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diff --git a/20319.txt b/20319.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..57d6245 --- /dev/null +++ b/20319.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2635 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, +December 31, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 31, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 9, 2007 [EBook #20319] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 103. + + + + December 31, 1892. + + + +THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. + +(_A Characteristic Welcome to the Coming Year._) + +It was on the 31st of December that they met. It had been arranged that +at the final hour of the last day of the expiring year they should +compare notes, and not one of them had failed to keep the appointment. +It would be scarcely right to say they were cheerful, but merriment was +not included in the programme. + +[Illustration: The Military Man.] + +"There is not the slightest chance of my bettering myself," said the +Military Man. "Now that the Regiment has come from India, I can't afford +to live at home, and I can't exchange because of my liver. Promotion was +never slower than in 'Ours,' and my look-out is about the most ghastly +there ever yet was seen." + +[Illustration: The Briefless Barrister.] + +"You are wrong there," observed the Briefless Barrister of mature years. +"I think mine is a shade worse. I give you my word that during the last +twelve months I have not earned enough fees to pay the rent of my +Chambers and the salary of my Clerk. And things are getting worse and +worse. One of the Solicitors who used to give me an occasional turn has +been struck off the Rolls, and the other, has transferred his business +to Australia. I feel inclined to follow, but I can't raise the +passage-money. What luck, now, could be worse than mine?" + +"Why mine," answered the Author. "An entirely new set of men have come +to the front since I was popular, and my works are a drug in the market. +I haven't been able to get rid of more than a dozen pages during the +twelve months, and they appeared in a Magazine that stopped before the +appearance of the next number! The future never looked blacker and more +hopeless. I believe I am the most unfortunate man on earth." + +[Illustration: The Doctor.] + +"I fancy you are wrong," put in the Doctor. "I think my look-out worse +than yours. Sold my practice seven years ago to flutter on the Stock +Exchange. Lost my money in seven minutes, and have never had a patient +since. I went to West Slocum (my old home) the other day, and found the +place occupied by three Doctors, and the local Undertaker told me there +was not room enough for one! Talk about luck, I am the unluckiest dog in +the world!" + +[Illustration: The Actor who has his Head turned with Applause.] + +"I am not so sure of that," said the Actor, "here have I been 'resting' +for the last twelve months, and it seems just as likely as not that I +shall continue the operation until '94. I have tried everything in Town +and the Provinces, and there isn't an opening anywhere. My fate is about +the worst of the lot." + +[Illustration: The Artist.] + +"Not so bad as mine," grumbled the Artist. "Haven't sold a single +picture since the Jubilee year, and can't afford to pay the frame-maker. +My studio is full of paintings, and the dealers say that there isn't a +single canvas amongst the lot but what would be refused admission to an +Exhibition of Sign-boards! Don't know how I should have kept body and +soul together if it hadn't been for an opportune loan from one who in +happier times was, in my employment as a model. Talk about prospects! +Look at mine!" + +[Illustration: Bulls and Bears. City Men.] + +"Well, come, you are better off than I am," said the City Man. "If I +hadn't now and again to appear before the Registrar in the Bankruptcy +Court, I don't know what I should do with my time! I am stone broke. +That's about it--stone broke! Knocked out of the 'House,' and without a +scrap of credit: I am done for!" + +And it was agreed that none of them had any prospects. Then they +separated, or rather, were on the eve of separating. + +"By the way--fancy forgetting to do it!" said one of them. + +And then they rectified the omission, and wished one another, "A Happy +New Year!" + +[Illustration: The latest Kangaroo Development.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DRAWN BLANK. + +_Huntsman._ "HOW IS IT YOU NEVER HAVE ANY FOXES HERE NOW?" + +_Keeper_ (_who has orders to shoot them_). "PHEASANTS HAVE EAT 'EM ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FEAST OF REASON UP TO DATE. + +The old Alchemist smiled as he watched the crucible on the glowing +coals. The fumes rose, and he inhaled them with delight. + +It was a triumph. Yes, he was able to go forth a conqueror. It mattered +not where he wandered, for all flew from before him. He seemed to +possess some subtle power that no one understood, but which was +all-conquering. After a lengthened absence he returned to England. + +At his Club he met one of his friends--a doctor. + +"I will tell you my adventures," said the old Alchemist, lighting a +strong cigar. "You must know----" + +"I know everything," said the Physician, sternly. "I know why you have +scared the Arabs, and why disease cannot touch you. The secret is +revealed by a recent _Lancet_. You can brave disease and death, because +_you are fond of eating onions_!" + +Seeing that his secret was known, the old Alchemist heaved a heavy sigh, +and disappeared, perchance for ever! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRIME CUT. + +_Mrs. Fidget_ (_who has been fingering all the Joints for some time_). +"CAN YOU GUARANTEE THIS TO BE WELSH MUTTON?" + +_Butcher's Assistant._ "CERTAINLY WE CAN, MUM; BUT IF YOU GO 'ANDLING IT +MUCH LONGER, IT'LL BE _IRISH STOO_ DIRECTLY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PLEA OF THE POSTMAN. + + All work and no play + Makes a dull boy; so they say, + Proverb-mongers, pretty bards. + "All play," may be, worse I'll bet 'em! + If they doubt my word, then let 'em + Try _my_ hand at (Christmas) Cards! + +_Punch in reply._ + + True for you! You growl with reason. + Hearts are trumps, and at this season, + Pray remember, Goldylocks, + When your cards arrive in flocks, + Postman earns _his_ Christmas Box! + + * * * * * + +"REDE ME ARIGHT!"--SIR EDWARD REED, M.P., is anything but a "bruised +reed." On the contrary. More correct would it be to describe him as A +Bruiser Reed, for his plucky encounter with his adversaries, over whom +he triumphed by "A Vast Majority." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"Tinned Dinners." + +_A propos_ of an interesting article in the _Daily Telegraph_ last +Thursday on this subject, the problem that most naturally suggests +itself is, "How about the dinner, if you haven't any tin?" "No Song, No +Supper" is pleasantly alliterative, but is not of universal application. +"No tin, no dinner," may pass into a proverb, but, anyhow, it's a fact. + + * * * * * + +"AH!" exclaimed our dear old Mrs. R., "I'm fond of high-class music. For +many years I've heard my musical friends talking about 'SHOOLBRED'S +Unfinished Symphony.' Why doesn't he get it finished? When was it +ordered? But there--I know geniuses are always unpunctual." + + * * * * * + +THE INEVITABLE. + +(_As Illustrated by recent Political, Social, and other Public +"Functions."_) + + Say you'd get up an "Inaugural Meeting," + _Anything_ "forming," or _Anyone_ "greeting," + If you'd have guests in their tankards their nose bury, + Ruddy with mirth, you must put up Lord ROSEBERY. + If facts and statistics your minds you will task with, + He must be followed--of course--by young ASQUITH. + Q.C. and canny Earl, Earl and 'cute Q.C., gents! + There you've your "Popular Programme" _in nuce_, gents! + + * * * * * + +TO MY RIVAL. + + How I loved her, blindly, madly! + Sighing sadly, + Feeling hurt + If I did not see her daily. + Oh, how gaily + She could flirt! + + Flirt with me, or flirt with others, + With my brothers + Just as well, + + How I could be such a duffer + So to suffer, + I can't tell. + + Then you came, played tennis finely, + Danced divinely, + Sang as well; + + Half Adonis, half Apollo, + Beat me hollow. + Such a swell! + + How I hated you, so clever! + _You_ were never + Thought a bore! + + When I saw you so romantic + I was frantic; + How I swore! + + I've recovered. Is she not a + Child that's got a + Newer toy? + From the first she thought she'd booked you; + Now she's hooked you. + Wish you joy! + + I'll forgive you altogether,-- + She'll see whether + I shall care,-- + Shake your hand and gaily greet you, + When I meet you + Anywhere. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +A GRAND OLD DIARY FOR 1893. + +(_Published in Advance._) + +_January._--As I am in Biarritz, may just as well see how they manage +things in Spain. Looked up the Ministry at Madrid, and drafted them a +treaty with Portugal. They thanked me with the courtesy of hidaljos, but +refused with the paltry jealousy of a petty-fogging second-rate Power! +What nasty pride! Sent home to one of my Magazines, "How I took part in +a Bull-fight." + +_February._--Opened Parliament and set things going, and then thought I +might take a trip to Russia to fill up the odd time. Had a chat with the +CZAR, and knocked off a plan for the introduction of "Home Rule." CZAR +polite, but didn't see it. Well of course every one has a right to his +own opinions, still I think it would do. CZAR didn't. Sent home to one +of my Magazines, "How I lived for three days in the Mines of Siberia." + +_March._--Back to town for a few days, and then off again. CLARK says +travelling the best thing in the world for superfluous energy. Did China +thoroughly. Drew up a plan for altering the language, manners, +religions, politics, and customs of the Chinese. Brought it before a +Special Committee of Mandarins; but they prevaricated, and practically +shelved it. Sent home to one of my Magazines an article, "How I had a +Boxing-match with the Emperor of CHINA, and knocked his Majesty out of +time." + +_April._--Things going on decently well at Westminster, so started for +Turkey. Arranged Turkish Finance for the Grand Vizier. But that official +distinctly an--well, not a wise man--said he would knock out a better +budget himself. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "My Fortnight's +Manoeuvres with the Bashi Bazouks." + +_May._--Dropped in at St. Stephen's, and put a few finishing touches to +one or two measures, then away to Egypt. Sketched out a Republican form +of Government for the Khedive. However, his Highness did not seem to see +it. The Egyptians are very Conservative in their notions. Sent home to +one of my Magazines, "A Fortnight in the MAHDI'S Camp, by an +Acquaintance of OSMAN DIGNA." + +_June._--Attended a couple of Cabinet Meetings, and then to America for +a jaunt. Gave the President a carefully worked-out scheme for converting +the Government of the United States into a Monarchy of limited +liability. The President greatly pleased, but not quite sure it would +work. The Americans are sadly behind the age. Sent home to one of my +Magazines, "How to see the World's Fair at Chicago in Twenty Minutes, by +One who has done it." + +_July._--Session nearly out. Took part in a debate or two and then off +to the North Pole in a balloon. Managed to see a good deal of snow and +ice, and fancy we caught a sight of the Pole itself. Sent home (by +parachute) to one of my Magazines, "How I got within Measurable Distance +of the Moon." + +_August._--Just back to Westminster for a couple of days to wind up the +Session, then away to India. Went on my own responsibility to see the +Ameer of AFGHANISTAN. Drew up a treaty in draft to be signed by the +Ameer and the Emperor of RUSSIA, CZAR was immensely pleased and wanted +to make me Prince of CRIM TARTARY. Sent to one of my Magazines. "How I +shot my first Wild Elephant." + +_September._--Returned to Hawarden for the inside of a week and then +paid my hurried visit to Australia. Submitted to the Colonies a scheme +for "A Federal Association for the encouragement of the Naturalisation +of the Rabbit in Australasia." The proposal fell rather flat. Find the +rabbit is already known in these places. Sent home to one of my +Magazines an article entitled, "My Prize-fight with the Kangaroo, and +how I won it." + +_October._--In London for a few days, then to Mexico. Saw the President, +and suggested the revival of the Empire. President very rude; told me to +mind my own business. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "A Week on the +Prairies Buffalo lassooing." + +_November._--Popped in at Midlothian, and made a speech or two, and then +hurried away to Norway and Sweden. Tried to induce them to give up +_their_ form of Home Rule, which, as all the world knows, has been a +failure. Wanted them to take our Irish edition. They asked me "if it had +been a success?" Stumped! Sent to one of my Magazines, "How to take a +Photograph by Midnight Sunlight, by One who has done it." + +_December._--Obliged to stay at home, because I think we are going to +change our Town-house. Downing Street most convenient, but question +whether I shall be able to get a renewal of the lease next year. +Sketched out the _scenario_ of the Drury Lane Pantomime; but Sir +AUGUSTUS prefers his own. Well, well, youth will have its way. Sent in +my special article for Christmas and the New Year, "The History of the +World, from the Earliest Times to the close of the Nineteenth Century, +by One who has employed his leisure moments in its compilation." And +here I may conclude, by wishing everybody "A Happy New Year." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING OUT OF IT. + +_Fair Authoress._ "BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU READ ANY OF _MY_ BOOKS?" + +_Q.C._ "NO; I'M KEEPING THEM FOR MY OLD AGE!" + +_F. A._ "OH, DON'T TALK OF OLD AGE!--IT'S SO HORRID!" + +_Q.C._ "NOT WITH YOUR BOOKS!"] + + * * * * * + +TRIFLES. + +(_From Our Special Autolycus._) + +MR. OSCAR BROWNING has republished, with other Historical Essays, his +account of the Flight to Varennes, in which he demonstrates that CARLYLE +was hopelessly wrong in the narrative which glows through the most +famous and fascinating chapter in _The French Revolution_. There seems +no doubt about it; but AUTOLYCUS says, he knows a man who would rather +be wrong with CARLYLE than right with O. B. + + * * * * * + +Met the Duke of SOTTO-VOCE to-day. Evidently in most doleful dumps. "No, +it's not the weather, AUTOLYCUS," he said. "Fact is that, although +supposed to be a rich man, I am reduced to extremities. Lunched +yesterday at the Carlton off dish of braised ox-tail, and supped at +night at Beefsteak on cow-heel _a la cordonnier_." + + * * * * * + +AUTOLYCUS hears that, early in the New Year, Mr. ARMITSTEAD, Mr. +GLADSTONE'S host in the South of France, will be raised to the Peerage, +under the title of Baron BIARRITZ OF BARMOUTH. "Pau! Pau!" said Mr. +STUART-RENDELL, when the rumour reached him. "What are Barmouth and +Biarritz? I took Mr. G. on to the Pyrenees, and Cannes. If a fresh +Barony is to be created for ARMITSTEAD, what shall I have?" "Why, a +Canne'd one," said ALGY WEST, who is always _so_ ready. (_Signed_) +AUTOLYCUS. + + * * * * * + +"THE LIBERATOR BUILDING SOCIETY:"--To liberate, means, "make free." If +the present charges are proven, the title will be rather appropriate, +considering how very free it seems to have made with a considerable +amount of property. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The Foreman of the Jury.] + + * * * * * + +THE MAN WHO WOULD. + +V.--THE MAN WHO WOULD BRING AN ACTION FOR LIBEL. + +The following incident in the career of BROWZER was recalled to memory +by an article in a literary journal. An author was airing his +grievances; among them this,--that writers of repute occasionally lend +their names and pens to obscure or unsuccessful papers for a +consideration, without asking how the usual staff of the paper is paid. +These, indeed, are delicate inquiries. Part of the plaint was expressed +in the following sentence:-- + + "When a journal makes a call upon a good author, and in the pages of + which he can gain neither honour nor renown, from which, as a matter + of taste, he would shrink, under ordinary circumstances, from + contributing to, that journal ought to be subjected to careful + scrutiny." + +Now what can this possibly be supposed to mean?-- + +"When a journal makes a call upon a good author, _and_ in the pages of +which he can gain neither honour nor renown," (why "and"?) "from which" +(namely, "honour and renown") "he would shrink" (why should he shrink +from renown and honour?) "from contributing to," (and how can he +contribute to honour and renown?) "that journal ought to be subjected to +careful scrutiny." "From which he would shrink from contributing to," +what have we here? Surely it is the grammar that needs careful scrutiny, +and surely, in no circumstances, could a lofty "rate of pay" be +conferred on a style of this description. + +It is natural to reflect that a writer in this unconventional manner has +mainly to thank himself for any want of success which he, and we, may +regret; and that reflection, again, suggests the case of BROWZER, the +Man who would bring an Action for Libel. + +BROWZER had a small patrimony, any amount of leisure, and a good deal of +ambition. He liked the society of literary gentlemen, he envied their +buoyant successes, such as being "interviewed,", and sorrowed with their +sorrows, such as being reviewed. He listened to their artless gossip, +and fancied himself extremely knowing. In these circumstances of +temptation, BROWZER fell, as many better men have done, and wrote a +Novel. He drew on the recollections of his suburban youth; he revived +the sorrows of his sole flirtation; he sketched his aunts with a +satirical hand, and he produced a packet of manuscript weighing about +7-1/2 lbs. This manuscript he sent, first, to a literary man, whose name +he had seen in the papers, with a long and fulsome letter, asking for an +opinion. The parcel came back next day, accompanied by a lithographed +form of excuse. BROWZER denounced the envy and arrogance of mankind, and +sent his parcel to a publisher. He carefully set little traps, with +pieces of adhesive paper, every here and there, to detect carelessness +on the side of the reader. The parcel came back in a week, with a note +of regret that the novel was not suitable. Only one of BROWZER'S pieces +of adhesive paper had been removed, but the others were carefully +initialled. A modest author would have concluded that his opening +chapters condemned him, but BROWZER'S wrath against mankind only burned +the more fiercely. He removed his traps, however, and sent _Wilton's +Wooing_ the round of the Row. It always came back, "returning like the +peewit," at uncertain intervals. It was really a remarkable manuscript, +for it was written in black ink, blue ink, red ink, pencil, and +stylograph; moreover, most of it was inscribed on the margins, the +original copy having been erased, in favour of improved versions. +Finally BROWZER discovered a publisher who would take _Wilton's Wooing_, +on conditions that the author should pay L150 for preliminary expenses +(exclusive of advertising, for which a special charge was to be made), +would guarantee the sale of 300 copies, and would accept half profits on +the net results of the transaction. + +The work saw the light, and, externally, it certainly did look very like +a novel. The reviews, which BROWZER read with frenzied excitement, also +looked very like reviews of novels. They were usually about two inches +in length, and generally ended by saying that "Mr. BROWZER has still +much to learn." Some of them condensed BROWZER'S plot into about eight +lines, in this manner:-- + +"He was a yearning psychologist--she was a suburban flirt. He sighed, +and analysed; she listened, and yawned. Finally, she went on the stage, +and he compiled this record of the stirring transaction." + +But at last there came a longer criticism of _Wilton's Wooing_ in the +_Erechtheum_. Somebody took BROWZER to pieces, averring that "Mr. +BROWZER has neither grammar" (here followed a string of examples of +BROWZER'S idioms) "nor humour," (here came instances of his wit and +fancy), "nor taste" (again reinforced by specimens), "nor even knowledge +of the French language, which he habitually massacres." (Here followed +_a l'outrance, bete noir, soubriquet_, all our old friends.) Finally, +Mr. BROWZER was informed that many fields of honourable distinction +might be open to him, but that a novelist he could never be. + +The wrath of BROWZER was magnificent. He went about among his friends, +who told him that the critique was clearly by that brute ST. CLAIR; they +knew his hand, they said; a confounded, conceited pendant, and a +stuck-up puppy. The review was calculated to damage the sale of any +book; it was a dastardly attack on BROWZER'S reputation as a man of wit +and humour, a linguist, and a grammarian. They thought (as BROWZER +wished to know) that an action would lie against the reviewer, or the +review. BROWZER went to a Solicitor, who espoused his cause, but without +enthusiasm. The name of the reviewer was demanded. Now ST. CLAIR was not +the reviewer; the critic was a man just from College, hence his fresh +indignation. Whether for the sake of diversion, or for the +advertisement, the critic wished himself to bear the brunt of BROWZER'S +anger, and the _Erechtheum_ handed him over to justice; his name was +_Smith_. This damped BROWZER'S eagerness; no laurels were to be won from +the obscure SMITH. The advocate of that culprit made out a case highly +satisfactory to the learned Judge, who had been a reviewer himself upon +a time. He showed that malice was out of the question; SMITH had never +heard BROWZER'S name, nor BROWZER, SMITH'S (in this instance) before the +book was published. He called several professors of the French tongue, +to prove that BROWZER'S French was that usual in fiction, but not the +language of MOLIERE, or of the Academy. He left no doubt on the question +of grammar. As to the wit and pathos, he made much mirth out of them. He +cross-examined BROWZER: had other reviews praised him? Had publishers +leaped eagerly at his work? On what terms was it published? BROWZER'S +answer appeared to show that _Wilton's Wooing_ was not regarded as a +masterpiece by the Trade. + +BROWZER'S advocate put it that BROWZER was being crushed by unfair +ridicule on his first entry into a noble profession, or art, that of +SCOTT and FIELDING. He spoke of mighty poets in their misery dead. He +drew a picture of BROWZER'S agonies of mind. He showed that masterpieces +had, ere now, been rejected by the publishers. He denounced the licence +of the Press. Who was an unheard-of SMITH, who had written nothing, to +come forward and shout at BROWZER from behind the hedge of the +anonymous? The novelist was a creature of delicate organisation; he +suffered as others did not suffer; his only aim was to lighten care, and +instruct ignorance. Why was _he_ to be selected for cruel sarcasm and +insult? + +The learned Judge summed-up dead against BROWZER. BROWZER had published +a book, had invited criticism, and then, when he only got what his work +merited, he came and asked for damages. + +The question of malice he left to the Jury, who must see that the Critic +and Author had each been ignorant of the other's existence. + +The Jury did not deliberate long. They brought in a verdict for BROWZER, +damages L500, and costs. + +The advertisement, the publicity, caused _Wilton's Wooing_ to be eagerly +asked for. BROWZER'S book went into ten editions, and a large issue, at +six shillings. Next year BROWZER'S publishers proved that he owed them +L37 14s. 6d. This was disappointing, and even inexplicable, but +BROWZER'S fortune was made, and now he is much lauded by all the +reviewers. + +The Foreman of the Jury is my grocer, and I ventured, in the confidence +of private life, to question the justice of the verdict. "Well," he +said, "you see it comes to _this_: where is this to stop? Mr. BROWZER, +he sells novels; I sell groceries." + +"Excellent of their kind!" I interrupted. + +"Well, I try to give satisfaction; and so does Mr. BROWZER. If that +young Mr. SMITH writes to the papers that my sugars are not original, +that I plagiarise them from a sand-bunker, or that my teas are not good +Chinese,--like Mr. BROWZER'S French, which is what is usual in the +Trade,--why, then, he interferes with my business. I bring my action, +and hope to win it; and so, as a tradesman, I feel that Mr. BROWZER was +wronged." There was no reply to these arguments, but I pity the +Reviewers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + +TO MAUD.--A BIRTHDAY ROUNDEL. + + An empty purse! It's true we often say + This weary world of ours knows nothing worse, + And yet I send you, on this festive day, + An empty purse. + + Do not consign to an untimely hearse + The friend who treats you in this heartless way. + Don't let your pretty lips invoke a curse, + But let me wish you happiness, and may + You guess the reason from this little verse + Why at your feet to-day I humbly lay + An empty purse. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The worst thing about Mrs. HENNIKER'S new Novel, published by HURST AND +BLACKETT, is its title. There is a _London-Journal_ish, +penny-plain-twopence-coloured smack about _Foiled_ which is misleading. +My Baronite says he misses the re-iterated interjection which should +accompany the verb. "Ha! Ha! Foiled!!" would seem to be more the +thing--but it isn't. The story is a simple one, wound about an old +theme. It is well constructed, and admirably told. All the characters +are what are called Society people; but Mrs. HENNIKER has studied them +in the drawing-room, not from the area-railings, and reproduces them on +her page with vivid strokes. Some of her acquaintances will probably +feel uneasy when they read about _Lord Huddersfield_; whilst others will +be quite sure that (among their sisters), they recognise _Mrs. Anthony +Gore_. Those not in Society of to-day will find reminiscences of _Becky +Sharp_ in _Mrs. Gore_; whilst big-boned, good-natured, simple-hearted +_Anthony_, pleasantly recalls _Major Dobbin_. The book is full of shrewd +observation, and fine touches of character-drawing, with refreshing +oases of flower-garden and moor in Yorkshire and Scotland. + + * * * * * + +Those who like a good "gashly" book should, my Baronite says, forthwith +send for _Lord Wastwater_ (BLACKWOOD). The plot is so eerie, and its +conclusion so incredulous, that the practised novel-reader, seeing +whither he is being led, almost up to the last page expects the +threatened blow will be averted by some more or less probable agency. +But Mr. (or Miss) SYDNEY BOLTON is inexorable. _Lord Wastwater_ is dead +now, and there can be no harm in saying that the House of Lords is well +rid of his impending company. He would have made a sad Duke. + + * * * * * + +A little more than a year ago, in celebration of the seventieth birthday +of HENRIETTE RONNER, there was published a volume containing +reproductions in photogravure of some of the works of that charming +painter. Madame RONNER knows the harmless, necessary cat as intimately +as ROSA BONHEUR knows the horse or the ox. She has painted it with +loving hand, in all circumstances of its strangely-varied life. No one +knows, my Baronite says, how pretty and graceful a thing a cat is, till +they study it with the assistance of Madame RONNER. CASSELLS afford +opportunity of making this study by presentation of a new and cheaper +edition of the volume, with cats in all attitudes purring round an +interesting essay on themselves, and their Portraiture, contributed by +Mr. H. M. SPIELMANN. + + * * * * * + +Wishing all of you, Constant Riters and Constant Readers, a Very Merry +Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am, yours ever, + +THE BLITHESOME BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +CHRISTMAS NUMBERS. + +(_By a Comfort-loving Old Curmudgeon._) + + Yes, the boys home from school are all playing the fool + With the house and its fittings from garret to basement. + The girls, too, are back, and continual clack + Goes on all day long, to home comfort's effacement. + The pudding's as sticky, the holly as pricky, + The smell of sour oranges awful as ever; + Stuffed hamper-unpackers, and pullers of crackers, + At making of litter and noise just as clever. + The stairs are all rustle, the hall's full of bustle, + Cold draughts and the banging of doors are incessant. + They're nailing up greenery, putting up "scenery," + Ready for plays; 'tis a process unpleasant! + A strong smell of size, dabs of paint in one's eyes, + And "rehearsals" don't add to the charm of one's drawing-room. + My pet easy-chairs are all bundled down-stairs, + To leave the young idiots stage-space and more jawing-room + For "Private Theatricals." Wax on my hat trickles + From "Christmas Candles," that spot all the passages. + Heart-cheering youthfulness? Common-sense truthfulness + Tell us, at Christmas, youth's crassest of crass ages. + From kitchen to attic plates polychromatic, + From some "Christmas Number," make lumber. Good Heavens! + Ye young Yule-tide stuffers, _we_ know, we old buffers, + The _true_ "Christmas Numbers" are--Sixes and Sevens! + + * * * * * + +SPORTING NOTES. + +[Illustration: Old Year.--"Over!"] + +[Illustration: New Year.--"Don't quite see my Way!"] + + * * * * * + +The Friendlies in "Mars."--We are beginning to know more and more about +the planet _Mars_ every day. There are newspapers in _Mars_. Their +journalists are going to communicate (by electric flash-light signals) +news to Earth. Look out for "Pars from _Mars_." The Pa's probably intend +having a good time of it when they get away for a Christmas holiday. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DE MORTUIS." + +_Chatty Passenger._ "DEAD IS HE? POOR CHAP! HE USED TO DRIVE A CITY +ATLAS, AND MANY'S THE TIME HE'S DRIVEN ME! HE WAS A GOOD FELLOW, BUT NOT +MUCH OF A _WHIP_, EH?" + +_Driver._ "AH, WELL! WHAT D'Y'EXPECT? WHY, HE WAS A _GEN'L'MAN'S_ +COACHMAN AFORE HE TOOK TO THE ROAD!"] + + * * * * * + + +THE YOUNG GUARD. + + "_Old Sentry._ For this relief, much thanks; 'tis bitter cold, + And I am sick at heart."--_Hamlet._ + + First Sentry-go! Night, stars and snow! + The air bites shrewdly, nipping, eager, + As in old Denmark long ago. + A long, long watch through storm and leaguer + That dim, departing Sentinel + Has held. He hails the Young Guard's entry-- + "Who goes there?" "Friend!" "Pass, friend!" "All's well!" + Tired age retreats--fresh youth's on sentry. + + All's Well? Why that's a formal hail + From Guard to Guard. "Not a mouse stirring," + _Francisco_ cried, chill, sleepy, pale. + No bat through night-wastes wheeling, whirring; + No trumpet's shrill, no rocket's roar. + And here all seems as calm and quiet + As on the heights of Elsinore,-- + Save for far sounds of wassail riot. + + Some "wake to-night and take their rouse" + In England as in Denmark, doubtless, + But here calm broods on midnight's brows; + The flag clings to the flag-staff, floutless; + And if ghosts walk--well, youngling Year, + With hints of spectres why alarm you? + Take your first watch, boy, void of fear, + With hope, that inward fire, to warm you! + + The Old Guards know that youthful glow + Is not the only thing that's needed + For a long spell of Sentry-go; + But when were veteran croakings heeded? + And if they were, would carking care, + Not wrinkle boy-brow prematurely? + All's well--to-night. May your watch fare + Serenely, steadfastly, securely. + + Angels and ministers of grace + Defend you from all spooks alarming! + There's something in your younker face + That even ghosts should find disarming. + They come in questionable shapes, + Those phantoms of the Social Crisis. + Are their cries menaces--or japes? + These be _our_ Mysteries of Isis! + + The Citadel you have to ward + Is old, and forces new are mustering. + Vigilant valour will afford + More help, my boy, than fear or flustering. + Young HARRY with his beaver up + Should be your model, my young "nipper!" + _Punch_, lifting high a brimming cup, + Tips the Young Guard a friendly flipper! + + * * * * * + +DISTINGUISHED INVALID.--The latest bulletin states that "Mr. C. A. +PEARSON still continues weekly. Whether circulation is much impaired +will be ascertained within a short time." Dr. STEPHENSON, his Medical +Adviser, thinks the system must have sustained a severe shock, but hopes +that entire rest, coupled with a liberal diet, may eventually be +successful in combating the malady. + + * * * * * + + +TO SOME EXPECTANT BARDS. + + God rest you, merry gentlemen! + You twittering, chirping poetasters. + What though you ply for praise the pen, + 'Tis a mad world, you know, my masters. + + And therefore in our land of fools, + Where genius starves in many a gutter, + And all the lore of all the schools + Scarce finds a man in bread-and-butter; + + Where rhymes abound, though small and few + The prizes are that any bard won, + Your lot, O facile rhyming crew + Of would-be laureates, is a hard one. + + Go on and versify. God wot, + With bards and rhymes I would not quarrel. + You have my sympathies, but not + (And may it so remain) the laurel. + + * * * * * + +EXTRAORDINARY FACT IN NATURAL HISTORY.--A Gentleman, whose name is well +known in scientific circles, vouches for the following fact. He was, he +says, passing a poulterer's shop, when he actually saw _a hare buy a +rabbit!!_ He subsequently added, that much depended on the way of +spelling "buy." + + * * * * * + + Mrs. R., whose nephew broke his leg at + football the other day, told a friend that it + was a confounded fraction, but she hoped the + bones would ignite in the end. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG GUARD.] + + * * * * * + +PHANTASMA-GORE-IA! + +_Picturing the Various Modes of Melodramatic Murder._ (_By Our +"Off-his"-Head Poet._) + +No. III.--THE REVOLVER MURDER. + + From Bow comes the fur that's on his coat, + From Germany comes his watch; + His trousers the "London make" denote, + His accent is Franco-Scotch; + His liquor is Special Scotch; + He "guesses" much, and he says "You bet"; + His manner is slow and sly; + His smoke is a Turkish cigarette, + For he is a Russian Spy-- + A blood-seeking Russian Spy! + + Oh! how will the woes of Virtue end? + 'Tis late in the Five-Act play; + And Fortune still is dark Vice's friend, + And villany holds its sway, + Its truly wonderful sway! + 'Twould scarce be the thing for Vice to crow, + And Virtue to sink and die; + The end must arrive _some_ time, we know-- + So bring on your Russian Spy,-- + Come, out with your Russian Spy! + + It cannot be long! The time is here + For Virtue to pardon Vice, + Providing he does not live too near, + Or call more than once or twice-- + Look in more than once or twice. + + But wrongs are not brooked by Russian gents-- + They're awfully angry fry! + The hero may pardon past events, + But not so the Russian Spy,-- + 'Tis death from the Russian Spy! + + So as humbled Vice up stage retires, + Forgiven by him, he'd slay + (A noble revenge the House admires, + By utterly giving way-- + By sniffingly giving way)-- + The Spy, with revolver, comes down C., + And aims at the evening sky, + And down tumbles Vice, as dead as three, + From lead from the Russian Spy!-- + Oh! accurate Russian Spy! + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING LIKE A COUNTY-COUNCILLOR. + +(_Being Evidence taken in the Palace of Truth._) + +_Question._ And so you object to Theatres and Music-Halls? + +_Answer._ Certainly; and know as much about one as the other. + +_Q._ Do you approve of SHAKSPEARE? + +_A._ Certainly not; nor of any other playwright. + +_Q._ Have you ever read a dramatic composition? + +_A._ Never; it is against my principles to peruse such (so-called) +literature. + +_Q._ Then why do you object to the Author's work? + +_A._ Because I know if I were SHAKSPEARE or any of his colleagues, my +writings would be entirely unfit for representation. + +_Q._ Have you ever entered a Theatre? + +_A._ Certainly not; and never shall. + +_Q._ Have you visited a Music-Hall? + +_A._ Emphatically no, and don't want to. + +_Q._ Then why do you complain of them? + +_A._ Because my imagination pictures them as indescribably horrible. + +_Q._ How comes it that knowing so little, you have been sent to +adjudicate upon so much? + +_A._ Because I was elected by the know-nothings of the district I have +the honour to represent. + +_Q._ And what became of the rest of the constituency? + +_A._ You mean the majority--oh, they didn't take the trouble to register +their votes. + +_Q._ Then you are the mouthpiece of ignorance and incompetence? + +_A._ Certainly--but that is not a pretty way of putting it! + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +On the Speculative Builder. + + He's the readiest customer living, + While you're lending, or spending, or giving; + But when you'd make profit, or get back your own, + He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known. + +[Illustration: "Hodman Hout!"] + +SONG AT CHRISTMAS.--"_Then Yule Remember Me!_" + + * * * * * + +"ANECDOTAGE." + +_Companion Volume to other Works of the same kind._ + +The Duke of WELLINGTON never could persuade GEORGE THE FOURTH that he +was not present at Waterloo. One day his MAJESTY, talking over the +table, said to his Grace, "I perfectly well remember your crying to the +Grenadiers, 'Up, Guards, and at them!'" "Yes, Sire," replied the Duke, +"so I have been told before." The King smiled at the jest, but never +forgave the carefully-concealed sarcasm. + + * * * * * + +REFUGE FOR EGOTISTS.--"The Eye Hospital." The Specialist who attends +should be Member for Eye. + + * * * * * + +ODE TO SAPONACEA. + + Who claims my strongest missing noun, + When sheets as soft and white as down, + Return in colour yellowy-brown? + My Laundress! + + Who by her science can convert + My best and most expensive shirt + Into a miracle of dirt? + My Laundress! + + Who, when my collars come back frayed, + Receives my protests undismayed, + And merely wishes to be paid? + My Laundress! + + Who spite of warnings that one gives, + Turns cambric kerchiefs into sieves, + Or ragged trellis-work--and lives! + My Laundress! + + Who at the wash-tub, truth to tell, + Is partly fraud and partly sell, + Yet does her "mangling" very well? + My Laundress! + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +THE POET'S LOVE. + + My Lady's name I cannot state, + At different times I greet her + As CHLOE, AMARYLLIS, KATE, + According to the metre; + I've called her MABEL many a time,-- + A name which leads itself to rhyme. + + My Lady's hair is sometimes black + To match her sable dresses, + At others falls about her back + In glorious auburn tresses, + Yet do not take me to imply + She's given to the use of dye. + + I like her when she's sweet and small, + The daintiest of flowers, + I love her when, divinely tall, + Above the rest she towers; + And yet, as second thoughts suggest, + Perhaps a golden mean were best. + + Sometimes, a simple rustic maid, + She strays through meadows green, + Sometimes her beauty is displayed + In glittering ball-room scene; + More recently I've thought upon + Creating her a lady-Don. + + This peerless girl of whom I speak + I ever worship blindly + And sing her praises once a week, + If editors are kindly; + Alas, this paragon, I own, + Exists within my verse alone! + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +A CHILLING WINTER "DRAFT."--That of The Home-Rule Bill. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 1892 GOING OUT IN A BLIZZARD.] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +Adapted from the French, 274 + +Ad Puellam, 73 + +Advancing Years, 150 + +Advertising In Excelsis, 94 + +Advice to the G. O. M., 45 + +Afternoon Sail (An), 64 + +Aids to Larceny, 63 + +All at Sea, 77 + +All Round the Fair, 232, 244, 256, 268 + +Alone in London! 54 + +American Ganymede (The), 230 + +Anecdotage, 168, 181, 186 + +Announcement, 150 + +Another Meaning, 231 + +Antiquity of Golf, 73 + +Apologia Arrygatensis, 201 + +'Arriet, 73 + +'Arry at 'Arrygate, 133, 169 + +'Arry in Venice, 88 + +"Art Competitions," 289 + +Aspiration, 72 + +At a Hypnotic Seance, 157 + +At a Rink, 258 + +At a Vegetarian Restaurant, 280 + +At it Again! 196 + +At Last! 162 + +At the Patten-makers' Banquet, 155 + +At the Wild West, 4 + +Austro-German Officers' Vade Mecum, 171 + +Autumn Afternoon at Nazareth House (An), 213 + +BALFOUR and Salisbury, 86 + +Battle of the Bards (The), 182, 201 + +"Bear with us!" 29 + +Be-Littler-ing Mr. Gladstone's Majority, 39 + +"Best Evidence "--how not to get it (The), 257 + +Between the Acts, 185 + +Bewildered Tourist and the Rival Sirens (The), 50 + +Birds of a Feather, 49 + +"Blower" burst up (The), 122 + +Bogey or Benefactor? 258 + +Boom-de-ay Poet (The), 226 + +Bravo, Bobby! 162 + +Brummagem Birdcatcher (The), 218 + +Builder and the Architect (The), 96 + +By-and-by Laws for Trafalgar Square, 159 + +Cabbin' it Council, 243 + +Candidate's Complete Letter-Writer, 3 + +Canvassers and Canvassed, 28 + +Caron and Charon, 196 + +Caudal Lecture (A), 72 + +Charity begins Abroad, 267 + +Chateau d'If (The), 142 + +Choosing Christmas Toys, 299 + +Choosing his Words, 99 + +"Christmas is Coming!" 238, 294 + +Christmas Numbers, 305 + +Church and Booth, 16 + +City Paradox (A), 158 + +Classical Question, 249 + +"Closed for Alterations and Repairs," 6 + +Columbus, 186 + +Commerce a l'Americaine, 36 + +Compendiously Grammatical Tree (A), 105 + +Compliment of Coin (The), 262 + +Compliments of the Season (The), 301 + +Conversational Hints for Young Shooters, 159, + 180, 190, 204, 205, 220, 240, 245, 261, 265 + +Coriolanus, 15 + +Costs as they are and will be, 226 + +County-Councillor's Diary (The), 195 + +Court Jesters (The), 209 + +"Court On!" 53 + +"Crossing the Bar!" 174 + +Cry of the Children (The), 27 + +Cui Bono? 73 + +Cycle-riding Dustman (The), 58 + +"DAVY Jones's Locker," 270 + +"Dearest Chuck!" 12 + +De Corona, 165 + +Degree Better (A), 281 + +Diary of an Explorer a la Russe (The), 61 + +Diary of a Statesman, 286 + +Diary of the Dead Season (A), 109 + +Doe versus Roe(dent), 180 + +Druriolanus in (Music) Aulis, 49 + +Druriolanus's Next, 102 + +Duffer in Politics (The), 40 + +Dust and Hashes, 27 + +ECCLESIASTICAL Intelligence, 180 + +Election Agonies, 75 + +Election Notes, 9 + +End of Henley (The), 21 + +En-nobbling Spectacle (An), 156 + +Essence of Parliament, 71, 82, 94 + +Evening from Home (An), 264 + +Exact, 53 + +Examination Paper for a Press Candidate, 155 + +FACT, or Funk? 273 + +Faults o' Both Sides, 246 + +Feeling their Way, 100 + +Fight for the Standard (The), 255 + +Fighting "Foudroyant" (The), 135 + +Fine, or Refine? 77 + +Flowery, but not Mealy-Mouthed, 138 + +Forte Scutum Salus Ducum, 63 + +Frog he would a-Rowing go (A), 170 + +From Day to Day, 25 + +From Newcastle, 37 + +From Pencil to Pen, 288 + +From the Vale of Llangolflyn, 126 + +GAME of the Little Horses, 217 + +Geographical Theory (A), 42 + +German and Horse-trying Ride (The), 189 + +German Waters (The), 99 + +Good Old (Sunday) Times Revived (The), 207 + +Good Stayer (A), 30 + +Grand Old Diary for 1893 (A), 303 + +"Gratuitous Opinion" (The), 130 + +"Great Scott!" 86 + +Great Unknown (The), 189 + +"Green the Guide," 172 + +Guy Fox Populi, 208 + +"HABITUAL Drunkards Committee," 158 + +Hat to the Parasol (The), 132 + +Hearing Himself, 121 + +Health and Hoppiness, 145 + +"Here we are again!" 209 + +Hint to Editors (A), 129 + +"Honi soit qui mal y pense!" 194 + +How Insultan'! 75 + +How it might have been Settled, 81 + +"ICHABOD!" 222 + +Impressions of "Il Trovatore," 193 + +Impromptu, 135 + +In a Ghost-Show, 184 + +"In a Winter (Covent) Garden," 185 + +In Banco, 137 + +Inevitable (The), 302 + +In Excelsis, 171 + +Infra Dig., 81 + +Inns and Outs, 89, 105, 122, 154 + +"In Nubibus," 124 + +In Office with the Labour Vote, 87 + +In the County Council, 210 + +In the Monkey-House, 153 + +"In this Style, Two-and-Six," 165 + +JERRY-BUILDING Jabberwock (The), 166 + +Jim's Jottings, 262 + +Judge's Lament (A), 214 + +Justice for 'Frisco, 36 + +Just like Justice, 60 + +"KEEPING Up the Christopher," 136 + +Kiss (The), 288 + +Knill Nisi Bonum, 160 + +Lady Gay's Detection, 228 + +Lady Gay's Distraction, 237 + +Lady Gay's Ghost, 243 + +Lady Gay's Selection, 255 + +Lady Gay's Selections, 10, 16, + 29, 41, 57, 61, 84, 118, 142, 146, 165, 178, 192, 197 + +Land of the (rather too) Free (The), 105 + +Last Discovery (The), 252 + +Last Train (The), 3 + +Last Word (The), 292 + +Lay of a Successful Angler (The), 181 + +Lays of Modern Home, 36, 49, 77, 147, 293 + +Lay of the Last Knight (The), 136 + +Leary King at the Lyceum (The), 233 + +"Le Grand Francais," 246 + +Left to the Ladies, 238 + +"L'Homme Propose----" 51 + +Les Enfants Terribles! 202 + +Letters to Abstractions, 120, 124, 137, 168, 241 + +Local Colour, 250 + +Lost Joke (The), 90 + +MAN who Would (The), 225, 229, 253, 285, 304 + +Margate by Moonlight, 76 + +Members we shall Miss, 106 + +Mem. from Whitbreadfordshire, 158 + +Memorable, 81 + +Menagerie Race (The), 112 + +"Minime!" 57 + +Minor Miseries, 45, 58 + +Miscarriage of Justice, 136 + +"Missing Word" (The), 282, 293 + +Mixed Notions, 277, 297 + +Modern Mercury (The), 167 + +Montecarlottery, 293 + +More Contributions to the Alcoholic Question, 17 + +More Lights! 141 + +More Reasons for Stopping in Town, 111 + +Mr. Punch's Election Address, 9 + +Musical Notes, 97 + +My First Brief, 202 + +My Puggy, 1 + +My Season Ticket, 192 + +NEED I say More? 89 + +New Broom and the Black Peerage (The), 209 + +New Regulations for the English Police, 186 + +Next African Mission (The), 45 + +Next Election Pic-nic (The), 274 + +Next Viva Voce (The), 82 + +Nightly Chevalier (A), 117 + +"No Fees," 63 + +"Notes and Paper," 225 + +Not Going Away for the Holidays, 97 + +Notice, 246 + +Not Improbable, 141 + +"OH no, we never Mention it," 145 + +Oh, Saunderson, my Colonel! 6 + +Old and New Peer (An), 106 + +On a Guernsey Excursion Car, 148 + +On an Irish Landlord, 270 + +On the Boxing Kangaroo, 245 + +On the Fly-Leaf of an Old Book, 16 + +On the Sands, 52 + +On the Threshold of Themis, 22 + +Opera-goer's Diary, 228, 258 + +Opera in the Future (The), 93 + +Operatic Notes, 12, 17, 33, 39, 233 + +Other Paper (The), 214 + +Other Side of the Canvass (The), 46 + +Otherwise Engaged, 10 + +Our Booking-Office, 34, 48, 58, 77, + 106, 178, 214, 219, 234, 249, 257, 269, 281, 300, 305 + +Our "Missing Word" Competition, 277 + +Out of It! 18 + +Ovidius Remark, 84 + +PAN the Poster, 138 + +"Pariah" (The), 81 + +"Perfidious Albion" again, 37 + +Phantasmagore-ia, 125, 228, 309 + +Phillipopolis, 111 + +Pick of the Baskets (The), 153 + +Plea of the Postman (The), 302 + +Playful Heifervescence at Hawarden, 117 + +Plebiscite for Parnassus (A), 229 + +Poet's Love (The), 309 + +Popular Songs Resung, 101 + +Polite Learning, 202 + +Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 30 + +Political Training, 173 + +Poor Road to Learning (A), 160 + +Poor Violinist (The), 118 + +Porter's Slam (The), 294 + +Potato and the Heptarchy (The), 132 + +Practical Theosophy, 267 + +Premier and Physician, 221 + +Presented at Court, 198 + +Pretence versus Defence, 45 + +Prickle-me-ups, 3 + +Pride of the Empire (The), 160 + +Probable Deduction, 171 + +Proofs before Letters, 231 + +Prospect of the Twelfth (A), 42 + +Puff of Smoke (A), 237 + +"Punsch," 145 + +"Patting on the Hug!" 126 + +QUEEN and the Songstress (The), 277 + +Queen of Man-o'er-Board (The), 144 + +Queer Queries, 276, 293 + +Question of Police (A), 207 + +Quite Moving, 229 + +RACINE, with the Chill Off, 24 + +Ramsgate Sands (The), 102 + +Rather Appropriate, 73 + +Rather Startling, 282 + +Rather too Premature, 294 + +Reading the Stars a la Mode, 78 + +Real and Ideal, 250 + +Reconciliation, 273 + +Reef-lection, 75 + +Reflection in the Mist, 269 + +Refreshers, 209 + +Reports of Crackers, 281 + +"Restoration" Period (The), 173 + +Result of being Hospitable (A), 37 + +Rhodes Colossus (The), 267 + +"Rift within the Lute" (The), 108 + +Road to Ruin (The), 210 + +Robert Lowe, Viscount Sherbrooke, 57 + +Robert on Lord Mare's Day, 231 + +Robert on Things in Gineral, 72 + +Robert's Companions, 196 + +Robert's Visit to Ireland, 216 + +Roe, Bloater's Roe! 25 + +Rollicking Show (A), 51 + +Roundabout Ramble (A), 123 + +Royal Road to Comfort (The), 257 + +"SAFE Bind, Safe Find!" 234 + +Sea-side Ills, 132, 141 + +Secundum Harty, 216 + +Shakspearian Conundrum, 231 + +Short and Sweet, 246 + +Shortest Day (The), 291 + +Sigh no more, Lottie, 155 + +Signs of the Season, 241 + +Simple as A "B" "C," 1 + +Simple Stories, 149 + +"Sins of Society" (The), 269 + +Sir Carlos Euan Smithez; or, The Insulting + Sultan and the High-toned Christian Knight, 38 + +Sir Gerald Portal, 273 + +Skeleton at the Feast (The), 290 + +Skirts and Figures, 51 + +Slight Muddle (A), 10 + +"Small by Degrees, and beautifully less," 286 + +Something like a County Councillor, 309 + +Something to Live for, 265 + +Song of the Bar (The), 93 + +Songs of Society, 109 + +Songs Out of Season, 98, 117, 204 + +Sonnet on Chillon, 155 + +"Speech of Monkeys" (The), 111 + +Sporting Notes, 305 + +"Squared!" 198 + +Stepney that Costs (The), 216 + +Studies in the New Poetry, 13, 33, 114 + +"Stumped!" 145 + +Such a "Light Opera!" 173 + +Suggestions for New Musical Publications, 282 + +Summerumbrella, 48 + +Sun-Spots, 255 + +Sword and Pen, 146, 181 + +TAKE Care of the Pence, 276 + +Taking the Oat-cake, 101 + +Taxes, 267 + +Tee, Tee, only Tee! 105 + +That Dutchman Ooms! 15 + +"There and Back," 288 + +"There he Blows!" 26 + +This Picture and That, 97 + +Through Ever-Green Glasses, 2 + +Thoughts not Worth a Penny, 177 + +"Three Choirs Festival," 132 + +Tip to Tax-Collectors, 90 + +To a Model Young Lady, 234 + +To a Pheasant, 130 + +Toast, 49 + +To Astraea, 197 + +To a Summer Flower, 25 + +To Dr. Louis Robinson, 81 + +To Football, 155 + +To Mankind in General, 213 + +To Maud, 160, 305 + +To Melenda, 149 + +To Miss Ada Jenoure, 72 + +To my Luggage-Labels, 125 + +To my Partner, 288 + +To my Rival, 302 + +To my Sweetheart, 177 + +To Our Guernsey Correspondents, 190 + +"To Pay or not to Pay, that is the Bisleyness," 21 + +To Some Authors, 214 + +To Some Expectant Bards, 306 + +To the First Bathing-Machine, 18 + +To "The Lazy Minstrel," 240 + +To the Roller-Skating Fiend, 93 + +Traveller (The), 40 + +Trifles, 303 + +Trio (A), 63 + +Two-penn'orth of Theosophy, 85 + +UGLY Face (The), 125 + +Un-Brocken Vows, 111 + +Undecided, 262 + +Unopposed Election, 5 + +Up Aloft, 121 + +"Used Up," 124 + +Useful Experience (A), 8 + +Very Cruel, 222 + +Very Entertaining, 144 + +Very Latest (The), 120 + +Vive le Rain du Ballet a l'Alhambra, 145 + +Votes and the Man! 5 + +WAIL of a Pessimist Poet (The), 53 + +Walker! 63 + +"Wandering Minstrel" (The), 279 + +Wanted in the Law Courts, 34 + +War on a Large Scale, 250 + +Was, Is, and Will be, 197 + +Where to Place Him, 237 + +Why I don't write Plays, 109 + +Why the French Won the Boat-Race, 180 + +Why Young Men don't Marry, 129 + +William Hardwick Bradbury, 181 + +William the Wheelman, 42 + +"With Honours of War," 69 + +Wot Cher! 54 + +Wot Cher, Labby? 86 + +Written a Hundred Years hence, 161, 192 + +YES or No? 189 + +Young Guard (The), 306 + +Yule-tide--Old and New, 289 + + +LARGE ENGRAVINGS. + +"Au Revoir!" 91 + +"Back!" 115 + +Bogey or Benefactor? 259 + +"Christmas is Coming!" 295 + +"Closed for Alterations and Repairs," 7 + +"Crossing the Bar!" 175 + +"Davy Jones's Locker," 271 + +"Ichabod!" 223 + +"Knocked 'em in the Westmin-is-ter Road," 55 + +"Le Grand Francais," 247 + +"Little Vulgar Boy" (The), 103 + +"Missing Word" (The), 283 + +Old Spirit (The), 163 + +Out of it! 19 + +Pan the Poster, 139 + +Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 31 + +"Putting on the Hug!" 127 + +Road to Ruin (The), 211 + +"Safe bind, safe find!" 235 + +"Squared!" 199 + +Tuning the Harp, 151 + +White Elephant (The), 187 + +William the Wheelman, 43 + +"Will they Work?" 79 + +"With the Honours of War," 66, 67 + +Young Guard (The), 307 + + +SMALL ENGRAVINGS. + +American Ganymede (The), 230 + +Arriving too late for the First Act, 71 + +Artist and Show-Boards, 258 + +Artists at Millbank, 287 + +Artists' Technicalities during Dinner, 126 + +At the South Sea-side, 131 + +Bennett, M.P. for Lincoln, 45 + +Bewildered Tourist (The), 50 + +Bismarck the Whale, 26 + +Buckjumper in a Hansom (A), 207 + +Buffalo William's N.S.E. and W. Show, 35 + +Cabbin' it Council in November, 242 + +Cabinet Meet (The), 206 + +Cabman on Ladies' Dress (A), 237 + +Candidate on the Hustings, 24 + +Captain and Railway Lad, 245 + +Chamberlain as a Birdcatcher, 218 + +Changing Old Gent into an Elephant, 167 + +Coach and his Pupils (A), 202 + +Columbus viewing Steamship, 74 + +Coriolanus Bismarck, 14 + +Costermongers' Trousers (The), 277 + +Country Butcher and the Cutlets, 97 + +Countrywoman's Husband a Primrose Dame, 90 + +Coursing Nowadays, 275 + +Deceased 'Bus Driver (A), 306 + +Dining en Ville, 69 + +Doctor and Two Sisters (A), 210 + +Doctor who Dresses Irreligiously, 5 + +Draper's Assistant and Prim Lady, 261 + +Driving Lady and the Baronet, 219 + +Effie's Definition of a Parable, 201 + +Egotist's Opinion on Popularity, 178 + +Elderly Duchess and French Marshal, 114 + +Election Editor gone Mad, 41 + +Election Fever--a Candidate's Dream, 11 + +Ethel's Account of Papa's Sport, 214 + +Ex-M.P. and his Wife, 39 + +Fair Authoress and Old Age, 303 + +Family Doctor and Youthful Patient, 57 + +Farmer prefers Manual Labour, 111 + +Festive Season--a Scotch Night (The), 263 + +Fight for the Standard (The), 254 + +Fighting "Foudroyant" (The), 134 + +Finding of Pharaoh (The), 144 + +Flyman and Invalid Gentleman, 267 + +Football Fever in the Midlands, 239 + +Foreigners at Duchess's Concert, 78 + +French Frog and English Bull, 170 + +French Hairdresser and Englishman, 190 + +Frenchman and Uncle Jack's Nieces, 138 + +Frisky Spinster and Dancing Captain, 6 + +Gentleman who "takes life easily," 250 + +German Specialist and Gouty Patient, 75 + +Gillie and the "crowded Forest," 213 + +Gladstone's Ever-Green Glasses, 2 + +Gladstonian Dentist and Tory Patient, 16 + +Gladstonian Thunders from Snowdon, 158 + +Going on Board the Government Ship, 62 + +Golfer's Dream (The), 191 + +Grand Old Gardener (The), 107 + +Grumpy Husband and the Papers, 87 + +Happy Family Card-Party (A), 291 + +Harmonious Christmas Political Party, 298 + +Having the Woods Painted, 238 + +Helping his Host to Whiskey, 40 + +High Church Lady and Verger, 226 + +Highland Chieftains and Games, 161 + +High Schoolmistress and Doctor, 186 + +Horse-Rake in Rotten Row, 113 + +Hospitable Host and Languid Visitor, 34 + +Hostess welcoming a Late Guest, 18 + +Housemaid's Idea of a Gentleman, 234 + +How to get New-laid Eggs, 121 + +Hunting Lady thrown into a Brook, 249 + +Hunting Man's Splendid Mount, 195 + +Hunting Season--the Meet, 215 + +Iago-Chamberlain in Birmingham, 37 + +Impossible to Think Worse of Him! 286 + +Impudent Boy and Tall Clergyman, 192 + +In the Irish Elector's Clutches, 23 + +Jack and the Salt Rain-water, 145 + +Jerry-Building Jabberwock (The), 166 + +Jeweller and Clerical Customer, 58 + +Jones's "Bad Quarter of an Hour," 279 + +Keeping Poultry in Sitting-room, 15 + +Labouchere Fox and Grapes, 110 + +Ladies in the Hunting Field, 276 + +Lady and Sea-side Librarian, 142 + +Lady and Swiss Governess, 25 + +Lady Canvasser and Shopkeeper, 21 + +Lady Croesus and Fancy Ball, 99 + +Lady Detectives of Character, 282 + +Lady Friends and Old Lace, 246 + +Lady Sketching at the Sea-side, 102 + +Lady's Dream of Grouse-Driving, 81 + +Lady Visitor's Comfortable Room (A), 222 + +Landlady and Foreign Lodger, 106 + +Letting Off Cartridges and Partridges, 183 + +Lika Joko's Japanese Jape, 29 + +Little Boy's Strawberries and Cream, 9 + +Little Miss Facing-both-Ways and her Dog, 72 + +Little Spiffkins and the Girls, 220 + +Local Preacher and the Vicar, 129 + +Lord Mayor Knill and Livery Goose, 160 + +Lord Mayor's Footman's Meditations, 227 + +Lord Rosebery's Star and Garter, 194 + +Maiden Ladies and Bathing Tourists, 162 + +Major on Cricket in Hot Weather, 123 + +"Mars" through Punch's Telescope, 141 + +Master Tommy and the Case of Private Jams, 61 + +Members we shall Miss, 70, 106 + +Millionnaire's Son's Ingratitude, 262 + +Miss Fanny quarrels with Master Victor, 205 + +Mr. Punch's Deer-Stalking Party, 179 + +Mr. Punch's Fishing-Party, 143 + +Mr. Punch's Shooting-Party, 203 + +Mrs. Fidget at the Butcher's, 302 + +Mrs. Ramsbotham and the Vicar, 250 + +Mrs. Snobbington's Hotel Acquaintances, 150 + +New Cabinet (The), 95 + +New Faces in the House of Commons, 47 + +Newly-Married Pair and Newsboy, 135 + +New M.P. not a Small Man, 27 + +New Skirts and Sleeves, 231 + +Not Members of "British Association," 73 + +Off to the Country again, 83 + +Oscar Wilde in Uniform, 1 + +Othello, M.P. for Central Finsbury, 33 + +Our Grand Young Gardner, 155 + +Peer who never forgets Old Faces, 54 + +"Peri at the Academy Gates" (The), 146 + +Pheasants and Foxes, 301 + +Policeman X blowing his Whistle, 243 + +Portrait of a Labour Candidate, 36 + +Proposing on Board a Yacht, 171 + +Proud Mother and College Doctor, 82 + +Punch and Toby Yachting, 98 + +Punch's Pic-nic--Parliamentary Mirage 119 + +Reasons for not visiting the Club, 130 + +Rehearsing Election Speech on Railway, 3 + +Rehearsing for Private Theatricals, 294 + +Reminiscence of the Baseball Season, 251 + +Reprimanding the French Chef, 41 + +Rhodes Colossus (The), 266 + +Rival Bards (The), 182 + +Shoeblack and his Customer, 51 + +Short Tenor and a Tall Bass (A), 198 + +Sir Carlos and the Insulting Sultan, 38 + +Sir E. Lawson, Labby, and Mr. Punch, 86 + +Sketchley's Picture and Photograph, 147 + +Snubbing a Decadent Swell, 289 + +Socialist's Absent Audience (A), 165 + +So Expensive to be Rich, 94 + +Some Ups and Downs of the General Election, 59 + +Spectre Judge and the M.P., 290 + +Sporting Youth and Low-Necked Beauty, 10 + +Stupid Elector and Polling-Clerk, 13 + +Subaltern's Idea of the Use of Cavalry, 274 + +Sunday Morning at the Sea-side, 159 + +Sweep and Stonemason, 189 + +Swell cautious before a Lady Diarist, 63 + +Swell's Remarks about Coffee, 174 + +Swell who should have been Drowned, 30 + +Taken for a Quiet Drive, 153 + +Taking Tea with Mrs. M'Glasgie, 255 + +Trippers on the Yorkshire Coast, 118 + +Vegetarian Professor and the Fishes, 297 + +Venus de Medici Collar (A), 270 + +Voyager who is not First-Class, 136 + +"Wandering Minstrel" (The), 278 + +Year going out in a Blizzard, 310 + +Young Masher and High Chairs, 93 + +Young Physician on Influenza, 109 + +[Illustration] + +LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +103, December 31, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20319.txt or 20319.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/3/1/20319/ + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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