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diff --git a/old/nvlnt10.txt b/old/nvlnt10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..386622a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/nvlnt10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8230 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Novel Notes, by Jerome K. Jerome +#18 in our series by Jerome K. Jerome + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +Novel Notes + +by Jerome K. 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If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association/Carnegie-Mellon + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Carnegie-Mellon University". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk +from the 1893 Leadenhall Press Ltd. edition. + + + + + +NOVEL NOTES + +by Jerome K. Jerome + + + + +PROLOGUE + + + +Years ago, when I was very small, we lived in a great house in a +long, straight, brown-coloured street, in the east end of London. +It was a noisy, crowded street in the daytime; but a silent, +lonesome street at night, when the gas-lights, few and far between, +partook of the character of lighthouses rather than of illuminants, +and the tramp, tramp of the policeman on his long beat seemed to be +ever drawing nearer, or fading away, except for brief moments when +the footsteps ceased, as he paused to rattle a door or window, or to +flash his lantern into some dark passage leading down towards the +river. + +The house had many advantages, so my father would explain to friends +who expressed surprise at his choosing such a residence, and among +these was included in my own small morbid mind the circumstance that +its back windows commanded an uninterrupted view of an ancient and +much-peopled churchyard. Often of a night would I steal from +between the sheets, and climbing upon the high oak chest that stood +before my bedroom window, sit peering down fearfully upon the aged +gray tombstones far below, wondering whether the shadows that crept +among them might not be ghosts--soiled ghosts that had lost their +natural whiteness by long exposure to the city's smoke, and had +grown dingy, like the snow that sometimes lay there. + +I persuaded myself that they were ghosts, and came, at length, to +have quite a friendly feeling for them. I wondered what they +thought when they saw the fading letters of their own names upon the +stones, whether they remembered themselves and wished they were +alive again, or whether they were happier as they were. But that +seemed a still sadder idea. + +One night, as I sat there watching, I felt a hand upon my shoulder. +I was not frightened, because it was a soft, gentle hand that I well +knew, so I merely laid my cheek against it. + +"What's mumma's naughty boy doing out of bed? Shall I beat him?" +And the other hand was laid against my other cheek, and I could feel +the soft curls mingling with my own. + +"Only looking at the ghosts, ma," I answered. "There's such a lot +of 'em down there." Then I added, musingly, "I wonder what it feels +like to be a ghost." + +My mother said nothing, but took me up in her arms, and carried me +back to bed, and then, sitting down beside me, and holding my hand +in hers--there was not so very much difference in the size--began to +sing in that low, caressing voice of hers that always made me feel, +for the time being, that I wanted to be a good boy, a song she often +used to sing to me, and that I have never heard any one else sing +since, and should not care to. + +But while she sang, something fell on my hand that caused me to sit +up and insist on examining her eyes. She laughed; rather a strange, +broken little laugh, I thought, and said it was nothing, and told me +to lie still and go to sleep. So I wriggled down again and shut my +eyes tight, but I could not understand what had made her cry. + +Poor little mother, she had a notion, founded evidently upon inborn +belief rather than upon observation, that all children were angels, +and that, in consequence, an altogether exceptional demand existed +for them in a certain other place, where there are more openings for +angels, rendering their retention in this world difficult and +undependable. My talk about ghosts must have made that foolishly +fond heart ache with a vague dread that night, and for many a night +onward, I fear. + +For some time after this I would often look up to find my mother's +eyes fixed upon me. Especially closely did she watch me at feeding +times, and on these occasions, as the meal progressed, her face +would acquire an expression of satisfaction and relief. + +Once, during dinner, I heard her whisper to my father (for children +are not quite so deaf as their elders think), "He seems to eat all +right." + +"Eat!" replied my father in the same penetrating undertone; "if he +dies of anything, it will be of eating." + +So my little mother grew less troubled, and, as the days went by, +saw reason to think that my brother angels might consent to do +without me for yet a while longer; and I, putting away the child +with his ghostly fancies, became, in course of time, a grown-up +person, and ceased to believe in ghosts, together with many other +things that, perhaps, it were better for a man if he did believe in. + +But the memory of that dingy graveyard, and of the shadows that +dwelt therein, came back to me very vividly the other day, for it +seemed to me as though I were a ghost myself, gliding through the +silent streets where once I had passed swiftly, full of life. + +Diving into a long unopened drawer, I had, by chance, drawn forth a +dusty volume of manuscript, labelled upon its torn brown paper +cover, NOVEL NOTES. The scent of dead days clung to its dogs'-eared +pages; and, as it lay open before me, my memory wandered back to the +summer evenings--not so very long ago, perhaps, if one but adds up +the years, but a long, long while ago if one measures Time by +feeling--when four friends had sat together making it, who would +never sit together any more. With each crumpled leaf I turned, the +uncomfortable conviction that I was only a ghost, grew stronger. +The handwriting was my own, but the words were the words of a +stranger, so that as I read I wondered to myself, saying: did I +ever think this? did I really hope that? did I plan to do this? did +I resolve to be such? does life, then, look so to the eyes of a +young man? not knowing whether to smile or sigh. + +The book was a compilation, half diary, half memoranda. In it lay +the record of many musings, of many talks, and out of it--selecting +what seemed suitable, adding, altering, and arranging--I have shaped +the chapters that hereafter follow. + +That I have a right to do so I have fully satisfied my own +conscience, an exceptionally fussy one. Of the four joint authors, +he whom I call "MacShaughnassy" has laid aside his title to all +things beyond six feet of sun-scorched ground in the African veldt; +while from him I have designated "Brown" I have borrowed but little, +and that little I may fairly claim to have made my own by reason of +the artistic merit with which I have embellished it. Indeed, in +thus taking a few of his bald ideas and shaping them into readable +form, am I not doing him a kindness, and thereby returning good for +evil? For has he not, slipping from the high ambition of his youth, +sunk ever downward step by step, until he has become a critic, and, +therefore, my natural enemy? Does he not, in the columns of a +certain journal of large pretension but small circulation, call me +"'Arry" (without an "H," the satirical rogue), and is not his +contempt for the English-speaking people based chiefly upon the fact +that some of them read my books? But in the days of Bloomsbury +lodgings and first-night pits we thought each other clever. + +From "Jephson" I hold a letter, dated from a station deep in the +heart of the Queensland bush. "Do what you like with it, dear boy," +the letter runs, "so long as you keep me out of it. Thanks for your +complimentary regrets, but I cannot share them. I was never fitted +for a literary career. Lucky for me, I found it out in time. Some +poor devils don't. (I'm not getting at you, old man. We read all +your stuff, and like it very much. Time hangs a bit heavy, you +know, here, in the winter, and we are glad of almost anything.) +This life suits me better. I love to feel my horse between my +thighs, and the sun upon my skin. And there are the youngsters +growing up about us, and the hands to look after, and the stock. I +daresay it seems a very commonplace unintellectual life to you, but +it satisfies my nature more than the writing of books could ever do. +Besides, there are too many authors as it is. The world is so busy +reading and writing, it has no time left for thinking. You'll tell +me, of course, that books are thought, but that is only the jargon +of the Press. You come out here, old man, and sit as I do sometimes +for days and nights together alone with the dumb cattle on an +upheaved island of earth, as it were, jutting out into the deep sky, +and you will know that they are not. What a man thinks--really +thinks--goes down into him and grows in silence. What a man writes +in books are the thoughts that he wishes to be thought to think." + + +Poor Jephson! he promised so well at one time. But he always had +strange notions. + + + +CHAPTER I + + + +When, on returning home one evening, after a pipe party at my friend +Jephson's, I informed my wife that I was going to write a novel, she +expressed herself as pleased with the idea. She said she had often +wondered I had never thought of doing so before. "Look," she added, +"how silly all the novels are nowadays; I'm sure you could write +one." (Ethelbertha intended to be complimentary, I am convinced; +but there is a looseness about her mode of expression which, at +times, renders her meaning obscure.) + +When, however, I told her that my friend Jephson was going to +collaborate with me, she remarked, "Oh," in a doubtful tone; and +when I further went on to explain to her that Selkirk Brown and +Derrick MacShaughnassy were also going to assist, she replied, "Oh," +in a tone which contained no trace of doubtfulness whatever, and +from which it was clear that her interest in the matter, as a +practical scheme, had entirely evaporated. + +I fancy that the fact of my three collaborators being all bachelors +diminished somewhat our chances of success, in Ethelbertha's mind. +Against bachelors, as a class, she entertains a strong prejudice. A +man's not having sense enough to want to marry, or, having that, not +having wit enough to do it, argues to her thinking either weakness +of intellect or natural depravity, the former rendering its victim +unable, and the latter unfit, ever to become a really useful +novelist. + +I tried to make her understand the peculiar advantages our plan +possessed. + +"You see," I explained, "in the usual common-place novel we only +get, as a matter of fact, one person's ideas. Now, in this novel, +there will be four clever men all working together. The public will +thus be enabled to obtain the thoughts and opinions of the whole +four of us, at the price usually asked for merely one author's +views. If the British reader knows his own business, he will order +this book early, to avoid disappointment. Such an opportunity may +not occur again for years." + +Ethelbertha agreed that this was probable. + +"Besides," I continued, my enthusiasm waxing stronger the more I +reflected upon the matter, "this work is going to be a genuine +bargain in another way also. We are not going to put our mere +everyday ideas into it. We are going to crowd into this one novel +all the wit and wisdom that the whole four of us possess, if the +book will hold it. We shall not write another novel after this one. +Indeed, we shall not be able to; we shall have nothing more to +write. This work will partake of the nature of an intellectual +clearance sale. We are going to put into this novel simply all we +know." + +Ethelbertha shut her lips, and said something inside; and then +remarked aloud that she supposed it would be a one volume affair. + +I felt hurt at the implied sneer. I pointed out to her that there +already existed a numerous body of specially-trained men employed to +do nothing else but make disagreeable observations upon authors and +their works--a duty that, so far as I could judge, they seemed +capable of performing without any amateur assistance whatever. And +I hinted that, by his own fireside, a literary man looked to breathe +a more sympathetic atmosphere. + +Ethelbertha replied that of course I knew what she meant. She said +that she was not thinking of me, and that Jephson was, no doubt, +sensible enough (Jephson is engaged), but she did not see the object +of bringing half the parish into it. (Nobody suggested bringing +"half the parish" into it. Ethelbertha will talk so wildly.) To +suppose that Brown and MacShaughnassy could be of any use whatever, +she considered absurd. What could a couple of raw bachelors know +about life and human nature? As regarded MacShaughnassy in +particular, she was of opinion that if we only wanted out of him all +that HE knew, and could keep him to the subject, we ought to be able +to get that into about a page. + +My wife's present estimate of MacShaughnassy's knowledge is the +result of reaction. The first time she ever saw him, she and he got +on wonderfully well together; and when I returned to the drawing- +room, after seeing him down to the gate, her first words were, "What +a wonderful man that Mr. MacShaughnassy is. He seems to know so +much about everything." + +That describes MacShaughnassy exactly. He does seem to know a +tremendous lot. He is possessed of more information than any man I +ever came across. Occasionally, it is correct information; but, +speaking broadly, it is remarkable for its marvellous unreliability. +Where he gets it from is a secret that nobody has ever yet been able +to fathom. + +Ethelbertha was very young when we started housekeeping. (Our first +butcher very nearly lost her custom, I remember, once and for ever +by calling her "Missie," and giving her a message to take back to +her mother. She arrived home in tears. She said that perhaps she +wasn't fit to be anybody's wife, but she did not see why she should +be told so by the tradespeople.) She was naturally somewhat +inexperienced in domestic affairs, and, feeling this keenly, was +grateful to any one who would give her useful hints and advice. +When MacShaughnassy came along he seemed, in her eyes, a sort of +glorified Mrs. Beeton. He knew everything wanted to be known inside +a house, from the scientific method of peeling a potato to the cure +of spasms in cats, and Ethelbertha would sit at his feet, +figuratively speaking, and gain enough information in one evening to +make the house unlivable in for a month. + +He told her how fires ought to be laid. He said that the way fires +were usually laid in this country was contrary to all the laws of +nature, and he showed her how the thing was done in Crim Tartary, or +some such place, where the science of laying fires is alone properly +understood. He proved to her that an immense saving in time and +labour, to say nothing of coals, could be effected by the adoption +of the Crim Tartary system; and he taught it to her then and there, +and she went straight downstairs and explained it to the girl. + +Amenda, our then "general," was an extremely stolid young person, +and, in some respects, a model servant. She never argued. She +never seemed to have any notions of her own whatever. She accepted +our ideas without comment, and carried them out with such pedantic +precision and such evident absence of all feeling of responsibility +concerning the result as to surround our home legislation with quite +a military atmosphere. + +On the present occasion she stood quietly by while the +MacShaughnassy method of fire-laying was expounded to her. When +Ethelbertha had finished she simply said:- + +"You want me to lay the fires like that?" + +"Yes, Amenda, we'll always have the fires laid like that in future, +if you please." + +"All right, mum," replied Amenda, with perfect unconcern, and there +the matter ended, for that evening. + +On coming downstairs the next morning we found the breakfast table +spread very nicely, but there was no breakfast. We waited. Ten +minutes went by--a quarter of an hour--twenty minutes. Then +Ethelbertha rang the bell. In response Amenda presented herself, +calm and respectful. + +"Do you know that the proper time for breakfast is half-past eight, +Amenda?" + +"Yes'm." + +"And do you know that it's now nearly nine?" + +"Yes'm." + +"Well, isn't breakfast ready?" + +"No, mum." + +"Will it EVER be ready?" + +"Well, mum," replied Amenda, in a tone of genial frankness, "to tell +you the truth, I don't think it ever will." + +"What's the reason? Won't the fire light?" + +"Oh yes, it lights all right." + +"Well, then, why can't you cook the breakfast?" + +"Because before you can turn yourself round it goes out again." + +Amenda never volunteered statements. She answered the question put +to her and then stopped dead. I called downstairs to her on one +occasion, before I understood her peculiarities, to ask her if she +knew the time. She replied, "Yes, sir," and disappeared into the +back kitchen. At the end of thirty seconds or so, I called down +again. "I asked you, Amenda," I said reproachfully, "to tell me the +time about ten minutes ago." + +"Oh, did you?" she called back pleasantly. "I beg your pardon. I +thought you asked me if I knew it--it's half-past four." + +Ethelbertha inquired--to return to our fire--if she had tried +lighting it again. + +"Oh yes, mum," answered the girl. "I've tried four times." Then +she added cheerfully, "I'll try again if you like, mum." + +Amenda was the most willing servant we ever paid wages to. + +Ethelbertha said she would step down and light the fire herself, and +told Amenda to follow her and watch how she did it. I felt +interested in the experiment, and followed also. Ethelbertha tucked +up her frock and set to work. Amenda and I stood around and looked +on. + +At the end of half an hour Ethelbertha retired from the contest, +hot, dirty, and a trifle irritable. The fireplace retained the same +cold, cynical expression with which it had greeted our entrance. + +Then I tried. I honestly tried my best. I was eager and anxious to +succeed. For one reason, I wanted my breakfast. For another, I +wanted to be able to say that I had done this thing. It seemed to +me that for any human being to light a fire, laid as that fire was +laid, would be a feat to be proud of. To light a fire even under +ordinary circumstances is not too easy a task: to do so, +handicapped by MacShaughnassy's rules, would, I felt, be an +achievement pleasant to look back upon. My idea, had I succeeded, +would have been to go round the neighbourhood and brag about it. + +However, I did not succeed. I lit various other things, including +the kitchen carpet and the cat, who would come sniffing about, but +the materials within the stove appeared to be fire-proof. + +Ethelbertha and I sat down, one each side of our cheerless hearth, +and looked at one another, and thought of MacShaughnassy, until +Amenda chimed in on our despair with one of those practical +suggestions of hers that she occasionally threw out for us to accept +or not, as we chose. + +"Maybe," said she, "I'd better light it in the old way just for to- +day." + +"Do, Amenda," said Ethelbertha, rising. And then she added, "I +think we'll always have them lighted in the old way, Amenda, if you +please." + +Another time he showed us how to make coffee--according to the +Arabian method. Arabia must be a very untidy country if they made +coffee often over there. He dirtied two saucepans, three jugs, one +tablecloth, one nutmeg-grater, one hearthrug, three cups, and +himself. This made coffee for two--what would have been necessary +in the case of a party, one dares not think. + +That we did not like the coffee when made, MacShaughnassy attributed +to our debased taste--the result of long indulgence in an inferior +article. He drank both cups himself, and afterwards went home in a +cab. + +He had an aunt in those days, I remember, a mysterious old lady, who +lived in some secluded retreat from where she wrought incalculable +mischief upon MacShaughnassy's friends. What he did not know--the +one or two things that he was NOT an authority upon--this aunt of +his knew. "No," he would say with engaging candour--"no, that is a +thing I cannot advise you about myself. But," he would add, "I'll +tell you what I'll do. I'll write to my aunt and ask her." And a +day or two afterwards he would call again, bringing his aunt's +advice with him; and, if you were young and inexperienced, or a +natural born fool, you might possibly follow it. + +She sent us a recipe on one occasion, through MacShaughnassy, for +the extermination of blackbeetles. We occupied a very picturesque +old house; but, as with most picturesque old houses, its advantages +were chiefly external. There were many holes and cracks and +crevices within its creaking framework. Frogs, who had lost their +way and taken the wrong turning, would suddenly discover themselves +in the middle of our dining-room, apparently quite as much to their +own surprise and annoyance as to ours. A numerous company of rats +and mice, remarkably fond of physical exercise, had fitted the place +up as a gymnasium for themselves; and our kitchen, after ten +o'clock, was turned into a blackbeetles' club. They came up through +the floor and out through the walls, and gambolled there in their +light-hearted, reckless way till daylight. + +The rats and mice Amenda did not object to. She said she liked to +watch them. But against the blackbeetles she was prejudiced. +Therefore, when my wife informed her that MacShaughnassy's aunt had +given us an infallible recipe for their annihilation, she rejoiced. + +We purchased the materials, manufactured the mixture, and put it +about. The beetles came and ate it. They seemed to like it. They +finished it all up, and were evidently vexed that there was not +more. But they did not die. + +We told these facts to MacShaughnassy. He smiled, a very grim +smile, and said in a low tone, full of meaning, "Let them eat!" + +It appeared that this was one of those slow, insidious poisons. It +did not kill the beetle off immediately, but it undermined his +constitution. Day by day he would sink and droop without being able +to tell what was the matter with himself, until one morning we +should enter the kitchen to find him lying cold and very still. + +So we made more stuff and laid it round each night, and the +blackbeetles from all about the parish swarmed to it. Each night +they came in greater quantities. They fetched up all their friends +and relations. Strange beetles--beetles from other families, with +no claim on us whatever--got to hear about the thing, and came in +hordes, and tried to rob our blackbeetles of it. By the end of a +week we had lured into our kitchen every beetle that wasn't lame for +miles round. + +MacShaughnassy said it was a good thing. We should clear the suburb +at one swoop. The beetles had now been eating this poison steadily +for ten days, and he said that the end could not be far off. I was +glad to hear it, because I was beginning to find this unlimited +hospitality expensive. It was a dear poison that we were giving +them, and they were hearty eaters. + +We went downstairs to see how they were getting on. MacShaughnassy +thought they seemed queer, and was of opinion that they were +breaking up. Speaking for myself, I can only say that a healthier- +looking lot of beetles I never wish to see. + +One, it is true, did die that very evening. He was detected in the +act of trying to make off with an unfairly large portion of the +poison, and three or four of the others set upon him savagely and +killed him. + +But he was the only one, so far as I could ever discover, to whom +MacShaughnassy's recipe proved fatal. As for the others, they grew +fat and sleek upon it. Some of them, indeed, began to acquire quite +a figure. We lessened their numbers eventually by the help of some +common oil-shop stuff. But such vast numbers, attracted by +MacShaughnassy's poison, had settled in the house, that to finally +exterminate them now was hopeless. + +I have not heard of MacShaughnassy's aunt lately. Possibly, one of +MacShaughnassy's bosom friends has found out her address and has +gone down and murdered her. If so, I should like to thank him. + +I tried a little while ago to cure MacShaughnassy of his fatal +passion for advice-giving, by repeating to him a very sad story that +was told to me by a gentleman I met in an American railway car. I +was travelling from Buffalo to New York, and, during the day, it +suddenly occurred to me that I might make the journey more +interesting by leaving the cars at Albany and completing the +distance by water. But I did not know how the boats ran, and I had +no guide-book with me. I glanced about for some one to question. A +mild-looking, elderly gentleman sat by the next window reading a +book, the cover of which was familiar to me. I deemed him to be +intelligent, and approached him. + +"I beg your pardon for interrupting you," I said, sitting down +opposite to him, "but could you give me any information about the +boats between Albany and New York?" + +"Well," he answered, looking up with a pleasant smile, "there are +three lines of boats altogether. There is the Heggarty line, but +they only go as far as Catskill. Then there are the Poughkeepsie +boats, which go every other day. Or there is what we call the canal +boat." + +"Oh," I said. "Well now, which would you advise me to--" + +He jumped to his feet with a cry, and stood glaring down at me with +a gleam in his eyes which was positively murderous. + +"You villain!" he hissed in low tones of concentrated fury, "so +that's your game, is it? I'll give you something that you'll want +advice about," and he whipped out a six-chambered revolver. + +I felt hurt. I also felt that if the interview were prolonged I +might feel even more hurt. So I left him without a word, and +drifted over to the other end of the car, where I took up a position +between a stout lady and the door. + +I was still musing upon the incident, when, looking up, I observed +my elderly friend making towards me. I rose and laid my hand upon +the door-knob. He should not find me unprepared. He smiled, +reassuringly, however, and held out his hand. + +"I've been thinking," he said, "that maybe I was a little rude just +now. I should like, if you will let me, to explain. I think, when +you have heard my story, you will understand, and forgive me." + +There was that about him which made me trust him. We found a quiet +corner in the smoking-car. I had a "whiskey sour," and he +prescribed for himself a strange thing of his own invention. Then +we lighted our cigars, and he talked. + +"Thirty years ago," said he, "I was a young man with a healthy +belief in myself, and a desire to do good to others. I did not +imagine myself a genius. I did not even consider myself +exceptionally brilliant or talented. But it did seem to me, and the +more I noted the doings of my fellow-men and women, the more assured +did I become of it, that I possessed plain, practical common sense +to an unusual and remarkable degree. Conscious of this, I wrote a +little book, which I entitled How to be Happy, Wealthy, and Wise, +and published it at my own expense. I did not seek for profit. I +merely wished to be useful. + +The book did not make the stir that I had anticipated. Some two or +three hundred copies went off, and then the sale practically ceased. + +I confess that at first I was disappointed. But after a while, I +reflected that, if people would not take my advice, it was more +their loss than mine, and I dismissed the matter from my mind. + +One morning, about a twelvemonth afterwards, I was sitting in my +study, when the servant entered to say that there was a man +downstairs who wanted very much to see me. + +"I gave instructions that he should be sent up, and up accordingly +he came. + +"He was a common man, but he had an open, intelligent countenance, +and his manner was most respectful. I motioned him to be seated. +He selected a chair, and sat down on the extreme edge of it. + +"'I hope you'll pard'n this intrusion, sir,' he began, speaking +deliberately, and twirling his hat the while; 'but I've come more'n +two hundred miles to see you, sir.' + +"I expressed myself as pleased, and he continued: 'They tell me, +sir, as you're the gentleman as wrote that little book, How to be +Happy, Wealthy, and Wise." + +He enumerated the three items slowly, dwelling lovingly on each. I +admitted the fact. + +"'Ah, that's a wonderful book, sir,' he went on. 'I ain't one of +them as has got brains of their own--not to speak of--but I know +enough to know them as has; and when I read that little book, I says +to myself, Josiah Hackett (that's my name, sir), when you're in +doubt don't you get addling that thick head o' yours, as will only +tell you all wrong; you go to the gentleman as wrote that little +book and ask him for his advice. He is a kind-hearted gentleman, as +any one can tell, and he'll give it you; and WHEN you've got it, you +go straight ahead, full steam, and don't you stop for nothing, +'cause he'll know what's best for you, same as he knows what's best +for everybody. That's what I says, sir; and that's what I'm here +for.' + +"He paused, and wiped his brow with a green cotton handkerchief. I +prayed him to proceed. + +"It appeared that the worthy fellow wanted to marry, but could not +make up his mind WHOM he wanted to marry. He had his eye--so he +expressed it--upon two young women, and they, he had reason to +believe, regarded him in return with more than usual favour. His +difficulty was to decide which of the two--both of them excellent +and deserving young persons--would make him the best wife. The one, +Juliana, the only daughter of a retired sea-captain, he described as +a winsome lassie. The other, Hannah, was an older and altogether +more womanly girl. She was the eldest of a large family. Her +father, he said, was a God-fearing man, and was doing well in the +timber trade. He asked me which of them I should advise him to +marry. + +"I was flattered. What man in my position would not have been? +This Josiah Hackett had come from afar to hear my wisdom. He was +willing--nay, anxious--to entrust his whole life's happiness to my +discretion. That he was wise in so doing, I entertained no doubt. +The choice of a wife I had always held to be a matter needing a +calm, unbiassed judgment, such as no lover could possibly bring to +bear upon the subject. In such a case, I should not have hesitated +to offer advice to the wisest of men. To this poor, simple-minded +fellow, I felt it would be cruel to refuse it. + +"He handed me photographs of both the young persons under +consideration. I jotted down on the back of each such particulars +as I deemed would assist me in estimating their respective fitness +for the vacancy in question, and promised to carefully consider the +problem, and write him in a day or two. + +"His gratitude was touching. 'Don't you trouble to write no +letters, sir,' he said; 'you just stick down "Julia" or "Hannah" on +a bit of paper, and put it in an envelope. I shall know what it +means, and that's the one as I shall marry.' + +"Then he gripped me by the hand and left me. + +"I gave a good deal of thought to the selection of Josiah's wife. I +wanted him to be happy. + +"Juliana was certainly very pretty. There was a lurking playfulness +about the corners of Juliana's mouth which conjured up the sound of +rippling laughter. Had I acted on impulse, I should have clasped +Juliana in Josiah's arms. + +"But, I reflected, more sterling qualities than mere playfulness and +prettiness are needed for a wife. Hannah, though not so charming, +clearly possessed both energy and sense--qualities highly necessary +to a poor man's wife. Hannah's father was a pious man, and was +'doing well'--a thrifty, saving man, no doubt. He would have +instilled into her lessons of economy and virtue; and, later on, she +might possibly come in for a little something. She was the eldest +of a large family. She was sure to have had to help her mother a +good deal. She would be experienced in household matters, and would +understand the bringing up of children. + +"Julia's father, on the other hand, was a retired sea-captain. +Seafaring folk are generally loose sort of fish. He had probably +been in the habit of going about the house, using language and +expressing views, the hearing of which could not but have exercised +an injurious effect upon the formation of a growing girl's +character. Juliana was his only child. Only children generally +make bad men and women. They are allowed to have their own way too +much. The pretty daughter of a retired sea-captain would be certain +to be spoilt. + +"Josiah, I had also to remember, was a man evidently of weak +character. He would need management. Now, there was something +about Hannah's eye that eminently suggested management. + +"At the end of two days my mind was made up. I wrote 'Hannah' on a +slip of paper, and posted it. + +"A fortnight afterwards I received a letter from Josiah. He thanked +me for my advice, but added, incidentally, that he wished I could +have made it Julia. However, he said, he felt sure I knew best, and +by the time I received the letter he and Hannah would be one. + +"That letter worried me. I began to wonder if, after all, I had +chosen the right girl. Suppose Hannah was not all I thought her! +What a terrible thing it would be for Josiah. What data, sufficient +to reason upon, had I possessed? How did I know that Hannah was not +a lazy, ill-tempered girl, a continual thorn in the side of her +poor, overworked mother, and a perpetual blister to her younger +brothers and sisters? How did I know she had been well brought up? +Her father might be a precious old fraud: most seemingly pious men +are. She may have learned from him only hypocrisy. + +"Then also, how did I know that Juliana's merry childishness would +not ripen into sweet, cheerful womanliness? Her father, for all I +knew to the contrary, might be the model of what a retired sea- +captain should be; with possibly a snug little sum safely invested +somewhere. And Juliana was his only child. What reason had I for +rejecting this fair young creature's love for Josiah? + +"I took her photo from my desk. I seemed to detect a reproachful +look in the big eyes. I saw before me the scene in the little far- +away home when the first tidings of Josiah's marriage fell like a +cruel stone into the hitherto placid waters of her life. I saw her +kneeling by her father's chair, while the white-haired, bronzed old +man gently stroked the golden head, shaking with silent sobs against +his breast. My remorse was almost more than I could bear. + +"I put her aside and took up Hannah--my chosen one. She seemed to +be regarding me with a smile of heartless triumph. There began to +take possession of me a feeling of positive dislike to Hannah. + +"I fought against the feeling. I told myself it was prejudice. But +the more I reasoned against it the stronger it became. I could tell +that, as the days went by, it would grow from dislike to loathing, +from loathing to hate. And this was the woman I had deliberately +selected as a life companion for Josiah! + +"For weeks I knew no peace of mind. Every letter that arrived I +dreaded to open, fearing it might be from Josiah. At every knock I +started up, and looked about for a hiding-place. Every time I came +across the heading, 'Domestic Tragedy,' in the newspapers, I broke +into a cold perspiration. I expected to read that Josiah and Hannah +had murdered each other, and died cursing me. + +"As the time went by, however, and I heard nothing, my fears began +to assuage, and my belief in my own intuitive good judgment to +return. Maybe, I had done a good thing for Josiah and Hannah, and +they were blessing me. Three years passed peacefully away, and I +was beginning to forget the existence of the Hacketts. + +"Then he came again. I returned home from business one evening to +find him waiting for me in the hall. The moment I saw him I knew +that my worst fears had fallen short of the truth. I motioned him +to follow me to my study. He did so, and seated himself in the +identical chair on which he had sat three years ago. The change in +him was remarkable; he looked old and careworn. His manner was that +of resigned hopelessness. + +"We remained for a while without speaking, he twirling his hat as at +our first interview, I making a show of arranging papers on my desk. +At length, feeling that anything would be more bearable than this +silence, I turned to him. + +"'Things have not been going well with you, I'm afraid, Josiah?' I +said. + +"'No, sir,' he replied quietly; 'I can't say as they have, +altogether. That Hannah of yours has turned out a bit of a teaser.' + +"There was no touch of reproach in his tones. He simply stated a +melancholy fact. + +"'But she is a good wife to you in other ways,' I urged. 'She has +her faults, of course. We all have. But she is energetic. Come +now, you will admit she's energetic.' + +"I owed it to myself to find some good in Hannah, and this was the +only thing I could think of at that moment. + +"'Oh yes, she's that,' he assented. 'A little too much so for our +sized house, I sometimes think.' + +"'You see,' he went on, 'she's a bit cornery in her temper, Hannah +is; and then her mother's a bit trying, at times.' + +"'Her mother!' I exclaimed, 'but what's SHE got to do with you?' + +"'Well, you see, sir,' he answered, 'she's living with us now--ever +since the old man went off.' + +"'Hannah's father! Is he dead, then?' + +"'Well, not exactly, sir,' he replied. 'He ran off about a +twelvemonth ago with one of the young women who used to teach in the +Sunday School, and joined the Mormons. It came as a great surprise +to every one.' + +"I groaned. 'And his business,' I inquired--'the timber business, +who carries that on?' + +"'Oh, that!' answered Josiah. 'Oh, that had to be sold to pay his +debts--leastways, to go towards 'em.' + +"I remarked what a terrible thing it was for his family. I supposed +the home was broken up, and they were all scattered. + +"'No, sir,' he replied simply, 'they ain't scattered much. They're +all living with us.' + +"'But there,' he continued, seeing the look upon my face; 'of +course, all this has nothing to do with you sir. You've got +troubles of your own, I daresay, sir. I didn't come here to worry +you with mine. That would be a poor return for all your kindness to +me.' + +"'What has become of Julia?' I asked. I did not feel I wanted to +question him any more about his own affairs. + +"A smile broke the settled melancholy of his features. 'Ah,' he +said, in a more cheerful tone than he had hitherto employed, 'it +does one good to think about HER, it does. She's married to a +friend of mine now, young Sam Jessop. I slips out and gives 'em a +call now and then, when Hannah ain't round. Lord, it's like getting +a glimpse of heaven to look into their little home. He often chaffs +me about it, Sam does. "Well, you WAS a sawny-headed chunk, Josiah, +YOU was," he often says to me. We're old chums, you know, sir, Sam +and me, so he don't mind joking a bit like.' + +"Then the smile died away, and he added with a sigh, 'Yes, I've +often thought since, sir, how jolly it would have been if you could +have seen your way to making it Juliana.' + +"I felt I must get him back to Hannah at any cost. I said, 'I +suppose you and your wife are still living in the old place?' + +"'Yes,' he replied, 'if you can call it living. It's a hard +struggle with so many of us.' + +"He said he did not know how he should have managed if it had not +been for the help of Julia's father. He said the captain had +behaved more like an angel than anything else he knew of. + +"'I don't say as he's one of your clever sort, you know, sir,' he +explained. 'Not the man as one would go to for advice, like one +would to you, sir; but he's a good sort for all that.' + +"'And that reminds me, sir,' he went on, 'of what I've come here +about. You'll think it very bold of me to ask, sir, but--' + +"I interrupted him. 'Josiah,' I said, 'I admit that I am much to +blame for what has come upon you. You asked me for my advice, and I +gave it you. Which of us was the bigger idiot, we will not discuss. +The point is that I did give it, and I am not a man to shirk my +responsibilities. What, in reason, you ask, and I can grant, I will +give you.' + +"He was overcome with gratitude. 'I knew it, sir,' he said. 'I +knew you would not refuse me. I said so to Hannah. I said, "I will +go to that gentleman and ask him. I will go to him and ask him for +his advice.'" + +"I said, 'His what?' + +"'His advice,' repeated Josiah, apparently surprised at my tone, 'on +a little matter as I can't quite make up my mind about.' + +"I thought at first he was trying to be sarcastic, but he wasn't. +That man sat there, and wrestled with me for my advice as to whether +he should invest a thousand dollars which Julia's father had offered +to lend him, in the purchase of a laundry business or a bar. He +hadn't had enough of it (my advice, I mean); he wanted it again, and +he spun me reasons why I should give it him. The choice of a wife +was a different thing altogether, he argued. Perhaps he ought NOT +to have asked me for my opinion as to that. But advice as to which +of two trades a man would do best to select, surely any business man +could give. He said he had just been reading again my little book, +How to be Happy, etc., and if the gentleman who wrote that could not +decide between the respective merits of one particular laundry and +one particular bar, both situate in the same city, well, then, all +he had got to say was that knowledge and wisdom were clearly of no +practical use in this world whatever. + +"Well, it did seem a simple thing to advise a man about. Surely as +to a matter of this kind, I, a professed business man, must be able +to form a sounder judgment than this poor pumpkin-headed lamb. It +would be heartless to refuse to help him. I promised to look into +the matter, and let him know what I thought. + +"He rose and shook me by the hand. He said he would not try to +thank me; words would only seem weak. He dashed away a tear and +went out. + +I brought an amount of thought to bear upon this thousand-dollar +investment sufficient to have floated a bank. I did not mean to +make another Hannah job, if I could help it. I studied the papers +Josiah had left with me, but did not attempt to form any opinion +from them. I went down quietly to Josiah's city, and inspected both +businesses on the spot. I instituted secret but searching inquiries +in the neighbourhood. I disguised myself as a simple-minded young +man who had come into a little money, and wormed myself into the +confidence of the servants. I interviewed half the town upon the +pretence that I was writing the commercial history of New England, +and should like some particulars of their career, and I invariably +ended my examination by asking them which was their favourite bar, +and where they got their washing done. I stayed a fortnight in the +town. Most of my spare time I spent at the bar. In my leisure +moments I dirtied my clothes so that they might be washed at the +laundry. + +"As the result of my investigations I discovered that, so far as the +two businesses themselves were concerned, there was not a pin to +choose between them. It became merely a question of which +particular trade would best suit the Hacketts. + +"I reflected. The keeper of a bar was exposed to much temptation. +A weak-minded man, mingling continually in the company of topers, +might possibly end by giving way to drink. Now, Josiah was an +exceptionally weak-minded man. It had also to be borne in mind that +he had a shrewish wife, and that her whole family had come to live +with him. Clearly, to place Josiah in a position of easy access to +unlimited liquor would be madness. + +"About a laundry, on the other hand, there was something soothing. +The working of a laundry needed many hands. Hannah's relatives +might be used up in a laundry, and made to earn their own living. +Hannah might expend her energy in flat-ironing, and Josiah could +turn the mangle. The idea conjured up quite a pleasant domestic +picture. I recommended the laundry. + +"On the following Monday, Josiah wrote to say that he had bought the +laundry. On Tuesday I read in the Commercial Intelligence that one +of the most remarkable features of the time was the marvellous rise +taking place all over New England in the value of hotel and bar +property. On Thursday, in the list of failures, I came across no +less than four laundry proprietors; and the paper added, in +explanation, that the American washing industry, owing to the rapid +growth of Chinese competition, was practically on its last legs. I +went out and got drunk. + +"My life became a curse to me. All day long I thought of Josiah. +All night I dreamed of him. Suppose that, not content with being +the cause of his domestic misery, I had now deprived him of the +means of earning a livelihood, and had rendered useless the +generosity of that good old sea-captain. I began to appear to +myself as a malignant fiend, ever following this simple but worthy +man to work evil upon him. + +"Time passed away, however; I heard nothing from or of him, and my +burden at last fell from me. + +"Then at the end of about five years he came again. + +"He came behind me as I was opening the door with my latch-key, and +laid an unsteady hand upon my arm. It was a dark night, but a gas- +lamp showed me his face. I recognised it in spite of the red +blotches and the bleary film that hid the eyes. I caught him +roughly by the arm, and hurried him inside and up into my study. + +"'Sit down,' I hissed, 'and tell me the worst first.' + +"He was about to select his favourite chair. I felt that if I saw +him and that particular chair in association for the third time, I +should do something terrible to both. I snatched it away from him, +and he sat down heavily on the floor, and burst into tears. I let +him remain there, and, thickly, between hiccoughs, he told his tale. + +"The laundry had gone from bad to worse. A new railway had come to +the town, altering its whole topography. The business and +residential portion had gradually shifted northward. The spot where +the bar--the particular one which I had rejected for the laundry-- +had formerly stood was now the commercial centre of the city. The +man who had purchased it in place of Josiah had sold out and made a +fortune. The southern area (where the laundry was situate) was, it +had been discovered, built upon a swamp, and was in a highly +unsanitary condition. Careful housewives naturally objected to +sending their washing into such a neighbourhood. + +"Other troubles had also come. The baby--Josiah's pet, the one +bright thing in his life--had fallen into the copper and been +boiled. Hannah's mother had been crushed in the mangle, and was now +a helpless cripple, who had to be waited on day and night. + +"Under these accumulated misfortunes Josiah had sought consolation +in drink, and had become a hopeless sot. He felt his degradation +keenly, and wept copiously. He said he thought that in a cheerful +place, such as a bar, he might have been strong and brave; but that +there was something about the everlasting smell of damp clothes and +suds, that seemed to sap his manhood. + +"I asked him what the captain had said to it all. He burst into +fresh tears, and replied that the captain was no more. That, he +added, reminded him of what he had come about. The good-hearted old +fellow had bequeathed him five thousand dollars. He wanted my +advice as to how to invest it. + +"My first impulse was to kill him on the spot. I wish now that I +had. I restrained myself, however, and offered him the alternative +of being thrown from the window or of leaving by the door without +another word. + +"He answered that he was quite prepared to go by the window if I +would first tell him whether to put his money in the Terra del Fuego +Nitrate Company, Limited, or in the Union Pacific Bank. Life had no +further interest for him. All he cared for was to feel that this +little nest-egg was safely laid by for the benefit of his beloved +ones after he was gone. + +"He pressed me to tell him what I thought of nitrates. I replied +that I declined to say anything whatever on the subject. He assumed +from my answer that I did not think much of nitrates, and announced +his intention of investing the money, in consequence, in the Union +Pacific Bank. + +"I told him by all means to do so, if he liked. + +"He paused, and seemed to be puzzling it out. Then he smiled +knowingly, and said he thought he understood what I meant. It was +very kind of me. He should put every dollar he possessed in the +Terra del Fuego Nitrate Company. + +"He rose (with difficulty) to go. I stopped him. I knew, as +certainly as I knew the sun would rise the next morning, that +whichever company I advised him, or he persisted in thinking I had +advised him (which was the same thing), to invest in, would, sooner +or later, come to smash. My grandmother had all her little fortune +in the Terra del Fuego Nitrate Company. I could not see her brought +to penury in her old age. As for Josiah, it could make no +difference to him whatever. He would lose his money in any event. +I advised him to invest in Union Pacific Bank Shares. He went and +did it. + +"The Union Pacific Bank held out for eighteen months. Then it began +to totter. The financial world stood bewildered. It had always +been reckoned one of the safest banks in the country. People asked +what could be the cause. I knew well enough, but I did not tell. + +"The Bank made a gallant fight, but the hand of fate was upon it. +At the end of another nine months the crash came. + +"(Nitrates, it need hardly be said, had all this time been going up +by leaps and bounds. My grandmother died worth a million dollars, +and left the whole of it to a charity. Had she known how I had +saved her from ruin, she might have been more grateful.) + +"A few days after the failure of the Bank, Josiah arrived on my +doorstep; and, this time, he brought his families with him. There +were sixteen of them in all. + +"What was I to do? I had brought these people step by step to the +verge of starvation. I had laid waste alike their happiness and +their prospects in life. The least amends I could make was to see +that at all events they did not want for the necessities of +existence. + +"That was seventeen years ago. I am still seeing that they do not +want for the necessities of existence; and my conscience is growing +easier by noticing that they seem contented with their lot. There +are twenty-two of them now, and we have hopes of another in the +spring. + +"That is my story," he said. "Perhaps you will now understand my +sudden emotion when you asked for my advice. As a matter of fact, I +do not give advice now on any subject." + + +I told this tale to MacShaughnassy. He agreed with me that it was +instructive, and said he should remember it. He said he should +remember it so as to tell it to some fellows that he knew, to whom +he thought the lesson should prove useful. + + + +CHAPTER II + + + +I can't honestly say that we made much progress at our first +meeting. It was Brown's fault. He would begin by telling us a +story about a dog. It was the old, old story of the dog who had +been in the habit of going every morning to a certain baker's shop +with a penny in his mouth, in exchange for which he always received +a penny bun. One day, the baker, thinking he would not know the +difference, tried to palm off upon the poor animal a ha'penny bun, +whereupon the dog walked straight outside and fetched in a +policeman. Brown had heard this chestnut for the first time that +afternoon, and was full of it. It is always a mystery to me where +Brown has been for the last hundred years. He stops you in the +street with, "Oh, I must tell you!--such a capital story!" And he +thereupon proceeds to relate to you, with much spirit and gusto, one +of Noah's best known jokes, or some story that Romulus must have +originally told to Remus. One of these days somebody will tell him +the history of Adam and Eve, and he will think he has got hold of a +new plot, and will work it up into a novel. + +He gives forth these hoary antiquities as personal reminiscences of +his own, or, at furthest, as episodes in the life of his second +cousin. There are certain strange and moving catastrophes that +would seem either to have occurred to, or to have been witnessed by, +nearly every one you meet. I never came across a man yet who had +not seen some other man jerked off the top of an omnibus into a mud- +cart. Half London must, at one time or another, have been jerked +off omnibuses into mud-carts, and have been fished out at the end of +a shovel. + +Then there is the tale of the lady whose husband is taken suddenly +ill one night at an hotel. She rushes downstairs, and prepares a +stiff mustard plaster to put on him, and runs up with it again. In +her excitement, however, she charges into the wrong room, and, +rolling down the bedclothes, presses it lovingly upon the wrong man. +I have heard that story so often that I am quite nervous about going +to bed in an hotel now. Each man who has told it me has invariably +slept in the room next door to that of the victim, and has been +awakened by the man's yell as the plaster came down upon him. That +is how he (the story-teller) came to know all about it. + +Brown wanted us to believe that this prehistoric animal he had been +telling us about had belonged to his brother-in-law, and was hurt +when Jephson murmured, sotto voce, that that made the twenty-eighth +man he had met whose brother-in-law had owned that dog--to say +nothing of the hundred and seventeen who had owned it themselves. + +We tried to get to work afterwards, but Brown had unsettled us for +the evening. It is a wicked thing to start dog stories among a +party of average sinful men. Let one man tell a dog story, and +every other man in the room feels he wants to tell a bigger one. + +There is a story going--I cannot vouch for its truth, it was told me +by a judge--of a man who lay dying. The pastor of the parish, a +good and pious man, came to sit with him, and, thinking to cheer him +up, told him an anecdote about a dog. When the pastor had finished, +the sick man sat up, and said, "I know a better story than that. I +had a dog once, a big, brown, lop-sided--" + +The effort had proved too much for his strength. He fell back upon +the pillows, and the doctor, stepping forward, saw that it was a +question only of minutes. + +The good old pastor rose, and took the poor fellow's hand in his, +and pressed it. "We shall meet again," he gently said. + +The sick man turned towards him with a consoled and grateful look. + +"I'm glad to hear you say that," he feebly murmured. "Remind me +about that dog." + +Then he passed peacefully away, with a sweet smile upon his pale +lips. + +Brown, who had had his dog story and was satisfied, wanted us to +settle our heroine; but the rest of us did not feel equal to +settling anybody just then. We were thinking of all the true dog +stories we had ever heard, and wondering which was the one least +likely to be generally disbelieved. + +MacShaughnassy, in particular, was growing every moment more +restless and moody. Brown concluded a long discourse--to which +nobody had listened--by remarking with some pride, "What more can +you want? The plot has never been used before, and the characters +are entirely original!" + +Then MacShaughnassy gave way. "Talking of plots," he said, hitching +his chair a little nearer the table, "that puts me in mind. Did I +ever tell you about that dog we had when we lived in Norwood?" + +"It's not that one about the bull-dog, is it?" queried Jephson +anxiously. + +"Well, it was a bull-dog," admitted MacShaughnassy, "but I don't +think I've ever told it you before." + +We knew, by experience, that to argue the matter would only prolong +the torture, so we let him go on. + +"A great many burglaries had lately taken place in our +neighbourhood," he began, "and the pater came to the conclusion that +it was time he laid down a dog. He thought a bull-dog would be the +best for his purpose, and he purchased the most savage and +murderous-looking specimen that he could find. + +"My mother was alarmed when she saw the dog. 'Surely you're not +going to let that brute loose about the house!' she exclaimed. +'He'll kill somebody. I can see it in his face.' + +"'I want him to kill somebody,' replied my father; 'I want him to +kill burglars.' + +"'I don't like to hear you talk like that, Thomas,' answered the +mater; 'it's not like you. We've a right to protect our property, +but we've no right to take a fellow human creature's life.' + +"'Our fellow human creatures will be all right--so long as they +don't come into our kitchen when they've no business there,' +retorted my father, somewhat testily. 'I'm going to fix up this dog +in the scullery, and if a burglar comes fooling around--well, that's +HIS affair.' + +"The old folks quarrelled on and off for about a month over this +dog. The dad thought the mater absurdly sentimental, and the mater +thought the dad unnecessarily vindictive. Meanwhile the dog grew +more ferocious-looking every day. + +"One night my mother woke my father up with: 'Thomas, there's a +burglar downstairs, I'm positive. I distinctly heard the kitchen +door open.' + +"'Oh, well, the dog's got him by now, then,' murmured my father, who +had heard nothing, and was sleepy. + +"'Thomas,' replied my mother severely, 'I'm not going to lie here +while a fellow-creature is being murdered by a savage beast. If you +won't go down and save that man's life, I will.' + +"'Oh, bother,' said my father, preparing to get up. 'You're always +fancying you hear noises. I believe that's all you women come to +bed for--to sit up and listen for burglars.' Just to satisfy her, +however, he pulled on his trousers and socks, and went down. + +"Well, sure enough, my mother was right, this time. There WAS a +burglar in the house. The pantry window stood open, and a light was +shining in the kitchen. My father crept softly forward, and peeped +through the partly open door. There sat the burglar, eating cold +beef and pickles, and there, beside him, on the floor, gazing up +into his face with a blood-curdling smile of affection, sat that +idiot of a dog, wagging his tail. + +"My father was so taken aback that he forgot to keep silent. + +"'Well, I'm--,' and he used a word that I should not care to repeat +to you fellows. + +"The burglar, hearing him, made a dash, and got clear off by the +window; and the dog seemed vexed with my father for having driven +him away. + +"Next morning we took the dog back to the trainer from whom we had +bought it. + +"'What do you think I wanted this dog for?' asked my father, trying +to speak calmly. + +"'Well,' replied the trainer, 'you said you wanted a good house +dog.' + +"'Exactly so,' answered the dad. 'I didn't ask for a burglar's +companion, did I? I didn't say I wanted a dog who'd chum on with a +burglar the first time he ever came to the house, and sit with him +while he had supper, in case he might feel lonesome, did I?' And my +father recounted the incidents of the previous night. + +"The man agreed that there was cause for complaint. 'I'll tell you +what it is, sir,' he said. 'It was my boy Jim as trained this 'ere +dawg, and I guess the young beggar's taught 'im more about tackling +rats than burglars. You leave 'im with me for a week, sir; I'll put +that all right.' + +"We did so, and at the end of the time the trainer brought him back +again. + +"'You'll find 'im game enough now, sir,' said the man. ''E ain't +what I call an intellectual dawg, but I think I've knocked the right +idea into 'im.' + +"My father thought he'd like to test the matter, so we hired a man +for a shilling to break in through the kitchen window while the +trainer held the dog by a chain. The dog remained perfectly quiet +until the man was fairly inside. Then he made one savage spring at +him, and if the chain had not been stout the fellow would have +earned his shilling dearly. + +"The dad was satisfied now that he could go to bed in peace; and the +mater's alarm for the safety of the local burglars was +proportionately increased. + +"Months passed uneventfully by, and then another burglar sampled our +house. This time there could be no doubt that the dog was doing +something for his living. The din in the basement was terrific. +The house shook with the concussion of falling bodies. + +"My father snatched up his revolver and rushed downstairs, and I +followed him. The kitchen was in confusion. Tables and chairs were +overturned, and on the floor lay a man gurgling for help. The dog +was standing over him, choking him. + +"The pater held his revolver to the man's ear, while I, by +superhuman effort, dragged our preserver away, and chained him up to +the sink, after which I lit the gas. + +"Then we perceived that the gentleman on the floor was a police +constable. + +"'Good heavens!' exclaimed my father, dropping the revolver, +'however did you come here?' + +"''Ow did I come 'ere?' retorted the man, sitting up and speaking in +a tone of bitter, but not unnatural, indignation. 'Why, in the +course of my dooty, that's 'ow I come 'ere. I see a burglar getting +in through the window, so I just follows and slips in after 'im.' + +"'Did you catch him?' asked my father. + +"'Did I catch 'im!' almost shrieked the man. "Ow could I catch 'im +with that blasted dog of yours 'olding me down by the throat, while +'e lights 'is pipe and walks out by the back door?' + +"The dog was for sale the next day. The mater, who had grown to +like him, because he let the baby pull his tail, wanted us to keep +him. The mistake, she said, was not the animal's fault. Two men +broke into the house almost at the same time. The dog could not go +for both of them. He did his best, and went for one. That his +selection should have fallen upon the policeman instead of upon the +burglar was unfortunate. But still it was a thing that might have +happened to any dog. + +"My father, however, had become prejudiced against the poor +creature, and that same week he inserted an advertisement in The +Field, in which the animal was recommended as an investment likely +to prove useful to any enterprising member of the criminal classes." + +MacShaughnassy having had his innings, Jephson took a turn, and told +us a pathetic story about an unfortunate mongrel that was run over +in the Strand one day and its leg broken. A medical student, who +was passing at the time, picked it up and carried it to the Charing +Cross Hospital, where its leg was set, and where it was kept and +tended until it was quite itself again, when it was sent home. + +The poor thing had quite understood what was being done for it, and +had been the most grateful patient they had ever had in the +hospital. The whole staff were quite sorry when it left. + +One morning, a week or two later, the house-surgeon, looking out of +the window, saw the dog coming down the street. When it came near +he noticed that it had a penny in its mouth. A cat's-meat barrow +was standing by the kerb, and for a moment, as he passed it, the dog +hesitated. + +But his nobler nature asserted itself, and, walking straight up to +the hospital railings, and raising himself upon his hind legs, he +dropped his penny into the contribution box. + +MacShaughnassy was much affected by this story. He said it showed +such a beautiful trait in the dog's character. The animal was a +poor outcast, vagrant thing, that had perhaps never possessed a +penny before in all its life, and might never have another. He said +that dog's penny seemed to him to be a greater gift than the biggest +cheque that the wealthiest patron ever signed. + +The other three were very eager now to get to work on the novel, but +I did not quite see the fairness of this. I had one or two dog +stories of my own. + +I knew a black-and-tan terrier years ago. He lodged in the same +house with me. He did not belong to any one. He had discharged his +owner (if, indeed, he had ever permitted himself to possess one, +which is doubtful, having regard to his aggressively independent +character), and was now running himself entirely on his own account. +He appropriated the front hall for his sleeping-apartment, and took +his meals with the other lodgers--whenever they happened to be +having meals. + +At five o'clock he would take an early morning snack with young +Hollis, an engineer's pupil, who had to get up at half-past four and +make his own coffee, so as to be down at the works by six. At +eight-thirty he would breakfast in a more sensible fashion with Mr. +Blair, on the first floor, and on occasions would join Jack Gadbut, +who was a late riser, in a devilled kidney at eleven. + +From then till about five, when I generally had a cup of tea and a +chop, he regularly disappeared. Where he went and what he did +between those hours nobody ever knew. Gadbut swore that twice he +had met him coming out of a stockbroker's office in Threadneedle +Street, and, improbable though the statement at first appeared, some +colour of credibility began to attach to it when we reflected upon +the dog's inordinate passion for acquiring and hoarding coppers. + +This craving of his for wealth was really quite remarkable. He was +an elderly dog, with a great sense of his own dignity; yet, on the +promise of a penny, I have seen him run round after his own tail +until he didn't know one end of himself from the other. + +He used to teach himself tricks, and go from room to room in the +evening, performing them, and when he had completed his programme he +would sit up and beg. All the fellows used to humour him. He must +have made pounds in the course of the year. + +Once, just outside our door, I saw him standing in a crowd, watching +a performing poodle attached to a hurdy-gurdy. The poodle stood on +his head, and then, with his hind legs in the air, walked round on +his front paws. The people laughed very much, and, when afterwards +he came amongst them with his wooden saucer in his mouth, they gave +freely. + +Our dog came in and immediately commenced to study. In three days +HE could stand on his head and walk round on his front legs, and the +first evening he did so he made sixpence. It must have been +terribly hard work for him at his age, and subject to rheumatism as +he was; but he would do anything for money. I believe he would have +sold himself to the devil for eightpence down. + +He knew the value of money. If you held out to him a penny in one +hand and a threepenny-bit in the other, he would snatch at the +threepence, and then break his heart because he could not get the +penny in as well. You might safely have left him in the room with a +leg of mutton, but it would not have been wise to leave your purse +about. + +Now and then he spent a little, but not often. He was desperately +fond of sponge-cakes, and occasionally, when he had had a good week, +he would indulge himself to the extent of one or two. But he hated +paying for them, and always made a frantic and frequently successful +effort to get off with the cake and the penny also. His plan of +operations was simple. He would walk into the shop with his penny +in his mouth, well displayed, and a sweet and lamblike expression in +his eyes. Taking his stand as near to the cakes as he could get, +and fixing his eyes affectionately upon them, he would begin to +whine, and the shopkeeper, thinking he was dealing with an honest +dog, would throw him one. + +To get the cake he was obliged, of course, to drop the penny, and +then began a struggle between him and the shopkeeper for the +possession of the coin. The man would try to pick it up. The dog +would put his foot upon it, and growl savagely. If he could finish +the cake before the contest was over, he would snap up the penny and +bolt. I have known him to come home gorged with sponge-cakes, the +original penny still in his mouth. + +So notorious throughout the neighbourhood did this dishonest +practice of his become, that, after a time, the majority of the +local tradespeople refused to serve him at all. Only the +exceptionally quick and able-bodied would attempt to do business +with him. + +Then he took his custom further afield, into districts where his +reputation had not yet penetrated. And he would pick out shops kept +by nervous females or rheumatic old men. + +They say that the love of money is the root of all evil. It seemed +to have robbed him of every shred of principle. + +It robbed him of his life in the end, and that came about in this +way. He had been performing one evening in Gadbut's room, where a +few of us were sitting smoking and talking; and young Hollis, being +in a generous mood, had thrown him, as he thought, a sixpence. The +dog grabbed it, and retired under the sofa. This was an odd thing +for him to do, and we commented upon it. Suddenly a thought +occurred to Hollis, and he took out his money and began counting it. + +"By Jove," he exclaimed, "I've given that little beast half-a- +sovereign--here, Tiny!" + +But Tiny only backed further underneath the sofa, and no mere verbal +invitation would induce him to stir. So we adopted a more pressing +plan, and coaxed him out by the scruff of his neck. + +He came, an inch at a time, growling viciously, and holding Hollis's +half-sovereign tight between his teeth. We tried sweet +reasonableness at first. We offered him a sixpence in exchange; he +looked insulted, and evidently considered the proposal as tantamount +to our calling him a fool. We made it a shilling, then half-a- +crown--he seemed only bored by our persistence. + +"I don't think you'll ever see this half-sovereign again, Hollis," +said Gadbut, laughing. We all, with the exception of young Hollis, +thought the affair a very good joke. He, on the contrary, seemed +annoyed, and, taking the dog from Gadbut, made an attempt to pull +the coin out of its mouth. + +Tiny, true to his life-long principle of never parting if he could +possibly help it, held on like grim death, until, feeling that his +little earnings were slowly but surely going from him, he made one +final desperate snatch, and swallowed the money. It stuck in his +throat, and he began to choke. + +Then we became seriously alarmed for the dog. He was an amusing +chap, and we did not want any accident to happen to him. Hollis +rushed into his room and procured a long pair of pincers, and the +rest of us held the little miser while Hollis tried to relieve him +of the cause of his suffering. + +But poor Tiny did not understand our intentions. He still thought +we were seeking to rob him of his night's takings, and resisted +vehemently. His struggles fixed the coin firmer, and, in spite of +our efforts, he died--one more victim, among many, to the fierce +fever for gold. + + +I dreamt a very curious dream about riches once, that made a great +impression upon me. I thought that I and a friend--a very dear +friend--were living together in a strange old house. I don't think +anybody else dwelt in the house but just we two. One day, wandering +about this strange old rambling place, I discovered the hidden door +of a secret room, and in this room were many iron-bound chests, and +when I raised the heavy lids I saw that each chest was full of gold. + +And, when I saw this, I stole out softly and closed the hidden door, +and drew the worn tapestries in front of it again, and crept back +along the dim corridor, looking behind me, fearfully. + +And the friend that I had loved came towards me, and we walked +together with our hands clasped. But I hated him. + +And all day long I kept beside him, or followed him unseen, lest by +chance he should learn the secret of that hidden door; and at night +I lay awake watching him. + +But one night I sleep, and, when I open my eyes, he is no longer +near me. I run swiftly up the narrow stairs and along the silent +corridor. The tapestry is drawn aside, and the hidden door stands +open, and in the room beyond the friend that I loved is kneeling +before an open chest, and the glint of the gold is in my eyes. + +His back is towards me, and I crawl forward inch by inch. I have a +knife in my hand, with a strong, curved blade; and when I am near +enough I kill him as he kneels there. + +His body falls against the door, and it shuts to with a clang, and I +try to open it, and cannot. I beat my hands against its iron nails, +and scream, and the dead man grins at me. The light streams in +through the chink beneath the massive door, and fades, and comes +again, and fades again, and I gnaw at the oaken lids of the iron- +bound chests, for the madness of hunger is climbing into my brain. + +Then I awake, and find that I really am hungry, and remember that in +consequence of a headache I did not eat any dinner. So I slip on a +few clothes, and go down to the kitchen on a foraging expedition. + +It is said that dreams are momentary conglomerations of thought, +centring round the incident that awakens us, and, as with most +scientific facts, this is occasionally true. There is one dream +that, with slight variations, is continually recurring to me. Over +and over again I dream that I am suddenly called upon to act an +important part in some piece at the Lyceum. That poor Mr. Irving +should invariably be the victim seems unfair, but really it is +entirely his own fault. It is he who persuades and urges me. I +myself would much prefer to remain quietly in bed, and I tell him +so. But he insists on my getting up at once and coming down to the +theatre. I explain to him that I can't act a bit. He seems to +consider this unimportant, and says, "Oh, that will be all right." +We argue for a while, but he makes the matter quite a personal one, +and to oblige him and get him out of the bedroom I consent, though +much against my own judgment. I generally dress the character in my +nightshirt, though on one occasion, for Banquo, I wore pyjamas, and +I never remember a single word of what I ought to say. How I get +through I do not know. Irving comes up afterwards and congratulates +me, but whether upon the brilliancy of my performance, or upon my +luck in getting off the stage before a brickbat is thrown at me, I +cannot say. + +Whenever I dream this incident I invariably wake up to find that the +bedclothes are on the floor, and that I am shivering with cold; and +it is this shivering, I suppose, that causes me to dream I am +wandering about the Lyceum stage in nothing but my nightshirt. But +still I do not understand why it should always be the Lyceum. + +Another dream which I fancy I have dreamt more than once--or, if +not, I have dreamt that I dreamt it before, a thing one sometimes +does--is one in which I am walking down a very wide and very long +road in the East End of London. It is a curious road to find there. +Omnibuses and trams pass up and down, and it is crowded with stalls +and barrows, beside which men in greasy caps stand shouting; yet on +each side it is bordered by a strip of tropical forest. The road, +in fact, combines the advantages of Kew and Whitechapel. + +Some one is with me, but I cannot see him, and we walk through the +forest, pushing our way among the tangled vines that cling about our +feet, and every now and then, between the giant tree-trunks, we +catch glimpses of the noisy street. + +At the end of this road there is a narrow turning, and when I come +to it I am afraid, though I do not know why I am afraid. It leads +to a house that I once lived in when a child, and now there is some +one waiting there who has something to tell me. + +I turn to run away. A Blackwall 'bus is passing, and I try to +overtake it. But the horses turn into skeletons and gallop away +from me, and my feet are like lead, and the thing that is with me, +and that I cannot see, seizes me by the arm and drags me back. + +It forces me along, and into the house, and the door slams to behind +us, and the sound echoes through the lifeless rooms. I recognise +the rooms; I laughed and cried in them long ago. Nothing is +changed. The chairs stand in their places, empty. My mother's +knitting lies upon the hearthrug, where the kitten, I remember, +dragged it, somewhere back in the sixties. + +I go up into my own little attic. My cot stands in the corner, and +my bricks lie tumbled out upon the floor (I was always an untidy +child). An old man enters--an old, bent, withered man--holding a +lamp above his head, and I look at his face, and it is my own face. +And another enters, and he also is myself. Then more and more, till +the room is thronged with faces, and the stair-way beyond, and all +the silent house. Some of the faces are old and others young, and +some are fair and smile at me, and many are foul and leer at me. +And every face is my own face, but no two of them are alike. + +I do not know why the sight of myself should alarm me so, but I rush +from the house in terror, and the faces follow me; and I run faster +and faster, but I know that I shall never leave them behind me. + + +As a rule one is the hero of one's own dreams, but at times I have +dreamt a dream entirely in the third person--a dream with the +incidents of which I have had no connection whatever, except as an +unseen and impotent spectator. One of these I have often thought +about since, wondering if it could not be worked up into a story. +But, perhaps, it would be too painful a theme. + +I dreamt I saw a woman's face among a throng. It is an evil face, +but there is a strange beauty in it. The flickering gleams thrown +by street lamps flash down upon it, showing the wonder of its evil +fairness. Then the lights go out. + +I see it next in a place that is very far away, and it is even more +beautiful than before, for the evil has gone out of it. Another +face is looking down into it, a bright, pure face. The faces meet +and kiss, and, as his lips touch hers, the blood mounts to her +cheeks and brow. I see the two faces again. But I cannot tell +where they are or how long a time has passed. The man's face has +grown a little older, but it is still young and fair, and when the +woman's eyes rest upon it there comes a glory into her face so that +it is like the face of an angel. But at times the woman is alone, +and then I see the old evil look struggling back. + +Then I see clearer. I see the room in which they live. It is very +poor. An old-fashioned piano stands in one corner, and beside it is +a table on which lie scattered a tumbled mass of papers round an +ink-stand. An empty chair waits before the table. The woman sits +by the open window. + +From far below there rises the sound of a great city. Its lights +throw up faint beams into the dark room. The smell of its streets +is in the woman's nostrils. + +Every now and again she looks towards the door and listens: then +turns to the open window. And I notice that each time she looks +towards the door the evil in her face shrinks back; but each time +she turns to the window it grows more fierce and sullen. + +Suddenly she starts up, and there is a terror in her eyes that +frightens me as I dream, and I see great beads of sweat upon her +brow. Then, very slowly, her face changes, and I see again the evil +creature of the night. She wraps around her an old cloak, and +creeps out. I hear her footsteps going down the stairs. They grow +fainter and fainter. I hear a door open. The roar of the streets +rushes up into the house, and the woman's footsteps are swallowed +up. + +Time drifts onward through my dream. Scenes change, take shape, and +fade; but all is vague and undefined, until, out of the dimness, +there fashions itself a long, deserted street. The lights make +glistening circles on the wet pavement. A figure, dressed in gaudy +rags, slinks by, keeping close against the wall. Its back is +towards me, and I do not see its face. Another figure glides from +out the shadows. I look upon its face, and I see it is the face +that the woman's eyes gazed up into and worshipped long ago, when my +dream was just begun. But the fairness and the purity are gone from +it, and it is old and evil, as the woman's when I looked upon her +last. The figure in the gaudy rags moves slowly on. The second +figure follows it, and overtakes it. The two pause, and speak to +one another as they draw near. The street is very dark where they +have met, and the figure in the gaudy rags keeps its face still +turned aside. They walk together in silence, till they come to +where a flaring gas-lamp hangs before a tavern; and there the woman +turns, and I see that it is the woman of my dream. And she and the +man look into each other's eyes once more. + + +In another dream that I remember, an angel (or a devil, I am not +quite sure which) has come to a man and told him that so long as he +loves no living human thing--so long as he never suffers himself to +feel one touch of tenderness towards wife or child, towards kith or +kin, towards stranger or towards friend, so long will he succeed and +prosper in his dealings--so long will all this world's affairs go +well with him; and he will grow each day richer and greater and more +powerful. But if ever he let one kindly thought for living thing +come into his heart, in that moment all his plans and schemes will +topple down about his ears; and from that hour his name will be +despised by men, and then forgotten. + +And the man treasures up these words, for he is an ambitious man, +and wealth and fame and power are the sweetest things in all the +world to him. A woman loves him and dies, thirsting for a loving +look from him; children's footsteps creep into his life and steal +away again, old faces fade and new ones come and go. + +But never a kindly touch of his hand rests on any living thing; +never a kindly word comes from his lips; never a kindly thought +springs from his heart. And in all his doings fortune favours him. + +The years pass by, and at last there is left to him only one thing +that he need fear--a child's small, wistful face. The child loves +him, as the woman, long ago, had loved him, and her eyes follow him +with a hungry, beseeching look. But he sets his teeth, and turns +away from her. + +The little face grows thin, and one day they come to him where he +sits before the keyboard of his many enterprises, and tell him she +is dying. He comes and stands beside the bed, and the child's eyes +open and turn towards him; and, as he draws nearer, her little arms +stretch out towards him, pleading dumbly. But the man's face never +changes, and the little arms fall feebly back upon the tumbled +coverlet, and the wistful eyes grow still, and a woman steps softly +forward, and draws the lids down over them; then the man goes back +to his plans and schemes. + +But in the night, when the great house is silent, he steals up to +the room where the child still lies, and pushes back the white, +uneven sheet. + +"Dead--dead," he mutters. Then he takes the tiny corpse up in his +arms, and holds it tight against his breast, and kisses the cold +lips, and the cold cheeks, and the little, cold, stiff hands. + +And at that point my story becomes impossible, for I dream that the +dead child lies always beneath the sheet in that quiet room, and +that the little face never changes, nor the limbs decay. + +I puzzle about this for an instant, but soon forget to wonder; for +when the Dream Fairy tells us tales we are only as little children, +sitting round with open eyes, believing all, though marvelling that +such things should be. + +Each night, when all else in the house sleeps, the door of that room +opens noiselessly, and the man enters and closes it behind him. +Each night he draws away the white sheet, and takes the small dead +body in his arms; and through the dark hours he paces softly to and +fro, holding it close against his breast, kissing it and crooning to +it, like a mother to her sleeping baby. + +When the first ray of dawn peeps into the room, he lays the dead +child back again, and smooths the sheet above her, and steals away. + +And he succeeds and prospers in all things, and each day he grows +richer and greater and more powerful. + + + +CHAPTER III + + + +We had much trouble with our heroine. Brown wanted her ugly. +Brown's chief ambition in life is to be original, and his method of +obtaining the original is to take the unoriginal and turn it upside +down. + +If Brown were given a little planet of his own to do as he liked +with, he would call day, night, and summer, winter. He would make +all his men and women walk on their heads and shake hands with their +feet, his trees would grow with their roots in the air, and the old +cock would lay all the eggs while the hens sat on the fence and +crowed. Then he would step back and say, "See what an original +world I have created, entirely my own idea!" + +There are many other people besides Brown whose notion of +originality would seem to be precisely similar. + +I know a little girl, the descendant of a long line of politicians. +The hereditary instinct is so strongly developed in her that she is +almost incapable of thinking for herself. Instead, she copies in +everything her elder sister, who takes more after the mother. If +her sister has two helpings of rice pudding for supper, then she has +two helpings of rice pudding. If her sister isn't hungry and +doesn't want any supper at all, then she goes to bed without any +supper. + +This lack of character in the child troubles her mother, who is not +an admirer of the political virtues, and one evening, taking the +little one on her lap, she talked seriously to her. + +"Do try to think for yourself," said she. "Don't always do just +what Jessie does, that's silly. Have an idea of your own now and +then. Be a little original." + +The child promised she'd try, and went to bed thoughtful. + +Next morning, for breakfast, a dish of kippers and a dish of kidneys +were placed on the table, side by side. Now the child loved kippers +with an affection that amounted almost to passion, while she loathed +kidneys worse than powders. It was the one subject on which she did +know her own mind. + +"A kidney or a kipper for you, Jessie?" asked the mother, addressing +the elder child first. + +Jessie hesitated for a moment, while her sister sat regarding her in +an agony of suspense. + +"Kipper, please, ma," Jessie answered at last, and the younger child +turned her head away to hide the tears. + +"You'll have a kipper, of course, Trixy?" said the mother, who had +noticed nothing. + +"No, thank you, ma," said the small heroine, stifling a sob, and +speaking in a dry, tremulous voice, "I'll have a kidney." + +"But I thought you couldn't bear kidneys," exclaimed her mother, +surprised. + +"No, ma, I don't like 'em much." + +"And you're so fond of kippers!" + +"Yes, ma." + +"Well, then, why on earth don't you have one?" + +"'Cos Jessie's going to have one, and you told me to be original," +and here the poor mite, reflecting upon the price her originality +was going to cost her, burst into tears. + + +The other three of us refused to sacrifice ourselves upon the altar +of Brown's originality. We decided to be content with the customary +beautiful girl. + +"Good or bad?" queried Brown. + +"Bad," responded MacShaughnassy emphatically. "What do you say, +Jephson?" + +"Well," replied Jephson, taking the pipe from between his lips, and +speaking in that soothingly melancholy tone of voice that he never +varies, whether telling a joke about a wedding or an anecdote +relating to a funeral, "not altogether bad. Bad, with good +instincts, the good instincts well under control." + +"I wonder why it is," murmured MacShaughnassy reflectively, "that +bad people are so much more interesting than good." + +"I don't think the reason is very difficult to find," answered +Jephson. "There's more uncertainty about them. They keep you more +on the alert. It's like the difference between riding a well- +broken, steady-going hack and a lively young colt with ideas of his +own. The one is comfortable to travel on, but the other provides +you with more exercise. If you start off with a thoroughly good +woman for your heroine you give your story away in the first +chapter. Everybody knows precisely how she will behave under every +conceivable combination of circumstances in which you can place her. +On every occasion she will do the same thing--that is the right +thing. + +"With a bad heroine, on the other hand, you can never be quite sure +what is going to happen. Out of the fifty or so courses open to +her, she may take the right one, or she may take one of the forty- +nine wrong ones, and you watch her with curiosity to see which it +will be." + +"But surely there are plenty of good heroines who are interesting," +I said. + +"At intervals--when they do something wrong," answered Jephson. "A +consistently irreproachable heroine is as irritating as Socrates +must have been to Xantippe, or as the model boy at school is to all +the other lads. Take the stock heroine of the eighteenth-century +romance. She never met her lover except for the purpose of telling +him that she could not be his, and she generally wept steadily +throughout the interview. She never forgot to turn pale at the +sight of blood, nor to faint in his arms at the most inconvenient +moment possible. She was determined never to marry without her +father's consent, and was equally resolved never to marry anybody +but the one particular person she was convinced he would never agree +to her marrying. She was an excellent young woman, and nearly as +uninteresting as a celebrity at home." + +"Ah, but you're not talking about good women now," I observed. +"You're talking about some silly person's idea of a good woman." + +"I quite admit it," replied Jephson. "Nor, indeed, am I prepared to +say what is a good woman. I consider the subject too deep and too +complicated for any mere human being to give judgment upon. But I +AM talking of the women who conformed to the popular idea of +maidenly goodness in the age when these books were written. You +must remember goodness is not a known quantity. It varies with +every age and every locality, and it is, generally speaking, your +'silly persons' who are responsible for its varying standards. In +Japan, a 'good' girl would be a girl who would sell her honour in +order to afford little luxuries to her aged parents. In certain +hospitable islands of the torrid zone the 'good' wife goes to +lengths that we should deem altogether unnecessary in making her +husband's guest feel himself at home. In ancient Hebraic days, Jael +was accounted a good woman for murdering a sleeping man, and Sarai +stood in no danger of losing the respect of her little world when +she led Hagar unto Abraham. In eighteenth-century England, +supernatural stupidity and dulness of a degree that must have been +difficult to attain, were held to be feminine virtues--indeed, they +are so still--and authors, who are always among the most servile +followers of public opinion, fashioned their puppets accordingly. +Nowadays 'slumming' is the most applauded virtue, and so all our +best heroines go slumming, and are 'good to the poor.'" + +"How useful 'the poor' are," remarked MacShaughnassy, somewhat +abruptly, placing his feet on the mantelpiece, and tilting his chair +back till it stood at an angle that caused us to rivet our attention +upon it with hopeful interest. "I don't think we scribbling fellows +ever fully grasp how much we owe to 'the poor.' Where would our +angelic heroines and our noble-hearted heroes be if it were not for +'the poor'? We want to show that the dear girl is as good as she is +beautiful. What do we do? We put a basket full of chickens and +bottles of wine on her arm, a fetching little sun-bonnet on her +head, and send her round among the poor. How do we prove that our +apparent scamp of a hero is really a noble young man at heart? Why, +by explaining that he is good to the poor. + +"They are as useful in real life as they are in Bookland. What is +it consoles the tradesman when the actor, earning eighty pounds a +week, cannot pay his debts? Why, reading in the theatrical +newspapers gushing accounts of the dear fellow's invariable +generosity to the poor. What is it stills the small but irritating +voice of conscience when we have successfully accomplished some +extra big feat of swindling? Why, the noble resolve to give ten per +cent of the net profits to the poor. + +"What does a man do when he finds himself growing old, and feels +that it is time for him to think seriously about securing his +position in the next world? Why, he becomes suddenly good to the +poor. If the poor were not there for him to be good to, what could +he do? He would be unable to reform at all. It's a great comfort +to think that the poor will always be with us. They are the ladder +by which we climb into heaven." + +There was silence for a few moments, while MacShaughnassy puffed +away vigorously, and almost savagely, at his pipe, and then Brown +said: "I can tell you rather a quaint incident, bearing very aptly +on the subject. A cousin of mine was a land-agent in a small +country town, and among the houses on his list was a fine old +mansion that had remained vacant for many years. He had despaired +of ever selling it, when one day an elderly lady, very richly +dressed, drove up to the office and made inquiries about it. She +said she had come across it accidentally while travelling through +that part of the country the previous autumn, and had been much +struck by its beauty and picturesqueness. She added she was looking +out for some quiet spot where she could settle down and peacefully +pass the remainder of her days, and thought this place might +possibly prove to be the very thing for her. + +"My cousin, delighted with the chance of a purchaser, at once drove +her across to the estate, which was about eight miles distant from +the town, and they went over it together. My cousin waxed eloquent +upon the subject of its advantages. He dwelt upon its quiet and +seclusion, its proximity--but not too close proximity--to the +church, its convenient distance from the village. + +"Everything pointed to a satisfactory conclusion of the business. +The lady was charmed with the situation and the surroundings, and +delighted with the house and grounds. She considered the price +moderate. + +"'And now, Mr. Brown,' said she, as they stood by the lodge gate, +'tell me, what class of poor have you got round about?' + +"'Poor?' answered my cousin; 'there are no poor.' + +"'No poor!' exclaimed the lady. 'No poor people in the village, or +anywhere near?' + +"'You won't find a poor person within five miles of the estate,' he +replied proudly. 'You see, my dear madam, this is a thinly +populated and exceedingly prosperous county: this particular +district especially so. There is not a family in it that is not, +comparatively speaking, well-to-do.' + +"'I'm sorry to hear that,' said the lady, in a tone of +disappointment. 'The place would have suited me so admirably but +for that.' + +"'But surely, madam,' cried my cousin, to whom a demand for poor +persons was an entirely new idea, 'you don't mean to say that you +WANT poor people! Why, we've always considered it one of the chief +attractions of the property--nothing to shock the eye or wound the +susceptibilities of the most tender-hearted occupant.' + +"'My dear Mr. Brown,' replied the lady, 'I will be perfectly frank +with you. I am becoming an old woman, and my past life has not, +perhaps, been altogether too well spent. It is my desire to atone +for the--er--follies of my youth by an old age of well-doing, and to +that end it is essential that I should be surrounded by a certain +number of deserving poor. I had hoped to find in this charming +neighbourhood of yours the customary proportion of poverty and +misery, in which case I should have taken the house without +hesitation. As it is, I must seek elsewhere.' + +"My cousin was perplexed, and sad. 'There are plenty of poor people +in the town,' he said, 'many of them most interesting cases, and you +could have the entire care of them all. There'd be no opposition +whatever, I'm positive.' + +"'Thank you,' replied the lady, 'but I really couldn't go as far as +the town. They must be within easy driving distance or they are no +good.' + +"My cousin cudgelled his brains again. He did not intend to let a +purchaser slip through his fingers if he could help it. At last a +bright thought flashed into his mind. 'I'll tell you what we could +do,' he said. 'There's a piece of waste land the other end of the +village that we've never been able to do much with, in consequence +of its being so swampy. If you liked, we could run you up a dozen +cottages on that, cheap--it would be all the better their being a +bit ramshackle and unhealthy--and get some poor people for you, and +put into them.' + +"The lady reflected upon the idea, and it struck her as a good one. + +"'You see,' continued my cousin, pushing his advantage, 'by adopting +this method you would be able to select your own poor. We would get +you some nice, clean, grateful poor, and make the thing pleasant for +you.' + +"It ended in the lady's accepting my cousin's offer, and giving him +a list of the poor people she would like to have. She selected one +bedridden old woman (Church of England preferred); one paralytic old +man; one blind girl who would want to be read aloud to; one poor +atheist, willing to be converted; two cripples; one drunken father +who would consent to be talked to seriously; one disagreeable old +fellow, needing much patience; two large families, and four ordinary +assorted couples. + +"My cousin experienced some difficulty in securing the drunken +father. Most of the drunken fathers he interviewed upon the subject +had a rooted objection to being talked to at all. After a long +search, however, he discovered a mild little man, who, upon the +lady's requirements and charitable intentions being explained to +him, undertook to qualify himself for the vacancy by getting +intoxicated at least once a week. He said he could not promise more +than once a week at first, he unfortunately possessing a strong +natural distaste for all alcoholic liquors, which it would be +necessary for him to overcome. As he got more used to them, he +would do better. + +"Over the disagreeable old man, my cousin also had trouble. It was +hard to hit the right degree of disagreeableness. Some of them were +so very unpleasant. He eventually made choice of a decayed cab- +driver with advanced Radical opinions, who insisted on a three +years' contract. + +"The plan worked exceedingly well, and does so, my cousin tells me, +to this day. The drunken father has completely conquered his +dislike to strong drink. He has not been sober now for over three +weeks, and has lately taken to knocking his wife about. The +disagreeable fellow is most conscientious in fulfilling his part of +the bargain, and makes himself a perfect curse to the whole village. +The others have dropped into their respective positions and are +working well. The lady visits them all every afternoon, and is most +charitable. They call her Lady Bountiful, and everybody blesses +her." + +Brown rose as he finished speaking, and mixed himself a glass of +whisky and water with the self-satisfied air of a benevolent man +about to reward somebody for having done a good deed; and +MacShaughnassy lifted up his voice and talked. + +"I know a story bearing on the subject, too," he said. "It happened +in a tiny Yorkshire village--a peaceful, respectable spot, where +folks found life a bit slow. One day, however, a new curate +arrived, and that woke things up considerably. He was a nice young +man, and, having a large private income of his own, was altogether a +most desirable catch. Every unmarried female in the place went for +him with one accord. + +"But ordinary feminine blandishments appeared to have no effect upon +him. He was a seriously inclined young man, and once, in the course +of a casual conversation upon the subject of love, he was heard to +say that he himself should never be attracted by mere beauty and +charm. What would appeal to him, he said, would be a woman's +goodness--her charity and kindliness to the poor. + +"Well, that set the petticoats all thinking. They saw that in +studying fashion plates and practising expressions they had been +going upon the wrong tack. The card for them to play was 'the +poor.' But here a serious difficulty arose. There was only one +poor person in the whole parish, a cantankerous old fellow who lived +in a tumble-down cottage at the back of the church, and fifteen +able-bodied women (eleven girls, three old maids, and a widow) +wanted to be 'good' to him. + +"Miss Simmonds, one of the old maids, got hold of him first, and +commenced feeding him twice a day with beef-tea; and then the widow +boarded him with port wine and oysters. Later in the week others of +the party drifted in upon him, and wanted to cram him with jelly and +chickens. + +The old man couldn't understand it. He was accustomed to a small +sack of coals now and then, accompanied by a long lecture on his +sins, and an occasional bottle of dandelion tea. This sudden spurt +on the part of Providence puzzled him. He said nothing, however, +but continued to take in as much of everything as he could hold. At +the end of a month he was too fat to get through his own back door. + +"The competition among the women-folk grew keener every day, and at +last the old man began to give himself airs, and to make the place +hard for them. He made them clean his cottage out, and cook his +meals, and when he was tired of having them about the house, he set +them to work in the garden. + +"They grumbled a good deal, and there was a talk at one time of a +sort of a strike, but what could they do? He was the only pauper +for miles round, and knew it. He had the monopoly, and, like all +monopolises, he abused his position. + +"He made them run errands. He sent them out to buy his 'baccy,' at +their own expense. On one occasion he sent Miss Simmonds out with a +jug to get his supper beer. She indignantly refused at first, but +he told her that if she gave him any of her stuck-up airs out she +would go, and never come into his house again. If she wouldn't do +it there were plenty of others who would. She knew it and went. + +"They had been in the habit of reading to him--good books with an +elevating tendency. But now he put his foot down upon that sort of +thing. He said he didn't want Sunday-school rubbish at his time of +life. What he liked was something spicy. And he made them read him +French novels and sea-faring tales, containing realistic language. +And they didn't have to skip anything either, or he'd know the +reason why. + +"He said he liked music, so a few of them clubbed together and +bought him a harmonium. Their idea was that they would sing hymns +and play high-class melodies, but it wasn't his. His idea was-- +'Keeping up the old girl's birthday' and 'She winked the other eye,' +with chorus and skirt dance, and that's what they sang. + +"To what lengths his tyranny would have gone it is difficult to say, +had not an event happened that brought his power to a premature +collapse. This was the curate's sudden and somewhat unexpected +marriage with a very beautiful burlesque actress who had lately been +performing in a neighbouring town. He gave up the Church on his +engagement, in consequence of his fiancee's objection to becoming a +minister's wife. She said she could never 'tumble to' the district +visiting. + +"With the curate's wedding the old pauper's brief career of +prosperity ended. They packed him off to the workhouse after that, +and made him break stones." + + +At the end of the telling of his tale, MacShaughnassy lifted his +feet off the mantelpiece, and set to work to wake up his legs; and +Jephson took a hand, and began to spin us stories. + +But none of us felt inclined to laugh at Jephson's stories, for they +dealt not with the goodness of the rich to the poor, which is a +virtue yielding quick and highly satisfactory returns, but with the +goodness of the poor to the poor, a somewhat less remunerative +investment and a different matter altogether. + +For the poor themselves--I do not mean the noisy professional poor, +but the silent, fighting poor--one is bound to feel a genuine +respect. One honours them, as one honours a wounded soldier. + +In the perpetual warfare between Humanity and Nature, the poor stand +always in the van. They die in the ditches, and we march over their +bodies with the flags flying and the drums playing. + +One cannot think of them without an uncomfortable feeling that one +ought to be a little bit ashamed of living in security and ease, +leaving them to take all the hard blows. It is as if one were +always skulking in the tents, while one's comrades were fighting and +dying in the front. + +They bleed and fall in silence there. Nature with her terrible +club, "Survival of the Fittest"; and Civilisation with her cruel +sword, "Supply and Demand," beat them back, and they give way inch +by inch, fighting to the end. But it is in a dumb, sullen way, that +is not sufficiently picturesque to be heroic. + +I remember seeing an old bull-dog, one Saturday night, lying on the +doorstep of a small shop in the New Cut. He lay there very quiet, +and seemed a bit sleepy; and, as he looked savage, nobody disturbed +him. People stepped in and out over him, and occasionally in doing +so, one would accidentally kick him, and then he would breathe a +little harder and quicker. + +At last a passer-by, feeling something wet beneath his feet, looked +down, and found that he was standing in a pool of blood, and, +looking to see where it came from, found that it flowed in a thick, +dark stream from the step on which the dog was lying. + +Then he stooped down and examined the dog, and the dog opened its +eyes sleepily and looked at him, gave a grin which may have implied +pleasure, or may have implied irritation at being disturbed, and +died. + +A crowd collected, and they turned the dead body of the dog over on +its side, and saw a fearful gash in the groin, out of which oozed +blood, and other things. The proprietor of the shop said the animal +had been there for over an hour. + +I have known the poor to die in that same grim, silent way--not the +poor that you, my delicately-gloved Lady Bountiful and my very +excellent Sir Simon DoGood, know, or that you would care to know; +not the poor who march in processions with banners and collection- +boxes; not the poor that clamour round your soup kitchens and sing +hymns at your tea meetings; but the poor that you don't know are +poor until the tale is told at the coroner's inquest--the silent, +proud poor who wake each morning to wrestle with Death till night- +time, and who, when at last he overcomes them, and, forcing them +down on the rotting floor of the dim attic, strangles them, still +die with their teeth tight shut. + +There was a boy I came to know when I was living in the East End of +London. He was not a nice boy by any means. He was not quite so +clean as are the good boys in the religious magazines, and I have +known a sailor to stop him in the street and reprove him for using +indelicate language. + +He and his mother and the baby, a sickly infant of about five months +old, lived in a cellar down a turning off Three Colt Street. I am +not quite sure what had become of the father. I rather think he had +been "converted," and had gone off round the country on a preaching +tour. The lad earned six shillings a week as an errand-boy; and the +mother stitched trousers, and on days when she was feeling strong +and energetic would often make as much as tenpence, or even a +shilling. Unfortunately, there were days when the four bare walls +would chase each other round and round, and the candle seem a faint +speck of light, a very long way off; and the frequency of these +caused the family income for the week to occasionally fall somewhat +low. + +One night the walls danced round quicker and quicker till they +danced away altogether, and the candle shot up through the ceiling +and became a star and the woman knew that it was time to put away +her sewing. + +"Jim," she said: she spoke very low, and the boy had to bend over +her to hear, "if you poke about in the middle of the mattress you'll +find a couple of pounds. I saved them up a long while ago. That +will pay for burying me. And, Jim, you'll take care of the kid. +You won't let it go to the parish." + +Jim promised. + +"Say 'S'welp me Gawd,' Jim." + +"S'welp me Gawd, mother." + +Then the woman, having arranged her worldly affairs, lay back ready, +and Death struck. + +Jim kept his oath. He found the money, and buried his mother; and +then, putting his household goods on a barrow, moved into cheaper +apartments--half an old shed, for which he paid two shillings a +week. + +For eighteen months he and the baby lived there. He left the child +at a nursery every morning, fetching it away each evening on his +return from work, and for that he paid fourpence a day, which +included a limited supply of milk. How he managed to keep himself +and more than half keep the child on the remaining two shillings I +cannot say. I only know that he did it, and that not a soul ever +helped him or knew that there was help wanted. He nursed the child, +often pacing the room with it for hours, washed it, occasionally, +and took it out for an airing every Sunday. + +Notwithstanding all which care, the little beggar, at the end of the +time above mentioned, "pegged out," to use Jimmy's own words. + +The coroner was very severe on Jim. "If you had taken proper +steps," he said, "this child's life might have been preserved." (He +seemed to think it would have been better if the child's life had +been preserved. Coroners have quaint ideas!) "Why didn't you apply +to the relieving officer?" + +"'Cos I didn't want no relief," replied Jim sullenly. "I promised +my mother it should never go on the parish, and it didn't." + +The incident occurred, very luckily, during the dead season, and the +evening papers took the case up, and made rather a good thing out of +it. Jim became quite a hero, I remember. Kind-hearted people +wrote, urging that somebody--the ground landlord, or the Government, +or some one of that sort--ought to do something for him. And +everybody abused the local vestry. I really think some benefit to +Jim might have come out of it all if only the excitement had lasted +a little longer. Unfortunately, however, just at its height a spicy +divorce case cropped up, and Jim was crowded out and forgotten. + +I told the boys this story of mine, after Jephson had done telling +his, and, when I had finished, we found it was nearly one o'clock. +So, of course, it was too late to do any more work to the novel that +evening. + + + +CHAPTER IV + + + +We held our next business meeting on my houseboat. Brown was +opposed at first to my going down to this houseboat at all. He +thought that none of us should leave town while the novel was still +on hand. + +MacShaughnassy, on the contrary, was of opinion that we should work +better on a houseboat. Speaking for himself, he said he never felt +more like writing a really great work than when lying in a hammock +among whispering leaves, with the deep blue sky above him, and a +tumbler of iced claret cup within easy reach of his hand. Failing a +hammock, he found a deck chair a great incentive to mental labour. +In the interests of the novel, he strongly recommended me to take +down with me at least one comfortable deck chair, and plenty of +lemons. + +I could not myself see any reason why we should not be able to think +as well on a houseboat as anywhere else, and accordingly it was +settled that I should go down and establish myself upon the thing, +and that the others should visit me there from time to time, when we +would sit round and toil. + +This houseboat was Ethelbertha's idea. We had spent a day, the +summer before, on one belonging to a friend of mine, and she had +been enraptured with the life. Everything was on such a +delightfully tiny scale. You lived in a tiny little room; you slept +on a tiny little bed, in a tiny, tiny little bedroom; and you cooked +your little dinner by a tiny little fire, in the tiniest little +kitchen that ever you did see. "Oh, it must be lovely, living on a +houseboat," said Ethelbertha, with a gasp of ecstasy; "it must be +like living in a doll's house." + +Ethelbertha was very young--ridiculously young, as I think I have +mentioned before--in those days of which I am writing, and the love +of dolls, and of the gorgeous dresses that dolls wear, and of the +many-windowed but inconveniently arranged houses that dolls inhabit- +-or are supposed to inhabit, for as a rule they seem to prefer +sitting on the roof with their legs dangling down over the front +door, which has always appeared to me to be unladylike: but then, +of course, I am no authority on doll etiquette--had not yet, I +think, quite departed from her. Nay, am I not sure that it had not? +Do I not remember, years later, peeping into a certain room, the +walls of which are covered with works of art of a character +calculated to send any aesthetic person mad, and seeing her, sitting +on the floor, before a red brick mansion, containing two rooms and a +kitchen; and are not her hands trembling with delight as she +arranges the three real tin plates upon the dresser? And does she +not knock at the real brass knocker upon the real front door until +it comes off, and I have to sit down beside her on the floor and +screw it on again? + +Perhaps, however, it is unwise for me to recall these things, and +bring them forward thus in evidence against her, for cannot she in +turn laugh at me? Did not I also assist in the arrangement and +appointment of that house beautiful? We differed on the matter of +the drawing-room carpet, I recollect. Ethelbertha fancied a dark +blue velvet, but I felt sure, taking the wall-paper into +consideration, that some shade of terra-cotta would harmonise best. +She agreed with me in the end, and we manufactured one out of an old +chest protector. It had a really charming effect, and gave a +delightfully warm tone to the room. The blue velvet we put in the +kitchen. I deemed this extravagance, but Ethelbertha said that +servants thought a lot of a good carpet, and that it paid to humour +them in little things, when practicable. + +The bedroom had one big bed and a cot in it; but I could not see +where the girl was going to sleep. The architect had overlooked her +altogether: that is so like an architect. The house also suffered +from the inconvenience common to residences of its class, of +possessing no stairs, so that to move from one room to another it +was necessary to burst your way up through the ceiling, or else to +come outside and climb in through a window; either of which methods +must be fatiguing when you come to do it often. + +Apart from these drawbacks, however, the house was one that any doll +agent would have been justified in describing as a "most desirable +family residence"; and it had been furnished with a lavishness that +bordered on positive ostentation. In the bedroom there was a +washing-stand, and on the washing-stand there stood a jug and basin, +and in the jug there was real water. But all this was as nothing. +I have known mere ordinary, middle-class dolls' houses in which you +might find washing-stands and jugs and basins and real water--ay, +and even soap. But in this abode of luxury there was a real towel; +so that a body could not only wash himself, but wipe himself +afterwards, and that is a sensation that, as all dolls know, can be +enjoyed only in the very first-class establishments. + +Then, in the drawing-room, there was a clock, which would tick just +so long as you continued to shake it (it never seemed to get tired); +also a picture and a piano, and a book upon the table, and a vase of +flowers that would upset the moment you touched it, just like a real +vase of flowers. Oh, there was style about this room, I can tell +you. + +But the glory of the house was its kitchen. There were all things +that heart could desire in this kitchen, saucepans with lids that +took on and off, a flat-iron and a rolling-pin. A dinner service +for three occupied about half the room, and what space was left was +filled up by the stove--a REAL stove! Think of it, oh ye owners of +dolls' houses, a stove in which you could burn real bits of coal, +and on which you could boil real bits of potato for dinner--except +when people said you mustn't, because it was dangerous, and took the +grate away from you, and blew out the fire, a thing that hampers a +cook. + +I never saw a house more complete in all its details. Nothing had +been overlooked, not even the family. It lay on its back, just +outside the front door, proud but calm, waiting to be put into +possession. It was not an extensive family. It consisted of four-- +papa, and mamma, and baby, and the hired girl; just the family for a +beginner. + +It was a well-dressed family too--not merely with grand clothes +outside, covering a shameful condition of things beneath, such as, +alas! is too often the case in doll society, but with every article +necessary and proper to a lady or gentleman, down to items that I +could not mention. And all these garments, you must know, could be +unfastened and taken off. I have known dolls--stylish enough dolls, +to look at, some of them--who have been content to go about with +their clothes gummed on to them, and, in some cases, nailed on with +tacks, which I take to be a slovenly and unhealthy habit. But this +family could be undressed in five minutes, without the aid of either +hot water or a chisel. + +Not that it was advisable from an artistic point of view that any of +them should. They had not the figure that looks well in its natural +state--none of them. There was a want of fulness about them all. +Besides, without their clothes, it might have been difficult to +distinguish the baby from the papa, or the maid from the mistress, +and thus domestic complications might have arisen. + +When all was ready for their reception we established them in their +home. We put as much of the baby to bed as the cot would hold, and +made the papa and mamma comfortable in the drawing-room, where they +sat on the floor and stared thoughtfully at each other across the +table. (They had to sit on the floor because the chairs were not +big enough.) The girl we placed in the kitchen, where she leant +against the dresser in an attitude suggestive of drink, embracing +the broom we had given her with maudlin affection. Then we lifted +up the house with care, and carried it cautiously into another room, +and with the deftness of experienced conspirators placed it at the +foot of a small bed, on the south-west corner of which an absurdly +small somebody had hung an absurdly small stocking. + +To return to our own doll's house, Ethelbertha and I, discussing the +subject during our return journey in the train, resolved that, next +year, we ourselves would possess a houseboat, a smaller houseboat, +if possible, than even the one we had just seen. It should have +art-muslin curtains and a flag, and the flowers about it should be +wild roses and forget-me-nots. I could work all the morning on the +roof, with an awning over me to keep off the sun, while Ethelbertha +trimmed the roses and made cakes for tea; and in the evenings we +would sit out on the little deck, and Ethelbertha would play the +guitar (she would begin learning it at once), or we could sit quiet +and listen to the nightingales. + +For, when you are very, very young you dream that the summer is all +sunny days and moonlight nights, that the wind blows always softly +from the west, and that roses will thrive anywhere. But, as you +grow older, you grow tired of waiting for the gray sky to break. So +you close the door and come in, and crouch over the fire, wondering +why the winds blow ever from the east: and you have given up trying +to rear roses. + +I knew a little cottage girl who saved up her money for months and +months so as to buy a new frock in which to go to a flower-show. +But the day of the flower-show was a wet day, so she wore an old +frock instead. And all the fete days for quite a long while were +wet days, and she feared she would never have a chance of wearing +her pretty white dress. But at last there came a fete day morning +that was bright and sunny, and then the little girl clapped her +hands and ran upstairs, and took her new frock (which had been her +"new frock" for so long a time that it was now the oldest frock she +had) from the box where it lay neatly folded between lavender and +thyme, and held it up, and laughed to think how nice she would look +in it. + +But when she went to put it on, she found that she had out-grown it, +and that it was too small for her every way. So she had to wear a +common old frock after all. + +Things happen that way, you know, in this world. There were a boy +and girl once who loved each other very dearly. But they were both +poor, so they agreed to wait till he had made enough money for them +to live comfortably upon, and then they would marry and be happy. +It took him a long while to make, because making money is very slow +work, and he wanted, while he was about it, to make enough for them +to be very happy upon indeed. He accomplished the task eventually, +however, and came back home a wealthy man. + +Then they met again in the poorly-furnished parlour where they had +parted. But they did not sit as near to each other as of old. For +she had lived alone so long that she had grown old-maidish, and she +was feeling vexed with him for having dirtied the carpet with his +muddy boots. And he had worked so long earning money that he had +grown hard and cold like the money itself, and was trying to think +of something affectionate to say to her. + +So for a while they sat, one each side of the paper "fire-stove +ornament," both wondering why they had shed such scalding tears on +that day they had kissed each other good-bye; then said "good-bye" +again, and were glad. + +There is another tale with much the same moral that I learnt at +school out of a copy-book. If I remember rightly, it runs somewhat +like this:- + +Once upon a time there lived a wise grasshopper and a foolish ant. +All through the pleasant summer weather the grasshopper sported and +played, gambolling with his fellows in and out among the sun-beams, +dining sumptuously each day on leaves and dew-drops, never troubling +about the morrow, singing ever his one peaceful, droning song. + +But there came the cruel winter, and the grass-hopper, looking +around, saw that his friends, the flowers, lay dead, and knew +thereby that his own little span was drawing near its close. + +Then he felt glad that he had been so happy, and had not wasted his +life. "It has been very short," said he to himself; "but it has +been very pleasant, and I think I have made the best use of it. I +have drunk in the sunshine, I have lain on the soft, warm air, I +have played merry games in the waving grass, I have tasted the juice +of the sweet green leaves. I have done what I could. I have spread +my wings, I have sung my song. Now I will thank God for the sunny +days that are passed, and die." + +Saying which, he crawled under a brown leaf, and met his fate in the +way that all brave grasshoppers should; and a little bird that was +passing by picked him up tenderly and buried him. + +Now when the foolish ant saw this, she was greatly puffed up with +Pharisaical conceit. "How thankful I ought to be," said she, "that +I am industrious and prudent, and not like this poor grasshopper. +While he was flitting about from flower to flower, enjoying himself, +I was hard at work, putting by against the winter. Now he is dead, +while I am about to make myself cosy in my warm home, and eat all +the good things that I have been saving up." + +But, as she spoke, the gardener came along with his spade, and +levelled the hill where she dwelt to the ground, and left her lying +dead amidst the ruins. + +Then the same kind little bird that had buried the grasshopper came +and picked her out and buried her also; and afterwards he composed +and sang a song, the burthen of which was, "Gather ye rosebuds while +ye may." It was a very pretty song, and a very wise song, and a man +who lived in those days, and to whom the birds, loving him and +feeling that he was almost one of themselves, had taught their +language, fortunately overheard it and wrote it down, so that all +may read it to this day. + +Unhappily for us, however, Fate is a harsh governess, who has no +sympathy with our desire for rosebuds. "Don't stop to pick flowers +now, my dear," she cries, in her sharp, cross tones, as she seizes +our arm and jerks us back into the roadway; "we haven't time to-day. +We will come back again to-morrow, and you shall pick them then." + +And we have to follow her, knowing, if we are experienced children, +that the chances are that we shall never come that way to-morrow; or +that, if we do, the roses will be dead. + +Fate would not hear of our having a houseboat that summer,--which +was an exceptionally fine summer,--but promised us that if we were +good and saved up our money, we should have one next year; and +Ethelbertha and I, being simple-minded, inexperienced children, were +content with the promise, and had faith in its satisfactory +fulfilment. + +As soon as we reached home we informed Amenda of our plan. The +moment the girl opened the door, Ethelbertha burst out with:- "Oh! +can you swim, Amenda?" + +"No, mum," answered Amenda, with entire absence of curiosity as to +why such a question had been addressed to her, "I never knew but one +girl as could, and she got drowned." + +"Well, you'll have to make haste and learn, then," continued +Ethelbertha, "because you won't be able to walk out with your young +man, you'll have to swim out. We're not going to live in a house +any more. We're going to live on a boat in the middle of the +river." + +Ethelbertha's chief object in life at this period was to surprise +and shock Amenda, and her chief sorrow that she had never succeeded +in doing so. She had hoped great things from this announcement, but +the girl remained unmoved. "Oh, are you, mum," she replied; and +went on to speak of other matters. + +I believe the result would have been the same if we had told her we +were going to live in a balloon. + +I do not know how it was, I am sure. Amenda was always most +respectful in her manner. But she had a knack of making Ethelbertha +and myself feel that we were a couple of children, playing at being +grown up and married, and that she was humouring us. + +Amenda stayed with us for nearly five years--until the milkman, +having saved up sufficient to buy a "walk" of his own, had become +practicable--but her attitude towards us never changed. Even when +we came to be really important married people, the proprietors of a +"family," it was evident that she merely considered we had gone a +step further in the game, and were playing now at being fathers and +mothers. + +By some subtle process she contrived to imbue the baby also with +this idea. The child never seemed to me to take either of us quite +seriously. She would play with us, or join with us in light +conversation; but when it came to the serious affairs of life, such +as bathing or feeding, she preferred her nurse. + +Ethelbertha attempted to take her out in the perambulator one +morning, but the child would not hear of it for a moment. + +"It's all right, baby dear," explained Ethelbertha soothingly. +"Baby's going out with mamma this morning." + +"Oh no, baby ain't," was baby's rejoinder, in effect if not in +words. "Baby don't take a hand in experiments--not this baby. I +don't want to be upset or run over." + +Poor Ethel! I shall never forget how heart-broken she was. It was +the want of confidence that wounded her. + +But these are reminiscences of other days, having no connection with +the days of which I am--or should be--writing; and to wander from +one matter to another is, in a teller of tales, a grievous sin, and +a growing custom much to be condemned. Therefore I will close my +eyes to all other memories, and endeavour to see only that little +white and green houseboat by the ferry, which was the scene of our +future collaborations. + +Houseboats then were not built to the scale of Mississippi steamers, +but this boat was a small one, even for that primitive age. The man +from whom we hired it described it as "compact." The man to whom, +at the end of the first month, we tried to sub-let it, characterised +it as "poky." In our letters we traversed this definition. In our +hearts we agreed with it. + +At first, however, its size--or, rather, its lack of size--was one +of its chief charms in Ethelbertha's eyes. The fact that if you got +out of bed carelessly you were certain to knock your head against +the ceiling, and that it was utterly impossible for any man to put +on his trousers except in the saloon, she regarded as a capital +joke. + +That she herself had to take a looking-glass and go upon the roof to +do her back hair, she thought less amusing. + +Amenda accepted her new surroundings with her usual philosophic +indifference. On being informed that what she had mistaken for a +linen-press was her bedroom, she remarked that there was one +advantage about it, and that was, that she could not tumble out of +bed, seeing there was nowhere to tumble; and, on being shown the +kitchen, she observed that she should like it for two things--one +was that she could sit in the middle and reach everything without +getting up; the other, that nobody else could come into the +apartment while she was there. + +"You see, Amenda," explained Ethelbertha apologetically, "we shall +really live outside." + +"Yes, mum," answered Amenda, "I should say that would be the best +place to do it." + +If only we could have lived more outside, the life might have been +pleasant enough, but the weather rendered it impossible, six days +out of the seven, for us to do more than look out of the window and +feel thankful that we had a roof over our heads. + +I have known wet summers before and since. I have learnt by many +bitter experiences the danger and foolishness of leaving the shelter +of London any time between the first of May and the thirty-first of +October. Indeed, the country is always associate in my mind with +recollections of long, weary days passed in the pitiless rain, and +sad evenings spent in other people's clothes. But never have I +known, and never, I pray night and morning, may I know again, such a +summer as the one we lived through (though none of us expected to) +on that confounded houseboat. + +In the morning we would be awakened by the rain's forcing its way +through the window and wetting the bed, and would get up and mop out +the saloon. After breakfast I would try to work, but the beating of +the hail upon the roof just over my head would drive every idea out +of my brain, and, after a wasted hour or two, I would fling down my +pen and hunt up Ethelbertha, and we would put on our mackintoshes +and take our umbrellas and go out for a row. At mid-day we would +return and put on some dry clothes, and sit down to dinner. + +In the afternoon the storm generally freshened up a bit, and we were +kept pretty busy rushing about with towels and cloths, trying to +prevent the water from coming into the rooms and swamping us. +During tea-time the saloon was usually illuminated by forked +lightning. The evenings we spent in baling out the boat, after +which we took it in turns to go into the kitchen and warm ourselves. +At eight we supped, and from then until it was time to go to bed we +sat wrapped up in rugs, listening to the roaring of the thunder, and +the howling of the wind, and the lashing of the waves, and wondering +whether the boat would hold out through the night. + +Friends would come down to spend the day with us--elderly, irritable +people, fond of warmth and comfort; people who did not, as a rule, +hanker after jaunts, even under the most favourable conditions; but +who had been persuaded by our silly talk that a day on the river +would be to them like a Saturday to Monday in Paradise. + +They would arrive soaked; and we would shut them up in different +bunks, and leave them to strip themselves and put on things of +Ethelbertha's or of mine. But Ethel and I, in those days, were +slim, so that stout, middle-aged people in our clothes neither +looked well nor felt happy. + +Upon their emerging we would take them into the saloon and try to +entertain them by telling them what we had intended to do with them +had the day been fine. But their answers were short, and +occasionally snappy, and after a while the conversation would flag, +and we would sit round reading last week's newspapers and coughing. + +The moment their own clothes were dry (we lived in a perpetual +atmosphere of steaming clothes) they would insist upon leaving us, +which seemed to me discourteous after all that we had done for them, +and would dress themselves once more and start off home, and get wet +again before they got there. + +We would generally receive a letter a few days afterwards, written +by some relative, informing us that both patients were doing as well +as could be expected, and promising to send us a card for the +funeral in case of a relapse. + +Our chief recreation, our sole consolation, during the long weeks of +our imprisonment, was to watch from our windows the pleasure-seekers +passing by in small open boats, and to reflect what an awful day +they had had, or were going to have, as the case might be. + +In the forenoon they would head up stream--young men with their +sweethearts; nephews taking out their rich old aunts; husbands and +wives (some of them pairs, some of them odd ones); stylish-looking +girls with cousins; energetic-looking men with dogs; high-class +silent parties; low-class noisy parties; quarrelsome family parties- +-boatload after boatload they went by, wet, but still hopeful, +pointing out bits of blue sky to each other. + +In the evening they would return, drenched and gloomy, saying +disagreeable things to one another. + +One couple, and one couple only, out of the many hundreds that +passed under our review, came back from the ordeal with pleasant +faces. He was rowing hard and singing, with a handkerchief tied +round his head to keep his hat on, and she was laughing at him, +while trying to hold up an umbrella with one hand and steer with the +other. + +There are but two explanations to account for people being jolly on +the river in the rain. The one I dismissed as being both +uncharitable and improbable. The other was creditable to the human +race, and, adopting it, I took off my cap to this damp but cheerful +pair as they went by. They answered with a wave of the hand, and I +stood looking after them till they disappeared in the mist. + +I am inclined to think that those young people, if they be still +alive, are happy. Maybe, fortune has been kind to them, or maybe +she has not, but in either event they are, I am inclined to think, +happier than are most people. + +Now and again, the daily tornado would rage with such fury as to +defeat its own purpose by prematurely exhausting itself. On these +rare occasions we would sit out on the deck, and enjoy the unwonted +luxury of fresh air. + +I remember well those few pleasant evenings: the river, luminous +with the drowned light, the dark banks where the night lurked, the +storm-tossed sky, jewelled here and there with stars. + +It was delightful not to hear for an hour or so the sullen thrashing +of the rain; but to listen to the leaping of the fishes, the soft +swirl raised by some water-rat, swimming stealthily among the +rushes, the restless twitterings of the few still wakeful birds. + +An old corncrake lived near to us, and the way he used to disturb +all the other birds, and keep them from going to sleep, was +shameful. Amenda, who was town-bred, mistook him at first for one +of those cheap alarm clocks, and wondered who was winding him up, +and why they went on doing it all night; and, above all, why they +didn't oil him. + +He would begin his unhallowed performance about dusk, just as every +respectable bird was preparing to settle down for the night. A +family of thrushes had their nest a few yards from his stand, and +they used to get perfectly furious with him. + +"There's that fool at it again," the female thrush would say; "why +can't he do it in the day-time if he must do it at all?" (She +spoke, of course, in twitters, but I am confident the above is a +correct translation.) + +After a while, the young thrushes would wake up and begin chirping, +and then the mother would get madder than ever. + +"Can't you say something to him?" she would cry indignantly to her +husband. "How do you think the children can get to sleep, poor +things, with that hideous row going on all night? Might just as +well be living in a saw-mill." + +Thus adjured, the male thrush would put his head over the nest, and +call out in a nervous, apologetic manner:- + +"I say, you know, you there, I wish you wouldn't mind being quiet a +bit. My wife says she can't get the children to sleep. It's too +bad, you know, 'pon my word it is." + +"Gor on," the corncrake would answer surlily. "You keep your wife +herself quiet; that's enough for you to do." And on he would go +again worse than before. + +Then a mother blackbird, from a little further off, would join in +the fray. + +"Ah, it's a good hiding he wants, not a talking to. And if I was a +cock, I'd give it him." (This remark would be made in a tone of +withering contempt, and would appear to bear reference to some +previous discussion.) + +"You're quite right, ma'am," Mrs. Thrush would reply. "That's what +I tell my husband, but" (with rising inflection, so that every lady +in the plantation might hear) "HE wouldn't move himself, bless you-- +no, not if I and the children were to die before his eyes for want +of sleep." + +"Ah, he ain't the only one, my dear," the blackbird would pipe back, +"they're all alike"; then, in a voice more of sorrow than of anger:- +"but there, it ain't their fault, I suppose, poor things. If you +ain't got the spirit of a bird you can't help yourself." + +I would strain my ears at this point to hear if the male blackbird +was moved at all by these taunts, but the only sound I could ever +detect coming from his neighbourhood was that of palpably +exaggerated snoring. + +By this time the whole glade would be awake, expressing views +concerning that corncrake that would have wounded a less callous +nature. + +"Blow me tight, Bill," some vulgar little hedge-sparrow would chirp +out, in the midst of the hubbub, "if I don't believe the gent thinks +'e's a-singing." + +"'Tain't 'is fault," Bill would reply, with mock sympathy. +"Somebody's put a penny in the slot, and 'e can't stop 'isself." + +Irritated by the laugh that this would call forth from the younger +birds, the corncrake would exert himself to be more objectionable +than ever, and, as a means to this end, would commence giving his +marvellous imitation of the sharpening of a rusty saw by a steel +file. + +But at this an old crow, not to be trifled with, would cry out +angrily:- + +"Stop that, now. If I come down to you I'll peck your cranky head +off, I will." + +And then would follow silence for a quarter of an hour, after which +the whole thing would begin again. + + + +CHAPTER V + + + +Brown and MacShaughnassy came down together on the Saturday +afternoon; and, as soon as they had dried themselves, and had had +some tea, we settled down to work. + +Jephson had written that he would not be able to be with us until +late in the evening, and Brown proposed that we should occupy +ourselves until his arrival with plots. + +"Let each of us," said he, "sketch out a plot. Afterwards we can +compare them, and select the best." + +This we proceeded to do. The plots themselves I forget, but I +remember that at the subsequent judging each man selected his own, +and became so indignant at the bitter criticism to which it was +subjected by the other two, that he tore it up; and, for the next +half-hour, we sat and smoked in silence. + +When I was very young I yearned to know other people's opinion of me +and all my works; now, my chief aim is to avoid hearing it. In +those days, had any one told me there was half a line about myself +in a newspaper, I should have tramped London to obtain that +publication. Now, when I see a column headed with my name, I +hurriedly fold up the paper and put it away from me, subduing my +natural curiosity to read it by saying to myself, "Why should you? +It will only upset you for the day." + +In my cubhood I possessed a friend. Other friends have come into my +life since--very dear and precious friends--but they have none of +them been to me quite what this friend was. Because he was my first +friend, and we lived together in a world that was much bigger than +this world--more full of joy and of grief; and, in that world, we +loved and hated deeper than we love and hate in this smaller world +that I have come to dwell in since. + +He also had the very young man's craving to be criticised, and we +made it our custom to oblige each other. We did not know then that +what we meant, when we asked for "criticism," was encouragement. We +thought that we were strong--one does at the beginning of the +battle, and that we could bear to hear the truth. + +Accordingly, each one pointed out to the other one his errors, and +this task kept us both so busy that we had never time to say a word +of praise to one another. That we each had a high opinion of the +other's talents I am convinced, but our heads were full of silly +saws. We said to ourselves: "There are many who will praise a man; +it is only his friend who will tell him of his faults." Also, we +said: "No man sees his own shortcomings, but when these are pointed +out to him by another he is grateful, and proceeds to mend them." + +As we came to know the world better, we learnt the fallacy of these +ideas. But then it was too late, for the mischief had been done. + +When one of us had written anything, he would read it to the other, +and when he had finished he would say, "Now, tell me what you think +of it--frankly and as a friend." + +Those were his words. But his thoughts, though he may not have +known them, were:- + +"Tell me it is clever and good, my friend, even if you do not think +so. The world is very cruel to those that have not yet conquered +it, and, though we keep a careless face, our young hearts are scored +with wrinkles. Often we grow weary and faint-hearted. Is it not +so, my friend? No one has faith in us, and in our dark hours we +doubt ourselves. You are my comrade. You know what of myself I +have put into this thing that to others will be but an idle half- +hour's reading. Tell me it is good, my friend. Put a little heart +into me, I pray you." + +But the other, full of the lust of criticism, which is +civilisation's substitute for cruelty, would answer more in +frankness than in friendship. Then he who had written would flush +angrily, and scornful words would pass. + +One evening, he read me a play he had written. There was much that +was good in it, but there were also faults (there are in some +plays), and these I seized upon and made merry over. I could hardly +have dealt out to the piece more unnecessary bitterness had I been a +professional critic. + +As soon as I paused from my sport he rose, and, taking his +manuscript from the table, tore it in two, and flung it in the fire- +-he was but a very young man, you must remember--and then, standing +before me with a white face, told me, unsolicited, his opinion of me +and of my art. After which double event, it is perhaps needless to +say that we parted in hot anger. + +I did not see him again for years. The streets of life are very +crowded, and if we loose each other's hands we are soon hustled far +apart. When I did next meet him it was by accident. + +I had left the Whitehall Rooms after a public dinner, and, glad of +the cool night air, was strolling home by the Embankment. A man, +slouching along under the trees, paused as I overtook him. + +"You couldn't oblige me with a light, could you, guv'nor?" he said. +The voice sounded strange, coming from the figure that it did. + +I struck a match, and held it out to him, shaded by my hands. As +the faint light illumined his face, I started back, and let the +match fall:- + +"Harry!" + +He answered with a short dry laugh. "I didn't know it was you," he +said, "or I shouldn't have stopped you." + +"How has it come to this, old fellow?" I asked, laying my hand upon +his shoulder. His coat was unpleasantly greasy, and I drew my hand +away again as quickly as I could, and tried to wipe it covertly upon +my handkerchief. + +"Oh, it's a long, story," he answered carelessly, "and too +conventional to be worth telling. Some of us go up, you know. Some +of us go down. You're doing pretty well, I hear." + +"I suppose so," I replied; "I've climbed a few feet up a greasy +pole, and am trying to stick there. But it is of you I want to +talk. Can't I do anything for you?" + +We were passing under a gas-lamp at the moment. He thrust his face +forward close to mine, and the light fell full and pitilessly upon +it. + +"Do I look like a man you could do anything for?" he said. + +We walked on in silence side by side, I casting about for words that +might seize hold of him. + +"You needn't worry about me," he continued after a while, "I'm +comfortable enough. We take life easily down here where I am. +We've no disappointments." + +"Why did you give up like a weak coward?" I burst out angrily. "You +had talent. You would have won with ordinary perseverance." + +"Maybe," he replied, in the same even tone of indifference. "I +suppose I hadn't the grit. I think if somebody had believed in me +it might have helped me. But nobody did, and at last I lost belief +in myself. And when a man loses that, he's like a balloon with the +gas let out." + +I listened to his words in indignation and astonishment. "Nobody +believed in you!" I repeated. "Why, I always believed in you, you +know that I--" + +Then I paused, remembering our "candid criticism" of one another. + +"Did you?" he replied quietly, "I never heard you say so. Good- +night." + +In the course of our Strandward walking we had come to the +neighbourhood of the Savoy, and, as he spoke, he disappeared down +one of the dark turnings thereabouts. + +I hastened after him, calling him by name, but though I heard his +quick steps before me for a little way, they were soon swallowed up +in the sound of other steps, and, when I reached the square in which +the chapel stands, I had lost all trace of him. + +A policeman was standing by the churchyard railings, and of him I +made inquiries. + +"What sort of a gent was he, sir?" questioned the man. + +"A tall thin gentleman, very shabbily dressed--might be mistaken for +a tramp." + +"Ah, there's a good many of that sort living in this town," replied +the man. "I'm afraid you'll have some difficulty in finding him." + +Thus for a second time had I heard his footsteps die away, knowing I +should never listen for their drawing near again. + +I wondered as I walked on--I have wondered before and since--whether +Art, even with a capital A, is quite worth all the suffering that is +inflicted in her behalf--whether she and we are better for all the +scorning and the sneering, all the envying and the hating, that is +done in her name. + +Jephson arrived about nine o'clock in the ferry-boat. We were made +acquainted with this fact by having our heads bumped against the +sides of the saloon. + +Somebody or other always had their head bumped whenever the ferry- +boat arrived. It was a heavy and cumbersome machine, and the ferry- +boy was not a good punter. He admitted this frankly, which was +creditable of him. But he made no attempt to improve himself; that +is, where he was wrong. His method was to arrange the punt before +starting in a line with the point towards which he wished to +proceed, and then to push hard, without ever looking behind him, +until something suddenly stopped him. This was sometimes the bank, +sometimes another boat, occasionally a steamer, from six to a dozen +times a day our riparian dwelling. That he never succeeded in +staving the houseboat in speaks highly for the man who built her. + +One day he came down upon us with a tremendous crash. Amenda was +walking along the passage at the moment, and the result to her was +that she received a violent blow first on the left side of her head +and then on the right. + +She was accustomed to accept one bump as a matter of course, and to +regard it as an intimation from the boy that he had come; but this +double knock annoyed her: so much "style" was out of place in a +mere ferry-boy. Accordingly she went out to him in a state of high +indignation. + +"What do you think you are?" she cried, balancing accounts by boxing +his ears first on one side and then on the other, "a torpedo! What +are you doing here at all? What do you want?" + +"I don't want nothin'," explained the boy, rubbing his head; "I've +brought a gent down." + +"A gent?" said Amenda, looking round, but seeing no one. "What +gent?" + +"A stout gent in a straw 'at," answered the boy, staring round him +bewilderedly. + +"Well, where is he?" asked Amenda. + +"I dunno," replied the boy, in an awed voice; "'e was a-standin' +there, at the other end of the punt, a-smokin' a cigar." + +Just then a head appeared above the water, and a spent but +infuriated swimmer struggled up between the houseboat and the bank. + +"Oh, there 'e is!" cried the boy delightedly, evidently much +relieved at this satisfactory solution of the mystery; "'e must ha' +tumbled off the punt." + +"You're quite right, my lad, that's just what he did do, and there's +your fee for assisting him to do it." Saying which, my dripping +friend, who had now scrambled upon deck, leant over, and following +Amenda's excellent example, expressed his feelings upon the boy's +head. + +There was one comforting reflection about the transaction as a +whole, and that was that the ferry-boy had at last received a fit +and proper reward for his services. I had often felt inclined to +give him something myself. I think he was, without exception, the +most clumsy and stupid boy I have ever come across; and that is +saying a good deal. + +His mother undertook that for three-and-sixpence a week he should +"make himself generally useful" to us for a couple of hours every +morning. + +Those were the old lady's very words, and I repeated them to Amenda +when I introduced the boy to her. + +"This is James, Amenda," I said; "he will come down here every +morning at seven, and bring us our milk and the letters, and from +then till nine he will make himself generally useful." + +Amenda took stock of him. + +"It will be a change of occupation for him, sir, I should say, by +the look of him," she remarked. + +After that, whenever some more than usually stirring crash or blood- +curdling bump would cause us to leap from our seats and cry: "What +on earth has happened?" Amenda would reply: "Oh, it's only James, +mum, making himself generally useful." + +Whatever he lifted he let fall; whatever he touched he upset; +whatever he came near--that was not a fixture--he knocked over; if +it was a fixture, it knocked HIM over. This was not carelessness: +it seemed to be a natural gift. Never in his life, I am convinced, +had he carried a bucketful of anything anywhere without tumbling +over it before he got there. One of his duties was to water the +flowers on the roof. Fortunately--for the flowers--Nature, that +summer, stood drinks with a lavishness sufficient to satisfy the +most confirmed vegetable toper: otherwise every plant on our boat +would have died from drought. Never one drop of water did they +receive from him. He was for ever taking them water, but he never +arrived there with it. As a rule he upset the pail before he got it +on to the boat at all, and this was the best thing that could +happen, because then the water simply went back into the river, and +did no harm to any one. Sometimes, however, he would succeed in +landing it, and then the chances were he would spill it over the +deck or into the passage. Now and again, he would get halfway up +the ladder before the accident occurred. Twice he nearly reached +the top; and once he actually did gain the roof. What happened +there on that memorable occasion will never be known. The boy +himself, when picked up, could explain nothing. It is supposed that +he lost his head with the pride of the achievement, and essayed +feats that neither his previous training nor his natural abilities +justified him in attempting. However that may be, the fact remains +that the main body of the water came down the kitchen chimney; and +that the boy and the empty pail arrived together on deck before they +knew they had started. + +When he could find nothing else to damage, he would go out of his +way to upset himself. He could not be sure of stepping from his own +punt on to the boat with safety. As often as not, he would catch +his foot in the chain or the punt-pole, and arrive on his chest. + +Amenda used to condole with him. "Your mother ought to be ashamed +of herself," I heard her telling him one morning; "she could never +have taught you to walk. What you want is a go-cart." + +He was a willing lad, but his stupidity was super-natural. A comet +appeared in the sky that year, and everybody was talking about it. +One day he said to me:- + +"There's a comet coming, ain't there, sir?" He talked about it as +though it were a circus. + +"Coming!" I answered, "it's come. Haven't you seen it?" + +"No, sir." + +"Oh, well, you have a look for it to-night. It's worth seeing." + +"Yees, sir, I should like to see it. It's got a tail, ain't it, +sir?" + +"Yes, a very fine tail." + +"Yees, sir, they said it 'ad a tail. Where do you go to see it, +sir?" + +"Go! You don't want to go anywhere. You'll see it in your own +garden at ten o'clock." + +He thanked me, and, tumbling over a sack of potatoes, plunged head +foremost into his punt and departed. + +Next morning, I asked him if he had seen the comet. + +"No, sir, I couldn't see it anywhere." + +"Did you look?" + +"Yees, sir. I looked a long time." + +"How on earth did you manage to miss it then?" I exclaimed. "It was +a clear enough night. Where did you look?" + +"In our garden, sir. Where you told me." + +"Whereabouts in the garden?" chimed in Amenda, who happened to be +standing by; "under the gooseberry bushes?" + +"Yees--everywhere." + +That is what he had done: he had taken the stable lantern and +searched the garden for it. + +But the day when he broke even his own record for foolishness +happened about three weeks later. MacShaughnassy was staying with +us at the time, and on the Friday evening he mixed us a salad, +according to a recipe given him by his aunt. On the Saturday +morning, everybody was, of course, very ill. Everybody always is +very ill after partaking of any dish prepared by MacShaughnassy. +Some people attempt to explain this fact by talking glibly of "cause +and effect." MacShaughnassy maintains that it is simply +coincidence. + +"How do you know," he says, "that you wouldn't have been ill if you +hadn't eaten any? You're queer enough now, any one can see, and I'm +very sorry for you; but, for all that you can tell, if you hadn't +eaten any of that stuff you might have been very much worse--perhaps +dead. In all probability, it has saved your life." And for the +rest of the day, he assumes towards you the attitude of a man who +has dragged you from the grave. + +The moment Jimmy arrived I seized hold of him. + +"Jimmy," I said, "you must rush off to the chemist's immediately. +Don't stop for anything. Tell him to give you something for colic-- +the result of vegetable poisoning. It must be something very +strong, and enough for four. Don't forget, something to counteract +the effects of vegetable poisoning. Hurry up, or it may be too +late." + +My excitement communicated itself to the boy. He tumbled back into +his punt, and pushed off vigorously. I watched him land, and +disappear in the direction of the village. + +Half an hour passed, but Jimmy did not return. No one felt +sufficiently energetic to go after him. We had only just strength +enough to sit still and feebly abuse him. At the end of an hour we +were all feeling very much better. At the end of an hour and a half +we were glad he had not returned when he ought to have, and were +only curious as to what had become of him. + +In the evening, strolling through the village, we saw him sitting by +the open door of his mother's cottage, with a shawl wrapped round +him. He was looking worn and ill. + +"Why, Jimmy," I said, "what's the matter? Why didn't you come back +this morning?" + +"I couldn't, sir," Jimmy answered, "I was so queer. Mother made me +go to bed." + +"You seemed all right in the morning," I said; "what's made you +queer?" + +"What Mr. Jones give me, sir: it upset me awful." + +A light broke in upon me. + +"What did you say, Jimmy, when you got to Mr. Jones's shop?" I +asked. + +"I told 'im what you said, sir, that 'e was to give me something to +counteract the effects of vegetable poisoning. And that it was to +be very strong, and enough for four." + +"And what did he say?" + +"'E said that was only your nonsense, sir, and that I'd better have +enough for one to begin with; and then 'e asked me if I'd been +eating green apples again." + +"And you told him?" + +"Yees, sir, I told 'im I'd 'ad a few, and 'e said it served me +right, and that 'e 'oped it would be a warning to me. And then 'e +put something fizzy in a glass and told me to drink it." + +"And you drank it?" + +"Yees, sir." + +"It never occurred to you, Jimmy, that there was nothing the matter +with you--that you were never feeling better in your life, and that +you did not require any medicine?" + +"No, sir." + +"Did one single scintilla of thought of any kind occur to you in +connection with the matter, Jimmy, from beginning to end?" + +"No, sir." + +People who never met Jimmy disbelieve this story. They argue that +its premises are in disaccord with the known laws governing human +nature, that its details do not square with the average of +probability. People who have seen and conversed with Jimmy accept +it with simple faith. + +The advent of Jephson--which I trust the reader has not entirely +forgotten--cheered us up considerably. Jephson was always at his +best when all other things were at their worst. It was not that he +struggled in Mark Tapley fashion to appear most cheerful when most +depressed; it was that petty misfortunes and mishaps genuinely +amused and inspirited him. Most of us can recall our unpleasant +experiences with amused affection; Jephson possessed the robuster +philosophy that enabled him to enjoy his during their actual +progress. He arrived drenched to the skin, chuckling hugely at the +idea of having come down on a visit to a houseboat in such weather. + +Under his warming influence, the hard lines on our faces thawed, and +by supper time we were, as all Englishmen and women who wish to +enjoy life should be, independent of the weather. + +Later on, as if disheartened by our indifference, the rain ceased, +and we took our chairs out on the deck, and sat watching the +lightning, which still played incessantly. Then, not unnaturally, +the talk drifted into a sombre channel, and we began recounting +stories, dealing with the gloomy and mysterious side of life. + +Some of these were worth remembering, and some were not. The one +that left the strongest impression on my mind was a tale that +Jephson told us. + +I had been relating a somewhat curious experience of my own. I met +a man in the Strand one day that I knew very well, as I thought, +though I had not seen him for years. We walked together to Charing +Cross, and there we shook hands and parted. Next morning, I spoke +of this meeting to a mutual friend, and then I learnt, for the first +time, that the man had died six months before. + +The natural inference was that I had mistaken one man for another, +an error that, not having a good memory for faces, I frequently fall +into. What was remarkable about the matter, however, was that +throughout our walk I had conversed with the man under the +impression that he was that other dead man, and, whether by +coincidence or not, his replies had never once suggested to me my +mistake. + +As soon as I finished, Jephson, who had been listening very +thoughtfully, asked me if I believed in spiritualism "to its fullest +extent." + +"That is rather a large question," I answered. "What do you mean by +'spiritualism to its fullest extent'?" + +"Well, do you believe that the spirits of the dead have not only the +power of revisiting this earth at their will, but that, when here, +they have the power of action, or rather, of exciting to action? +Let me put a definite case. A spiritualist friend of mine, a +sensible and by no means imaginative man, once told me that a table, +through the medium of which the spirit of a friend had been in the +habit of communicating with him, came slowly across the room towards +him, of its own accord, one night as he sat alone, and pinioned him +against the wall. Now can any of you believe that, or can't you?" + +"I could," Brown took it upon himself to reply; "but, before doing +so, I should wish for an introduction to the friend who told you the +story. Speaking generally," he continued, "it seems to me that the +difference between what we call the natural and the supernatural is +merely the difference between frequency and rarity of occurrence. +Having regard to the phenomena we are compelled to admit, I think it +illogical to disbelieve anything we are unable to disprove." + +"For my part," remarked MacShaughnassy, "I can believe in the +ability of our spirit friends to give the quaint entertainments +credited to them much easier than I can in their desire to do so." + +"You mean," added Jephson, "that you cannot understand why a spirit, +not compelled as we are by the exigencies of society, should care to +spend its evenings carrying on a laboured and childish conversation +with a room full of abnormally uninteresting people." + +"That is precisely what I cannot understand," MacShaughnassy agreed. + +"Nor I, either," said Jephson. "But I was thinking of something +very different altogether. Suppose a man died with the dearest wish +of his heart unfulfilled, do you believe that his spirit might have +power to return to earth and complete the interrupted work?" + +"Well," answered MacShaughnassy, "if one admits the possibility of +spirits retaining any interest in the affairs of this world at all, +it is certainly more reasonable to imagine them engaged upon a task +such as you suggest, than to believe that they occupy themselves +with the performance of mere drawing-room tricks. But what are you +leading up to?" + +"Why, to this," replied Jephson, seating himself straddle-legged +across his chair, and leaning his arms upon the back. "I was told a +story this morning at the hospital by an old French doctor. The +actual facts are few and simple; all that is known can be read in +the Paris police records of sixty-two years ago. + +"The most important part of the case, however, is the part that is +not known, and that never will be known. + +"The story begins with a great wrong done by one man unto another +man. What the wrong was I do not know. I am inclined to think, +however, it was connected with a woman. I think that, because he +who had been wronged hated him who had wronged him with a hate such +as does not often burn in a man's brain, unless it be fanned by the +memory of a woman's breath. + +"Still that is only conjecture, and the point is immaterial. The +man who had done the wrong fled, and the other man followed him. It +became a point-to-point race, the first man having the advantage of +a day's start. The course was the whole world, and the stakes were +the first man's life. + +"Travellers were few and far between in those days, and this made +the trail easy to follow. The first man, never knowing how far or +how near the other was behind him, and hoping now and again that he +might have baffled him, would rest for a while. The second man, +knowing always just how far the first one was before him, never +paused, and thus each day the man who was spurred by Hate drew +nearer to the man who was spurred by Fear. + +"At this town the answer to the never-varied question would be:- + +"'At seven o'clock last evening, M'sieur.' + +"'Seven--ah; eighteen hours. Give me something to eat, quick, while +the horses are being put to.' + +"At the next the calculation would be sixteen hours. + +"Passing a lonely chalet, Monsieur puts his head out of the window:- + +"'How long since a carriage passed this way, with a tall, fair man +inside?' + +"'Such a one passed early this morning, M'sieur.' + +"'Thanks, drive on, a hundred francs apiece if you are through the +pass before daybreak.' + +"'And what for dead horses, M'sieur?' + +"'Twice their value when living.' + +"One day the man who was ridden by Fear looked up, and saw before +him the open door of a cathedral, and, passing in, knelt down and +prayed. He prayed long and fervently, for men, when they are in +sore straits, clutch eagerly at the straws of faith. He prayed that +he might be forgiven his sin, and, more important still, that he +might be pardoned the consequences of his sin, and be delivered from +his adversary; and a few chairs from him, facing him, knelt his +enemy, praying also. + +"But the second man's prayer, being a thanksgiving merely, was +short, so that when the first man raised his eyes, he saw the face +of his enemy gazing at him across the chair-tops, with a mocking +smile upon it. + +"He made no attempt to rise, but remained kneeling, fascinated by +the look of joy that shone out of the other man's eyes. And the +other man moved the high-backed chairs one by one, and came towards +him softly. + +"Then, just as the man who had been wronged stood beside the man who +had wronged him, full of gladness that his opportunity had come, +there burst from the cathedral tower a sudden clash of bells, and +the man, whose opportunity had come, broke his heart and fell back +dead, with that mocking smile still playing round his mouth. + +"And so he lay there. + +'Then the man who had done the wrong rose up and passed out, +praising God. + +"What became of the body of the other man is not known. It was the +body of a stranger who had died suddenly in the cathedral. There +was none to identify it, none to claim it. + +"Years passed away, and the survivor in the tragedy became a worthy +and useful citizen, and a noted man of science. + +"In his laboratory were many objects necessary to him in his +researches, and, prominent among them, stood in a certain corner a +human skeleton. It was a very old and much-mended skeleton, and one +day the long-expected end arrived, and it tumbled to pieces. + +"Thus it became necessary to purchase another. + +"The man of science visited a dealer he well knew--a little +parchment-faced old man who kept a dingy shop, where nothing was +ever sold, within the shadow of the towers of Notre Dame. + +"The little parchment-faced old man had just the very thing that +Monsieur wanted--a singularly fine and well-proportioned 'study.' +It should be sent round and set up in Monsieur's laboratory that +very afternoon. + +"The dealer was as good as his word. When Monsieur entered his +laboratory that evening, the thing was in its place. + +"Monsieur seated himself in his high-backed chair, and tried to +collect his thoughts. But Monsieur's thoughts were unruly, and +inclined to wander, and to wander always in one direction. + +"Monsieur opened a large volume and commenced to read. He read of a +man who had wronged another and fled from him, the other man +following. Finding himself reading this, he closed the book +angrily, and went and stood by the window and looked out. He saw +before him the sun-pierced nave of a great cathedral, and on the +stones lay a dead man with a mocking smile upon his face. + +"Cursing himself for a fool, he turned away with a laugh. But his +laugh was short-lived, for it seemed to him that something else in +the room was laughing also. Struck suddenly still, with his feet +glued to the ground, he stood listening for a while: then sought +with starting eyes the corner from where the sound had seemed to +come. But the white thing standing there was only grinning. + +"Monsieur wiped the damp sweat from his head and hands, and stole +out. + +"For a couple of days he did not enter the room again. On the +third, telling himself that his fears were those of a hysterical +girl, he opened the door and went in. To shame himself, he took his +lamp in his hand, and crossing over to the far corner where the +skeleton stood, examined it. A set of bones bought for three +hundred francs. Was he a child, to be scared by such a bogey! + +"He held his lamp up in front of the thing's grinning head. The +flame of the lamp flickered as though a faint breath had passed over +it. + +"The man explained this to himself by saying that the walls of the +house were old and cracked, and that the wind might creep in +anywhere. He repeated this explanation to himself as he recrossed +the room, walking backwards, with his eyes fixed on the thing. When +he reached his desk, he sat down and gripped the arms of his chair +till his fingers turned white. + +"He tried to work, but the empty sockets in that grinning head +seemed to be drawing him towards them. He rose and battled with his +inclination to fly screaming from the room. Glancing fearfully +about him, his eye fell upon a high screen, standing before the +door. He dragged it forward, and placed it between himself and the +thing, so that he could not see it--nor it see him. Then he sat +down again to his work. For a while he forced himself to look at +the book in front of him, but at last, unable to control himself any +longer, he suffered his eyes to follow their own bent. + +"It may have been an hallucination. He may have accidentally placed +the screen so as to favour such an illusion. But what he saw was a +bony hand coming round the corner of the screen, and, with a cry, he +fell to the floor in a swoon. + +"The people of the house came running in, and lifting him up, +carried him out, and laid him upon his bed. As soon as he +recovered, his first question was, where had they found the thing-- +where was it when they entered the room? and when they told him they +had seen it standing where it always stood, and had gone down into +the room to look again, because of his frenzied entreaties, and +returned trying to hide their smiles, he listened to their talk +about overwork, and the necessity for change and rest, and said they +might do with him as they would. + +"So for many months the laboratory door remained locked. Then there +came a chill autumn evening when the man of science opened it again, +and closed it behind him. + +"He lighted his lamp, and gathered his instruments and books around +him, and sat down before them in his high-backed chair. And the old +terror returned to him. + +"But this time he meant to conquer himself. His nerves were +stronger now, and his brain clearer; he would fight his unreasoning +fear. He crossed to the door and locked himself in, and flung the +key to the other end of the room, where it fell among jars and +bottles with an echoing clatter. + +"Later on, his old housekeeper, going her final round, tapped at his +door and wished him good-night, as was her custom. She received no +response, at first, and, growing nervous, tapped louder and called +again; and at length an answering 'good-night' came back to her. + +"She thought little about it at the time, but afterwards she +remembered that the voice that had replied to her had been strangely +grating and mechanical. Trying to describe it, she likened it to +such a voice as she would imagine coming from a statue. + +"Next morning his door remained still locked. It was no unusual +thing for him to work all night and far into the next day, so no one +thought to be surprised. When, however, evening came, and yet he +did not appear, his servants gathered outside the room and +whispered, remembering what had happened once before. + +"They listened, but could hear no sound. They shook the door and +called to him, then beat with their fists upon the wooden panels. +But still no sound came from the room. + +"Becoming alarmed, they decided to burst open the door, and, after +many blows, it gave way, and they crowded in. + +He sat bolt upright in his high-backed chair. They thought at first +he had died in his sleep. But when they drew nearer and the light +fell upon him, they saw the livid marks of bony fingers round his +throat; and in his eyes there was a terror such as is not often seen +in human eyes." + + +Brown was the first to break the silence that followed. He asked me +if I had any brandy on board. He said he felt he should like just a +nip of brandy before going to bed. That is one of the chief charms +of Jephson's stories: they always make you feel you want a little +brandy. + + + +CHAPTER VI + + + +"Cats," remarked Jephson to me, one afternoon, as we sat in the punt +discussing the plot of our novel, "cats are animals for whom I +entertain a very great respect. Cats and Nonconformists seem to me +the only things in this world possessed of a practicable working +conscience. Watch a cat doing something mean and wrong--if ever one +gives you the chance; notice how anxious she is that nobody should +see her doing it; and how prompt, if detected, to pretend that she +was not doing it--that she was not even thinking of doing it--that, +as a matter of fact, she was just about to do something else, quite +different. You might almost think they had a soul. + +"Only this morning I was watching that tortoise-shell of yours on +the houseboat. She was creeping along the roof, behind the flower- +boxes, stalking a young thrush that had perched upon a coil of rope. +Murder gleamed from her eye, assassination lurked in every twitching +muscle of her body. As she crouched to spring, Fate, for once +favouring the weak, directed her attention to myself, and she +became, for the first time, aware of my presence. It acted upon her +as a heavenly vision upon a Biblical criminal. In an instant she +was a changed being. The wicked beast, going about seeking whom it +might devour, had vanished. In its place sat a long-tailed, furry +angel, gazing up into the sky with an expression that was one-third +innocence and two-thirds admiration of the beauties of nature. What +was she doing there, did I want to know? Why, could I not see, +playing with a bit of earth. Surely I was not so evil-minded as to +imagine she wanted to kill that dear little bird--God bless it. + +"Then note an old Tom, slinking home in the early morning, after a +night spent on a roof of bad repute. Can you picture to yourself a +living creature less eager to attract attention? 'Dear me,' you can +all but hear it saying to itself, 'I'd no idea it was so late; how +time does go when one is enjoying oneself. I do hope I shan't meet +any one I know--very awkward, it's being so light.' + +"In the distance it sees a policeman, and stops suddenly within the +shelter of a shadow. 'Now what's he doing there,' it says, 'and +close to our door too? I can't go in while he's hanging about. +He's sure to see and recognise me; and he's just the sort of man to +talk to the servants.' + +"It hides itself behind a post and waits, peeping cautiously round +the corner from time to time. The policeman, however, seems to have +taken up his residence at that particular spot, and the cat becomes +worried and excited. + +"'What's the matter with the fool?' it mutters indignantly; 'is he +dead? Why don't he move on, he's always telling other people to. +Stupid ass.' + +"Just then a far-off cry of 'milk' is heard, and the cat starts up +in an agony of alarm. 'Great Scott, hark at that! Why, everybody +will be down before I get in. Well, I can't help it. I must chance +it.' + +"He glances round at himself, and hesitates. 'I wouldn't mind if I +didn't look so dirty and untidy,' he muses; 'people are so prone to +think evil in this world.' + +"'Ah, well,' he adds, giving himself a shake, 'there's nothing else +for it, I must put my trust in Providence, it's pulled me through +before: here goes.' + +"He assumes an aspect of chastened sorrow, and trots along with a +demure and saddened step. It is evident he wishes to convey the +idea that he has been out all night on work connected with the +Vigilance Association, and is now returning home sick at heart +because of the sights that he has seen. + +"He squirms in, unnoticed, through a window, and has just time to +give himself a hurried lick down before he hears the cook's step on +the stairs. When she enters the kitchen he is curled up on the +hearthrug, fast asleep. The opening of the shutters awakes him. He +rises and comes forward, yawning and stretching himself. + +"'Dear me, is it morning, then?' he says drowsily. 'Heigh-ho! I've +had such a lovely sleep, cook; and such a beautiful dream about poor +mother.' + +"Cats! do you call them? Why, they are Christians in everything +except the number of legs." + +"They certainly are," I responded, "wonderfully cunning little +animals, and it is not by their moral and religious instincts alone +that they are so closely linked to man; the marvellous ability they +display in taking care of 'number one' is worthy of the human race +itself. Some friends of mine had a cat, a big black Tom: they have +got half of him still. They had reared him from a kitten, and, in +their homely, undemonstrative way, they liked him. There was +nothing, however, approaching passion on either side. + +"One day a Chinchilla came to live in the neighbourhood, under the +charge of an elderly spinster, and the two cats met at a garden wall +party. + +"'What sort of diggings have you got?' asked the Chinchilla. + +"'Oh, pretty fair.' + +"'Nice people?' + +"'Yes, nice enough--as people go.' + +"'Pretty willing? Look after you well, and all that sort of thing?' + +"'Yes--oh yes. I've no fault to find with them.' + +"'What's the victuals like?' + +"'Oh, the usual thing, you know, bones and scraps, and a bit of dog- +biscuit now and then for a change.' + +"'Bones and dog-biscuits! Do you mean to say you eat bones?' + +"'Yes, when I can get 'em. Why, what's wrong about them?' + +"'Shade of Egyptian Isis, bones and dog-biscuits! Don't you ever +get any spring chickens, or a sardine, or a lamb cutlet?' + +"'Chickens! Sardines! What are you talking about? What are +sardines?' + +"'What are sardines! Oh, my dear child (the Chinchilla was a lady +cat, and always called gentlemen friends a little older than herself +'dear child'), these people of yours are treating you just +shamefully. Come, sit down and tell me all about it. What do they +give you to sleep on?' + +"'The floor.' + +"'I thought so; and skim milk and water to drink, I suppose?' + +"'It IS a bit thin.' + +"'I can quite imagine it. You must leave these people, my dear, at +once.' + +"'But where am I to go to?' + +"'Anywhere.' + +"'But who'll take me in?' + +"'Anybody, if you go the right way to work. How many times do you +think I've changed my people? Seven!--and bettered myself on each +occasion. Why, do you know where I was born? In a pig-sty. There +were three of us, mother and I and my little brother. Mother would +leave us every evening, returning generally just as it was getting +light. One morning she did not come back. We waited and waited, +but the day passed on and she did not return, and we grew hungrier +and hungrier, and at last we lay down, side by side, and cried +ourselves to sleep. + +"'In the evening, peeping through a hole in the door, we saw her +coming across the field. She was crawling very slowly, with her +body close down against the ground. We called to her, and she +answered with a low "crroo"; but she did not hasten her pace. + +"'She crept in and rolled over on her side, and we ran to her, for +we were almost starving. We lay long upon her breasts, and she +licked us over and over. + +"'I dropped asleep upon her, and in the night I awoke, feeling cold. +I crept closer to her, but that only made me colder still, and she +was wet and clammy with a dark moisture that was oozing from her +side. I did not know what it was at that time, but I have learnt +since. + +"'That was when I could hardly have been four weeks old, and from +that day to this I've looked after myself: you've got to do that in +this world, my dear. For a while, I and my brother lived on in that +sty and kept ourselves. It was a grim struggle at first, two babies +fighting for life; but we pulled through. At the end of about three +months, wandering farther from home than usual, I came upon a +cottage, standing in the fields. It looked warm and cosy through +the open door, and I went in: I have always been blessed with +plenty of nerve. Some children were playing round the fire, and +they welcomed me and made much of me. It was a new sensation to me, +and I stayed there. I thought the place a palace at the time. + +"'I might have gone on thinking so if it had not been that, passing +through the village one day, I happened to catch sight of a room +behind a shop. There was a carpet on the floor, and a rug before +the fire. I had never known till then that there were such luxuries +in the world. I determined to make that shop my home, and I did +so.' + +"'How did you manage it?' asked the black cat, who was growing +interested. + +"'By the simple process of walking in and sitting down. My dear +child, cheek's the "Open sesame" to every door. The cat that works +hard dies of starvation, the cat that has brains is kicked +downstairs for a fool, and the cat that has virtue is drowned for a +scamp; but the cat that has cheek sleeps on a velvet cushion and +dines on cream and horseflesh. I marched straight in and rubbed +myself against the old man's legs. He and his wife were quite taken +with what they called my "trustfulness," and adopted me with +enthusiasm. Strolling about the fields of an evening I often used +to hear the children of the cottage calling my name. It was weeks +before they gave up seeking for me. One of them, the youngest, +would sob herself to sleep of a night, thinking that I was dead: +they were affectionate children. + +"'I boarded with my shopkeeping friends for nearly a year, and from +them I went to some new people who had lately come to the +neighbourhood, and who possessed a really excellent cook. I think I +could have been very satisfied with these people, but, +unfortunately, they came down in the world, and had to give up the +big house and the cook, and take a cottage, and I did not care to go +back to that sort of life. + +"'Accordingly I looked about for a fresh opening. There was a +curious old fellow who lived not far off. People said he was rich, +but nobody liked him. He was shaped differently from other men. I +turned the matter over in my mind for a day or two, and then +determined to give him a trial. Being a lonely sort of man, he +might make a fuss over me, and if not I could go. + +"'My surmise proved correct. I have never been more petted than I +was by "Toady," as the village boys had dubbed him. My present +guardian is foolish enough over me, goodness knows, but she has +other ties, while "Toady" had nothing else to love, not even +himself. He could hardly believe his eyes at first when I jumped up +on his knees and rubbed myself against his ugly face. "Why, Kitty," +he said, "do you know you're the first living thing that has ever +come to me of its own accord." There were tears in his funny little +red eyes as he said that. + +"'I remained two years with "Toady," and was very happy indeed. +Then he fell ill, and strange people came to the house, and I was +neglected. "Toady" liked me to come up and lie upon the bed, where +he could stroke me with his long, thin hand, and at first I used to +do this. But a sick man is not the best of company, as you can +imagine, and the atmosphere of a sick room not too healthy, so, all +things considered, I felt it was time for me to make a fresh move. + +"'I had some difficulty in getting away. "Toady" was always asking +for me, and they tried to keep me with him: he seemed to lie easier +when I was there. I succeeded at length, however, and, once outside +the door, I put sufficient distance between myself and the house to +ensure my not being captured, for I knew "Toady" so long as he lived +would never cease hoping to get me back. + +"'Where to go, I did not know. Two or three homes were offered me, +but none of them quite suited me. At one place, where I put up for +a day, just to see how I liked it, there was a dog; and at another, +which would otherwise have done admirably, they kept a baby. +Whatever you do, never stop at a house where they keep a baby. If a +child pulls your tail or ties a paper bag round your head, you can +give it one for itself and nobody blames you. "Well, serve you +right," they say to the yelling brat, "you shouldn't tease the poor +thing." But if you resent a baby's holding you by the throat and +trying to gouge out your eye with a wooden ladle, you are called a +spiteful beast, and "shoo'd" all round the garden. If people keep +babies, they don't keep me; that's my rule. + +"'After sampling some three or four families, I finally fixed upon a +banker. Offers more advantageous from a worldly point of view were +open to me. I could have gone to a public-house, where the victuals +were simply unlimited, and where the back door was left open all +night. But about the banker's (he was also a churchwarden, and his +wife never smiled at anything less than a joke by the bishop) there +was an atmosphere of solid respectability that I felt would be +comforting to my nature. My dear child, you will come across cynics +who will sneer at respectability: don't you listen to them. +Respectability is its own reward--and a very real and practical +reward. It may not bring you dainty dishes and soft beds, but it +brings you something better and more lasting. It brings you the +consciousness that you are living the right life, that you are doing +the right thing, that, so far as earthly ingenuity can fix it, you +are going to the right place, and that other folks ain't. Don't you +ever let any one set you against respectability. It's the most +satisfying thing I know of in this world--and about the cheapest. + +"'I was nearly three years with this family, and was sorry when I +had to go. I should never have left if I could have helped it, but +one day something happened at the bank which necessitated the +banker's taking a sudden journey to Spain, and, after that, the +house became a somewhat unpleasant place to live in. Noisy, +disagreeable people were continually knocking at the door and making +rows in the passage; and at night folks threw bricks at the windows. + +"'I was in a delicate state of health at the time, and my nerves +could not stand it. I said good-bye to the town, and making my way +back into the country, put up with a county family. + +"'They were great swells, but I should have preferred them had they +been more homely. I am of an affectionate disposition, and I like +every one about me to love me. They were good enough to me in their +distant way, but they did not take much notice of me, and I soon got +tired of lavishing attentions on people that neither valued nor +responded to them. + +"'From these people I went to a retired potato merchant. It was a +social descent, but a rise so far as comfort and appreciation were +concerned. They appeared to be an exceedingly nice family, and to +be extremely fond of me. I say they "appeared" to be these things, +because the sequel proved that they were neither. Six months after +I had come to them they went away and left me. They never asked me +to accompany them. They made no arrangements for me to stay behind. +They evidently did not care what became of me. Such egotistical +indifference to the claims of friendship I had never before met +with. It shook my faith--never too robust--in human nature. I +determined that, in future, no one should have the opportunity of +disappointing my trust in them. I selected my present mistress on +the recommendation of a gentleman friend of mine who had formerly +lived with her. He said she was an excellent caterer. The only +reason he had left her was that she expected him to be in at ten +each night, and that hour didn't fit in with his other arrangements. +It made no difference to me--as a matter of fact, I do not care for +these midnight reunions that are so popular amongst us. There are +always too many cats for one properly to enjoy oneself, and sooner +or later a rowdy element is sure to creep in. I offered myself to +her, and she accepted me gratefully. But I have never liked her, +and never shall. She is a silly old woman, and bores me. She is, +however, devoted to me, and, unless something extra attractive turns +up, I shall stick to her. + +"'That, my dear, is the story of my life, so far as it has gone. I +tell it you to show you how easy it is to be "taken in." Fix on +your house, and mew piteously at the back door. When it is opened +run in and rub yourself against the first leg you come across. Rub +hard, and look up confidingly. Nothing gets round human beings, I +have noticed, quicker than confidence. They don't get much of it, +and it pleases them. Always be confiding. At the same time be +prepared for emergencies. If you are still doubtful as to your +reception, try and get yourself slightly wet. Why people should +prefer a wet cat to a dry one I have never been able to understand; +but that a wet cat is practically sure of being taken in and gushed +over, while a dry cat is liable to have the garden hose turned upon +it, is an undoubted fact. Also, if you can possibly manage it, and +it is offered you, eat a bit of dry bread. The Human Race is always +stirred to its deepest depths by the sight of a cat eating a bit of +dry bread.' + +"My friend's black Tom profited by the Chinchilla's wisdom. A +catless couple had lately come to live next door. He determined to +adopt them on trial. Accordingly, on the first rainy day, he went +out soon after lunch and sat for four hours in an open field. In +the evening, soaked to the skin, and feeling pretty hungry, he went +mewing to their door. One of the maids opened it, he rushed under +her skirts and rubbed himself against her legs. She screamed, and +down came the master and the mistress to know what was the matter. + +"'It's a stray cat, mum,' said the girl. + +"'Turn it out,' said the master. + +"'Oh no, don't,' said the mistress. + +"'Oh, poor thing, it's wet,' said the housemaid. + +"'Perhaps it's hungry,' said the cook. + +"'Try it with a bit of dry bread,' sneered the master, who wrote for +the newspapers, and thought he knew everything. + +"A stale crust was proffered. The cat ate it greedily, and +afterwards rubbed himself gratefully against the man's light +trousers. + +"This made the man ashamed of himself, likewise of his trousers. +'Oh, well, let it stop if it wants to,' he said. + +"So the cat was made comfortable, and stayed on. + +"Meanwhile its own family were seeking for it high and low. They +had not cared over much for it while they had had it; now it was +gone, they were inconsolable. In the light of its absence, it +appeared to them the one thing that had made the place home. The +shadows of suspicion gathered round the case. The cat's +disappearance, at first regarded as a mystery, began to assume the +shape of a crime. The wife openly accused the husband of never +having liked the animal, and more than hinted that he and the +gardener between them could give a tolerably truthful account of its +last moments; an insinuation that the husband repudiated with a +warmth that only added credence to the original surmise. + +"The bull-terrier was had up and searchingly examined. Fortunately +for him, he had not had a single fight for two whole days. Had any +recent traces of blood been detected upon him, it would have gone +hard with him. + +"The person who suffered most, however, was the youngest boy. Three +weeks before, he had dressed the cat in doll's clothes and taken it +round the garden in the perambulator. He himself had forgotten the +incident, but Justice, though tardy, was on his track. The misdeed +was suddenly remembered at the very moment when unavailing regret +for the loss of the favourite was at its deepest, so that to box his +ears and send him, then and there, straight off to bed was felt to +be a positive relief. + +"At the end of a fortnight, the cat, finding he had not, after all, +bettered himself, came back. The family were so surprised that at +first they could not be sure whether he was flesh and blood, or a +spirit come to comfort them. After watching him eat half a pound of +raw steak, they decided he was material, and caught him up and +hugged him to their bosoms. For a week they over-fed him and made +much of him. Then, the excitement cooling, he found himself +dropping back into his old position, and didn't like it, and went +next door again. + +"The next door people had also missed him, and they likewise greeted +his return with extravagant ebullitions of joy. This gave the cat +an idea. He saw that his game was to play the two families off one +against the other; which he did. He spent an alternate fortnight +with each, and lived like a fighting cock. His return was always +greeted with enthusiasm, and every means were adopted to induce him +to stay. His little whims were carefully studied, his favourite +dishes kept in constant readiness. + +"The destination of his goings leaked out at length, and then the +two families quarrelled about him over the fence. My friend accused +the newspaper man of having lured him away. The newspaper man +retorted that the poor creature had come to his door wet and +starving, and added that he would be ashamed to keep an animal +merely to ill-treat it. They have a quarrel about him twice a week +on the average. It will probably come to blows one of these days." + +Jephson appeared much surprised by this story. He remained +thoughtful and silent. I asked him if he would like to hear any +more, and as he offered no active opposition I went on. (Maybe he +was asleep; that idea did not occur to me at the time.) + +I told him of my grandmother's cat, who, after living a blameless +life for upwards of eleven years, and bringing up a family of +something like sixty-six, not counting those that died in infancy +and the water-butt, took to drink in her old age, and was run over +while in a state of intoxication (oh, the justice of it! ) by a +brewer's dray. I have read in temperance tracts that no dumb animal +will touch a drop of alcoholic liquor. My advice is, if you wish to +keep them respectable, don't give them a chance to get at it. I +knew a pony-- But never mind him; we are talking about my +grandmother's cat. + +A leaky beer-tap was the cause of her downfall. A saucer used to be +placed underneath it to catch the drippings. One day the cat, +coming in thirsty, and finding nothing else to drink, lapped up a +little, liked it, and lapped a little more, went away for half an +hour, and came back and finished the saucerful. Then sat down +beside it, and waited for it to fill again. + +From that day till the hour she died, I don't believe that cat was +ever once quite sober. Her days she passed in a drunken stupor +before the kitchen fire. Her nights she spent in the beer cellar. + +My grandmother, shocked and grieved beyond expression, gave up her +barrel and adopted bottles. The cat, thus condemned to enforced +abstinence, meandered about the house for a day and a half in a +disconsolate, quarrelsome mood. Then she disappeared, returning at +eleven o'clock as tight as a drum. + +Where she went, and how she managed to procure the drink, we never +discovered; but the same programme was repeated every day. Some +time during the morning she would contrive to elude our vigilance +and escape; and late every evening she would come reeling home +across the fields in a condition that I will not sully my pen by +attempting to describe. + +It was on Saturday night that she met the sad end to which I have +before alluded. She must have been very drunk, for the man told us +that, in consequence of the darkness, and the fact that his horses +were tired, he was proceeding at little more than a snail's pace. + +I think my grandmother was rather relieved than otherwise. She had +been very fond of the cat at one time, but its recent conduct had +alienated her affection. We children buried it in the garden under +the mulberry tree, but the old lady insisted that there should be no +tombstone, not even a mound raised. So it lies there, unhonoured, +in a drunkard's grave. + +I also told him of another cat our family had once possessed. She +was the most motherly thing I have ever known. She was never happy +without a family. Indeed, I cannot remember her when she hadn't a +family in one stage or another. She was not very particular what +sort of a family it was. If she could not have kittens, then she +would content herself with puppies or rats. Anything that she could +wash and feed seemed to satisfy her. I believe she would have +brought up chickens if we had entrusted them to her. + +All her brains must have run to motherliness, for she hadn't much +sense. She could never tell the difference between her own children +and other people's. She thought everything young was a kitten. We +once mixed up a spaniel puppy that had lost its own mother among her +progeny. I shall never forget her astonishment when it first +barked. She boxed both its ears, and then sat looking down at it +with an expression of indignant sorrow that was really touching. + +"You're going to be a credit to your mother," she seemed to be +saying "you're a nice comfort to any one's old age, you are, making +a row like that. And look at your ears flopping all over your face. +I don't know where you pick up such ways." + +He was a good little dog. He did try to mew, and he did try to wash +his face with his paw, and to keep his tail still, but his success +was not commensurate with his will. I do not know which was the +sadder to reflect upon, his efforts to become a creditable kitten, +or his foster-mother's despair of ever making him one. + +Later on we gave her a baby squirrel to rear. She was nursing a +family of her own at the time, but she adopted him with enthusiasm, +under the impression that he was another kitten, though she could +not quite make out how she had come to overlook him. He soon became +her prime favourite. She liked his colour, and took a mother's +pride in his tail. What troubled her was that it would cock up over +his head. She would hold it down with one paw, and lick it by the +half-hour together, trying to make it set properly. But the moment +she let it go up it would cock again. I have heard her cry with +vexation because of this. + +One day a neighbouring cat came to see her, and the squirrel was +clearly the subject of their talk. + +"It's a good colour," said the friend, looking critically at the +supposed kitten, who was sitting up on his haunches combing his +whiskers, and saying the only truthfully pleasant thing about him +that she could think of. + +"He's a lovely colour," exclaimed our cat proudly. + +"I don't like his legs much," remarked the friend. + +"No," responded his mother thoughtfully, "you're right there. His +legs are his weak point. I can't say I think much of his legs +myself." + +"Maybe they'll fill out later on," suggested the friend, kindly. + +"Oh, I hope so," replied the mother, regaining her momentarily +dashed cheerfulness. "Oh yes, they'll come all right in time. And +then look at his tail. Now, honestly, did you ever see a kitten +with a finer tail?" + +"Yes, it's a good tail," assented the other; "but why do you do it +up over his head?" + +"I don't," answered our cat. "It goes that way. I can't make it +out. I suppose it will come straight as he gets older." + +"It will be awkward if it don't," said the friend. + +"Oh, but I'm sure it will," replied our cat. "I must lick it more. +It's a tail that wants a good deal of licking, you can see that." + +And for hours that afternoon, after the other cat had gone, she sat +trimming it; and, at the end, when she lifted her paw off it, and it +flew back again like a steel spring over the squirrel's head, she +sat and gazed at it with feelings that only those among my readers +who have been mothers themselves will be able to comprehend. + +"What have I done," she seemed to say--"what have I done that this +trouble should come upon me?" + +Jephson roused himself on my completion of this anecdote and sat up. + +"You and your friends appear to have been the possessors of some +very remarkable cats," he observed. + +"Yes," I answered, "our family has been singularly fortunate in its +cats." + +"Singularly so," agreed Jephson; "I have never met but one man from +whom I have heard more wonderful cat talk than, at one time or +another, I have from you." + +"Oh," I said, not, perhaps without a touch of jealousy in my voice, +"and who was he?" + +"He was a seafaring man," replied Jephson. "I met him on a +Hampstead tram, and we discussed the subject of animal sagacity. + +"'Yes, sir,' he said, 'monkeys is cute. I've come across monkeys as +could give points to one or two lubbers I've sailed under; and +elephants is pretty spry, if you can believe all that's told of 'em. +I've heard some tall tales about elephants. And, of course, dogs +has their heads screwed on all right: I don't say as they ain't. +But what I do say is: that for straightfor'ard, level-headed +reasoning, give me cats. You see, sir, a dog, he thinks a powerful +deal of a man--never was such a cute thing as a man, in a dog's +opinion; and he takes good care that everybody knows it. Naturally +enough, we says a dog is the most intellectual animal there is. Now +a cat, she's got her own opinion about human beings. She don't say +much, but you can tell enough to make you anxious not to hear the +whole of it. The consequence is, we says a cat's got no +intelligence. That's where we let our prejudice steer our judgment +wrong. In a matter of plain common sense, there ain't a cat living +as couldn't take the lee side of a dog and fly round him. Now, have +you ever noticed a dog at the end of a chain, trying to kill a cat +as is sitting washing her face three-quarters of an inch out of his +reach? Of course you have. Well, who's got the sense out of those +two? The cat knows that it ain't in the nature of steel chains to +stretch. The dog, who ought, you'd think, to know a durned sight +more about 'em than she does, is sure they will if you only bark +loud enough. + +"'Then again, have you ever been made mad by cats screeching in the +night, and jumped out of bed and opened the window and yelled at +them? Did they ever budge an inch for that, though you shrieked +loud enough to skeer the dead, and waved your arms about like a man +in a play? Not they. They've turned and looked at you, that's all. +"Yell away, old man," they've said, "we like to hear you: the more +the merrier." Then what have you done? Why, you've snatched up a +hair-brush, or a boot, or a candlestick, and made as if you'd throw +it at them. They've seen your attitude, they've seen the thing in +your hand, but they ain't moved a point. They knew as you weren't +going to chuck valuable property out of window with the chance of +getting it lost or spoiled. They've got sense themselves, and they +give you credit for having some. If you don't believe that's the +reason, you try showing them a lump of coal, or half a brick, next +time--something as they know you WILL throw. Before you're ready to +heave it, there won't be a cat within aim. + +"'Then as to judgment and knowledge of the world, why dogs are +babies to 'em. Have you ever tried telling a yarn before a cat, +sir?' + +"I replied that cats had often been present during anecdotal +recitals of mine, but that, hitherto, I had paid no particular +attention to their demeanour. + +"'Ah, well, you take an opportunity of doing so one day, sir,' +answered the old fellow; 'it's worth the experiment. If you're +telling a story before a cat, and she don't get uneasy during any +part of the narrative, you can reckon you've got hold of a thing as +it will be safe for you to tell to the Lord Chief Justice of +England. + +"'I've got a messmate,' he continued; 'William Cooley is his name. +We call him Truthful Billy. He's as good a seaman as ever trod +quarter-deck; but when he gets spinning yarns he ain't the sort of +man as I could advise you to rely upon. Well, Billy, he's got a +dog, and I've seen him sit and tell yarns before that dog that would +make a cat squirm out of its skin, and that dog's taken 'em in and +believed 'em. One night, up at his old woman's, Bill told us a yarn +by the side of which salt junk two voyages old would pass for spring +chicken. I watched the dog, to see how he would take it. He +listened to it from beginning to end with cocked ears, and never so +much as blinked. Every now and then he would look round with an +expression of astonishment or delight that seemed to say: +"Wonderful, isn't it!" "Dear me, just think of it!" "Did you +ever!" "Well, if that don't beat everything!" He was a chuckle- +headed dog; you could have told him anything. + +"'It irritated me that Bill should have such an animal about him to +encourage him, and when he had finished I said to him, "I wish you'd +tell that yarn round at my quarters one evening." + +"'Why?' said Bill. + +"'Oh, it's just a fancy of mine,' I says. I didn't tell him I was +wanting my old cat to hear it. + +"'Oh, all right,' says Bill, 'you remind me.' He loved yarning, +Billy did. + +"'Next night but one he slings himself up in my cabin, and I does +so. Nothing loth, off he starts. There was about half-a-dozen of +us stretched round, and the cat was sitting before the fire fussing +itself up. Before Bill had got fairly under weigh, she stops +washing and looks up at me, puzzled like, as much as to say, "What +have we got here, a missionary?" I signalled to her to keep quiet, +and Bill went on with his yarn. When he got to the part about the +sharks, she turned deliberately round and looked at him. I tell you +there was an expression of disgust on that cat's face as might have +made a travelling Cheap Jack feel ashamed of himself. It was that +human, I give you my word, sir, I forgot for the moment as the poor +animal couldn't speak. I could see the words that were on its lips: +"Why don't you tell us you swallowed the anchor?" and I sat on +tenter-hooks, fearing each instant that she would say them aloud. +It was a relief to me when she turned her back on Bill. + +"'For a few minutes she sat very still, and seemed to be wrestling +with herself like. I never saw a cat more set on controlling its +feelings, or that seemed to suffer more in silence. It made my +heart ache to watch it. + +"'At last Bill came to the point where he and the captain between +'em hold the shark's mouth open while the cabin-boy dives in head +foremost, and fetches up, undigested, the gold watch and chain as +the bo'sun was a-wearing when he fell overboard; and at that the old +cat giv'd a screech, and rolled over on her side with her legs in +the air. + +"'I thought at first the poor thing was dead, but she rallied after +a bit, and it seemed as though she had braced herself up to hear the +thing out. + +"'But a little further on, Bill got too much for her again, and this +time she owned herself beat. She rose up and looked round at us: +"You'll excuse me, gentlemen," she said--leastways that is what she +said if looks go for anything--"maybe you're used to this sort of +rubbish, and it don't get on your nerves. With me it's different. +I guess I've heard as much of this fool's talk as my constitution +will stand, and if it's all the same to you I'll get outside before +I'm sick." + +"'With that she walked up to the door, and I opened it for her, and +she went out. + +"'You can't fool a cat with talk same as you can a dog.'" + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + +Does man ever reform? Balzac says he doesn't. So far as my +experience goes, it agrees with that of Balzac--a fact the admirers +of that author are at liberty to make what use of they please. + +When I was young and accustomed to take my views of life from people +who were older than myself, and who knew better, so they said, I +used to believe that he did. Examples of "reformed characters" were +frequently pointed out to me--indeed, our village, situate a few +miles from a small seaport town, seemed to be peculiarly rich in +such. They were, from all accounts, including their own, persons +who had formerly behaved with quite unnecessary depravity, and who, +at the time I knew them, appeared to be going to equally +objectionable lengths in the opposite direction. They invariably +belonged to one of two classes, the low-spirited or the aggressively +unpleasant. They said, and I believed, that they were happy; but I +could not help reflecting how very sad they must have been before +they were happy. + +One of them, a small, meek-eyed old man with a piping voice, had +been exceptionally wild in his youth. What had been his special +villainy I could never discover. People responded to my inquiries +by saying that he had been "Oh, generally bad," and increased my +longing for detail by adding that little boys ought not to want to +know about such things. From their tone and manner I assumed that +he must have been a pirate at the very least, and regarded him with +awe, not unmingled with secret admiration. + +Whatever it was, he had been saved from it by his wife, a bony lady +of unprepossessing appearance, but irreproachable views. + +One day he called at our house for some purpose or other, and, being +left alone with him for a few minutes, I took the opportunity of +interviewing him personally on the subject. + +"You were very wicked once, weren't you?" I said, seeking by +emphasis on the "once" to mitigate what I felt might be the +disagreeable nature of the question. + +To my intense surprise, a gleam of shameful glory lit up his wizened +face, and a sound which I tried to think a sigh, but which sounded +like a chuckle, escaped his lips. + +"Ay," he replied; "I've been a bit of a spanker in my time." + +The term "spanker" in such connection puzzled me. I had been +hitherto led to regard a spanker as an eminently conscientious +person, especially where the short-comings of other people were +concerned; a person who laboured for the good of others. That the +word could also be employed to designate a sinful party was a +revelation to me. + +"But you are good now, aren't you?" I continued, dismissing further +reflection upon the etymology of "spanker" to a more fitting +occasion. + +"Ay, ay," he answered, his countenance resuming its customary aspect +of resigned melancholy. "I be a brand plucked from the burning, I +be. There beant much wrong wi' Deacon Sawyers, now." + +"And it was your wife that made you good, wasn't it?" I persisted, +determined, now that I had started this investigation, to obtain +confirmation at first hand on all points. + +At the mention of his wife his features became suddenly transformed. +Glancing hurriedly round, to make sure, apparently, that no one but +myself was within hearing, he leaned across and hissed these words +into my ear--I have never forgotten them, there was a ring of such +evident sincerity about them - + +"I'd like to skin her, I'd like to skin her alive." + +It struck me, even in the light of my then limited judgment, as an +unregenerate wish; and thus early my faith in the possibility of +man's reformation received the first of those many blows that have +resulted in shattering it. + +Nature, whether human or otherwise, was not made to be reformed. +You can develop, you can check, but you cannot alter it. + +You can take a small tiger and train it to sit on a hearthrug, and +to lap milk, and so long as you provide it with hearthrugs to lie on +and sufficient milk to drink, it will purr and behave like an +affectionate domestic pet. But it is a tiger, with all a tiger's +instincts, and its progeny to the end of all time will be tigers. + +In the same way, you can take an ape and develop it through a few +thousand generations until it loses its tail and becomes an +altogether superior ape. You can go on developing it through still +a few more thousands of generations until it gathers to itself out +of the waste vapours of eternity an intellect and a soul, by the aid +of which it is enabled to keep the original apish nature more or +less under control. + +But the ape is still there, and always will be, and every now and +again, when Constable Civilisation turns his back for a moment, as +during "Spanish Furies," or "September massacres," or Western mob +rule, it creeps out and bites and tears at quivering flesh, or +plunges its hairy arms elbow deep in blood, or dances round a +burning nigger. + +I knew a man once--or, rather, I knew of a man--who was a confirmed +drunkard. He became and continued a drunkard, not through weakness, +but through will. When his friends remonstrated with him, he told +them to mind their own business, and to let him mind his. If he saw +any reason for not getting drunk he would give it up. Meanwhile he +liked getting drunk, and he meant to get drunk as often as possible. + +He went about it deliberately, and did it thoroughly. For nearly +ten years, so it was reported, he never went to bed sober. This may +be an exaggeration--it would be a singular report were it not--but +it can be relied upon as sufficiently truthful for all practical +purposes. + +Then there came a day when he did see a reason for not getting +drunk. He signed no pledge, he took no oath. He said, "I will +never touch another drop of drink," and for twenty-six years he kept +his word. + +At the end of that time a combination of circumstances occurred that +made life troublesome to him, so that he desired to be rid of it +altogether. He was a man accustomed, when he desired a thing within +his reach, to stretch out his hand and take it. He reviewed the +case calmly, and decided to commit suicide. + +If the thing were to be done at all, it would be best, for reasons +that if set forth would make this a long story, that it should be +done that very night, and, if possible, before eleven o'clock, which +was the earliest hour a certain person could arrive from a certain +place. + +It was then four in the afternoon. He attended to some necessary +business, and wrote some necessary letters. This occupied him until +seven. He then called a cab and drove to a small hotel in the +suburbs, engaged a private room, and ordered up materials for the +making of the particular punch that had been the last beverage he +had got drunk on, six-and-twenty years ago. + +For three hours he sat there drinking steadily, with his watch +before him. At half-past ten he rang the bell, paid his bill, came +home, and cut his throat. + +For a quarter of a century people had been calling that man a +"reformed character." His character had not reformed one jot. The +craving for drink had never died. For twenty-six years he had, +being a great man, held it gripped by the throat. When all things +became a matter of indifference to him, he loosened his grasp, and +the evil instinct rose up within him as strong on the day he died as +on the day he forced it down. + +That is all a man can do, pray for strength to crush down the evil +that is in him, and to keep it held down day after day. I never +hear washy talk about "changed characters" and "reformed natures" +but I think of a sermon I once heard at a Wesleyan revivalist +meeting in the Black Country. + +"Ah! my friends, we've all of us got the devil inside us. I've got +him, you've got him," cried the preacher--he was an old man, with +long white hair and beard, and wild, fighting eyes. Most of the +preachers who came "reviving," as it was called, through that +district, had those eyes. Some of them needed "reviving" +themselves, in quite another sense, before they got clear out of it. +I am speaking now of more than thirty years ago. + +"Ah! so us have--so us have," came the response. + +"And you carn't get rid of him," continued the speaker. + +"Not of oursel's," ejaculated a fervent voice at the end of the +room, "but the Lord will help us." + +The old preacher turned on him almost fiercely:- + +"But th' Lord woan't," he shouted; "doan't 'ee reckon on that, lad. +Ye've got him an' ye've got ta keep him. Ye carn't get rid of him. +Th' Lord doan't mean 'ee to." + +Here there broke forth murmurs of angry disapproval, but the old +fellow went on, unheeding:- + +"It arn't good for 'ee to get rid of him. Ye've just got to hug him +tight. Doan't let him go. Hold him fast, and--LAM INTO HIM. I +tell 'ee it's good, healthy Christian exercise." + +We had been discussing the subject with reference to our hero. It +had been suggested by Brown as an unhackneyed idea, and one lending +itself, therefore, to comparative freshness of treatment, that our +hero should be a thorough-paced scamp. + +Jephson seconded the proposal, for the reason that it would the +better enable us to accomplish artistic work. He was of opinion +that we should be more sure of our ground in drawing a villain than +in attempting to portray a good man. + +MacShaughnassy thirded (if I may coin what has often appeared to me +to be a much-needed word) the motion with ardour. He was tired, he +said, of the crystal-hearted, noble-thinking young man of fiction. +Besides, it made bad reading for the "young person." It gave her +false ideas, and made her dissatisfied with mankind as he really is. + +And, thereupon, he launched forth and sketched us his idea of a +hero, with reference to whom I can only say that I should not like +to meet him on a dark night. + +Brown, our one earnest member, begged us to be reasonable, and +reminded us, not for the first time, and not, perhaps, altogether +unnecessarily, that these meetings were for the purpose of +discussing business, not of talking nonsense. + +Thus adjured, we attacked the subject conscientiously. + +Brown's idea was that the man should be an out-and-out blackguard, +until about the middle of the book, when some event should transpire +that would have the effect of completely reforming him. This +naturally brought the discussion down to the question with which I +have commenced this chapter: Does man ever reform? I argued in the +negative, and gave the reasons for my disbelief much as I have set +them forth here. MacShaughnassy, on the other hand, contended that +he did, and instanced the case of himself--a man who, in his early +days, so he asserted, had been a scatterbrained, impracticable +person, entirely without stability. + +I maintained that this was merely an example of enormous will-power +enabling a man to overcome and rise superior to the defects of +character with which nature had handicapped him. + +"My opinion of you," I said, "is that you are naturally a hopelessly +irresponsible, well-meaning ass. But," I continued quickly, seeing +his hand reaching out towards a complete Shakespeare in one volume +that lay upon the piano, "your mental capabilities are of such +extraordinary power that you can disguise this fact, and make +yourself appear a man of sense and wisdom." + +Brown agreed with me that in MacShaughnassy's case traces of the +former disposition were clearly apparent, but pleaded that the +illustration was an unfortunate one, and that it ought not to have +weight in the discussion. + +"Seriously speaking," said he, "don't you think that there are some +experiences great enough to break up and re-form a man's nature?" + +"To break up," I replied, "yes; but to re-form, no. Passing through +a great experience may shatter a man, or it may strengthen a man, +just as passing through a furnace may melt or purify metal, but no +furnace ever lit upon this earth can change a bar of gold into a bar +of lead, or a bar of lead into one of gold." + +I asked Jephson what he thought. He did not consider the bar of +gold simile a good one. He held that a man's character was not an +immutable element. He likened it to a drug--poison or elixir-- +compounded by each man for himself from the pharmacopoeia of all +things known to life and time, and saw no impossibility, though some +improbability, in the glass being flung aside and a fresh draught +prepared with pain and labour. + +"Well," I said, "let us put the case practically; did you ever know +a man's character to change?" + +"Yes," he answered, "I did know a man whose character seemed to me +to be completely changed by an experience that happened to him. It +may, as you say, only have been that he was shattered, or that the +lesson may have taught him to keep his natural disposition ever +under control. The result, in any case, was striking." + +We asked him to give us the history of the case, and he did so. + +"He was a friend of some cousins of mine," Jephson began, "people I +used to see a good deal of in my undergraduate days. When I met him +first he was a young fellow of twenty-six, strong mentally and +physically, and of a stern and stubborn nature that those who liked +him called masterful, and that those who disliked him--a more +numerous body--termed tyrannical. When I saw him three years later, +he was an old man of twenty-nine, gentle and yielding beyond the +border-line of weakness, mistrustful of himself and considerate of +others to a degree that was often unwise. Formerly, his anger had +been a thing very easily and frequently aroused. Since the change +of which I speak, I have never known the shade of anger to cross his +face but once. In the course of a walk, one day, we came upon a +young rough terrifying a small child by pretending to set a dog at +her. He seized the boy with a grip that almost choked him, and +administered to him a punishment that seemed to me altogether out of +proportion to the crime, brutal though it was. + +"I remonstrated with him when he rejoined me. + +"'Yes,' he replied apologetically; 'I suppose I'm a hard judge of +some follies.' And, knowing what his haunted eyes were looking at, +I said no more. + +"He was junior partner in a large firm of tea brokers in the City. +There was not much for him to do in the London office, and when, +therefore, as the result of some mortgage transactions, a South +Indian tea plantation fell into the hands of the firm, it was +suggested that he should go out and take the management of it. The +plan suited him admirably. He was a man in every way qualified to +lead a rough life; to face a by no means contemptible amount of +difficulty and danger, to govern a small army of native workers more +amenable to fear than to affection. Such a life, demanding thought +and action, would afford his strong nature greater interest and +enjoyment than he could ever hope to obtain amid the cramped +surroundings of civilisation. + +"Only one thing could in reason have been urged against the +arrangement, that thing was his wife. She was a fragile, delicate +girl, whom he had married in obedience to that instinct of +attraction towards the opposite which Nature, for the purpose of +maintaining her average, has implanted in our breasts--a timid, +meek-eyed creature, one of those women to whom death is less +terrible than danger, and fate easier to face than fear. Such women +have been known to run screaming from a mouse and to meet martyrdom +with heroism. They can no more keep their nerves from trembling +than an aspen tree can stay the quivering of its leaves. + +"That she was totally unfitted for, and would be made wretched by +the life to which his acceptance of the post would condemn her might +have readily occurred to him, had he stopped to consider for a +moment her feelings in the matter. But to view a question from any +other standpoint than his own was not his habit. That he loved her +passionately, in his way, as a thing belonging to himself, there can +be no doubt, but it was with the love that such men have for the dog +they will thrash, the horse they will spur to a broken back. To +consult her on the subject never entered his head. He informed her +one day of his decision and of the date of their sailing, and, +handing her a handsome cheque, told her to purchase all things +necessary to her, and to let him know if she needed more; and she, +loving him with a dog-like devotion that was not good for him, +opened her big eyes a little wider, but said nothing. She thought +much about the coming change to herself, however, and, when nobody +was by, she would cry softly; then, hearing his footsteps, would +hastily wipe away the traces of her tears, and go to meet him with a +smile. + +"Now, her timidity and nervousness, which at home had been a butt +for mere chaff, became, under the new circumstances of their life, a +serious annoyance to the man. A woman who seemed unable to repress +a scream whenever she turned and saw in the gloom a pair of piercing +eyes looking out at her from a dusky face, who was liable to drop +off her horse with fear at the sound of a wild beast's roar a mile +off, and who would turn white and limp with horror at the mere sight +of a snake, was not a companionable person to live with in the +neighbourhood of Indian jungles. + +"He himself was entirely without fear, and could not understand it. +To him it was pure affectation. He had a muddled idea, common to +men of his stamp, that women assume nervousness because they think +it pretty and becoming to them, and that if one could only convince +them of the folly of it they might be induced to lay it aside, in +the same way that they lay aside mincing steps and simpering voices. +A man who prided himself, as he did, upon his knowledge of horses, +might, one would think, have grasped a truer notion of the nature of +nervousness, which is a mere matter of temperament. But the man was +a fool. + +"The thing that vexed him most was her horror of snakes. He was +unblessed--or uncursed, whichever you may prefer--with imagination +of any kind. There was no special enmity between him and the seed +of the serpent. A creature that crawled upon its belly was no more +terrible to him than a creature that walked upon its legs; indeed, +less so, for he knew that, as a rule, there was less danger to be +apprehended from them. A reptile is only too eager at all times to +escape from man. Unless attacked or frightened, it will make no +onset. Most people are content to acquire their knowledge of this +fact from the natural history books. He had proved it for himself. +His servant, an old sergeant of dragoons, has told me that he has +seen him stop with his face six inches from the head of a hooded +cobra, and stand watching it through his eye-glass as it crawled +away from him, knowing that one touch of its fangs would mean death +from which there could be no possible escape. That any reasoning +being should be inspired with terror--sickening, deadly terror--by +such pitifully harmless things, seemed to him monstrous; and he +determined to try and cure her of her fear of them. + +"He succeeded in doing this eventually somewhat more thoroughly than +he had anticipated, but it left a terror in his own eyes that has +not gone out of them to this day, and that never will. + +"One evening, riding home through a part of the jungle not far from +his bungalow, he heard a soft, low hiss close to his ear, and, +looking up, saw a python swing itself from the branch of a tree and +make off through the long grass. He had been out antelope-shooting, +and his loaded rifle hung by his stirrup. Springing from the +frightened horse, he was just in time to get a shot at the creature +before it disappeared. He had hardly expected, under the +circumstances, to even hit it. By chance the bullet struck it at +the junction of the vertebrae with the head, and killed it +instantly. It was a well-marked specimen, and, except for the small +wound the bullet had made, quite uninjured. He picked it up, and +hung it across the saddle, intending to take it home and preserve +it. + +"Galloping along, glancing down every now and again at the huge, +hideous thing swaying and writhing in front of him almost as if +still alive, a brilliant idea occurred to him. He would use this +dead reptile to cure his wife of her fear of living ones. He would +fix matters so that she should see it, and think it was alive, and +be terrified by it; then he would show her that she had been +frightened by a mere dead thing, and she would feel ashamed of +herself, and be healed of her folly. It was the sort of idea that +would occur to a fool. + +"When he reached home, he took the dead snake into his smoking-room; +then, locking the door, the idiot set out his prescription. He +arranged the monster in a very natural and life-like position. It +appeared to be crawling from the open window across the floor, and +any one coming into the room suddenly could hardly avoid treading on +it. It was very cleverly done. + +"That finished, he picked out a book from the shelves, opened it, +and laid it face downward upon the couch. When he had completed all +things to his satisfaction he unlocked the door and came out, very +pleased with himself. + +"After dinner he lit a cigar and sat smoking a while in silence. + +"'Are you feeling tired?' he said to her at length, with a smile. + +"She laughed, and, calling him a lazy old thing, asked what it was +he wanted. + +"'Only my novel that I was reading. I left it in my den. Do you +mind? You will find it open on the couch.' + +"She sprang up and ran lightly to the door. + +"As she paused there for a moment to look back at him and ask the +name of the book, he thought how pretty and how sweet she was; and +for the first time a faint glimmer of the true nature of the thing +he was doing forced itself into his brain. + +"'Never mind,' he said, half rising, 'I'll--'; then, enamoured of +the brilliancy of his plan, checked himself; and she was gone. + +"He heard her footsteps passing along the matted passage, and smiled +to himself. He thought the affair was going to be rather amusing. +One finds it difficult to pity him even now when one thinks of it. + +"The smoking-room door opened and closed, and he still sat gazing +dreamily at the ash of his cigar, and smiling. + +"One moment, perhaps two passed, but the time seemed much longer. +The man blew the gray cloud from before his eyes and waited. Then +he heard what he had been expecting to hear--a piercing shriek. +Then another, which, expecting to hear the clanging of the distant +door and the scurrying back of her footsteps along the passage, +puzzled him, so that the smile died away from his lips. + +"Then another, and another, and another, shriek after shriek. + +"The native servant, gliding noiselessly about the room, laid down +the thing that was in his hand and moved instinctively towards the +door. The man started up and held him back. + +"'Keep where you are,' he said hoarsely. 'It is nothing. Your +mistress is frightened, that is all. She must learn to get over +this folly.' Then he listened again, and the shrieks ended with +what sounded curiously like a smothered laugh; and there came a +sudden silence. + +"And out of that bottomless silence, Fear for the first time in his +life came to the man, and he and the dusky servant looked at each +other with eyes in which there was a strange likeness; and by a +common instinct moved together towards the place where the silence +came from. + +"When the man opened the door he saw three things: one was the dead +python, lying where he had left it; the second was a live python, +its comrade apparently, slowly crawling round it; the third a +crushed, bloody heap in the middle of the floor. + +"He himself remembered nothing more until, weeks afterwards, he +opened his eyes in a darkened, unfamiliar place, but the native +servant, before he fled screaming from the house, saw his master +fling himself upon the living serpent and grasp it with his hands, +and when, later on, others burst into the room and caught him +staggering in their arms, they found the second python with its head +torn off. + +"That is the incident that changed the character of my man--if it be +changed," concluded Jephson. "He told it me one night as we sat on +the deck of the steamer, returning from Bombay. He did not spare +himself. He told me the story, much as I have told it to you, but +in an even, monotonous tone, free from emotion of any kind. I asked +him, when he had finished, how he could bear to recall it. + +"'Recall it!' he replied, with a slight accent of surprise; 'it is +always with me.'" + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +One day we spoke of crime and criminals. We had discussed the +possibility of a novel without a villain, but had decided that it +would be uninteresting. + +"It is a terribly sad reflection," remarked MacShaughnassy, +musingly; "but what a desperately dull place this earth would be if +it were not for our friends the bad people. Do you know," he +continued, "when I hear of folks going about the world trying to +reform everybody and make them good, I get positively nervous. Once +do away with sin, and literature will become a thing of the past. +Without the criminal classes we authors would starve." + +"I shouldn't worry," replied Jephson, drily; "one half mankind has +been 'reforming' the other half pretty steadily ever since the +Creation, yet there appears to be a fairly appreciable amount of +human nature left in it, notwithstanding. Suppressing sin is much +the same sort of task that suppressing a volcano would be--plugging +one vent merely opens another. Evil will last our time." + +"I cannot take your optimistic view of the case," answered +MacShaughnassy. "It seems to me that crime--at all events, +interesting crime--is being slowly driven out of our existence. +Pirates and highwaymen have been practically abolished. Dear old +'Smuggler Bill' has melted down his cutlass into a pint-can with a +false bottom. The pressgang that was always so ready to rescue our +hero from his approaching marriage has been disbanded. There's not +a lugger fit for the purposes of abduction left upon the coast. Men +settle their 'affairs of honour' in the law courts, and return home +wounded only in the pocket. Assaults on unprotected females are +confined to the slums, where heroes do not dwell, and are avenged by +the nearest magistrate. Your modern burglar is generally an out-of- +work green-grocer. His 'swag' usually consists of an overcoat and a +pair of boots, in attempting to make off with which he is captured +by the servant-girl. Suicides and murders are getting scarcer every +season. At the present rate of decrease, deaths by violence will be +unheard of in another decade, and a murder story will be laughed at +as too improbable to be interesting. A certain section of +busybodies are even crying out for the enforcement of the seventh +commandment. If they succeed authors will have to follow the advice +generally given to them by the critics, and retire from business +altogether. I tell you our means of livelihood are being filched +from us one by one. Authors ought to form themselves into a society +for the support and encouragement of crime." + +MacShaughnassy's leading intention in making these remarks was to +shock and grieve Brown, and in this object he succeeded. Brown is-- +or was, in those days--an earnest young man with an exalted--some +were inclined to say an exaggerated--view of the importance and +dignity of the literary profession. Brown's notion of the scheme of +Creation was that God made the universe so as to give the literary +man something to write about. I used at one time to credit Brown +with originality for this idea; but as I have grown older I have +learned that the theory is a very common and popular one in cultured +circles. + +Brown expostulated with MacShaughnassy. "You speak," he said, "as +though literature were the parasite of evil." + +"And what else is she?" replied the MacShaughnassy, with enthusiasm. +"What would become of literature without folly and sin? What is the +work of the literary man but raking a living for himself out of the +dust-heap of human woe? Imagine, if you can, a perfect world--a +world where men and women never said foolish things and never did +unwise ones; where small boys were never mischievous and children +never made awkward remarks; where dogs never fought and cats never +screeched; where wives never henpecked their husbands and mothers- +in-law never nagged; where men never went to bed in their boots and +sea-captains never swore; where plumbers understood their work and +old maids never dressed as girls; where niggers never stole chickens +and proud men were never sea-sick! where would be your humour and +your wit? Imagine a world where hearts were never bruised; where +lips were never pressed with pain; where eyes were never dim; where +feet were never weary; where stomachs were never empty! where would +be your pathos? Imagine a world where husbands never loved more +wives than one, and that the right one; where wives were never +kissed but by their husbands; where men's hearts were never black +and women's thoughts never impure; where there was no hating and no +envying; no desiring; no despairing! where would be your scenes of +passion, your interesting complications, your subtle psychological +analyses? My dear Brown, we writers--novelists, dramatists, poets-- +we fatten on the misery of our fellow-creatures. God created man +and woman, and the woman created the literary man when she put her +teeth into the apple. We came into the world under the shadow of +the serpent. We are special correspondents with the Devil's army. +We report his victories in our three-volume novels, his occasional +defeats in our five-act melodramas." + +"All of which is very true," remarked Jephson; "but you must +remember it is not only the literary man who traffics in misfortune. +The doctor, the lawyer, the preacher, the newspaper proprietor, the +weather prophet, will hardly, I should say, welcome the millennium. +I shall never forget an anecdote my uncle used to relate, dealing +with the period when he was chaplain of the Lincolnshire county +jail. One morning there was to be a hanging; and the usual little +crowd of witnesses, consisting of the sheriff, the governor, three +or four reporters, a magistrate, and a couple of warders, was +assembled in the prison. The condemned man, a brutal ruffian who +had been found guilty of murdering a young girl under exceptionally +revolting circumstances, was being pinioned by the hangman and his +assistant; and my uncle was employing the last few moments at his +disposal in trying to break down the sullen indifference the fellow +had throughout manifested towards both his crime and his fate. + +My uncle failing to make any impression upon him, the governor +ventured to add a few words of exhortation, upon which the man +turned fiercely on the whole of them. + +"'Go to hell,' he cried, 'with your snivelling jaw. Who are you, to +preach at me? YOU'RE glad enough I'm here--all of you. Why, I'm +the only one of you as ain't going to make a bit over this job. +Where would you all be, I should like to know, you canting swine, if +it wasn't for me and my sort? Why, it's the likes of me as KEEPS +the likes of you,' with which he walked straight to the gallows and +told the hangman to 'hurry up' and not keep the gentlemen waiting." + +"There was some 'grit' in that man," said MacShaughnassy. + +"Yes," added Jephson, "and wholesome wit also." + +MacShaughnassy puffed a mouthful of smoke over a spider which was +just about to kill a fly. This caused the spider to fall into the +river, from where a supper-hunting swallow quickly rescued him. + +"You remind me," he said, "of a scene I once witnessed in the office +of The Daily--well, in the office of a certain daily newspaper. It +was the dead season, and things were somewhat slow. An endeavour +had been made to launch a discussion on the question 'Are Babies a +Blessing?' The youngest reporter on the staff, writing over the +simple but touching signature of 'Mother of Six,' had led off with a +scathing, though somewhat irrelevant, attack upon husbands, as a +class; the Sporting Editor, signing himself 'Working Man,' and +garnishing his contribution with painfully elaborated orthographical +lapses, arranged to give an air of verisimilitude to the +correspondence, while, at the same time, not to offend the +susceptibilities of the democracy (from whom the paper derived its +chief support), had replied, vindicating the British father, and +giving what purported to be stirring midnight experiences of his +own. The Gallery Man, calling himself, with a burst of imagination, +'Gentleman and Christian,' wrote indignantly that he considered the +agitation of the subject to be both impious and indelicate, and +added he was surprised that a paper holding the exalted, and +deservedly popular, position of The--should have opened its columns +to the brainless vapourings of 'Mother of Six' and 'Working Man.' + +"The topic had, however, fallen flat. With the exception of one man +who had invented a new feeding-bottle, and thought he was going to +advertise it for nothing, the outside public did not respond, and +over the editorial department gloom had settled down. + +"One evening, as two or three of us were mooning about the stairs, +praying secretly for a war or a famine, Todhunter, the town +reporter, rushed past us with a cheer, and burst into the Sub- +editor's room. We followed. He was waving his notebook above his +head, and clamouring, after the manner of people in French +exercises, for pens, ink, and paper. + +"'What's up?' cried the Sub-editor, catching his enthusiasm; +'influenza again?' + +"'Better than that!' shouted Todhunter. 'Excursion steamer run +down, a hundred and twenty-five lives lost--four good columns of +heartrending scenes.' + +"'By Jove!' said the Sub, 'couldn't have happened at a better time +either'--and then he sat down and dashed off a leaderette, in which +he dwelt upon the pain and regret the paper felt at having to +announce the disaster, and drew attention to the exceptionally +harrowing account provided by the energy and talent of 'our special +reporter.'" + +"It is the law of nature," said Jephson: "we are not the first +party of young philosophers who have been struck with the fact that +one man's misfortune is another man's opportunity." + +"Occasionally, another woman's," I observed. + +I was thinking of an incident told me by a nurse. If a nurse in +fair practice does not know more about human nature--does not see +clearer into the souls of men and women than all the novelists in +little Bookland put together--it must be because she is physically +blind and deaf. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women +merely players; so long as we are in good health, we play our parts +out bravely to the end, acting them, on the whole, artistically and +with strenuousness, even to the extent of sometimes fancying +ourselves the people we are pretending to be. But with sickness +comes forgetfulness of our part, and carelessness of the impression +we are making upon the audience. We are too weak to put the paint +and powder on our faces, the stage finery lies unheeded by our side. +The heroic gestures, the virtuous sentiments are a weariness to us. +In the quiet, darkened room, where the foot-lights of the great +stage no longer glare upon us, where our ears are no longer strained +to catch the clapping or the hissing of the town, we are, for a +brief space, ourselves. + +This nurse was a quiet, demure little woman, with a pair of dreamy, +soft gray eyes that had a curious power of absorbing everything that +passed before them without seeming to look at anything. Gazing upon +much life, laid bare, had given to them a slightly cynical +expression, but there was a background of kindliness behind. + +During the evenings of my convalescence she would talk to me of her +nursing experiences. I have sometimes thought I would put down in +writing the stories that she told me, but they would be sad reading. +The majority of them, I fear, would show only the tangled, seamy +side of human nature, and God knows there is little need for us to +point that out to each other, though so many nowadays seem to think +it the only work worth doing. A few of them were sweet, but I think +they were the saddest; and over one or two a man might laugh, but it +would not be a pleasant laugh. + +"I never enter the door of a house to which I have been summoned," +she said to me one evening, "without wondering, as I step over the +threshold, what the story is going to be. I always feel inside a +sick-room as if I were behind the scenes of life. The people come +and go about you, and you listen to them talking and laughing, and +you look into your patient's eyes, and you just know that it's all a +play." + +The incident that Jephson's remark had reminded me of, she told me +one afternoon, as I sat propped up by the fire, trying to drink a +glass of port wine, and feeling somewhat depressed at discovering I +did not like it. + +"One of my first cases," she said, "was a surgical operation. I was +very young at the time, and I made rather an awkward mistake--I +don't mean a professional mistake--but a mistake nevertheless that I +ought to have had more sense than to make. + +"My patient was a good-looking, pleasant-spoken gentleman. The wife +was a pretty, dark little woman, but I never liked her from the +first; she was one of those perfectly proper, frigid women, who +always give me the idea that they were born in a church, and have +never got over the chill. However, she seemed very fond of him, and +he of her; and they talked very prettily to each other--too prettily +for it to be quite genuine, I should have said, if I'd known as much +of the world then as I do now. + +"The operation was a difficult and dangerous one. When I came on +duty in the evening I found him, as I expected, highly delirious. I +kept him as quiet as I could, but towards nine o'clock, as the +delirium only increased, I began to get anxious. I bent down close +to him and listened to his ravings. Over and over again I heard the +name 'Louise.' Why wouldn't 'Louise' come to him? It was so unkind +of her--they had dug a great pit, and were pushing him down into it- +-oh! why didn't she come and save him? He should be saved if she +would only come and take his hand. + +"His cries became so pitiful that I could bear them no longer. His +wife had gone to attend a prayer-meeting, but the church was only in +the next street. Fortunately, the day-nurse had not left the house: +I called her in to watch him for a minute, and, slipping on my +bonnet, ran across. I told my errand to one of the vergers and he +took me to her. She was kneeling, but I could not wait. I pushed +open the pew door, and, bending down, whispered to her, 'Please come +over at once; your husband is more delirious than I quite care +about, and you may be able to calm him.' + +"She whispered back, without raising her head, 'I'll be over in a +little while. The meeting won't last much longer.' + +"Her answer surprised and nettled me. 'You'll be acting more like a +Christian woman by coming home with me,' I said sharply, 'than by +stopping here. He keeps calling for you, and I can't get him to +sleep.' + +"She raised her head from her hands: 'Calling for me?' she asked, +with a slightly incredulous accent. + +"'Yes,' I replied, 'it has been his one cry for the last hour: +Where's Louise, why doesn't Louise come to him.' + +"Her face was in shadow, but as she turned it away, and the faint +light from one of the turned-down gas-jets fell across it, I fancied +I saw a smile upon it, and I disliked her more than ever. + +"'I'll come back with you,' she said, rising and putting her books +away, and we left the church together. + +"She asked me many questions on the way: Did patients, when they +were delirious, know the people about them? Did they remember +actual facts, or was their talk mere incoherent rambling? Could one +guide their thoughts in any way? + +"The moment we were inside the door, she flung off her bonnet and +cloak, and came upstairs quickly and softly. + +"She walked to the bedside, and stood looking down at him, but he +was quite unconscious of her presence, and continued muttering. I +suggested that she should speak to him, but she said she was sure it +would be useless, and drawing a chair back into the shadow, sat down +beside him. + +"Seeing she was no good to him, I tried to persuade her to go to +bed, but she said she would rather stop, and I, being little more +than a girl then, and without much authority, let her. All night +long he tossed and raved, the one name on his lips being ever +Louise--Louise--and all night long that woman sat there in the +shadow, never moving, never speaking, with a set smile on her lips +that made me long to take her by the shoulders and shake her. + +"At one time he imagined himself back in his courting days, and +pleaded, 'Say you love me, Louise. I know you do. I can read it in +your eyes. What's the use of our pretending? We KNOW each other. +Put your white arms about me. Let me feel your breath upon my neck. +Ah! I knew it, my darling, my love!' + +"The whole house was deadly still, and I could hear every word of +his troubled ravings. I almost felt as if I had no right to be +there, listening to them, but my duty held me. Later on, he fancied +himself planning a holiday with her, so I concluded. 'I shall start +on Monday evening,' he was saying, and you can join me in Dublin at +Jackson's Hotel on the Wednesday, and we'll go straight on.' + +"His voice grew a little faint, and his wife moved forward on her +chair, and bent her head closer to his lips. + +"'No, no,' he continued, after a pause, 'there's no danger whatever. +It's a lonely little place, right in the heart of the Galway +Mountains--O'Mullen's Half-way House they call it--five miles from +Ballynahinch. We shan't meet a soul there. We'll have three weeks +of heaven all to ourselves, my goddess, my Mrs. Maddox from Boston-- +don't forget the name.' + +"He laughed in his delirium; and the woman, sitting by his side, +laughed also; and then the truth flashed across me. + +"I ran up to her and caught her by the arm. 'Your name's not +Louise,' I said, looking straight at her. It was an impertinent +interference, but I felt excited, and acted on impulse. + +"'No,' she replied, very quietly; 'but it's the name of a very dear +school friend of mine. I've got the clue to-night that I've been +waiting two years to get. Good-night, nurse, thanks for fetching +me.' + +"She rose and went out, and I listened to her footsteps going down +the stairs, and then drew up the blind and let in the dawn. + +"I've never told that incident to any one until this evening," my +nurse concluded, as she took the empty port wine glass out of my +hand, and stirred the fire. "A nurse wouldn't get many engagements +if she had the reputation for making blunders of that sort." + +Another story that she told me showed married life more lovelit, but +then, as she added, with that cynical twinkle which glinted so oddly +from her gentle, demure eyes, this couple had only very recently +been wed--had, in fact, only just returned from their honeymoon. + +They had been travelling on the Continent, and there had both +contracted typhoid fever, which showed itself immediately on their +home-coming. + +"I was called in to them on the very day of their arrival," she +said; "the husband was the first to take to his bed, and the wife +followed suit twelve hours afterwards. We placed them in adjoining +rooms, and, as often as was possible, we left the door ajar so that +they could call out to one another. + +"Poor things! They were little else than boy and girl, and they +worried more about each other than they thought about themselves. +The wife's only trouble was that she wouldn't be able to do anything +for 'poor Jack.' 'Oh, nurse, you will be good to him, won't you?' +she would cry, with her big childish eyes full of tears; and the +moment I went in to him it would be: 'Oh, don't trouble about me, +nurse, I'm all right. Just look after the wifie, will you?' + +"I had a hard time between the two of them, for, with the help of +her sister, I was nursing them both. It was an unprofessional thing +to do, but I could see they were not well off, and I assured the +doctor that I could manage. To me it was worth while going through +the double work just to breathe the atmosphere of unselfishness that +sweetened those two sick-rooms. The average invalid is not the +patient sufferer people imagine. It is a fretful, querulous, self- +pitying little world that we live in as a rule, and that we grow +hard in. It gave me a new heart, nursing these young people. + +"The man pulled through, and began steadily to recover, but the wife +was a wee slip of a girl, and her strength--what there was of it-- +ebbed day by day. As he got stronger he would call out more and +more cheerfully to her through the open door, and ask her how she +was getting on, and she would struggle to call back laughing +answers. It had been a mistake to put them next to each other, and +I blamed myself for having done so, but it was too late to change +then. All we could do was to beg her not to exhaust herself, and to +let us, when he called out, tell him she was asleep. But the +thought of not answering him or calling to him made her so wretched +that it seemed safer to let her have her way. + +"Her one anxiety was that he should not know how weak she was. 'It +will worry him so,' she would say; 'he is such an old fidget over +me. And I AM getting stronger, slowly; ain't I, nurse?' + +"One morning he called out to her, as usual, asking her how she was, +and she answered, though she had to wait for a few seconds to gather +strength to do so. He seemed to detect the effort, for he called +back anxiously, 'Are you SURE you're all right, dear?' + +"'Yes,' she replied, 'getting on famously. Why?' + +"'I thought your voice sounded a little weak, dear,' he answered; +'don't call out if it tries you.' + +"Then for the first time she began to worry about herself--not for +her own sake, but because of him. + +"'Do you think I AM getting weaker, nurse?' she asked me, fixing her +great eyes on me with a frightened look. + +"'You're making yourself weak by calling out,' I answered, a little +sharply. 'I shall have to keep that door shut.' + +"'Oh, don't tell him'--that was all her thought--'don't let him know +it. Tell him I'm strong, won't you, nurse? It will kill him if he +thinks I'm not getting well.' + +"I was glad when her sister came up, and I could get out of the +room, for you're not much good at nursing when you feel, as I felt +then, as though you had swallowed a tablespoon and it was sticking +in your throat. + +"Later on, when I went in to him, he drew me to the bedside, and +whispered me to tell him truly how she was. If you are telling a +lie at all, you may just as well make it a good one, so I told him +she was really wonderfully well, only a little exhausted after the +illness, as was natural, and that I expected to have her up before +him. + +"Poor lad! that lie did him more good than a week's doctoring and +nursing; and next morning he called out more cheerily than ever to +her, and offered to bet her a new bonnet against a new hat that he +would race her, and be up first. + +"She laughed back quite merrily (I was in his room at the time). +'All right,' she said, 'you'll lose. I shall be well first, and I +shall come and visit you.' + +"Her laugh was so bright, and her voice sounded so much stronger, +that I really began to think she had taken a turn for the better, so +that when on going in to her I found her pillow wet with tears, I +could not understand it. + +"'Why, we were so cheerful just a minute ago,' I said; 'what's the +matter?' + +"'Oh, poor Jack!' she moaned, as her little, wasted fingers opened +and closed upon the counterpane. 'Poor Jack, it will break his +heart.' + +"It was no good my saying anything. There comes a moment when +something tells your patient all that is to be known about the case, +and the doctor and the nurse can keep their hopeful assurances for +where they will be of more use. The only thing that would have +brought comfort to her then would have been to convince her that he +would soon forget her and be happy without her. I thought it at the +time, and I tried to say something of the kind to her, but I +couldn't get it out, and she wouldn't have believed me if I had. + +"So all I could do was to go back to the other room, and tell him +that I wanted her to go to sleep, and that he must not call out to +her until I told him. + +"She lay very still all day. The doctor came at his usual hour and +looked at her. He patted her hand, and just glanced at the +untouched food beside her. + +"'Yes,' he said, quietly. 'I shouldn't worry her, nurse.' And I +understood. + +"Towards evening she opened her eyes, and beckoned to her sister, +who was standing by the bedside, to bend down. + +"'Jeanie,' she whispered, 'do you think it wrong to deceive any one +when it's for their own good?' + +"'I don't know,' said the girl, in a dry voice; 'I shouldn't think +so. Why do you ask?' + +"'Jeanie, your voice was always very much like mine--do you +remember, they used to mistake us at home. Jeanie, call out for me- +-just till--till he's a bit better; promise me.' + +"They had loved each other, those two, more than is common among +sisters. Jeanie could not answer, but she pressed her sister closer +in her arms, and the other was satisfied. + +"Then, drawing all her little stock of life together for one final +effort, the child raised herself in her sister's arms. + +"'Good-night, Jack,' she called out, loud and clear enough to be +heard through the closed door. + +"'Good-night, little wife,' he cried back, cheerily; 'are you all +right?' + +"'Yes, dear. Good-night.' + +"Her little, worn-out frame dropped back upon the bed, and the next +thing I remember is snatching up a pillow, and holding it tight- +pressed against Jeanie's face for fear the sound of her sobs should +penetrate into the next room; and afterwards we both got out, +somehow, by the other door, and rushed downstairs, and clung to each +other in the back kitchen. + +"How we two women managed to keep up the deceit, as, for three whole +days, we did, I shall never myself know. Jeanie sat in the room +where her dead sister, from its head to its sticking-up feet, lay +outlined under the white sheet; and I stayed beside the living man, +and told lies and acted lies, till I took a joy in them, and had to +guard against the danger of over-elaborating them. + +"He wondered at what he thought my 'new merry mood,' and I told him +it was because of my delight that his wife was out of danger; and +then I went on for the pure devilment of the thing, and told him +that a week ago, when we had let him think his wife was growing +stronger, we had been deceiving him; that, as a matter of fact, she +was at that time in great peril, and I had been in hourly alarm +concerning her, but that now the strain was over, and she was safe; +and I dropped down by the foot of the bed, and burst into a fit of +laughter, and had to clutch hold of the bedstead to keep myself from +rolling on the floor. + +"He had started up in bed with a wild white face when Jeanie had +first answered him from the other room, though the sisters' voices +had been so uncannily alike that I had never been able to +distinguish one from the other at any time. I told him the slight +change was the result of the fever, that his own voice also was +changed a little, and that such was always the case with a person +recovering from a long illness. To guide his thoughts away from the +real clue, I told him Jeanie had broken down with the long work, and +that, the need for her being past, I had packed her off into the +country for a short rest. That afternoon we concocted a letter to +him, and I watched Jeanie's eyes with a towel in my hand while she +wrote it, so that no tears should fall on it, and that night she +travelled twenty miles down the Great Western line to post it, +returning by the next up-train. + +"No suspicion of the truth ever occurred to him, and the doctor +helped us out with our deception; yet his pulse, which day by day +had been getting stronger, now beat feebler every hour. In that +part of the country where I was born and grew up, the folks say that +wherever the dead lie, there round about them, whether the time be +summer or winter, the air grows cold and colder, and that no fire, +though you pile the logs half-way up the chimney, will ever make it +warm. A few months' hospital training generally cures one of all +fanciful notions about death, but this idea I have never been able +to get rid of. My thermometer may show me sixty, and I may try to +believe that the temperature IS sixty, but if the dead are beside me +I feel cold to the marrow of my bones. I could SEE the chill from +the dead room crawling underneath the door, and creeping up about +his bed, and reaching out its hand to touch his heart. + +"Jeanie and I redoubled our efforts, for it seemed to us as if Death +were waiting just outside in the passage, watching with his eye at +the keyhole for either of us to make a blunder and let the truth +slip out. I hardly ever left his side except now and again to go +into that next room, and poke an imaginary fire, and say a few +chaffing words to an imaginary living woman on the bed where the +dead one lay; and Jeanie sat close to the corpse, and called out +saucy messages to him, or reassuring answers to his anxious +questions. + +"At times, knowing that if we stopped another moment in these rooms +we should scream, we would steal softly out and rush downstairs, +and, shutting ourselves out of hearing in a cellar underneath the +yard, laugh till we reeled against the dirty walls. I think we were +both getting a little mad. + +"One day--it was the third of that nightmare life, so I learned +afterwards, though for all I could have told then it might have been +the three hundredth, for Time seemed to have fled from that house as +from a dream, so that all things were tangled--I made a slip that +came near to ending the matter, then and there. + +"I had gone into that other room. Jeanie had left her post for a +moment, and the place was empty. + +"I did not think what I was doing. I had not closed my eyes that I +can remember since the wife had died, and my brain and my senses +were losing their hold of one another. I went through my usual +performance of talking loudly to the thing underneath the white +sheet, and noisily patting the pillows and rattling the bottles on +the table. + +"On my return, he asked me how she was, and I answered, half in a +dream, 'Oh, bonny, she's trying to read a little,' and he raised +himself on his elbow and called out to her, and for answer there +came back silence--not the silence that IS silence, but the silence +that is as a voice. I do not know if you understand what I mean by +that. If you had lived among the dead as long as I have, you would +know. + +"I darted to the door and pretended to look in. 'She's fallen +asleep,' I whispered, closing it; and he said nothing, but his eyes +looked queerly at me. + +"That night, Jeanie and I stood in the hall talking. He had fallen +to sleep early, and I had locked the door between the two rooms, and +put the key in my pocket, and had stolen down to tell her what had +happened, and to consult with her. + +"'What can we do! God help us, what can we do!' was all that Jeanie +could say. We had thought that in a day or two he would be +stronger, and that the truth might be broken to him. But instead of +that he had grown so weak, that to excite his suspicions now by +moving him or her would be to kill him. + +"We stood looking blankly in each other's faces, wondering how the +problem could be solved; and while we did so the problem solved +itself. + +"The one woman-servant had gone out, and the house was very silent-- +so silent that I could hear the ticking of Jeanie's watch inside her +dress. Suddenly, into the stillness there came a sound. It was not +a cry. It came from no human voice. I have heard the voice of +human pain till I know its every note, and have grown careless to +it; but I have prayed God on my knees that I may never hear that +sound again, for it was the sob of a soul. + +"It wailed through the quiet house and passed away, and neither of +us stirred. + +"At length, with the return of the blood to our veins, we went +upstairs together. He had crept from his own room along the passage +into hers. He had not had strength enough to pull the sheet off, +though he had tried. He lay across the bed with one hand grasping +hers." + + +My nurse sat for a while without speaking, a somewhat unusual thing +for her to do. + +"You ought to write your experiences," I said. + +"Ah!" she said, giving the fire a contemplative poke, "if you'd seen +as much sorrow in the world as I have, you wouldn't want to write a +sad book." + +"I think," she added, after a long pause, with the poker still in +her hand, "it can only be the people who have never KNOWN suffering +who can care to read of it. If I could write a book, I should write +a merry book--a book that would make people laugh." + + + +CHAPTER IX + + + +The discussion arose in this way. I had proposed a match between +our villain and the daughter of the local chemist, a singularly +noble and pure-minded girl, the humble but worthy friend of the +heroine. + +Brown had refused his consent on the ground of improbability. "What +in thunder would induce him to marry HER?" he asked. + +"Love!" I replied; "love, that burns as brightly in the meanest +villain's breast as in the proud heart of the good young man." + +"Are you trying to be light and amusing," returned Brown, severely, +"or are you supposed to be discussing the matter seriously? What +attraction could such a girl have for such a man as Reuben Neil?" + +"Every attraction," I retorted. "She is the exact moral contrast to +himself. She is beautiful (if she's not beautiful enough, we can +touch her up a bit), and, when the father dies, there will be the +shop." + +"Besides," I added, "it will make the thing seem more natural if +everybody wonders what on earth could have been the reason for their +marrying each other." + +Brown wasted no further words on me, but turned to MacShaughnassy. + +"Can YOU imagine our friend Reuben seized with a burning desire to +marry Mary Holme?" he asked, with a smile. + +"Of course I can," said MacShaughnassy; "I can imagine anything, and +believe anything of anybody. It is only in novels that people act +reasonably and in accordance with what might be expected of them. I +knew an old sea-captain who used to read the Young Ladies' Journal +in bed, and cry over it. I knew a bookmaker who always carried +Browning's poems about with him in his pocket to study in the train. +I have known a Harley Street doctor to develop at forty-eight a +sudden and overmastering passion for switchbacks, and to spend every +hour he could spare from his practice at one or other of the +exhibitions, having three-pen'orths one after the other. I have +known a book-reviewer give oranges (not poisoned ones) to children. +A man is not a character, he is a dozen characters, one of them +prominent, the other eleven more or less undeveloped. I knew a man +once, two of whose characters were of equal value, and the +consequences were peculiar." + +We begged him to relate the case to us, and he did so. + +"He was a Balliol man," said MacShaughnassy, "and his Christian name +was Joseph. He was a member of the 'Devonshire' at the time I knew +him, and was, I think, the most superior person I have ever met. He +sneered at the Saturday Review as the pet journal of the suburban +literary club; and at the Athenaeum as the trade organ of the +unsuccessful writer. Thackeray, he considered, was fairly entitled +to his position of favourite author to the cultured clerk; and +Carlyle he regarded as the exponent of the earnest artisan. Living +authors he never read, but this did not prevent his criticising them +contemptuously. The only inhabitants of the nineteenth century that +he ever praised were a few obscure French novelists, of whom nobody +but himself had ever heard. He had his own opinion about God +Almighty, and objected to Heaven on account of the strong Clapham +contingent likely to be found in residence there. Humour made him +sad, and sentiment made him ill. Art irritated him and science +bored him. He despised his own family and disliked everybody else. +For exercise he yawned, and his conversation was mainly confined to +an occasional shrug. + +"Nobody liked him, but everybody respected him. One felt grateful +to him for his condescension in living at all. + +"One summer, I was fishing over the Norfolk Broads, and on the Bank +Holiday, thinking I would like to see the London 'Arry in his glory, +I ran over to Yarmouth. Walking along the sea-front in the evening, +I suddenly found myself confronted by four remarkably choice +specimens of the class. They were urging on their wild and erratic +career arm-in-arm. The one nearest the road was playing an +unusually wheezy concertina, and the other three were bawling out +the chorus of a music-hall song, the heroine of which appeared to be +'Hemmer.' + +They spread themselves right across the pavement, compelling all the +women and children they met to step into the roadway. I stood my +ground on the kerb, and as they brushed by me something in the face +of the one with the concertina struck me as familiar. + +"I turned and followed them. They were evidently enjoying +themselves immensely. To every girl they passed they yelled out, +'Oh, you little jam tart!' and every old lady they addressed as +'Mar.' The noisiest and the most vulgar of the four was the one +with the concertina. + +"I followed them on to the pier, and then, hurrying past, waited for +them under a gas-lamp. When the man with the concertina came into +the light and I saw him clearly I started. From the face I could +have sworn it was Joseph; but everything else about him rendered +such an assumption impossible. Putting aside the time and the +place, and forgetting his behaviour, his companions, and his +instrument, what remained was sufficient to make the suggestion +absurd. Joseph was always clean shaven; this youth had a smudgy +moustache and a pair of incipient red whiskers. He was dressed in +the loudest check suit I have ever seen, off the stage. He wore +patent-leather boots with mother-of-pearl buttons, and a necktie +that in an earlier age would have called down lightning out of +Heaven. He had a low-crowned billycock hat on his head, and a big +evil-smelling cigar between his lips. + +"Argue as I would, however, the face was the face of Joseph; and, +moved by a curiosity I could not control, I kept near him, watching +him. + +"Once, for a little while, I missed him; but there was not much fear +of losing that suit for long, and after a little looking about I +struck it again. He was sitting at the end of the pier, where it +was less crowded, with his arm round a girl's waist. I crept close. +She was a jolly, red-faced girl, good-looking enough, but common to +the last degree. Her hat lay on the seat beside her, and her head +was resting on his shoulder. She appeared to be fond of him, but he +was evidently bored. + +"'Don'tcher like me, Joe?' I heard her murmur. + +"'Yas,' he replied, somewhat unconvincingly, 'o' course I likes +yer.' + +"She gave him an affectionate slap, but he did not respond, and a +few minutes afterwards, muttering some excuse, he rose and left her, +and I followed him as he made his way towards the refreshment-room. +At the door he met one of his pals. + +"'Hullo!' was the question, 'wot 'a yer done wi' 'Liza?' + +"'Oh, I carn't stand 'er,' was his reply; 'she gives me the bloomin' +'ump. You 'ave a turn with 'er.' + +"His friend disappeared in the direction of 'Liza, and Joe pushed +into the room, I keeping close behind him. Now that he was alone I +was determined to speak to him. The longer I had studied his +features the more resemblance I had found in them to those of my +superior friend Joseph. + +"He was leaning across the bar, clamouring for two of gin, when I +tapped him on the shoulder. He turned his head, and the moment he +saw me, his face went livid. + +"'Mr. Joseph Smythe, I believe,' I said with a smile. + +"'Who's Mr. Joseph Smythe?' he answered hoarsely; 'my name's Smith, +I ain't no bloomin' Smythe. Who are you? I don't know yer.' + +"As he spoke, my eyes rested upon a curious gold ring of Indian +workmanship which he wore upon his left hand. There was no +mistaking the ring, at all events: it had been passed round the +club on more than one occasion as a unique curiosity. His eyes +followed my gaze. He burst into tears, and pushing me before him +into a quiet corner of the saloon, sat down facing me. + +"'Don't give me away, old man,' he whimpered; 'for Gawd's sake, +don't let on to any of the chaps 'ere that I'm a member of that +blessed old waxwork show in Saint James's: they'd never speak to me +agen. And keep yer mug shut about Oxford, there's a good sort. I +wouldn't 'ave 'em know as 'ow I was one o' them college blokes for +anythink.' + +"I sat aghast. I had listened to hear him entreat me to keep +'Smith,' the rorty 'Arry, a secret from the acquaintances of +'Smythe,' the superior person. Here was 'Smith' in mortal terror +lest his pals should hear of his identity with the aristocratic +'Smythe,' and discard him. His attitude puzzled me at the time, +but, when I came to reflect, my wonder was at myself for having +expected the opposite. + +"'I carn't 'elp it,' he went on; 'I 'ave to live two lives. 'Arf my +time I'm a stuck-up prig, as orter be jolly well kicked--' + +"'At which times,' I interrupted, 'I have heard you express some +extremely uncomplimentary opinions concerning 'Arries.' + +"'I know,' he replied, in a voice betraying strong emotion; 'that's +where it's so precious rough on me. When I'm a toff I despises +myself, 'cos I knows that underneath my sneering phiz I'm a bloomin' +'Arry. When I'm an 'Arry, I 'ates myself 'cos I knows I'm a toff.' + +"'Can't you decide which character you prefer, and stick to it?' I +asked. + +"'No,' he answered, 'I carn't. It's a rum thing, but whichever I +am, sure as fate, 'bout the end of a month I begin to get sick o' +myself.' + +"'I can quite understand it,' I murmured; 'I should give way myself +in a fortnight.' + +"'I've been myself, now,' he continued, without noticing my remark, +'for somethin' like ten days. One mornin', in 'bout three weeks' +time, I shall get up in my diggins in the Mile End Road, and I shall +look round the room, and at these clothes 'angin' over the bed, and +at this yer concertina' (he gave it an affectionate squeeze), 'and I +shall feel myself gettin' scarlet all over. Then I shall jump out +o' bed, and look at myself in the glass. "You howling little cad," +I shall say to myself, "I have half a mind to strangle you"; and I +shall shave myself, and put on a quiet blue serge suit and a bowler +'at, tell my landlady to keep my rooms for me till I comes back, +slip out o' the 'ouse, and into the fust 'ansom I meets, and back to +the Halbany. And a month arter that, I shall come into my chambers +at the Halbany, fling Voltaire and Parini into the fire, shy me 'at +at the bust of good old 'Omer, slip on my blue suit agen, and back +to the Mile End Road.' + +"'How do you explain your absence to both parties?' I asked. + +"'Oh, that's simple enough,' he replied. 'I just tells my +'ousekeeper at the Halbany as I'm goin' on the Continong; and my +mates 'ere thinks I'm a traveller.' + +"'Nobody misses me much,' he added, pathetically; 'I hain't a +partic'larly fetchin' sort o' bloke, either of me. I'm sich an out- +and-outer. When I'm an 'Arry, I'm too much of an 'Arry, and when +I'm a prig, I'm a reg'lar fust prize prig. Seems to me as if I was +two ends of a man without any middle. If I could only mix myself up +a bit more, I'd be all right.' + +"He sniffed once or twice, and then he laughed. 'Ah, well,' he +said, casting aside his momentary gloom; 'it's all a game, and wot's +the odds so long as yer 'appy. 'Ave a wet?' + +"I declined the wet, and left him playing sentimental airs to +himself upon the concertina. + +"One afternoon, about a month later, the servant came to me with a +card on which was engraved the name of 'Mr. Joseph Smythe.' I +requested her to show him up. He entered with his usual air of +languid superciliousness, and seated himself in a graceful attitude +upon the sofa. + +"'Well,' I said, as soon as the girl had closed the door behind her, +'so you've got rid of Smith?' + +"A sickly smile passed over his face. 'You have not mentioned it to +any one?' he asked anxiously. + +"'Not to a soul,' I replied; 'though I confess I often feel tempted +to.' + +"'I sincerely trust you never will,' he said, in a tone of alarm. +'You can have no conception of the misery the whole thing causes me. +I cannot understand it. What possible affinity there can be between +myself and that disgusting little snob passes my comprehension. I +assure you, my dear Mac, the knowledge that I was a ghoul, or a +vampire, would cause me less nausea than the reflection that I am +one and the same with that odious little Whitechapel bounder. When +I think of him every nerve in my body--' + +"'Don't think about him any more,' I interrupted, perceiving his +strongly-suppressed emotion. 'You didn't come here to talk about +him, I'm sure. Let us dismiss him.' + +"'Well,' he replied, 'in a certain roundabout way it is slightly +connected with him. That is really my excuse for inflicting the +subject upon you. You are the only man I CAN speak to about it--if +I shall not bore you?' + +"'Not in the least,' I said. 'I am most interested.' As he still +hesitated, I asked him point-blank what it was. + +"He appeared embarrassed. 'It is really very absurd of me,' he +said, while the faintest suspicion of pink crossed his usually +colourless face; 'but I feel I must talk to somebody about it. The +fact is, my dear Mac, I am in love.' + +"'Capital!' I cried; 'I'm delighted to hear it.' (I thought it +might make a man of him.) 'Do I know the lady?' + +"'I am inclined to think you must have seen her,' he replied; 'she +was with me on the pier at Yarmouth that evening you met me.' + +"'Not 'Liza!' I exclaimed. + +"'That was she,' he answered; 'Miss Elizabeth Muggins.' He dwelt +lovingly upon the name. + +"'But,' I said, 'you seemed--I really could not help noticing, it +was so pronounced--you seemed to positively dislike her. Indeed, I +gathered from your remark to a friend that her society was +distinctly distasteful to you.' + +"'To Smith,' he corrected me. 'What judge would that howling little +blackguard be of a woman's worth! The dislike of such a man as that +is a testimonial to her merit!' + +"'I may be mistaken,' I said; 'but she struck me as a bit common.' + +"'She is not, perhaps, what the world would call a lady,' he +admitted; 'but then, my dear Mac, my opinion of the world is not +such as to render ITS opinion of much value to me. I and the world +differ on most subjects, I am glad to say. She is beautiful, and +she is good, and she is my choice.' + +"'She's a jolly enough little girl,' I replied, 'and, I should say, +affectionate; but have you considered, Smythe, whether she is quite- +-what shall we say--quite as intellectual as could be desired?' + +"'Really, to tell the truth, I have not troubled myself much about +her intellect,' he replied, with one of his sneering smiles. 'I +have no doubt that the amount of intellect absolutely necessary to +the formation of a British home, I shall be able to supply myself. +I have no desire for an intellectual wife. One is compelled to meet +tiresome people, but one does not live with them if one can avoid +it.' + +"'No,' he continued, reverting to his more natural tone; 'the more I +think of Elizabeth the more clear it becomes to me that she is the +one woman in the world for whom marriage with me is possible. I +perceive that to the superficial observer my selection must appear +extraordinary. I do not pretend to explain it, or even to +understand it. The study of mankind is beyond man. Only fools +attempt it. Maybe it is her contrast to myself that attracts me. +Maybe my, perhaps, too spiritual nature feels the need of contact +with her coarser clay to perfect itself. I cannot tell. These +things must always remain mysteries. I only know that I love her-- +that, if any reliance is to be placed upon instinct, she is the mate +to whom Artemis is leading me.' + +"It was clear that he was in love, and I therefore ceased to argue +with him. 'You kept up your acquaintanceship with her, then, after +you'--I was going to say 'after you ceased to be Smith,' but not +wishing to agitate him by more mention of that person than I could +help, I substituted, 'after you returned to the Albany?' + +"'Not exactly,' he replied; 'I lost sight of her after I left +Yarmouth, and I did not see her again until five days ago, when I +came across her in an aerated bread shop. I had gone in to get a +glass of milk and a bun, and SHE brought them to me. I recognised +her in a moment.' His face lighted up with quite a human smile. 'I +take tea there every afternoon now,' he added, glancing towards the +clock, 'at four.' + +"'There's not much need to ask HER views on the subject,' I said, +laughing; 'her feelings towards you were pretty evident.' + +"'Well, that is the curious part of it,' he replied, with a return +to his former embarrassment; 'she does not seem to care for me now +at all. Indeed, she positively refuses me. She says--to put it in +the dear child's own racy language--that she wouldn't take me on at +any price. She says it would be like marrying a clockwork figure +without the key. She's more frank than complimentary, but I like +that.' + +"'Wait a minute,' I said; 'an idea occurs to me. Does she know of +your identity with Smith?' + +"'No,' he replied, alarmed, 'I would not have her know it for +worlds. Only yesterday she told me that I reminded her of a fellow +she had met at Yarmouth, and my heart was in my mouth.' + +"'How did she look when she told you that?' I asked. + +"'How did she look?' he repeated, not understanding me. + +"'What was her expression at that moment?' I said--'was it severe or +tender?' + +"'Well,' he replied, 'now I come to think of it, she did seem to +soften a bit just then.' + +"'My dear boy,' I said, 'the case is as clear as day-light. She +loves Smith. No girl who admired Smith could be attracted by +Smythe. As your present self you will never win her. In a few +weeks' time, however, you will be Smith. Leave the matter over +until then. Propose to her as Smith, and she will accept you. +After marriage you can break Smythe gently to her.' + +"'By Jove!' he exclaimed, startled out of his customary lethargy, 'I +never thought of that. The truth is, when I am in my right senses, +Smith and all his affairs seem like a dream to me. Any idea +connected with him would never enter my mind.' + +"He rose and held out his hand. 'I am so glad I came to see you,' +he said; 'your suggestion has almost reconciled me to my miserable +fate. Indeed, I quite look forward to a month of Smith, now.' + +"'I'm so pleased,' I answered, shaking hands with him. 'Mind you +come and tell me how you get on. Another man's love affairs are not +usually absorbing, but there is an element of interest about yours +that renders the case exceptional.' + +"We parted, and I did not see him again for another month. Then, +late one evening, the servant knocked at my door to say that a Mr. +Smith wished to see me. + +"'Smith, Smith,' I repeated; 'what Smith? didn't he give you a +card?' + +"'No, sir,' answered the girl; 'he doesn't look the sort that would +have a card. He's not a gentleman, sir; but he says you'll know +him.' She evidently regarded the statement as an aspersion upon +myself. + +"I was about to tell her to say I was out, when the recollection of +Smythe's other self flashed into my mind, and I directed her to send +him up. + +"A minute passed, and then he entered. He was wearing a new suit of +a louder pattern, if possible, than before. I think he must have +designed it himself. He looked hot and greasy. He did not offer to +shake hands, but sat down awkwardly on the extreme edge of a small +chair, and gaped about the room as if he had never seen it before. + +"He communicated his shyness to myself. I could not think what to +say, and we sat for a while in painful silence. + +"'Well,' I said, at last, plunging head-foremost into the matter, +according to the method of shy people, 'and how's 'Liza?' + +"'Oh, SHE'S all right,' he replied, keeping his eyes fixed on his +hat. + +"'Have you done it?' I continued. + +"'Done wot?' he asked, looking up. + +"'Married her.' + +"'No,' he answered, returning to the contemplation of his hat. + +"'Has she refused you then?' I said. + +"'I ain't arst 'er,' he returned. + +He seemed unwilling to explain matters of his own accord. I had to +put the conversation into the form of a cross-examination. + +"'Why not?' I asked; 'don't you think she cares for you any longer?' + +He burst into a harsh laugh. 'There ain't much fear o' that,' he +said; 'it's like 'aving an Alcock's porous plaster mashed on yer, +blowed if it ain't. There's no gettin' rid of 'er. I wish she'd +giv' somebody else a turn. I'm fair sick of 'er.' + +"'But you were enthusiastic about her a month ago!' I exclaimed in +astonishment. + +"'Smythe may 'ave been,' he said; 'there ain't no accounting for +that ninny, 'is 'ead's full of starch. Anyhow, I don't take 'er on +while I'm myself. I'm too jolly fly.' + +"'That sort o' gal's all right enough to lark with,' he continued; +'but yer don't want to marry 'em. They don't do yer no good. A man +wants a wife as 'e can respect--some one as is a cut above 'imself, +as will raise 'im up a peg or two--some one as 'e can look up to and +worship. A man's wife orter be to 'im a gawddess--a hangel, a--' + +"'You appear to have met the lady,' I remarked, interrupting him. + +"He blushed scarlet, and became suddenly absorbed in the pattern of +the carpet. But the next moment he looked up again, and his face +seemed literally transformed. + +"'Oh! Mr. MacShaughnassy,' he burst out, with a ring of genuine +manliness in his voice, 'you don't know 'ow good, 'ow beautiful she +is. I ain't fit to breathe 'er name in my thoughts. An' she's so +clever. I met 'er at that Toynbee 'All. There was a party of toffs +there all together. You would 'ave enjoyed it, Mr. MacShaughnassy, +if you could 'ave 'eard 'er; she was makin' fun of the pictures and +the people round about to 'er pa--such wit, such learnin', such +'aughtiness. I follered them out and opened the carriage door for +'er, and she just drew 'er skirt aside and looked at me as if I was +the dirt in the road. I wish I was, for then perhaps one day I'd +kiss 'er feet.' + +"His emotion was so genuine that I did not feel inclined to laugh at +him. 'Did you find out who she was?' I asked. + +"'Yes,' he answered; 'I 'eard the old gentleman say "'Ome" to the +coachman, and I ran after the carriage all the way to 'Arley Street. +Trevior's 'er name, Hedith Trevior.' + +"'Miss Trevior!' I cried, 'a tall, dark girl, with untidy hair and +rather weak eyes?' + +"'Tall and dark,' he replied 'with 'air that seems tryin' to reach +'er lips to kiss 'em, and heyes, light blue, like a Cambridge +necktie. A 'undred and seventy-three was the number.' + +"'That's right,' I said; 'my dear Smith, this is becoming +complicated. You've met the lady and talked to her for half an +hour--as Smythe, don't you remember?' + +"'No,' he said, after cogitating for a minute, 'carn't say I do; I +never can remember much about Smythe. He allers seems to me like a +bad dream.' + +"'Well, you met her,' I said; 'I'm positive. I introduced you to +her myself, and she confided to me afterwards that she thought you a +most charming man.' + +"'No--did she?' he remarked, evidently softening in his feelings +towards Smythe; 'and did I like 'ER?' + +"'Well, to tell the truth,' I answered, 'I don't think you did. You +looked intensely bored.' + +"'The Juggins,' I heard him mutter to himself, and then he said +aloud: 'D'yer think I shall get a chance o' seein' 'er agen, when +I'm--when I'm Smythe?' + +"'Of course,' I said, 'I'll take you round myself. By the bye,' I +added, jumping up and looking on the mantelpiece, 'I've got a card +for a Cinderella at their place--something to do with a birthday. +Will you be Smythe on November the twentieth?' + +"'Ye--as,' he replied; 'oh, yas--bound to be by then.' + +"'Very well, then,' I said, 'I'll call round for you at the Albany, +and we'll go together.' + +"He rose and stood smoothing his hat with his sleeve. 'Fust time +I've ever looked for'ard to bein' that hanimated corpse, Smythe,' he +said slowly. 'Blowed if I don't try to 'urry it up--'pon my sivey I +will.' + +"'He'll be no good to you till the twentieth,' I reminded him. +'And,' I added, as I stood up to ring the bell, 'you're sure it's a +genuine case this time. You won't be going back to 'Liza?' + +"'Oh, don't talk 'bout 'Liza in the same breath with Hedith,' he +replied, 'it sounds like sacrilege.' + +"He stood hesitating with the handle of the door in his hand. At +last, opening it and looking very hard at his hat, he said, 'I'm +goin' to 'Arley Street now. I walk up and down outside the 'ouse +every evening, and sometimes, when there ain't no one lookin', I get +a chance to kiss the doorstep.' + +"He disappeared, and I returned to my chair. + +"On November twentieth, I called for him according to promise. I +found him on the point of starting for the club: he had forgotten +all about our appointment. I reminded him of it, and he with +difficulty recalled it, and consented, without any enthusiasm, to +accompany me. By a few artful hints to her mother (including a +casual mention of his income), I manoeuvred matters so that he had +Edith almost entirely to himself for the whole evening. I was proud +of what I had done, and as we were walking home together I waited to +receive his gratitude. + +"As it seemed slow in coming, I hinted my expectations. + +"'Well,' I said, 'I think I managed that very cleverly for you.' + +"'Managed what very cleverly?' said he. + +"'Why, getting you and Miss Trevior left together for such a long +time in the conservatory,' I answered, somewhat hurt; 'I fixed that +for you.' + +"'Oh, it was YOU, was it,' he replied; 'I've been cursing +Providence.' + +"I stopped dead in the middle of the pavement, and faced him. +'Don't you love her?' I said. + +"'Love her!' he repeated, in the utmost astonishment; 'what on earth +is there in her to love? She's nothing but a bad translation of a +modern French comedy, with the interest omitted.' + +"This 'tired' me--to use an Americanism. 'You came to me a month +ago,' I said, 'raving over her, and talking about being the dirt +under her feet and kissing her doorstep.' + +"He turned very red. 'I wish, my dear Mac,' he said, 'you would pay +me the compliment of not mistaking me for that detestable little cad +with whom I have the misfortune to be connected. You would greatly +oblige me if next time he attempts to inflict upon you his vulgar +drivel you would kindly kick him downstairs.' + +"'No doubt,' he added, with a sneer, as we walked on, 'Miss Trevior +would be his ideal. She is exactly the type of woman, I should say, +to charm that type of man. For myself, I do not appreciate the +artistic and literary female.' + +"'Besides,' he continued, in a deeper tone, 'you know my feelings. +I shall never care for any other woman but Elizabeth.' + +"'And she?' I said + +"'She,' he sighed, 'is breaking her heart for Smith.' + +"'Why don't you tell her you are Smith?' I asked. + +"'I cannot,' he replied, 'not even to win her. Besides, she would +not believe me.' + +"We said good-night at the corner of Bond Street, and I did not see +him again till one afternoon late in the following March, when I ran +against him in Ludgate Circus. He was wearing his transition blue +suit and bowler hat. I went up to him and took his arm. + +"'Which are you?' I said. + +"'Neither, for the moment,' he replied, 'thank God. Half an hour +ago I was Smythe, half an hour hence I shall be Smith. For the +present half-hour I am a man.' + +"There was a pleasant, hearty ring in his voice, and a genial, +kindly light in his eyes, and he held himself like a frank +gentleman. + +"'You are certainly an improvement upon both of them,' I said. + +"He laughed a sunny laugh, with just the shadow of sadness dashed +across it. 'Do you know my idea of Heaven?' he said. + +"'No,' I replied, somewhat surprised at the question. + +"'Ludgate Circus,' was the answer. 'The only really satisfying +moments of my life,' he said, 'have been passed in the neighbourhood +of Ludgate Circus. I leave Piccadilly an unhealthy, unwholesome +prig. At Charing Cross I begin to feel my blood stir in my veins. +From Ludgate Circus to Cheapside I am a human thing with human +feeling throbbing in my heart, and human thought throbbing in my +brain--with fancies, sympathies, and hopes. At the Bank my mind +becomes a blank. As I walk on, my senses grow coarse and blunted; +and by the time I reach Whitechapel I am a poor little uncivilised +cad. On the return journey it is the same thing reversed.' + +"'Why not live in Ludgate Circus,' I said, 'and be always as you are +now?' + +"'Because,' he answered, 'man is a pendulum, and must travel his +arc.' + +"'My dear Mac,' said he, laying his hand upon my shoulder, 'there is +only one good thing about me, and that is a moral. Man is as God +made him: don't be so sure that you can take him to pieces and +improve him. All my life I have sought to make myself an +unnaturally superior person. Nature has retaliated by making me +also an unnaturally inferior person. Nature abhors lopsidedness. +She turns out man as a whole, to be developed as a whole. I always +wonder, whenever I come across a supernaturally pious, a +supernaturally moral, a supernaturally cultured person, if they also +have a reverse self.' + +"I was shocked at his suggested argument, and walked by his side for +a while without speaking. At last, feeling curious on the subject, +I asked him how his various love affairs were progressing. + +"'Oh, as usual,' he replied; 'in and out of a cul de sac. When I am +Smythe I love Eliza, and Eliza loathes me. When I am Smith I love +Edith, and the mere sight of me makes her shudder. It is as +unfortunate for them as for me. I am not saying it boastfully. +Heaven knows it is an added draught of misery in my cup; but it is a +fact that Eliza is literally pining away for me as Smith, and--as +Smith I find it impossible to be even civil to her; while Edith, +poor girl, has been foolish enough to set her heart on me as Smythe, +and as Smythe she seems to me but the skin of a woman stuffed with +the husks of learning, and rags torn from the corpse of wit.' + +"I remained absorbed in my own thoughts for some time, and did not +come out of them till we were crossing the Minories. Then, the idea +suddenly occurring to me, I said: + +"'Why don't you get a new girl altogether? There must be medium +girls that both Smith and Smythe could like, and that would put up +with both of you.' + +"'No more girls for this child,' he answered 'they're more trouble +than they're worth. Those yer want yer carn't get, and those yer +can 'ave, yer don't want.' + +"I started, and looked up at him. He was slouching along with his +hands in his pockets, and a vacuous look in his face. + +"A sudden repulsion seized me. 'I must go now,' I said, stopping. +'I'd no idea I had come so far.' + +"He seemed as glad to be rid of me as I to be rid of him. 'Oh, must +yer,' he said, holding out his hand. 'Well, so long.' + +"We shook hands carelessly. He disappeared in the crowd, and that +is the last I have ever seen of him." + + +"Is that a true story?" asked Jephson. + +"Well, I've altered the names and dates," said MacShaughnassy; "but +the main facts you can rely upon." + + + +CHAPTER X + + + +The final question discussed at our last meeting been: What shall +our hero be? MacShaughnassy had suggested an author, with a critic +for the villain. My idea was a stockbroker, with an undercurrent of +romance in his nature. Said Jephson, who has a practical mind: +"The question is not what we like, but what the female novel-reader +likes." + +"That is so," agreed MacShaughnassy. "I propose that we collect +feminine opinion upon this point. I will write to my aunt and +obtain from her the old lady's view. You," he said, turning to me, +"can put the case to your wife, and get the young lady's ideal. Let +Brown write to his sister at Newnham, and find out whom the +intellectual maiden favours, while Jephson can learn from Miss +Medbury what is most attractive to the common-sensed girl." + +This plan we had adopted, and the result was now under +consideration. MacShaughnassy opened the proceedings by reading his +aunt's letter. Wrote the old lady: + + +"I think, if I were you, my dear boy, I should choose a soldier. +You know your poor grandfather, who ran away to America with that +WICKED Mrs. Featherly, the banker's wife, was a soldier, and so was +your poor cousin Robert, who lost eight thousand pounds at Monte +Carlo. I have always felt singularly drawn towards soldiers, even +as a girl; though your poor dear uncle could not bear them. You +will find many allusions to soldiers and men of war in the Old +Testament (see Jer. xlviii. 14). Of course one does not like to +think of their fighting and killing each other, but then they do not +seem to do that sort of thing nowadays." + + +"So much for the old lady," said MacShaughnassy, as he folded up the +letter and returned it to his pocket. "What says culture?" + +Brown produced from his cigar-case a letter addressed in a bold +round hand, and read as follows: + + +"What a curious coincidence! A few of us were discussing this very +subject last night in Millicent Hightopper's rooms, and I may tell +you at once that our decision was unanimous in favour of soldiers. +You see, my dear Selkirk, in human nature the attraction is towards +the opposite. To a milliner's apprentice a poet would no doubt be +satisfying; to a woman of intelligence he would he an unutterable +bore. What the intellectual woman requires in man is not something +to argue with, but something to look at. To an empty-headed woman I +can imagine the soldier type proving vapid and uninteresting; to the +woman of mind he represents her ideal of man--a creature strong, +handsome, well-dressed, and not too clever." + + +"That gives us two votes for the army," remarked MacShaughnassy, as +Brown tore his sister's letter in two, and threw the pieces into the +waste-paper basket. "What says the common-sensed girl?" + +"First catch your common-sensed girl," muttered Jephson, a little +grumpily, as it seemed to me. "Where do you propose finding her?" + +"Well," returned MacShaughnassy, "I looked to find her in Miss +Medbury." + +As a rule, the mention of Miss Medbury's name brings a flush of joy +to Jephson's face; but now his features wore an expression +distinctly approaching a scowl. + +"Oh!" he replied, "did you? Well, then, the common-sensed girl +loves the military also." + +"By Jove!" exclaimed MacShaughnassy, "what an extraordinary thing. +What reason does she give?" + +"That there's a something about them, and that they dance so +divinely," answered Jephson, shortly. + +"Well, you do surprise me," murmured MacShaughnassy, "I am +astonished." + +Then to me he said: "And what does the young married woman say? +The same?" + +"Yes," I replied, "precisely the same." + +"Does SHE give a reason?" he asked. + +"Oh yes," I explained; "because you can't help liking them." + +There was silence for the next few minutes, while we smoked and +thought. I fancy we were all wishing we had never started this +inquiry. + +That four distinctly different types of educated womanhood should, +with promptness and unanimity quite unfeminine, have selected the +soldier as their ideal, was certainly discouraging to the civilian +heart. Had they been nursemaids or servant girls, I should have +expected it. The worship of Mars by the Venus of the white cap is +one of the few vital religions left to this devoutless age. A year +or two ago I lodged near a barracks, and the sight to be seen round +its huge iron gates on Sunday afternoons I shall never forget. The +girls began to assemble about twelve o'clock. By two, at which hour +the army, with its hair nicely oiled and a cane in its hand, was +ready for a stroll, there would be some four or five hundred of them +waiting in a line. Formerly they had collected in a wild mob, and +as the soldiers were let out to them two at a time, had fought for +them, as lions for early Christians. This, however, had led to +scenes of such disorder and brutality, that the police had been +obliged to interfere; and the girls were now marshalled in QUEUE, +two abreast, and compelled, by a force of constables specially told +off for the purpose, to keep their places and wait their proper +turn. + +At three o'clock the sentry on duty would come down to the wicket +and close it. "They're all gone, my dears," he would shout out to +the girls still left; "it's no good your stopping, we've no more for +you to-day." + +"Oh, not one!" some poor child would murmur pleadingly, while the +tears welled up into her big round eyes, "not even a little one. +I've been waiting SUCH a long time." + +"Can't help that," the honest fellow would reply, gruffly, but not +unkindly, turning aside to hide his emotion; "you've had 'em all +between you. We don't make 'em, you know: you can't have 'em if we +haven't got 'em, can you? Come earlier next time." + +Then he would hurry away to escape further importunity; and the +police, who appeared to have been waiting for this moment with +gloating anticipation, would jeeringly hustle away the weeping +remnant. "Now then, pass along, you girls, pass along," they would +say, in that irritatingly unsympathetic voice of theirs. "You've +had your chance. Can't have the roadway blocked up all the +afternoon with this 'ere demonstration of the unloved. Pass along." + +In connection with this same barracks, our char-woman told Amenda, +who told Ethelbertha, who told me a story, which I now told the +boys. + +Into a certain house, in a certain street in the neighbourhood, +there moved one day a certain family. Their servant had left them-- +most of their servants did at the end of a week--and the day after +the moving-in an advertisement for a domestic was drawn up and sent +to the Chronicle. It ran thus: + + +WANTED, GENERAL SERVANT, in small family of eleven. Wages, 6 +pounds; no beer money. Must be early riser and hard worker. +Washing done at home. Must be good cook, and not object to window- +cleaning. Unitarian preferred.--Apply, with references, to A. B., +etc. + + +That advertisement was sent off on Wednesday afternoon. At seven +o'clock on Thursday morning the whole family were awakened by +continuous ringing of the street-door bell. The husband, looking +out of window, was surprised to see a crowd of about fifty girls +surrounding the house. He slipped on his dressing-gown and went +down to see what was the matter. The moment he opened the door, +fifteen of them charged tumultuously into the passage, sweeping him +completely off his legs. Once inside, these fifteen faced round, +fought the other thirty-five or so back on to the door-step, and +slammed the door in their faces. Then they picked up the master of +the house, and asked him politely to conduct them to A. B." + +At first, owing to the clamour of the mob outside, who were +hammering at the door and shouting curses through the keyhole, he +could understand nothing, but at length they succeeded in explaining +to him that they were domestic servants come ill answer to his +wife's advertisement. The man went and told his wife, and his wife +said she would see them, one at a time. + +Which one should have audience first was a delicate question to +decide. The man, on being appealed to, said he would prefer to +leave it to them. They accordingly discussed the matter among +themselves. At the end of a quarter of an hour, the victor, having +borrowed some hair-pins and a looking-glass from our charwoman, who +had slept in the house, went upstairs, while the remaining fourteen +sat down in the hall, and fanned themselves with their bonnets. + +"A. B." was a good deal astonished when the first applicant +presented herself. She was a tall, genteel-looking girl. Up to +yesterday she had been head housemaid at Lady Stanton's, and before +that she had been under-cook for two years to the Duchess of York. + +"And why did you leave Lady Stanton?" asked "A. B." + +"To come here, mum," replied the girl. The lady was puzzled. + +"And you'll be satisfied with six pounds a year?" she asked. + +"Certainly, mum, I think it ample." + +"And you don't mind hard work?" + +"I love it, mum." + +"And you're an early riser?" + +"Oh yes, mum, it upsets me stopping in bed after half-past five." + +"You know we do the washing at home?" + +"Yes, mum. I think it so much better to do it at home. Those +laundries ruin good clothes. They're so careless." + +"Are you a Unitarian?" continued the lady. + +"Not yet, mum," replied the girl, "but I should like to be one." + +The lady took her reference, and said she would write. + +The next applicant offered to come for three pounds--thought six +pounds too much. She expressed her willingness to sleep in the back +kitchen: a shakedown under the sink was all she wanted. She +likewise had yearnings towards Unitarianism. + +The third girl did not require any wages at all--could not +understand what servants wanted with wages--thought wages only +encouraged a love of foolish finery--thought a comfortable home in a +Unitarian family ought to be sufficient wages for any girl. + +This girl said there was one stipulation she should like to make, +and that was that she should be allowed to pay for all breakages +caused by her own carelessness or neglect. She objected to holidays +and evenings out; she held that they distracted a girl from her +work. + +The fourth candidate offered a premium of five pounds for the place; +and then "A. B." began to get frightened, and refused to see any +more of the girls, convinced that they must be lunatics from some +neighbouring asylum out for a walk. + +Later in the day, meeting the next-door lady on the door-step, she +related her morning's experiences. + +"Oh, that's nothing extraordinary," said the next-door lady; "none +of us on this side of the street pay wages; and we get the pick of +all the best servants in London. Why, girls will come from the +other end of the kingdom to get into one of these houses. It's the +dream of their lives. They save up for years, so as to be able to +come here for nothing." + +"What's the attraction?" asked "A. B.," more amazed than ever. + +"Why, don't you see," explained the next door lady, "our back +windows open upon the barrack yard. A girl living in one of these +houses is always close to soldiers. By looking out of window she +can always see soldiers; and sometimes a soldier will nod to her or +even call up to her. They never dream of asking for wages. They'll +work eighteen hours a day, and put up with anything just to be +allowed to stop." + +"A. B." profited by this information, and engaged the girl who +offered the five pounds premium. She found her a perfect treasure +of a servant. She was invariably willing and respectful, slept on a +sofa in the kitchen, and was always contented with an egg for her +dinner. + +The truth of this story I cannot vouch for. Myself, I can believe +it. Brown and MacShaughnassy made no attempt to do so, which seemed +unfriendly. Jephson excused himself on the plea of a headache. I +admit there are points in it presenting difficulties to the average +intellect. As I explained at the commencement, it was told to me by +Ethelbertha, who had it from Amenda, who got it from the char-woman, +and exaggerations may have crept into it. The following, however, +were incidents that came under my own personal observation. They +afforded a still stronger example of the influence exercised by +Tommy Atkins upon the British domestic, and I therefore thought it +right to relate them. + +"The heroine of them," I said, "is our Amenda. Now, you would call +her a tolerably well-behaved, orderly young woman, would you not?" + +"She is my ideal of unostentatious respectability," answered +MacShaughnassy + +"That was my opinion also," I replied. "You can, therefore, imagine +my feelings on passing her one evening in the Folkestone High Street +with a Panama hat upon her head (MY Panama hat), and a soldier's arm +round her waist. She was one of a mob following the band of the +Third Berkshire Infantry, then in camp at Sandgate. There was an +ecstatic, far-away look in her eyes. She was dancing rather than +walking, and with her left hand she beat time to the music. + +"Ethelbertha was with me at the time. We stared after the +procession until it had turned the corner, and then we stared at +each other. + +"'Oh, it's impossible,' said Ethelbertha to me. + +"'But that was my hat,' I said to Ethelbertha. + +"The moment we reached home Ethelbertha looked for Amenda, and I +looked for my hat. Neither was to be found. + +"Nine o'clock struck, ten o'clock struck. At half-past ten, we went +down and got our own supper, and had it in the kitchen. At a +quarter-past eleven, Amenda returned. She walked into the kitchen +without a word, hung my hat up behind the door, and commenced +clearing away the supper things. + +"Ethelbertha rose, calm but severe. + +"'Where have you been, Amenda?' she inquired. + +"'Gadding half over the county with a lot of low soldiers,' answered +Amenda, continuing her work. + +"'You had on my hat,' I added. + +"'Yes, sir,' replied Amenda, still continuing her work, 'it was the +first thing that came to hand. What I'm thankful for is that it +wasn't missis's best bonnet.' + +"Whether Ethelbertha was mollified by the proper spirit displayed in +this last remark, I cannot say, but I think it probable. At all +events, it was in a voice more of sorrow than of anger that she +resumed her examination. + +"'You were walking with a soldier's arm around your waist when we +passed you, Amenda?' she observed interrogatively. + +"'I know, mum,' admitted Amenda, 'I found it there myself when the +music stopped.' + +"Ethelbertha looked her inquiries. Amenda filled a saucepan with +water, and then replied to them. + +"'I'm a disgrace to a decent household,' she said; 'no mistress who +respected herself would keep me a moment. I ought to be put on the +doorstep with my box and a month's wages.' + +"'But why did you do it then?' said Ethelbertha, with natural +astonishment. + +"'Because I'm a helpless ninny, mum. I can't help myself; if I see +soldiers I'm bound to follow them. It runs in our family. My poor +cousin Emma was just such another fool. She was engaged to be +married to a quiet, respectable young fellow with a shop of his own, +and three days before the wedding she ran off with a regiment of +marines to Chatham and married the colour-sergeant. That's what I +shall end by doing. I've been all the way to Sandgate with that lot +you saw me with, and I've kissed four of them--the nasty wretches. +I'm a nice sort of girl to be walking out with a respectable +milkman.' + +"She was so deeply disgusted with herself that it seemed superfluous +for anybody else to be indignant with her; and Ethelbertha changed +her tone and tried to comfort her. + +"'Oh, you'll get over all that nonsense, Amenda,' she said, +laughingly; 'you see yourself how silly it is. You must tell Mr. +Bowles to keep you away from soldiers.' + +"'Ah, I can't look at it in the same light way that you do, mum,' +returned Amenda, somewhat reprovingly; 'a girl that can't see a bit +of red marching down the street without wanting to rush out and +follow it ain't fit to be anybody's wife. Why, I should be leaving +the shop with nobody in it about twice a week, and he'd have to go +the round of all the barracks in London, looking for me. I shall +save up and get myself into a lunatic asylum, that's what I shall +do.' + +"Ethelbertha began to grow quite troubled. 'But surely this is +something altogether new, Amenda,' she said; 'you must have often +met soldiers when you've been out in London?' + +"'Oh yes, one or two at a time, walking about anyhow, I can stand +that all right. It's when there's a lot of them with a band that I +lose my head.' + +"'You don't know what it's like, mum,' she added, noticing +Ethelbertha's puzzled expression; 'you've never had it. I only hope +you never may.' + +"We kept a careful watch over Amenda during the remainder of our +stay at Folkestone, and an anxious time we had of it. Every day +some regiment or other would march through the town, and at the +first sound of its music Amenda would become restless and excited. +The Pied Piper's reed could not have stirred the Hamelin children +deeper than did those Sandgate bands the heart of our domestic. +Fortunately, they generally passed early in the morning when we were +indoors, but one day, returning home to lunch, we heard distant +strains dying away upon the Hythe Road. We hurried in. Ethelbertha +ran down into the kitchen; it was empty!--up into Amenda's bedroom; +it was vacant! We called. There was no answer. + +"'That miserable girl has gone off again,' said Ethelbertha. 'What +a terrible misfortune it is for her. It's quite a disease.' + +"Ethelbertha wanted me to go to Sandgate camp and inquire for her. +I was sorry for the girl myself, but the picture of a young and +innocent-looking man wandering about a complicated camp, inquiring +for a lost domestic, presenting itself to my mind, I said that I'd +rather not. + +Ethelbertha thought me heartless, and said that if I would not go +she would go herself. I replied that I thought one female member of +my household was enough in that camp at a time, and requested her +not to. Ethelbertha expressed her sense of my inhuman behaviour by +haughtily declining to eat any lunch, and I expressed my sense of +her unreasonableness by sweeping the whole meal into the grate, +after which Ethelbertha suddenly developed exuberant affection for +the cat (who didn't want anybody's love, but wanted to get under the +grate after the lunch), and I became supernaturally absorbed in the +day-before-yesterday's newspaper. + +"In the afternoon, strolling out into the garden, I heard the faint +cry of a female in distress. I listened attentively, and the cry +was repeated. I thought it sounded like Amenda's voice, but where +it came from I could not conceive. It drew nearer, however, as I +approached the bottom of the garden, and at last I located it in a +small wooden shed, used by the proprietor of the house as a dark- +room for developing photographs. + +"The door was locked. 'Is that you, Amenda?' I cried through the +keyhole. + +"'Yes, sir,' came back the muffled answer. 'Will you please let me +out? you'll find the key on the ground near the door.' + +"I discovered it on the grass about a yard away, and released her. +'Who locked you in?' I asked. + +"'I did, sir,' she replied; 'I locked myself in, and pushed the key +out under the door. I had to do it, or I should have gone off with +those beastly soldiers.' + +"'I hope I haven't inconvenienced you, sir,' she added, stepping +out; 'I left the lunch all laid.'" + + +Amenda's passion for soldiers was her one tribute to sentiment. +Towards all others of the male sex she maintained an attitude of +callous unsusceptibility, and her engagements with them (which were +numerous) were entered into or abandoned on grounds so sordid as to +seriously shock Ethelbertha. + +When she came to us she was engaged to a pork butcher--with a +milkman in reserve. For Amenda's sake we dealt with the man, but we +never liked him, and we liked his pork still less. When, therefore, +Amenda announced to us that her engagement with him was "off," and +intimated that her feelings would in no way suffer by our going +elsewhere for our bacon, we secretly rejoiced. + +"I am confident you have done right, Amenda," said Ethelbertha; "you +would never have been happy with that man." + +"No, mum, I don't think I ever should," replied Amenda. "I don't +see how any girl could as hadn't the digestion of an ostrich." + +Ethelbertha looked puzzled. "But what has digestion got to do with +it?" she asked. + +"A pretty good deal, mum," answered Amenda, "when you're thinking of +marrying a man as can't make a sausage fit to eat." + +"But, surely," exclaimed Ethelbertha, "you don't mean to say you're +breaking off the match because you don't like his sausages!" + +"Well, I suppose that's what it comes to," agreed Amenda, +unconcernedly. + +"What an awful idea!" sighed poor Ethelbertha, after a long pause. +"Do you think you ever really loved him?" + +"Oh yes," said Amenda, "I loved him right enough, but it's no good +loving a man that wants you to live on sausages that keep you awake +all night." + +"But does he want you to live on sausages?" persisted Ethelbertha. + +"Oh, he doesn't say anything about it," explained Amenda; "but you +know what it is, mum, when you marry a pork butcher; you're expected +to eat what's left over. That's the mistake my poor cousin Eliza +made. She married a muffin man. Of course, what he didn't sell +they had to finish up themselves. Why, one winter, when he had a +run of bad luck, they lived for two months on nothing but muffins. +I never saw a girl so changed in all my life. One has to think of +these things, you know." + +But the most shamefully mercenary engagement that I think Amenda +ever entered into, was one with a 'bus conductor. We were living in +the north of London then, and she had a young man, a cheesemonger, +who kept a shop in Lupus Street, Chelsea. He could not come up to +her because of the shop, so once a week she used to go down to him. +One did not ride ten miles for a penny in those days, and she found +the fare from Holloway to Victoria and back a severe tax upon her +purse. The same 'bus that took her down at six brought her back at +ten. During the first journey the 'bus conductor stared at Amenda; +during the second he talked to her, during the third he gave her a +cocoanut, during the fourth he proposed to her, and was promptly +accepted. After that, Amenda was enabled to visit her cheesemonger +without expense. + +He was a quaint character himself, this 'bus conductor. I often +rode with him to Fleet Street. He knew me quite well (I suppose +Amenda must have pointed me out to him), and would always ask me +after her--aloud, before all the other passengers, which was trying- +-and give me messages to take back to her. Where women were +concerned he had what is called "a way" with him, and from the +extent and variety of his female acquaintance, and the evident +tenderness with which the majority of them regarded him, I am +inclined to hope that Amenda's desertion of him (which happened +contemporaneously with her jilting of the cheesemonger) caused him +less prolonged suffering than might otherwise have been the case. + +He was a man from whom I derived a good deal of amusement one way +and another. Thinking of him brings back to my mind a somewhat odd +incident. + +One afternoon, I jumped upon his 'bus in the Seven Sisters Road. An +elderly Frenchman was the only other occupant of the vehicle. "You +vil not forget me," the Frenchman was saying as I entered, "I desire +Sharing Cross." + +"I won't forget yer," answered the conductor, "you shall 'ave yer +Sharing Cross. Don't make a fuss about it." + +"That's the third time 'ee's arst me not to forget 'im," he remarked +to me in a stentorian aside; "'ee don't giv' yer much chance of +doin' it, does 'ee?" + +At the corner of the Holloway Road we drew up, and our conductor +began to shout after the manner of his species: "Charing Cross-- +Charing Cross--'ere yer are--Come along, lady--Charing Cross." + +The little Frenchman jumped up, and prepared to exit; the conductor +pushed him back. + +"Sit down and don't be silly," he said; "this ain't Charing Cross." + +The Frenchman looked puzzled, but collapsed meekly. We picked up a +few passengers, and proceeded on our way. Half a mile up the +Liverpool Road a lady stood on the kerb regarding us as we passed +with that pathetic mingling of desire and distrust which is the +average woman's attitude towards conveyances of all kinds. Our +conductor stopped. + +"Where d'yer want to go to?" he asked her severely--"Strand--Charing +Cross?" + +The Frenchman did not hear or did not understand the first part of +the speech, but he caught the words "Charing Cross," and bounced up +and out on to the step. The conductor collared him as he was +getting off, and jerked him back savagely. + +"Carn't yer keep still a minute," he cried indignantly; "blessed if +you don't want lookin' after like a bloomin' kid." + +"I vont to be put down at Sharing Cross," answered the Frenchman, +humbly. + +"You vont to be put down at Sharing Cross," repeated the other +bitterly, as he led him back to his seat. "I shall put yer down in +the middle of the road if I 'ave much more of yer. You stop there +till I come and sling yer out. I ain't likely to let yer go much +past yer Sharing Cross, I shall be too jolly glad to get rid o' +yer." + +The poor Frenchman subsided, and we jolted on. At "The Angel" we, +of course, stopped. "Charing Cross," shouted the conductor, and up +sprang the Frenchman. + +"Oh, my Gawd," said the conductor, taking him by the shoulders and +forcing him down into the corner seat, "wot am I to do? Carn't +somebody sit on 'im?" + +He held him firmly down until the 'bus started, and then released +him. At the top of Chancery Lane the same scene took place, and the +poor little Frenchman became exasperated. + +"He keep saying Sharing Cross, Sharing Cross," he exclaimed, turning +to the other passengers; "and it is NO Sharing Cross. He is fool." + +"Carn't yer understand," retorted the conductor, equally indignant; +"of course I say Sharing Cross--I mean Charing Cross, but that don't +mean that it IS Charing Cross. That means--" and then perceiving +from the blank look on the Frenchman's face the utter impossibility +of ever making the matter clear to him, he turned to us with an +appealing gesture, and asked: + +"Does any gentleman know the French for 'bloomin' idiot'?" + +A day or two afterwards, I happened to enter his omnibus again. + +"Well," I asked him, "did you get your French friend to Charing +Cross all right?" + +"No, sir," he replied, "you'll 'ardly believe it, but I 'ad a bit of +a row with a policeman just before I got to the corner, and it put +'im clean out o' my 'ead. Blessed if I didn't run 'im on to +Victoria." + + + +CHAPTER XI + + + +Said Brown one evening, "There is but one vice, and that is +selfishness." + +Jephson was standing before the fire lighting his pipe. He puffed +the tobacco into a glow, threw the match into the embers, and then +said: + +"And the seed of all virtue also." + +"Sit down and get on with your work," said MacShaughnassy from the +sofa where he lay at full length with his heels on a chair; "we're +discussing the novel. Paradoxes not admitted during business +hours." + +Jephson, however, was in an argumentative mood. + +"Selfishness," he continued, "is merely another name for Will. +Every deed, good or bad, that we do is prompted by selfishness. We +are charitable to secure ourselves a good place in the next world, +to make ourselves respected in this, to ease our own distress at the +knowledge of suffering. One man is kind because it gives him +pleasure to be kind, just as another is cruel because cruelty +pleases him. A great man does his duty because to him the sense of +duty done is a deeper delight than would be the case resulting from +avoidance of duty. The religious man is religious because he finds +a joy in religion; the moral man moral because with his strong self- +respect, viciousness would mean wretchedness. Self-sacrifice itself +is only a subtle selfishness: we prefer the mental exaltation +gained thereby to the sensual gratification which is the alternative +reward. Man cannot be anything else but selfish. Selfishness is +the law of all life. Each thing, from the farthest fixed star to +the smallest insect crawling on the earth, fighting for itself +according to its strength; and brooding over all, the Eternal, +working for HIMSELF: that is the universe." + +"Have some whisky," said MacShaughnassy; "and don't be so +complicatedly metaphysical. You make my head ache." + +"If all action, good and bad, spring from selfishness," replied +Brown, "then there must be good selfishness and bad selfishness: +and your bad selfishness is my plain selfishness, without any +adjective, so we are back where we started. I say selfishness--bad +selfishness--is the root of all evil, and there you are bound to +agree with me." + +"Not always," persisted Jephson; "I've known selfishness-- +selfishness according to the ordinarily accepted meaning of the +term--to be productive of good actions. I can give you an instance, +if you like." + +"Has it got a moral?" asked MacShaughnassy, drowsily, + +Jephson mused a moment. "Yes," he said at length; "a very practical +moral--and one very useful to young men." + +"That's the sort of story we want," said the MacShaughnassy, raising +himself into a sitting position. "You listen to this, Brown." + +Jephson seated himself upon a chair, in his favourite attitude, with +his elbows resting upon the back, and smoked for a while in silence. + +"There are three people in this story," he began; "the wife, the +wife's husband, and the other man. In most dramas of this type, it +is the wife who is the chief character. In this case, the +interesting person is the other man. + +"The wife--I met her once: she was the most beautiful woman I have +ever seen, and the most wicked-looking; which is saying a good deal +for both statements. I remember, during a walking tour one year, +coming across a lovely little cottage. It was the sweetest place +imaginable. I need not describe it. It was the cottage one sees in +pictures, and reads of in sentimental poetry. I was leaning over +the neatly-cropped hedge, drinking in its beauty, when at one of the +tiny casements I saw, looking out at me, a face. It stayed there +only a moment, but in that moment the cottage had become ugly, and I +hurried away with a shudder. + +"That woman's face reminded me of the incident. It was an angel's +face, until the woman herself looked out of it: then you were +struck by the strange incongruity between tenement and tenant. + +"That at one time she had loved her husband, I have little doubt. +Vicious women have few vices, and sordidness is not usually one of +them. She had probably married him, borne towards him by one of +those waves of passion upon which the souls of animal natures are +continually rising and falling. On possession, however, had quickly +followed satiety, and from satiety had grown the desire for a new +sensation. + +"They were living at Cairo at the period; her husband held an +important official position there, and by virtue of this, and of her +own beauty and tact, her house soon became the centre of the Anglo- +Saxon society ever drifting in and out of the city. The women +disliked her, and copied her. The men spoke slightingly of her to +their wives, lightly of her to each other, and made idiots of +themselves when they were alone with her. She laughed at them to +their faces, and mimicked them behind their backs. Their friends +said it was clever. + +"One year there arrived a young English engineer, who had come out +to superintend some canal works. He brought with him satisfactory +letters of recommendation, and was at once received by the European +residents as a welcome addition to their social circle. He was not +particularly good-looking, he was not remarkably charming, but he +possessed the one thing that few women can resist in a man, and that +is strength. The woman looked at the man, and the man looked back +at the woman; and the drama began. + +"Scandal flies swiftly through small communities. Before a month, +their relationship was the chief topic of conversation throughout +the quarter. In less than two, it reached the ears of the woman's +husband. + +"He was either an exceptionally mean or an exceptionally noble +character, according to how one views the matter. He worshipped his +wife--as men with big hearts and weak brains often do worship such +women--with dog-like devotion. His only dread was lest the scandal +should reach proportions that would compel him to take notice of it, +and thus bring shame and suffering upon the woman to whom he would +have given his life. That a man who saw her should love her seemed +natural to him; that she should have grown tired of himself, a thing +not to be wondered at. He was grateful to her for having once loved +him, for a little while. + +"As for 'the other man,' he proved somewhat of an enigma to the +gossips. He attempted no secrecy; if anything, he rather paraded +his subjugation--or his conquest, it was difficult to decide which +term to apply. He rode and drove with her; visited her in public +and in private (in such privacy as can be hoped for in a house +filled with chattering servants, and watched by spying eyes); loaded +her with expensive presents, which she wore openly, and papered his +smoking-den with her photographs. Yet he never allowed himself to +appear in the least degree ridiculous; never allowed her to come +between him and his work. A letter from her, he would lay aside +unopened until he had finished what he evidently regarded as more +important business. When boudoir and engine-shed became rivals, it +was the boudoir that had to wait. + +"The woman chafed under his self-control, which stung her like a +lash, but clung to him the more abjectly. + +"'Tell me you love me!' she would cry fiercely, stretching her white +arms towards him. + +"'I have told you so,' he would reply calmly, without moving. + +"'I want to hear you tell it me again,' she would plead with a voice +that trembled on a sob. 'Come close to me and tell it me again, +again, again!' + +"Then, as she lay with half-closed eyes, he would pour forth a flood +of passionate words sufficient to satisfy even her thirsty ears, and +afterwards, as the gates clanged behind him, would take up an +engineering problem at the exact point at which half an hour before, +on her entrance into the room, he had temporarily dismissed it. + +"One day, a privileged friend put bluntly to him this question: +'Are you playing for love or vanity?' + +"To which the man, after long pondering, gave this reply: ''Pon my +soul, Jack, I couldn't tell you.' + +"Now, when a man is in love with a woman who cannot make up her mind +whether she loves him or not, we call the complication comedy; where +it is the woman who is in earnest the result is generally tragedy. + +"They continued to meet and to make love. They talked--as people in +their position are prone to talk--of the beautiful life they would +lead if it only were not for the thing that was; of the earthly +paradise--or, maybe, 'earthy' would be the more suitable adjective-- +they would each create for the other, if only they had the right +which they hadn't. + +"In this work of imagination the man trusted chiefly to his literary +faculties, which were considerable; the woman to her desires. Thus, +his scenes possessed a grace and finish which hers lacked, but her +pictures were the more vivid. Indeed, so realistic did she paint +them, that to herself they seemed realities, waiting for her. Then +she would rise to go towards them only to strike herself against the +thought of the thing that stood between her and them. At first she +only hated the thing, but after a while there came an ugly look of +hope into her eyes. + +"The time drew near for the man to return to England. The canal was +completed, and a day appointed for the letting in of the water. The +man determined to make the event the occasion of a social gathering. +He invited a large number of guests, among whom were the woman and +her husband, to assist at the function. Afterwards the party were +to picnic at a pleasant wooded spot some three-quarters of a mile +from the first lock. + +"The ceremony of flooding was to be performed by the woman, her +husband's position entitling her to this distinction. Between the +river and the head of the cutting had been left a strong bank of +earth, pierced some distance down by a hole, which hole was kept +closed by means of a closely-fitting steel plate. The woman drew +the lever releasing this plate, and the water rushed through and +began to press against the lock gates. When it had attained a +certain depth, the sluices were raised, and the water poured down +into the deep basin of the lock. + +"It was an exceptionally deep lock. The party gathered round and +watched the water slowly rising. The woman looked down, and +shuddered; the man was standing by her side. + +"'How deep it is,' she said. + +"'Yes,' he replied, 'it holds thirty feet of water, when full.' + +"The water crept up inch by inch. + +"'Why don't you open the gates, and let it in quickly?' she asked. + +"'It would not do for it to come in too quickly,' he explained; 'we +shall half fill this lock, and then open the sluices at the other +end, and so let the water pass through.' + +"The woman looked at the smooth stone walls and at the iron-plated +gates. + +"'I wonder what a man would do,' she said, 'if he fell in, and there +was no one near to help him?' + +"The man laughed. 'I think he would stop there,' he answered. +'Come, the others are waiting for us.' + +"He lingered a moment to give some final instructions to the +workmen. 'You can follow on when you've made all right,' he said, +'and get something to eat. There's no need for more than one to +stop.' Then they joined the rest of the party, and sauntered on, +laughing and talking, to the picnic ground. + +After lunch the party broke up, as is the custom of picnic parties, +and wandered away in groups and pairs. The man, whose duty as host +had hitherto occupied all his attention, looked for the woman, but +she was gone. + +"A friend strolled by, the same that had put the question to him +about love and vanity. + +"'Have you quarrelled?' asked the friend. + +"'No,' replied the man. + +"'I fancied you had,' said the other. 'I met her just now walking +with her husband, of all men in the world, and making herself quite +agreeable to him.' + +"The friend strolled on, and the man sat down on a fallen tree, and +lighted a cigar. He smoked and thought, and the cigar burnt out, +but he still sat thinking. + +"After a while he heard a faint rustling of the branches behind him, +and peering between the interlacing leaves that hid him, saw the +crouching figure of the woman creeping through the wood. + +"His lips were parted to call her name, when she turned her +listening head in his direction, and his eyes fell full upon her +face. Something about it, he could not have told what, struck him +dumb, and the woman crept on. + +"Gradually the nebulous thoughts floating through his brain began to +solidify into a tangible idea, and the man unconsciously started +forward. After walking a few steps he broke into a run, for the +idea had grown clearer. It continued to grow still clearer and +clearer, and the man ran faster and faster, until at last he found +himself racing madly towards the lock. As he approached it he +looked round for the watchman who ought to have been there, but the +man was gone from his post. He shouted, but if any answer was +returned, it was drowned by the roar of the rushing water. + +"He reached the edge and looked down. Fifteen feet below him was +the reality of the dim vision that had come to him a mile back in +the woods: the woman's husband swimming round and round like a rat +in a pail. + +"The river was flowing in and out of the lock at the same rate, so +that the level of the water remained constant. The first thing the +man did was to close the lower sluices and then open those in the +upper gate to their fullest extent. The water began to rise. + +"'Can you hold out?' he cried. + +"The drowning man turned to him a face already contorted by the +agony of exhaustion, and answered with a feeble 'No.' + +"He looked around for something to throw to the man. A plank had +lain there in the morning, he remembered stumbling over it, and +complaining of its having been left there; he cursed himself now for +his care. + +"A hut used by the navvies to keep their tools in stood about two +hundred yards away; perhaps it had been taken there, perhaps there +he might even find a rope. + +"'Just one minute, old fellow!' he shouted down, 'and I'll be back.' + +"But the other did not hear him. The feeble struggles ceased. The +face fell back upon the water, the eyes half closed as if with weary +indifference. There was no time for him to do more than kick off +his riding boots and jump in and clutch the unconscious figure as it +sank. + +"Down there, in that walled-in trap, he fought a long fight with +Death for the life that stood between him and the woman. He was not +an expert swimmer, his clothes hampered him, he was already blown +with his long race, the burden in his arms dragged him down, the +water rose slowly enough to make his torture fit for Dante's hell. + +"At first he could not understand why this was so, but in glancing +down he saw to his horror that he had not properly closed the lower +sluices; in each some eight or ten inches remained open, so that the +stream was passing out nearly half as fast as it came in. It would +be another five-and-twenty minutes before the water would be high +enough for him to grasp the top. + +"He noted where the line of wet had reached to, on the smooth stone +wall, then looked again after what he thought must be a lapse of ten +minutes, and found it had risen half an inch, if that. Once or +twice he shouted for help, but the effort taxed severely his already +failing breath, and his voice only came back to him in a hundred +echoes from his prison walls. + +"Inch by inch the line of wet crept up, but the spending of his +strength went on more swiftly. It seemed to him as if his inside +were being gripped and torn slowly out: his whole body cried out to +him to let it sink and lie in rest at the bottom. + +"At length his unconscious burden opened its eyes and stared at him +stupidly, then closed them again with a sigh; a minute later opened +them once more, and looked long and hard at him. + +"'Let me go,' he said, 'we shall both drown. You can manage by +yourself.' + +"He made a feeble effort to release himself, but the other held him. + +"'Keep still, you fool!' he hissed; 'you're going to get out of this +with me, or I'm going down with you.' + +"So the grim struggle went on in silence, till the man, looking up, +saw the stone coping just a little way above his head, made one mad +leap and caught it with his finger-tips, held on an instant, then +fell back with a 'plump' and sank; came up and made another dash, +and, helped by the impetus of his rise, caught the coping firmly +this time with the whole of his fingers, hung on till his eyes saw +the stunted grass, till they were both able to scramble out upon the +bank and lie there, their breasts pressed close against the ground, +their hands clutching the earth, while the overflowing water swirled +softly round them. + +"After a while, they raised themselves and looked at one another. + +"'Tiring work,' said the other man, with a nod towards the lock. + +"'Yes,' answered the husband, 'beastly awkward not being a good +swimmer. How did you know I had fallen in? You met my wife, I +suppose?' + +"'Yes,' said the other man. + +"The husband sat staring at a point in the horizon for some minutes. +'Do you know what I was wondering this morning?' said he. + +"'No,' said the other man. + +"'Whether I should kill you or not.' + +"'They told me,' he continued, after a pause, 'a lot of silly gossip +which I was cad enough to believe. I know now it wasn't true, +because--well, if it had been, you would not have done what you have +done.' + +"He rose and came across. 'I beg your pardon,' he said, holding out +his hand. + +"'I beg yours,' said the other man, rising and taking it; 'do you +mind giving me a hand with the sluices?' + +"They set to work to put the lock right. + +"'How did you manage to fall in?' asked the other man, who was +raising one of the lower sluices, without looking round. + +"The husband hesitated, as if he found the explanation somewhat +difficult. 'Oh,' he answered carelessly, 'the wife and I were +chaffing, and she said she'd often seen you jump it, and'--he +laughed a rather forced laugh--'she promised me a--a kiss if I +cleared it. It was a foolish thing to do.' + +"'Yes, it was rather,' said the other man. + +"A few days afterwards the man and woman met at a reception. He +found her in a leafy corner of the garden talking to some friends. +She advanced to meet him, holding out her hand. 'What can I say +more than thank you?' she murmured in a low voice. + +"The others moved away, leaving them alone. 'They tell me you +risked your life to save his?' she said. + +"'Yes,' he answered. + +"She raised her eyes to his, then struck him across the face with +her ungloved hand. + +"'You damned fool!' she whispered. + +"He seized her by her white arms, and forced her back behind the +orange trees. 'Do you know why?' he said, speaking slowly and +distinctly; 'because I feared that, with him dead, you would want me +to marry you, and that, talked about as we have been, I might find +it awkward to avoid doing so; because I feared that, without him to +stand between us, you might prove an annoyance to me--perhaps come +between me and the woman I love, the woman I am going back to. Now +do you understand?' + +"'Yes,' whispered the woman, and he left her. + +"But there are only two people," concluded Jephson, "who do not +regard his saving of the husband's life as a highly noble and +unselfish action, and they are the man himself and the woman." + +We thanked Jephson for his story, and promised to profit by the +moral, when discovered. Meanwhile, MacShaughnassy said that he knew +a story dealing with the same theme, namely, the too close +attachment of a woman to a strange man, which really had a moral, +which moral was: don't have anything to do with inventions. + +Brown, who had patented a safety gun, which he had never yet found a +man plucky enough to let off, said it was a bad moral. We agreed to +hear the particulars, and judge for ourselves. + +"This story," commenced MacShaughnassy, "comes from Furtwangen, a +small town in the Black Forest. There lived there a very wonderful +old fellow named Nicholaus Geibel. His business was the making of +mechanical toys, at which work he had acquired an almost European +reputation. He made rabbits that would emerge from the heart of a +cabbage, flap their ears, smooth their whiskers, and disappear +again; cats that would wash their faces, and mew so naturally that +dogs would mistake them for real cats, and fly at them; dolls, with +phonographs concealed within them, that would raise their hats and +say, 'Good morning; how do you do?' and some that would even sing a +song. + +"But he was something more than a mere mechanic; he was an artist. +His work was with him a hobby, almost a passion. His shop was +filled with all manner of strange things that never would, or could, +be sold--things he had made for the pure love of making them. He +had contrived a mechanical donkey that would trot for two hours by +means of stored electricity, and trot, too, much faster than the +live article, and with less need for exertion on the part of the +driver; a bird that would shoot up into the air, fly round and round +in a circle, and drop to earth at the exact spot from where it +started; a skeleton that, supported by an upright iron bar, would +dance a hornpipe; a life-size lady doll that could play the fiddle; +and a gentleman with a hollow inside who could smoke a pipe and +drink more lager beer than any three average German students put +together, which is saying much. + +"Indeed, it was the belief of the town that old Geibel could make a +man capable of doing everything that a respectable man need want to +do. One day he made a man who did too much, and it came about in +this way. + +"Young Doctor Follen had a baby, and the baby had a birthday. Its +first birthday put Doctor Follen's household into somewhat of a +flurry, but on the occasion of its second birthday, Mrs. Doctor +Follen gave a ball in honour of the event. Old Geibel and his +daughter Olga were among the guests. + +"During the afternoon of the next day, some three or four of Olga's +bosom friends, who had also been present at the ball, dropped in to +have a chat about it. They naturally fell to discussing the men, +and to criticising their dancing. Old Geibel was in the room, but +he appeared to be absorbed in his newspaper, and the girls took no +notice of him. + +"'There seem to be fewer men who can dance, at every ball you go +to,' said one of the girls. + +"'Yes, and don't the ones who can, give themselves airs,' said +another; 'they make quite a favour of asking you.' + +"'And how stupidly they talk,' added a third. 'They always say +exactly the same things: "How charming you are looking to-night." +"Do you often go to Vienna? Oh, you should, it's delightful." +"What a charming dress you have on." "What a warm day it has been." +"Do you like Wagner?" I do wish they'd think of something new.' + +"'Oh, I never mind how they talk,' said a fourth. 'If a man dances +well he may be a fool for all I care.' + +"'He generally is,' slipped in a thin girl, rather spitefully. + +"'I go to a ball to dance,' continued the previous speaker, not +noticing the interruption. 'All I ask of a partner is that he shall +hold me firmly, take me round steadily, and not get tired before I +do.' + +"'A clockwork figure would be the thing for you,' said the girl who +had interrupted. + +"'Bravo!' cried one of the others, clapping her hands, 'what a +capital idea!' + +"'What's a capital idea?' they asked. + +"'Why, a clockwork dancer, or, better still, one that would go by +electricity and never run down.' + +"The girls took up the idea with enthusiasm. + +"'Oh, what a lovely partner he would make,' said one; 'he would +never kick you, or tread on your toes.' + +"'Or tear your dress,' said another. + +"'Or get out of step.' + +"'Or get giddy and lean on you.' + +"'And he would never want to mop his face with his handkerchief. I +do hate to see a man do that after every dance.' + +"'And wouldn't want to spend the whole evening in the supper-room.' + +"'Why, with a phonograph inside him to grind out all the stock +remarks, you would not be able to tell him from a real man,' said +the girl who had first suggested the idea. + +"'Oh yes, you would,' said the thin girl, 'he would be so much +nicer.' + +"Old Geibel had laid down his paper, and was listening with both his +ears. On one of the girls glancing in his direction, however, he +hurriedly hid himself again behind it. + +"After the girls were gone, he went into his workshop, where Olga +heard him walking up and down, and every now and then chuckling to +himself; and that night he talked to her a good deal about dancing +and dancing men--asked what they usually said and did--what dances +were most popular--what steps were gone through, with many other +questions bearing on the subject. + +"Then for a couple of weeks he kept much to his factory, and was +very thoughtful and busy, though prone at unexpected moments to +break into a quiet low laugh, as if enjoying a joke that nobody else +knew of. + +"A month later another ball took place in Furtwangen. On this +occasion it was given by old Wenzel, the wealthy timber merchant, to +celebrate his niece's betrothal, and Geibel and his daughter were +again among the invited. + +"When the hour arrived to set out, Olga sought her father. Not +finding him in the house, she tapped at the door of his workshop. +He appeared in his shirt-sleeves, looking hot, but radiant. + +"'Don't wait for me,' he said, 'you go on, I'll follow you. I've +got something to finish.' + +"As she turned to obey he called after her, 'Tell them I'm going to +bring a young man with me--such a nice young man, and an excellent +dancer. All the girls will like him.' Then he laughed and closed +the door. + +"Her father generally kept his doings secret from everybody, but she +had a pretty shrewd suspicion of what he had been planning, and so, +to a certain extent, was able to prepare the guests for what was +coming. Anticipation ran high, and the arrival of the famous +mechanist was eagerly awaited. + +"At length the sound of wheels was heard outside, followed by a +great commotion in the passage, and old Wenzel himself, his jolly +face red with excitement and suppressed laughter, burst into the +room and announced in stentorian tones: + +"'Herr Geibel--and a friend.' + +"Herr Geibel and his 'friend' entered, greeted with shouts of +laughter and applause, and advanced to the centre of the room. + +"'Allow me, ladies and gentlemen,' said Herr Geibel, 'to introduce +you to my friend, Lieutenant Fritz. Fritz, my dear fellow, bow to +the ladies and gentlemen.' + +"Geibel placed his hand encouragingly on Fritz's shoulder, and the +lieutenant bowed low, accompanying the action with a harsh clicking +noise in his throat, unpleasantly suggestive of a death rattle. But +that was only a detail. + +"'He walks a little stiffly' (old Geibel took his arm and walked him +forward a few steps. He certainly did walk stiffly), 'but then, +walking is not his forte. He is essentially a dancing man. I have +only been able to teach him the waltz as yet, but at that he is +faultless. Come, which of you ladies may I introduce him to, as a +partner? He keeps perfect time; he never gets tired; he won't kick +you or tread on your dress; he will hold you as firmly as you like, +and go as quickly or as slowly as you please; he never gets giddy; +and he is full of conversation. Come, speak up for yourself, my +boy.' + +"The old gentleman twisted one of the buttons of his coat, and +immediately Fritz opened his mouth, and in thin tones that appeared +to proceed from the back of his head, remarked suddenly, 'May I have +the pleasure?' and then shut his mouth again with a snap. + +"That Lieutenant Fritz had made a strong impression on the company +was undoubted, yet none of the girls seemed inclined to dance with +him. They looked askance at his waxen face, with its staring eyes +and fixed smile, and shuddered. At last old Geibel came to the girl +who had conceived the idea. + +"'It is your own suggestion, carried out to the letter,' said +Geibel, 'an electric dancer. You owe it to the gentleman to give +him a trial.' + +"She was a bright saucy little girl, fond of a frolic. Her host +added his entreaties, and she consented. + +"Herr Geibel fixed the figure to her. Its right arm was screwed +round her waist, and held her firmly; its delicately jointed left +hand was made to fasten itself upon her right. The old toymaker +showed her how to regulate its speed, and how to stop it, and +release herself. + +"'It will take you round in a complete circle,' he explained; 'be +careful that no one knocks against you, and alters its course.' + +"The music struck up. Old Geibel put the current in motion, and +Annette and her strange partner began to dance. + +"For a while every one stood watching them. The figure performed +its purpose admirably. Keeping perfect time and step, and holding +its little partner tightly clasped in an unyielding embrace, it +revolved steadily, pouring forth at the same time a constant flow of +squeaky conversation, broken by brief intervals of grinding silence. + +"'How charming you are looking to-night,' it remarked in its thin, +far-away voice. 'What a lovely day it has been. Do you like +dancing? How well our steps agree. You will give me another, won't +you? Oh, don't be so cruel. What a charming gown you have on. +Isn't waltzing delightful? I could go on dancing for ever--with +you. Have you had supper?' + +"As she grew more familiar with the uncanny creature, the girl's +nervousness wore off, and she entered into the fun of the thing + +"'Oh, he's just lovely,' she cried, laughing, 'I could go on dancing +with him all my life.' + +"Couple after couple now joined them, and soon all the dancers in +the room were whirling round behind them. Nicholaus Geibel stood +looking on, beaming with childish delight at his success, + +"Old Wenzel approached him, and whispered something in his ear. +Geibel laughed and nodded, and the two worked their way quietly +towards the door. + +"'This is the young people's house to-night,' said Wenzel, as soon +as they were outside; 'you and I will have a quiet pipe and a glass +of hock, over in the counting-house.' + +"Meanwhile the dancing grew more fast and furious. Little Annette +loosened the screw regulating her partner's rate of progress, and +the figure flew round with her swifter and swifter. Couple after +couple dropped out exhausted, but they only went the faster, till at +length they were the only pair left dancing. + +"Madder and madder became the waltz. The music lagged behind: the +musicians, unable to keep pace, ceased, and sat staring. The +younger guests applauded, but the older faces began to grow anxious. + +"'Hadn't you better stop, dear,' said one of the women, 'You'll make +yourself so tired.' + +"But Annette did not answer. + +"'I believe she's fainted,' cried out a girl, who had caught sight +of her face as it was swept by. + +"One of the men sprang forward and clutched at the figure, but its +impetus threw him down on to the floor, where its steel-cased feet +laid bare his cheek. The thing evidently did not intend to part +with its prize easily. + +"Had any one retained a cool head, the figure, one cannot help +thinking, might easily have been stopped. Two or three men, acting +in concert, might have lifted it bodily off the floor, or have +jammed it into a corner. But few human heads are capable of +remaining cool under excitement. Those who are not present think +how stupid must have been those who were; those who are, reflect +afterwards how simple it would have been to do this, that, or the +other, if only they had thought of it at the time. + +"The women grew hysterical. The men shouted contradictory +directions to one another. Two of them made a bungling rush at the +figure, which had the result of forcing it out of its orbit in the +centre of the room, and sending it crashing against the walls and +furniture. A stream of blood showed itself down the girl's white +frock, and followed her along the floor. The affair was becoming +horrible. The women rushed screaming from the room. The men +followed them. + +"One sensible suggestion was made: 'Find Geibel--fetch Geibel.' + +"No one had noticed him leave the room, no one knew where he was. A +party went in search of him. The others, too unnerved to go back +into the ballroom, crowded outside the door and listened. They +could hear the steady whir of the wheels upon the polished floor, as +the thing spun round and round; the dull thud as every now and again +it dashed itself and its burden against some opposing object and +ricocheted off in a new direction. + +"And everlastingly it talked in that thin ghostly voice, repeating +over and over the same formula: 'How charming you are looking to- +night. What a lovely day it has been. Oh, don't be so cruel. I +could go on dancing for ever--with you. Have you had supper?' + +"Of course they sought for Geibel everywhere but where he was. They +looked in every room in the house, then they rushed off in a body to +his own place, and spent precious minutes in waking up his deaf old +housekeeper. At last it occurred to one of the party that Wenzel +was missing also, and then the idea of the counting-house across the +yard presented itself to them, and there they found him. + +"He rose up, very pale, and followed them; and he and old Wenzel +forced their way through the crowd of guests gathered outside, and +entered the room, and locked the door behind them. + +"From within there came the muffled sound of low voices and quick +steps, followed by a confused scuffling noise, then silence, then +the low voices again. + +"After a time the door opened, and those near it pressed forward to +enter, but old Wenzel's broad shoulders barred the way. + +"'I want you--and you, Bekler,' he said, addressing a couple of the +elder men. His voice was calm, but his face was deadly white. 'The +rest of you, please go--get the women away as quickly as you can.' + +"From that day old Nicholaus Geibel confined himself to the making +of mechanical rabbits and cats that mewed and washed their faces." + +We agreed that the moral of MacShaughnassy's story was a good one. + + + +CHAPTER XII + + + +How much more of our--fortunately not very valuable--time we devoted +to this wonderful novel of ours, I cannot exactly say. Turning the +dogs'-eared leaves of the dilapidated diary that lies before me, I +find the record of our later gatherings confused and incomplete. +For weeks there does not appear a single word. Then comes an +alarmingly business-like minute of a meeting at which there were-- +"Present: Jephson, MacShaughnassy, Brown, and Self"; and at which +the "Proceedings commenced at 8.30." At what time the "proceedings" +terminated, and what business was done, the chronicle, however, +sayeth not; though, faintly pencilled in the margin of the page, I +trace these hieroglyphics: "3.14.9-2.6.7," bringing out a result of +"1.8.2." Evidently an unremunerative night. + +On September 13th we seem to have become suddenly imbued with energy +to a quite remarkable degree, for I read that we "Resolved to start +the first chapter at once"--"at once" being underlined. After this +spurt, we rest until October 4th, when we "Discussed whether it +should be a novel of plot or of character," without--so far as the +diary affords indication--arriving at any definite decision. I +observe that on the same day "Mac told a story about a man who +accidentally bought a camel at a sale." Details of the story are, +however, wanting, which, perhaps, is fortunate for the reader. + +On the 16th, we were still debating the character of our hero; and I +see that I suggested "a man of the Charley Buswell type." + +Poor Charley, I wonder what could have made me think of him in +connection with heroes; his lovableness, I suppose--certainly not +his heroic qualities. I can recall his boyish face now (it was +always a boyish face), the tears streaming down it as he sat in the +schoolyard beside a bucket, in which he was drowning three white +mice and a tame rat. I sat down opposite and cried too, while +helping him to hold a saucepan lid over the poor little creatures, +and thus there sprang up a friendship between us, which grew. + +Over the grave of these murdered rodents, he took a solemn oath +never to break school rules again, by keeping either white mice or +tame rats, but to devote the whole of his energies for the future to +pleasing his masters, and affording his parents some satisfaction +for the money being spent upon his education. + +Seven weeks later, the pervadence throughout the dormitory of an +atmospheric effect more curious than pleasing led to the discovery +that he had converted his box into a rabbit hutch. Confronted with +eleven kicking witnesses, and reminded of his former promises, he +explained that rabbits were not mice, and seemed to consider that a +new and vexatious regulation had been sprung upon him. The rabbits +were confiscated. What was their ultimate fate, we never knew with +certainty, but three days later we were given rabbit-pie for dinner. +To comfort him I endeavoured to assure him that these could not be +his rabbits. He, however, convinced that they were, cried steadily +into his plate all the time that he was eating them, and afterwards, +in the playground, had a stand-up fight with a fourth form boy who +had requested a second helping. + +That evening he performed another solemn oath-taking, and for the +next month was the model boy of the school. He read tracts, sent +his spare pocket-money to assist in annoying the heathen, and +subscribed to The Young Christian and The Weekly Rambler, an +Evangelical Miscellany (whatever that may mean). An undiluted +course of this pernicious literature naturally created in him a +desire towards the opposite extreme. He suddenly dropped The Young +Christian and The Weekly Rambler, and purchased penny dreadfuls; and +taking no further interest in the welfare of the heathen, saved up +and bought a second-hand revolver and a hundred cartridges. His +ambition, he confided to me, was to become "a dead shot," and the +marvel of it is that he did not succeed. + +Of course, there followed the usual discovery and consequent +trouble, the usual repentance and reformation, the usual +determination to start a new life. + +Poor fellow, he lived "starting a new life." Every New Year's Day +he would start a new life--on his birthday--on other people's +birthdays. I fancy that, later on, when he came to know their +importance, he extended the principle to quarter days. "Tidying up, +and starting afresh," he always called it. + +I think as a young man he was better than most of us. But he lacked +that great gift which is the distinguishing feature of the English- +speaking race all the world over, the gift of hypocrisy. He seemed +incapable of doing the slightest thing without getting found out; a +grave misfortune for a man to suffer from, this. + +Dear simple-hearted fellow, it never occurred to him that he was as +other men--with, perhaps, a dash of straightforwardness added; he +regarded himself as a monster of depravity. One evening I found him +in his chambers engaged upon his Sisyphean labour of "tidying up." A +heap of letters, photographs, and bills lay before him. He was +tearing them up and throwing them into the fire. + +I came towards him, but he stopped me. "Don't come near me," he +cried, "don't touch me. I'm not fit to shake hands with a decent +man." + +It was the sort of speech to make one feel hot and uncomfortable. I +did not know what to answer, and murmured something about his being +no worse than the average. + +"Don't talk like that," he answered excitedly; "you say that to +comfort me, I know; but I don't like to hear it. If I thought other +men were like me I should be ashamed of being a man. I've been a +blackguard, old fellow, but, please God, it's not too late. To- +morrow morning I begin a new life." + +He finished his work of destruction, and then rang the bell, and +sent his man downstairs for a bottle of champagne. + +"My last drink," he said, as we clicked glasses. "Here's to the old +life out, and the new life in." + +He took a sip and flung the glass with the remainder into the fire. +He was always a little theatrical, especially when most in earnest. + +For a long while after that I saw nothing of him. Then, one +evening, sitting down to supper at a restaurant, I noticed him +opposite to me in company that could hardly be called doubtful. + +He flushed and came over to me. "I've been an old woman for nearly +six months," he said, with a laugh. "I find I can't stand it any +longer." + +"After all," he continued, "what is life for but to live? It's only +hypocritical to try and be a thing we are not. And do you know"--he +leant across the table, speaking earnestly--"honestly and seriously, +I'm a better man--I feel it and know it--when I am my natural self +than when I am trying to be an impossible saint." + +That was the mistake he made; he always ran to extremes. He thought +that an oath, if it were only big enough, would frighten away Human +Nature, instead of serving only as a challenge to it. Accordingly, +each reformation was more intemperate than the last, to be duly +followed by a greater swing of the pendulum in the opposite +direction. + +Being now in a thoroughly reckless mood, he went the pace rather +hotly. Then, one evening, without any previous warning, I had a +note from him. "Come round and see me on Thursday. It is my +wedding eve." + +I went. He was once more "tidying up." All his drawers were open, +and on the table were piled packs of cards, betting books, and much +written paper, all, as before, in course of demolition. + +I smiled: I could not help it, and, no way abashed, he laughed his +usual hearty, honest laugh. + +"I know," he exclaimed gaily, "but this is not the same as the +others." + +Then, laying his hand on my shoulder, and speaking with the sudden +seriousness that comes so readily to shallow natures, he said, "God +has heard my prayer, old friend. He knows I am weak. He has sent +down an angel out of Heaven to help me." + +He took her portrait from the mantelpiece and handed it me. It +seemed to me the face of a hard, narrow woman, but, of course, he +raved about her. + +As he talked, there fluttered to the ground from the heap before him +an old restaurant bill, and, stooping, he picked it up and held it +in his hand, musing. + +"Have you ever noticed how the scent of the champagne and the +candles seems to cling to these things?" he said lightly, sniffing +carelessly at it. "I wonder what's become of her?" + +"I think I wouldn't think about her at all tonight," I answered. + +He loosened his hand, letting the paper fall into the fire. + +"My God!" he cried vehemently, "when I think of all the wrong I have +done--the irreparable, ever-widening ruin I have perhaps brought +into the world--O God! spare me a long life that I may make amends. +Every hour, every minute of it shall be devoted to your service." + +As he stood there, with his eager boyish eyes upraised, a light +seemed to fall upon his face and illumine it. I had pushed the +photograph back to him, and it lay upon the table before him. He +knelt and pressed his lips to it. + +"With your help, my darling, and His," he murmured. + +The next morning he was married. She was a well-meaning girl, +though her piety, as is the case with most people, was of the +negative order; and her antipathy to things evil much stronger than +her sympathy with things good. For a longer time than I had +expected she kept him straight--perhaps a little too straight. But +at last there came the inevitable relapse. + +I called upon him, in answer to an excited message, and found him in +the depths of despair. It was the old story, human weakness, +combined with lamentable lack of the most ordinary precautions +against being found out. He gave me details, interspersed with +exuberant denunciations of himself, and I undertook the delicate +task of peace-maker. + +It was a weary work, but eventually she consented to forgive him. +His joy, when I told him, was boundless. + +"How good women are," he said, while the tears came into his eyes. +"But she shall not repent it. Please God, from this day forth, +I'll--" + +He stopped, and for the first time in his life the doubt of himself +crossed his mind. As I sat watching him, the joy died out of his +face, and the first hint of age passed over it. + +"I seem to have been 'tidying up and starting afresh' all my life," +he said wearily; "I'm beginning to see where the untidiness lies, +and the only way to get rid of it." + +I did not understand the meaning of his words at the time, but +learnt it later on. + +He strove, according to his strength, and fell. But by a miracle +his transgression was not discovered. The facts came to light long +afterwards, but at the time there were only two who knew. + +It was his last failure. Late one evening I received a hurriedly- +scrawled note from his wife, begging me to come round. + +"A terrible thing has happened," it ran; "Charley went up to his +study after dinner, saying he had some 'tidying up,' as he calls it, +to do, and did not wish to be disturbed. In clearing out his desk +he must have handled carelessly the revolver that he always keeps +there, not remembering, I suppose, that it was loaded. We heard a +report, and on rushing into the room found him lying dead on the +floor. The bullet had passed right through his heart." + +Hardly the type of man for a hero! And yet I do not know. Perhaps +he fought harder than many a man who conquers. In the world's +courts, we are compelled to judge on circumstantial evidence only, +and the chief witness, the man's soul, cannot very well be called. + +I remember the subject of bravery being discussed one evening at a +dinner party, when a German gentleman present related an anecdote, +the hero of which was a young Prussian officer. + +"I cannot give you his name," our German friend explained--"the man +himself told me the story in confidence; and though he personally, +by virtue of his after record, could afford to have it known, there +are other reasons why it should not be bruited about. + +"How I learnt it was in this way. For a dashing exploit performed +during the brief war against Austria he had been presented with the +Iron Cross. This, as you are well aware, is the most highly-prized +decoration in our army; men who have earned it are usually conceited +about it, and, indeed, have some excuse for being so. He, on the +contrary, kept his locked in a drawer of his desk, and never wore it +except when compelled by official etiquette. The mere sight of it +seemed to be painful to him. One day I asked him the reason. We +are very old and close friends, and he told me. + +"The incident occurred when he was a young lieutenant. Indeed, it +was his first engagement. By some means or another he had become +separated from his company, and, unable to regain it, had attached +himself to a line regiment stationed at the extreme right of the +Prussian lines. + +"The enemy's effort was mainly directed against the left centre, and +for a while our young lieutenant was nothing more than a distant +spectator of the battle. Suddenly, however, the attack shifted, and +the regiment found itself occupying an extremely important and +critical position. The shells began to fall unpleasantly near, and +the order was given to 'grass.' + +"The men fell upon their faces and waited. The shells ploughed the +ground around them, smothering them with dirt. A horrible, griping +pain started in my young friend's stomach, and began creeping +upwards. His head and heart both seemed to be shrinking and growing +cold. A shot tore off the head of the man next to him, sending the +blood spurting into his face; a minute later another ripped open the +back of a poor fellow lying to the front of him. + +"His body seemed not to belong to himself at all. A strange, +shrivelled creature had taken possession of it. He raised his head +and peered about him. He and three soldiers--youngsters, like +himself, who had never before been under fire--appeared to be +utterly alone in that hell. They were the end men of the regiment, +and the configuration of the ground completely hid them from their +comrades. + +"They glanced at each other, these four, and read one another's +thoughts. Leaving their rifles lying on the grass, they commenced +to crawl stealthily upon their bellies, the lieutenant leading, the +other three following. + +"Some few hundred yards in front of them rose a small, steep hill. +If they could reach this it would shut them out of sight. They +hastened on, pausing every thirty yards or so to lie still and pant +for breath, then hurrying on again, quicker than before, tearing +their flesh against the broken ground. + +"At last they reached the base of the slope, and slinking a little +way round it, raised their heads and looked back. Where they were +it was impossible for them to be seen from the Prussian lines. + +"They sprang to their feet and broke into a wild race. A dozen +steps further they came face to face with an Austrian field battery. + +"The demon that had taken possession of them had been growing +stronger the further they had fled. They were not men, they were +animals mad with fear. Driven by the same frenzy that prompted +other panic-stricken creatures to once rush down a steep place into +the sea, these four men, with a yell, flung themselves, sword in +hand, upon the whole battery; and the whole battery, bewildered by +the suddenness and unexpectedness of the attack, thinking the entire +battalion was upon them, gave way, and rushed pell-mell down the +hill. + +"With the sight of those flying Austrians the fear, as independently +as it had come to him, left him, and he felt only a desire to hack +and kill. The four Prussians flew after them, cutting and stabbing +at them as they ran; and when the Prussian cavalry came thundering +up, they found my young lieutenant and his three friends had +captured two guns and accounted for half a score of the enemy. + +"Next day, he was summoned to headquarters. + +"'Will you be good enough to remember for the future, sir,' said the +Chief of the Staff, 'that His Majesty does not require his +lieutenants to execute manoeuvres on their own responsibility, and +also that to attack a battery with three men is not war, but damned +tomfoolery. You ought to be court-martialled, sir!' + +"Then, in somewhat different tones, the old soldier added, his face +softening into a smile: 'However, alertness and daring, my young +friend, are good qualities, especially when crowned with success. +If the Austrians had once succeeded in planting a battery on that +hill it might have been difficult to dislodge them. Perhaps, under +the circumstances, His Majesty may overlook your indiscretion.' + +"'His Majesty not only overlooked it, but bestowed upon me the Iron +Cross,' concluded my friend. 'For the credit of the army, I judged +it better to keep quiet and take it. But, as you can understand, +the sight of it does not recall very pleasurable reflections.'" + + +To return to my diary, I see that on November 14th we held another +meeting. But at this there were present only "Jephson, +MacShaughnassy, and Self"; and of Brown's name I find henceforth no +further trace. On Christmas eve we three met again, and my notes +inform me that MacShaughnassy brewed some whiskey-punch, according +to a recipe of his own, a record suggestive of a sad Christmas for +all three of us. No particular business appears to have been +accomplished on either occasion. + +Then there is a break until February 8th, and the assemblage has +shrunk to "Jephson and Self." With a final flicker, as of a dying +candle, my diary at this point, however, grows luminous, shedding +much light upon that evening's conversation. + +Our talk seems to have been of many things--of most things, in fact, +except our novel. Among other subjects we spoke of literature +generally. + +"I am tired of this eternal cackle about books," said Jephson; +"these columns of criticism to every line of writing; these endless +books about books; these shrill praises and shrill denunciations; +this silly worship of novelist Tom; this silly hate of poet Dick; +this silly squabbling over playwright Harry. There is no soberness, +no sense in it all. One would think, to listen to the High Priests +of Culture, that man was made for literature, not literature for +man. Thought existed before the Printing Press; and the men who +wrote the best hundred books never read them. Books have their +place in the world, but they are not its purpose. They are things +side by side with beef and mutton, the scent of the sea, the touch +of a hand, the memory of a hope, and all the other items in the sum- +total of our three-score years and ten. Yet we speak of them as +though they were the voice of Life instead of merely its faint echo. +Tales are delightful AS tales--sweet as primroses after the long +winter, restful as the cawing of rooks at sunset. But we do not +write 'tales' now; we prepare 'human documents' and dissect souls." + +He broke off abruptly in the midst of his tirade. "Do you know what +these 'psychological studies,' that are so fashionable just now, +always make me think of?" he said. "One monkey examining another +monkey for fleas. + +"And what, after all, does our dissecting pen lay bare?" he +continued. "Human nature? or merely some more or less unsavoury +undergarment, disguising and disfiguring human nature? There is a +story told of an elderly tramp, who, overtaken by misfortune, was +compelled to retire for a while to the seclusion of Portland. His +hosts, desiring to see as much as possible of their guest during his +limited stay with them, proceeded to bath him. They bathed him +twice a day for a week, each time learning more of him; until at +last they reached a flannel shirt. And with that they had to be +content, soap and water proving powerless to go further. + +"That tramp appears to me symbolical of mankind. Human Nature has +worn its conventions for so long that its habit has grown on to it. +In this nineteenth century it is impossible to say where the clothes +of custom end and the natural man begins. Our virtues are taught to +us as a branch of 'Deportment'; our vices are the recognised vices +of our reign and set. Our religion hangs ready-made beside our +cradle to be buttoned upon us by loving hands. Our tastes we +acquire, with difficulty; our sentiments we learn by rote. At cost +of infinite suffering, we study to love whiskey and cigars, high art +and classical music. In one age we admire Byron and drink sweet +champagne: twenty years later it is more fashionable to prefer +Shelley, and we like our champagne dry. At school we are told that +Shakespeare is a great poet, and that the Venus di Medici is a fine +piece of sculpture; and so for the rest of our lives we go about +saying what a great poet we think Shakespeare, and that there is no +piece of sculpture, in our opinion, so fine as the Venus di Medici. +If we are Frenchmen we adore our mother; if Englishmen we love dogs +and virtue. We grieve for the death of a near relative twelve +months; but for a second cousin we sorrow only three. The good man +has his regulation excellencies to strive after, his regulation sins +to repent of. I knew a good man who was quite troubled because he +was not proud, and could not, therefore, with any reasonableness, +pray for humility. In society one must needs be cynical and mildly +wicked: in Bohemia, orthodoxly unorthodox. I remember my mother +expostulating with a friend, an actress, who had left a devoted +husband and eloped with a disagreeable, ugly, little low comedian (I +am speaking of long, long ago). + +"'You must be mad,' said my mother; 'what on earth induced you to +take such a step?' + +"'My dear Emma,' replied the lady; 'what else was there for me? You +know I can't act. I had to do SOMETHING to show I was 'an artiste!' + +"We are dressed-up marionettes. Our voice is the voice of the +unseen showman, Convention; our very movements of passion and pain +are but in answer to his jerk. A man resembles one of those +gigantic bundles that one sees in nursemaids' arms. It is very +bulky and very long; it looks a mass of delicate lace and rich fur +and fine woven stuffs; and somewhere, hidden out of sight among the +finery, there is a tiny red bit of bewildered humanity, with no +voice but a foolish cry. + +"There is but one story," he went on, after a long pause, uttering +his own thoughts aloud rather than speaking to me. "We sit at our +desks and think and think, and write and write, but the story is +ever the same. Men told it and men listened to it many years ago; +we are telling it to one another to-day; we shall be telling it to +one another a thousand years hence; and the story is: 'Once upon a +time there lived a man, and a woman who loved him.' The little +critic cries that it is not new, and asks for something fresh, +thinking--as children do--that there are strange things in the +world." + + +At that point my notes end, and there is nothing in the book beyond. +Whether any of us thought any more of the novel, whether we ever met +again to discuss it, whether it were ever begun, whether it were +ever abandoned--I cannot say. There is a fairy story that I read +many, many years ago that has never ceased to haunt me. It told how +a little boy once climbed a rainbow. And at the end of the rainbow, +just behind the clouds, he found a wondrous city. Its houses were +of gold, and its streets were paved with silver, and the light that +shone upon it was as the light that lies upon the sleeping world at +dawn. In this city there were palaces so beautiful that merely to +look upon them satisfied all desires; temples so perfect that they +who once knelt therein were cleansed of sin. And all the men who +dwelt in this wondrous city were great and good, and the women +fairer than the women of a young man's dreams. And the name of the +city was, "The city of the things men meant to do." + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Novel Notes, by Jerome K. Jerome + diff --git a/old/nvlnt10.zip b/old/nvlnt10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2507095 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/nvlnt10.zip |