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diff --git a/20338.txt b/20338.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a55524 --- /dev/null +++ b/20338.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1706 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, +December 24, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 24, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 11, 2007 [EBook #20338] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 103. + + DECEMBER 24, 1892. + + + +[Illustration: SNUBBING A DECADENT. + +_He._ "A--DON'T YOU FIND EXISTENCE AN AWFUL BORE?" + +_She._ "A--WELL, _SOME_ PEOPLE'S EXISTENCE--MOST DECIDEDLY!"] + + * * * * * + +YULE-TIDE--OLD AND NEW. + +AT THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE CENTURY. + +And they made merry in the good old fashion. The pictures on the walls +were covered with holly and mistletoe. They had come from British woods. +Then the tables groaned with Christmas cheer. The baron of beef was +flanked with plum-pudding and mince-pies. There never was a more jovial +crew. The compliments of the season were passed round, and the Christmas +Waits, singing their Christmas carols, were entertained right royally. +For was it not a time of peace and good will? Then there was a mighty +laugh. A huge joke had been perpetrated. Grandfather had been asleep, +and he was telling the youngsters, who had been playing a round game, +the character of his dream. + +"I give you my word it is true," said the old man. "Yes, I actually +forgot it was Christmas!" + +"But it was only in your dreams, Grandpapa," urged one of his +descendants. + +"Yes, but that was bad enough," cried the old man in a tone of +self-reproach, "fancy forgetting Christmas--even in one's dreams! +Everything seems changing nowadays!" + +But the Grandfather was wrong--the Christmas bills were unchangeable. +And ever will be! + + +AT THE END OF THE CENTURY. + +And certainly it was dull enough in all conscience. Nowadays everything +is dull. Although it was towards the end of December, the room was +decorated with summer flowers. They had come from Algeria. Then the +side-table was spread with a _recherche_ repast, for they were all going +to dine _a la Russe_. But the guests were sad and thoroughly bored. They +had sent a policeman after the itinerant street-musicians, with the +desired result. Inside and outside silence reigned triumphant. Was it +not a time for "moving on" and threatening "six weeks without the option +of a fine"? + +Then there was a deep groan. A young man--somebody's Grandson--suggested +a round game. At first the suggestion was received with derision. + +"You can't get up a Missing Word Competition," said one. "No, my +Grandson, you can't." + +"Can't I?" said the youngster, who had been called 'Grandson.' "Can't I? +Look here, I will write out a Word, and I will bet you none of you will +guess it." + +And "Grandson" wrote out a Word on a piece of paper, and sealed it in a +packet. Then he called out the sentence, "The present season of the year +is known as----" + +Then they all tried to guess it. Some one said "unfavourable," another +"pleasant," a third "dreary," and a fourth "troublesome." + +But they all were wrong. + +At last the sealed-up packet was produced, and opened. For the first +time there was a smile when the Word was known. + +"Who would have thought of it?" was the cry. + +The word chosen was "Christmas." + +"Fancy anyone remembering Christmas! Even for a Missing Word +Competition! Everything seems changing nowadays!" + +But the Grandson was wrong--his Christmas bills were unchangeable. And +ever will be! + + * * * * * + + +"ART COMPETITIONS." + + "Since these competitions were started, the public had been educated + in artistic matters, and their judgment was almost equal to that of + the members of the Royal Academy."--_Mr. Poland's Speech in the + "Missing Word" case._ + + Mr. Poland said, at Bow Street, + Choosing pictures thus imparts + Judgment good as that of those treat- + Ed as foremost in the arts. + + Hitherto each paid his shilling + At the House of Burling_ton_, + Gazed at pictures, feeble, thrilling, + Bad or good, and wandered on-- + + Stared with awe-struck admiration + At "the Picture of the Year," + Gained artistic education + In a stuffy atmosphere. + + Then all changed; he paid his shilling + And he sent his coupon in + To a weekly paper, willing + To discriminate the tin; + + And be wisely praised or blamed, yet + He knew nothing of design, + The BRIDGE of Bow Street claimed yet + One more shilling as a fine. + + Oh, rejoice, Academicians! + Learned BRIDGE knew what to do; + Artisans or mechanicians + Might have grown as wise as you. + + Which would sadden any just man, + And might make an angel weep-- + DICKSEE distanced by a dustman, + STOREY staggered by a sweep! + + BOUGHTON beaten by a baker, + Housemaids humbling helpless HOOK; + STONE surpassed by sausage-maker, + COOPER conquered by a cook! + + CROWE or CROFTS crushed by a cow-boy, + MILLAIS made by milkmen mad, + PETTIE plucked by any ploughboy, + LEIGHTON licked by butcher's lad! + + It effected all you care for, + But Sir JOHN has pulled you through; + Bold Bow-Street's Beak is, therefore, + No Bridge of Sighs for you + + * * * * * + +"A NOTE ON THE APPRECIATION OF GOLD."--Send a five-pound note (verified +by the Bank of England) to our office, and we will undertake to get it +changed _immediately_, and thereupon to hand over to the Bearer, in +exchange for the note, _two golden sovereigns, and one golden +half-sovereign, ready cash_. This will show what is _our_ appreciation +of gold. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SKELETON AT THE FEAST.] + +"I confess it does seem to me that certain decisions made by a competent +tribunal hare rendered it extremely doubtful whether there is a single +one of the 670 gentlemen who now compose the House of Commons, who might +not find himself, by some accident, unseated, if a full investigation +were made into everything that had taken place in his constituency, say, +during the ten years preceding his candidature."--_Mr. Balfour at +Sheffield._ + +_M.P. (of any Party you please), loquitur:--_ + + PHEW! It's all very fine, when you gather to dine, + And to blow off the steam, while you blow off your 'bacca, + (As the farmers of Aylesbury did, when their wine + Was sweetened with "news from the Straits of Malacca"); + But things are much changed since the voters of Bucks + Flushed red with loud fun at the phrases of DIZZY, + And M.P.'s are dreadfully down on their lucks, + Since BALFOUR'S confounded "tribunals" got busy. + + What precious stiff posers to loyal Primrosers + Are offered by Rochester, Walsall, and Hexham! + Platform perorators, post-prandial glosers, + Must find many points to perplex 'em and vex 'em. + It bothers a spouter who freely would flourish + Coat-tails and mixed tropes at political dinners, + When doubts of his safety he's driven to nourish, + Through publicans rash and (electoral) sinners. + + Good lack, and good gracious! One may be veracious, + And look with disgust upon bribes and forced bias, + Yet owing to "Agents" more hot than sagacious, + _Appear_ as _Autolycus-cum_-ANANIAS. + One might just as soon be a Man-in-the-Moon, + Or hark back at once to the style of Old Sarum. + That Act (Corrupt Practices) may be a boon. + But the way they apply it seems most harum-scarum. + + Should a would-be M.P. ask old ladies to tea, + Or invite male supporters to crumpets or cricket; + Should a snug Party Club prove a trifle too free, + Or give an equivocal "treat," or hat-ticket; + A seven years' nursing of Slopville-on-Slime, + A well-fought Election and Glorious Victory + (Crowed o'er by proud Party prints at the time) + May--lose you your Seat. It does seem contradictory. + + Of course, my good friends, one would not say a word, + Against England's glory--Electoral Purity! + Suspect _me_ of slighting that boon? Too absurd! + But what good's a Seat without _some_ small security. + To fight tooth and nail, land a win, and then fail + Along of dishon--I mean o'er-zealous "Agents"-- + Well, well, I don't wish at our Judges to rail, + But--putting it plainly--I fear it won't pay, gents. + + 'Tis hard to attend a political feast, + And strut like a peacock, and crow like a bantam, + Yet feel at one's back, like a blast from the east, + A be-robed and be-wigged and blood-curdling law phantom. + Stentorian cheers, and uproarious hear-hears, + Though welcome, won't banish the sense of "wet-blanket" + (That's INGOLDSBY'S rhyme), when Petition-bred fears + Conjure up a grim Skeleton (Judge) at the Banquet! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUCH A HAPPY FAMILY PARTY--AT CHRISTMAS. + +_Uncle John_ (_losing his money and his temper_). "NOW, JANE, DO ME A +FAVOUR FOR ONCE, AND _DON'T_ SHOW YOUR HAND!" + +_Aunt Jane_ (_whose best Cards her Partner has invariably +over-trumped_). "I CAN'T HELP IT. YOU SHOW _YOUR_ HANDS, AND I'M SURE +_THEY_'RE NO BEAUTIES!" [_After this, there's a prospect of a very +pleasant evening._] + + * * * * * + +THE SHORTEST DAY. + + SHORT verse + We need, + Most terse + Indeed, + That it-- + This lay-- + May fit + This day. + Short sight + Of sun. + Long night, + Begun + At four, + Sunshine + Once more + At nine. + A. M. + Meets eyes + Of them + Who rise + If no + Fog hide-- + Then woe + Betide; + The day + That ought + To stay + So short + A space + Can't show + Its face + Below. + But when + It goes, + Why then + One knows + New Year + Will soon + Be here-- + Then June, + So bright! + So sweet! + So light! + We'll greet + The day + That's long + With gay, + Glad song-- + + Excessively long-footed verse will undoubtedly characterise what + we say, + For LONGFELLOW'S longest lines skip along when we've long longed + for the Longest Day. + + (_Signed_) TOUCHSTONE. + + * * * * * + + MILITARY MOTTO FOR THE NEW SOUTH LONDON OPHTHALMIC HOSPITAL OPENED + LAST FRIDAY BY THE DUKE OF YORK.--"Eyes right!" + + * * * * * + + THE CHOICE OF BOOKS. + + To various opinions the quidnuncs give voice, + But the best "choice of books" means--the books of your choice. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST WORD. + +(_A Domestic Drama of the Day before Yesterday._) + + +SCENE.--_The Breakfast Room at Linoleum Lodge, the suburban residence +of_ SAMUEL STODGEFORD, Esq. Mr. _and_ Mrs. STODGEFORD, _their son_ +PARMENAS, _and daughters_ POMPILIA _and_ PRISCILLA, _discovered at +breakfast._ + +_Mr. Stodgeford._ We shall probably get it by the second post, and +though the delay is--ah--to some extent, annoying, we must not allow +ourselves to be unduly impatient. Personally, I regard these--ah--weekly +competitions as chiefly valuable in providing an innocent form of +domestic recreation, and an interesting example of the--ah--value of +words. + +_Parmenas S._ The value of _one_ word, I should say, Father. Last week, +as there were very few who guessed right, it amounted to a considerable +sum. + +_Mr. S._ That is a stimulant to ingenuity, no doubt, with some minds, +but let us put that aside. We feel some natural curiosity to know +whether we have selected the missing adjective, and I see no reason +myself to doubt that our united efforts will this time be crowned with +success. + +_Pompilia._ It is almost impossible that it won't be _one_ of the two +hundred and fifty we sent in. + +_Parmenas._ I drew up a list of synonyms which, I flatter myself, was +practically exhaustive. + +_Priscilla._ I dreamt I heard a voice saying quite clearly in my ear, +"Nonsensical! nonsensical!"--like that--so I sent it in the first thing +next morning. + +_Mr. S._ These--ah--supernatural monitions are not vouchsafed to us +without a purpose. It _may_ be "nonsensical." + +_Mrs. S._ The only two words _I_ could think of were, "absurd" and +"idiotic," and I'm afraid they haven't much chance. + +_Mr. S._ I wouldn't say that, SOPHRONIA. It is not always the most +appropriate epithet that--let me run over the paragraph again--where is +last week's paper? Ah, I have it. (_He procures it and reads with +unction._) "The lark, as has been frequently observed by the poets, is +in the habit of ascending to high altitudes in the exercise of his vocal +functions. Scientific meteorologists, it is true, do not consider that +there is any immediate danger of a descent of the sky, but many +bird-catchers of experience are of opinion that, should such a +contingency happen, the number of these feathered songsters included in +the catastrophe would, in all probability, be simply----" It might be +"idiotic," of course, but I fancy "incalculable," or "appalling" would +be nearer the mark. + +_Parmenas._ Too obvious, _I_ should say. If you had adopted a few more +of the words I got from _Roget's Thesaurus_, we should have been safer. +Sending in a word like "disgusting" was sheer waste of one-and-twopence! +And as for POMPILIA, with her synonyms to "sensational," and PRISCILLA, +with her rubbishy superstition, depend upon it, _they_'re no good! + +_Pompilia._ You think you know so much, because you've been to London +University--but _we've_ been to a High School; so we're not absolute +_idiots_. PARMENAS! + +_Priscilla._ And I'm sure people have dreamt which horse was going to +win a race over and over again! + +_Mr. S._ Come, come, let us have none of these unseemly disputes! And, +when you compare a literary competition with--ah--a mere gambling +transaction, PRISCILLA, you do a grave injustice to us all. You forget +that we have, all of us, worked hard for success; we have given our +whole thoughts and time to the subject. I have stayed at home from the +office day after day. Your mother has had no leisure for the cares of +the household; your brother has suspended his studies for his +approaching examination, and your elder sister her labours at the East +End--on purpose to devote our combined intelligence to the subject. And +are we to be told that we are no better than the brainless multitude who +speculate on horse-racing! I am not _angry_, my child, I am +only--(_Enter_ ROBERT, _the_ Page, _with a paper in a postal wrapper.) +Tiddler's Miscellany_--ha, at last! Why didn't you bring it up before, +Sir? You must have known it was important! + +_Robert._ Please, Sir, it's on'y just come, Sir. + +_Mr. S. (snatching the paper from him, and tearing it open; the other +members of the family crowd round excitedly)._ Now we shall see! Where's +the place? Confound the thing! Why can't they print the result in +a----(_His face falls._) What are you waiting for, Sir? Leave the room! + +[_To_ ROBERT, _who has lingered about the sideboard._ + +_Robert._ Beg pardon, Sir, but would you mind reading out the +Word--'cause I'm---- + +_The Family._ Read the Word, Papa, do! + +_Mr. S. (keeping the Journal)._ All in good time. (_Addressing_ ROBERT.) +Am I to understand, Sir, that you have actually had the presumption to +engage in this competition?--an uneducated young rascal like you! + +_Robert._ I didn't mean no harm, Sir, I sent in nothink--it was on'y a +lark, Sir! + +_The Family (dancing with suspense)._ Oh, never mind ROBERT now, +Father--do read out the Word! + +_Mr. S. (ignoring their anxiety)._ If you sent in nothing, Sir, so much +the better. But, in case you should be tempted to such a piece of +infatuation in future, let me tell you this by way of--ah--warning. I +and my family, have, with every advantage that superior education and +abilities can bestow, sent in, after prolonged and careful deliberation, +no less than two hundred and fifty separate solutions, and not a single +one of these solutions, Sir, proves to be the correct one! + +_The Family (collapsing on the nearest chairs)._ Oh, it can't be +true--one of them _must_ be right! + +_Mr. S._ Unfortunately, they are not. I will read you the sentence as +completed. _(Reads.)_ "Should such a contingency happen, the number of +these feathered songsters included in the catastrophe would, in all +probability, be simply--ah--_nought_!" Now I venture to assert that +nothing short of--ah--absolute genius could possibly----(_To_ ROBERT.) +What do you mean by interrupting me, Sir? + +_Robert._ Please, Sir, _I_ said nothink, Sir! + +_Pompilia._ Oh, what _does_ it matter? Give me the paper, Papa. _(She +snatches it.)_ Oh, listen to this:--"The number of solutions sent in was +five hundred thousand, which means that twenty-five thousand pounds +remain for division. The only competitor who gave the correct solution +was Mr. ROBERT CONKLING, of Linoleum Lodge, Camberwell...." _Oh!_ Why, +that's _you_, ROBERT! + +_Robert._ Yes, Miss, I told you I said "Nothink," Miss. I'm sure if I'd +thought---- + +_Mr. S. (gasping)._ Twenty-five thousand pounds! Ah, ROBERT, I trust you +will not forget that this piece of--ah--unmerited good fortune was +acquired by you under this humble roof. Shake hands, my boy! + +_Pompilia._ Wait, Papa--don't shake hands till I've +done--_(continuing)--_"Mr. CONKLING, however, having elected to +disregard our conditions, requiring the solution to be written out in +full, and to express the word "Nought" by a cipher, we cannot consider +him legally entitled to the prize----" + +_Mr. S._ How dare you use my private address for your illiterate +attempts, Sir? + +_Prisc. (seizing the paper)._ Why don't you read it all?----"We are +prepared, nevertheless, to waive this informality, and a cheque for the +full amount of twenty-five thousand pounds, payable to his order, will +be forwarded to Mr. CONKLING accordingly----" + +_Mr. S._ Well, ROBERT, you deserve it, I must say--shake +hands!--I--ah--_mean_ it. + +_Robert._ Thankee, Sir, I'm sure--it was Cook and JANE 'elped me, Sir, +but--(_dolefully_)--I sold my chanst to the butcher-boy, for tuppence +and a mouth-orgin, Sir. + +[Illustration: "I sold my Chanst to the Butcher-boy!"] + +_Mr. S._ You unspeakable young idiot! But there, you will know better +another time; and now go out at once, and order five hundred copies of +_Tiddler_--a periodical which offers such intellectual +and--ah--substantial advantages, deserves some encouragement. (_Exit_ +ROBERT.) Now Mother, PARMENAS, girls--all of you, let us set to work, +and see--just for the--ah--fun of the thing--if we can't be more +fortunate with the _next_ competition. We'll have Cook and JANE, +and--ah--ROBERT in to help; the housework can look after itself for once +... what is it _now_, PRISCILLA? + +_Prisc. (faintly)._ I've just seen this. (_Reads._) "In consequence of +the recent decision at Bow Street, those who send solutions for this, +and any future competitions, will not be required to forward any +remittance with their coupons----" + +_Mr. S._ (_approvingly_). An admirable arrangement--puts a stop at once +to any pernicious tendency to--ah--speculation! + +_Prisc._ (_continuing_)--"and successful competitors must, we fear, be +content with no other reward than that of honourable mention." + +_Mr. S._ Here, send after ROBERT, somebody! It's scandalous that the +precious time of a whole family should be frittered away in these +unedifying and--ah--idiotic competitions. I will not allow another +_Tiddler_ to enter my house! + +_Robert_ (_entering with his arms full of "Tiddlers"_). Please, Sir, I +brought a 'undred, Sir, and they'll send up the rest as soon as ever +they----Oh Lor, Sir, I on'y done as I was told, Sir! + +[_He is pounced upon, severely cuffed by a righteously indignant family, +and sent flying in a whirlwind of tattered "Tiddlers," as the Scene +closes._ + + * * * * * + +LAYS OF MODERN HOME. + +THE MUFFIN MAN. + +[Illustration] + + Ah! welcome, through autumnal mist, + For each returning ruralist, + Waif metropolitan, to list + Thy tinkle unto. + + No sound of seas or bees or trees + Can Londoners so truly please-- + The cheapest epicure with ease + Thy dainties run to. + + They need not, like the fruits on sticks, + The fruits Venetian boyhood licks, + A voice with operatic tricks + Their praise to trumpet. + + The simple bell shall, fraught with sense + Of teapot, urn, and hearth intense. + Best herald thee and thy commensurable + crumpet. + + Lives there a cit with soul so dead + Who never to himself hath said, + "This is my crisp, my native-bred, + My British muffin!"? + + Let picturesque Autolyci + Their cloying foreign dainties cry; + _I_ don't see much to buy, not I, + Such messy stuff in! + + Mysterious vagrant, dost prepare + Thyself that inexpensive fare; + Thyself, partake of it--and _where?_-- + The boon thou sellest? + + 'Tis Home, where'er it be; thy load + Can cheer the pauper's dark abode, + And lack of it, with gloom corrode + The very swellest. + + There are who deem it vulgar fun + For dressy bachelors to run + Themselves to stop thee; I'm not one + So nicely silly: + + _I_'m not ashamed to track thy way, + And test the triumphs of thy tray, + And bring them back in paper, say, + To Piccadilly. + + Yes, heedless of a gibing town, + To hand them PHYLLIS, sit me down, + And wait, till they come up in brown + And glossy sections. + + Then, brew my cup--the best Ceylon-- + And, bidding care and chill begone, + Concentre heart and mouth upon + Thy warm perfections. + + * * * * * + +MONTECARLOTTERY. + + [It remains true that for those who want a brief and exhilarating + change, and are glad to reap for the nonce the harvest of a quiet + eye, there are spots within the borders of England which, both in + climate and in scenery, can vie with the proudest and most vaunted + watering-places of the Sunny South."--_Daily Paper._] + +_Damon on the Riviera, to Pythias at Torquay._--"Here I am, by the blue +Mediterranean! At least, the attendant of the sleeping-car says the +Mediterranean is somewhere about, only, as a violent rain-storm is going +on, we can't see it. Very tired by journey. Feel that, after all, you +were probably right in deciding to try the coast of Devonshire this +winter, instead of Riviera." + +_Pythias at Torquay, to Damon at Nice._--"Coast of Devonshire +delightful, so far. Pleasant run down from London by G. W. R.--only five +hours. Thought of and pitied your crossing to Calais, and long +night-and-day journey after. You should just see our geraniums and +fuchsias, growing out-of-doors in winter! Mind and tell me in your next +how the olives and orange-trees look." + +_Damon to Pythias._--"Olives all diseased--have not seen an orange-tree +yet--there is my reply to the query in your last. Hitherto I have not +had much opportunity of seeing anything, as the mistral has been +blowing, and it has been rather colder than England in March. Wretched +cold in my head. No decent fires--only pine-cones and logs to burn, +instead of coal! Wish I were at Torquay with you!" + +_Pythias to Damon._--"Sorry to hear that Riviera is such a failure. More +pleased than ever with Devonshire. Glorious warm sunshine to-day. +Natives say they hardly ever have frost. Children digging on sand on +Christmas Eve--too hot for great-coat. Rain comes down occasionally, but +then it dries up in no time. Quite a little Earthly Paradise. Glad I +found it out." + +_Later from Damon._--"Riviera better. Mistral gone. Sun warm, and have +seen my first orange-tree. Have also found that there's a place called +Monte Carlo near Nice. Have you ever heard of it? There's a Casino +there, where they have free concerts. Off there now!" + +_Later from Pythias._--"After all, Devonshire _is_ sometimes a little +damp. Yes, I _have_ heard of Monte Carlo Casino, and I wish there was +anything of the sort at Torquay. Walks and drives pretty, but +monotonous. Hills annoying. Still, evidently far superior to any part of +Riviera. + +_Still later from Damon._--"Glorious place, Monte Carlo. Superb grounds! +Scenery lovely, and Casinery still lovelier! And, between ourselves, I +have already more than paid for expenses of my trip by my winnings at +the Tables. No time for more just now. Must back the red!" + +_Reply to above from Pythias._--"Very sorry to hear you have been +playing at the Tables. Sure to end in ruin. By the bye, what system do +you use? The subject interests me merely as a mathematical problem, of +course. Wish _I_ could pay expenses of my Devonshire hotel so easily. +But then one ought to have _some_ reward for visiting such a dreary +place as the Riviera, with its Mistrals, and diseased olive-trees, and +all that." + +_Latest from Damon._--"Since writing my last letter, my views of the +Riviera have altered. The climate, I find, does not suit me. Sun doesn't +shine as much as I expected--not at night, for instance. Then the +existence of an olive disease anywhere near is naturally very +_degoutant_ (as they say here). And the Casino at Monte Carlo is simply +an organised swindle. It ought to be put down! After staking ten times +in succession on "Zero," and doubling my stake each time, I was +absolutely cleared out! Only just enough money to take me home. Shall +follow your example, and try Torquay for the rest of the winter." + +_Latest from Pythias._--"Just a hasty line to say--_don't_ come to +Torquay! I am leaving it. Since I last wrote, my views of Devonshire +have also altered. Can't conceal from myself that the climate is a +mistake. Damp, dull, and depressing. Your account of Monte Carlo--_not_ +the Casino, of course--so enchanting, that I've determined to try it. +Just off to London to catch '_train de luxe!_'" + + * * * * * + +THE MISSING WORD. + +(_By a much-badgered Barmaid._) + + Each boobyish bar-lounger calls me "dear," + And "Misses" me in manner most absurd. + I should not miss _him_! But the boss, I fear, + Would miss his custom; so I still must hear + His odious "Miss-ing" word! + But oh! I'd sooner bear a monkey's kisses, + Than some of these cheap mashers' mincing + "Misses"! + And there is one young ape!--I'd stand "two d" + Could I hit him each time he "Misses" me! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +[Illustration: Notes] + +AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL.--I should be glad to know whether it would be +advisable for me to write a book of "Reminiscences," as I see is now the +fashion. My life has been chiefly passed in a moorland-village in +Yorkshire, so that it has not been very eventful, and I have never +written anything before; still the public might like to hear my opinions +on things in general, and I think I could make the anecdote of how our +kitchen chimney once caught fire--which would be the most important +incident chronicled--rather thrilling. Among interesting and eminent +persons I have met, and of whom I could give some account in my +forthcoming work, are Mr. GLADSTONE (who passed through our station in a +train going at fifty miles an hour while I was on the platform), Lord +SALISBURY whom I met (under similar circumstances, and the back of whose +head I feel confident that I actually saw) and the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE of +England, who ordered an Usher to remove me from his Court at the Assizes +as I was (incorrectly) alleged to be snoring. I should be glad to hear +of any leading Publisher who would be likely to offer a good price for +such a book.--RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS. A REHEARSAL. + +_The Captain._ "AT THIS STAGE OF THE PROCEEDINGS I'VE GOT TO KISS YOU, +LADY GRACE. WILL YOUR HUSBAND MIND, DO YOU THINK?" + +_Lady Grace._ "OH NO! IT'S FOR A _CHARITY_, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"CHRISTMAS IS COMING!" + + "Christmas _is_ coming!" Pleasant truth + To all--save the dyspeptic! + To most in whom some smack of youth + Hath influence antiseptic. + Pessimists prate, and prigs be-rate + The time of mirth and holly; + But why should time-soured sages "slate" + The juvenile and jolly? + "Though some churls at our mirth repine" + (As old GEORGE WITHER put it), + We'll whiff our weed, and sip our wine, + And watch the youngsters foot it. + They did so in quaint WITHER'S time, + When wassail-bowls were humming, + And still girls laugh, and church-bells chime, + Because--"Christmas is coming!" + + "Christmas is coming!" Let him bring + Mirth to the toiling million. + What is't he bears--a gracious thing-- + Behind him on the pillion? + Her snowy garb, and smile benign, + Make sunshine in dark places; + The gentlest, rarest, most divine + Of all the Christian graces. + Her eyes are full of loving light, + Her hands with gifts are laden; + True Yule-tide Almoner, of right, + This _Una_-pure sweet maiden! + She smiles on all, full-feeding mirth, + Young love, mad motley mumming; + There is loss dearth of joy on earth, + Because--"Christmas is coming!" + + A Merry Christmas? Round each room + That's writ in leaf and berry; + But there be those, alas! to whom + There's mockery in the "Merry." + Merry?--when sorrow loads the heart, + And nothing loads the larder? + In the world's play the poor man's part + At Yule-tide seems yet harder. + Good cheer to him who hungry goes, + And mirth to her who sorrows, + Lend bitter chill to Christmas snows. + Small joy care's bondsman borrows. + From jollity he may not share, + Despair is darkly drumming + At his dull breast, whose hearth won't flare, + Because--"Christmas is coming!" + + Good Greybeard Sire, you would not tire + Gay youth with tales of trouble; + World-gladness is your heart's desire, + And so you're--riding double! + Pleasant to see dear Charity + Close pillion-poised behind you, + Eager to bid her gifts fly free, + We're happy so to find you. + Ride on, and scatter largesse wide! + Sore need is still no rarity, + For all our Progress, Power, and Pride, + We can't dispense with Charity. + Ride on, kind pair, and may the air + With happiness be humming, + And poverty shake off despair, + Because--"Christmas is coming!" + + * * * * * + + RATHER TOO PREMATURE.--We see "_Christmas Leaves_" advertised + everywhere in glaring colours. This announcement is too early. + "_Christmas Comes_," it should be, and then, any time after the + 25th, will be appropriate for the announcement of his departure. + + * * * * * + +THE PORTER'S SLAM. + + [A meeting at Manchester has raised a protest against the nuisance + caused by the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.] + + The porter has a patent "slam," + Which smites one like a blow, + And everywhere that porter comes, + That "slam" is sure to go. + It strikes upon the tym-pa-num + Like shock of dynamite; + By day it nearly makes you dumb-- + It deafens you at night. + When startled by that patent "slam," + The pious pas-sen-jare, + Says something else that ends in "am," + (Or he has patience rare.) + Not only does it cause a shock, + But--Manchester remarks-- + "Depreciates the rolling stock," + Well, that is rather larks! + _That_'s not the point. The porter's slam + Conduces to insanity, + And, though as mild as MARY's lamb, + Drives men to loud profanity. + If Manchester the "slam" can stay + By raising of a stir, + All railway-travellers will say, + "Bully for Man-ches-ter!" + + * * * * * + + _Kelly's Directory for_ 1893.--Invaluable, and considered as + "portable property" (to quote _Pip's_ friend), admirably suited for + the pocket of any individual who should happen to be about + twenty-five feet high. _How to use it?_ Why--see inside--it is full + of "Directions." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"] + + * * * * * + +MIXED NOTIONS.--No. II. UGANDA. + +SCENE--_As before, a Railway-carriage in a suburban morning train to +London. Persons also as before--namely, two_ Well-informed Men, _an_ +Inquirer, _and an_ Average Man. + +_First Well-informed Man_ (_laying down his paper_). So the Government's +going to stick to Uganda, after all. I had a notion, from the beginning, +they wouldn't be allowed to scuttle. + +_Average Man._ Ah--I don't know that I'm particularly enthusiastic about +Uganda. + +_Inquirer._ Why not? + +_A. M._ What are we going to get out of it?--that's the question. We go +interfering all over the world, grabbing here, and grabbing there, +merely in order to keep other people out; and then some nigger King, +with a cold in his head, sneezes as he passes the Union Jack. That's an +insult to the flag, of course; so off goes an expedition, and, before +you know where you are, we've spent about ten millions, and added a few +thousand acres of swamp to the Empire. Why can't we leave things alone? +Haven't we got enough? + +_First W. I. M._ That's all very well, I daresay; but you forget that +the Berlin Conference made Uganda one of our spheres of influence. + +_Inquirer._ When was that? + +_First W. I. M._ Why, just after the Franco-Prussian War. They all met +in Berlin to settle up everything--and we got Uganda. + +_Inquirer._ I thought it was later than that, somehow. + +_First W. I. M._ Well, anyhow, it was somewhere about that time. I don't +pledge myself to a year or two. But what I say about Uganda is this. +We're there--or rather the Company is--and we should simply disgrace +ourselves before the whole world if we chucked up the sponge now. And, +if we did, we should have France or Germany nipping in directly. + +_Second W. I. M._ They can't. + +_First W. I. M._ Why not? + +_Second W. I. M._ Why not! Because it's our sphere of influence whatever +happens. + +_Inquirer_ (_timidly_). I'm afraid you'll think me very ignorant, but I +don't quite know what a "sphere of influence" is. I've read a lot about +it lately, but I can't quite make it out. + +_Second W. I. M._ (_condescendingly_). Yes, I know it's deuced difficult +to keep up with these new notions, unless you're in the way of hearing +all about them. Spheres of influence mean--well, don't you know, they +mean some country that's not quite yours, but it's more yours than +anybody else's, and if anybody else comes into it, you're allowed to +make a protocol of it. Besides, it gives you a right to the Hinterland, +you know. + +_Inquirer_ (_dubiously_). Ah, I see. What's the Hinterland? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_stumped_). I fancy it's about the most fertile part +of Africa. (_To First W. I. M._) Isn't it? + +_First W. I. M._ Yes, that's it. It's the German for Highlands. + +_Inquirer._ Of course, so it is. I might have thought of that. + +_Average Man_ (_to First W. I. M._). Seems to me you've none of you got +hold of the right point. What I want to know is, does Uganda pay? LUGARD +says it don't; the Company hasn't made anything of it, and they've got +to go whether they like it or not; though I daresay they're deuced glad +to be out of the hole. But, if it don't pay, what on earth are we going +to do with it? + +_Second W I. M._ (_triumphantly reinforcing him_). Yes, what on earth +are we to do with it? + +_First W. I. M._ (_calmly, but contemptuously_). Ah! I see you're both +little-England men. From your point of view, I daresay you're right +enough. But I'm one of those who believe that we must stick on wherever +we've planted the flag. I agree with MOLTKE, that the nation that gives +up is in a state of decay. + +_Second W. I. M._ It wasn't MOLTKE who said that; it was VICTOR HUGO, or +(_after a pause_) Lord PALMERSTON. + +_First W. I. M._ Well, it doesn't matter who said it. The point is, it's +true. Besides, what are you going to do about the slaves and the +Missionaries? + +_Average Man._ Oh, bother the Missionaries! + +_First W. I. M._ It's all very well to say "bother the Missionaries!" +but that won't get you any further. They're our fellow-creatures after +all, and what's more, they're our fellow-countrymen, so we've got to +look after them. + +_Average Man._ I should let the whole lot of Missionaries fight it out +together. They only keep quarrelling amongst themselves, and trying to +bag one another's converts; and then France and England get involved. + +_Inquirer._ By the way, where is Uganda, exactly? + +_First W. I. M._ Just behind Zanzibar--or somewhere about there. You can +get to it best from Mashonaland. Didn't you see that RHODES said he was +going to make a telegraph-line through there? It used to belong to the +SULTAN OF ZANZIBAR. Don't you remember? + +_Inquirer._ Of course; so it did. + +[_Train draws up at Terminus._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE. + +_Vegetarian Professor._ "NO, MADAM, NOT EVEN FISH. I CANNOT SANCTION THE +DESTRUCTION OF LIFE. THESE LITTLE ANIMALS, FOR INSTANCE, WERE BUT +YESTERDAY SWIMMING HAPPILY IN THE SEA." + +_Mrs. O'Laughlan._ "OH BUT, PROFESSOR, JUST THINK IT'S THE FIRST TIME +THE POOR LITTLE THINGS HAVE EVER BEEN REALLY WARM IN THEIR LIVES!"] + + * * * * * + +"'TWAS WHISPERED IN HEAVEN, 'TWAS MUTTERED IN H----." _A propos_ of the +much-discussed article written by Dr. ST. GEORGE MIVART in _The +Nineteenth Century_, on "Happiness in Hell."--begging pardon for +uttering a word "unmentionable to ears polite,"--our old friend 'ARRY +writes thusly:--"Sir,--We 'ave all of us been familiar for years with +the well-known 'Mivart's 'Otel.' If the clever Professor is correct, +this name ought to be changed, as there ain't no such a place; and, in +future, when alluded to, it ought to be called _Mivart's Cool 'el._ Am I +right? + + "Yours truly, THE 'ARRY OPAGITE." + + * * * * * + + In "Lucky Shoes," baskets, and in other dainty trifles, does RIMMEL + arrange his beautiful bottles of scent. RIMMEL is not a Head Centre, + but our Chief Scenter, "and," exclaims Mr. WAGSTAFF, the Unabashed, + "what a great day will be his Scentenary!" + + * * * * * + + "THE SILENT BATTLE."--See this charming piece at the Criterion. Of + course it is brought out by Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM in illustration of + the old proverb, "_Acts, not words._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAPPY AND NOVEL COMBINATION! THE HARMONIOUS CHRISTMAS +"PARTY."] + + * * * * * + +CHOOSING CHRISTMAS TOYS. + +(_A Sketch in the Lowther Arcade._) + + +_Between the sloping banks of toys, and under a dense foliage of +coloured rosettes, calico banners, and Japanese-lanterns, the congested +Stream of Custom oozes slowly along, with an occasional overflow into +the backwaters of the shops behind, while the Stall-keepers keep up a +batrachian and almost automatic croak of invitation._ + +_Fond Grandmother._ So you've chosen a box of soldiers, have you, +FRANKY?--very well. Now what shall we get for little ELSIE and Baby? + +_Franky (promptly)._ Another box of soldiers would do nicely for ELSIE, +Grandmamma, and--_I_ know, a fort for Baby! + +_Grandm. (doubtfully)._ But they're such _little_ tots--they won't know +how to play with them. + +_Franky._ Oh, but I can _teach_ them, you know, Grandmamma. + +_Grandm._ That's right--I like to see a boy kind to his little sisters. + +[_She adopts_ Master FRANKY'S _disinterested suggestion._ + +_A Mother._ Now, PERCY, it's all nonsense--you _can't_ want any more +toys--those you've got are as good as new. (_To her Friend._) He's such +a boy for taking care of his things--he'll hardly trust his toys out of +their boxes, and won't allow anyone else to _touch_ them! + +_The Friend._ Dear little fellow--then I'm sure he _deserves_ to be +given a new toy for being so careful! + +_The Mother._ Well, he'll give me no peace till I _do_ give him +something. I know--but mind this, PERCY, it's only to keep you quiet, +and I'm not going to buy EDDIE anything. _(To Friend.)_ He gives all +_his_ things away as it is! [Master PERCY _takes both these valuable +moral lessons to heart_. + +_Mrs. Stilton (to her less prosperous Sister-in-law_, Mrs. BLOOMOLD). +Nonsense, VINNIE, I won't _hear_ of it! REGGIE has more toys already +than he knows what to do with! + +_Mrs. Bloom. (apologetically)._ Of course, my dear SOPHIA, I know your +children are born to every----but still, I have no one but myself +_now_, you know--and if I _might_--it would be such a _pleasure_! + +_Mrs. Stilton._ I have already told you there is not the slightest +occasion for your spending your money in any such foolish manner. I hope +that is enough. + +_Mrs. Bloom._ I'm sure he would like one of these little +water-carts--now _wouldn't_ you, REGGIE? [REGGIE _assents shyly_. + +_Mrs. Stilton._ Buy him one, by all means--he will probably take the +colour out of my new carpets with it--but, of course, _that_'s of no +consequence to _you_! + +_Mrs. Bloom._ Oh dear, I _quite_ forgot your beautiful carpets. No, to +be sure, that might----but one of those little butcher's shops, +now!--they're really _quite_ cheap! + +_Mrs. S._ _I_ always thought cheapness was a question of what a person +could _afford_. + +_Mrs. Bloom._ But I _can_ afford it, dear SOPHIA--thanks to dear JOHN'S +bounty, and--and _yours_. + +_Mrs. S._ You mustn't thank _me_. _I_ had nothing to do with it. I +warned JOHN at the time that it would only----and it seems I was right. +And REGGIE has a butcher's shop--a really good one--already. In fact, I +couldn't tell you what he _hasn't_ got! + +_Reggie._ _I_ can, though, Aunt VINNIE. I haven't got a train, for _one_ +thing! (_To his Mother, as she drags him on._) I _should_ like a little +tin train, to go by clockwork on rails so. Do let Auntie----what's she +staying behind for? + +_Mrs. Bloom. (catching them up, and thrusting a box into_ REGGIE'S +_hands)._ There, dear boy, there's your train--with Aunt VINNIE'S love! +(REGGIE _opens the box, and discovers a wooden train_.) What's the +matter, darling? Isn't it----? + +_Mrs. S._ He had rather set his heart on a clockwork one with +rails--which I was thinking of getting for him--but I am sure he's very +much obliged to his Aunt all the same--_aren't_ you, REGINALD? + +_Reggie (with a fortunate inspiration)._ Thank you _ever_ so much, +Auntie! And I like this train better than a tin one--because all the +doors open really--it's _exactly_ what I wanted! + +_Mrs. S._ That's so like REGGIE--he never says anything to hurt people's +feelings if he can possibly help it. + +_Mrs. B. (with meek ambiguity)._ Ah, dear SOPHIA, you set him such an +_example_, you see! (REGGIE _wonders why she squeezes his hand so_.) + +[Illustration: "Er--I want a Toy of some sort--for a _Child_, don't you +know!"] + +_A Vague Man (to Saleswoman)._ Er--I want a toy of some sort--for a +_child_, don't you know. (_As if he might require it for an elderly +person._) At least, it's not _exactly_ a child--it can _talk_, and all +that. + +_Salesw._ Will you step inside, Sir? We've a large assortment within to +select from. Is it for a boy or a girl? + +_The Vague Man._ It's a boy--that is, its name's EVELYN--of course, +that's a girl's name too; but it had better be some thing that +doesn't--I mean something it can't----[_He runs down._ + +_Salesw._ I _quite_ understand, Sir. One of these little 'orses and +carts are a very nice present for a child--(_with languid +commendation_)--the little 'orse takes out and all. + +_The V. M._ Um--yes--but I want something more--a different _kind_ of +thing altogether. + +_Salesw._ We sell a great many of these rag-dolls; all the clothes take +off and on. + +_The V. M._ Isn't that rather----and then, for a boy, eh? + +_Salesw._ P'raps a box of wooden soldiers _would_ be a more suitable toy +for a boy, certainly. + +_The V. M._ Soldiers, eh?--yes--but you see, it might turn out to be a +girl after all--and then---- + +_Salesw._ I see, you want something that would do equally well for +either. _Here_'s a toy now. (_She brings out a team of little tin swans +on wheels._) You fix a stick in the end--so--and wheel it in front of +you, and all the little swans go up and down. + +[_She wheels it up and down without enthusiasm._ + +_The V. M. (inspecting it feebly)._ Oh--the swans go up and down, eh? It +isn't quite--but very likely it won't--May as well have that as +something else--Yes, you can send it to--let me see--is it Hampstead or +Notting Hill they're living at now? (_To the_ Saleswoman, _who naturally +cannot assist him._) No, of course, _you_ wouldn't know. Never mind, +I'll take it with me--don't trouble to wrap it up! + +[_He carries it off--to forget it promptly in a hansom._ + +_A Genial Uncle (entering with Nephews and Nieces)._ Plenty to choose +from here, eh? Look about and see what you'd like best. + +_Jane (the eldest, sixteen, and "quite a little woman")._ I'm sure they +would much rather _you_ chose for them, Uncle! + +_Uncle._ Bless me, _I_ don't know what boys and girls like +nowadays--they must choose for themselves! + +_Salesw. (wearily)._ Perhaps one of the young gentlemen would like a +dredging-machine? The handle turns, you see, and all the little buckets +go round the chain and take up sand or mud--or there's a fire-engine, +_that's_ a nice toy, throws a stream of real water. + +[TOMMY, _aged eleven, is charmed with the dredging-machine, while the +fire-engine finds favour in the eyes of_ BOBBY, _aged nine._ + +_Jane (thoughtfully)._ I'm afraid the dredging-machine is rather a +_messy_ toy, Uncle, and the fire-engine wouldn't do at all, either--it +would be sure to encourage them to play with fire. BOBBY, if you say +"blow!" once more, I shall tell Mother. Uncle is the best judge of +what's suitable for you! + +_Uncle._ Well, there's something in what you say, JENNY. We must see if +we can't find something better, that's all. + +_Salesw._ I've a little Toy-stige, 'ere--with scenes and characters in +"_Richard Cured o' Lyin'_" complete and ready for acting--how would that +do? + +[TOMMY _and_ BOBBY _cheer up visibly at this suggestion._ + +_Jane._ I _don't_ think Mother would like them to have _that_, Uncle--it +might give them a _taste_ for theatres, you know! + +_Uncle._ Ha--so it might--very thoughtful of you, JANE--Mustn't get in +your Mother's bad books; never do! What's in these boxes? soldiers? How +about these, eh, boys? [_The boys are again consoled._ + +_Jane (gently)._ They're getting _rather_ too big for such babyish +things as soldiers, Uncle! I tell you what _I_ think--if you got a nice +puzzle-map for TOMMY--he's so backward in his Geography--and a drawing +slate for BOBBY, who's getting on so nicely with his drawing, and a +little work-box--not an _expensive_ one, of course--for WINNIE, that +would be _quite_---- + +[_These sisterly counsels are rewarded by ungrateful and rebellious +roars._ + +_Uncle._ TOMMY, did I hear you address your sister as a "beast"? +Come--come! And what are you all turning on the waterworks for, eh? +Strikes me, JANE, you haven't _quite_ hit off their tastes! + +_Jane (virtuously)._ I have only told you what I know Mother would +_wish_ them to have, Uncle; and, even if I _am_ to have my ankles kicked +for it, I'm sure I'm right! + +_Uncle._ Always a consolation, my dear JENNY. I'm sure no nephew of +_mine_ would kick his sister, except by the merest accident--so let's +say no more of that. But it's no use getting 'em what they don't like; +so suppose we stick to the fire-engine, and the other concern--theatre +is it, JOHNNY?--Very well--and don't you get _me_ into trouble over 'em, +that's all. And WINNIE would like a doll, eh?--that's all right. Now +everybody's provided for--except JANE! + +_Jane (frostily)._ Thank you, Uncle--but you seem to forget I'm not +_exactly_ a child! [_She walks out of the shop with dignity._ + +_Uncle._ Hullo! Put my foot in it again! But we can't leave JENNY out of +it--_can_ we? Must get her a present of some sort over the way.... Here, +TOMMY, my boy, you can tell me something she'd like. + +_Bobby (later--to_ TOMMY). What did you tell Uncle to get for JANE? + +_Tommy (with an unholy chuckle)._ Why, a box with one of those +puff-things in it. Don't you know how we caught her powdering her nose +with Mother's? And Uncle _got_ her one too! _Won't_ she be shirty just! + +[_They walk out in an ecstasy of anticipation, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S Paragraphist says, "he was never good at dates," not even +when served in dishes, for they're dry at the best; but, of the very +newest and best kind of Date Cards, MARCUS WARD & Co. have a capital +selection. Among them the _Grandfather's Clock_ makes a pretty screen, +and, being a clock, is, of course, always up to the time of day. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + + The Baron's Diarist and Date Examiner makes the following exhaustive + notes:--first that Mr. C. LETTS describes some of his _Pocket + Diaries_ as "The Improved." There is nothing so good but what it + could be better. Lett's admit this, and be satisfied with the latest + edition of Letts' Annuals, which are prizes, though, until Jan. 1, + blanks. + + _The Paradise of the North_, by DAVID LAWSON JOHNSTONE. When a + gentleman chooses the North Pole as a Paradise, he must be allowed + any amount of Latitude and Longitude. This explorer leaves his + CHAMBERS (the Publishers of that ilk) in order to get out of the + world by the coldest route. + + A note on INNES & Co. "Innes" has several Outs this season. Cheery + name for a Christmas Publisher, "Innes." We take our ease at our + Innes, and we read with pleasure their dainty books called, + _Bartlemy's Child_, by FRANCES COMPTON, a very pretty story. L. B. + WALFORD (the authoress of _Mr. Smith_) condescends to write _For + Grown-Up Children_, a number of delightful tales. + + Messrs. OSGOOD as good as ever. Why not follow up their _Bret Harte + Birthday Book_ (most Harte-tistically got up) with a _Sweet-Heart + Birthday Book?_ Madame VAN DE VELDE has compiled this. Our + sparklingest Baronite exclaims, "Velde done!" + + Thanks to MARCUS WARD & Co. for _The Cottar's Saturday Night_, by + ROBBIE BURNS. "Oh, wad some friend the giftie gi'e us!"--as anyone + who would like this for a Christmas present may say, adapting the + poet to his purpose. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The Baron and his Christmas Books.] + +"A most sweet story! A most charming story!!" gurgled the Baron, as, +with sobs in his inner voice, talking to himself, he finished the +penultimate chapter of _Dolly_. "Now, Mrs. BURNETT, if you dare to kill +your heroine, I swear I'll never forgive you, and never read another of +your fatally-fascinating books." The Baron trembled as he commenced the +last chapter of the simplest, most natural, most touching, and most +exquisitely-told story he has read for many a day. How would it end? A +few lines sufficed. "Bless you, Mrs. BURNETT!" snivelled the Baron, not +ashamed of dabbing his eyes with his kerchief. "Bless you, Ma'am! You +have let 'em live! May your new book go to countless editions! May it be +another _Little Lord Fauntleroy_, and may you reap a golden reward for +this, your masterpiece of simple work, your latest story--_Dolly!_" The +Baron is bound ("bound in morocco" as the slaves were, poor wretches!) +to add that he wishes it had not been illustrated, for, as good wine +needs no bush, so a perfect story, such as is this, needs no +illustration; nay, is rather injured by it than not. There is only one +small item of common-place in it, and that is making the would-be +seducer a married man. Of course, to prove him so was the easiest and +shortest way of saving his vain and feather-headed little victim. +Perhaps an alternative would have involved complication, and might have +marred the natural simplicity of the story. So critically the Baron +states his one very small objection, and reverts with the utmost +pleasure to the hours he spent over the tale, absorbed in every page, in +every line of it; and herewith doth he, not only most strongly, but most +earnestly recommend everyone to procure this book (published by E. WARNE +& Co.), for it is one that can be and must be given a place of honour by +the side of DICKENS and THACKERAY, to be read again and again, here a +bit and there a bit, when other works of fiction now enjoying a greater +literary reputation (though 'twould be difficult to name them), shall be +relegated to the lowest shelves of books that have had their day. +"_Dixi! Scripsi!_" quoth THE LEARNED BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. 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