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diff --git a/20352-h/20352-h.htm b/20352-h/20352-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbd0e56 --- /dev/null +++ b/20352-h/20352-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,17677 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + img {border: 0} + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} + .trnote {background-color: #EEE; color: inherit; margin: 2em 5% 1em 5%; font-size: 80%; + padding: 0.5em 1em 0.5em 1em; border: dotted 1px gray;} + .padding {padding-bottom: 2em; padding-top: 2em;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .right {text-align: right;} + .left {text-align: left;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + ins.translit {text-decoration: none;} + ins.correct {text-decoration: none;} + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i3 {display: block; margin-left: 3em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i14 {display: block; margin-left: 14em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i12 {display: block; margin-left: 12em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i6 {display: block; margin-left: 6em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i8 {display: block; margin-left: 8em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Jest Book + The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings + +Author: Mark Lemon + +Release Date: January 13, 2007 [EBook #20352] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE JEST BOOK *** + + + + +Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Christine D. and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="padding"> +<h1><span class="smcap">The Jest Book</span></h1> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100px;"> +<img src="images/001.jpg" width="100" height="68" alt="crest" title="crest" /> +</div></div> + +<div class="padding"> +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">University Press: Welch, Bigelow, & Co.</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80px;"> +<img src="images/002.jpg" width="80" height="60" alt="crest" title="crest" /> +</div> +</div> +<div class="padding"> +<h1><span class="smcap">The Jest Book</span></h1> + +<h4>THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS</h4> + +<p class="center">SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY</p> + +<h2>MARK LEMON</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/003.jpg" width="400" height="403" alt="Title page" title="Title page" /> +</div> + +<p class="center">CAMBRIDGE<br /> +SEVER AND FRANCIS<br /> +1865</p> +</div> +<div class="padding"> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/005.jpg" width="400" height="186" alt="Preface decorative" title="Preface decorative" /> +</div></div> + +<h2>PREFACE.</h2> + +<p>The Compiler of this new <span class="smcap">Jest Book</span> is desirous to make known that it is +composed mainly of old jokes,—some older than Joe Miller himself,—with +a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In +the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many +Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after +century, until their original utterer is lost in the "mist of ages"; a +Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus +resembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but +are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have +satisfied themselves as to the <i>Origin of Species</i> and the <i>Antiquity of +Man</i>, could not better employ their speculative minds than in +determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have +been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage, +"the Oldest Inhabitant."</p> + +<p>A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like "a thing of +beauty," "a joy forever," therefore we may opine that Yorick's "flashes +of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Hamlet +was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish invaders, and +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span>descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited +jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe +and tankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the <i>Black Jack</i> +in Clare Market.</p> + +<p>Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the +collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays +in the time of the First and Second Georges; but the same false Medium +has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to London +City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he be-ladled by a cross +cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return +and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice +Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chronicles, that +Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin +long stood over the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have +destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to +succeed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the +Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in +Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller, +but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and +visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St. +Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance "the English Maggot +dance," and after the appearance of "two Harlequins, conclude with a +Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettledrums- and Trumpets." And +when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to "walk up," let us +march in the train of the great Mime, until he takes his ease in his +inn,—the <i>Black Jack</i> aforesaid,—and laugh at his jibes and flashes of +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span>merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great killjoy, +Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard +in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his social +virtues.</p> + +<p>Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not rob us of that +conviction!</p> + +<p>The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and +diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false,—the pure gold +from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned +chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of +Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein +it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a +great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." ... +"Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue, +condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they +sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons +also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or +erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives +me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long +as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy, +and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long +they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise +their Judgment."</p> + +<p>Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that "Wit lies in an +assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and +vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to +make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy."</p> + +<p>Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by +observing that "an assemblage of Ideas<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span> productive merely of pleasure +does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add +surprise."</p> + +<p>Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit "to consist in a quick +conception of Thought and an easy Delivery"; nor the many other +definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention."</p> + +<p>The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a +conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty, +"which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man"; and +despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of +the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd +sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the +Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not +one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will +miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare +it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to +show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<i>The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his +Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he +has brought together.</p> + +<p class="right">M.L.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 155px;"> +<img src="images/008.jpg" width="155" height="100" alt="crest" title="crest" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + +<div class="padding"> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/009.jpg" width="400" height="137" alt="First page decorative" title="First page decorative" /> +</div></div> + +<h2><a name="THE_JEST_BOOK" id="THE_JEST_BOOK"></a>THE JEST BOOK.</h2> + +<h4>I.—THE RISING SON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pope</span> dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many +compliments. "I wonder, Pope," said the prince, "that you, who are so +severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me."—"It is," said the +wily bard, "because I like the lion before his claws are grown."</p> + +<h4>II.—SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Watkin Williams Wynne</span> talking to a friend about the antiquity of his +family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere +mushroom of yesterday. "How so, pray?" said the baronet. "Why," +continued the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular +family was shown to me: it filled five large skins of parchment, and +near the middle of it was a note in the margin: '<i>About this time the +world was created</i>.'"</p> + +<h4>III.—A BAD EXAMPLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> noble lord being in his early years much addicted to +dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, +whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What! madam," said he, "would +you have me to imitate a man who <i>eats like a beast, and drinks like a +fish</i>?"</p> + +<h4>IV.—A CONFIRMED INVALID.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> woman, who had attended several confirmations,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> was at length +recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said +his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as +I can; they tell me it is <i>good for the rheumatis</i>."</p> + +<h4>V.—COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor Hardwick's</span> bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to +procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the +dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he +could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have +got a sow exactly of <i>your ladyship's size</i>."</p> + +<h4>VI.—AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had +been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The diamond quit—with me the pencil take,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So shall <i>your shame</i> but short duration make;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who 't was that <i>wrote so ill!—and loved so well</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>VII.—NO HARM DONE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of +his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had +called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then, +I shall soon make up the quarrel."</p> + +<h4>VIII.—BEARDING A BARBER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Highlander</span>, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to +get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having +shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No, +no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> does not +satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked +what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says +Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, <i>pit on</i> my beard again."</p> + +<h4>IX.—CHANGING HIS COAT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A wealthy</span> merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential +friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded, +by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as +it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I +introduce him?"—"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a +<i>Liveryman</i> of the <i>city of London</i>. <i>What</i> is more honorable?"</p> + +<h4>X.—GOOD ADVICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lady</span> —— spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small +beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so +effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of <i>good</i> +ale by it."</p> + +<h4>XI.—NEW RELATIONSHIP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A stranger</span> to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother," +expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are +brothers—<i>brothers-in-law</i>."</p> + +<h4>XII.—A SMALL INHERITANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his +speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of +Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little +inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will +leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of +those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. "Just look +at Mitford," said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he +crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a <i>small</i> +inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + +<h4>XIII.—A DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who +explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I'm +aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the <i>i-t-c-h</i> in your name," +said Jerrold.</p> + +<h4>XIV.—THE LIGHT SUBJECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those +who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of +<i>one fourth</i>. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving +them some <i>quarter</i>."</p> + +<h4>XV.—COMPLIMENTARY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord North</span>, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his +physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some +old acquaintances."—"Who are they, my lord?"—"<i>My ribs,</i>" replied his +lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now."</p> + +<h4>XVI.—A FAIR SUBSTITUTE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that +probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the +honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like +it."—"Then let the king <i>knight her</i>," answered the rough seaman.</p> + +<h4>XVII.—A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Daniel Purcell</span>, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore. +"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O, +sir," said he, "the <i>king</i> is no <i>subject</i>."</p> + +<h4>XVIII.—A CONVERT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A notorious</span> miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, +exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have +almost a mind to turn <i>beggar</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> + +<h4>XIX.—INCREDIBLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these +attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how +I came by these boots?" Many <i>probable</i> guesses then took place. "No!" +said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will,—I bought them, +and paid for them!"</p> + +<h4>XX.—ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's +allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of +many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you +need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."—"Yes, +father, I must confess you <i>allowed</i> it; but then it was never paid."</p> + +<h4>XXI.—SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Pitcairn</span> had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church, +probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that +gentleman of having been a warm admirer of <i>Calvinism</i>), and seeing the +parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What +makes the man <i>greet</i>?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him. +"By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too, +if you were in his place, <i>and had as little to say</i>."—"Come along with +me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow +to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.</p> + +<h4>XXII.—A WONDERFUL WOMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her +eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty +to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the +nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in +the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a +nervous complaint, was asked in her turn,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> "What brought her to +Buxton?"—"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess; +"for, thank God, I was born before <i>nerves came into fashion</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXIII.—A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman +of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. +Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, +"Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a +shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking +archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must <i>borrow</i> it." Sheridan +was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.</p> + +<h4>XXIV.—A WRITTEN CHARACTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">George III.</span> having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a +large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his +majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought," +was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing; +"it will do very well for the <i>next horse you sell</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXV.—WELL MATCHED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Busby</span>, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day +accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal +stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor, +politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"—"O, sir," said the +baronet, "my expression alluded to the <i>size of your intellect</i>."—"And +my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the <i>size of yours</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXVI.—A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A butcher</span> of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at +a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the +ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To +which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam, +the best rump I cannot <i>sell</i> lower than tenpence halfpenny <i>a pound</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + +<h4>XXVII.—THREE CAUSES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Three</span> gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, <i>because +he was hot</i>. "Bring me another," says his companion, "<i>because I am +cold</i>." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out, +"Here, boy, bring me a glass, <i>because I like it</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXVIII.—THE CONNOISSEUR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown +one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the +remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I +am <i>stone blind</i> already."</p> + +<h4>XXIX.—A SYMBOL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A satiric</span> poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk +ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some +of the saints, who are always painted with <i>the symbols</i> of their +martyrdom."</p> + +<h4>XXX.—THE ONE THING WANTING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her +sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a <i>match</i>; I think you +want the <i>brimstone</i>";—she replied, "No, not the <i>brimstone</i>, only the +<i>spark</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXXI.—A HORSE LAUGH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A coachman</span>, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that +"if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would <i>bear malice</i> like a +<i>Christian</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXXII.—ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. A.</span>, physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to +reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's +misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you +would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as <i>I have +covered so many blunders of yours</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> + +<h4>XXXIII.—A NOVEL COMPLAINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician +felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"—"Yes," said the patient. +"Do you sleep well?"—"I do."—"Then," said the physician, "I shall give +you something to take away <i>all that</i>!"</p> + +<h4>XXXIV.—A CONJUGAL CAUTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir George Etherege</span>, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself +from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun +him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would +certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message +being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband, +who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that +had the impudence!"—"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the +good man; "you don't know what a man may do <i>in a passion</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXXV.—A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article: +"Memoirs of Charles the First,—with, a <i>head capitally executed</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXXVI.—MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lunatic</span> in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a +dispute."—"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was +<i>mad</i>; I said the world was <i>mad</i>, and they <i>outwitted me</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXXVII.—PLEASANT INVITATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a +gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a +picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day +came to see it, and says it is <i>a copy</i>. If any one says so again, I'll +<i>break his head</i>. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to +come, and give me <i>your real opinion of it</i>?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> + +<h4>XXXVIII.—WELL-BRED HORSE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">How</span> does your new-purchased horse <i>answer</i>?" said the late Duke of +Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I <i>really</i> don't know," replied George, +"for I never <i>asked him a question</i>."</p> + +<h4>XXXIX.—"ONE FOR HIS NOB."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A barrister</span> entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he +was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every +observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself +to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this +wig."—"Nothing but <i>the head</i>," was the answer.</p> + +<h4>XL.—SOUND AND FURY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on +the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the +philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? +"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all <i>noises</i>, I think music is +the least disagreeable."</p> + +<h4>XLI.—COME OF AGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing +to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied +the other; "but I can inform you that <i>an ass</i> is older at twenty than a +man at sixty!"</p> + +<h4>XLII.—A STRIKING NOTICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was +pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care, +friend, thou mayest run <i>thy face</i> against <i>my fist</i>."</p> + +<h4>XLIII.—UP IN THE WORLD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A fellow</span> boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father +died in an exalted situation. Some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> of the company looking incredulous, +another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as +my father was sheriff for the county when his was <i>hanged</i> for +horse-stealing."</p> + +<h4>XLIV.—REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> General V—— was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his +lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old +beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with +fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage, +the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to +your honor's honor: for sure I did not <i>dream</i> last night that her +ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of +tobacco."—"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of +contrary."—"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean, +that your honor will give me <i>the tea</i>, and her ladyship <i>the tobacco</i>."</p> + +<h4>XLV.—A DOGGED ANSWER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Boswell</span>, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think +that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet. +"I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a <i>dog</i> in the town +but what thinks so."</p> + +<h4>XLVI.—VISIBLE DARKNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to +render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a +couple of <i>decent</i> candles to <i>see</i> how these others <i>burn</i>."</p> + +<h4>XLVII.—HIC-CUPPING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner +introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift +addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, hæc, +hoc, with you."—"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to +comply, but it must be out of a <i>hujus</i> glass."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> + +<h4>XLVIII.—WORDS THAT BURN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Robertson</span> observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the +righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes," +exclaimed Burke, "<i>oil of vitriol</i>!"</p> + +<h4>XLIX.—PASSING THE BOTTLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord, +he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle +at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, +he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if <i>the +bottle was passed so quickly</i>, not one of them would be able to stand +out the evening."</p> + +<h4>L.—"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Rogers</span> was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis +whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, +"Will you, Sir Philip,—will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a +single question?"—"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic +answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked +him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether +he is <i>Junius</i>; but, if he be, he is certainly <i>Junius Brutus</i>."</p> + +<h4>LI.—A WEAK WOMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A loving</span> husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe +for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the +doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after, +the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife +followed my advice?"—"She has done everything in her power to do it, +doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass <i>higher +than her mouth</i>."</p> + +<h4>LII.—TOO MANY COOKS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Elwes</span>, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> servant, your +work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three, +you may <i>do it yourself</i>."</p> + +<h4>LIII.—LOOK IN HIS FACE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Lord Howe</span>, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the +middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him +with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If +that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we +shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, +and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be +afraid, the fire is extinguished."—"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do +you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the +lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir, +when he is afraid? <i>I need not ask how he looks</i>."</p> + +<h4>LIV.—NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">John Horne Tooke's</span> opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. "Law," +he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be +easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person observed +to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial, +and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction. +"And so," said Tooke, "is the <i>London Tavern</i>, to such as can afford to +<i>pay for their entertainment</i>."</p> + +<h4>LV.—AN EXTINGUISHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">While</span> Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight, +with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came +running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near the +powder magazine."—"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the +least degree discomposed, "<i>run back and assist in putting it out</i>."</p> + +<h4>LVI.—A BAD SHOT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A cockney</span> being out one day amusing himself with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> shooting, happened to +fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The +shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at +me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I +<i>never hit</i> what I fire at."</p> + +<h4>LVII.—WISE PRECAUTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure +hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful +and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he +suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be <i>grave</i>: here comes a +<i>fool</i>."</p> + +<h4>LVIII.—A TRUMP CARD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago, +Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess +observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous +than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr. +Rogers, "that <i>clubs</i> are worse than <i>diamonds</i>." This joke excited a +laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following +<i>impromptu</i> sermonet—most appropriately <i>on a card</i>:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades,"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Unmindful of that <i>Knave of Spades</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Sexton and his Subs:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">How foolishly we play our parts!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Our <i>wives</i> on <i>diamonds</i> set their <i>hearts</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>We</i> set our <i>hearts</i> on <i>clubs</i>!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>LIX.—MISTAKEN IDENTITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> attending a lady several times, had received a couple of +guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but +one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe, +madam," said he, "I have <i>dropt a guinea</i>."—"No, sir," replied the +lady, "it is I that have <i>dropt it</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<h4>LX.—ALONE IN HIS GLORY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A facetious</span> fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the +latter told him he was no "gentleman."—"Are <i>you</i> a gentleman?" asked +the droll one. "Yes, sir," bounced the fop. "Then, I am very glad <i>I am +not</i>," replied the other.</p> + +<h4>LXI.—A CAPITAL LETTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Lloyd</span>, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by +his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor +Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church +said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt <i>Prophet</i> with an F.</p> + +<h4>LXII.—A GOOD PARSON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Hickringal</span>, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains, +whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his +faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall, +and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always +quarrelling with me?"—"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth +the doctor, "for telling the truth."—"No, no," says the king, "but I +would have us for the future be friends."—"Well, well," quoth the +doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,—as <i>you +mend I'll mend</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXIII.—SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A chimney-sweeper's</span> boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf, +and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that +he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of +dough, "you will have <i>the less to carry</i>."—"True," replied the lad, +and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker +called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that," +said young sooty, "you will have <i>the less to count</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> + +<h4>LXIV.—THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Kames</span> used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his +acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the +justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened +one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the +ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he +met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I +will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me? +My name's John ——; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for +stealing sheep?"—"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife? +she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them +to be stolen."—"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got +off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher +trade."—"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of +<i>meeting again</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXV.—A LATE EDITION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the +manuscript of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer +and Virgil were forgotten, <i>but not till then</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXVI.—VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Scotland</span>! thy weather's like a modish wife,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So termagant awhile her thunder tries,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when she can no longer scold, she cries.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>LXVII.—THREE TOUCHSTONES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:—"The goodness of gold +is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men +by the ordeal of women."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> + +<h4>LXVIII.—A DIALOGUE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6"><i>Pope.</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Since</span> my old friend is grown so great,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As to be minister of state,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope)<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6"><i>Craggs.</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Alas</span>! if I am such a creature,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To grow the worse for growing greater,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Why, faith, in spite of all my brags,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>LXIX.—BEAR AND VAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name +is such a long one, I shall drop the <i>sittart</i>, and call you <i>Van</i> for +the future."—"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall +drop <i>croft</i>, and call you <i>Bear</i>!"</p> + +<h4>LXX.—EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Lie</span> heavy on him, Earth! for he<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Laid many heavy loads on thee!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>LXXI.—PROVING THEIR METAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to +this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower +declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the +measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks +them proved <i>prince's metal</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXII.—A DISTANT PROSPECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Through</span> an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may +be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no +very pleasing scenery.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> Porson, walking that way with a friend, and +observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a +<i>fellowship</i>, which was a long dreary walk, with a church <i>at the end of +it</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXIII.—SOUND SLEEPER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a +dream."—"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not <i>hear you</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXIV.—A CHEAP CURE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and +luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and <i>earn it</i>!" was the +pithy answer.</p> + +<h4>LXXV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">You</span> say, without reward or fee,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I say he never did prescribe for me,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The proof is plain,—<i>I'm living still</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>LXXVI.—A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Several</span> young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of +representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an +excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to +apologize to the audience, and told them that <i>a</i> Mr. —— had declined +to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the "<i>a</i>," +and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who +replied that he supposed Mr. —— wanted to be called <i>the</i> Mr. +So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "<i>Definite +Article</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXVII.—A BANKER'S CHECK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Rogers</span>, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote +very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"They say he has no heart, and I deny it:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He has a heart, and—<i>gets his speeches by it</i>."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>LXXVIII.—A FILLIP FOR HIM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just +made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied +the <i>wrong Phillips</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXIX.—BLACK OILS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">What's</span> the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected +around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put +on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted. +"Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor +negro <i>to get oil</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXX.—A BAD CROP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A seedsman</span> being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language +respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line +of his profession—to promote business, he wished to <i>sow sedition</i>.</p> + +<h4>LXXXI.—A GRAVE DOCTOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor Crips</span> being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company, +a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner +being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his +surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is +but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his <i>old patients</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXXII.—WASTE POWDER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span> being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume +remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing +an eight-and-forty pounder at the <i>door of a pigsty</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXXIII.—THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a +very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so +sorrowful. "Alas!" said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> he, "I am in a state of insolvency."—"Well," +said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your +<i>creditors</i>, who ought to wear a woful countenance."</p> + +<h4>LXXXIV.—BLACK AND WHITE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition, +setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one +evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary +legislative wisdom."—"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was +for the Irish that they were not <i>born black</i>! They would then have had +plenty of friends in both houses."</p> + +<h4>LXXXV.—HOME IS HOME.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I live</span> in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I +don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a <i>sty</i> +in them when I saw her last."</p> + +<h4>LXXXVI.—A LIGHT STUDY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in +front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, +"Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"—"No, sir," replied the +alderman, "I am studying <i>gas-tronomy</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXXVII.—A CLIMAX.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were +numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope +you'll mend."—"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is <i>my last +folly</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXXVIII.—SIMPLE DIVISION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be +examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the +chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"—"Does your lordship +mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> sheep?"—"Is it +not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord +Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a +dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are +but <i>two legs of mutton</i>."</p> + +<h4>LXXXIX.—HERO-PHOBIA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, +some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said +the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would <i>bite</i> some other +of my generals."</p> + +<h4>XC.—LYING CONSISTENTLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same +desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a +New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know +how <i>old</i> we are to be this year."</p> + +<h4>XCI.—NOT RIGHT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A prisoner</span> being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was +told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up +his left hand. "Hold up your <i>right</i> hand," said the clerk. "Please your +honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am +<i>left-handed</i>."</p> + +<h4>XCII.—LIGHT-HEADED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Burney</span>, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his +victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly +after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From +his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his +portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before +retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice, +having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it +in flames; he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned +them with the following lines:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I would not retain it a minute;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's <i>fire</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is sure to be instantly <i>in it</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>XCIII.—"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked +if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the +possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as +little of a <i>lie</i> or an <i>oath</i> as any European."</p> + +<h4>XCIV.—HAND AND GLOVE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A dyer</span>, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that +was all black; "Take off your <i>glove</i>, friend," said the judge to him. +"Put on your <i>spectacles</i>, my lord," answered the dyer.</p> + +<h4>XCV.—VAST DOMAIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call +him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could +make your words good, I should then be the <i>greatest</i> monarch in the +world."</p> + +<h4>XCVI.—MONEY RETURNED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lawyer</span> being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to +fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said +he, "I <i>had</i> it, and to such I <i>give</i> it again."</p> + +<h4>XCVII.—CHEESE AND DESSERT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a +cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the +cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the +grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> +before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after <i>cheese</i>."</p> + +<h4>XCVIII.—VERY POINTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir John Hamilton</span>, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of +the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was +impossible to touch him anywhere without <i>pricking</i> one's fingers.</p> + +<h4>XCIX.—"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for +several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port +placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please +your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman +began, "One bottle <i>port</i>, one <i>ditto</i>, one <i>ditto</i>, one +<i>ditto</i>,"—"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are +cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their <i>port</i>, but I did not +taste a drop of their <i>ditto</i>."</p> + +<h4>C.—COMPUTATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before +three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other +two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the +occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it, +when there were an hundred judges on the bench?—<i>one</i> and <i>two +ciphers</i>."</p> + +<h4>CI.—PRIMOGENITURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish +kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful +appearance, while <i>his son</i> was depicted with a long beard, and wore the +traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian, +"is it possible that this gentleman was an <i>old man</i> when his father +<i>was born</i>!!"</p> + +<h4>CII.—CHECK TO THE KING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> made use of +this assertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To +this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And, +please your majesty, <i>whose fault is that</i>?" The king was struck, and +remained silent.</p> + +<h4>CIII.—A FALL IN MITRES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the wooden <i>mitres</i>, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's +stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, +Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether +he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your +reverence's head."—"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab, +"suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that <i>a mitre falling on +my head</i> would hurt it."</p> + +<h4>CIV.—FALSE DELICACY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span>, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did +not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you +had as great a dislike <i>to being a scoundrel</i>."</p> + +<h4>CV.—A BAD HARVEST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to +an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you," +said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, '<i>the older the seed the worse +the crop</i>.'"</p> + +<h4>CVI.—PROOF IMPRESSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Bethel</span>, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in +debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the +subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four +Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never +told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw +contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon +the subject."—"I'm very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> proud you think so," said the other, rubbing +his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased +you so much?"—"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I passed by a pastry-cook's +shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three <i>hot mince-pies</i> +wrapped up in one of your works."</p> + +<h4>CVII.—NECK OR NOTHING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A right</span> reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was +frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and +untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much +longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly +inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that +he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate +<i>stiffness</i> in his <i>knee</i>. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate; +"'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a +long time thought it <i>immovably settled</i> in your <span class="smcap">neck</span>."</p> + +<h4>CVIII.—ARCADIA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A farm</span> was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of +the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were +detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further +enhanced with this,—N.B. There is not <i>an attorney</i> within fifteen +miles of the neighborhood.</p> + +<h4>CIX.—QUITE PERFECTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A painter</span> in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed +on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in +the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old +original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in +all its branches performed in the very height <i>of acme</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CX.—THE LATE MR. COLLINS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Collins</span> the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom +he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come <i>a +day after the fair</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CXI.—A FAMILY PARTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman +who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she +said, "La, sir, we haven't a <i>single</i> bug in the house."—"No ma'am," +said he, "they're all <i>married</i>, and have large families too."</p> + +<h4>CXII.—CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A stupid</span> person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures +of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the +greatest delicacies."—"Why not," replied the other, "do you think +Providence intended all the <i>good things</i> for fools?"</p> + +<h4>CXIII.—POPPING THE QUESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A girl</span> forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man, +whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service +where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her +husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the +first person who has asked <i>my opinion</i> about the matter."</p> + +<h4>CXIV.—SCANDALOUS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's +tables, that he never <i>opened his mouth</i> but at another man's expense.</p> + +<h4>CXV.—THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land, +and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already +written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what +do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"—"<i>Mine</i> will be +one," replied he.</p> + +<h4>CXVI.—MODEST REQUEST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road, +who begged the favor of him to put<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> his great coat, which he found very +heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but +if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your +coat?"—"Monsieur," answered the man with great <i>naïveté</i>, "<i>I shall be +in it</i>."</p> + +<h4>CXVII.—CAP THIS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Thomas More</span>, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit +to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the +headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he, +taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my <i>upper</i> garment."</p> + +<h4>CXVIII.—A PRETTY METAPHOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town, +to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has +turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."</p> + +<h4>CXIX.—ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Talk</span> no more of the lucky escape of the <i>head</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2">From a flint so unluckily thrown;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Twas a lucky escape for the <i>stone</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CXX.—A MAN OF LETTERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a +porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was +asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title. +"Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of <i>chalking</i> number +45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."</p> + +<h4>CXXI.—WELSH WIG-GING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best +living, said the Welshman, "There<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> is such noble housekeeping in Wales, +that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding +dinner."—"Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man +<i>toasted</i> his own cheese."</p> + +<h4>CXXII.—A SPRIG OF SHILLALAH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A fellow</span> on the quay, thinking to <i>quiz</i> a poor Irishman, asked him, +"How do the potatoes eat now, Pat?" The Irish lad, who happened to have +a <i>shillalah</i> in his hand, answered, "O! they eat very well, my jewel, +would you like to taste the <i>stalk</i>?" and knocking the inquirer down, +coolly walked off.</p> + +<h4>CXXIII.—DOG-MATIC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a +great courtier, said, "His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a +cur." To which the other replied, "That <i>fawning</i> was the property of a +cur as well as barking."</p> + +<h4>CXXIV.—FALSE QUANTITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A learned</span> counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a <i>nolle prosēqui</i>. +"Consider, sir," said Baron Alderson, "that this is the last day of +term, and don't make things <i>unnecessarily long</i>."</p> + +<h4>CXXV.—IN SUSPENSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves +them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the +ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives +not <i>upon</i> the branches, but <i>under</i> them. He moves suspended, rests +suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense,—like a +young clergyman <i>distantly related</i> to a bishop.</p> + +<h4>CXXVI.—PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a +party where he happened to be present,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> a gentleman solicited a sketch +of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous +one:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I went to Frankfort and got drunk<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With that most learned professor, Brunck;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I went to Worts and got more drunken<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CXXVII.—ARTIFICIAL HEAT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to +him, "come and <i>look over</i> my garden-wall,—my cucumbers are very +backward."</p> + +<h4>CXXVIII.—OUTWARD APPEARANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span> is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.</p> + +<h4>CXXIX.—THE TWO SMITHS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the +same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of +calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share +the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said +our friend, "and you must quit."—"Why am I to quit more than +you?"—"Because you are James the Second—and must <i>abdicate</i>."</p> + +<h4>CXXX.—SAGE ADVICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing +him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, <i>hit +it</i>."</p> + +<h4>CXXXI.—THE PURSER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lady Hardwicke</span>, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he +did, and what <i>he</i> got <i>she</i> saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is +carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his +time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be +provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> retained them +herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the +length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved, +that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains +for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a <i>purser</i> +in the navy."</p> + +<h4>CXXXII.—A FOREIGN ACCENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord +Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"—"No."—"Do you want to +hae ony appointed?"—"I only want an interpreter to make me <i>understand</i> +what your lordships say."</p> + +<h4>CXXXIII—EASY AS LYING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Erskine</span>, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a +rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of +offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the +<i>failing</i> usually attributed to travellers?"</p> + +<h4>CXXXIV.—NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A prisoner</span> in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had +a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit. +Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been +thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here, +and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so +chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it +may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall +let me out of prison, and, instead of <i>seven</i> groats, you shall allow me +only <i>eighteenpence</i> a week, and the other <i>tenpence</i> shall go towards +the discharging of the debt."</p> + +<h4>CXXXV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> former times the illustrious dead were burned,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> +<span class="i0">This column, then, commemorates the part<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Which custom makes us single out—the heart;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You ask, "How by a column this is done?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I answer, "<i>'Tis a hollow thing of stone</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CXXXVI.—FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A dependant</span> was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not +possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you <i>lying</i>," answered +he.</p> + +<h4>CXXXVII.—THE INTRUDER REBUKED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern. +After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly +under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a +chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the +stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his +chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and +inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the +party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted +to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of +me!"—"Then don't bring your <i>hog's head</i> in here," was the prompt +reply.</p> + +<h4>CXXXVIII.—CRITICAL POLITENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull +off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot +pass a very <i>old</i> acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that +civility."</p> + +<h4>CXXXIX.—A GOOD PLACE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him, +"The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct +exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."—"Sire," replied he, +"I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give <i>my</i> +successor the like advice."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CXL.—A CABAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a +conspiracy to overturn <i>monarchy</i> by a <i>common-wheel</i>.</p> + +<h4>CXLI.—THE FIRE OF LONDON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread +Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill +staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane +had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was +burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much +singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe +Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye +Corner were over baked."</p> + +<h4>CXLII.—A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> speeches made by P—— are <i>sound</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It cannot be denied;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Granted; and then it will be found,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">They're <i>little else</i> beside.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CXLIII.—AN HONEST HORSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A dealer</span> once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with +emphatic earnestness, that "he was an <i>honest</i> horse." After the +purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why, +sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to +<i>throw</i> me, and he certainly never <i>deceived</i> me."</p> + +<h4>CXLIV.—THE RETORT CUTTING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bishops Sherlock</span> and <span class="smcap">Hoadly</span> were both freshmen of the same year, at +Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were +first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a +compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. +Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> said, +when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's +<i>translation</i> to-day."—"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for +I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is +the only one in the college."</p> + +<h4>CXLV.—ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Erskine</span>, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess +of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and +pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"—"O!" answered her +grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place—I hate it."—"Madam," replied +the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark +morning,—I <i>won't rise</i> to-day."</p> + +<h4>CXLVI.—A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A pud in</span> is almi de si re,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Mimis tres Ine ver require,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Alo veri find it a gestis,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His miseri ne ver at restis.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CXLVII.—BY THE SAME.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Mollis</span> abuti,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Has an acuti,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No lasso finis,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Molli divinis.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">O mi de armis tres,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Imi nadis tres,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cantu disco ver<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Meas alo ver?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CXLVIII.—A HAPPY SUGGESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the +Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l. +15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold +suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The +Nightingale's Wing."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CXLIX.—PLAYING ON A WORD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Orford</span> was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the +celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration. +Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia. +Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said, +"I think I saw a <i>lyre</i> there." George Selwyn, who was of the party, +whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is <i>one less</i> since he left the +country."</p> + +<h4>CL.—AN EYE TO PROFIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious, +was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that +this man will not take the <i>beam out of his own eye</i> before he attempts +the <i>mote</i> in other people's?"—"Why, so I daresay he would," cried +Sheridan, "if he was sure of <i>selling the timber</i>."</p> + +<h4>CLI.—"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some +supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took +off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if +you were not my officer, I would <i>extinguish</i> you."</p> + +<h4>CLII.—A.I.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A learned</span> barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did +not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They +are in Martial."—"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on +underwriting."—"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is +not so much difference between an <i>under writer</i> and a <i>minor</i> poet."</p> + +<h4>CLIII.—QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in +the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to +him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> +3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to +2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l. +more to be worth 3,000."—"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no +ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and +I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked +abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well, +brother Davy, I <i>think</i> we may accept the bail."</p> + +<h4>CLIV.—BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Spranger Barry</span>, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of +persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the +Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in +demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be +in a passion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on +the business."—"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred +pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you +till you owe me <i>two</i>."</p> + +<h4>CLV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">It</span> is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination +never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."—<i>Court +Journal</i>.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'Tis right that Cumberland should be<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In this resolve so steady,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For all the world declare that he<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is <i>too bare-faced</i> already!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CLVI.—SENTENCE OF DEATH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy +inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his +pig's victuals.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming +Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My +Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Rd. Gold</span>."</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CLVII.—NATIVE WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">John</span> was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and +the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me +what you do know, and what you don't know."—"Well," replied John, "I +know millers' hogs are fat!"—"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't +you know?"—"I don't know <i>whose corn</i> fats 'em!"</p> + +<h4>CLVIII.—WORTH THE MONEY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Robert Walpole</span> having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney +said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir +Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was +right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding +rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron. +The guinea was thrown across the House; and when Pulteney stooped to +pick it up, he observed, that "it was the first <i>public money</i> he had +touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped +up in a piece of paper on which the circumstance was recorded.</p> + +<h4>CLIX.—SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major +<i>Cart-wright</i>, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the +<i>Common-Wheel</i>.</p> + +<h4>CLX.—NOT <i>versus</i> NOTT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> of Maudlin, whose name was <i>Nott</i>, returning late from his +friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his +name and college. "I am <i>Nott</i> of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping. +"Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what +college you are <i>not</i>, but of what college you are."—"I am <i>Nott</i> of +Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he +considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and +demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."—"Know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> him, +sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. <i>Nott</i> of this college." The +proctor now perceived his error in <i>not</i> understanding the gentleman, +and wished him a good night.</p> + +<h4>CLXI.—A COCKNEY EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">In Parliament, it's plain enough,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">No reverence for age appears;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For they who hear each speaker's <i>stuff</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Find there is no respect for <i>(y) ears</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CLXII.—THE PINK OF POLITENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Berkeley</span> was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of +politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until +they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers, +and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord +Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"—"Not since you +hanged <i>your tutor</i>, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord +Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was +hanged.</p> + +<h4>CLXIII.—HIGH AND LOW.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I expect</span> six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman +to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church +or Low Church, sir?"—"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the +astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High +Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, <i>they'll eat</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CLXIV.—CITY LOVE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> making love let poor men sigh,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But love that's ready-made is better<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For men of business;—so I,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If madam will be cruel, let her.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But should she wish that I should wait<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And miss the 'Change,—oh no, I thank her,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I court by <i>deed</i>, or after <i>date</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Through my solicitor or banker.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CLXV.—INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span> in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that +general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said +the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more +illustrious <i>than yours</i>, I should have taken it."</p> + +<h4>CLXVI.—LORD CHESTERFIELD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to +his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the +king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, +however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous +precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant +of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking +him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with +whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up. +"With the <i>devil's</i>!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And +shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, <i>Our trusty +and well-beloved cousin and counsellor</i>?"—a repartee at which the king +laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.</p> + +<h4>CLXVII.—SPECIAL PLEADING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if +he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader, +he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son <i>eat saw-dust without butter</i>?"</p> + +<h4>CLXVIII.—ON A NEW DUKE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Ask</span> you why gold and velvet bind<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The temples of that cringing thief?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is it so strange a thing to find<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CLXIX.—THE ZODIAC CLUB.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it +should consist of twelve members, and be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> called "The Zodiac," each +member to be named after a sign.</p> + +<p>"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid +that his name would be forgotten.</p> + +<p><i>Jerrold.</i>—"Oh, we'll bring you in as the <i>weight</i> in Libra."</p> + +<h4>CLXX.—QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE HUMPHREY, AT +ST. ALBAN'S.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">A plague</span> on Egypt's arts, I say—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Embalm the dead—on senseless clay<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Rich wine and spices waste:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bound in a precious pickle lie,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Which I can never taste!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Let me embalm this flesh of mine,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And spoil the Egyptian trade,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A mummy ready made."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CLXXI.—STRIKING REPROOF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion, +knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this +was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for +a literary lady than to double down a page."—"I would rather," replied +his lordship, "advise Caroline to <i>turn over a new leaf</i>."</p> + +<h4>CLXXII.—A PRETTY PICTURE.</h4> + +<p>E—— taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working +at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her +lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter; +"if you please, I will draw your face <i>without any mouth</i> at all."</p> + +<h4>CLXXIII.—UNKNOWN TONGUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> were going to +the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that +the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"—"Not a +bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their +prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the +French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic, +"Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could <i>understan'</i> them?"</p> + +<h4>CLXXIV.—DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Whilst</span> the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the +bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of +a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that +time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the +counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified +conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in +discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse +himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was +addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his +Lordship seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the +advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lordship +observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your +pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lordship's <i>more +important</i> occupations. I will wait until your Lordship has leisure to +attend to my client and his humble advocate."</p> + +<h4>CLXXV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(A good word for Ministers.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> Whigs 'tis said have often broke<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Their promises which end in smoke;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Thus their defence I build;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Granted in office they have slept,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet sure those <i>promises</i> are <i>kept</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2">Which never are fulfilled.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CLXXVI.—CHANGING HIS LINE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> man who had been +hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the <i>grocery +line</i>?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a +<i>different line</i> when he died."</p> + +<h4>CLXXVII.—TALL AND SHORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very +tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a +friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."</p> + +<h4>CLXXVIII.—AN ODD COMPARISON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir William B——</span> being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which +were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the +farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and +at two colleges in each university?"—"Well, sir," said the farmer, +"what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I +made was, the more he sucked, the greater <i>calf</i> he grew."</p> + +<h4>CLXXIX.—ON THE RIGHT SIDE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing +that he borrowed, "that he had <i>lost half</i> of his memory."</p> + +<h4>CLXXX.—CAUSE OF ABSENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his +wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in +the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this +case?"—"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is +ill—suffering from <i>Scarlett fever</i>."</p> + +<h4>CLXXXI.—THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent +than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:—</p> + +<p>"He is," says she, "an abhorred, barbarous, capricious,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> detestable, +envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous, +keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, passionate, +quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious, +abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating, +gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless, +savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious, +blustering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful, +inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing, +unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring, +incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring, +sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome, +tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling, +brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal, +dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable, +irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive, +outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged, +spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly, +suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent, +wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger."</p> + +<h4>CLXXXII.—A FAMILIAR ILLUSTRATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A medical</span> student under examination, being asked the different effects +of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."—"Quite +right; can you give me an example?"—"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot, +the days are longer; but in winter, which is <i>cold</i>, the days are +<i>shorter</i>."</p> + +<h4>CLXXXIII.—HAPPINESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Happiness</span> grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in +strangers' gardens.</p> + +<h4>CLXXXIV.—TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in +terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in +this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the +author would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately +happens, that those portions which are <i>new</i> are not <i>true</i>, and those +which are <i>true</i> are not <i>new</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CLXXXV.—A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in +behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of +money.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much +does —— want this time?"</p> + +<p>"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the +bearer of the hat replied.</p> + +<p><i>Jerrold.</i>—"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."</p> + +<h4>CLXXXVI.—WASTE OF TIME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his +friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he +to them, "it is hardly worth while to <i>dress</i> myself again."</p> + +<h4>CLXXXVII.—SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a <i>clanking</i> +noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her +bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin +you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which +Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna +expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your +folk."</p> + +<h4>CLXXXVIII.—TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Fletcher Norton</span> was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading +before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced +unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant +in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge +immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all <i>know</i> +it, Sir Fletcher."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CLXXXIX.—NAT LEE AND SIR ROGER L'ESTRANGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was +visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee +entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the +poet knew him, Lee answered:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Custom may alter men, and manners change:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But I am still <i>strange Lee</i>, and you L'Estrange:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CXC.—MAIDS AND WIVES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Women</span> are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make +'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage +certificates, and defy you.—D.J.</p> + +<h4>CXCI.—TRAGEDY MS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Liston</span>, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury +Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by +the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel +contains a manuscript tragedy." And on being asked why, replied, +"Because the <i>fifth</i> act is peeping out at one corner of it."</p> + +<h4>CXCII.—A TRUE COURTIER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was +announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac," +said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"—"In my younger days, please +your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do +you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing +to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we +call him. <i>Perfection</i>."—"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly +herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he <i>bears</i> the +best of characters."</p> + +<h4>CXCIII.—RARE VIRTUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> of Jonathan Wild, +who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully +satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could <i>gain +nothing</i> by refraining from it.</p> + +<h4>CXCIV.—A POSER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A coxcomb</span> in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain +popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his +pointed to the coxcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite +song."—"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman <i>might</i> have made it, +for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."</p> + +<h4>CXCV.—A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Cockburn</span>, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside +with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest +situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on +the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if +ye had been a <i>sheep</i> ye would hae had mair sense."</p> + +<h4>CXCVI.—CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Richard Jebb</span> being called to see a patient who fancied himself very +ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for +him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you, +Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and +what I may not."—"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard, +"will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs, +for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are +<i>windy</i>; but eat anything else you please!"</p> + +<h4>CXCVII.—FARMER AND ATTORNEY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told +he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at +the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional +friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Here are two fat wethers fallen out together,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And make 'em agree like brother and brother."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the +dispute.</p> + +<h4>CXCVIII.—A WIFE AT FORTY.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">My</span> notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be +able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."</p> + +<h4>CXCIX.—DISAPPROBATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of +having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a principal +part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed +him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and +said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your +kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope +you will be at least <i>six times</i> as many as are here to-night."</p> + +<h4>CC.—NOVEL OFFENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cooke</span> and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the +middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand along all +the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the +recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he +obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to +the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the +street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but +Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the +watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises +of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup, +"what! not offend? A —— ignorant coachmaker, to leave his <i>house out</i>, +new-painted, at this time of night!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCI.—MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A browbeating</span> counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain +place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How +came you to be so exact, my friend?"—"Because I expected <i>some fool</i> or +other would ask me, and so I measured it."</p> + +<h4>CCII.—VERY CLEAR.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A +sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.</p> + +<h4>CCIII.—BROTHERLY LOVE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Ah!</span>" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been +preaching to a congregation of asses."—"Then that was the reason why +you always called them <i>beloved brethren</i>," replied a strong-minded +lady.</p> + +<h4>CCIV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">By</span> a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The electors would find him as good as his word!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"<i>As good as his word</i>," did you say, "gracious me!<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCV.—MODEST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> has been said that a lady once asked Lord B—g—m who was the best +debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord +Stanley is the <i>second</i>, madam."</p> + +<h4>CCVI.—A JOINT CONCERN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A stupid</span> fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the +performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well +to-day."—"<i>We</i> performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was <i>I</i> +performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated +piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ +stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The +fellow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it +be <i>we</i> then?"</p> + +<h4>CCVII.—PROFESSIONAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, +replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we +are unable to find room for it."</p> + +<h4>CCVIII.—A GOOD REASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his +domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out +to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman, +"because he has <i>served me</i> these twenty years."</p> + +<h4>CCIX.—ON A BAD MAN.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">By</span> imbecility and fears<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Will is restrain'd from doing ill;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His mind a porcupine appears,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A porcupine <i>without a quill</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCX.—A CLEVER DOG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds, +called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on +purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the +first question: "where is my guardian angel?"—"Here I am," answered +Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean <i>you</i>, I mean <i>the +dog</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXI.—A KNOTTY POINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots <i>scattered</i> +through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was +impossible they could have been <i>collected</i>.</p> + +<h4>CCXII.—GEORGE SELWYN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> by the +frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him +with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said +the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity, +replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so <i>all the rest</i> of the +journey."</p> + +<h4>CCXIII.—EMPEROR OF CHINA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir G. Staunton</span> related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of +China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians +were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made +to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England, +that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I +manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is +committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am +ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my +illnesses are <i>usually short</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXIV.—LANDLORD AND TENANTS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Says</span> his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For I never can <i>raise it</i> myself."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCXV.—AN UGLY DOG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the +country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, "What an +ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied, +"Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks <i>about us</i> at this moment!"</p> + +<h4>CCXVI.—THE WRONG LEG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mathews</span> being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton, +D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of +pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> +could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain. +Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself +unhappy, D'Egville; <i>perhaps it is in the other leg</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXVII.—FEMALE TALKERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one +side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his +sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the +congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman +immediately rose, and wishing to clear her own sex from the aspersion, +said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."—"So +much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the +clergyman; "it will be the <i>sooner over</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXVIII.—FIGHTING BY MEASURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen +Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most +likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at +"the place called Fifteen Acres—'be the same more or less.'"</p> + +<h4>CCXIX.—SUGGESTION.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Do</span> you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal +performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the +other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed, +by accident, some train oil."—"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it +would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had <i>swallowed a +dancing-master</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CCXX.—THE FORCE OF SATIRE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jacob Johnson</span>, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of +money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a +message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he +who wrote these can write more":<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion +of the portrait, immediately sent the money.</p> + +<h4>CCXXI.—THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the +subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see +the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I +know between France and England is—<i>the sea</i>," said Jerrold.</p> + +<h4>CCXXII.—QUIN'S SAYING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin +used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise with a <i>crick in his +neck</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXXIII.—A GOOD REASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked +him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied +he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."—"What is +the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because <i>my +nose</i> was betwixt them."</p> + +<h4>CCXXIV.—BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury +Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of +Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going +into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness, +began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on +your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with +lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your +evidence."—"<i>Be cool, Mr. Counsellor</i>," said Billy, "<i>only be cool, +you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCXXV.—THE RULING PASSION AFTER DEATH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A drunken</span> witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared +for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you +never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to +go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to +it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you +flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever +happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death, +some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were +the <i>dearest objects</i> of your affections."</p> + +<h4>CCXXVI.—CUT AND COME AGAIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who +drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a +charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the +horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, +"it's <i>whipcord</i> it is!"</p> + +<h4>CCXXVII.—CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A remarkably</span> ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a +dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a +glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite +neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I +never break a glass."—"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply, +"you ought whenever <i>you look in one</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXXVIII.—UNION IS STRENGTH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A kind-hearted</span>, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north +got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister, +who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie," +said the minister, "that's my place."—"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie; +"they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this +place, and it will <i>take us baith</i> to manage them."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCXXIX.—FRENCH PRECIPITATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Mr. Pétion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a +knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself +thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely +<i>two-and-thirty minutes</i> in the Old Bailey.</p> + +<h4>CCXXX.—MAKING IT UP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough +provided, upon one occasion when <i>company</i> were expected, he asked if +she had <i>brothed</i> the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well +then," said he, "broth 'em <i>again</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXXXI.—OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bubb Doddington</span> was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner +with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached +Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; +and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been +saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and +Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and +yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew +that about this time of day <i>you would tell that story</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXXXII.—HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A critic</span> one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated +novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.</p> + +<p>"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a +thunderbolt!"</p> + +<h4>CCXXXIII.—EQUALITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said, +"All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's +Byron, he was a Harrow boy—"—"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's +Burns,—he was a <i>ploughboy</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCXXXIV.—QUITE NATURAL.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Did</span> any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an +infant school in a fast neighborhood.—"<i>I</i> have!" shouted a +six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles, +amused by his earnestness. "<i>On the elephant</i>!" was the reply.</p> + +<h4>CCXXXV.—MISER'S CHARITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat," +but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to +that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks +proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is +<i>nothing to nobody</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXXXVI.—SHAKING HANDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon +one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should +shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,—"For," +said he, "their hands have been <i>shaking</i> this half-hour."</p> + +<h4>CCXXXVII.—MILTON ON WOMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Milton</span> was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in +the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is +sufficient for a woman."</p> + +<h4>CCXXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> privilege <i>hard</i> money to demand,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It seems but fair the public should surrender;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For I confess I ne'er could understand<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Why cash called <i>hard</i>, should be a legal <i>tender</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCXXXIX.—A GOOD REASON.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">That's</span> a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the +old dame, "and <i>he</i> never cries."—"That's because he's never washed," +rejoined the youngster.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCXL.—ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> Farren, cleverest of men,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Should go to the right about,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">What part of town will he be then?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Why, "Farren-done-without!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCXLI.—PADDY'S LOGIC.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two +of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we <i>want +it</i>, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have <i>no +occasion for it</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXLII.—WARNING TO LADIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Beware</span> of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have +ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.</p> + +<h4>CCXLIII.—A MOT OF DE FOE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was +expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator; +but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the +<i>Spectator</i> than the <i>Tatler</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXLIV.—A FAIR REPULSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been +taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as +at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming +danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation, +and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up +at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single +volunteer!"—"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French +land at Ayr, there will soon be <i>plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCXLV.—CLAW AND CLAW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Erskine</span> and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> conceited, were in +the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their +respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he +would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an +intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit +suicide."</p> + +<h4>CCXLVI.—THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance +has given rise to the following:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I have lost my portmanteau—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I pity your grief;"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It contained all my sermons—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I pity the thief."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCXLVII.—FORCE OF NATURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">S——'s</span> head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the +law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most <i>empty</i> is +generally <i>uppermost</i>.</p> + +<h4>CCXLVIII.—BLOWING A NOSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir William Chere</span> had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon +with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a +snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning +continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad +humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your +nose!"—"Blow it <i>yourself</i>!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as +me!"</p> + +<h4>CCXLIX.—TOO CIVIL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Macklin</span> one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a +gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately +before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him. +Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much +seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was +entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of +it, as at present we must<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> totally depend on <i>your kindness</i>." This had +the desired effect,—and the lounger walked off.</p> + +<h4>CCL.—TORY LIBERALITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the +passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept <i>open house</i>, at least, +so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.</p> + +<h4>CCLI.—A CAPITAL JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Braxfield</span> (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the +bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane +<i>the waur</i> o' a hanging."</p> + +<h4>CCLII.—PIG-HEADED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Justice P——</span>, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one +of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of +copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the "copper," +which he uniformly called "lead," adding, "I beg your pardon, +gentlemen,—<i>copper</i>; but <i>I can't get the lead out of my head</i>!" At +this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter.</p> + +<h4>CCLIII.—BURIED WORTH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Thomas Overbury</span> says, that the man who has not anything to boast of +but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato,—the only good +belonging to him is <i>underground</i>.</p> + +<h4>CCLIV.—A JUST DEBTOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe, +to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady. +On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check +for 25l. and presented it to him. "But, my lord, you promised me +100l."—"True," said his lordship, "I did so; but you know, Mr. ——, +that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors <i>at 5s. in the +pound</i>. Now you must<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> see, Mr. ——, that if I were to pay you at a +higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an +injustice!"</p> + +<h4>CCLV.—A SOUND CONCLUSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir William Curtis</span> sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded +to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured +from <i>cast steel</i> were of a very superior quality, such as razors, +forks, &c."—"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too—there's +no soap like <i>Castile</i> soap."</p> + +<h4>CCLVI.—CUTTING HIS COAT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was +very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies" +for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his +eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my +coat."—"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"—"Why, +<i>this</i> coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after +regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the +Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful +of contamination,—"What, Duke, do you call <i>that thing</i> a coat?"</p> + +<h4>CCLVII.—NON SEQUITUR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father +of George III.?"—"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince +of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."</p> + +<h4>CCLVIII.—ANY PORT IN A STORM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's +was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had +mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our +ship is in <i>jeopardy</i>?"—"Well, I am glad that she has got <i>into some +port at last</i>," replied the other.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCLIX.—INGRATITUDE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a +banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest +estimation, assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there +at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, "Ah! sir! I did not expect that +from <i>you</i>: for you know that, when all the country refused your notes, +I <i>took</i> them."</p> + +<h4>CCLX.—NOT SO BAD FOR A KING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">George IV.</span>, on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered +Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say +that Mr. Moore has <i>murdered</i> Sheridan, but he has certainly <i>attempted +his life</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCLXI.—A BAD CROP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country +gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful +rain; I hope it will bring up <i>everything out of the ground</i>."—"By +Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in +it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."</p> + +<h4>CCLXII.—"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Daniel Purcell</span>, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King +George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him: +"Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."—"Yes," replied +Daniel, "I think I know him, <i>but I can't swear to him</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCLXIII.—DUPLEX MOVEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A worthy</span> alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his +company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the +word, "<i>Advance</i> three paces <i>back-wards</i>! march!"</p> + +<h4>CCLXIV.—COULEUR DE ROSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> should come in +contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, +"Keep off, you black rascal."—"You were as black as me before you were +<i>boiled</i>," cried sooty.</p> + +<h4>CCLXV.—A FEELING WITNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lawyer</span>, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an +infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the +jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite +lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"—"<i>He pinched me</i>!" +answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with +laughter.</p> + +<h4>CCLXVI.—EXTREMES MEET.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught +him there again, he'd lock him up in the <i>ice-house</i> and <i>warm</i> his +jacket.</p> + +<h4>CCLXVII.—DR. WEATHER-EYE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman was relating in company that he <i>saw</i> a terrible wind +the other night. "<i>Saw</i> a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind +being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"—"<i>Like</i> to have blown my +house about my ears," replied the first.</p> + +<h4>CCLXVIII.—HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her +absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He +accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother," +then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather +bad), the old lady exclaimed, "<i>Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always +stuttered</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CCLXIX.—A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Henniker</span>, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl +of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said +the doctor, "wit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> is like what a pension would be, given by your +lordship to your humble servant, <i>a good thing well applied</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCLXX.—NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in +Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's +shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Now to a smith doth pass;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">How naturally the <i>iron age</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2">Succeeds the <i>age of brass</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCLXXI.—CRITICS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Bacon</span>, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all +their pretensions, they were only <i>brushers</i> of noblemen's clothes."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXII.—QUESTION AND ANSWER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Quaker</span> was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain +duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by +his <i>theeing</i> and <i>thouing</i>, one of them with a stern countenance asked +him, "Pray, sir, do you know what <i>we sit here for</i>?"—"Yea," replied +Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen +hundred and fifty pounds a year."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXIII.—A TRUE JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual, +asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against +him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far +enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you +please, my lord, <i>we'll drop the subject</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXIV.—THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A judge</span> asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my +lord," says he. "And why not fourscore<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> and eight?" says the judge. +"Because," replied he, "I was <i>eight</i> before I was fourscore."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXV.—A CITY VARNISH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of +Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and +the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their +assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or +mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a +gentleman present; "if you wish to <i>bring the figures out</i>, varnish it +with <i>turtle soup</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXVI.—A RUB AT A RASCAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">George Colman</span> being once told that a man whose character was not very +immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal +and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's +earth, it <i>daubs your coat</i> a little for a time, but when it is <i>rubbed +off</i> your coat is so much the cleaner."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXVII.—A SAGE SIMILE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Thackeray</span> once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and +<i>onions</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXVIII.—AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.</h4> + +<p><i>On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury +Church.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The King of Great Britain was reckoned before<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The <i>head of the Church</i> by all Protestant people;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For with them he is now made the <i>head of the steeple</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCLXXIX.—THE MAJESTY OF MUD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the +Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a +troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and +observed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have +often heard you and others talk of the <i>majesty</i> of the people; but I +never saw any of the young <i>princes and princesses</i> till now."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXX.—A PROVIDENT BOY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday +with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom, +you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."—"O yes," retorted the +half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for <i>yesterday</i> and <i>to-day</i> yet, +father."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXXI.—A QUERY ANSWERED.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Why</span>, pray, of late do Europe's kings<br /></span> +<span class="i2">No jester to their courts admit?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"They're grown such stately solemn things,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To bear a joke they think not fit.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But though each court a jester lacks,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To laugh at monarchs to their faces,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet all mankind, behind their backs,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Supply the honest jesters' places."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCLXXXII.—A WOMAN'S PROMISES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Anger</span> may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen +Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face +in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he +thinks of nothing?"—"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which +the Queen returned, "I must not <i>confute</i> you, Sir Edward," and she left +him.</p> + +<h4>CCLXXXIII.—THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sarah</span>, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a +medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove +serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then, +my lord duke, for it must be of <i>service</i> one way or the other."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCLXXXIV.—ROYAL FAVOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A low</span> fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken +to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me +<i>stand out of the way</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXXV.—BLACK AND WHITE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And boast that they are only blessed with light.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Peel's politics to both sides so incline,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He may be called the <i>equinoctial line</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCLXXXVI.—THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid +to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to +be apprehended."</p> + +<h4>CCLXXXVII.—A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Byron</span>, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram, +being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in +years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus +replied:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Ancient Phyllis has young graces,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Shall I tell you how?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She herself makes her own faces,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And each morning wears a new one!<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Where's the wonder now</i>?"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCLXXXVIII.—BRIGHT AND SHARP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a +gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, +they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, +and <i>vice versâ</i>. "What a <i>very sensible boy</i>, sir, must <i>you</i> have +been!" returned the child.</p> + +<h4>CCLXXXIX.—A WOODMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man, boasting of his health and constitutional<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> stamina, was +asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in +a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great +<i>deal</i> every morning."—"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a +<i>timber-yard</i>," was the rejoinder.</p> + +<h4>CCXC.—HUMAN HAPPINESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A captain</span> in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, +boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the <i>happiest</i> fellows +in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged +seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy +that they have escaped."</p> + +<h4>CCXCI.—MEASURE FOR MEASURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A fellow</span> stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not +finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship, +"all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may <i>fit him</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CCXCII.—A DESERVED RETORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A spendthrift</span>, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an +acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought +it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the +gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's <i>lands</i>, which is +more than you can say."</p> + +<h4>CCXCIII.—A POETICAL SHAPE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that +he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was +<i>in and out</i>, like the lines of <i>a Pindaric ode</i>.</p> + +<h4>CCXCIV.—A COMMON CASE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a +little, asked him where he lived? "Where I <i>live</i>," said he, "I don't +know; but I <i>starve</i> towards Wapping, and that way."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCXCV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">You</span> beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCXCVI.—TOO COLD TO CHANGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised +him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam," +answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any +<i>habit</i>, be it ever so bad."</p> + +<h4>CCXCVII.—SEALING AN OATH.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Do you," said Fanny, t' other day,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"In earnest love me as you say;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or are those tender words applied<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Alike to fifty girls beside?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For by those eyes,—those <i>lips</i> I swear!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She stopped me as the oath I took,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And cried, "You've sworn,—<i>now kiss the book</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCXCVIII.—A NEAT QUOTATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Norbury</span> asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, +was told that Mr. Serjeant <i>Joy</i>, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. +<i>Hope</i>, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His +lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<i>Hope</i> told a flattering tale,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That <i>Joy</i> would soon return."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCXCIX.—GOOD SPORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat +in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before +breakfast. "Thirty-three <i>hairs</i>!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir! +then you must have been firing at a <i>wig</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCC.—AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A noble</span> lord, not over courageous, was once so far<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> engaged in an affair +of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he +arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty <i>hearse</i> came by; on which his +lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good +fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send <i>you a fare</i>." This operated so +strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon, +and returned home in a whole skin.</p> + +<h4>CCCI.—A GOOD SERVANT.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I can't</span> conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you +manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live +at the rate you do."—"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."—"A +place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,—pray what +place?"—"<i>I am my own steward</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCII.—BALANCING ACCOUNTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Theophilus Cibber</span>, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father +for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon +your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my +father's money."—"But you have spent a great deal of <i>my father's</i>," +replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.</p> + +<h4>CCCIII.—A NOVELTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added +another, "you have <i>now</i> done it for the first time."</p> + +<h4>CCCIV.—SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the +Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of +more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the +reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to +examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be +permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."—"Then," said +she, "I suppose your lordship was <i>smuggled</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCV.—BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some +instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of +a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her <i>compassion</i>: +"Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"</p> + +<h4>CCCVI.—AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him +to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and +see how you open your mouth, <i>that I may know what sort of words will +fit it</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCVII.—WHIG AND TORY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Whig</span> and Tory scratch and bite,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Just as hungry dogs we see;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Throw a couple, they agree.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCVIII.—CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> was complimenting Mrs. —— on her acting a certain female +character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady, +modestly, "one should be young and handsome."—"Nay, madam," replied the +gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the <i>contrary</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCIX.—A PLACEBO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said +to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry, +Fraser, to leave this <i>old</i> place."—"Psha, sir," said George, "don't +fret; when you had this <i>old</i> place, you were <i>out</i> of place; now you +are <i>in place</i>, you can get both <i>yourself and me a better place</i>." The +hint was taken, and old George provided for.</p> + +<h4>CCCX.—A PLACE WANTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, who did not live very happily with his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> wife, on the maid +telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept +scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I +wish I could give <i>warning</i> too."</p> + +<h4>CCCXI.—NOT TO BE BOUGHT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A common-councilman's</span> lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and +inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess +answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants +anything it is a <i>capacity</i>: but for <i>that</i> deficiency you know we must +not blame <i>her</i>."—"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame <i>you</i> +for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a +<i>capacity</i>; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."</p> + +<h4>CCCXII.—SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, +an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed +that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the +street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping +<i>physic</i> into the street be any proof of insanity."—"True, my lord," +replied the counsel, "but sweeping the <i>pots</i> away, certainly was."</p> + +<h4>CCCXIII.—CRUEL SUGGESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Stanley</span> came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King +James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a +sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation +between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord +Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your +presence."—"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I +send him to the Tower?"—"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, +"inflict a severer punishment,—<i>send him back to Scotland</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CCCXIV.—AN ODD FELLOW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Willoughby de Broke</span> was a very singular character,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> and had more +peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House +of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the +door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my <i>fellow +be</i>?"—"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be +near him, "<i>not in Europe</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXV.—POST-MORTEM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and +humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman +having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made, +intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs, +madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."—To which she instantly +replied, "But not till he was <i>dead</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXVI.—KNOWING HIS PLACE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there +was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise +every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord +Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run +up after that boy."—"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to +<i>follow your Majesty</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXVII.—AN ATTIC JEST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on +his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to +vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead +a label, "To let."—"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, <i>unfurnished</i>," +rejoined the father.</p> + +<h4>CCCXVIII.—CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord B——</span>, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. +O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your +whiskers on the <i>peace establishment</i>?"—"When you place your tongue on +the <i>civil list</i>!" was the rejoinder.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCXIX.—A READY RECKONER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A mathematician</span> being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how +much will a great boar (<i>bore</i>?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the +scales, and I will <i>tell you immediately</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXX.—CATCHING HIM UP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am +eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall +be <i>both</i> of an age."</p> + +<h4>CCCXXI.—A STOPPER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> describing a person who often visited him for the sole +purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the <i>stay</i>-maker.</p> + +<h4>CCCXXII.—A BOOK CASE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who +curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr. +Curran, I may burn my law-books!"—"Better <i>read</i> them, my lord," was +the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.</p> + +<h4>CCCXXIII.—HINC ILLE LACHRYMÆ.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A——ll, +"is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love +every fortnight."—"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so +mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the <i>press</i>, and wipes his eyes +with <i>the public</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXXIV.—REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in +London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more +punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied +John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or +conferred a favor on any man living, <i>no one would pray for him</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCXXV.—A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Warburton</span>, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at +the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like, +and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest +butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher +thumped the cushion."</p> + +<h4>CCCXXVI.—STONE BLIND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron's</span> valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by +observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my +lord, what capital <i>mantelpieces</i> that marble would make in England!"</p> + +<h4>CCCXXVII.—AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of +Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. +"I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my +roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then +returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play, +and as I can find <i>no trace</i> of <i>a plot</i> in either, you may go free."</p> + +<h4>CCCXXVIII.—DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span> was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely +inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up +the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to +induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how +extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied +the doctor; "I wish it were <i>impossible</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXXIX.—MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Nature</span> descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his +parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at +it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects +crawling about it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest, +grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are +convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.—S.S.</p> + +<h4>CCCXXX.—PLEASANT DESERTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing +all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and +ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to +attend you,—you <i>deserve</i> to be ill."</p> + +<h4>CCCXXXI.—A HOME ARGUMENT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">By</span> one decisive argument<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To fix the bridal day.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I shall not change my mind," she said.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"But then," says he, "I <i>may</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCXXXII.—A BAD PEN.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Nature</span> has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold, +speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind. +"Humph!" Jerrold replied, "then the pen must have been a very bad one."</p> + +<h4>CCCXXXIII.—WIGNELL THE ACTOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was <i>Cato</i>: and on its +revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his +old-established part of <i>Portius</i>; and having stepped forward with a +prodigious though accustomed strut, began:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"The dawn is overcast; the morning lowers,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And heavily, in clouds, brings on the day."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue! +prologue!" when Wignell, finding them resolute, without betraying any +emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it +were part of the play:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Ladies and gentlemen, there has been no<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Prologue spoken to this play these twenty years—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The great, the important day, big with the fate<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of Cato and of Rome."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>This wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor: they laughed +immoderately, clapped, and shouted "<i>Bravo</i>!" and Wignell still +continued with his usual composure and stateliness.</p> + +<h4>CCCXXXIV.—CANDOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A notorious</span> egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good +qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason +why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others +when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain +enough," said Macklin; "<i>impudence</i>,—nothing but stark-staring +impudence!"</p> + +<h4>CCCXXXV.—A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A coxcomb</span>, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments, +complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head. +"No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without <i>anything</i> +in it."</p> + +<h4>CCCXXXVI.—READY REPLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the +unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough +to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had +often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green, +when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to +dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for +invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up +the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,—"Sir, I +never look out of my window but I see you walking across the +grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk +across the grass-plot, but I <i>see you</i> looking out of your window." The +master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window, +convulsed with laughter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCXXXVII.—FULL PROOF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Peterborough</span> was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of +Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be +roughly treated, said,—"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons +that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only +<i>five guineas</i> in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at +your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and +acclamations.</p> + +<h4>CCCXXXVIII.—EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> merry Old England it once was the rule,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The king had his poet and also his fool;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That Cibber can serve both for <i>fool</i> and for <i>poet</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCXXXIX.—A PROPHECY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles Mathews</span>, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his +son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why," +answered the comedian, "he is going to <i>draw houses</i>, like his father."</p> + +<h4>CCCXL.—A FIXTURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Roger Long</span>, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark +evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short +post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of +conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily, +"Get out of the way, boy."—"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously, +"is a <i>post-boy</i>, who never turns out of the way for anybody."</p> + +<h4>CCCXLI.—FAMILY PRIDE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato. +John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his +mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist <i>twa</i> in the dish, +and they maun be <i>keepit</i> for the strangers."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCXLII.—EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:—Counsel: "What +was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old +was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?" +Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen <i>feet</i>." +Witness: "Sixteen <i>feet</i>! Did I say sixteen <i>feet</i>?" Counsel: "You did." +Witness: "<i>If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet</i>!—you don't +catch me crossing myself!"</p> + +<h4>CCCXLIII.—WAY OF THE WORLD.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Determined</span> beforehand, we gravely pretend<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Should his differ from ours on any pretence,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We pity his want both of judgment and sense;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But if he falls into and flatters our plan,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Why, really we think him a sensible man.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCXLIV.—A BROAD-SHEET HINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be +written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning +to <i>spell</i> are requested to use <i>yesterday's paper</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXLV.—MODEST MERIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A player</span> applied to the manager of a respectable company for an +engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable +of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was +"the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered +the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part +of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked +the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part. +"Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you +were the <i>worst</i> actor in the world."—"True," replied the other, "but +then I had not <i>seen you</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCXLVI.—SOFT, VERY!</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester +road, "Lord M——ms has the softest lips in the universe.—<span class="smcap">Phillis</span>." +Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Then as like as two chips<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Are his head and his lips.—<span class="smcap">Amarillis</span>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCXLVII.—CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cambridge</span> etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following +anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, +observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of <i>drowning</i>, +"What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being +<i>introduced</i> to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on, +leaving the poor fellow to his fate.</p> + +<h4>CCCXLVIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On interminable harangues.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Ye</span> fates that hold the vital shears,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If ye be troubled with remorse,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And will not cut ——'s <i>thread of life</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cut then the <i>thread of his discourse</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCXLIX.—HALF-WAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A horseman</span> crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding. +"Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the <i>bottom</i>, I'll +warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths. +"You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"—"Ay," +replied the other, "but you are not <i>half-way</i> to the bottom yet."</p> + +<h4>CCCL.—SELF-KNOWLEDGE.</h4> + +<p>"——," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will +cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he <i>knows nothing</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCLI.—TWO OF A TRADE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared +at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this +season, but he will be <i>robbing</i> Harris (the manager) the next."</p> + +<h4>CCCLII.—A STRAY SHOT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer, in battle, happening to <i>bow</i>, a cannon-ball passed over his +head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see," +said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."</p> + +<h4>CCCLIII.—MILESIAN ADVICE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Never</span> be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, +remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a +true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty +woman, is <i>to shut his eyes</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCLIV.—MR. ABERNETHY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her +complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she +said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."—"Why then, +ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for <i>doing so</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCLV.—THE DEBT PAID.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">To John I owed great obligation,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But John, unhappily, thought fit<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To publish it to all the nation;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sure John and I are more than quit.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCLVI.—EXTREMES MEET.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A clever</span> literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told +him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."—"Extremes meet sometimes," +said Jerrold.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCLVII.—A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his +court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor +bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the +impertinent <i>ha, ha, ha!</i> becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the +doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that <i>you</i> +can comprehend."</p> + +<h4>CCCLVIII.—TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Garrick</span> was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of +players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to +Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you +to write an address to the Birmingham audience."—"Suppose, then," said +Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel—"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players +off the stage and pull the house down."—"My lord," said Garrick, "what +is the use of an address if it does not come home to the <i>business</i> and +<i>bosoms</i> of the audience?"</p> + +<h4>CCCLIX.—A GOOD REASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the +rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to +consider that they have <i>nothing</i> else to do."</p> + +<h4>CCCLX.—FOLLOWING A LEADER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Franklin</span>, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary +society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, +determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express +satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the +French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest +when they were <i>praising you</i>!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained +the matter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCLXI.—IDOLATRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.</p> + +<h4>CCCLXII.—TWICE RUINED.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I never</span> was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I <i>lost</i> a +lawsuit, and once when I <i>gained</i> one."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXIII.—Q.E.D.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name +and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of +this parish."—"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that +be?"—"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the +children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the +fathers, and consequently <i>I am master</i> of the whole parish."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXIV.—SHORT STORIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Walter Scott</span> once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for +him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the +laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's +Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ——," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your +book?"—"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird; +"but they're unco' <i>short</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXV.—ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> ancient poets Argus prize,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who boasted of a hundred eyes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sure greater praise to her is due,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who looks a hundred ways with two.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCLXVI.—AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket +Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a +<i>black lady of great accomplishments</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCLXVII.—DEMOCRATIC VISION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Horne Tooke</span>, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, +replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a <i>king</i> from a <i>knave</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXVIII.—FISHY, RATHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Ellenborough</span>, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his +carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the +best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXIX.—LIGHT BREAD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A baker</span> has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a +<i>pound</i> of it weighs only <i>twelve</i> ounces.</p> + +<h4>CCCLXX.—SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Judge C—— one day had occasion to examine a witness who +stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his +lordship, "you are a very great rogue."—"Not so great a rogue as <i>you</i> +my lord,—t-t-t-take me to be."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXI.—ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">On velvet rests, 'tis said;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ah! did he seek a softer place,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He'd rest upon his head.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCLXXII.—POLITICAL CORRUPTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a +chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then +called aloud to his neighbors to witness his <i>dirty</i> elevation.</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXIII.—A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A quaker</span> being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly, +"Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to <i>take +off</i> his hat!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCLXXIV.—A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man +in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us +a <i>new hat</i>, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXV.—EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Foote</span>, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Death <i>took him off, who took off all</i> the world.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCLXXVI.—THE ANGRY OCEAN.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Mother</span>, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what +makes the ocean get angry?"—"Because it has been <i>crossed</i> so often, my +son."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXVII.—BREVITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Abernethy</span>, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than +by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing +Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his +house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."—"A poultice," quietly +answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said, +"Better."—"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made +her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,—your +fee?"—"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I +ever saw."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> L—d—d—y has a grain of sense,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For from the fact we draw the inference,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He's that which never has been made <i>a peer</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCLXXIX.—A BROAD-BRIM HINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A quaker</span> said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be +thy design <i>to hit</i> the little man in the blue jacket, point thine +engine three inches lower."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CCCLXXX.—AN ORDER FOR TWO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the +author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr. +Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether +his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he +wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"—"admit <i>two pounds +two</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXXI.—EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">His</span> hair so black,—his beard so gray,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis that his labors always lay,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Less on his brain than on his <i>jaws</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCLXXXII.—MARRIAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A widower</span>, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying +some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his +present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my +dear, nobody regrets <i>her loss</i> more than I do."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXXIII.—FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a +word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did +not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait +the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the +<i>length</i> of my sermon to-day?"—"No, sir, not at all; nor by the <i>depth</i> +either!" The young man was silent.</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXXIV.—VISIBLE PROOF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his +marriage, exhibited a <i>huge scar</i> on his head, which looked as though it +might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXXV.—SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> Tom Sheridan once +kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by <i>fixing</i> the +weathercock in that direction.</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">We</span> every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Must bring forth the name of their author to light.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The bad own their <i>Edge</i> and the good own their <i>worth</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCLXXXVII.—KEEN REPLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A retired</span> vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was +asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the +nightingale, which does not sing after it has <i>made its nest</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXXVIII.—A GOOD EXAMPLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the +Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his +tongue. There are other <i>speakers</i> in the House (not official) who would +show their sagacity by following the example of their President.</p> + +<h4>CCCLXXXIX.—A CERTAINTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning, +Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In +the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument +next?"—"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and +<i>you</i> are doctoring him; then I <i>keep right on</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXC.—NOMINAL RHYMES.</h4> + +<p>THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Is</span> that dace or perch?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Birch;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> +<span class="i0">I take it for herring,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Perring.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This jack's very good,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Wood;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But its bones might a man slay,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Ansley.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'll butter what I get,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Heygate.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Give me some stewed carp,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Thorp;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The roe's dry as pith,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alder<i>men</i> Smith.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Don't cut so far down,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Brown;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But nearer the fin,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Glyn.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I've finished, i'faith, man,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Waithman:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And I too, i'fatkins,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Atkins.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They've crimped this cod drolly,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Scholey;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'T is bruised at the ridges,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Brydges.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was it caught in a drag? Nay,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Magnay.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'T was brought by two men,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Ven-<br /></span> +<span class="i0">ables: Yes, in a box,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Cox.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They care not how <i>fur 'tis</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Curtis;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From air kept, and from sun,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Thompson;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Packed neatly in straw,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Shaw:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In ice got from Gunter,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Hunter.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This ketchup is sour,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Flower;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then steep it in claret,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Alderman Garret.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CCCXCI.—A BROAD HINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles II.</span> playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the +king said, "That's a good stroke for a <i>dean</i>."—"I'll give it the +stroke of a <i>bishop</i> if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive +rejoinder.</p> + +<h4>CCCXCII.—VAILS TO SERVANTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">To</span> such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or +visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon +the subject eight letters to the Duke of N——, supposed to be the Duke +of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the +house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other +servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who +returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take <i>silver</i>."—"Don't you, +indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then <i>I do</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXCIII.—QUITE TRUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Avarice</span> is criminal poverty.</p> + +<h4>CCCXCIV.—CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I'm very glad," to E—b—h said<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"That 'tis the outer product of your head,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And not the <i>inner</i>, you <i>commit to paper</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CCCXCV.—THE POLITE SCHOLAR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A scholar</span> and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the +wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every <i>coxcomb</i> the +wall." The scholar answered, "But <i>I do, sir</i>;" and so passed by him.</p> + +<h4>CCCXCVI.—A COOL HAND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in +sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from +certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie +Ochiltree afforded<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals +of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave +some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear," +replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with +serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave +<i>me</i> for <i>you</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXCVII.—QUID PRO QUO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred +of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly +unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what +you lawyers mean by docking an entail."—"That is very likely," answered +the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors +never consent to,—<i>suffering a recovery</i>."</p> + +<h4>CCCXCVIII.—RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A recruiting</span> serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,—"Come, +my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"—"Voight for my King," +answered Hodge, "why, has he <i>fawn out</i> wi' ony body?"</p> + +<h4>CCCXCIX.—AN ANECDOTE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">E—d—n</span> was asked by one of note,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Why merit he did not promote;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"For this good reason," answered he,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"'Cause <i>merit ne'er promoted me</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CD.—DIDO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Of</span> this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register +Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious +particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It +happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly +celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the +conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's +opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the +man an injury, yet <i>he would read his tragedy to me</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CDI.—EXTREME SIMPLICITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A countryman</span> took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who +was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common +property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with +the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine, +indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was <i>ice</i> +in it."</p> + +<h4>CDII.—NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan +theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by +the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out, +"Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made +<i>wretched</i> in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll <i>summons</i> you, +sir!"</p> + +<h4>CDIII.—AS YOU LIKE IT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when +abroad, "because <i>nobody</i> knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed +when at home, "because <i>everybody</i> knew him."</p> + +<h4>CDIV.—AN UPRIGHT MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Erskine</span> was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned +by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine, +in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties +with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So +far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of +<i>Bolt upright</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDV.—THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A——, who +asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by +the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so +painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> +enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no +service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you +what, I <i>won't say</i> a word about it."</p> + +<h4>CDVI.—TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">If</span> a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would +be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.</p> + +<h4>CDVII.—ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.</h4> + +<p class="center">(To those in want of employment.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is always sure to find a <i>vacancy</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDVIII.—A "DOUBLE TIMES."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A huge</span>, double-sheeted copy of the <i>Times</i> newspaper was put into the +hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a +bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal. +"Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well +for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living +in the country,—it is equal to a <i>day's fishing</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDIX.—PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Parr</span> had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not +even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged +with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady +how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well, +madam, considering that I have <i>three</i> adversaries."</p> + +<h4>CDX.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On the depth of Lord —— arguments.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Yes</span>, in debate we must admit,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His argument is quite profound;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His reasoning's <i>deep</i>, for <i>deuce a bit</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2">Can anybody <i>see the ground</i>.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CDXI.—A SEASONABLE JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span>, being in company, where he said something humorous in +rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of +Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I advise you to give him whatever he axes;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I advise you to give it without any flummery,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For though his name's <i>Winter</i>, his actions are <i>summary</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDXII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On the immortality of ——'s speeches.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thy</span> speeches are immortal, O my friend,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For he that hears them—hears them to <i>no end</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDXIII.—A CONSIDERATE SON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A witch</span>, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired +him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you +wrong, for the <i>drier</i> you are, the better you will burn."</p> + +<h4>CDXIV.—DANGEROUSLY WELL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron</span>, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady —— +has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is +<i>dangerously well</i> again."</p> + +<h4>CDXV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On Lord E—nb——h's pericranium.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Let</span> none because of its abundant <i>locks</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That dandy E—nb——h's "knowledge-box"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Has anything worth larceny within it.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDXVI.—A NEW SCHOLAR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Californian</span> gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to +procure for him a library of books. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> friend obeyed, and received a +letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your +selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, +by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. +Shakespeare. <i>If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, +be sure and send me their new works</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDXVII.—PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jemmy Gordon</span>, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named <i>Pilgrim</i>, who +was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes, +exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; +you have put a stop to <i>Pilgrim's Progress</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CDXVIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Life</span> is a lottery where we find<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That fortune plays full many a prank;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And when poor —— got his mind,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Twas fortune made him <i>draw a blank</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDXIX.—A SUDDEN CHANGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was +very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by +the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had +hopped a little farther, it would have <i>hopped into the water</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDXX.—VALUABLE DISCOVERY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A recent</span> philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned! +"How—how—how?" we hear everybody asking. He <i>never</i> run in debt.</p> + +<h4>CDXXI.—A USEFUL ALLY.</h4> + +<p>"<i>Cracked</i> China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for +you, or else the deuce is in it!</p> + +<h4>CDXXII.—TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span> sitting next some chattering woman at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> dinner, observing he +didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the +better for what I am saying to you!"—"No, ma'am," he answered, "but +this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at <i>one +ear</i> and went out at <i>the other</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CDXXIII.—WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David +Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir +David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant +human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of +puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes, +as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with +serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He <i>sees</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CDXXIV.—RINGING THE CHANGES.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"><span class="smcap">At</span> a tavern one night,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Messrs. <i>More</i>, <i>Strange</i>, and <i>Wright</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0">Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Says More, "Of us three,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">The whole town will agree,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There is only one knave, and that's <i>Strange</i>."<br /></span> +<span class="i4">"Yes," says Strange (rather sore),<br /></span> +<span class="i4">"I'm sure there's one <i>More</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A most terrible knave and a bite,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Who cheated his mother,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">His sister and brother."—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"O yes," replied More, "that is <i>Wright</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDXXV.—KNOWING HIS MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver +ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner +for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't +exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an <i>attorney</i>, he would have +<i>stolen the bowl</i> as well as the ladle."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CDXXVI.—A SMALL GLASS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing +<i>Macbeth</i>, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the +performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass, +saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke; +take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you, +sir!"—"<i>Not if it was vitriol</i>!" was the rejoinder.</p> + +<h4>CDXXVII.—DOMESTIC ECONOMY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of +meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven +dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a <i>young</i> +lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day. +To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she +had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:—</p> + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary=""> +<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left'>£</td><td align='left'>s.</td><td align='left'>d.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>At top, fish, two herrings</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>1</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Middle, one ounce and a half of butter, melted</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-3/4</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Bottom, a mutton chop, divided</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>2</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>On one side, one pound of small potatoes</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-1/2</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>On the other side, pickled cabbage</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-1/2</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>1-1/2</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a pudding</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-1/2</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Parsley for garnish</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-1/4</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left' colspan='3'>——————</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left'>£0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>7</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left' colspan='3'>——————</td></tr> +</table></div> + +<p>—Seven dishes for sevenpence!</p> + +<h4>CDXXVIII.—AN EMPTY HEAD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Of</span> a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he +said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."</p> + +<h4>CDXXIX.—A BAD LABEL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Tom</span> bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> of a label, wrote +his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied +it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly +remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"—"Why?" +said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the <i>eight</i> of clubs +and take it!"</p> + +<h4>CDXXX.—"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was +short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the +player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his +handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah! +sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for <i>my own</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDXXXI.—MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">All</span> honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if +classed by moral distinctions.</p> + +<h4>CDXXXII.—A SILK GOWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Grattan</span> said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on +getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk +to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had +been enveloped <i>in silk</i>, no spark of <i>patriotism</i> had reached his +heart.</p> + +<h4>CDXXXIII.—EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Every</span> Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it +is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to +be <i>plucked</i> at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T. +Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I have heard they <i>plucked</i> geese upon <i>Shelford</i> Fen,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But never till now knew that <i>Shelford</i> plucked men."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDXXXIV.—THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> enjoying a +glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a +certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass, +"that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so +good in it."</p> + +<h4>CDXXXV.—FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span>, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord +Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote +observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his +lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much +more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit, +"why you should have given him a <i>dinner</i> like this, and <i>poisoned +him</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDXXXVI.—UNREASONABLE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Tom</span>," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a +soldier as you get drunk so often?"—"Colonel," replied he, "how can you +expect all the <i>virtues</i> that adorn the human character for <i>sixpence</i> +a-day?"</p> + +<h4>CDXXXVII.—AN HONEST WARRANTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain +concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I +have bought your horse, what are his faults?"—"I know of no faults that +he has, except two," replied the man; "and <i>one</i> is, that he is hard to +catch."—"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to +catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"—"Ah, sir! +that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when +you <i>have</i> caught him."</p> + +<h4>CDXXXVIII.—THE REASON WHY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late +storm was, because there was a <i>heavy mortgage</i> on it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CDXXXIX.—BLOTTING IT OUT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mathews's</span> attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his +medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On +discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I +have given you ink."—"Never—never mind, my boy—never mind," said +Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit—of <i>blotting-paper</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDXL.—CLERICAL WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel +of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The <i>font</i> is at the other +end of the church."—"What do I want with the font?" said the old +gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought +you had brought <i>this child to be christened</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDXLI.—A NICE DISTINCTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Ned Shuter</span> thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings +with holes to having them darned:—"A hole," said he, "may be the +<i>accident</i> of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but <i>a darn</i> +is premeditated poverty."</p> + +<h4>CDXLII.—WIT AND QUACKERY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A celebrated</span> quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in +order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came +there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry +Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here <i>for want</i>?"—"No faith, +sir," replied Andrew, "we have <i>enough</i> of that at home."</p> + +<h4>CDXLIII.—WIT DEFINED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dryden's</span> description of wit is excellent. He says:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"A thousand different shapes wit wears,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Comely in thousand shapes appears;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Admired with laughter at a feast;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The proofs of wit for ever must remain."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CDXLIV.—A VAIN SEARCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Francis Blake Delaval's</span> death had such an effect on Foote that he +burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; +the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, +with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week, +sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect +his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with +some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have +known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find +anything in it."</p> + +<h4>CDXLV.—A BAD CUSTOMER.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">We</span> don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give +you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for +three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass +swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I +think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of +'em <i>five or six</i> for a penny anywhere else."</p> + +<h4>CDXLVI.—A REFLECTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him +he could plainly see a <i>rogue</i> in his face. "I never knew till now," +said the witness, "that my <i>face</i> was a <i>looking-glass</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDXLVII.—FOOTE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a +foolish scrape about <i>the antiquity of family</i> with another artist, who +gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable +time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of +the argument; your family is not only <i>several thousand years old</i>, but +at the same time <i>the most numerous</i> of any on the face of the globe, on +the authority of Shakespeare:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"All the souls that are, were <i>Forfeit</i> once."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CDXLVIII.—INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Died</span> from fatigue, three laundresses together all,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Verdict,—had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.</p></div> + +<h4>CDXLIX.—A BASE ONE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span> was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a +person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady +to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a <i>base +'un</i>," said Jerrold.</p> + +<h4>CDL.—PROFITABLE JUGGLING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A professor</span> of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which +was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives" +with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a +little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily +exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my +bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler. +"Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an +ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it +into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll <i>no turn't</i> into a bawbee +again."</p> + +<h4>CDLI.—PICKPOCKETING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the +very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring +whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor +of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow, +"your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings +in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a <i>flat</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDLII.—DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to +finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> the neighborhood of the +inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning +privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a +waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place, +said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his +usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman +<i>like the knave of clubs</i>, tell him he is particularly wanted." The +waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.</p> + +<h4>CDLIII.—AFFECTATION.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Delia</span> is twenty-two, and yet so weak,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDLIV.—WARM FRIENDSHIPS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated +for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner +takes them up than he puts them down again."</p> + +<h4>CDLV.—THEATRICAL MISTAKES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A laughable</span> blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in +the season of 1823, in the part of <i>Miss Stirling</i>, in "The Clandestine +Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of <i>Betty</i>, who had locked the +door of <i>Miss Fanny's</i> room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said, +"<i>She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket</i>." +Mrs. Davenport, as <i>Mrs. Heidelberg</i>, had previously excited a hearty +laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "<i>I protest there's a +candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand</i>;" but the +mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, +that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke +with three rounds of applause.</p> + +<h4>CDLVI.—A BROKEN HEAD.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I am</span> the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> "that ever had a +broken head,—to live after it. I was hunting near my place in +Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a +scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head +was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders +like a pair of epaulettes. <i>That</i> was a broken head, if you please, +sir."</p> + +<h4>CDLVII.—CALEDONIAN COMFORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their +quarters for the night at a <i>Highland hotel</i> in Breadalbane: one of them +next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent +bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea +vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the <i>bugs</i>, for +de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"</p> + +<h4>CDLVIII.—AN ODD FAMILY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Blayney</span> said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each +other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be +<i>hereditary</i> in their family to have no children."</p> + +<h4>CDLIX.—A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor M——t</span>, after he retired from practice, being one day in +company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of +conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically +observed, "If any man were to claim the <i>coat</i> upon my back, and +threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in +defending my <i>coat</i> I should too late find that I was deprived of my +<i>waistcoat</i> also."</p> + +<h4>CDLX.—BEN JONSON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of +fish, but without drink, said:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"In a dish came fish<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From the arch-bis-<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hop was not there,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Because there was no <i>beer</i>."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CDLXI.—UNREMITTING KINDNESS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Call</span> that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent +acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a +farthing! Call that kindness?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.</p> + +<h4>CDLXII.—KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last +scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is +made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added, +"and the Birmingham <i>audience</i> into the bargain."</p> + +<h4>CDLXIII.—A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A learned</span> doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public +benefit, inasmuch as it <i>kills off</i> all the foolish girls, and leaves +the wise only to grow into women.</p> + +<h4>CDLXIV.—A MARK OF RESPECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Congreve</span> was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive +disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter +said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my +head."—"I accept it," said Congreve; "for <i>trifles</i> show respect."</p> + +<h4>CDLXV.—A GRETNA CUSTOMER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A runaway</span> couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five +guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the +gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a +guinea."—"True," said the smith, "but <i>he</i> was an Irishman. I have +married him six times. <i>He is a good customer</i>, and <i>you</i> I may never +see again."</p> + +<h4>CDLXVI.—LEAVING HIS VERDICT.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I remember</span>," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York, +and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are +only eleven jurymen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> in the box, where is the twelfth?'—'Please you, my +lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other +business—but <i>he has left his verdict with me</i>!'"</p> + +<h4>CDLXVII.—OVER-WISE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one +morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following +passage:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><ins class="translit" title="All ouk arisophos eimi.">Αλλ ουκ αρισοφος ειμι.</ins><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>To which he gave the proper sense,—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I am not <i>over-wise</i>;"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,—"<i>You</i> are quite right, +sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."</p> + +<h4>CDLXVIII.—IMPROMPTU.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'<span class="smcap">Tis</span> said that walls have ears; if this be true,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDLXIX.—INDEPENDENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jemmy Gordon</span>, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without +shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very +indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him, +if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse +me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand +in <i>your shoes</i> for all the world!"</p> + +<h4>CDLXX.—ON PRIDE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Fitsmall</span>, who drinks with knights and lords,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To steal a share of notoriety,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Will tell you in important words,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He <i>mixes</i> in the best society.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDLXXI.—BLACK LETTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a +black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the +precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old +books,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very <i>indifferent +spelling</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDLXXII.—A HIATUS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Did</span> you not on going down find a <i>party</i> in your kitchen?" asked an +underbred barrister of a witness. "A <i>tea-party</i>, Mr. ——?" mildly +interposed Judge Maule.</p> + +<h4>CDLXXIII.—A REASONABLE REQUEST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only +cost a few men."—"Will <i>you</i> make one of the few?" remarked the +general.</p> + +<h4>CDLXXIV.—A STRIKING POINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, +Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the +House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the <i>noes</i> +(<i>nose</i>) will have it."</p> + +<h4>CDLXXV.—VERY PRETTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress +knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her +beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful +woman he had ever seen. "I thought so <i>yesterday</i>," he replied.</p> + +<h4>CDLXXVI.—AN ODD BIRD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A late</span> Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. +He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The +duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his +surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord +Thurlow's <i>laid an egg</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDLXXVII.—INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Found</span> dead, a rat—no case could sure be harder;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Verdict—Confined a week in Eldon's larder.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Verdict—Ennui—so little work to do.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CDLXXVIII.—"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Mr. John Smith</span>, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a +"fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a +steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to +drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a +tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute +darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my +fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second +clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized +him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler +with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down +through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by +the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up +to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax' +demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too +high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty +dollars in my life, <i>and I've done the same thing often</i>.'"</p> + +<h4>CDLXXIX.—CONFIDENCE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Why</span>," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always +sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention +to every stranger I invite?"—"Because, sir," was the reply, "when <i>you</i> +preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust <i>a stranger</i> without +keeping a good look-out."</p> + +<h4>CDLXXX.—THE CUT INFERNAL.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Said</span> Wetherall the other night<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of ——: "He's the silliest elf<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I ever <i>knew</i>." Sir Charles was right,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For no one ever <i>knows himself</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDLXXXI.—FEELING HIS WAY.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Uncle</span>," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him +rather sparingly with pocket-money),<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> "is the Queen's head <i>still</i> on +the sovereign?"—"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask +that?"—"Because it is now such a length of time since <i>I saw one</i>."</p> + +<h4>CDLXXXII.—THE WILL.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> dying intestate, his relatives claimed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Since he married, poor man, he'd <i>no will of his own</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CDLXXXIII.—INGENUOUSNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their +general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him +was true. "General," said one of them, "<i>it is</i>; and we should have said +much more if our <i>wine</i> had not failed."</p> + +<h4>CDLXXXIV.—A NEW SPORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span> thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, +gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with +venison, and go a-<i>Quinning</i>, I should certainly bite; and what a sight +should I be dangling in the air!"</p> + +<h4>CDLXXXV.—SYDNEY SMITH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had +been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, +and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this," +said Mr. Smith. "<i>Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente</i>," was the reply. +"Pray, sir, do you <i>believe</i> in a <i>cook</i>?" inquired Mr. Smith.</p> + +<h4>CDLXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ——'S CONSISTENCY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">That</span> he's ne'er known to change his mind,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is surely nothing strange;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For no one yet could ever find<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He'd any mind to change.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CDLXXXVII.—A FAIR PROPOSAL.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Why</span> don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F—— to a boy struggling +with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will +<i>hold</i> my calf, I'll pull off my hat."</p> + +<h4>CDLXXXVIII.—A DOUBTFUL CREED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Judge Maule</span>, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant +who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants, +Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion—of <i>what</i> religion does +not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of +Christianity." Severe.</p> + +<h4>CDLXXXIX.—A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner +tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating +that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when +the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco +kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' +it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the +ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting +it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I +think, mistress, <i>a cheese</i> in the ither en' wad mak' <i>a gran' +balance</i>." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John +Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."</p> + +<h4>CDXC.—GOOD RIDDANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of +which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, +addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health, +gentlemen all, of the <i>waiter</i> that called my Lord —— out of the +room."</p> + +<h4>CDXCI.—CALCULATION.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Says</span> Giles, "My wife and I are <i>two</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Quoth Jack, "You're <i>ten</i>, if I speak true;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She 's <i>one</i> and you're a <i>cipher</i>."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>CDXCII.—GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards +filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom +to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being +present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to +the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of +dese, give me the man wid de <i>dying speech</i>," meaning Mr. Adams, who was +then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the +report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.</p> + +<h4>CDXCIII.—SLEEPING ROUND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it, +John?"—"Very wet, sir."—"Any mullet in the market?"—"No, +sir."—"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he +composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the <i>ennui</i> of a dull day.</p> + +<h4>CDXCIV.—AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I suppose</span>," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that +you think me a <i>humbug</i>?"—"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that +you can <i>discover</i> a man's thoughts by your touch."</p> + +<h4>CDXCV.—NOT SO EASY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was +advised by the Court not to <i>show temper</i>, but to <i>show cause</i>.</p> + +<h4>CDXCVI.—A POINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pope</span> was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of +literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found +a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard +their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the +passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the +young gentleman look at it." Upon which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> the officer took up the +manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note +of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the +case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a <i>note of +interrogation</i>?"—"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow, +with a look of great contempt, "is a little <i>crooked thing</i> that asks +questions."</p> + +<h4>CDXCVII.—THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth," +quoth the other, "because scholars are <i>so poor</i> that they have <i>not a +sovereign</i> amongst them."</p> + +<h4>CDXCVIII.—CHALLENGING A JURY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, +was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom +he objected, he might legally <i>challenge</i> them. "Faith, and so I will," +replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will <i>challenge</i> every man of +them."</p> + +<h4>CDXCIX.—WALPOLIANA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father, +they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"—"Well," replied the +Bishop, "and what is that to you?"—"Nay, nothing; only if you had told +me, I would have <i>powdered</i> my hair."</p> + +<p>A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a +little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his +mouth was <i>very sore</i>.</p> + +<p>After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, +whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and +was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the <i>cambric bill</i>;" +which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not <i>ruffled</i>."</p> + +<h4>D.—MINDING HIS BUSINESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Murphy</span> was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: +"Indeed, master, it's because of taking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> your own advice, always to +attind to what I'm about; so whenever I <i>sleeps</i>, I pays <i>attintion</i> to +it."</p> + +<h4>DI.—PENCE TABLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A schoolboy</span> going into the village without leave, his master called +after him, "Where are you going, sir?"—"I am going to buy a ha'porth of +nails."—"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"—"For a +<i>halfpenny</i>," replied the urchin.</p> + +<h4>DII.—SATISFACTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord William Poulat</span> was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The +Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord +William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a +denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is +to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"—"Oh! my Lord," said the +person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me <i>you did +not</i> write the book."</p> + +<h4>DIII.—A SAFE APPEAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any +person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or +neglect."—"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know, +doctor, <i>dead</i> men tell no tales."</p> + +<h4>DIV.—A CAUTIOUS LOVER.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">When</span> I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and +signed every letter to my love,—'Yours, without prejudice!'"—D.J.</p> + +<h4>DV.—THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A wag</span>, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him +what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a +bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, +saying, "There, I give you the <i>scabbard</i> back again."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DVI.—TOUCHING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me +his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like <i>a +father</i>."—"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you +like <i>a child</i>."</p> + +<h4>DVII.—THE COLLEGE BELL!</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each +gentleman should toast his favorite <i>Belle</i>. When it came to the turn of +Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the <i>quorum</i>) to be called on for +the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave, +"The College Bell!" <i>Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri</i>!</p> + +<h4>DVIII.—FRENCH LANGUAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to +Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of +a language which has but one word for <i>liking</i> and <i>loving</i>, and puts a +fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:—<i>J'aime Julie; J'aime un +gigot</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DIX.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">He</span> says he don't think of himself,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And I'm to believe him inclined;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For by the confession, the elf<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Admits that he's <i>out</i> of his <i>mind</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DX.—CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, +and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys +were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard +the bell, boys; why did you not come?"—"Please, sir," said the +favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the +school-bell was the steamboat-bell."—"Very well," said the master, glad +of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> to the +other, "what have you to say?"—"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, +"<i>I—I—was waiting to see Tom off</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DXI.—ANTICIPATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Avondale</span>, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to +anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through +the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a +calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ——" "O, my +goodness!—he killed <i>the child</i>!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord, +<i>the calf</i>; but you will always anticipate."</p> + +<h4>DXII.—THE BEST JUDGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:—</p> + +<p>"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."—"No, I think not," +replied the husband.</p> + +<p>"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them +ought to know."</p> + +<h4>DXIII.—THE RIVALS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A good</span> story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. +The <i>dramatis personæ</i> were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, +and an eminent French physician,—the historian and doctor being rivals +in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of +her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, +"<i>Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la +guérirai</i>." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, +I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and +looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "<i>Quand milady Elizabeth +Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai</i>." [When my +Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]</p> + +<h4>DXIV.—DEAD LANGUAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who +had previously filled the office of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a +hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, <i>feu Lord +Maire de Londres</i>," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having +translated the word "late" into "<i>feu</i>," which we need hardly state +means "dead."</p> + +<h4>DXV.—WALPOLIANA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir John Germain</span> was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy +to Sir Matthew Decker, as the <i>author</i> of St. Matthew's Gospel.</p> + +<p>Churchill (General C——, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked +Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me, +too?"—"No, Charles," replied he, "<i>you break</i> fast enough of yourself!" +Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?</p> + +<p>Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity, +Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything +in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his +collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his +company; that he never heard so much <i>heathenish talk</i> in his days. +Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said +before him, <i>that the soul was only a little glue</i>.</p> + +<h4>DXVI.—A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span>, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be +let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next +Sunday."—"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the +archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ——, what became of you? we expected +you to preach to-day."—"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my +preaching to-day."—"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you +<i>from</i> preaching."</p> + +<h4>DXVII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">They</span> say his <i>wit's refined</i>! Thus is explained<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The seeming mystery—<i>his wit is strained</i>.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>DXVIII.—A NICE DISTINCTION.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman +he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems +nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers +were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a <i>form</i>, +but you stand upon <i>ceremony</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXIX.—LATE DINNER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and +later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till +<i>to-morrow</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXX.—AN OLD JOKE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Alas!" cried the Fair on his left—"to what use?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For you never saw <i>either served up</i> with a goose!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DXXI.—TIME WORKS WONDERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far +between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long +time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, +"Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"—"Yes, +sir."—"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how <i>you have grown</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DXXII.—A NOVEL IDEA.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Morrow's</span> Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a +popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the +piety of certain ladies here. They go to <i>Day</i> for a sermon and to +<i>Morrow</i> for a novel!"</p> + +<h4>DXXIII.—THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> pleader referred +in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said +that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said +that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well +as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for +the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a +name by describing it as "an initial."—"Yes," retorted the judge, "but +it does not aver that it is not a <i>final</i> as well as an <i>initial</i> +letter."</p> + +<h4>DXXIV.—LOSING AN I.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much +impropriety; and at last saying the word <i>curosity</i>, a counsellor +exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"—"Nay," +returned another, "he has only knocked an <i>I</i> out."</p> + +<h4>DXXV.—DRIVING IT HOME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable +man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still +repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in +truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a +habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his +clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case +to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed, +and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't +<i>into</i> me, and ye're just duntin't <i>out o' me</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXXVI.—THE EMPTY GUN.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Don't <i>cock</i> your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Fear not—his head's not <i>charged</i>," a friend replies.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DXXVII.—A PIECE OF PLATE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening +called him into the green-room, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> addressed him to this effect: +"Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased +me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your +acceptance of a small <i>piece of plate</i>." It was, beyond all question, a +<i>very</i> small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!</p> + +<h4>DXXVIII.—EPISCOPAL SAUCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, +"Mr. ——!" There was silence. "Mr. ——, what is the proper female +companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an +answer came, "<i>Anne Chovy</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXXIX.—A GOOD CRITIC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span> of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so +much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have +a master very difficult to please?"—"Who?"—"<i>Myself</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXXX.—WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Wilkes</span>, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked +him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn +was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, +with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of +mine; the fellow was a <i>Wilkite</i>, which your Majesty knows <i>I never +was</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXXXI.—A SLIGHT ERUPTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My +lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"—"What has happened, +man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken +out."—"Where? where?"—"In the <i>Isle of Man</i>."—"In the Isle of Man," +repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"</p> + +<h4>DXXXII.—SMOKING AN M.P.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> honorable member, speaking about the tax on <i>tobacco</i>, somewhat +ludicrously called for certain <i>returns</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DXXXIII.—A TIMELY REPROOF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord +Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of +to-day I never heard before."—"O, my lord!" said the flattered +chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said +anything new on the subject."—"I heard the clock <i>strike twice</i>," said +Lord Mulgrave.</p> + +<h4>DXXXIV.—REPROOF.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I can't</span> find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor +I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to <i>work</i> for it."</p> + +<h4>DXXXV.—A SATISFACTORY REASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alexander</span>, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of +Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards +Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony. +"You are a builder, I believe?"—"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an +architect!"—"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they +are much the same, I suppose?"—"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit +that: I consider them to be totally different!"—"O, indeed! perhaps you +will state wherein this great difference consists?"—"An architect, sir, +prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the +specifications,—in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the +bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,—the +architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it +going!"—"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your +very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform +the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"—"There was +<i>no</i> architect, sir, and hence <i>the confusion</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DXXXVI.—THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A Bermondsey</span> tanner would often engage,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In a long <i>tête-à-tête</i> with his dame,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> +<span class="i0">While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">About giving their villa a name.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Stole out, half an hour after dark,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And wrote on the palings,—"<i>Hide</i> Park!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DXXXVII.—AN ABSENT MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A conceited</span> young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not +being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O, +my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not +<i>missed</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXXXVIII.—A DOUBLE KNOCK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> Dr. K——'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in +some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish +government will not be able to stand many more such <i>Knocks Down</i> as +this!"</p> + +<h4>DXXXIX.—A PROPER RETORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to +Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B——, who is not such a fool +as he looks."—"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great +<i>difference</i> between me and my friend."</p> + +<h4>DXL.—FORAGING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers +were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it +was said to be part of the stage directions,—"<i>Enter</i> the Red Coat: +<i>Exeunt</i> Hat and Cloak."</p> + +<h4>DXLI.—ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He happened to tread on a very small pig:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For surely thou art an <i>abridgment of Bacon</i>."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>DXLII.—UNKIND.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age +I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her +ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question +again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of <i>discretion</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXLIII.—DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of +Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, <i>Non rapui sed +recepi</i> ["I did not <i>steal</i> it, but I <i>received</i> it"]. This being shown +to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The <i>receiver</i> is as +bad as the <i>thief</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXLIV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On ——'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> really —— do but loathe<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Things base or mean, I must confess<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'd very freely take my oath,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Self-love's a fault he don't possess.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DXLV.—ELOQUENT SILENCE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> have already read that section four times, Mr. ——," said Maule to +a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ——, I use no <i>epithet</i>, it is +iteration;" his look implying <i>the anathema</i>.</p> + +<h4>DXLVI.—KEEPING A PROMISE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thus</span>, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I know thy fortune is but very scant,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But never will I see my friend in want."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He kept his word,—in want he ne'er would see him!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DXLVII.—NAVAL ORATORY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> mutiny broke out in the +ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men +signed <i>a round robin</i>, wherein they declared that they would not fire a +gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this +declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed +them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as +to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:—I'll clap you alongside +the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil +himself will not be able to <i>keep you from it</i>." The men all returned to +their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten +times over.</p> + +<h4>DXLVIII.—VERSE AND WORSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, +it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him +that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. +Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At +length the <i>wittiest</i> among them thus ended the contest:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Excuse me, if I just step home;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Two lines already!—be not cru'l,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Consider, honeys,—I'm a fool.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There's four lines!—now I'll gain the fowls,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DXLIX.—THE IRON DUKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at +Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to +receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a +<i>sovereign</i>, which he probably would have done had he at the time +refused to take <i>no change</i>. The Reform Bill was under consideration.</p> + +<h4>DL.—CLEAR THE COURT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so +by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye <i>blackguards</i> that isn't +<i>lawyers</i>, must lave the coort."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DLI—SCOTCH CAUTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who +was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I +hae been a gude wife to you, John."—"O, just middling, just middling, +Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye +maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my +mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke +o' Glasgow."—"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly, +"we'll just pit you in the Gorbals <i>first</i>, and gin ye dinna lie quiet, +we'll try you sine in Stra'von."</p> + +<h4>DLII.—WALPOLIANA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Charles Wager</span> always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days, +he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no +other nation would stand <i>beating</i> for two days together."</p> + +<p>Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when +Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his +usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost; +he asked whether the copy had been taken <i>before</i> the original was lost, +or <i>after</i>!</p> + +<p>This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves +so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an +<i>oyster</i> speak as well twenty times."</p> + +<h4>DLIII.—NOT POLITE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. P——</span>, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want +of <i>head</i>, by demanding a <i>poll</i>.</p> + +<h4>DLIV.—EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A case</span> of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a +great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that +he was <i>drunk</i> when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord +Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> a thing when he was +drunk, what might he not have done when he was <i>sober</i>?" evidently +implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful +one, was a condition of intoxication.</p> + +<h4>DLV.—ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">This</span> case is the strangest we've known in our life,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DLVI.—CONFIDENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to +him:—</p> + +<p>"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"</p> + +<p><i>Jerrold.</i>—"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."</p> + +<h4>DLVII.—LADY ANNE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Portsmouth, during the representation of <i>Richard the Third</i>, on +Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here," +Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they +were <i>battle-axes</i> (basilisks) to strike <i>thee dead</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLVIII.—NICE LANGUAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had +been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the +witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing +<i>bowels</i>?"—"Yes, sir."—"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"—"Yes, +sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it <i>a wren's</i> +stomach?"</p> + +<h4>DLIX.—UNPOETICAL REPLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A hardy</span> seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our +coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over +him. He replied, "<i>Wet</i>, ma'am,—<i>very wet</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DLX.—IMITATION OF A COW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. James Boswell</span>, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a +youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr. +Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal +cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was +complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to +imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious +for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would +confine myself to <i>the cow</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLXI.—TAKING HIS MEASURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A conceited</span> packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in +order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his +southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big +places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude +wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"—"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for +we aye think the <i>selvidge</i> is the wakest bit o' the wab!"</p> + +<h4>DLXII.—THURLOW AND PITT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly +terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how +Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he +<i>draws</i>, but he has not refused <i>his oats</i> yet."</p> + +<h4>DLXIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On Lord ——'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to +excessive gout.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> asserting that Z. is with villany rife,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Since <i>two</i> members <i>attached to his person through life</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Have, on recent occasions, <i>refused to support him</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DLXIV.—A HAPPY MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord M——</span> had a very exalted opinion of his own<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> cleverness, and once +made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish +thing, I always burst out a laughing!"—"I envy you your happiness, my +lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the +<i>merriest</i> life of any man in Europe."</p> + +<h4>DLXV.—VULGAR ARGUMENTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a +friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing +noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the +Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table, +and roared at his adversary:—</p> + +<p>"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"</p> + +<p>The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere +lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:—</p> + +<p>"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"</p> + +<p>Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung +the bell, and shouted:—</p> + +<p>"Waiter, <i>spittoons for two</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DLXVI.—A CLEAR CASE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Justice Maule</span> would occasionally tax the powers of country juries. +<i>Ex. gr.</i> "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly +right in his law, there is <i>some</i> evidence upon that point; but he's a +lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by <i>some</i> +evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of +exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six +others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others +knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the +other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the +defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he +rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be <i>some</i> +evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. —— means in this case." +Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DLXVII.—THE LATIN FOR COLD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A schoolmaster</span> asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was +the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, +although I have it at my <i>fingers' ends</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLXVIII.—PIECE DE RESISTANCE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Do</span> come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have +only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."—"O my dear +fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very +same I should have had at home, <i>barrin' the beef</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLXIX.—LAMB AND ERSKINE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor Lamb</span>, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his +reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his +pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when +opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt +himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."—"No wonder," +replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a <i>lamb</i> +grows, the more <i>sheepish</i> he becomes."</p> + +<h4>DLXX.—TRUE WIT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">True</span> wit is like the brilliant stone<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Dug from Golconda's mine;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Which boasts two various powers in one,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To cut as well as shine.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Genius, like that, if polished right,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With the same gifts abounds;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Appears at once both keen and bright,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And sparkles while it wounds.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DLXXI.—ORDER! ORDER!</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A barrister</span> opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule +interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ——, you would put your facts in some +order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any +order you like—<i>alphabetical</i> order."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DLXXII.—THEATRICAL WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hatton</span>, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and +particularly in the part of <i>Jack Junk</i>, was one night at Gosport, +performing the character of <i>Barbarossa</i>. In the scene where the tyrant +makes love to <i>Zapphira</i>, and reminds her of his services against the +enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word +from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and +regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy +of tragedy—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i12">"Did not I,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From Egypt's shores?"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the +actor with three rounds of applause.</p> + +<h4>DLXXIII.—THE CUT DIRECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator +"how he would have it done?"—"If possible," replied the gentleman, "<i>in +silence</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLXXIV.—BUSY BODIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A master</span> of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, +sir."—"What are you doing?"—"Nothing, sir."—"Is Tom there?"—"Yes," +said Tom. "What are <i>you</i> doing?"—"Helping Will, sir."</p> + +<h4>DLXXV.—THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith +took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several +parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to +hear the representative of <i>Young Marlow</i> play it as an Irishman. As +soon as <i>Marlow</i> came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of +this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir," +replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in +which you instructed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> me, except that I did not give it quite so strong +a <i>brogue</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLXXVI.—THE FORCE OF HABIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A toping</span> bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W. +Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How +will you have it?" replied, "<i>Cold, without sugar</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLXXVII.—NOTICE TO QUIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed +time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out +to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on +the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"</p> + +<p>Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound. +"Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift <i>their +quarters</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLXXVIII.—A LITERAL JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Eldon</span> always pronounced the word <i>lien</i> as though it were <i>lyon</i>; +and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word <i>lean</i>. On this Jekyll +wrote the following epigram:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">By saying the Chancellor's <i>lion</i> is <i>lean</i>?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That nothing within it will ever get fat?"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DLXXIX.—AN ARGUMENT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Says</span> P—l—s, "Why the Bishops are<br /></span> +<span class="i0">By nature meant the <i>soil</i> to share,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'll quickly make you understand;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For can we not deduct with ease,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That nature has designed the <i>seas</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2">Expressly to <i>divide the land</i>?"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DLXXX.—THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the +University of Cambridge, he was called<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> in, in a case of some +difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his +opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had +previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend +into the patient's stomach with a <i>candle and lantern</i>, when he ascended +he would not be able to name the complaint."</p> + +<h4>DLXXXI.—ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">King Henry VIII.</span>, designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very +dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying, +"Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go +near to cost him his life."—"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French +king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen +Frenchmen now in my power."—"But of all these heads," replied the +nobleman, "there may not be <i>one to fit</i> my shoulders."</p> + +<h4>DLXXXII.—KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to +articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at +this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two +universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which +was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, +saying, "He could not <i>afford</i> to keep a conscience."</p> + +<h4>DLXXXIII.—DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A tradesman</span> having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last +desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to +him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard +for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall +never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, +and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a +set of vagabonds, for whom <i>I have no affection</i>, and they may waste +their time as they please."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DLXXXIV.—PORTMANTEAU <i>v.</i> TRUNK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Serjeant Whitaker</span>, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an +eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and +the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm. +"Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At +first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting +that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it +<i>did every bit</i> as well."</p> + +<h4>DLXXXV.—SEEING A CORONATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A sad</span> mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated +Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst +he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of +Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly +pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, +indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this +<i>tête-à-tête</i> the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen +everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I +do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so +greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he +eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless +duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till +the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression +replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have +<i>your wish</i>." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.</p> + +<h4>DLXXXVI.—HOOK'S POLITENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hook</span> was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin +in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one +else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow +to the flowers."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DLXXXVII.—ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT <span class="smcap">Boulogne</span> TURNED, BY DESIGN OR +ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Upon</span> its lofty column's stand<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Napoleon takes his place:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His back still turned upon that land<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That never saw his face.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DLXXXVIII.—OLD TIMES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He +wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile, +replied, "Look among <i>the robberies</i>."</p> + +<h4>DLXXXIX.—AN ARCADIAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lazy</span> fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this +was called <i>work</i>, and well paid!"</p> + +<h4>DXC.—JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain +for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great +politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, +his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see, +madam, wherever <i>you</i> go there are <i>no seats</i> to be got."</p> + +<h4>DXCI.—ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">We</span> row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold. +This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. +Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we <i>do</i> row in the same boat, +but with very different skulls."</p> + +<h4>DXCII.—A GENUINE IRISH BULL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Boyle Roche</span> said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the +greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much +greater."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DXCIII.—THE RULING PASSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an +appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called +in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket, +doctor?" groaned out poor George.</p> + +<h4>DXCIV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On ——'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Lord ——'s</span> left his circuit for a day,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Which is to me a mystery profound;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He leaves the <i>circuit</i>! he, of whom they say,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That he delights in constant <i>turning round</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DXCV.—SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dignum</span> and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met +them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those +men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's +comedy, <i>Measure for Measure</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DXCVI.—DEGENERACY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord +Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up +stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at +their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were +walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants +were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare +cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their +<i>ain feet</i>."</p> + +<h4>DXCVII.—WORTHY OF CREDIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The +gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."—"Please your +honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the <i>credit</i> I give in that way."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DXCVIII.—PAYING IN KIND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A farmer</span>, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the +prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After +he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed, +as I have some like them in my yard."—"That's very likely," said the +farmer; "these are not the <i>only ducks</i> of the same sort I've had stolen +lately."</p> + +<h4>DXCIX.—VERY SERIOUS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A regular</span> physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at +being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling, +neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by +mistake, taken some of my <span class="smcap">own pills</span>."</p> + +<h4>DC.—THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Philip Thicknesse</span>, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of +money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he +immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's +house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters, +"Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip +Thicknesse, <i>father</i> of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and +the board was removed.</p> + +<h4>DCI.—DELICATE HINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Queen Caroline</span>, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters, +says, "<i>My better half</i>, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I +hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."</p> + +<h4>DCII.—A SCOTCH MEDIUM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister +sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been +'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."—"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy, +with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown +eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a +smell o' speerits <i>amang us</i> this mornin'!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A watch</span> lost in a tavern! That's a crime;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then see how men by drinking lose their time.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The watch kept time; and if time will away,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I see no reason why the watch should stay.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCIV.—PERFECT DISCONTENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy +depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang +it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she +wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."</p> + +<h4>DCV.—A BAD BARGAIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be +in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding +payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I +should be <i>in your debt</i> for the <i>remainder</i>; how can that be if I <i>pay</i> +it?"</p> + +<h4>DCVI.—A PIOUS MINISTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">If</span> it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example +to their inferiors, the E—— of R——, in his observance of one of the +commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the +Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do +<i>no manner of work</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCVII.—STERNE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to +physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne; +"but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not +deal in <i>scruples</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCVIII.—WHO'S THE FOOL?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Sergeant Parry</span>, in illustration of a case, told the following +anecdote:—</p> + +<p>Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale +several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he, +moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for +him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make +out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his +Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied, +"Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who +will never come back."—"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"—"Then +I shall erase <i>your</i> name and insert <i>theirs</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCIX.—COLD COMFORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A juryman</span>, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the +judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O, +tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go +before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."</p> + +<h4>DCX.—A GREAT DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided +into two very distinct classes,—the a-bility and the no-bility."</p> + +<h4>DCXI.—OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">King James</span> had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the +other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called <i>Ignoramus</i>, an ingenious +thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford +was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made +his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one <i>Sleep</i> made him +<i>wake</i>, and in Oxford one <i>Wake</i> made him <i>sleep</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCXII.—INQUEST—NOT EXTRAORDINARY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Great</span> Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> +<span class="i0">A jury sat, and found the verdict plain—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"She died of <i>milk and water on the brain</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCXIII.—STRANGE JETSUM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A thin</span> old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of +small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of +such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he +supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking +voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was <i>wrecked</i> hereabout +somewhere."</p> + +<h4>DCXIV.—THE TRUTH AT LAST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A good</span> instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival +paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at +Wit."</p> + +<h4>DCXV.—A PILL GRATIS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance, +said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."—"Very likely," remarked +his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to <i>employ you</i> in that +capacity?"</p> + +<h4>DCXVI.—RATHER HARD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large +mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have +found it <i>hard</i> to have been assailed with his <i>own constituents</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCXVII.—SCOTCH PENETRATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great +Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by +the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the +authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my +<i>ain</i> groats in ither folk's kail?"</p> + +<h4>DCXVIII.—A QUESTION OF TIME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> of Canterbury, he +was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present +employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will <i>excuse</i> me this +<i>fault</i>, I promise, if I live, to mend it."</p> + +<h4>DCXIX.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">—— ——'s</span> discourses from his <i>heart</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2">Proceed, as everybody owns;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And thus they prove the poet's art,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Who says that "sermons are in <i>stones</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCXX.—CONCURRENT EVENTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that +he had <i>lost</i> all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time, +sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I <i>lost</i> all my large estate in +Yorkshire."</p> + +<h4>DCXXI.—A GOOD EXCUSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally +in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had +taken <i>all</i> the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.</p> + +<h4>DCXXII.—SHORT AND SHARP.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Why</span>, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company +with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not +see you before."</p> + +<p>"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among +six copper pennies,—not easily perceived, but worth the <i>whole</i> of +them."</p> + +<h4>DCXXIII.—IRELAND'S FORGERY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Says</span> Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The <i>Lie of the Day</i>!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we <i>act the same</i>;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But to cozen the town we adopt a <i>new name</i>;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For that <i>Vortigern's</i> Shakespeare's we some of us say,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Which you very well know is a <i>lie</i> of the day."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>DCXXIV.—A GOOD ONE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lamb</span> and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's +early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and +Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he +paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"—"I +<i>never</i> heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.</p> + +<h4>DCXXV.—"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to <i>ignore</i> a bill. +"Write <i>Ignoramus for self and fellows</i> on the back of it," said Curran.</p> + +<h4>DCXXVI.—A WORD TO THE WISE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Balguy</span>, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an +excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All +wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr. +Wharton, then at Winchester school:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCXXVII.—LIBERAL GIFT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A comedian</span> at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had +met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards +he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he +returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me +something?"—"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I <i>give</i> +you the <i>hint</i>?"</p> + +<h4>DCXXVIII.—EASILY ANSWERED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox +twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.</p> + +<h4>DCXXIX.—ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> Dido mourned, Æneas would not come,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She wept in silence, and was <i>Di-Do-Dumb</i>.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>DCXXX.—DODGING A CREDITOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A creditor</span>, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of +Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose +his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said +Sheridan. "Do you think so?"—"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The +creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted +round the corner, and was <i>out of sight</i> in a moment.</p> + +<h4>DCXXXI.—BAD HABIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Frederick Flood</span> had a droll habit, of which he could never +effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or +suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a +moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion <i>literatim</i>. Sir +Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding +the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for +extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the +disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that +the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the +Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting +behind him, jocularly whispered, "<i>and be whipped at the cart's +tail</i>."—"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick +unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.</p> + +<h4>DCXXXII.—WHO'S TO BLAME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">King James</span> used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in +a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who +was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir, +whose <i>fault</i> is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.</p> + +<h4>DCXXXIII.—THE LETTER H.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir James Scarlett</span>, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness +whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be +bothered a little, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> his only vulnerable point was said to be his +self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,—a portly, +overdressed person,—and Scarlett took him in hand.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> You are a stock-broker?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> I <i>ham</i>!</p> + +<p>Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And +a very fine, well-dressed <i>ham</i> you are, sir?"</p> + +<p>The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the +witness, and the counsel's point was gained.</p> + +<h4>DCXXXIV.—TRUTH AND RHYME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to +respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the +bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow +(who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton) +had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the +bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said +to Barrow,—</p> + +<p>"<i>Quid est fides</i>?" (What is faith?)</p> + +<p>"<i>Quod non vides</i>" (What thou dost not see),</p> + +<p>answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little +vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,—</p> + +<p>"<i>Quid est spes</i>?" (What is hope?)</p> + +<p>"<i>Magna res</i>" (A great thing),</p> + +<p>replied the young candidate in the same breath.</p> + +<p>"<i>Quid est charitas</i>?" (What is charity?)</p> + +<p>was the next question.</p> + +<p>"<i>Magna raritas</i>" (A great rarity),</p> + +<p>was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a +precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the +bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give +rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he +believed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow, +Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of +the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he +is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to <i>examine us than +we him</i>." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.</p> + +<h4>DCXXXV.—A GOOD TRANSLATION.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Pistor</span> erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Thus translated—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCXXXVI.—MAD QUAKERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A mad</span> Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of +greater importance than any <i>other</i> mad person of the same degree in +life.</p> + +<h4>DCXXXVII.—BACON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A malefactor</span>, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to +him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a <i>reprieve</i>. +To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be +<i>Bacon</i> till he had first been <i>hung</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCXXXVIII.—A LETTER WANTING.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Said</span> vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCXXXIX.—ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to +see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the +shutters before there is something in the window."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCXL.—A PROMISE TO PAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Joe Haines</span> was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his +acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., +as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe, +"here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak +to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they +might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe +went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His +lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My +lord, here are two men who have such great <i>scruples of conscience</i>, +that I fear they'll hang themselves."—"Very well," said the bishop; so, +calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow +morning, and <i>I will satisfy you</i>." The men bowed, and went away +pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt +and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his +lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of +conscience?"—"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have <i>no scruples</i>. We +are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines, +for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us +to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed +were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.</p> + +<h4>DCXLI.—PUNCTUATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it +was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should +not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no <i>periods</i> to +their works."</p> + +<h4>DCXLII.—CON-CIDER-ATE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Bottetot</span>, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, +in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he +stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, +"Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not +let me linger; I see you have <i>not faggots enough</i>." This<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> good-humored +speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.</p> + +<h4>DCXLIII.—FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of +the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced +to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.</p> + +<h4>DCXLIV.—A-LIQUID.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Porson</span>, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a +loss for <i>something</i> to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass +mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, +without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he +inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only <i>a-liquid</i>!" +answered Porson.</p> + +<h4>DCXLV.—TOP AND BOTTOM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table +between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street, +Strand, where he resided:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>J.S.</i>—"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And ten dark coal barges are moored:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For there's <i>craft</i> in the river, and <i>craft</i> in the street."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Sir G.R.</i>—"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?<br /></span> +<span class="i4">For the attorneys are <i>just</i> at the top of the street,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And the barges are <i>just</i> at the bottom."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCXLVI.—A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In +the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's +foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send +the little<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied, +"and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,—'When +this you see, remember me.'"</p> + +<h4>DCXLVII.—A NEW DISGUISE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On +a masquerade night, he asked Foote what <i>new</i> character he should go in. +"Go sober!" said Foote.</p> + +<h4>DCXLVIII.—WET AND DRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Macknight</span>, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been +caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the +time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and +ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm +dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr. +Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be <i>dry +eneuch</i> when ye get into the <i>pu'pit</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCXLIX.—RUM AND WATER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, +being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly +answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ——, I canna' say I'm very fond +of rum; for if I tak' mair than <i>six</i> tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me +a headache."</p> + +<h4>DCL.—A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Perhaps</span> the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all +nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if +by common consent, is the following:—</p> + +<p><i>Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ——, an Irish +Member of Parliament, to his friend in London.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">My dear Sir</span>,—</p> + +<p>Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the +dreadful bustle and confusion we are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> in from these blood-thirsty +rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are +in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except +whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both +hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a +pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be +the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At +present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I +should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive +it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being +robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from +Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left +behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but +two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last +Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under +the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except +bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and +children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little; +we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face, +but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed, +we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns, +except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets +and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them +escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a +very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms +were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to +rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found +was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water, +and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops +are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my +ideas.</p> + +<p>I have only time to add that I am in great haste.</p> + +<p class="right">Yours truly, <br /> +—— ——.</p> + +<p>P.S.—If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried, +therefore I beg you will write to let me know.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCLI.—IMPROMPTU.</h4> + +<p class="center">(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall +of Sparta.")</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">So</span> great thy art, that while we viewed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We caught the Spartan fortitude,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And saw their woes without <i>a tear</i>!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCLII.—WILKES AND A LIBERTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">So</span> ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of +the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a +mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his +boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door, +"Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.</p> + +<h4>DCLIII.—A STRANGE OBJECTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A great</span> drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert. +"Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my <i>wine in +pills</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCLIV.—THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It's</span> a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant, +doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon +us!—D.J.</p> + +<h4>DCLV.—MAKING A CLEARANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the <i>bowl</i> to be +introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a +toast, "The trade of Glasgow and <i>the outward bound</i>;" the hint was +taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.</p> + +<h4>DCLVI.—A SMART ONE-POUNDER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">While</span> the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre, +in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of <i>Polly</i>, expressed a +wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher; +to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must +sing, 'The Miser thus a <i>Guinea</i> sees.'"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCLVII.—RESIGNATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he +came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command +success, We'll do more, Sempronius—we'll deserve it," heaved a deep +sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more, +Sempronius,—we'll do <i>without</i> it."</p> + +<h4>DCLVIII.—DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Delpini</span> had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the +Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre +in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his +Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre +Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre +Delpini, I must go to your <i>papa's</i> bench."</p> + +<h4>DCLIX.—A PHONETIC JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c., +having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical +acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating +him to <i>Zeidlitz</i> powders.</p> + +<h4>DCLX.—PURE FOLKS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Very</span> pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty +bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.</p> + +<h4>DCLXI.—GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the +following piece of intelligence: "<i>Yarn</i> has risen one farthing a +pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.—G. a'B.</p> + +<h4>DCLXII.—JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Westmacott</span>, of the <i>Age</i> paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well +thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice +done him, a person<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> present remarked, "That has been done <i>already</i>." A +similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.</p> + +<h4>DCLXIII.—KITCHENER AND COLMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> most celebrated wits and <i>bon vivants</i> of the day graced the +dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, <i>inter alia</i>, the late +George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a +little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to +be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be +forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom +permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at +eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's +attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, +"Come at seven, <i>go it</i> at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret +was punished accordingly.</p> + +<h4>DCLXIV.—A SPARE MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without +the head or the point."</p> + +<h4>DCLXV.—A LONG BILL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when +Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the +comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It +should have been Woodcock, <i>by the length of your bill</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCLXVI.—ROYAL PUN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit, +his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to +William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and +affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the +newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at <i>the main</i>, Admiral! +white at <i>the main</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCLXVII.—A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> silly brothers, twins, who were very much about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> town in Theodore +Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as +to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating +upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said +Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as +like as <i>two peas</i>."—"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as <i>green</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCLXVIII.—SPRANGER BARRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of +<i>Romeo</i>, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome +and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he +attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his +part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of +the public by performing <i>Romeo</i> himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the +natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have +willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been +a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when <i>Juliet</i> in +soliloquy exclaims, "<i>O Romeo, Romeo</i>, wherefore art thou <i>Romeo</i>?" an +auditor archly replied, aloud, "<i>Because Barry has gone to the other +house</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCLXIX.—BAD SPORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Hare</span>, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house +with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from +bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed +two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you <i>Fox</i> +hunting, or <i>Hare</i> hunting this morning?"</p> + +<h4>DCLXX.—MEASURE FOR MEASURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> amiable Mrs. W—— always insists that her friends who take grog +shall mix <i>equal</i> quantities of spirits and water, though she never +observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a +glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it <i>As +you like it</i>?"—"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is <i>Measure for +Measure</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCLXXI.—A PROBABILITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jonathan</span> and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they +came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state +now-a-days—an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the +idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see +<i>that</i>, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just +mentioned; "and now where would <i>you</i> be if the gallows had its +due?"—"Riding <i>alone</i>," coolly replied Paddy.</p> + +<h4>DCLXXII.—LEGAL ADULTERATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Several</span> publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to +renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one +of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any +pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately +replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into +our barrels that I know of, but the <i>exciseman's stick</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCLXXIII.—VOX ET PRÆTEREA NIHIL.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">I wonder</span> if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said a punster perusing a trial;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He's been <i>Vaux et præterea nihil</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCLXXIV.—SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A sexton</span> in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight +people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb +remarked that they must have been very <i>sharp set</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCLXXV.—AN ACT OF JUSTICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Barton</span>, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two +heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the +publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor, +are you not a justice of the peace?"—"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said +Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the <i>house of correction</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCLXXVI.—LISTON'S DREAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll <i>starve me</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCLXXVII.—A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A well-known</span> lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any +book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when +speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it +poured forth <i>volumes</i> of smoke! <i>Volumes</i>, did I say? Whole +<i>encyclopædias</i>!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two +<i>mandami</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCLXXVIII.—A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Douglas Jerrold</span>, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question +of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted +upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do +you remember my Baroness in <i>Ask no Questions</i>?" said Mr. S. "Yes, +indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck +by your <i>barrenness</i>," was the retort.</p> + +<h4>DCLXXIX.—LOVE AND HYMEN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hymen</span> comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.</p> + +<h4>DCLXXX.—PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A former</span> laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He +had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his +silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one +occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament +called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> with much +eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles, +without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked +across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy +chiel'll no <i>tell muckle</i> that you and I <i>said</i> till him."</p> + +<h4>DCLXXXI.—PLAIN LANGUAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. John Clerk</span>, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened +to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;" +upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. +Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain +<i>common sense</i>, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll +ken."</p> + +<h4>DCLXXXII.—A SETTLER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A farmer</span>, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death +with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he +put a poser—"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"—"Why that, sir," +stammered out Lamb, "will <i>depend</i> upon the boiled legs of mutton."</p> + +<h4>DCLXXXIII.—CASH PAYMENTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Peterson</span> the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he +made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, +"Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson +good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it +be as like <i>two shillings</i> as you can."</p> + +<h4>DCLXXXIV.—LAWYER'S HOUSE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is built upon the fool or madman's head.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCLXXXV.—A REASONABLE DEMAND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Colonel B——</span> was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the +playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into +it, a friend, who was stepping<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> into his chariot, called out to him, +"B——, I go by your door, and will set you down." B—— gave the +chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head, +and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you +scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"—"But consider the fright +your honor put us into," replied Pat,—"<i>consider the fright</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCLXXXVI.—EBENEZER ADAMS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six +months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with +black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great +solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So +friend, I see that thou hast not yet <i>forgiven</i> God Almighty." This +seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was +addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and +went about her necessary business and avocations.</p> + +<h4>DCLXXXVII.—ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she, +"thee must not do it."—"O, <i>by Jove!</i> but I must," said the youth. +"Well, friend, as thee hast <i>sworn</i>, thee may do it, but thee must not +make a practice of it."</p> + +<h4>DCLXXXVIII.—A FIG FOR THE GROCER!</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St. +Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, +addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at +this momentous epoch of your life."—"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I +want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to +be off!"</p> + +<h4>DCLXXXIX.—STEAM-BOAT RACING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Charles Lyell</span>, when in the United States, received the following +advice from a friend: "When<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> you are racing with an opposition +steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the +captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his +weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time, +especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the +resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid +their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons +without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why +to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat, +and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have +not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the +rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard +during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger +overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives +an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '<i>Go ahead</i>!'"</p> + +<h4>DCXC.—GENTLY, JEMMY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir James Mackintosh</span> invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The +horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate +him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let +me down, Jemmy." Once on <i>terra-firma</i>, the doctor's view of the case +was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better +of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave +you to manage him—<i>I'll walk back</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCXCI.—WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Longfellow</span>, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one +noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said +the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,—'<i>Worth</i> +makes the man, the want of it the <i>fellow</i>.'"</p> + +<h4>DCXCII.—QUIET THEFT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A saddle</span> being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that +nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a +<i>mute</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCXCIII.—GOOD ADVICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) +being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a +broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?" +After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the +owner <i>to sell</i> as soon as possible."</p> + +<h4>DCXCIV.—CRITICISING A STATUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its +verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the +smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster +Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is +colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so +<i>large</i> a man."—"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so <i>green</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCXCV.—A COMPARISON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had +been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive +evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:—</p> + +<p>"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"—"I saw a stone, and I'ze +pretty sure the defendant throwed it."</p> + +<p>"Was it a large stone?"—"I should say it wur a largish stone."</p> + +<p>"What was its size?"—"I should say a sizeable stone."</p> + +<p>"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"—"I should say it wur a +stone of some bigness."</p> + +<p>"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"—"Why, as near as I +recollect, it wur something of a stone."</p> + +<p>"Can't you compare it to some other object?"—"Why, if I wur to compare +it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large +as a lump o' chalk!"</p> + +<h4>DCXCVI.—FATIGUE DUTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> reverend gentleman in the country was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> complaining to another +that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other, +"I preach twice every Sunday, and <i>make nothing</i> of it."</p> + +<h4>DCXCVII.—GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stephen Kemble</span> (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the +Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose, +Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which +of us two do you think they will eat first?"—"Those that are +<i>gluttons</i>," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of <i>me</i>, +but the <i>epicures</i> will attack you!"</p> + +<h4>DCXCVIII.—A BAD END.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been +drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own <i>watery +bier</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCXCIX.—ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS), WHICH +SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">This</span> name's the best that could be given,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As will by proof be quickly seen;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She was, of course, the <i>raining Queen</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCC.—ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive +picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear +friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do +not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase +at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this +matter is evident—they never considered the temper of the people they +had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an +avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young +rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I +pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> therefore my +administration has been attended with a different effect."</p> + +<p>"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty +of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one +night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand, +and <i>up starts</i> a patriot."</p> + +<h4>DCCI.—BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was +so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so +much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to +get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and +for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and +accost him with "Have you read my book?"—"Yes, —— you!" replied Lord +Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not <i>help myself</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCII.—VERY LIKE A WHALE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> first of all the royal infant males<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Should take the title of the Prince of <i>Wales</i>;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Babies and <i>whales</i> are both inclined to <i>blubber</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCIII.—A NEW SIGN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A drunken</span> fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign +was. He answered, that it was <i>a sign</i> he was drunk.</p> + +<h4>DCCIV.—FALSE QUANTITIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the +outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.</p> + +<h4>DCCV.—NOT TRUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. +——, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well," +replied the lady, "if he is very much <i>unlike</i> other men, he is more +likely to make a good husband."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCVI.—BETTING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> folly of <i>betting</i> is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters: +"Sept. 1st, 1750,—They have put in the papers a good story made at +White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the +club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they +were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said +it would affect the fairness of the bet."</p> + +<h4>DCCVII.—FIRE AND WATER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Paddy</span> being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own +part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of +attempting to light a cigar at <i>a pump</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCVIII.—THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Though</span> a railroad, learned Rector,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Passes near your parish spire;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture<br /></span> +<span class="i2">E'er will overwhelmed expire.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Put not then your hopes in weepers,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Solid work my road secures;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Preach whate'er you will—<i>my</i> sleepers<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Never will awaken <i>yours</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the +<i>last ever written</i> by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented +author,—James Smith.</p> + +<h4>DCCIX.—THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Coleridge</span> once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an +admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus +impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a +philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the +dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener +no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed, +"<i>Them's the jockeys for me</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCX.—EQUALITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A highwayman</span> and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same +time at Tyburn,—the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for +a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the +highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I <i>won't</i> keep +off; I have as much <i>right</i> to be here as you!"</p> + +<h4>DCCXI.—A CANDID COUNSEL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned, +replied, "I am <i>concerned</i> for the plaintiff, but I'm <i>retained</i> by the +defendant."</p> + +<h4>DCCXII.—TRADE AGAINST LAND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke +of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would +spend £50,000 rather than he should <i>come in</i>. Whitbread, with true +English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would +pay for that.</p> + +<h4>DCCXIII.—TRUE EVIDENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Jew</span> called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the +opposing counsel thus examined him: "What is your +name?"—"Jacob."—"What are you?"—"General dealer."—"Do you keep a +shop?"—"No."—"How then do you dispose of your goods?"—"To the <i>best +advantage</i>, my good fellow."</p> + +<h4>DCCXIV.—DR. YOUNG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Young</span> was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two +ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to +acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go, +one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him +to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> vain, he bowed, laid +his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like him I go, for angels drove us both.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCXV.—A YANKEE YARN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Dickens</span> tells an American story of a young lady, who, being +intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and +marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the +five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, +she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately +jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, +she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so +wet?"—"Take the <i>dry one</i>." And the young lady did, and married him.</p> + +<h4>DCCXVI.—SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their +ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they +could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who +heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly +hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they +were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been +laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom +he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received +for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld +sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld +sermon, for the minister had preached it no' <i>sax months</i> syne."</p> + +<h4>DCCXVII.—LOVE OF THE SEA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Love</span> the sea? I dote upon it,—from the beach.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>—D.J.</p> + +<h4>DCCXVIII.—UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A pompous</span> parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a +chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you +know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are +better fed than taught, I think, sir."—"Whew, may be it is so, measter, +for you <i>teaches</i> me, but I <i>feeds</i> myself."</p> + +<h4>DCCXIX.—COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest +in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family +plate,—<i>the fetters and handcuffs</i>!</p> + +<h4>DCCXX.—A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the +price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the +toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to +jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be +<i>capped</i>? Are they not <i>fellows</i>?"</p> + +<h4>DCCXXI.—A MEDICAL OPINION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the +disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of +physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was +necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation, +which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son. +"O, father, father, do not let them <i>tap</i> you," screamed the boy, in an +agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"—"Why, my +dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall +live long in health to make you happy."—"No, father, no, you will not: +there never was anything <i>tapped</i> in our house that lasted longer than a +week."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXII.—THE CAUSE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Lisette</span> has lost her wanton wiles—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">What secret care consumes her youth,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> +<span class="i0">And circumscribes her smiles?<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>A speck on a front tooth.</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCXXIII.—WHAT'S GOING ON?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met +his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what +is going on to-day?"</p> + +<p>Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"</p> + +<h4>DCCXXIV.—SNORING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he +received the following polite note: "Deacon —— is requested not to +commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in +the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the <i>text</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXV.—TWO MAKE A PAIR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III., +the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse: +"Here is to be seen the <i>fork</i> belonging to the <i>knife</i> with which +Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXVI.—ALMANAC-MAKERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a +witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an <i>almanac-maker</i>; for +thou liest every day and all the year long."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXVII.—A BLACK JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of +colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men +with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"—"<i>Black as ever</i>," was the reply.</p> + +<h4>DCCXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">He</span> that will never look upon an ass,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>DCCXXIX.—EXAGGERATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can +discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."—"I don't +see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it <i>running</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXX.—WINNING A LOSS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A swell</span> clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn +full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money, +made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in +the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat +the company."—"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a +sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the +swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and <i>treat</i> the +company."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXXI.—ADVICE GRATIS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant +Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of <i>law</i> than of +<i>fact</i>, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not +quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, <i>for nothing</i>, what you +would not give him under <i>two guineas</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXXII.—SHORT COMMONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: +"Wanted, <i>two</i> apprentices, who will be treated as <i>one</i> of the family."</p> + +<h4>CCXXXIII.—LICENSED TO KILL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick, +Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him +for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every +day, and why may not I?"—"Because," replied the satirist, "<i>you are not +qualified to kill game, and I am</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CXXXIV.—WILKES AND LIBERTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him +thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his +abuse of the Royal family among you?"—"I do not at present know," +replied he, dryly, "but I <i>am trying</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXXV.—A PAT REPLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord J. Russell</span> endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the +permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord +Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his +talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said +Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the <i>Rolls</i>, I care nothing for your +<i>butter</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCXXXVI.—LORD NORTH ASLEEP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">His</span> Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues +of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything +remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker +entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark, +he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to +build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering +premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived. +Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir +Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a <i>century or two</i> more?"</p> + +<h4>DCCXXXVII.—RATHER SAUCY.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed +gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.</p> + +<p>"I asked for what I thought you had <i>the most</i> of," was the cutting +reply.</p> + +<h4>DCCXXXVIII.—LONG STORY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A loquacious</span> lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied +to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> begun to describe its progress +from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into +the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how +long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty +minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to +<i>finish</i> by the time he <i>returned</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCCXXXIX.—EUCLID REFUTED.</h4> + +<p class="center">(A part is not equal to the whole.—Axiom.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">This</span> is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis plain <i>one sixteenth part</i> of Brougham's sense,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Equals the <i>whole</i> possessed by L—d—d—y.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCXL.—BRED ON THE BOARDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, +had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of +strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's +V——, he was bred on these boards!"—"He looks as though he'd been cut +out of them," replied Jerrold.</p> + +<h4>DCCXLI.—ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">No</span> wonder the debate fell dead<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Neath such a constant fire of lead.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCXLII.—PAINTING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> who was a great amateur painter showed one of his +performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you +want nothing but <i>poverty</i> to become a very excellent painter."</p> + +<h4>DCCXLIII.—OLD AGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then +intervals of gayety: some person observed, "<i>he resembles an old castle +which is sometimes visited by spirits</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCXLIV.—AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Would</span> you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to +study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."—"His <i>memory</i> is evidently +not so good as yours," replied B.</p> + +<h4>DCCXLV.—A READY RECKONER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was +accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he +declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank +off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when +demand of payment was made for the whiskey.</p> + +<p>"Sure, and haven't I <i>given</i> ye the loaf for the whiskey?"</p> + +<p>"Well, but you did not <i>pay</i> for the loaf, you know."</p> + +<p>"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I <i>didn't take</i> the loaf, man +alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a +brown study.</p> + +<h4>DCCXLVI.—A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Hawkins</span>, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had +frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, +and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, <i>Brough-am</i>.</p> + +<p>"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the +carriage a <i>Bro'am</i>, it will save the time of the court," said Lord +Campbell, with a smile.</p> + +<p>Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word +during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum +up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the +Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its +orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very +respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for +such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss—" The loud laughter which ensued, +and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the +sentence.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCXLVII.—TRUE POLITENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir W.G.</span>, when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro +who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to +salute a slave?"—"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a +man of his condition to <i>exceed</i> me in <i>good manners</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCXLVIII.—A RAKE'S ECONOMY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">With</span> cards and dice, and dress and friends,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My savings are complete;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I light the candle at both ends,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And thus make both ends meet.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCXLIX.—EASILY SATISFIED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A cowardly</span> fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a +violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in <i>earnest</i>. +"Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned +away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such <i>jests</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCL.—PERT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Macklin</span> was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the +former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very +merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin. +"No, sir," said Foote, "pray, <i>do you</i>?"</p> + +<h4>DCCLI.—A ROYAL MUFF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William +IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on +the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a +butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.—'Nice +pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.—'Pretty fair,' was my +reply.—'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to +Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's +boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> with +a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a <i>muff</i>!'"</p> + +<h4>DCCLII.—A BROAD HINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion—the case +being outrageously preposterous—replied, in answer to the question, +"Would an action lie?"—"Yes, if the witnesses would <i>lie</i> too, but not +otherwise."</p> + +<h4>DCCLIII.—A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he +is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste, +eh?"</p> + +<p>"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"</p> + +<h4>DCCLIV.—"THE LAST WAR."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Pitt</span>, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which +preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it +"the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He +took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was +interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,—the last war but +one."—"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising +his sonorous voice,—"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish +<i>to remember</i>." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an +universal cheering, long and loud.</p> + +<h4>DCCLV.—THE PHILANTHROPIST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was +called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself +so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to +get rid of the reputation."</p> + +<h4>DCCLVI.—TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">English</span> tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles +constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal +to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the +barbarous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said +a native, "but if the quality of it be rather <i>infairior</i>, we give <i>good +measure</i> of it, anyhow."</p> + +<h4>DCCLVII—BAD COMPANY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time that the bubble schemes were <i>flourishing</i>, in 1825, Mr. +Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of +those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to +partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be +defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he, +"you will have nothing but <i>bubble and squeak</i> in a short time."</p> + +<h4>DCCLVIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On the King's double dealing.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Of</span> such a paradox as this,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Before I never dreamt;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The King of England has become,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A <i>subject</i> of contempt!!!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCLIX.—PAINTING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the +lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that +painting I think myself <i>deaf</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCLX.—NIL NISI, ETC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it +very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house, +"don't you like the beer?"—"It is not to be found fault with," answered +the other; "for one should never speak ill of the <i>dead</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXI.—ODD FORESIGHT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lady Margaret Herbert</span> asked somebody for a <i>pretty</i> pattern for a +nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a +nightcap?"—"O! child," said she, "you know, in <i>case of fire</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCLXII.—"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been +known to shed a tear except when <i>Macheath</i>, in the "Beggar's Opera," +got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung +beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."—"If you try it, my lord," +replied Curran, "it's sure <i>to be hung</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXIII.—GENERAL WOLFE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">General Wolfe</span> invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he +was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he +to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed, +he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said +<i>General</i> Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude, +"we never say <i>General</i> Alexander, or <i>General</i> Cæsar." Wolfe, who was +within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the +pleasure he felt at the high compliment.</p> + +<h4>DCCLXIV.—A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As a bridge it can only be tried by <i>its piers</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCLXV.—A NOISE FOR NOTHING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining +with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the +fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as +caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the +accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the +plates?"—"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"—"Not one!" exclaimed +Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise <i>for +nothing</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCLXVI.—SHORT MEASURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag +wrote underneath, "<i>Two-thirds</i> of the truth."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXVII.—DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span> once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very +drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your <i>wine-cellar</i> into your +<i>book-seller</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXVIII.—A DILEMMA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Whilst</span> a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners +sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now, +beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly, +those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too +loud, I shall <i>wake</i> the chief man in the parish."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXIX.—HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A brow</span> austere, a circumspective eye,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A frequent shrug of the <i>os humeri</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A nod significant, a stately gait,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then rest assured that those of little sense<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Will deem you, sure, <i>a man of consequence</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCLXX.—A CHEAP WATCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to +him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The +watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing +than its original cost."—"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will +even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on +the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you <i>two</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXI.—SCOTCH WUT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A laird</span> riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> a hole in it, +and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."—"Did ye," said John; +"wull ye haud my horse, sir?"—"Certainly," said the laird, and away +rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back, +nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna +find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad +ha' wondered if ye had, for it's <i>ten years</i> sin' I saw him gang in +there."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXII.—ATTENDING TO A WISH.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I wish</span> you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage +manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying <i>as little</i> as I +can!" was the calm reply.</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXIII.—A MECHANICAL SURGEON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A valiant</span> sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was +nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a +ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off +his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately +called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no +surgeon,—<i>a carpenter! a carpenter</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXIV.—CANINE POETRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A pretty</span> little dog had written on its collar the following distich:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"This collar don't belong to you, sir,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Pass on—or you may have one too, sir."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon +whose collar was inscribed:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCLXXV.—FOOTIANA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to +the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at +<i>Cork</i>. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many <i>drawings</i> of +it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCLXXVI.—NIGHT AND MORNING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a +very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family +were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over +in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat +anything during <i>the night</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXVII.—FULL INSIDE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span>, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his +seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in +and politely asked, "All full inside?"—"I don't know how it may be, +sir, with the <i>other</i> passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece +of oyster-pie did the business for <i>me</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXVIII.—A SHORT JOURNEY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to +the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a +mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, +exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this +before; what shall we do?"—"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't +expect to <i>go out</i> of this town."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXIX.—A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a +horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who, +as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there +(while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of +remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again <i>address me</i>, Sir W——, I +shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him, +and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly +too.</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXX.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Cries</span> Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"What reason can be given,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Since marriage is a holy thing,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That there are none in Heaven?"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"There are no women," he replied.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She quick returns the jest,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Women there are, but I'm afraid<br /></span> +<span class="i2">They cannot find a priest."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCLXXXI.—AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who +accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to +throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of <i>hostility</i> to +the Church Establishment?"</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXXII.—VALUE OF APPLAUSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, +as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us +<i>breath</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXXIII.—LITTLE TO GIVE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A stingy</span> husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in +company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own +way."—"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's <i>all</i> I have to +<i>give them</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXXIV.—A GOOD SWIMMER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A foolish</span> scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at +swimming, vowed that he would never <i>enter</i> the water again until he was +a complete master of the art.</p> + +<p>[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXXV.—NO PRIDE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A denizen</span> of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being +elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at +last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office +were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited +outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was +unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the +armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his +friends, lifting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, <i>supposing</i> +I'm a deacon, mind, I can be <i>spoken</i> to at ony time."</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXXVI.—LORD CLONMEL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a +shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a +<i>good one</i>. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he +used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon +by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as +shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. <i>Is +this a good shilling?</i> Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this +your name and handwriting?"</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXXVII.—QUEER PARTNERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span>, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a +young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live! +there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXXVIII.—CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles the Second</span> once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be +corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all +turned thieves."—"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."—"Mivert!" +exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."—"Therefore <i>he +cannot be corrupted</i>, your majesty," answered Sidney.</p> + +<h4>DCCLXXXIX.—EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">St. Paul</span> has declared that, when persons, though twain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>DCCXC.—GOOD AUTHORITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Horne Tooke</span>, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a +partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr. +Tooke, you will have all the <i>blackguards</i> with you to-day."—"I am +delighted to hear it, sir, and from such <i>good</i> authority."</p> + +<h4>DCCXCI.—LUXURIOUS SMOKING.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young +Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted +pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked +it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the +proper <i>taste</i> restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of +its wants.'"</p> + +<h4>DCCXCII.—NO JUDGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a +particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to +reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere +<i>toss-up</i>." "But <i>heads</i> seldom win," observed a learned barrister, +sitting behind him.</p> + +<h4>DCCXCIII.—RELATIONS OF MANKIND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">By</span> what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected +together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support +by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a +shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.—S.S.</p> + +<h4>DCCXCIV.—VERY TRUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Serjeant Maynard</span>, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law +an "<i>ars bablativa</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCXCV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> Whigs, because they rat and change<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To Toryism, all must spurn;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCXCVI.—DRINKING ALONE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his +arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have +apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle <i>does</i> come round +<i>so</i> often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being +asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without +assistance?" answered, "No—not quite that—I had the <i>assistance</i> of a +bottle of Madeira."</p> + +<h4>DCCXCVII.—A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Rev. Mr. B——, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was +reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very +often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally +employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the <i>spoils</i> into the +<i>sound-holes</i> of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a +quantity of gunpowder into B——'s instrument. The tea equipage being +removed, music became the order of the evening, and B—— dashed away at +Vanhall's 47th. B—— came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed, +and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place—<i>fit fragor</i>, and +bang went the fiddle to pieces.</p> + +<h4>DCCXCVIII.—READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying +down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on +the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:—</p> + +<p>"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads +together, and there is the wood pavement."</p> + +<p>This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.</p> + +<h4>DCCXCIX.—PROPER DISTINCTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain +D.D., then master of the college adjoining.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> He had not been there many +minutes, when Dr. —— entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in +no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which +the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient +haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he +was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ——. "That," +replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. —— is a +<i>gentleman</i>, and you are a <i>blackguard</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCC.—GRACEFUL EXCUSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">William IV.</span> seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with +several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that +marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a +colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our +branch of the service?"—"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden +thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has <i>done its duty</i> once, and +is ready to do it again."</p> + +<h4>DCCCI.—SLACK PAYMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Examining</span> a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, +"Did he not give you the coals, friend?"—"He did, sir, but—"—"But +what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment <i>slack</i>?"</p> + +<h4>DCCCII.—WAY OF USING BOOKS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sterne</span> used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to +serve them as some people do lords, learn their <i>titles</i> and then <i>brag</i> +of their acquaintance."</p> + +<h4>DCCCIII.—PATRICK HENRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the +American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp +Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, +when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Cæsar had his +Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> III...."—"Treason!" cried +the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It +was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry +faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and +fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "<i>may profit +by their example</i>. If this be treason, make the most of it."</p> + +<h4>DCCCIV.—ROGERS—POET AND SKIPPER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Rogers</span> used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new +publications must often do as the flea does—<i>skip</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCCCV.—OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">If</span> an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the +English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just +to celebrate the event."</p> + +<h4>DCCCVI.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> by a jury one is tried,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Twelve of <i>his equals</i> are implied;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then W—— might attempt in vain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This sacred privilege to obtain.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Since human nature ne'er on earth<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Gave to <i>twelve equal</i> scoundrels birth.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCVII.—REFORMATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Judge Burnet</span>, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said +to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the +Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said +he, "what are you ruminating on?"—"A greater work than your lordship's +History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said +the Bishop. "The <i>reformation of myself</i>, my lord," answered the son.</p> + +<h4>DCCCVIII.—THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chesterfield</span> placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old +heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is +admirable.</p> + +<p>Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not +being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father +had been a footman: <i>Here lies the last who died before the first of his +family!</i> Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore, +who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur, +I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"</p> + +<p>The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander +the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once +formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the +clan must have come!</p> + +<h4>DCCCIX.—EQUAL TO NOTHING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had +little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're <i>equal to +it</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCCX.—FAMILIARITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A waiter</span> named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late +Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as +follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to +the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after +noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said, +"Sam, this may be very well between <i>you and me</i>, but it will not do +with the Norfolks and Arundels."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXI.—EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages +against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a +compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle +the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the +learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear. +"I thank his lordship<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's +no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little <i>warm ale</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCCXII.—MAC READY TO CALL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his +staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of +the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house <i>Almack's</i>, "For," +said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call <i>Mac</i>, you +will have a head popped out of every window."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Of</span> miracles this is <i>sans doute</i> the most rare,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A man with abundance of <i>scents</i> in his <i>hair</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Without the least atom of <i>sense</i> in his <i>head</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCXIV.—LOOK-A-HEAD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Tory</span> member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the +hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing +elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the +<i>state of the poll</i>.</p> + +<p class="right">G. A'B.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXV.—THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a +prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXVI.—SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Tom Moore</span>, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, +inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it +was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was +delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a +personage."—"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"—"Yes: +she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in <i>your</i> +celebrated '<i>Almanac</i>' for the last five or six years!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCCXVII.—BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Foote</span>, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune +nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between +them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."—Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXVIII.—MAN-TRAPS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit +upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning +of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every +day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length +and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in +very large letters, the following: "<i>Tondapamubomenos set up in these +grounds</i>." It was perfectly a "patent safety."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXIX.—A COLORABLE EXCUSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I +can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you <i>uncover</i> your face."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXX.—CONSISTENCY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">No</span> wonder Tory landlords flout<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Must go against the grain.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCXXI.—A WONDERFUL CURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor Hill</span>, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having +quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to +admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that +Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of +tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be +from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he +had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "<i>broke</i> his leg, and applied to me +for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> +the celebrated <i>tar-water</i>. Almost immediately the sailor felt the +beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg +was completely <i>healed</i>!" The letter was read, and discussed at the +meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of +opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the +restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country +practitioner:—"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of +the sailor was a <i>wooden leg</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXII.—AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Is</span> there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person +who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know +what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very +well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to <i>take away all +that</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXIII.—CHOICE SPIRITS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish +papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale <i>which +was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXIV.—AN EXPLANATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Young</span>, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of +Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through +which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field +was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said +Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field <i>to bury</i> strangers +in."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXV.—IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Erskine</span> having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and +Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail, +Sheridan at once presented her these lines,—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> +<span class="i0">And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And should dirt its original purity hide,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCXXVI.—LAW AND PHYSIC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A learned</span> judge being asked the difference between law and equity +courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you +are not so easily disposed of. One is <i>prussic acid</i>, and the other +<i>laudanum</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXVII.—IMPROMPTU.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor</span> (afterwards Chief Justice) <span class="smcap">Bushe</span>, being on one occasion asked +which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The +<i>prompter</i>, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least <i>of him</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXVIII.—NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Were</span> I but a <i>king</i>," said a country boy, "I would <i>eat</i> my fill of fat +bacon, and <i>swing</i> upon a gate all day long."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXIX.—A FORGETFUL MAN.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No wonder that he don't remember <i>me</i>;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Why so? you see he has forgot <i>himself</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCXXX.—REPUTATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Reputation</span> is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXXI.—AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss +Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't <i>master</i> her, so he <i>missed</i> +her."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCCXXXII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> jolly members of a toping club<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And in a close confederacy link<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For nothing else, but only to hold drink.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCXXXIII.—A BAD LOT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased, +was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another +that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, +considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was +the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few <i>causes</i>, and therefore +could not have many <i>effects</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXXIV.—FILIAL AFFECTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the +pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the +door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call <i>her a thief</i> before she +calls you one."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXXV.—LEG WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was +stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up, +Erskine?"—"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"—"<i>His legs</i>," +answered the wit.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">This</span> morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Although he was hearty last night;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The poor fellow died of affright."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCXXXVII.—A SINECURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a +place of all work; and his friends, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> called to congratulate him, +were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of +the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a +<i>sinecure</i> is: it's a place where there's <i>nothing to do</i>, and they <i>pay +you by the piece</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXXVIII.—A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Brother David Dewar</span> was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never +hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be +to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called +upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates +of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the +Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he +had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his +assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to +the man, for I understand he preached <i>a kirk toom</i> (empty) already, and +if he be as successful <i>in the jail</i>, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as +weel."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXXXIX.—WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, +and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, +"Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"—"Sir," replied the +prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some +beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will +he <i>return</i> do you think?"—"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly +satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."—"<i>Then let business +proceed</i>," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXL.—KNOWING BEST.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I wish</span>, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were +St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me +in."—"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better +for you that I had the keys of the <i>other</i> place, for then I could let +<i>you out</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCCXLI.—AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy +what was meant in the Catechism by <i>succoring</i> his father and mother. +"<i>Giving on 'em milk</i>," was the prompt reply.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXLII.—PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was +summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from +the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost +<i>nonchalance</i> he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly +observed, "that it was the <i>dirtiest</i> house he had ever been in in his +life."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXLIII.—A STOP WATCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with +great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of +a friend who had <i>introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every +Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXLIV.—SIR ANTHONY MALONE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Mansfield</span> used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his +fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some +years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his +profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no +person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that +had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied +to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no +less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention +of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself, +that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive +examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which +he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year. +Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> +purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his +principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript +was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with +it, which was regularly <i>charged to him by the clerk</i>. Sir Anthony then +went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and +never after that was possessed of a bad title.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXLV.—THE ORATORS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is there a day that asses do not speak?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCXLVI.—MODERN ACTING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky +voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,</p> + +<p><i>Jerrold.</i>—"Cardinal Wolsey!—Linsey Wolsey!"</p> + +<h4>DCCCXLVII.—FEW FRIENDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span>, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at +Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom +he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going +round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's +hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck <i>one</i> tin-penny out of your +coach, and I'll answer it will trait <i>all your friends</i> in Athlone."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXLVIII.—DIFFIDENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he +was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have <i>heard +the evidence</i>?"</p> + +<h4>DCCCXLIX.—"ESSAY ON MAN."</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">At</span> ten, a child; at twenty, wild;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">At thirty, tame, if ever;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">At sixty, good, or never!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCL.—IN-DOOR RELIEF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A melting</span> sermon being preached in a country church,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> all fell a-weeping +but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O +no, I belong to <i>another</i> parish."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLI.—HIGHLAND POLITENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Walter Scott</span> had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two +proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met +the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed +between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch." +To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLII.—AN ODD QUESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Counselor Rudd</span>, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of +whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to +him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where <i>you buy</i> +all your <i>dirty</i> shirts."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLIII.—NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B——, when, the weather +being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in +the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his +chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B—— pressed him to stay. "No, +no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me <i>have a +leg to stand on</i>; for there is so <i>little wood</i> in your house, that I am +afraid one of your servants may light the fire with <i>my right leg</i>," +which was his wooden one.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLIV.—NATURAL GRIEF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so +much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed +tears."—"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without <i>paying</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLV.—A PROVERB REVERSED.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Example</span> is better than precept they say,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> +<span class="i0">For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCLVI.—A CLOSE ESCAPE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The +Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course +of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious +circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war, +along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were +summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the +conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death, +as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his +regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots, +without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then +bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put +into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed, +"I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in +my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And +what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"—"Why, I remember +saying to him, when they left us, '<i>D—— it, old fellow, never mind</i>!'" +But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from +the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose, +and the Captain was permitted to escape.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLVII.—A HARD HIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Major B——</span>, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I +have <i>lost</i> an eye."—"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray <i>at what +game</i>?"</p> + +<h4>DCCCLVIII.—THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he +saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you +mention his spit?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing <i>turns upon +that</i>." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was +Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and <i>Passion</i> week in the +parlor."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLIX.—MONEY'S WORTH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span>, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by +writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it +to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the +bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the +author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to <i>sell my life as dearly +as possible</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLX.—HIS WAY—OUT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Richard Jebb</span>, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in +his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely +rude, "Sir, <i>it is my way</i>."—"Then," returned his indignant patient, +pointing to the door, "I beg you will <i>make that your way</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXI.—A GROWL.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">He</span> that's married once may be<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Pardoned his infirmity.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He that marries twice is mad:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But, if you can find a fool<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Flog him, flog him back to school.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCLXII.—A MODERN SCULPTOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Brown</span> and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that +chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of +him,—he's a sculptor."—"Such a fellow as that a <i>sculptor</i>! surely you +must be mistaken."—"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know +that he <i>chiselled</i> a tailor—out of a suit of clothes last week."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXIII.—A DIFFICULT TASK.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> have only yourself to please," said a married<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> friend to an old +bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a <i>difficult</i> +task I find it."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXIV.—THE GOUTY SHOE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">James Smith</span> used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general +conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library +at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the +pleasure-grounds:—</p> + +<p>"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they +are all out now."</p> + +<p>"Well, and what then?"</p> + +<p>"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have +really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off +being shown over the improvements."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXV.—A LUSUS NATURÆ.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls +under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of +butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid, +"save the insinuation that some girls are <i>over</i> twenty-one years of +age."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXVI.—A CASE OF NECESSITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A shopkeeper</span>, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling +off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you +selling off?"—"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't +they?"—"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"—"To be sure; would you +have me <i>keep open</i> on Sunday!"</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXVII.—SPECIES AND SPECIE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the +assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for +their generosity, and the love of their <i>species</i>. The collection +happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had +evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have +been, that they were distinguished for the love of their <i>specie</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCCLXVIII.—DR. JOHNSON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he +told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that +he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an +equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than +himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had +fifty who <i>deserved hanging</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXIX.—THE POET FOILED.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> win the maid the poet tries,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She likes a <i>verse</i>, but, cruel whim,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She still appears <i>a-verse</i> to him.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCLXX.—A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his +"trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his +money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the +attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much +self-complacency,—"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how +you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his +serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "<i>The lawyers +got that</i>!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The +counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXI.—VICE VERSA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt. +This cannot be; for instead of <i>contracting</i> it at all, bad Ministers +have most materially extended it.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXII.—NOTHING PERSONAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was +considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them +a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M——, who was more +celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny +lasses!"—"With<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M——, "for it +neither <i>applies</i> to you nor me."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXIII.—A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Moore</span>, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this +manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one <i>more</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXIV.—A MISTAKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old</span> Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. +"Some puny things," he said, "have died of <i>learning</i> to drink, but no +man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he +spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years +treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXV.—AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not +satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why, +sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our +ain righteousness."—"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated +the astonished doctor, "I never <i>saw any ye had to renounce</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXVI.—THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young +partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,—</p> + +<p>"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that +very elderly lady!"</p> + +<p>"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXVII.—A PROUD HEART.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mathews</span>, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in +private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of +tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of +which he represented<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> an old collier, looking for some of the +implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with +the new coal-sacks?"—"Made <i>pillows</i> on 'em," replied the son. +"Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take +th' <i>ould</i> ones?"</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXVIII.—SENT HOME FREE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX," +concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four +glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent <i>home +gratis</i> in a wheelbarrow, if required."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXIX.—CHARLES II. AND MILTON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles II.</span> and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, +and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your +blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."—"If +Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with +<i>blindness</i>, what must have been the crimes of your father which it +punished with <i>death</i>!"</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXX.—WHOSE?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon +an empty stomach."—"<i>Upon whose</i>?" said he.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXI.—"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of +Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple +of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of +<i>capping</i>. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men +begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were <i>freshmen</i>, and did +not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship. +"Only <i>eight</i> days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop, +"<i>puppies</i> never see till they are <i>nine</i> days old."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On Lord W——'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">The</span> independence of the Lords is gone,"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Says W——, to truth for once inclined;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And to believe his lordship I am prone,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Seeing that he himself is left behind.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXIII.—CONFIDENCE—TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a +successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. +"I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my +pieces."—"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "<i>you</i> are always certain of +success. Your pieces have all been tried before."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXIV.—BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A well-known</span> borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and +requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am +surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know +you."—"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for +<i>those who do</i>, will not lend me a farthing."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXV.—WILL AND THE WAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the +senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the +best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man +who <i>makes his own will</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXVI.—A REASONABLE EXCUSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to +return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend, +"your acquaintances find it is much more easy to <i>retain</i> the books +themselves, than what is <i>contained</i> in them."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXVII.—BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's +workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On +discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg +pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the +honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly +replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this +Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were <i>I</i> Duke of Northumberland, +perhaps I could be."</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXVIII.—SUMMARY DECISION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Brougham</span>, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice +Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a +dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not +been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded +that the dogs should fight."—"Then I," replied the Judge, "<i>am minded</i> +to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.</p> + +<h4>DCCCLXXXIX.—A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">To</span> all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular +form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to +me, and beg to <i>subscribe</i>" (here the reader had to turn over leaf) +"Myself, <i>your very obedient servant</i>," etc.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXC.—HABEAS CORPUS ACT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Burnet</span> relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of +that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says +he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris +were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive +to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted +him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed +it, he went on with this misreckoning of <i>ten</i>; so it was reported to +the House,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> and declared that they who were for the bill were the +majority, and by this means the bill passed."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXCI.—A RUNAWAY KNOCK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Douglas Jerrold</span> describing a very dangerous illness from which he had +just recovered, said—"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, +I can assure you."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXCII.—COMMON POLITENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and +wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was +answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was +the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he <i>left his name</i> at +my door in the morning."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXCIII.—THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jekyll</span> saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah! +poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the <i>Home Circuit</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXCIV.—A SOPORIFIC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A spendthrift</span> being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought +nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular +use he could have for a single pillow?"—"Why," said Foote, "I do not +sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good +nap, when the proprietor of it (though he <i>owed so much</i>) could sleep +upon it."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXCV.—CHARITABLE WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Wit</span> in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman +soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody +expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he +is sorry for her; I am truly sorry—I am sorry five pounds. How much art +thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may +be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he <i>felt</i> +very much, indeed,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy +pocket?" inquired the "Friend."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXCVI.—USE IS SECOND NATURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A tailor</span> that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his +customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole +half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he, +"it is to <i>keep</i> my hands in use, lest at any time I should <i>forget +it</i>."</p> + +<h4>DCCCXCVII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Haste</span> son of Celsus, P—rc—v—l is ill;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dissect an ass before you try your skill.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>DCCCXCVIII.—LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Use</span> brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally +to <i>clinch the roots</i>.</p> + +<h4>DCCCXCIX.—AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his +portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?" +inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist <i>not</i> to make it <i>like you</i>, +so they won't know it."</p> + +<h4>CM.—THE REBEL LORDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp +visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to +turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"</p> + +<p>Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and +asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off? +"Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made +amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."</p> + +<p>Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but <i>à la tête +tranchée</i>." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop +his handkerchief for the signal.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMI.—A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">How</span> are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.</p> + +<p>"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you," +replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever <i>else</i> you will, <i>you</i> will be a +gainer by the bargain."</p> + +<h4>CMII.—THE DIRECT ROAD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Walking</span> to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young +gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the +way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "<i>Keep on +as you are</i>, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to <i>overtake +them</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMIII.—A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,—a jovial +spendthrift.</p> + +<p>"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do +you think of my grays?"</p> + +<p>"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your +duns!"</p> + +<h4>CMIV.—DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very +elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she +is a prodigiously fine woman."—"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't +you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by +art?"—"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage <i>art</i> does not adorn her: +<i>nature adorns</i> her there, and <i>art glorifies</i> her."</p> + +<h4>CMV.—A GOOD NEIGHBOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen +bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he +ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather," +said he, "have <i>friends</i> than hares."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMVI.—AN EQUIVOCATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A diminutive</span> attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you +have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"—"No, +sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a +pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were <i>little Else</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMVII.—A WISE FOOL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety +of opinions were entertained,—some people thinking him not so foolish +as he seemed,—knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, +and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the <i>wee</i> ane," he says, giving +as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller, +laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and +some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller +has <i>aye a gey fat sou</i>."—"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller. +"Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's <i>expense</i> she's fed."</p> + +<h4>CMVIII.—ON A BALD HEAD.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">My</span> hair and I are quit, d'ye see;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I first cut <i>him</i>, he now cuts <i>me</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMIX.—LIE FOR LIE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one +said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back, +and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much +of you."—"So you may, madam," said he, "and <i>lie</i> as I <i>did</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMX.—A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">General Lee</span> one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a +handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a +glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in +creation."—"Why, general?"—"Because," replied Lee, "you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> are in love +with <i>yourself</i>, and you have not a <i>rival</i> upon earth."</p> + +<h4>CMXI.—ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Your</span> comedy I've read, my friend,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And like the <i>half</i> you've pilfered best;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But, sure, the Drama you might mend;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Take courage, man, and <i>steal the rest</i>!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXII.—GARRICK AND FOOTE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the +comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green +Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all, +you are glad to take up with one of <i>my</i> farces."—"Why, yes, David," +rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator +for this hot weather."</p> + +<h4>CMXIII.—NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing +Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said +the wit; "a joke in <i>your</i> mouth is no laughing matter!"</p> + +<h4>CMXIV.—QUITE AGROUND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is said that poor H—— T—— has been living on his wits. He +certainly must be content with very <i>limited premises</i>.</p> + +<h4>CMXV.—A JUDGE IN A FOG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the +construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the +testator meant to keep a <i>life-interest</i> in the estate to +himself."—"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case +I rather think your lordship <i>takes the will for the deed</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXVI.—THE LETTER H.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple +aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> the former; adding that, +if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, +by making him <i>ill</i> (<i>Hill</i> without <i>H</i>) all the days of his life.</p> + +<h4>CMXVII.—ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the +country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. +Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on +account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him +sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared +up."—"Just a <i>little</i>, ma'am—enough for one, but not enough for two."</p> + +<h4>CMXVIII.—"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran's</span> ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician +observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, +he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been <i>practising</i> all +night."</p> + +<h4>CMXIX.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B——, M.P.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> it's true a newly made M.P.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As the said landlord certainly alleges,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No more will Radicals and Whigs divide<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Upon one point, which thus we may decide,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Some members are too much disposed for pledges."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXX.—CUP AND SAUCER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and +remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of +conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in +question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so," +said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state +of his saucers."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMXXI.—A NEW READING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Kemble</span> playing <i>Hamlet</i> in the country, the gentleman who acted +<i>Guildenstern</i> was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. +<i>Hamlet</i> asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"—"My lord, I +cannot."—"I pray you."—"Believe me, I cannot."—"I do beseech +you."—"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I +can"; and to the confusion of <i>Hamlet</i>, and the great amusement of the +audience, he played "God save the king!"</p> + +<h4>CMXXII.—CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Several</span> ex-members are announced as about <i>to stand</i> at the ensuing +elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, +for there are very few who can reasonably expect to <i>sit</i>.—G. A'B.</p> + +<h4>CMXXIII.—STRANGE VESPERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a +living?"—"No."—"How does he employ himself?"—"He says mass in the +morning."—"And in the evening?"—"In the evening he <i>don't know what</i> +he says."</p> + +<h4>CMXXIV.—A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir B—— R——</span>, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, +made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it +would change the <i>barren hills</i> into <i>fruitful valleys</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXXV.—AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of C—mb—l—d has taken from this country a thing which not one +person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean +<i>his departure</i>.—G. A'B.</p> + +<h4>CMXXVI.—ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of +a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near +the <i>vertebra</i>?"—"No,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> no," said the other; "it was near the +<i>racecourse</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXXVII.—SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter +Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one +striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used +in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the +room, and returned with the beautiful lines:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Majestic silence," &c.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXXVIII.—THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Many</span> anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of +discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of +his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney. +During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man +whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He +traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end +without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about +to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his +labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her +friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named +Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed, +does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been +rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man +with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and +Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell +into a <i>brown study</i>, in which she remained for some time. At length, +however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her +companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig! +whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she +added, "You should ha' ax'd for <i>Ould Blackbird</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMXXIX.—A POSER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing +away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his +friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"—"You +have not <i>tried me</i> yet, sir," said Foote.</p> + +<h4>CMXXX.—MINDING HIS CUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Elliston</span> was enacting the part of <i>Richmond</i>; and having, during the +evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to +the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was +personating <i>Lord Stanley</i> (for the safety of whose son <i>Richmond</i> is +naturally anxious), <span class="smcap">thus</span>, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:—</p> + +<p>Elliston (as <i>Richmond</i>). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?</p> + +<p>Powell (as <i>Lord Stanley</i>). He is, my Lord, and <i>safe in Leicester +town</i>!</p> + +<p>Elliston (as <i>Richmond</i>). I mean—ah!—is he missing?</p> + +<p>Powell (as <i>Lord Stanley</i>). He is, my Lord, and <i>safe in Leicester +town</i>!!</p> + +<p>And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say +that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at +that particular moment, have been put to him.</p> + +<h4>CMXXXI.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On a little member's versatility.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Why</span> little Neddy —— yearns<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To <i>rat</i>, there is a reason strong,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He needs be <i>everything by turns</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Who is by nature <i>nothing long</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXXXII.—LATE AND EARLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes +and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a +superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very +<i>late</i> to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> office."—"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must +remember that I go away <i>early</i>." The oddness of the excuse silenced the +reprover.</p> + +<h4>CMXXXIII.—FAIR PLAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother +counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both +sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so +little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without +hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first +fire."—"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any +advantage, you shall <i>chalk</i> my size upon <i>your body</i>, and all hits out +of the ring shall go for nothing."</p> + +<h4>CMXXXIV.—SOMETHING LACKING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hook</span> was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on +a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "<span class="smcap">Warren's B——</span>," was +puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis <i>lacking</i> that +should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.</p> + +<h4>CMXXXV.—THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">From</span> a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who values herself on her family's blood:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And keep a poor curate to do all his work,<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But construes the law in its most rigid sense,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And still to bind over will find some pretence,<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">From dealing with great men and taking their word,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXXXVI.—THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of +people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. +A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see +the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery. +"John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little +dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride, +cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,—"<i>Crockery</i>! bring down +little <i>China</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXXXVII.—MEN OF LETTERS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A correspondent</span>, something new<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The editor his letter read,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And begged he might be X.Q.Z.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXXXVIII.—ELEGANT RETORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the +undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the +Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of +this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had +given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he +might resign his office to another, a great <i>hissing</i> was raised in +disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made +the following elegant retort:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<i>Laudatur ab his</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXXXIX.—SNUG LYING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A visitor</span> at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be +buried in the churchyard <i>there</i>, because it was so healthy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMXL.—A PROPER ANSWER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A knavish</span> attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, +"What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that <i>concern +you</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXLI.—GOOD HEARING.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">I heard</span> last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm very glad to <i>hear it</i>, too, cries Ned.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXLII.—AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">George Selwyn</span> once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a +letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said +Lady G——. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship, +where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"</p> + +<h4>CMXLIII.—HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cooke</span> was announced one evening to play the <i>Stranger</i> at the Dublin +Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were +visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the +audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his +failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When +the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder +hut—yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and +striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of +mind. Still this was taken as the <i>chef-d'œuvre</i> of fine acting, and +was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having +cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in +vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling, +thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people—you know the +value of money—a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is +lost for ever. My son, too—pardon the feelings of a parent—my only +son—as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain—not +many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the +defence of his King!" Here his feelings became<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> so powerful that they +choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he +staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing +the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed +£1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but, +too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as +the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the +business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor +played the part.</p> + +<h4>CMXLIV.—THE SEASON-INGS.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Come</span> here, Johnny, and tell me what the four <i>seasons</i> are." Young +Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."</p> + +<h4>CMXLV.—NOT AT HOME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A weaver</span>, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the +churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded, +he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially +made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and +after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a +similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a +tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation, +referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye <i>a' up +an' awa</i>?"</p> + +<h4>CMXLVI.—LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers +of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag, +in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to +lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the +modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Happy and glorious"—<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Three half-pints</i> 'mong <i>four</i> of us,<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Heaven send no more of us</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">God save the Queen!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> received with a +full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.</p> + +<h4>CMXLVII.—WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">How</span> wisely Nature, ordering all below,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Forbade a beard on woman's <i>chin</i> to grow,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Whose <i>tongue</i> would never let her <i>chin</i> be still!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXLVIII.—COOL RETORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Henderson</span>, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at +Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping +his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson +took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir, +was a <i>digression</i>: now for the argument."</p> + +<h4>CMXLIX.—LYING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Don't</span> give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but, +like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.—D.J.</p> + +<h4>CML.—PERTINENT INQUIRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him +stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says +the other: "Pray, sir, <i>did you</i>?"</p> + +<h4>CMLI.—A POLITE REBUKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles Mathews</span>, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the +driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much +longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's +ships."—"How's that, sir?"—"Why, <i>frozen at the pole</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CMLII.—A CERTAIN CROP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Under</span> the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great +preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, +where Lord Fife, his factor,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> and others interested in the subject were +collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of +opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot +retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last +cried out, "<i>Saw't wi' factors</i>, ma lord; they are sure to thrive +everywhere."</p> + +<h4>CMLIII.—GOOD ADVICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Never</span> confide in a young man,—new pails leak. Never tell your secret to +the aged,—old doors seldom shut closely.</p> + +<h4>CMLIV.—MR. THELWALL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high +treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following +note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead +my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be +hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "<i>I'll be +hanged, then, if I do</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMLV.—CHEAP AT THE MONEY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A shilling</span> subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who +had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a +shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury +<i>one-and-twenty of them</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMLVI.—A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span>, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how +many years it would take "<i>to pay</i> a little debt of a hundred pounds!"</p> + +<h4>CMLVII.—A BACK-HANDED HIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Derby</span> once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is +<i>represented</i>. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult +to the members who represent that wretched country."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMLVIII.—THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> by their names we things should call,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It surely would be <i>properer</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To term a singing piece a bawl,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A dancing piece a <i>hopperer</i>!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMLIX.—A FAVORITE AIR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical +composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear +it."—"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.</p> + +<h4>CMLX.—A GOOD JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A fire-eating</span> Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an +acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have +a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"—"With +pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against +<i>the next</i>." The joke settled the quarrel.</p> + +<h4>CMLXI.—ONE THING AT A TIME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, +"It was not hissed."—"True," said another; "no one can <i>hiss</i> and +<i>gape</i> at the same time."</p> + +<h4>CMLXII.—TROPHIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A French</span> nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at +Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many <i>trophies</i> of Louis the +Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had +many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my +master's victories are to be seen <i>everywhere</i> but in his <i>own house</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMLXIII.—"BRIEF LET IT BE."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer +in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson +observing: "Mr. Martin,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> do you think any office would insure your life? +Remember, yours is a <i>brief</i> existence."</p> + +<h4>CMLXIV.—GOOD ADVICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A philosopher</span> being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, +replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first +sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."</p> + +<h4>CMLXV.—EXPECTORATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even +when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to +civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. +No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.—S.S.</p> + +<h4>CMLXVI.—A COAT-OF-ARMS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A great</span> pretender to gentility<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Came to a herald for his pedigree:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The herald, knowing what he was, begun<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Told him he was a gentleman of note,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And that he had a very glorious coat.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">One couchant; and, to give it further scope,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMLXVII.—DR. SIMS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A glorious</span> bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of +his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with +great naiveté: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an +<i>emetic</i>! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would <i>not stay</i> on my +stomach either time."</p> + +<h4>CMLXVIII.—MARRIAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the +enemy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMLXIX.—BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pope</span>, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the +young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"</p> + +<h4>CMLXX.—INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A spendthrift</span> said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the +world; now see where I am through my own exertions."—"Well, where are +you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now <i>owe more</i> than a thousand +pounds!"</p> + +<h4>CMLXXI.—QUANTUM SUFF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost +unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady +mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady +dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The +party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find +her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her +mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither <i>het nor cauld</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXII.—LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A retired</span> cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had +enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the +Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort +of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked +at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,—you turned it +all into <i>cheese</i> several years ago!"</p> + +<h4>CMLXXIII.—AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Are</span> you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a +prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are <i>you</i> put +there for but to find that out?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMLXXIV.—ACCOMMODATING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, +"You speak foolishly." He answered, "<i>It is that you may understand +me</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXV.—GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Frank</span>, who will any friend supply,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Lent me ten guineas.—"Come," said I,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Give me a pen, it is but fair<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No need to waste my paper too."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMLXXVI.—ODD REASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A celebrated</span> wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he +was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the <i>great regard</i> +we have for each other."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXVII.—VERY EVIDENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Garrick</span> and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a +board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "<span class="smcap">a +goes koored hear</span>."—"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people +as these can cure agues?"—"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their +prescription is,—but <i>it is not by a spell</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXVIII.—OMINOUS, VERY!</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A jolly</span> good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly +gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X—— +in?"—"Don't live here," says P——, who was in full scribble over some +important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his +office."—"Next door."—"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many +patients?"—"<i>Not living</i>!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in +the vicinity.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMLXXIX.—A REVERSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house +he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned <i>topsy-turvy</i>, I'd be +livin' on the first flure."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXX.—ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE OF +HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">His</span> degradation is complete,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His name with loss of honor branding:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When he resolved to win his seat<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He literally lost his standing.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMLXXXI.—MUSICAL TASTE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A late</span> noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, +being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it +being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W——, +did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as <i>deaf</i> as my brother, I +would subscribe too."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXXII.—LINGUAL INFECTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A fashionable</span> Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was +observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out +as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could +be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such +an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying <i>to catch</i> the English accent."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXXIII.—PORSON <i>versus</i> DR. JOWETT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Jowett</span>, who was a <i>small</i> man, was permitted by the head of his +college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some +<i>jeux d'esprit</i> among the wags of the University, which induced him to +alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the +following extemporaneous lines:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A <i>little</i> garden <i>little</i> Jowett made,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And fenced it with a <i>little</i> palisade;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Because this garden made a <i>little</i> talk,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He changed it to a <i>little</i> gravel walk;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And now, if more you'd know of <i>little</i> Jowett,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A <i>little</i> time, it will a <i>little</i> show it.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMLXXXIV.—BREVITY OF CHARITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Brevity</span> is in writing what charity is to all other virtues. +Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without +the other.</p> + +<h4>CMLXXXV.—HIGH GAMING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Baron N.</span>, once playing at cards, was guilty of an <i>odd trick</i>; on which +his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room. +The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he +should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play <i>so high</i> again as long as +you live."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXXVI.—HARD OF DIGESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span> had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could +offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the +coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural +curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this +bird has one very remarkable property—he will swallow iron?"—"Then +very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the <i>key</i> of your +<i>wine-cellar</i>!"</p> + +<h4>CMLXXXVII.—A MONSTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> said that "the Court of Chancery was like a +boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in +haste, and digested them at leisure."</p> + +<h4>CMLXXXVIII.—SAILOR'S WEDDING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A jack-tar</span> just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but +at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between +them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the +sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as <i>far +as it will go</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMLXXXIX.—QUID PRO QUO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith</span> and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each +other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"—"That's a +sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours <i>ring</i>?" said Smith. "No," +said Brown. "That's a sign it's <i>cracked</i>," replied his friend.</p> + +<h4>CMXC.—THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of —— +approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in +before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out +to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing +the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ——," and +then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read +the line, "Nor stand <i>in sinners' way</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXCI.—ENCOURAGEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The +unfortunate client who appears by me—" and then he came to a full stop; +beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the +remark, "My unfortunate client—." He did not find his fluency of speech +quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his +softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite <i>with you</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXCII.—FALSE ESTIMATE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Kean</span> once played <i>Young Norval</i> to Mrs. Siddons's <i>Lady Randolph</i>: after +the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting +him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's +a pity,—but there's <i>too little</i> of you to do anything."</p> + +<p>Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies +from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the +infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often +unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes +of lightning.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play +<i>Othello</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXCIII.—AMERICAN PENANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last +creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian +Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript +Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate +me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the +transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his +opponents.—S.S.</p> + +<h4>CMXCIV.—A MONEY-LENDER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you +half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always +poison at hand for a remedy.—D.J.</p> + +<h4>CMXCV.—A BAD MEDIUM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span>, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said +to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said? +I am not skilled in any of the <i>dead</i> languages."</p> + +<h4>CMXCVI.—TAKING A HINT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> Bishop preached: "My friends," said he,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"How sweet a thing is charity,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"And instantly I'll go and—ask it."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>CMXCVII.—SWEARING THE PEACE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded +his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of +his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest +son Larry, for he <i>never struck him when he was down</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p> + +<h4>CMXCVIII.—THE RULING PASSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a +<i>baker</i> at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, +who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as +appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended +the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely +paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town, +Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment +to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at +the same time, "I have just seen him <i>shoved</i> into the <i>family oven</i>."</p> + +<h4>CMXCIX.—A SANITARY AIR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as +far,—it must, for it's ten times as thick.—D.J.</p> + +<h4>M.—GRAFTING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Very</span> dry and pithy too was a legal <i>opinion</i> given to a claimant of the +Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious +forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a +peer, but it would be a peer o' anither <i>tree</i>!</p> + +<h4>MI.—A SHORT CREED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A sceptical</span> man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would +believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then +young man, <i>your creed</i> will be the shortest of any man's I know."</p> + +<h4>MII.—IN THE DARK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked +with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the <i>puir whales</i>?" deeming +their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.</p> + +<h4>MIII.—NOT TO BE TEMPTED.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Come</span> down, this instant," said the boatswain to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> mischievous son of +Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll +give you a good dozen, you rascal!"—"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down +if you'd give me <i>two dozen</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MIV.—QUITE POETICAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harry Erskine</span> made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his +Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by +the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after +the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him +on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of +the <i>Last Ministry</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MV.—CORPORATION POLITENESS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> a west-country mayor, with formal address,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But your majesty's courage soon made it appear<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MVI.—A COMMON WANT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the +matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited +disputants, he began:—</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense—"</p> + +<p>"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you <i>do</i> want!"</p> + +<p>The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.</p> + +<h4>MVII.—LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was +remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a +party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box, +belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that +"It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."—"Yes, Mr. +Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any <i>freedom</i> but yours."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MVIII.—HENRY ERSKINE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Erskine</span> (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being +presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow, +slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the +sight of his <i>bear</i>.</p> + +<h4>MIX.—EPITAPH ON A MISER.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Reader</span>, beware immoderate love of pelf,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Here lies the worst of thieves,—who robbed himself.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MX.—SMART REPLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to +her, "Good morning, mother of asses."—"Good morning, my child," was the +reply.</p> + +<h4>MXI.—CALUMNY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">George the Third</span> once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous <i>bon-vivant</i>, "They +tell me, Sir John, you love a <i>glass</i> of wine."—"Those, sire, who have +so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me +great injustice; they should have said,—<i>a bottle</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MXII.—LOVE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">They</span> say love's like the measles,—all the worse when it comes late in +life.—D.J.</p> + +<h4>MXIII.—ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you <i>change</i> +countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, <i>let +him</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MXIV.—TOO FAST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in +despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"—"Are you?" said the other +joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and <i>undo me</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MXV.—A REVERSE JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span> passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he +stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he +had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I +should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his <i>tail</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MXVI.—A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823, +was <i>Australasia</i> (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of +conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they +thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a +<i>transporting</i> one."</p> + +<h4>MXVII.—HARD-WARE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed +at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Such notes, as warbled to the string,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Drew <i>iron tears</i> down Pluto's cheek.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably +delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything <i>in +iron</i> before that could not be made at Birmingham.</p> + +<h4>MXVIII.—PAINTING AND MEDICINE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A painter</span> of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned +respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are +<i>exposed</i> to view; but in medicine, they are <i>buried</i> with the patient."</p> + +<h4>MXIX.—DOGMATISM</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Is</span> pupyism come to its full growth.—D.J.</p> + +<h4>MXX.—SALAD.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> make this condiment your poet begs<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Smoothness and softness to the salad give;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And, half-suspected, animate the whole.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To add a double quantity of salt.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">O green and glorious!—O herbaceous treat!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Serenely full, the epicure would say,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXXI.—ACTOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A member</span> of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged +to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty +pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A +comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with +wounds, is content with half that sum."—"What!" replied the actor; "and +do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to <i>say so</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MXXII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">That</span> Lord —— owes nothing, one safely may say,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXXIII.—CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I rise</span> for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am +very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man <i>wants</i> it more."</p> + +<h4>MXXIV.—CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Why</span> scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know<br /></span> +<span class="i2">(I note it here in charity),<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Had taste in beauty, and with them<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Graces were all <ins class="translit" title="Charitai">Χαριται</ins>!<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MXXV.—DOING HOMAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Returning</span> from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into +conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him +side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and +watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered +something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying +to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been +unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought +to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your +Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened +to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a +very high-spirited horse, so that if anything <i>goes off</i> we must <i>all go +off together</i>!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.</p> + +<h4>MXXVI.—SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,—"I can +furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two +volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them +once to Blanco White, and before the third page—<i>he was fast asleep</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MXXVII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On ——'s ponderous speeches.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Though</span> Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The House would most willingly spare them;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For it finds they possess such remarkable <i>weight</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That it's really a trouble to <i>bear them</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXXVIII.—GOOD AT A PINCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A severe</span> snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks, +having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets, +snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging +from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon +failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> unwillingly +abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst +the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of +the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the +snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became +back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the +minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that +he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new +idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae." +The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and +then said, "Whaur did you get it?"—"<i>I soupit<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a> the poupit</i>," was +John's expressive reply. The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath +snuff now came into good use.</p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> Swept.</p></div> + +<h4>MXXIX.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the +principles he has always professed.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Sure</span> in the House he'll do but little good<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who lets "<i>I dare not, wait upon</i> <span class="smcap">I Wood</span> (I would)."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXXX.—WILKES'S READY REPLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Luttrel</span> and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes +asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools +or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll +tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But, +perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't +mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"—"Why (the +answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."—"How so?"—"I +should merely say it was a <i>fabrication</i>, and they would <i>destroy you</i> +in the twinkling of an eye!"</p> + +<h4>MXXXI.—TOO GRATEFUL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the +thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> "Och, counsellor, +I've no way <i>here</i> to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you <i>knocked +down in me own parish</i>,—wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"</p> + +<h4>MXXXII.—THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Say</span>, why erroneous vent your spite?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your censure, friends, will <i>raise</i> us;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If you do wish to damn us quite,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Only begin to <i>praise</i> us!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXXXIII.—ODD HOUSEKEEPING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Montgomery</span> was the only—the motherless—daughter of the stern +General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of +housekeeper, and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the +articles purchased, and their prices, she put the "cart before the +horse." Her gruff papa never lectured her verbally, but wrote his +remarks on the margin of the paper, and returned it for correction. One +such instance was as follows: "General Campbell thinks +five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for parsley." Henrietta instantly +saw her mistake; but, instead of formally rectifying it, wrote against +the next item,—"Miss Campbell thinks <i>twopence-halfpenny</i> excessively +<i>cheap for fowls</i>"; and sent it back to her father.</p> + +<h4>MXXXIV.—TELLING ONE'S AGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near +thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret +at it, madam; for you will get <i>further</i> from that frightful epoch every +day."</p> + +<h4>MXXXV.—POT VALIANT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Provisions</span> have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is +generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English +physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a +coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that +he said he always employed his troops <i>before their dinner had +digested</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MXXXVI.—CAUSE AND EFFECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir William Dawes</span>, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His +clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady, +he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they +used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful, +added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, <i>Mare Pacificum</i>." A curate, +who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was +<i>Mare Mortuum</i> first."</p> + +<h4>MXXXVII.—A BAD PREACHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span>, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to +<i>hear him preach</i>. He answered, "I am afraid of <i>disturbing your +solitude</i>."</p> + +<h4>MXXXVIII.—ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">So</span> well deserved is Rogers' fame,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That friends, who hear him most, advise<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The egotist to change his name<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To "Argus," with his hundred I's!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXXXIX.—A POSER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his +client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my +lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The +Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you <i>lie</i> on both +sides, whom will you have me believe?"</p> + +<h4>MXL.—A QUIET DOSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A mean</span> fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health <i>gratis</i>, asked +a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll +tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take <i>advice</i>."</p> + +<h4>MXLI.—THE DANCING PRELATES.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Scaliger</span> doth the curious fact advance,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The early bishops used to join the dance,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> +<span class="i0">And winding, turning ——s shows us yet,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That Bishops still know how to pirouette.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXLII.—AURICULAR CONFESSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A cunning</span> juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering +the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."—"Stop; are +you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.—"Yes, of one ear."—"Then you may +leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear <i>both +sides</i>."</p> + +<h4>MXLIII.—A DRY FELLOW.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter +finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had +been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but +gin anybody asks if I got a dram <i>after 't</i>, what will I say?"</p> + +<h4>MAXILLA.—GOOD EVIDENCE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Did</span> you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.</p> + +<p>"Yes, your honor," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"On what <i>ground</i> did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned +counsel.</p> + +<p>"<i>In the back-yard</i>," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.</p> + +<h4>AXLE.—EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Poor</span> Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For twenty years he did the duties well,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The church clock struck <i>one</i>—alas! 'twas Peter's knell,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who sighed, "I'm coming—that's the ostler's bell!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXLVI.—QUIN AND THE PARSON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A well-beneficed</span> old parson having a large company to dinner, +entertained them with nothing else but the situation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> and profits of his +parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin, +being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair +of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,—"So, so, doctor, I +think you do keep your <i>glebe</i> in your own hands with a witness!"</p> + +<h4>MXLVII.—NATURAL ANTIPATHY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked, +"Why he hated that nation so much."—"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I +don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have +everything keep to its <i>native element</i>."</p> + +<h4>MXLVIII.—NOT NECESSARY.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady +who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake, +ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that <i>monkey any flatter</i> +than he is!"</p> + +<h4>MXLIX.—ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sterne</span>, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of +treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine +sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The +husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his +wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."—"If you think +so," replied Garrick, "I hope <i>your</i> house is insured."</p> + +<h4>ML.—CROMWELL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in +the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is the name of the man that murdered the king."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MLI.—BILL PAID IN FULL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker, +in his robes of office. The active<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> part he took to forward the bill to +settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a <i>scroll</i> +painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George +the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the <i>Tower</i>, and this +circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he +wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which +Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "<span class="smcap">this bill paid in +full</span>."</p> + +<h4>MLII.—WOMEN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the +society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our +mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in +all ages our friends."</p> + +<p>A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a +woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to <i>point</i> out the hours, and +a woman to make us <i>forget</i> them."</p> + +<h4>MLIII.—THE DEVIL'S OWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were +defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through. +This being reported to Lord B——, he remarked, "that the lawyers always +went through <i>thick</i> and <i>thin</i>."</p> + +<h4>MLIV.—WHIST-PLAYING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span> said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more +clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if +<i>dirt</i> were trumps, what <i>hands</i> you would hold!"</p> + +<h4>MLV.—A CRUEL CASE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pope</span> the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art, +received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the +simplicity of the intended fare—a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of +beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I +will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> eat he did, +till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a +haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at +trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way +to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years' +standing, and to be <i>served in this manner</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MLVI.—ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Shelley</span> styles his new poem, "<i>Prometheus Unbound</i>,"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For surely an age would be spent in the finding<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A reader so weak as to <i>pay for the binding</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MLVII.—WRITING TREASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Horne Tooke</span>, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much +treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged, +replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was +<i>trying</i>."</p> + +<h4>MLVIII.—A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its +aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding +evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous +emotions.—S.S.</p> + +<h4>MLIX.—IMPROMPTU.</h4> + +<p><i>On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac +Sycophant.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Some</span> envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Because the character was drawn too true;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MLX.—IN THE BACKGROUND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent +him <i>standing behind a tree</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MLXI.—IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate +herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath +than <i>marry</i>. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should +find a <i>husband</i> at the bottom."</p> + +<h4>MLXII.—THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lad</span> applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain, +wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you +want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."—"I +can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,—that +makes two. Now, here's the <i>third</i>," and he threw it overboard.</p> + +<h4>MLXIII.—THE REASON WHY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's +houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why," +said he, "the <i>first</i> know what they want, but the <i>latter</i> do not."</p> + +<h4>MLXIV.—PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same +play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the +mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into +the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put +little Davy into the lantern."—"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I +shall ever be happy <i>to enlighten</i> Mr. Quin in anything."</p> + +<h4>MLXV.—BARK AND BITE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Clare</span>, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a +Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned +himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on, +Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the +rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in +<i>consultation</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MLXVI.—A PRESSING REASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A tailor</span> sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy +tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that +time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did +you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running +away?"—"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that <i>he +was</i>."</p> + +<h4>MLXVII.—SMALL WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir George Beaumont</span> once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a +delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish +towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped +himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at +the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "<i>which</i> is the pudding?"</p> + +<h4>MLXVIII.—EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING +CHAPEL.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Oh could I do but either as I ought!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I pray too little, and I fast too much.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MLXIX.—MAKING PROGRESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A student</span>, being asked what progress he had made in the study of +medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as +physician, for I think I am now able to <i>cure a child</i>."</p> + +<h4>MLXX.—THE WOOLSACK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Colman</span> and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, +amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand +head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has +still an eye to the woolsack."</p> + +<h4>MLXXI.—SIR THOMAS COULSON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Thomas Coulson</span> being present with a friend at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> the burning of Drury +Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where +the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "<i>ingens</i> cui +lumen adeptum."</p> + +<h4>MLXXII.—THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription +for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if +he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I +had I should have broken my neck for I <i>threw it</i> out of a +two-pair-of-stairs window."</p> + +<h4>MLXXIII.—MOTHERLY REMARK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir David Baird</span>, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper. +When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in +India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, +"Heaven pity the man <i>that's tied</i> to my Davy!"</p> + +<h4>MLXXIV.—TOO GOOD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span>, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a +man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking +all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear +sir, you <i>deserve</i> to be ill."</p> + +<h4>MLXXV.—A BALANCE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Pay</span> me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a +village attorney. "For what?"—"For the opinion you had of me."—"Faith, +I <i>never</i> had any <i>opinion</i> of you in all my life."</p> + +<h4>MLXXVI.—MONEY'S WORTH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Whilst</span> inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising +agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one +of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that +work."—"Why, no, master," was the reply, "<i>seven shillings</i> a week +isn't <i>sweating</i> wages."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MLXXVII.—ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Strange</span> is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The etymological cause, I suppose, is<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His breaking the bridges of so many noses.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MLXXVIII.—WRITING FOR THE STAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">People</span> would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash +which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very +first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for +representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a +nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic +description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the +hero of the drama declaimed from the <i>main-mast</i> of a man-of-war, +without once descending from his position!</p> + +<p>A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in <i>thirty</i> acts. +The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have +five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a +week.</p> + +<h4>MLXXIX.—A COMPARISON.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">An</span> attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an +apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer +does not deal in <i>scruples</i>."</p> + +<h4>MLXXX.—GAMBLING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">I never</span> by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me +like the funeral bell of a whole family.—D.J.</p> + +<h4>MLXXXI.—SWEEPS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a +climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's +office!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MLXXXII.—SELF-CONCEIT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Hail</span>, charming power of self-opinion!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For none are slaves in thy dominion;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The <i>vain</i> have only <i>one</i> to please.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MLXXXIII.—JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Formerly</span>, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear +affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to +attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in +Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought +he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the +party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes +before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to +him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down +without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the +pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour. +As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding +none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my +Lord, I am engaged to <i>dine</i> at the next house—and—and——"—"And, +sir, you thought you might as well <i>save</i> your own dinner by <i>spoiling</i> +mine?"—"Exactly so, my Lord; but——"—"Sir, I wish you a good +evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was +more frightened.</p> + +<h4>MLXXXIV.—A GOOD INVESTMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> English journal lately contained the following announcement: "<i>To be +sold</i>, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney +retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."</p> + +<h4>MLXXXV.—THE AGED YOUNG LADY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said +that she was but <i>forty</i> years old. A student who sat near observed, +that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the +last <i>ten years</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MLXXXVI—KEEPING TIME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he +should stir the fire without interrupting the music."—"<i>Between the +bars</i>," replied the friend.</p> + +<h4>MLXXXVII.—ENTERING THE LISTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of B——, who was to have been one of the knights of the +Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse +himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could +I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"—"It +will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your +<i>list</i> shoes."</p> + +<h4>MLXXXVIII.—NOT IMPORTUNATE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Robison</span> (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy) +having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had +accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."—"Weel, weel," said +Mrs. Robison, "if ye're <i>dead</i> I'll no' expect ye."</p> + +<h4>MLXXXIX.—WITTY COWARD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A French</span> marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he +never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile +it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"—"Pooh!" +replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes +behind my back."</p> + +<h4>MXC.—PRIORITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his <i>young</i> master for +his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me, +Maister Jeems, <i>I hae been langer about the place than yersel'</i>."</p> + +<h4>MXCI.—SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A laird</span> of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a +proposal was made to erect a new<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> churchyard wall. He met the +proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the <i>tenants</i> +complain."</p> + +<h4>MXCII.—CHARACTERISTICS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One +extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a +friend with,—"It is a very cold morning, doctor."—"I don't know that," +was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with +<i>snow</i>. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The +doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and +interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the +annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated +next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much, +as many of the party did not understand it."—"And <i>you are one</i> of +them," observed the learned bear.</p> + +<h4>MXCIII.—AN ERROR CORRECTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of +his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his +disappointment.</p> + +<p><i>Friend</i> (to Jerrold).—I hear you said —— was the worst book I ever +wrote.</p> + +<p><i>Jerrold.</i>—No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever +wrote.</p> + +<h4>MXCIV.—A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">W——</span>, they say, is bright! yet to discover<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But hold! <i>Extremes will meet</i>: the marvel's over;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His very <i>dulness</i> is the <i>extreme</i> of wit.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXCV.—BRAHAM AND KENNEY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was +passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at +the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of +manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> +replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I +really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On +asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham +say, as he entered, 'I am really <i>proud</i> of my pit to-night,' I went and +counted it, and there were but <i>seventeen</i> people in it."</p> + +<h4>MXCVI.—HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">I would</span>," says Fox, "a tax devise<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That shall not fall on me."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Then tax <i>receipts</i>," Lord North replies,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"For those you <i>never</i> see."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MXCVII.—A BED OF—WHERE?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and +spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very +proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion, +and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well, +sir; but, indeed, I thought <i>I'd lost</i> the minister a' thegither."</p> + +<h4>MXCVIII.—ENVY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A drunken</span> man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by +the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is +dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied +another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, <i>I +wish I had just half his disease</i>!"—in other words, a moiety of the +whiskey he had drunk.</p> + +<h4>MXCIX.—A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I keep</span> an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her +boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little +<i>upon it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MC.—MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A laird of Logan</span> sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as +you see him; but he's an <i>honest</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span> beast." The purchaser took him home. +In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and +his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the +laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast; +many a time has he <i>threatened</i> to come down with me, and I kenned he +would <i>keep his word</i> some day."</p> + +<h4>MCI.—"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Neville</span>, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by +many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech, +but when he used <i>bad</i> words he could talk fluently. In one of his +solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. +"Tu—u—rn," says Neville, "to—to—to—" and so on for a minute or two; +at last he burst out, "<i>Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can +tell you</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCII.—ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Two</span> Miltons, in separate ages were born,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Though the other had talents the world to adorn,<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>This</i> lives by his <i>mews</i>, which the other could not!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCIII.—A LONG RESIDENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a +splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man +of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as +Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye +to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer +countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht <i>o' +leavin' yet</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCIV.—SPARE THE ROD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A schoolboy</span> being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, +"If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the <i>Italian +system</i>—the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCV.—POLITICAL SINECURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to +his heart, and declared that he was the trusty <i>guardian</i> of his own +honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on +the snug little <i>sinecure</i> he had discovered for himself.</p> + +<h4>MCVI.—EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAÎTRE PHYSICIAN.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> Pennington for female ills indites,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Studying alone not what, but how he writes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cry, with ill-omened rapture,—"<i>Killing man</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCVII.—DAMPED ARDOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, +discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy +shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many +years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of +us."</p> + +<h4>MCVIII.—ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his +native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George +IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the +leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed +Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to +ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these +distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going +direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission, +Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and +<i>I will talk over the business with</i> <span class="smcap">his Majesty</span>."</p> + +<h4>MCIX.—TRUTH AND FICTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A traveller</span> relating his adventures, told the company that he and his +servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he +observed, that there was no great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> matter in it,—"For," says he, "we +ran, and they ran <i>after us</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCX.—A REASONABLE REFUSAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some +of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and +solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King. +"Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never +could raise a man <i>for mysel</i>, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King +George."</p> + +<h4>MCXI.—LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A vehement</span> political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord +North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in +a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the +Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter +only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other +criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their +fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair, +and taught to repeat the cry of "<i>Infamous coalition</i>!" Lord North +coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to +them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the +starling might well perform his office <i>by deputy</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCXII.—INCAPACITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "<i>I</i> would +permit you," answered the prelate; "but <i>nature</i> will not."</p> + +<h4>MCXIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is there a night that asses do not speak?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCXIV.—VALUE OF NOTHING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Porson</span> one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> Cantab, requesting +him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, +and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His +friend answered, "Yes!"—"And what may it be?" asked Porson. +"<i>Sixpence</i>!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the +note."</p> + +<h4>MCXV.—THE RIGHT ORGAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Spurzheim</span> was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the +organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The <i>barrel</i>-organ," +interrupted an auditor.</p> + +<h4>MCXVI.—MIND YOUR POINTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A writer</span>, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite +passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing <i>a bolster full of rage and +jealousy</i>, smothers her."</p> + +<h4>MCXVII.—REASONS FOR DRINKING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Aldrich</span>, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for +drinking:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Good wine, a friend, or being dry,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or lest you should be by and by,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or any other reason why."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCXVIII.—NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house +of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer +ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; +may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"—"I +don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white +sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be +<i>fleeced</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXIX.—AN ODD OCCURRENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little +absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have +been <i>more</i> women than men married this year."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCXX.—A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A tutor</span> bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make +some English verses, and seeing he put <i>teeth</i> to rhyme with <i>feet</i>, +told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles +answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore +this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that +evasion, for that will make you an <i>owl</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXXI.—NOSCE TE IPSUM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of +Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the +debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished +to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed +he, with great emphasis—"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a +more <i>knavish fool</i> than he?"—"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the +troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the +prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.</p> + +<h4>MCXXII.—VERA CANNIE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the +plea, "<i>Marry</i> for love, and <i>work</i> for siller," replied, "It's a' vera +true, but a kiss and a tinniefu<a name="FNanchor_C_3" id="FNanchor_C_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_C_3" class="fnanchor">[C]</a> o' cauld water maks a gey wersh<a name="FNanchor_D_4" id="FNanchor_D_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_D_4" class="fnanchor">[D]</a> +breakfast."</p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_C_3" id="Footnote_C_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_C_3"><span class="label">[C]</span></a> Tinnie, the small porringer of children.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_D_4" id="Footnote_D_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_D_4"><span class="label">[D]</span></a> Insipid.</p></div> + +<h4>MCXXIII.—TIMELY AID.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for +alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound +sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my +present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit +some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a +shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam," +said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> <i>begging</i> all +day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to +<i>work</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCXXIV.—WHIST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bray</span> relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named +Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a +deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on +the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life, +and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment +he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "<i>What is trumps</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCXXV.—HENRY ERSKINE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba—four, a +barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences. +Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the +former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer, +"I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to +a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the +first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a +slight extravasation of blood."—"You may thank your lucky stars," +replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's <i>gate</i> was not as <i>lofty</i> as +your <i>style</i>, or you must have broken your neck."</p> + +<h4>MCXXVI.—THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">These</span> walls, so full of monuments and bust,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCXXVII.—TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time +the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still +resembled only the "effigy of a man,"—said the stout gentleman, "Why, +Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you +last."—"And you," replied the other, "look as if you <i>had been at +dinner ever since</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCXXVIII.—SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, +who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can +your mag t-t-talk yet?"—"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than <i>you</i>, or +I'd wring his <i>head off</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXXIX.—AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one +killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body +they <i>found the chaplain</i> of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. +——, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was +discovered in this very inconvenient situation.</p> + +<h4>MCXXX.—CONSTANCY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the +Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not <i>change</i> +either till he comes back."</p> + +<h4>MCXXXI.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> he holds forth, his reverence doth appear<br /></span> +<span class="i2">So lengthily his subject to pursue,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That listeners (out of patience) often fear<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He has indeed <i>eternity in view</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCXXXII.—SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Smith</span> passed a pork-shop the other day,—Mr. Smith whistled. The +moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this, +we would mention that the day before he <i>lost a Newfoundland dog</i>, that +weighed sixty-eight pounds.</p> + +<h4>MCXXXIII.—BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Rogers</span> used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a +duel in a <i>darkened room</i>. The Englishman, unwilling to take his +antagonist's life, generously<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> fired up the chimney, and—<i>brought down +the Frenchman</i>. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the +relator, "I make the <i>Englishman</i> go up the chimney."</p> + +<h4>MCXXXIV.—A PERFECT BORE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some one</span> being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was +not "a <i>little</i> tiresome?"—"Not at all," said he, "she was <i>perfectly</i> +tiresome."</p> + +<h4>MCXXXV.—TOO CIVIL BY HALF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the +close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of +the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one +of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "<i>I +really beg his pardon</i>,—bring him in."</p> + +<h4>MCXXXVI.—"OUR LANDLADY."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A landlady</span>, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, +would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion: +"Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off +started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it <i>half</i> a +quartern <i>loaf</i>, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got +across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard: +"Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it <i>all gin</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXXXVII.—THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span> censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, +which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more +convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct +road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out +of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the +bridge."—"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church <i>in</i> the +way, that the people may not <i>go out of the way</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCXXXVIII.—SAVING TIME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A candidate</span> at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a +long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, +"Electors of G——, all that he has <i>said</i> I will <i>do</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXXXIX.—THE YOUNG IDEA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Schoolmistress</span> (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come, +now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You +won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell +you. I didn't come here to <i>teach you</i>,—but for you to <i>teach me</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXL.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Two</span> Harveys had a mutual wish<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To please in different stations;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For one excelled in <i>Sauce for Fish</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And one in <i>Meditations</i>.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Each had its pungent power applied<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To aid the dead and dying;<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>This</i> relishes a <i>sole</i> when <i>fried</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>That</i> saves a <i>soul</i> from <i>frying</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCXLI.—EPITAPHS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">If</span> truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to +the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single +epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of +Shakespeare,—the following being the whole,—<i>Exit Burbadge</i>.</p> + +<p>Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that +excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,—"Good +Knight."</p> + +<h4>MCXLII.—NATIONAL PREJUDICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The +Irish, sir, take us <i>all in</i>, and the Scotch turn us <i>all out</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCXLIII.—GRANDILOQUENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A boasting</span> fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business +be?"—"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is +in a <i>very</i> large way!"—"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume +you are a cutter of <i>bungs</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCXLIV.—THE LETTER C.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curious</span> coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the +Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:—Her mother's name was +Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she +was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House, +the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel; +her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord +Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of +her accoucheur being Croft.</p> + +<h4>MCXLV.—PRACTICAL RETORT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one +night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and +hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on +the stage, and <i>out-hissed</i> the visitors.</p> + +<h4>MCXLVI.—AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Garth</span> (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the +Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, +having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he +forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth +immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or +not; for nine of them have such <i>bad</i> constitutions that all the +physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so +<i>good</i> constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill +them."</p> + +<h4>MCXLVII.—A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Owen Moore</span> has run away,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Owing more than he can pay.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MCXLVIII.—LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Hurrah</span>! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his +father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at +last."—"<i>Settled it</i>!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you +that as <i>an annuity</i> for your life."</p> + +<h4>MCXLIX.—A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">As</span> you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging +sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve +you."—"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting +for <i>all parishes</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCL.—PLAIN SPEAKING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">George II.</span>, who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his +persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his +opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther <i>done so</i>," +replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne +of England."</p> + +<h4>MCLL.—THE PLURAL NUMBER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A boy</span> being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great +promptness and simplicity, "<i>two-pence</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLII.—MAULE-PRACTICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was +differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so +with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive +a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, <i>in +writing</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLIII.—VERY LIKELY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after +suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his +servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, +"None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very +glad,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> for now you will have only <i>one boot</i> to clean instead of <i>two</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLIV.—MUCH ALIKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> was asked, "Where did your father die?"—"In a storm," answered +the sailor. "And your grandfather?"—"He was drowned."—"And your +great-grandfather?"—"He perished at sea."—"How, then," said the +questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished +there? You needs must be very rash."—"Master," replied the sailor, "do +me the favor of telling me where your father died?"—"Very comfortably +in a bed."—"And your forefathers?"—"In the same manner,—very quietly +in their beds."—"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you +<i>go to bed</i>, since all your ancestors died in it?"</p> + +<h4>MCLV.—A GOOD WIFE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets +she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing +all that <i>pleases</i> him, and by enduring patiently all that <i>displeases</i> +me."</p> + +<h4>MCLVI.—WELLINGTON SURPRISED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, +to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here +titled, if you were not <span class="smcap">surprised</span> at Waterloo?" To which the duke +responded, "No; but I am <span class="smcap">now</span>."</p> + +<h4>MCLVII.—TOO CLEVER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself +useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as +country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for +two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you <i>shook +them</i>?"—"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the +word.</p> + +<h4>MCLVIII.—A LIGHT JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> were burned +down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at +first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same +evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, +"that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn <i>any +longer</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLIX.—A REBUKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A braggart</span>, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted +that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier, +"be careful the next time you run away, and don't <i>look back</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLX.—A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Bobby</span>, what does your father do for a living?"—"He's a +<i>philanthropist</i>, sir."—"A what?"—"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,—he +collects money for Central America, and <i>builds houses</i> out of the +proceeds."</p> + +<h4>MCLXI.—GREAT CABBAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A foreigner</span> asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a +suit of clothes. He replied, <i>twelve</i> yards. Astonished at the quantity, +he went to another, who said <i>seven</i> would be quite sufficient. Not +thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was +against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask +twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for +seven?"—"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he +has but <i>three</i> children to clothe, I have <i>six</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXII.—TRUE AND FALSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A beggar</span> asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to +whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, <i>Latin</i>. The fellow, +shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the +gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"—"Yes," replied +the other, "a <i>poor one</i> indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word +of <i>Latin</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCLXIII.—NOT QUITE CORRECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A huntsman</span>, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct +in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day +when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and +asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great +sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."—"Did you run him +long?"—"They run him up-wards of five hours <i>successfully</i>."—"So then +you <i>did</i> kill him?"—"O no, sir; we lost him at last."</p> + +<h4>MCLXIV.—A FOOL CONFIRMED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Parr</span>, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once +called a clergyman a <i>fool</i>, and there was probably some truth in his +application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different +opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so," +added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will <i>confirm</i> you."</p> + +<h4>MCLXV.—PLEASANT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his +operations satisfactory.</p> + +<h4>MCLXVI.—ALERE FLAMMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. B——</span> desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had +just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell +her, for she had other <i>irons in the fire</i>, and in case of its not being +likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the +doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you, +madam, to put it where your <i>other irons</i> are."</p> + +<h4>MCLXVII.—ORATORY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York +Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the +workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, +he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything +that came uppermost, that he might observe how<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> it could be heard. "Why +then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you +these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do +you mean to pay us?"—"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray +come down; I have <i>heard</i> quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very +distinctly, though I don't much <i>admire your subject</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXVIII.—SOLDIERS' WIVES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a +new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. +"But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal +highness, as she is <i>a soldier's wife</i>, and these people are generally +<i>loose characters</i>!"—"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just +entered the room, "<i>a soldier's wife</i>! Pray, madam, <i>what is your +mistress</i>? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."</p> + +<h4>MCLXIX.—NO JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a +board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the +notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these +Grounds";—but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he +caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,—"<span class="smcap">No Joke, +by the Lord Harry</span>!" which had the desired effect.</p> + +<h4>MCLXX.—A GOOD LIKENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to +charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen +his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the +non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was <i>so like +you</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXI.—CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">George Selwyn</span>, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was +induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the +acquaintance of an elderly gentleman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> he was in the habit of meeting at +the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his +old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed, +but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the <i>cuttee</i>. "I +recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I +shall be most happy to become acquainted <i>with you again</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXII.—VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in +eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L——'s sad +affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he +suddenly took up the knife, and——" "Good heavens!" interposed one of +the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"—"Why no," answered the +relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected +he would, for he actually <i>put it up to his mouth</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXIII.—IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span>, about to be proposed a member of the Phœnix Club, +inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was +the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phœnix, +<i>for I can't rise from the fire</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXIV.—A GOOD APPETITE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said +he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as +for loins, not many; five or six at most."—"And how many legs of +mutton?"—"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight, +perhaps."—"And fatted pullets?"—"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not +many; not more than a dozen."—"And pigeons?"—"Ah, as for pigeons, not +many; perhaps forty—fifty at most—according to appetite."—"And +larks?"—"Ah, as for that, my lord—little larks—<i>for ever</i>, my +lord—<i>for ever</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCLXXV.—SHORT-SIGHTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dean Cowper</span>, of Durham, who was very economical<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> of his wine, descanting +one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, +remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."—"I +do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for <i>we</i> have +seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXVI.—AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A'Beckett</span> once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an <i>annual +increase</i> is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S——, by virtue of +this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"</p> + +<h4>MCLXXVI I.—TRUTH <i>versus</i> POLITENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was +presiding "Hoped the tea was good."—"Very good, indeed, madam," was the +general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, +between truth and politeness observed, "That the <i>tea</i> was <i>excellent</i>, +but the <i>water</i> was <i>smoky</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCLXXVIII.—A NEW VIEW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> people have a notion that villany ought to be <i>exposed</i>, though we +must confess we think it a thing that deserves a <i>hiding</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCLXXIX.—THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A student</span> riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said +that if <i>one</i> side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the +<i>other</i> would stay behind.</p> + +<p>[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in +Hudibras,—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"For Hudibras wore but one spur;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As wisely knowing, could he stir<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.]<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCLXXX.—A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A scholar</span> was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, +"<i>Unum contrarium expellit alterum</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCLXXXI.—A PLAY UPON WORDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A poacher</span> was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game +unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being +asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring +to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and +confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told +you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty +years, it has been my <i>manner</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXXII.—JEMMY GORDON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jemmy Gordon</span>, the well-known writer of many a <i>theme</i> and <i>declamation</i> +for <i>varmint-men</i>, alias <i>non-reading</i> Cantabs, having been complimented +by an acquaintance on the result of one of his <i>themes</i>, to which the +prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is +no great credit to be first in an <i>ass-race</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXXIII.—SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Swift</span> was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his +chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to +know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."—"Do you, indeed," replied the +Dean; "Then take my advice, and <i>sit down again</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXXIV.—A SETTLED POINT.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">A reformed</span> Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will +never do for this country."—"No! but an <i>unreformed</i> would, and that +quickly," replied a bystander.</p> + +<h4>MCLXXXV.—JOLLY COMPANIONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A minister</span> in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the +jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings, +and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his +elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a +witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> Rev. Mr. C—— +the worse of drink?"—"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the +better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."—"But did you never see +him drunk?"—"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be <i>half +slockened</i>, I'm ay' <i>blind fu'</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCLXXXVI.—PAYING IN KIND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied +with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a +small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In +the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles, +instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he <i>gave to each a wax +candle</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCLXXXVII.—A FULL HOUSE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house +at my benefit?"—"<i>Invite your creditors</i>," was the surly reply.</p> + +<h4>MCLXXXVIII.—RATHER THE WORST HALF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his +mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And +why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"—"Yes, +mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out +all the soft for his half? He will have <i>his</i> half out of the middle, +and I have to sleep <i>both</i> sides of him!"</p> + +<h4>MCLXXXIX.—FORCE OF HABIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A servant</span> of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of +Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report +the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions +<i>always</i> to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl +brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S——'s <i>compliments</i>, and she +de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCXC.—A WONDERFUL SIGHT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A jolly</span> Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair, +to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a +lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate, +who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next +year they were to carry about a <i>sailor and a marine living peaceably +together</i>!"—"Aye," said his married companion, "or a <i>man and wife</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXCI.—BURKE AND FOX.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Burke</span>, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented +his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord +Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I +declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of +the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and, +should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought +to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is +the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of +my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of +John Zisca, it should be converted <i>into a drum</i>, and used for the +purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."</p> + +<h4>MCXCII.—TRYING TO THE TEMPER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Allen</span>, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never +put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the +blade."—"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is +<i>not out of temper</i> when plunged into <i>hot water</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXCIII.—HAVING A CALL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Dunlop</span>, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the +country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was +expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of +refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in +<i>exercises</i>,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied, +"I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye +can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in +the prayer when I hear the <i>haam fizzin'</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXCIV.—A WILL AND AWAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of +a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his +younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by +the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he, +"it's the will; I'm ordered to <i>divide</i> the house betune myself and my +brother, so I've taken the <i>inside</i> and given him the <i>outside</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCXCV.—A WINDY MINISTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest +operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much +laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for +the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants +in prayer as follows:—"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin' +wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive +words than these could not be found in any language.</p> + +<h4>MCXCVI.—READY RECKONER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in +Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that +some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they +were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send +you half-a-dozen <i>pay sergeants</i> that will,"—a hint that they did not +fail to take.</p> + +<h4>MCXCVII.—A "DISTANT" FRIEND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Meeting</span> a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of +your friends, I see?"—"Yes, massa."—"Was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> it a near or a distant +relative?"—"Well, purty distant,—<i>'bout twenty-four mile</i>," was the +reply.</p> + +<h4>MCXCVIII.—TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Ho</span>! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"The ministry are to be <i>changed</i>, it is said."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With a trifling erratum."—"What?"—"Dele the <i>c</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCXCIX.—A NAMELESS MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the +delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied +the man, "is the same as my father's."—"And what is his name?" said the +gentleman. "It is the same as mine."—"Then what are both your +names?"—"Why, they <i>are both alike</i>," answered the man again, and very +deliberately walked off.</p> + +<h4>MCC.—AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Booth</span>, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I +like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,—<i>I can't get +over your nose</i>!"—"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"</p> + +<h4>MCCI.—NON COMPOS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is remarkable that —— is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition, +though the <i>very little piece</i> of mind he possesses is proverbial.</p> + +<h4>MCCII.—TOO LIBERAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A writer</span> in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of +distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you +have done it so profusely that you have <i>left none</i> for yourself."</p> + +<h4>MCCIII.—A LITTLE RAIN.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">How</span> monarchs die is easily explained,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And then he <i>mizzled</i>!<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MCCIV.—TRUE DIGNITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">P——</span> had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's +house a stranger stopped that P—— might enter the room before him. +"Pass, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P——, the +author."—"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the +preference"; and accordingly took the lead.</p> + +<h4>MCCV.—HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Mead</span>, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted +with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient +rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor, +shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all +your suffering."—"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your +glass, for now we have found out <i>the cause</i>, the sooner <i>we get rid of +it</i> the better."</p> + +<h4>MCCVI.—SEVERE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called "<i>she</i>." The +son of Neptune replied that it was "because the <i>rigging</i> cost more than +the hull."</p> + +<h4>MCCVII.—NO SACRIFICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A linen-draper</span> having advertised his stock to be sold under <i>prime +cost</i>, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never +<i>paid a farthing for it himself</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCVIII.—SHARP BOY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A mother</span> admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him +he should never <i>defer</i> till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The +little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the +plum-pudding <i>to-night</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCIX.—EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A merchant</span> having been attacked by some thieves at five in the +afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you <i>open shop early</i> to-day."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCX.—JUDGMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">James the Second</span>, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet, +and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his +sight a <i>judgment</i> upon him for what he had written against his father, +Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of +sight a <i>judgment</i> upon me, what do you think of your father's losing +his head?"</p> + +<h4>MCCXI.—ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">It</span> sounds like paradox,—and yet 'tis true,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You're like your picture, though it's not like you.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCXII.—RATHER A-CURATE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in +their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they +have gone many steps, they may be said to be <i>past a</i> <span class="smcap">cure</span>.</p> + +<h4>MCCXIII.—MONEY'S WORTH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the +advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue <i>an +advantage</i> over an honest man," was the reply.</p> + +<h4>MCCXIV.—THE RICHMOND HOAX.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert +Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond +before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly +desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"—those +cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated. +The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of +honor?'"—"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly +a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that +everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace? +What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor; +a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a +roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the +bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and +so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the +maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she +convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in +a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a <i>gentleman usher of the black +rod</i>, if they had one in the house quite cold!</p> + +<h4>MCCX.V.—LORD CHATHAM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chatham</span> had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view, +and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken +immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on +the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lordship in the most +excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had +ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of +impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the +sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his +body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he +has to do with a minister who actually <i>treads</i> on impossibilities."</p> + +<h4>MCCXVI.—"I CAN GET THROUGH."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated +windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the +gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an <i>exeat</i>, in +rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself +through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he +stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the +student and asked him ironically, "If he should assist him?"—"Thank +you," was the reply, "<i>I can get through</i>!" at the same instant he drew +himself back on the outside.</p> + +<h4>MCCXVII.—MAKING FREE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Formerly</span>, members of parliament had the privilege of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> franking letters +sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the +post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been <i>charged</i>. +He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his +handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "<i>precisely</i> the same; but the +truth is, I happened to be a <i>little tipsy</i> when I franked +them."—"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write <i>drunk</i> +when you make <i>free</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCCXVIII.—FICTION AND TRUTH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Waller</span>, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric +on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of +Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the +king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that +he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like +a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in <i>fiction</i> than in +<i>truth</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXIX.—A TAVERN DINNER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A party</span> of <i>bon-vivants</i>, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang +for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared +so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest) +that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been +drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor +forgets the three gentlemen <i>under the table</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXX.—A FULL STOP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. +One old aunt, in particular, visited him <i>twice</i> a year, and stayed <i>six +months</i> each time.</p> + +<h4>MCCXXI.—FAT AND LEAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span>, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that, +though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen +the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"—"When? I should be +glad<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last +night,—<i>against a wall</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXXII.—SELF-CONDEMNATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Joseph II.</span>, emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his +retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at +the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After +eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant +retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to +only three shillings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours +afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican, +understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha! +man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such +adventures, and will think no more of it."—"But I <i>shall</i>" replied the +landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my +house, and letting him off for <i>three and sixpence</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXXIII.—NICKNAMES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">John Magee</span>, formerly the printer of the <i>Dublin Evening Post</i>, was full +of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted +against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue" +took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel, +who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing +the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some +public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The +official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious +asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no +nicknames in this court,"—-"Very well, <i>John Scott,</i>" was the reply.</p> + +<h4>MCCXXIV.—A CALCULATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his +papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to +Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum: +"Accepted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the <i>North Briton</i>, +21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:—</p> + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary=""> +<tr><td align='left'>Lost by his death on this essay</td><td align='left'>£ 1</td><td align='left'>11</td><td align='left'>6</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Gained in elegies</td><td align='left'>2</td><td align='left'>2</td><td align='left'>0</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Gained in essays</td><td align='left'>3</td><td align='left'>3</td><td align='left'>0</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Am glad he is dead by</td><td align='left'>3</td><td align='left'>13</td><td align='left'>6."</td></tr> +</table></div> + +<p>Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously +vindicated by Southey, in the <i>Quarterly Review</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCXXV.—ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">I would</span> not pay a coin to see<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An animal much larger;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Surely the mammoth horse must be<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Rather an <i>overcharger</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCXXVI.—NOTHING BUT HEBREW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Cantab</span> chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated +some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him. +The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to +share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand. +This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his +learning, as it proved to be in <i>Latin</i>. The Cantab immediately declined +the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but <i>Hebrew</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCXXVII.—A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one +evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the +butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye +buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want +anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's +figure, exclaimed, "Only <i>say</i> you buy your meat of me, sir, and you +will make my fortune."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCXXVIII.—QUID PRO QUO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion, +completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. ——, you belong to a +very honest profession?"—"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for, +saving you <i>lawyers</i>, I think it the <i>most dishonest going</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXXIX.—SERVANTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep <i>one</i> +servant your work will be done; if you keep <i>two</i>, it will be half done; +and if you keep <i>three</i>, you will have to do it yourself.</p> + +<h4>MCCXXX.—PLAIN ENOUGH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the +presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such +an accomplished beauty?"—"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the +gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every +right, as the <i>first discoverer</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXI.—A POSER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government +House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was +allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D——, +having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her +steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out, +and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D——, with a stately air, +"do you know who I am?"—"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the +immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint—you b'aint the <i>General's +cow</i>." So Lady D—— wisely gave up the argument, and went the other +way.</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXII.—TRUE CRITICISM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was +asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid +one," said her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. <i>It is +admirable stuff to catch flies</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXIII.—ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance +of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his +command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the +sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among +them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason +they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor +he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of +<i>grog</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXIV.—WELL SAID.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his +daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who +does not marry, does better."—"Well then," said the young lady, "I will +<i>do well</i>; let those who choose <i>do better</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXV.—SLEEPING AT CHURCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. South</span>, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the +monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after +snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale, +let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will +<i>awake the king</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXVI.—SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron</span> notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage; +for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally. +Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and +Moore, and I passed together, when <i>he</i> talked and we listened, without +one yawn, from six to one in the morning."</p> + +<p>One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of +that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and +bewildered, and almost insensible.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span> The watchman asked, "Who are you, +sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?" +Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron +notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?—and, to my mind, excellent. Poor +fellow! <i>his</i> very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of +others."</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXVII.—THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Villiers</span>, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one +day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir +Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing +in the world."—"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is +another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is +that you will <i>live</i> a beggar, at the rate you go on."</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXVIII.—QUID PRO QUO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A worthy</span> Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and +universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in +Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony, +the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition +wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on +a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding +meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual +kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's +come o' the auld Pyet?"—"He's deid, minister."—"Weel, he was an auld +faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the +Church?"—"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this +allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he +<i>turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast</i>." He then +rode quietly away.</p> + +<h4>MCCXXXIX.—CREDIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's +description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his +tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> definition of timber, "an excrescence +on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of +debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is <i>respectable to be arrested</i>, +because it shows that the party once had credit.</p> + +<h4>MCCXL.—SEEING NOT BELIEVING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady's-maid</span> told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins +together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they <i>kill you</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCCXLI.—SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A bon-vivant</span>, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, +after having been told that he could not in all human probability +survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted +the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said, +with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I +<i>live till nine</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCXLII.—BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Though</span> upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men +that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much +as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years +of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once +dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of +the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he +was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is +the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr. +Burke <i>is up</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXLIII.—VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas, +not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was +speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you +mean?"—"Dr. John Thomas."—"They are both named John."—"Dr. Thomas who +has a living in the city."—"They have both livings in the city."—"Dr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> +Thomas who is chaplain to the king."—"They are both chaplains to the +king."—"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."—"They are both good +preachers."—"Dr. Thomas who squints."—"They both squint." They were +afterwards both Bishops.</p> + +<h4>MCCXLIV.—FORTUNATE STARS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">My</span> stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"What homage we nobles command in the world!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars,<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Some people</i> owe much to their <i>fortunate stars</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCXLV.—A NEW READING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Towards</span> the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was +talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations +of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace +the following passage:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Tempus abire tibi est."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"—"I +think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to +it?"—"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be +<i>bribe-isti</i> in your Horace."</p> + +<h4>MCCXLVI.—QUITE AT EASE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span>, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend +who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him; +but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is +hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and +hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied, +"Thank you, my lord: you know <i>the company</i> better than I do."</p> + +<h4>MCCXLVII.—CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span> that he +rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort. +Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself. +Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to +rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief, +"Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever <i>try a clean shirt</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCCXLVIII.—CLEARING EMIGRANTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his +sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something +more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so +engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land, +<i>trees and all</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXLIX.—PARLIAMENTARY CASE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Andrews</span>, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall, +was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James +was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale, +Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I +take my subjects' <i>money</i> when I want it, without all this formality in +Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you +should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to +the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"—"Sir," +replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary +cases."—"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord; +answer me presently."—"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for +you to take my <i>brother Neale's money</i>, for he offers it."</p> + +<h4>MCCL.—OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came +to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether +the French government had sent the <i>preliminaries</i> of a treaty, +answered, "he did not know, but they had sent <i>the outline of an +ambassador</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCLI.—NATURE AND ART.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A worthy</span> English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the +Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye +caught up the names of its—to him—unknown dishes: "Soupe à la +flamande"—"Soupe à la Creci"—"Langue de Bœuf piquée"—"Pieds de +Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"—"Patés de sanglier"—"Patés à la gelée de +volailles"—"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his +simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried +to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to <i>first +principles</i>! Give us some beans and bacon!"</p> + +<h4>MCCLII.—A COMPARISON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,—the less +they have in them, the <i>more noise</i> they make in pouring it out.</p> + +<h4>MCCLIII.—THE SNUFF-BOX.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly +admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather +difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor +Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer, +and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness, +"Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is <i>not +an oyster</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLIV.—NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Plunket</span> is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the +Irish Chancellorship, and his <i>supersedeas</i> by Lord Campbell. A violent +tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend +remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have +made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it +won't make him <i>throw up the seals</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLV.—A SEASONABLE JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Duncan's</span> address to the officers who came on board his ship for +instructions previous to the engagement<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> with Admiral de Winter, was +both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe <i>winter</i> +approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a <i>good fire</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLVI.—GETTING A LIVING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the +same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped +over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his +attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good +living that falls to my disposal; had he <i>stopped</i> to have taken care of +me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor +similar to his own, or with a spirit that would <i>not stoop to flatter</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCLVII.—GOOD EYES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a +pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to <i>see</i> +her talk."</p> + +<h4>MCCLVIII.—INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span>, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people +running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can +assure you nothing will be done <i>without me</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLIX.—A LAST RESOURCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Villiers</span>, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John +Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what +he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John. +"That I can do," answered the duke, "when <i>I am ruined</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLX.—A DULL MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron</span> knew a dull man who lived on a <i>bon mot</i> of Moore's for a +week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that +the reciter was <i>guiltless</i> of understanding its point; but he could get +no one to accept the bet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCLXI.—WHITE TEETH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Professor Saunderson</span>, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the +University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, +was <i>quite blind</i>. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked +of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very <i>white teeth</i>. +The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was +very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the +lady is not a <i>fool</i>, and I can think of no other motive for her +laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXII.—A PLEASANT PARTNER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A farmer</span> having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who +neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn, +and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so +useless a way, adding, "You had better do <i>something</i> with it, as you +see I have done."—"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man +has a right to do what he will with his own, and <i>you</i> have done so; but +I have made up my mind about my part of the property,—I shall set it on +fire."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXIII.—TWO CARRIAGES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy +brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are +to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a +coach."—"Very true, miss," said the other, "and <i>you</i> are to consider +that he likewise keeps a <i>dray</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXIV.—EXCUSABLE FEAR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A husband</span>, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by +a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."—"It is not <i>she</i> I am afraid +of," replied the husband, "it is <i>the noise</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXV.—COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thelwall</span> and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> recess in the +Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine +place to <i>talk</i> treason in!"—"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is +rather a place to make a man <i>forget</i> that there is any necessity for +treason!"</p> + +<h4>MCCLXVI.—A FLASH OF WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span>, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a +friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist: +"Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His +enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he +talked rather too much; but now he has <i>occasional flashes of silence, +that make his conversation perfectly delightful</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCLXVII.—LOST AND FOUND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly +agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons +were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always <i>finds 'em +agin</i> the next day."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXVIII.—A MILITARY AXIOM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the +expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when +reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always <i>quarter</i> upon the enemy, +my lads; always <i>quarter</i> upon the enemy."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXIX.—A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being +much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great +vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with +great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"—"Faith," said the +king, in a tone more <i>piano</i> than that of the orator, "nobody that is +within the reach of <i>that fist of yours</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXX.—NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Thomas Brown</span> courted a lady for many years,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> but unsuccessfully, +during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health +before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a +gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady, +your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I +cannot make her <i>Brown</i>, so I'll toast her no longer."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXI.—AN ODD NOTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, +inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"—"Please, ma'am, I don't +<i>live nowhere</i> now," rejoined the girl; "<i>I am married</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXII.—A SURE TAKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend +riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir," +replied the other, "I am riding <i>after my eighty-fourth year</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXIII.—MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Tierney</span>, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites +had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington +Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a +like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the +Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr. +Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,—who left the <i>Fox</i> to go +over to the <i>Goose</i>, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXIV.—DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">If</span> I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I +would certainly by all means make him a <i>parson</i>." A clergyman who was +in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from <i>your +father</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXV.—ORTHOGRAPHY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> laird of M'N——b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh +coffee-house, when a friend observed that he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span> was setting at defiance +the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed +the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man <i>write grammar</i> with a pen +like this?"</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXVI.—A SHORT JOURNEY.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Zounds</span>, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very +phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."—"Well, +you won't have <i>far to go</i>," said the phlegmatic man.</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXVII.—LORD HOWE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Lord Howe</span>, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the +middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him +with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If +that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we +shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, +and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be +afraid, the fire is extinguished."—"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do +you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the +lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir, +when he is afraid? I need not ask how <i>he looks</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXVIII.—RATHER ETHEREAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. John Wilkins</span> wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the +possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, +who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him, +"Doctor, where am I to bait at in the <i>upward</i> journey?"—"My lady," +replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected +that question from you; who have built so many <i>castles in the air</i> that +you might lie every night at one of <i>your own</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXIX.—HENRY VIII.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to +get another wife. His first offer was to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> the Duchess Dowager of Milan; +but her answer was, "She had but <i>one</i> head; if she had <i>two</i>, one +should have been at his service."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXX.—MELODRAMATIC HIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Burke's</span> was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of +the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a +joke from Sheridan.—"The gentleman has brought us the <i>knife</i>, but +where is the <i>fork</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXI.—A LONG ILLNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span> in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of +the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of +a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two +country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, +one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he; +"but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a +fever <i>these three weeks</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXII.—DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">How</span> long is this loch?"</p> + +<p>"It will be about twanty mile."</p> + +<p>"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"</p> + +<p>"Maybe it will be twelve."</p> + +<p>"It does not really seem more than four."</p> + +<p>"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."</p> + +<p>"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."</p> + +<p>"Troth, I <i>canna say I do</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXIII.—WHAT'S IN A NAME?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after Lord ——'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors +were often very ridiculous in the <i>titles</i> they gave. "That," said a +distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns +appear <i>not to be exempt</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXIV.—TILLOTSON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Who</span> was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of +the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more +time upon it, it would not have been <i>so long</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXV.—IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the +love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach +of promise," as the ink <i>fades away</i>, and leaves the sheet blank, in +about four weeks after being written upon.</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXVI.—CHIN-SURVEYING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above +the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain +barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular +settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account, +carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to +31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made +some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer +thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was +readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches +proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would +measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s. +1d.—being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of <i>chin-surveying</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXVII.—CHANGING HATS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Barry</span> the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were +extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were +about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him. +Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain +one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by +Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the +truth, my dear Joey," answered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span> Barry, "I fully expected assassination +last night; and I was to have been known by <i>my laced hat</i>." Nollekens +used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would +call a true bill against Jem."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXVIII.—POWDER WITHOUT BALL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Goodall</span>, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of +Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst +congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball +during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused +the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you +see you can get the powder out of the <i>cannon</i>, but not the <i>ball</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCLXXXIX.—POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between +his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging +each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper +prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I +only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore, +all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death +to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The <i>greatest dunce</i> has killed your foe at last.'"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCXC.—OPPOSITE TEMPERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">General Sutton</span> was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir +Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving +him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and +continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again, +"John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had +occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage, +said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If +Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John, +<i>I'll knock you down</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCXCI.—A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A woman</span> having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, +proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The +bystanders asked him if he was mad,—she could not have gone against the +stream. The man answered, "She was <i>obstinate</i> and <i>contrary</i> in her +life, and no doubt she was the <i>same at her death</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXCII.—A QUEER EXPRESSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of +the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga, +said, "Mr. ——, your gown is very short."—"It will be long enough, +sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the +Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he +met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was +amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow —— said such a funny thing. I +asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time +before I get another.'"—"There's nothing very funny in that."—"Well, +no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But <i>it was the way he +said it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCXCIII.—AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored +Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at +rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having +casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's +true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how <i>short the days are</i> at +this time of the year."</p> + +<h4>MCCXCIV.—A PARTICIPATION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his +severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of +his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his +hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he +sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span> lad utterly +denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell +you who had <i>a hand in it</i>." Here they thought to have found out the +truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "<i>Your worship, sir</i>"; which +caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.</p> + +<h4>MCCXCV.—INGRATITUDE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord B—— died, a person met an old man who was one of his most +intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was +trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not +affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he +died without leaving me anything in his will,—I, who have <i>dined with +him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCXCVI.—A PREFIX.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the +administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met +him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the +crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of +his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their +titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself +<i>Silly-Bubb</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCXCVII.—A GOOD MIXTURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order +to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with <i>brains</i>, sir!" +was his answer.</p> + +<h4>MCCXCVIII.—SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman <i>patera</i>, or goblet, +in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I +purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous +sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an +antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However, +I was almost consoled for the bitter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span> price it cost by the amusement I +derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to +purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the +antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the <i>patera</i> this +good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated +astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone +which I shall never forget,—'Five-an-twenty guineas! <i>If the +parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for</i>!'"</p> + +<h4>MCCXCIX.—HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Horne Tooke</span> having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and +Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it +my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of +his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it +may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in +my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that <i>you shall +have no ground</i> to complain of my endeavors to serve you."</p> + +<h4>MCCC.—A LITERARY RENDERING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding +visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room, +and no doubt used the Scotticism, "<i>Carry</i> any ladies that call up +stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show +his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together, +and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there +till <i>I come for ye</i>," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances, +ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this +unwonted fashion.</p> + +<h4>MCCCI.—TEMPERANCE CRUETS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, +restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was +designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William +Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man, +observing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with +contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those +<i>life-preservers</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCII.—DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Glynn</span>, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in +attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty +of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating <i>cucumber</i>, of which she +was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for +dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care; +then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and +then—<i>throw it away</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCIII.—"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Captain Innes</span> of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his +contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of +those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding +officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new +one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith +there'll soon be mair <i>hats</i> nor <i>heads</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCIV.—SEVERE REBUKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir William B.</span> being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were +objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer, +"do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges +in each university?"—"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I +had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the +<i>more he sucked</i> the <i>greater calf</i> he grew."</p> + +<h4>MCCCV.—HORSES TO GRASS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on +the following terms:—</p> + +<p> + Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.<br /> + Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.<br /> +</p> + +<p>On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span> that the +horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while +eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads +<i>from the manger</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCCVI.—INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied +Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambacères, one of the most +distinguished statesmen and <i>gourmets</i> of the time of Napoleon. In the +course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly +<i>recherché</i> dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very +good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very +good, but I really do not care what I eat."—"Don't care what you eat!" +exclaimed Cambacères, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what +<i>did</i> you come here for, then!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCVII.—VERY TRUE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">All</span> that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is +<i>confidence</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCVIII.—A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Jew</span>, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and +was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When +informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the +cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why +he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he +could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the <i>other</i> gentleman's clothes."</p> + +<h4>MCCCIX.—ST. PETER A BACHELOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is +reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new +foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed +to <i>Peter and Mary's</i>; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr. +Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too +long a <i>bachelor</i> to think of a female companion in his old days."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCCX.—TRUE OF BOTH.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I swear</span>," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very +handsome."—"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not +think so."—"And so you would <i>think</i>," answered he, "though I should +not <i>say so</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXI.—A POSER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lecturer</span>, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a +lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do +when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't +you?"—"O no!" replied the little one, "<i>we let out the tucks</i>!" The +doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.</p> + +<h4>MCCCXII.—VERY APPROPRIATE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A facetious</span> old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much +time in hunting and shooting, styled them <i>Nimrod</i> and <i>Ramrod</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCCXIII.—A BAD JUDGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Upon</span> the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of +Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord +Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little +stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red; +nearly as red as you, <i>Hill</i>!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret +complexion.</p> + +<h4>MCCCXIV.—WHITE HANDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said, +"Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as +usual."—"<i>Put on your gloves</i>, madam," replied the butcher, "and you +will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home +immediately.</p> + +<h4>MCCCXV.—TRUE TO THE LETTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs +no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span> but there is no +employment which requires such constant <i>application</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCCXVI.—SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scott</span> is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical +knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth," +which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former +title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the +kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that +Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his +suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and +down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am <i>all but</i> the author of the +Waverley Novels!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXVII.—TRUE PHILOSOPHY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Le Sage</span>, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his +deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a +great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my +pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, <i>I defy</i> you all.'"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXVIII.—ANSWERED AT ONCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is <i>the +price</i> of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily +from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a +dozen!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXIX.—A DEADLY WEAPON.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have +<i>mauled</i> my antagonist to some purpose?"—"O yes," replied a listener, +"you have,—and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, +I'll borrow <i>your jaw-bone</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXX.—EQUALITY OF THE LAW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following cannot be omitted from a <i>Jest Book</i>, although somewhat +lengthy:—</p> + +<p>A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span> took +place.—Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not +be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife +took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen +her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice +Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you +did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you +did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action +against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would +have cost you about £100. When you had recovered substantial damages +against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the +Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce <i>à mensa atque thoro</i>. That would +have cost you £200 or £300 more. When you had obtained a divorce <i>à +mensa atque thoro</i>, you would have had to appear by counsel before the +House of Lords for a divorce <i>à vinculo matrimonii</i>. The bill might have +been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and +altogether you would have had to spend about £1000 or £1200. You will +probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in +the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a +British judge, it is my duty to tell you that <i>this is not a country in +which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXI.—OPEN CONFESSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a +widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for +<i>delirium tremens</i>, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses +were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not +addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers, +the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who +closed his evidence by describing a case of <i>delirium tremens</i> treated +by him, in which the patient <i>recovered in a single night</i>. "It was," +said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, <i>sipping all day</i>, from +morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr. +Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, <i>that is my case</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCCXXII.—QUITE PROFESSIONAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A comedian</span>, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at +the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the +church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in +the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of +him. Poor fellow! he has <i>drawn a full house</i>, though, to the end."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXIII.—ON DR. LETTSOM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> anybody comes to I,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If after that they like to die,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Why, what care I, I Lettsom.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXXIV.—EQUITABLE LAW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of +fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a +portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share +of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the +will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for +the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain +for ourselves the other nine."—"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth +part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he +is to have what part '<i>pleaseth you</i>.'"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXV.—IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to +the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty +never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"—"O, kings never does; we lets +'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye," +says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found +nobody to <i>pay the turnpike for him</i>." Tom Moore told this story to Sir +Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits. +"Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us: +there was no want of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done +anything in the world for his majesty, except <i>pay the turnpike</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXVI.—RUNNING ACCOUNTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore +told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him +the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was +desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages +are <i>running on</i>."—"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am +afraid they are <i>running</i> so fast, that I shall never <i>catch</i> them."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXVII.—ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Bloomfield</span>, thy happy-omened name<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ensures continuance to thy fame;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Both sense and truth this verdict give.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While <i>fields</i> shall <i>bloom</i>, thy name shall live!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXXVIII.—SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with +great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The +robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had +experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that +the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the +hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him," +said one of the rogues: "if he had had <i>eighteen-pence</i> I suppose he +would have <i>killed</i> the whole of us."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXIX.—IRISH IMPRUDENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was +attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic +Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted +the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a +message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a +gracious reception from the great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> man, who praised his loyalty and +courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to +be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a +moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a +<i>Scotchman</i> of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my +gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the +<i>mal-apropos</i> hit, replied, "Make a <i>Scotchman</i> of <i>you</i>, sir! that's +impossible, for I can't give you <i>prudence</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXX.—THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Earl of P—— kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and +crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered +round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to +see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a +large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs +for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got +but one <i>silver spoon</i> among them all."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXXI.—A FALSE FACE TRUE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">That</span> there is <i>falsehood</i> in his looks<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I must and will deny;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They say their master is a knave:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And sure <i>they do not lie</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXXXII.—A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do +something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of +gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair +which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones +shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for <i>us and our heirs</i> +for ever."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXXIII.—THE SAFE SIDE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their +houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "<i>No +Popery</i>!" Old Grimaldi,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid +all mistakes, wrote on his, "<i>No Religion</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXXIV.—VISIBLY LOSING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully +Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate, +appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a +very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was +struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in +the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he +met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry! +why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."—"Alas! Egan, it is but +too visible that you're losing <i>tallow</i> (Tallagh) fast!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXXV.—REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Harry</span>, I cannot think," says Dick,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"What makes my ankles grow so thick."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"You do not recollect," says Harry,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"<i>How great a calf</i> they have to carry."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXXXVI.—ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Erasmus</span>, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was +entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the <i>errors</i> of Luther. "My lord," +answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken, +and nothing more difficult than to <i>prove</i> him so."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXXVII.—SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took +great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been +directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity. +"<i>But</i>," said Sheridan, "<i>what his Royal Highness more particularly +prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXXVIII.—FAIRLY WON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> (better known by +his <i>nom-de-plume</i> of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was +enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, +D——, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when, +looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart, +and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."—"Go thy +way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way, +and——"—"The pie's <i>yours</i>, sir!" exclaimed D——, placing it before +the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.</p> + +<h4>MCCCXXXIX.—A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed +at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to +greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At +last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at +least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he +roared into the ear of the postilion: "<i>Westmoreland, Cumberland, +Northumberland, Durham</i>!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous +threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.</p> + +<h4>MCCCXL.—ON THE FOUR GEORGES.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">George</span> the First was always reckoned<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Vile,—but viler, George the Second;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And what mortal ever heard<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Any good of George the Third?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When from earth the Fourth descended,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">God be praised, the Georges ended.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXLI.—WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hopkins</span> once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and +having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door. +"I want my umbrella."—"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go +to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an +umbrella?"—"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as <i>I</i> +did, <i>borrow one</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCCXLII.—WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Althorp</span>, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the +House of Commons a vote of £400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon +of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties +of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the +Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question +from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger +went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"—"An +archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an +ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with +this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought +to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop +himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such +answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a +saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days, +who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and +when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account +of its <i>lavendric</i> properties."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXLIII.—"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S DAY, +1787."</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> City-feast inverted here we find,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For Pitt had his <i>dessert</i> before he dined.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXLIV.—LATIMER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated +at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the +Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by +younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the +<i>fathers</i>, said, "I cannot talk for my <i>religion</i>, but I am ready to die +for it."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXLV.—EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A braggart</span> ran away from battle, and gave as a reason,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span> that a friend +had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he +attained the age of <i>one hundred</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCCXLVI.—A NEW IDEA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one +of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the +Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only +there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not +distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long) +<i>ide-a</i>. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek +derivation."—"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes +from the word <i>ideaowski</i>."—"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"—"It +is the <i>feminine</i> of idiot, madam!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXLVII—THE POOR CURATE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">For</span> the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But the Curate you'll find <i>living hard</i> by the church.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXLVIII.—NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Godfrey Kneller</span> and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and +were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the +doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it. +Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent +to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his +rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but <i>paint</i> +it."—"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I +will <i>take anything from him, except physic</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXLIX.—A HEAVY WEIGHT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Douglas</span>, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in +height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered +about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering +bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span> "<i>or I +will roll upon you</i>." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed +the following epigram:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">That the stones of our chapel are both black and white,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is most undeniably true;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's a wonder they're not <i>black and blue</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCL.—A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Gibbon</span>, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren +Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there, +took occasion to mention "the luminous author of <i>The Decline and +Fall</i>." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with +flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You +called him the luminous author."—"Luminous! Oh, I meant <i>vo</i>luminous!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCLI.—"SINKING" THE WELL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span> once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What +are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer. +"Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite +wrong; remember the old proverb,—'Let <i>well</i> alone.'"</p> + +<h4>MCCCLII.—ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> reading his name it may truly be said,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You will make that man <i>dy</i> if you cut off his <i>Hed</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCLIII.—THE WAY TO KEW.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hook</span>, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says: +"One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given <i>C A +B</i> to find <i>Q</i>. <i>Answer</i>: Take your <i>C A B</i> through Hammersmith, turn to +the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before +you."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLIV.—ABOVE PROOF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> East-India Governor having died abroad, his body<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span> was put in arrack, +to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship +being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all +in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow +appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The +captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell +from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, +"Why, please your honor, I <i>tapped the Governor</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLV.—AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mathews</span> once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a +dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days"; +the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend +asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the +reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why, +didn't you go there <i>to star</i>?"—"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful +mournfulness; "but they spell it with a <i>ve</i> in Wakefield."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLVI.—MISS WILBERFORCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable +and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of +the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was +saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce <i>for ever</i>!" when she pleasantly +observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for +really, I do not wish to be <i>Miss Wilberforce for ever</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCLVII.—WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Why</span> should we explain, that the times are so bad,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Pursuing a querulous strain?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When Erin gives up all the rights that she had,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">What <i>right has she left to complain</i>?<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MCCCLVIII.—A COOL PROPOSITION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one +of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's; +whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very +modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to +know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast +at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being +but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray +oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him +in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,—say you +are bringing with you the <i>cool of the evening</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLIX.—A PROPER NAME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the +purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman +asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much +identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of +performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything +you attempt, suppose you call it <i>Abbatoir</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLX.—THE GRANDSON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Horace Walpole</span>, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same +indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen +Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third. +"But," added he, "there is nothing new under the <i>sun</i>!"—"No," said +George Selwyn, "nor under the <i>grand-son</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXI.—AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A well-fed</span> rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to +Providence, and be satisfied with his <i>lot</i>. "Ah!" replied the needy +man, "I should be satisfied with his <i>lot</i> if I had it, but I can't get +even a <i>little</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCCLXII.—TO LADY, MOUNT E——, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">O dry</span> that tear so round and big,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Nor waste in sighs your precious wind;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Death only takes <i>a single pig</i>—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your <i>lord and son</i> are still behind.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCLXIII.—NATURAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Smith</span>, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she +snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite +innocently; "I never <i>lay awake</i> long enough to diskiver."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXIV.—BROTHERLY LOVE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to +be near his brother, who was a corporal <i>in the 76th</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXV.—A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Moore</span> having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his +proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of +<i>The Gamester</i>. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of +the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so +affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's +distress in the last act?"—"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend +to <i>put them into the Ecclesiastical Court</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXVI.—CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Taxes</span> are equal is a dogma which<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Taxation <i>hardly presses</i> on the rich,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And likewise <i>presses hardly</i> on the poor."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCLXVII.—THE BEST WINE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of +<i>other people</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCCLXVIII.—A VALUABLE BEAVER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A grand</span> entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of +the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out +to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to +the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said: +"Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"—"Why did +you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined +Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to <i>your +Beaver</i>" (Belvoir).</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXIX.—SOMETHING TO POCKET.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A diminutive</span> lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked +by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied +that he was an attorney,—"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put +you in my pocket."—"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if +you do, you will have more law in your <i>pocket</i> than ever you had in +your <i>head</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXX.—UP AND DOWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size +as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of +Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same +case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was +acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the +motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses +the court, he must stand."—"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said +Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat +confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."—"I <i>am sitting</i>, my lord," was the +reply to the confounded Chancellor.</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXI.—A POOR SUBSTITUTE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the +former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While +seated at the table of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span> a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked +him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am <i>when I can't get cream</i>," +was the ready reply.</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXII.—OUT OF SPIRITS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Is</span> my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As her voice of a tempest gave warning.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"For she <i>finished</i> the bottle this morning."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCLXXIII.—GOOD AT THE HALT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Peter Macnally</span>, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had +an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time +of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the +different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers +was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend, +these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the +lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."—"You follow the camp, my little +limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never +can be a disciplinarian."—"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally. +"For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march, +you would <i>halt</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXIV.—AN EASY WAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy +way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and +cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you +leave all the <i>uneasiness</i> to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it +not enough that one should be sorry for what <i>neither of you can help</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXV.—ERUDITE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> had a favorite lapdog, which she called <i>Perchance</i>. "A singular +name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find +it?"—"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember +where he says, '<i>Perchance</i> my dog will howl.'"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXVI.—VERY EASY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must, +however, mortify ourselves <i>a little</i>."—"Well," replied the other, "let +us make our <i>servants fast</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXVII.—A WINNER AT CARDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully +situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered, +"To a <i>card-maker</i>."—"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all +that man's <i>cards</i> must have been <i>trumps</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> charity of Closefist give to fame,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He has at last <i>subscribed</i>—how much?—<i>his name</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCLXXIX.—AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative +of <i>Glo'ster</i> was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was +found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as +the scene where <i>Glo'ster had his eyes put out</i>, when he came to a stand +still, and was obliged to beg permission to <i>read</i> the rest of the part.</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXX.—SMALL TALK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Fuseli</span> had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting +perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald +disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one +another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature, +he suddenly exclaimed, "<i>We had pork for dinner to-day</i>."—"Dear me! Mr. +Fuseli, what an odd remark."—"Why, it is <i>as good</i> as anything you have +been saying for <i>the last hour</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXI.—RATHER FEROCIOUS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was +interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span> I," said he, indignantly, "to be +teased by the barking of this <i>jackal</i> while I am attacking the royal +<i>tiger</i> of Bengal?"</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXII.—ONLY FOR LIFE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Spanish</span> Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said +with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your +life," answered by asking, "And for how <i>many lives</i> does your Grace +hold yours?"</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXIII.—AN OUTLINE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came +to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether +the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, +he did not know, but they had sent "the <i>outline of an ambassador</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXIV.—ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">On</span> Waterloo's ensanguined plain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Full many a gallant man lies slain;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But none, by bullet or by shot,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXV.—UGLY TRADES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a +grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for +with a great deal of enjoyment.—D.J.</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXVI.—A GOOD CHARACTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with +respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed <i>afraid</i> of +work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently <i>lie +down</i> and fall asleep by the very <i>side of it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXVII.—SENSIBILITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A keen</span> sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span> when any noise was +made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who +accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my +heart, sir, your <i>cough</i> was better."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXVIII.—PATIENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke +happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit +down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke, +happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the +Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the +commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not +think much of it; but there is so much <i>propriety</i> in putting a volume +upon <i>patience</i> in the room where every visitor has to wait for your +Grace, that <i>here</i> it must be considered as one of the <i>best books in +the world</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCLXXXIX.—WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Quest.</i> <span class="smcap">Why</span> is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Ans.</i> Because it is a slender thing of wood,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away,<br /></span> +<span class="i3">In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXC.—NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Archdeacon Paley</span> was in very high spirits when he was presented to his +first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just +after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely, +"Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another +behind some <i>curate</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXCI.—A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you +tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the +piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If +you'll<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span> send your lad to my office, I'll return the <i>three and +four-pence</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXCII.—A MAN OF METAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Edwin James</span>, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He +answered, "A dealer in old iron."—"Then," said the counsel, "you must +of course be a thief."—"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a +dealer in <i>iron</i> must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in +<i>brass</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXCIII.—SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Be</span> less prolix," says Grill. I like advice.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXCIV.—A DROP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dean Swift</span> was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the +antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too +freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with +De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished; +"And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece +of that <i>D—umpling</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCCCXCV.—ERROR IN JUDGMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person. +"It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for +he says that you are a charlatan."—"O," replied the other, "I think it +very likely that <i>both of us</i> may be mistaken."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXCVI.—THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A mechanic</span> his labor will often discard,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If the rate of his pay he dislikes:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But a clock—and its case is uncommonly hard—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Will continue to work though it <i>strikes</i>!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCCCXCVII.—THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A youth</span> had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span> rich friend, who had +concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the +youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to +borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not +<i>deceive</i> me twice."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXCVIII.—A SPEAKING CANVAS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they +never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True," +answered he; "for the best will always <i>praise</i> themselves."</p> + +<h4>MCCCXCIX.—INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span>, writing in the <i>Edinburgh Review</i>, says, "If the English +were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to +<i>dig</i> and <i>plough</i>, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the +<i>better for it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCD.—OCULAR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Taylor</span> says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married +a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the +conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances +he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."—"No wonder," +said I, "you were fond of a <i>Leer</i> when you married an <i>Ogle</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDI.—ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE REGENT +AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Ye</span> politicians, tell me, pray,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Why thus with woe and care rent?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This is the worst that you can say,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Some wind has blown the wig away,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And left the <i>Hair Apparent</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDII.—AN APT REPROOF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wesley</span>, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in +the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span> Governor of Georgia, with whom he +sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General +immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met +with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I +drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this +villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on +board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand +and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The +rascal should have taken care how he used me, for <i>I never +forgive</i>."—"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him, +"<i>you never sin</i>." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and +putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he +threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave +better for the future."</p> + +<h4>MCDIII.—THE LAME BEGGAR.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">I am</span> unable," yonder beggar cries,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"To <i>stand or move</i>." If he says true, he <i>lies</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDIV.—HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Holland</span>, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral +ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a +snug family vault we have made here."—"<i>Family vault</i>!" said Foote, +with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family +<i>oven</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDV.—PRETTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hope</span> is the dream of those who are awake.</p> + +<h4>MCDVI.—NOT IMPROBABLE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked +by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and +crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the +attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs +lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied, +"<i>Perhaps they took no physic</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCDVII.—SOUGHT AND FOUND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Three</span> conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along +the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a +mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one; +"Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob," +cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the +old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his +father's <i>asses</i>, and lo! here I have found them."</p> + +<h4>MCDVIII.—NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, does it always rain in this hanged place,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?"<br /></span> +<span class="i6">"No, please your grace,"<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Cried Boniface,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">With some grimace,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"<i>Sometimes it snows</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDIX.—A REMARKABLE ECHO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late +Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr. +Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his +charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its +lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a +remarkable <i>echo in the court</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCDX.—A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, +and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom +she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have +I not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, +with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you +not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my +company?"—"Exactly so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call +<i>him</i> an actor."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCDXI.—A PERTINENT QUESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Franklin</span> was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of +atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by +another, "What is the <i>use</i> of a new-born infant?"</p> + +<h4>MCDXII.—A SOPORIFIC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A prosy</span> orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his +speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should +never quarrel with <i>the effect</i> of his own medicine."</p> + +<h4>MCDXIII.—THE AMENDE HONORABLE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Quoth</span> Will, "On that young servant-maid<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My heart its life-string stakes."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She pays for <i>all she breaks</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDXIV.—ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A painter</span>, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to +represent two men,—one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had +lost one. He painted the former with a <i>shirt on</i>, and the latter +<i>naked</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCDXV.—MILITARY ELOQUENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of +the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his +soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows, +go and <i>clothe</i> yourselves."</p> + +<h4>MCDXVI.—CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy. +During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before +him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and +whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his +conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"—"Suppose I do; what of +that? If your Highness of York wishes to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span> well, let me tell you," +added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in +his campaigns, <i>cut off the supplies</i>, and the enemy will quickly leave +the citadel."</p> + +<h4>MCDXVII.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> proverb says, and no one e'er disputes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Nature the shoulder to the burden suits";<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDXVIII.—A FOWL JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A City</span> policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the <i>hens</i> (<i>N</i>) +division. "Do you mean in the <i>Poultry</i>?" asked the Judge.</p> + +<h4>MCDXIX.—AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Irish</span> Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On +one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was +his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards +in London, and talking of his <i>great expenses</i>, he asked the ex-Master +of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his +last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a <i>fortnight</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXX.—OLD FRIENDS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Coleman</span>, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes," +replied the wit; "<i>Hook</i> and <i>eye</i> are old associates."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXI.—A REASON.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I wish</span> you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you +there," was the answer. "Why?"—"Because I never wish <i>to see you +again</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCDXXII.—HONOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large +sum of money as a reward to him who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span> should first drive a fascine into a +ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers +offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "<i>We +should have all offered</i>," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money +<i>had not been set as the price of this action</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXIII.—JUST AS WONDERFUL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you +ever see a <i>cat-fish</i>?"—"No," was the response, "but I've seen a +<i>rope-walk</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXIV.—CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a +friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."—"Just +like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"—"<i>My +wife</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXV.—QUESTION ANSWERED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> idiot W—— coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where +is my fellow?"—"<i>Not in England</i>, I'll swear," said a bystander.</p> + +<h4>MCDXXVI.—VERY LIKELY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "<i>Cheap</i> +defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's <i>half-pay</i>,—nothing a-day +and find yourself."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXVII.—INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Died</span> suddenly,—surprised at such a rarity!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Verdict,—Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDXXVIII.—A GRUNT.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Doctor</span>, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother +very entertaining."—"Sir," said Johnson, "<i>I can wait</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXIX.—ONE FAULT.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">She</span> is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span> of one well +known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her <i>only</i> +defect."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXX.—TO THE "COMING" MAN.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Smart</span> waiter, be contented with thy state,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The world is his who best knows how to wait.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDXXXI.—NOTHING TO BOAST OF.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun +never sets."—"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the +<i>tax-gatherer</i> never goes to bed."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXXII.—COLONIAL BREWERIES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">What</span> two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event +more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its +<i>first brewhouse?</i>—S.S.</p> + +<h4>MCDXXXIII.—A CLOSER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door +of a house, "Let <i>nothing</i> enter here but what is <i>good</i>."—"Then where +will <i>the master</i> go in?" asked a cynic.</p> + +<h4>MCDXXXIV.—THE FOOL OR KNAVE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thy</span> praise or dispraise is to me alike;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">One doth not <i>stroke</i> me, nor the other <i>strike</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDXXXV.—KNOWING HIS MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his +way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, +said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"—"No," replied the +baron; "whom did <i>he rob</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCDXXXVI.—A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad +causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many <i>good</i> ones, +that I am quite at a loss which to take."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCDXXXVII.—SELF-APPLAUSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they +are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for +approbation.—S.S.</p> + +<h4>MCDXXXVIII.—A WOODEN JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Burke</span> said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy <i>oak</i> at Westminster, and a +<i>willow</i> at St James's."</p> + +<h4>MCDXXXIX.—AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A scholar</span> having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a +tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. +"Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the +<i>tide</i> tarrieth for no man."</p> + +<h4>MCDXL.—THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A dramatic</span> author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as +reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more +terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and <i>hear +it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXLI.—ALL THE SAME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, +as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and +thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book +him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing +intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places +left, so I booked you <i>one in</i> and <i>one out</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXLII.—THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">I shall</span> not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of +the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come," +said he, "for your good—<i>for all your goods</i>."—"A universal +principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other +truths, only <i>told by mistake</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCDXLIII.—DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Shield</span>, while the supplicating poor<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Ask thee for <i>meat</i> with piteous moans;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">More humble I approach thy door,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And beg for nothing but thy <i>bones</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDXLIV.—COOKING HIS GOOSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the +awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his +tailor's <i>fault</i>."—"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his <i>misfortune</i> +too!"</p> + +<h4>MCDXLV.—TAKE WARNING!</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A barrister</span> who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to +claim the <i>coat</i> upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, +he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my <i>coat</i>, I should, too +late, find that I was deprived of my <i>waistcoat</i> also."</p> + +<h4>MCDXLVI.—"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hood</span> says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its <i>broad brim</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXLVII.—CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. A——</span>, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the +landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges +were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I <i>pass</i> +this account; if I live, I'll <i>examine it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXLVIII.—ON A SQUINTING POETESS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> no <i>one</i> muse does she her glance confine,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But has an eye, at once, to <i>all the nine</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDXLIX.—A NEAT SUGGESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Welsh</span> judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his +neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As +you have asked the Ministry<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span> for everything else, ask them for a piece +of <i>soap</i> and a <i>nailbrush</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDL.—SCOTCH "WUT."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well +into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that +inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in +the North, and which, under the name of <i>Wut</i>, is so infinitely +distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated +intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love +metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance +in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my +lord, is very true of love in the <i>aibstract</i>, but——" Here the +fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.</p> + +<h4>MCDLI.—WHERE IT CAME FROM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face +and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the +glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get +<i>such a nose</i> as this?"—"Out of the <i>decanter, madam</i>," replied the +doctor.</p> + +<h4>MCDLII.—QUIN AND CHARLES I.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span> sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of +Charles I.,—"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?" +Quin replied, "By all the <i>laws</i> that he had <i>left them</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLIII.—TIMELY FLATTERY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was +between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch, +madam, makes us <i>remember</i> the hours, and you make us <i>forget</i> them."</p> + +<h4>MCDLIV.—EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> gull the public two contractors come,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">One pilfers corn,—the other cheats in rum.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A rogue in <i>spirit</i>, or a rogue in <i>grain</i>?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDLV.—TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A traveller</span>, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone <i>through +Euclid</i>, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a <i>small village</i> +between Wigan and Preston.</p> + +<h4>MCDLVI.—AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Frenchman</span>, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of +saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress +was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is +de <i>pink</i> of beauty."—"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always +flatter."—"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world +will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de <i>drab</i> of +fashion."</p> + +<h4>MCDLVII.—A CLOSE TRANSLATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B——, a translator of +Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of +your translation is, that <i>in places where I do not understand Juvenal, +I likewise do not understand you</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLVIII.—NEW RELATIONSHIP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A stranger</span> to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother," +expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are +brothers,—<i>brothers-in-law</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLIX.—ONLY A NINEPIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of +boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were +facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus +designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of +Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, +which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox, +entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of +Sheridan what the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span> House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence," +replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of <i>Lord Lonsdale's +ninepins</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLX.—DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE +COMPOSER.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Son</span> of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And for to-morrow's <i>treat</i> pray send thy <i>bones</i>!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDLXI.—DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was +present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was +referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion +that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to +the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know +what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True, +sir; and when we see a very foolish <i>fellow</i>, we don't know what to +think of <i>him</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXII.—A PROFESSIONAL AIM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the +other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that +had his friend been engaged with a <i>client</i> he would very probably have +<i>hit his pocket</i>.</p> + +<h4>MCDLXIII.—FLYING COLORS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Godfrey Kneller</span> latterly painted more for profit than for praise, +and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors, +which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend, +noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir +Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"—"Say!" +replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller <i>never</i> +painted them!"</p> + +<h4>MCDLXIV.—AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A pompous</span> fellow made a very inadequate offer for a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span> valuable property; +and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he +had <i>entertained his proposition</i>. "No," replied the other, "your +proposition <i>entertained me</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXV.—UNION OF OPPOSITES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A phrenologist</span> remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and +benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that +doubtless those were the persons <i>who would kill one with kindness</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXVI.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On ——'s Veracity.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">He</span> boasts about the truth I've heard,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And vows he'd never break it;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Why, zounds, a man <i>must</i> keep his word<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When nobody will take it.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDLXVII.—AN UNTAXED LUXURY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax +on "<i>the single state</i>"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old +bachelor, "as on all other <i>luxuries</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXVIII.—A DEAR SPEAKER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on +the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his +maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, <i>my dear</i> Mr. +Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had +subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was +perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days <i>everything +is dear</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXIX.—ABSURDLY LOGICAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A mad</span> Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and +is, therefore, of <i>greater</i> importance than any other <i>mad person</i> of +the same degree in life.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCDLXX.—PROOF POSITIVE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A chemist</span> asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a +gentleman present, "there is a <i>bitter</i> cold day."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXI.—PLAYER, OR LORD.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general +murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not +distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity +'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should <i>be a player</i>!" +Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what +would your lordship have me be?—a lord?"</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXII.—IN MEMORIAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Soyer</span> is gone! Then be it said,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At last, indeed, great <span class="smcap">Pan</span> is dead.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDLXXIII.—PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sergeant Prime</span> had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, +was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the +road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the +sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant +replied in the negative. "I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, "yer +<i>ploughshare</i> saved ye!"</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXIV.—A SHARP BRUSH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, +desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, +and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who +combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and +painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."—"Did you?" +said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure, +have known you were a Fox by your <i>brush</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCDLXXV.—NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of +Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one +day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl +called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."—"Do ye ken," said +Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"—"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil +do ye ken <i>whether this be the road or no</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXVI.—PICKING POCKETS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">These</span> beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Are ruinous,—down with the growers of malt!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis nurtured in crime,—'tis concocted in plunder;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I saw a rogue <i>picking a pocket</i> of hops."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDLXXVII.—HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A wag</span>, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great +resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that +the prophet is disposed to <i>husband his resources</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXVIII.—SMOOTHING IT DOWN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A client</span> remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very +rough paper, sir."—"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has +to be <i>filed</i> before it comes into court."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXIX.—MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action +for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put +his arm round the waist of Miss D——, which had provoked the defendant +to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that +<i>waist</i> for <i>common</i>?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCDLXXX.—A HOPELESS INVASION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Bridport</span>, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in +1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part, +he could only say that they should not <i>come by water</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXXI.—DROLL TO ORDER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ——, tell us a +lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of +the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are +such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you," +replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged <i>to eat fire</i> at the +Countess of ——, and <i>stand upon my head</i> at Mrs. ——."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXXII.—MEN OF WEIGHT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> fat men ride, they tire the horse,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And if they walk themselves—that's worse:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Travel at all, they are at best,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Either oppressors or opprest.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDLXXXIII.—CHEMICAL ODDITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">While</span> an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a +blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the +difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he; +"by oxygin we mean pure <i>gin</i>; and by hydrogin, <i>gin and water</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXXIV.—AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span> used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the +principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's <i>poor +relations</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXXV.—HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Macaulay</span>, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful +of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to +a gaping audience.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span> Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to +find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming +with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a +good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this +way."—"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at +the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to <i>sing, +guv'ner</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXXVI.—DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A veteran</span> Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring +chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, +was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he +who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a +short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,—but my curses +rest upon my son <i>if ever he does</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXXVII.—A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Whether</span> tall men or short men are best,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or bold men, or modest and shy men,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I can't say, but this I protest,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All the fair are in favor of <i>Hy-men</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MCDLXXXVIII.—A DEAR BARGAIN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span> was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent +young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I +am?"—"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be <i>almost +as foolish</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MCDLXXXIX.—SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron</span> was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury +Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "<i>Maid +and the Magpie</i>" exceedingly natural. "I really am no <i>judge</i>," answered +his lordship, "I was never <i>innocent</i> of stealing a spoon."</p> + +<h4>MCDXC.—NO INTRUSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A loquacious</span> author, after babbling some time about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span> his piece to +Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your +attention."—"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of +<i>something else</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXCI.—EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A merchant</span> being asked to define the meaning of <i>experimental</i> and +<i>natural</i> philosophy, said he considered the <i>first</i> to be asking a man +to discount a bill at a long date, and the <i>second</i> his refusing to do +it.</p> + +<h4>MCDXCII.—NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his +disgraceful situation, and the <i>anxiety</i> of a debtor being urged by them +in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a +person who <i>thinks</i> of paying."</p> + +<h4>MCDXCIII.—ODD HUMOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called +to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to +Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my +room. If I am <i>alive</i>, I shall be glad to see him; if I am <i>dead</i>, I am +sure that he will be delighted to see me."</p> + +<h4>MCDXCIV.—A TICKLISH OPENING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Henry Erskine</span> happening to be retained for a client of the name of +Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client, +the defendant, my lord,"—and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by +laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) +exclaimed, "<i>Tickle him yourself</i>, Harry; you are as able to do so as I +am."</p> + +<h4>MCDXCV.—THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hood</span> suggests that the phrase "<i>republic</i> of letters" was hit upon to +insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not +got a <i>sovereign</i> amongst them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MCDXCVI.—AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him +that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. +"But," says the other, "you find the report false."—"'Tis hard to +determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I +would <i>sooner take than yours</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXCVII.—SELF-CONDEMNATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in +an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not +worthy that the sun should shine on you."—"I am truly sensible of my +unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in +the <i>shade</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXCVIII.—AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span> having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on +some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in +a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to +his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "<i>but don't indorse my +sins upon their backs</i>."</p> + +<h4>MCDXCIX.—A PLUMPER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a +very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the +pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the +election, <i>for he had nobody's voice against him but his own</i>."</p> + +<h4>MD.—A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate +House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the +questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate +returned the following laconic answer: "An <i>exemption</i> from <i>Payne</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDI.—BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Quaker</span> (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for +relaxation, makes a <i>business</i> of his <i>pleasure</i>.</p> + +<h4>MDII.—INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span>, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he +had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if +such were the case?"—"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as +you have just been <i>tolled</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDIII.—A WALKING STICK.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man +protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that +the stick could never have walked off with itself."—"Certainly not, +sir, unless it was a <i>walking-stick</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDIV.—CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are +ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience. +The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was +walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent, +who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had +enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly +exclaimed the Duke; "but don't <i>keep me in the cold</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDV.—A REASON FOR BELIEF.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Do</span> you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney +Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the +moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ——, <i>who is so like +Judas</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDVI.—OPENLY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">No</span>, Varus hates a thing that's base;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I own, indeed, he's got a knack<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of flattering people to their face,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But scorns to do 't behind their back.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MDVII.—PAINTED CHARMS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Of</span> a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of +carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop +about her, with a notice upon it, '<i>Beware of the paint</i>.'"</p> + +<h4>MDVIII.—ON THE SPOT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on +the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a +<i>Grecian</i>."—"Pooh!" said the other, "that is <i>far-fetched</i>."—"No, +indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the <i>spot</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDIX.—MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to +the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller +objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and +demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these +emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be +obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I +know <i>my duty</i> as well as your lordship knows <i>your duty</i>. I stand here +as the advocate of a fellow citizen, <i>and I will not sit down</i>." The +judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.</p> + +<h4>MDX.—A SHUFFLING ANSWER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A fair</span> devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah! +madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;—in the +first place consider the <i>loss of time</i>."—"That's just what I do," said +she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in <i>shuffling and +dealing</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXI.—THE DEBT PAID.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> <i>John</i> I owed great obligation;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But <i>John</i>, unhappily, thought fit<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To publish it to all the nation:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sure <i>John</i> and I am more than quit.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MDXII.—A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">James Smith</span> one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his <i>At +Home</i>, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention. +At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and +pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what <i>does it all go to +prove</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MDXIII.—AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">General D——</span> was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for +the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain +occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings +he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to +prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the +general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts +filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having +previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub +your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water, +and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping +yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a +flesh-brush."—"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or +two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's +self."—"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "<i>it is open to that +objection</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXIV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">For</span> Buckingham to hope to pit<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Reform, when offered <i>bit</i> by <i>bit</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is but intended for a <i>bridle</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDXV.—A DREADFUL SUSPICION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson +asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor, +"and I should be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</a></span> loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know +deserves it, but I am afraid he is an <i>attorney</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXVI.—A FAMILIAR FRIEND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young +gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's +jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the +young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of +Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't +<i>clap him</i> on the back, and call him Howley."</p> + +<h4>MDXVII.—NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord North</span>, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did +not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason +for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his +lordship, "if I was as <i>deaf</i> as my brother, I would <i>subscribe too</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXVIII.—PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who +immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the +doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen +to afford you any relief, <i>please to let me know</i>, as I am myself +suffering from <i>a similar affection</i>, and have tried <i>in vain to cure +it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXIX.—TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lady Carteret</span>, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, +one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."—"Don't +say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do +they will certainly <i>tax</i> it."</p> + +<h4>MDXX.—FASHION AND VIRTUE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">What's</span> fashionable, I'll maintain<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is always right," cries sprightly Jane;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"What's <i>right</i> were fashionable too."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MDXXI.—PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much, +and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."—"Addison!" +echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"—"I can't say: +but this I know, he is seldom without his <i>Steel</i> by his side."</p> + +<h4>MDXXII.—WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A traveller</span> coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the +master of this house?"—"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been +<i>dead these three weeks</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXXIII.—PRECAUTIONARY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord John Russell</span>, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord +Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith +was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his +corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may +not <i>swallow John</i>! There are, however, <i>stomach-pumps</i> in case of +accident."</p> + +<h4>MDXXIV.—A LATE DISCOVERER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long +discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical +views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When +he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then, +sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not +<i>altogether a moral man</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXXV.—LINES TO O'KEEFE.</h4> + +<p class="center">(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6"><span class="smcap">They</span> say, O'Keefe,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Thou art a thief,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That half thy works are stolen or more;<br /></span> +<span class="i6">I say O'Keefe,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Thou art no thief,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Such stuff was never writ before!<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MDXXVI.—PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a +friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied +by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My <i>profession</i> is much better +than my <i>practice</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXXVII.—A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Reynolds</span>, the dramatist, once met a <i>free</i> and <i>easy</i> actor, who +told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the +Marquis and Marchioness of ——, <i>without any invitation</i>. He had gone +there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on <i>speaking +terms</i>, <i>each</i> would suppose the <i>other</i> had asked him, and so it turned +out.</p> + +<h4>MDXXVIII.—WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Judge Clayton</span> was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after +he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with +Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his +legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of +Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but +then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just +the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are +so very contradictory, that I protest <i>I don't understand +them</i>."—"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "<i>that is what we all say</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXXIX.—A MICHAELMAS MEETING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Samuel Taylor Coleridge</span> was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he +generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was +riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met +by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for +sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a <i>tailor</i> on +the road?"—"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little +further, I should meet a <i>goose</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDXXX.—A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> editor of the <i>Evangelical Observer</i>, in reference to a certain +person, took occasion to write that he was <i>rectus in ecclesia</i>, <i>i.e.,</i> +in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence, +converted it into <i>rectus in culina</i>, which although not very bad Latin, +altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman <i>a good +standing in the kitchen</i>.</p> + +<h4>MDXXXI.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(Upon the trustworthiness of —— ——.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">He'll</span> keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For what he says will never be believed.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDXXXII.—GOING TO EXTREMES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed +that "they began too late and ended too soon."</p> + +<h4>MDXXXIII.—SILENT APPRECIATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and +drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's +want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which +the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent +wine. "But you said nothing of <i>the first</i>" remarked his host "O," +replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. <i>It +spoke for itself.</i> I thought the second wanted a <i>trumpeter</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXXXIV.—JUSTICE MIDAS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A judge</span>, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into +a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"—"The ass, to be +sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge, +but a horse never."</p> + +<h4>MDXXXV.—A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</a></span> with two friends, +one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of <i>old</i> port."—"Waiter," +added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a +bottle of your <i>old</i> port, not your <i>elder</i> port."</p> + +<h4>MDXXXVI.—LAW AND PHYSIC.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a +friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."—"Why?" was the +response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor—<i>your money or your +life</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXXXVII.—EUCLID REFUTED.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">A part</span>," says Euclid, "one at once may see,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Unto the whole can never equal be";<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet W——'s speeches can this fact control,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of them a part is equal to the whole.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDXXXVIII.—KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Burke</span> once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let +Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had +the folly to <i>write</i> it, I had the wit to keep it <i>to myself</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXXXIX.—CLASSICAL WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Maginn</span> dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey +Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid, +in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'Semper tibi <i>pendeat hamus</i>,'<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>May you always have a <i>ham</i> hanging in your kitchen." The doctor +insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in +the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'Amant <i>te</i> omnes mulieres.'"<br /></span> +<span class="i6"><i>Miles Glor.,</i> Act i., sc. i., v. 58.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you +follow the old advice we both learned at school,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span> [Greek: Charizou tê +Psychê], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner, +which he thus eulogized:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'Hoc tum sævas paulatim mitigat iras,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Hoc minuit luctus mœstaque corda levat.'"<br /></span> +<span class="i8"><i>Ov. Trist.,</i> lib. iv., <i>el.</i> vi., v. 15, 16.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDXL.—A PREFERABLE WAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera +singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the +conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are +murdering the music!"—"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is +far better to murder it outright, than to keep on <i>beating it as you +do</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXLI.—A STOUT SWIMMER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his +arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him +overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough +to swim <i>to the other side</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXLII.—A CHOICE OF EVILS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> asked his friend, why he married so <i>little</i> a wife? "Why," said he, +"I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the <i>least</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXLIII.—RESTING HERSELF.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A laborer's</span> daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would +frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might +<i>rest her bones</i>. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late +mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones +yet?"—"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my +<i>jaw-bones</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXLIV.—A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A chartist</span> at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the +"five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as +good as another?"—"Uv<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</a></span> course he is," shouted an excited Irish +chartist, "and <i>a great deal betther</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXLV.—DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">My</span> dart," cried Death, "I cannot find,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">So now I'm quite at sea."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">There, take this recipe."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDXLVI.—AN EVASION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A well-dressed</span> fellow walked into a room where they were talking +politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a +loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll +show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical, +sir!"—"<i>You</i> are?"—"Yes, sir, I <i>am</i>!"—"Well, just you step round the +corner with me, and I'll <i>show you</i> a fellow who said I couldn't find a +radical in the ward. Ain't <i>he</i> a liar, I should like to know?"</p> + +<h4>MDXLVII.—GOING FROM THE POINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My +learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in +domestic use, commonly called an <i>extinguisher</i>. It began at a point, +and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the +question out altogether."</p> + +<h4>MDXLVIII.—DEFINING A CREED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span> of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the +witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion; +posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."</p> + +<h4>MDXLIX.—A BIT OF MOONSHINE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Brougham</span>, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it +was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May +be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though +it be, you would like to see the <i>first quarter</i> of it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDL.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> at the head of our most gracious king,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDLI.—A KIND HINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Grey</span> complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He +should follow the example of duellists, and by <i>going out</i> he would +certainly give <i>satisfaction</i>.</p> + +<h4>MDLII.—PRIEST'S ORDERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some +one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the +pit. "Probably clerks <i>who have taken Priest's orders</i>," said Mr. Poole, +one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists +of the day.</p> + +<h4>MDLIII.—SHERIDAN AND BURKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started +suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, +exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"—"I +hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the +camp as a <i>deserter</i>, he will not return as a <i>spy</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLIV.—ALWAYS THE BETTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Cambridge</span> tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket, +beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to +ruin."—"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far +from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been <i>the better</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLV.—A PUNGENT PINCH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish +tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: +"Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,—a deuse of a <i>pinch</i>, +Lundy!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDLVI.—"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An eminent</span> painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his +profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for +them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to +pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the +"<i>Saracen's Head</i>." It was paid for immediately.</p> + +<h4>MDLVII.—ON A GREAT TALKER.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Job himself scarcely patience could keep;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDLVIII.—DRY HUMOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents +of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about +being <i>very wet</i>, if I wasn't so <i>very dry</i>, your honor."</p> + +<h4>MDLIX.—CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new +dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and +inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will +be <i>change for a guinea</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLX.—AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just +seen the blackest man that ever was!"—"How black was he, my son?"—"O, +he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a +<i>white</i> mark on him!"</p> + +<h4>MDLXI.—A MAN AND A BROTHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harry Woodward</span>, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who +earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his +friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."—"He is either the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</a></span> +most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied +the comedian: "and, as <i>either one or the other, he has a brotherly +claim upon me</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXII.—PULLING UP A POET.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A poet</span> was once walking with T——, in the street, reciting some of his +verses. T—— perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed +him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, <i>he hears you</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXIII.—AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman +of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the +coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the +honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a +house like this!"—"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply, +"It's the <i>seventh</i> I have had, and every one in the room <i>knows it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXIV.—WITTY THANKSGIVING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Barham</span> having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the +present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many +thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure +and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and +bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman, +the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.—Ever +yours, <i>S.S.</i>"</p> + +<h4>MDLXV.—A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomson</span>, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend +entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far +spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae <i>nae motive</i>," +replied the poet.</p> + +<h4>MDLXVI.—KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for +his patients in all disorders. Having sailed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</a></span> one evening on a party of +pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who +had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had +heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last +night in his <i>own medicine chest</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXVII.—NOTHING SURPRISING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Lee</span>, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very +rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin +and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."—"Indeed," says the +captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the <i>right</i> of it. I +don't know what would <i>stay out</i> such a stormy night as this."</p> + +<h4>MDLXVIII.—RUNNING NO RISK.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">I'm</span> very much surprised," quoth Harry,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"That Jane a gambler should marry."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"I'm not at all," her sister says,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"You know he has such <i>winning ways</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDLXIX.—A HUMORIST PIQUED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span> was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one +occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter +surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and, +affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook +concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would <i>you</i> do to +anybody who treated you in such a manner?"—"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if +any man meddled with <i>my</i> tongue, I'd <i>lick</i> him!"</p> + +<h4>MDLXX.—NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A landed</span> proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate +with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he +said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke +replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be <i>no room for +yours</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDLXXI.—AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a +gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry +disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured +it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George +D—— was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't +know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a +great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but +then, you know, a man may be both."—"<i>So I see, sir</i>," said Cannon, +turning away.</p> + +<h4>MDLXXII.—ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">While</span> Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No generous patron would a dinner give.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Presented with a monumental bust.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He asked for bread, and he received a stone.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDLXXIII.—A WORD IN SEASON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Powell</span> the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister, +who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not +proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he +had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody <i>give him the +word</i>,—somebody give him the word!"</p> + +<h4>MDLXXIV.—"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Porson</span> was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst +of it, said, "Professor, <i>my opinion</i> of you is most +contemptible."—"Sir," returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an +<i>opinion</i> of yours that was <i>not contemptible</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXXV.—A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition, +professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</a></span> A gentleman present +observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head, +and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor, +undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when <i>he was a boy</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXXVI.—"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Cantab</span>, one day observing a <i>ragamuffin-looking</i> boy scratching his +head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was +begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are +picking them out, are you?"—"<i>Nah, sar</i>," retorted the urchin; "I +<i>takes</i> 'em as they come!"</p> + +<h4>MDLXXVU.—A CLIMAX.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a +deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a +good man, an excellent man. He had the best <i>melted butter</i> I ever +tasted in my life."</p> + +<h4>MDLXXVIII.—BLANK CARTRIDGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Epigram</span> on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and +Francis Jeffrey:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A reverse he displayed in his vapor,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For while all his poems were loaded with lead,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His pistols were loaded with paper.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Such a <i>salvo</i> he should not abuse;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Which is fired away at <i>Reviews</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDLXXIX.—SERMONS IN STONES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob, +continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly. +"Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said +A'Beckett, "seeing that <i>no pains have been spared</i> to convince him of +them."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDLXXX.—EARLY HABITS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the +condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of +his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything +with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly +escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered, +"My lord, you had better take your <i>trowel</i> to it."</p> + +<h4>MDLXXXI.—LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader +graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the +hero questions the <i>Witches</i>, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a +deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment +directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching, +however, the words in the play, repeated, "A <i>deed</i> without a <i>name</i>! +why, 't is <i>void</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXXXII.—NOT TO BE BELIEVED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted +to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the +postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Whoe'er would learn a fact from you,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Must take you by contraries;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">What you deny, <i>perhaps</i> is true;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But nothing that you <i>swear</i> is.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDLXXXIII.—A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with +marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened +a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to <i>get +a good one</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXXXIV.—BYRON LIBELLOUS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore +compared it to a potato, "because it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</a></span> shoots from the eyes."—"Or +rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by <i>pairing</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDLXXXV.—A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at +the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The +doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: <i>you</i>, sir, +might have been born a wit!"</p> + +<h4>MDLXXXVI.—ATTIRED TO TIRE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Joseph Jekyll</span> wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain +sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of +King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Behold the sergeant full of fire,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Long shall his hearers rue it;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His purple garments <i>came from Tyre</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His arguments <i>go to it</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDLXXXVII.—A SMALL JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Dale</span>, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his +employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his +master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter +day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had +fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt, +grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "<i>Nae +great length</i>, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh," +said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."—"I wunner whaur +<i>that</i> is," said Matthew.</p> + +<h4>MDLXXXVIII.—A VAIN THREAT.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Mr. Brown</span>, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"—"I shall not be +frightened then, for I never knew you to <i>pay</i> anything that you owe."</p> + +<h4>MDLXXXIX.—POOR LAW.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</a></span> Kenyon, "what do you +think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"—"Let him +spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he +has <i>not got a shilling</i> in the world, let him attack the law." Such was +the advice of an old Chief Justice.</p> + +<h4>MDXC.—CAUSE AND EFFECT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about +the "<i>cause</i> of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are +evidently looking more after the <i>effects</i>.</p> + +<h4>MDXCI.—A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the +combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on +going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the +men,—an Irishman,—devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very +unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man +if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was +only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same +proportion <i>as the prize-money</i>,—the greatest part <i>among the +officers</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXCII.—SOMETHING SHARP.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> we heard —— say a thing of some acidity the other night in the +House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with +a lemon in it.—G. A'B.</p> + +<h4>MDXCIII.—AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A namesake</span> of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter +inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No," +was his reply, "I make a point of never attending <i>rehearsals</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MDXCIV.—A SIMILE.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Vane's</span> speeches to an hour-glass,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Do some resemblance show;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Because the longer time they run,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The shallower they grow!<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[Pg 345]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MDXCV.—A WIDE DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Rowland Hill</span> rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous +health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician +and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My +physician has always been a <i>horse</i>, and my apothecary an <i>ass</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MDXCVI.—ASPIRING POVERTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Roman</span> Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish +designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "<i>very</i> large, <i>very</i> +handsome, and <i>very</i> cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very +poor; in fact, having only £——."—"Say <i>thirty shillings</i> more," +replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"</p> + +<h4>MDXCVII.—A TENDER SUGGESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A beggar</span> in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy +gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly +replied, "I wish your honor's <i>heart was as tender as your toes</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDXCVIII.—SUDDEN FREEDOM.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A nation</span> grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and +the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set +the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.—S.S.</p> + +<h4>MDXCIX.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thy</span> flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Only in this, that you both painted be.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDC.—ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the +spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O, +ma'am, because such <i>very fat people used to go through</i>" (a reply +concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish +it can have no perception of real wit").<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[Pg 346]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDCI.—THE SUN IN HIS EYE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Plunkett</span> had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation +Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I +wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett <i>cannot see</i> the +imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"—"Pooh! pooh!" said +Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has <i>the sun (son) in his eye</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCII.—A BRIGHT REJOINDER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty +urchin" said, "My honey, all the <i>polish</i> you have is upon your boots +and I gave you that."</p> + +<h4>MDCIII.—WELL TURNED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the +reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, +on the ground that he was <i>cabinet-making</i>. The chancellor maliciously +disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an +occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a +<i>turner</i> or a <i>joiner</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCIV.—A QUICK LIE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A conceited</span> coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish +laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you +can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."—"By my word," said +Pat, "an' yer honor's a <i>gintleman</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MDCV.—A MERRY THOUGHT.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">They</span> cannot be complete in aught<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Who are not humorously prone;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A man without a merry thought<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Can hardly have a funny bone.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCVI.—AN IMPUDENT WIT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hook</span> one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention +directed to a very pompous gentleman, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[Pg 347]</a></span> strutted along as if the +street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to +the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,—<i>are +you anybody in particular</i>?" Before the astonished magnifico could +collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, +Hook had passed on.</p> + +<h4>MDCVII.—WEARING AWAY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A schoolmaster</span> said of himself: "I am like a <i>hone</i>, I sharpen a number +of <i>blades</i>, but I wear myself in doing it."</p> + +<h4>MDCVIII.—A PERTINENT QUESTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Judge Jeffreys</span>, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who +was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my +cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "<i>At which end</i>, my lord?"</p> + +<h4>MDCIX.—A BASE JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the +<i>lowest</i> of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the +<i>foundation</i> of all wit."</p> + +<h4>MDCX.—A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord North's</span> good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him +when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver +minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one +occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, +"Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"—"I wish <i>I +was</i>," suddenly interposed the weary minister.</p> + +<h4>MDCXI.—ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Begot</span> by butchers, but by bishops bred,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">How high his honor holds his haughty head!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCXII.—NOT FINDING HIMSELF.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">How</span> do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as +he met him going in dinner costume to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[Pg 348]</a></span> the city. "Thank you," he +replied, "the Lord Mayor <i>finds me</i> to-day."</p> + +<h4>MDCXIII.—A WITTY PROPOSITION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span>, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room +as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. +Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a +droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman <i>move</i> that I +may take the <i>chair</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MDCXIV.—A WARM MAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied +that he kept a <i>hot-house</i>.</p> + +<h4>MDCXV.—LONG AGO.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed +by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time," +he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had <i>no tongue</i>."—"Yes," said +the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very <i>very long</i> since!"</p> + +<h4>MDCXVI.—AN UNLIKELY RESULT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the +lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him +"suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, +"Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but +whensoever so I do, <i>then thrust me out of your doors</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXVII.—POLITICAL LOGIC.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> two decided negatives will make<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Together one affirmative, let's take<br /></span> +<span class="i0">P——t's and L——t's, each a rogue <i>per se</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who by this rule an honest pair will be.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCXVIII.—A WISE DECISION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> going to take water at Whitehall stairs,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[Pg 349]</a></span> cried out, as he +came near the place, "Who can swim?"—"I, master," said forty bawling +mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after +him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"—"Then +you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least <i>take care +of me for your own sake</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXIX.—A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scottish</span> minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of +his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could +not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little +he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, +"I should like to know who is the head of this house?"—"Weel, sir," +said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able +to tell ye, for we're <i>just trying to settle that point</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXX.—A POOR LAUGH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span> was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was +familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never +comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned +counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend," +said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh +without a joke is like—is like—"—"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the +judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a +<i>contingent remainder</i> without any particular <i>estate</i> to support it."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXI.—AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney +Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I +hope you will not <i>disagree</i> with the man who eats you!"</p> + +<h4>MDCXXII.—MATRIMONY.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">My</span> dear, what makes you always yawn?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">"Is home so dull and dreary?"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[Pg 350]</a></span> +<span class="i0">"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But man and wife are <i>one</i>, you know;<br /></span> +<span class="i6">And when <i>alone</i> I'm weary!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCXXIII.—DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he +could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening +his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the +advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of +Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the +least thirsty."—"It <i>is</i> very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for +every one agrees that was the <i>driest</i> speech of the session."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXIV.—SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"—and the water, "put naught in, +in malice."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXV.—A JURY CASE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused +by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of +resuming <i>nisi prius</i> business, said: "I had been under full sail to +fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I +have been only bearing up under <i>jury</i>-masts."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXVI.—SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Alvanley</span>, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the +hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the +encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My +Lord, I only took you to—" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend, +the guinea is for <i>bringing me back</i>, not for taking me out."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXVII.—"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A dying</span> miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will +dictate particulars."—"I give and I bequeath,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[Pg 351]</a></span> commenced the man of +law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I +will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."—"Well, then," +suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I +<i>lend</i>, until the last day?'"—"Yes, yes, <i>that will do</i>," eagerly +rejoined the miser.</p> + +<h4>MDCXXVIII.—AN ENDLESS TASK.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Who</span> seeks to please all men each way,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And not himself offend,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He may begin his work to-day,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But who knows when he'll end?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCXXIX.—PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Miss Kelly</span> standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of +punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and +solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the +demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew +who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the <i>drama</i>, if we don't +encourage one another."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXX.—A CELESTIAL VISION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span>, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than +men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of +Nature, madam; we always see more of <i>heaven than earth</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXI.—DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, +being about to compile a history of distinguished families in +Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith <i>arms</i>. "I regret, +sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so +valuable a work; but <i>the Smiths</i> never had any <i>arms</i>, and have +invariably sealed their letters with their <i>thumbs</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXII.—UNCIVIL WARNING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A celebrated</span> professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and +silly chatterer, was asked to help<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[Pg 352]</a></span> her to the usual concomitant of +boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,—<i>fatal +to parrots</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXIII.—AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him +for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a +bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North +Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and +liberal mind, and you know that I cannot <i>help coming from +Scotland</i>."—"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "<i>no more</i> can the rest +of your countrymen."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXIV.—DONE FOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in +a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what +it's for."—"Done," said the other. "<i>It is for sale</i>." The bet was +paid.</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXV.—A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Thomas Hood</span> says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. <i>Pints</i> +cannot be deemed <i>pot</i>ations."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXVI.—THE DOG TAX.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Brown</span> drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has +the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold +remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about +town?"—"No."—"Well, they say that Jones <i>pays the dog-tax for you</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXVII.—A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hood</span> described a good church minister as "Piety <i>parsonified</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXVIII.—A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an +attorney, was complaining of the great expense<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span> of a funeral cavalcade +in the country. "Why, do you <i>bury</i> your attorneys here?" asked Foote. +"Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"—"O, we never do that in +London."—"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage, +then?"—"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room +over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the +morning he is gone."—"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; +"what becomes of him?"—"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know +is, there's <i>a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXXXIX.—THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose +nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are +always making observations upon <i>my nose</i>; perhaps you think it was made +at the <i>expense</i> of yours."</p> + +<h4>MDCXL.—A YOKSHIRE BULL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Yorkshire</span> clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely +remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy <i>sight</i> it +would be!"</p> + +<h4>MDCXLI.—A ONE-SIDED JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> requested her husband's permission to wear <i>rouge</i>. "I can give +you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for <i>one</i> cheek."</p> + +<h4>MDCXLII.—TWO CURES FOR AGUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Blomfield</span>, when presiding over the diocese of London, had +occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity +of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, +after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the +residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible +for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known +preservatives against ague; the one is, a <i>good deal of care</i> and a +<i>little port wine</i>; the other, a <i>little care</i> and a <i>good deal of port +wine</i>. I prefer the former; but if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span> any of the clergy prefer the +<i>latter</i>, it is at all events a remedy which <i>incumbents</i> can afford +better than <i>curates</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXLIII.—A QUESTION OF DESCENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Yorkshire</span> nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, +said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with +proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with +William the Conqueror?"—"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon, +"they <i>found mine here</i> when they comed."</p> + +<h4>MDCXLIV.—PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A laird's</span> eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to +send the young laird abroad."—"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird +answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will +no the world see <i>him</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MDCXLV.—A RULE OF PRACTICE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for +himself without a <i>fee</i>, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea +out of one pocket and put it <i>into the other</i>.</p> + +<h4>MDCXLVI.—WITS AGREEING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a <i>pert</i> young fellow +asked him what he would give to be as <i>young</i> as he. "I would be +content," cried Foote, "to be as <i>foolish</i>." Jerrold made a similar +reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. +"Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your +stomach."</p> + +<h4>MDCXLVII.—LITERARY PASTIME.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Once</span> a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many +things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a +dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in +counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after +destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave +it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span> up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I <i>can't</i> make him."—"Nay, +Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done +more; instead of one pig, you have made a <i>litter</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXLVIII.—A FREE TRANSLATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Manners</span>, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir +Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he +verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"—"No, my lord," said +Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors <i>change</i> +Manners.'"</p> + +<h4>MDCXLIX.—AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship +and marriage,—how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on +the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her +enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened +to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently +thought you better than <i>nun</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCL.—RECIPROCAL ACTION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to +prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth +open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is +<i>too short</i>, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."</p> + +<h4>MDCLI.—ACRES AND WISEACRES.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A wealthy</span> but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one +should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed +property."—"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a +<i>wise-acre</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MDCLII.—AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their +expenses, agreed the one to <i>board</i>, and the other to <i>lodge</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[Pg 356]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDCLIII.—A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Canning</span> and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: +the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen +struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the +elephant did not secure <i>an inside</i> place."—"He was too late, my +friend," replied Canning; "he was detained <i>packing up his trunk</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLIV.—COOL AS A CUCUMBER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the +Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the +embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and +insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly <i>cold</i> it was," +said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you +know he is the, Duke of <i>Cu-cum-ber-land</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLV.—AN AMPLE APOLOGY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span> at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors +commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a +good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who +resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied +the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, +for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, <i>I found it +there</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLVI.—FUNERAL INVITATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Boyle Roach</span> had a servant who was as great an original as his +master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a +gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the +purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have +taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master <i>sends his +compliments</i> to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."</p> + +<h4>MDCLVII.—A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span>, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span> discord under +his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play +elsewhere, as <i>one scraper at the door</i> was sufficient.</p> + +<h4>MDCLVIII.—COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A shopkeeper</span> at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the +<i>little rascal</i>. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been +given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, +"who are all <i>great rascals</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLIX.—GARTH AND ROWE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor Garth</span>, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the +Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning +conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom +very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain +of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in +a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked +constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he +desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a +valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince. +After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so +repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and +taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek +characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) <i>Fie! Rowe!</i> The poet was so +mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.</p> + +<h4>MDCLX.—A SECRET DISCOVERED.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">'T is</span> clear why Twister, wretched rat,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Always abuses in his chatter:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's truly such a thorough flat,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We can't expect to see him <i>flatter</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCLXI.—INTERESTED INQUIRY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a +distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "<i>I am in horrible +good health at present</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDCLXII.—A BEARABLE PUN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "<i>Bear</i> +sold here."—"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, +"if he means to apprise us that the article is his own <i>Bruin</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXIII.—CITY GLUTTON.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his +promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a +great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great +deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due +solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a +high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not +take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, +with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether +he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied +Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite <i>over</i> +your face."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXIV.—A PRETTY REPLY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Melbourne</span>, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely +remarked to Alexis Soyer, <i>chef de cuisine</i>, that his female assistants +were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "<i>plain</i> cooks will +not do here."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXV.—A CONVENIENT THEORY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the +hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a +hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts +down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private +concern, and what I gives is <i>nothing to nobody</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXVI.—BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dryden's</span> translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend +bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but +everything suffers by a <i>translation</i>,—except a <i>bishop</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDCLXVII.—PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Philip</span>, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the +simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House +of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord +Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he +was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, +"Honest man, you have no business here. <i>Honest man</i> you <i>can</i> have no +business <i>in this place</i>."—"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are +right; <i>honest men</i> can have no business here."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXVIII.—RIGID IMPARTIALITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span>, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the +<i>Edinburgh Review,</i> found him reading a book preparatory to writing an +account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?" +asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book <i>before</i> +reviewing it; <i>it prejudices one so</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXIX.—WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was +returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that +"there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke +of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent +and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the +interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him +to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan +only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and +intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; +though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would +give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's <i>entire</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXX.—A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when +sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference +between a <i>shilling</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span> and <i>sixpence</i>."—"But you will, young gentleman," +an old economist replied, "when you come to be <i>worth eighteen-pence</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXI.—A GRIM JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Daniel Defoe</span> said there was only this difference between the fates of +Charles the First and his son James the Second,—that the former's was a +<i>wet</i> martyrdom, and the other's a <i>dry one</i>.</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXII.—INSURANCE ASSURANCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer +from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in +the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices +put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found +that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these +admonitory words, "Let them <i>insure</i>, as they wish to be saved."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXIII.—GENUINE LAZINESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of +hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have +been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so +indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of +you."—"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself +at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O, +Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the +trouble of <i>putting it into my pocket</i> for me."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXIV.—CUTTING.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was +mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the +"scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXV.—GONE OUT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> calling one day on a gentleman at the west<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span> end of the town, +where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the +servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak +to your mistress."—"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not +willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would +step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is +<i>gone out</i> too," replied the girl.</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXVI.—A GOOD JUDGE.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Honesty</span> is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend, +for <i>I have tried baith</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXVII.—MR. CHARLES YORKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of +Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those +who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial +for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. +Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful +to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular +obligation to <i>you</i> for the <i>very remarkable countenance</i> you have +<i>shown</i> me upon this occasion."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXVIII.—THE SALIC LAW</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Is</span> a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry +from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXIX.—CHARLES JAMES FOX.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor +about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel +with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it +had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been +all over with me, if you had not charged with <i>government powder</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXX.—PREFERMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> the daly inquirers after the health of an aged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span> Bishop of D——m, +during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than +the Bishop of E——r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives +than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One +morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus +addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, +and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of +W——r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, <i>if that will +do</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXI.—COMPLIMENTARY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter +continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. +"Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm +<i>responsible</i> for the silver."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXII.—DR. DONNE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Donne</span>, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and +noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great +asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money +from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him: +"John Donne, Anne Donne, <i>undone</i>." This quibble had the desired effect, +and the distressed couple were restored to favor.</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXIII.—VULGARITY.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Walter Scott</span> once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of +something, that it was <i>vulgar</i>, gave the young lady the following +temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you +know, after all, the meaning of this word <i>vulgar</i>? 'Tis only <i>common</i>; +nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of +in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be +disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth +having or caring about in this world is <i>uncommon</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXIV.—AN EXPENSIVE JOB.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> passing a country church while under<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span> repair, observed to +one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why, +yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our +reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in +vain."—"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish +<i>to repentance</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXV.—PROSINESS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A prosy</span> old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a +stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really +thought he should have <i>died</i> with laughter."—"I wish to heaven you +had," was Jerrold's reply.</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXVI.—A PLEASANT MESSAGE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Bartleman</span>, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the +commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was +applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to +the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be +paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in +which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary +and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards +<i>to him</i>; and tell him how much we <i>missed him</i> during the festival!"</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXVII.—EXISTENCE OF MATTER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one +morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came +up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on +the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "<i>What's the +matter</i>?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, +"<i>No matter, Berkeley</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXVIII.—A SAUCY ANSWER.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Barrister</span> attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had +<i>brass</i> enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have +<i>sauce</i> enough to fill it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDCLXXXIX.—QUAINT EPITAPH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Fuller</span> having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for +him, received the following:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<i>Here lies Fuller's earth</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCXC.—AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Boyle Roach</span>, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal +invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord, +if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll <i>stay there all +night</i>." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked +his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the +reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes +<i>larger</i> than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them +<i>smaller</i> than the other!"</p> + +<h4>MDCXCI.—GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">An Irish</span> peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its +quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical +<i>naïveté</i>: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that <i>a +pig can require</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MDCXCII.—FARCICAL.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and +Water."—"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the +anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can +fire and water produce but a <i>hiss</i>?"</p> + +<h4>MDCXCIII.—TOO MUCH AT ONCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chesterfield</span> one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very +much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a +degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must <i>eat a peck of +dirt</i> before he dies."—"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no +one is obliged to eat it all <i>at one meal</i>, you dirty dog."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span></p> + +<h4>MDCXCIV.—EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<p class="center">(On Bishop ——'s Religion.)</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Though</span> not a Catholic, his lordship has,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCXCV.—POSSIBLE CENSORS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Cadogan</span> was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke +loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical +against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of +me."—"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was +present, "unless you know what people <i>say in the other world</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCXCVI.—A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the +difference between <i>exportation</i> and <i>transportation</i>. "Why, my dear," +he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, <i>you</i> +would be <i>exported</i>, and <i>I</i> should be <i>transported</i>!"</p> + +<h4>MDCXCVII.—DOUBLE SIGHT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed +person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have +lost," says the first; "I can see the <i>two</i> eyes in your face, and you +can see only <i>one</i> in mine."</p> + +<h4>MDCXCVIII.—WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has +not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt +illustrious."—"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an +O than our family; for, in truth, we <i>owe</i> everybody."</p> + +<h4>MDCXCIX.—A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Said</span> Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Get out of my way, do you hear?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm much <i>in your way</i> as I fear."<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span></div></div> + +<h4>MDCC.—A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting +Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself! +"Dine with me to-day,—dine with me to-day,—I will get Sydney Smith to +meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but +said, "<i>he was engaged with him elsewhere</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCCI.—A ROYAL JEST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A captain</span>, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the +rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance; +and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, +"Rather for the <i>steeple,</i>" replied the royal humorist.</p> + +<h4>MDCCII.—EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chesterfield</span>, being told that a certain termagant and scold was +married to a gamester, replied, "that <i>cards and brimstone</i> made the +best matches."</p> + +<h4>MDCCIII.—A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> reigning <i>bore</i> at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L——; his +favorite subject the <i>North Pole</i>. One day the arch tormentor met +Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole. +Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him, +exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L—— shortly +after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North +Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what +Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,—he respects nothing, +absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more +than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the +<i>Equator</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCCIV.—MULTIPLYING ONE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round +it at the French embassy, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span> saw myself reflected on every side. I +took it for a <i>meeting of the clergy</i>, and was delighted of course."</p> + +<h4>MDCCV.—AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> Julia was asked, if to church she would go,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For from grammar I learned <i>No</i> and <i>No</i> stood for <i>Yes</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<h4>MDCCVI.—THE RULING PASSION.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady's</span> beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn +out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist +rubbing her temples with Hungary water, <i>as it would make her hair +gray</i>!</p> + +<h4>MDCCVII.—INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A prisoner</span>, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning, +was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast +with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will <i>not +digest</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCCVIII.—SELF-INTEREST.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Those</span> who wish to tax anything containing <i>intelligence</i>, must be +actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they +are not likely to feel <i>the burden</i>.</p> + +<h4>MDCCIX.—ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Glasgow</span> professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, +and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "<i>It will be long +enough before I get another</i>," answered the student. The reply tickled +the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed +laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him +what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied +reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he +answered, <i>it will be a long time before I get another</i>."—"Well, +there's nothing very funny in that."—"Neither there is," said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span> the +professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have +been something in <i>the way he said it</i>."</p> + +<h4>MDCCX.—FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the +kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The +true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her +country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's +very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several +times <i>all over grease</i>!"—"They may tell you what they please above or +below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover +in my life!"—"Nay, now, that must be a <i>fib</i>," says Foote, "for I have +myself seen you at <i>Spithead</i>!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the +exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."</p> + +<h4>MDCCXI.—<i>L'Envoy</i>.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is so much genuine humor in the following jocular <span class="smcap">dinner code</span>, +that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.</p> + +<h4>DINNER CODE.</h4> + +<p class='center'><i>Of the Amphitryon.—His Rights.</i></p> + +<p>Art. 1.—The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as +long as the meal, and ends with it.</p> + +<p>Art. 2.—It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his +guests.</p> + +<p>Art. 3.—He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the +females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two, +which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.</p> + +<p class='center'><i>His Duties.</i></p> + +<p>Art. 1.—Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches +with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to +his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the +vigorous appetite.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_369" id="Page_369">[Pg 369]</a></span></p> + +<p>Art. 2.—He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.</p> + +<p>Art. 3.—He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale +jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his +best security against a violation of this <i>article</i>.</p> + +<p>Art. 4.—The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should +never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.</p> + +<p>Art. 5.—On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over +the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by +it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.</p> + +<p class='center'><i>Of the Guests.</i></p> + +<p>Art. 1.—The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at +whatever inconvenience to himself.</p> + +<p>Art. 2.—When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil +way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that +of which he has just partaken.</p> + +<p>Art. 3.—A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a +conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is +a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be +inconsiderately distracted.</p> + +<p>Art. 4.—Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even +in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a <i>dinde aux truffes</i>.</p> + +<p>Art. 5.—An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the +Amphitryon.</p> + +<p>Art. 6.—A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during +the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as +long as digestion.</p> + +<p>Art. 7.—To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the +person of his cook.</p> + +<p>Art. 8.—A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who +deserts.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370">[Pg 370]</a></span></p> + +<p class='center'><i>On Vicinity to Ladies.</i></p> + +<p>Art. 1.—He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her <i>cavaliere +servente</i>. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as +over his own.</p> + +<p>Art. 2.—The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in +the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey +the recommendations of her knight on this subject.</p> + +<p>Art. 3.—It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness +during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be +complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the +dessert.</p> + +<p class='center'><i>On Vicinity to Men.</i></p> + +<p>Art. 1.—When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each +other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,—the +<i>last</i> offer becomes an error after one refusal.</p> + +<p>Art. 2.—On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any +precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool +the plate in question for both parties.</p> + +<p>Art. 3.—If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast +must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.</p> + +<p>Art. 4.—Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to +converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them +is inviting the other to dinner.</p> + +<p>Art. 5.—Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more +wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each +other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"</p> + +<p class='center'><i>On Vicinity to Children.</i></p> + +<p>Single Article.—The only course to be pursued, if you have the +misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371">[Pg 371]</a></span> to make him tipsy as +quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.</p> + +<p class='center'><i>On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism.</i></p> + +<p>Art. 1.—The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the +articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his +gayety upon the people who sit round it.</p> + +<p>Art. 2.—By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine <i>à la +Russe</i>) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.</p> + +<p>Art. 3.—A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little +sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when +serving himself <i>last</i>, serve himself also the <i>best</i>.</p> + +<p>Art. 4.—Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to +some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly +for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,—merely out of +politeness to her.</p> + +<p>Art. 5.—The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing: +never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_373" id="Page_373">[Pg 373]</a></span></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_372" id="Page_372">[Pg 372]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="INDEX" id="INDEX"></a>INDEX.</h2> + +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">A. I,</span> <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li> +<li>Abbey Church at Bath, The, <a href="#Page_244">244</a></li> +<li> Bed of—Where?, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li> +<li>Abernethy, Mr., <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li> +<li>Above Proof, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li> +<li>Absent Man, An, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li> +<li>Absurdly Logical, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li> +<li>Acceptable Deprivation, An, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li> +<li>Accommodating, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li> +<li>Accommodating Physician, An, <a href="#Page_180">180</a></li> +<li>Accommodating Principles, <a href="#Page_153">153</a></li> +<li>Accurate Description, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li> +<li>Acres and Wiseacres, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li> +<li>Act of Justice, An, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li> +<li>Actor, <a href="#Page_222">222</a></li> +<li>Advantageous Tithe, An, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li> +<li>Advertisement, Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li> +<li>Advice Gratis, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li> +<li>Advice to a Dramatist, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li> +<li>Advice to the Young, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li> +<li>Affectation, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li> +<li>Affectionate Hint, An, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li> +<li>Aged Young Lady, The, <a href="#Page_235">235</a></li> +<li>Agreeable and not Complimentary, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li> +<li>Agreeable Practice, An, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li> +<li>Agricultural Experiences, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></li> +<li>Alere Flamman, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li> +<li>A-Liquid, <a href="#Page_140">140</a></li> +<li>Allegorical Representation, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li> +<li>All the Difference, <a href="#Page_5">5</a>, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li> +<li>All the Same, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li> +<li>Almanac-makers, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li> +<li>Alone in his Glory, <a href="#Page_14">14</a></li> +<li>Always the Better, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li> +<li>Amende Honorable, The, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li> +<li>American Penance, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li> +<li>Ample Apology, An, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li> +<li>Anecdote, An, <a href="#Page_86">86</a></li> +<li>Anglo-French Alliance, The, <a href="#Page_50">50</a></li> +<li>Angry Ocean, The, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li> +<li>Answered at Once, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li> +<li>Answering her According to her Folly, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li> +<li>Anticipated Calamity, An, <a href="#Page_349">349</a></li> +<li>Anticipation, <a href="#Page_110">110</a></li> +<li>Any Change for the Better, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li> +<li>Any Port in a Storm, <a href="#Page_57">57</a></li> +<li>Apish Resemblance, An, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li> +<li>Apt Reproof, An, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li> +<li>Arcadia, <a href="#Page_24">24</a></li> +<li>Arcadian, An, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li> +<li>Architectural Pun, An, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li> +<li>Argument, An, <a href="#Page_125">125</a></li> +<li>Artificial Heat, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li> +<li>Artistic Touch, An, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li> +<li>As Black as he could be painted, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li> +<li>Aspiring Poverty, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li> +<li>Assurance and Insurance, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li> +<li>As You Like It, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li> +<li>At his Fingers' Ends, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li> +<li>Attending to a Wish, <a href="#Page_169">169</a></li> +<li>Attic Jest, An <a href="#Page_69">69</a></li> +<li>Attired to Tire, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li> +<li>Audley, The Late Lord, <a href="#Page_130">130</a></li> +<li>Auricular Confession, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li> +<li>Awkward Orthography, <a href="#Page_298">298</a></li> +<li>"Aye! There's the Rub", <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Back-handed Hit, A</span>, <a href="#Page_209">209</a></li> +<li>Bacon, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li> +<li>Bad Bargain, A, <a href="#Page_131">131</a></li> +<li>Bad Company, <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li> +<li>Bad Crop, A, <a href="#Page_18">18</a>, <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li> +<li>Bad Customer, A, <a href="#Page_96">96</a></li> +<li>Bad End, A, <a href="#Page_153">153</a></li> +<li>Bad Example, A, <a href="#Page_1">1</a></li> +<li>Bad Habit, <a href="#Page_136">136</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_374" id="Page_374">[Pg 374]</a></span></li> +<li>Bad Harvest, A, <a href="#Page_23">23</a></li> +<li>Bad Judge, A, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li> +<li>Bad Label, A, <a href="#Page_92">92</a></li> +<li>Bad Lot, A, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li> +<li>Bad Medium, A, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li> +<li>Bad Pen, A, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></li> +<li>Bad Preacher, A, <a href="#Page_226">226</a></li> +<li>Bad Shot, A, <a href="#Page_12">12</a></li> +<li>Bad Sport, <a href="#Page_146">146</a></li> +<li>Balance, A, <a href="#Page_233">233</a></li> +<li>Balancing Accounts, <a href="#Page_66">66</a></li> +<li>Banker's Check, A, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li> +<li>Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, <a href="#Page_305">305</a></li> +<li>Bark and Bite, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li> +<li>Barry's Powers of Pleasing, <a href="#Page_34">34</a></li> +<li>Base Joke, A, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li> +<li>Base One, A, <a href="#Page_97">97</a></li> +<li>Bearable Pun, A, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li> +<li>Bear and Van, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li> +<li>Bearding a Barber, <a href="#Page_2">2</a></li> +<li>Benefit of Competition, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li> +<li>Best Judge, The, <a href="#Page_110">110</a></li> +<li>Best Wine, The, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li> +<li>Better Known than Trusted, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li> +<li>Betting, <a href="#Page_155">155</a></li> +<li>Bewick, the Engraver, <a href="#Page_194">194</a></li> +<li>Bill Paid in Full, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li> +<li>Billy Brown and the Counsellor, <a href="#Page_50">50</a></li> +<li>Birth of a Prince, The, <a href="#Page_178">178</a></li> +<li>Bishop and Churchwarden, A, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li> +<li>Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, <a href="#Page_55">55</a></li> +<li>Bit of Moonshine, A, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li> +<li>Black and White, <a href="#Page_19">19</a></li> +<li>Black Joke, A, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li> +<li>Black Letter, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li> +<li>Black Oils, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li> +<li>Blowing a Nose, <a href="#Page_55">55</a></li> +<li>Book Case, A, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li> +<li>Boswell's "Life of Johnson", <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li> +<li>Braham and Kenney, <a href="#Page_237">237</a></li> +<li>Bred on the Boards, <a href="#Page_162">162</a></li> +<li>Brevity, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li> +<li>Brevity of Charity, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li> +<li>Brief Correspondence, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li> +<li>"Brief Let It Be", <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li> +<li>Bright and Sharp, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li> +<li>Bright Rejoinder, A, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li> +<li>Bringing his Man Down, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li> +<li>Broad-brim Hint, A, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li> +<li>Broad Hint, A, <a href="#Page_85">85</a>, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li> +<li>Broad-Sheet Hint, A, <a href="#Page_75">75</a></li> +<li>Broken Head, A, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li> +<li>Brotherly Love, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li> +<li>Brutal Affections, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li> +<li>Budget of Blunders, A, <a href="#Page_141">141</a></li> +<li>Buried Worth, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li> +<li>Burke and Fox, <a href="#Page_258">258</a></li> +<li>Burke's Tediousness, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li> +<li>Business and Pleasure, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li> +<li>Busy Bodies, <a href="#Page_124">124</a></li> +<li>But one Good Translation, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li> +<li>Byron Libellous, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Cabal, A</span>, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li> +<li>Calculation, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li> +<li>Calculation, A, <a href="#Page_265">265</a></li> +<li>Caledonian Comfort, <a href="#Page_99">99</a></li> +<li>Calf's Head Surprised, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li> +<li>Caliban's Looking-glass, <a href="#Page_51">51</a></li> +<li>Calumny, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li> +<li>Cambridge Etiquette, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li> +<li>Candid Counsel, A, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li> +<li>Candid on both Sides, <a href="#Page_222">222</a></li> +<li>Candle and Lantern, The, <a href="#Page_125">125</a></li> +<li>Candor, <a href="#Page_73">73</a></li> +<li>Canine Poetry, <a href="#Page_169">169</a></li> +<li>Canning's Parasites, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li> +<li>Capital Joke, A, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li> +<li>Capital Letter, A, <a href="#Page_14">14</a></li> +<li>Cap This, <a href="#Page_26">26</a></li> +<li>Carrots Classically Considered, <a href="#Page_222">222</a></li> +<li>Cart before the Horse, The, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li> +<li>Case of Necessity, A, <a href="#Page_189">189</a></li> +<li>Cash Payments, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li> +<li>Catching him Up, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li> +<li>Cause and Effect, <a href="#Page_226">226</a>, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li> +<li>Cause of Absence, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li> +<li>Cause, The, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li> +<li>Cautious Lover, A, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li> +<li>Celestial Vision, A, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li> +<li>Certain Crop, A, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li> +<li>Certainly not Asleep, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li> +<li>Certainty, A, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li> +<li>Challenging a Jury, <a href="#Page_107">107</a></li> +<li>Change for a Guinea, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li> +<li>Change for the Better, A, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li> +<li>Changing Hats, <a href="#Page_280">280</a></li> +<li>Changing his Coat, <a href="#Page_3">3</a></li> +<li>Changing his Line, <a href="#Page_39">39</a></li> +<li>Characteristics, <a href="#Page_237">237</a></li> +<li>Charitable Wit, <a href="#Page_195">195</a></li> +<li>Charity and Inconvenience, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li> +<li>Charity begins at Home, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li> +<li>Charles, Duke of Norfolk, <a href="#Page_271">271</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_375" id="Page_375">[Pg 375]</a></span></li> +<li>Charles II. and Milton, <a href="#Page_192">192</a></li> +<li>Chartist not a Leveller, A, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li> +<li>Chatham, Lord, <a href="#Page_263">263</a></li> +<li>Cheap at the Money, <a href="#Page_209">209</a></li> +<li>Cheap Cure, A, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li> +<li>Cheap Watch, A, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li> +<li>Check to the King, <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li> +<li>Cheese and Dessert, <a href="#Page_21">21</a></li> +<li>Chemical Oddity, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li> +<li>Chesterfield, Lord, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li> +<li>Chin-Surveying, <a href="#Page_280">280</a></li> +<li>Choice of Evils, A, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li> +<li>Choice Spirits, <a href="#Page_180">180</a></li> +<li>Church in the Way, The, <a href="#Page_246">246</a></li> +<li>City Glutton, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li> +<li>City Love, <a href="#Page_36">36</a></li> +<li>City Varnish, A, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li> +<li>Claim on the Country, A, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li> +<li>Classical Wit, <a href="#Page_333">333</a></li> +<li>Claw and Claw, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li> +<li>Clear Case, A, <a href="#Page_122">122</a></li> +<li>Clear the Court, <a href="#Page_118">118</a></li> +<li>Clearing Emigrants, <a href="#Page_272">272</a></li> +<li>Clerical Wit, <a href="#Page_95">95</a></li> +<li>Clever Dog, A, <a href="#Page_47">47</a></li> +<li>Climax, A, <a href="#Page_19">19</a>, <a href="#Page_341">341</a></li> +<li>Clonmel, Lord, <a href="#Page_172">172</a></li> +<li>Close Escape, A, <a href="#Page_187">187</a></li> +<li>Close Translation, A, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li> +<li>Closer, A, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li> +<li>Coat-of-Arms, A, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li> +<li>Cockney Epigram, A, <a href="#Page_36">36</a></li> +<li>Cold Comfort, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li> +<li>"Cold" Compliment, A, <a href="#Page_73">73</a></li> +<li>Coleridge and Thelwall, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li> +<li>College Bell! The, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li> +<li>Collins, The late Mr., <a href="#Page_24">24</a></li> +<li>Colonial Breweries, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li> +<li>Colorable Excuse, A, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li> +<li>Colorable Resemblance, A, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li> +<li>Come of Age, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li> +<li>Comedian and a Lawyer, A, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></li> +<li>Common Case, A, <a href="#Page_64">64</a></li> +<li>Common Politeness, <a href="#Page_195">195</a></li> +<li>Common Want, A, <a href="#Page_219">219</a></li> +<li>Comparative Virtue, <a href="#Page_357">357</a></li> +<li>Comparison, A, <a href="#Page_152">152</a>, <a href="#Page_234">234</a>, <a href="#Page_273">273</a></li> +<li>Comparisons are Odious, <a href="#Page_2">2</a></li> +<li>Complimentary, <a href="#Page_4">4</a>, <a href="#Page_362">362</a></li> +<li>Compliment, Elegant, <a href="#Page_32">32</a></li> +<li>Compliment Ill-received, A, <a href="#Page_78">78</a></li> +<li>Computation, <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li> +<li>Conceited, but not Seated, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li> +<li>Con-cider-ate, <a href="#Page_139">139</a></li> +<li>Concurrent Events, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li> +<li>Conditional Agreement, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li> +<li>Confidence, <a href="#Page_103">103</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li> +<li>Confidence—taken from the French, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li> +<li>Confirmed Invalid, A, <a href="#Page_1">1</a></li> +<li>Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li> +<li>Conjugal Caution, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li> +<li>Conjugal Conclusion, A, <a href="#Page_282">282</a></li> +<li>Connoisseur, The, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li> +<li>Connubial Compliment, A, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li> +<li>Conservative Logic, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li> +<li>Considerable Latitude, <a href="#Page_44">44</a></li> +<li>Considerate Mayor, A, <a href="#Page_292">292</a></li> +<li>Considerate Son, A, <a href="#Page_89">89</a></li> +<li>Consistency, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li> +<li>Constancy, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li> +<li>Constitutional Pun, A, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li> +<li>Contraband Scotchman, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li> +<li>Convenient Theory, A, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li> +<li>Convert, A, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li> +<li>Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li> +<li>Cooking his Goose, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li> +<li>Cool as a Cucumber, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li> +<li>Cool Hand, A, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li> +<li>Cool Proposition, A, <a href="#Page_299">299</a></li> +<li>Cool Retort, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li> +<li>Corporation Politeness, <a href="#Page_219">219</a></li> +<li>Corruptly Incorruptible, <a href="#Page_172">172</a></li> +<li>Couleur de Rose, <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li> +<li>Coulson, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li> +<li>Credit, <a href="#Page_269">269</a></li> +<li>Critical Politeness, <a href="#Page_30">30</a></li> +<li>Criticising a Statue, <a href="#Page_152">152</a></li> +<li>Critics, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li> +<li>Cromwell, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li> +<li>Cruel Case, A, <a href="#Page_229">229</a></li> +<li>Cruel Suggestion, <a href="#Page_68">68</a></li> +<li>Cup and Saucer, <a href="#Page_200">200</a></li> +<li>Cut and Come Again, <a href="#Page_51">51</a></li> +<li>Cut Direct, The, <a href="#Page_124">124</a></li> +<li>Cut Infernal, The, <a href="#Page_103">103</a></li> +<li>Cutting, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li> +<li>Cutting an Acquaintance, <a href="#Page_253">253</a></li> +<li>Cutting his Coat, <a href="#Page_57">57</a></li> +<li>Cutting off the Supplies, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li> +<li>Cutting on both Sides, <a href="#Page_69">69</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Damped Ardor</span>, <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li> +<li>Dancing Prelates, The, <a href="#Page_226">226</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_376" id="Page_376">[Pg 376]</a></span></li> +<li>Dangerous Generalization, A, <a href="#Page_243">243</a></li> +<li>Dead Language, <a href="#Page_110">110</a></li> +<li>Deadly Weapon, A, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li> +<li>Dear Bargain, A, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li> +<li>Dear Speaker, A, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li> +<li>Death and Dr. Bolus, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li> +<li>Death-bed Forgiveness, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li> +<li>Debt Paid, The, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li> +<li>Debtor and Creditor, <a href="#Page_126">126</a></li> +<li>Decanting Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li> +<li>Defining a Creed, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li> +<li>Degeneracy, <a href="#Page_129">129</a></li> +<li>Delicate Hint, <a href="#Page_130">130</a></li> +<li>Delpini's Remonstrance, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li> +<li>Democratic Vision, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li> +<li>Deserved Retort, A, <a href="#Page_64">64</a></li> +<li>Destitution of the Smith Family, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li> +<li>Devil's Own, The, <a href="#Page_229">229</a></li> +<li>Dialogue, A, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li> +<li>Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, <a href="#Page_279">279</a></li> +<li>Dido, <a href="#Page_86">86</a></li> +<li>Difference, A, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li> +<li>Difference of Opinion, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li> +<li>Difficult Task, A, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li> +<li>Difficulties in either Case, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li> +<li>Diffidence, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li> +<li>Dilemma, A, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li> +<li>Dinner Code, <a href="#Page_368">368</a></li> +<li>Direct Road, The, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li> +<li>Disappointing Subscriber, A, <a href="#Page_194">194</a></li> +<li>Disapprobation, <a href="#Page_45">45</a></li> +<li>"Distant" Friend, A, <a href="#Page_259">259</a></li> +<li>Distant Prospect, A, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li> +<li>Distressful Denouement, A <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li> +<li>Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, <a href="#Page_285">285</a></li> +<li>Doctor Weather-eye, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></li> +<li>Doctrine of Chances, The, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></li> +<li>Dodging a Creditor, <a href="#Page_136">136</a></li> +<li>Dogged Answer, A, <a href="#Page_10">10</a></li> +<li>Dog-matic, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li> +<li>Dogmatism, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li> +<li>Dog Tax, The, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li> +<li>Doing Homage, <a href="#Page_223">223</a></li> +<li>Domestic Economy, <a href="#Page_92">92</a></li> +<li>Done for, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li> +<li>Donne, Dr., <a href="#Page_362">362</a></li> +<li>Double Knock, A, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li> +<li>Double Sight, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li> +<li>"Double Times," A, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li> +<li>Doubt Explained, The, <a href="#Page_353">353</a></li> +<li>Doubtful Compliment, A, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li> +<li>Doubtful Creed, A, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li> +<li>Dreadful Suspicion, A, <a href="#Page_328">328</a></li> +<li>Drinking Alone, <a href="#Page_174">174</a></li> +<li>Driving it Home, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></li> +<li>Droll to Order, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li> +<li>Drop, A, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li> +<li>Dry, but not Thirsty, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li> +<li>Dry Fellow, A, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li> +<li>Dry Humor, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li> +<li>Dull Man, A, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li> +<li>Dulness of a Debate, <a href="#Page_162">162</a></li> +<li>Dunning and Lord Mansfield, <a href="#Page_39">39</a></li> +<li>Dunning and Lord Thurlow, <a href="#Page_97">97</a></li> +<li>Duplex Movement, <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li> +<li>Dutiful Daughter, A, <a href="#Page_309">309</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Early Birds of Prey</span>, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li> +<li>Early Habits, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li> +<li>Easily Answered, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li> +<li>Easily Satisfied, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li> +<li>East Indian Chaplaincy, An, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li> +<li>Easy as Lying, <a href="#Page_29">29</a></li> +<li>Easy Way, An, <a href="#Page_302">302</a></li> +<li>Ebenezer Adams, <a href="#Page_150">150</a></li> +<li>Effort of Memory, An, <a href="#Page_163">163</a></li> +<li>Elegant Compliment, <a href="#Page_32">32</a></li> +<li>Elegant Retort, <a href="#Page_205">205</a></li> +<li>Elliston and George IV., <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li> +<li>Eloquent Silence, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li> +<li>Emperor of China, <a href="#Page_48">48</a></li> +<li>Empty Gun, The, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></li> +<li>Empty Head, An, <a href="#Page_92">92</a></li> +<li>Encouragement, <a href="#Page_216">216</a></li> +<li>Endless Task, An, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li> +<li>Entering the Lists, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li> +<li>Entertaining Proposition, An, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li> +<li>Envy, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li> +<li><span class="smcap">Epigrams</span>:— +<ul> +<li> Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li> +<li> Addressed to Miss Edgeworth, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li> +<li> A Good Word for Ministers, <a href="#Page_39">39</a></li> +<li> An Affirmative, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li> +<li> By a Plucked Man, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li> +<li> Conversational, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li> +<li> "Cumberland", <a href="#Page_34">34</a></li> +<li> From the Italian, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li> +<li> "I'm Living Still", <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li> +<li> "Life is a Lottery", <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li> +<li> "Nature" the Shoulder to the Burden suits, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li> +<li> On a Bad Man, <a href="#Page_47">47</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_377" id="Page_377">[Pg 377]</a></span></li> +<li> On a Bald Head, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li> +<li> On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li> +<li> On a Debtor Lord, <a href="#Page_222">222</a></li> +<li> On a Gentleman named Heddy, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li> +<li> On a Great Talker, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li> +<li> On a Jury, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li> +<li> On a Lady who Squinted, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li> +<li> On a Lady who was Painted, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li> +<li> On a Little Member's Versatility, <a href="#Page_203">203</a></li> +<li> On a New Duke, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li> +<li> On a Petit-Maître Physician, <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li> +<li> On a Squinting Poetess, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li> +<li> On a Stone thrown at a very Great Man, but which missed him, <a href="#Page_26">26</a></li> +<li> On a Student, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li> +<li> On Alderman Wood, <a href="#Page_224">224</a></li> +<li> On an M.P. who recently got his Election at the Sacrifice of his Political Character, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li> +<li> On Bank Notes being made a Legal Tender, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li> +<li> On Bishop ——'s Religion, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li> +<li> On Black and White, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li> +<li> On Blank Cartridge, <a href="#Page_341">341</a></li> +<li> On Bloomfield, the Poet, <a href="#Page_291">291</a></li> +<li> On Butler's Monument, <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li> +<li> On Charles Kean, the Actor, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li> +<li> On Cibber, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li> +<li> On "Disloyal" Collins, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li> +<li> On Dr. Glynn's Beauty, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li> +<li> On Dr. Lettsom, <a href="#Page_290">290</a></li> +<li> On Dr. Walcot's Application for Shield's Ivory Opera Pass, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li> +<li> On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li> +<li> On Drink, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li> +<li> On Hearing a prosing Harangue from a certain Bishop, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li> +<li> On Interminable Harangues, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li> +<li> On Jekyll's nearly being thrown down by a very small Pig, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li> +<li> On L—d—d—y, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li> +<li> On Lord ——'s delivering his Speeches in a sitting Position, owing to excessive Gout, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li> +<li> On Lord E—nb—h's Pericranium, <a href="#Page_89">89</a></li> +<li> On Lord W——'s saying the Independence of the House of Lords is gone, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li> +<li> On Marriage, <a href="#Page_170">170</a></li> +<li> On Meanness, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li> +<li> On Mr. Croker, <a href="#Page_111">111</a></li> +<li> On Mr. Gully, <a href="#Page_234">234</a></li> +<li> On Mr. Pitt's being pelted by the Mob, <a href="#Page_295">295</a></li> +<li> On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper, <a href="#Page_239">239</a></li> +<li> On Neglect of Judicial Duties, <a href="#Page_129">129</a></li> +<li> On Phryne, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li> +<li> On Pride, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li> +<li> On Rogers, the Poet, <a href="#Page_226">226</a></li> +<li> On Shelley's Poem, "Prometheus Unbound", <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li> +<li> On Sir Walter Scott's Poem of "Waterloo", <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li> +<li> On the alleged Disinterestedness of a certain Prelate, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li> +<li> On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B——, M.P., <a href="#Page_200">200</a></li> +<li> On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory, <a href="#Page_29">29</a></li> +<li> On the Death of Foote, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li> +<li> On the Depth of Lord ——'s Arguments, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li> +<li> On the Disappointment of the Whigs, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li> +<li> On the Duke of ——'s Consistency, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li> +<li> On the Four Georges, <a href="#Page_294">294</a></li> +<li> On the Immortality of ——'s Speeches, <a href="#Page_89">89</a></li> +<li> On the King's Double Dealing, <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li> +<li> On the late Duke of Buckingham's Moderate Reform, <a href="#Page_328">328</a></li> +<li> On the Marriage of a very thin Couple, <a href="#Page_172">172</a></li> +<li> On the Name of Keopalani, <a href="#Page_153">153</a></li> +<li> On the Oiled and Perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord, <a href="#Page_178">178</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_378" id="Page_378">[Pg 378]</a></span></li> +<li> On the Price of Admission to see the Mammoth Horse, <a href="#Page_266">266</a></li> +<li> On the Sincerity of a certain Prelate, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li> +<li> On Two Contractors, <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li> +<li> On the Two Harveys, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li> +<li> On Wolsey, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li> +<li> On ——'s Ponderous Speeches, <a href="#Page_223">223</a></li> +<li> On ——'s Veracity, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li> +<li> "Pocket your Watch", <a href="#Page_131">131</a></li> +<li> Suggested by hearing a Debate, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li> +<li> The Tanner, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></li> +<li> "There's Nobody at Home", <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li> +<li> To Closefist, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li> +<li> To Lady Mount E——, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li> +<li> "Turncoat", <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li> +<li> Upon the Trustworthiness of —— ——, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li> +<li> "Very like a Whale", <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li> +<li> Written on the Union, 1801, <a href="#Page_298">298</a></li> +</ul></li> +<li>Episcopal Sauce, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li> +<li>Epitaph for Sir John Vanbrugh, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li> +<li>Epitaph on a Miser, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li> +<li>Epitaphs, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li> +<li>Epitaph upon Peter Staggs, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li> +<li>Error Corrected, An, <a href="#Page_237">237</a></li> +<li>Erskine, Henry, <a href="#Page_220">220</a>, <a href="#Page_244">244</a></li> +<li>Erskine's Firmness, <a href="#Page_327">327</a></li> +<li>"Essay on Man", <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li> +<li>Equal to Nothing, <a href="#Page_177">177</a></li> +<li>Equality, <a href="#Page_52">52</a>, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li> +<li>Equality of the Law, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li> +<li>Equitable Law, <a href="#Page_290">290</a></li> +<li>Equivocal Preference, An, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li> +<li>Equivocation, An, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li> +<li>Erasmus <i>v.</i> Luther, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li> +<li>Error in Judgment, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li> +<li>Erudite, <a href="#Page_302">302</a></li> +<li>Euclid Refuted, <a href="#Page_162">162</a>, <a href="#Page_333">333</a></li> +<li>Evasion, An, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li> +<li>Evidence of a Jockey, <a href="#Page_75">75</a></li> +<li>Exaggeration, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li> +<li>Excusable Fear, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li> +<li>Excuse for Cowardice, <a href="#Page_295">295</a></li> +<li>Existence of Matter, <a href="#Page_363">363</a></li> +<li>Expectoration, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li> +<li>Expensive Job, An, <a href="#Page_362">362</a></li> +<li>Expensive Trip, An, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li> +<li>Experimentum Crucis, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li> +<li>Explanation, An, <a href="#Page_180">180</a></li> +<li>Extenuating Circumstances, <a href="#Page_119">119</a></li> +<li>Extinguisher, An, <a href="#Page_12">12</a></li> +<li>Extraordinary Compromise, <a href="#Page_177">177</a></li> +<li>Extreme Simplicity, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li> +<li>Extremely Sulphurous, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li> +<li>Extremes Meet, <a href="#Page_59">59</a>, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li> +<li>Eye to Profit, An, <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Fair Distribution, A</span>, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li> +<li>Fair Play, <a href="#Page_204">204</a></li> +<li>Fair Proposal, A, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li> +<li>Fair Repulse, A, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li> +<li>Fair Substitute, A, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li> +<li>Fairly Won, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li> +<li>Fall in Mitres, A, <a href="#Page_23">23</a></li> +<li>False Delicacy, <a href="#Page_23">23</a></li> +<li>False Estimate, <a href="#Page_216">216</a></li> +<li>False Face True, A, <a href="#Page_292">292</a></li> +<li>False Quantities, <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li> +<li>False Quantity, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li> +<li>Familiar Friend, A, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li> +<li>Familiar Illustration, A, <a href="#Page_41">41</a></li> +<li>Familiarity, <a href="#Page_177">177</a></li> +<li>Family Party, A, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li> +<li>Family Pride, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li> +<li>Farcical, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li> +<li>Farmer and Attorney, <a href="#Page_44">44</a></li> +<li>Farren, the Actor, On, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li> +<li>Fashion and Virtue, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li> +<li>Fat and Lean, <a href="#Page_264">264</a></li> +<li>Fatigue Duty, <a href="#Page_152">152</a></li> +<li>Favorite Air, A, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li> +<li>Fear of Educating Women, <a href="#Page_140">140</a></li> +<li>Feeling His Way, <a href="#Page_103">103</a></li> +<li>Feeling Witness, A, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></li> +<li>Female Talkers, <a href="#Page_49">49</a></li> +<li>Few Friends, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li> +<li>Fiction and Truth, <a href="#Page_264">264</a></li> +<li>Fig for the Grocer, A, <a href="#Page_150">150</a></li> +<li>Fighting by Measure, <a href="#Page_49">49</a></li> +<li>Filial Affection, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li> +<li>Fillip for Him, A, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li> +<li>Fire and Water, <a href="#Page_155">155</a></li> +<li>Fire of London, The, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li> +<li>Fishing for a Compliment, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li> +<li>Fishy, Rather, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li> +<li>Fixture, A, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li> +<li>Flash of Wit, A, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li> +<li>Flattery turned to Advantage, <a href="#Page_30">30</a></li> +<li>Flying Colors, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li> +<li>Following a Leader, <a href="#Page_78">78</a></li> +<li>Fool and His Money, A, <a href="#Page_359">359</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_379" id="Page_379">[Pg 379]</a></span></li> +<li>Fool Confirmed, A, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li> +<li>Fool or Knave, The, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li> +<li>Foote, <a href="#Page_96">96</a></li> +<li>Foote and Lord Townsend, <a href="#Page_94">94</a></li> +<li>Foote's Last Joke, <a href="#Page_368">368</a></li> +<li>Footiana, <a href="#Page_169">169</a></li> +<li>Foraging, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li> +<li>Force of Habit, The, <a href="#Page_125">125</a>, <a href="#Page_257">257</a></li> +<li>Force of Nature, <a href="#Page_55">55</a></li> +<li>Force of Satire, The, <a href="#Page_49">49</a></li> +<li>Forcible Argument, A, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li> +<li>Foreign Accent, A, <a href="#Page_29">29</a></li> +<li>Forgetful Man, A, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li> +<li>Fortunate Expedient, A, <a href="#Page_294">294</a></li> +<li>Fortunate Stars, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li> +<li>Fowl Joke, A, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li> +<li>Fox, Charles James, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li> +<li>Free Translation, A, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li> +<li>French Language, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li> +<li>French Precipitation, <a href="#Page_52">52</a></li> +<li>Full House, A, <a href="#Page_257">257</a></li> +<li>Full Inside, <a href="#Page_170">170</a></li> +<li>Full Proof, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li> +<li>Full Stop, A, <a href="#Page_264">264</a></li> +<li>Funeral Invitation, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Gambling</span>, <a href="#Page_234">234</a></li> +<li>Garrick and Foote, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li> +<li>Garth and Rowe, <a href="#Page_357">357</a></li> +<li>Generosity and Prudence, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li> +<li>Gently, Jemmy, <a href="#Page_151">151</a></li> +<li>Genuine Irish Bull, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li> +<li>Genuine Laziness, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li> +<li>George II. and the Recorder, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li> +<li>Getting a Living, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li> +<li>"Getting the Worst of It", <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li> +<li>Gluttons and Epicures, <a href="#Page_153">153</a></li> +<li>Going from the Point, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li> +<li>Going to Extremes, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li> +<li>Gone Out, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li> +<li>Good Advice, <a href="#Page_3">3</a>, <a href="#Page_152">152</a>, <a href="#Page_209">209</a>, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li> +<li>Good at a Pinch, <a href="#Page_223">223</a></li> +<li>Good Appetite, A, <a href="#Page_254">254</a></li> +<li>Good at the Halt, <a href="#Page_302">302</a></li> +<li>Good Authority, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li> +<li>Good Character, A, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li> +<li>Good Critic, A, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li> +<li>Good Enough for a Pig, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li> +<li>Good Evidence, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li> +<li>Good Example, A, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li> +<li>Good Excuse, A, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li> +<li>Good Eyes, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li> +<li>Good Hearing, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></li> +<li>Good-hearted Fellow, A, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li> +<li>Good Investment, A, <a href="#Page_235">235</a></li> +<li>Good Jail Delivery, A, <a href="#Page_183">183</a></li> +<li>Good Joke, A, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li> +<li>Good Judge, A, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li> +<li>Good Likeness, A, <a href="#Page_253">253</a></li> +<li>Good Mixture, A, <a href="#Page_283">283</a></li> +<li>Good Neighbor, A, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li> +<li>Good News for the Chancellor, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li> +<li>Good One, A, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li> +<li>Good Parson, A, <a href="#Page_14">14</a></li> +<li>Good Place, A, <a href="#Page_30">30</a></li> +<li>Good Reason, A, <a href="#Page_47">47</a>, <a href="#Page_50">50</a>, <a href="#Page_53">53</a>, <a href="#Page_78">78</a></li> +<li>Good Reason for a Bad Cause, A, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li> +<li>Good Recommendation, A, <a href="#Page_266">266</a></li> +<li>Good Riddance, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li> +<li>Good Servant, A, <a href="#Page_66">66</a></li> +<li>Good Sport, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li> +<li>Good Swimmer, A, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li> +<li>Good Translation, A, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li> +<li>Good Wife, A, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li> +<li>Gouty Shoe, The, <a href="#Page_189">189</a></li> +<li>Graceful Excuse, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></li> +<li>Graceful Illustration, A, <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li> +<li>Grafting, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li> +<li>Grammatical Distinction, A, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li> +<li>Grandiloquence, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li> +<li>Grandson, The, <a href="#Page_299">299</a></li> +<li>Grave Doctor, A, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li> +<li>Great Cabbage, <a href="#Page_251">251</a></li> +<li>Great Difference, A, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li> +<li>Gretna Customer, A, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li> +<li>Grim Joke, A, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li> +<li>Growl, A, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li> +<li>Grunt, A, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li> +<li>Guide to Government Situations, A, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Habeas Corpus Act</span>, <a href="#Page_194">194</a></li> +<li>Half-way, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li> +<li>Hand and Glove, <a href="#Page_21">21</a></li> +<li>Handsome Contribution, A, <a href="#Page_42">42</a></li> +<li>Happiness, <a href="#Page_41">41</a></li> +<li>Happy Man, A, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li> +<li>Happy Suggestion, A, <a href="#Page_32">32</a></li> +<li>Hard Hit, A, <a href="#Page_187">187</a></li> +<li>Hard of Digestion, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li> +<li>Hard-ware, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li> +<li>Having a Call, <a href="#Page_258">258</a></li> +<li>Heavy Weight, A, <a href="#Page_296">296</a></li> +<li>He "Lies Like Truth", <a href="#Page_21">21</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_380" id="Page_380">[Pg 380]</a></span></li> +<li>He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Rome", <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li> +<li>Henry VIII., <a href="#Page_278">278</a></li> +<li>Hero-phobia, <a href="#Page_20">20</a></li> +<li>Hesitation in his Writing, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></li> +<li>Hiatus, A, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li> +<li>Hic-cupping, <a href="#Page_10">10</a></li> +<li>High and Low, <a href="#Page_36">36</a></li> +<li>High Gaming, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li> +<li>Highland Politeness, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></li> +<li>Hinc <ins class="correct" title="Transcriber's note: Corrected from Illæ">Ille</ins> Lachrymæ, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li> +<li>Hint for Genealogists, A, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li> +<li>His Way—Out, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li> +<li>Hoaxing an Audience, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></li> +<li>Holland's Funeral, <a href="#Page_308">308</a></li> +<li>Home Argument, A, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></li> +<li>Home is Home, <a href="#Page_19">19</a></li> +<li>Honest Horse, An, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li> +<li>Honest Man's Litany, The, <a href="#Page_204">204</a></li> +<li>Honest Warranty, An, <a href="#Page_94">94</a></li> +<li>Honor, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li> +<li>Honor to Tipperary, An, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li> +<li>Hook's Politeness, <a href="#Page_127">127</a></li> +<li>Hopeful Pupil, The, <a href="#Page_124">124</a></li> +<li>Hopeless Invasion, A, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li> +<li>Horne Tooke and Wilkes, <a href="#Page_284">284</a></li> +<li>Horse Laugh, A, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li> +<li>Horses to Grass, <a href="#Page_285">285</a></li> +<li>How to Escape Taxation, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li> +<li>How to get rid of an Enemy, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li> +<li>How to make a Man of Consequence, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li> +<li>Howe, Lord, <a href="#Page_278">278</a></li> +<li>Human Happiness, <a href="#Page_64">64</a></li> +<li>Humane Society at an Evening Party, The, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li> +<li>Humor under Difficulties, <a href="#Page_52">52</a></li> +<li>Humorist Piqued, A, <a href="#Page_339">339</a></li> +<li>Husbanding his Resources, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li> +<li>Husband's Marriage, On Mr., <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li>"<span class="smcap">I can get Through</span>", <a href="#Page_263">263</a></li> +<li>Idolatry, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li> +<li>Illegal Indorsement, An, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li> +<li>Imitation of a Cow, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li> +<li>Important to Bachelors, <a href="#Page_280">280</a></li> +<li>Impossible in the Evening, <a href="#Page_254">254</a></li> +<li>Impossible Renunciation, An, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li> +<li>Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li> +<li>Impromptu by R.B. Sheridan, <a href="#Page_180">180</a></li> +<li>Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li> +<li>Impromptu—"St. Stephen's Walls", <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li> +<li>Impromptu—"The Fall of Sparta", <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li> +<li>Impudent Wit, An, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li> +<li>Inadvertence and Epicurism, <a href="#Page_286">286</a></li> +<li>Incapacity, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li> +<li>Inconvenient Breakdown, An, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li> +<li>Incredible, <a href="#Page_5">5</a></li> +<li>Independence, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li> +<li>Indifference to Death, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li> +<li>Indifference to Life, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li> +<li>In-door Relief, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li> +<li>Industry and Perseverance, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li> +<li>Industry of the English People, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li> +<li>Inevitable Misfortune, An, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li> +<li>Information easily Acquired, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li> +<li>Ingenious Device, An, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li> +<li>Ingenious Reply of a Soldier, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li> +<li>Ingenuousness, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li> +<li>Ingratitude, <a href="#Page_58">58</a>, <a href="#Page_283">283</a></li> +<li>Inhospitable Irishman, An, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li> +<li>In Memoriam, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li> +<li>Inquest Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li> +<li>Inquest—not Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li> +<li>Inquests Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li> +<li>Inscription on Inscriptions, An, <a href="#Page_2">2</a></li> +<li>Insurance Assurance, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li> +<li>In Suspense, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li> +<li>Interested Inquiry, <a href="#Page_357">357</a></li> +<li>In the Background, <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li> +<li>In the Dark, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li> +<li>Introductory Ceremony, An, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li> +<li>Intruder Rebuked, The, <a href="#Page_30">30</a></li> +<li>In Want of a Husband, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li> +<li>Ireland's Forgery, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li> +<li>Irish and Scotch Loyalty, <a href="#Page_290">290</a></li> +<li>Irish Imprudence, <a href="#Page_291">291</a></li> +<li>Irishman's Notion of Discount, An, <a href="#Page_282">282</a></li> +<li>Irishman's Plea, An, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li> +<li>Iron Duke, The, <a href="#Page_118">118</a></li> +<li>"I Takes 'em as they Come", <a href="#Page_341">341</a></li> +<li>"I've Done the same Thing often", <a href="#Page_103">103</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">James Smith and Justice Holroyd</span>, <a href="#Page_235">235</a></li> +<li>Jemmy Gordon, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li> +<li>Jest of Ancestry, The, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li> +<li>Jew's Eye to Business, A, <a href="#Page_286">286</a></li> +<li>Johnson and Mrs. Siddons, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li> +<li>Johnson, Dr., <a href="#Page_190">190</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_381" id="Page_381">[Pg 381]</a></span></li> +<li>Johnson, Dr., without Variation, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li> +<li>Johnson's, Dr., Opinion of Mrs. Siddons, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li> +<li>Joint Concern, A, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li> +<li>Joke from the North, A, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li> +<li>Jolly Companions, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li> +<li>Jonson, Ben, <a href="#Page_99">99</a></li> +<li>Judge in a Fog, A, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li> +<li>Judgment, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li> +<li>"Junius" discovered, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li> +<li>Jury Case, A, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li> +<li>Just as Wonderful, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li> +<li>Just Debtor, A, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li> +<li>Justice Midas, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li> +<li>Justice not always Blind, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Kean's Impromptu</span>, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li> +<li>Keen Reply, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li> +<li>Keeping a Conscience, <a href="#Page_126">126</a></li> +<li>Keeping a Promise, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li> +<li>Keeping It to Himself, <a href="#Page_333">333</a></li> +<li>Keeping Time, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li> +<li>Kew, The Way to, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li> +<li>Killed by His Own Remedy, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li> +<li>Kind Hint, A, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li> +<li>Kitchener and Colman, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li> +<li>Knotty Point, A, <a href="#Page_47">47</a></li> +<li>Knowing Best, <a href="#Page_183">183</a></li> +<li>Knowing His Man, <a href="#Page_91">91</a>, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li> +<li>Knowing His Place, <a href="#Page_69">69</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Lady Anne</span>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li> +<li>Lamb and Erskine, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li> +<li>Lamb and Sharp Sauce, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li> +<li>Lame Beggar, The, <a href="#Page_308">308</a></li> +<li>Landlord and Tenants, <a href="#Page_48">48</a></li> +<li>Large, but Not Large Enough, <a href="#Page_219">219</a></li> +<li>Last Resource, A, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li> +<li>"Last War," The, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li> +<li>Late and Early, <a href="#Page_203">203</a></li> +<li>Late Dinner, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li> +<li>Late Discoverer, A, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li> +<li>Late Edition, A, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></li> +<li>Latimer, <a href="#Page_295">295</a></li> +<li>Latin for Cold, The, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li> +<li>Latin Gerunds, On the, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li> +<li>Law and Physic, <a href="#Page_181">181</a>, <a href="#Page_333">333</a></li> +<li>Law and the Scottish Thane, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li> +<li>Lawyer's House, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li> +<li>Lawyer's Opinion of Law, A, <a href="#Page_99">99</a></li> +<li>Leaving His Verdict, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li> +<li>Leg Wit, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li> +<li>Legal Adulteration, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li> +<li>Legal Extravagance, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li> +<li>L'Envoy, <a href="#Page_368">368</a></li> +<li>Letter C, The, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li> +<li>Letter H, The, <a href="#Page_136">136</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li> +<li>Letter Wanting, A, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li> +<li>Liberal Gift, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li> +<li>Licensed to Kill, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li> +<li>Lie for Lie, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li> +<li>Light Bread, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li> +<li>Light-headed, <a href="#Page_20">20</a></li> +<li>Light Joke, A, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li> +<li>Light Study, A, <a href="#Page_19">19</a></li> +<li>Light Subject, The, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li> +<li>Lincoln's-Inn Dinners, <a href="#Page_207">207</a></li> +<li>Lines to O'Keefe, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li> +<li>Lingual Infection, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li> +<li>Liquid Remedy for Baldness, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li> +<li>Liston's Dream, <a href="#Page_148">148</a></li> +<li>Literal Joke, A, <a href="#Page_125">125</a></li> +<li>Literary Pastime, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li> +<li>Literary Rendering, A, <a href="#Page_284">284</a></li> +<li>Little to Give, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li> +<li>Long Ago, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li> +<li>Long Bill, A, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li> +<li>Long Illness, A, <a href="#Page_279">279</a></li> +<li>Long Residence, A, <a href="#Page_239">239</a></li> +<li>Long Story, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li> +<li>Look-A-head, <a href="#Page_178">178</a></li> +<li>Look in his Face, <a href="#Page_12">12</a></li> +<li>Losing an I, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></li> +<li>Lost and Found, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li> +<li>Love, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li> +<li>Love and Hymen, <a href="#Page_148">148</a></li> +<li>Love of the Sea, <a href="#Page_157">157</a></li> +<li>Love Songs, by Dean Swift, <a href="#Page_32">32</a></li> +<li>Lusus Naturæ, A, <a href="#Page_189">189</a></li> +<li>Luxurious Smoking, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li> +<li>Lying, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li> +<li>Lying Consistently, <a href="#Page_20">20</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Mac ready to Call</span>, <a href="#Page_178">178</a></li> +<li>Mad Quakers, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li> +<li>Maids and Wives, <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li> +<li>Majesty of Mud, The, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li> +<li>Making a Clearance, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li> +<li>Making Free, <a href="#Page_263">263</a></li> +<li>Making Free with the Waist, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li> +<li>Making It Up, <a href="#Page_52">52</a></li> +<li>Making Progress, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li> +<li>Malone, Sir Anthony, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></li> +<li>Man and a Brother, A, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li> +<li>Man of Letters, A, <a href="#Page_26">26</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_382" id="Page_382">[Pg 382]</a></span></li> +<li>Man of Metal, A, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li> +<li>Man-traps, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li> +<li>Man Without a Rival, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li> +<li>Mark of Respect, A, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li> +<li>Marriage, <a href="#Page_82">82</a>, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li> +<li>Matrimony, <a href="#Page_349">349</a></li> +<li>Matter in His Madness, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li> +<li>Maule-practice, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li> +<li>Measure for Measure, <a href="#Page_64">64</a>, <a href="#Page_146">146</a></li> +<li>Measure of a Brain, The, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li> +<li>Measuring his Distance, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li> +<li>Mechanical Surgeon, A, <a href="#Page_169">169</a></li> +<li>Medical Opinion, A, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li> +<li>Medicine must be of Use, The, <a href="#Page_62">62</a></li> +<li>Melo-dramatic Hit, <a href="#Page_279">279</a></li> +<li>Men of Letters, <a href="#Page_205">205</a></li> +<li>Men of Weight, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li> +<li>Merry Thought, A, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li> +<li>Michaelmas Meeting, A, <a href="#Page_331">331</a></li> +<li>Milesian Advice, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li> +<li>Military Axiom, A, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li> +<li>Military Eloquence, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li> +<li>Milton on Woman, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li> +<li>Mind your Points, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li> +<li>Minding his Business, <a href="#Page_107">107</a></li> +<li>Minding his Cue, <a href="#Page_203">203</a></li> +<li>Miser's Charity, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li> +<li>Mistake, A, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li> +<li>Mistaken Identity, <a href="#Page_13">13</a></li> +<li>Model Philanthropist, A, <a href="#Page_251">251</a></li> +<li>Modern Acting, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li> +<li>Modern Sculptor, A, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li> +<li>Modest, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li> +<li>Modest Merit, <a href="#Page_75">75</a></li> +<li>Modest Request, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li> +<li>Money-Borrower Deceived, The, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li> +<li>Money-Lender, A, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li> +<li>Money Returned, <a href="#Page_21">21</a></li> +<li>Money's <ins class="correct" title="Transcriber's note: Original reads Work">Worth</ins>, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li> +<li>Money's Worth, <a href="#Page_233">233</a>, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li> +<li>Monster, A, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li> +<li>Moral Equality of Man, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li> +<li>More Honored in the Breach, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li> +<li>Mot of Defoe, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li> +<li>Motherly Remark, <a href="#Page_233">233</a></li> +<li>Much Alike, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li> +<li>Multiplying One, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li> +<li>Musical Blow-up, A, <a href="#Page_174">174</a></li> +<li>Musical Taste, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li> +<li>Mystery Cleared Up, A, <a href="#Page_237">237</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Nameless Man, A</span>, <a href="#Page_260">260</a></li> +<li>Napoleon's Statue at Boulogne, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li> +<li>Nat Lee and Sir Roger L'Estrange, <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li> +<li>National Prejudice, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li> +<li>Native Wit, <a href="#Page_35">35</a></li> +<li>Natural, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li> +<li>Natural Antipathy, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li> +<li>Natural Grief, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></li> +<li>Natural Transmutation, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li> +<li>Nature and Art, <a href="#Page_273">273</a></li> +<li>Naval Oratory, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li> +<li>Neat Quotation, A, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li> +<li>Neat Suggestion, A, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li> +<li>Neck or Nothing, <a href="#Page_24">24</a></li> +<li>Neighborly Politeness, <a href="#Page_296">296</a></li> +<li>New Disguise, A, <a href="#Page_141">141</a></li> +<li>New Idea, A, <a href="#Page_296">296</a></li> +<li>New Reading, A, <a href="#Page_201">201</a>, <a href="#Page_271">271</a></li> +<li>New Relationship, <a href="#Page_3">3</a>, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li> +<li>New Scholar, A, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li> +<li>New Sign, A, <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li> +<li>New Sport, A, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li> +<li>New view, A, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li> +<li>New Way to Pay Old Debts, <a href="#Page_29">29</a></li> +<li>New Way with Attorneys, A, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li> +<li>Nice Distinction, A, <a href="#Page_95">95</a>, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li> +<li>Nice Language, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li> +<li>Nicknames, <a href="#Page_265">265</a></li> +<li>Night and Morning, <a href="#Page_170">170</a></li> +<li>Nil Nisi, &c., <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li> +<li>No Harm Done, <a href="#Page_2">2</a></li> +<li>No Intrusion, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li> +<li>No Joke, <a href="#Page_253">253</a></li> +<li>No Judge, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li> +<li>No Matter what Color, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li> +<li>No Music in his Soul, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li> +<li>No Pride, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li> +<li>No Redeeming Virtue, <a href="#Page_309">309</a></li> +<li>No Sacrifice, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li> +<li>Noise for Nothing, A, <a href="#Page_167">167</a></li> +<li>Nominal Rhymes, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li> +<li>Non Compos <a href="#Page_260">260</a></li> +<li>Non Sequitur, <a href="#Page_57">57</a></li> +<li>"None so Blind," &c., <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li> +<li>North, Lord, Asleep, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li> +<li>North's, Lord, Drollery, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li> +<li>Nosce te Ipsum, <a href="#Page_243">243</a></li> +<li>Not at all Anxious, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li> +<li>Not at Home, <a href="#Page_207">207</a></li> +<li>Not Finding Himself, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li> +<li>Not giving Himself "Airs", <a href="#Page_305">305</a></li> +<li>Not Importunate, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li> +<li>Not Improbable, <a href="#Page_308">308</a></li> +<li>Not Insured Against Fire, <a href="#Page_186">186</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_383" id="Page_383">[Pg 383]</a></span></li> +<li>Not Necessary, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li> +<li>Not Polite, <a href="#Page_119">119</a></li> +<li>Not Quite Correct, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li> +<li>Not Right, <a href="#Page_20">20</a></li> +<li>Not Room for a Neighbor, <a href="#Page_339">339</a></li> +<li>Not Sick Enough for That, <a href="#Page_273">273</a></li> +<li>Not so Bad for a King, <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li> +<li>Not so "Daft" as Reputed, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li> +<li>Not so Easy, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li> +<li>Not to be Believed, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li> +<li>Not to be Bought, <a href="#Page_68">68</a></li> +<li>Not to be Done Brown, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li> +<li>Not to be Tempted, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li> +<li>Not to be Trifled with, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li> +<li>Not True, <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li> +<li>Not <i>v.</i> Nott, <a href="#Page_35">35</a></li> +<li>Nothing but Hebrew, <a href="#Page_266">266</a></li> +<li>Nothing but the "Bill", <a href="#Page_12">12</a></li> +<li>Nothing Personal, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></li> +<li>Nothing Surprising, <a href="#Page_339">339</a></li> +<li>Nothing to Boast of, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li> +<li>Nothing to Laugh at, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li> +<li>Notice to Quit, <a href="#Page_125">125</a></li> +<li>Notions of Happiness, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li> +<li>Novel Complaint, A, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li> +<li>Novel Idea, A, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li> +<li>Novel Offence, <a href="#Page_45">45</a></li> +<li>Novelty, A, <a href="#Page_66">66</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> + +<li><span class="smcap">Objectionable Process, A</span>, <a href="#Page_328">328</a></li> +<li>Ocular, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li> +<li>Odd Bird, An, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li> +<li>Odd Comparison, An, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li> +<li>Odd Family, An, <a href="#Page_99">99</a></li> +<li>Odd Fellow, An, <a href="#Page_68">68</a></li> +<li>Odd Foresight, <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li> +<li>Odd Housekeeping, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></li> +<li>Odd Humor, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li> +<li>Odd Notion, An, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li> +<li>Odd Occurrence, An, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li> +<li>Odd Question, An, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></li> +<li>Odd Reason, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li> +<li>"Off with his Head", <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li> +<li>Offensive Preference, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li> +<li>Old Adage Refuted, An, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li> +<li>Old Age, <a href="#Page_162">162</a></li> +<li>Old Friends, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li> +<li>Old Joke, An, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li> +<li>Old Stories over Again, <a href="#Page_52">52</a></li> +<li>Old Times, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li> +<li>Ominous, Very!, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li> +<li>On the Right Side, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li> +<li>On the Spot, <a href="#Page_327">327</a></li> +<li>One Bite at a Cherry, <a href="#Page_150">150</a></li> +<li>One Fault, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li> +<li>"One for his Nob", <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li> +<li>One Good Turn Deserves Another, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li> +<li>One Head Better than a Dozen, <a href="#Page_126">126</a></li> +<li>One-Sided Joke, A, <a href="#Page_353">353</a></li> +<li>One-Spur Horseman, The, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li> +<li>One Thing at a Time, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li> +<li>One Thing Wanting, The, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li> +<li>Only a Ninepin, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li> +<li>Only Enough for One, <a href="#Page_200">200</a></li> +<li>Only for Life, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li> +<li>Open Confession, <a href="#Page_289">289</a></li> +<li>Openly, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li> +<li>Opposite Tempers, <a href="#Page_281">281</a></li> +<li>Orators, The, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li> +<li>Oratory, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li> +<li>Order for Two, An, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li> +<li>Order! Order!, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li> +<li>Origin of the term Grog, <a href="#Page_268">268</a></li> +<li>Original Attraction, An, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li> +<li>Orthography, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li> +<li>Our English Love of Dinners, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li> +<li>"Our Landlady", <a href="#Page_246">246</a></li> +<li>"Out, Brief Candle", <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li> +<li>Out of Spirits, <a href="#Page_302">302</a></li> +<li>Outline, An, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li> +<li>Outline of an Ambassador, <a href="#Page_272">272</a></li> +<li>Outward Appearance, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li> +<li>Over-wise, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li> +<li>Oxford and Cambridge Actors, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Paddy's Logic</span>, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li> +<li>Painful Examination, A, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li> +<li>Painted Charms, <a href="#Page_327">327</a></li> +<li>Painting, <a href="#Page_162">162</a>, <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li> +<li>Painting and Medicine, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li> +<li>Par Nobile Fratrum, <a href="#Page_148">148</a></li> +<li>Pardonable Mistake, A, <a href="#Page_6">6</a></li> +<li>Parliamentary Case, <a href="#Page_272">272</a></li> +<li>Parliamentary Reprimand, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></li> +<li>Participation in a Practical Joke, <a href="#Page_282">282</a></li> +<li>Partnership Dissolved, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li> +<li>Passing the Bottle, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li> +<li>Pat Reply, A, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li> +<li>Patience, <a href="#Page_305">305</a></li> +<li>Patrick Henry, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></li> +<li>Paying in Kind, <a href="#Page_130">130</a>, <a href="#Page_257">257</a></li> +<li>Pence Table, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li> +<li>Perfect Bore, A, <a href="#Page_246">246</a></li> +<li>Perfect Discontent, <a href="#Page_131">131</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_384" id="Page_384">[Pg 384]</a></span></li> +<li>Personalities of Garrick and Quin, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li> +<li>Pert, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li> +<li>Pertinent Enquiry, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li> +<li>Pertinent Question, A, <a href="#Page_310">310</a>, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li> +<li>Phenomenon Accounted for, A, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li> +<li>Philanthropist, The, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li> +<li>Philip, Earl, of Stanhope, <a href="#Page_359">359</a></li> +<li>Philosophical Reason, A, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li> +<li>Phonetic Joke, A, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li> +<li>Picking Pockets, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li> +<li>Pickpocketing, <a href="#Page_97">97</a></li> +<li>Piece de Resistance, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li> +<li>Piece of Plate, A, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></li> +<li>Pig-headed, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li> +<li>Pigs and the Silver Spoon, The, <a href="#Page_292">292</a></li> +<li>Pill Gratis, A, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li> +<li>Pink of Politeness, The, <a href="#Page_36">36</a></li> +<li>Pious Minister, A, <a href="#Page_131">131</a></li> +<li>Place Wanted, A, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li> +<li>Placebo, A, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li> +<li>Plain Enough, <a href="#Page_267">267</a></li> +<li>Plain Language, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li> +<li>Plain Speaking, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li> +<li>Play upon Words, A, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li> +<li>Player, or Lord, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li> +<li>Playing on a Word, <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li> +<li>Pleasant, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li> +<li>Pleasant Deserts, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></li> +<li>Pleasant for a Father, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li> +<li>Pleasant Invitation, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li> +<li>Pleasant Message, A, <a href="#Page_363">363</a></li> +<li>Pleasant Partner, A, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li> +<li>Plumper, A, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li> +<li>Plural Number, The, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li> +<li>Poet Foiled, The, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></li> +<li>Poetical shape, A, <a href="#Page_64">64</a></li> +<li>Poets to certain Critics, The, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></li> +<li>Point, A, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li> +<li>Point Needing to be Settled, A, <a href="#Page_349">349</a></li> +<li>Polite Rebuke, A, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li> +<li>Polite Scholar, The, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li> +<li>Political Corruption, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li> +<li>Political Logic, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li> +<li>Political Sinecure, <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li> +<li>Poor Curate, The, <a href="#Page_296">296</a></li> +<li>Poor Laugh, A, <a href="#Page_349">349</a></li> +<li>Poor Law, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li> +<li>Poor Substitute, A, <a href="#Page_301">301</a></li> +<li>Pope's Last Illness, <a href="#Page_281">281</a></li> +<li>Popping the Question, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li> +<li>Porson <i>v.</i> Dr. Jowett, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li> +<li>Porson's Visit to the Continent, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li> +<li>Portmanteau <i>v.</i> Trunk, <a href="#Page_127">127</a></li> +<li>Portrait Capitally Executed, A, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li> +<li>Poser, A, <a href="#Page_44">44</a>, <a href="#Page_203">203</a>, <a href="#Page_226">226</a>, <a href="#Page_267">267</a>, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li> +<li>Poser by Lord Ellenborough, A, <a href="#Page_170">170</a></li> +<li>Possible Censors, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li> +<li>Post-Mortem, <a href="#Page_69">69</a></li> +<li>Pot Valiant, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></li> +<li>Powder without Ball, <a href="#Page_281">281</a></li> +<li>Practical Retort, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li> +<li>Precautionary, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li> +<li>Preferable Way, A, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li> +<li>Preferment, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li> +<li>Prefix, A, <a href="#Page_283">283</a></li> +<li>Pressing Reason, A, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li> +<li>Pretty, <a href="#Page_308">308</a></li> +<li>Pretty Metaphor, A, <a href="#Page_26">26</a></li> +<li>Pretty Picture, A, <a href="#Page_38">38</a></li> +<li>Pretty Reply, A, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li> +<li>Previous Engagement, A, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li> +<li>Priest's Orders, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li> +<li>Prime's Preservative, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li> +<li>Primogeniture, <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li> +<li>Prince of Orange and Judge Jefferies, The, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li> +<li>Principle of Governments, The, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li> +<li>Priority, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li> +<li>Probability, A, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li> +<li>Problem for Total Abstainers, A, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li> +<li>Profession and Practice, <a href="#Page_331">331</a></li> +<li>Professional, <a href="#Page_47">47</a></li> +<li>Professional Aim, A, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li> +<li>Professional Candor, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li> +<li>Professional Companions, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li> +<li>Professional Recognition, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li> +<li>Profitable Juggling, <a href="#Page_97">97</a></li> +<li>Promise to Pay, A, <a href="#Page_139">139</a></li> +<li>Proof Impression, <a href="#Page_23">23</a></li> +<li>Proof Positive, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li> +<li>Proper Answer, A, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></li> +<li>Proper Distinction, <a href="#Page_174">174</a></li> +<li>Proper Name, A, <a href="#Page_299">299</a></li> +<li>Proper Retort, A, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li> +<li>Prophecy, A, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li> +<li>Prosiness, <a href="#Page_363">363</a></li> +<li>Proud Heart, A, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li> +<li>Proverb Reversed, A, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></li> +<li>Provident Boy, A, <a href="#Page_62">62</a></li> +<li>Proving their Metal, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li> +<li>Pulling up a Poet, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li> +<li>Punctuation, <a href="#Page_139">139</a></li> +<li>Pungent Pinch, A, <a href="#Page_336">336</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_385" id="Page_385">[Pg 385]</a></span></li> +<li>"Puppies never See till they are Nine Days Old", <a href="#Page_192">192</a></li> +<li>Pure Folks, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li> +<li>Purser, The, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li> +<li>Putting a Stop to Pilgrim's Progress, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Q.E.D.</span>, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li> +<li>Quaint Epitaph, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li> +<li>Qualifying for Bail, <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li> +<li>Quantum Suff, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li> +<li>Quakerly Objection, A, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li> +<li>Queer Expression, A, <a href="#Page_282">282</a></li> +<li>Queer Partners, <a href="#Page_172">172</a></li> +<li>Query Answered, A, <a href="#Page_62">62</a></li> +<li>Query for Mr. Babbage, A, <a href="#Page_209">209</a></li> +<li>Question and Answer, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li> +<li>Question Answered, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li> +<li>Question for the Peerage, A, <a href="#Page_167">167</a></li> +<li>Question of Descent, A, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li> +<li>Question of Time, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li> +<li>Quick Lie, A, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li> +<li>Quid Pro Quo, <a href="#Page_86">86</a>, <a href="#Page_216">216</a>, <a href="#Page_267">267</a>, <a href="#Page_269">269</a></li> +<li>Quiet Dose, A, <a href="#Page_226">226</a></li> +<li>Quiet Theft, <a href="#Page_151">151</a></li> +<li>Quin and Charles I., <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li> +<li>Quin and the Parson, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li> +<li>Quin's Saying, <a href="#Page_50">50</a></li> +<li>Quin's Soliloquy on Seeing the embalmed body of Duke Humphrey, at St. Alban's, <a href="#Page_38">38</a></li> +<li>Quite Aground, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li> +<li>Quite at Ease, <a href="#Page_271">271</a></li> +<li>Quite Natural, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li> +<li>Quite Perfection, <a href="#Page_24">24</a></li> +<li>Quite Poetical, <a href="#Page_219">219</a></li> +<li>Quite Professional, <a href="#Page_290">290</a></li> +<li>Quite True, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Railroad Engineer, The</span>, <a href="#Page_155">155</a></li> +<li>Rake's Economy, A, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li> +<li>Rare Virtue, <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li> +<li>Rather A-curate, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li> +<li>Rather Ethereal, <a href="#Page_278">278</a></li> +<li>Rather Ferocious, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li> +<li>Rather Hard, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li> +<li>Rather Saucy, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li> +<li>Rather the Worst Half, <a href="#Page_257">257</a></li> +<li>Ready-made Wood Pavement, <a href="#Page_174">174</a></li> +<li>Ready Reckoner, A, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>, <a href="#Page_163">163</a>, <a href="#Page_259">259</a></li> +<li>Ready Reply, A, <a href="#Page_73">73</a></li> +<li>Reason, A, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li> +<li>Reason for being too Late, A, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li> +<li>Reason for Belief, A, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li> +<li>Reason for Going to Church, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li> +<li>Reason for not Moving, A, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li> +<li>Reason for Polygamy, A, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li> +<li>Reason for Running Away, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li> +<li>Reason for Thick Ankles, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li> +<li>Reason Why, The, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li> +<li>Reasonable Demand, A, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li> +<li>Reasonable Excuse, A, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li> +<li>Reasonable Preference, A, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li> +<li>Reasonable Refusal, A, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li> +<li>Reasonable Request, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li> +<li>Reasons for Drinking, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li> +<li>Rebel Lords, The, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li> +<li>Rebuke, A, <a href="#Page_251">251</a></li> +<li>Reciprocal Action, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li> +<li>Recruiting Sergeant and Countryman, <a href="#Page_86">86</a></li> +<li>Reflection, A, <a href="#Page_96">96</a></li> +<li>Reformation, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li> +<li>Relations of Mankind, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li> +<li>Remarkable Echo, A, <a href="#Page_309">309</a></li> +<li>Reproof, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></li> +<li>Republic of Learning, The, <a href="#Page_107">107</a></li> +<li>Republic of Letters, The, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li> +<li>Reputation, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li> +<li>Resignation, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li> +<li>Resting Herself, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li> +<li>Retort Cutting, The, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li> +<li>Reverse, A, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li> +<li>Reverse Joke, A, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li> +<li>Reverse of Circumstances, <a href="#Page_10">10</a></li> +<li>Richmond Hoax, The, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li> +<li>Right Organ, The, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li> +<li>Rigid Impartiality, <a href="#Page_359">359</a></li> +<li>Ringing the Changes, <a href="#Page_91">91</a></li> +<li>Rising Son, The, <a href="#Page_1">1</a></li> +<li>Riskful Adventure, A, <a href="#Page_331">331</a></li> +<li>Rivals, The, <a href="#Page_110">110</a></li> +<li>Rogers—Poet and Skipper, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li> +<li>Rowing in the Same Boat, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li> +<li>Rowland for an Oliver, A, <a href="#Page_163">163</a></li> +<li>Royal Favor, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li> +<li>Royal Jest, A, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li> +<li>Royal Muff, A, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li> +<li>Royal Pun, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li> +<li>Rub at a Rascal, A, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li> +<li>Rule of Practice, A, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li> +<li>Ruling Passion after Death, The, <a href="#Page_51">51</a></li> +<li>Ruling Passion Strong in Death, The, <a href="#Page_200">200</a>, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li> +<li>Ruling Passion, The, <a href="#Page_129">129</a>, <a href="#Page_218">218</a>, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li> +<li>Rum and Water, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_386" id="Page_386">[Pg 386]</a></span></li> +<li>Runaway Knock, A, <a href="#Page_195">195</a></li> +<li>Running Accounts, <a href="#Page_291">291</a></li> +<li>Running no Risk, <a href="#Page_339">339</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Saddle on the Right Horse, The</span>, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li> +<li>Safe Appeal, A, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li> +<li>Safe Side, The, <a href="#Page_292">292</a></li> +<li>Sage Advice, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li> +<li>Sage Simile, A, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li> +<li>Sailor's Wedding, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li> +<li>St. Peter a Bachelor, <a href="#Page_286">286</a></li> +<li>Salad, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li> +<li>Salic Law, The, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li> +<li>Salisbury Cathedral Spire, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li> +<li>Sanitary Air, A, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li> +<li>Satisfaction, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li> +<li>Satisfactory Explanation, A, <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li> +<li>Satisfactory Reason, A, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></li> +<li>Satisfactory Total, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li> +<li>Saucy Answer, A, <a href="#Page_363">363</a></li> +<li>Save us from our Friends, <a href="#Page_157">157</a></li> +<li>Saving Time, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li> +<li>Scandalous, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li> +<li>Scold's Vocabulary, The, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li> +<li>Scotch Caution, <a href="#Page_119">119</a></li> +<li>Scotch Medium, <a href="#Page_130">130</a></li> +<li>Scotch Penetration, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li> +<li>Scotch Simplicity, <a href="#Page_42">42</a></li> +<li>Scotch Understanding, <a href="#Page_66">66</a></li> +<li>Scotch "Wut", <a href="#Page_168">168</a>, <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li> +<li>Scotchman and Highwaymen, <a href="#Page_291">291</a></li> +<li>Scott, Sir Walter, and Constable, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li> +<li>Scott's, Sir Walter, Parritch-pan, <a href="#Page_283">283</a></li> +<li>Sealing an Oath, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li> +<li>Seasonable Joke, A, <a href="#Page_89">89</a>, <a href="#Page_273">273</a></li> +<li>Season-ings, The, <a href="#Page_207">207</a></li> +<li>Secret Discovered, A, <a href="#Page_357">357</a></li> +<li>Seeing a Coronation, <a href="#Page_127">127</a></li> +<li>Seeing not Believing, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li> +<li>Self-Applause, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li> +<li>Self-Conceit, <a href="#Page_235">235</a></li> +<li>Self-Condemnation, <a href="#Page_265">265</a>, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li> +<li>Self-Interest, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li> +<li>Self-Knowledge, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li> +<li>Selwyn, George, <a href="#Page_47">47</a></li> +<li>Sensibility, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li> +<li>Sent Home Free, <a href="#Page_192">192</a></li> +<li>Sentence of Death, <a href="#Page_34">34</a></li> +<li>Sermons in Stones, <a href="#Page_341">341</a></li> +<li>Servants, <a href="#Page_267">267</a></li> +<li>Setting him Up to Knock him Down, <a href="#Page_178">178</a></li> +<li>Setting Up and Sitting Down, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li> +<li>Settled Point, A, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li> +<li>Settler, A, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li> +<li>Severe, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li> +<li>Severe Rebuke, <a href="#Page_285">285</a></li> +<li>Shakespeare Illustrated, <a href="#Page_129">129</a></li> +<li>Shakespearian Grog, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li> +<li>Shaking Hands, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li> +<li>Sharp Boy, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li> +<li>Sharp Brush, A, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li> +<li>Sharp, if not Pleasant, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li> +<li>Sheepish Compliment, A, <a href="#Page_44">44</a></li> +<li>Sheridan and Burke, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li> +<li>Sheridan Convivial, <a href="#Page_268">268</a></li> +<li>Short and Sharp, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li> +<li>Short Commons, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li> +<li>Short Creed, A, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li> +<li>Short Journey, <a href="#Page_170">170</a>, <a href="#Page_278">278</a></li> +<li>Short Measure, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li> +<li>Short-Sighted, <a href="#Page_254">254</a></li> +<li>Short Stories, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li> +<li>Should not Silence Give Consent, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li> +<li>Shuffling Answer, A, <a href="#Page_327">327</a></li> +<li>Sign of being Cracked, <a href="#Page_68">68</a></li> +<li>Significant Difference, A, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li> +<li>Silent Appreciation, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li> +<li>Silk Gown, A, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li> +<li>Simile, A, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li> +<li>Simple Division, <a href="#Page_19">19</a></li> +<li>Simplicity of the Learned Porson, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li> +<li>Sims, Dr., <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li> +<li>Sinecure, A, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li> +<li>"Sinking" the Well, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li> +<li>Slack Payment, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></li> +<li>Sleeping at Church, <a href="#Page_268">268</a></li> +<li>Sleeping Round, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li> +<li>Slight Difference, A, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li> +<li>Slight Eruption, A, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li> +<li>Small Glass, A, <a href="#Page_92">92</a></li> +<li>Small Inheritance, A, <a href="#Page_3">3</a></li> +<li>Small Joke, A, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li> +<li>Small Talk, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li> +<li>Small Wit, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li> +<li>Smart One-pounder, A, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li> +<li>Smart Reply, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li> +<li>Smoking an M.P., <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li> +<li>Smoothing It Down, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li> +<li>Snoring, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li> +<li>Snuff-box, The, <a href="#Page_273">273</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_387" id="Page_387">[Pg 387]</a></span></li> +<li>Snug Lying, <a href="#Page_205">205</a></li> +<li>Soft, Very!, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li> +<li>Soldiers' Wives, <a href="#Page_253">253</a></li> +<li>Solomon's Temple, <a href="#Page_202">202</a></li> +<li>Something for Dr. Darwin, <a href="#Page_1">1</a></li> +<li>Something Lacking, <a href="#Page_204">204</a></li> +<li>Something Like an Insult, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li> +<li>Something Sharp, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li> +<li>Something to be Grateful for, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li> +<li>Something to be Proud of, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li> +<li>Something to Pocket, <a href="#Page_301">301</a></li> +<li>Soporific, A, <a href="#Page_195">195</a>, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li> +<li>Sought and Found, <a href="#Page_309">309</a></li> +<li>Sound and Fury, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li> +<li>Sound Conclusion, A, <a href="#Page_57">57</a></li> +<li>Sound Sleeper, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li> +<li>Spare Man, A, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li> +<li>Spare the Rod, <a href="#Page_239">239</a></li> +<li>Speaking Canvas, The, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li> +<li>Speaking of Sausages, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li> +<li>Special Pleading, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li> +<li>Species and Specie, <a href="#Page_189">189</a></li> +<li>Specific Gravity of Folly, The, <a href="#Page_155">155</a></li> +<li>Specimen of the Laconic, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li> +<li>Specimen of University Etiquette, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li> +<li>Spirit and the Letter, The, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li> +<li>Spirit of a Gambler, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li> +<li>Spiritual and Spirituous, <a href="#Page_5">5</a></li> +<li>Spranger Barry, <a href="#Page_146">146</a></li> +<li>Sprig of Shillalah, A, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li> +<li>Staffordshire Collieries, The, <a href="#Page_202">202</a></li> +<li>Steam-boat Racing, <a href="#Page_150">150</a></li> +<li>Sterne, <a href="#Page_131">131</a></li> +<li>Stone Blind, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li> +<li>Stop Watch, A, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></li> +<li>Stopper, A, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li> +<li>Stout Swimmer, A, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li> +<li>Strange Jetsum, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li> +<li>Strange Objection, A, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li> +<li>Strange Vespers, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li> +<li>Stray Shot, A, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li> +<li>Striking Notice, A, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li> +<li>Striking Point, A, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li> +<li>Striking Reproof, <a href="#Page_38">38</a></li> +<li>Subtraction and Addition, <a href="#Page_14">14</a></li> +<li>Sudden Change, A, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li> +<li>Sudden Freedom, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li> +<li>Suggestion, <a href="#Page_49">49</a></li> +<li>Suggestive Pair of Grays, A, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li> +<li>Suggestive Present, A, <a href="#Page_140">140</a></li> +<li>Suggestive Question, A, <a href="#Page_148">148</a></li> +<li>Suggestive Repudiation, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li> +<li>Suited to his Subject, <a href="#Page_35">35</a></li> +<li>Summary Decision, <a href="#Page_194">194</a></li> +<li>Sun in his Eye, The, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li> +<li>Superfluous Scraper, A, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li> +<li>Superiority of Machinery, The, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li> +<li>Sure Take, A, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li> +<li>Swearing the Peace, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li> +<li>Sweeps, <a href="#Page_234">234</a></li> +<li>Swift, Dean, and King William, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li> +<li>Sword and the Scabbard, The, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li> +<li>Sydney Smith, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li> +<li>Sydney Smith Soporific, <a href="#Page_223">223</a></li> +<li>Syllabic Difference, A, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li> +<li>Symbol, A, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Take Warning</span>!, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li> +<li>Taking a Hint, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li> +<li>Taking his Measure, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li> +<li>Tall and Short, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li> +<li>Taste of Marriage, A, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li> +<li>Tavern Dinner, A, <a href="#Page_264">264</a></li> +<li>Tell it not in England, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li> +<li>Telling One's Age, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></li> +<li>Temperance Cruets, <a href="#Page_284">284</a></li> +<li>Tender Suggestion, A, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li> +<li>Terrible Possibility, A, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li> +<li>"The Mixture as Before", <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li> +<li>Theatrical Mistakes, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li> +<li>Theatrical Purgations, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li> +<li>Theatrical Wit, <a href="#Page_124">124</a></li> +<li>Thelwall, Mr., <a href="#Page_209">209</a></li> +<li>"Thereby Hangs," &c., <a href="#Page_167">167</a></li> +<li>Things by their Right Names, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li> +<li>Three Causes, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li> +<li>Three Degrees of Comparison, <a href="#Page_205">205</a></li> +<li>Three Ends to a Rope, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li> +<li>Three Touchstones, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></li> +<li>"Throw Physic to the Dogs!", <a href="#Page_233">233</a></li> +<li>Thurlow and Pitt, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li> +<li>Ticklish Opening, A, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li> +<li>Tierney's, Mr., Humor, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li> +<li>Tillotson, <a href="#Page_280">280</a></li> +<li>Time Out of Joint, The, <a href="#Page_187">187</a></li> +<li>Time Works Wonders, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li> +<li>Timely Aid, <a href="#Page_243">243</a></li> +<li>Timely Flattery, <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li> +<li>Timely Reproof, A, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></li> +<li>Timidity of Beauty, The, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li> +<li>To the Coming Man, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li> +<li>Too Civil, <a href="#Page_55">55</a></li> +<li>Too Civil by Half, <a href="#Page_246">246</a></li> +<li>Too Clever, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li> +<li>Too Fast, <a href="#Page_220">220</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_388" id="Page_388">[Pg 388]</a></span></li> +<li>Too Good, <a href="#Page_233">233</a></li> +<li>Too Grateful, <a href="#Page_224">224</a></li> +<li>Too Liberal, <a href="#Page_260">260</a></li> +<li>Too Many Cooks, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li> +<li>Too Much and Too Little, <a href="#Page_244">244</a></li> +<li>Too Much at Once, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li> +<li>Too Much of a Bad Thing, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li> +<li>Too Cold to Change, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li> +<li>Top and Bottom, <a href="#Page_140">140</a></li> +<li>Tory Liberality, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li> +<li>Touching, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li> +<li>Trade against Land, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li> +<li>Tragedy MS., <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li> +<li>Transformation Scene, A, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li> +<li>Transporting Subject, A, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li> +<li>Transposing a Compliment, <a href="#Page_41">41</a></li> +<li>Travellers See Strange Things, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li> +<li>Trophies, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li> +<li>True and False, <a href="#Page_251">251</a></li> +<li>True Courtier, A, <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li> +<li>True Criticism, <a href="#Page_267">267</a></li> +<li>True Dignity, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li> +<li>True Evidence, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li> +<li>True Joke, A, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li> +<li>True of Both, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li> +<li>True Philosophy, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li> +<li>True Politeness, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li> +<li>True to the Letter, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li> +<li>True Wit, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li> +<li>Trump Card, A, <a href="#Page_13">13</a></li> +<li>Truth and Fiction, <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li> +<li>Truth and Rhyme, <a href="#Page_137">137</a></li> +<li>Truth at Last, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li> +<li>Truth by Accident, The, <a href="#Page_216">216</a></li> +<li>Truth for the Ladies, A, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li> +<li>Truth not Always to be Spoken, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li> +<li>Truth not to be Spoken at All Times, <a href="#Page_78">78</a></li> +<li>Truth <i>v.</i> Politeness, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li> +<li>Trying to the Temper, <a href="#Page_258">258</a></li> +<li>Twice Ruined, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li> +<li>Two Carriages, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li> +<li>Two Cures for Ague, <a href="#Page_353">353</a></li> +<li>Two Make a Pair, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li> +<li>Two of a Trade, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li> +<li>Two Sides to a Speech, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li> +<li>Two Smiths, The, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li> +<li>Twofold Illustration, <a href="#Page_42">42</a></li> +<li>Typographical Transfer, A, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li> +<li>Typographical Wit, <a href="#Page_260">260</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Ugly Dog, An</span>, <a href="#Page_48">48</a></li> +<li>Ugly Trades, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li> +<li>Unanswerable Argument, An, <a href="#Page_299">299</a></li> +<li>Uncivil Warning, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li> +<li>Unconscious Insult, An, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li> +<li>Unconscious Postscript, An, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></li> +<li>Unequal Arrangement, An, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li> +<li>Unexpected Cannonade, An, <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li> +<li>Unfortunate Lover, An, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li> +<li>Union is Strength, <a href="#Page_51">51</a></li> +<li>Union of Opposites, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li> +<li>Unkind, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li> +<li>Unknown Tongue, <a href="#Page_38">38</a></li> +<li>Unlikely Result, An, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li> +<li>Unpoetical Reply, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li> +<li>Unreasonable, <a href="#Page_94">94</a></li> +<li>Unre-hearsed Effect, An, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li> +<li>Unremitting Kindness, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li> +<li>Untaxed Luxury, An, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li> +<li>Unwelcome Agreement, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li> +<li>Up and Down, <a href="#Page_301">301</a></li> +<li>Up in the World, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li> +<li>Upright Man, An, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li> +<li>Use is Second Nature, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li> +<li>Useful Ally, A, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li> +<li>Utilitarian Inquiry, A, <a href="#Page_328">328</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Vails To Servants</span>, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li> +<li>Vain Search, A, <a href="#Page_96">96</a></li> +<li>Vain Threat, A, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li> +<li>Valuable Beaver, A, <a href="#Page_301">301</a></li> +<li>Valuable Discovery, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li> +<li>Value of Applause, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li> +<li>Value of Nothing, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li> +<li>Vast Domain, <a href="#Page_21">21</a></li> +<li>Vera Cannie, <a href="#Page_243">243</a></li> +<li>Verse and Worse, <a href="#Page_118">118</a></li> +<li>Verses Written on a Window in the Highlands of Scotland, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></li> +<li>Very Appropriate, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li> +<li>Very Clear, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li> +<li>Very Easy, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li> +<li>Very Evident, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li> +<li>Very Like Each Other, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li> +<li>Very Likely, <a href="#Page_249">249</a>, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li> +<li>Very Pointed, <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li> +<li>Very Pretty, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li> +<li>Very Serious, <a href="#Page_130">130</a></li> +<li>Very Shocking, if True, <a href="#Page_254">254</a></li> +<li>Very True, <a href="#Page_173">173</a>, <a href="#Page_286">286</a></li> +<li>Vice Versâ, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></li> +<li>Visible Darkness, <a href="#Page_10">10</a></li> +<li>Visible Proof, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li> +<li>Visibly Losing, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li> +<li>Voluminous Speaker, A, <a href="#Page_148">148</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_389" id="Page_389">[Pg 389]</a></span></li> +<li>Vox et Præterea Nihil, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li> +<li>Vulgar Arguments, <a href="#Page_122">122</a></li> +<li>Vulgarity, <a href="#Page_362">362</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Walking Stick, A</span>, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li> +<li>Walpoliana, <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>, <a href="#Page_119">119</a></li> +<li>Warm Friendships, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li> +<li>Warm Man, A, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li> +<li>Warning to Ladies, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li> +<li>Waste of Time, <a href="#Page_42">42</a></li> +<li>Waste Powder, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li> +<li>Way of the World, <a href="#Page_75">75</a></li> +<li>Way of Using Books, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></li> +<li>Weak Woman, A, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li> +<li>Wearing Away, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li> +<li>Well-bred Horse, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li> +<li>Well Matched, <a href="#Page_6">6</a></li> +<li>Well Said, <a href="#Page_268">268</a></li> +<li>Well Turned, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li> +<li>Wellington, Duke of, and the Aurist, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li> +<li>Wellington Surprised, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li> +<li>Welsh Wig-ging, A, <a href="#Page_26">26</a></li> +<li>Wet and Dry, <a href="#Page_141">141</a></li> +<li>What Everybody Does, <a href="#Page_294">294</a></li> +<li>What is an Archdeacon?, <a href="#Page_295">295</a></li> +<li>What's a Hat without a Head?, <a href="#Page_285">285</a></li> +<li>What's Going On?, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li> +<li>What's in a Name?, <a href="#Page_279">279</a></li> +<li>What's in a Syllable?, <a href="#Page_151">151</a></li> +<li>What's my Thought Like?, <a href="#Page_305">305</a></li> +<li>Wheel of Fortune, The, <a href="#Page_195">195</a></li> +<li>Where it came from, <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li> +<li>Where is the Audience?, <a href="#Page_183">183</a></li> +<li>Whig and Tory, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li> +<li>Whist, <a href="#Page_244">244</a></li> +<li>Whist-Playing, <a href="#Page_229">229</a></li> +<li>Whitbread's Entire, <a href="#Page_359">359</a></li> +<li>White Hands, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li> +<li>White Teeth, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li> +<li>Who's the Fool?, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li> +<li>Who's to Blame?, <a href="#Page_136">136</a></li> +<li>Whose?, <a href="#Page_192">192</a></li> +<li>Why are Women Beardless?, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li> +<li>Why Master of the House?, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li> +<li>Wide-awake Minister, A, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li> +<li>Wide Difference, A, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li> +<li>"Wide, Wide Sea," The, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li> +<li>Wife at Forty, A, <a href="#Page_45">45</a></li> +<li>Wignell, the Actor, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></li> +<li>Wilberforce, Miss, <a href="#Page_298">298</a></li> +<li>Wilkes and Liberty, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li> +<li>Wilkes and a Liberty, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li> +<li>Wilkes's Ready Reply, <a href="#Page_224">224</a></li> +<li>Wilkes's Tergiversation, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li> +<li>Wilkie's Simplicity, <a href="#Page_91">91</a></li> +<li>Will and Away, A, <a href="#Page_259">259</a></li> +<li>Will and the Way, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li> +<li>Will, The, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li> +<li>Windy Minister, A, <a href="#Page_259">259</a></li> +<li>Winner at Cards, A, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li> +<li>Winning a Loss, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li> +<li>Wise Decision, A, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li> +<li>Wise Fool, A, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li> +<li>Wise Precaution, <a href="#Page_13">13</a></li> +<li>Wise Son who knew his own Father, A, <a href="#Page_6">6</a></li> +<li>Wit and Quackery, <a href="#Page_95">95</a></li> +<li>Wit Defined, <a href="#Page_95">95</a></li> +<li>Wits Agreeing, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li> +<li>Witty at his own Expense, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li> +<li>Witty Coward, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li> +<li>Witty Proposition, A, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li> +<li>Witty Thanksgiving, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li> +<li>Wolfe, General, <a href="#Page_167">167</a></li> +<li>Woman's Promises, A, <a href="#Page_62">62</a></li> +<li>Women, <a href="#Page_229">229</a></li> +<li>Wonderful Cure, A, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li> +<li>Wonderful Sight, A, <a href="#Page_258">258</a></li> +<li>Wonderful Unanimity, <a href="#Page_331">331</a></li> +<li>Wonderful Woman, A, <a href="#Page_5">5</a></li> +<li>Wooden Joke, A, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li> +<li>Woodman, A, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li> +<li>Woolsack, The, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li> +<li>Word in Season, A, <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li> +<li>Word to the Wise, A, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li> +<li>Words that Burn, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li> +<li>Worst of all Crimes, The, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li> +<li>Worst of Two Evils, The, <a href="#Page_269">269</a></li> +<li>Worth the Money, <a href="#Page_35">35</a></li> +<li>Worthy of Credit, <a href="#Page_129">129</a></li> +<li>"Write me Down an Ass", <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li> +<li>Writing for the Stage, <a href="#Page_234">234</a></li> +<li>Writing Treason, <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li> +<li>Written Character, A, <a href="#Page_6">6</a></li> +<li>Wrong Leg, The, <a href="#Page_48">48</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Yankee Yarn</span>, A, <a href="#Page_157">157</a></li> +<li>Yorke, Mr. Charles, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li> +<li>Yorkshire Bull, A, <a href="#Page_353">353</a></li> +<li>"You'll Get There Before I Can Tell You", <a href="#Page_239">239</a></li> +<li>Young, Dr., <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li> +<li>Young Idea, The, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li> +</ul> +<ul> +<li><span class="smcap">Zodiac Club, The</span>, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li> +</ul> + +<div class="trnote"> +<p>Transcriber's notes</p> + +<ul> +<li>Corrections to the Text. +<ul> +<li>Page 49, diagreeable corrected to disagreeable.</li> +<li>Page 72, betyraing corrected to betraying.</li> +<li>Page 171, LITLLE corrected to LITTLE.</li> +<li>Page 178, ill-conwenience corrected to ill-convenience.</li> +<li>Page 197, your're corrected to you're.</li> +<li>Page 275, distingushed corrected to distinguished.</li> +<li>Page 297, aud corrected to and.</li> +<li>Page 309, secretely corrected to secretly.</li> +<li>Page 341, Eor corrected to For.</li> +<li>Page 364, duplicated a removed.</li> +<li>Punctuation printing errors were corrected throughout the text.</li></ul></li> + + +<li>Corrections to the Index. +<ul> +<li>Acres and Wiseacres, 335 corrected to 355.</li> +<li>Affectation, 90 corrected to 98.</li> +<li>Best Wine, The, 193 corrected to 300.</li> +<li>Brief Correspondence, 178 corrected to 179.</li> +<li>Cause and Effect, 318 corrected to 344.</li> +<li>Hinc Illę Lachrymę, 70 corrected to Ille, as per entry on page 70.</li> +<li>Sage Advice, 128 corrected to 28.</li> +<li>Reverse of Circumstances, 9 corrected to 10.</li> +<li>Reason Why, The, 213 corrected to 231.</li> +<li>New Scholar, A, 82 corrected to 98.</li> +<li>Naval Oratory, 108 corrected to 117.</li> +<li>Money's Work, 188 corrected to Money's Worth, as per entry on page 188.</li> +<li>Omnious, Very!, 213 corrected to Ominous, as per entry on page 213.</li> +<li>Explanation, An, 180, was out of order alphabetically, and was moved one line down.</li></ul></li></ul> + +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE JEST BOOK *** + +***** This file should be named 20352-h.htm or 20352-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + 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