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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+December 29, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, December 29, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 11, 2007 [EBook #20334]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+DECEMBER 29, 1920
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+No newspapers were published on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. We did not
+begrudge them their holiday, but we do think _The Daily Mail_ might
+have issued occasional bulletins respecting the weather at Thanet, as
+we consider three days is too long to keep their readers in suspense.
+
+       * * *
+
+The most popular indoor game this winter seems to be
+Battledore-and-Juttlecock.
+
+       * * *
+
+A woman informed a London magistrate last Tuesday that her husband
+thrashed her at Easter, Whitsuntide and on August Bank Holiday.
+Our thoughts were constantly with her during the recent Yuletide
+festivities.
+
+       * * *
+
+Readers should not be alarmed if a curious rustling noise is heard
+next Saturday morning. It will be simply the sound of new leaves being
+turned over.
+
+       * * *
+
+In view of the possible increase of their salaries it is not the
+intention of Members of Parliament to solicit Christmas-boxes.
+Householders, therefore, should be on their guard against men passing
+themselves off as M.P.s.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our attention is drawn to the fact that the latest photograph of Mr.
+LLOYD GEORGE shows him to be smoking a cigar with the band on. We can
+only say that CROMWELL wouldn't have done it.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our magistrates appear to be made of poor stuff these days. A man
+named SNAIL was last week summoned before the Feltham magistrates
+for exceeding the speed limit, yet no official joke was made.
+Incidentally, why is it that Mr. Justice DARLING never gets a real
+chance like this?
+
+       * * *
+
+A New York policeman has been arrested in the act of removing a safe
+from a large drapery store. It is said that upon being seen by another
+policeman he offered to run and fetch a burglar.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mme. DELYSIA has been bitten by a dog in New York. The owner's
+defence, that the animal had never tasted famous dancer before, is not
+likely to be accepted.
+
+       * * *
+
+Like a soothing balm just before the old year dies comes the
+intimation from Mr. LOVAT FRASER that there is a bright side to
+things.
+
+       * * *
+
+With reference to the opening of the pantomime season it is reported
+that a couple of new jokes have been found nesting in a Glasgow
+theatre.
+
+       * * *
+
+Psychologists are inclined to attribute the recent night stampede of
+sheep in the Midlands, when thousands of them jumped their hurdles,
+to the influence of a large number of people concentrating on a
+well-known remedy for sleeplessness.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is stated that rabies does not exist in Ireland. Our opinion is
+that it wouldn't be noticed if it did.
+
+       * * *
+
+Very few English Christmas customs, we hear, are prevalent out
+in Russia. We have always felt that the custom of clients giving
+Christmas-boxes to their executioners will never become very popular.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is rumoured that the repeated assassinations of General VILLA have
+made it necessary for him to resign his position as Permanent Chief
+Insurgent to the State of Mexico.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Morning Post_ has remarked that nowadays the Eton boy is often
+reduced to travelling third-class. It is hoped to persuade Sir ERIC
+GEDDES to disguise himself as an Eton boy during the holidays to see
+how it feels.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is now admitted that the plum-pudding which was badly mauled by a
+small boy in the Hoxton district on Christmas Day began it by inviting
+his assailant to "come on."
+
+       * * *
+
+D'ANNUNZIO is reported to be coming to a more reasonable frame of
+mind. Apparently he is disposed to allow Italy a certain measure of
+independence.
+
+       * * *
+
+People step out into the road and never look to right or left, says a
+London coroner. This makes things far too easy for motorists.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dr. A. GRAHAM BELL recently told a Derby audience how he invented the
+telephone. We note that he still refuses to say why.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are informed that, on and after the 1st of January, Mr. CHURCHILL
+cannot undertake to refute the opinions of any writer who has not been
+officially recognised as a best seller.
+
+       * * *
+
+A scientist has succeeded in putting a pea to sleep with
+electro-magnetism. The clumsy old method of drowning it in a plate of
+soup should now be a thing of the past.
+
+       * * *
+
+General TOWNSHEND says that with seventy thousand men he could
+have conquered half Asia. But then he might have lost Mr. HORATIO
+BOTTOMLEY.
+
+       * * *
+
+What we want now is something to make the world safe for those who
+made the world safe for democracy.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is now on the market a new patent contrivance which gives
+warning when the contents of an oven are on the point of burning. We
+have secured a sample, but unfortunately our cook still relies on her
+sense of smell.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Leather is now much cheaper," we read. Yet we have noticed no drop in
+the price of restaurant steak.
+
+       * * *
+
+On January 1st the Ministry of Munitions will enter upon its second
+year of winding up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR GOGGLERS.
+
+_First Girl in grandmotherly spectacles (to second ditto)._ "HOW
+FRIGHTFULLY OUT OF DATE THAT WOMAN IS. FANCY--LORGNETTES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY HOOTS.
+
+Yes, it is nearly twelve now. In ten minutes we shall hear the
+bells--I mean the hooters. I wonder if there were hooters when
+TENNYSON wrote those popular lines about ringing in the New Year. Very
+likely he didn't hear them if there were, as there's nothing to show
+that he ever really stayed up late enough to see the New Year in. It's
+a pity, because the hooters would have fitted in to that poem most
+beautifully. The hooting idea is just what is wanted to give a
+dramatic contrast to the sugary ringing business.
+
+  "Ring out the false, ring in the true"
+
+doesn't _convince_ somehow; it's too impartial. One doesn't say to the
+footman, "Show the Rector up, please, and show this blackmailer out,"
+even at the Lyceum. One says, "_Kick_ this black-hearted hound out,"
+and the footman realises then that you have something against the
+fellow. Just so one doesn't gather from the above line that the poet
+has any strong preference as between the false and the true, except
+that there is no good rhyme to "the false," unless you can count
+"waltz"; but what about--
+
+  _Hoot_ out the old, ring in the new;
+  _Hoot_ out the false, ring in the true?
+
+Magnificent! There's some sting in that; it "gets over," and it brings
+the whole poem into harmony with modern practice.
+
+Come on, we'd better have another dance before the great moment. I
+wonder if TENNYSON ever saw the New Year in at two guineas a head. I
+don't expect so. For that matter it's the first time we've done it at
+an expensive public "Revel" ourselves; but then this is the first year
+we've been absolutely bankrupt. Up till now we've been rather well
+off, and have celebrated cheaply at home. Do you realise that this is
+our wedding-day? I believe you'd forgotten; women never remember these
+things. Yes, it's six years.... Six years. And this is the first year
+we've been bankrupt. All the same, as I say, it's the first year we've
+come out and had a jolly good supper. Reckless? Yes, I'm afraid we
+are. But we've caught it from the Government.... However, to-morrow
+we'll start a new cheque-book.
+
+Have you made your resolutions yet? I have. Do you remember this time
+last year? You said you'd keep accounts, and I said I wouldn't smoke
+so much. And all the year through our resolution has never wavered.
+I've got evidence of that. Look at my diary. Here we are:--
+
+_January 1st._--G. started keeping accounts. Gave up smoking.
+
+And here we are again:--
+
+_March 20th._--G. started accounts.
+
+_March 29th._--Knocked off smoking.
+
+That shows it was no mere flash-in-the-pan, doesn't it?
+
+And we _went on_ like that. Look at this:--
+
+_June 6th._--Gave up smoking.
+
+_June 7th._--Only one pipe since yesterday.
+
+_June 30th._--Cut myself down to four pipes a day.
+
+_July 1st-9th._--G. keeping accounts; knocked off smoking.
+
+But I wonder why I kept writing it down. Even in September, you see, I
+wasn't taking it for granted:--
+
+_September 29th._--Quarter-Day. Not smoking this quarter. G. began new
+system of accounts.
+
+It looks like bragging, doesn't it? But I don't think I can have meant
+it that way. Still, it is rather marvellous, when you come to think of
+it--here we are, after all these months, twelve of them, and we still
+stick doggedly to the same unswerving resolution. Nothing can alter
+it. That's what I call tenacity of purpose.
+
+You don't think I'm serious? But I am. I'm just as serious as I was
+last year. This year I _shall_ give up smoking. Only I think you ought
+to give up your hot-water bottle in sympathy. You won't? No, I know
+you won't. You're a slave of the bottle, you see. It doesn't do you
+any harm? Oh, yes it does. It makes your backbone flabby, and it makes
+you susceptible to colds, and it gives you chilblains, and, anyhow,
+it's morally pernicious, because it's an _indulgence_.... If I'd known
+you were a hot-water-bottle woman before we were married.... However,
+we needn't go into that. But if you won't give up your bottle I shan't
+give up smoking after all.
+
+Look, they're opening the windows. We shall all catch cold. Can you
+hear anything? I can hear those people eating. What a draught! Can
+you hear anything? I can hear the eaters quite plainly now. Here comes
+Father Christmas. I believe he is going to give us all gifts.
+
+Can you hear anything yet? I have been given a diary. What have you
+got? Another diary? Is yours for 1921? So is mine. How dull! Christmas
+will be on a Sunday next year, I see. So will our wedding-day. I hope
+you'll remember it this time. And they have arranged for the Spring to
+begin on March 21st. Think of it! Spring--in less than three months!
+
+There they go.
+
+  Hoot out, wild hooters, to the wild sky!
+
+What a jolly noise! Much better than bells, really much more accurate
+as an expression of one's feelings. There's a sort of "faint but
+pursuing" note about it. And that's how I feel, rather. It was a
+dreadful year, really, wasn't it?--that last one, I mean. No money,
+no clothes--nothing but rates and dentists and small accounts
+respectfully submitted for our esteemed favour. One long crisis....
+But we kept the flag flying. This year----
+
+Hallo! somebody's going to recite. What do you think it will be?
+You'll never guess. Yes, you're quite right.
+
+  Ring out a slowly-dying cause
+  And ancient forms of party strife.
+
+That sounds like a bit of Government propaganda. Disgraceful, I call
+it. If I was a Wee Free----
+
+  Ring in the nobler modes of life,
+  With sweeter manners----
+
+That's a hit at somebody, too, I shouldn't wonder. Somebody must
+have written a topical verse for the occasion. Those people are still
+eating. I expect they are doing Hog-money, or whatever it is....
+
+Are you still as obstinate as ever about that hot-water bottle? Very
+well, then, I shall now have the first smoke of the New Year. Oh, no;
+we 've got to do _Auld Lang Syne_ first. I never _can_ smoke while I'm
+singing.
+
+"Should auld acquaintance...." Do you know any of the people here? No?
+Do you ever want to see any of them again? No? Never mind, they've
+all paid a lot of money to hold our hands; let them have their
+money's worth.... "A right gude willie-waucht...." Waiter! One large
+willie-waucht, please, and a small pint stoup.... Do you realise that
+this is the only night in the year when you can get a willie-waucht at
+this hour? What a world!
+
+Six years. Do you see that nice couple over there? I bet they haven't
+been married as long as we have. And I bet they're not so bankrupt.
+This is going to be a dreadful year. I can see that at once. But we'll
+keep the flag flying.
+
+Ah, here come the willie-wauchts. Thank you, waiter.
+
+Well, my dear--a cup of kindness with you. Here's luck!
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATURAL HISTORY ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD.
+
+    "St. Columb's Court and North-End met at The Farm, when
+    St. Columb's Court were the victors by three goats to
+    one."--_Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Harry ---- (19), described as a comedian, was bound over in
+    L5 for six months under the rug, the property of Hilda ----."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+It seems that HARRY was not the only comedian in court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BOXING NIGHTMARE.
+
+  THE GOOD FAIRY GEORGINA. "I WAVE MY WAND--UTOPIA DOTH APPEAR ...
+  (_extemporising_) SOMETHING'S GONE WRONG. O DEAR! O DEAR! O DEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Post-War Sportsman._ "THE HOUNDS MEET ON THE LAWN
+TO-MORROW, MY DEAR. WE MUST GIVE THEM A STIRRUP-CUP."
+
+_Wife._ "I HOPE THE CHEF KNOWS HOW TO MAKE IT. IF NOT I SUPPOSE
+CLARET-CUP WOULD DO?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELIZABETH'S CHRISTMAS.
+
+"I've always thort 'ow I'd love to 'ave a reel nice Christmas,"
+remarked Elizabeth--"a jolly proper kind o' one, you know, 'm."
+
+"Don't you find Christmas a pleasant time, then?" I inquired.
+
+"Well, you see, 'm, I bin in service ever since I was turned fifteen,
+an' you know wot Christmas in service is. An extry tip, I will say,
+but a lot of extry work to go along with it--and wot washin' up!
+Some'ow it orl seems so different in books an' on the pictures."
+
+She sighed as she spoke and a look that was almost human crept into
+the arid region of her countenance. A feeling of compunction swept
+over me. Was it possible that this poor simple girl concealed depths
+of conviviality in her nature and a genial disposition which I, in
+common with all her former employers, had carelessly overlooked? I
+will admit that this unexpected phase in Elizabeth's character touched
+and interested me.
+
+"Elizabeth," I cried in a sudden glow of enthusiasm, "you shall have
+your jolly Christmas--I will provide it. You shall have your turkey,
+plum-pudding, mince-pies, crackers, mistletoe and all the rest of
+it." _Cheeryble_ in his most beneficent mood could not have felt more
+expansive than I did just then. "You can invite your friends; we shall
+not be at home, so you will have the place to yourself."
+
+"Lor!" she ejaculated. "D'ye reerly mean it, 'm?"
+
+"I do, Elizabeth. Let me know the sort of Christmas you've always
+longed for and I'll see that you get it."
+
+She drew up her lank form and her face shone. "Well, 'm, I don't know
+where you get 'em, but for one thing I've often thort as 'ow I'd like
+to 'ave a festlebord."
+
+"What's that?" I asked, puzzled. "Is it in the Stores' list?"
+
+"I don't know, 'm, but there's always a lot about it in the books.
+When the Squire's son comes 'ome repentant at Christmas-tide they
+always gathers round a festlebord and rejoices."
+
+I began to see light. "You mean a 'festal board'?"
+
+"That's wot I sed, 'm."
+
+"Well, you shall have one, Elizabeth, I'll see to that. I'd let you
+have a Squire's son as well, but unfortunately the only ones I know
+are not repentant--as yet. And now tell me which of your friends you
+would like to invite."
+
+"There's my sister-in-lor 'ud like to come--'er that I 'aven't been
+on speakin' terms with for five years--but she shan't. An' my friend
+isn't comin'; I'll see to that arter the things she sed about me to my
+young man's cousin--sorcy baggage! As for my two aunts they don't set
+foot under the same roof as me arter the way----"
+
+"Never mind about the people you're not inviting," I broke in; "we
+don't need a list of them. Who do you want to come?"
+
+"Well, there's Mrs. Spurge, the char--a real nice lady, as you know,
+'m. Then I'd like to arsk Polly, the sister of the cook wot lives in
+the 'ouse at the corner with red 'air; an' there's Mary Baxter. An'
+isn't it lucky my sailor-brother will be 'ome for the first time in
+ten years? Can 'e come too, 'm? 'E's been round the world twice."
+
+"In that case, Elizabeth, he certainly ought to be invited. He may
+even have returned home repentant, so you will be able to rejoice at
+the festal board in proper style."
+
+"Oh, 'm, isn't it luverly? I won't 'arf have a beano this Christmas.
+Wot a time we'll 'ave, _wot_ a time!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For my part I did not pass a very blithesome Christmas. Henry's aunt,
+who invited us, is rich, but she is also dull, and several times I
+found myself rather envying Elizabeth. While Aunt Jane nodded in her
+chair, Henry and I pictured those boisterous revels of Elizabeth and
+her friends, their boundless mirth, their unrestrained gaiety. We
+imagined them too gathered round the sailor-brother, listening with
+rapt delight as he told them stories of the far-off wonder-lands he
+had known. Henry sighed then and said there were times when he envied
+the so-called lower classes their capacity for enjoyment.
+
+When we returned home Elizabeth greeted us with beaming countenance.
+"I 'ope you 'ad a good time," she said; "I know _I_ 'ad."
+
+"Then it really was as nice as you thought it would be, Elizabeth?"
+
+"It was first-rate, 'm. Leastways orl went well until arter dinner,
+when we begins chippin' each other and ends in 'avin' a few words.
+My sailor-brother started it by chaffin' Polly about 'er red 'air an'
+arskin' why she didn't cut it orf, an' she told 'im then that if 'e'd
+such an objection to red she wondered 'e didn't cut 'is own nose orf.
+Arter that one thing led to another; we took sides an'----"
+
+"Oh, Elizabeth, you don't mean to say you quarrelled?" I interrupted
+sorrowfully.
+
+"Oh, no, it wasn't quarrellin', 'm--just bargin', you know. Any'ow it
+ended in Polly an' Mary an' my brother goin' off early. I was chilly
+to Mrs. Spurge owin' to 'er 'avin' said that she didn't believe my
+sailor-brother 'd ever been further than Wapping in a coal-barge.
+I shouldn't 'ave spoke to 'er again that evenin' if the book 'adn't
+brought us together again friendly, like."
+
+"What book?" I asked, bewildered.
+
+"One of yours that I got out of the study, 'm. Oh, _wot_ a book!
+Sorter ghost story in a manner o' speakin'. I laughed an' I cried over
+it, turn about. So did Mrs. Spurge. You see we read bits out to each
+other--kep it up till three o'clock in the mornin', we did. It was
+luverly!"
+
+"And what was the book called?" I inquired.
+
+"It's called _A Christmas Car'l_, 'm, by Mr. DICKINGS. Why didn't
+nobody tell me about it afore? It's far better 'n the pictures. 'Just
+like 'eaven,' Mrs. Spurge said."
+
+"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, Elizabeth."
+
+"It's the 'appiest Christmas I ever 'ad, 'm. That there Mr. Dickings
+is a one! 'E do know wot's wot in festlebords."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Patient._ "MY MISSIS SENT ME FUR A BOTTLE O' MEDICINE
+FUR ME CORF. SHE SAYS IT KEEPS HER AWAKE O' NIGHTS. I SAYS, 'YOU'VE
+NOBBUT TO LIE AWAKE. I'VE GOT TO LIE AWAKE AN' CORF.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW, WHY AND WHAT.
+
+_(Being the Tragedy of the Conscientious Inquirer who fell among
+Philistines.)_
+
+  There was an old man who said, "How
+  Can I link the To-Be with the Now?"
+      But they said, "Poor old thing!
+      You've been reading Dean INGE,
+  And you're _not_ high enough in the brow."
+
+  But in spite of this check he said, "Why
+  Is my Ego the same as my I?"
+      So they put him to bed
+      And placed ice on his head
+  till the cerebral storm had passed by.
+
+  Now I'm told he is asking them, "What
+  Use has psycho-analysis got?"
+      And they answer, "N.E.
+      If you're not an M.D.,
+  Or a novelist minus a plot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A cargo of 800 German pianos arrived at the Tyne from Hamburg
+    on Saturday."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Another key industry in danger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNFINISHED DRAWING FOR "PUNCH" BY THE LATE F. H.
+TOWNSEND.
+
+THE FIGURE OF THE LITTLE GIRL WAS SKETCHED ON THE MORNING OF HIS
+DEATH. THE LEGEND WHICH THIS PICTURE WAS TO ILLUSTRATE IS NOT KNOWN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MAYBIRDS.
+
+I can see some justification for keeping peacocks, especially if
+you have shaven lawns and terraces and sundials, though sundials, I
+imagine, are rather a nuisance now-a-days, because of the trouble of
+having them reset for summer and winter time. Peacocks at any rate are
+beautiful, and, if their voices are apt in England to become a little
+hoarse, that is only because they screech when the weather is going to
+be bad.
+
+The pheasant is also a useful and beautiful fowl. One may put down
+bread-crumbs to attract the pheasant to one's garden when he is alive,
+or to one's plate when he is dead.
+
+But I can see no justification whatever for keeping maybirds, for
+they are neither useful nor beautiful. Perhaps you do not know what
+a maybird is. I have five maybirds. I have them because people here
+would keep saying to me, "Look at the price of fresh eggs, and how
+much nicer it is to have your own." It is a curious thing about the
+country that people are always giving one disinterested advice in
+the matter of domestic economy. In London it is different. In London
+people let you take a twopenny bus ticket to Westminster instead of
+walking across the Park, and go to ruin in your own sweet way. They
+rather admire your dash. But in the country they tell you about these
+things.
+
+So I went to a man and confessed to him my trouble about fresh eggs.
+
+"I see," he said; "you want maybirds."
+
+"No, I don't," I said; "I want hens."
+
+"It's the same thing," he told me. "How many would you like?"
+
+"Five," I said. I thought five would be an unostentatious number and
+make it clear that I was not trying to compete with the wholesale
+egg-dealers.
+
+He segregated five maybirds and explained their points to me.
+
+It appeared that one of them was a Buff Orpington and three were white
+Wyandottes and one had no particular politics. I should say now that
+it was an Independent. It has speckles and is the one that keeps
+getting into the garden.
+
+I asked him when the creatures would begin to enter upon their new
+duties, and he said they would do so at once.
+
+"What is their maximum egg-laying velocity?" I inquired.
+
+"They'll lay about three eggs a day between them," he said, "these
+five birds."
+
+"Why between them?" I enquired. But I consented to buy his birds, and
+he said if I liked he would run round to my garden at once and run up
+a hen-house and a hen-run for me. "Run" seemed rather a word with him.
+
+I said, "Yes, by all means."
+
+He came round that evening and hewed down an apple-tree under the
+light of the moon to make room for the maybird-run, and in the morning
+he brought a large roll of wire-netting, and the next day he built a
+wooden house, and the day after that he brought his five maybirds,
+and the day after that he came round and asked for some cinders. He
+sprinkled these all over the enclosure, and I watched him while he
+worked.
+
+"What is that for?" I asked.
+
+"They want something to scratch in when they run about," he explained.
+"Exercise is what they need."
+
+"They seem to be scratching already, but they don't seem to be
+running," I said. "Wouldn't it have been better to put a cinder-track
+all round the edge and train them to run races round it?"
+
+He said that he hadn't thought of that, but I could try it if I
+liked. Then he gave me a bag of food, which he said was particularly
+efficacious for maybirds, and produced his bill.
+
+All this happened about a month ago, and for the last four weeks the
+principal preoccupation of my household has been the feeding of these
+five birds. I have had to lay a gravel-path from the aviary to the
+back premises in order to sustain the weight of the traffic. Huge
+bowls of hot food are constantly being mixed and carried to them,
+without any apparent consciousness on their part of their reciprocal
+responsibilities. What I mean to say is that there are no eggs. The
+food which they eat resembles Christmas-pudding at the time when it is
+stirred, and I have suggested that a sixpence should be concealed in
+it every now and then--sixpence being apparently the current price of
+an egg--in order to indicate the nature of our hopes.
+
+I have made other valuable suggestions. I have suggested putting an
+anthracite stove in their sitting-room, and papering the walls
+with illustrations representing various methods of mass production,
+ordinary methods having failed. I notice that cabbages are suspended
+by a string across the top of the parade-ground in order that the
+birds may obtain exercise by springing at them. The cabbages are
+eaten, but I do not believe that the birds jump. I believe that they
+clamber up the wire with their claws, walk along the tight-rope and
+bite the cabbage off with their teeth.
+
+Sometimes, as I think I have mentioned, the one with speckles escapes
+into the garden, and I have several times been asked to chase it home.
+Nothing makes one look more ridiculous than chasing an independent
+maybird of no particular views across an onion bed. The rest of the
+animals appear to spend most of their time in walking about the run
+with their hands in their pockets looking for things on the ground.
+
+But every now and then one or other of them makes the loud cry which
+is usually associated with successful egg-production; the whole
+household troops beaming with anticipation along the gravel-path; and
+it is then discovered that the Buff has knocked one of the Whites off
+her perch, or that one of the Whites has scratched a cinder on which
+the Buff had set her eye, or that the Independent member has made a
+bitter speech which is deeply resented by the Coalition. But there are
+no eggs.
+
+About a week ago the corn which apparently forms a part of the
+necessary nourishment of maybirds, and is kept in an outhouse, was
+attacked by rats. I was told that I must do something about this. I
+buttered some slices of bread with arsenic and laid them down on the
+outhouse floor. The rats ate the bread and arsenic and went on with
+the corn. Unless a great improvement is manifested in the New Year I
+have decided to butter the maybirds with arsenic and place them in the
+outhouse too.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nurse._ "LITTLE GENTLEMEN, MASTER ERIC, LEAVE THE LAST
+MINCE-PIE TO THEIR SISTERS."
+
+_Generous Little Girl._ "O NURSE, DO LET HIM BE A LITTLE CAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CYCLONE IN THE CHANNEL ISLANDS.
+
+    "Meteorological Notes.
+
+    Harbour Office, Jersey. Wind - E.W.E. - Strong Breeze."
+
+    _Jersey Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To get away, the man must have jumped from a height of about
+    ten feet to the ground, then across a garden, and over a wall
+    about eight feet high into a laneway."--_Irish Paper._
+
+Some "lep," as they say in Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the House of Lords on Saturday, the expiring
+    Lords Continuance Bill [was] read a third time and
+    passed."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Trust the Peers for looking after themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Child (saying prayers_). "GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY
+BREAD-AND-BUTTER."
+
+_Governess._ "NO, DEAR--NOT BUTTER." _Child._ "MARGE, THEN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LETTERS I NEVER POSTED.
+
+CONCERNING GOOD RESOLUTIONS.
+
+TO THE GIRL AT THE EXCHANGE.
+
+The New Year is upon us and with it comes the determination to mend
+our bad habits and make serious efforts to turn over a new leaf.
+Perhaps you have already thought of this and have made some good
+resolutions; perhaps, on the other hand, you cannot think of anything
+amiss that needs correcting. In this case will you let me help you_?_
+In every other respect you may be perfection, but as an exchange
+operator, which is the only capacity in which (alas!) I know you, you
+are often lacking. I have no doubt that you are charming in private
+life and that we should get on famously if we met at dinner; but you
+have an irritating way of giving me the wrong number, which I do most
+cordially hope you will lose during 1921. When I protest, you merely
+say you are sorry, but what I suggest is that an ounce of careful
+listening at first is worth tons of sorrow later. Kingston doesn't
+really sound a bit like Brixton, and yet yesterday, when I asked for a
+Kingston number, you put me at once on to the same number in the other
+suburb. Constantly when I say I want 2365 you give me 2356. To give
+you your due you are always, I will admit, sorry; but....
+
+Another thing. Sometimes, when you ring me up and I answer, all you
+do is to ask, "Number, please," as though I had rung you. (It is then
+that I feel most that I should like to wring you.) When I reply, "But
+you rang me," you revert to your prevailing regretful melancholy and
+say, "Sorry you were troubled," and before I can go deeply into the
+question and discover how these things occur you ring off. Can't
+you make an effort during 1921 not to do this? Let it be a year of
+gladness.
+
+Sometimes I am perfectly certain you don't ring up the number I want
+until after you have asked me once or twice if they have answered.
+Isn't that so? "I'll ring them again," you say with a kind of resigned
+adventurousness; but, knowing as I do that they have been waiting for
+my call, I am not taken in. But what I want to know is--what were you
+doing instead of ringing up at first? I suppose that these secrets
+will never be penetrated by the ordinary subscriber outside the sacred
+precincts; but I wish you would give me fewer of such problems to
+ponder during the year that is coming.
+
+P.S.--Have you ever considered, with proper alarm, what would happen
+to a cinema story if a wrong number were provided by the operator, or
+if any delay whatever occurred? This should make you think.
+
+TO A RACING JOURNALIST.
+
+I suggest that you should include among your good resolutions for the
+New Year the decision not to allow your readers to participate in your
+special information as to which horse will come in first. Tell them
+all you like about yesterday's sport, but dangle no more "security
+tips" before their diminishing purses. If they must bet--which
+of course they must, as betting is now the principal national
+industry--let them at least have the fun of selecting the "also-ran"
+themselves.
+
+TO MANY AN EDITOR.
+
+In contemplating your 1921 programme of regeneration could you not
+make a vow to dispense with all headlines that ask questions? Probably
+you never see the paper yourself and therefore have no feeling in the
+matter, but I can assure you that the habit can become very wearisome.
+"Will it freeze to-day?" "Can Beckett win?" "Will Hobbs reach his
+3,000 runs?" "Are the Lords going to pass the Bill?" Won't you make an
+effort to do without this formula? It is futile in itself and has the
+unfortunate effect of raising what surely are undesirable doubts as to
+whether journalists are any more sensible than their readers.
+
+TO ONE EDITOR IN PARTICULAR.
+
+No comic hats in 1921, please.
+
+TO THE P.M.G.
+
+There is, as everyone (except possibly Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN and the
+cynic who professes to hate letters so much that he wishes that they
+cost a shilling a-piece to send) will agree, one good resolution which
+above all others you should concentrate upon for 1921, and that is
+to get back our penny postage. With so many comparatively unnecessary
+things still untaxed, it never should have been sacrificed.
+
+TO A PORK BUTCHER.
+
+Among the problems of this latter day of discontents few are more
+pressing than speculating as to why sausages and pork-pies have so
+degenerated. Under the malign influence of Peace, sausages have become
+tasteless and pork-pies nothing but pies with pork in them; the crust
+chiefly plaster-of-Paris, and the meat not an essential element, soft
+and seductive and fused with the pastry, but an alien assortment of
+half-cooked cubes. I can understand that after a great war a certain
+deterioration must set in, but I fail to see why sausages and
+pork-pies, if made at all, should not be made as well as ever,
+especially as you get such a long price for them. Couldn't
+you--wouldn't you--try in 1921 to make them with some at least of the
+old care?
+
+TO A CABINET MINISTER.
+
+Might not a vow against writing for the papers be rather a nice one to
+observe during 1921? It is quite on the cards that one's duties to
+the State (not too inadequately paid for) ought to be sufficiently
+exacting to preclude journalism at all. There's a question of dignity
+too, although I hesitate to drag that in.
+
+TO THE CHIEF OF THE POLICE.
+
+Couldn't you (I hope I am addressing the right gentleman) arrange that
+before 1921 becomes 1922--twelve whole months--a simple device is made
+for taxis by which a square of red glass can be slipped over one
+of the lamps at night to indicate that the cab is free? I'm sure
+it wouldn't really be difficult, and the comfort of London would be
+enormously increased.
+
+TO A TAXI-DRIVER.
+
+You will perhaps note what I have just said to the Chief of the
+Police. If you had any interest in your work you would, of course,
+long since have fixed up something of the kind for yourself. But let
+that pass. All I am suggesting to you as a 1921 amendment is that you
+should bank in a more accessible part of your clothing. Waiting for
+change in this weather (especially with the flag still down) can be an
+exasperating experience. Won't you make a resolution during the coming
+year to keep your money nearer the surface?
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Neighbour (bearer of message, to billiard
+enthusiast)._ "YOU'RE WANTED AT 'OME, CHARLIE. YER WIFE'S JUST
+PRESENTED YER WITH ANOTHER REBATE OFF YER INCOME-TAX."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO DEAL WITH WINDBAGS.
+
+    "The address was punctured throughout with cheers."--_West
+    Indian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There would be a grand dinner and music, and
+    splendidly-dressed ladies to look at, and things to eat that
+    strangely twisted the girls' paws when they tried to tell
+    about them," _Weekly Paper._
+
+Mem.--Never try to talk the deaf-and-dumb language after dinner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Profiteer (to his wife)._ "PRETTY MIXED LOT AT THIS
+HOTEL. 'ERE COME SOME MORE O' THEM PRE-WAR BLIGHTERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BARKER THAT MISSED FIRE.
+
+On hearing a shuffle of feet in the porch and the clearing of little
+throats, I exclaimed, "Those carols again!" If between "those" and
+"carols" I inserted another word, I withdraw it.
+
+I went into the hall and barked like a dog.
+
+I have often said that, if anyone could earn a hundred pounds a week
+on the stage by barking like a dog, I could. Children like to come to
+my house to tea merely for the thrill of listening to my imitation. I
+used to flatter myself that I could bark like a dog even better than
+NELSON KEYS can imitate GERALD DU MAURIER.
+
+I hardly gave the carol-singers time even to mention Royal David's
+city before I barked. Instantly one pair of little feet scuttled away
+towards the gate; then a voice called, "Don't be silly, Alfy; come on
+back."
+
+Two small girls stood at the front-door as I opened it. One of them
+smiled up at me and said, "He thinks he's going to be bit." She
+appeared to be amused by the idea. Down by the gate was a small
+muffled figure carrying a Chinese lantern. "Come on back, Alfy,"
+she called again, "and let's sing to the gentleman. You see," she
+explained to me in confidence, "he's got addleoids and can't sing
+loud, so we let him hold the lantern."
+
+I was beginning to feel sorry that I had played a trick on such
+inoffensive children and was about to assure them that my savage
+bull-terrier was safely locked up in the kitchen when the brave little
+lass began chattering again.
+
+"My dad keeps dogs--all sorts," she told me, "and sells them to
+gentlemen. So I'm used to dogs." Then she turned once more to the
+lantern-bearer and commanded, "Now come on and sing, Alfy. It ain't a
+dog at all; it's only the gentleman trying to make a noise like one."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rod Iron Red Mail Bird, year old; good breed;
+    16s."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We fancy it must be an armour-clad rooster of this species
+that, crossed with a Plymouth Rock, was responsible for the
+reinforced-concrete chicken that we met at dinner the other night.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When once the exchanges of the world have righted
+    themselves--and that is bound to come about sooner or
+    later--then will follow such a reaction in the trade of
+    the country that will exceed the expectations of the most
+    sanguinary optimist."--_Trade Paper._
+
+We think this must be intended as a hit at TROTSKY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
+
+THE OYSTER.
+
+  The oyster takes no exercise;
+  I don't believe she really tries;
+      And since she has no legs
+  I don't see why she should, do you?
+  Besides, she has a lot to do--
+      She lays a million eggs.
+  At any rate she doesn't stir;
+  Her food is always brought to her.
+
+  But sometimes through her open lips
+  A horrid little creature slips
+      Which simply will not go;
+  And that annoys the poor old girl;
+  It means she has to make a pearl--
+      It _irritates_, you know;
+  So, crooning some small requiem,
+  She turns the thing into a gem.
+
+  And when I meet the wives of Earls
+  With lovely necklaces of pearls
+      It makes me see quite red;
+  For every jewel on the chain
+  Some patient oyster had a pain
+      And had to stay in bed.
+  To think what millions men can make
+  Out of an oyster's tummy-ache!
+
+    A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "AT ---- HALL, ST. JOHN'S WOOD, TUES., BY AUCTION, STOCK OF A
+    FURRIER.--CATS. FREE." _ADVT. IN DAILY PAPER._
+
+A CASE OF ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: MICAWBER AND SON.
+
+SENILE OPTIMIST. "AND TO YOU, MY BOY, I BEQUEATH--MY LIABILITIES. MAY
+YOU BE WORTHY OF THEM!"
+
+JUVENILE DITTO. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. SOMETHING'S SURE TO TURN UP!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: AT THE MILLENNIUM STORES.
+
+_MR. LLOYD GEORGE (CHAIRMAN)._ "YOU'VE WORKED SPLENDIDLY UP TO
+CHRISTMAS, AND IF YOU'LL PUT YOUR BACKS INTO IT FOR THE NEW YEAR TRADE
+I'LL SEE IF I CAN'T GIVE YOU A GOOD LONG HOLIDAY IN THE AUTUMN."
+
+_Mr. BONAR LAW (Manager)._ "OR SOME OTHER TIME."
+
+MR. BONAR LAW, MR. LLOYD GEORGE, MR. SHORTT, MR. CHAMBERLAIN, MR.
+NEAL, SIR ERIC GEDDES, SIR ROBERT HORNE, MR. CHURCHILL.]
+
+_Monday, December 20th._--As the result of being tossed backwards and
+forwards between the two Houses the Government of Ireland Bill had
+already lost most of its awkward corners. The last two were rounded
+off to-day, when the Government secured that Southern Ireland should
+have three years, instead of two, in which to make up her mind whether
+to accept or refuse the proffered Parliament, and that in the meantime
+only a joint resolution of both Houses should prevent the Act from
+coming into operation. Lord MIDLETON pressed hard for a retention
+of the Lords' veto, but was thrown overboard by Lord CREWE, who was
+greatly impressed by the LORD CHANCELLOR'S reminder that within three
+years there must be a General Election.
+
+In the Commons Sir ROBERT HORNE performed his customary Monday dance
+among the fiscal egg-shells. He declined to give an estimate as to
+the number of British workmen unemployed owing to the importation
+of German goods--"no man who breathes could do it"--and judiciously
+evaded acceptance of Sir FREDERICK HALL'S suggestion that one reason
+why Teuton manufacturers were snapping up Dominion contracts was that
+their employes worked eleven hours a day.
+
+The close of one of the longest and weariest sessions on record finds
+the Government in a penitent mood. How long will it last? The
+PRIME MINISTER told one of his supporters that he hoped next year's
+programme would be less exacting, and immediately promised another
+measure dealing with dumping and exchange; and when Sir F. BANBURY
+helpfully suggested that the surest way to avoid an Autumn Session
+would be to introduce fewer Bills Mr. BONAR LAW turned on him with the
+retort that "a surer way would be to introduce none."
+
+An amusing duel between well-matched opponents took place over
+liquor control. Mr. MACQUISTEN, whose voice, at once insinuating
+and penetrative, has been likened to a corkscrew, urged that the
+_bona-fide_ frequenters of public-houses should be consulted in the
+settlement of the drink regulations. The present arrangement, in his
+view, was like entrusting the regulation of the Churches to avowed
+atheists. Lady ASTOR made full use of her shrill treble in retorting
+that it was the "victims"--by which apparently she meant the wives
+of Mr. MACQUISTEN'S _proteges_--who ought to have the last word.
+She herself had it in the series of incredulous "Oh's!"--uttered
+_crescendo_ on a rising scale and accompanied by appropriate
+gesture--with which she received Mr. MACQUISTEN'S confident assertion
+that the working-men's clubs are the enemies of "the Trade."
+
+Supplementary Estimates produced a good deal of miscellaneous
+information. On the Vote for Road Transport Colonel MILDMAY attacked
+the system of tar-spraying and told a melancholy story of a cow that
+skidded with fatal results. He was backed up by Sir F. BANBURY, who
+said that he had found the ideal pavement in soft wood and awakened
+memories of an ancient jest by suggesting that something might be done
+if he and the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT were to put their heads together.
+
+_Tuesday, December 21st._--Sir WILLIAM DAVISON thundered against the
+Home Office for not taking steps to prevent the desecration of the
+Nelson Column by the delivery of seditious speeches. Sir JOHN BAIRD
+explained that it was impossible to know beforehand what sort of
+speech was going to be delivered. But his critic would have none of
+this paltry excuse. "Did not the regulations provide," he boomed,
+"that the objects of the meetings must be specified?" Fortunately for
+the Minister, who had nearly been blown off the Treasury Bench, Mr.
+HOGGE came to the rescue. "Is it not a fact," he inquired, "that the
+monument was erected to a man who turned a blind eye to orders?"
+
+The strange case of Lord ROTHERMERE and the Committee on Public
+Accounts was further investigated. The Committee had reported that a
+certain stationery contract for the Air Ministry had been extravagant
+and improper. The AIR MINISTER at the time was the noble Lord who has
+lately been so eloquent about "squander-mania," but he has since, in
+a letter to the Press, declared that he never signed or initialled
+the order. Lieut.-Colonel ARCHER-SHEE and Mr. ORMSBY-GORE sought the
+opinion of the Treasury on the transaction, and Mr. BALDWIN replied
+that it was certainly usual for a Minister to be held responsible for
+his expenditure, and that if subordinate officials were thrown over by
+their chiefs it would be bad for the Service.
+
+The Lords' amendments to the Commons' amendments to the Lords'
+amendments to the Government of Ireland Bill were agreed to. Sir L.
+WORTHINGTON-EVANS thought to improve the occasion by a neat little
+speech expressing goodwill to Ireland, and, much to his surprise,
+found himself in collision with the SPEAKER, who observed that this
+was not the time for First Reading speeches.
+
+It was rather hard on Lord PEEL, as the grandson of the great Sir
+ROBERT, to have to sponsor the Dyestuffs Bill. He frankly described it
+as "a disagreeable pill." Lord EMMOTT and other Peers showed a strong
+disinclination to take their medicine, but Lord MOULTON said that the
+chemists--naturally enough--were all in favour of it, and persuaded
+the House to swallow the bolus.
+
+In the course of an eleventh-hour effort to destroy the Agriculture
+Bill Lord LINCOLNSHIRE described the PRIME MINISTER'S Christmas motto
+as _Tax Vobiscum_; and the success of his jape served as a partial
+solace for the defeat of his motion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Sea-dog (to nervous passenger)._ "ROLL? SHE _CAN_
+ROLL! D'YE SEE THEM MARKS ON THE WALL? THAT'S OUR FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A WARNING FROM THE SKY.
+
+    [The latest form of mascot is a trinket-model of the sign of
+    the zodiac under which one was born.]
+
+  'Twas Caution bade me: "Think a while;
+    Calm thought may prove your saviour;
+  You've only seen her gala style
+    And very best behaviour;
+  What though her form's divinely planned
+    And rightly you adore it,
+  Her character's an unknown land,
+    You'd better first explore it."
+
+  But such exploring baffled me--
+    She had, to my vexation,
+  No younger brother I could fee
+    For stable information--
+  Until at last I noted (worn
+    Mid baubles weird and various)
+  A mascot which announced her born
+    Beneath the sign Aquarius.
+
+  An ancient tome declared how this
+    Implied that, though a beauty,
+  The girl was careless, slack, remiss
+    And negligent of duty;
+  I stilled in time my cardiac stir
+    And ceased my adoration,
+  Thanking my lucky stars and her
+    Explicit constellation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"PETER PAN."
+
+_Peter Pan_, the play, must by now have long overtaken the age of
+_Peter Pan_, the boy; but, like him, it never grows any older. The
+cast may change, but that seems to make hardly any difference. The new
+_Peter_ (Miss EDNA BEST) is as good as any of them. Graceful of shape
+and lithe of limb, he is still essentially a boy, the realised figure
+of BARRIE'S fancy; a little aloof and inscrutable; romantic, too, in
+his very detachment from the sentiment of romance that he provokes.
+Miss FREDA GODFREY, the new _Wendy_, would have seemed good if we had
+not known better ones. To be frank, she looked rather too mature for
+the part; she needed a more childlike air to give piquancy to her
+assumption of maternal responsibilities. It was pleasant to see Mr.
+HENRY AINLEY unbend to the task, simple for him, of playing _Captain
+Hook_ and _Mr. Darling_. One admired his self-control in refusing to
+impose new subtleties upon established and sacred tradition.
+
+Of familiar friends, age has not withered the compelling charms of Mr.
+SHELTON'S _Smee_, nor, in the person of Mr. CLEAVE, has custom staled
+the infinite futility of _Slightly_. I was glad, too, to find Miss
+SYBIL CARLISLE back in the part of _Mrs. Darling_, which she played
+most appealingly.
+
+The lagoon scene was cut out this year; perhaps it was thought that
+there is enough lagoon in London just now. I could more willingly have
+spared the business of _Mr. Darling_ and the kennel, the one blot in
+the play. My impression of this grotesquerie has not changed since I
+first saw _Peter Pan_.
+
+Among new impressions was a feeling that the domestic details of
+the First Act are a little too leisurely, so that I appreciated the
+impatience of my little neighbour for the arrival of _Peter Pan_,
+whose acquaintance she had still to make. Also from the presence of
+children in my party I became conscious how much of the humour of
+the play--its burlesque, for example, of the stage villain--is only
+seizable by children who have grown up. BARRIE wrote it, of course, to
+please the eternal child in himself, but forgot now and then what an
+unusual child it was.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On Wednesday, January 5th, 1921, at 3.30 and 8 P.M., in the Hall of
+the Inner Temple, the "Time and Talents" Guild will give a series of
+"Action Tableaux," dramatised by Miss WILSON-FOX, in illustration of
+the history of Southwark and Old Bermondsey from Saxon times to
+the present day. There will be singing, in character, by the Stock
+Exchange Choir. The profits will go in aid of the Settlement in
+Bermondsey, which has been carried on for twenty-one years among the
+factory girls by members of "Time and Talents," and to-day includes
+a Hostel, Clubs, a Country Holiday Fund and a cottage in the country.
+Applications for tickets may be made to Miss WILSON-FOX, 17, De Vere
+Gardens, Kensington, W. 8.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT RESOLVE.
+
+    ["When _Chu Chin Chow_ reaches its 2,000th representation on
+    the 29th, it will have run for 1,582 days, 26 days longer than
+    the War." _Sunday Times._]
+
+  Behind its pendent curtain folds
+  We know not what the future holds;
+  We only know that worlds have gone
+  Since _Chu Chin Chow_ was first put on.
+
+  Mid all our stress and strife and change
+  This strikes me as extremely strange;
+  I think when plays go on like this
+  There ought to be an artistice.
+
+  But, when we have another war
+  After the peace we've toiled so for,
+  And empires break and thrones are bust
+  And nations tumble in the dust,
+
+  And culture, rising from the East,
+  On tottering Europe is released,
+  And Chinamen at last shall rule
+  In Dublin, Warsaw and Stamboul,
+
+  Soon as the roar of cannon ends
+  And all men once again are friends,
+  I must fulfil my ancient vow
+  And go and visit _Chu Chin Chow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ST. CECILIA OF CREMONA.
+
+_Punch_ has no desire to plunge into the controversy which has arisen
+over the employment of women in professional orchestras, especially as
+the cause has already been practically won, and here, at any rate, the
+saying, "What Lancashire thinks to-day England will think to-morrow,"
+has failed to justify itself. The example of Manchester is not being
+followed in London, and what is deemed advisable for the Free Trade
+Hall in one city is not to dominate the policy of the Queen's Hall in
+the other.
+
+But without going into the arguable points of this latest duel of the
+sexes, Mr. Punch, already in the last year which completes his
+fourth score, may be allowed to indulge in an old man's privilege
+of retrospect and incidentally to congratulate the ladies on the
+wonderful and triumphant progress they have made in instrumental art
+since the roaring 'forties. For in the 'forties women, though still
+supreme on the lyric stage, had hardly begun to assert themselves as
+executants, save on the pianoforte. _Punch_ well remembers LISZT--with
+the spelling of whose name he had considerable difficulty--in his
+meteoric pianofortitude. But the young WILMA NERUDA, who visited
+London in 1849, escaped his benevolent notice. She was then only ten.
+It was not until twenty years later that, as Madame NORMAN-NERUDA, she
+revisited London, proved that consummate skill could be combined with
+admirable grace in a woman-violinist, took her place as a leader of
+the quartet at the Monday "Pops," upset the tyranny of the pianoforte
+and harp as the only instruments suitable for the young person, and
+virtually created the professional woman-violinist. Indeed, she may
+be said to have at once made the fiddle fashionable and profitable for
+girls.
+
+On its invasion of Mayfair the pencil of DU MAURIER furnishes the best
+comment. Before 1869, woman-violinists were only single spies; now
+they are to be reckoned in battalions. And they no longer "play the
+easiest passages with the greatest difficulty," as was once said of
+an incompetent male pianist, but in all departments of technique and
+interpretation have fully earned Sir HENRY WOOD'S tribute to their
+skill, sincerity and delicacy. When the eminent conductor goes on, in
+his catalogue of their excellences, to say, "They do not drink,
+and they do not smoke as much as men," he reminds Mr. Punch of two
+historic sayings of a famous foreign conductor. The first was uttered
+at a rehearsal of the Venusberg music from _Tannhaeuser_: "Gentlemen,
+you play it as if you were teetotalers--_which you are not_." The
+other was his lament over a fine but uncertain wind-instrument player:
+"With ---- it is always Quench, Quench, Quench."
+
+Mr. Punch is old-fashioned enough to hope that, whether teetotalers
+or not, the ladies will leave trombones and tubas severely alone, and
+confine their instrumental energies mainly to the nice conduct of the
+leading strings--the aristocrats of the orchestra, the sovereigns of
+the chamber concert.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a butcher's advertisement:--
+
+    "SPECIAL PRE-WAR PORK, AND BEEF, SAUSAGES."--_Local Paper._
+
+While all in favour of old-fashioned Christmas fare, here we draw the
+line.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Enough butter to cover 265,000,000 slices of bread was
+    produced in Manitoba this year. Of 8,250,000,000 pounds
+    produced, 4,100,000 has been exported."--_Canadian Paper._
+
+Thirty-one pounds of butter to the slice is certainly the most
+tempting inducement to Canadian immigration we have yet noticed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE INSPIRED MUSICIAN AND THE CHRISTMAS HAM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+I can't help thinking that Mr. H. G. HIBBERT has not chosen altogether
+the right name for his second volume of theatrical and Bohemian
+gossip, _A Playgoer's Memories_ (GRANT RICHARDS). It is not so
+unsophisticated as the title had somehow led me to expect. Indeed
+"unsophisticated" is perhaps the last epithet that could justly be
+applied to Mr. HIBBERT'S memories. I fancy I had unconsciously been
+looking for something more in the style of my own ignorant playgoing.
+"How wonderful she was in that scene with the broker's man," or "Do
+you remember the opening of the Third Act?" Not thus Mr. HIBBERT. For
+him the play itself is far less the thing than a peg upon which
+to hang all sorts of tags and bobtails of recollection, financial,
+technical and just not scandalous because of the discretion of the
+telling. His book is a repository of theatrical information, but the
+great part of it of more absorbing concern for the manager's-room or
+the stage-door than, say, the dress circle. But I must not be wanting
+in gratitude for the entertainment which, for all this carping, I
+certainly derived from it. As an expert on stage finance, for example,
+to-day and forty years back, Mr. HIBBERT has revelations that may well
+cause the least concerned to marvel. And there is an appendix, which
+gives a list of Drury Lane pantomimes, with casts, for half a century,
+including, of course, the incomparable first one; but that is not
+a memory of this world. A book to be kept for odd references in two
+senses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CULPABLE NEGLIGENCE ON THE PART OF AN EDITOR OF AN
+ILLUSTRATED PAPER. IMPENDING LIBEL ACTIONS.
+
+CAPTAIN ERIC BLIGHTMAN, WHOSE ENGAGEMENT TO LADY SARAH HUBB HAS JUST
+BEEN ANNOUNCED.
+
+BASHER SMITH, EX-HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF STEPNEY, WHO IS TO ACT AS
+REFEREE AT THE CORKERY-HACKETT FIGHT ON FRIDAY.]
+
+[Transcriber's Note: The captions were reversed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What most interfered with my peace of mind over _The Happy Highways_
+(HEINEMANN) was, I think, its almost entire absence of highway, and
+the exceedingly unhappy nature of its confused and uncharted lanes.
+Indeed, I am wondering now if the title may not have been an instance
+of bitter irony on the part of Miss STORM JAMESON. Certainly a more
+formless mass of writing never within my experience masqueraded as a
+novel. There are ideas and reflections--these last mostly angry and
+vaguely socialistic--and here and there glimpses of illusory narrative
+about a group of young persons, brothers and a girl-friend, who live
+at Herne Hill, attend King's College and talk (oh, but interminably)
+the worst pamphlet-talk of the pre-war age. It is, I take it, a
+reviewer's job to stifle his boredom and push on resolutely through
+the dust to find what good, if any, may be hidden by it. I will admit
+therefore some vague interest in the record of how the War hit such
+persons as these. Also (to the credit of the author as tale-teller)
+she does allow one of the young men to earn a scholarship, and for
+no sane reason to depart instantly thereupon before the mast of a
+sailing-ship; also another, the central figure, to fall in love
+with the girl. The book is in three parts, of which the third is
+superfluously specialized as "chaos." Whether Miss JAMESON will yet
+write a story I am unable to say; I rather wonder, however, that
+Messrs. HEINEMANN did not suggest to her that these heterogeneous
+pages would furnish excellent material for the experiment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have discovered that Miss PEGGY WEBLING has quite a remarkable
+talent for making ordinary places and people seem improbable. She
+achieves this in _Comedy Corner_ (HUTCHINSON) by sketching in her
+scenery quite competently and then allowing her characters to live
+lives, amongst it, so fraught with coincidence, so swayed by the most
+unlikely impulses, that a small draper's shop, a West End "Hattery"
+and an almshouse for old actresses become the most extraordinary
+places on earth, where anything might happen and nobody would be
+surprised. _Winnie_, her heroine, behaves more improbably than anyone
+else, but she is such a dear little goose that most amiable readers
+will be quite glad that she doesn't have to suffer as much as such
+geese would if they existed in real life. You can see from this that
+it is one of those books that are full of real niceness and goodwill,
+and it has besides plenty of plot and lots of interesting characters,
+and yet somehow it gives you the feeling of being out of focus. You
+read on, expecting every moment that clever Miss WEBLING will give
+things a little push in the right direction and make them seem true,
+and, while you are reading and hoping, you come to the happy ending.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Should you enter _The Gates of Tien T'ze_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) you
+will not regret it, but it is possible that you may be--as I was--a
+little breathless before the end of this vehement story is reached.
+The average tale of criminals and detectives is not apt to move
+slowly, but here Mr. LESLIE HOWARD GORDON maintains the speed of a
+half-mile relay race. I am not going to reveal his mystery except
+to say that _Tien T'ze_ was a Chinese organisation which perpetrated
+crimes, and that _Donald Craig_, _Kyrle Durand_--his secretary
+(female) and cousin--and _Bruce MacIvor_, superintendent of the
+Criminal Investigation Department, were employed in tracking it down
+and smashing it to pieces. Never have I met anyone in fiction (let
+fact alone) so clever as _Kyrle_ in getting herself and her friends
+out of tight places. When _Craig_ and _MacIvor_ were so beset by _Tien
+T'ze_ that their last hour seemed to have come I found myself saying,
+"It is time for _Kyrle_ to emerge from her machine," and she emerged.
+In a novel of this _genre_ it is essential that the excitement should
+never fall below fever-heat, but Mr. GORDON'S book does better than
+that; its temperature would, I think, burst any ordinary thermometer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Vicar's Study Circle is now engaged in considering the
+    teaching of what is known as the 'Higher Criticism.' All
+    interested are invited to attend, whatever sex they may claim
+    to possess."
+
+    --_Parish Magazine._
+
+The Vicar evidently possesses the open mind so necessary for
+discussions of this sort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: EPILOGUE]
+
+
+AS WE SEE OTHERS: A CANDID APPRECIATION OF U.S.A.
+
+The liner _de luxe_ had swung in past Sandy Hook, and the tender had
+already come alongside with its mail and Press-gang. There ensued a
+furious race to interview the most distinguished passenger, and it
+was by the representative of _The Democratic Elevator_, who got
+there first, that the Sage, in the very act of recording the emotions
+provoked by his first sky-scraper, was _aborde_.
+
+"Mr. Punch, I guess?" said he. "Pleased to meet you, Sir. And what do
+you think of the American nation?"
+
+"Shall I tell you now," asked Mr. Punch, "or wait till I've actually
+seen it?"
+
+"Right here," said the interviewer, and drew his note-book.
+
+"Well," began Mr. Punch, "I think a good deal of it--I mean, I think a
+good deal about it. And it nearly always makes me smile. Of course you
+won't understand why it nearly always makes me smile, because we
+don't see fun in the same things. You don't appreciate our humour, and
+therefore you say that we haven't any. And if we don't appreciate
+your humour that proves again that we haven't any. So you'll never
+understand why it makes me smile, sometimes gently and sometimes
+rather bitterly, to think about your nation; but I'll tell you just
+the same.
+
+"In the first place, what you call 'America' is only a small fraction
+of the American continent, not even as large as British North America.
+And in the second place what you call your 'nation'--well, some rude
+person once said of it that it isn't really a nation at all, but just
+a picnic. I won't go so far as that, but I hardly suppose you will be
+much better pleased if I call it a League of Nations. That is a phrase
+that you hate, because your President WILSON loves it.
+
+"By the way, I must be very careful how I speak of your President,
+because you're so sensitive on that subject. You allow yourselves to
+abuse him as the head of a political party, but if other nations so
+much as question his omniscience he suddenly becomes the Head of
+a Sovereign State. An English Cabinet Minister once told me how an
+American gave vent in conversation to the most violent language in
+regard to the policy of the President of the day, and when at the end
+the Englishman very quietly said, 'I am inclined to agree with you,'
+the American turned on him in a fury, saying: 'Sir, I didn't come here
+to have my country insulted!'
+
+"However, to return to your League of Nations. In England (where I
+come from) they are just now reviving a play by Mr. ISRAEL ZANGWILL,
+in which, if I recall it rightly, he makes out your country to be the
+Melting Pot into which every sort of fancy alien type is thrown, and
+turned out a pattern American citizen, a member of a United Family. I
+wish I could believe it. It seems to us that your German, even after
+passing through the Melting Pot, remains a German; that your Irishman,
+however much he Americanises himself for purposes of political power
+and graft, remains an Irishman. You never seem to get together as a
+nation, except when you go to war, and even then you don't keep it
+up, for you're not together now, although you're still at war with
+Germany. The rest of the time you seem to spend in having Elections
+and 'placating' (I think that's what you call it) the German interest,
+or the negro interest, or the Sinn Fein interest.
+
+"And this brings me to the point that makes me smile most of all--when
+it doesn't make me weep. Isn't it a pathetic thing that a really great
+and strong people like you should be so weak and little as to let your
+Press sympathise blatantly with the campaign of murder in Ireland; to
+suffer that campaign to be actively assisted by American gunmen; to
+look on while it is being financed by American money, here employed in
+conjunction with the resources of that very Bolshevism which you take
+care to treat as criminal in your own country?
+
+"Isn't it pitiful that you should regard reprisals (hateful though
+they may be) as worse than the hideous murders which provoked them;
+forgetting your own addiction to lynch law; forgetting too (as some
+of our own people forget) that the sanctity of the law depends as much
+upon the goodwill and assistance of the populace as it does upon the
+police, and cannot else be maintained?
+
+"Indeed your memory is not very good. Your Monroe Doctrine, which
+insists that nobody from outside shall interfere with your affairs,
+escapes you whenever you want to interfere with other people's. You
+even forget, at convenient times, your own Civil War. Just as there
+was not a protest made by you against the methods of our blockade of
+Germany for which an answer could not be found in some precedent set
+by you in that War of North and South, so now the best answer to your
+sympathy with the preposterous claims of an Irish Republic is to be
+found in those four years in which you fought so bloodily to preserve
+the integrity of your own Union.
+
+"Yet you let men like DE VALERA go at large proclaiming the brutal
+tyranny of the alien Saxon and advertising his country as a Sovereign
+State--all because you have to 'placate' the Irish interest. I should
+very much like to hear what you would think of us if at our Elections
+we ran an Anti-You campaign and even made Intervention a plank in our
+platform (as one of your Parties did) for the sake of 'placating' the
+niggers or the Cubans or the Filipinos or any other sort of Dago in
+our midst.
+
+"Of course we are told--and of course I believe it--that the 'best'
+American sentiment is all right. But, if so, it must be cherished by a
+very select few, or they would never tolerate a condition of things so
+rotten that, unless your coming President finds some cure for it, you
+are like to become the laughing-stock of Europe. I am almost tempted
+to go into the Melting Pot myself and show you, as none but an
+American citizen would ever be allowed to show you, how it is to be
+done. Unfortunately I am too busy elsewhere, putting my own country
+right.
+
+"But to conclude--for I see that we are drawing close to the
+landing-stage--I do hope that in my desire to be genial I have not
+been too flattering. No true friend ever flatters. And in my heart,
+which has some of our common blood in it (notoriously thicker than
+water), I cannot help loving your country, and would love it better
+still if only it gave me a better chance. Indeed, I belong at home to
+a Society for the Promotion of Anglo-American Friendship. More than
+that"--and here the Sage was seen to probe into a voluminous and
+bulging breast-pocket--"I have brought with me a token of affection
+designed to stimulate a mutual cordiality."
+
+"_Not_ a flask of whisky?" exclaimed the representative of _The
+Democratic Elevator_, suddenly moved to animation.
+
+"No, not that, not that, my child," said Mr. Punch, "but something
+far, far better for you; something that gives you, among other less
+serious matter, a record of the way in which we in England, with
+private troubles of our own no easier than yours to bear, and
+exhausted with twice as many years of sacrifice in the War of Liberty
+(whose colossal effigy I have just had the pleasure to remark), still
+try to play an honourable part in that society of nations from which
+you have apparently resolved, for your better ease and comfort, to cut
+yourselves off. Be good enough to accept, in the spirit of benevolence
+in which I offer it, this copy of my
+
+ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINTH VOLUME."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Index]
+
+
+
+CARTOONS.
+
+
+PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
+  Aladdin and the Miner's Lamp      311
+  Bad for the Bull      51
+  Cap of Liberty: Le Dernier Cri      191
+  Close Corporation (A)      351
+  Economists (The)      471
+  Experts (The)      291
+  Folly of Athens (The)      411
+  German Invasion (A)       431
+  Great Repudiation (The)      231
+  "House"-Breaker (The)      151
+  If Winston Set the Fashion--      111
+  League of Youth (The)      91
+  Micawber and Son      511
+  Moral Suasion      71
+  Prince Comes Home (The)      271
+  Problem (The)       131
+  Road to Economy (The)       451
+  Salvage       251
+  Scales of Justice (The)      331
+  Session of Common Sense (A)       171
+  Shrine of Honour (The)      371
+  Snowed Under      211
+  Verdun      491
+  Worth a Trial      391
+
+RAVEN-HILL, L.
+  Abysmalists (The)      383
+  Balm for the Sick Man      423
+  Blue Ribbon of the Sea (The)      83
+  Boblet (The)      463
+  Encourage Home Industries      363
+  Evil Communications      43
+  Good Fairy Georgina (The)      503
+  Iconoclast (The)      123
+  I. O. U.      11
+  Labor Omnia Vincit      443
+  Last Straw (The)      403
+  "Lion of Lucerne (The)"       143
+  Our Parish Church      31
+  Our Village Sign      343
+  Out of the Frying-Pan      183
+  Polish Hug (The)      283
+  Prospective Jonah? (A)      263
+  Public Benefactor (The)      203
+  Real Music (The)      103
+  Resources of Civilisation (The)      303
+  Road to Ruin (The)      163
+  Sing a Song of Drachmas      483
+  Tartarin dans les Indes      243
+  Too-Free Country (A)      323
+
+REYNOLDS, FRANK
+  Under a Cloud (with a Golden Lining)      223
+
+TOWNSEND, F. H.
+  L'Enfant Terrible       3
+  Sea-view of the Situation (A)      63
+  Subject to Revision      23
+
+
+
+ARTICLES.
+
+
+ALLEN, INGLIS
+  Difference of Class (A)      208
+
+ANDERSON, MISS E. V. M.
+  Mudford Blight (The)      188
+
+ARMSTRONG, H.
+  Working for Peace      330
+
+BELL, NEIL
+  Cage (The)      349
+
+BIDDULPH, MISS VIOLET
+  In Defence of Dorothy       102
+
+BIRD, A. W.
+  Cricket Mannerism (A)      22
+  Edward and the B.O.F.      98
+  Fine Old Fruity (The)      490
+  Stuttfield and the Reds      374
+  Twenty Years On      55
+
+BLAIKLEY, MISS E. L.
+  Pamela's Alphabet      270
+
+BRETHERTON, CYRIL
+  Charivaria      weekly
+  To Isis      76
+  Vignettes of Scottish Sport      458
+
+BROWN, C. L. M.
+  Our Invincible Navy      362
+
+BROWN, HILTON
+  Blue Mountains (The)      136
+  Nimrod      195
+  Santamingoes      24
+
+BRYANT, A. W. M.
+  Kings and Queens      224
+
+BUDGEN, C. G.
+  Language for Logic (The)      422
+
+CAMERON, C. F.
+  Taxation of Virtue (The)      214
+
+CASSON, C. R.
+  Eve Victorious      466
+  Humourist (The)      488
+  Light Fantastic (The)      366
+  Word Chains      28
+
+CHALMERS, P. R.
+  Kelpie (The)      149
+  Visionary (The)      124
+
+CHANDLER, MISS B. W.
+  Coup for _The Daily Trail_ (A)      182
+  Our Pastoral      36
+
+CLARK, DUDLEY
+  Badly Synged      82
+
+CROSS, W. H.
+  Cures for Insomnia      470
+
+DARMADY, E. S.
+  Peculiar Case of Toller (The)      75
+
+DARMADY, E. S. & J.
+  Human City and Suburban (The)      184
+  Superfection Laundry (The)      342
+
+DAVIES, MISS S. M.
+  Prodigies (The)      202
+  Sources of Laughter      385
+
+DYER, A. E. R.
+  Knell of the Navy (The)      246
+  Passing of Alfred (The)      298
+
+EASTWOOD, CAPTAIN
+  Rabbits' Game (The)      144
+
+ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR
+  Squatters      105
+
+FARROW, R. S.
+  New Journalism (The)      370
+
+FAY, S. J.
+  Authorship for All      46, 66
+  Dissimulation of Suzanne      176
+  My Right-Hand Man      234
+  Sayings of Barbara (The)      388
+
+FOX-SMITH, MISS C.
+  All Sorts      46
+  Nitrates      86
+  Ship in a Bottle (A)      230
+  Yarns      390
+
+FRANKLIN, BERNARD
+  Ballad of the Early Worm (A)      265
+
+FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE
+  Check by the Queen      306
+  Consolation      264
+  Fairy Tailor (The)      482
+  Queen's Counsel      88
+  Rainy Morning      253
+  Wedding Presents      186
+
+GARLAND, A. P.
+  Patient's Library (The)      118
+  Place of the Trombone in the Band (The)      428
+  Romance of Book-making (The)      2
+  Timon      1
+
+GARSTIN, CROSBIE
+  Barrel of Beef (The)      456
+  Down Channel      77
+  Fair (The)      110
+  Letter to the Back-Blocks      324
+  Old Woman's House Rock, Scilly      213
+  Our Heavy-Waits      464
+  Reefs (The)      30
+  Spanish Ledges      237
+
+GILLMAN, W. H.
+  Counter-Irritant (The)      108
+  Headlining      318
+  Very Personal      255
+
+GOODHART, MRS. H.
+  Logs to Burn      337
+
+GRAVES, C. L.
+  Between Two Stools      226
+  British Tarpon (The)      198
+  Changes in Club-Land      130
+  Cry of the Adult Author (The)      345
+  Cures Worth Making      38
+  Fashion and Physique      210
+  Footnote to the "Bab Ballads"      408
+  From Spa and Shore      122
+  Happy Gardener (The)      398
+  Mixed Meteorological Maxims      269
+  New Utopia (The)      366
+  Our Lucky Dippers      442
+  Our Natural History Column      69
+  Prawling's Theory      316
+  Puss at the Palace      490
+  Revival of the Fittest (The)      116
+  Revival of Ollendorff      335
+  Revolt of Youth (The)      168
+  St. Cecilia of Cremona       514
+  State and the Screen (The)      50
+  To Certain Cautious Prophets      256
+  To General Oi      198
+  Tragedy of Reaction (A)      19
+  Two Studies in Musical Criticism      276
+  When and If      289
+
+GREENLAND, GEORGE
+  Miriam's Two Babies      254
+
+HARWOOD, A. C.
+  How to Build a House      176
+
+HASELDEN, PERCY
+  Old Beer Flagon (The)       358
+
+HERBERT, A. P.
+  Art of Poetry (The)      164
+  Autobiography Shocker (The)       313
+  Contemporary Folksongs        384
+  Criminal Type (A)       62
+  Euclid in Real Life      346
+  Foul Game (A)      495
+  Grasshopper (The)        42
+  Happy Hoots (The)       502
+  Heart of Mine       88
+  If They were at School      408
+  Korban Bath (The)      288
+  Little Bits of London      468
+  Little Horse (The)        26
+  Mystery (The)      126
+  Mystery of the Apple-pie Beds      268
+  New Rhymes for Old Children  186, 215, 234, 244, 295, 306, 329, 350,
+  365, 416, 426, 455, 475, 485, 510
+  On with the Dance      6
+  Private Film (The)      338
+  Seven Whitebait      206
+  Spider (The)      116
+  Thoughts on _The Times_      148
+  White Spat (The)      448
+
+HEYER, GEORGE
+  Rhymes of the Underground 95, 115, 176, 193
+
+HODGKINSON, T.
+  Best Laid Schemes (The)      66
+  Devoted Lover (The)      270
+  First Love and Last       146
+  Home from Home (A)      225
+  Love's Handicap      318
+  _Mens Conscia Mali_      106
+  Ministering Angel (The)      85
+  Note on the Drama (A)      450
+  Sartorial Tragedy (A)      398
+  Vanished Glory       7
+  Warning from the Sky (A)       513
+
+HOLMES, CAPT. W. K.
+  Ben and the Boot (The)      233
+  Territorial (The)      137
+  To James in the Bath      250
+  Victim of Fashion (A)      96
+
+HOLT, E. C.
+  Songs of an Ovalite      45
+
+JACKSON, LIEUT. GERALD, R.N.
+  Difficult Case (A)      410
+
+JAGGER, ARTHUR
+  Elfin Tennis      405
+  _Rara Avis_      182
+  Westward Ho!      169
+
+JAY, THOMAS
+  Charivaria      weekly
+  Questions      449
+
+JENKINS, ERNEST
+  Barker that Missed Fire (The)      510
+  Downing of the Pen (The)      354
+  Improving "Hansard"      434
+  My Dromedary      78
+  Premier's Metaphors (The)      386
+  Should Millionaires read Homer?      58
+  Shrimp Test (The)      253
+  Solving the Holiday Fare Problem      81
+  When Charl. comes over      18
+
+KIDD, ARTHUR
+  Another War to End War      175
+  More Secret History      326
+  Our "Promised" Land      429
+  Passing of the Cradle (The)     205
+
+KILPATRICK, MRS.
+  Elizabeth Goes on Holiday      64
+  Elizabeth Goes to the Sales       4
+  Elizabeth Outwitted      284
+  Elizabeth's Christmas      504
+  Ernest Experiments      315
+  Hard Times for Heroines      146
+
+KING, P. J.
+  Ministry for Heroes (The)      294
+
+KITCHIN, HARCOURT
+  My Rat       25
+
+KNOX, E. V.
+  About Conferences      326
+  About Golf      462
+  Coal Cup (The)      204
+  Converted Castles      48
+  D'Annunzio Dialogue (A)      406
+  George, Jane and Lenin      153
+  Gone Away!      302
+  Handy Man (The)      228
+  Harding and Cox       37
+  I remember--I remember      70
+  Maybirds      506
+  Miners' Opera (The)      262
+  More Pay for M.P.s      438
+  My Apologia      377
+  On Running Down to Brighton      190
+  Priscilla Paints       18
+  Priscilla Plays Fairies      446
+  Proof Positive      344
+  Sand Sports      170
+  September in My Garden      244
+  Squish      106
+  Taffy the Fox      486
+  Thoughts in a Cold Snap       484
+  Unauthentic Impressions       364, 382, 404, 424, 444
+  Ways and Means      68
+  Yet One More Plan for Ireland      282
+
+LAMBURN, MISS R. C.
+  Anniversary (The)      118
+  Birthday Present (The)      94
+  Strike in Fairyland (A)      356
+  Way Out of the Present Unrest      238
+
+LANGLEY, F. O.
+  Boot Mystery (The)      414
+  Conspirators (The)   248, 266, 286, 308, 328, 348
+  Genf and the League of Nations      368
+  King's Messenger (The)       8
+  Lucerne       154
+  Mountain and the Prophets (The)      476
+  Movement in the Money Market      189
+  Story about a Clock (A)      38
+
+LEWIS, M. A.
+  Tragedy in Birdland (A)      395
+  Transmigration of Bowles (The)      128
+  _Vade Mecums_      96
+
+LEYS, MISS H. M.
+  Flowers' Names  57, 78, 90, 104, 122, 145, 198, 206, 229, 273, 298
+
+LOCKER, W. A.
+  Essence of Parliament     weekly during Session
+
+LUCAS, E. V.
+  Among the Pedestals      122
+  Brown Lady (The)      430
+  Buckler's      76
+  Cabman and the Coin (The)     246
+  Cynosure (The)      397
+  Dining Gladiator (The)    304, 322
+  Down-our-Court Circular      117
+  End of the Season (The)      194
+  For Ourselves Alone      296
+  Honours Easy      274
+  If We All Took to Margotry      142
+  Letters I never Post (The)      416
+  Letters I never Posted       508
+  More Margobiography      102
+  Mother-in-law Mystery (The)      376
+  Other Half (The)      476
+  Philosophers      22
+  Points of View      56
+  Privileges of Margotism (The)      166
+  Ring in the Old      358
+  Succulent Comedians (The)      84
+  "Suggestions"      496
+  That Tea Interval      216
+  Three Exceptional Men      15
+  Wire and Barbed Wire      226
+
+MARTIN, N. R.
+  Sniper (The)      406
+  Tips for Uncles      49
+
+MAY, H. R. D.
+  Whiff of the Briny (A)      162
+
+MORRISON, A. C. L.
+  Language Difficulty (The)      218
+
+NORRISS, CECIL
+  Charivaria      weekly
+
+NOTT-BOWER, W. G.
+  "G.B.R.L."      435
+
+OGILVIE, W. H.
+  Opening Run (The)      357
+
+PENNEY, F. G.
+  To a Clerical Golfing Friend      455
+
+PHELPS, S. K.
+  Ministry of Ancestry (The)      222
+  Pigs      258
+
+PLATT, F. W.
+  Wail of the Wasp (The)      238
+
+PLUMBE, C. C.
+  Roses all the Way      86
+
+PRESTON-TEWART, A.
+  Bridge Conventions      242
+
+RICHARDSON, R. J.
+  Cubbin' thro' the Rye      266
+  Headgear for Heroes      229
+  Room at the Back (The)      174
+  Scene at the Club (A)      74
+
+RIGBY, REGINALD
+  Great Idea (The)      394
+  Little Moa (The)      265
+  Piglets      56
+  Prone      149
+  What to do with our Boys      136
+
+SALVIDGE, STANLEY
+  Belles of the Ball      402
+
+SEAMAN, OWEN
+  Apology to the Bench (An)      142
+  Ashes (The)      222
+  As We See Others      517
+  At the Play   158, 196, 236, 256, 275, 336, 378, 418, 514
+  "Christmas Spirit (The)"      482
+  Dark Ages (The)      442
+  Doggerel      202
+  Falling Prices      302
+  How to Vitalise the Drama      382
+  Lessons from Nature      262
+  Michaelmas and the Goose      242
+  Mr. Smillie's Little Armageddon      162
+  Poet-Laureate and his German Friends (The)      342
+  Standard Golf-Ball (The)      422
+  To the Lion of Lucerne      462
+  To our Play-Makers      282
+  Unknown Warrior (The)      370
+
+SILSBY, MISS E.
+  Late Worm (The)      322
+
+SMITH, E. A.
+  One Touch of Dickens      436
+
+SPENDER, MISS B. E.
+  Unlikely Story (An)      438
+
+STUART, MISS D. M.
+  Before the Cenotaph      362
+  Chantry (The)      298
+
+TAYLOR, S. J.
+  To a Maker of Pills      150
+
+THORNHILL, J. F. P.
+  Beau Brimacombe      396
+
+THORP, JOSEPH
+  At the Play   44, 125, 276, 456
+
+TROTTER, MRS. A. F.
+  Moon-Seller (The)      216
+
+WESTBROOK, H. W.
+  Beginner (The)      109
+
+WHITAKER, V.
+  Nocturne       58
+
+WHITE, E. P.
+  Another Garden of Allah      108
+  Goldwire and Poppyseed      9
+  Racing as a Business      426
+  _Si Jeunesse Savait_      310
+  Taste of Authority (A)      138
+  "To Him that hath ..."      156
+  Vacillating Policy (A)      398
+
+WHITE, R. F.
+  Increased Output      402
+  Type-Slinger (The)      334
+
+WHITMARSH, F. J.
+  Guide to Greatness (A)      330
+  Peerless Provincial (The)      297
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+PICTURES AND SKETCHES.
+
+
+ARMOUR, G. D., 159, 215, 233, 248, 279, 295, 339, 379, 419, 439, 459,
+479, 513
+
+BATEMAN, H. M., 16, 17, 35, 187, 257, 267
+
+BAUMER, LEWIS, 119, 190, 207, 224, 250, 270, 330, 390, 430, 450, 490,
+510
+
+BELCHER, GEORGE, 75, 97
+
+BIRD, W., 40, 61, 161, 177, 308, 417, 435, 461
+
+BROCK, H. M., 9, 57, 89, 109, 297, 364, 415
+
+BROOK, RICARDO, 300
+
+COTTRELL, TOM, 169, 474
+
+CURRY, J. R., 280
+
+DOWD, J. H., 28, 100, 148, 160, 168, 178, 181, 188, 241, 261, 361,
+428, 501
+
+EARNSHAW, HAROLD, 341, 345
+
+"FOUGASSE", 27, 47, 87, 101, 121, 154, 227, 277, 287, 317, 369, 407,
+447, 477, 487, 500
+
+FRASER, PETER, 105, 221, 268, 288, 328, 399, 420
+
+GAMMON, REGINALD, 139, 209
+
+GARSTIN, CROSBIE, 21
+
+GHILCHIK, D. L., 41, 218
+
+GRAVE, CHARLES, 19, 25, 99, 125, 204, 249, 293, 395, 465
+
+HARRISON, CHARLES, 356, 376, 499
+
+HASELDEN, W. K., 276, 336, 418, 456
+
+HENRY, THOMAS, 48, 488
+
+JENNIS, G., 77, 144, 259, 316, 337, 359
+
+LLEWELLYN, MAJOR W., 498
+
+LLOYD, A. W., 13, 33, 34, 53, 54, 73, 74, 93, 94, 113, 133, 134, 333,
+353, 354, 373, 374, 393, 413, 414, 433, 434, 453, 473, 493, 512
+
+MARTIN, L. B., 114
+
+MILLS, A. WALLIS, 30, 45, 70, 127, 153, 164, 210, 278, 289, 315, 335,
+355, 377, 409, 424, 457, 475, 485, 504
+
+MORELAND, ARTHUR, 141, 174, 201, 319, 394
+
+MORRISON, J., 138
+
+MORROW, EDWIN, 388
+
+MORROW, GEORGE, 60, 80, 120, 140, 180, 195, 220, 237, 260, 273, 320,
+340, 360, 380, 400, 410, 440, 460, 480, 495, 516
+
+NORRIS, ARTHUR, 68, 348, 397
+
+OWEN, WILL, 385
+
+PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1
+
+PETT, NORMAN, 20, 36, 98, 228, 258, 301, 421, 446
+
+PRANCE, BERTRAM, 79, 117, 137, 299, 436, 468
+
+RAVEN-HILL, L., 37, 55, 95, 189, 253, 269, 334, 396, 478, 497, 518
+
+REYNOLDS, FRANK, 4, 24, 44, 64, 84, 104, 124, 157, 158, 170, 184, 194,
+196, 213, 236, 239, 244, 275, 284, 304, 327, 344, 367, 389, 404, 427,
+444, 464, 484, 509
+
+RIDGEWELL, W. L., 14, 128
+
+ROWNTREE, HARRY, 149
+
+SHEPARD, E. H., 10, 107, 130, 167, 197, 234, 254, 264, 455, 515
+
+SHEPHERD, J. A., 217
+
+SHEPPERSON, C. A., 67, 147, 247, 347, 469, 507
+
+SIMMONS, GRAHAM, 173
+
+SMITH, A. T., 50, 135, 145, 179, 240, 294, 313, 357, 368, 375
+
+SPEED, LANCELOT, 78, 235, 305
+
+STAMPA, G. L., 15, 29, 59, 85, 155, 175, 199, 219, 229, 274, 307, 329,
+350, 365, 387, 425, 454, 467, 489
+
+TERRY, STAN, 81, 200, 208, 281, 321, 381, 401, 441
+
+THOMAS, BERT, 7, 69, 115, 185, 214, 225, 255, 285, 309, 324, 405, 494,
+505
+
+THORP, J. H., 296, 314, 429
+
+TOWNSEND, F. H., 5, 39, 49, 65, 90, 110, 129, 150, 165, 193, 205, 230,
+245, 265, 290, 310, 325, 349, 370, 384, 408, 437, 449, 470, 506
+
+WOOD, STARR, 445
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, December 29, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+***** This file should be named 20334.txt or 20334.zip *****
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