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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 01:22:53 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 01:22:53 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/20392-8.txt b/20392-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..513916f --- /dev/null +++ b/20392-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2365 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +November 24, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 24, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 18, 2007 [EBook #20392] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by gvb, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +The original has a number of inconsistent spellings and punctuation. +Five corrections have been made for obvious typographical errors; these, +as well as one doubtful spelling, have been noted individually in the +text. All notes are surrounded by braces {}. + +Text in italics in the original is shown between _underlines_; +superscript (one instance in this book) is marked by a caret (^). + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 159 + + + +NOVEMBER 24, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +No sooner had the League of Nations met at Geneva than news came of the +pending retirement of Mr. CHARLIE CHAPLIN. We never seem to be able to +keep more than one Great Idea going at a time. + + * * * + +"Have you read Mrs. Asquith's Book?" asks an evening paper +advertisement. "What book?" may we ask. + + * * * + +"In our generation," says Dean INGE, "there are no great men." It is +said that Sir ERIC GEDDES will not take this lying down. + + * * * + +Since the Gloomy Dean's address at Wigmore Hall it is suggested that the +world should be sold to defray expenses while there is yet time. + + * * * + +"What is wanted to-day," says Mr. H. M. RIODEN, "is a Destruction of +Pests Bill." "Jaded Householder" writes to say that when this becomes +law anybody can have the name of his rate-collector. + + * * * + +"M. RHALLIS, the new Greek Premier," says _The Evening News_, "is a +regular reader of _The Daily Mail_." We had felt all along he was one of +us. + + * * * + +"Dendrology," says a contemporary, "is an admirable pursuit for +women." We seem to remember, however, that one of the earliest female +arboriculturists made a sad mess of it. + + * * * + +According to the U.S.A. Bureau of Standards the pressure of the jaw +during mastication is eleven tons to the square inch. If this is +propaganda work on behalf of the United States' bacon industry we regard +it as particularly crude. + + * * * + +A Sioux City millionaire is said to have paid two hundred pounds for a +goat. He claims that it is the only thing in Iowa that has whiskers and +isn't thirsty. + + * * * + +"Mr. Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, has just visited +Edinburgh, his birthplace, after an absence of fifty years," says a news +item. We can only say that if he invented _our_ telephone he had reason +to keep away. + + * * * + +"After all," says an evening paper, "the Coalition is only human." _The +Times_, however, is not quite so sure about it. + + * * * + +It is said that Mr. BOTTOMLEY is about to make a powerful announcement +to the effect that the present year will be nearly all over by +Christmas. + + * * * + +In connection with the Ministry of Health Bill, we read, not a penny +of additional expenditure or expense will fall on the ratepayer or +taxpayer. People are now wondering whether the Government thought of +that one themselves. + + * * * + +Balls made of newspapers soaked in oil are said to be a good substitute +for coal. It seems as if newspapers are determined to get a good +circulation somehow. + + * * * + +Cars that run into four figures were to be seen at many stands at the +recent Motor Show. In the ordinary way motor-cars run into as many +figures as get in their way. + + * * * + +It appears that the man who was knocked down in Charing Cross Road by +a motor-scooter was one of the middle class, and so could not afford to +have it done properly by a motor-car. + + * * * + +It is rumoured that a Radical paper is about to offer a prize of one +hundred pounds for the best design for a _Daily Mail_ halo. + + * * * + +A man charged at the Guildhall admitted that he had been convicted +sixty-seven times. Indeed it is understood that he has only to say +"Season" to be admitted to any police-court. + + * * * + +"Pussyfoot beaten," announces a headline. We hear, however, that he +intends to have another try when the water-rate is not quite so high. + + * * * + +A Streatham youth has been fined ten shillings for causing a disturbance +by imitating a cat at night. He said everything would have gone off well +if somebody had not made a noise like a policeman. + + * * * + +"All men are cowards," declares a lady-writer in a weekly journal. Still +it should be remembered that one of us married the lady who is now known +as "Mrs. Grundy." + + * * * + +In describing a storm a local paper recently stated that waves seventy +feet high lashed themselves to fury against the rocks. We have always +been given to understand that waves never exceed fifteen feet, but we +suppose everything has gone up since the War. + + * * * + +"When is the Government going to commence operations in connection +with the Channel Tunnel?" asks a correspondent in a daily paper. We +understand that unless the English homing rabbit, recently released at +Calais, puts in an appearance on this side once again, the idea will be +abandoned as impracticable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SHALL I DUST THE BRICKY-BRACK, MUM?" + +"NOT TO-DAY, NORAH. I DON'T THINK WE CAN AFFORD IT."] + + * * * * * + + HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS. + + "Head Laundress wanted, titled lady." + + _Irish Paper._ + +This is what results from washing dirty linen in public. + + * * * * * + + "L'AMITIÉ FRANCO-ANGLAISE + + UN TÉLÉGRAMME DU ROI GEORGE I^ER À M. MILLERAND." + + _Le Figaro._ + +The attention of the POSTMASTER-GENERAL should be drawn to the unusually +long delay in delivery. + + * * * * * + + "The Rat Catcher then said 'Look behind.' I looked behind, and + there on the seat was strapped a larger cake. This contained 145 + live rodents."--_Local Paper._ + +And now the pie with the four-and-twenty blackbirds must also take a +back seat. + + * * * * * + +BELLES OF THE BALL. + +A football eleven composed of work-girls from a Lancashire factory +recently journeyed to Paris to play a team of French female footballers. +With women forcing an entry into the ranks of minor professions, such +as the Law and Politics, it is doubtful if even the sacred precincts of +professional football can now be considered safe, and Mr. Punch wonders +if he may soon find himself reading in the Sporting Columns of the Press +paragraphs something in the nature of the following:-- + +Kitty Golightly, who has the reputation of being one of the fastest +young women seen in London this season, has now definitely thrown in +her lot with the Tottenham Hotstuff. Her forward work is likely to cause +something in the nature of a sensation. + + * * * + +The dropping of Hilda Smith from the League team of Newcastle United has +been much criticised by football enthusiasts throughout the country. We +are, however, in a position to state that there has been trouble between +Hilda Smith and the Newcastle Directors for some time past. It appears +that Newcastle's brilliant full-back objected to wearing the Newcastle +jersey, on the plea that its sombre colour-scheme did not suit +her complexion. She pointed out that Fanny Robinson, the Newcastle +goal-keeper, wore an all-red jersey and that, as the shade chosen was +most becoming to anyone with dark hair, she (Hilda Smith) claimed the +right to wear red also. The Newcastle Directors replied that under the +laws of the Football Association the goal-keeper is required to wear +distinctive colours from the rest of the team. That being so, Hilda +Smith would only consent to turn out in future on condition that she +should play in goal, and as the club management would not agree to +displacing Fanny Robinson the only thing to be done was to leave Hilda +Smith out of the side entirely. + + * * * + +What would have been a very serious misfortune to the team chosen to +represent England in the forthcoming International against Wales has +only just been averted. But for the common-sense and good feeling of all +concerned, Dolly Brown, the English captain, might have found herself +assisting the Welsh side instead of her own country's eleven. Not +long ago this brilliant back became engaged to a Welsh gentleman from +Llanfairfechan and the wedding had been fixed for Thursday next. Under +the present state of the British Constitution a married woman takes on +the nationality of her husband, and had the marriage been solemnized +before the International Match on Saturday Dolly Brown would have been +ineligible for England and available for Wales. On this being pointed +out to her she at once consented to postpone her marriage, like the +patriotic sportswoman she is, and in the meantime legislation is to be +rushed through both Houses of Parliament to alter the absurd state of +the law and retain for England the services of one of the finest backs +that ever fouled a forward. + + * * * + +Mr. Ted Hustler, the popular chairman of the Villa North End Club, has +been away from home for some days, rumour being strong in his native +city that he has gone to Scotland after Jennie Macgregor. On our +representative calling at Mr. Hustler's house this morning to inquire if +it really were true that Mr. Hustler has for a long time had his eye on +Jennie Macgregor, Mrs. Hustler, the charming wife of the chairman, was +understood to reply that she would like to catch him at it. + + * * * + +The regrettable incident at Stamford Bridge on Saturday last, when +Gertie Swift was sent off the field by the referee, is to our mind yet +another example of the misguided policy of the League management. Gertie +Swift was strongly reprimanded by Mr. G. H. Whistler, the official in +charge of the match, for an alleged offence. Gertie Swift retorted. Mr. +Whistler warned her. Gertie again retorted. Mr. Whistler then ordered +Gertie to retire from the game. Whilst we quite agree that a referee +must exercise a strong control it is perfectly obvious that no +self-respecting woman player is going to allow any mere man to have +the last word; and the sooner the Football Association realise this and +dispense with the services of all male referees the better for the good +of the game. + + * * * + +Our arrangements for a full report of the English Cup Final are now +completed. Our fashion experts are to journey to London with both teams, +and a detailed description of the hats and travelling costumes worn by +the players will appear in an extra special edition of this paper. We +understand that the two rival elevens are to turn out in silk jumpers +knitted in correct club colours by the players' own fair hands during +the more restful periods of their strenuous training. + + * * * * * + +A CASUAL FAMILY. + + "Small house or flat required; one child (off hand); any + district."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +INCREASED OUTPUT. + +(_A comparative study of incentives to labour._) + + The miner's _rôle_ is not for me; + These manual jobs I always shun; + In the bright realm of Poesy + My thrilling daily task is done. + My songs are wild with beauty. This is one. + + Yet has the miner, not the bard, + A life that runs in pleasant ways; + His labour may be pretty hard, + But, when compared with mine, it _pays_. + Scant the reward of my exhausting days. + + I bear no grudge. I don't object + To watch his wages soaring high, + If, as I'm told, we may expect + To see him resolutely ply + His task with greater vigour. So must I. + + Up, Muse, and get your wings unfurled! + My rhymes at double speed must flow; + Now, from this hour, the astonished world + Must see my output daily grow. + And why? I want some coal--a ton or so. + + Coal is my greatest need, the crest + And pinnacle of my desires; + And as I toil with feverish zest + 'Twill be the dream of blazing fires + That spurs me to my labour and inspires. + + I wonder if the miner too + Has visions in his dark abyss + Which urge him on to hack and hew + That he may so achieve the bliss + Of buying great and deathless songs (like this). + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +Notice in a Canadian book-shop:-- + + "It often happens that you are unable to obtain just the book + you want. We specialise in this branch of book-selling." + + * * * * * + + "Observing a straw stack on fire opposite her house a woman + removed her baby from the bath and poured the bath water on to + the flames."--_Evening Paper._ + +What we admire is her presence of mind in first removing the baby. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. and Mrs. John ---- wish to return grateful thanks to all + who so kindly contributed to their late great loss by theft." + + _Local Paper._ + +Always be polite to burglars. You never know when they may call again. + + * * * * * + +We understand that Smith minor, who in an examination paper wrote +_margot_, instead of _margo_, as the Latin for "the limit," has been +reprimanded severely by his master. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +_MR. PUNCH'S HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR_ + +Self-praise, it used to be held, is no recommendation; but that was +before the War. The War has altered so many things that it may have +altered this too, and self-praise be the best recommendation of all. Mr. +Punch hopes so, because he wants to indulge for the moment in extolling +one of his own products; he wishes, in short, to urge upon all his +readers the merits of "Mr. Punch's History of the Great War." Everything +is here, in very noteworthy synthesis; the tragedy and the comedy +inextricably mingled, as they must ever be, but as by more formal +historians they are not. + +Such is Mr. Punch's opinion on Mr. Punch's own book, which is no formal +history of the War in the strict or scientific sense of the phrase; no +detailed record of naval and military operations. Rather it is a +mirror of varying moods, reflecting in the main how England remained +steadfastly true to her best traditions; a reflex of British character +during the days of doubt and the hours of hope that marked the strenuous +and wearying days of the War. + +All ages and classes come into the picture--combatants and +non-combatants, young and old, men and women. And Mr. Punch's pencil +plays a part at least equal to that of his pen, the record of each month +being generously supplied with cartoons and illustrations by famous +_Punch_ artists. Into these pages has been compressed just what we need +to remember about the War, and we are reminded of things which we had +already forgotten. Here is the tragedy and the pathos of the Great +War--even the comedy of those great years of undying memory. + +No more popular history of the War has been written; it has been +eulogised everywhere, for it is a book that every citizen of the Empire +should read and be proud to possess. As a Christmas gift it is ideal, +and will be gladly welcomed not only by those at home, but also by +those in Canada, Australia, India, South Africa, and other parts of our +far-flung Empire, whose gallant sons shared the horrors and the victory +of those four-and-a-half years. + +[Illustration: THE OPTIMIST. + +"If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is +clear:{missing colon in original} Go past the post-office and sharp to +the left afore you come to the church."] + + * * * * * + +_AN IMMORTAL STORY_ + +[Illustration: OUR MAN. + +With Mr. Punch's Grateful Compliments to Field-Marshal Sir DOUGLAS HAIG. + +["_Punch_," _November 29th_, 1918.] + +"Mr. Punch's History of the Great War" is a History we can all read, and +all _should_ read, for here is the record of the heroes who added to +the glories of our blood and State--a roll that is endless--wonderful +gunners and sappers, and airmen and despatch riders, devoted surgeons +and heroic nurses, stretcher-bearers and ambulance drivers. "But Mr. +Punch's special heroes are the Second-Lieutenants and the Tommy who went +on winning the War all the time, and never said that he was winning it +until it was won." + +To read this book will help us to realise the great debt, unpaid and +unpayable, to our immortal dead and to the valiant survivors, to whom we +owe freedom and security. + +It is "a corrective record," says _The Times_, "not only of what +happened 'over there,' but of what people were saying and feeling at +home"; while _The Morning Post_ remarked: "Here Mr. Punch is the nation, +deftly wielding the weapon of ridicule that has helped to kill so many +enemy tyrants." + +_THIS MOST ACCEPTABLE GIFT COSTS 10S. 6D. NET_ + +_Postage Extra_ + +_Published by_ + +CASSELL & Co., Ltd. +La Belle Sauvage, London, E.C.4 + +USE THIS ORDER FORM FOR + +THE IDEAL GIFT BOOK + .................. _19_ ...... +_To_ .................................................... +......................................................... + +_Please supply to me_ ...... _cop_ ...... _of "Mr. PUNCH'S +HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR," at 10s. 6d. +net, published by Cassell & Co., Ltd., La Belle Sauvage, +London, E.C.4, by arrangement with the Proprietors of +"Punch." I enclose £ : :_ + +_Name_ ................................................... +_Address_ ................................................ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST STRAW. + +THE CAMEL DRIVER. "NOW, WHICH HUMP HAD THIS BETTER GO ON?" + +THE CAMEL. "IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME. IT'S BOUND TO BREAK MY BACK +ANYHOW."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Josh (who has just purchased stamp)._ "WOULD YER +MIND A-STICKIN' OF IT ON FOR ME, MISSIE? OI BAIN'T NO SCHOLARD."] + + * * * * * + +UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS. + +III.--SIR ERIC GEDDES. + +Which is boyhood's commonest ambition, to run away to sea or to be +something on a railway line? And how few, when they are grown up, find +that they have realised either of these desires! The present Minister +of Transport has freely confessed to his intimates that more than once, +when he was floating paper-boats in his bath or climbing a tree in the +garden to look out for icebergs from the crow's-nest, he felt in his +child's heart that water was the ultimate quest, the adventure, the +gleam. And yet for many a long year railways entranced and enslaved him. +Often he would sit for hours, forgetful of the griddle cakes rapidly +being burnt to a cinder, and gaze at the puffs of steam coming from the +spout of the kettle or the quick vibrations of its lid, planning in his +mind some greater and better engine that should be known perhaps as The +Snorting Eric, and be enshrined in glass on Darlington platform. + +Once, when he had bought a small model stationary engine and the +methylated spirit lamp had by some accident set fire to the carpet, he +was found after the conflagration had subsided standing serenely amongst +the wreckage. When challenged as to its cause, "I cannot tell a lie," he +replied calmly; "I did it with my little gadget." A few months later +he and the present Ambassador of Great Britain at Washington had +constructed a double line of miniature tracks, which connected all the +rooms on the ground floor of the house and considerably interfered +with the parlourmaid's duties. It was known to the family as the Great +Auckland Railway. Another favourite hobby of the young engineer was to +lie on his back and watch the spider spin her web, comparing the results +with a railway map of Great Britain. It was seldom that he went to bed +without having learnt at least a page of _Bradshaw_ by heart. + +Going from strength to strength this apparently dreamy lad had climbed +the giddy rungs of fame until, at the outbreak of war, he stood with the +ball at his feet and the title of Deputy General Manager of the N.E.R. +It was he who had invented the system whereby the handle of the heating +apparatus in railway carriages could be turned either to OFF or ON +without any consequent infiltration of steam, thereby saving passengers +from the peril of death by suffocation. It was he who, thumping the +table with an iron fist, had insisted vehemently that caged parrots +travelling in the rack should, if capable of speech, be compelled to pay +the full fare. It was he who effected one of the greatest economies that +the line had ever known by using rock-cakes which had served their term +of years in the refreshment-room as a substitute for the keys which hold +the metals of the permanent way in their chairs. + +In the summer of 1914 he was about to adopt a patent device for +connecting the official notices in compartments with gramophones +concealed under the seats in such a way that when humourists had by dint +of much labour made the customary emendations, such as "IT IS DANGEROUS +TO LEAP OUT OF THE WINDOWS," "TO STOP THE RAIN PULL DOWN THE CHAIN" and +"TO EAT FIVE PERSONS ONLY," a loud and merry peal of laughter should +suddenly hail the completed masterpiece. + +Armageddon supervened, and the rest of Sir ERIC GEDDES' career is +history. When a new and sure hand was needed at the Admiralty, Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE was not long in making the only suitable choice. Sir ERIC GEDDES' +bluff hearty manner, positively smacking, despite his inland training, +of all that a viking ought to smack of, had long marked him out as the +ideal ruler of the King's Navy, and his name was soon known and feared +wherever the seagull dips its wing. Underneath the breezy exterior +lay an iron will, like a precipitate in a tonic for neurasthenia, and +scarcely had he boarded the famous building in Whitehall and mounted his +quarter-deck (Naval terms are always used at the Admiralty, the windows +being called "port-holes" and the staircases the "companion") than +victory began to crown the arms of the Senior Service. + +But peace no less than war finds an outlet for the energies of the old +sea-dog, and the veriest hint of a railway strike finds him ready +with flotillas of motor lorries in commission and himself in his flag +char-à-banc, aptly named the Queen of Eryx, at their head. Lever, +marlin-spike or steering wheel, it is all one to the brain which can +co-ordinate squadrons as easily as rolling-stock, to the man who is now +sometimes known as the Stormy Petrol of the Cabinet. Yet even so the +sailor is strongest in him still. It is not generally known that Sir +ERIC has already cocked his weather eye at our inland waterways as an +auxiliary line of defence in case of need. Experience has taught him +that it is even now quicker to travel, let us say, from Boston (Lincs.) +to Wolverhampton, by river and canal than by rail, and the future may +yet see Thames, Trent and Severn churned to foam by motor barges of +incredible rapidity, distributing the nation's food supplies. + +This is one of the things that the Ministry of Transport has, so to say, +up its sleeve, and is alone a sufficient answer to those who suggest +that this Ministry has outlived its hour. There is a grim Norse spirit +amongst its officials, inspired perhaps by their chieftain's name, and +already the plans for a first-class Pullman galley are under way. As +LONGFELLOW sings:-- + + "Never saw the wild North Sea + Such a gallant company + Sail its billows blue; + Never, while they cruised and quarrelled, + Old King Gorm or Blue Tooth Harold, + Owned a ship so well apparelled, + Boasted such a crew." + +K. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. P. G. H. Fender, the Surrey cricket captain who has gone + out with the M.C.C. team to Australia, is preparing a book on + the tour, for which he has chosen the title of 'Defending the + Ashes.'"--_Weekly Paper._ + +Quite the proper function for a FENDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tailor (to yokel who has brought suit back)._ "WHAT'S +WRONG? DON'T THEY FIT?" + +_Yokel._ "OH, AY, THEY _FIT_ ALL RIGHT, BUT (_pointing to +fashion-plates_) WOT'S USE O' THEY PICTURES IF YOU BAIN'T GOIN' TO BIDE +BY UN."] + + * * * * * + +ELFIN TENNIS. + + Once in a fold of the hill I caught them-- + All by my lone was I-- + Out on the downs one night in Autumn, + Under a moonlit sky. + + There on a smooth little green rectangle + Sparkled the lines of dew; + Over the court with their wings a-spangle + Four little fairies flew; + + Skeleton leaves in their hands for racquets + (All in a ring around + Brownies and elves in their bright green jackets + Watched from the rising ground). + + Then, as I crept up close for clearer + Sight of the Fairy Queen, + _Oberon_, throned on a toadstool near her, + Carolled out "Love fifteen." + + Over a net of the fairies' knitting + (Fine-spun gossamer thread) + Smallest of tiny puff-balls flitting + Hither and thither sped. + + So for a minute I watched them, shrinking + Low in the gorse-bush shade; + Then, like a mortal fool unthinking, + Shouted aloud, "Well played!" + + Right in the midst of an elfin rally + Sudden I stood alone; + Far away over the distant valley + Fairies and elves had flown. + + * * * * * + +A D'ANNUNZIO DIALOGUE. + + [From which will be perceived not only that telephonic communication + exists between Fiume and Lucerne, but also that there is an easy way + out of the difficulty with Greece if only the League of Nations will + utilise the instrument that lies to their hand.] + + _D'Annunzio (testily)._ Hello, Lucerne! Hello! Is that the Greek KING? + Confound this buzz! Is that you, TINO? + + _King Constantine._ Speaking. + What do you want? I'm packing up my grip. + + _D'Ann._ D'ANNUNZIO speaks. Attend the trumpet's lip. + Snatching a few brief moments, CONSTANTINE, + Out of my business morning--eight to nine, + Composing epic poems; nine to one, + Consolidating our position in the sun + (Sweet Alexandrine!), breakfast, bath and post, + A raid or two on the Dalmatian coast, + Speeches, parades and promulgating laws + Which, being published to my followers, cause + Loud cries of "Author!" and sustained applause; + Such is the round of toil that leaves not limp + Fiume's favoured Pontifex et Imp.-- + I thought I'd ring you up. + + _King Con._ Well, well, what is it? + + _D'Ann._ I hear you are proposing to revisit + Athens. + + _King Con._ Well, if I am, what's that to you? + + _D'Ann._ This, that, whilst gazing at the local blue + The other day, I hit upon the plan + Of conquering the Mediterranean, + Including the Ægean and the finer + Portions, most probably, of Asia Minor, + And holding them as provinces beneath + Fiume and my own imperial wreath. + + _King Con._ Go on, then, dash you. + + _D'Ann._ I shall soon begin; + But I decline to have you butting in. + Tyrants there still may be, but not the sort + Discarded from a philo-Teuton Court; + The tolerant warmth that sheds a kind of lustre + Over a stout Ausonian filibuster + Does not extend to thoroughly bad hats + Like abdicated Hellene autocrats. + And, if the Allies feel some slight reserve + About resisting your confounded nerve, + I, GABRIELE, do not. You may be + A kind of subject satrap under me; + If not, look out. You shall have cause to know + The singing eagles of D'ANNUNZIO. + + _King Con._ I'll think it over. + + _D'Ann._ Do so swiftly then; + Meanwhile good morning; I must see some men-- + Also the Muse. She waits upon my pen. + [_Rings off._ + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "How many cocktails are there? 'William,' the mixer at the Royal + Automobile lub, who was for eayrs at the Hotel ecil, states + that he can produce some 70 varieties without repeating + himself."--_Daily Paper._ + +And did the author of the above paragraph try them all? + + * * * * * + + "Towards the conclusion of the meeting Miss Dolly ---- sang the + solo 'The City of Light' in a very able style, and, as Mr. ---- + mentioned in a vote of thanks, which he proposed, seconded and + supported, to the Chairman, speaker, accompanist, and soloist, + she excelled herself."--_Local Paper._ + +We understand that the Gasworkers' Union has remonstrated with the +orator on his excessive output. + + * * * * * + +THE SNIPER. + +Brackley is a good fellow, but I loathe him. + +How would you like it if you were tied to work and every now and then a +man came up to you in your club and said, "Old man, do come away with +me to the Pyrenees and shoot jummel," or "Can't you spare a month, old +fellow, to come stalking ibex in Montenegro with me?" or "Look here, +you're just the chap I want to run over to Alaska with me for a pot at +the grizzlies"? + +Just a fortnight ago Brackley came and told me of a delightful rough +shooting he had rented in an obscure corner of Ireland. According to +him it was a congested snipe area. You could not see the pools for +wild-duck. The honking of wild-geese kept one awake at night. The +drawback to the estate was that you were always tripping over hares. + +"You won't be safe there," I said to Brackley. + +"I'm safe anywhere," said Brackley. "Work it on system. In Arabia send +the mullah a bottle of brandy. On the Continent stand the local mayor a +bottle of wine. In Ireland ask the priest up to drink whiskey with you +in the evening. So long as the authorities have their thirst relieved +there's never trouble. Now just come for a fortnight. There'll be crowds +of snipe. I'm told there are woodcock too." + +I was adamant. + +"Well," sighed Brackley, "I'll send you a card to say how I get on." + +When his postcard arrived it ran:-- + + "To-day-- "_Ballinagrub._ + + Ten brace snipe. Four landrail. + One brace partridge. Three wild-duck. + Nine hares. One woodcock. + +"What ho!" + +Isn't that an aggravating card to get when you are deep in the most +elusive and trying chase of all--the money hunt? + +I wrote Brackley a scornful postcard:-- + +"Go on with your baleful schemes. Wallow in slaughter. Roll in blood. +Devastate the district. As an honest hard-working Englishman I regard +you with utter contempt." + +Three days later Brackley slapped me on the back in our club. + +"What are you doing here?" I said. "Don't tell me the snipe have gone on +strike." + +"All your fault," he grumbled. "About half-an-hour after I got your +infernal postcard six outsize Republican soldiers called on me and gave +me just ten minutes to get a car and drive to the station. I told them +what a silly fool you were and that it was one of your wretched jokes; +but you can't expect an Irishman to see a joke. I tried to explain it; I +said that you referred to my exploits as a sniper; and they replied that +sniping was their department and nobody else's. + +"So I decided to come home and arrange for some shooting in a place +where there's a bit of peace. I'm thinking of going after the ongdu +antelopes in Somaliland. You can't spare three months, can you?" + +"Why didn't you face it out?" I said, knowing that Brackley had spent +four years and two months of his life shooting Huns. + +"Not worth while. I could have had a guard, of course. But you can't +expect decent snipe-shooting when there's a lot of promiscuous firing +going on in the district. The snipe is a peculiarly nervous bird, you +know." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUMOROUS DRAMA: AN UNREHEARSED DIVERSION.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Porter._ "DO YOU WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER, OR +VICE-VERSA?"] + + * * * * * + +A FOOTNOTE TO THE "BAB BALLADS." + + [The Vice-Chairman of No. 1 Committee of the League of Nations, + dealing with general organisation, is Mr. WELLINGTON KOO, the + distinguished Chinese diplomatist.] + + Serene and Celestial Sage, + How well you revive and renew + The delights of an age when good "Bab" was the rage-- + Eminent WELLINGTON KOO! + + For I feel, though I may be a fool, + You were reared in remote Rum-ti-Foo, + Maybe suffered at school its episcopal rule-- + Tolerant WELLINGTON KOO. + + Next I see you adorning the scene + In the city of fair Titipu, + Garbed in green and in gold, very fine to behold-- + Sumptuous WELLINGTON KOO. + + Then you probably met _Captain Reece_ + And all his affectionate crew, + Who knew no decrease of their comfort and peace-- + Nautical WELLINGTON KOO. + + _Clonglocketty Angus McClan_ + I fear was withheld from your view; + That unfortunate man was not fated to scan + Fortunate WELLINGTON KOO. + + But my reason instinctively tells + It was you who contrived to imbue + With his knowledge of spells _John Wellington Wells_-- + Magical WELLINGTON KOO. + + "Morality, heavenly link," + I'm sure you will never taboo, + Though to it I don't think you'll "eternally drink"-- + Temperate WELLINGTON KOO. + + It is rather malicious, I own, + To play with a name that is true, + But I hope you'll condone my irreverent tone-- + Generous WELLINGTON KOO. + + * * * * * + + "ROYAL EXILES. + + Some archdukes have become clerks, and many have become + governesses and ladies' maids."--_Tasmanian Paper._ + +For these last two posts, their archness would, we think, be an +irresistible qualification. + + * * * * * + + "NURSES WANTED. + + 540 Hours Working Week. + + Extra pay at special rates for any time worked in excess of + ordinary working hours." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +The generous provision for "overtime" makes the above offer unusually +attractive. + + * * * * * + +IF THEY WERE AT SCHOOL. + +(_That is, if the House of Commons were like our School Debating +Society--as indeed it is--and if its proceedings were reported with the +incisive brevity of our School Magazine--and why not?_) + +On Wednesday the Society held its 2,187th meeting. There was some +regrettable rowdiness during Private Business, and A. MOSELEY +(Collegers) had to be ejected for asking too many questions. Members +must not bring bags of gooseberries into the debates. + +In Public Business the motion was:-- + +"_That in the opinion of this House Science is better than Sport._" + +D. LLOYD GEORGE, Proposer (School House), said that Science had won the +War, and quoted Wireless Telegraphy and Daylight Saving to prove this. +The most successful Generals had had a scientific training. His uncle +had met a General who knew algebra and used it at the Battle of the +Marne. Only two first-class cricketers had ever been in the Cabinet. +Three scientists had. The earth went round the sun. The moon went round +the earth. Rivers flowed into the ocean. + + An improving speaker, who is inclined to be carried away by his + enthusiasm. Too many metaphors. + +H. ASQUITH, Opposer (Collegers), said that the speech of the hon. +Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, as ineffective as they were +insincere. Never in the whole course of his career had he encountered a +subterfuge so transparent, a calumny so shameless as the attempt of the +Hon. Prop., he might say the calculated and cynical attempt of the Hon. +Prop., to seduce from their faith the tenacious acolytes of Sport by +the now threadbare recital of the dubious and, on his own showing, the +anæmic enticements of Science. The War had proved that Science was no +good. + + This speaker is steadily improving, but he has a tendency to a + "fatal fluency," and he must beware of high-sounding phrases. + Also too many passages in his speech sounded like quotations. + +A. BONAR LAW, Seconder (Commoners), said that the War had proved that +Sport was no good. Gas had been invented by Science. He pointed out the +importance of astronomy in navigation. + + A rapidly improving speaker. But he must not mumble. + +E. G. PRETTYMAN{most likely misprint for 'PRETYMAN' - see ESSENCE OF +PARLIAMENT below}(Hodgeites) said that farming was both a science and a +sport. The canal system of Great Britain had been neglected. + + Some neat little epigrams. + +LESLIE SCOTT (Collegers) said that his father was a lawyer. Science had +been used in the Russo-Japanese War. + + This speaker was not at his best. Perhaps it was the + gooseberries. + +LESLIE WILSON (Hittites) said that his Christian name was the same as +the previous speaker's--(Laughter)--but his views were very different. +(Loud laughter.) He would like to ask the House which had done most in +the War--Tanks or Banks. + + The speech of the evening. Witty and well-argued. But he must + not fidget with his waistcoat-buttons. + +W. S. CHURCHILL (Hivites) said that this was a revolutionary motion. +Sport and Science must stand together. True sport was scientific and +true scientists were sportsmen. (Applause.) Together they would stand +as an imperishable bulwark against the relentless tide of Socialism. +Divided they would fall. + + A steadily improving speaker, but he must not recite. + +H. A. L. FISHER (Collegers) was in favour of Proportional Education. + + He must not lecture. + +E. GEDDES (Perizzites) said he did not mind what game he played. Rugger, +Soccer, Hockey, Cricket, Lacrosse, Rounders--he was equally at home with +all of them. + + An improving speaker. He must not speak at the roof; there is no + one there. + +F. BANBURY (Sittites) must not go on and on. + +A. MOND (Moabites) must not fidget with his feet. + +H. D. KING (Hivites) said that sailing was scientific. + + He has not been heard before. + +R. KENWORTHY (Day-boy) must not be heard again. + +R. BRACE (Coalites) must not wheedle. + +ADAMSON (Coalites) must not shout. + +A. ADDISON (Collegers) was inaudible where we were. + +E. CARSON (Jebusites) was inaudible everywhere. But we gather we did not +miss much. He must speak up. + +W. BENN (Amalekites) was invisible. + +A. BALFOUR (Stalactites) was insensible. But why not sleep in the +dormitory? + +R. CECIL _mi._ (Parasites) must not preach. + +J. DEVLIN (Meteorites) said that Ireland was a nation. But he must not +get excited. + +R. CECIL _ma._ (Collegers) must not eat while he is speaking. Otherwise +a gentlemanly speech. + +The President summed up and the Motion was carried by 12 votes to 11. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL. + +OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, FIND IT +IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS. + +"LADIES AND GENTS, I 'OPE YOU WILL LET ME 'AVE YOUR KIND ATTENTION WHILE +I GIVE A RENDERING OF 'RULE, BRITANNIA,' THE NATIONAL SONG OF BRITAIN, +ACCOMPANYIN' MYSELF ON THE 'ARP, WICH I LEARNED TO PLAY WEN I WAS +SERVIN' IN THE ARMY OF OCCUPATION IN THAT REMOTE AND BARBAROUS ISLAND."] + + * * * * * + +A DIFFICULT CASE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--This is one of those social problems which end by +asking what A should do, only in this case I want to know what you would +do. + +It happened on the first day of my leave, just after I had, as is my +custom on this day, had my hair cut and otherwise made beautiful at a +place in Bond Street. (I am afraid this sounds as if I was a rich man, +but really I am a Naval Officer.) + +I was wearing--well, that would not interest you, but it really was +rather a pleasant suit, with a hat which even _The Daily Mail_ could not +improve upon. Briefly, I was strolling along in a perfectly contented +frame of mind when a horse, drawing a van, chose to fall down right +alongside me. + +In a moment of rashness and chivalry--have I said that the horse was +being driven by a girl?--I promptly sat on the brute's head, an act +which I had always been told is the correct thing to do, though, I +should imagine, discouraging for the horse. + +In my haste I sat down with my back to the van, so was unable to gauge +the progress of the refitting work which was going on. + +In an effort to convey to the crowd, which had, of course, collected, +that I was in no way embarrassed, nay more, that I was well accustomed +to sitting on horses' heads in the middle of Bond Street, I lit +a cigarette and tried to look _blasé_, no easy thing to do in the +circumstances. + +Small boys made tactless remarks about my personal appearance and +eccentric habits, but I ignored them, feverishly thinking that this +adventure would necessitate an early visit to my club. I had just +decided what brand of cocktail would best meet the case when I felt a +tap on my shoulder and looked up at a vast blue expanse which I realised +later was a policeman. + +"If you've quite finished with that there 'orse you're sitting on, young +man," he said, "the leddy wants to take it 'ome." + +The crowd chuckled and I rose hurriedly. Unfortunately, so did the +horse, urged on, possibly by the cries and kicks of several willing +helpers, or possibly by the sight of his mistress, who had come up, I +hoped, to thank me. + +Not only did the horse rise, but he rose at full speed and without +giving me time to get my foot off the rein on which I was unwittingly +standing. + +My leg shot into the air and I lost all sense of direction for a few +seconds. Then a slight shock, and I found myself clasping the "leddy" +firmly round the neck. + +At this juncture my aunt appeared. + +My aunt, I should explain, is nothing if not dignified. She is built on +the lines of a monitor, bluff in the bow, broad in the beam, slow and +majestic of movement. Her lips were moving feebly when I saw her, but +she uttered no sound, uncertain, I suppose, whether to intervene or to +pretend that I was in no way connected with her. + +Paralysed by her arrival, I saw her slowly take in the scene. Her eye +wandered from the policeman to me, from me to the unfortunate girl +to whom I still clung. I could see her jumping--no, moving +ponderously--towards the wrong conclusion. + +Mr. Punch, what would you have done? + +Yours faithfully, An N. O. + +[Your first thought should have been for the girl, whom you had clearly +compromised in your aunt's eyes. You should at once have introduced her +to that lady as your long-lost _fiancée_. Later in the afternoon you +could have called on your relative and told her that you had mislaid the +girl again--this time irretrievably.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOLLY OF ATHENS. + +ATHENA (_to her Owl_). "SAY 'TINO'!" + +THE OWL. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF +WISDOM."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 15th._--To induce the House of Lords to accept a +measure for the compulsory acquisition of land is analogous to the +process of getting butter out of a dog's mouth; and it is not surprising +that Lord PEEL essayed the task of getting a second reading for +an Acquisition of Lands Bill in rather gingerly fashion. When one +remembered a racy correspondence in the newspapers over certain +Midlothian farms one could hardly have been surprised if the Laird of +DALMENY had reappeared in the arena, flourishing his claymore. But, +alas! he still remains in retirement, and it was left to Lord SUMNER to +administer some sound legal thwacks and, in his own words, to "dispel +the mirage which the noble Viscount raised over the sand of a very arid +Bill." He did not oppose the Second Reading, but hinted that if ever it +emerged from Committee its own draftsman would not know it.{missing +period in original} + +The PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE must regard Monday with rather mixed +feelings. That is the day on which Questions addressed to his Department +have first place on the Order-paper; and accordingly he has a lively +quarter-of-an-hour in coping with the contradictory conundrums of +Cobdenites and Chamberlainites. On the whole he treads the fiscal +tight-rope with an imperturbability worthy of BLONDIN. A Tariff +Reformer, indignant at the increased imports of foreign glass-ware, +provoked the query, "Does my hon. friend regard bottles as a +key-industry?" And a Wee Free Trader who sarcastically inquired if +foreign countries complained of our dumping cement on them at prices +much above the cost in this country was promptly told that "that is the +very reverse of dumping." + +Sir DONALD MACLEAN was rewarded to-night for all his uphill work as +leader of the Wee Frees before--and since--Mr. ASQUITH'S reappearance. +On the Financial Resolution of the Ministry of Health Bill his eloquent +plea for the harassed ratepayers received an almost suspiciously prompt +response from Mr. BONAR LAW, who admitted that it was inconvenient to +drive an "omnibus" measure of this kind through an Autumn Session, and +intimated that thirteen of its clauses would be jettisoned. An appeal +from Lady ASTOR, that the Government should not "economise in health," +fell upon deaf ears. Dr. ADDISON not only enumerated the thirteen doomed +clauses, but threw in a fourteenth for luck. + +[Illustration: THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS. + +_Conductor ADDISON (to Driver LAW)._ "WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET 'OME BY +CHRISTMAS WITH ALL THEM PASSENGERS ON TOP? WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME +BEFORE I TOOK 'EM ON?"] + +_Tuesday, November 16th._--I don't suppose Lord CREWE and the other +noble Lords who enlarged upon the theme "_Persicos odi_" expected to +embarrass the FOREIGN SECRETARY by their cross-questioning. Persia is +to Lord CURZON what "de brier-patch" was to _Brer Rabbit_. He has been +cultivating it all his life, and knows every twist and turn of its +complicated history, ancient and modern. The gist of his illuminating +lecture to the Peers was that our one aim had been to maintain Persian +independence with due regard to British interests, and that it now +rested with the Persians themselves to decide their own destiny. + +[Illustration: BRER RABBIT{original had 'RABBBIT'} IN HIS ELEMENT. + +LORD CURZON.] + +Hopes of a relaxation of the passport restrictions were a little dashed +by Mr. HARMSWORTH'S announcement that the fees received for British +visas amounted to some fifty per cent. more than the cost of the staff +employed. The Government will naturally be loth to scrap a Department +which actually earns its keep. + +The WAR MINISTER was again badgered about the hundred Rolls-Royces +that he had ordered for Mesopotamia. Now that we were contemplating +withdrawal was it necessary to have them? To this Mr. CHURCHILL replied +that the new Arab State would still require our assistance. A mental +picture of the sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobiles _de luxe_ +presented itself to Mr. HOGGE, who gave notice that he should "reduce" +the Army Estimates by the price of the chassis. A little later Mr. +CHURCHILL came down heavily on an innocent Coalitionist who had +proffered suggestions as to the better safeguarding of the troops in +Ireland. "Odd as it may seem," he told him, "this aspect of the question +has engaged the attention of the military authorities." + +In the course of debate on the Agricultural Bill, Mr. ACLAND hinted that +Sir F. BANBURY, one of its severest critics, was out of touch with rural +affairs. Whereupon Mr. PRETYMAN came to the rescue with the surprising +revelation that the junior Member for the City of London, in addition +to his vocations as banker, stockbroker and railway director, had on one +occasion carried out the functions of "shepherd to a lambing flock." +The right hon. Baronet, who is known to his intimates as "Peckham," +will have Mr. PRETYMAN to thank if his _sobriquet_ in future is "Little +Bo-Peep." + +_Wednesday, November 17th._--The Lords, having welcomed the Bishop of +DURHAM--a notable addition to the oratorical strength of the Episcopal +Bench--proceeded to show that even the lay peers had not much to learn +in the matter of polite invective. Lord GAINFORD invited them to declare +that the Government should forthwith reduce its swollen Departmental +staffs and incidentally relieve our open spaces from the eyesores that +now disfigure them. Perhaps he laid overmuch stress upon the latter part +of his motion, for the Ministerial spokesman rode off on this line--Lord +CRAWFORD confessing that his artistic sensibility was outraged by these +"horrible hutments"--and said very little about cutting down the staffs. +This way of treating the matter dissatisfied the malcontents, who voted +down the Ministry. + +The Front Opposition Bench in the Commons was almost deserted at +Question-time. Presently the appearance of Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY in +unusually festive attire furnished an explanation. After forty years of +bachelorship and four of fighting, WEDGWOOD BENN is Benedict indeed; and +his colleagues were attending his wedding-festivities. + +[Illustration: AMOR TRIUMPHANS. + +(_After the Pompeii mosaic._) + +WITH MR. PUNCH'S BEST WISHES TO CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN.] + +The SECRETARY TO THE ADMIRALTY has not yet attained to the omniscience +in Naval affairs that his predecessor acquired in the course of twelve +years' continuous occupancy of the post. But Sir JAMES CRAIG can handle +an awkward questioner no less deftly than "Dr. MAC." Witness his excuse +for not replying to a "Supplementary":--"The hon. and gallant gentleman +must understand that I attach so much importance to his questions that +I wish to be most punctilious in my answers." Who could persist after +that? + +Mr. BONAR LAW stated that the treaties by which Great Britain and France +were responsible for constitutional government in Greece came to an +end in August last. Consequently the two Powers have "a completely free +hand" in regard to the Greek Monarchy. But he begged to be excused from +saying in what manner that "free hand" would be used if TINO should +think of returning. + +_Thursday, November 18th._--In the Lords the Acquisition of Land Bill +had most of its teeth drawn. Lord SUMNER was the most adroit of the many +operators employed, and he used no gas. + +The usual dreary duel of Nationalist insinuation and Ministerial denial +in regard to Irish happenings was lightened by one or two interludes. +Mr. JACK JONES loudly suggested that the Government should send for +General LUDENDORFF to show them how to carry out reprisals. "He is no +friend of _mine_," retorted the CHIEF SECRETARY, with subtle emphasis. +Later he read a long letter from the C.-in-C. of the Irish Republican +Army to his Chief of Staff discussing the possibility of enlisting the +germs of typhoid and glanders in their noble fight for freedom. The +House listened with rapt attention until Sir HAMAR came to the pious +conclusion, "God bless you all." Amid the laughter that followed this +anti-climax Mr. DEVLIN was heard to ask, "Was not the whole thing +concocted in Dublin Castle?" Well, if so, Dublin Castle must have +developed a sense of humour quite foreign to its traditions. Perhaps +that is the reason why the PRIME MINISTER, earlier in the Sitting, +expressed the opinion that "things in Ireland are getting much better." + + * * * * * + +THE BOOT MYSTERY. + +DRAMATIC SCENES AT BILBURY QUARTER SESSIONS. + +COUNSEL FOR PROSECUTION ARRIVES FROM LONDON. + +THE PROCEEDINGS. + +NOTES ON THE LEADING PERSONALITIES IN THE GREAT DRAMA. + +PRISONER ADKINS' AWKWARD ADMISSION. + + [Note.--The author is surprised, not to say pained, at the conspiracy + of silence on the part of the daily Press, as a result of which he is + left to write this matter up himself. However ...] + +A sombre court-house of Quarter Sessions, the light with difficulty +penetrating the dusty panes of the windows. On the so-called Bench +sits the Bench so-called; in point of fact there are half-a-dozen ripe +aldermen sitting on chairs, in the midst of which is an arm-chair, and +in it Mr. Augustus Jones, the Recorder of Bilbury. + +Born in 1873 of rich but respectable parents; called, with no uncertain +voice, to the Bar in 1894; of a weighty corpulence and stormy visage, +Mr. Jones now settles himself in his arm-chair to hear and determine +all this business about Absalom Adkins and the Boots. How admirably +impressive is Mr. Jones's typically English absence of hysteria, his +calm, his restfulness. Indeed, give Mr. Jones five minutes to himself +and it is even betting he would be fast asleep. + +The Clerk of the Court with awful dignity suggests getting a move on. +Mr. Blaythwayte{original had "Blathwayte"} who, as well as Clerk of the +Court is also Town Clerk of Bilbury, was born in 1850 and, having +survived the intervening years, now demands the production of the +prisoner from below. Looking at this dignitary one gets the poetic +impression of a mass of white hair, white moustache, white whiskers, +white beard and white wig, with little bits of bright red face appearing +in between. From a crevice in one of these patches come the ominous +words, of which we catch but a sample or two: "... Prisoner at the bar +... for that you did ... steal, take and carry away ... pairs of boots +... of our Lord the King, his crown and dignity." + +At this moment there arrives in court a sinister figure wearing the wig +and gown so much affected by the English Bar. Plainly a man of character +and of moment; obviously selected with great care for this highly +difficult and delicate matter. His features are sharp, clean-cut. One +feels that they have been sharpened and cut clean this very morning. In +his hand he holds the fateful brief, pregnant with damnatory facts. He +makes his way into the pen reserved "For Counsel only." The usher locks +him in for safety's sake. + + PERSONS IN THE DRAMA (SO FAR). + + _Mr. Augustus Jones._ Recorder. Born in 1873.{missing period in + original} + + _Mr. Joseph K. Blaythwayte._ Clerk of the Court. Born in 1850. + + _Absalom Adkins_, of uncertain age, supposed boot-fancier. + + _Our Lord the King_, whose peace, crown and dignity are reported + to have been rudely disturbed by the alleged activities of + Absalom Adkins. + +Who is this strong silent man, this robed counsellor trusted with the +case of the Crown? Who is it? It is I! Born in the year--but if I'm to +tell my life story it's a thousand pounds I want. Make it guineas and +I will include portraits of self and relations, with place of birth, +inset. + +The scenario (or do we mean the scene?) is now complete. Leading +characters, minor characters, chorus, supernumeraries and I myself +are all on the stage. Absalom Adkins, clad in a loose-fitting corduroy +lounge suit and his neck encased in a whitish kerchief, rises from his +seat. Mr. Jones, the Recorder, does much as he was doing before--nothing +in particular. Counsel for the prosecution re-reads his brief, +underlines the significant points, forgets that his pencil is a blue +one and licks it. On a side-table, impervious to their surroundings and +apparently unconcerned with their significance, sit the crucial boots. + +"How say you, Absalom Adkins"--such the concluding words of the Clerk, +the finish of the prologue which rings up the curtain on this human +drama--"how say you? Are you guilty or not guilty?" + +"Guilty," says Absalom, and that ends it. + + * * * * * + +Later a large and enthusiastic crowd outside (had there been one) might +have seen a man with clean and sharp-cut features carrying a bag in +one hand and an umbrella in the other, stepping lightly on to a Bilbury +corporation tram, station bound. This is the counsel for the prosecution +(still me), his grave responsibilities honourably discharged, hurrying +back to the vortex of metropolitan life. + +F. O. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Vicar._ "I UNDERSTAND FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOUR HUSBAND +IS HEARING BETTER WITH THIS EAR." + +_Darby._ "EH, WHAT? WHAT'S 'E SAY, JOAN?" + +_Joan._ "'E SAYS 'E UNDERSTANDS FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOU'RE 'EARING +BETTER WITH THAT THERE."] + + * * * * * + +From a stores catalogue:-- + + "THE ---- WRINGER. + + Guaranteed for one year--Fair wear and tear excepted." + +There is always a catch somewhere. + + * * * * * + + "A consignment of Rumanian eggs has arrived in this country. + This shipment, which is the first to arrive since the war closed + this source of supply in 1914, consists of 100 cases, each + containing 1914 eggs."--_Scots Paper._ + +Referring, we trust, to the number and not the vintage. + + * * * * * + + "CONTRACTS, TENDERS, &c. + + The Great Northern Railway Company. + + Allegro moderato } from String } + Notturno ....... } Quartet, No. 2, } Borodine. + } in D } + + STORES CONTRACTS." + + _Daily Paper._ + +It is generally supposed that the company entertains the idea of +attempting to "soothe the savage breast" of the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT. + + * * * * * + +THE LETTERS I NEVER POST. + +_I met a philosopher the other day--he is not a philosopher by +profession, but an architect--who told me that, when annoyed by the +anomalies and petty red-tape restrictions of life or irritated by +incompetence and incivility, or even when he feels that he can amend +somebody else's error or propose an improvement, it is his habit to +write a letter expressing his indignation or embodying his suggestions._ + +_After remarking that he must be kept very busy I asked him what kind of +replies he got._ + +"_Oh, I don't get any replies," he said, "because, you see, I don't send +the letters; I only write them and then I tear them up._" + +_This is how I knew that he was a philosopher._ + +_I propose to take to philosophy myself._ + + * * * + +TO A TAXI-DRIVER. + +DEAR SIR,--(You must understand, as must all the people that I address +in these epistles, that by "dear" I do not necessarily imply any +affection. I employ the word because I am too old to care about breaking +down harmless conventions; but I might claim in the present connection +that it has more than one meaning. That indeed you will see, if you read +on, is the main point of this letter.)--Dear Sir, then, you may remember +me. I am the fare who hailed you on your rank at the corner of Fulham +Road and Drayton Gardens last Tuesday evening at a quarter to six, and +told you to drive to the Marble Arch. You put down the flag and then +jumped off the box to wind up the starter. It failed, and after several +attempts you had to examine the machinery. I suppose that six minutes +were occupied in this way, whether because you are a bad mechanic or a +careless fellow or because the engine is defective, I cannot say; all +I know is that I was in a hurry and that the flag was down, but we were +not moving. If you had not put the flag down I should have got out and +taken another cab; but I felt that that would be unfair to you. When, +however, at the end of the journey I paid you without adding any tip, +and you received the money with an offensive grunt, I wished that I had +been less considerate. + +It is because nothing that I could have said then, in your horrid +hostile mood, would have convinced you that there is any injustice to a +fare at all in putting down your flag before you are properly started, +that I am writing this letter. My hope is that quiet perusal may +demonstrate that the fare has, at any rate, a grain of logic on his side +if he looks upon himself as defrauded. We don't, you know, take your +cabs for the joy of sitting in them, or for the pleasure of watching you +struggling with a crank, but to be conveyed quickly from place to place. +It is wrong to ask us to pay for the time spent by you in persuading +your engine to behave, and it is indecent to become abusive when we act +on that assumption. If I had not been so busy I should have refused to +pay at all and forced you to summon me; but who has time for such costly +formalities? And I might have had to lose my temper, which I have not +done (much) since I read an article by a doctor saying that every such +loss means an abbreviation of life. Life in a world made fit for heroes +may not be any great catch, but it is better, at any rate, than +passing to a region where one is apparently liable to be in constant +communication with mediums. + +One other thing. I have just returned from Paris, where, amid much that +is unsatisfactory and besmirched by Peace, taxis remain trustworthy and +plentiful. The price marked on the meter is that which the fare pays, +and any number of persons may ride in the cab without extra charge. +Nothing exceeds my scorn for the English taxi-driver who demands another +ninepence for an additional passenger, even though only a child--nothing +except my scorn for the cowardly official who conceded this monstrous +imposition. + + * * * + +TO AN ADMINISTRATOR. + +DEAR SIR,--May I implore you to authorise the instant removal of the +buildings in the St. James's Park lake? During the War we who find on +the suspension bridge, looking West, the most beautiful late afternoon +view in London, were content to endure the invasion. But we have passed +the second Armistice Day, and still the huts remain, and still there is +no water, and still the enchanted prospect is denied us. After all, +this lake is part of London, and London ratepayers should be entitled to +their city's beauties as well as its necessities. + + * * * + +TO A PRETTY GIRL. + +MY DEAR,--I want you to be a little more merciful. The other day, when +your father, over the eggs and bacon, was reading out the news from +Greece, with the defeat of VENIZELOS, you said lightly that exile didn't +matter very much because VENIZELOS was a very old man. You then returned +to the absorbing occupation of identifying Society people, reading from +left to right. Now VENIZELOS is fifty-five years of age, and I cannot +allow the term "very old" to be applied to him without protest; I am too +nearly his contemporary. "Getting on," if you like, "mature," "ripe," +but not "very old." You must keep that phrase for the people who--well, +who _are_ very old. + + * * * + +TO A HABERDASHER. + +DEAR SIR,--When I came to put on the collar that I bought from you +yesterday (I am the tallish customer who takes sixteen and a half by two +and was in a hurry to get home to dress) I found that your young man's +finger-marks were on it. Why don't you make your assistants wear gloves +when they handle collars? + + * * * + +TO A MINISTER OF RELIGION. + +YOUR FAR-FROM-SERENE GLOOMINESS,--Won't you one day be a little +cheerful, and wrong? Won't you send out a lifeboat to the wreck instead +of watching her through your smoked field-glasses as she sinks? What you +seem to forget is that most people at times are their own Gloomy +Deans: some of us too often; and there can be too much of a good thing. +Hopelessness butters no parsnips and it is a mood not to be encouraged +or the world would be as bad as we then think it. Gloomy-deaniness, +though salutary for brief intervals, should be sparingly indulged in; +but you are at it all the time. There is a Chinese proverb which says, +"If you can't smile don't open a shop;" and, after all, St. Paul's +Cathedral is in a manner of speaking a kind of shop, isn't it?--the +goods, at any rate, should be obtainable there. The phrase "there is no +health in us" does not constitute the whole liturgy. Down with facile +optimists by all means, but, my dear Sir---- + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE ERMINE. + + The ermine is not quite as grand as he sounds; + As a rule he is shot if he comes in the grounds; + You have seen him about by the mulberry-tree, + Though I very much doubt if you knew it was he. + + He is shot with a gun and hung up by the throat, + For the ermine, my son, is the same as the stoat; + So when Auntie has got just a little more ermine + You can tell her (or not) she is covered with vermin. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Col. ---- was unable to be present, and altogether the event + was highly successful." + + _Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Pugilist._ "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT." + +_Second Pugilist._ "WELL, WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO ABOUT IT?" + +_First Pugilist._ "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'LL DO ABOUT IT--FOR A PURSE OF +TEN THOUSAND POUNDS AND THE CINEMA RIGHTS."] + + * * * * * + +MORE NOTES FROM A SYNTHETIC COUNTRY DIARY. + +_November 20th._--I have been much struck this morning by a remarkable +instance of protective mimicry on the part of a grey squirrel, which +assumes attitudes and adopts gestures which at a little distance render +him almost indistinguishable from a small monkey. WHITE'S _Selborne_ +throws no light on this strange phenomenon, which I can only explain as +a result on the animal world of the now fashionable _Tarzan_ cult, which +so happily reconciles the old hostility between apes and angels. + +Of the habits and customs of the hedgehog mention has already been made +in these notes. It may be added that the whistle which these interesting +creatures emit from time to time resembles the _timbre_ of a muted +piccolo, and their employment in a mixed orchestra is well worth the +consideration of our younger and more enterprising composers. Another +animal which shares with the hedgehog the defensive faculty of rolling +itself up in a ball is the "pill millipede," a myriopod with seventeen +pairs of legs, but fortunately exempt from the necessity of wearing +trousers, which at present prices would impose an exorbitant demand on +its resources. + +As winter draws on the evolutions of birds great and small are a +never-ending source of surprise and delight. Many hooded crows are now +to be seen consorting with the rooks in the field and swelling the +sable multitude that flies at evensong towards the park trees. And great +congregations of plovers, curiously self-sufficing in their ability +to dispense with the services of any feathered parson, lend colour and +subconscious uplift to marshland scenes, which would otherwise look +extremely _triste_. + +Small indigenous birds, such as titmice, chipmunks, pipits and +squinches, are constantly seen in coveys or even bevies just now. A +party of pipwinks visited my copse yesterday afternoon, and indulged in +delicious _morceaux_ of melody before the red sun sank starkly below the +horizon.... + +As long as the weather remains open I find it a good plan to plant +flowers and shrubs which bloom in the spring. Proticipation is a +cardinal asset in the outfit of the judicious gardener, and no +time should be lost in completing the spring beds, as the cost of +hair-mattresses is going up by leaps and bounds. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAGUE OF DOTS. + + There are decimal dots which we can't do without + In spite of Lord RANDOLPH'S historical flout; + There are dots too, with dashes combined, in the mode + Familiar in Morse's beneficent code; + While some British parents good reasons advance + In favour of "_dots_" as they're managed in France. + But as for the writers disdainful of plots + Who pepper their pages with plentiful dots, + They must not complain if the critics of prose + Disapprove of a practice which savours of pose, + And, searching around for an adequate [Greek: hoti], + Proclaim it a sign of a brain that is dotty. + + * * * * * + +From an article on "Back to Germany":-- + + "The quiet, old-fashioned restaurants, where in the old days I + have seen field-marshals' batons hanging up in the cloak-room, + know them no more."--_Daily Paper._ + +Nowadays the German Field-Marshal takes his baton into the dining-room +to stir his soup. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"WILL YOU KISS ME?" + +Even before the era of Prohibition (there were cocktails in this play) +strange things must have happened in "God's own country" under the +banner of the Bird of Freedom. But never so strange as the effects you +get on the stage when very English people play at being Americans. You +have to be rather young and unsophisticated if such phrases as "He's +putting it over on us," or "I'm not going to stand for that," generously +peppered about the dialogue and recited in the purest of English +accents, can persuade you to believe that you are getting the real +local stuff. At the same time you accept cheerfully the most farcical +conditions on the vague assumption that all things may be possible over +there. + +So, when _John W. Brook_, of Fifth Avenue, millionaire, engaged the +services of _Alexander Y. Hedge_, plenipotentiary representative of an +Efficiency Company, to introduce economic reforms into his motherless +household during his temporary absence, we regarded it as a most +reasonable experiment. And for a time it made excellent fun. But after +a while it began to wear thin for lack of fresh stimulus, and by the +end of the Second Act there was a general feeling in the audience that +something would have to be done about it. + +The same thought seems to have occurred to Mr. CYRIL HARCOURT, the +author, and he started, a little late in the day, to introduce an +element of sex-romance into what so far had been an absolutely bloodless +proposition. But at first it was with sinister intent that _Brook's_ +elder daughter made advances to _Alexander Y. Hedge_. As soon as she +could induce this monster of inhumanity to become a prey to her charm +she would repulse him with scorn, and then he would have to go. + +The children's allowances having been cut off on the ground that +they did nothing to earn them, she offered her services as his paid +secretary. "Propinquity" did its work and she was soon in a position +to offer him the privilege of an experimental kiss, thus incidentally +justifying the dreadful title of the play. + +The first, delivered on the cheek, was a wash-out; but the second, +pressed home on the lips, had the desired effect. Then she turned and +rent him, telling him exactly what she thought of his treatment of the +family. He replied with an eloquent philippic directed at the vices of +a bloated aristocracy (this was the ante-bellum age, before things had +been made so much safer for democracy). Almost before the applause of +the gallery had died down, the father burst upon the scene, furious +at the report that this hired commercial had been making love to his +daughter. + +Explanations follow which appease his wrath, and he is further mollified +by the statement that the Master of Efficiency had cut down the expenses +of his _ménage_ by some nineteen thousand dollars. But why, when his +feats of economy had all the time been the matter of his offence in the +children's eyes, the announcement of the total should have favourably +affected the girl's heart I cannot say, and I don't think anybody else +can. Yet the fact remains that the next moment she undertakes to marry +the object of her previous loathing. + +To have arrived naturally at such an end would have meant a couple more +Acts, in which the man _Hedge_ might have had time to live down the +evil effects of his efficiency. But with so much economy in the air the +author appears to have caught the infection of it and economised in his +processes to save our time. That is the kindest excuse I can find for +him. + +As for the moral, it would seem to be that, if (as is more than +probable) you have no copy of the works of ARISTOTLE in your Fifth +Avenue library, and imagine, never having heard of the happy mean, +that virtue lies in one of two excesses--an excess of idle luxury or an +excess of efficiency--the former is the one to choose. + +Mr. DONALD CALTHROP as _Hedge_ bore the burden of the play with a +high hand that had a very sure touch. It was extraordinary with what +alertness and confidence he commanded every situation--except, of +course, the absurd climax which nobody could hope to handle. Mr. C. V. +FRANCE, as the English butler (ex-clergyman) who had taken a long +time to learn how to disfigure his aspirates (out of deference to the +American legend), gave a very fresh and attractive performance. Some of +the best things in the dialogue--not always very humorous--were given +to little _Alice Brook_ (aged 14), one of those precocities for which +America has always held the world's record. I don't know, and should not +think of asking, Miss ANN TREVOR'S age, but she looked to me a little +old for the part of this child, however precocious. Miss MARJORIE GORDON +played with intelligence as the elder sister, but never for a moment +suggested a New York atmosphere. Indeed she adopted just the mincing +kind of speech which out there is held to bewray the "Britisher." The +only performance that made any real pretence of being American was that +of Mr. TURNBULL as the manager of the Efficiency Company. + +[Illustration: STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY. + +_Horace, the Butler_ (MR. C. V. FRANCE) lengthens his stride in +obedience to + +_Alexander Y. Hedge_ (MR. DONALD CALTHROP).] + +Still, after all, local colour is no great matter so long as you get +some recognisable aspect, though farcically presented, of human +nature; but the trouble with this play is that while our sense of the +probabilities is never too much outraged so long as the chief character +is just a piece of inhuman machinery, the author lapses into the +incredible the moment he tries to introduce a little humanity into his +scheme. However, I have perhaps taken things too seriously, instead of +being properly grateful for some very good entertainment. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS FOR MEN. + + "Miss ---- takes Orders for Knitted Skirts, Jerseys, and Hats to + match. Also, Gent.'s Cardigan Coats and Hand-Painted Blouses." + + _Scots Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The Rev. W. E. ---- based the subject of his discourse on 'The + Foolish Virgins.' A large number were present." + + _South African Paper._ + +We trust they were edified. + + * * * * * + + "The discovery of Saturn's rings was made by Galileo in 1610 + through his little refractory telescope."--_Welsh Paper._ + +The difficulty with this kind of instrument is to make it shut up. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXCITING EXPERIENCE OF A NEW M.F.H. WHO HAS BEEN ADVISED +BY A FRIEND THAT HE SHOULD ALWAYS, WHEN GOING INTO KENNELS, FILL HIS +POCKETS WITH BISCUITS.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Inevitably one's first thought on sighting _A Naval History of the War_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is that he must be a brave skipper indeed who +would take out a lone ship, however excellently found, to cruise such +controversial waters. But Sir HENRY NEWBOLT is an experienced hand, +and, though (so to speak) one finds him at times conscious of Sir +JULIAN CORBETT on the sky-line, he brings off his self-appointed task +triumphantly. To drop metaphor, here is a temperate and clearly-written +history, midway between the technical and the popular, of a kind +precisely suited to the plain man who wishes a comprehensive _résumé_ +of the course of the War at sea. For this purpose its arrangement is +admirable, the story being presented first in a general survey under +dates, then in special chapters devoted to episodes or aspects, e.g., +Coronel and the Falklands (that unmatchable drama of disaster and +revenge), the submarines and their countering, and finally Jutland. +Throughout, as I have said, Sir HENRY, having one of the best stories +in the world to tell, is at pains to avoid anything that even remotely +approaches fine writing. Only once have I even detected the literary +man, when, in describing the strange finish of the _Königsberg_, +he permits himself the pleasure of calling it "the sea fight in the +forest." For the rest, the "strength and splendour" of England's +greatest naval war are left to make their own impression. I shall be +astonished if such a book, having figured brilliantly as a present +this Christmas, is not treasured for generations as a work of family +reference in hundreds of British homes. + + * * * + +The name of Mrs. BELLOC LOWNDES on the outside would alone have made me +open _From the Vasty Deep_ (HUTCHINSON) with a pleasant anticipation of +creepiness, even without the generous measure of bogies depicted on the +coloured wrapper. Having now read the story, I am bound to add (and +I can only hope that Mrs. LOWNDES will take my admission for the +compliment that it really is) that the net result has been one of slight +disappointment. Briefly, I continue to prefer the writer as a criminal, +rather than a psychic, "Fat Boy." After all, once grant your ghost and +anyone can conjure it, with appropriate circumstance, at the proper +moments. Wyndfell Hall was full enough of ghosts, all ready to appear at +the voluntary or involuntary instance of a young lady named _Bubbles_, +who was one of the Christmas house-party and the owner of a rather +uncomfortable gift of spook-raising. But beyond making themselves an +occasional nuisance to the guests I couldn't find that the phantoms did +anything practical to help along such plot as there was. Even the quite +palpable fact that the host was at least a double murderer came to +proof by the ordinary process of law rather than by any supernatural +revelation. Before this I have gratefully owed to Mrs. LOWNDES the +raising of my remaining hairs like quills upon the fretful porcupine, +but the ca'-canny bogies of her present story are too perfunctory to +excuse even a shiver in any but the most unsophisticated reader. + + * * * + +It may, I suppose, be accounted for righteousness to Major-General Sir +ARCHIBALD ANSON that in _About Others and Myself_ (MURRAY) he is so +little of an egotist as to convey scarcely any impression of what manner +of man he is or what he thinks of this or that. Much more clear from her +quoted letters is the character of his grandmother, who vainly tried +to keep the over-gallant First Gentleman of Europe out of mischief. Our +autobiographer gives us a plain, blunt, not to say bald record of what +must have been an interesting life. He was at Eton under KEATE; a cadet +at Woolwich, where he saw a gunner receive two hundred lashes; a gunnery +subaltern in the Crimea, where he saw many queer and unedifying things; +a successful administrator in Madagascar, Mauritius and Penang, and +finally Governor of the Straits Settlements, with a K.C.M.G. and +honourable retirement to follow. But he is a man of action rather than +words, and his faculty of observation is but too often exercised upon +such slender matters as that "Poor Captain Powlett met with a misfortune +on the way to Kedah. His servant laid the dinner things on the deck +of the gunboat, then went below for something and, coming up again, +accidentally walked into the middle of the crockery and glass, +causing considerable destruction." Also, I think he quotes +his testimonials--those never very candid and always very dull +documents--much too freely. The best of the book is concerned with his +administration work in Penang and district, where on the evidence he +seems to have kept his end up with skill and no small zeal for good +government. + + * * * + +The title of Lady (LAURA) TROUBRIDGE'S new novel, _O Perfect Love_ +(METHUEN), applies to her V. C. hero only; with his wife it is a case of +O Very Imperfect Love. _Jean Chartres_ is a common product of the age, +the sort of girl that insists on "having a good time" and "living her +life" and "being herself" (how well one knows the jargon!). Less common, +let us hope, is the woman who would desert her husband, as _Jean_ did, +because the injuries he had received in the War prevented him from +giving her the kind of life for which she craved. Foolish rather than +vicious, she drifts into a relationship which could have had only one +conclusion, if her lover, tiring of platonics, had not prematurely +pressed his demands. Thoroughly scared by his violence she runs away +and finds sanctuary with the "perfect love" of the title. In this happy +solution she had better fortune than she deserved. It is not every woman +who has the good luck, when rushing blindly out of the House of Peril +into the wintry night (in a ball-dress), to find--what had apparently +escaped _Jean's_ memory for the moment--that her faithful husband's +estate is in the immediate neighbourhood. Though Lady TROUBRIDGE'S sense +of style is not impeccable she can tell a good tale; her dialogue rings +true and her characters are well observed. The trouble with most authors +of Society novels is that either they know their subject but can't +write, or that they can write but know nothing of their subject. Lady +TROUBRIDGE is one of the very few writers in this kind who both know +their world and how to portray it. + + * * * + +Mr. B. BENNION follows the vogue for confidentially descriptive covers +in announcing, as a title to his volume of angling reminiscences, that +_The Trout are Rising in England and South Africa_ (LANE) and suggesting +that here is "a book for slippered ease." One is certainly warned not +to expect anything very strenuous in its course, and indeed so placidly +flow its waters that few, perhaps, but devotees of the craft will +follow it to the end. Not but what there are metaphorical trout in it, +too--enticing descriptions of bits of rivers, for instance--but on the +whole they are easy-going fish that come to bank without showing very +much sporting spirit. Here is no manual of precise information, though +even old fishermen may gather a hint or two; nor yet a guide-book to the +trout-streams of two continents; not even a collection of good stories, +though anyone may come across some old friends in it. The author's yarns +indeed are numerous and, on the whole, as an angler's yarns should be, +picturesque. If he does seem to enjoy the rather feeble joke or incident +as much as the other sort, that may be natural in a book of ease, +whether slippered or not. Indeed one half suspects it is as a book for +his own ease that the writer is mainly considering it, yet, taken in the +right spirit and especially if you are an enticer of trout, it may +be for your ease too. Of course, if you are not an angler and if your +spirit is not right, the slipper may not fit. + + * * * + +In the course of a long study of detective fiction I have never met +any sleuths with a gift of loquacity like that of _Messrs. Corson_ and +_Gibbs_, who during the first part of _In the Onyx Lobby_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON) make futile efforts to trace the murderer of _Sir Herbert +Binney_, proprietor of Binney's Buns. _Sir Herbert_ had gone to New York +to persuade his nephew to become the manager of an American branch of +a Binney Bun factory, and, on returning late at night to his +apartment-house, was stabbed to death. Fortunately Miss CAROLYN WELLS +seems to have grown as tired of them as I did, and they give way to one +_Pennington Wise_ (whose name did not prepossess me in his favour) and +his assistant, _Zizi_. This couple have the authentic sleuth-touch, and +their detection of those implicated in the murder is a very ingenious +piece of work. There is so much padding in this book that if _Sir +Herbert_ had worn a tithe of it no stabber could even have scratched +him; but with judicious skipping it will wile away two or three idle +hours. And, as I said, the solution is a really skilful piece of work. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I 'EAR SHE'S 'AD A LEGACY O' TWENTY POUNDS LEFT 'ER." + +"YES, SHE 'AS. BUT ONE GOOD THING ABOUT 'ER IS, 'ER WEALTH AIN'T SPOILT +'ER."] + + * * * * * + +Extract from an account of the unveiling of the portrait of Mr. ----, +M.P.:-- + + "It was a happy idea to unveil the portrait in a darkened room." + + _Local Paper._ + +But after the LEVERHULME-JOHN episode we ought to have been told whose +was the happy idea, the artist's or the sitter's? + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, November 24, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20392-8.txt or 20392-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/3/9/20392/ + +Produced by gvb, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 24, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 18, 2007 [EBook #20392] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by gvb, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<div class="tn"> +<a name="tn-front" id="tn-front"></a> +<h3>Transcriber’s note:</h3> + +<p>The original has a number of inconsistent spellings and punctuation. +Five corrections have been made for obvious typographical errors; +these, as well as one doubtful spelling, have been +<a class="correction" title="Like this">noted individually</a> in the text.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 159.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 24, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page401" id="page401"></a>[pg 401]</span></div> + + + + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>No sooner had the League of Nations +met at Geneva than news came of the +pending retirement of Mr. <span class="sc">Charlie +Chaplin</span>. We never seem to be able +to keep more than one Great Idea going +at a time.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Have you read Mrs. Asquith's +Book?" asks an evening paper advertisement. +"What book?" may we ask.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"In our generation," says Dean <span class="sc">Inge</span>, +"there are no great men." It is said +that Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> will not take +this lying down.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Since the Gloomy Dean's address at +Wigmore Hall it is suggested +that the world +should be sold to defray +expenses while there is +yet time.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"What is wanted to-day," +says Mr. <span class="sc">H. M. +Rioden</span>, "is a Destruction +of Pests Bill." +"Jaded Householder" +writes to say that when +this becomes law anybody +can have the name +of his rate-collector.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"M. <span class="sc">Rhallis</span>, the new +Greek Premier," says +<i>The Evening News</i>, "is +a regular reader of <i>The +Daily Mail</i>." We had +felt all along he was +one of us.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Dendrology," says +a contemporary, "is an +admirable pursuit for women." We +seem to remember, however, that one +of the earliest female arboriculturists +made a sad mess of it.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to the U.S.A. Bureau of +Standards the pressure of the jaw during +mastication is eleven tons to the square +inch. If this is propaganda work on +behalf of the United States' bacon industry +we regard it as particularly crude.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A Sioux City millionaire is said to +have paid two hundred pounds for a +goat. He claims that it is the only +thing in Iowa that has whiskers and +isn't thirsty.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Mr. Graham Bell, the inventor of +the telephone, has just visited Edinburgh, +his birthplace, after an absence +of fifty years," says a news item. We +can only say that if he invented <i>our</i> +telephone he had reason to keep away.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"After all," says an evening paper, +"the Coalition is only human." <i>The +Times</i>, however, is not quite so sure +about it.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is said that Mr. <span class="sc">Bottomley</span> is +about to make a powerful announcement +to the effect that the present year +will be nearly all over by Christmas.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>In connection with the Ministry of +Health Bill, we read, not a penny of +additional expenditure or expense will +fall on the ratepayer or taxpayer. +People are now wondering whether the +Government thought of that one themselves.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Balls made of newspapers soaked in +oil are said to be a good substitute for +coal. It seems as if newspapers are +determined to get a good circulation +somehow.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Cars that run into four figures were +to be seen at many stands at the recent +Motor Show. In the ordinary way +motor-cars run into as many figures as +get in their way.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>It appears that the man who was +knocked down in Charing Cross Road +by a motor-scooter was one of the +middle class, and so could not afford to +have it done properly by a motor-car.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is rumoured that a Radical paper +is about to offer a prize of one hundred +pounds for the best design for a <i>Daily +Mail</i> halo.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A man charged at the Guildhall admitted +that he had been convicted +sixty-seven times. Indeed it is understood +that he has only to say "Season" +to be admitted to any police-court.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Pussyfoot beaten," announces a +headline. We hear, however, that he +intends to have another try when the +water-rate is not quite so high.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A Streatham youth has been fined +ten shillings for causing a disturbance +by imitating a cat at night. He said +everything would have gone off well if +somebody had not made a noise like a +policeman.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"All men are cowards," declares a +lady-writer in a weekly journal. Still +it should be remembered that one of us +married the lady who +is now known as "Mrs. +Grundy."</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>In describing a storm +a local paper recently +stated that waves +seventy feet high lashed +themselves to fury +against the rocks. We +have always been given +to understand that +waves never exceed fifteen +feet, but we suppose +everything has gone up +since the War.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"When is the Government +going to commence +operations in +connection with the +Channel Tunnel?" asks +a correspondent in a +daily paper. We understand +that unless the +English homing rabbit, +recently released at Calais, puts in an +appearance on this side once again, the +idea will be abandoned as impracticable.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/401.png"> +<img src="images/401-th.png" width="100%" alt=""SHALL I DUST THE BRICKY-BRACK, MUM?" +"NOT TO-DAY, NORAH. I DON'T THINK WE CAN AFFORD IT.""/></a> +<p><span class="sc">"Shall I dust the bricky-brack, Mum?"<br /> + +"Not to-day, Norah. I don't think we can afford it."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<h4>High Life Below Stairs.</h4> + +<p>"Head Laundress wanted, titled lady."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Irish Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>This is what results from washing +dirty linen in public.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"L'AMITIÉ FRANCO-ANGLAISE</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Un Télégramme du roi George I</span><sup>er</sup> <span class="sc">À +M. Millerand</span>."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Le Figaro.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>The attention of the <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> +should be drawn to the unusually +long delay in delivery.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Rat Catcher then said 'Look behind.' +I looked behind, and there on the seat was +strapped a larger cake. This contained 145 +live rodents."—<i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And now the pie with the four-and-twenty +blackbirds must also take a +back seat.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page402" id="page402"></a>[pg 402]</span></div> + +<h2>BELLES OF THE BALL.</h2> + +<p>A football eleven composed of work-girls +from a Lancashire factory recently +journeyed to Paris to play a team of +French female footballers. With women +forcing an entry into the ranks of +minor professions, such as the Law and +Politics, it is doubtful if even the sacred +precincts of professional football can +now be considered safe, and Mr. Punch +wonders if he may soon find himself +reading in the Sporting Columns of the +Press paragraphs something in the +nature of the following:—</p> + +<p>Kitty Golightly, who has the reputation +of being one of the fastest young +women seen in London this season, has +now definitely thrown in her lot with +the Tottenham Hotstuff. Her forward +work is likely to cause something in +the nature of a sensation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The dropping of Hilda Smith from +the League team of Newcastle United +has been much criticised by football +enthusiasts throughout the country. +We are, however, in a position to state +that there has been trouble between +Hilda Smith and the Newcastle Directors +for some time past. It appears that +Newcastle's brilliant full-back objected +to wearing the Newcastle jersey, on the +plea that its sombre colour-scheme did +not suit her complexion. She pointed +out that Fanny Robinson, the Newcastle +goal-keeper, wore an all-red jersey +and that, as the shade chosen was +most becoming to anyone with dark +hair, she (Hilda Smith) claimed the right +to wear red also. The Newcastle +Directors replied that under the laws +of the Football Association the goal-keeper +is required to wear distinctive +colours from the rest of the team. +That being so, Hilda Smith would only +consent to turn out in future on condition +that she should play in goal, and +as the club management would not +agree to displacing Fanny Robinson +the only thing to be done was to leave +Hilda Smith out of the side entirely.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>What would have been a very serious +misfortune to the team chosen to +represent England in the forthcoming +International against Wales has only +just been averted. But for the common-sense +and good feeling of all concerned, +Dolly Brown, the English captain, +might have found herself assisting the +Welsh side instead of her own country's +eleven. Not long ago this brilliant back +became engaged to a Welsh gentleman +from Llanfairfechan and the wedding +had been fixed for Thursday next. +Under the present state of the British +Constitution a married woman takes on +the nationality of her husband, and had +the marriage been solemnized before +the International Match on Saturday +Dolly Brown would have been ineligible +for England and available for Wales. +On this being pointed out to her she +at once consented to postpone her marriage, +like the patriotic sportswoman +she is, and in the meantime legislation +is to be rushed through both Houses of +Parliament to alter the absurd state of +the law and retain for England the +services of one of the finest backs that +ever fouled a forward.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. Ted Hustler, the popular chairman +of the Villa North End Club, has +been away from home for some days, +rumour being strong in his native city +that he has gone to Scotland after Jennie +Macgregor. On our representative calling +at Mr. Hustler's house this morning +to inquire if it really were true that +Mr. Hustler has for a long time had his +eye on Jennie Macgregor, Mrs. Hustler, +the charming wife of the chairman, +was understood to reply that she would +like to catch him at it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The regrettable incident at Stamford +Bridge on Saturday last, when Gertie +Swift was sent off the field by the +referee, is to our mind yet another +example of the misguided policy of the +League management. Gertie Swift was +strongly reprimanded by Mr. G. H. +Whistler, the official in charge of the +match, for an alleged offence. Gertie +Swift retorted. Mr. Whistler warned +her. Gertie again retorted. Mr. Whistler +then ordered Gertie to retire from the +game. Whilst we quite agree that a +referee must exercise a strong control +it is perfectly obvious that no self-respecting +woman player is going to +allow any mere man to have the last +word; and the sooner the Football Association +realise this and dispense with +the services of all male referees the +better for the good of the game.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Our arrangements for a full report of +the English Cup Final are now completed. +Our fashion experts are to +journey to London with both teams, and +a detailed description of the hats and +travelling costumes worn by the players +will appear in an extra special edition +of this paper. We understand that the +two rival elevens are to turn out in silk +jumpers knitted in correct club colours +by the players' own fair hands during +the more restful periods of their strenuous +training.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A Casual Family.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Small house or flat required; one child +(off hand); any district."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>INCREASED OUTPUT.</h2> + +<p>(<i>A comparative study of incentives to +labour.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The miner's <i>rôle</i> is not for me;</p> +<p class="i4">These manual jobs I always shun;</p> +<p class="i2">In the bright realm of Poesy</p> +<p class="i4">My thrilling daily task is done.</p> +<p>My songs are wild with beauty. This is one.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Yet has the miner, not the bard,</p> +<p class="i4">A life that runs in pleasant ways;</p> +<p class="i2">His labour may be pretty hard,</p> +<p class="i4">But, when compared with mine, it <i>pays</i>.</p> +<p>Scant the reward of my exhausting days.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I bear no grudge. I don't object</p> +<p class="i4">To watch his wages soaring high,</p> +<p class="i2">If, as I'm told, we may expect</p> +<p class="i4">To see him resolutely ply</p> +<p>His task with greater vigour. So must I.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Up, Muse, and get your wings unfurled!</p> +<p class="i4">My rhymes at double speed must flow;</p> +<p class="i2">Now, from this hour, the astonished world</p> +<p class="i4">Must see my output daily grow.</p> +<p>And why? I want some coal—a ton or so.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Coal is my greatest need, the crest</p> +<p class="i4">And pinnacle of my desires;</p> +<p class="i2">And as I toil with feverish zest</p> +<p class="i4">'Twill be the dream of blazing fires</p> +<p>That spurs me to my labour and inspires.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I wonder if the miner too</p> +<p class="i4">Has visions in his dark abyss</p> +<p class="i2">Which urge him on to hack and hew</p> +<p class="i4">That he may so achieve the bliss</p> +<p>Of buying great and deathless songs (like this).</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + +<p>Notice in a Canadian book-shop:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"It often happens that you are unable to +obtain just the book you want. We specialise +in this branch of book-selling." +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Observing a straw stack on fire opposite +her house a woman removed her baby from +the bath and poured the bath water on to the +flames."—<i>Evening Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>What we admire is her presence of +mind in first removing the baby.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. and Mrs. John —— wish to return +grateful thanks to all who so kindly contributed +to their late great loss by theft."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Always be polite to burglars. You never +know when they may call again.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that Smith minor, +who in an examination paper wrote +<i>margot</i>, instead of <i>margo</i>, as the Latin +for "the limit," has been reprimanded +severely by his master.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="pagei" id="pagei"></a>[pg i]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/i-1.png"> +<img src="images/i-1-th.png" width="80%" alt="Row of copies of 'Mr. Punch's History of the Great War'" /></a> +</div> + +<h2><i>Mr. Punch's History of the Great War</i></h2> + +<div class="figleft"> +<div class="w40"> +<a href="images/i-2.png"> +<img src="images/i-2-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE OPTIMIST. +"If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is clear: Go past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to the church."" /></a> +<h4>THE OPTIMIST.</h4> + +<p>"If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is <a class="correction" title="missing colon in original">clear:</a> Go +past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to the church."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Self-praise, it used to be held, is +no recommendation; but that was +before the War. The War has +altered so many things that it may +have altered this too, and self-praise be the best +recommendation of all. Mr. Punch hopes so, +because he wants to indulge for the moment in +extolling one of his own products; he wishes, +in short, to urge upon all his readers the merits +of "Mr. Punch's History of the Great War." +Everything is here, in very noteworthy synthesis; +the tragedy and the comedy inextricably +mingled, as they must ever be, but as by more +formal historians they are not.</p> + +<p>Such is Mr. Punch's opinion on Mr. Punch's +own book, which is no formal history of the +War in the strict or scientific sense of the phrase; +no detailed record of naval and military operations. +Rather it is a mirror of varying moods, +reflecting in the main how England remained +steadfastly true to her best traditions; a reflex +of British character during the days of doubt +and the hours of hope that marked the strenuous +and wearying days of the War.</p> + +<p>All ages and classes come into the picture—combatants +and non-combatants, young and old, +men and women. And Mr. Punch's pencil plays +a part at least equal to that of his pen, the record +of each month being generously supplied with +cartoons and illustrations by famous <i>Punch</i> +artists. Into these pages has been compressed +just what we need to remember about the +War, and we are reminded of +things which we had already forgotten. +Here is the tragedy and +the pathos of the Great War—even +the comedy of those great +years of undying memory.</p> + +<p>No more popular history of +the War has been written; it has +been eulogised everywhere, for it +is a book that every citizen of the +Empire should read and be proud +to possess. As a Christmas gift +it is ideal, and will be gladly welcomed +not only by those at home, +but also by those in Canada, Australia, +India, South Africa, and +other parts of our far-flung Empire, +whose gallant sons shared +the horrors and the victory of +those four-and-a-half years.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="pageii" id="pageii"></a>[pg ii]</span></div> + +<h2><i>An Immortal Story</i></h2> + +<p>"Mr. Punch's History of the +Great War" is a History +we can all read, and all +<i>should</i> read, for here is the record of +the heroes who added to the glories +of our blood and State—a roll that +is endless—wonderful gunners and +sappers, and airmen and despatch +riders, devoted surgeons and heroic +nurses, stretcher-bearers and ambulance +drivers. "But Mr. Punch's +special heroes are the Second-Lieutenants +and the Tommy who went +on winning the War all the time, +and never said that he was winning +it until it was won."</p> + +<p>To read this book will help us +to realise the great debt, unpaid and +unpayable, to our immortal dead and +to the valiant survivors, to whom we owe freedom and security.</p> + +<p>It is "a corrective record," says <i>The Times</i>, "not only of what happened +'over there,' but of what people were saying and feeling at home"; while +<i>The Morning Post</i> remarked: "Here Mr. Punch is the nation, deftly +wielding the weapon of ridicule that has helped to kill so many enemy +tyrants."</p> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w40"> +<a href="images/ii.png"> +<img src="images/ii-th.png" width="100%" alt="OUR MAN. +With Mr. Punch's Grateful +Compliments to Field-Marshal Sir DOUGLAS HAIG. +["Punch," November 29th, 1918." /></a> +<p class="center">OUR MAN.</p> + +<p class="center">With Mr. Punch's Grateful Compliments to Field-Marshal +Sir <span class="sc">Douglas Haig</span>.</p> +<p class="right">["<i>Punch," November 29th</i>, 1918.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<table width="90%" border="0" summary="Advert for Mr. Punch's History of the +Great War'"> +<tr> +<td> + +<table border="0" summary="Advert for Mr. Punch's History of the +Great War' - left side"> +<tr> +<td class="left"> +<p class="emph"><i>This Most Acceptable Gift costs 10s. 6d. <span class="smaller">net</span></i></p> +<p class="right"><span class="smaller">Postage Extra</span></p> +<p class="center"><i>Published by</i><br />CASSELL & Co., Ltd.<br />La Belle Sauvage, London, E.C.4</p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +</td> +<td> </td> +<td valign="top"> + +<table border="0" summary="Advert for Mr. Punch's History of the +Great War' - order form"> +<tr> +<td class="inset"> +<div class="rh"> +<p><b>Use this Order Form for</b></p> +<h1>The Ideal Gift Book</h1> + +<p class="right">....................................<i>19</i>.......</p> +<p><i>To</i> ..........................................................................................</p> +<p>...............................................................................................</p> + + +<p><i><span class="dropcap">P</span><b>LEASE</b> supply to me</i>.........<i>cop</i>...... <i>of <b>"Mr. PUNCH'S +HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR,"</b> at 10s. 6d. +net, published by Cassell & Co., Ltd., La Belle Sauvage, +London, E.C.4, by arrangement with the Proprietors of +"Punch." <br />I enclose £ +: :</i></p> + + +<p><i>Name</i>.......................................................................................</p> + +<p><i>Address</i>....................................................................................</p> +</div> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page403" id="page403"></a>[pg 403]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/403.png"> +<img src="images/403-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE LAST STRAW. +THE CAMEL DRIVER. "NOW, WHICH HUMP HAD THIS BETTER GO ON?" +THE CAMEL. "IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME. IT'S BOUND TO BREAK MY BACK ANYHOW.""/></a> +<h4>THE LAST STRAW.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">The Camel Driver</span>. "NOW, WHICH HUMP HAD THIS BETTER GO ON?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Camel</span>. "IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME. IT'S BOUND TO BREAK MY BACK ANYHOW."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page404" id="page404"></a>[pg 404]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/404.png"> +<img src="images/404-th.png" width="100%" alt="Old Josh (who has just purchased stamp). +"WOULD YER MIND A-STICKIN' OF IT ON FOR ME, MISSIE? OI BAIN'T NO SCHOLARD.""/></a> +<p><i>Old Josh (who has just purchased stamp).</i> <span class="sc">"Would yer mind a-stickin' of it on for me, missie? Oi bain't no scholard."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.</h2> + +<p class="center">III.—<span class="sc">Sir Eric Geddes</span>.</p> + +<p>Which is boyhood's commonest ambition, +to run away to sea or to be something +on a railway line? And how +few, when they are grown up, find that +they have realised either of these desires! +The present Minister of Transport +has freely confessed to his intimates +that more than once, when he +was floating paper-boats in his bath or +climbing a tree in the garden to look +out for icebergs from the crow's-nest, +he felt in his child's heart that water +was the ultimate quest, the adventure, +the gleam. And yet for many a long +year railways entranced and enslaved +him. Often he would sit for hours, forgetful +of the griddle cakes rapidly being +burnt to a cinder, and gaze at the puffs +of steam coming from the spout of the +kettle or the quick vibrations of its lid, +planning in his mind some greater and +better engine that should be known +perhaps as The Snorting Eric, and be +enshrined in glass on Darlington platform.</p> + +<p>Once, when he had bought a small +model stationary engine and the methylated +spirit lamp had by some accident +set fire to the carpet, he was found after +the conflagration had subsided standing +serenely amongst the wreckage. +When challenged as to its cause, "I +cannot tell a lie," he replied calmly; +"I did it with my little gadget." A +few months later he and the present +Ambassador of Great Britain at Washington +had constructed a double line +of miniature tracks, which connected +all the rooms on the ground floor of +the house and considerably interfered +with the parlourmaid's duties. It was +known to the family as the Great +Auckland Railway. Another favourite +hobby of the young engineer was to +lie on his back and watch the spider +spin her web, comparing the results +with a railway map of Great Britain. +It was seldom that he went to bed +without having learnt at least a page +of <i>Bradshaw</i> by heart.</p> + +<p>Going from strength to strength this +apparently dreamy lad had climbed the +giddy rungs of fame until, at the outbreak +of war, he stood with the ball at +his feet and the title of Deputy General +Manager of the N.E.R. It was he who +had invented the system whereby the +handle of the heating apparatus in railway +carriages could be turned either to +<span class="sc">off</span> or <span class="sc">on</span> without any consequent infiltration +of steam, thereby saving +passengers from the peril of death by +suffocation. It was he who, thumping +the table with an iron fist, had insisted +vehemently that caged parrots travelling +in the rack should, if capable +of speech, be compelled to pay the full +fare. It was he who effected one of +the greatest economies that the line had +ever known by using rock-cakes which +had served their term of years in the +refreshment-room as a substitute for +the keys which hold the metals of the +permanent way in their chairs.</p> + +<p>In the summer of 1914 he was about +to adopt a patent device for connecting +the official notices in compartments +with gramophones concealed under the +seats in such a way that when humourists +had by dint of much labour made +the customary emendations, such as "<span class="sc">It +is dangerous to leap out of the +windows</span>," "<span class="sc">To stop the rain pull +down the chain</span>" and "<span class="sc">To eat five +persons only</span>," a loud and merry peal +of laughter should suddenly hail the +completed masterpiece.</p> + +<p>Armageddon supervened, and the rest +of Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes'</span> career is history. +When a new and sure hand was needed +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page405" id="page405"></a>[pg 405]</span> +at the Admiralty, Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> +was not long in making the only suitable +choice. Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span>' bluff +hearty manner, positively smacking, +despite his inland training, of all that +a viking ought to smack of, had long +marked him out as the ideal ruler of +the King's Navy, and his name was +soon known and feared wherever the +seagull dips its wing. Underneath the +breezy exterior lay an iron will, like a +precipitate in a tonic for neurasthenia, +and scarcely had he boarded the famous +building in Whitehall and mounted his +quarter-deck (Naval terms are always +used at the Admiralty, the windows +being called "port-holes" and the staircases +the "companion") than victory +began to crown the arms of the Senior +Service.</p> + +<p>But peace no less than war finds an +outlet for the energies of the old sea-dog, +and the veriest hint of a railway +strike finds him ready with flotillas of +motor lorries in commission and himself +in his flag char-à-banc, aptly named +the Queen of Eryx, at their head. +Lever, marlin-spike or steering wheel, +it is all one to the brain which can co-ordinate +squadrons as easily as rolling-stock, +to the man who is now sometimes +known as the Stormy Petrol of +the Cabinet. Yet even so the sailor is +strongest in him still. It is not +generally known that Sir <span class="sc">Eric</span> has +already cocked his weather eye at our +inland waterways as an auxiliary line +of defence in case of need. Experience +has taught him that it is even now +quicker to travel, let us say, from +Boston (Lincs.) to Wolverhampton, by +river and canal than by rail, and the +future may yet see Thames, Trent and +Severn churned to foam by motor +barges of incredible rapidity, distributing +the nation's food supplies.</p> + +<p>This is one of the things that the +Ministry of Transport has, so to say, +up its sleeve, and is alone a sufficient +answer to those who suggest that this +Ministry has outlived its hour. There +is a grim Norse spirit amongst its +officials, inspired perhaps by their chieftain's +name, and already the plans for +a first-class Pullman galley are under +way. As <span class="sc">Longfellow</span> sings:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Never saw the wild North Sea</p> +<p>Such a gallant company</p> +<p class="i4">Sail its billows blue;</p> +<p>Never, while they cruised and quarrelled,</p> +<p>Old King Gorm or Blue Tooth Harold,</p> +<p>Owned a ship so well apparelled,</p> +<p class="i4">Boasted such a crew."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="author">K.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. P. G. H. Fender, the Surrey cricket +captain who has gone out with the M.C.C. +team to Australia, is preparing a book on the +tour, for which he has chosen the title of +'Defending the Ashes.'"—<i>Weekly Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Quite the proper function for a <span class="sc">Fender</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/405.png"> +<img src="images/405-th.png" width="100%" alt="Tailor (to yokel who has brought suit back "WHAT'S WRONG? DON'T THEY FIT?" +Yokel "OH, AY, THEY FIT ALL RIGHT, BUT (pointing to fashion-plates) WOT'S USE O' THEY PICTURES IF YOU BAIN'T GOIN' TO BIDE BY UN.""/></a> +<p><i>Tailor (to yokel who has brought suit back)</i>. "<span class="sc">What's wrong</span>? <span class="sc">Don't they fit</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Yokel.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, ay, they <i>fit</i> all right, but</span> (<i>pointing to fashion-plates</i>) <span class="sc">wot's use +o' they pictures if you bain't goin' to bide by un."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ELFIN TENNIS.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Once in a fold of the hill I caught them—</p> +<p class="i2">All by my lone was I—</p> +<p>Out on the downs one night in Autumn,</p> +<p class="i2">Under a moonlit sky.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>There on a smooth little green rectangle</p> +<p class="i2">Sparkled the lines of dew;</p> +<p>Over the court with their wings a-spangle</p> +<p class="i2">Four little fairies flew;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Skeleton leaves in their hands for racquets</p> +<p class="i2">(All in a ring around</p> +<p>Brownies and elves in their bright green jackets</p> +<p class="i2">Watched from the rising ground).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then, as I crept up close for clearer</p> +<p class="i2">Sight of the Fairy Queen,</p> +<p><i>Oberon</i>, throned on a toadstool near her,</p> +<p class="i2">Carolled out "Love fifteen."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Over a net of the fairies' knitting</p> +<p class="i2">(Fine-spun gossamer thread)</p> +<p>Smallest of tiny puff-balls flitting</p> +<p class="i2">Hither and thither sped.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>So for a minute I watched them, shrinking</p> +<p class="i2">Low in the gorse-bush shade;</p> +<p>Then, like a mortal fool unthinking,</p> +<p class="i2">Shouted aloud, "Well played!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Right in the midst of an elfin rally</p> +<p class="i2">Sudden I stood alone;</p> +<p>Far away over the distant valley</p> +<p class="i2">Fairies and elves had flown.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page406" id="page406"></a>[pg 406]</span></div> + +<h2>A D'ANNUNZIO DIALOGUE.</h2> + +<p class="note">[From which will be perceived not only that telephonic communication +exists between Fiume and Lucerne, but also that there is an +easy way out of the difficulty with Greece if only the League of +Nations will utilise the instrument that lies to their hand.]</p> + +<div class="poem"> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">D'Annunzio (testily)</i>. Hello, Lucerne! Hello! Is that the Greek <span class="sc">King</span>?</p> +<p class="i10">Confound this buzz! Is that you, <span class="sc">Tino</span>? +<span class="hem">Speaking.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">King Constantine.</i></p> +<p class="i10">What do you want? I'm packing up my grip.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i><span class="sc">D'Annunzio</span> speaks. Attend the trumpet's lip.</p> +<p class="i10">Snatching a few brief moments, <span class="sc">Constantine</span>,</p> +<p class="i10">Out of my business morning—eight to nine,</p> +<p class="i10">Composing epic poems; nine to one,</p> +<p class="i10">Consolidating our position in the sun</p> +<p class="i10">(Sweet Alexandrine!), breakfast, bath and post,</p> +<p class="i10">A raid or two on the Dalmatian coast,</p> +<p class="i10">Speeches, parades and promulgating laws</p> +<p class="i10">Which, being published to my followers, cause</p> +<p class="i10">Loud cries of "Author!" and sustained applause;</p> +<p class="i10">Such is the round of toil that leaves not limp</p> +<p class="i10">Fiume's favoured Pontifex et Imp.—</p> +<p class="i10">I thought I'd ring you up. +<span class="hem">Well, well, what is it?</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">King Con.</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i> I hear you are proposing to revisit</p> +<p class="i10">Athens. +<span class="hem">Well, if I am, what's that to you?</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">King Con.</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i> This, that, whilst gazing at the local blue</p> +<p class="i10">The other day, I hit upon the plan</p> +<p class="i10">Of conquering the Mediterranean,</p> +<p class="i10">Including the Ægean and the finer</p> +<p class="i10">Portions, most probably, of Asia Minor,</p> +<p class="i10">And holding them as provinces beneath</p> +<p class="i10">Fiume and my own imperial wreath.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">King Con.</i> Go on, then, dash you. +<span class="hem">I shall soon begin;</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i></p> +<p class="i10">But I decline to have you butting in.</p> +<p class="i10">Tyrants there still may be, but not the sort</p> +<p class="i10">Discarded from a philo-Teuton Court;</p> +<p class="i10">The tolerant warmth that sheds a kind of lustre</p> +<p class="i10">Over a stout Ausonian filibuster</p> +<p class="i10">Does not extend to thoroughly bad hats</p> +<p class="i10">Like abdicated Hellene autocrats.</p> +<p class="i10">And, if the Allies feel some slight reserve</p> +<p class="i10">About resisting your confounded nerve,</p> +<p class="i10">I, <span class="sc">Gabriele</span>, do not. You may be</p> +<p class="i10">A kind of subject satrap under me;</p> +<p class="i10">If not, look out. You shall have cause to know</p> +<p class="i10">The singing eagles of <span class="sc">D'Annunzio</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i class="sp">King Con.</i> I'll think it over. +<span class="hem">Do so swiftly then;</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i class="sp">D'Ann.</i></p> +<p class="i10">Meanwhile good morning; I must see some men—</p> +<p class="i10">Also the Muse. She waits upon my pen.</p> +<p class="direction"><i>[Rings off</i>.</p> +</div> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p> + +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"How many cocktails are there? 'William,' the mixer at the +Royal Automobile lub, who was for eayrs at the Hotel ecil, states +that he can produce some 70 varieties without repeating himself."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And did the author of the above paragraph try them all?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Towards the conclusion of the meeting Miss Dolly —— sang the +solo 'The City of Light' in a very able style, and, as Mr. —— mentioned +in a vote of thanks, which he proposed, seconded and supported, +to the Chairman, speaker, accompanist, and soloist, she excelled +herself."—<i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We understand that the Gasworkers' Union has remonstrated +with the orator on his excessive output.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SNIPER.</h2> + +<p>Brackley is a good fellow, but I loathe him.</p> + +<p>How would you like it if you were tied to work and +every now and then a man came up to you in your club +and said, "Old man, do come away with me to the Pyrenees +and shoot jummel," or "Can't you spare a month, old +fellow, to come stalking ibex in Montenegro with me?" +or "Look here, you're just the chap I want to run over +to Alaska with me for a pot at the grizzlies"?</p> + +<p>Just a fortnight ago Brackley came and told me of a +delightful rough shooting he had rented in an obscure +corner of Ireland. According to him it was a congested +snipe area. You could not see the pools for wild-duck. The +honking of wild-geese kept one awake at night. The +drawback to the estate was that you were always tripping +over hares.</p> + +<p>"You won't be safe there," I said to Brackley.</p> + +<p>"I'm safe anywhere," said Brackley. "Work it on +system. In Arabia send the mullah a bottle of brandy. +On the Continent stand the local mayor a bottle of wine. +In Ireland ask the priest up to drink whiskey with you in +the evening. So long as the authorities have their thirst +relieved there's never trouble. Now just come for a fortnight. +There'll be crowds of snipe. I'm told there are +woodcock too."</p> + +<p>I was adamant.</p> + +<p>"Well," sighed Brackley, "I'll send you a card to say +how I get on."</p> + +<p>When his postcard arrived it ran:—</p> + +<table border="0" class="w60" summary="Postcard from Ballinagrub"> +<tr><td class="sle">"To-day—</td><td class="sri">"<i>Ballinagrub</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="ind2">Ten brace snipe.</p></td><td><p class="ind2">Four landrail.</p></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="ind2">One brace partridge.</p></td><td><p class="ind2">Three wild-duck.</p></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="ind2">Nine hares.</p></td><td><p class="ind2">One woodcock.</p></td></tr> +<tr><td class="sle">"What ho!"</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>Isn't that an aggravating card to get when you are deep +in the most elusive and trying chase of all—the money +hunt?</p> + +<p>I wrote Brackley a scornful postcard:—</p> + +<p>"Go on with your baleful schemes. Wallow in slaughter. +Roll in blood. Devastate the district. As an honest +hard-working Englishman I regard you with utter contempt."</p> + +<p>Three days later Brackley slapped me on the back in our +club.</p> + +<p>"What are you doing here?" I said. "Don't tell me +the snipe have gone on strike."</p> + +<p>"All your fault," he grumbled. "About half-an-hour +after I got your infernal postcard six outsize Republican +soldiers called on me and gave me just ten minutes to get +a car and drive to the station. I told them what a silly +fool you were and that it was one of your wretched jokes; +but you can't expect an Irishman to see a joke. I tried to +explain it; I said that you referred to my exploits as a +sniper; and they replied that sniping was their department +and nobody else's.</p> + +<p>"So I decided to come home and arrange for some shooting +in a place where there's a bit of peace. I'm thinking of +going after the ongdu antelopes in Somaliland. You can't +spare three months, can you?"</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you face it out?" I said, knowing that +Brackley had spent four years and two months of his life +shooting Huns.</p> + +<p>"Not worth while. I could have had a guard, of course. +But you can't expect decent snipe-shooting when there's a +lot of promiscuous firing going on in the district. The snipe +is a peculiarly nervous bird, you know."</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page407" id="page407"></a>[pg 407]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/407.png"> +<img src="images/407-th.png" width="50%" alt="HUMOROUS DRAMA: AN UNREHEARSED DIVERSION."/></a> +<h4>HUMOROUS DRAMA: AN UNREHEARSED DIVERSION.</h4> +</div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page408" id="page408"></a>[pg 408]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/408.png"> +<img src="images/408-th.png" width="50%" alt="Porter. "DO YOU WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER, OR VICE-VERSA?""/></a> +<p class="center"><i>Porter</i>. "<span class="sc">Do you want to sit next to one another, or vice-versa?"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A FOOTNOTE TO THE "BAB BALLADS."</h2> + +<p class="note">[The Vice-Chairman of No. 1 Committee +of the League of Nations, dealing with general +organisation, is Mr. <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>, the +distinguished Chinese diplomatist.]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Serene and Celestial Sage,</p> +<p class="i2">How well you revive and renew</p> +<p>The delights of an age when good "Bab" was the rage—</p> +<p class="i2">Eminent <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For I feel, though I may be a fool,</p> +<p class="i2">You were reared in remote Rum-ti-Foo,</p> +<p>Maybe suffered at school its episcopal rule—</p> +<p class="i2">Tolerant <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Next I see you adorning the scene</p> +<p class="i2">In the city of fair Titipu,</p> +<p>Garbed in green and in gold, very fine to behold—</p> +<p class="i2">Sumptuous <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then you probably met <i>Captain Reece</i></p> +<p class="i2">And all his affectionate crew,</p> +<p>Who knew no decrease of their comfort and peace—</p> +<p class="i2">Nautical <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Clonglocketty Angus McClan</i></p> +<p class="i2">I fear was withheld from your view;</p> +<p>That unfortunate man was not fated to scan</p> +<p class="i2">Fortunate <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But my reason instinctively tells</p> +<p class="i2">It was you who contrived to imbue</p> +<p>With his knowledge of spells <i>John Wellington Wells</i>—</p> +<p class="i2">Magical <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Morality, heavenly link,"</p> +<p class="i2">I'm sure you will never taboo,</p> +<p>Though to it I don't think you'll "eternally drink"—</p> +<p class="i2">Temperate <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>It is rather malicious, I own,</p> +<p class="i2">To play with a name that is true,</p> +<p>But I hope you'll condone my irreverent tone—</p> +<p class="i2">Generous <span class="sc">Wellington Koo</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Royal Exiles</span>.</p> + +<p>Some archdukes have become clerks, and +many have become governesses and ladies' +maids."—<i>Tasmanian Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>For these last two posts, their archness +would, we think, be an irresistible +qualification.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Nurses Wanted</span>.</p> + +<p class="center">540 Hours Working Week.</p> + +<p>Extra pay at special rates for any time +worked in excess of ordinary working hours."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>The generous provision for "overtime" +makes the above offer unusually attractive.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IF THEY WERE AT SCHOOL.</h2> + +<p>(<i>That is, if the House of Commons +were like our School Debating Society—as +indeed it is—and if its proceedings +were reported with the incisive brevity +of our School Magazine—and why not?</i>)</p> + +<p>On Wednesday the Society held its +2,187th meeting. There was some +regrettable rowdiness during Private +Business, and <span class="sc">A. Moseley</span> (Collegers) +had to be ejected for asking too many +questions. Members must not bring +bags of gooseberries into the debates.</p> + +<p>In Public Business the motion was:—</p> + +<p>"<i>That in the opinion of this House +Science is better than Sport</i>."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">D. Lloyd George</span>, Proposer (School +House), said that Science had won the +War, and quoted Wireless Telegraphy +and Daylight Saving to prove this. The +most successful Generals had had a +scientific training. His uncle had met +a General who knew algebra and used +it at the Battle of the Marne. Only +two first-class cricketers had ever been +in the Cabinet. Three scientists had. +The earth went round the sun. The +moon went round the earth. Rivers +flowed into the ocean.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + An improving speaker, who is inclined + to be carried away by his enthusiasm. + Too many metaphors. +</p></blockquote> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page409" id="page409"></a>[pg 409]</span></div> + +<p><span class="sc">H. Asquith</span>, Opposer (Collegers), +said that the speech of the hon. +Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, +as ineffective as they were insincere. +Never in the whole course of his career +had he encountered a subterfuge so +transparent, a calumny so shameless +as the attempt of the Hon. Prop., he +might say the calculated and cynical +attempt of the Hon. Prop., to seduce +from their faith the tenacious acolytes +of Sport by the now threadbare recital +of the dubious and, on his own showing, +the anæmic enticements of Science. +The War had proved that Science was +no good.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + This speaker is steadily improving, + but he has a tendency to a "fatal + fluency," and he must beware of high-sounding + phrases. Also too many + passages in his speech sounded like + quotations. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">A. Bonar Law</span>, Seconder (Commoners), +said that the War had proved +that Sport was no good. Gas had been +invented by Science. He pointed out +the importance of astronomy in navigation.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + A rapidly improving speaker. But + he must not mumble. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">E. G. <a class="correction" title="most likely misprint for 'PRETYMAN' - see ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT below">Prettyman</a></span> (Hodgeites) said +that farming was both a science and a +sport. The canal system of Great +Britain had been neglected.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + Some neat little epigrams. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">Leslie Scott</span> (Collegers) said that +his father was a lawyer. Science had +been used in the Russo-Japanese War.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + This speaker was not at his best. + Perhaps it was the gooseberries. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">Leslie Wilson</span> (Hittites) said that +his Christian name was the same as +the previous speaker's—(Laughter)—but +his views were very different. +(Loud laughter.) He would like to +ask the House which had done most +in the War—Tanks or Banks.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + The speech of the evening. Witty + and well-argued. But he must not + fidget with his waistcoat-buttons. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">W. S. Churchill</span> (Hivites) said that +this was a revolutionary motion. Sport +and Science must stand together. True +sport was scientific and true scientists +were sportsmen. (Applause.) Together +they would stand as an imperishable +bulwark against the relentless tide of +Socialism. Divided they would fall.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + A steadily improving speaker, but + he must not recite. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">H. A. L. Fisher</span> (Collegers) was in +favour of Proportional Education.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + He must not lecture. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">E. Geddes</span> (Perizzites) said he did +not mind what game he played. Rugger, +Soccer, Hockey, Cricket, Lacrosse, +Rounders—he was equally at home +with all of them.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + An improving speaker. He must + not speak at the roof; there is no one + there. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">F. Banbury</span> (Sittites) must not go on +and on.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">A. Mond</span> (Moabites) must not fidget +with his feet.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">H. D. King</span> (Hivites) said that sailing +was scientific.</p> + +<blockquote><p> + He has not been heard before. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">R. Kenworthy</span> (Day-boy) must not +be heard again.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">R. Brace</span> (Coalites) must not +wheedle.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Adamson</span> (Coalites) must not shout.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">A. Addison</span> (Collegers) was inaudible +where we were.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">E. Carson</span> (Jebusites) was inaudible +everywhere. But we gather we did +not miss much. He must speak up.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">W. Benn</span> (Amalekites) was invisible.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">A. Balfour</span> (Stalactites) was insensible. +But why not sleep in the dormitory?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">R. Cecil</span> <i>mi.</i> (Parasites) must not +preach.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">J. Devlin</span> (Meteorites) said that Ireland +was a nation. But he must not get +excited.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">R. Cecil</span> <i>ma.</i> (Collegers) must not +eat while he is speaking. Otherwise a +gentlemanly speech.</p> + +<p>The President summed up and the +Motion was carried by 12 votes to 11.</p> + +<p class="author">A. P. H.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/409.png"> +<img src="images/409-th.png" width="100%" alt="AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL. +OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS."/></a> +<h4>AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL.</h4> + +<p>OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, +FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON +THE STAIRS.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page410" id="page410"></a>[pg 410]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/410.png"> +<img src="images/410-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS. +"LADIES AND GENTS, I 'OPE YOU WILL LET ME 'AVE YOUR KIND +ATTENTION WHILE I GIVE A RENDERING OF 'RULE, BRITANNIA,' THE +NATIONAL SONG OF BRITAIN, ACCOMPANYIN' MYSELF ON THE 'ARP, +WICH I LEARNED TO PLAY WEN I WAS SERVIN' IN THE ARMY OF +OCCUPATION IN THAT REMOTE AND BARBAROUS ISLAND.""/></a> +<h4>THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Ladies and gents, I 'ope you will let me 'ave your kind attention while I give a rendering of 'Rule, Britannia,' +the national song of Britain, accompanyin' myself on the 'arp, wich I learned to play wen I was servin' in the army +of occupation in that remote and barbarous island."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A DIFFICULT CASE.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—This is one of +those social problems which end by +asking what A should do, only in this +case I want to know what you would +do.</p> + +<p>It happened on the first day of my +leave, just after I had, as is my custom +on this day, had my hair cut and otherwise +made beautiful at a place in Bond +Street. (I am afraid this sounds as if +I was a rich man, but really I am a +Naval Officer.)</p> + +<p>I was wearing—well, that would not +interest you, but it really was rather a +pleasant suit, with a hat which even +<i>The Daily Mail</i> could not improve +upon. Briefly, I was strolling along +in a perfectly contented frame of mind +when a horse, drawing a van, chose to +fall down right alongside me.</p> + +<p>In a moment of rashness and chivalry—have +I said that the horse was being +driven by a girl?—I promptly sat on +the brute's head, an act which I had +always been told is the correct thing to +do, though, I should imagine, discouraging +for the horse.</p> + +<p>In my haste I sat down with my +back to the van, so was unable to gauge +the progress of the refitting work which +was going on.</p> + +<p>In an effort to convey to the crowd, +which had, of course, collected, that I +was in no way embarrassed, nay more, +that I was well accustomed to sitting +on horses' heads in the middle of Bond +Street, I lit a cigarette and tried to +look <i>blasé</i>, no easy thing to do in the +circumstances.</p> + +<p>Small boys made tactless remarks +about my personal appearance and +eccentric habits, but I ignored them, +feverishly thinking that this adventure +would necessitate an early visit to my +club. I had just decided what brand +of cocktail would best meet the case +when I felt a tap on my shoulder and +looked up at a vast blue expanse which +I realised later was a policeman.</p> + +<p>"If you've quite finished with that +there 'orse you're sitting on, young +man," he said, "the leddy wants to +take it 'ome."</p> + +<p>The crowd chuckled and I rose +hurriedly. Unfortunately, so did the +horse, urged on, possibly by the cries +and kicks of several willing helpers, or +possibly by the sight of his mistress, +who had come up, I hoped, to thank me.</p> + +<p>Not only did the horse rise, but he +rose at full speed and without giving +me time to get my foot off the rein on +which I was unwittingly standing.</p> + +<p>My leg shot into the air and I lost +all sense of direction for a few seconds. +Then a slight shock, and I found myself +clasping the "leddy" firmly round +the neck.</p> + +<p>At this juncture my aunt appeared.</p> + +<p>My aunt, I should explain, is nothing +if not dignified. She is built on the +lines of a monitor, bluff in the bow, +broad in the beam, slow and majestic +of movement. Her lips were moving +feebly when I saw her, but she uttered +no sound, uncertain, I suppose, whether +to intervene or to pretend that I was +in no way connected with her.</p> + +<p>Paralysed by her arrival, I saw her +slowly take in the scene. Her eye +wandered from the policeman to me, +from me to the unfortunate girl to +whom I still clung. I could see her +jumping—no, moving ponderously—towards +the wrong conclusion.</p> + +<p>Mr. Punch, what would you have +done?</p> + +<p class="i5">Yours faithfully, An N.O.</p> + +<p>[Your first thought should have been +for the girl, whom you had clearly compromised +in your aunt's eyes. You should +at once have introduced her to that +lady as your long-lost <i>fiancée</i>. Later +in the afternoon you could have called +on your relative and told her that you +had mislaid the girl again—this time +irretrievably.—<span class="sc">Ed</span>.]</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page411" id="page411"></a>[pg 411]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/411.png"> +<img src="images/411-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE FOLLY OF ATHENS. +ATHENA (to her Owl). "SAY 'TINO'!" +THE OWL. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF WISDOM.""/></a> +<h4>THE FOLLY OF ATHENS.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Athena</span> (<i>to her Owl</i>). "SAY 'TINO'!"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Owl</span>. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF WISDOM."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page412" id="page412"></a>[pg 412]</span><br /></div> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page413" id="page413"></a>[pg 413]</span></div> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p><i>Monday, November 15th.</i>—To induce +the House of Lords to accept a measure +for the compulsory acquisition of land +is analogous to the process of getting +butter out of a dog's +mouth; and it is not +surprising that Lord +<span class="sc">Peel</span> essayed the task +of getting a second +reading for an Acquisition +of Lands Bill in +rather gingerly fashion. +When one remembered +a racy correspondence +in the +newspapers over certain +Midlothian farms +one could hardly have +been surprised if the +Laird of <span class="sc">Dalmeny</span> +had reappeared in the +arena, flourishing his +claymore. But, alas! +he still remains in retirement, +and it was +left to Lord <span class="sc">Sumner</span> +to administer some +sound legal thwacks +and, in his own words, +to "dispel the mirage +which the noble Viscount +raised over the +sand of a very arid +Bill." He did not oppose +the Second Reading, +but hinted that if +ever it emerged from Committee its +own draftsman would not know <a class="correction" title="missing period in original">it.</a></p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">President of the Board of +Trade</span> must regard Monday with rather +mixed feelings. That is the day on which +Questions addressed to his Department +have first place on the Order-paper; +and accordingly he has a lively quarter-of-an-hour +in coping with the contradictory +conundrums of Cobdenites and +Chamberlainites. On the whole he treads +the fiscal tight-rope with an imperturbability +worthy of <span class="sc">Blondin</span>. A Tariff Reformer, +indignant at the increased imports +of foreign glass-ware, provoked +the query, "Does my hon. friend regard +bottles as a key-industry?" And a Wee +Free Trader who sarcastically inquired +if foreign countries complained of our +dumping cement on them at prices +much above the cost in this country +was promptly told that "that is the +very reverse of dumping."</p> + +<div class="figright"> +<div class="w40"> +<a href="images/413-1.png"> +<img src="images/413-1-th.png" width="100%" alt="THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS. +Conductor ADDISON (to Driver LAW). "WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET 'OME BY CHRISTMAS WITH ALL THEM PASSENGERS ON TOP? WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE I TOOK 'EM ON?""/></a> +<h4>THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS.</h4> + +<p><i>Conductor <span class="sc">Addison</span> (to Driver <span class="sc">Law</span>).</i> <span class="sc">"What, you can't get 'ome by Christmas +with all them passengers on top? Well, why didn't you tell me +before I took 'em on?"</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">Donald Maclean</span> was rewarded +to-night for all his uphill work as +leader of the Wee Frees before—and +since—Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith's</span> reappearance. On +the Financial Resolution of the Ministry +of Health Bill his eloquent plea for the +harassed ratepayers received an almost +suspiciously prompt response from Mr. +<span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, who admitted that it was +inconvenient to drive an "omnibus" +measure of this kind through an Autumn +Session, and intimated that thirteen of +its clauses would be jettisoned. An +appeal from Lady <span class="sc">Astor</span>, that the +Government should not "economise in +health," fell upon deaf ears. Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span> +not only enumerated the thirteen +doomed clauses, but threw in a fourteenth +for luck.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday, November 16th.</i>—I don't suppose +Lord <span class="sc">Crewe</span> and the other noble +Lords who enlarged upon the theme +"<i>Persicos odi</i>" expected to embarrass +the <span class="sc">Foreign Secretary</span> by their cross-questioning. +Persia is to Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> +what "de brier-patch" +was to <i>Brer Rabbit</i>. +He has been cultivating +it all his life, and +knows every twist and +turn of its complicated +history, ancient and +modern. The gist of +his illuminating lecture +to the Peers was +that our one aim had +been to maintain Persian +independence +with due regard to +British interests, and +that it now rested +with the Persians +themselves to decide +their own destiny.</p> + +<div class="figleft"> +<div class="w25"> +<a href="images/413-2.png"> +<img src="images/413-2-th.png" alt="BRER RABBIT IN HIS ELEMENT. +LORD CURZON."/></a> +<h4>BRER <a class="correction" title="original had 'RABBBIT'">RABBIT</a> IN HIS ELEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Lord Curzon.</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Hopes of a relaxation +of the passport +restrictions were a +little dashed by Mr. +<span class="sc">Harmsworth's</span> announcement +that the +fees received for British +visas amounted +to some fifty per cent. +more than the cost +of the staff employed. +The Government will +naturally be loth to +scrap a Department which actually +earns its keep.</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">War Minister</span> was again badgered +about the hundred Rolls-Royces +that he had ordered for Mesopotamia. +Now that we were contemplating withdrawal +was it necessary to have them? +To this Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> replied that the +new Arab State would still require our +assistance. A mental picture of the +sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobiles +<i>de luxe</i> presented itself to Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span>, +who gave notice that he should "reduce" +the Army Estimates by the +price of the chassis. A little later Mr. +<span class="sc">Churchill</span> came down heavily on an +innocent Coalitionist who had proffered +suggestions as to the better safeguarding +of the troops in Ireland. "Odd as +it may seem," he told him, "this +aspect of the question has engaged the +attention of the military authorities."</p> + +<p>In the course of debate on the Agricultural +Bill, Mr. <span class="sc">Acland</span> hinted that +Sir <span class="sc">F. Banbury</span>, one of its severest +critics, was out of touch with rural +affairs. Whereupon Mr. <span class="sc">Pretyman</span> +came to the rescue with the surprising +revelation that the junior Member for +the City of London, in addition to his +vocations as banker, stockbroker and +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page414" id="page414"></a>[pg 414]</span> +railway director, had on one occasion +carried out the functions of "shepherd +to a lambing flock." The right hon. +Baronet, who is known to his intimates +as "Peckham," will have Mr. <span class="sc">Pretyman</span> +to thank if his <i>sobriquet</i> in future +is "Little Bo-Peep."</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, November 17th.</i>—The +Lords, having welcomed the Bishop of +<span class="sc">Durham</span>—a notable addition to the oratorical +strength of the Episcopal Bench—proceeded +to show that even the lay +peers had not much to learn in the +matter of polite invective. Lord <span class="sc">Gainford</span> +invited them to declare that the +Government should forthwith reduce +its swollen Departmental staffs and incidentally +relieve our open spaces from +the eyesores that now +disfigure them. Perhaps +he laid overmuch +stress upon the latter +part of his motion, for +the Ministerial spokesman +rode off on this +line—Lord <span class="sc">Crawford</span> +confessing that his artistic +sensibility was +outraged by these "horrible +hutments"—and +said very little about +cutting down the staffs. +This way of treating the +matter dissatisfied the +malcontents, who voted +down the Ministry.</p> + +<div class="figright"> +<div class="w40"> +<a href="images/414.png"> +<img src="images/414-th.png" width="100%" alt="AMOR TRIUMPHANS. +(After the Pompeii mosaic.) +WITH MR. PUNCH'S BEST WISHES TO CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN."/></a> +<h4>AMOR TRIUMPHANS.</h4> + +<p class="center">(<i>After the Pompeii mosaic</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="sc">With Mr. Punch's best wishes to Captain Wedgwood Benn.</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The Front Opposition +Bench in the Commons +was almost deserted at +Question-time. Presently +the appearance +of Lieut.-Commander +<span class="sc">Kenworthy</span> in unusually +festive attire furnished +an explanation. +After forty years of +bachelorship and four +of fighting, <span class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</span> is Benedict +indeed; and his colleagues were +attending his wedding-festivities.</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Secretary to the Admiralty</span> +has not yet attained to the omniscience +in Naval affairs that his predecessor +acquired in the course of twelve years' +continuous occupancy of the post. But +Sir <span class="sc">James Craig</span> can handle an awkward +questioner no less deftly than +"Dr. <span class="sc">Mac.</span>" Witness his excuse for +not replying to a "Supplementary":—"The +hon. and gallant gentleman must +understand that I attach so much importance +to his questions that I wish +to be most punctilious in my answers." +Who could persist after that?</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> stated that the +treaties by which Great Britain and +France were responsible for constitutional +government in Greece came to +an end in August last. Consequently +the two Powers have "a completely +free hand" in regard to the Greek +Monarchy. But he begged to be excused +from saying in what manner that +"free hand" would bee used if <span class="sc">Tino</span> +should think of returning.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, November 18th.</i>—In the +Lords the Acquisition of Land Bill had +most of its teeth drawn. Lord <span class="sc">Sumner</span> +was the most adroit of the many +operators employed, and he used no +gas.</p> + +<p>The usual dreary duel of Nationalist +insinuation and Ministerial denial in regard +to Irish happenings was lightened +by one or two interludes. Mr. <span class="sc">Jack +Jones</span> loudly suggested that the Government +should send for General <span class="sc">Ludendorff</span> +to show them how to carry +out reprisals. "He is no friend of +<i>mine</i>," retorted the <span class="sc">Chief Secretary</span>, +with subtle emphasis. Later he read a +long letter from the C.-in-C. of the Irish +Republican Army to his Chief of Staff +discussing the possibility of enlisting +the germs of typhoid and glanders in +their noble fight for freedom. The +House listened with rapt attention until +Sir <span class="sc">Hamar</span> came to the pious conclusion, +"God bless you all." Amid the +laughter that followed this anti-climax +Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span> was heard to ask, "Was +not the whole thing concocted in Dublin +Castle?" Well, if so, Dublin Castle +must have developed a sense of humour +quite foreign to its traditions. Perhaps +that is the reason why the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>, +earlier in the Sitting, expressed +the opinion that "things in Ireland are +getting much better."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE BOOT MYSTERY.</h3> + +<p class="center">DRAMATIC SCENES AT BILBURY +QUARTER SESSIONS.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Counsel for Prosecution arrives from +London.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Proceedings.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Notes on the Leading Personalities in +the Great Drama.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Prisoner Adkins' Awkward Admission.</span></p> + +<p class="note">[Note.—The author is surprised, not to say +pained, at the conspiracy of silence on the +part of the daily Press, as a result of which +he is left to write this matter up himself. +However ...]</p> + +<p>A sombre court-house of Quarter +Sessions, the light with difficulty penetrating +the dusty panes of the windows. +On the so-called Bench +sits the Bench so-called; +in point of fact there +are half-a-dozen ripe +aldermen sitting on +chairs, in the midst of +which is an arm-chair, +and in it Mr. Augustus +Jones, the Recorder of +Bilbury.</p> + +<p>Born in 1873 of rich +but respectable parents; +called, with no uncertain +voice, to the Bar in +1894; of a weighty corpulence +and stormy visage, +Mr. Jones now settles +himself in his arm-chair +to hear and determine +all this business +about Absalom Adkins +and the Boots. How +admirably impressive is +Mr. Jones's typically +English absence of hysteria, +his calm, his restfulness. +Indeed, give +Mr. Jones five minutes +to himself and it is even +betting he would be fast asleep.</p> + +<p>The Clerk of the Court with awful +dignity suggests getting a move on. +Mr. <a class="correction" title="original had 'Blathwayte'">Blaythwayte</a> who, as well as Clerk +of the Court is also Town Clerk of Bilbury, +was born in 1850 and, having +survived the intervening years, now +demands the production of the prisoner +from below. Looking at this dignitary +one gets the poetic impression of a mass +of white hair, white moustache, white +whiskers, white beard and white wig, +with little bits of bright red face appearing +in between. From a crevice +in one of these patches come the ominous +words, of which we catch but a +sample or two: "... Prisoner at the +bar ... for that you did ... steal, +take and carry away ... pairs of +boots ... of our Lord the King, his +crown and dignity."</p> + +<p>At this moment there arrives in court +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page415" id="page415"></a>[pg 415]</span> +a sinister figure wearing the wig and +gown so much affected by the English +Bar. Plainly a man of character and of +moment; obviously selected with great +care for this highly difficult and delicate +matter. His features are sharp, clean-cut. +One feels that they have been +sharpened and cut clean this very morning. +In his hand he holds the fateful +brief, pregnant with damnatory facts. +He makes his way into the pen reserved +"For Counsel only." The usher locks +him in for safety's sake.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Persons in the Drama (so far).</span></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Augustus Jones.</i> Recorder. Born in <a class="correction" title="missing period in original">1873.</a></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Joseph K. Blaythwayte.</i> Clerk of the +Court. Born in 1850.</p> + +<p><i>Absalom Adkins</i>, of uncertain age, supposed +boot-fancier.</p> + +<p><i>Our Lord the King</i>, whose peace, crown and +dignity are reported to have been rudely disturbed +by the alleged activities of Absalom +Adkins.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Who is this strong silent man, this +robed counsellor trusted with the case +of the Crown? Who is it? It is I! +Born in the year—but if I'm to tell +my life story it's a thousand pounds I +want. Make it guineas and I will include +portraits of self and relations, +with place of birth, inset.</p> + +<p>The scenario (or do we mean the +scene?) is now complete. Leading +characters, minor characters, chorus, +supernumeraries and I myself are all on +the stage. Absalom Adkins, clad in a +loose-fitting corduroy lounge suit and his +neck encased in a whitish kerchief, rises +from his seat. Mr. Jones, the Recorder, +does much as he was doing before—nothing +in particular. Counsel for the +prosecution re-reads his brief, underlines +the significant points, forgets that +his pencil is a blue one and licks it. On +a side-table, impervious to their surroundings +and apparently unconcerned +with their significance, sit the crucial +boots.</p> + +<p>"How say you, Absalom Adkins"—such +the concluding words of the +Clerk, the finish of the prologue which +rings up the curtain on this human +drama—"how say you? Are you +guilty or not guilty?"</p> + +<p>"Guilty," says Absalom, and that +ends it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Later a large and enthusiastic crowd +outside (had there been one) might have +seen a man with clean and sharp-cut +features carrying a bag in one hand +and an umbrella in the other, stepping +lightly on to a Bilbury corporation tram, +station bound. This is the counsel for +the prosecution (still me), his grave +responsibilities honourably discharged, +hurrying back to the vortex of metropolitan +life.</p> +<p class="author">F. O. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/415.png"> +<img src="images/415-th.png" width="100%" alt="Vicar. "I UNDERSTAND FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS HEARING BETTER WITH THIS EAR." +Darby. "EH, WHAT? WHAT'S 'E SAY, JOAN?" +Joan. "'E SAYS 'E UNDERSTANDS FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOU'RE 'EARING BETTER WITH THAT THERE.""/></a><br /> +<p><i>Vicar.</i> <span class="sc">"I understand from the doctor that your husband is hearing better with this ear."</span></p> + +<p><i>Darby.</i> <span class="sc">"Eh, what? What's 'e say, Joan?"</span></p> + +<p><i>Joan.</i> <span class="sc">"'E says 'e understands from the doctor that you're 'earing better with that there."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a stores catalogue:—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"<span class="sc">The —— Wringer.</span></p> + +<p>Guaranteed for one year—Fair wear and +tear excepted."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>There is always a catch somewhere.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"A consignment of Rumanian eggs has +arrived in this country. This shipment, which +is the first to arrive since the war closed this +source of supply in 1914, consists of 100 cases, +each containing 1914 eggs."—<i>Scots Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Referring, we trust, to the number and +not the vintage.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Contracts, Tenders</span>, &c.</p> + +<p class="center">The Great Northern Railway Company.</p> + +<div class="tabcenter"> +<table summary="Allegro moderato Notturno from String Quartet, No. 2, in D by Borodine"> +<tr> +<td>Allegro moderato<br />Notturno ............</td> +<td class="bigbrace">}</td> +<td>from String<br />Quartet, No. 2,<br />in D</td> +<td class="bigbrace">}</td> +<td>Borodine.</td> +</tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">stores contracts.</span>"</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>It is generally supposed that the company +entertains the idea of attempting +to "soothe the savage breast" of the +<span class="sc">Minister of Transport</span>.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page416" id="page416"></a>[pg 416]</span></div> + +<h2>THE LETTERS I NEVER POST.</h2> + +<p><i>I met a philosopher the other day—he +is not a philosopher by profession, +but an architect—who told me that, +when annoyed by the anomalies and +petty red-tape restrictions of life or irritated +by incompetence and incivility, or +even when he feels that he can amend +somebody else's error or propose an improvement, +it is his habit to write a +letter expressing his indignation or embodying +his suggestions.</i></p> + +<p><i>After remarking that he must be kept +very busy I asked him what kind of +replies he got.</i></p> + +<p>"<i>Oh, I don't get any replies," he said, +"because, you see, I don't send the letters; +I only write them and then I tear +them up.</i>"</p> + +<p><i>This is how I knew that he was a +philosopher.</i></p> + +<p><i>I propose to take to philosophy myself.</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Taxi-Driver.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—(You must understand, +as must all the people that I address +in these epistles, that by "dear" I do +not necessarily imply any affection. I +employ the word because I am too old +to care about breaking down harmless +conventions; but I might claim in the +present connection that it has more +than one meaning. That indeed you +will see, if you read on, is the main +point of this letter.)—Dear Sir, then, +you may remember me. I am the fare +who hailed you on your rank at the +corner of Fulham Road and Drayton +Gardens last Tuesday evening at a +quarter to six, and told you to drive to +the Marble Arch. You put down the +flag and then jumped off the box to +wind up the starter. It failed, and after +several attempts you had to examine +the machinery. I suppose that six +minutes were occupied in this way, +whether because you are a bad mechanic +or a careless fellow or because +the engine is defective, I cannot say; +all I know is that I was in a hurry and +that the flag was down, but we were not +moving. If you had not put the flag +down I should have got out and taken +another cab; but I felt that that would +be unfair to you. When, however, at +the end of the journey I paid you +without adding any tip, and you received +the money with an offensive +grunt, I wished that I had been less +considerate.</p> + +<p>It is because nothing that I could +have said then, in your horrid hostile +mood, would have convinced you that +there is any injustice to a fare at all in +putting down your flag before you are +properly started, that I am writing this +letter. My hope is that quiet perusal +may demonstrate that the fare has, at +any rate, a grain of logic on his side if +he looks upon himself as defrauded. +We don't, you know, take your cabs +for the joy of sitting in them, or for the +pleasure of watching you struggling +with a crank, but to be conveyed quickly +from place to place. It is wrong to ask +us to pay for the time spent by you in +persuading your engine to behave, and +it is indecent to become abusive when +we act on that assumption. If I had not +been so busy I should have refused to +pay at all and forced you to summon +me; but who has time for such costly +formalities? And I might have had +to lose my temper, which I have not +done (much) since I read an article by +a doctor saying that every such loss +means an abbreviation of life. Life in +a world made fit for heroes may not be +any great catch, but it is better, at any +rate, than passing to a region where +one is apparently liable to be in constant +communication with mediums.</p> + +<p>One other thing. I have just returned +from Paris, where, amid much +that is unsatisfactory and besmirched +by Peace, taxis remain trustworthy and +plentiful. The price marked on the +meter is that which the fare pays, and +any number of persons may ride in the +cab without extra charge. Nothing +exceeds my scorn for the English taxi-driver +who demands another ninepence +for an additional passenger, even though +only a child—nothing except my scorn +for the cowardly official who conceded +this monstrous imposition.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To an Administrator.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—May I implore you to +authorise the instant removal of the +buildings in the St. James's Park lake? +During the War we who find on the +suspension bridge, looking West, the +most beautiful late afternoon view in +London, were content to endure the +invasion. But we have passed the +second Armistice Day, and still the +huts remain, and still there is no water, +and still the enchanted prospect is +denied us. After all, this lake is part +of London, and London ratepayers +should be entitled to their city's beauties +as well as its necessities.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Pretty Girl.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">My Dear</span>,—I want you to be a little +more merciful. The other day, when +your father, over the eggs and bacon, +was reading out the news from Greece, +with the defeat of <span class="sc">Venizelos</span>, you said +lightly that exile didn't matter very +much because <span class="sc">Venizelos</span> was a very +old man. You then returned to the +absorbing occupation of identifying +Society people, reading from left to +right. Now <span class="sc">Venizelos</span> is fifty-five +years of age, and I cannot allow the +term "very old" to be applied to him +without protest; I am too nearly his +contemporary. "Getting on," if you +like, "mature," "ripe," but not "very +old." You must keep that phrase for +the people who—well, who <i>are</i> very old.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Haberdasher.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—When I came to put on +the collar that I bought from you yesterday +(I am the tallish customer who +takes sixteen and a half by two and was +in a hurry to get home to dress) I found +that your young man's finger-marks +were on it. Why don't you make your +assistants wear gloves when they handle +collars?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Minister of Religion.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Your Far-from-serene Gloominess</span>,—Won't +you one day be a little cheerful, +and wrong? Won't you send out +a lifeboat to the wreck instead of watching +her through your smoked field-glasses +as she sinks? What you seem +to forget is that most people at times +are their own Gloomy Deans: some of us +too often; and there can be too much of +a good thing. Hopelessness butters no +parsnips and it is a mood not to be +encouraged or the world would be as +bad as we then think it. Gloomy-deaniness, +though salutary for brief intervals, +should be sparingly indulged +in; but you are at it all the time. There +is a Chinese proverb which says, "If +you can't smile don't open a shop;" +and, after all, St. Paul's Cathedral is in +a manner of speaking a kind of shop, +isn't it?—the goods, at any rate, should +be obtainable there. The phrase "there +is no health in us" does not constitute +the whole liturgy. Down with facile +optimists by all means, but, my dear +Sir——</p> +<p class="author">E. V. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Ermine.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The ermine is not quite as grand as he sounds;</p> +<p>As a rule he is shot if he comes in the grounds;</p> +<p>You have seen him about by the mulberry-tree,</p> +<p>Though I very much doubt if you knew it was he.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He is shot with a gun and hung up by the throat,</p> +<p>For the ermine, my son, is the same as the stoat;</p> +<p>So when Auntie has got just a little more ermine</p> +<p>You can tell her (or not) she is covered with vermin.</p> + </div> </div> +<p class="author">A. P. H.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Col. —— was unable to be present, and +altogether the event was highly successful."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page417" id="page417"></a>[pg 417]</span></div> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/417.png"> +<img src="images/417-th.png" width="100%" alt="First Pugilist. "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT." +Second Pugilist. "WELL, WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO ABOUT IT?" +First Pugilist. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'LL DO ABOUT IT—FOR A PURSE OF TEN THOUSAND POUNDS AND THE CINEMA RIGHTS.""/></a><br /> +<p><i>First Pugilist.</i> <span class="sc">"You're standing on my foot."</span></p> + +<p><i>Second Pugilist.</i> <span class="sc">"Well, what do you propose to do about it?"</span></p> + +<p><i>First Pugilist.</i> <span class="sc">"I'll show you what I'll do about it—for a purse of ten thousand pounds and the cinema rights."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p>MORE NOTES FROM A SYNTHETIC COUNTRY DIARY.</p> + +<p><i>November 20th.</i>—I have been much struck this morning +by a remarkable instance of protective mimicry on the +part of a grey squirrel, which assumes attitudes and adopts +gestures which at a little distance render him almost indistinguishable +from a small monkey. <span class="sc">White's</span> <i>Selborne</i> throws +no light on this strange phenomenon, which I can only +explain as a result on the animal world of the now fashionable +<i>Tarzan</i> cult, which so happily reconciles the old hostility +between apes and angels.</p> + +<p>Of the habits and customs of the hedgehog mention has +already been made in these notes. It may be added that +the whistle which these interesting creatures emit from time +to time resembles the <i>timbre</i> of a muted piccolo, and their +employment in a mixed orchestra is well worth the consideration +of our younger and more enterprising composers. +Another animal which shares with the hedgehog the defensive +faculty of rolling itself up in a ball is the "pill +millipede," a myriopod with seventeen pairs of legs, but +fortunately exempt from the necessity of wearing trousers, +which at present prices would impose an exorbitant demand +on its resources.</p> + +<p>As winter draws on the evolutions of birds great and +small are a never-ending source of surprise and delight. +Many hooded crows are now to be seen consorting with the +rooks in the field and swelling the sable multitude that +flies at evensong towards the park trees. And great congregations +of plovers, curiously self-sufficing in their ability +to dispense with the services of any feathered parson, lend +colour and subconscious uplift to marshland scenes, which +would otherwise look extremely <i>triste</i>.</p> + +<p>Small indigenous birds, such as titmice, chipmunks, pipits +and squinches, are constantly seen in coveys or even bevies +just now. A party of pipwinks visited my copse yesterday +afternoon, and indulged in delicious <i>morceaux</i> of melody +before the red sun sank starkly below the horizon....</p> + +<p>As long as the weather remains open I find it a good +plan to plant flowers and shrubs which bloom in the spring. +Proticipation is a cardinal asset in the outfit of the judicious +gardener, and no time should be lost in completing the +spring beds, as the cost of hair-mattresses is going up by +leaps and bounds.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Plague of Dots.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There are decimal dots which we can't do without</p> +<p>In spite of Lord <span class="sc">Randolph's</span> historical flout;</p> +<p>There are dots too, with dashes combined, in the mode</p> +<p>Familiar in Morse's beneficent code;</p> +<p>While some British parents good reasons advance</p> +<p>In favour of "<i>dots</i>" as they're managed in France.</p> +<p>But as for the writers disdainful of plots</p> +<p>Who pepper their pages with plentiful dots,</p> +<p>They must not complain if the critics of prose</p> +<p>Disapprove of a practice which savours of pose,</p> +<p>And, searching around for an adequate <span title="Greek: hoti">ὅτι</span>,</p> +<p>Proclaim it a sign of a brain that is dotty.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>From an article on "Back to Germany":—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"The quiet, old-fashioned restaurants, where in the old days I have +seen field-marshals' batons hanging up in the cloak-room, know +them no more."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Nowadays the German Field-Marshal takes his baton into +the dining-room to stir his soup.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page418" id="page418"></a>[pg 418]</span></div> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Will You Kiss Me?</span>"</p> + +<p>Even before the era of Prohibition +(there were cocktails in this play) +strange things must have happened in +"God's own country" under the banner +of the Bird of Freedom. But never so +strange as the effects you get on the +stage when very English people play +at being Americans. You have to be +rather young and unsophisticated if such +phrases as "He's putting it over on us," +or "I'm not going to stand for that," +generously peppered about the dialogue +and recited in the purest of English +accents, can persuade you to believe +that you are getting the real local +stuff. At the same time you accept +cheerfully the most farcical conditions +on the vague assumption +that all things may be possible +over there.</p> + +<p>So, when <i>John W. Brook</i>, of Fifth +Avenue, millionaire, engaged the +services of <i>Alexander Y. Hedge</i>, +plenipotentiary representative of +an Efficiency Company, to introduce +economic reforms into his +motherless household during his +temporary absence, we regarded it +as a most reasonable experiment. +And for a time it made excellent +fun. But after a while it began to +wear thin for lack of fresh stimulus, +and by the end of the Second +Act there was a general feeling in +the audience that something would +have to be done about it.</p> + +<p>The same thought seems to have +occurred to Mr. <span class="sc">Cyril Harcourt</span>, +the author, and he started, a little +late in the day, to introduce an +element of sex-romance into what +so far had been an absolutely +bloodless proposition. But at first +it was with sinister intent that +<i>Brook's</i> elder daughter made advances +to <i>Alexander Y. Hedge</i>. As soon as she +could induce this monster of inhumanity +to become a prey to her charm she +would repulse him with scorn, and +then he would have to go.</p> + +<p>The children's allowances having been +cut off on the ground that they did +nothing to earn them, she offered her +services as his paid secretary. "Propinquity" +did its work and she was +soon in a position to offer him the +privilege of an experimental kiss, thus +incidentally justifying the dreadful title +of the play.</p> + +<p>The first, delivered on the cheek, was +a wash-out; but the second, pressed +home on the lips, had the desired effect. +Then she turned and rent him, telling +him exactly what she thought of his +treatment of the family. He replied +with an eloquent philippic directed at +the vices of a bloated aristocracy (this +was the ante-bellum age, before things +had been made so much safer for democracy). +Almost before the applause of +the gallery had died down, the father +burst upon the scene, furious at the report +that this hired commercial had +been making love to his daughter.</p> + +<div class="figleft"> +<div class="w30"> +<a href="images/418.png"> +<img src="images/418-th.png" width="100%" alt="STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY. +Horace, the Butler (MR. C. V. FRANCE) lengthens his stride in obedience to +Alexander Y. Hedge (MR. DONALD CALTHROP)."/></a> +<h4>STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY.</h4> + +<p><i>Horace, the Butler</i> (<span class="sc">Mr. C. V. France</span>) lengthens his +stride in obedience to</p> + +<p><i>Alexander Y. Hedge</i> (<span class="sc">Mr. Donald Calthrop</span>).</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Explanations follow which appease +his wrath, and he is further mollified by +the statement that the Master of Efficiency +had cut down the expenses of +his <i>ménage</i> by some nineteen thousand +dollars. But why, when his feats of +economy had all the time been the +matter of his offence in the children's +eyes, the announcement of the total +should have favourably affected the +girl's heart I cannot say, and I don't +think anybody else can. Yet the fact +remains that the next moment she +undertakes to marry the object of her +previous loathing.</p> + +<p>To have arrived naturally at such an +end would have meant a couple more +Acts, in which the man <i>Hedge</i> might +have had time to live down the evil +effects of his efficiency. But with so +much economy in the air the author +appears to have caught the infection +of it and economised in his processes +to save our time. That is the kindest +excuse I can find for him.</p> + +<p>As for the moral, it would seem to +be that, if (as is more than probable) +you have no copy of the works of +<span class="sc">Aristotle</span> in your Fifth Avenue library, +and imagine, never having heard of the +happy mean, that virtue lies in one of +two excesses—an excess of idle luxury +or an excess of efficiency—the former +is the one to choose.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Donald Calthrop</span> as <i>Hedge</i> +bore the burden of the play with a high +hand that had a very sure touch. It +was extraordinary with what alertness +and confidence he commanded every +situation—except, of course, the absurd +climax which nobody could hope to +handle. Mr. <span class="sc">C. V. France</span>, as the English +butler (ex-clergyman) who had +taken a long time to learn how to disfigure +his aspirates (out of deference to +the American legend), gave a very fresh +and attractive performance. Some of +the best things in the dialogue—not +always very humorous—were given +to little <i>Alice Brook</i> (aged 14), one +of those precocities for which +America has always held the +world's record. I don't know, and +should not think of asking, Miss +<span class="sc">Ann Trevor's</span> age, but she looked +to me a little old for the part of +this child, however precocious. +Miss <span class="sc">Marjorie Gordon</span> played +with intelligence as the elder sister, +but never for a moment suggested +a New York atmosphere. Indeed +she adopted just the mincing kind +of speech which out there is held +to bewray the "Britisher." The +only performance that made any +real pretence of being American was +that of Mr. <span class="sc">Turnbull</span> as the manager +of the Efficiency Company.</p> + +<p>Still, after all, local colour is no +great matter so long as you get +some recognisable aspect, though +farcically presented, of human nature; +but the trouble with this +play is that while our sense of the +probabilities is never too much +outraged so long as the chief character +is just a piece of inhuman +machinery, the author lapses into +the incredible the moment he tries to +introduce a little humanity into his +scheme. However, I have perhaps +taken things too seriously, instead of +being properly grateful for some very +good entertainment.</p> +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Fashions for Men.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Miss —— takes Orders for Knitted Skirts, +Jerseys, and Hats to match. Also, Gent.'s +Cardigan Coats and Hand-Painted Blouses."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Scots Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Rev. W. E. —— based the subject of +his discourse on 'The Foolish Virgins.' A +large number were present."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>South African Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We trust they were edified.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The discovery of Saturn's rings was made +by Galileo in 1610 through his little refractory +telescope."—<i>Welsh Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The difficulty with this kind of instrument +is to make it shut up.</p> + +<hr /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page419" id="page419"></a>[pg 419]</span></div> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/419.png"> +<img src="images/419-th.png" width="100%" alt="EXCITING EXPERIENCE OF A NEW M.F.H. WHO HAS BEEN ADVISED BY A FRIEND THAT HE SHOULD ALWAYS, WHEN GOING INTO KENNELS, FILL HIS POCKETS WITH BISCUITS."/></a> +<h4>EXCITING EXPERIENCE OF A NEW M.F.H. WHO HAS BEEN ADVISED BY A FRIEND THAT HE SHOULD +ALWAYS, WHEN GOING INTO KENNELS, FILL HIS POCKETS WITH BISCUITS.</h4> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p>Inevitably one's first thought on sighting <i>A Naval +History of the War</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>) is that he +must be a brave skipper indeed who would take out a lone +ship, however excellently found, to cruise such controversial +waters. But Sir <span class="sc">Henry Newbolt</span> is an experienced hand, +and, though (so to speak) one finds him at times conscious +of Sir <span class="sc">Julian Corbett</span> on the sky-line, he brings off his +self-appointed task triumphantly. To drop metaphor, here +is a temperate and clearly-written history, midway between +the technical and the popular, of a kind precisely +suited to the plain man who wishes a comprehensive <i>résumé</i> +of the course of the War at sea. For this purpose its +arrangement is admirable, the story being presented first +in a general survey under dates, then in special chapters +devoted to episodes or aspects, <i>e.g.</i>, Coronel and the Falklands +(that unmatchable drama of disaster and revenge), +the submarines and their countering, and finally Jutland. +Throughout, as I have said, Sir <span class="sc">Henry</span>, having one of the +best stories in the world to tell, is at pains to avoid anything +that even remotely approaches fine writing. Only +once have I even detected the literary man, when, in describing +the strange finish of the <i>Königsberg</i>, he permits himself +the pleasure of calling it "the sea fight in the forest." For +the rest, the "strength and splendour" of England's greatest +naval war are left to make their own impression. I shall +be astonished if such a book, having figured brilliantly as a +present this Christmas, is not treasured for generations as +a work of family reference in hundreds of British homes.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The name of Mrs. <span class="sc">Belloc Lowndes</span> on the outside would +alone have made me open <i>From the Vasty Deep</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) +with a pleasant anticipation of creepiness, even +without the generous measure of bogies depicted on the +coloured wrapper. Having now read the story, I am bound +to add (and I can only hope that Mrs. <span class="sc">Lowndes</span> will take +my admission for the compliment that it really is) that the +net result has been one of slight disappointment. Briefly, +I continue to prefer the writer as a criminal, rather than a +psychic, "Fat Boy." After all, once grant your ghost and +anyone can conjure it, with appropriate circumstance, at +the proper moments. Wyndfell Hall was full enough of +ghosts, all ready to appear at the voluntary or involuntary +instance of a young lady named <i>Bubbles</i>, who was one of +the Christmas house-party and the owner of a rather uncomfortable +gift of spook-raising. But beyond making +themselves an occasional nuisance to the guests I couldn't +find that the phantoms did anything practical to help along +such plot as there was. Even the quite palpable fact that +the host was at least a double murderer came to proof by +the ordinary process of law rather than by any supernatural +revelation. Before this I have gratefully owed to Mrs. +<span class="sc">Lowndes</span> the raising of my remaining hairs like quills upon +the fretful porcupine, but the ca'-canny bogies of her present +story are too perfunctory to excuse even a shiver in any but +the most unsophisticated reader.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It may, I suppose, be accounted for righteousness to +Major-General Sir <span class="sc">Archibald Anson</span> that in <i>About Others +and Myself</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>) he is so little of an egotist as to +convey scarcely any impression of what manner of man he +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page420" id="page420"></a>[pg 420]</span> +is or what he thinks of this or that. Much more clear +from her quoted letters is the character of his grandmother, +who vainly tried to keep the over-gallant First Gentleman +of Europe out of mischief. Our autobiographer gives us a +plain, blunt, not to say bald record of what must have been +an interesting life. He was at Eton under <span class="sc">Keate</span>; a +cadet at Woolwich, where he saw a gunner receive two +hundred lashes; a gunnery subaltern in the Crimea, where +he saw many queer and unedifying things; a successful +administrator in Madagascar, Mauritius and Penang, and +finally Governor of the Straits Settlements, with a K.C.M.G. +and honourable retirement to follow. But he is a man of +action rather than words, and his faculty of observation is +but too often exercised upon such slender matters as that +"Poor Captain Powlett met with a misfortune on the way +to Kedah. His servant laid the +dinner things on the deck of the +gunboat, then went below for +something and, coming up again, +accidentally walked into the middle +of the crockery and glass, +causing considerable destruction." +Also, I think he quotes +his testimonials—those never +very candid and always very dull +documents—much too freely. +The best of the book is concerned +with his administration +work in Penang and district, +where on the evidence he seems +to have kept his end up with +skill and no small zeal for good +government.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The title of Lady (<span class="sc">Laura</span>) +<span class="sc">Troubridge's</span> new novel, <i>O Perfect +Love</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), applies to +her V. C. hero only; with his +wife it is a case of O Very Imperfect +Love. <i>Jean Chartres</i> is a +common product of the age, the +sort of girl that insists on "having +a good time" and "living her +life" and "being herself" (how +well one knows the jargon!). +Less common, let us hope, is +the woman who would desert +her husband, as <i>Jean</i> did, because +the injuries he had received +in the War prevented him from giving her the kind of +life for which she craved. Foolish rather than vicious, she +drifts into a relationship which could have had only one +conclusion, if her lover, tiring of platonics, had not prematurely +pressed his demands. Thoroughly scared by his +violence she runs away and finds sanctuary with the "perfect +love" of the title. In this happy solution she had +better fortune than she deserved. It is not every woman +who has the good luck, when rushing blindly out of the +House of Peril into the wintry night (in a ball-dress), to +find—what had apparently escaped <i>Jean's</i> memory for the +moment—that her faithful husband's estate is in the immediate +neighbourhood. Though Lady <span class="sc">Troubridge's</span> sense of +style is not impeccable she can tell a good tale; her dialogue +rings true and her characters are well observed. The +trouble with most authors of Society novels is that either +they know their subject but can't write, or that they can +write but know nothing of their subject. Lady <span class="sc">Troubridge</span> +is one of the very few writers in this kind who both know +their world and how to portray it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">B. Bennion</span> follows the vogue for confidentially descriptive +covers in announcing, as a title to his volume of +angling reminiscences, that <i>The Trout are Rising in England +and South Africa</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) and suggesting that here is "a book +for slippered ease." One is certainly warned not to expect +anything very strenuous in its course, and indeed so placidly +flow its waters that few, perhaps, but devotees of the craft +will follow it to the end. Not but what there are metaphorical +trout in it, too—enticing descriptions of bits of +rivers, for instance—but on the whole they are easy-going +fish that come to bank without showing very much +sporting spirit. Here is no manual of precise information, +though even old fishermen may gather a hint or two; nor +yet a guide-book to the trout-streams of two continents; +not even a collection of good stories, though anyone may +come across some old friends in +it. The author's yarns indeed +are numerous and, on the whole, +as an angler's yarns should be, +picturesque. If he does seem to +enjoy the rather feeble joke or +incident as much as the other +sort, that may be natural in a +book of ease, whether slippered +or not. Indeed one half suspects +it is as a book for his own +ease that the writer is mainly +considering it, yet, taken in the +right spirit and especially if you +are an enticer of trout, it may +be for your ease too. Of course, +if you are not an angler and if +your spirit is not right, the +slipper may not fit.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In the course of a long study +of detective fiction I have never +met any sleuths with a gift of +loquacity like that of <i>Messrs. +Corson</i> and <i>Gibbs</i>, who during +the first part of <i>In the Onyx +Lobby</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>) +make futile efforts to trace the +murderer of <i>Sir Herbert Binney</i>, +proprietor of Binney's Buns. +<i>Sir Herbert</i> had gone to New +York to persuade his nephew +to become the manager of an +American branch of a Binney +Bun factory, and, on returning late at night to his apartment-house, +was stabbed to death. Fortunately Miss +<span class="sc">Carolyn Wells</span> seems to have grown as tired of them as +I did, and they give way to one <i>Pennington Wise</i> (whose +name did not prepossess me in his favour) and his assistant, +<i>Zizi</i>. This couple have the authentic sleuth-touch, and +their detection of those implicated in the murder is a very +ingenious piece of work. There is so much padding in this +book that if <i>Sir Herbert</i> had worn a tithe of it no stabber +could even have scratched him; but with judicious skipping +it will wile away two or three idle hours. And, as I +said, the solution is a really skilful piece of work.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<div class="w50"> +<a href="images/420.png"> +<img src="images/420-th.png" width="100%" alt=""I 'EAR SHE'S 'AD A LEGACY O' TWENTY POUNDS LEFT 'ER." +"YES, SHE 'AS. BUT ONE GOOD THING ABOUT 'ER IS, 'ER WEALTH AIN'T SPOILT 'ER.""/></a><br /> +<p><span class="sc">"I 'ear she's 'ad a legacy o' twenty pounds left 'er."</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">"Yes, she 'as. But one good thing about 'er is, 'er +wealth ain't spoilt 'er."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p>Extract from an account of the unveiling of the portrait +of Mr. ——, M.P.:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"It was a happy idea to unveil the portrait in a darkened room."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>But after the <span class="sc">Leverhulme-John</span> episode we ought to +have been told whose was the happy idea, the artist's or +the sitter's?</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, November 24, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20392-h.htm or 20392-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/3/9/20392/ + +Produced by gvb, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..319f87e --- /dev/null +++ b/20392-h/images/i-2.png diff --git a/20392-h/images/ii-th.png b/20392-h/images/ii-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5bca6c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/20392-h/images/ii-th.png diff --git a/20392-h/images/ii.png b/20392-h/images/ii.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b0275ce --- /dev/null +++ b/20392-h/images/ii.png diff --git a/20392.txt b/20392.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ede1297 --- /dev/null +++ b/20392.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2365 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +November 24, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 24, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 18, 2007 [EBook #20392] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by gvb, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +The original has a number of inconsistent spellings and punctuation. +Five corrections have been made for obvious typographical errors; these, +as well as one doubtful spelling, have been noted individually in the +text. All notes are surrounded by braces {}. + +Text in italics in the original is shown between _underlines_; +superscript (one instance in this book) is marked by a caret (^). + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 159 + + + +NOVEMBER 24, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +No sooner had the League of Nations met at Geneva than news came of the +pending retirement of Mr. CHARLIE CHAPLIN. We never seem to be able to +keep more than one Great Idea going at a time. + + * * * + +"Have you read Mrs. Asquith's Book?" asks an evening paper +advertisement. "What book?" may we ask. + + * * * + +"In our generation," says Dean INGE, "there are no great men." It is +said that Sir ERIC GEDDES will not take this lying down. + + * * * + +Since the Gloomy Dean's address at Wigmore Hall it is suggested that the +world should be sold to defray expenses while there is yet time. + + * * * + +"What is wanted to-day," says Mr. H. M. RIODEN, "is a Destruction of +Pests Bill." "Jaded Householder" writes to say that when this becomes +law anybody can have the name of his rate-collector. + + * * * + +"M. RHALLIS, the new Greek Premier," says _The Evening News_, "is a +regular reader of _The Daily Mail_." We had felt all along he was one of +us. + + * * * + +"Dendrology," says a contemporary, "is an admirable pursuit for +women." We seem to remember, however, that one of the earliest female +arboriculturists made a sad mess of it. + + * * * + +According to the U.S.A. Bureau of Standards the pressure of the jaw +during mastication is eleven tons to the square inch. If this is +propaganda work on behalf of the United States' bacon industry we regard +it as particularly crude. + + * * * + +A Sioux City millionaire is said to have paid two hundred pounds for a +goat. He claims that it is the only thing in Iowa that has whiskers and +isn't thirsty. + + * * * + +"Mr. Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, has just visited +Edinburgh, his birthplace, after an absence of fifty years," says a news +item. We can only say that if he invented _our_ telephone he had reason +to keep away. + + * * * + +"After all," says an evening paper, "the Coalition is only human." _The +Times_, however, is not quite so sure about it. + + * * * + +It is said that Mr. BOTTOMLEY is about to make a powerful announcement +to the effect that the present year will be nearly all over by +Christmas. + + * * * + +In connection with the Ministry of Health Bill, we read, not a penny +of additional expenditure or expense will fall on the ratepayer or +taxpayer. People are now wondering whether the Government thought of +that one themselves. + + * * * + +Balls made of newspapers soaked in oil are said to be a good substitute +for coal. It seems as if newspapers are determined to get a good +circulation somehow. + + * * * + +Cars that run into four figures were to be seen at many stands at the +recent Motor Show. In the ordinary way motor-cars run into as many +figures as get in their way. + + * * * + +It appears that the man who was knocked down in Charing Cross Road by +a motor-scooter was one of the middle class, and so could not afford to +have it done properly by a motor-car. + + * * * + +It is rumoured that a Radical paper is about to offer a prize of one +hundred pounds for the best design for a _Daily Mail_ halo. + + * * * + +A man charged at the Guildhall admitted that he had been convicted +sixty-seven times. Indeed it is understood that he has only to say +"Season" to be admitted to any police-court. + + * * * + +"Pussyfoot beaten," announces a headline. We hear, however, that he +intends to have another try when the water-rate is not quite so high. + + * * * + +A Streatham youth has been fined ten shillings for causing a disturbance +by imitating a cat at night. He said everything would have gone off well +if somebody had not made a noise like a policeman. + + * * * + +"All men are cowards," declares a lady-writer in a weekly journal. Still +it should be remembered that one of us married the lady who is now known +as "Mrs. Grundy." + + * * * + +In describing a storm a local paper recently stated that waves seventy +feet high lashed themselves to fury against the rocks. We have always +been given to understand that waves never exceed fifteen feet, but we +suppose everything has gone up since the War. + + * * * + +"When is the Government going to commence operations in connection +with the Channel Tunnel?" asks a correspondent in a daily paper. We +understand that unless the English homing rabbit, recently released at +Calais, puts in an appearance on this side once again, the idea will be +abandoned as impracticable. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SHALL I DUST THE BRICKY-BRACK, MUM?" + +"NOT TO-DAY, NORAH. I DON'T THINK WE CAN AFFORD IT."] + + * * * * * + + HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS. + + "Head Laundress wanted, titled lady." + + _Irish Paper._ + +This is what results from washing dirty linen in public. + + * * * * * + + "L'AMITIE FRANCO-ANGLAISE + + UN TELEGRAMME DU ROI GEORGE I^ER A M. MILLERAND." + + _Le Figaro._ + +The attention of the POSTMASTER-GENERAL should be drawn to the unusually +long delay in delivery. + + * * * * * + + "The Rat Catcher then said 'Look behind.' I looked behind, and + there on the seat was strapped a larger cake. This contained 145 + live rodents."--_Local Paper._ + +And now the pie with the four-and-twenty blackbirds must also take a +back seat. + + * * * * * + +BELLES OF THE BALL. + +A football eleven composed of work-girls from a Lancashire factory +recently journeyed to Paris to play a team of French female footballers. +With women forcing an entry into the ranks of minor professions, such +as the Law and Politics, it is doubtful if even the sacred precincts of +professional football can now be considered safe, and Mr. Punch wonders +if he may soon find himself reading in the Sporting Columns of the Press +paragraphs something in the nature of the following:-- + +Kitty Golightly, who has the reputation of being one of the fastest +young women seen in London this season, has now definitely thrown in +her lot with the Tottenham Hotstuff. Her forward work is likely to cause +something in the nature of a sensation. + + * * * + +The dropping of Hilda Smith from the League team of Newcastle United has +been much criticised by football enthusiasts throughout the country. We +are, however, in a position to state that there has been trouble between +Hilda Smith and the Newcastle Directors for some time past. It appears +that Newcastle's brilliant full-back objected to wearing the Newcastle +jersey, on the plea that its sombre colour-scheme did not suit +her complexion. She pointed out that Fanny Robinson, the Newcastle +goal-keeper, wore an all-red jersey and that, as the shade chosen was +most becoming to anyone with dark hair, she (Hilda Smith) claimed the +right to wear red also. The Newcastle Directors replied that under the +laws of the Football Association the goal-keeper is required to wear +distinctive colours from the rest of the team. That being so, Hilda +Smith would only consent to turn out in future on condition that she +should play in goal, and as the club management would not agree to +displacing Fanny Robinson the only thing to be done was to leave Hilda +Smith out of the side entirely. + + * * * + +What would have been a very serious misfortune to the team chosen to +represent England in the forthcoming International against Wales has +only just been averted. But for the common-sense and good feeling of all +concerned, Dolly Brown, the English captain, might have found herself +assisting the Welsh side instead of her own country's eleven. Not +long ago this brilliant back became engaged to a Welsh gentleman from +Llanfairfechan and the wedding had been fixed for Thursday next. Under +the present state of the British Constitution a married woman takes on +the nationality of her husband, and had the marriage been solemnized +before the International Match on Saturday Dolly Brown would have been +ineligible for England and available for Wales. On this being pointed +out to her she at once consented to postpone her marriage, like the +patriotic sportswoman she is, and in the meantime legislation is to be +rushed through both Houses of Parliament to alter the absurd state of +the law and retain for England the services of one of the finest backs +that ever fouled a forward. + + * * * + +Mr. Ted Hustler, the popular chairman of the Villa North End Club, has +been away from home for some days, rumour being strong in his native +city that he has gone to Scotland after Jennie Macgregor. On our +representative calling at Mr. Hustler's house this morning to inquire if +it really were true that Mr. Hustler has for a long time had his eye on +Jennie Macgregor, Mrs. Hustler, the charming wife of the chairman, was +understood to reply that she would like to catch him at it. + + * * * + +The regrettable incident at Stamford Bridge on Saturday last, when +Gertie Swift was sent off the field by the referee, is to our mind yet +another example of the misguided policy of the League management. Gertie +Swift was strongly reprimanded by Mr. G. H. Whistler, the official in +charge of the match, for an alleged offence. Gertie Swift retorted. Mr. +Whistler warned her. Gertie again retorted. Mr. Whistler then ordered +Gertie to retire from the game. Whilst we quite agree that a referee +must exercise a strong control it is perfectly obvious that no +self-respecting woman player is going to allow any mere man to have +the last word; and the sooner the Football Association realise this and +dispense with the services of all male referees the better for the good +of the game. + + * * * + +Our arrangements for a full report of the English Cup Final are now +completed. Our fashion experts are to journey to London with both teams, +and a detailed description of the hats and travelling costumes worn by +the players will appear in an extra special edition of this paper. We +understand that the two rival elevens are to turn out in silk jumpers +knitted in correct club colours by the players' own fair hands during +the more restful periods of their strenuous training. + + * * * * * + +A CASUAL FAMILY. + + "Small house or flat required; one child (off hand); any + district."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +INCREASED OUTPUT. + +(_A comparative study of incentives to labour._) + + The miner's _role_ is not for me; + These manual jobs I always shun; + In the bright realm of Poesy + My thrilling daily task is done. + My songs are wild with beauty. This is one. + + Yet has the miner, not the bard, + A life that runs in pleasant ways; + His labour may be pretty hard, + But, when compared with mine, it _pays_. + Scant the reward of my exhausting days. + + I bear no grudge. I don't object + To watch his wages soaring high, + If, as I'm told, we may expect + To see him resolutely ply + His task with greater vigour. So must I. + + Up, Muse, and get your wings unfurled! + My rhymes at double speed must flow; + Now, from this hour, the astonished world + Must see my output daily grow. + And why? I want some coal--a ton or so. + + Coal is my greatest need, the crest + And pinnacle of my desires; + And as I toil with feverish zest + 'Twill be the dream of blazing fires + That spurs me to my labour and inspires. + + I wonder if the miner too + Has visions in his dark abyss + Which urge him on to hack and hew + That he may so achieve the bliss + Of buying great and deathless songs (like this). + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +Notice in a Canadian book-shop:-- + + "It often happens that you are unable to obtain just the book + you want. We specialise in this branch of book-selling." + + * * * * * + + "Observing a straw stack on fire opposite her house a woman + removed her baby from the bath and poured the bath water on to + the flames."--_Evening Paper._ + +What we admire is her presence of mind in first removing the baby. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. and Mrs. John ---- wish to return grateful thanks to all + who so kindly contributed to their late great loss by theft." + + _Local Paper._ + +Always be polite to burglars. You never know when they may call again. + + * * * * * + +We understand that Smith minor, who in an examination paper wrote +_margot_, instead of _margo_, as the Latin for "the limit," has been +reprimanded severely by his master. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +_MR. PUNCH'S HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR_ + +Self-praise, it used to be held, is no recommendation; but that was +before the War. The War has altered so many things that it may have +altered this too, and self-praise be the best recommendation of all. Mr. +Punch hopes so, because he wants to indulge for the moment in extolling +one of his own products; he wishes, in short, to urge upon all his +readers the merits of "Mr. Punch's History of the Great War." Everything +is here, in very noteworthy synthesis; the tragedy and the comedy +inextricably mingled, as they must ever be, but as by more formal +historians they are not. + +Such is Mr. Punch's opinion on Mr. Punch's own book, which is no formal +history of the War in the strict or scientific sense of the phrase; no +detailed record of naval and military operations. Rather it is a +mirror of varying moods, reflecting in the main how England remained +steadfastly true to her best traditions; a reflex of British character +during the days of doubt and the hours of hope that marked the strenuous +and wearying days of the War. + +All ages and classes come into the picture--combatants and +non-combatants, young and old, men and women. And Mr. Punch's pencil +plays a part at least equal to that of his pen, the record of each month +being generously supplied with cartoons and illustrations by famous +_Punch_ artists. Into these pages has been compressed just what we need +to remember about the War, and we are reminded of things which we had +already forgotten. Here is the tragedy and the pathos of the Great +War--even the comedy of those great years of undying memory. + +No more popular history of the War has been written; it has been +eulogised everywhere, for it is a book that every citizen of the Empire +should read and be proud to possess. As a Christmas gift it is ideal, +and will be gladly welcomed not only by those at home, but also by +those in Canada, Australia, India, South Africa, and other parts of our +far-flung Empire, whose gallant sons shared the horrors and the victory +of those four-and-a-half years. + +[Illustration: THE OPTIMIST. + +"If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is +clear:{missing colon in original} Go past the post-office and sharp to +the left afore you come to the church."] + + * * * * * + +_AN IMMORTAL STORY_ + +[Illustration: OUR MAN. + +With Mr. Punch's Grateful Compliments to Field-Marshal Sir DOUGLAS HAIG. + +["_Punch_," _November 29th_, 1918.] + +"Mr. Punch's History of the Great War" is a History we can all read, and +all _should_ read, for here is the record of the heroes who added to +the glories of our blood and State--a roll that is endless--wonderful +gunners and sappers, and airmen and despatch riders, devoted surgeons +and heroic nurses, stretcher-bearers and ambulance drivers. "But Mr. +Punch's special heroes are the Second-Lieutenants and the Tommy who went +on winning the War all the time, and never said that he was winning it +until it was won." + +To read this book will help us to realise the great debt, unpaid and +unpayable, to our immortal dead and to the valiant survivors, to whom we +owe freedom and security. + +It is "a corrective record," says _The Times_, "not only of what +happened 'over there,' but of what people were saying and feeling at +home"; while _The Morning Post_ remarked: "Here Mr. Punch is the nation, +deftly wielding the weapon of ridicule that has helped to kill so many +enemy tyrants." + +_THIS MOST ACCEPTABLE GIFT COSTS 10S. 6D. NET_ + +_Postage Extra_ + +_Published by_ + +CASSELL & Co., Ltd. +La Belle Sauvage, London, E.C.4 + +USE THIS ORDER FORM FOR + +THE IDEAL GIFT BOOK + .................. _19_ ...... +_To_ .................................................... +......................................................... + +_Please supply to me_ ...... _cop_ ...... _of "Mr. PUNCH'S +HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR," at 10s. 6d. +net, published by Cassell & Co., Ltd., La Belle Sauvage, +London, E.C.4, by arrangement with the Proprietors of +"Punch." I enclose L : :_ + +_Name_ ................................................... +_Address_ ................................................ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST STRAW. + +THE CAMEL DRIVER. "NOW, WHICH HUMP HAD THIS BETTER GO ON?" + +THE CAMEL. "IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME. IT'S BOUND TO BREAK MY BACK +ANYHOW."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Josh (who has just purchased stamp)._ "WOULD YER +MIND A-STICKIN' OF IT ON FOR ME, MISSIE? OI BAIN'T NO SCHOLARD."] + + * * * * * + +UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS. + +III.--SIR ERIC GEDDES. + +Which is boyhood's commonest ambition, to run away to sea or to be +something on a railway line? And how few, when they are grown up, find +that they have realised either of these desires! The present Minister +of Transport has freely confessed to his intimates that more than once, +when he was floating paper-boats in his bath or climbing a tree in the +garden to look out for icebergs from the crow's-nest, he felt in his +child's heart that water was the ultimate quest, the adventure, the +gleam. And yet for many a long year railways entranced and enslaved him. +Often he would sit for hours, forgetful of the griddle cakes rapidly +being burnt to a cinder, and gaze at the puffs of steam coming from the +spout of the kettle or the quick vibrations of its lid, planning in his +mind some greater and better engine that should be known perhaps as The +Snorting Eric, and be enshrined in glass on Darlington platform. + +Once, when he had bought a small model stationary engine and the +methylated spirit lamp had by some accident set fire to the carpet, he +was found after the conflagration had subsided standing serenely amongst +the wreckage. When challenged as to its cause, "I cannot tell a lie," he +replied calmly; "I did it with my little gadget." A few months later +he and the present Ambassador of Great Britain at Washington had +constructed a double line of miniature tracks, which connected all the +rooms on the ground floor of the house and considerably interfered +with the parlourmaid's duties. It was known to the family as the Great +Auckland Railway. Another favourite hobby of the young engineer was to +lie on his back and watch the spider spin her web, comparing the results +with a railway map of Great Britain. It was seldom that he went to bed +without having learnt at least a page of _Bradshaw_ by heart. + +Going from strength to strength this apparently dreamy lad had climbed +the giddy rungs of fame until, at the outbreak of war, he stood with the +ball at his feet and the title of Deputy General Manager of the N.E.R. +It was he who had invented the system whereby the handle of the heating +apparatus in railway carriages could be turned either to OFF or ON +without any consequent infiltration of steam, thereby saving passengers +from the peril of death by suffocation. It was he who, thumping the +table with an iron fist, had insisted vehemently that caged parrots +travelling in the rack should, if capable of speech, be compelled to pay +the full fare. It was he who effected one of the greatest economies that +the line had ever known by using rock-cakes which had served their term +of years in the refreshment-room as a substitute for the keys which hold +the metals of the permanent way in their chairs. + +In the summer of 1914 he was about to adopt a patent device for +connecting the official notices in compartments with gramophones +concealed under the seats in such a way that when humourists had by dint +of much labour made the customary emendations, such as "IT IS DANGEROUS +TO LEAP OUT OF THE WINDOWS," "TO STOP THE RAIN PULL DOWN THE CHAIN" and +"TO EAT FIVE PERSONS ONLY," a loud and merry peal of laughter should +suddenly hail the completed masterpiece. + +Armageddon supervened, and the rest of Sir ERIC GEDDES' career is +history. When a new and sure hand was needed at the Admiralty, Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE was not long in making the only suitable choice. Sir ERIC GEDDES' +bluff hearty manner, positively smacking, despite his inland training, +of all that a viking ought to smack of, had long marked him out as the +ideal ruler of the King's Navy, and his name was soon known and feared +wherever the seagull dips its wing. Underneath the breezy exterior +lay an iron will, like a precipitate in a tonic for neurasthenia, and +scarcely had he boarded the famous building in Whitehall and mounted his +quarter-deck (Naval terms are always used at the Admiralty, the windows +being called "port-holes" and the staircases the "companion") than +victory began to crown the arms of the Senior Service. + +But peace no less than war finds an outlet for the energies of the old +sea-dog, and the veriest hint of a railway strike finds him ready +with flotillas of motor lorries in commission and himself in his flag +char-a-banc, aptly named the Queen of Eryx, at their head. Lever, +marlin-spike or steering wheel, it is all one to the brain which can +co-ordinate squadrons as easily as rolling-stock, to the man who is now +sometimes known as the Stormy Petrol of the Cabinet. Yet even so the +sailor is strongest in him still. It is not generally known that Sir +ERIC has already cocked his weather eye at our inland waterways as an +auxiliary line of defence in case of need. Experience has taught him +that it is even now quicker to travel, let us say, from Boston (Lincs.) +to Wolverhampton, by river and canal than by rail, and the future may +yet see Thames, Trent and Severn churned to foam by motor barges of +incredible rapidity, distributing the nation's food supplies. + +This is one of the things that the Ministry of Transport has, so to say, +up its sleeve, and is alone a sufficient answer to those who suggest +that this Ministry has outlived its hour. There is a grim Norse spirit +amongst its officials, inspired perhaps by their chieftain's name, and +already the plans for a first-class Pullman galley are under way. As +LONGFELLOW sings:-- + + "Never saw the wild North Sea + Such a gallant company + Sail its billows blue; + Never, while they cruised and quarrelled, + Old King Gorm or Blue Tooth Harold, + Owned a ship so well apparelled, + Boasted such a crew." + +K. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. P. G. H. Fender, the Surrey cricket captain who has gone + out with the M.C.C. team to Australia, is preparing a book on + the tour, for which he has chosen the title of 'Defending the + Ashes.'"--_Weekly Paper._ + +Quite the proper function for a FENDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tailor (to yokel who has brought suit back)._ "WHAT'S +WRONG? DON'T THEY FIT?" + +_Yokel._ "OH, AY, THEY _FIT_ ALL RIGHT, BUT (_pointing to +fashion-plates_) WOT'S USE O' THEY PICTURES IF YOU BAIN'T GOIN' TO BIDE +BY UN."] + + * * * * * + +ELFIN TENNIS. + + Once in a fold of the hill I caught them-- + All by my lone was I-- + Out on the downs one night in Autumn, + Under a moonlit sky. + + There on a smooth little green rectangle + Sparkled the lines of dew; + Over the court with their wings a-spangle + Four little fairies flew; + + Skeleton leaves in their hands for racquets + (All in a ring around + Brownies and elves in their bright green jackets + Watched from the rising ground). + + Then, as I crept up close for clearer + Sight of the Fairy Queen, + _Oberon_, throned on a toadstool near her, + Carolled out "Love fifteen." + + Over a net of the fairies' knitting + (Fine-spun gossamer thread) + Smallest of tiny puff-balls flitting + Hither and thither sped. + + So for a minute I watched them, shrinking + Low in the gorse-bush shade; + Then, like a mortal fool unthinking, + Shouted aloud, "Well played!" + + Right in the midst of an elfin rally + Sudden I stood alone; + Far away over the distant valley + Fairies and elves had flown. + + * * * * * + +A D'ANNUNZIO DIALOGUE. + + [From which will be perceived not only that telephonic communication + exists between Fiume and Lucerne, but also that there is an easy way + out of the difficulty with Greece if only the League of Nations will + utilise the instrument that lies to their hand.] + + _D'Annunzio (testily)._ Hello, Lucerne! Hello! Is that the Greek KING? + Confound this buzz! Is that you, TINO? + + _King Constantine._ Speaking. + What do you want? I'm packing up my grip. + + _D'Ann._ D'ANNUNZIO speaks. Attend the trumpet's lip. + Snatching a few brief moments, CONSTANTINE, + Out of my business morning--eight to nine, + Composing epic poems; nine to one, + Consolidating our position in the sun + (Sweet Alexandrine!), breakfast, bath and post, + A raid or two on the Dalmatian coast, + Speeches, parades and promulgating laws + Which, being published to my followers, cause + Loud cries of "Author!" and sustained applause; + Such is the round of toil that leaves not limp + Fiume's favoured Pontifex et Imp.-- + I thought I'd ring you up. + + _King Con._ Well, well, what is it? + + _D'Ann._ I hear you are proposing to revisit + Athens. + + _King Con._ Well, if I am, what's that to you? + + _D'Ann._ This, that, whilst gazing at the local blue + The other day, I hit upon the plan + Of conquering the Mediterranean, + Including the AEgean and the finer + Portions, most probably, of Asia Minor, + And holding them as provinces beneath + Fiume and my own imperial wreath. + + _King Con._ Go on, then, dash you. + + _D'Ann._ I shall soon begin; + But I decline to have you butting in. + Tyrants there still may be, but not the sort + Discarded from a philo-Teuton Court; + The tolerant warmth that sheds a kind of lustre + Over a stout Ausonian filibuster + Does not extend to thoroughly bad hats + Like abdicated Hellene autocrats. + And, if the Allies feel some slight reserve + About resisting your confounded nerve, + I, GABRIELE, do not. You may be + A kind of subject satrap under me; + If not, look out. You shall have cause to know + The singing eagles of D'ANNUNZIO. + + _King Con._ I'll think it over. + + _D'Ann._ Do so swiftly then; + Meanwhile good morning; I must see some men-- + Also the Muse. She waits upon my pen. + [_Rings off._ + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "How many cocktails are there? 'William,' the mixer at the Royal + Automobile lub, who was for eayrs at the Hotel ecil, states + that he can produce some 70 varieties without repeating + himself."--_Daily Paper._ + +And did the author of the above paragraph try them all? + + * * * * * + + "Towards the conclusion of the meeting Miss Dolly ---- sang the + solo 'The City of Light' in a very able style, and, as Mr. ---- + mentioned in a vote of thanks, which he proposed, seconded and + supported, to the Chairman, speaker, accompanist, and soloist, + she excelled herself."--_Local Paper._ + +We understand that the Gasworkers' Union has remonstrated with the +orator on his excessive output. + + * * * * * + +THE SNIPER. + +Brackley is a good fellow, but I loathe him. + +How would you like it if you were tied to work and every now and then a +man came up to you in your club and said, "Old man, do come away with +me to the Pyrenees and shoot jummel," or "Can't you spare a month, old +fellow, to come stalking ibex in Montenegro with me?" or "Look here, +you're just the chap I want to run over to Alaska with me for a pot at +the grizzlies"? + +Just a fortnight ago Brackley came and told me of a delightful rough +shooting he had rented in an obscure corner of Ireland. According to +him it was a congested snipe area. You could not see the pools for +wild-duck. The honking of wild-geese kept one awake at night. The +drawback to the estate was that you were always tripping over hares. + +"You won't be safe there," I said to Brackley. + +"I'm safe anywhere," said Brackley. "Work it on system. In Arabia send +the mullah a bottle of brandy. On the Continent stand the local mayor a +bottle of wine. In Ireland ask the priest up to drink whiskey with you +in the evening. So long as the authorities have their thirst relieved +there's never trouble. Now just come for a fortnight. There'll be crowds +of snipe. I'm told there are woodcock too." + +I was adamant. + +"Well," sighed Brackley, "I'll send you a card to say how I get on." + +When his postcard arrived it ran:-- + + "To-day-- "_Ballinagrub._ + + Ten brace snipe. Four landrail. + One brace partridge. Three wild-duck. + Nine hares. One woodcock. + +"What ho!" + +Isn't that an aggravating card to get when you are deep in the most +elusive and trying chase of all--the money hunt? + +I wrote Brackley a scornful postcard:-- + +"Go on with your baleful schemes. Wallow in slaughter. Roll in blood. +Devastate the district. As an honest hard-working Englishman I regard +you with utter contempt." + +Three days later Brackley slapped me on the back in our club. + +"What are you doing here?" I said. "Don't tell me the snipe have gone on +strike." + +"All your fault," he grumbled. "About half-an-hour after I got your +infernal postcard six outsize Republican soldiers called on me and gave +me just ten minutes to get a car and drive to the station. I told them +what a silly fool you were and that it was one of your wretched jokes; +but you can't expect an Irishman to see a joke. I tried to explain it; I +said that you referred to my exploits as a sniper; and they replied that +sniping was their department and nobody else's. + +"So I decided to come home and arrange for some shooting in a place +where there's a bit of peace. I'm thinking of going after the ongdu +antelopes in Somaliland. You can't spare three months, can you?" + +"Why didn't you face it out?" I said, knowing that Brackley had spent +four years and two months of his life shooting Huns. + +"Not worth while. I could have had a guard, of course. But you can't +expect decent snipe-shooting when there's a lot of promiscuous firing +going on in the district. The snipe is a peculiarly nervous bird, you +know." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUMOROUS DRAMA: AN UNREHEARSED DIVERSION.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Porter._ "DO YOU WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER, OR +VICE-VERSA?"] + + * * * * * + +A FOOTNOTE TO THE "BAB BALLADS." + + [The Vice-Chairman of No. 1 Committee of the League of Nations, + dealing with general organisation, is Mr. WELLINGTON KOO, the + distinguished Chinese diplomatist.] + + Serene and Celestial Sage, + How well you revive and renew + The delights of an age when good "Bab" was the rage-- + Eminent WELLINGTON KOO! + + For I feel, though I may be a fool, + You were reared in remote Rum-ti-Foo, + Maybe suffered at school its episcopal rule-- + Tolerant WELLINGTON KOO. + + Next I see you adorning the scene + In the city of fair Titipu, + Garbed in green and in gold, very fine to behold-- + Sumptuous WELLINGTON KOO. + + Then you probably met _Captain Reece_ + And all his affectionate crew, + Who knew no decrease of their comfort and peace-- + Nautical WELLINGTON KOO. + + _Clonglocketty Angus McClan_ + I fear was withheld from your view; + That unfortunate man was not fated to scan + Fortunate WELLINGTON KOO. + + But my reason instinctively tells + It was you who contrived to imbue + With his knowledge of spells _John Wellington Wells_-- + Magical WELLINGTON KOO. + + "Morality, heavenly link," + I'm sure you will never taboo, + Though to it I don't think you'll "eternally drink"-- + Temperate WELLINGTON KOO. + + It is rather malicious, I own, + To play with a name that is true, + But I hope you'll condone my irreverent tone-- + Generous WELLINGTON KOO. + + * * * * * + + "ROYAL EXILES. + + Some archdukes have become clerks, and many have become + governesses and ladies' maids."--_Tasmanian Paper._ + +For these last two posts, their archness would, we think, be an +irresistible qualification. + + * * * * * + + "NURSES WANTED. + + 540 Hours Working Week. + + Extra pay at special rates for any time worked in excess of + ordinary working hours." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +The generous provision for "overtime" makes the above offer unusually +attractive. + + * * * * * + +IF THEY WERE AT SCHOOL. + +(_That is, if the House of Commons were like our School Debating +Society--as indeed it is--and if its proceedings were reported with the +incisive brevity of our School Magazine--and why not?_) + +On Wednesday the Society held its 2,187th meeting. There was some +regrettable rowdiness during Private Business, and A. MOSELEY +(Collegers) had to be ejected for asking too many questions. Members +must not bring bags of gooseberries into the debates. + +In Public Business the motion was:-- + +"_That in the opinion of this House Science is better than Sport._" + +D. LLOYD GEORGE, Proposer (School House), said that Science had won the +War, and quoted Wireless Telegraphy and Daylight Saving to prove this. +The most successful Generals had had a scientific training. His uncle +had met a General who knew algebra and used it at the Battle of the +Marne. Only two first-class cricketers had ever been in the Cabinet. +Three scientists had. The earth went round the sun. The moon went round +the earth. Rivers flowed into the ocean. + + An improving speaker, who is inclined to be carried away by his + enthusiasm. Too many metaphors. + +H. ASQUITH, Opposer (Collegers), said that the speech of the hon. +Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, as ineffective as they were +insincere. Never in the whole course of his career had he encountered a +subterfuge so transparent, a calumny so shameless as the attempt of the +Hon. Prop., he might say the calculated and cynical attempt of the Hon. +Prop., to seduce from their faith the tenacious acolytes of Sport by +the now threadbare recital of the dubious and, on his own showing, the +anaemic enticements of Science. The War had proved that Science was no +good. + + This speaker is steadily improving, but he has a tendency to a + "fatal fluency," and he must beware of high-sounding phrases. + Also too many passages in his speech sounded like quotations. + +A. BONAR LAW, Seconder (Commoners), said that the War had proved that +Sport was no good. Gas had been invented by Science. He pointed out the +importance of astronomy in navigation. + + A rapidly improving speaker. But he must not mumble. + +E. G. PRETTYMAN{most likely misprint for 'PRETYMAN' - see ESSENCE OF +PARLIAMENT below}(Hodgeites) said that farming was both a science and a +sport. The canal system of Great Britain had been neglected. + + Some neat little epigrams. + +LESLIE SCOTT (Collegers) said that his father was a lawyer. Science had +been used in the Russo-Japanese War. + + This speaker was not at his best. Perhaps it was the + gooseberries. + +LESLIE WILSON (Hittites) said that his Christian name was the same as +the previous speaker's--(Laughter)--but his views were very different. +(Loud laughter.) He would like to ask the House which had done most in +the War--Tanks or Banks. + + The speech of the evening. Witty and well-argued. But he must + not fidget with his waistcoat-buttons. + +W. S. CHURCHILL (Hivites) said that this was a revolutionary motion. +Sport and Science must stand together. True sport was scientific and +true scientists were sportsmen. (Applause.) Together they would stand +as an imperishable bulwark against the relentless tide of Socialism. +Divided they would fall. + + A steadily improving speaker, but he must not recite. + +H. A. L. FISHER (Collegers) was in favour of Proportional Education. + + He must not lecture. + +E. GEDDES (Perizzites) said he did not mind what game he played. Rugger, +Soccer, Hockey, Cricket, Lacrosse, Rounders--he was equally at home with +all of them. + + An improving speaker. He must not speak at the roof; there is no + one there. + +F. BANBURY (Sittites) must not go on and on. + +A. MOND (Moabites) must not fidget with his feet. + +H. D. KING (Hivites) said that sailing was scientific. + + He has not been heard before. + +R. KENWORTHY (Day-boy) must not be heard again. + +R. BRACE (Coalites) must not wheedle. + +ADAMSON (Coalites) must not shout. + +A. ADDISON (Collegers) was inaudible where we were. + +E. CARSON (Jebusites) was inaudible everywhere. But we gather we did not +miss much. He must speak up. + +W. BENN (Amalekites) was invisible. + +A. BALFOUR (Stalactites) was insensible. But why not sleep in the +dormitory? + +R. CECIL _mi._ (Parasites) must not preach. + +J. DEVLIN (Meteorites) said that Ireland was a nation. But he must not +get excited. + +R. CECIL _ma._ (Collegers) must not eat while he is speaking. Otherwise +a gentlemanly speech. + +The President summed up and the Motion was carried by 12 votes to 11. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL. + +OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, FIND IT +IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS. + +"LADIES AND GENTS, I 'OPE YOU WILL LET ME 'AVE YOUR KIND ATTENTION WHILE +I GIVE A RENDERING OF 'RULE, BRITANNIA,' THE NATIONAL SONG OF BRITAIN, +ACCOMPANYIN' MYSELF ON THE 'ARP, WICH I LEARNED TO PLAY WEN I WAS +SERVIN' IN THE ARMY OF OCCUPATION IN THAT REMOTE AND BARBAROUS ISLAND."] + + * * * * * + +A DIFFICULT CASE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--This is one of those social problems which end by +asking what A should do, only in this case I want to know what you would +do. + +It happened on the first day of my leave, just after I had, as is my +custom on this day, had my hair cut and otherwise made beautiful at a +place in Bond Street. (I am afraid this sounds as if I was a rich man, +but really I am a Naval Officer.) + +I was wearing--well, that would not interest you, but it really was +rather a pleasant suit, with a hat which even _The Daily Mail_ could not +improve upon. Briefly, I was strolling along in a perfectly contented +frame of mind when a horse, drawing a van, chose to fall down right +alongside me. + +In a moment of rashness and chivalry--have I said that the horse was +being driven by a girl?--I promptly sat on the brute's head, an act +which I had always been told is the correct thing to do, though, I +should imagine, discouraging for the horse. + +In my haste I sat down with my back to the van, so was unable to gauge +the progress of the refitting work which was going on. + +In an effort to convey to the crowd, which had, of course, collected, +that I was in no way embarrassed, nay more, that I was well accustomed +to sitting on horses' heads in the middle of Bond Street, I lit +a cigarette and tried to look _blase_, no easy thing to do in the +circumstances. + +Small boys made tactless remarks about my personal appearance and +eccentric habits, but I ignored them, feverishly thinking that this +adventure would necessitate an early visit to my club. I had just +decided what brand of cocktail would best meet the case when I felt a +tap on my shoulder and looked up at a vast blue expanse which I realised +later was a policeman. + +"If you've quite finished with that there 'orse you're sitting on, young +man," he said, "the leddy wants to take it 'ome." + +The crowd chuckled and I rose hurriedly. Unfortunately, so did the +horse, urged on, possibly by the cries and kicks of several willing +helpers, or possibly by the sight of his mistress, who had come up, I +hoped, to thank me. + +Not only did the horse rise, but he rose at full speed and without +giving me time to get my foot off the rein on which I was unwittingly +standing. + +My leg shot into the air and I lost all sense of direction for a few +seconds. Then a slight shock, and I found myself clasping the "leddy" +firmly round the neck. + +At this juncture my aunt appeared. + +My aunt, I should explain, is nothing if not dignified. She is built on +the lines of a monitor, bluff in the bow, broad in the beam, slow and +majestic of movement. Her lips were moving feebly when I saw her, but +she uttered no sound, uncertain, I suppose, whether to intervene or to +pretend that I was in no way connected with her. + +Paralysed by her arrival, I saw her slowly take in the scene. Her eye +wandered from the policeman to me, from me to the unfortunate girl +to whom I still clung. I could see her jumping--no, moving +ponderously--towards the wrong conclusion. + +Mr. Punch, what would you have done? + +Yours faithfully, An N. O. + +[Your first thought should have been for the girl, whom you had clearly +compromised in your aunt's eyes. You should at once have introduced her +to that lady as your long-lost _fiancee_. Later in the afternoon you +could have called on your relative and told her that you had mislaid the +girl again--this time irretrievably.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOLLY OF ATHENS. + +ATHENA (_to her Owl_). "SAY 'TINO'!" + +THE OWL. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF +WISDOM."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 15th._--To induce the House of Lords to accept a +measure for the compulsory acquisition of land is analogous to the +process of getting butter out of a dog's mouth; and it is not surprising +that Lord PEEL essayed the task of getting a second reading for +an Acquisition of Lands Bill in rather gingerly fashion. When one +remembered a racy correspondence in the newspapers over certain +Midlothian farms one could hardly have been surprised if the Laird of +DALMENY had reappeared in the arena, flourishing his claymore. But, +alas! he still remains in retirement, and it was left to Lord SUMNER to +administer some sound legal thwacks and, in his own words, to "dispel +the mirage which the noble Viscount raised over the sand of a very arid +Bill." He did not oppose the Second Reading, but hinted that if ever it +emerged from Committee its own draftsman would not know it.{missing +period in original} + +The PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE must regard Monday with rather mixed +feelings. That is the day on which Questions addressed to his Department +have first place on the Order-paper; and accordingly he has a lively +quarter-of-an-hour in coping with the contradictory conundrums of +Cobdenites and Chamberlainites. On the whole he treads the fiscal +tight-rope with an imperturbability worthy of BLONDIN. A Tariff +Reformer, indignant at the increased imports of foreign glass-ware, +provoked the query, "Does my hon. friend regard bottles as a +key-industry?" And a Wee Free Trader who sarcastically inquired if +foreign countries complained of our dumping cement on them at prices +much above the cost in this country was promptly told that "that is the +very reverse of dumping." + +Sir DONALD MACLEAN was rewarded to-night for all his uphill work as +leader of the Wee Frees before--and since--Mr. ASQUITH'S reappearance. +On the Financial Resolution of the Ministry of Health Bill his eloquent +plea for the harassed ratepayers received an almost suspiciously prompt +response from Mr. BONAR LAW, who admitted that it was inconvenient to +drive an "omnibus" measure of this kind through an Autumn Session, and +intimated that thirteen of its clauses would be jettisoned. An appeal +from Lady ASTOR, that the Government should not "economise in health," +fell upon deaf ears. Dr. ADDISON not only enumerated the thirteen doomed +clauses, but threw in a fourteenth for luck. + +[Illustration: THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS. + +_Conductor ADDISON (to Driver LAW)._ "WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET 'OME BY +CHRISTMAS WITH ALL THEM PASSENGERS ON TOP? WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME +BEFORE I TOOK 'EM ON?"] + +_Tuesday, November 16th._--I don't suppose Lord CREWE and the other +noble Lords who enlarged upon the theme "_Persicos odi_" expected to +embarrass the FOREIGN SECRETARY by their cross-questioning. Persia is +to Lord CURZON what "de brier-patch" was to _Brer Rabbit_. He has been +cultivating it all his life, and knows every twist and turn of its +complicated history, ancient and modern. The gist of his illuminating +lecture to the Peers was that our one aim had been to maintain Persian +independence with due regard to British interests, and that it now +rested with the Persians themselves to decide their own destiny. + +[Illustration: BRER RABBIT{original had 'RABBBIT'} IN HIS ELEMENT. + +LORD CURZON.] + +Hopes of a relaxation of the passport restrictions were a little dashed +by Mr. HARMSWORTH'S announcement that the fees received for British +visas amounted to some fifty per cent. more than the cost of the staff +employed. The Government will naturally be loth to scrap a Department +which actually earns its keep. + +The WAR MINISTER was again badgered about the hundred Rolls-Royces +that he had ordered for Mesopotamia. Now that we were contemplating +withdrawal was it necessary to have them? To this Mr. CHURCHILL replied +that the new Arab State would still require our assistance. A mental +picture of the sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobiles _de luxe_ +presented itself to Mr. HOGGE, who gave notice that he should "reduce" +the Army Estimates by the price of the chassis. A little later Mr. +CHURCHILL came down heavily on an innocent Coalitionist who had +proffered suggestions as to the better safeguarding of the troops in +Ireland. "Odd as it may seem," he told him, "this aspect of the question +has engaged the attention of the military authorities." + +In the course of debate on the Agricultural Bill, Mr. ACLAND hinted that +Sir F. BANBURY, one of its severest critics, was out of touch with rural +affairs. Whereupon Mr. PRETYMAN came to the rescue with the surprising +revelation that the junior Member for the City of London, in addition +to his vocations as banker, stockbroker and railway director, had on one +occasion carried out the functions of "shepherd to a lambing flock." +The right hon. Baronet, who is known to his intimates as "Peckham," +will have Mr. PRETYMAN to thank if his _sobriquet_ in future is "Little +Bo-Peep." + +_Wednesday, November 17th._--The Lords, having welcomed the Bishop of +DURHAM--a notable addition to the oratorical strength of the Episcopal +Bench--proceeded to show that even the lay peers had not much to learn +in the matter of polite invective. Lord GAINFORD invited them to declare +that the Government should forthwith reduce its swollen Departmental +staffs and incidentally relieve our open spaces from the eyesores that +now disfigure them. Perhaps he laid overmuch stress upon the latter part +of his motion, for the Ministerial spokesman rode off on this line--Lord +CRAWFORD confessing that his artistic sensibility was outraged by these +"horrible hutments"--and said very little about cutting down the staffs. +This way of treating the matter dissatisfied the malcontents, who voted +down the Ministry. + +The Front Opposition Bench in the Commons was almost deserted at +Question-time. Presently the appearance of Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY in +unusually festive attire furnished an explanation. After forty years of +bachelorship and four of fighting, WEDGWOOD BENN is Benedict indeed; and +his colleagues were attending his wedding-festivities. + +[Illustration: AMOR TRIUMPHANS. + +(_After the Pompeii mosaic._) + +WITH MR. PUNCH'S BEST WISHES TO CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN.] + +The SECRETARY TO THE ADMIRALTY has not yet attained to the omniscience +in Naval affairs that his predecessor acquired in the course of twelve +years' continuous occupancy of the post. But Sir JAMES CRAIG can handle +an awkward questioner no less deftly than "Dr. MAC." Witness his excuse +for not replying to a "Supplementary":--"The hon. and gallant gentleman +must understand that I attach so much importance to his questions that +I wish to be most punctilious in my answers." Who could persist after +that? + +Mr. BONAR LAW stated that the treaties by which Great Britain and France +were responsible for constitutional government in Greece came to an +end in August last. Consequently the two Powers have "a completely free +hand" in regard to the Greek Monarchy. But he begged to be excused from +saying in what manner that "free hand" would be used if TINO should +think of returning. + +_Thursday, November 18th._--In the Lords the Acquisition of Land Bill +had most of its teeth drawn. Lord SUMNER was the most adroit of the many +operators employed, and he used no gas. + +The usual dreary duel of Nationalist insinuation and Ministerial denial +in regard to Irish happenings was lightened by one or two interludes. +Mr. JACK JONES loudly suggested that the Government should send for +General LUDENDORFF to show them how to carry out reprisals. "He is no +friend of _mine_," retorted the CHIEF SECRETARY, with subtle emphasis. +Later he read a long letter from the C.-in-C. of the Irish Republican +Army to his Chief of Staff discussing the possibility of enlisting the +germs of typhoid and glanders in their noble fight for freedom. The +House listened with rapt attention until Sir HAMAR came to the pious +conclusion, "God bless you all." Amid the laughter that followed this +anti-climax Mr. DEVLIN was heard to ask, "Was not the whole thing +concocted in Dublin Castle?" Well, if so, Dublin Castle must have +developed a sense of humour quite foreign to its traditions. Perhaps +that is the reason why the PRIME MINISTER, earlier in the Sitting, +expressed the opinion that "things in Ireland are getting much better." + + * * * * * + +THE BOOT MYSTERY. + +DRAMATIC SCENES AT BILBURY QUARTER SESSIONS. + +COUNSEL FOR PROSECUTION ARRIVES FROM LONDON. + +THE PROCEEDINGS. + +NOTES ON THE LEADING PERSONALITIES IN THE GREAT DRAMA. + +PRISONER ADKINS' AWKWARD ADMISSION. + + [Note.--The author is surprised, not to say pained, at the conspiracy + of silence on the part of the daily Press, as a result of which he is + left to write this matter up himself. However ...] + +A sombre court-house of Quarter Sessions, the light with difficulty +penetrating the dusty panes of the windows. On the so-called Bench +sits the Bench so-called; in point of fact there are half-a-dozen ripe +aldermen sitting on chairs, in the midst of which is an arm-chair, and +in it Mr. Augustus Jones, the Recorder of Bilbury. + +Born in 1873 of rich but respectable parents; called, with no uncertain +voice, to the Bar in 1894; of a weighty corpulence and stormy visage, +Mr. Jones now settles himself in his arm-chair to hear and determine +all this business about Absalom Adkins and the Boots. How admirably +impressive is Mr. Jones's typically English absence of hysteria, his +calm, his restfulness. Indeed, give Mr. Jones five minutes to himself +and it is even betting he would be fast asleep. + +The Clerk of the Court with awful dignity suggests getting a move on. +Mr. Blaythwayte{original had "Blathwayte"} who, as well as Clerk of the +Court is also Town Clerk of Bilbury, was born in 1850 and, having +survived the intervening years, now demands the production of the +prisoner from below. Looking at this dignitary one gets the poetic +impression of a mass of white hair, white moustache, white whiskers, +white beard and white wig, with little bits of bright red face appearing +in between. From a crevice in one of these patches come the ominous +words, of which we catch but a sample or two: "... Prisoner at the bar +... for that you did ... steal, take and carry away ... pairs of boots +... of our Lord the King, his crown and dignity." + +At this moment there arrives in court a sinister figure wearing the wig +and gown so much affected by the English Bar. Plainly a man of character +and of moment; obviously selected with great care for this highly +difficult and delicate matter. His features are sharp, clean-cut. One +feels that they have been sharpened and cut clean this very morning. In +his hand he holds the fateful brief, pregnant with damnatory facts. He +makes his way into the pen reserved "For Counsel only." The usher locks +him in for safety's sake. + + PERSONS IN THE DRAMA (SO FAR). + + _Mr. Augustus Jones._ Recorder. Born in 1873.{missing period in + original} + + _Mr. Joseph K. Blaythwayte._ Clerk of the Court. Born in 1850. + + _Absalom Adkins_, of uncertain age, supposed boot-fancier. + + _Our Lord the King_, whose peace, crown and dignity are reported + to have been rudely disturbed by the alleged activities of + Absalom Adkins. + +Who is this strong silent man, this robed counsellor trusted with the +case of the Crown? Who is it? It is I! Born in the year--but if I'm to +tell my life story it's a thousand pounds I want. Make it guineas and +I will include portraits of self and relations, with place of birth, +inset. + +The scenario (or do we mean the scene?) is now complete. Leading +characters, minor characters, chorus, supernumeraries and I myself +are all on the stage. Absalom Adkins, clad in a loose-fitting corduroy +lounge suit and his neck encased in a whitish kerchief, rises from his +seat. Mr. Jones, the Recorder, does much as he was doing before--nothing +in particular. Counsel for the prosecution re-reads his brief, +underlines the significant points, forgets that his pencil is a blue +one and licks it. On a side-table, impervious to their surroundings and +apparently unconcerned with their significance, sit the crucial boots. + +"How say you, Absalom Adkins"--such the concluding words of the Clerk, +the finish of the prologue which rings up the curtain on this human +drama--"how say you? Are you guilty or not guilty?" + +"Guilty," says Absalom, and that ends it. + + * * * * * + +Later a large and enthusiastic crowd outside (had there been one) might +have seen a man with clean and sharp-cut features carrying a bag in +one hand and an umbrella in the other, stepping lightly on to a Bilbury +corporation tram, station bound. This is the counsel for the prosecution +(still me), his grave responsibilities honourably discharged, hurrying +back to the vortex of metropolitan life. + +F. O. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Vicar._ "I UNDERSTAND FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOUR HUSBAND +IS HEARING BETTER WITH THIS EAR." + +_Darby._ "EH, WHAT? WHAT'S 'E SAY, JOAN?" + +_Joan._ "'E SAYS 'E UNDERSTANDS FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOU'RE 'EARING +BETTER WITH THAT THERE."] + + * * * * * + +From a stores catalogue:-- + + "THE ---- WRINGER. + + Guaranteed for one year--Fair wear and tear excepted." + +There is always a catch somewhere. + + * * * * * + + "A consignment of Rumanian eggs has arrived in this country. + This shipment, which is the first to arrive since the war closed + this source of supply in 1914, consists of 100 cases, each + containing 1914 eggs."--_Scots Paper._ + +Referring, we trust, to the number and not the vintage. + + * * * * * + + "CONTRACTS, TENDERS, &c. + + The Great Northern Railway Company. + + Allegro moderato } from String } + Notturno ....... } Quartet, No. 2, } Borodine. + } in D } + + STORES CONTRACTS." + + _Daily Paper._ + +It is generally supposed that the company entertains the idea of +attempting to "soothe the savage breast" of the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT. + + * * * * * + +THE LETTERS I NEVER POST. + +_I met a philosopher the other day--he is not a philosopher by +profession, but an architect--who told me that, when annoyed by the +anomalies and petty red-tape restrictions of life or irritated by +incompetence and incivility, or even when he feels that he can amend +somebody else's error or propose an improvement, it is his habit to +write a letter expressing his indignation or embodying his suggestions._ + +_After remarking that he must be kept very busy I asked him what kind of +replies he got._ + +"_Oh, I don't get any replies," he said, "because, you see, I don't send +the letters; I only write them and then I tear them up._" + +_This is how I knew that he was a philosopher._ + +_I propose to take to philosophy myself._ + + * * * + +TO A TAXI-DRIVER. + +DEAR SIR,--(You must understand, as must all the people that I address +in these epistles, that by "dear" I do not necessarily imply any +affection. I employ the word because I am too old to care about breaking +down harmless conventions; but I might claim in the present connection +that it has more than one meaning. That indeed you will see, if you read +on, is the main point of this letter.)--Dear Sir, then, you may remember +me. I am the fare who hailed you on your rank at the corner of Fulham +Road and Drayton Gardens last Tuesday evening at a quarter to six, and +told you to drive to the Marble Arch. You put down the flag and then +jumped off the box to wind up the starter. It failed, and after several +attempts you had to examine the machinery. I suppose that six minutes +were occupied in this way, whether because you are a bad mechanic or a +careless fellow or because the engine is defective, I cannot say; all +I know is that I was in a hurry and that the flag was down, but we were +not moving. If you had not put the flag down I should have got out and +taken another cab; but I felt that that would be unfair to you. When, +however, at the end of the journey I paid you without adding any tip, +and you received the money with an offensive grunt, I wished that I had +been less considerate. + +It is because nothing that I could have said then, in your horrid +hostile mood, would have convinced you that there is any injustice to a +fare at all in putting down your flag before you are properly started, +that I am writing this letter. My hope is that quiet perusal may +demonstrate that the fare has, at any rate, a grain of logic on his side +if he looks upon himself as defrauded. We don't, you know, take your +cabs for the joy of sitting in them, or for the pleasure of watching you +struggling with a crank, but to be conveyed quickly from place to place. +It is wrong to ask us to pay for the time spent by you in persuading +your engine to behave, and it is indecent to become abusive when we act +on that assumption. If I had not been so busy I should have refused to +pay at all and forced you to summon me; but who has time for such costly +formalities? And I might have had to lose my temper, which I have not +done (much) since I read an article by a doctor saying that every such +loss means an abbreviation of life. Life in a world made fit for heroes +may not be any great catch, but it is better, at any rate, than +passing to a region where one is apparently liable to be in constant +communication with mediums. + +One other thing. I have just returned from Paris, where, amid much that +is unsatisfactory and besmirched by Peace, taxis remain trustworthy and +plentiful. The price marked on the meter is that which the fare pays, +and any number of persons may ride in the cab without extra charge. +Nothing exceeds my scorn for the English taxi-driver who demands another +ninepence for an additional passenger, even though only a child--nothing +except my scorn for the cowardly official who conceded this monstrous +imposition. + + * * * + +TO AN ADMINISTRATOR. + +DEAR SIR,--May I implore you to authorise the instant removal of the +buildings in the St. James's Park lake? During the War we who find on +the suspension bridge, looking West, the most beautiful late afternoon +view in London, were content to endure the invasion. But we have passed +the second Armistice Day, and still the huts remain, and still there is +no water, and still the enchanted prospect is denied us. After all, +this lake is part of London, and London ratepayers should be entitled to +their city's beauties as well as its necessities. + + * * * + +TO A PRETTY GIRL. + +MY DEAR,--I want you to be a little more merciful. The other day, when +your father, over the eggs and bacon, was reading out the news from +Greece, with the defeat of VENIZELOS, you said lightly that exile didn't +matter very much because VENIZELOS was a very old man. You then returned +to the absorbing occupation of identifying Society people, reading from +left to right. Now VENIZELOS is fifty-five years of age, and I cannot +allow the term "very old" to be applied to him without protest; I am too +nearly his contemporary. "Getting on," if you like, "mature," "ripe," +but not "very old." You must keep that phrase for the people who--well, +who _are_ very old. + + * * * + +TO A HABERDASHER. + +DEAR SIR,--When I came to put on the collar that I bought from you +yesterday (I am the tallish customer who takes sixteen and a half by two +and was in a hurry to get home to dress) I found that your young man's +finger-marks were on it. Why don't you make your assistants wear gloves +when they handle collars? + + * * * + +TO A MINISTER OF RELIGION. + +YOUR FAR-FROM-SERENE GLOOMINESS,--Won't you one day be a little +cheerful, and wrong? Won't you send out a lifeboat to the wreck instead +of watching her through your smoked field-glasses as she sinks? What you +seem to forget is that most people at times are their own Gloomy +Deans: some of us too often; and there can be too much of a good thing. +Hopelessness butters no parsnips and it is a mood not to be encouraged +or the world would be as bad as we then think it. Gloomy-deaniness, +though salutary for brief intervals, should be sparingly indulged in; +but you are at it all the time. There is a Chinese proverb which says, +"If you can't smile don't open a shop;" and, after all, St. Paul's +Cathedral is in a manner of speaking a kind of shop, isn't it?--the +goods, at any rate, should be obtainable there. The phrase "there is no +health in us" does not constitute the whole liturgy. Down with facile +optimists by all means, but, my dear Sir---- + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE ERMINE. + + The ermine is not quite as grand as he sounds; + As a rule he is shot if he comes in the grounds; + You have seen him about by the mulberry-tree, + Though I very much doubt if you knew it was he. + + He is shot with a gun and hung up by the throat, + For the ermine, my son, is the same as the stoat; + So when Auntie has got just a little more ermine + You can tell her (or not) she is covered with vermin. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Col. ---- was unable to be present, and altogether the event + was highly successful." + + _Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Pugilist._ "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT." + +_Second Pugilist._ "WELL, WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO ABOUT IT?" + +_First Pugilist._ "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'LL DO ABOUT IT--FOR A PURSE OF +TEN THOUSAND POUNDS AND THE CINEMA RIGHTS."] + + * * * * * + +MORE NOTES FROM A SYNTHETIC COUNTRY DIARY. + +_November 20th._--I have been much struck this morning by a remarkable +instance of protective mimicry on the part of a grey squirrel, which +assumes attitudes and adopts gestures which at a little distance render +him almost indistinguishable from a small monkey. WHITE'S _Selborne_ +throws no light on this strange phenomenon, which I can only explain as +a result on the animal world of the now fashionable _Tarzan_ cult, which +so happily reconciles the old hostility between apes and angels. + +Of the habits and customs of the hedgehog mention has already been made +in these notes. It may be added that the whistle which these interesting +creatures emit from time to time resembles the _timbre_ of a muted +piccolo, and their employment in a mixed orchestra is well worth the +consideration of our younger and more enterprising composers. Another +animal which shares with the hedgehog the defensive faculty of rolling +itself up in a ball is the "pill millipede," a myriopod with seventeen +pairs of legs, but fortunately exempt from the necessity of wearing +trousers, which at present prices would impose an exorbitant demand on +its resources. + +As winter draws on the evolutions of birds great and small are a +never-ending source of surprise and delight. Many hooded crows are now +to be seen consorting with the rooks in the field and swelling the +sable multitude that flies at evensong towards the park trees. And great +congregations of plovers, curiously self-sufficing in their ability +to dispense with the services of any feathered parson, lend colour and +subconscious uplift to marshland scenes, which would otherwise look +extremely _triste_. + +Small indigenous birds, such as titmice, chipmunks, pipits and +squinches, are constantly seen in coveys or even bevies just now. A +party of pipwinks visited my copse yesterday afternoon, and indulged in +delicious _morceaux_ of melody before the red sun sank starkly below the +horizon.... + +As long as the weather remains open I find it a good plan to plant +flowers and shrubs which bloom in the spring. Proticipation is a +cardinal asset in the outfit of the judicious gardener, and no +time should be lost in completing the spring beds, as the cost of +hair-mattresses is going up by leaps and bounds. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAGUE OF DOTS. + + There are decimal dots which we can't do without + In spite of Lord RANDOLPH'S historical flout; + There are dots too, with dashes combined, in the mode + Familiar in Morse's beneficent code; + While some British parents good reasons advance + In favour of "_dots_" as they're managed in France. + But as for the writers disdainful of plots + Who pepper their pages with plentiful dots, + They must not complain if the critics of prose + Disapprove of a practice which savours of pose, + And, searching around for an adequate [Greek: hoti], + Proclaim it a sign of a brain that is dotty. + + * * * * * + +From an article on "Back to Germany":-- + + "The quiet, old-fashioned restaurants, where in the old days I + have seen field-marshals' batons hanging up in the cloak-room, + know them no more."--_Daily Paper._ + +Nowadays the German Field-Marshal takes his baton into the dining-room +to stir his soup. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"WILL YOU KISS ME?" + +Even before the era of Prohibition (there were cocktails in this play) +strange things must have happened in "God's own country" under the +banner of the Bird of Freedom. But never so strange as the effects you +get on the stage when very English people play at being Americans. You +have to be rather young and unsophisticated if such phrases as "He's +putting it over on us," or "I'm not going to stand for that," generously +peppered about the dialogue and recited in the purest of English +accents, can persuade you to believe that you are getting the real +local stuff. At the same time you accept cheerfully the most farcical +conditions on the vague assumption that all things may be possible over +there. + +So, when _John W. Brook_, of Fifth Avenue, millionaire, engaged the +services of _Alexander Y. Hedge_, plenipotentiary representative of an +Efficiency Company, to introduce economic reforms into his motherless +household during his temporary absence, we regarded it as a most +reasonable experiment. And for a time it made excellent fun. But after +a while it began to wear thin for lack of fresh stimulus, and by the +end of the Second Act there was a general feeling in the audience that +something would have to be done about it. + +The same thought seems to have occurred to Mr. CYRIL HARCOURT, the +author, and he started, a little late in the day, to introduce an +element of sex-romance into what so far had been an absolutely bloodless +proposition. But at first it was with sinister intent that _Brook's_ +elder daughter made advances to _Alexander Y. Hedge_. As soon as she +could induce this monster of inhumanity to become a prey to her charm +she would repulse him with scorn, and then he would have to go. + +The children's allowances having been cut off on the ground that +they did nothing to earn them, she offered her services as his paid +secretary. "Propinquity" did its work and she was soon in a position +to offer him the privilege of an experimental kiss, thus incidentally +justifying the dreadful title of the play. + +The first, delivered on the cheek, was a wash-out; but the second, +pressed home on the lips, had the desired effect. Then she turned and +rent him, telling him exactly what she thought of his treatment of the +family. He replied with an eloquent philippic directed at the vices of +a bloated aristocracy (this was the ante-bellum age, before things had +been made so much safer for democracy). Almost before the applause of +the gallery had died down, the father burst upon the scene, furious +at the report that this hired commercial had been making love to his +daughter. + +Explanations follow which appease his wrath, and he is further mollified +by the statement that the Master of Efficiency had cut down the expenses +of his _menage_ by some nineteen thousand dollars. But why, when his +feats of economy had all the time been the matter of his offence in the +children's eyes, the announcement of the total should have favourably +affected the girl's heart I cannot say, and I don't think anybody else +can. Yet the fact remains that the next moment she undertakes to marry +the object of her previous loathing. + +To have arrived naturally at such an end would have meant a couple more +Acts, in which the man _Hedge_ might have had time to live down the +evil effects of his efficiency. But with so much economy in the air the +author appears to have caught the infection of it and economised in his +processes to save our time. That is the kindest excuse I can find for +him. + +As for the moral, it would seem to be that, if (as is more than +probable) you have no copy of the works of ARISTOTLE in your Fifth +Avenue library, and imagine, never having heard of the happy mean, +that virtue lies in one of two excesses--an excess of idle luxury or an +excess of efficiency--the former is the one to choose. + +Mr. DONALD CALTHROP as _Hedge_ bore the burden of the play with a +high hand that had a very sure touch. It was extraordinary with what +alertness and confidence he commanded every situation--except, of +course, the absurd climax which nobody could hope to handle. Mr. C. V. +FRANCE, as the English butler (ex-clergyman) who had taken a long +time to learn how to disfigure his aspirates (out of deference to the +American legend), gave a very fresh and attractive performance. Some of +the best things in the dialogue--not always very humorous--were given +to little _Alice Brook_ (aged 14), one of those precocities for which +America has always held the world's record. I don't know, and should not +think of asking, Miss ANN TREVOR'S age, but she looked to me a little +old for the part of this child, however precocious. Miss MARJORIE GORDON +played with intelligence as the elder sister, but never for a moment +suggested a New York atmosphere. Indeed she adopted just the mincing +kind of speech which out there is held to bewray the "Britisher." The +only performance that made any real pretence of being American was that +of Mr. TURNBULL as the manager of the Efficiency Company. + +[Illustration: STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY. + +_Horace, the Butler_ (MR. C. V. FRANCE) lengthens his stride in +obedience to + +_Alexander Y. Hedge_ (MR. DONALD CALTHROP).] + +Still, after all, local colour is no great matter so long as you get +some recognisable aspect, though farcically presented, of human +nature; but the trouble with this play is that while our sense of the +probabilities is never too much outraged so long as the chief character +is just a piece of inhuman machinery, the author lapses into the +incredible the moment he tries to introduce a little humanity into his +scheme. However, I have perhaps taken things too seriously, instead of +being properly grateful for some very good entertainment. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS FOR MEN. + + "Miss ---- takes Orders for Knitted Skirts, Jerseys, and Hats to + match. Also, Gent.'s Cardigan Coats and Hand-Painted Blouses." + + _Scots Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The Rev. W. E. ---- based the subject of his discourse on 'The + Foolish Virgins.' A large number were present." + + _South African Paper._ + +We trust they were edified. + + * * * * * + + "The discovery of Saturn's rings was made by Galileo in 1610 + through his little refractory telescope."--_Welsh Paper._ + +The difficulty with this kind of instrument is to make it shut up. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXCITING EXPERIENCE OF A NEW M.F.H. WHO HAS BEEN ADVISED +BY A FRIEND THAT HE SHOULD ALWAYS, WHEN GOING INTO KENNELS, FILL HIS +POCKETS WITH BISCUITS.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Inevitably one's first thought on sighting _A Naval History of the War_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is that he must be a brave skipper indeed who +would take out a lone ship, however excellently found, to cruise such +controversial waters. But Sir HENRY NEWBOLT is an experienced hand, +and, though (so to speak) one finds him at times conscious of Sir +JULIAN CORBETT on the sky-line, he brings off his self-appointed task +triumphantly. To drop metaphor, here is a temperate and clearly-written +history, midway between the technical and the popular, of a kind +precisely suited to the plain man who wishes a comprehensive _resume_ +of the course of the War at sea. For this purpose its arrangement is +admirable, the story being presented first in a general survey under +dates, then in special chapters devoted to episodes or aspects, e.g., +Coronel and the Falklands (that unmatchable drama of disaster and +revenge), the submarines and their countering, and finally Jutland. +Throughout, as I have said, Sir HENRY, having one of the best stories +in the world to tell, is at pains to avoid anything that even remotely +approaches fine writing. Only once have I even detected the literary +man, when, in describing the strange finish of the _Koenigsberg_, +he permits himself the pleasure of calling it "the sea fight in the +forest." For the rest, the "strength and splendour" of England's +greatest naval war are left to make their own impression. I shall be +astonished if such a book, having figured brilliantly as a present +this Christmas, is not treasured for generations as a work of family +reference in hundreds of British homes. + + * * * + +The name of Mrs. BELLOC LOWNDES on the outside would alone have made me +open _From the Vasty Deep_ (HUTCHINSON) with a pleasant anticipation of +creepiness, even without the generous measure of bogies depicted on the +coloured wrapper. Having now read the story, I am bound to add (and +I can only hope that Mrs. LOWNDES will take my admission for the +compliment that it really is) that the net result has been one of slight +disappointment. Briefly, I continue to prefer the writer as a criminal, +rather than a psychic, "Fat Boy." After all, once grant your ghost and +anyone can conjure it, with appropriate circumstance, at the proper +moments. Wyndfell Hall was full enough of ghosts, all ready to appear at +the voluntary or involuntary instance of a young lady named _Bubbles_, +who was one of the Christmas house-party and the owner of a rather +uncomfortable gift of spook-raising. But beyond making themselves an +occasional nuisance to the guests I couldn't find that the phantoms did +anything practical to help along such plot as there was. Even the quite +palpable fact that the host was at least a double murderer came to +proof by the ordinary process of law rather than by any supernatural +revelation. Before this I have gratefully owed to Mrs. LOWNDES the +raising of my remaining hairs like quills upon the fretful porcupine, +but the ca'-canny bogies of her present story are too perfunctory to +excuse even a shiver in any but the most unsophisticated reader. + + * * * + +It may, I suppose, be accounted for righteousness to Major-General Sir +ARCHIBALD ANSON that in _About Others and Myself_ (MURRAY) he is so +little of an egotist as to convey scarcely any impression of what manner +of man he is or what he thinks of this or that. Much more clear from her +quoted letters is the character of his grandmother, who vainly tried +to keep the over-gallant First Gentleman of Europe out of mischief. Our +autobiographer gives us a plain, blunt, not to say bald record of what +must have been an interesting life. He was at Eton under KEATE; a cadet +at Woolwich, where he saw a gunner receive two hundred lashes; a gunnery +subaltern in the Crimea, where he saw many queer and unedifying things; +a successful administrator in Madagascar, Mauritius and Penang, and +finally Governor of the Straits Settlements, with a K.C.M.G. and +honourable retirement to follow. But he is a man of action rather than +words, and his faculty of observation is but too often exercised upon +such slender matters as that "Poor Captain Powlett met with a misfortune +on the way to Kedah. His servant laid the dinner things on the deck +of the gunboat, then went below for something and, coming up again, +accidentally walked into the middle of the crockery and glass, +causing considerable destruction." Also, I think he quotes +his testimonials--those never very candid and always very dull +documents--much too freely. The best of the book is concerned with his +administration work in Penang and district, where on the evidence he +seems to have kept his end up with skill and no small zeal for good +government. + + * * * + +The title of Lady (LAURA) TROUBRIDGE'S new novel, _O Perfect Love_ +(METHUEN), applies to her V. C. hero only; with his wife it is a case of +O Very Imperfect Love. _Jean Chartres_ is a common product of the age, +the sort of girl that insists on "having a good time" and "living her +life" and "being herself" (how well one knows the jargon!). Less common, +let us hope, is the woman who would desert her husband, as _Jean_ did, +because the injuries he had received in the War prevented him from +giving her the kind of life for which she craved. Foolish rather than +vicious, she drifts into a relationship which could have had only one +conclusion, if her lover, tiring of platonics, had not prematurely +pressed his demands. Thoroughly scared by his violence she runs away +and finds sanctuary with the "perfect love" of the title. In this happy +solution she had better fortune than she deserved. It is not every woman +who has the good luck, when rushing blindly out of the House of Peril +into the wintry night (in a ball-dress), to find--what had apparently +escaped _Jean's_ memory for the moment--that her faithful husband's +estate is in the immediate neighbourhood. Though Lady TROUBRIDGE'S sense +of style is not impeccable she can tell a good tale; her dialogue rings +true and her characters are well observed. The trouble with most authors +of Society novels is that either they know their subject but can't +write, or that they can write but know nothing of their subject. Lady +TROUBRIDGE is one of the very few writers in this kind who both know +their world and how to portray it. + + * * * + +Mr. B. BENNION follows the vogue for confidentially descriptive covers +in announcing, as a title to his volume of angling reminiscences, that +_The Trout are Rising in England and South Africa_ (LANE) and suggesting +that here is "a book for slippered ease." One is certainly warned not +to expect anything very strenuous in its course, and indeed so placidly +flow its waters that few, perhaps, but devotees of the craft will +follow it to the end. Not but what there are metaphorical trout in it, +too--enticing descriptions of bits of rivers, for instance--but on the +whole they are easy-going fish that come to bank without showing very +much sporting spirit. Here is no manual of precise information, though +even old fishermen may gather a hint or two; nor yet a guide-book to the +trout-streams of two continents; not even a collection of good stories, +though anyone may come across some old friends in it. The author's yarns +indeed are numerous and, on the whole, as an angler's yarns should be, +picturesque. If he does seem to enjoy the rather feeble joke or incident +as much as the other sort, that may be natural in a book of ease, +whether slippered or not. Indeed one half suspects it is as a book for +his own ease that the writer is mainly considering it, yet, taken in the +right spirit and especially if you are an enticer of trout, it may +be for your ease too. Of course, if you are not an angler and if your +spirit is not right, the slipper may not fit. + + * * * + +In the course of a long study of detective fiction I have never met +any sleuths with a gift of loquacity like that of _Messrs. Corson_ and +_Gibbs_, who during the first part of _In the Onyx Lobby_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON) make futile efforts to trace the murderer of _Sir Herbert +Binney_, proprietor of Binney's Buns. _Sir Herbert_ had gone to New York +to persuade his nephew to become the manager of an American branch of +a Binney Bun factory, and, on returning late at night to his +apartment-house, was stabbed to death. Fortunately Miss CAROLYN WELLS +seems to have grown as tired of them as I did, and they give way to one +_Pennington Wise_ (whose name did not prepossess me in his favour) and +his assistant, _Zizi_. This couple have the authentic sleuth-touch, and +their detection of those implicated in the murder is a very ingenious +piece of work. There is so much padding in this book that if _Sir +Herbert_ had worn a tithe of it no stabber could even have scratched +him; but with judicious skipping it will wile away two or three idle +hours. And, as I said, the solution is a really skilful piece of work. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I 'EAR SHE'S 'AD A LEGACY O' TWENTY POUNDS LEFT 'ER." + +"YES, SHE 'AS. BUT ONE GOOD THING ABOUT 'ER IS, 'ER WEALTH AIN'T SPOILT +'ER."] + + * * * * * + +Extract from an account of the unveiling of the portrait of Mr. ----, +M.P.:-- + + "It was a happy idea to unveil the portrait in a darkened room." + + _Local Paper._ + +But after the LEVERHULME-JOHN episode we ought to have been told whose +was the happy idea, the artist's or the sitter's? + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, November 24, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20392.txt or 20392.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/3/9/20392/ + +Produced by gvb, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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