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diff --git a/old/pgpgs10.txt b/old/pgpgs10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e64bfe2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/pgpgs10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,679 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext of "Pigs is Pigs," by Ellis Parker Butler + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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The argument had been long and heated, and at last +Mr. Morehouse had talked himself speechless. The cause of the trouble +stood on the counter between the two men. It was a soap box across the top +of which were nailed a number of strips, forming a rough but serviceable +cage. In it two spotted guinea-pigs were greedily eating lettuce leaves. + +"Do as you loike, then!" shouted Flannery, "pay for thim an' take thim, or +don't pay for thim and leave thim be. Rules is rules, Misther Morehouse, +an' Mike Flannery's not goin' to be called down fer breakin' of thim." + +"But, you everlastingly stupid idiot!" shouted Mr. Morehouse, madly +shaking a flimsy printed book beneath the agent's nose, "can't you read +it here-in your own plain printed rates? 'Pets, domestic, Franklin to +Westcote, if properly boxed, twenty-five cents each.'" He threw the book +on the counter in disgust. "What more do you want? Aren't they pets? +Aren't they domestic? Aren't they properly boxed? What?" + +He turned and walked back and forth rapidly; frowning ferociously. + +Suddenly he turned to Flannery, and forcing his voice to an artificial +calmness spoke slowly but with intense sarcasm. + +"Pets," he said "P-e-t-s! Twenty-five cents each. There are two of them. +One! Two! Two times twenty-five are fifty! Can you understand that? I +offer you fifty cents." + +Flannery reached for the book. He ran his hand through the pages and +stopped at page sixty four. + +"An' I don't take fifty cints," he whispered in mockery. "Here's the rule +for ut. 'Whin the agint be in anny doubt regardin' which of two rates +applies to a shipment, he shall charge the larger. The con-sign-ey may +file a claim for the overcharge.' In this case, Misther Morehouse, I be in +doubt. Pets thim animals may be, an' domestic they be, but pigs I'm blame +sure they do be, an' me rules says plain as the nose on yer face, 'Pigs +Franklin to Westcote, thirty cints each.' An' Mister Morehouse, by me +arithmetical knowledge two times thurty comes to sixty cints." + +Mr. Morehouse shook his head savagely. "Nonsense!" he shouted, "confounded +nonsense, I tell you! Why, you poor ignorant foreigner, that rule means +common pigs, domestic pigs, not guinea pigs!" + +Flannery was stubborn. + +"Pigs is pigs," he declared firmly. "Guinea-pigs, or dago pigs or Irish +pigs is all the same to the Interurban Express Company an' to Mike +Flannery. Th' nationality of the pig creates no differentiality in the +rate, Misther Morehouse! 'Twould be the same was they Dutch pigs or +Rooshun pigs. Mike Flannery," he added, "is here to tind to the expriss +business and not to hould conversation wid dago pigs in sivinteen +languages fer to discover be they Chinese or Tipperary by birth an' +nativity." + +Mr. Morehouse hesitated. He bit his lip and then flung out his arms +wildly. + +"Very well!" he shouted, "you shall hear of this! Your president shall +hear of this! It is an outrage! I have offered you fifty cents. You refuse +it! Keep the pigs until you are ready to take the fifty cents, but, by +George, sir, if one hair of those pigs' heads is harmed I will have the +law on you!" + +He turned and stalked out, slamming the door. Flannery carefully lifted +the soap box from the counter and placed it in a corner. He was not +worried. He felt the peace that comes to a faithful servant who has done +his duty and done it well. + +Mr. Morehouse went home raging. His boy, who had been awaiting the +guinea-pigs, knew better than to ask him for them. He was a normal boy and +therefore always had a guilty conscience when his father was angry. So the +boy slipped quietly around the house. There is nothing so soothing to a +guilty conscience as to be out of the path of the avenger. Mr. Morehouse +stormed into the house. "Where's the ink?" he shouted at his wife as soon +as his foot was across the doorsill. + +Mrs. Morehouse jumped, guiltily. She never used ink. She had not seen the +ink., nor moved the ink, nor thought of the ink, but her husband's tone +convicted her of the guilt of having borne and reared a boy, and she knew +that whenever her husband wanted anything in a loud voice the boy had been +at it. + +"I'll find Sammy," she said meekly. + +When the ink was found Mr. Morehouse wrote rapidly, and he read the +completed letter and smiled a triumphant smile. + +"That will settle that crazy Irishman!" he exclaimed. "When they get that +letter he will hunt another job, all right!" + +A week later Mr. Morehouse received a long official envelope with the card +of the Interurban Express Company in the upper left corner. He tore it +open eagerly and drew out a sheet of paper. At the top it bore the number +A6754. The letter was short. "Subject--Rate on guinea-pigs," it said, "Dr. +Sir--We are in receipt of your letter regarding rate on guinea-pigs +between Franklin and Westcote addressed to the president of this company. +All claims for overcharge should be addressed to the Claims Department." + +Mr. Morehouse wrote to the Claims Department. He wrote six pages of choice +sarcasm, vituperation and argument, and sent them to the Claims +Department. + +A few weeks later he received a reply from the Claims Department. Attached +to it was his last letter. + +"Dr. Sir," said the reply. "Your letter of the 16th inst., addressed to +this Department, subject rate on guinea- pigs from Franklin to Westcote, +ree'd. We have taken up the matter with our agent at Westcote, and his +reply is attached herewith. He informs us that you refused to receive the +consignment or to pay the charges. You have therefore no claim against +this company, and your letter regarding the proper rate on the consignment +should be addressed to our Tariff Department." + +Mr. Morehouse wrote to the Tariff Department. He stated his case clearly, +and gave his arguments in full, quoting a page or two from the +encyclopedia to prove that guinea-pigs were not common pigs. + +With the care that characterizes corporations when they are systematically +conducted, Mr. Morehouse's letter was numbered, O.K'd, and started through +the regular channels. Duplicate copies of the bill of lading, manifest, +Flannery's receipt for the package and several other pertinent papers were +pinned to the letter, and they were passed to the head of the Tariff +Department. + +The head of the Tariff Department put his feet on his desk and yawned. He +looked through the papers carelessly. + +"Miss Kane," he said to his stenographer, "take this letter. 'Agent, +Westcote, N. J. Please advise why consignment referred to in attached +papers was refused domestic pet rates."' + +Miss Kane made a series of curves and angles on her note book and waited +with pencil poised. The head of the department looked at the papers again. + +"Huh! guinea-pigs!" he said. "Probably starved to death by this time! Add +this to that letter: 'Give condition of consignment at present.'" + +He tossed the papers on to the stenographer's desk, took his feet from his +own desk and went out to lunch. + +When Mike Flannery received the letter he scratched his head. + +"Give prisint condition," he repeated thoughtfully. "Now what do thim +clerks be wantin' to know, I wonder! 'Prisint condition, 'is ut? Thim +pigs, praise St. Patrick, do be in good health, so far as I know, but I +niver was no veternairy surgeon to dago pigs. Mebby thim clerks wants me +to call in the pig docther an' have their pulses took. Wan thing I do +know, howiver, which is they've glorious appytites for pigs of their +soize. Ate? They'd ate the brass padlocks off of a barn door I If the +paddy pig, by the same token, ate as hearty as these dago pigs do, there'd +be a famine in Ireland." + +To assure himself that his report would be up to date, Flannery went to +the rear of the office and looked into the cage. The pigs had been +transferred to a larger box--a dry goods box. + +"Wan, -- two, -- t'ree, -- four, -- five, -- six, -- sivin, -- eight!" he +counted. "Sivin spotted an' wan all black. All well an' hearty an' all +eatin' loike ragin' hippypottymusses. He went back to his desk and wrote. + +"Mr. Morgan, Head of Tariff Department," he wrote. "Why do I say dago pigs +is pigs because they is pigs and will be til you say they ain't which is +what the rule book says stop your jollying me you know it as well as I do. +As to health they are all well and hoping you are the same. P. S. There +are eight now the family increased all good eaters. P. S. I paid out so +far two dollars for cabbage which they like shall I put in bill for same +what?" + +Morgan, head of the Tariff Department, when he received this letter, +laughed. He read it again and became serious. + +"By George!" he said, "Flannery is right, 'pigs is pigs.' I'll have to get +authority on this thing. Meanwhile, Miss Kane, take this letter: Agent, +Westcote, N. J. Regarding shipment guinea-pigs, File No. A6754. Rule 83, +Gen. eral Instruction to Agents, clearly states that agents shall collect +from consignee all costs of provender, etc., etc., required for live stock +while in transit or storage. You will proceed to collect same from +consignee." + +Flannery received this letter next morning, and when he read it he +grinned. + +"Proceed to collect," he said softly. "How thim clerks do loike to be +talkin'! Me proceed to col- lect two dollars and twinty-foive cints off +Misther Morehouse! I wonder do thim clerks know Misther Morehouse? I'll +git it! Oh, yes! 'Misther Morehouse, two an' a quarter, plaze.' 'Cert'nly, +me dear frind Flannery. Delighted!' Not!" + +Flannery drove the express wagon to Mr. Morehouse's door. Mr. Morehouse +answered the bell. + +"Ah, ha!" he cried as soon as he saw it was Flannery. "So you've come to +your senses at last, have you? I thought you would! Bring the box in." + +"I hev no box," said Flannery coldly. "I hev a bill agin Misther John C. +Morehouse for two dollars and twinty-foive cints for kebbages aten by his +dago pigs. Wud you wish to pay ut?" + +"Pay-- Cabbages-- !" gasped Mr. Morehouse. "Do you mean to say that two +little guinea-pigs--" + +"Eight!" said Flannery. "Papa an' mamma an' the six childer. Eight!" + +For answer Mr. Morehouse slammed the door in Flannery's face. Flannery +looked at the door reproachfully. + +"I take ut the con-sign-y don't want to pay for thim kebbages," he said. +"If I know signs of refusal, the con-sign-y refuses to pay for wan dang +kebbage leaf an' be hanged to me!" + +Mr. Morgan, the head of the Tariff Department, consulted the president of +the Interurban Express Company regarding guinea-pigs, as to whether they +were pigs or not pigs. The president was inclined to treat the matter +lightly. + +"What is the rate on pigs and on pets?" he asked. + +"Pigs thirty cents, pets twenty-five," said Morgan. + +"Then of course guinea-pigs are pigs," said the president. + +"Yes," agreed Morgan, "I look at it that way, too. A thing that can come +under two rates is naturally due to be classed as the higher. But are +guinea-pigs, pigs? Aren't they rabbits?" + +"Come to think of it," said the president, "I believe they are more like +rabbits. Sort of half-way station between pig and rabbit. I think the +question is this--are guinea-pigs of the domestic pig family? I'll ask +professor Gordon. He is authority on such things. Leave the papers with +me." + +The president put the papers on his desk and wrote a letter to Professor +Gordon. Unfortunately the Professor was in South America collecting +zoological specimens, and the letter was forwarded to him by his wife. As +the Professor was in the highest Andes, where no white man had ever +penetrated, the letter was many months in reaching him. The president +forgot the guinea-pigs, Morgan forgot them, Mr. Morehouse forgot them, but +Flannery did not. One- half of his time he gave to the duties of his +agency; the other half was devoted to the guinea-pigs. Long before +Professor Gordon received the president's letter Morgan received one from +Flannery. + +"About them dago pigs," it said, "what shall I do they are great in family +life, no race suicide for them, there are thirty-two now shall I sell them +do you take this express office for a menagerie, answer quick." + +Morgan reached for a telegraph blank and wrote: + +"Agent, Westcote. Don't sell pigs." + +He then wrote Flannery a letter calling his attention to the fact that the +pigs were not the property of the company but were merely being held +during a settlement of a dispute regarding rates. He advised Flannery to +take the best possible care of them. + +Flannery, letter in hand, looked at the pigs and sighed. The dry-goods box +cage had become too small. He boarded up twenty feet of the rear of the +express office to make a large and airy home for them, and went about his +business. He worked with feverish intensity when out on his rounds, for +the pigs required attention and took most of his time. Some months later, +in desperation, he seized a sheet of paper and wrote "160" across it and +mailed it to Morgan. Morgan returned it asking for explanation. Flannery +replied: + +"There be now one hundred sixty of them dago pigs, for heavens sake let me +sell off some, do you want me to go crazy, what." + +"Sell no pigs," Morgan wired. + +Not long after this the president of the express company received a letter +from Professor Gordon. It was a long and scholarly letter, but the point +was that the guinea-pig was the Cava aparoea while the common pig was the +genius Sus of the family Suidae. He remarked that they were prolific and +multiplied rapidly. + +"They are not pigs," said the president, decidedly, to Morgan. "The +twenty-five cent rate applies." + +Morgan made the proper notation on the papers that had accumulated in File +A6754, and turned them over to the Audit Department. The Audit Department +took some time to look the matter up, and after the usual delay wrote +Flannery that as he had on hand one hundred and sixty guinea-pigs, the +property of consignee, he should deliver them and collect charges at the +rate of twenty-five cents each. + +Flannery spent a day herding his charges through a narrow opening in their +cage so that he might count them. + +"Audit Dept." he wrote, when he had finished the count, "you are way off +there may be was one hundred and sixty dago pigs once, but wake up don't +be a back number. I've got even eight hundred, now shall I collect for +eight hundred or what, how about sixty-four dollars I paid out for +cabbages." + +It required a great many letters back and forth before the Audit +Department was able to understand why the error had been made of billing +one hundred and sixty instead of eight hundred, and still more time for it +to get the meaning of the "cabbages." + +Flannery was crowded into a few feet at the extreme front of the office. +The pigs had all the rest of the room and two boys were employed +constantly attending to them. The day after Flannery had counted the +guinea- pigs there were eight more added to his drove, and by the time the +Audit Department gave him authority to collect for eight hundred Flannery +had given up all attempts to attend to the receipt or the delivery of +goods. He was hastily building galleries around the express office, tier +above tier. He had four thousand and sixty-four guinea-pigs to care for! +More were arriving daily. + +Immediately following its authorization the Audit Department sent another +letter, but Flannery was too busy to open it. They wrote another and then +they telegraphed: + +"Error in guinea-pig bill. Collect for two guinea-pigs, fifty cents. +Deliver all to consignee." + +Flannery read the telegram and cheered up. He wrote out a bill as rapidly +as his pencil could travel over paper and ran all the way to the Morehouse +home. At the gate he stopped suddenly. The house stared at him with vacant +eyes. The windows were bare of curtains and he could see into the empty +rooms. A sign on the porch said, "To Let." Mr. Morehouse had moved! +Flannery ran all the way back to the express office. Sixty-nine +guinea-pigs had been born during his absence. He ran out again and made +feverish inquiries in the village. Mr. Morehouse had not only moved, but +he had left Westcote. Flannery returned to the express office and found +that two hundred and six guinea-pigs had entered the world since he left +it. He wrote a telegram to the Audit Department. + +"Can't collect fifty cents for two dago pigs consignee has left town +address unknown what shall I do? Flannery." + +The telegram was handed to one of the clerks in the Audit Department, and +as he read it he laughed. + +"Flannery must be crazy. He ought to know that the thing to do is to +return the consignment here," said the clerk. He telegraphed Flannery to +send the pigs to the main office of the company at Franklin. + +When Flannery received the telegram he set to work. The six boys be had +engaged to help him also set to work. They worked with the haste of +desperate men, making cages out of soap boxes, cracker boxes, and all +kinds of boxes, and as fast as the cages were completed they filled them +with guinea-pigs and expressed them to Franklin. Day after day the cages +of guineapigs flowed in a steady stream from Westcote to Franklin, and +still Flannery and his six helpers ripped and nailed and +packed--relentlessly and feverishly. At the end of the week they had +shipped two hundred and eighty cases of guinea-pigs, and there were in the +express office seven hundred and four more pigs than when they began +packing them. + +"Stop sending pigs. Warehouse full," came a telegram to Flannery. He +stopped packing only long enough to wire back, "Can't stop," and kept on +sending them. On the next train up from Franklin came one of the company's +inspectors. He had instructions to stop the stream of guinea-pigs at all +hazards. As his train drew up at Westcote station he saw a cattle car +standing on the express company's siding. When he reached the express +office he saw the express wagon backed up to the door. Six boys were +carrying bushel baskets full of guinea- pigs from the office and dumping +them into the wagon. Inside the room Flannery, with' his coat and vest +off, was shoveling guinea-pigs into bushel baskets with a coal scoop. He +was winding up the guinea-pig episode. + +He looked up at the inspector with a snort of anger. + +"Wan wagonload more an, I'll be quit of thim, an' niver will ye catch +Flannery wid no more foreign pigs on his hands. No, sur! They near was the +death o' me. Nixt toime I'll know that pigs of whaiver nationality is +domistic pets--an' go at the lowest rate. " + +He began shoveling again rapidly, speaking quickly between breaths. + +"Rules may be rules, but you can't fool Mike Flannery twice wid the same +thrick--whin ut comes to live stock, dang the rules. So long as Flannery +runs this expriss office--pigs is pets--an' cows is pets--an' horses is +pets--an' lions an' tigers an' Rocky Mountain goats is pets--an' the rate +on thim is twinty-foive cints." + +He paused long enough to let one of the boys put an empty basket in the +place of the one he had just filled. There were only a few guinea-pigs +left. As he noted their limited number his natural habit of looking on the +bright side returned. + +"Well, annyhow," he said cheerfully, "'tis not so bad as ut might be. +What if thim dago pigs had been elephants!" + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of "Pigs is Pigs," by Ellis Parker Butler + |