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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 24, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 18, 2007 [EBook #20392] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by gvb, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<div class="tn"> +<a name="tn-front" id="tn-front"></a> +<h3>Transcriber’s note:</h3> + +<p>The original has a number of inconsistent spellings and punctuation. +Five corrections have been made for obvious typographical errors; +these, as well as one doubtful spelling, have been +<a class="correction" title="Like this">noted individually</a> in the text.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 159.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 24, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page401" id="page401"></a>[pg 401]</span></div> + + + + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>No sooner had the League of Nations +met at Geneva than news came of the +pending retirement of Mr. <span class="sc">Charlie +Chaplin</span>. We never seem to be able +to keep more than one Great Idea going +at a time.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Have you read Mrs. Asquith's +Book?" asks an evening paper advertisement. +"What book?" may we ask.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"In our generation," says Dean <span class="sc">Inge</span>, +"there are no great men." It is said +that Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> will not take +this lying down.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Since the Gloomy Dean's address at +Wigmore Hall it is suggested +that the world +should be sold to defray +expenses while there is +yet time.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"What is wanted to-day," +says Mr. <span class="sc">H. M. +Rioden</span>, "is a Destruction +of Pests Bill." +"Jaded Householder" +writes to say that when +this becomes law anybody +can have the name +of his rate-collector.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"M. <span class="sc">Rhallis</span>, the new +Greek Premier," says +<i>The Evening News</i>, "is +a regular reader of <i>The +Daily Mail</i>." We had +felt all along he was +one of us.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Dendrology," says +a contemporary, "is an +admirable pursuit for women." We +seem to remember, however, that one +of the earliest female arboriculturists +made a sad mess of it.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to the U.S.A. Bureau of +Standards the pressure of the jaw during +mastication is eleven tons to the square +inch. If this is propaganda work on +behalf of the United States' bacon industry +we regard it as particularly crude.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A Sioux City millionaire is said to +have paid two hundred pounds for a +goat. He claims that it is the only +thing in Iowa that has whiskers and +isn't thirsty.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Mr. Graham Bell, the inventor of +the telephone, has just visited Edinburgh, +his birthplace, after an absence +of fifty years," says a news item. We +can only say that if he invented <i>our</i> +telephone he had reason to keep away.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"After all," says an evening paper, +"the Coalition is only human." <i>The +Times</i>, however, is not quite so sure +about it.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is said that Mr. <span class="sc">Bottomley</span> is +about to make a powerful announcement +to the effect that the present year +will be nearly all over by Christmas.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>In connection with the Ministry of +Health Bill, we read, not a penny of +additional expenditure or expense will +fall on the ratepayer or taxpayer. +People are now wondering whether the +Government thought of that one themselves.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Balls made of newspapers soaked in +oil are said to be a good substitute for +coal. It seems as if newspapers are +determined to get a good circulation +somehow.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Cars that run into four figures were +to be seen at many stands at the recent +Motor Show. In the ordinary way +motor-cars run into as many figures as +get in their way.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>It appears that the man who was +knocked down in Charing Cross Road +by a motor-scooter was one of the +middle class, and so could not afford to +have it done properly by a motor-car.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is rumoured that a Radical paper +is about to offer a prize of one hundred +pounds for the best design for a <i>Daily +Mail</i> halo.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A man charged at the Guildhall admitted +that he had been convicted +sixty-seven times. Indeed it is understood +that he has only to say "Season" +to be admitted to any police-court.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Pussyfoot beaten," announces a +headline. We hear, however, that he +intends to have another try when the +water-rate is not quite so high.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A Streatham youth has been fined +ten shillings for causing a disturbance +by imitating a cat at night. He said +everything would have gone off well if +somebody had not made a noise like a +policeman.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"All men are cowards," declares a +lady-writer in a weekly journal. Still +it should be remembered that one of us +married the lady who +is now known as "Mrs. +Grundy."</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>In describing a storm +a local paper recently +stated that waves +seventy feet high lashed +themselves to fury +against the rocks. We +have always been given +to understand that +waves never exceed fifteen +feet, but we suppose +everything has gone up +since the War.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"When is the Government +going to commence +operations in +connection with the +Channel Tunnel?" asks +a correspondent in a +daily paper. We understand +that unless the +English homing rabbit, +recently released at Calais, puts in an +appearance on this side once again, the +idea will be abandoned as impracticable.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/401.png"> +<img src="images/401-th.png" width="100%" alt=""SHALL I DUST THE BRICKY-BRACK, MUM?" +"NOT TO-DAY, NORAH. I DON'T THINK WE CAN AFFORD IT.""/></a> +<p><span class="sc">"Shall I dust the bricky-brack, Mum?"<br /> + +"Not to-day, Norah. I don't think we can afford it."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<h4>High Life Below Stairs.</h4> + +<p>"Head Laundress wanted, titled lady."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Irish Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>This is what results from washing +dirty linen in public.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"L'AMITIÉ FRANCO-ANGLAISE</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Un Télégramme du roi George I</span><sup>er</sup> <span class="sc">À +M. Millerand</span>."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Le Figaro.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>The attention of the <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> +should be drawn to the unusually +long delay in delivery.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Rat Catcher then said 'Look behind.' +I looked behind, and there on the seat was +strapped a larger cake. This contained 145 +live rodents."—<i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And now the pie with the four-and-twenty +blackbirds must also take a +back seat.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page402" id="page402"></a>[pg 402]</span></div> + +<h2>BELLES OF THE BALL.</h2> + +<p>A football eleven composed of work-girls +from a Lancashire factory recently +journeyed to Paris to play a team of +French female footballers. With women +forcing an entry into the ranks of +minor professions, such as the Law and +Politics, it is doubtful if even the sacred +precincts of professional football can +now be considered safe, and Mr. Punch +wonders if he may soon find himself +reading in the Sporting Columns of the +Press paragraphs something in the +nature of the following:—</p> + +<p>Kitty Golightly, who has the reputation +of being one of the fastest young +women seen in London this season, has +now definitely thrown in her lot with +the Tottenham Hotstuff. Her forward +work is likely to cause something in +the nature of a sensation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The dropping of Hilda Smith from +the League team of Newcastle United +has been much criticised by football +enthusiasts throughout the country. +We are, however, in a position to state +that there has been trouble between +Hilda Smith and the Newcastle Directors +for some time past. It appears that +Newcastle's brilliant full-back objected +to wearing the Newcastle jersey, on the +plea that its sombre colour-scheme did +not suit her complexion. She pointed +out that Fanny Robinson, the Newcastle +goal-keeper, wore an all-red jersey +and that, as the shade chosen was +most becoming to anyone with dark +hair, she (Hilda Smith) claimed the right +to wear red also. The Newcastle +Directors replied that under the laws +of the Football Association the goal-keeper +is required to wear distinctive +colours from the rest of the team. +That being so, Hilda Smith would only +consent to turn out in future on condition +that she should play in goal, and +as the club management would not +agree to displacing Fanny Robinson +the only thing to be done was to leave +Hilda Smith out of the side entirely.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>What would have been a very serious +misfortune to the team chosen to +represent England in the forthcoming +International against Wales has only +just been averted. But for the common-sense +and good feeling of all concerned, +Dolly Brown, the English captain, +might have found herself assisting the +Welsh side instead of her own country's +eleven. Not long ago this brilliant back +became engaged to a Welsh gentleman +from Llanfairfechan and the wedding +had been fixed for Thursday next. +Under the present state of the British +Constitution a married woman takes on +the nationality of her husband, and had +the marriage been solemnized before +the International Match on Saturday +Dolly Brown would have been ineligible +for England and available for Wales. +On this being pointed out to her she +at once consented to postpone her marriage, +like the patriotic sportswoman +she is, and in the meantime legislation +is to be rushed through both Houses of +Parliament to alter the absurd state of +the law and retain for England the +services of one of the finest backs that +ever fouled a forward.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. Ted Hustler, the popular chairman +of the Villa North End Club, has +been away from home for some days, +rumour being strong in his native city +that he has gone to Scotland after Jennie +Macgregor. On our representative calling +at Mr. Hustler's house this morning +to inquire if it really were true that +Mr. Hustler has for a long time had his +eye on Jennie Macgregor, Mrs. Hustler, +the charming wife of the chairman, +was understood to reply that she would +like to catch him at it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The regrettable incident at Stamford +Bridge on Saturday last, when Gertie +Swift was sent off the field by the +referee, is to our mind yet another +example of the misguided policy of the +League management. Gertie Swift was +strongly reprimanded by Mr. G. H. +Whistler, the official in charge of the +match, for an alleged offence. Gertie +Swift retorted. Mr. Whistler warned +her. Gertie again retorted. Mr. Whistler +then ordered Gertie to retire from the +game. Whilst we quite agree that a +referee must exercise a strong control +it is perfectly obvious that no self-respecting +woman player is going to +allow any mere man to have the last +word; and the sooner the Football Association +realise this and dispense with +the services of all male referees the +better for the good of the game.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Our arrangements for a full report of +the English Cup Final are now completed. +Our fashion experts are to +journey to London with both teams, and +a detailed description of the hats and +travelling costumes worn by the players +will appear in an extra special edition +of this paper. We understand that the +two rival elevens are to turn out in silk +jumpers knitted in correct club colours +by the players' own fair hands during +the more restful periods of their strenuous +training.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A Casual Family.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Small house or flat required; one child +(off hand); any district."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>INCREASED OUTPUT.</h2> + +<p>(<i>A comparative study of incentives to +labour.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The miner's <i>rôle</i> is not for me;</p> +<p class="i4">These manual jobs I always shun;</p> +<p class="i2">In the bright realm of Poesy</p> +<p class="i4">My thrilling daily task is done.</p> +<p>My songs are wild with beauty. This is one.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Yet has the miner, not the bard,</p> +<p class="i4">A life that runs in pleasant ways;</p> +<p class="i2">His labour may be pretty hard,</p> +<p class="i4">But, when compared with mine, it <i>pays</i>.</p> +<p>Scant the reward of my exhausting days.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I bear no grudge. I don't object</p> +<p class="i4">To watch his wages soaring high,</p> +<p class="i2">If, as I'm told, we may expect</p> +<p class="i4">To see him resolutely ply</p> +<p>His task with greater vigour. So must I.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Up, Muse, and get your wings unfurled!</p> +<p class="i4">My rhymes at double speed must flow;</p> +<p class="i2">Now, from this hour, the astonished world</p> +<p class="i4">Must see my output daily grow.</p> +<p>And why? I want some coal—a ton or so.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Coal is my greatest need, the crest</p> +<p class="i4">And pinnacle of my desires;</p> +<p class="i2">And as I toil with feverish zest</p> +<p class="i4">'Twill be the dream of blazing fires</p> +<p>That spurs me to my labour and inspires.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I wonder if the miner too</p> +<p class="i4">Has visions in his dark abyss</p> +<p class="i2">Which urge him on to hack and hew</p> +<p class="i4">That he may so achieve the bliss</p> +<p>Of buying great and deathless songs (like this).</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + +<p>Notice in a Canadian book-shop:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"It often happens that you are unable to +obtain just the book you want. We specialise +in this branch of book-selling." +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Observing a straw stack on fire opposite +her house a woman removed her baby from +the bath and poured the bath water on to the +flames."—<i>Evening Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>What we admire is her presence of +mind in first removing the baby.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. and Mrs. John —— wish to return +grateful thanks to all who so kindly contributed +to their late great loss by theft."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Always be polite to burglars. You never +know when they may call again.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that Smith minor, +who in an examination paper wrote +<i>margot</i>, instead of <i>margo</i>, as the Latin +for "the limit," has been reprimanded +severely by his master.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="pagei" id="pagei"></a>[pg i]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/i-1.png"> +<img src="images/i-1-th.png" width="80%" alt="Row of copies of 'Mr. Punch's History of the Great War'" /></a> +</div> + +<h2><i>Mr. Punch's History of the Great War</i></h2> + +<div class="figleft"> +<div class="w40"> +<a href="images/i-2.png"> +<img src="images/i-2-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE OPTIMIST. +"If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is clear: Go past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to the church."" /></a> +<h4>THE OPTIMIST.</h4> + +<p>"If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is <a class="correction" title="missing colon in original">clear:</a> Go +past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to the church."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Self-praise, it used to be held, is +no recommendation; but that was +before the War. The War has +altered so many things that it may +have altered this too, and self-praise be the best +recommendation of all. Mr. Punch hopes so, +because he wants to indulge for the moment in +extolling one of his own products; he wishes, +in short, to urge upon all his readers the merits +of "Mr. Punch's History of the Great War." +Everything is here, in very noteworthy synthesis; +the tragedy and the comedy inextricably +mingled, as they must ever be, but as by more +formal historians they are not.</p> + +<p>Such is Mr. Punch's opinion on Mr. Punch's +own book, which is no formal history of the +War in the strict or scientific sense of the phrase; +no detailed record of naval and military operations. +Rather it is a mirror of varying moods, +reflecting in the main how England remained +steadfastly true to her best traditions; a reflex +of British character during the days of doubt +and the hours of hope that marked the strenuous +and wearying days of the War.</p> + +<p>All ages and classes come into the picture—combatants +and non-combatants, young and old, +men and women. And Mr. Punch's pencil plays +a part at least equal to that of his pen, the record +of each month being generously supplied with +cartoons and illustrations by famous <i>Punch</i> +artists. Into these pages has been compressed +just what we need to remember about the +War, and we are reminded of +things which we had already forgotten. +Here is the tragedy and +the pathos of the Great War—even +the comedy of those great +years of undying memory.</p> + +<p>No more popular history of +the War has been written; it has +been eulogised everywhere, for it +is a book that every citizen of the +Empire should read and be proud +to possess. As a Christmas gift +it is ideal, and will be gladly welcomed +not only by those at home, +but also by those in Canada, Australia, +India, South Africa, and +other parts of our far-flung Empire, +whose gallant sons shared +the horrors and the victory of +those four-and-a-half years.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="pageii" id="pageii"></a>[pg ii]</span></div> + +<h2><i>An Immortal Story</i></h2> + +<p>"Mr. Punch's History of the +Great War" is a History +we can all read, and all +<i>should</i> read, for here is the record of +the heroes who added to the glories +of our blood and State—a roll that +is endless—wonderful gunners and +sappers, and airmen and despatch +riders, devoted surgeons and heroic +nurses, stretcher-bearers and ambulance +drivers. "But Mr. Punch's +special heroes are the Second-Lieutenants +and the Tommy who went +on winning the War all the time, +and never said that he was winning +it until it was won."</p> + +<p>To read this book will help us +to realise the great debt, unpaid and +unpayable, to our immortal dead and +to the valiant survivors, to whom we owe freedom and security.</p> + +<p>It is "a corrective record," says <i>The Times</i>, "not only of what happened +'over there,' but of what people were saying and feeling at home"; while +<i>The Morning Post</i> remarked: "Here Mr. Punch is the nation, deftly +wielding the weapon of ridicule that has helped to kill so many enemy +tyrants."</p> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w40"> +<a href="images/ii.png"> +<img src="images/ii-th.png" width="100%" alt="OUR MAN. +With Mr. Punch's Grateful +Compliments to Field-Marshal Sir DOUGLAS HAIG. +["Punch," November 29th, 1918." /></a> +<p class="center">OUR MAN.</p> + +<p class="center">With Mr. Punch's Grateful Compliments to Field-Marshal +Sir <span class="sc">Douglas Haig</span>.</p> +<p class="right">["<i>Punch," November 29th</i>, 1918.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<table width="90%" border="0" summary="Advert for Mr. Punch's History of the +Great War'"> +<tr> +<td> + +<table border="0" summary="Advert for Mr. Punch's History of the +Great War' - left side"> +<tr> +<td class="left"> +<p class="emph"><i>This Most Acceptable Gift costs 10s. 6d. <span class="smaller">net</span></i></p> +<p class="right"><span class="smaller">Postage Extra</span></p> +<p class="center"><i>Published by</i><br />CASSELL & Co., Ltd.<br />La Belle Sauvage, London, E.C.4</p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +</td> +<td> </td> +<td valign="top"> + +<table border="0" summary="Advert for Mr. Punch's History of the +Great War' - order form"> +<tr> +<td class="inset"> +<div class="rh"> +<p><b>Use this Order Form for</b></p> +<h1>The Ideal Gift Book</h1> + +<p class="right">....................................<i>19</i>.......</p> +<p><i>To</i> ..........................................................................................</p> +<p>...............................................................................................</p> + + +<p><i><span class="dropcap">P</span><b>LEASE</b> supply to me</i>.........<i>cop</i>...... <i>of <b>"Mr. PUNCH'S +HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR,"</b> at 10s. 6d. +net, published by Cassell & Co., Ltd., La Belle Sauvage, +London, E.C.4, by arrangement with the Proprietors of +"Punch." <br />I enclose £ +: :</i></p> + + +<p><i>Name</i>.......................................................................................</p> + +<p><i>Address</i>....................................................................................</p> +</div> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page403" id="page403"></a>[pg 403]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/403.png"> +<img src="images/403-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE LAST STRAW. +THE CAMEL DRIVER. "NOW, WHICH HUMP HAD THIS BETTER GO ON?" +THE CAMEL. "IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME. IT'S BOUND TO BREAK MY BACK ANYHOW.""/></a> +<h4>THE LAST STRAW.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">The Camel Driver</span>. "NOW, WHICH HUMP HAD THIS BETTER GO ON?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Camel</span>. "IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME. IT'S BOUND TO BREAK MY BACK ANYHOW."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page404" id="page404"></a>[pg 404]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/404.png"> +<img src="images/404-th.png" width="100%" alt="Old Josh (who has just purchased stamp). +"WOULD YER MIND A-STICKIN' OF IT ON FOR ME, MISSIE? OI BAIN'T NO SCHOLARD.""/></a> +<p><i>Old Josh (who has just purchased stamp).</i> <span class="sc">"Would yer mind a-stickin' of it on for me, missie? Oi bain't no scholard."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.</h2> + +<p class="center">III.—<span class="sc">Sir Eric Geddes</span>.</p> + +<p>Which is boyhood's commonest ambition, +to run away to sea or to be something +on a railway line? And how +few, when they are grown up, find that +they have realised either of these desires! +The present Minister of Transport +has freely confessed to his intimates +that more than once, when he +was floating paper-boats in his bath or +climbing a tree in the garden to look +out for icebergs from the crow's-nest, +he felt in his child's heart that water +was the ultimate quest, the adventure, +the gleam. And yet for many a long +year railways entranced and enslaved +him. Often he would sit for hours, forgetful +of the griddle cakes rapidly being +burnt to a cinder, and gaze at the puffs +of steam coming from the spout of the +kettle or the quick vibrations of its lid, +planning in his mind some greater and +better engine that should be known +perhaps as The Snorting Eric, and be +enshrined in glass on Darlington platform.</p> + +<p>Once, when he had bought a small +model stationary engine and the methylated +spirit lamp had by some accident +set fire to the carpet, he was found after +the conflagration had subsided standing +serenely amongst the wreckage. +When challenged as to its cause, "I +cannot tell a lie," he replied calmly; +"I did it with my little gadget." A +few months later he and the present +Ambassador of Great Britain at Washington +had constructed a double line +of miniature tracks, which connected +all the rooms on the ground floor of +the house and considerably interfered +with the parlourmaid's duties. It was +known to the family as the Great +Auckland Railway. Another favourite +hobby of the young engineer was to +lie on his back and watch the spider +spin her web, comparing the results +with a railway map of Great Britain. +It was seldom that he went to bed +without having learnt at least a page +of <i>Bradshaw</i> by heart.</p> + +<p>Going from strength to strength this +apparently dreamy lad had climbed the +giddy rungs of fame until, at the outbreak +of war, he stood with the ball at +his feet and the title of Deputy General +Manager of the N.E.R. It was he who +had invented the system whereby the +handle of the heating apparatus in railway +carriages could be turned either to +<span class="sc">off</span> or <span class="sc">on</span> without any consequent infiltration +of steam, thereby saving +passengers from the peril of death by +suffocation. It was he who, thumping +the table with an iron fist, had insisted +vehemently that caged parrots travelling +in the rack should, if capable +of speech, be compelled to pay the full +fare. It was he who effected one of +the greatest economies that the line had +ever known by using rock-cakes which +had served their term of years in the +refreshment-room as a substitute for +the keys which hold the metals of the +permanent way in their chairs.</p> + +<p>In the summer of 1914 he was about +to adopt a patent device for connecting +the official notices in compartments +with gramophones concealed under the +seats in such a way that when humourists +had by dint of much labour made +the customary emendations, such as "<span class="sc">It +is dangerous to leap out of the +windows</span>," "<span class="sc">To stop the rain pull +down the chain</span>" and "<span class="sc">To eat five +persons only</span>," a loud and merry peal +of laughter should suddenly hail the +completed masterpiece.</p> + +<p>Armageddon supervened, and the rest +of Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes'</span> career is history. +When a new and sure hand was needed +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page405" id="page405"></a>[pg 405]</span> +at the Admiralty, Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> +was not long in making the only suitable +choice. Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span>' bluff +hearty manner, positively smacking, +despite his inland training, of all that +a viking ought to smack of, had long +marked him out as the ideal ruler of +the King's Navy, and his name was +soon known and feared wherever the +seagull dips its wing. Underneath the +breezy exterior lay an iron will, like a +precipitate in a tonic for neurasthenia, +and scarcely had he boarded the famous +building in Whitehall and mounted his +quarter-deck (Naval terms are always +used at the Admiralty, the windows +being called "port-holes" and the staircases +the "companion") than victory +began to crown the arms of the Senior +Service.</p> + +<p>But peace no less than war finds an +outlet for the energies of the old sea-dog, +and the veriest hint of a railway +strike finds him ready with flotillas of +motor lorries in commission and himself +in his flag char-à-banc, aptly named +the Queen of Eryx, at their head. +Lever, marlin-spike or steering wheel, +it is all one to the brain which can co-ordinate +squadrons as easily as rolling-stock, +to the man who is now sometimes +known as the Stormy Petrol of +the Cabinet. Yet even so the sailor is +strongest in him still. It is not +generally known that Sir <span class="sc">Eric</span> has +already cocked his weather eye at our +inland waterways as an auxiliary line +of defence in case of need. Experience +has taught him that it is even now +quicker to travel, let us say, from +Boston (Lincs.) to Wolverhampton, by +river and canal than by rail, and the +future may yet see Thames, Trent and +Severn churned to foam by motor +barges of incredible rapidity, distributing +the nation's food supplies.</p> + +<p>This is one of the things that the +Ministry of Transport has, so to say, +up its sleeve, and is alone a sufficient +answer to those who suggest that this +Ministry has outlived its hour. There +is a grim Norse spirit amongst its +officials, inspired perhaps by their chieftain's +name, and already the plans for +a first-class Pullman galley are under +way. As <span class="sc">Longfellow</span> sings:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Never saw the wild North Sea</p> +<p>Such a gallant company</p> +<p class="i4">Sail its billows blue;</p> +<p>Never, while they cruised and quarrelled,</p> +<p>Old King Gorm or Blue Tooth Harold,</p> +<p>Owned a ship so well apparelled,</p> +<p class="i4">Boasted such a crew."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="author">K.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. P. G. H. Fender, the Surrey cricket +captain who has gone out with the M.C.C. +team to Australia, is preparing a book on the +tour, for which he has chosen the title of +'Defending the Ashes.'"—<i>Weekly Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Quite the proper function for a <span class="sc">Fender</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/405.png"> +<img src="images/405-th.png" width="100%" alt="Tailor (to yokel who has brought suit back "WHAT'S WRONG? DON'T THEY FIT?" +Yokel "OH, AY, THEY FIT ALL RIGHT, BUT (pointing to fashion-plates) WOT'S USE O' THEY PICTURES IF YOU BAIN'T GOIN' TO BIDE BY UN.""/></a> +<p><i>Tailor (to yokel who has brought suit back)</i>. "<span class="sc">What's wrong</span>? <span class="sc">Don't they fit</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Yokel.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, ay, they <i>fit</i> all right, but</span> (<i>pointing to fashion-plates</i>) <span class="sc">wot's use +o' they pictures if you bain't goin' to bide by un."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ELFIN TENNIS.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Once in a fold of the hill I caught them—</p> +<p class="i2">All by my lone was I—</p> +<p>Out on the downs one night in Autumn,</p> +<p class="i2">Under a moonlit sky.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>There on a smooth little green rectangle</p> +<p class="i2">Sparkled the lines of dew;</p> +<p>Over the court with their wings a-spangle</p> +<p class="i2">Four little fairies flew;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Skeleton leaves in their hands for racquets</p> +<p class="i2">(All in a ring around</p> +<p>Brownies and elves in their bright green jackets</p> +<p class="i2">Watched from the rising ground).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then, as I crept up close for clearer</p> +<p class="i2">Sight of the Fairy Queen,</p> +<p><i>Oberon</i>, throned on a toadstool near her,</p> +<p class="i2">Carolled out "Love fifteen."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Over a net of the fairies' knitting</p> +<p class="i2">(Fine-spun gossamer thread)</p> +<p>Smallest of tiny puff-balls flitting</p> +<p class="i2">Hither and thither sped.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>So for a minute I watched them, shrinking</p> +<p class="i2">Low in the gorse-bush shade;</p> +<p>Then, like a mortal fool unthinking,</p> +<p class="i2">Shouted aloud, "Well played!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Right in the midst of an elfin rally</p> +<p class="i2">Sudden I stood alone;</p> +<p>Far away over the distant valley</p> +<p class="i2">Fairies and elves had flown.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page406" id="page406"></a>[pg 406]</span></div> + +<h2>A D'ANNUNZIO DIALOGUE.</h2> + +<p class="note">[From which will be perceived not only that telephonic communication +exists between Fiume and Lucerne, but also that there is an +easy way out of the difficulty with Greece if only the League of +Nations will utilise the instrument that lies to their hand.]</p> + +<div class="poem"> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">D'Annunzio (testily)</i>. Hello, Lucerne! Hello! Is that the Greek <span class="sc">King</span>?</p> +<p class="i10">Confound this buzz! Is that you, <span class="sc">Tino</span>? +<span class="hem">Speaking.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">King Constantine.</i></p> +<p class="i10">What do you want? I'm packing up my grip.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i><span class="sc">D'Annunzio</span> speaks. Attend the trumpet's lip.</p> +<p class="i10">Snatching a few brief moments, <span class="sc">Constantine</span>,</p> +<p class="i10">Out of my business morning—eight to nine,</p> +<p class="i10">Composing epic poems; nine to one,</p> +<p class="i10">Consolidating our position in the sun</p> +<p class="i10">(Sweet Alexandrine!), breakfast, bath and post,</p> +<p class="i10">A raid or two on the Dalmatian coast,</p> +<p class="i10">Speeches, parades and promulgating laws</p> +<p class="i10">Which, being published to my followers, cause</p> +<p class="i10">Loud cries of "Author!" and sustained applause;</p> +<p class="i10">Such is the round of toil that leaves not limp</p> +<p class="i10">Fiume's favoured Pontifex et Imp.—</p> +<p class="i10">I thought I'd ring you up. +<span class="hem">Well, well, what is it?</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">King Con.</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i> I hear you are proposing to revisit</p> +<p class="i10">Athens. +<span class="hem">Well, if I am, what's that to you?</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">King Con.</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i> This, that, whilst gazing at the local blue</p> +<p class="i10">The other day, I hit upon the plan</p> +<p class="i10">Of conquering the Mediterranean,</p> +<p class="i10">Including the Ægean and the finer</p> +<p class="i10">Portions, most probably, of Asia Minor,</p> +<p class="i10">And holding them as provinces beneath</p> +<p class="i10">Fiume and my own imperial wreath.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">King Con.</i> Go on, then, dash you. +<span class="hem">I shall soon begin;</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i></p> +<p class="i10">But I decline to have you butting in.</p> +<p class="i10">Tyrants there still may be, but not the sort</p> +<p class="i10">Discarded from a philo-Teuton Court;</p> +<p class="i10">The tolerant warmth that sheds a kind of lustre</p> +<p class="i10">Over a stout Ausonian filibuster</p> +<p class="i10">Does not extend to thoroughly bad hats</p> +<p class="i10">Like abdicated Hellene autocrats.</p> +<p class="i10">And, if the Allies feel some slight reserve</p> +<p class="i10">About resisting your confounded nerve,</p> +<p class="i10">I, <span class="sc">Gabriele</span>, do not. You may be</p> +<p class="i10">A kind of subject satrap under me;</p> +<p class="i10">If not, look out. You shall have cause to know</p> +<p class="i10">The singing eagles of <span class="sc">D'Annunzio</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">King Con.</i> I'll think it over. +<span class="hem">Do so swiftly then;</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i></p> +<p class="i10">Meanwhile good morning; I must see some men—</p> +<p class="i10">Also the Muse. She waits upon my pen.</p> +<p class="direction"><i>[Rings off</i>.</p> +</div> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p> + +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"How many cocktails are there? 'William,' the mixer at the +Royal Automobile lub, who was for eayrs at the Hotel ecil, states +that he can produce some 70 varieties without repeating himself."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And did the author of the above paragraph try them all?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Towards the conclusion of the meeting Miss Dolly —— sang the +solo 'The City of Light' in a very able style, and, as Mr. —— mentioned +in a vote of thanks, which he proposed, seconded and supported, +to the Chairman, speaker, accompanist, and soloist, she excelled +herself."—<i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We understand that the Gasworkers' Union has remonstrated +with the orator on his excessive output.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SNIPER.</h2> + +<p>Brackley is a good fellow, but I loathe him.</p> + +<p>How would you like it if you were tied to work and +every now and then a man came up to you in your club +and said, "Old man, do come away with me to the Pyrenees +and shoot jummel," or "Can't you spare a month, old +fellow, to come stalking ibex in Montenegro with me?" +or "Look here, you're just the chap I want to run over +to Alaska with me for a pot at the grizzlies"?</p> + +<p>Just a fortnight ago Brackley came and told me of a +delightful rough shooting he had rented in an obscure +corner of Ireland. According to him it was a congested +snipe area. You could not see the pools for wild-duck. The +honking of wild-geese kept one awake at night. The +drawback to the estate was that you were always tripping +over hares.</p> + +<p>"You won't be safe there," I said to Brackley.</p> + +<p>"I'm safe anywhere," said Brackley. "Work it on +system. In Arabia send the mullah a bottle of brandy. +On the Continent stand the local mayor a bottle of wine. +In Ireland ask the priest up to drink whiskey with you in +the evening. So long as the authorities have their thirst +relieved there's never trouble. Now just come for a fortnight. +There'll be crowds of snipe. I'm told there are +woodcock too."</p> + +<p>I was adamant.</p> + +<p>"Well," sighed Brackley, "I'll send you a card to say +how I get on."</p> + +<p>When his postcard arrived it ran:—</p> + +<table border="0" class="w60" summary="Postcard from Ballinagrub"> +<tr><td class="sle">"To-day—</td><td class="sri">"<i>Ballinagrub</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="ind2">Ten brace snipe.</p></td><td><p class="ind2">Four landrail.</p></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="ind2">One brace partridge.</p></td><td><p class="ind2">Three wild-duck.</p></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="ind2">Nine hares.</p></td><td><p class="ind2">One woodcock.</p></td></tr> +<tr><td class="sle">"What ho!"</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>Isn't that an aggravating card to get when you are deep +in the most elusive and trying chase of all—the money +hunt?</p> + +<p>I wrote Brackley a scornful postcard:—</p> + +<p>"Go on with your baleful schemes. Wallow in slaughter. +Roll in blood. Devastate the district. As an honest +hard-working Englishman I regard you with utter contempt."</p> + +<p>Three days later Brackley slapped me on the back in our +club.</p> + +<p>"What are you doing here?" I said. "Don't tell me +the snipe have gone on strike."</p> + +<p>"All your fault," he grumbled. "About half-an-hour +after I got your infernal postcard six outsize Republican +soldiers called on me and gave me just ten minutes to get +a car and drive to the station. I told them what a silly +fool you were and that it was one of your wretched jokes; +but you can't expect an Irishman to see a joke. I tried to +explain it; I said that you referred to my exploits as a +sniper; and they replied that sniping was their department +and nobody else's.</p> + +<p>"So I decided to come home and arrange for some shooting +in a place where there's a bit of peace. I'm thinking of +going after the ongdu antelopes in Somaliland. You can't +spare three months, can you?"</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you face it out?" I said, knowing that +Brackley had spent four years and two months of his life +shooting Huns.</p> + +<p>"Not worth while. I could have had a guard, of course. +But you can't expect decent snipe-shooting when there's a +lot of promiscuous firing going on in the district. The snipe +is a peculiarly nervous bird, you know."</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page407" id="page407"></a>[pg 407]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/407.png"> +<img src="images/407-th.png" width="50%" alt="HUMOROUS DRAMA: AN UNREHEARSED DIVERSION."/></a> +<h4>HUMOROUS DRAMA: AN UNREHEARSED DIVERSION.</h4> +</div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page408" id="page408"></a>[pg 408]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/408.png"> +<img src="images/408-th.png" width="50%" alt="Porter. "DO YOU WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER, OR VICE-VERSA?""/></a> +<p class="center"><i>Porter</i>. "<span class="sc">Do you want to sit next to one another, or vice-versa?"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A FOOTNOTE TO THE "BAB BALLADS."</h2> + +<p class="note">[The Vice-Chairman of No. 1 Committee +of the League of Nations, dealing with general +organisation, is Mr. <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>, the +distinguished Chinese diplomatist.]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Serene and Celestial Sage,</p> +<p class="i2">How well you revive and renew</p> +<p>The delights of an age when good "Bab" was the rage—</p> +<p class="i2">Eminent <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For I feel, though I may be a fool,</p> +<p class="i2">You were reared in remote Rum-ti-Foo,</p> +<p>Maybe suffered at school its episcopal rule—</p> +<p class="i2">Tolerant <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Next I see you adorning the scene</p> +<p class="i2">In the city of fair Titipu,</p> +<p>Garbed in green and in gold, very fine to behold—</p> +<p class="i2">Sumptuous <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then you probably met <i>Captain Reece</i></p> +<p class="i2">And all his affectionate crew,</p> +<p>Who knew no decrease of their comfort and peace—</p> +<p class="i2">Nautical <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Clonglocketty Angus McClan</i></p> +<p class="i2">I fear was withheld from your view;</p> +<p>That unfortunate man was not fated to scan</p> +<p class="i2">Fortunate <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But my reason instinctively tells</p> +<p class="i2">It was you who contrived to imbue</p> +<p>With his knowledge of spells <i>John Wellington Wells</i>—</p> +<p class="i2">Magical <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Morality, heavenly link,"</p> +<p class="i2">I'm sure you will never taboo,</p> +<p>Though to it I don't think you'll "eternally drink"—</p> +<p class="i2">Temperate <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>It is rather malicious, I own,</p> +<p class="i2">To play with a name that is true,</p> +<p>But I hope you'll condone my irreverent tone—</p> +<p class="i2">Generous <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Royal Exiles</span>.</p> + +<p>Some archdukes have become clerks, and +many have become governesses and ladies' +maids."—<i>Tasmanian Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>For these last two posts, their archness +would, we think, be an irresistible +qualification.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Nurses Wanted</span>.</p> + +<p class="center">540 Hours Working Week.</p> + +<p>Extra pay at special rates for any time +worked in excess of ordinary working hours."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>The generous provision for "overtime" +makes the above offer unusually attractive.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IF THEY WERE AT SCHOOL.</h2> + +<p>(<i>That is, if the House of Commons +were like our School Debating Society—as +indeed it is—and if its proceedings +were reported with the incisive brevity +of our School Magazine—and why not?</i>)</p> + +<p>On Wednesday the Society held its +2,187th meeting. There was some +regrettable rowdiness during Private +Business, and <span class="sc">A. Moseley</span> (Collegers) +had to be ejected for asking too many +questions. Members must not bring +bags of gooseberries into the debates.</p> + +<p>In Public Business the motion was:—</p> + +<p>"<i>That in the opinion of this House +Science is better than Sport</i>."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">D. Lloyd George</span>, Proposer (School +House), said that Science had won the +War, and quoted Wireless Telegraphy +and Daylight Saving to prove this. The +most successful Generals had had a +scientific training. His uncle had met +a General who knew algebra and used +it at the Battle of the Marne. Only +two first-class cricketers had ever been +in the Cabinet. Three scientists had. +The earth went round the sun. The +moon went round the earth. Rivers +flowed into the ocean.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + An improving speaker, who is inclined + to be carried away by his enthusiasm. + Too many metaphors. +</p></blockquote> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page409" id="page409"></a>[pg 409]</span></div> + +<p><span class="sc">H. Asquith</span>, Opposer (Collegers), +said that the speech of the hon. +Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, +as ineffective as they were insincere. +Never in the whole course of his career +had he encountered a subterfuge so +transparent, a calumny so shameless +as the attempt of the Hon. Prop., he +might say the calculated and cynical +attempt of the Hon. Prop., to seduce +from their faith the tenacious acolytes +of Sport by the now threadbare recital +of the dubious and, on his own showing, +the anæmic enticements of Science. +The War had proved that Science was +no good.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + This speaker is steadily improving, + but he has a tendency to a "fatal + fluency," and he must beware of high-sounding + phrases. Also too many + passages in his speech sounded like + quotations. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">A. Bonar Law</span>, Seconder (Commoners), +said that the War had proved +that Sport was no good. Gas had been +invented by Science. He pointed out +the importance of astronomy in navigation.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + A rapidly improving speaker. But + he must not mumble. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">E. G. <a class="correction" title="most likely misprint for 'PRETYMAN' - see ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT below">Prettyman</a></span> (Hodgeites) said +that farming was both a science and a +sport. The canal system of Great +Britain had been neglected.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + Some neat little epigrams. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">Leslie Scott</span> (Collegers) said that +his father was a lawyer. Science had +been used in the Russo-Japanese War.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + This speaker was not at his best. + Perhaps it was the gooseberries. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">Leslie Wilson</span> (Hittites) said that +his Christian name was the same as +the previous speaker's—(Laughter)—but +his views were very different. +(Loud laughter.) He would like to +ask the House which had done most +in the War—Tanks or Banks.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + The speech of the evening. Witty + and well-argued. But he must not + fidget with his waistcoat-buttons. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">W. S. Churchill</span> (Hivites) said that +this was a revolutionary motion. Sport +and Science must stand together. True +sport was scientific and true scientists +were sportsmen. (Applause.) Together +they would stand as an imperishable +bulwark against the relentless tide of +Socialism. Divided they would fall.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + A steadily improving speaker, but + he must not recite. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">H. A. L. Fisher</span> (Collegers) was in +favour of Proportional Education.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + He must not lecture. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">E. Geddes</span> (Perizzites) said he did +not mind what game he played. Rugger, +Soccer, Hockey, Cricket, Lacrosse, +Rounders—he was equally at home +with all of them.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + An improving speaker. He must + not speak at the roof; there is no one + there. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">F. Banbury</span> (Sittites) must not go on +and on.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">A. Mond</span> (Moabites) must not fidget +with his feet.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">H. D. King</span> (Hivites) said that sailing +was scientific.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + He has not been heard before. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">R. Kenworthy</span> (Day-boy) must not +be heard again.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">R. Brace</span> (Coalites) must not +wheedle.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Adamson</span> (Coalites) must not shout.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">A. Addison</span> (Collegers) was inaudible +where we were.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">E. Carson</span> (Jebusites) was inaudible +everywhere. But we gather we did +not miss much. He must speak up.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">W. Benn</span> (Amalekites) was invisible.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">A. Balfour</span> (Stalactites) was insensible. +But why not sleep in the dormitory?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">R. Cecil</span> <i>mi.</i> (Parasites) must not +preach.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">J. Devlin</span> (Meteorites) said that Ireland +was a nation. But he must not get +excited.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">R. Cecil</span> <i>ma.</i> (Collegers) must not +eat while he is speaking. Otherwise a +gentlemanly speech.</p> + +<p>The President summed up and the +Motion was carried by 12 votes to 11.</p> + +<p class="author">A. P. H.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/409.png"> +<img src="images/409-th.png" width="100%" alt="AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL. +OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS."/></a> +<h4>AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL.</h4> + +<p>OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, +FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON +THE STAIRS.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page410" id="page410"></a>[pg 410]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/410.png"> +<img src="images/410-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS. +"LADIES AND GENTS, I 'OPE YOU WILL LET ME 'AVE YOUR KIND +ATTENTION WHILE I GIVE A RENDERING OF 'RULE, BRITANNIA,' THE +NATIONAL SONG OF BRITAIN, ACCOMPANYIN' MYSELF ON THE 'ARP, +WICH I LEARNED TO PLAY WEN I WAS SERVIN' IN THE ARMY OF +OCCUPATION IN THAT REMOTE AND BARBAROUS ISLAND.""/></a> +<h4>THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Ladies and gents, I 'ope you will let me 'ave your kind attention while I give a rendering of 'Rule, Britannia,' +the national song of Britain, accompanyin' myself on the 'arp, wich I learned to play wen I was servin' in the army +of occupation in that remote and barbarous island."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A DIFFICULT CASE.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—This is one of +those social problems which end by +asking what A should do, only in this +case I want to know what you would +do.</p> + +<p>It happened on the first day of my +leave, just after I had, as is my custom +on this day, had my hair cut and otherwise +made beautiful at a place in Bond +Street. (I am afraid this sounds as if +I was a rich man, but really I am a +Naval Officer.)</p> + +<p>I was wearing—well, that would not +interest you, but it really was rather a +pleasant suit, with a hat which even +<i>The Daily Mail</i> could not improve +upon. Briefly, I was strolling along +in a perfectly contented frame of mind +when a horse, drawing a van, chose to +fall down right alongside me.</p> + +<p>In a moment of rashness and chivalry—have +I said that the horse was being +driven by a girl?—I promptly sat on +the brute's head, an act which I had +always been told is the correct thing to +do, though, I should imagine, discouraging +for the horse.</p> + +<p>In my haste I sat down with my +back to the van, so was unable to gauge +the progress of the refitting work which +was going on.</p> + +<p>In an effort to convey to the crowd, +which had, of course, collected, that I +was in no way embarrassed, nay more, +that I was well accustomed to sitting +on horses' heads in the middle of Bond +Street, I lit a cigarette and tried to +look <i>blasé</i>, no easy thing to do in the +circumstances.</p> + +<p>Small boys made tactless remarks +about my personal appearance and +eccentric habits, but I ignored them, +feverishly thinking that this adventure +would necessitate an early visit to my +club. I had just decided what brand +of cocktail would best meet the case +when I felt a tap on my shoulder and +looked up at a vast blue expanse which +I realised later was a policeman.</p> + +<p>"If you've quite finished with that +there 'orse you're sitting on, young +man," he said, "the leddy wants to +take it 'ome."</p> + +<p>The crowd chuckled and I rose +hurriedly. Unfortunately, so did the +horse, urged on, possibly by the cries +and kicks of several willing helpers, or +possibly by the sight of his mistress, +who had come up, I hoped, to thank me.</p> + +<p>Not only did the horse rise, but he +rose at full speed and without giving +me time to get my foot off the rein on +which I was unwittingly standing.</p> + +<p>My leg shot into the air and I lost +all sense of direction for a few seconds. +Then a slight shock, and I found myself +clasping the "leddy" firmly round +the neck.</p> + +<p>At this juncture my aunt appeared.</p> + +<p>My aunt, I should explain, is nothing +if not dignified. She is built on the +lines of a monitor, bluff in the bow, +broad in the beam, slow and majestic +of movement. Her lips were moving +feebly when I saw her, but she uttered +no sound, uncertain, I suppose, whether +to intervene or to pretend that I was +in no way connected with her.</p> + +<p>Paralysed by her arrival, I saw her +slowly take in the scene. Her eye +wandered from the policeman to me, +from me to the unfortunate girl to +whom I still clung. I could see her +jumping—no, moving ponderously—towards +the wrong conclusion.</p> + +<p>Mr. Punch, what would you have +done?</p> + +<p class="i5">Yours faithfully, An N.O.</p> + +<p>[Your first thought should have been +for the girl, whom you had clearly compromised +in your aunt's eyes. You should +at once have introduced her to that +lady as your long-lost <i>fiancée</i>. Later +in the afternoon you could have called +on your relative and told her that you +had mislaid the girl again—this time +irretrievably.—<span class="sc">Ed</span>.]</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page411" id="page411"></a>[pg 411]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/411.png"> +<img src="images/411-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE FOLLY OF ATHENS. +ATHENA (to her Owl). "SAY 'TINO'!" +THE OWL. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF WISDOM.""/></a> +<h4>THE FOLLY OF ATHENS.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Athena</span> (<i>to her Owl</i>). "SAY 'TINO'!"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Owl</span>. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF WISDOM."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page412" id="page412"></a>[pg 412]</span><br /></div> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page413" id="page413"></a>[pg 413]</span></div> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p><i>Monday, November 15th.</i>—To induce +the House of Lords to accept a measure +for the compulsory acquisition of land +is analogous to the process of getting +butter out of a dog's +mouth; and it is not +surprising that Lord +<span class="sc">Peel</span> essayed the task +of getting a second +reading for an Acquisition +of Lands Bill in +rather gingerly fashion. +When one remembered +a racy correspondence +in the +newspapers over certain +Midlothian farms +one could hardly have +been surprised if the +Laird of <span class="sc">Dalmeny</span> +had reappeared in the +arena, flourishing his +claymore. But, alas! +he still remains in retirement, +and it was +left to Lord <span class="sc">Sumner</span> +to administer some +sound legal thwacks +and, in his own words, +to "dispel the mirage +which the noble Viscount +raised over the +sand of a very arid +Bill." He did not oppose +the Second Reading, +but hinted that if +ever it emerged from Committee its +own draftsman would not know <a class="correction" title="missing period in original">it.</a></p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">President of the Board of +Trade</span> must regard Monday with rather +mixed feelings. That is the day on which +Questions addressed to his Department +have first place on the Order-paper; +and accordingly he has a lively quarter-of-an-hour +in coping with the contradictory +conundrums of Cobdenites and +Chamberlainites. On the whole he treads +the fiscal tight-rope with an imperturbability +worthy of <span class="sc">Blondin</span>. A Tariff Reformer, +indignant at the increased imports +of foreign glass-ware, provoked +the query, "Does my hon. friend regard +bottles as a key-industry?" And a Wee +Free Trader who sarcastically inquired +if foreign countries complained of our +dumping cement on them at prices +much above the cost in this country +was promptly told that "that is the +very reverse of dumping."</p> + +<div class="figright"> +<div class="w40"> +<a href="images/413-1.png"> +<img src="images/413-1-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS. +Conductor ADDISON (to Driver LAW). "WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET 'OME BY CHRISTMAS WITH ALL THEM PASSENGERS ON TOP? WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE I TOOK 'EM ON?""/></a> +<h4>THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS.</h4> + +<p><i>Conductor <span class="sc">Addison</span> (to Driver <span class="sc">Law</span>).</i> <span class="sc">"What, you can't get 'ome by Christmas +with all them passengers on top? Well, why didn't you tell me +before I took 'em on?"</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">Donald Maclean</span> was rewarded +to-night for all his uphill work as +leader of the Wee Frees before—and +since—Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith's</span> reappearance. On +the Financial Resolution of the Ministry +of Health Bill his eloquent plea for the +harassed ratepayers received an almost +suspiciously prompt response from Mr. +<span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, who admitted that it was +inconvenient to drive an "omnibus" +measure of this kind through an Autumn +Session, and intimated that thirteen of +its clauses would be jettisoned. An +appeal from Lady <span class="sc">Astor</span>, that the +Government should not "economise in +health," fell upon deaf ears. Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span> +not only enumerated the thirteen +doomed clauses, but threw in a fourteenth +for luck.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday, November 16th.</i>—I don't suppose +Lord <span class="sc">Crewe</span> and the other noble +Lords who enlarged upon the theme +"<i>Persicos odi</i>" expected to embarrass +the <span class="sc">Foreign Secretary</span> by their cross-questioning. +Persia is to Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> +what "de brier-patch" +was to <i>Brer Rabbit</i>. +He has been cultivating +it all his life, and +knows every twist and +turn of its complicated +history, ancient and +modern. The gist of +his illuminating lecture +to the Peers was +that our one aim had +been to maintain Persian +independence +with due regard to +British interests, and +that it now rested +with the Persians +themselves to decide +their own destiny.</p> + +<div class="figleft"> +<div class="w25"> +<a href="images/413-2.png"> +<img src="images/413-2-th.png" alt="BRER RABBIT IN HIS ELEMENT. +LORD CURZON."/></a> +<h4>BRER <a class="correction" title="original had 'RABBBIT'">RABBIT</a> IN HIS ELEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Lord Curzon.</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Hopes of a relaxation +of the passport +restrictions were a +little dashed by Mr. +<span class="sc">Harmsworth's</span> announcement +that the +fees received for British +visas amounted +to some fifty per cent. +more than the cost +of the staff employed. +The Government will +naturally be loth to +scrap a Department which actually +earns its keep.</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">War Minister</span> was again badgered +about the hundred Rolls-Royces +that he had ordered for Mesopotamia. +Now that we were contemplating withdrawal +was it necessary to have them? +To this Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> replied that the +new Arab State would still require our +assistance. A mental picture of the +sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobiles +<i>de luxe</i> presented itself to Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span>, +who gave notice that he should "reduce" +the Army Estimates by the +price of the chassis. A little later Mr. +<span class="sc">Churchill</span> came down heavily on an +innocent Coalitionist who had proffered +suggestions as to the better safeguarding +of the troops in Ireland. "Odd as +it may seem," he told him, "this +aspect of the question has engaged the +attention of the military authorities."</p> + +<p>In the course of debate on the Agricultural +Bill, Mr. <span class="sc">Acland</span> hinted that +Sir <span class="sc">F. Banbury</span>, one of its severest +critics, was out of touch with rural +affairs. Whereupon Mr. <span class="sc">Pretyman</span> +came to the rescue with the surprising +revelation that the junior Member for +the City of London, in addition to his +vocations as banker, stockbroker and +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page414" id="page414"></a>[pg 414]</span> +railway director, had on one occasion +carried out the functions of "shepherd +to a lambing flock." The right hon. +Baronet, who is known to his intimates +as "Peckham," will have Mr. <span class="sc">Pretyman</span> +to thank if his <i>sobriquet</i> in future +is "Little Bo-Peep."</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, November 17th.</i>—The +Lords, having welcomed the Bishop of +<span class="sc">Durham</span>—a notable addition to the oratorical +strength of the Episcopal Bench—proceeded +to show that even the lay +peers had not much to learn in the +matter of polite invective. Lord <span class="sc">Gainford</span> +invited them to declare that the +Government should forthwith reduce +its swollen Departmental staffs and incidentally +relieve our open spaces from +the eyesores that now +disfigure them. Perhaps +he laid overmuch +stress upon the latter +part of his motion, for +the Ministerial spokesman +rode off on this +line—Lord <span class="sc">Crawford</span> +confessing that his artistic +sensibility was +outraged by these "horrible +hutments"—and +said very little about +cutting down the staffs. +This way of treating the +matter dissatisfied the +malcontents, who voted +down the Ministry.</p> + +<div class="figright"> +<div class="w40"> +<a href="images/414.png"> +<img src="images/414-th.png" width="100%" alt="AMOR TRIUMPHANS. +(After the Pompeii mosaic.) +WITH MR. PUNCH'S BEST WISHES TO CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN."/></a> +<h4>AMOR TRIUMPHANS.</h4> + +<p class="center">(<i>After the Pompeii mosaic</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="sc">With Mr. Punch's best wishes to Captain Wedgwood Benn.</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The Front Opposition +Bench in the Commons +was almost deserted at +Question-time. Presently +the appearance +of Lieut.-Commander +<span class="sc">Kenworthy</span> in unusually +festive attire furnished +an explanation. +After forty years of +bachelorship and four +of fighting, <span class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</span> is Benedict +indeed; and his colleagues were +attending his wedding-festivities.</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Secretary to the Admiralty</span> +has not yet attained to the omniscience +in Naval affairs that his predecessor +acquired in the course of twelve years' +continuous occupancy of the post. But +Sir <span class="sc">James Craig</span> can handle an awkward +questioner no less deftly than +"Dr. <span class="sc">Mac.</span>" Witness his excuse for +not replying to a "Supplementary":—"The +hon. and gallant gentleman must +understand that I attach so much importance +to his questions that I wish +to be most punctilious in my answers." +Who could persist after that?</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> stated that the +treaties by which Great Britain and +France were responsible for constitutional +government in Greece came to +an end in August last. Consequently +the two Powers have "a completely +free hand" in regard to the Greek +Monarchy. But he begged to be excused +from saying in what manner that +"free hand" would bee used if <span class="sc">Tino</span> +should think of returning.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, November 18th.</i>—In the +Lords the Acquisition of Land Bill had +most of its teeth drawn. Lord <span class="sc">Sumner</span> +was the most adroit of the many +operators employed, and he used no +gas.</p> + +<p>The usual dreary duel of Nationalist +insinuation and Ministerial denial in regard +to Irish happenings was lightened +by one or two interludes. Mr. <span class="sc">Jack +Jones</span> loudly suggested that the Government +should send for General <span class="sc">Ludendorff</span> +to show them how to carry +out reprisals. "He is no friend of +<i>mine</i>," retorted the <span class="sc">Chief Secretary</span>, +with subtle emphasis. Later he read a +long letter from the C.-in-C. of the Irish +Republican Army to his Chief of Staff +discussing the possibility of enlisting +the germs of typhoid and glanders in +their noble fight for freedom. The +House listened with rapt attention until +Sir <span class="sc">Hamar</span> came to the pious conclusion, +"God bless you all." Amid the +laughter that followed this anti-climax +Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span> was heard to ask, "Was +not the whole thing concocted in Dublin +Castle?" Well, if so, Dublin Castle +must have developed a sense of humour +quite foreign to its traditions. Perhaps +that is the reason why the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>, +earlier in the Sitting, expressed +the opinion that "things in Ireland are +getting much better."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE BOOT MYSTERY.</h3> + +<p class="center">DRAMATIC SCENES AT BILBURY +QUARTER SESSIONS.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Counsel for Prosecution arrives from +London.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Proceedings.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Notes on the Leading Personalities in +the Great Drama.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Prisoner Adkins' Awkward Admission.</span></p> + +<p class="note">[Note.—The author is surprised, not to say +pained, at the conspiracy of silence on the +part of the daily Press, as a result of which +he is left to write this matter up himself. +However ...]</p> + +<p>A sombre court-house of Quarter +Sessions, the light with difficulty penetrating +the dusty panes of the windows. +On the so-called Bench +sits the Bench so-called; +in point of fact there +are half-a-dozen ripe +aldermen sitting on +chairs, in the midst of +which is an arm-chair, +and in it Mr. Augustus +Jones, the Recorder of +Bilbury.</p> + +<p>Born in 1873 of rich +but respectable parents; +called, with no uncertain +voice, to the Bar in +1894; of a weighty corpulence +and stormy visage, +Mr. Jones now settles +himself in his arm-chair +to hear and determine +all this business +about Absalom Adkins +and the Boots. How +admirably impressive is +Mr. Jones's typically +English absence of hysteria, +his calm, his restfulness. +Indeed, give +Mr. Jones five minutes +to himself and it is even +betting he would be fast asleep.</p> + +<p>The Clerk of the Court with awful +dignity suggests getting a move on. +Mr. <a class="correction" title="original had 'Blathwayte'">Blaythwayte</a> who, as well as Clerk +of the Court is also Town Clerk of Bilbury, +was born in 1850 and, having +survived the intervening years, now +demands the production of the prisoner +from below. Looking at this dignitary +one gets the poetic impression of a mass +of white hair, white moustache, white +whiskers, white beard and white wig, +with little bits of bright red face appearing +in between. From a crevice +in one of these patches come the ominous +words, of which we catch but a +sample or two: "... Prisoner at the +bar ... for that you did ... steal, +take and carry away ... pairs of +boots ... of our Lord the King, his +crown and dignity."</p> + +<p>At this moment there arrives in court +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page415" id="page415"></a>[pg 415]</span> +a sinister figure wearing the wig and +gown so much affected by the English +Bar. Plainly a man of character and of +moment; obviously selected with great +care for this highly difficult and delicate +matter. His features are sharp, clean-cut. +One feels that they have been +sharpened and cut clean this very morning. +In his hand he holds the fateful +brief, pregnant with damnatory facts. +He makes his way into the pen reserved +"For Counsel only." The usher locks +him in for safety's sake.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Persons in the Drama (so far).</span></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Augustus Jones.</i> Recorder. Born in <a class="correction" title="missing period in original">1873.</a></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Joseph K. Blaythwayte.</i> Clerk of the +Court. Born in 1850.</p> + +<p><i>Absalom Adkins</i>, of uncertain age, supposed +boot-fancier.</p> + +<p><i>Our Lord the King</i>, whose peace, crown and +dignity are reported to have been rudely disturbed +by the alleged activities of Absalom +Adkins.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Who is this strong silent man, this +robed counsellor trusted with the case +of the Crown? Who is it? It is I! +Born in the year—but if I'm to tell +my life story it's a thousand pounds I +want. Make it guineas and I will include +portraits of self and relations, +with place of birth, inset.</p> + +<p>The scenario (or do we mean the +scene?) is now complete. Leading +characters, minor characters, chorus, +supernumeraries and I myself are all on +the stage. Absalom Adkins, clad in a +loose-fitting corduroy lounge suit and his +neck encased in a whitish kerchief, rises +from his seat. Mr. Jones, the Recorder, +does much as he was doing before—nothing +in particular. Counsel for the +prosecution re-reads his brief, underlines +the significant points, forgets that +his pencil is a blue one and licks it. On +a side-table, impervious to their surroundings +and apparently unconcerned +with their significance, sit the crucial +boots.</p> + +<p>"How say you, Absalom Adkins"—such +the concluding words of the +Clerk, the finish of the prologue which +rings up the curtain on this human +drama—"how say you? Are you +guilty or not guilty?"</p> + +<p>"Guilty," says Absalom, and that +ends it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Later a large and enthusiastic crowd +outside (had there been one) might have +seen a man with clean and sharp-cut +features carrying a bag in one hand +and an umbrella in the other, stepping +lightly on to a Bilbury corporation tram, +station bound. This is the counsel for +the prosecution (still me), his grave +responsibilities honourably discharged, +hurrying back to the vortex of metropolitan +life.</p> +<p class="author">F. O. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/415.png"> +<img src="images/415-th.png" width="100%" alt="Vicar. "I UNDERSTAND FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS HEARING BETTER WITH THIS EAR." +Darby. "EH, WHAT? WHAT'S 'E SAY, JOAN?" +Joan. "'E SAYS 'E UNDERSTANDS FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOU'RE 'EARING BETTER WITH THAT THERE.""/></a><br /> +<p><i>Vicar.</i> <span class="sc">"I understand from the doctor that your husband is hearing better with this ear."</span></p> + +<p><i>Darby.</i> <span class="sc">"Eh, what? What's 'e say, Joan?"</span></p> + +<p><i>Joan.</i> <span class="sc">"'E says 'e understands from the doctor that you're 'earing better with that there."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a stores catalogue:—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"<span class="sc">The —— Wringer.</span></p> + +<p>Guaranteed for one year—Fair wear and +tear excepted."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>There is always a catch somewhere.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"A consignment of Rumanian eggs has +arrived in this country. This shipment, which +is the first to arrive since the war closed this +source of supply in 1914, consists of 100 cases, +each containing 1914 eggs."—<i>Scots Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Referring, we trust, to the number and +not the vintage.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Contracts, Tenders</span>, &c.</p> + +<p class="center">The Great Northern Railway Company.</p> + +<div class="tabcenter"> +<table summary="Allegro moderato Notturno from String Quartet, No. 2, in D by Borodine"> +<tr> +<td>Allegro moderato<br />Notturno ............</td> +<td class="bigbrace">}</td> +<td>from String<br />Quartet, No. 2,<br />in D</td> +<td class="bigbrace">}</td> +<td>Borodine.</td> +</tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">stores contracts.</span>"</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>It is generally supposed that the company +entertains the idea of attempting +to "soothe the savage breast" of the +<span class="sc">Minister of Transport</span>.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page416" id="page416"></a>[pg 416]</span></div> + +<h2>THE LETTERS I NEVER POST.</h2> + +<p><i>I met a philosopher the other day—he +is not a philosopher by profession, +but an architect—who told me that, +when annoyed by the anomalies and +petty red-tape restrictions of life or irritated +by incompetence and incivility, or +even when he feels that he can amend +somebody else's error or propose an improvement, +it is his habit to write a +letter expressing his indignation or embodying +his suggestions.</i></p> + +<p><i>After remarking that he must be kept +very busy I asked him what kind of +replies he got.</i></p> + +<p>"<i>Oh, I don't get any replies," he said, +"because, you see, I don't send the letters; +I only write them and then I tear +them up.</i>"</p> + +<p><i>This is how I knew that he was a +philosopher.</i></p> + +<p><i>I propose to take to philosophy myself.</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Taxi-Driver.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—(You must understand, +as must all the people that I address +in these epistles, that by "dear" I do +not necessarily imply any affection. I +employ the word because I am too old +to care about breaking down harmless +conventions; but I might claim in the +present connection that it has more +than one meaning. That indeed you +will see, if you read on, is the main +point of this letter.)—Dear Sir, then, +you may remember me. I am the fare +who hailed you on your rank at the +corner of Fulham Road and Drayton +Gardens last Tuesday evening at a +quarter to six, and told you to drive to +the Marble Arch. You put down the +flag and then jumped off the box to +wind up the starter. It failed, and after +several attempts you had to examine +the machinery. I suppose that six +minutes were occupied in this way, +whether because you are a bad mechanic +or a careless fellow or because +the engine is defective, I cannot say; +all I know is that I was in a hurry and +that the flag was down, but we were not +moving. If you had not put the flag +down I should have got out and taken +another cab; but I felt that that would +be unfair to you. When, however, at +the end of the journey I paid you +without adding any tip, and you received +the money with an offensive +grunt, I wished that I had been less +considerate.</p> + +<p>It is because nothing that I could +have said then, in your horrid hostile +mood, would have convinced you that +there is any injustice to a fare at all in +putting down your flag before you are +properly started, that I am writing this +letter. My hope is that quiet perusal +may demonstrate that the fare has, at +any rate, a grain of logic on his side if +he looks upon himself as defrauded. +We don't, you know, take your cabs +for the joy of sitting in them, or for the +pleasure of watching you struggling +with a crank, but to be conveyed quickly +from place to place. It is wrong to ask +us to pay for the time spent by you in +persuading your engine to behave, and +it is indecent to become abusive when +we act on that assumption. If I had not +been so busy I should have refused to +pay at all and forced you to summon +me; but who has time for such costly +formalities? And I might have had +to lose my temper, which I have not +done (much) since I read an article by +a doctor saying that every such loss +means an abbreviation of life. Life in +a world made fit for heroes may not be +any great catch, but it is better, at any +rate, than passing to a region where +one is apparently liable to be in constant +communication with mediums.</p> + +<p>One other thing. I have just returned +from Paris, where, amid much +that is unsatisfactory and besmirched +by Peace, taxis remain trustworthy and +plentiful. The price marked on the +meter is that which the fare pays, and +any number of persons may ride in the +cab without extra charge. Nothing +exceeds my scorn for the English taxi-driver +who demands another ninepence +for an additional passenger, even though +only a child—nothing except my scorn +for the cowardly official who conceded +this monstrous imposition.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To an Administrator.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—May I implore you to +authorise the instant removal of the +buildings in the St. James's Park lake? +During the War we who find on the +suspension bridge, looking West, the +most beautiful late afternoon view in +London, were content to endure the +invasion. But we have passed the +second Armistice Day, and still the +huts remain, and still there is no water, +and still the enchanted prospect is +denied us. After all, this lake is part +of London, and London ratepayers +should be entitled to their city's beauties +as well as its necessities.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Pretty Girl.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">My Dear</span>,—I want you to be a little +more merciful. The other day, when +your father, over the eggs and bacon, +was reading out the news from Greece, +with the defeat of <span class="sc">Venizelos</span>, you said +lightly that exile didn't matter very +much because <span class="sc">Venizelos</span> was a very +old man. You then returned to the +absorbing occupation of identifying +Society people, reading from left to +right. Now <span class="sc">Venizelos</span> is fifty-five +years of age, and I cannot allow the +term "very old" to be applied to him +without protest; I am too nearly his +contemporary. "Getting on," if you +like, "mature," "ripe," but not "very +old." You must keep that phrase for +the people who—well, who <i>are</i> very old.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Haberdasher.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—When I came to put on +the collar that I bought from you yesterday +(I am the tallish customer who +takes sixteen and a half by two and was +in a hurry to get home to dress) I found +that your young man's finger-marks +were on it. Why don't you make your +assistants wear gloves when they handle +collars?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Minister of Religion.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Your Far-from-serene Gloominess</span>,—Won't +you one day be a little cheerful, +and wrong? Won't you send out +a lifeboat to the wreck instead of watching +her through your smoked field-glasses +as she sinks? What you seem +to forget is that most people at times +are their own Gloomy Deans: some of us +too often; and there can be too much of +a good thing. Hopelessness butters no +parsnips and it is a mood not to be +encouraged or the world would be as +bad as we then think it. Gloomy-deaniness, +though salutary for brief intervals, +should be sparingly indulged +in; but you are at it all the time. There +is a Chinese proverb which says, "If +you can't smile don't open a shop;" +and, after all, St. Paul's Cathedral is in +a manner of speaking a kind of shop, +isn't it?—the goods, at any rate, should +be obtainable there. The phrase "there +is no health in us" does not constitute +the whole liturgy. Down with facile +optimists by all means, but, my dear +Sir——</p> +<p class="author">E. V. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Ermine.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The ermine is not quite as grand as he sounds;</p> +<p>As a rule he is shot if he comes in the grounds;</p> +<p>You have seen him about by the mulberry-tree,</p> +<p>Though I very much doubt if you knew it was he.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He is shot with a gun and hung up by the throat,</p> +<p>For the ermine, my son, is the same as the stoat;</p> +<p>So when Auntie has got just a little more ermine</p> +<p>You can tell her (or not) she is covered with vermin.</p> + </div> </div> +<p class="author">A. P. H.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Col. —— was unable to be present, and +altogether the event was highly successful."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page417" id="page417"></a>[pg 417]</span></div> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/417.png"> +<img src="images/417-th.png" width="100%" alt="First Pugilist. "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT." +Second Pugilist. "WELL, WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO ABOUT IT?" +First Pugilist. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'LL DO ABOUT IT—FOR A PURSE OF TEN THOUSAND POUNDS AND THE CINEMA RIGHTS.""/></a><br /> +<p><i>First Pugilist.</i> <span class="sc">"You're standing on my foot."</span></p> + +<p><i>Second Pugilist.</i> <span class="sc">"Well, what do you propose to do about it?"</span></p> + +<p><i>First Pugilist.</i> <span class="sc">"I'll show you what I'll do about it—for a purse of ten thousand pounds and the cinema rights."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p>MORE NOTES FROM A SYNTHETIC COUNTRY DIARY.</p> + +<p><i>November 20th.</i>—I have been much struck this morning +by a remarkable instance of protective mimicry on the +part of a grey squirrel, which assumes attitudes and adopts +gestures which at a little distance render him almost indistinguishable +from a small monkey. <span class="sc">White's</span> <i>Selborne</i> throws +no light on this strange phenomenon, which I can only +explain as a result on the animal world of the now fashionable +<i>Tarzan</i> cult, which so happily reconciles the old hostility +between apes and angels.</p> + +<p>Of the habits and customs of the hedgehog mention has +already been made in these notes. It may be added that +the whistle which these interesting creatures emit from time +to time resembles the <i>timbre</i> of a muted piccolo, and their +employment in a mixed orchestra is well worth the consideration +of our younger and more enterprising composers. +Another animal which shares with the hedgehog the defensive +faculty of rolling itself up in a ball is the "pill +millipede," a myriopod with seventeen pairs of legs, but +fortunately exempt from the necessity of wearing trousers, +which at present prices would impose an exorbitant demand +on its resources.</p> + +<p>As winter draws on the evolutions of birds great and +small are a never-ending source of surprise and delight. +Many hooded crows are now to be seen consorting with the +rooks in the field and swelling the sable multitude that +flies at evensong towards the park trees. And great congregations +of plovers, curiously self-sufficing in their ability +to dispense with the services of any feathered parson, lend +colour and subconscious uplift to marshland scenes, which +would otherwise look extremely <i>triste</i>.</p> + +<p>Small indigenous birds, such as titmice, chipmunks, pipits +and squinches, are constantly seen in coveys or even bevies +just now. A party of pipwinks visited my copse yesterday +afternoon, and indulged in delicious <i>morceaux</i> of melody +before the red sun sank starkly below the horizon....</p> + +<p>As long as the weather remains open I find it a good +plan to plant flowers and shrubs which bloom in the spring. +Proticipation is a cardinal asset in the outfit of the judicious +gardener, and no time should be lost in completing the +spring beds, as the cost of hair-mattresses is going up by +leaps and bounds.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Plague of Dots.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There are decimal dots which we can't do without</p> +<p>In spite of Lord <span class="sc">Randolph's</span> historical flout;</p> +<p>There are dots too, with dashes combined, in the mode</p> +<p>Familiar in Morse's beneficent code;</p> +<p>While some British parents good reasons advance</p> +<p>In favour of "<i>dots</i>" as they're managed in France.</p> +<p>But as for the writers disdainful of plots</p> +<p>Who pepper their pages with plentiful dots,</p> +<p>They must not complain if the critics of prose</p> +<p>Disapprove of a practice which savours of pose,</p> +<p>And, searching around for an adequate <span title="Greek: hoti">ὅτι</span>,</p> +<p>Proclaim it a sign of a brain that is dotty.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>From an article on "Back to Germany":—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"The quiet, old-fashioned restaurants, where in the old days I have +seen field-marshals' batons hanging up in the cloak-room, know +them no more."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Nowadays the German Field-Marshal takes his baton into +the dining-room to stir his soup.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page418" id="page418"></a>[pg 418]</span></div> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Will You Kiss Me?</span>"</p> + +<p>Even before the era of Prohibition +(there were cocktails in this play) +strange things must have happened in +"God's own country" under the banner +of the Bird of Freedom. But never so +strange as the effects you get on the +stage when very English people play +at being Americans. You have to be +rather young and unsophisticated if such +phrases as "He's putting it over on us," +or "I'm not going to stand for that," +generously peppered about the dialogue +and recited in the purest of English +accents, can persuade you to believe +that you are getting the real local +stuff. At the same time you accept +cheerfully the most farcical conditions +on the vague assumption +that all things may be possible +over there.</p> + +<p>So, when <i>John W. Brook</i>, of Fifth +Avenue, millionaire, engaged the +services of <i>Alexander Y. Hedge</i>, +plenipotentiary representative of +an Efficiency Company, to introduce +economic reforms into his +motherless household during his +temporary absence, we regarded it +as a most reasonable experiment. +And for a time it made excellent +fun. But after a while it began to +wear thin for lack of fresh stimulus, +and by the end of the Second +Act there was a general feeling in +the audience that something would +have to be done about it.</p> + +<p>The same thought seems to have +occurred to Mr. <span class="sc">Cyril Harcourt</span>, +the author, and he started, a little +late in the day, to introduce an +element of sex-romance into what +so far had been an absolutely +bloodless proposition. But at first +it was with sinister intent that +<i>Brook's</i> elder daughter made advances +to <i>Alexander Y. Hedge</i>. As soon as she +could induce this monster of inhumanity +to become a prey to her charm she +would repulse him with scorn, and +then he would have to go.</p> + +<p>The children's allowances having been +cut off on the ground that they did +nothing to earn them, she offered her +services as his paid secretary. "Propinquity" +did its work and she was +soon in a position to offer him the +privilege of an experimental kiss, thus +incidentally justifying the dreadful title +of the play.</p> + +<p>The first, delivered on the cheek, was +a wash-out; but the second, pressed +home on the lips, had the desired effect. +Then she turned and rent him, telling +him exactly what she thought of his +treatment of the family. He replied +with an eloquent philippic directed at +the vices of a bloated aristocracy (this +was the ante-bellum age, before things +had been made so much safer for democracy). +Almost before the applause of +the gallery had died down, the father +burst upon the scene, furious at the report +that this hired commercial had +been making love to his daughter.</p> + +<div class="figleft"> +<div class="w30"> +<a href="images/418.png"> +<img src="images/418-th.png" width="100%" alt="STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY. +Horace, the Butler (MR. C. V. FRANCE) lengthens his stride in obedience to +Alexander Y. Hedge (MR. DONALD CALTHROP)."/></a> +<h4>STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY.</h4> + +<p><i>Horace, the Butler</i> (<span class="sc">Mr. C. V. France</span>) lengthens his +stride in obedience to</p> + +<p><i>Alexander Y. Hedge</i> (<span class="sc">Mr. Donald Calthrop</span>).</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Explanations follow which appease +his wrath, and he is further mollified by +the statement that the Master of Efficiency +had cut down the expenses of +his <i>ménage</i> by some nineteen thousand +dollars. But why, when his feats of +economy had all the time been the +matter of his offence in the children's +eyes, the announcement of the total +should have favourably affected the +girl's heart I cannot say, and I don't +think anybody else can. Yet the fact +remains that the next moment she +undertakes to marry the object of her +previous loathing.</p> + +<p>To have arrived naturally at such an +end would have meant a couple more +Acts, in which the man <i>Hedge</i> might +have had time to live down the evil +effects of his efficiency. But with so +much economy in the air the author +appears to have caught the infection +of it and economised in his processes +to save our time. That is the kindest +excuse I can find for him.</p> + +<p>As for the moral, it would seem to +be that, if (as is more than probable) +you have no copy of the works of +<span class="sc">Aristotle</span> in your Fifth Avenue library, +and imagine, never having heard of the +happy mean, that virtue lies in one of +two excesses—an excess of idle luxury +or an excess of efficiency—the former +is the one to choose.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Donald Calthrop</span> as <i>Hedge</i> +bore the burden of the play with a high +hand that had a very sure touch. It +was extraordinary with what alertness +and confidence he commanded every +situation—except, of course, the absurd +climax which nobody could hope to +handle. Mr. <span class="sc">C. V. France</span>, as the English +butler (ex-clergyman) who had +taken a long time to learn how to disfigure +his aspirates (out of deference to +the American legend), gave a very fresh +and attractive performance. Some of +the best things in the dialogue—not +always very humorous—were given +to little <i>Alice Brook</i> (aged 14), one +of those precocities for which +America has always held the +world's record. I don't know, and +should not think of asking, Miss +<span class="sc">Ann Trevor's</span> age, but she looked +to me a little old for the part of +this child, however precocious. +Miss <span class="sc">Marjorie Gordon</span> played +with intelligence as the elder sister, +but never for a moment suggested +a New York atmosphere. Indeed +she adopted just the mincing kind +of speech which out there is held +to bewray the "Britisher." The +only performance that made any +real pretence of being American was +that of Mr. <span class="sc">Turnbull</span> as the manager +of the Efficiency Company.</p> + +<p>Still, after all, local colour is no +great matter so long as you get +some recognisable aspect, though +farcically presented, of human nature; +but the trouble with this +play is that while our sense of the +probabilities is never too much +outraged so long as the chief character +is just a piece of inhuman +machinery, the author lapses into +the incredible the moment he tries to +introduce a little humanity into his +scheme. However, I have perhaps +taken things too seriously, instead of +being properly grateful for some very +good entertainment.</p> +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Fashions for Men.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Miss —— takes Orders for Knitted Skirts, +Jerseys, and Hats to match. Also, Gent.'s +Cardigan Coats and Hand-Painted Blouses."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Scots Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Rev. W. E. —— based the subject of +his discourse on 'The Foolish Virgins.' A +large number were present."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>South African Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We trust they were edified.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The discovery of Saturn's rings was made +by Galileo in 1610 through his little refractory +telescope."—<i>Welsh Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The difficulty with this kind of instrument +is to make it shut up.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page419" id="page419"></a>[pg 419]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/419.png"> +<img src="images/419-th.png" width="100%" alt="EXCITING EXPERIENCE OF A NEW M.F.H. WHO HAS BEEN ADVISED BY A FRIEND THAT HE SHOULD ALWAYS, WHEN GOING INTO KENNELS, FILL HIS POCKETS WITH BISCUITS."/></a> +<h4>EXCITING EXPERIENCE OF A NEW M.F.H. WHO HAS BEEN ADVISED BY A FRIEND THAT HE SHOULD +ALWAYS, WHEN GOING INTO KENNELS, FILL HIS POCKETS WITH BISCUITS.</h4> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p>Inevitably one's first thought on sighting <i>A Naval +History of the War</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>) is that he +must be a brave skipper indeed who would take out a lone +ship, however excellently found, to cruise such controversial +waters. But Sir <span class="sc">Henry Newbolt</span> is an experienced hand, +and, though (so to speak) one finds him at times conscious +of Sir <span class="sc">Julian Corbett</span> on the sky-line, he brings off his +self-appointed task triumphantly. To drop metaphor, here +is a temperate and clearly-written history, midway between +the technical and the popular, of a kind precisely +suited to the plain man who wishes a comprehensive <i>résumé</i> +of the course of the War at sea. For this purpose its +arrangement is admirable, the story being presented first +in a general survey under dates, then in special chapters +devoted to episodes or aspects, <i>e.g.</i>, Coronel and the Falklands +(that unmatchable drama of disaster and revenge), +the submarines and their countering, and finally Jutland. +Throughout, as I have said, Sir <span class="sc">Henry</span>, having one of the +best stories in the world to tell, is at pains to avoid anything +that even remotely approaches fine writing. Only +once have I even detected the literary man, when, in describing +the strange finish of the <i>Königsberg</i>, he permits himself +the pleasure of calling it "the sea fight in the forest." For +the rest, the "strength and splendour" of England's greatest +naval war are left to make their own impression. I shall +be astonished if such a book, having figured brilliantly as a +present this Christmas, is not treasured for generations as +a work of family reference in hundreds of British homes.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The name of Mrs. <span class="sc">Belloc Lowndes</span> on the outside would +alone have made me open <i>From the Vasty Deep</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) +with a pleasant anticipation of creepiness, even +without the generous measure of bogies depicted on the +coloured wrapper. Having now read the story, I am bound +to add (and I can only hope that Mrs. <span class="sc">Lowndes</span> will take +my admission for the compliment that it really is) that the +net result has been one of slight disappointment. Briefly, +I continue to prefer the writer as a criminal, rather than a +psychic, "Fat Boy." After all, once grant your ghost and +anyone can conjure it, with appropriate circumstance, at +the proper moments. Wyndfell Hall was full enough of +ghosts, all ready to appear at the voluntary or involuntary +instance of a young lady named <i>Bubbles</i>, who was one of +the Christmas house-party and the owner of a rather uncomfortable +gift of spook-raising. But beyond making +themselves an occasional nuisance to the guests I couldn't +find that the phantoms did anything practical to help along +such plot as there was. Even the quite palpable fact that +the host was at least a double murderer came to proof by +the ordinary process of law rather than by any supernatural +revelation. Before this I have gratefully owed to Mrs. +<span class="sc">Lowndes</span> the raising of my remaining hairs like quills upon +the fretful porcupine, but the ca'-canny bogies of her present +story are too perfunctory to excuse even a shiver in any but +the most unsophisticated reader.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It may, I suppose, be accounted for righteousness to +Major-General Sir <span class="sc">Archibald Anson</span> that in <i>About Others +and Myself</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>) he is so little of an egotist as to +convey scarcely any impression of what manner of man he +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page420" id="page420"></a>[pg 420]</span> +is or what he thinks of this or that. Much more clear +from her quoted letters is the character of his grandmother, +who vainly tried to keep the over-gallant First Gentleman +of Europe out of mischief. Our autobiographer gives us a +plain, blunt, not to say bald record of what must have been +an interesting life. He was at Eton under <span class="sc">Keate</span>; a +cadet at Woolwich, where he saw a gunner receive two +hundred lashes; a gunnery subaltern in the Crimea, where +he saw many queer and unedifying things; a successful +administrator in Madagascar, Mauritius and Penang, and +finally Governor of the Straits Settlements, with a K.C.M.G. +and honourable retirement to follow. But he is a man of +action rather than words, and his faculty of observation is +but too often exercised upon such slender matters as that +"Poor Captain Powlett met with a misfortune on the way +to Kedah. His servant laid the +dinner things on the deck of the +gunboat, then went below for +something and, coming up again, +accidentally walked into the middle +of the crockery and glass, +causing considerable destruction." +Also, I think he quotes +his testimonials—those never +very candid and always very dull +documents—much too freely. +The best of the book is concerned +with his administration +work in Penang and district, +where on the evidence he seems +to have kept his end up with +skill and no small zeal for good +government.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The title of Lady (<span class="sc">Laura</span>) +<span class="sc">Troubridge's</span> new novel, <i>O Perfect +Love</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), applies to +her V. C. hero only; with his +wife it is a case of O Very Imperfect +Love. <i>Jean Chartres</i> is a +common product of the age, the +sort of girl that insists on "having +a good time" and "living her +life" and "being herself" (how +well one knows the jargon!). +Less common, let us hope, is +the woman who would desert +her husband, as <i>Jean</i> did, because +the injuries he had received +in the War prevented him from giving her the kind of +life for which she craved. Foolish rather than vicious, she +drifts into a relationship which could have had only one +conclusion, if her lover, tiring of platonics, had not prematurely +pressed his demands. Thoroughly scared by his +violence she runs away and finds sanctuary with the "perfect +love" of the title. In this happy solution she had +better fortune than she deserved. It is not every woman +who has the good luck, when rushing blindly out of the +House of Peril into the wintry night (in a ball-dress), to +find—what had apparently escaped <i>Jean's</i> memory for the +moment—that her faithful husband's estate is in the immediate +neighbourhood. Though Lady <span class="sc">Troubridge's</span> sense of +style is not impeccable she can tell a good tale; her dialogue +rings true and her characters are well observed. The +trouble with most authors of Society novels is that either +they know their subject but can't write, or that they can +write but know nothing of their subject. Lady <span class="sc">Troubridge</span> +is one of the very few writers in this kind who both know +their world and how to portray it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">B. Bennion</span> follows the vogue for confidentially descriptive +covers in announcing, as a title to his volume of +angling reminiscences, that <i>The Trout are Rising in England +and South Africa</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) and suggesting that here is "a book +for slippered ease." One is certainly warned not to expect +anything very strenuous in its course, and indeed so placidly +flow its waters that few, perhaps, but devotees of the craft +will follow it to the end. Not but what there are metaphorical +trout in it, too—enticing descriptions of bits of +rivers, for instance—but on the whole they are easy-going +fish that come to bank without showing very much +sporting spirit. Here is no manual of precise information, +though even old fishermen may gather a hint or two; nor +yet a guide-book to the trout-streams of two continents; +not even a collection of good stories, though anyone may +come across some old friends in +it. The author's yarns indeed +are numerous and, on the whole, +as an angler's yarns should be, +picturesque. If he does seem to +enjoy the rather feeble joke or +incident as much as the other +sort, that may be natural in a +book of ease, whether slippered +or not. Indeed one half suspects +it is as a book for his own +ease that the writer is mainly +considering it, yet, taken in the +right spirit and especially if you +are an enticer of trout, it may +be for your ease too. Of course, +if you are not an angler and if +your spirit is not right, the +slipper may not fit.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In the course of a long study +of detective fiction I have never +met any sleuths with a gift of +loquacity like that of <i>Messrs. +Corson</i> and <i>Gibbs</i>, who during +the first part of <i>In the Onyx +Lobby</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>) +make futile efforts to trace the +murderer of <i>Sir Herbert Binney</i>, +proprietor of Binney's Buns. +<i>Sir Herbert</i> had gone to New +York to persuade his nephew +to become the manager of an +American branch of a Binney +Bun factory, and, on returning late at night to his apartment-house, +was stabbed to death. Fortunately Miss +<span class="sc">Carolyn Wells</span> seems to have grown as tired of them as +I did, and they give way to one <i>Pennington Wise</i> (whose +name did not prepossess me in his favour) and his assistant, +<i>Zizi</i>. This couple have the authentic sleuth-touch, and +their detection of those implicated in the murder is a very +ingenious piece of work. There is so much padding in this +book that if <i>Sir Herbert</i> had worn a tithe of it no stabber +could even have scratched him; but with judicious skipping +it will wile away two or three idle hours. And, as I +said, the solution is a really skilful piece of work.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/420.png"> +<img src="images/420-th.png" width="100%" alt=""I 'EAR SHE'S 'AD A LEGACY O' TWENTY POUNDS LEFT 'ER." +"YES, SHE 'AS. BUT ONE GOOD THING ABOUT 'ER IS, 'ER WEALTH AIN'T SPOILT 'ER.""/></a><br /> +<p><span class="sc">"I 'ear she's 'ad a legacy o' twenty pounds left 'er."</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">"Yes, she 'as. But one good thing about 'er is, 'er +wealth ain't spoilt 'er."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p>Extract from an account of the unveiling of the portrait +of Mr. ——, M.P.:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"It was a happy idea to unveil the portrait in a darkened room."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>But after the <span class="sc">Leverhulme-John</span> episode we ought to +have been told whose was the happy idea, the artist's or +the sitter's?</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, November 24, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20392-h.htm or 20392-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/3/9/20392/ + +Produced by gvb, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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