurred. The Life Guards lined the Mall, and a numerous detachment +of police-officers were on the alert throughout the day. Their +indefatigable exertions however were not entirely available in +counteracting the industry of the light-fingered gentry, of whom there +were many on the look-out; and doubtless on this, as on every other +occasion of public resort in the metropolis, they reaped the fruits of a +plentiful harvest. + +The party sauntering along the Mall, Sir Felix observed one of the group +with whom he was associated when viewing the company proceeding to the +Palace, and would have entered into familiar chit-chat with him, but for +the interposition of Dashall, who taking the Baronet aside, cautioned +him against having intercourse with a stranger, of whom he knew nothing, +but who had all the appearance of a black-leg. + +Dashall was an accurate observer of men and manners; and in the present +instance his conjecture was well founded; for, in a few subsequent +moments, + +~~270~~~ What was the devil's gratitude to Latimer for this eulogy +According to his biography, “for his zeal in the Protestant faith, +he was, with Ridley, bishop of London, burnt at Oxford in 1554.” this +assumed gentleman was met by a reconnoitering party of the police, who +claiming the privilege of old acquaintance, took him into custody as +a reputed thief, to the manifest surprise and dismay of Miss Judith +Macgilligan, who instinctively putting her hand into her pocket, found +that her purse had vanished through the medium of some invisible agency. +It contained, fortunately, silver only. She now mentioned her loss, and +expressed her suspicion of the gentleman in duresse; he having stood +close by her, for a considerable length of time, while she and her +friends were stationary in the Mall. The officers accordingly searched +him; but the wily adept, anticipating consequences, had disencumbered +himself of the purse; part of the silver, however, found in his +possession, tallied in description with that which had been lost, +although the lady could not identify it as her property. He was +conducted from the Park, with the view of being introduced to the +recollection of the magistrates of the Public-office in Bow-street. + +During this transaction, a carriage bearing the royal arms, and attended +by two footmen only, drove rapidly along the Mall, without attracting +particular notice, and entering the garden-gate of Carlton-house, was +immediately lost to public view; nor did the numerous groups who were +in waiting to catch a transient glance of royalty, recognise in the +unassuming inmate of this vehicle, the sacred person of his most +gracious Majesty King George the Fourth, who was thus pleased modestly +to decline the congratulations of his loving subjects, by eluding, +incognita, their observation. + +This was a second grievous disappointment to our venerable aunt, and +might have operated as a spell against the further enjoyment of the day; +but the gloom of vexation was dispersed by the Esquire of Belville-hall, +who observed, that the royal lineage of the lady might aspire to a more +intimate knowledge of majesty than a view _en passant_, and that at +any future levee there could not exist a doubt of the facility of Miss +Macgilligan's introduction. + +A convenient and vacant bench presenting itself, the associates now +seated themselves. + +“Apropos,” exclaimed Sir Felix, “talking of the King, does his Majesty +mean to honour with another visit his Hanoverian dominions this ensuing +summer?” + +~~271~~~ The inquiry was directed to Dashall, whom the Baronet was +accustomed to look upon as an universal intelligencer. + +Tom declared his incompetency to answer the question. + +“Well,” continued Sir Felix, “were I the monarch of this empire, J would +make myself acquainted with every part of it. A tour through England, +Scotland, and Ireland, should be my primary object, and a visit to my +foreign territories a subordinate consideration, I would travel from +town to town in the land that gave me birth; like the Tudors and the +Stuarts; with confidence in the loyalty of my people, my person should +be familiar to them, and 1 should at all times be accessible to their +complaints. Elizabeth and the Second James made frequent excursions +into distant parts of the country, and every where were received with +addresses of fidelity. Were his present Majesty to follow, in this +respect, the example of his royal predecessors, who can doubt his +experiencing the most ample and unequivocal demonstrations of attachment +to his person and government?” + +The friendly associates indulged a hearty laugh at the expense of +the visionary, although they did him the justice to believe that his +theoretical improvements on the policy of majesty were the ebullition of +a generous heart, warm in fraternal regard for the whole of human kind. + +Tom, however, reminded him that the pusillanimous James II. acquired +no popularity by his royal tours; and that the affections of the people +were not to be gained by the merely personal condescension of the +monarch.{1} + + 1 During the reign of King James II., and when, not unlike + the present day, the people were much oppressed and + burthened with taxes, that monarch having, in the course of + a tour through England, stopt at Winchelsea, the Corporation + resolved to address his Majesty; but as the Mayor could + neither read nor write, it was agreed that the Recorder + should prompt him on the occasion. Being introduced, the + Recorder whispered the trembling Mayor, “Hold up your head, + and look like a man.” The Mayor mis-taking this for the + beginning of the speech, addressed the King, and repeated + aloud, “Hold up your head, and look like a man.” The + Recorder, in amaze, whispered the Mayor, “What the devil do + you mean?” The Mayor in the same manner instantly repeated, + “What the devil do you mean?” The Recorder, alarmed, + whispered more earnestly, “By G-----d, Sir, you'll ruin us + all.” + + The Mayor, still imagining this to be a part of his speech, + said, with all “his might, “By G-----d, Sir, you'll ruin us + all.” + +~~272~~~So slow was the progress of the vehicles towards the palace for +the purpose of taking up their respective owners, that many gentlemen, +whose residences were in the vicinity, rather than wait, preferred +walking across the Park; while the unusual exhibition of a pedestrian +in full court-dress excited no little attention from the multitude. +Our party proceeding in their lounge, was presently met by one of these +gentlemen, who recognizing Dashall and Tallyho, shook them cordially +by the hand, and was introduced to Sir Felix and his Aunt, as Captain of +the Royal Navy. + +The Captain, to adopt a Court phrase, was most graciously received by +the lady; who observing he had been present at the Levee, begged that he +would favour her with an account of what had passed. + +The gallant Captain, retracing his steps with his friends along the +Mall, said, that little or nothing had occurred worthy of remark. + +“The drawing-room,” he continued, “was crowded to such excess, that I +should have felt myself more at ease in the bilboes; however, amidst the +awkwardness of the squeeze, I frequently came into unavoidable contact +with some very fine girls, and that pleasure certainly more than +compensated all inconveniences. The King (God bless him)! perspired +most prodigiously; for the heat was intolerable; he appeared very much +fatigued; and 1 hope has retired with a superior relish to enjoy +the quietude and luxury of the royal table at Carlton Palace. The +presentations of the female sprigs of nobility were numerous, to all of +whom he paid particular attention, in duty bound, as a gallant Cavalier +and the best bred gentleman in Europe. Indeed, he seemed to gloat on the +charms of those terrestrial deities with ecstacy! The introductions +were endless, and the etiquette tiresome and monotonous. In fact, +after making my humble congée, extrication became my only object, and +I effected a retreat with difficulty. My stay was short, and as I had +neither inclination nor opportunity for minute remark, I hope, Madam, +that you will pardon my incapability of answering your inquiry in a more +particular manner.” + +~~273~~~ Nothing farther could be elicited. In truth, the Captain +had left nothing untold; for his description of the Levee, although +succinct, was correct, laying aside the enumeration of the _dramatis +personæ_, too numerous, and in many instances perhaps too insignificant, +for recollection. + +The gallant son of Neptune now took his leave, and the party continued +to enjoy the pleasure of the promenade. + +The Park was still thronged with spectators, attracted by the retiring +visitors, of whom some it seems were no welcome guests. + +Whether vice had contaminated the hallowed presence of Royalty, we +cannot take upon us to say; but it appears that the sanctum sanctorum +had been polluted by intrusion; for a notification was issued next day +by the Lord Chamberlain, prefaced with the usual Whereas, “that certain +improper persons had gained access to his Majesty's Levee, and stating, +that in future no one would be admitted unless in full Court dress, +including bag-wig, sword,” &c.{1} + + 1 As if these appendages were only within the reach of the + higher classes of the community, and uncomeatable by + purchase! The most depraved character may obtain the + plausible appearance of gentility, and obtrude himself into + the first circle of fashion. These opportunities abound in + the metropolis; and such is the apathy of the present age, + that the accomplished swindler, of exterior allurement, + intermixes, _sans_ inquiry, with honourable rank; and even + where inquiry is deemed necessary, all minor considerations + vanish before the talismanic influence of Wealth! “Is he + rich? Incalculably so! Then, let's have him, by all means.” + Thus the initiated of Chesterfield obtain admission into + polished society, although the Principles of Politeness + inculcated by that nobleman, contain, as a celebrated + lexicographer said of them, “the morals of a wh**e, and the + manners of a dancing-master!” + +The party having lounged away another pleasant hour, made ultimately +their exit from the Park by the Stable-yard, and entering Pall Mall, +were agreeably surprised with a very interesting exhibition. + +During many years of the late King's reign, it was usual on the +birth-day anniversary for the different mail coaches to pass in review +before his Majesty in front of St. James's Palace. The custom still +prevails. + +On the present occasion numerous spectators had assembled opposite Carl +ton-house; and it is presumed that the Sovereign thence witnessed the +procession, although he was not within the view of public observation. + +~~274~~~ Above thirty mail coaches, fresh gilt and painted, or in +the language of churchwardens, beautified, and each drawn by four +noble-spirited, yet perfectly tractable horses, elegantly caparisoned, +now made their appearance. The cavalcade moved slowly onward, the +prancing steeds impatient of restraint, and conscious of superiority. +On the box of each vehicle was seated a portly good looking man, +the knowing Jehu of the road, and behind was the guard, occasionally +“winding his bugle-horn” with melodious and scientific ability. The +reins and harness were new, so also were the royal liveries of the +coachmen and guards. Mounted conductors led the van of the procession, +while others accompanied it on either side; and the interest of the +scene was considerably heightened by each coach being occupied inside +by handsome well-dressed women and children. The rear of this imposing +spectacle was brought up by a long train of the twopenny post-boys, all +newly clothed in the royal uniform, and mounted on hardy ponies, chiefly +of the Highland and Shetland breed. The cavalcade halted in front of the +royal residence, and gave three cheers in honour of the day, which +were heartily returned by the populace. The procession then resumed its +progress by Charing-cross, the Strand, Fleet-street, Ludgate-hill, round +St. Paul's, and by Cheapside into Lombard-street, + +Passing up the new street, the associates reached the mansion of +Dashall, who had previously engaged his friends to dinner. + +An elegant repast was immediately served up, and highly enjoyed by the +party, after such prolonged exercise and abstinence. + +The conversation turning on the recent interesting exhibition, it was +universally acknowledged, that the introduction of the mail coach into +the establishment of the General Post-office, might be classed among the +highest improvements of the age, as amazingly accelerating the +celerity of intercourse with all parts of the empire. Neither was +the well-merited meed of encomium withheld from the Twopenny-post +Institution, by which, so frequently in the course of the day, the +facility of communication is kept up within the metropolis and suburbs, +extending to all adjacencies, and bounded only by the limits of the +bills of mortality. Dashall, who seldom let slip an opportunity of +appropriate remark ~~275~~~ digressed from the procession to the +important national utility of the Post-office, and thence, by easy +transition, to the sublime powers of the human mind, as emphatically +exemplified in the invention of writing and printing; while Sir Felix, +who was well experienced in the British poets, favoured his aunt with a +quotation from Pope's Epistle of Heloisa to Abelard, subject, however, +to such whimsical interpolation as he deemed suitable to the occasion:-- + +Heaven first taught letters for some wretch's aid, Some antique, +lovesick, North of Ireland maid! They live, they speak, they breathe +what age inspires, Preposterous fondness and impure desires! The latent +wish without a blush impart, Reveal the frailties of a morbid heart; +Speed the neglected sigh from soul to soul, And waft a groan from Indus +to the Pole! + +The reading of Miss Macgilligan, like her ideas, was rather on a +contracted scale. She suspected, however, that her nephew had aimed +against her the shafts of ridicule, and was preparing her resentment +accordingly; when the Baronet deprecating her wrath, assured her, that +he had recited the lines exactly as originally written, and that in the +present clay they had no personal application, having been composed by +a little cynical fellow many years before Miss Macgilligan came into +existence.--The lady gave credence to the assertion, and the impending +storm was happily averted. + +The residence of royalty being within the precinct of St. James's, the +bells of the neighbouring church sounded a merry peal in the ears of +the party; and were responded to by those of St, Martin-in-the-Fields, +a parish of which it is remarkable that his Majesty George II. was once +church-warden, serving the office, of course, by deputy. The steeple +of this church, as well as those of many others in the metropolis, +displayed, throughout the day, the royal standard, a manifestation of +loyalty which likewise extended itself to the liquid element of old +father Thames, where many of the vessels commemorated the anniversary by +frequent salutes of artillery, under the decorative and splendid canopy +formed by the colours of all nations. + +~~276~~~ The carriages of the foreign ambassadors, and those of the +friends of government, were again in requisition, and rattled along the +streets towards the several mansions of the members of administration, +who each, in conformity with ancient usage, gave a grand dinner on the +birth-day, at least on that appointed for its celebration. + +“At these dinners,” said Dashall, “politics and etiquette are both laid +aside; conviviality is the order of the day; the glass, the joke, +the repartee and the 'retort courteous,' circulate freely, and all is +harmony and good humour.” + +“With sometimes a sprinkling of alloy,” said the Squire, “I have heard +that during the administration of Mr. Pitt, he and the Lord Chancellor +Thurlow were frequently at variance on subjects having no reference to +politics, and even under the exhilirating influence of the grape.” + +The party were all attention, and the Squire proceeded--“At a cabinet +dinner a discussion took place between the Premier and Lord Chancellor, +as to the comparative merits of the Latin and English languages. Mr. +Pitt gave the preference to the former, the Chancellor! to the +latter; and the arguments on both sides were carried on with equal +pertinacity.--The Premier would not yield a jot in opinion. Becoming at +last impatient of opposition, + +“Why,” said he, “the English language is an ambiguity--two +negatives make an affirmative; but in the Latin, two negatives make a +positive.”--“Then,” said the Chancellor, “your father and mother must +have been two negatives, to make such a positive fellow as you are!”{1} + + 1 Lord Chancellor Thurlow, although a very eccentric + character, was yet a man of uncommon benevolence. A vacancy + having occurred in a valuable living of which he had the + presentation, numerous were the candidates for the benefice; + and amongst others, one, recommended by several of the + nobility, friends of the ministry, who made himself sure of + the appointment, although, directly or indirectly, the + Chancellor had not given any promise. In the meanwhile, it + was one morning announced to his Lordship, that a gentleman, + apparently a clergyman, waited the honour of an interview. + The servant was ordered to shew the stranger into the + library, whither the Chancellor shortly repaired, and + inquired the object of the visit. “My Lord,” said the + other, “I served the office of Curate under the deceased + Rector, and understanding that the presentation is in your + Lordship's gift”--“You want the living,” exclaimed the + Chancellor, gruffly. “No, my Lord; my humble pretensions + soar not so high; but I presume, most respectfully, to + entreat your Lordship's influence with the new Incumbent, + that I may be continued in the Curacy.” Surprised and + pleased by the singular modesty of the applicant, who had + served the same parish as Curate above twenty years, and now + produced the most ample testimonials of character, his + Lordship entered into conversation with him, and found him + of extensive erudition, and orthodox principles. He + ascertained, besides, that this poor Curate had a wife with + six children entirely dependent on his exertions for + support; and that the remuneration allowed for the faithful + discharge of arduous duties, had been only thirty pounds per + annum. The Chancellor now promised his influence in behalf + of the Curate, with the person who probably might succeed to + the living. “I shall see him,” added his Lordship, “this + very day; attend me to-morrow, and you shall know the + result.” The Curate took bis leave, and in the course of the + morning the would-be Rector made his appearance. “O!” + exclaimed his Lordship, entering directly into the business, + “I have had a humble suitor with me to-day,--the Curate of + the late incumbent whom you are desirous of succeeding; he + wishes to continue in the Curacy; the poor man is burthened + with a large family, and hitherto has been very inadequately + rewarded for his labour in the productive vineyard of which + you anticipate the possession and emolument. Suppose that + you constitute the happiness of this worthy man, by giving + him a salary of one hundred pounds per annum; he will have + all the duties to perform, and you will pocket a surplus, + even then, of seven hundred a year, for in fact doing + nothing!” This would-be was astonished; he had never before + heard of a Curate in the receipt of one hundred pounds per + annum; besides, he had already engaged a person to do the + duty for twenty-five pounds. Fired with indignation at the + inhumanity and arrogant presumption of this callous-hearted + Clergyman,--“What!” exclaimed his Lordship, “and so you + would turn the poor Curate out of doors, and abridge the + miserable pittance of his successor, and all this before + you've got the living! John, shew this fellmo down stairs!” + Gladly would this Incumbent, by anticipation, have conceded + every point required; but it was too late; the die was cast, + and he found himself in the street, unknowing how he got + there, whether on his hands or his lucls! Next day the + Curate was announced. “I have not been able to succeed,” + said his Lordship,--“the new Incumbent has engaged a person + who will do the duty for twenty-five pounds per annum.” His + Lordship paused, and the unfortunate Curate looked the + personification of Despondency. “Cheer up, man!” exclaimed + his Lordship, “If I have not influence sufficient to + continue you in possession of the Curacy, I can, at least, + give you the Living!” putting into the hands, at the same + time, of the amazed Curate, the presentation to a Rectory + worth eight hundred pounds per annum!! Here we must draw the + Grecian painter's veil,--the gratification on either side + may be conceived, but cannot be expressed. + +~~278~~~ Sir Felix laughed heartily at this anecdote, and inquired of +his aunt whether she knew any of the Positive family in the North of +Ireland. + +“Perfectly well,” retorted the lady, “they are allied to the +_Wrongheads_ of the province of Munster!” + +This reproof, which was hailed with applause by Tom and Bob, +dumb-foundered the Baronet, who became suddenly taciturn; but his +habitual good humour predominated, and conscious that he had brought +on himself the inflicted castigation, he resolved on a cessation of +hostilities for the remainder of the evening. + +The invitation by Dashall having been without formal ceremony, and +unhesitatingly accepted by Miss Macgilligan and her nephew, they now, in +turn, claimed the like privilege of freedom, by soliciting the company +of the two Cousins to supper; a request which Tom and Bob cheerfully +acquiesced in; and the party immediately set out for the Baronet's +lodgings, preferring to walk the short distance, that they might view, +more leisurely, the accustomed illuminations on the anniversary of his +Majesty's birth-day. + +The variegated lamps were tastefully arranged; but this effusion of +loyalty was rather of an interested than interesting description, being +confined wholly to the public-offices, the theatres, and the different +houses of his Majesty's tradesmen; no other habitation in this immense +metropolis bearing any external indication of attachment, on the part of +its occupant, to the Sovereign of the British Empire! + +“Here comes a set of jolly fellows,” exclaimed the Baronet, as the party +of friends turned into Bow-street from Covent-Garden, “who are at least +determined to honour the anniversary of St. George and their Sovereign,” + the clang of marrow bones and cleavers resounding with harsh and +stunning dissonance. + +“Rather,” said Dashall, “fellows determined to levy contributions on the +public, caring as little for the actual George the King, as they do for +the fabulous George the Champion.” + + Now loud and yet louder the grating din grew, + And near and more near still the butcher-gang drew; + Rapacious, obstrep'rous, a turbulent set, + And bent on annoyance of all whom they met. + +~~279~~~ It was in vain that our party attempted to avoid them by +crossing the street. The intention was quickly thwarted by these +self-licensed prowlers, who intercepting our associates in the +carriage-way, encircled them in such a manner, as to preclude the +possibility of extrication; and raised, at the same time, a discoid +of sounds, compared with which the vocal minstrelsy of the long-eared +braying fraternity would have been the music of the spheres! + +Sir Felix, in chastisement of their arrogance, would singly have +encountered the whole group, had he not been restrained by Tom and Bob, +who rather than engage in a street brawl with a host of pertinacious +adversaries, chose to yield to circumstances, and purchase freedom +at the expense of a trifling pecuniary consideration, with which the +collectors departed well satisfied. + +Our observers having thus obtained their liberty, renewed their walk, +and reached the lodgings of the Baronet without farther interruption. + +During their perambulation, the following article was put into the hands +of the Squire, with which we shall conclude our Chapter of Incidents;-- + + THE KING AND THE LAUREAT. + + A LOYAL BIRTH-DAY EFFUSION. + + Hail! mighty Monarch of a mighty People!-- + While tuneful peals resound from tower and steeple, + And thundering cannons gratulations roar, + Fright'ning old Father Thames from shore to shore;-- + For King or etiquette while nobles caring, + To Buckingham-house by hundreds are repairing, + With gorgeous Dames, to whom this day a bliss is; + Accompanied by smiling lovely misses + Of eager appetite, who long to gorge + And batten on the favours of King George; + While London's Mayor and Aldermen set out + In Civic state, to grace the royal rout; + While strut the Guards in black straps and white gaiters + In honour of their Patron and Creators;{1}-- + While General Birnie musters all his forces + Of foot Police, and spavin'd Police horses, + To guard St. James's Park from innovation, + And cheque the daringness of depredation;-- + While for those partizans who mind their manners + The cabinet ministers prepare grand dinners, + And I, and others of my kindred trumpery, + Dine with the vision'ry 'yclept Duke Humphrey:{2} + I whom the Muses sometimes deign to greet, + Though perch'd in “garret vile” in White-cross street, + + 1 In honour of their Patron and Creators.--The poet, we + presume, means to draw a line of distinction between the + Military and Civic community; the one being the work of God, + the other the creation of man. + + 2 Duke Humphrey.--An ideal personage, with whom the un- + fortunate wight is said to dine who has not got a dinner to + eat. + + _Sans_ viands, drink, or necessary clothing, + Reckless of fate, and even existence loathing; + Great King amidst each various passing matter + On this auspicious day, I will not flatter; + Not that I cannot; aye, as well as any + Of heretofore or present lauréat Zany!-- + But lack of payment, Sir, and lack of zeal; + Could I your gracious bounty hope to feel, + Invention then, on eagles wings should rise, + And laud your nameless virtues to the skies!-- + + But as it is,--all hail the King!-- + With shouts let now the welkin ring, + And hence all doubts and fears; + May ages yet to come obey + The Fourth King George's lenient sway, + Even for a thousand years!{1} + + Methinks his portly form I see, + Encircled at this grand Levee + By courtly lords and ladies; + Returning every bow with smiles, + Where selfish adulation's wiles + A profitable trade is. + + But where, amid this grand display, + Is Soutkey, on each natal day + Who charm'd with Ode delicious? + Why absent now the tuneful lore, + Why sing not, as in days of yore,-- + + Has Roy'lty grown capricious? + Or barren is the courtly verse + Of genuine subject, to rehearse + The mighty monarch's fame; + His public virtues, private worth, + To chant in grateful measure forth, + And o'er the world proclaim? + + Tush, man! a driveller then, thou art, + Unequal to the merry part + Thou undertook'st to play;-- + The Birth-day comes but once a year, + Then tune thy dulcet notes and clear, + Again in annual lay. + + 1 When the combined fleets of England and Spain blockaded + the port of Toulon, the Spanish Admiral terminated a + dispatch to Lord Hood with the following notable wish,--May + your Excellency live a THOUSAND YEARS! + + Thou, who wilt still persist to write + In public apathy's despite, + Can claim no just pretension + On which to found a vague excuse;-- + Then trust, in dearth of truth, the Muse + Prolific in invention. + + Hast thou no conscience left? alack! + Hast thou forgot thy Pipe of Sack! + And annual pounds two hundred?{1} + That Hume hath not attack'd thy post, + And caused it to give up the ghost, + Is greatly to be wonder'd! + + But if the place must still be kept, + Though long the princely themes have slept + That erst the Muses lauded;-- + Give it to me, ye gods! and then + Shall Kings, above all other men, + Be rapturously applauded! + + Content with half that Southey shares, + I then would drown all worldly cares, + Yet Sack I'd not require;-- + Give me, in place of Falstaff's wine, + A butt,--to wake the song divine, + + Of Hanbury's Entire! + Now God preserve the comely face + Of George the Fourth, and grant him grace + For kindred soids to brag on!-- + May future times his deeds proclaim, + And may he even eclipse the fame + Of--Saint George and the Dragon.' + + 1 Formerly the allowance was a pipe of sack and one hundred + pounds; but his present Majesty, taking into his gracious + consideration the very difficult task which the Lauréat had + to perform, increased his salary to 200L. per annum!! + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + “Of ups and downs we daily see + Examples most surprising, + The high and low of each degree, + Now falling are, now rising. + + Some up, some down, some in, some out, + Home neither one nor t'other; + Knaves--fools--Jews--Gentiles--join the rout, + And jostle one another. + + By ups and downs some folks they say + Among grandees have got, Sir, + Who were themselves but yesterday + The Lord knows who, or what, Sir. + + _Sans_ sense or pence, in merits chair, + They dose and dream supine 0; + But how the devil they came there, + That neither you nor I know.” + +~~282~~~ +The departure of Merrywell left our three friends at perfect liberty, +and they were determined to enjoy it as much as possible during +Sparkle's visit. The remainder of the evening was therefore devoted to +the retracing of past events, in which they had formerly been engaged +together, in drinking success to Merrywell's journey, and in laying down +some plans for the proceedings of the next day. On the latter subject, +however, there were as many opinions as there were persons. The Hon. +Tom Dash all proposed going to the Review--Sparkle was for a journey +to Gravesend in the steam-boat, with the religious friends who were to +accompany Lord Gambier--and Tallyho proposed a visit to the Tower +of London, in order to inspect its interior. It was therefore left +undecided till the morning, which proving extremely inviting, they +determined to sally forth, and leave the direction of their course +wholly to chance, as they had many times done before. + +~~283~~~ Sparkle's relish for the sprees and sports of a London life, +was evidently injured by his residence in the country; though at the +same time former scenes and former circumstances rushing occasionally +upon his sight and his recollection, appeared to afford him +gratification and delight. + +“And how,” said Sparkle, addressing himself to Tallyho, “do you like the +scene of ever varying novelty--has it lost any of its charms since I saw +you last?” + +“By no means,” replied Tallyho; “for although many of them are grown +familiar to me, and many are also calculated to excite painful feelings, +I am not yet tired of the inquiry. I set out with the intention to +contemplate men and manners as they actually are, and I conceive a +useful lesson for instruction and improvement may be afforded by it.” + +“Right,” continued Sparkle, “real life is a most excellent school; and +if in imbibing the instruction with which it is fraught, the judgment is +not misled, or the mind vitiated none can be more important to mankind.” + +“Come,” said Tom, “I see you are getting into one of your moralizing +strains, such as you left us with. Now I am well aware that you have an +excellent acquaintance with the pursuits you are speaking of, and have +enjoyed them as much as myself; nor can I conceive that your temporary +absence has wrought such a change in your opinion, as to make you wholly +disregard the amusements they afford. So come along, no more preaching; +“and thus saying, he seized him by one arm, while Tallyho closed upon +the other; and they proceeded on their way along Piccadilly towards the +Haymarket. + +“Besides,” continued Dashall, “every day makes a difference in this +metropolis; so that even you who have proved yourself so able a +delineator of men and things as they were, may still find many things +deserving of your observation as they are.” + +“I do not doubt it,” was the reply; “and consequently expect, that +having just arrived from rural felicity, you will direct my footsteps +to the most novel scene of metropolitan splendour or extraordinary +character.” + +~~284~~~ “Character is an abundant and everlasting supply of humour and +eccentricity for an observant quiz like yourself, and being fly to most +occurrences either in town or country, I shall rather confine myself to +the most remarkable circumstances that happen to strike my recollection +us we proceed. The first that occurs at this moment, is the opening of a +new establishment in Regent-street, under the title of the Cafe Royale, +to which, as we have not yet paid a visit, I propose now to direct your +steps.” + +“Cafe Royale” repeated Sparkle, “there is something Frenchified in the +sound. I suppose it is quite in the tip top stile of elegance.” + +“So says report.” + +“Then _allons_,--but as we proceed, I beg to ask one question. If it +be considered important in a national point of view, that the superior +elegancies of our Parisian neighbours should be engrafted on our own +habits, and that an establishment of this nature should be formed, with +a view of its becoming the resort of rank and fashion, whether any good +reason can be given why such an establishment, in an English city for +Englishmen, should not have an English title?” + +“A most extraordinary question for a fashionable man.” + +“It may be so,” continued Sparkle; “but you must attribute it to my +country habits of thinking: however, as I like argument better than +assertion, I see no reason to abandon my question. The adoption of +any thing foreign, is only rational in proportion as it is useful or +agreeable; for foreign wines, foreign fruits, foreign made coffee, &c. +no one can be a greater advocate than myself; but I apprehend that these +good things may taste as well, whether the room in which they are taken +be called by a French or an English name.” + +“That is a truth so self evident as to require no reply; and really I +can give no sort of reason for the adoption of a French title, unless +it be with a view to give it that air of novelty which invariably proves +attractive to Johnny Bull; and I think I need not attempt to explain to +you the importance of a title.” + +“However,” said Sparkle, “I cannot help thinking, that if the place +alluded to is to become a permanent establishment, it would become an +Englishman to have an English name for it. We need not be ashamed of our +language, although some folks disdain to use it, if they can find +any substitute, however inapt. Why should it not be called the Royal +Coffee-house, the King's Coffee-house, the Patrician, the Universal, or +in fact any thing, so that it be English?” + +~~285~~~ “Because,” said Tallyho, “those titles are already engrossed +by newspaper editors, coffee-shops of a lower order, magazines, &c.: +for instance, we have the Royal Magazine, the Universal Magazine; +and consequently these are all grown common, and any thing common is +extremely vulgar.” + +“Besides,” continued Dashall, “_Cafe Royale_ is a mouthful, without +attacking its contents; and the very sound of it seems to impart a +taste, before you approach it, of what may be obtained in the interior. +Zounds! this country life of your's seems to have altered your opinions, +and almost obliterated your former education: I never had any relish for +it.” + +“In town let me live, and in town let me die, For in truth 1 can't +relish the country, not I: If one must have a villa in summer to dwell, +Oh give me the sweet shady side of Pall Mall.” + +By this time they had reached the Cafe Royale, and upon entrance were +ushered by a man in blue livery, with gold laced trimmings, into an +apartment far exceeding in splendour any thing that their previous +conversation had led them to expect. The walls, formed of looking glass +and rich tapestry, and ornamented in a fanciful manner, reflected their +persons as they passed along at every point; while the choicest flowers +and shrubs, with which they were surrounded, sent forth a delightful +fragrance, and gave some distant idea of Eastern luxuries. + +“Here,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “is elegance at least; and if +the accommodations are found to be equally good, it can be of little +consequence to us whether the place itself have an English or a foreign +name.” + +“I confess,” replied Sparkle, “that I still conceive, that as a place +of resort appropriated to the upper ranks of natives and foreigners, +magnificent in its decorations, superior in its accommodations, and +conducted with skill and liberality, to become truly national and +deserving of support, it should be honoured with an English title.” + +“And that it certainly is,” continued Dashall, “not only one but many, +for nobility is frequently to be found within its walls; nay, a proof of +it appears at this moment, for there is Lord P------ and Lord C------ now +entering; but come, let us try the coffee, catch a view of the papers, +and proceed.” + +~~286~~~ They had now seated themselves near an elderly gentleman, who +seemed to be in deep contemplation, occasionally rubbing his hands with +apparent gratification, and shaking his head with importance, while he +glanced over a newspaper which lay before him. + +“I should judge,” said Tallyho, “he is a member of parliament, +probably conning over the report of his last night's speech in the +House.” + +“Or probably,” said Dashall, “an author in search of ideas for his +next publication, wherein he intends to cut up the ministers and their +measures.” + +“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “or a quack doctor, examining if the editor +has given insertion to his new flaming advertisement, wherein he +promises to perform what is utterly impossible to be accomplished.” + +“I wonder if he can speak,” said Tom, laying clown the paper; “I'll try +him.--A fine morning, Sir.” + +As this was directed immediately to meet the old gentleman's ear, he +looked up for the first time since they had entered. + +“Beautiful, Sir,” was the reply--and here the conversation ceased again. + +“Excellent coffee,” said Sparkle,--“is there any news to-day, Sir?” + endeavouring to rouse him again. + +“There is always news, Sir,” was the reply, taking a plentiful supply of +snuff. + +“Of one sort or other,” continued Bon. + +“Why yes, have we not every day a quantity of newspapers that make their +appearance with the sun?” + +“Truly,” replied Sparkle; “but you could hardly misunderstand me--I +alluded to something out of the common run of events; such, for +instance, as relates to the interests of the nation, the agricultural +distress, the distress of the Irish, the state of the American +independents, the proceedings of the Spanish cortes, and the French +chamber; the movements of the Greeks, the operations of Turkey and +Russia, or the--or--” + +“Why, Sir, your inquiries are very rational; and as I perceive you have +a desire for intelligence, and I have at all times a desire to impart +such as I am in possession of for the benefit of others, the newspapers +have abundance of information; but I must say the editors, though men of +education and intelligence, are not always well informed: besides, Sir, +there is no reliance on their assertions; many valuable and important +secrets are in the hands of individuals, which never find their way into +the public journals.” + +~~288~~~ Having proceeded thus far, our three friends were all +anxiety to continue what now assumed the appearance of an interesting +conversation. + +“The nation is gull'd by misrepresentation, from the high to the low one +system is acted upon; but I have a document in my pocket which came into +my possession in rather an extraordinary manner, and is as extraordinary +in its contents; it was thrust into my hand on my way here by a +stranger, who instantly disappeared.” + +“A curious salute,” observed Tom; “probably some state paper, some +information on foreign affairs, or a petition to be presented to the +House.” + +“The fact is, Sir, as I had no conversation with the stranger, I was +ignorant of the importance of the document; but upon opening it, judge +of my astonishment, when I found it concerned a Prince well known to the +British nation, whose interests depend on its support.” + +“O ho,” said Sparkle, “then perhaps it is of a delicate nature, and more +attaching to private circumstances than public affairs.” + +“You shall hear, Sir.--It was an appeal to myself, amongst others, in +which Russia was stated to be in such connection with Greece, that +the heads of this kingdom could not but be conscious of the important +results; results, Sir, that were enough to make one's hair stand on end; +indeed, I have never been able to dismiss the subject from my mind since +I first cast my eye over the information.” + +“Zounds, then,” cried Dashall, “there is much to be apprehended.” + +“It is impossible for me,” continued the old gentleman, “to say how +far the distinguished person to whom I have alluded has already, or +may hereafter succeed in the objects he has in view; but this I think +certain, that if he can but interest the Poles on his side, his affairs +must thrive.” + +The Hon. Tom Dashall by this time was puzzled with the lengthened +introduction this gentleman was giving; he sipped his coffee--looked +grave--smiled, took up the paper--pretended to read--then laid it down +again. + +~~288~~~ Sparkle looked wise, and betrayed his anxiety by moving closer +to the communicant. Tallyho fixed his eyes on the old gentleman, with an +apparent desire to count the words he uttered. + +“In the meantime,” continued the interesting stranger, “he is so +indefatigable in diffusing through all ranks of society, by means of the +press and private agents, a knowledge of the power he has of smoothing +the way to success, that the crown ought to receive his proffered aid +for its own benefit.” + +“Then,” said Sparkle, “it really is a document of public importance: if +not too great a favour, might we be allowed a sight of the------” + +“The document,--Oh certainly, Sir,” said he, hastily rising and drawing +a printed paper from his pocket; “I will leave it with you:” then +throwing it on the table, he made a precipitate retreat. + +The little care which the old gentleman seemed to take of this scrap of +importance, struck them all with wonder. + +“A rum old codger,” said Tom; “and I recommend his observations, as well +as the produce of his pocket, to the serious consideration of our friend +Sparkle, who will perhaps read this paper for the benefit of us all.” + +Sparkle, who by this time had unfolded this mysterious paper, burst into +a hearty laugh; and as soon as he could command his risibility, he read +as follows: + +“PRINCE'S RUSSIA OIL, For promoting the growth of Hair.” + +“And Sparkle introduced to Greece,” said Tom.--“Well, the old buck has +paid you off for your interruption: however, he has certainly proved his +own assertion, that there is no reliance on any body.” + +“A mountain in labour,” continued Tom,--“I think he had you in a line, +however.” + +“I cannot help thinking,” replied Sparkle, “that there is a great +similarity between him and some of our most popular parliamentary +orators, for he has said a great deal to little purpose; but come, let +us move on, and lose no more time in the French coffee house, discussing +the merits or virtues of Russia oil.” + +~~289~~~ This proposition being acceded to, our friends now took their +way along Pall Mall, where the improvements recently made struck Sparkle +with pleasure and delight; the appearance of new and elegant houses +occupying the situation of buildings of a shabby and mean exterior, +and the introduction of new streets, were subjects of considerable +admiration. + +“The rapidity of alterations in London,” said Sparkle, “are almost +inconceivable.” + +“That remark,” replied Tom, “only arises from your late absence from the +scene of action; for to us who frequently see their progress, there is +but little to excite wonder. Now for my part I am more astonished +in present times, when so many complaints are made of distress, that +occupiers can be found for them, and also seeing the increase of +buildings at every part of the environs of London, where tenants can be +found to occupy them.” + +“I confess,” said Tallyho, “that is a subject which I have often thought +upon without being able to come to any reasonable conclusion; it appears +to me to prove a great increase of population, for although I am aware +of the continued influx of new comers from the country, the towns and +villages appear as full as ever.” + +“I am not able to solve the mystery to my own satisfaction,” replied +Sparkle, “in either case, though I cannot help acknowledging the facts +alluded to. It however seems in this place to prove the correctness of +the Poet's lines, who says, + + “Wherever round this restless world we range, + Nothing seems constant saving constant change. + Like some magician waving mystic wand, + Improvement metamorphoses the land, + Grubs up, pulls down, then plants and builds anew, + Till scenes once loved are banished from our view. + The draughtsman with officious eye surveys + What capabilities a site displays: + How things may be made better for the worse, + And much improve--at least the schemer's purse.” + +Continuing their course along Parliament-street, they soon arrived at +Westminster-bridge, when the day proving extremely fine, it was proposed +to embrace the opportunity of making an excursion by water. The tide +served for London Bridge, and without further ceremony, Tom, Bob, and +Sparkle jumped into a wherry, and were quickly gliding along upon the +bosom of Old Father Thames. The smiling appearance of the day, and the +smooth unruffled surface of the water, excited the most cheerful and +enlivening feelings of the mind. + +~~290~~~ “Nice weather for the rowing match,” said a bluff looking +sturdy built waterman, who had doffed his coat, waistcoat, and cravat, +in order to facilitate him in performing his duty. + +“Rowing match,” inquired Tom. “When does it take place?” + +“Why this afternoon at four o'clock, your Honour. Vauxhall will be very +full to-night,--Them ere people what's got it now are a getting plenty +of company, and they will have a bumper to-night, for the gentlemen what +belongs to the funny club gives a funny to be rowed for.” + +“That's funny enough,” exclaimed Sparkle. + +“And convenient too,” said Tom; “for as we have no engagement for the +evening, we can mingle with the lads on their water frolic.” + +“With all my heart,” said Bob; “and as I am given to understand Vauxhall +is greatly improved, it will make an admirable wind up of the day.” + +Approaching Waterloo Bridge--“What have we here,” exclaimed Tallyho. + +“That,” said Tom, “is a floating fire engine, for the protection of +shipping, and sometimes very useful in cases of fire on the banks of the +river.” + +“An excellent idea,” continued Bob, “because they can never be in want +of water.” + +“Will you sit a little more this way, Sir, if you please? we shall trim +better.” + +Bob rose hastily upon this intimation; and had not his Cousin caught him +by the coat, would have trimmed himself into the watery element. + +“Zounds, man, you had nearly upset us all. You must trim the boat, and +sit steady, or we shall all go to Davey's locker. You must not attempt +to dance in such a vehicle as this.” + +Bob's confusion at this circumstance created laughter to his two +friends, which however he could not exactly enjoy with the same relish; +nor did he perfectly recover himself till they were safely landed at +Tower Stairs. + +“Now,” said Tom, “I propose a peep at the interior of this place, a row +down to Greenwich to dinner, and then a touch at the rowing match; what +say you--agreed on all hands.” + +~~291~~~ “Then,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “wait for us here old boy, +and you shall be our conveyancer.” + +“I don't know nothing of you, gentlemen; and you understand me, I'm +not a going to be done--I'm too old a hand to be catch'd in that there +fashion; but if so be you engages me for the day, you can take the +number of my boat--but then you must tip.” + +“Right,” said Sparkle, “who knows whether we shall escape the Lions, and +then how is old rough and tough to get paid.” + +“You'll excuse me, gentlemen, I don't mean no affront upon my soul; but +I have stood the nonsense before now, and been flung--but I von't +be sarved out in that there way any more. I am up to the gossip, and +expects you'll come down with the rag.” + +“Certainly,” said Tom Dashall with a smile; “I am aware of the hint, +which by the way is pretty broadly conveyed, therefore be satisfied; +“and giving him a sovereign, they proceeded into the Tower. + +The entrance to the Tower from the wharf is by a drawbridge, near to +which is a cut connecting the river with the ditch, having a water gate, +called Traitor's Gate; state prisoners having been formerly conveyed by +this passage from the Tower to Westminster for trial; and over this gate +is the water-works which supply the fortress. + +Having passed the drawbridge, Bob looked around him, almost conceiving +himself in a new world; he saw houses and streets, of which he had +formed no conception. + +“Zounds,” said he, “this Tower seems almost to contain a City.” + +“Yes,” replied Dashall, “it occupies some ground. Its extent within the +walls is twelve acres and five roods. The exterior circuit of the ditch, +which entirely surrounds it, is 3156 feet. The principal buildings are +the Church, the White Tower, the Ordnance Office, the Record Office, +the Jewel Office, the Horse Armoury, the Grand Store House, the +small Armoury, the houses belonging to the Officers, barracks for the +Garrison, and two Suttling Houses for the accommodation of the military +and the inhabitants.” + +~~292~~~ The White Tower, as it is called, is a large square building in +the centre of the fortress; on the top of which are four watch towers, +one being at present used as an observatory. Neither the sides of this +building, nor the small towers, are uniform. The walls are whitewashed: +near to it is the grand storehouse, a plain building of brick and stone, +345 feet long, and 60 feet broad. + +Being conducted to the Spanish{1} armory, Tallyho was much gratified +with a view of its contents--trophies of the famous victory of Queen +Elizabeth over the Spanish armada, among which the most remarkable were +the thumb screws, intended to be used in order to extort confession +from the English, where their money was hidden. The axe with which +the unfortunate Anne Bullen was beheaded by order of Henry VIII.; +a representation of Queen Elizabeth in armour, standing by a +cream-coloured horse, attended by a page, also attracted his attention; +her majesty being dressed in the armour she wore at the time she +addressed her brave army at Tilbury, in 1588, with a white silk +petticoat, richly ornamented with pearls and spangles. In the Small +Armory, which is one of the finest rooms in Europe, containing complete +stands of arms for 100,000 men, they could not but admire the beautiful +and elegant manner in which the arms were disposed, forming tasteful +devices in a variety of figures: a piece of ordnance from Egypt, and the +Highland broadsword, also claimed particular notice. + + 1 The Spanish Armory, Small Armory, Train of Artillery, and + Horse Armory, may be seen at the price of 2s. each person, + with a compliment per company to the Warder. + +The Volunteer Armory, containing arms piled in beautiful order for +30,000 men, with pikes, swords, &c. in immense numbers, presented +to them a fine figure of Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, in bright +armour, bearing the very lance he actually used in his lifetime, which +is no less than 18 feet long. The Sea Armory, containing arms for nearly +50,000 seamen and marines, and the Royal Artillery, which is partly kept +on the ground floor under the Small Armory, next underwent inspection. +Here they could not help admiring the room, which is 380 feet long, +50 feet wide, and 24 feet high, and the many peculiarly fine pieces of +cannon which it contained. The artillery is ranged on each side, leaving +a passage in the centre of ten feet in breadth. Twenty pillars in +this room support the Small Armory above, which are hung round with +implements of war, and trophies taken from the enemy, producing +altogether a grand and imposing effect. + +~~293~~~ The Horse Armory--a noble room, crowded with +curiosities--proved a source of high gratification. Here they found +themselves in company with all the kings of England, from William the +Conqueror to George III.; the whole on horseback, and in armour. The +armour of John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster, seven feet high, and the +sword and lance of proportionable size, were viewed as objects of +wonder. + +In the Jewel Office,{1} containing the regalia of state, was the next +object to which they directed their attention. Here they were shewn the +Imperial Crown, with which the Kings of England are crowned: it is +made of gold, enriched with diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires, +and pearls. The cap is of purple velvet, lined with white taffety, and +turned up with three rows of ermine. This crown is never used but at +coronations; the golden globe, which is placed in the King's right hand +before he is crowned; the golden sceptre and its cross, upon a +large amethyst, decorated with table diamonds; the sceptre, which is +considered to be far the most ancient in the collection, and probably a +part of the original regalia, is covered with jewels and gothic enamel +work, surmounted with an onyx dove, was found by the present keeper +in the year 1814, and is estimated at a very high value. St. Edward's +staff, made of beaten gold, and which is borne before the King in the +coronation procession, is 4 feet 7 inches and a half in length, and 3 +inches and 3 quarters round. The golden saltseller, the sword of mercy +without a point, the grand silver font, used for christenings of the +royal family, and the crown of state worn by the King at his meeting +of the Parliament, and other state occasions, were viewed in succession +with admiration and delight. The latter is of great splendour and value; +it is covered with precious stones of a large size, and on the top of +its cross is a pearl, which Charles I. pledged for eighteen thousand +pounds to the Dutch Republic: under the cross is an emerald diamond, +of a palish green colour, valued at one hundred thousand pounds, being +seven inches and + + 1 The Jewel Office is shewn for 1s. each person in company; + a single person pays 1s. 6d.: it may be seen separately, but + not without a Warder. + +a half in circumference; in the front is a rock ruby in its purely +natural state, unpolished, three inches in length, the value of which +cannot be estimated. Several other curiosities of state regalia--such as +the golden eagle, the golden spur, the crown of Queen Mary, the cross +of King William, and the diadem worn by the Queens Anne and Mary, were +numbered among the valuable jewels contained in this office, together +with abundance of curious old plate, the value of which, independent +of several of the jewels, which are inestimable, is not less than two +millions sterling. + +~~294~~~ “Now,” said Dashall, as they left the Jewel Office, “we have +taken a view of the inanimates, we must not leave the spot without +a peep at the lions;{l} for though I believe there is nothing very +extraordinary in the collection, more than may be seen at the menagerie +at Exeter Change, it would be an unpardonable omission not to see the +lions in the Tower.” + + 1 The wild beasts, &c. are shewn at 1s. each. + +For this purpose they proceeded to the western entrance, where they were +quickly introduced by the keeper to the various animals under his care, +and who, in going round with them, explained, as usual, their several +histories. + +In examining these various curiosities, time had imperceptibly stolen a +march upon them, and their original plan of proceeding to Greenwich was +found to be impracticable; besides which, upon reaching the stairs where +they had landed, the bluff old waterman was not to be found. + +“Zounds,” said Dashall, “this looks like a do. I wonder what's become of +the old blade.” + +Sparkle began to laugh, and Bob bit his lip. Tom made inquiry of a boy +at the stairs, who informed him that Barney was gone to the suttling +house to smoak a pipe. + +“All right,” said Tom, “then we will soon rouse him, and start.” + +Upon this they moved back again into the Tower, and according to the +directions they had received, they found Barney in the tap-room, +puffing away care, and singing with Stentorian voice to the surrounding +company-- + + “From Irongate to Limehouse Hole, + You will not meet a kinder soul, + While the Thames is flowing, + Pull away ho--Pull away ho.” + +~~295~~~ In search of real life and character, and at all times rather +inclined to promote mirth than spoil sport, our friends immediately +entered unperceived by Barney, and taking an opposite corner of the +room, were quickly attended by the landlord, who received orders, and +produced them supplies. + +The song being over, and Barney rewarded for his exertions by the most +enthusiastic applause of the room, he renewed his pipe, at the same +time declaring to a soldier who sat near him, he thought “he had miss'd +fire, for he was d------d if he didn't think he'd lost his company, +or his company had lost him--but that he had taken care to nibble the +blunt, and upon that there score all was right--so landlord tip us +another quart, and if they don't make their appearance by the time +I've got through that, I'll tip them the toddle, shove off my boat, and +disappear.--That's the time of day, an't it, boy.” + +“Why aye, to be sure,” replied the soldier, “you watermen leads a happy +life; you are your own masters, you does just as you pleases, while a +soldier dare as well be d------d as desert his post. But I say, Barney, +mind what + +you says,--nose--nose;” accompanying the last two words with a +significant action of placing his finger on his nose, and winking his +eye. + +Upon this intimation, which appeared to be well understood by Barney, +he puffed off an immoderate cloud of smoke, and looking round the room, +perceived his customers in the corner. + +“Be quiet,” said he, “that's my fare--so it's all right again,--Do you +want me, gentlemen; I am always ready, so that whenever you says the +word, Barney's your boy.” + +“Presently,” said Dashall, “for it would be hard to make you start upon +a full jorum.” + +“Why I must say,” continued Barney, “I never likes to leave a foaming +quart behind me;” and catching hold of the pot of _heavy wet_, he roared +out,-- + +“What a hearty blade am I, + + Care can never touch my heart; + Every trouble I defy, + While I view the foaming quart.” + +and taking a hearty drink, he handed it to his companion, filled +his pipe afresh, lighted, and informed the gentlemen he was at their +service; when in a few minutes all being ready, they were quickly on +board. + +~~296~~~ “I don't like the looks of the weather, my masters, why we +shall have a shower presently, where will you go to?” + +“To Vauxhall,” was the reply. + +“Very well, your Honour, then here goes; but if you don't get a sousing, +my name an't Barney.” + +This prognostication proved true, for before they reached Blackfriars +Bridge, a smart shower came on, which nearly wetted them through before +they could reach land. When this was accomplished, they proceeded to the +Horn Tavern, Doctors Commons, where they partook of an excellent repast, +and the weather clearing up, they again joined Barney. + +By this time the promising fineness of the evening had induced many +to venture forth to the rowing match, and the river was all gaiety and +delight. Boats of every description were seen filled with well dressed +persons, both male and female: the smiling countenances of the lads and +lasses were in unison with the laughing sun, that darted his brilliant +beams upon the dimpled wave, which seemed to leap in return with +grateful animation. The shores were lined with spectators, anxiously +waiting the moment for the commencement of this trial of skill. Our +friends were highly delighted with the prospect before them, and at the +appointed time, having rested on their oars near the place of starting, +they saw with pleasure the active preparations on the part of the +competitors, and upon the signal being given for the start, the river +appeared to consist of nothing but moving conveyances of happy faces, +all guided in one direction. The 'shouts of the various friends of the +occasionally successful candidates for the honour of victory, and the +skill and dexterity with which they manoeuvred against each other, were +subjects of continued admiration; while bands of music were heard from +boats that intermingled with the throng. The lads of the Funny Club were +in high glee--numerous cutters and sailing boats, with their owners and +visiting friends, were also in the throng. Barney pulled away like +a good one, and for a considerable distance kept nearly up with the +principal actors in this gay and animated scene of aquatic diversion, +and arrived off Cumberland gardens just in time to have an excellent +view of the winner coming in at the appointed spot, in prime style, +amidst the loud and reiterated plaudits of his friends. + +~~297~~~ The intention of visiting Vauxhall Gardens was, however, for +the present evening relinquished; and our party, feeling fatigued by +their excursion, repaired homeward, where for the present we shall leave +them to their quiet and repose. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + “I hate that drum's discordant sound, + Still rolling round and round and round,” + +--298~~~ Exclaimed Dashall, as he advanced from the breakfast table +towards the window, when a pleasing and singular street-exhibition +presented itself, which had attracted around a numerous audience, of all +ages and conditions. + +An itinerant purveyor of novelties was in the act of showing forth to an +admiring crowd, the docility of a tame hare. On a table in the street, +on which was placed a drum, the little animal stood, in an erect +posture, and with surprising tractableness obeyed the commands of its +exhibiter, delivered in very broken English, with which, nevertheless, +it seemed perfectly conversant. + +“Vat mattiere now, dat you be so solky, and no take notice of your goot +friends?--Come, Sare, shew your politesse, and salute de genteelmens +at de window, who so kind as come to look at you.--Make way dere, goot +peoples and leetel childer, dat de genteelmens sail see,--dat vill do. +Now, sare, begin;--do your beisance all round.” + +The animal, without any apparent instruction to whom to give the +precedency of obeisance, immediately faced “de genteelmens at de +window,” and saluted them with a conge of particular respect; which +being acknowledged with a motion of the hand by Dashall, the intelligent +animal expressed its sense of his complacency, by a second obeisance, +more profound than the first. + +The spectators applauded, and the performer testified its gratitude by a +bow, all round. + +“Dat all goot. Now, sare, tree role on de drom for _le Roi +d'Angletterre:--Vive le Roi d'Anglettere!_” + +This command the animal very promptly obeyed, by substituting its fore +feet for sticks, and giving three prolonged rolls of the drum, each in +distinct succession. + +“Now den for Messieurs.” + +~~299~~~ With equal alacrity this hint was attended to, and as _le Roi +d'Angletterre_ had three, so de genteelmens at de window were honoured +with two rolls of the drum. + +The like compliment was paid to all de Englise peoples; and the minor +salute of one roll was given to the surrounding spectators. + +The indefatigable drummer was next required to give a token of regard +for the Cook; but this he declined to do, and the order, though +frequently given, was as frequently uncomplied with. + +“Vill you take notice of me, den?” + +This question was instantly answered by the accustomed mark of respect. + +“Genteelmans at de window, and peoples on de street, my leetel drommer +no love de cook,--no show her de respect dat he show you--he know dat de +cook be no friend of de pauvre hare; “--then turning towards the animal, +--“Vat,” said he, “must I speak all de tanks mineself?” + +In deficiency of speech, the animal reiterated its obeisances-- +“Diable!” exclaimed the exhibiter--“here comes de cook, to kill and spit +you!” + +The hare instantly hastened to its hiding place, and thus terminated the +exhibition. + +“This epitome of the world,” observed Tallyho, “lacks nothing to gratify +every sense of man! Here industry is on the alert to accumulate wealth, +and dissipation in haste to spend it. Here riot and licentiousness +roll triumphantly in gilded state, while merit pines in penury and +obscurity;--and here ingenuity roams the streets for a scanty and +precarious subsistence, exhibiting learned pigs, dogs, and so +forth, that will cast accounts with the precision of an experienced +arithmetician; and a tame hare that will beat a drum, and make a bow +more gracefully than a dancing-master. This last instance of human +ingeniousness, by which the poor Frenchman picks up a living, would +almost induce a belief that the power of art is unlimitable, and that +apparently insurmountable difficulties may be overcome by diligent +perseverance!--Who, besides this foreigner, would have thought of +divesting a hare of its natural timidity, and rendering it subservient, +by a display of intelligence, to the acquirement of his subsistence?” + +~~300~~~ “And who,” said Dashall, “would have thought, but a German, of +training canary-birds to imitate military evolution,--make a prisoner +of one of their fellows as a deserter,--try and condemn him to +death,--apparently execute the sentence, by shooting him with a small +gun,--and finally, bear away the motionless and seemingly lifeless body +on a wheel-barrow, for interment!--Nay, who would think of inverting the +order of nature, by creating and cementing a union of friendship between +cats and birds and mice, associating them together, within the confines +of a cage, in the utmost harmony of social intercourse?--And who shall +presume to set bounds to the human art, that from a deal board has +constructed the figure of a man that will beat at the difficult game of +chess, the first players in Europe;{1} and created a wooden musician, +that in a solo from the trumpet, will excel the best living performers on +that instrument!” + + 1 It appears by the following letter from Presburg, in + Hungary, that this wonderful automaton was originally + invented and exhibited there:-- + + “During my stay in this city, I have been so happy as to + form an acquaintance with M. de Kempett, an Aulic Counsellor + and Director General of the salt mines in Hungary. It seems + impossible to attain to a more perfect knowledge of + Mechanics, than this gentleman hath done. At least no artist + has yet been able to produce a machine, so wonderful in its + kind, as what he constructed about a year ago. M. de + Kempett, excited by the accounts he received of the + extraordinary performances of the celebrated M. de + Vaucanson, and of some other men of genius in Prance and + England, at first aimed at nothing more, than to imitate + those artists. But he has done more, he has excelled them. + He has constructed an Automaton, which can play at chess + with the most skilful players. This machine represents a man + of the natural size, dressed like a Turk, sitting before the + table which holds the chess-board. This table (which is + about three feet and a half long, and about two feet and a + half broad) is supported by four feet that roll on castors, + in order the more easily to change its situation; which the + inventor fails not to do from time to time, in order to take + away all suspicion of any communication. Both the table and + the figure are full of wheels, springs, and levers. M. de + Kempett makes no difficulty of shewing the inside of the + machine, especially when he finds any one suspects a boy to + be in it. I have examined with attention all the parts both + of the table and figure, and I am well assured there is not + the least ground for such an imputation. I have played a + game at chess with the Automaton myself. I have particularly + remarked, with great astonishment, the precision with which + it made the various and complicated movements of the arm, + with which it plays. It raises the arm, it advances it + towards that part of the chess-board, on which the piece + stands, which ought to be moved; and then by a movement of + the wrist, it brings the hand down upon the piece, opens the + hand, closes it upon the piece in order to grasp it, lifts + it up, and places it upon the square it is to be removed to; + this done, it lays its arm down upon a cushion which + is placed on the chess-board. If it ought to + take one of its adversary's pieces, then by one entire + movement, it removes that piece quite off the chess-board, + and by a series of such movements as 1 have been describing, + it returns to take up its own piece, and place it in the + square, which the other had left vacant. I attempted to + practise a small deception, by giving the Queen the move of + a Knight; but my mechanic opponent was not to be so imposed + on; he took up my Queen and replaced her in the square she + had been removed from. All this is done with the same + readiness that a common player shews at this game, and I + have often engaged with persons, who played neither so + expeditiously, nor so skilfully as this Automaton, who yet + would have been extremely affronted, if one had compared + them to him. You will perhaps expect me to propose some + conjectures, as to the means employed to direct this machine + in its movements. I wish I could form any that were + reasonable and well-founded; but notwithstanding the minute + attention with which I have repeatedly observed it, I have + not been able in the least degree to form any hypothesis + which could satisfy myself. The English ambassador, Prince + Guistiniani, and several English Lords, for whom the + inventor had the complaisance to make the figure play, stood + round the table while I played the game. They all had their + eyes on M. de Kempett, who stood by the table, or sometimes + removed five or six feet from it, yet not one of them could + discover the least motion in him, that could influence the + Automaton. They who had seen the effects produced by the + loadstone in the curious exhibitions on the Boulevards at + Paris, cried out, that the loadstone must have been the + means here employed to direct the arm. But, besides that + there are many objections to this supposition, M. de + Kempett, with whom I have had long conversations since on + this subject, offers to let any one bring as close as he + pleases to the table the strongest and best-armed magnet + that can be found, or any weight of iron whatever, without + the least fear that the movements of his machine will be + affected or disturbed by it. He also withdraws to any + distance you please, and lets the figure play four or five + moves successively without approaching it. It is unnecessary + to remark, that the marvellous in this Automaton consists + chiefly in this, that it has not (as in others, the most + celebrated machines of this sort) one determined series of + movements, but that it always moves in consequence of the + manner in which its opponent moves; which produces an + amazing multitude of different combinations in its + movements. M. de Kempett winds up from time to time the + springs of the arm of this Automaton, in order to renew its + MOVING FORCE, but this, you will observe, has no relation to + its guiding FORCE or power of direction, which makes the + great merit of this machine. In general I am of opinion, + that the contriver influences the direction of almost every + stroke played by the Automaton, although, as I have said, I + have sometimes seen him leave it to itself for many moves + together; which, in my opinion, is the most-difficult + circumstance of all to comprehend in what regards this + machine. M. de Kempett has the more merit in this invention, + as he complains that his designs have not always been + seconded by workmen so skilful as was requisite to the exact + precision of a work of this nature; and he hopes he shall, + ere long, produce to the world performances still more + surprising than this. Indeed one may expect every thing from + his knowledge and skill, which are exceedingly enhanced by + his uncommon modesty. Never did genius triumph with less + ostentation.” + + +~~302~~~ “London is a rare place for sights,--always something +new;--where the spirits need never flag through want of amusement. Let +me recapitulate,--there is the automaton chess-player and the automaton +trumpeter,--the family compact, alias amicable society of cat, birds, +and mice,--the military canaries, and an hundred phenomena besides, of +which we shall make the round in due time. In the meanwhile, let us +set out, like the knight of La Mancha, in search of adventures, without +running the risk of mistaking windmills for giants: one of the former +would, indeed, be a high treat to the insatiable curiosity of the +inhabitants of this metropolis; and as to giants, there are none on +shew since Bartholomew-fair, excepting those stationary gentlemen, the +twin-brothers, Gog and Magog, in Guildhall.” + +Passing through the town without meeting with any new object worthy +of particular notice, they found themselves at the extremity of +Threadneedle-street, when Dashall, pointing to a neat plain building, +“this,” said he, “is the South Sea House. The South Sea Company was +established for the purpose of an exclusive trade to the South Seas, +and many thousands were ruined by the speculation: the iniquity and +deception were at last discovered, and those who were at the head +were punished. The eager hope of wealth frequently engenders +disappointment,--but here credulity attained her zenith;--amongst other +schemes, equally practicable, the projectors of this notorious bubble +set up a method of making butter from beech-trees; a plan to learn +people to cast their nativity; an insurance against divorces; and a way +of making deal boards out of saw-dust!” + +“And is it possible,” inquired Tallyho, “that such most preposterous +theories obtained belief?” + +“Even so,” answered Dashall,--“What is there in which human folly +will not believe?--We have all read of the bottle-conjurer.{1}--The +prevalence of curiosity is universal. I could safely stake any money, +that if public notice was given of a person who would leap down his own +throat, he would gain belief, and a full audience would favour him with +their company to witness his marvellous performance.” + + + 1 This speculator by wholesale in English credulity, + advertised, “that he would, in the Haymarket theatre, + literally and _bona fide_ creep into a quart bottle; and + further, would, when inside such quart bottle, entertain the + audience with a solo on the violin!” + + Long before the appointed hour of performance, the house was + crammed at all points, and thousands were sent from the + doors for want of room. The most eager curiosity prevailed + as the time drew near for the commencement of these + extraordinary feats, and the clamour for the appearance of + the performer was incessant and vociferous. At last he came + forward upon the stage, and all was breathless attention. + “Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that I cannot, to- + night, find a bottle large enough for the purpose intended; + but to-morrow I faithfully engage to go into a pint bottle, + in atonement of the present disappointment!” He then + retired. The shock was electrical,--a dead silence prevailed + for a moment;--the delusion vanished, and “confusion worse + confounded” ensued; the interior of the house was nearly + demolished. His It. H. the D. of C. was present, and lost a + gold-hilted sword. During “the wreck of matter and the crush + of worlds,” the speculator made off with his booty. + +~~303~~~ Proceeding into Bishopsgate-street, the new City of London +Tavern caught the attention of Tallyho. + +“This,” observed his friend, “is probably the first tavern in London, +with reference to superior accommodation. Here congregate the most +eminent corporate bodies, directors of public institutions and others, +on occasions of business or enjoyment; here the admirable arrangement +of every thing conducive to comfort is minutely attended to; here the +plenitude of abundance, and the delicacies of luxury, distinguish the +festive board, and the culinary art is shown forth to the very acme of +perfection; which, together with the varied, unsophisticated excellence +of the richest wines, secure to this celebrated tavern the continuance +of a well-merited public approbation. But one of these days we shall +avail ourselves of practical experience, by forming part of the company +at dinner.” + +Proposing in their way home to take the skirts of the metropolis, they +directed their course through Moorfield, where Tallyho remarked on the +unseemly desolate waste there presenting itself, and expressed surprise +that it was not appropriated to some purposes of utility or ornament. + +~~304~~~ “It appears,” answered Dashall, “as if some such improvement +was in projection; probably a new square, if we may so opine from +present indications; however, be the intention what it may, the +execution is uncommonly tardy; with the exception of the central +iron-railing, the handsome structure on the opposite side, the solitary +building on the right, and range of new houses on the left, the tout +ensemble was the same twenty years ago. It is a scene of dilapidation +which might perhaps have been + +“More honoured in the breach than in th' observance.” + +I recollect, that when a boy, I frequently extended my rambles into +the quarters of Moorfields, for so was this place then named, from its +compartments, exhibiting rural appearance even in the centre of London. +Here were four enclosed fields, displaying in the season the beautiful +verdure of nature; and numerous trees branching, in ample shade, over +two great walks, that intersected each other at right angles, and formed +the afternoon promenade of the citizens' wives and daughters. In former +times, the quarters of Moorfields were resorted to by holiday visitants, +as the favourite place of rendezvous, where predominated the recreation +of manly exercises, and shows, gambols, and merriment were the orders of +the day. The present is an age of improvement,--and yet I cannot think, +in an already monstrously overgrown metropolis, the substitution of +bricks and mortar an equivalent for green fields and rural simplicity.” + +Leaving Moorfields, they passed, in a few minutes, into Finsbury-square. + +Tallyho appeared surprised by its uniformly handsome edifices, its +spacious extent, and beautiful circular area, in which the ground is +laid out and the shrubberies disposed to the very best advantage. “Here, +at least,” he observed, “is a proof that Taste and Elegance are not +altogether excluded a civic residence.” + +“In this square, taking its name from the division of Finsbury,” said +Dashall, “reside many of the merchants and other eminent citizens of +London; and here, in the decorations, internally, of their respective +mansions, they vie with the more courtly residents westward, and exceed +them generally in the quietude of domestic enjoyment.” + +~~305~~~ Renewing their walk along the City Road, the gate of Bunhill +Fields burying-ground standing conveniently open, “Let us step in,” said +Dashall,--“this is the most extensive depository of the dead in London, +and as every grave almost is surmounted by a tombstone, we cannot fail +in acquiring an impressive _memento mori_.” + +While examining a monumental record, of which there appeared a countless +number, their attention was withdrawn from the dead, and attracted by +the living. An elderly personage, arrayed in a rusty suit of sables, +with an ink bottle dangling from one of the buttons of his coat, was +intently employed in copying a long, yet well written inscription, to +the memory of Patrick Colquhon, L.L.D., author of a Treatise on the +Police of the Metropolis, and several other works of great public +utility. Having accomplished his object, the stranger saluted +Dashall and Tallyho in a manner so courteous as seemingly to invite +conversation. + +“You have chosen, Sir,” observed Mr. Dashall, “rather a sombre cast of +amusement.” + +“Otherwise occupation,” said the stranger, “from which I derive +subsistence. Amidst the endless varieties of Real Life in London, I am +an _Epitaph-Collector_, favoured by my friends with the appellation of +_Old Mortality_, furnished them by the voluminous writer and meteor of +the north, Sir Walter Scott.” + +“Do you collect,” asked Tallyho, “with the view of publishing on your +own account?” + +“No, Sir,--I really am not in possession of the means wherewith +to embark on so hazardous a speculation. I am thus employed by an +eccentric, yet very worthy gentleman, of large property, who ambitious +of transmitting his name to posterity, means to favour the world with a +more multitudinous collection of epitaphs than has hitherto appeared +in any age or nation;--his prospectus states “Monumental Gleanings, in +twenty-five quarto volumes!” + +“Astonishing!” exclaimed Dashall,--“Can it be possible that he ever will +be able to accomplish so vast an undertaking?” + +“And if he does,” said Tallyho, “can it be possible that any person will +be found to read a production of such magnitude, and on such a subject?” + +~~306~~~ “That to him is a matter of indifference,” said Old +Mortality,--“he means to defray the entire charges, and the object of +publication effected, will rest satisfied with the approbation of the +discerning few, leaving encomium from the multitude to authors or +compilers more susceptible of flattery,-- + + “Born with a stomach to digest a ton!” + +As to the quantum of materiel, he is indefatigable in personal research, +employing besides numerous collectors even in the sister island, and in +this, from the Land's-end to Johnny Grot's house.” + +“And when,” asked Dashall, “is it probable that this gigantic work may +be completed?” + +“Can't say,” answered Old Mortality,--“I should think at no very remote +period: the collection is in daily accumulation, and we are already in +possession of above ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND.” + +“Prodigious!” exclaimed Dashall, “as Dominic Sampson says. And pray, +Sir, what number may your assiduities have contributed towards the +aggregate?” + +“That,” answered Old Mortality, “I cannot exactly ascertain; to those, +however, already supplied, this ground will yield a considerable +increase.” + +“May we solicit,” said Tallyho, “without the imputation of intrusion, +the favour of your reading to us from your table-book, a few of the most +remarkable epitaphs?” + +Old Mortality readily promised gratification as far as possible, but he +had not his table-book with him; “I have been employed to day,” said he, +“in making extracts from one of our manuscript folio volumes, for the +purpose of insertion in the different metropolitan daily papers;--here +they are”--taking a small bundle from his pocket, tied round with red +tape,--“one for each paper: permit me, gentlemen, for a moment just to +look over the endorsations.” + +The triumvirate now seated themselves on a tombstone, and Old Mortality +untying the bundle of extracts, laid them down in loose compact; then +taking up the first, and reading the superscription, shewing for what +newspaper it was intended, he reversed it on the tombstone.--“This,” + said he, “is for “_The Times, British Press, Morning Post, Morning +Chronicle, Morning Advertiser, Morning Herald, Public Ledger_,--all +right,--and sorted, as the postman sorts his letters: I shall take, +first of all, Printing-house Square, the others are in a direct line of +delivery.” This important arrangement made, he took up one paper from +the bundle, and read the contents with an audible voice:--~~307~~~ + +SPECIMEN OF MONUMENTAL GLEANINGS, + +Extracted from the manuscript folio of a new compilation of Epitaphs, +serious and eccentric, now in collection, from numerous Dormitories in +Great Britain and Ireland; To be completed with all possible expedition, +And will be ushered to the patronage of a discerning Public, in +Twenty-five quarto volumes. + + In the Church-yard of Winchester, Hants. + + Here lies interred a Hampshire Grenadier, + Who got his death by drinking cold small beer. + Soldiers, take heed from his untimely fall, + And if you drink, drink strong, or none at all. + + In Stepney Church-yard. + + Here lies the body of Daniel Saut, + Spitalfields weaver,--and that's all. + + In Chigwem Church-yard. + + This disease you ne'er heard tell on, + I died of eating too much melon; + Be careful then all you that feed--I + Suffer'd, because I was too greedy. + + In St. John's, Leeds. + + _Hic jacet_, sure the fattest man + That Yorkshire stingo made; + He was a lover,--of his can, + A clothier by his trade. + His waist did measure three yards round, + He weighed almost three hundred pound; + His flesh did weigh full twenty stone,-- + His flesh, I say--he had no bone,-- + At least 'tis said that he had none. + + Eltham. + + My wife lies here beneath, + Alas from me she's flown! + She was so good, that Death + Would have her for his own. + + At Maidstone. + + My life was short, as you may see, + I died at only twenty-three. + Now free from pain and grief I rest + I had a cancer in my breast; + The Doctors all their physic tried, + And thus by slow degrees I died! + + Northampton. + + Here lies the corpse of Susan Lee, + Who died of heartfelt pain, + Because she lov'd a faithless he, + Who lov'd not her again! + Pray for me, old Thomas Dunn,-- + But if you don't,--'tis all one! + + In Aberdeen, Scotland. + + Here lies auld William Alderbroad. + Have mercy on his soul, Lord God, + As he would have were he Lord God, + And thou auld William Alderbroad! + + Sir William Walworth, Lord Mayor of London + St. Michael's, Crooked Lane. + Hereunder lyth a man of fame, + William Walworth callyd by name; + Fishmonger he was in life time here, + And twice Lord Maior as in bookes appere, + Who with courage stout and manly might + Slew Wat Tyler, in King Richard's sight. + For which act done and trew intent, + The King made him a Knight incontinent, + And gave him armes, as heere you see, + To declare his fait and chivalrie. + He left this life the yere of our God, + Thirteene hundryd fourscore and three, odd. + + William Wray. + In the same Church-yard. + + Here lyeth, wrapt in clay, + The body of William Wray;-- + I have no more to say. + +Interchanging civilities, the party now separated, the collector to +resume his occupation, and the two friends their walk. + +“Twenty-five quarto volumes,” exclaimed the Squire, “and exclusively +filled with epitaphs; this fellow has set himself a task with a +vengeance!” + +“And which,” answered his friend, “he will never be able to accomplish; +however, the ambition of renown as a voluminous collector is the less +censurable, as being unattended by any of its too frequently pernicious +concomitants, and giving to others an acceptable and not irrational +employment; he is only blameable in the projected extent, not the nature +of his pursuit; and happy would it be for mankind did the love of fame +engender no greater evil than that, if any, which may accrue from the +Herculean labours of this epitaph collector.” + +“Yet to us, the uninitiated of the country, it would never occur that +there existed even in London a man who disseminated his fortune, and +applied his mental and corporeal energies in gleaning epitaphs.” + +“Neither perhaps would it occur that there existed even in London a +virtuoso who discovered that fleas were a species of lobster, and who +proceeded to proof by the ordeal of boiling water, on the supposition +that the process would change their hue from black to red, and thus +satisfactorily establish the correctness of his judgment; unfortunately, +however, the boiled fleas still retained their original colour, and the +ingenious hypothesis was reluctantly relinquished.”{1} + + 1 It is told of another virtuoso, that he was waited upon + one morning by a stranger, who announced that he had the + opportunity of procuring an inestimable curiosity--a horned + cock; but that its owner, an avaricious old woman, had her + domicile in the highlands of Scotland, to which remote + region it would be necessary to travel, amply provided with + the pecuniary means of securing this wonderful bird; and + that it would be expedient to set out immediately, lest the + matchless phenomenon should become the prize of a more + fortunate competitor. + + “A horned cock! the very acme of frolicsome nature,--a + desideratum in the class of _lusus naturae_, which I would + rather possess than the mines of Peru!--Away, my dear + fellow; speed like lightning to the north,--purchase this + precious bird at any price; and should the old woman + hesitate at separation from her cornuted companion, why then + purchase both, and bring them to town with all possible + celerity!” + + In the interval between this important mission and the + achievement of its object, the anxiety of the virtuoso was + inexpressible;--a horned cock! it was the incessant subject + of his cogitations by day, and of his dreams by night. At + last the auspicious moment arrived; in the still noontide of + night the preconcerted rap at the street door announced the + happy result of the momentous expedition. The virtuoso + sprang from his couch with extasy to admit the illustrious + prodigy of nature. His astonishment, delight, and triumph + were unspeakable:--two horns of the most beautiful curva- + ture adorned the crested head of this noble northern. + Anticipation thus blessed by the fulness of fruition, the + bringer was super-abundantly rewarded. Next morning the + virtuoso sent a message to each of his most highly favoured + friends, desiring attendance at his house instantaneously, + on an occasion of vast importance. “Gentlemen,” said he to + his assembled visitants, “I may now boast possession of that + whicli will astonish the universe--a horned cock! behold the + rara avis, and envy my felicity!” So saying, he uncovered a + wicker basket, when lo! the bird, shorn of its honours! + indignant at confinement, and struggling for freedom, had + dropped its waxen antlers! The unfortunate virtuoso stood + aghast and speechless, and only at last found utterance to + curse his own credulity! + +~~310~~~ Pursuing their course along the City Road, the two friends were +attracted by the appearance of a caravan, stationary on the road side, +whereon was inscribed, in large characters, The Female Salamander. + +“Here is another instance,” observed Dashall, “of the varieties of Real +Life in London.” + +“Walk in, gentlemen,” exclaimed the proprietor, “and see the surprising +young woman over whom the element of fire has no control!” + +Tom and Bob accepted the invitation. Entering the caravan, they were +received by an interesting young female, apparently not more than +eighteen years of age, with a courteousness of manner far beyond what +could have been expected from an itinerant exhibitor. + +So soon as a sufficient number of spectators had congregated within the +vehicle, the female Salamander commenced her exhibition. + +Taking a red-hot poker from the fire, she grasped it firmly, and drew +it from head to point through her hand, without sustaining the smallest +injury! + +~~311~~~ “Will you permit me to look at your hand?” asked Dashall. + +The girl extended her hand,--the palm was moist, and seemed to have +been previously fortified against danger by some secret liquid or +other application, now reeking from its recent contact with the flaming +weapon. + +An uncivilized bumpkin accused her of deception, asserting that the +poker was not heated to the extent represented. + +“Touch and try,” answered the girl. He did so, and the cauterizing +instrument gave a feeling (although not very satisfactory) negative to +his assertion. + +“The mystery,” continued Dashall, “of resisting the impression of +tire, certainly originates in the liquid by which your hand has been +protected.” + +“I shall answer your observation,” said the Salamander, “by another +performance.” + +She then dipped her fingers into a pot of molten lead, and let fall +upon her tongue several drops of the metallic fluid, to the no small +amazement and terror of the company; and as if to remove the idea of +precautionary application, she after a lapse of five minutes, repeated +the same extraordinary exhibition, and finally immerged her naked feet +in the boiling material. + +The inscrutable means by which the Salamander executed these feats with +the most complete success and safety, were not to be divulged; and as +neither of our respectable friends felt desirous of emulating the fair +exhibitant, they declined the importunity of further inquiry. + +“This is, indeed,” said Dashall, as they resumed their walk, “the age +of wonders:--here is a girl who can bear to gargle her mouth with melted +lead, put her delicate feet into the same scalding material, and pass +through her hands a flaming red-hot poker! I am inclined to believe, +that were the present an age of superstition, she might be burnt for a +witch, were she not happily incombustible. For my own part, I sincerely +hope that this pyrophorous prodigy will never think of quitting her own +country; and as I am a bachelor, I verily believe I should be tempted to +make her an offer of my hand, could I flatter myself with any chance +of raising aflame, or making a match with such uninflammable commodity. +Only conceive the luxury, when a man comes home fatigued, and in a hurry +for his tea, of having a wife who can instantly take out the heater +for ~~312~~~ the urn with her fingers,--stir the fire with ditto--snuff +candles with ditto--make a spit of her arm, or a toasting fork of her +thumb! What a saving, too, at the washing season, since she need only +hold her hand between the bars till it is red-hot, thrust it into a +box iron, and iron you off a dozen children's frocks, while an ordinary +laundress would be coddling the irons over the fire, spitting upon them, +and holding them to her cheek to ascertain the heat before she began to +work.” + +“And,” observed the Squire, taking up his friend's vein of humour, “if +the young lady be as insensible to the flames of Cupid as she is to +those of Vulcan, she might still be highly useful in a national point of +view, and well worthy the attention of the various fire-offices.” + +“Exactly so,” replied his Cousin,--“how desirable for instance would it +have been at the late alarming fire in Gracechurch-street, to have had +a trustworthy person like her, who could very coolly perambulate +the blazing warehouses, to rescue from the flames the most valuable +commodities, or lolling astraddle upon a burning beam, hold the red-hot +engine pipe in her hand, and calmly direct the hissing water to +those points where it may be most effectually applied. In our +various manufactories, what essential services she might perform. +In glass-houses, for instance, it is notorious that great mischief +sometimes arises from inability to ascertain when the sand and flint +have arrived at the proper degree of fusion. How completely might this +be remedied, by merely shutting up the female Salamander in the furnace; +and I can really imagine nothing more interesting, than to contemplate +her in that situation, dressed in an asbestos pelisse, watching the +reproduction of a phoenix hung up in an iron cage by her side, fondling +a spritely little Salamander, and bathing her naked feet in the vitreous +lava, to report upon the intensity of heat. Much more might be urged +to draw the attention of government to the propriety of retaining this +anti-ignitible young lady, not only for the benefits she may confer upon +the public, but for the example she may afford to others of her own +sex; that by a proper exertion of courage, the most ardent sparks may be +sometimes encountered without the smallest inconvenience or injury.” + +~~313~~~ Indulging in this playful vein of raillery, they now reached +that part of the City Road intersected by the Regent's Canal, where its +spacious basin, circumjacent wharfs and warehouses, and winding line of +water, with barges gliding majestically on its placid wave, where lately +appeared open fields arrayed in the verdure of nature, afforded full +scope for remark by Mr. Dashall, on the gigantic design and rapid +accomplishment, by commercial enterprize, of the most stupendous +undertakings. + +“This work of incalculable public utility,” said Mr. Dashall, “sprang +into being with the alacrity of enchantment;--the same remark may +apply to every other improvement of this vast metropolis, so rapid in +execution, that one thinks of the wonderful lamp, and the magnificent +palace of Aladdin, erected in one night by the attendant genii.” + +Onwards towards “merry Islington;”{1}--“here,” said Dashall, “is the New +River: this fine artificial stream is brought from two springs at Chad +well and Am well, in Hertfordshire, for the supply of London with water. +It was finished in 1613, by Sir Hugh Middleton, a citizen of London, who +expended his whole fortune in this public undertaking. The river, with +all its windings, is nearly 39 miles in length; it has 43 sluices, +and 215 bridges; over and under it a great number of brooks and +water-courses have their passage. In some places this canal is carried +through vales, and in others through subterraneous passages. It +terminates in a basin called the New River Head, close by. From the +reservoir at Islington the water is conveyed by 58 main pipes under +ground along the middle of the principal streets; and thence by leaden +pipes to the different houses. Thus, by means of the New River, and +of the London Bridge water-works, every house in the metropolis is +abundantly supplied with water, at the expense each of a few shillings +only per annum. + + 1 Thus all through merry Islington + These gambols he did play. + + John Gilpin. + +This village of Islington is a large and populous place, superior +both in size and appearance to many considerable towns in the country. +Observe the Angel Inn, celebrated for its ordinary, where you may +enjoy, after a country ramble, an excellent dinner on very moderate +terms.--Apropos, of the Angel Inn ordinary: some years ago it was +regularly every Sunday attended by a thin meagre ~~314~~~ gaunt and bony +figure, of cadaverous aspect, who excited amongst the other guests no +small degree of dismay, and not without cause. Cognominated the Wolf, he +justified his pretensions to the appellation, by his almost incredible +powers of gormandizing; for a quantum of viands sufficient for six men +of moderate appetite, would vanish on the magic contact of his knife and +fork, in the twinkling of an eye; in fact, his voracity was considered +of boundless extent, for he invariably and without cessation consumed +by wholesale, so long as eatables remained on the table. One day, after +having essentially contributed to the demolition of a baron of beef, and +devoured an entire shoulder of lamb, with a commensurate proportion of +bread, roots, vegetables, &c, he pounced, with the celerity of a hawk, +on a fine roast goose, which unfortunately happened to have been just +then placed within the reach of his annihilating fangs, and in a very +short space of time it was reduced to a skeleton; having occasion for a +few minutes to leave the room, the company in the meanwhile secreted the +bones of the goose. The waiter now entered for the purpose of removing +the cloth: casting his eyes round the room, he seemed absorbed in +perplexity--“What is the matter?” asked one of the company; “do you miss +arty thing?”--“Yes, Sir, the bones of a goose!”--“Why then you may save +yourself the trouble of further search; the gentleman just gone out, +of modest manners and puny appetite, has devoured the goose, bones and +all!”--The waiter lost no time in reporting the appalling fact to +his master, who now more than ever was desirous of getting rid of the +glutton--but how? it was impossible to exclude him the ordinary, or set +bounds to his appetite; the only resource left was that of buying him +off, which was done at the rate of one shilling per diem, and the wolf +took his hebdomadary repast at a different ordinary: from this also his +absence was purchased at the same rate as by the first. Speculating on +his gluttony, he levied similar contributions on the proprietors of the +principal ordinaries in the metropolis and environs; and if the fellow +is still living, I have no doubt of his continuing to derive his +subsistence from the sources already described!--Now what think you of +Real Life in London?”{1} + + 1 The wolf, so cognominated, was less censurable for his + gluttony than the infamous purpose to which he applied it-- + otherwise he had a parallel in a man of sublime genius. + Handel one day entered a tavern in the city and ordered six + mackarel, a fowl, and a veal cutlet, to be ready at a + certain hour. True to his appointment, he re-appeared at the + time stipulated, and was shown into an apartment where + covers were laid for four. Handel desired to have another + room, and ordered his repast to be served up immediately.-- + “Then you don't wait for the rest of the company, sir?” + said the waiter.--“Companee! vat you tell me of companee?” + exclaimed Handel. “I vant no companee. I order dem two tree + ting for my lonch!” The repast was served up, and honoured + by Handel to the bones. He then drank a bottle of wine, and + afterwards went home to dinner! + + During one of the campaigns of Frederick of Prussia, a boor + was brought before him of an appetite so incredibly + ravenous, that he offered to devour a hog barbacued. A + general officer present ob-served, that the fellow ought to + be burnt as a wizard.--“May it please your Majesty,” said + the gormand, “to order that old gentleman to take off his + spurs, and I will eat him before I begin the hog!” Panic + struck, although a brave soldier, at the idea of being + devoured alive, the general shut himself up in his tent + until the man-eater departed the encampment. + +~~315~~~ The Squire knew not what to think--the circumstance was +so extraordinary, that the story would have been rejected by him as +unworthy of notice, had it been told by any other person; and coming +even from his respectable friend, he remained, until reassured of the +fact, rather incredulous of belief. + +Descending the declivity leading from Pentonville to Battle Bridge, +Dashall, pointing to an extensive pile of buildings at some little +distance on the left,--“That,” said he, “is Cold Bath Fields +Penitentiary House, constructed on the plan of the late Mr. Howard, and +may be considered in all respects as an experiment of his principles. +It cost the county of Middlesex between £70 and £80,000, and its yearly +expenditure is about £7,000. It was opened in 1794, and was originally +designed only as a kind of Bridewell; but having suitable accommodations +for several descriptions of prisoners, it was applied to their different +circumstances. The prison you may observe is surrounded by a wall of +moderate height. Here are workshops for the prisoners; an office in +which the business of the prison is transacted; a committee-room, and +the best chapel of any prison in London. The cells are 218 in number, +about eight feet long each. In these, penitentiary prisoners are +confined till they have completed their tasks, when they are let into +the courts at the back. Owing to the exertions of Sir Francis ~~316~~~ +Burdett, and his partizans, this house, about the year 1799 and 1800, +attracted much popular odium. Many abuses, now rectified, were then +found to exist in the management, though not to the full extent +described.” + +A new scene now rose on the view of our two pedestrians. A little +further on, in a field by the roadside, a motley assemblage of auditors +environed an orator mounted on a chair, who with frequent contortion +of feature, and appropriate accompaniment of gesticulation, was holding +forth in the spirit, as Pashalt, surmised, either of radicalism or +fanaticism. This elevated personage, on closer approximation, proved to +be a field-preacher, and judging from exterior appearance, no stranger +to the good things of this life, although his present admonitory +harangue strongly reprobated indulgence in the vanities of this wicked +world;--he was well clad, and in portly condition, and certainly his +rubicundity of visage by no means indicated on his part the union of +practice with precept. + +Nothing of further interest occurred, and they reached home, +pleased with their day's ramble, that had been productive of so +much amusement;--“thus verifying,” said Dashall to the Squire, +“the observation which you lately made--that every hour brings to a +metropolitan perambulator a fresh accession of incident.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + Observe that lean wretch, how dejected he looks, + The while these fat Justices pore o'er their books.-- + “Hem, hem,--this here fellow our fortunes would tell,-- + He thence at the treading-mill must have a spell: + He lives by credulity!”--Most people do,-- + Even you on the bench there,--ay, you Sir, and you! + Release then the Confrer at Equity's call, + Or otherwise build treading-mills for us all! + +~~317~~~ Adverting to the trick recently and successfully practised +on Sir Felix O'Grady, by a juvenile adept in fraud, obtaining from the +Baronet a new suit of clothes; his servant, indignant at his master +having been thus plundered with impunity, had, for several days, been +meditating in what manner most effectually to manouvre, so as to +recover the lost property, and retrieve the honor of Munster, which he +considered tarnished by his master having been duped by a stripling; +when one morning a hand-bill was found in the area, intimating the +residence in Town, pro bono publico, of a celebrated professor of the +Occult Sciences; to whom was given the sublime art of divination, and +who, by astrological and intuitive knowledge, would discover lost or +stolen property, with infallible precision. Thady, whose credulity was +of no inferior order, elate with the idea of consummating his wishes, +communicated to his master the happy opportunity, and was permitted +to seek the counsel of the celestial augurer. Not that the Baronet +entertained any belief of its proving available of discovery, but rather +with the view of introducing to his friends, Dashall and Tallyho, a +fresh source of amusement, as connected with their diurnal investigation +of Real Life in London. + +Thither then, Thady repaired, and consulting the Seer, was astonished +by responses which implied the most profound knowledge of times past, +present, and to come! The simplicity of Thady had not escaped the +Astrologer's ~~318~~~ notice, who, by dint of manouvre having contrived +to draw from the Munster man, unwittingly, the requisite intelligence, +merely echoed back the information thus received, to the utter amazement +of Thady, who concluded that the Doctor must have intercourse with the +Devil, and thence that he merited implicit veneration and belief. The +sage predictor having received the customary douceur, now dismissed his +credulous visitant, saying that the planets must be propitiated, and +desiring him to come again at the expiration of twenty-four hours, when +he would receive further intelligence. + +Tom and his Cousin having called at the lodging of Sir Felix during +the time that Thady was out on his expedition of discovery, the Baronet +apprized his friends of the amusement in reserve; and they agreed to +visit this expounder of destinies on the servant's return. + +Thady at last arrived, and having reiterated his belief that this +marvellous conjurer was the devil's own relative, the party set out +to ascertain by what means they could prove the truth of the affinity +between his infernal majesty and the sage descendant of the Magi. + +Gaining the sublunary domicile of this mystical unraveller, which for +the greater facility of communication with the stars he had fixed in the +loftiest apartment of the house, our trio knocked at the door, which, +after some hesitation, was opened by an ancient Sybil, who was presently +joined by her counterpart, both “so withered and so wild in their +attire,” that “they looked not like inhabitants o' th' earth, and yet +were on it.” On the party requiring to see the Doctor, the two hags +explained in a breath that the Doctor received only one visitor at a +time; and while one gentleman went up stairs, the other two must remain +below; and this arrangement being acquiesced in, Tom and Bob were shewn +into a mean looking room on the ground floor, and Sir Felix followed the +ascent of his conductor to the attic. + +Entering the presence chamber,--“Welcome, sphinx,” exclaimed the Doctor. + +“By the powers,” said the Baronet, “but you are right to a letter; the +Sphinx is a monster-man, and I, sure enough, am a Munster-man.” + +“I know it.--What would'st thou, Sir Felix O'Grady?” + +~~319~~~ The Baronet felt surprised by this familiar recognition of his +person, and replied by observing, that as the inquirer so well knew his +name, he might also be acquainted with the nature of his business. + +“I partly guess it,” rejoined the Seer, “and although I cannot +absolutely predict restitution of thy lost property, yet I foresee that +accident will throw the depredator in thy way, when the suit may perhaps +find its way back to thy wardrobe. Now, hence to thy business, and I to +mine.” + +The Baronet having nothing further to ask, withdrew accordingly; and our +Squire of Belville-hall was next ushered into the _sanctum sanctorum_. + +Bob was at a loss what to say, not having prepared himself with any +reasonable pretext of inquiry. A silence of a few moments was the +consequence, and the Squire having first reconnoitred the person of the +conjurer, who was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his profession, +scrutinized the apartment, when the attention of the visitor and visited +being again drawn to each other, the Soothsayer addressed himself to +Tallyho in the following words: + + The shadows of joy shall the mind appal, + And the death-light dimly flit round the hall + Of him, by base lucre who led astray, + Shall age into fruitless minion betray! + + The death-light shall glimmer in Belville-hall, + And childless the lord of the mansion fall; + A wife when he weds, vain, ugly, and old, + Though charms she brings forty thousand in gold! + +The Squire was not prone to anger; but that this fellow should interfere +with his private concerns, and impute to him the intention of forming a +most preposterous connexion, under the influence of avarice, roused him +into a whirlwind of passion.--“Rascal!” he exclaimed, “who take upon +you to predict the fate of others, are you aware of your own! Vagabond! +imposter! here I grasp you, nor will I quit my hold until I surrender +you into the hands of justice!” And “suiting the action to the word,” he +seized and shook the unfortunate Seer, to the manifest discomposure of +his bones, who loudly and lamentably cried out for assistance. Alarmed +by the clamour, Dashall and the Baronet rushed up stairs, to whom the +Squire stated the aggravation ~~320~~~ received, and at the same time +his determination to bring the cheat to punishment. The trembling +culprit sued for mercy, conscious that he was amenable to correction as +a rogue and vagabond, and if convicted as such, would probably be sent +to expiate his offence in the Treading-Mill at Brixton, a place of +atonement for transgression, which of all others he dreaded the most.{1} + + 1 Union-Hall.--Hannah Totnkins, a miserable woman of the + town, was brought before R. G. Chambers, Esq. charged with + having robbed another of the unfortunate class of her + clothes. It appeared, that the prisoner had been liberated + from Brixton prison on Friday-last, after a confinement of + three weeks; and that on coming out she was met by the + complainant, Catherine Flynn, by whom she was taken to a + comfortable lodging, supplied with necessaries, and treated + with great kindness. The prisoner acted with propriety until + Monday night, during which she remained out in the streets. + On Tuesday morning, at four o'clock, she came home drenched + with rain. The complainant desired her either to go to bed, + or to light a fire and dry her clothes. The prisoner did + neither, and the complainant went to sleep. At about seven + the latter awoke, and missed her gown, petticoat, and + bonnet. The prisoner was also missing. The complainant + learned that her clothes were at a pawnbroker's shop, where + they had been left a short time before by the prisoner. + Hall, the officer, having heard of the robbery, went in + quest of the prisoner, and found her in a gin-shop in + Blackman-street, in a state of intoxication. He brought her + before the magistrates in this condition. Her hair was + hanging about her face, which was swelled and discoloured by + the hardship of the preceding night. She did not deny that + she had stolen the clothes of her poor benefactress, but she + pleaded in her excuse, that the condition of her body, from + the rain of Monday night, was such, that nothing but gin + could have saved her life, and the only way she had of + getting that medicine, was by pledging Katty Flynn's + clothes. The magistrates asked the prisoner whether she had + not got enough of the treading-mill at Brixton. The prisoner + begged for mercy's sake not to be sent to the treading-mill. + She would prefer transportation; for it was much more + honourable to go over the water, than to be sent as a rogue + and vagabond to Brixton. She was sent back to prison. It is + a remarkable fact, that since the famous Treading-Mill has + been erected at Brixton, the business of this office has + greatly declined. The mill is so constructed, that when a + man ventures to be idle in it, he receives a knock on the + head from a piece OF WOOD, which is put there to give them + notice of what they ere to do!!! + +~~321~~~ The two ancient Sybils from the lower regions having now +ascended the scene of confusion, united their voices with that of the +astrologer, and Dashall and Sir Felix also interceding in his behalf, +the Squire yielded to the general entreaty, and promised the soothsayer +forgiveness, on condition that he disclosed the source whence he +derived information as to the Baronet's family concerns. The soothsayer +confessed, that he had elicited intelligence from the servant, who +in his simplicity had revealed so much of his master's affairs, as to +enable him (the conjurer) to sustain his reputation even with Sir Felix +himself, whom from description he recognized on his first entrance, and +by the same means, and with equal ease, identified the person of the +Squire of Belville-hall. He added besides, that he had frequently, by +similar stratagem, acquired intelligence; that chance had more than once +favoured him, by verifying his predictions, and thus both his fame and +finances had obtained aggrandisement. He now promised to relinquish +celestial for sublunary pursuits, and depend for subsistence rather on +the exercise of honest industry than on public credulity. + +Thus far had matters proceeded, when the Baronet's servant Thady was +announced. The triumvirate anticipating some extraordinary occurrence, +desired the soothsayer to resume his functions, and give the valet +immediate audience, while they retired into another apartment to wait +the result. In a few minutes the servant was dismissed, and the party +readmitted. + +“Chance,” said the augurer, “has again befriended me. I told you, Sir +Felix, that the depredator would be thrown in your way: my prediction is +realized; he has been accidentally encountered by your servant, and is +now in safe custody.” + +On this information our party turned homewards, first leaving the +astrologer a pecuniary stimulation to projected amendment of life. + +“There seems nothing of inherent vileness,” said the Squire, as they +walked onwards, “in this man's principles; he may have been driven +by distress to his present pursuits; and I feel happy that I did not +consign the poor devil to the merciless fangs of the law, as, in the +moment of irritation, I had intended.” + +“By my conscience,” exclaimed Sir Felix, “I cannot discover that he +ought to be punished at all. He has been picking up a scanty living by +preying on public credulity; and from the same source thousands in this +metropolis derive affluent incomes, and with patronage and impunity.” + +~~322~~~ “And,” added Dashall, “in cases of minor offence a well-timed +clemency is frequently, both in policy and humanity, preferable to +relentless severity.”{1} + + 1 As a contrast to these exemplary feelings, and in + illustration of Real Life in London, as it regards a total + absence of sympathy and gentlemanly conduct, in one of a + respectable class in society, we present our readers with + the following detail:-- + + Hatton Garden. On Saturday sennight, Robert Powell was + brought before the magistrates, charged with being a rogue, + vagabond, and imposter, and obtaining money under + fraudulent pretences, from one Thomas Barnes, a footman in + the service of Surgeon Blair, of Great Russell-street, + Bloomsbury, and taking from him 2s. 6d. under pretence of + telling him the destinies of a female fellow-servant, by + means of his skill in astrological divina-tion. The nature + of the offence, and the pious frond by which the disciple of + Zoroaster was caught in the midst of his sorceries, were + briefly as follow:--This descendant of the Magi, born to + illumine the world by promulgating the will of the stars, + had of course no wish to conceal his residence; on the + contrary, he resolved to announce his qualification in the + form of a printed handbill, and to distribute the manifesto + for the information of the world. One of these bills was + dropped down the area of Mr. Blair's house; it was found by + his footman, and laid on the breakfast-table, with the + newspaper of the morning, as a morceau of novelty, for his + amusement. Mr. Blair concerted with some of the agents of + the Society for the Suppression of Vice, a stratagem to + entrap the Sidéral Professor; in the furtherance of which he + dictated to his footman a letter to the Seer, expressive of + a wish to know the future destinies of his fellow-servant, + the cook-maid, and what sort of a husband the constellations + had, in their benign influence, assigned her. With this + letter the footman set out for No. 5, Sutton-street, Soho, + where he found the Seer had, for the convenience of prompt + intercourse, chosen his habitation as near the stars as the + roof of the mansion would admit. Here the footman announced + the object of his embassy, delivered his credentials, and + was told by the Seer, that “lie could certainly give him an + answer now, 'by word of mouth,' but if he would call next + day, he should be better prepared, as, in the meantime, he + could consult the stars, and have for him a written answer.” + The footman retired, and returned next morning, received the + written response, gave to the Seer the usual donation of 2s. + 6d. previously marked, which sum he figured upon the answer, + and the receipt of which the unsuspecting Sage acknowledged + by his signature. With this proof of his diligence, he + returned to his master, and was further to state the matter + to the magistrates. A vigilant officer was therefore sent + after the prophet, whom he found absorbed in profound + cogitation, casting the nativities of two plump damsels, + and consulting the dispositions of the stars as to the + disposition of the lasses; but the unrelenting officer + entered, and proceeded to fulfil his mission. On searching + the unfortunate Sage, the identical half-crown paid him by + Barnes was found, with two others in his pocket, where such + coins had long been strangers; and the cabalistical chattels + of his profession accompanied him as the lawful spoil of the + captor. The magistrate, before whom he had been convicted on + a former occasion of a similar offence, observed that it was + highly reprehensible for a man who possessed abilities, + which by honest exertion might procure him a creditable + livelihood, thus to degrade himself by a life of imposture + and fraud upon the ignorant and unwary. The wretched + prisoner, who stood motionless and self-convicted, exhibited + a picture of wretchedness from whicli the genius of + Praxiteles would not have disdained to sketch the statue of + Ill Luck. Never did soothsayer seem less a favourite of the + Fates! Aged, tall, meagre, ragged, filthy and care-worn, his + squalid looks depicted want and sorrow. Every line of his + countenance seemed a furrow of grief; and his eyes gushing + with tears, in faint and trembling accents he addressed the + Court. He acknowledged the truth of the charge, but said, + that nothing but the miseries of a wretched family could + have driven him to such a line of life. If he had been able, + he would gladly have swept the streets; but he was too + feeble so to do; he had tried every thing in his power, but + in vain,-- + + “He could not dig, to beg he was ashamed;” + + and even if begging, either by private solicitation or + openly in the streets, could promise him a casual resource + in the charity of the passing crowd, he was afraid he should + thereby incur prosecution as a rogue and vagabond, and be + imprisoned in Bridewell. Parish settlement he has none; and + what was to be done for a wretched wife and three famishing + children? He had no choice between famine, theft, or + imposture. His miserable wife, he feared, was even now + roaming and raving through the streets, her disorder + aggravated by his misfortunes; and his wretched children + without raiment or food. To him death would be a welcome + relief from a life of misery, tolerable only in the hope of + being able to afford, by some means, a wretched subsistence + to his family. + + The magistrates, obviously affected by this scene, said that + they felt themselves obliged to commit the prisoner, as he + had not only been repeatedly warned of the consequences of + his way of life, but was once before convicted of a similar + offence. He was therefore committed for trial. + + Does Surgeon Blair, who obtains his twenty guineas a day, + and lives in affluence, think by such conduct as the present + to merit the esteem of the world, by thus hunting into the + toils of justice such miserable objects? If he does, though + we cannot respect him or his associates for their humanity, + we may undoubtedly pity them for their ignorance and + superstition. + +~~324~~~ On the arrival of the party at the lodgings of Sir Felix, they +learned from the servant, that the latter having met the young swindler +in the streets, Thady recognized and secured him; and he was now at the +disposal of the Baronet, if he chose to proceed against him. + +The sprig of iniquity, when made forthcoming, did not deny the accuracy +of the charge, neither did he offer any thing in exculpation. It +was with much difficulty, however, and under the threat of his being +immediately surrendered to justice, that he would disclose the name of +his father, who proved to be a respectable tradesman residing in the +neighbourhood. The unfortunate parent was sent for, and his son's +situation made known to him. The afflicted man earnestly beseeched, that +his son might not be prosecuted; he was not aware, he said, that the +lad was habitually vicious; this probably was his only deviation from +honesty; he, the father, would make every reparation required; but +exposure would entail upon his family irretrievable ruin. It was +elicited from the boy, amid tears and sobs of apparent contrition, that +the articles of apparel were in pledge for a small sum; redemption, and +every other possible atonement, was instantly proposed by the father: +Sir Felix hesitated, was he justifiable, he asked, in yielding to his +own wishes, by foregoing prosecution?--“The attribute of mercy,” said +Dashall, “is still in your power.”--“Then,” responded the Baronet, “I +shall avail myself of the privilege. Sir, (to the father), your boy is +at liberty!” The now relieved parent expressed, in the most energetic +manner, his gratitude, and retired. The prediction of the Seer was fully +verified, for in the course of the evening the stray suit found its way +back to the wardrobe of its rightful owner. + +This business happily concluded, and the day not much beyond its +meridian, the three friends again sallied forth in the direction +of Bond-street, towards Piccadilly. As usual, the loungers were +superabundant, and ridiculous. Paired together, and swerving continually +from the direct line, it required some skilful manouvring to pass +them. Our friends had surmounted several such impediments, when a new +obstruction to their progress presented itself. A party of Exquisites +had linked themselves together, and occupied the entire pavement, +so that it was impossible to precede them without getting into the +carriage-way, thus greatly obstructing and inconveniencing all other +passengers. Lounging at a funeral pace, and leaving not the smallest +opening, it was evident that ~~325~~~ these effeminate animals had +purposely united themselves for public annoyance. Sir Felix, irritated +by this palpable outrage on decorum, stepped forward, with hasty +determined stride, and coming unexpectedly and irresistibly in contact, +broke at once the concatenated barrier, to the great amusement as +well as accommodation of the lookers-on, and total discomfiture of the +Exquisites, who observing the resolute mien and robust form of their +assailant, not forgetting a formidable piece of timber, alias “sprig +of shillaleagh,” which he bore in his hand, prudently consulted their +safety, and forebore resentment of the interruption.{1} + + 1 If in walking the streets of London, the passenger kept + the right hand side, it would prevent the frequent + recurrence of much jostling and confusion. The laws of the + road are observed on the carriage-way in the metropolis most + minutely, else the street would be in a continual blockade. + But + + The laws of the road are a paradox quite, + That puzzles the marvelling throng; + For if on the left, you are yet on the right, + And if you are right, you are wrong! + +The Baronet's two associates very much approved of his spirited +interference, and Dashall observed, that these insignificant beings, +whom Sir Felix had so properly reproved, were to be seen, thus +incommoding the public, in all parts of the metropolis; but more +particularly westward; that in crowded streets, however, for instance, +in the direct line from Charing Cross to the Royal Exchange, the +apparent Exquisites are generally thieves and pickpockets, who find +a harvest in this extensive scene of business, by artful depredation, +either upon the unwary tradesman, or equally unsuspecting passenger, +whose wiper or tattler, and sometimes both, becomes the frequent produce +of their active ingenuity. + +The morning had been wet, and although the flag-way was dry, yet the +carriage-road was dirty. There are, in all parts of the metropolis, +indigent objects of both sexes, who by sweeping the cross-way, pick up +an eleemosynary livelihood. It not unfrequently happens, however, that +a chariot, or other vehicle, is drawn up at one end of the cross-way +directly athwart it, so as completely to intercept your way to the +pavement. Exactly so situated were our pedestrians. They had availed +themselves of a newly swept path, and were advancing towards the +opposite side, ~~326~~~in Piccadilly, when, before they could effect +their purpose, a carriage drew up, and effectually impeded further +progress by the cross-way, so that there seemed no alternative between +standing fast and gaining the pavement by walking through the mud. The +coachman retained his position despite of remonstrance, and in this +laudable stubbornness he was encouraged by a well-attired female inside +the vehicle, for the carriage was a private one, and its ill-mannered +inmate probably a lady of rank and fashion. Sir Felix, justly indignant +at this treatment, set danger and inconvenience at defiance, and +deliberately walking to the horses' heads, led the animals forward until +the carriage had cleared the cross-way, maugre the threats of the lady, +and the whip of the coachman, who had the audacity to attempt exercising +it on the person of the Baronet, when Tallyho, dreading the consequences +to the rash assailant, sprang upon the box, and arresting his hand, +saved the honour of Munster! The transaction did not occupy above two +minutes, yet a number of people had collected, and vehemently applauded +Sir Felix; and the lady's companion now hastily re-entering the chariot +from an adjacent shop, Mr. Jehu drove off rapidly, amidst the hoots and +hisses of the multitude.{1} + + 1 Sir Felix had not heard of the following incident, else he + certainly would have followed its example:-- + + Two ladies of distinction stopped in a carriage at a + jeweller's near Charing-cross; one of them only got out, and + the coach stood across the path-way which some gentlemen + wanted to cross to the other side, and desired the coachman + to move on a little; the fellow was surly, and refused; the + gentlemen remonstrated, but in vain. During the altercation, + the lady came to the shop door, and foolishly ordered the + coachman not to stir from his place. On this, one of the + gentlemen opened the coach-door, and with boots and spurs + stepped through the carriage. He was followed by his + companions, to the extreme discomposure of the lady within, + as well as the lady without. To complete the jest, a party + of sailors coming up, observed, that, “If this was a + thoroughfare, they had as much right to it as the gemmen;” + and accordingly scrambled through the carriage. + +The poor street-sweeper having applied to Sir Felix for a mite +of benevolence,--“And is it for letting the carriage block up the +cross-way, and forcing me through the mud,” asked the Baronet;--” but +whether or not, I have not got any halfpence about me, so that I must +pay you when I come again.”--“Ah! your honour,” exclaimed the man, “it +is unknown the credit I give in this way.” Sir Felix thrust his hand +into his pocket, and rewarded the applicant with a tester. + +~~327~~~ Proceeding along Piccadilly, our party were followed by +a Newfoundland dog, which circumstance attracted the notice of the +Baronet, to whom more than to either of his associates the animal seemed +to attach itself. Pleased with its attention, Sir Felix caressed it, and +when the triumvirate entered a neighbouring coffee-house, the dog was +permitted to accompany them. Scarcely had the three friends seated +themselves, when a man of decent appearance came into the room, and, +without ceremony, accused the Baronet of having, by surreptitious means, +obtained possession of his property; in other words, of having inveigled +away his dog; and demanding instant restitution. + +Sir Felix fired at the accusation, divested as it was of the shadow of +truth, yet unsuspicious of design, would have instantly relinquished his +canine acquaintance, but for the interposition of Dashall, who suspected +this intrusive personage to be neither more nor less than a dog-stealer, +of whom there are many in London continually on the alert for booty. +These fellows pick up all stray dogs, carry them home, and detain them +until such time as they are advertised, and a commensurate reward is +offered by the respective owners. If, then, the dog is intrinsically +of no value, and consequently unsaleable, the adept in this species of +depredation, finding he can do no better, takes the dog home, +receives the promised reward, and generally an additional gratuity in +compensation of keep and trouble; but, should it so happen, that the +proffered remuneration is not equivalent to the worth of the animal, the +conscientious professor of knavery carries his goods to a more lucrative +market. At the instance of Dashall, therefore, Sir Felix was determined +to retain the animal until the claimant brought irrefragable proof +of ownership. The fellow blustered,--the Baronet was immovable in his +resolution;--when the other threw off all disguise, and exhibiting +himself in pristine blackguardism, inundated Sir Felix with a torrent +of abuse; who disdaining any minor notice of his scurrility, seized the +fellow, with one hand by the cape of his coat, with the other by the +waistband of his breeches, and bearing him to the door, as he would any +other noxious animal, fairly pitched him head foremost into the street, +to the manifest surprise and dismay of the passengers, to whom he told a +“pitiable tale,” when one of the crowd pronounced him to be a notorious +dog-stealer, and the fellow, immediately on this recognition, made a +precipitate retreat. ~~328~~~ “I am glad,” said Dashall to his friends, +who had witnessed the result of this affair from one of the windows of +the coffee-room, “that our canine acquaintance (patting the animal +at the same time) is now clearly exonerated from any participation of +knavery. I had my suspicions that he was a well-disciplined associate +in iniquity, taught to follow any person whom his pretended owner might +point at, as a fit object of prey.” + +The Baronet and the Squire, particularly the latter, had heard much of +the “Frauds of London,” but neither of them was aware that metropolitan +roguery was carried on and accelerated through the medium of canine +agency. + +In confirmation of this fact, however, Dashall mentioned two +circumstances, both of which had occurred within these few years back, +the one of a man who, in different parts of the suburbs, used to secrete +himself behind a hedge, and when a lady came in view, his dog would go +forth to rob her; the reticule was the object of plunder, which the dog +seldom failed to get possession of, when he would instantly carry the +spoil to his master. The other case was that of a person who had trained +his dog to depredations in Whitechapel-market. This sly thief would +reconnoitre the butcher's stalls, particularly on a Saturday night +amidst the hurry of business, and carry off whatever piece of meat was +most conveniently tangible, and take it home with all possible caution +and celerity. We have heard of their answering questions, playing +cards, and casting accompts,--in fact, their instinctive sagacity has +frequently the appearance of reasoning faculties; they even now are +competent to extraordinary performances, and what further wonders the +ingenuity of man may teach them to accomplish, remains hereafter to be +ascertained.{1} + + 1 The following anecdote is particularly illustrative of + canine sagacity. It shews that the dog is sensible of + unmerited injury, and will revenge it accordingly; it + exhibits the dog also, as a reflective animal, and proves + that, though he has not the gift of speech, he is yet + endowed with the power of making himself understood by his + own species. Some years ago, the traveller of a mercantile + house in London, journeying into Cornwall, was followed by + his favourite dog, to Exeter; where the traveller left him, + in charge of the landlord of the Inn, until his return. The + animal was placed in an inner yard, which, for sometime + back, had been in the sole occupation of the house-dog; and + the latter, considering the new comer an intruder, did not + fail to give the poor stranger many biting taunts + accordingly. Deserted, scorned, insulted and ill-treated, + the poor animal availed himself of the first opportunity, + and escaped. The landlord scoured the country in quest of + the fugitive, without effect. After the lapse of a few days, + the traveller's dog returned to the Inn, accompanied by two + others, and the triumvirate entering the yard, proceeded to + execute summary vengeance on the house-dog, and drove him + howling from his territories. The two dogs were from + London,-- + + “Their locket letter'd braw-brass collars, + Shew'd they were gentlemen and scholars.” + + Hence it appears, that the traveller's dog went to London, + told his grievance to his two friends, and brought them to + Exeter to avenge his cause! + +~~329~~~ Emerging from the coffee-house, companied by their newly +acquired canine friend, our observers proceeded along Piccadilly, when +reaching its extremity, and turning into the Park by Constitution-hill, +they were met by the servant, Thady. + +“Your honour,” said the valet, “haven't I been after soaking you, here +and there, and every where, and no where at all, at all, vrid this +letter, bad luck to it, becays of the trouble it may give you; and +indeed I was sent after your honour by Miss Macgilligan;--there's ill +luck at home, your honour.” + +“Then I shall not make any haste,” said Sir Felix, “to meet such a +guest.” + +He then read aloud the ominous epistle:-- + +“My dear Nephew.--A vexatious affair has occurred.--I shall be glad to +see you, as soon as possible.--J. M.” + +“Perhaps you can oblige us with the history,” said the Baronet, “of this +same 'vexatious affair;' but observe me, let it be an abridgement,--Miss +Macgilligan will favour us with it in detail.” + +“Why then, your honour,” said the valet, “you had not gone out many +minutes, when there came a _rit-tat_ to the door, and a gintail +good-looking gentleman inquired for Mr. A----a. Begging your pardon, +says I, if it is my master vou mane, he does not belong to the family +of the Misters at all; his name is Sir Felix O'Grady, of the province of +Munster, Baronet, and I am his valet; long life and good luck to both of +us!” + +~~330~~~ “This is rather a tedious commencement,” observed Sir Felix to +his marvelling associates,--“but I believe we must let the fellow tell +the story in his own way.--Well, Tliady, what next?” + +“So, your Honour, he inquired whether he could spaak wid you, and I told +him that it was rather doubtful, becays you were not at home; but, says +I, Miss Judy Macgilligan, his Honour's reverend aunt, is now in +her dressing-room, and no doubt will be proud in the honour of your +acquaintance.” + +“My 'reverend aunt' certainly ought to feel herself very much obliged to +you.--Well, Sir!” + +“And so, your Honour, the maid went for instructions, and Miss +Macgilligan desired that the gentleman should be shewn into the +drawing-room, until she could make her appearance. Well, then, after +waiting some little time, he rings the bell, with the assurance of a +man of quality, just as if he had been at home. So up stairs I goes, and +meets him in the hall. 'Pray,' says he, 'have the goodness to present my +best respects to the lady; I will not obtrude upon her at present, but +shall call again tomorrow,' and away he walked; and that's all, your +Honour.” “That's all! What am I to understand then by the 'vexatious +affair' my aunt speaks of?” + +“O,” exclaimed Thady, recollecting himself,--“may be she manes her gold +watch, which the gentleman discovered in the drawing-room, and carried +away in his pocket, by mistake!” + +“Very well, Sir,” said the Baronet; “now that we have «orne to the +finis, you may go home.” + +It is evident the gentleman had availed himself of the Baronet's absence +from home, and that the information derived from the communicative valet +encouraged the hope of success which he so adroitly realized. + +Dashall and his Cousin were about sympathizing with the Baronet on this +new misfortune, when he gave vent to bis feelings by an immoderate fit +of laughter!--“Miss Macgilligan has had the benefit of a practical +lesson,” he exclaimed, “which she cannot fail to remember;--her vanity +would not permit her seeing the stranger until the frivolities of +the toilet were adjusted, and thus he made the most of a golden +opportunity.” + +~~331~~~ The three friends now retraced their steps along Piccadilly, +until they arrived at the residence of Dashall, when they separated; the +Baronet to condole with Miss Macgilligan, and the two Cousins to dress, +preparatory to their dining with an eminent merchant in the city. + +Leaving then, for the present, Sir Felix and his aunt to their own +family cogitations, we shall accompany the Hon. Tom Dashall and the +Squire of Belville-hall on their civic expedition. + +The wealthy citizen at whose table they were now entertained, rose, like +many others, the children of industry, from comparative indigence to +affluence, and from obscurity to eminence. + +The party was select; the dinner was sumptuous, yet unostentatious; and +the conversation, if not exactly in the first class of refinement, was +to the two strangers interestingly instructive, as embracing topics of +mercantile pursuit with which they had hitherto been unacquainted. It +was also highly enlivened by the sprightly sallies of three beautiful +and elegantly accomplished young ladies, the daughters of the amiable +host and hostess; and to these fair magnets of attraction, whom Dashall +happily denominated the Graces, our gallant cavaliers were particularly +assiduous in their attentions. The party broke up, after an evening of +reciprocal enjoyment; and Dashall on the way home expressed his belief +that, with the solitary exception of one colossal instance of ignorance +and brutality, “the very respectable man” in society is most generally +to be found among the merchants of London.{1} + + 1 “The very respectable. Man” is the true representative of + the commercial character of Great Britain. He possesses more + information than the Dutch trader, and more refinement than + the Scotch manufacturer, with all the business + qualifications of either. He is shrewd, industrious, manly, + and independent; and as he is too much in earnest for the + slightest affectation, he shews his character in his dress, + his carriage, and his general appearance. His dress is at + once plain and neat; and if his coat should accidentally + exhibit the cut of a more genteel manufacturer, the + interstice between his boot (he wears top boots) and small + clothes, the fashion of his cravat, which is rolled round a + stiffner two inches in diameter, and tied in a bow, besides + a variety of other more minute characteristics, decidedly + refute all suspicion of an attempt at attaining the + appearance of a man of fashion. The end of a Spitalfields + silk-handkerchief just appearing from the pocket hole at the + top of his skirt, shews at once his regard for good things + and native manufactures; while the dignity of his tread + declares his consciousness of his own importance, the + importance of “a very respectable man,” and to attribute it + to any other than such an “honest pride,” would be + derogatory to his reputation and feelings. If he meets a + business acquaintance of an higher rank than his own, his + respectful yet unembarrassed salutation at once sufficiently + expresses the disparity of their two conditions, and his + consciousness of the respectability of his own, while the + respectfully condescending notice of the Peer exhibits the + reversed flow of the same feelings. The very respect-able + man is always accurately acquainted with the hackney coach + fares to the different parts of London, and any attempt at + imposition on the part of the coachman is sure to be + detected and punished. He is never to be caught walking to + the Bank on a public holiday; and the wind must have shifted + very fast indeed, if it should happen to be in the north, + when he believes it to be in the south. The state of the + stocks is familiar to him; and as he watches their + fluctuations with an attentive eye, their history, for weeks + or even for months, is often in his memory. The very + respectable man is always employed, but never in a hurry; + and he perhaps is never better pleased than when he meets a + congenial friend, who interrupts the current of business by + the introduction of a mutual discussion of some important + failure: Mr. Such-a-one's rapid acquirement of fortune,--the + rise or fall of the funds, &c,--of all which the causes or + consequences are importantly whispered or significantly + prophesied. At home the government of the very respectable + man's family is arbitrary, but the governor is not a tyrant; + his wife has not, like the woman of fashion, any distinct + rights, but she enjoys extensive indulgencies; she has + power, but it flows from him, and though she is a + responsible, she is not a discretional, agent. The table is + to correspond with the moderation of the master, and the + matron will be scolded or reproved as it varies from the + proper medium between meanness and profusion. + + The very respectable man is never less in his element than + when he is in the centre of his wife's parties, for here he + must resign the reins into her hands, and, alas! there is no + such character as the very respectable woman. All our women + would be women of fashion; and in dress and expense, in the + numbers of their card tables, and the splendour of their + parties, in every thing but manners, they are. Here, at his + own fireside, the very respectable man may be considered as + not at home till a rubber, a genial rubber, which is + provided him as soon as possible, renders him blind to the + folly and deaf to the clamour of the scene. The very + respect-able man shews to least advantage as a politician; + as his opinions are derived less from reading than + experience, they are apt to be dogmatical and contracted. In + political philosophy he is too frequently half a century + behind his age; is still in the habit of considering specie + as wealth, and talks loudly of the commercial benefits of + the late war. Such is the “very respectable man,” a + character decidedly inferior to that of many individuals in + the class of society immediately above him; but which, + considered as the character of a class, appears to be + superior at once to that above and that below it--on a + comparison with that above too, it more than makes up in the + mass of its virtues for the deficiency in their quality, and + appears to be like Solon's laws, if not the very best that + might be, at least the best of which the state of society + admits. In the lower orders, the social character is in its + mineral state; in the higher, the fineness of the gold is + prejudicial to its durability. In the “very respectable man + “it is found mixed with some portion of alloy, but in + greater quantity, and adapted to all the uses and purposes + for which it is designed. As a civil member of society, if + his theoretical politics are defective, the advantages + derived to society from his industry and integrity, more + than counterbalance those defects in his theory. As a + religious member of society, if his religion might be more + refined, if his attendance at church is considered rather as + a parochial than a spiritual duty, and his appearance in his + own pew is at least as much regarded as his devotions there; + the regularity of his attendance, the harmony of his + principles and practice, his exemplary manner of filling his + different relations, more than make up for the inferiority + in the tone of his religion. The commercial and religious + capital of society are, in short, continually advancing by + his exertions, though they don't advance so fast as they + otherwise would if those exertions were directed by more + intellect. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + “Vainly bountiful nature shall fill up Life's measure, + If we're not to enjoyment awake; + Churls that cautiously filtrate and analyze pleasure, + Deserve not the little they take. + + I hate all those pleasures where angling and squaring. + And fitting and cutting by rules, + And ----- me--dear me, I beg pardon for swearing, + All that follow such fashions are fools. + + For let who may be undone, + I say Life in London, + Of pleasure's the prop and the staff, + That sets ev'ry muscle + In a comical bustle + And tickles one into a laugh.” + +~~334~~~ +The long protracted visit to Vauxhall being at length finally arranged, +our party soon found themselves in the midst of this gay and fascinating +scene of amusement. + +“These charming gardens,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “which you may +perhaps have some recollection of upon a masquerade occasion, having +lately fallen into new hands, have assumed, under their direction and +management, a new appearance of additional splendour and magnificence +perhaps scarcely ever surpassed, and the present proprietors appear to +have studied the comfort and gratification of their visitors as well as +their own advantage; but of this we shall be better judges before the +night is spent.” + +“Right,” replied Sparkle, “I am not fond of far fetched descriptions, +which may upon investigation prove to have originated more in the +imagination of the author than in reality to exist.” + +“At all events,” continued Tom, “the Gardens themselves are beautiful +and extensive, and contain a variety of walks, which, if but tastefully +illuminated, and attended by rank, fashion, and beauty, can never fail +to be attractive.” + +~~335~~~ Our heroes rushed forward to the splendid scene of enchantment, +which had drawn forth the previous observations, mingling with the +crowds of well dressed persons, who like themselves were upon the alert +to witness this delightful place of summer amusement in the new form +which it has recently assumed: the virandas tastefully festooned with +painted canvass--the brilliantly illuminated orchestra, and the animated +countenances of the company, conspired to produce an effect almost +inconceivable, while new objects of delight were continually bursting +upon their view. The illuminated colonade newly decorated with carved +and painted flowers, fruit, and foliage, and Mr. Singleton's original +whole length transparent portrait of his Majesty in his coronation +robes, alternately attracted attention, as well as the four cosmoramas +constructed in various parts of the gardens, consisting of some very +pretty views of the New Exchange at Paris, scenes in Switzerland, &c. In +the musical department, Sparkle was much pleased to find some of the old +favourites, particularly Mr. Charles Taylor and Mrs. Bland, as well as +with the performance of a Miss Graddon, who possesses a rich voice, +with considerable power and flexibility, and of Madame Georgina, an +East Indian Lady, who afterwards sung very charmingly in the Rotunda, +accompanying herself on the piano forte, in a style which proved her to +be a most skilful performer. + +But the grand subject of their admiration was what is rather affectedly +called “The Heptaplasiesoptron,” or fancy reflective proscenium, which +is placed in the long room fronting the orchestra of the Rotunda. +It is entirely lined with looking glass, and has in all probability +originated in the curious effect produced by the kaleidoscope, and the +looking glass curtains lately exhibited at our theatres. This splendid +exhibition is fitted up with ornamented draperies, and presents a +fountain of real water illuminated, revolving pillars, palm trees, +serpents, foliage, and variegated lamps; and the mirrors are so placed +as to reflect each object seven times. This novelty appeared to excite +universal admiration, inspiring the company with ideas of refreshing +coolness. The bubbling of water, the waving of the foliage, and the +seven times reflected effulgence of the lamps, gave the whole an +appearance of enchantment, which sets all description at defiance. + +~~336~~~ Having taken a complete circle through this round of delights, +interrupted only by the congratulations and inquiries of friends, the +appointed hour for exhibiting the fire-works arrived, when they were +additionally gratified by a display of the most splendid description, +and the famous ascent _a la Saqui_ was admirably executed by Longuemarc; +after witnessing which, they quickly retired to a box, where they gave +directions for supper. It is but justice to say, that upon this being +furnished, they found the refreshments to be of the best quality, and +supplied upon moderate terms; the wines by the London Wine Company, and +the viands by Mr. Wayte. + +About two o'clock in the morning, our friends took their departure +from this romantic spot, after an excursion fraught with pleasure and +delight. + +On the following morning, Sparkle received a letter from Merrywell, +with information of the death of his uncle, and of his succession to +the estate, having arrived just in time to prevent his decease without a +will. This was a subject of exultation to all the party, though to none +more so than Sparkle, particularly as the estate alluded to was situated +in the neighbourhood of his own residence. + +“Merrywell,” said Dashall, “will become a gay fellow now, as he will +have ample means, as well as inclination (which I know he has never been +wanting of) to sport his figure in good style, without resorting to any +scheme to keep the game alive.” + +“True,” said Sparkle, “without crossing and jostling, and if he has +his own good in view, he will reside chiefly in the country, choose +an amiable partner for life, and only pay a visit to the metropolis +occasionally; for to live in this land of temptations, where you can +hardly step across the way without getting into error, must be baneful +in effect to a young man like him, of an ardent mind. What say you, +friend Tallyho?” + +“I confess,” replied Bob, “that I entertain thoughts very similar +to yours; besides, I apprehend that our old friend Merrywell has had +sufficient experience himself to admit the justice of your observation.” + +~~337~~~ “Pshaw,” rejoined Dashall, “you are getting completely +unfashionable. What can be more bang up than a Life in London--high life +and low life--shake the castor, tip the flash, and nibble the blunt. +Look for instance at young Lord Lappit--cares for nothing--all blood and +spirit--fire and tow--up to every thing, and down as a hammer.” + +“His is a general case,” replied Sparkle, “and is only one among +numerous others, to prove that many of the disorders which are daily +visible in high life, may be traced to the education, or rather the want +of education of the youthful nobility and gentry. It would be a shocking +and insupportable degradation to send a sprig of fashion to school among +common boys, where probably he might learn something really useful. No, +no,--he must have a private tutor, who is previously instructed to teach +him nothing more than what will enable him to pass muster, as not quite +a fool. Under this guidance, he skims over a few authors almost without +reading, and at all events without knowing what they have written, +merely with a view to acquaint him that there were once such persons in +existence; after which, this tutor accompanies him to one of the public +schools, Westminster, Harrow, or Eton, where the tutor writes his +thesis, translates the classics, and makes verses for him, as well as +he is able. In the new situation, the scholar picks up more of the +frailties of the living, than he does of the instructions of departed +characters. The family connections and the power of purse, with which +the students are aided, embolden them to assume an unbounded license, +and to set at complete defiance all sober rules and regulations; and it +may be justly remarked that our public seminaries are admirably situated +for the indulgence of their propensities: for instance, Westminster +School is fortunately situated in the immediate neighbourhood of a +famous place of instruction called Tothill (vulgarly Tuttle) Fields, +where every species of refined lewdness and debauchery, and manners the +most depraved, are constantly exhibited; consequently they enjoy the +great advantages of learning the slang language, and of hearing prime +chaunts, rum glees, and kiddy catches, in the purest and most bang up +style. He has likewise a fine opportunity of contracting an unalterable +penchant for the frail sisterhood, blue ruin, milling, cock fighting, +bull and badger baiting, donkey racing, drinking, swearing, swaggering, +and other refined amusements, so necessary to form the character of an +accomplished gentleman.” + +~~338~~~ “Again, Harrow School is happily so near to the metropolis, as +to afford frequent opportunities for occasional visits to similar scenes +of contagion and fashionable dissipation, that the scholars do not fail +to seek advantages of taking lessons in all those delectable sciences. + +“Eton, it is true, is somewhat farther removed from the nursery of +improvement, but it is near enough to Windsor, of which place it is not +necessary to say much, for their Bacchanalian and Cyprian orgies, and +other fashionable festivities, are well known. So that notwithstanding +they are not in the immediate vicinity of the metropolis, there can +scarcely be a doubt of their being able to sport their figures to +advantage, whenever they are let loose upon society. + +“Cambridge is but a short distance from that place of sporting +notoriety, Newmarket, consequently it is next to impossible but that a +youth of an aspiring mind should be up to all the manouvres of a race +course--understanding betting, hedging off, crossing and jostling, +sweating and training--know all the jockeys--how to give or take the +odds--lay it on thick, and come it strong. Some have an unconquerable +ambition to distinguish themselves as a whip, sport their tits in tip +top style, and become proficients in buckish and sporting slang--to +pitch it rum, and astonish the natives--up to the gab of the cad. They +take upon themselves the dress and manners of the Varment Club, yet +noted for the appearance of their prads, and the dexterity with which +they can manage the ribbons, and, like Goldfinch, pride themselves on +driving the long coaches--'mount the box, tip coachee a crown, dash +along at full speed, rattle down the gateway, take care of your +heads--never kill'd but one woman and a child in all my life--that's +your sort.'” + +“Fine pictures of a University Education,” said Tom, “but Sparkle always +was a good delineator of real character; and there is one thing to be +said, he has been an eye witness of the facts, nay a partaker of the +sports.” + +“True,” continued Sparkle, “and, like many others, have had something +like enjoyment in them too.” + +“Aye, aye, no doubt of that,” said Bob, dryly,--“but how does it happen +that you have omitted Oxford altogether?” + +~~339~~~ “Nay,” said Sparkle, “there is not much difference in any of +them. The students hate all learning but that which they acquire in the +brothel, the ring, or the stable. + +They spend their terms somehow or other in or near the University, and +their vacations at Jackson's Rooms in London; so that they know nothing +more of mathematics than sufficient to calculate odds and chances. This, +however, depends upon the wealth of the parties; for notwithstanding +there are some excellent statutes by which they ought to be guided, +a nobleman or wealthy commoner is indulged according to his titles or +riches, without any regard to the rules and regulations in such cases +made and provided. + +“From this situation they are at length let loose, thoroughly +accomplished in every thing but what they ought to know. Some make their +appearance as exquisites or dandies--a sort of indescribable being, if +being such things may be called. Others take the example of the bang +ups--make themselves perfect in milling, swearing, greeking, talking +flash, and mail coach driving, until John Doe and Richard Roe drive them +into Abbot's preserve, a circumstance which puts a temporary check upon +the sports--though if the Collegian is but up to the logic, he is very +soon down upon the coves his creditors,{1} bowls them out by harassing +expenses, and walks out himself, up to snuff, and fly.” + + 1 Bowls them out by harassing expenses.--A proof of the + power which has been exercised under the existing Insolvent + Debtor's Act, will be found in the following extract from a + daily paper:-- + + An unfortunate debtor was opposed in the Insolvent Debtors' + Court, for having resisted particular creditors with + vexatious law proceedings, sham pleas, &c. The public is not + generally aware of the extent to which such vexatious + resistance can be carried. In the investigations that have + taken place before a Committee of the House of Commons, on + the subject of insolvent debtors, Mr. Thomas Clarke, (at the + time clerk of the Court,) stated, that in a debtor's book he + found a paper, 'wherein it was pointed out to debtors how to + harass creditors.' He had heard, he said, that it was sold + from one prisoner to another, in a printed form, for 6d. + each. That witness then delivered to the committee a book, + from which the following extract was read,--it is extracted + from the Parliamentary Report:-- + + 'Law proceedings.--When arrested and held to bail, and after + being served with a declaration, you may plead a general + issue, which brings you to trial the sooner of any plea that + you can put in; but if you want to vex your plaintiff, put + in a special plea; and, if in custody, get your attorney to + plead in your name, which will cost you 1L. 1s., your + plaintiff, 31L. as expenses. If you do not mean to try the + cause, you have no occasion to do so until your plaintiff + gets judgment against you; he must, in the term after you + put in a special plea, send what is termed the paper book, + which you must return with 7s. 6d. otherwise you will not + put him to half the expenses. When he proceeds, and has + received a final judgment against you, get your attorney to + search the office appointed for that purpose in the Temple, + and when he finds that judgment is actually signed, he must + give notice to the plaintiff's attorney to attend the master + to tax his costs, at which time your attorney must have a + writ of error ready, and give it to the plaintiffs attorney + before the master, which puts him to a very great expense, + as he will have the same charges to go over again. The writ + of error will cost you 4L. 4s. If you want to be further + troublesome to your plaintiffs, make your writ of error + returnable in Parliament, which costs you 8L. 8s. and your + plaintiff 100/. Should he have the courage to follow you + through all your proceedings, then file a bill in the + Exchequer, which will cost about 5L. or 6L.; and if he + answers it, it will cost him 80L. more. After this you may + file a bill in Chancery, which will cost about 10L.; and if + he does not answer this bill, you will get an injunction, + and at the same time an attachment from the court against + him, and may take his body for contempt of court, in not + answering your last bill. You may file your bill in the + Court of Chancery, instead of the Exchequer, only the latter + costs you the least. If you are at any time served with a + copy of a writ, take no further notice of it than by keeping + it; when you are declared against, do not fail to put in a + special plea immediately, and most likely you will hear no + more of the business, as your plaintiff will probably not + like to incur any further expense, after having been at so + much.' + + Thus a creditor may be put to an expense of three hundred + and fourteen pounds, by a debtor, for the small cost of 30L. + 10s. and all because the laws allowed him to sue for his + own; and if he and his attorney do not keep a sharp look + out, the creditor may get committed for 'contempt of court.' + +~~341~~~ “I perceive,” said Tom, “that your imagination is flying +away from your subject; though I admit the justice of your remarks, as +generally applicable to what is termed the higher ranks of society, +and that they are imitated or aped in succession to those of the lower +orders; but we appear to have imperceptibly got into a long descriptive +conversation, instead of pursuing our usual plan of drawing inferences +from actual observation. Let us forth and walk awhile.” + +“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, “I see you wish to change the +subject: however, I doubt not there will be a time when you will think +more seriously, and act more usefully.” + + “Upon my life you are growing sentimental.” + “Never mind,” said Bob, “keep your spirits up.” + + “The world's a good thing, oh how sweet and delicious + The bliss and delight it contains; + Devil a pleasure but fortune crams into our dishes, + Except a few torments and pains. + + Then wine's a good thing, the dear drink's so inviting, + Where each toper each care sweetly drowns; + Where our friends we so cherish, so love and delight in, + Except when we're cracking their crowns.” + +By the time Bob had concluded his verse, they were on the move, and +taking their direction through St. James's-street, turning the corner of +which,--“there,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “that is the celebrated Lord +Shampetre, of whose name and character you have before heard.” + +“Indeed,” said Bob. “Well, I must say, that if I met him in the street, +I should have supposed him to be an old clothesman.” + +“Hush,” said Sparkle, “don't be too severe in your observations, for I +have been given to understand his Lordship has expressed his indignation +upon a former occasion at such a comparison; though I must acknowledge +it is not altogether an unjust one; and if exalted, I beg pardon, I mean +popular characters, will force themselves into public notice by their +follies, their vices or their eccentricities, they can have no right to +complain.” + +~~342~~~ “And pray,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “where is one to be +found who has made himself more conspicuous than the one in question, +and especially by a very recent occurrence. The fashionable world +is full of the subject of his amatory epistles to the sister of a +celebrated actress,{1} and her very 'commodious mother;' but I dare say + + 1 To elucidate the subject here alluded to, we cannot do + better than give insertion to the following police report:-- + + PERFIDY AND PROFLIGACY OF A PEER! + + Bow Street.--An application was lately made for a warrant to + apprehend Miss B., the sister of a celebrated actress, for + stealing some chimney ornaments and China cups and saucers. + The application was made by the mother of the accused, in + consequence of her having eloped, and with a view to reclaim + her before her ruin should be consummated. The warrant was + granted, and in a short time the fair delinquent was led in, + resting on the arm of a Mr. B., well known in the + fashionable circles. Mr. C. a solicitor, appeared with the + mother, and the property found by the officer; the mother + identified it, and stated, that she should be happy to + forego the charge, on her daughter consenting to return to + her home. The magistrate then called on the accused for her + defence, when she asserted that the articles were her own, + purchased with money given to her by her friends. In + corroboration, she called the servant, who spoke to a + conversation, in which Mrs. B. blamed her daughter for + spending her money so foolishly; and declared that the + things were always considered to belong to the daughter, and + were given up without the slightest objection when she + applied for them in the name of Miss B. This statement + produced a desultory conversation, which was terminated by + the solicitor remarking, that the principal object, the + return of Miss B., had been lost sight of. Mr. B. then said, + he had paid for the education and every charge of Miss B. + for the last two years. He challenged inquiry into his + conduct, which would be found to have arisen from the most + honourable feelings, when he should prove that Miss B. had + sought his protection from the persecution of Lord P., who + had been sanctioned in his dishonourable overtures by her + mother. When personal insult had been used, she fled to him; + he hired lodgings and a trusty servant for her. A number of + Lord P.'s letters were then read, which abounded in vicious + ideas, obscenities, and gross figures sketched with the pen. + Miss B., then in tears, stated, that she had been shut up + with Lord P. with her mother's knowledge, when indecent + attacks were made by him upon her on a sofa; and that her + mother urged her to become his mistress, saying she should + have an allowance of 500L. a-year. The mother strongly + denied these assertions, and, after the magistrate had + animadverted on the alleged disgraceful conduct of the + mother, if true, the affair was settled by Miss B. (only + 16,) being put under the care of a female friend, agreeable + to both parties, Mr. B. to pay all the expenses. + + Having thus given an account of the affair, as related in + most of the daily papers, we think it right to add the + following by way of elucidation. + + The young lady is Miss B--rt--l--zzi, daughter of a late + cele-brated engraver of that name, and younger sister of an + actress on the boards of Old Drury, who has obtained great + notoriety for a pretty face, a roving eye, a fine set of + teeth, a mellow voice, and an excessive penchant for + appearing before the public in breeches--Macheath and Don + Giovanni to wit. 'Mr. B.,' the gentleman under whose + protection she is living, or rather was living, is a + gentleman of large West India possessions, who some time ago + immortalized himself in a duel about a worthless woman, with + Lord C--If--d, in which duel he had the honour of sending + his lordship to his account with all his 'imperfections on + his head.' The third party, 'Lord P.,' is a nobleman, whose + chief points are a queer-shaped hat, long shirt sleeves, + exquisitely starched, very white gloves, a very low + cabriolet, and a Lord George Gordon-ish affectation of + beard. We do not know that he is distinguished for any thing + else. For the fourth party--the young lady's mamma, she is,-- + what she is; a rather elderly personage, remarkably + commodious, very discreet, 'and all that sort of thing.' + We could not help admiring her commodiousness when she + accompanied Lord P. and her daughter to Drury-lane Theatre, + the last time the King was there. It was almost equal to his + Lordship's assiduity, and the young lady's _ennui_. + +~~343~~~ his Lordship is displeased with no part of the eclat, except the +quiz that his liberal offer of £500. would be about £25. per annum, or +9s. 7d. a week--a cheap purchase of a young lady's honour, and therefore +a good bargain.” + +“I believe,” continued Sparkle, “there is little about him, either as to +person or to character, which entitles him to occupy more of our time, +which may be better devoted to more agreeable and deserving subjects.” + +“Apropos,” said Dashall, taking Sparkle at his word, “do you observe a +person on the other side of the way with a blue nose and a green coat, +cut in the true jockey style, so as to render it difficult to +ascertain whether he is a gentleman or a gentleman's groom? That is Mr. +Spankalong, who has a most unconquerable attachment to grooms, coachmen, +and stable assistants; whose language and manners it is one of the +principal studies of his life to imitate. He prides himself on being a +good driver of four in hand, and tickling the tits along the road in a +mail carriage, is the _ne plus ultra_ of his ambition. He will take a +journey of an hundred miles out of town, merely to meet and drive up +a mail coach, paying for his own passage, and feeing the coachmen for +their permission. Disguised in a huge white coat, with innumerable capes +and mother o'pearl buttons, he seats himself on the box--Elbows square, +wrists pliant--all right--Hayait--away they go. He takes his glass of +gin and bitters on the ~~344~~~ road--opens the door for the passengers +to get in--with 'now my masters--you please;' and seems quite as much +at home as Mr. Matthews at the Lyceum, with 'all that sort of thing, and +every thing in the world.' He is, however, not singular in his taste, +for many of our hereditary statesmen are to be found among this class, +save and except that he carries his imitations to a farther extent than +any person I ever knew; and it is a fact, that he had one of his fore +teeth punched out, in order to enable the noble aspirant to give the +true coachman's whistle, and to spit in a Jehu-like manner, so as to +project the saliva from his lips, clear of the cattle and traces, into +the hedge on the near side of the road.” + +“Accomplishments that are truly deserving the best considerations of a +noble mind,” rejoined Tallyho. + +“And absolutely necessary to the finished gentleman of the present day, +of course,” continued Sparkle; “and as I have not had a lounge in these +Corinthian regions for some little time, I am glad to be thus furnished +with a key to characters that may be new to me.” + +“There is one on the opposite side of the way not altogether new, as he +has made some noise in the world during his time--I mean the gentleman +whose features exhibit so much of the rouge--it is the celebrated Sir +George Skippington, formerly well known in Fop's Alley, and at the +Opera; not so much on account of his elegant person, lively wit, +or polished address, as for his gallantries, and an extraordinary +affectation of dress, approaching very nearly to the ridiculous, the +chief part of his reputation being derived from wearing a pea-green +coat, and pink silk stockings: he has, however, since that time become +a dramatic writer, or at least a manufacturer of pantomime and shew; +and--ah, but see--speaking of writers--here we have a Hook, from which +is suspended a certain scandalous Journal, well known for its dastardly +attacks upon private character, and whose nominal conductors are at this +moment in durance vile; but a certain affair in the fashionable way of +defaulting, has brought him down a peg or two. His ingenuity has been +displayed on a variety of occasions, and under varying circumstances. +His theatrical attempts have been successful, and at Harrow he was +called the Green Man, in consequence of his affected singularity of +wearing a complete suit of clothes of that colour. He appears to act +at all times upon the favourite recommendation of Young Rapid, 'keep +moving;' for he is always in motion, in consequence of which it is said, +that Lord Byron wittily remarked, 'he certainly was not the Green Man +and Still.'”{1} + + 1 The Green Man and Still in the well known sign of a + pubic-house in Oxford Road. + +~~345~~~ “Why,” cried Bob, “there seems to be as little of still life +about him just now, as there is about Hookey Walker. But pray who is +that dingy gentleman who passed us within the last minute, and who +appeared to be an object of attraction to some persons on the opposite +side--he appears to have been cut out for a tailor.” + +“That,” replied Tom, “is a Baronet and cornuto, who married the handsome +daughter of a great Marquis. She, however, turned out a complete +termagant, who one day, in the heat of her rage, d------d her rib for +a sneaking puppy, dashed a cup of coffee in his face, and immediately +after flew for protection to a Noble Lord, who entertained a penchant +for her. This, however, proved to be a bad speculation on her part; and +having seriously reflected on the consequences of such conduct, she made +her appearance again at her husband's door a few nights afterwards, and +in the spirit of contrition sought forgiveness, under a promise of never +transgressing any more, little doubting but her claim to admission would +be allowed. Here, however, it seems she had reckoned without her +host,--for the Baronet differing in opinion, would not listen to her +proposition: her entreaties and promises were urged in vain, and the +deserted though still _cara sposa_, has kept the portals of his door, as +well as the avenues to his heart, completely closed to her since.” + +At this moment they were interrupted by the approach of a gaily dressed +young man, who seizing Dashall by the hand, and giving him a hearty +shake, exclaimed,-- + +“Ha, my dear fellow, what Dashall, and as I live, Mr. Sparkle, you are +there too, are you: d------me, what's the scent--up to any thing--going +any where--or any thing to do--eh--d------me.” + +“Quite _ad libitum_,” replied Dashall, “happy to see Gayfield well and +in prime twig,--allow me to introduce my Cousin, Robert Tallyho, Esq.” + +“You do me proud, my dear fellow. Any thing new--can't live without +novelty--who's up, who's down--what's the wonder of the day--how does +the world wag--where is the haven of destination, and how do you weather +the point.” + +~~346~~~ “Zounds,” replied Tom, “you ask more questions in a breath than +we three can answer in an hour.” + +“Never mind--don't want you to answer; but at all events must have +something to say--hate idleness either in speech or action--hate talking +in the streets, can't bear staring at like a new monument or a statue. +Talking of statues--I have it--good thought, go see Achilles, the +ladies man--eh! what say you. D------me, made of cannons and other +combustibles--Waterloo to wit--Come along, quite a bore to stand +still--yea or nay, can't wait.” + +“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, twitching Dashall by the arm, “it +is quite new since my departure from town; “and joining arms, they +proceeded towards the Park. + +“Been out of town,” continued Gayfield,--“thought so--lost you all +at once--glad you have not lost yourself. Any thing new in the +country--always inquire--can't live without novelty--go to see every +thing and every body, every where. Nothing new in the papers--Irish +distresses old, but very distressing for a time: how the devil can you +live in the country--can't imagine.” + +“And I apprehend,” replied Sparkle, “it will be of little use to +explain; for a gentleman of so much information as yourself must know +every thing.” + +“Good, but severe--never mind, I never trouble my head with other +people's thoughts--always think for myself, let others do as they like. +Hate inquisitive people, don't choose to satisfy all inquirers. Never +ask questions of any one, don't expect answers. Have you seen the +celebrated ventriloquist, Alexandre,--the Egyptian Tomb,--the------” + +Sparkle could hold no longer: the vanity and egotism of this everlasting +prater, this rambler from subject to subject, without manner, method, +or even thought, was too much; and he could not resist the temptation to +laugh, in which he was joined by Tom and Bob. + +~~347~~~ “What is the matter,” inquired Gayfield, unconscious of being +the cause of their risibility. “I see nothing to laugh at, d------me, +but I do love laughing, so I'll enjoy a little with you at all events; +“and immediately he became a participator in their mirth, to the +inexpressible delight of his companions; “but,” continued he, “I see +nothing to laugh at, and it is beneath the character of a philosopher to +laugh at any thing.” + +“Never mind,” said Dashall, “we are not of that description--and we +sometimes laugh at nothing, which I apprehend is the case in the present +instance.” + +“I perfectly agree with the observation,” rejoined Sparkle; “it is a +case in point, and very well pointed too.” + +“Nothing could be better timed,” said Tallyho. + +“What than a horse laugh in the public streets! D------d vulgar +really---quite _outre_, as we say. No, no, you ought to consider +where you are, what company you are in, and never laugh without a good +motive--what is the use of laughing.” + +“A philosopher,” said Tom Dashall, “need scarcely ask such a question. +The superiority of his mind ought to furnish a sufficient answer.” + +“Then I perceive you are not communicative, and I always like to be +informed; but never mind, here we shall have something to entertain us.” + +“And at least,” said Sparkle, “that is better than nothing.” + +The observation, however, was lost upon the incorrigible fribble, who +produced his snuff-box, and took a pinch, with an air that discovered +the diamond ring upon his finger--pulled up his shirt collar--and at the +same time forced down his waistcoat; conceiving no doubt that by such +means he increased his consequence, which however was wholly lost upon +his companions. + +“And this,” said Sparkle, “is the so much talked of statue of +Achilles--The Wellington Trophy--it is placed in a very conspicuous +situation, however--and what says the pedestal-- + + TO ARTHUR DUKE OF WELLINGTON, + AND HIS BRAVE COMPANIONS IN ARMS, + THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES, + CAST FROM CANNON + TAKEN IN THE VICTORIES OF + SALAMANCA, VITTORIA, TOULOUSE, AND WATERLOO + IS INSCRIBED + BY THEIR COUNTRYWOMEN. + +~~348~~~ “Beautiful,” said Gayfield--“Elegant--superb.” “Bold,” said +Dashall, “but not very delicate.” “A naked figure, truly,” continued +Bob, “in a situation visited by the first circles of rank and fashion, +is not to be considered as one of the greatest proofs either of modesty +or propriety; but perhaps these ideas, as in many other instances, +are exploded, or they are differently understood to what they were +originally. A mantle might have been thought of by the ladies, if not +the artist.” + +“For my part,” said Sparkle, “I see but little in it to admire.” + +During this conversation, Gayfield was dancing round the figure with his +quizzing glass in his hand, examining it at all points, and appearing to +be highly amused and delighted. + +“It affords opportunities for a variety of observations,” said Dashall, +“and, like many other things, may perhaps be a nine days wonder. The +public prints have been occupied upon the subject for a few days, and I +know of but one but what condemns it upon some ground or other.”{1} + + 1 In all probability the following remarks will be + sufficient to make our readers acquainted with this so much + talked of statue:-- + + Kensington Gardens and the Park.--From three to seven + o'clock on Sunday, the gardens were literally crowded to an + over-How with the _élite_ of the fashionable world. The + infinite variety of shape and colour displayed in the female + costume, the loveliness and dignity of multitudes of the + fair wearers, and the serene brilliancy of the day, + altogether surpassed any thing we have hitherto witnessed + there. + + There was nothing on the drive in the Park except carriages + and horsemen, dashing along to the gardens; and as to the + 'Wellington promenade,' it was altogether neglected. Whether + it was that the 'naked majesty' of Achilles frightened the + people away, or whether the place and its accompaniments + were too garish for such weather, we know not, but certainly + it seemed to be avoided most cautiously; with the exception + of some two or three dozen Sunday-strollers, yawning upon + the Anglo-Greco-Pimlico-hightopoltical statue above + mentioned. It was curious enough to hear the remarks made by + some of these good folks upon this giant exotic--this Greek + prototype of British prowess. 'Well, I declare!' said a + blooming young Miss, as she endeavoured to scan its brawny + proportions, 'Well, I declare! did ever any body see the + like!'--'Come along, Martha, love,' rejoined her scarlet- + faced mamma; 'Come along, I say!--I wonder they pulled the + tarpoling off before the trowsers were ready.' 'What a + great green monster of a man it is,' exclaimed a meagre + elderly lady, with a strong northern accent, to a tall bony + red-whiskered man, who seemed to be her husband--'Do na ye + think 'twad a looked mair dedicate in a kilt?' 'Whist!' + replied the man; and, without uttering another syllable, he + turned upon his heel and dragged the wonder-ing matron away. + 'La, ma, is that the Dook O' Vellunton vat stand up there + in the sunshine?' 'Hold your tongue, Miss--little girls must + not ask questions about them sort of things.' 'Be th' + powers!' said one of three sturdy young fellows, as they + walked round till they got to sunward of it.' Be th' powers, + but he's a jewel of a fellow; ounly its not quite dacent to + be straddling up there without a shirt--is it Dennis?' + 'Gad's blood man!' replied Dennis, rather angrily, 'Gad's + blood man! dacency's quite out of the question in matters o' + this kind, ye see.' ''Faith, and what do they call it?' + asked the other. 'Is it--what do they call it?' re-joined + Dennis, who seemed to consider himself a bit of a wag--'Why + they mane to call it the Ladies' Fancy, to be sure!' and + away they all went, 'laughing like so many horses,' as the + German said, who had heard talk of a horse-laugh. Some of + the spectators compared the shield to a parasol without a + handle; others to a pot-lid; and one a sedate-looking old + woman, observing the tarpawling still covering the legs and + lower part of the thighs, remarked to her companion, that + she supposed they had been uncovering it by degrees, in + order to use the people to the sight gradually. In short, + poor Achilles evidently caused more surprise than + admiration, and no small portion of ridicule. But then this + was among the vulgar. No doubt the fashionable patronesses + of the thing may view it with other eyes. + +~~349~~~ On their return from the Park, our party looked in at +Tattersal's, where it proved to be settling day. Dashall and his Cousin +had previously made a trip to Ascot Races, to enjoy a day's sport, and +were so fortunate as to let in a knowing one for a considerable sum, by +taking the long odds against a favourite horse. They therefore expected +now to toutch the blunt, and thus realize the maxim of the poet, by +“uniting profit and delight in one.” + +[Illustration: page349 Ascot Races] + +“Yonder,” says Dashall, pointing out to his Cousin a very stout man, +“is H. R. H.; he is said to have been a considerable winner, both at the +late, as well as Epsom races; but the whole has since vanished at +play, with heavy additions, and the black legs are now enjoying a rich +harvest. The consequences have been, not only the sale of the fine +estate of O--t--ds by the hammer, but even the family plate and personal +property have been knocked down to the highest bidders, at Robbins's +Rooms.” + +“I should have expected,” replied Bob, “that so much fatal experience, +which is said to make even fools wise, would have taught a useful +lesson, and restrained this gambling propensity, however violent.” + +~~350~~~ “Psha, man,” continued his Cousin, “you are a novice indeed to +suppose any thing of the kind. No one uninitiated in these mysteries, +can form an idea of the inextricable labyrinth, or the powerful spell +which binds the votaries of play; and unfortunately this fatal passion +seems to pervade in an unusual degree our present nobility: indeed it +may be said there are comparatively but few of the great families who +are not either reduced to actual poverty, or approximating towards it, +in consequence of the inordinate indulgence of this vice.” + + THE WELLINGTON TROPHY; or, LADIES' MAN{1} + + Air--'Oh, the Sight entrancing.' + Oh, the sight entrancing, + To see Achilles dancing,{2} + Without a shirt + Or Highland skirt,{3} + “Where ladies' eyes are glancing: + + 1 We are told that this gigantic statue is a most + astonishing work of art, cast from the celebrated statue of + Achilles, on the Quirinal Hill; and the inscription on it + informs us, that the erection of it was paid for by the + ladies of England, to commemorate the manly energy of the + Duke of Wellington and his brave companions in arms. To + call it, therefore, the 'Ladies' Man,' is merely out of + compliment to such as patronised the undertaking; and here + we wish it to be particularly understood that we do not + sanction the word naked as a correct term (although that + term is universally applied to it), inasmuch as this statue + is not naked, the modest artist having, at the suggestion of + these modest ladies, taken the precaution of giving Achilles + a covering, similar to that which Adam and Eve wore on their + expulsion from Eden. + + 2 The attitude of the statue is so questionable as to have + already raised many opposite hypotheses as to what it is + really intended to represent. Mr. Ex-Sheriff Parkins has, + with very laudable ingenuity and classical taste, + discovered that the figure is nothing more nor less than a + syce, or running groom; just such a one, the worthy ex- + sheriff adds, as used to accompany him in India, when + engaged in a hunting party, and who, when he grew tired, + used to lay hold of the ex-sheriff's horse's tail, in order + to keep up with his master. The author of the Travestie, + however, has hit upon another solution of the attitude, + still more novel, and equally probable, namely, that of + dancing, for which he expects to gain no inconsiderable + share of popularity. + + 3 Without a shirt or Highland skirt!--It is really + entertaining to see what a refinement of criticism has been + displayed upon the defects of this incomparable statue. Some + have abused the hero for being shirtless, and said it was an + abomination to think that a statue in a state of nudity + (much larger than life, too!) should be stuck up in Hyde + Park, where every lady's eye must glance, however repugnant + it might be to their ideas of modesty. But did not the + ladies themselves order and pay for the said statue? Is it + not an emblem of their own pure taste? Then, as for + putting on Achilles a kelt or short petticoat (called by the + poet a Highland skirt), oh, shocking I it is not only + unclassical, but it would have destroyed the effect of the + thing altogether. To be sure, it would not be the first time + that Achilles wore a petticoat, for, if we are rightly + informed, his mother, Thetis, disguised him in female + apparel, and hid him among the maidens at the court of + Lycomedes, iu order to prevent his going to the siege of + Troy; but that wicked wag, Ulysses, calling on the said + maidens to pay his respects, discovered Mister Achilles + among them, and made him join his regiment. + + Each widow's heart is throbbing, + Each married lady sobbing, + While little miss + Would fain a kiss + Be from Achilles robbing!' + Then, oh, the sight entrancing, + To see Achilles dancing, + Without a shirt + Or Highland skirt, + Where ladies' eyes are glancing. + + Oh, 'tis not helm or feather, + Or breeches made of leather, + That gave delight, + By day or night, + Or draw fair crowds together.{2} + Let those wear clothes who need e'm; + Adorn but max with freedom,{3} + Then, light or dark, + They'll range the Park, + And follow where you lead 'em. + For, oh, the sight's entrancing, + To see Achilles dancing, + Without a shirt + Or Highland skirt, + Where ladies' eyes are glancing. + + + + 1 If we could only insert one hundredth part of what has + been said by widows, wives, and maids on this interesting + subject during the present week, we are quite sure our + readers would acquit us of having overcharged the picture, + or even faintly delineated it. + + 2 We certainly must differ with the author here: in our + humble opinion, helmets, feathers, leather breeches, &c. + have a wonderful effect in drawing crowds of the fair sex + together--at a grand review, for instance. + + 3 This line, it is hoped, will be understood literally. The + words are T. Moore's, and breathe the spirit of liberty--not + licentiousness. + +~~352~~~ Having succeeded in their object, Dashall and his Cousin +pursued their course homeward; and thus terminated another day spent in +the developement of Real Life in the British Metropolis. + + But still the muse beseeches + If this epistle reaches + Achilles bold, + In winter cold, + That he would wear his breeches:{1} + For though in sultry weather, + He needs not cloth nor leather, + Yet frosts may mar + What's safe in war,{2] + And ruin all together. + + But still the sight's entrancing, + To see Achilles dancing + Without a shirt + Or Highland skirt, + Where ladies' eyes are glancing. + + 1 The last verse must be allowed to be truly considerate, + nay, kind--that the ladies will be equally kind and + considerate to poor Achilles as the poet is, must be the + wish of every one who has witnessed the perilous situation + in which he is placed. + + 2 Achilles was a great favourite with the ladies from his + very birth. He was a fine strapping boy; and his mother was + so proud of him, that she readily encountered the danger of + being drowned in the river Styx herself, that she might dip + her darling in it, and thereby render him invulnerable. + Accordingly, every part of the hero was safe, except his + heel by which his mother held him amidst the heat of + battle; and, like his renowned antitype, the immortal Duke + of Wellington, he was never wounded. But, at length, when + Achilles was in the Temple, treating about his marriage with + Philoxena, daughter of Priam, the brother of Hector let fly + an arrow at his vulnerable heel, and did his business in a + twinkling. + +We cannot quit this subject without paying a compliment to the virtues +of the Court. We understand there has not been one royal carriage seen +in the Park since the erection of the statue; and if report speaks true, +the Marchioness of C-----m's delicacy is so shocked, that she intends to +quit Hamilton Place, which is close by, as early as a more modest site +can be chosen! + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + Lack a day! what a gay + What a wonderful great town! + In each street, thousands meet, + All parading up and down. + Crossing--jostling--strutting--running, + Hither--thither--going--coming; + Hurry--scurry--pushing--driving, + Ever something new contriving. + Oh! what a place, what a strange London Town, + On every side, both far and wide, we hear of its renown. + +~~353~~~ +Escorting to the ever-varying promenade of fashion, the Hon. Tom Dashall +and his Cousin Bob, whose long protracted investigation of Life in +London was now drawing to a close, proceeded this morning to amuse +themselves with another lounge in Bond-street: this arcadia of dignified +equality was thronged, the carriage-way with dashing equipages, and +the pave with exquisite pedestrians. Here was one rouged and whiskered; +there another in petticoats and stays, while his sister, like an Amazon, +shewed her nether garments half way to the knee. Then “passed smiling +by” a Corinthian bear, in an upper benjamin and a Jolliffe shallow. A +noted milliner shone in a richer pelisse than the Countess, whom the day +before she had cheated out of the lace which adorned it. The gentleman +with the day-rule, in new buckskins and boots, and mounted on a +thorough-bred horse, quizzed his retaining creditor, as he trotted along +with dusty shoes and coat; the “lady of easy virtue” stared her keeper's +wife and daughter out of countenance. The man milliner's shop-boy, _en +passant_, jogged the duke's elbow; and the dandy pickpocket lisped and +minced his words quite as well as my lord. + +Tom pointed out some of the more dashing exhibitants; and Bob inquiring +the name of a fine woman, rather _en bon point_, with a French face, who +was mounted on a chesnut hunter, and whom he had never before seen in +the haunts ~~354~~~ of fashion--“That lady,” said he, “goes by the name +of _Speculator_; her real name is Mademoiselle Leverd, of the Theatre +Français at Paris: she arrived in this country a month since, to +“have an opportunity of displaying her superior talents; though it +is whispered that the object of her journey was not altogether in the +pursuit of her profession, but for the purpose of making an important +conquest.” + +“And who is that charming woman,” continued Bob, “in the curricle next +to L------d F------?” + +“That,” returned Tom, “is Mrs. Orbery Hunter. The beautiful man next +you, is the “commercial dandy,” or as Lord G----l styles him, Apollo; +and his Lordship is a veracious man, on which account R------ calls +G------ his lyre.” + +“Ah, do you see that dashing fellow in the Scotch cloak, attended by +a lad with his arm in a sling? That is the famous Sir W. M------,who +doubles his income by gambling speculations; and that's one of his +decoys, to entrap young country squires of fortune to dine with him, +and be fleeced. In return, he is to marry him (on condition of receiving +£100. for every thousand) to an heiress, the daughter of his country +banker.” + +“Why, all the first whips in the female world are abroad to-day. There +is the flower of green Erin, Lady Foley. See with what style she fingers +the ribbans. Equally dexterous at the use of whip and tongue; woe to the +wight who incurs the lash of either. + +“That reverend divine in the span new dennet and the Jolliffe shallow, +who squares his elbows so knowingly, as he rubs on his bit of blood, is +Parson A------. He is the proprietor of the temple of gaming iniquity, +at No. 6, Pall Mall. He is a natural son of Lord B------re, by whom +he was brought up, liberally educated, and presented with church +preferments of considerable value. He married, in early life, the +celebrated singer, Miss M--h--n, whom he abandoned, with his infant +family. This lady found a protector for herself and children in the +person of the Rev. Mr. P------s, and having since obtained a divorce +from her former husband, has been married to him. The parson boasts of +his numerous amours, and, a few years since, took the benefit of the +act. Before he ventured upon the splendid speculations at the Gothic +Hall, with F------r T------n, Mr. Charles S------, and Lord D------, +he used to frequent the most notorious g------g houses, ~~355~~~ +occasionally picking up a half crown as the pigeons were knocked down +by the more wealthy players. But, chousing his colleagues out of their +shares, and getting the Gothic Hall into his own hands, he has become +the great man you see, and may truly be called by the title of autocrat +of all the Greeks. + +“And who,” inquired Bob, “is that gay careless young fellow in the +Stanhope, who sits so easy while his horse plunges?” + +“That,” replied Tom, “is the Hon. and Rev. Fitz S------, with the best +heart, best hand, and the best leg in Bond-street. He is really one of +the most fascinating men in polished society, and withal, the best +judge of a horse at Tattersalls, of a dennet at Long Acre, or a segar in +Maiden Lane.” + +“You need not tell me who that is on the roan horse, with red whiskers +and florid complexion. (The Earl of Y------, of course). Madame B. +tells a curious story of him and a filly belonging to Prince Paul. His +Lordship had a great desire to ride the said filly, and sent Madam B. +to know the terms. 'Well!' said his Lordship, when she returned--'Fifty +pounds,' she replied.--'Hem!' said his lordship, 'I will wait till next +year, and can have her for five-and-twenty.'” + +“By this hand, another female equestrian _de figure_.' That tall young +woman on the chesnut, is Lady Jane P------, sister of Lord U------. They +say, that she has manifested certain pawnbroking inclinations, and has +shewn a partiality in partnership at Almack's, to the golden balls. +“That fine young woman, leaning out of the carriage window, whose glossy +ringlets are of the true golden colour, so much admired by the dandies +of old Rome, is his Lordship's wife. He's not with her. But you know he +shot Honey at Cumberland Gate, when he was two hundred miles off, and +therefore he may be in the carriage, though he's away. + +“The person in the shabby brown coat is the Duke of Argyle. The pair +of horses that draw his carriage is the only job that Argyle ever +condescended to engage in.” + +“And who is that fat ruddy gentleman, in the plain green coat, and the +groom in grey?” + +~~356~~~ “What, you're not up to the change of colour? That's our old +friend the Duke again, and the grey livery augurs, (if I mistake not), +a visit to Berkeley square. His R------ H------ must take good care, +or that bit of blood will be seized while standing at the door of the +Circe, as his carriage was the other day, by the unceremonious nabman. +But that's nothing to what used to occur to the Marquis of W------. They +say, that if he deposited a broach, a ring, or a watch upon his table, +a hand and arm, like that of a genius in a fairy tale, was seen to +introduce itself _bon-gre, mal-gre_, through the casement, and instantly +they became 'scarce.'” + +“But I have heard,” said Bob, “of a fashionable nabman asking the Duke +the time, and politely claiming the watch as soon as it was visible.” + +The most prominent characters of the lounge had now disappeared, and +Tom and Bob pursuing their course, found themselves in a few minutes in +Covent Garden, from whence, nothing occurring of notice, they directed +their steps towards Bow-street, with the view of deriving amusement from +the proceedings of justice in the principal office on the establishment +of the metropolitan police, and in this anticipation they were not +disappointed.{1} + + 1 More Life in St. Giles's.--Mr. Daniel Sullivan, of + Tottenham Court Road, green-grocer, fruiterer, coal and + potatoe merchant, salt lish and Irish pork-monger, was + brought before the magistrate on a peace-warrant, issued at + the suit of his wife, Mrs. Mary Sullivan. Mrs. Sullivan is + an Englishwoman, who married Mr. Sullivan for love, and has + been “blessed with many children by him.” But + notwithstanding she appeared before the magistrate with her + face all scratched and bruised, from the eyes downward to + the tip of her chin; all which scratches and bruises, she + said, were the handy-work of her husband. + + The unfortunate Mary, it appeared, married Mr. Sullivau + about seven years ago; at which time he was as polite a + young Irishman as ever handled a potatoe on this side the + Channel; he had every thing snug and comfortable about him, + and his purse and his person, taken together, were + “ondeniable.” She herself was a young woman genteely brought + up--abounding in friends and acquaintance, and silk gowns, + with three good bonnets always in use, and black velvet + shoes to correspond. Welcome wherever she went, whether to + dinner, tea, or supper, and made much of by every body. St. + Giles' bells rang merrily at their wedding--a fine fat leg + of mutton and capers, plenty of pickled salmon, three ample + dishes of salt fish and potatoes, with pies, pudding and + porter of the best, were set forth for the bridal supper; + all the most “considerablest” families in Dyott Street and + Church Lane, were invited, and every thing promised a world + of happiness--and for five long years they were happy. She + loved, as Lord Byron would say, “she loved and was beloved; + she adored and she was worshipped;” but Mr. Sullivau was too + much like the hero of the Lordship's tale--his affections + could not “hold the bent,” and the sixth year had scarcely + commenced, when poor Mary discovered that she had “outlived + his liking.” From that time to the present he had treated + her continually with the greatest cruelty; and, at last, + when by this means he had reduced her from a comely young + person to a mere handful of a poor creature, he beat her, + and turned her out of doors. + + This was Mrs. Sullivan's story; and she told it with such + pathos, that all who heard it pitied her, except her + husband. + + It was now Mr. Sullivan's turn to speak. Whilst his wife was + speaking, he had stood with his back towards her, his arms + folded across his breast to keep down his choler; biting his + lips and staring at the blank wall; but the moment she had + ceased, he abruptly turned round, and, curiously enough, + asked the magistrate whether Mistress Sullivau had done + spaking. + + “She has,” replied his worship; “but suppose you ask her + whether she has any thing more to say.” + + “I shall, Sir!” exclaimed the angry Mr. Sullivan. “Mistress + Sullivan, had you any more of it to say '!” + + Mrs. Sullivan raised her eyes to the ceiling, clasped her + hands together, and was silent. + + “Very well, then,” he continued, “will I get lave to spake, + your Honour?” + + His Honour nodded permission, and Mr. Sullivan immediately + began a defence, to which it is impossible to do justice; so + exuberantly did he suit the action to the word, and the + word to the action. “Och! your Honour, there is something + the matter with me!” he began; at the same time putting two + of his fingers perpendicularly over his forehead, to + intimate that Mrs. Sullivan played him false. He then went + into a long story about a “Misther Burke,” who lodged in his + house, and had taken the liberty of assisting him in his + conjugal duties, “without any lave from him at all at all.” + It was one night in partickler, he said, that he went to bed + betimes in the little back parlour, quite entirely sick with + the head-ache. Misther Burke was out from home, and when the + shop was shut up, Mrs. Sullivan went out too; but he didn't + much care for that, ounly he thought she might as well have + staid at home, and so he couldn't go to sleep for thinking + of it. “Well, at one o'clock in the morning,” he continued, + lower-ing his voice into a sort of loud whisper; “at one + o'clock in the morn-ing Misther Burke lets himself in with + the key that he had, and goes up to bed--and I thought + nothing at all; but presently I hears something come tap, + tap, tap, at the street door. The minute after comes down + Misther Burke, and opens the door, and sure it was Mary-- + Mistress Sullivan that is, more's the pity--and devil a bit + she came to see after me at all in the little back parlour, + but up stairs she goes after Misther Burke. Och! says 1, but + there's some-thing the matter with me this night! and I got + up with the night-cap o' th' head of me, and went into the + shop to see for a knife, but I couldn't get one by no manes. + So I creeps up stairs, step by step, step by step,” (here + Mr. Sullivan walked on tiptoe all across the office, to show + the magistrate how quietly he went up the stairs), “and when + I gets to the top I sees 'em, by the gash (gas) coming + through the chink in the window curtains; I sees 'em, and + 'Och, Mistress Sullivan!' says he: and 'Och, Misther Burke,' + says she:--and och! botheration, says I to myself, and what + shall I do now?” We cannot follow Mr. Sullivan any farther + in the detail of his melancholy affair; it is sufficient + that he saw enough to convince him that he was dishonoured: + that, by some accident or other, he disturbed the guilty + pair, whereupon Mrs. Sullivan crept under Mr. Burke's bed, + to hide herself; that Mr. Sullivan rushed into the room, and + dragged her from under the bed, by her “wicked leg;” and + that he felt about the round table in the corner, where Mr. + Burke kept his bread and cheese, in the hope of finding a + knife. + + “And what would you have done with it, if you had found it?” + asked his worship. + + “Is it what I would have done with it, your honour asks?” + exclaimed Mr. Sullivan, almost choked with rage--“Is it what + I would have done with it?--ounly that I'd have digged it + into the heart of 'em at the same time!” As he said this, he + threw himself into an attitude of wild desperation, and made + a tremendous lunge, as if in the very act of slaughter. + + To make short of a long story, he did not find the knife; + Mr. Burke barricadoed himself in his room, and Mr. Sullivan + turned his wife out of doors. + + The magistrate ordered him to find bail to keep the peace + towards his wife and all the King's subjects, and told him, + that if his wife was indeed what he had represented her to + be, he must seek some less violent mode of separation than + the knife. + + There not being any other case of interest, Tom and Bob left + the office, not, however, without a feeling of commiseration + for Mr. Sullivan, whose frail rib and her companion in + iniquity, now that the tables were turned against them by + the injured husband's “plain unvarnished tale,” experienced + a due share of reprobation from the auditory. + +~~558~~~ Pursuing their course homeward through St. James'-square: +“Who have we here?” exclaimed Tom; “as I live, no other than the +lofty Honoria, an authoress, a wit and an eccentric; a combination +of qualities which frequently contribute to convey the possessor to a +garret, and thence to an hospital or poor house. It is not uncommon to +find attic salt in the first floor from heaven, but rather difficult +to find the occupier enabled to procure salt whereby to render porridge +palateable. The lady Honoria, who has just passed, resides in a lodging +in Mary-le-bone. She having mistaken stature for beauty, and attitude +for greatness, a tune on her lute for fascination, a few strange +opinions and out of the way sayings for genius, a masculine appearance +for attraction, and bulk for irresistibility, came on a cruise to London +with a view to call at C------House, where she conceived she might be +treated like a Princess. + +“She fondly fancied that a certain dignified personage who relieved her +distress, could not but be captivated with the very description of her; +in consequence of which, she launched into expenses which she was but +ill able to bear, and now complains of designs formed against her and of +all sorts of fabulous nonsense. It must, however, be acknowledged, that +an extraordinary taste for fat, has been a great som-ce of inconvenience +to the illustrious character alluded to, for corpulent women have been +in the habit of daily throwing themselves in his way under some pretence +or other; and if he but looked at them, they have considered themselves +as favourites, and in the high road to riches and fame. + +“It is well known that a certain French woman, with long flowing black +hair, who lived not an hundred miles from Pimlico, was one who fell into +this error. Her weight is about sixteen stone--and on that account she +sets herself down as this illustrious person's mistress; nay, because he +saw her once, she took expensive lodgings, ran deeply in debt, and now +abuses the great man because he has not provided for her in a princely +style, “_pour se beaux yeux_;” for it must be admitted, that she can boast +as fine a pair of black eyes as ever were seen. The circumstance of +this taste for materialism, is as unfortunate to the possessor, as a +convulsive nod of the head once was to a rich gentleman, who was never +without being engaged in some law suit or other, for lots knocked down +to him at auctions, owing to his incessant and involuntary noddings at +these places. The fat ladies wish the illustrious amateur to pay for +peeping, just as the crafty knights of the hammer endeavoured to make +the rich gentleman pay for his nodding at them.” + +“Fat, fair, and forty, then,” said Sparkle, “does not appear to be +forgotten.” + +~~360~~~ “No,” was the reply, “nor is it likely: the wits of London are +seldom idle upon subjects of importance: take for instance the following +lines:-- + + “When first I met thee, FAT and fair, + With forty charms about thee, + A widow brisk and _debonair_, + How could I live without thee. + + Thy rogueish eye I quickly spied, + It made me still the fonder, + I swore though false to all beside, + From thee I'd never wander. + + But old Fitzy now, + Thou'rt only fit to tease me, + And C----------M I vow, + Has learn't the art to please me.” + +By this time they were passing Grosvenor gate, when the Hon. Tom Dashall +directed the attention of his Cousin to a person on the opposite side of +the street, pacing along with a stiff and formal air. + +“That,” said he, “is a new species of character, if it may properly be +so termed, of which I have never yet given you any account. Sir Edward +Knowell stands, however, at the head of a numerous and respectable class +of persons, who may be entitled Philosophic Coxcombs. He proceeds with +geometrical exactness in all his transactions. You can perceive finery +of dress is no mark of his character; on the contrary, he at all times +wears a plain coat; and as if in ridicule of the common fop, takes care +to decorate his menials in the most gorgeous liveries. + +“The stiffness and formality of his appearance is partly occasioned by +the braces which he very judiciously purchased of Martin Van Butchell, +and partly by the pride of wealth and rank. + +“There is a pensiveness in his aspect, which would induce any one to +imagine Sir Edward to be a man of feeling; but those who have depended +upon outward appearances alone, have found themselves miserably +deceived; for as hypocrisy assumes a look of sanctity, so your +philosophic coxcomb's apparent melancholy serves only as a mask to cover +his stupidity. + +“Sir Edward is amorously inclined; but he consults his reason, or +pretends to do so, and by that means renders his pleasures subservient +to his health. It cannot be denied he sometimes manifests contortions of +aspect not exactly in unison with happiness; but his feelings are ever +selfish, and his apparent pain is occasioned by the nausea of a debauch, +or perhaps by the pressure of a new pair of boots. If you are in +distress, Sir Edward hears your tale with the most stoical indifference, +and he contemplates your happiness with an equal degree of apathy--a +sort of Epictetus, who can witness the miseries of a brother without +agony or sympathy, and mark the elevation of a friend without one +sentiment of congratulation: wrapt up in self, he banishes all feeling +for others. + +~~361~~~ “This philosopher has a great number of imitators--perhaps not +less than one thousand philosophic coxcombs visit London annually; and +if Sir Edward were to die, they might all with great propriety lay claim +to a participation in the property he might leave behind him, as near +relations to the family of the Knowells. These gentlemen violate all the +moral duties of life with impunity: they are shameless, irreligious, +and so insignificant, that they seem to consider themselves born for +no useful purpose whatever. Indeed they are such perfect blanks in the +creation, that were they transported to some other place, the community +would never miss them, except by the diminution of follies and vices. +Like poisonous plants, they merely vegetate, diffuse their contagious +effluvia around, then sink into corruption, and are forgotten for ever.” + +“Whip me such fellows through the world,” exclaimed Sparkle, “I have no +relish for them.” + +On calling in at Long's Hotel, they were informed that Sparkle's servant +had been in pursuit of his master, in consequence of letters having +arrived from the country; and as Dashall knew that he had two excellent +reasons why he should immediately acquaint himself with their contents, +the party immediately returned to Piccadilly. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + “-----Mark the change at very first vacation, + She's scarcely known to father or relation. + No longer now in vesture neat and tight, + Because forsooth she's learn'd to be polite. + But crop't--a bosom bare, her charms explode, + Her shape, the _tout ensemble a-la-mode_. + Why Bet, cries Pa, what's come to thee of late? + This school has turn'd thy brain as sure as fate. + What means these vulgar ways? I hate 'em wench, + You shan't, I tell thee, imitate the French; + Because great vokes adopt a foreign taste, + And wear their bosoms naked to the waist, + D'ye think you shall--No, no, I loathe such ways, + Mercy! great nokes shew all for nothing now adays.” + +~~362~~~ +The morning arose with smiles and sunshine, which appeared almost to +invite our party earlier than they intended to the enjoyments of a plan +which had occupied their attention on the previous evening, when Sparkle +proposed a ride, which being consented to, the horses were prepared, and +they were quickly on the road. + +Passing through Somers Town, Sparkle remarked to his friend Dashall, +that he could not help thinking that the manners and information of the +rising generation ought to be greatly improved. + +“And have you not had sufficient evidence of the fact?” was the reply. + +“Why certainly,” continued Sparkle, “if the increase of public schools +round the metropolis is in proportion to what has already met my +eye during our present short ride, there is sufficient evidence that +education is considered as it ought to be, of the first importance. Yet +I question whether we are so much more learned than our ancestors, as +to require such a vast increase of teachers. Nay, is not the market +overstocked with these heads of seminaries, similar to the republic of +letters, which is overwhelmed with authors, and clogged with bookmakers +and books.” + +~~363~~~ “This remark,” replied Tom, “might almost as well be made upon +every trade and profession which is followed; in the present day there +are so many in each, that a livelihood can scarcely be obtained, and a +universal grumbling is the consequence.” + +“Well,” said Bob, “I can with safety say there are but two trades or +callings that I have met with since my arrival in London, to which I +have discovered no rivalship.” + +This remark from Tallyho excited some surprise in the mind of his two +friends, who were anxious to know to what he alluded. + +“I mean,” continued he, “the doll's bedstead seller, who is frequently +to be heard in the street of London, bawling with a peculiarity of +voice as singular as the article he has for sale,--'Buy my doll's +bedsteads;'--and the other, a well known whistler, whom you must both +have heard.” + +“Egad you are right,” replied Sparkle; “and although I recollect them +both, I must confess the observation now made has never so forcibly +struck me before: it, however, proves you have not exhausted your time +in town without paying attention to the characters it contains, nor the +circumstances by which they obtain their livelihood; and although +the introduction is not exactly in point with the subject of previous +remarks, and ought not to cut the thread of our discourse, it has some +reference, and conveys to my mind a novel piece of information. But I +was about to consider what can be the causes for this extraordinary +host of ladies of all ages, classes and colours, from the Honourable +Mistress------to the Misses Stubbs, who have their establishment for +the education of young ladies in a superior style; and whether in +consequence of this legion of fair labourers in learning and science, +our countrywomen (for I am adverting particularly to the softer sex) are +chaster, wiser, and better, than their mammas and grand-mammas.” + +“A most interesting subject, truly,” replied Tom, “and well worthy of +close investigation. Now for my part I apprehend that the increase of +tutors arises from many other causes than the more general diffusion of +knowledge.” + +~~364~~~ “There can be no doubt of it,” continued Sparkle, “and some +of those causes are odd enough--very opposite to wisdom, and not more +conducive to improvement; for amongst them you will find pride, poverty, +and idleness. + +“For instance, you may discover that the proud partner of a shopkeeper +in the general line, or more plainly speaking, the proprietor of a +chandler's shop, is ambitious of having her daughter accomplished. + + “E'en good Geoffrey Forge, a blacksmith by descent, + Who has his life 'midst bars and hammers spent, + Resolves his Bet shall learn to read and write, + And grace his table with a wit polite. + To make for father's sense a reparation-- + The day arrives for fatal separation; + When Betsey quits her dad with tears of woe, + And goes to boarding-school--at Pimlico.” + +“Well, the accomplishments sought are music, dancing, French, and +ornamental work; instead of learning the Bible, being brought up to +domestic utility, cooking, washing, plain work, and the arithmetic +necessary for keeping the accounts of her father's shop. What is the +consequence?--the change in her education quite unfits Miss for her +station in life; makes her look down on her unlettered Pa--and Ma--as +persons too ignorant for her to associate with; while she is looking +up with anxious expectation to marry a man of fortune (probably an +officer); and is not unfrequently taken unceremoniously without the +consent of her parents on a visit to the church.'' + +“You are pushing the matter as close as you can, Charles,” said Dashall; +“though I confess I think, nay I may say indeed I know some instances +in which such fatal consequences have been the result of the conduct to +which you allude.” + +“Well, then, suppose even that this superior style of education should +not have the effect of turning the poor girl's head, and that she really +has prudence and discretion enough to avoid the perils and snares of +ambition; Miss Celestina is at least unfitted for a tradesman's wife, +and she must either become a companion, or a governess, or a teacher +at a school, or be set up as the Minerva of an evening school--half +educated herself, and exposed in every situation for which she is +conceived to be fitted, to numerous temptations, betwixt the teachers +of waltzes and quadrilles--the one horse chaise dancing-masters--the +lax-moraled foreign music-master--or the dashing Pa--of her young pupils +(perhaps a Peer). Celibacy is not always so much an affair of choice as +of circumstances, and sad difficulties are consequently thrown in the +way of poor Miss So and So's path through life--all originating from +pride.” + +~~365~~~ “Well,” said Bob, “since you have been amusing us with +this description, I have counted not less than eight seminaries, +establishments, and preparatory schools.” + +“I do not doubt it,” continued Sparkle; “and some of them on the meanest +scale, notwithstanding the high sounding titles under which they are +introduced to public notice: others presided over by sister spinsters, +not unfrequently with Frenchified names; such, for instance, as +'Mesdames Puerdon's Seminary,' the lady's real name being Martha (or, +if you please, Patty) Purton, and a deformed relative completing +the Mesdames: the 'Misses de la Porte,' (whom nature had made simple +Porter), and no great catch to obtain either: the 'Misses Cox's +preparatory school for young gentlemen of an early age,' all seem +to bespeak the poverty, false pride, and affectation of the owners. +Notwithstanding the fine denominations given to some of these learned +institutions, such as 'Bellevue Seminary'--'Montpeliere House'--'Bel +Retiro Boarding School,' &c. &c. + +“To such artifices as these are two classes of females compelled to +resort, namely, reduced gentlewomen and exalted tradesmen's daughters, +who disdain commerce, and hate the homely station which dame nature had +originally intended them to move in. Such ladies (either by birth or +adoption) prefer the twig to the distaff, the study to the shop, and +experience more pleasure in walking out airing with their pupils, taking +their station in the front, frequently gaudily and indiscreetly dressed, +than to be confined to the counter, or the domestic occupations of the +good old English housewife of former times. + +“Such ladies are frequently to be met with on all the Greens and +Commons, from dirty Stepney or Bethnal, to the more sumptuous Clapham or +Willisdon. Some of them are so occupied with self, that the random-shot +glances of their pupils at the exquisites and the dandy militaires about +town, do not come within the range of their notice, while others are +more vigilant, but often heave a sigh at the thought that the gay and +gallant Captain should prefer the ruddy daughter of a cheese-monger, to +the reduced sprigs of gentility which they consider themselves. + +~~366~~~ “At all events, many of these ladies,and worthy ones too, are +placed, _par force_ of poverty, in this avocation, unsuited to their +abilities, their hearts, their habits, or their former expectations. The +government of their young flock is odious to them, and although they may +go through the duties of their situation with apparent patience, it is +in fact a drudgery almost insupportable; and the objects nearest the +governess's heart--are the arrival of the vacation, the entrance-money, +the quarter's schooling, and a lengthy list of items: the arrival of +Black Monday, or a cessation of holidays, brings depressed spirits, and +she returns to her occupation, deploring her unlucky stars which placed +her in so laborious a situation--envies her cousin Sarah, who has +caught a minor in her net; nay even perhaps would be happy to exchange +circumstances with the thoughtless Miss Skipwell, who has run away with +her dancing-master, or ruined a young clergyman, of a serious turn, by +addressing love-letters to him, copied from the most romantic novels, +which have softened his heart into matrimony, and made genteel beggars +of the reverend mistress, himself, and a numerous offspring.” + +“Very agreeable, indeed,” cried Dashall. + +“Perhaps not,” said Tallyho, interrupting him, “to the parties +described.” + +“You mistake me,” was the reply; “I meant the combination of air and +exercise with the excellent descriptions of our friend Sparkle, who by +the way has not yet done with the subject.” + +“I am aware of it,” continued Sparkle, “for there is one part which I +mentioned at the outset, which may with great propriety be added in the +way of elucidation--I mean Idleness: it is the third, and shall for +the present be the last subject of our consideration, and even this has +contributed its fair proportion of teachers to the world. Miss Mel ta +way, the daughter of a tallow-chandler, who ruined himself by dressing +extravagantly his wife, and over educating his dear Caroline Matilda, +in consequence of which he failed, and shortly afterwards left the world +altogether,--was brought up in the straw line; but this was no solid +trade, and could not be relied upon: however, she plays upon the harp +and the guitar. What advantages! yet she also failed in the straw-hat +line, and therefore Idleness prefers becoming an assistant teacher +and music mistress, to taking to any more laborious, even though more +productive mode of obtaining a livelihood. + +~~367~~~ “Then Miss Nugent has a few hundred pounds, the remnant of +Pa's gleanings (Pa having been the retired butler of a Pigeoned Peer.) A +retail bookseller sought her hand in marriage, but she thought him +quite a vulgar fellow. He had no taste for waltzing, at which she was +considered to excel--he blamed her indulgence in such pleasures, and +ventured to hint something about a pudding. Then again, he can't speak +French, and dresses in dittoes. Now all this is really barbarous, and +consequently Miss Nugent spurns the idea of such a connection. + +“Let us trace her still further. In a short time she is addressed by a +Captain Kirkpatrick Tyrconnel, who makes his approaches with a splendid +equipage. The romantic sound of the former, and the glare of the latter, +attract her attention. The title of Captain, however, is merely a _nom +de guerre_, for he is only an ensign on half-pay. Miss is delighted with +his attentions: he is a charming fellow, highly accomplished, for he +sings duets, waltzes admirably, plays the German flute, and interlards +his conversation with scraps of French and Spanish. Altogether he is +truly irresistible, and she is willing to lay her person and her few +hundreds at the feet of the conquerer. The day is appointed, and every +preparation made for the nuptial ceremony; when ah! who can foresee, + +“The various turns of fate below.” + +An athletic Hibernian wife, formerly the widow of Dennis O'Drumball, +steps in between the young lady and the hymeneal altar, and claims the +Captain as her husband--she being the landlady of a country ale-house +where he had been quartered, whom he had married by way of discharging +his bill. The interposition is fortunate, because it saves the Captain +from an involuntary trip to Botany Bay, and Miss from an alliance of +a bigamical kind; though it has at the same time proved a severe +disappointment to the young lady. + +“Crossed in love--wounded in the most tender part--she forswears the +hymeneal tie; and under such unfortunate circumstances she opens a +Seminary, to which she devotes the remainder of her life.” + +~~368~~~ “Pray,” said Bob, whose eyes were as open as his ears, “did you +notice that shining black board, with preposterous large gold letters, +announcing 'Miss Smallgood's establishment for Young Ladies,' and close +alongside of it another, informing the passenger,--' That man-traps were +placed in the premises.'” + +“I did,” said Sparkle--“but I do not think that, though somewhat +curious, the most remarkable or strange association. Young ladies +educated on an improved plan, and man-traps advertised in order to +create terror and dismay! For connected with this method of announcing +places of education, is a recollection of receptacles of another +nature.” + +“To what do you allude?” inquired Tallyho. “Why, in many instances, +private mad-houses are disguised as boarding schools, under the +designation of 'Establishment.' Many of these receptacles in the +vicinity of the metropolis, are rendered subservient to the very +worst of purposes, though originally intended for the safety of the +individual, as well as the security of the public against the commission +of acts, which are too frequently to be deplored as the effect of +insanity. Of all the houses of mourning, that to which poor unhappy +mortals are sent under mental derangement is decidedly the most gloomy. +The idea strikes the imagination with horror, which is considerably +increased by a reflection on the numerous human victims that are +incarcerated within their walls, the discipline they are subjected +to, and the usual pecuniary success which attends the keepers of such +establishments,--where the continuance of the patient is the chief +source of interest, rather than the recovery. That they are useful +in some cases cannot be denied, but there are many instances too well +authenticated to be doubted, where persons desirous of getting rid of +aged and infirm relatives, particularly if they manifested any little +aberration of mind (as is common in advanced age), have consigned them +to these receptacles, from which, through the supposed kindness of +their friends, and the management of the proprietors, they have never +returned. If the parties ail nothing, they are soon driven to insanity +by ill usage, association with unfortunates confined like themselves, +vexation at the treatment, and absolute despair of escape; or if +partially or slightly afflicted, the lucid intervals are prevented, +and the disorder by these means is increased and confirmed by coercion, +irritation of mind, and despair.” + +~~369~~~ “This is a deplorable picture of the state of things, indeed,” + said Tallyho. + +“But it is unvarnished,” was the reply; “the picture requires no +imaginary embellishment, since it has its foundation in truth. Then +again, contrast the situation of the confined with the confinera. The +relatives have an interest in the care of the person, and a control over +the property, which in cases of death frequently becomes their own. +The keepers of these receptacles have also an interest in keeping the +relatives in a disposition to forward all their views of retaining the +patient, who, under the representation of being seriously deranged, is +not believed; consequently all is delusion, but the advantages which +ultimately fall to the tender-hearted relative, or the more artful +proprietor of the mad-house; and it is wonderful what immense fortunes +are made by the latter; nay not only by the proprietors, but even +the menials in their employ, many of whom have been known to retire +independent, a circumstance which clearly proves, that by some means or +other they must have possessed themselves of the care of the property, +as well as that of the persons of their unfortunate victims.” + +“This is a dull subject,” said Dashall, “though I confess that some +exposures which have been made fully justify your observations; but I am +not fond of looking at such gloomy pictures of Real Life.” + +“True,” replied Sparkle; “but it connects itself with the object you +have had in view; and though I know there are many who possess souls +of sensibility, and who would shrink from the contemplation of so much +suffering humanity, it is still desirable they should know the effects +produced almost by inconceivable causes. I know people in general avoid +the contemplation, as well as fly from the abodes of misery, contenting +themselves by sending pecuniary assistance. But unfortunately there +are a number of things that wear a similarity of appearance, yet are so +unlike in essence and reality, that they are frequently mistaken by the +credulous and unwary, who become dupes, merely because they are not eye +witnesses of the facts. But if the subject is dull, let us push forward, +take a gallop over Hampstead Heath, and return.” + +~~370~~~ “With all my heart,” cried Dashall, giving a spur to his horse, +and away they went. + +The day was delightfully fine; the appearance of the country banished +all gloomy thoughts from their minds; and after a most agreeable ride, +they returned to Piccadilly, where finding dinner ready, they spent +the remainder of the evening in the utmost hilarity, and the mutual +interchange of amusing and interesting conversation, principally +relative to Sparkle's friends in the country, and their arrangements for +the remainder of their time during their stay in the metropolis. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + “E'en mighty monarchs may at times unbend, + And sink the dull superior in the friend. + The jaded scholar his lov'd closet quits, + To chat with folks below, and save his wits: + Peeps at the world awhile, with curious look. + Then flies again with pleasure to his book. + The tradesman hastes away from Care's rude gripe, + To meet the neighbouring club and smoke his pipe. + All this is well, in decent bounds restrained, + No health is injured, and no mind is pain'd. + But constant travels in the paths of joy, + Yield no delights but what in time must cloy; + Though novelty spread all its charms to view, + And men with eagerness those charms pursue; + One truth is clear, that by too frequent use, + They early death or mis'ry may produce.” + +~~371~~~ THE post of the following morning brought information for +Dashall and his friends, and no time was lost in breaking open the seals +of letters which excited the most pleasing anticipations. A dead +silence prevailed for a few minutes, when, rising almost simultaneously, +expressions of satisfaction and delight were interchanged at the +intelligence received. + +Merry well's success had proved more than commensurate with his most +sanguine expectations. He had arrived at the residence of his dying +relative, just time enough to witness his departure from this sublunary +sphere, and hear him with his expiring breath say,--“All is thine;” and +a letter to each of his former friends announced the pleasure and +the happiness he should experience by an early visit to his estate, +declaring his determination to settle in the country, and no more become +a rambler in the labyrinths of London. + +This was a moment of unexpected, though hoped for gratification. Sparkle +applauded the plan he intended to pursue. + +Tallyho confessed himself tired of this world of wonders, and appeared +to be actuated by a similar feeling: he conceived he had seen enough of +the Life of a Rover, and seemed to sigh for his native plains again. + +~~372~~~ Dashall's relish for novelty in London was almost subdued; and +after comparing notes together for a short time, it was mutually agreed +that they would dine quietly at home, and digest a plan for future +proceedings. + +“Never,” said Tom, “did I feel so strong an inclination to forego +the fascinating charms of a London Life as at the present moment; +and whether I renounce it altogether or not, we will certainly pay a +congratulatory visit to Merry well.” + +“Example,” said Sparkle, endeavouring to encourage the feeling with +which his friend's last sentiment was expressed, “is at all times better +than precept; and retirement to domestic felicity is preferable to +revelry in splendid scenes of dissipation, which generally leads to +premature dissolution.” + +“Agreed,” said Tom; “and happy is the man who, like yourself, has more +than self to think for.--Blest with a lovely and amiable wife, and an +ample fortune, no man upon earth can have a better chance of gliding +down the stream of life, surrounded by all the enjoyments it can +afford--while I------” + +“Oh, what a lost mutton am I!” + +Sparkle could scarcely forbear laughing at his friend, though he was +unable to discover whether he was speaking seriously or ironically; he +therefore determined to rally him a little. + +“How,” said he, “why you are growing serious and sentimental all at +once: what can be the cause of this change of opinion so suddenly?” + +“My views of life,” replied Dashall, “have been sufficient to convince +me that a Like in London is the high road to Death. I have, however, +tried its vagaries in all companies, in all quarters; and, as the Song +says, + +“Having sown my wild oats in my youthful days, I wish to live happily +now they are done.” + +By this time Sparkle was convinced that Dashall was speaking the real +sentiments of his mind, and congratulated him upon them. + +~~373~~~ Tallyho expressed himself highly delighted with the information +he had acquired during his stay in London, but could not help at the +same time acknowledging, that he had no wish to continue in the same +course much longer: it was therefore agreed, that on that day fortnight +they would leave the metropolis for the residence of Merrywell, and +trust the future guidance of their pursuits to chance. + +“It would argue a want of loyalty,” said Tom, “if we did not witness the +royal departure for Scotland before we quit town; and as that is to take +place on Saturday next, we will attend the embarkation of his Majesty at +Greenwich, and then turn our thoughts towards a country life.” + +Sparkle was evidently gratified by this determination, though he could +hardly persuade himself it was likely to be of long duration; and Bob +inwardly rejoiced at the expression of sentiments in exact accordance +with his own. At a moment when they were all absorbed in thoughts of +the future, they were suddenly drawn to the present by a man passing the +window, bawling aloud--“Buy a Prap--Buy a Prap.” + +“What does the fellow mean?” interrupted Tallyho. + +“Mean,” said Dashall, “nothing more than to sell his clothes props.” + +“Props,” replied Bob, “but he cries praps; I suppose that is a new style +adopted in London.” + +“Not at all,” continued Sparkle; “the alteration of sound only arises +from an habitual carelessness, with which many of what are termed the +London Cries are given; a sort of tone or jargon which is acquired by +continually calling the same thing--and in which you will find he is +not singular. The venders of milk, for instance, seldom call the article +they carry for sale, as it is generally sounded _mieu_, or _mieu below_, +though some have recently adopted the practice of crying _mieu above_. +The sort of sing-song style which the wandering vendera of different +goods get into as it were by nature, is frequently so unintelligible, +that even an old inhabitant of the town and its environs can scarcely +ascertain by the ear what is meant; and which I apprehend arises more +from the sameness of subject than from any premeditated intention of the +parties so calling. Other instances may be given:--the chimney-sweeper, +you will find, instead of ~~374~~~ bawling sweep, frequently contracts +it to we-ep or e-ep; the former not altogether incompatible with the +situation of the shivering little being who crawls along the streets +under a load of soot, to the great annoyance of the well dressed +passengers; however, it has the effect of warning them of his approach. +The dustman, above curtailment, as if he felt his superiority over the +flue-faker, lengthens his sound to dust-ho, or dust-wo; besides, he is +dignified by carrying a bell in one hand, by which he almost stuns +those around him, and appears determined to kick up a dust, if he can +do nothing else. The cries of muffins in the streets it is difficult +to understand, as they are in the habit of ringing a tinkling bell, +the sound of which can scarcely be heard, and calling mapping ho; and +I remember one man whom I have frequently followed, from whom I could +never make out more than happy happy happy now. There is a man who +frequently passes through the Strand, wheeling a barrow before him, +bawling as he moves along, in a deep and sonorous voice, smoaking hot, +piping hot, hot Chelsea Buns; and another, in the vicinity of Covent +Garden, who attracts considerable notice by the cry of--Come buy my live +shrimps and pierriwinkles--buy my wink, wink, wink; these, however, are +exceptions to those previously mentioned, as they have good voices, +and deliver themselves to some tune; but to the former may be added +the itinerant collector of old clothes, who continually annoys you +with--Clow; clow sale. The ingenious Ned Shuter, the most luxuriant +comedian of his time, frequently entertained his audience on his benefit +nights with admirable imitations of the Cries of London, in which he +introduced a remarkable little man who sold puffs, and who, from the +peculiar manner of his calling them, acquired the name of Golly Molly +Puff; by this singularity he became a noted character, and at almost +every period some such peculiar itinerant has become remarkable in the +streets of London. Some years back, a poor wretched being who dealt in +shreds and patches, used to walk about, inviting people by the following +lines-- + + “Linen, woollen, and leather, + Bring 'em out altogether.” + +~~375~~~ Another, a sleek-headed whimsical old man, appeared, who was +commonly called the Wooden Poet, from his carrying wooden ware, which +was slung in a basket round his neck, and who chaunted a kind of song in +doggerel rhyme, somewhat similar to the following-- + + “Come, come, my worthy soul, + Will you buy a wooden bowl? + I am just come from the Borough, + Will you buy a pudding stirrer. + I hope I am not too soon, + For you to buy a wooden spoon. + I've come quick as I was able, + Thinking you might want a ladle, + And if I'm not too late, + Buy a trencher or wood plate. + Or if not it's no great matter, + So you take a wooden platter. + It may help us both to dinner, + If you'll buy a wooden skimmer. + Come, neighbours, don't be shy, for I deal just and fair, + Come, quickly come and buy, all sorts of wooden ware.” + +“Very well, indeed, for a wooden poet,” exclaimed Bois; “he certainly +deserved custom at all events: his rivals, Walter Scott or Lord Byron, +would have turned such a poetical effusion to some account--it would +have been dramatized--Murray, Longman, &c. would have been all in a +bustle, puffing, blowing, and advertising. We should have had piracies, +Chancery injunctions, and the d------1 to pay; but alas! it makes all +the difference whether a poet is fashionable and popular or not.”{1} + + 1 Lord Byron, in his preface to a recent publication, + complains that among other black arts resorted to, for the + purpose of injuring his fair fame, he has been accused of + receiving considerable sums for writing poetical puffs for + Warren's blacking. We can safely acquit his Lordship of this + charge, as well as of plagiarism from the poems he alludes + to; but it has led to a curious rencontre between the + blacking-laureat, and his patron the vender of the shin-ing + jet; and after considerable black-guardism between the + parties, the matter is likely to become the subject of legal + discussion among the gentlemen of the black robe. + + The poet, it appears, received half a crown for each + production, from the man of blacking, which the latter + considered not only a fair, but even liberal remuneration + for poetic talent; not overlook-ing, that while the + pecuniary reward would produce comfort, and add a polish to + personal appearance, the brilliance of the composition, + (both of poetry and blacking), would be fairly divided + between he authors of each; and that the fame of both would + be conjointly + + handed down to posterity, and shine for ever in the temple + of fame. + + Now it requires no uncommon sagacity to perceive, that but + for this unfortunate mistake of the public, the poet would + have remained satisfied, as far as pecuniary recompence + went, with the half-crown,--looking to futurity for that + more complete recompence, which poets ever consider far + beyond pudding or sensual gratification,--fame and + immortality; but, alas! + + “From causes quite obscure and unforeseen, What great events + to man may sometimes spring.” + + Finding from Lord B.'s own statement, that the public had + duly appreciated the merit of these compositions, and had + attached so high a value, as even to mistake them for his + Lordship's productions, our bard was naturally led into a + train of reasoning, and logical deductions, as to what + advantage had, and what ought to have resulted to himself, + according to this estimate, by public opinion.--Lord B. and + his great northern contemporary, it appeared, received + thousands from the public for their poems, while half-crowns + (not to be despised, during certain cravings, but soon + dissipated by that insatiable and unceasing tormentor, the + stomach,) was all the benefit likely to accrue in this world + to the original proprietor: in a happy moment, a happy + thought flitted athwart the poet's mind; and like the china + seller in the Arabian Nights, he found himself rolling in + ideal wealth; and spurning with disdain the blacking + merchant, the blacking, and the half-crowns, he resolved on + a project by which to realize his fondest wishes of wealth, + happiness, and independence. + + The project was this: to collect together the fugitive + blacking sonnets, so as to form a volume, under the title of + Poems supposed to be written by Lord Byron, and offer the + copyright to Mr. Murray; and in case of his refusing a + liberal sum, (that is, some-thing approaching to what he + pays the Noble Bard per Vol.) to publish them on his (the + author's) own account, and depend on the public for that + support and encouragement which their favourable decision + had already rendered pretty certain. + + Now then comes 'the rub;' the blacking vender, hearing of + our poet's intention, files a bill in Chancery, praying for + an injunction to restrain the publication, and claiming an + exclusive right in the literary property: the poet, in + replication, denies having assigned or transferred the + copyright, and thus issue is joined. His Lord-ship, with his + usual extreme caution, where important rights are involved, + wished to give the matter mature consideration, and said, + “he would take the papers home, to peruse more attentively.” + It will be recollected, that in the cause, respecting Lord + Byron's poem of Cain, his Lordship stated, that during the + vacation he had, by way of relaxation from business, perused + that work and Paradise Lost, in order to form a just + estimate of their comparative merits; and who knows but + during the present vacation, his Lordship may compare the + blacking sonnets with “Childe Harold,” “Fare Thee Well,” + &c.; and that on next seal day, the public may be benefited + by his opinion as to which is entitled to the claim of + superior excellence; and how far the public are justified in + attributing the former to the noble author of the latter. + +~~377~~~ “Then,” continued Sparkle, “there was a rustic usually mounted +on a white hobby, with a basket on one arm, who used to invade the +northern purlieus of London, mumbling Holloway Cheesecakes, which from +his mode of utterance, sounded like 'Ho all my teeth ake.'” + +“Ha! ha! ha!” vociferated Tallyho, unable to restrain his risibility. + +“Numerous other instances might be adduced,” continued Sparkle: “among +many there was a noted Pigman, whose pigs were made of what is called +standing crust, three or four inches long, baked with currant sauce in +the belly, who used to cry, or rather sing,-- + + 'A long tail'd pig, or a short tail'd pig,' &c. + +There was another singular character, who used to be called Tiddy-doll, +a noted vender of gingerbread at Bartholomew, Southwark, and other +fairs; who to collect customers round his basket used to chaunt a song, +in which scarcely any thing was distinctly articulated but the cant +expression Tiddy-doll: he used to wear a high cocked hat and feather, +with broad scolloped gold lace on it; and last, though not least, was +Sir Jeffery Vunstan, of Garrat fame, who used to walk about the streets +in a blue coat with gold lace, his shirt bosom open, and without a hat, +accompanied by his daughter, Miss Nancy, crying ould wigs.” + +“Old wigs,” reverberated Bob, “an extraordinary article of merchandize!” + +“Not more extraordinary than true,” replied Dashall; “but come, I +suppose we shall all feel inclined to write a few lines to the country, +so let us make the best of our time.” + +Upon this signal, each flew to the exercise of the quill, and indulged +his own vein of thought in writing to his friend; and the day closed +upon them without any further occurrence deserving of particular remark. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + Haste away to Scotland dear, + And leave your native home; + The Land of Cakes affords good cheer + And you've a mind to roam.-- + Here splendid sights, and gala nights + Are all prepar'd for Thee; + While Lords and Knights,--['mid gay delights!) + + And Ladies bend the knee. + Haste away to Scotia's Land, + With kilt and Highland plaid; + And join the sportive, reeling band, + With ilka bonny lad.-- + For night and day,--we'll trip away, + With cheerful dance, and glee; + Come o'er the spray,--without delay, + Each joy's prepared for Thee. + +~~378~~~ +The morning arose with a smiling and inviting aspect; and as it had been +previously rumoured that his Majesty would embark from Greenwich +Hospital at half-past eight o'clock, on his intended voyage to Scotland, +our party had arranged every thing for their departure at an early hour, +and before seven o'clock had seated themselves in a commodious and +elegant barge moored off Westminster Bridge, intending, if possible, to +see the City Companies, headed by the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen, +start, as had been proposed, from the Tower. They were shortly +afterwards gliding on the surface of the watery element towards the +scene of action: by this time the numerous parties in pursuit of the +same object were on the alert; and from almost every part of the shore +as they passed along, gaily dressed company was embarking, while merry +peals of bells seemed to announce approaching delight. The steeples on +shore, and the vessels in the river, exhibited flags and streamers, +which gave an additional splendour to the scene. All was anxiety and +expectation; numerous barges and pleasure-boats, laden with elegant +company, were speeding the same way, and every moment increasing, so +that the whole view displayed a combination of beauty, fashion, and +loyalty not often surpassed. + +~~379~~~ On arriving off the Tower, it was soon ascertained that +the Lord Mayor and City Companies had got the start of them, and +consequently they proceeded on their journey, not doubting but they +should overtake them before reaching Greenwich; and in this expectation +they were not disappointed; for soon after passing Rotherhithe Church, +they came up with the City State Barge, which was towed by a steam +boat, accompanied by several other state barges, the whole filled with +company. The brightness of the morning, and the superb appearance of +these gaily manned, and it might be added gaily womaned gallies, (for +a numerous party of fashionably attired ladies added their embellishing +presence to the spectacle) formed altogether a picture of more than +ordinary interest and magnificence. + +“This Royal Visit to Scotland,” said Sparkle, “has for some time past +been a prevailing topic of discussion from one end of the Land of Cakes +to the other, and the preparations for his Majesty's reception are of +the most splendid description--triumphal arches are to be erected, new +roads to be made, banquets to be given, general illuminations to take +place, body guards of royal archers to be appointed, and the dull light +of oil lamps to be totally obscured by the full blaze of Royal Gas. Then +there are to be meetings of the civil and municipal authorities from +every town and county, presenting loyal and dutiful addresses; and it is +expected that there will be so much booing among the “Carle's when the +King's come,” that the oilmen are said to be not a whit disconcerted at +the introduction of gas lights, the unctuous article being at present +in great demand, for the purpose of suppling the stiff joints of the +would-be courtiers, who have resolved to give a characteristic specimen +of their humble loyalty, and to oulboo all the hooings of the famed Sir +Pertinax.” + +“However,” observed Dashall, “it is not very likely they will be able to +equal the grace with which it is acknowledged the King can bow; and he +is to be accompanied by the accomplished Sir Billy, of City notoriety; +so that admirable examples are certain of being presented to the +Scottish gentry: reports state ~~380~~~ that the worthy Baronet, who +is considered to be of great weight wherever he goes, is determined +to afford his Majesty, in this visit to Edinburgh, the benefit of that +preponderating loyalty which he last year threw into the scale of the +Dublin Corporation; and that he has recently purchased from a Highland +tailor in the Hay market, a complete suit of tartan, philebeg, &c. with +which he means to invest himself, as the appropriate costume, to meet +his royal master on his arrival at Edinburgh.” + +“In that case,” said Sparkle, “there is one circumstance greatly to be +regretted, considering the gratification which our northern neighbours +might have derived, from ascertaining the precise number of cwts. of the +most weighty of London citizens. I remember reading a day or two back +that the weigh-house of the City of Edinburgh was disposed of by public +roup, and that a number of workmen were immediately employed to take it +down, as the whole must be cleared away by the 6th of August, under a +penalty of 50L.: what a pity, that in the annals of the weigh-house, the +Scotch could not have registered the actual weight of the greatest of +London Aldermen.” + +Tom and Bob laughed heartily at their friend Sparkle's anticipations +respecting the worthy Baronet; while Bob dryly remarked, “he should +think Sir Willie would prove himself a honnie lad among the lasses O; +and nae doubt he would cut a braw figure in his Highland suit.” + +“But,” continued Dashall, “we are indulging in visions of fancy, without +paying that attention to the scene around us which it deserves, and I +perceive we are approaching Greenwich Hospital. There is the royal yacht +ready prepared for the occasion; the shores are already crowded with +company, and the boats and barges are contending for eligible situations +to view the embarkation. There is the floating chapel; and a little +further on to the right is the Marine Society's School-ship, for the +education of young lads for his Majesty's service. The Hospital now +presents a grand and interesting appearance. What say you, suppose we +land at the Three Crowns, and make inquiry as to the likely time of his +Majesty's departure.” + +“With all my heart,” replied Sparkle, “and we can then refresh, for I am +not exactly used to water excursions, and particularly so early in the +morning, consequently it has a good effect on the appetite.” + +~~381~~~ By this time the City Barges had taken positions in the front +of the Hospital, and our party passed them to gain the proposed place +of inquiry: here, however, all was conjecture; the people of Greenwich +Hospital appeared to know as little of the time appointed as those of +the metropolis; and finding they had little chance of accommodation in +consequence of the great influx of company, they again embarked, +and shortly after attacked the produce of their locker, and with an +excellent tongue and a glass of Madeira, regaled themselves sufficiently +to wait the arrival. Time, however, hung heavily on their hands, though +they had a view of thousands much worse situated than themselves, +and could only contemplate the scene with astonishment, that serious +mischiefs did not accrue, from the immense congregated multitude by +which they were surrounded. + +Anxiety and anticipation were almost exhausted, and had nearly given +place to despondency, when about three o'clock the extraordinary bustle +on shore announced the certainty of the expected event being about to +take place; and in about half an hour after, they were gratified by +seeing his Majesty descend the steps of the Hospital, attended by the +noblemen, &c. under a royal salute, and rowed to the vessel prepared to +receive him. The royal standard was immediately hoisted, and away sailed +the King, amidst the heartfelt congratulations and good wishes of his +affectionate and loyal people, the firing of cannon, the ringing of +bells, and every other demonstration of a lively interest in his safety +and welfare: leaving many to conjecture the feelings with which the +heart must be impressed of a person so honoured and attended, we shall +select a few descriptive lines from the pen of a literary gentleman, +in his opinion the most likely to be expressive of the sentiments +entertained on the occasion. + + ROYAL RECOLLECTIONS. + + As slow the yacht her northern track + Against the wind was cleaving; + Her noble Master oft look'd back, + To that dear spot 'twas leaving: + So loth to part from her he loves, + From those fair charms that bind him; + He turns his eye where'er he roves, + To her he's left behind him. + When, round the bowl, of other dears + He talks, with joyous seeming, + His smiles resemble vapourish tears, + So faint, so sad their beaming; + While memory brings him back again, + Each early tie that twin'd him, + How sweet's the cup that circles then, + To her he's left behind him. + + Ah! should our noble master meet + Some Highland lass enchanting, + With looks all buxom, wild, and sweet, + Yet love would still be wanting; + He'd think how great had been his bliss + If heav'n had but assign'd him, + To live and die so pure as this, + With her he's left behind him. + As travelers oft look back at eve, + When eastward darkly going, + To gaze upon that light they leave, + Still faint behind them glowing. + + So, ere he's been a month away, + At home we sure shall find him, + For he can never longer stay, + From her he's left behind him. + +The gay assemblage before them, and the ceremony of the embarkation, the +sound of music, and the shouts of the populace, and animated appearance +of the river, which by this time seemed all in motion, amply repaid our +friends for the time they had waited; and after watching the departure +of the Royal Squadron, they returned to town; and as they passed the +London Docks, it occurred to the mind of the Hon. Tom Dashall, that his +Cousin had not yet paid a visit to these highly interesting productions +of human genius; and it was agreed that a day should be devoted to their +inspection before his departure from the Metropolis. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + ----Where has Commerce such a mart, + So rich, so throng'd, so drained, and so supplied, + As London; opulent, enlarged, and still + Increasing London? Babylon of old + Not more the glory of the earth, than she; + A more accomplish'd world's chief glory now. + +~~383~~~ +According to arrangements previously made, our friends met in the +morning with a determination to shape their course eastward, in order to +take a survey of the Commercial Docks for the accommodation of shipping, +and the furtherance of trade; and the carriage being ordered, they were +quickly on their way towards Blackwall. + +“The Docks of the Port of London,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “are of +the highest importance in a commercial point of view, and are among the +prominent curiosities of British Commerce, as they greatly facilitate +trade, and afford additional security to the merchants.” + +“Yes,” said Sparkle, “and it is to be presumed, no small profit to the +share-holders of the Companies by which they were established; but I +expect your Cousin will derive more gratification from a sight of the +places themselves, than from any description we can give, and the +time to explain will be when we arrive on the spot; for it is scarcely +possible for any one to conceive the immensity of buildings they +contain, or the regularity with which the business is carried on.--” How +do ye do?” (thrusting his head out of the window, and moving his hand +with graceful familiarity,)--“I have not seen Sir Frederick since my +matrimonial trip, and now he has passed by on horseback I really believe +without seeing me; Dashall, you remember Sir Frederick Forcewit?” + +“Perfectly well,” replied Tom; “but I was paying so much attention to +you, that I did not notice him. The liveliest fellow, except yourself, +in the whole round of my acquaintance.” + +~~384~~~ “And you are one of the best I ever met with to gain a point by +a good turn; but take it, and make the most you can of it--I may have an +opportunity of paying you off in your own coin.” + +Tallyho laughed heartily at the manner in which Sparkle had altogether +changed the conversation, but could not help remarking that Sir +Frederick had not given a specimen of his politeness, by avoiding a +return of Sparkle's salutation. + +“And yet,” continued Sparkle, “he is one of the most polished men I +know, notwithstanding I think his upper story is not a bit too well +furnished: he has a handsome fortune, and a pretty wife, who would +indeed be a lovely woman, but for an affectation of manners which she +assumed upon coming to the title of Lady Forcewit: their parties are of +the most dashing order, and all the rank and fashion of the metropolis +visit their mansion.” + +Sparkle, who was in his usual humour for conversation and description, +now entertained his friends with the following account of a party with +whom he had spent an evening just previous to his departure from town. + +“Mrs. Stepswift is the widow lady of a dancing-master, who having +acquired some little property previous to his decease, left his partner +in possession of his wealth and two daughters, though the provision for +their education and support was but scanty. The mother had the good luck +a few years after to add to her stock ten thousand pounds by a prize in +the lottery, a circumstance which afforded her additional opportunities +of indulging her passion for dress, which she did not fail to inculcate +in her daughters, who, though not handsome, were rather pleasing and +agreeable girls; and since the good fortune to which I have alluded, she +has usually given a ball by way of introduction to company, and with the +probable view, (as they are now marriageable), to secure them husbands. +It was on one of these occasions that I was invited, and as I knew +but one of the party, I had an excellent opportunity of making my +uninterrupted remarks.” + +“Then,” said Dashall, “I'll wager my life you acted the part of an +observant quiz.” + +“And I should think you would be likely to win,” observed Tallyho. + +~~385~~~ “I am bound to consider myself obliged,” continued Sparkle, +“for the bold construction you are kind enough to put upon my character +and conduct by your observations; but never mind, I am not to be +intimidated by the firing of a pop-gun, or a flash in the pan, therefore +I shall proceed. Upon my introduction I found the widow playing a rubber +with a punchy parson, a lean doctor, and a half-pay officer in the +Guards; and consequently taking a friend I knew by the arm, I strolled +through the rooms, which were spacious and well furnished. In the +ball-room I found numerous couples 'tripping it on the light fantastic +toe,' to the tune of 'I'll gang no more to yon town,' and displaying +a very considerable portion of grace and agility. In the other room +devoted to refreshments and cards, I met with several strollers like +myself, who being without partners, or not choosing to dance with such +as they could obtain, were lounging away their time near the centre of +the room. I was introduced to the two young ladies, who behaved with the +utmost politeness and attention, though I could easily perceive there +was a considerable portion of affectation mingled with their manners; +and I soon discovered that they operated as the load-stone of attraction +to several dandy-like beaux who were continually flocking around them. + +'“My dear Miss Eliza,' said a pug-nosed dandy, whom I afterwards +understood to be a jeweller's shopman, 'may I be allowed the superlative +honor and happiness of attending you down the next dance?' The manner in +which this was spoken, with a drawling lisp, and the unmeaning attitude +of the speaker, which was any thing but natural, provoked my risibility +almost beyond forbearance; his bushy head, the fall of his cape, and the +awkward stick-out of his coat, which was buttoned tight round his waist; +the drop of his quizzing glass from his bosom, and the opera hat in his +hand, formed altogether as curious a figure as I ever recollect to have +seen; though my eyes were immediately directed to another almost as +grotesque, by the young lady herself, who informed the applicant that +she had engaged herself with Captain Scrambleton, and could not avail +herself of his intended honor; while the captain himself, with a mincing +gait, little compatible with the line of life to which it was to be +presumed he was attached, was advancing and eyeing the would-be rival +with all the apparent accuracy of a military scrutiny. The contrast of +the two figures is ~~386~~~ inconceivable--the supplicating beau on the +one hand, half double, in the attitude of solicitation, and the upright +position of the exquisite militaire, casting a suspicious look of +self-importance on the other, were irresistible. I was obliged to turn +on one side to prevent discovering my impulse to laughter. The captain, +I have since learned, turned out to be a broken-down blackleg, seeking +to patch up a diminished fortune by a matrimonial alliance, in which he +was only foiled by a discovery just time enough to prevent his design +upon Miss Eliza.” + +“Mere butterflies,” exclaimed Dashall, “that flutter for a time in +sunshine with golden wings, to entrap attention, while the rays +fall upon them, and then are seen no more! but I always like your +descriptions, although you are usually severe.” + +[Illustration: page386 At a Party] + +“As soon as I could recover my solemnity, 1 tound a little gentleman, +who reminded me strongly of cunning little Isaac in the Duenna, +advancing towards Miss Amelia with true dancing-master-like precision. +I soon discovered, by her holding up her fan at his approach, that +she held him in utter aversion, and found he received a reply very +derogatory to his wishes; when stepping up to her by the introduction of +my friend, I succeeded m obtaining her hand for the dance, to the great +mortification and discomfiture of Mr. O'Liltwell, who was no other than +an Irish dancing-master in miniature. There is always room enough for +observation and conjecture upon such occasions. There were, however, +other characters in the rooms more particularly deserving of notice. +In one corner I found Lord Anundrum, the ex-amateur director, m close +conversation with Mr. Splitlungs, a great tragedian, and Tom Little, +the great poet, on the subject of a new piece written by the latter, +and presented for acceptance to the former by. Mr. Splitlungs, the +intermediate friend of both. I discovered the title of this master-piece +of dramatic literature to be no other than 'The Methodical Madman, or +Bedlam besieged.' A little further on sat Dr. Staggerwit, who passes +for a universal genius: he is a great chemist, and a still greater +gourmand, moreover a musician, has a hand in the leading Reviews, a +share m the most prominent of the daily papers; is president of several +learned institutions, over the threshold of which he has never passed, +and an honorary member of others which have long been defunct: he +appeared to be absorbed in contemplation, and taking but little notice +of the gaieties by which he was surrounded. My friend informed me he was +just then endeavouring to bring before Parliament his _coup de maître_, +which was a process for extracting a nourishing diet for the poor from +oyster shells.” + +~~387~~~ “What the devil is the matter?” exclaimed Dashall, thrusting +his head out of the carriage window upon hearing a sudden crash. + +“Matter enough, your honour,” bawled an athletic Irishman in the habit +of a sailor; “by the powers, here's Peg Pimpleface, the costermonger's +great grand-daughter, at sea without a rudder or compass, upset in a +squall, and run bump ashore; and may I be chained to the toplights if I +think either crew or cargo can be saved.” + +It appeared that Peg Pimpleface had been round Poplar, Limehouse, and +their vicinities, to sell her cargo of greens, potatoes, and other +vegetables; and having met with tolerable success, she had refreshed +herself a little too freely with the juniper, and driving her +donkey-cart towards Whitechapel, with a short pipe in her mouth, had +dropped from her seat among the remains of her herbage, leaving her +donkey to the uncontrolled selection of his way home. A Blackwall stage, +on the way to its place of destination, had, by a sudden jerk against +one of the wheels of Peg's crazy vehicle, separated the shafts from the +body of the cart, and the donkey being thus unexpectedly disengaged from +his load, made the best of his bargain, by starting at full speed +with the shafts at his heels, while the cart, by the violence of the +concussion, lay in the road completely topsy turvey; consequently Tom +looked in vain for the fair sufferer who lay under it. + +“Poor Peg,” continued the Irishman, “by the powers, if her nose comes +too near the powder magazine, the whole concarn will blow up; and as I +don't think she is insured, I'll be after lending her a helping hand; +“and with this, setting his shoulders to the shattered machine, at one +effort he restored it to its proper position, and made a discovery of +Peg Pimpleface, with her ruby features close to a bunch of turnips, the +whiteness of which served to heighten in no small degree their effect: +the fall, however, had not left her in the most delicate situation for +public inspection; the latter part of her person presenting itself bare, +save and except that a bunch of carrots appeared to have sympathized in +her misfortune, and ~~388~~~ kindly overshadowed her brawny posteriors. +As she lay perfectly motionless, it was at first conjectured that poor +Peg was no longer a living inhabitant of this world: it was, however, +soon ascertained that this was not the fact, for the Hibernian, after +removing the vegetables, and adjusting her clothes, took her up in his +arms, and carried her with true Irish hospitality to a neighbouring +public-house, where seating her, she opened her eyes, which being black, +shone like two stars over the red protuberance of her face. + +“By J------s,” says Pat, “Peg's a brilliant of the first water; give her +a glass of max, and she'll be herself in two minutes:” at the sound of +this, animation was almost instantaneously restored, and Tom and his +friends having ascertained that she had sustained no bodily harm, gave +the generous Irishman a reward for his attentions, jumped into the +carriage, and proceeded on their journey. + +They were not long on their journey to Black wall; where having arrived, +the first object of attention was the East India Docks, to which they +were introduced by Mr. M. an acquaintance of Dashall's. + +“These Docks,” said Tom to his Cousin, “are a noble series of works, +well worthy of the Company which produced them, though they generally +excite less interest than the West India Docks, which are not far +distant, and of which we shall also have a sight.” + +“It should be remembered,” observed Mr. M. “that these docks are solely +appropriated to the safe riding of East Indiamen. The import dock is +1410 feet long, 560 wide, and 30 feet deep, covering an area of 18 acres +and a half. The export dock is 780 feet long, 520 feet wide, and 30 feet +deep, covering nine acres and a half, with good wharf, and warehouse +room for loading and unloading.” + +“Pray,” said Bob, “what are those immense caravans, do they belong +to the shew-folk, the collectors of wild beasts and curiosities for +exhibition at the fair? or------” + +“They are vehicles of considerable utility, Sir,” replied Mr. M.; “for +by means of those covered waggons, all the goods and merchandize of the +East India Company are conveyed to and from their warehouses in town, +under lock and key, so as to prevent fraud and smuggling. They are very +capacious, and although they have a heavy and cumbrous appearance, they +move along the road ~~389~~~ with more celerity than may be imagined; +and the high wall with which the docks are surrounded, prevents the +possibility of any serious peculation being carried on within them. The +Company are paid by a tonnage duty, which they charge to the owners. +Coopers, carpenters, and blacksmiths, are continually employed in +repairing the packages of goods, landing, and snipping; and a numerous +party of labourers are at all times engaged in conveying the merchandize +to and from the shipping, by which means hundreds of families are +provided for. The Company is established by Act of Parliament, and for +the convenience of the merchants they have an office for the transaction +of business in town.” + +“It is a very extensive concern,” said Tallyho, “and is doubtless of +very great utility.” + +Having satisfied themselves by looking over these extensive works, Mr. +M. informed them, that adjoining the Docks was a ship-building yard, +formerly well known as Perry's Yard, but now the property of Sir Robert +Wigram. “Probably you would like to take a view round it.” + +To this having replied in the affirmative, they were quickly introduced. + +“Sir Robert,” said Mr. M. “has been, and I believe still is, a +considerable managing owner of East India Shipping, whose fortune +appears to have advanced as his family increased, and perhaps few men +have deserved better success; he was born at Wexford, in Ireland, in the +year 1744, and was brought up under his father to the profession of +a surgeon: he left Ireland early in life, to pursue his studies in +England, and afterwards obtained an appointment as surgeon of an East +Indiaman, and remained some years in the service: he married Miss +Broadhurst, the youngest daughter of Francis Broadhurst, of Mansfield, +in Nottinghamshire, an eminent tanner and maltster; soon after which +he commenced his career as owner of East India Shipping. The General +Goddard, commanded by William Taylor Money, Esq. sailed under his +management, and was fortunate enough during the voyage to capture eight +Dutch East Indiamen, of considerable value, off St. Helena; since which +he has been one of the most eminent ship-owners in the City of London.” + +~~390~~~ “A proof,” said Sparkle, “of the advantages to be derived from +perseverance, and the active exercise of an intelligent mind.” + +“His first wife,” continued the informant, “died in the year 1786, +leaving him five children; and in the following year he married Miss +Eleanor Watts, daughter of John Watts, Esq. of Southampton, many years +Secretary to the Victualling Office, who is the present Lady Wigram, +the benevolence of whose heart, and gentleness of manners, have not only +endeared her to her husband, but gained her the esteem and regard of all +who know her, and by this lady he has had seventeen children.” + +“Zounds!” said Bob, “a man ought to have a mine of wealth to support +such a numerous progeny.” + +“They are, however, all of them well provided for; and Sir Robert has +the happiness, at an advanced age, to find himself the father of a +happy family; he rejoices once a year to have them all seated at his +own table; and has in many instances surprised his friends by an +introduction. It is related, that a gentleman from the Isle of Wight +met him near the Exchange, and after mutual salutations were passed, he +invited the gentleman to dine with him, by whom an excuse was offered, +as he was not equipped for appearing at his table. 'Nonsense,' said Sir +Robert, 'you must dine with me; and I can assure you there will be +only my own family present, so come along.' Guess the surprise of his +visitor, on being introduced to a large party of ladies and gentlemen. +He was confused and embarrassed. He begged pardon, and would have +retired, declaring that Sir Robert had informed him that none but his +own family were to be present. This Sir R. affirmed he had strictly +adhered to, and introduced his friend to his sons and daughters by name, +which it may fairly be presumed, though it explained, did not exactly +tend to decrease his visitor's embarrassment.” + +“And these premises,” inquired Bob, “belong to the man you have +described?” + +“The same,” said Mr. M.; “they are managed and conducted under the +superintendence of two of his sons. Here, East India ships are built, +launched, and repaired: there are two on the stocks now of considerable +magnitude; the premises are extensive and commodious, and that high +building which you see is a mast-house, and the other buildings about +the yard are devoted to sail lofts, and shops for the various artizans, +requisite to complete the ~~391~~~ grand design of building and fitting +out a ship for sea. From this yard you have a fine view over the marshes +towards Woolwich, and also a commanding prospect of Greenwich Hospital. +The various vessels and boats passing and repassing at all times, give +variety to the scene before you; and when a launch takes place, the +whole neighbourhood represents something of the nature of a carnival; +the river is covered with boats filled with company, and every part of +the shore near the spot from which the magnificent piece of mechanism is +to burst upon its native element, is equally occupied; temporary +booths are erected upon each side of what is termed the cradle, for the +accommodation of invited visitors; bands play as she moves, and a bottle +of wine is thrown at her head as she glides from the stocks, when her +name is pronounced amidst the universal shouts of huzza.” + +“It must be a most gratifying sight,” observed Bob, “to see her cleave +the watery world; indeed it is a very pleasing view we have already +had of these floating castles, though I must also remark, that your +descriptions have added greatly to the enjoyment, and I think we are +much indebted for your kindness.” + +They now parted with Mr. M.; and after refreshing with a glass of wine +and a sandwich at the Plough, they proceeded to the West India Docks, +the entrance to which required no introduction. “Here,” said Dashall, +“you will find a much longer space occupied than at the East India +Docks. These were undertaken according to an Act of Parliament passed +in 1799, and the place was formerly called the Isle of Dogs, though it +might almost as appropriately have been called the Isle of Boys. Upon +the wharfs and quays adjoining, all West India ships unload and load +their cargoes.” + +“And exclusively, I suppose,” interrogated Tallyho, “for the +accommodation of West India Shipping?” + +“Exactly so,” continued Tom; “the West India Trade generally arrives in +fleets, and formerly used to create much crowding, confusion, and damage +in the river; but these ships being now disposed of in the docks, the +overgrown trade of the port is carried on with pleasure and convenience; +for notwithstanding they have occasioned a very important trade to +be removed to a considerable and even inconvenient distance from the +metropolis, yet the advantages to the Port of London are upon the whole +incalculable. + +~~392~~~ “The Northern Dock for unloading inwards is 2600 by 510 +feet, and 29 feet deep, covering a space of 30 acres, and capable +of containing from two to three hundred sail of vessels, in greater +security than the river could afford them; and the West India Dock +Company are reimbursed for the accommodation by a tonnage of 6s. upon +the burthen of every ship which enters the docks; besides which they are +entitled to charge for wharfage, landing, housing, weighing, cooperage, +and warehouse room; certain rates upon all goods that are discharged, +such as 8d. per cwt. upon sugar; 1d. per gallon upon rum; Is. 6d. per +cwt. upon coffee; 2s. 6d. per cwt. upon cotton, wool, &c.: and all this +immense business is conducted with a general order and regularity which +greatly facilitates the business of the merchant.” + +“But,” said Sparkle, “I apprehend it subjects him to something more of +expense than he incurred by the former mode of proceeding.” + +“I am not able decidedly to answer,” continued Tom; “but in the main, I +expect that if so, it is well worth what is paid to have the additional +security. The forms of conducting the business may sometimes be attended +with considerable trouble, but there are persons so well acquainted with +them by habitual practice, that there cannot be much difficulty at this +period. This is the Export Dock, which covers an area of 24 acres, and +is 2600 by 400 feet, and 29 deep. The immense buildings round the two +docks, are warehouses for the reception of goods, and are of the most +substantial description; and to enable shipping in their passage up and +down the Thames to avoid the circuitous and inconvenient course round +the Isle of Dogs, a canal has been cut across this peninsula, through +which, upon paying certain moderate rates, all ships, vessels, and +craft, are permitted to pass in their passage up and down the river. +In seeing this, and the East India Docks, you have seen pretty well the +nature of the whole, for they are all of a similar construction, for +similar purposes, and under similar management: but we will now look in +at the London Docks, which are situated between Ratcliffe Highway and +the Thames, then home to dinner, and to dress for Lady M.'s party in the +evening.” + +~~393~~~ Thus saying, they took their way towards the place he had +mentioned. It would, however, be extending description more than +necessary, after the preceding observations of the Hon. Tom Dashall, +except to state that the Dock covers 20 acres of ground, and is 1262 +feet long, 699 feet wide, and 27 deep. The warehouses, situated at the +eastern extremity, are two in number, appropriated for the reception of +tobacco; the largest 762 feet long, and 160 feet wide, equally divided +by a strong partition wall, with double iron doors; the smallest is 250 +feet by 200. They consist of a ground floor and vaults, the latter of +which are devoted to the care and housing of wines, in which are usually +5000 pipes. They are solely under the control of the Customs, and the +proprietors of the Docks have nothing more to do with them than to +receive the rent. Other warehouses are devoted to the reception of the +various articles of commerce, and the small buildings situated near the +edge are appropriated to counting-houses for clerks and officers, and +for weighing and pileing the goods, workshops, &c. as in the West India +Docks. The capital of the Company is about £2,000,000, and the ultimate +profits are limited to 10 per cent. The building was commenced in 1802, +and the grand dock was opened in 1805. In the immense subterraneous +caverns under the warehouses, all wines imported by the London merchant +are deposited, without paying the import duty, until it is fully +disposed of by the owner: a practice which is termed bonding, and saves +the proprietor the advance of the duty to government out of his capital. +When the merchant finds a person likely to become a purchaser, he +directs a written order to the cellarman, to peg certain pipes which +are a part of his stock, in order that the visitor may taste the various +samples, and select from them such as he is most agreeable to purchase.” + +“And no small convenience, of course,” said Bon, “and of course the +goods are not allowed to be removed till the duties and charges are paid +by the purchaser.” + +“Certainly,” was the reply; “they are held as a security for their +ultimate payment; but come, as we have already seen enough of docks, let +us make the best of our way home.” + +~~394~~~ Upon arrival in Piccadilly, a letter from Merrywell reminded +Tom of his proposed journey to the country, with the additional +attraction of Merrywell's description of the parson's daughter, whom he +suggested might in all probability become his wife. + +Sparkle likewise received a letter from home, reminding him of the +expectations entertained of his early arrival. After dinner the evening +was spent in the most agreeable and pleasant way, where our friends +engaged themselves with tripping it on the light fantastic toe at Lady +M.'s, till the beams of the morning darted upon them. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + I'm amaz'd at the signs + As I pass through the town, + To see the odd mixture, + “A Magpie and Crown,” + “The Whale and the Crow.” + “The Razor and Hen,” + “The Leg and Seven Stars,” + “The Bible and Swan,” + “The Axe and the Bottle,” + “The Tun and the Lute,” + “The Eagle and Child,” + “The Shovel and Boot.” + +~~395~~~ +The proposed time for departure having pressed hard upon our friends, +(who though determined to quit the gaieties of London, still seemed to +linger, like the moth about the candle, unwilling to separate themselves +from its delights,) preparations were at length decided and acted upon; +the Hon. Tom Dashall having ordered his servants to proceed on the road +with the carriage, horses, and other appendages of his rank, giving +time for arrival at the place of destination by easy stages, in order +to avoid over fatiguing either his attendants or his horses, an example +which was followed by Sparkle and Tallyho, who had mutually agreed to +travel by the Mail; for which purpose places were accordingly taken at +the Bull and Mouth, which being announced to Tallyho, he took occasion +to ask his Cousin for an explanation of so singular a sign for an Inn. + +“As far as I am able to learn,” replied Tom, “it was originally the +Mouth of Boulogne Harbour, or Boulogne Mouth,--and from thence corrupted +to the Bull and Mouth. There are, however, many curious signs, to trace +the original derivation of which, has afforded me many amusing moments +during my perambulation through the streets of the metropolis; indeed it +has often struck me, that the signs in many instances are so opposite to +the several professions they are intended to designate, that some remedy +should certainly be applied.” + +~~396~~~ “And how,” said Sparkle, “would you propose to have the +exhibition of signs regulated?” + +“That,” said Dashall, “as a subject of deep importance, ought to be +subjected to the legislative body for decision: it will be enough for +me to point out a few instances which have come under my own immediate +notice. + +“A short time back, as I was passing near Smithfield, I was surprised +at observing the sign of 'The Cow and Snuffers;' and whilst I was +endeavouring to throw some light upon this subject, and puzzling myself +in endeavouring to discover how it was possible for a Cow to snuff a +Candle, or even a farthing rushlight; nay, even how it could happen +that so strange an association should take place, I was diverted from +my study on turning round, to find that some artist had exercised his +ingenuity in painting a Goat in Jack Boots. At first I conceived this +must be intended as a satire on our old debauchees, many of whom +hide their spindled shanks in the tasselled hessian. These proving +inexplicable to my shallow understanding, I pursued my walk, and +observed against a strong newbuilt house--'A Hole in the Wall;' and not +far from the Fleet Prison, I perceived, with some surprise, 'A Friend at +Hand.' Over a house kept by Nic. Coward, I saw 'The Fighting Cocks;' and +at a crimping rendezvous, remarked, 'The Tree of Liberty.'--'The Jolly +Gardeners' were stuck up at a purl house; and I can assure you, it was +with much mortification I detected 'The Three Graces' at a gin shop.” + +“Ha, ha, ha,” said Tallyho, laughing, “very natural combinations of +characters and subjects for a contemplative philosopher like yourself to +exercise your ingenuity upon.” + +“Passing by a public-house,” continued Tom, “the landlady of which +was exercising her tongue with the most clamorous volubility, I could +scarcely credit my eyes to find the sign of 'The Good Woman,' or, in +other words, a woman without a head. Entering a house for refreshment, +I was told, after calling the waiter for near an hour, that I was at +the sign of 'The Bell;' and upon desiring the master of 'The Hen and +Chickens,' to send ~~397~~~ me home a fine capon, he shewed me some +cambric, and assured me it was under prime cost. The most ominous sign +for a customer, I thought, was 'The Three Pigeons;' and I own it was +with considerable astonishment when, after ordering a bed at 'The +Feathers,' I was compelled to pass the night on a straw mattrass. I have +breakfasted at 'The Red Cow,' where there was no milk to be had; and +at the sign of 'The Sow and Pigs,' have been unable to procure a single +rasher of bacon. At 'The Bell Savage,' (which by the way is said to be a +corruption of La Belle Sauvage, or 'The Beautiful Savage,') I have found +rational and attentive beings; and I have known those who have bolted +through 'The Bolt in Tun,' in order to avoid being bolted in a prison.” + +“Vastly well, indeed,” exclaimed Sparkle; “and after all there is much +to be done by a sign as well as by an advertisement in the newspapers, +however inappropriate. The custom is of very ancient date, having been +made use of even by the Romans; and not many years back a bush of ivy, +or a bunch of grapes, was used for the purpose; nay, to the present day +they may be met with in many places. The Bush is perhaps one of the +most ancient of public-house signs, which gave rise to the well-known +proverb, + +“Good wine needs no bush.” + +That is to say, it requires nothing to point out where it is sold. +At country fairs, you will frequently see the houses in its vicinity +decorated with a Bush or a Bough, from which they are termed Bough +Houses, where accommodation may be found. This practice, I know, is +still in use at Boroughbridge, in Yorkshire, during their annual fair in +June, which lasts a week or ten days. But putting up boughs as a sign of +any thing to be sold, was not confined to alehouses; for in old times, +such as sold horses were wont to put flowers or boughs upon their heads, +to reveal that they were vendible.{1} + + 1 In all probability from this practice originated the well + known proverb, + + “As fine as a horse,” + + an illustration of which, from the “Life of Mrs. + Pilkington,” is here subjoined:-- + + “They took places in the waggon for Chester, and quitted + London early on May morning; and it being the custom on the + first of this month to give the waggoner at every Inn a + ribbon to adorn his team, she soon discovered the origin of + the proverb 'as fine as a horse;' for before they got to + the end of the journey, the poor beasts were almost blinded + by the tawdry party-coloured flowing honours of their + heads.” + +~~398~~~ In Scotland, a wisp of straw upon a pole, is or was some years +ago the indication of an alehouse; and to this day a ship or vessel for +sale may be discovered by a birch broom at the mast head. I remember +reading, that in Fleet Market, on the eastern side, there were some +small houses, with a sign post, representing two hands conjoined, with +words, “Marriages performed within” written beneath them, whilst a dirty +fellow assailed the ears of the passengers with the reiterated and loud +address of, “Sir, will you walk in and be married,” (as if the dread of +any stoppage in the trade of conjugality was threatening mankind with +premature extinction,) and the parson was seen walking before his shop, +ready to couple you for a dram of gin or a roll of tobacco.” + +“Those were the times for getting married,” exclaimed Bob, “no +affidavits, certificates, and exposures at church doors!” + +“No,” continued Sparkle, “those are signs of altered times. A witty +wigmaker adopted the sign of Absolom hanging to a tree, with King David +lamenting at a distance, who was represented with a label issuing from +his mouth, containing these words-- + + “O Absolom! my Son! my Son! + Had'st thou a peruke worn, thou had'st not been undone.” + +This sign, if I remember right, was to be seen a few years since in +Union-street, Borough, and is not uncommon even now in France, where you +may also find the 'Cochon sans Tete,' (the pig without a head,) which is +generally a restaurateur's sign, indicating that 'good pork is here--the +useless animal's head is off,' illustrative of the Negro's opinion of +a pig in England--“de pig,” said Mungo, “is de only gentleman in +England--man workee, woman workee, horse workee, ass workee, ox workee, +and dog workee--pig do nothing but eat and sleep--pig derefore de only +gentleman in England.'” + +~~399~~~ The conversation increased in interest as they proceeded, and +Tallyho was all attention; for it must be observed, that as his inquiry +had occasioned it, he was willing to listen to all that could be +advanced on the subject; and the Hon. Tom Dashall determined to have his +share in the explanation. + +“The 'Man in the Moon,'” said he, “is derived from the old observation, +that a tipsy person is 'in the wind,' or 'in the moon,' (a lunatic.) The +sign may therefore be thought to give this advice, 'Here is good drink, +gentlemen, walk in and taste it; it will make you as happy as the man in +the moon; that is to say, steep your senses in forgetfulness.'--'The +Bag of Nails' was the sign of an Inn at Chelsea, which may perhaps +be noticed as the _ne plus ultra_ of ludicrous corruption, having +originally been a group of _Bacchanals_.” + +Here risibility could no longer be restrained, and a general laugh +ensued. + +“A group of Bacchanals, however,” continued Tom, “is certainly not an +out of the way sign for an Inn, nor do I conceive its corruption so +very _outre_, when we look at others that have suffered much stranger +metamorphoses; for who would have thought that time could have performed +such wonderful changes as to have transformed a view of Boulogne Harbour +into a Black Bull, and a tremendous mouth sufficiently large to +swallow its neighbours, horns and all; or the name La Belle Sauvage, or +Beautiful Savage, into a bell, and a gigantic wild man of the woods.” + +“Then again,” said Sparkle, “taking up the subject, “the pole and bason, +though no longer the exhibited emblems of a barber's occupation in +London, are still very often to be met with in its environs and in the +country, where they are ostentatiously protruded from the front of +the house, and denote that one of those facetious and intelligent +individuals, who will crop your head or mow your beard, 'dwelleth here.' +Like all other signs, that of the barber is of remote antiquity, and has +been the subject of many learned conjectures: some have conceived it +to originate from the word poll, or head; but the true intention of +the party-coloured staff, was to indicate that the master of the shop +practised surgery, and could breathe a vein, as well as shave a beard; +such a staff being to this day used by practitioners, and put into the +hand of the patient while undergoing the operation of phlebotomy: the +white band, which no doubt you have observed encompassing the staff, was +meant to represent the fillet, thus elegantly twined about it. + +~~400~~~ “And this,” said Sparkle, “appears to be the most reasonable +conjecture of any I ever heard, as it is well known the two businesses +were in former times incorporated together, and the practiser was termed +'A Barber Surgeon.' Then as to their utility: the choice of a +witty device, or splendid enluminure, was formerly thought of great +consequence to a young beginner in the world; and I remember reading of +an Innkeeper at Cassel, who having considerably profited by his numerous +customers under the sign of 'The Grey Ass,' supposing himself well +established in his trade and his house, began to be tired of the vulgar +sign over his door, and availed himself of the arrival of the Landgrave +of Hesse, to make (as he thought) a very advantageous change. In an +evil hour, therefore, 'The Grey Ass' was taken down and thrown aside, +in order to give place to a well painted and faithful likeness of the +Prince, which was substituted for it as a most loyal sign. + +“A small and almost unfrequented house in the same town, immediately +took up the discarded sign, and speculatively hoisted 'The Grey Ass.' +What was the consequence? Old codgers, married men with scolding Avives +at home, straggling young fellows, and all the 'fraternity of free +topers,' resorted to the house, filled the tap-room, crammed the +parlour, and assailed the bar: the Grey Ass had the run, and was all +the vogue; whilst the venerable Prince of Hesse swung mournfully +and deserted at the other place, and enticed no visitors, foreign +or domestic; for it should be observed, that 'The Grey Ass' had such +reputation all over Germany, that every foreign nobleman or gentleman +who came to Cassel, was sure to order his coach or chaise to be driven +to the inn of that name; and this order of course was still continued, +for how was it to be known by travellers coming from Vienna, Hungary, or +Bohemia, that a certain innkeeper at Cassel had altered his sign? To the +inn, therefore, which was denominated 'The Grey Ass,' they still went. + +“What could the poor deserted innkeeper do in such a case? To deface the +fine portrait of his master, would have been high treason; yet losing +his customers on the other hand was downright starvation. In this cruel +dilemma he dreamt of a new scheme, and had it executed. + +~~401~~~ The portrait of the Prince was preserved, but he had written +under it, in large characters, + +'This is the Original Grey Ass.' + +“Excellent!” exclaimed the Hon. Tom Dashall, “though I must confess +you have travelled a long way for your illustration, which is quite +sufficient to shew the utility of signs. But I would ask you if you can +explain or point out the derivation of many we have in London--such for +instance as 'The Pig and Tinder-Box'--'The Prad and Blower'--'The Bird +and Baby'--'The Tyrant and Trembler'--'The Fist and Fragrance'” + +“Hold,” cried Sparkle, “I confess I am not quite so learned.” + +“They are novel at least,” observed Tallyho, “for I do not recollect to +have met with any of them.” + +“Ha, ha, ha!” exclaimed Tom, “then you are not fly, and I must add +something to your stock of knowledge after all. The Pig and Tinder-Box +is no other than the Elephant and Castle--The Prad and Blower, the Horse +and Trumpeter--The Bird and Baby, the Eagle and Child--The Tyrant +and Trembler, the Lion and Lamb--The Fist and Fragrance, the Hand and +Flowers. Then we have the Book, Bauble, and holler, which is intended to +signify the Bible, Crown, and Cushion.” + +At this moment a thundering knock at the door announced a visitor, and +put an end to their conversation. + +In a few minutes a letter was delivered to Dashall, which required an +immediate answer: he broke the seal, and read as follows:-- + +“Dear Tom, “Come to me immediately--no time to be lost--insulted and +abused--determined to fight Bluster--You must be my second--I'll blow +his blustering brains out at one pop, never fear. At home at 7, dine at +half-past; don't fail to come: I will explain all over a cool bottle of +claret--then I shall be calm, at present I am all fire and fury--don't +fail to come--half-past seven to a moment on table. You and I alone--toe +to toe, my boy--I'll finish him, and remain, as ever, + +“Yours, sincerely, + +“Lionel Laconic.” + +~~402~~~ “Here's a breeze,” said Tom; “desire the messenger to say I +shall attend at the appointed hour. Death and the devil, this defeats +all previous arrangement; but Laconic is an old college friend, whom I +dare not desert in a moment of emergency. I fear I shall not be able, +under such circumstances, to leave town so early as was proposed.” + +“Sorry for it,” replied Sparkle, “and more sorry to be deprived of your +company now our time is so short; however, I depart according to the +time appointed.” + +“And I,” said Tallyho, “having no honorable business to detain me in +town, intend to accompany you.” + +“If that be the case,” said Tom, “I may perhaps be almost obliged to +delay a few days, in order to adjust this difference between Bluster and +Laconic, and will follow at the earliest moment. It is, however, a duty +we owe each other to render what assistance we can in such cases.” “I +thought,” continued Tallyho, “you were no friend to duelling.” + +“By no means,” was the reply; “and that is the very reason why I think +it necessary to delay my departure. I know them both, and may be able +to bring matters to an amicable conclusion; for to tell you the truth, I +don't think either of them particularly partial to the smell of powder; +but of that I shall be able to inform you hereafter; for the present +excuse me--I must prepare for the visit, while you prepare yourselves +for your departure.” + +Sparkle and Tallyho wished Tom a pleasant evening, took their dinner +at the Bedford Coffee-house, and spent the evening at Covent-Garden +Theatre, much to their satisfaction, though not without many +anticipations as to the result of their friend's interference between +the two hot-headed duellists. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + + “The music, and the wine, + The garlands, the rose odours, and the flowers, + The sparkling eyes, and flashing ornaments, + The white arms, and the raven hair--the braids + And bracelets--swan-like bosoms, and the necklace, + An India in itself, yet dazzling not the eye + Like what it circled. + + All the delusions of the gaudy scene, + Its false and true enchantments--all which + Swam before the giddy eyes.” + +~~403~~~ +Dashall being wholly occupied by the unexpected affair noticed in our +last Chapter, had left his Cousin and friends to amuse themselves in +the best way they could, prior to the completion of the necessary +arrangements for quitting the metropolis. The party were undecided upon +what object to fix their choice, or how to bend their course; and +while warmly discussing the subject, were suddenly interrupted by the +appearance of Gayfield, who learning that Dashall was from home, and +upon what occasion, broke out with his usual volubility. + +“Well, these affairs of honor certainly are imperious, and no doubt +ought to take precedence of every thing else. My object in calling was +chiefly to give him a description of the Countess of ------'s rout on +Saturday last, in Berkeley-square, where I intimated I should be, when +I last fell in with him. '_Oh Ciélo Empireo_.' I'm enchanted yet, +positively enchanted! I ought to have Petrarch's pen to describe such +a scene and such dresses. Then should a robe of Tulle vie with that of +Laura at the church door--that dress of '_Vert parsemée de violets_.' +But softly, let us begin with the beginning, _Bélier mon ami_. What a +galaxy of all the stars of fashion! It was a paradise of loveliness, fit +for Mahomet. All the beauties of the Georgian Æra were present. Those +real graces, their Graces of A------ and R------ were among the number. + +~~404~~~ The Countess of L------ and Lady F------ O------ would make one +cry heresy when the poets limit us to a single Venus. And then the Lady +P------'s. Heaven keep us heart-whole when such stars rain their soft +influence upon us. As to the Countess of B------, with her diamond +tiara, and eyes brighter than her diamonds, she looked so goddess-like, +that I was tempted to turn heathenish and worship. Indeed, that bright +eyes should exert their brilliancy amid the dazzling brightness of our +fair and elegant hostess's rooms, is no trifle. Dancing commenced at +eleven; and, although my vanity allured me to think that the favorable +glances of more than one would-be partner were directed towards me, +I felt no inclination to sport a toe in the absence of Lady L. M. +By-the-by, Count C------ told me, with a profusion of foreign compliment, +that I and the 'observed of all observers,' Lord E------h, were the best +drest male personages at the rout. + +Thanks to the magical operation of the Schneider, who makes or mars a +man. + +“The _coup d'oil_ of the scene was charming. _Cétoit un +vrai délice_--that atmosphere of light, of fragrance, and of +music--gratifying all the senses at once. Oh! what bosoms, arms, and +necks were thronging round me! Phidias, had he attempted to copy them, +would have forgotten his work to gaze and admire. Description fails in +picturing the _tout ensemble_,--the dazzling chandeliers blazing +like constellations--the richly draperied _meubles_--the magnificent +dresses--and then so many eyes, like stars glittering round one; like +'Heaven,' as Ossian says, 'beaming with all its fires.' + +“In the midst of my admiration, I was accosted by Caustic, and expressed +my surprise at finding him in such a scene--'A rout,' he replied, 'is +just one of those singular incoherences which supply me with laughter +for a month. Was there ever such a tissue of inconsistencies assembled +as in these pleasure hunts? On stepping from your carriage, you run the +gauntlet through two lines of quizzing spectators, who make great eyes, +as the French term it, at you, and some of whom look as if they took a +fancy to your knee buckles. A double row of gaudy footmen receive you in +the blazing hall, and make your name echo up the stairs, as you ascend, +in a voice of thunder. Your _tête s'exalte_, and when you expect to be +ushered into the Temple of Fame, you find yourself embedded (pardon the +metaphor) in a _parterre_ of female beauty.' + +~~405~~~ “As for me,” I replied, interrupting the satirist, “I delight +in such things. I believe that fashion, like kings, can do no wrong.” + +“And so you would rather have your ribs beat in, than your name left +out. But look round you, in God's name! what is the whole scene but & +fashionable mob met together to tread on each other's heels and tear +each other's dresses? Positively, you cannot approach the mistress of +the mansion to pay those common courtesies which politeness in all other +cases exacts. And how so many delicate young creatures can bear a heat, +pressure and fatigue, which would try the constitution of a porter, is +_incroyable_. Talk of levelling! This 'is the chosen seat of _égalité_.' +All distinctions of age, grace, rank, accomplishment, and wit, are lost +in the midst of a constantly accumulating crowd. What nerves but those +of pride and vanity, can bear the heat, the blaze of light, the buzz of +voices above, and the roar of announcements from below?” + +“While Caustic was speaking, his reasoning received a curious and +apposite illustration. Three or four ladies near us began fainting, or +affected to faint, and hartshorn and gentlemen's arms were in general +requisition. Notwithstanding his acerbity, Caustic, like a preux +chevalier, pressed forward to offer his aid where the pressure was most +oppressive, and where the fainting ladies were dropping by dozens, like +ripe fruit in autumn. As for myself, I was just in time to receive in +my arms a beautiful girl who was on the point of sinking, and, being +provided with hartshorn, my assistance was so effectual, with the aid of +a neighbouring window, that I had the satisfaction of restoring her in +a few minutes to her friends, who did all they could, by crowding round +her with ill-timed condolements, to prevent her recovery. By this time +the rest of the ladies took warning from these little misadventures to +retire. Caustic, in his sardonic way, would insist upon it, that they +retired to avoid that exposure of defects in beauty, which the first +ray of morning produces. I took my _congé_ among the rest, and found +the hubbub which attended my entrance, increased to a tenfold degree +of violence at my exit; for the uproar of calling 'My Lord This's +carriage,' and 'My Lady That's chair,' was nothing in comparison to +the noise produced ~~406~~~ by servants quarrelling, police officers +remonstrating, carriages cracking, and linkboys hallooing. Some of the +mob had, it appeared, made an irruption into the hall, to steal what +great-coats, cocked hats, or pelisses they could make free with. This +was warmly protested against by the footmen and the police, and a +regular set-to was the consequence. Through this 'confusion worse +confounded' I with difficulty made my way to the carriage, and was not +sorry, as the slang phrase is, to make myself scarce.” + +The party could not feel otherwise than amused by Gayfield's description +of the rout; and the conversation taking a turn on similar subjects, +Sparkle, ever ambitious of displaying his talent for descriptive humour, +gave the following sketch of a fashionable dinner party:-- + +“I went with Colonel A------, by invitation, to dine with Lord F., +in Portman Square. Lord F. is a complete gentleman; and, though sadly +inconvenienced by the gout, received me with that frank, cordial, +and well-bred ease which always characterizes the better class of the +English nobility. The company consisted of two or three men of political +eminence; Lord Wetherwool, a great agriculturist; Viscount Flash, an +amateur of the Fancy; Lord Skimcream, an ex-amateur director of a winter +theatre; Lord Flute, an amateur director of the Opera, whose family +motto, by a lucky coincidence, is '_Opera non Verba_.' There were, +moreover, Mr. Highsole, a great tragedian, and my friend Tom Sapphic, +the dandy poet; one of those bores, the 'Lions' of the season. He had +just brought out a new tragedy, called the 'Bedlamite in Buff,' under +the auspices of Lord Skimcream; and it had been received, as +the play-bills announced, with 'unprecedented, overwhelming, and +electrifying applause.' Of course I concluded that it would live two +nights, and accounted for the dignified _hauteur_ of my friend Tom's +bow, as he caught my eye, by taking into consideration the above-named +unprecedented success. There was also present the universal genius, Dr. +Project, to whom I once introduced you. He is a great chymist, and +a still greater _gourmand_; moreover, a musician; has a hand in the +leading reviews; a share in the most prominent of the daily papers. +“Little was said till the wine and desert were introduced; and then the +conversation, as might naturally be expected from the elements of which +the party was composed, split itself into several subdivisions. As I +sat ~~407~~~ next to Colonel A., I had the advantage of his greater +familiarity with the personages at table. Lord Wetherwool was as absurd +as he could possibly be on the subject of fattening oxen. Lord Flute and +Viscount Flash laid bets on the celerity of two maggots, which they had +set at liberty from their respective nut-shells. The noble ex-director, +Highsole and Sapphic, were extremely warm in discussing the causes of +the present degradation of the stage; each shuffling the responsibility +from the members of their own profession and themselves. Dr. Project +entertained his noble host with an interminable dissertation upon +oxygen, hydrogen, and all the _gens_ in the chemical vocabulary; for +patience in enduring which his Lordship was greatly indebted to his +preparatory fit of the gout. Meanwhile, the lordling exquisites only +fired off a few 'lady terms,' like minute guns and 'angel visits,' with +long intervals between, filling up the aforesaid intervals by sipping +Champagne and eating _bonbons_. The essence of what they said, amounted +to mutual wonder at the d------d run of luck last night, in King-street; +or mutual felicitation on the new faces which had appeared that day, for +the first time, among the old standing beauties who charm Bond-street, +at lounge hours, either in curricle or on foot. For my part, I was +attracted towards the discussion of the dramatic trio, not because I +affect, as the cant of the day is, to have a particular attrait towards +the _belles lettres_, but merely because the more plebeian disputants +were vociferous, (a thing not often observed among fashionables) and +_outré_ in their gesticulations, even to caricature. 'What do you think +of their arguments?' I inquired, _sotte voce_, of Colonel A. 'If we are +to be decided by their conjoint statements, no one is to blame for the +degradation of the stage.' + +“'They are all in the right,' returned he, '(excuse the paradox,) +because they are all in the wrong. There is a rottenness in the whole +theatrical system, which, unless it terminate, like manure thrown at +the root of trees, in some new fructification of genius, will end by +rendering the national theatres national nuisances. With reference to +the interests of literature, they are a complete hoax. To please the +manager, the object which the writer must have in view, he must not +paint nature or portray character, but write up, as the cant phrase +is, to the particular forte of Mr. So and So, or Miss Such-a-one. The +consequence is, that the public get only one species of fare, and that +is pork, varied indeed, as broiled, baked, roasted, and boiled; but +still pork, nothing but pork.' + +~~408~~~ “'But surely,' I rejoined, 'Mr. Sapphic and Mr. Highsole +are gentlemen of high acquirements, independently of their several +professions, or a nobleman of Lord F------'s taste and discrimination--' + +“'There you are falling into an error,' returned the colonel, +interrupting me; 'it is the fashion to introduce actors at the tables of +our great men; but, in my opinion, it is a 'custom more honored in the +breach than the observance.' I have known several good actors on the +stage, very indifferent actors in society, and large characters in the +play-bills, as well as loud thunders from the gods, may be earned by +very stupid, very vulgar, and very ill-bred companions. The same may +be said of poets. We are poor creatures at best, and the giant of +a reviewer very often cuts but a very sorry figure when left to the +ricketty stilts of his own unsupported judgment in a drawing-room. You +are tolerably familiar with our political parties; but you are yet to +be acquainted with our literary squads, which are the most bigotted, +selfish, exclusive, arrogant, little knots of little people it is +possible to conceive.' + +“By the time that Colonel A------had ended his short initiation into +these various arcana, the company broke up; the doctor to give a lecture +on egg-shells at the Committee of Taste; Lord Flute to visit the Opera; +Lord Skimcream to the Green Boom; Lord Flash to 'Fives Court,' to see a +set-to by candle-light; the exquisites to Bouge et Noir or Almack's; +and Lord Wetherwool to vote on an agricultural question, without +understanding a syllable of its merits. + +“Nevertheless,” I soliloquized as I rode home, “his Lordship will +be surprised and gratified, I dare say, to find himself a perfect +Demosthenes in the newspaper reports of to-morrow morning. Hems, coughs, +stammerings, blowing of the nose, and ten-minute lapses of memory, +all vanish in passing through the sieves and bolters of a report. What +magicians the reporters are! What talents, what powers of language they +profusely and gratuitously bestow! Somnus protect me from hearing any +but some half dozen orators in both houses! The reader, who peruses the +report, has only the flour of the orator's efforts provided for him. +But Lord help the unfortunate patient in the gallery, who, hopeless +of getting through the dense mass which occupy the seats round him, is +condemned to sit with an 'aching head,' and be well nigh choaked with +the husks and the bran.” + +~~409~~~ Our party felt so much amused by these lively and +characteristic pictures of real life among the Corinthians of the +Metropolis, that all thoughts of seeking amusement out of doors appeared +for the present relinquished; and Sparkle, to keep the subject alive, +resumed as follows. + +“In order to give some shade and variety to this sketch of society +in the west, we will now, if agreeable, travel eastward as far as the +entrance to the City, where I will introduce you, in fancy, to what must +(at least to our friend Tallyho) afford both novelty and surprise. + +“Some time ago, and before I was quite so well versed in the knowledge +of Life in London as at present, through the medium of one of the 'young +men of genius about town,' I became a member of a new philosophical +society called the Socratics, held at a certain house near Temple Bar. +Having been plucked by several kind friends, till I resembled the 'man +of Diogenes,' I concluded that here, at least, my pockets might be +tolerably safe from the diving of a friendly hand. Philosophers, I was +told by my friend the introducer, had souls above money; their thoughts +were too sublime and contemplative for such worldly-minded concerns. +I should have a great deal of instruction for little or nothing; I had +only to pay my two guineas per annum, and the business was done; the +gate of science was open, and nothing farther was requisite than to push +forward and imitate Socrates. But how strangely do our anticipations +mislead our sober judgments! + + 'Jove breaks the tallest stilts of human trust, + And levels those who use them with the dust.' + +“The proprietor of the institution was rather courtier-like in +making promises, which the managers of course considered as much too +common-place and mechanical to be kept. It professed to exclude politics +and religion from the touch of its scientific paws; in other words, from +its discussions; but, alas! + + 'It kept the word of promise to the ear + And broke it to the hope.' + +~~410~~~ “The only subjects which it did not exclude were politics +and religion. Neither could it be said that either of these subjects +received more benefit from the way in which they were handled, than +a white dress would from the handling of a chimney-sweeper, the first +being made as black as possible in the form of Tom-Payneism, and the +latter served up in the improved shape of Hartleyism or Atheism. Under +such instruction it was scarcely possible but that I should, in process +of time, become qualified, not only for a philosopher, but a legislator +of the first water; and I had serious thoughts of offering my services, +for the purpose of drawing up a code of laws, to the Otaheitans or the +Calmucks. If I had gone on improving as I did, I might, perhaps, have +carried out to some Backwood settlement or Atlantic island, as pretty a +Utopian prescription, under the designation of a constitution, as could +well be desired in the most philosophical community. But one of those +sad trifles which suffocate great ideas, and sometimes terminate in +suffocating philosophers, put a stop to my further enlightenment for the +present, by drying up the treasury of the Socratics. The philosophers +were the most civil as well as the most unfortunate people in the world. +One or other of them was always in want of money, either to perfect +some great scheme, or to save him from the unscientific 'handling' of a +bailiff. It was enough to move a mile-stone, to think how the progress +of improvement, or 'march of mind,' as it is called, might be delayed by +being too cold-hearted; and it did move my purse to such a degree, that +at length I had the satisfaction of discerning truth, sitting sola, at +the bottom of it. My pocket consumption, however, was not instant, but +progressive; it might be called a slow fever. Some of the philosophers +visited me for a loan, like a monthly epidemy; others drained me like +a Tertian; and one or two came upon me like an intermittent ague, +every other day. Among these was Mr. Hoaxwell, the editor, as he called +himself, of a magazine. This fellow had tried a number of schemes in +the literary line, though none had hitherto answered. But he had the +advantage and credit of shewing in his own person, the high repute in +which literature is held in London, for he could seldom walk the streets +without having two followers at his heels, one of whom frequently tapped +him on the shoulder, no doubt, to remind him of mortality, like the +slave in the ~~411~~~ Roman triumphs. The favourite thesis of this +gentleman, was the 'march of mind;' and on this subject he would spout +his half hour in so effectual a manner, as to produce two very opposite +effects; viz. the closing of the eyes of the elder philosophers, and +the opening of mine, which latter operation was usually rendered more +effectual by his concluding inquiry of 'have you such a thing as a pound +note about you?' + + To match this saint, there was another, + As busy and perverse a brother. + +“This was the treasurer of the Socratics, Thomas Carney Littlego, Esq. +and a treasure of a treasurer he was. This gentleman was a pupil of +Esculapius, and united in his own person the various departments of +dentist, apothecary, and surgeon. It is presumed that he found the +employment of drawing the eye teeth of Philosophical Tyros more +profitable, and bleeding the young Socratics more advantageous, than +physicking his patients. In his lectures he advocated the system of +research, and admired deduction; and this I, among many others, had +reason, at last, to know. It was very odd, but so it was, that some two +or three hundred per annum, subscribed by the members of the society, +vanished into the worthy treasurer's pocket, as it were a Moskoestron, +and then disappeared for ever. + +“Another of the Socratics was called Epictetus Moonshine, Esquire. This +gentleman was a tall spider-like man, with lantern jaws, hatchet face, +and a mouth--the chief characteristic of which was, that it made a +diagonal line from the bottom of the face to the eyebrow. He was a +great speculator, and had taken it into his head, that beyond the +blue mountains in New South Wales, was the real El Dorado. But as he +possessed, according to the usual phrase, more wit than money, and no +one will discount a check from the aforesaid wit on change, the zeal +of Epictetus Moonshine, some time after the breaking up of the Socratic +institution for benefitting the human race, so much got the better of +self-love, that he committed several petty larcenies in hopes of being +transported thither; but whether his courage or his luck failed him, +certain it is that he never reached the proper degree of criminality, +and only succeeded in visiting by turns the various penitentiaries in +London and its vicinity. + +~~412~~~ “'You mistake greatly, Sir,' said he, to one of the visiting +governors of Bridewell, who condoled with a man of his talents in such a +position, 'if you think a residence in this sequestered haunt a subject +of regret. The mind, as Milton says, is its own seat, and able of itself +to make-- + + 'A heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.' + +And now I am on the subject of stoicism, permit me to shew you a picture +which I have just chalked out, wherein I prove that there is no such +thing as pain in the world. That all which we now feel is imagination; +that the idea of body is deception. I have had it printed, --written in +fourteen languages, and presented to all the sovereigns of Europe, with +a new code of laws annexed to it. I'll bring it in a minute, if you'll +excuse me.' So saying, the pupil of Zeno disappeared, wrapping his +blanket round him; but other speculations of 'matters high' no doubt +attracted him from the remembrance of his promise, (just as he forgot to +pay some score pounds he borrowed of me) for the visitor saw no more of +him. + +“The mention of El Dorado brings to my recollection another member, Mr. +Goosequill, who came to town with half-a-crown in his pocket, and his +tragedy called the 'Mines of Peru,' by which he of course expected to +make his fortune. For five years he danced attendance on the manager, +in order to hear tidings of its being 'cast,' and four more in trying to +get it back again. During the process he was groaned, laughed, whistled, +and nearly kicked out of the secretary's room, who swore (which he well +might do, considering the exhausted treasury of the concern) that he +knew nothing about nor ever heard of the 'Mines of Peru.' At last Mr. +Goosequill, being shewn into the manager's kitchen, to wait till he was +at leisure, had the singular pleasure of seeing two acts of the 'Mines +of Peru,' daintily fastened round a savory capon on the spit, to +preserve it from the scorching influence of the fire. + +“This was foul treatment, I observed, as he concluded his tale, and I +ventured to ask how he had subsisted in the meanwhile? 'Why,' said he, +'I first made an agreement with a printer of ballads, in Seven Dials, +who finding my inclinations led to poetry, expressed his satisfaction, +telling me that one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined +in Bedlam; and another was become dozed with ~~413~~~ drinking drams. +An agreement was made,' continued he, 'and I think I earned five-pence +halfpenny per week as my share of this speculation with the muses. +But as my profits were not always certain, I had often the pleasure of +supping with Duke Humphrey, and for this reason I turned my thoughts to +prose; and in this walk I was eminently successful, for during a week of +gloomy weather, I published an apparition, on the substance of which I +subsisted very comfortably for a month. I have often made a good meal +upon a monster. A rape has frequently afforded me great satisfaction, +but a murder well-timed was a never-failing resource.' + +“But to return to the catastrophe of the Socratics: “By the time that +the philosophical experiments in 'diving without hydraulics' had cleaned +me entirely out, it was suggested that any thing in the shape of a loan +would be desirable; they were not nice--not they; a pair of globes; a +set of catoptric instruments; an electrical apparatus; a few antique +busts; or a collection of books for the library;--any old rum, as +Jack.'said, would do; and all and every of the before-mentioned loans +would be most punctually taken care of. And truly enough they were, for +the lender was never destined to cast an eye on any portion of the loan +again. I was, indeed, so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of my globes +and instruments at a pawnbroker's, and the fragments of my library at +sundry book-stalls. It was now high time to cut the connection, for the +Socratics were rapidly withdrawing. The association, for want of the +true golden astringent, like a dumpling without its suet, or a cheap +baker's quartern loaf without its 'doctor,' (i.e. alum), was falling to +pieces. The worthy treasurer had retired, seizing on such articles as +were most within reach; and when I called upon him with my resignation, +I had the pleasure of seeing my own busts handsomely lining the walls of +the toothdrawer's passage. I waited on the Socratics for the Bums they +had been so polite as to borrow.--One, to shew that he had profited by +studying Socrates, threatened to accuse me and the society of a plot to +overturn the government, if a syllable more on so low a subject as money +was mentioned. Another told me that he was just going on a visit to +Abbot's Park for three months, and should be glad to see me when he came +back. A third, an unwashed artificer,' was so kind as to inform me that +~~414~~~ he 'had just got white-washed, and he did not care one straw +for my black looks.' And a fourth, an index-maker, when presented +with his acceptance, kindly indicated that he had not the slightest +recollection of the thing, and that, if I persisted in compelling +payment, he would bring a philosophical gentleman from Cold Bath +Fields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear that it was not his +hand-writing. + +“The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce, +there was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantly +laying a horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them reminded +me of the proverb--'Sue a beggar,' &c. To crack a _baculine_ joke over +their sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosophers +were not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march of +mind,' and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat and +the mud from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch,' says Solomon, 'shall +he not be denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained in +quiet possession of the busts--the book-stall displayed the properly +appreciated volumes--and the Socratic borrowers took all the care in the +world of 'value received.'” + +Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amusements +out of doors, was passed in animated and amusing conversation over the +hospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit and +humour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy god. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + + In London, blest with competence. + With temper, health, and common sense, + None need repine or murmur--nay, + All may be happy in their way. + E'en the lone dwelling of the poor + And suffering, are at least obscure; + And in obscurity--exempt + From poverty's worst scourge--contempt. + Unmark'd the poor man seeks his den. + Unheeded issues forth again; + Wherefore appears he, none inquires, + Nor why--nor whither he retires. + All that his pride would fain conceal, + All that shame blushes to reveal; + The petty shifts, the grovelling cares, + To which the sous of want are heirs; + Those evils, grievous to be borne, + Call forth--not sympathy, but scorn; + Here hidden--elude the searching eye + Of callous curiosity. + +~~415~~~ +The following morning was one of unusual bustle, activity, and anxiety, +the originally intended movements of the party being thus unexpectedly +interrupted. Dashall had arisen before his usual hour, and departed from +home before the appearance of Sparkle and Bob to breakfast: it was, of +course, supposed that the promised duel would have decided the fate of +one of the antagonists before they should see him again. + +In this conjecture, however, they were pleasingly disappointed by his +arrival about half past eleven o'clock. + +“Well,” said Sparkle, “it is all over--who has fallen--which is the +man--how many shots--what distance--who was the other second--and where +is the wounded hero?” + +“Nay,” said Tom, “you are before-hand with me; I have none of the +intelligence you require.--I have been in search of Lord Bluster, +who left town this very morning, three hours before my arrival, for +Edinburgh; and consesequently, I suppose, either has no intimation of +Laconic's intention to seek, or if he has--is determined to be out of +the way of receiving a regular challenge; so that, in all probability, +it will end, like many other duels, in smoke.” + +~~416~~~ “Notwithstanding your friend's letter was so full of fire,” + observed Tallyho. + +“But perhaps he became more cool over a bottle of claret--toe to toe, my +boy,” continued Sparkle. + +This conversation was interrupted by a letter, which being delivered +to Tom, he read aloud, interrupted only by laughter, which he could not +restrain. + +“Dear Tom, “Don't like fighting in England--am off directly for +Cork.--Tell Bluster I'll wait there till he comes--but if he values +his life, not to come at all.---Please do the needful in despatching my +servants, &c. within two days, for I am in such a passion I can't wait a +moment.--So adieu. + +“Yours, sincerely, Laconic.” + +“Excellent, upon my word,” said Sparkle; “here are two men of honour +determined upon meeting, running away from each other even before the +preliminaries are arranged.” + +“There is novelty in it at least,” said Tom, “though I am by no means +astonished at the end of it; for I before observed, I do not think +either of them over fond of powder. Laconic pretended that nothing would +satisfy him but fighting immediately, provided Bluster was to be found: +any person to whom bis character was not known would have expected +some spilling of blood before this time. But it is now plain that this +blustering was the effect of the wine, and the man's cooler judgment has +extinguished the flame of his irritability.” + +“I think,” said Tallyho, “it would be well to advise them to meet +half-seas over, and draw a cork together by way of settling their +differences.” + +“Curse their differences,” replied Dashall, “I'll have nothing more to +do with them: upon the whole, I am glad now that I could not meet with +Bluster, or I should have looked like a fool between the two; and as it +is, I am not much pleased with the adventure, particularly as it must +necessarily delay me, and I hate the idea of travelling alone. I should +very much have liked to start with you; but as Laconic has made me fully +acquainted with his affairs, in case he should fall in the intended +duel, I must even comply with the contents of his note; though, if he +had not actually departed, you may rest assured I would have nothing to +do with him or his concerns.” + +~~417~~~ “Come, come,” cried Sparkle, “grumbling is of no use now; and +as the circumstances are not made public, the duellists will escape +being laughed at. There is no harm done--we must be upon the alert--we +shortly bid adieu to London, and shall not be so well pleased to +leave you behind; but remember you promise to follow as quickly as +possible.--Now, how shall we dispose of the remainder of the time?” + +“Zounds,” replied Tom, “all my plans are deranged by this foolish affair +of Laconic's, and I can hardly tell which way to move.--However, I shall +not devote myself to his affairs to-day; therefore I am at your service; +and as time is but short with us, let us make good use of it. The +tragedy of the duel having ended most comically, I am prepared for any +thing farcical; therefore say the word, and I am your man for a toddle, +east, west, north, or south.” + +Upon this intimation, our friends sallied forth upon a sort of Quixotic +excursion in search of adventures, for neither could make up his mind +as to the precise place of their destination, when the first object that +attracted their particular notice was a large printed bill, announcing +to the public, “That the sale at Fonthill Abbey, advertised for the 8th +of October, would not take place, in consequence of the property being +disposed of by private contract.”{1} + + 1 The following appeared in the daily prints relating to + this valuable property:-- + + “FONTHILL ABBEY. “The sale at this splendid mansion is not + to take place, the estate having been sold by private + contract; the purchaser is said to be Mr. Farquhar, a rich + East India merchant, who is reported to have given 330,000L. + for the property. It is stated that every article in the + Abbey goes with it, with the exception of the family plate + and pictures, and a very few favourite rarities. Possession + is to be taken immediately. The sale of the whole estate is + an event for which the people of the place seem to have been + totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the + beginning, that nothing was to be sold but the mere luxuries + of the place; but as to the Abbey, they universally + asserted, in the strongest manner, as if they had good + reason to be convinced of the thing, that Mr. Beck-ford + would as soon part with his life as with a residence which + he prized so dearly. Now, however, that they have heard from + the steward, that the estate has been sold, and that he has + received notice to quit his office in a fortnight, they + begin to feel that they have lost an excellent landlord. Mr. + Beckford has taken a house in town, in the New Road, where + he means chiefly to reside in future. Every body is aware + that the chief part of that princely income, which enabled + him to raise this expensive edifice from the foundation, was + derived from his paternal estates in the West Indies. Such + was the wealth which those estates at one time pro-duced, + that it obtained for his grandfather the distinction of + being considered the richest subject in Europe. For the last + ten years they have declined very materially, and several of + them have been entirely lost through a defect that has been + discovered in the title. The original purchaser obtained + these in the way of mort-gage, and having foreclosed them in + an untechnical manner, advantage has been taken of the + informality by the heirs of the mortgagors, and Mr. Beckford + has been dispossessed. The defence of his title, and the + other consequences, involved him in losses and vast + expenses; besides which, the revenue from his unquestionable + estates in those islands has declined to less than one-tenth + of what it formerly was. Mr. Farquhar, the gentleman who is + reported to have purchased Fouthill Abbey, is the principal + partner and proprietor of Whitbread's brew-house, and is + likewise at the head of the first mercantile house in the + City, for the management of all agency concerns, connected + with India.” + +~~418~~~ “Thousands of people,” says Dashall, “who had been flocking to +that neighbourhood, intending to obtain a view of the premises, will, by +this event, be disappointed. Several of my friends have paid a visit to +it, and describe it as a most princely mansion.” + +“And pray,” inquired Sparkle, “what is the cause of its being sold at +all 1 It has always been reported that Mr. Beckford was a man of very +extensive property.” + +“That appears to be a little mysterious, and report, who is always a +busy fellow on extraordinary occasions, has not been idle: by some it is +stated, that Mr. Beckford suffered great and irreparable losses in his +West India property, and that there are in the Abbey at this moment +executions to the amount of eighty thousand pounds; that the view of the +effects has taken place entirely under the control of the sheriffs: by +others it is asserted that no such embarrassment exists. However, be +that as it may, the public have been highly gratified for some time past +in being permitted to view the estate and the valuable curiosities it +contains; and the produce of the admission tickets, which has probably +netted twenty thousand pounds, goes to the liquidation of the debts.” + +~~419~~~ “And an excellent plan for raising the wind too,” said Tallyho; +“the example, I suppose, has been taken from Wanstead House.” + +“Most likely,” was the reply; “but if it is true that the disposal of +the property is occasioned by the embarrassment of its owner, it cannot +but excite painful and melancholy reflections on the tenure by which +men hold the goods of this life. Those who were acquainted with Mr. +Beckford's circumstances some years ago, thought him so secured in the +enjoyment of a princely income, that he was absolutely out of the reach +of ill fortune, being at one time in the actual receipt of one hundred +thousand pounds a year. It cannot be said of him that he has wasted his +inheritance at the gaming-table. The palace which he raised on a barren +mountain, the greater part of those vast plantations which surround it, +the collection of books, and of rare specimens of art, and the superb +furniture, which gives such peculiar dignity and splendour to the +interior of his residence, speak at once the immensity of his means, and +attest the propriety and gracefulness of their application.” + +“We ought to have taken a trip there to have seen this earthly +paradise,” rejoined Tallyho; “but now I suppose it is all over.” + +“Certainly,” was the reply; “and it is a circumstance for which the +people in the neighbourhood appear to have been totally unprepared. They +were led to believe, from the beginning, that the mere luxuries of +the place were to be sold, and the public announcement of this had the +effect of filling the county of Wilts with pleasure-hunters from all +quarters. He was fortunate who, for some time past, could find a +vacant chair within twenty miles of Fonthill: the solitude of a private +apartment was a luxury which few could hope for; and an old friend +of mine informs me, in one of his letters, that, coming from London, +travellers first met their troubles about Salisbury, The languages of +France, of Holland, and of Germany, the peculiarities (in tongue) of +Scotland and Ireland, the broad dialect of Somersetshire, the tinckling +accent of Wales, and the more polished tones of metropolitan residents, +were all, at the same moment, to be heard clashing and contending. There +were bells ringing, and chamber-maids screaming--horses prancing, and +post-boys swearing--wheels clattering, and waiters jostling--guests +threatening, and hubbub and confusion the orders of the day:--and all +this to see something which half of them, when they got there, if they +were so fortunate, could not obtain a sight of. So that, perhaps, we +have been quite as well off in remaining at home.” + +~~420~~~ “That was spoken like a philosopher,” said Sparkle, +dryly.--“But pray, who is to be the future possessor of this fine +estate?” + +“A Mr. Farquhar, who, according to the best information I have obtained, +is a man of an extraordinary character, and has given 330,000L. for it +as it stands, with every article in the Abbey except the family plate +and pictures, and a few very favourite rarities. Some interesting +particulars of the purchaser have recently been made known; from which +it appears, that he is a native of Aberdeen, and went out early in life +to India, where he was employed in the medical department. Chemical +research was his favourite pursuit: there was some defect in the manner +of manufacturing gunpowder, and Mr. Farquhar was selected to give his +assistance. By degrees, he obtained the management of the concern, and +finally he became the sole contractor to the government. In this way +wealth and distinction rapidly poured in upon him. After some years of +labour, he returned to England with half a million of money; and it is +somewhat curious that a man possessed of so much money upon his arrival +at Gravesend, should, merely to save the expense of coach-hire, walk up +to London; which, however, it appears he did, when his first visit, +very naturally, was to his banker. Without waiting for refreshment or +alteration of attire, full of dust and dirt, with clothes not worth a +guinea, he presented himself at the counter, and asked for Mr. Coutts. +The clerks, not much prepossessed in his favour by his appearance, +disregarded his application; and he was suffered to remain in the +cash-office under the idea of his being some poor petitioner, until Mr. +Coutts, passing through it, recognized his Indian customer, the man whom +he expected to see with all the pomp of a nabob. Mr. Farquhar requested +to have five pounds; which having received, he took his departure. This +anecdote strongly marks the character and habits of the man. He soon +afterwards settled in Upper Baker-street, where his house was to be +distinguished by its dingy appearance, uncleaned windows, and general +neglect. An old woman was his sole attendant; and his apartment, to +which a brush or broom was never applied, was kept sacred from her care. +His neighbours were not acquainted with his character; and there have +been instances of some of them offering him money as an object of +charity.” + +~~421~~~ “An admirable tenant for such a place as Fonthill, truly,” + observed Sparkle.--“Why, what the devil will he do with it now he has +got it?” + +“Perhaps,” said Dashall, “I ought to refer you to the man himself for +an answer to such a question, for I am at a loss to guess; he is now +sixty-five years of age, and still in single blessedness.” + +“A very enviable situation,” remarked Sparkle, “However,” continued Tom, +“he has done some good in the world, and may live to do more. He became +a partner in the great agency house in the City, of Basset, Farquhar, +and Co.; besides which, he purchased the late Mr. Whitbread's share in +the brewery. Part of his great wealth was devoted to the purchase of +estates; but the great bulk was invested in stock, and suffered to +increase on compound interest. He is deeply read in ancient and modern +literature, and has a mind of extraordinary vigour and originality; +his conversation of a superior order, impressive and animated on every +subject. His sentiments are liberal, and strangely contrasted with his +habits. His religious opinions are peculiar, and seem to be influenced +by an admiration of the purity of the lives and moral principles of the +Brahmins. It is said that he offered 100,000L. to found a college in +Aberdeen, with a reservation on points of religion; to which, however, +the sanction of the legislature could not be procured, and the plan +was dropped. He has been residing in Gloucester-place, where he +has furnished a house in a style of modern elegance, and, so far +as appearances are concerned, indulges in several luxuries; but his +domestic habits are still the same, and his table seldom labours with +the pressure of heavy dishes. He has one nephew, to whom he allows, or +did allow, 300L. per year; has but few other claims of family; and it +is probable that his immense wealth will be bequeathed to charitable +purposes, as the great object of his ambition is to leave his name to +posterity as the founder of some public institution. To that passion +may, perhaps, be attributed the purchase of Fonthill Abbey; for his age +and infirmities totally unfit him for the enjoyment of such ~~422~~~ +a place. He is diminutive in person, and by no means prepossessing in +appearance; his dress has all the qualities of the antique to recommend +it; and his domestic expenditure, until the last year, has not exceeded +200L. per annum, although his possessions, money in the funds, and +capital in trade, are said to amount to a million and a half!” + +“Why, he is an oddity indeed,” exclaimed Tallyho, “and I think he ought +to be exhibited as the eighth wonder of the world.” + +“Certainly we cannot look upon the like every day: there are instances, +it is said, of his having returned letters merely because the postage +was not paid, although he has, on more than one or two occasions, given +away, at once, for praise-worthy purposes, ten and twenty thousand +pounds.” + +“Then,” rejoined Sparkle, “he is a trump, and deserves to be +respected:--but where are we bound to?” + +“Nay,” replied Tom, “I have no choice upon the subject.” + +“Nor I neither,” said Gayfield, stepping smartly up to him, and catching +him by the hand--“so come along--I'll guide you to good quarters and +comfortable accommodation.--Dine with me, and we will have a cut in at +whist.--What say you?” + +This proposition was acceded to, and away they went to Gayfield's +apartments, where a very hospitable and friendly entertainment was +presented to them with every mark of a hearty welcome. In the evening, +the glass circulated freely, and cards being introduced, they enjoyed an +agreeable and pleasant game, at which nothing particular occurred; after +which they jumped into a rattler, and were conveyed home, very well +satisfied with every attention they had received from Gayfield, except +the eternal rattle of his tongue. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + + “The proper study of mankind in food.” + +~~423~~~ +Next morning, while our party were at breakfast, who should make his +appearance but Gayfield, whose elasticity of spirits, and volubility of +tongue, appeared, if possible, to have acquired an additional impulse of +action. + +“My dear fellow,” he commenced, addressing Bob, “as you are so soon +about to leave us, I feel anxious you should carry with you all the +information possible on that interesting subject, Life in London. Long +as your stay in the Metropolis has been, still, where the subjects +are so varying--so ever varying--so multifarious--and the field for +observation so unlimited, it is impossible but that something must have +escaped your notice. + +“I have been scribbling to a friend in the country, whom I occasionally +endeavour to amuse with “Sketches of Scenes in London;” and, as I +flatter myself, it exhibits something of novelty both in character, +situation, and incident, you shall hear it.” + +“Dear Dick--I told you that I was about to have the honour of being +introduced to tin; celebrated Dr. Kitchen. 'He was a man, take him for +all in all, I ne'er shall look upon his like again.' It was evidently +one of 'Nature's worst journeymen' that made him; for he has not a limb +which appears to appertain to his body; they look precisely as if they +were purchased at an auction. This little man, who seems born to be +'girded at' by jokers of all classes, sharing the prevalent rage for +notoriety, has written two works, one in the character of a _gourmand_, +and the other of a musician. But not content with the fame he has thus +acquired, he has persuaded himself that he is an excellent singer. Nay, +it was given out lately, by his own concurrence, that he intended to +sing at a concert at the Argyle Rooms; and although he has no more voice +than a ~~424~~~ cat, he was under the full impression that his Majesty, +at the conclusion of the last court-day, intended to call upon him for +a song. The Doctor asked me and Caustic to one of his literary dinners; +and as T have supplied you with a sketch of a cook-shop _gourmand_, I +make no apology for shewing up a more elevated class of _gastronomes_, +by reporting the Doctor's speech on this occasion.-- + +“'On entering the world, the acuteness of my palate and vigour of +digestion disposed me to conceive that I should excel in the fraternal +sciences of eating and drinking; and I entertained no doubt but my vapid +organs would be considerably improved by frequent exercise. Taste +has various departments--painting, architecture, sculpture, &c.; but +impressed with the conviction that my only office in this world was to +invent new dishes and devour them, I collected all the culinary writers +from Caxton to Mons. Ude, of modern celebrity. As science proceeds by +gradual advances, I frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, to +initiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, and +to judge of their skilful preparation. These, to be sure, are proper +schools for a beginner; but I soon discovered that these victuallers, +on account of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much and +pay little, could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite +_entrees_. Sometimes I found that the same turkey had been twice +subjected to the spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before, +underwent the operation of frying on the following. Cold meat appeared +as hot pie, with many other curious and ingenious devices. Then the wine +was so adulterated, compelled, like a melancholic patient, to look +old before its time, and fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coat +perceptibly impregnated with bad brandy, and tasted of every thing +but the grape, that, in about six months, I sickened, and no longer +frequented these tasteless and inhospitable retreats for the hungry. + +“'To view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a “sorry +sight:”--a dozen articles placed at once upon the table--then, on +the removal of the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulous +paralytic serving the soup, and scattering it in all directions, +excepting into the plate where it ought to be delivered; ~~425~~~ then +an unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction; +here, an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl as +coarsely as the four horses dragged Ravillac, limb from limb; there, +another simpleton notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while a +purblind coxcomb confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy on +pigeon-pie, and parsley and butter on roast-beef. All these barbarisms +are unknown at my table. + +“'Perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond any +thing hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is to +behold my guests in silence sip their wine. As the glass is held up, the +eye and the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands the +nostrils, elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips to +a smile. When its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as Indian paper, +(for observe, to use a thick wine-glass is to drink with a gag in your +mouth) touches the lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnest +possible stream to enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained, +and that successive perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate in +the gulph of ecstacy. + +“'I am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulged +without some hazard to the constitution; it is therefore the business +of my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, and +provide timely remedies for its attack. A gold box is always placed on +the table with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are of +a very moving quality and speedy operation, called “Peristaltic +persuaders.” In an adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as an +ordinary washing-tub, with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper is +engaged to be in constant attendance till the guests depart. + +“'Gentlemen, I once became a member of a fashionable dinner-club, +managed by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine, +and engaged a culinary artist of established reputation. This club was a +diversified assemblage, consisting of some sprigs of the nobility and +a few old standards; several members of Parliament, who became very +troublesome by repeating the speeches that had been uttered in the +house, and were, besides, always attempting to reform the club. But this +was less offensive to me than others, as I make it a ~~426~~~ rule never +to attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in cookery. +The remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulous +lawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifying +their appetites by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients. +There is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years, +the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained of +expense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, was +accused of peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestly +demonstrating that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convert +sprats into red mullet. Several members moved off without paying +their arrears. The managing committee disposed of the premises, plate, +furniture, and wines, and pocketed the money; and thus the club was +dissolved.' + +“It was on this occasion that the Doctor proposed his celebrated +'committee of taste,' with the proceedings of which I shall, perhaps, +have occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted.” + +Gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and Bob felt +complimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies of +Metropolitan Life and Manners. The fine appearance of the morning +determined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as it +would afford Tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases as +were necessary prior to his departure for the country. In passing +Covent Garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesque +assemblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by the +following whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonishing sagacity and +feelings of the monkey species. An itinerant showman, who for some time +past exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stage +in a part of the Market. When his poles and cords were fixed, and the +monkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebrated +flying pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himself +with a bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showman +and one of the monkeys with a glass each; the other monkey however +declined taking any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the pieman +served out the second glass, and the former monkey took his with +apparent gladness. The pieman again seized the monkey ~~427~~~ who +declined it before, but he still scorned to take any. The by-standers +called out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung it +in his face. Instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was half +drunk by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seized +him by the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirely +out, only for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquish +his hold. The pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to a +doctor's shop to get his arm dressed. + +Passing on, the next object of attention was the Police office, Bow +Street. Here the party determined to rest for a short time, and after +listening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coach +fares, they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience, +by a case, in which the tables were completely turned upon Mr. Jehu, and +which we hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who have +a taste for swearing and abuse. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + + In cities, foul example on most minds + Begets its likeness. Rank abundance breeds + In gross and pamper'd cities sloth and lust, + And wantonness and gluttonous excess. + In cities, vice is hidden with more ease, + Or seen with least reproach; and virtue, taught + By frequent lapse, can hope no triumph there + Beyond th' achievement of successful flight. + I do confess them nurs'ries of the arts, + In which they flourish most; where, in the beams + Of warm encouragement, and in the eye + Of public note, they reach their perfect size. + Such London is, by taste and wealth proclaim'd + The fairest capital of all the world; + By riot and incontinence the worst. + +~~428~~~ +The arrival of the day for separation was anticipated, and the morning +arose upon Dashall with a gloomy aspect, originating in the temper of +his mind; for he was by no means pleased with the adventure of Laconic, +which operated to prevent his departure with his friends. Sparkle and +Tallyho were, however, upon the alert, and determined on pursuing their +original intentions. Tom had none of his usual vivacity about him. +In vain he tried to muster up his spirits, his attempts at wit were +pointless and did not escape the notice of Sparkle, who secretly enjoyed +his chagrin, feeling assured that as it was created by their departure, +he would not delay joining them longer than necessity absolutely +required. “Why how now, Tom,” said Sparkle, “you are out, and seem to be +in queer stirrups, as if you had an uneasy saddle. You seem to part +with your cousin as a young man would with the beloved of his heart.” “I +confess I am disappointed,” replied Tom. + + “But since grieving's a folly, + Why let us be jolly.” + +~~429~~~ “I am determined to spend the last moments with you--so start +off the rattle traps, the upper toggery's and travelling caps, we will +take a last turn together, and a parting dinner and glass of wine at +the Bull and Mouth, and I'll warrant you I won't be long behind. All I +regret is, I can't accompany you at present.” Upon this intimation, the +remainder of their luggage and clothing were despatched by a servant, +with an order to provide a good dinner for them at half past five. + +Things were now all m a fair train, and this business being despatched, +all was anxiety for the arrival of the moment, though with different +sensations; Sparkle to meet his wife, Bob to return to his native home, +and Tom displeased and disappointed in every way, although he determined +to be as agreeable as he could under existing circumstances. Time +however being heavy on their hands, but as Bob was anxious to make a few +more purchases for presents on his return home, they started early for +the Bull and Mouth. + +“You have now,” said Dashall to his cousin, “had some experience in REAL +LIFE IN LONDON, and I have reason to think you will not return to the +country a worse man than you left it. Variety is charming, and the +change from one to the other will give additional zest and pleasure.” + +“I have reason,” replied Bob, “to feel myself under a very particular +obligation to you for the excellent care, kindness and attention, as +well as information I have derived, and it cannot easily be obliterated +from my recollection; but I at the same time must observe, that I have +no very great relish for London as a continual residence. When you +arrive in the country I will try if I cannot be as explanatory and +amusing. At all events I expect you will give me the trial. + +“I'll give you a chevy over the hills, a pop at the pheasants, and a +pick at them afterwards; besides which, you know, we have some very +pretty lasses in our neighbourhood, to whom you have already been +introduced, and to whom you shall be better known.” + +“I know, I know,” said Tom, in a hurried manner, which strongly +indicated some other motive for regret than that which arose from mere +disappointment at not being a partner in their journey, and from which +Sparkle did not fail to draw an inference, that some roguish eyes had +been darting their beams into the bosom of his friend. + +~~430~~~ “I see how it is now,” cried Sparkle, “Tom is not cut but +caught, and I'll sport a fifty, that the Evergreen Tom Dashall, of +London, will be transplanted to entwine with some virgin blossom of the +country, before another twelve months.” + +Tom was silent. + +Tallyho smiled in accordance with the sentiment of Sparkle, and declared +he would not take the bet. + +“It's of very little use,” cried Dashall, recovering himself after a +short pause, “I may as well make a merit of necessity. I confess I +have a sort of a liking for the gay and sprightly Lydia Forcetext, the +parson's daughter; and if--but curse if's--I hate if, I wish there was +no such word in the English language.” + +“Ha, ha, ha!” exclaimed Sparkle, “I thought we should find you out--but +come, I think I may say there is not much for you to fear--if you are +but serious.” + +“It is a serious subject, and if we continue, this conversation I shall +grow downright sentimental--so no more at present--we have not much time +to spare--and as I mean to make use of every minute, let us look around +for any novelty that may occur before your departure.” + +“Well,” said Sparkle, “I must say I do not know of any thing so new to +me as the very subject we were upon--but as you wish it dropped--why +e'en let it be so--I have no desire to be either particular or +personal.” + + And as London's the object we've long had in view, + As long as we can, we'll that object pursue. + And as visions we know have been for an old grudge meant, + We'll make ours a view--not a vision of--judgment. + +“Good,” said Tom, “and as the lines are extemporaneous we will not be +over-nice in the criticism.” + +“At least,” continued Sparkle, “you will admit it is better to be a bad +poet--than a bad man.” + +“Agreed--agreed,” replied Tom.--“But who in the name of wonder have +we here--the emperor of hair-dressers and head-cutters turned +print-seller--Why, this was Money's, where I have, before now, had a +clip.” + +~~431~~~ “Nay, nay,” said Sparkle, “don't be in a hurry to form your +judgment--his ingenuity is at work, and really it will be worth while +to have a cut all round; for I find he gives a portrait, displaying +the most fashionable Parisian dresses to every customer. Some you +know present bank, or, more properly speaking, flush notes upon these +occasions; but certainly this is a less exceptionable plan.--What say +you?” + +“With all my heart:” and into the _Magazin de Mode_ they marched; to +which they were welcomed by the artist himself--ushered up stairs +with all due politeness, and in two minutes Sparkle was under his +incomparable hands, while Tom and Bob amused themselves with a peep at +the newspapers and the Gazette of Fashion. + +“Fine morning, gentlemen,” said the friseur. + +“Is there any news?” asked Sparkle. + +“We have the Paris papers, Sir, regularly, and a constant supply of +drawings of the newest fashion.” + +“I am more for domestic or home news,” continued Sparkle. + +“Not aware, Sir, of any thing particular--oh, yes; I recollect I was +told last night, over at the Haunch, that the mermaid is discovered.” + +“What,” said Tom, “discover a mermaid over a haunch!” laying down the +paper. + +“Beg pardon, Sir, beg pardon, a trifling mistake, Sir--nothing more--I +usually pass a recreative hour, after my daily studies, at the Haunch +of Venison, over the way: the landlord is an intelligent, accommodating, +and agreeable sort of man, and we have many gentlemen of considerable +consequence, both literary and scientific, who meet there of an evening +to pass a convivial hour--to hear and impart the news; and, Sir, as I +was saying, the mermaid is stated to be a fine hoax upon the credulity +of John Bull, being nothing more than the body or skin of a smoke-dried +old woman, ingeniously connected with the tail of a fish. I don't vouch +for the truth of the report, I only state what I hear, and can only +assert with confidence what I am acquainted with in my own business.” + +“I suspected the mermaid from the first,” answered Tom, “I thought there +was some deceit in it.” + +“There is a great deal of deceit in the world, Sir,” replied the active +clipper.--“A little Circassian cream, Sir--acknowledged to be the best +article ever produced for the preservation and restoration of hair.” + +“Certainly,” said Sparkle. + +~~432~~~ In this way our friends obtained a portion of amusement, and +a Corinthian clip from the intelligent and communicative Mr. Money, of +Fleet Street notoriety, in return for which he touched their coin. + +“Now,” said Dashall, “we will make the best of our way and just call, +by way of taking a lunch, among the lads of Newgate Market. There is +a house where I have been before, in which we can have some very +fine home-brewed ale, &c; and besides, according to the landlord's +advertisements, he has opened an academy, and gives instruction in +the art of brewing. The College of Physicians is just opposite, and I +suppose this wag of a landlord has taken the hint, and opposed his beer +to their physic--perhaps you may wish to carry his valuable receipt into +the country with you?” + +“I have no inclination to turn brewer,” replied Sparkle, “but I +must confess I like the idea of a little genuine beer--free from the +poisonous ingredients of the public brewer.” + +“And so do I,” continued Tallyho. “Come along, then,” said Tom, “the +Bell in Warwick Lane is the shop, where you may be served to a shaving.” + In passing along Warwick Lane, Bob observed he thought his friend was +leading him through a not very agreeable neighbourhood. + +“This place is filled with slaughter-houses, and is to be sure a great +nuisance to the City; yet such places are necessary, therefore bear up +a few minutes, and you will have comfortable house-room and agreeable +refreshment.” Entering the Bell, they were met by the landlord of the +house, a round-faced, good-natured, real John-Bull-looking man, +who knowing his customer Dashall, immediately ushered them into the +coffee-room, where being supplied with stout and mutton-chops in high +perfection, they enjoyed themselves with their regale. This done, they +had an opportunity of looking about them. + +In one corner sat two or three tip-top salesmen of the market, +conversing on the price of meat, while they were devouring a succession +of rump-steaks with most voracious and insatiable appetites. In another +was a hungry author, bargaining with a bookseller of Paternoster Row, +for the sale of a manuscript, by which he expected to realise a dinner. +While near them was an undertaker and a master-builder, vociferating at +each other for interference ~~433~~~ with their respective trades, and +so far attracting the attention of the bookseller from the work of the +author, that he wished, from the bottom of his heart, “that one would +build a coffin to bury the other:” while the salesmen laughed so loud at +the observations of the controversialists, as almost to make them wish +the subject dead without the hope of resurrection. + +Bob liked the stout--ordered a replenish, and asked the landlord to +partake. + +“With all my heart--gentlemen--good health--real malt and hops, +gentlemen--nothing else--all brewed under my own eye--good ordinary at +two--excellent fare--good treatment--comfortable beds--happy to see you +at all times at the Bell brewery.” + +Having proceeded on their journey they shortly found themselves near +Bull and Mouth Street. + +On their way to the Bull and Mouth, Sparkle made a proposal, which was +cordially acquiesced in by Dashall and his cousin, and a mutual pledge +was given to carry it into effect: this was no other than an agreement +to take a trip over to Dublin in the course of the ensuing winter, in +order to acquire some knowledge of LIFE IN IRELAND. + +“I have lately,” said Sparkle, “been almost convulsed with laughter, +even to the danger of a locked-jaw, by the perusal of a work under +this title. The author, nephew to a late Irish chancellor, is an old +acquaintance; added to which, and the genuine irresistible humour that +runs throughout the work, I feel determined to visit, and have ocular +demonstration of some of the places where these scenes of humour are so +admirably described.” + +On entering Bull and Mouth Street--“Bless me,” cried Bob, “this is a +very confined street for such an inn.” + +“Hoy,” cried a coachman, rattling along the street in double quick time. + +“By your leave,” bawled a porter with a heavy chest on his back. + +“We shall certainly either be knocked down, or run over,” exclaimed +Tallyho. + +“Never fear,” said Tom, “do but keep your ogles in action, all's right +enough, and we shall soon be safely housed out of the bustle; but before +we enter the house we will just cast our eyes about us. On the right, +after passing the gate, is the coach-offices for receiving, booking, +~~434~~~ and delivering parcels, and taking places for passengers by the +various vehicles which start from this place. On the left is the hotel +and coffee-house, where every refreshment and accommodation may be +obtained. The remaining part of the building, together with several +others adjoining, which almost occupy the whole of this side of +the street, are devoted to stables, waggon and coach-houses, and +out-offices.” + +[Illustration: page434.jpg Bull and Mouth Inn] + +“It is an extensive concern then,” said Tallyho, “though it stands in +such an out of the way obscure situation.” + +“Why you are already aware that situation is not absolutely necessary +to success in all cases in London,” was the reply. “The extensive +circulation of a name or a sign are sometimes sufficient to obtain +business;--and who has not heard of the Bull and Mouth, or the name of +Willan--from the former runs a considerable number of long stages and +mail coaches, daily and nightly, the proprietor being a contractor with +Government; and upon one occasion it is said, he was in treaty to supply +an immense quantity of horses to convey troops to the coast, on the +threatened invasion by Buonaparte, so that the epithet patriotic might +properly be applied to him. He however is lately deceased, and supposed +to have left a considerable fortune.--But come, dinner is ready--now for +the parting meal, and then heaven speed ye to your destined homes.” + +After partaking of a hearty dinner, and a bottle or two of generous +wine--“Come,” said Dashall, “it is time we are alive and look out, for +the yard is all in a bustle; here are lots of coaches preparing for a +start, so let us get out, look around, and see what is going forward.” + +Upon this intimation, they sallied forth to the yard, where the +confusion created by the arrival of one coach heavily laden, and +the preparation of two for departure, afforded a scene for a quiet +contemplatist, which however it is not easy to describe. + +“Coachman,” said an antiquated lady, just alighting, “I paid my fare.” + +“Yes Ma'am, that's all fair,” said coachy. + +“Mind how you hand my dear little boy out of the coach, poor little +fellow he is quite dizzy with riding.” + +~~435~~~ “I thinks as how you had better have brought a man with you, +for you want taking care of yourself,” grumbled coachy, as he handed the +young one out.--“There he is Ma'am--stand upon your pins, my man.” + +“Come Charley--Oh coachy you have got my box in your boot.” + +“Aye, aye, Ma'am, I know it, I wish my boot was in your box--here it is +Ma'am.” + +“Stand bye,” said a Jack Tar, “let's have a little sea room, and no +squalls.” + +“Coachy, what a rude fellow that is, he says I squalls.” + +“Never mind him, Ma'am, he is as rough as the element he belongs +to--thank ye Ma'am--that's the time o' day,” pocketing a half-crown +which she had just given him. + +“Here Bill, take this lady's luggage out of the way.” + +“Just going off, Sir--do you go by me?” + +“Yes,” replied Sparkle, “how many have you inside?” + +“Only four, Sir, and you two make up the number--all ready--Jem, bear up +the leaders.” + +At this moment a hackney coach stopped at the gate, and out jumps a +gentleman who immediately entered into conversation with the coachman. + +“Can't do it, Sir,” said coachy,--“all full--I might manage to give you +an outside passage to be sure.” + +“Well, well, I will make that do, perhaps you can afford an inside birth +part of the journey.” + +“I'll see what I can do, but can't promise--now gentlemen.” + +“Here coachman,” said the person desirous of obtaining a passage, +tipping coachy some money. + +“Aye, aye, that's the way to look at the matter.” + +By this time Tom discovered it was no other than Van Butchell,{1} whom +he observed to Bob, there was little doubt had been summoned on some +desperate case, and must go at all events. + + 1 It is fortunate for the rising generation, that the late + Martin Van Butchell, not more celebrated for his + eccentricities than bis utility, has not departed from the + world without leaving an able successor to his practice. + Edwin Martin Van Butchell is now almost as well known as his + late father. Such indeed is the estimation of his abilities, + that a large society of journeymen tailors have entered into + a weekly subscription among themselves, in order that their + afflicted brethren may have the benefit of his practical + knowledge and abilities. + +“Now, gentlemen, you brush in and I will brush on. Shut the door Dick, +all right--ya--hip.” + +“Adieu, dear Tom,” exclaimed Bob. + +~~436~~~ “Zounds,” exclaimed Tom, “the coachman will hardly allow him to +say good bye--well, the dearest friends must part, so good bye, heaven +protect you both.” + +By this time the vehicle was out of the yard. + +“I don't like it,” continued Tom, soliloquizing with himself; “but, +however, as I have bid them adieu for the present, the best thing I +can do is to arrange Laconic's affairs, and then bid adieu to _Life in +London_.” + + +The End + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REAL LIFE IN LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 20484-0.txt or 20484-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/4/8/20484/ + +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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