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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of “Pigs is Pigs”, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: “Pigs is Pigs”
+
+Author: Ellis Parker Butler
+
+Posting Date: October 30, 2008 [EBook #2004]
+Release Date: December, 1999
+Last Updated: March 11, 2018
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK “PIGS IS PIGS” ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer
+
+
+
+
+
+“PIGS IS PIGS”
+
+By Ellis Parker Butler
+
+
+
+
+Mike Flannery, the Westcote agent of the Interurban Express Company,
+leaned over the counter of the express office and shook his fist.
+Mr. Morehouse, angry and red, stood on the other side of the counter,
+trembling with rage. The argument had been long and heated, and at last
+Mr. Morehouse had talked himself speechless. The cause of the trouble
+stood on the counter between the two men. It was a soap box across
+the top of which were nailed a number of strips, forming a rough but
+serviceable cage. In it two spotted guinea-pigs were greedily eating
+lettuce leaves.
+
+“Do as you loike, then!” shouted Flannery, “pay for thim an' take
+thim, or don't pay for thim and leave thim be. Rules is rules, Misther
+Morehouse, an' Mike Flannery's not goin' to be called down fer breakin'
+of thim.”
+
+“But, you everlastingly stupid idiot!” shouted Mr. Morehouse, madly
+shaking a flimsy printed book beneath the agent's nose, “can't you read
+it here-in your own plain printed rates? 'Pets, domestic, Franklin to
+Westcote, if properly boxed, twenty-five cents each.'” He threw the book
+on the counter in disgust. “What more do you want? Aren't they pets?
+Aren't they domestic? Aren't they properly boxed? What?”
+
+He turned and walked back and forth rapidly; frowning ferociously.
+
+Suddenly he turned to Flannery, and forcing his voice to an artificial
+calmness spoke slowly but with intense sarcasm.
+
+“Pets,” he said “P-e-t-s! Twenty-five cents each. There are two of them.
+One! Two! Two times twenty-five are fifty! Can you understand that? I
+offer you fifty cents.”
+
+Flannery reached for the book. He ran his hand through the pages and
+stopped at page sixty four.
+
+“An' I don't take fifty cints,” he whispered in mockery. “Here's the
+rule for ut. 'Whin the agint be in anny doubt regardin' which of two
+rates applies to a shipment, he shall charge the larger. The con-sign-ey
+may file a claim for the overcharge.' In this case, Misther Morehouse,
+I be in doubt. Pets thim animals may be, an' domestic they be, but pigs
+I'm blame sure they do be, an' me rules says plain as the nose on
+yer face, 'Pigs Franklin to Westcote, thirty cints each.' An' Mister
+Morehouse, by me arithmetical knowledge two times thurty comes to sixty
+cints.”
+
+Mr. Morehouse shook his head savagely. “Nonsense!” he shouted,
+“confounded nonsense, I tell you! Why, you poor ignorant foreigner, that
+rule means common pigs, domestic pigs, not guinea pigs!”
+
+Flannery was stubborn.
+
+“Pigs is pigs,” he declared firmly. “Guinea-pigs, or dago pigs or Irish
+pigs is all the same to the Interurban Express Company an' to Mike
+Flannery. Th' nationality of the pig creates no differentiality in the
+rate, Misther Morehouse! 'Twould be the same was they Dutch pigs or
+Rooshun pigs. Mike Flannery,” he added, “is here to tind to the expriss
+business and not to hould conversation wid dago pigs in sivinteen
+languages fer to discover be they Chinese or Tipperary by birth an'
+nativity.”
+
+Mr. Morehouse hesitated. He bit his lip and then flung out his arms
+wildly.
+
+“Very well!” he shouted, “you shall hear of this! Your president shall
+hear of this! It is an outrage! I have offered you fifty cents. You
+refuse it! Keep the pigs until you are ready to take the fifty cents,
+but, by George, sir, if one hair of those pigs' heads is harmed I will
+have the law on you!”
+
+He turned and stalked out, slamming the door. Flannery carefully lifted
+the soap box from the counter and placed it in a corner. He was not
+worried. He felt the peace that comes to a faithful servant who has done
+his duty and done it well.
+
+Mr. Morehouse went home raging. His boy, who had been awaiting the
+guinea-pigs, knew better than to ask him for them. He was a normal boy
+and therefore always had a guilty conscience when his father was
+angry. So the boy slipped quietly around the house. There is nothing so
+soothing to a guilty conscience as to be out of the path of the avenger.
+Mr. Morehouse stormed into the house. “Where's the ink?” he shouted at
+his wife as soon as his foot was across the doorsill.
+
+Mrs. Morehouse jumped, guiltily. She never used ink. She had not seen
+the ink, nor moved the ink, nor thought of the ink, but her husband's
+tone convicted her of the guilt of having borne and reared a boy, and
+she knew that whenever her husband wanted anything in a loud voice the
+boy had been at it.
+
+“I'll find Sammy,” she said meekly.
+
+When the ink was found Mr. Morehouse wrote rapidly, and he read the
+completed letter and smiled a triumphant smile.
+
+“That will settle that crazy Irishman!” he exclaimed. “When they get
+that letter he will hunt another job, all right!”
+
+A week later Mr. Morehouse received a long official envelope with the
+card of the Interurban Express Company in the upper left corner. He tore
+it open eagerly and drew out a sheet of paper. At the top it bore the
+number A6754. The letter was short. “Subject--Rate on guinea-pigs,”
+ it said, “Dr. Sir--We are in receipt of your letter regarding rate on
+guinea-pigs between Franklin and Westcote addressed to the president
+of this company. All claims for overcharge should be addressed to the
+Claims Department.”
+
+Mr. Morehouse wrote to the Claims Department. He wrote six pages of
+choice sarcasm, vituperation and argument, and sent them to the Claims
+Department.
+
+A few weeks later he received a reply from the Claims Department.
+Attached to it was his last letter.
+
+“Dr. Sir,” said the reply. “Your letter of the 16th inst., addressed to
+this Department, subject rate on guinea-pigs from Franklin to Westcote,
+ree'd. We have taken up the matter with our agent at Westcote, and his
+reply is attached herewith. He informs us that you refused to receive
+the consignment or to pay the charges. You have therefore no claim
+against this company, and your letter regarding the proper rate on the
+consignment should be addressed to our Tariff Department.”
+
+Mr. Morehouse wrote to the Tariff Department. He stated his case
+clearly, and gave his arguments in full, quoting a page or two from the
+encyclopedia to prove that guinea-pigs were not common pigs.
+
+With the care that characterizes corporations when they are
+systematically conducted, Mr. Morehouse's letter was numbered, O.K'd,
+and started through the regular channels. Duplicate copies of the bill
+of lading, manifest, Flannery's receipt for the package and several
+other pertinent papers were pinned to the letter, and they were passed
+to the head of the Tariff Department.
+
+The head of the Tariff Department put his feet on his desk and yawned.
+He looked through the papers carelessly.
+
+“Miss Kane,” he said to his stenographer, “take this letter. 'Agent,
+Westcote, N. J. Please advise why consignment referred to in attached
+papers was refused domestic pet rates.”'
+
+Miss Kane made a series of curves and angles on her note book and waited
+with pencil poised. The head of the department looked at the papers
+again.
+
+“Huh! guinea-pigs!” he said. “Probably starved to death by this time!
+Add this to that letter: 'Give condition of consignment at present.'”
+
+He tossed the papers on to the stenographer's desk, took his feet from
+his own desk and went out to lunch.
+
+When Mike Flannery received the letter he scratched his head.
+
+“Give prisint condition,” he repeated thoughtfully. “Now what do thim
+clerks be wantin' to know, I wonder! 'Prisint condition, 'is ut? Thim
+pigs, praise St. Patrick, do be in good health, so far as I know, but I
+niver was no veternairy surgeon to dago pigs. Mebby thim clerks wants
+me to call in the pig docther an' have their pulses took. Wan thing I
+do know, howiver, which is they've glorious appytites for pigs of their
+soize. Ate? They'd ate the brass padlocks off of a barn door I If the
+paddy pig, by the same token, ate as hearty as these dago pigs do,
+there'd be a famine in Ireland.”
+
+To assure himself that his report would be up to date, Flannery went
+to the rear of the office and looked into the cage. The pigs had been
+transferred to a larger box--a dry goods box.
+
+“Wan, -- two, -- t'ree, -- four, -- five, -- six, -- sivin, -- eight!”
+ he counted. “Sivin spotted an' wan all black. All well an' hearty an'
+all eatin' loike ragin' hippypottymusses. He went back to his desk and
+wrote.
+
+“Mr. Morgan, Head of Tariff Department,” he wrote. “Why do I say dago
+pigs is pigs because they is pigs and will be til you say they ain't
+which is what the rule book says stop your jollying me you know it as
+well as I do. As to health they are all well and hoping you are the
+same. P. S. There are eight now the family increased all good eaters. P.
+S. I paid out so far two dollars for cabbage which they like shall I put
+in bill for same what?”
+
+Morgan, head of the Tariff Department, when he received this letter,
+laughed. He read it again and became serious.
+
+“By George!” he said, “Flannery is right, 'pigs is pigs.' I'll have to
+get authority on this thing. Meanwhile, Miss Kane, take this letter:
+Agent, Westcote, N. J. Regarding shipment guinea-pigs, File No. A6754.
+Rule 83, General Instruction to Agents, clearly states that agents
+shall collect from consignee all costs of provender, etc., etc.,
+required for live stock while in transit or storage. You will proceed to
+collect same from consignee.”
+
+Flannery received this letter next morning, and when he read it he
+grinned.
+
+“Proceed to collect,” he said softly. “How thim clerks do loike to be
+talkin'! Me proceed to collect two dollars and twinty-foive cints off
+Misther Morehouse! I wonder do thim clerks know Misther Morehouse?
+I'll git it! Oh, yes! 'Misther Morehouse, two an' a quarter, plaze.'
+'Cert'nly, me dear frind Flannery. Delighted!' Not!”
+
+Flannery drove the express wagon to Mr. Morehouse's door. Mr. Morehouse
+answered the bell.
+
+“Ah, ha!” he cried as soon as he saw it was Flannery. “So you've come to
+your senses at last, have you? I thought you would! Bring the box in.”
+
+“I hev no box,” said Flannery coldly. “I hev a bill agin Misther John
+C. Morehouse for two dollars and twinty-foive cints for kebbages aten by
+his dago pigs. Wud you wish to pay ut?”
+
+“Pay--Cabbages--!” gasped Mr. Morehouse. “Do you mean to say that two
+little guinea-pigs--”
+
+“Eight!” said Flannery. “Papa an' mamma an' the six childer. Eight!”
+
+For answer Mr. Morehouse slammed the door in Flannery's face. Flannery
+looked at the door reproachfully.
+
+“I take ut the con-sign-y don't want to pay for thim kebbages,” he said.
+“If I know signs of refusal, the con-sign-y refuses to pay for wan dang
+kebbage leaf an' be hanged to me!”
+
+Mr. Morgan, the head of the Tariff Department, consulted the president
+of the Interurban Express Company regarding guinea-pigs, as to whether
+they were pigs or not pigs. The president was inclined to treat the
+matter lightly.
+
+“What is the rate on pigs and on pets?” he asked.
+
+“Pigs thirty cents, pets twenty-five,” said Morgan.
+
+“Then of course guinea-pigs are pigs,” said the president.
+
+“Yes,” agreed Morgan, “I look at it that way, too. A thing that can come
+under two rates is naturally due to be classed as the higher. But are
+guinea-pigs, pigs? Aren't they rabbits?”
+
+“Come to think of it,” said the president, “I believe they are more like
+rabbits. Sort of half-way station between pig and rabbit. I think the
+question is this--are guinea-pigs of the domestic pig family? I'll ask
+professor Gordon. He is authority on such things. Leave the papers with
+me.”
+
+The president put the papers on his desk and wrote a letter to Professor
+Gordon. Unfortunately the Professor was in South America collecting
+zoological specimens, and the letter was forwarded to him by his wife.
+As the Professor was in the highest Andes, where no white man had ever
+penetrated, the letter was many months in reaching him. The president
+forgot the guinea-pigs, Morgan forgot them, Mr. Morehouse forgot them,
+but Flannery did not. One-half of his time he gave to the duties of
+his agency; the other half was devoted to the guinea-pigs. Long before
+Professor Gordon received the president's letter Morgan received one
+from Flannery.
+
+“About them dago pigs,” it said, “what shall I do they are great in
+family life, no race suicide for them, there are thirty-two now shall
+I sell them do you take this express office for a menagerie, answer
+quick.”
+
+Morgan reached for a telegraph blank and wrote:
+
+“Agent, Westcote. Don't sell pigs.”
+
+He then wrote Flannery a letter calling his attention to the fact that
+the pigs were not the property of the company but were merely being held
+during a settlement of a dispute regarding rates. He advised Flannery to
+take the best possible care of them.
+
+Flannery, letter in hand, looked at the pigs and sighed. The dry-goods
+box cage had become too small. He boarded up twenty feet of the rear
+of the express office to make a large and airy home for them, and went
+about his business. He worked with feverish intensity when out on his
+rounds, for the pigs required attention and took most of his time. Some
+months later, in desperation, he seized a sheet of paper and wrote
+“160” across it and mailed it to Morgan. Morgan returned it asking for
+explanation. Flannery replied:
+
+“There be now one hundred sixty of them dago pigs, for heavens sake let
+me sell off some, do you want me to go crazy, what.”
+
+“Sell no pigs,” Morgan wired.
+
+Not long after this the president of the express company received a
+letter from Professor Gordon. It was a long and scholarly letter, but
+the point was that the guinea-pig was the Cava aparoea while the common
+pig was the genius Sus of the family Suidae. He remarked that they were
+prolific and multiplied rapidly.
+
+“They are not pigs,” said the president, decidedly, to Morgan. “The
+twenty-five cent rate applies.”
+
+Morgan made the proper notation on the papers that had accumulated in
+File A6754, and turned them over to the Audit Department. The Audit
+Department took some time to look the matter up, and after the usual
+delay wrote Flannery that as he had on hand one hundred and sixty
+guinea-pigs, the property of consignee, he should deliver them and
+collect charges at the rate of twenty-five cents each.
+
+Flannery spent a day herding his charges through a narrow opening in
+their cage so that he might count them.
+
+“Audit Dept.” he wrote, when he had finished the count, “you are way off
+there may be was one hundred and sixty dago pigs once, but wake up don't
+be a back number. I've got even eight hundred, now shall I collect
+for eight hundred or what, how about sixty-four dollars I paid out for
+cabbages.”
+
+It required a great many letters back and forth before the Audit
+Department was able to understand why the error had been made of billing
+one hundred and sixty instead of eight hundred, and still more time for
+it to get the meaning of the “cabbages.”
+
+Flannery was crowded into a few feet at the extreme front of the
+office. The pigs had all the rest of the room and two boys were employed
+constantly attending to them. The day after Flannery had counted the
+guinea-pigs there were eight more added to his drove, and by the time
+the Audit Department gave him authority to collect for eight hundred
+Flannery had given up all attempts to attend to the receipt or the
+delivery of goods. He was hastily building galleries around the express
+office, tier above tier. He had four thousand and sixty-four guinea-pigs
+to care for! More were arriving daily.
+
+Immediately following its authorization the Audit Department sent
+another letter, but Flannery was too busy to open it. They wrote another
+and then they telegraphed:
+
+“Error in guinea-pig bill. Collect for two guinea-pigs, fifty cents.
+Deliver all to consignee.”
+
+Flannery read the telegram and cheered up. He wrote out a bill as
+rapidly as his pencil could travel over paper and ran all the way to the
+Morehouse home. At the gate he stopped suddenly. The house stared at
+him with vacant eyes. The windows were bare of curtains and he could see
+into the empty rooms. A sign on the porch said, “To Let.” Mr. Morehouse
+had moved! Flannery ran all the way back to the express office.
+Sixty-nine guinea-pigs had been born during his absence. He ran out
+again and made feverish inquiries in the village. Mr. Morehouse had not
+only moved, but he had left Westcote. Flannery returned to the express
+office and found that two hundred and six guinea-pigs had entered the
+world since he left it. He wrote a telegram to the Audit Department.
+
+“Can't collect fifty cents for two dago pigs consignee has left town
+address unknown what shall I do? Flannery.”
+
+The telegram was handed to one of the clerks in the Audit Department,
+and as he read it he laughed.
+
+“Flannery must be crazy. He ought to know that the thing to do is to
+return the consignment here,” said the clerk. He telegraphed Flannery to
+send the pigs to the main office of the company at Franklin.
+
+When Flannery received the telegram he set to work. The six boys he
+had engaged to help him also set to work. They worked with the haste of
+desperate men, making cages out of soap boxes, cracker boxes, and all
+kinds of boxes, and as fast as the cages were completed they filled them
+with guinea-pigs and expressed them to Franklin. Day after day the cages
+of guineapigs flowed in a steady stream from Westcote to Franklin,
+and still Flannery and his six helpers ripped and nailed and
+packed--relentlessly and feverishly. At the end of the week they had
+shipped two hundred and eighty cases of guinea-pigs, and there were in
+the express office seven hundred and four more pigs than when they began
+packing them.
+
+“Stop sending pigs. Warehouse full,” came a telegram to Flannery. He
+stopped packing only long enough to wire back, “Can't stop,” and kept
+on sending them. On the next train up from Franklin came one of
+the company's inspectors. He had instructions to stop the stream of
+guinea-pigs at all hazards. As his train drew up at Westcote station
+he saw a cattle car standing on the express company's siding. When he
+reached the express office he saw the express wagon backed up to the
+door. Six boys were carrying bushel baskets full of guinea-pigs from the
+office and dumping them into the wagon. Inside the room Flannery, with'
+his coat and vest off, was shoveling guinea-pigs into bushel baskets
+with a coal scoop. He was winding up the guinea-pig episode.
+
+He looked up at the inspector with a snort of anger.
+
+“Wan wagonload more an, I'll be quit of thim, an' niver will ye catch
+Flannery wid no more foreign pigs on his hands. No, sur! They near was
+the death o' me. Nixt toime I'll know that pigs of whaiver nationality
+is domistic pets--an' go at the lowest rate.”
+
+He began shoveling again rapidly, speaking quickly between breaths.
+
+“Rules may be rules, but you can't fool Mike Flannery twice wid the same
+thrick--whin ut comes to live stock, dang the rules. So long as Flannery
+runs this expriss office--pigs is pets--an' cows is pets--an' horses
+is pets--an' lions an' tigers an' Rocky Mountain goats is pets--an' the
+rate on thim is twinty-foive cints.”
+
+He paused long enough to let one of the boys put an empty basket in the
+place of the one he had just filled. There were only a few guinea-pigs
+left. As he noted their limited number his natural habit of looking on
+the bright side returned.
+
+“Well, annyhow,” he said cheerfully, “'tis not so bad as ut might be.
+What if thim dago pigs had been elephants!”
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of “Pigs is Pigs”, by Ellis Parker Butler
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