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diff --git a/20353.txt b/20353.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e6f854 --- /dev/null +++ b/20353.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1995 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Best Nonsense Verses, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Best Nonsense Verses + +Author: Various + +Editor: Josephine Dodge Daskam + +Release Date: January 15, 2007 [EBook #20353] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEST NONSENSE VERSES *** + + + + +Produced by Sigal Alon, Fox in the Stars, Linda Cantoni, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +The Best Nonsense +Verses, Chosen by +Josephine Dodge Daskam + + +EVANSTON +WILLIAM S. LORD +1902 + +Copyright 1901 +WILLIAM S. LORD + + + + +PUBLISHER'S NOTE + + +The publisher desires to acknowledge the courtesy of authors and +publishers in granting permission to reprint the verses contained in +this book. To Mr. Guy Wetmore Carryl, whose "Fables for the Frivolous" +are published by Messrs. Harper & Brothers; to Mr. Charles E. Carryl, +whose verses appeared originally in _St. Nicholas_; to Mr. Oliver +Herford, whose "Child's Primer of Natural History" is published by +Messrs. Charles Scribner's Sons; to the same author for the selection +from "Alphabet of Celebrities," published by Messrs. Small, Maynard & +Co.; and Messrs. Harper & Brothers, the publishers of du Maurier's "A +Legend of Camelot;" and to Messrs. Little, Brown & Co., who publish an +edition of Lear's Nonsense Books. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + Page + +Father William Lewis Carroll 7 + +The Walrus and the Carpenter Lewis Carroll 9 + +The Hunting of the Snark, Extracts Lewis Carroll 14 + +Jabberwocky Lewis Carroll 19 + +The Jumblies Edward Lear 21 + +The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo Edward Lear 25 + +Nonsense Verses Edward Lear 30 + +Gentle Alice Brown W.S. Gilbert 33 + +Emily, John, James and I W.S. Gilbert 37 + +Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen W.S. Gilbert 41 + +The Sycophantic Fox and the Gullible Raven Guy Wetmore Carryl 45 + +Red Ridinghood Guy Wetmore Carryl 47 + +A Nautical Ballad Charles E. Carryl 50 + +The Plaint of the Camel Charles E. Carryl 52 + +Child's Natural History Oliver Herford 54 + +Alphabet of Celebrities Oliver Herford 56 + +Nonsense Verses Gelett Burgess 57 + +Vers Nonsensiques George du Maurier 59 + +Nonsense Verses W.S. Gilbert 60 + +Varia Anonymous 61 + + + + +BEST NONSENSE VERSES + + + + +FATHER WILLIAM + + +"You are old, father William," the young man said, + "And your hair has become very white: +And yet you incessantly stand on your head-- + Do you think, at your age, it is right?" + +"In my youth," father William replied to his son, + "I feared it might injure the brain: +But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, + Why, I do it again and again." + +"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, + And have grown most uncommonly fat; +Yet you turned a back somersault in at the door-- + Pray, what is the reason of that?" + +"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, + "I kept all my limbs very supple +By the use of this ointment--one shilling the box-- + Allow me to sell you a couple." + +"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak + For anything tougher than suet; +Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak; + Pray, how did you manage to do it?" + +"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, + And argued each case with my wife: +And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw + Has lasted the rest of my life." + +"You are old," said the youth; "one would hardly suppose + That your eye was as steady as ever; +Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose-- + What made you so awfully clever?" + +"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," + Said his father; "don't give yourself airs! +Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? + Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" + +[_Lewis Carroll_ + + + + +THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER + + +The sun was shining on the sea, + Shining with all his might: +He did his very best to make + The billows smooth and bright-- +And this was odd, because it was + The middle of the night. + +The moon was shining sulkily, + Because she thought the sun +Had got no business to be there + After the day was done-- +"It's very rude of him," she said, + "To come and spoil the fun!" + +The sea was wet as wet could be, + The sands were dry as dry. +You could not see a cloud, because + No cloud was in the sky: +No birds were flying overhead-- + There were no birds to fly. + +The Walrus and the Carpenter + Were walking close at hand: +They wept like anything to see + Such quantities of sand: +"If this were only cleared away," + They said, "it would be grand!" + +"If seven maids with seven mops + Swept it for half a year, +Do you suppose," the Walrus said + "That they could get it clear!" +"I doubt it," said the Carpenter, + And shed a bitter tear. + +"O Oysters come and walk with us!" + The Walrus did beseech. +"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, + Along the briny beach: +We cannot do with more than four, + To give a hand to each." + +The eldest Oyster looked at him, + But never a word he said: +The eldest Oyster winked his eye, + And shook his heavy head-- +Meaning to say he did not choose + To leave the oyster-bed. + +But four young oysters hurried up, + All eager for the treat: +Their coats were brushed, their faces washed, + Their shoes were clean and neat-- +And this was odd, because, you know, + They hadn't any feet. + +Four other oysters followed them, + And yet another four; +And thick and fast they came at last, + And more, and more, and more-- +All hopping through the frothy waves, + And scrambling to the shore. + +The Walrus and the Carpenter + Walked on a mile or so, +And then they rested on a rock + Conveniently low: +And all the little Oysters stood + And waited in a row. + +"The time has come," the Walrus said, + "To talk of many things; +Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- + Of cabbages--and kings-- +And why the sea is boiling hot-- + And whether pigs have wings." + +"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, + "Before we have our chat: +For some of us are out of breath, + And all of us are fat!" +"No hurry!" said the Carpenter. + They thanked him much for that. + +"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, + "Is what we chiefly need: +Pepper and vinegar besides + Are very good indeed-- +Now if you're ready, Oysters dear, + We can begin to feed." + +"But not on us!" the Oysters cried, + Turning a little blue. +"After such kindness that would be + A dismal thing to do!" +"The night is fine," the Walrus said, + "Do you admire the view?" + +"It was so kind of you to come! + And you are very nice!" +The Carpenter said nothing but + "Cut us another slice: +I wish you were not quite so deaf-- + I've had to ask you twice!" + +"It seems a shame," the Walrus said, + "To play them such a trick, +After we've brought them out so far, + And made them trot so quick!" +The Carpenter said nothing but + "The butter's spread too thick!" + +"I weep for you," the Walrus said: + "I deeply sympathize." +With sobs and tears he sorted out + Those of the largest size, +Holding his pocket-handkerchief + Before his streaming eyes. + +"O Oysters," said the Carpenter, + "You've had a pleasant run! +Shall we be trotting home again?" + But answer came there none-- +And this was scarcely odd, because + They'd eaten every one. + +[_Lewis Carroll_ + + + + +THE HUNTING OF THE SNARK--Extracts + + +"Come, listen, my men, while I tell you again + The five unmistakable marks +By which you may know, wheresoever you go, + The warranted genuine Snarks. + +"Let us take them in order. The first is the taste, + Which is meagre and hollow, but crisp: +Like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist, + With a flavour of Will-o-the-wisp. + +"Its habit of getting up late you'll agree + That it carries too far, when I say +That it frequently breakfasts at five-o'clock tea, + And dines on the following day. + +"The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines, + Which it constantly carries about, +And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes-- + A sentiment open to doubt. + +"The fifth is ambition. It next will be right + To describe each particular batch: +Distinguishing those that have feathers, and bite, + From those that have whiskers, and scratch. + +"For although common Snarks do no manner of harm, + Yet I feel it my duty to say +Some are Boojums--" The Bellman broke off in alarm, + For the Baker had fainted away. + + * * * * * + +They roused him with muffins--they roused him with ice-- + They roused him with mustard and cress-- +They roused him with jam and judicious advice-- + They set him conundrums to guess. + +When at length he sat up and was able to speak, + His sad story he offered to tell; +And the Bellman cried "Silence! Not even a shriek!" + And excitedly tingled his bell. + +There was silence supreme! Not a shriek, not a scream, + Scarcely even a howl or a groan, +As the man they called "Ho!" told his story of woe + In an antediluvian tone. + +"My father and mother were honest, though poor--" + "Skip all that!" cried the Bellman in haste, +"If it once becomes dark, there's no chance of a Snark. + We have hardly a minute to waste!" + +"I skip forty years," said the Baker, in tears, + "And proceed without further remark +To the day when you took me aboard of your ship + To help you in hunting the Snark. + +"A dear uncle of mine (after whom I was named) + Remarked, when I bade him farewell--" +"Oh, skip your dear uncle," the Bellman exclaimed, + As he angrily tingled his bell. + +"He remarked to me then," said the mildest of men, + "'If your Snark be a Snark, that is right; +Fetch it home by all means--you may serve it with greens + And it's handy for striking a light. + +"'You may seek it with thimbles--and seek it with care; + You may hunt it with forks and hope; +You may threaten its life with a railway-share; + You may charm it with smiles and soap-- + +"'But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day, + If your Snark be a Boojum! For then +You will softly and suddenly vanish away + And never be met with again!' + +"It is this, it is this that oppresses my soul, + When I think of my uncle's last words: +And my heart is like nothing so much as a bowl + Brimming over with quivering curds! + +"It is this, it is this--" "We have had that before!" + The Bellman indignantly said. +And the Baker replied "Let me say it once more. + It is this, it is this that I dread! + +"I engage with the Snark--every night after dark-- + In a dreamy delirious fight: +I serve it with greens in those shadowy scenes, + And I use it for striking a light: + +"But if ever I met with a Boojum, that day, + In a moment (of this I am sure), +I shall softly and suddenly vanish away-- + And the notion I cannot endure!" + + * * * * * + +The Bellman looked uffish and wrinkled his brow. + "If only you'd spoken before! +It's excessively awkward to mention it now, + With the Snark, so to speak, at the door! + +"We should all of us grieve, as you well may believe, + If you never were met with again-- +But surely, my man, when the voyage began, + You might have suggested it then? + +"It's excessively awkward to mention it now-- + As I think I've already remarked." +And the man they called "Hi!" replied, with a sigh, + "I informed you the day we embarked. + +"You may charge me with murder--or want of sense-- + (We are all of us weak at times) +But the slightest approach to a false pretence + Was never among my crimes! + +"I said it in Hebrew--I said it in Dutch-- + I said it in German and Greek: +But I wholly forgot (and it vexes me much) + That English is what you speak!" + +[_Lewis Carroll_ + + + + +JABBERWOCKY. + + +'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves + Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; +All mimsy were the borogoves, + And the mome raths outgrabe. + +"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! + The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! +Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun + The frumious Bandersnatch!" + +He took his vorpal sword in hand; + Long time the manxome foe he sought. +So rested he by the Tumtum tree, + And stood awhile in thought. + +And as in uffish thought he stood, + The Jabberwock with eyes of flame, +Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, + And burbled as it came! + +One, two! One, two! And through, and through, + The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! +He left it dead, and with its head + He went galumphing back. + +"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? + Come to my arms, my beamish boy! +Oh, frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" + He chortled in his joy. + +'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves + Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: +All mimsy were the borogoves + And the mome raths outgrabe. + +[_Lewis Carroll_ + + + + +THE JUMBLIES + + +1 + +They went to sea in a sieve, they did; + In a sieve they went to sea: +In spite of all their friends could say, +On a winter's morn, on a stormy day, + In a sieve they went to sea. +And when the sieve turned round and round, +And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned!" +They called aloud, "Our sieve ain't big; +But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig; + In a sieve we'll go to sea!" + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + +2 + +They sailed away in a sieve, they did, + In a sieve they sailed so fast, +With only a beautiful pea-green veil +Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail, + To a small tobacco-pipe mast. +And everyone said who saw them go, +"Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know? +For the sky is dark, and the voyage long; +And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong + In a sieve to sail so fast." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + +3 + +The water it soon came in, it did: + The water it soon came in: +So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet +In a pinky paper all folded neat; + And they fastened it down with a pin. +And they passed the night in a crockery jar; +And each of them said, "How wise we are! +Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, +Yet we never can think we are rash or wrong. + While round in our sieve we spin." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue: + And they went to sea in a sieve. + +4 + +And all night long they sailed away: + And when the sun went down, +They whistled and warbled a moony song +To the echoing sound of the coppery gong, + In the shade of the mountains brown. +"O Timballoo! How happy we are +When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar! +And all night long, in the moonlight pale, +We sail away with a pea-green sail + In the shade of the mountains brown." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue: + And they went to sea in a sieve. + +5 + +They sailed to the Western sea, they did-- + To a land all covered with trees; +And they bought an owl, and a useful cart, +And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart, + And a hive of silvery bees; +And they bought a pig, and some green jackdaws, +And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws, +And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree, + And no end of Stilton cheese. + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue: + And they went to sea in a sieve. + +6 + +And in twenty years they all came back,-- + In twenty years or more; +And every one said, "How tall they've grown! +For they've been to the lakes, and the Torrible Zone, + And the hills of the Chankly Bore." +And they drank their health, and gave them a feast +Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast; +And every one said, "If we only live, +We, too, will go to sea in a sieve, + To the hills of the Chankly Bore." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live; + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, + And they went to sea in a sieve. + +[_Edward Lear_ + + + + +THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BO + + +1 + +On the Coast of Coromandel + Where the early pumpkins blow, + In the middle of the woods + Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. +Two old chairs, and half a candle, +One old jug without a handle,-- + These were all his worldly goods: + In the middle of the woods, + These were all the worldly goods +Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, +Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + +2 + +Once, among the Bong-trees walking + Where the early pumpkins blow, + To a little heap of stones + Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. +There he heard a Lady talking, +To some milk-white Hens of Dorking,-- + "'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones! + On that little heap of stones + Sits the Lady Jingly Jones!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + +3 + +"Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! + Sitting where the pumpkins blow, + Will you come and be my wife?" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, +"I am tired of living singly,-- +On this coast so wild and shingly,--- + I'm a-weary of my life; + If you'll come and be my wife, + Quite serene would be my life!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + +4 + +"On this Coast of Coromandel + Shrimps and watercresses grow, + Prawns are plentiful and cheap," + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. +"You shall have my chairs and candle, +And my jug without a handle! + Gaze upon the rolling deep + (Fish is plentiful and cheap): + As the sea, my love is deep!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + +5 + +Lady Jingly answered sadly, + And her tears began to flow,-- + "Your proposal comes too late, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! +I would be your wife most gladly!" +(Here she twirled her fingers madly,) + "But in England I've a mate! + Yes! you've asked me far too late, + For in England I've a mate, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + +6 + +"Mr. Jones (his name is Handel,-- + Handel Jones, Esquire & Co.) + Dorking fowls delights to send, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! +Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, +And your jug without a handle,-- + I can merely be your friend! + Should my Jones more Dorkings send, + I will give you three, my friend! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + +7 + +"Though you've such a tiny body, + And your head so large doth grow,-- + Though your hat may blow away, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! +Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, +Yet I wish that I could modi- + fy the words I needs must say! + Will you please to go away? + That is all I have to say, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!" + +8 + +Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, + Where the early pumpkins blow, + To the calm and silent sea + Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. +There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, +Lay a large and lively Turtle. + "You're the Cove," he said, "for me; + On your back beyond the sea, + Turtle, you shall carry me!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + +9 + +Through the silent roaring ocean + Did the Turtle swiftly go; + Holding fast upon his shell + Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. +With a sad primeval motion +Toward the sunset isles of Boshen + Still the Turtle bore him well. + Holding fast upon his shell, + "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell!" + Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + +10 + + From the Coast of Coromandel + Did that Lady never go, + On that heap of stones she mourns + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. +On that Coast of Coromandel, +In his jug without a handle + Still she weeps, and daily moans; + On the little heap of stones + To her Dorking Hens she moans, + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + +[_Edward Lear_ + + + + +NONSENSE VERSES + + +1 + +There was an Old Man with a beard, +Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- +Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, +Have all built their nests in my beard." + +2 + +There was an old man of Hong Kong, +Who never did anything wrong; +He lay on his back, with his head in a sack, +That innocuous old man of Hong Kong. + +3 + +There was an Old Man who supposed +That the street door was partially closed; +But some very large Rats ate his coats and his hats, +While that futile Old Gentleman dozed. + +4 + +There was a Young Lady of Norway, +Who casually sat in a doorway; +When the door squeezed her flat, she exclaimed "What of that?" +This courageous Young Lady of Norway. + +5 + +There was an old person of Bow, +Whom nobody happened to know; +So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, "We hope +You will go back directly to Bow!" + +6 + +There was an Old Man on some rocks, +Who shut his wife up in a box: +When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt +You will pass all your life in that box!" + +7 + +There was an old man who said, "How +Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? +I will sit on this stile, and continue to smile, +Which may soften the heart of that Cow." + +8 + +There was an old man who said "Hush! +I perceive a young bird in this bush!" +When they said, "Is it small?" he replied, "Not at all; +It is four times as big as the bush!" + +9 + +There was a young person in green, +Who seldom was fit to be seen; +She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all, +Which enveloped that person in green. + +10 + +There was an old person of Ware, +Who rode on the back of a bear; +When they asked, "Does it trot?" he said, "Certainly not! +He's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear!" + +[_Edward Lear_ + + + + +GENTLE ALICE BROWN + + +It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown, +Her father was the terror of a small Italian town; +Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing; +But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing. + +As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day +A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way; +She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true, +That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentleman like you!" + +And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen, +She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten, +A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road +(The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode). + +But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise +To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes; +So she sought the village priest to whom her family confessed-- +The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed. + +"Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'twould grieve you, would it not? +To discover that I was a most disreputable lot! +Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!" +The padre said, "Whatever have you been and gone and done?" + +"I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad, +I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad. +I've planned a little burglary and forged a little cheque, +And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!" + +The worthy pastor heaved a sigh, and dropped a silent tear-- +And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear-- +It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece; +But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown apiece. + +"Girls will be girls--you're very young and flighty in your mind; +Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find; +We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks-- +Let's see--five crimes at half-a-crown--exactly twelve-and-six." + +"Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep, +You do these little things for me so singularly cheap-- +Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget; +But, oh, there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet! + +"A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes-- +I've noticed at my window as I've sat a-catching flies; +He passes by it every day as certain as can be-- +I blush to say I've winked at him, and he has winked at me!" + +"For shame," said Father Paul, "my erring daughter! On my word +This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard. +Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand +To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band! + +"This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so! +They are the most remunerative customers I know; +For many, many years they've kept starvation from my doors, +I never knew so criminal a family as yours! + +"The common country folk in this insipid neighborhood +Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good; +And if you marry any one respectable at all, +Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul?" + +The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown, +And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown; +To tell him how his daughter, who was now for marriage fit, +Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it. + +Good Robber Brown he muffled up his anger pretty well, +He said, "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell; +I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits, +And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits. + +"I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two; +Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do, +A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall +When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small." + +He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square; +He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware; +He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head, +And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed. + +And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind, +She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind, +Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand +On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band. + +[_W.S. Gilbert_ + + + + +EMILY, JOHN, JAMES, AND I + +A Derby Legend + + +Emily Jane was a nursery maid-- + James was a bold Life Guard, +And John was constable, poorly paid + (And I am a doggerel bard). + +A very good girl was Emily Jane, + Jimmy was good and true, +And John was a very good man in the main + (And I am a good man, too). + +Rivals for Emmie were Johnny and James, + Though Emily liked them both; +She couldn't tell which had the strongest claims + (And I couldn't take my oath). + +But sooner or later you're certain to find + Your sentiments can't lie hid-- +Jane thought it was time that she made up her mind + (And I think it was time she did). + +Said Jane, with a smirk and a blush on her face, + "I'll promise to wed the boy +Who takes me to-morrow to Epsom Race!" + (Which I would have done, with joy). + +From Johnny escaped an expression of pain, + But Jimmy said, "Done with you! +I'll take you with pleasure, my Emily Jane!" + (And I would have said so too). + +Johnny lay on the ground, and he roared like mad + (For Johnny was sore perplexed), +And he kicked very hard at a very small lad + (Which I often do, when vexed). + +For John was on duty next day with the Force, + To punish all Epsom crimes; +Some people will cross when they're clearing the course + (I do it myself, sometimes). + + * * * * * + +The Derby Day sun glittered gaily on cads, + On maidens with gamboge hair, +On sharpers and pickpockets, swindlers and pads + (For I, with my harp, was there). + +And Jimmy went down with his Jane that day + And John by the collar or nape +Seized everybody who came in his way + (And I had a narrow escape). + +He noticed his Emily Jane with Jim, + And envied the well made elf; +And people remarked that he muttered "Oh, dim!" + (I often say "dim!" myself). + +John dogged them all day, without asking their leaves; + For his sergeant he told, aside, +That Jimmy and Jane were notorious thieves + (And I think he was justified). + +But James wouldn't dream of abstracting a fork, + And Jenny would blush with shame +At stealing so much as a bottle or cork + (A bottle I think fair game). + +But, ah! there's another more serious crime! + They wickedly strayed upon +The course, at a critical moment of time + (I pointed them out to John). + +The crusher came down on the pair in a crack-- + And then, with a demon smile, +Let Jenny cross over, but sent Jimmy back + (I played on my harp the while). + +Stern Johnny their agony loud derides + With a very triumphant sneer-- +They weep and they wail from the opposite sides + (And I shed a silent tear). + +And Jenny is crying away like mad, + And Jimmy is swearing hard; +And Johnny is looking uncommonly glad + (And I am a doggerel bard). + +But Jimmy he ventured on crossing again + The scenes of our Isthmian Games-- +John caught him and collared him, giving him pain + (I felt very much for James). + +John led him away with a victor's hand, + And Jimmy was shortly seen +In the station-house under the grand Grand Stand + (As many a time I've been). + +And Jimmy, bad boy, was imprisoned for life, + Though Emily pleaded hard; +And Johnny had Emily Jane to wife + (And I am a doggerel bard). + +[_W.S. Gilbert_ + + + + +ELLEN M'JONES ABERDEEN + + +Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan +Was the son of an elderly laboring man, +You've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight, +And p'raps altogether, shrewd reader, you're right. + +From the bonnie blue Forth to the hills of Deeside, +Round by Dingwall and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde, +There wasn't a child or woman or man +Who could pipe with Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan. + +No other could wake such detestable groans, +With reed and with chanter--with bag and with drones: +All day and all night he delighted the chiels +With sniggering pibrochs and jiggety reels. + +He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground, +And the neighboring maidens would gather around +To list to his pipes and to gaze in his een, +Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. + +All loved their M'Clan, save a Sassenach brute, +Who came to the Highlands to fish and to shoot! +He dressed himself up in a Highlander way, +Though his name it was Pattison Corby Torbay. + +Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense +To make him a Scotchman in every sense: +But this is a matter, you'll readily own, +That isn't a question of tailors alone. + +A Sassenach chief may be bonily built, +He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt; +Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes-- +But he cannot assume an affection for pipes. + +Clonglocketty's pipings all night and all day +Quite frenzied poor Pattison Corby Torbay; +The girls were amused at his singular spleen, +Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. + +"Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus, my lad, +With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad; +If you really must play on that cursed affair, +My goodness! play something resembling an air." + +Boiled over the blood of Macphairson M'Clan-- +The clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man; +For all were enraged at the insult, I ween-- +Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. + +"Let's show," said M'Clan, "to this Sassenach loon +That the bagpipes can play him a regular tune. +Let's see," said M'Clan, as he thoughtfully sat, +"'In My Cottage' is easy--I'll practice at that." + +He blew at his "Cottage," and blew with a will, +For a year, seven months, and a fortnight until +(You'll hardly believe it) M'Clan, I declare, +Elicited something resembling an air. + +It was wild--it was fitful--as wild as the breeze-- +It wandered about into several keys; +It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware, +But still it distinctly suggested an air. + +The Sassenach screamed and the Sassenach danced, +He shrieked in his agony--bellowed and pranced; +And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene, +Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. + +"Hech gather, hech gather, hech gather around; +And fill a' yer lugs wi' the exquisite sound, +An air frae the bagpipes--beat that if ye can! +Hurrah for Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan!" + +The fame of his piping spread over the land; +Respectable widows proposed for his hand, +And maidens came flocking to sit on the green-- +Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. + +One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore +He'd stand it no longer--he drew his claymore, +And (this was, I think, in extremely bad taste), +Divided Clonglocketty close to the waist. + +Oh! loud were the wailings for Angus M'Clan-- +Oh! deep was the grief for that excellent man-- +The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene, +Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. + +It sorrowed poor Pattison Corby Torbay +To find them "take on" in this serious way. +He pitied the poor little fluttering birds, +And solaced their souls with the following words:-- + +"Oh, maidens," said Pattison, touching his hat, +"Don't snivel, my dears, for a fellow like that; +Observe, I'm a very superior man, +A much better fellow than Angus M'Clan." + +They smiled when he winked and addressed them as "dears," +And they all of them vowed, as they dried up their tears, +A pleasanter gentleman never was seen-- +Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. + +[_W.S. Gilbert_ + + + + +THE SYCOPHANTIC FOX AND THE GULLIBLE RAVEN + + +A raven sat upon a tree, +And not a word he spoke, for +His beak contained a bit of Brie, +Or, maybe, it was Roquefort: + We'll make it any kind you please, + At all events, it was a cheese. + +Beneath the tree's umbrageous limb +A hungry fox sat smiling; +He saw the raven watching him, +And spoke in words beguiling. + "_J'admire_," said he "_ton beau plumage_," + (The which was simply persiflage.) + +Two things there are, no doubt you know, +To which a fox is used; +A rooster that is bound to crow, +A crow that's bound to roost, + And whichsoever he espies + He tells the most unblushing lies. + +"Sweet fowl," he said, "I understand +You're more than merely natty, +I hear you sing to beat the band +And Adelina Patti. + Pray render with your liquid tongue + A bit from 'Goetterdaemmerung.'" + +This subtle speech was aimed to please +The crow, and it succeeded: +He thought no bird in all the trees +Could sing as well as he did. + In flattery completely doused + He gave the "Jewel Song" from "Faust." + +But gravitation's law, of course, +As Isaac Newton showed it, +Exerted on the cheese its force. +And elsewhere soon bestowed it, + In fact, there is no need to tell + What happened when to earth it fell. + +I wish to add that when the bird +Took in the situation +He said one brief, emphatic word, +Unfit for publication. + The fox was greatly startled, but + He only sighed and answered "Tut." + +The Moral is: A fox is bound +To be a shameless sinner. +And also: When the cheese comes round +You know it's after dinner. + But (what is only known to few) + The fox is after dinner, too. + +[_Guy Wetmore Carryl_ + + + + +RED RIDINGHOOD + + +Most worthy of praise were the virtuous ways + Of Little Red Riding Hood's ma, +And no one was ever more cautious and clever + Than Little Red Riding Hood's pa. +They never misled, for they meant what they said, + And frequently said what they meant: +They were careful to show her the way she should go, + And the way that they showed her, she went. + For obedience she was effusively thanked, + And for anything else she was carefully spanked. + +It thus isn't strange that Red Riding Hood's range + Of virtues so steadily grew, +That soon she won prizes of different sizes, + And golden enconiums, too. +As a general rule she was head of her school, + And at six was so notably smart +That they gave her a check for reciting The Wreck + Of the Hesperus wholly by heart. + And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure, + When I add that the money she gave to the poor. + +At eleven this lass had a Sunday-school class, + At twelve wrote a volume of verse, +At fourteen was yearning for glory, and learning + To be a professional nurse. +To a glorious height the young paragon might + Have climbed, if not nipped in the bud, +But the following year struck her smiling career + With a dull and a sickening thud! + (I have shad a great tear at the thought of her pain, + And must copy my manuscript over again!) + +Not dreaming of harm, one day on her arm + A basket she hung. It was filled +With drinks made of spices, and jellies, and ices, + And chicken-wings, carefully grilled, +And a savory stew, and a novel or two + She persuaded a neighbor to loan, +And a Japanese fan, and a hot water-can. + And a bottle of _eau de cologne_, + And the rest of the things that your family fill + Your room with whenever you chance to be ill. + +She expected to find her decrepit but kind + Old grandmother waiting her call, +Exceedingly ill. Oh, that face on the pillow + Did not look familiar at all! +With a whitening cheek she started to speak, + But her peril she instantly saw: +Her grandma had fled and she'd tackled instead + Four merciless paws and a maw! + When the neighbors came running the wolf to subdue + He was licking his chops--and Red Riding Hood's, too! + +At this horrible tale some readers will pale, + And others with horror grow dumb, +And yet it was better, I fear, he should get her:-- + Just think what she might have become! +For an infant so keen might in future have been + A woman of awful renown, +Who carried on fights for her feminine rights, + As the Mare of an Arkansas town, + Or she might have continued the sin of her 'teens + And come to write verse for the Big Magazines! + + _The Moral_ + + The Moral: There's nothing much glummer + Than children whose talents appal. + One much prefers those that are dumber, + And as for the paragons small-- + If a swallow cannot make a summer. + It can bring on a summary fall! + +[_Guy Wetmore Carryl_ + + + + +A NAUTICAL BALLAD + + +A capital ship for an ocean trip, + Was the "Walloping Window-blind"; +No gale that blew dismayed her crew + Or troubled the captain's mind. +The man at the wheel was taught to feel + Contempt for the wildest blow, +And it often appeared, when the weather had cleared, + That he'd been in his bunk below. + +"The boatswain's mate was very sedate, + Yet fond of amusement, too; +And he played hop-scotch with the starboard watch, + While the captain tickled the crew. +And the gunner we had was apparently mad, + For he sat on the after rail, +And fired salutes with the captain's boots, + In the teeth of the booming gale. + +"The captain sat in a commodore's hat + And dined in a royal way +On toasted pigs and pickles and figs + And gummery bread each day. +But the cook was Dutch and behaved as such; + For the diet he gave the crew +Was a number of tons of hot-cross buns + Prepared with sugar and glue. + +"All nautical pride we laid aside, + And we cast the vessel ashore +On the Gulliby Isles, where the Poohpooh smiles, + And the Rumbletumbunders roar. +And we sat on the edge of a sandy ledge + And shot at the whistling bee; +And the cinnamon-bats wore water-proof hats + As they danced in the sounding sea. + +"On rubgub bark, from dawn to dark, + We fed, till we all had grown +Uncommonly shrunk,--when a Chinese junk + Came by from the torriby zone. +She was stubby and square, but we didn't much care, + And we cheerily put to sea; +And we left the crew of the junk to chew + The bark of the rubgub tree." + +[_Charles E. Carryl_ + + + + +THE PLAINT OF THE CAMEL + + +"Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed, + Parrots have crackers to crunch: +And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles +Have chickens and cream for their lunch. + But there's never a question + About MY digestion-- +Anything does for me! + +"Cats, you're aware, can repose in a chair, + Chickens can roost upon rails; +Puppies are able to sleep in a stable, +And oysters can slumber in pails. + But no one supposes + A poor Camel dozes-- +Any place does for me! + +"Lambs are enclosed where it's never exposed, + Coops are constructed for hens: +Kittens are treated to houses well heated, +And pigs are protected by pens. + But a Camel comes handy + Wherever it's sandy-- +Anywhere does for me! + +"People would laugh if you rode a giraffe, + Or mounted the back of an ox; +It's nobody's habit to ride on a rabbit, +Or try to bestraddle a fox. + But as for a Camel, he's + Ridden by families-- +Any load does for me! + +"A snake is as round as a hole in the ground, + And weasels are wavy and sleek; +And no alligator could ever be straighter +Than lizards that live in a creek, + But a Camel's all lumpy + And bumpy and humpy-- +Any shape does for me!" + +[_Charles E. Carryl_ + + + + +CHILD'S NATURAL HISTORY + + +_Geese_ + +Ev-er-y child who has the use +Of his sen-ses knows a goose. +Sees them un-der-neath the tree +Gath-er round the goose-girl's knee, +While she reads them by the hour +From the works of Scho-pen-hau-er. +How pa-tient-ly the geese at-tend! +But do they re-al-ly com-pre-hend +What Scho-pen-hau-er's driving at? +Oh, not at all; but what of that? +Nei-ther do I; nei-ther does she; +And, for that matter, nor does he. + +_A Seal_ + +See, children, the Furbearing Seal; +Ob-serve his mis-di-rect-ed zeal; +He dines with most ab-ste-mi-ous care +On Fish, Ice Water and Fresh Air +A-void-ing cond-i-ments or spice +For fear his fur should not be nice +And fine and soft and smooth and meet +For Broad-way or for Re-gent Street, +And yet some-how I often feel +(Though for the kind Fur-bear-ing Seal +I harbor a Re-spect Pro-found) +He runs Fur-bear-ance in the ground. + +_The Ant_ + +My child, ob-serve the use-ful Ant, +How hard she works each day. +She works as hard as ad-a-mant +(That's very hard, they say). +She has no time to gall-i-vant; +She has no time to play. +Let Fido chase his tail all day; +Let Kitty play at tag; +She has no time to throw away, +She has no tail to wag; +She scurries round from morn till night; +She nev-er nev-er sleeps; +She seiz-es ev-ery-thing in sight, +She drags it home with all her might, +And all she takes she keeps. + +_The Yak_ + +This is the Yak, so negligee; +His coif-fure's like a stack of hay; +He lives so far from Any-where, +I fear the Yak neglects his hair. +And thinks, since there is none to see, +What mat-ter how un-kempt he be: +How would he feel if he but knew +That in this Picture-book I drew +His Phys-i-og-no-my un-shorn, +For children to de-ride and scorn? + +[_Oliver Herford_ + +[From "A Child's Primer of Natural History." Copyright, 1899, by +Oliver Herford, Chas. Scribner's Sons, Publishers] + + + + +ALPHABET OF CELEBRITIES + + +E is for Edison, making believe +He's invented a clever contrivance for Eve, +Who complained that she never could laugh in her sleeve. + +O is for Oliver, casting aspersion +On Omar, that awfully dissolute Persian, +Though secretly longing to join the diversion. + +R's Rubenstein, playing that old thing in F +To Rollo and Rembrandt, who wish they were deaf. + +S is for Swinburne, who, seeking the true, +The good, and the beautiful, visits the Zoo, +Where he chances on Sappho and Mr. Sardou, +And Socrates, all with the same end in view. + +W's Wagner, who sang and played lots, +For Washington, Wesley and good Dr. Watts; +His prurient plots pained Wesley and Watts, +But Washington said he "enjoyed them in spots." + +[_Oliver Herford_ + + + + +NONSENSE VERSES + + +1 + +The Window has Four little Panes: + But One have I; +The Window-Panes are in its sash,-- + I wonder why! + +2 + +My Feet they haul me 'round the House: + They hoist me up the Stairs; +I only have to steer them and + They ride me everywheres. + +3 + +Remarkable truly, is Art! +See--Elliptical wheels on a Cart! + It looks very fair + In the Picture up there; +But imagine the Ride when you start! + +4 + +I'd rather have fingers than Toes; +I'd rather have Ears than a Nose: + And as for my hair, + I'm glad it's all there, +I'll be awfully sad when it goes! + +5 + +I wish that my Room had a floor; +I don't so much care for a Door, + But this walking around + Without touching the ground +Is getting to be quite a bore! + +[_Gelett Burgess_ + + + + +VERS NONSENSIQUES + + +I am gai. I am poet. I dvell +Rupert Street, at the fifth. I am svell. + And I sing tralala + And I love my mamma, +And the English, I speaks him quite well! + +2 + +"Cassez-vous, cassez-vous, cassez-vous, +O mer, sur vos froids gris cilloux!" + Ainsi traduisit Laure + Au profit d'Isadore +(Bon jeune homme, et son futur epoux.) + +3 + +Il existe une espinstere a Tours +Un peu vite, et qui portait toujours + Un ulster peau-de-phoque, + Un chapeau bilicoque, +Et des nicrebocquers en velours. + +4 + +Un marin naufrage (de Doncastre) +Pour priere, au milieu du desastre + Repetait a genoux + Ces mots simples et doux:-- +"Scintellez, scintellez, petit astre!" + +[_George du Maurier_ + + + + +NONSENSE VERSES + + +1 + +There was a small boy of Quebec, +Who was buried in snow to his neck: +When they said, "Are you friz?" + He replied, "Yes I is-- +But we don't call this cold in Quebec!" + +[_Rudyard Kipling_ + +2 + +There was an old man of St. Bees, +Who was stung in the arm by a wasp: +When they asked, "Does it hurt?" + He replied, "No it doesn't, +But I thought all the while 'twas a Hornet!" + +[_W.S. Gilbert_ + + + + +VARIA. + + +1 + +There was an old man of Tarentum +Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em; + And when asked for the cost + Of what he had lost, +Said, "I really can't tell, for I rent 'em!" + +2 + +A lady there was of Antigua, +Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!" + He answered, "My queen + Is it manners you mean, +Or do you refer to my figure?" + +3 + +There were three young women of Birmingham, +And I know a sad story concerning 'em; + They stuck needles and pins + In the right rev'rend shins +Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em! + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Best Nonsense Verses, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEST NONSENSE VERSES *** + +***** This file should be named 20353.txt or 20353.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/3/5/20353/ + +Produced by Sigal Alon, Fox in the Stars, Linda Cantoni, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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