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diff --git a/20001.txt b/20001.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0bbbbfa --- /dev/null +++ b/20001.txt @@ -0,0 +1,25264 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The English Spy, by Bernard Blackmantle + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The English Spy + An Original Work Characteristic, Satirical, And Humorous. + Comprising Scenes And Sketches In Every Rank Of Society, + Being Portraits Drawn From The Life + +Author: Bernard Blackmantle + +Illustrator: Robert Cruikshank + +Release Date: December 3, 2006 [EBook #20001] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ENGLISH SPY *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +THE + +ENGLISH SPY: + +An Original Work + +CHARACTERISTIC, SATIRICAL, AND HUMOROUS. + +COMPRISING + +SCENES AND SKETCHES IN EVERY RANK OF SOCIETY, + +BEING + +PORTRAITS + +DRAWN FROM THE LIFE + +BY BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. + +THE ILLUSTRATIONS DESIGNED BY + +ROBERT CRUIKSHANK. + +By Frolic, Mirth, and Fancy gay, Old Father Time is borne away. + +LONDON: + +PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, JONES, AND CO. + +PATERNOSTER-ROW. + +1825. + +[Illustration: Cover] + + + +[Illustration: Frontispiece] + + + +[Illustration: Titlepage] + + + + +BERNARD BLACKMANTLE{*} TO THE REVIEWERS. + + "But now, what Quixote of the age would care + To wage a war with dirt, and fight with air?" + +Messieurs the Critics, + +After twelve months of agreeable toil, made easy by unprecedented +success, the period has at length arrived when your high mightinesses +will be able to indulge your voracious appetites by feeding and +fattening on the work of death. Already does my prophetic spirit picture +to itself the black cloud of cormorants, swelling and puffing in the +fulness of their editorial pride, at the huge eccentric volume which +has thus thrust itself into extensive circulation without the usual +_cringings_ and _cravings_ to the _pick fault tribe_. But + + I dare defy the venal crew that prates, + From tailor Place* to fustian Herald Thwaites.{**} + + + * The woolly editor of the Breeches Makers', alias the + "Westminster Review." + + ** The thing who writes the leaden (leading) articles for + the Morning Herald. + +Let me have good proof of your greediness to devour my labours, and I +will dish up such a meal for you in my next volume, as shall go nigh to +produce extermination by _surfeit_. One favour, alone, I crave--give me +_abuse_ enough; let no squeamish pretences of respect for my bookseller, +or disguised qualms of apprehension for your own sacred persons, deter +the _natural_ inclination of your hearts. The slightest deviation +from your _usual course_ to independent writers--or one step towards +commendation from your _gang_, might induce the public to believe I +had _abandoned my character_, and become one of your _honourable +fraternity_-the very _suspicion of which_ would (to me) produce +irretrievable ruin. _Your masters_, the _trading brotherhood_, will (as +usual) direct you in the course you should pursue; whether to approve or +condemn, as their _'peculiar interests_ may dictate. Most _sapient_ sirs +of the secret _bandit'_ of the screen, inquisitors of literature, raise +all your _arms_ and _heels_, your _daggers, masks_, and _hatchets_, to +revenge the daring of an _open foe_, who thus boldly defies your _base_ +and _selfish views_; for, basking at his ease in the sunshine of public +patronage, he feels that his heart is rendered invulnerable to your_ +poisoned shafts_. Read, and you shall find I have not been parsimonious +of the means to grant you _food_ and _pleasure_: errors there are, no +doubt, and plenty of them, grammatical and typographical, all of which +I might have corrected by an _errata_ at the end of my volume; but I +disdain the wish to rob you of your office, and have therefore left them +just where I made them, without a single note to mark them out; for if +all the _thistles were rooted up_, what would become of the _asses?_ or +of those + + "Who pin their easy faith on critic's sleeve, + And, knowing nothing, ev'ry thing believe?" + +Fully satisfied that swarms of _literary blow flies_ will pounce upon +the errors with delight, and, buzzing with the ecstasy of infernal joy, +endeavour to hum their readers into a belief of the profundity of their +critic erudition;--I shall nevertheless, with Churchill, laughingly +exclaim--"Perish my muse" + + "If e'er her labours weaken to refine + The generous roughness of a nervous line." + +Bernard Blackmantle. + + + + +CONTENTS. Page + INTRODUCTION 3 + + PREFACE, IN IMITATION OF THE FIRST SATIRE OF + PERSIUS 5 + + REFLECTIONS, ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO CAN + THINK. + + Reflections of an Author--Weighty Reasons for writing-- + Magister Artis Ingeniique Largitor Venter--Choice of Subject + considered--Advice of Index, the Bookseller--Of the Nature + of Prefaces--How to commence a new Work 7 + + A FEW THOUGHTS ON MYSELF 14 + + A SHANDEAN SCENE, BETWEEN LADY MARY OLD-- + STYLE AND HORATIO HEARTLY 17 + + SCHOOL--BOY REMINISCENCES. ON EARLY FRIEND-- + SHIP 22 + + CHARACTER OF BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. BY + HORATIO HEARTLY 25 + + ETON SKETCHES OF CHARACTER 32 + + THE FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF ETON--DOCTOR, + DAME, COLLEGER, OPPIDAN, AND CAD. A + Sketch taken opposite the Long Walk 42 + + ETON DAMES; AN ODE, NEITHER AMATORY, ILL-- + NATURED, NOR PATHETIC 43 + + ELECTION SATURDAY. + A Peep at the Long Chambers--The Banquet--Reflections + on parting--Arrival of the Provost of King's College, Cam-- + bridge, and the Pozers--The Captain's Oration--Busy Monday + --The Oppidan's Farewell--Examination and Election of the + Collegers who stand for King's--The aquatic Gala and Fire-- + works--Oxonian Visitors--Night--Rambles in Eton--Transfor- + mations of Signs and Names--The Feast at the Christopher, + with a View of the Oppidan's Museum, and Eton Court of + Claims 58 + + AN ETON ELECTION SCENE 59 + + HERBERT STOCKHORE, THE MONTEM POET + LAUREATE. + + A Sketch from the Life, as he appeared in the Montem + Procession of May, 1823. By Bernard Blackmantle and + Robert Transit 67 + + LIFE IN ETON; A College Chaunt in praise of private + Tutors 68 + + RECOLLECTIONS OF AN OLD ETONIAN 78 + + ETON MONTEM 96 + + FAREWELL TO ETON 105 + + MY VALE 108 + + THE FRESHMAN. + Reflections on leaving Eton University--A Whip--Sketches + on the Road--The Joneses of Jesus--Picturesque Appearance + of Oxford from the Distance--The Arrival--Welcome of an + Old Etonian--Visit to Dr. Dingyman--A University Don-- + Presentation to the Big Wig--Ceremony of Matriculation 113 + + CHRIST CHURCH COLLEGE. + Architectural Reminiscences--Descriptive Remarks--Simi- + litude between the Characters of Cardinal Wolsey and + Napoleon 129 + + THE DINNER PARTY. + Bernard Blackmantle's Visit to Tom Echo--Oxford Phrase- + ology--Smuggled Dinners--A College Party described-- + Topography of a Man's Room--Portrait of a Bachelor of Arts + --Hints to Freshmen--Customs of the University 132 + + COLLEGE SERVANTS. + Descriptive Sketch of a College Scout--Biography of Mark + Supple--Singular Invitation to a Spread 146 + + TAKING POSSESSION OF YOUR ROOMS. + Topography of a vacant College Larium--Anecdotes and + Propensities of Predecessors--A Long Shot--Scout's List of + Necessaries--Condolence of University Friends 151 + + THE EXCURSION TO BAGLEY WOOD 157 + + WESTERN ENTRANCE INTO THE METROPOLIS. + A descriptive Sketch. + General Views of the Author relative to Subject and Style + --Time and Place--Perspective Glimpse of the great City-- + The Approach--Cockney Salutations--The Toll House-- + Western Entrance to Cockney Land--Hyde Park--Sunday + Noon-Sketches of Character, Costume, and Scenery--The + Ride and Drive--Kensington Gardens--Belles and Beaux- + Stars and fallen Stars--Singularities of 1824-Tales of Ton- + On Dits and Anecdotes--Sunday Evening--High Life and + Low Life, the Contrast--Cockney Goths--Notes, Biographical, + Amorous, and Exquisite 164 + + THE OPERA. + The Man of Fashion--Fop's Alley--Modern Roue and + Frequenters--Characteristic Sketches in High Life--Blue + Stocking Illuminati--Motives and Manners--Meeting with + the Honourable Lillyman Lionise--Dinner at Long's--Visit + to the Opera--Joined by Bob Transit--A Peep into the + Green Room--Secrets behind the Curtain--Noble Amateurs + and Foreign Curiosities--Notes and Anecdotes by Horatio + Heartly 198 + + THE ROYAL SALOON. + Visit of Heartly, Lionise, and Transit--Description of the + Place--Sketches of Character--The Gambling Parsons--Horse + Chaunting, a true Anecdote--Bang and her Friends--Moll + Raffle and the Marquis W.--he Play Man--The Touter-- + The Half-pay Officer--Charles Rattle, Esq.--Life of a modern + Roue--B------ the Tailor--The Subject--Jarvey and Brooks + the Dissector--"Kill him when you want him" 205 + + THE SPREAD, OR WINE PARTY AT BRAZEN-NOSE. + A College Wine Party described--Singular Whim of + Horace Eglantine--Meeting of the Oxford Crackademonians + --Sketches of Eccentric Characters, drawn from the Life-- + The Doctor's Daughter--an old Song--A Round of Sculls-- + Epitaphs on the Living and the Dead--Tom Tick, a College + Tale--The Voyagers--Notes and Anecdotes 221 + + THE OXFORD RAKE'S PROGRESS 233 + + TOWN AND GOWN, AN OXFORD ROW. + + Battle of the Togati and the Town--Raff--A Night--Scene in + the High-Street, Oxford--Description of the Combatants-- + Attack of the Gownsmen upon the Mitre--Evolutions of the + Assailants--Manoeuvres of the Proctors and Bull--Dogs-- + Perilous Condition of Blackmantle and his Associates, Eglan- + tine, Echo, and Transit--Snug Retreat of Lionise--The High-- + Street after the Battle--Origin of the Argotiers, and Inven- + tion of Cant--phrases--History of the Intestine Wars and + Civil Broils of Oxford, from the Time of Alfred--Origin + of the late Strife--Ancient Ballad--Retreat of the Togati-- + Reflections of a Freshman--Black Matins, or the Effect of + late Drinking upon early Risers--Visit to Golgotha, or the + Place of Sculls--Lecture from the Big--Wigs--Tom Echo + receives Sentence of Rustication 246 + + TOWNE AND GOWNE 263 + + THE STAGE COACH, OR THE TRIP TO BRIGHTON. + Improvements in Travelling--Contrast of ancient and + modern Conveyances and Coachmen--Project for a new Land + Steam Carriage--The Inn--yard at the Golden Cross, Charing + Cross--Mistakes of Passengers--Variety of Characters--Ad- + vantages of the Box--seat--Obstructions on the Road--A + Pull--up at the Elephant and Castle--Move on to Kennington + Common--New Churches--Civic Villas at Brixton--Modern + Taste in Architecture described--Arrival at Croydon; why + not now the King's Road?--The Joliffe Hounds--A Hunting + Leader--Anecdotes of the Horse, by Coachee--The new + Tunnel at Reigate--The Baron's Chamber--The Golden Ball + --the Silver Ball--and the Golden Calf--Entrance into + Brighton 274 + + THE PROPOSITION. + Family Secrets--Female Tactics--How to carry the Point 287 + + SKETCHES AT BRIGHTON. + The Pavilion Party--Interior described--Royal and Noble + Anecdotes--The King and Mathews 292 + + CHARACTERS ON THE BEACH AND STEYNE, + BRIGHTON. + On Bathing and Bathers--Advantages of Shampooing-- + French Decency--Brighton Politeness--Sketches of Character + --The Banker's Widow--Miss J----s--Mrs. F----1--Peter + Paragraph, he London Correspondent--J--k S----h--The + French Consul--Paphian Divinities--C---- L----, Esq. + Squeeze into the Libraries--The new Plunging Bath-- + Chain Pier--Cockney Comicalities--Royal Gardens--The + Club House 305 + + METROPOLITAN SKETCHES. + Heartly, Echo, and Transit start for a Spree--Scenes by + Daylight, Starlight, and Gaslight--Black Monday at Tatter-- + sail's--The first Meeting after the Great St. Leger--Heroes of + the Turf paying and receiving--Dinner at Fishmongers' Hall + --Committee of Greeks--The Affair of the Cogged Dice--A + Regular Break--down--Rules for the New Club--The Daffy + Club, or a Musical Muster of the Fancy: striking Portraits-- + Counting the Stars--Covent Garden, what it was and what it + is--The Finish--Anecdotes of Characters--The Hall of Infamy, + alias the Covent Garden Hell 327 + + VISIT TO WESTMINSTER HALL. + Worthies thereof--Legal Sketches of the Long Robe--An + Awkward Recognition--Visit to Banco Regis--Surrey Col-- + legians giving a Lift to a Limb of the Law--Out of Rule and in + Rule--"Thus far shalt thou go, and no further"--Park + Rangers personified--Visit to the Life Academy, Somerset + House--R. A--ys of Genius reflecting on the true Line of + Beauty--Peep into the Green Rooms of the two Theatres Royal, + Drury Lane and Covent Garden--Bernard Blackmantle + reading his new Play and Farce--The City Ball at the Mansion + House--The Squeeze--Civic Characters--Return to Oxford-- + Invite to Cambridge--Jemmy Gordon's Frolic--Term ends 355 + + + + + ILLUSTRATIONS IN THE ENGLISH SPY. + + (By R. CRUIKSHANK unless otherwise attributed) + + We hope it will be generally admitted that few volumes have + a more decided claim upon the public patronage, in respect + to the novelty and variety of design, as well as the number + of illustrations, than the one here presented to the reader. + To speak of the choice humorous talent engaged in the work + would only be to re-echo the applauding sentiments of the + reviewers and admirers of rich graphic excellence. + Cruikshank and Rowlandson are names not unworthy a space + upon the same roll with Hogarth, Gilray, and Bunbury: to + exhibit scenes of character in real life, sketched upon the + spot, was an undertaking of no mean importance; + particularly, when it is remembered how great the difficulty + must have been in collecting together accurate portraits. + The work, it will be perceived, contains thirty-six Copper- + Plates, etched, aquainted, and coloured, by and under the + direction of the respective artists whose names appear to + the different subjects, the principal part of which are the + sole production of Mr. Robert Cruikshank. The Wood + Engravings, twenty-eight in number, besides the _Vignettes_, + (which are numerous), are equally full of merit; and will be + found, upon examination, to be every way worthy the superior + style of typographical excellence which characterises the + volume, + + I. + + THE FRONTISPIECE + + Is intended to convey a general idea of the nature of the + work; combining, in rich classic taste, a variety of + subjects illustrative of the polished as well as the more + humble scenes of real life. It represents a Gothic Temple, + into which the artist, Mr. Robert Cruikshank, has introduced + a greater variety of characteristic subject than was ever + before compressed into one design. In the centre + compartment, at the top, we have a view of a Terrestrial + Heaven, where Music, Love, and gay Delight are all united to + lend additional grace to Fashion, and increase the splendour + of the revels of Terpsichore. In the niches, on each side, + are the twin genii, Poetry and Painting; while the + pedestals, right and left, present the protectors of their + country, the old Soldier and Sailor, retired upon pensions, + enjoying and regaling themselves on the bounty of their + King. In the centre of the Plate are three divisions + representing the King, Lords, and Commons in the full + exercise of their prerogatives. The figures on each side are + portraits of Bernard Blackmantle (the English Spy), and his + friend, Robert Transit (the artist), standing on projecting + pedestals, and playing with the world as a ball; not + doubting but for this piece of vanity, the world, or the + reviewers for them, will knock them about in return. On the + front of the pedestals are the arms of the Universities of + Oxford and Cambridge; and in the centre armorial shields of + the Cities of London and Westminster. The picture of a + modern Hell, in the centre, between the pedestals, has the + very appropriate emblems of Misery and Death, in the niches + on each side. Crowning the whole, the Genius of Wit is seen + astride of an eagle, demonstrative of strength, and wielding + in his hand the lash of Satire; an instrument which, in the + present work, has been used more as a corrective of we than + personal ill-nature. + + + II. + + THE FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF SOCIETY. + The King-Corinthian; an elegant Female-Composite; the + Nobleman-Doric; a Member of the University-Ionic; and the + Buck of Fashion-Tuscan. On the left hand may be seen a + specimen of the Exquisite, a new order in high estimation at + the west end of the Town; and on the right hand stands an + old order of some solidity in the eastern parts of the + Metropolis. Fashion, Taste, and Fame, are emblematical of + the varied pursuits of life; while the Army and Navy of the + country are the capitals that crown the superstructure, + combining the ornamental with the useful. + + + III. + + FIRST ABSENCE, OR THE SONS OF OLD ETONA + ANSWERING MORNING MUSTER-ROLL. 25 + A view of the school-yard, Eton, at the time first Absence + is called, and just when the learned Doctor Keat is reviewing + the upper school. (Portraits.) + + + IV. + + THE OPPIDAN'S MUSEUM, OR ETON COURT OF + CLAIMS AT THE CHRISTOPHER. 49 + Bernard Blackmantle and Robert Transit sitting in judge- + ment after Election Saturday, apportioning the remuneration + money to the different claimants of the surrounding trophies. + + + V. + + ETON MONTEM, AND THE MOUNT, SALT HILL. 96 + An accurate sketch of this ancient customary procession + made upon the spot. + + + VI. + + THE FIRST BOW TO ALMA MATER. 113 + Bernard Blackmantle's Introduction to the Big Wig on his + Arrival at Oxford. + + + VII. + + FLOORING OF MERCURY, OR BURNING THE OAKS. 131 + A scene in Tom Quadrangle, Oxford. + + "If wits aright their tale of terror tell, + A little after great Mercurius fell, + + *** + + Gownsmen and Townsmen throng'd the water's edge + To gaze upon the dreadful sacrilege: + + *** + + ------there with drooping mien a silent band + Canons and Bedmaker together stand:-- + + *** + + In equal horror all alike were seen, + And shuddering scouts forgot to cap the Dean." + + + VIII. + + COLLEGE COMFORTS. 151 + Taking possession of your rooms. Bernard Blackmantle + taking possession of his rooms in Brazennose. Scout's list of + wants. Standing the quiz of the Togati Visible propensities + of your predecessor. The day of purification. + + + IX. + + CAP-ING A PROCTOR, OR OXFORD BULL-DOGS + DETECTING BRAZENNOSE SMUGGLERS. 152 + Tom Echo and Horace Eglantine lowering the plate-basket, + after the College-gates are closed, to obtain a supply of fresh + provision, are detected by the Proctor and Town Marshal with + their Bull-Dogs: in their alarm the basket and its contents are + suddenly let fall upon the Proctor, who is not able to under- + stand the joke. + + + X. + + THE ARRIVAL, OR WESTERN ENTRANCE INTO + COCKNEY LAND. 164 + Portrait of high and low life Dandies and Dandysettes. + + + XI. + THE GREEN-ROOM OF THE KING'S THEATRE, R + NOBLE AMATEURS VIEWING FOREIGN CURIOSITIES. 198 + Portraits of ten noble and distinguished patrons of the + opera, with those of certain daughters of Terpsichore. + + + XII. + THE ROYAL SALOON IN PICCADILLY, OR AN HOUR + AFTER THE OPERA. 205 + Heartly, Lionise, and Transit in search of Character--The + gambling Parsons--Legs and Leg-ees-Tats men and touters-- + Moll Raffle and Bang. + + + XIII. + + OXFORD TRANSPORTS, OR UNIVERSITY EXILES. 235 + Albanians doing penance for past offences. A Scene sketched + from the Life. Horace Eglantine is proposing "the Study of + the Fathers," a favourite College toast, while Tom Echo is + enforcing Obedience to the President's proposition by finishing + off a Shirker. Dick Gradus having been declared absent, is + taking a cool nap with the Ice-pail in his arms and his head + resting upon a Greek Lexicon: in the left hand corner may + be seen a Scout bearing off a dead Man, (but not without hope + of Resurrection). Bob Transit and Bernard Blackmantle + occupy the situation on each side of Dick Gradus; in the + right-hand corner, Horace's servant is drawing the last Cork + from the parting bottle, which is to welcome in the peep o' day. + Injustice to the present authorities it should be stated, + that this is a Scene of other limes.--Vide A. + + + XIV. + SHOW SUNDAY, A VIEW IN THE BROAD WALK, + CHRIST CHURCH MEADOWS, OXFORD. 244 + Portraits of the Togati and the town, including big wigs, + nobs, and dons. Among the more conspicuous are Dr. Kett, + Lord G. Grenville, Dr. Grovesnor, Alderman Fletcher, and + Mr. Swan. + + + XV. + TOWN AND GOWN. 246 + Battle of the Togati and Town Raff of Oxford, a night scene. + --Bernard and his Friends, Horace and Tom, distributing + among the Bargees of St. Clement's. + + + XVI. + + BLACK MATINS, OR THE EFFECTS OF LATE + DRINKING UPON EARLY RISERS. 269 + A Most Imposing Scene.-Time seven o'clock in the Morn- + ing, the last bell has just tolled, and the University Men have + just turned out, while the hunting-frock, boots, and appear- + ance of some of the party, proclaim that they have just turned + in; all are eager to save fine and imposition, and not a few are + religiously disturbed in their Dreams. The admirable disorder + of the party is highly illustrative of the Effect produced by an + Evening Wine Party in College Rooms. + + + XVII. + GOLGOTHA, OR THE PLACE OF SCULLS. 272 + Tom Echo receiving sentence of Rustication. The Big Wigs + in a Bustle. Lecture on disobedience and chorus of the + Synod. Reports from the Isle of Bull dogs. Running foul + of the Quicksands of Rustication after having passed Point + Failure and The Long Hope. Nearly blown up at Point + Nonplus, and obliged to lay by to refit. + + + XVIII. + THE EVENING PARTY AT THE PAVILION, + BRIGHTON. (BY O. M. BRIOHTY.) 296 + Interior of the Yellow Room--Portraits of His Majesty, + the Duke of York, and Princess Augusta, Marquis and + Marchioness of Conyngham, Earl of Arran, Lord Francis + Conyngham, Lady Elizabeth and Sir H. Barnard, Sir H. + Turner, Sir W. Knighton, Sir E. Nagle, and Sir C. Paget, + sketched from the Life. + + + XIX. + THE KING AT HOME, OR MATHEWS AT CARLTON + HOUSE. 298 + A scene founded on fact; including Portraits of the King, + Mathews, and other celebrated persons. + + + XX. + A FROLIC IN HIGH LIFE, OR, A VISIT TO BILLINGS- + GATE. 303 + A very extraordinary whim of two very distinguished + females, whose Portraits will be easily recognised. + + + XXI. + CHARACTERS ON THE STEYNE, BRIGHTON. 309 + Portraits of illustrious, noble, and wealthy Visitors--The + Banker's Widow--A Bathing Group--The Chain Pier, &c. + + + XXII. + TOM ECHO LAID UP WITH THE HEDDINGTON + FEVER, OR AN OXONIAN VERY NEAR THE + WALL. 323 + Symptoms of having been engaged too deeply in the study + of Hie fathers. Portrait of a well-known Esculapian chief. + + + XXIII. + + MONDAY AFTER THE GREAT ST. LEGER, OR + HEROES OF THE TURF PAYING AND RECEIVING + AT TATTERSALL'S. 329 + This sketch was made upon the spot by my friend Transit, + on the Monday following the result of the last Great St. Leger + in 1823, when the Legs were, for the most part, in mourning + from the loss of their favourite Sherwood. Some long faces + will be easily recognized, and some few round ones, though + Barefoots, not easily be forgotten. The Tinkers were many + of them Levanters. Here may be seen the Peer and the Prig, + the Wise one and the Green one, the Pigeon and the Rook + amalgamated together. It is almost unnecessary to say, the + greater part of the characters are portraits. + + + XXIV. + + EXTERIOR OF FISHMONGERS'-HALL, ST. JAMES'S + STREET, WITH A VIEW OF A REGULAR BREAKDOWN. 331 + Portraits of the Master Fishmonger, and many well- + known Greeks and Pigeons. + + + XXV. + + INTERIOR OF A MODERN HELL. (Vide the affair of + the cogged dice.) 334 + Portraits of upwards of twenty well-known Punters and + Frequenters--Greeks and Pigeons, noble and ignoble--The + Fishmonger in a fright, or the gudgeon turned shark--Expose + of Saint Hugh's Bones--Secrets worth knowing. (See work.) + + + XXVI. + THE DAFFY CLUB, OR A MUSICAL MUSTER OF + THE FANCY. 339 + Interior of Tom Belcher's Parlour. Heartly and Bob in + search of Character. Striking likenesses of Boxers, Betters, + &c.--with a pen and ink Sketch of a Noted--one--a fine + School for Practical Experience. (For key to Portraits- + see work.) + + + XXVII. + + PEEP 0' DAYS AND FAMILY MEN AT THE FINISH. 342 + A Night Scene near Covent Garden--Coffee and comical + company. + + + XXVIII. + FAMILY MEN AT FAULT, OR AN UNEXPECTED + VISIT FROM THE BISHOP AND HIS CHAPLAINS. 345 + A Scene near Covent Garden, in which are introduced + certain well-known Characters and Bow-street Officers: in- + cluding Messrs. Bishop, Smith, Ruthven, and Townshend. + + + XXIX. + + THE HALL OF INFAMY, ALIAS OYSTER SALOON, + IN BRYDGES-STREET, OR NEW COVENT GARDEN HELL. 354 + Portraits of the old Harridan and her Flask man Tom. + Sketches of Sharps and Flats, Green ones and Impures. + Done from the Life. + + + XXX. + + WESTMINSTER HALL. 361 + Portraits of well-known Worthies of the Bar.--The Maiden + Brief.--Dick Gradus examining a Witness. + + + XXXI. + + SURREY COLLEGIANS GIVING A LIFT TO A LIMB + OF THE LAW. 364 + Interior of the King's Bench Prison--Rough-drying a Lawyer. + + + XXXII. + R-A-YS OF GENIUS REFLECTING ON THE TRUE + LINE OF BEAUTY AT THE LIFE ACADEMY, + SOMERSET HOUSE. (BY T. ROWLANDSON.) 365 + Bob Transit's first appearance as a student. Sketching + from the Life. Outlines of character. How to grow rich but + not great. Secrets worth knowing, and Portraits of all the + Well-known. + + + XXXIII. + + BERNARD BLACKMANTLE READING HIS PLAY IN + THE GREEN-ROOM OF COVENT GARDEN THEATRE. 366 + Portraits of Messrs. C. Kemble, Fawcett, Farley, Jones, + Farren, Grimaldi, Macready, Young, T. P. Cooke, Chapman, + Blanchard, Abbott, Cooper, Yates, and the English Spy; + Mrs. Davenport, Miss Chester, Miss M. Tree, Miss Love, and + Mrs. Davison. + + + XXXIV. + + BERNARD BLACKMANTLE READING HIS FARCE IN + THE GREEN ROOM OF THE THEATRE ROYAL, + DRURY LANE. (by T. Wageman.) 367 + Portraits of Elliston, Dowton, Harley, Munden, Knight, + Liston, Oxberry, Sherwin, Gattie, Wallack, Terry, G. Smith, + and Barnard, Miss Stephens, Mrs. Orger, Madame Vestris, + Mrs. Harlowe, and the English Spy. The Likenesses are all + studies from the life. + + + XXXV. + THE CITY BALL AT THE MANSION HOUSE. 368 + Portraits of the Duke of Sussex, the Lord Mayor (Waith- + man) and Lady Mayoress, the Sheriffs Laurie and Whittaker, + Aldermen Wood and Curtis, Sir Richard Phillips, Messrs. + Hone, Patten, with other well-known Characters. + + + XXXVI. + JEMMY GORDON'S FROLIC. 369 + A Cambridge tale. Vide Peter House. + + + + + ILLUSTRATIONS ON WOOD + + FROM ORIGINAL DESIGNS BY CRUIKSHANK, ROWLANDSON, + GILRAY, AND FINLAY, ENGRAVED BY BONNER AND HUGHES. + + + VIGNETTE ON TITLE PAGE. + Old Father Time borne away on the shoulders of the Genii, + Frolic, Mirth, and Fancy. + + + 1. The Author's Chamber--Index, the bookseller, and Ber- + nard Blackmantle, projecting a new work + + 2. Horatio Heartly reading the "English Spy" to Lady + Mary Oldstyle 17 + + 3. A correct view of Eton College from the playing-fields 32 + + 4. The five principal orders of Eton--Doctor, Dame, + Colleger, Oppidan, and Cad. A Sketch taken opposite the + Long Walk 42 + + 5. The Cloisters, Eton College 58 + + 6. Herbert Stockhore, the Montem Poet Laureate, a Sketch + from the Life as he appeared in the Montem Procession of + May, 1823 59 + + 7. Accurate View of the Interior of Eton College Hall 96 + + 8. Interior of Eton School Room 105 + + 9. The Oxonian reclining, an emblematical design 111 + + 10. Five characteristic orders of Oxford 113 + + 11. Portrait of Mr. B--the classical Alma Mater Coachman + of Oxford 128 + + 12. View of Christchurch College 129 + + 13. A Bachelor of Arts drinking of the Pierian Spring 136 + + 14. View of Bagley Wood with the Gipsy party. An + extraordinary fine specimen of art, by Bonner. 157 + + 15. Mother Goose, a portrait 162 + + 16. Kensington Gardons, Sunday Evening. Portraits of + well-known fashionable eccentricities 164 + + 17. Vignette.--he Subject and the Resurrection Jarvey, + or "Kill him when you want him" 220 + + 18. Albanians starting for a spree, or Tom Tick on the road + to Jericho 233 + + 19. Waiting for bail 240 + + 20. The Don and the fair of St. Clement's. An Oxford + scene 243 + + 21. The University Rake's Progress 273 + + 22. The newly invented Steam Coach 274 + + 23. View of the Pavilion, Brighton, from the London Road 286 + + 24. A Night Scene, or, a rum start near B---- H----l 304 + + 25. The Widow's ultimatum. A cutting joke, with a most + affecting catastrophe 313 + + 26. College Frolics, or catching Urals at Ch. Ch. 325 + + 27. Roues rusticating in Surrey, or, the first glimpse of + Banco Regis 363 + + 28. Term, ends--Adieu to fagging--The High-street, Oxford + --The Togati in a bustle--The merry good bye 370 + + + + +THE ENGLISH SPY. + + Nor rank, nor order, nor condition, + Imperial, lowly, or patrician, + Shall, when they see this volume, cry, + "The satirist has pass'd us by:" + But, with good humour, view our page + Depict the manners of the age. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + "The proper study of mankind is man." + +A RHAPSODY. + +Life's busy scene I sing! Its countenance, and form, and varied hue, +drawn within the compass of the eye. No tedious voyage, or weary +pilgrimage o'er burning deserts, or tempestuous seas, my progress marks, +to trace great nature's sources to the fount, and bare her secrets to +the common view. + + In search of wonders, let the learn'd embark, + From lordly Elgin, to lamented Park, + To find out what I perhaps some river's course, + Or antique fragments of a marble horse; + While I, more humble, local scenes portray, + And paint the men and manners of the day. + +Life's a theatre, man the chief actor, and the source from which the +dramatist must cull his choicest beauties, painting up to nature the +varied scenes which mark the changeful courses of her motley groups. +Here she opes her volume to the view of contemplative minds, and spreads +her treasures forth, decked in all the variegated tints that Flora, +goddess of the flowery mead and silvery dell, with many coloured hue, +besprinkles the luxuriant land. + +Here, reader, will we travel forth, and in our journey make survey of +all that's interesting and instructive. Man's but the creature of a +little hour, the phantom of a transitory life; prone to every ill, +subject to every woe; and oft the more eccentric in his sphere, as rare +abilities may gild his brow, setting form, law, and order at defiance. +His glass a third decayed 'fore reason shines, and ere perfection crowns +maturity, he sinks forgotten in his parent dust. Such then is man, +uncertain as the wind, by nature formed the creature of caprice, and as +Atropos wills, day by day, we number to our loss some mirth-enlivening +soul, whose talents gave a lustre to the scene.-Serious and solemn, +thoughts be hence away! imagination wills that playful satire reign:--by +sportive fancy led, we take the field. + +[Illustration: page004] + +~4~~ + + + + +PREFACE, IN IMITATION OF THE FIRST SATIRE OF PERSIUS. + +DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND HIS FRIEND. + +Author. However dangerous, or however vain, I am resolved. + +Friend. You'll not offend again? + +Author. I will, by Jove! + +Friend. Take my advice, reflect; Who'll buy your sketches 1 + +Author. Many, I expect. + +Friend. I fear but few, unless, Munchausen-like, You've something +strange, that will the public strike: Men with six heads, or monsters +with twelve tails, Who patter flash, for nothing else prevails In this +dull age. + +Author. Then my success is certain; I think you'll say so when I draw +the curtain, And, presto! place before your wond'ring eyes A race +of beings that must 'cite surprise; The strangest compound truth and +contradiction Owe to dame Nature, or the pen of Action; Where wit and +folly, pride and modest worth, Go hand in hand, or jostle at a birth; +Where prince, peer, peasant, politician meet, And beard each other in +the public street; +~6~~ +Where ancient forms, though still admired, Are phantoms that have long +expired; Where science droops 'fore sovereign folly, And arts are sick +with melancholy; Where knaves gain wealth, and honest fellows, By hunger +pinch'd, blow knav'ry's bellows; Where wonder rises upon wonder-- + +Friend. Hold! Or you may leave no wonders to be told. Your book, to +sell, must have a subtle plot--Mark the Great Unknown, wily ***** +****: Print in America, publish at Milan; There's nothing like this +Scotch-Athenian plan, To hoax the cockney lack-brains. + +Author. It shall be: Books, like Madeira, much improve at sea; 'Tis said +it clears them from the mist and smell Of modern Athens, so says sage +Cadell, Whose dismal tales of shipwreck, stress of weather, Sets all +divine _Nonsensia_ mad together; And, when they get the dear-bought +novel home, "They love it for the dangers it has overcome." + +Friend. I like your plan: "art sure there's no offence?" + +Author. None that's intended to wound common-sense. For your uncommon +knaves who rule the town, Your M.P.'s, M.D.'s, R.A.'s and silk gown, +Empirics in all arts, every degree, Just Satire whispers are fair game +for me. + +Friend. The critic host beware! + +Author. Wherefore, I pray? "The cat will mew, the dog will have his +day." Let them bark on! who heeds their currish note Knows not the +world--they howl, for food, by rote. + +[Illustration: page007] + +~7~~ + + + +REFLECTIONS, ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO CAN THINK. + + Reflections of an Author--Weighty Reasons for writing-- + Magister artis ingeniique largitor Venter--Choice of Subject + considered--Advice of Index, the Book-seller--Of the Nature + of Prefaces--How to commence a new Work. + +Author (solus). I must write--my last sovereign has long since been +transferred to the safe keeping of mine hostess, to whom I have +the honor to be obliged. I just caught a glance of her inflexible +countenance this morning in passing the parlour door; and methought +I could perceive the demon aspect of suspicion again spreading his +corrosive murky hue over her furrowed front. The enlivening appearance +of my golden ambassador had for a few days procured me a faint smile of +complacency; but the spell is past, and I shall again be doomed to the +humiliation +~8~~ +of hearing Mrs Martha Bridget's morning lectures on the necessity +of punctuality. Well, she must be quieted, (i.e.) promise crammed, +(satisfied, under existing circumstances, is impossible): I know it +will require no little skill to obtain fresh supplies from her stores, +without the master-key which unlocks the flinty heart; but _nil +desperandum_, he who can brave a formidable army of critics, in pursuit +of the bubble fame, may at least hope to find wit enough to quiet the +interested apprehensions of an old woman. And yet how mortifying is the +very suspicion of inattention and disrespect. I have rung six times for +my breakfast, and as many more for my boots, before either have made +their appearance; the first has indeed just arrived, with a lame apology +from mine hostess, that the gentleman on the first floor is a very +impetuous fellow, requires prompt attention, gives a great deal of +trouble--but--then he pays a great deal of money, and above all, is very +punctual: here is my _quietus_ at once; the last sentence admits of no +reply from a pennyless author. My breakfast table is but the spectre of +former times;--no eggs on each side of my cup, or a plate of fresh Lynn +shrimps, with an inviting salt odour, that would create an appetite in +the stomach of an invalid; a choice bit of dried salmon, or a fresh cut +off the roll of some violet-scented Epping butter;--all have disappeared; +nay, even the usual allowance of cream has degenerated into skimmed +milk, and that is supplied in such cautious quantities, that I can +scarce eke it out to colour my three cups of inspiring bohea. + +(A knock at the door.) That single rap at the street door is very +like the loud determined knock of a dun. The servant is ascending +the stairs--it must be so--she advances upon the second flight;--good +heavens, how stupid!--I particularly told her I should not be in town +to any of these people for a month. The inattention of servants is +unbearable; they can tell fibs +~9~~ +enough to suit their own purposes, but a little white one to serve a +gentleman lodger, to put off an impertinent tradesman, or save him from +the toils of a sheriffs officer, is sure to be marred in the relation, +or altogether forgotten. I'll lock my chamber door, however, by way of +precaution. (Servant knocking.) "What do you want?" "Mr. Index, sir, the +little gentleman in black." "Show him up, Betty, directly." The key +is instantly turned; the door set wide open; and I am again seated in +comfort at my table: the solicitude, fear, and anxiety, attendant upon +the apprehensions of surprise, a bailiff, and a prison, all vanish in a +moment. + +"My dear Index, you are welcome; the last person I expected, although +the first I could have wished to have seen: to what fortunate +circumstance am I to attribute the honor of this friendly visit?" + +"Business, sir; I am a man of business: your last publication has sold +pretty well, considering how dreadfully it was cut up in the reviews; +I have some intention of reprinting a short edition, if you are not too +exorbitant in your demands; not that I think the whole number will be +sold, but there is a chance of clearing the expenses. A portrait by +Wageman, the announcement of a second edition, with additions, may help +it off; but then these additional costs will prevent my rewarding your +merits to the extent I am sensible you deserve." + +"Name your own terms, Index, for after all you know it must come to +that, and I am satisfied you will be as liberal as you can afford." Put +in this way, the most penurious of the speculating tribe in paper and +print would have strained a point, to overcome their natural infirmity: +with Index it was otherwise; nature had formed him with a truly liberal +heart: the practice of the trade, and the necessary caution attendant +upon bookselling speculations, only operated as a check to the +noble-minded generosity of the +~10~~ +man, without implanting in his bosom the avarice and extortion generally +pursued by his brethren. + +The immediate subject of his visit arranged to our mutual satisfaction, +I ventured to inquire what style of work was most likely to interest the +taste of the town. 'The town itself--satire, sir, fashionable satire. +If you mean to grow rich by writing in the present day, you must first +learn to be satirical; use the lash, sir, as all the great men have +done before you, and then, like Canning in the Cabinet, or Gifford +and Jeffery as reviewers, or Byron and Southey as poets, you will be +followed more from the fear of your pen than from the splendour of +your talents, the consistency of your conduct, or the morality of your +principles. Sir, if you can but use the tomahawk skilfully, your fortune +is certain. '_Sic itur ad astra_.' Read Blackwood's Noctea Ambrosiance. +Take the town by surprise, folly by the ears; 'the glory, jest, and +riddle of the world' is man; use your knowledge of this ancient volume +rightly, and you may soon mount the car of fortune, and drive at random +wherever your fancy dictates. Bear in mind the Greek proverb, '_Mega +biblion, mega kakon_.' In your remarks, select such persons who, from +their elevated situations in society, ought to be above reproof, and +whose vices are, therefore, more worthy of public condemnation: + + '------------Ridiculum acri + Fortius ac melius magnas plerumque secat res.' + +By this means you will benefit the state, and improve the morals of +society. The most wholesome truths may be told with pleasantry. Satire, +to be severe, needs not to be scurrilous. The approval of the judicious +will always follow the ridicule which is directed against error, +ignorance, and folly." + +How long little Index might have continued in this strain I know not, if +I had not ventured to suggest +~11~~ +that the course he pointed out was one of great difficulty, and +considerable personal hazard; that to arrive at fortune by such means, +an author must risk the sacrifice of many old connexions, and incur no +inconsiderable dangers; that great caution would be necessary to escape +the fangs of the forensic tribe, and that in voluntarily thrusting his +nose into such a nest of hornets, it would be hardly possible to +escape being severely stung in retaliation. "_Pulchrum est accusari ah +accusandis_," said my friend, the bookseller, "who has suffered more by +the fashionable world than yourself? Have you not dissipated a splendid +patrimony in a series of the most liberal entertainments? Has not your +generous board been graced with the presence of royalty? and the banquet +enriched by the attendant stars of nobility, from the duke to the right +honorable knight commander. And have you not since felt the most cruel +neglect from these your early associates, and much obliged friends, with +no crime but poverty, with no reproach but the want of prudence? Have +you not experienced ingratitude and persecution in every shape that +human baseness could find ingenuity to inflict? And can you hesitate to +avail yourself of the noble revenge in your power, when it combines the +advantages of being morally profitable both to yourself and society? + + '------------Velat materna tempora myrto.' + Virg. + + 'When Vice the shelter of a mask disdain'd, + When Folly triumph'd, and a Nero reign'd, + Petronius rose satiric, yet polite, + And show'd the glaring monster full in sight; + To public mirth exposed the imperial beast, + And made his wanton court the common jest.'" + +With this quotation, delivered with good emphasis, little Index bade +me good morning, and left me impressed with no mean opinion of his +friendship, +~12~~ +and with an increased admiration of his knowledge of the world. + +But how (thought I) am I to profit by his advice? In what shape shall +I commence my eccentric course? A good general at the head of a large +army, on the eve of a general battle, with the enemy full in view, feels +less embarrassment than a young author finds in marshalling his crude +ideas, and placing the raw recruits of the brain in any thing like +respectable order. For the title, that is quite a matter of business, +and depends more upon the bookseller's opinion of what may be thought +attractive than any affinity it may possess to the work itself. +Dedications are, thanks to the economy of fashion, out of date: great +men have long since been laughed into good sense in that particular. A +preface (if there be one) should partake something of the spirit of the +work; for if it be not brief, lively, and humorous, it is ten to one but +your reader falls asleep before he enters upon chapter the first, and +when he wakes, fears to renew his application, lest he should be again +caught napping. Long introductions are like lengthy prayers before meals +to hungry men, they are mumbled over with unintelligible rapidity, or +altogether omitted, for the more solid gratifications of the stomach, or +the enjoyments of the mind. In what fantastic shape and countenance then +shall an author appear to obtain general approbation? or in what costume +is he most likely to insure success? + +If he assumes a fierce and haughty front, his readers are perhaps +offended with his temerity, and the critics enraged at his assurance. +If he affects a modest sneaking posture, and humbly implores their +high mightinesses to grant him one poor sprig of laurel, he is treated +slightingly, and despised, as a pitiful fellow who wants that essential +ingredient in the composition of a man of talent and good breeding, +ycleped by the moderns confidence. If he speaks of +~13~~ +the excellence of his subject, he creates doubts both with his readers +and reviewers, who will use their endeavours to convince him he has not +a correct knowledge of his own abilities. But if, like a well bred +man at court, he enters the drawing-room of literature in good taste, +neither too mean nor too gaudy, too bold or too formal, makes his bow +with the air and finish of a scholar and a gentleman, and passes on to +his place, unheedful of remark (because unconscious of offence), he is +sure to command respect, if he does not excite admiration. + +Accept then, reader, this colloquial chapter, as the author's apology +for a preface, an imaginary short conference, or letter of introduction, +which brings you acquainted with the eccentric writer of this volume; +and as in all well regulated society a person is expected to give some +account of himself before he is placed upon terms of intimacy with +the family, you shall in the next page receive a brief sketch of the +characteristics of the author. + +[Illustration: page013] + +~13~~ + + + +A FEW THOUGHTS ON MYSELF. + +The early biography of a man of genius is seldom, if ever, accurately +given to the public eye, unless, indeed, he is one of those _rara +avis_ who, with the advantages of great qualifications, inherits high +ancestral distinctions. But if, as is generally the case, from obscurity +of birth and humble life he rises into notice by the force and exertion +of his talents, the associates of his brighter fortunes know but little +of the difficulties which have obstructed his progress, or the toils and +fatigues he has endured, to arrive at that enviable point from which the +temple of Fame, and the road to fortune, may be contemplated with some +chance of enjoyment and success. Unwilling to speak of himself, lest he +should incur the charge of vanity or egotism, he modestly trusts to the +partial pen of friendship, or the conjectural pen of the commentator, to +do justice to events which no quill could relate so well as his own, +and which, if impartially and sensibly written, must advance him in the +estimation of society, and convince the world that with the mastery of +the great secret in his power, he was not more capable of appreciating +the characters of the age than familiar with the lights and shadows of +his own. + + "Honour and shame from no condition rise; + Act well your part, there all the honour lies." + +The reader will, no doubt, anticipate that the name of Bernard +Blackmantle is an assumed quaint cognomen, and perhaps be not less +suspicious of the author's right and title to the honorary distinction +annexed: +~14~~ +let him beware how he indulges in such chimeras, before he has fully +entered into the spirit of the volume before him, lest, on perusal, +conviction should compel him to retract the ungracious thought. To be +plain, he is not desirous of any higher honorary distinction than the +good opinion of his readers. And now, sons and daughters of Fashion! +ye cameleon race of giddy elves, who flutter on the margin of the +whirlpool, or float upon the surface of the silvery stream, and, hurried +forwards by the impetus of the current, leave yourselves but little time +for reflection, one glance will convince you that you are addressed by +an old acquaintance, and, heretofore, constant attendant upon all the +gay varieties of life; of this be assured, that, although retired from +the fascinating scene, where gay Delight her portal open throws to +Folly's throng, he is no surly misanthrope, or gloomy seceder, whose +jaundiced mind, or clouded imagination, is a prey to disappointment, +envy, or to care. In retracing the brighter moments of life, the festive +scenes of past times, the never to be forgotten pleasures of his halcyon +days, when youth, and health, and fortune, blest his lot, he has no +tongue for scandal--no pen for malice--no revenge to gratify, but is only +desirous of attempting a true portraiture of men and manners, in the +higher and more polished scenes of life. If, in the journey through +these hitherto unexplored regions of fancy, ought should cross his path +that might give pain to worthy bosoms, he would sooner turn aside than +be compelled to embody the uncandid thought. + + "Unknowing and unknown, the hardy Muse + "Boldly defies all mean and partial views; + "With honest freedom plays the critic's part, + "And praises, as she censures, from the heart." + +And now, having said nearly as much as I think prudent of myself, and +considerably more than my +~17~~ +bookseller usually allows by way of prefatory matter, I shall conclude +this chapter by informing the reader of some facts, with which I ought +to have commenced it, namely--For my parents, it must suffice that my +father was a man of talent, my mother accomplished and esteemed, and, +what is more to their honour, they were affectionate and kind: peace to +their manes! I was very early in life bereft of both; educated at one of +the public schools, I was, in due time, sent to matriculate at Oxford, +where, reader, I propose to commence my Eccentric Tour. + +[Illustration: Page018] + +[Illustration: Page019] + + + + +A SHANDEAN SCENE, + +BETWEEN LADY MARY OLDSTYLE AND HORATIO HEARTLY. + +"I know him well," said Horatio, with a half-suppressed sigh, as he +finished the introductory chapter to the first volume of the English +Spy, or Colloquial Sketches of Men and Manners. "He is no misanthrope," +said my aunt, taking off her spectacles to wipe away the pearly drop +which meek-eyed pity gave to the recollection of scenes long passed. +Horatio paused--the book dropped instinctively upon his knee, as +his raised eye involuntarily caught the benign aspect of virtue and +intelligence, softened by the crystal gems of feeling. "I wish I knew +where he lived," said my aunt. "I'll find him out," said Horatio;-"Do," +said my aunt, "and tell him an old friend of his father's, on whom +fortune has deigned to smile in the winter of her days, would feign +extend to him as much of worldly happiness as can be derived from the +enjoyment of worldly treasure." +~18~~ +By that sort of magical attraction which imperceptibly links together +the souls of kindred spirits, Horatio's chair had made an angular +movement, of at least six degrees, in a direction nearer to his +venerable relation: no lover ever pressed with more fervency of +affection the yielding hand of his soul's deity, than did the grateful +nephew, at this moment, clasp within his eager grasp the aged palm of +bounteous charity. "I wish he may accept your kind offer," said Horatio. +"And why should he not?" said my aunt, with a half inclination of +extricating her hand, and a penetrating glance of doubt, directed full +in the face of the speaker: "I know not," said Horatio, (hesitating, as +if fearful of giving offence), "but,"-"But what?" said my aunt;-"But I +fear his natural love of independence, and eccentricity of mind, will +admit of no constraint, which his high sense of honor will anticipate +must be partially the case whenever he submits himself to accept the +favors of even such generous hearts as yours." "He would feel no +such thing," said my aunt. "He could not resist the impression," said +Horatio; "your liberality would, I know, be calculated to dispossess +him of the painful sensation; but if the inherent pride of the man could +be subdued, or calmed into acquiescence, by breathing the enchanting +air of friendship, the weight of gratitude, the secret monitor of +fine-wrought minds, would overpower his tongue, and leave him, in his +own estimation, a pauper of the poorest class." "Then I'll adopt another +mode," said my aunt; "and though I hate the affectation of secret +charities, because I think the donor of a generous action is well +entitled to his reward, both here and hereafter,--I'll hand out some way, +anonymously or otherwise, to indulge my humour of serving him." "You +are an angel!" said Horatio, with his eyes fixed on the ground--(the +spirit of the angel of benevolence,--quoth Reason, whispering in his +ear, would have been +~19~~ +a better metaphor,--certainly inhabits the aged bosom of your father's +sister). Horatio's upraised eye rested on the wrinkled front of his +antique relative, just as the corrective thought gleamed in visionary +brightness o'er his brain; the poetic inspiration of the moment fled +like the passing meteor, but the feeling which excited it remained +engrafted on his memory for ever. "How shall we find him out, my dear +Horatio?" said my aunt, her whole countenance animated with delight +at the last flattering ejaculation of her nephew-"where shall we +seek him?--I'll order the carriage directly." The glow of pleasure +and anticipatory gratification, which at this moment beamed in the +countenance of the old lady, brought back the circling current of health +to the cheeks of age, and, with the blush of honest feeling, dispelled +the stains of time; the furrowed streaks of care vanished from her +front, and left her whole frame proportionably invigorated. + +If the mere contemplation of a generous action can thus inspire the +young, and give new life to age, what a load of misery and deformity +might not the sons and daughters of nature divest themselves of, by +following the inherent dictates of benevolence! Reflection, whenever he +deigned to penetrate the pericranium of my cousin Horatio, took entire +possession of the citadel, and left him not even the smallest loophole +for the observation of any passing event. He was just fixed in one +of these abstracted reveries of the mind, traversing over the halcyon +scenes of his collegiate days, and re-associating himself with his early +friend, the author of the eccentric volume then in his hand, when the +above monition sprung from his heart, like the crystal stream that +sparkles in the air, when first it bursts through the mineral bondage of +the womb of nature. + +"You are right," said my aunt. Horatio started with surprise, almost +unconscious of her presence, or +~20~~ +what he had said to deserve her approbation. "True happiness," she +continued, "is the offspring of generosity and virtue, and never +inhabits a bosom where worldly interest and selfish principles are +allowed to predominate. There are many who possess all the requisites +for the enjoyment of true happiness, who, from the prejudices of +education, or the mistaken pride of ancestry, have never experienced the +celestial rapture: they have never been amalgamated with society, are +strangers to poverty themselves, and cannot comprehend its operation +upon others; born and moving in a sphere where the chilling blasts of +indigence never penetrate, or the clouds of adversity appal, they have +no conception of the more delightful gratification which springs +from the source of all earthly happiness, the pleasure and ability of +administering to the wants and comforts of our fellow creatures." + +"Yours is the true philosophy of nature, aunt," said Horatio, "where +principle and practice may be seen, arm in arm, like the twin sisters, +Charity and Virtue,--a pair of antique curiosities much sought after, +but rarely found amid the assemblage of _virtu_ in the collections of +your modern people of fashion." + +"I'll alter my will to-morrow morning," thought my aunt; "this boy +deserves to be as rich in acres as he already is in benevolence: he +shall have the Leicestershire estate added to what I have already +bequeathed him, by way of codicil." + +"You would be delighted with my friend Bernard, aunt," said Horatio, +"that is, when he is in good spirits; but you must not judge of him by +the common standard of estimation: if, on the first introduction, +he should happen to be in one of those lively humours when his whole +countenance is lighted up with the brilliancy of genius, you would be +enraptured by the sallies of his wit, and the solidity of his reasoning; +but if, on the contrary, he should unfortunately +~21~~ +be in one of those abstracted moods when all terrestrial objects are +equally indifferent, you will, I fear, form no very favourable opinion +of his merit. He is an eccentric in every respect, and must not be +judged of by the acquaintance of an hour. We were boys together at +Eton, and the associations of youth ripened with maturity into the +most sincere friendly attachment, which was materially assisted by the +similarity of our dispositions and pursuits, during our residence at +college. Your kind notice of my poor friend, aunt, has revived the +fondest recollections of my life--the joyous scenes of infancy, when the +young heart, free from the trammels of the world, and buoyant as the +bird of spring, wings along the flowery path of pleasure, plucking at +will the sweets of nature, and decking his infant brow with wreaths of +fresh gathered wild flowers." Horatio paused, not for want of subject, +but a train of recollections overpowered his memory, producing an +unspeakable sensation, which for a moment choked his utterance. + +"There is a blank in this work, which you shall fill up," said my aunt; +"you must perform the office of an impartial historian for your friend, +and before we proceed farther with this volume, give me the history of +your school-boy days." + +[Illustration: Page021] + +~22~~ + + + +SCHOOL-BOY REMINISCENCES. + + ON EARLY FRIENDSHIP. + + In many a strain of grief and joy + My youthful spirit sung to thee; + But I am now no more a boy, + And there's a gulf 'twixt thee and me. + Time on my brow has set his seal; + I start to find myself a man, + And know that I no more shall feel + As only boyhood's spirit can. + + + + +ETONIAN. + +There is an imperceptible but powerfully connecting link in our early +associations and school-boy friendships, which is very difficult to +describe, but exceedingly grateful to reflect on; particularly when +the retrospective affords a view of early attachments ripened into +perfection with maturity, and cementing firmly with increasing years. +Youth is the period of frankness and of zeal, when the young heart, +buoyant with hope and cheering prospects, fills with joy, and expands +in all the brightness of fancy's variety. The ambition, lures, and +conflicting interests of the world, have as yet made no inroad upon the +mind; the bosom is a stranger to misery, the tongue to deceit, the eye +glows with all the luxuriance of pleasure, and the whole countenance +presents an animated picture of health and intelligence illumined with +delight. The playfulness or incaution of youth may demand correction, or +produce momentary pain; but the tears of +~23~~ +infancy fall like the summer dew upon the verdant slope, which the first +gleam of the returning sun kisses away, and leaves the face of nature +tinged with a blush of exquisite brilliancy, but with no trace of +the sparkling moisture which lately veiled its beauty. This is the +glittering period of life, when the gay perspective of the future seems +clothed in every attractive hue, and the objects of this world assume a +grace divine: then it is that happiness, borne on the wings of innocence +and light-hearted mirth, attends our every step, and seems to wait +obedient to our will. + +What a painful reverse may not the retrospective view afford! how unlike +is the finished picture to the inspiring sketch. The one breathing the +soft air of nature, and sparkling in brilliant tints of variegated +hues, serene, clear, and transparent, like the magic pencilling of +the heavenly Claude, shedding ambrosial sweets around. The reverse +indistinct, and overpowered with gloomy shadows, a mixture of the +terrific and the marvellous, like the stormy and convulsive scenes +of the mighty genius of Salvator Rosa, with here and there a flash of +wildest eccentricity, that only serves to render more visible the murky +deformity of the whole. + +Horatio had just finished his introductory rhapsody, when the door +opened, and my aunt's servant entered with tea and toast: the simmering +of the water round the heated tube of the urn, tingling in the ears of +Heartly, broke the thread of his narration. There was a pause of nearly +a minute, while John was busy in arranging the equipage. "You should +have waited till I had rung, John," said my aunt. "Please your +ladyship," said John, "you directed me always to bring tea in at six +precisely, without waiting for orders." My aunt looked puzzled: "You +are right, John, I did; and (addressing Horatio) the fault of the +interruption must therefore rest with me." Horatio bowed; the compliment +was too flattering to be +~24~~ +misunderstood. "Draw the curtains, John," said my aunt, "and make up the +fire: we can help ourselves to what we want--you need not wait; and +do not interrupt us again until you are rung for." "This is very +mysterious," thought John, as he closed to the drawing-room door; and +he related what he thought to my lady's maid, when he returned to the +servants' hall. "You are, no conjurer, John," said Mrs. Margaret, with +an oblique inclination of the head, half amorous and half conceited--"the +old lady's will has been signed and sealed these three years; I was +present when it was made--ay, and I signed it too, and what's more, I +knows all its contents; there are some people in the world (viewing +herself in an opposite looking-glass) who may be very differently +circumstanced some day or other." John's heart had long felt a sort of +fluttering inclination to unburthen itself, by linking destinies with +the merry Mrs. Margaret; the prospect of a handsome legacy, or perhaps +an annuity, gave an additional spur to John's affectionate feelings, and +that night he resolved to put the question. All this Mrs. Margaret +had anticipated, and as she was now on the verge of forty, she very +prudently thought there was no time to lose. "They are a pair of +oddities," continued the waiting-maid; "I have sometimes surprised them +both crying, as if their hearts would break, over a new book: I suppose +they have got something very interesting, as my lady calls it and Mr. +Horatio is sermonizing as usual."--Mrs Margaret was not far wrong in her +conjecture, for when my aunt and Horatio were again alone, she rallied +him on the serious complexion of his style. + +[Illustration: page025] + +~25~~ + + + +CHARACTER OF BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. + +BY HORATIO HEARTLY. + +You shall have it from his own pen, said Horatio. In my portfolio, I +have preserved certain scraps of Bernard's that will best speak his +character; prose and poetry, descriptive and colloquial, Hudibrastic and +pastoral, trifles in every costume of literary fancy, according with the +peculiar humour of the author at the time of their inditing, from these +you shall judge my eccentric friend better than by any commendation of +mine. I shall merely preface these early offerings of his genius with a +simple narrative of our school-boy intimacy. + +I had been about three months at Eton, and had grown somewhat familiar +with the characters of my associates, and the peculiarities of their +phraseology and pursuits, when our dame's party was increased by the +arrival of Bernard Blackmantle. It is usual with the sons of old Etona, +on the arrival of a fresh subject, to play off a number of school-boy +witticisms and practical jokes, which though they may produce a little +mortification in the first instance, tend in no small degree to display +the qualifications of mind possessed by their new associate, and give +him a familiarity with his companions and their customs, which +otherwise would take more time, and subject the stranger to much greater +inconvenience. Bernard underwent all the initiatory school ceremonies +and +~26~~ +humiliations with great coolness, but not without some display of that +personal courage and true nobleness of mind, which advances the new +comer in the estimation of his school-fellows. First impressions are +almost always indelible: there was a frankness and sincerity in +his manner, and an archness and vivacity in his countenance and +conversation, that imperceptibly attached me to the young stranger. We +were soon the most inseparable cons,{1} the depositors of each other's +youthful secrets, and the mutual participators in every passing sport +and pleasure. + +Naturally cheerful, Bernard became highly popular with our miniature +world; there was however one subject which, whenever it was incautiously +started by his companions, always excited a flood of tears, and for a +time spread a gloomy abstraction over his mind. Bernard had from his +very infancy been launched into the ocean of life without a knowledge of +his admiral{2} but not without experiencing all that a mother's fondness +could supply: when others recapitulated the enjoyments of their paternal +home, and painted with all the glow of youthful ardour the anticipated +pleasures of the holidays, the tear would trickle down his crimsoned +cheek; and quickly stealing away to some sequestered spot, his throbbing +bosom was relieved by many a flood of woe. That some protecting spirit +watched over his actions, and directed his course, he was well assured, +but as yet he had never been able to comprehend the mystery with which +he was surrounded. His questions on this point to his mother it was +evident gave her pain, and were always met by some evasive answer. He +had been early taught to keep his own secret, but the prying curiosity +of an Eton school-boy was not easily satisfied, and too often rendered +the task one of great pain and difficulty. On these occasions I would +seek + + 1 Friends. + + 2 The Eton phrase for father. + +~27~~ +him out, and as the subject was one of too tender a nature for the +tongue of friendship to dwell upon, endeavour to divert his thoughts by +engaging him in some enlivening sport. His amiable manners and generous +heart had endeared him to all, and in a short time his delicate feelings +were respected, and the slightest allusion to ambiguity of birth +cautiously avoided by all his associates, who, whatever might be their +suspicions, thought his brilliant qualifications more than compensated +for any want of ancestral distinction. + +The following portrait of my friend is from the pen of our elegant con, +Horace Eglantine. + + A PORTRAIT. + + A heart fill'd with friendship and love, + A brain free from passion's excess, + A mind a mean action above, + A hand to relieve keen distress. + Poverty smiled on his birth, + And gave what all riches exceeds, + Wit, honesty, wisdom, and worth; + A soul to effect noble needs. + Legitimates bow at his shrine; + Unfetter'd he sprung into life; + When vigour with love doth combine + To free nature from priestcraft and strife. + No ancient escutcheon he claim'd, + Crimson'd with rapine and blood; + He titles and baubles disdain'd, + Yet his pedigree traced from the flood. + Ennobled by all that is bright + In the wreath of terrestrial fame, + Genius her pure ray of light + Spreads a halo to circle his name. + + +The main-spring of all his actions was a social disposition, which +embraced a most comprehensive view +~28~~ +of the duties of good fellowship. He was equally popular with all +parties, by never declaring for any particular one: with the cricketers +he was accounted a hard swipe{3} an active field{4} and a stout +bowler;{5} in a water party he was a stroke{6} of the ten oar; at +foot-ball, in the playing fields, or a leap across Chalvey ditch, he was +not thought small beer{7} of; and he has been known to have bagged three +sparrows after a toodle{8} of three miles. His equals loved him for his +social qualities, and courted his acquaintance as the _sine qua non_ +of society; and the younger members of the school looked up to him +for protection and assistance. If power was abused by the upper boys, +Bernard was appealed to as the mediator between the fag{9} and +his master. His grants of liberties{10} to the commonalty were +indiscriminate and profuse, while his influence was always exerted to +obtain the same privileges for his numerous proteges from the more +close aristocrats.{11} He was always to be seen attended by a shoal +of dependents of every form in the school, some to get their lessons +construed, and others to further claims to their respective stations in + + 3 A good bat-man. + + 4 To run well, or keep a good look out. + + 5 Strong and expert. + + 6 A first rate waterman. + + 7 Not thought meanly of. Sometimes this phrase is used in + derision, as, he does not think small beer of himself. + + 8 A walk. + + 9 Any sixth or fifth form boy can fag an Oppidan underling: + the collegers are exempted from this custom. + + 10 The liberties, or college bounds, are marked by stones + placed in different situations; grants of liberties are + licences given by the head boys to the juniors to break + bounds, or rather to except them from the disagreeable + necessity of shirking, (i. e.) hiding from fear of being + reported to the masters. + + 11 To that interesting original miscellany, the 'Etonian,' I + am indebted for several valuable hints relative to early + scenes. The characters are all drawn from observation, with + here and there a slight deviation, or heightening touch, the + rather to disguise and free them from aught of personal + offence, than any intentional departure from truth and + nature. + +~29~~ +the next cricket match or water expedition. The duck and green pea +suppers at Surley Hall would have lost half their relish without the +enlivening smiles and smart repartees of Bernard Blackmantle. The +preparations for the glorious fourth of June were always submitted to +his superior skill and direction. His fiat could decide the claims of +the rival boats, in their choice of jackets, hats, and favors; and the +judicious arrangement of the fire-works was another proof of his taste. +Let it not, however, be thought that his other avocations so entirely +monopolized him as to preclude a due attention to study. Had it been so, +his success with the [Greek phrase] would never have been so complete: +his desire to be able to confer obligations on his schoolfellows induced +Bernard to husband carefully every hour which he spent at home; a decent +scholarship, and much general knowledge, was the reward of this plan. +The treasure-house of his memory was well stored, and his reputation as +an orator gave promise of future excellence. His classical attainments, +if not florid, were liberal, and free from pedantry. His proficiency +in English literature was universally acknowledged, and his love of +the poets amounted to enthusiasm. He was formed for all the bustle +of variegated life, and his conversation was crystallized with the +sparkling attractions of wit and humour. Subject to the weakness to +which genius is ever liable, he was both eccentric and wayward, but he +had the good sense to guard his failing from general observation; and +although he often shot his arrows anonymously, he never dipt them in the +gall of prejudice or ill-nature. I have dwelt upon his character with +pleasure, because there are very few who know him intimately. With a +happy versatility of talents, he is neither lonesome in his solitude, +nor over joyous in a crowd. For his literary attainments, they must be +judged of by their fruits. I cannot better conclude my attempt +~30~~ +to describe his qualifications than by offering his first essay to your +notice, a school-boy tribute to friendship. + + TRUE FRIENDSHIP. + + 'Infido scurrae distabit amicus.' + Horace. + + How very seldom do we find + A relish in the human mind + For friendship pure and real; + How few its approbation seek, + How oft we count its censures weak, + Disguising what we feel. + Adulation lives to please, + Truth dies the victim of disease, + Forgotten by the world: + The flattery of the fool delights + The wise, rebuke our pride affrights, + And virtue's banner's furl'd. + Wherefore do we censure fate, + When she withholds the perfect state + Of friendship from our grasp, + If we ourselves have not the power, + The mind to enjoy the blessed hour, + The fleeting treasure clasp? + +This (I have reason to believe his first poetical essay) was presented +me on my birthday, when we had been about two years together at Eton: +a short time afterwards I surprised him one morning writing in his +bedroom; my curiosity was not a little excited by the celerity with +which I observed he endeavoured to conceal his papers. "I must see what +you are about, Bernard," said I. "Treason, Horatio," replied the young +author. "Would you wish to be implicated, or become a confederate? If +so, take the oath of secrecy, and read." Judge of my surprise, when, on +casting my eye over his lucubrations, I perceived he had been sketching +the portraits of the group, with +~31~~ +whom we were in daily association at our dame's. As I perceive by a +glance at his work that most of his early friends have parts assigned +them in his colloquial scenes, I consider the preservation of this +trifle important, as it will furnish a key to the characters. + +[Illustration: page032] + +~32~~ + + + +ETON SKETCHES OF CHARACTER. + + '----I'll paint for grown up people's knowledge, + The manners, customs, and affairs of college.' + + + + +PORTRAITS IN MY DAME'S DINING-ROOM. + +At the head of the large table on the right hand you will perceive the +Honourable Lilyman Lionise, the second son of a nobleman, whose ancient +patrimony has been nearly dissipated between his evening parties at +the club-houses, in French hazard, or Rouge et noir, and his morning +speculations with his betting book at Tattersall's, Newmarket, or the +Fives-court; whose industry in getting into debt is only exceeded by +his indifference about getting out; whose acquired property (during his +minority) and personals have long since been knocked down by the hammer +of the auctioneer, under direction of the sheriff, to pay off some +gambling bond in preference to his honest creditor; yet who still +flourishes a fashionable gem of the first water, and condescends to lend +the lustre of +~33~~ +his name, when he has nothing else to lend, that he may secure the +advantage of a real loan in return. His patrimonial acres and heirlooms +remain indeed untouched, because the court of chancery have deemed it +necessary to appoint a receiver to secure their faithful transmission to +the next heir. + +The son has imbibed a smattering of all the bad qualities of his sire, +without possessing one ray of the brilliant qualifications for which he +is distinguished. Proud without property, and sarcastic without being +witty, ill temper he mistakes for superior carriage, and haughtiness +for dignity: his study is his toilet, and his mind, like his face, is +a vacuity neither sensible, intelligent, nor agreeable. He has few +associates, for few will accept him for a companion. With his superiors +in rank, his precedent honorary distinction yields him no consideration; +with his equals, it places him upon too familiar a footing; while with +his inferiors, it renders him tyrannical and unbearable. His mornings, +between school hours, are spent in frequent change of dress, and his +afternoons in a lounge a la Bond-street, annoying the modest females and +tradesmen's daughters of Eton; his evenings (after absence{1} is called) +at home, in solitary dissipation over his box of liqueurs, or in making +others uncomfortable by his rudeness and overbearing dictation. He +is disliked by the dame, detested by the servants, and shunned by his +schoolfellows, and yet he is our captain, a _Sextile, a Roue_, and above +all, an honourable. + +Tom Echo. A little to the left of the Exquisite, you may perceive Tom's +merry countenance shedding good-humour around him. He is the only one who +can + + 1 _Absence_ is called several times in the course of the + day, to prevent the boys straying away to any great distance + from the college, and at night to secure them in quarters at + the dames' houses: if a boy neglects to answer to his name, + or is too late for the call, inquiry is immediately made at + his dame's, and a very satisfactory apology must be offered + to prevent punishment. + +manage the _Sextile_ with effect: Tom is always ready with a tart reply +to his sarcasm, or a _cut_ at his consequence. Tom is the eldest son +of one of the most respectable whig families in the kingdom, whose +ancestors have frequently refused a peerage, from an inherent +democratical but constitutional jealousy of the crown. Independence +and Tom were nursery friends, and his generous, noble-hearted conduct +renders him an universal favorite with the school. Then, after holidays, +Tom always returns with such a rich collection of fox-hunting stories +and sporting anecdotes, and gives sock{2} so graciously, that he is the +very life of dame ------'s party. There is to be sure one drawback to +Tom's good qualities, but it is the natural attendant upon a high flow +of animal spirits: if any mischief is on foot, Tom is certain to be +concerned, and ten to one but he is the chief contriver: to be seen in +his company, either a short time previous to, or quickly afterwards, +although perfectly innocent, is sure to create a suspicion of guilt with +the masters, which not unusually involves his companions in trouble, +and sometimes in unmerited punishment. Tom's philosophy is to live well, +study little, drink hard, and laugh immoderately. He is not deficient in +sense, but he wants application and excitement: he has been taught from +infancy to feel himself perfectly independent of the world, and at +home every where: nature has implanted in his bosom the characteristic +benevolence of his ancestry, and he stands among us a being whom +every one loves and admires, without any very distinguishing trait of +learning, wit, or superior qualification, to command the respect he +excites. If any one tells a good story or makes a laughable pun, Tom +retails it for a week, and all the school have the advantage of hearing +and enjoying it. Any proposition for a boat party, cricketing, or a +toodle into Windsor, or along the banks of the Thames + + 2 Good cheer; any nicety, as pastry, &c. + +~35~~ +on a sporting excursion, is sure to meet a willing response from him. He +is second to none in a charitable subscription for a poor _Cad_, or the +widow of a drowned _Bargee_; his heart ever reverberates the echo of +pleasure, and his tongue only falters to the echo of deceit. + +Horace Eglantine is placed just opposite to Lily man Lionise, a +calm-looking head, with blue eyes and brown hair, which flows in +ringlets of curls over his shoulders. Horace is the son of a city +banker, by the second daughter of an English earl, a young gentleman of +considerable expectations, and very amusing qualifications. Horace is +a strange composition of all the good-natured whimsicalities of +human nature, happily blended together without any very conspicuous +counteracting foible. Facetious, lively, and poetical, the cream of +every thing that is agreeable, society cannot be dull if Horace lends +his presence. His imitations of Anacreon, and the soft bard of Erin, +have on many occasions puzzled the cognoscenti of Eton. Like Moore +too, he both composes and performs his own songs. The following little +specimen of his powers will record one of those pleasant impositions +with which he sometimes enlivens a winter's evening: + + TO ELIZA. + + Oh think not the smile and the glow of delight, + With youth's rosy hue, shall for ever be seen: + + Frosty age will o'ercloud, with his mantle of night, + The brightest and fairest of nature's gay scene. + + Or think while you trip, like some aerial sprite, + To pleasure's soft notes on the dew-spangled mead, + + That the rose of thy cheek, or thine eyes' starry light, + Shall sink into earth, and thy spirit be freed. + + Then round the gay circle we'll frolic awhile, + And the light of young love shall the fleet hour bless + + While the pure rays of friendship our eve-tide beguile, + Above fortune's frowns and the chills of distress + +~36~~ +The most provoking punster and poet that ever turned the serious and +sentimental into broad humour. Every quaint remark affords a pun or an +epigram, and every serious sentence gives birth to some merry couplet. +Such is the facility with which he strings together puns and rhyme, +that in the course of half an hour he has been known to wager, and win +it--that he made a couplet and a pun on every one present, to the +number of fifty. Nothing annoys the exquisite _Sextile_ so much as +this tormenting talent of Horace; he is always shirking him, and yet +continually falling in his way. For some time, while Horace was in the +fourth form, these little _jeu-d'esprits_ were circulated privately, and +smuggled up in half suppressed laughs; but being now high on the fifth, +Horace is no longer in fear of _fagging_, and therefore gives free +license to his tongue in many a witty jest, which "sets the table in a +roar." + +Dick Gradus. In a snug corner, at a side table, observe that +shrewd-looking little fellow poring over his book; his features seem +represented by acute angles, and his head, which appears too heavy for +his body, represents all the thoughtfulness of age, like an ancient +fragment of Phidias or Praxiteles placed upon new shoulders by some +modern bust carver. Dick is the son of an eminent solicitor in a borough +town, who has raised himself into wealth and consequence by a strict +attention to the principles of interest: sharp practice, heavy +mortgages, loans on annuity, and post obits, have strengthened his list +of possessions till his influence is extended over half the county. The +proprietor of the borough, a good humoured sporting extravagant, has +been compelled to yield his influence in St. Stephen's to old Gradus, +that he may preserve his character at Newmarket, and continue his pack +and fox-hunting festivities at home. The representation of the place is +now disposed of to the best bidder, but the ambition of the father has +long since determined upon sending his son (when of age) +~37~~ +into parliament--a promising candidate for the "loaves and fishes." +Richard Gradus, M.P.--you may almost perceive the senatorial honor +stamped upon the brow of the young aspirant; he has been early initiated +into the value of time and money; his lessons of thrift have been +practically illustrated by watching the operations of the law in his +father's office; his application to learning is not the result of an +innate love of literature, or the ambition of excelling his compeers, +but a cold, stiff, and formal desire to collect together materials +for the storehouse of his memory, that will enable him to pursue his +interested views and future operations on society with every prospect +of success. Genius has no participation in his studies: his knowledge +of Greek and Latin is grammatical and pedantic; he reads Livy, Tacitus, +Sallust, Caesar, Xenophon, Thucydides, in their original language; +boasts of his learning with a haughty mien and scornful look of +self-importance, and thinks this school-boy exercise of memory, this +mechanism of the mind, is to determine the line between genius and +stupidity; and has never taken into consideration that the mere +linguist, destitute of native powers, with his absurd parade of +scholastic knowledge, is a solitary barren plant, when opposed to the +higher occupations of the mind, to the flights of fancy, the daring +combinations of genius, and the sublime pictures of imagination. Dick +is an isolated being, a book-worm, who never embarks in any party +of pleasure, from the fear of expense; he has no talents for general +conversation, while his ridiculous affectation of learning subjects +him to a constant and annoying fire from the batteries of Etonian wit. +Still, however, Dick perseveres in his course, till his blanched cheeks +and cadaverous aspect, from close study and want of proper exercise, +proclaim the loss of health, and the probable establishment of some +pulmonary affection that may, before he scarcely reaches maturity, +blight the ambitious hopes of his father, and consign +~38~~ +the son "to that bourne from whence no traveller returns." + +Horatio Heartly. At the lower end of the room, observe a serene-looking +head displaying all the quiet character of a youthful portrait by the +divine Raphael, joined to the inspiring sensibility which flashes from +the almost breathing countenance and penetrating brilliancy of eye, that +distinguishes a Guido. That is my bosom friend, my more than brother, my +mentor and my guide. Horatio is an orphan, the son of a general officer, +whose crimsoned stream of life was dried up by an eastern sun, while +he was yet a lisping infant. His mother, lovely, young, and rich in +conjugal attachment, fell a blighted corse in early widowhood, and left +Horatio, an unprotected bud of virtuous love, to the fostering care of +Lady Mary Oldstyle, a widowed sister of the general's, not less rich in +worldly wealth than in true benevolence of heart, and the celestial +glow of pure affection. Heartly is a happy combination of all the +good-humoured particles of human nature blended together, with sense, +feeling, and judgment. Learned without affectation, and liberal without +being profuse, he has found out the secret of attaching all the school +to himself, without exciting any sensation of envy, or supplanting +prior friendships. Horatio is among the alumni of Eton the king of good +fellows: there is not a boy in the school, colleger, or oppidan, but +what would fight a long hour to defend him from insult; no--nor a +sparkling eye among the enchanting daughters of old _Etona_ that does +not twinkle with pleasure at the elegant congee, and amiable attentions, +which he always pays at the shrine of female accomplishment. Generous to +a fault, his purse--which the bounty of his aunt keeps well supplied--is +a public bank, _pro bono publico_. His parties to _sock_ are always +distinguished by an excellent selection, good taste, and superior +style. In all the varied school sports and pastimes, his manly form and +vigorous constitution gain him a superior +~39~~ +station among his compeers, which his cheerful disposition enables him +to turn to general advantage. Nor is he in less estimation with the +masters, who are loud in their praises of his assiduity and proficiency +in school pursuits. Horatio is not exactly a genius: there is nothing +of that wild eccentricity of thought and action which betokens the vivid +flights of imagination, or the meteoric brightness of inspiration; his +actions are distinguished by coolness, intrepidity, and good sense. He +does not pretend to second sight, or a knowledge of futurity; but on the +present and the past there are few who can reason with more cogency +of remark, or with more classic elegance of diction: with such a +concentration of qualities, it is not wonderful that his influence +extends through every gradation of the juvenile band. His particular +attachments are not numerous; but those who have experienced the +sincerity of his private friendship must always remain his debtor--from +deficiency of expression; among the most obliged of whom is--the author. + +Bob Transit. Bob has no fixed situation; therefore it would be in vain +to attempt to say where he may be found: sometimes he is placed next to +Bernard, and between him and Heartly, with whom he generally associates; +at other times he takes his situation at the side table, or fills up a +spare corner opposite to Dick Gradus, or the exquisite, either of whom +he annoys, during dinner, by sketching their portraits in caricature +upon the cover of his Latin Grammar, with their mouths crammed full of +victuals, or in the act of swallowing hot pudding: nor does the dame +sometimes escape him; the whole table have frequently been convulsed +with laughter at Bob's comic representation of Miss --------'s devout +phiz, as exhibited during the preparatory ceremony of a dinner grace: +the soul of whim, and source of fun and frolic, Bob is no mean auxiliary +to a merry party, or the exhilarating pleasure of a broad grin. +~40~~ +Bob's _admiral_ is an R.A. of very high repute; who, having surmounted +all the difficulties of obscure origin and limited education, by the +brilliancy of his talents, has determined to give his son the advantage +of early instruction and liberal information, as a prelude to his +advancement in the arts. Talent is not often hereditary (or at least in +succession); but the facility of Transit's pencil is astonishing: with +the rapidity of a Fuseli he sketches the human figure in all its various +attitudes, and produces in his hasty drawings so much force of effect +and truth of character, that the subject can never be mistaken. His +humour is irresistible, and is strongly characterized by all the +eccentricity and wit of a Gilhay, turning the most trifling incidents +into laughable burlesque. Between him and Horace Eglantine there exists +a sort of copartnership in the sister arts of poetry and painting: +Horace rhymes, and Bob illustrates; and very few in the school of any +note have at one time or other escaped this combination of epigram +and caricature. Bob has an eye to real life, and is formed for all the +bustle of the varied scene. Facetious, witty, and quaint, with all +the singularity of genius in his composition, these juvenile _jeux +d'esprits_ of his pencil may be regarded as the rays of promise, which +streak with golden tints the blushing horizon of the morn of youth. + +As Bob is not over studious, or attached to the Latin and Greek +languages, he generally manages to get any difficult lesson construed by +an agreement with some more learned and assiduous associate; the _quid +pro quo_ on these occasions being always punctually paid on his part by +a humorous sketch of the head master calling first absence, taken from +a snug, oblique view in the school-yard, or a burlesque on some of the +fellows or inhabitants of Eton. In this way Bob contrives to pass +school muster, although these specimens of talent have, on more than one +occasion, brought him to the block. It must however +~41~~ +be admitted, that in all these flights of fancy his pencil is never +disgraced by any malignancy of motive, or the slightest exhibition of +personal spleen. Good humour is his motto; pleasure his pursuit: and if +he should not prove a Porson or an Elmsley, he gives every promise of +being equally eminent with a Bunbury, Gillray, or a Rowlandson. + +Varied groups are disposed around the room, and make up the back ground +of my picture. Many of these are yet too young to particularize, and +others have nothing sufficiently characteristic to deserve it; some who +have not yet committed their first fault, and many who are continually +in error; others who pursue the straight beaten track to scholastic +knowledge, and trudge on like learned dromedaries. Two or three there +are who follow in no sphere-eccentric stars, shooting from space to +space; some few mischievous wags, who delight in a good joke, and will +run the risk of punishment at any time to enjoy it; with here and there +a little twinkling gem, like twilight planets, just emerging from the +misty veil of nature. + +These form my dame's dinner party. Reader, do not judge them harshly +from this hasty sketch: take into your consideration their youth and +inexperience; and if they do not improve upon acquaintance, and increase +in estimation with their years, the fault must in justice rather be +attributed to the author than to any deficiency in their respective +merits. + +[Illustration: page 041] + +~42~~ + + + +THE FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF ETON, DOCTOR, DAME, COLLEGER, OPPIDAN, AND +CAD. A SKETCH TAKEN OPPOSITE THE LONG WALK. + +[Illustration: page042] + +[Illustration: page043] + + ETON DAMES*; AN ODE, NEITHER AMATORY, + ILL-NATURED, NOR PATHETIC. + + Let Oxford beaux, to am'rous belles, + Love's warm epistles write; + Or Cambridge youths, in classic dells, + Invoke the shadowy night. + + * The above _jeu-d'esprit_ made its appearance on one of + those joyous occasions, when the sons of old Etona return + from Oxford and Cambridge, filled with filial regard for + early scenes and school-boy friendships, to commemorate a + college election. It was, at the time, purposely attributed + to some of these waggish visitors, a sort of privileged + race, who never fail of indulging in numerous good-humoured + freaks with the inhabitants of Eton, to show off to the + rising generation the pleasantries, whims, and improvements + of a college life. The subject is one of great delicacy, but + it will, I hope, be admitted by the merry dames themselves, + that my friend Bernard has in this, as in every other + instance, endeavoured to preserve the strongest traits of + truth and character, without indulging in offensive satire, + or departing from propriety and decorum.--Horatio Heartly. +~44~~ + + Let Cockney poets boast their flames, + Of ' Vicked Cupit' patter: + Be mine a verse on Eton Dames-- + A more substantial matter. + I care not if the Graces three + Have here withheld perfection: + Brown, black, or fair, the same to me,-- + E'en age is no objection. + A pleasing squint, or but one eye, + Will do as well as any; + A mouth between a laugh and cry, + Or wrinkled, as my granny. + A hobbling gait, or a wooden leg, + Or locks of silvery gray; + Or name her Madge, or Poll, or Peg, + She still shall have my lay. + Perfection centres in the mind, + The gen'rous must acknowledge: + Then, Muse, be candid, just, and kind, + To Dames of Eton College.* + + * The independent students, commonly called _Oppidans_, are + very numerous: they are boarded at private houses in the + environs of the college; the presiding masters and + mistresses of which have from time immemorial enjoyed the + title of _Domine_ and _Dame_: the average number of + _Oppidans_ is from three hundred to three hundred and fifty. + + + + +FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF ETON + +~45~~ + + PROEM. + + Said Truth to the Muse, as they wander'd along, + "Prithee, Muse, spur your Pegasus into a song; + Let the subject be lively,--how like you the Belles?" + Said the Muse, "he's no sportsman that kisses and tells. + + But in females delighting, suppose we stop here, + And do you bid the Dames of old Eton appear; + In your mirror their merits, with candour, survey, + And I'll sing their worth in my very best Lay." + No sooner 'twas said, than agreed:--it was done, + Wing'd Mercury summon'd them every one. + + MISS A***LO. + + First, deck'd in the height of the fashion, a belle, + An angel, ere Chronos had tipt her with snow, + Advanced to the goddess, and said, "you may tell, + That in Eton, there's no better table, you know;" + And by Truth 'twas admitted, "her generous board + Is rich, in whatever the seasons afford." + + THE MISS t*****S. + + Of ancients, a pair next presented themselves, + When in popp'd some waggish Oxonian elves, + Who spoke of times past, of short commons, and cheese, + And told tales, which did much the old ladies displease. + "Good morning," said Truth, as the dames pass'd him by: + Young stomachs, if stinted, are sure to outcry. + + MRS. R******U. + + On her _Domine_ leaning came dame B******u, + The oldest in college, deck'd in rich furbelow. + +~46~~ + + She curtsied around to the _Oppidan_ band, + But not one said a word, and but few gave a hand. + Truth whisper'd the Muse,, who, as sly, shook her head, + Saying, "where little's told, 'tis soon mended, it's + said." + + MRS. G******E. + + When S******e appear'd, what a shout rent the air! + The spruce widow affords the most excellent cheer; + For comfort in quarters there's nothing can beat her, + So up rose the lads with a welcome to greet her: + The muse with true gallantry led her to place, + And Truth said good humour was writ in her face. + + MRS. D****N. + With a face (once divine), and a figure still smart, + And a grace that defies even Time's fatal dart, + Dame D****n advanced, made her curtsy, and smiled: + Truth welcomed the fair, the grave, witty, and wild; + All, all gave their votes, and some said they knew + That her numbers by no measure equall'd her due. + + MISS S******S. + + "By my hopes," said the Muse, "here's a rare jolly pair, + A right merry frontispiece, comely and fair, + To good living and quarters." "You're right," nodded Truth. + A welcome approval was mark'd in each youth. + And 'twas no little praise among numbers like theirs, + To meet a unanimous welcome up stairs. + + Miss L******d. + Lavater, though sometimes in error, you'll find + May be here quoted safely; the face tells the mind. + Good humour and happiness live in her eye. + Her motto's contentment you'll easily spy. + five principal orders of eton + +~47~~ + + A chair for Miss L******d Truth placed near the Muse; + For beauty to rhyme can fresh spirit infuse. + + MRS. V******Y. + + V******y, in weeds led and angel along, + Accomplish'd and pretty, who blush'd at the throng. + The old dame seem'd to say, and i'faith she might well, + "Sons of Eton, when saw you a handsomer belle?" + If any intended the widow to sneer, + Miss A------won their favor, and banish'd the jeer. + + Three sisters, famed for various parts, + One clerks, and one makes savoury tarts; + While t'other, bless her dinner face, + Cuts up the viands with a grace, + Advanced, and met a cheerful greeting + From all who glorify good eating. + + MRS. W. H****R. + + With a smile, _a la confident_, came Mrs. H, + Whose Domine writing to Eton's sons teach: + In college, the handiest man you can find + For improvements of all sorts, both building and mind: + He seem'd on good terms with himself, but the Muse + Said, "the Dame claim'd a welcome which none could refuse." + + DAME A****S. + + Dame A****s, respected by all, made her way + Through the throng that assembled at Eton that day. + Old Chronos had wrinkled her forehead, 'tis true; + Yet her countenance beam'd in a rich, mellow hue + Of good humour and worth; 'twas a pleasure to mark + How the dame was applauded by each Eton spark. + +~48~~ + + MISS b*******K. + + Long and loud were the plaudits the lady to cheer, + Whom the doctor had treated somewhat cavalier: + "Too young," said the ancient, "the proverb is trite; + Age and wisdom, good doctor, not always unite." + "For prudence and worth," said Truth, "I'll be bound + She may challenge the Dames of old Eton around." + + A crowd pressing forward, the day growing late, + Truth whisper'd the Muse, "we had better retreat; + For though 'mong the dames we are free from disasters, + I know not how well we may fare with the masters. + There's Carter, and Yonge, Knapp, Green, and Dupuis,* + All coming this way with their ladies, I see. + Our visit, you know, was alone to the belles; + The masters may sing, if they please, of themselves. + Truth mounted a cloud, and the Poet his nag, + And these whims sent next day by the post-office bag. + + * Lower, and assistant masters, who keep boarding-houses. + Until lately this practice was not permitted; but it must be + confessed that it is a salutary arrangement, as it not only + tends to keep the youth in a better state of subjection, but + in many instances is calculated to increase their progress + in study, by enabling them to receive private instruction. + +[Illustration: page048 + +[Illustration: page049] + +~50~~ + + + +ELECTION SATURDAY. + + A Peep at the Long Chambers--The Banquet--Reflections on + parting--Arrival of the Provost of King's College, + Cambridge, and the Pozers--The Captain's Oration--Busy + Monday--The Oppidan's Farewell--Examination and Election of + the Collegers who stand for King's--The aquatic Gala and + Fireworks--Oxonian Visitors--Night--Rambles in Eton-- + Transformations of Signs and Names--The Feast at the + Christopher, with a View of THE OPPIDAN'S MUSEUM, AND ETON + COURT OF CLAIMS. + + Now from the schools pour forth a num'rous train, + Light-hearted, buoyant as the summer breeze, + To deck thy bosom, Eton: now each face + Anticipation brightens with delight, + While many a fancied bliss floats gaily + O'er the ardent mind, chaste as the Nautilus, + Spreading her pearly spangles to the sun: + The joyous welcome of parental love, + The heart-inspiring kiss a sister yields, + A brother's greeting, and the cheering smiles + Of relatives and friends, and aged domestics, + Time-honor'd for their probity and zeal, + Whose silvery locks recall to mem'ry's view + Some playful scene of earliest childhood, + When frolic, mirth, and gambol led the way, + Ere reason gave sobriety of thought.- + Now bear the busy _Cads_ the new-lopt bough + Of beech-tree to the dormitories, + While active Collegers the foliage raise + Against the chamber walls. A classic grove + Springs as by magic art, cool and refreshing, + A luxury by nature's self supply'd, + Delicious shelter from the dog-star's ray. + In thought profound the studious _Sextile_ mark + In learned converse with some ancient sage, + Whose aid he seeks to meet the dread Provost. + The captain fearless seeks the ancient stand, + Where old Etona's sons, beneath time's altar-piece,* + Have immemorial welcomed _Granta's_ chief. + In College-hall the merry cook prepares + The choicest viands for the master's banquet: + A graceful, healthy throng surround the board, + And temp'rance, love, and harmony, prevail. + Now busy dames are in high bustle caught, + Preparing for each oppidan's departure; + And servants, like wing'd Mercury, must fly + O'er Windsor bridge to hail the London coach. + Adieus on ev'ry side, farewell, farewell, + Rings in each passing ear; yet, nor regret + Nor sorrow marks the face, but all elate + With cheerful tongue and brighten'd eye, unite + To hail with joy Etona's holiday. + Now comes the trial of who stands for King's, + Examinations difficult and deep + The Provost and his pozers to o'ercome. + To this succeeds the grand aquatic gala, + A spectacle of most imposing import, + Where, robed in every costume of the world, + The gay youth direct the glittering prow; + A fleet of well-trimm'd barks upon the bosom + Of old father Thames, glide on to pleasure's note: + +~51~~ + + The expert victors are received with cheers, + And the dark canopy of night's illumin'd + With a grand display of brilliant fires. + + + * Shortly after the arrival of the Provost, he proceeds + through the cloisters, where he is met by the captain, or + head boy of the school, who speaks a long Latin oration + before him, standing under the clock. + +To an old Etonian the last week in July brings with it recollections of +delight that time and circumstances can never wholly efface. If, beneath +the broad umbrage of the refreshing grove, he seeks relief from care +and sultry heat, memory recalls to his imagination the scenes of his +boyhood, the ever pleasing recollections of infancy, when he reclined +upon the flowery bosom of old father Thames, or sought amusement in +the healthful exercise of bathing, or calmly listened to the murmuring +ripple of the waters, or joined the merry group in gently plying of the +splashing oar. With what eager delight are these reminiscences of youth +dwelt on! With what mingled sensations of hope, fear, and regret, do we +revert to the happy period of life when, like the favorite flower of the +month, our minds and actions rivalled the lily in her purity! Who, that +has ever tasted of the inspiring delight which springs from associations +of scholastic friendships and amusements, but would eagerly quit the +bustle of the great world to indulge in the enjoyment of the pure +and unalloyed felicity which is yet to be found among the alumni +of Eton?--Election Saturday--the very sound reverberates the echo of +pleasure, and in a moment places me (in imagination) in the centre of +the long chambers of Eton, walking beneath the grateful foliage of the +beech-tree, with which those dormitories are always decorated previous +to election Saturday. I can almost fancy that I hear the rattle of +the carriage wheels, and see the four horses smoking beneath the +lodge-window of Eton college, that conveys the provost of King's to +attend examination and election. Then too I can figure the classic band +who wait to +~52~~ +receive him; the dignified little doctor leading the way, followed +by the steady, calm-visaged lower master, Carter; then comes benedict +Yonge, and after him a space intervenes, where one should have been of +rare qualities, but he is absent; then follows good-humoured Heath, and +Knapp, who loves the rattle of a coach, and pleasant, clever Hawtry, and +careful Okes, and that shrewd sapper, Green, followed by medium Dupuis, +and the intelligent Chapman: these form his classic escort to the +cloisters. But who shall paint the captain's envied feelings, the proud +triumph of his assiduity and skill? To him the honourable office of +public orator is assigned; with modest reverence he speaks the Latin +oration, standing, as is the custom from time immemorial, under the +clock. There too he receives the bright reward, the approbation of +the Provost of King's college, and the procession moves forward to the +College-hall to partake of the generous banquet. On Sunday the Provost +of King's remains a guest with his compeer of Eton. But busy Monday +arrives, and hundreds of Oxonians and Cantabs pour in to witness the +speeches of the boys, and pay a tribute of respect to their former +masters. The exhibition this day takes place in the upper school, and +consists of sixth form oppidans and collegers. How well can I remember +the animated picture Eton presents on such occasions: shoals of +juvenile oppidans, who are not yet of an age to have been elected of any +particular school-party, marching forth from their dames' houses, linked +arm in arm, parading down the street with an air and gaiety that implies +some newly acquired consequence, or liberty of conduct. Every where a +holiday face presents itself, and good humour lisps upon every tongue. +Here may be seen a youthful group, all anxiety and bustle, trudging +after some well-known _Cad_, who creeps along towards the Windsor +coach-office, loaded with portmanteaus, carpet bags, and +~53~~ +boxes, like a Norfolk caravan at Christmas time; while the youthful +proprietors of the bulky stock, all anxiety and desire to reach their +relatives and friends, are hurrying him on, and do not fail to spur the +_elephant_ with many a cutting gibe, at his slow progression. Within +doors the dames are all bustle, collecting, arranging, and packing up +the wardrobes of their respective boarders; servants flying from the +hall to the attic, and endangering their necks in their passage down +again, from anxiety to meet the breathless impetuosity of their parting +guests. Books of all classes, huddled into a heap, may be seen in the +corner of each bedroom, making _sock_ for the mice till the return +of their purveyors with lots of plum-cake and savoury tarts. The more +mature are now busily engaged in settling the fashion of their costume +for the approaching gala; in receiving a visit from an elder brother, or +a young Oxonian, formerly of Eton, who has arrived post to take _sock_ +with him, and enjoy the approaching festivities. Here a venerable +domestic, whose silver locks are the truest emblem of his trusty +services, arrives with the favorite pony to convey home the infant heir +and hope of some noble house. + +Now is Garraway as lively as my lord mayor's steward at a Guildhall +feast-day; and the active note of preparation for the good things of +this world rings through the oaken chambers of the Christopher. Not even +the _sanctum sanctorum_ is forgotten, where, in times long past, I have +quaffed my jug of Bulstrode, "in cool grot," removed from the scorching +heat of a July day, and enjoyed many a good joke, secure from the prying +observations of the _domine_. One, and one only, class of persons wear +a sorrowful face upon these joyous occasions, and these are the +confectioners and fruitresses of Eton; with them, election Saturday +and busy Monday are like the herald to a Jewish black fast, or a stock +exchange holiday: they may as well _sport their oaks_ (to use an Oxford +phrase) till the +~54~~ +return of the oppidans to school, for they seldom see the colour of a +customer's cash till the, to them, happy period arrives. + +On the succeeding days the examinations of the collegers proceed +regularly; then follows the election of new candidates, and the severe +trial of those who stand for King's. These scholastic arrangements +generally conclude on the Wednesday night, or Thursday morning, and +then Pleasure mounts her variegated car, and drives wherever Fancy may +direct. Formerly I find seven or eight scholars went to King's;{*} but +in consequence of the fellows of Eton holding pluralities, the means are +impoverished, and the number consequently reduced to two or three: +this is the more to be regretted, on account of the very severe and +irrecoverable disappointment the scholars experience in losing +their election, merely on account of age; as at nineteen they are +superannuated, and cannot afterwards receive any essential benefit from +the college. + +Not the blue waves of the Engia, covered with the gay feluccas of the +Greeks, and spreading their glittering streamers in the sun; nor the +more lovely + + * This noble seminary of learning was founded by Hen. VI. in + 1440. Its establishment was then on a limited scale; it has + long since been enlarged, and now consists of a provost, + vice-provost, six fellows, two schoolmasters, with their + assistants, seventy scholars, seven clerks, and ten + choristers, besides various inferior officers and servants. + The annual election of scholars to King's College, + Cambridge, takes place about the end of July, or the + beginning of August, when the twelve senior scholars are put + on the roll to succeed, but they are not removed till + vacancies occur; the average number of which is about nine + in two years. At nineteen years of age the scholars are + superannuated. Eton sends, also, two scholars to Merton + College, Oxford, where they are denominated post-masters, + and has likewise a few exhibitions of twenty-one guineas + each for its superannuated scholars. The scholars elected to + King's succeed to fellowships at three years' standing. + +~55~~ +Adriatic, swelling her translucent bosom to the gentle motion of the +gondolier, and bearing on her surface the splendid cars and magnificent +pageant of the Doge of Venice, marrying her waters to the sea, can to +an English bosom yield half the delight the grand aquatic Eton gala +affords; where, decked in every costume fancy can devise, may be seen +the noble youth of Britain, her rising statesmen, warriors, and judges, +the future guardians of her liberties, wealth, and commerce, all vying +with each other in loyal devotion to celebrate the sovereign's natal +day.{*} Then doth thy silvery bosom, father Thames, present a spectacle +truly delightful; a transparent mirror, studded with gems and stars and +splendid pageantry, reflecting a thousand brilliant variegated hues; +while, upon thy flowery margin, the loveliest daughters of the land +press the green velvet of luxuriant nature, outrivalling in charms of +colour, form, and beauty, the rose, the lily, and the graceful pine. +There too may be seen the accomplished and the gay youth labouring for +pleasure at the healthful oar, while with experienced skill the expert +helmsman directs through all thy fragrant windings the trim bark to +victory. The race determined, the bright star of eve, outrivalled by the +pyrotechnic _artiste_, hides his diminished head. Now sallies forth the +gay Oxonian from the Christopher, ripe with the rare Falernian of mine +host, to have his frolic gambol with old friends. Pale Luna, through her +misty veil, smiles at these harmless pleasantries, and lends the merry +group her aid to smuggle signs, alter names, and play off a thousand +fantastic vagaries; while the Eton Townsman, robed in + + * The grand aquatic gala, which terminates the week's festi- + vities at Eton, and concludes the water excursions for the + season, was originally fixed in honour of his late majesty's + birthday, and would have been altered to the period of his + successor's, but the time would not accord, the twelfth day + of August being vacation. + +~50~~ +peaceful slumber, dreams not of the change his house has undergone, +and wakes to find a double transformation; his _Angel_ vanished, or +exchanged for the rude semblance of an Oxford _Bear_, with a cognomen +thereto appended, as foreign to his family nomenclature "as he to +Hercules." In the morning the dames are wailing the loss of their +polished knockers; and the barber-surgeon mourns the absence of his +obtrusive pole. The optician's glasses have been removed to the door of +some prying _domine_; and the large tin cocked hat has been seized by +some midnight giant, who has also claimed old Crispin's three-leagued +boot. The golden fish has leaped into the Thames. The landlord of the +Lamb bleats loudly for his fleece. The grocer cares not a fig for the +loss of his sugar-loaves, but laughs, and takes it as a currant joke. +Old Duplicate is resolved to have his balls restored with interest; and +the lady mother of the black doll is quite pale in the face with sorrow +for the loss of her child. Mine host of the vine looks as sour as his +own grapes, before they were fresh gilded; and spruce master Pigtail, +the tobacconist, complains that his large roll of real Virginia has been +chopped into short cut. But these are by far the least tormenting jokes. +That good-humoured Cad, Jem Miller, finds the honorary distinction of +private tutor added to his name. Dame ----s, an irreproachable spinster +of forty, discovers that of Mr. Probe, man-midwife, appended to her +own. Mr. Primefit, the Eton Stultz, is changed into Botch, the cobbler. +Diodorus Drowsy, D.D., of Windsor, is re-christened Diggory Drenchall, +common brewer; and the amiable Mrs. Margaret Sweet, the Eton pastry-cook +and confectioner, finds her name united in bands of brass with Mr. +Benjamin Bittertart, the baker. The celebrated Christopher Caustic, +Esq., surgeon, has the mortification to find his Esculapian dormitory +decorated with the sign-board of Mr. Slaughtercalf, a German butcher; +while his handsome brass pestle +~57~~ +and mortar, with the gilt Galen's head annexed, have been waggishly +transferred to the house of some Eton Dickey Gossip, barber and dentist. +Mr. Index, the bookseller, changes names with old Frank Finis, the +sexton. The elegant door plate of Miss Caroline Cypher, spinster, is +placed on the right side of Nicodemus + +Number, B.A., and fellow of Eton, with this note annexed: "New rule of +Addition, according to Cocker." Old Amen, the parish clerk, is united to +Miss Bridget Silence, the pew opener; and Theophilus White, M.D. changes +place with Mr. Sable, the undertaker. But we shall become too grave if +we proceed deeper with this subject. There is no end to the whimsical +alterations and ludicrous changes that take place upon these occasions, +when scarce a sign or door plate in Eton escapes some pantomimic +transformation.* + + * Representations to the masters or authorities are scarcely + ever necessary to redress these whimsical grievances, as the + injured parties are always remunerated. The next day the + spoils and trophies are arranged in due form in a certain + snug sanctum sanctorum, the cellar of a favorite inn, well + known by the name of the _Oppidan's_ Museum; for a view of + which see the sketch made on the spot by my friend Bob + Transit. Here the merry wags are to be found in council, + holding a court of claims, to which all the tradesmen who + have suffered any loss are successively summoned; and after + pointing out from among the motley collection the article + they claim, and the price it originally cost, they are + handsomely remunerated, or the sign replaced. The good + people of Eton generally choose the former, as it not only + enable them to sport a new sign, but to put a little profit + upon the cost price of the old one. The trophies thus + acquired are then packed up in hampers, and despatched to + Oxford, where they are on similar occasions not unfrequently + displayed, or hung up, in lieu of some well-known sign, such + as the Mitre, &c. which has been removed during the night. + +~58~~ + +[Illustration: page058] + + +The following jeu-d'esprits issued upon the interference of the +authorities at the conclusion of the last Election. The "dance of thirty +sovereigns" is an allusion to the fine imposed, which was given to the +poor. + + A Ladder Dance. + A moving golden Fish. + The Fall of Grapes, during a heavy storm. + The Cock'd Hat Combat. + A March to the Workhouse. + Bird-cage Duett, by Messrs. C***** and B****. + A public Breakfast, with a dance by thirty sovereigns. + Glee--"When shall we three meet again." + The Barber's Hornpipe, by the learned D****. + The Turk's Head Revel. + Saint Christopher's March. + The Committee in Danger. + The Cloisters, Eton + +[Illustration: page059] + +~59~~ + + + +HERBERT STOCKHORE, THE MONTEM POET LAUREATE. + +A SKETCH FROM THE LIFE, + +As he appeared in the Montent Procession of May, 1823. + +BY BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, AND ROBERT TRANSIT + + Bending beneath a weight of time, + And crippled as his Montem ode, + We found the humble son of rhyme + + Busy beside the public road. + Nor laurel'd wreath or harp had he, + + To deck his brow or touch the note + That wakes the soul to sympathy. + + His face was piteous as his coat, + 'Twas motley strange; e'en nature's self, + + In wild, eccentric, playful mood, + Had, for her pastime, form'd the elf, + + A being scarcely understood-- + Half idiot, harmless; yet a gleam + + Of sense, and whim, and shrewdness, broke + The current of his wildest stream; + + And pity sigh'd as madness spoke. + +~60~~ + + Lavater, Lawrence, Camper, here + + Philosophy new light had caught: + Judged by your doctrines 'twould appear + + The facial line denoted thought.{1} + But say, what system e'er shall trace + + By scalp or visage mental worth? + The ideot's form, the maniac's face, + + Are shared alike by all on earth. + "Comparative Anatomy--" + + If, Stockhore, 'twas to thee apply'd, + 'Twould set the doubting Gallist free, + + And Spurzheim's idle tales deride. + But hence with visionary scheme, + + Though Bell, or Abernethy, write; + Be Herbert Stockhore all my theme, + + The laureate's praises I indite; + He erst who sung in Montem's praise, + + And, Thespis like, from out his cart + Recited his extempore lays, + + On Eton's sons, in costume smart, + Who told of captains bold and grand, + + Lieutenants, marshals, seeking _salt_; + Of colonels, majors, cap in hand, + + Who bade e'en majesty to halt; + + 1 It is hardly possible to conceive a more intelligent, + venerable looking head, than poor Herbert Stockhore + presents; a fine capacious forehead, rising like a + promontory of knowledge, from a bold outline of countenance, + every feature decisive, breathing serenity and + thoughtfulness, with here and there a few straggling locks + of silvery gray, which, like the time-discoloured moss upon + some ancient battlements, are the true emblems of antiquity: + the eye alone is generally dull and sunken in the visage, + but during his temporary gleams of sanity, or fancied + flights of poetical inspiration, it is unusually bright and + animated. According to professor Camper, I should think the + facial line would make an angle of eighty or ninety degrees; + and, judging upon the principles laid down by Lavater, poor + Herbert might pass for a Solon. Of his bumps, or + phrenological protuberances, I did not take particular + notice, but I have no doubt they would be found, upon + examination, equally illustrative of such visionary systems. + +~61~~ + + Told how the ensign nobly waved + + The colours on the famous hill; + And names from dull oblivion saved, + + Who ne'er the niche of fame can fill: + Who, like to Campbell, lends his name.{2} + + To many a whim he ne'er did write; + When witty scholars, to their shame, + + 'Gainst masters hurl a satire trite.{3} + But fare thee well, Ad Montem's bard,{4} + + Farewell, my mem'ry's early friend + + 2 The author of "the Pleasures of Hope," and the editor of + the New Monthly; but-"_Tarde, quo credita lodunt, + credimus_." + + 3 It has long been the custom at Eton, particularly during + Montem, to give Herbert Stockhore the credit of many a + satirical whim, which he, poor fellow, could as easily have + penned as to have written a Greek ode. These squibs are + sometimes very humorous, and are purposely written in + doggrel verse to escape detection by the masters, who are + not unfrequently the principal porsons alluded to. + + 4 The following laughable production was sold by poor + Herbert Stockhore during the last Montem: we hardly think we + need apologise for introducing this specimen of his muse: + any account of Eton characteristics must have been held + deficient without it. + + + + +THE MONTEM ODE. May 20, 1823. + + Muses attend! the British channel flock o'er, + Call'd by your most obedient servant, Stockhore. + Aid me, O, aid me, while I touch the string; + Montem and Captain Barnard's praise I sing; + Captain Barnard, the youth so noble and bright, + That none dare dispute his worthy right + To that gay laurel which his brother wore, + In times that 1 remember long before. + What are Olympic honours compared to thine, + 0 Captain, when Majesty does combine + With heroes, their wives, sons and daughters great, + To visit this extremely splendid fete. + Enough! I feel a sudden inspiration fill + My bowels; just as if the tolling bell + Had sent forth sounds a floating all along the air + Just such Parnassian sounds, though deaf, I'm sure I hear. + +~62~~ + + May misery never press thee hard, + Ne'er may disease thy steps attend: + Listen, ye gents; rude Boreas hold your tongue! + The pomp advances, and my lyre is strung. + First comes Marshal Thackeray, + Dress'd out in crack array; + Ar'nt he a whacker, eh? + His way he picks, + Follow'd by six, + Like a hen by her chicks: + + Enough! he's gone. + As this martial Marshall + Is to music partial, + The bandsmen march all + + His heels upon. + He who hits the balls such thumps, + King of cricket-bats and stumps,-- + Barnard comes; + Sound the drums-- + + Silence! he's past. + Eight fair pages, + Of different ages, + + Follow fast. + Next comes the Serjeant-Major, + Who, like an old stager, + + Without need of bridle + Walks steadily; the same + Dolphin Major by name, + + Major Dolphin by title. + Next struts Serjeant Brown, + Very gay you must own; + With gallant Mr. Hughes, + In well-polish'd shoes; + Then Sampson, who tramps on, + Strong as his namesake. + Then comes Webb, who don't dread + To die for his fame's sake. + Next shall I sing + Of Serjeant King, + And Horace Walpole, + Holding a tall pole, + Who follows King and Antrobus, + Though he's "pulchrior ambobus." + +~63~~ + + Be all thy wants by those supply'd, + Whom charity ne'er fail'd to move{5}: + + 5 This eccentric creature has for many years subsisted + entirely upon the bounty of the Etonians, and the + inhabitants of Windsor and Eton, who never fail to + administer to his wants, and liberally supply him with many + little comforts in return for his harmless pleasantries. + + Then to Salthill speed on, + While the troops they lead on; + Both Mr. Beadon, + And Serjeant Mitford, + Who's ready to fi't for't. + Then Mr. Carter follows a'ter; + And Denman, + Worth ten men, + Like a Knight of the Garter; + And Cumberbatch, + Without a match, + Tell me, who can be smarter? + Then Colonel Hand, + Monstrous grand, + Closes the band. + Pass on, you nameless crowd, + Pass on. The Ensign proud + Comes near. Let all that can see + Behold the Ensign Dansey; + See with what elegance he + Waves the flag--to please the fancy. + Pass on, gay crowd; Le Mann, the big, + Bright with gold as a guinea-pig, + The big, the stout, the fierce Le Mann, + Walks like a valiant gentleman. + But take care of your pockets, + Here's Salt-bearer Platt, + With a bag in his hand, + And a plume in his hat; + A handsomer youth, sure small-clothes ne'er put on, + Though very near rival'd by elegant Sutton. + + Thus then has pass'd this grand procession, + In most magnificent progression. + Farewell you gay and happy throng! + +~64~~ + + Etona's motto, crest, and pride, + Is feeling, courage, friendship, love. + + Farewell my Muse! farewell my song' + Farewell Salthill! farewell brave Captain; + As ever uniform was clapt in; + Since Fortune's kind, pray do not mock her; + Your humble poet, + + HERBERT STOCKHORE. + +Herbert Stockhore was originally a bricklayer, and now resides at a +little house which he has built for himself, and called Mount Pleasant, +in a lane leading from Windsor to the Meadows. He has a wife and +daughter, honest, industrious people, who reside with him, and are by no +means displeased at the visit of a stranger to their eccentric relative. +Some idea of the old man's amusing qualifications may be conceived from +the following description, to which I have added the account he gives +of his heraldic bearings. It must be recollected that the Etonians +encourage these whims in the poor old man, and never lose an opportunity +of impressing Stockhore with a belief in the magnificent powers of +his genius.--After we had heard him recite several of his unconnected +extempore rhapsodies, we were to be indulged with the Montem ode; this +the old man insisted should be spoken in his gala dress; nor could all +the entreaties of his wife and daughter, joined to those of myself and +friend (fearful of appearing obtrusive), dissuade old Herbert from his +design. He appeared quite frantic with joy when the dame brought forth +from an upper apartment these insignia of his laureateship; the careful +manner in which they were folded up and kept clean gave us to understand +that the good woman herself set some store by them. The wife and +daughter now proceeded to robe the laureate bard: the first garment +which was placed over his shoulders, and came below his waist, was a +species of tunic made out of patches of bed-furniture, trimmed in the +most fantastic manner with fragments of worsted fringe of all colors. +Over this he wore an old military jacket, of a very ancient date in +respect to costume, and trimmed like the robe with fringe of every +variety. A pair of loose trowsers of the same materials as the tunic +were also displayed; but the fashion of the poet's head-dress exceeded +all the rest for whimsicality: round an old soldier's cap a sheet of +pasteboard was bent to a spiral form, rising about fourteen inches, and +covered with some pieces of chintz bed-furniture of a very rich pattern; +in five separate circles, was disposed as many different colors of +fringes; some worsted twisted, to resemble feathers, was suspended from +the side; and the whole had the most grotesque appearance, more nearly +resembling the papal crown in similitude than any thing else I can +conceive. +~65~~ + + Poor harmless soul, thy merry stave + Shall live when nobler poets bend; + +The poor old fellow seemed elated to a degree. We had sent for a little +ale for him, but were informed he was not accustomed to drink much of +any strong liquor. After a glass, Herbert recited with great gesture and +action, but in a very imperfect manner, the Montem ode; and then for +a few minutes seemed quite exhausted. During this exhibition my friend +Transit was engaged in sketching his portrait, a circumstance that +appeared to give great pleasure to the wife and daughter, who earnestly +requested, if it was published, to be favored with a copy. We had now +become quite familiar with the old man, and went with him to view his +Montem car and Arabian pony, as he called them, in a stable adjoining +the house. On our return, my friend Transit observed that his cart +required painting, and should be decorated with some appropriate emblem. +Herbert appeared to understand the idea, and immediately proceeded to +give us a history of his heraldic bearings, or, as he said, what his +coat of arms should be, which, he assured us, the gentlemen of Eton +had subscribed for, and were having prepared at the Heralds' College in +London, on purpose for him to display next Montem. "My grand-father," +said Stockhore, "was a hatter, therefore I am entitled to the beaver in +the first quarter of my shield. My grandfather by my mother's side was +a farmer, therefore I should have the wheat-sheaf on the other part. +My own father was a pipe-maker, and that gives me a noble ornament, the +cross pipes and glasses, the emblems of good fellowship. Now my wife's +father was a tailor, and that yields me a goose: those are the bearings +of the four quarters of my shield. Now, sir, I am a poet--ay, the poet +laureate of Montem; and that gives me a right to the winged horse for +my crest. There's a coat of arms for you," said poor Herbert; "why, it +would beat every thing but the king's; ay, and his too, if it wasn't for +the lion and crown." The attention we paid to this whim pleased the poor +creature mightily; he was all animation and delight. But the day was +fast declining: so, after making the poor people a trifling present for +the trouble we had given them, my friend Transit and myself took our +farewell of poor Herbert, not, I confess, without regret; for I think +the reader will perceive by this brief sketch thero is great character +and amusement in his harmless whims. I have been thus particular in my +description of him, because he is always at Montem time an object of +much curiosity; and to every Etonian of the last thirty years, his +peculiarities must have frequently afforded amusement. +~66~~ + + And when Atropos to the grave + Thy silvery locks of gray shall send, + + Etona's sons shall sing thy fame, + _Ad Montem_ still thy verse resound, + + Still live an ever cherish'd name, + As long as _salt_{2} and sock abound. + + 2 Salt is the name given to the money collected at Montem. + +[Illustration: page066] + + + + +THE DOUBTFUL POINT. + +"Why should I not read it," thought Horatio, hesitating, with the MSS. +of Life in Eton half opened in his hand. A little Chesterfield deity, +called Prudence, whispered--"Caution." "Well, Miss Hypocrisy," quoth +the Student, "what serious offence shall I commit against propriety +or morality by reading a whimsical jeu-d'esprit, penned to explain the +peculiar lingual localisms of Eton, and display her chief characteristic +follies." "It is slang," said Prudence. "Granted," said Horatio: "but he +who undertakes to depict real life must not expect to make a pleasing or +a correct picture, without the due proportions of light and shade. 'Vice +to be hated needs but to be seen.' Playful satire may do more towards +correcting the evil than all the dull lessons of sober-tongued morality +can ever hope to effect." Candour, who just then happened to make a +passing call, was appointed referee; and, without hesitation, agreed +decidedly with Horatio.{1} + + 1 Life at Eton will not, I hope, be construed into any + intention of the author's to follow in the track of any + previous publication: his object is faithfully to delineate + character, not to encourage vulgar phraseology, or + promulgate immoral sentiment. + +~67~~ + + + +LIFE IN ETON; + + A COLLEGE CHAUNT IN PRAISE OF PRIVATE + TUTORS.{1} + + Time hallowed shades, and noble names, + Etonian classic bowers; + Pros,{2} masters, fellows, and good dames,{3} + Where pass'd my school-boy hours; + + 1 Private tutor, in the Eton school phrase, is another term + for a _Cad_, a fellow who lurks about college, and assists + in all _sprees_ and sports by providing dogs, fishing + tackle, guns, horses, bulls for baiting, a badger, or in + promoting any other interdicted, or un-lawful pastime. A + dozen or more of these well known characters may be seen + loitering in front of the college every morning, making + their arrangement with their pupils, the _Oppidans_, for a + day's sport, to commence the moment school is over. They + formerly used to occupy a seat on the low wall, in front of + the college, but the present headmaster has recently + interfered to expel this assemblage; they still, however, + carry on their destructive intercourse with youth, by + walking about, and watching their opportunity for + communication. The merits of these worthies are here + faithfully related, and will be instantly recognised by any + Etonian of the last thirty years. + + 2 _PROS_. Eton college is governed by a provost, vice- + provost, six fellows, a steward of the courts, head-master, + and a lower, or second master; to which is added, nine + assistant masters, and five extra ones, appointed to teach + French, writing, drawing, fencing, and dancing. The school + has materially increased in numbers within the last few + years, and now contains nearly five hundred scholars, sons + of noblemen and gentlemen, and may be truly said to be the + chief nursery for the culture of the flower of the British + nation.--See note to page 54. + + 3 _DAMES_. The appellation given to the females who keep + boarding-houses in Eton. These houses, although out of the + college walls, are subject to the surveillance of the head + master and fellows, to whom all references and complaints + are made. + +~69~~ + Come list', while I with con,{4} and sock{5} + And chaunt,{6} both ripe and mellow, + Tell how you knowledge stores unlock, + + To make a clever fellow.{7} + For Greek and Latin, classic stuff, + + Let tug muttons{8}compose it; + Give oppidans{9} but blunt{10 }enough, + + What odds to them who knows it. + A dapper dog,{11} a right coolfish,{12} + + Who snugly dines on pewter; + Quaffs Bulstrode ale,{13} and takes his dish. + + 4 CON. A con is a companion, or friend; as, "you are + cons of late." + + 5 SOCK signifies eating or drinking niceties; as, pastry, + jellies, Bishop, &c. + + 6 CHAUNT, a good song; to versify. + + 7 This is not intended as an imputation on the learned + fellows of Eton college, but must be taken in the vulgar + acceptation--you're a clever fellow, &c. + + 8 TUG MUTTONS, or Tugs, collegers, foundation scholars; an + appellation given to them by the oppidans, in derision of + the custom which has prevailed from the earliest period, and + is still continued, of living entirely on roast mutton; from + January to December no other description of meat is ever + served up at College table in the hall. There are seventy of + these young gentlemen on the foundation who, if they miss + their election when they are nineteen, lose all the benefits + of a fellowship. + + 9 OPPIDANS, independent scholars not on the foundation. + + 10 BLUNT, London slang (for money), in use here. + + 11 A DAPPER DOC, any thing smart, or pleasing, as, "Ay, + that's dapper," or, "you are a dapper dog." + + 12 A RIGHT COOL FISH, one who is not particular what he says + or does. + + 13 BULSTRODE ALE, a beverage in great request at the + Christopher. When the effects were sold at Bulstrode, + Garraway purchased a small stock of this famous old ale, + which by some miraculous process he has continued to serve + out in plentiful quantities ever since. The joke has of late + been rather against mine host of the Christopher, who, + however, to do him justice, has an excellent tap, which is + now called the queen's, from some since purchased at + Windsor: this is sold in small quarts, at one shilling per + jug. + +~70~~ + In private with his tutor.{14} + In lieu of ancient learned lore, + + Which might his brain bewilder, + Rum college slang he patters o'er, + + With cads{15 }who chouse{16} the guilder. + Who's truly learn'd must read mankind, + + Truth's axiom inculcates: + The world's a volume to the mind, + + Instructive more than pulpits.{17} + Come fill the bowl with _Bishop_ up, + + _Clods,{18} Fags,{19} and Skugs{20} and Muttons{21}_; + When _absence_{22} calls ye into sup, + + Drink, drink to me, ye gluttons. + I'll teach ye how to kill dull care, + + Improve your box of knowledge,{23} + + 14 Many of the young noblemen and gentlemen at Eton are + accompanied by private tutors, who live with them to + expedite their studies; they are generally of the College, + and recommended by the head master for their superior + endowments. + + 15 CAD, a man of all work, for dirty purposes, yclept + private tutor. See note 1, page 68. + + 16 CHOUSE the GUILDER. Chouse or chousing is generally + applied to any transaction in which they think they may have + been cheated or overcharged. + + Guilder is a cant term for gold. + + 17 Nothing in the slightest degree unorthodox is meant to + be inferred from this reasoning, but simply the sentiment + of this quotation-'The proper study of mankind is man.' + + 18 CLODS, as, "you clod," a town boy, or any one not an + Etonian, no matter how respectable. + + 19 FAGS, boys in the lower classes. Every fifth form boy has + his fag. + + 20 SCUG or SKUG, a lower boy in the school, relating to + + sluggish. 21 MUTTONS. See note 8. + + 22 ABSENCE. At three-quarters past eight in summer, and + earlier in winter, several of the masters proceed to the + different dames' houses, and call absence, when every boy is + compelled to be instantly in quarters for the night, on pain + of the most severe punishment. + + 23 BOX of KNOWLEDGE, the pericranium. + + With all that's witty, choice, and rare, + + 'Fore all the _Slugs_{24} of college. + Of private tutors, vulgo Cads, + + A list I mean to tender; + The qualities of all the lads, + + Their prices to a _bender_.{25} + First, Shampo Carter{26} doffs his _tile_, + + To dive, to fish, or fire; + There's few can better time beguile, + + And none in sporting higher. + + 24 SLUGS of College, an offensive appellation applied to the + fellows of Eton by the townsmen. + + 25 BENDER, a sixpence. + + 26 Note from Bernard Blackmantle, M.A. to Shampo Carter and + Co. P.T.'s:-- + + MESSIEURS THE CADS OF ETON, In handing down to posterity + your multifarious merits and brilliant qualifications, you + will perceive I have not forgotten the signal services and + delightful gratifications so often afforded me in the days + of my youth. Be assured, most assiduous worthies, that I am + fully sensible of all your merits, and can appreciate justly + your great usefulness to the rising generation. You are the + sappers and miners of knowledge, who attack and destroy the + citadel of sense before it is scarcely defensible. It is no + fault of yours if the stripling of Eton is not, at eighteen, + well initiated into all the mysteries of life, excepting + only the, to him, mysterious volumes of the classics. To do + justice to all was not within the limits of my work; I have + therefore selected from among you the most distinguished + names, and I flatter myself, in so doing, I have omitted + very few of any note; if, however, any efficient member of + your brotherhood should have been unintentionally passed by, + he has only to forward an authenticated copy of his + biography and peculiar merits to the publisher, to meet with + insertion in a second edition. + + Bernard Blackmantle. + + Bill Carter is, after all, a very useful fellow, if it was + only in teaching the young Etonians to swim, which he does, + by permission of the head master. + + Tile, a hat. + +~72~~ + Joe Cannon, or my lord's a gun,{27} + A regular nine pounder; + To man a boat, stands number one, + + And ne'er was known to flounder. + There's Foxey Hall{28} can throw the line + With any Walton angler; + To tell his worth would task the Nine, + + Or pose a Cambridge wrangler. + Next, Pickey Powell{29} at a ball + + Is master of the wicket; + Can well deliver at a call + + A trite essay on cricket. + Jem Flowers {30} baits a badger well, + + For a bull _hank, or tyke_, sir; + And as an out and out bred _swell_,{31} + + Was never seen his like. + + 27 A GUN--"He's a great gun," a good fellow, a knowing one. + Joe is a first rate waterman, and by the Etonians styled + "Admiral of the fleet." + + 28 "Not a better fellow than Jack Hall among the Cads," said + an old Etonian, "or a more expert angler." Barb, Gudgeon, + Dace, and Chub, seem to bite at his bidding; and if they + should be a little shy, why Jack knows how to "go to work + with the net." + + 29 Who, that has been at Eton, and enjoyed the manly and + invigorating exercise of cricket, has not repeatedly heard + Jem Powell in tones of exultation say, "Only see me '_liver + thin here_ ball, my young master?" And, in good truth, Jem + is right, for very few can excel him in that particular: and + then (when Jem is _Bacchi plenis_,) who can withstand his + _quart of sovereigns_. On such occasions Jem is seen + marching up and down before the door of his house, with a + silver quart tankard filled with gold--the savings of many + years of industry. + + 30 Jem Flowers is an old soldier; and, in marshalling the + forces for a bull or a badger-bait, displays all the tactics + of an experienced general officer. Caleb Baldwin would no + more bear comparison with Jem than a flea does to an + elephant. + + 31 When it is remembered how near Eton is to London, and how + frequent the communication, it will appear astonishing, but + highly creditable to the authorities, that so little of the + current slang of the day is to be met with here. + +~73~~ + + There's Jolly Jem,{32} who keeps his punt, + + And dogs to raise the siller; + Of _cads_, the captain of the hunt, + + A right and tight good miller. + Next Barney Groves,{33} a learned wight, + + The impounder of cattle, + Dilates on birth and common right, + + And threats _black slugs_ with battle. + Big George {34} can teach the use of fives, + + Or pick up a prime terrier; + Or _spar_, or keep the game alive, + + With beagle, bull, or harrier. + Savager{35} keeps a decent nag, + + + 32 Jem Miller was originally a tailor; but having dropt a + stitch or two in early life, _listed_ into a sporting + regiment of Cads some years since; and being a better shot + at hares and partridges than he was considered at the _heavy + goose_, has been promoted to the rank of captain of the + private tutors. Jem is a true jolly fellow; his house + exhibits a fine picture of what a sportsman's hall should + be, decorated with all the emblems of fishing, fowling, and + hunting, disposed around in great taste. + + 33 Barney Groves, the haughward, or impounder of stray + cattle at Eton, is one of the most singular characters I + have ever met with. Among the ignorant Barney is looked up + to as the fountain of local and legal information; and it is + highly ludicrous to hear him expatiate on his favourite + theme of "our birthrights and common rights;" tracing the + first from the creation, and deducing argument in favor of + his opinions on the second from doomsday book, through all + the intricate windings of the modern inclosure acts. Barney + is a great stickler for reform in College, and does not + hesitate to attack the fellows of Eton (whom he denominates + black slugs), on holding pluralities, and keeping the good + things to themselves. As Barney's avocation compels him to + travel wide, he is never interrupted by water; for in summer + or winter he readily wades through the deepest places; he is + consequently a very efficient person in a sporting party. + + 34 George Williams, a well-known dog fancier, who also + teaches the art and science of pugilism. + + 35 Savager, a livery-stable keeper, who formerly used to + keep a good tandem or two for hire, but on the interference + of the head master, who interdicted such amusements as + dangerous, they have been put down in Eton. + +~74~~ + + But's very shy of lending, + Since she put down her tandem _drag_,{36} + + For fear of Keates offending. + But if you want to splash along + + In glory with a _ginger_,{37} + Or in a Stanhope come it strong, + + Try Isaac Clegg,{38} of Windsor. + If o'er old father Thames you'd glide, + + And cut the silvery stream; + With Hester's{39} eight oars mock the tide, + + He well deserves a _theme_. + There's Charley Miller, and George Hall,{40} + + Can beasts and birds restore, sir; + And though they cannot bark or squall, + + Look livelier than before, sir. + Handy Jack's {41} a general blade, + + There's none like Garraway, sir; + Boats, ducks, or dogs, are all his trade, + + He'll fit you to a say, sir. + + 36 DR A G, London slang for tilbury, dennet, Stanhope, &c. + + 37 A GINGER, a showy, fast horse. + + 38 Isaac Clegg is in great repute for his excellent turn + outs, and prime nags; and, living in Windsor, he is out of + the jurisdiction of the head master. + + 39 Hester's boats are always kept in excellent trim. At + Eton exercise on the water is much practised, and many of + the scholars are very expert watermen: they have recently + taken to boats of an amazing length, forty feet and upwards, + which, manned with eight oars, move with great celerity. + Every Saturday evening the scholars are permitted to assume + fancy dresses; but the practice is now principally confined + to the steersman; the rest simply adopting sailors' costume, + except on the fourth of June, or election Saturday, when + there is always a grand gala, a band of music, and + fireworks, on the island in the Thames. + + 40 Miller and Hall, two famous preservers of birds and + animals; an art in high repute among the Etonians. + + 41 A famous boatman, duck-hunter, dog-fighter; or, + according to the London phrase--good at everything. + +~75~~ + + Tom New {42} in manly sports is old, + + A tailor, and a trump, sir; + And _odd Fish Bill_,{43} at sight of gold, + + Will steer clear of the bump,"{44} sir. + A list of _worthies_, learn'd and great + + In every art and science, + That noble youths should emulate, + + To set laws at defiance: + The church, the senate, and the bar, + + By these in ethics grounded, + Must prove a meteoric star, + + Of brilliancy compounded. + Ye lights of Eton, rising suns, + + Of all that's great and godly; + The nation's hope, and dread of _duns_, + + Let all your acts be _motley_. + Learn arts like these, ye oppidan, + + If you'd astonish greatly + The senate, or the great divan, + + With classics pure, and stately. + Give Greek and Latin to the wind, + + Bid pedagogues defiance: + These are the rules to grace the mind + + With the true gems of science. + + 42 Tom New, a great cricketer. + + 43 Bill Fish, a waterman who attends the youngest boys in + their excursions. + + 44 The BUMP, to run against each other in the race. + +~76~~ + + + + +APOLLO'S VISIT TO ETON. + +~76~~ This whimsical production appeared originally in 1819, in an +Eton miscellany entitled the College Magazine; the poetry of which was +afterwards selected, and only fifty copies struck off: these have been +carefully suppressed, principally we believe on account of this article, +as it contains nothing that we conceive can be deemed offensive, and +has allusions to almost all the distinguished scholars of that period, +besides including the principal contributors to the Etonian, a recent +popular work: we have with some difficulty filled up the blanks with +real names; and, at the suggestion of several old Etonians, incorporated +it with the present work, as a fair criterion of the promising character +of the school at this particular period. + +The practice of thus distinguishing the rising talents of Eton is +somewhat ancient. We have before us a copy of verses dated 1620, in +which Waller, the poet, and other celebrated characters of his time, are +particularised. At a still more recent period, during the mastership +of the celebrated Doctor Barnard, the present earl of Carlisle, whose +classical taste is universally admitted, distinguished himself not less +than his compeers, by some very elegant lines: those on the late Right +Hon. C. J. Fox we are induced to extract as a strong proof of the noble +earl's early penetration and foresight. + + "How will my Fox, alone, by strength of parts. + Shake the loud senate, animate the hearts + Of fearful statesmen? while around you stand + Both Peers and Commons listening your command. + +~77~~ + + While _Tully's_ sense its weight to you affords, + His nervous sweetness shall adorn your words. + What praise to Pitt,{1} to Townshend, e'er was due, + In future times, my Pox, shall wait on you." + +At a subsequent period, the leading characters of the school were +spiritedly drawn in a periodical newspaper, called the World, then +edited by Major Topham, and the Rev. Mr. East, who is still, I believe, +living, and preaches occasionally at Whitehall. From that publication, +now very scarce, I have selected the following as the most amusing, and +relating to distinguished persons. + + 1 The great Earl of Chatham. + + + + +RECOLLECTIONS OF AN OLD ETONIAN. + +The Lords Littleton--father and son, formed two opposite characters in +their times. The former had a distinguished turn for pastoral poetry, +and wrote some things at Eton with all the enthusiasm of early years, +and yet with all the judgment of advanced life. The latter showed there, +in some traits of disposition, what was to be expected from him; but he +too loved the Muses, and cultivated them. + +He there too displayed the strange contraries of being an ardent admirer +of the virtues of classic times, while he was cheating at chuck and +all-fours; and though he affected every species of irreligion, was, in +fact, afraid of his own shadow. + +The whole North Family have, in succession, adorned this school with +their talents--which in the different branches were various, but all +of mark and vivacity. To the younger part, Dampier was the tutor; who, +having a little disagreement with Frank North on the hundred steps +coming down from the terrace, at Windsor, they adjusted it, by Frank +North's rolling his tutor very quickly down the whole of them. The tutor +has since risen to some eminence in the church. + +Lord Cholmondeley was early in life a boy of great parts, and they have +continued so ever since, though not lively ones. Earl of Buckingham +was a plain good scholar, but ~79~~ would have been better at any +other school, for he was no poet, and verse is here one of the first +requisites; besides, he had an impediment in his speech, which, in +the hurry of repeating a lesson before a number of boys, was always +increased. It was inculcated to him by his dame--that he must look upon +himself as the reverse of a woman in every thing, and not hold--that +whoever "_deliberates is lost_." + +Lord Harrington was a boy of much natural spirit. In the great +rebellion, under _Forster_, when all the boys threw their books into the +Thames, and marched to Salt Hill, he was amongst the foremost. At that +place each took an oath, or rather swore, he would be d------d if ever +he returned to school again. + +When, therefore, he came to London to the old Lord Harrington's, and +sent up his name, his father would only speak to him at the door, +insisting, at the same time, on his immediate return. "Sir," said the +son, "consider I shall be d--d if I do!" "And I" answered the father, +"will be d--d if you don't!" + +"Yes, my lord," replied the son, "but you will be d--d together I do or +no!" + +The Storers. Anthony and Tom, for West Indians, were better scholars +than usually fell to the share of those _children of the sun_, who were, +in general, too gay to be great. The name of the elder stands to this +day at the head of many good exercises; from which succeeding genius has +stolen, and been praised for it. + +Tom had an odd capability of running round a room on the edge of the +wainscot, a strange power of holding by the foot: an art which, in lower +life, might have been serviceable to him in the showing it. And Anthony, +likewise, amongst better and more brilliant qualifications, had the +reputation of being amongst the best dancers of the age. In a political +line, perhaps, he did not _dance attendance_ to much purpose. + +Harry Conway, brother to the present Marquis of ~80~~ Hertford, +though younger in point of learning, was older than his brother, Lord +Beauchamp; but he was not so forward as to show this preeminence: a +somewhat of modesty, a consciousness of being younger, always kept him +back from displaying it. In fact, they were perfectly unlike two Irish +boys--the Wades, who followed them, and who, because the younger was +taller, used to fight about which was the eldest. + +Pepys. A name well known for Barnard's commendation of it, and for his +exercises in the _Musae Etonenses_. He was amongst the best poets that +Eton ever produced. + +Kirkshaw, son to the late doctor, of Leeds, and since fellow of Trinity +College. When his father would have taken him away, he made a singular +request that he might stay a year longer, not wishing to be made a man +so early. + +Many satiric Latin poems bear his name at Eton, and he continued that +turn afterwards at Cambridge. He was remarkable for a very large head; +but it should likewise be added, there was a good deal in it. + +On this head, his father used to hold forth in the country. He was, +without a figure, the head of the school, and was afterwards in the +caput at the university. + +Wyndham, under Barnard, distinguished himself very early as a scholar, +and for a logical acuteness, which does not often fall to the share of +a boy. He was distinguished too both by land and by water; for while +he was amongst the most informed of his time, in school hours, in the +playing fields, on the water, with the celebrated boatman, my guinea +piper at cricket, or in rowing, he was always the foremost. He used +to boast, that he should in time be as good a boxer as his father was, +though he used to add, that never could be exactly known, as he could +not decently have a _set-to_ with him. + +~81~~ Fawkener, the major, was captain of the school; and in those days +was famed for the "_suaviter in modo_," and for a turn for gallantry +with the Windsor milliners, which he pursued up the hundred steps, and +over the terrace there. As this turn frequently made him overrun the +hours of absence, on his return he was found out, and flogged the next +morning; but this abated not his zeal in the cause of gallantry, as he +held it to be, like _Ovid_, whom he was always reading, suffering in a +fair cause. + +Fawkener, Everard, minor, with the same turn for pleasure as his +brother, but more open and ingenuous in his manner, more unreserved in +his behaviour, then manifested, what he has since been, the bon vivant +of every society, and was then as since, the admired companion in every +party. + +Prideaux was remarkable for being the gravest boy of his time, and for +having the longest chin. Had he followed the ancient "_Sapientem pascere +Barbam_," there would in fact have been no end of it. With this turn, +however, his time was not quite thrown away, nor his gravity. In +conjunction with Dampier, Langley, and Serjeant, who were styled the +learned Cons, he composed a very long English poem, in the same metre as +the Bath Guide, and of which it was then held a favour to get a copy. He +had so much of advanced life about him, that the masters always looked +upon him as a man; and this serious manner followed him through his +pastimes. He was fond of billiards; but he was so long in making +his stroke, that no boy could bear to play with him: when the game, +therefore, went against him, like Fabius-_Cunctando restituit rem_; and +they gave it up rather than beat him. + +Hulse. Amongst the best tennis-players that Eton ever sent up to +Windsor, where he always was. As a poet he distinguished himself +greatly, by winning one of the medals given by Sir John Dalrymple. His +~82~~ exercise on this occasion was the subject of much praise to Doctor +Forster, then master, and of much envy to his contemporaries in the +sixth form, who said it was given to him because he was head boy. + +These were his arts; besides which he had as many tricks as any boy ever +had. He had nothing when praepositer, and of course ruling under boys, of +dignity about him, or of what might enforce his authority. When he ought +to have been angry, some monkey trick always came across him, and he +would make a serious complaint against a little boy, in a hop, step, and +a jump. + +Montague. Having a great predecessor before him under the appellation of +"_Mad Montague_" had always a consolatory comparison in this way in his +favor. In truth, at times he wanted it, for he was what has been termed +a genius: but he was likewise so in talent. He was an admirable poet, +and had a neatness of expression seldom discoverable at such early +years. In proof, may be brought a line from a Latin poem on Cricket: + + "_Clavigeri fallit verbera--virga cadit_." + +And another on scraping a man down at the _Robin Hood_: + + "_Radit arenosam pes inimicus humum_." + +The scratching of the foot on the sandy floor is admirable. + +During a vacation, Lord Sandwich took him to Holland; and he sported on +his return a Dutch-built coat for many weeks. The boys used to call him +_Mynheer Montague_; but his common habit of oddity soon got the better +of his coat. + +He rose to be a young man of great promise, as to abilities; and died +too immaturely for his fame. + +Tickell, the elder. _Manu magis quam capite_ should have been his motto. +By natural instinct he loved ~83~~ fighting, and knew not what fear +was. He went amongst his school-fellows by the name of Hannibal, and Old +Tough. A brother school-fellow of his, no less a man than the Marquis of +Buckingham, met, and recognised him again in Ireland, and with the most +marked solicitude of friendship, did every thing but assist him, in +obtaining a troop of dragoons, which he had much at heart. + +Tickell, minor, should then have had the eulogy of how much elder art +thou than thy years! In those early days his exercises, read publicly +in school, gave the anticipation of what time and advancing years have +brought forth. He was an admirable scholar, and a poet from nature; +forcible, neat, and discriminating. The fame of his grandsire, the +Tickell of Addison, was not hurt by the descent to him. + +His sister, who was the beauty of Windsor castle, and the admiration +of all, early excited a passion in a boy then at school, who afterwards +married her. Of this sister he was very fond; but he was not less so +of another female at Windsor, a regard since terminated in a better way +with his present wife. + +His pamphlet of _Anticipation_, it is said, placed him where he since +was, under the auspices of Lord North; but his abilities were of better +quality, and deserved a better situation for their employment. + +Lord Plymouth, then Lord Windsor, had to boast some distinctions, which +kept him aloof from the boys of his time. He was of that inordinate size +that, like Falstaff, four square yards on even ground were so many miles +to him; and the struggles which he underwent to raise himself when +down might have been matter of instruction to a minority member. In the +entrance to his Dame's gate much circumspection was necessary; for, like +some good men out of power, he found it difficult to get in. + +When in school, or otherwise, he was not undeserving of praise, either +as to temper or ~84~~ scholarship; and whether out of the excellence +of his Christianity, or that of good humour, he was not very adverse to +good living; and he continued so ever after. + +Lord Leicester had the reputation of good scholarship, and not +undeservedly. In regard to poetry, however, he was sometimes apt +to break the eighth commandment, and prove lie read more the Musee +Etonenses than his prayer-book. Inheriting it from Lord Townshend, the +father of caricaturists, he there pursued, with nearly equal ability, +that turn for satiric drawing. The master, the tutors, slender Prior, +and fat Roberts,--all felt in rotation the effects of his pencil. + +There too, as well as since, he had a most venerable affection for +heraldry, and the same love of collecting together old titles, and +obsolete mottos. Once in the military, he had, it may be said, a turn +for arms. In a zeal of this kind he once got over the natural mildness +of his temper, and was heard to exclaim--"There are two griffins in my +family that have been missing these three centuries, and by G-, I'll +have iliem back again!"-This passion was afterwards improved into so +perfect a knowledge, that in the creation of peers he was applied to, +that every due ceremonial might be observed; and he never failed in his +recollection on these antiquated subjects. + +Tom Plummer gave then a specimen of that quickness and vivacity of parts +for which he was afterwards famed. But not as a scholar, not as a poet, +was he quick alone; he was quick too in the wrong ends of things, as +well as the right, with a plausible account to follow it. + +In fact, he was born for the law; clear, discriminating, judicious, +alive, and with a noble impartiality to all sides of questions, and +which none could defend better. This goes, however, only to the powers +of his head; in those of the heart no one, and in the best ~85~~ and +tenderest qualities of it, ever stood better. He was liked universally, +and should be so; for no man was ever more meritorious for being good, +as he who had all the abilities which sometimes make a man otherwise. + +In the progress of life mind changes often, and body almost always. Both +these rules, however, he lived to contradict; for his talents and his +qualities retained their virtue; and when a boy he was as tall as when a +man, and apparently the same. + +Capel Loft. In the language of Eton the word gig comprehended all that +was ridiculous, all that was to be laughed at, and plagued to death; and +of all gigs that was, or ever will be, this gentleman, while a boy, was +the greatest. + +He was like nothing, "in the heavens above, or the waters under the +earth;" and therefore he was surrounded by a mob of boys whenever he +appeared. These days of popularity were not pleasant. Luckily, however, +for himself, he found some refuge from persecution in his scholarship. +This scholarship was much above the rate, and out of the manner of +common boys. + +As a poet, he possessed fluency and facility, but not the strongest +imagination. As a classic, he was admirable; and his prose themes upon +different subjects displayed an acquaintance with the Latin idiom and +phraseology seldom acquired even by scholastic life, and the practice of +later years. Beyond this, he read much of everything that appeared, knew +every thing, and was acquainted with every better publication of the +times. + +Even then he studied law, politics, divinity; and could have written +well upon those subjects. + +These talents have served him since more effectually than they did then; +more as man than boy: + +For at school he was a kind of Gray Beard: he neither ran, played, +jumped, swam, or fought, as ~86~~ other boys do. The descriptions of +puerile years, so beautifully given by _Gray_, in his ode: + + "Who, foremost, now delight to cleave, + With pliant arm, thy glassy wave? + The captive linnet which enthrall? + What idle progeny succeed, + To chase the rolling circle's speed, + Or urge the flying ball?" + +All these would have been, and were, as non-descriptive of him as they +would have been of the lord chancellor of England, with a dark brow +and commanding mien, determining a cause of the first interest to this +country. Added to this, in personal appearance he was most unfavored; +and exemplified the Irish definition of an open countenance--a mouth from +ear to ear. + +Lord Hinchinbroke, from the earliest period of infancy, had all the +marks of the Montagu family. He had a good head, and a red head, and +a Roman nose, and a turn to the _ars amatoria_ of Ovid, and all the +writers who may have written on love. As it was in the beginning--may be +said now. + +Though in point of scholarship he was not in the very first line, the +descendant of Lord Sandwich could not but have ability, and he had it; +but this was so mixed with the wanderings of the heart, the vivacity of +youthful imagination, and a turn to pleasure, that a steady pursuit of +any one object of a literary turn could not be expected. + +But it was his praise that he went far in a short time; sometimes too +far; for Barnard had to exercise himself, and his red right arm, as the +vengeful poet expresses it, very frequently on the latter end of his +lordship's excursions. + +In one of these excursions to Windsor, he had the good or ill fortune to +engage in a little amorous amement with a young lady, the consequence +of ~87~~ which was an application to Lucina for assistance. Of this +doctor Barnard was informed, and though the remedy did not seem tending +towards a cure, he was brought up immediately to be flogged. + +He bore this better than his master, who cried out, after some few +lashes--"Psha! what signifies my flogging him for being like his father? +What's bred in the bone will never get out of the flesh." + +Gibbs. Some men are overtaken by the law, and some few overtake it +themselves. In this small, but happy number, may be placed the name +in question; and a name of better promise, whether of man or boy, can +scarcely be found any where. + +At school he was on the foundation; and though amongst the Collegers, +where the views of future life, and hope of better days, arising from +their own industry, make learning a necessity, yet to that he added the +better qualities of genius and talent. + +As a classical scholar, he was admirable in both languages. As a poet, +he was natural, ready, and yet distinguished. Amongst the best exercises +of the time, his were to be reckoned, and are yet remembered with +praise. For the medals given by Sir John Dalrymple for the best Latin +poem, he was a candidate; but though his production was publicly read +by doctor Forster, and well spoken of, he was obliged to give way to the +superiority of another on that occasion. + +Describing the winding of the Thames through its banks, it had this +beautiful line: + + "_Rodit arundineas facili sinuamine ripas------_" + +Perfect as to the picture, and beautiful as to the flowing of the +poetry. + +He had the good fortune and the good temper to be liked by every body of +his own age; and he was not enough found out of bounds, or trespassing +against "sacred order," to be disliked by those of greater age who were +set over him. + +~88~~ After passing through all the different forms at Eton, he was +removed to Cambridge; where he distinguished himself not less than at +school in trials for different literary honors. + +There he became assistant tutor to Sir Peter Burrell, who then listened +to his instructions, and has not since forgotten them. + +As a tutor, he was somewhat young; but the suavity of his manners took +away the comparison of equality; and his real knowledge rendered him +capable of instructing those who might be even older than himself. + +[Illustration: page088] + + + + +APOLLO'S VISIT TO ETON.{1} + + T'other night, as Apollo was quaffing a gill + With his pupils, the Muses, from Helicon's rill, + (For all circles of rank in Parnassus agree + In preferring cold water to coffee or tea) + The discourse turned as usual on critical matters, + And the last stirring news from the kingdom of letters. + But when poets, and critics, and wits, and what not, + From Jeffery and Byron, to Stoddart and Stott,{2} + Had received their due portion of consideration, + Cried Apollo, "Pray, ladies, how goes education? + For I own my poor brain's been so muddled of late, + In transacting the greater affairs of the state; + And so long every day in the courts I've been stewing, + I've had no time to think what the children were doing. + There's my favorite Byron my presence inviting, + And Milman, and Coleridge, and Moore, have been writing; + And my ears at this moment confoundedly tingle, + From the squabbling of Blackwood with Cleghorn and Pringle: + But as all their disputes seem at length at an end, + And the poets my levee have ceased to attend; + Since the weather's improving, and lengthen'd the days, + For a visit to Eton I'll order my chaise: + + 1 This poem, the reader will perceive, is an humble + imitation of Leigh Hunt's "Feast of the Poets;" and the + lines distinguished by asterisks are borrowed or altered + from the original. + + 2 A writer in "The Morning Post," mentioned by Lord Byron, + in his "English Bards and Scotch Reviewers." + +~90~~ + + There's my sister Diana my day coach to drive, + And I'll send the new Canto to keep you alive. + So my business all settled, and absence supply'd, + For an earthly excursion to-morrow I'll ride." + Thus spoke king Apollo; the Muses assented; + And the god went to bed most bepraised and contented. + 'Twas on Saturday morning, near half past eleven, + When a god, like a devil,4 came driving from heaven, + And with postboys, and footmen, and liveries blazing, + Soon set half the country a gaping and gazing. + When the carriage drove into the Christopher yard, + How the waiters all bustled, and Garraway stared; + And the hostlers and boot-catchers wonder'd, and swore + "They'd ne'er seen such a start in their lifetime before!" + I could tell how, as soon as his chariot drew nigh, + Every cloud disappear'd from the face of the sky; + And the birds in the hedges more tunefully sung, + And the bells in St. George's spontaneously rung; + And the people, all seized with divine inspiration, + Couldn't talk without rhyming and versification. + But such matters, though vastly important, I ween, + Are too long for the limits of your magazine. + + Now it soon got abroad that Apollo was come, + And intended to be, for that evening, "at home;" + And that cards would be issued, and tickets be given, + To all scholars and wits, for a dinner at seven. + So he'd scarcely sat clown, when a legion came pouring + Of would-be-thought scholars, his favor imploring. + First, Buller stept in, with a lengthy oration + About "scandalous usage," and "hard situation:" + And such treatment as never, since Eton was started, + +~91~~ + + Had been shown to a genius, like him, "broken-hearted." + He'd " no doubt but his friends in Parnassus must know + How his fine declamation was laugh'd at below; + And how Keate, like a blockhead ungifted with brains, + Had neglected to grant him a prize for his pains. + He was sure, if such conduct continued much longer, + The school must grow weaker, and indolence stronger; + That the rights of sixth form would be laid in the dust, + And the school after that, he thought, tumble it must. + But he knew that Apollo was learned and wise, + And he hoped that his godship would give him a prize; + Or, at least, to make up for his mortification, + Would invite him to dinner without hesitation." + Now Apollo, it seems, had some little pretence + To a trifling proportion of wisdom and sense: + So without ever asking the spark to be seated, + He thus cut short his hopes, and his projects defeated. + "After all, Mr. Buller, you've deign'd to repeat, + I'm afraid that you'll think me as stupid as Keate: + But to wave all disputes on your talents and knowledge, + Pray what have you done as the captain of college? + Have you patronized learning, or sapping commended? + Have you e'er to your fags, or their studies, attended? + To the school have you given of merit a sample, + And directed by precept, or led by example?" + + ***** + + What Apollo said more I'm forbidden to say, + But Buller dined not at his table that day. + Next, a smart little gentleman march'd with a stare up, + A smoothing his neckcloth, and patting his hair up; + And with bows and grimaces quadrillers might follow, + Said, " he own'd that his face was unknown to Apollo; + +~92~~ + + But he held in hand what must be his apology, + A short treatise he'd written on _British Geology_; + And this journal, he hoped, of his studies last week, + In philosophy, chemistry, logic, and Greek, + Might appear on perusal: but not to go far + In proclaiming his merits--his name was Tom Carr: + And for proofs of his talents, deserts, and what not, + He appeal'd to Miss Baillie, Lord Byron, and Scott." + Here his speech was cut short by a hubbub below, + And in walk'd Messrs. Maturin, Cookesly, and Co., + And begg'd leave to present to his majesty's finger-- + If he'd please to accept--No. 5 of the Linger.{5} + Mr. Maturin "hoped he the columns would view + With unprejudiced judgment, and give them their due, + Nor believe all the lies, which perhaps he had seen, + In that vile publication, that base magazine,{6} + Which had dared to impeach his most chaste lucubrations, + Of obscenity, nonsense, and such accusations. + Nay, that impudent work had asserted downright, + That chalk differ'd from cheese, and that black wasn't white; + But he hoped he might meet with his majesty's favor;" + And thus, hemming and hawing, he closed his palaver. + + Now the god condescended to look at the papers, + But the first word he found in them gave him the vapours: + For the eyes of Apollo, ye gods! 'twas a word + Quite unfit to be written, and more to be heard; + 'Twas a word which a bargeman would tremble to utter, + And it put his poor majesty all in a flutter; + But collecting his courage, his laurels he shook, + And around on the company cast such a look, + That e'en Turin and Dumpling slank off to the door, + And the Lion was far too much frighten'd to roar; + + 5 An Eton periodical of the time. + + 6 The College Magazine. + +~93~~ + + While poor Carr was attack'd with such qualms at the breast, + That he took up his journal, and fled with the rest. + + When the tumult subsided, and peace 'gan to follow, + Goddard enter'd the room, with three cards for Apollo, + And some papers which, hardly five minutes before, + Three respectable gownsmen had left at the door. + With a smile of good humour the god look'd at each, + For he found that they came from Blunt, Chapman, and Neech.{7} + Blunt sent him a treatise of science profound, + Showing how rotten eggs were distinguish'd from sound; + Some "Remarks on Debates," and some long-winded stories, + Of society Whigs, and society Tories; + And six sheets and a half of a sage dissertation, + On the present most wicked and dull generation. + From Chapman came lectures on Monk, and on piety; + On Simeon, and learning, and plays, and sobriety; + With most clear illustrations, and critical notes, + On his own right exclusive of canvassing votes. + From Neech came a medley of prose and of rhyme, + Satires, epigrams, sonnets, and sermons sublime; + But he'd chosen all customs and rules to reverse, + For his satires were prose, and las sermons were verse. + Phoebus look'd at the papers, commended all three, + And sent word he'd be happy to see them to tea. + + The affairs of the morning thus happily o'er, + Phoebus pull'd from his pocket twelve tickets or more, + Which the waiters were ordered forthwith to disperse + 'Mongst the most approved scribblers in prose and in verse: + 'Mongst the gentlemen honor'd with cards, let me see, + There was Howard, and Coleridge, and Wood, and Lavie, + The society's props; Curzon, major and minor, + + 7 Principal contributors to the Etonian. + +~94~~ + + Bowen, Hennicker, Webbe, were invited to dinner: + The theologist Buxton, and Petit, were seen, + And philosopher Jenyns, and Donald Maclean; + Bulteel too, and Dykes; but it happen'd (oh shame!) + That, though many were ask'd, very few of them came. + As for Coleridge, he "knew not what right Phobus had, + d--n me, To set up for a judge in a christian academy; + And he'd not condescend to submit his Latinity, + Nor his verses, nor Greek, to a heathen divinity. + For his part, he should think his advice an affront, + Full as bad as the libels of Chapman and Blunt. + He'd no doubt but his dinner might be very good, + But he'd not go and taste it--be d--d if he would." + + Dean fear'd that his pupils their minds should defile, + And Maclean was engaged to the duke of Argyll; + In a deep fit of lethargy Petit had sunk, + And theologist Buxton with _Bishop_ was drunk; + Bulteel too, and Dykes, much against their own will, + Had been both pre-engaged to a party to mill; + And philosopher Jenyns was bent on his knees, + To electrify spiders, and galvanize fleas. + But the rest all accepted the god's invitation, + And made haste to prepare for this jollification. + + Now the dinner was handsome as dinner could be, + But to tell every dish is too tedious for me; + Such a task, at the best, would be irksome and long, + And, besides, I must haste to the end of my song. + 'Tis enough to relate that, the better to dine, + Jove sent them some nectar, and Bacchus some wine. + From Minerva came olives to crown the dessert, + And from Helicon water was sent most alert, + Of which Howard, 'tis said, drank so long and so deep, + That he almost fell into poetical sleep.{8} + + When the cloth was removed, and the bottle went round, + + "Nec fonte labra prolui C'aballino, + Nec in bicipiti sommasse Parnasso." + Persius. + +~95~~ + + Wit, glee, and good humour, began to abound, + Though Lord Chesterfield would not have call'd them polite, + For they all often burst into laughter outright. + + ***** + + But swift flew the moments of rapture and glee, + And too early, alas! they were summon'd to tea. + With looks most demure, each prepared with a speech, + At the table were seated Blunt, Chapman, and Neech. + Phobus stopt their orations, with dignity free, + And with easy politeness shook hands with all three; + And the party proceeded, increased to a host, + To discuss bread and butter, tea, coffee, and toast. + As their numbers grew larger, more loud grew their mirth, + And Apollo from heav'n drew its raptures to earth: + With divine inspiration he kindled each mind, + Till their wit, like their sugar, grew double refined; + And an evening, enliven'd by conviviality, + Proved how much they were pleased by the god's hospitality. + + Thalia.{9} + + 9 This poem is attributed to J. Moultrie, Esq. of Trinity + college, Cambridge. + +[Illustration: page095] + +[Illustration: page093] + + + + +ETON MONTEM. + + Stand by, old Cant, while I admire + The young and gay, with souls of fire, + Unloose the cheerful heart. + Hence with thy puritanic zeal; + True virtue is to grant and feel-- + A bliss thou'lt ne'er impart. + +I love thee, Montem,--love thee, by all the brightest recollections +of my youth, for the inspiring pleasures which thy triennial pageant +revives in my heart: joined with thy merry throng, I can forget the +cares and disappointments of the world; and, tripping gaily with the +light-hearted, youthful band, cast off the gloom of envy and of worldly +pursuit, reassociating myself with the joyous scenes of my boyhood. Nay, +more, I hold thee in higher veneration than ever did antiquarian worship +the relics of _virtu_. + +[Illustration: page094] + +~97~~ + +Destruction light upon the impious hand that would abridge thy ancient +charter;--be all thy children, father Etona, doubly-armed to defend +thy ancient honors;--let no modern Goth presume to violate thy sacred +rights; but to the end of time may future generations retain the spirit +of thy present race; and often as the happy period comes, new pleasures +wait upon the Eton Montem.{1} + + 1 The ancient custom, celebrated at Eton every third year, + on Whit-Tuesday, and which bears the title of The Montem, + appears to have defied antiquarian research, as far as + relates to its original institution. It consiste of a + procession to a small tumulus on the southern side of the + Bath road, which has given the name of Salt-Hill to the + spot, now better known by the splendid inns that are + established there. The chief object of this celebration, + however, is to collect money for salt, according to the + language of the day, from all persons who assemble to see + the show, nor does it fail to be exacted from travellers on + the road, and even at the private residences within a + certain, but no inconsiderable, range of the spot. The + scholars appointed to collect the money are called _salt- + bearers_; they are arrayed in fancy dresses, and are + attended by others called scouts, of a similar, but less + showy appearance. Tickets are given to such persons as have + paid their contributions, to secure them from any further + demand. This ceremony is always very numerously attended by + Etonians, and has frequently been honored with the presence + of his late Majesty, and the different branches of the Royal + Family. The sum collected on the occasion has sometimes + exceeded 800L., and is given to the senior scholar, who is + called Captain of the School. This procession appears to be + coeval with the foundation; and it is the opinion of Mr. + Lysons, that it was a ceremonial of the Bairn, or Boy- + Bishop. He states, that it originally took place on the 6th + of December, the festival of St. Nicholas, the patron of + children; being the day on which it was customary at + Salisbury, and in other places where the ceremony was + observed, to elect the Boy-Bishop from among the children + belonging to the cathedral. This mock dignity lasted till + Innocents' day; and, during the intermediate time, the boy + performed various episcopal functions. If it happened that + he died before the allotted period of this extraordinary + mummery had expired, he was buried with all the ceremonials + which were used at the funerals of prelates. In the + voluminous collections relating to antiquities, bequeathed + by Mr. Cole, who was himself of Eton and King's colleges, to + the British Museum, is a note which + +~98~~ + + mentions that the ceremony of the Bairn or Boy-Bishop was to + be observed by charter, and that Geoffry Blythe, Bishop of + Lichfield, who died in 1530, bequeathed several ornaments + to those colleges, for the dress of the bairn-bishop. But on + what authority this industrious antiquary gives the + information, which, if correct, would put an end to all + doubt on the subject, does not appear. But, after all, why + may not this custom be supposed to have originated in a + procession to perform an annual mass at the altar of some + saint, to whom a small chapel might have been dedicated on + the mount called Salt-Hill; a ceremony very common in + Catholic countries, as such an altar is a frequent appendage + to their towns and populous villages? As for the selling of + salt, it may be considered as a natural accompaniment, when + its emblematical character, as to its use in the ceremonies + of the Roman Church, is contemplated. Till the time of + Doctor Barnard, the procession of the Montem was every two + years, and on the first or second Tuesday in February. It + consisted of something of a military array. The boys in the + remove, fourth, and inferior forms, marched in a long file + of two and two, with white poles in their hands, while the + sixth and fifth form boys walked on their flanks as + officers, and habited in all the variety of dress, each of + them having a boy of the inferior forms, smartly equipped, + attending on him as a footman. The second boy in the school + led the procession in a military dress, with a truncheon in + his hand, and bore for the day the title of Marshal: then + followed the Captain, supported by his Chaplain, the head + scholar of the fifth form, dressed in a suit of black, with + a large bushy wig, and a broad beaver decorated with a + twisted silk hatband and rose, the fashionable distinction + of the dignified clergy of that day. It was his office to + read certain Latin prayers on the mount at Salt-Hill The + third boy of the school brought up the rear as Lieutenant. + One of the higher classes, whose qualification was his + activity, was chosen Ensign, and carried the colours, which + were emblazoned with the college arms, and the motto, _Pro + mort el monte_. This flag, before the procession left the + college, he flourished in the school-yard with all the + dexterity displayed at Astley's and places of similar + exhibition. The same ceremony was repeated after prayers, on + the mount. The regiment dined in the inns at Salt-Hill, and + then returned to the college; and its dismission in the + school-yard was announced by the universal drawing of all + the swords. Those who bore the title of commissioned + officers were exclusively on the foundation, and carried + spontoons; the rest were considered as Serjeants and + corporals, and a most curious assemblage of figures they + exhibited. The two principal salt-bearers consisted of an + oppidan and a colleger: the former was generally some + nobleman, whose figure and personal connexions might advance + the interests of the collections. They were dressed like + running footmen, and carried, each of them, a silk bag to + receive the contributions, in which was a small quantity of + salt. During Doctor Barnard's mastership, the ceremony was + made triennial, the time changed from February to Whit- + Tuesday, and several of its absurdities retrenched. An + ancient and savage custom of hunting a ram by the foundation + scholars, on Saturday in the election week, was abolished in + the earlier part of the last century. The curious twisted + clubs with which these collegiate hunters were armed on the + occasion are still to be seen in antiquarian collections. + +~99~~ + +What coronation, tournament, or courtly pageant, can outshine thy +splendid innocence and delightful gaiety? what regal banquet yields half +the pure enjoyment the sons of old Etona experience, when, after +months of busy preparation, the happy morn arrives ushered in with the +inspiring notes of "_Auld lang syne_" from the well-chosen band in the +college breakfast-room? Then, too, the crowds of admiring spectators, +the angel host of captivating beauties with their starry orbs of light, +and luxuriant tresses, curling in playful elegance around a face +beaming with divinity, or falling in admired negligence over bosoms of +alabastrine whiteness and unspotted purity within! Grey-bearded wisdom +and the peerless great, the stars of honor in the field and state, +the pulpit and the bar, send forth their brightest ornaments to grace +Etona's holiday. Oxford and Cambridge, too, lend their classic aid, +and many a grateful son of _Alma Mater_ returns to acknowledge his +obligations to his early tutors and swell the number of the mirthful +host. Here may be seen, concentrated in the quadrangle, the costume of +every nation, in all the gay variety that fancy can devise: the Persian +spangled robe, and the embroidered Greek vest; the graceful Spanish, and +the picturesque Italian, the Roman toga and the tunic, and the rich old +English suit. Pages in red frocks, and marshals in their satin 100~~ +doublets; white wands and splendid turbans, plumes, and velvet hats, +all hastening with a ready zeal to obey the call of the muster-roll. The +captain with his retinue retires to pay his court to the provost; while, +in the doctor's study, may be seen, gathered around the dignitary, a few +of those great names who honor Eton and owe their honor to her classic +tutors. Twelve o'clock strikes, and the procession is now marshalled in +the quadrangle in sight of the privileged circle, princes, dukes, peers, +and doctors with their ladies. Here does the ensign first display his +skill in public, and the Montem banner is flourished in horizontal +revolutions about the head and waist with every grace of elegance and +ease which the result of three months' practice and no little strength +can accomplish. + +Twelve o'clock strikes, and the procession moves forward to the playing +fields on its route to Salt-Hill. Now look the venerable spires and +antique towers of Eton like to some chieftain's baronial castle in the +feudal times, and the proud captain represents the hero marching forth +at the head of his parti-coloured vassals! + +The gallant display of rank and fashion and beauty follow in their +splendid equipages by slow progressive movement, like the delightful +lingering, inch by inch approach to St. James's palace on a full +court-day. The place itself is calculated to impress the mind with +sentiments of veneration and of heart-moving reminiscences; seated in +the bosom of one of the richest landscapes in the kingdom, where on +the height majestic Windsor lifts its royal brow; calmly magnificent, +over-looking, from his round tower, the surrounding country, and waving +his kingly banner in the air: 'tis the high court of English chivalry, +the birth-place, the residence, and the mausoleum of her kings, and +"i' the olden time," the prison of her captured monarchs. "At once, the +sovereign's and ~101~~ the muses' seat," rich beyond almost any +other district in palaces, and fanes, and villas, in all the "pomp of +patriarchal forests," and gently-swelling hills, and noble streams, and +waving harvests; there Denham wrote, and Pope breathed the soft note of +pastoral inspiration; and there too the immortal bard of Avon chose +the scene in which to wind the snares of love around his fat-encumbered +knight. Who can visit the spot without thinking of Datchet mead and the +buck-basket of sweet Anne Page and Master Slender, and mine host of the +Garter, and all the rest of that merry, intriguing crew? And now having +reached the foot of the mount and old druidical barrow, the flag is +again waved amid the cheers of the surrounding thousands who line its +sides, and in their carriages environ its ancient base.{2} Now the +salt-bearers and the pages bank their collections in one common stock, +and the juvenile band partake of the captain's banquet, and drink +success to his future prospects in Botham's port. Then, too, old +Herbertus Stockhore--he must not be forgotten; I have already introduced +him to your notice in p. 59, and my friend Bob Transit has illustrated +the sketch with his portrait; yet here he demands notice in his official +character, and perhaps I cannot do better than quote the humorous +account given of him by the elegant pen of an old Etonian {3} + +"Who is that buffoon that travesties the travesty? Who is that old +cripple alighted from his donkey-cart, who dispenses doggrel and +grimaces in all the glory of plush and printed calico?" + +"That, my most noble cynic, is a prodigious personage. Shall birth-days +and coronations be recorded in immortal odes, and Montem not have its +minstrel 1 He, sir, is Herbertus Stockhore; who first called upon his +muse in the good old days of Paul Whitehead,-- + + 2 See plate of the Montem, sketched on the spot. + + 3 See Knight's Quarterly Magazine, No. II. + +~102~~ run a race with Pye through all the sublimities of lyres and +fires,--and is now hobbling to his grave, after having sung fourteen +Montems, the only existing example of a legitimate laureate. + +"He ascended his heaven of invention, before the vulgar arts of reading +and writing, which are banishing all poetry from the world, could clip +his wings. He was an adventurous soldier in his boyhood; but, having +addicted himself to matrimony and the muses, settled as a bricklayer's +labourer at Windsor. His meditations on the house-tops soon grew into +form and substance; and, about the year 1780, he aspired, with all the +impudence of Shad well, and a little of the pride of Petrarch, to the +laurel-crown of Eton. From that day he has worn his honors on his +'Cibberian forehead' without a rival." + +"And what is his style of composition?" + +"Vastly naive and original;--though the character of the age is +sometimes impressed upon his productions. For the first three odes, ere +the school of Pope was extinct, he was a compiler of regular couplets +such as-- + + 'Ye dames of honor and lords of high renown, + Who come to visit us at Eton town.'" + +During the next nine years, when the remembrance of Collins and Gray was +working a glorious change in the popular mind, he ascended to Pindarics, +and closed his lyrics with some such pious invocation as this:-- + + 'And now we'll sing + God save the king, + + And send him long to reign, + That he may come + To have some fun + At Montem once again. ' + +During the first twelve years of the present century, the influence of +the Lake school was visible in his ~103~~ productions. In my great +work I shall give an elaborate dissertation on his imitations of the +high-priests of that worship; but I must now content myself with a single +illustration:-- + + 'There's ensign Ronnell, tall and proud, + Doth stand upon the hill, + And waves the flag to all the crowd, + Who much admire his skill. + And here I sit upon my ass, + Who lops his shaggy ears; + Mild thing! he lets the gentry pass, + Nor heeds the carriages and peel's.' + +He was once infected (but it was a venial sin) by the heresies of the +cockney school; and was betrayed, by the contagion of evil example, into +the following conceits: + +'Behold admiral Keato of the terrestrial crew, Who teaches Greek, Latin, +and likewise Hebrew; He has taught Captain Dampier, the first in the +race, Swirling his hat with a feathery grace, Cookson the marshal, +and Willoughby, of size, Making minor serjeant-majors in looking-glass +eyes.' + +But he at length returned to his own pure and original style; and, like +the dying swan, he sings the sweeter as he is approaching the land where +the voice of his minstrelsy shall no more be heard. There is a calm +melancholy in the close of his present ode which is very pathetic, and +almost Shakspearian:-- + + 'Farewell you gay and happy throng! + Farewell my muse! farewell my song! + Farewell Salt-hill! farewell brave captain.' + +Yet, may it be long before he goes hence and is no more seen! May he +limp, like his rhymes, for at least a dozen years; for National schools +have utterly annihilated our hopes of a successor!" + +"I will not attempt to reason with you," said the inquirer, "about +the pleasures of Montem;--but to an ~104~~ Etonian it is enough that it +brings pure and ennobling recollections--calls up associations of hope +and happiness--and makes even the wise feel that there is something +better than wisdom, and the great that there is something nobler than +greatness. And then the faces that come about us at such a time, with +their tales of old friendships or generous rivalries. I have seen to-day +fifty fellows of whom I remember only the nick-names;--they are now +degenerated into scheming M.P.'s, or clever lawyers, or portly doctors; +-but at Montera they leave the plodding world of reality for one day, +and regain the dignities of sixth-form Etonians." {4} + + 4 To enumerate all the distinguished persons educated at + Eton would be no easy task; many of the greatest ornaments + of our country have laid the foundation of all their + literary and scientific wealth within the towers of this + venerable edifice. Bishops Fleetwood and Pearson, the + learned John Hales, Dr. Stanhope, Sir Robert Walpole, the + great Earl Camden, Outred the mathematician, Boyle the + philosopher, Waller the poet, the illustrious Earl of + Chatham, Lord Lyttelton, Gray the poet, and an endless list + of shining characters have owned Eton for their scholastic + nursery: not to mention the various existing literati who + have received their education at this celebrated college. + The local situation of Eton is romantic and pleasing; there + is a monastic gloom about the building, finely contrasting + with the beauty of the surrounding scenery, which + irresistibly enchains the eye and heart. + +[Illustration: page105] + +~105~~ + + + + +FAREWELL TO ETON. + +Horatio had just concluded the last sentence of the description of the +Eton Montem, when my aunt, who had now exceeded her usual retiring time +by at least half an hour, made a sudden start, upon hearing the chimes +of the old castle clock proclaim a notice of the midnight hour. +"Heavens! boy," said Lady Mary Oldstyle, "what rakes we are! I believe +we must abandon all intention of inviting your friend Bernard here; +for should his conversation prove half as entertaining as these +miscellaneous whims and scraps of his early years, we should, I fear, +often encroach upon the midnight lamp." "You forget, aunt," replied +Horatio, "that the swallow has already commenced his spring habitation +beneath the housings of our bed-room window, that the long summer +evenings will soon be here, and then how delightful would be the society +of an intelligent friend to accompany us in our evening perambulations +through the park, to chat away half an hour with in the hermitage, or to +hold converse on your favourite subject botany, and run through all the +varieties of the _camelia japonica_, or the _magnolia fuscata_; then +too, I will confess, my own selfishness in the proposition, the pleasure +of my friend's company in my fishing excursions, would divest my +favourite amusement of its solitary character." ~106~~ My aunt nodded +assent, drew the cowl of her ancient silk cloak over the back part +of her head, and, with a half-closed eye, muttered out, in tones of +sympathy, her fullest accordance in the proposed arrangement. "I have +only one more trifle to read," said Horatio, "before I conclude the +history of our school-boy days." "We had better have the bed-candles," +said my aunt. "You had better hear the conclusion, aunt," said +Horatio, "and then we can commence the English Spy with the evening +of to-morrow." My aunt wanted but little excitement to accede to the +request, and that little was much exceeded in the promise of Horatio's +reading Bernard's new work on the succeeding evening, when she had +calculated on being left in solitary singleness by her nephew's visit to +the county ball. "You must know, aunt," said Horatio, "that it has been +a custom, from time immemorial at Eton, for every scholar to write a +farewell ode on his leaving, which is presented to the head master, and +is called a Vale; in addition, some of the most distinguished characters +employ first-rate artists to paint their portraits, which, as a tribute +of respect, they present to the principal. Dr. Barnard had nearly a +hundred of these grateful faces hanging in his sanctum sanctorum, +and the present master bids fair to rival his learned and respected +predecessor. ~107~~ My friend's Vale, like every other production of +his pen, is marked by the distinguishing characteristic eccentricity of +his mind. The idea, I suspect, was suggested by the Earl of Carlisle's +elegant verses, to which he has previously alluded; you will perceive +he has again touched upon the peculiarities of his associates, the +_dramatis persono_ of 'the English Spy,' and endeavoured, in prophetic +verse, to unfold the secrets of futurity, as it relates to their +dispositions, prospects, and pursuits in life." + +[Illustration: page107] + + + + +MY VALE. + + In infancy oft' by observance we trace + What life's future page may unfold; + Who the senate, the bar, or the pulpit may grace, + + Who'll obtain wreathe of fame or of gold. + My Vale, should my muse prove but willing and free, + + Parting sorrows to chase from my brain, + Shall in metre prophetic, on some two or three, + + Indulge in her whimsical vein. + First Keate let me give to thy talents and worth, + + A tribute that all will approve; + When Atropos shall sever thy life's thread on earth + + Thou shalt fall rich in honor and love. + Revered as respected thy memory last, + +~108~~ + + Long, long, as Etona is known, + Engraved on the hearts of thy scholars, the blast + + Of detraction ne'er sully thy stone. + Others too I could name and as worthy of note, + + But my Vale 'twould too lengthy extend: + Sage _Domine_ all,--all deserving my vote, + Who the tutor combine with the friend. + But a truce with these ancients, the young I must seek, + + The juvenile friends of my heart, + Of secrets hid in futurity speak, + + And tell how they'll each play their part. + First Heartly, the warmth of thy generous heart + + Shall expand with maturity's years; + New joys to the ag'd and the poor thou'lt impart, + + And dry up pale Misery's tears. + Next honest Tom Echo, the giddy and gay, + + In sports shall all others excel; + And the sound of his horn, with "Ho! boys, hark--away!" + Re-echo his worth through life's dell. + +~109~~ + + Horace Eglantine deep at Pierian spring + Inspiration poetic shall quaff, + In numbers majestic with Shakespeare to sing, + + Or in Lyrics with Pindar to laugh. + Little Gradus, sage Dick, you'll a senator see, + + But a lawyer in every sense, + Whose personal interest must paramount be, + + No matter whate'er his pretence. + The exquisite Lilyman Lionise mark, + + Of fashion the fool and the sport; + With the gamesters a dupe, he shall drop like a spark, + + Forgot by the blaze of the court. + Bob Transit,--if prudent, respected and rich + + By his talent shall rise into note; + And in Fame's honor'd temple be sure of a niche, + + By each R.A.'s unanimous vote. + Bernard Blackmantle's fortune alone is in doubt, + + For prophets ne'er tell of themselves; + But one thing his heart has a long time found out, + +~110~~ + + 'Tis his love for Etonian elves. + For the college, and dames, and the dear playing fields + + Where science and friendship preside, + For the spot which the balm of true happiness yields, + + As each day by its fellow doth glide. + Adieu, honor'd masters! kind dames, fare thee well! + + Ye light-hearted spirits adieu! + How feeble my Vale--my griev'd feelings to tell + As Etona declines from my view. + +[Illustration: page109] + +[Illustration: page111] + +~112~~ + + "Men are my subject, and not fictions vain; + Oxford my chaunt, and satire is my strain." + +[Illustration: page112] + + + + +FIVE CHARACTERISTIC ORDERS OF OXFORD. + +[Illustration: page113] + +~113~~ + + + + +THE FRESHMAN. + + Reflections on leaving Eton--A University Whip--Sketches on + the Road--The Joneses of Jesus--Picturesque Appearance of + Oxford from the Distance--The Arrival--Welcome of an Old + Etonian--Visit to Dr. Dingyman--A University Don-- + Presentation to the Big Wig--Ceremony of Matriculation. + + "Yes; if there be one sacred scene of ease, + Where reason yet may dawn, and virtue please; + Where ancient science bursts again to view + With mightier truths, which Athens never knew, + One spot to order, peace, religion dear; + Rise, honest pride, nor blush to claim it here." + + +Who shall attempt to describe the sensations of a young and ardent mind +just bursting from the trammels of scholastic discipline to breathe the +purer air of classic freedom--to leap at once from ~114~~ boyhood and +subjection into maturity and unrestricted liberty of conduct; or who can +paint the heart's agitation, the conflicting passions which prevail when +the important moment arrives that is to separate him from the associates +of his infancy; from the endearing friendships of his earliest years; +from his schoolboy sports and pastimes (often the most grateful +recollections of a riper period); or from those ancient spires and +familiar scenes to which his heart is wedded in its purest and earliest +love. + +Reader, if you have ever tasted of the delightful cup of youthful +friendship, and pressed with all the glow of early and sincere +attachment the venerable hand of a kind instructor, or met the wistful +eye and hearty grasp of parting schoolfellows, and ancient dames, and +obliging servants, you will easily discover how embarrassing a task +it must be to depict in words the agitating sensations which at such a +moment spread their varied influence over the mind. I had taken care to +secure the box seat of the old Oxford, that on my approach I might enjoy +an uninterrupted view of the classic turrets and lofty spires of sacred +{Academus}. Contemplation had fixed his seal upon my young lips for the +first ten miles of my journey. Abstracted and thoughtful, I had scarce +turned my eye to admire the beauties of the surrounding scenery, or lent +my ear to the busy hum of my fellow passengers' conversation, when a +sudden action of the coach, which produced a sensation of alarm, first +broke the gloomy mist that had encompassed me. After my fears had +subsided, I inquired of the coachman what was the name of the place we +had arrived at, and was answered Henley.-"Stony Henley, sir," said our +driver: "you might have discovered that by the _bit of a shake_ we just +now experienced. I'll bet a _bullfinch_{1} that you know the place well +enough, my young master, before you've been two terms at Oxford." + + 1 A sovereign. + +~115~~ + +This familiarity of style struck me as deserving reprehension; but I +reflected this classic Jehu was perhaps licensed by the light-hearted +sons of _Alma Mater_ in these liberties of speech. Suspending therefore +my indignation, I proceeded,--"And why so?" said I inquisitively:--"Why +I know when I was an under graduate{2} of ----, where my father +was principal, I used to keep a good _prad_ here for a bolt to the +village,{3} and then I had a fresh hack always on the road to help me +back to chapel prayers."{4} The nonchalance of the speaker, and the +easy indifference with which he alluded to his former situation in life, +struck me with astonishment, and created a curiosity to know more of his +adventures; he had, I found, brought himself to his present degradation +by a passion for gaming and driving, which had usurped every just +and moral feeling. His father, I have since learned, felt his conduct +deeply, and had been dead some time. His venerable mother having +advanced him all her remaining property, was now reduced to a dependence +upon the benevolence of a few liberal-minded Oxford friends, and this +son of the once celebrated head of--------college was now so lost +to every sense of shame that he preferred the Oxford road to exhibit +himself on in his new character of a {university whip}. + + 2 The circumstances here narrated are unfortunately too + notorious to require further explanation: the character, + drawn from the life, forms the vignette to this chapter. + + 3 A cant phrase for a stolen run to the metropolis. No + unusual circumstance with a gay Oxonian, some of whom have + been known to ride the same horse the whole distance and + back again after prayers, and before daylight the next + morning. + + 4 When (to use the Oxford phrase) a man is confined to + chapel, or compelled to attend chapel prayers, it is a + dangerous risk to be missing,--a severe imposition and + sometimes rustication is sure to be the penalty. + +~116~~ Immediately behind me on the roof of the vehicle sat a +rosy-looking little gentleman, the rotundity of whose figure proclaimed +him a man of some substance; he was habited in a suit of clerical +mixture, with the true orthodox hat and rosette in front, the broadness +of its brim serving to throw a fine mellow shadow over the upper part of +a countenance, which would have formed a choice study for the luxuriant +pencil of some modern Rubens; the eyes were partially obscured in the +deep recesses of an overhanging brow, and a high fat cheek, and the +whole figure brought to my recollection a representation I had somewhere +seen of Silenus reproving his Bacchanals: the picture was the more +striking by the contrasted subjects it was opposed to: on one side was +a spare-looking stripling, of about the age of eighteen, with lank hair +brushed smoothly over his forehead, and a demure, half-idiot-looking +countenance, that seemed to catch what little expression it had from the +reflection of its sire, for such I discovered was the ancient's affinity +to this cadaverous importation from North Wales. The father, a Welsh +rector of at least one hundred and fifty pounds per annum, was conveying +his eldest born to the care of the principal of Jesus, of which college +the family of the Joneses{5} had been a leading name since the time +of their great ancestor Hugh ap Price, son of Rees ap Rees, a wealthy +burgess of Brecknock, who founded this college for the sole use of the +sons of Cambria, in 1571. + + 5 DAVID JONES OR, WINE AND WORSTED. + + Hugh Morgan, cousin of that Hugh + Whose cousin was, the Lord knows who, + Was likewise, as the story runs, + Tenth cousin of one David Jones. + David, well stored with classic knowledge, + Was sent betimes to Jesus College; + Paternal bounty left him clear + For life one hundred pounds a year; + And Jones was deem'd another Croesus + Among the Commoners of Jesus. + It boots not here to quote tradition, + In proof of David's erudition;-- + He could unfold the mystery high, + Of Paulo-posts, and verbs in u; + Scan Virgil, and, in mathematics, + Prove that straight lines were not quadratics. + All Oxford hail'd the youth's _ingressus_, + And wond'ring Welshmen cried "Cot pless us!" + It happen'd that his cousin Hugh + Through Oxford pass'd, to Cambria due, + And from his erudite relation + Receiv'd a written invitation. + +~117~~ + + Hugh to the college gate repair'd, + And ask'd for Jones;--the porter stared! + "Jones! Sir," quoth he, "discriminate: + Of Mr. Joneses there be eight." + "Ay, but 'tis David Jones," quoth Hugh; + Quoth porter, "We've six Davids too." + "Cot's flesh!" cries Morgan, "cease your mockings, + My David Jones wears worsted stockings!" + Quoth porter, "Which it is, Heaven knows, + For all the eight wear worsted hose." + "My Cot!" says Hugh, "I'm ask'd to dine + With cousin Jones, and quaff his wine." + "That one word 'wine' is worth a dozen," + Quoth porter, "now I know your cousin; + The wine has stood you, sir, in more stead + Than David, or the hose of worsted; + You'll find your friend at number nine-- + We've but one Jones that quaffs his wine." + +All these particulars I gleaned from the rapid delivery of the Welsh +rector, who betrayed no little anxiety to discover if I was of the +university; how long I had been matriculated; what was my opinion of the +schools, and above all, if the same system of extravagance was pursued +by the students, and under-graduates. Too cautious to confess myself a +freshman, I was therefore compelled to close the inquiry with a simple +negative to his early questions, and an avowal of my ignorance in the +last particular. The deficiency was, however, readily supplied by an old +gentleman, who sat on the other side of the reverend Mr. Jones. I had +taken ~118~~ him, in the first instance, for a doctor of laws, physic, +or divinity, by the studied neatness of his dress, the powdered head, +and ancient appendage of a _queue_; with a measured manner of delivery, +joined to an affected solemnity of carriage, and authoritative style. +He knew every body, from the Vice-Chancellor to the scout; ran through +a long tirade against driving and drinking, which he described as the +capital sins of the sons of _Alma Mater_, complimented the old rector +on his choice of a college for his son, and concluded with lamenting the +great extravagance of the young men of the present day, whose affection +for long credit compelled honest tradesmen to make out long bills to +meet the loss of interest they sustain by dunning and delay. "Observe, +sir," said he, + + "The youth of England in our happy age! + See, to their view what varied pleasure springs, + Cards, tennis, hilliards, and ten thousand things; + 'Tis theirs the coat with neater grace to wear, + Or tie the neckcloth with a royal air: + The rapid race of wild expense to run; + To drive the tandem or the chaise and one; + To float along the Isis, or to fly + In haste to Abingdon,--who knows not why? + To gaze in shops, and saunter hours away + In raising bills, they never think to pay: + Then deep carouse, and raise their glee the more, + While angry duns assault th' unheeding door, + And feed the best old man that ever trod, + The merry poacher who defies his God." + +"You forget the long purses, Sir E--," said our classical Jehu, "which +some of the Oxford tradesmen have acquired by these long practices +of the university, Sir E--." The little Welsh rector bowed with +astonishment, while his rustic scion stared with wild alarm to find +himself for the first time in his life in company with a man of title. A +wink from coachee accompanied with an action of his _rein angle_ against +my side, followed by a suppressed laugh, prepared me ~119~~ for some +important communications relative to my fellow traveller. "An old +_snyder_,"{6} whispered Jehu, "who was once mayor of Oxford, and they do +say was knighted by mistake,--' a thing of shreds and patches,' + + 'Who, by short skirts and little capes, + Items for buckram, twist, and tapes, ' + +has, in his time, fine drawn half the university; but having retired +from the seat of trade, now seeks the seat of the Muses, and writes +fustian rhymes and bell-men's odes at Christmas time: a mere clod, but a +great man with the corporation." + +We had now arrived on the heights within a short distance of the city +of Oxford, and I had the gratification for the first time to obtain a +glance of sacred _Academus_ peeping from between the elm groves in which +she is embowered, to view those turrets which were to be the future +scene of all my hopes and fears. Never shall I forget the sensations, + + "----When first these glistening eyes survey'd + Majestic Oxford's hundred towers display'd; + And silver Isis rolling at her feet + Adorn the sage's and the poet's seat: + Saw Radcliffe's dome in classic beauty rear'd, + And learning's stores in Bodley's pile revered; + First view'd, with humble awe, the steps that stray'd + Slow in the gloom of academic shade, + Or framed in thought, with fancy's magic wand, + Wise Bacon's arch; thy bower, fair Rosamond." + +In the bosom of a delightful valley, surrounded by the most luxuriant +meadows, and environed by gently swelling hills, smiling in all the +pride of cultivated beauty, on every side diversified by hanging wood, +stands the fair city of learning and the arts. The two great roads +from the capital converge upon the small church of St. Clement, in the +eastern suburb, from whence, advancing in a westerly direction, you +~120~~ arrive at Magdalen bridge, so named from the college +adjoining, whose lofty graceful tower is considered a fine specimen of +architecture. The prospect of the city from this point is singularly +grand and captivating; on the left, the botanical garden, with its +handsome portal; beyond, steeples and towers of every varied form +shooting up in different degrees of elevation. The view of the +High-street is magnificent, and must impress the youthful mind with +sentiments of awe and veneration. Its picturesque curve and expansive +width, the noble assemblage of public and private edifices in all the +pride of varied art, not rising in splendid uniformity, but producing an +enchantingly varied whole, the entire perspective of which admits of no +European rival-- + + "The awful tow'rs which seem for science made; + The solemn chapels, which to prayer invite, + Whose storied windows shed a holy light--" + +the colleges of Queen's and All Souls', with the churches of St. Mary +and All Saints' on the northern side of the street, and the venerable +front of University College on the south, present at every step objects +for contemplation and delight. Whirling up this graceful curvature, we +alighted at the Mitre, an inn in the front of the High-street, inclining +towards Carfax. A number of under graduates in their academicals were +posted round the door, or lounging on the opposite side, to watch the +arrival of the coach, and amuse themselves with quizzing the passengers. +Among the foremost of the group, and not the least active, was my old +schoolfellow and con, Tom Echo, now of Christ Church. The recognition +was instantaneous; the welcome a hearty one, in the true Etonian style; +and the first connected sentence an invitation to dinner. "I shall make +a party on purpose to introduce you, old chap," said Tom, "that is, +~121~~ as soon as you have made your bow to the _big wig_:{7} but I say, +old fellow, where are you entered 1 we are most of us overflowingly full +here." I quickly satisfied his curiosity upon that point, by informing +him I had been for some time enrolled upon the list of the foundation +of Brazennose, and had received orders to come up and enter myself. Our +conversation now turned upon the necessary ceremonies of matriculation. + +Tom's face was enlivened to a degree when I showed him my letter of +introduction to Dr. Dingyman, of L-n college. "What, the opposition +member, the Oxford Palladio? Why, you might just as well expect to move +the Temple of the Winds from Athens to Oxford, without displacing +a fragment, as to hope the doctor will present you to the +vice-chancellor.--It won't do. We must find you some more tractable +personage; some good-humoured nob that stands well with the principals, +tells funny stories to their ladies, and drinks his three bottles like +a true son of orthodoxy." "For Heaven's sake! my dear fellow, if you +do not wish to be pointed at, booked for an eccentric, or suspected of +being profound, abandon all intention of being introduced through +that medium. A first interview with that singular man will produce an +examination that would far exceed the perils of the _great go_{8}-he +will try your proficiency by the chart and scale of truth." "Be that as +it may, Tom," said I, not a little alarmed by the account I had heard of +the person to whom I was to owe my first introduction to alma mater, +"I shall make the attempt; and should I fail, I shall yet hope to avail +myself of your proffered kindness." + + 7 A BIG WIG. Head of a college. + A DON. A learned man. + A NOB. A fellow of a college. + + 8 The principal examining school. + +~122~~ + +After partaking of some refreshment, and adjusting my dress, we sallied +forth to lionise, as Tom called it, which is the Oxford term for gazing +about, usually applied to strangers. Proceeding a little way along the +high street from the Mitre, and turning up the first opening on our left +hand, we stood before the gateway of Lincoln college. Here Tom shook +hands, wished me a safe passport through what he was pleased to term the +"_Oxonia purgata_" and left me, after receiving my promise to join the +dinner party at Christ Church. + +I had never felt so awkwardly in my life before: the apprehensions I +was under of a severe examination; the difficulty of encountering a man +whose superior learning and endowments of mind had rendered him the envy +of the University, and above all, his reputed eccentricity of manners, +created fears that almost palsied my tongue when I approached the hall +to announce my arrival. If my ideas of the person had thus confounded +me, my terrors were doubly increased upon entering his chamber: shelves +groaning with ponderous folios and quartos of the most esteemed Latin +and Greek authors, fragments of Grecian and Roman architecture, were +disposed around the room; on the table lay a copy of Stuart's Athens, +with a portfolio of drawings from Palladio and Vitruvius, and Pozzo's +perspective. In a moment the doctor entered, and, advancing towards me, +seized my hand before I could scarcely articulate my respects. "I am +glad to see you--be seated--you are of Eton, I read, an ancient name +and highly respected here--what works have you been lately reading?" I +immediately ran through the list of our best school classics, at which +I perceived the doctor smiled. "You have been treated, I perceive, +like all who have preceded you: the bigotry of scholastic prejudices is +intolerable. I have been for fifty years labouring to remove the veil, +and have yet contrived ~123~~ to raise only one corner of it. Nothing," +continued the doctor, "has stinted the growth and hindered the +improvement of sound learning more than a superstitious reverence for +the ancients; by which it is presumed that their works form the summit +of all learning, and that nothing can be added to their discoveries. +Under this absurd and ridiculous prejudice, all the universities of +Europe have laboured for many years, and are only just beginning to see +their error, by the encouragement of natural philosophy. Experimental +learning is the only mode by which the juvenile mind should be trained +and exercised, in order to bring all its faculties to their proper +action: instead of being involved in the mists of antiquity." Can it be +possible, thought I, this is the person of whom my friend Tom gave +such a curious account? Can this be the man who is described as a being +always buried in abstracted thoughtfulness on the architer cural remains +of antiquity, whose opinions are said never to harmonize with those of +other heads of colleges; who is described as eccentric, because he has a +singular veneration for truth, and an utter abhorrence of the dogmas +of scholastic prejudice 1 There are some few characters in the most +elevated situations of life, who possess the amiable secret of attaching +every one to them who have the honour of being admitted into their +presence, without losing one particle of dignity, by their courteous +manner. This agreeable qualification the doctor appeared to possess in +an eminent degree. I had not been five minutes in his company before +I felt as perfectly unembarrassed as if I had known him intimately for +twelve months. It could not be the result of confidence on my part, for +no poor fellow ever felt more abashed upon a first entrance; and must +therefore only be attributable to that indescribable condescension of +easy intercourse which is the sure characteristic of a superior mind. + +~124~~ After inquiring who was to be my tutor, and finding I was not yet +fixed in that particular, I was requested to construe one of the easiest +passages in the AEneid; my next task was to read a few paragraphs of +monkish Latin from a little white book, which I found contained the +university statutes: having acquitted myself in this to the apparent +satisfaction of the doctor, he next proceeded to give me his advice upon +my future conduct and pursuits in the university; remarked that his old +friend, my father, could not have selected a more unfortunate person to +usher me into notice: that his habits were those of a recluse, and his +associations confined almost within the walls of his own college; but +that his good wishes for the son of an old friend and schoolfellow +would, on this occasion, induce him to present me, in person, to the +principal of Brazennose, of whom he took occasion to speak in the +highest possible terms. Having ordered me a sandwich and a glass of wine +for my refreshment, he left me to adjust his dress, preparatory to our +visit to the dignitary. During his absence I employed the interval in +amusing myself with a small octavo volume, entitled the "Oxford +Spy:" the singular coincidence of the following extract according +so completely with the previous remarks of the doctor, induced me to +believe it was his production; but in this suspicion, I have since been +informed, I was in error, the work being written by Shergold Boone, Esq. +a young member of the university. + + "Thus I remember, ere these scenes I saw, + But hope had drawn them, such as hope will draw, + A shrewd old man, on Isis' margin bred, + Smiled at my warmth, and shook his wig, and said: + 'Youth will be sanguine, but before you go, + Learn these plain rules, and treasure, when you know. + Wisdom is innate in the gown and band; + Their wearers are the wisest of the land. + +~125~~ + + Science, except in Oxford, is a dream; + In all things heads of houses are supreme {9} + Proctors are perfect whosoe'er they be; + Logic is reason in epitome: + Examiners, like kings, can do no wrong; + All modern learning is not worth a song: + Passive obedience is the rule of right; + To argue or oppose is treason quite:{10} + Mere common sense would make the system fall: + Things are worth nothing; words are all in all." + +On his return, the ancient glanced at the work I had been reading, and +observing the passage I have just quoted, continued his remarks upon the +discipline of the schools.--"In the new formed system of which we boast," +said the master, "the philosophy which has enlightened the world +is omitted or passed over in a superficial way, and the student is +exercised in narrow and contracted rounds of education, in which his +whole labour is consumed, and his whole time employed, with little +improvement or useful knowledge. He has neither time nor inclination to +attend the public lectures in the several departments of philosophy; nor +is he qualified for that attendance. All that he does, or is required +to do, is to prepare himself to pass through these contracted rounds; +to write a theme, or point an epigram; but when he enters upon life, +action, or profession, both the little go, and the great go, he will +find to be a by go; for he will find that he has gone by the best part +of useful and substantial learning; + + 9 Know all men by these presents, that children in the uni- + versities eat pap and go in leading strings till they are + fourscore. --Terro Filius. + + 10 In a work quaintly entitled "Phantasm of an University," + there occurs this sweeping paragraph, written in the true + spirit of radical reform: "Great advantages might be + obtained by gradually transforming Christ Church into a + college of civil polity and languages; Magdalen, Queen's, + University, into colleges of moral philosophy; New and + Trinity into colleges of fine arts; and the five halls into + colleges of agriculture and manufactures." + +126~~ or that it has gone by him: to recover which he must repair from +this famous seat of learning to the institutions of the metropolis, or +in the provincial towns. I have just given you these hints, that you +may escape the errors of our system, and be enabled to avoid the pomp of +learning which is without the power, and acquire the power of knowledge +without the pomp." Here ended the lecture, and my venerable conductor +and myself made the best of our way to pay our respects to the principal +of my future residence. + +Arrived here--the principal, a man of great dignity, received us with +all due form, and appeared exceedingly pleased with the visit of my +conductor; my introduction was much improved by a letter from the head +master of Eton, who, I have no doubt, said more in my favour than I +deserved. The appointment of a tutor was the next step, and for this +purpose I was introduced to Mr. Jay, a smart-looking little man, very +polite and very portly, with whom I retired to display my proficiency +in classical knowledge, by a repetition of nearly the same passages in +Homer and Virgil I had construed previously with the learned doctor; the +next arrangement was the sending for a tailor, who quickly produced my +academical robes and cap, in the which, I must confess, I at first +felt rather awkward. I was now hurried to the vice-chancellor's house +adjoining Pembroke college, where I had the honour of a presentation +to that dignitary; a mild-looking man of small stature, with the most +affable and graceful manners, dignified, and yet free from the +slightest tinge of _hauteur_. His reception of my tutor was friendly and +unembarrassing; his inquiries relative to myself directed solely to +my proficiency in the classics, of which I had again to give some +specimens; I was then directed to subscribe my name in a large folio +album, which proved to contain the thirty-nine articles, not one ~127~~ +sentence of which I had ever read; but it was too late for hesitation, +and I remembered Tom Echo had informed me I should have to attest to a +great deal of nonsense, which no one ever took the pains to understand. +The remainder of this formal initiation was soon despatched: I +separately abjured the damnable doctrines of the pope, swore allegiance +to the king, and vowed to preserve the statutes and privileges of the +society I was then admitted into; paid my appointed fees, made my bow to +the vice-chancellor, and now concluded that the ceremony of the _togati_ +was all over: in this, however, I was mistaken; my tutor requesting some +conference with me at his rooms, thither we proceeded, and arranged the +plan of my future studies; then followed a few general hints relative +to conduct, the most important of which was my obeisance to the +dignitaries, by capping{11} whenever I met them; the importance of a +strict attendance to the lectures of logic, mathematics, and divinity, +to the certain number of twenty in each term; a regular list of the +tradesmen whom I was requested to patronize; and, lastly, the entry of +my name upon the college books and payment of the necessary _caution +money_.{12} _Entering_ keeps one term; but as rooms were vacant, I was +fortunate in obtaining an immediate appointment. As the day was now +far advanced, I deemed it better to return to my inn and dress for the +dinner party at Christ Church. + + 11 Capping--by the students and under graduates is touching + the cap to the vice-chancollor, proctors, fellows, &c. when + passing. At Christ Church tradesmen and servants must walk + bareheaded through the quadrangle when the dean, canons, + censors, or tutors are present. At Pembroke this order is + rigidly enforced, even in wet weather. At Brazennose neither + servants nor tradesmen connected with the college are + allowed to enter it otherwise. It is not long since a + certain bookseller was discommoned for wearing his hat in B- + n-e quadrangle, and literally ruined in consequence. + + 12 Caution money--a sum of money deposited in the hands of + the treasurer or bursar by every member on his name being + entered upon the college books, as a security for the + payment of all bills and expenses contracted by him within + the walls of the college. This money is returned when the + party takes his degree or name off the books; and no man can + do either of these without receipts in full from the butler, + manciple, and cook of their respective colleges. + +~128~~ + +[Illustration: page128] + +[Illustration: page129] + + +~129~~ Architectural Reminiscences--Descriptive Remarks--Similitude + between the Characters of Cardinal Wolsey and Napoleon. + +It was past five o'clock when I arrived before the majestic towers of +Christ Church.--The retiring sun brightening the horizon with streaks of +gold at parting, shed a rich glow over the scene that could not fail to +rivet my attention to the spot. Not all the fatigues of the day, nor +the peculiarities of my new situation, had, in the least, abated my +admiration of architectural beauties. The noble octagonal tower in the +enriched Gothic style, rising like a colossal ~130~~ monument of art +among the varied groups of spires, domes, and turrets, which from a +distance impress the traveller with favourable ideas of the magnificence +of Oxford, first attracted my notice, and recalled to my memory two +names that to me appear to be nearly associated (by comparison) with +each other, Wolsey and Napoleon; both gifted by nature with almost +all the brightest qualifications of great minds; both arriving at the +highest point of human grandeur from the most humble situations; +equally the patrons of learning, science, and the arts; and both equally +unfortunate, the victims of ambition: both persecuted exiles; yet, +further I may add, that both have left behind them a fame which +brightens with increasing years, and must continue to do as every +passing day removes the mist of prejudice from the eyes of man. Such +were the thoughts that rushed upon my mind as I stood gazing on the +splendid fabric before me, from the western side of St. Aidates, +unheedful of the merry laughter-loving group of students and +under-graduates, who, lounging under the vaulted gateway, were amusing +themselves at my expense in quizzing a freshman in the act of lionising. +The tower contains the celebrated _Magnus Thomas_, recast from the +great bell of Osney abbey, by whose deep note at the hour of nine in +the evening the students are summoned to their respective colleges. The +upper part of the tower displays in the bracketed canopies and carved +enrichments the skilful hand of Sir Christopher Wren, whose fame was +much enhanced by the erection of the gorgeous turrets which project on +each side of the gateway.{1} Not caring to endure a closer attack of +the _togati_, who had now approached me, I crossed and entered the +great quadrangle, or, according to Oxford phraseology, _Tom Quad_. The +irregular nature of the buildings here by no means assimilate with the +elegance of the exterior entrance. + + 1 It was here, in Lord Orford's opinion, that he "caught the + graces of the true Gothic taste." + +[Illustration: page131] + +~131~~ The eastern, northern, and part of the southern sides of the +quadrangle are, I have been since informed, inhabited by the dean and +canons; the western by students. The broad terrace in front of the +buildings, the extent of the arena, and the circular basin of water in +the centre, render this an agreeable promenade.--I had almost forgotten +the deity of the place (I hope not symbolical), a leaden Mercury{2}; the +gift of Dr. John Radcliffe, which rises from the centre of the basin, +on the spot where once stood the sacred cross of St. Frideswide, and the +pulpit of the reformer, Wickliffe. + + 2 Since pulled down and destroyed. + + + + +THE DINNER PARTY. + + Bernard Blackmantles Visit to Tom Echo---Oxford Phraseology- + Smuggled Dinners--A College Party described--Topography of a + Man's Boom--Portrait of a Bachelor of Arts--Hints to + Freshmen--Customs of the University. + +~132~~ "When first the freshman, bashful, blooming, young, Blessings +which here attend not handmaids long, Assumes that cap, which franchises +the man, And feels beneath the gown dilate his span; When he has stood +with modest glance, shy fear, And stiff-starch'd band before our prime +vizier, And sworn to articles he scarcely knew, And forsworn doctrines +to his creed all new: Through fancy's painted glass he fondly +sees Monastic turrets, patriarchal trees, The cloist'ral arches' +awe-inspiring shade, The High-street sonnetized by Wordsworth's jade, +His raptured view a paradise regards, Nurseling of hope! he builds on +paper cards." + +On the western side of Tom Quad, up one flight of stairs, by the +porter's aid I discovered the battered oaken door which led to the +_larium_ of my friend Echo: that this venerable bulwark had sustained +many a brave attack from besiegers was visible in the numerous bruises +and imprints of hammers, crowbars, and other weapons, which had covered +its surface with many an indented scar. The utmost caution was apparent +in the wary scout,{1} + + 1 A Scout, at Christ Church, performs the same duties for + ten or twelve students as a butler and valet in a + gentleman's family. There are no women bedmakers at any + college except Christ Church, that duty being performed by + the scout. + +~133~~ who admitted me; a necessary precaution, as I afterwards found, +to prevent the prying eye of some inquisitive domine, whose nose has a +sort of instinctive attraction in the discovery of smuggled dinners.{2} + +Within I found assembled half a dozen good-humoured faces, all young, +and all evidently partaking of the high flow of spirits and animated +vivacity of the generous hearted Tom Echo. A college introduction is one +of little ceremony, the surname alone being used,--a practice, which, +to escape quizzing, must also be followed on your card. "Here, old +fellows," said Tom, taking me by the hand, and leading me forwards to +his companions, "allow me to introduce an ex{3}-college man,--Blackmantle +of Brazennose, a freshman{4} and an Etonian: so, lay to him, boys; +he's just broke loose from the Land of Sheepishness,{5} passed Pupils +Straits{6} and the Isle of Matriculation{7} to follow Dads Will,{8} in +the Port of Stuffs{9}; from which, if he can steer clear of the Fields +of Temptation{10} + + 2 Smuggled dinners are private parties in a student's room, + when the dinner is brought into college from a tavern: + various are the ingenious stratagems of the togati to elude + the vigilance of the authorities: trunks, packing-boxes, + violoncello-cases, and hampers are not unfrequently directed + as if from a waggon or coach-office, and brought into + college on the shoulders of some porter. Tin cans of soup + are drawn up by means of a string from the back windows in + the adjoining street. It is not long since Mr. C- of Christ + Church was expelled for having a dinner smuggled into + college precisely in the manner adopted by Tom Echo. + + 3 A University man who is visiting in a college of which he + is + + not a member. + + 4 The usual phrase for initiating a freshman on his first + appearance in a party or frisk. + + 5 Land of Sheepishness--School-boy's bondage. + + 6 Pupil's Straits--Interval between restraint and liberty. + + 7 Isle of Matriculation--First entrance into the University. + + 8 Dad's Will--Parental authority. + + 9 Port for Stay's--Assumption of commoner's gown. + + 10 Fields of Temptation--The attractions held out to him. + +~134~~ he hopes to make the _Land of Promise_,{11} anchor his bark in +the _Isthmus of Grace_,{12} and lay up snugly for life on the _Land +of Incumbents_."{13} "For heaven's sake, Tom," said I," speak in some +intelligible language; it's hardly fair to fire off your battery of +Oxonian wit upon a poor freshman at first sight." At this moment a rap +at the _oak_ announced an addition to our party, and in bounded that +light-hearted child of whim, Horace Eglantine:--"What, Blackmantle here? +Why then, Tom, we can form as complete a trio as ever got _bosky_{14} +with _bishop_{15} in _the province of Bacchus_,{16}! Why, what a plague, +my old fellow, has given you that rueful-looking countenance? I am sure +you was not plucked upon _Maro Common_ or _Homer Downs_{17} in passing +examination with the big wig this morning; or has Tom been +frisking{18} you already with some of his jokes about the _straits of +independency_{19}; the _waste of ready_{20}; the dynasty of Venus,{21} +or the quicksands of rustication{22}. + + 11 Land of Promise--The fair expectations of a steady novice + in Oxford. + + 12 Isthmus of Grace--Obtainment of the grace of one's + college. + + 13 Land of Incumbents--Good livings. + + 14 Bosky is the term used in Oxford to express the style of + being "half seas over." + + 15 Bishop--A good orthodox mead composed of port wine and + roasted oranges or lemons. + + 16 Province of Bacchus--Inebriety. + + 17 Maro Common and Homer Downs allude to the AEneid of + Virgil and the Iliad of Homer--two books chiefly studied for + the little-go or responsions. + + 18 Frisking--Hoaxing. + + 19 Straits of Independency--Frontiers of extravagance. + + 20 Waste of Ready, including in it Hoyle's Dominions-- + Course of gambling, including Loo tables. + + 21 Dynasty of Venus--Indiscriminate love and misguided + affections. + + 22 Quicksands of Rustication--On which our hero may at any + time run foul when inclined to visit a new county. + +~135~~ Cheer up, old fellow! you are not half way through the ceremony +of initiation yet. We must brighten up that solemn phiz of yours, and +give you a lesson or two on college principles? If I had been thrown +upon some newly-discovered country, among a race of wild Indians, I +could not have been more perplexed and confounded than I now felt +in endeavouring to rally, and appear to comprehend this peculiar +phraseology. + +A conversation now ensuing between a gentleman commoner, whom the party +designated Pontius Pilate{23} and Tom Echo, relative to the comparative +merits of their hunters, afforded me an opportunity of surveying +the _larium_ of my friend; the entrance to which was through a short +passage, that served the varied purposes of an ante-room or +vestibule, and a scout's pantry and boot-closet. On the right was the +sleeping-room, and at the foot of a neat French bed I could perceive the +wine bin, surrounded by a regiment of _dead men_{24} who had, no doubt, +departed this life like heroes in some battle of Bacchanalian sculls. +The principal chamber, the very _penetrale_ of the Muses, was about six +yards square, and low, with a rich carved oaken wainscoting, reaching to +the ceiling; the monastic gloom being materially increased by two narrow +loopholes, intended for windows, but scarcely yielding sufficient light +to enable the student to read his _Scapula or Lexicon_{25} with +the advantage of a meridian sun: the fire-place was immensely wide, +emblematical, no doubt, of the capacious stomachs of the good fathers +and fellows, the ancient inhabitants of this _sanctum_; but the +most singularly-striking characteristic was the modern decorations, +introduced by the present occupant. + + 23 A quaint cognomen applied to him from the rapidity with + which he boasted of repeating the Nicene Creed,--i.e. + offering a bet that no would give any man as far as "Pontius + Pilate," and beat him before he got to the "resurrection of + the dead." + + 24 Dead Men--Empty bottles. + + 25 Scapula, Hederic, and Lexicon, the principal + Dictionaries in use for studying Greek. + +~136~~ Over the fire-place hung a caricature portrait of a well-known +Bachelor of Arts, drinking at the _Pierian spring, versus_ gulping down +the contents of a Pembroke _overman_,{26} sketched by the facetious +pencil of the humorist, Rowlandson. + +[Illustration: page136] + +ECCE SIGNUM. + +I could not help laughing to observe on the one side of this jolly +personage a portrait of the little female Giovanni Vestris, under which +some wag had inscribed, "_A Mistress of Hearts_," and on the other +a full-length of Jackson the pugilist, with this motto--"A striking +likeness of a fancy lecturer." + + 26 An Herman--At Pembroke, a large silver tankard, holding + two quarts and half a pint, so called from the donor, Mr. + George Overman. The late John Hudson, the college tonsor + and _common room man_,{*} was famous for having several + times, for trifling wagers, drank a full overman of strong + beer off at a draught. A Tun, another vessel in use at + Pembroke, is a half pint silver cup. A Whistler, a silver + pint tankard also in use there, was the gift of Mr. Anthony + Whistler, a cotemporary with Shenstone. + + * Common room man, a servant who is entirely employed in + attending upon the members of the common room. + + Junior common room, a room in every college, except Christ + Church, set apart for the junior members to drink wine in + and read the newspapers. + + N.B. There is but one common room at Christ Church; none but + masters of arts and noblemen can be members of it,--the + latter but seldom attend. The last who attended was the late + Duke of Dorset. All common rooms are regularly furnished + with newspapers and magazines. + + _Curator of the common rooms_.-A senior master of arts, who + buys the wine and inspects the accounts. + +~137~~ In the centre of the opposite side hung the portrait of an old +_scout_, formerly of Brazennose, whose head now forms the admission +ticket to the college club. Right and left were disposed the plaster +busts of Aristotle and Cicero; the former noseless, and the latter with +his eyes painted black, and a huge pair of mustachios annexed. A few +volumes of the Latin and Greek classics were thrown into a heap in one +corner of the room, while numerous modern sporting publications usurped +their places on the book shelves, richly gilt and bound in calf, but not +lettered. The hunting cap, whip, and red coat were hung up like a trophy +between two foxes' tails, which served the purpose of bell pulls. At +this moment, my topographical observations were disturbed by the arrival +of the scout with candles, and two strange-looking fellows in smock +frocks, bringing in, as I supposed, a piano forte, but which, upon being +placed on the table, proved to be a mere case: the top being taken off, +the sides and ends let down in opposite directions, and the cloth pulled +out straight, displayed an elegant dinner, smoking hot, and arranged +in as much form as if the college butler had superintended the feast. +"Come, old fellow," said Tom, "turn to--no ceremony. I hope, +Jem," addressing his scout, "you took care that no ~138~~ college +telegraph{27} was at work while you were smuggling the dinner in." +"I made certain sure of that, sir," said Jem; "for I placed Captain +Cook{28} sentinel at one corner of the quadrangle, and old Brady at the +other, with directions to whistle, as a signal, if they saw any of the +_dons_ upon the look out." + +Finding we were not likely to be interrupted by the _domine_, Tom took +the chair. The fellows in the smock frocks threw off their disguises, +and proved to be two genteelly dressed waiters from one of the inns. +"Close the oak, Jem," said Horace Eglantine, "and take care no one +knocks in{29} before we have knocked down the contents of your master's +musical melange." "_Punning_ as usual, Eglantine," said the Honourable +Mr. Sparkle, a gentleman commoner. "Yes; and _pun_-ishing too, old +fellow!" said Horace. "Where's the _cold tankard_,{30} Echo? + + 27 A college telegraph--A servant of a college, who carries + an account of every trifling offence committed, either by + gentlemen or servants, to the college officers. + + 28 Well-known characters in Christ Church. + + 29 Knocking in--Going into college after half-past ten at + night. The names of the gentlemen who knock in are entered + by the porter in a book kept for that purpose, and the next + morning it is carried to the dean and censors, who generally + call upon the parties so offending to account for being out + of college at so late an hour. A frequent recurrence of this + practice will sometimes draw from the dean a very severe + reprimand. + + Knocking in money--Fines levied for knocking into college at + improper hours: the first fine is fixed at half-past ten, + and increased every half hour afterwards. These fines are + entered on the batter book, and charged among the battels + and decrements,* a portion of which is paid to the porter + quarterly, for being knocked up. + + 30 Cold tankard--A summer beverage, used at dinner, made of + brandy, cider, or perry, lemons cut in slices, cold water, + sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon, and the herbs balm and burridge. + Sometimes sherry or port wine is substituted for cider. The + tankard is put into a pitcher, which is iced in a tub, + procured from the confectioners. + + * Decrements.--The use of knives, folks, spoons, and other + necessaries, with the firing, &c. for the hall and chapel. + +~139~~ We must give our old _con_, Blackmantle, a warm reception." +"Sure, that's a Paddyism"{31} said a young Irish student. "Nothing of +the sort," replied Horace: "are we not all here the sons of Isis (Ices)? +and tell me where will you find a group of warmer hearted souls?" +"Bravo! bravo!" shouted the party. "That fellow Eglantine will create +another _Pun_-ic war," said Sparkle. "I move that we have him crossed in +the buttery{32} for making us laugh during dinner, to the great injury +of our digestive organs, and the danger of suffocation." "What! deprive +an Englishman of his right to battel{33}" said Echo: "No; I would +sooner inflict the orthodox fine of a double bumper of _bishop_." +"Bravo!" said Horace: "then I plead guilty, and swallow the imposition." +"I'll thank you for a cut out of the back of that _lion_,"{34} tittered +a man opposite. With all the natural timidity of the hare whom he thus +particularised, I was proceeding to help him, when Echo inquired if he +should send me the breast of a swiss {35} and the facetious Eglantine, +to increase my confusion, requested to be allowed to cut me a slice off +the wing of a wool bird.{36} + + 31 A Paddyism is called in this university a "Thorpism" from + Mr. Thorp, formerly a hosier of some note in the city. He + was famous for making blunders and coining new words, was + very fond of making long speeches, and when upon _the toe_, + never failed to convulse his hearers with laughter. + + 32 Crossed in the buttery--not allowed to battel, a + punishment for missing lecture. By being frequently crossed, + a man will lose his term. + + 33 Battels--Bread, butter, cheese, salt, eggs, &c. + + 34 A lion--a hare. + + 35 Siciss--a pheasant. + + 36 Wing of a wool bird--Shoulder of lamb. + +~140~~ To have remonstrated against this species of persecution would, +I knew, only increase my difficulties; summoning, therefore, all the +gaiety I was master of to my aid, I appeared to participate in the joke, +like many a modern _roue_, laughing in unison without comprehending the +essence of the whim, merely because it was the fashion. What a helpless +race, old father Etona, are thine (thought I), when first they assume +the Oxford man; spite of thy fostering care and classic skill, thy +offspring are here little better than cawkers{37} or wild Indians. "Is +there no glossary of university wit," said I, "to be purchased here, +by which the fresh may be instructed in the art of conversation; no +_Lexicon Balatronicum_ of college eloquence, by which the ignorant +may be enlightened?" "Plenty, old fellow," said Echo: "old Grose is +exploded; but, never fear, I will introduce you to the _Dictionnaire +Universel_,{38} which may always be consulted, at our _old grandmammas_' +in St. Clement's, or Eglantine can introduce you at Vincent's,{39} where +better known as the poor curate of H----, crossed the channel. + + 37 Cawker--an Eton phrase for a stranger or novice. + + 38 Dictionnaire Universel--a standing toast in the common + room at-----College. + + The origin of the toast is as follows: When Buonaparte was + at Elba, Dr. E-, one of the wealthy senior Fellows of ---- + College. + + +Soon after his arrival at Paris, as he was walking through the streets +of that city, he was accosted by an elegantly dressed Cyprian, to whom +he made a profound bow, and told her (in English), that he was not +sufficiently acquainted with the French language to comprehend what she +had said to him, expressing his regret that he had not his French +and English dictionary with him. Scarcely had he pronounced the word +dictionary, when the lady, by a most astonishing display, which in +England would have disgraced the lowest of the frail sisterhood, +exclaimed, "Behold the Dictionnaire Universel, which has been opened +by the learned of all nations."{39} Dr. E--, on his return from +France, related this anecdote in the common room at ---------, and the +Dictionnaire universel has ever since been a standing toast there. + + 39 A well known respectable bookseller near Brazennose, who + has published a whimsical trifle under the title of "Oxford + in Epitome" very serviceable to freshmen. You may purchase + "Oxford in Epitome," with a Key accompaniment explaining the + whole art and mystery of the _finished style_. + +~141~~ After a dissertation upon _new college puddings_,{40} rather +a choice dish, an elegant dessert and ices was introduced from +Jubbers.{41} The glass now circulated freely, and the open-hearted +mirth of my companions gave me a tolerable idea of many of the leading +eccentricities of a collegian's life. The Oxford toast, the college +divinity, was, I found, a Miss W-, whose father is a wealthy +horse-dealer, and whom all agreed was a very amiable and beautiful girl. +I discovered that Sadler, Randal, and Crabbe were rum ones for prime +hacks--that the _Esculapii dii_ of the university, the demi-gods of +medicine and surgery, were Messrs. Wall and Tuckwell--that all proctors +were tyrants, and their men savage bull dogs--that good wine was seldom +to be bought in Oxford by students--and pretty girls were always to be +met at Bagley Wood--that rowing a fellow{42} was considered good sport, +and an idle master{43} a jolly dog--that all tradesmen were duns, and all +gownsmen suffering innocents--and lastly. + + 40 New College puddings--a favourite dish with freshmen, + made of grated biscuit, eggs, suet, moist sugar, currants + and lemon-peel, rolled into balls of an oblong shape, fried + in boiling fat, and moistened with brandy. + + 41 A celebrated Oxford pastry-cook. + + 42 Rowing a fellow--going with a party in the dead of the + night to a man's room, nailing or screwing his oak up, so as + it cannot be opened on the inside, knocking at his door, + calling out fire, and when he comes to the door, burning a + quantity of shavings, taken from halfpenny faggots dipped in + oil from the staircase lamps, so as to impress him with an + idea that the staircase, in which his rooms are, is on fire. + And when he is frightened almost out of his senses, setting + up a most hideous horse-laugh and running away. This joke + is practised chiefly upon quiet timid men. + + 43 An idle master--a Master of Arts on the foundation, who + does not take pupils. + +~142~~ + +I was informed that a freshman was a scamp without seasoning--and a +fellow of no spirit till he had been pulled up before the big wig and +suffered imposition{44} fine, and rustication.{45} + +It was now half an hour since old _Magnus Thomas_ had tolled his heavy +note, most of the party were a little cut,{46} and the salt pits +of attic wit had long since been drained to the very bottom--Sparkle +proposed an adjournment to the Temple of Bacchus,{47} while Echo and a +man of Trinity set forth for the plains of Betteris.{48} Pleading the +fatigues of the day, and promising to attend a spread{49} on the morrow +to be given by Horace Eglantine, I was permitted to depart to my inn, +having first received a caution from Echo to steer clear of the Don +Peninsula{50} and the seat of magistracy.{51} + +On regaining my inn, I was not a little surprised to hear the smirking +barmaid announce me by my christian and surname, directing the waiter +to place candles for Mr. Bernard Blackmantle in the _sanctum_. How the +deuce, thought I, have these people discovered my family nomenclature, +or are we here under the same system of _espionage_ as the puerile +inhabitants of France, where every hotel-keeper, waiter, and servant, +down to the very shoe-black, is a spy upon your actions, and a creature +in the pay of the police{52} "Pray, waiter," said I, "why is this snug +little _larium__ designated the sanctum_?" + + 44 Imposition--translations set by the Principal for absence + and other errors. + + 45 Rustication is the term applied to temporary dismissal + for non-observance of college discipline. + + 46 A little cut--half seas over. + + 47 Temple of Bacchus--some favourite inn. + + 48 Plains of Betteris--the diversion of billiards. + + 49 A spread--a wine party. + + 50 The Don Peninsula--the range of all who wear long black + hanging sleeves, and bear the name of Domini. + + 51 Seat of magistracy--proctor's authority. + + 52 The tact of the Oxford tradesmen in this particular is + very ingenious.--The strength of a man's account is always + regulated by the report they receive on his entering, from + some college friend, respecting the wealth of his relations, + or the weight of his expectancies. + +~143~~ + +"Because it's extra-proctorial, sir: none of the town _raff_ are ever +admitted into it, and the marshal and his bull dogs never think of +intruding here. With your leave, sir, I'll send in master--he will +explain things better; and mayhap, sir, as you are fresh, he may give +you a little useful information." "Do so,--send me in a bottle of old +Madeira and two glasses, and tell your master I shall be happy to see +him." In a few moments I was honoured with the company of mine host of +the Mitre, who, to do him justice, was a more humorous fellow than I had +anticipated. Not quite so ceremonious as he of the Christopher at +Eton, or the superlative of a Bond-street _restaurateur_; but with an +unembarrassed roughness, yet respectful demeanour, that partook more of +the sturdy English farmer, or an old weather-beaten sportsman, than +the picture I had figured to myself of the polished landlord of the +principal inn in the sacred city of learning. We are too much the +creatures of prejudice in this life, and first impressions are not +unfrequently the first faults which we unthinkingly commit against the +reputation of a new acquaintance. Master Peake was, I discovered, a +fellow of infinite jest, an old fox-hunter, and a true sportsman; and +supposing me, from my introduction by Tom Echo to his house, to be as +fond of a good horse, a hard run, and a black bottle, as my friend, he +had eagerly sought an opportunity for this early introduction. "No man +in the country, sir," said Peake, "can boast of a better horse or a +better wife: I always leave the management of the bishop's cap to the +petticoat; for look ye, sir, gown against gown is the true orthodox +system, I believe.--When I kept the Blue Pig{53} by the Town Hall, the +big wigs used to grunt a little now and then about the gemmen of the +university getting _bosky_ in a _pig-sty_; so, egad, I thought I would +fix them at last, and removed here; for I knew it would be deemed +sacrilegious to attack the mitre, or hazard a pun upon the head of the +church. + + 53 The Blue Boar, since shut up. + +~144~~ If ever you should be _tiled_ up in _Eager heaven_,{54} there's +not a kinder hearted soul in Christendom than Mrs. Peake: Dr. Wall says +that he thinks she has saved more gentlemen's lives in this university +by good nursing and sending them niceties, than all the material +medicals put together. You'll excuse me, sir, but as you are fresh, take +care to avoid the _gulls_{55}; they fly about here in large flocks, I +assure you, and do no little mischief at times." "I never understood +that gulls were birds of prey," said I.--"Only in Oxford, sir; and here, +I assure you, they bite like hawks, and pick many a poor young gentleman +as bare before his three years are expired, as the crows would a dead +sheep upon a common. Every thing depends upon your obtaining an honest +scout, and that's a sort of _haro ravis_ (I think they call the bird) +here." Suppressing my laughter at my host's Latinity, I thought this +a fair opportunity to make some inquiries relative to this important +officer in a college establishment. + +"I suppose you know most of these ambassadors of the togati belonging to +the different colleges'?" "I think I do, sir," said Peake, "if you mean +the scouts; but I never heard them called by that name before. If +you are of Christ Church, I should recommend Dick Cook, or, as he is +generally called, Gentleman Cook, as the most finished, spritely, honest +fellow of the whole. Dick's a trump, and no telegraph,--up to every +frisk, and down to every move of the domini, thorough bred, and no want +of courage?" + + 54 AEager haven--laid up in the depot of invalids. + + 55 Gulls--knowing ones who are always on the look out for + freshmen. + +~145~~ "But not having the honour of being entered there, I cannot avail +myself of Dick's services: pray tell me, who is there at Brazennose that +a young fellow can make a confidant of?" "Why, the very best old fellow +in the world,--nothing like him in Oxford,--rather aged, to be sure, but +a good one to go, and a rum one to look at;--I have known Mark Supple +these fifty years, and never heard a gentleman give him a bad word: +shall I send for him, sir? he's the very man to put you _up to a thing +or two_, and finish you off in prime style." "In the morning, I'll +see him, and if he answers your recommendation, engage with him: "for, +thought I, such a man will be very essential, if it is only to act as +interpreter to a young novice like myself. + +The conversation now turned to sporting varieties, by which I discovered +mine host was a leading character in the neighbouring hunts; knew every +sportsman in the field, and in the course of half an hour, carried me +over Godrington's manors, Moystoris district, and Somerset range,{56} +taking many a bold leap in his progress, and never losing _sight of the +dogs_. "We shall try your mettle, sir," said he, "if we catch you out +for a day's sport; and if you are not quite mounted at present to +your mind, I have always a spare nag in the stable for the use of a +freshman." + + 56 The three packs of hounds contiguous to Oxford. + +Though I did not relish the concluding appellation, coming from a +tavern-keeper, I could not help thanking Peake for his liberal offer; +yet without any intention of risking my neck in a steeple chase. +The interview had, however, been productive of some amusement and +considerable information. The bottle was now nearly finished; filling +my last glass, I drank success to the Mitre, promised to patronise +the landlord, praise the hostess, coquet with the little cherry-cheek, +chirping lass in the bar, and kiss as many of the chamber-maids as I +could persuade to let me. Wishing mine host a good night, and ringing +for my bed-candle, I proceeded to put the last part of my promise into +immediate execution. + + + + +COLLEGE SERVANTS. + + Descriptive Sketch of a College Scout--Biography of Mark + Supple--Singular Invitation to a Spread. + +The next morning, early, while at breakfast, I received a visit from +Mr. Mark Supple, the _scout_, of whom mine host of the Mitre had on +the preceding night spoken so highly. There was nothing certainly very +prepossessing in his exterior appearance; and if he had not previously +been eulogised as the most estimable of college servants, I should not +have caught the impression from a first glance. He was somewhere about +sixty years of age, of diminutive stature and spare habit, a lean +brother with a scarlet countenance, impregnated with tints of many +a varied hue, in which however the richness of the ruby and the soft +purple of the ultramarine evidently predominated. His forehead was +nearly flat; upon his eyebrows and over his _os frontis_ and scalp, a +few straggling straight hairs were extended as an apology for a wig, +but which was much more like a discarded crow's nest turned upside down. +Immense black bushy eyebrows overhung a pair of the queerest looking +oculars I had ever seen; below which sprung forth what had once been, no +doubt, a nose, and perhaps in youth an elegant feature; but, Heaven help +the wearer! it was now grown into such a strange form, and presented +so many choice exuberances, that one might have supposed it was the +original Bardolph's, and charged with the additional sins of every +succeeding generation. The loss of his ~146~~ teeth had caused the other +lip to retire inwards, and consequently the lower one projected forth, +supported by a huge chin, like the basin or receiver round the crater of +a volcano. + +His costume was of a fashion admirably corresponding with his person. It +might once have graced a dean, or, perhaps, a bishop, but it was evident +the present wearer was not by when the _artiste_ of the needle took his +measure or instructions. Three men of Mark's bulk might very well +have been buttoned up in the upper habiliment; and as for the +_inexpressibles_, they hung round his _ultimatum_ like the petticoat +trowsers of a Dutch smuggler: then for the colour, it might once have +been sable or a clerical mixture; but what with the powder which +the collar bore evidence it had once been accustomed to, and the +weather-beaten trials it had since undergone, it was quite impossible +to specify. The _beaver_ was in excellent keeping, _en suite_, except, +perhaps, from the constant application of the hand to pay due respect to +the dignitaries, it was here and there enriched with some more shining +qualities. I at first suspected this ancient visitor was a hoax of my +friend Tom Echo's, who had concerted the scheme with the landlord; but a +little conversation with the object of my surprise soon convinced me +it was the genuine Mark Supple, the true college _scout_, and no +counterfeit. + +"The welcome of Isis to you, sir," said the old man. "The domini of the +bishops cap here gave me a hint you wished to see me.--I have the honour +to be Mark Supple, sir, senior scout of Brazennose, and as well known to +all the members of the university for the last fifty years, as Magdalen +bridge, or old Magnus Thomas. The first of your name, sir, I think, who +have been of Oxford--don't trace any of the Blackmantles here +antecedent--turned over my list this morning before I came--got them all +arranged, sir, take notice, in chronological order, from the friars of +~148~~ Oseny abbey down to the university of bucks of 1824--very +entertaining, sir, take notice--many a glorious name peeping out here and +there--very happy to enrol the first of the Blackmantles in my +remembrancer, and hope to add M. A. and M. S. S. which signifies honour +to you, as master of arts, and glory to your humble servant, Mark Supple +Scout--always put my own initials against the gentleman's names whom I +have attended, take notice." The singularity of the ancient's climax +amused me exceedingly--there was something truly original in the phrase: +the person and manners of the man were in perfect keeping. "You must +have seen great changes here, Mark," said I; "were you always of +Brazennose?" "I was born of Christ Church, sir, take notice, where my +father was college barber, and my mother a bed-maker; but the students +of that period insisted upon it that I was so like to a certain old big +wig, whose Christian name was Mark, that I most censoriously obtained +the appellation from at least a hundred godfathers, to the no small +annoyance of the dignitary, take notice. My first occupation, when a +child, was carrying billet doux from the students of Christ Church to +the tradesmen's daughters of Oxford, or the nuns of St. Clement's, where +a less important personage might have excited suspicion and lost his +situation. From a college Mercury, I became a college devil, and was +promoted to the chief situation in _glorio_,{1} alias _hell_, where I +continued for some time a shining character, and sharpened the edge of +many a cutting thing, take notice. Here, some wag having a design upon +my reputation, put a large piece of cobbler's wax into the dean's boots +one morning, which so irritated the _big wig_ that I was instantly +expelled college, discommoned, and blown up at point non plus, take +notice. + + 1 Glorio.--A place in Christ Church called the scout's + pantry, where the boots and shoes and knives are cleaned, + and a small quantity of Geneva, or Bill Holland's double, is + daily consumed during term time. + +~149~~ + +Having saved a trifle, I now commenced stable-keeper, bought a few prime +hacks, and mounted some of the best tandem turn outs in Oxford, take +notice: but not having wherewithal to stand tick, and being much averse +to dunning, I was soon sold up, and got a birth in Brazennose as college +scout, where I have now been upwards of forty years, take notice. No +gentleman could ever say old Mark Supple deceived him. I have run many +risks for the gown; never cared for the town; always stuck up for +my college, and never telegraphed the big wigs in my life, take +notice."--"Is your name Blackmantle?" said a sharp-looking little +fellow, in a grey frock livery, advancing up to me with as much +_sang froid_ as if I had been one of the honest fraternity of college +servants. Being answered in the affirmative, and receiving at the same +time a look that convinced him I was not pleased with his boldness, he +placed the following note in my hand and retired.{2} + + 2 The usual style of invitation to a college wine party or + spread. + +[Illustration: page149] + + The above is an exact copy of a note received from a man of + Brazennose. + +~159~~ Handing the note to old Mark--"Pray," said I, not a little +confused by the elegance of the composition, "is this the usual style of +college invitations?" Mark mounted his spectacles, and having deciphered +the contents, assured me with great gravity that it was very polite +indeed, and considering where it came from, unusually civil. + +Another specimen of college ceremony, thought I;--"But come, Mark, let +us forth and survey my rooms." We were soon within-side the gates of +Brazennose; and Mark having obtained the key, we proceeded to explore +the forsaken chamber of the Muses. + +[Illustration: page151] + + + + +TAKING POSSESSION OF YOUR ROOMS. + + Topography of a vacant College Larium--Anecdotes and + Propensities of Predecessors--A long Shot--Scout's List of + Necessaries--Condolence of University Friends. + +Ascending a dark stone staircase till the oaken beams of the roof +proclaimed we had reached the domiciliary abode of genius, I found +myself in the centre of my future habitation, an attic on the third +floor: I much doubt if poor Belzoni, when he discovered the Egyptian +sepulchre, could have exhibited more astonishment. The old bed-maker, +and the scout of my predecessor, had prepared the apartment for my +reception by gutting it of every thing useful to the value of a cloak +pin: the former was engaged in sweeping up the dust, which, from the +clouds that surrounded us, would not appear to have been disturbed for +six months before at least. I had nearly broken my shins, on my first +entrance, over the fire-shovel and bucket, and I was now in more danger +of being choked with filth. "Who inhabited this delightful place before, +Mark?" "A mad wag, but a generous gentleman, Sir, take notice, one +Charles Rattle, Esq., who was expelled college for smuggling, take +notice: the proctor, with the town marshal and his bull dogs, detected +him and two others one night drawing up some fresh provision in the +college plate-basket. Mr. Rattle, in his fright, dropped the fair nun of +St. Clement's plump upon the proctor, who could not understand the joke; +but, having recovered ~152~~ his legs, entered the college, and found +one of the fair sisters concealed in Mr. Rattle's room, take notice. +In consequence he was next day pulled up before the big wigs, when, +refusing to make a suitable apology, he received sentence of expulsion, +take notice." "He must have been a genius," quoth I, "and a very +eccentric one too, from the relics he has left behind of his favourite +propensities." In one corner of the room lay deposited a heap of lumber, +thrown together, as a printer would say, in _pie_, composed of +broken tables, broken bottles, trunks, noseless bellows, books of all +descriptions, a pair of _muffles_, and the cap of sacred academus with a +hole through the crown (emblematical, I should think, of the pericranium +it had once covered), and stuck upon the leg of a broken chair. The +rats, those very agreeable visitors of ancient habitations, were +seen scampering away upon our entrance, and the ceiling was elegantly +decorated with the smoke of a candle in a great variety of ornamented +designs, consisting of caricatures of dignitaries and the Christian +names of favourite damsels. There was poor Cicero, with a smashed crown, +turned upside down in the fire-place, and a map of Oxford hanging in +tatters above it; a portrait of Tom Crib was in the space adjoining the +window, not one whole pane of which had survived the general wreck; but +what most puzzled me was the appearance of the cupboard door: the bottom +hinge had given way, and it hung suspended by one joint in an oblique +direction, exhibiting, on an inside face, a circle chalked for a target +and perforated with numerous holes This door was in a right line with +the bedroom, and, when thrown open, covered a loop-hole of a window +that looked across the quadrangle directly into the principal's +apartments.{1} + +[Illustration: page153] + +~153~~ It was in this way (as Mark informed me) my predecessor amused +himself in a morning by lying in bed and firing at the target, till, +unhappily, on one occasion the ball passed through a hole in the door, +the loop-hole window, and, crossing the quadrangle, entered whizzing +past the dignitary's ear and that of his family who were at breakfast +with him into the back of the chair he had but a moment before +providentially quitted to take a book from his library shelves.1 The +affair occasioned a strict search, and the door in question bore too +strong an evidence to escape detection; Rattle was rusticated for a +term, but, returning the same singular character, was always in some +scrape or other till his final expulsion. Having given the necessary +orders for repairs, Mark made one of his best bows, and produced a long +scroll of paper, on which was written a list of necessaries?{2} "which," +said the ancient, "take notice, every gentleman provides on his taking +possession of his rooms." "And every gentleman's scout claims upon his +leaving, take notice" said I. Mark bowed assent. + +I had now both seen and heard enough of college comforts to wish myself +safe back again at Eton in the snug, clean, sanded dormitory of my old +dame. Looking first at my purse and then at the list of necessaries, I +could not resist a sigh on perceiving my _new guinea_{3} to be already +in danger, that it would require some caution to steer clear of the +forest of debt,{4} and keep out of _south jeopardy_,{5} and some talent +to gain the _new settlements_{6} or prevent my being ultimately laid up +in the _river tick_{7} condemned in the _Vice-Chancellor's court_,{8} +and consigned, for the benefit of the captors, to _fort marshal_.{9} + + 1 The circumstance here alluded to actually occurred some + time since, when G- C-n and Lord C-e nearly shot Dr. + Capplestone of Oriel and his predecessor, Dr. Eveleigh: the + former was expelled in consequence. + + 2 A list of necessaries consists of all the necessary + culinary articles, tea equipage, brooms, brushes, pails, &c. + &c. &c. + + 3 New guinea--First possession of income. + + 4 Forest of debt--payment of debts. + + 5 South jeopardy--terrors of insolvency. + + 6 Next settlements--final reckoning. + + 7 River tick--springing out of standing debts, which only==> + + + 8 Vice-Chancellor's court--creditor's last shift. + + 9 Fort marshal--university marshal's post, charge themselves + at the expiration of three years by leaving the lake of + credit, and meandering through the haunts of a hundred + creditors. + +~154~~ "Rather romantic, but not elegant," said some voices at the door, +which, on turning my head, I discovered to be my two friends, Echo +and Eglantine, who, suspecting the state of the rooms, from the known +character of the previous occupier, had followed me up stairs to +enjoy the pleasure of quizzing a novice. "A snug appointment this, old +fellow," said Echo. "Very airy and contemplative" rejoined Eglantine, +pointing first to the broken window, and after to the mutilated remains +of books and furniture. "Quite the larium of a man of genius," continued +the former, "and very fine scope for the exhibition of improved taste." +"And an excellent opportunity for raillery," quoth I. "Well, old +fellow," said Tom, "I wish you safe through _dun territory_{10} and the +_preserve of long bills_{11}: if you are not pretty well _blunted_,{12} +the first start will try _your wind._" "Courage, Blackmantle," said +Eglantine, "we must not have you laid up here in the _marshes of +impediment_{13} with all the horrors of _east jeopardy_,{14} as if you +was lost in the _cave of antiquity_{15}: rally, my old fellow, for _the +long hope_,{16}shoot past _mounts_ + + 10 Dun territory--circle of creditors to be paid. + + 11 Preserve of long bills--stock of debts to be discharged. + + 12 Blunted--London slang for plenty of money. + + 13 Marshes of impediment--troublesome preparation for the + schools. + + 14 East jeopardy--terrors of anticipation. + + 15 Cave of antiquity--depot of old authors. + + 16 The long hope--Johnson defines "a Hope" to be any sloping + plain between two ridges of mountains. Here it is the symbol + of long expectations in studying for a degree. + +~155~~ _Aldrich and Euclid_,{17} the _Roman tumuli_{18} and _Point +Failure_{19} and then, having gained _Fount Stagira_{20} pass easily +through _Littlego Vale_,{21} reach the summit of the _Pindaric +heights_{22} and set yourself down easy in the _temple of Bacchus_{23} +and the _region of rejoicing"{24} "Or if you should fall a sacrifice in +the district of {sappers_,{25} old fellow!" said Echo, "or founder in +_Dodd's sound_,{26} why, you can retreat to _Cam Roads_,{27} or lay up +for life in the _Bay of Condolence_."{28} "For heaven's sake, let us +leave the _Gulf of Misery_," said I, alluding to the state of my rooms, +"and bend our course where some more amusing novelty presents itself." +"To Bagley wood," said Echo, "to break cover and introduce you to the +Egyptians; only I must give my scout directions first to see the old +bookseller{29} and have my _imposition_{30} ready for being absent from +chapel this morning, or else I shall be favoured with another + + 17 Mount Aldrich, mount Euclid--logic and mathematics. + + 18 Tumuli raised by the Romans--difficulties offered by Livy + and Tacitus in the studies for first class honours. + + 19 Point Failure--catastrophe of plucking. + + 20 Fount Stagira--fount named after the birth-place of Aris- + totle. + + 21 Littlego Vale--orderly step to the first examination. + + 22 Pindaric heights--study of Pindar's odes. + + 23 Temple of Bacchus--merry-making after getting a liceat. + + 24 Region of rejoicing--joy attendant on success in the + schools. + + 25 District of sabers--track of those who sap at their quarto + and folio volumes. + + 26 Dodd's sound--where the candidate will have to + acknowledge the receipt of a certificate empowering him to + float down Bachelor Creek. + + 27 Cam Roads--retreat to Cambridge by way of a change. + + 28 Bay of Condolence--where we console our friends, if + plucked, and left at a nonplus. + + 29 A well-known bookseller in Oxford generally called + imposition G-, from his preparing translations for the + members of the university. + + 30 Imposition--see prick bill. + +~156~~ visit from the _prick bill_."{31} "Agreed," said Eglantine, "and +Blackmantle and myself will, in the meantime, visit Sadler, and engage a +couple of his prime hacks to accompany you." + + 31 Prick bills--at Christ Church, junior students who prick + with a pin the names of those gentlemen who are at chapel. + Immediately after the service, the bills, with the noblemen + and gentlemen commoners' names, are taken to the dean; those + with the students and commoners' names, to the acting censor + for the week; and the bachelors' bills to the sub-dean, who + generally inform the prick bills what impositions shall be + set those gentlemen who absented themselves from chapel: + these are written upon strips of paper and carried to the + gentlemen by the prick bill's scouts. + + Copy of an original imposition. + + "Sp 259 particular M M C. P. B."--Signifies translate No. 259 + Spectator to the word "particular" by Monday morning at + chapel time.--Prick bill. + +[Illustration: page156] + +[Illustration: page157] + + + + +THE EXCURSION TO BAGLEY WOOD. + + Oxford Scholars and Oxford Livery Men--How to insure a good + Horse and prevent Accidents--Description of Bagley Wood--A + Freshman breaking cover--Interview with the Egyptian-- + Secrets of Futurity unveiled--Abingdon Beauties--Singular + Anecdote and History of Mother Goose. + +~157~~ +The ride to Bagley Wood introduced me to some new features of a college +life, not the least entertaining of which was the dialogue before +starting between my friend Eglantine, the livery-stable keeper, and his +man, where we went to engage the horses. + +Eglan. (to the ostler) Well, Dick, what sort of a stud, hey? any thing +rum, a ginger or a miller, three legs or five, got by Whirlwind out of +Skyscraper? Come, fig out two lively ones. + +Dick. I mun see measter first, zur, before I lets any gentleman take a +nag out o' yard. It's more as my place is worth to act otherwise. + +Eglan. What coming Tip-street over us, hey, Dick? ~158~~ _frisking +the freshman_ here, old fellow? (pointing to me). It won't do--no go, +Dick--he's my friend, a _cawker_ to be sure, but must not _stand Sam_ to +an _Oxford raff_, or a Yorkshire _Johnny Raw_. + +Dick. I axes pardon, zur. I didna mean any such thing, but ever since +you rode the grey tit last, she's never been out o' stall. + +Eglan. Not surprised at that, Dick. Never crossed a greater slug in my +life--She's only fit to carry a dean or a bishop--No go in her. + +Dick. No, zur, measter zays as how you took it all out on her. + +Eglan. Why, I did give her a winder, Dick, to be sure, only one day's +hunting, though, a good hard run over Somerset range, not above sixty +miles out and home. + +Dick. Ay, I thought as how you'd been in some break-neck tumble-down +country, zur, for Tit's knuckels showed she'd had a somerset or two. + +Eglan. Well, blister the mare, Dick! there's _half a bull_ for your +trouble: now put us on the right scent for a good one: any thing young +and fresh, sprightly and shewy? + +Dick. Why, there be such a one to be zure, zur, but you munna split on +me, or I shall get the zack for telling on ye. If you'll sken yon stable +at end o' the yard, there be two prime tits just com'd in from Abingdon +fair, thorough-bred and devils to go, but measter won't let 'em out. + +Eglan. Won't he? here he comes, and we'll try what a little persuasion +will do. (Enter Livery Man.) Well, old fellow, I've brought you a new +friend, Blackmantle of Brazennose: what sort of _praxis_ can you give us +for a trot to Bagley Wood, a short ride for something shewy to _lionise_ +a bit? + +Livery M. Nothing new, sir, and you know all the stud pretty well +(knowingly). Suppose you try the grey mare you rode t'other day, and +I'll find a quiet one for your friend. + +~159~~ Eglan. If I do, I am a _black horse_. She's no paces, nothing +_but a shuffle_, not a _leg to stand on_. + +Livery M. Every one as good as the principal of All-Souls. Not a better +bred thing in Oxford, and all horses here gallop by instinct, as every +body knows, but they can't go for ever, and when gentlemen ride steeple +chases of sixty miles or more right a-head, they ought to find their own +horse-flesh. + +Eglan. What coming _crabb_ over us, old fellow, hey 1 Very well, I shall +bolt and try Randall, and that's all about it. Come along, Blackmantle. + +My friend's threat of withdrawing his patronage had immediately the +desired effect. Horace's judgment in horse-flesh was universally +admitted, and the knowing dealer, although he had suffered in one +instance by hard riding, yet deeply calculated on retrieving his loss by +some unsuspecting Freshman, or other university Nimrod in the circle +of Eglantine's acquaintance. By this time Echo had arrived, and we were +soon mounted on the two fresh purchases which the honest Yorkshireman +had so disinterestedly pointed out; and which, to do him justice, +deserved the eulogium he had given us on their merits. One circumstance +must not however be forgotten, which was the following notice posted +at the end of the yard. "To prevent accidents, gentlemen pay _before +mounting_." "How the deuce can this practice of paying beforehand +prevent accidents?" said I. "You're fresh, old fellow," said Echo, "or +you'd understand after a man breaks his neck he fears no duns. Now you +know by accident what old Humanity there means." + +Bagley is about two miles and a half from Oxford on the Abingdon road, +an exceedingly pleasant ride, leaving the sacred city and passing over +the old bridge where formerly was situated the study or observatory of +the celebrated Friar Bacon. Not an object in the shape of a petticoat +escaped some raillery, and scarcely 160~~ a town _raff_ but what met +with a corresponding display of university wit, and called forth many a +cutting joke: the place itself is an extensive wood on the summit of +a hill, which commands a glorious panoramic view of Oxford and the +surrounding country richly diversified in hill and dale, and sacred +spires shooting their varied forms on high above the domes, and +minarets, and towers of Rhedycina. This spot, the favourite haunt of +the Oxonians, is covered for many miles with the most luxuriant foliage, +affording the cool retreat, the love embowered shades, over which +Prudence spreads the friendly veil. Here many an amorous couple have in +softest dalliance met, and sighed, and frolicked, free from suspicion's +eye beneath the broad umbrageous canopy of Nature; here too is the +favourite retreat of the devotees of Cypriani, the spicy grove of +assignations where the velvet sleeves of the Proctor never shake with +terror in the wind, and the savage form of the university _bull dog_ is +unknown. + +A party of wandering English Arabs had pitched their tents on the +brow of the hill just under the first cluster of trees, and materially +increased the romantic appearance of the scene. The group consisted of +men, women, and children, a tilted cart with two or three asses, and a +lurcher who announced our approach. My companions were, I soon found, +well known to the females, who familiarly approached our party, while +the male animals as condescendingly betook themselves into the recesses +of the wood. "Black Nan," said Echo, "and her daughter, the gypsy +beauty, the Bagley brunette."--"Shall I tell your honour's fortune?" +said the elder of the two, approaching me; while Eglantine, who had +already dismounted and given his horse to one of the brown urchins +of the party, had encircled the waist of the younger sibyl, and was +tickling her into a trot in an opposite direction. "Ay do, Nan," ~161~~ +said Echo, "cast his nativity, open the book of fate, and tell the boy +his future destiny." It would be the height of absurdity to repeat +half the nonsense this oracle of Bagley uttered relative to my future +fortunes; but with the cunning peculiar to her cast, she discovered I +was fresh, and what tormented me more, (although on her part it was +no doubt accidental) alluded to an amour in which my heart was much +interested with a little divinity in the neighbourhood of Eton. This +hint was sufficient to give Tom his cue, and I was doomed to be pestered +for the remainder of the day with questions and raillery on my progress +in the court of Love. On our quitting the old gypsy woman, a pair of +buxom damsels came in sight, advancing from the Abingdon road; they +were no doubt like ourselves, I thought, come to consult the oracle of +Bagley, or, perhaps, were the daughters of some respectable farmer +who owned the adjoining land. All these doubts were, however, of short +duration; for Tom Echo no sooner caught sight of their faces, than away +he bounded towards them like a young colt in all the frolic of untamed +playfulness, and before I could reach him, one of the ladies was rolling +on the green carpet of luxuriant Nature. In the deep bosom of Bagley +Wood, impervious to the eye of authority, many a sportive scene occurs +which would alarm the ethics of the solemn sages of the cloistered +college. They were, I discovered, sisters, too early abandoned by +an unfeeling parent to poverty, and thus became an easy prey to the +licentious and the giddy, who, in the pursuit of pleasure, never +contemplate the attendant misery which is sure to follow the victim +of seduction. There was something romantic in their story: they were +daughters of the celebrated Mother Goose, whose person must have been +familiar to every Oxonian for the last sixty years prior to her decease, +which occurred but a short time since Of ~162~~ this woman's history +I have since gleaned some curious particulars, the most remarkable of +which (contained in the annexed note) have been authenticated by living +witnesses.{1} Her portrait, by a member of All Souls, is admirable, and +is here faithfully copied. + +[Illustration: page162] + + 1 "_Mother Goose_," formerly a procuress, and one of the + most abandoned of her profession. When from her advanced + age, and the loss of her eye-sight, she could no longer + obtain money by seducing females from the path of virtue, + she married a man of the name of H., (commonly called + Gentleman H.) and for years was led by him to the students' + apartments in the different colleges with baskets of the + choicest flowers. Her ancient, clean, and neat appearance, + her singular address, and, above all, the circumstance of + her being blind, never failed of procuring her at least ten + times the price of her posy, and which was frequently + doubled when she informed the young gentlemen of the + generosity, benevolence, and charity of their grandfathers, + fathers, or uncles whom she knew when they were at college. + She had several illegitimate children, all females, and all + were sacrificed by their unnatural mother, except one, who + was taken away from her at a very tender age by the child's + father's parents. When of age, this child inherited her + father's property, and is now (I believe) the wife of an + Irish nobleman, and to this time is unconscious that Mother + Goose, of Oxford, gave her birth. The person who was + instrumental in removing the child is still living in + Oxford, and will testify to the authenticity of the fact + here related. His present majesty never passed through + Oxford without presenting Mother Goose with a donation, but + of course without knowing her early history. + +~163~~ + +Having, as Echo expressed it, now broke cover, and being advanced one +step in the study of the fathers, we prepared to quit the Abingdon fair +and rural shades of Bagley on our return to Oxford, something lighter in +pocket, and a little too in morality. We raced the whole of the distance +home, to the great peril of several groups of town raff whom we passed +in our way. On our arrival my friends had each certain lectures to +attend, or college duties to perform. An idle Freshman, there was +yet three hours good before the invitation to the spread, and as kind +fortune willed it to amuse the time, a packet arrived from Horatio +Heartley. He had been spending the winter in town with his aunt, Lady +Mary Oldstyle, and had, with his usual tact, been sketching the varied +groups which form the circle of fashionable life. It was part of the +agreement between us, when leaving each other at Eton, that we should +thus communicate the characteristic traits of the society we were about +to amalgamate with. He has, in the phraseology of the day, just come +out, and certainly appears to have made the best use of his time. + + + + +KENSINGTON GARDENS--SUNDAY EVENING. + +Singularities of 1824. + +[Illustration: page164] + +~164~~ + + +WESTERN ENTRANCE INTO THE METROPOLIS; + +A DESCRIPTIVE SKETCH. + + General Views of the Author relative to Subject and Style-- + Time and Place--Perspective Glimpse of the great City--The + Approach--Cockney Salutations--The Toll House--Western + Entrance to Cockney Land--Hyde Park--Sunday Noon-- + Sketches of Character, Costume, and Scenery--The Ride and + Drive--Kensington Gardens--Belles and Beaux--Stars and + Fallen Stars--Singularities of 1824--Tales of Ton--On Dits + and Anecdotes--Sunday Evening--High Life and Low Life, the + Contrast--Cockney Goths--Notes, Biographical, Amorous, and + Exquisite. + +[Illustration: page165] + + Its wealth and fashion, wit and folly, + Pleasures, whims, and melancholy: + Of all the charming belles and beaux + Who line the parks, in double rows; + Of princes, peers, their equipage, + The splendour of the present age; + Of west-end fops, and crusty cits, + Who drive their gigs, or sport their tits; + With all the groups we mean to dash on + Who form the busy world of fashion: + Proceeding onwards to the city, + With sketches, humorous and witty. + The man of business, and the Change, + Will come within our satire's range: + Nor rank, nor order, nor condition, + Imperial, lowly, or patrician, + Shall, when they see this volume, cry-- + "The satirist has pass'd us by," + But with good humour view our page + Depict the manners of the age. + Our style shall, like our subject, be + Distinguished by variety; + Familiar, brief we could say too-- + (It shall be whimsical and new), + But reader that we leave to you. + + 'Twas morn, the genial sun of May + O'er nature spread a cheerful ray, + When Cockney Land, clothed in her best, + We saw, approaching from the west, + And 'mid her steeples straight and tall + Espied the dome of famed St. Paul, + Surrounded with a cloud of smoke + From many a kitchen chimney broke; + A nuisance since consumed below + By bill of Michael Angelo.{1} + The coach o'er stones was heard to rattle, + + 1 M. A. Taylor's act for compelling all large factories, + which have steam and other apparatus, to consume their own + smoke. + +~166~~ + + The guard his bugle tuned for battle, + The horses snorted with delight, + As Piccadilly came in sight. + On either side the road was lined + With vehicles of ev'ry kind, + And as the rapid wheel went round, + There seem'd scarce room to clear the ground. + "Gate-gate-push on--how do--well met-- + Pull up--my tits are on the fret-- + The number--lost it--tip then straight, + That covey vants to bilk the gate." + The toll-house welcome this to town. + Your prime, flash, bang up, fly, or down, + A tidy team of prads,--your castor's + Quite a Joliffe tile,--my master. + Thus buck and coachee greet each other, + And seem familiar as a brother. + No Chinese wall, or rude barrier, + Obstructs the view, or entrance here; + Nor fee or passport,--save the warder, + Who draws to keep the roads in order; + No questions ask'd, but all that please + May pass and repass at their ease. + + In cockney land, the seventh day + Is famous for a grand display + Of modes, of finery, and dress, + Of cit, west-ender, and noblesse, + Who in Hyde Park crowd like a fair + To stare, and lounge, and take the air, + Or ride or drive, or walk, and chat + On fashions, scandal, and all that.-- + Here, reader, with your leave, will we + Commence our London history. + 'Twas Sunday, and the park was full + With Mistress, John, and Master Bull, + And all their little fry. + The crowd pour in from all approaches, + Tilb'ries, dennets, gigs, and coaches; + +~167~~ + + The bells rung merrily. + Old dowagers, their fubsy faces{2} + Painted to eclipse the Graces, + Pop their noddles out + Of some old family affair + That's neither chariot, coach, or chair, + Well known at ev'ry rout. + But bless me, who's that coach and six? + "That, sir, is Mister Billy Wicks, + A great light o' the city, + Tallow-chandler, and lord mayor{3}; + Miss Flambeau Wicks's are the fair, + Who're drest so very pretty. + It's only for a year you know + He keeps up such a flashy show; + And then he's melted down. + The man upon that half-starved nag{4} + Is an Ex-S------ff, a strange wag, + Half flash, and half a clown. + But see with artful lures and wiles + The Paphian goddess, Mrs. G***s,{5} + + 2 There are from twenty to thirty of these well known relics + of antiquity who regularly frequent the park, and attend all + the fashionable routs,--perfumed and painted with the + utmost extravagance: if the wind sets in your face, they may + be scented at least a dozen carriages off. + + 3 It is really ludicrous to observe the ridiculous pride of + some of these ephemeral things;--during their mayoralty, the + gaudy city vehicle with four richly caparisoned horses is + constantly in the drive, with six or eight persons crammed + into it like a family waggon, and bedizened out in all the + colours of the rainbow;--ask for them six months after, and + you shall find them more suitably employed, packing rags, + oranges, or red herrings. + + 4 This man is such a strange compound of folly and + eccentricity, that he is eternally in hot water with some + one or other. + + 5 Mrs. Fanny G-1-s, the ci-devant wife of a corn merchant, + a celebrated courtezan, who sports a splendid equipage, and + has long figured upon town as a star of the first order in + the Cyprian hemisphere. She has some excellent qualities, + as poor M---------n can vouch; for when the fickle goddess + Fortune left him in the lurch, she has a handsome annuity + from a sporting peer, who was once the favoured swain. + +~168~~ + + From out her carriage peeps; + She nods to am'rous Mrs. D-----,{6} + Who bends with most sublime congee, + While ruin'd-----------sleeps. + Who follows 1 'tis the hopeful son + Of the proud Earl of H-----------n, + Who stole the parson's wife.{7} + The Earl of H-----------and flame, + For cabriolets she's the dame,{8} + A dasher, on my life. + Jack T-----1 shows his pleasant face{9}; + A royal likeness here you'll trace, + You'd swear he was a Guelph. + See Lady Mary's U------walk,{10} + And though but aide-de-camp to York, + An Adonis with himself, + + 6 Mrs. D---------, alias Mrs. B-k-y, alias Miss Montague, + the wife of poor Jem B-k-y, the greater his misfortune,--a + well known Paphian queen, one of five sisters, who are all + equally notorious, and whose history is well known. She is + now the favoured sultana of a ci-devant banker, whose name + she assumes, to the disgrace of himself and family. + + 7 The clerical cornuto recovered, in a crim. con. action, + four thousand pounds for the loss of his frail rib, from + this hopeful sprig of nobility. + + 8 Mrs. S------, a most voluptuous lady, the discarded chere + amie of the late Lord F-1-d, said to be the best carriage + woman in the park: she lies in the Earl of H------- + --'s cabriolet most delightfully stretched out at full + length, and in this elegant posture is driven through the + park. + + 9 Captain T------l of the guards, whose powerful similitude + to the reigning family of England is not more generally + admitted than his good-humoured qualities are universally + admired. + + 10 The Hon. General U---------, aide-de-camp to the Duke of + York, whose intrigue with Lady Mary------------was, we have + heard, a planned affair to entrap a very different person. + Be that as it may, it answered the purpose, and did not + disturb the friendship of the parties. The honourable + general has obtained the appellation of the Park Adonis, + from his attractive figure and known gallantries. + +~169~~ + + A-----------y mark, a batter'd beau,{11} + Who'll still the fatal dice-box throw + Till not a guinea's left. + Beyond's the brothers B-----e,{12} + Of gold and acres quite as free, + By gaming too bereft. + Here trips commercial dandy Ra-k-s,{13} + + 11 Lord A------y, the babe of honour--once the gayest of + the gay, where fashion holds her bright enchanting court; + now wrinkled and depressed, and plucked of every feather, by + merciless Greek banditti. Such is the infatuation of play, + that he still continues to linger round the fatal table, and + finds a pleasure in recounting his enormous losses. A---y, + who is certainly one of the most polished men in the + world, was the leader of the dandy club, or the unique four, + composed of Beau Brummell, Sir Henry Mildmay, and Henry + Pierrepoint, the Ambassador, as he is generally termed. When + the celebrated dandy ball was given to his Majesty (then + Prince of Wales), on that occasion the prince seemed + disposed to cut Brummell, who, in revenge, coolly + observed to A------y, when he was gone,--"Big Ben was vulgar + as usual." This was reported at Carlton House, and led to + the disgrace of the exquisite.--Shortly afterwards he met the + Prince and A------y in public, arm in arm, when the former, + desirous of avoiding him, quitted the baron: Brummell, who + observed his motive, said loud enough to be heard by the + prince,--"Who is that fat friend of yours?" This expression + sealed his doom; he was never afterwards permitted the + honour of meeting the parties at the palace. The story of + "George, ring the bell," and the reported conduct of the + prince, who is said to have obeyed the request and ordered + Mr. Brummell's carriage, is, we have strong reasons for + thinking, altogether a fiction: Brummell knew the dignity of + his host too well to have dared such an insult. The king + since generously sent him 300L. when he heard of his + distress at Calais. Brummell was the son of a tavern-keeper + in St. James's, and is still living at Calais. + + 12 The brothers are part of a flock of R------r geese, who + have afforded fine plucking for the Greeks. Parson Ambrose, + the high priest of Pandemonium, had a leg of one and a wing + of the other devilled for supper one night at the Gothic + Hall. They have cut but a lame figure ever since. + + 13 A quaint cognomen given to the city banker by the west- + end beaux;--he is a very amiable man. + +~170~~ + + Who never plays for heavy stakes, + But looks to the main chance. + There's Georgy W-b-ll, all the go,{14} + The mould of fashion,--the court beau, + Since Brummell fled to France: + His bright brass harness, and the gray, + The well known black cabriolet, + Is always latest there; + The reason,--George, with Captain P------ + The lady-killing coterie, + Come late--to catch the fair. + See W-s-r, who with pious love,{15} + For her, who's sainted now above, + A sister kindly takes; + So, as the ancient proverb tells, + "The best of husbands, modern belles, + Are your reformed rakes." + In splendid mis'ry down the ride + Alone,--see ****** lady glide,{16} + Neglected for a--------. + What's fame, or titles, wealth's increase, + Compared unto the bosom's peace? + They're bubbles,--nothing more. + + 14 George, although a _roue_ of the most superlative order, + is not deficient in good sense and agreeable qualifications. + Since poor Beau Brummell's removal from the hemisphere of + fashion, George has certainly shone a planet of the first + magnitude: among the fair he is also considered like his + friend, Captain P-r-y, a perfect lady-killer:--many a little + milliner's girl has had cause to regret the seductive notes + of A.Z.B. Limmer's Hotel. + + 15 The Marquis of W-c-t-r has, since his first wife's death, + married her sister.--Reformation, we are happy to perceive, + is the order of the day. The failure of Howard and Gibbs + involved more than one noble family in embarrassments. + + 16 The amours of this child of fortune are notorious both on + the continent and in this country. It is very often the + misfortune of great men to be degraded by great profligacy + of conduct: the poor lady is a suffering angel. + +~171~~ + + Observe yon graceful modest group{17} + Who look like chaste Diana's troop, + The Ladies Molineaux; + With Sefton, the Nimrod of peers, + As old in honesty,--as years, + A stanch true buff' and blue. + "What portly looking man is that + In plain blue coat,--to whom each hat + Is moved in ride and walk!" + That pleasant fellow, be it known, + Is heir presumptive to the throne, + 'Tis Frederick of York.{18} + A better, kinder hearted soul + You will not And, upon the whole, + Within the British isle. + But see where P-t's wife appears,{19} + Who changed, though rather late in years, + For honest George Ar-le. + Now by my faith it gives me pain + + 17 The female branches of the Sefton family are superior to + the slightest breath of calumny, and present an example to + the peerage worthy of more general imitation. + + 18 No member of the present royal family displays more + agreeable qualifications in society than the heir + presumptive.--Un-affected, affable, and free, the duke may be + seen daily pacing St. James's-street, Pall-mall, or the + Park, very often wholly un-attended: as his person is + familiar to the public, he never experiences the slightest + inconvenience from curiosity, and he is so generally + beloved, that none pass him who know him without paying + their tribute of respect. In all the private relations of + life he is a most estimable man,--in his public situation + indefatigable, prompt, and attentive to the meanest applica- + tion. + + 19 A more lamentable instance of the profligacy of the age + cannot be found than in the history of the transaction which + produced this exchange of wives and persons. A wag of the + day published a new list of promotions headed as follows,-- + Lady B------n to be Lady A------r P-t,--by exchange--Lady P-t + to be Duchess of A------e,--by promotion--Lady Charlotte W--y + to be Lady P-t, vice Lady P-t, promoted. + +~172~~ + + To see thee, cruel Lady J-,{20} + Regret the golden Ball. + Tis useless now:--"the fox and grapes" + Remember, and avoid the apes + Which wait an old maid's fall. + Gay lady H-----e's twinkling star{21} + + 20 It is not long since that, inspired by love or ambition, + a wealthy commoner sought the promise of the fair hand of + Lady J-, nor was the consent of her noble father (influenced + by certain weighty reasons*) wanting to complete the + anticipated happiness of the suitor.--All the preliminary + forms were arranged,--jointure and pin money liberally + fixed,--some legal objections as to a covenant of forfeiture + overcame, a suitable establishment provided. The happy day + was fixed, when--"mark inconstant fickle woman"--the evening + previous to completion (to the surprise of all the town), + she changed her mind; she had reconsidered the subject!--The + man was wealthy, and attractive in person; but then-- + insupportable objection--he was a mere plebeian, a common + esquire, and his name was odious,--Lady J- B-1,--she could + never endure it: the degrading thought produced a fainting + fit,--the recovery a positive refusal,--the circumstance a + week's amusement to the fashionable world. Reflection and + disappointment succeeded, and a revival was more than once + spoken of; but the recent marriage of the bachelor put an + end to all conjecture, and the poor lady was for some time + left to bewail in secret her single destiny. Who can say, + when a lady has the golden ball at her foot, where she may + kick it? Circumstances which have occurred since the above + was written prove that the lady has anticipated our advice. + + 21 Her ladyship's crimson vis-a-vis and her tall footman + are both highly attractive--there are no seats in the + vehicle--the fair owner reclines on a splendid crimson velvet + divan or cushion. She must now be considered a beauty of the + last century, being already turned of fifty: still she + continued to flourish in the annals of--fashion, until + within the last few years; when she ceased to go abroad for + amusement, finding it more convenient to purchase it at + home. As her parties in Grosvenor-square are of the most + splendid description, and her dinners (where she is the + presiding deity, and the only one) are frequent, and + unrivalled for a display of the "savoir vivre," her ladyship + can always draw on the gratitude of her guests for that + homage to hospitality which she must cease to expect to her + charms, "now in the sear and yellow leaf:"--she is a M-nn- + rs-"verbum sal." Speaking of M-nn-ra, where is the portly + John (the Regent's double, as he was called some few years + since), and the amiable duchess, who bestowed her hand and + fortune upon him?--but, n'importe. + + * The marquis is said to have shown some aversion in the + first instance, till H-s B-1 sent his rent roll for his + inspection: this was immediately returned with a very + satisfactory reply, but accompanied with a more embarrassing + request, namely, a sight of his pedigree. + +~173~~ + + Glimmers in eclipse,--afar's + The light of former time. + In gorgeous pride and vis-a-vis,{22} + A-b-y's orange livry see, + The gayest in the clime. + Camac and wife, in chariot green, + Constant as turtle-doves are seen, + With two bronze slaves behind; + Next H-tf-d's comely, widow'd dame,{23} + With am'rous G------, a favourite name, + When G------was true and kind. + + 22 "The gorgeous A-b-y in the sun-flower's pride." This + lady's vis-a-vis by far the most splendidly rich on town. + Her footmen (of which there are four on drawing-room days) + are a proper emblem of that gaudy flower--bright yellow + liveries, black lower garments, spangled and studded. There + is a general keeping in this gorgeous equipage, which is + highly creditable to the taste of the marchioness, for the + marquis, "good easy man," (though a Bruce), he is too much + engaged preserving his game at Ro-er-n park, and keeping up + the game in St. Stephen's (where his influence is + represented by no less than eight "sound men and true"), to + attend to these trifling circumstances. This, with a well + paid rental of upwards of L100,000 per annum, makes the life + of this happy pair pass in an uninterrupted stream of + fashionable felicity. + + 23 The marchioness is said to bear the neglect of a certain + capricious friend with much cool philosophy. Soon after the + intimacy had ceased, they met by accident. On the sofa, by + the side of the inconstant, sat the reigning favourite; the + marchioness placed herself (uninvited) on the opposite side: + astonishment seized the ****; he rose, made a very graceful + bow to one of the ladies, and coolly observed to the + marchesa--"If this conduct is repeated, I must decline + meeting you in public." This was the cut royal. + +~174~~ + + See S-b-y's peeress, whom each fool + Of fashion meets in Sunday school,{24} + To chat in learned lore; + Where rhyming peers, and letter'd beaus, + Blue stocking belles to love dispose, + And wit is deem'd a bore. + With brave Sir Ronald, toe to toe, + See Mrs. M-h-l A-g-lo,{25} + Superb equestriana. + Next--that voluptuous little dame,{26} + Who sets the dandy world in flame, + The female Giovanni. + Erin's sprightly beauteous belle, + Gay Lady G-t-m, and her swell + The Yorkshire Whiskerandoes.{27} + + 24 The dulness of the marchioness's Sunday evening conver- + saziones have obtained them the fashionable appellation of + the Sunday-school. Lord Byron thought it highly dangerous + for any wit to accept a second invitation, lest he should be + inoculated with ennui. + + 23 Mrs. M- A-g-e, a very amiable and accomplished woman, + sister to Sir H-y V-ne T-p-t. She is considered the best + female equestrian in the ride. + + 26 A consideration for the delicacy of our fair readers + will not allow us to enter upon the numerous amours of this + favourite of Apollo and the Muses, and not less celebrated + intriguant. She may, however, have ample justice entailed + upon her under another head. Latterly, since the police have + been so active in suppressing the gaming houses, a small + party have met with security and profit for a little chicken + hazard in Curzon-street, at which Mr. C-t has occasionally + acted as croupier and banker. Elliston used to say, when + informed of the sudden indisposition or absence of a certain + little actress and singer-"Ay, I understand; she has a more + profitable engagement than mine this evening." The amorous + trio, Cl-g-t, Charles H-r-s, and the exquisite Master G-e, + may not have cause to complain of neglect. The first of + these gentlemen has lately, we understand, been very + successful at play; we trust experience will teach him + prudence. + + 27 His lordship commands the York hussars, in defence of + whose whiskers he sometime since made a Quixotic attack upon + a public writer. As he is full six feet high, and we are not + quite five, prudence bids us place our finger on our lip. + +~175~~ + + Pale Lambton, he who loves and hates + By turns, what Pitts, or Pit, creates, + Led by the Whig fandangoes. + Sound folly's trumpet, fashion's drums,-- + Here great A------y W------ce comes,{28} + 'Mong tailors, a red button. + With luminarious nose and cheeks, + Which love of much good living speaks, + Observe the city glutton: + Sir W-m, admiral of yachts, + Of turtles, capons, port, and pots, + In curricle so big. + Jack F-r follows;--Jack's a wag,{29} + + 28 A------y W------o, Esq. otherwise the renowned Billy + Button, the son and heir to the honours, fortune, and + shopboard of the late Billy Button of Bedford-street, Covent + Garden. The latter property he appears to have transferred + to the front of the old brown landau, where the aged + coachman, with nose as flat as the ace of clubs, sits, + transfixed and rigid as the curls of his caxon, from three + till six every Sunday evening, urging on a cabbage-fed pair + of ancient prods, which no exertion of the venerable Jehu + has been able for the last seven years to provoke into a + trot from Hyde park gate to that of Cumberland and back + again. The contents of the vehicle are equally an + exhibition. Billy, with two watches hung by one chain, + undergoing the revolutionary movements of buckets in a + well, and his eye-glass set round with false pearls, are + admirably "en suite" with his bugle optics. The frowsy + madam in faded finery, with all the little Buttons, attended + by a red-haired poor relation from Inverness (who is at once + their governess and their victim), form the happy tenantry + of this moving closet. No less than three, crests surmount + the arms of this descendant of Wallace the Great. A waggish + Hibernian, some few months since, added a fourth, by + chalking a goose proper, crested with a cabbage, which was + observed and laughed at by every one in the park except the + purblind possessor of the vehicle, who was too busy in + looking at himself. + + 29 Honest Jack is no longer an M.P., to the great regret of + the admirers of senatorial humours. Some few years since, + being Btuehi plenus, he reeled into St. Stephen's chapel a + little out of a perpendicular; when the then dignified Abbot + having called him to order, he boldly and vociferously + asserted that "Jack F-r of Rose-Hill was not to be set down + by any little fellow in a wig. "This offence against the + person and high office of the Abbot of St. Stephen's brought + honest Jack upon his knees, to get relieved from a + troublesome serjeant attendant of the chapel. Knowing his + own infirmities, and fearing perhaps that he might be com- + pelled to make another compulsory prayer, Jack resigned his + pretensions to senatorial honors at the last general + election. His chief amusement, when in town, is the watching + and tormenting the little marchandes des modes who cross + over or pass in the neighbourhood of Regent-street--he is, + however, perfectly harmless. 30 An unlucky accident, + occasioned by little Th-d the wine merchant overturning F-z-y + in his tandem, compelled the latter to sell out of the + army, but not without having lost a leg in the service. A + determined patriot, he was still resolved to serve his + country. A barrister on one leg might be thought ominous of + his client's cause, or afford food for the raillery of his + opponent. The bar was therefore rejected. But the church + opened her arms to receive the dismembered son of Mars (a + parson with a cork leg, or two wooden ones, or indeed + without a leg to stand on, was not un-orthodox), and F-z-y + was soon inducted to a valuable benefice. He is now, we + believe, a pluralist, and, if report be true, has shown + something of the old soldier in his method of retaining + them. F-y married Miss Wy-d-m, the daughter of Mrs. H-s, who + was the admired of his brother, L-d P-. He is generally + termed the fighting parson, and considered one of the best + judges of a horse in town: he sometimes does a little + business in that way among the young ones. + +~176~~ + + A jolly dog, who sports his nag, + Or queers the Speaker's wig: + To Venus, Jack is stanch and true; + To Bacchus pays devotion too, + But likes not bully Mars. + Next him, some guardsmen, exquisite,- + A well-dress'd troop;--but as to fight, + It may leave ugly scars. + Here a church militant is seen,{30} + Who'd rather fight than preach I ween, + Once major, now a parson; + With one leg in the grave, he'll laugh, + Chant up a pard, or quaintly chaff, + To keep life's pleasant farce on. + +~177~~ + + Lord Arthur Hill his Arab sports, + And gentle-usher to the courts: + See Horace and Kang C-k,{31} + Who, with the modern Mokamna + C-m-e, must ever bear the sway + For ugliness of look. + A pair of ancients you may spy,{32} + Sir Edward and Sir Carnaby, + From Brighton just set free; + The jesters of our lord the king, + Who loves a joke, and aids the thing + In many a sportive way. + A motley group come rattling on,{33} + + 31 Horace S-y-r, gentleman usher to the king, and K-g C-k, + said to be the ugliest man in the British army: in the park + he is rivalled only by C-c. For the benefit of all the + married ladies, we would recommend both of these + singularities to wear the veil in public. + + 32 Sir Ed-d N-g-e. His present majesty is not less fond of a + pleasant joke than his laughter-loving predecessor, Charles + II. The Puke of Clarence, while at the Pavilion (a short + time since), admired a favourite grey pony of Sir E-d N-e's; + in praise of whose qualities the baronet was justly liberal. + After the party had returned to the palace, the duke, in + concert with the k-g, slily gave directions to have the pony + painted and disfigured (by spotting him with water colour + and attaching a long tail), and then brought on the lawn. In + this state he was shown to Sir E--, as one every way + superior to his own. After examining him minutely, the old + baronet found great fault with the pony; and being, at the + duke's request, induced to mount him, objected to all his + paces, observing that he was not half equal to his grey. The + king was amazingly amused with the sagacity of the good- + humoured baronet, and laughed heartily at the astonishment + he expressed when convinced of the deception practised upon + him. Sir C-n-y H-s-ne, although a constant visitor at the + Pavilion, is not particularly celebrated for any attractive + qualification, unless it be his unlimited love of little + ladies. He is known to all the horse dealers round London, + from his constant inquiries for a "nice quiet little horse + to carry a lady;" but we never heard of his making a + purchase. + + 33 The middle order of society was formerly in England the + most virtuous of the three--folly and vice reared their + standard and recruited their ranks in the highest and the + lowest; but the medium being now lost, all is in the + extreme. The superlative dandy inhabitant of a first floor + from the ground in Bond-street, and the finished inhabitant + of a first floor from heaven (who lives by diving) in Fleet- + street, are in kindness and habits precisely the same. + +~178~~ + + Who ape the style and dress of ton, + And Scarce are worth review; + Yet forced to note the silly elves, + Who take such pains to note themselves, + We'll take a name or two. + H-s-ly, a thing of shreds and patches,{34} + Whose manners with his calling matches, + That is, he's a mere goose. + Old St-z of France, a worthy peer, + From shopboard rais'd him to a sphere + Of ornament and use. + The double dandy, fashion's fool, + The lubin log of Liverpool, + Fat Mister A-p-ll, + Upon his cob, just twelve hands high, + A mountain on a mouse you'll spy + Trotting towards the Mall. + Sir *-----*-, the chicken man,{35} + + 34 Young Priment, as he is generally termed, the once + dashing foreman and cutter out, now co-partner of the + renowned Baron St-z, recently made a peer of France. Who + would not be a tailor (St-z has retired with a fortune of + L100,000. )! Lord de C-ff-d, some time since objecting to + certain items in his son's bill from St-z, as being too + highly charged, said, "Tell Mr. S- I will not pay him, if it + costs me a thousand pounds to resist it. " St-z, on hearing + this, said, "Tell his lordship that he shall pay the + charge, if it costs me ten thousand to make him." H-s-ly + with some little satisfaction was displaying to a customer + the Prince of C-b-g's bill for three months (on the occasion + of his Highness's new field-marshal's suit, we suppose): + "Here," said he, "see what we have done for him: his + quarter's tailor's bill now comes to more than his annual + income formerly amounted to." Mr. H-s-ly sports a bit of + blood, a dennet, and a filly; and, for a tailor, is a + superfine sort of dandy, but with a strong scent of the shop + about him. + + 35 The redoubtable general's penchant for little girls has + obtained him the tender appellation of the chicken man. + Many of these _petits amours_ are carried on in the assumed + name of Sir Lewis N-t-n, aided by the skill and ingenuity + of Captain *-. Youth may plead whim and novelty for low + intrigue; but the aged beau can only resort to it from + vitiated habit. + +~179~~ + + With pimp *-a-t in the van, + The Spy of an old Spy; + Who beat up for recruits in town, + Mong little girls, in chequer'd gown, + Of ages rather shy. + That mild, complacent-looking face,{36} + Who sits his bit of blood with grace, + Is tragic Charley Young: + With dowager savant a beau, + Who'll spout, or tales relate, you know, + Nobility among. + "Sure such a pair was never seen" + By nature form'd so sharp and keen + As H-ds-n and Jack L-g; + Or two who've play'd their cards so well, + As many a pluck'd roue can tell, + Whose purses once were strong: + Both deal in pipes--and by the nose + Have led to many a green horn's woes + A few gay bucks to Surrey, + Where Marshal Jones commands in chief + A squadron, who to find relief + Are always in a hurry. + They're folloiv'd by a merry set-- + Cl-m-ris, L-n-x, young B-d-t, + Whom they may shortly follow. + That tall dismember'd dandy mark, + Who strolls dejected through the park, + With cheeks so lank and hollow; + That's Badger B-t-e, poet A-- + The mighty author of "To-day," + + 36 This truly respectable actor is highly estimated among a + large circle of polished society; where his amusing talents + and gentlemanly demeanour render him a most entertaining + and agreeable companion. + +~180~~ + + Forgotten of "To-morrow;" + A superficial wit, who 'll write + For Shandy little books of spite, + When cash he wants to borrow. + The pious soul who 's driving by, + And at the poet looks so shy, + Is parson A- the gambler;{37} + His deaf-lugg'd daddy a known blade + In Pandemonium's fruitful trade, + 'Mong Paphians a rambler. + Augusta H-ke (or C-i) moves + Along the path--her little doves-- + Decoys, upon each arm. + Where 's Jehu Martin, four-in-hand, + An exile in a foreign land + From fear of legal charm. + A pensioner of Cyprian queen, + The Bond-street tailor here is seen, + The tally-ho so gay. + Next P------s,{38} who by little goes, + + 37 The parson is so well known, and has been so plentifully + be-spattered on all sides, that we shall, with true orthodox + charity, leave him with a strong recommendation to the + notice of the society for the suppression of vice, with this + trite remark, "_Vide hic et ubique_." + + 38 This man, who is now reported to be worth three hundred + thousand pounds, was originally a piece-broker in Bedford- + bury, and afterwards kept a low public house in Vinegar- + yard, Drury-lane; from whence he merged into an illegal + lottery speculation in Northumberland-street, Strand, where + he realized a considerable sum by insurances and little + goes; from this spot he was transplanted to Norris-street, + in the Haymarket, managing partner in a gaming-house, when, + after a run of ill luck, an affair occurred that would have + occasioned some legal difficulty but for the oath of a + pastry-cook's wife, who proved an alibi, in return for which + act of kindness he afterwards made her his wife. Obtaining + possession of the rooms in Pall-Mall (then the celebrated + E. O. tables, and the property of W-, the husband, by a sham + warrant), the latter became extremely jealous; and, to make + all comfortable, our hero, to use his own phrase, generously + bought the mure and coll.--Mrs. W--and her son--both since + dead: the latter rose to very high rank in an honourable + profession. The old campaigner has now turned pious, and + recently erected and endowed a chapel. He used to boast he + had more promissory notes of gambling dupes than would be + sufficient to cover the whole of Pall-Mall; he may with + justice add, that he can command bank notes enough to cover + Cavendish-square. + +~181~~ + + And west-end hells, to fortune rose + By many a subtle way. + Patron of bull-baits, racings, fights, + A chief of black-legg'd low delights-- + 'Tis the new m------s, F-k; + Time was, his heavy vulgar gait, + With one of highest regal state + Took precedence of rank: + But now, a little in disgrace + Since J-e usurp'd his m------'s place, + A stranger he's at court; + Unlike the greatest and the best + Who went before, his feather'd nest + Is well enrich'd by sport. + F-1-y disastrous, honour's child; + L-t-he the giddy, gay, and wild, + And sportive little Jack; + The prince of dandies join the throng, + Where Gwydir spanks his fours along, + The silvery grays or black. + The charming F-te, and Colonel B-,{39} + Snugly in close carriage see + With crimson coats behind: + And Mrs. C--, the Christmas belle, + + 39 We shall not follow the colonel's example, or we could + give some extracts from the letters of a. female + corespondent of his that would be both curious and + interesting; but _n'importe_, consideration for the lady + alone prevents the publication. In town he is always + discovered by a group of would-be exquisites, the satellites + of the Jupiter of B-k-y C-t-e at Gl-r; or at Ch---------m + they have some name; but here they are more fortunate, for + o'er them oblivion throws the friendly veil. + +~182~~ + + With banker's clerk, a tale must tell + To all who are not blind. + Ah! Poodle Byng appears in view,{40} + Who gives at whist a point or two + To dowagers in years. + And see where ev'ry body notes + The star of fashion, Romeo Coates{41} + The amateur appears: + But where! ah! where, say, shall I tell + Are the brass cocks and cockle shell? + Ill hazard, rouge et noir + If it but speak, can tales relate + Of many an equipage's fate, + And may of many more. + Ye rude canaille, make way, make way, + The Countess and the Count--------,{42} + + 40 This gentleman is generally designated by the name of + "the whist man:" he holds a situation in the secretary of + state's office, and is in particular favour with all the old + dowagers, at whose card parties it is said he is generally + fortunate. He has recently been honoured with the situation + of grand chamberlain to their black majesties of the + Sandwich isles. + + 41 Poor Borneo's brilliancy is somewhat in eclipse, and + though not quite a fallen star, he must not run on black too + long,--lest his diamond-hilted sword should be the price of + his folly. + + 42 The Countess of ---------------is the daughter of + Governor J-----------; her mother's name was Patty F-d, the + daughter of an auctioneer who was the predecessor of the + present Mr. Christie's father. Patty, then a very beautiful + woman, went with him to India, and was a most faithfull and + attentive companion.--On the voyage home with J------- + -----and her three children, by him, the present countess, + and her brothers James and George, they touched at the Cape, + where the old governor most ungratefully fell in love with a + young Portuguese lady, whom he married and brought to + England in the same ship with his former associate, whom he + soon after completely abandoned, settling 500L. a year upon + her for the support of herself and daughter; his two sons, + James and George, he provided with writerships in the + company's service, and sent to India. James died young, and + George returned to England in a few years, worth 180,000 + pounds.--He lingered in a very infirm state of health, the + effects of the climate and Mrs. M-, alias Madame Haut Gout; + and at his death, being a bachelor, he left the present + countess, his sister who lived with him, the whole of his + property. There are various tales circulated in the + fashionable world relative to the origin and family of the + count, who has certainly been a most fortunate man: he is + chiefly indebted for success with the countess to his skill + as an amateur on the flute, rather than to his paternal + estates. The patron of foreigners, he takes an active part + in the affairs of the Opera-house.--Poor Tori having given + some offence in this quarter, was by his influence kept out + of an engagement; but it would appear he received some + amends, by the following extract from a fashionable paper of + the day. + + A certain fashionable------l, who was thought to be _au + comble de bonheur_, has lately been much tormented with that + green-eyed monster, Jealousy, in the shape of an opera + singer. _Plutot mourir que changer_, was thought to be the + motto of the pretty round-faced English------------s; but, + alas! like the original, it was written on the sands of + disappointment, and was scarcely read by the admiring + husband, before his joy was dashed by the prophetic wave, + and the inscription erased by a favoured son of Apollo. + _L'oreille est le chemin du cour_: so thought the ------l, + and forbade the ----------s to hold converse with Monsieur + T.; but _les femmes peuvent tout, parce-qu'elles gouvernent + ceux qui gouvernent tous_. A meeting took place in + Grosvenor-square, and, amid the interchange of doux yeux, + the ---------l arrived: a desperate scuffle ensued; the + intruder was banished the house, and, as he left the door, + is said to have whistled the old French proverb of _Le bon + temps viendra_. This affair has created no little amusement + among the _beau monde_. All the dowagers are fully agreed on + one point, that _l'amour est une passion qui vient souvent + sans qu'on s'en appercoive, et, qui s'en va aussi de meme_. + +~183~~ + + Who play _de prettee_ flute, + Who charm _une petit_ English ninnie, + Till all the Joueur J------'s guinea + Him _pochee en culotte_. + Who follows? 'tis the Signor Tori, + 'Bout whom the gossips tell a story, + With some who've gone before: + "The bird in yonder cage confined + Can sing of lovers young and kind," + But there, he'll sing no more. + +~184~~ + + Lord L------looks disconsolate,{}43 + No news from Spain I think of late, + Per favour M--------i. + Ne'er heed, my lord, you still may find + Some opera damsel true and kind, + Who'll prove less coy and naughty. + "Now by the pricking of my thumbs, + There's something wicked this way comes," + 'Tis A-'s false dame,{44} + Who at Almack's, or in the park, + With whispers charms a clucal spark, + To blight his wreath of fame. + Observe, where princely Devonshire,{45} + + 43 His lordship, though not quite so deeply smitten as the + now happy swain, had, we believe, a little __penchant for + the charming little daughter of Terpsichore. "What news + from Spain, my lord, this morning?" said Sir C. A. to Lord + L------"I have no connexion with the foreign office," + replied his lordship.--"I beg pardon, my lord, but I am sure + I met a Spanish messenger quitting your house as I entered + it." On the turf, his lordship's four year old (versus five) + speculations with Cove B-n have given him a notoriety that + will, we think, prevent his ruining himself at Newmarket. + Like the immortal F-e, he is one of the opera directors, and + has a great inclination for foreign curiosities. Vide the + following extract.-- + + "The New Corps de Ballot at the Opera this season, 1823, is + entirely composed of Parisian elegantes, selected with great + taste by Lord L---------, whose judgment in these matters is + perfectly con amore. In a letter to a noble friend on + this subject, Lord L--------says that he has seen, felt, and + (ap-) proved them all------to be excellent artistes with + very finished movements." + + Certain ridiculous reports have long been current in the + fashionable world, relative to a mysterious family affair, + which would preclude the noble duke's entering into the + state of matrimony: it is hardly necessary to say they have + no foundation in truth. The duke was certainly born in the + same house and at nearly the same time (in Florence) when + Lady E. F-st-r, since Duchess of D-, was delivered of a + child--but that offspring is living, and, much to the present + duke's honour, affectionately regarded by him. The duke was + for some years abroad after coming to his title, owing, it + is said, to an unpleasant affair arising out of a whist + party at a great house, which was composed of a Prince, + Lords L------and Y------th, another foreign Prince, and a + Colonel B-, of whom no one has heard much since.--A noble + mansion in Piccadilly was there and then assigned to the + colonel, who at the request of the -e, who had long wished + to possess it as a temporary residence, during some + intended repairs at the great house, re-conveyed it to + the------. On the receipt of a note from Y- the next + morning, claiming the amount of the duke's losses, he + started with surprise at the immense sums, and being now + perfectly recovered from the overpowering effects of the + bottle, hastened with all speed to take the opinions of two + well-known sporting peers, whose honour has never been + questioned, Lords F-y and S-n; they, upon a review of the + circumstances, advised that the money should not be paid, + but that all matters in dispute should be referred to a + third peer, Earl G-y, who was not a sporting man: to this + effect a note was written to the applicant, but not before + some communication had taken place with a very high + personage; the consequence was that no demand was ever + afterwards made to the referee. Lord G- C- afterwards re- + purchased the great house with the consent of the duke from + the fortunate holder, as he did not like it to be + dismembered from the family. We believe this circumstance + had a most salutary effect in preventing any return of a + propensity for play. + + 44 Charley loves good place and wine, + And Charley loves good brandy, + And Charley's wife is thought divine, + By many a Jack a dandy. + PARODY ON AN OLD NURSERY RHYME. + + {45} A CHARACTER OF DEVONSHIRE. + +[Illustration: page184] + +~185~~ + +[Illustration: page185] + +~186~~ + + In action, heart, and mind, a peer, + Avoids the public gaze; + Graceful, yet simple in attire, + You'd take him for a plain esquire; + "His acts best speak his praise." + That queer, plain, yellow chariot, mark, + Which drives so rapid through the park, + The servants clothed in gray-- + That's George, incog.--George who? George-king,{46} + Of whom near treason 'tis to sing, + In this our sportive lay. + Kings like their subjects should have air + And exercise, without the stare + Which the state show attends; + I love to see in public place + The monarch, who'll his people face, + And meet like private friends. + So may the crown of this our isle + Re ever welcomed with a smile, + And, George, that smile be thine! + Then when the time,--and come it must, + That crowns and sceptres shall be dust, + Thou shalt thy race outshine, + Shalt live in good men's hearts, and tears, + From age to age, while mem'ry rears + The proud historic shrine. + + 46 FROM THE DIARY OF A POLITICIAN. + "Through Manchester-square took a canter just now, + Met the old yellow chariot, and made a low bow; + This did of course, thinking 'twas loyal and civil, + But got such a look,--oh! 'twas black as the devil. + How unlucky!--incog, he was traveling about, + And I like a noodle must go find him out! + Mem. When next by the old yellow chariot I ride, + To remember there is nothing princely inside." + Tom Moore, + +~187~~ + + What rueful-looking knight is that,{47} + With sunken eye and silken hat, + + 47 Lord P-r-m, the delicate dandy. + + Laced up in stays to show his waist, + And highly rouged to show his taste, + His whiskers meeting 'neath his chin, + With gooseberry eye and ghastly grin, + With mincing steps, conceited phrase, + Such as insipid P- displays: + These are the requisites to shine + A dandy, exquisite, divine. + + Ancient Dandies.--A Confession. + The Doctor{*}, as we learn, once said, + To Mistress Thrale-- + Howe'er a man be stoutly made, + And free from ail, + In flesh and bone, and colour thrive, + "He's going down at 35." + Yet Horace could his vigour muster + And would not till a later lustre f + One single inch of ground surrender + To any swain in Cupid's calendar. + But one I think a jot too low, + And t'other is too high, I know. + Yet, what I've found, I'll freely state-- + The thing may do till.-- + But that's a job--for then, in truth, + One's but a clumsy sort of youth: + And maugre looks, some evil tongue + Will say the Dandy is not young:-- + For 'mid the yellow and the sear, {**} + Though here and there a leaf be green + No more the summer of the year + It is, than when one swallow's seen. + + * Johnson. + t---------------------fuge suspicari + Cujus octavum trepidavit otas + Claudere lustrum.--Od. 4.1. ii. + Now tottering on to forty years, + My age forbids all jealous fears. + + ** "My May of life is fallen into + the sear and yellow leaf."--Macbeth. + +~188~~ + + Pinch'd in behind and 'fore? + Whose visage, like La Mancha's chief, + Seems the pale frontispiece to grief, + As if 'twould ne'er laugh more: + Whose dress and person both defy + The poet's pen, the painter's eye, + 'Tis _outre tout nature_. + His Arab charger swings his tail, + Curvets and prances to the gale + Like Death's pale horse,-- + And neighing proudly seems to say, + Here Fashion's vot'ries must pay + Homage of course: + Tis P-h-m, whom Mrs. H-g-s + At opera and play-house dodges + Since he gain'd Josephine; + Tailors adorn a thousand ways, + And (though Time won't) men may make Slays; + The dentist, barber, make repairs, + New teeth supply, and colour hairs; + But art can ne'er return the Spring-- + And spite of all that she can do, + _A Beau's_ a very wretched thing + At 42! + + The late Princess Charlotte issued an order, interdicting + any one of her household appearing before her with frightful + fringes to their leaden heads. In consequence of this cruel + command, P-r-m, being one of the lords of the bed-chamber, + was compelled to curtail his immense whiskers. A very + feeling ode appeared upon the occasion, entitled My + Whiskers, dedicated to the princess; it was never printed, + but attributed to Thomas Moore. The Kiss, or Lady Francis W- + W-'s Frolic, had nearly produced a fatal catastrophe. How + would poor Lady Anne W-m have borne such a misfortune? or + what purling stream would have received the divine form of + the charming Mrs. H-d-s? But alas! he escaped little W-'s + ball, only to prove man's base ingratitude, for he has + since cut with both these beauties for the interesting + little Josephine, the protegee of T------y B-t, and the + sister of the female Giovanni. + +~189~~ + + Ye madly vicious, can it be! + A mother sunk in infamy, + To sell her child is seen. + Let Bow-street annals, and Tom B-t,{48} + Who paid the mill'ner, tell the rest, + It suits not with our page; + Just satire while she censures,--feels,-- + Verse spreads the vice when it reveals + The foulness of the age. + 'Tis half-past five, and fashion's train + No longer in Hyde Park remain, + Bon ton cries hence, away; + The low-bred, vulgar, Sunday throng, + Who dine at two, are ranged along + On both sides of the way; + With various views, these honest folk + Descant on fashions, quiz and joke, + Or mark a shy cock down{49}; + For many a star in fashion's sphere + Can only once a week appear + In public haunts of town, + Lest those two ever watchful friends, + The step-brothers, whom sheriff sends, + John Doe and Richard Roe, + A taking pair should deign to borrow, + To wit, until All Souls, the morrow, + The body of a beau; + + 48 Poor Tom B-t has paid dear for his protection of + the Josephine: fifteen hundred pounds for millinery in + twelve months is a very moderate expenditure for so young a + lady of fashion. It is, to be sure, rather provoking that + such an ape as Lord ------should take command of the + frigate, and sail away in defiance of the chartered party, + the moment she was well found and rigged for a cruize. See + Common Plea Reports, 1823 + + 49 The Sunday men, as they are facetiously called in the + fashionable world, are not now so numerous as formerly: the + facility of a trip across the Channel enables many a shy + cock to evade the scrutinizing eye and affectionate + attachment of the law. + + But Sunday sets the pris'ner free, + He shows in Park, and laughs with glee + At creditors and Bum. + Then who of any taste can bear + The coarse, low jest and vulgar stare + Of all the city scum, + Of fat Sir Gobble, Mistress Fig, + In buggy, sulky, coach, or gig, + With Dobbin in the shay? + At ev'ry step some odious face, + Of true mechanic cut, will place + Themselves plump in your way. + Now onward to the Serpentine, + A river straight as any line, + Near Kensington, let's walk; + Or through her palace gardens stray, + Where elegantes of the day + Ogle, congee, and talk. + Here imperial fashion reigns, + Here high bred belles meet courtly swains + By assignation. + Made at Almack's, Argyle, or rout, + While Lady Mother walks about + In perturbation, + Watching her false peer, or to make + A Benedict of some high rake, + To miss a titled prize. + Here, cameleon-colour'd, see + Beauty in bright variety, + Such as a god might prize. + Here, too, like the bird of Juno, + Fancy's a gaudy group, that you know, + Of gay _marchands des modes_. + Haberdashers, milliners, fops + From city desks, or Bond-street shops, + And belles from Oxford-road, + Crowds here, commingled, pass and gaze, + And please themselves a thousand ways; + +~191~~ + + Some read the naughty rhymes + Which are on ev'ry alcove writ, + Immodest, lewd attempt at wit, + Disgraceful to the times. + Here Scotland's dandy Irish Earl,{50} + With Noblet on his arm would whirl, + And frolic in this sphere; + With mulberry coat, and pink cossacks, + The red-hair'd Thane the fair attacks, + F-'s ever on the leer; + And when alone, to every belle + The am'rous beau love's tale will tell, + Intent upon their ruin. + Beware, Macduff, the fallen stars! + Venus aggrieved will fly to Mars; + There's mischief brewing. + What mountain of a fair is that, + Whose jewels, lace, and Spanish hat, + Proclaim her high degree, + With a tall, meagre-looking man, + Who bears her reticule and fan? + That was Maria D-, + Now the first favourite at court, + + 50 His lordship is equally celebrated in the wars of Mars + and Venus, as a general in the service of Spain. When Lord + M-d-ff, in the desperate bombardment of Matagorda (an old + fort in the Bay of Cadiz), the falling of a fragment of the + rock, struck by a shell, broke, his great toe; in this + wounded state he was carried about the alameda in a cherubim + chair by two bare-legged gallegos, to receive the + condolations of the grandees, and, we regret to add, the + unfeeling jeers of the British, who made no scruple to + assert that his lordship had, as usual, "put his foot in + it." The noble general would no doubt have added another + leaf to bis laurel under the auspices of the ex-smuggler, + late illustrissimo general Ballasteros, had not he suddenly + become a willing captive to the soul-subduing charms of the + beauteous Antonia of Terrifa, of whose history and + melancholy death we may speak hereafter. On a late occasion, + he has been honoured with the star of the Guelphic order + (when, for the first time in his life, he went on his + knees), as some amends for his sudden dismissal from the + bed-chamber. Noblet, who has long since been placed upon the + pension list, has recently retired, and is succeeded by a + charming little Parisian actress who lives in the New Road, + and plays with the French company now at Tottenham-street + theatre. Lord L---------has also a little interest in the + same concern. His lordship's _affaires des cour_ with + Antonia, Noblet, and M---------, though perfectly + platonic, have proved more expensive than the most + determined votary to female attractions ever endured: for + the gratification of this innocent passion, Marr's{*} mighty + pines have bit the dust, and friendly purses bled. + +~192~~ + + And, if we may believe report, + She holds the golden key + Of the backstairs, and can command + A potent influence in the land, + But K------N best can tell; + Tis most clear, no ill betide us, + Near the Georgium sidus + This planet likes to dwell. + Lovely as light, when morning breaks{51} + Above the hills in golden streaks, + Observe yon blushing rose, + Uxbridge, the theme of ev'ry tongue, + The sylph that charms the ag'd and young, + Where grace and virtue glows. + Gay Lady H-e her lounge may take,{52} + Reclining near the Indian lake., + And think she's quite secure; + + 51 The beautiful little countess, the charming goddess of + the golden locks, was a Miss Campbell, a near relation of + the Duke of Argyll. She is a most amiable and interesting + elegante. + + 52 Although Lord L-e is the constant attendant of Lady H-, + report says the attachment is merely platonic. His lordship + was once smitten with her sister; and having thero suffered + the most cruel disappointment, consoles himself for his loss + in the sympathizing society of Lady H------. + + * Marr Forest, belonging to his lordship, producing the + finest mast pines in the empire; the noble earl has lately + cut many scores of them ami some old friends, rather than + balk his fancy. + +~193~~ + + As well might C-1-ft hope to pass + Upon the town his C-----r lass + For genuine and pure. + See Warwick's charming countess glide,{53} + With constant Harry by her side, + Along the gay _parterre_; + And look where the loud laugh proclaims + The cits and their cameleon dames, + The gaudy Cheapside fair, + Drest in all colours o' the shop, + Fashion'd for the Easter hop, + To grace the civic feast, + Where the great Lord Mayor presides + O'er tallow, ribands, rags, and hides, + The sultan o' the east. + The would-be poet, Ch-s L-h,{54} + Comes saunt'ring with his graces three, + The little gay coquettes. + After, view the Cyprian corps + Of well-known traders, many score, + From Bang to Angel M-tz, + A heedless, giddy, laughing crew, + Who'd seem as if they never knew + Of want or fell despair; + Yet if unveil'd the heart might be, + You'd find the demon, Misery, + Had ta'en possession there. + Think not that satire will excuse, + Ye frail, though fair; or that the muse + Will silent pass ye by: + To you a chapter she'll devote, + Where all of fashionable note + + 53 Lady Sarah Saville, afterwards Lady Monson, now Countess + of Warwick, a most beautiful, amiable, and accomplished + woman. By constant "Harry" is meant her present earl. + + 54 See Amatory Poems by Ch-os L-h. We could indulge our + readers with a curious account of the demolition of the + Paphian car at Covent Garden theatre, but the story is + somewhat musty. + +~194~~ + + Shall find their history. + "Vice to be hated, needs but be seen;" + And thus shall ev'ry Paphian queen + Be held to public view; + And though protected by a throne, + The gallant and his Miss be shown + In colours just and true. + The countess of ten thousand see,{55} + The dear delightful Savante B-, + Who once was sold and bought: + The magic-lantern well displays + The scenes of long forgotten days, + And gives new birth to thought. + Nay, start not, here we'll not relate + The break-neck story gossips prate + Within the Em'rald Isle: + No spirit gray, or black, or brown, + We'll conjure up, with hideous frown, + To chase the dimpled smile. + In fleeting numbers, as we pass, + We find these shadows in our glass, + We move, and they're no more. + But see where chief of folly's train, + + 55 The beautiful and accomplished countess is a lovely + daughter of Hibernia; her maiden name was P-r, and her + father an Irish magistrate of high respectability. Her first + matrimonial alliance with Captain F-r proved unfortunate; an + early separation was the consequence, which was effected + through the intervention of a kind friend, Captain J-s of + the 11th. Shortly afterwards her fine person and superior + endowments of mind made an impression upon the earl that + nothing but the entire possession of the lady could allay. + The affair of Lord A- and Mrs. B- is too well known to need + repetition--it could not succeed a second time. Abelard F- + having paid the debt of nature, there was no impediment but + a visit to the temple of Hymen, on which point the lady was + determined; and the yielding suitor, wounded to the vital + part, most readily complied. It is due to the countess to + admit, that since her present elevation, her conduct has + been exemplary and highly praiseworthy. + +~195~~ + + Conceited, simple, rash, and vain, + Comes lib'ral master G-e,{56} + A dandy, half-fledged exquisite, + Who paid nine thousand pounds a night + To female Giovanni. + Reader, I think I hear you say, + "What pleasure had he for his pay?" + Upon my word, not any; + For soon as V-t-s got the cash, + She set off with a splendid dash + From Op'ra to Paris; + Left Cl-t and this simple fool,{67} + Who no doubt's been an easy tool, + To spend it with Charles H-s. + See, Carolina comes in view, + A Lamb, from merry Melbourne's ewe, + Who scaped the fatal knife. + H-ll-d's blue stocking rib appears, + Who makes amends in latter years + For early cause of strife. + Catullus George, the red-hair'd bard, + Whose rhymes, pedantic, crude, and hard, + He calls translations, + Follows the fair; a nibbling mouse + From Westminster, by Cam Hobhouse + Expell'd his station. + Now twilight, with his veil of gray, + The stars of fashion frights away + The carriage homeward rolls along + To music-party, cards and song, + + 56 A very singular adventure, which occurred in 1823. The + enamoured swain, after settling an annuity of seven hundred + pounds per annum upon the fair inconstant, had the + mortification to find himself abandoned on the very night + the deeds were completed, the lady having made a precipitate + retreat, with a more favoured lover, to Paris. The affair + soon became known, and some friends interfered, when the + deeds were cancelled. + + 57 Captain citizen Cl-t, an exquisite of the first order, + for a long time the favourite of the reigning sultana. + +~196~~ + + And many a gay delight. + The Goths of Essex-street may groan,{58} + Turn up their eyes, and inward moan, + They dare not here intrude; + Dare not attack the rich and great, + The titled vicious of the state, + The dissolute and lewd. + Vice only is, in some folks' eyes, + Immoral, when in rags she lies, + By poverty subdued; + But deck her forth in gaudy vest, + With courtly state and titled crest, + She's every thing that's good. + "Doth Kalpho break the Sabbath-day? + Why, Kalpho hath no funds to pay; + How dare he trespass then? + How dare he eat, or drink, or sleep, + Or shave, or wash, or laugh, or weep, + Or look like other men?" + My lord his concerts gives, 'tis true, + The Speaker holds his levee too, + And Fashion cards and dices; + But these are trifles to the sin + Of selling apples, joints, or gin-- + + 58 The present times have very properly been stigmatized as + the age of cant. The increase of the puritans, the + smooth-faced evangelical, and the lank-haired sectarian, + with their pious love-meetings and bible associations, have + at last roused the slumbering spirit of the constituted + authorities, who are now making the most vigorous efforts to + impede the progress of these anti-national and hypocritical + fanatics, who, mistaking the true dictates of religion and + benevolence, have, in their inflamed zeal, endeavoured to + extirpate every species of innocent recreation, and have + laid formidable siege to honest-hearted mirth and rustic + revelry. "I am no prophet, nor the son of one; "but if + ever the noble institutions of my country suffer any + revolutionary change, it is my humble opinion it will result + from these sainted associations, from these pious opposers + of our national characteristics, and the noblest institution + of our country, the foundation stone of our honour and + glory, the established church of England. There is (in my + opinion) more mischief to be apprehended to the state from + the humbug of piety than from all the violence of froth, + political demagogues, or the open-mouthed howl of the most + hungry radicals. Let it be understood I speak not against + toleration in its most extended sense, but war only with + hypocrisy and fanaticism, with those of whom Juvenal has + written--"_Qui aurios simulant el baechemalia vivinit_." + +~197~~ + + Low, execrable vices. + Cease, persecutors, mock reclaimers, + Ye jaundiced few, ye legal maimers + Of the lone, poor, and meek; + Ye moral fishers for stray gudgeons, + Ye sainted host of old curmudgeons, + Who ne'er the wealthy seek! + If moralists ye would appear, + Attack vice in its highest sphere, + The cause of all the strife; + The spring and source from whence does flow + Pollution o'er the plains below, + Through all degrees of life. + +[Illustration: page197] + + + + +THE OPERA. + + The Man of Fashion--Fop's Alley--Modern roue and + Frequenters--Characteristic Sketches in High Life--Blue + Stocking Illuminati--Motives and Mariners--Meeting with the + Honourable Lillyman Lionise--Dinner at Long's--Visit to the + Opera--Joined by Bob Transit--A Peep into the Green Room-- + Secrets behind the Curtain--Noble Amateurs and Foreign + Curiosities--Notes and Anecdotes by Horatio Heartly. + +~198~~ The Opera, to the man of fashion, is the only tolerable place of +public amusement in which the varied orders of society are permitted +to participate. Here, lolling at his ease, in a snug box on the first +circle, in dignified security from the vulgar gaze, he surveys the +congregated mass who fill the arena of the house, deigns occasionally +a condescending nod of recognition to some less fortunate _roue_, or +younger brother of a titled family, who is forcing his way through the +well-united phalanx of vulgar faces that guard the entrance to _Fop's +Alley_; or, if he should be in a state of single blessedness, inclines +his head a little forward to cast round an inquiring glance, a sort of +preliminary overture, to some fascinating daughter of fashion, whose +attention he wishes to engage for an amorous interchange of significant +looks and melting expressions during the last act of the opera. For the +first, he would not be thought so _outre_ as to witness it--the attempt +would require a sacrifice of the dessert and Madeira, and completely +revolutionize ~199~~ the regularity of his dinner arrangement. The +divertissement he surveys from the side wings of the stage, to which +privilege he is entitled as an annual subscriber; trifles a little +badinage with some well-known operatic intriguant, or favourite +danseusej approves the finished movements of the male artistes, inquires +of the manager or committee the forthcoming novelties, strolls into the +green room to make his selection of a well-turned ankle or a graceful +shape, and, having made an appointment for some non play night, makes +one of the distinguished group of operatic cognoscenti who form the +circle of taste in the centre of the stage on the fall of the curtain. + +This is one, and, perhaps, the most conspicuous portrait of an opera +frequenter; but there are a variety of characters in the same school all +equally worthy of a descriptive notice, and each differing in contour +and force of chiaroscuro as much as the one thousand and one family +maps which annually cover the walls of the Royal Academy, to the +exclusion of meritorious performances in a more elevated branch of +art. The Dowager Duchess of A------ retains her box to dispose of her +unmarried daughters, and enjoy the gratification of meeting in public +the once flattering groups of noble expectants who formerly paid their +ready homage to her charms and courted her approving smile; but then her +ducal spouse was high in favour, and in office, and now these "summer +flies o' the court" are equally steady in their devotion to his +successor, and can scarcely find memory or opportunity to recognise +the relict of their late ministerial patron. Lord E------ and the +Marchioness of R.------ subscribe for a box between them, enjoying the +proprietorship in alternate weeks. During the Marchesa's periods of +occupation you will perceive Lady H., and the whole of the blue stocking +illuminati, irradiating from this point, like the tributary stars round +some major planet, forming ~200~~ a grand constellation of attraction. +Here new novels, juvenile poets, and romantic tourists receive their +fiat, and here too the characters of one half the fashionable world +undergo the fiery ordeal of scrutinization, and are censured or +applauded more in accordance with the prevailing on dits of the day, or +the fabrications of the club, than with any regard to feeling, truth, or +decorum. The following week-, how changed the scene!--the venerable +head of the highly-respected Lord E------ graces the corner, like a +Corinthian capital finely chiseled by the divine hand of Praxiteles; +the busy tongue of scandal is dormant for a term, and in her place +the Solons of the land, in solemn thoughtfulness, attend the sage +injunctions of their learned chief. Too enfeebled by age and previous +exertion to undergo the fatigues of parliamentary duty, the baron here +receives the visits of his former colleagues, and snatching half an hour +from his favourite recreation, gives a decided turn to the politics of +a party by the cogency of his reasoning and the brilliancy of his +arguments. The Earl of F------has a grand box on the ground tier, for +the double purpose of admiring the chaste evolutions of the sylphic +daughters of Terpsichore, and of being observed himself by all the +followers of the cameleon-like, capricious goddess, Fashion. + +The G------B-----, the wealthy commoner, Fortune's favoured child, +retains a box in the best situation, if not on purpose, yet in fact, to +annoy all those within hearing, by the noisy humour of his Bacchanalian +friends, who reel in at the end of the first act of the opera, full +primed with the choicest treasures of his well stocked bins, to quiz the +young and modest, insult the aged and respectable, and annihilate the +anticipated pleasures of the scientific and devotees of harmony, by the +coarseness of their attempts at wit, the overpowering clamour of their +conversation, and ~201~~ the loud laugh and vain pretence to taste and +critic skill. + +The ministerialists may be easily traced by their affectation of +consequence, and a certain air of authority joined to a demi-official +royal livery, which always distinguishes the corps politique, and is +equally shared by their highly plumed female partners. The opposition +are equally discernible by outward and visible signs, such as an assumed +nonchalance, or apparent independence of carriage, that but ill suits +the ambitious views of the wearer, and sits as uneasily upon them as +their measures would do upon the shoulders of the nation. Added to +which, you will never see them alone; never view them enjoying the +passing scene, happy in the society of their accomplished wives and +daughters, but always, like restless and perturbed spirits, congregating +together in conclave, upon some new measure wherewith to sow division +in the nation, and shake the council of the state. And yet to both +these parties a box at the opera is as indispensable as to the finished +courtezan, who here spreads her seductive lures to catch the eye, and +inveigle the heart of the inexperienced and unwary. + +But what has all this to do with the opera? or where will this romantic +correspondent of mine terminate his satirical sketch? I think I hear +you exclaim. A great deal more, Mr. Collegian, than your philosophy +can imagine: you know, I am nothing if not characteristic; and this, I +assure you, is a true portrait of the place and its frequenters. I +dare say, you would have expected my young imagination to have been +encompassed with delight, amid the mirth-inspiring compositions of +Corelli, Mozart, or Rossini, warbled forth by that enchanting siren, De +Begnis, the scientific Pasta, the modest Caradori, or the astonishing +Catalani:--Heaven enlighten your unsuspicious mind! Attention to the +merits of the ~202~~ performance is the last thing any fashionable of +the present day would think of devoting his time to. No, no, my dear +Bernard, the opera is a sort of high 'Change, where the court circle and +people of ton meet to speculate in various ways, and often drive as +hard a bargain for some purpose of interest or aggrandisement, as the +plebeian host of all nations, who form the busy group in the grand civic +temple of commerce on Cornbill. You know, I have (as the phrase is), +just come out, and of course am led about like a university lion, by +the more experienced votaries of ton. An accident threw the honourable +Lillyman Lionise into my way the other morning; it was the first time we +had met since we were at Eton: he was sauntering away the tedious +hour in the Arcade, in search of a specific for ennui, was pleased +to compliment me on possessing the universal panacea, linked arms +immediately, complained of being devilishly cut over night, proposed +an adjournment to Long's--a light dinner--maintenon cutlets--some of the +Queensberry hock{1} (a century and a half old)--ice-punch-six whin's +from an odoriferous hookah--one cup of renovating fluid (impregnated +with the Parisian aromatic {2}); and then, having reembellished our +persons, sported{3} a figure at the opera. In the grand entrance, we +enlisted Bob Transit, between whom and the honourable, I congratulated +myself on being in a fair way to be enlightened. Bob knows every +body--the exquisite was not so general in his information; but then +he occasionally furnished some little anecdote of the surrounding +elegantes, relative to affairs de l'amour, or pointed out the +superlative of the haut class, without which much of the interesting +would have escaped my notice. + + 1 The late Duke of Queensberry's famous old hock, which + since his decease was sold by auction. + + 2 A Parisian preparation, which gives a peculiar high + flavour and sparkling effect to coffee. + + 3 An Oxford phrase. + +~203~~ + +In this society, I made my first appearance in the green room; a +little, narrow, pink saloon at the back of the stage, where the dancers +congregate and practise before an immense looking-glass previous to +their appearance in public. + +To a fellow of warm imagination and vigorous constitution, such a scene +is calculated to create sensations that must send the circling current +into rapid motion, and animate the heart with thrilling raptures of +delight. Before the mirror, in all the grace of youthful loveliness +and perfect symmetry of form, the divine little fairy sprite, the +all-conquering Andalusian Venus, Mercandotti, was exhibiting her soft, +plump, love-inspiring person in pirouette: before her stood the now +happy swain, the elegant H------ B-, on whose shoulder rested the +Earl of Fe-, admiring with equal ecstasy the finished movements of his +accomplished protegee{4}; on the right hand of the earl stood the single +duke of D--------------e, quizzing the little daughter of Terpsichore +through his eye-glass; on the opposite of the circle was seen the noble + + 4 It was very generally circulated, and for some time + believed, that the charming little Andalusian Venus was the + natural daughter of the Earl of F-e: a report which had not + a shadow of truth in its foundation, but arose entirely out + of the continued interest the earl took in the welfare of + the lady from the time of her infancy, at which early period + she was exhibited on the stage of the principal theatre in + Cadiz as an infant prodigy; and being afterwards carried + round (as is the custom in Spain) to receive the personal + approval and trifling presents of the grandees, excited such + general admiration as a beautiful child, that the Earl of F- + e, then Lord M- and a general officer in the service of + Spain, adopted the child, and liberally advanced funds for + her future maintenance and instruction, extending his bounty + and protection up to the moment of her fortunate marriage + with her present husband. It is due to the lady to add, that + in every instance her conduct has been marked by the + strictest sense of propriety, and that too in situations + where, it is said, every attraction was offered to have + induced a very opposite course. + +~204~~ + +musical amateur B-----h, supported by the director De R-s on one hand, +and the communicative manager, John Ebers, of Bond-street, on the other; +in a snug corner on the right hand of the mirror was seated one of his +majesty's most honourable privy council, the Earl of W-----d, with a +double Dollond's operatic magnifier in his hand, studying nature +from this most delightful of all miniature models. "A most perfect +divinity," whispered the exquisite. "A glorious fine study," said +Transit,--and, pulling out his card-case and pencil, retired to one +corner of the room, to make a mem., as he called it, of the scene. +(See Plate.) "Who the deuce is that eccentric-looking creature with +the Marquis of Hertford?" said I. "Hush," replied the exquisite, "for +heaven's sake, don't expose yourself! Not to know the superlative roue +of the age, the all-accomplished Petersham, would set you down for a +barbarian at once." "And who," said I, "is the amiable fair bending +before the admiring Worter?" "An old and very dear acquaintance of the +Earl of F-e, Mademoiselle Noblet, who, it is said, displays much cool +philosophy at the inconstancy of her once enamoured swain, consoling +herself for his loss, in the enjoyment of a splendid annuity." A host +of other bewitching forms led my young fancy captive by turns, as my eye +travelled round the magic circle of delight: some were, I found, of +that yielding spirit, which can pity the young heart's fond desire; with +others had secured honourable protection: and if his companion's report +was to be credited, there were very few among the enchanting spirits +before yet with whom that happiness which springs from virtuous pure +affection was to be anticipated. If was no place to moralize, but, to +you who know my buoyancy of spirit, and susceptibility of mind, I must +confess, the reflection produced a momentary pang of the keenest misery. + +[Illustration: page205] + + + + +THE ROYAL SALOON. + + Visit of Heartly, Lionise, and Transit--Description of the + Place--Sketches of Character--The Gambling Parsons--Horse + Chaunting, a true Anecdote--Bang and her Friends--Moll Raffle + and the Marquis W.--The Play Man--The Touter--The Half-pay + Officer--Charles Rattle, Esq.--Life of a modern Roue-B------ + the Tailor--The Subject--Jarvey and Brooks the Dissector-- + "Kill him when you want him" + +~205~~ After the opera, Bob Transit proposed an adjournment to the Royal +Saloon, in Piccadilly, a place of fashionable resort (said Bob) for +shell-fish and sharks, Greeks and pigeons, Cyprians and citizens, +noble and ignoble--in short, a mighty rendezvous, where every variety +of character is to be found, from the finished sharper to the finished +gentleman; a scene pregnant with subject for the pencil of the humorist, +and full of the richest materials for the close observer of men and +manners. Hither we retired to make a night of it, or rather to consume +the hours between midnight and morning's dawn. The place itself is +fitted up in a very novel and attractive style of decoration, admirably +calculated for a saloon of pleasure and refreshment; but more resembling +a Turkish kiosk than an English tavern. On the ground floor, which is of +an oblong form and very spacious, are a number of divisions enclosed on +each side with rich damask curtains, having each a table and seats for +the reception of supper or drinking parties; at the extreme end, +and ~206~~ on each side, mirrors of unusual large dimensions give an +infinity of perspective, which greatly increases the magnificence of the +place. In the centre of the room are pedestals supporting elegant vases +filled with choice exotics. A light and tasteful trellis-work surrounds +a gallery above, which forms a promenade round the room, the walls being +painted to resemble a conservatory, in which the most luxuriant shrubs +are seen spreading their delightful foliage over a spacious dome, from +the centre of which is suspended a magnificent chandelier. Here are +placed, at stated distances, rustic tables, for the accommodation of +those who choose coffee and tea; and leading from this, on each side, +are several little snug private boudoirs for select parties, perfectly +secure from the prying eye of vulgar curiosity, and where only the +privileged few are ever permitted to enter. It was in this place, +surrounded by well-known Greeks, with whom he appeared to be on the +most intimate terms, that Transit pointed out to my notice the eccentric +Vicar of K**, the now invisible author of L****, whose aphorisms and +conduct bear not the slightest affinity to each other--nor was he the +only clerical present; at the head of a jolly party, at an adjoining +table, sat the ruby-faced Parson John A-----e, late proprietor of the +notorious Gothic Hall, in Pall Mall, a man of first rate wit and talent, +but of the lowest and most depraved habits. "The Divine is a character" +said Bob, "who, according to the phraseology of the ring, is 'good at +every thing:' as he came into the world without being duly licensed, so +he thinks himself privileged to pursue the most unlicensed conduct in +his passage through it. As a specimen of his ingenuity in horse-dealing, +I'll give you an anecdote.--It is not long since that the parson invited +a party of bucks to dinner, at his snug little villa on the banks of the +Thames, near Richmond, in Surrey. Previous to the repast, the reverend +~207~~ led his visitors forth to admire the gardens and surrounding +scenery, when just at the moment they had reached the outer gate, a fine +noble-looking horse was driven past in a tilbury by a servant in a +smart livery.--'What a magnificent animal!' said the parson; 'the finest +action I ever beheld in my life: there's a horse to make a man's fortune +in the park, and excite the envy and notice of all the town.' 'Who does +he belong to?' said a young baronet of the party, who had just come out. +'I'll inquire,' said the parson: 'the very thing for you, Sir John.' +Away posts the reverend, bawling after the servant, 'Will your master +sell that horse, my man?' 'I can't say, sir,' said the fellow, 'but I +can inquire, and let you know.' 'Do, my lad, and tell him a gentleman +here will give a handsome price for him.' Away trots the servant, and +the party proceed to dinner. As soon as the dessert is brought in, and +the third glass circulated, the conversation is renewed relative to the +horse--the whole party agree in extolling his qualities; when, just in +the nick of time, the servant arrives to say his master being aged +and infirm, the animal is somewhat too spirited for him, and if the +gentleman likes, he may have him for one hundred guineas. 'A mere +trifle,' vociferates the company. 'Cheap as Rivington's second-hand +sermons,' said the parson. The baronet writes a check for the money, and +generously gives the groom a guinea for his trouble--drives home in high +glee--and sends his servant down next morning to the parson's for his +new purchase--orders the horse to be put into his splendid new tilbury, +built under the direction of Sir John Lade--just reaches Grosvenor-gate +from Hamilton-place in safety, when the horse shows symptoms of being a +miller. Baronet, nothing daunted, touches him smartly under the flank, +when up he goes on his fore-quarters, smashes the tilbury into ten +thousand pieces, bolts away with the traces and shafts, and leaves +the baronet with a broken head ~208~~ on one side of the road, and his +servant with a broken arm on the other. 'Where the devil did you get +that quiet one from, Sir John!' said the Honourable Fitzroy St-----e, +whom the accident had brought to the spot. + +'The parson bought him of an old gentleman at Richmond yesterday for +me.' 'Done, brown as a berry,' said Fitzroy: 'I sold him only on +Saturday last to the reverend myself for twenty pounds as an incurable +miller. Why the old clerical's turned coper{1}--;a new way of raising the +wind--letting his friends down easy--gave you a good dinner, I suppose, +Sir John, and took this method of drawing the bustle{2} for it: an old +trick of the reverend's.' After this it is hardly necessary to say, the +servant was a confederate, and the whole affair nothing more or less +than a true orthodox farce of horse chaunting,{3} got up for the express +purpose of raising a temporary supply."{4} + + 1 A horse-dealer. + + 2 Money. + + 3 Tricking persons into the purchase of unsound or vicious + horses. + + 4 A practice by no means uncommon among a certain + description of dashing characters, who find chaunting a + horse to a green one, a snug accidental party at chicken + hazard, or a confederacy to entrap some inexperienced bird + of fashion, where he may be plucked by Greek banditti, pay + exceedingly well for these occasional dinner parties. + +At this moment our attention was engaged by the entrance of a party of +exquisites and elegantes, dressed in the very extreme of opera costume, +who directed their steps to the regions above us. "I'll bet a hundred," +said the honourable, "I know that leg," eyeing a divine little foot and +a finely turned ankle that was just then discernible from beneath a rich +pink drapery, as the possessor ascended the gallery of the conservatory, +lounging on the arm of the Irish Earl of C------; " the best leg in +England, and not a bad figure for an ancient," continued Lionise: "that +is the celebrated Mrs. Bertram, alias Bang--everybody ~209~~ knows Bang; +that is, every body in the fashionable world. She must have been a most +delightful creature when she first came out, and has continued longer in +bloom than any of the present houris of the west; but I forgot you were +fresh, and only in training, Heartly--I must introduce you to Bang: you +will never arrive at any eminence among the haut classe unless you can +call these beauties by name." "And who the deuce is Bang?" said I: "not +that elegantly-dressed female whom I see tripping up the gallery stairs +yonder, preceded by several other delightful faces." "The same, my dear +fellow: a fallen star, to be sure, but yet a planet round whose +orbit move certain other little twinkling luminaries whose attractive +glimmerings are very likely to enlighten your obscure sentimentality. +Bang was the daughter of a bathing-woman at Brighton, from whence she +eloped early in life with a navy lieutenant-has since been well known as +a dasher of the first water upon the pave--regularly sports her carriage +in the drive--and has numbered among her protectors, at various times, +the Marquis W------, Lord A------, Colonel C------, and, lastly, a +descendant of the mighty Wallace, who, in an auto-biographical sketch, +boasts of his intimacy with this fascinating cyprian. She has, however, +one qualification, which is not usually found among those of her +class--she has had the prudence to preserve a great portion of her +liberal allowances, and is now perfectly independent of the world. +We must visit one of her evening parties in the neighbourhood of +Euston-square, when she invites a select circle of her professional +sisters to a ball and supper, to which entertainment her male visitors +are expected to contribute liberally. She has fixed upon the earl, I +should think, more for the honour of the title than with any pecuniary +hopes, his dissipation having left him scarce enough to keep up +appearances." "The amiable who precedes her," said I, "is of the same +class, I ~210~~ presume--precisely, and equally notorious." "That is +the celebrated Mrs. L------, better known as Moll Raffle, from the +circumstance of her being actually raffled for, some years since, by the +officers of the seventh dragoons, when they were quartered at Rochester: +like her female friend, she is a woman of fortune, said to be worth +eighteen hundred per annum, with which she has recently purchased +herself a Spanish cavalier for a husband. A curious anecdote is related +of Moll and her once kind friend, the Marquis of W--------, who is said +to have given her a bond for seven thousand pounds, on a certain great +house, not a mile from Hyde-park corner, which he has since assigned +to a fortunate general, the present possessor; who, thinking his title +complete, proceeded to take possession, but found his entry disputed by +the lady, to whom he was eventually compelled to pay the forfeiture of +the bond. Come along, my boy," said Lionise; "I'll introduce you at +once to the whole party, and then you can make your own selection." "Not +at present: I came here for general observation, not private intrigue, +and must confess I have seldom found a more diversified scene." + +"I beg pardon, gentlemen," said an easy good-looking fellow, with +something rather imposing in his manner--"Shall I intrude here?--will +'you permit me to take a seat in your box?" "By all means," replied +I; Bob, at the same moment, pressing his elbow into my side, and the +exquisite raising his glass very significantly to his eye, the stranger +continued--"A very charming saloon this, gentlemen, and the company +very superior to the general assemblage at such places: my friend, the +Earl of C------, yonder, I perceive, amorously engaged; Lord P------, +too, graces the upper regions with the delightful Josephine: really this +is quite the cafe royal of London; the accommodation, too, admirable--not +merely confined to refreshments; I am told there are excellent billiard +~211~~ tables, and snug little private rooms for a quiet rubber, or a +little chicken hazard. Do you play, gentlemen? very happy to set you for +a main or two, by way of killing time." That one word, play, let me +at once into the secret of our new acquaintance's character, and fully +explained the distant reception and cautious bearing of my associates. +My positive refusal to accommodate produced a very polite bow, and the +party immediately retired to reconnoitre among some less suspicious +visitants. "A nibble," said Transit, "from an ivory turner."{5} "By +the honour of my ancestry," said Lionise, "a very finished sharper; +I remember Lord F------ pointing him out to me at the last Newmarket +spring meeting, when we met him, arm in arm, with a sporting +baronet. What the fellow was, nobody knows; but he claims a military +title--captain, of course--perhaps has formerly held a lieutenancy in a +militia regiment: he now commands a corps of sappers on the Greek staff, +and when he honoured us with a call just now was on the recruiting +service, I should think; but our friend, Heartly, here, would not stand +drill, so he has marched off on the forlorn hope, and is now, you may +perceive, concerting some new scheme with a worthy brother touter,{6} +who is on the half pay of the British army, and receives full pay in +the service of the Greeks. We must make a descent into hell some night," +said Transit, "and sport a few crowns at roulette or rouge et noir, +to give Heartly his degree. We shall proceed regularly upon college +principles, old fellow: first, we will visit the Little Go in +King-street, and then drop into the Great Go, alias Watiers, in +Piccadilly; after which we can sup in Crockford's pandemonium among +parliamentary pigeons, unfledged + + 5 A tats man, a proficient with the bones, one who knows + every chance upon the dice. + + 6 A decoy, who seduces the young or inexperienced to the + gaming table, and receives a per centage upon their losses. + +~212~~ ensigns of the guards, broken down titled legs, and ci-devant +bankers, fishmongers, and lightermen; and here comes the very fellow +to introduce us--an old college chum, Charles Rattle, who was expelled +Brazennose for smuggling, and who has since been pretty well plucked by +merciless Greek banditti and Newmarket jockeys, but who bears his losses +with the temper of a philosopher, and still pursues the destructive vice +with all the infatuation of the most ardent devotee." "How d'ye do, +old fellows?--how d'ye do? Who would have thought to have met the +philosopher (pointing to me) at such a place as this, among the impures +of both sexes, legs and leg-ees? Come to sport a little blunt with the +table or the traders, hey! Heartly? Always suspected you was no puritan, +although you wear such a sentimental visage. Well, old fellows, I am +glad to see you, however,--come, a bottle of Champagne, for I have just +cast off all my real troubles--had a fine run of luck to-night--broke the +bank, and bolted with all the cash. Just in the nick of time-off for +Epsom to-morrow--double my bets upon the Derby, and if the thing comes +off right, I'll give somebody a thousand or two to tie me up from +playing again above five pounds stakes as long as I live. The best thing +you ever heard in your life--a double to do. Ned C-----d having heard I +had just received a few thousands, by the sale of the Yorkshire acres, +planned it with Colonel T----- to introduce me to the new club, where a +regular plant was to be made, by some of his myrmidons, to clear me out, +by first letting me win a few thousands, when they were to pounce upon +me, double the stakes, and finish me off in prime style, fleecing me out +of every guinea--very good-trick and tie, you know, is fair play--and +for this very honest service, my friend, the colonel, was to receive a +commission, or per centage, in proportion to my losses: the very last +man in the world that the old pike could ~213~~ have baited for in that +way--the colonel's down a little, to be sure, but not so low as to turn +confederate to a leg--so suppressed his indignation at the +proposition, and lent himself to the scheme, informing me of the whole +circumstances--well, all right--we determined to give the old one +a benefit--dined with him to-day--a very snug party--devilish good +dinner--superb wines--drank freely--punished his claret--and having +knocked about Saint Hugh's bones{7} until I was five thousand in pocket, +politely took my leave, without giving the parties their revenge. Never +saw a finer scene in the course of my life-such queer looks, and long +faces, and smothered wailings when they found themselves done by a brace +of gudgeons, whom they had calculated upon picking to the very bones! +Come, old fellows, a toast: Here's Fishmonger's Hall, and may every +suspected gudgeon prove a shark." + +The bottle now circulated freely, and the open-hearted Rattle delighted +us with the relation of some college anecdotes, which I shall reserve +for a hearty laugh when we meet. The company continued to increase +with the appearance of morning; and here might be seen the abandoned +profligate, with his licentious female companion, completing the +night's debauch by the free use of intoxicating liquors--the ruined +spendthrift, fresh from the gaming-table, loudly calling for wine, to +drown the remembrance of his folly, and abusing the drowsy waiter only +to give utterance to his irritated feelings. In a snug corner might be +seen a party of sober, quiet-looking gentlemen, taking their lobster and +bucellas, whose first appearance would impress you with the belief of +their respectability, but whom, upon inquiry, you would discover to be +Greek banditti, retired hither to divide their ill gotten spoils. It was +among a party of this description that Rattle pointed out a celebrated +writer, whose lively style and accurate description of + + 7 Saint Hugh's bones, a cant phrase for dice. + +~214~~ men and manners display no common mind. Yet here he was seen +associated with the most depraved of the human species--the gambler by +profession, the common cheat! What wonder that such connexions should +have compelled him for a time to become an exile to his country, and on +his return involved him in a transaction that has ended in irretrievable +ruin and disgrace? "By the honour of my ancestry," said Lionise, +"yonder is that delectable creature, old Crony, the dinner many that +is the most surprising animal we have yet found among the modern +discoveries--polite to and point--always well dressed--keeps the best +society--or, I should say, the best society keeps him: to an amazing fund +of the newest on dits and anecdotes of ton, always ready cut and dried, +he joins a smattering of the classics, and chops logic with the learned +that he may carve their more substantial fare gratis; has a memory +tenacious as a chief judge on matter of invitation, and a stomach +capacious as a city alderman in doing honour to the feast; pretends to +be a connoisseur in wines, although he never possessed above one bottle +at a time in his cellaret, I should think, in the whole course of his +life; talks about works of art and virtu as if Sir Joshua Reynolds had +been his nurse--Claude his intimate acquaintance--or Praxiteles his +great great grandfather. The fellow affects a most dignified contempt +for the canaille, because, in truth, they never invite him to dinner--is +on the free list of all the theatres, from having formerly been freely +hiss'd upon their boards--a retired tragedy king on a small pension, with +a republican stomach, who still enacts the starved apothecary at home, +from penury, and liberally crams his voracious paunch, stuffing like +Father Paul, when at the table of others. With these habits, he has just +managed to scrape together some sixty pounds per annum, upon which, by +good management, he contrives to live like an emperor; for instance, he +keeps a regular book of ~215 invitations, numbers his friends according +to the days of the year, and divides and subdivides them in accordance +with their habits and pursuits, so that an unexpected invitation +requires a reference to his journal: if you invite him for Saturday +next, he will turn to his tablets, apologise for a previous engagement, +run his eye eagerly down the column for an occasional absentee, and +then invite himself for some day in the ensuing week, to which your +politeness cannot fail to accede. You will meet him in London, Brighton, +Bath, Cheltenham, and Margate during the fashionable periods; at all +of which places he has his stated number of dinner friends, where his +presence is as regularly looked for as the appearance of the swallow. +Among the play men he is useful as a looker on, to make one at the table +when they are thin of customers, or to drink a young one into a proper +state for plucking: in other society he coins compliments for the fair +lady of the mansion, extols his host's taste and good fellowship at +table, tells a smutty story to amuse the _bon vivants_ in their cups, or +recites a nursery rhyme to send the children quietly to bed; and in this +manner Crony manages to come in for a good dinner every day of his +life. Call on him for a song, and he'll give you, what he calls, a free +translation of a Latin ode, by old Walter de Mapes, Archdeacon of Oxford +in the eleventh century, a true _gourmands_ prayer-- + + 1 Mihi est propositum in taberna mon.' + I'll try and hum you Crony's English version of the + CANTILENA. + + 'I'll in a tavern end my days, midst boon companions merry, + Place at my lips a lusty flask replete with sparkling sherry, + That angels, hov'ring round, may cry, when I lie dead as door-nail, + 'Rise, genial deacon, rise, and drink of the well of life eternal.' + + ***** + + ~216~~ + 'Various implements belong to ev'ry occupation; + Give me an haunch of venison--and a fig for inspiration! + Verses and odes without good cheer, I never could indite 'em; + Sure he who meagre, days devised is d-----d ad infinitum! + + ***** + + 'Mysteries and prophetic truths, I never could unfold 'em + Without a flagon of good wine and a slice of cold ham; + But when I've drained my liquor out, and eat what's in the dish up, + Though I am but an arch-deacon, I can preach like an arch- + bishop.'" + +"A good orthodox ode," said Transit, "and admirably suited to the +performer, who, after all, it must be allowed, is a very entertaining +fellow, and well worthy of his dinner, from the additional amusement he +affords. I remember meeting him in company with the late Lord Coleraine, +the once celebrated Colonel George Hanger, when he related an anecdote +of the humorist, which his lordship freely admitted to be founded on +fact. As I have never seen it in print, or heard it related by any one +since, you shall have it instanter: It is well known that our present +laughter-loving monarch was, in earlier years, often surrounded, when in +private, by a coruscation of wit and talent, which included not only the +most distinguished persons in the state, but also some celebrated bon +vivants and amateur vocalists, among whom the names of the Duke of +Orleans, Earl of Derby, Charles James Fox, Richard Brinsley Sheridan, +the facetious poet laureat to the celebrated Beefsteak club, Tom +Hewardine, Sir John Moore, Mr Brownlow, Captain Thompson, Bate Dudley, +Captain Morris, and Colonel George Hanger, formed the most conspicuous +characters at the princely anacreontic board. But + + 'Who would be grave--when wine can save + The heaviest soul from thinking, + And magic grapes give angel's shapes + To every girl we're drinking!' + +~217~~ It was on one of these festive occasions, when whim, and wit, and +sparkling wine combined to render the festive scene the 'Feast of reason +and the flow of soul,' that the Prince of Wales invited himself and +his brother, the Duke of York, to dine with George Hanger. An honour +so unlooked for, and one for which George was so little prepared (as he +then resided in obscure lodgings near Soho-square), quite overpowered +the Colonel, who, however, quickly recovering his surprise, assured +his royal highness of the very high sense he entertained of the honour +intended him, but lamented it was not in his power to receive him, and +his illustrious brother, in a manner suitable to their royal dignity. +'You only wish to save your viands, George,' said the prince: 'we shall +certainly dine with you on the day appointed; and whether you reside on +the first floor or the third, never mind--the feast will not be the less +agreeable from the altitude of the apartment, or the plainness of the +repast.' Thus encouraged, George was determined to indulge in a joke +with his royal visitors. On the appointed day, the prince and duke +arrived, and were shown up stairs to George's apartments, on the second +floor, where a very tasteful banquet was set out, but more distinguished +by neatness than splendour: after keeping his illustrious guests waiting +a considerable period beyond the time agreed on, by way of sharpening +their appetites, the prince good-humouredly inquired what he meant to +give them for dinner?' Only one dish,' said George; 'but that one will, +I flatter myself, be a novelty to my royal guests, and prove highly +palatable.' 'And what may that be?' said the prince. 'The wing of a +wool-bird,' replied the facetious colonel. It was in vain the prince +and duke conjectured what this strange title could import, when George +appeared before them with a tremendous large red baking dish, ~218~~ +smoking hot, in which was supported a fine well-browned shoulder of +mutton, dropping its rich gravy over some crisp potatoes. The prince and +his brother enjoyed the joke amazingly, and they have since been heard +to declare, they never ate a heartier meal in their life, or one (from +its novelty to them in the state in which it was served up), which they +have relished more. George had, however, reserved a _bonne bouche_, in a +superb dessert and most exquisite wines, for which the prince had heard +he was famous, and which was, perhaps, the principal incitement to the +honour conferred." + +After a night spent in the utmost hilarity, heightened by the vivacity +and good-humour of my associates, to which might be added, the full +gratification of my prevailing _penchant_ for the observance of +character, we were on the point of departing, when Transit, ever on the +alert in search of variety, observed a figure whom (in his phrase) he +had long wished to book; in a few moments a sketch of this eccentric +personage was before us. "That is the greatest original we have yet +seen," said our friend Bob: "he is now in the honourable situation of +croupier to one of the most notorious hells in the metropolis. This poor +devil was once a master tailor of some respectability, until getting +connected with a gang of sharpers, he was eventually fleeced of all +his little property: his good-natured qualifications, and the harmless +pleasantries with which he abounds, pointed him out as a very proper +person to act as a confederate to the more wealthy legs; from a pigeon +he became a bird of prey, was enlisted into the corps, and regularly +initiated into all the diabolical mysteries of the black art. For some +time he figured as a decoy upon the town, dressed in the first style of +fashion, and driving an unusually fine horse and elegant Stanhope, until +a circumstance, arising out of a ~219~~ joke played off upon him by his +companions, when in a state of intoxication, made him so notorious, +that his usefulness in that situation was entirely frustrated, and, +consequently, he has since been employed within doors, in the more +sacred mysteries of the Greek temple. The gentleman I mean is yonder, +with the Joliffe tile and sharp indented countenance: his real name is +B------; but he has now obtained the humorous cognomen of 'The subject' +from having been, while in a state of inebriety, half stripped, put +into a sack, and in this manner conveyed to the door of Mr. Brooks, the +celebrated anatomist in Blenheim-street, by a hackney night-coachman, +who was known to the party as the resurrection Jarvey. On his being +deposited in this state at the lecturer's door, by honest Jehu, who +offered him for sale, the surgeon proceeded to examine his subject, +when, untying the sack, he discovered the man was breathing: 'Why, you +scoundrel,' said the irritable anatomist, 'the man's not dead.' 'Not +dead!' re-echoed coachee, laughing at the joke, 'Why, then, kill him +when you want him!' The consequence of this frolic had, however, nearly +proved more serious than the projectors anticipated: the anatomist, +suspecting it was some trick to enter his house for burglarious +purposes, gave the alarm, when Jarvey made his escape; but poor +B------was secured, and conveyed the next morning to Marlborough-street, +where it required all the ingenuity of a celebrated Old Bailey solicitor +to prevent his being committed for the attempt to rob a bonehouse." + +After this anecdote, we all agreed to separate. Transit would fain +have led us to the Covent-garden finish, which he describes as being +unusually rich in character; but this was deferred until another night, +when I shall introduce you to some new acquaintances.--Adieu. Lady Mary +Oldstyle and the D'Almaine family are off to-morrow for Brighton, from +which place expect some few descriptive sketches. + +Horatio Heartly. + +[Illustration: page220] + + + + +THE SPREAD,{1} OR WINE PARTY AT BRAZEN-NOSE. + +~220~~ + + "Hear, Momus, hoar! blithe sprite, whose dimpling cheek + Of quips, and cranks ironic, seems to speak, + Who lovest learned victims, and whose shrine + Groans with the weight of victims asinine. + Nod with assent! thy lemon juice infuse! + Though of male sex, I woo thee for a Muse." + + _A College Wine Party described--Singular Whim of Horace + Eglantine--Meeting of the Oxford Crackademonians--Sketches + of eccentric Characters, drawn from the Life--The Doctor's + Daughter--An old Song--A Round of Sculls--Epitaphs on the + Living and the Dead--Tom Tick, a College Tale--The Voyagers + --Notes and Anecdotes._ + +A college wine party I could very well conceive from the specimen I +had already of my companion's frolicsome humours, was not unlikely to +produce some departure from college rules which might eventually involve +me in _rustication, fine_, or _imposition_. To avoid it was impossible; +it was the first invitation of an early friend, and must be obeyed. The +anticipation of a bilious head-ache on the morrow, or perhaps a first +appearance before, or lecture from, the vice-chancellor, principal, or +proctor, made me somewhat tardy in my appearance at the _spread_. The +butler was just marching a second + + 1 A spread. A wine party of from thirty to one hundred and + twenty persons. The party who gives the spread generally + invites all the under-graduates he is acquainted with; a + dessert is ordered either from Jubber's, or Sadler's, for + the number invited, for which he is charged at per head. + +~221~~ reinforcement of _black men, or heavy artillery_ from the college +magazine, across the quadrangle, for the use of the dignitaries' table; +when I, a poor solitary _freshman_, advanced with sentimental awe +and fearful stride beneath the arched entrance of Brazen-nose. Where +Eglantine's rooms were situated I had no means of knowing, his card +supplying only the name of his college; to make some inquiry would be +necessary, but of whom, not a creature but what appeared much too busily +employed, as they ran to and fro laden with wine and viands, to answer +the interrogatories of a stranger. I was on the point of retreating to +obtain the requisite information from the waiter at the Mitre, when old +Mark Supple made his appearance, with "Your servant, sir: I have +been in search of you at your inn, by command of Mr. Eglantine, _take +notice_--who with a large party of friends are waiting your company to +a _spread_." "A large party, Mark?" said I, suspecting there was some +secret drama in rehearsal, in which I was to play a principal part. +"A very large party, sir, and a very extraordinary one too, _take +notice_--such a collection as I never saw before within the walls of a +college--living curiosities, _take notice_--all the _comicals_ of +Oxford brought together,{2} and this 2 This adventure, strange as it +may appear, actually occurred a short time since, when Mr. J*****n of +Brazen-nose invited the characters here named to an entertainment in the +College. Sir Richard Steele, when on a visit to Edinburgh, indulged in +a similar freak: he made a splendid feast, and whilst the servants were +wondering for what great personages it was intended, he sent them into +the streets, to collect all the eccentrics, beggars, and poor people, +that chance might throw in their way, and invite them to his house. +A pretty large party being mustered, they were well plied with +whiskey-punch and wine; when, forgetting their cares, and free from +all restraint, they gave loose to every peculiarity of their respective +characters. When the entertainment was over, Sir Richard declared, that +besides the pleasure of filling so many hungry bellies, and enjoying an +hour of rich amusement, he had gleaned from them humour enough to form a +good comedy, or at least a farce. + +THE SPREAD, OR WINE PARTY AT BRAZEN-NOSE 223 + +is what Mr. Eglantine calls his _museum of character_, but which I +should call a _regiment of caricatures, take notice_--but I heard him +say, that he had invited them on purpose to surprise you; that he knew +you was fond of eccentricity, and that he thought he had prepared a +great treat. I only wish he may get rid of them as easily as he brought +them there, for if the bull-dogs should gain scent of them there +would be a pretty row, _take notice_." Mark's information, instead of +producing the alarm he evidently anticipated, had completely dispelled +all previous fears, and operated like the prologue to a rich comedy, +from which I expected to derive considerable merriment: following, +therefore, my conductor up one flight of stairs on the opposite side of +the space from which I had entered, I found myself at the closed _oak_ +of my friend. "Mr. Eglantine is giving them a _chaunt_" said Mark, who +had applied his ear to the key-hole of the door: "we must wait till the +song is over, or you will be fined in a double bumper of _bishop_, for +interrupting the _stave, take notice_." Curiosity prompted me to +follow Mark's example, when I overheard Horace chanting part of an old +satirical ballad on John Wilkes, to the tune of the Dragon of Wantley; +commencing with-- + +And ballads I have heard rehearsed By harmonists itinerant, Who modern +worthies celebrate, Yet scarcely make a dinner on't. Some of whom sprang +from noble race, And some were in a pig-sty born, Dependent upon royal +grace Or triple tree of Tyburn. + +CHORUS. John Wilkes he was for Middlesex, They chose him knight of the +shire: He made a fool of alderman Bull, And call'd parson Home a liar. + +~224~~ The moment silence was obtained, old Mark gave three distinct +knocks at the door, when Horace himself appeared, and we were +immediately admitted to the temple of the Muses; where, seated round a +long table, appeared a variety of characters that would have rivalled +(from description) the Beggars' Club in St. Giles's--the Covent-Garden +Finish--or the once celebrated Peep o' day boys in Fleet-lane. At the +upper end of the table were Tom Echo and Bob Transit, the first smoking +his cigar, the second sketching the portraits of the motley group around +him on the back of his address cards; at the lower end of the room, on +each side of the chair from which Eglantine had just risen to welcome +me, sat little Dick Gradus, looking as knowing as an Old Bailey counsel +dissecting a burglary case, and the honourable Lillyman Lionise, the +Eton _exquisite_, looking as delicate and frightened as if his whole +system of ethics was likely to be revolutionized by this night's +entertainment. To such a society a formal introduction was of course +deemed essential; and this favour Horace undertook by recommending me +to the particular notice of the _crackademonians_ (as he was pleased to +designate the elegant assemblage by whom we were then surrounded), +in the following oration: "Most noble _cracks_, and worthy cousin +_trumps_--permit me to introduce a brother of the _togati, fresh_ as +a new-blown rose, and innocent as the lilies of St. Clement's. Be unto +him, as ye have been to all gownsmen from the beginning, ever ready +to promote his wishes, whether for spree or sport, in term or out of +term--against the _Inquisition_ and their _bull-dogs_--the town _raff_ +and the _bargees_--well _blunted or stiver cramped_--against _dun or +don--nob or big wig_--so may you never want a bumper of _bishop_: and +thus do I commend him to your merry keeping." "Full charges, boys," +said Echo, "fill up their glasses, Count Dennett{3}; 3 Count Dennett, +hair-dresser at Corpus and Oriel Colleges, a very eccentric man, who +has saved considerable property; celebrated for making bishops' wigs, +playing at cribbage, and psalm-singing. + +~225~~Here's Brother Blackmantle of Brazen-nose." "A speech, a speech!" +vociferated all the party. "Yes, worthy brother _cracks_," replied I, +"you shall have a speech, the very acme of oratory; a brief speech, +composed by no less a personage than the great Lexicographer himself, +and always used by him on such occasions at the club in Ivy-lane. Here's +all your healths, and _Esto perpetua_." "Bravo!" said Eglantine;" the +boy improves. Now a toast, a university lass--come, boys, The Doctor's +Daughter; and then a song from Crotchet C--ss."{4} + + BURTON ALE. + AN ANCIENT OXFORD DITTY. + + Of all the belles who Christ Church bless, + None's like the doctor's daughter{5}; + Who hates affected squeamishness + Almost as much as water. + Unlike your modern dames, afraid + Of Bacchus's caresses; + She far exceeds the stoutest maid + Of excellent queen Bess's. + + Hers were the days, says she, good lack, + The days to drink and munch in; + When butts of Burton, tuns of sack, + Wash'd down an ox for luncheon. + Confound your _nimpy-pimpy_ lass, + Who faints and fumes at liquor; + Give me the girl that takes her glass + Like Moses and the vicar. + + 4 Mr. C--ss, otherwise Crotchet C--ss, bachelor of music, + and organist of Christ Church College, St. John's College, + and St. Mary's Church. An excellent musician, and a jolly + companion: he published, some time since, a volume of + chants. + + 5 A once celebrated university toast, with whose + eccentricities we could fill a volume; but having received + an intimation that it would be unpleasant to the lady's + feelings, we gallantly forbear. + +~226~~ + + True emblem of immortal ale, + So famed in British lingo; + Stout, beady, and a little _stale_-- + Long live the Burton stingo! + +"A vulgar ditty, by my faith," said the exquisite, "in the true English +style, all _fol de rol_, and a vile chorus to split the tympanum of +one's auricular organs: do, for heaven's sake, Echo, let us have +some _divertissement_ of a less boisterous character." "Agreed," said +Eglantine, winking at Echo; "we'll have a _round of sculls_. Every man +shall sing a song, write a poetical epitaph on his right hand +companion, or drink off a double dose of rum booze."{6} "Then I shall +be confoundedly _cut_," said Dick Gradus, "for I never yet could chant a +stave or make a couplet in my life." "And I protest against a practice," +said Lionise, "that has a tendency to trifle with one's _transitory +tortures_." "No appeal from the chair," said Eglantine: "another bumper, +boys; here's The Fair _Nuns of St. Clement's_." "To which I beg leave to +add," said Echo, "by way of rider, their favourite pursuit, _The Study +of the Fathers_." By the time these toasts had been duly honoured, some +of the party displayed symptoms of being _moderately cut_, when Echo +commenced by reciting his epitaph on his next friend, Bob Transit:-- + + Here rests a wag, whose pencil drew + Life's characters of varied hue, + Bob Transit--famed in humour's sphere + For many a transitory year. + Though dead, still in the "English Spy" + He'll live for ever to the eye. + Here uncle White{7} reclines in peace, + Secure from nephew and from niece. + + 6 Rum booze--Flip made of white or port wine, the yolks of + eggs, sugar and nutmeg. + + 7 Uncle White, a venerable bed-maker of All Souls' College, + eighty-three years of age; has been in the service of the + college nearly seventy years: is always dressed in black, + and wears very largo silver knee and shoe-buckles; his hair, + which is milk-white, is in general tastefully curled: he is + known "to, and called uncle by, every inhabitant of the + university, and obtained the cog-nomen from his having an + incredible number of nephews and nieces in Oxford. In + appearance he somewhat resembles a clergyman of the old + school. + +~227~~ + + Of All-Souls' he, alive or dead; + Of milk-white name, the milk-white head. + By Uncle White. + Here lies Billy Chadwell,{8} + Who perform'd the duties of a dad well. + + BY BILLY CHADWELL. + Ye maggots, now's your time to crow: + Old Boggy Hastings{9} rests below. + + BY BOGGY HASTINGS. + A grosser man ne'er mix'd with stones + Than lies beneath--'Tis Figgy Jones.{10} + + BY FIGGY JONES. + Here Marquis Wickens{11} lies incrust, + In clay-cold consecrated dust: + No more he'll brew, or pastry bake; + His sun is set--himself a cake. + + 8 Billy Chadwell, of psalm-singing notoriety, since dead; + would imitate syncope so admirably, as to deceive a whole + room full of company--in an instant he would become pale, + motionless, and ghastly as death; the action of his heart + has even appeared to be diminished: his sham fits, if + possible, exceeded his fainting. He was very quarrelsome + when in his cups; and when he had aggravated any one to the + utmost, to save himself from a severe beating would + apparently fall into a most dreadful fit, which never failed + to disarm his adversary of his rage, and to excite the + compassion of every by-stander. + + 9 Old Boggy Hastings supplies members of the university and + college servants who are anglers with worms and maggots. + + 10 Tommy J***s, alias Figgy Jones, an opulent grocer in the + High-street, and a common-councilman in high favour with the + lower orders of the freemen; a sporting character. + + 11 Marquis Wickens formerly a confectioner, and now a + common brewer. He accumulated considerable property as a + confectioner, from placing his daughters, who were pretty + genteel girls, behind his counter, where they attracted a + great many gownsmen to the shop. No tradesman ever gained a + fortune more rapidly than this man: as soon as he found + himself inde-pendent of the university, he gave up his shop, + bought the Sun Inn, built a brewhouse, and is now gaining as + much money by selling beer as he formerly did by + confectionery. + +~228~~ + + BY MARQUIS WICKENS. + Ye _roues_ all, be sad and mute; + Who now shall cut the stylish suit? + _Buck_ Sheffield's{12 }gone--Ye Oxford men, + Where shall ye meet his like again? + + BY BUCK SHEFFIELD. + MacLean{13} or _Tackle_, which you will, + In quiet sleeps beneath this hill. + Ye anglers, bend with one accord; + The stranger is no more abroad. + + BY MACLEAN. + Here rests a punster, Jemmy Wheeler{14} + In wit and whim a wholesale dealer; + Unbound by care, he others bound, + And now lies gathered underground. + + 12 Sheffield, better known by the name of Buck Sheffield, a + master tailor and a member of the common council. + + 13 MacLean, an old bacchanalian Scotchman, better known by + the name of Tackle: a tall thin man, who speaks the broad + Scotch dialect; makes and mends fishing-tackle for members + of the university; makes bows and arrows for those who + belong to the Archery Society; is an indifferent musician, + occasionally amuses under-graduates in their apartments by + playing to them country dances and marches on the flute or + violin. He published his Life a short time since, in a thin + octavo pamphlet, entitled "The Stranger Abroad, or The + History of Myself," by MacLean. + + 14 Jemmy Wheeler of Magpie-lane, a bookbinder, of punning + celebrity; has published two or three excellent versified + puns in the Oxford Herald. He is a young man of good natural + abilities, +but unfortunately applies them occasionally to a loose purpose. + +~229~~ + + BY JEMMY WHEELER. + A speedy-man, by nimble foe, + Lies buried in the earth below: + The Baron Perkins,{15} Mercury + To all the university. + Men of New College, mourn his fate, + Who _early_ died by drinking _late_. + + BY BARON PERKINS. + Ye Oxford _duns_, you're done at last; + Here Smiler W----d{16} is laid fast. + No more his _oak_ ye need assail; + He's book'd inside a wooden jail. + + BY SMILER W---- OF C---- COLLEGE. + A thing called exquisite rests here: + For human nature's sake I hope, + Without uncharitable trope, + 'Twill ne'er among us more appear. + + 15 William Perkins, alias Baron Perkins, alias the Baron, a + very jovial watchman of Holywell, the New College speedy- + man,{*} and factotum to New College. + + 16 Mr. W----d, alias Smiler W----d, a commoner of + ----. This gentleman is always laughing or smiling; is + long-winded, and consequently pestered with _duns_, who are + sometimes much chagrined by repeated disappointments; but + let them be ever so crusty, he never fails in laughing them + into a good humour before they leave his room. + + It was over Smiler's oak in----, that some wag had printed + and stuck up the following notice: + + Men traps and spring guns + Set here to catch _duns_. + + * A _speedy-man_ at New College is a person employed to take + a letter to the master of Winchester school from the warden + of New College, acquaint-ing him that a fellowship or + scholarship is become vacant in the college, and requiring + him to send forthwith the next senior boy. The speedy-man + always performs his journey on foot, and within a given + time. + +~230~~ + + BY LILLYMAN LIONISE. + Here rests a poet--heaven keep him quiet, + For when above he lived a life of riot; + Enjoy'd his joke, and drank his share of wine-- + A mad wag he, one Horace Eglantine.{17} + +The good old orthodox beverage now began to display its potent effects +upon the heads and understandings of the party. All restraint being +completely banished by the effect of the liquor, every one indulged +in their characteristic eccentricities. Dick Gradus pleaded his utter +incapability to sing or produce an impromptu rhyme, but was allowed to +substitute a prose epitaph on the renowned school-master of Magdalen +parish, Fatty T--b,{18} who lay snoring under the table. "It shall be +read over him in lieu of burial service," said Echo. "Agreed, agreed," +vociferated all the party; and Jemmy + + 17 This whim of tagging rhymes and epitaphs, adopted by + Horace Eglantine, is of no mean authority. During the + convivial administration of Lord North, when the ministerial + dinners were composed of such men as the Lords Sandwich, + Weymouth, Thurlow, Richard Rigby, &c, various pleasantries + passed current for which the present time would be deemed + too refined. Among others, it was the whim of the day to + call upon each member, after the cloth was drawn, to tag a + rhyme to the name of his left hand neighbour. It was first + proposed by Lord Sandwich, to raise a laugh against the + facetious Lord North, who happened to sit next to a Mr. + Mellagen, a name deemed incapable of a rhyme. Luckily, + however, for Lord North, that gentleman had just informed + him of an accident that had befallen him near the pump in + Pall Mall; when, therefore, it came to his turn, he wrote + the following distich:-- + + Oh! pity poor Mr. Mellagen, + Who walking along Pall Mall, + Hurt his foot when down he fell, + And fears he won't get well again. + + 18 Fatty T----, better known as the sixpenny schoolmaster: + a little fat man, remarkable for his love of good living. + +~231~~ + +Jumps,{19} the parish clerk of Saint Peter's, was instantly mounted on a +chair, at the head of the defunct schoolmaster, to recite the following +whim:-- + + Epitaph on a Glutton. + + Beneath this table lie the remains of Fatty T***; + Who more than performed the duties of + An excellent eater, an unparalleled drinker, and + A truly admirable sleeper. + His stomach was as disinterested + As his appetite was good; so that + His impartial tooth alike chewed + The mutton of the poor,and + The turtle of the rich. + + + 19 James James, alias Jemmy Jumps, alias the Oxford Caleb + Quotum, a stay-maker, and parish-clerk of Saint Peter le + Bailey--plays the violin to parties on water excursions, + attends public-house balls--is bellows-blower and factotum + at the music-room--attends as porter to the Philharmonic and + Oxford Choral Societies--is constable of the race-course + and race balls--a bill distributor and a deputy collector of + poor rates--calls his wife his _solio_. He often amuses his + companions at public-houses by reciting comic tales in + verse. A woman who had lost a relative desired Jemmy + Jumps to get a brick grave built. On digging up a piece + of ground which had not been opened for many years, he + discovered a very good brick grave, and, to his great joy, + also discovered that its occupant had long since mouldered + into dust. He cleaned the grave out, procured some reddle + and water, brushed the bricks over with it, and informed + the person that he had a most excellent _second-hand grave + to sell as good as new_, and if she thought it would suit + her poor departed friend, would let her have it at half the + price of a new one: this was too good an offer to be + rejected; but Jemmy found, on measuring the coffin, that his + second-hand grave was too short, and consequently was + obliged to dig the earth away from the end of the grave and + beat the bricks in with a beetle, before it would admit its + new tenant. + +~232~~ + + He was a zealous opposer of the Aqua-_arian_ heresy, + A steady devourer of beef-steaks, + A stanch and devout advocate for _spiced bishop_, + A firm friend to Bill Holland's _double X_, and + An active disseminator of the bottle, + He was ever uneasy unless employed upon + The good things of this world; and + The interment of a _swiss_ or lion, + Or the dissolution of a pasty, + Was his great delight. + He died + Full of drink and victuals, + In the undiminished enjoyment of his digestive faculties, + In the forty-fifth year of his appetite. + The collegians inscribed this memento, + In perpetual remembrance of + His _pieous_ knife and fork. + +"Very well for a _trencher_ man," said Horace; "now we must have a +recitation from Strasburg.{20} Come, you jolly old teacher of Hebrew, +mount the rostrum, and "give us a taste of your quality." "Ay, or by +heavens we'll baptize him with a bumper of bishop," said Echo. "For +conscience sake, mishter Echo, conshider vat it is you're about; I can +no more shpeek in English than I can turn Christian--I've drank so much +of your red port to-day as voud make anoder Red Sea." "Ay, and you shall +be drowned in it, you old _Sheenie_," said Tom, "if you don't give us a +speech." "A speech, a speech!" resounded from all + + {20} Strasburg, an eccentric Jew, who gave lessons in Hebrew + to members of the university. + +~233~~the yet living subjects of the party. "Veil, if I musht, I musht; +but I musht do it by shubstitute then; my old friend, Mark Supple +here, vill give you the history of Tom Tick." To this Echo assented, on +account of the allusions it bore to the Albanians, some of whom were of +the party. Old Mark, mounted on the chair at the upper end of the table, +proceeded with the tale. + +[Illustration: page233] + + + + +THE OXFORD RAKE'S PROGRESS. + + Tom was a tailor's heir, + A dashing blade, + Whose sire in trade + Enough had made, + By cribbage, short skirts, and little capes, + Long bills, and items for buckram, tapes, + Buttons, twist, and small ware; + Which swell a bill out so delightfully, + Or perhaps I should say frightfully, + +~234~~ + + That is, if it related to myself. + Suffice it to be told + In wealth he roll'd, + And being a fellow of some spirit, + Set up his coach; + To 'scape reproach, + He put the tailor on the shelf, + And thought to make his boy a man of merit. + On old Etona's classic ground, + Tom's infant years in circling round + Were spent 'mid Greek and Latin; + The boy had parts both gay and bright, + A merry, mad, facetious sprite, + With heart as soft as satin. + For sport or spree Tom never lack'd; + A _con_{21} with all, his sock he crack'd + With _oppidan_ or gownsman: + Could _smug_ a sign, or quiz the _dame_, + Or row, or ride, or poach for game, + With _cads_, or Eton townsmen. + Tom's _admiral_ design'd, + Most dads are blind + To youthful folly, + That Tom should be a man of learning, + To show his parent's great discerning, + A parson rich and jolly. + To Oxford Tom in due time went, + Upon degree D.D. intent, + But more intent on ruin: + _A Freshman_, steering for the _Port of Stuff's_,{22} + Round _Isle Matricula_, and _Isthmus of Grace_, + Intent on living well and little doing. + Here Tom came out a dashing blood, + Kept Doll at Woodstock, and a stud + For hunting, race, or tandem; + Could _bag_ a proctor, _floor a raff_, + Or stifle e'en a _hull-dog's gaff_, + Get _bosky_, drive at random. + + 21 Eton phraseology--A friend. + + 22 Oxford phraseology--All these terms have been explained + in an earlier part of the work. + +~235~~ + +[Illustration: page 235] + + But long before the first term ended, + Tom was inform'd, unless he mended, + He'd better change his college. + Which said, the _Don_ was hobbling to the shelf + Where college butler keeps his book of _Battell_; + Tom nimbly ran, erased his name himself, + To save the scandal of the students' prattle. + In Oxford, be it known, there is a place + Where all the mad wags in disgrace + Retire to improve their knowledge; + The town _raff_ call it _Botany Bay_, + Its inmates _exiles, convicts_, and they say + Saint Alban takes the student refugees: + Here Tom, to 'scape _Point Non plus_, took his seat + After a _waste of ready_--found his feet + Safe on the shores of indolence and ease; + Here, 'mid choice spirits, in the _Isle of Flip_, + Dad's will, and _sapping_, valued not young _snip_; + Scapula, Homer, Lexicon, laid by, + Join'd the peep-of-day boys in full cry.{23} + A saving sire a sad son makes + This adage suits most modern rakes, + + 23 It was in the actual participation of these bacchanalian + orgies, during the latter days of Dr. W----y, the former + head of the Hall, when infirmities prevented his exercising + the necessary watchful-ness over the buoyant spirits + committed to his charge, that my friend Bob Transit and + myself were initiated into the mysteries of the Albanians. + The accompanying scene, so faithfully delineated by his + humorous pencil, will be fresh in the recollection of the + _choice spirits_ who mingled in the joyous revelry. To + particularise character would be to "betray the secrets of + the prison-house," and is besides wholly unnecessary, every + figure round the board being a portrait; kindred souls, + whose merrie laughter-loving countenances and jovial + propensities, will be readily recognised by every son of + _Alma Mater_ who was at Oxford during the last days of the + _beaux esprits_ of Alban Hall. (_See Plate_.) In justice to + the learned Grecian who now presides, it should be told, + that these scenes are altogether suppressed. + +~236~~ + + And Tom above all others. + I should have told before, he was an only child, + And therefore privileged to be gay and wild, + Having no brothers, + Whom his example might mislead + Into extravagance, or deed + Ridiculous and foolish. + Three tedious years in Oxford spent, + In midnight brawl and merriment, + Tom bid adieu to college, + To cassock-robe of orthodox, + To construe and decline--the box, + Supreme in stable knowledge; + To dash on all within the ring, + Bet high, play deep, or rioting, + At Long's to sport his figure + In honour's cause, some small affair + Give modern bucks a finish'd air, + Tom pull'd the fatal trigger. + He kill'd his friend--but then remark, + His friend had kill'd another spark, + So 'twas but trick and tie. + The cause of quarrel no one knew, + Not even Tom,--away he flew, + Till time and forms of law, + To fashionable vices blind, + Excuses for the guilty find, + Call murder a _faux pas_. + The tinsell'd coat next struck his pride, + How dashing in the Park to ride + A cornet of dragoons; + Upon a charger, thorough bred, + To show off with a high plumed head, + The gaze of Legs and Spoons; + To rein him up in all his paces, + Then splash the passing trav'lers' faces, + And spur and caper by; + +~237~~ + + Get drunk at mess, then sally out + To Lisle-street fair, or beat a scout, + Or black a waiter's eye. + Of all the clubs,--the Clippers, Screws, + The Fly-by-nights, Four Horse, and Blues, + The Daffy, Snugs, and Peep-o-day, + Tom's an elect; at all the Hells, + At Bolton-Row, with tip-top swells, + And Tat's men, deep he'd play. + His debts oft paid by Snyder's{24} pelf, + Who paid at last a debt himself, + Which all that live must pay. + Tom book'd{25} the old one snug inside, + Wore sables, look'd demure and sigh'd + Some few short hours away; + Till from the funeral return'd, + Then Tom with expectation burn'd + To hear his father's will:-- + "Twice twenty thousand pounds in cash,"-- + "That's prime," quoth Tom, "to cut a dash + "At races or a mill,"-- + "All my leaseholds, house and plate, + My pictures and freehold estate, + I give my darling heir; + Not doubting but, as I in trade + By careful means this sum have made, + He'll double it with care."-- + "Ay, that I will, I'll hit the nick, + Seven's the main,--here Ned and Dick + Bring down my blue and buff; + Take off the hatband, banish grief, + 'Tis time to turn o'er a new leaf, + Sorrow's but idle stuff." + Fame, trumpet-tongued, Tom's wealth reports, + His name is blazon'd at the courts + Of Carlton and the Fives. + His equipage, his greys, his dress, + His polish'd self, so like _noblesse_, + "Is ruin's sure perquise." + + 24 Flash for tailor. + + 25 Screwed up in his coffin. + +~238~~ + + Beau Brummell's bow had not the grace, + Alvanly stood eclipsed in face, + The _Roues_ all were mute, + So exquisite, so chaste, unique, + The mark for every Leg and Greek, + Who play the concave suit.{26} + At Almack's, paradise o' the West, + Tom's hand by prince and peer is press'd, + And fashion cries supreme. + His Op'ra box, and little quean, + To lounge, to see, and to be seen, + Makes life a pleasant dream. + Such dreams, alas! are transient light, + A glow of brightness and delight, + That wakes to years of pain. + Tom's round of pleasure soon was o'er, + And clam'rous _duns_ assail the door + When credit's on the wane. + His riches pay his folly's price, + And vanish soon a sacrifice, + Then friendly comrades fly; + His ev'ry foible dragg'd to light, + And faults (unheeded) crowd in sight, + Asham'd to show his face. + Beset by tradesmen, lawyers, _bums_,{21} + He sinks where fashion never comes, + A wealthier takes his place. + _Beat at all points, floor'd, and clean'd out_, + Tom yet resolv'd to brave it out, + + 36 Cards cut in a peculiar manner, to enable the Leg to + fleece his Pigeon securely. + + 27 "Persons employed by the sheriff to hunt and seize human + prey: they are always bound in sureties for the due + execution of their office, and thence are called _Bound + Bailiff's_, which the common people have corrupted into a + much more homely ex-pression--_to wit, Bum-Bailiffs or + Bums_."--l _Black Com_. 346. + +~239~~ + + If die he must, die game. + Some few months o'er, again he strays + 'Midst scenes of former halcyon days, + On other projects bent; + No more ambitious of a name, + Or mere unprofitable fame, + On gain he's now intent, + To deal a flush, or cog a die, + Or plan a deep confed'racy + To pluck a pigeon bare. + Elected by the Legs a brother, + His plan is to entrap some other + In Greeting's fatal snare. + Here for a time his arts succeed, + But vice like his, it is decreed, + Can never triumph long: + A noble, who had been his prey, + Convey'd the well cogg'd bones away, + Exposed them to the throng. + Now blown, "his occupation's" o'er, + Indictments, actions, on him pour, + His ill got wealth must fly; + And faster than it came, the law + Can fraud's last ill got shilling draw, + Tom's pocket soon drain'd dry. + Again at sea, a wreck, struck down, + By fickle fortune and the town, + Without the means to bolt. + His days in bed, for fear of Bums, + At night among the Legs he comes, + Who gibe him for a dolt. + He's cut, and comrades, one by one, + Avoid him as they would a dun. + Here finishes our tale-- + Tom Tick, the life, the soul, the whim + Of courts and fashion when in trim, + Is left-- + WAITING FOR BAIL. + +~240~~ + +[Illustration: page240] + +By the time old Mark Supple had finished his somewhat lengthy tale, +the major part of the motley group of eccentrics who surrounded us +were terribly cut: the garrulous organ of Jack Milburn was unable to +articulate a word; _Goose_ B----l, the gourmand, was crammed full, and +looked, as he lay in the arms of Morpheus, like a fat citizen on the +night of a lord mayor's dinner--a lump of inanimate mortality. In one +corner lay a poor little Grecian, papa Chrysanthus Demetriades, whom Tom +Echo had plied with bishop till he fell off his chair; Count Dennet was +safely deposited beside him; and old Will Stewart,{28} the poacher, was +just humming himself to sleep with the fag end of an old ballad as he +sat upon the ground + + 28 Portraits of the three last-mentioned eccentrics will be + found in page 245, sketched from the life. + +~241~~ + +resting his back against the defunct Grecian. A diminutive little +cripple, Johnny Holloway, was sleeping between his legs, upon whose head +Tom had fixed a wig of immense size, crowned with an opera hat and a +fox's tail for a feather. "Now to bury the dead," said Eglantine; "let +in the lads, Mark." "Now we shall have a little sport, old fellows," +said Echo: "come, Transit, where are your paints and brushes?" In a +minute the whole party were most industriously engaged in disfiguring +the objects around us by painting their faces, some to resemble +tattooing, while others were decorated with black eyes, huge mustachios, +and different embellishments, until it would have been impossible for +friend or relation to have recognised any one of their visages. This +ceremony being completed, old Mark introduced a new collection of +worthies, who had been previously instructed for the sport; these were, +I found, no other than the well-known Oxford _cads_, Marston Will, +Tom Webb, Harry Bell, and Dick Rymal,{29} all out and outers, as Echo +reported, for a spree with the gown, who had been regaled at some +neighbouring public house by Eglantine, to be in readiness for the +wind-up of his eccentric entertainment; to the pious care of these +worthies were consigned the strange-looking mortals who surrounded +us. The plan was, I found, to carry them out quietly between two men, +deposit them in a cart which they had in waiting, and having taken them +to the water-side, place them in a barge and send them drifting down the +water in the night to Iffley, where their consternation on recovering +the next morning and strange appearance would be sure to create a source +of merriment both for the city and university. The instructions were +most punctually obeyed, and the amusement the freak afterwards afforded +the good people of Oxford will not very + + 29 Well-known sporting cads, who are always ready to do a + good turn for the _togati_, either for sport or spree. + +~242~~quickly be forgotten. Thus ended the spread--and now having taken +more than my usual quantity of wine, and being withal fatigued by the +varied amusements of the evening, I would fain have retired to rest: but +this, I found, would be contrary to good fellowship, and not at all in +accordance with _college principles_. "We must have a spree" said Echo, +"by way of finish, the rum ones are all shipped off safely by this +time--suppose we introduce Blackmantle to our _grandmamma_, and the +pretty _Nuns_ of St. Clement's." "Soho, my good fellows," said Transit; +"we had better defer our visit in that direction until the night is +more advanced. The old don{30} of----, remember, celebrates the Paphian +mysteries in that quarter occasionally, and we may not always be able to +_shirk_ him as effectually as on the other evening, when Echo and myself +were snugly enjoying a _tete-a-tete_ with Maria B----and little Agnes +S----{31}; we accidentally caught a glimpse of _old Morality_ cautiously +toddling after the pious Mrs. A--ms, _vide-licet_ of arts,{32} a lady +who has been regularly matriculated at this university, and taken up her +degrees some years since. It was too rich a bit to lose, and although +at the risk of discovery, I booked it immediately _eo instunti. 'Exegi +monumentum aere perennius_'--and here it is." + + 30 We all must reverence dons; and I'm about + To talk of dons--irreverently I doubt. + For many a priest, when sombre evening gray + Mantles the sky, o'er maudlin bridge will stray-- + Forget his oaths, his office, and his fame, + And mix in company I will not name. + + _Aphrodisiacal Licenses_. + 31 Paphian divinities in high repute at Oxford. + + 32 Pretty much in the same sense, probably, in which Moore's + gifted leman Fanny is by him designated Mistress of Arts. + + And oh!--if a fellow like me + May confer a diploma of hearts, + With my lip thus I seal your degree, + My divine little Mistress of Arts. + + For an account of Fan's proficiency in astronomy, ethics, + (not the Nicomachean), and eloquence, see Moore's Epistles, + vol. ii. p. 155. + +~243~~ + +[Illustration: pge243] + +"An excellent likeness, i'faith, is it," said Eglantine; whose eyes +twinkled like stars amid the wind-driven clouds, and whose half clipped +words and unsteady motion sufficiently evinced that he had paid due +attention to the old laws of potation. "There's nothing like the _cloth_ +for comfort, old fellows; remember what a man of Christ Church wrote to +George Colman when he was studying for the law. + + 'Turn parson, Colman, that's the way to thrive; + Your parsons are the happiest men alive. + Judges, there are but twelve; and never more, + But stalls untold, and Bishops twenty-four. + Of pride and claret, sloth and venison full, + Yon prelate mark, right reverend and dull! + +~244~~ + + He ne'er, good man, need pensive vigils keep + To preach his audience once a week to sleep; + On rich preferment battens at his ease, + Nor sweats for tithes, as lawyers toil for fees.' + +If Colman had turned parson he would have had a bishoprick long since, +and rivalled that jolly old ancient Walter de Mapes. Then what an +honour he would have been to the church; no drowsy epistles spun out in +lengthened phrase, + + 'Like to the quondam student, named of yore, + Who with Aristotle calmly choked a boar;' + +but true orthodox wit: the real light of grace would have fallen from +his lips and charmed the crowded aisle; the rich epigrammatic style, +the true creed of the churchman; no fear of canting innovations or +evangelical sceptics; but all would have proceeded harmoniously, ay, and +piously too--for true piety consists not in purgation of the body, but +in purity of mind. Then if we could but have witnessed Colman filling +the chair in one of our common rooms, enlivening with his genius, wit, +and social conversation the learned _dromedaries_ of the Sanctum, and +dispelling the habitual gloom of a College Hospitium, what chance would +the sectarians of Wesley, or the infatuated followers even of that +arch rhapsodist, Irving, have with the attractive eloquence and sound +reasoning of true wit?" "Bravo! bravo!"vociferated the party. "An +excellent defence of the church," said Echo, "for which Eglantine +deserves to be inducted to a valuable benefice; suppose we adjourn +before the college gates are closed, and install him under the Mitre." A +proposition that met with a ready acquiescence from all present.{33} + + 33 The genius of wit, mirth, and social enjoyment, can never + find more sincere worshippers than an Oxford wine-party + seated round the festive board; here the sallies of youth, + unchecked by care, the gaiety of hearts made glad with wine + and revelry, the brilliant flashes of genius, and the eye + beaming with delight, are found in the highest perfection. + The merits of the society to which the youthful aspirant for + fame and glory happens to belong often afford the embryo + poet the theme of his song. Impromptu parodies on old and + popular songs often add greatly to the enjoy-ment of the + convivial party. The discipline of the university prohibits + late hours; and the evenings devoted to enjoyment are not + often disgraced by excess. + +[Illustration: page244] + +~245~~ + +[Illustration: page245] + + + + +TOWN AND GOWN, AN OXFORD ROW. + + Battle of the Togati and the Town-Raff--A Night-Scene in the + High-Street, Oxford--Description of the Combatants--Attack + of the Gunsmen upon the Mitre--Evolutions of the + Assailants--Manoeuvres of the Proctors and Bull Dogs-- + Perilous Condition of Blackmantle and his associates, + Eglantine, Echo, and Transit--Snug Retreat of Lionise--The + High-Street after the Battle--Origin of the Argotiers, and + Invention of Cant-phrases--History of the Intestine Wars and + Civil Broils of Oxford, from the Time of Alfred--Origin of + the late Strife--Ancient Ballad--Retreat of the Togati-- + Reflections of a Freshman--Black Matins, or the Effect of + late Drinking upon early Risers--Visit to Golgotha, or the + Place of Sculls--Lecture from the Big-Wigs--Tom Echo + receives Sentence of Rustication. + +[Illustration: page247] + +The clocks of Oxford were echoing each other in proclaiming the hour +of midnight, when Eglantine led the way by opening the door of his +_hospitium_ to descend into the quadrangle of Brazen-nose. "Steady, +steady, old fellows," said Horace; "remember the don on the +first-floor--hush, all be silent as the grave till you pass his oak." +"Let us _row_ him--let us fumigate the old fellow," said Echo; "this +is the night of purification, lads--bring some pipes, and a little +frankincense, Mark." And in this laudable ~247~~enterprise of blowing +asafoetida smoke through the don's key-hole the whole party were about +to be instantly engaged, when an accidental slip of Eglantine's spoiled +the joke. While in the act of remonstrating with his jovial companions +on the dangerous consequences attending detection, the scholar sustained +a fall which left him suddenly deposited against the oak of the +crabbed old Master of Arts, who inhabited rooms on the top of the lower +staircase; fortunately, the dignitary had on that evening carried home +more _liquor_ than _learning_ from the common room, and was at the time +of the accident almost as sound asleep as the original founder. "There +lies the domini of the feast," said Echo, "knocked down in true orthodox +style by the bishop--follow your leader, boys; and take care of your +craniums, or you may chance to get a few phreno-lo-lo-logi-cal +bu-lps--I begin to feel that hard study has somewhat impaired +my artic-tic-u-u-la-tion, but then I can always raise a +per-pendic-dic-u-u-lar, you see--always good at mathemat-tics. D--n +Aristotle, and the rest of the saints! say I: you see what comes of +being logical." All of which exultation over poor Eglantine's disaster, +Echo had the caution to make while steadying himself by keeping fast +hold of one of the balustrades on the landing; which that arch wag +Transit perceiving, managed to cut nearly through with a knife, and then +putting his foot against it sent Tom suddenly oft in a flying leap after +his companion, to the uproarious mirth of the whole party. By the time +our two friends had recovered their legs, we were all in marching order +for the Mitre; working in sinuosities along, for not one of the party +could have moved at right angles to any given point, or have counted six +street lamps without at least multiplying them to a dozen. In a word, +they were ripe for any spree, full of frolic, and bent on mischief; +witness the piling a huge load of coals ~248~~against one man's door, +screwing up the oak of another, and _milling the glaze_ of a third, +before we quitted the precincts of Brazen-nose, which we did separately, +to escape observation from the Cerberus who guarded the portal. + +It is in a college wine-party that the true character of your early +associates are easily discoverable: out of the excesses of the table +very often spring the truest impressions, the first, but indelible +affection which links kindred spirits together in after-time, and +cements with increasing years into the most inviolable friendship. Here +the sallies of youth, unchecked by care, or fettered by restraint, +give loose to mirth and revelry; and the brilliancy of genius and the +warm-hearted gaiety of pure delight are found in the highest perfection. + +The blue light of heaven illumined the magnificent square of Radcliffe, +when we passed from beneath the porch of Brazen-nose, and tipping with +her silvery light the surrounding architecture, lent additional beauty +to the solemn splendour of the scene. Sophisticated as my faculties +certainly were by the copious libations and occurrences of the day, I +could yet admire with reverential awe the imposing grandeur by which I +was surrounded. + +A wayward being from my infancy, not the least mark of my eccentricity +is the peculiar humour in which I find myself when I have sacrificed +too freely to the jolly god: unlike the major part of mankind, my +temperament, instead of being invigorated and enlivened by the sparkling +juice of the grape, loses its wonted nerve and elasticity; a sombre +gloominess pervades the system, the pulse becomes nervous and languid, +the spirits flagging and depressed, and the mind full of chimerical +apprehensions and _ennui_. It was in this mood that Eglantine found me +ruminating on the noble works before me, while resting against a part of +the pile of Radcliffe library, contemplating ~249~~the elegant crocketed +pinnacles of All Souls, the delicately taper spire of St. Mary's, and +the clustered enrichments and imperial canopies of masonry, and splendid +traceries which every where strike the eye: all of which objects were +rendered trebly impressive from the stillness of the night, and the +flittering light by which they were illumined. I had enough of wine and +frolic, and had hoped to have _shirked_ the party and stolen quietly +to my lodgings, there to indulge in my lucubrations on the scene I had +witnessed, and note in my journal, according to my usual practice, the +more prominent events of the day, when Horace commenced with-- + +"Where the devil, old fellow, have you been hiding yourself? I've been +hunting you some time. A little _cut_, I suppose: never mind, my boy, +you'll be better presently. Here's glorious sport on foot; don't you +hear the war-cry?" At this moment a buzz of distant voices broke upon +the ear like the mingled shouts of an election tumult. "There they +are, old fellow: come, buckle on your armour--we must try your mettle +to-night. All the university are out--a glorious row--come along, no +shirking---the _togati_ against the town raff--remember the sacred +cause, my boy." And in this way, spite of all remonstrance, was I +dragged through the lane and enlisted with the rest of my companions +into a corps of university men who were just forming themselves in the +High-street to repel the daring attack of the very scum of the city, +who had ill-treated and beaten some gownsmen in the neighbourhood of +St. Thomas's, and had the temerity to follow and assail them in their +retreat to the High-street with every description of villanous epithet, +and still more offensive and destructive missiles. "Stand fast there, +old fellows," said Echo; who, although _devilishly cut_, seemed to be +the leader of the division. "Where's old Mark Supple?" "Here I am sir, +_take notice_" said the old scout, who appeared as active as ~250~~an +American rifleman. "Will Peake send us the bludgeons?" "He won't open +his doors, sir, for anybody, _take notice_." "Then down with the Mitre, +my hearties;" and instantly a rope was thrown across the _bishop's cap_ +by old Mark, and the tin sign, lamp, and all came tumbling into the +street, smashed into a thousand pieces. + +PEAKE (looking out of an upper window in his night-cap). Doey be quiet, +and go along, for God's zake, gentlemen! I shall be _ruinated and +discommoned_ if I open my door to any body. + +TOM ECHO. You infernal old fox-hunter! if you don't doff your knowledge +bag and come to the door, we'll mill all your glaze, burst open your +gates, and hamstring all your horses. + +MRS. PEAKE (in her night-gown). Stand out of the way, Peake; let +me speak to the gentlemen. Gentlemen, doey, gentlemen, consider my +reputation, and the reputation of ray house. O dear, gentlemen, doey go +somewhere else--we've no sticks here, I azzure ye, and we're all in bed. +Doey go, gentlemen, pray do. + +TRANSIT. Dame Peake, if you don't open your doors directly, we'll break +them open, and unkennel that old bagg'd fox, your husband, and drink all +the black strap in your cellar, and--and play the devil with the maids. + +MRS. PEAKE. Don'te say so, don'te say so, Mr. Transit; I know you to be +a quiet, peaceable gentleman, and I am zure you will befriend me: doey +persuade 'em to go away, pray do, + +~251~~ + +MARK SUPPLE. Dame Peake + +MRS. PEAKE. Oh, Mr. Mark Supple, are you there I talk to the gentlemen, +Mr. Mark, pray do. + +MARK SUPPLE. It's no use, dame Peake; they won't be gammon'd, take +notice. If you have any old broom-handles, throw 'em out directly, and +if not, throw all the brooms you have in the house out of window--throw +out all your sticks--throw Peake out. I'm for the gown, _take notice_. +Down with the town! down with the town! + +BILL MAGS. (The waiter, at a lower window.) Hist, hist, Mr. Echo; Mr. +Eglantine, hist, hist; master's gone to the back of the house with all +the sticks he can muster; and here's an old kitchen-chair you can break +up and make bludgeons of (throwing the chair out of window), and here's +the cook's rolling-pin, and I'll go and forage for more ammunition. + +HORACE EGLANTINE. You're a right good fellow, Bill; and I'll pay +you before I do your master; and the Brazen-nose men shall make your +fortune. + +TOM ECHO. But where's the academicals I sent old Captain Cook for 1 We +shall be beating one another in the dark without caps and gowns. + +CAPTAIN COOK. (A scout of Christ Church.) Here I be, zur. That old +rogue, Dick Shirley, refuses to send any gowns; he says he has nothing +but noblemen's gowns and gold tufts in his house. + +~252~~ + +THE HON. LILLYMAN LIONISE. By the honour of my ancestry, that fellow +shall never draw another stitch for Christ Church as long as he lives. +Come along, captain: by the honour of my ancestry, we'll uncase the old +_snyder_; we'll have gowns, I warrant me, noble or not noble, gold tufts +or no tufts. Come along, Cook. + +In a few moments old Captain Cook and the exquisite returned loaded with +gowns and caps, having got in at the window and completely cleared +the tailor's shop of all his academicals, in spite of his threats or +remonstrances. In the interim, old Mark Supple and Echo had succeeded in +obtaining a supply of broom-handles and other weapons of defence; when +the insignia of the university, the toga and cap, were soon distributed +indiscriminately: the numbers of the university men increased every +moment; and the yell of the town raff seemed to gain strength with every +step as they approached the scene of action. Gown! gown! Town! town! +were the only sounds heard in every direction; and the clamour and +the tumult of voices were enough to shake the city with dismay. The +authorities were by no means idle; but neither proctors or pro's, or +marshal, or bull-dogs, or even deans, dons, and dignitaries, for such +there were, who strained their every effort to quell the disturbance, +were at all attended to, and many who came as peace-makers were +compelled in their own defence to take an active part in the fray. + +From the bottom of the High-street to the end of the corn-market, and +across again through St. Aldate's to the old bridge, every where the +more peaceable and respectable citizens might be seen popping their +noddles out of window, and rubbing their half-closed eyes with affright, +to learn the cause of the alarming strife. + +~253~~Of the strong band of university men who rushed on eager for the +coming fray, a number of them were fresh light-hearted Etonians and +old Westminsters, who having just arrived to place themselves under the +sacred banners of Academus, thought their honour and their courage both +concerned in defending the _togati_: most of these youthful zealots had +as usual, at the beginning of a term, been lodged in the different inns +and houses of the city, and from having drank somewhat freely of the +welcome cup with old schoolfellows and new friends, were just ripe for +mischief, unheedful of the consequences or the cause. + +On the other hand, the original fomenters of the strife had recruited +their forces with herds of the lowest rabble gathered from the purlieus +of their patron saints, St. Clement and St. Thomas, and the shores of +the Charwell,--the bargees, and butchers, and labourers, and scum of the +suburbians: a huge conglomerated mass of thick sculls, and broad backs, +and strengthy arms, and sturdy legs, and throats bawling for revenge, +and hearts bursting with wrathful ire, rendered still more frantic and +desperate by the magic influence of their accustomed war-whoop. These +formed the base barbarian race of Oxford truands,{1} including every +vile thing that passes under the generic name of raff. From college +to college the mania spread with the rapidity of an epidemic wind; and +scholars, students, and fellows were every where in motion: here a stout +bachelor of arts might be seen knocking down the ancient Cerberus who +opposed his passage; there the iron-bound college gates were forced open +by the united power of the youthful inmates. In another quarter might be +seen the heir of some noble family risking his neck in the headlong +leap {2}; and near him, a party of the _togati_ scaling the sacred +battlements with as much energetic zeal as the ancient crusaders would +have displayed against the ferocious Saracens. + + 1 The French _truands_ were beggars, who under the pretence + of asking alms committed the most atrocious crimes and + excesses. + + 2 It was on one of these occasions that the celebrated + Charles James Fox made that illustrious leap from the window + of Hertford College. + +~254~~Scouts flying in every direction to procure caps and gowns, +and scholars dropping from towers and windows by bell-ropes and +_sheet-ladders_; every countenance exhibiting as much ardour and +frenzied zeal, as if the consuming elements of earth and fire threatened +the demolition of the sacred city of Rhedycina. + +It was on the spot where once stood the ancient conduit of Carfax, +flanked on the one side by the venerable church of St. Martin and the +colonnade of the old butter-market, and on the other by the town-hall, +from the central point of which terminate, south, west, and north, St. +Aldate's, the butcher-row, and the corn-market, that the scene exhibited +its more substantial character. It was here the assailants first caught +sight of each other; and the yell, and noise, and deafening shouts +became terrific. In a moment all was fury and confusion: in the onset +the gown, confident and daring, had evidently the advantage, and the +retiring raff fell back in dismay; while the advancing and victorious +party laid about them with their quarter-staves, and knuckles drawing +blood, or teeth, or cracking crowns at every blow, until they had driven +them back to the end of the corn-market. It was now that the strong arm +and still stronger science of the sturdy bachelors of Brazen-nose, and +the square-built, athletic sons of Cambria, the Jones's of Jesus, proved +themselves of sterling mettle, and bore the brunt of the battle with +unexampled courage: at this instant a second reinforcement arriving from +the canals and wharfs on the banks of the Isis, having forced their way +by George-lane, brought timely assistance to the town raff, and enabled +them again to rally and present so formidable an appearance, ~255~~that +the _togati_ deemed it prudent to retreat upon their reserve, who were +every moment accumulating in immense numbers in the High-street: to +this spot the townsmen, exulting in their trifling advantage, had the +temerity to follow and renew the conflict, and here they sustained the +most signal defeat: for the men of Christ Church, and Pembroke, and St. +Mary's Hall, and Oriel, and Corpus Christi, had united their forces in +the rear; while the front of the gown had fallen back upon the effective +Trinitarians, and Albanians, and Wadhamites, and men of Magdalen, who +had by this time roused them from their monastic towers and cells to +fight the holy war, and defend their classic brotherhood: nor was this +all the advantages the gown had to boast of, for the _scouts_, ever true +to their masters, had summoned the lads of the fancy, and Marston Will, +and Harry Bell, and a host of out and outers, came up to the scratch, +and floored many a _youkel_ with their _bunch of fives_. It was at this +period that the conflict assumed its most appalling feature, for +the townsmen were completely hemmed into the centre, and fought with +determined courage, presenting a hollow square, two fronts of which +were fully engaged with the infuriated gown. Long and fearful was the +struggle for mastery, and many and vain the attempts of the townsmen to +retreat, until the old Oxford night coach, in its way up the High-street +to the Star Inn in the corn-market, was compelled to force its passage +through the conflicting parties; when the bull-dogs and the constables, +headed by marshal Holliday and old Jack Smith, united their forces, +and following the vehicle, opened a passage into the very centre of the +battle, where they had for some time to sustain the perilous attacks +of oaths, and blows, and kicks from both parties, until having fairly +wedged themselves between the combatants, they succeeded by threats and +entreaties, and seizing a few of the ringleaders on ~256~~both sides, to +cause a dispersion, and restore by degrees the peace of the city. + +It was, however, some hours before the struggle had completely subsided, +a running fight being kept up by the various straggling parties in their +retreat; and at intervals the fearful cry of Town and Gown would resound +from some plebeian alley or murky lane as an unfortunate wight of the +adverse faction was discovered stealing homewards, covered with mud and +scars. Of my college friends and merry companions in the fray, Tom Echo +alone remained visible, and he had (in his own phraseology) _dropped his +sash_: according to Hudibras, he looked + + "As men of inward light are wont + To turn their opticks in upon't;" + +or, in plain English, had an _invisible_ eye. The "_disjecta fragmenta_" +of his academical robe presented a most pitiful appearance; it was of +the ragged sort, like the _mendicula impluviata_ of Plautus, and his +under habiliments bore evident marks of his having bitten the dust +(i.e. mud) beneath the ponderous arm of some heroic blacksmith or bargee; +but yet he was lively, and what with blows and exertion, perfectly +sobered. "What, Blackmantle? and alive, old fellow? Well clone, my +hearty; I saw you set to with that fresh water devil from Charwell, the +old Bargee, and a pretty milling you gave him. I had intended to have +seconded you, but just as I was making up, a son of Vulcan let fly his +sledge-hammer slap at my _smeller_, and stopped up one of my _oculars_, +so I was obliged to turn to and finish him off; and when I had completed +the job, you had bolted; not, however, without leaving your marks behind +you. But where's Eglantine? where's Transit? where's the Honourable? By +my soul the _roue_ can handle his _mauleys_ well; I saw him floor one +of the raff in very prime style. But come along, my hearty; we must +walk over the ~257~~field of battle and look after the wounded: I am +desperately afraid that Eglantine is _booked inside_--saw him surrounded +by the _bull-dogs_--made a desperate effort to rescue him--and had some +difficulty to clear myself; but never mind, ''tis the fortune of war,' +and there's very good lodging in the castle. Surely there's Mark Supple +with some one on his back. What, Mark, is that you?" "No, sir--yes, +sir--I mean, sir, it's a gentleman of our college--O dearey me, I +thought it had been a proctor or a bull-dog--for Heaven's sake, help, +sir! here's Mr. Transit quite senseless, _take notice_--picked him up in +a doorway in Lincoln-lane, bleeding like a pig, _take notice_. + +O dear, O dear, what a night this has been! We shall all be sent to the +castle, and perhaps transported for manslaughter. For Heaven's sake, Mr. +Echo, help! bear his head up--take hold of his feet, Mr. Blackmantle, +and I'll go before, and ring at Dr. Tuckwell's bell, _take notice_." +In this way poor Transit was conveyed to the surgery, where, after +cleansing him from the blood and dirt, and the application of some +aromatics, he soon recovered, and happily had not sustained any very +serious injury. From old Mark we learned that Eglantine was a captive +to the bull-dogs, and safely deposited in the castle along with Marston +Will, who had fought nobly in his defence: of Lionise we could gain +no other tidings than that Mark had seen him at the end of the fray +climbing up to the first floor window of a tradesman's house in the +High-street, whose daughter it was well known he had a little intrigue +with, and where, as we concluded, he had found a balsam for his wounds, +and shelter for the night. It was nearly three o'clock when I regained +my lodging and found Mags, the waiter of the Mitre, on the look-out +for me: Echo had accompanied me home, and in our way we had picked up +a wounded man of University College, who had suffered severely in the +contest. It was worthy ~258~~the pencil of a Hogarth to have depicted +the appearance of the High-street after the contest, when we were +cautiously perambulating from end to end in search of absent friends, +and fearing at every step the approach of the proctors or their +bull-dogs: the lamps were almost all smashed, and the burners dangling +to and fro with the wind, the greater part extinguished, or just +emitting sufficient light to make night horrible. On the lamp-irons +might be seen what at first sight was most appalling, the figure of +some hero of the _togati_ dangling by the neck, but which, on nearer +approach, proved to be only the dismembered academical of some +gentleman-commoner hung up as a trophy by the town raff. Broken windows +and shutters torn from their hinges, and missiles of every description +covering the ground, from the terrific Scotch paving-pebble torn up +from the roads, to the spokes of coach-wheels, and the oaken batons, and +fragments of lanterns belonging to the town watch, skirts of coats, +and caps, and remnants of _togas_ both silken and worsted, bespoke the +quality of the heroes of the fray; while here and there a poor terrified +wretch was exposing his addle head to the mildews of the night-damp, +fearing a revival of the contest, or anxiously watching the return of +husband, brother, father, or son.{3} + + 3 This picture of an Oxford row is not, as the general + reader might imagine, the mere fiction of the novelist, but + the true description of a contest which occurred some few + years since; the leading features of which will be (although + the names have been, except in one or two instances, + studiously suppressed) easily recognised by many of the + present sons of Alma Mater who shared in the perils and + glory of the battle. To those who are strangers to the + sacred city, and these casual effervescences of juvenile + spirit, the admirable graphic view of the scene by my friend + Bob Transit (see plate) will convey a very correct idea. + + To the credit of the more respectable and wealthy class of + Oxford citizens it should be told, they are now too sensible + of their own interest, and, besides, too well-informed to + mix with these civil disturbances; the lower orders, + therefore, finding themselves unequal to the contest without + their support, submit to the _togati_; and thus the civil + wars that have raged in Oxford with very little interruption + from the days of Alfred seem for the present extinguished. + +~259~~ + +On our arrival at the Mitre, poor Mrs. Peake, half frightened to death, +was up and busy in administering to the sufferers various consolatory +draughts composed of bishop, and flesh and blood{4} and _rumbooze_; +while the chambermaids, and Peake, and the waiters were flying about +the house with warm water, and basins, and towels, to the relief of +the numerous applicants, who all seemed anxious to wash away the dirty +remembrances of the disgusting scene. + +Hitherto I had been so busily engaged in defending myself and preserving +my friends, that I had not a moment for reflection. It has been well +observed, that "place an Englishman in the field of battle, no matter +what his political feelings, he will fight like a lion, by instinct, or +the mere force of example;" so with the narrator of this contest. I had +not, up to this time, the least knowledge of the original cause of the +row. I have naturally an aversion to pugilistic contests and tumultuous +sports, and yet I found by certain bruises, and bumps, and stains of +blood, and stiffness of joints, and exhaustion, and the loss of my upper +garment, which I had then only just discovered, that I must have borne a +_pretty considerable_{5} part in the contest, and carried away no +small share of victorious laurels, since I had escaped without any very +visible demonstration of my adversaries' prowess; but for this I must +acknowledge myself indebted to my late private tutor the Eton cad, +Joe Cannon, whose fancy lectures on noseology, and the science of the +milling system, had enabled me to + + 4 Brandy and port wine, half and half. + + 5 An Oxford phrase. + +~260~~defend my bread-basket, cover up my peepers, and keep my nob out +of chancery{6}: a merit that all + + 6 The use of a peculiar cant phraseology for different + classes, it would appear, originated with the Argoliers, a + species of French beggars or monkish impostors, who were + notorious for every thing that was bad and infamous: these + people assumed the form of a regular government, elected a + king, established a fixed code of laws, and invented a + language peculiar to themselves, constructed probably by + some of the debauched and licentious youths, who, abandoning + their scholastic studies, associated with these vagabonds. + In the poetical life of the French robber Cartouche, a + humorous account is given of the origin of the word _Argot_; + and the same author has also compiled a dictionary of the + language then in use by these people, which is annexed to + the work. Hannan, in his very singular work, published in + 1566, entitled "A Caveat, or Warning for Common Cursitors + (runners), vulgarly called Vagabones," has described a + number of the words then in use, among what he humorously + calls the "lued lousey language of these lewtering beskes + and lasy lovrels." And it will be remembered that at that + time many of the students of our universities were among + these cursitors, as we find by an old statute of the xxii of + Hen. VIII.; "that scholars at the universities begging + without licence, were to be punished like common cursi- + tors." The vagabonds of Spain are equally celebrated for + their use of a peculiar slang or cant, as will be seen on + reference to a very curious work of Rafael Frianoro, + entitled" _Il Vagabondo, overo sferzo de bianti e + Vagabondi_." _Viterbo_, 1620, 12mo. As also in those + excellent novels, "Lazarillo do Tormes," and "Guzman de + Alfarache." The _Romany_ or gipsies' dialect is given with + the history of that singular people by Mr. Grellman; an + English translation of which was published in 1787, by + Roper, in quarto: from those works, Grose principally + compiled his "Lexicon Ballatronicum." In the present day we + have many professors of slang, and in more ways than one, + too many of cant; the greater part of whom are dull + impostors, who rather invent strange terms to astonish the + vulgar than adhere to the peculiar phrases of the persons + they attempt to describe. It has long been matter of regret + with the better order of English sporting men, that the + pugilistic contests and turf events of the day are not + written in plain English, "which all those who run might + read," instead of being rendered almost unintelligible by + being narrated in the language of beggars, thieves, and + pickpockets--a jargon as free from true wit as it is full of + obscenity. + +~261~~Keate's{7} learning would not have compensated for under the +peculiar circumstances in which I was placed. + +It was now that the mischief was done, and many a sound head was +cracked, and many a courageous heart was smarting 'neath their wounds in +the gloomy dungeons of the castle, or waiting in their rooms the probing +instrument and plasters of Messrs. Wall, or Kidd, or Bourne, that a few +of us, who had escaped tolerably well, and were seated round a bowl of +bishop in the snug _sanctum sanctorum_ of the Mitre, began to inquire +of each other the origin of the fray. After a variety of conjectures and +vague reports, each at variance with the other, and evidently deficient +in the most remote connexion with the true cause of the strife, it was +agreed to submit the question to the waiter, as a neutral observer, who +assured us that the whole affair arose out of a trifling circumstance, +originating with some mischievous boys, who, having watched two gownsmen +into a cyprian temple in the neighbourhood of Saint Thomas, circulated a +false report that they had carried thither the wives of two respectable +mechanics. Without taking the trouble to inquire into the truth or +falsehood of the accusation, the door was immediately beset; the old +cry of Town and Gown vociferated in every direction; and the unfortunate +wights compelled to seek their safety by an ignominious flight through a +back door and over the meadows. The tumult once raised, it was not to be +appeased without some victim, and for this purpose they thought proper +to attack a party of the _togati_, who were returning home from a little +private sport with a well-known fancy lecturer: the opportunity was +a good one to show-off, a regular fight commenced, and the raff were +floored in every direction, until their numbers increasing beyond all + + 7 The highly respected and learned head-master of Eton + College. + +~262 comparison, the university men were compelled to raise the cry of +Gown, and fly for succour and defence to the High-street: in this way +had a few mischievous boys contrived to embroil the town and university +in one of the most severe intestine struggles ever remembered. + +[Illustration: page262] + + _A true chronicle of ye bloodie fighte betweene the Clerkes + of and Scholairs of Oxenforde, and the Townsmen of the + Citie, who were crowdinge rounde the Easterne Gaite to see + the Kinge enter in his progresse wostwarde._ + +~263~~ + +Sir Gierke of Oxenforde, prepare Your robis riche, and noble cheere. Ye +kinge with alle his courtlie trane Is spurring on your plaice to gane. +And heere ye trumpet's merrie note, His neare approache proclaims, I +wote; Ye doctors, proctors, scholairs, go, And fore youre sovereigne +bend ye lowe. Now comes the kinge in grande arraie; And the scholairs +presse alonge the waye, Till ye Easterne gaite was thronged so rounde, +That passage coulde no where be founde. Then the sheriffe's men their +upraised speares Did plye about the people's eares. And woe the day; +the rabble route Their speares did breake like glasse aboute. Then the +doctors, proctors, for the kinge, Most lustilie for roome did singe; But +thoughe theye bawled out amaine, No passage throughe the crowde coulde +gane. Ye Northern gownsmen, a bold race, Now swore they'd quicklie free +the plaice; With stalwart gripe, and beadle's staffe Theye clefte the +townsmen's sculls in half. + +~264~~ + +And now the wrathful rabble rave, And quick returne withe club and +stave; And heades righte learn'd in classic lore Felt as they'd never +felt before. Now fierce and bloody growes the fraye: In vaine the mayore +and sheriffe praye For peace--to cool the townsmens' ire, Intreatie but +impelles the fire. Downe with the Towne! the scholairs cry; Downe with +the Gowne! the towne reply. Loud rattle the caps of the clerkes in aire, +And the citizens many a sortie beare; And many a churchman fought his +waye, Like a heroe in the bloodie fraye. And one right portlie father +slewe Of rabble townsmen not a fewe. And now 'mid the battle's strife +and din There came to the Easterne gate, The heralde of our lorde +the kinge, With his merrie men all in state. "God help us!" quoth the +courtlie childe, "What means this noise within? With joye the people +have run wilde." And so he peeped him in, And throughe the wicker-gate +he spied, And marvelled much thereat, The streets withe crimson current +dyed, And Towne and Gowne laide flat. Then he called his merrie men +aloud, To bringe him a ladder straighte; The trumpet sounds--the warlike +crowde In a moment forget theire hate. Up rise the wounded, down theire +arms Both Towne and Gowne do lie; The kinge's approache ye people +charmes, And alle looke merrilie. For howe'er Towne and Gowne may +fighte, Yet bothe are true to ye kinge. So on bothe may learning and +honour lighte, Let all men gailie singe.{1} + +~265~~ + + 1 The above imitation of the style of the ancient ballad is + founded on traditional circumstances said to have occurred + when the pacific king James visited Oxford.--_Bernard + Blackmantle_. + + _Intestine broils and civil wars of Oxford_.--Anthony Wood, + the faithful historian of Oxford, gives an account of a + quarrel between the partisans of St. Guinbald and the + residents of Oxford, in the days of Alfred, on his + refounding the university, A.D. 886. After his death the + continual inroads of the Danes kept the Oxonians in + perpetual alarm, and in the year 979 they destroyed the town + by fire, and repeated their outrage upon the new built town + in 1002. Seven years after, Swein, the Danish leader, was + repulsed by the inhabitants in a similar attempt, who took + vengeance on their im-placable enemy by a general massacre + on the feast of St. Brice. In the civil commotions under the + Saxon prince, Oxford had again its full share of the evils + of war. After the death of Harold, William the Conqueror was + bravely opposed by the citizens in his attempt to enter + Oxford, which effecting by force, he was so much exas- + perated at their attachment to Harold, that he bestowed the + government of the town on Robert de Oilgo, a Norman, with + permission to build a castle to keep his Oxford subjects in + awe. The disturbances during the reign of Stephen and his + successor were frequent, and in the reign of John, A. D. + 1209, an unfortunate occurrence threatened the entire + destruction of Oxford as a seat of learning. A student, + engaged in thoughtless diversion, killed a woman, and fled + from justice. A band of citizens, with the mayor at their + head, surrounded the hall to which he belonged, and demanded + the offender; on being informed of his absence, the lawless + multitude seized three of the students, who were entirely + unconnected with the transaction, and ob-tained an order + from the weak king (whose dislike to the clergy is known), + to put the innocent persons to death--an order which was but + too promptly obeyed. The scholars, justly en-raged by this + treatment, quitted Oxford, some to Cambridge and Reading, + and others to Maidstone, in Kent. The offended students also + applied to the Pope, who laid the city under an interdict + and discharged all professors from teaching in it. This step + completely humbled the citizens, who sent a deputation of + the most respectable to wait on the Pope's legate (then at + Westminster) to acknowledge their rashness and request + mercy; the legate (Nicholas, Bishop of Tusculum, ) granted + their petition only on the most humiliating terms. The mayor + and corporation were en-joined, by way of penance, to + proceed annually, on the day dedicated to St. Nicholas, to + all the parish churches bare-headed, with hempen halters + round their necks, and whips in their hands, on their bare + feet, and in their' shirts, and there pray the benefit of + absolution from the priests, repeating the penitential + psalms, and to pay a mark of silver per annum to the + students of the hall peculiarly injured; in addition to + which they were, on the recurrence of the same day, to + entertain one hundred poor scholars "_honestis + refectionibus_," the abbot of Evesham yearly paying sixteen + shillings towards the festival expense A part of this + ceremony, but without the degrading marks of it, is + continued to this day. Henry III. occasionally resided at + Oxford, and held there many parliaments and councils: in the + reign of this king the university flourished to an + unexampled degree, the number of students being estimated at + fifteen thousand. Its popularity was about this time also + greatly increased from the circumstance of not less than one + thousand students quitting the learned institutions of + Paris, and repairing to Oxford for instruction; but these + foreigners introduced so dangerous a levity of manners, that + the Pope deemed it necessary to send his legate for the + purpose of reforming " certain flagrant corruptions of the + place." The legate was at first treated with much affected + civility, but an occasion for quarrel being soon found, he + would, in all probability, have been sacrificed upon the + spot, had he not hidden himself in a belfry from the fury of + the assailants. This tumult was, by the exercise of some + strong measures, speedily appeased; but the number of + students was at this period infinitely too great to preserve + due subordination. They divided themselves into parties, + among which the north and south countrymen were the most + violent, and their quarrels harassing and perpetual. + According to the rude temper of the age, these disputes were + not settled by argument, but by dint of blows; and the peace + of the city was in this way so often endangered, that the + king thought it expedient to add to the civil power two + aldermen and eight burgesses assistant, together with two + bailiffs. From petty and intestine broils, the students + appear to have acquired a disposition for political inter- + ference. When Prince Edward, returning from Paris, marched + with an army towards Wales, coming to Oxford he was by the + burghers refused admittance, "on occasion of the tumults now + prevailing among the barons:" he quartered his soldiers in + the adjacent villages, and "lodged himself that night in the + royal palace of Magdalen," the next morning proceeding on + his intended journey; but the scholars, who were shut in the + town, being desirous to salute a prince whom they loved so + much, first assembled round _Smith-gate_, and demanded to be + let into the fields, which being refused by one of the + bailiffs, they returned to their hostels for arms and broke + open the gate, whereupon the mayor arrested many of them, + and, on the chancellor's request, was so far from releasing + them that he ordered the citizens to bring out their banners + and display them in the midst of the street; and then + embattling them, commanded a sudden onset on the rest of the + scholars remaining in the town; and much blood-shed had been + committed had not a scholar, by the sound of the school-bell + in Saint Mary's church, given notice of the danger that + threatened the students, then at dinner. On this alarm they + straightways armed and went out, and in a tremendous + conflict subdued and put the townsmen to flight. In + consequence of this tumult, the king required the scholars + to retire from the city during the time of holding his + parliament; the chief part of the students accordingly + repaired to Northampton, where, shortly after the insurgent + barons had fortified themselves, on the king's laying siege + to the place, the scholars, offended by their late removal, + joined with the nobility, and repaired to arms under their + own standard, behaving in the fight with conspicuous + gallantry, and greatly increasing the wrath of the king; + who, however, on the place being subdued, was restrained + from pur-suing them to extremities, from prudential motives. + As the kingdom became more settled, the disturbances were + less frequent, and within the last century assumed the + character of sportive rows rather than malicious feuds. On a + recent lamentable occasion (now happily forgotten) the + political feelings of the Gown and Town in some measure + revived the spirit of the "olden time;" but since then Peace + has waved her olive-branch over the city of Oxford, and + perfect harmony, let us hope, will exist between Town and + Gown for evermore. + +~266~~ + +The veil of night was more than half drawn, ere the youthful inmates of +the Mitre retired to rest; and many of the party were compelled to put +up with sorry accommodation, such was the influx of ~267~~gownsmen who, +shut out of lodging and college, had sought this refuge to wait the +approaching morn;--a morn big with the fate of many a scholastic +woe--of lectures and reprovals from tutors, and fines and impositions +and denunciations from principals, of proctorial reports to the +vice-chancellor, and examinations before the _big wigs_, and sentences +of expulsion 268~~and rustication: coming evils which, by anticipation, +kept many a man awake upon his pillow, spite of the perilous fatigue +which weighed so heavy upon the exhausted frame. The freshman had little +to fear: he could plead his ignorance of college rules, or escape notice +altogether, from not having yet domiciled within the walls of a college. +Although I had little to expect from the apprehension of any of these +troubles, as my person was, from my short residence, most likely unknown +to any of the authorities--yet did Morpheus refuse his soporific +balsam to the mind--I could not help thinking of my young and giddy +companions, of the kind-hearted Eglantine, immured within the walls of +a dungeon; of the noble-spirited Echo, maltreated and disfigured by the +temporary loss of an eye; of the facetious Bob Transit, so bruised and +exhausted, that a long illness might be expected; and, lastly, of our +Eton sextile, the incomparable exquisite Lionise, who, if discovered in +his dangerous frolic, would, perhaps, have to leap out of a first floor +window at the risk of his neck, sustain an action for damages, and his +expulsion from college at the same time. Little Dick Gradus, with his +usual cunning, had shirked us at the commencement of hostilities; and +the Honourable Mr. Sparkle had been carried home to his lodging, early +in the fray, more overcome by hard drinking than hard fighting, and +there safely put to bed by the indefatigable Mark Supple, to whose +friendly zeal and more effective arm we were all much indebted. In +this reflective mood, I had watched the retiring shadows of the night +gradually disperse before the gray-eyed morn, and had just caught a +glimpse of the golden streaks which illumine the face of day, when my +o'er-wearied spirit sank to rest. + +[Illustration: page269] + +A little before seven o'clock I was awoke by Echo, who came into my room +to borrow some clean linen, to enable him to attend chapel prayers +at Christ Church. Judge my surprise when I perceived my one-eyed +~269~~warrior completely restored to his full sight, and not the least +appearance of any participation in the affair of the previous night. +"What? you can't comprehend how I managed my black optic? hey, old +fellow," said Echo; "you shall hear: knocked up Transit, and made him +send for his colours, and paint it over--looks quite natural, don't +it?--defy the big wigs to find it out--and if I can but make all right +by a sop to the old Cerberus at the gate, and _queer_ the _prick bills_ +at chapel prayers, I hope to escape the _quick-sands of rustication_, +and pass safely through the _creek of proctorial jeopardy_. If you're +fond of fun, old fellow, jump up and view the Christ Church men +proceeding to _black matins_ this morning. After the Roysten hunt +yesterday--the dinner at the Black Bear at Woodstock--and the _Town and +Gown row_ of last night, there will be a motley procession this morning, +I'll bet a hundred." The opportunity was a rare one to view the +effect of late drinking upon early risers (see Plate); slipping on +my academicals, therefore, I accompanied my friend Tom to morning +prayers,--a circumstance, as I have since been informed, which would +have involved me in very serious disgrace, had the appearance of an _ex +college_ man at vespers attracted the notice of any of the big wigs. +Fortunately, however, I escaped the prying eyes of authority, which, +on these occasions, are sometimes as much under the dominion of +Morpheus--and literally walk in their sleep from custom--as the young +and inexperienced betray the influence of some more seductive charm. The +very bell that called the drowsy student from his bed seemed to rise +and fall in accordant sympathy with the lethargic humour that prevailed, +tolling in slow and half-sounding notes scarcely audible beyond the +college gates. The broken light, that shed its misty hue through +the monastic aisle of painted windows and clustered columns, gave an +increased appearance of drowsiness to the scene; while the chilling air +of the ~270~~morning nipped the young and dissolute, as it fell in hazy +dews upon the bare-headed sons of _alma mater_, within many of whose +bosoms the fires of the previous night's debauch were but scarce +extinguished. Then came the lazy unwashed _scout_, crawling along the +quadrangle, rubbing his heavy eyes, and cursing his hard fate to be thus +compelled to give early notice to some slumbering student of the hour of +seven, waking him from dreams of bliss, by thundering at his _oak_ the +summons to _black matins_. Now crept the youthful band along the +avenue, and one by one the drowsy congregation stole through the Gothic +ante-chamber that leads to Christ Church chapel, like unwilling victims +to some pious sacrifice. Here a lengthened yawn proclaimed the want of +rest, and near a tremulous step and heavy half-closed eye was observed, +pacing across the marble floor, with hand pressed to his _os frontis_, +as if a thousand odd and sickly fantasies inhabited that chamber of the +muses. Now two friends might be seen, supporting a third, whose ghastly +aspect bespoke him fresh in the sacred mysteries of college parties and +of Bacchus; but who had, nevertheless, undergone a tolerable seasoning +on the previous night. There a jolly Nimrod, who had just cleared the +college walls, and reached his rooms time enough to cover his hunting +frock and boots with his academicals, was seen racing along, to 'scape +the _prick bill's_ report, with his round hunting cap in his hand, in +lieu of the square tufted trencher of the schools. Night-caps thrown off +in the entry--shoes and stockings tied in the aisle--a red slipper and +the black jockey boot decorating one pair of legs was no uncommon sight; +while on every side rushed forward the anxious group with gowns on one +arm, or trailing after them, or loosely thrown around the shoulders to +escape tribulation, with here and there a sentimental-looking personage +of portly habit and solemn gait moving slowly on, filled up the motley +picture. The prayers were, indeed, brief, and ~271~~hurried through with +a rapidity that, I dare say, is never complained of by the _togati_; +but is certainly little calculated to impress the youthful mind with any +serious respect for these relics of monkish custom, which, after all, +must be considered more in the light of a punishment for those who are +compelled to attend than any necessary or instructive service connected +with the true interests of orthodoxy. In a quarter of an hour the whole +group had dispersed to their respective rooms, and within the five +minutes next ensuing, I should suppose, the greater part were again +comfortably deposited beneath their bedclothes, snoozing away the time +till ten or twelve, to make up for these inroads on the slumbers of the +previous night. A few hours spent in my friend's rooms, lolling on the +sofa, while the scout prepared breakfast, and Tom decorated his person, +brought the awful hour of the morning, when all who had taken any very +conspicuous share in the events of the previous night were likely to +hear of their misdoings, and receive a summons to appear before the +vice-chancellor in the Divinity school, better known by the name +of _Golgotha_, or the place of skulls, (see Plate); where, on this +occasion, he was expected to meet the big wigs, to confer on some +important measures necessary for the future peace and welfare of the +university. The usual time had elapsed for these unpleasant visitations, +and Echo was chuckling finely at his dexterity in evading the eye of +authority, nor was I a little pleased to have escaped myself, when +a single rap at the oak, not unlike the hard determined thump of an +inflexible dun, in one moment revived all our worst apprehensions, and, +unfortunately, with too much reason for the alarm. The proctors had +marked poor Tom, and traced him out, and this visit was from one of +their bull-dogs, bringing a summons for Echo to attend before the +vice-chancellor and dignitaries. "What's to be done, old fellow?" said +Echo; "I shall be ~272~~expelled to a certainty--and, if I don't strike +my own name off the books at the buttery hatch, shall be prevented +making a retreat to Cam roads.--You're out of the scrape, that's clear, +and that affords me some hope; for as you are fresh, your word will pass +for something in extenuation, or arrest of judgment." After some little +time spent in anticipating the charges likely to be brought against him, +and arranging the best mode of defence, it was agreed that Echo should +proceed forthwith to _Golgotha_, and there, with undaunted front, meet +his accusers; while I was to proceed to Transit and Lionise, and having +instructed them in the story we had planned, meet him at the _place of +skulls_, fully prepared to establish, by the most incontrovertible +and consistent evidence, that we were not the aggressors in the row. A +little persuasion was necessary to convince both our friends that their +presence would be essential to Echo's acquittal; they had too many just +qualms, and fears, and prejudices of this inquisitorial court not to +dread perhaps detection, and a severe reprimand themselves: having, +however, succeeded in this point, we all three compared notes, and +proceeded to where the vice-chancellor and certain heads of houses sat +in solemn judgment on the trembling _togati_. Echo was already under +examination; one of the _bull-dogs_ had sworn particularly to Tom's +being a most active leader in the fray of the previous night; and +having, in the contest, suffered a complete disorganization of his lower +jaw, with the total loss of sundry of his _front rails_, he took this +opportunity of affixing the honour of the deed to my unlucky friend, +expecting, no doubt, a very handsome recompense would be awarded him by +the court. Expostulation was in vain: Transit, Lionise, and myself were +successively called in and examined very minutely, and although we all +agreed to a letter in our story, and made a very clever ~273~~defence of +the culprit, we yet had the mortification to hear from little Dodd, +who kept the door, and who is always best pleased when he can convey +unpleasant tidings to the Gown, that Echo had received sentence of +rustication for the remainder of the term; and that Eglantine, in +consideration of the imprisonment he had already undergone, and some +favourable circumstances in his case, was let off with a fine and +imposition. + +[Illustration: page273] + +Thus ended the row of the _Town and Gown_, as far as our party was +personally concerned; but many of the members of the different colleges +were equally unfortunate in meeting the heavy censures and judgments of +authority. I have just taken possession of my _hospitium_, and set down +with a determination _to fagg_; do, therefore, keep your promise, and +enliven the dull routine of college studies with some account of the +world at Brighton. + +Bernard Blackmantle. + + On what dread perils doth the youth adventure, + Who dares within the Fellows' Bog to enter. + +[Illustration: page273b] + +[Illustration: page274] + + + + +THE STAGE COACH, + +OR THE TRIP TO BRIGHTON. + + _Improvements in Travelling--Contrast of ancient and modern + Conveyances and Coachmen--Project for a new Land Steam + Carriage--The Inn-yard at the Golden Cross, Charing Cross-- + Mistakes of Pas-sengers--Variety of Characters--Advantages + of the Box-seat--Obstructions on the Road--A Pull-up at the + Elephant and Castle--Move on to Kensington Common--Hew + Churches--Civic Villas at Brixton--Modern Taste in + Architecture described-Arrival at Croydon; why not now the + King's Road?--The Joliffe Hounds--A Hunting Leader-- + Anecdotes of the Horse, by Coachee--The new Tunnel at + Reigate--The Baron's Chamber--The Golden Ball--the Silver + Ball--and the Golden Calf--Entrance into Brighton._ + +~275~~ That every age is an improved edition of the former I am not +(recollecting the splendid relics of antiquity) prepared to admit; +but that the present is particularly distinguished for discoveries +in science, and vast improvements in mechanical arts, every accurate +observer must allow: the _prodigious_ inventions of late years +cannot fail in due time of producing that perfectibility, the great +consummation denominated the Millennium. Of all other improvements, +perhaps the most conspicuous are in the powers of motion as connected +with the mode and means of travelling. With what astonishment, were it +possible to reanimate the clay-cold relics, would our ancestors survey +the accelerated perfection to which coaching is brought in the +present day! The journey from London to Brighton, for instance, was, +half-a-century since, completed at great risk in twenty-four hours, over +a rough road that threatened destruction at every turn; and required the +most laborious exertion to reach the summit of precipices that are now, +like a ruined spendthrift, cut through and through: the declivities +too have disappeared, and from its level face, the whole country would +appear to have undergone another revolutionary change, even to the +horses, harness, and the driver of the vehicle. In such a country as +this, where a disposition to activity and a rambling propensity to seek +their fortunes forms one of the most distinguishing characteristics, it +was to be expected that travelling would be brought to great perfection; +but the most sanguine in this particular could never have anticipated +the rapidity with which we are now whirled from one end of the kingdom +to the other; fifty-two miles in five hours and a quarter, five changes +of horses, and the same coachman to whisk you back again to supper over +the same ground, and within the limits of the same day. No _ruts +or quarterings_ now--all level as a bowling-green--half-bred blood +cattle--bright brass harness--_minute and a half time_ to change--and a +well-bred gentlemanly fellow for a coachman, who amuses you ~276~~with a +volume of anecdotes, if you are fortunate enough to secure the box-seat, +or touches his hat with the _congee_ of a courtier, as he pockets your +tributary shilling at parting. No necessity either for settling your +worldly affairs, or taking an affectionate farewell of a long string of +relations before starting; travelling being now brought to a security +unparalleled, and letters patent having passed the great seal of England +to ensure, by means of _safety coaches_, the lives of her rambling +subjects. There requires but one other invention to render the whole +perfect, and that, if we may believe the newspapers, is very near +completion--a coach to go without horses: to this I beg leave to +propose, the steam apparatus might be made applicable to all the +purposes of a portable kitchen. The coachman, instead of being a good +judge of horse-flesh, to be selected from a first rate London tavern for +his proficiency in cooking, a known prime hand at decomposing a turtle; +instead of a book of roads, in the inside pocket should be placed a copy +of Mrs. Glasse on Cookery, or Dr. Kitchener on Culinaries; where the +fore-boot now is might be constructed a glazed larder, filled with all +the good things in season: then too the accommodation to invalids, the +back seat of the coach, might be made applicable to all the purposes of +a shampooing or vapour bath--no occasion for Molineux or his black rival +Mahomed; book your patients inside back seat in London, wrap them up +in blankets, and give directions to the cook to keep up a good steam +thermometer during the journey, 120 deg., and you may deliver them safe +at Brighton, properly hashed and reduced for any further medical +experiments. (See Engraving, p. 274.) The accommodation to fat citizens, +and western _gourmands_, would be excellent, the very height of luxury +and refinement--inhaling the salubrious breeze one moment, and gurgling +down the glutinous calipash the next; no ~277~~exactions of impudent +waiters, or imposing landlords, or complaints of dying from hunger, or +choking from the want of time to masticate; but every wish gratified and +every sense employed. Then how jovial and pleasant it would appear +to see perched up in front a John Bull-looking fellow in a snow-white +jacket, with a night-cap and apron of the same, a carving-knife in a +case by his side, and a poker in his hand to stir up the steam-furnace, +or singe a highwayman's wig, should any one attack the coach; this +indeed would be an improvement worthy of the age, and call forth +the warmest and most grateful tributes of applause from all ranks in +society. For myself, I have always endeavoured to read "men more +than books," and have ever found an endless diversity of character, +a never-failing source of study and amusement in a trip to a +watering-place: perched on the top in summer, or pinched inside in +winter of a stage-coach, here, at leisure and unknown, I can watch +the varied groups of all nations as they roam about for profit or for +pleasure, and note their varieties as they pass away like the retiring +landscape, never perhaps to meet the eye again. + +The excursion to Brighton was no sooner finally arranged, than declining +the proffered seat in D'Almaine's travelling carriage, I packed up my +portmanteau, and gave directions to my servant to book me outside at the +Golden Cross, by the seven o'clock morning coach, for Brighton; taking +care to secure the box-seat, by the payment of an extra shilling to the +porter. + +An inn-yard, particularly such a well-frequented one as the Golden +Cross, Charing Cross, affords the greatest variety of character and +entertainment to a humorist. Vehicles to all parts of the kingdom, and +from the inscription on the Dover coaches, I might add to all parts of +the world, _via Paris_. "Does that coach go the whole way to France?" +said an ~278~~unsuspecting little piece of female simplicity to me, as +I stood lolling on the steps at the coach-office door. "Certainly," +replied I, unthinkingly. "O, then I suppose," said the speaker, "they +have finished the projected chain-pier from Dover to Calais." "France +and England united? nothing more impossible," quoth I, correcting +the impression I had unintentionally created. "Are you going by the +Brighton, mam?" "Yes, I be." "Can't _take_ all that luggage." "Then you +sha'n't _take_ me." "Don't wish to be __taken for a waggon-man." +"No, but by Jasus, friend, you are a wag-on-her," said a merry-faced +Hibernian, standing by. "Have you paid down the _dust_, mam?" inquired +the last speaker. "I have paid for my place, sir," said the lady; "and +I shall lose two, if I don't go." "Then by the powers, cookey, you had +better pay for one and a half, and that will include luggage, and then +you'll be a half gainer by the bargain." "What a cursed narrow hole this +is for a decent-sized man to cram himself in at?" muttered an enormous +bulky citizen, sticking half-way in the coach-door, and panting for +breath from the violence of his exertions to drag his hind-quarters +after him. "Take these hampers on the top, Jack," said the porter below +to the man loading the coach, and quietly rested the baskets across the +projecting _ultimatum_ of the fat citizen (to the no little amusement +of the bystanders), who through his legs vociferated, "I'll indict you, +fellows; I'll be----if I don't, under Dick Martin's act." "It must be +then, my jewel," said the waggish Hibernian, "for overloading a mule." +"Do we take _the whole_ of you to-day, sir?" said coachee, assisting to +push him in. "What do you mean by _the whole_? I am only one man." +"A master tailor," said coachee, aside, "he must be then, with the +_pickings_ of nine poor journeymen in his paunch." "Ish tere any room +outshide te coach?" bawled out a black-headed little Israelite; "ve +shall be all shmotered vithin, ~279~~tish hot day; here are too peepels +inshite, vat each might fill a coach by temselves." "All right--all +right; take care of your heads, gemmen, going under the gateway; give +the bearing rein of the near leader one twist more, and pole up the off +wheeler a link or two. All right, Tom--all right--stand away from the +horses' heads, there--ehewt, fee'e't!"--smack goes the whip, and away +goes the Brighton Times like a Congreve rocket, filled with all manner +of combustibles. + +The box-seat has one considerable advantage--it exempts you from the +inquisitive and oftentimes impertinent conversation of a mixed group +of stage-coach passengers; in addition to which, if you are fond of +driving, a foible of mine, I confess, it affords an opportunity for an +extra lesson on the noble art of _handling the ribbons_, and at the same +time puts you in possession of all the topographical, descriptive, and +anecdotal matter relative to the resident gentry and the road. + +The first two miles from the place of starting is generally occupied +in clearing obstructions on the road, taking up old maids at their own +houses, with pug-dogs, pattens, and parrots, or pert young misses at +their papas' shop-doors; whose mammas take this opportunity of delaying +a coach-load of people to display their maternal tenderness at parting, +while the junior branches of the family hover round the vehicle, and +assail your ears with lisping out their eternal "good b'yes," and the +old hairless head of the family is seen slyly _tipping_ coachee an +extra shilling to take care of his darling girl. The Elephant and Castle +produces another _pull-up_, and here a branch-coach brings a load of +lumber from the city, which, while the porter is stowing away, gives +time to exhibit the _lions_ who are leaving London in every direction. +King's Bench rulers with needy habiliments, and lingering looks, sighing +for term-time and ~280~~a _horse_,{1} on one side the road, and Jews, +newsmen, and _touters_, on the other; who nearly _give away_ their +goods, if you believe them, for the good of the nation, or force you +into a coach travelling in direct opposition to the road for which +you have been booked, and in which your luggage may by such mischance +happily precede you at least half a day. At length all again is declared +right, the supervisor delivers his _way-bill_, and forward moves the +coach, at a somewhat brisker pace, to Kennington Common. I shall not +detain my readers here with a long dull account of the unfortunate +rebels who suffered on this spot in 1745; but rather direct their +attention to a neat Protestant church, which has recently been erected +on the space between the two roads leading to Croydon and Sutton, the +portico of which is in fine architectural taste, and the whole +building a very great accommodation and distinguished ornament to the +neighbourhood. About half a mile farther, on the rise of Brixton hill, +is another newly erected church, the portico in the style of a Greek +temple, and in an equally commanding situation: from this to Croydon, +ten miles, you have a tolerable specimen of civic taste in rural +architecture. + +On both sides of the road may be seen a variety of incongruous edifices, +called villas and cottage _ornees_, peeping up in all the pride of a +retired linen-draper, or the consequential authority of a man in office, +in as many varied styles of architecture as of dispositions in the +different proprietors, and all exhibiting (in their possessors' opinion) +claims to the purest and most refined taste. + +For example, the basement story is in the Chinese or Venetian style, +the first floor in that of the florid Gothic, with tiles and a +pediment _a-la-Nash_, at the Bank; a doorway with inclined jambs, and a +hieroglyphic _a-la-Greek_: a gable-ended glass _lean to_ on + + 1 A day-rule, so called. + +~281~~one side, about big enough for a dog-kennel, is called a +green-house, while a similar erection on the other affords retirement +for the _tit_ and tilbury; the door of which is always set wide open +in fine weather, to display to passers-by the splendid equipage of the +occupier. The parterre in front (green as the jaundiced eye of their +less fortunate brother tradesmen) is enriched with some dozens of +vermilion-coloured flower-pots mounted on a japanned verdigris frame, +sending forth odoriferous, balmy, and enchanting gales to the grateful +olfactory organs, from the half-withered stems of pining and consumptive +geraniums; to complete the picture, two unique plaster casts of naked +figures, the Apollo Belvidere and the Venus de Medici, at most a foot +in altitude, are placed on clumsy wooden pedestals of three times that +height before the parlour-windows, painted in a chaste flesh-colour, +and guarded by a Whitechapel bull-cdog, who, like another Cerberus, sits +growling at the gate to fright away the child of poverty, and insult the +less wealthy pedestrian. + +Happy country! where every man can consult his own taste, and build +according to his own fancy, amalgamating in one structure all the known +orders and varieties, Persian, Egyptian, Athenian, and European. + +Croydon in 1573 contained the _archiepiscopal palace_ of the celebrated +Archbishop Parker, who, as well as his successor Whitgift, here had +frequently the honour to entertain Queen Elizabeth and her court: the +manor since the reign of William the Conqueror has belonged to the +Archbishops of Canterbury. The church is a venerable structure, and the +stately tower, embowered with woods and flanked by the Surrey hills, +a most picturesque and commanding object; the interior contains some +monuments of antiquity well worthy the attention of the curious. The +town itself has little worthy of note except the hospital, ~282~~founded +by Archbishop Whitgift for a warder and twenty poor men and women, +decayed housekeepers of Croyden and Lambeth: a very comfortable and +well-endowed retirement. + +"This was formerly the King's road," said coachee, "but the radicals +having thought proper to insult his majesty on his passing through to +Brighton during the affair of the late Queen, he has ever since gone by +the way of Sutton: a circumstance that has at least operated to produce +one christian virtue among the inhabitants, namely, that of humility; +before this there was no _getting change_ for a civil sentence from +them." + +To Merstham seven miles, the road winds through a bleak valley called +Smithem Bottom, till recently the favourite resort of the cockney +gunners for rabbit-shooting; but whether from the noise of their +harmless double-barrel _Nocks_, or the more dreadful carnage of the +Croydon poachers, these animals are now exceedingly scarce in this +neighbourhood. Just as we came in sight of Merstham, the distant view +halloo of the huntsman broke upon our ears, when the near-leader rising +upon his haunches and neighing with delight at the inspiring sound, gave +us to understand that he had not always been used to a life of drudgery, +but in earlier times had most likely carried some daring Nimrod to the +field, and bounded with fiery courage o'er hedge and gate, through dell +and brake, outstripping the fleeting wind to gain the honour of _the +brush_. Ere we had gained the village, reynard and the whole field broke +over the road in their scarlet frocks, and dogs and horses made a dash +away for a steeple chase across the country, led by the worthy-hearted +owner of the pack, the jolly fox-hunting Colonel, Hilton Jolliffe, whose +residence caps the summit of the hill. From hence to Reigate, four miles +farther, there was no circumstance or object of interest, if I except a +very romantic tale coachee ~283~~narrated of his hunting leader, who had +of course been bred in the stud of royalty itself, and had since been +the property of two or three sporting peers, when, having put out a +_spavin_, during the last hunting season, he was sold for a __machiner; +but being since fired and turned out, he had come up all right, and +was now, according to coachee's disinterested opinion, one of the best +hunters in the kingdom. As I was not exactly the customer coachee was +looking for, being at the time pretty well mounted, I thought it better +to indulge him in the joke, particularly as any doubt on my part might +have soured the whip, and made him sullen for the rest of the journey. + +At Reigate a trifling accident happened to one of the springs of the +coach, which detained us half an hour, and enabled me to pay a visit +to the celebrated sand cavern, where, it is reported, the Barons met, +during the reign of King John, to hold their councils and draw up +that great _palladium_ of English liberty, _Magna Charta_, which was +afterwards signed at Runnymede. + +There was something awful about this stupendous excavation that +impressed me with solemn thoughtfulness; it lies about sixty feet from +the surface of the earth, and is divided into three apartments with +arched roofs, the farthest of which is designated the Barons' Chamber. +Time flowed back upon my memory as I sat in the niches hewn out in the +sides of the cavern, and meditation deep usurped my mind as I dwelt on +the recollections of history; on the + + "Majestic forms, and men of other times, + Retired to fan the patriotic fire, + Which, bursting forth at Runnymede, + With rays of glory lightened all the land!" + +Near to the mouth of this cavern stands the remains of Holms Castle, +celebrated in the history of the civil wars between Charles the +First and his parliament; and on the site of an ancient monastic +establishment, ~284~~near to the spot, has been erected a handsome +modern mansion called the Priory of Holmsdale, the name of the valley +in which the town is situate. Returning to the inn I observed the new +tunnel, which we had previously passed under, a recent work of great +labour and expense, which saves a considerable distance in the approach +to the town; it has been principally effected by a wealthy innkeeper, +and certainly adds much to the advantage and beauty of the place. +Coachee had now made all right, and his anxious passengers were again +replaced in their former situations to proceed on our journey. The +next stage, ten miles, to Crawley, a picturesque place, afforded little +variety, if I except an immense elm which stands by the side of the +road as you enter, and has a door in front to admit the curious into its +hollow trunk. Our next post was Cuckfield, nine miles, where I did not +discover any thing worthy of narration; from this to Brighton, twelve +miles, coachee amused me with some anecdotes of persons whom we passed +upon the road. A handsome chariot, with a most divine little creature +in the inside, and a good-looking _roue_, with huge mustachios, first +attracted my notice: "that is the golden Ball," said coachee, "and his +new wife; he often _rolls down_ this road for a day or two--spends his +cash like an emperor--and before he was _tied up_ used to tip pretty +freely for _handling the ribbons_, but that's all up now, for _Mamsell_ +Mercandotti finds him better amusement. A gem-man who often comes down +with me says his father was a slopseller in Ratcliffe Highway, and +afterwards marrying the widow of Admiral Hughes, a rich old West India +nabob, he left this young gemman the bulk of his property, and a +very worthy fellow he is: but we've another rich fellow that's rather +notorious at Brighton, which we distinguish by the name of the _silver +Ball_, only he's a bit of a _screw_, and has lately ~285~~got himself +into a scrape about a pretty actress, from which circumstance they have +changed his name to the _Foote Ball_. I suppose you guess where I am +now," said coachee, tipping me one of his knowing winks. "Do you see +that machine before us, a sort of cabriolet, with two horses drove in +a curricle bar? that is another _swell_ who is very fond of Brighton, +a Jew gentleman of the name of Solomon, whom the wags have made a +Christian of by the new appellation of the _golden calf_; but his +godfathers were never more out in their lives, for in _splitting a bob_, +it's my opinion, he'd bother all Bevis Marks and the Stock Exchange +into the bargain." In this way we trotted along, gathering good air and +information at every step, until we were in sight of Brighton Downs, a +long chain of hills, which appear on either side; with their undulating +surfaces covered with the sweet herb wild thyme, and diversified by the +numerous flocks of South-down sheep grazing on their loftiest summits. +After winding through the romantic valley of Preston, the white-fronted +houses and glazed bricks of Brighton break upon the sight, sparkling in +the sun-beams, with a distant glimpse of the sea, appearing, at first +sight, to rise above the town like a blue mountain in the distance: we +entered the place along what is called the London Road, with a view of +the Pavilion before us, the favourite abode of royalty, shooting its +minaret towers and glass dome upwards in the most grotesque character, +not unlike the representations of the Kremlin at Moscow; exciting, at +the first glance, among the passengers, the most varied and amusing +sallies of witticisms and conjectures.--Having procured a sketch of it +from this view, I shall leave you to contemplate, while I retire to +my inn and make the necessary arrangements for refreshment and future +habitation. + +By way of postscript, I enclose you a very entertaining scene I +witnessed between D'Almaine and ~286~~his wife the night previous to my +journey: they are strange creatures; but you love eccentrics, and may be +amused with this little drama, which formed the motive for my visit. + +Horatio Heartly. + +[Illustration: page286] + + + + +THE PROPOSITION. + + _Family Secrets--Female Tactics--How to carry the Point._ + +~287~~"It was ever thus, D'Almaine," said Lady Mary; "always hesitating +between a natural liberality of disposition, and a cold, calculating, +acquired parsimony, that has never increased our fortune in the sum of +sixpence, or added in the slightest degree to our domestic comforts." +"All the _prejudice of education_" said D'Almaine, good-humouredly; "my +old uncle, the banker, to whose bounty we are both much indebted, my +dear, early inculcated these notions of thrift into the brain of a +certain lighthearted young gentleman, whose buoyant spirits sometimes +led him a little beyond the _barrier of prudence_, and too often left +him environed with difficulties in the _marshes of impediment_. 'Look +before you leap,' was a wise saw of the old gentleman's; and 'be just +before you're generous,' a proverb that never failed to accompany a +temporary supply, or an additional demand upon his generosity."--"Hang +your old uncle!" replied Lady Mary, pouting and trying to look +ill-tempered in the face of Lord Henry's good-natured remonstrance,--"I +never ask a favour for myself, or solicit you to take the recreation +necessary to your own health and that of your family, but I am pestered +with the revised musty maxims of your dead old uncle. He has been +consigned to the earth these ten years, and ~288~~if it were not for the +ten thousand per annum he left us, ought long since to have shared the +fate of his ancestry, whose names were never heard more of than the +tributary tablet imparts to the eye of curiosity in a country church, +and within whose limits all inquiry ends." "Gratitude, Lady Mary, if +not respect for my feelings, should preserve that good man's name +from reproach." Lord Henry's eye was unusually expressive--he +continued:--"The coronet that graces your own soul-inspiring face would +lack the lustre of its present brilliancy, but for the generous bequest +of the old city banker, whose _plum_ was the _sweetest windfall_ that +ever dropt into the empty purse of the poor possessor of an ancient +baronial title. The old battlements of Crackenbury have stood many a +siege, 'tis true; but that formidable engine of modern warfare, the +_catapulta_ of the auctioneer, had, but for him, proved more destructive +to its walls than the battering-ram and hoarse cannonades of ancient +rebels." + +~288~~When a woman is foiled at argument, she generally has recourse +to finesse. Lady Mary had made up her mind to carry her point; finding +therefore the right column of her vengeance turned by the smart attack +of D'Almaine's raillery, she was determined to out-flank him with +her whole park of well-appointed artillery, consisting of all those +endearing, solicitous looks and expressions, that can melt the most +obdurate heart, and command a victory over the most experienced general. +It was in vain that Lord Henry urged the unusual heavy expenses of the +season in town,--the four hundred paid for the box at the opera,--or the +seven hundred for the greys and the new barouche,--the pending demand +from Messrs. Rundell's for the new service of plate,--and the splendid +alterations and additions just made to the old family hall,--with +~289~~numerous other most provoking items which the old steward had +conjured up, as if on purpose, to abridge the pleasures of Lady Mary's +intended tour. "It was very _distressing_--she heartily wished there +was no such thing as money in the world--it made people very +miserable--they were a much happier couple, she contended, when they +were merely Honourables, and lived upon a paltry two thousand and +the expectancy--there never was any difficulty then about money +transactions, and a proposition for a trip to a watering-place was +always hailed with pleasure."--"True, Lady Mary; but then you forget we +travelled in a stage coach, with your maid on the outside, while my +man servant, with a led-horse, followed or preceded us. Then, we were +content with lodgings on the West-cliff, and the use of a kitchen: now, +we require a splendid establishment, must travel in our own chariot, +occupy half a mews with our horses, and fill half a good-sized barrack +with our servants. Then, we could live snug, accept an invitation to +dinner with a commoner, and walk or ride about as we pleased, without +being pointed at as _lions_ or _raro aves_ just broke loose from the +great state aviary at St. James's." "We shall scarcely be discovered," +said Lady Mary, "among the stars that surround the regal planet."--"We +shall be much mortified then," said Lord Henry, facetiously.--"You are +very provoking, D'Almaine. I know your turf speculations have proved +fortunate of late: I witnessed Sir Charles paying you a large sum +the other morning; and I have good reason for thinking you have +been successful at the club, for I have not heard your usual morning +salutation to your valet, who generally on the occasion of your losses +receives more checks than are payable at your bankers. You shall advance +me a portion of your winnings, in return for which I promise you good +health, good society, and, perhaps, if the stars _shoot ~290~~rightly_, +a good place for our second son. In these days of peace, the distaff can +effect more than the field-marshal's baton."--"Always provided," said +my sire (clapping his hand upon his _os frontis_), "that nothing else +_shoots out_ of such condescensions." + +"But why has Brighton the preference as a watering place?" said Lord +Henry: "the Isle of Wight is, in my opinion, more retired; +Southampton more select; Tunbridge Wells more rural; and Worthing more +social."--"True, D'Almaine; but I am not yet so old and woe-begone, so +out of conceit with myself, or misanthropic with the world, to choose +either the retired, the select, the rural, or the social. I love the +bustle of society, enjoy the promenade on the Steyne, and the varied +character that nightly fills the libraries; I read men, not books, and +above all I enjoy the world of fashion. Where the King is, there is +concentrated all that is delightful in society. Your retired dowagers +and Opposition peers may congregate in rural retirement, and sigh with +envy at the enchanting splendour of the court circle; those only who +have felt its cheering influence can speak of its inspiring pleasures; +and all who have participated in the elegant scene will laugh at the +whispers of malignity and the innuendoes of disappointment, which are +ever pregnant with some newly invented _on dit_ of scandalous tendency, +to libel a circle of whom they know nothing but by report; and that +report, in nine instances out of ten, 'the weak invention of the +enemy.'" "Bravo, Lady Mary; your spirited defence of the Pavilion party +does honour to your heart, and displays as much good sense as honest +feeling; but a little interest, methinks, lurks about it for all that: I +have not forgotten the honour we received on our last visit; and you, I +can perceive, anticipate a renewal of the same gratifying condescension; +so give James his instructions, and let him proceed to Brighton +to-morrow to make the necessary arrangements for our arrival." + +~291~~Thus ended the colloquy in the usual family manner, when well-bred +men entertain something more than mere respect for their elegant and +accomplished partners. + +[Illustration: page291] + + + + +SKETCHES AT BRIGHTON. + + _The Pavilion Party--Interior described--Royal and Noble + Anecdotes--King and Mathews_. + +~292~~I had preceded D'Almaine and the Countess only a few hours in my +arrival at Brighton; you know the vivacity and enchanting humour which +ever animates that little divinity, and will not therefore be surprised +to hear, on her name being announced at the Pavilion, we were honoured +with a royal invitation to an evening party. I had long sighed for an +opportunity to view the interior of that eccentric building; but to +have enjoyed such a treat, made doubly attractive by the presence of +the King, reposing from the toils of state in his favourite retreat, and +surrounded by the select circle of his private friends, was more than my +most sanguine expectations could have led me to conjecture. Suspending, +therefore, my curiosity until the morrow, relative to the Steyne, the +beach, the libraries, and the characters, I made a desperate effort in +embellishing, to look unusually stylish, and as usual, never succeeded +so ill in my life. Our residence on the Grand Parade is scarcely a +hundred yards from, and overlooks the Pavilion--a circumstance which +had quite escaped my recollection; for with all the natural anxiety of a +young and ardent mind, I had fully equipped myself before the Count had +even thought of entering his dressing-room. Half-an-hour's lounge at +the projecting window of our new habitation, on a tine summer's evening, +gave me an opportunity of remarking the ~293~~singular appearance the +front of this building presents: + + "If minarets, rising together, provoke + From the lips of the vulgar the old-fashioned joke-- + + '_De gustibus non est_ (I think) _disputandum_' + The taste is plebeian that quizzes at random." + +There is really something very romantic in the style of its +architecture, and by no means inelegant; perhaps it is better suited for +the peculiar situation of this marine palace than a more classical or +accredited order would be. It has been likened, on its first appearance, +to a chess-board; but, in my thinking, it more nearly resembles that +soul-inspiring scene, the splendid banquet table, decorated in the best +style of modern grandeur, and covered with the usual plate and glass +enrichments: for instance, the central dome represents the water magnum, +the towers right and left, with their pointed spires, champagne bottles, +the square compartments on each side are exactly like the form of +our fashionable liqueur stands, the clock tower resembles the centre +ornament of a plateau, the various small spires so many enriched +_candelabra_, the glass dome a superb dessert dish; but + + "Don't expect, my dear boy, I can similies find + For a heap of similitudes so undefined. + And why should I censure tastes not my concern? + 'Tis as well for the arts that all tastes have their turn." + +If I had written for three hours on the subject, I could not have +been more explicit; you have only to arrange the articles in the order +enumerated, and you have a model of the upper part of the building +before you. At nine o'clock we made our _entre_ into the Pavilion, +westward, passing through the vestibule and hall, when we entered one +of the most superb apartments that art or fancy can devise, whether for +richness of effect, decoration, and design: this is ~294~~called the +_Chinese Gallery_, one hundred and sixty-two feet in length by seventeen +feet in breadth, and is divided into five compartments, the centre being +illumined with a light of stained glass, on which is represented the +God of Thunder, as described in the Chinese mythology, surrounded by the +imperial five-clawed dragons, supporting pendent lanterns, ornamented +with corresponding devices. The ceiling or cove is the colour of +peach blossom; and a Chinese canopy is suspended round from the +lower compartment with tassels, bells, &c.: the furniture and other +decorations, such as cabinets, chimney-piece, trophies, and banners, +which are in the gallery, are all in strict accordance with the Chinese +taste; while on every side the embellishments present twisted dragons, +pagodas, and mythological devices of birds, flowers, insects, statues, +formed from a yellow marble; and a rich collection of Oriental china. +The extreme compartments north and south are occupied by chased brass +staircases, the lateral ornaments of which are serpents, and the +balusters resemble bamboo. In the north division is the _fum_{1} or +Chinese bird of royalty: this gallery opens into the music room, an +apartment forty-two feet square, with two recesses of ten feet each, and +rising in height forty-one feet, to a dome thirty feet in diameter. The +magnificence and imposing grandeur of effect surpasses all effort +at detail. It presented a scene of enchantment which brought to +recollection the florid descriptions, in the Persian Tales, of the +palaces of the genii: the prevailing decoration is executed in green +gold, and produces a most singularly splendid effect. On the walls +are twelve highly finished paintings, views in China, principally near +Pekin, imitative of the crimson japan. + + 1 The fum is said to be found in no part of the world but + China. It is described as of most admirable beauty; and + their absence for any time from the imperial city regarded + as an omen of misfortune to the royal family. The emperor + and mandarins have the semblance of these birds embroidered + on their vestments. + +~295~~The dome appears to be excavated out of a rock of solid gold, and +is supported by an octagonal base, ornamented with the richest Chinese +devices; at each angle of the room is a pagoda-tower, formed of the most +costly materials in glass and china, with lamps attached; beneath the +dome and base is a splendid canopy, supported by columns of crimson and +gold, with twisted serpents of enormous size, and terrific expression +surrounding them. A magnificent organ, by Sinclair, the largest and best +in the kingdom, occupies the north recess, twenty feet in width, length, +and height: there are two entrances to this room, one from the _Egyptian +gallery_, and another from the yellow drawing-room, each under a rich +canopy, supported by gold columns. A beautiful chimney-piece of white +statuary marble, and an immense mirror, with splendid draperies of +blue, red, and yellow satin, rare china jars, and ornaments in ormolu, +increase the dazzling brilliancy of the apartment. As this was my first +appearance in the palace, the Countess, very considerately, proposed to +Sir H----T----, who conducted us, that we should walk through the other +public apartments, before we were ushered into the presence chamber--a +proposition the good-natured equerry very readily complied with. +Repassing, therefore, the whole length of the Chinese gallery, the +southern extremity communicates with the _Royal Banqueting Room_, sixty +feet in length, by forty-two in breadth: the walls are bounded at the +height of twenty-three feet by a cornice, apparently inlaid with pearls +and gold, from which spring four ecliptic arches, supported by golden +columns, surmounted with a dome, rising to a height of forty-five feet, +and constructed to represent an eastern sky; beneath which is seen +spreading the broad umbrageous foliage of the luxuriant plantain, +bearing its fruit and displaying, in all the progressive stages, +~296~~the different varieties, from the early blossom to maturity: +curious Chinese symbols are suspended from the trunk, and connect +themselves with a grand lustre, rising to a height of thirty feet, and +reflecting the most varied and magical effect, being multiplied by other +lustres, in the several angles adjoining. The walls are decorated with +groups of figures, nearly the size of life, portraying the costume +of the higher classes of the Chinese; domestic episodes, painted on a +ground of imitative pearl, richly wrought, in all the varied designs +of Chinese mythology. The furniture is of the most costly +description--rose-wood inlaid with mother-of-pearl, and enriched with +_or molu_ chasings of the most elegant design; the effect of which is +admirably contrasted with the rich glossy jars of blue porcelain, of +English manufacture, and magnificent brilliancy. Centrally, between +these magnificent apartments, is the Rotunda or Saloon; an oblong +interior of fifty-five feet in length, the decoration chaste and +classical in the extreme, being simply white and gold, the enriched +cornice being supported by columns and pilasters, and the whole +decoration uniting coolness with simplicity. The passages to some of +the minor apartments are unique in their style of embellishment, which +appears to be of polished white marble, but is, in fact, nothing but a +superior Dutch tile, cemented smoothly, in plaster of Paris, and highly +varnished. There are many other private and anterooms to the west of +the Chinese gallery, the decorations of which are more simple, but in +a corresponding style. We had now arrived at the _Yellow Room (see +Plate_), where we understood his Majesty would receive his evening +party. + +[Illustration: page296] + +The apartment is fifty-six feet in length, by twenty in breadth, and is +hung round with a rich fluted drapery of yellow satin, suspended from +the ceiling, and representing a magnificent Chinese tent, from the +centre of which hangs a chandelier of ~237~~the most splendid design, +the light of which is diffused through painted glasses, resembling +in shape and colour every variety of the tulip, exciting the greatest +admiration. The chimney-piece is Chinese, the stove formed by _chimera_ +chased in _or molu_, the figures above being models or automatons, +of nearly the size of life, dressed in splendid costume, occasionally +moving their heads and arms. The furniture of the room is of a similar +character to those already described, except the seats, which are +ottomans of yellow velvet, the window draperies being of the same +splendid material. It was in this truly royal apartment we had the +honour of waiting the approach of his Majesty, who entered, at about a +quarter before ten, apparently in the enjoyment of the most excellent +health and highest spirits. He was preceded by Sir A. F. Barnard and +Lord Francis Conyngham, the grooms in waiting, and entered with the +Princess Augusta leaning on his arm, the left of her royal highness +being supported by the Duke of York; the Marquis of Conyngham followed, +leading in his Marchioness; and the beautiful and accomplished Lady +Elizabeth honoured Sir William Knighton as her conductor. The old Earl +of Arran came hobbling on his crutches, dreadfully afflicted with +the gout. Sir C. Paget, that merry son of Neptune, with Sir E. Nagle, +followed; the rear being brought up by the fascinating Countess of +Warwick and her ever constant earl. _(See Plate.)_ Do not imagine, my +dear Bernard, that I shall so far outrage the honourable feelings of a +gentleman as to relate every word, look, or action, of this illustrious +party, for the rude ear of eager curiosity. Those only who have +witnessed the Monarch in private life, freed from the weight of state +affairs, and necessary regal accompaniments, can form a correct judgment +of the unaffected goodness of his heart; the easy affability, and pliant +condescension, with which he can divest ~298~~every one around him of +any feeling of restraint--the uncommon sprightliness and vivacity he +displays in conversation--the life and soul of all that is elegant and +classical, and the willing participator and promoter of a good joke. +Suffice it to say, the reception was flattering in the extreme, the +entertainment conversational and highly intellectual. The moments flew +so quickly, that I could have wished the hour of eleven, the period of +the King's retiring, had been extended to the noontide of the morrow. +But is this all, I think I can hear you say, this friend of my heart +dares to repose with me on a subject so agreeable? No--you shall have a +few _on dits_, but nothing touching on the scandalous; gleanings, from +Sir E---- and Sir C----, the jesters of our sovereign lord the King; but +nothing that might excite a blush in the cheek of the lovely Countess, +to whom I was indebted for the honour and delight I on that occasion +experienced. Imprimis:--I know you are intimate with that inimitable +child of whim, Charles Mathews. He is in high estimation with royalty, +I assure you; and annually receives the King's command to deliver a +selection from his popular entertainments before him--an amusement of +which his Majesty speaks in terms of the warmest admiration. On the last +occasion, a little _scena_ occurred that must have been highly amusing; +as it displays at once the kind recollections of the King, and his +amiable disposition. As I had it from Sir C----, you may depend upon +its authenticity. I shall denominate it the King at Home, or Mathews in +Carlton Palace. _(See Plate.)_ + +[Illustration: page298] + +Previous to Mathews leaving this country for America, he exhibited a +selection from his popular entertainments, by command of his Majesty, +at Carlton Palace.--A party of not more than six or eight persons +were present, including the Princess Augusta and the Marchioness of +Conyngham. During ~299~~the entertainment (with which the King appeared +much delighted), Mathews introduced his imitations of various performers +on the British stage, and was proceeding with John Kemble in the +Stranger, when he was interrupted by the King, who, in the most affable +manner, observed that his general imitations were excellent, and such as +no one who had ever seen the characters could fail to recognise; but +he thought the comedian's portrait of John Kemble somewhat too +boisterous.--"He is an old friend, and I might add, tutor of mine," +observed his Majesty: "when I was Prince of Wales he often favoured me +with his company. I will give you an imitation of John Kemble," said +the good-humoured monarch. Mathews was electrified. The lords of the +bed-chamber eyed each other with surprise. The King rose and prefaced +his imitations by observing, "I once requested John Kemble to take a +pinch of snuff with me, and for this purpose placed my box on the table +before him, saying 'Kemble, oblige (obleege) me by taking a pinch of +snuff' He took a pinch, and then addressed me thus:--(Here his Majesty +assumed the peculiar carriage of Mr. Kemble.) 'I thank your Royal +Highness for your snuff, but, in future, do extend your royal jaws a +little wider, and say Oblige.'" The anecdote was given with the most +powerful similitude to the actor's voice and manners, and had an +astonishing effect on the party present. It is a circumstance equally +worthy of the King and the scholar. Mathews, at the conclusion, +requested permission to offer an original anecdote of Kemble, which +had some affinity to the foregoing. Kemble had been for many years the +intimate friend of the Earl of Aberdeen. On one occasion he had called +on that nobleman during his morning's ride, and left Mrs. Kemble in the +carriage at the door. John and the noble earl were closely engaged +on some literary subject a very long time, while Mrs. Kemble was +~300~~shivering in the carriage (it being very cold weather). At length +her patience being exhausted, she directed her servant to inform his +master that she was waiting, and feared the cold weather would bring +on an attack of the rheumatism. The fellow proceeded to the door of the +earl's study, and delivered his message, leaving out the final letter in +rheumatism.--This he had repeated three several times, by direction +of his mistress, before he could obtain an answer. At length, Kemble, +roused from his subject by the importunities of the servant, replied, +somewhat petulantly, "Tell your mistress I shall not come, and, fellow, +do you in future say '_tism_." + +Among the party assembled on this occasion was the favoured son of +Esculapius, Sir W---- K----, the secret of whose elevation to the +highest confidence of royalty is one of those mysteries of the age which +it is in vain to attempt to unravel, and which, perhaps, cannot be known +to more than two persons in existence: great and irresistible, however, +must that influence be, whether moral or physical, which could obtain +such dominion over the mind as to throw into the shade the claims of +rank and courtly _lions_, and place an humble disciple of Esculapius on +the very summit of royal favour. Of his gentlemanly and amusing talents +in society every one must speak in terms of the highest praise, and +equally flattering are the reports of his medical skill; but many are +the fleeting causes and conjectures assigned for his supremacy--reports +which may not be written here, lest I assist in the courtly prattle of +misrepresentation. Sir W---- was, I believe, the executor of an old +and highly-favoured confidential secretary; might not _certain +circumstances_ arising out of that trust have paved the way to his +elevation? If the intense merits of the individual have raised him to +the dazzling ~301~~height, the world cannot value them too highly, and +sufficiently extol the discrimination of the first sovereign and first +gentleman of the age who could discover and reward desert with such +distinguished honour. But if his elevation is the result of any +sacrifice of principle, or of any courtly intrigue to remove a once +equally fortunate rival, and pave his path with gold, there are few who +would envy the favoured minion: against such suspicion, however, we have +the evidence of a life of honour, and the general estimation of society. +Of his predecessor, and the causes for his removal, I have heard some +curious anecdotes, but these you shall have when we meet. A very good +story is in circulation here among the court circle relative to the +eccentric Lady C---- L----, and a young marchioness, who, spite of the +remonstrances of her friends and the general good taste of the ladies +in that particular, recently selected an old man for a husband, in +preference to a choice of at least twenty young and titled, dashing +_roues_: the whim and caprice of the former is notorious, while the life +and animation of the little marchioness renders her the brightest +star of attraction in the hemisphere of fashion. "I should like to see +Billingsgate, amazingly," said the marchioness to her eccentric +friend, while reading a humorous article on the subject in the Morning +Chronicle. "It must be entertaining to hear the peculiar phraseology and +observe the humorous vulgarities of these _naiades_, if one could do so +_incog_." "And why not, my dear?" said Lady C----; "you know there never +was a female Quixote in existence among the petticoat blue-stockings, +from Lady Wortley Montague to Lady Morgan, who was more deeply affected +with the Tom and Jerry _mania_ than I am: leave all to me, and I'll +answer for taking you there safely, enjoying the scene securely, and +escaping without chance of detection." With Lady ~302~~C---- a whim of +this description is by no means unusual, and the necessary attendance of +a confidential servant to protect, in case of danger, a very essential +personage. To this Mercury, Lady C---- confided her plan; giving +directions for the completion of it on the morning of the morrow, and +instructing him to obtain disguises from his wife, who is an upper +servant in the family, for the use of the ladies. John, although +perfectly free from any alarm on account of Lady C----, should the whim +become known, was not so easy in respect to the young and attractive +marchioness, whose consort, should any thing unpleasant occur, John +wisely calculated, might interfere to remove him from his situation. +With this resolve he prudently communicated the ladies' intention to a +confidential friend of the marquis, who, on receiving an intimation +of their intentions, laughed at the whim, and determined to humour the +joke, by attending the place, properly disguised, to watch at a distance +the frolic of the ladies. The next morning, at the appointed hour, the +footman brought a hackney-coach to the door, and the ladies were quickly +conveyed to the scene of action, followed (unknowingly) by the marquis +and his friend. Here they amused themselves for some time in walking +about and observing the bustle and variety of the, to them, very +novel scene; soon, however, fatigued with the mobbing, thrusting, and +filthiness, which is characteristic of the place, the marchioness was +for returning, remarking to her friend that she had as yet heard none +of that singular broad humour for which these nymphs of the fish-market +were so celebrated. "Then you shall have a specimen directly," said Lady +C----, "if I can provoke it; only prepare your ethics and your ears for +a slight shock; "and immediately approaching an old fresh-water dragon, +who sat behind an adjoining stall, with a countenance spirited in the +~303~~extreme, and glowing with all the beautiful varieties of the +ultra-marine and vermilion, produced by the all-potent properties of +Hodge's full-proof, she proceeded to cheapen the head and shoulders of a +fine fish that lay in front of her, forcing her fingers under the gills, +according to the approved custom of good housewives, to ascertain if it +was fresh. + +[Illustration: page303] + +After a parley as to price, Lady C---- hinted that she doubted its being +perfectly sweet: the very suspicion of vending an unsavoury article +roused the old she-dragon at once into one of the most terrific passions +imaginable, and directing all her ire against the ladies, she poured +forth a volley of abuse fiery and appalling as the lava of a volcano, +which concluded as follows.--"Not sweet, you ----," said the offended +deity; "how can I answer for its sweetness, when you have been tickling +his gills with your stinking paws 1 " _(See Plate.)_ The marchioness +retreated at the first burst of the storm, but Lady C----continued to +provoke the old naiad of the shambles, till she had fully satisfied her +humour. Again safely escorted home by the liveried Mercury, the ladies +thought to have enjoyed their joke in perfect security; but what was +their astonishment, when on meeting the marquis and a select party at +dinner, to find the identical fish served up at their own table, and the +marquis amusing his friends by relating the whole circumstances of +the frolic, as having occurred to two ladies of distinction during the +laughter-loving days of Charles the Second. I need not animadvert upon +the peculiar situation of the ladies, who, blushing through a crimson +veil of the deepest hue, bore the raillery of the party assembled with +as much good sense as good nature; acknowledging the frolic, and joining +in the laugh the joke produced. Beneath, you have one of our facetious +friend Bob Transit's humorous sketches of an incident said to have +occurred near B---- H----: in which an eccentric ~304~~lady chose to +call up the servants in the dead of the night, order out the carriage, +and mounting the box herself, insisted upon giving the footman, who had +been somewhat tardy in leaving his bed, a gentle airing in his shirt. + +[Illustration: page304] + + + + +CHARACTERS ON THE BEACH AND STEYNE, BRIGHTON. + + _On Bathing and Bathers--Advantages of Shampooing--French + Decency--Brighton Politeness--Sketches of Character--The + Banker's Widow--Miss Jefferies--Mrs. F----l--Peter + Paragraph, the London Correspondent--Jack Smith--The + French Consul--Paphian Divinities--C---- L----, Esq.-- + Squeeze into the Libraries--The new Plunging Bath--Chain + Pier--Cockney Comicalities--Royal Gardens--The Club House._ + +~305~~The next morning early I proceeded to the beach to enjoy the +delightful and invigorating pleasure of sea-bathing. The clean pebble +shore extending, as it does here, for a long distance beneath the east +cliff, is a great advantage to those who, from indisposition or luxury, +seek a dip in the ocean. One practice struck me as being a little +objectionable, namely, the machines of the males and females being +placed not only within sight of each other, but actually close +alongside; by which circumstance, the sportive nymphs sometimes display +more of nature's charms to the eager gaze of her wanton sons than befits +me to tell, or decency to dwell on. I could not, however, with all the +purity of my ethics, help envying a robust fellow who was assisting in +clucking the dear unencumbered creatures under the rising wave.{1} + + 1 Some of the female bathers are very adventurous, and from + the great drawback of water many accidents have occurred. + I was much amused one morning with three sisters, in the + machine adjoining mine, continually crying out to a male + attendant "to push on, and not be afraid of the + consequences; we can all swim well," said one of the Miss + B----'s (well known as the _marine graces_). "But my machine + a'n't water-tight," replied the bathing-man, "and if I + trust it any farther in, I shall never be able to get it out + again." A Frenchman who came down to bathe with his wife and + sister insisted upon using the same machine with the ladies; + the bathing-women remonstrated, but _monsieur_ retorted very + fairly thus--"_Mon dieu I vat is dat vat you tell me about + decence. Tromperie_--shall I no dip _mon femme a sour_ + myself vith quite as much _bienseance_ as dat vulgar brute + vat I see ducking de ladies yondere?" + +~306~~The naiads of the deep are a strange race of mortals, half fish +and half human, with a masculine coarseness of manner that, I am +told, has been faithfully copied from their great original, the once +celebrated Martha Gun. It is not unusual for these women to continue in +the water up to their waists for four hours at a time, without suffering +the least affection of cold or rheumatism, and living to a great age. +A dingy empiric has invented a new system of _humbug_ which is in great +repute here, and is called _shampooing_; a sort of stewing alive +by steam, sweetened by being forced through odoriferous herbs, and +undergoing the pleasant sensation of being dabbed all the while with +pads of flannels through holes in the wet blankets that surround you, +until the cartilaginous substances of your joints are made as pliable +as the ligaments of boiled calves' feet, your whole system relaxed and +unnerved, and your trembling legs as useless in supporting your body as +a pair of boots would be without the usual quantity of flesh and bone +within them. The Steyne affords excellent subject for the study of +character, and the pencil of the humorist; the walks round are paved +with brick, which, when the thermometer is something above eighty-six +in the shade (the case just now), is very like pacing your parched +feet over the pantiles of a Turkish stove. There is, indeed, a +~307~~grass-plot within the rails, but the luxury of walking upon it +is reserved for the fishermen of the place exclusively, except on some +extraordinary occasion, when the whole rabble of the town are let loose +to annoy the visitants by puffing tobacco smoke in their faces, or +jostling and insulting them with coarse ribaldry, until the genteel and +decent are compelled to quit the promenade. I have had two or three such +specimens of Brighton manners while staying here, and could only wish I +had the assistance of about twenty of the _Oxford_togati_, Trinitarians, +or Bachelors of Brazennose. I think we should hit upon some expedient to +tame these brutes, and teach them civilized conduct--an Herculean labour +which the town authorities seem afraid to attempt. The easy distance +between this and the metropolis, with the great advantages of +expeditious travelling, enable the multitudinous population of London +to pour forth its motley groups, in greater variety than at any other +watering place, Margate excepted, with, however, this difference in +favour of the former, that the mixture had more of the sprinkling of +fashion about them, here and there a name of note, a splendid equipage, +or a dazzling star, to illumine the dull nomenclatures in the library +books of the Johnson's, the Thomson's, the Brown's, and the Levi's. The +last-mentioned fraternity congregate here in shoals, usurp all the best +lodgings, at the windows of which they are to be seen soliciting notice, +with their hooked noses, copper countenances, and inquisitive eyes, +decked out in all the faded finery of Petticoat-lane, or Bevis Marks; +while the heads of the houses of Israel run down on a Saturday, after +the Stock Exchange closes, and often do as much business here on the +Sabbath, in gambling speculations for the _account day_, as they have +done all the week before in London. Here, too, you have the felicity +to meet your tailor in his tandem, your ~308~~butcher on his _trotter_, +your shoemaker in a _fly_, and your wine-merchant with his bit of +blood, his girl, and tilbury, making a greater splash than yourself, and +pleasantly pointing you out to observation as a long-winded one, a great +gambler, or some other such gratuitous return for your ill-bestowed +patronage. To amalgamate with such _canaille_ is impossible--you are +therefore driven into seclusion, or compelled to confine your visits +and amusements to nearly the same circle you have just left London to be +relieved from. Among the "observed" of the present time, the great star +of attraction is the rich Banker's widow, who occupies the corner house +of the Grand Parade, eclipsing in splendid equipages and attendants an +Eastern nabob, or royalty itself. Good fortune threw old Crony in my +way, just as I had caught a glimpse of the widow's cap: you know his dry +sarcastic humour and tenacious memory, and perhaps I ought to add, my +inquisitive disposition. From him I gleaned a sketch of the widow's +history, adorned with a few comments, which gallantry to the fair sex +will not allow me to repeat. She had just joined conversation with +the Marquis of H----, who was attended by Jackson, the pugilist; an +illustrious personage and a noble earl were on her left; while behind +the _jolie_ dame, at a respectful distance, paced two liveried emblems +of her deceased husband's bounty, clad in the sad habiliments of woe, +and looking as merry as mutes at a rich man's funeral. _(See Plate.) + +[Illustration: page308] + +"She has the reputation of being very charitable," said I. "She has," +responded Crony; "but the total neglect of poor Wewitzer, in the hour +of penury and sickness, is no proof of her feeling, much less of her +generosity. I have known her long," continued Crony, "from her earliest +days of obscurity and indigence to these of unexampled prosperity, and +I never could agree with common report in that particular." I dare say +I looked at this moment very ~309~~significantly; for Crony, without +waiting my request, continued his history. "Her father was the gay and +dissolute Jack Kinnear, well known in Dublin for his eccentricities +about the time of the Rebellion, in which affair he made himself so +conspicuous that he was compelled to expatriate, and fled to England by +way of Liverpool; where his means soon failing, Jack, never at a +loss, took up the profession of an actor, and succeeded admirably. His +animated style and attractive person are still spoken of with delight +by many of the old inhabitants of Carlisle, Rochdale, Kendal, and the +neighbouring towns of Lancashire, where he first made his appearance in +an itinerant company, then under the management of a man of the name +of Bibby, and in whose house, under very peculiar circumstances, our +heroine was born; but + + 'Merit and worth from no condition rise; + Act well your part--there all the honour lies.' + +~309~~That little Harriet was a child of much promise there is no doubt, +playing, in her mother's name, at a very early period, all the juvenile +parts in Bibby's company with great _eclat_ until she attained the age +of eighteen, when her abilities procured her a situation to fill the +first parts in genteel comedy in the theatres-royal Manchester and +Liverpool. From this time her fame increased rapidly, which was not +a little enhanced by her attractive person, and consequent number of +admirers; for even among the cotton lords of Manchester a fine-grown, +raven-locked, black-eyed brunette, arch, playful, and clever, could not +fail to create sensations of desire: but at this time the affections +of the lady were fixed on a son of Thespis, then a member of the same +company, and to whom she was shortly afterwards betrothed; but the +marriage, from some capricious cause or other, was never consummated: +the actor, well-known as Scotch Grant, is now much reduced in life, and +a member of ~310~~one of the minor companies of the metropolis. On her +quitting Liverpool, in 1794, she played at the Stafford theatre during +the election contest, where, having the good-fortune to form an intimacy +with the Hortons, a highly-respectable family then resident there, +and great friends of Sheridan, they succeeded, on the return of that +gentleman to parliament for the borough of Stafford, to obtain from him +an engagement for our heroine at the theatre-royal Drury Lane, of which +he was at that time proprietor. 'Brevity is the soul of wit,'" said +Crony: "I shall not attempt to enumerate all the parts she played there; +suffice it to say, she was successful, and became a great favourite with +the public. It was here she first attracted the notice of the rich old +banker, who having just discarded another actress, Mrs. M----r, whom +he had kept some time, on account of an intimacy he discovered with +the lady and P----e, the oboe player, he made certain propositions, +accompanied with such liberal presents, that the fair yielded to the +all-powerful influence, not of love, but gold; and having, through the +interference of poor W----, secured to herself a settlement which +made her independent for life, threw out the well-planned story of the +lottery ticket, as a 'tub to the whale': a stratagem that, for some +time, succeeded admirably, until a malicious wag belonging to the +company undertook to solve the riddle of her prosperity, by pretending +to bet a wager of one hundred, that the lady had actually gained twenty +thousand pounds by the lottery, and he would name the ticket: with this +excuse, for what otherwise might have been deemed impertinent, he put +the question, and out of the reply developed the whole affair. All +London now rung with the splendour of her equipage, the extent of her +charities, and the liberality of her conduct to an old actor and a young +female friend, Miss S----n, who was invariably seen with ~311~~her in +public. Such was the notoriety of the intimacy, that the three +married daughters of the banker, all persons of title and the highest +respectability, thought it right to question their father, relative to +the truth of the reports in circulation. Whatever might have been their +apprehensions, their fears were quieted by the information, that the +lady in question was a natural daughter, born previous to the alliance +to which they owed their birth: this assurance not only induced the +parties to admit her to their presence, but she was also introduced +to, and became intimate with, the wife of the man to whom she owes her +present good fortune. It was now, that, feeling herself secure, she +displayed that capricious feeling which has since marked her character: +poor W----r, her mentor and defender, was on some mere pretence +abandoned, and a sturdy blustering fellow, in the same profession, +substituted for the sincere adviser, the witty and agreeable companion: +it was to R----d she sent a present of one thousand pounds, for a single +ticket, on his benefit night. But her ambition had not yet attained its +highest point: the banker's wife died, and our fortunate heroine was +elected to her place while yet the clay-cold corse of her predecessor +remained above ground; a circumstance, which brought down a heavy +calamity on the clerical who performed the marriage rites,{2} but +which was remedied by an annuity from the banker. From this period, the +haughty bearing of the lady exceeded all bounds; the splendour of her +establishment, the extravagance of her parties, and the munificence of +her charities, trumpeted forth by that many-tongued oracle, the public +press, eclipsed the brilliancy of the + + 2 Saturnine B----n, the author of 'the stage,' a Poem, on + hearing the day after her marriage with the banker, a + conversation relative to her age, said he was sure the + party were all in error, as there could be no doubt the lady + was on the previous night _under age_. + +~312~~royal banquets, and outshone the greatest and wealthiest of the +stars of fashion. About this time, her hitherto inseparable companion +made a slip with a certain amorous manager; and such was the indignation +of our moral heroine on the discovery, that she spurned the unfortunate +from her for ever, and actually turned the offending spark out of doors +herself, accompanying the act with a very unladylike demonstration of +her vengeance. B----d, her most obsequious servant, died suddenly. +Poor Dr. J---- A----s, who gave up a highly respectable and increasing +practice, in Greek-street, Soho, as a physician, to attend, exclusively, +on the 'geud auld mon' and his rib, met such a return for his kindness +and attention, that he committed suicide. Her next friend, a Mr. G----n, +a very handsome young man, who was induced to quit his situation in the +bank for the office of private secretary, made a mistake one night, +and eloped with the female confidante of the banker's wife, a crime for +which the perpetrator could never hope to meet with forgiveness. It +is not a little singular," said Crony, "that almost all her intimate +acquaintances have, sooner or later, fallen into disrepute with their +patroness, and felt how weak is the reliance upon the capricious and the +wayward." On the death of the old banker, our heroine had so wheedled +the dotard, that he left her, to the surprise of the world, the whole of +his immense property, recommending only certain legacies, and leaving +an honourable and high-minded family dependent upon her bountiful +consideration. "I could relate some very extraordinary anecdotes arising +out of that circumstance," said Crony; "but you must be content with +one, farcical in the extreme, which fully displays the lady's affection +for her former profession, and shows she is a perfect mistress of stage +effect. On the removal of the shrivelled remains of the old dotard for +interment, his affectionate rib accompanied the ~313~~procession, and +when they rested for the night at an inn on the road, guarded them in +death as she had done in the close of life, by sleeping on a sofa in +the same room. Cruel, cruel separation! what a scene for the revival of +'grief a la mode!' "But she is unhappy with all her wealth," said the +cynic. "Careless as some portion of our nobility are in their choice +of companions for their sports or pleasures, they have yet too much +consideration left of what is due to their rank, their wives, and +daughters, not to hesitate before they receive----. But never mind," +said Crony; "you know the rest. You must have heard of a recent calamity +which threatened the lady; and on which that mad wag, John Bull, let fly +some cutting jokes. A very sagacious police magistrate, accompanied by +one of his _indefatigables_, went to _inspect the premises_, accompanied +by a gentleman of the faculty; but, after all their united efforts to +unravel the mystery, it turned out a mere _scratch_, a very flat affair. + +[Illustration: page313] + +~314~~"I think," said Crony, "we have now arrived at the ultimatum of +the widow's history, and may as well take a turn or two up the Steyne, +to look out for other character. The ancient female you perceive yonder, +leaning on her tall gold-headed cane, is Miss J----s, a maid of honour +to the late Queen Charlotte, and the particular friend of Mrs. F----l: +said to be the only one left out of eight persons, who accompanied +two celebrated personages, many years since, in a stolen matrimonial +speculation to Calais. + +She is as highly respected as her friend Mrs. F----l is beloved here." +"Who the deuce is that strange looking character yonder, enveloped in a +boat-cloak, and muffled up to the eyes with a black handkerchief?" +"That is a very important personage in a watering place, I assure you," +replied Crony; "being no other than the celebrated Peter Paragraph, the +London correspondent to the Morning Post, who involves, to use his +own phrase, the whole hemisphere of fashion in his mystifications and +reports: informs the readers of that paper how many rays of sunshine +have exhilarated the Brightonians during the week, furnishes a correct +journal of fogs, rains, storms, shipwrecks, and hazy mists; and, above +all, announces the arrivals and departures, mixing up royal and noble +fashionables and _kitchen stuff'_ in the same beautiful obscurity of +diction. Peter was formerly a _friseur_; but has long since quitted +the shaving and cutting profession for the more profitable calling +of collector of _on dits_ and _puffs extraordinaire_. The swaggering +broad-shouldered blade who follows near him, with a frontispiece like +the red lion, is the well-known radical, Jack S----h, now agent to the +French consul for this place, and the unsuccessful candidate for the +_independent_ borough of Shoreham." "A complete eccentric, by all my +hopes of pleasure! Crony, who are those two dashing divinities, who come +tripping along so lively yonder?" "Daughters of ~315~~pleasure," replied +the cynic; "a pair of justly celebrated paphians, west-end comets, who +have come here, no doubt, with the double view of profit and amusement. +The plump looking dame on the right, is Aug--ta C--ri, (otherwise lady +H----e); so called after the P--n--ss A----a, her godmamma. Her father, +old Ab--t, one of Q----n C----te's _original_ German pages, brought up +a large family in respectability, under the fostering protection of his +royal mistress. Aug----ta, at the early age of fifteen, eloped from St. +James's, on a matrimonial speculation with a young musician, Mr. An----y +C----, (himself a boy of 18)! From such a union what could be expected? +a mother at 16, and a neglected dishonoured wife, before she had counted +many years of womanhood. If she fell an unresisting victim to the +seduction which her youth, beauty, and musical talents attracted, '_her +stars were more to blame than she._' Let it be recorded, however, +that her conduct as wife and mother was free from reproach, until a +_depraved, unnatural_ man (who by the way has since fled the country) +set her the example of licentiousness. + +"Amongst her earliest admirers, was the wealthy citizen, Mr. S---- +M----, a bon vivant, a _five-bottle_ man (who has, not unaptly, been +since nominated a representative in p----l for one of the _cinque +ports_). + +To this witty man's generous care she is indebted for an annuity, which, +with common prudence, ought to secure her from want during her own life. +On her departure from this lover, which proceeded entirely from her own +caprice and restless extravagance, the vain Aug--ta launched at once +into all the dangerous pleasures of a cyprian life. The court, the city, +and the _'change_, paid homage to her charms. One high in the r----l +h----h----id wore her chains for many months; and it was probably more +in the spirit of revenge for open neglect, than admiration of such a +~316~~faded beau, that lady G---- B---- admitted the E---- of B----e to +usurp the husband's place and privilege. + +It is extraordinary that the circumstance just mentioned, which was +notorious, was not brought forward in mitigation of the damages for +the loss of conjugal joys; and which a jury of citizens, with a tender +feeling for their own honour, valued at ten thousand pounds. My lord +G---- B---- pocketed the injury and the ten thousand,; and his noble +substitute has since made the 'amende honorable' to public morals, by +uniting his destinies with an amiable woman, the daughter of a doctor of +music, and a beauty of the sister country, who does honour to the rank +to which she has been so unexpectedly elevated. + +"Mrs. C----i had no acquaintance of her own sex in the world of gaiety +but one; the beautiful, interesting, Mademoiselle St. M--g--te, then +(1812 and 1813) in the zenith of her charms. The gentle Ad--l--de, +whose sylph-like form, graceful movements, and highly polished manner, +delighted all who knew her, formed a strange and striking contrast to +the short, fat, bustling, salacious Aug--ta, whose boisterous bon-mots, +and horse-laughical bursts, astonished rather than charmed. Both, +however, found abundance of admirers to their several tastes. It was +early in the spring of 1814 that the subject of this article had +the good or evil fortune to attract the eye of a noble lord of some +notoriety, who pounced on his plump prey with more of the amorous +assurance of the bird of Jove than the cautious hoverings of the wary +H--ke. Love like his admitted of no delay. Preliminaries were soon +arranged, under the auspices of that experienced matron, Madame +D'E--v--e, whose address, in this delicate negotiation, extorted from +his lordship's generosity, besides a cheque on H----d and + +G--bbs for a cool hundred, the payment of 'brother Martin's' old score, +of long standing, for bed and board at Madame's house of business, +little St. Martin's-~317~~street. The public have been amused with the +ridiculous story of the mock marriage; but whatever were his faults +or follies, and he is since called to his account, his l--ds--p stands +guiltless of this. 'Tis true, her 'ladyship' asserted, nay, we believe, +swore as much; but she is known to possess such boundless imaginative +faculties, that her nearest and dearest friends have never yet been +able to detect her in the weakness of uttering a palpable truth. The +assumption of the name and title arose out of a circumstance so strange, +so ridiculous, and so unsavoury, that, with all our 'gusto' for fun, we +must omit it: suffice it to say, that it originated in--what?--gentle +reader--in a dose of physic!!! For further particulars, apply to Mrs. +C----l, of the C--s--le S--t--h--ll. After this strange event, which +imparted to her ladyship all the honours of the coronet, Mrs. C----i +was to be seen in the park, from day to day; the envy of every less +fortunate Dolly, and the horror of the few friends which folly left her +lordly dupe. In this state of doubtful felicity her ladyship rolled on +(for she almost lived in her carriage) for three years; when, alas! by +some cruel caprice of love, or some detected intrigue, or from the +holy scruples of his lordship's Reverend adviser, Padre Ambrosio, this +connexion was suddenly dissolved at Paris; when Mrs. C----, no longer +acknowledged as my lady, was at an hour's notice packed off in the Dilly +for Dover, and her jewels, in half the time, packed up in their casket +and despatched to Lafitte's, in order to raise the ways and means for +the peer and his ghostly confessor! + +"Her ladyship's next attempt at notoriety was her grand masked ball at +the Argyll rooms in 1818; an entertainment which, for elegant display +and superior arrangement, did great credit to her taste, or to that of +her broad-shouldered Milesian friend, to whom it is said the management +of the whole was committed. The expense of this act of folly has been +variously ~318~~estimated; and the honour of defraying it gratuitously +allotted to an illustrious commander, whose former weakness and +culpability has been amply redeemed by years of truly r----l benevolence +and public service. We can state, however, that neither the purse or +person of the royal D----contributed to the _eclat_ of the _fete_. An +amorous Hebrew city clerk, who had long '_looked and loved_' at humble +distance, taking advantage of his uncle's absence on the continent in +a _diamond hunting_ speculation, having left the immediate jewel of His +soul, his cash, at home, the enamoured youth seized the very 'nick o' +time,' furnished half the funds for the night, for half a morning's +conversation in Upper Y--street: her ladyship's indefatigable industry +furnished the other moiety in a couple of days. A Mr. Z--ch--y +contributed fifty, which coming to the ears of his sandy-haired lassie, +his own paid forfeit of his folly, to their almost total abstraction +from the thick head to which they project with asinine pride. Since this +splash in the whirlpool of fashionable folly, her 'ladyship,' for she +clings to the rank with all the tenacity of a fencible field officer, +has lived in comparative retirement near E--dg--e R--d, nursing a +bantling of the new era, and singing '_John Anderson my Joe_' to her now +'gude man;' only occasionally relapsing into former gaieties by a sly +trip to Box Hill or Virginia Water with the grandson of a barber, a +flush but gawky boy, who, forgetting that it is to the talents and +judicial virtues of his honoured sire he owes his elevation, rejects +that proud and wholesome example; and, by his arrogance and vanity, +excites pity for the father and contempt for the son. Her ladyship, who +by her own confession has been 'just nine and twenty' for the last +ten years, may still boast of her conquests. Her amour with the _yellow +dwarf_ of G--vs--r P--e is too good to be lost. They are followed by +one, who, time was, would have chased them round the Steyne ~319~~and +into cover with all the spirit of a true sportsman; but his days +of revelry are past,--that is the celebrated _roue_, C---- L----, a +'_trifle light as air,_' yet in nature's spite a very ultra in the +pursuit of gallantry. To record the number of frail fair ones to whose +charms he owned ephemeral homage would fill a volume. The wantons wife +whose vices sunk her from the drawing-room to the lobby; the{4} kitchen +wench, whose pretty face and lewd ambition raised her to it; the romance +bewildered{5} Miss, and the rude unlettered {6} villager, the hardened +drunken profligate, and the timid half-ruined victim (the almost +infant Jenny!) have all in turn tasted his bounty and his wine, have +each been honoured with a page in his trifles: of his caresses he wisely +was more chary. Which of the frail sisterhood has not had a ride in +G---- L----'s worn out in the service 1 and which in its day might be +said to roll mechanically from C----L----to C----s-s--t, with almost +instinctive precision. But his days of poesy and nights of folly are now +past! + +Honest C----has taken the hint from nature, and retired, at once, +from the republics of Venus and of letters. A kind, a generous, and a +susceptible heart like his must long ere this have found, in the arms +of an amiable wife, those unfading and honourable joys which, reflection +must convince him, were not to be extracted from those foul and polluted +sources from whence he sought and drew a short-lived pleasure." + +You know Crony's affection for a good dinner, and will not therefore be +surprised that I had the honour of his company this day; but i'faith +he deserved his reward for the cheerfulness and amusement with which he +contrived to kill time. + + 3 Lady B----e. + + 4 Mrs. H----y. + + 5 Louisa V----e. + + 6 Mrs. S--d--s. + + 7 Mrs. S--mm--ns. + +~320~~In the evening it was proposed to visit the libraries; but as +these places of public resort are not always eligible for the appearance +of a star, Crony and myself were despatched first to reconnoitre +and report to the Countess our opinions of the assembled group. The +association of society has perhaps undergone a greater change in +England within the last thirty years than any other of our peculiar +characteristics; at least, I should guess so from Crony's descriptions +of the persons who formerly honoured the libraries with their presence; +but whose names (if they now condescend to subscribe) are entered in +a separate book, that they may not be defiled by appearing in the same +column with the plebeian host of the three nations who form the united +family of Great Britain. "Ay, sir," said Crony, with a sigh that bespoke +the bitterness of reflection, "I remember when this spot (Luccombe's +library) was the resort of all the beauty and brilliancy that once +illumined the hemisphere of Calton palace,--the satellites of the +heir apparent, the brave, the witty, and the gay,--the soul-inspiring, +mirthful band, whose talents gave a splendid lustre to the orb of +royalty, far surpassing the most costly jewel in his princely coronet. +But they are gone, struck to the earth by the desolating hand of the +avenger Death, and have left no traces of their genius upon the minds of +their successors." + +Of the motley assemblage which now surrounds us it would be difficult +to attempt a picture. The pencil of a Cruikshank or a Rowlandson might +indeed convey some idea; but all weaker hands would find the subject +overpowering. A mob of manufacturers, melting hot, elbowing one +another into ill-humour, by their anxiety to teach their offspring the +fashionable vice of gaming; giving the pretty innocents a taste for +_loo_, which generally ends in _loo_-sening what little purity of +principle the prejudice of education has left upon their intellect. +In our more fashionable _hells_, wine and choice _liqueurs_ are the +stimulants ~321~~to vice; here, the seduction consists in the strumming +of an ill-toned piano, to the squeaking of some poor discordant whom +poverty compels to public exposure; and who, generally being of the +softer sex, pity protects from the severity of critical remark. I need +not say our report to the Dalmaines was unfavourable; and the divine +little countess, frustrated in her intentions of honouring the libraries +with her presence, determined upon promenading up the West Cliff, +attended by old Crony and myself. The bright-eyed goddess of the night +emitted a ray of more than usual brilliancy, and o'er the blue waters of +the deep spread forth a silvery and refulgent lustre, that lent a charm +of magical inspiration to the rippling waves. For what of nature's +mighty works can more delight, than + + '----Circling ocean, when the swell + By zephyrs borne from off the main, + Heaves to the breeze, and sinks again?' + +The deep murmuring of the hollow surge as it rolls over the pebble +beach, the fresh current of saline air that braces and invigorates, and +the uninterrupted view of the watery expanse, are attractions of delight +and contemplation which are nowhere to be enjoyed in greater perfection +than at Brighton. The serenity of the evening induced us to pass the +barrier of the chain-pier, and bend our steps towards the projecting +extremity of that ingenious structure. An old Welsh harper was touching +his instrument with more than usual skill for an itinerant professor, +while the plaintive notes of the air he tuned accorded with the +solemnity of the surrounding scene. "I could pass an evening here," +said the countess, in a somewhat contemplative mood, "in the society of +kindred spirits, with more delightful gratification than among the giddy +throng who meet at Almack's." Crony bowed to the ground, overpowered by +the ~322~~compliment; while your humble servant, less obsequious, +but equally conscious of the flattering honour, advanced my left foot +sideways, drew up my right longitudinally, and touched my beaver with a +_congee_, that convinced me I had not forgotten the early instructions +of our old Eton posture-master, the all-accomplished Signor Angelo. "A +__wery hextonishing vurk, this here pier," said a fat, little squab of +a citizen, sideling up to Crony like a full-grown porpoise; "_wery +hexpensive_, and _wery huseless, I thinks_" continued the intruder. +Crony reared his crest in silent indignation, while his visage betokened +an approaching storm; but a significant look from the countess gave him +the hint that some amusement might be derived from the _animal_; who, +without understanding the contempt he excited, proceeded--"_Vun_ of the +new _bubble_ companies' _specks, I supposes, vat old daddy Boreas vill +blow avay sum night in a hurrikin_. It puts me _wery_ much in mind of +a two bottle man." "Why so?" said Crony. "Bekause it's only half seas +_hover_." This little civic _jeu d'esprit_ made his peace with us by +producing a hearty laugh, in which he did not fail to join in unison. +"But are you aware of the usefulness and national importance of the +projector's plans? said Crony. "Not I," responded the citizen: "I hates +all projections of breweries, bridges, buildings, and boring companies, +from the Golden-lane speck to the Vaterloo; from thence up to the new +street, and down to the tunnel under the Thames, vich my banker, Sir +William Curtis, says, is the greatest bore in London." "But humanity, +sir," said Crony, "has, I hope, some influence with you; and this +undertaking is intended not only for the healthful pleasure of the +Brighton visitors, but for the convenience of vessels in distress, and +the landing of passengers in bad weather." "Ay, there it is,--that's +hexactly vat I thought; to help our rich people more easily out of +~323~~the country, and bring a set of poor half-starved foreigners in: +vy, I'm told it's to be carried right across the channel in time, and +then the few good ones ve have left vill be marching off to the enemy." +This conceit amused the countess exceedingly, and was followed by many +other equally strange expressions and conjectures; among which, Crony +contrived to persuade him that great amusement was to be derived in +bobbing for mackerel and turbot with the line: a pleasure combining so +much of profit in expectancy that the old citizen was, at last, induced +to admit the utility of the chain-pier. + +Retracing our steps towards the Steyne, we had one more good laugh at +our companion's credulity, who expressed great anxiety to know what the +huge wheel was intended for, which is at the corner by the barrier, and +throws up water for the use of the town; but which, Crony very promptly +assured him, was the grand action of the improved roasting apparatus +at the York hotel. We now bade farewell to our amusing companion, and +proceeded to view the new plunging bath at the bottom of East-street, +built in the form of an amphitheatre, and surrounded by dressing-rooms, +with a fountain in the centre, from which a continued supply of +salt-water is obtained. The advantages may be great in bad weather; but +to my mind there is nothing like the open sea, particularly as confined +water is always additionally cold. On our arrival at home, a parcel from +London brought the enclosed from Tom Echo, upon whom the sentence of +rustication has, I fear, been productive of fresh follies. + +[Illustration: page323] + +Dear Heartily, + +Having cut college for a _bolt_ to the _village_,{8} I expected to +have found you in the _bay of condolence_,{9} but hear you left your +_moorings_ lately + + 8 London, so called at Oxford. + + 9 The consolation afforded by friends when _plucked_ or + rusticated. + +~324~~to _waste the ready_ among the _sharks_ at Brighton. Though not +quite at _point nonplus_, I am very near the _united kingdoms_ of _Sans +Souci and Sans Sixsous_,{10} and shall bring to, and wait for company, +in the province of Bacchus. I have only just quitted _AEager Haven_, and +been very near the _Wall_{11}; have sustained another dreadful fire from +_Convocation Castle,_{12} which had nigh shattered my _fore-lights_, +and was very near being _blown up_ in attempting to pass the _Long +Hope_.{13} If you wish to save an old Etonian from _east jeopardy_,{14} +set sail directly, and tow me out of the _river Tick_ into the _region +of rejoicing_; then will we get _bosky_ together, sing old songs, tell +merry tales, and _spree_ and _sport_ on the _states of Independency_. + +Yours truly, + +The _Oxford rustic_, + +London. + +TOM ECHO. + +P. S. I should not have cut so suddenly, but joined Bob Transit and +Eglantine in giving two of the old big wigs a flying leap t'other +evening, as they left Christ Church Hall, in return for rusticating +me:--to escape suspicion, broke away by the mail. I know your affection +for a good joke, so induced Bob to book it, and let me have the sketch, +which I here enclose. + + 10 Riddance of cares, and, ultimately, of sixpences. + + 11 The depot of invalids; Dr. Wall being a celebrated + surgeon, whose skill is proverbial in the cure of the + Headington or Bagley fever. For a view of poor Tom during + his suffering--_(see plate by Bob Transit.)_ + + 12 The House of Convocation in Oxford, when the twenty-five + heads of Colleges and the masters meet to transact and + investigate university affairs. + + 13 The symbol of long expectation in studying for a degree. + + 14 Terrors of anticipation. The remaining phrases have all + been explained in an earlier part of the Work. + +~325~~ + +[Illustration: page325] + +Mad as the D'Almaine's must think me for obeying such a summons, I have +just bade them adieu, and am off to-morrow, by the earliest coach, +for London. The only place I have omitted to notice, in my sketches +of Brighton, is the Club House on the Steyne Parade, where a few _old +rooks_ congregate, to keep a sharp look-out for an unsuspecting _green +one_, or a wealthy _pigeon_, who, if once _netted_, seldom succeeds in +quitting the trap without being plucked of a few of his feathers. The +greatest improvement to a place barren of foliage and the agreeable +retirement of overshadowed walks, is the Royal Gardens, on the level at +the extremity of the town, in a line with the Steyne enclosures as +you enter from the London road. The taste, variety, and accommodation +displayed in this elegant place of amusement, renders it certainly the +most attractive of public gardens, while the arrangements are calculated +to gratify all ~326~~classes of society without the danger of too +crowded an assemblage. Let us see you when term ends; and in the interim +expect a long account of sprees and sports in the village. + +Horatio Heartly. + +[Illustration: page326] + + + + +METROPOLITAN SKETCHES. + + _Heartly, Echo, and Transit start for a Spree--Scenes by + Daylight, Starlight, and Gaslight--Black Mon-day at + Tattersall's--The first Meeting after the Great St. Leger-- + Heroes of the Turf paying and receiving--Dinner at + Fishmongers' Hall--Com-mittee of Greeks--The Affair of the + Cogged Dice--A regular Break-down--Rules for the New Club-- + The Daffy Club, or a musical Muster of the Fancy: striking + Portraits--Counting the Stars--Covent Garden, what it was, + and what it is--The Finish--Anecdotes of Characters--The + Hall of Infamy, alias the Covent Garden Hell._ + +Of all the scenes where rich and varied character is to be found in the +metropolis and its environs, none can exceed that emporium for sharps +and flats, famed Tattersall's, whether for buying a good horse, betting +a round sum, or, in the sporting phrase, learning how to make the best +of every thing. "Shall we take a _tooddle_ up to Hyde-park corner?" +said Echo; "this is the settling day for all bets made upon the great +Doncaster St. Leger, when the _swells book up_, and the knowing ones +_draw_ their _bussel_:--_Black_ Monday, as Sir John Lade terms it, +when the event has not come off right." "A noble opportunity," replied +Transit, "for a picture of turf curiosities. Come, Heartly, throw +philosophy aside, and let us set forth for a day's enjoyment, and then +to finish with a night of frolic. An occasional spree is as necessary to +the relaxation of the mind, as exercise is to ~328~~ensure health. The +true secret to make life pleasant, and study profitable, is to be able +to throw off our cares as we do our morning gowns, and, when we sally +forth to the world, derive fresh spirit, vigour, and information from +cheerful companions, good air, and new objects. High 'Change among +the heroes of the turf presents ample food for the humorist; while +the strange contrast of character and countenance affords the man of, +feeling and discernment subject for amusement and future contemplation." +It was in the midst of one of the most numerous meetings ever remembered +at Tattersall's, when Barefoot won the race, contrary to the general +expectation of the knowing ones, that we made our _entre_. With Echo +every sporting character was better known than his college tutor, and +not a few kept an eye upon the boy, with hopes, no doubt, of hereafter +benefiting by his inexperience, when, having got the whip-hand of his +juvenile restrictions, he starts forth to the world a man of fashion +and consequence, with an unencumbered property of fifteen thousand per +annum, besides expectancies. "Here's a game of chess for you, Transit," +said Echo; "why, every move upon the board is a character, and not +one but what is worth booking. Observe the arch slyness of the jockey +yonder, ear-wigging his patron, a young blood of the fancy, into a +_good thing_; particularising all the capabilities and qualities of the +different horses named, and making the event (in his own estimation) +as _sure as the Bank of England_:--how finely contrasted with the easy +indifference of the dignified sportsman near him, who leaves all to +chance, spite of the significant nods and winks from a regular _artiste_ +near him, who never suffers him to make a bet out of the ring, if it +is possible to prevent him, by throwing in a little suspicion, in +order that he and his friends may have the plucking of their victim +exclusively. The portly-looking man in the left-hand corner _(see +~329~~plate)_ is Mr. Tanfield, one of the greatest betting men on the +turf; who can lose and pay twenty thousand without moving a muscle, and +pocket the like sum without indulging in a smile; always steady as old +Time, and never giving away a chance, but carefully keeping his eye upon +Cocker (i. e. his book), to see how the odds stand, and working away by +that system which is well understood under the term management. In front +of him is the sporting Earl of Sefton, and that highly-esteemed son of +Nimrod, Colonel Hilton Joliffe,--men of the strictest probity, and hence +often appointed referees on matters in dispute. + +[Illustration: page329] + +Lawyer L----, and little Wise-man, are settling their differences with +_bluff_ Bland, who carries all his bets in his memory till he reaches +home, because a book upon the spot would be useless. In the right-hand +corner, just in front of old General B----n, is John Gully, once +the pugilist, but now a man of considerable property, which has been +principally acquired by his knowledge of calculation, and strict +attention to honourable conduct: there are few men on the turf more +respected, and very few among those who keep _betting_ books whose +conduct will command the same approbation. The old beau in the corner +is Sir Lumley S----n, who, without the means to bet much, still loves +to linger near the scene of former extravagance." "A good disciple of +Lavater," said Transit, "might tell the good or ill fortunes of those +around him, by a slight observance of their countenances. See +that merry-looking, ruby-faced fellow just leaving the door of the +subscription-room: can any body doubt that he has _come off all +right_?--or who would dispute that yon pallid-cheeked gentleman, with +a long face and quivering lip, betrays, by the agitation of his nerves, +the extent of his sufferings? The peer with a solemn visage tears out +his last check, turns upon his heel, whistles a tune, and sets against +the gross amount of his losses another mortgage of ~330~~the family +acres, or a _post obit_ upon some expectancy: the regular sporting man, +the out and outer, turns to his book-- + + 'For there he finds, _no matter who has won_,{1} + Whichever animal, or mare, or colt; + Nay, though each horse that started for't should bolt, + Or all at once fall lame, or die, or stray, + He yet must pocket hundreds by the day.'" + +Two or three amusing scenes took place among those who wanted, and those +who had nothing to give, but yet were too honourable to _levant_: many +exhibited outward and visible signs of inward grief. A man of metal +dropped his last sovereign with a sigh, but chafed a little about +false reports of chaunting up a losing horse, doing the _thing neatly_, +keeping the secret, and other such like delicate innuendoes, which among +sporting men pass current, provided the losers pay promptly. Several, +who had gone beyond their depth, were recommended to the consideration +of the humane, in hopes that time might yet bring them about. We had +now passed more than two hours among the motley group, when Tom, having +exchanged the time o'day with most of his sporting friends, proposed an +adjournment to _Fishmongers' Hall_, or, as he prefaced it, with a visit +to the New Club in St. James's-street; to which resort of Greeks and +gudgeons we immediately proceeded. + +[Illustration: page331] + +We had just turned the corner of St. James's-street, and were preparing +to ascend the steps which lead to the New Club, as Crockford's +establishment is termed, when old Crony accosted me. + + 1 To all but betting men, this must appear impossible; but + management is every thing; and with a knowledge of the + secret, according to turf logic, it is one hundred to one + against calculation, and, by turf mathematics, five hundred + to one against any event coming right upon the square. In + the sporting phrase, 'turf men never back any thing to win;' + they have no favourites, unless there is a X; and their + common practice is to accommodate all, by taking the odds, + till betting is reduced to a _certainty_. + +~331~~He had it seems come off by the Brighton ten o'clock coach, +and was now, "according to his usual custom i' the afternoon," on the +look-out for an _invite_ to a good dinner and a bottle. As I knew he +would prove an agreeable, if not a very useful companion in our present +enterprise, I did not hesitate to present him to Echo and Transit, who, +upon my very flattering introduction, received him graciously; although +Bob hinted he was rather _too old_ for a _play-fellow_, and Echo +whispered me to keep a _sharp lookout_, as he strongly suspected he was +a _staff officer_ of the _new Greek corps of Sappers and Miners_. In +London you can neither rob nor be robbed genteelly without a formal +introduction: how Echo had contrived it I know not, but we were very +politely ushered into the grand club-room, a splendid apartment of +considerable extent, with a bow-window in front, exactly facing White's. + +To speak correctly of the elegance and taste displayed in the +decorations and furniture, not omitting the costly sideboard of +richly-chased plate, I can only say it rivalled any thing I had ever +before witnessed, and was calculated to impress the young mind with the +most extravagant ideas of the wealth and magnificence of the members or +_committee_. The Honourable Mr. B----, one of the brothers of the Earl +of R----, was the _procureur_ to whom, I found, we were indebted, for +the present _honour_--a gay man, of some fashionable notoriety, whose +fortune is said to have suffered severely by his attachment to the +_orthodox orgies_ at the once celebrated Gothic Hall, when Parson John +Ambrose used to officiate as the presiding minister. "Here he is a +member of the committee," said Crony, "and, with his brother and the +old Lord F----, the Marquis H----, Colonel C----, and the Earl of G----, +forms the _secret directory_ of the New Club, which is considered almost +as good a thing as a Mexican mine; for, if report speaks truly, the +amount ~332~~of the profits in the last season exceeded one hundred +thousand pounds, after payment of expenses." A sudden crash in the +street at this moment drew the attention of all to the window, where an +accident presented a very ominous warning to those within _(see plate)_. +"A regular break down," said Echo. "_Floored_" said Transit, "_but +not much the matter_." "I beg your pardon, sir," said a wry-mouthed +portly-looking gentleman, who stood next to Bob; "it is a very _awkward_ +circumstance to have occurred just here: I'll bet ten to one it spoils +all the _play_ to-night; and if any of those newspaper fellows get to +hear of it, _Fishmongers' Hall_ and its members will figure in print +again to-morrow;" and with that he bustled off to the street to assist +in re-producing a _move_ with all possible celerity. "Who the deuce was +the queer-looking _cawker_?" we all at once inquired of Crony. +"What, gentlemen! not know the director-general, the accomplished +commander-in-chief, the thrice-renowned Cocker Crockford? (so named from +his admirable tact at calculation): why, I thought every one who +had witnessed a horse-race, or a boxing-match, or betted a guinea at +Tattersall's, must have known the _director_, who has been a notorious +character among the sporting circles for the last thirty years: and, +if truth be told, is not the worst of a bad lot. About five-and-twenty +years since I remember him," said Crony, "keeping a snug little +fishmonger's shop, at the corner of Essex-street, in the Strand, where I +have often betted a guinea with him on a trotting match, for he was then +fond of _the thing_, and attended the races and fights in company with +old Jerry Cloves, the lighterman, who is now as well _breeched_ as +himself. It is a very extraordinary fact," continued Crony, "and one +which certainly excites suspicion, that almost all those who have made +large fortunes by the turf or play are men of obscure origin, who, but a +few years since, were not worth a guinea, ~333~~while those by whom +they have risen are now reduced to beggary." How many representatives of +noble houses, and splendid patrimonies, handed down with increasing care +from generation, to generation, have been ruined and dissipated by this +pernicious vice! --the gay and inexperienced nipped in the very bud of +life, and plunged into irretrievable misery--while the high-spirited and +the noble-minded victims to false honour, too often seek a refuge from +despair in the grave of the suicide! Such were the reflections that +oppressed my mind while contemplating the scene before me: I was, +however, roused from my reverie by Crony's continuation of the +_director's_ history. "He bears the character of an honourable man," +said our Mentor, "among the play world, and has the credit of being +scrupulously particular in all matters of play and pay. For the +fashion of his manners, they might be much improved, certainly; but for +generosity and a kind action, there are very few among the _Greeks_ who +excel the old fishmonger. He was formerly associated with T--l-r and +others in the French Hazard Bank, at Watier's Club House, corner of +Bolton-row; but T--l-r, having purchased the house without the knowledge +of his partners, wanted so many exclusive advantages for himself, that +the director withdrew, just in time to save himself from the obloquy of +an affair which occurred shortly afterwards, in which certain persons +were charged with using false dice. The complainant, a young sprig of +fashion, seized the _unhallowed bones_, and bore them off in triumph to +a stick shop in the neighbourhood; where, for some time afterwards, they +were exhibited to the gaze of many a fashionable dupe. The circumstance +produced more than one good effect--it prevented a return of any +disposition to play on the part of the detector, and closed the house +for ever since." After the dinner, which was served up in a princely +style, we were invited by the Honourable to ~334~~view the upper +apartment, called the Grand Saloon, a true picture of which accompanies +this, from the pencil of my friend, Bob Transit, and into which he has +contrived to introduce the affair of the cogged dice _(see plate)_, a +licence always allowable to poets and painters in the union of time and +place. The characters here will speak for themselves. + +[Illustration: page335] + +They are all sketches from the life, and as like the originals as +the reflection of their persons would be in a looking-glass. By the +frequenters of such places they will be immediately recognised; while +to the uninitiated the family cognomen is of little consequence, and +is omitted, as it might give pain to worthy bosoms who are not yet +irrecoverably lost. By the strict rules of _Fishmongers' Hall_, the +members of Brookes', White's, Boodle's, the Cocoa Tree, Alfred and +Travellers' clubs only are admissible; but this restriction is not +always enforced, particularly where there is a chance of a _good bite_. +The principal game played here is French Hazard, the director and +friends supplying the bank, the premium for which, with what the +box-money produces, forms no inconsiderable source of profit. It is +ridiculous to suppose any unfair practices are ever resorted to in the +general game; in a mixed company they would be easily detected, and must +end in the ruin of the house: but the chances of the game, calculation, +and superior play, give proficients every advantage, and should teach +the inexperienced caution. "It is heart-rending," said Crony, whom I had +smuggled into one corner of the room, for the purpose of enjoying +his remarks free from observation, "to observe the progress of the +unfortunate votaries to this destructive vice, as they gradually proceed +through the various stages of its seductive influence. The young and +thoughtless are delighted with the fascination of the scene: to the more +profligate sensualist it affords an opportunity of enjoying the choicest +_liqueurs_, coffee, and wines, ~335~~free of expense; and, although he +may have no money to lose himself, he can do the house a _good turn_, by +introducing some _pigeon_ who has _just come out_; and he is therefore +always a welcome visitor. At Crockford's, all games where the aid of +mechanism would be necessary are cautiously avoided, not from any moral +dislike to _Rouge et Noir or Roulette_, but from the apprehension of an +occasional visit from the police, and the danger attending the discovery +of such apparatus, which, from its bulk, cannot easily be concealed. In +the space of an hour Echo had lost all the money he possessed, and had +given his I O U for a very considerable sum; although frequently urged +to desist by Transit, who, with all his love of life and frolic, is yet +a decided enemy to gaming. One excess generally leads to another. From +Tattersall's we had passed to Crockford's; and on quitting the latter it +was proposed we should visit Tom Belcher's, the Castle Tavern, Holborn, +particularly as on this night there was a weekly musical muster of the +_fancy_, yclept the _Daffy Club_; a scene rich in promise for the +pencil of our friend Bob, of sporting information to Echo, and full of +characteristic subject for the observation of the English Spy--of +that eccentric being, of whom, I hope, I may continue to sing '_esto +perpetua_!' + + Life is, with him, a golden dream, + A milky way, where all's serene. + Wit's treasured stores his humour wait,-- + His volume, man in every state,-- + From grave to gay, from rich to poor, + From gilded dome to rustic door. + Through all degrees life's varied page, + He shows the manners of the age. + +The Daffy Club presents to the eye of a calm observer a fund of +entertainment; to the merry mad-wag who is fond of _life_, blowing his +_steamer_, and drinking _blue ruin_, until all is blue before him, a +~336~~source of infinite amusement; the convivial finds his antidote +to the rubs and jeers of this world in a rum chaunt; while the out +and outer may here open his mag-azine of tooth-powder, cause a grand +explosion, and never fear to meet a broadside in return. The knowing +cove finds his account in looking out for the green ones, and the +greens find their head sometimes a little heavier, and their pockets +lighter, by an accidental rencontre with the fancy. To see the place +in perfection, a stranger should choose the night previous to some +important mill, when our host of the Castle plays second, and all the +lads are mustered to _stump up_ their blunt, or to catch the important +_whisper_ where the _scene of action_ is likely to be (for there is +always due caution used in the disclosure), to take a peep at the +pugilists present, and trot off as well satisfied as if he had partaken +of a splendid banquet with the Great Mogul. + +The long room is neatly fitted up, and lighted with gas; and the +numerous sporting subjects, elegantly framed and glazed, have rather an +imposing effect upon the entrance of the visitor, and among which may be +recognised animated likenesses of the late renowned Jem Belcher, and +his daring competitor (that inordinate glutton) Burke. The fine +whole-length portrait of Mr. Jackson stands between those of the +Champion and Tom Belcher; the father of the present race of boxers, old +Joe Ward; the Jew phenomenon, Dutch Sam; Bob Gregson, in water colours, +by the late John Emery, of Covent Garden theatre; the scientific contest +between Humphreys and Mendoza; also the battle between Crib and Jem +Belcher; a finely executed portrait of the late tremendous Molineux; +portraits of Gulley, Randall, Harmer, Turner, Painter, Tom Owen, and +Scroggins, with a variety of other subjects connected with the turf, +chase, &c, including a good likeness of the dog Trusty, the champion of +the canine race in fifty battles, and the favourite ~337~~animal of Jem +Belcher, the gift of Lord Camelford--the whole forming a characteristic +trait of the sporting world. The long table, or the ring, as it +is facetiously termed, is where the _old slanders_ generally perch +themselves to receive the visits of the swells, and give each other the +office relative to passing events: and what set of men are better +able to speak of society in all its various ramifications, from the +cabinet-counsellor to the _cosey costermonger_? Jemmy Soares, the +president, must be considered a _downy one_; having served five +apprenticeships to the office of sheriffs representative, and is as good +a fellow in his way as ever _tapped a shy one_ upon the shoulder-joint, +or let fly a _ca sa_ at your goods and chattels. Lucky Bob is a fellow +of another stamp, "a _nation good vice_" as ever was attached to the +house of _Brunswick_. Then comes our host, a civil, well-behaved man, +without any of the exterior appearance of the ruffian, or perhaps +I should say of his profession, and with all the good-natured +qualifications for a peaceable citizen, and an obliging, merry landlord: +next to him you will perceive the _immortal typo_, the all-accomplished +Pierce Egan; an eccentric in his way, both in manner and person, but not +deficient in that peculiar species of wit which fits him for the high +office of historian of the ring. The ironical praise of Blackwood he has +the good sense to turn to a right account, laughs at their satire, and +pretends to believe it is all meant in _right-down earnest_ approbation +of his extraordinary merits. For a long while after his great +instructor's neglect of his friends, Pierce kept undisturbed possession +of the throne; but recently competitors have shown themselves in the +field _well found_ in all particulars, and carrying such witty and +weighty ammunition wherewithal, that they more than threaten "to +push the hero from his stool."{1} Tom 1 The editors of the Annals of +Sporting, and Bell's Life in London, are both fellows of infinite wit. + +~338~~Spring, who is fond of _cocking_ as well as fighting, is seen with +his bag in the right-hand corner, chaffing with the Duck-lane doss man; +while Lawyer L----e, a true sportsman, whether for the turf or chase, is +betting the odds with brother Adey, Greek against Greek. Behind them +are seen the heroes Scroggins and Turner; and at the opposite end of the +table, a Wake-ful one, but a grosser man than either, and something of +the _levanter_: the bald-headed stag on his right goes by the quaint +cognomen of the _Japan oracle_, from the retentive memory he possesses +on all sporting and pugilistic events. The old waiter is a picture every +frequenter will recognise, and the smoking a dozer no unusual bit of a +spree. Here, my dear Bernard, you have before you a true portrait of the +celebrated Daffy{2} Club, done from the life by our + + 2 The great lexicographer of the fancy gives the following + definition of the word Daffy. The phrase was coined at + the mint of the Fancy, and has since passed current without + ever being overhauled as queer. The Colossus of + Literature, after all his nous and acute researches to + explain the synonyms of the English language, does not + appear to have been down to the interpretation of Daffy; nor + indeed does Bailey or Sheridan seem at all fly to it; and + even slang Grose has no touch of its extensive + signification. The squeamish Fair One who takes it on the + sly, merely to cure the vapours, politely names it to her + friends as White Wine. The Swell chaffs it as Blue Ruin, + to elevate his notions. The Laundress loves dearly a drain + of Ould Tom, from its strength to comfort her inside. The + drag Fiddler can toss off a quartern of Max without making a + wry mug. The Costermonger illumines his ideas with a + flash of lightning.' The hoarse Cyprian owes her existence + to copious draughts of Jacky. The Link-boy and Mud Larks, + in joining their browns together, are for some Stark Naked. + And the Out and Outers, from the addition of bitters to it, + in order to sharpen up a dissipated and damaged Victualling + Office, cannot take any thing but Fuller's Earth. Much it + should seem, therefore, depends upon a name; and as a soft + sound is at all times pleasing to the listener--to have + denominated this Sporting Society the Gin Club would not + only have proved barbarous to the ear, but the vulgarity of + the chant might have deprived it of many of its elegant + friends. It is a subject, however, which it must be + admitted has a good deal of Taste belonging to it--and as a + Sporting Man would be nothing if he was not flash, the Daffy + Club meet under the above title. + +~339~~mutual friend, Bob Transit (see plate), in closing my account of +which I have only to say, we were not disappointed in our search after +variety, and came away high in spirits, and perfectly satisfied with the +good-humour and social intercourse of our eccentric associates. + +[Illustration: 339] + +The sad, the sober, and the sentimental were all gone to roost, before +our merry trio sallied forth from the Castle Tavern, ripe for any sport +or spree. Of all the bucks in this buckish age, your London buck is the +only true fellow of spirit; with him life never begins too early, or +finishes too late; how many of the west-end _roues_ ride twenty miles +out, in a cold morning, to meet the hounds, and after a hard day's run +mount their hack and ride twenty miles home to have the pleasure of +enjoying their own fire-side, or of relating the hair-breadth perils and +escapes they have encountered, to their less active associates at +Long's or Stevens's, the Cider Cellar, or the Coal-hole! The general +introduction of gas throws too clear a light upon many dark transactions +and midnight frolics to allow the repetition of the scenes of former +times: here and there to be sure an odd nook, or a dark cranny, is yet +left unenlightened; but the leading streets of the metropolis are, +for the most part, too well illuminated to allow the _spreeish_ or +the _sprightly_ to carry on their jokes in security, or bolt away with +safety when a charley thinks proper to set his _child a crying_.{3} We +had crossed the road, in the direction of Chancery-lane, expecting to +have met with a hackney _rattler_, but not one was to be found upon the +stand, when Bob espied the broad _tilt_ of a _jarvey perched_ upon his +_shop-board_, and impelling along, with no little labour of the whip, a +pair of _anatomies_, whose external appearance showed they + + 3 Springing his rattle. + +~340~~had benefited very little by the opening of the ports for oats, or +the digestive operation of the new corn-bill. "Hired, old Jarvey?" said +Echo, fixing himself in the road before the fiery charioteer. "No, +but tired, young Davey," replied the dragsman. "Take a fare to Covent +Garden?" "Not if I knows it," was the knowing reply; "so stir your +stumps, my tight one, or I shall drive over you." "You had better take +us," said Transit. "I tell you I won't; I am a day man, going home, and +I don't take night jobs." "But I tell you, you must," said Echo; "so +round with your drag, and we'll make your last day a long day, and give +you the benefit of resurrection into the bargain." "Why, look ye, my +jolly masters, if you're up to a lark of that 'ere sort, take care you +don't get a floorer; I've got a rum customer inside what I'm giving a +lift to for love--only Josh Hudson, the miller; and if he should chance +to wake, I think he'll be for dusting some of your jackets." "What, my +friend Josh inside?" vociferated Echo, "then it's all right: go it, my +hearties; mount the box one on each hand, and make him drive us to the +Finish--while I settle the matter with the inside passenger." Josh, who +had all this time been taking _forty winks_, while on his road to his +crony Belcher's, soon recognised his patron, Echo; and jarvey, finding +that all remonstrance was useless, thought it better to make a "virtue +of necessity;" so turning his machine to the right about, he, in due +time, deposited us in the purlieus of Covent Garden. The hoarse note +of the drowsy night-guard reverberated through the long aisle of +the now-forsaken piazzas, as the trembling flame of the parish lamp, +flittering in its half-exhausted jet, proclaimed the approach of day; +the heavy rumbling of the gardeners' carts, laden with vegetables for +the ensuing market, alone disturbed the quiet of the adjoining streets. +In a dark angle might be seen the houseless wanderer, or the abandoned +profligate, ~341~~gathered up like a lump of rags in a corner, and +shivering with the nipping air. The gloom which surrounded us had, for +a moment, chilled the wild exuberance of my companions' mirth; and it is +more than probable we should have suspended our visit to the _Finish_, +at least for that night, had not the jocund note of some uproarious +Bacchanalian assailed our ears with the well-known college chant of old +Walter de Mapes, "_Mihi est propositum in taberna mori_," which being +given in G major, was re-echoed from one end to the other of the arched +piazza: at a little distance we perceived the jovial singer reeling +forwards, or rather working his way, from right to left, in sinuosities, +along, or according to nautical phrase, upon __tack and half tack, +bearing up to windward, in habiliments black as a crow, with the +exception of his neckcloth and under vest; but judge our surprise and +delight, when, upon nearer approach, we discovered the _bon vivant_ to +be no other than our old friend Crony, who had been sacrificing to +the jolly god with those choice spirits the members of the Beefsteak +Club,{4} who meet in a room built expressly + + 4 This Club, which may boast among its members some of the + most distinguished names of the age, including royalty + itself, owed its origin to the talents of those celebrated + artists Richards and Loutherbourg, whose scenic performances + were in those days often exhibited to a select number of the + nobility and gentry, patrons of the drama and the arts, in + the painting-room of the theatre, previous to their being + displayed to the public. It was on one of those occasions + that some noblemen surprised the artist cooking his beef- + steak for luncheon in his painting-room, and kindly + partaking of the _dejeune a la fourchette_, with him, + suggested and established the Beef-steak Club, which was + originally, and up to the time of the fire, held in an + apart-ment over the old Theatre Royal, Covent Garden; but + since that period the members have been accommodated by Mr. + Arnold, who built the present room expressly for their use. + In page 216 of this work, allusion will be found by name to + some of the brilliant wits who graced this festive board, + and gave a lustre to the feast. In the old place of + meeting the identical gridiron on which Richards and + Loutherbourg operated was to be seen attached to the + ceiling, emblematical of the origin of the society, which + may now be considered as the only relic left of that social + intercourse which formerly existed in so many shapes between + those who were distinguished for their noble birth and + wealth, and the poorer, but equally illustrious, of the + children of Genius. It would be an act of injustice to the + present race of scenic artists to close this note without + acknowledging their more than equal merits to their + predecessors: the Grieves (father and sons), Phillips, + Marinari, Wilson, Tomkins, and Stanfield, are all names of + high talent; but the novelty of their art has, from its + general cultivation, lost much of this peculiar attraction. + +~342~~for them over the audience part of the English Opera House. The +ruby glow of the old boy's countenance shone like an omen of the merry +humour of his mind. "What, out for a spree, boys, or just bailed from +the watch-house, which is it? the alpha or omega, for they generally +follow one another?" "Then you are in time for the _equivoque_, Crony," +said Echo; "so enlist him, Transit;" and without more ceremony, Crony +was marched off, __vi et armis, to the _Finish_, a coffee-house in +James-street, Covent Garden, where the _peep-o'-day boys_ and _family +men_ meet to conclude the night's debauch _(see plate)_; "_Video meliora +proboque, Deteriora sequoi_;" you will exclaim, and 'tis granted; but + + "_Lusus animo debent aliquando dari, + Ad cogitandum melior ut red eat sibi_," + +says Phodrus, and be the poet's apology mine, for I am neither afraid +or ashamed to confess myself an admirer of life in all its variegated +lights and shadows, deriving my amusement from the great source of +knowledge, the study of that eccentric volume--man. The new police act +has, in some measure, abated the extent of these nuisances, the low +coffee-shops of the metropolis, which were, for the greater part, little +better than a rendezvous for thieves of every description, depots both +for the ~343~~plunder and the plunderer; where, if an unthinking or +profligate victim once entered, he seldom came out without experiencing +treatment which operated like a severe lesson, that would leave its +moral upon his mind as long as he continued an inhabitant of the +terrestrial world. + +[Illustration: page343] + +The attempt to describe the party around us baffled even the descriptive +powers of old Crony; some few, indeed, were known to the man of the +world as reputed sharpers,--fellows who are always to be found lingering +about houses of such resort, to catch the inexperienced; when, having +sacrificed their victim either by gambling, cheating, or swindling, +they divide the profits with the keeper of the house, without whose +assistance they could not hope to arrive at the necessary information, +or be enabled to continue their frauds with impunity; but, thus +protected, they have a ready witness at hand to speak to their +character, without the suspicion of his being a confederate in their +villany. Here might be seen the woman of pleasure, lost to every sense +of her sex's shame, consuming the remaining portion of the night by +a wasteful expenditure of her ill-acquired gains upon some abandoned +profligate, bearing, indeed, the outward form of man, but presenting a +most degrading spectacle--a wretch so lost to all sense of honour and +manhood as meanly to subsist on the wages of prostitution. One or two +characters I must not omit: observe the fair Cyprian with the ermine +tippet, seated on the right of a well-known _billiard sharp_, who made +his escape from Dublin for having dived a little too deep into the +pockets of his brother emeralders; here he passes for a swell, and has +abandoned his former profession for the more honest union of callings, +a pimp and playman, in other words, a finished _Greek_. The lady was the +_chere amie_ of the unfortunate youth Hayward (designated as the modern +Macheath), who suffered an ignominious death. He was betrayed and sold +to the ~344~~officers by this very woman, upon whom he had lavished the +earnings of his infamy, when endeavouring to secrete himself from the +searching eye of justice. The unhappy female on the other side was early +in life seduced by the once celebrated Lord B----, by whose title, to +his lasting infamy, she is still known: what she might have been, but +for his arts, reflection too often compels her to acknowledge, when +sober and sinking under her load of misery; at other times she has +recourse to liquor to drown her complicated misfortunes; when wild and +infuriated, she more nearly resembles a demon than a woman, spreading +forth terror and destruction upon all around; in this state she is often +brought to the police-office, where the humanity of the magistrates, +softened perhaps by a recollection of her wrongs, generally operates to +procure for her some very trifling and lenient sentence.{5} + + 5 THE LIFE OF A WOMAN OF THE TOWN. + + Ah! what avails how once appear'd the fair, + When from gay equipage she falls obscure? + + In vain she moves her livid lips in prayer; + What man so mean to recollect the poor? + + From place to place, by unfee'd bailiffs drove, + As fainting fawns from thirsty bloodhounds fly; + + See the sad remnants of unhallow'd love + In prisons perish, or on dunghills die. + + Pimps and dependents once her beauties praised, + And on those beauties, vermin-like, they fed; + + From wretchedness the crew her bounty raised, + When by her spoils enrich'd--deny her bread. + + Through street to street she wends, as want betides, + Like Shore's sad wife, in winter's dismal hours; + + The bleak winds piercing her unnourish'd sides, + Her houseless head dripping with drizzy showers. + + Sickly she strolls amidst the miry lane, + While streaming spouts dash on her unclothed neck; + + By famine pinch'd, pinch'd by disease-bred pain, + Contrition's portrait, and rash beauty's wreck. + +~345~~We had now passed from the first receptacle to an inner and +more elegant apartment, where we could be accommodated with suitable +refreshments, wine, spirits, or, in fact, any thing we pleased to +order and were disposed to pay for; a practice at most of these early +coffee-houses, as they are denominated. The company in this room were, +as far as appearances went, of rather a better order; but an event +soon occurred which convinced us that their morality was perhaps more +exceptionable than the motley group which filled the outer chamber. A +bevy of damsels were singing, flirting, and drinking, to amuse their +companions,--when all at once the doors were forced open, and in rushed +three of the principal officers of Bow-street, the indefatigable Bishop, +the determined Smith, and the resolute Ruthven (see plate), all armed +and prepared for some dreadful encounter: in an instant their followers +had possessed themselves of the doors--flight, therefore, was in vain; +and Bob Transit, in attempting it, narrowly escaped an awkward crack on +the crania from old Jack Townshend, who being past active service, was +posted at the entrance with the beak himself, to do garrison duty. + +[Illustration: page345] + +"_The traps! the traps!_" vociferated some one in the adjoining room; +"_Douse the glims! stash it--stash it!_" was the general exclamation in +ours: but before the party could effect their purpose, the principals +were in safe custody: and the reader (i.e. pocket-book) containing +all the stolen property, preserved from the flames by the wary eye and +prompt arm of the _indefatigable_ Bishop. Before any one was allowed to +depart the room, a general muster and search took place, in which poor +Bob Transit felt most awkward, as some voluptuous sketches found in his +pocket called forth + + She dies; sad outcast! heart-broke by remorse; + Pale, stretch'd against th' inhospitable doors; + While gathering gossips taunt the flesh less corse, + And thank their gods _that they were never w--res!_ + +~346~~the severe animadversion of his worship, the beak, who lamented +that such fine talent should be thus immorally applied: with this brief +lecture, and a caution for the future, we were allowed to escape; while +almost all the rest, male and female, were marched off to an adjoining +watch-house, to abide the public examination and fiat of the morrow. +Of all the party, old Crony was the most sensibly affected by the late +rencontre; twenty bottles of soda-water could not have produced a more +important change. His conversation and appearance had, in an instant, +recovered their wonted steadiness; and before we were half across the +market, Crony was moralizing upon the dangers of the scene from which we +had so recently and fortunately escaped. But hearts young and buoyant as +ours, when lighted up by the fire of enterprise, and provoked to action +by potent charges of the grape, were not to be dashed by one repulse, +or compelled to beat a retreat at the first brush with a reconnoitring +party; we had sallied forth in pursuit of a spree, and frolic we were +determined upon, + + "While misty night, with silent pace, + Steals gradual o'er the wanton chase." + +There is something very romantic in prowling the streets of the +metropolis at midnight, in quest of adventure; at least, so my +companions insisted, and I had embarked too deeply in the night's +debauch to moralize upon its consequences. How many a sober-looking face +demure when morning dawns would blush to meet the accusing spirit of the +night, dressed out in all the fantasies of whim and eccentricity with +which the rosy god of midnight revelry clothes his laughter-loving +bacchanals-- + + "While sleep attendant at her drowsy fane, + Parent of ease, envelopes all your train!" + +The lamentations of old Crony brought to mind the ~347~~complaints +of honest Jack Falstaff against his associates. "There is no truth in +villanous man!" said our monitor. "I remember when a gentleman might +have reeled round the environs of Covent Garden, in and out of every +establishment, from the Bedford to Mother Butlers, without having his +pleasures broken in upon by the irruptions of Bow-street mohawks, or his +person endangered by any association he chose to mix with; but we are +returning to the times of the _Roundheads_ and the _Puritans; cant,_ +vile hypocritical _cant_, has bitten the ear of authority, and the great +officers of the state are infected with the Jesuitical mania. + + 'Man is a ship that sails with adverse winds, + And has no haven till he land at death. + Then, when he thinks his hands fast grasp the bank, + Conies a rude billow betwixt him and safety, + And beats him back into the deep again.'" + +"I subscribe to none of their fooleries," said I; "for I am of the true +orthodox--love my king, my girl, my friend, and my bottle: a truce with +all their raven croakings; they would overload mortality, and press our +shoulders with too great a weight of dismal miseries. But come, my boys, +we who have free souls, let us to the banquet, while yet Sol's fiery +charioteer lies sleeping at his eastern palace in the lap of Thetis--let +us chant carols of mirth to old Jove or bully Mars; and, like chaste +votaries, perform our orgies at the shrine of Venus, ere yet Aurora +tears aside the curtain that conceals our revels." In this way we +rallied our cameleon-selves, until we again found shelter from the dews +of night in Carpenter's coffee-house; a small, but well-conducted place, +standing at the east end of the market, which opens between two and +three o'clock in the morning, for the accommodation of those who are +hourly arriving with waggon loads of vegetable commodities. Here, over +a bottle of mulled port, Crony gave us the history of ~348~~what Covent +Garden used to be, when the eminent, the eccentric, and the notorious in +every walk of life, were to be found nightly indulging their festivities +within its famous precincts. "Covent Garden," said Crony, once so +celebrated for its clubs of wits and convents of fine women, is grown as +dull as _modern Athens_, and its ladies of pleasure almost as vulgar as +Scotch landladies; formerly, the first beauties of the time assembled +every evening under the Piazzas, and promenaded for hours to the +soft notes of the dulcet lute, and the silver tongues of amorous and +persuasive beaus; then the gay scene partook of the splendour of a +Venetian carnival, and such beauties as the Kitten, Peggy Yates, Sally +Hall the brunette, Betsy Careless, and the lively Mrs. Stewart, graced +the merry throng, with a hundred more, equally famed, whose names are +enrolled in the cabinet of Love's votaries. Then there was a celebrated +house in Charles-street, called the _field of blood_, where the droll +fellows of the time used nightly to resort, and throw down whole +regiments of _black_ artillery; and then at Tom or Moll King's, a +coffee-house so called, which stood in the centre of Covent Garden +market, at midnight might be found the bucks, bloods, demireps, +and choice spirits of London, associated with the most elegant and +fascinating Cyprians, congregated with every species of human kind that +intemperance, idleness, necessity, or curiosity could assemble together. +There you might see Tom King enter as rough as a Bridewell whipper, +roaring down the long room and rousing all the sleepers, thrusting them +and all who had empty glasses out of his house, setting everything to +rights,--when in would roll three or four jolly fellows, claret-cosey, +and in three minutes put it all into uproar again; playing all sorts +of mad pranks, until the guests in the long room were at battle-royal +together; for in those days pugilistic encounters were equally common +as with the present ~349~~times, owing to the celebrity of Broughton and +his amphitheatre, where the science of boxing was publicly taught. Then +was the Spiller's Head in Clare-market, in great vogue for the nightly +assemblage of the wits; there might be seen Hogarth, and Betterton +the actor, and Dr. Garth, and Charles Churchill, the first of English +satirists, and the arch politician, Wilkes, and the gay Duke of Wharton, +and witty Morley, the author of Joe Miller, and Walker, the celebrated +Macheath, and the well-known Bab Selby, the oyster-woman, and Fig, the +boxer, and old Corins, the clerical attorney.--All "hail, fellow, +well met."{6} And a friend of mine has in his possession a most +extraordinary picture of Hogarth's, on this subject, which has never yet +been engraved from. It is called St. James's Day, or the first day +of oysters, and represents the interior of the Spiller's Head in +Clare-market, as it then appeared. The principal figures are the gay +and dissolute Duke of Wharton, for whom the well-known Bab Selby, the +oyster-wench, is opening oysters; Spiller is standing at her back, +patting her shoulder; the figure sitting smoking by the side of the duke +is a portrait of Morley, the author of Joe Miller; and the man standing +behind is a portrait of the well-known attendant on the duke's drunken +frolics, Fig, the brother of Fig, the boxer: the person drinking at the +bar is Corins, called the parson-attorney, from his habit of dressing +in clerical attire; the two persons sitting at the table represent +portraits of the celebrated Dr. Garth, and Betterton, the actor; the +figures, also, of Walker, the celebrated Macheath, and Lavinia +Fenton, the highly-reputed Polly, afterwards Duchess of Bolton, may be +recognised in the back-ground. + +The circumstances of this picture having escaped the notice of the +biographer of Hogarth is by no means singular. Mr. Halls, one of the +magistrates at Bow-street, has, among other choice specimens by Hogarth, +the lost picture of the Harlot's Progress; the subject telling her +fortune by the tea-grounds in her cup, admirably characteristic of the +artist and his story. In my own collection I have the original picture +of the Fish-Women of Calais, with a view of the market-place, painted +on the spot, and as little known as the others to which I have alluded. +There are, no doubt, many other equally clever performances of Hogarth's +prolific pencil which are not generally known to the public, or have not +yet been engraved. ~350~~in the same neighbourhood, in Russel-court, at +the old Cheshire Cheese, the inimitable but dissolute Tom Brown wrote +many of his cleverest essays. Then too commenced the midnight revelries +and notoriety of the Cider Cellar, in Maiden-lane, when Sim Sloper, Bob +Washington, Jemmy Tas well, Totty Wright, and Harry Hatzell, led the way +for a whole regiment more of frolic-making beings who, like Falstaff, +were not only, witty themselves, but the cause of keeping it alive in +others: to these succeeded Porson the Grecian, Captain Thompson, Tom +Hewerdine, Sir John Moore, Mr. Edwin, Mr. Woodfall, Mr. Brownlow, +Captain Morris, and a host of other highly-gifted men, the first lyrical +and political writers of the day,--who frequented the Cider Cellar after +the meetings of the _Anacreontic, beefsteak_, and _humbug_ clubs then +held in the neighbourhood, to taste the parting bowl and swear eternal +friendship. In later times, Her Majesty the Queen of Bohemia{7} raised +her standard in Tavistock-row, Covent Garden, where she held a midnight +court for the wits; superintended by the renowned daughter of Hibernia, +and maid of honour to her majesty, the facetious Mother Butler--the +ever-constant supporter of Richard Brinsley Sheridan, esquire, and a +leading feature in all the memorable Westminster elections of the last +fifty years. How many jovial nights have I passed and jolly fellows +have I met in the snug _sanctum sanctorum!_ a little _crib_, as the +_fishmongers_ would call it, with an entrance through the bar, and into +which none were ever permitted to enter without a formal introduction +and the gracious permission of the hostess. Among those who were thus +specially privileged, and had the honour of the _entre_, were +the reporters for the morning papers, the leading members of the +_eccentrics_, the actors and musicians of the two Theatres Royal, merry +members of both Houses of + + 7 The sign of the house. + +~351~~Parliament, and mad wags of every country who had any established +claim to the kindred feelings of genius. Such were the frequenters +of the Finish. Here, poor Tom Sheridan, with a comic gravity that set +discretion at defiance, would let fly some of his brilliant drolleries +at the _improvisatore_, Theodore Hook; who, lacking nothing of his +opponent's wit, would quickly return his tire with the sharp encounter +of a satiric epigram or a brace of puns, planted with the most happy +effect upon the weak side of his adversary's merriment. There too +might be seen the wayward and the talented George Cook, gentlemanly +in conduct, and full of anecdote when sober, but ever captious and +uproarious in his cups. Then might be heard a strange encounter of +expressions between the queen of Covent Garden and the voluptuary, Lord +Barrymore,{8} seconded by his brother, the pious Augustus. In one corner +might be seen poor Dermody, the poet, shivering with wretchedness, +and Mother Butler pleading his cause with a generous feeling that does +honour to her heart, collecting for him a temporary supply which, alas! +his imprudence generally dissipated with the morrow. Here, George Sutton +Manners,{9} and Peter Finnerty,{10} and James Brownly,{11} inspired by +frequent potations of the real + + 8 Designated Cripplegate and Newgate. + + 9 The relative of the present Archbishop of Canterbury, and + then editor of the Satirist magazine. + + 10 Peter Finnerty was a reporter on the Chronicle. The his- + tory of Finnerty's political persecutions in his own country + (Ireland), and afterwards in this, are interwoven with our + history. The firmness and honesty of his mind had endeared + him to a very large circle of patriot friends. He was + eloquent, but impetuous, his ideas appearing to flow too + fast for delivery. With all the natural warmth of his + country, he had a heart of sterling gold. Finnerty died + in 1822, very shortly after his friend Perry. + + 11 James Brownly, formerly a reporter on the Times; of + whom Sheridan said, hearing him speak, that his situation + ought to have been in the body of the House of Commons, + instead of the gallery. Brownly possessed very rare + natural talents, was originally an upholsterer in Catherine- + street, Strand, and by dint of application acquired a very + correct knowledge of the tine arts: he was particularly + skilled in architecture and heraldry. In addition to + his extraordinary powers as an orator, he was a most elegant + critic, and a very amiable man. He died in 1822, much + regretted by all who knew him. + +~352~~Rocrea whiskey, would hold forth in powerful contention, until +mine hostess of the _Finish_{12} would put an end to the debate; and the +irritation it would sometimes engender, by disencumbering herself of +a few of her Milesian monosyllables. Then would bounce into the room, +Felix M'Carthy, the very cream of comicalities, and the warm-hearted +James Hay ne, and Frank Phippen, and Michael Nugent, and the eloquent +David Power, and memory Middleton, and father Proby, just to sip an +emulsion after the close of their labours in reporting a long debate in +the House of Commons. Here, too, I remember to have seen for the first +time in my life, the wayward Byron, with the light of genius beaming +in his noble countenance, and an eye brilliant and expressive as the +evening star; the rich juice of the Tuscan grape had diffused an unusual +glow over his features, and inspired him with a playful animation, that +but rarely illumined the misanthropic gloominess of his too sensitive +mind. An histrionic star alike distinguished for talent and eccentricity +accompanied him--the gallant, gay Lothario, Kean. But I should consume +the remnant of the night to retrace more of the fading recollections of +the _Finish_. That it was a scene where prudence did not always preside, +is true; but there was a rich union of talent and character always to be +found within its circle, that + + 12 Mother Butler, the queen of Covent-garden, for many years + kept the celebrated Finish, where, if shut out of your + lodging, you might take shelter till morning, very often in + the very best of company. The house has, since she left it, + been shut up through the suspension of its licence. Mother + Butler was a witty, generous-hearted, and very extraordinary + woman. She is, I believe, still living, and in good + circumstances. + +~353~~prevented any very violent outrage upon propriety or decorum. +In the present day, there is nothing like it--the Phoenix,{13} +Offley's,{14} the Coal-hole,{15} and what yet remains of the dismembered +Eccentrics,{16} bears no comparison to the ripe drolleries and + + 13 A society established at the Wrekin tavern in Broad- + court, in imitation of the celebrated club at Brazennose + College, Oxford, and of whom I purpose to take some notice + hereafter. + + 14 The Burton ale rooms; frequented by baby bucks, black- + legs and half-pay officers. + + 15 A tavern in Fountain-court, Strand, kept by the poet + Rhodes; celebrated for the Saturday ordinary. + + 16 In the room, where of old the Eccentrics {*} met; When + mortals were Brilliants, and fond of a whet, And _Hecate_ + environ'd all London in jet. Where Adolphus, and + Shorri',{**} and famed Charley Fox, With a hundred good + whigs led by Alderman Cox, Put their names in the books, and + their cash in the box; Where perpetual Whittle,{***} + facetiously grand, On the president's throne each night took + his stand, With his three-curly wig, and his hammer in hand: + Then Brownly, with eloquence florid and clear, Pour'd a + torrent of metaphor into the ear, With well-rounded periods, + and satire severe. Here too Peter Finnerty, Erin's own + child, Impetuous, frolicsome, witty, and wild, With many a + tale has our reason beguiled: Then wit was triumphant, and + night after night Was the morn usher'd in with a flood of + delight. + + * The Eccentrics, a club principally composed of persons + connected with the press or the drama, originally + established at the Swan, in Chandos-street, Covent-garden, + under the name of the Brilliants, and afterwards removed to + the Sutherland Arms, in May's-buildings, St. Martin's-lane; + --here, for many years, it continued the resort of some of + the first wits of the time; the chair was seldom taken till + the theatres were over, and rarely vacated till between four + and five in the morning. + + ** Sheridan, Charles Fox, Adolphus, and many of the most + eminent men now at the bar, were members or occasional + frequenters. + + *** James Whittle, Esq., of Fleet-street, (or, as he was + more generally denominated, the facetious Jemmy Whittle, of + the respectable firm of Laurie and Whittle, booksellers and + publishers) was for some years perpetual president of the + society, and by his quaint manners, and good-humoured + sociality, added much to the felicity of the scene--he is + but recently dead. + +~354~~pleasant witticisms which sparkled forth in endless variety among +the choice spirits who frequented the _sanctum sanctorum_ of the _old +Finish_. "There is yet, however, one more place worthy of notice," said +Crony; "not for any amusement we shall derive from its frequenters, but, +simply, that it is the most notorious place in London." Thither it +was agreed we should adjourn; for Crony's description of _Madame and +Messieurs_ the _Conducteurs_ was quite sufficient to produce excitement +in the young and ardent minds by which he was then surrounded. I shall +not pollute this work by a repetition of the circumstances connected +with this place, as detailed by old Crony, lest humanity should start +back with horror and disgust at the bare mention, and charity endeavour +to throw discredit on the true, but black recital. The specious pretence +of selling shell-fish and oysters is a mere trap for the inexperienced, +as every description of expensive wines, liqueurs, coffee, and costly +suppers are in more general request, and the wanton extravagance +exhibited within its vortex is enough to strike the uninitiated and the +moralist with the most appalling sentiments of horror and dismay. Yet +within this _saloon (see plate)_ did we enter, at four o'clock in the +morning, to view the depravity of human nature, and watch the operation +of licentiousness upon the young and thoughtless. + +[Illustration: page354] + +A Newgate turnkey would, no doubt, recognize many old acquaintances; in +the special hope of which, Bob Transit has faithfully delineated some +of the most conspicuous characters, as they appeared on that occasion, +lending their hearty assistance in the general scene of maddening +uproar. It was past five o'clock in the morning ere we quitted this den +of dreadful depravity, heartily tired out by the night's adventures, +yet solacing ourselves with the reflection that we had seen much and +suffered little either in respect to our purses or our persons. + + + + +VISIT TO WESTMINSTER HALL. + + _Worthies thereof--Legal Sketches of the Long Robe--The + Maiden Brief--An awkward Recognition--Visit to Banco Regis-- + Surrey Collegians giving a Lift to a Limb of the Late, + "Thus far shalt thou go and no farther"--Park Rangers--Visit + to the Life Academy--R--A--ys of Genius reflecting on the + true line of Beauty--Arrival of Bernard Black-mantle in + London--Reads his Play and Farce in the Green Rooms of the + two Theatres Royal, Drury Lane and Covent Garden--Sketches + of Theatrical Character--The City Ball at the Mansion House-- + The Squeeze--Civic Characters--Return to Alma Mater--The + Wind-up--Term ends_. + +~355~~A note from Dick Gradus invited Echo and myself to hear his +opening speech in Westminster Hall. "I have received my _maiden brief_" +writes the young counsel, "and shall be happy if you will be present at +my first attempt, when, like a true _amicus curio_, the presence of an +old school-fellow will inspire confidence, and point out what may strike +him as defective in my style." "We will all go," said Transit; "Echo +will be amused by the oratory of the bar, and I shall employ my pencil +to advantage in taking notes, not of _short hand_, but of _long heads_, +and still _longer faces_." The confusion created by the building of +the new courts at Westminster has literally choked up, for a time, that +noble specimen of Gothic architecture--the ancient hall; the King's +Bench sittings are therefore temporarily held in the Sessions House, +a small, but ~356~~rather compact octangular building, on the right of +Parliament-street. Hither we hasted, at nine o'clock in the morning, +to take a view of the court, judges, and counsel, and congratulate +our friend Gradus on his _entree_. It has been said, that the only +profession in this country where talents can insure success, is the +law. If by this is meant talents of a popular kind, the power of giving +effect to comprehensive views of justice and the bonds of society, a +command of language, and a faculty of bringing to bear upon one point +all the resources of intellect and knowledge, they are mistaken; they +speak from former experience, and not from present observation: they +are thinking of the days of a Mingay or an Erskine, not of those of a +Marryat or a Scarlett; of the time when juries were wrought upon by +the united influence of zeal and talent, not when they are governed by +_precedents and practice_; when men were allowed to feel a little, as +well as think a great deal; when the now common phrase of possessing the +_ear of the court_ was not understood, and the tactician and the bully +were unknown to the bar. It is asserted, that one-fifth of the causes +that come before our courts are decided upon mere matters of form, +without the slightest reference to their merits. Every student for the +bar must now place himself under some special pleader, and go through +all the complicated drudgery of the office of one of these underlings, +before he can hope to fill a higher walk; general principles, and +enlarged notions of law and justice, are smothered in laborious and +absurd technicalities; the enervated mind becomes shackled, until the +natural vigour of the intellect is so reduced, as to make its bondage +cease to seem burdensome. Dick, with a confidence in his own powers, has +avoided this degrading preparation; it is only two months since he was +first called to the bar, and with a knowledge of his father's influence +and property added to his own talents, he hopes to make a ~357~~stand +in court, previous to his being transplanted to the Commons House of +Parliament. + +A tolerable correct estimate may be formed of the popularity of the +judges, by observing the varied bearings of respect evinced towards them +upon their entrance into court. Mr. Justice Best came first, bending +nearly double under a painful infirmity, and was received by a cold and +ceremonious rising of the bar. To him succeeded his brother Holroyd, +a learned but not a very brilliant lawyer, and another partial +acknowledgment of the counsel was observable. Then entered the Chief +Justice, Sir Charles Abbot, with more of dignity in his carriage than +either of the preceding, and a countenance finely expressive of serenity +and comprehensive faculties: his welcome was of a more general, and, I +may add, genial nature; for his judicial virtues have much endeared him +to the profession and the public. But the universal acknowledgment of +the bar, the jury, and the reporters for the public press, who generally +occupy the students' box, was reserved for Mr. Justice Bayley; upon +whose entrance, all in court appeared to rise with one accord to pay a +tribute of respect to this very distinguished, just, and learned man. +All this might have been accidental, you will say; but it was in such +strict accordance with my own feelings and popular opinion besides, +that, however invidious it may appear, I cannot resist the placing it +upon record. To return to the Chief Justice: he is considered a man of +strong and piercing intellect, penetrating at once to the bottom of +a cause, when others, even the counsel, are very often only upon the +surface; his intuition in this respect is proverbial, and hence much of +the valuable time of the court is saved upon preliminary or immaterial +points. Added to which, he is an excellent lawyer, shrewd, clear, and +forcible in his delivery, very firm in his judgments, and mild in +his ~358~~language; with a patient command of temper, and continued +appearance of good-humour, that adds much to his dignity, and increases +public veneration. That he has been the architect of his own elevation +is much to be applauded; and it is equally honourable to the state to +acknowledge, that he is more indebted to his great talents and his legal +knowledge for his present situation than to any personal influence of +great interest{1}: of him it may be justly said, he hath + + "A piercing wit quite void of ostentation; high-erected + thoughts seated in a heart of courtesy; an eloquence as sweet + in the uttering, as slow to come to the uttering." + + _Sir P. Sidney's Arcadia_. + +It was Dick Gradus's good-luck to be opposed to Scarlett in a case of +libel, where the latter was for the defendant. "Of all men else at the +bar, I know of no one whom I so much wish to encounter," said Gradus. +His irritable temper, negligence in reading his briefs, and consummate +ignorance{2} in any thing beyond term-reports, renders him an easy +conquest to a quiet, learned, and comprehensive mind. The two former are +qualifications Gradus possesses in a very superior degree, and he proved +he was in no wise deficient in his opponent's great requisite; I +suppose we must call it confidence; but another phrase would be more +significant. Scarlett is a great tactician; and in defending his client, +never hesitates to take + + 1 We hear that an allusion in page 359 of this work has + been supposed to relate to a near relative of the respected + Chief Justice: if it bears any similitude, it is the effect + of accident alone; the portrait being drawn for another and + a very different person, as the reference to altitude might + have shown. + + 2 See the castigation he received in the Courier of Friday. + Dec. 10, 1824, for his total ignorance of the common terms + of art. + + "----that trick of courts to wear + Silk at the cost of flattery." + + _James Shirley's Poems_. + +~359~~what I should consider the most unfair, as they are ungentlemanly +advantages. But there + + "be they that use men's writings like brute beasts, to make + them draw which way they list." + + _T. Nash's Lenten Stuff_, 1599. + +His great success and immense practice at the bar is more owing to +the scarcity of silk-gowns{3} than the profundity of his talents. The +perpetual simper that plays upon his ruby countenance, when finessing +with a jury, has, no doubt, its artful effect; although it is as foreign +to the true feelings of the man, as the malicious grin of the malignant +satirist would be to generosity and true genius. Of his oratory, the +_aureum flumen orationis_ is certainly not his; and, if he begins a +sentence well, he seldom arrives at the conclusion on the same level: +he is always most happy in a reply, when he can trick his adversary +by making an abusive speech, and calling no witnesses to prove his +assertions. Our friend Gradus obtained a verdict, and after it the +congratulations of the court and bar, with whom Scarlett is, from his +superciliousness, no great favourite. Owen Feltham, in his Resolves, +well says, that "arrogance is a weed that ever grows upon a +dunghill."{4} The contrast between Scarlett and his great opponent, Mr. +Serjeant Copley, + + 3 Generally speaking, the management of two-thirds of the + business of the court is entrusted to _four silk-gowns_, and + about twice as many _worsted_ robes behind the bar. + + 4 An Impromptu written in the Court of King's Bench during a + recent trial for libel. + + The Learned Pig. + + "My learned Friend," the showman cries; + The pig assents--the showman lies; + So counsel oft address a brother + In flattering lie to one another; + Calling their friend some legal varlet, + Who lies, and bullies, till he's Scarlett. + +~360~~the present Attorney-General, is a strong proof of the truth of +this quotation. To a systematic and profound knowledge of the law, +this gentleman unites a mind richly stored with all the advantages of a +liberal education and extensive reading, not merely confined to the +dry pursuit in which he is engaged, but branching forth into the most +luxuriant and highly-cultivated fields of science and the arts. On this +account, he shines with peculiar brightness at _Nisi Prius_; and is as +much above the former in the powers of his mind and splendour of +his oratory, as he is superior to the presumptuousness of Scarlett's +vulgarity. Mr. Marryat is said to possess an excellent knowledge of +the heavy business of his profession; and it must be admitted, that his +full, round, heavy-looking countenance, and still heavier attempts at +wit and humour, admirably suit the man to his peculiar manner: after +all, he is a most persevering counsel; not deficient in good sense, +and always distinguished by great zeal for his client's interests. Mr. +Gurney is a steady, pains-taking advocate, considered by the profession +as a tolerable criminal lawyer, but never affecting any very learned +arguments in affairs of principles or precedents. In addressing a +jury, he is both perspicuous and convincing; but far too candid +and gentlemanly in his practice to contend with the trickery of +Scarlett.--Mr. Common-Serjeant Denman is a man fitted by nature for the +law. I never saw a more judicial-looking countenance in my life; there +is a sedate gravity about it, both "stern and mild," firm without +fierceness, and severe without austerity:--he appears thoughtful, +penetrating, and serene, yet not by any means devoid of feeling and +expression:--deeply read in the learning of his profession, he is +yet much better than a mere lawyer; for his speeches and manners must +convince his hearers that he is an accomplished gentleman. Of Brougham, +it may be justly said,~361~~ + + ----" his delights + Are dolphin-like; they show his back above + The elements he lives in:" + +his voice, manner, and personal appearance, are not the happiest; but +the gigantic powers of his mind, and the energy of his unconquerable +spirit, rise superior to these defects. His style of speaking is marked +by a nervous freedom of the most convincing character; he aims little at +refinement, and labours more to make himself intelligible than elegant. +In zeal for his clients, no man is more indefatigable; and he always +appears to dart forward with an undaunted resolution to overcome and +accomplish. But here I must stop sketching characters, and refer you +to a very able representation of the court, the bar, and jury, by +our friend Transit, in which are accurate likenesses of all I have +previously named, and also of the following worthies, Messrs. Raine, +Pollock, Ashworth, Courtney, Starkie, Williams, Parke, Rotch, Piatt, +Patterson, Raper, Browne, Lawrence, and Whately, to which are added some +whom-- + + "God forbid me if I slander them with the title of learned, + for generally they are not."--Nash's Lenten Stuff, 1599. + +[Illustration: page361] + +We were just clearing the steps of the court house, when a +jolly-looking, knowing sort of fellow, begged permission to speak to +Echo. A crimson flush o'erspread Tom's countenance in a moment. Transit, +who was down, as he phrased it, tipped me a wink; and although I had +never before seen either of the professional brothers-in-law, John Doe +and Richard Roe, the smart jockey-boots, short stick, sturdy appearance, +and taking manners of the worthy, convinced me at once, that our new +acquaintance was one or other of those well-known personages: to +be brief, poor Tom was arrested for a large sum by a Bond-street +hotel-keeper, who had trusted him somewhat too long. + +~362~~Arrangement by bail was impossible: this was a proceeding on a +judgment; and with as little ceremony, and as much _sang froid_ as +he would have entered a theatre, poor Tom was placed inside a hackney +coach, accompanied by the aforesaid personage and his man, and drove off +in apparent good spirits for the King's Bench Prison, where Transit and +myself promised to attend him on the morrow, employing the mean time in +attempting to free him from durance vile. It was about twelve at noon of +the next day, when Transit and myself, accompanied by Tom's creditor +and his solicitor, traversed over Waterloo Bridge, and bent our steps +towards the abode of our incarcerated friend. + + "The winds of March, with many a sudden gust, + About Saint George's Fields had raised the dust; + And stirr'd the massive bars that stand beneath + The spikes, that wags call _Justice Abbot's teeth_." + +The first glimpse of the Obelisk convinced us we had entered the +confines of _Abbot's Park_, as the rules are generally termed, for +here Bob recognised two or three among the sauntering rangers, whose +habiliments bore evidence of their once fashionable notoriety; + + "And still they seem'd, though shorn of many a ray, + Not less than some arch dandy in decay." + +"A very pretty _bit of true life_," said Bob; and out came the sketch +book to note them down, which, as we loitered forward, was effected in +his usual rapid manner, portraying one or two well-known characters; but +for their cognomens, misfortune claims exemption:--to them we say, + + "Thou seest thou neither art mark'd out or named, + And therefore only to thyself art shamed." + _J. Withers's Abuses strict and whipt_. + +~363~~ + +[Illustration: page363] + +To be brief, we found Echo, by the aid of the crier, safely tiled in at +ten in twelve, happy to all appearance, and perfectly domiciled, with +two other equally fresh associates. The creditor and his solicitor chose +to wait the issue of our proposition in the lobby; a precaution, as I +afterwards found, to be essentially necessary to their own safety; for, + + "He whom just laws imprison still is free + Beyond the proudest slaves of tyranny." + + + +Although I must confess the exhibition we had of _freedom in Banco +Regis_ was rather a rough specimen; a poor little limb of the law, who +had formerly been a leg himself, had, like other great lawyers, ratted, +and commenced a furious warfare upon some old cronies, for divers +penalties and perjuries, arising out of Greek prosecutions: too eager to +draw the blunt, he had been inveigled into the interior of the prison, +and there, after undergoing a most delightful pumping upon, ~364~~was +_rough-dried_ by being tossed in a blanket (see plate). + +[Illustration: page364] + +This entertainment we had the honour of witnessing from Echo's room +window; and unless the Marshal and his officers had interfered, I +know not what might have been the result. A very few words sufficed to +convince Tom of the necessity of yielding to his creditor's wishes. +A letter of licence was immediately produced and signed, and the +gay-hearted Echo left once more at liberty to wing his flight wherever +his fancy might direct. On our road home, it was no trifling amusement +to hear him relate + + "The customs of the place, + The manners of its mingled populace, + The lavish waste, the riot, and excess, + Neighbour'd by famine, and the worst distress; + The decent few, that keep their own respect, + And the contagion of the place reject; + The many, who, when once the lobby's pass'd, + Away for ever all decorum cast, + And think the walls too solid and too high, + To let the world behold their infamy." + +Ever on the alert for novelty, we hopped into and dined at the Coal Hole +Tavern in the Strand, certainly one of the best and cheapest ordinaries +in London, and the society not of the meanest. Rhodes himself is a +punster and a poet, sings a good song, and sells the best of wine; and +what renders mine host more estimable, is the superior manners of the +man. Here was congregated together a mixed, but truly merry company, +composed of actors, authors, reporters, clerks in public departments, +and half-pay officers, full of whim, wit, and eccentricity, which, when +the mantling bowl had circulated, did often "set the table in a roar." +In the evening, Transit proposed to us a visit to the Life Academy, +Somerset House, where he was an admitted student; but on trying the +experiment, was not able to effect our introduction: you must therefore +be content with ~365~~his sketch of the _true sublime_, in which he has +contrived to introduce the portraits of several well-known academicians +_(see plate)_. + +[Illustration: page365] + +Thus far Horatio Heartly had written, when the unexpected appearance +of Bernard Blackmantle in London cut short the thread of his narrative. +"Where now, mad-cap?" said the sincere friend of his heart: "what +unaccountable circumstance can have brought you to the village in term +and out of vacation?" "A very uncommon affair, indeed, for a young +author, I assure you: I have had the good fortune to receive a notice +from the managers of the two Theatres Royal, that my play is accepted at +Covent Garden, and my farce at Drury Lane, and am come up post-haste +to read them in the green rooms to-morrow, and take the town by storm +before the end of the next month." "It is a dangerous experiment," said +Horatio. "I know it," replied the fearless Bernard; "but he who fears +danger will never march on to fortune or to victory. I am sure I have a +sincere friend in Charles Kemble, if managerial influence can ensure the +success of my play; and I have cast my farce so strong, that even with +all Elliston's mismanagement, it cannot well fail of making a hit. _Nil +desperandum_ is my motto; so a truce with your friendly forebodings of +doubts, and fears, and critics' _scratches_; for I am determined 'to +seek the bubble reputation even in the cannon's mouth.'" Thus ended the +colloquy, and on the morning of the morrow Bernard was introduced, in +due form, to the _dramatis personae_ of the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden +(see plate). + +[Illustration: page366] + +There is as much difference between the rival companies of the two +patent theatres as there is between the habits and conduct of the +managers: in Covent Garden, the gentlemanly manners of Charles Kemble, +and his amiable desire to make all happy around him, has imparted +something of a kindred feeling to the ~366~~performers; and hence, +assisted by the friendly ancient Fawcett, the whole of the establishment +has all the united family feeling of a little commonwealth, struggling +to secure its independence and popularity. Here Bernard's reception was +every thing a young author could wish: kind attention from the company, +and considerative hints for the improvement of his play, accompanied +with the good wishes of all for its success, left an impression of +gratitude upon the mind of the young author, that gave fresh inspiration +to his talents, and increased his confidence in his own abilities. At +Drury Lane the case was far otherwise; and the want of that friendly +attention which distinguished the rival company proved very embarrassing +to the early buddings of dramatic genius. Perhaps a slight sketch of +the scene might not prove uninstructive to young authors, or fail in its +intended effect upon old actors. Reader, imagine Bernard Blackmantle, +an enthusiastic and eccentric child of Genius, seated at the green-room +table, reading his musical farce to the surrounding company, and then +judge what must be the effect of the following little scene. + + + + +PROGRAMME. + +Bernard Blackmantle reading; Mr. Elliston speaking to Spring, the +box-office keeper; and Mr. Winston in a passion, at the door, with the +master carpenter; Mr. Knight favouring the Author with a few new ideas; +and the whole company engaged in the most amusing way, making side +speeches to one another (see plate). + +DOWTON. 'Gad, renounce me--little valorous--d----d annoying, (_looking +at his watch_)--these long rehearsals always spoil my Vauxhall +dinner--More hints to the Author--better keep them for his next piece. + +~367~~MUNDEN (sputtering). My wigs and eyes--Dowton's a better part than +mine; I'll have a fit of the gout, on purpose to get out of it--that's +what I will. + +KNIGHT (to the Author). My dear boy, it strikes me that it might be much +improved. (Aside) Got an idea; but can't let him have it for nothing. + +HARLEY (to Elliston). If this piece succeeds, it can't be played every +night--let Fitz. understudy it--don't breakfast on beef-steaks, now. If +you wish to enjoy health--live at Pimlico--take a run in the parks--and +read Abernethy on constitutional origin. + +TERRY (to Mrs. Orger). It's a remarkable thing that the manager should +allow these d----d interruptions. If it was my piece, I would not suffer +it--that's my opinion. + +WALLACE (to himself). What a little discontented mortal that is!--it's +the best part in the piece, and he wishes it made still better. + +ELLISTON (awakening). Silence there, gentlemen, or it will be impossible +to settle this important point--and my property will, in consequence, be +much deteriorated. (Enter Boy with brandy and water.) Proceed, sir--(to +Author, after a sip)--Very spirited indeed. + +[Illustration: page367] + +Enter Sam. Spring, touching his hat. + +SPRING. Underline a special desire, sir, next week? Elliston. No, Sam., +I fear our special desires are nearly threadbare. + +Prompter's boy calling in at the door. Mr. Octavius Clarke would be glad +to speak with Mr. Elliston. + +ELLISTON. He be d----d! Silence that noise between Messrs. Winston and +Bunn--and turn out Waterloo Tom. + +MADAME VESTRIS. My dear Elliston, do you mean to keep us here all day? + +~368~~ELLISTON (whispering). I had rather keep you all night, madame. + +SHERWIN (to G. Smith). I wish it may be true that one of our comedians +is going to the other house; I shall then stand some chance for a little +good business--at present I have only two decent parts to my back. + +LISTON (as stiff as a poker). If I pass an opinion, I must have an +increase of salary; I never unbend on these occasions. + +MRS. ORGER (to the author). This part is not so good as Sally Mags. I +must take my friend's opinion in the city. + +MISS STEPHENS (laughing). I shall only sing one stanza of this +ballad--it's too sentimental. + +MISS SMITHSON (aside, but loud enough for the manager to hear). Ton my +honour, Mr. Elliston never casts me any thing but the sentimental dolls +and _la la_ ladies. + +G-- SMITH (in a full bass voice). Nor me any thing but the rough +cottagers and banditti men; but, never mind, my bass solo will do the +trick. + +GATTIE (yawning). I wish it was twelve o'clock, for I'm half asleep, and +I've made a vow never to take snuff before twelve; if you don't believe +me, ask Mrs. G. After the hit I made in Monsieur Tonson, it's d--d hard +they don't write more Frenchmen. + +MADAME VESTRIS. Mr. Author, can't you make this a breeches part?--I +shall be _all abroad_ in petticoats. + +BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. I should wish to be _at home_ with Madame Vestris. + +MRS. HARLOWE. Really, Mr. Author, this part of mine is a mere clod's +wife--nothing like so good as Dame Ashfield. Could not you introduce a +supper-scene? + +At length silence is once more obtained; the author finishes his task, +and retires from the _Green-room_ ~369~~looking as blue as Megrim, +and feeling as fretful as the renowned Sir Plagiary. Of the success or +failure of the two productions, I shall speak in the next volume; when I +propose to give the first night of a new play, with sketches of some +of the critical characters who usually attend. In the evening, Transit, +Echo, and Heartly enlisted me for the Lord Mayor's ball at the Mansion +House--a most delightful squeeze; and, it being during Waithman's +mayoralty, abounding with lots of character for my friend Bob; to +whose facetious pencil, I must at present leave the scene (see plate); +intending to be more particular in my civic descriptions, should I have +the honour of dining with the Corporation next year in their Guildhall. + +[Illustration: page369a] + +The wind-up of the term rendered it essentially necessary that I should +return to Oxford with all possible expedition, as my absence at such a +time, if discovered, might involve me in some unpleasant feeling with +the big wigs. Hither I arrived, in due time to save a lecture, and +receive an invitation to spend a few weeks in the ensuing year at +Cambridge, where my kind friend Horace Eglantine has entered himself +of Trinity; and by the way of inducement, has transmitted the +characteristic sketch of the notorious Jemmy Gordon playing off one +of his mad pranks upon the big wigs of Peter-House, (see plate) the +particulars of which, will, with more propriety, come into my sketches +at Cambridge. + +[Illustration: page369b] + +We are here all bustle--Scouts packing up and posting off to the +coach-offices with luggage--securing places for students, and afterwards +clearing places for themselves--Oxford Duns on the sharp look-out for +shy-ones, and pretty girls whimpering at the loss of their lovers--Dons +and Big wigs promising themselves temporal pleasures, and their +ladies reviling the mantua-makers for not having used sufficient +expedition--some taking their last farewell of _alma mater_, and others +sighing to behold the joyous faces of affectionate kindred and +early friends. Long ~370~~bills, and still _longer_ promises passing +currently--and the High-street exhibiting a scene of general confusion, +until the last coach rattles over Magdalen bridge, and Oxford tradesmen +close their _oaks_. + +Bernard Blackmantle. + +[Illustration: page370] + +TERM ENDS. + +CONCLUSION OF VOLUME ONE. + +[Illustration: page371] + + + + + +VOLUME II. + + +THE ENGLISH SPY + +AN ORIGINAL WORK, CHARACTERISTIC, SATIRICAL, AND HUMOROUS, COMPRISING +SCENES AND SKETCHES IN EVERY RANK OF SOCIETY, BEING PORTRAITS OF THE +ILLUSTRIOUS, EMINENT, ECCENTRIC AND NOTORIOUS + +DRAWN FROM THE LIFE + +By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE + +THE ILLUSTRATIONS DESIGNED + +BY ROBERT CRUIKSHANK + +VOL. II + +[Illustration: Spines] + + + By Frolic, Mirth, and Fancy gay, + Old Father Time is borne away. + +LONDON: + +PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, GILBERT, AND PIPER, + +PATERNOSTER-ROW. + +1826. + +LONDON. + +PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS + +[Illustration: Titlepage] + +[Illustration: Title2] + + + ILLUSTRATIONS IN THE ENGLISH SPY. + + to face page + I. + + A SHORT SET-TO AT LONG'S HOTEL; OR, + STOPFORD NOT GETTING THE BEST OF IT. 14 + + II. + + COURTIERS CAROUSING IN A CADGER'S KEN. 28 + + III. + + THE WAKE; OR, TEDDY O'RAFFERTY'S LAST + + APPEARANCE. A Scene in the Holy Land. 30 + + IV. + THE CYPRIAN'S BALL AT THE ARGYLL ROOM. 42 + + V. + + JOHN LISTON AND THE LAMBKINS; OR, THE + + CITIZEN'S TREAT. 57 + + VI. + + THE GREAT ACTOR; OR, MR PUNCH IN ALL HIS + + GLORY. 62 + + Amusements of the lower orders. Scene in Leicester-fields. + + VII. + + COLLEGE GHOSTS. 66 + + A Frolic of the Westminster Blacks. A Scene in Dean's + Yard. + + VIII. + + THE MARIGOLD FAMILY ON A PARTY OF PLEA- + SURE; OR, THE EFFECT OF A STORM IN THE + LITTLE BAY OF BISCAY, otherwise, CHELSEA + REACH. 68 + + Hints to Fresh Water Sailors, the Alderman and family + running foul of the Safety. A bit of Fun for the Westminster + Scholars. How to make Ducks and Geese swim after they + are cooked. Calamities of a Cit's Water Party to Richmond. + + IX. + THE EPPING HUNT ON EASTER MONDAY; OR, + COCKNEY COMICALITIES IN FULL CHASE. 73 + + Lots of Characters and Lots of Accidents, Runaways and + Fly-aways, No Goes and Out and Outers, the Flask and the + Foolish, Gibs, Spavins, Millers and Trumpeters. The Stag + against the Field. Bob Transit's Excursion with the Nacker + man. + + X. + + THE TEA-POT ROW AT HARROW; OR, THE BATTLE + + OF HOG LANE. 81 + + Harrow boys making a smash among the Crockery, a Scene + Sketched from the Life, dedicated to the Sons of Noblemen + and Gentlemen participators in the Sport. + + XI. + + THE CIT'S SUNDAY ORDINARY AT THE GATE + HOUSE, HIGHGATE; OR, EVERY HOG TO HIS + OWN APPLE. 89 + + Another Trip with the Marigold Family. Specimens of + Gormandizing. Inhabitants of Cockayne ruralizing. Cits and + their Cubs. Cutting Capers, a scramble for a Dinner. + + XII. + BULLS AND BEARS IN HIGH BUSTLE; OR, BILLY + WRIGHT'S PONY MADE A MEMBER OF THE + STOCK EXCHANGE. 124 + + Interior view of the Money Market. Portraits of well-known + Stock Brokers. A Scene Sketched from the Life. + + XIII. + + THE PROMENADE AT COWES. 162 + + With Portraits of noble Commanders and Members of the + Royal Yacht Club. + + XIV. + + THE RETURN TO PORT. 184 + + Sailors Carousing, or a Jollification on board the Piranga. + + XV. + + POINT STREET, PORTSMOUTH. 188 + + Chairing the Cockswain. British Tars and their Girls in + high Glee. + + XVI. + + EVENING AND IN HIGH SPIRITS, A SCENE AT + + LONG'S HOTEL, BOND-STREET. 192 + + Well-known Roues and their Satellites. Portraits from the + Life, including the Pea Green Hayne, Tom Best, Lord W. + Lennox, Colonel Berkeley, Mr. Jackson, White Headed Bob, + Hudson the Tobacconist, John Long, &c. &c. + + XVII. + + MORNING, AND IN LOW SPIRITS, A LOCK UP + SCENE IN A SPONGING HOUSE, CAREY STREET.-- + A BIT OF GOOD TRUTH. 206 + + For Particulars, see Work; or inquire of Fat Radford, the + Domini of the Domxts. + + XVIII. + + THE HOUSE OF LORDS IN HIGH DEBATE. 210 + + Sketched at the time when II. R. H. the Duke of York was + making his celebrated Speech upon the Catholic Question. + Portraits of the Dukes of York, Gloucester, Wellington, De- + vonshire, Marquesses of Anglesea and Hertford, Earls of Liver- + pool, Grey, Westmorland, Bathurst, Eldon, and Pomfret, + Lords Holland, King, Ellenborough, &c. &c. and the whole + Bench of Bishops. + + XIX. + + THE POINT OF HONOUR DECIDED; OR, THE LEADEN + + ARGUMENTS OF A LOVE AFFAIR. 214 + + View in Hyde Park. Tom Echo engaged in an affair of + honour. A Chapter on Duelling. + + XX. + THE GREAT SUBSCRIPTION ROOM AT BROOKES'S. 217 + + Opposition Members engaged upon Hazardous Points. Por- + traits of the Great and the Little well-known Parliamentary + Characters. + + XXI. + + THE EVENING IN THE CIRCULAR ROOM; OR, A + + SQUEEZE AT CARLTON PALACE. 219 + + Exquisites and Elegantes making their way to the Presence + Chamber. Portraits of Stars of Note and Ton, Blue Ribands + and Red Ribands, Army and Navy. + + XXII. + THE HIGH STREET, CHELTENHAM. 222 + + Well-known characters among the Chelts. + + XXIII. + GOING OUT. 226 + + A View of Berkeley Hunt Kennel. + + XXIV. + THE ROYAL WELLS AT CHELTENHAM; OR, SPAS- + MODIC AFFECTIONS FROM SPA WATERS. 245 + Chronic Affections and Cramp Comicalities. + + XXV. + + THE BAG-MEN'S BANQUET. 248 + + A View of the Commercial Room at the Bell Inn, Chelten- + ham. Portraits of well-known Travellers. + + XXVI. + + THE OAKLAND COTTAGES, CHELTENHAM; OR, FOX + HUNTERS AND THEIR FAVOURITES, A TIT BIT, + DONE FROM THE LIFE. 268 + + Dedicated to the Members of the Berkeley Hunt. + + XXVII. + + DONCASTER RACE COURSE DURING THE GREAT + + ST. LEGER RACE, 1825. 269 + + Well-known Heroes of the Turf. Legs and Loungers. + + XXVIII. + + THE COMICAL PROCESSION FROM GLOUCESTER + + TO BERKELEY. 288 + + XXIX. + + THE POST OFFICE, BRISTOL. 293 + + Arrival of the London Mail. Lots of News, and New + Characters. Portraits of well-known Bristolians. + + XXX. + FANCY BALL AT THE UPPER ROOMS, BATH. 302 + + XXXI. + THE PUMP ROOM, BATH. 311 + + Visitors taking a sip with King Bladud. + + XXXII. + + THE OLD BEAU AND FALSE BELLE; OR, MR. B. + + AND MISS L. 316 + + A Bath Story. + + XXXIII. + THE PUBLIC BATHS AT BATH; OR, STEWING + + ALIVE. 320 + + Bernard BlackmantlE and Bob Transit taking a Dip with + King Bladud. Union of the Sexes. Welsh Wigs and + Decency. No Swimming or Plunging allowed. + + XXXIV. + + MILSOM STREET AND BOND STREET, OR BATH + + SWELLS. 326 + + Well-known Characters at the Court of King Bladud. + + XXXV. + + THE BUFF CLUB AT THE PIG AND WHISTLE, + + AVON STREET, BATH. 332 + + A Bit of Real Life in the Territories of old King Bladud. + + XXXVI. + + THE BOWLING ALLEY AT WORCESTER; OR, THE + WELL-KNOWN CHARACTERS OF THE HAND AND + GLOVE CLUB. 335 + + + + + ENGRAVINGS ON WOOD. + + 1. The Gate House, Highgate, Citizens toiling up the Hill + to the Sunday Ordinary 109 + + 2. A Lame Duck waddling out of the Stock Exchange 139 + + 3. The Dandy Candy Man, a Cheltenham Vignette 283 + + 4. The Floating Harbour and Welsh Back, Bristol. 292 + + 5. Bath Market-place, with Portraits of the celebrated + Orange Women 295 + + 6. The Sporting Club at the Castle Tavern. Portraits of + Choice Spirits 300 + + 7. The Battle of the Chairs 306 + + 8. Vignette. Portraits of Blackmantle the English Spy, + and Transit 343 + + + + +THE ENGLISH SPY. + + Nor rank, nor order, nor condition, + Imperial, lowly, or patrician, + Shall, when they see this volume, cry, + "The satirist has pass'd us by:" + But, with good humour, view our page + Depict the manners of the age. + Vide Work. + + + + + +INTRODUCTION TO THE SECOND VOLUME. + +BERNARD BLACKMANTLE TO THE PUBLIC. + + "The Muse's office was by Heaven design'd + To please, improve, instruct, reform mankind." + --Churchill. + +Readers!--friends, I may say, for your flattering support has enabled me +to continue my Sketches of Society to a second volume with that prospect +of advantage to all concerned which makes labour delightful--accept this +fresh offering of an eccentric, but grateful mind, to that shrine where +alone he feels he owes any submission--the tribunal of Public Opinion. +In starting for the goal of my ambition, the prize of your approbation, +I have purposely avoided the beaten track of other periodical +writers, choosing for my subjects scenes and characters of real +life, transactions of our own times, _characteristic, satirical, and +humorous_, confined to no particular place, and carefully avoiding every +thing like personal ill-nature or party feeling. My associates, the +Artists and Publishers, are not less anxious than myself to acknowledge +their gratitude; and we intend to prove, by our united endeavours, how +highly we appreciate the extensive patronage we have already obtained. + +BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, + + + + +ODE, CONGRATULATORY AND ADVISIORY, + +TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. + +ON THE COMPLETION OF HIS FIRST VOLUME OF THE SPY. + + + "I smell a rat."--Book of Common Parlance. + + "More sinned against than sinning."--William Shakspeare. + + "The very _Spy_ o' the time."--Ibid. + + Well done, my lad, you've run on strong + Amidst the bustle of life's throng, + Nor thrown a _spavin_ yet; + You've gone at score, your pace has told; + I hope, my boy, your wind will hold-- + You've others yet to fret. + + You've told the town that you are _fly_ + To cant, and rant, and trickery; + And that whene'er you doze, + Like Bristol men, you never keep + But one eye closed--so you can tweak + E'en then a scoundrel's nose. + + Pull up, and rinse your mouth a bit; + It is hot work, this race of wit, + And sets the bellows piping; + Next Vol. you'll grind _the flats_ again, + And file the _sharps_ unto the grain, + Their very stomachs griping. + +~6~~ + + But why, good Bernard, do you dream + That we Reviewers scorn the cream{1} + Arising from your jokes? + Upon my soul, we love some fun + As well as any 'neath the sun, + Although we fight in cloaks. + + Heav'n help thee, boy, we are not they + Who only go to damn a play, + And cackle in the pit; + Like good Sir William Curtis{2} we + Can laugh at _nous_ and drollery, + Though of ourselves 'twere writ. + + Was yours but sky blue milk and water, + We'd hand you over to the slaughter + Of cow committee-men{3}; + For butterflies, and "such small deer," + Are much beneath our potent spear-- + The sharp gray goose-wing'd pen. + + 1 See my friend Bernard's _cracker_ to the reviewers in No. + 12, a perfect fifth of November bit of _firework_, I can + assure you, good people. But it won't go off with me without + a brand from the bonfire in return. "Bear this bear all." + + 2 Have you ever dared the "salt sea ocean," my readers, with + the alderman admiral? If not, know that he has as pretty a + collection of caricatures in his cabin, and all against his + own sweet self, as need be wished to heal sea-sickness. Is + not this magnanimity? I think so. The baronet is really "a + worthy gentleman." + + 3 Vide advertisements of "Alderney Milk Company." What + company shall we keep next, my masters? Mining companies, or + steam brick companies, or washing companies? How many of + them will be in the suds anon? Pshaw! throw physic to the + projectors--I prefer strong beer well hopped. + + But yours we feel is sterner stuff, + And though perchance _too much in huff_, + _More natural_ you will swear; + It really shows such game and pluck, + That we could take with you "pot luck," + And deem it decent fare. + + But, 'pon our _conscience_, bonny lad, + (We've got _some_, boy), it is too bad + So fiercely to show fight; + Gadzooks, 'tis time when comes the foe + To strip and sport a word and blow, + My dear pugnacious wight! + + 'Tis very wise, T own, to pull + Fast by the horns some butting bull, + When 'gainst yourself he flies; + But to attack that sturdy beast, + When he's no thoughts on you to feast, + Is very _otherwise_. + + But we'll forgive your paper balls, + Which on our jackets hurtless falls, + + Like hail upon a tower: + Pray put wet blankets on your ire; + Really, good sir, we've no desire + To blight so smart a flower. + + Well, then, I see no reason why + There should be war, good Mister Spy + So, faith! we'll be allies; + And if we must have fights and frays, + We'll shoot at pride and poppinjays, + + And folly as it flies. + There's field enough for both to _beat_ + Employment for our hands, eyes, feet, + To mark the quarry down, + _Black game_ and white game a full crop, + Fine birds, fine feathers for to lop, + In country and in town. + +~8~~ + + New city _specs_, new west-end rigs, + New gas-blown boots, new steam-curl'd wigs, + New fashionable schools, + New dandies, and new Bond-street dons, + And new intrigues, and new crim cons, + New companies of fools.{4} + + Maria Foote and Edmund Kean, + The "lions" just now of the scene, + Shall yield to newer fun; + For all our wonders at the best + Are cast off for a newer vest, + After a nine days' run. + + Old beaux at Bath, manoeuvring belles, + And pump-room puppies, Melsom swells, + And Mr. _Heaviside_,{5} + And Cheltenham carders,{6} every _runt_, + + 4 See note 3, page 6. + + 5 Mr. Heaviside, the polite M. C. of Bath. He has the finest + cauliflower head of hair I over remember; but it covers a + world of wit, for all that, and therefore however it may + appear, it certainly is not the heavy side of him. + + 6 Cards, cards, cards, nothing but cards from "rosy morn to + dewy eve" at the town of Cheltenham. Whist, with the sun + shining upon their sovereigns, one would think a sovereign + remedy for their waste of the blessed day--_ecarte_, whilst + the blue sky is mocking the blue countenances of your thirty + pound losers in as many seconds. Is it not marvellous? + Fathers, husbands, men who profess to belong to the Church. + By Jupiter! instead of founding the new university they talk + about, they had better make it for the pupilage of perpetual + card-players, and let them take their degrees by the + cleverness in odd tricks, or their ability in shuffling. "No + offence, Gregory." "No wonder they have their decrepit ones, + their ranters." + +~9~~ + + The playhouse, Berkeley, and "the hunt," + With Marshall{7} by their side. + + All these and more I should be loth + To let escape from one or both, + So saddle for next heat: + The bell is rung, the course is cleared, + Mount on your hobby, "nought afear'd," + _Black-jacket_ can't be beat. + + "Dum _spiro_ spero" shout, and ride + Till you have 'scalp'd old Folly's hide, + And none a kiss will waft her; + Bind all the fools in your new book, + That "I spy!" may lay my hook, + And d--n them nicely after. + + An Honest Reviewer.{8} + + Given at my friend, "Sir John Barleycorn's" + Chambers, Tavistock, Covent Garden, this the + 19th, day of February, 1825, "almost at odds + with morning." + + 7 Mr. Marshall, the M. C. of Cheltenham. "Wear him in your + heart's core, Horatio." I knew him well, a "fellow of + infinite jest." A long reign and a merry one to him. + + 8 My anonymous friend will perceive that I estimate his wit + and talent quite as much as his honesty: had he not been + such a _rara avis_ he would have been consigned to the "tomb + of all the Capulets." + + + + +CYTHEREAN BEAUTIES. + + "The trav'ller, if he chance to stray, + May turn uncensured to his way; + Polluted streams again are pure, + And deepest wounds admit a cure; + But woman no redemption knows-- + The wounds of honour never close." + --Moore. + +~10~~Tremble not, ye fair daughters of chastity! frown not, ye +moralists! as your eyes rest upon the significant title to our chapter, +lest we should sacrifice to curiosity the blush of virtue. We are +painters of real life in all its varieties, but our colouring shall +not be over-charged, or our characters out of keeping. The glare of +profligacy shall be softened down or so neutralized as not to offend the +most delicate feelings. In sketching the reigning beauties of the time, +we shall endeavour to indulge the lovers of variety without sacrificing +the fair fame of individuals, or attempting to make vice respectable. +Pleasure is our pursuit, but we are accompanied up the flowery ascent +by Contemplation and Reflection, two monitors that shrink back, like +sensitive plants, as the thorns press upon them through the ambrosial +beds of new-blown roses. In our record of the daughters of Pleasure, we +shall only notice those who are distinguished as _belles of ton--stars_ +of the first magnitude in the hemisphere of Fashion; and of these the +reader may say, with one or two exceptions, they "come like shadows, +so depart." We would rather excite sympathy and pity for the +~11~~unfortunate, than by detailing all we know produce the opposite +feelings of obloquy and detestation. + + "Unhappy sex! when beauty is your snare, + Exposed to trials, made too frail to bear." + +Then, oh! ye daughters of celestial Virtue, point not the scoffing +glance at these, her truant children, as ye pass them by--but pity, and +afford them a gleam of cheerful hope: so shall ye merit the protection +of Him whose chief attribute is charity and universal benevolence. And +ye, lords of the creation! commiserate their misfortunes, which owe +their origin to the baseness of the seducer, and the natural depravity +of your own sex. + + + + +LADIES OF DISTINCTION, + +"DANS LE PARTERRE DES IMPURES." + + "Simplex sigillum veri." + + "Nought is there under heav'n's wide hollowness + That moves more dear, compassion of the mind, + Than beauty brought t' unworthy wretchedness." + +~12~~If ever there was a fellow formed by nature to captivate +and conquer the heart of lovely woman, it is that arch-looking, +light-hearted Apollo, Horace Eglantine, with his soul-enlivening +conversational talents, his scraps of poetry, and puns, and fashionable +anecdote; his chivalrous form and noble carriage, joined to a +mirth-inspiring countenance and soft languishing blue eye, which sets +half the delicate bosoms that surround him palpitating between hope and +fear; then a glance at his well-shaped leg, or the fascination of an +elegant compliment, smilingly overleaping a pearly fence of more than +usual whiteness and regularity, fixes the fair one's doom; while the +young rogue, triumphing in his success, turns on his heel and plays +off another battery on the next pretty susceptible piece of enchanting +simplicity that accident may throw into his way. "Who is that attractive +star before whose influential light he at present seems to bow with +adoration?" "A _fallen one_," said Crony, to whom the question +was addressed, as he rode up the drive in Hyde Park, towards +Cumberland-gate, accompanied by Bernard Blackmantle. "A _fallen one_" +reiterated the Oxonian--"Impossible!" "Why, I have marked the fair +daughter of Fashion myself for the last fortnight constantly in the +drive with one of the most superb ~13~~equipages among the _ton_ of +the day." "True," responded Crony, "and might have done so for any +time these three years." In London these daughters of Pleasure are like +physicians travelling about to destroy in all sorts of ways, some +on foot, others on horseback, and the more finished lolling in their +carriages, ogling and attracting by the witchery of bright eyes; the +latter may, however, very easily be known, by the usual absence of all +armorial bearings upon the panel, the chariot elegant and in the newest +fashion, generally dark-coloured, and lined with crimson to cast a rich +glow upon the occupant, and the servants in plain frock liveries, with +a cockade, of course, to imply their mistresses have _seen service_. I +know but of one who sports any heraldic ornament, and that is the female +Giovanni, who has the very appropriate crest of a serpent coiled, and +preparing to spring upon its prey, _a la Cavendish_. The _elegante_ +in the dark _vis_, to whom our friend Horace is paying court, is the +_ci-devant_ Lady Ros--b--y, otherwise Clara W----. + +By the peer she has a son, and from the plebeian a pension of two +hundred pounds per annum: her origin, like most of the frail sisterhood, +is very obscure; but Clara certainly possesses talents of the first +order, and evinces a generosity of disposition to her sisters and +family that is deserving of commendation. In person, she is plump and +well-shaped, but of short stature, with a fine dark eye and raven locks +that give considerable effect to an otherwise interesting countenance. A +few years since she had a penchant for the stage, and played repeatedly +at one of the minor theatres, under the name of "The Lady;" a character +Clara can, when she pleases, support with unusual _gaiete_: instance her +splendid parties in Manchester-street, Manchester-square, where I have +seen a coruscation of beauties assembled together that must have made +great havoc in their time among the hearts of the young, the gay, +and the generous. Like ~14~~most of her society, Clara has no idea of +prudence, and hence to escape some pressing importunities, she levanted +for a short time to Scotland, but has since, by the liberal advances of +her present delusive, been enabled to quit the interested apprehensions +of the _Dun_ family. The swaggering belle in the green pelisse +yonder, on the _pave_, is the celebrated courtezan, Mrs. St*pf**d, of +Curzon-street, May-fair. How she acquired her present cognomen I know +not, unless it was for her _stopping_ accomplishment in the polite +science of pugilism and modern patter, in both of which she is a +finished proficient, as poor John D------, a dashing savoury chemist, +can vouch for. + +On a certain night, she followed this unfaithful swain, placing herself +(unknown to him) behind his carriage, to the house of a rival sister of +Cytherea, Mrs. St**h**e, and there enforced, by divers potent means, +due submission to the laws of Constancy and Love; but as such compulsory +measures were not in _good taste_ with the _protector's_ feelings, +the contract was soon void, and the lady once more liberated to choose +another and another swain, with a pension of two hundred pounds per +annum, and a well-furnished house into the bargain. She was formerly, +and when first she came out, the _chere amie_ of Tom B-----, who had, +in spite of his science recently, in a short affair at Long's hotel, not +much the Best of it. (See plate). + +[Illustration: page015] + +From him she bolted, and enlisted with an officer of the nineteenth +Lancers; but not liking the house of Montague, she obtained the Grant +of a furlough, and has since indulged in a plurality of lovers, without +much attention to size, age, persons, or professions. Of her talent in +love affairs, we have given some specimens; and her courage in war can +never be doubted after the formidable attack she recently made upon +General Sir John D***e, returning through Hounslow from a review, from +which _rencontre_ she has obtained the appropriate appellation of the +_Brazen ~15~~ Bellona_. A pretty round face, dark hair, and fine bushy +eyebrows, are no mean attractions; independent of which the lady is +always upon good terms with herself. The _belle whip_ driving the +cabriolet, with a chestnut horse and four white legs, is the _Edgeware +Diana_ Mrs. S***h, at present engaged in a partnership affair, in the +foreign line, with two citizens, Messrs O. R. and S.; the peepholes at +the side of her machine imply more than mere curiosity, and are said to +have been invented by General Ogle, for the use of the ladies when +on active service. The beautiful little Water Lily in the +chocolate-coloured chariot, with a languishing blue eye and alabaster +skin, is Mrs. Ha****y, otherwise K**d***k, of Gr--n-street, a great +favourite with all who know her, from the elegance of her manners and +the attractions of her person (being perfect symmetry); at present she +is under the _special protection_ of a city stave merchant, and has the +_reputation_ of being very sincere in her attachments. + +"You must have been a desperate fellow in your time, Crony," said I, +"among the belles of this class, or you could never have become so +familiar with their history." "It is the fashion," replied the veteran, +"to understand these matters; among the _bons vivants_ of the +present day a fellow would be suspected of _chastity_, or regarded as +_uncivilized_, who could not run through the history of the reigning +beauties of the times, descanting upon their various charms with +poetical fervor, or illuminating, as he proceeds, with some +choice anecdotes of the _Paphian divinities_, their protectors and +propensities; and to do the fair _Citherians_ justice, they are not much +behindhand with us in that respect, for the whole conversation of the +sisterhood turns upon the figure, fortune, genius, or generosity of +the admiring beaux. To a young and ardent mind, just emerging from +scholastic discipline, with feelings uncontaminated by ~16~~fashionable +levities, and a purse equal to all pleasurable purposes, a correct +knowledge of the mysteries of the _Citherian principles of astronomy_ +may be of the most essential consequence, not less in protecting his +_morals and health_ than in the preservation of life and fortune. One +half the duels, suicides, and _fashionable bankruptcies_ spring +from this polluted source. The stars of this order rise and fall in +estimation, become fixed planets or meteors of the most enchanting +brilliancy, in proportion not to the grace of modesty, or the +fascination of personal beauty, but to the notoriety and number of their +amours, and the peerless dignity of their plurality of lovers. + +"Place the goddess of Love on the pedestal of Chastity, in the sacred +recesses of the grove of Health, veiled by virgin Innocence, and robed +in celestial Purity, and who among the _cameleon_ race of fashionable +_roues_ would incur the charge of _Vandalism_, or turn aside to pay +devotion at her shrine? but let the salacious deity of Impurity mount +the car of Profligacy, and drive forth in all the glare of crimson and +gold, and a thousand devotees are ready to sacrifice their honour upon +her profligate altars, or chain themselves to her chariot wheels as +willing slaves to worship and adore." + +"Let us take another turn up the drive," said I, "for I am willing to +confess myself much interested in this _new system of astronomy_, and +perhaps we may discover a few more of the _terrestrial planets_, and +observe the _stars_ that move around their frail orbits." "I must first +make you acquainted with the signs of the _Paphian zodiac_," said Crony; +"for every one of these attractions have their peculiar and appropriate +fashionable appellations. I have already introduced you to the _Bang +Bantum_, Mrs Bertram; the _London Leda_, Moll Raffles; the _Spanish +Nun_, St. Margurite; the _Sparrow Hawk_, Augusta C****e{1}; the _Golden_ + + 1 See vol. i. + +~17~~_Pippin_, Mrs. C.; the _White Crow_, Clara W****; the _Brazen +Bellona_, Mrs. St**f**d; the _Edgeware Diana_, Mrs. S**th; and the +_Water Lily Symmeterian_, Ha**l*y--_all planets_ of the first order, +carriage curiosities. Let us now proceed to make further observations. +The _jolie_ dame yonder, in the phaeton, drawn by two fine bays, is +called the _White Doe_, from her first deer protector; and although +somewhat on the decline, she is yet an exhibit of no mean attraction, +and a lady of fortune. Thanks to the liberality of an old hewer of +stone, and the talismanic powers of the _golden Ball_, deserted by her +last swain since his marriage, she now reclines upon the velvet cushion +of Independence, enjoying in the Kilburn retreat, her _otium cum +dignitate_, secure from the rude winds of adversity, and in the +occasional society of a few old friends. The lovely Thais in the brown +chariot, with a fine Roman countenance, dark hair, and sparkling eyes, +is the favourite elect of a well-known whig member; here she passes by +the name of the _Comic Muse_, the first letter of which will also answer +for the leading initial of her theatrical cognomen. Her, private history +is well-known to every son of _old Etona_ who has taken a _toodle_ +over Windsor-bridge on a market-day within the last fifteen years, +her parents being market gardeners in the neighbourhood; and her two +unmarried sisters, both fine girls, are equally celebrated with the Bath +orange-women for the neatness of their dress and comeliness of their +persons. There is a sprightliness and good-humour about the _Comic +Muse_ that turns aside the shafts of ill-nature; and had she made her +selection more in accordance with propriety, and her own age, she might +have escaped our notice; but, alas!" said Crony, "she forgets that + + 'The rose's age is but a day; + Its bloom, the pledge of its decay, + Sweet in scent, in colour bright, + It blooms at morn and fades at night. + +~18~~At this moment a dashing little horsewoman trotted by in great +style, followed by a servant in blue and gold livery; her bust was +perfection itself, but studded with the oddest pair of _ogles_ in the +world, and Crony assured me (report said) her person was supported by +the shortest pair of legs, for an adult, in Christendom. "That is the +_queen_ of the _dandysettes_," said my old friend, "Sophia, Selina, or, +as she is more generally denominated, _Galloping_ W****y, from a _long +Pole_, who settled the interest of five thousand upon her for her +natural life; she is since said to have married her groom, with, +however, this prudent stipulation, that he is still to ride behind +her in public, and answer all demands in _propria persona_. She is +constantly to be seen at all masquerades, and may be easily known by her +utter contempt for the incumbrance of decent costume." "How d'ye do? How +d'ye do?" said a most elegant creature, stretching forth her delicate +white kid-covered arm over the _fenetre_ of Lord Hxxxxxxx*h's _vis a +vis_. "Ah! _bon jour, ma chere amie_," said old Crony, waving his hand +and making one of his best bows in return. "You are a happy dog," said +I, "old fellow, to be upon such pleasant terms with that divinity. No +plebeian blood there, I should think: a peeress, I perceive, by the +coronet on the panels." "_A peine cognoist, ou la femme et le melon_," +responded Crony, "you shall hear. Among the _ton_ she passes by the name +of Vestina the Titan, from her being such a finished tactician in the +campaigns of Venus;. her ordinary appellation is Mrs. St--h--pe: whether +this be a _nom de guerre or a nom de terre_, I shall not pretend to +decide; if we admit that _la chose est toute_, _et que la nom n'y fait +rien_, the rest is of no consequence. It would be an intricate task to +unravel the family web of our fashionable frail ones, although that of +many frail fashionables stands high in heraldry. The lady in question, +although in 'the sear o' the leaf,' is yet in high request; 'fat, fair, +and forty' shall I say? + +~19~~Alas! that would have been more suitable ten years since; but, +_n'importe_, she has the science to conceal the ravages of time, and +is yet considered attractive. No one better understands the art of +intrigue; and she is, moreover, a travelled dame, not deficient in +intellect, full of anecdote; and as _conjugation and declension_ go hand +in hand with some men of taste, she has risen into notice when others +usually decline. A sporting colonel is said to have formerly contributed +largely to her comforts, and her tact in matters of business is +notorious; about two hundred per annum she derived from the Stock +Exchange, and her present _peerless protector_ no doubt subscribes +liberally. To be brief, Laura has money in the funds, a splendid house, +carriage, gives her grand parties, and lives proportionably expensive +and elegant; yet with all this she has taken care that the age of gold +may succeed to the age of brass, that the retirement of her latter days +may not be overclouded by the storms of adversity. She had two sisters, +both gay, who formerly figured on the _pave_, Sarah and Louisa; but of +late they have disappeared, report says, to _conjugate_ in private. +Turn your eyes towards the promenade," said Crony, "and observe that +constellation of beauties, three in number, who move along _le verd +gazon_: they are denominated the _Red Rose_, the _Moss Rose_, and the +_Cabbage Rose_. The first is Rose Co*l**d, a dashing belle, who has +long figured in high life; her first appearance was in company with Lord +William F***g***ld, by whom she has a child living; from thence we +trace her to the protection of another peer, Lord Ty*****], and from him +gradually declining to the rich relative of a northern baronet, sportive +little Jack R*****n, whose favourite _lauda finem_ she continued for +some time; but as the law engrossed rather too much of her protector's +affairs, so the fair engrossed rather too much of the law; whether she +has yet given up ~20~~practice in the King's Bench I cannot determine, +but her appearance here signifies that she will accept a fee from any +side; Rose has long since lost every tint of the maiden's blush, and +is now in the full blow of her beauty and maturity, but certainly not +without considerable personal attractions; with some her _nom de guerre_ +is _Rosa longa_, and a wag of the day says, that Rose is a beauty in +_spite of her teeth_. The _Moss Rose_ has recently changed her cognomen +with her residence, and is now Mrs. F**, of Beaumout-street; she was +never esteemed a _planet_, and may be now said to have sunk into a +star of the second order, a little _twinkling light_, useful to assist +elderly gentlemen in finding their way to the Paphian temple. The +_Cabbage Rose_ is one of your vulgar beauties, ripe as a peach, and +rich in countenance as the ruby: if she has never figured away with the +peerage, she has yet the credit of being entitled to _three balls_ on +her coronet, and an _old uncle_ to support them: she has lately taken a +snug box in Park-place, Regent's-park, and lives in very good style. The +belle in the brown chariot, gray horses, and blue liveries is now the +lady of a baronet, and one of three _graceless graces_, the Elxxxxx's, +who, because their father kept a livery stable, must needs all go to +_rack_: she has a large family living by Mr. V*l*b***s, whom she left +for the honour of her present connexion. That she is married to the +baronet, there is no doubt; and it is but justice to add, she is one +among the many instances of such compromises in fashionable life who +are admitted into society upon sufferance, and falls into the class of +demi-respectables. Among the park beaux she is known by the appellation +of the _Doldrums_ her two sisters have been missing some time, and it +is said are now rusticating in Paris." My friend Eglantine had evidently +fled away with the white crow, and the fashionables were rapidly +decreasing in the drive, when Crony, whose scent of ~21~~dinner hour is +as staunch as that of an old pointer at game, gave evident symptoms +of his inclination to masticate. "We must take another opportunity to +finish our lecture on the principles of _Citherian astronomy_," said +the old beau, "for as yet we are not half through the list of +constellations. I have a great desire to introduce you to Harriette +Wilson and her sisters, whose true history will prove very entertaining, +particularly as the fair writer has altogether omitted the genuine +anecdotes of herself and family in her recently published memoirs." +At dinner we were joined by Horace Eglantine and Bob Transit, from the +first of whom we learned, that a grand fancy ball was to take place at +the Argyll Rooms in the course of the ensuing week, under the immediate +direction of four fashionable impures, and at the expense of General +Trinket, a broad-shouldered Milesian, who having made a considerable sum +by the commissariat service, had returned home to spend his +Peninsular pennies among the Paphian dames of the metropolis. For this +entertainment we resolved to obtain tickets, and as the ci-devant lady +H***e was to be patroness, Crony assured us there would be no difficulty +in that respect, added to which, he there promised to finish his +sketches of the Citherian beauties of the metropolis, and afford my +friend Transit an opportunity of sketching certain portraits both of +Paphians and their paramours. + +[Illustration: page021] + + + + +THE WAKE; + +OR, + +TEDDY O'RAFFERTY'S LAST APPEARANCE. + +A SCENE IN THE HOLY LAND. + +~22~~ + + 'Twas at Teddy O'Rafferty's wake, + Just to comfort ould Judy, his wife, + The lads of the hod had a frake. + And kept the thing up to the life. + There was Father O'Donahoo, Mr. Delany, + Pat Murphy the doctor, that rebel O'Shaney, + Young Terence, a nate little knight o' the hod, + And that great dust O'Sullivan just out o' quod; + Then Florence the piper, no music is riper, + To all the sweet cratures with emerald fatures + Who came to drink health to the dead. + Not Bryan Baroo had a louder shaloo + When he gave up his breath, to that tythe hunter death, + Than the howl over Teddy's cowld head: + 'Twas enough to have rais'd up a saint. + All the darlings with whiskey so faint, + And the lads full of fight, had a glorious night, + When ould Teddy was wak'd in his shed. + --Original. + +He who has not travelled in Ireland should never presume to offer an +opinion upon its natives. It is not from the wealthy absentees, who +since the union have abandoned their countrymen to wretchedness, for the +advancement of their own ambitious views, that we can form a judgment +of the exalted Irish: nor is it from the lowly race, who driven forth +by starving penury, crowd our more prosperous shores, ~23~~that we can +justly estimate the true character of the peasantry of that unhappy +country. The Memoirs of Captain Rock may have done something towards +removing the national prejudices of Englishmen; while the frequent and +continued agitation of that important question, the Emancipation of the +Catholics, has roused a spirit of inquiry in every worthy bosom that +will much advantage the oppressed, and, eventually, diffuse a more +general and generous feeling towards the Irish throughout civilized +Europe. I have been led into this strain of contemplation, by observing +the ridiculous folly and wasteful expenditure of the nobility and +fashionables of Great Britain; who, neglecting their starving tenantry +and kindred friends, crowd to the shores of France and Italy in search +of scenery and variety, without having the slightest knowledge of the +romantic beauties and delightful landscapes, which abound in the three +kingdoms of the Rose, the Shamrock, and the Thistle. How much good +might be done by the examples of a few illustrious, noble, and wealthy +individuals, making annual visits to Ireland and Scotland! what a field +does it afford for true enjoyment! how superior, in most instances, the +accommodations and security; and how little, if at all inferior, to the +scenic attractions of foreign countries. Then too the gratification +of observing the progress of improvement in the lower classes, of +administering to their wants, and consoling with them under their +patient sufferings from oppressive laws, rendered perhaps painfully +necessary by the political temperature of the times or the unforgiving +suspicions of the past. But I am becoming sentimental when I ought to be +humorous, contemplative when I should be characteristic, and seriously +sententious when I ought to be playfully satirical. Forgive me, gentle +reader, if from the collapse of the spirit, I have for a moment turned +aside from the natural gaiety of my ~24~~style, to give utterance to the +warm feelings of an eccentric but generous heart. But, _allons_ to the +wake. + +"Plaze ye'r honor," said Barney O'Finn (my groom of the chambers), "may +I be _axing_ a holiday to-night?" "It will be very inconvenient, Barney; +but------" "But, your honor's not the jontleman to refuse a small trate +o' the sort," said Barney, anticipating the conclusion of my objection. +There was some thing unusually anxious about the style of the poor +fellow's request that made me hesitate in the refusal. "It's not myself +that would be craving the favor, but a poor dead cousin o' mine, heaven +rest his sowl!" "And how can the granting of such a request benefit +your departed relation, Barney?" quoth I, not a little puzzled by +the strangeness of the application. "Sure, that's mighty _dare_ +of comprehension, your honor. Teddy O'Rafferty was my own mother's +brother's son, and devil o' like o' him there was in all Kilgobbin: we +went to ould Father O'Rourke's school together when we were spalpeens, +and ate our _paraters_ and butter-milk out o' the same platter; many's +the scrape we've been in together: bad luck to the ould schoolmaster, +for he flogged all the _larning_ out o' poor Teddy, and all the liking +for't out of Barney O'Finn, that's myself, your honor--so one dark night +we took advantage of the moon, and having joined partnership in property +put it all into a Limerick silk handkerchief, with which we made +the best of our way to Dublin, travelling stage arter stage by the +ould-fashioned conveyance, Pat Adam's ten-toed machine. Many's the drap +we got on the road to drive away care. All the wide world before us, and +all the fine family estate behind,--pigs, poultry, and relations,--divil +a tenpenny did we ever touch since. It's not your honor that will be +angry to hear a few family misfortins," said Barney, hesitating to +proceed with his narration, "Give me my hat, fellow," said ~25~~I, "and +don't torture me with your nonsense."-- "May be it an't nonsense your +honor means?" "And why not, sirrah?"--"Bekase it's not in your nature +to spake light o' the dead." Up to this point, my attention had been +divided between the Morning Chronicle which lay upon my breakfast table, +and Barney's comical relation; a glance at the narrator, however, as he +finished the last sentence, convinced me that I ought to have treated +him with more feeling. He was holding my hat towards me, when the pearly +drop of affliction burst uncontrollably forth, and hung on the side of +the beaver, like a sparkling crystal gem loosed from the cavern's +roof, to rest upon the jasper stone beneath. I would have given up my +Mastership of Arts to have recalled that word nonsense: I was so +touched with the poor fellow's pathos.--" Shall I tell your onor the +_partikilars_?" "Ay, do, Barney, proceed."--"Well, your onor, we worked +our way to London togither--haymaking and harvesting: 'Taste fashions +the man' was a saw of ould Father O'Rourke's; 'though divil a taste had +he, but for draining the whiskey bottle and bating the boys, bad luck to +his mimory! 'Is it yourself?' said I, to young squire O'Sullivan, from +Scullanabogue, whom good fortune threw in my way the very first day I +was in London.--'Troth, and it is, Barney,' said he: 'What brings you to +the sate of government?' 'I'm seeking sarvice and fortune, your onor,' +said I. 'Come your ways, then, my darling,' said he; and, without more +to do, he made me his _locum tenens_, first clerk, messenger, and man of +all work to a Maynooth Milesian. There was onor enough in all conscience +for me, only it was not vary profitable. For, altho' my master followed +the law, the law wouldn't follow him, and he'd rather more bags than +briefs:--the consequence was, I had more banyan days than the man in the +wilderness. Divil a'care, I got a character by my conduct, and a good +place when I left him, as your ~26~~govonor can testify. As for poor +Teddy, divil a partikle of taste had he for fashionable life, but a +mighty pratty notion of the arts, so he turned operative arkitekt; +engaged himself to a layer of bricks, and skipped nimbly up and down a +five story ladder with a long-tailed box upon his shoulder--pace be to +his ashes! He was rather too fond of the _crature_--many's the slip he +had for his life--one minute breaking a jest, and the next breaking a +joint; till there wasn't a sound limb to his body. Arrah, sure, it +was all the same to Teddy--only last Monday, he was more elevated than +usual, for he had just reached the top of the steeple of one of the new +churches with a three gallon can of beer upon his _knowledge-box_, and, +perhaps a little too much of the _crature_ inside o! it. 'Shout, Teddy, +to the honour of the saint,' said the foreman of the works (for they +had just completed the job). Poor Teddy's religion got the better of +his understanding, for in shouting long life to the dedicatory saint, he +lost his own--missed his footing, and pitched over the scaffold like an +odd chimney-pot in a high wind, and came down smash to the bottom with +a head as flat as a bump. Divil a word has he ever spake since; for when +they picked him up, he was dead as a Dublin bay herring--and now he +lies in his cabin in Dyot-street, St. Giles, as stiff as a poker,--and +to-night, your onor, we are going to _wake_ him, poor sowl! to smoke a +pipe, and spake an _horashon_ over his corpse before we put him dacently +to bed with the shovel. Then, there's his poor widow left childless, and +divil a rap to buy paraters wid--bad luck to the eye that wouldn't drap +a tear to his mimory, and cowld be the heart that refuses to comfort +his widow!" Here poor Barney could no longer restrain his feelings, +and having concluded the family history, blubbered outright. It was a +strange mixture of the ludicrous and the sorrowful; but told with such +an artless simplicity and genuine traits of feeling, that I would +have defied the most ~27~~volatile to have felt uninterested with the +speaker. "You shall go, by all means, Barney," said I: "and here is +a trifle to comfort the poor widow with." "The blessings of the whole +calendar full on your onor!" responded the grateful Irishman. What +a scene, thought I, for the pencil of my friend Bob Transit!"Could a +stranger visit the place," I inquired, without molestation or the +charge of impertinence, Barney?" "Divil a charge, your onor; and as +to impertinence, a wake's like a house-warming, where every guest is +welcome." With this assurance, I apprised Barney of my intention to +gratify curiosity, and to bring a friend with me; carefully noted down +the direction, and left the grateful fellow to pursue his course. + +The absurdities of funeral ceremonies have hitherto triumphed over the +advances of civilization, and in many countries are still continued with +almost as much affected solemnity and ridiculous parade as distinguished +the early processions of the Pagans, Heathens, and Druids. The honours +bestowed upon the dead may inculcate a good moral lesson upon the minds +of the living, and teach them so to act in this life that their cold +remains may deserve the after-exordium of their friends; but, in most +instances, funeral pomp has more of worldly vanity in it than true +respect, and it is no unusual circumstance in the meaner ranks of +life, for the survivors to abridge their own comforts by a wasteful +expenditure and useless parade, with which they think to honour the +memory of the dead. The Egyptians carry this folly perhaps to the most +absurd degree; their catacombs and splendid tombs far outrivalling the +habitations of their princes, together with their expensive mode +of embalming, are with us matters of curiosity, and often induce a +sacrilegious transfer of some distinguished mummy to the museums of the +connoisseur. The Athenians, Greeks, and Romans, had each their peculiar +funeral ceremonies in the exhumation, ~28~~sacrifices, and orations +performed on such occasions; and much of the present customs of the +Romish church are, no doubt, derivable from and to be traced to these +last-mentioned nations. In the present times, no race of people are +more superstitious in their veneration for the ancient customs of their +country and funeral rites, than the lower orders of the Irish, and that +folly is often carried to a greater height during their domicile in this +country than when residing at home. + +It was about nine o'clock at night when Eglantine, Transit, and myself +sallied forth to St. Giles's in search of the wake, or, as Bob called +it, on a crusade to the holy land. Formerly, such a visit would have +been attended with great danger to the parties making the attempt, from +the number of desperate characters who inhabited the back-slums lying +in the rear of Broad-street: where used to be congregated together, +the most notorious thieves, beggars, and bunters of the metropolis, +amalgamated with the poverty and wretchedness of every country, but more +particularly the lower classes of Irish, who still continue to exist +in great numbers in the neighbourhood. Here was formerly held in a +night-cellar, the celebrated Beggars' Club, at which the dissolute Lord +Barrymore and Colonel George Hanger, afterwards Lord Coleraine, are said +to have often officiated as president and vice-president, attended by +their profligate companions, and surrounded by the most extraordinary +characters of the times; the portraits and biography of whom may be seen +in Smith's 'Vagabondiana,' a very clever and highly entertaining work. +It was on this spot that George Parker collected his materials for +'Life's Painter of Variegated Characters,' and among its varieties, that +Grose and others obtained the flash and patter which form the cream of +their humorous works. Formerly, the Beggars' ordinary, held in a cellar +was a scene worthy ~29~~of the pencil of a Hogarth or a Cruikshank; +notorious impostors, professional paupers, ballad-singers, and blind +fiddlers might here be witnessed carousing on the profits of mistaken +charity, and laughing in their cups at the credulity of mankind; but +the police have now disturbed their nightly orgies, and the Mendicant +Society ruined their lucrative calling. The long table, where the +trenchers consisted of so many round holes turned out in the plank, and +the knives, forks, spoons, candle-sticks, and fire-irons all chained +to their separate places, is no longer to be seen. The night-cellar yet +exists, where the wretched obtain a temporary lodging and straw bed at +twopence per head; but the Augean stable has been cleansed of much of +its former impurities, and scarce a vestige remains of the disgusting +depravity of former times. + +[Illustration: page029] + +A little way up Dyot-street, on the right hand from Holborn, we +perceived the gateway to which Barney had directed me, and passing under +it into a court filled with tottering tenements of the most wretched +appearance, we were soon attracted to the spot we sought, by the clamour +of voices apparently singing and vociferating together. The faithful +Barney was ready posted at the door to receive us, and had evidently +prepared the company to show more than usual respect. An old building +or shed adjoining the deceased's residence, which had been used for +a carpenter's shop, was converted for the occasion from its general +purpose to a melancholy hall of mourning. At one end of this place +was the corpse of the deceased, visible to every person from its +being placed on a bed in a sitting posture, beneath a tester of ragged +check-furniture; large sheets of white linen were spread around the +walls in lieu of tapestries, and covered with various devices wrought +into fantastic images of flowers, angels, and seraphim. A large, +fresh-gathered posy in the bosom of the deceased had a most striking +effect, when contrasted ~30~~with the pallidness of death; over the +lower parts of the corpse was spread a counterpane, covered with roses, +marigolds, and sweet-smelling flowers; whilst on his breast reposed the +cross, emblematical of the dead man's faith; and on a table opposite, +at the extreme end, stood an image of our Redeemer, before which burned +four tall lights in massive candlesticks, lent by the priest upon such +occasions to give additional solemnity to the scene. There is something +very awful in the contemplation of death, from which not even the +strongest mind can altogether divest itself. But at a _wake_ the solemn +gloom which generally pervades the chamber of a lifeless corpse is +partially removed by the appearance of the friends of the deceased +arranged around, drinking, singing, and smoking tobacco in profusion. +Still there was something unusually impressive in observing the poor +widow of O'Rafferty, seated at the feet of her deceased lord with an +infant in her arms, and all the appearance of a heart heavily charged +with despondency and grief. An old Irishwoman, seated at the side of +the bed, was making the most violent gesticulations, and audibly calling +upon the spirit of the departed "to see how they onor'd his mimory," +raising the cross before her, while two or three others came up to the +head, uttered a short prayer, and then sat down to drink his sowl out of +purgation. (See Plate.) + +[Illustration: page030] + +But the most extraordinary part of the ceremony was the _howl_, or +oration spoken over the dead man by a rough-looking, broad-shouldered +Emeralder, who descanted upon his virtues as if he had been an hero of +the first magnitude, and invoked every saint in the calendar to free +the departed from perdition. For some time decorum was pretty well +preserved; but on my friends Bob Transit and Horace Eglantine sending +Barney out for a whole gallon of whiskey, and a proportionate quantity +of pipes and tobacco, the dull scene of silent meditation ~31~~gave way +to sports and spree, more accordant with their feelings; and the kindred +of the deceased were too familiar with such amusements to consider them +in any degree disrespectful. There is a volatile something in the +Irish character that strongly partakes of the frivolity of our Gallic +neighbours; and it is from this feature that we often find them gay +amidst the most appalling wants, and humorous even in the sight of cold +mortality. A song was soon proposed, and many a ludicrous stave sung, +as the inspiring cup made the circle of the company. "Luke Caffary's +Kilmainham Minit," an old flash chant, and "The Night before Larry was +stretched," were among the most favourite ditties of the night. A verse +from the last may serve to show their _peculiar_ character. + + "The night before Larry was stretch'd, + + The boys they all paid him a visit; + And bit in their sacks too they fetch'd, + + They sweated their duds till they riz it. + For Larry was always the lad, + + When a friend was condemn'd to the squeezer. + But he'd fence all the foss that he had + + To help a poor friend to a sneezer, + And moisten his sowl before he died." + +Ere eleven o'clock had arrived, the copious potations of whiskey and +strong beer, joined to the fumes of the tobacco, had caused a powerful +alteration in the demeanor of the assembled group, who now became +most indecorously vociferous. "By the powers of Poll Kelly!" said the +raw-boned fellow who had howled the lament over the corpse, "I'd be +arter making love to the widow mysel', only it mightn't be altogether +dacent before Teddy's put out o' the way." "You make love to the widow!" +responded the smart-looking Florence M'Carthy; "to the divil I pitch +you, you bouncing bogtrotter! it's myself alone that will have that +onor, bekase Teddy O'Rafferty wished me to take his wife as a legacy. +'It's all I've got, Mr. Florence,' ~32~~said he to me one day, 'to lave +behind for the redemption of the small trifle I owe you.'" "It aint the +like o' either of you that will be arter bamboozling my cousin, Mrs. +Judy O'Rafferty, into a blind bargain," said Barney O'Finn; in whose +noddle the whiskey began to fumigate with the most valorous effect. +"You're a noble-spirited fellow, Barney," said Horace Eglantine, who was +using his best exertions to produce a _row_. "At them again, Barney, and +tell them their conduct is most indecent." Thus stimulated and prompted, +Barney was not tardy in re-echoing the charge; which, as might have been +expected, produced an instantaneous explosion and general battle. In +two minutes the company were thrown into the most appalling scene of +confusion--chairs and tables upset, bludgeons, pewter pots, pipes, +glasses, and other missiles flying about in all directions, until broken +heads and shins were as plentiful as black eyes, and there was no lack +of either--women screaming and children crying, making distress more +horrible. In this state of affairs, Bob Transit had climbed up and +perched himself upon a beam to make observations; while the original +fomenter of the strife, that mad wag Eglantine, had with myself made our +escape through an aperture into the next house, and having secured +our persons from violence were enabled to become calm observers of the +affray, by peeping through the breach by which we had entered. In the +violence of the struggle, poor Teddy O'Rafferty was doomed to experience +another upset before his remains were consigned to the tomb; for just at +the moment that a posse of watchmen and night-constables arrived to +put an end to the broil, such was the panic of the assailants that in +rushing towards the bed to conceal themselves from the _charlies_, they +tumbled poor Teddy head over heels to the floor of his shed, leaving +his head's antipodes sticking up where his head should have been; a +~33~~circumstance that more than any thing else contributed to appease +the inflamed passions of the group, who, shocked at the sacrilegious +insult they had committed, immediately sounded a parley, and united to +reinstate poor Teddy O'Rafferty in his former situation. This was the +signal for Horace and myself to proceed round to the front door, and +pretending we were strangers excited by curiosity, succeeded, by a +little well-timed flattery and a small trifle to drink our good healths, +in freeing the assailants from all the horrors of a watch-house, and +eventually of restoring peace and unanimity. It was now past midnight; +leaving therefore poor Barney O'Finn to attend mass, and pay the last +sad tribute to his departed relative, on the morning of the morrow +we once more bent our steps towards home, laughing as we went at the +strange recollections of the wake, the row, and last appearance of Teddy +O'Rafferty.{1} + +REQUIESCAT IN PACE. + + 1 As the reader might not think this story complete without + gome account of the concluding ceremonies, I have + ascertained from Barney that his cousin Teddy was quietly + borne on the shoulders of his friends to the church of St. + Paneras, where he was safely deposited with his mother- + earth, a bit of a bull, by the by; and after the mourners + had made three circles round his ashes, and finished the + ceremony by a most delightful howl and prayers said over the + crossed spades, they all retired peaceably home, moderately + laden with the juice of the _crature_. + +[Illustration: page033] + + + + +THE CYPRIAN'S BALL, + +OR + +Sketches of Characters + +AT THE VENETIAN CARNIVAL. + +Scene.--Argyll Rooms. + +~34~~ + +"Hymen ushers the lady Astrea, + + The jest took hold of Latona the cold, + Ceres the brown, with bright Cytherea, + Thetis the wanton, Bellona the bold; + Shame-faced Aurora + With witty Pandora, + And Maia with Flora did company bear;" + (And many 'tis stated + Went there to be mated, + Who all their lives have been hunting the fair. ) + + Blackmantle, Transit, Eglantine, and Crony's Visit to the + Venetian Carnival--Exhibits--Their Char-acters drawn from + the Life--General Trinket, the M.C.--Crony's singidar + Anecdote of the great Earl of Chesterfield, and Origin of + the Debouchettes--The Omissions in the Wilson Memoirs + supplied--Biographical Reminiscences of the Amiable Mrs. + Debouchette--Harriette and lier Sisters--Amy--Mary--Fanny-- + Julia--Sophia--Charlotte and Louisa--Paphians and their + Paramours--Peers and Plebeians--The Bang Bantam--London Leda + --Spanish Nun--Sparrow Hawk--Golden Pippin--White Crow-- + Brazen Bellona--Edgeware Diana + +~35~~ + + Water Lily--White Doe--Comic Muse--Queen of the + Dansysettes--Vestina the Titan--The Red Rose--Moss Rose and + Cabbage Rose--The Doldrum Stars of Erin--Wren of Paradise-- + Queen of the Amazons--Old Pomona--Venus Mendicant--Venus + Callypiga--Goddess of the Golden Locks--Mocking Bird--Net + Perdita--Napoleon Venus--Red Swan--Black Swan--Blue-eyed + Luna--Tartar Sultana The Bit of Rue--Brompton Ceres-- + Celestina Conway--Lucy Bertram--Water Wagtail--Tops and + Bottoms--The Pretenders--The Old Story--Lady of the Priory-- + Little White Morose--Queen of Trumps--Giovanni the Syren, + with Ileal Names "unexed--Original Portraits and Anecdotes + of the Dukes of M------and D------, Marquisses II------ and + II ----, Earls W------, F------, and C------, Lords + P------, A------, M------, and N------, llonourables + B------c, L------s, and F------s--General Trinket--Colonel + Caxon--Messrs. II--b--h, R------, D------, and B------, + and other Innumerables. + +It was during the fashionable season of the year 1818, when Augusta +Corri, _ci-devant_ Lady Hawke,{1} shone forth under her newly-acquired +title a planet of the first order, that a few amorous noblemen and +wealthy dissolutes, ever on the _qui vive_ for novelty, projected and +sanctioned the celebrated Venetian carnival given at the Argyll-rooms +under the patronage of her ladyship and four other equally celebrated +courtezans. Of course, the female invitations were confined exclusively +to the sisterhood, but restricted to the planets and stars of Cytherea, +the carriage curiosities, and fair impures of the most dashing order and +notoriety; and never were the revels of Terpsichore kept up with more +spirit, or graced with a more choice collection of beautiful, ripe, and +wanton fair ones. + + 1 In page 315 of our first volume we have given a brief + biographical sketch of her ladyship and her amours. + +~36~~Nor was there any lack of distinguished personages of the other +sex; almost all the leading _roues_ of the day being present, from Lord +p******** Tom B***, including many of the highest note in the peerage, +court calendar, and army list. The elegance and superior arrangement of +this Cytherean _fete_ was in the most exquisite taste; and such was the +number of applications for admissions, and the reported splendour of the +preparations, that great influence in a certain court was necessary to +insure a safe passport into the territories of the Paphian goddess. The +enormous expense of this act of folly has been estimated at upwards +of two thousand pounds; and many are the dupes who have been named as +bearing proportions of the same, from a royal duke to a Hebrew star of +some magnitude in the city; but truth will out, and the ingenuity of +her ladyship in raising the wind has never been disputed, if it has +ever been equalled, by any of her fair associates. The honour of the +arrangement and a good portion of the expense were, undoubtedly, borne +by a broad-shouldered Milesian commissary-general, who has since figured +among the ton under the quaint cognomen of General Trinket, from his +penchant for filling his pockets with a variety of cheap baubles, for +the purpose of making presents to his numerous Dulcineas; a trifling +extravagance, which joined to his attachment to _rouge et noir_ has +since consigned him to durance vile. The general is, however, certainly +a fellow of some address, and, as a master of the ceremonies, deserves +due credit for the superior genius he on that occasion displayed. + +During dinner, Crony had been telling us a curious anecdote of the +great Earl of Chesterfield and Miss Debouchette, the grandmother of +the celebrated courtezans, Harriette Wilson and sisters. "At one of the +places of public entertainment at the Hague, a very beautiful girl of +the name of Debouchette, who ~37~~acted as _limonadiere_, had attracted +the notice of a party of English noblemen, who were all equally anxious +to obtain so fair a prize. Intreaties, promises of large settlements, +and every species of lure that the intriguers could invent, had +been attempted and played off without the slightest success; the fair +_limonadiere_ was proof against all their arts. In this state of +affairs arrived the then elegant and accomplished Earl of Chesterfield, +certainly one of the most attractive and finished men of his time, but, +without doubt, equally dissipated, and notorious for the number of his +amours. Whenever a charming girl in the humbler walks of life becomes +the star of noble attraction and the reigning toast among the _roues_ +of the day, her destruction may be considered almost inevitable. The +amorous beaux naturally inflame the ardour of each other's desires by +their admiration of the general object of excitement; until the honour +of possessing such a treasure becomes a matter of heroism, a prize for +which the young and gay will perform the most unaccountable prodigies, +and, like the chivalrous knights of old, sacrifice health, fortune, and +eventually life, to bear away in triumph the fair conqueror of +hearts. Such was the situation of Miss Debouchette, when the Earl of +Chesterfield, whose passions had been unusually inflamed by the current +reports of the lady's beauty, found himself upon inspection that her +attractions were irresistible, but that it would require no unusual +skill to break down and conquer the prudence and good sense with which +superior education had guarded the mind of the fair _limonadiere_. To +a man of gallantry, obstacles of the most imposing import are mere +chimeras, and readily fall before the ardour of his impetuosity; 'faint +heart never won fair lady,' is an ancient but trite proverb, that always +encourages the devotee. The earl had made a large bet that he would +carry off the lady. In ~38~~England, among the retiring and the most +modest of creation's lovely daughters, his success in intrigues had +become proverbial; yet, for a long time, was he completely foiled by the +fair Debouchette. No specious pretences, nor the flattering attentions +of the most polished man in Europe, could induce the lady to depart from +the paths of prudence and of virtue; every artifice to lure her into +the snare of the seducer had been tried and found ineffectual, and his +lordship was about to retire discomfited and disgraced from the scene +of his amorous follies, with a loss of some thousands, the result of +his rashness and impetuosity, when an artifice suggested itself to the +fertile brain of his foreign valet, who was an experienced tactician in +the wars of Venus. This was to ascertain, if possible, in what part +of the mansion the lady slept; to be provided with a carriage and +four horses, and in the dead of the night, with the assistance of two +ruffians, to raise a large sheet before her window dipt in spirits, +which being lighted would burn furiously, and then raising the cry of +fire, the fair occupant would, of course, endeavour to escape; when the +lover would have nothing more to do than watch his opportunity, seize +her person, and conveying it to the carriage in waiting, drive off +secure in his victory. The scheme was put in practice, and succeeded to +the full extent of the projector's wishes; but the affair, which made +considerable noise at the time, and was the subject of some official +remonstrances, had nearly ended in a more serious manner. The brother of +the lady was an officer in the army, and both the descendants of a poor +but ancient family; the indignity offered to his name, and the seduction +of his sister, called forth the retributive feelings of a just revenge; +he sought out the offender, challenged him, but gave him the option of +redeeming his sister's honour and his own by marriage. Alas! that +was impossible; the earl was already engaged. A meeting took place, +~39~~when, reflection and good sense having recovered their influence +over the mind of the dissipated lover, he offered every atonement in his +power, professed a most unlimited regard for the lady, suggested that +his destruction would leave her, in her then peculiar state, exposed to +indigence, proposed to protect her, and settle an annuity of two hundred +pounds per annum upon her for her life; and thus circumstanced the +brother acceded, and the affair was, by this interposition of the +seconds, amicably arranged. There are those yet living who remember the +fair _limonadiere_ first coming to this country, and they bear testimony +to her superior attractions. The lady lived for some years in a state +of close retirement, under the protection of the noble earl, in the +neighbourhood of Chelsea, and the issue of that connexion was a natural +son, Mr. Debouchette, whom report states to be the father of Harriette +Wilson and her sisters. + + 'Ere man's corruptions made him wretched, he + Was born most noble, who was born most free.' + --Otway. + +So thought young Debouchette; for a more wild and giddy fellow.in early +life has seldom figured among the medium order of society. Whether the +mother of the Cyprians was really honoured with the ceremony of the +ritual, I have no means of knowing," said Crony; "but I well remember +the lady, before these her beauteous daughters had trodden the slippery +paths of pleasure: there was a something about her that is undefinable +in language, but conveys to the mind impressions of no very pure +principles of morality; a roving eye, salacious person, and swaggering +carriage, with a most inviting condescension, always particularized the +elder silk-stocking grafter of Chelsea, while yet the fair offspring of +her house were lisping infants, innocent and beautiful as playful lambs. +Debouchette himself was a right jolly fellow, careless of domestic +~40~~happiness, and very fond of his bottle; and indeed that was +excusable, as during a long period of his life he was concerned in the +wine trade. To the conduct and instructions of the mother the daughters +are indebted for their present share of notoriety, with all the +attendant infamy that attaches itself to Harriette and her sisters:--and +this perhaps is the reason why Mrs. Rochford, alias Harriette Wilson, so +liberally eulogises, in her Memoirs, a parent whose purity of principle +is so much in accordance with the exquisite delicacy of her accomplished +daughter. As the girls grew up, they were employed, Amy and Harriette, +at their mother's occupation, the grafting of silk stockings, while the +junior branches of the family were operative clear starchers, as the +old board over the parlour window used to signify, which Brummel would +facetiously translate into getters up of fine linen, when Petersham +did him the honour of driving him past the door, that he might give +his opinion upon the rising merits of the family, who, like fragrant +exotics, were always placed at the window by their judicious parent, to +excite the attention of the curious. But, allons" said Crony, "we shall +be late at the carnival, and I would not miss the treat of such an +assemblage for the honour of knighthood." + +A very few minutes brought Transit, Eglantine, Crony, and myself, within +the vortex of this most seductive scene. Waltzing was the order of the +night-- + + "Endearing waltz! to thy more melting tune + Bow Irish jig and ancient rigadoon; + Scotch reels avaunt! and country dance forego + Your future claims to each fantastic toe. + Waltz--Waltz alone both legs and arms demands, + Liberal of feet and lavish of her hands. + Hands, which may freely range in public sight, + Where ne'er before--but--pray 'put out the light.'" + +A coruscation of bright eyes and beauteous forms shed a halo of delight +around, that must have warmed the cyprian's ball ~41~~the heart and +animated the pulse of the coldest stoic in Christendom. The specious M. +C, General O'M***a, introduced us in his best style, quickly bowing each +of us into the graces of some fascinating fair, than whom + + "Not Cleopatra on her galley's deck + Display'd so much of leg or more of neck." + +For myself, I had the special honour of being engaged to the Honourable +Mrs. J-- C******y, otherwise Padden, who, whatever may have been her +origin,{2} has certainly acquired the ease and elegance of + + 2 Mrs. Padden is said to have been originally a servant-maid + at Plymouth, and the victim of early seduction. When very + young, + +coming to London with her infant in search of a Captain D----- in the +D--------e Militia, her first but inconstant swain, chance threw her +in her abandoned condition into the way of Colonel C-----, who was much +interested by her tale of sorrow, and more perhaps by her then lovely +person, to obtain possession of which, he took a house for her, +furnished it, and (as the phrase is) _set her up_. How long the duke's +_aide-de-camp_ continued the favourite lover is not of any consequence; +but both parties are known to have been capricious in _affaires de +cour_. Her next acknowledged protector was the light-hearted George +D-----d, then a great gun in the fashionable world: to him succeeded +an _amorous thane_, the Irish Earl of F-----e; and when his lordship, +satiated by possession, withdrew his eccentric countenance, Lord +Mo--f--d succeeded to the vacant couch. The Venetian masquerade is said +to have produced a long carnival to this _belle brunette_, who seldom +kept _Lent_; and who hero met, for the first time, a now noble Marquess, +then Lord Y--------, to whose liberality she was for some time indebted +for a very splendid establishment; but the precarious existence of such +connexions is proverbial, and Mrs. Padden has certainly had her share +of fatal experience. Her next paramour was a diamond of the first water, +but no star, a certain dashing jeweller, Mr. C-----, whose charmer she +continued only until kind fortune threw in her way her present constant +Jack. With the hoy-day of the blood, the fickleness of the heart ceases; +and Mrs. Padden is now in the "sear o' the leaf," and somewhat _passee_ +with the town. It does therefore display good judgment in the lady +to endeavour, by every attention and correct conduct, to preserve an +attachment that has now existed for some considerable time. ~42~~Indeed +it is hardly possible to find a more conversational or attractive woman, +or one less free from the vulgarity which usually accompanies ladies of +her caste. With this fair I danced a waltz, and then danced off to my +friend Crony, who had been excused a display of agility on the score +of age, and from whom I anticipated some interesting anecdotes of the +surrounding stars. (See Plate.) + +[Illustration: page042] + +The Montagues, five sisters, all fine women, and celebrated as the stars +of Erin, shone forth on this occasion with no diminished ray of their +accustomed brilliancy; Mrs. Drummond, otherwise H--n Dr--y Ba--y, +Me--t--o, or Bulkly, the last being the only legal _cognomen_ of the +fair, led the way, followed by Maria Cross, otherwise Latouche, Matilda +Chatterton, Isabella Cummins, and Amelia Hamilton, all ladies of high +character in the court of Cytherea, whose amours, were I to attempt +them, would exceed in volumes, if not in interest, the chronicles of +their native isle. Among the most interesting of the fairy group was +the beautiful Louisa Rowley, since married to Lord L**c**les, and that +charming little rosebud, the captivating Josephine, who, although a mere +child, was introduced under the special protection of the celebrated Mr. +B***, who has since been completely duped by the little _intriguante_, +as also was hep second lover Lord p********? who succeeded in the lady's +favour afterwards; but from whom she fled to Lord H****t, since whose +death, an event which occurred in Paris, I hear she has reformed, and is +now following the example of an elder sister, by preparing herself for +the stage. "Who is that dashing looking brunette in the turban, that is +just entering the room?" inquired Transit, who appeared to be mightily +taken with the fair incognita. "That lady, with the mahogany skin and +_piquant_ appearance, is the favourite mistress of the poor Duke of +Ma**b****h," responded Crony, "and is no other than ~43~~the celebrated +Poll-----Pshaw! everybody has heard of the Queen of the Amazons, a title +given to the lady, in honour, as I suppose, of his grace's fighting +ancestor. Poll is said to be a great voluptuary; but at any rate she +cannot be very extravagant, that is, if she draws all her resources from +her protector's present purse. Do you observe that _jolie dame_ yonder +sitting under the orchestra? that is the well-known Nelly Mansell, +of Crawford-street, called the _old Pomona_, from the richness of her +_first fruits_. Nelly has managed her affairs with no trifling share +of prudence, and although in the decline of life, she is by no means +in declining circumstances. H**re the banker married her niece, and the +aunt's cash-account is said to be a very comfortable expectancy. + +The _elegante_ waltzing so _luxuriantly_ with H------ B------ H------ is +the lovely Emma Richardson, sometime since called Standish or Davison, a +Cytherean of the very first order, and the sister planet to the equally +charming Ellen Hanbury, otherwise Bl-----g-----ve, constellations of the +utmost brilliancy, very uncertain in their appearance, and equally so, +if report speaks truth, in their attachment to either Jupiter, Mars, +Vulcan, or Apollo. The first is denominated _Venus Mendicant_, from her +always pleading poverty to her suitors, and thus artfully increasing +their generosity towards her. Sister Ellen has obtained the appellation +of _Venus Callipyga_, from her elegant form and generally half-draped +appearance in public. Do you perceive the swarthy amazon waddling along +yonder, whom the old Earl of W-----d appears to be eyeing with no little +anticipation of delight? that is a lady with a very ancient and most +fish-like flavor, odoriferous in person as the oily female Esquimaux, +or the more _fragrant_ feminine inhabitants of Russian Tartary and the +Crimea; she has with some of her admirers obtained the name of _Dolly +Drinkwater_, from her known dislike to any ~44~~thing _stronger_ than +pure French Brandy. Her present travelling cognomen is Mrs. Sp**c*r, +otherwise _Black Moll_; and a wag of the day, who is rather notorious +for the variety of his taste, has recently insisted upon re-christening +her by the _attractive nom de guerre_ of _Nux Vomica_. The little +goddess of the golden locks, dancing with a well-known _roue_, is Fanny +My*rs, a very efficient partner in the dance, and if report be true not +less engaging in the sacred mysteries of Cytherea." It would fill the +ample page to relate the varied anecdote with which Crony illustrated, +as he proceeded to describe the Scyllo and Charybdes of the unwary and +the gay; who in their voyage through life are lured by the syrens of +sweet voice, and the Pyrrhas of sweet lip, the Cleopatras of modern +times, the conquerors of hearts, and the voluptuous rioters in +pleasurable excesses, of those of whom Byron has sung,-- + + + "Round all the confines of the yielding waist, + The strangest hand may wander undisplaced. + * * * + Till some might marvel with the modest Turk, + If 'nothing follows all this palming work.'" + + +To draw all the portraits who figured in the fascinating scene of gay +delight would be a task of almost equal magnitude with the Herculean +labours, and one which in attempting, I fear some of my readers may +censure me for already dwelling too long upon: but let them remember, +I am a professed painter of real life, not the inventor or promoter of +these delectable _nocte Attici_ and depraved orgies; that in faithfully +narrating scenes and describing character, the object of the author and +artist is to show up vice in all its native deformity; that being +known, it may be avoided, and being exposed, despised. But I must +crave permission to extend my notice of the Cythereans to a few more +characters, ere yet the mirth-inspiring notes of the band have ceased to +vibrate, or the graceful ~45~~fair ones to trip it lightly on fantastic +toe; this done, I shall perhaps take a peep into the supper-room, drink +Champagne, and pick the wing of a chicken while I whisper a few soft +syllables into the ear of the nearest _elegante_; and then--gentle +reader, start not--then----- + + "The breast thus _publicly_ resign'd to man + In _private_ may resist him--if it can." + +But here the curtain shall drop upon all the fairy sirens who lead +the young heart captive in their silken chains; and the _daughters of +pleasure_ and the _sons of profligacy_ may practise the mysteries of +Cytherea in private, undisturbed by the pen of the satirist or the +pencil of the humorist. + +"The scandalizing group in close conference in the left-hand corner, +behind Lord William Lenox and another dashing ensign in the guards, +is composed," said Crony, "of Mrs. Nixon, the _ci-devant_ Mrs. Baring, +Nugent's old.flame, Mrs. Christopher Harrison, the two sisters, +Mesdames Gardner and Peters, and the well-known Kitty Stock, all +minor constellations, mostly on the decline, and hence full of envious +jealousy at the attention paid by the beaux to the more attractive +charms of the newly discovered planets, the younger sisterhood of +the convent." "If we could but get near enough to overhear their +conversation," said Transit, "we should, no doubt, obtain possession +of a few rich anecdotes of the Paphians and their paramours." "I have +already enough of the latter," said I, "to fill a dozen albums, without +descending to the meanness of becoming a listener. Amorous follies +are the least censurable of the sins of men, when they are confined to +professed courtezans. The heartless conduct of the systematic seducer +demands indignation; but the trifling peccadillos of the sons of fortune +and the stars of fashion may be passed by, without any serious personal +exposure, since _time, ~46~~cash, and constitution are the three +practising physicians_ who generally effect a radical cure, without +the aid of the satirist. But come, Crony, you must give us the _nom de +guerre_ of the last-mentioned belles: you have hitherto distinguished +all the Cythereans by some eccentric appellation; let us therefore have +the list complete." "By all means, gentlemen," replied the old beau: "if +I must stand godfather to the whole fraternity of Cyprians, I think I +ought, at least, to have free access to every convent in Christendom; +but I must refer to my tablets, for I keep a regular entry of all the +new appearances, or I should never remember half their designations. +Mrs. N------has the harmonious appellation of the _mocking bird_, +from her silly habit of repeating every word you address to her. Mrs. +B------is called the _New Perdita_, from a royal conquest she once made, +but which we have only her own authority for believing; at any rate, she +is known to be fond of a _New-gent_, and the title may on that +account be fairly her own. Mrs. C-----H------ has the honour of being +distinguished by the appropriate name of the _Napoleon Venus_, from the +similarity of her contour with the countenance of that great man. + +The two sisters, Mesdames G------and P------, are well known by the +flattering distinctions of the red and the black Swan, from the colour +of their hair and the stateliness of their carriage; and Kitty Stock +has the poetical cognomen of _blue-eyed Lima_. Now, you have nearly +the whole vocabulary of love's votaries," said old Crony; "and be sure, +young gentlemen, you profit by the precepts of experience; for not one +of these frail fair ones but in her time has made as many conquests as +Wellington, and caused perhaps as much devastation among the sons of +men as any hero in the world. But a new light breaks in upon us," said +Crony, "in the person of Mrs. Simmons, the _Tartar sultana_, whom you +may observe conversing with Lords H------d and P-----m in the centre of +the room. Poor N--g--nt the cyprian's ball ~47~~will long remember her +prowess in battle, when the strength of her passion had nearly brought +matters to a point, and that not a very tender one; but the swain cut +the affair in good time, or might have been cruelly cut himself. Messrs. +H--h and R--s--w could also give some affecting descriptions of the +Tartar sultana's rage when armed with jealousy or resentment. Her +residence, No. 30, B--k--r-street, has long been celebrated as the three +x x x; a name probably given to it by some spark who found the sultana +three times more cross than even common report had stated her to be." +The night was now fast wearing away, when Crony again directed our +attention to the right-hand corner of the room, where, just under the +orchestra, appeared the elder sister of the notorious Harriette Wilson +seated, and in close conversation with the Milesian M. C, O'M--------a, +who, according to his usual custom, was dispensing his entertaining +anecdotes of all his acquaintance who graced the present scene. "That +is Amy Campbell, otherwise Sydenham, &e., &c, but now legally Bochsa, of +whom Harriette has since told so many agreeable stories relative to +the black puddings and Argyle; however, considerable suspicion attaches +itself to Harriette's anecdotes of her elder sister, particularly as +she herself admits they were not very good friends, and Harriette never +would forgive Amy for seducing the Duke of Argyle from his allegiance +to her. Mrs. Campbell was for some years the favourite sultana of his +grace, and has a son by him, a fine boy, now about twelve years of age, +who goes by the family name, and for whose support the kind-hearted duke +allows the mother a very handsome annuity. Amy is certainly a woman of +considerable talent; a good musician, as might have been expected from +her attachment to the harpist, and an excellent linguist, speaking the +French, Spanish, and Italian languages with the greatest fluency. In +her person she begins to exhibit the ravages of time, is somewhat +_embonpoint_, with ~48~~dark hair and fine eyes, but rather of the +keen order of countenance than the agreeable; and report says, that +the Signior composer, amid his plurality of wives, never found a more +difficult task to preserve the equilibrium of domestic harmony. + +By the side of this fair one, arm in arm with a well-known bookseller, +you may perceive Harriette Kochforte, alias Wilson, who, according to +her own account, has had as many amours as the Grand Seignor can boast +wives, and with just as little of affection in the _affaires de cour_ as +his sublime highness, only with something more of publicity. Harriette +gives the honour of her introduction into the mysteries of Cytherea +to the Earl of Craven; but it is well known that a certain dashing +solicitor's clerk then living in the neighbourhood of Chelsea, and near +her amiable mamma's residence, first engrossed, her attention, and +by whom she exhibited increasing symptoms of affection, which being +properly engrafted on the person of the fair stockinger, in due time +required a release from a practitioner of another profession; an +innocent affair that now lies buried deep in an odd corner at the old +churchyard at Chelsea, without a monumental stone or epitaph to point +out the early virtues of the fair Cytherean. To this limb of the law +succeeded the Honourable Be--1--y C------n, who was then too volatile +and capricious to pay his devotions at any particular shrine for more +than a week together. It was this cold neglect of the honourable's that +has, perhaps, secured him from mention in her Memoirs; since Harriette +never speaks of her beaux without giving the reader to suppose they were +desperately in love with herself: then there was more of the dignified +in an affair with an earl, and Madame Harriette has a great notion of +preserving her consequence, although, it must be confessed, she has +latterly shown the most perfect indifference to the preservation of +character. The the cyprian's ball ~49~~circumstance which first gave +Miss Wilson her great notoriety was the affair with the young Marquis +of Worcester, then just _come out_, and a willing captive to her +artful wiles. So successfully did she inveigle her noble swain, and +so completely environ his heart, that in the fulness of his boyish +adoration of the fair Cytherean, he executed in her favour a certain +promise in writing, not a promise to pay, for that might have been of +no consequence, nor a promise of settlement, nor a promise to protect, +nothing so unsettled,--nothing less did the fair intriguante obtain +than a full, clear, and definite promise of marriage, with a sufficient +penalty thereunto attached to make the matter alarming and complete, +with every appearance on his part to ratify the contract. In this state +of things, information reached his Grace of B--f--t of his noble heir's +intention, who not much relishing the intended honour, or perhaps +doubting the permanency of his son's passion (for to question the purity +of the lady was impossible), entered into a negotiation with Harriette, +by which, on condition of her resigning the promise and pledging herself +never to see the Marquis more on familiar terms, this disinterested +woman was to receive eight hundred pounds per annum--so anxious was his +grace to prevent a mes-alliance in his family. But, alas for Harriette! +jealousy for once got the better of her love of gain; her pride was +wounded to see a sister flirting with her affianced lord, and in a +moment of irritation, she in a most unequivocal manner publicly asserted +her right to his person: the gallant yielded, the bond was __null and +void, the _promise burnt_, his grace relieved from the payment of eight +hundred pounds per annum, and his son the Marquis, profiting by past +experience, not so green as to renew the former obligation. + +"My intention is not to pirate the lady's memoirs, and so rob her of +the fair gain of her professional ~50~~experience," said Crony, when I +mentioned these circumstances to him afterwards; "I only mean to supply +certain trifling omissions in the biography of Harriette and her family, +which the fair narrator has very modestly suppressed. It is but a few +months since, that passing accidentally into Warwick-court, Holborn, +to call upon an old friend, a navy lieutenant on half-pay, I thought I +recognised the well-known superlative wig of the dandy Rochforte, thrust +longitudinally forward from beneath the sash of a two pair of stairs +window.--Can it be possible? thought I: and then again, I asked myself, +why not? for the last time I saw him he was rusticating in Surrey, +beating the balls about in _Banco Regis_; from which black place he did +not escape without a little white-washing: however, he's a full Colonel +of some unknown corps of South American Independents for all that, and +was once in his life, although for a very short time, a full Cornet, in +Lincoln Stanhope's regiment, the 17th dragoons, I think it was, and has +never clipped his mustachios since, one would imagine, by their length +and ferocious appearance. To be brief, I had scarcely placed my glass +into the orifice before my imperfect vision, when Harriette appeared +at the adjoining window, and instantly recognizing an old acquaintance, +invited me up stairs. 'Times are a little changed,' said she, 'Mr. +Crony, since last we met:' 'True, madam,' I responded; and then to cheer +the belle a little, I added, 'but not persons, I perceive, for you are +looking as young and as attractive as ever.' The compliment did not seem +to please the Colonel in the wig, who turned round, looked frowningly, +and then twirled the dexter side of his lip wing into a perfect circle. +It is not possible that this thing can affect jealousy of such a woman +as Harriette? thought I: so proceeded with our conversation: and he +shortly resumed his polite amusement of spitting upon the children who +were ~51~~playing marbles beneath his window. 'I am really married to +that monster, yonder,' said she, in an under tone: 'How do you like my +choice?' 'I am not old enough in the gentleman's acquaintance to hazard +an opinion on his merits,' quoth I; 'but you are a woman of experience, +belle Harriette, and should be a good judge of male bipeds, although I +cannot say much in favour of your military taste.' 'And you was always a +_quiz_, Crony,' retorted belle Harriette: 'remember my sister Mary, who +is now Mrs. Bochsa,{3} how you used to annoy her about her gaudy style +of dressing, when we used to foot it at Chelsea:--but I 3 There were in +all eight sisters of the Debouchettes, and three brothers; but only one +of the latter is living. Of the girls, Amy is now Mrs. Bochsa; Mary, +married to a nephew of Sir Richard Bo****hs, a great Irish contractor; +Harriette, actually married to Cornet Rochforte; Fanny expired in the +_holy keeping_ of the present Marquis of H-----; Sophia has been raised +to the peerage, by the style and title of Lady B-----k, and by her +subsequent conduct well deserves her elevation; Julia, an affectionate +girl, clung to the house of Coventry through poor Tom's days of +adversity, and died early, leaving some unprotected orphans; Charlotte +and Louisa, younger sisters, the first now about eighteen and very +beautiful, although a little lame, have been educated and brought up +by their elder sister, the Baroness, and are by her intended for the +church--vestals for Hymen's altar: at any rate, I hope they will escape +the _sacrifices of Cytherea_. Harriette is now about forty years of age: +she was, when at her zenith, always celebrated rather for her tact +in love affairs, and her talent at invention, than the soft engaging +qualifications of the frail fair, which fascinate the eye and lead the +heart captive with delight: her conversational powers were admirable; +but her temper was outrageous, with a natural inclination to the +satirical:--to sum up her merits at once, she was what a _connoisseur_ +would have called a bold fine woman, rather than an engaging handsome +one--more of the English Bellona than the _Venus de Medici_. Crony's +account of the Round Room and belle Harriette's first views of +publishing are, I have since learned, strictly correct. There is not +a person mentioned in her Memoirs, or scarcely one of any note in the +Court-guide, of whom she has at any time had the slightest knowledge, +that have not been applied to repeatedly within the last three years, +and received threats of exposure to compel them to submit to extortion. +~52~~want your assistance.' Egad, I dare say, I looked rather comical +at this moment, for in truth I was somewhat alarmed at the last phrase. +Harriette burst into a loud fit of laughter; the Colonel drew in his +elegant wig, and deigned a smile; while I, involuntarily forcing my hand +into the pocket of my inexpressibles, carefully drove the few sovereigns +I had up into one corner, fearing the belle Harriette had a mighty +notion of laying strong siege to them: in this, however, I was agreeably +disappointed; for recovering herself, she acknowledged she had perceived +my embarrassment, but assured me I need be under no alarm on this +occasion, as, at present, she only wanted to borrow a few--ideas: what a +relief the last short word afforded! 'I have been writing some sketches +of my life,' said she, 'and am going to publish: give me your opinion, +Crony, upon its merits;' and without more ceremony, she thrust a little +packet of papers into my hand, headed 'Sketches in the Round Room at the +Opera House;' in which all the characters of the Opera frequenters were +tolerably well drawn, nor was the dialogue deficient in spirit; but the +titles were all fictitious--such as my Lord Red Head, for the Marquess +of H-----d, Lord Pensiveham, for P------m, and so on to the end of +the chapter. Having glanced through the contents, I recommended her +to Colburn, as the universal speculator in paper and print; but his +highness is playing _magnifico_, a la Murray, in his new mansion, it +would seem; for he, as I have since learned, refused to publish. +At length, after trying Allman and others, belle Harriette hit upon +Stockdale, who having made some bad hits in his time, thought a +little _courtesanish_ scandal could not make bad worse. Under his +superintendence real names were substituted for the fictitious; and it +is said, that the choice notes of the lady are interwoven and extended, +connected and illustrated, by the same elegant Apollo who used to write +love letters for Mary Ann, and ~58~~love epistles to half a thousand, +including Bang and the Bantum, in the dark refectory of the celebrated +mother Wood, the Lady of the Priory, or Lisle-street Convent." "If +such is the case, 'how are the mighty fallen!'" said I.------But let us +return to the ball-room. As the night advanced, a few more stars made +their appearance in the firmament of beauty; among these, Crony pointed +out some of the demirespectables, attracted thither either by curiosity +or the force of old habit: among these was Charles Wy--h--m's bit of +rue, that herb of grace, the once beautiful Mrs. Ho--g--s, since +closely connected with the whiskered Lord P-----, to whose brother, the +Honourable F------g, her daughter, the elegant Miss W--------n, had the +good fortune to be early married. In the same group appeared another +star of no mean attraction, the Honourable Mrs. L-----g, whose present +husband underwent the ordeal of a crim. con. trial to obtain her person. +'Par nobile fratum,' the world may well say of the brothers, P------ and +L-----g; while F--------y, with all his eccentricities, has the credit +of being a very good husband. Three little affected mortals, the Misses +St--ts, Crony introduced by the name of the pretenders, from the assumed +modesty and great secrecy with which they carry on their amours. '_Pas +a pas on va bien loin_,' says the old French proverb, and rightly too," +remarked our ancient; "for if you boys had not brought me here, I should +never have known the extent of my experience, or have attempted to +calculate the number of my female acquaintances." In the supper-room, +which opened at four o'clock in the morning, Waud had spread forth a +banquet every way worthy the occasion: a profuse display of the choicest +viands of the season and delicacies of the most costly character graced +the splendid board, where the rich juice of the grape, and the inviting +ripeness of the dessert, were only equalled by the voluptuous votaries +who ~54~~surrounded the repast. It was now that ceremony and the +cold restraint of well regulated society were banished, by the free +circulation of the glass. The eye of love shot forth the electric flash +which animates the heart of young desire, lip met lip, and the soft +cheek of violet beauty pressed the stubble down of manliness. Then, +while the snowy orbs of nature undisguised heaved like old ocean with a +circling swell, the amorous lover palmed the melting fair, and led her +forth to where shame-faced Aurora, with her virgin gray, the blue-eyed +herald of the golden morn, might hope in vain to draw aside the curtain +and penetrate the mysteries of Cytherea. And now, gentle reader, be ye +of the hardy sex, who dare the glories of the healthful chase and haunt +the peopled stream of gay delight--or of that lovely race, from +which alone man's earthly joys arise, the soft-skinned conquerors of +hearts--be ye prudes or stoics, chaste as virgin gold, or cold as alpine +snow--confess that I have strictly kept my promise here, nor strayed +aside in all my wanderings among the daughters of pleasure, to give +pain to worthy bosoms or offend the ear of nicest modesty. Pity for +the unfortunate, and respect for the feelings of the relatives of +the vicious and the dissolute, has prevented the insertion of many +anecdotes, with which Crony illustrated his sketches of character. +Enough, it is presumed, has been done to show vice in all its native +deformity, without wounding the ear by one immoral or indelicate +expression. For the unhappy fair ones who form the principal portraits, +it should be remembered they have been selected from those only who are +notorious, as belles of the first order, stars of fashion, and if not +something indebted to fortune they would have escaped enrolment here. +When beauty and poverty are allied, it must too often fall a victim to +the eager eye of roving lust; for, even to the titled ~55~~profligate, +beauty, when arrayed in a simple garb of spotless chastity, seems + + "----Fairer she + In innocence and homespun vestments spread, + Than if cerulean sapphires at her ears + Shone pendent, or a precious diamond cross + Heaved gently on her panting bosom white. + +But let the frail remember, that the allurements of wealth and the +blandishments of equipage fall off with possession and satiety; to the +force of novelty succeeds the baseness of desertion. For a short time, +the fallen one is fed like the silk-worm upon the fragrant mulberry +leaf, and when she has spun her yellow web of silken attraction, sinks +into decay, a common chrysalis, shakes her trembling and emaciated wings +in hopeless agony, and then flutters and droops, till death steps in +and relieves her from an accumulation of miseries, ere yet the transient +summer of youth has passed over her devoted head. + +Bernard Blackmantle. + +[Illustration: page055] + + + + +THE PHILOSOPHY OF LAUGHTER; + +OR, MR PUNCH IN ALL HIS GLORY. + + Thoughts on the Philosophy of Laughter--Bernard Blackmantle + in Search of a Wife--First Visit to the Marigold Family-- + Sketches of the Alderman, his Lady, and Daughter--Anecdote + of John Liston, and the Citizen's Dinner Party--Of the + Immortal Mr. Punch--Some Account of the Great Actor--A + Street Scene, sketched from the Life--The Wooden Drama--The + True Sublime. + +[Illustration: page056] + +~56~~ + + You may sing of old Thespis, who first in a cart, + To the jolly god Bacchus enacted a part; + Miss Thalia, or Mrs. Melpomene praise, + Or to light-heel'd Terpsichore offer your lays. + But pray what are these, bind them all in a bunch, + Compared to the acting of Signor Punch? + Of Garrick, or Palmer, or Kemble, or Cooke, + Your moderns may whine, or on each write a book; + Or Mathews, or Munden, or Fawcett, suppose + They could once lead the town as they pleased by the nose; + A fig for such actors! tied all in a bunch, + Mere mortals compared to old deified Punch. + Not Chester can charm us, nor Foote with her smile, + Like the first blush of summer, our bosoms beguile, + Half so well, or so merrily drive caro away, + As old Punch with his Judy in amorous play. + Kean, Young, and Macready, though thought very good, + Have heads, it is true, but then they're not of wood. + +~57~~ + + Be ye ever so dull, full of spleen or ennui, + Mighty Punch can enliven your spirits with glee. + Not honest Jack Harley, or Liston's rum mug + Can produce half the fun of his juggity-jug: + For a right hearty laugh, tie thorn all in a bunch, + Not an actor among them like Signor Punch. + + --Bernard Blackmantle. + +It was the advice of the prophet Tiresias to Menippus, who had travelled +over the terrestrial globe fend descended into the infernal regions in +search of content, to be merry and wise; + + "To laugh at all the busy farce of state, + Employ the vacant hour in mirth and jest." + +"The merrier the heart the longer the life," says Burton in his Anatomy +of Melancholy. Mirth is the principal of the three Salernitan doctors, +Dr. Merryman, Dr. Diet, and Dr. Quiet. The nepenthes of Homer, the +bowl of Retenus, and the girdle of Venus, are only the ancient types of +liveliness and mirth, by the free use of which the mind is dispossessed +of dulness, and the cankerworm of care destroyed. Seneca calls the +happiness of wealth bracteata felicitas, tinfoiled happiness, and +infelix felicitas, an unhappy felicity. A poor man drinks out of a +wooden dish, and eats his hearty meal with a wooden spoon; while the +rich man, with a languid appetite, picks his dainties with a silver fork +from plates of gold--but, in auro bibitur venenum; the one rinds health +and happiness in his pottered jug, while the other sips disease and +poison from his jewelled cup. A good laugh is worth a guinea, (to him +who can afford to pay for it) at any time; but it is best enjoyed when +it comes gratuitously and unexpectedly, and breaks in upon us like the +radiant beams of a summer sun forcing its way through the misty veil of +an inland fog. + +I had been paying a morning visit to a wealthy ~58~~citizen, Mr. +Alderman Marigold, and family, at the express desire of my father, who +had previously introduced me for the purpose of fixing my--affection +--tush--no, my attention, to the very weighty merits of Miss Biddy +Marigold, spinster; a spoiled child, without personal, but with very +powerful attractions to a poor Colebs. Two hours' hard fighting with the +alderman had just enabled me to retreat from the persecution of being +compelled to give an opinion upon the numerous bubble companies of +the time, without understanding more than the title of either; to this +succeeded the tiresome pertinacity of Mrs. Marigold's questions relative +to the movements, ondits, and fashionable frivolities westward, until, +fairly wearied out and disgusted, I sat down a lion exhausted, in +the window seat, heartily wishing myself like Liston{1} safe out of +purgatory; when the sound + + 1 John Liston, the comedian, is in private life not less + conspicuous for finished pleasantry and superior manners + than he is on the stage for broad humour; but nothing can + offend the actor more than an invitation given merely in the + expectation of his displaying at table some of his + professional excellences. John had, on one occasion, + accepted an invitation to dine with a wealthy citizen en + famille; the repast over--the wine had circulated--a snug + friend proposed the health of Mr. Liston; and John returned + thanks with as much dignity as a minister of state eating + white bait at Blackwall with the worshipful company of + fishmongers. Then came the amiable civilities of the lady of + the mansion, evidently intended to ingratiate herself with + the actor, the better to secure his assent to her request, + but not a muscle of the comedian gave the least + encouragement. The little citizens, who were huddled round + their mamma, and had been staring at the actor in anxious + expectation, were growing very impatient. The eldest boy had + already recited young Norval's speech to Lady Douglas, by + way of prologue; but the actor still continued mute, never + for a moment unbending to the smirking encourage-ment of his + hostess, or the jolly laugh-exciting reminiscences of his + ruby-faced host; as, for instance, "Lord, Mr. Liston, what a + funny figure you looked t'other night in Moll Flaggon!" or, + "How you made thorn laugh in Tony Lumpkin! and then what a + fright you was in Mrs. Cheshire. Couldn't you give us a + touch just now?" "Ay, do, Mr. Liston, pray do," vociferated + a dozen tongues at once, including mamma, the little misses + and mastery. "The children have been kept up two hours later + than usual on purpose," said the lady mother. "Ay, come, my + good fellow," reiterated the cit, "take another glass, and + then give us some-thing funny to amuse the young ones." This + was the finishing blow to Liston's offended dignity--to be + invited to dinner by a fat fleshmonger, merely to amuse his + uncultivated cubs, was too much for the nervous system of + the comedian to bear; but how to retreat?" I have it," + thought John, "by the cut direct;" rising and bowing, + therefore, to the company, as if intending to yield to their + entreaties, he begged permission to retire to make some + little arrangement in his dress, to personate Vanish; when, + leaving them in the most anxious expectation for more than + half an hour, on ringing the bell, they learned from the + servant that Mr. Liston had suddenly Vanished by the street- + door, and was, of course, never seen in that direction more. + +~59~~of a cracked trumpet in the street arrested my attention. "I +vonder vat that ere hinstrument can mean, my dear!" said Mrs. Alderman +Marigold, (advancing to the window with eager curiosity). "It's +wery likely some fire company's men marching to a bean-feast, or a +freemason's funeral obscenities," replied the alderman. When another +blast greeted our ears with a few notes of "See the Conquering Hero +comes," "La, mamma," whined out Miss Biddy Marigold, "I declare, it's +that filthy fellow Punch coming afore our vindow vith his imperence; I +prognosticated how it voud be, ven the alderman patronised him last veek +by throwing avay a whole shilling upon his fooleries." "You've no taste +for fun, Biddy," replied the alderman; at the same time making his +daughter and myself a substitute for crutches, by resting a hand upon +each shoulder. "I never laid out a shilling better in the whole course +of my life. A good laugh beats all the French medicine, and drives the +gout out at the great toe. I mean to pension Mr. Punch at a shilling a +veek to squeak before my vindow of a Saturday, in preference to paying +six guineas for a ~60~~box to hear all that outlandish squeaking at the +hopera." "La, pa, how ungenteel!" said Miss Biddy; "I declare you're +bringing quite a new-sense to all the square, vat vith your hurdy-gurdy +vonien, French true-baw-dears, and barrel organ-grinders, nobody has no +peace not at all in the neighbourhood." During this elegant colloquy, +the immortal Mr. Punch had reared his chequered theatre upon the +pavement opposite, the confederate showman had concealed himself beneath +the woollen drapery, and the Italian comedian had just commenced his +merry note of preparation by squeaking some of those little snatches of +tunes, which act with talismanic power upon the locomotive faculties +of all the peripatetics within hearing, attracting everybody to the +travelling stage, young and old, gentle and simple; all the crowd seem +as if magic chained them to the spot, and each face exhibits as much +anxiety, and the mind, no doubt, anticipates as much or more delight, +than if they were assembled to see Charles Kemble, Young, and +Macready, all three acting in one fine tragedy. There is something so +indescribably odd and ridiculous about the whole paraphernalia of Mr. +Punch, that we are irresistibly compelled to acknowledge the superiority +of the lignum vito Roscius over the histrionic corps of mere flesh and +blood. The eccentricity of this immortal personage, his foreign, funny +dialogue, the whim and strange conceit exhibited in his wooden drama, +the gratuitous display, and the unrestricted laugh he affords--all +combine to make Mr. Punch the most popular performer in the world. Of +Italian origin, he has been so long domiciled in England, that he +may now be considered naturalized by common consent. Indeed, I much +question, if a greater misfortune could befall the country, than +the removal or suppression of Mr. Punch and his laugh-provoking +drolleries:--it would be considered a national calamity; but Mirth +protect ~61~~us from such a terrible mishap! Another sound from an +old cracked trumpet, something resembling a few notes of "Arm, Arm, ye +Brave," and an accompaniment by the great actor himself of a few more +"tut, tut, tutura, lura, lu's," in his own original style, have now +raised excitement to the highest pitch of expectation. The half inflated +lungs of the alderman expand by anticipation, and his full foggy +breathings upon the window-glass have already compelled me more than +once to use my handkerchief to clear away the mist. The assembled group +waiting the commencement of his adventures, now demands my notice. What +a scene for my friend Transit! I shall endeavour to depict it for him. +The steady looking old gentleman in the fire-shovel clerical castor, +how sagaciously he leers round about him to see if he is likely to +be recognised! not a countenance to whom he is known; he smiles with +self-complacency at the treat he is about to enjoy; plants himself in +a respectable doorway, for three reasons; first, the advantage from the +rise of the step increasing his altitude; second, the security of his +pockets from attacks behind; and third, the pretence, should any Goth to +whom he is known, observe him enjoying the scene, that he is just about +to enter the house, and has merely been detained there by accident. +Excellent apologist!--how ridiculous!--Excessive delicacy, avaunt! give +me a glorious laugh, and "throw (affectation) to the dogs; I'll have +none of it." Now the farce begins: up starts the immortal hero himself, +and makes his bow; a simultaneous display of "broad grins" welcomes +his felicitous entree; and for a few seconds the scene resembles the +appearance of a popular election candidate, Sir Francis Burdett, or +his colleague, little Cam Hobhouse, on the hustings in Covent Garden; +nothing is heard but one deafening shout of clamorous approbation. +Observe the butcher's boy has stopped his ~62~~horse to witness the fun, +spite of the despairing cook who waits the promised joint; and the jolly +lamp-lighter, laughing hysterically on the top of his ladder, is +pouring the oil from his can down the backs and into the pockets of the +passengers beneath, instead of recruiting the parish-lamp, while +the sufferers are too much interested in the exhibition to feel the +trickling of the greasy fluid. The baker, careless of the expectant +owner's hot dinner, laughs away the time until the pie is quite cold; +and the blushing little servant-maid is exercising two faculties at +once, enjoying the frolics of Signor Punch, and inventing some plausible +excuse for her delay upon an expeditious errand. How closely the +weather-beaten tar yonder clasps his girl's waist! every amorous joke +of Signor Punch tells admirably with him; till, between laughing and +pressing, Poll is at last compelled to cry out for breath, when Jack +only squeezes her the closer, and with a roaring laugh vociferates, "My +toplights! what the devil will that fellow Punch do next, Poll?" The +milkman grins unheedful of the cur who is helping himself from out +his pail; and even the heavy-laden porter, sweating under a load of +merchandise, heaves up his shoulders with laughter, until the ponderous +bale of goods shakes in the air like a rocking-stone. (See Plate.) +Inimitable actor! glorious Signor Punch! show me among the whole of +the dramatis persona in the patent or provincial theatres, a single +performer who can compete with the mighty wooden Roscius. + +[Illustration: page062] + +The alderman's eulogium on Mr. Punch was superlatively good. "I love a +comedy, Mr. Blackmantle," said he, "better than a tragedy, because +it makes one laugh; and next to good eating, a hearty laugh is most +desirable. Then I love a farce still better than a comedy, because that +is more provokingly merry, or broader as the critics have it; then, sir, +a pantomime beats both comedy and ~63~~farce hollow; there's such lots +of fun and shouts of laughter to be enjoyed in that from the beginning +to the end. But, sir, there's one performance that eclipses all these, +tragedy, comedy, farce, and pantomime put together, and that is Mister +Punch--for a right-down, jolly, split-my-side burst of laughter, he's +the fellow; name me any actor or author that can excite the risibilities +of the multitude, or please all ages, orders, and conditions, like +the squeaking pipe and mad waggeries of that immortal, merry-faced +itinerant. If any man will tell me that he possesses genius, or the +mellow affections, and that he can pass Punch, + + 'Nor cast one longing, lingering look behind;' + +then, I say, that man's made of 'impenetrable stuff;' and, being too +wise for whimsicality, is too phlegmatic for genius, and too crabbed for +mellowness." Mark, what a set of merry open-faced rogues surround Punch, +who peeps down at them as cunningly as "a magpie peeping into a marrow +bone; "--how luxuriantly they laugh, or stand with their eyes and mouths +equally distended, staring at the minikin effigy of fun and phantasy; +thinking, no doubt, + + "He bin the greatest wight on earth." + +And, certainly, he has not his equal, as a positive, dogmatic, +knock-me-down argument-monger; a dare devil; an embodied phantasmagoria, +or frisky infatuation. I have often thought that Punch might be +converted to profitable use, by being made a speaking Pasquin; and, +properly instructed, might hold up his restless quarter staff, in +terrorem, over the heads of all public outragers of decency; and by +opening the eyes of the million, who flock to his orations, enlighten +them, at least, as much as many greater folks, who make more noise +than he, and who, ~64~~like him, often get laughed at, without being +conscious that they are the subjects of merriment. The very name of our +old friend Punch inspires us in our social moments. What other actor +has been commemorated by the potential cup? is not the sacred bowl of +friendship dedicated to the wooden hero? would you forget the world, its +cares, vexations, and anxieties, sip of the mantling, mirth-inspiring +cordial, and all within is jollity and gay delight. + + "For Punch cures the gout, the cholic, and the phthisic, + And it is to every man the very best of physic." + +Honest, kind-hearted Punch! I could write a volume in thy praise, and +then, I fear, I should leave half thy merits untold. Thou art worth a +hundred of the fashionable kickshaws that are daily palmed upon us to +be admired; and thy good-humoured efforts to please at the expense of a +broken pate can never be sufficiently praised. + +But now the curtain rises, and Mr. Punch steals from behind his two-foot +drapery: the very tip of his arched nose is the prologue to a merry +play; he makes his bow to the multitude, and salutes them with all the +familiarity of an old acquaintance. What a glorious reception does +he meet with from an admiring audience! And now his adventures +commence--his "dear Judy," the partner of his life, by turns experiences +all the capricious effects of love and war. What a true picture of the +storms of life!--how admirable an essay on matrimonial felicity! Then +his alternate uxoriousness to the lady, and his fondlings of that +pretty "kretur" with the family countenance; his chivalrous exploits +on horseback, and mimic capering round the lists of his chequered +tilt-yard; his unhappy differences with the partner of his bosom, and +her lamentable catastrophe; the fracas with the sheriff's substitute; +and his interview with that incomprehensible personage, ~65~~the knight +of the sable countenance, who salutes him with the portentous address +of "schalabala! schalabala! schalabala!" his successive perils and +encounters with the ghost of the martyred Judy; and, after his combat +with the great enemy of mankind, the devil himself, "propria Marte" his +temporary triumph; and, finally, his defeat by a greater man than +old Lucifer, the renowned Mr. John Ketch. Talk of modern dramas, +indeed!--show me any of your Dimonds, Reynolds, Dibdins, or Crolys that +can compare with Punchiana, in the unities of time, place, costume, and +action, intricate and interesting plot, situations provokingly comical +and effective, and a catastrophe the most appallingly surprising and +agreeable. Then his combats aux batons are superior even to Bradley and +Blanchard; but the ne plus ultra of his exploits, the cream of all +his comicalities, the grand event, is the ingenious trick by which +Mr. Punch, when about to suffer on the scaffold, disposes of the +executioner, and frees himself from purgatory, by persuading the +unsuspecting hangman, merely for the sake of instruction to an +uninitiated culprit, to try his own head in the noose: Punch, of +course, seizes the perilous moment--runs him up to the top of the fatal +beam--Mr. John Ketch hangs suspended in the air--Punch shouts a glorious +triumph--all the world backs him in his conquest--the old cracked +trumpet sounds to victory--the showman's hat has made the transit of the +circle, and returns half-filled with the voluntary copper contributions +of the happy audience. The alderman drops his tributary shilling, while +his fat sides shake with laughter; even Mrs. Marigold and the amiable +Miss Biddy have become victims to the vulgar inspiration, and are +laughing as heartily as if they were enjoying the grimaces of the first +of buffos, Signor Ambrogetti. And now the curtain falls, and the busy +group disperse their several ways, chuckling with delight over the +~66~~recollections of the mad waggeries of immortal Mr. Punch. + + All hail! thou first great mimic chief, + Physician to the mind's relief; + Thrice hail! most potent Punch. + Not Momus' self, should he appear, + Could dim the lustre of thy sphere; + So hail! all hail! great Punch. + +Bernard Blackmantle. + +[Illustration: page066] + + + + +THE WESTMINSTER SCHOLAR. + + Reminiscences of former Times--Lamentations of Old Crony-- + Ancient Sports and Sprees--Modern Im-provements--Hints to + Builders and Buyers--Some Account of the School and its + Worthies--Recollections of old Schoolfellows--Sketches of + Character--The Living and the Dead. + + "Fast by, an old but noble fabric stands, + No vulgar work, but raised by princely hands; + Which, grateful to Eliza's memory, pays, + In living monuments, an endless praise." + +From a poem by a Westminster Scholar, written during Dr. Friend's +Mastership, in 1699. + +~67~~ + +[Illustration: page067] + +"What say you to a stroll through _Thorney Island_,{1} this morning?" +said old Crony, with whom I had been taking a _dejeune a la fourchette_; +"you have indulged your readers with all the whims and eccentricities +of Eton and of Oxford, and, in common justice, you must not pass by +the _Westminster blacks_."{2} Crony had, I learned, been a foundation +scholar during the mastership of Dr. Samuel Smith; when the poet +Churchill, Robert Lloyd, (the son of the under-master) Bonnel Thornton, +George Colman the elder, Richard Cumberland, and a host of other +highly-gifted names, were associated within the precincts of the abbey +cloisters. Our way towards + + 1 The abbey ground, so called by the monkish writers; but, + since Busby's time, more significantly designated by the + scholars _Birch Island.--Vide Tidier_. + + 2 Black------s from Westminster; ruff--s from Winchester; + and gentlemen from Eton.--_Old Cambridge Proverb_. + +~68~~Westminster from the Surrey side of Vauxhall bridge, where +Crony had taken up his abode, lay through the scene of his earliest +recollections; and, not even Crockery himself could have been more +pathetic in his lamentations over the improvements of modern times. +"Here," said Crony, placing himself upon the rising ground which +commands an uninterrupted view of the bank, right and left, and fronts +the new road to Chelsea, and, the Grosvenor property; "here, in my +boyish days, used the Westminster scholars to congregate for sports +and sprees. Many a juvenile frolic have I been engaged in beneath the +shadowy willows that then o'ercanopied the margin of old father Thames; +but they are almost all destroyed, and with them disappears the fondest +recollections of my youth. Upwards, near yonder frail tenement which is +now fast mouldering into decay, lived the beautiful gardener's daughter, +the flower of Millbank, whose charms for a long time excited the +admiration of many a noble name, ay, and inspired many a noble strain +too, and produced a chivalrous rivalry among the young and generous +hearts who were then of Westminster. Close to that spot all matches on +the water were determined; and beneath yon penthouse, many a jovial cup +have I partook of with the contending parties, when the aquatic sports +were over, in the evening's cool retirement, or seated on the benches +which then filled up the space between the trees in front of Watermans' +Hall, as the little public house then used to be called. About half +a mile above was the favourite bathing-place; and just over the water +below Lambeth palace, yet may be seen Doo's house, where, from time +immemorial, the Westminster boys had been supplied with funnies, skiffs, +wherries, and sailing-boats. The old mill which formerly stood on the +right-hand of the river, and from which the place derived its name, +has now entirely disappeared; and in lieu of the ~69~~green fields and +pleasant walks with which this part of the suburbs abounded, we have now +a number of square brick-dust tubs, miscalled cottages _ornee_, and a +strange-looking Turkish sort of a prison called a Penitentiary, +which from being judiciously placed in a swamp is rendered completely +uninhabitable. Cumberland-gardens, on the opposite side, was, in former +times, in great vogue; here the cits used to rusticate on a summer's +evening, coming up the water in shoals to show their dexterity in +rowing, and daring the dangers of the watery element to _blow a cloud_ +in the fresh air, and ruralise upon the 'margin of old father Thames.' + +[Illustration: page069] + +But where can the Westminster boys of the present day look for +amusements? there's no snug spot now for a dog-tight or a badger-bait. +Earl Grosvenor has converted all the green lanes into Macadamised roads, +and covered the turf with new brick tenements. No taking a pleasant +toodle with a friend now along the sequestered banks, or shooting a few +sparrows or fieldfares in the neighbourhood of the _five chimnies_{3} +not a space to be found free from the encroachments of modern +speculators, or big enough for a bowling alley or a cricket match. +Tothill-fields have altogether disappeared; and the wand of old Merlin +would appear to have waved over and dispersed the most trifling vestiges +and recollections of the past. A truce with your improvements!" said +Crony, combating my attempt to harmonise his feelings; "tell me what +increases the lover's boldness and the maiden's tenderness more than +the fresh and fragrant air, the green herbage, and the quiet privacy of +retired spots, where all nature yields a delightful inspiration to the +mind. There where the lovers find delight, the student finds repose, +secluded from the busy haunts of men, and yet able, by a few strides, to +mingle again at pleasure with the world, the man of + + 3 Since called the Five-fields, Chelsea; and a favourite + resort of the Westminster scholars of that time, but now + built upon. + +~70~~contemplation turns aside to consult his favourite theme, and +having run out his present stock of thoughtful meditation, wheels him +round, and finds himself one of the busy group again.{4} As we advance + + 4 The Rogent's-park, formerly called Marylebone, is an + improve-ment of this nature. It was originally a park, and + had a royal palace in it, where, I believe, Queen Elizabeth + occasionally resided. It was disbarked by Oliver Cromwell, + who settled it on Colonel Thomas Harrison's regiment of + dragoons for their pay; but at the restoration of Charles + II. it passed into the hands of other possessors; from which + time it has descended through different proprietors, till, + at length, it has reverted to the Crown, by whose public + spirit a magnificent park is secured to the inhabitants of + London. The expense of its planting, &c. must have been + enormous; but money cannot be better laid out than on + purposes of this lasting benefit and national ornament. + + The plan and size of the park is in every respect worthy of + the nation. It is larger than Hyde-park, St. James's, and + the Greenpark together; and the trees planted in it about + twelve years ago have already become umbrageous. The water + is very extensive. As you are rowed on it, the variety of + views you come upon is admirable: sometimes you are in a + narrow stream, closely overhung by the branches of trees; + presently you open upon a wide sheet of water, like a lake, + with swans sunning themselves on its bosom; by and by your + boat floats near the edge of a smooth lawn fronting one of + the villas; and then again you catch the perspective of a + range of superb edifices, the elevation of which is + contrived to have the effect of one palace. The park, in + fact, is now belted with groups of these mansions, entirely + excluding all sight of the streets. Those that are finished, + give a satisfactory earnest of the splendid spirit in which + the whole is to be accomplished. There will be nothing like + it in Europe. The villas in the interior of the park are + planted out from the view of each other, so that the + inhabitant of each seems, in his prospect, to be the sole + lord of the surround-ing picturesque scenery. + + In the centre of the park there is a circular plantation of + im-mense circumference, and in the interior of this you are + in a perfect Arcadia. The mind cannot conceive any thing + more hushed, more sylvan, more entirely removed from the + slightest evidence of proximity to a town. Nothing is + audible there except the songs of birds and the rustling of + leaves. Kensington gardens, beautiful as they are, have no + seclusion so perfect as this. + +~71~~in life we cling still closer to the recollections of our infancy; +the cheerful man loves to dwell over the scenes and frolics of his +boyish days; and we are stricken to the very heart by the removal or +change of these pleasant localities; the loss of an old servant, an old +building, or an old tree, is felt like the loss of an old friend. The +paths, and fields, and rambles of our infancy are endeared to us by +the fondest and the purest feelings of the mind; we lose sight of our +increasing infirmities, as we retrace the joyous mementos of the past, +and gain new vigour as we recall the fleeting fancies and pleasant +vagaries of our earliest days. I am one of those," continued Crony, "who +am doomed to deplore the destructive advances of what generally goes by +the name of improvement; and yet, I am not insensible to the great and +praiseworthy efforts of the sovereign to increase the splendour of the +capital westward; but leave me a few of the green fields and hedgerow +walks which used to encircle the metropolis, or, in a short space, the +first stage from home will only be half-way out of London. A humorous +writer of the day observes, that 'the rage for building fills every +pleasant outlet with bricks, mortar,rubbish,and eternal scaffold-poles, +which, whether you walk east, west, north, or south, seem to be running +after you. I heard a gentleman say, the other day, that he was sure a +resident of the suburbs could scarcely lie down after dinner, and take +a nap, without finding, when he awoke, that a new row of buildings had +started up since he closed his eyes. It is certainly astonishing: one +would think the builders used magic, or steam at least, and it would be +curious to ask those gentlemen in what part of the neighbouring counties +they intend London should end. Not content with separate streets, +squares, and rows, they are actually the founders of new towns, which in +the space of a few months become finished and inhabited. The precincts +of London have more the appearance of a newly-discovered colony than +~72~~the suburbs of an ancient city.{5} And what, sir, will be the +pleasant consequences of all this to posterity? Instead of having houses +built to encumber the earth for a century or two, it is ten to one but +they disencumber the mortgagee, by falling down with a terrible crash +during the first half life, and, perhaps, burying a host of persons in +their ruins. Mere paste-board palaces are the structures of the present +times, composed of lath and plaster, and Parker's cement, a few coloured +bricks, a fanciful viranda, and a balcony, embellished within by the +_decorateur_, and stuccoed or whitewashed without, to give them a +light appearance, and hide the defects of an ignorant architect or an +unskilful builder; while a very few years introduces the occupant to +all the delightful sensations of cracked walls, swagged floors, bulged +fronts, sinking roofs, leaking gutters, inadequate drains, and other +innumerable ills, the effects of an originally bad constitution, which +dispels any thing like the hopes of a reversionary interest, and +clearly proves that without a renovation equal to resurrection, both +the building and the occupant are very likely to fall victims to a rapid +consumption." In this way did Crony contrive to beguile the time, until +we found ourselves entering the arena in front of the Dean's house, +Westminster. "Here, alone," said my old friend, "the hand of the +innovator has not been permitted to intrude; this spot remains +unpolluted; but, for the neighbourhood, alas!" sighed Crony, "that is +changed indeed. The tavern in Union-street, + + 5 For instance: in what a very short time back were the + Bays-water-fields, there is now a populous district, called + by the inhabitants "Moscow;" and at the foot of Primrose- + hill we are amazed by coming upon a large complication of + streets, &c. under the name of "Portland Town." The rustic + and primaeval meadows of Kilburn are also filling with raw + buildings and incipient roads; to say nothing of the + charming neighbourhood of St. John's Wood Farm, and other + spots nearer town. + +~73~~where Charles Churchill, and Lloyd, and Bonnel Thornton used to +meet and mix wit, and whim, and strong potation, has sunk into a common +pot-house, and is wholly neglected by the scholars of the present +time: not that they are a whit more moral than their predecessors, +but, professing to be more refined, they are now to be found at the +Tavistock, or the Hummums, at Long's, or Steven's; more polished in +their pleasures, but more expensive in their pursuits." + +[Illustration: page73] + + +As we approached the centre of Dean's-yard, Crony's visage evidently +grew more sentimental; the curved lips of the cynic straightened to +an expression of kindlier feeling, and ere we had arrived at the +school-door, the old eccentric had mellowed down into a generous +contemplatist. "Ay," said Crony, "on this spot, Mr. Black mantle, half +a century ago, was I, a light-hearted child of whim, as you are now, +associated with some of the greatest names that have since figured in +the history of our times, many of whom are now sleeping in their tombs +beneath a weight of worldly honours, while some few have left a nobler +and a surer monument to exalt them with posterity, the well-earned +tribute of a nation's gratitude, the never-fading fame which attaches +itself to good works and great actions. Among the few families of +my time who might be styled ''_magni nominis_' in college, were the +Finches, the Drummonds, (arch-bishop's sons), and the Markhams. Tom +Steele{6} was on the foundation also, and had much fame in playing +Davus. The Hothams{7} were considered among the lucky hits of +Westminster; the Byngs{8} thought not as lucky as they should have been. +Mr. Drake{9} + + 6 A descendant of the celebrated Sir Richard + Steele, the associate of Addison in the Spectator, Tatler, + Crisis, &c. + + 7 Sir Henry and Sir William Hotham, admirals in the British + navy. + + 8 Viscount Torrington, a rear-admiral of the blue. + + 9 Thomas Tyrwhitt Drake, Esq., (I believe) + member for Agmondesham, Bucks. + +~74~~of Amersham was one of the best scholars of his time; for a +particular act of beneficence, two guineas given out of his private +pocket-money to a poor sufferer by a fire, Dr. Smith gave him a public +reward of some books. Lord Carmarthen{10} here came to the title, on the +death of his eldest brother. Here too he found the Jacksons, and what +was more, the Jacksons{11} found him. Lord Foley had, during his stay +here, two narrow escapes for his life, once being nearly drowned in the +Thames, and secondly, by a hack-horse running away with him: the +last incident was truly ominous of the noble lord's favourite, but +unfortunate pursuits{12}. Sir John St. Aubyn is here said to have formed +his attachments with several established characters in the commercial +world, as Mr. Beckett, and others; which afterwards proved of the +highest consequence to his pursuits and success in life. Lord Bulkley +had the credit of being one of the handsomest and best-humoured boys of +his time, and so he continued through life. Michael Angelo Taylor{13} +was remarkable for his close application, under his tutor Hume, and the +tutor as remarkable for application to him. + +Hatton, junior. Lawyers, if not always good scholars, generally are +something better; with much strong practical sense, and a variety of all +that "makes a ready man; "Hatton was all this, both as to scholarship, +and the pertinent application of it. Though a nephew of Lord Mansfield, +and bred up under his auspices, he was not more remarkable than his +brother George for the love of bullion. His abilities were great, and +they would have been greatly thought of, had he been personally less +locomotive. "Ah, ah," said his uncle, "you'll never prosper till you +learn to stay in a place." He replied, "O never fear, sir, do but get me +a place; and I'll learn of you to stay in it." + + 10 The present Duke of Leeds. + + 11 Dr. Cyril Jackson, afterwards sub-preceptor to his + Majesty, George the Fourth, and since canon of Christ + Church, Oxford. He refused the primacy of Ireland; was an + excellent governor of his college, and died universally + respected at Fulpham, in Sussex, in 1819. Dr. William + Jackson, his brother, who was Bishop of Oxford, was also + Regius Professor of Greek to that university; he died in + 1815. + + 12 His lordship's attachment to the turf is as notorious as + his undeviating practice of the purest principles of honour. + It will not excite surprise, that such conduct has not been + in such pursuits successful. + + 13 The member for Durham. + +~75~~Lord Deerhurst (now Earl of Coventry) had then, as now, very quick +parts, and early insight into beautiful composition. Whatever good thing +he met with, he was always ready with an immediate parallel; Latin, +Greek, or from honesty into English, nothing came amiss to him. He +had a quick sense of the ridiculous; and could scout a character at all +absurd and suspicious, with as much pleasant scurrility as a gentleman +need have. + +Banks always made his own exercises, as his exercises have since made +him. He was a diligent and good boy; and though an early arithmetician, +and fond of numbers, he was as soon distinguished for very honourable +indifference to number one. + +Douglas (now, I believe, Marquis of Queensberry) was remarkable for the +worst penmanship in the school, and the economy of last moments; till +then he seldom thought of an exercise. His favourite exercise was in +Tothill-fields; from whence returning once very late, he instantly +conceived and executed some verses, that were the best of his day. On +another day, he was as prompt, and thought to have been more lucky than +before; when, lo, the next morning he was flogged! for the exercise was +so ill written, that it was not legible even by himself. + +Lord Maiden was remarkable for his powers of engaging, and he then, as +since, made some engagements, which might as well have been let alone. +He made an early promise of all he has since performed. He was very fond +of dramatic entertainments, and he enacted much; was accounted a good +actor; so was his crony, Jack Wilson, so well known at Mrs. Hobart's, +&c., for his fal de ral tit and for his duets with Lady Craven, Lady A. +Foley, &c, &c. + +Lord MANSFIELD, then William Murray, here began his career. When at +school, he was not remarkable for personal courage, or for mental +bravery; though one of the stoutest boys of his standing, he was often +beat by boys a year or two below him; and though then acute and voluble, +his opinions were suppressed and retracted before minds less powerful +but more intrepid than his own. Of his money allowance he was always +so good a manager, ~70~~that he could lend to him who was in need. The +famous exercise which Nicois made such a rout about, was in praise of +abundance: an English theme on this thesis, from Horace-- + + "_Dulce est de magno tollore acervo_. " + +He was in college; and no man on earth could conjecture that in his +own _acervo_ there would ever be aggrandizement, such as it has since +occurred. + +Lord Stormont at school began his knack of oral imitations, and when +a child, could speak quite as well as afterwards; after his uncle, the +disgusting pronunciation of the letter o then too infected his language; +he made it come to the ear like an a. Humorously glancing at this +affectation, Onslow or Stanhope said "Murray's horse is an ass." + +Markham, the Archbishop of York, made an early display of classical +taste, and the diligent cultivation of it. Some of his school exercises +are extant, and show more than a promise of that refinement and +exactness, which afterwards distinguished his performances at Christ +Church. The Latin version of the fragment of Simonides, as beautiful as +any thing in the whole range of poetical imitation, though published +in the Oxford Lachrymo as Mr. Bournes, is known to be written by Mr. +Markham. + +At school, too, Markham's conversation had a particularity known to +distinguish it. War was his favourite topic, and caught, perhaps, from +the worthy major, his father, and from his crony Webb, afterwards the +general. It was apparent upon all occasions; when he was to choose his +reading as a private study, in the sixth form, Caesar was his first book; +and so continuing through most of his leisure time addicted to this +sort of inquiry, the archbishop was afterwards able to talk war with any +soldier in England. But, indeed, what is there he could not talk +equal to any competitor? To the Archbishop Markham, and through him to +Westminster, attach the credit of the good scholarship of the present +king. This is little less than a credit to the country. + +The Marquis of Stafford had fame for his English exercises; and after +saying this of his Wednesday nights' themes, let it also be noted, that +he had fame for other exercises of old England. He could ride, run, row, +and bat better than most of his comtemporaries; in his potations, too, +he was rather deep; but though deep, yet clear; and though gentle, yet +not dull. At once a most jolly fellow, and the most magnificent of his +time,--and so "_ab incepto processerit_." + +The Duke of Dorset, then Sackville, (since dead) was good-humoured, +manly, frank, and passionately fond of various school ~77~~exercises; as +billiards, at the alehouse in Union-street, (then perhaps a tavern) +and _double-fives_ between the two walls at the school-door. For +Tothill-fields fame as to cricket, he was yet more renowned: there he +was the champion of the town-boys against those in college; and in the +great annual match, he had an innings that might have lasted till the +time Baccelli _run him out_, had not the other side given up the game. + +As to the school itself, there it was easy to catch him out; though such +was his address, that he was seldom caught out. When he was in school, +really few boys were there to better purpose; he made several good prose +exercises both in English and Latin; and, what is rare for a boy of +rank, with but small aid from the tutor. + +At school, he shot and rowed pretty well; and as he could not always pay +for his boat in specie, somebody proposed a barter of _Tothill-fields +game_; but he had a soul above it, and what was more, at his elbow +another soul, saying, _Carpamus dulcia_, and of my dressing. That friend +was + +Lord Edward Bentinck, whose culinary fame began on the sparrows and +fieldfares knocked down about the Five Chimnies and Jenny's whim. At a +bill of fare, and the science how dinner should be put before him, he +was then, as since, unrivalled; yet more to his good memorial, he knew +how a dinner should be put before other people. For one day, as he was +beginning to revel in a surreptitious banquet in the Bowling-alley, his +share of the mess Lord Edward gave to the relief of want, which then +happened to be wandering by the window.--"This praise shall last." + +Old Elwes, the late member for Berks, may occur, on the mention of want +wandering by, though, notwithstanding appearance, he suffered nobody +about him to be in such wants as himself. Penurious, perhaps, on small +objects; in those which are greater, he was certainly liberal almost to +prodigality. The hoarding principle might be strong in him, but in the +conduct of it he was often generous, always easy. No man in England +probably lost more money in large sums, for want of asking for it: for +small money, as in farthings to street beggary, few men probably have +lost less. What he had not sufficiently cultivated, was the habit of +letting money easily go. So far, he was the reverse of Charles the +Second; for on greater occasions, again I say it, he seemed to own the +act under the ennobling impulse of systematic generosity, expanding +equally in self-denial, and in social sympathy. He was among the most +dispassionate and tender-tempered men alive; and, considering ~78~~all +things, it might be reasonable to allot him the meed of meekness upon +earth, and of that virtue which seeketh not her own reward. + +His ruling passion was the love of ease. + +The beginnings of all this were more or less discernible at school, +where Lord Mansfield gave him the nick-name of Jack Meggot. + +His other little particularities were the best running and walking in +the school, and the commencement of his fame for riding, which, in the +well-known trials in the Swiss Academy, outdid all competition. Worsley, +of the Board of Works, alone divided the palm; he rode more gracefully. +Elwes was by far the boldest rider. + +The Duke of Portland (who died in 1809) was among the _delicciae_ of each +form at Westminster, in all that appertained to temper, the tenderness +and warmth of feeling, suavity of approach, and the whole passive power +of pleasing. Thus much internal worth, tempered with but little of those +showy powers which dazzle and seduce, gave early promise that he +would escape all intriguing politics, and never degrade himself by the +projects of party; for a party-man must always be comparatively mean, +even on a scale of vicious dignity; in violence, subordinate to the +ruffian; in chicane, below a common town-sharper. + +He had, happily, no talents for party; he was better used by nature. +He seemed formed for the kindliest offices of life; to appreciate the +worth, and establish the dignity of domestic duties; to exemplify the +hardest tasks of friendship and affinity; to display each hospitable +charm. + +All that he afterwards did for Chace Price, and Lord Eduard, appeared +as a flower in its bud, in Dean's-yard and Tothill-fields, with the +fruit-woman under the Gateway, and the coffee-house then opposite. + +In his school-exercises, fame is not remembered to have followed any but +his Wednesday evening themes: some of them were incomparably the best of +the standing. In the rest of the school business, said the master to him +one day, "you just keep on this side whipping." + +His smaller habits were none remarkable, except that his diet was rather +more blameable in the article of wine. A little too early; a little too +much. + +This, probably, more than any hereditary taint, made him, in immediate +manhood, a martyr to the gout. + +Against this, his ancestor's nostrum was tried in vain; the disease +would not yield, till it was overborne by abstinence, which, to the +praise of the duke's temper, he began and continued, with a splendour of +resolution not any where exceeded. + +~79~~The duke had been long estranged from all animal food but fish, and +every fermented liquor. According to the old Latin distich, the poetry +of a water-drinker is said to be short-lived, and not fit to live: +was this proverbial doom extended to what was not poetry, it might be +checked by the prose of the Duke of Portland. Most of his common letters +were among the models of epistolary correspondence. + +The Duke of Beaufort{14} exhibited at school more of the rudiments of +a country gentleman, than the rudiments of Busby; he knew a horse +practically, while other boys took it only from description in Virgil. + +_Stare loco nescit_, was however his motto; and through all the demesnes +adjacent to his little reign, on the water, and in the water, he was +well; on horseback he was yet better; and to ride, or tie, on foot, or +on horseback, no boy of his time was more ready at every good turn. He +loved his friend; and, such were the engaging powers of his very frank +and pleasant manner, his friends all loved him. + +Some encumbrances, _solito de more_ of all boys, with the coffee-house, +for jellies, fruit, &c, left when he left school, he afterwards +discharged with singular eclat. + +In regard to scholarship, he was by no means wanting; though it must +be owned, he wanted always to be better strangers with them. Like many +other boys, he knew much more than he was aware of; for he had as much +aversion to the Greek Epigrams, as the best critic could have; and +in Terence, as he could find nothing to laugh, Lloyd often raised an +opposite emotion. Lloyd, had he lived to this time, would have taken +Terence as a main ingredient in his enjoyments. So benevolent is nature +to fit the feelings of man to his destiny. + +M'Donald, afterwards Solicitor General, was in college, and had then +about him much that was remarkable for good value. + +The different ranks in college are rather arduous trials of temper; and +he that can escape without imputation through them, and be, as it +is called, a junior without meanness, and a senior without obduracy, +exhibits much early promise, both as to talents and virtue. + +This early promise was M 'Donald's. He was well-respected in either +rank, and he deserved it; for he obeyed the time, without being +time-serving; he commanded, as one not forgetting what it was to obey. + +_Par negotiis, neque supra_, characterised his scholarship. + + 14 Died in 1803. + +~80~~He had in every form sufficiency, and sometimes eminence. He +had more facility in Greek than most boys; his English exercises were +conspicuous for language and neatness of turn. + +He was a very uncorrupt boy, and his manners were rather elevated; yet +it is not remembered that he lost popularity even with the worst boys in +the school; the whole secret of which was _specie minus quam vi_. He +was better than he seemed. There was no pride, no offending wish at +seclusion. + +Though not so remarkable for book knowledge as his brother Sir James, +who thus, indeed, was nothing less than a prodigy, yet was M'Donald +extremely well and very variously read. In miscellaneous information, +far more accomplished than any boy of his time. + +Markham, the master, had a high opinion of him; and once, in the midst +of strong and favourable prognostics, said, "There was nothing against +him but what was for him; rank and connections, and the too probable +event of thence advancing into life too forward and too early." + +Markham spoke with much sagacity. The _rosa sera_ is the thing, for +safe and spreading efflorescence. Well as the wreath might be about +M'Donald's brow, it had probably been better, if gathered less eagerly, +if put on later. + +Cock Langford was the son of the auctioneer-- + +And there never was an inheritance of qualities like it. He would have +made as good an auctioneer as his father; a better could not bo. + +Cock Langford, so called, from the other auctioneer Cock, very early in +the school discovered great talents for ways and means; and, by private +contract, could do business as much and as well as his father. + +His exercises were not noted for any excess of merit, or the want of it. +He certainly had parts, if they had been put in their proper direction: +that was trade. In that he might have been conspicuously useful. + +As he was in college, and nothing loath in any occasion that led +to notice, in spite of a lisp in his speech, he played Davus in the +Phormio; which he opened with singidar absurdity, as the four first +words terminate in the letter s, which he, from the imperfection in his +speech, could not help mangling. + +From the patronage of Lord Orford, Mr. Langford had one of the best +livings in Norfolk, L1000 a year; and afterwards, I understand, very +well exemplified the useful and honourable duties of a clergyman +resident on his benefice. + +Hamilton. Every thing is the creature of accident; as that ~81~~works +upon time and place, so are the vicissitudes which follow; vicissitudes +that reach through the whole allotment of man, even to the charm of +character, and the qualities which produce it. + +Physically speaking, human nature can redress itself of climate, can +generate warmth in high latitudes, and cold at the equator; but in +respect to mind and manners, from the law of latitude there is no +appeal. Man, like the plants that grow for him, has a proper sky and +soil: with them to flourish, without them to fade; through either +kingdom, vegetable and moral, in situations that are aquatic, the alpine +nature cannot live. + +All this applies to Hamilton wasting himself at Westminster. "Wild +nature's vigour working at his root;" + +his situation should have been accordingly; where he might have spread +wide and struck deep. + +With more than boyish aptitudes and abilities, he should not thus have +been lost among boys. His incessant intrepidity, his restless curiosity, +his undertaking spirit, all indicated early maturity; all should have +led to pursuits, if not better, at least of more pith and moment than +the mere mechanism of dead language! + +This by Hamilton (disdaining as a business what as an amusement perhaps +might have delighted him) was deemed a dead letter, and as such, +neglected; while he bestowed himself on other mechanism, presenting more +material objects to the mind. + +[Illustration: page081] + +Exercises out of school took place of exercises within. Not that like +Sackville or Hawkins, he had a ball at every leisure moment in his +hand; but, preferably to fives or cricket, he would amuse himself in +mechanical pursuits; little in themselves, but great as to what they +might have been convertible. + +In the fourth form, he produced a red shoe of his own making. And though +he never made a pocket watch, and probably might mar many, yet all the +interior machinery he knew and could name. The whole movement he took to +pieces, and replaced. + +The man who is to find out the longitude, cannot have beginnings; better +than these. Count Bruhl, since Madge's death, the best watch-maker of +his time, did not raise more early wonder. + +Besides this, Hamilton was to be found in every daring oddity. Lords +Burlington and Kent, in all their rage for porticos, were nothing to him +in a rage for pediments. + +For often has the morning caught him scaling the high pediments of the +school-door, and at peril of Ins life clambering down, opening the door +within, before the boy who kept the gate could come with the key. His +evenings set upon no less perils; in pranks with gunpowder; in leaping +from unusual heights into the ~82~~Thames. As a practical geographer +of London, and Heaven only knows how many miles round it, omniscient +Jackson himself could not know more. + +All this, surely, was intrinsically right, wrong only in its direction. +Had he been sent to Woolwich, he might have come out, if not a rival of +the Duke of Richmond, then master of the ordnance, at least a first-rate +engineer. In economical arts and improvements, nothing less than +national, he might have been the Duke of Bridgewater of Ireland. Had the +sea been his profession, Lord Mulgrave might have been less alone in the +rare union of science and enterprise. + +But all this capability of usefulness and fair fame, was brought to +nought by the obstinate absurdity of the people about him; nothing could +wean them from Westminster. His grandfather Roan, or Rohan, an old man +who saved much money in Rathbone-place, and spent but little of it +every evening at Slaughter's coffee-house, holding out large promise to +property, so became absolute; and absolute nonsense was his conduct to +his grandson. He persevered in the school; where, if a boy disaffects +book-knowledge, his books are only bought and sold. And after +Westminster, when the old man died, as if solicitous that every thing +about his grave, but poppy and mandragora, should grow downwards, +his will declared his grandson the heir, but not to inherit till he +graduated at Cambridge. + +To Cambridge therefore he went; where having pursued his studies, as it +is called, in a ratio inverse and descending, he might have gone on from +bad to worse; and so, as many do, putting a grave face upon it, he might +have had his degree. But his animal spirits, and love of bustle, could +not go off thus undistinguished; and so, after coolly attempting +to throw a tutor into the Cam--after shaking all Cambridge from its +propriety by a night's frolic, in which he climbed the sign-posts, and +changed the principal signs, he was rusticated; till the good-humour of +the university returning, he was re-admitted, and enabled to satisfy his +grandfather's will! + +After that, he behaved with much gallantry in America; and with good +address in that very disagreeable affair, the contested marriage of his +sister with Mr. Beresford the clergyman. + +Indeed, through the intercourse of private life he was very amiable. The +same suavity of speech, courteous attentions, and general good-nature, +he had when a boy, continued and improved: good qualities the more to be +prized, as the less probable, from his bold and eager temper, from the +turbulence of his wishes, and the hurry of his pursuits. + +~83~~Jekyl had in part, when a boy, the same happy qualities which +afterwards distinguished him so entirely: in his economy of time, in his +arts of arranging life, and distributing it exactly, between what was +pleasant and what was grave. + +With vigorous powers and fair pursuits, the doing one thing at a time is +the mode to do every thing. Had Jekyl no other excellence than this, I +could not be surprised when he became attorney-general. + +"When you got into the place of your ancestor, Sir Joseph," said the +tutor of Jekyl to him, "let this be your motto: + + _Et properare loco, et Cesare_." + +"Jekyl," said Mrs. Hobart one day, struck with the same address and +exactness, "do you know, if you were a painter, Poussin would be nothing +to you in the balance of a scene." + +Several of his English exercises, and his verses, will not easily be +forgotten. And it will be remembered also, in a laughable way, that he +was as mischievous as a gentleman need be; the mobbing a vulgar, the +hoaxing a quiz, all the dialect of the Thames below Chelsea-reach, and +the whole reach of every thing, pleasant but wrong, which the school +statutes put out of reach, but what are the practice of the wits, and +of every gentleman who would live by the statutes. All these were among +Jekyl's early peculiarities, and raised his fame very high for spirit +and cleverness. + + "So sweet and voluble was his discourse." + +He was very popular among all the boys of his time. And he had a knack +yet more gratifying, of recommending himself to the sisters and cousins +of the boys he visited. + +And he well held up in theory what he afterwards exemplified in fact. +For in one of the best themes of the time on this subject, + + "_Non formosus erat, sod erat facundus Ulysses_," + +he was much distinguished. + +~84~~"But the grave has closed upon most of the gay spirits of my +earlier time," said Crony; "and I alone remain the sad historian. Yonder +porch leads to the dormitory and school-room.{15} + + 'There Busby's awful picture decks the place, + Shining where once he shone a living grace.' + + 15 This school was founded by Queen Elizabeth in 1560, for + the education of forty boys, denominated king's scholars + from the royalty of their founders; besides which, the + nobility and gentry send their sons thither for instruction, + so that this establishment vies with Eton in celebrity and + respectability. The school is not endowed with lands and + possessions specifically appropriated to its own + maintenance, but is attached to the general foundation of + the collegiate church of Westminster, as far as relates to + the support of the king's scholars. It is under the care of + the dean and chapter of Westminster, conjointly with the + dean of Christ Church, Oxford, and the master of Trinity, + Cambridge, respect-ing the election of scholars to their + respective colleges. The foundation scholars sleep in the + dormitory, a building erected from the design and under the + superintendence of the celebrated Earl of Burlington, in the + reign of George the First; and in this place the annual + theatrical exhibitions take place; the scenery and + arrangements having been contrived under the direction of + Mr. Garrick, were presented by Archbishop Markham, the + former master of the school. The king's scholars are distin- + guished from the town-boys, or independents, by a gown, cap, + and college waistcoat; they have their dinner in the hall, + but seldom take any other meal in college; they pay for + education and accommodation as the town-boys; eight of them + are generally elected at the end of the fourth year to the + colleges above-named; they have studentships at Oxford, and + scholarships at Cambridge; the former worth from forty to + sixty pounds per annum, but the latter of small beneficial + consideration. The scholars propose themselves for the + foundation by challenge, and contend with each other in + Latin and Greek every day for eight weeks successively, when + the eight at the head of the number are chosen according to + vacancies. This contest occasions the king's scholarships to + be much sought after, as it becomes the ground-work of + reputation, and incites desire to excel. There are four boys + who are called Bishop's boys, from their being established + by Williams, Bishop of Lincoln; they have a gratuitous + education, and a small allowance which is suffered to + accumulate till the period of their admission into St. + John's College, Cambridge; they are distinguished by wearing + a purple gown, and are nominated by the dean and head- + master. + +What a cloud of recollections, studded with bright and variegated +lights, passes before my inward vision! Stars of eminence in every +branch of learning, science, and public duties, who received their +education within those walls; old Westminsters, whose fame will last as +long as old England's records, and who shall doubt ~85~~that will be to +the end of time? Here grew into manhood and renown the Lord Burleigh, +King, Bishop of London, the poet Cowley, the great Dryden, Charles +Montague, Earl of Halifax, Dr. South, Matthew Prior, the tragedian +Rowe, Bishop Hooper, Kennet, Bishop of Peterborough, Dr. Friend, the +physician, King, Archbishop of Dublin, the philosopher Locke, Atterbury, +Bishop of Rochester, Bourne, the Latin poet, Hawkins Browne, Boyle, Earl +of Cork and Orrery, Carteret, Earl of Granville, Charles Churchill, the +English satirist, Frank Nicholls, the anatomist, Gibbon, the historian, +George Colman, Bonnel Thornton, the great Earl of Mansfield, Clayton +Mordaunt Cracherode, Richard Cumberland, the poet Cowper. These are only +a few of the great names which occur to me at this moment; but here is +enough to immortalize the memory of the old Westminsters." + + + + +ON FEASTERS AND FEASTING. + + On the Attachment of the Moderns to Good Eating and + Drinking--Its Consequences and Operation upon Society-- + Different Description of Dinner Parties--Royal--Noble-- + Parliamentary--Clerical--Methodistical--Charitable-- + Theatrical--Legal--Parochial--Literary--Commercial and + Civil Gourmands--Sketches at a Side-table, by Bernard + Blackmantle. + +~86~~ + + "There are, while human miseries abound, + A thousand ways to waste superfluous wealth, + Without one fool or flatterer at your board, + Without one hour of sickness or disgust." + --Armstrong. + +In such esteem is good eating held by the moderns, that the only way in +which Englishmen think they can celebrate any important event, or effect +any charitable purpose, is by a good dinner. From the palace to the +pot-house, the same affection for good eating and drinking pervades all +classes of mankind. The sovereign, when he would graciously condescend +to bestow on any individual some mark of his special favour, invites +him to the royal banquet, seats him _tete-a-tete_ with the most polished +prince in Europe; by this act of royal notice exalts him in the +public eye, and by the suavity and elegance of his manners rivets his +affections and secures his zeal for the remainder of his life. The +ministers too have their state dinners, where all important questions +are considered before they are submitted to the grand council of the +nation. The bishops dine in holy ~87~~conclave to benefit Christianity, +and moralize over Champagne on the immorality of mankind. The judges +dine with the lord chancellor on the first day of term, and try their +powers of mastication before they proceed to try the merits of their +fellow citizens' causes. A lawyer must eat his way to the bar, labouring +most voraciously through his commons dinners in the Temple or Lincoln's +Inn Halls, before he has any chance of success in common law, common +pleas, or common causes in the court of King's Bench or Chancery. The +Speaker's parliamentary dinners are splendid spreads for poor senators; +but sometimes the feast is infested with rats, whom his majesty's royal +rat-catcher immediately cages, and contrives, by the aid of a blue +or red ribband, to render extremely useful and docile. Your orthodox +ministers dine on tithes, turtle, and Easter offerings, until they +become as sleek as their own velvet cushions, and eke from charity to +mankind almost as red in the face from the ruby tint of red port, +and the sorrowful recollections of sin and death. The methodist and +sectarians have their pious love feasts--bachelor's fare, bread and +butter and kisses, with a dram of comfort at parting, I suppose. The +deaf, the dumb, the lame, the blind, all have their annual charitable +dinnerings; and even the Actor's Fund is almost entirely dependent on +the fund of amusement they contrive to offer to their friends at their +annual fund dinner. The church-wardens dine upon a child, and the +overseers too often upon the mite extorted from the poor. Even modern +literature is held in thraldom by the banquetings of modern booksellers +and publishers, who by this method contrive to cram the critics with +their crudities, and direct the operation of their servile pens in the +cutting up of poor authors. At the Publisher's Club, held at the Albion, +Dr. Kitchener and Will Jerdau rule the roast; here these worthies may be +heard commenting with ~88~~profound critical consistency on culinaries +and the classics, gurgling down heavy potations of black strap, and +making still heavier remarks upon black letter bibliomania, until all +the party are found labouring "_Dare pondus idonea fumo_," or, in the +language of Cicero, it may be justly said of them, "_Damnant quod non +intelligent_." The magnifico Murray has his merry meetings, where new +books are made palatable to certain tastes by sumptuous feastings, and +a choice supply of old wines. Colburn brings his books into notice by +first bringing his dinner _coteries_ into close conclave; and Longman's +monthly melange of authors and critics is a literary statute dinner, +where every guest is looking out for a liberal engagement. + +[Illustration: page089] + +Even the booksellers themselves feast one another before they buy and +sell; and a trade sale, without a trade dinner to precede it, would be +a very poor concern indeed. Fire companies and water companies, bubble +companies and banking companies, all must be united and consolidated by +a good dinner company. Your fat citizen, with a paunch that will scarce +allow him to pass through the side avenue of Temple Bar, marks his feast +days upon his sheet almanack, as a lawyer marks his term list with a +double dash, thus =, and shakes in his easy chair like a sack of blubber +as lie recapitulates the names of all the glorious good things of which +he has partaken at the annual civic banquet at Fishmonger's Hall, or the +Bible Association dinner at the City of London Tavern: at the mention +of white bait, his lips smack together with joy, and he lisps out +instinctively Blackwall: talk of a rump steak and Dolly's, his eyes grow +wild with delight; and just hint at the fine green fat of a fresh +killed turtle dressed at Birch's, and his whole soul's in arms for a +corporation dinner. Reader, I have been led into this strain of thinking +by an excursion I am about to make with Alderman Marigold and family, +~89~~to enjoy the pleasures of a Sunday ordinary in the suburbs of +the metropolis; an old fashioned custom that is now fast giving way +to modern notions of refinement, and is therefore the more worthy of +characteristic record. + +Bernard Blackmantle. + +[Illustration: page89b] + + + + +A SUNDAY RAMBLE TO HIGHGATE, + +OR, THE CITS ORDINARY. + + Bernard Blackmantle's first Excursion with the Marigold + Family--Lucubrations of the Alderman on the Alterations of + the Times--Sketches and Recollections on the Road--The Past + and the Present--Arrival at the Gate House, Highgate--The + Cit's Ordinary--Traits of Character--The Water Drinker, the + Vegetable Eater, and the Punster--Tom Cornish, the + Gourmand--Anecdote of old Tattersall and his Beef Eater-- + Young Tat. and the Turnpike Man. + +~90~~"May I never be merry more," said the alderman, "if we don't go a +Maying on Sunday next, and you must accompany us, Master Blackmantle: I +always make a country excursion once a year, to wit, on the first Sunday +in May, when we join a very jolly party at the Gate House, Highgate, and +partake of an excellent ordinary." + +"I thought, Pa, you would have given up that vulgar custom when we +removed westward, and you were elected alderman of the ward of Cheap." + +"Ay," said Mrs. Marigold, "if you wish to act politely to your wife and +daughter write to the Star and Garter at Richmond, or the Toy at Hampton +Court, and order a choice dinner beforehand for a select party; then we +should be thought something of, and be able to dine in comfort, without +being ~91~~_scrowged_ up in a corner by a Leadenhall landlady, or +elbowed out of every mouthful by a Smithfield salesman." + +"There it is, Mr. Blackmantle, that's the evil of a man having a few +pounds more in his purse than his neighbours--it makes him miserable +with his family at home, and prevents him associating with old friends +abroad. If you marry my Biddy, make these conditions with her--to +dispense with all Mrs. Marigold's maxims on modern manners, and be at +liberty to smoke your pipe where, and with whom you please." + +"I declare, Pa, one would imagine you wished Mr. Blackmantle to lose all +his manners directly after marriage, and all respect for his intended +bride beforehand." + +"Nothing of the sort, Miss Sharpwit; but, ever since I made the +last fortunate contract, you and your mother have contracted a most +determined dislike to every thing social and comfortable--haven't I +cut the Coger's Society in Bride Lane, and the Glee Club at the Ram in +Smithfield? don't I restrain myself to one visit a week to the Jolly Old +Scugs{1} Society in Abchurch Lane? haven't I declined the chair of the +Free and Easy Johns, and given up my command in the Lumber Troop?--are +these no sacrifices? is it nothing to have converted my ancestors' large +estate in Thames Street into warehouses, and emigrated westward to be +confined in one of your kickshaw cages in Tavistock Square? Don't I keep +a chariot and a chaise for your comfort, and consent to be crammed up +in a corner at a concert party to hear some foreign stuff I don't +understand? Plague take your drives in Hyde Park and promenades in +Kensington Gardens! give me the society where I can eat, drink, laugh, +joke, and smoke + + 1 Blue coat boys. The others are all well-known anacreontic + meetings held in the city. + +~92~~as I like, without being obliged to watch every word and action, +as if my tongue was a traitor to my head, and my stomach a tyrant of +self-destruction." + +The alderman's remonstrance was delivered with so much energy and good +temper, that there was no withstanding his argument; a hearty laugh, +at the conclusion, from Miss Biddy and myself, accompanied by an +ejaculation of "Poor man, how ill you are used!" from his lady, restored +all to good-humour, and obtained the "_quid pro quo_," a consent on +their parts to yield to old customs, and, for once in a way, to allow +the alderman to have a day of his own. The next morning early an open +barouche received our party, the coachman being particularly cautioned +not to drive too fast, to afford the alderman an opportunity of +_luxuriating_ upon the reminiscences of olden time. + +As the carriage rolled down the hill turning out of the New Road the +alderman was particularly eloquent in pointing out and describing the +once celebrated tea gardens, Bagnigge Wells. + +"In my young days, sir, this place was the great resort of city elegance +and fashion, and divided the town with Vauxhall. Here you might see on +a Sunday afternoon, or other evenings, two thirds of the corporation +promenading with their wives and daughters; then there was a fine organ +in the splendid large room, which played for the entertainment of +the company, and such crowds of beautiful women, and gay fellows in +embroidered suits and lace ruffles, all powdered and perfumed like a +nosegay, with elegant cocked hats and swords in their sides; then there +were such rural walks to make love in, take tea or cyder, and smoke a +pipe; you know, Mrs. Marigold, you and I have had many a pleasant hour +in those gardens during our courting days, when the little naked Cupid +used to sit astride of a swan, and the water spouted from its beak as +high as the ~93~~monument; then the grotto was so delightful and +natural as life, and the little bridge, and the gold fish hopping about +underneath it, made it quite like a terrestrial paradise{2}; but about +that time Dr. Whitfield and the Countess of Huntingdon undertook to +save the souls of all the sinners, and erected a psalm-singing shop in +Tottenham Court Road, where they assembled the pious, and made wry +faces at the publicans and sinners, until they managed to turn the heads +without turning the hearts of a great number of his majesty's liege +subjects, and by the aid of cant and hypocrisy, caused the orthodox +religion of the land to be nearly abandoned; but we are beginning to +be more enlightened, Mr. Blackmantle, and Understand these _trading_ +missionaries and _Bible merchants_ much better than they could wish us +to have done. Then, sir, the Pantheon, in Spa Fields, was a favourite +place of resort for the bucks and gay ladies of the time; and Sadler's +Wells and Islington Spa were then in high repute for their mineral +waters. At White Conduit House the Jews and Jewesses of the metropolis +held their carnival, and city apprentices used to congregate at Dobney's +bowling-green, afterwards named, in compliment to Garrick's Stratford +procession, the Jubilee tea-gardens; those were the times to grow rich, +Mr. Blackmantle, when half-a-crown would cover the day's expenditure of +five persons, and behave liberally too."--In our way through Islington, +the alderman pointed out to us the place as formerly celebrated for a +weekly consumption of cakes and ale; and as we passed through Holloway, +informed us that it was in former time equally notorious for its +cheese-cakes, the fame of which attracted vast numbers on + + 2 Upon reference to an old print of Bagnigge Wells, I find + the alderman's description of the place to be a very + faithful portrait. The Pantheon is still standing, but + converted into a methodist chapel. + +~94~~the Sunday, who, having satiated themselves with pastry, would +continue their rambles to the adjacent places of Hornsey Wood House, +Colney Hatch, and Highgate, returning by the way of Hampstead to town. + +The topographical reminiscences of the alderman were illustrated as +we proceeded by the occasional sallies of Mrs. Marigold's satire: +"she could not but regret the depravity of the times, that enabled low +shop-keepers and servants to dress equal to their betters: it is now +quite impossible to enjoy society and be comfortable in public, without +being associated with your tallow-chandler, or your butcher, or take a +pleasant drive out of town, without meeting your linen-draper, or your +tailor, better mounted or in a more fashionable equipage than yourself." + +"All for the good of trade," said the alderman: "it would be very hard +indeed if those who enable others to cut a dash all the week could not +make a splash themselves on a Sunday; besides, my dear, it's a matter of +business now-a-days: many of your kickshaw tradesmen west of Temple Bar +find it as necessary to consult _appearances_ in the park and watch the +_new come outs_, as I do to watch the stock market: if they find their +customers there in good feather and high repute, they venture to cover +another leaf in their ledger; but if, on the contrary, they appear shy, +only show of a Sunday, and are cut by the nobs, why then they understand +it's high time to close the account, and it's very well for them if they +are ever able to _strike a balance_." + +At the conclusion of this colloquy, we had arrived at the Gate House, +Highgate, just in time to hear the landlord proclaim that dinner was +that moment about to be served up: the civic rank of the alderman did +not fail to obtain its due share of servile attention from Boniface, who +undertook to escort our party into the room, and having announced the +consequence ~95~~of his guests, placed the alderman and his family at +the head of the table. + +I have somewhere read, "there is as much valour expected in feasting as +in fighting; "and if any one doubts the truth of the axiom, let him try +with a hungry stomach to gratify the cravings of nature at a crowded +ordinary--or imagine a well disposed group of twenty persons, all in +high appetite and "eager for the fray" sitting down to a repast scantily +prepared for just half the number, and crammed into a narrow room, where +the waiters are of necessity obliged to wipe every dish against your +back, or deposit a portion of gravy in your pocket, to say nothing of +the sauce with which a remonstrance is sure to fill both your ears. Most +of the company present upon this occasion appeared to have the organs +of destructiveness to an extraordinary degree, and mine host of the +Gate House, who is considered an excellent physiognomist, looked on with +trembling and disastrous countenance, as he marked the eager anxiety of +the expectant _gourmands_ sharpening their knives, and spreading their +napkins, at the shrine of Sensuality, exhibiting the most voracious +symptoms of desire to commence the work of demolition. + +A small tureen of mock turtle was half lost on its entrance, by being +upset over the leg of a dancing-master, who capered about the room to +double quick time, from the effects of a severe scalding; on which the +alderman (with a wink) observed, that the gentleman had no doubt caused +many a _calf s head to dance_ about in his time, and now he had met +with a rich return. "I'll bring an action against the landlord for the +carelessness of his waiter." "You had better not," said the alderman. +"Why not, sir?" replied the smarting son of Terpsichore. "Because you +have only _one leg to stand on_." This sally produced a general laugh, +and restored all to good humour. On the appearance of a fine cod's head +and shoulders, the ~96~~rosy gills of Marigold seemed to extend with +extatic delight; while a dozen voices assailed him at once with "I'll +take fish, if you please." "Ay, but you don't take me for a fag: if +you please, gentlemen, I shall help the ladies first, then myself and +friend, and afterwards you may divide the _omnium and scrip_ just as you +please." + +"What a strange animal!" whispered the dancing master to his next +neighbour, an old conveyancer. "Yes, sir," replied the man of law, "a +city shark, I think, that will swallow all our share of the fish." + +"Don't you think, Mr. Alderman," said a lusty lady on the opposite side +of the table, "the fish is rather _high_?" + +"No, ma'ain, it's my opinion," (looking at the fragments) "the company +will find it rather low." + +"Ay, but I mean, Mr. Alderman, it's not so _fresh_ as it might be." + +"Why the head did whisper to me, ma'am, that he had not been at sea +these ten days; only I thought it rude to repeat what was told me +in confidence, and I'm not fond of _fresh things_ myself, am I, Mrs. +Marigold? Shall I help you to a little fowl, ma'am, a wing, or a merry +thought?" + +"Egad! Mr. Alderman, you are always ready to assist the company with the +latter." + +"Yes, ma'am, always happy to help the ladies to a __tit bit: shall I +send you the _recorder's nose_? Bless my heart, how warm it is! Here, +Joe, hang my wig behind me, and place that calf's-head before me." (See +Plate.) + +"Very sorry, ma'am, very sorry indeed," said Mr. Deputy Flambeau to the +lady next him, whose silk dress he had just bespattered all over; "could +not have supposed this little pig had so much gravy in him," as Lady +Macbeth says. + +"I wish you'd turn that ere nasty thing right round, Mr. Deputy," +growled out a city ~97~~costermonger, "'cause my wife's quite alarmed +for her _grose_ de Naples." + +"Not towards me, if you please, Mr. Deputy," simpered out Miss Marigold, +"because thereby hangs a tail, i.e. (tale)." + +"That's my Biddy's ultimatum," said the alderman; "she never makes more +than one good joke a day." + +"If they are all as good as the last, they deserve the benefit of +frequent resurrection, alderman." + +"Why so, Mr. Blackmantle?" + +"Because they will have the merit of being very funny upon a very grave +subject--_jeu d'esprits_ upon our latter end." + +"Could you make room for three more gentlemen?" said the waiter, +ushering in three woe-begone knights of the trencher, who, having heard +the fatal clock strike when at the bottom of the hill, and knowing the +punctuality of the house, had toiled upwards with breathless anxiety +to be present at the first attack, and arrived at the end of the +second course, _just in time to be too late_. "Confound all clocks and +clockmakers! set my watch by Bishopsgate church, and made sure I was +a quarter too fast." "Very sorry, gentlemen, very sorry, indeed," said +Boniface; "nothing left that is eatable--not a chop or a steak in the +house; but there is an excellent ordinary at the Spaniards, about a mile +further down the lane; always half an hour later than ours." "Ay, it's +a grievous affair, landlord; but howsomdever, if there's nothing to +eat, why we must go: we meant to have done you justice to-day--but never +mind, we'll be in time for you another Sunday, old gentleman, depend +upon it; "and with this significant promise the three _hungarians_ +departed, not a little disappointed. + +"Those three men are no ordinary customers," said our host; "they have +done us the honour to dine here _before_, and what is more, of leaving +nothing _behind_; one of them is the celebrated Yorkshireman, Tom +~98~~Cornish, whom General Picton pitted against a Hanoverian glutton +to eat for a fortnight, and found, at the end of a week, that he was +a whole bullock, besides twelve quartern loaves, and half a barrel of +beer, ahead of his antagonist; and if the Hanoverian had not given up, +Tom would have eaten the rations of a whole company. His father is said +to have been equally gluttonous and penurious, and could eat any given +quantity: this person once dining with a member of the Society of +Friends, who was also a scion of Elwes' school, after having eat enough +for four moderate visitors, re-helped himself, exclaiming, 'You see it's +cut and come again with me! 'to which the sectarian gravely replied, +'Friend, cut again thou may'st, but come again thou never shalt.'" + +"Ay, that's a very good joke, landlord," said the alderman; "but you +know I am up to your jokes: you think these long stories will save your +mutton, but there you're wrong--they only give time to take breath; so +bring in the sirloin and the saddle of mutton, waiter; and when +we've done dinner I'll tell you an anecdote of old Tattersall and his +beef-eater, which occurred at this house in a former landlord's time. +Come, Mr. Blackmantle, let me send you a slice of the sirloin, and tell +us what you think of good eating." + +"That the wit of modern times directs all its rage _ad gulam_; and the +only inducement to study is _erudito luxu_, to please the palate, and +satisfy the stomach. Even my friend Ebony, the northern light, has cast +off the anchorite, and sings thus jollily: + + 'The science of eating is old, + Its antiquity no man can doubt: + Though Adam was squeamish, we're told, + Eve soon found a _dainty bit_ out.' + +"We talk of the degeneracy of the moderns, as if men now-a-days were +in every respect inferior to their ~99~~ancestors; but I maintain, and +challenge contradiction, that there are many stout rubicund gentlemen +in this metropolis that might be backed for eating or drinking with +any Bacchanalian or masticator since the days of Adam himself. What was +_Offellius Bibulus_, the Roman parasite, or _Silenus Ebrius_, or _Milo_, +who could knock down an ox, and eat him up directly afterwards, compared +to Tom Cornish, or Richardson the oyster eater?{3} or what are all these +opposed to the Oxonian, who, a short time since, went to the Swan at +Bedford, and ordered dinner? a goose being brought, he hacked it in a +style at which Mrs. Glass would have fainted; indeed so wretched was +the mutilated anatomy, in appearance, from bad carving, that, being +perfectly ashamed of it, he seized the moment when some poor mendicant +implored his charity at the window, deposited the remains of the goose +in his apron, rang the bell, and asked for his bill: the waiter gazed a +moment at the empty dish, and then rushing to the landlord, exclaimed, +'Oh! measter, measter, the gentleman eat the goose, bones and all!' and +the worthies of Bedford believe the wondrous tale to this day." + +To return to Tom Cornish, our host informed us his extraordinary powers +of mastication were well known, and dreaded by all the tavern-keeping +fraternity who had Sunday ordinaries within ten miles round London, with +some of whom he was a regular annuitant, receiving a trifle once a +year, in lieu of giving them a _benefit_, as he terms the filling of +his voracious paunch. A story is told of his father, who is said to have +kept a very scanty table, that dining one Saturday with + + 3 In 1762, says Evelyn in his Diary, "one Richardson, + amongst other feats, performed the following: taking a live + coal on his tongue, he put on it a raw oyster; the coal was + blown on with a bellows, till it flamed in his mouth, and so + remained till the oyster gaped, and was quite boiled." + Certainly the most simple of all cooking apparatus. + +~100~~his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, he whispered in his ear, +"Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow." "O yes," retorted the +half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for yesterday, and the day before +yet, father." In short, Tom makes but one hearty meal in a week, and +that one might serve a troop of infantry to digest. The squalling of an +infant at the lower end of the room, whose papa was vainly endeavouring +to pacify the young gourmand with huge spoonfuls of mock-turtle, drew +forth an observation from the alderman, that had well nigh disturbed the +entire arrangement of the table, and broke up the harmony of the scene +"with most admired disorder;" for on the head of the Marigold family +likening the youngster's noise to a chamber organ, and quaintly +observing that they always had music during dinner at Fishmongers' Hall, +the lady mother of the infant, a jolly dame, who happened to be engaged +in the shell fish line, took the allusion immediately to herself, and +commenced such a furious attack upon the alderman as proved her having +been regularly matriculated at the college in Thames Street. + +When the storm subsided the ladies had vanished, and the alderman moved +an adjournment to what he termed the _snuggery_, a pleasant little +room on the first floor, which commanded a delightful prospect over the +adjacent country. Here we were joined by three eccentric friends of the +Marigold family, who came on the special invitation of the alderman, +Mr. Peter Pendragon, a celebrated city punster, Mr. Philotus Wantley, +a vegetable dieter, and Mr. Galen Cornaro, an abominator of wine, and a +dyspeptic follower of Kitchener and Abernethy--a trio of singularities +that would afford excellent materials for my friend Richard Peake, the +dramatist, in mixing up a new _monopolylogue_ for that facetious child +of whim and wit, the inimitable Charles Mathews. Our first story, while +the wine was decantering, proceeded from the ~101~~alderman, who having +been driven from the dinner table somewhat abruptly by the amiable _caro +sposa_ of the fish-merchant, had failed in giving us his promised +anecdote of old Tattersall and his beef-eater. "I have dined with him +often in this house," said the alderman, "in my earlier days, and a +pleasant, jovial, kindhearted fellow he was, one who would ride a long +race to be present at a good joke, and never so happy as when he could +trot a landlord, or knock down an argument monger with his own weapons. +The former host of the Gate House was a bit of a screw, and old Tat knew +this; so calling in one day, as if by accident, Tat sat him down to a +cold round of beef, by way of luncheon, and having taken some half ounce +of the meat, with a few pickles, requested to know what he had to pay +for his eating. 'Three shillings, sir,' said the waiter. 'Three devils!' +ejaculated Tat, with strong symptoms of surprise, for in those days +three shillings would have nearly purchased the whole round: 'send in +your master.' In walks the host, and Tat renewed his question, receiving +in reply a reiteration of the demand, but accompanied with this +explanation, that peck high or peck low, it was all the same price: 'in +short, sir,' said the host, 'I keep this house, and I mean the house +should keep me, and the only way I find to insure that is to make the +short stomachs pay for the long ones.' 'Very well,' said Tat, paying the +demand, 'I shall remember this, and bring a friend to dine with you +another day.' At this time Tat had in his employ a fellow called Oxford +Will, notorious for his excessive gluttony, a very famine breeder, who +had won several matches by eating for a wager, and who had obtained the +appellation of Tattersall's beef-eater. This fellow Tat dressed in +decent style, and fixing him by his side in the chaise, drove up to the +Gate House on a Sunday to dine at the ordinary, taking care to be in +excellent time, and making a previous appointment with a few friends +~102~~to enjoy the joke. At dinner Will was, by arrangement, placed in +the chair, and being well instructed and prepared for execution, was +ably supported by Tat and his friends: the host, too, who was in +excellent humour, quite pleased to see such a numerous and respectable +party, apologised repeatedly, observing that he would have provided more +abundantly had he known of the intended honour: in this way all things +proceeded very pleasantly with the first course, Will not caring to make +any very wonderful display of his masticatory prowess with either of the +_unsubstantials_, fish or soup; but when a fine _aitch-bone_ of beef +came before the gourmand, he stuck his fork into the centre, and, +unheedful of the ravenous solicitations of those around him requesting a +slice, proceeded to demolish the whole joint, with as much celerity as +the hyena would the harmless rabbit: the company stared with +astonishment; the landlord, to whom the waiters had communicated the +fact, entered the room in breathless haste; and on observing the empty +dish, and hearing Will direct the waiter to take away the bone and bring +him a clean plate, was apparently thunder-struck: but how much was his +astonishment increased upon perceiving Will help himself to a fine young +turkey, stuffed with sausages, which he proceeded to dissect with +anatomical ability, and by this time the company understanding the joke, +he was allowed uninterruptedly to deposit it in his immense capacious +receptacle, denominated by old Tat the _fathomless vacuum_. Hitherto the +company had been so completely electrified by the extra-ordinary powers +of the glutton, that astonishment had for a short time suspended the +activity of appetite, as one great operation of nature will oftentimes +paralyze the lesser affections of the body; but, as Will became +satisfied, the remainder of the party, stimulated by certain +compunctious visitings of nature, called cravings of the stomach, gave +evident symptoms of ~103~~a very opposite nature: in vain the landlord +stated his inability to produce more viands, he had no other provisions +in the house, it was the sabbath-day, and the butchers' shops were shut, +not a chop or a steak could be had: here Will feigned to join his +affliction with the rest--he could have enjoyed a little snack more, by +way of finish. This was the climax; the party, according to previous +agreement, determined to proceed to the next inn to obtain a dinner; the +landlord's remonstrance was perfectly nugatory; they all departed, +leaving Tat and his man to settle with the infuriated host; and when the +bill was brought in they refused to pay one sixpence more than the usual +demand of three shillings each, repeating the landlord's own words, that +peck high or peck low, it was all the same price." + +With the first glass of wine came the inspiring toast of "The Ladies," +to which Mr. Philotus Wantley demurred, not on account of the sex, for +he could assure us he was a fervent admirer, but having studied the +wise maxims of Pythagoras, and being a disciple of the Brahma school, +abominators of flesh and strong liquors, he hoped to be excused, by +drinking the ladies in _aqua pura_.--" Water is a monstrous drink for +Christians!" said the alderman, "the sure precursor of coughs, colds, +consumptions, agues, dropsies, pleurisies, and spleen. I never knew +a water-drinker in my life that was ever a fellow of any spirit, mere +morbid anatomies, starvelings and hypochondriacs: your water-drinkers +never die of old age, but melancholy."--"Right, right, alderman," said +Mr. Pendragon; "a cup of generous wine is, in my opinion, excellent +physic; it makes a man lean, and reduces him to friendly dependence on +every thing that bars his way: sometimes it is a little grating to +his feelings, to be sure, but it generally passes off with an hic-cup. +According to Galen, sir, the waters of _Astracan_ breed worms in +those who taste them; those ~104~~of _Verduri_, the fairest river in +Macedonia, make the cattle who drink of them black, while those of +Peleca, in Thessaly, turn every thing white; and Bodine states that the +stuttering of the families of Aquatania, about Labden, is entirely owing +to their being water-drinkers: a man might as well drink of the river +Styx as the river Thames, '_Stygio monstrum conforme paludi_,' a +monstrous drink, thickened by the decomposition of dead Christians and +dead brutes, and purified by the odoriferous introduction of gas water +and puddle water, joined to a pleasant and healthy amalgamation of all +the impurities of the common sewers. + + 'As nothing goes in so thick, + And nothing comes out so thin, + It must follow, of course, + That no-thing can be worse, + As the dregs are all left within.'" + +"Very well, Mr. Pendragon, very well, indeed," said Mr. Galen Cornaro, +an eccentric of the same school, but not equally averse to wine; +"'temperance is a bridle of gold; and he who uses it rightly is more +like a god than a man.' I have no objection to a cup of generous wine, +provided nature requires it--but 'simple diet,' says Pliny, 'is best;' +for many dishes bring many diseases. Do you know John Abernethy, sir? he +is the _manus dei_ of my idolatry. 'What ought I to drink?' inquired a +friend of mine of the surgeon. 'What do you give your horse, sir?' was +the question in reply. 'Water.' 'Then drink water,' said Abernethy. +After this my friend was afraid to put the question of eatables, lest +the doctor should have directed him to live on oats. 'Your modern good +fellows,' continued John, 'are only ambitious of rivalling a brewer's +horse; who after all will carry more liquor than the best of them.' +'What is good to assist a weak digestion?' said another patient. 'Weak +food and warm clothing,' was the reply; 'not, ~105~~however, forgetting +my _blue pill_.' When you have dined well, sleep well: wrap yourself up +in a warm watch-coat, and imitate your dog by basking yourself at full +length before the fire; these are a few of the Abernethy maxims for +dyspeptic patients." I had heard much of this celebrated man, and was +desirous of gleaning some more anecdotes of his peculiarities. With +this view I laid siege to Mr. Galen Cornaro, who appeared to be well +acquainted with the whims of the practitioner. "I remember, sir," said +my informant, "a very good fellow of the name of Elliot, a bass-singer +at the concerts and theatres of the metropolis; a man very much +resembling John Abernethy in person, and still more so in manner; one +who under a rough exterior carried as warm a heart as ever throbbed +within the human bosom. Elliot had fallen ill of the jaundice, and +having imbibed a very strong dislike to the name of doctor, whether +musical or medical, refused the solicitations of his friends to receive +a visit from any one of the faculty; to this eccentricity of feeling he +added a predilection for curing every disease of the body by the use of +simples, decoctions, and fomentations extracted from the musty records +of old Culpepper, the English physician. Pursuing this principle, Elliot +every day appeared to grow worse, and drooped like the yellow leaf of +autumn in its sear; until his friends, alarmed for his safety, sent +to Abernethy, determined to take the patient by surprise. Imagine a +robust-formed man, sinking under disease and _ennui_, seated before the +fire, at his side a table covered with phials and pipkins, and near him +his _vade mecum_, the renowned Culpepper. A knock is heard at the +door. 'Come in!' vociferates the invalid, with stentorian lungs yet +unimpaired; and enter John Abernethy, not a little surprised by +the ungraciousness of his reception. 'Who are you?' said Elliot in +thorough-bass, just inclining his head half round to recognize his +visitor, ~106~~without attempting to rise from his seat: Abernethy +appeared astonished, but advancing towards his patient, replied, 'John +Abernethy.' + +'Elliot. Oh, the doctor! + +'Abernethy. No, not the doctor; but plain John Abernethy, if you please. + +'Elliot. Ay, my stupid landlady sent for you, I suppose. + +'Abernethy. To attend a very stupid patient, it would appear. + +'Elliot. Well, as you are come, I suppose I must give you your fee. +(Placing the gold upon the table.) + +'Abernethy (looking rather cross.) What's the matter with you? + +'Elliot. Can't you see? + +'Abernethy. Oh yes, I see very well; then tasting some of the liquid in +the phials, and observing the source from whence the prescriptions had +been extracted, the surgeon arrived at something that was applicable to +the disease. Who told you to take this? + +'Elliot. Common sense. + +'Abernethy putting his fee in his pocket, and preparing to depart. Good +day. + +'Elliot (reiterating the expression.) Good day! Why, you mean to give me +some advice for my money, don't you? + +'Abernethy, with the door in his hand. Follow common sense, and you'll +do very well.' + +"Thus ended the interview between Abernethy and Elliot. It was the old +tale of the stammerers personified; for the professional and the patient +each conceived the other an imitator. On reaching the ground-floor +the surgeon was, however, relieved from his embarrassment by the +communication of the good woman of the house, who, in her anxiety to +serve Elliot, had produced this extraordinary scene. Abernethy +laughed heartily--assured her that the patient would do well--wrote a +prescription for him--begged ~107~~he might hear how he proceeded--and +learning he was a professional man, requested the lady of the mansion to +return him his fee." + +"Ay," said the alderman, "that was just like John Abernethy. I remember +when he tapped poor Mrs. Marigold for the dropsy, he was not very +tender, to be sure, but he soon put her out of her tortures. And when +on his last visit I offered him a second twenty pound note for a fee, I +thought he would have knocked me down; asked me if I was the fool that +gave him such a sum on a former occasion; threw it back again with +indignation, and said he did not rob people in that manner." No +professional man does more generous actions than John Abernethy; only it +must be after his own fashion. + +"Come, gentlemen, the bottle stands still," said Mr. Pendragon, "while +you are running through the merits of drinking. Does not Rabelais +contend that good wine is the best physic?' because there are more old +tipplers than old physicians.' Custom is every thing; only get well +seasoned at the first start, and all the rest of life is a summer's +scene. Snymdiris the + +Sybarite never once saw the sun rise or set during a course of twenty +years; yet he lived to a good old age, drank like a centaur, and never +went to bed sober." + +And when his glass was out, he fell Like some ripe kernel from its +shell. + +"I was once an anti-gastronomist and a rigid antisaccharinite; sugar and +milk were banished from my breakfast-table, vegetables and puddings +my only diet, until I almost ceased to vegetate, and my cranium was +considered as soft as a custard; and curst hard it was to cast off all +culinary pleasures, sweet reminiscences of my infancy, commencing with +our first spoonful of pap, for all young protestants are papists; to +this day my heart (like Wordsworth's) ~108~~overflows at the sight of +a pap-boat--the boat a child first mans; to speak naughty-cally, as +a nurse would say, how many a row is there in the pap-boat--how many +squalls attend it when first it comes into contact with the skull! But I +am now grown corpulent; in those days I was a lighter-man, and I believe +I should have continued to live (exist) upon herbs and roots; but Dr. +Kitchener rooted up all my prejudices, and overturned the whole system +of my theory by practical illustrations. + + "Thus he that's wealthy, if he's wise, + Commands an earthly paradise; + That happy station nowhere found, + But where the glass goes freely round. + Then give us wine, to drown the cares + Of life in our declining years, + That we may gain, if Heav'n think fitting, + By drinking, what was lost by eating: + For though mankind for that offence + Were doom'd to labour ever since, + Yet Mercy has the grape impower'd + To sweeten what the apple sour'd." + +To this good-humoured sally of Pendragon succeeded a long dissertation +on meats, which it is not _meet_ I should relate, being for the most +part idle conceits of Mr. Galen Cornaro, who carried about him a long +list of those prescribed eatables, which engender bile, breed the +_incubus_, and produce spleen, until, according to his bill of fare, he +had left himself nothing to subsist upon in this land of plenty but a +mutton-chop, or a beef-steak. What pleased me most was, that with every +fresh bottle the two disciples of Pythagoras and Abernethy became still +more vehement in maintaining the necessity for a strict adherence to +the theory of water and vegetable economy; while their zeal had so far +blinded their recollection, that when the ladies returned from their +walk to join us at tea, they were both "_bacchi plenis_," as Colman has +it, something inclining from ~109~~a right line, and approaching in its +motion to serpentine sinuosities. A few more puns from Mr. Pendragon, +and another story from the alderman, about his friend, young Tattersall, +employing Scroggins the bruiser, disguised as a countryman to beat an +impudent Highgate toll-keeper, who had grossly insulted him, finished +the amusements of the day, which Mrs. Marigold and Miss Biddy declared +had been spent most delightfully, so rural and entertaining, and withal +so economical, that the alderman was induced to promise he would not +dine at home again of a Sunday for the rest of the summer. To me, +at least, it afforded the charm of novelty; and if to my readers it +communicates something of character, blended with pleasure in the +perusal, I shall not regret my Sunday trip with the Marigold family and +first visit to the + +GATE HOUSE, HIGHGATE. + +[Illustration: page109] + + + + +THE STOCK EXCHANGE. + +~110~~ + + Have you ever seen Donnybrook fair? + Or in a _caveau_ spent the night? + On Waterloo's plains did you dare + To engage in the terrific fight? + Has your penchant for life ever led + You to visit the Finish or Slums, + At the risk of your pockets and head? + Or in Banco been fixed by the bums? + In a smash at the hells have you been, + When pigeons were pluck'd by the bone? + Or enjoy'd the magnificent scene + When our fourth George ascended his throne? + Have you ever heard Tierney or Canning + A Commons' division address? + Or when to the gallery ganging, + Been floor'd by a rush from the press? + Has your taste for the fine arte impell'd + You to visit a bull-bait or fight? + Or by rattles and charleys propell'd, + In a watch-house been lodged for the night? + In a morning at Bow-street made one + Of a group just to bother sage Birnie? + Stood the racket, got fined, cut and run, + Being fleeced by the watch and attorney? + Or say, have you dined in Guildhall + With the mayor and his corporate souls? + Or been squeezed at a grand civic ball, + With dealers in tallow and coals? + Mere nothings are these, though the range + Through all we have noticed you've been, + When compared to the famed Stock Exchange, + That riotous gambling scene. + +~111~~ + + The unexpected Legacy--Bernard Blackmantle and Bob Transit + visit Capel Court--Characters in the Stocks--Bulls, Bears + and Bawds, Brokers, Jews and Jobbers--A new Acquaintance, + Peter Principal--His Account of the Market--The Royal + Exchange--Tricks upon Travellers--Slating a Stranger--The + Hebrew Star and his Satellites--Dividend Hunters and + Paragraph Writers--The New Bubble Companies--Project + Extraordinary--Prospectus in Rhyme of the Life, Death, + Burial, and Resurrection Company--Lingual Localisms of the + Stock Exchange explained--The Art and Mystery of Jobbing + exposed--Anecdotes of the House and its Members--Flying a + Tile--Billy Wright's Brown Pony--Selling a Twister--A Peep + into Botany Bay--Flats and Flat-catchers--The Rotunda and + the Transfer Men--How to work the Telegraph--Create a Rise-- + Put on the Pot--Bang down the Market--And waddle out a Lame + Duck. + +A bequest of five hundred pounds by codicil from a rich old aunt had +most unexpectedly fallen to my friend Transit, who, quite unprepared for +such an overwhelming increase of good fortune, was pondering on the +best means of applying this sudden acquisition of capital, when I +accidentally paid him a visit in Half-moon Street. "Give me joy, +Bernard," said Bob; "here's a windfall;" thrusting the official notice +into my hand; "five hundred pounds from an old female miser, who during +her lifetime was never known to dispense five farthings for any generous +or charitable purpose; but being about to _slip her wind_ and make a +_wind-up_ of her accounts, was kind enough to remember at parting that +she had a poor relation, an ~112~~artist, to whom such a sum might prove +serviceable, so just hooked me on to the tail end of her testamentary +document and booked me this legacy, before she booked herself inside for +the other world. And now, my dear Bernard," continued Bob, "you are a +man of the world, one who knows + + 'What's what, and that's as high + As metaphysic wit can fly.' + +I am puzzled, actually bewildered what to do with this accumulation of +wealth: only consider an eccentric artist with five hundred pounds +in his pocket; why it must prove his death-warrant, unless immediate +measures are taken to free him from its magical influence. Shall I +embark it in some of the new speculations? the Milk company, or +the Water company, the Flesh, Fish, or Fowl companies, railways or +tunnel-ways, or in short, only put me in the right way, for, at present, +I am mightily abroad in that respect." "Then my advice is, that you keep +your money at home, or in other words, fund it; unless you wish to be +made fun of and laughed at for a milksop, or a bubble merchant, or be +taken for one of the Gudgeon family, or a chicken butcher, a member +of the Poultry company, where fowl dealing is considered all fair; or +become a liveryman of the worshipful company of minors (i.e. miners), +where you may be fleeced a la Hayne, by legs, lawyers, bankers and +brokers, demireps and contractors'; or, perhaps, you ~113~~will +feel disposed to embark in a new company, of which I have just strung +together a prospectus in rhyme: a speculation which has, at least, much +of novelty in this country to recommend it, and equally interests all +orders of society. + + + 1 It is not surprising, we see, that lawyers, bankers, and + brokers are found at the bottom of most of the new schemes. + Their profits are certain, whatever the fate of the Gudgeon + family. The brokers, in particular, have a fine harvest of + it. Their charges being upon the full nominal amount of the + shares sold, they get twice as much by transferring a single + 100L. share in a speculation, although only 1L. may have + been paid on it, as by the purchase or sale of 100L. + consols, of which the price is 94L. Or, to make the matter + plainer to the uninitiated, suppose an individual wishes to + lay out 500L. in the stock-market. If he orders his broker + to purchase into the British funds, the latter will buy him + about 535L. three per cent, consols; and the + brokerage, at one-eighth per cent, will be about 13s. But + if the same person desires to invest the same sum in the + stock of a new Mine or Rail-road company, which is divided + into 100L. shares, on each of which say 1L. is paid, and + there is a premium of 1L. (as is the case at this moment + with a stock we have in our eye) his broker's account will + then stand thus:-- + + Bought 250 shares in the ---- Company. + + First instalment of 1L. paid L250 0 0 + + Premium L. per share 250 0 0 + + 500 0 0 + + Brokerage L per cent, on 25,000L. stock 62 10 0 + + 562 10 0 + + Which will leave Mr. Adventurer to pay 62L. 10s. to his + broker, and to pay 99L. more on each of his 250 shares, when + the------company "call" for it! + + Or, let us reverso the case, and suppose our speculator, + having been an original subscriber for 100 shares in the + ---- company, and having consequently obtained them for + nothing, wishes to sell, finding them at a premium of 6s. + per share, and either fearing they may go lower, or not + being able to pay even the first instalment called for by + the directors. If he is an humble tradesman, he is perhaps + eager to realise a profit obtained without labour, and hugs + him-self at the idea of the hundred crowns and the hundred + shillings he shall put into his pocket by this pleasant + process. Away he posts to Cornhill, searches out a broker, + into whose hands he puts the letter entitling him to the 100 + shares, with directions to sell at the current premium. The + broker takes a turn round 'Change, finds a customer, and the + whole affair is settled in a twinkling, by an entry or two + in the broker's memorandum-book, and the drawing of a couple + of cheques. Our fortunate speculator, who is anxiously + waiting at Batson's the return of his man of business, and + spending perhaps 3s. 6d. in bad negus and tough sandwiches, + on the strength of his good luck, is then presented with a + draft on a banker for 5L. neatly folded up in a small slip + of foolscap, containing the following satisfactory + particulars:-- + + Sold 100 shares in the------company--nothing paid--prem. 6s. L30 + + Brokerage, 1/4 per cent, on 10,000L. stock 25 + + By cheque 5 + + He stares wildly at this document, utterly speechless, for + five minutes, during which the broker, after saying he shall + be happy to "do" for him another time, throws a card on the + table, and exit. The lucky speculator wanders into 'Change + with the account in his hand, and appeals to several Jews to + know whether he has not been cheated: some abuse him for the + insinuation against so "respectable" a man as Mr.----- the + broker; others laugh in his face; and all together hustle + him into the street. He goes home richer by 4L.. 16s. 6d. + than when he went out, and finds that a wealthy customer, + having called three times in his absence to give him a + particular order, had just left the shop in a rage, swearing + he would no longer encourage so inattentive a tradesman.-- + _Examiner_. + + + + +THE LIFE, DEATH, BURIAL, AND RESURRECTION COMPANY. + +CAPITAL.--ONE HUNDRED MILLIONS SHARES.--ONE POUND. + +~115~~ + + In this age of projectors, when bubbles are spread + With illusive attractions to bother each head, + When bulls, bears, jews, and jobbers all quit Capelcourt + To become speculators and join in the sport, + Who can wonder, when interest with intellect clashes, + We should have a new club to dispose of our ashes; + To rob death of its terrors, and make it delightful + To give up your breath, and abolish the frightful + Old custom of lying defunct in your shroud, + Surrounded by relatives sobbing aloud? + We've a scheme that shall mingle the "grave with the gay," + And make it quite pleasant to die, when you may. + First, then, we propose with the graces of art, + Like our Parisian friends, to make ev'ry tomb smart; + And, by changing the feelings of funeral terrors, + Remove what remain'd of old Catholic errors. + Our plan is to blend in the picturesque style + Smirke, Soane, Nash, and Wyatville all in one pile. + So novel, agreeable, and grateful our scheme, + That death will appear like a sweet summer's dream; + And the horrid idea of a gloomy, cold cell, + Will vanish like vapours of mist from a dell. + +~116 + + Thus changed, who'll object a kind friend to inhume, + When his sepulchre's made like a gay drawing-room 1 + A diversified, soothing commixture of trees, + Umbrageous and fann'd by the perfumed breeze; + With alcoves, and bowers, and fish-ponds, and shrubs, + Select, as in life, from intrusion of scrubs; + While o'er your last relics the violet-turf press + Must a flattering promise afford of success. + "Lie light on him, earth," sung a poet of old; + Our earth shall be sifted, and never grow cold; + No rude weight on your chest--how like ye our scheme {1} + Where your grave will be warm'd by a process of steam, + Which will boil all the worms and the grubs in their holes, + And preserve from decay ev'ry part but your souls. + Our cemetery, centred in fancy's domain, + Shall by a state edict eternal remain + To all parties open, the living or dead; + Or christian, or atheist, here rest their head, + In a picturesque garden, and deep shady grove, + Where young love smiles, and fashion delighteth to rove. + To render the visitors' comforts complete, + And afford the grieved mourners a proper retreat, + The directors intend to erect an hotel, + Where a _table d'hote_ will be furnished well; + Not with the "cold meats of a funeral feast," + But a banquet that's worthy a nabob at least; + Of _lachryma christi_, and fine _vin de grave_, + And cordial compounds, a choice you may have. + Twice a week 'tis proposed to illumine the scene, + And to waltz and quadrille on the velvety green; + While Colinet's band and the Opera Corps + Play and dance with a spirit that's quite _con amore_, + A committee of taste will superintend + The designs and inscriptions to each latter end. + +~117~~ + + Take notice, no cross-bones or skulls are allowed, + Or naked young cherubims riding a cloud; + In short, no allusions that savour of death, + Nor aught that reminds of a friend's parting breath. + The inscriptions and epitaphs, elegies too, + Must all be poetical, lively, and new; + Such as never were heard of, or seen heretofore, + To be written by Proctor, Sam. Rogers, or Moore. + In lieu of a sermon, glee-singers attend, + Who will chant, like the cherubims, praise without end. + Three decent old women, to enliven the hours, + Attend with gay garlands and sacred flowers, + The emblems of grief--artificial, 'tis true, + But very like nature in a general view. + Lord Graves will preside, and vice-president Coffin + Will pilot the public into the offing. + The College of Surgeons and Humane Society + Have promised to send a delightful variety. + The Visitors all are physicians of fame; + And success we may, therefore, dead certainty name. + To the delicate nervous, who'd wish a snug spot, + A romantic temple, or moss-cover'd grot, + Let them haste to John Ebers, and look at the plan; + Where the grave-book lies open, its merits to scan. + Gloves, hatbands, and essence of onions for crying, + White 'kerchiefs and snuff, and a cordial worth trying, + The attendants have ready; and more--as time presses, + No objection to bury you in fancy dresses. + Our last proposition may frighten you much; + We propose to reanimate all by a touch, + By magic revive, if a century old, + The bones of a father, a friend, or a scold. + In short, we intend, for all--but a wife, + To bring whom you please in a moment to life; + That is, if the shares in our company rise,-- + If not 'tis a bubble, like others, of lies. + + --Bernard Blackmantle. + +~118~~The recitation of this original _jeu d'esprit_ had, I found, the +salutary effect of clearing my friend Transit's vision in respect to +the _speculation mania_; and being by this time fully accoutred and +furnished with the possibles, we sallied forth to make a purchase in the +public funds. There is something to be gleaned from every event in this +life, particularly by the eccentric who is in search of characteristic +matter. I had recently been introduced to a worthy but singular +personage in the city, Mr. Peter Principal, stock broker, of the firm +of Hazard and Co.--a man whose probity was never yet called in question, +and who, having realized a large property by the most honourable means, +was continually selected as broker, trustee, and executor by all his +acquaintance. To him, therefore, I introduced my friend Bob, who being +instantly relieved from all his weighty troubles, and receiving in +return the bank receipts, we proceeded to explore the regions of Pluto +(i.e. the money market), attended by Peter Principal as our guide and +instructor. On our entrance into Capel Court we were assailed by a +motley group of Jews and Gentiles, inhabitants of Lower Tartary (i.e. +Botany Bay{2}), who, suspecting we came there on business, addressed +us in a jargon that was completely unintelligible either to Transit or +myself. One fellow inquired if I was a bull,{3} and his companion wished +to know if Transit was a bear{4}; another eagerly offered to give us +_five eighths_, or sell us, at the same price, for the account'{5}; +while a fourth thrust his + + 2 A place so named, without the Stock Exchange, where the + lame ducks and fallen angels of Upper Tartary assemble when + expelled the house, to catch a hint how the puff's and bangs + succeed in the private gambling market; when if they can + saddle their neighbour before he is up to the variation, it + is thought good jobbing. + + 3 Persons that purchase with a view for a rise in the + funds. + + 4 One who sells with a view to a fall in the price of stock. + + 5 A certain future day, fixed upon by the Committee of the + Stock Exchange, for the settlement of _time bargains_--they + are usually appointed at an interval of six weeks, and the + price of stocks on this given day determines the + speculator's gain or loss. + +~119~~copper countenance into my face, and offered to do business with +me at a fiddle.{6} "Tush, tush," said Peter Principal to the increasing +multitude which now barred our passage, "we are only come to take a +look, and watch the operation of the market." "_Dividend hunters_{7} +I suppose," said a knowing looking fellow, sarcastically, "ear +wigging{8}--Hey, Mr. Principal, something good for the pull out{9}? +Well, if the gentlemen wish to put on the pot, although it be for a +pony,{10} I'm their man, only a little rasping,{11} you know." To this +eloquent appeal succeeded a similar application from a son of Israel, +who offered to accommodate us in any way we wished, either for the +_call_{l2} or _put_{13}; to which friendly offer little Principal put +his direct negative, and, after innumerable + + 6 When a broker has got money transactions of any conse- + sequence, as there is no risk in these cases, he will fiddle + one finger across the other, signifying by this that the + jobber must give up half the turn of the market price to + him, which he pockets besides his commission. + + 7 Those who suppose by changing stock they get double + interest, by receiving four dividends in one year instead of + two; but in this they are deceived, as the jobber, when he + changes stock, gains the advantage; for instance, if he buys + consols at sixty, when he sells out there will be deducted + one and a half per cent. for the dividend. + + 8 When bargains are done privately by a whisper, to conceal + the party's being a bull. + + 9 Buying or selling for ready money. + + 10 Pony, 25,000L. + + 11 Giving greater turns to the jobbers than those regulated + in the market. + + 12 _Call_. Buying to call more at one-eighth or one-fourth + above the price on a certain day, if the buyer chooses, and + the price is in his favour. + + 13 _Put_. Selling to put more to it on a certain day, at + one-eighth or one-fourth under the market price. + +~120~~attacks of this sort, we reached the upper end of the court, +and found ourselves upon the steps which lead to the regions of Upper +Tartary, (i.e.) the Stock Exchange. At this moment our friend Principal +was summoned by his clerk to attend some antique spinster, who, having +scraped together another hundred, had hobbled down to annex it to her +previous amount of consols. "You must not attempt to enter the room +by yourselves," said Principal; "but accompany me back to the Royal +Exchange, where you can walk and wait until I have completed the old +lady's _job_." While Principal was gone to invest his customer's stock, +we amused ourselves with observing the strange variety of character +which every where presents itself among the groups of all nations who +congregate together in this arena of commerce. Perhaps a more fortunate +moment for such a purpose could not have occurred: the speculative +transactions of the times had drawn forth a certain portion of the +Stock Exchange, gamblers, or inhabitants of Upper Tartary, who, like +experienced sharpers of another description, never suffer a good +thing to escape them. Capel Court was partially abandoned for exchange +bubbles,{14} and new companies opened a new system of fraudulent +enrichment for these sharks of the money market. + + 14 The speculative mania, which at this time raged with un- + precedented violence among a large portion of his Majesty's + liege subjects, gave the "John Bull" a glorious opportunity + for one of their witty satires, in which the poet has very + humorously described the + + BUBBLES OF 1825. + + Tune--"Run, neighbours, run." + + Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share + In all the famous projects that amuse John Bull; + Run, take a peep on 'Change, for anxious crowds beset us there, + Each trying which can make himself the greatest gull. + No sooner are they puff'd, than a universal wish there is + For shares in mines, insurances in foreign loans and fisheries. + +~121~~ + + No matter where the project lies, so violent the mania, + In Africa, New Providence, Peru, or Pennsylvania! + Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share + In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. + Few folks for news very anxious at this crisis are, + For marriages, and deaths, and births, no thirst exists; + All take the papers in, to find out what the prices are + Of shares in this or that, upon the broker's lists. + The doctor leaves his patient--the pedagogue his Lexicon, + For mines of Real Monte, or for those of Anglo-Mexican: + E'en Chili bonds don't cool the rage, nor those still more romantic, sir, + For new canals to join the seas, Pacific and Atlantic, sir. + Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share + In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. + At home we have projects too for draining surplus capital, + And honest Master Johnny of his cash to chouse; + Though t'other day, Judge Abbott gave a rather sharpish slap at all. + And Eldon launched his thunder from the upper House. + Investment banks to lend a lift to people who are undone-- + Proposals for Assurance--there's no end of that, in London; + And one amongst the number, who in Parliament now press their Bills, + For lending cash at eight per cent, on coats and inexpressibles. + Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share + In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. + No more with her bright pails the milkman's rosy daughter works, + A company must serve you now with milk and cream; + Perhaps they've some connexion with the advertising water-works, + That promise to supply you from the limpid stream. + Another body corporate would fain some pence and shillings get, + By selling fish at Hungerford, and knocking up old Billingsgate: + Another takes your linen, when it's dirty, to the suds, sir, + And brings it home in carriages with four nice bits of blood, sir. + Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share + In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. + +~122 + + When Greenwich coaches go by steam on roads of iron railing, sir, + How pleasant it will be to see a dozen in a line; + And ships of heavy burden over hills and valleys sailing, sir, + Shall cross from Bristol's Channel to the Tweed or Tyne. + And Dame Speculation, if she ever fully hath her ends, + Will give us docks at Bermondsey, St. Saviour's, and St. Catherine's; + While side long bridges over mud shall fill the folks with wonder, sir, + And lamp-light tunnels all day long convey the Cocknies under, sir. + Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share + In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. + A tunnel underneath the sea, from Calais straight to Dover, sir, + That qualmish folks may cross by land from shore to shore, + With sluices made to drown the French, if e'er they would come over, sir, + Has long been talk'd of, till at length 'tis thought a monstrous bore. + Amongst the many scheming folks, I take it he's no ninny, sir, + Who bargains with the Ashantees to fish the coast of Guinea, sir; + For, secretly, 'tis known, that another brilliant view he has, + Of lighting up the famous town of Timbuctoo with oil gas. + Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share + In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. + Then a company is form'd, though not yet advertising, + To build, upon a splendid scale, a large balloon, + And send up tools and broken stones for fresh Mac-Adamizing + The new discover'd turnpike roads which cross the moon. + But the most inviting scheme of all is one proposed for carrying + Large furnaces to melt the ice which hems poor Captain Parry in; + They'll then have steam boats twice a week to all the newly-seen land, + And call for goods and passengers at Labrador and Greenland! + Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share + In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull, + +~123~~High 'Change was a subject full of the richest materials for +my friend Bob, who, without knowing more of the characters than their +exterior appearances of eccentricity and costume exhibited, proceeded to +_book_, as he termed it, the leading features. Every now and then there +was a rush to different parts of the arena, and an appearance of +great anxiety among the crowd to catch the attention of a person who +flourished a large parchment above their heads with all the pride and +importance of a field marshal's baton. This was, I found, no other than +the leading agent of some newly projected company, who took this method +of _indulging_ the subscribers with shares, or letting the fortunate +applicants know how many of these speculative chances the committee had +allowed them to possess. The return of little Principal afforded me a +key to the surrounding group, without which their peculiar merits would +have been lost to the world, or have remained individually unknown, like +the profit of many of the modern speculations. "You must not suppose," +said Principal, "that great talents make great wealth here, or that +honourable conduct and generous feelings command respect--no such thing; +men are estimated upon 'Change in proportion to the supposed amount +of their property, and rise or fall in the worldly opinion of their +associates as prosperity or adversity operates upon the barometer +of their fortunate speculations; a lucky hit will cause a dolt to +be pointed out as a clever fellow, when, the next turn of the market +proving unsuccessful, he is despised and insulted: so much are the +frequenters of 'Change influenced by the most sordid and mercenary +feelings, that almost all of them are the willing dupes of riches and +good fortune. However, as you are strangers here, gentlemen, I will +introduce you, _entre nous_, to a few of the characters who thrive by +the destruction of thousands of their fellow-creatures. The bashaw in +black yonder, who rests his elephantic trunk against a pillar of the +Exchange, with his hands thrust into his breeches pockets, is the Hebrew +star--the Jewish luminary, a very Shiloh among the peoples of his own +persuasion, and, I am sorry to say, much too potent ~124~~with the +orthodox ministers of George the Fourth. The fellow's insolence is +intolerable, and his vulgarity and ignorance quite unbearable. +He commenced his career in Manchester by vending trinkets and +spectacle-cases in the streets of that town, from which station he +gradually rose to the important occupation of a dealer in _fag ends_, +from which he ascended to the dignity of a bill-broker, when, having +the command of money, and some wealthy Hebrew relatives conveniently +distributed over the Continent for the transaction of business, he took +up his abode in London, and towards the termination of the late war, +when a terrible smash took place among some of his tribe, he found means +to obtain their confidence, and having secured, by the aid of spies, the +earliest foreign intelligence, he rapidly made a colossal fortune in the +British funds, without much risk to himself. It is said he can scarcely +write his own name, and it only requires a minute's conversation to +inform you of the general ignorance of his mind; in short, he is one of +Hazlitt's men, with only one idea, but that one entirely directed to +the accumulation of gold. A few years since some of the more respectable +members of the Stock Exchange, perceiving the thraldom in which the +public funds of the country were held by the tricks and manouvres of the +Jew party, determined to make a stand against them: among these was a +highly respected member of parliament, a great sporting character, and +a very worthy man. His losses proved excessive, but they were promptly +paid. In order to weaken his credit, and, if possible, shake his +confidence and insult his feelings, the Jew took an opportunity, during +High 'Change, of telling him, 'Dat he had got his cote and vaistcote, +and he should very soon have his shirt into de bargain:' in this +prophecy, however, Mr. Mordecai was mistaken; for the market took a +sudden turn, and the gentleman alluded to recovered all his losses in a +short time, to the great discomfiture ~125~~of the high priest and the +Jews. In private life he is equally abrupt and vulgar, as the following +anecdote will prove, at his own table: A christian broker solicited some +trifling favour, observing, he had granted what he then requested to +another member of the house, who was his brother-in-law. 'Vary true, +vary true,' said Solomon Gruff, as he is sometimes called, 'but then you +do not shleep vid my shister, my boy; dat makes all de differance.' At +present this fellow's influence is paramount at most of the courts +of Europe, at some of which his family enjoy considerable honours; in +short, he is the head of the locust tribe, and the leader of that class +of speculators whom a witty writer has well described in the following +lines, addressed to the landholders: + + 'The National Debt may be esteemed a mass + Of filth which grows corrupter every day; + And in this heap, as always comes to pass, + Reptiles and vermin breed, exist, decay. + 'Tis now so huge, that he must be an ass + Who thinks it ever can be clear'd away: + And the time's quickly coming, to be candid, + When funded men will swallow up the landed. + 'Then will these debt-bred reptiles, hungry vermin, + Fed from the mass corrupt of which I spoke, + Usurp your place. A Jew, a dirty German, + Who has grown rich by many a lucky stroke, + Shall rule the Minister, and all determined + To treat your bitter sufferings as a joke. + Said I, he shall! It will be nothing new; + The Treasury now is govern'd by a Jew.' + +[Illustration: page125] + +The tall dandy-looking youth standing near the great man is a scion of +the former head of the Hebrew family: his father possessed very superior +talents, but was too much attached to splendid society to die rich; his +banquets were often graced by royalty, and his liberality and honourable +conduct proverbial, until misfortune produced a catastrophe that will +not bear ~126~~repeating. The very name of the sire causes a feeling of +dislike in the breast of the Colossus, and consequently the son is no +partaker in the good things which the great man has to dispose of. The +three tall Jews standing together are brothers, and all members of the +Stock Exchange; their affinity to the high priest, more than their +own talents, renders their fortunes promising. Observe the pale-faced +genteel-looking man.on the right hand side of the arena--that is Major +G--s, an unsuccessful speculator in the funds, but a highly honourable +officer, who threw away the proceeds of his campaigns in the Peninsula +among the sharks of the Stock Exchange and the lesser gamblers of St. +James's: he has lately given to the world a sketch of his own life, +under the assumed name of 'Ned Clinton, or the Commissary,' in which +he has faithfully narrated scenes and characters. The little, jolly, +fresh-coloured gentleman near him is Tommy B--h, a great speculator in +the funds, a lottery contractor, and wine merchant, and quite at home in +the tea trade. The immense fat gent behind him is called the dinner +man and M. C. of Vaux hall, of which place Tommy B--h holds a principal +share; his office is to write lyrics for the lottery, and gunpowder +puffs for the Genuine Tea Company, paragraphs for Vauxhall, and spirited +compositions in praise of spiritless wines: amid all these occupations +it is no wonder, considering his bulk, that he invariably falls asleep +before the dinner cloth is removed, and snores most mellifluously +between each round of the bottle. The sharp-visaged personage to the +left of him is the well known Count Bounce---------"--"Excuse me, Mr. +Principal," said I, "but I happen to know that worthy well myself; +that is, I believe, Sam Dixon, the _coper_ of Barbican, a jobber in the +funds, it would appear, as well as in horses, coaches, and chaises: +of the last named article I have had a pretty good specimen from his +emporium myself, ~127~~which, I must ever remember, was at the risk of +my life.--"Do you observe that stout-looking gentleman yonder with large +red whiskers, in a drab surtout, like a stage coachman? that is the +Marquis of H-----------, one of the most fortunate gamblers (i.e. +speculators) of the present day: during the war his lordship acquired +considerable sums of money by acting on his priority of political +information, his policy being to make one of the party in power, without +holding office, and by this means be at liberty to act in the money +market as circumstances required: among the _roues_ of the west he +has not been less successful in games of chance, until his coffers +are crammed with riches; but it must be admitted he is liberal in +his expenditure, and often-times generous to applicants, particularly +sporting men, who seek his favours and assistance. The little club of +sage personages who are mustered together comparing notes, in the corner +of the Dutch Walk, are the paragraph-writers for the morning and evening +press; very potent personages here, I assure you, for without their kind +operation the public could never be gulled to any great extent. The +most efficient of the group is the elegant-looking tall man who has +just moved off to consult his patron, the Hebrew star, who gives all his +foreign information exclusively to the Leviathan of the press, of +which paper Mr. A-----------r is the representative. Next to him in +importance, information, and talent, is the reporter for the Globe +and Traveller, G--------s M--------e, a shrewd clever fellow, with +considerable tact for business. Mr. F--------y, of the Courier, stands +near him on his left; and if he does but little with the stocks, he does +that little well. The sandy-haired laddie with the high cheek bones and +hawk-like countenance is M'C-----------h, of the Chronicle, but a wee +bit of a _wastrell_ in Stock Exchange affairs; and the mild-looking +young gentleman who is in ~128~~conversation with him represents the +mighty little man of the Morning Herald. The rest of the public prints +are mostly supplied with Stock Exchange information by a bandy-legged +Jew, a very Solomon in funded wisdom, who pens paragraphs at a penny a +line for the papers, and puts into them whatever the projectors dictate, +in the shape of a puff, at per agreement. The knot of swarthy-looking +athletic fellows, many of whom are finger-linked together, and wear +rings in their ears, are American captains, and traders from the shores +of the Atlantic. That jolly-looking ruby-faced old gentleman in black, +who is laughing at the puritanical tale of his lank brother, Alderman +Shaw, is the celebrated grand city admiral, Sir W. Curtis, a genuine +John Bull, considered worth a _plum_ at least, and the author of a +million of good jokes. Observe that quiet-looking pale-faced gentleman +now crossing the arena: from the smartness of his figure and the agility +with which he bustles among the crowd, you would suppose him an active +young man of about five-and-twenty, while, in fact, about sixty summers +have rolled over his head; such are the good effects of temperance, +system, and attention to diet. Here he is known by the designation of +Mr. Evergreen; a name, perhaps, affixed to him with a double meaning, +combining in view the freshness of his age and his known attachment to +theatricals, of which pursuits, as a recreation, he is devotedly fond. +As a broker, lottery contractor, and a man of business, Mr. D-----1 +stands No. One for promptitude, probity, and the strictest sense of +honour; wealthy without pride, and learned without affectation, his +company is eagerly sought for by a large circle of the literati of the +day, with whom, from his anecdotal powers, he is in high repute: +on stage affairs he is a living 'Biographia Dramatica,' and Charles +Mathews, it is said, owes much of his present celebrity to the early +advice and persevering friendship of this worthy man. The pair ~120~~of +tall good-looking gentlemen on the French Walk are Messrs. J. and +H------S***h, merchants in the city, and authors at the west end of the +town: here they have recently been designated by the title of their +last whimsical production, and now figure as Messrs. Gaiety and Gravity, +cognomens by no means inapplicable to the temper, feeling, and talent +of the witty brothers. But come," said Principal, "the 'Change is now +becoming too full to particularize, and as this is _settling_ day at the +Stock Exchange, suppose we just walk across to the Alley, take a look +at the market, and see how the _account_ stands."--In passing down +Saint Bartholomew Lane, accident threw in our way the respected +chief magistrate of the city, John Garrett, Esq. of whose sire little +Principal favoured us with some entertaining anecdotes.--"Old Francis +Garrett, who began business in the tea trade without cash, but with +great perseverance and good credit, _cut up_ at his death for near four +hundred thousand pounds, and left his name in the firm to be retained +for seven years after his decease, when his posthumous share of the +profits was to be divided among his grand-children. As he generally +travelled for orders himself, he was proverbial for despatch; and has +been known to call a customer up in the morning at four o'clock to +settle his account, or disturb his repose in the night, if old Francis +was determined to make a lamp of the moon, and pursue his route. A very +humorous story is related of him. Arriving at Benson, near Henley, on a +Sunday morning, just as his customer, a Mr. Newberry, had proceeded +to Church, old Francis was very importunate to prevail upon the +servant-maid to call him out, in order that he might proceed to Oxford +that night: after much persuasion she was induced to accompany him to +the church, to point out the pew where her master sat. At their entrance +the eccentric figure of the tea-broker caused a general movement of +recognition among the congregation; but Francis, ~130~~nothing abashed, +was proceeding up the aisle with his cash instead of prayer-book in his +hand, when his attention was arrested by the clergyman's text, 'Paul we +know, and Silas we know, but who art thou?' The singular coincidence +of the words, added to the authoritative style of the pastor, quite +staggered Francis Garrett, who, however, quickly recovering, made a low +bow, and then, in a true business-like style, proceeded to, apologize to +the reverend and congregation for this seeming want of respect, adding +he was only old Francis Garrett, of Thames-street, the tea broker, whom +every body knew, come to settle a small account with his friend Mr. +Newberry. The eccentricity of the man was notorious, and this, perhaps, +better than the apology, induced the clergyman to overlook the offence; +but the story will long be remembered by the good people of Benson, +and never fail to create a laugh in the commercial room among the merry +society of gentlemen travellers. The son, who has deservedly risen to +the highest civic honours, is a worthy and highly honourable man, whose +conduct since he has been elected lord mayor reflects great credit upon +his fellow citizens' choice."--We had now mounted the steps which lead +to the Stock Exchange, or, as Principal, who, though one among them, may +be said not to be one of them, observed, we had arrived at the _wolves' +den_, "the secret arcana of which place, with its curious intricacies +and perplexing paradoxical systems and principles, I shall now," +continued our friend, "endeavour to explain; from which exposition the +public will be able to see the monster that is feeding on the vitals +of the country, while smiling in its face and tearing at its heart, +yet cherished by it, as the Lacedemonian boy cherished the wolf that +devoured him. I am an enemy to all monopolies," said Principal, "and +this is one of the worst the country is infested with. "A private or +exclusive market, that is, a market ~131~~into which the public have +not the liberty or privilege of either going to make, or to see made, +bargains in their own persons, is one where the most sinister arts +are likely to prevail. The Stock Exchange is of this description, and +accordingly is one where the public are continually gulled out of their +money by a system of the most artful and complicated traffic--a traffic +calculated to raise the hopes of novices, to puzzle the wits of out-door +speculators, and sure to have the effect of diminishing the property of +those who are not members of the fraternity.{15} + +"One of the principles of the Stock Exchange is, that the public assist +against themselves, which is not the less true than paradoxical. It is +contrary to the generally-received opinion that stocks should either +be greatly elevated or depressed, without some apparent cause: it is +contrary to natural inference that they should rise,--not from the +public sending in to purchase, or to buy or sell, which however +frequently happens. It follows, therefore, that the former is occasioned +by the arts of the interested stock-jobbers, and the latter by out-door +speculators, who have the market price _banged down_ upon them by those +whose business and interest it is to fleece them all they can. In the +language of the Stock Exchange, you must be either a _bull or a bear,_ +a _buyer or a seller_: now as it is not necessary you should have one +shilling of property in the funds to embark in this speculation, but +may just as well sell a hundred thousand pounds of stock as one pound, +according to the practice of time bargains, which is wagering contrary +to law--so neither party can be compelled to complete their agreement, +or to pay whatever the difference of the amount may be upon the stock +when the account closes: all transactions + + 15 The mode of exchanging stock in France is in public. A + broker stands in the situation of an auctioneer, and offers + it to the best bidder. + +~132~~are, therefore, upon honour; and whoever declines to pay his loss +is posted upon a black board, declared a defaulter, shut out of the +association, and called by the community a _lame duck_. + +"It is not a little extraordinary, while the legislature and the judges +are straining every nerve to suppress low gambling and punish its +professors, they are the passive observers of a system pregnant with +ten times more mischief in its consequences upon society, and infinitely +more vicious, fraudulent, and base than any game practised in the hells +westward of Temple Bar; but we are too much in the practice of gaping at +a gnat and swallowing a camel, or the great subscription-houses, such +as White's, Brooke's, and Boodle's, would not have so long remained +uninterrupted in this particular, while the small fry that surround +them, and which are, by comparison, harmless, are persecuted with the +greatest severity. As there is a natural disposition in the human +mind for gambling, and as it is visible to all the world that many men +(cobblers, carpenters, and other labourers), by becoming stock-jobbers, +are suddenly raised from fortunes of a few pounds to hundreds of +thousands, therefore every falling shop-keeper or merchant flies to this +disinterested seminary with the same hope: but the jobbers, perceiving +their transactions interrupted by these persons intruding, in order to +keep them at a distance, formed themselves into a body, and established +a market composed of themselves, excluding every person not regularly +known to the craft.{16} As the brokers found difficulty always to meet +with people that would accommodate them either to buy or sell without +waiting in the regular + + 16 An article in their by-laws expresses, that no new member + shall be admitted who follows any other trade or business, + or in any wise is subject to the bankrupt laws: at the same + time it is curious to observe, that most of them are either + _soi-disant_ merchants or shopkeepers. + +~133~~market in the Bank, to save themselves time they got accommodated +among these gamblers in buying or selling as they wished; at the same +time they gave the jobber one-eighth per cent, for such accommodation. +As the loss was nothing to the broker, of course this imposition was +looked over, because it saved his own time, and did not diminish his +own commission.{17} It is clear, therefore, that the Stock Exchange is +a self-constituted body, without any charter, but merely established at +the will of the members, to the support of which a subscription is +paid by each individual. They are ruled by by-laws, and judged by a +committee, chosen from among themselves. This committee, as well as +the members, are regularly re-balloted once in every year; of course no +person is admitted within the walls of this house who does not regularly +pay his subscription. + +"In this way has the Stock Market been established and forced from its +original situation by a set of jobbers and brokers, who are all, it will +be seen, interested in keeping their transactions from the eye of the +public. These men being always ready either to buy or sell, renders it +easy for the brokers to get their business done, having no trouble but +merely stepping into the Stock Exchange. If a broker wants to buy 5000L. +stock, or any other sum, for a principal, the jobber will readily sell +it, although perhaps possessing no part of it himself at the time, but +will take his chance of other brokers coming to put him in possession +of it, and may have to purchase the amount in two or three different +transactions,{18} but in doing that he will take care to call the price +lower than he sold at.{19} + + 17 If the system of the private market had tended to lessen + the broker's commission, he would have gone or stood any + where else to transact business for his principals. + + 18 This at present only applies to young beginners, but old + jobbers, who have enjoyed the system long enough, have been + put in pos-session of large fortunes, and are now enabled to + buy into or sell out of their own names to the amount of + hundreds of thousands. + + 19 Should other brokers not come into the market to sell to + him, he is then obliged, at a certain hour of the day, to go + among his brethren to get it at the most suitable price + possible. This is sometimes the cause of a momentary rise, + and what is known by the jobbers turning out bears for the + day. A depression some-times takes place on the same + principle when they are bulls for a future day, and cannot + take stock. + +~134~~After the stock is transferred from the seller to the buyer, +instead of the money, he will write you a draft on his banker, although +he has no effects to discharge the same till such time as he is put in +possession of it also by the broker whom he sold it to; and it sometimes +occurs, such drafts having to pass through the clearing-house,{20} +the principal is not certain whether his money, is safe till the day +following. In this way does the floating stock pass and repass through +the Stock Exchange to and from the public, each jobber seizing and +laying his hand on as much as he can, besides the eighth per cent. +certain, which the established rule gives in their favour: the price +frequently gives way, or rises much more to his advantage, which +advantage is lost to the principals, and thrown into the pockets of +middle men by the carelessness and indolence of the broker, who will not +trouble himself in looking out for such persons as he might do business +with in a more direct way.{21} When the Stock Market was more public, +that is, when they admitted the public by paying sixpence a day, +competitors for government loans were to be seen in numbers, which +enabled ministers to make good bargains for the country{22}; + + 20 A room situated in Lombard-street, where the banking + clerks meet for the mutual exchange of drafts. The principal + business commences at three o'clock in the afternoon, and + the balances are paid and received at five o'clock. + + 21 Query,--When a broker has to buy and sell for two + different principals, may he not act as a jobber also, and + put the turns into his own pocket? In such cases the jobbers + are convenient cloaks to disguise the transaction. + + 22 The loans taken by Boyd and Co., Goldsmidt, and others, + were generally contracted for upon much better terms for the + country than those taken by the Stock Exchange; but as they + were contending against what is known by the interests of + the house, they all were ruined in their turns, as the + jobbers could always depreciate the value of stocks by + making sales for time of that they did not possess. + +~135~~but, since the establishment of the present private market, the +stock-jobbers have been found to have so much power over the price +of stocks, after loans had been contracted for, that real monied men, +merchants, and bankers, have been obliged to creep in under the wings of +this body of gamblers, and be satisfied with what portion of each loan +this junto pleases to deal out to them."--In this way little Principal +opened the secret volume of the Stock Exchange frauds, and exposed to +our view the vile traffic carried on there by the _flat-catchers of the +money market_. In ordinary cases it would be a task of extreme peril for +a stranger to intrude into this _sanctum sanctorum_; but as our friend, +the broker, was highly respected, we were allowed to pass through +unmolested--a favour that will operate in suppressing our notice of +certain characters whom we recognized within. It will, however, hardly +be credited that in this place, where every man is by profession a +gambler, and sharping is the great qualification, so much of their time +is devoted to tricks and fancies that would disgrace a school-boy. +Among these the most prominent is hustling a stranger; an ungenerous and +unmanly practice, that is too often played off upon the unsuspecting, +who have been, perhaps, purposely invited into the den for the amusement +of the wolves. Another point of amusement is _flying a tile, or slating_ +a man, as the phrases of the Stock Exchange describe it. An anecdote is +told of one of their own members which will best convey an idea of this +trick. One who was ever foremost in _slating_ his brothers, or kicking +about a new castor, had himself just sported a new hat, but, with +prudence which is proverbial among the craft, he would leave his new +_tile_ at the counting-house, ~136~~and proceed to the Stock Exchange +in an old one kept for the purpose: this becoming known to some of the +wags, members of the house, they despatched a note and obtained the new +hat, which no sooner made its appearance in the house than it was thrown +up for general sport; a joke in which none participated more freely than +the unsuspecting owner, whose chagrin may be very well conceived, when, +on his return to his counting-house from Capel-court, he discovered that +he had been assisting in kicking his own property to pieces. Another +trick of these wags is the screwing up a number of pieces of paper +longitudinally with a portion of black ink inside them, and lying on the +table before some person, whom they will endeavour to engage in serious +conversation upon the state of the market, when it is ten to one if he +does not roll some of these _twisters_ between his fingers, and from +agitation or deep thought on his approaching losses, or the risk of his +speculations, blacken his fingers and his face, to the horse-laughical +amusement of the by-standers. One of the best among the recent jokes +my friend Bob has depicted to the life. (See Plate.) The fame of Mr. +Wright's brown pony had often reached the ears of his brother brokers, +but hitherto the animal himself was personally unknown: to obviate this +difficulty, some sportive wight ascertained the stable where the old +gentleman usually left his nag during the time he was attending the +market, and by a well-executed forgery succeeded in bringing the pony to +Capel-court, when, without further ceremony, he was introduced into the +house during the high bustle of the market, to the no small amusement of +the house and the utter astonishment of his owner. + +There is a new Stock Exchange established in Capel-court, where a number +of Jews, shopkeepers, and tradesmen assemble, and jobbers who have +emigrated from their friends in the upper house, some ~137~~of whom +have either been _ducks_, or have retired out of it on some honourable +occasion; but as all is conducted upon honour in this traffic of +gambling, these men also set up the principle of honour, on which they +risk what has been honourably brought away from their honourable fellow +labourers in the principal vineyard: these men stand generally in +the Alley, and, hearing what is going on in the other market (as they +speculate also upon the price established there), they will give advice +to strangers who may be on the out-look to make, as they expect, a +speedy fortune by dabbling in the stocks. If they find a person to be +respectable, they will offer to do business with him on the principle +of their brethren, and also exact the one-eighth per cent, as they do, +trusting to his honour, that (although they do not know where he lives) +he will appear on or before the settling day to balance the account, and +pay or receive the difference.{23} + +These jobbers speculate a great deal upon puts and calls, and will give +a chance sometimes for a mere trifle. They have not, like the private +market, the public generally to work upon, the by-laws in the Stock +Exchange prohibiting any broker or jobber, being a regular member, from +dealing with them, on pain of forfeiting his right to re-enter; but, +notwithstanding, some of the brokers, and even the jobbers inside, will +run all risks when there appears a good chance of getting a turn on the +price in their favour: from this cause, however, the Alley, or New Stock +Exchange jobbers, are obliged to gamble more directly with each other; +consequently many get thrown to the leeward, and those who stand +longest are generally such as have other resources from the trade or + + 23 There have many lately entered into gambling transactions + with these gentlemen, and have taken the profit so long as + they were right in their speculations; but as soon as a loss + came upon them, knowing they have no black board, they walk + themselves coolly away with what they get. + +~138~~occupation they carry on elsewhere. From this place, called by +the members of the _house Lower Tartary, or Hell_, the next step of +degradation, when obliged to waddle out of the court, is the _Rotunda +of New Botany Bay_. Here may be seen the private market in miniature; a +crowd of persons calling themselves jobbers and brokers, and, of course, +a market to serve any person who will deal with them; the same system +of _ear-wigging_, nods, and winks, is apparent, and the same _fiddling, +rasping_, and attempts at overreaching each other, as in Upper Tartary, +or the Den; and of course, while they rasp and fiddle, their principals +have to pay for the music: but as no great bargains are contracted +here (these good things being reserved for a select few in the private +market), the jobbers, who are chiefly of little note, are glad if they +can pick up a few shillings for a day's job, by cutting out money stock +for servants' and other people's small earnings. Here may be seen my +lord's footman from the west end of the town, who is a great politician, +and knows for a certainty that the stocks will be down; therefore he +wants to sell out his 50L. savings, to get in at less: here also may be +some other lord's footman, who has taken a different view of things, +and wants to buy; and, although their respective brokers might meet +each other, and transact business in a direct way, at a given price, +notwithstanding they either do, or they pretend to have given the +jobbers the turn,{24} that is, the one sold at one-eighth, and the other +bought at one-fourth.--This market, as in the Alley, is ruled by the +prices established in the private gambling market, which being the case, +some will have messengers running to and from this market to see how the +puffs and bangs proceed; and if they can saddle their neighbour before +he knows the price is changed, it is thought good jobbing. From the +Stock + + 24 Some act both as jobbers and brokers, and will charge a + com-mission for selling their own stock. + +~139~~Exchange to the Rotunda, every where, it will be perceived, a +system of gambling and deception is practised upon the public, and the +country demoralized and injured by a set of men who have no principle +but interest, and acknowledge no laws but those of gain. + +[Illustration: page139] + +As this was settling-day, we had the gratification to observe one +unfortunate howled out of the craft for having speculated excessively; +and not being able or willing to pay his differences, he was +compelled to waddle{25}; which he did, with a slow step and melancholy +countenance, accompanied by the hootings and railings of his unfeeling +tribe, as he passed down the narrow avenue from Upper Tartary, +proclaimed to the lower regions and the world + +A LAME DUCK + + 25 Those who become ducks are not what are termed true + jobbers; they are those who either job or speculate, or are + half brokers and half jobbers, and are left to pay out-door + speculators' accounts; or if a jobber lend himself to get + off large amounts of stock, in cases where the broker does + not wish the house to know he is operating, he generally + gives him an immediate advantage in the price in a private + bargain; this is termed being such-a-one's bawd. + + + + +THE ISLE OF WIGHT. + +~140~~ + + Garden of England! spangle of the wave! + Loveliest spot that Albion's waters lave! + Hail, beauteous isle! thou gem of perfumed green, + Fancy's gay region, and enchantment's scone. + Here where luxuriant Nature pours, + In frolic mood, her choicest stores, + Bedecking with umbrageous green + And richest flowers the velvet scene, + Begirt by circling ocean's swell, + Enrich'd by mountain, moor, and dell; + Here bright Hygeia, queen of Health, + Bestows a gift which bankrupts wealth. + + The Oxford Student--Reflections on the Close of a Term--The + Invitation--Arrival at Southampton--Remarks--The Steam Boat-- + Advantages of Steam--Voyage to the Isle of Wight-- + Southampton Water--The Solent Sea and surrounding Scenery-- + Marine Villas, Castles, and Residences--West Cowes--Its + Harbour and Attractions--The Invalid or the Convalescent-- + The Royal Yacht Club--Circular in Rhyme--Aquatic Sports + considered in a National Point of Vieio--A Night on board + the Rover Yacht--The Progress of Navigation--The + Embarkation--The Soldier's Wife--Sketches of Scenery + and Characters--Evening Promenaders--Excursions in the + Island, to Ryde, Newport, Shanklin Chine, Bonchurch, the + Needle Rocks--Descriptive Poetry--Morning, Noon, and Night-- + The Regatta--The Pilot's Review--The Race Ball--Adieu to + Vectis. + +The Oxford commemoration was just over, and the Newdigate laurels graced +the brow of the victor; the ~l4l~~last concert which brings together +the scattered forces of _alma mater_, on the eve of a long vacation, had +passed off like the note of the cygnet; the rural shades of Christchurch +Meadows were abandoned by the classic gownsmen, and the aquatic sons +of Brazen-nose and Jesus had been compelled to yield the palm of marine +superiority to their more powerful opponents, the athletic men of +Exeter. The flowery banks of Isis no longer presented the attractive +evening scene, when all that is beautiful and enchanting among the +female graces of Oxford sport like the houris upon its velvet shores, to +watch the prowess of the college youth: The regatta had terminated with +the term; even the High Street, the usually well-frequented resort of +prosing dons, and dignitaries, and gossiping masters of arts, bore a +desolate appearance. Now and then, indeed, the figure of a solitary +gownsman glanced upon the eye, but it was at such long and fearful +intervals, and then, vision-like, of such short duration, that, with the +closed oaks of the tradesmen, and the woe-begone faces of the starving +_scouts and bed-makers_, a stranger might have imagined some ruthless +plague had swept away, "at one fell swoop," two-thirds of the population +of Rhedycina. It was at this dull period of time, that a poor student, +having passed successfully the Scylla and Charybdis of an Oxonian's +fears, the great go and little go, and exhausted by long and persevering +efforts to obtain his degree, had just succeeded in adding the important +academical letters to his name, when he received a kind invitation from +an old brother Etonian to spend a few weeks with him in the Isle of +Wight, "the flowery seat of the Muses," said Horace Eglantine, (the +inviter), "and the grove of Hygeia; the delightful spot, above all +others, best calculated to rub off the rust of college melancholy, +engendered by hard reading, invigorate the studious mind, and divest +the hypochrondriac of _la maladie ~142~~imaginaire!_'" "And where," said +Bernard Blackmantle, reasoning within himself, "is the student who could +withstand such an attractive summons? Friendship, health, sports, and +pleasures, all combined in the prospective; a view of almost all the +blessings that render life desirable; the charm that binds man to +society, the medicine that cures a wounded spirit, and the cordial which +reanimates and brightens the intellectual faculties of the philosopher +and the poet; in short, the health-inspiring draught, without which the +o'ercharged spirit would sink into earth, a prey to black despondency, +or linger out a wearisome existence only to become a gloomy misanthrope, +a being hateful to himself and obnoxious to all the world." With nearly +as much alacrity as the lover displays when, on the wings of anticipated +delight, he hastes to seek the beloved of his soul, did I, Bernard +Blackmantle, pack up my portmanteau, and make the best of my way to +Southampton, from which place the steam boat conveys passengers, morning +and evening, to and from the island. Southampton has in itself very +little worthy the notice of the lover of the characteristic and the +humorous, at least that I discovered in a few hours' ramble. It is +a clean well-built town, of considerable extent and antiquity, +particularly its entrance gate, enlivened by numerous elegant shops, +whose blandishments are equally attractive with the more fashionable +_magazines de modes_ of the British metropolis. The accommodations for +visitors inclined to bathe or walk have been much neglected, and the +vapours arising from its extended shores at low water are, in warm +weather, very offensive; but the influx of strangers is, nevertheless, +very great, from its being the port most eligible to embark from for +either Havre de Grace, Guernsey, Jersey, or the Isle of Wight. The +market here is accounted excellent, and from this source the visitors +of Cowes are principally ~143~~supplied with fruit, fish, fowl, and +delicacies. The steam boat is a new scene for the painter of real life, +and the inquisitive observer of the humorous and eccentric. The facility +it affords of a quick and certain conveyance, in defiance of wind and +tide, ensures its proprietors, during the summer months, a harvest of +success. Its advantages I have here attempted to describe in verse, a +whim written during my passage; and this will account for the odd sort +of measure adopted, which I attribute to the peculiar motion of the +vessel, and the clanking of the engine; for, as everybody knows, +poets are the most susceptible of human beings in relation to local +circumstances. + + THE ADVANTAGES OF STEAM. + + If Adam or old Archimedes could wake as from a dream, + How the ancients would be puzzled to behold + Arts, manufactures, coaches, ships, alike impell'd by steam; + Fire and water changing bubbles into gold. + Steam's universal properties are every day improving, + All you eat, or drink, or wear is done by steam; + And shortly it will be applied to every thing that's moving, + As an engine's now erecting to write novels by the ream. + Fine speeches in the parliament, and sermons 'twill deliver; + To newspapers it long has been applied; + In King's Bench Court or Chancery a doubtful question shiver + With an argument already "cut and dried." + Its benefits so general, and uses so extensive, + That steam ensures the happiness of all mankind; + We grow rich by its economy, and travel less expensive + To the Indies or America, without the aid of wind. + +Here we are, then, on board the steam boat, huge clouds of smoke +rolling over our heads, and the reverberatory paddles of the engine just +beginning to cut the bosom of Southampton Water. Every where the eye +of the traveller feasts with delight upon the surrounding scenery and +objects, while his cranium is protected from the too powerful heat of a +summer's ~144~~sun by an elegant awning spread from side to side of +the forecastle, and under which he inhales the salubrious and saline +breezes, enjoying an uninterrupted prospect of the surrounding country. +On the right, the marine villas of Sir Arthur Pagett and Sir Joseph +Yorke, embowered beneath the most luxuriant foliage, claim the notice +of the traveller; and next the antique ruins of Netley Abbey peep out +between the portals of a line of rich majestic trees, bringing to the +reflective mind reminiscences of the past, of the days of superstition +and of terror, when the note of the gloomy bell reverberated through the +arched roofs the funeral rite of some departed brother, and, lingering, +died in gentle echoings beneath the vaulted cloisters, making the +monkish solitude more horrible; but now, as Keate has sung, + + "Mute is the matin bell, whose early call + Warn'd the gray fathers from their humble beds; + No midnight taper gleams along the wall, + Or round the sculptured saint its radiance sheds." + +At the extremity of the New Forest, and commanding the entrance to the +river, the picturesque fort called Calshot Castle stretches forth, like +the Martello Towers in the Bay of Naples, an object of the most romantic +appearance; and at a little distance from it rises the stately tower +of Eaglehurst, with its surrounding pavilions and plantations. To +the westward is the Castle of Hurst; and now opens to the astonished +traveller's view the Wight, extending eastward and westward far as the +eye can compass, but yet within its measurement from point to point. + + ------"Here in this delicious garden is + Variety without end; sweet interchange + Of hills and valleys, rivers, woods, and plains; + Now land, now sea, and shores with forests crown'd, + Rocks, dens, and caves." + +The coast presents a combination of romantic, pastoral, and marine +beauties, that are deservedly the ~145~~theme of admiration, and +certainly no spot of the same extent, in the three kingdoms, perhaps in +the world, can boast of such a diversity of picturesque qualities, of +natural charms, and local advantages--attractions which have justly +acquired for it the emphatic distinction of the Garden of England. +Every where the coast is adorned with cottages or villas, hill or vale, +enriched by the most luxuriant foliage, and crowned in the distance by +a chain of lofty downs; while in front the coasts of Gosport and +Portsmouth, and that grand naval station for England's best bulwarks, +Spithead, present a forest of towering masts and streamers, which adds +much to the natural grandeur of the scene. As we near Cowes we +are delighted with a variety of striking objects: The chaste and +characteristic seat of Norris, the residence of Lord Henry Seymour, +massive in its construction, and remarkable for the simplicity of its +style and close approximation to the ancient castle. On the brow of the +hill the picturesque towers of East Cowes Castle rise from a surrounding +grove, and present a very beautiful appearance, which is materially +increased upon nearer inspection by the rapid spread of the deep-hued +ivy clinging to its walls, and giving it an appearance of age and +solidity which is admirably relieved by the diversity of the lighter +foliage. On the other side projects from a point westward Cowes Castle, +the allotted residence of the governor, but now inhabited by the Marquis +of Anglesey and his family, to whose partiality for aquatic sports +Cowes is much indebted for its increasing consequence and celebrity. The +building itself, although much improved of late, is neither picturesque +nor appropriate; but the adjoining scenery, and particularly the marine +villas of Lord Grantham and the late Sir J. C. Hippesley, have greatly +increased the beauty of the spot, which first strikes the eye of a +stranger in his progress to West Cowes from ~146~~Southampton Water. +The town itself rises like an amphitheatre from the banks of a noble +harbour, affording security and convenience for large fleets of ships +to ride at anchor safely, or to winter in from stress of weather, or +the repair of damages. But here ends my topographical sketches for the +present. The inspiring air of "Home, sweet Home," played by the steward +upon the key bugle, proclaims our arrival; the boat is now fast drawing +to her moorings at the Fountain Quay, the boatmen who flock along-side +have already solicited the care of my luggage, and the hand of my +friend, Horace Eglantine, is stretched forth to welcome my arrival at +West Cowes. + +The first salutations over with my friend Eglantine, I could not help +expressing my surprise at the sailor-like appearance of his costume. +"All the go here, old fellow," said Horace; "we must start that +long-tailed gib of yours for a nice little square mizen, just enough to +cover your beam and keep your bows cool; so bear a hand, my boy, and let +us drop down easy to our births, and when properly rigged you shall go +on board my yacht, the Rover, and we will bear away for the westward. +Only cast off that sky scraper of yours before the boom sweeps it +overboard, and cover your main top with a Waterloo cap: there, now, you +are cutter rigg'd, in good sailing trim, nothing queer and yawl-like +about you." In this way I soon found myself metamorphosed into a +complete sailor, in appearance; and as every other person of any +condition, from the marquis downwards, adopted the same dress, the +alteration was indispensably necessary to escape the imputation of being +considered a Goth. Among the varied sports in which the nobility and +gentry of England have at any time indulged, or that have, from the mere +impulse of the moment and the desire of novelty, become popular, none +have been more truly national and praiseworthy than the establishment of +the Royal Yacht Club. The promotion ~147~~of aquatic amusement combines +the soundest policy in the pursuit of pleasure, two points but rarely +united; in addition to which it benefits that class of our artizans, +the shipwrights, who, during a time of profound peace, require some +such auxiliary aid; nor is it less patriotic in affording employment to +sea-faring men, encouraging the natural characteristic of Britons, and +feeding and fostering a branch of service upon which the country must +ever rely for its support and defence in time of peril. To the owners +it offers advantages and attractions which are not, in other pursuits, +generally attainable; Health here waits on Pleasure,--Science benefits +by its promotion,--friends may partake without inconvenience or much +additional expense,--travel is effected with economy,--and change of +scene and a knowledge of foreign coasts obtained without the usual +privations and incumbrances attendant upon the public mode of +conveyance. By a recent regulation, any gentleman's pleasure yacht may +enter the ports of France, or those of any other power in alliance with +England, exempted from the enormous exactions generally extorted from +private and merchant vessels, as harbour and other dues,--a privilege of +no mean consequence to those who are fond of sailing. In addition, +there are those, and of the service too, who contend, that since the +establishment of the Royal Yacht Club, by their building superior +vessels, exciting emulation, and creating a desire to excel in naval +architecture, and also by the superiority of their sailing, the public +service of the country has been much benefited, particularly as regards +our lighter vessels, such as revenue cutters and cruizers. This club, +which originated with some gentlemen at Cowes in the year 1815, now +comprises the name of almost every nobleman and gentleman in the kingdom +who keeps a yacht, and is honoured with that of the sovereign, and +other members of his family, ~148~~as its patrons. Cowes Harbour is the +favourite rendezvous; and here in the months of July and August may +be seen above one hundred fine vessels built entirely for purposes of +pleasure, and comprising every size and variety of rigging, from a ship +of three hundred tons burthen to the yawl of only eight or ten. It was +just previous to that delightful spectacle, the regatta, taking place, +when the roads and town presented an unusually brilliant appearance, +that I found myself agreeably seated on board the Rover, a cutter +yacht of about thirty tons, who, if she was not fitted up with all the +superiority of many of those which surrounded me, had at least every +comfortable and necessary accommodation for half a dozen visitors, +without incommoding my friend Horace or his jovial crew. + +I had arrived at Cowes a low-spirited weakly invalid, more oppressed +in mind than body; but a few trips with my friend Eglantine to sea, on +board the Rover, and some equally pleasant rambles among the delightful +scenery which surrounds the bay of Cowes, had in one week's residence +banished all symptoms of dispepsia and nervous debility, and set the +master of arts once more upon his legs again. Some idea of my condition, +on leaving _alma mater_, may be obtained by the following effusion of +my Muse, who, to do her justice, is not often sentimental, unless when +sickness presses her too close. + + THE INVALID. + + Light-hearted Mirth and Health farewell, + Twin sisters of my youthful days, + Who through life's early spangled dell + Would oft inspire my humble lays. + + Fancy, cameleon of the mind, + The poet's treasure, life, and fame, + Thou too art fled, with wreath to bind + The budding of some happier name. + +~149~~ + + Oppression's sway, or fortune's frown, + My buoyant spirits once could bear; + But now chimeras press me down, + And all around seems fell despair. + + With fev'rish dreams and frenzied brain, + When Hecate spreads her veil, I'm crost; + My body sinks a prey to pain, + And all but lingering hope is lost. + +With the return of health and spirits, Horace insisted I should write +the "L'Allegro" to this "Il Penseroso" effusion. So, finding the jade +had recovered her wonted buoyancy, I prayed her mount on gayest wing, +and having spread her pinions to the sun, produced the following +impromptu. + + THE CONVALESCENT. + + Welcome, thou first great gift below, + Hygeian maid, with rosy glow, + Thrice welcome to my call. + Let misers hug their golden store, + I envy none the servile ore; + To me thou art all in all. + + Thou spring of life, and herald fair, + Whose charm dispels disease and care, + And yields a summer joy, + All hail! celestial seraph, hail! + Thou art the poet's coat of mail, + His mirth without alloy. + +There is a prepossessing something in the life of a sailor which +improves the natural attachment of Englishmen to every thing nautical; +so much so, that I never heard of one in my life who was not, after +a single trip, always fond of relating his hair-breadth perils and +escapes, and of seizing every opportunity to display his marine +knowledge by framing his conversation _ship shape_, and decorating his +oratory with a few of those lingual localisms, which to a landsman must +be almost unintelligible without the aid of ~150~~a naval glossary. +A fortnight's tuition under the able auspices of my friend Horace had +brought me into tolerable good trim in this particular; I already +knew the difference between fore and aft, a gib, a mainsail, and a +mizen;could hand a rope, or let go the foresail upon a tack; and having +gained the good opinion of the sailing captain, I was fast acquiring a +knowledge how to box the binnacle and steer through the Needle's Eye. +But, my conscience! as the Dominie says, I could never learn how to +distinguish the different vessels by name, particularly when at a little +distance; their build and rigging being to my eye so perfectly similar. +In all this, however, my friend Horace was as completely at home as if +he had studied naval architecture at the college; the first glance of a +vessel was quite enough for him: like an old sportsman with the pedigree +of a horse or a dog, only let him see her, through his glass head or +stern, or upon a lee lurch, and he would hail her directly, specify her +qualities and speed, tell you where she was built, and who by, give you +the date of her register, owner's name, tonnage, length and breadth +of her decks, although to the eye of the uninitiated there was no +distinguishing mark about her, the hull being completely black, and +the rigging, to a rope, like every other vessel of the same class. +"For instance," said Horace, "who could possibly mistake that beautiful +cutter, the Pearl? See how she skims along like a swan with her head +up, and stern well under the wind! Then, look at her length; there's +a bowsprit, my boy! full half the measurement of her hull; and her new +mainsail looks large enough to sweep up every breath of wind between +the sea and the horizon. Then only direct your fore lights to her trim; +every rope just where it should be, and not a line too much; and when +she fills well with a stiff breeze, not a wrinkle in all her canvas from +the gib to the gaff topsail. Then observe how she dips in the bows, and +what a breadth she ~151~~has; why she's fit for any seas; and if the +Arrow ever shoots past her, I'll forfeit every shot in my lockers." +"Avast there! master Horace," said our master at the helm, who was an +old Cowes pilot, and as bluff as a Deal sea-boat; "the Pearl is a noble +sailer; but a bird can't fly without wings, nor a ship run thirteen +knots an hour without a good stiff breeze. If the light winds prevail, +the Arrow will have the advantage, particularly now she's cutter rigged, +and has got the marquis's old mainsail up to take the wind out of his +eye." "Ay, ay," said Horace, "you must tell that story to the marines, +old boy; it will never do for the sailors." "Mayhap, your honours +running right a-head with the Pearl, and betting your blunt all one +way; but, take an old seaman's advice; may I get no more rest than a +dog-vane, or want a good _grego_{1} in a winter's watch, if I don't +think you had better keep a good look-out for the wind's changing aft; +and be ready to haul in your weather-braces, and bear the +back-stays abreast the top-br'im, ere the boatswain's mate pipes the +starboard-watch a-hoy." "Tush, tush, old fellow," said Horace, with whom +I found Lord Anglesey's cutter stood a one at Lloyd's. "May my mother +sell vinegar, and I stay at home to bottle it off, if I would give a +farthing per cent, to be ensured for my whole risk upon the grand match! +Mind your weather roll, master--belay every inch of that. There now; +look out a-head; there's the Liberty giving chase to the Julia, and +the Jack-o'lantern weathering the Swallow upon every tack. His Grace of +Norfolk won't like that; but a pleasure hack must not be expected to run +against a thorough-bred racer. There is but one yawl in the club, and +that is the little Eliza, that can sail alongside a cutter; but then Sir +George Thomas is a tar for all weathers--a true blue jacket--every thing +so snug--cawsand rig--no topmasts--all so square and trim, that nothing +of his bulk can + + 1 A watch-coat. + +~152~~beat him." In this way my friend Eglantine very soon perfected me +in nautical affairs, or, to use his expression, succeeded in putting a +"timber head in the ship;" and the first use I made of my newly acquired +information was to pen a _jeu d'esprit_, in the way of a circular in +rhyme, inviting the members of the Royal Yacht Club to assemble in +Cowes-roads. The whim was handed about in MS., and pleased more from +its novelty than merit; but as it contains a correct list of the club at +this period, and as the object of the English Spy is to perpetuate the +recollections of his own time, I shall here introduce it to the notice +of my readers. + + + + +A CIRCULAR, + +ADDRESSED TO THE MEMBERS OP THE ROYAL YACHT CLUB. + +Come, lads, bend your sails; o'er the blue waters thronging, In barks +like the sea-mew that skims o'er the lave; All you to the Royal Yacht +squadron belonging, Come, muster at Cowes, for true sport on the +wave.{1} First our king,{2} Heaven bless him! who's lord of the sea, +And delights in the sport of the circling wave, Commands you attend +him wherever ye be, Sons of ocean, ye loyal, ye witty, and brave. Here +Anglesey,{3} Waterloo's hero, shall greet ye; + + 1 The club generally assemble in Cowes-roads about the + middle of July to commence their aquatic excursions, which + are continued + + until after the Regatta in August. + + 2 His Majesty is graciously pleased to honour the club by + becoming its patron. + + 3 The Marquis of Anglesey is a principal promoter of this + truly British sport, and resides with his family at Cowes + Castle during the season. The Pearl cutter, 113 tons, and + the Liberty cutter, 42 tons, are both his property. + +~153~~ + +The Pearl, and the Liberty, cutters in trim, The Welds {4} in the Arrow +and Julia too meet ye, The match for eight hundred affording you whim. +Here Grantham{5} his Nautilus, steer'd by old Hollis, Shall cut through +the wave like a beautiful shell; And Symonds{6} give chase in the yawl +the Cornwallis, And Webster{7} the Scorpion manage right well; And +Williams{8} the younger, and Owen{9} his dad, From the shores of +Beaumaris have run the Gazelle; And Craven{10} his May-fly wings o'er +like a lad That is used to the ocean, and fond of its swell. Come, +lads, bear a hand--here's Sir George hove in sight, With his little +Eliza{11} so snug and so trim; Tan sails, cawsand rigg'd--for all +weather she's tight; You must sail more than well, if you mean to beat +him. Then steady, boys, steady--here's Yarborough's{12} Falcon, A very +fine ship, but a little too large; And here is a true son of Neptune to +talk on, Vice-Admiral Hope,{13} K.CB. in his barge. + + 4 Joseph and James Welds, Esqrs., of Southampton, the + wealthy and spirited owners of the Arrow yawl, 85 tons, and + the Julia, 43 tons. These gentlemen evince the greatest + spirit in challenging and sailing any of the club. + + 5 Lord Grantham, Nautilus, Cutter, 103 tons, a new and very + fast sailer. + + Owner Vessel Class Tons + + 6 Capt. J. C. Symonds, R.N. Adm. Cornwallis Yawl 22 + + 7 Sir Godfrey Webster Scorpion, Cutter 110 + + 8 T. P. Williams, Esq., Hussar, Schooner, 120 + and the Blue-eyed Maid, Cutter, 39 + + 9 Owen Williams, Esq. Gazelle Cutter 87 + + 10 Earl Craven May-fly Yawl 39 + + 11 Sir George Thomas, Bart. Eliza Yawl 34 + + 12 Lord Yarborough Commodore Falcon Ship 335 + + 13 Vice-Admiral Sir W. Johnston Hope, K.C.B., who is here in + one of the Admiralty yachts. + +~154~~ + + Come, lads, spread your canvas for health and for pleasure, + For both are combined in this true British sport; + Come, muster in Cowes-roads without further leisure, + Blue jackets and trowsers for dresses at court. + See Deerhurst{14} his Mary sticks to like a lover, + And Lindegren's{15}Dove wings it over the main; + Powell's {16} Briton, 'tis very well known, is a rover, + In Union the Pagets{17}must ever remain; + Here's Smith's {18 }Jack o'lantern and Chamberlayne's Fairy,{19} + Earl Harborough's{20} Ann, and F. Pake's Rosabelle{21} + Lord Willoughby's {22} Antelope, Penleaze's {23}Mary, + And Gauntlet's{24}Water-sprite sails very well. + Come, jolly old Curtis,{25} bear up in your Emma, + Eight cheerily laden with turtle and port; + And Melville{26} set sail if you'd scape the dilemma + Of being too late for our aquatic sport. + See Norfolk {27}already is here in the Swallow, + And the Don Giovanni a challenge has sent, + Which Lyons {28} accepts, and intends to beat hollow, + That is if the Londoner should not repent. + + Owner Vessel + + 14 Viscount Deerhurst Mary + + 15 J. Lindegren, Esq. Dove. + + 16 J. B. Powell, Esq. Briton + + 17 Right Hon. Sir A. Paget Union + + 18 T. A. Smith, jun. Esq. Jack o'lantern + + 19 W. Chamberlayne, Esq. Fairy + + 20 Earl of Harborough Ann + + 21 F. Pare, Esq. Rosabelle + + 22 Lord Willoughby do Broke Antelope + + 23 J. S. Penleaze, Esq. Mary + + 24 Captain J. Gauntlet Water Sprite + + 25 Sir William Curtis, Bart. Rebecca Maria, Yawl, 76 tons. + and Emma, Schooner, 132 tons. + + 26 Lord Melville Admiralty Yacht 100 + + 27 Duke of Norfolk Swallow Yawl 124 + + 28 Captain Edmund Lyons (the polar navigator) had just + launched the Queen Mab. + +~155~~ + + But look, what a crowd of fine yachts are arriving! + The Elizabeth,{29 }Unicorn,{30} Cygnet,{31} and Jane,{32} + The Eliza, Sabrina,{33} Madora,{34} all striving + To beat one another as coursing the main. + A fleet of small too, at anchor are riding; + The Margaret{35} Sapphire,{36} the Molly,{37} and Hind,{38} + The Orion,{39} and Dormouse{40} and Janette{41}abiding + The time when each vessel shall covet the wind. + Then, boys, bend your sails, and weigh for our regatta, + We've a Sylph?{42 and a Rambler{43} and a Merry Maid,{44} + A Syren{45} a Cherub{46} a Charlotte{47} and at her + A Corsair(48} who looks as if nothing afraid. + Here the Lord of the Isles{49} and freebooter Rob Roy,{50} + By a Will o' the Wisp{51} are led over the deep; + + 29 J. Fleming, Esq. + Elizabeth + + 30 H. Perkins, Esq. + Unicorn, + + 31 J. Reynolds, Esq. + Cygnet + + 32 Hon. William Hare + Jane + + 33 James Maxie, Esq. + Sabrina + + 34 H. Hopkins, Esq. + Madora + + 35 Hon. William White + Margaret + + 36 James Dundas, Esq. + Sapphire + + 37 Lieutenant-Colonel Harris + Charming Molly + + 38 Capt. Herringham, R.N. + Hind + + 39 James Smith, Esq. + Orion + + 40. P. Peach, Esq. + Dormouse + + 41 Capt. C. Wyndham, R.N. + Janette + + 42 R. W. Newman, Esq. + Sylph + + 43 J. H. Durand, Esq. + Jolly Rambler + + 44 Joseph Gulston, Esq. + Merry-maid + + 45 T. Lewin, Esq. + Syren + + 46 T. Challen, Esq. + Cherub + + 47 John Vassall, Esq. + Charlotte + + 48 Corbett, Esq. + Corsair + + 49 Colonel Seale + Lord of the Isles + + 50 W. Gaven, Esq. + Rob Roy + + 51 E. H. Dolatield, Esq. + Will o' the Wisp + + And the Highland Lass{52} blushes a welcome of joy, + As alongside the Wombwell{53} she anchors to sleep. + Here the Donna del Lago{54} consorts with Rostellan,{55} + To the New Grove,{56} Lord Nelson{57} Louisa {58} attends, + Galatea{59} runs a Harrie{60} in chase of the Erin,{61} + And here with the Club List my Circular ends. + + Owner Vessel Class Tons + + 52 Lieut.-Gen. Mackenzie Highland Lass Yawl 25 + + 53 T. Harman, Esq. Wombivell Cutter 33 + + 54 S. Halliday, Esq. Lady of Die Lake Yawl 42 + + 55 Marquis of Thoruond Rostellan Schooner 60 + + 56 John Roche, Esq. New Grove Cutter 24 + + 57 Reverend C. A. North Lord Nelson Cutter 75 + + 58 Arch. Swinton, Esq. Louisa Yawl 24 + + 59 C. R. M. Talbot, Esq. Galatea Schooner 179 + + 60 Sir R. J. A. Kemys Harrier Schooner 36 + + 61 T. Allen, Esq. Erin Schooner 94 + +~156~~ + +"A right merrie conceit," said Horace, "and a good-humoured jingle that +must be gratifying to all mentioned, and will serve as a record of the +present list of the Yacht Club to future times. We must petition the +commodore to enter you upon the ship's books as poet-laureate to the +squadron: you shall pen lyrics for our annual club-dinner at East Cowes, +compose sea-chants for our cabin jollifications, sing the praises of our +wives and sweethearts, and write a congratulatory ode descriptive of +our vessels, crews, and commanders, at the end of every season; and +your reward shall be a birth on board any of the fleet when you choose a +sail, and a skin-full of grog whenever you like to command it. So come, +old fellow, give us a spice of your qualifications for your new office; +something descriptive of the science of navigation, from its earliest +date to the perfection of a first-rate man of war." + +~157~~ + +THE PROGRESS OF NAVIGATION, + +AN ORIGINAL SONG; + +Dedicated to the Members of the Royal Yacht Club. + + In the first dawn of science, ere man could unfold + The workings of nature, or valued dull gold; + Ere yet he had ventured to dare ocean's swell, + Or could say by the moon how the tides rose and fell; + A philosopher seated one day on the brink + Of the silvery margin thus took him to think: + "If on this side the waters are girted by land, + What controls the wide expanse, I'd fain understand." + Thus buried in thought had he ponder'd till now, + But a beautiful nautilus sail'd to and fro; + Just then a sly breeze raised the curls from his eyes, + And he woke from a dream to extatic surprise. + O'er his head a huge oak spread a canopy round, + Whose trunk being hollow, he levell'd to ground; + With a branch form'd a mast, and some matting a sail, + And thus rudely equipp'd dared the perilous gale; + Of the winds and the waves both the mercy and sport, + His bark was long tost without guidance to port, + And the storms of the ocean went nigh to o'erwhelm, + When the tail of the dolphin suggested a helm. + Ry degrees, the canoe to a cutter became, + And order and form newly-moulded the same, + Ropes, rigging, and canvas, and good cabin room, + A bowsprit, a mizen, a gib, and a boom. + From the cutter, the schooner, brig, frigate arose; + Till Britons, determined to conquer their foes, + Built ships like to castles, they call'd men of war, + The fame of whose broadsides struck terror afar. + Now boldly, philosophy aided by skill, + Bent his course o'er the blue waters sailing at will, + But dubious the track, for as yet 'twas unknown + How to steer 'twixt the poles for a north or south zone, + +~158~~ + + Till the magnet's attraction, by accident found, + Taught man how the globe he could traverse around; + New worlds brought to light, and new people to view, + And by commerce connected Turk, Christian, and Jew. + All this while, father Neptune lay snug in his bed, + Till he heard a sad riot commence o'er his head, + Folks firing, and fighting, and sailing about, + When his godship popp'd up just to witness the rout; + It happen'd in one of those actions to be + When Europe combined fought the isle of the sea, + And, as usual, were conquer'd, sunk, fired, or run, + That old Neptune acknowledged each Briton his son. + "From this time," said his godship, "henceforth, be it known, + Little England's the spot for the ocean-king's throne; + And this charter I grant, and enrol my decree, + That my brave sons, the Britons, are lords of the sea." + +"There's nothing like a good song," said Horace, "for conveying +information on nautical subjects, or promoting that national spirit +which is the pride and glory of our isle. I question if the country +are not more indebted to old Charles Dibdin for his patriotic effusions +during the late war, than to all the psalm-singing admirals and +chaplains of the fleet put together. I know that crab Gambier, and the +methodist privateers who press all sail to pick up a deserter from the +orthodox squadron, do a great deal of mischief among our seamen; for as +Corporal Trim says, 'What time has a sailor to palaver about creeds when +it blows great guns, or the enemies of his country heave in sight? a +sailor's religion is to perform his duty aloft and do good below; honour +his king, love his girl, obey his commander, and burn, sink, and destroy +the foes of his country.' Here we have an occasional exhibition of this +sort on board the depot vessel in the harbour, when the _Bethel_ flag +~159~~is hoisted, and the voice of the puritan is heard from East Cowes +to Eaglehurst; as if there were not already conventicles enough on shore +for those who are disposed to separate themselves from the established +church, without the aid of a floating chapel, furnished by the +government agent to subvert the present order of things. On this point, +you know, I was always a liberal thinker, but a firm friend to the +church, as being essential to the best interests of the state. An old +college chum of ours, who has been unusually fortunate in obtaining +ecclesiastical preferment, thought proper to send me a friendly lecture +in one of his letters the other day on this subject, to which I returned +the following answer, and put an end to his scruples, as I think, for +ever: I have entitled it + + THE UNIVERSALIST. + + 'to a friend who questioned the propriety of his + religious opinions. + + 'You ask what creed is mine? and where + I seek the Lord in holy prayer? + What sect I follow? by what rule, + Perhaps you mean, I play the fool? + I answer, none; yet gladly own + I worship God, but God alone. + No pious fraud or monkish lies + Shall teach me others to despise; + Whate'er their creed, I love them all, + So they before their Maker fall. + The sage, the savage, and refined, + On this one point are equal blind: + Shall man, the creature of an hour, + Arraign the all-creative Power? + Or, by smooth chin, or beard unshaved, + Decree who shall or not be saved? + Presumptuous priests, in silk and lawn, + May lib'ral minds denounce with scorn; + The reason's clear--remove the veil, + Their trade and interest both must fail. + +~160 + + I hold that being worse than blind, + Where bigotry usurps the mind; + And more abhor him who for pelf, + Denouncing others, damns himself. + Look round, observe creation's work, + From Afric's savage to the Turk; + Through polish'd Europe turn your eye, + To where the sun of liberty + On western shores illumes the wave, + That flows o'er many a patriot's grave; + As varied as their skin's the creed, + By which they hope they shall succeed + In presence of their God, to prove + Their claim to his eternal love; + A claim that must and will have weight, + No matter what their creed or state. + By modes of faith let none presume + To fix his fellow-creature's doom.'" + +"A truce with religion, Horace," said I; "it is a controversy that +generally ends in making friends foes, and foes the most implacable of +persecutors: with the one it shuts out all hope of reconciliation, with +the other breeds a war of extermination; so come, lad, leave theology +to the fathers--we that have liberal souls tolerate all creeds. More +hollands, steward: here's a glass to all our college acquaintance, not +forgetting grandmamma and the pretty nuns of Saint Clement's. Where +the deuce is all that singing we hear above, steward?" "On board the +Transport, your honour." "Ay, I remember, I saw the poor devils +embark this morning, and a doleful sight it was--one hundred of my +fellow-creatures, in the prime of life, consigned to an early grave, +transported to the pestilential climate of Sierre Leone: inquire for +them three months hence, and you shall find them--not where they will +find you--but where whole regiments of their predecessors have been +sacrificed, on the unhealthy shores--victims to the false policy of +holding what is worse than useless, and of enslaving the original owners +of the soil. + +~161~~Liquor, and the reflection of their desperate fortunes, have +driven them mad, and now they give vent to their feelings in a forced +torrent of wild mirth, in which they would bury the recollections +of those they are parted from for ever. On the beach this morning I +witnessed a most distressing scene: wives separated by force from their +husbands, and children torn from the fond embraces of parents whose +parting sighs were all they could yield them on this side the grave. +'Push off the boat, and, officer, see that no women are permitted on +board,' said the superintending lieutenant of the depot, with a voice +and manner hard and unfeeling as the iron oracle of authority. My heart +sickened at the sight, and the thrilling scream of a widowed wife, +as she fell senseless on the causeway, created an impression that my +pitying Muse could not resist recording. + + 'THE SOLDIER'S WIPE. + + 'There's a pang which no pencil nor pen can express, + A heart-broken sigh which despondency breathes, + When the soul, overcharged with oppressive distress, + Of the tear of relief the sad bosom bereaves. + 'Twas thus on the shore, like a statue of grief, + The wife of the soldier her babe fondly press'd; + Not a word could she utter, no tear gave relief, + But sorrow convulsively heaved her soft breast. + Now nearer she presses--now severed for life + The waves bear the lord of her bosom from view; + Distraction suspends the red current of life, + And she sinks on the beach as he sighs out adieu.'" + +"Zounds, old fellow, how sentimental you are growing!" said Horace: "you +must read these pathetic pieces to the marines; they will never do for +the sailors. Here, steward, bear a hand, muster the crew aft, and let us +have a tune, Jack's Alive, Malbrook, or the College Hornpipe;" an order +that was quickly carried into execution, as most of the ~162~~men on +board I found played some wind instrument, the effect of which upon the +stillness of the water was enchantingly sweet. During the occasional +rests of the band, Horace sung one of those delightful melodies, written +in imitation of Moore, for which he was celebrated when a boy at Eton. + + THE EVENING TIDE. + + Tune--" The Young May Moon." + Whither so fast away, my dear? + The star of Eve is bright and clear, + And the parting day, as it fades away, + To lovers brings delight, my dear: + Then 'neath night's spangled veil, my dear, + Come list t' the young heart's tale sincere; + Yon orb of light, so chaste and bright, + Love's magic yields within her sphere. + Then through the shady grove, my love, + Let's wander with the cooing dove, + Till the starry night, to morning's light, + Shall break upon our wooing, love. + As life's young dream shall pass, my love, + Together let us gaily row, + And day by day, in sportive play, + Enjoy life's Meeting gloss, my love. + +[Illustration: page163] + +It was on one of those warm evenings in the month of July, when scarcely +a zephyr played upon the wanton wave, and the red sun had sunk to rest +behind the Castle turrets, giving full promise of another sultry +day, that our little band had attracted a more than usual display of +promenaders on the walk extending from the Fort point to the Marine +Hotel. With the report of the evening gun, or, as Horace termed it, +the _admiral's grog bell_, we had quitted the cabin, and mustering our +little party upon deck, suffered the Rover to drift nearer in shore with +the tide, that we might enjoy the gratifying spectacle of more +closely observing the young, the beautiful, and the ~163~~accomplished +_elegantes_ who traversed to and fro upon the beach to catch the soft +whispers of the saline air. + +At the Castle Causeway a boat had just landed a group of beautiful +children, who appeared clinging round a tall well-formed man, in a blue +jacket and white trowsers, resting a hand upon each of two fine boys +dressed in a similar style: he walked on, with a slight affection of +lameness, towards the Castle entrance, preceded by three lovely little +female fairies, who gambolled in his path like sportive zephyrs.--"There +moves one of the bravest men, and best of fathers, in his majesty's +dominions," said Horace--"the commander of the Pearl." "What," said I, +"the Marquis of Anglesey?" "The same--who here seeks retirement in the +bosom of his family, and without ostentation enjoys a pleasure, which, +in its pursuit, produces permanent advantage to many, and enables +others, his friends and relations, to participate with him in his +amusements. We are much indebted to the marquis for the promotion of +this truly British sport, who with his brothers, Sir Charles and Sir +Arthur, were among the first members of the Royal Yacht Club. The group +of blue jackets to the left, whom the marquis recognised as he passed, +consist of that merry fellow, Sir Godfrey Webster, who lias a noble +yacht here, the Scorpion; the commander of the Sabrina, James Manse, +Esq. another jovial soul; the two Williams's, father and son, who have +both fine yachts in our roads; Sir Charles Sullivan; and the Polar +navigator, Captain Lyons, who has just launched a beautiful little boat +called the Queen Mab, with whom he means to bewitch the Don Giovanni of +London." "Who is that interesting female leaning over the railings in +front of the Gothic house, attended by a dark pensive-looking swain, +with a very intelligent countenance? Methinks there is an air of style +about the pair that speaks nobility; and yet I have observed ~164~~they +appear too fond of each other's society to be fashionables." "That is +the delightful Lady F. L. Gower and her lord: I thought you would have +recognised that star instantly, from the splendid picture of her by +Lawrence, which hangs in the Stafford Gallery at Cleveland-house. The +elegant group pacing the lawn in front of the castellated mansion, on +this side of Lord Gower, is the amiable Countess of Craven and her +family: the earl, that generous and once merry-hearted soul, I lament to +hear, is a victim to the gout; but it is hoped a few trips on board the +May-fly will restore him to health, and the enjoyment of his favourite +pursuit." "By my soul, Horace," said I, "here comes a splendid creature, +a very divinity, my boy: I' faith just such a woman as might melt the +heart of a corsair." "By my honour you have hit the mark exactly," +replied Eglantine, "for she is already the corsair's bride, and Corbett +feels, as he ought to do, not a little proud of his good fortune. The +raven-haired Graces accompanying that true son of Neptune, Sir +George Thomas, are daughters of the baronet, and, report says, very +accomplished girls. Now by all that's fascinating and charming, hither +comes the beautiful Miss Seymour, Mrs. Fitzherbert's _protege_, and his +Majesty's little pet--an appellation I have often heard him salute +her by. The magnificent-looking belle by her side is a relation, the +charming Mrs. Seymour, acknowledged to be a star of the first magnitude +in female attractions. The three portly-looking gentlemen whose +grog-blossomed visages speak their love of the good things of this +world are the Admirals Scott and Hope, and that facetious of all funny +senators, Sir Isaac Coffin. If you are an admirer of the soft and the +sentimental, of the love-enkindling eye, and Madonna-like expression +of countenance, observe that band of Arcadian shepherdesses in speckled +dresses yonder--Bristol diamonds of the first and purest ~165~~water, +I assure you; and their respected father, the wealthy proprietor of +Miles's-court, Bristol, may well be delighted with his amiable and +beauteous daughters. The little dapper-looking man in the white hat +yonder is the liberal, good-tempered Duke of Norfolk; and the dashing +_roue_ by his side, the legitimate heir to his title, is the Earl of +Surrey, whose son, the young Baron of Mowbray, follows hand in hand +with Captain Wollaston, an old man-of-war's man, who sails the Swallow +cutter. The female group assembled in front of the King's-house are the +minor constellations from East Cowes, and the congregated mixture of +oddities who grace the balconies of the Pavilion boarding-house +comprise every grade of society from the Oxford invalid to the retired +shopkeeper, the Messieurs _Newcomes_ of the island." "A rich subject for +a more extended notice," said I, "when on some future occasion I visit +Margate or Brighton, where the diversity of character will be more +numerous, varied, and eccentric than in this sequestered spot." As the +evening advanced, the blue-eyed maid of heaven spread forth her silvery +light across the glassy surface of the deep, yielding a magic power to +the soul-inspiring scene, and, by reflection, doubling the objects on +the sea, whose translucent bosom scarcely heaved a sigh, or murmured +forth a ripple on the ear; and now, amid the stillness of the night, +we were suddenly amused with the deep-sounding notes of the key-bugle +reverberating over the blue waters with most harmonious effect. "We are +indebted to that mad wag, Ricketts, for this unexpected pleasure," said +Horace; "he is an amateur performer of no mean talent, and delights +in surprising the visitors in this agreeable manner." "Rover, a-hoy," +hailed a voice from the shore; off went our boat, and on its return +brought an accession to our party of half a dozen right merry fellows, +among whom was that choice spirit, Henry Day, whose facetious powers of +oratory and whim are ~166~~universally esteemed, and have often afforded +us amusement, when enjoying an evening among the eccentrics of London +and the brilliants of the press, who assemble for social purposes at the +Wrekin. The Days are too well known and respected as a family of long +standing in the island to require the eulogy of the English Spy, but +to acknowledge their hospitality and kindness he penned the following +tribute ere he quitted the shores of Vectis. + + LOVE, LAW, AND PHYSIC. + + In Vectis' Isle three happy Days + By any may be seen: + First, James, who loves by social ways + To animate mirth's scene; + An honest lawyer, Henry, next + With speech and bottle plies you; + And when by fell disease perplex'd, + Charles physics and revives you. + "Love, law, and physic," here combine + To claim the poet's praise: + May fortune's sunbeams ever shine + On three such worthy Days. + +A few more songs and a few more grogs brought on the hour of ten; and +now our friends having departed to their homes, Horace and myself took +a turn or two upon deck, smoked out our cigars, conjured up the +reminiscences of our school-boy days, and having spent a few moments +in admiration of the starry canopy which spread its spangled brightness +over our heads, we sought again the cabin, drank a parting glass to old +friends, turned into our births, and soon were cradled by the motion +of the vessel into sweet repose. The events of the former evening, the +novelty of the scene, and, above all, the magnificence of Nature, as +she appeared when viewed from sea, in her diurnal progress through the +transition ~167~~of morning, noon, and night, all inspired my Muse +to attempt poetic sketches of the character of the surrounding island +scenery. A delightful pleasure I have endeavoured to convey to my +readers in the following rhymes. + + MORNING IN THE ISLE OF WIGHT. + + When o'er the foreland glimmering day + Just breaks above the eastern lulls, + And streaks of gold through misty gray + Dispels night's dark and vap'rous chills; + Then, when the landsman 'gins to mow + The perfumed crop on grounds above, + And sailors chant the "yeo, heave yeo," + Then young hearts wake to life and love. + When still and slow the murmuring swell + Of ocean, rising from his throne, + O'erleaps the beach, and matin's bell + To prayer invites the college drone; + Then, when the pennant floats on high, + And anchor's weigh'd again to rove, + And tuneful larks ascend the sky, + Then young hearts wake to life and love. + When, by unerring nature's power, + Creation breaks the spell of night, + And plants their leaves expand and flow'r, + And all around breathes gay delight; + Then when the herdsman opes his fold + To let the merry lambkin rove, + And distant hills are tipt with gold, + Then young hearts wake to life and love, + +~168~~ + + NOON IN THE ISLE OF WIGHT. + + When toiling 'neath meridian sun + The boatman plies the lab'ring oar, + And sportive nymphs the margin shun + Of ocean's pebble-parched shore; + Then when beneath some shadowy cliff, + O'er-hanging wood, or leafy vale, + The trav'ller rests, haul'd up the skiff, + Then lovers breathe their am'rous tale. + When Nature, languid, seems to rest, + Nor moves a leaf, or heaves a wave, + And Zephyrs sleep, by Sol caress'd, + And sportive swallows skim the lave; + Then, when by early toil oppress'd, + The peasant seeks the glen or dale, + Enjoys his frugal meal and rest, + Then lovers breathe their am'rous tale. + When close beneath the forest's pride + The upland's group of cattle throng, + And sultry heat dissevers wide + The feather'd host of tuneful song; + Then when a still, dead, settled calm + O'er earth, and air, and sea prevail, + And lull'd is ev'ry spicy balm, + Then lovers breathe their am'rous tale. + +~169~~ + + EVENING IN THE ISLE OF WIGHT. + + When twilight tints with sober gray + The distant hills, and o'er the wave + The mellow glow of parting day + Crimsons the shipwreck'd sailor's grave; + Then when the sea-bird seeks the mast, + And signal lights illume the tower, + And sails are furl'd, and anchors cast, + Then, then is love's delicious hour. + When o'er the beach the rippling wave + Breaks gently, heaving to and fro, + Like maiden bosoms, ere the knave + Of hearts has ting'd their cheek with woe; + Then, when the watch their vigils keep, + And grog, and song, and jest have power + To laugh to scorn the peril'd deep, + Then, then is love's delicious hour. + When Cynthia sheds her mystic light + In silv'ry circles o'er the main; + And Hecate spreads her veil of night + O'er hearts that ne'er may meet again; + Then, Anna, blest with thee, I stray + 'Mid scenes of bliss--through nature's bower; + While eve's star guides us on our way, + Then, then is love's delicious hour. + +It has often been observed by inquisitive travellers, that in most of +our country villages not only the three best houses are inhabited by +the lawyer, the parson, and the doctor, but three-fourths of the whole +property of the place is generally monopolized by the same disinterested +triumvirate: however true the satire ~170~~may be in a general sense, +it certainly does not apply to Cowes, where the liberal professions +are really practised by liberal minds, and where the desire to do good +outweighs the desire to grow rich. But the good people of Cowes are not +without their nabobs; for instance, the eastern shores of the river are +under the dominion of Lord Henry Seymour and Mr. Nash, who there rule +over their humble tenantry with mild paternal sway. On the western side, +the absolute lords of the soil are Messrs. Bennett and Ward: the first, +like other great landed proprietors, almost always an absentee; and the +last somewhat greedy to grapple at every thing within his reach. "Who +does that fine park and mansion belong to?" said a stranger, surveying +Northwood from the summit of the hill. "King George," replied the +islander. "And who owns the steam-boats, which I now see arriving?" +"King George," reiterated the fellow. "And who is the largest proprietor +of the surrounding country?" "King George." "Indeed!" said the stranger, +"I was not aware that the crown lands were so extensive in the Wight. +Have you much game?" "Ees, ees." "And who is the lord of the manor?" +"King George." "And these new roads I see forming, are they also done +by King George?" "Ees, ees, he ought to gi' us a few new ones, I think; +bekase Ize zure he's stopped up enou of our old ones." "What, by some +new inclosure act, I suppose?" "Naye, naye, by some old foreclosure +acts, I expect." "Why, you do not mean to say that our gracious +sovereign is a money-lender and mortgagee?" "No; but our ungracious king +be the', and a money-maker too." "Fellow, take care; you are committing +treason against the Lord's anointed." "Ees, ees, he be a 'nointed one, +zure enou," retorted the fellow, laughing outright in the traveller's +face. "Sirrah," said the offended stranger, "I shall have you taken +before a justice." "Ees, ees, Ize heard o' them ere chaps at East Cowes, +but Ize ~171~~not much respect for 'em." "Not care for the magistrate!" +"Lord love you,--you be one of the Mr. Newcome, Ize warrant me; why, +we've gotten no zuch animal here, nothing o' sort nearer as Newport; +and lawyer Day can out-talk the best of them there, whenever he likes." +"There must be some mistake here," said the stranger, cooling a little +of his choler: "did you not tell me, fellow, that the king of England +owned all the land here, and the steam-boats, and the manor, and the +town, and the people, and-----------." "Hold, hold thee there," said the +islander; "I said, King George; and here he comes, in his four-wheeled +calabash, and before he undertakes to give us any more new roads, I wish +he'd set about mending his own queer ways" However strong the current of +prejudice may run against Squire Ward in the island, among a few of the +less wealthy residents, it must be admitted, that he is hospitable even +to a proverb, a sincere and persevering friend, and a liberal master to +his tenantry: the Christmas festivities at Northwood, when the poor are +plentifully regaled with excellent cheer, smacks of a good old English +custom, that shall confer upon the donor lasting praise, and hand down +his name to posterity with better chance of grateful remembrance than +all his mine of wealth can purchase; there are some well authenticated +anecdotes in circulation of George Ward, which prove that he has, with +all his eccentricities, + + "A tear for pity, and a hand, open as day, to melting charity." + +To his enterprising spirit Cowes is indebted for much of its present +popularity, the facility of travelling to and from the island being +greatly aided by the steamboats (his property) from Portsmouth and +Southampton; but much yet remains to be done by the inhabitants +themselves, if they wish to secure their present high partronage, and +increase with succeeding seasons the number of their visitors. The +promenade, admirably situate for the enjoyment of the sea ~172~~breeze, +and the delightful spectacle of a picturesque harbour filled with +a forest of beautiful pleasure yachts, is of an evening generally +obstructed by the assemblage of a juvenile band of both sexes, of +the very lowest description, who render it utterly impossible for the +delicate ear of female propriety to hazard coming in contact with their +boisterous vulgarities. The beautiful walk round the Castle battery +is wholly usurped by this congregated mass of rabble; and yet the +appointment of a peace-officer, a useful animal I never once saw at +Cowes, would remove the objection, and preserve a right of way and +good order among the crowd that would at least render it safe, if not +pleasant, to traverse the extended shore. The visit of their royal +highnesses the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge to John Nash, Esq. the +eminent architect, at East Cowes Castle, gave a new lustre to the +enchanting scene, and afforded the English Spy a favourable opportunity +for completing his sketches of the scenery and character of the island. +Among the festivities which the presence of the royal visitors gave +birth to, the most attractive and delightful was the grand _dejeune a la +fourchette_, given at St. Lawrence by the commodore of the Yacht Club, +the Right Honourable Lord Yarborough. The invitations to meet the royal +party were very general, including all of note and respectability on the +island, and extending to the number of six hundred persons, for whom +a most liberal and princely banquet was prepared upon the lawn of a +delightful cottage, near his seat of Appuldurcombe. The spot selected +for this entertainment was situated under a bold line of cliffs, +extending in a semicircular form for above a mile in length, and +inclosing one of the most romantic of nature's variegated scenes, +abounding with hill, and dale, and rich umbrageous foliage, delightfully +increased by the inspiring freshness of the sea breeze, and the unbroken +view of the Channel in front, and ~173~~rendered still more attractive +and picturesque by the numerous tents and temporary pavilions which had +been erected for the accommodation of the visitors, spreading over +a line of ground like an encampment in the Pyrenees, a similitude of +feature that was more powerfully increased when the well-concerted echo +of the signal bugles resounded from hill to hill, and the cannon's loud +report, from the battery beneath, reverberating through the surrounding +hill and dale, proclaimed for many a mile the gladsome tidings of the +approach of royalty. The scene was, beyond description, magnificent; +the assemblage of fashionables included a long list of noble and +distinguished persons, who, on the approach of the duke and duchess, +congregated upon an eminence, immediately opposite the entrance to the +lawn, and by their loyal cheers, and smiles, and birthday suits, gave +honest welcome to their monarch's brother, and in the fulness of their +hearty zeal, paid a grateful tribute to their absent king. The ungenial +state of the morning's weather had prevented many of the yachts from +coming round, but a few jolly hearts had weathered the Needles, and +displayed their loyalty by decorating their vessels with all the colours +of all the nations of the world. At an appointed signal the tents were +thrown open, and the royal party having retired to the pavilion, the +company sat down to an entertainment, where a profusion of choice wines +and viands covered the extended line; then commenced the interchange of +bright eyes and soft sayings, and the rosy blush of maiden beauty tinged +the cheek of many a sylphic form as the accomplished beau challenged the +fair to wine with him, and many a heart from that day's sportive scene +shall date the first impression of the soveieign passion which blends +with life's red current all of happiness or misery here below. The +repast over, the company again met the royal party and promenaded on +the lawn, and while thus ~174~~engaged, a new delight was prepared for +them--a scene not less congenial than peculiar to the English character, +and one which may well uplift that honest pride of country which ever +animates a Briton's heart. The tables being again replenished, the +peasantry of the surrounding districts were admitted and regaled with +unrestricted hospitality. + + And round the gay board cheerful Industry shone, + In a pureness and brightness to wealth oft unknown; + 'Twas a feast where a monarch might wish to preside, + For the cottager's comfort's his country's pride; + And Benevolence smiled on the heart-moving scene, + And music and beauty enlivened the green, + While the labourer, gratefully raising the glass, + Gave his king, then his donor, his dame, and his lass. + +The commodore's liberality is proverbial; he had sold his old yacht, the +Falcon, and the new vessel was not likely to be launched this season, +yet he would not forego the pleasure of a grand fete, and as it could +not be given on board his own ship, according to annual custom, he +seized upon this opportunity of the royal visit to unite Loyalty and +Friendship under one banner, and it must be recorded, that he displayed +an excellence of arrangement which left no wish ungratified. An +excursion round the island, sailing in a westerly direction, is one of +most delightful amusement to a lover of the picturesque; the circuit +is nearly eighty miles, every where presenting new features of the most +beautiful variety and romantic scenery, a voyage we made in the Rover +in about eight hours. Clearing Sconce Point, which is the first object +worthy notice from Cowes, you perceive the cottage, battery, and +residence of Captain Farrington on the rise of the hill, and beyond are +Gurnet and Harness Bays closely succeeding one another, the shores above +being well diversified with foliage and richly cultivated grounds. From +this station the coast gradually sinks towards Newtown River, where +the luxuriant woods of Swainton are perceived rising in the distance, +crowned by ~175~~Shalfleet church and a rich country as far as +Calbourne, the landscape bounded by a range of downs which stretch to +the extremity of the island. The coast at Hamsted, the farm estate of +John Nash, Esq. presents a very bold outline, and approaching Yarmouth, +which has all the appearance of an ancient French fort, the view of +the opposite point, called Norton, is very picturesque, presenting a +well-wooded promontory, adorned with numerous elegant residences; from +this spot the coast begins to assume a very bold, but sterile aspect, +composed of steep rugged slopes, and dull-coloured earthy cliffs, till +the attention of the voyager is suddenly arrested by the first view +of the Needle rocks, situate at the termination of a noble promontory +called Freshwater cliffs, which extend along a line of nearly three +miles, and at a part called Mainbench are six hundred feet above the sea +level, in some places perpendicular, and in others overhanging the ocean +in a most terrific manner; at the extreme point, or Needles, is the +light-house, where the view of the bays and cliffs beneath is beyond +description awfully sublime, and the precipices being covered with +myriads of sea-fowl of all description, who breed in the crannies of the +rocks, if called into action by the report of a gun fill the air with +screams and cries of most appalling import; the grandeur of the scene +being much increased by the singularly majestic appearance of the Needle +rocks, rearing their craggy heads above the ocean, and giving an awful +impression of the storms and convulsions which must have shaken +and devoured this once enormous mass. Their present form bears no +resemblance to their name, which was derived from a spiral rock, about +one hundred and twenty feet high, that fell in the year 1764, and left +the present fragments of its grandeur to moulder away, like the base of +some proud column of antiquity. On the opposite coast is Hurst Castle, a +circular fort, built by Henry ~176~~the Eighth; and on the north side of +the promontory is Alum Bay, the most beautiful and unique feature of the +sea cliffs of Albion. For about a quarter of a mile from the Needles the +precipice is one entire glare of white chalk, which curves round to, and +is joined by a most extraordinary mixture of vertical strata, composed +of coloured sands and ocherous earths blending into every variety of +tint, and so vivid and beautiful in colour, that they have been not +unfrequently compared to the prismatic hues of the rainbow. It was on +this spot the Fomone, a frigate of fifty guns, returning home, after +an absence of three years, with some Persian princes on board, in June, +1811, struck upon the rocks and went to pieces: the appearance of +a wreck, in such an extraordinary situation, must have formed a +combination of grand materials for the painter, that would be truly +sublime. At Saint Catherine's, in the cliffs, is the gloomy ravine +called Blackgang Chine, which should be visited by the traveller at +sunset, when the depth of shade materially increases the savage grandeur +of its stupendous and terrific effect. Tradition reports, that the awful +chasm beneath was formerly the retreat of a gang of pirates, from which +it derived its name. The total absence of vegetation, and the dusky hue +of the soil, combined with the obvious appearance of constant decay, the +dismembered fragments, and the streamlet to which it owes its origin, +falling perpendicularly over a ledge of hard rock from above seventy +feet high, producing a wild echo in the cavity beneath, all conspire to +render it the most striking and astonishing of Nature's wildest works. +The view off the Sand Rock presents the tasteful marine villas of Sir +Willoughby Gordon and Mrs. Arnold, whose well-cultivated grounds and +rich plantations reach down to the sea shore. Saint Lawrence brings to +view the romantic cottage of Lord Yarborough, succeeded by Steep Hill, +the lovely retreat of the late Earl Dysart; ~177~~the romantic flank of +Saint Boniface Down, and in the distance the fairy land of Bonchurch, +whose enchanting prospects and picturesque scenery have so often called +forth the varied powers of the painter and the poet, where sportive +nature, clothed in her gayest vest, presents a diversified landscape, +abounding with all the delightful combinations of rural scenery, of rich +groves, and dells, and meads of green, and rocks, and rising grounds; +streams edged with osiers, and the lowing herd spread over the luxuriant +land. As you approach East End, you perceive an extensive scene of +devastation, caused by the frequent landslips near to Luccombe Chine, +and the romantic chasm of Shanklin, from which spot Sandown comes next +in view, and sailing under the towering Culver cliffs we arrive at the +eastern extremity of the island. At Bimbridge a very dangerous ledge +spreads out into the sea, and gaining Brading Haven the old church tower +of Saint Helen's proclaims you are fast gaining upon that delightful +watering-place, the town of Ryde, whose picturesque pier, shooting forth +into the ocean, and covered with groups of elegant visitors, forms an +object of the most pleasing description. From this point the whole line +of coast to Cowes wears a rich and highly-cultivated appearance, being +divided into wood, arable, and pasture lands, diversified by the villas +of Earl Spencer, Mr. G. Player, and Mr. Fleming, when, having passed +Wooten Creek, the next object is Norris Castle; and now, having cleared +the point, you are once more landed in safety at the Vine Key, and +my old friend, Mrs. Harrington, whose pleasant countenance, obliging +manners, and good accommodation, are the universal theme of every +traveller's praise, has already made her best curtsy to welcome you back +to Cowes. + +The regatta was, indeed, a glorious scene, when the harbour was +literally filled with a forest of masts and streamers, the vessels of +the Royal Yacht ~178~~Club spread forth their milk white canvas to the +gale, many of those who were riding at anchor being decorated from head +to stem, over-mast, with the signal colours of most of the squadron and +the ensigns of the different nations. On the shore, and round the castle +battery, the congregated groups of lovely females traversed to and +fro, and the witchery of blight eyes and beauteous faces upon the manly +hearts of the sons of Neptune must have been magically triumphant. The +Pearl beat the Arrow, and the Julia the Liberty,--thus equalizing the +victory between the contending parties. The procession of the pilot +boats, about forty in number, was a very animated scene; and in the +sailing match of the succeeding day, our little craft, the Rover, came +in second, and received the awarded prize. The race ball at East Cowes +gave the young and fair another opportunity of riveting their suitors' +chains, and the revels of Terpsichore were kept up with spirit until the +streaking blush of golden morn shone through the dusky veil which Hecate +spreads around the couch of drowsy night. But the day of parting was at +hand; the last amusement of the time was a match made between Captain +Lyon and a Mr. Davey, of London, to sail their respective yachts, +the Queen Mab and the Don Giovanni, upon the challenge of the last +mentioned, a stipulated distance, for a sum of two hundred guineas--an +affair which did not, to use a sporting phrase, _come off well_, for +the Don most ungallantly refused to meet his fair opponent; and being +wofully depressed in spirits, either from apprehension of defeat, or sea +sickness, or some such fresh water fears, the little Queen was compelled +to sail over the course alone to claim the reward of her victory. + +And now the sports of the season being brought to a conclusion, and +the rough note of old Boreas and the angry groanings of Father Neptune +giving token of approaching storms, I bade farewell to Vectis, my +~179~~friend Horace transporting me in his yacht to Southampton Water. +Reader, if I should appear somewhat prolix in my descriptions, take a +tour yourself to the island, visit the delightful scenery with which it +abounds, participate in the aquatic excursions of the place, and meet, +as I have done, with social friends, and kind hearts, and lovely forms, +and your own delightful feelings will be my excuse for extending my +notice somewhat beyond my usual sketchy style. + + FAREWELL TO VECTIS. + + Blest isle, fare thee well! land of pleasure and peace, + May the beaux and the belles on thy shores still increase: + How oft shall my spirit, by absence opprest, + Revisit thy scenes, and in fancy be blest, + In the magic of slumber still sport on thy wave, + And dream of delights that I waken to crave. + Farewell, merry hearts! fare ye well, social friends! + Adieu! see the Rover her canvas unbends; + Land of all that is lovely for painting or verse, + Farewell! ere in distance thy beauties disperse, + Now Calshot is passed, now receding from view, + Once more, happy Vectis, a long, last adieu. + +[Illustration: page179] + + + + +PORTSMOUTH IN TIME OF PEACE. + +~180~~ + + Where now are the frolicsome care-killing souls, + With their girls and their fiddlers, their dances and bowls? + Where now are the blue jackets, once on our shore + The promoters of merriment, spending their store? + Where now are our tars in these dull piping times? + Laid up like old hulks, or enlisted in climes + Where the struggle for liberty calls on the brave, + The Peruvians, the Greeks, or Brazilians to save + From the yoke of oppression--there, Britons are found + Dealing death and destruction to tyrants around; + For wherever our tars rear the banner of fame, + They are still the victorious sons of the main. + + A Trip to Portsmouth on board the Medina Steam-Boat--The + Change from War to Peace--Its Consequences--The Portsmouth + Greys--The Man of War's Man--Tom Tackle and his Shipmate-- + Lamentation of a Tar--The Hero Cochrane--An old + Acquaintance--Reminiscences of the past--Sketches of Point- + Street and Gosport Beach--Naval Anecdotes--"A Man's like a + Ship on the Ocean of Life." + +"Bear a hand, old fellow!" said Horace Eglantine one morning, coming +down the companion hatchway of the Rover: "if you have any mind for a +land-cruise, let us make Portsmouth to-day on board the steamer, while +our yacht goes up the harbour to get her copper polished and her rigging +overhauled." In earlier days, while yet the light-heartedness of youth +~181~~and active curiosity excited my boyish spirit, I had visited +Portsmouth, and the recollection of the scenes I then witnessed was +still fresh upon my memory. The olive-branch of peace now waved over +the land of my fathers; and while the internal state of the country, +benefited by its healing balm, flourished, revived, invigorated and +prosperous, Portsmouth and Gosport, and such like sea-ports, were almost +deserted, and the active bustle and variety which but now reigned among +their inhabitants had given way to desolation and abandonment: at +least such was the account I had received from recent visitors. I was, +therefore, anxious from observation to compare the present with the +past; and, with this view, readily met the invitation of my friend +Horace Eglantine. The voyage from Cowes to Portsmouth on board the +steam-boat, performed, as it now is, with certainty, in about an +hour and a half, is a delightful excursion; and the appearance of the +entrance to the harbour from sea, a most picturesque and imposing scene. +The fortifications, which are considered the most complete in the world, +stretching from east to west, on either side command the sea far as the +cannons' power can reach. Nor is the harbour less attractive, flanked on +each side by the towns of Gosport and Portsmouth, and filled with every +description of vessel from the flag-ship of England's immortal hero, +Nelson, which is here moored in the centre, a monument of past glory, +to the small craft of the trader, and the more humble ferry-boat of the +incessant applicant, who plys the passenger with his eternal note of +"Common Hard, your honour." + +One of my companions on board the Medina was an old man of war's man, +whose visage, something of the colour and hardness of dried salmon, +sufficiently indicated that the possessor had weathered many a trying +gale, and was familiar with all the vicissitudes of the mighty deep. +With the habitual roughness of ~182~~his manners was combined a +singular degree of intelligence, and he evinced a disposition to be +communicative, of which I found it very agreeable to avail myself. On +approaching the harbour, my attention was arrested by the sight of a +number of boats rowed by men arrayed in a grotesque uniform of speckled +jackets, whose freights, to judge from appearances, must have been of +no common weight, as the rowers seemed compelled to use a degree of +exertion little inferior to that employed by galley-slaves. I inquired +of my nautical Mentor who these men were, and in what description of +service they were occupied. "Them, master," replied he, releasing +the quid from his mouth, and looking with his weather-eye unutterable +things; "they are the _Portsmouth Greys_." My countenance spoke plainly +enough that this reply had by no means made me _au fait_ to the subject +of my question, and my informant accordingly proceeded--"Shiver my +timbers, mate, they are as rum a set, them boat's crews, as ever pulled +an oar--chaps as the public keeps out of their own pocket for the public +good; and it's been but just a slip, as one may say, between the cup +and the lip, as has saved a good many on 'em from being run up to the +yard-arm. Some on 'em forgot to return things as they _found_ rather too +easy, and some, instead of writing their own name, _by mistake_ wrote +somebody's else's; so government sent 'em here, at its own charge, to +finish their _edication_. You see the _floating academy_ as is kept +a purpose for 'em," said he, pointing to the receiving-hulk for the +convicts at this station, which was lying in the harbour: "them as is +rowing in the boats," added the talkative seaman, "has been a getting +stones, and ballast, and such like, for the repairs of the harbour; they +does all the rough and dirty jobs as is to be done about the works and +place--indeed, we calls 'em the _Port Admiral's skippers_." I now fully +understood the import of the term _Portsmouth Greys_, which had before +been an enigma to ~183~~me; and comprehended that the unhappy beings +before me were of + + The ill-fated children of suff'ring and sin, + With conscience reproaching and sorrow within; + Bosoms that mis'ry and guilt could not sever, + Hearts that were blighted and broken for ever: + Where each, to some vice or vile passion a slave, + Shared the wreck of the mind, and the spirit's young grave. + Whose brief hist'ry of life, ere attain'd to its prime, + Unfolded a volume of madness and crime, + Such as leaves on the forehead of manhood a stain + Which tears over shed seek to blot out in vain; + A stain which as long as existence will last, + Embitt'ring the future with thoughts of the past. + +I might have indulged much longer in these reflections, but my musing +mood was interrupted by the Medina reaching her destination, and we +disembarked safely at Portsmouth Point. + +[Illustration: page184] + +On landing, the worthy veteran, who had, by his confabulation during the +voyage, claimed, in his own opinion, a right of becoming my companion +for a time, a privilege which, in such a scene, and at such a place, it +will easily be believed I was not averse from granting him, proceeded +along with me _carpere iter comites parati_, up Point Street, and at one +of the turnings my friend made a sudden stop. "My eyes!" he exclaimed, +"may I perish, but that is my old messmate, Tom Tackle. Many's the can +of flip we've scuttled while on board the _Leander_ frigate together; +and when we were obliged to part convoy and go on board different ships, +there was above a little matter of brine about both our eyes." At this +moment Tom Tackle came up with us: the warmth of affection with which +his old shipmate had spoken of him had interested me not a little in his +favour, and his mutilated frame spoke volumes in behalf of the gallantry +he had displayed in the service of his country. One eye was entirely +~184~~lost; one coat-sleeve hung armless by his side; and one vanished +leg had its place superseded by a wooden substitute. I gazed upon the +"unfortunate brave" with mingled pity and veneration; yet, so true is +the observation of the ancient, + + "_Res sunt humanae flobilo ludibrium_" + +That is, human feelings and affairs are a singular compound of the +ludicrous and the lamentable, that I could not avoid giving way to my +mercurial disposition, and congratulating my fellow-voyager on the ease +with which he had recognized his old comrade by his present remaining +half. "Lord help your honour!" said he, "a seaman's weather-gauge is +made for squalls--foul weather or fair--in stays or out of trim--sailing +all right before the wind, or coming up under jury-masts; he's no tar +that cannot make out an old friend at a cable's length, and bring to +without waiting for signals of distress. Shiver my timbers, if I should +not know my old messmate here while there's a timber rib left in his +hulk, or a shoulder-boom to hang a blue jacket on. But, my toplights, +Tom!" continued he, "where's all the girls, and the tiddlers, and the +Jews, and bumboat-women that used to crowd all sail to pick up a spare +hand ashore? Not a shark have I seen in the harbour, and all the old +grog-shops with their foul-weather battens up and colours half-mast." +"All in mourning for Mr. Nap, shipmate," said Tom; "we've had no fun +here since they cooped him up on board the Bellerophon, and stowed +him away at St. Helena. All the Jews have cut and run, and all the +bumboat-women retired upon their fortunes; the poor landlords are +most of them in the bilboes at Winchester: and as for a pretty +girl--whew!--not such an article to be had at Point now, either for +love or money: and all this comes of the peace--shiver my odd forelight! +mate, if it lasts much longer, it will be the ruin of the navy. + +~185~~~How I long to hear the sound of the boatswain's whistle once +more! 'Up hammocks, boys--clear the decks, and prepare for action! +'that's the way to live and be merry; then the music of a good broadside +pouring into an enemy's under-works, and cutting her slap in two between +wind and water--that's glory, my christian! May I never taste grog +again, if we are not all ruined by the peace. There's only one fighting +fellow left of the old stock of commanders, and they have turned him +out of the navy lest he should infect the psalm-singers. Look out a-head +there, shipmate; d'ye see that fine frigate, the Peranga, now lying oft' +Spithead, and can you ever forget Basque Roads and the gallant Cochrane? +I just got a glimpse of his figure head t'other morning, coming up +Point here; so I hauled to and threw my shattered hulk slap across his +headway, lowering my top-gallants as I passed round under his bows. +'Officer,' said he, 'you and I should know one another, methinks.' +'Success attend your honour,' said I; 'do you remember your +master-gunner when you captured the Spanish galleon, who carried away +a spar or two in the action?' 'What, Tom Tackier said he: 'Heaven help +thee, lad! I'd give the bounty of a good boat's crew if I could put you +into sailing-trim and commission again; but here, officer, is something +to drink to old acquaintance with, and if you can find your way on board +the Peranga to-morrow, I'll take care they don't throw you over the +ship's side before you have had a skinfull of grog: 'so seizing fast +hold of my single tin with both his grappling-irons, I thought he would +have shook it out of the goose-neck at parting; and when I went on board +next day, he treated me like a port-admiral, and sent me on shore with +every cranny well-filled, from my beef-tub to my grog-bucket, and put +a little more of the right sort o' stuff" in my jacket pockets to pay +harbour dues with. That's the commander for me! And now I hear, after +having taken ~186~~and destroyed all the Spanish king's navy, he's off +to give the Grand Signor a taste of his quality. My forelights! how +I should like to see him with his double rows of grinders wide open, +bearing down upon a whole fleet of Mussulmen--there'd be weeping, and +wailing, and gnashing o' teeth among the Turks! I wouldn't give my +wooden pin for the whole of the Grand Sultan's flotilla. But come, +shipmate, may I never want 'bacca, if we don't drink his health, and +that 'ere gemman you've taken in tow shall join us, if he likes." I +was too much amused to desire to part company just yet, and the +good-humoured tars perceiving my bent, linked themselves to each arm, +and in this way, laughing at the curiosity we provoked, did our party +reach the middle of Point-street, and brought ourselves to anchor +under the head of old Admiral Benbow, where Tom assured us we should +be supplied with the best of grog and ship-stores of the first quality. +Horace had proceeded to escort some ladies, whom he met with on board +the steamboat, to the house of a friend in the High-street, where I +had appointed to meet him in the space of an hour. Sitting myself down +therefore with my two jovial associates, I determined to humour +the frolic which had brought me into the society of such eccentric +characters. "Shiver my timbers! Jem," said the one-legged mariner, "but +you never make any inquiries after Betsy Bluff, among your other old +friends. It's true, the wench has got spliced again, to be sure; but +then, you know, she waited three years, and had the log-books overhauled +first." "Ay, ay, Tom, so they say she did; but I never believed 'em: +howsomedever, that wasn't the worst of it; for having got my will and my +power in her possession, she drew all my pay and prize-money, and when +at last I got home from an enemy's keeping, I had not a shot left in the +locker to keep myself. But the mischief did not end even there, for she +disgraced me, ~187~~and the British flag, by marrying a half-starved +tailor, and setting him up in the Sally port with the money that I had +been fighting the enemies of my country for. May I never get groggy +again, if I couldn't have forgiven her freely if she'd taken some +honest-hearted fellow, like yourself, in tow, who had got disabled in +the service, or consorted with a true man of war's man, all right and +tight; but to go and lash herself alongside of such a crazy land lubber +as this ninth degree of manhood--may I never taste 'bacca again if +Bet's conduct is bearable! She's no wife of mine, Tom; and when I go to +pieces, a wreck in this world, may I be bolted into old Belzy's caboose +if she shall be a copper fastening the better for Jem Buntline!" During +the recital of this story the countenance of the old tar assumed a fiery +glow of honest indignation, and when he had finished the tale, his fore +lights gave evident signs that his heart had been long beating about +in stormy restlessness at the remembrance of his wife's unfaithfulness. +"Cheer up, messmate," said Tom; "I see how the land lies. Come, fill +your pipe, and I'll sing you the old stave I used to chant on Saturday +nights, when we messed together on board the Leander. + + A man's like a ship on the ocean of life, + The sport both of fair and foul weather, + Where storms of misfortune, and quicksands of strife, + And clouds of adversity gather. + If he steers by the compass of honour, he'll find, + No matter what latitude meets him, + A welcome in every port to his mind, + And a friend ever ready to greet him. + If love takes the helm in an amorous gale, + Of the rocks of deception beware, + Steer fairly for port, and let reason prevail, + And you're thus sure to conquer the fair. + For the Bay of Deceit keep a steady look out, + Steer clear of the shoals of distress, + +~188~~ + + Yet ever be ready to tack and about + When the black waves of misery press. + Like a vessel, digest out in all colours, d'ye see, + Are the virtues and vices of life: + Blue and red are the symbols of friendship and glee, + White and black of ill-humour and strife. + True worth, like true honour, is born of no clime, + But known by true courage and feeling, + Where power and pity in unison chime, + And the heart is above double dealing." + +[Illustration: page189] + +"Ay, Tom, now you're on the right tack--a good song, and a jovial +friend, and let the marines blubber about love and lullaby, it'll never +do for the sailors. As we are overhauling old friends, do you remember +Charley Capstan, the coxswain's mate of the Leander V "Shiver my +timbers, but I do; and a bit of tough yarn he was, too: hard as old junk +without, and soft as captain's coop meat within. Wasn't I one of the +crew that convoyed him up this very street when returning from a cruise +off the Straits, we heard that Charley's old uncle had slipt his cable, +and left him cash enough to buy out and build a ship of his own? That +was a gala, messmate! There was Charley, a little fat porpoise, as +round as a nine-pounder, mounted on an eighteen gallon cask of the +real Jamaica, lashed to a couple of oars, and riding astride, on his +messmates' shoulders, up to the Point. Then such a jolly boat's crew +attended him, rigged out with bran new slops, and shiners on their +topmasts, with the Leander painted in front, and half a dozen fiddlers +scraping away 'Jack's alive,' and all the girls decked out in their +dancing dresses, with streamers flying about their top-gallants, and +loose nettings over their breastworks--that was a gala, messmate! And +didn't Charley treat all Point to the play that night, and engage the +whole of the gallery cabin for his own friends' accommodation; and when +the reefers in the hold turned saucy, didn't you and two or three more +~189~~drop down upon 'em, and having shook the wind out of their sails, +run up the main haliards again, without working round by the gangway?" +"Right, Tom, right; and don't you remember the illumination, when we +stuck up ten pound of lighted candles round the rim of the gallery +before the play began, and when Jane Shore was in the midst of her +grief, Charley gave the signal, and away they went, like a file of +marines from a double broadside, right and left, tumbling about the ears +of the reefers and land lubbers in the chicken coops below? Those were +the days of glory, messmate, when old Jack Junk, who had never seen a +play before, took it all for right down arnest matter o' fact; and when +poor Mrs. Shore came to ask charity of that false-hearted friend of +hers, what was jealous of her, and fell down at the door, overcome +by grief and hunger, poor Jack couldn't stand it no longer; so after +suffering the brine to burst through the floodgates of his heart, till +he was as blind as our chaplain to sin, he jumped up all at once, and +made for the offing, blubbering as he went, 'May I be blistered, if +ever I come to see such cruel stuff as this again!' Then didn't Stephen +Collins, and Kelly, and Maxfield, the three managers, come upon deck, +and drink success to the Leander's crew, out of a bucket of grog we had +up for the purpose, and the ould mare of Portsmouth sent his compliments +to us, begging us not to break our own necks or set fire to the +playhouse? Another glass, Jem, to the crew of the Leander: don't you +remember the ducking ould Mother Macguire, the bum-boat woman, received, +for bringing paw-paw articles on board, when we came in to refit?" "May +I never want 'bacca, if I shall ever forget that old she crocodile! +Wasn't it her that brought that sea-dragon, Bet Bluff, on board, and +persuaded me to be spliced to her? shiver her timbers for it!" "Avast +there! messmate," said Tom: "when you ~190~~can't skuttle an enemy, it's +best to sail right away from her hulk before she blows up and disables +her conqueror. May I never get groggy, if I shall ever forget the +joke between you and the old Sheenie, when you threatened to throw him +overboard for selling you a dumb time-keeper. 'Blesh ma heart,' said the +Jew, while his under works shook like a cutter's foresail going about, +'how could you expect de vatch to go well, ven de ship vas all +in confushion?' an excuse that saved him from sailing ashore in a +skuttle-bucket." "Have you weathered Gosport lately?" inquired Jem: +"there used to be a little matter of joviality going forward there upon +the beach in war time, but I suppose it's all calm enough now." "All +ruined by the peace; and all that glorious collection of the kings and +queens of England, and her admirals and heroes, which used to swing to +and fro in the wind, when every house upon the beach was a grog-shop, +are past, vanished, or hanging like pirates in tatters; the sound of a +fiddle never reaches their ears; and the parlour-floors, where we used +to dance and sing till all was blue, are now as smooth and as clean as +the decks of Lord Nelson's flag ship, the Victory, which lies moored in +our harbour, like a Greenwich pensioner, anchored in quiet, to drop to +pieces with old age. You may fire a nine-pounder up the principal street +at noon-day now and not hurt any body; and if the peace lasts much +longer, horses may graze in their roads, and persons receive pensions +for inhabiting the vacant houses." The period within which I had +promised to join Horace Eglantine had now elapsed. It was no easy task +to separate myself from my nautical friends, and the amusement they had +afforded me demanded some acknowledgment in return; calling, therefore, +for a full bowl of punch, we drank success to the British navy, toasted +wives and sweethearts, honoured our gracious king, shook ~191~~hands at +parting, like old friends, and having promised to renew my acquaintance +before I left Portsmouth, I bade adieu to jolly Jem Buntline and what +remained of his noble messmate, the lion-hearted Tom Tackle. + +[Illustration: page 191] + + + + +EVENING, AND IN HIGH SPIRITS. + +A SCENE AT LONG'S HOTEL. + +~192~~ + + Sketches of Character--Fashionable Notorieties--Modern + Philosophy--The Man of Genius and the Buck--"A short Life + and a merry one "--A Short Essay on--John Longs--Long Corks + --Long Bills--Long Credits--Long-winded Customers--The + Ancients and the Moderns, a Contrast by Old Crony. + + Ye bucks who in manners, dress, fashion, and shiny, + So often have hail'd me as lord of your gang-- + "O lend me your ears!" whilst I deign to relate + The cause of my splendour, the way to be great; + My own chequered life condescend to unfold, + And give a receipt of more value than gold; + Reveal t' ye the spot where the graces all dwell, + And point out the path like myself to excel. + --Pursuits of Fashion. + +Only contrive to obtain the character of an eccentric, and you may ride +the _free horse_ round the circle of your acquaintance for the remainder +of your life. If my readers are not by this time fully satisfied of my +peculiar claims to the appellation of an _oddity_, I have no hopes of +obtaining pardon for the past whims and fancies of a volatile muse, +or anticipating patronage for the future wanderings of a restless +and inquisitive humorist. But my bookseller, a steady, persevering, +inflexible sort of personage, whose habits of business are as rigid as a +citizen of the last century, or a puritan of the Cromwell commonwealth, +has lately suffered the marble muscles of his frigid countenance to +unbend with a sort of mechanical ~193~~inclination to an expression +of--what shall I say--lib--lib--liberality; no, no, that will never +do for a bookseller--graciousness--ay, that's a better phrase for the +purpose; more characteristic of his manner, and more congenial to my +own feelings. Well, to be plain then, whenever a young author can pass +through an interview with the headman of the firm without hearing any +thing in the shape of melancholy musings, serious disappointments, +large numbers on hand, doubtful speculation, and such like pleasant +innuendoes, he may rest satisfied that his book is selling well, and +his publisher realizing a fair proportion of profit for his adventurous +spirit. I am just now enjoying that pleasant gratification, the +reflection of having added to my own comforts without having detracted +from the happiness of others. In short, my scheme improves with every +fresh essay, and my friend Bob Transit, who has just joined me in +a bottle of iced claret at Long's, has been for some minutes busily +engaged in booking mine host and his exhibits; while I, under pretence +of writing a letter, have been penning this introduction to a chapter on +fashion and its follies, annexing thereunto a few notes of characters, +that may serve to illustrate that resort of all that is exquisite and +superlative in the annals of high ton. "Evening, and in High Spirits," +--a scene worthy of the acknowledged talent of the artist, and full of +fearful and instructive narrative for the pen of the English Spy. Seated +snugly in one corner of Long's new and splendid coffee-room, we had +resolved on our entering to depart early; but the society we had +the good fortune to be afterwards associated with might have tempted +stronger heads than those of either Bob Transit the artist, or Bernard +Blackmantle the moralist. + +[Illustration: page193] + +"Waiter, bring another bottle of iced claret, and tell Long to book +it to the king's lieutenant." "By the honour of my ancestry," said the +Honourable Lillyman Lionise, "but I am devilishly cut already." + +~194~~"You do well, mighty well, sir, to swear by the honour of your +ancestors; for very few of your modern stars have a ray of that same +meteoric light to illumine their own milky way." + +"That flash of your wit, lieutenant, comes upon one like the electric +shock of an intended insult, and I must expect you will apologize." + +"Then I fear, young valiant, you will die of the disease that has killed +more brave men than the last twenty years' war." + +"And what is that, sir, may I ask?" + +"Expectation, my jewel! I've breakfasted, dined, supped, and slept upon +it for the last half century, and am not one step higher in the army +list yet." + +"But, lieutenant, let me observe that--that--" + +"That we are both pretty nigh bosky, and should not therefore be too +fastidious in our jokes over the bottle." + +Enter Waiter. "The claret, gentlemen. Mr. Long's compliments, and he +requests permission to assure you that it is some of the late Duke of +Queensberry's choice stock, marked A one." + +"Which signifies, according to Long's edition of Cocker, that we must +pay double for the liqueur. Come, Lionise, fill a bumper; and let us +tails of the lion toast our caput, the sovereign, the first corinthian +of his day, and the most polished prince in the world." + +"Tiger, Tiger,"{1} ejaculated a soft voice in the adjoining box; "ask +Tom who the trumps are in the next stall, and if they are known here, +tell them the Honourable Thomas Optimus fills a bumper to their last +toast." + + 1 Since the death of the Earl of Barrymore, Tom has + succeeded to the "vacant chair" at Long's; nor is the Tiger + Mercury the only point in which he closely resembles his + great prototype. + +~196~~A smart, clever-looking boy of about fifteen years of age darted +forward to execute the honourable's commands; when having received the +requisite information from the waiter, he approached the lieutenant and +his friend, and with great politeness, but no lack of confidence, made +the wishes of his master known to the _bon vivants_; the consequence +was, an immediate interchange of civilities, which brought the +honourable into close contact with his merry neighbours; and the result, +a unanimous resolution to make a night of it. + +At this moment our _tete-a-tete_ was interrupted by the appearance of +old Crony, who, stanch as a well-trained pointer to the scent of +game, had tracked me hither from my lodgings; from him I learned +the lieutenant was a fellow of infinite jest and sterling worth; a +descendant of the O'Farellans of Tipperary, whose ancestry claimed +precedence of King Bryan Baroch; a specimen of the antique in his +composition, robust, gigantic, and courageous; time and intestine +troubles had impaired the fortunes of his house, but the family +character remained untainted amid the conflicting revolutions that had +convulsed the emerald isle. Enough, however, was left to render the +lieutenant independent of his military expectations: he had joined the +army when young; seen service and the world in many climates; but the +natural uncompromising spirit which distinguished him, partaking perhaps +something too much of the pride of ancestry, had hitherto prevented his +soliciting the promotion he was fairly entitled to. Like a majority of +his countrymen, he was cold and sententious as a Laplander when sober, +and warm and volatile as a Frenchman when in his cups; half a dozen +duels had been the natural consequence of an equal number of intrigues; +but although the scars of honour had seared his manly countenance, his +heart and person were yet devoted to the service of the ladies. Fame had +trumpeted forth his prowess in the wars of ~196~~Venus, until notoriety +had marked him out an object of general remark, and the king's +lieutenant was as proud of the myrtle-wreath as the hero of Waterloo +might be of the laurel crown. + +But see, the door opens; how perfumed, what style! Long bows to the +earth. What an exquisite smile! Such a coffee-house visitor banishes +pain: While Optimus rising, cries "Welcome, Joe Hayne! May you never +want cash, boy--here, waiter, a glass; Lieutenant, you'll join us in +toasting a lass. I'll give you an actress--Maria the fair." "I'll drink +her; but, Tom, you have ruined me there. By my hopes! I am blown, cut, +floor'd, and rejected, At the critical moment, sirs, when I expected +To revel in bliss. But, here's white-headed Bob, My prime minister; he +shall unravel the job. And if Jackson determines you've not acted well, +I'll mill you, Tom Optimus, though you're a swell." "Sit down, Joe; be +jolly--'twas Carter alone That has every obstacle in your way thrown. +Nay, never despair, man--you'll yet be her liege; But rally again, boy, +you'll carry the siege." Thus quieted, Joe sat him down to get mellow; +For Joe at the bottom's a hearty good fellow. + +"Have you heard the report," said Optimus, "that Harborough is actually +about to follow your example, and marry an actress? ay, and his old +flame, Mrs. Stonyhewer, is ready to die of love and a broken heart in +consequence." + +"Just as true, my jewel, as that I shall be gazetted field-marshal; or +that you, Mr. Optimus, will be accused of faithfulness to Lady Emily. +Our young friend here, the rich commoner, has given currency to such +a variety of common reports, that the false jade grows bold enough to +beard us in our very teeth." + +"Why, zounds! lieutenant," said Lionise, "how very sentimental you are +becoming." + +"It's a way of mine, jewel, to appear singular in some sort of society." + +~197~~"And satirical in all, I'll vouch for you, lieutenant;" said +Optimus. + +"By Jasus, you've hit it! if truth be satire, it's a language I love, +although it's not very savoury to some palates." + +"Will the duke marry the banker's widow, Joel that's the grand question +at Tattersall's, now your match with Maria's off, and Earl Rivers's +greyhounds are disposed of. Only give me the office, boy, in that +particular, and I'll give you a company to-morrow, if money will +purchase one; and realize a handsome fortune by betting on the event." + +"Then I'll bet Cox and Greenwood's cash account against the +commander-in-chief's, that the widow marries a Beau-clerc, becomes in +due time Duchess of St. Alban's, and dies without issue, leaving her +immense property as a charitable bequest to enrich a poor dukedom; and +thus, having in earlier life degraded one part of the peerage, make +amends to the Butes, the Guildfords, and the Burdetts, by a last +redeeming act to another branch of the aristocracy." + +"At it again, lieutenant; firing ricochet shot, and knocking down duck +and drake at the same time." + +"Sure, that has been the great amusement of my life; in battle and +abroad I have contrived to knock down my share of the male enemies of my +country; in peace and at home I've a mighty pleasant knack of winging a +few female bush fighters." + +"But the widow, my dear fellow, is now a woman of high {2} character; +has not the moral Marquis of Hertford undertaken to remove all ------and +disabilities? and did he not introduce the lady to the fashionable world +at his own hotel, the Piccadilly (peccadillo) Guildhall? Was not the +fete at Holly Grove attended by H.R.H. the Duke of York, and Mrs. C--y, +and all the virtuous portion of our nobility? and has she not since been +admitted to the parties at the Duke of "Query--did Mr. Optimus mean +_high_ as game is _high_? + +~198~~Devonshire's, and what is still more wonderful, been permitted to +appear at court, and since, in the royal presence, piously introduced to +the whole bench of Bishops?" + +"By Jasus, that's true; and I beg belle Harriette's pardon. But, I well +remember, I commanded the cityguard in the old corn-market, Dublin, on +the very night her reputed father, jolly Jack Kinnear, as the rebels +called him, contrived to wish us good morning very suddenly, and took +himself off to the sate of government." + +I shall be obliged to entertain the world with a few of her +eccentricities some day or other; the ghost of poor Ralph Wewitzer cries +loudly for revenge. The sapient police knight, when he _secured the box +of letters_ for his patroness, little suspected that they had all been +_previously copied_ by lieutenant Terence O'Farellan of the king's own. +A mighty inquisitive sort of a personage, who will try his art to do her +justice, spite of "leather or prunella." + +The party was at this moment increased by the arrival of Lord William, +on whose friendly arm reposed the Berkley Adonis--"_par nobile +fratrum_." + +"Give me leave, lieutenant," said his lordship, "to introduce my friend +the colonel." "And give me leave," whispered Optimus, "to withdraw my +friend Hayne, for 'two suns shine not in the same hemisphere.'" + +"The man that makes a move in the direction of the door makes me +his enemy," said the lieutenant, loudly. And the whole party were +immediately seated. + +Hitherto, my friend Crony and myself had been too pleasantly occupied +with the whim, wit, and anecdote of the lieutenant, to pay much +attention to the individuality of character that surrounded the festive +board; but, having now entered upon our second bottle, the humorist +commenced his satirical sketches.-- + +"Holding forth to the gaze of this fortunate time The extremes of the +beautiful and the sublime." + +~199~~"Suppose I commence with the pea-green count," said Crony. "I know +the boy's ambition is notoriety; and an artist who means to rise in +his profession should always aim at painting first-rate portraits, +well-known characters; because they are sure to excite public inquiry, +thus extending the artist's fame, and securing the good opinion of his +patrons by the gratification of their unlimited vanity. The sketch too +may be otherwise serviceable to the rising generation; the Mr. Greens +and Newcomes of the world of fashion, if they would avoid the sharks who +infest the waters of pleasure, and are always on the anxious _look-up_ +for a nibble at a new 'come out.' + +"The young exquisite's connexion with the fancy, or rather with the +lowest branch of that illustrious body, the bruising fraternity and +their boon companions, had been, though not an avowed, a real source +of jealousy to many of his dear bosom friends at Long's hotel, from the +moment of the count's making his _debut_, + + '_Imberbis juvenis, tandem custode remote_,' + +into the fashionable world. That he would be ultimately floored by his +milling _proteges_ it did not require the sagacity of a conjurer to +foresee; nor was it likely that the term of such a catastrophe would +be so tediously delayed, as to subject any one who might be eager to +witness its arrival to that sickness of the heart which arises from hope +deferred. But this process for scooping out the Silver (or Foote) Ball, +as he has since been designated, by no means suited the ideas of the +worthies before alluded to. The learned Scriblerus makes mention of +certain _doctors_,{3} frequently seen at White's in his day, of a modest +and upright appearance, with no air of overbearing, and habited like +true masters of arts in black and white only. They were justly styled, +says the above high authority, + + 3 A cant phrase for dice, + +~200~~subtiles and graves, but not always irrefragabiles, being +sometimes examined and, by a nice distinction, divided and laid open. +The descendants of these doctors still exist, and have not degenerated, +either in their numbers or their merits, from their predecessors. They +take up their principal residence in some well-known mansions about the +neighbourhood of the court, and many of the gentlemen who honoured the +count with their especial notice on his _entree_ into public life are +understood to be familiarly acquainted with them. Now could they have +only instilled into the young gentleman a wish to be introduced to these +doctors, or once prevailed upon him to take them in hand for the +purpose of deciding what might be depending upon the result of the +investigation; nay, could they even have spurred him on to an exhibition +of his tactics, in manoeuvring + + 'Those party-colour'd troops, a shining train, + Drawn forth to combat on the velvet plain;' + +they could have so delightfully abridged the task which to their +impatient eyes appeared to be much too slow in executing, could +have spared their dear friend so much unnecessary time and labour in +disencumbering himself of the superfluity of worldly dross which had +fallen to his share. A little _cogging, sleeving, and palming_; nay, a +mere spindle judiciously planted, or a few long ones introduced on the +weaving system, could have effected in one evening what fifty milling +matches, considering the 'glorious uncertainty' attaching to pugilistic +as well as legal contests, might fail to accomplish. By this method, +too, the person in whom they kindly took so strong an interest would, +even when he had lost every thing, have escaped the imputation of having +dissipated his property. It would have been comfortably distributed +in respectable dividends among a few gentlemen of acknowledged talent, +instead of floating in air like the leaves of the + +~201~~Sibyl, and alighting in various parts of the inner and outer +ring; now depositing a few cool hundreds in the pockets of a sporting +Priestley bookseller, or the brother of a Westminster Abbott; now +contributing a small modicum to brighten the humbler speculations of the +Dean-street casemen, or the Battersea gardener. + +"But to this conclusion Horatio would not come. He was good for backing +and betting on pugilists, but on the turf he would do little, and at the +tables nothing. His zealous friends had therefore no chance in the way +they would have liked best; but being men of the world, and knowing, +like Gay's bear, that + + 'There might be picking + Ev'n in the carving of a chicken,' + +they did not disdain to make the most in their power by watching the +motions of his hobby, and if this was not a sufficient prize to furnish +much cause for exultation, it was at least one that it would have been +unwise to reject. + +"A contemporary writer has exerted to the utmost the very little talent +he possesses to represent the peagreen's uniform resistance to all the +temptations of cards and dice, as a proof of his possessing a strength +of mind and decision of character rarely found in young men of his +fortune and time of life. In the elegant language of this apologist, the +count, by this prudent abstinence, 'has shown himself not half so green +as some supposed, and the sharps, and those who have tried on the +grand mace with him, have discovered that he was no flat.' How far this +negative eulogium may be gratifying to the feelings of the individual +on whom it is bestowed, I will not say; in my character of English Spy +I have been under the necessity of carefully observing this fortunate +youth, _depuis que la rose venait d'eclore_, in other words, from the +time that he became, or rather might ~202~~have become, his own master; +and I should certainly not attribute his refraining from the tables to +any superior strength of mind: indeed, it would be singular if such a +characteristic belonged to a man whose own hired advocate could only +vindicate his client's heart at the expense of his head. Pope tells us, +that to form a just estimate of any one's character, we must study +his ruling passion; and by adopting this rule, we shall soon obtain +a satisfactory clew both to the exquisite count's penchant for the +prize-ring, and his aversion to the _hells_. Some persons exhibit +an inexplicable union of avarice and extravagance, of parsimony and +prodigality--something of this kind is observable in the gentleman in +question. But self predominates with him in all; and being joined to +rather alow species of vanity, and a strong inclination to be what is +vulgarly called _cock of the walk_, it has uniformly displayed itself in +an insatiate thirst for notoriety. Now pugilists, from the very nature +of their profession, must be public characters; while the gamester, to +the utmost of his power, does what he does 'by stealth, and blushes to +find it fame.' To be the patron of some noted bruiser, to bear him to +the field of action in your travelling barouche, accompanied by Tom Crib +the XX champion, Tom Spring the X champion, Jack Langan and Tom Cannon +the would-be champions, and Lily White Richmond, is sure to make your +name as notorious, though perhaps not much more reputable, than those +of your associates; but the man who, like 'the youth that fired the +Ephesian dome,' aims at celebrity alone, in frequenting the purlieus +of the gaming-house only 'wastes his sweetness on the desert air.' +Moreover, the members of the Ebony Clubs being compelled to assume the +appearance, and adopt the manners, insensibly imbibe too much of the +feelings of gentlemen, to be likely to pay, to the most passive _pigeon_ +that ever submitted to _rooking_, the cap in hand homage rendered by a +~203~~practitioner within the pins and binders of the prize-ring to the +swell who takes five pounds worth of benefit tickets, or stands a fifty +in the stakes for a milling match. + +"These motives seem to me sufficient to have prompted the count's +predominating attachment to the prize-ring and its heroes, which, +however, having as I have before remarked, been viewed with no +favourable eye by some of his comrades, his recent ill-luck at Warwick +could hardly be expected to escape the jests and sarcasms of his bottle +companions." + +"'Fore God," said Optimus, "this backing of your man against the black +diamond has been but a bad spec. Out heavyish I suppose, ay, Joe?" + +Count. Why, a stiffish bout, I must confess; and what's more, I'm not by +any means without my suspicions about the correctness of the thing. + +Optimus. What, cross and jostle work again? a second edition of Virginia +Water? But I thought you felt assured that Cannon would not do wrong for +the wealth of Windsor Castle? + +Count. True, I did feel so, and others confirmed me in my assurance, +but I believe I was wofully mistaken; and curse me if I don't think they +were all in the concern of doing me. + +Optimus. Was not there a floating report about the bargeman receiving a +thousand to throw it over? + +Count. Something of the sort; but 1 don't believe it. Two bills for +five hundred, but so drawn that they could not be negotiated. I shall +certainly, said the count, give notice to the stake-holders not to give +up the battle-money for the present. + +Optimus. Pshaw! that will never do. A thing of that nature must be done +at the time. Besides, Cannon stood two hundred in his own money, and +says he will freely pay his losses. + +Count. A pretty do that, when he had a cheque ~204~~of mine for the sum +he put down. But I've stopped payment of that at my banker's. + +Optimus. And will as surely be obliged to revoke that order, as well as +to give up disputing the stakes. No, no, Joe; get out of the business +now as you can, and cut it. I always thought and told you, that I +thought your man had no chance. But his going to fight so out of +condition, in a contest where all his physical powers were necessary, +does look as if you had been put in for a piece of ready made luck. But +what could you expect? Can any good thing come out of Nazareth? That a +gentleman can patronize such fellows! + +Count. I am still of opinion that the spirit of national courage is much +promoted-------- + +Optimus. Spirit of a fiddle-stick! Nonsense, man; that card will win +no trick now. You, like others might have thought so once; but you have +seen enough by this time to know that the system is on altogether a +different tack; that its stanchest upholders and admirers are bullies, +sharpers, pickpockets, pothouse keepers, coachmen, fradulent bankrupts, +the Jon Bee's and big B's, and all the lowest B's of society in station +and character, whose only merit, if such it can be called, is the open +disclaiming of any thing like honour or principle. And after having been +a patron of such a set of wretches, you will end by becoming, according +to circumstances, the object of their vulgar abuse, or the butt of their +coarse ridicule. + +"The latter, I understand,"said Lord William, "is pretty much the case +already. A friend of mine was telling me, that one of the precious +brotherhood, on hearing that Joe meant to dispute his bets, asked what +better could be expected from a Foote-mam out of place?" + +"No more of that, Hal, if thou lovest him," exclaimed Optimus, who +immediately perceived, by his ~205~~countenance, that the last hit +had been too hard. Much more has been said upon this affair than it is +worth. Let us change the subject. + +"By my conscience," exclaimed the lieutenant, "and here's an excellent +episode to wind up the drama with, headed, 'The Foote Ball's farewell +to the Ring:' I'll read it you, with permission, and afterwards, +colonel, you shall have a copy of it for next Sunday's 'Age;' it will +save the magnanimous little B., your accommodating editor, or his locum +tenens, the fat Gent, the trouble of straining their own weak noddles to +produce any more soft attempts at the scandalous and the sarcastic. + +"By the honour of my ancestry," rejoined the Gloucestershire colonel, +"do you take me for a reporter to the paper in question?" + +"Why not?" said the lieutenant, coolly: "if you are not a reporter and +a supporter too, my gallant friend, by the powers of Poll Kelly but you +are the most ill-used man in his majesty's dominions!" + +"Sir, I stand upon my honour," said the colonel, petulantly. + +"By the powers, you may, and very easily too," whispered O'Farellan, +in a side speech to his left hand companion; "for it has been trodden +under Foote by others these many months. To be plain with you, +colonel, there are certain big whispers abroad, that you and your noble +associate, the amiable yonder, with that beautiful obliquity of vision, +which is said to have pierced the heart of a northern syren, are the +joint Telegraphs of the Age. Sure no man in his senses can suspect +Messieurs the Conducteurs of knowing any thing of what passes in +polished life, or think-- + +"Ah, my dear Wewitzer," said Belle Harriet, now Mrs. Goutts, speaking to +the late comedian, of some female friend, "she has an eye! an eye, that +would pierce through a deal board." "By heavens," said Wewitzer, "that +must be then a gimhlet eye." ~206~~of charging them with any personal +knowledge of the amusing incidents they pretend to relate, beyond +a certain little wanton's green room _on dits_, or the chaste +conversations of the blushless naiads who sport and frolic in the +Cytherian mysteries which are nightly performed in the dark groves of +Vauxhall. Take a word of advice from an old soldier, colonel: It is +worse than leading a forlorn hope to attempt to storm a garrison single +handed; club secrets must be protected by club laws, for 'tis an old +Eton maxim, that tales told out of school generally bring the relater to +the block. But my friend Stanhope will no doubt explain this matter with +a much better grace when he comes in contact with the tale-bearer." + +"Hem," instinctively ejaculated Horace C-----t, the once elegant Apollo +of Hyde Park, "thereby hangs a tale; 'tis a vile Age, and the sooner +we forget it, the better--I am for love and peace." "i.e. a piece" +responded the lieutenant. Horace smiled, and continued, "Come, Tom +Duncombe, I'll give our mutual favourite, the female Giovanni. Lads, +fill your glasses; we toast a deity, and one, too, who has equal claims +upon most of us for the everlasting favours she has conferred." + +"'Fore Gad, lieutenant," simpered out Lord William, squaring himself +round to resume the conversation with the veteran, "if you do not +mind your hits, we must positively cut. My friend, the colonel, will +certainly set his blacks{5} upon you, and I shall be obliged to speak +to little magnanimous, the ex-Brummagem director, to strike off a +counterfeit impression of you in his scandalous Sunday chronicle, 'pon +honour, I must." + + 5 A very curious tradition is connected with a certain + castle near Gloucester, which foretells, that the family + name shall be extinct when the race of the blacks* cease to + be peculiar to the family; a prophecy that I think not very + likely to be fulfilled, judging by the conduct of the + present race of representatives. + + * A species of Danish blood-hound, whose portraits and names + are carved in the oaken cornice of one of the castle + chambers. + +~207~~"The divil a care," said the lieutenant, laughingly; "to arms with +you, my lord William; my fire engine will soon damp the ardour of little +magnanimous, and an extra dose of Tom Bish's compounds put his friend, +the fat Gent, where his readers have long been, in sweet somniferous +repose. But zounds, gentlemen, I am forgetting the count, whose pardon I +crave, for bestowing my attention on minor constellations while indulged +with the overpowering brilliancy of his meteoric presence." + +"The 'Farewell to the Ring,'" vociferated the count. "Come, lieutenant, +give us the episode: I long to hear all my misfortunes strung together +in rhyme." + +"By the powers, you shall have it, then; and a true history it is, as +ever was said or sung in church, chapel, or conventicle, with only one +little exception--by the free use of poetic license, the satirist has +fixed his hero in a very embarrassing situation--just locked him up at +Radford's steel Hotel in Carey Street, Chancery Lane, coning over a long +bill of John Long's, and a still longer one of the lawyers, with a sort +of codicil, by way of refresher, of the house charges, and a smoking +detainer tacked on to its tail, by Hookah Hudson, long enough to put any +gentleman's pipe out. + +[Illustration: page207] + +There's the argument, programme, or fable. Now for the characters; they +are all drawn from the life by the English Spy (see plate), under the +amusing title of 'Morning, and in Low Spirits, a scene in a Lock-up +House;' a very appropriate spot for a lament to the past, and + + "'Tis past, and the sun of my glory is set. + How changed in my case is the fortune of war! + With no money to back, and no credit to bet, + No more in the Fancy I shine forth a star. + +~208~~ + + "Accursed be the day when my bargeman I brought + To fight with Jos. Hudson!--the thought is a sting. + I sighing exclaim, by experience taught, + Farewell to Tom Cannon, farewell to the ring! + + "By the Blackwater vict'ry made drunk with success, + Endless visions of milling enchanted my nob; + I thought my luck in: so I could do no less + Than match 'gainst the Streatham my White-headed Bob. + + "I've some reason to think that there, too, I was done; + For it oft has been hinted that battle was cross'd: + But I well know that all which at Yately I won, + With a thousand _en outre_ at Bagshot I lost. + + "At Warwick a turn in my favour again + Appear'd, and my crest I anew rear'd with pride; + Hudson's efforts to conquer my bargeman were vain, + I took the _long odds_, and I floor'd _the flash side_. + + "But with training, and treating, and sparring, and paying + For all through the nose, as most do in beginning + Their fancy career, I am borne out in saying, + I was quite out of pocket in spite of my winning. + + "So when Bob fought old George, being shortish of money, + And bearing in mem'ry the Bagshot affair, + In my former pal's stakes I stood only _a pony_, + (Which was never return'd, so I'm done again there). + + "To be perfectly safe, on the old one I betted; + For the knowing ones told me the thing was made right: + If it had been, a good bit of blunt I'd have netted; + But a double X spoilt it, and Bob won the fight. + +~209~~ + + "But the famed stage of Warwick, and Ward, were before me-- + I look'd at Tom Cannon, and thought of the past; + I was sure he must win, and that wealth would show'r o'er me, + So, like Richard, I set all my hopes on a cast; + + "And the die was soon thrown, and my luck did not alter-- + I was floor'd at all points, and my hopes were a hum; + I'm at Tattersall's all but believed a defaulter, + And here, in a spunging house, shut by a bum. + + "'Mid the lads of the fancy I needs must aspire + To be quite _au fait_; and I have scarcely seen + Of mills half a score, ere I'm fore'd to retire-- + O thou greenest among all the green ones, Pea Green! + + "And what have I gain'd, but the queer reputation + Of a whimsical dandy, half foolish, half flash? + To bruisers and sharpers, in high and low station, + A poor easy dupe, till deprived of my cash. + + "All you who would enter the circle I've quitted, + Reflect on my fate, and think what you're about: + By brib'ry betray'd, or by cunning outwitted, + In the Fancy each novice is quickly clean'd out. + + "For me it has lost its attractions and lustre; + The thing's done with me, and I've done with the thing: + The blunt for my bets I must manage to muster, + Then farewell to Tom Cannon, farewell to the ring!" + + +The reading of this morceau produced, as might have been expected, +considerable merriment on the ~210~~one hand, and some little discussion +upon the other; the angry feelings of the commander in chief and his +pals overbalancing the mirthful by their solemnly protesting against the +exposure of the secrets of the prison house, which, in this instance, +they contended, were violently distorted by some enemy to the modern +accomplishment of pugilism. In a few moments all was chaos, and the +stormy confusion of tongues, prophetk: of the affair ending in a grand +display and milling catastrophe; the apprehensions of which induced John +Long, and John Long's man, to be on the alert in removing the service, +_en suite_, of superb cut glass, which had given an additional lustre to +the splendour of the dessert. The arrival of other characters, and the +good humour of the count, joined to a plentiful supply of soda water and +iced punch, had, however, the effect of cooling the malcontents, who had +no sooner recovered their wonted hilarity, than old Crony proceeded +to particularize, by a comparison of the past with the present, +interspersing his remarks with anecdotes of the surrounding group. +"These are your modern men of fashion," said Crony; "and the specimen +you have this day had of their conduct and pursuits an authority you may +safely quote as one generally characteristic. + +'To support this new fashion in circles of _ton_. New habits, new +thoughts, must of course be put on; Taste, feeling, and friendship, laid +by on the shelf, And nothing or worshipp'd, or thought of, but--self.' + +[Illustration: page210] + +"It was not thus in the days of our ancestors: the farther we look back, +the purer honour was. In the days of chivalry, a love promise was a law; +the braver the knight, the truer in love: then, too, religion, delicacy, +sentiment, romantic passion, disinterested friendship, loyalty to king, +love of country, a thirst for fame, bravery, nay, heroism, characterized +~211~~the age, the nation, the noble, the knight, and esquire. Mercy! +what 'squires we have now-a-days! At a more recent date, all was +courtliness, feeling, high sentiment, proud and lofty bearing, +principle, the word inviolable, politeness at its highest pitch of +refinement: lovers perished to defend their ladies' honour; now they +live to sully it: the nobility and the people were distinct in dress +and address; but, above all, amenity and good-breeding marked the +distinction, and the line was unbroken. Now, dress is all confusion, +address far below par, amenity is a dead letter, and as to breeding, it +is confined to the breeding of horses and dogs, except when law steps in +to encourage the breeding of disputes; not to mention the evils arising +from crossing the old breed; nor can we much wonder at it, when we +reflect on the altered way of life, the change of habits, and the +declension of virtue, arising from these very causes. + + 'Each hopeful hero now essays to start + To spoil the intellect, destroy the heart, + To render useless all kind Nature gave, + And live the dupe of ev'ry well dress'd knave; + To herd with gamblers, be a blackleg king, + And shine the monarch of the betting ring.' + +"Men of family and fashion, in those golden days, passed their time in +courts, in dancing-rooms, and at clubs composed of the very cream of +birth and elegance. You heard occasionally of Lord Such-a-one being +killed in a duel, or of the baronet or esquire dying from cold caught +at a splendid _fete_, or by going lightly clad to his magnificent +vis-a-vis, after a select masquerade; but you never read his death in a +newspaper from a catarrh caught in the watch-house, from & fistic fight, +or in a row at a hell--things now not astonishing, since even men with a +title and a name of rank pass their time in the stable, at common +hells, at the Fives-court--the hall of infamy; in the watch-house, the +justice-room, and make the finish in ~212~~the Fleet, King's Bench, or +die in misery and debt abroad. In the olden times, a star of fashion +was quoted for dancing at court, for the splendour of his equipages, +his running footmen and black servants, his expensive dress, his +accomplishments, his celebrity at foreign courts, his fine form, +delicate hand, jewels, library, &c. &c. Now fame (for notoriety is so +called) may be obtained by being a Greek, or Pigeon, by being mistaken +for John the coachman, when on the box behind four tits; by being a +good gentleman miller, by feeding the fancy, standing in print for crim. +con., breaking a promise of marriage once or twice, and breaking as many +tradesmen as possible afterwards; breaking the watchman's head on the +top of the morn; and lastly, breaking away (in the skirmish through +life) for Calais, or the Low Countries. There is as much difference +between the old English gentleman and him who ought to be the modern +representative of that name, as there is between a racer and a hack, +a fine spaniel and a cross of the terrier and bull dog. In our days +of polish and refinement, we had a Lord Stair, a Sedley, a Sir John +Stepney, a Sir William Hamilton, and many others, as our ambassadors, +representing our nation as the best bred in the world; and by their +grace and amiability, gaining the admiration of the whole continent. +We had, in remoter times, our Lords Bolingbroke, Chesterfield, and +Lyttleton, our Steele, &c, the celebrated poets, authors, and patterns +of fashion and elegance of the age. We had our Argyle, + + 'The state's whole thunder form'd to wield, + And shake at once the senate and the field.' + +We had our virtuosi of the highest rank, our rich and noble authors +in abundance. The departed Byron stood alone to fill their place. The +classics were cultivated, not by the learned profession only, but by +the votaries of fashion. Now, our Greek scholars are of ~213~~another +cast.{6} In earlier days the chivalrous foe met his opponent in open +combat, and broke a lance for the amusement of the spectators, while he +revenged his injuries in public. Now, the practice of duelling{7} +has become almost a profession, and the privacy with which it is of +necessity conducted renders it always subject to suspicion (see plate); +independent of which, the source of quarrel is too often beneath the +dignity of gentlemen, and the wanton sacrifice of life rather an act of +bravado than of true courage.{7} + + 6 "Adeipe nunc Danaum insidiai, et----ab uno, Disce + omnes!" + + The Greek population of the fashionable world comprises a + very large portion of society, including among its members + names and persons of illustrious and noble title, whose + whole life and pleasure in life appears to "rest upon the + hazard of a die." The modern Greek, though he cannot boast + much resemblance to Achilles, Ajax, Patroclus, or Nestor, + is, nevertheless, a close imitator of the equally renowned + chief of Ithaca. To describe his person, habits, pursuits, + and manners, would be to sketch the portrait of one or more + _finished roues_, who are to be found in most genteel + societies. The mysteries of his art are manifold, and + principally consist in the following rules and regulations, + put forth by an old member of the corps, whose conscience + returned to torture him when his reign of earthly vice was + near its close. + + ELEMENTS OF GREEKING. 1. A Greek should be like a mole, + visible only at night. 2. He should be a niggard of his + speech, and a profligate with his liquor, giving freely, but + taking cautiously. 3. He must always deprecate play in + public, and pretend an entire ignorance of his game. 4. He + must be subtle as the fox, and vary as the well-trained + hawk; never showing chase too soon, or losing his pigeon by + an over eager desire to pluck him. 5. He must be content to + lose a little at first, that he may thereby make a final hit + decisive. 6. He must practise like a conjuror in private, + that his slippery tricks in public may escape observation. + Palming the _digits_ requires no ordinary degree of agility. + 7. He must secure a confederate, who having been pigeoned, + has since been enlightened, and will consent to decoy others + to the net. 8. He should have once held the rank of captain, + as an introduction to good society, and a privilege to bully + any one who may question his conduct. 9. He must always put + on the show of generosity with those he has plucked--that + is, while their bill, bond, post obit, or other legal + security is worth having. + +~214~~ + + 10. He should be a prince of good fellows at his own table, + have the choicest wines for particular companies, and when a + grand hit cannot be made, refuse to permit play in his own + house; or on a decisive occasion, let his decoy or partner + pluck the pigeon, while he appears to lose to some + confederate a much larger sum. + + 11. He must not be afraid to fight a duel, mill & rumbustical + green one, or bully a brother sharper who attempts to poach + upon his preserves. + + 12. He must concert certain signals with confederates for + _working the broads_ (i.e. cards), such as fingers at whist: + toe to toe for an ace, or the left hand to the eye for a + king, and so on, until he can make the fate of a rubber + certain. On this point he must be well instructed in the + arts of _marked cards, briefs, broads, corner bends, middle + ditto, curves, or Kingston Bridge_, and other arch tricks of + _slipping, palming, forcing_, or even _substituting_, + whatever card may be necessary to win the game. Such are a + few of the elements of modern Greeking, contained in the + twelve golden rules recorded above, early attention to which + may save the inexperienced from ruin. + +[Illustration: page214] + + 7 ELEMENTS OF DUELLING. + + "The British Code of Duel," a little work professing to give + the necessary instructions for _man-killing according to + honour_, lays down the following rules as indispensable for + the practice of principals and seconds in the pleasant and + humane amusement of shooting at each other. "1. To choose + out a snug sequestered spot, where the ground is level, and + no natural, terrestrial, or celestial line presenting itself + to assist either party in his views of sending his opponent + into eternity. 2. To examine the pistols; see that they are + alike in quality and length, and load in presence of each + other. 3. To measure the distance; ten paces of not less + than thirty inches being the minimum, the parties to step to + it, not from it. 4. To fire by signal and at random; it + being considered unfair to take aim at the man whose life + you go out to take. 5. Not to deliver the pistols cocked, + lest they should go off un-expectedly; and after one fire + the second should use his endeavours to produce a + reconciliation. 6. If your opponent fire in the air, it is + very unusual, and must be a case of extreme anguish when you + are obliged to insist upon another shot at him. 7. Three + fires must be the ultimatum in any case; any more reduces + duel to a conflict for blood," says the code writer; "if + the parties can afford it, there should be two surgeons in + attendance, but if economical, one mutual friend will + suffice; the person receiving the first fire, in case of + wound, taking the first dressing. 8. It being always + understood that wife, children, parents, and relations are + no impediment with men of very different relative stations + in society to their meeting on equal terms." The _consistency, + morality, justice, and humanity of this code, I + leave to the gratifying reflection of those who have most + honourably killed their man_. + +~215~~ + + 'For, as duelling now is completely a science, + And sets, the Old Bailey itself at defiance; + Now Hibernians are met with in every street, + 'Tis as needful to know how to shoot as to eat.' + + The following singular challenge is contained in a letter + from Sir William Herbert, of St. Julian's, in Monmouthshire, + father-in-law to the famous Lord Herbert, of Cherbury, to a + gentleman of the name of Morgan. The original is in the + British Museum. + + "Sir--Peruse this letter, in God's name. Be not disquieted. + I reverence your hoary hair. Although in your son I find too + much folly and lewdness, yet in you I expect gravity and + wisdom. + + "It hath pleased your son, late at Bristol, to deliver a + challenge to a man of mine, on the behalf of a gentleman (as + he said) as good as myself; who he was, he named not, + neither do I know; but if he be as good as myself, it must + either be for virtue, for birth, for ability, or for calling + and dignity. For virtue I think he meant not, for it is a + thing which exceeds his judgment: if for birth, he must be + the heir male of an earl, the heir in blood of ten earls; + for, in testimony thereof, I bear their several coats. + Besides, he must be of the blood royal, for by my + grandmother Devereux I am lineally and legitimately + descended out of the body of Edward IV. If for ability he + must have a thousand pounds a year in possession, a thousand + pounds more in expectation, and must have some thousands in + substance besides. If for calling and dignity, he must be + knight or lord of several seignories in several kingdoms, a + lieutenant of his county, and a counsellor of a province. + + "Now to lay all circumstances aside, be it known to your + son, or to any man else, that if there be any one who + beareth the name of gentleman, and whose words are of + reputation in his county, that doth say, or dare say, that I + have done unjustly, spoken an untruth, stained my credit and + reputation in this matter, or in any matter else, wherein + your son is exasperated, I say he lieth in his throat, and + my sword shall maintain my word upon him, in any place or + province, wheresoever he dare, and where I stand not sworn + to observe the peace. But if they be such as are within my + governance, and over whom I have authority, I will for their + re-formation chastise them with justice, and for their + malaport misdemeanour bind them to their good behaviour. Of + this sort, I account your son, and his like; against whom I + will shortly issue my warrant, if this my warning doth not + reform them. And so I thought fit to advertise you hereof, + and leave you to God. + + "I am, &c. + + "WM. HERBERT." + +~216~~"The art of fencing formerly distinguished the gentleman, who then +wore a sword as a part of his dress. He is now contented with a regular +stand-up fight, and exhibits a fist like a knuckle-bone of mutton--hard, +coarse, and of certain magnitude. The bludgeon hammer-headed whip, or a +vulgar twig, succeeds the clouded and amber-headed cane; and instead +of the snuff-box being rare, and an article of parade, to exhibit a +beauty's miniature bestowed in love, or that of a crowned head, given +for military or diplomatic services, all ranks take snuff out of cheap +and vulgar boxes, mostly of inferior French manufacture, with, not +unfrequently, indecent representations on them; or you have wooden +concerns with stage coaches, fighting-cocks, a pugilistic combat, or an +ill-drawn neck and neck race upon them. The frill of the nobleman and +gentleman's linen once bore jewels of high price, or a conceit, like a +noted beauty's eye, set in brilliants less sparkling than what formed +the centre. Now, a fox, a stag, or a dog, worthily occupies the place of +that enchanting resemblance. In equitation, we had Sir Sydney Meadows, +a pattern and a prototype for gentlemen horsemen. The Melton hunt now is +more in vogue, and the sons of our nobility ride like their own grooms +and postboys--ay, and dress like them too. Autrefois, a man of fashion +might be perceived ere he was seen, from a reunion ~217~~of rich and +costly perfumes. Now, snuff and tobacco, the quid, the pinch, and the +cigar, announce his good taste. The cambric pocket-handkerchief was the +only one known in the olden times. The belcher (what a name! ) supplies +its place, together with the bird's eye, or the colours of some black +or white boxer. An accomplished man was the delight of all companies in +former times. An out and outer, one up to every thing, down as a nail +or the knocker of Newgate, a trump, or a Trojan, now carry the mode +of praise; one that can _patter flash, floor a charley, mill a +coal-heaver_, come coachey in prime style, up to every rig and row in +town, and down to every move upon the board, from a nibble at the club +to a dead hit at a hell; can swear, smoke, take snuff, lush, play at all +games, and throw over both sexes in different ways--he is the finished +man. The attributes of a modern fine gentleman are, to have his address +at his club, and his residence any where; to lounge, laugh, lisp, and +loll away the time from four to eight, when having dressed, eat his +olives, he goes to Almack's if he can, or struts into Fop's Alley at +the Opera in boots, in defiance of decency or the remonstrance of the +door-keepers; talks loud to be noticed; and having handed some woman of +fashion to her carriage, gets in after her without invitation, and, as +a matter of course, behaves rudely in return; makes a last call at the +club in his way home to learn the issue of the debate, and try his luck +at French hazard or fleecing a novice. (See Plate.) + +[Illustration: page217] + +If his fortune should be one thousand per annum, his income may be +extended to five, by virtue of credit and credulity. If he comes out +very early in life, say eighteen, he will scarcely expect to be visible +at twenty-four; but if he does not appear until he is twenty-one, and +then lives all his days, he may die fairly of old age, infirmity, +and insolvency, at twenty-six. His topographical knowledge of town +is bounded by the fashionable ~218~~directory, which limits his +recognition, on the north, by Oxford-street, on the east, by +Bond-street, on the south, by Pall Mall, and on the west, by Park-lane. +Ask him where is Russell Square, and he stares at you for a rustic; +inquire what authors he reads, and he answers Weatherbey and Rhodes; ask +what are their works, and he laughs outright at your ignorance of +the 'Racing Calendar,' 'Annals of Sporting,' 'Boxiana,' and 'Turf +Remembrancer;' question his knowledge of science, it consists in starch +_a la Brummel_{8}; of mathematics, in working problems on the cards; of +algebra, in calculating the long odds, or squaring the chances of the +dice; he tells you, his favourite book is his betting account, that John +Bull is the only newspaper worth reading, and that you must never expect +to be admitted into good society if the cut of your coat does not bear +outward proofs of its being fabricated either in Saint James's Street +or Bond Street; that the great requisites are _confidence, indifference, +and nonchalance_; as, for instance, George Wombwell being thrown out of +his tilbury on High gate Hill, when driving Captain Burdett, and both +being dreadfully bruised, George is picked + + 8 When Brummel fell into disgrace, he devised the starched + neckcloth, with the design of putting the prince's neck out + of fashion, and of bringing his Royal Highness's muslin, his + bow, and wadding, into contempt. When he first appeared in + this stiffened cravat, tradition says that the sensation in + St. James's-street was prodigious; dandies were struck dumb + with envy, and washerwomen miscarried. No one could conceive + how the effect was produced--tin, card, a thousand + contrivances were attempted, and innumerable men cut their + throats in vain experiments; the secret, in fact, puzzled + and baffled every one, and poor dandy L------d died raving + mad of it; his mother, sister, and all his relations waited + on Brummel, and on their knees implored him to save their + kinsman's life by the explanation of the mystery; but the + beau was obdurate, and L------d miserably perished. + + When Brummel fled from England, he left this secret a legacy + to his country; he wrote on a sheet of paper, on his + dressing-table, the emphatic words, "Starch is the man." + +~219 up by a countryman, when he inquires, very coolly, if 't'other +blackguard is not quite dead:' his amours are more distinguished by +their number than attractions, and the first point is, not attachment, +but notoriety; the lady always being the more desirable, in proportion +to the known variety of her gallants; that of all the pleasures of this +life, there is nothing like a squeeze at court (see plate), or being +wedged into a close room at a crowded rout. + +[Illustration: page219] + +A ruffian was never thought of by our forefathers; the exquisite was; +but he was more sublimated than the exquisite of the nineteenth century. +The dandy is of modern date; but there is some polish on him--suppose +it be on his boots alone. Shape and make are attended to by him; witness +the Cumberland corset, and his making what he can of every body. Then, +again, he must have a smattering of French, and affect to be above old +England. When he smokes, he does it from vanity, to show his _ecume de +mer_ pipe. He may have a gold snuff-box and a little diamond pin; and +when he swears, he lisps it out like a baby's lesson. Sometimes (not +often) he plays upon the guitar; and the peninsular war may have made +a man of him, and a linguist too; but he is far below the ancient +exquisites (who touched the lute, the lyre, and violoncello). And he is +an egotist in every thing--in gallantry, in conversation, in principle, +and in heart. Nor has the deterioration of the gentleman been confined +to England only--polite and ceremonious France has felt her change. The +Revolution brought in coarse and uncivilised manners. The awkward +and unsuccessful attempt at Spartan and Roman republican manners; +the citizen succeeding to Monsieur; the blasphemous, incredulous, +atheistical principles instilled into the then growing generation of +all classes; the system of equality, subversive of courtliness, and +the obliging attentions and suavities of society, poisoned at once +the source ~220~~of morals and of manners; for there can be nothing +gentlemanlike in atheism, radicalism, and the level, ling system. To +this state of things succeeded a reign of terror, assassination, and +debauchery; and lastly, a military despotism, in which the private +soldier rose to the marshals baton; a groom in the stables of the Prince +of Conde saw himself ennobled; peers and generals had brothers still +keeping little retail shops; and a drum-boy lived to see his wife--a +washerwoman, or fish vender--a duchess (Madame Lefevre). How can we +expect breeding from such materials? Bayonets gave brilliancy to the +imperial court; and the youth of the country were all soldiers, without +dreaming of the gentleman, except in a low bow and flourish of the hat; +a greater flourish of self-praise, and a few warm, loose, and dangerous +compliments to the fairer sex, became more than even the objects +of their passion, but less so of their attentions and prepossessing +assiduities. This military race taught us to smoke, to snuff, to drink +brandy, and to swear; for although John Bull never was backward in that +point, yet St. Giles's and not St. James's, was the _rendezvous_ for +those who possessed that brutal and invincible habit. These were not +amongst the least miseries and curses which the war produced; and they +have left such mischievous traces behind them, that the mature race +in France laugh at the old court, and at all old civil and religious +principles, whilst our demoralized youth play the same game at home. +And if a Bolingbroke or a Chesterfield was now to appear, he would be +quizzed by all the smokers, jokers, hoaxers, glass-cockers, blacklegs, +and fancy-fellows of the town, amongst whom all ranks are perfectly +lost, and morality is an absolute term. O tempora! O Moses! (as the +would-be Lady Sckolard said.) Nor does Moses play second best in these +characters of the day. Moses has crept into all circles; from the ring +to the peerage and baronetage, the stage, the ~221~~race-course; and +our clubs are tinged with the Israelitish: they may lend money, but they +cannot lend a lustre to the court, or to the gilded and painted saloons +of the _beau monde_. The style of things is altered; we mean not the old +style and new in point of date, but in point of brilliancy in the higher +circles. Our ancestors never bumped along the streets, with a stable-boy +by their side, in a one-horse machine, which is now the _bon ton_ in +imitation of our Gallic neighbours, whose equipage is measured by +their purse. Where do you now see a carriage with six horses, and three +outriders, and an _avant courier_, except on Lord Mayor's day? Yet +how common this was with the nobility _d'autrefois_. Two grooms are no +longer his Grace's and my Lord's attendants, but each is followed by one +groom in plain clothes, not very dissimilar from the man he serves. Do +we ever see the star of nobility in the morning, to guard him who has +a right to it from popular rudeness and a confusion of rank? All is now +privacy, concealment, equality in exterior, musty and meanness: not +that the plain style of dress would be exceptionable, if we could say in +verity-- + + 'We have within what far surpasseth show.' + +But the lining is now no better (oftentimes worse) than the coat. Our +principles and our politeness are on a par--at low-water mark. The +tradesman lives like the gentleman, and the nobleman steps down a +degree to be, like other people, up to all fashionable habits and modern +customs; whilst the love for gain, at the clubs, on the turf, in the +ring, and in private life, debases one part of society, and puts down +the other, which becomes the pigeon to the rook. Whilst all this goes +on, the press chronicles and invents follies for us; and there are men +stupid enough to glory in their depravity, to be pleased with their +own deformity of mind, body, or dress, of their affectations, ~222~~and +their leading of a party. There is something manly in the Yacht Club, in +a dexterously driving four fleet horses in hand, in reining in the proud +barb, and in gymnastic exercises: but the whole merit of these ceases, +when my Lord (like him of carroty beard) becomes the tar without his +glory, and wears the check shirt without the heart of oak--when the +driver becomes the imitator of the stage and hackney box--when the +rider is the unsuccessful rival of the jockey; and the frequenter of the +gymnastic arena becomes a bruiser, or one turning strength into money, +be the bet or the race what it may. + + 'Shades of our ancestors! whose fame of old + In ev'ry time the echoing world has told! + Whose dauntless valour and heroic deeds, + Each British bosom yet enraptur'd reads! + Deeds, which in ev'ry country, clime, and age, + Have fill'd the poet's and historian's page; + Of ev'ry muse the theme, and ev'ry pen: + Ye I invoke! and ye, my countrymen, + If British blood yet flows within your veins, + If for your country aught of love remains, + O make your first, your chief, your only care, + That which first rais'd and made you what you were.'" + +[Illustration: page222] + + + + +CHELTONIAN CHARACTERS. + +A TRIP TO THE SPAS. + +CHAPTER I. + +~223~~ + + Bernard Blackmantle and Bob Transit pay a Visit to the + Chelts--Privileges of a Spy--Alarm at Chelten-him--The rival + Editors--The setting of a great Son--How to sink in + Popularity and Respect--A noble Title--An old Flame-- + Poetical _jeu d'esprit_, by Vinegar Penn--Muriatic Acid--An + Attorney-General's Opinion on Family Propensities given + without a Fee!!--The Cheltenham Dandy, or the Man in the + Cloak, a Sketch from the Life-Noble Anecdote of the Fox- + hunting Parson--Bury-ing alive at Berkeley--Public + Theatricals in private--"A Michaelmas Preachment," by an + Honest Reviewer--A few Words for Ourselves--The Grand + Marshall--Interesting Story of a former M. C. + + "Oh, I've been to countries rare; + Seen such sights, 'twould make you stare." + +[Illustration: page223] + +"That last chapter of yours, Blackmantle, on John Long and John +Long's customers, will long remain a memorial of your scrutinizing +qualifications, and, as I think, will prevent your taking your port, +punch, pines, or soda-water in Bond-street for some time to come, lest +'suspicion, which ever haunts the guilty mind,' should in the course of +conversation convict you; and then, my dear fellow, you would certainly +go off pop like the last-mentioned article in the above reference to +the luxuries of Long's hotel." ~224~~"Bravo, Bob Transit!" said I; "this +comes mighty well from you, sir, my _fidus achates_.--'_A bon chat bon +rat_'--the _fidus and audax_ satirists of the present times. And who, +sir, dares to doubt our joint authority? are we not the very spies o' +the age? + + 'Joint monarchs of all we survey; + Our right there is none to dispute.' + +From the throne to, the thatched cottage, wherever there is character, +'there fly we,' and, on the wings of merry humour, draw with pen and +pencil a faithful portraiture of things as they are; not tearing aside +the hallowed veil of private life, but seizing as of public right on +public character, and with a playful vein of satire proving that we are +of the poet's school; + + 'Form'd to delight at once and lash the age.' + + At this season of the year fashion cries out of + Town; so, pack up, Master Robert, and + Let us to Chelt's retiring banks, + Where beaux and beauties throng, + To drink at Spas and play rum pranks, + That here will live in song. + +What Cheltenham was, is no business of ours; what it is, as regards +its buildings, salubrious air, and saline springs, its walks, views, +libraries, theatre, and varieties, my friend Williams, whose shop at the +corner of the assembly rooms is the grand lounge of the literati, will +put the visitor into possession of for the very moderate sum of five +shillings. But, reader, if you would search deeper into society, +and know something of the whim and character of the frequenters and +residents of this fashionable place of public resort, you must consult +the English Spy, and trace in his pages and the accompanying plates of +his friend Bob Transit the faithful likenesses of the scenes and persons +who figure in the maze of fashion, ~225~~or attract attention by the +notoriety of their amours, the eccentricity of their manners, or the +publicity of their attachments to the ball or the billiard-room, the +card or the hazard-table, the turf or the chase; for in all of these +does Cheltenham abound. From the _cercle de la basse to the cercle de +la haute_, from the nadir to the zenith, 'I know ye, and have at ye +all'--ye busy, buzzing, merry, amorous groups of laughter-loving, +ogling, ambling, gambling Cheltenham folk. + + 'A chiel's among ye taking notes, + And faith, he'll print them.' + +To spy out your characteristic follies, ye sons and daughters of +pleasure, have we, Bernard Blackmantle and Robert Transit, esquires, +travelled down to Cheltenham to collect materials for an odd chapter +of a very odd book, but one which has already established its fame by +continued success, and, as I hope owes much of its increasing prosperity +to its characteristic good-humour; so, without more preface, imagine a +little dapper-looking fellow of about five feet something in altitude, +attended by a tall sharp-visaged gentleman in very spruce costume, +parading up and down the High-street, Cheltenham--lounging for a few +minutes in Williams's library--making very inquisitive remarks upon +the passing singularities--and then the little man most impertinently +whispering to his friend with the Quixotic visage, book him, Bob--when +out comes the note book of both parties, and down goes somebody. +Afterwards see them popping into this shop, and then into the other, +spying and prying about--occasionally nodding perhaps to a London actor, +who shines forth here a star of the first magnitude; John Liston, +for instance, or Tyrone Power--then posting off to the well walks, or +disturbing the peaceful dead by ambling over their graves in search +of humorous epitaphs--making their way down to the Berkeley kennel +in North-street (See Plate), ~226~~or paying a visit to the Paphian +divinities at the Oakland cottages under the Cleigh Hills--trotting here +and there--making notes and sketches until all Cheltenham is in a state +of high excitement, and the rival editors of the Chronicle and Journal, +Messrs. Halpine and Judge, are so much alarmed that they are almost +prepared to become friends, and unite their forces for the time against +the common enemy. + +[Illustration: page226] + +Imagine such an animated, whispering, gazing, inquiring scene, as I have +here presented you with a slight sketch of, and, reader, you will be +able to form some idea of the first appearance of the English Spy and +his friend the artist, among the ways and walks of merry Cheltenham. +Then here + + 'At once, I dedicate my lay + To the gay groups that round me swarm, + Like May-bees round the honied hive, + When fields are green, and skies are warm + And all in nature seems alive.' + +Time was, a certain amorous colonel carried every thing here, and bore +away the belle from all competitors; the hunt, the ball, the theatre, +and the card-party all owned his sovereign sway; although it must be +admitted, that, in the latter amusement, he seldom or ever hazarded +enough to disturb his financial recollections on the morrow. But time +works wonders--notoriety is of two complexions, and what may render a +man a very agreeable companion to foxhunters and frolicsome lordlings, +is not always the best calculated to recommend him in the eyes of the +accomplished and the rigid in matters of moral propriety. But other +equally celebrated and less worthy predilections have been trumpeted +forth in courts and newspapers, until the fame of the colonel has spread +itself through every grade of society, and, unlike that wreath which +usually decks the gallant soldier's brow, a cypress chaplet binds the +early gray, and makes admonitory signal of the ill-spent past. The +wrongs of an injured ~227~~and confiding husband, whose fortunes, +wrecked by the false seducer, have left him a prey to shattered ruin, +yet live in the remembrance of some honest Cheltenham hearts; and +although these may feel for the now abandoned object of his illicit +passion, there are but few who, while they drop a tear of pity as she +passes them daily in the street, do not invoke a nobler feeling of +indignation upon the ruthless head of him who forged the shafts of +misery, and pierced at one fell blow the hearts of husband, wife, and +children! What father that has read Maria's hapless tale of woe, +and marked the progress of deceptive vice, will hereafter hazard the +reputation of his daughters by suffering them to mix in Cheltenham +society with the branded seducer and his profligate associates? +Gallantry, an unrestricted love of the fair sex, and a predilection +for variety, may all be indulged in this country to any extent, without +betraying confidence on the one hand or innocence upon the other, +without outraging decency, or violating the established usages of +society. While the profligate confines his sensual pleasures with such +objects as I allude to within the walls of his harem, the moralist has +no right to trespass upon his privacy; it is only when they are blazoned +forth to public view, and daringly opposed to public scorn, that the +lash of the satirist is essentially useful, if not in correcting, at +least in exposing the systematic seducer, and putting the inexperienced +and the virtuous on their guard against the practice of profligacy. It +is the frequency and notoriety of such scenes that has at last alarmed +the Chelts, who, fearing more for their suffering interests than for +their suffering fellow-creatures, begin to murmur rather loudly against +the Berkeley Adonis, representing that the town itself suffers in +respectability and increase of visitors, by its being known as the +rendezvous of the bloods and blacks of Berkeley. The truth of this +assertion may be gathered from the ~228~~following _jeu d' esprit_, only +one among a hundred of such squibs that have been very freely circulated +in Cheltenham and the neighbourhood within the last year. + + 'NEWS FROM CHELTENHAM. + + 'The season runs smartly in Cheltenham's town, + The gossips are up, and the colonel is down; + He has taken the place of the famous Old Gun {1} + That exploded last year, and created some fun. + Were no lives then lost? some say, Yes! and some, No! + The report even shook the old walls of Glasgow.{2} + And the Bushe was found out to be no safe retreat, + For in love, as in war, you may chance to be beat; + And a hell-shaming fellow can never be reckon'd, + Whate'er he may publish, a capital second.' + +"But now having had our fling at his vices, let us speak of him more +agreeably; for the fellow hath some qualifications which, if humour +suit, enables him to shine forth a star of the first magnitude among +_bons vivants_ and sporting characters, who ride, amble, and vegetate +upon the banks of the Chelt. Such is his love of hunting, a pleasure in +which he not only indulges himself, but enables others, his friends, +to participate with him, by keeping up a numerous stud of thirty well +trained horses, and a double pack of fox-hounds, that no appropriate day +may be lost, nor any opportunity missed, of pursuing the sports of the +chase. This is as it should be, and smacks of that glorious spirit +which animated his ancestors; although the violence of his temper will +sometimes break out even here, in the field, when some young and forward +Nimrod, unable to restrain his fiery steed, _o'er-caps_ the hounds, or +crosses the scent. As the Chelts are, or have been, greatly benefited by +the hounds being kept alternately during the hunting months between + + 1 A good-morrow to you, Captain Gun. + + 2 Miss Glasgow, divine perfection of antique virgin purity! + what could the poet mean by this allusion? + +~229~~Cheltenham and Gloucester, they must at least feel some little +gratitude to be due to the man who is the cause of such an increase of +society, and consequent expenditure of cash. But, say they, we lose in +a fourfold degree; for the respectable portion of the fashionable +visitants have of late cut us entirely, to save their sons and daughters +from pollution and ruin, by association or the force of example. 'Tis +not in the nature of the English Spy rudely to draw aside the curtain, +even to expose the midnight revelries and debaucheries, of which he +possesses some extraordinary anecdotes; events, which, if recorded here, +would, in the language of the poet, + + 'Give ample room, and verge enough, + The characters of hell to trace; + How through each circling year, on many a night, + Have Severn's waves re-echoed with affright + The shrieks of (maids) through Berkeley's roofs that ring.' + +"But let these tales be told hereafter, as no doubt they will be, by the +creatures who now pander to vice, when the satiated and the sullen +chief sinks into decay, or cuts from his emaciated trunk the filthy +excrescences which, like poisonous fungus, suck the sap of honour and of +life. The colonel hath had many trials in this life, and much to +break down a noble and a proud spirit. In earlier days, a question +of birthright, while it cut off one entail, brought on another, which +entailed a name, not the ancient gift of a monarch, but one still more +ancient, and, according to Dodsley's Chronology of the Kings of England, +the origin of British sovereignty itself--a '_filius nullius,_' a title +that left it open to the wearer to have established his own fame, and to +have been the architect of a nobler fortune; for + + 'Who nobly acts may hold to scorn + The man who is but nobly born.' + +"Had the colonel acted thus, there is little doubt but long ere this the +kind heart of his Majesty would have ~230~~warmed into graciousness +as he reflected upon the untoward circumstances which removed from the +eldest born of an ancient house the honours of its armorial bearings; +the _engrailed bar_ might have been erased from the shield, and the +coronet of nobility have graced the elder brother, without invading the +legal designation or claims of the legitimate younger; but + + I sing of a day that is gone and past, + Of a chance that is lost, and a die that's cast. + +And even now, while I am sermonizing on late events but too notorious, +the busy hum of many voices buzzes a tale upon the ear that sickens with +its unparalleled profligacy; but the English Spy, the faithful historian +of the present times, refuses to stain his pages by giving credit to, +or recording, the imputed profligate connexion. Adieu, _monsieur_ the +colonel; fain would I have passed you by without this comment; but your +association with the black spirits of the 'Age'{3} has placed you upon a +pedestal, the proper mark for satire to shoot her barbed arrows at. + +"But let us take a turn down the High Street; and as I live here comes +an old flame of the colonel's, Miss R*g*rs, who is now turned into Mrs. +E***n, and who, it is said, most wickedly turned her pen, and pointed +the following _jeu d'esprit_ against her late protector, when he was +laid up by a serious accident, which happened to his knee after the more +serious loss of a--_Foote_. + + 3 "A fellow-feeling makes us wondrous kind" says Pope; and + it would appear so from the intimacy which subsists between + the colonel and his jackall Bunn, the would-be captain, who + it is said is the _filius nullius_ of old Ben Bunn the + _conveyancer_, not of legal title or estate by roll of + parchment, but of the very soil itself. Lord W. Lennox, too, + no doubt, prides himself upon the illegitimate origin of his + ancestry; and the publisher of the infamous scandals + manufactured in the Quadrant is also of the same kidney, + being the reputed natural son of jolly old Bardolph Jennyns. + What the remaining portion of the coterie spring from, the + Gents and Bs., the sensitive nose of a sensible man will + very easily discover. + +~231~~ + + 'To Cupid's colonel help, ye people all; + He's missed his _Footing_, 'Pride has had a fall;' + The knee's uncapp'd, the calf laid open quite, + The Foote presents the most distressing sight; + Its form so perfect, pity none were nigh, + With warning voice to guard from injury. + Waltzers! your peerless partner view, + The gallant gay Lothario quite _perdu; + Sans Foote_ to rest upon, his claims deny'd + To take a birth by English nobles' side. + Let him to Cheltenham, 'tis not to go far; + He's sure to find a _seat--on Irish car_.' + +"I am told, but I cannot discover the allusion myself, that Miss B*g*rs +was prompted to this effusion of the satiric muse by the green-eyed +monster, Jealousy, Observe that machine yonder, rumbling up the street +like an Irish jaunting-car, that contains the numerous family of M***r, +the vinegar merchant, whose lady being considered by the Chelts as +lineally descended from the Tartar race, they have very facetiously +nicknamed muriatic acid. The mad wag with the sandy whiskers yonder, and +somewhat pleasant-looking countenance, is a second-hand friend of the +colonel's; mark how he is ogling the young thing in the milliner's shop +through the window: his daily occupation, making assignations, and his +nightly amusement, a new favourite. A story is told of his father, a +highly respected legal character in the Emerald Isle, that, on being +asked by a friend why his son had left the country, replied, 'By Jasus, +sir, it was high time: sure I am there's enough of the family left +behind. Is not his lady in a _promising_ way, and both his female +servants, and those of two or three of his friends, and are not both +mine in a similar situation? Zounds, sir, if he had remained here much +longer, there would not have been a single female in the whole country. +However, 'Good wine, they say, needs no Bushe,' so I shall leave him +unmarked by his family cognomen, lest this ~232~~should be taken as +a puff-card of his capabilities, and thereby add to the list of his +Cytherean exploits. In a late affair, when the colonel was called +out (but did not come), Sir Patrick beat about the Bushe for him very +judiciously, and by great skill in diplomacy enabled his friend to come +off second best. But here comes one who stands at odds with description, +and attracts more notice in Cheltenham than even the colonel, his +companions, and all the metropolitan visitory put together. If I was to +lend myself to the circulation of half the strange tales related of him +by the Chelts, I could fill a small-sized volume; but brevity is the +soul of wit, and the eccentric Mackey, with all his peculiarities and +strange fancies for midnight mastications, has a soul superior to the +common herd, and a 'heart and hand, open as day, to melting charity.' +It is strange, 'passing strange,' that one so rich and fond of society, +and well-descended withal, should choose thus to ape the ridiculous; a +man, too, if report speaks truly, of no ordinary talents as a writer +on finance, and an expounder of the solar system. Vanity! vanity! what +strange fantasies and eccentric fooleries dost thou sometimes fill the +brain of the biped with, confining thy freaks, however, to that strange +animal--man. The countenance of our eccentric is placid and agreeable, +and, provided it was cleared of a load of snuff, which weighs down the +upper lip, might be said to be, although in the sear o' the leaf, highly +intellectual; but the old Scotch cloak, the broad-brimmed hat of the +covenanter, the loose under vest, the thread-bare coat shaking in +the wind, like the unmeasured garment of the scarecrow, and the +colour-driven nankeens, grown short by age and frequent hard rubbings; +then, too, the flowing locks of iron gray straggling over the shoulders +like the withered tendrils of a blighted vine--all conspire to arrest +the attention of an inquisitive eye; yet the Chelts know but little +~233~~about his history, beyond his being a man of good property, the +proprietor of the Vittoria boarding-house, inoffensive in manners, +obliging in disposition, and intelligent in conversation. His great +penchant is a midnight supper, stewed chicken and mushrooms, or any +other choice and highly-seasoned dish; to enjoy which in perfection, +he hath a maiden sleeping at the foot of his bed ready to attend his +commands, which, it is said, are communicated to her in a very singular +way; no particle of speech being used to disturb the solemn silence of +the night, but a long cane reaching downwards to the slumbering maid, by +certain horizontal taps against her side, propelled forward by the +hand of the craving _gourmand_, wakes her to action, and the banquet, +piping-hot from the stew-pan, smokes upon the board, unlike a vision, +sending up real and enchanting odoriferous perfumes beneath his +olfactory organs. Extraordinary as this account may appear, it is, I +believe, strictly true, and is the great feature of the eccentric's +peculiarities, all the minor whims and fancies being of a subordinate +and uninteresting nature. I shall conclude my notice of him by relating +an action that would do honour to a king, and will excuse the eccentric +with the world, although his follies were ten times more remarkable. +During the suspension of payments by one of the Cheltenham banks, and +when all the poorer class of mechanics and labourers were in a most +piteous situation from the unprecedented number of one pound provincial +notes then in circulation, Mr. Mackey, to his eternal-honour be it +related, and without the remotest interest in the bank, stepped nobly +forward, unsolicited and unsupported, gave to all the poor people +who held the one pound notes the full value for them, reserving to +himself only the chance of the dividend. Ye Berkeleys, Ducies, Lennoxes, +Cravens, Hammonds, Bushes, Molineauxes, and Coventrys, and all the +long list of Cheltenham gay! ~234~~show me an action like this ye +have done--a spirit so noble, when did you display?--Do you see that +rosy-gilled fellow coming this way, with a hunting-whip in his hand? in +costume, more like a country horse-dealer than a country clergyman; +yet such he was, until the bishop of the diocese removed the clerical +incumbrance of the cassock, to give the wearer freer license to indulge +his vein for hunting, coursing, cock-fighting, and the unrestricted +pleasures of the table and the bottle. A good story is told of him and +his friend, the colonel, who, having invited some unsophisticated farmer +to partake of the festivities of the castle, laid him low with strong +potations of _black strap_, and in that state had him carried forth to +the stable-yard, where he was immured up to his neck in warm horse-dung, +the pious ex-chaplain reading the burial-service over him in presence of +the surviving members of the hunt." + +"Who the deuce is that pleasant-looking fellow," said Bob, "who appears +to give and gain the _quid pro quo_ from every body that passes him?" +"That, my dear fellow, is the Grand Marshal of all the merry meetings +here, and a very gentlemanly, jovial, and witty fellow; just such a man +as should fill the office of master of the ceremonies, having both seen +and experienced enough of the world to know how to estimate character +almost at a first interview; he is highly and deservedly respected. +There is a very affecting anecdote in circulation respecting his +predecessor, the detail of which I much regret that I have lost; but +the spirit of the affair was too strongly imprinted upon my memory to be +easily obliterated. He had, it appears, loved a beauteous girl in +early life, and met with a reciprocal return; but the stern mandate +of parental authority prevented their union. The lover, almost +broken-hearted, sought a distant clime, and, after years of peril, +returned to England, bringing with him a wife. The match had been one +~235~~of interest, and they are seldom those of domestic bliss. It +proved so here--he became dissipated, and squandered away the property +he had possessed himself of by marriage. In this situation, he collected +together the wreck of his fortunes, and retired to Cheltenham, where his +amiable qualities and gentlemanly conduct endeared him to a large circle +of acquaintance, and, in the end, he was induced to accept the situation +of master of the ceremonies. Time rolled on, and his former partner +being dead, he was, from his volatile and thoughtless disposition, +again plunged in difficulties, and imprisoned for debt. The circumstance +became known to her at whose shrine in early life he had vowed eternal +devotion: with a still fond recollection of him, who alone had ever +shared her heart, she hastened to the spot, and, being now a wealthy +spinster, paid all his debts and released him from durance. Gratitude +and love both pointed out the course for the obliged M. c. to pursue; +but, alas! there is nothing certain in the anticipations of complete +happiness in this life. The lady fell suddenly sick, and died on the +very day they were to have been married, leaving him sole executor of +her property. The calamitous event made such a deep impression upon a +feeling mind, already shaken by trouble and disease, that finding his +prospects of bliss again blighted without a chance of recovery, he fell +into a state of despondency, and was, within a week, laid a corpse by +the side of his first love. At the post-office,--purposely placed out of +the way by the sagacious Chelts to give strangers the trouble of making +inquiries,--I received the following whim from the same witty pen who +wrote me, anonymously, an inauguration ode to commence my second volume +with." "Who is this whimsical spirit in the clouds?" said Bob. "Ay, +lad," I retorted, "that's just the inquiry I have been making for +the last eight months: ~236~~although it would appear we have--_ad +interim_--been running, riding, racing, rowing, and sailing together in +various parts of the kingdom, you perceive, Bob, there are more Spies +than ourselves at work. However, this must be some protecting geni +who hovers over our heads and fans the air on silken wing, wafting +zephyr-like the ambrosial breeze, where'er our merry fancies stray. +Anon, 'we'll drink a measure the table round;' and if we forget the +'Honest Reviewer,' may we lose all relish for a racy joke, and be +forgotten ourselves by the lovers of good fellowship and good things." +"Which we never shall be," said Bob; "for those eccentric _tomes_ of +ours must and will continue to amuse a laughter-loving age, when we +are booked inside and bound for t'other world." There was not a little +egotism, methought, about friend Transit's eulogy; but as every +parent has a sort of poetical licence allowed him in praising his own +bantlings, perhaps the patronage bestowed by the public upon the English +Spy may excuse a little vanity in either the author or the artist. "But +you are the great magician o' the south yourself, Bernard," continued +Transit, "and will you not use your power, you who can 'call spirits +from the vasty deep'" "True, Bob; I can call, but will they come when I +shall command? However, let us retire to our inn, and after dinner we'll +chant his lay; and if he dances not to the music of his own metre, then +hath he no true inspiration in him, and is a poet without vanity, a +_vara avis_ who delighteth not in receiving the reward of merit; so on, +old fellow, to our quarters, where we will + + 'Carve the goose, and quaff the wine,' + And wish our sprite were here to dine-- + We'd give him hearty cheer; + A welcome such as hand and heart + To kindred spirits should impart, + Where friendship reigns sincere.' + + +~237~~We would punish him for sending his odes to us without sending his +family cognomen therewith. Have we not done him immortal honour--placed +him in front of our second volume like a golden dedication, and what is +more, selected him from many a pleasant whim, to stand by our side; the +only associate who can claim one line engrafted on to the never-ending +fame of the English Spy?--But to the 'Preachment;' let us have another +taste of his quality." + + + + +A SECOND ODE TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. + +or A MICHAELMAS-DAY PREACHMENT. + +BY AN HONEST REVIEWER. + + "_Iterumque, iterumque vocabo_."--Ancient Classics. + + "'Tis a lucky day, boy, and we'll do goods on't." + --Winter's Tale. + + "Ours is the skie, + Where at what fowle we please our hawks shall flie." + --Anon. + + Ay, here I come once more, great sir, + Out of pure love to minister + Some golden truths to thee; + Faustus ye're not, nor Frankenstein, + Yet, being up to trap, I ween + You'll need a sprite like me. + + Eve watch'd you closely, my young squire, + Since at vol. two I cool'd the ire + That left a little stain; + And therefore wonder not, sweet Spy, + Since both of us at follies fly, + Your "Tonson comes again." + +~238~~ + + This is the day of Michaelmas. + Many would say, ay, "let that pass" + As a forgotten thing. + Not so with us, our rent we pay, + And do we not, on quarter-day, + Our taxes to the king? + + Since, then, "our withers are unwrung," + And we need wish no blister'd tongue + To creditors and duns, + Let's carve the goose, and quaff the wine, + And toast September twenty-nine, + Nor mark how fast time runs. + + We've clone the same; that is, we've quaffd, + And sung, and danced, and drunk, and laugh'd, + When we were half seas over; + I don't mean tipsy, bless you, no! + But when we pass'd, like dart from bow, + Cowes Roads on board the Rover. + + So pipe all hands; for though no gale + From sea-wash'd shores distend our sail, + We'll man a vessel here. + This room's our ship; this wine's our tide; + And the good friends we sit beside, + The messmates of our cheer. + + Ay, this looks well; now till the glass + To king, to country, and our lass, + And all of pluck and feather; + That done around, and nothing loth, + Since we are "learned Thebans" both, + + We'll have some talk together. + You've been to Cheltenham, I find, + And, zounds! you really ride the wind, + To Bath and Worcester too; + To South'ton and the Isle of Wight, + As if increase of appetite + With every new dish grew. + +~239 + + But it was really _infra dig_. + Spite of your old horse and new gig, + You did not, some fine morn, + Drive up to Malcolm Ghur, d'ye see,{4} + And leave two pretty cards for me + And Sir John Barleycorn. + + We would have been your chorus, sir, + Or, an' you pleased, your trumpeter, + And _lioned_ you about; + Have shown you every pretty girl, + And every _nouvelle_ quadrille twirl, + And every crowded rout. + + At eight o' morns have call'd you down, + (What would they say of that in town?) + To swallow pump-room water; + At eight o' nights have call'd you up, + (Our grandams used just then to sup), + To 'gin the dinner slaughter. + + Have whisk'd you o'er to Colonel B's, + Or drove you up to Captain P's, + Dons unto Cheltenham steady. + But I forget the world, good lack, + Have play'd enough with such a pack + Of great court-cards already. + + 4 Malcolm Ghur, one of the very prettiest of the many pretty + newly-erected mansions that give a character to the environs + of Cheltenham. To its proprietor do I owe much for + hospitality; a merrier man, withal, dwells not in my + remembrance; he is of your first-rate whist players, though + he rarely now joins in the game. As the chaplain of the + county-lodge of F. M. he is much distinguished; and, at the + dinners of the Friendly Brothers--which are luxurious + indeed, and all for the "immortal memory" of William, king + of that name, and whose portrait ornaments their reading- + room--who better than he can "set the table in a roar"? + +~240~~ + + Have set you down at ten pound whist + With A-------y, and the _au fait_ list,{5} + Turning your nights to days; + Or, somewhat wiser, bid you mix + Where less expensive are odd tricks, + And where friend R-------n plays.{6} + + Have made you try a double trade, + By clapping you in masquerade, + To jaunt at fancy-balls; + You would have seen some merry sights + On two or three particular nights, + In good Miss-----------'s halls.{7} + + You could have gone as harlequin, + Or clad yourself in Zamiel's skin, + Your tending spirits we; + Or "Peeping Tom" may be more apt, + Since all are in your record clapp'd + We send to Coventry. + + 5 Colonel A------y, certainly tho first whist player of the + rooms. + + If he ever drilled a company of raw recruits half as well as + he manages a handful of bad cards, he must have been the + very admirable Crichton of soldiership. + + 6 Mr. R------n, a facetious and good-humoured son of Erin; + true + + as clock-work to the board of green cloth, though he has + been an age making a fortune from it. + + 7 Among the most fashionable amusements of Cheltenham are + the fancy-balls, given by two or three of the principal + sojourners in that place, of card-playing, scandal, + freemasonry, and hot water--God knows how many are in the + latter ingredient! The most splendid I recollect was + given by Colonel---------, or rather Miss---------, whose + _protege_ he married; touching which alliance, there is a + story of some interest and much romance. Of that, as Pierce + Egan says very wittily in every critique, "of that anon." + There certainly was some fun and humour displayed by a few + of the characters on the particular evening I mention; the + two best performers were a reverend gentleman as + one of Russell's waggoners, inimitably portrayed, and + Captain B. A-----e, not the author of "To Day," but his + brother, as an Indian prince. The dress, appearance, and + language to the life. + +~241~~ + + Yet still you've shown us, my smart beau, + Things that we should and should not know, + Vide the Oakland cots. + Bernard Blackmantle, learned Spy, + Don't you think hundreds will cry fie, + If you expose such plots? + + You should have told them as I do, + And yet I love your hunters too, + That nothing is so vile + As strutting up and down a street,8 + Dirt-spatter'd o'er from head to feet, + In the horse-jockey style. + + _Ne sutor ultra crep_, should tell + These red-coats 'tis a paltry swell, + Such careless customs backing; + If they must strut in spurs and boots, + For once I'd join the chalk recruits, + And shout, "Use Turner's Blacking." + + Howe'er, push on--there are of all, + Good, bad, high, low, and short, and tall, + That seek from you decrees. + Fear not, strike strong--you must not fly-- + We will have shots enough--I'm by, + A Mephistopheles. + + 8 There surely is much and offensive vanity in the practice + adopted by many members of the B. H. of appearing on the + pro-menades and in the rooms of Cheltenham, bespattered o'er + with the slush and foam of the hunting field. Every + situation has its decent appropriations, and one would + suppose comfort would have taught these Nimrods a better + lesson. It is pardonable for children to wear their + Valentines on the 14th of February, or for a young ensign to + strut about armed _cap a pie_ for the first week of his + appointment; but the fashion of showing off in a red jerkin, + soiled smalls, mudded boots, and blooded spurs, is not + imitable: there is nothing of the old manhood of sport in + it; foppery and fox-hunting are not synonymous. Members of + the B. H. look to it; follow no leader in this respect. Or, + if you must needs persevere, turn your next fox out in the + ball-room, and let the huntsman's horn and the view halloo + supersede the necessity of harps and fiddle-strings. + +~242~~ + + +We'll learn and con them each by heart, Set them in note books by our +art, Each lord, and duke, and tailor. From Dr. S------{9} to Peter +K------, U------, O------, and I------, and E-----, and A------, Down to +the ploughman Naylor.{10} + +Then let them sow their crop of cares, Their flowers, their weeds, their +fruit, their tares, Not looking ere they leap. We, like the folks +in Jamie's book{11} Will i' the dark sharp up our hook, And, my own +Barnard, reap. + + 9 Dr. S---------e, a very singular, but a very hearty kind + of Caleb Quotem. He has been soldier, and sailor, doctor, + and, I believe, divine. He is as well known at the best + parties as the Wells and the Market-house. He gives feasts + fit for the gods at home, and invariably credits his + neighbours' viands as being Jove's nectar or the fruits of + Paradise, so as to him they be not forbidden. Short commons + could not upset his politeness. His anecdotes have a spice + of the old courtier about them; but the line old _chanson a + boire_, from Gammar Gurton's Needle, + + "Back and side go bare, go bare, + Both foot and hand go cold; + But belly, God send good ale enough, + Whether it be new or old;" + + he really gives beautifully, and with a spice of the olden + time quite delightful. + + 10 Mr. Naylor, of the Plough hotel; an excellent Boniface, + a good friend, and a merry companion. As a boy, I recollect + him keeping the Castle at Marlborough; at "frisky + eighteen," I have contributed to his success at the Crown at + Portsmouth; and I now, older, and it may be, a little wiser + grown, patronize him occasionally at Cheltenham. + + 11 Vide Hogg's Brownie of Bodsbeck. + + + + +A TRIP TO THE SPAS. + +~243~~ + +CHAPTER II. + + The Spas--Medicinal Properties--Interesting specimens of + the Picturesque--"Spasmodic Affections from Spa Waters"-- + Grotesque Scripture--The Goddess Hygeia--Humorous Epitaph-- + Characters in the High Street--Traveller's Hall, or Sketches + in the Commercial Room at the Bell Inn, Cheltenham. + + "For walks and for waters, for beaux and for belles, + There's nothing in nature to rival their wells." + +Inquisitive traveller, if you would see the Well-walks in perfection, +you must rise early, and take a sip of the saline aperients before you +taste of the more substantial meal which the _Plough_-man. Naylor, or +the Cheltenham _Bell_-man, or the _Shep-herd_ of the _Fleece_, will be +sure to prepare for your morning mastication. Fashion always requires +some talismanic power to draw her votaries together, beyond the mere +healthful attractions of salubrious air, pleasant rides, romantic +scenery, and cheerful society; and this magnet the Chelts possess in the +acknowledged medicinal properties of their numerous spas, the superior +qualities of which have been thus pleasantly poetized:-- + + "They're a healthful, and harmless, and purgative potion, + And as purely saline as the wave of the ocean, + Whilst their rapid effects like a---- + ----Hush! never mind; + We'll leave their effects altogether behind." + +In short, if you wish to obtain benefit by the drinking of the waters, +you must do it _dulcius ex ipso fonte_, as my Lord Bottle-it-out's +system, the nobleman who originally planned the Well-walks, of sending +it home ~244~~to the drinkers in bed, has long since been completely +exploded; while, on the other hand, its rapid effects have been very +faithfully delineated by my friend Transit's view of the Royal Wells, +as they appeared on the morning of our visitation, presenting some +very interesting specimens of the picturesque in the Cruikshank style, +actually drawn upon the spot, and affording to the eye of a common +observer the most indubitable proofs of the active properties of the + + Sulphate of soda, and oxide of iron, + And gases, that none but the muse of a Byron + Would attempt to describe in the magic of sound, + Lest it made a report ere he'd quitted the ground; + And poets are costive, as all the world knows, + And value no fame that smells under their nose. + +"Would you like to take off a glass of the waters, sir?" said a very +respectable-looking old lady to my friend Transit, who was at that +moment too busily engaged in taking off the water-drinkers to pay +attention to her request. "There's a beautiful contortion!" exclaimed +Bob; sketching a beau who exhibited in his countenance all the horrors +of cholera, and was running away as fast as his legs could carry him. +"See, with what alacrity the old gentleman is moving off yonder, +making as many wry faces as if he had swallowed an ounce of corrosive +sublimate--and the ladies too, bless me, how their angelic smiles +evaporate, and the roseate bloom of their cheeks is changed to the +delicate tint of the lily, as they partake of these waters. What an +admirable school for study is this! here we can observe every transition +the human countenance is capable of expressing, from a ruddy state of +health and happiness, to one of extreme torture, without charging our +feelings with violence, and knowing that the pains are those of the +patient's own seeking, and the penalties not of any long duration." In +short, my friend Bob furnished, instanter, the subject of "Spasmodic +Affections from, ~245~~Spa Waters," (see plate); certainly one of his +most spirited efforts. + +[Illustration: page245] + +But we must not pass by the elegant structure of Montpelier Spa, the +property of Pearson Thompson, esquire, whose gentlemanly manners, +superior talents, and kind conduct, have much endeared him to all +who know him as an acquaintance, and more to those who call him their +friend. Passing on the left-hand side of the upper well-walk, we found +ourselves before this tasteful structure, and were much delighted +with the arrangement of the extensive walks and grounds by which it is +surrounded:--a health-inspiring spot, and as we are told, + + "Where Thompson's supreme and immaculate taste + Has a paradise form'd from a wilderness waste; + With his walks rectilineous, all shelter'd with trees, + That shut out the sunshine and baffle the breeze, + And a field, where the daughters of Erin{12}may roam + In a fence of sweet-brier, and think they're at home." + +The Sherborne Spa, but recently erected, is indeed a very splendid +building, and forms a very beautiful object from the High-street, from +which it is plainly seen through a grove of trees, forming a vista of +nearly half a mile in length, standing on a gentle eminence, presenting +on both sides gravelled walks, with gardens and elegant buildings, that +display great taste in architecture. The Pump-room is a good specimen of +the Grecian Ionic, said to be correctly modelled from the temple on the +river Ilissus at Athens, and certainly is altogether a work worthy of +admiration. The grotesque colossal piece of sculpture which crowns the +central dome, as well as the building, has been wittily described by the +author of the "Cheltenham Mail." + + 12 The great number of Irish families who reside and + congregate at Cheltenham fully justifies the poet's + particular allusion to the fair daughters of Erin. + +~246~~ + + "And then lower down, in fine Leckampton stone, + We've the fane of _Ilissus_ in miniature shown; + And crown'd with Hygeia--a bouncer, my lud! + And as plump, ay, as any princess of the blood, + Carved in stone, but a good imitation of wood: + With her vest all in plaits, like some ancient costume, + But or Roman or Grecian, I'm loth to presume, + So I cannot be _poz_ yet I blush to confess, + That her limbs are shown off in a little undress; + Whilst the goddess herself, _en bon point_ as she is, + With her curls _a la Grecque_, and but little _chemise_, + Is so plump and so round, my dear sir, it is plain, + She must bring _the robust_ into fashion again." + +Coming back through the churchyard from Alstone Spa, we discovered the +following humorous epitaph. + + "Here lies John Ball; + An unfortunate fall, + By crossing a wall, + Brought him to his end." + +Peace to his manes! But, with such a notice above him to excite +attention, it is well he hears not, or ten times a clay his sleep might +be sadly disturbed. Once more we are in the High Street, where I shall +just sketch two or three singularities, without which my notice of the +eccentrics of Cheltenham might be deemed imperfect. + +The dashing knight coming this way on horseback, with his +double-pommelled saddle, is a well-known Cheltenham resident, whose love +of the good things of this world induced him to look into the kitchen +for a helpmate, and he found one, who not only supplies his table with +excellent dishes, but also furnishes the banquet with a liberal quantity +of sauce. The group of _roues_ to the right, standing under the +portico (I suppose I must call it) to the rooms, is composed of that +good-humoured fellow Ormsby, who sometimes figures here as an amateur +actor, and, whether on or off the stage, is generally respected for +the amiable qualities of his heart. The ~247~~gentleman with the _blue +bauble_ round his neck is, or was, a lieutenant-colonel, and still loves +to fire a great gun now and then, when he gets into the trenches before +Seringapatam; but I must leave others to unriddle the character, while +I pay my respects to another military hero, who is no less famous among +the Chelts for his attachment to the stage--Lieutenant-colonel B*****ll, +of whom it would be difficult for any one who knew him to speak +disrespectfully. Sir John N****tt and his son, who are here called the +inseparables, finish the picture upon this spot, with the exception of +my old friend the jack of trumps, R*l*y, whose arch-looking visage I +perceive peeping out like the first glance of a court card in the rear +of a bad hand; but let him pass: the mirror of the English Spy reflects +good qualities as well as bad ones, and I should not do him justice if +I denied him a fair proportion of both. Descending to observe the +eccentrics in a more humble sphere, who can pass by the dandy candy +man with his box of sweetmeats, clean in person as a new penny, and +his sturdy figure most religiously decorated with lawn sleeves, and +a churchman's _tablier_ in front; while his ruddy weather-beaten +countenance, and hairy foraging cap, give him the appearance of a Scotch +presbyterian militant in the days of the covenanters. Then, too, his +wares cure all diseases, from a ravaging consumption to a frame-shaking +hooping cough; and not unlikely are as efficacious as the nostrums of +the less Mundivagant professors of patent empiricism. Of all men in the +world your coach _cad_ has the quickest eye for detecting a stranger; +and who but Sam Spring, the box-book keeper of Drury Lane, whose eternal +bow has grown proverbial, could ask an impudent question with more +politeness than Mr. Court, the _charge de affaires_ in the High Street, +for the conflicting interests of half a hundred coach proprietors 1 "Do +you travel to-day, sir?--Very happy to send for your luggage--Go by the +early coach, sir?--Our porter ~248~~shall call you up, only let me put +you down at our office." Thus actually bowing you into his book a +week before you had any serious intention of travelling, by the very +circumstance of reminding you of the mode by which you intend to reach +home. I could add to these sketches a few singularities among the +trading brotherhood of the Chelts; but we may meet again: and after +all it would, perhaps, be considered invidious to point out the honest +tradesman to public notice, merely because he has caught something of +the eccentricities of his betters, or, like them, is led away by the +force of example. + + ERRATA. + + In Chapter I, page 223, Contents, dele hi, and for Penn, + read pun. The Man in the Cloak, noble Anecdote of, instead + of the Fox* hunting Parson,--Printer. + + + + +TRAVELLER'S HALL. + +~249~~ + + Sketches in the Commercial Room at the Bell Inn, + Cheltenltam--The Traveller's Ordinary--Trade Puns--Bolton + Trotters and Trottees--Song, All the Booksellers--Curious + Sporting Anecdote of a Commercial Man--Song, The Knight of + the Saddle Bags--Private Theatricals in Public--Visit to + the Oakland Cottages, a Night Scene. + +An invitation to dine with the traveller to a London house in the paper +and print line, yclept booksellers, introduced the English Spy and his +friend, the artist, to the scene here presented (see plate). + +[Illustration: page249] + +Reader, if you wish to make a figure among the Chelts and be thought +any thing of, you will, of course, domicile at the Plough; but if your +object is a knowledge of life, social conversation, a great variety +of character, and a never-failing fund of mirth and anecdote, join the +gentleman travellers who congregate at the Bell or the Fleece, where you +will meet with merry fellows, choice viands, good wine, excellent beds, +and a pretty chambermaid into the bargain. Your commercial man is +often a fellow of infinite jest, a travelling vocabulary of provincial +knowledge, and a faithful narrator of the passing events of the time. +Who can speak of the increasing prosperity, or calculate upon the +falling interests of a town, so well as your flying man of business 1 +The moment he enters a new place he expects the landlord to be ready, +cap in hand, to welcome him; he first sees his horse into a stall, and +lectures the ostler upon the art of rubbing him down--orders boots to +~250~~bring in his travelling bags or his driving box, and bids the +waiter send the chambermaid to show him his bed-room--grumbles that it +is too high up, has no chimney in the apartment, or is situate over the +kitchen or the tap-room--swears a tremendous oath that he will order his +baggage to be taken to the next house, and frightens the poor girl into +the giving him one of the best bed-apartments, usually reserved for +the coffee-room company. Returning below, he abuses the waiter for +not giving him his letters, that have been waiting his arrival a week, +before he went up stairs--directs boots to be ready to make the circuit +of the town with him after dinner, carrying his pattern-books, perhaps +half a hundred-weight of Birmingham wares, brass articles, or patterns +of coffin furniture; and having thus succeeded in putting the whole +house into confusion, only to let them know that the Brummagem gentleman +has arrived on his annual visit to the Chelts, with a new stock of every +thing astonishing in the brass line, he places himself down at a side +table, to answer to his principals for being some days later on +his march than they had concluded--remits a good sum in bills and +acceptances, and adds thereunto a sheet of orders, that will suffice to +keep the firm in good temper for a week to come: sometimes, indeed, +the postscript contains a hint of an expected "whereas," or strong +suspicions of an act of insolvency, but always couched in the most +consolatory terms, hoping the dividend will turn out to be better than +present circumstances might lead them to expect. In his visits to his +customers he is the most courteous, obliging fellow imaginable; there is +no trouble he thinks too much if he is likely to obtain his last account +and a fresh order; then, too, his generosity is unbounded: he invites +the tradesman to take wine with him at his inn, inquires kindly +after all the family, hopes business is thriving, makes an offer of +~251~~doing any thing for him along the road, and bows himself and his +pattern-cards out of the shop, with as much humility and apparent +sense of obligation as the most expert courtier could put on when his +sovereign deigns to confer upon him some special mark of his royal +favour. It is at his inn alone that his independence breaks forth, and +here he often assumes as much consequence as if he was the head of the +firm he represents, and always carried about him a _plum_ at least in +his breeches pocket. This is a general character, and one, too, formed +upon no slight knowledge of commercial men; but with all this, the man +of the world will admire them and seek their company; first, that his +accommodations are generally better, and the charges not subject to the +caprice of the landlord; and, secondly, for the sake of society; for +what on earth can be more horrible than to be shut up in a lone room, +a stranger in a provincial town, to eat, drink, and pass the cheerless +hour, a prey to solitude and _ennui_? + +But there is sometimes a little fastidiousness about these _knights of +the saddle-bag_, in admitting a stranger to hob and nob with them; +to prevent a knowledge, therefore, of our pursuits, my friend Bob was +instructed, before entering the room, to sink the arts, and if any +inquisitive fellow should inquire what line he travelled in, to reply, +in the print line; while your humble servant, it was agreed, should +represent some firm in the spring trade; and thus armed against +suspicion, we boldly marched into the commercial-room just as the +assembled group of men of business were sitting down to dinner, hung +our hats upon a peg, drew our chairs, uninvited, to the table, fully +prepared to feel ourselves at home, and do ample justice to the +"bagmen's banquet." + +The important preliminary point settled, of whom the duty of chairman +devolved on, a situation, as I understood, always filled in a commercial +room by ~252~~the last gentleman traveller who makes it his residence, +we proceeded to business. The privilege of finding fault with the +dinner, which, by the by, was excellent, is always conceded to the +ancients of the fraternity of traders; these gentlemen who, having been +half a century upon the road, remember all the previous proprietors of +the hotel to the fifteenth or twentieth generation removed, make a point +of enumerating their gracious qualities upon such occasions, to keep the +living host and representative _up to the mark_, as they phrase it. For +instance--the old buck in the chair, who was a city tea broker, found +fault with the fish: "There vas nothing of that ere sort to be had good +but at Billingsgate, where all the best fish from all the vorld vas, +as he contended, to be bought cheaper as butcher's meat." The result of +which remark induced the young wags at the table to finish a very fine +brill, without leaving him a taste, while he was abusing it. "This soup +is not like friend Birch's," said Mr. Obadiah Pure, a gentleman in the +drug line; "it hath a watery and unchristianlike taste with it." "Ay," +replied a youngster at the bottom of the table, with whom it appeared to +be in request, "I quake for fear while I am eating it, only I know there +can be no drugs in it, or you would not find fault with a customer." +"Thou art one of the newly imported, friend," replied Mr. Pure, "and art +yet like a young bear, with all thy troubles to come." "True," said the +wag, "thou may be right, friend; but I shall not be found a _bruin_ +with thy materials for all that." This sally put down the drug merchant +for the rest of the dinner-time. "You had better take a little fish +or soup before they are cold," said the chairman, to a bluff-looking +beef-eater at his back, who was arranging his papers and samples. "Sir, +I never eat warm wittals, drink hot liquors, wear a great coat, or have +my bed warmed." "The natural heat of your ~253~~constitution, I suppose, +excuses you," said I, venturing upon a joke. "Sir, you had better heat +your natural meal, while it is hot, without attempting to heat other +people's tempers," was the reply; to which Bob retorted, by saying, "It +was quite clear the gentleman was not mealy-mouthed." "This beef smells +a little of Hounslow Heath," said a jeweller's gentleman, on my right. +"Why so, sir?" was inquired by one who knew him. "Because it has hung +rather too long to be sightly." "You should not have left out the chains +in that joke, Sam," said his friend; "they would have linked it well +together, and sealed the subject." "Who takes port?" inquired the +chairman. "I must sherry directly after dinner, gentlemen," said one. +"What," retorted the company, "boxing the wine bin! committing treason, +by making a sovereign go farther than he is required by law. Fine +him, Mr. Chairman." "Gentlemen, it is not in my power; he is a bottle +conjuror, I assure you, 'a good man and true;' he only retires to bleed +a patient, and will return instanter." "Happy to take a glass of wine +with you, sir." "What do you think of that port, sir?" "Excellent." "Ay, +I knew you would say so; the house of Barnaby Blackstrap, Brothers, and +Company, of Upper Thames Street, have always been famous for selling +wines of the choicest vintage. Do me the honour, sir, of putting a card +of ours in your pocket: I sent this wine into this house in Jennings's +time, for the grand dinner, when the first stone of the new rooms over +the way was laid, and John Kelly, the proprietor, took the chair. You +are lucky, sir, in meeting me here; they always pull out an odd bottle +from the family bin, marked A--1, when I visit them." "Yes, and some +_odd sort_ of wine at any other time," grumbled out a queer-looking +character at a side table opposite. "That's nothing but spleen, Mr. +Sable," said the knight of the ruby countenance: "you and I have met +occasionally at this house together now for three and twenty years; and +although I never ~254~~come a journey without taking an order from them, +I thank heaven, I never knew you to receive one yet: many a dead man +have we seen in this room, but none of them requiring a coffin plate +to tell their age, and very few of them that were like to receive the +benefit of resurrection." "I shall book you inside, Mr. Blackstrap,'' +replied Sable, "for joking on my articles of trade, which is contrary to +the established usage of a commercial room." "Do any thing you like but +bury me," said the _bon vivant_." Gentlemen, as chairman, it is my duty +to put an end to all grave subjects. Will you be kind enough to dissect +that turkey?" "I don't see the bee's wing in this port, Mr. +Blackstrap, that you are bouncing about," said a London traveller to +a timber-merchant. "No, sir," said the humorist, "it is not to be seen +until you are a deal higher in spirits; the film of the wing is seldom +discernible in such mahogany-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like +rose wood at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as red +as logwood, or as black as ebony, if you will but do justice to the +bottle," was the reply. "There is no being cross-grained with you," said +the timber-merchant. "Not unless you cut me," retorted Blackstrap, "and +you are not sap enough for that." "Gentlemen," continued the facetious +wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, I shall think we have +not met with our dessert; and although there may be some among us +whose principals are worth a plum, there are very few of their +representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my +reasons." Thus pleasantly apostrophised, the fruit made its appearance, +and with it a fresh supply of the genuine Oporto, which our merry +companion, Blackstrap, called "his _old particular_." One of his +stories, relative to a joke played off upon the Bolton trotters, by +his friend Sable, the travelling undertaker, is too good to be lost. In +Lancashire the custom of hoaxing is called ~255~~_trotting_, and in +many instances, particularly at Bolton, is still continued, and has +frequently been played off upon strangers with a ruinous success. Sable +had, it would appear, taken up his quarters at a commercial inn, and, +as is usual with travellers, joined the tradesmen in the smoking room at +night to enjoy his pipe, and profit, perhaps, by introduction in the +way of business. The pursuit of the undertaker and dealer in coffin +furniture was no sooner made generally known, than it was unanimously +agreed to trot him, by giving him various orders for articles in his +line, which none of the parties had any serious intention of paying for +or receiving. With this view, one ordered a splendid coffin for himself, +and another one for his wife; a third gave instructions for an engraved +plate and gilt ornaments; and a fourth chose to order an elegant suite +of silver ornaments to decorate the last abode of frail mortality: in +this way the company were much amused with the apparent unsuspecting +manner of Sable, who carefully noted down all their orders, and pledged +himself to execute them faithfully. The Bolton people did not fail +to circulate this good joke, as they then thought it, among their +neighbours, and having given fictitious names, expected to have had +additional cause for exultation when the articles arrived; but how great +was their surprise and dismay, when in a short time every order +came, directed properly to the person who had given it! Coffins and +coffin-plates, silk shrouds and velvet palls, and all the expensive +paraphernalia of the charnel-house were to be seen carried about from +the waggon-office in Bolton, to be delivered at the residences of the +principal inhabitants. Many refused to receive these mementoes of their +terrestrial life, and others denied having ever ordered the same. Sable, +however, proved himself too _fast a trotter_ for the Bolton people; for +having, by the assistance of the waiter, obtained the true description +of his ~256~~customers on the night of the joke, and finding they were +most of them wealthy tradesmen, he very wisely determined to humour the +whim, and execute the orders given, and in due course of time insisted +upon payment for the same. Thus ended the story of the Bolton trotters, +which our merry companion concluded, by observing, that it put an end +to sporting, in that way, for some time; and by the chagrin it caused to +many of the trottees, distanced them in this life, and sent them off +the course in a galloping consumption.{1} "There's honour for you," said +Sable, "civilized a + + 1 _A Bolton definition_.--When the Bolton Canal was first + pro-posed, the Athenians (for that Bolton is the Athens of + Lancashire no one can doubt) could not well understand how + boats were to be raised above the level of the sea. A lock + to them was as incom-prehensible as Locke on the Human + Understanding. A celebrated member of a celebrated trotting + club was amongst the number of those who could not + comprehend the mystery. Unwilling to appear ignorant upon a + question which formed the common topic of conversation, he + applied to a scientific gentleman in the neighbourhood for + an accurate description of a lock. It happened that the man + of science had on one occasion been a _trottee_, and was + glad to have an opportunity of retaliation. "A lock," said + he, "is a quantity of sawdust congealed into boards, which, + being let down into the water in a perpendicular slope- + level, raises it to the declivity of the sea above!"--" Eh?" + said the Athenian, "what dun yo' say?" The gentleman + repeated his description, and the worthy Boltonian recorded + every word in the tablet of his memory. Sometime afterwards + he had the honour of dining with some worshipful brothers of + the quorum, men as profoundly ignorant of the law as any of + the unpaid magistracy need to be, but who, having seen + canals, knew well enough what locks were. Our Athenian took + an early opportunity of adverting to the proposed "cut," and + introduced his newly-acquired learning in the following + terms: "Ah! Measter Fletcher, it's a foine thing a lock; + yo' know'n I loike to look into them theere things; a lock + is a perpendicular slop level, which, being let into the + sea, is revealed into boards, that raises it to the + declivity of the sea above!"--As it is the province and + privilege of the ignorant to laugh at a greater degree of + ignorance than their own, it may be supposed that their + worships enjoyed a hearty laugh at the expense of their + Attic brother. + +~257~~whole district of English barbarians by one action, and, what is +more, they have never ventured to trot with any one of our fraternity +since." + +The conversation now took a turn relative to the affairs of trade; and +if any one had been desirous of knowing the exact degree of solvency in +which the whole population of the county of Gloucester was held by +these flying merchants and factors, they might easily have summed up the +estimate from the remarks of the company. They were, however, a jovial +party; and my friend Bob and myself had rarely found ourselves more +pleasantly circumstanced, either as regarded our social comforts, or the +continued variety of new character with which the successive speakers +presented us. As the evening approached our numbers gradually +diminished, some to pursue their journeys, and others to facilitate the +purposes of trade. The representative of the house of Blackstrap and +Co., his friend Sable, the timber merchant, our inviter the bookseller, +and the two interlopers, remained fixed as fate to the festive board, +until the chairman, and scarce any one of the company, could clearly +define, divide, and arrange the exact arithmetical proportions of the +dinner bill. After a short cessation of hostilities, during which our +commercial friends despatched their London letters, and Bob and the +English Spy, to escape the suspicion of not having any definable +pursuit, emigrated to the High Street; we returned to our quarters, and +found the whole party debating upon a proposition of the bon vivants, to +have another bottle, and make a night of it by going to the theatre +at half price; a question that was immediately carried, _nemine +contradicente_. Mr. Margin, our esteemed companion, who represented +the old established house of Sherwood and Co., was known to sing a +good stave, and what was still more attractive, was himself a child of +song--one of the inspired of the nine, who, at the Anacreontic Club, +held in Ivy Lane, would often amuse ~258~~the society with an original +chant; "whose fame," as Blackstrap expressed it, "had extended itself to +the four corners of the island, wherever the sporting works of Sherwood +and Co., or the travelled histories of the Messrs. Longmans, have found +readers and admirers." "Gentlemen," said Mr. Margin, "my songs are all +of a local nature; whims written to amuse a meeting of the trade for +a dinner at the Albion or the London, when the booksellers congregate +together to buy copyrights, or sell at a reduced price the refuse of +their stock. But, such as it is, you shall have it instanter." + + ALL THE BOOKSELLERS; + + A NEW SONG, BY A LONDON TRAVELLER. + + Tune--Family Pride--Irish air. + + First, Longmans are famous for travels, + Will Sherwood for sporting and fun, + Old Ridgway the science unravels + How politic matters are done. + + The ponderous tomes of deep learning, + The heavy, profound, and the flat, + By Baldwin and Cradock's discerning, + Are cheaper by half to come at. + + Baines deals out to methodist readers + Cant, piously strung into rhyme; + While Rivingtons, 'gainst the seceders, + With church and king Hatchard will chime. + + John Murray's the lords' own anointed, + I mean not indeed to blaspheme, + But the peers have him solely appointed + To sell what their highnesses scheme. + +~259~~ + + Colburn defies Day and Martin + To beat him with " Real Japan;" + If puffing will sell books, 'tis certain, + He'll rival the bookselling clan. + + Catechisms for miss and for master, + For ladies who're fond oft, romance, + Sheriff Whittaker publishes faster + Than booksellers' porters can dance. + + Operatives, mechanics, combiners, + Knight and Lacey will publish for you; + They'll tickle ye out of your shiners, + By teaching the power o' the screw. + + An Architect looks out for Taylor, + A General Egerton seeks; + Tommy Tegg at the trade is a railer, + But yet for a slice of it sneaks. + + Richardson furnishes India + With all books from Europe she buys; + Near St. Paul's, in Old Harris's window, + The juveniles look for a prize. + + Cadell is Scotch Ebony's factor, + Collecting the news for Blackwood; + John Miller 's the man for an actor, + America 's done him some good. + + The Newmans of fam'd Leadenhall + In very old novels abound; + While Kelly, respected by all, + As Sheriff of London is found. + + Will Simpkin supplieth the trade + From his office in Stationers' Court; + And Stockdale too much cash has made + By publishing Harriette 's report. + +~260~~THE ENGLISH SPY + + Antiquarians seek Arch of Cornhill; + Joe Butterworth furnishes law; + And Major his pockets will fill + By giving to Walton _eclat_. + + Where, with old Parson Ambrose, the legs + Once in Gothic Hall pigeons could fleece, + There, Hurst and Co. now hang on pegs + The fine arts of Rome and of Greece. + + John Ebers with Opera dancers + Is too much engaged for to look + How the bookselling business answers, + And publishes only "Ude's Cook." + + Hookham and Carpenter both are + As cautious as caution can be; + While Andrews, nor Chapple, a sloth are + In trade, both as lib'ral as free. + + Billy Sams is a loyal believer, + And publishes prints by the score; + But his likeness, I will not deceive her, + Of Chester _is not con amore_. + + If the world you are ganging to see, + Its manners and customs to note, + In the Strand, you must call upon Leigh, + Where you'll find a directory wrote. + + Cincinnatus like, guiding the plough, + On Harding each farmer still looks; + Clerc Smith is the man for a bow, + And his shop is as famous for books. + + _Facetiae_ collectors, give ear, + Who with Mack letter spirits would deal; + If rich in old lore you'd appear, + Pay a visit to Priestley and Weale. + +~261~~ + + There's Ogle, and Westley, and Black, + With Mawman, and Kirby, and Cole, + And Souter, and Wilson--alack! + I cannot distinguish the whole. + + For Robins, and Hunter, and Poole, + And Evans, and Scholey, and Co. + Would fill out my verse beyond rule, + And my Pegasus halts in the Bow. + + The radicals all are done up; + Sedition is gone to the dogs; + And Benbow and Cobbett may sup + With their worthy relations the Hogs. + + So here I will wind up my list + With Underwood, Callow, and Highley; + Who bring to the medicals grist, + By books on diseases wrote dryly. + + Just one word at parting I crave-- + If Italian, French, German, or Dutch, + To bother your noddle you'd have, + Send to Berthoud, or Treuttel and Wurtz, + + Or Zotti, or Dulau, or Bohn, + But they're all very good in their way; + Bossange, Bothe, Boosey and Son, + All expect _Monsieur Jean_ Bull to pay. + +"A right merrie conceit it is," said Blackstrap, "and an excellent +memoranda of the eminent book-sellers of the present time." "Ay, sir," +continued the veteran; "all our old ballads had the merit of being +useful, as well as amusing. There was 'Chevy Chase, and 'King John +and his Barons,' and 'Merry Sherwood,' all of them exquisite chants; +conveying information to the mind, and relating some grand historical +fact, while they charmed the ear. But ~262~~your modern kickshaws are +all about 'No, my love, no,' or 'Sigh no more, lady,' or some such silly +stuff that nobody cares to learn the words of, or can understand if they +did. I remember composing a ballad in this town myself, some few +years since, on a very strange adventure that happened to one of our +commercial brethren. He had bought an old hunter at Bristol to finish +his journey homeward with, on account of his former horse proving lame, +and just as he was entering Cheltenham by the turnpike-gate at the end +of the town, the whole of the Berkeley Hunt were turning out for a day's +run, and having found, shot across the road in full cry. Away went the +dogs, and away went the huntsmen, and plague of any other way would +the old hunter go: so, despite of the two hundred weight of perfumery +samples contained in his saddle-bags, away went Delcroix's deputy over +hedge and ditch, and straight forward for a steeple chase up the Cleigh +Hills; but in coming down rather briskly, the courage of the old horse +gave way, and down he came as groggy before as a Chelsea pensioner, +smashing all the appendages of trade, and spilling their contents upon +the ground, besides raising such an odoriferous effluvia on the field, +that every one present smelt the joke.--But you shall have the song." + + THE KNIGHT OF THE SADDLE-BAGS; + + A TRUE RELATION OF A TRAVELLER'S + ADVENTURE AT CHELTENHAM. + + Tune--The Priest of Kajaga. + + A knight of the saddle-bags, jolly and gay, + Rode near to blithe Cheltenham's town; + His coat was a drab, and his wig iron-gray, + And the hue of his nag was a brown. + +~263~~ + + From Bristol, through Glo'ster, the merry man came; + And jogging along in a trot, + On the road happ'd to pass him, in pursuit of game, + Of Berkeley's huntsmen a lot. + + Tally-ho! tally-ho! from each voice did resound; + Hark forward! now cheer'd the loud pack; + Sir knight found his horse spring along like a hound,' + For the devil could not hold him back. + + Away went sly Reynard, away went sir knight, + With the saddle-bags beating the side + Of his horse, as he gallop'd among them in fright; + 'Twas in vain that the hunt did deride. + + Now up the Cleigh Hills, and adown the steep vale, + Crack, crack, went the girths of his saddle; + Sir knight was dismounted, O piteous tale! + In wasjies the fishes might paddle. + + As prostrate he lay, an old hound that way bent + Gave tongue as he pass'd him along; + Which attracted the pack, who thus drawn by the scent, + Would have very soon ended his song. + + For O! it was strange, but, though strange, it was true! + With perfumery samples, his bags + With essences, musks, and rich odours a few, + He had joined peradventure the nag's. + + The field took the joke in good-humour and jest; + Sir knight was invited to dine + At the Plough the same day, where a fine haunch was dress'd, + And Naylor gave excellent wine. + + From that time, 'raong the Chelts, has a knight of the bag + Been look'd on as a man of spirit; + For who but a knight could have hunted a nag + So laden, and come off with merit? + +~264~~A visit from two of the commercial gentlemen of the Fleece gave +Blackstrap another opportunity of showing off, which he did not fail +to avail himself of in no very measured paces, by ridiculing the rival +house, and extending his remarks to the taste of the frequenters. To +which one of them replied, "Mine host of the fleece is no 'wolf in +sheep's clothing,' but a right careful good shepherd, who provides well +for his flock; and although the fleece hangs over his door, it is not +symbolical of any fleecing practices within." "Ay," said the other, +defending his hotel; "then, sir, we live like farmers at a harvest-home, +and sleep on beds of down beneath coverings of lamb's wool; and our +attendant nymphs of the chamber are as beautiful and lively as Arcadian +shepherdesses, and chaste as the goddess Diana." "Very good," retorted +Blackstrap; "but you know, gentlemen, that the beaux of this house must +be better off for the belle. We will allow you of the Fleece your rustic +enjoyments, seeing that you are country gentlemen, for your hotel is +certainly out of the town." A good-natured sally that quickly restored +harmony, and called forth another song from the muse of Blackstrap. + + HEALTH, COMPETENCE, AND GOOD-HUMOUR. + + Let titles and fame on ambition be shed, + Or history's page of great heroes relate; + The motto I'd choose to encircle my head + Is competence, health, and good-humour elate. + +~265~~ + + The chaplet of virtue, by friendship entwined, + Sheds a lustre that rarely encircles the great; + While health and good-humour eternally find + A competence smiling on every state. + + No luxuries seeking my board to encumber, + Contented receiving what Providence sends; + Age brightens with pleasure, while virtue may number + Competence, health, and good-humour as friends. + + Then, neighbours, let's smile at old Chronos and care; + Still shielded with honour, we're fearless of fate: + With the sports of the field and the joys of the fair, + We've competence, health, and good-humour elate. + +At the conclusion of this fresh specimen of our chairman's original +talent, it was proposed we should adjourn to the theatre, where certain +fashionable amateurs were amusing themselves at the expense of the +public. "Sir, I dislike these half and half vagabonds," said Blackstrap, +with one of his original gestures, "who play with an author before the +public, that they may the more easily play with an actress in private. +Yon coxcomb, for instance, who buffoons Brutus, with his brothers, are +indeed capital brutes by nature, but as deficient of the art histrionic +as any biped animals well can be. I remember a very clever artist +exhibiting a picture of the colonel and his mother's son, Augustus, with +a Captain Austin, in the exhibition of the Royal Academy for the year +1823, in the characters of Brutus, Marc Antony, and Julius Caesar, which +caused more fun than anything else in the collection, and produced more +puns among the cognoscenti than any previous work of art ever gave +rise to. The Romans were such rum ones--Brutus was a black down-looking +biped, with gray whiskers, and a growl upon his lip; Marc Antony, +without the remotest mark of the ancient hero about him; and +~266~~Cassius looked as if he had been cashiered by the commander of +some strolling company of itinerants for one, whose placid face could +neither move to woe, nor yield grimace; and yet they were all accounted +excellent likenesses, perfect originals, like Wombwell's bonassus, only +not quite so natural." + +During this rhapsody of Blackstrap's, Transit on the one side, and the +English Spy on the other, endeavoured to restrain the torrent of his +satire by assuring him that the very persons he was alluding to were the +amateurs on the stage before him; and that certain critical faces behind +him were paid like the painter, of whom he had previously spoken, +to produce flattering portraits in print, and might possibly make a +satirical sketch of the bon vivant at the same time; an admonition that +had not the slightest effect in abridging his strictures upon amateur +actors. But as the English Spy intends to finish his sketches on +this subject, in a visit to the national theatres, he has until then +treasured up in his mind's stores the excellent and apposite, though +somewhat racy anecdotes, with which the comical commercial critic +illustrated his discourse. + +The "liquor in, the wit's out," saith the ancient proverb; and, +although my "Spirit in the Clouds" had already hinted at the dangerous +consequences likely to result from a visit to the "Oakland Cottages," +yet such was the flexibility of my friend Transit's ethics, his penchant +for a spree, and the volatile nature of his disposition, when the ripe +Falerian set the red current mantling in his veins, that not all my +philosophy, nor the sage monitions of Blackstrap, nor thought, nor +care, nor friendly intercession could withhold the artist from making +a pilgrimage to the altar of love. For be it known to the amorous beau, +these things are not permitted to pollute the sanctity of the sainted +Chelts; but in a snug convent, situate a full mile and a half from +Cheltenham, at the extremity ~267~~of a lane where four roads meet, and +under the Cleigh Hills, the lady abbess and the fair sisters of Cytherea +perform their midnight mysteries, secure from magisterial interference, +or the rude hand of any pious parochial poacher. Start not, gentle +reader; I shall not draw aside the curtain of delicacy, or expose "the +secrets of the prison-house:" it is enough for me to note these scenes +in half tints, and leave the broad effects of light and shadow to the +pencils of those who are amorously inclined and well-practised in giving +the finishing------touch. + +But to return to my friend Transit. Bright Luna tipt with silvery hue +the surrounding clouds, and o'er the face of nature spread her mystic +light; the blue concave of high heaven was illumined by a countless host +of starry meteors, and the soft note of Philomel from the grove came +upon the soul-delighted ear like the sweet breathings of the Eolian +harp, or the celestial cadences of that heart-subduing cherub, Stephens; +when we set out on our romantic excursion. Reader, you may well start at +the introduction of the plural number; but say, what man could abandon +his friend to such a dangerous enterprise? or what moralists refuse his +services where there was such a probability of there being so much need +for them? But we are poor frail mortals; so a truce with apology, or +prithee accept one in the language of Moore: + + "Dear creatures! we can't live without them, + They're all that is sweet and seducing to man; + Looking, sighing, about and about them, + We dote on them, die for them, do all we can." + +To be brief: we found excellent accommodation, and spent the night +pleasantly, free from the sin of single blessedness. Many a choice +anecdote did the Paphian divinities furnish us with of the _gay +well-known_ among the Chelts; stories that will be told again and again +over the friendly bottle, but must not be recorded ~268~~here. Whether +Transit, waking early from his slumbers, was paying his devotions to +Venus or the water-bottle, I know not; but I was awoke by him about +eight in the morning, and heard the loud echo of the huntsman's hallo in +my ear, summoning me to rise and away, for the sons of Nimrod had beset +the house; information which I found, upon looking through the window, +was alarmingly true, but which did not appear either to surprise or +affright the fair occupants of the cottages, who observed, it was only +some of the "Berkeley Hunt going out," (See Plate), who, if they did +not find any where else, generally came looking after a brush in that +neighbourhood. + +[Illustration: page268] + +"Then the best thing we can do," said Transit, "is to brush off, before +they brush up stairs and discover a couple of poachers among their +game." This, however, the ladies would by no means admit, and the +huntsmen quickly riding away, we took our chocolate with the lady abbess +and her nuns, made all matters perfectly pleasant, saluted the fair at +parting, and bade adieu to the Oakland Cottages. + +Upon our return to our inn, we received a good-humoured lecture from +Blackstrap, who was just, as he phrased it, on the wing for Bristol and +Bath, "where" said he, "if you will meet me at old Matthew Temple's, +the Castle Inn, I will engage to give you a hearty welcome, and another +bottle of the old particular;" a proposition that was immediately agreed +to, as the route we had previously determined upon. One circumstance +had, during our sojourn in the west, much annoyed my friend Transit +and myself; we had intended to have been present at the Doncaster +race meeting for 1825, and have booked both the betting men and +their betters. Certainly a better bit of sport could never have been +anticipated, but we were neither of us endowed with ubiquity, and were +therefore compelled to cry content in the west when our hearts and +inclinations were in the ~269~~north. "If now your 'Spirit in the +Clouds,' your merry unknown, he that sometimes shoots off his witty +arrows at the same target with ourselves, should archly suspect that +old Tom Whipcord was not upon the turf, I would venture a cool hundred +against the field, that we should have a report from him, 'ready cut +and dried,' and quite as full of fun and whim as if you had been present +yourself, Master Bernard, aided and assisted by our ally, Tom Whipcord +of Oxford." "Heaven forgive you, Blackmantle, for the sins you have +laid upon that old man's back! You are not content with working him hard +in the 'Annals' every month, but you must make him mount the box +of some of the short stages, and drive over the rough roads of the +metropolis, where he is in danger of having his wheel locked, or meeting +with a regular upset at every turn." Though Bob has given sufficient +proofs of his spirit in danger, I certainly never suspected him to be +possessed of the spirit of divination, and yet his prophetic address +had scarcely concluded before Boots announced a parcel for Bernard +Blackmantle, Esq. forwarded from London, per favour of Mr. Williams. +And, Heaven preserve me from the charge of imposing upon my reader's +credulity! but, as I live, it was his very hand--another sketch by my +attendant sprite, "the Spirit in the Clouds," and to the very tune of +Transit's anticipations, and my wishes. + + + + +A FAMILIAR EPISTLE TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ., + +HUMOROUS DESCRIPTION OF DONCASTER + +RACES, THE GREAT ST. LEGER, HORSES, + +AND CHARACTERS, IN 1825. + +BY AN HONEST REVIEWER, + +ALIAS "The spirit in the clouds."{1} + + "All hail, great master! grave sir, hail! I come + To answer thy best pleasure; be't to fly, + To swim, to dive into the fire, to ride + On the curl'd clouds; to thy strong bidding, task + Ariel, and all his quality. + + Prospero. Why, that's my spirit! + Shakspeare--Tempest. + + "Good morrow to my worthy masters; and a merry Christmas + to you all!"--The Bellman. + + "Mendiei, mimi, balatrones."--Hor. + "Mimics, beggars, and characters of all sorts and sizes." + --Free Translation. + + +My Good Mr. Spy, + +Will you not exclaim, Mercy upon us! here is a text and title as +long and as voluminous as a modern publication, or the sermon of the +fox-hunting parson, who, when compelled to + + 1 See last number of the Spy, Part XXI. p. 273. + +~271~~preach on a saint's day, mounted the pulpit in his sporting +toggery, using his gown as "a cloak of maliciousness?" But have +patience, sweet Spy; be kindly-minded, dear Bernard: like John of Magna +Charta memory, "I have a thing to say;" and do now be a good attentive +Hubert to hear me out. + +"Indeed, since you have inspirited, if not inspired me, by the 'immortal +honour' of dubbing me your 'associate,' I were wanting in common +gratitude not to attempt, by the return of moon, for I believe that +luminary, like your numbers, comes out new every fourth week, to convey +to you the swellings-over of my gratitude for the kind and fine things +you have been pleased to cheer me with; although even yet, though the +time will come, I can neither withdraw my vizor, nor disclose my +'family cognomen.' + +[Illustration: page271] + +It was true, and joy it was 'twas true, that we were at rowings, +sailings, feastings, and dancings together, but how comes it we were +not at the great racings together? that neither you, nor your ministers, +they who, + + "----correspondent to command, + Perform thy spiriting gently----" + +were at the grand muster of the North, the Doncaster meeting? Bernard, I +tell thee all the world was there; from royalty and loyalty down to the +dustman and democracy. Then such "sayings and doings," a million +of hooks could hardly have had an eye to all. You have read of the +confusion of tongues, of "Babel broke loose," of the crusaders' +contributory encampment peopled by dozens of nations; you have seen the +inside of a patent theatre on the first night of a Christmas +pantomime, or mingled in an Opera-house masquerade; have listened to a +Covent-garden squabble, a Billingsgate commotion, or a watch-house +row; but in the whole course of your life, varied as ~272~~it has been, +active as it has proved, you never have, never could have experienced +any thing at all to eclipse or even to equal the "hey, fellow, well +met" congregatory musters, and the "beautiful and elegant confusions" +of Doncaster town in the race week of (September) eighteen hundred and +twenty-five! + +I am not, however, about to inflict upon you a "list of the horses," +nor "the names, weights, and colours of the riders;" but I cannot +help thinking that the English Spy will not have quite completed his +admirable gallery of portraits, and his unique museum of curiosities +for the benefit and delight of posterity, if he omit placing in their +already splendid precincts two or three heads and sketches, which the +genius of notoriety is ready to contribute as her own, and which to +pass over would be as grievous to miss, as Mrs. Waylett's breeches,{2} +characters at the Haymarket Theatre, or a solution of Euclid by one of +Dr. Birkbeck's "operatives." + +Allow me, then, who am not indeed "without vanity," once more to "stand +by your side," or rather for you, and to attempt, albeit I have not your +magic pencil, another taste of my quality, by dashing off _con amore_ +the lions of the North. + + 2 There frequently occur circumstances in a younker's life + which lie never, in all his after career, forgets. I + remember a very worthy and a very handsome old gentlewoman, + the wife of an eminent physician, once being exceedingly + wroth, it was almost the only time I ever knew her seriously + angry, because a nephew of hers asserted all women were, + what in the vulgate is called "knock-knee'd," and almost + threatened to prove the contrary. Had she lived in our days, + the truth, almost on any evening on our stage, might be + ascertained, and I fear not at all to the satisfaction of + the defender of her sex's shape. Nature never intended women + to wear the breeches, and the invention of petticoats was + the triumph of art. Why will Eve's daughters publicly + convince us they are not from top to toe perfect? + +~273~~As, however, some that attend my sitting are quite as difficult +to manage as the conspirators of Prospero's isle, it may be as well if, +like Ariel, I sing to them as I lay on the colours of identification. +Bear in mind still, that I am a "spirit in the clouds," and, therefore, +there can be nothing of "_michin malachi_" in my melody. + + I love a race-course, that I do; + But then, good folks, it is as true, + Only don't blab, I tell it you, + I can't love all its people; + + For though I'm somewhat down and fly, + Is slang gone out, sweet Mister Spy? + Of trade with them I am as shy + As jumping from a steeple. + + Yet what with fashion's feather'd band, + And pawing steeds, and crowded stand; + Its sights are really very grand, + Which to deny were sin. + + But then, though fast the horses run, + Few gain by "clone," and "done," and "done," + For what a damper to the fun! + Those "only laugh who win." + + Oh! what a mixture must we greet + In rooms, at inns, on turf, in street; + Be "hand and glove" with all we meet, + Old files, and new-bronzed faces! + + With marquis, lord, and duke, and squire, + We now keep up the betting fire; + And then the guard of the "Highflyer" + We book at Northern races.{3} + + 3 A song would be no song at all without notes; I must + there-fore try a few. I can assure you they are not mere + humming ones. _Allons_--"all is not gold that glitters," + neither is it all "prunella" that blows a horn upon the + stern of a coach. The "York Highflyer" I really am not to go + down gratis "next jour-ney" for puffing it is a good coach, + and the guard is a good guard, and he ventured a "good bit" + of money on the Leger, and was "floored," for "Cleveland" + was a slow one. However, it didn't balk his three days' + holiday, nor spoil his new coat, nor blight his nosegay. I + saw him after his defeat, looking as rosy as Pistol, and + heard him making as much noise as one; "nor malice domestic + nor foreign levy" could hurt him. + +~274~~ + + Look in that room,{4} judge for yourself; + See what a struggle's made for wealth, + What crushings, bawlings for the pelf, + 'Twixt high heads and low legs. + + That is Lord K----,{5} and that Lord D-----,{5} + That's Gully{6}; yon's fishmonger C;{5} + A octree-man that; that, Harry Lee,{5} + Who stirr'd Mendoza's pegs. + + Or walk up stairs; behold yon board, + Rich with its thrown-down paper hoard, + But oh! abused, beset, adored + By wine-warm'd folks o' nights. + + The playing cog, the paying peer, + Pigeon and Greek alike are here; + And some are clear'd, and others clear; + Ask Bayner,{6} and such wights. + + + 4 The new subscription room; where down stairs more than + the "confusion of tongues" prevails, and above a man's + character, if in-sured, would go under the column of "trebly + hazardous." It is really a pity that hone-racing should + appear so close a neighbour to gambling as it does at + Doncastor. + + 5 My men of letters are not merely alphabet men, but bona + fide characters of consideration upon the turf. I confess + Lord Kennedy is a bit of a favourite of mine, ever since I + saw him so good-natured at the pigeon-shooting matches at + Battersea; and greatly rejoiced was I to find him unplucked + at the more desperate wagerings of the North. He really is + clever in the main, and no subject for St. Luke's, though he + depends much on a bedlamite. Gulley, Crock-ford, and Bland, + need no character; and every body knows Harry Lee fought a + pluck battle with old Dan. But it is "box Harry" with + fighters now. + + 6 Poor Rayner of C. G. T.--hundreds at one fell swoop! all + his morning's winnings gone in one evening's misfortune. Let + him think on't when next he plays "the School of Reform." + +~275~~ + + Nay, thick as plagues of Egypt swarm + These emblems of the devil's charm, + When the fall'n angel works a harm + To Eve's demented brood; + + Worse than of famish'd shark the maw, + Worse than snake's tooth, or tiger's claw, + The gambler's fish{7} spits from its maw + Hell's poison-filled food! + + But, halt! Who're they so deep in port, + Who jostle thus the dons of sport, + With all th' assumed airs of court, + From which indeed they are? + + But not from court of Carlton, + Nor James's Court, nor any one; + But where "the fancy" used to run + To see the creatures spar. + + The one's a diamond, that you see, + But yet a black one I agree, + And in the way of chancery + A smart Ward in his time; + + The other he's from Vinsor down, + And though a great gun in that town, + Has lately been quite basted brown, + And gone off--out of time.{8} + + 7 The spotted ball now, worse in its woe-causing than the + apple of Ida, is disgorged from a splendidly gilded fish. + What a pity it is that the eternal vociforators of "red + wins, black loses," et vice versa, could not be turned into + Jonahs, and their odd fish into a whale, and let all be cast + into the troubled waters (without a three days' redemption) + they brew for others! + + 8 "There never were such times." X Xs, in the ring, and + failures in the Fives Court, overcome us now without our + special wonder; for boxers are become betters to extents + that would make the fathers of the P.R. bless themselves and + bolt. Cannon and Ward were, however, both on the right side, + and the nods with which they honoured their old acquaintance + were certainly improvements upon the style of the academy + for manners in Saint Martin's Street. + +~276~~ + + Look, here's a bevy; who but they! + Just come to make the poor Tykes pay + The charge of post-horses and chay, + That brought them to some tune; + + Lo! Piccadilly Goodered laughs, + As when some novice, reeling, quaffs + His gooseberry wine in tipsy draughts, + At his so pure saloon.{9} + + Good gracious, too! (oh, what a trade + Can oyster sales at night be made!) + Here swallowing wine, like lemonade, + Sits Mrs. H's man{10}! + + And by the Loves and Graces all, + By Vestris' trunks, Maria's shawl, + There trots the nun herself, so tall, + A flirting of a fan, + + And blushing like the "red, red rose," + With paly eyes and a princely nose, + And laced in Nora Crinas clothes, + (Cool, like a cucumber,) + + With beaver black, with veil so green, + And huntress boots 'neath skirt quite clean, + She looks Diana's self--_a quean_, + In habit trimm'd with fur. + + And Mr. Wigelsworth he flew,{11} + And Miss and Mistress W. + To bow and court'sy to the new + Arrival at their Boy; + + 9 "Lightly tread, 'tis hallow'd ground." I dare not go on; + you have been before me, Bernard: (vide vol. i. p. 295, of + Spy). But really it will be worth while for us to look in on + Goodered some fine morning, say three, a.m., when he gets + his print of Memnon home, to which, at Sheardowns, he was so + liberal as to subscribe. He will discourse to you of the + round table! + + 10 "If I stand here, I saw him."--Shakespeare, Hamlet. + + 11 The host of the Black Boy at Doncastor, who really pro- + vided race ordinaries in no ordinary way. + +~277~~ + + Though he was Black, yet she was fair; + And sure I am that nothing there + With that clear nymph could aught compare,12 + Or more glad eyes employ. + +But where there is, after all, but little reason in many of the scenes +witnessed at the period I quote, why should I continue to rhyme about +them? Let it therefore suffice, that with much of spirit there was some +folly, with a good deal of splendour an alloy of dross, and, with real +consequence, a good deal of that which was assumed. Like a showy drama, +the players (there was a goodly company in the north), dresses (they +were of all colours of the rainbow), and decorations (also various and +admirable), during the time of performance, were of the first order; but +that over, and the green and dressing rooms displayed many a hero sunk +into native insignificance, and the trappings of Tamerlane degenerated +to the hungry coat of a Jeremy Diddler (and there were plenty of +"Raising the Wind" professors at Doncaster), or the materiel of the +king and queen of Denmark to the dilapidated wardrobe of Mr. and Mrs. +Sylvester Daggerwood. + +_Mais apropos de le drame, Monsieur L'Espion_, what is your report of +our theatres? Have you seen the monkeys? Are they not, for a classic +stage, grand, + + ----Those happiest smiles + That play'd on her ripe lip, seem'd not to know + What guests were in her eyes, which parted thence + As pearls from diamonds dropt. In brief, + Her room would be a rarity most beloved, + If all could so become it." + + Shakespeare, a little altered. + +I would just say here, that if any disapprove of my picture of the lady, +they may take Bernard Blackmantle's ~278~~_magnifique, et admirable_? +Do they not awake in you visions of rapturous delight, as you contrast +their antics and mimicry, their grotesque and beautiful grimaces, their +cunning leers, with the eye of Garrick, the stately action of Kemble, +the sarcasm of Cooke, the study of Henderson, the commanding port of +Siddons, the fire of Kean, the voice of Young, the tones of O'Neill? +When you see them, as the traveller Dampier has it, "dancing from +tree to tree over your head," and hear them "chattering, and making a +terrible noise," do you not think of Lord Chesterfield, and exclaim, "A +well-governed stage is an ornament to society, an encouragement to wit +and learning, and a school of virtue, modesty, and good manners?" Do you +not feel, when you behold the flesh and blood punch and man-monkey of +Covent Garden Theatre "twist his body into all manner of shapes," or +"Monsieur Gouffe," of the Surrey, "hang himself for the benefit of Mr. +Bradley," that we may pay our money, and "see, and see, and see again, +and still glean something new, something to please, and something to +instruct;" and, lastly, in a fit of enthusiasm, exclaim, + + "To wake the soul by tender strokes of art, + To raise the genius and to mend the heart, + To make mankind in conscious virtue bold, + Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold;" + For this great Jocko's self first leap'd the stage; + For this was puffd in ev'ry well-bribed page, + From evening "Courier" down to Sunday "Age!"{13} + + 13 It is suspicious, to say the least of it, this excess of + praise to an old representation; for, after all, punch, the + original punch, punch in the street, though not so loud, is + ten times more to "our manner born," and much more original. + That the beings who banish legitimate performers should + puff, till we grow sick, a "thing of shreds and patches!" + But "the world is still deceived by ornament." + +~279~~But Charles Kemble pays well on occasions, and gold would make +"Hyperion" of a "satyr." Seriously, Mr. Blackmantle, the town is overrun +with monkeys; they are as busy, and as importunate, as Lady Montague's +boys on May day, or the Guy Fawkes representatives on the fifth of +November. They are "here, there, and every where," and the baboon +monopolists of Exeter 'Change and the Tower are ruined by the +importation:--a free trade in the article with the patentees of our +classic theatres, as the purchasing-merchants, has done the business for +Mr. Cross and the beef-eaters. Like the Athenian audience, the "thinking +people" of England are more pleased with the mimic than the real voice +of nature; and the four-footed puggys of the Brazils, like the true pig +of the Grecian, are cast in the shade by their reasoning imitator! +In short, not to be prosy on a subject which has awakened poetry and +passion in all, hear, as the grave-diggers say, "the truth on't."{13} + + When winter triumph'd o'er the summer's flame, + And C. G. opened, Punchinello came; + Each odd grimace of monkey-art he drew, + Exhausted postures and imagined new: + The stage beheld him spurn its bounded reign, + And frighten'd fiddlers scraped to him in vain; + His seven-leagued leaps so well the fashion fit, + That all adore him--boxes, gallery, pit,{14} + + 13 It is suspicious, to say the least of it, this excess of + praise to an old representation; for, after all, punch, the + original punch, punch in the street, though not so loud, is + ten times more to "our manner born," and much more original. + That the beings who banish legitimate performers should + puff, till we grow sick, a "thing of shreds and patches!" + But "the world is still deceived by ornament." + + 14 One Dr. Samuel Johnson has something like this, but then + his lines were in praise of a "poor player," of a man who + wasted much paper in writing dramas now thought nothing of. + This is his doggrel. + +~280~~But I must have done. Christmas will soon be here, and "I have a +journey, sirs, shortly to go" to be prepared for its delights, and to +fit myself for its festivities; and yet I am unwilling, acute Bernard, +merry Echo, cheerful Eglantine, correct Transit, to "shake hands and +part," without tendering the coming season's congratulations; so if it +like you, dear spies o' the time, I will, like the swan, go off singing. + + Marching along with berried brow, + And snow flakes on his "frosty pow," + See father Christmas makes his bow, + And proffers jovial cheer; + + About him tripping to and fro, + Picking the holly as they go, + And kiss-allowing misletoe, + His merry elves appear. + + Then broach the barrel, fill the bowl, + And let us pledge the hearty soul, + Though swift the waning minutes roll, + And time will stay for none; + + Lads, we will have a gambo still, + For though we've made the foolish feel, + And shamed the sinner in his ill, + Our withers are unwrung. + + + "When learning's triumph o'er her barb'rous foes + First rear'd the stage, immortal Skakspeare rose; + Each change of many-colour'd life he drew, + Exhausted worlds, and then imagined new; + + Existence saw him spurn her bounded reign, + And panting Time toil'd after him in vain: + His powerful strokes presiding truth impress'd, + And unresisted passion storm'd the breast." + +~281~~ + + No poison in the cup have ye, + In all your travell'd history, + Pour'd for the hearty, good, and free; + This will your book evince: + + So "here's the King!"fill, fill for him, + Then for our Country, to the brim; + With it, good souls, we'll sink or swim. + Huzzah! 'tis gall'd jades wince! + + But now, adieu; o'er hill and plain + I scud, ere we shall meet again; + Meantime, all prosp'rous be your reign, + And friends attend in crowds; + + Before your splendid course is o'er, + And Blackmantle shall please no more, + You'll know, though yet I'm doom'd to soar, + Your Spirit in the Clouds.{15}" + + November, 1825. + +Adieu, thou facetious sprite, and may the graybeard Time tread lightly +on thy buoyant spirits! Meet thee or not hereafter, thou shalt live in +my remembrance a cherished name, long as memory holds her influence o'er +the eccentric mind of Bernard Blackmantle. Here, too, must Transit +and myself take a farewell of merry Cheltenham, ever on the wing for +novelty: our sketches have been brief, but full of genuine character; +nor can they, as I hope, be considered in any instance as violating our +established rule--of being true to nature, without offending the ear of +chastity, or exciting aught but + + 15 "A. word to the wise," &c. Get honest "Tom Whipcord" to + take you by his hand on Valentine's night to the "noctes" + muster of the _Sporting Annals_ gents. You will know me by a + brace of "bleeding hearts" in my plaited neckerchief, and a + blue bunch of ribbons in my sinister side, as big as the + Herald newspaper, the gifts of my lady-love. + +~282~~the approving smile of the lovers of mirth, and the patrons of +life's merriments. We had intended to have drawn aside the curtain of +the theatre and the castle, and have shown forth to the gaze of the +public the unhallowed mysteries which are sometimes performed there; but +reflection whispered, that morality might find more cause to blush at +the recital than her attendants would benefit by the exposure; and is is +lamentably true, that some persons would cheerfully forfeit all claim +to respectability of character for the honour of appearing in print, +depicted in their true colours, as systematic and profligate seducers. +To disappoint this infamous ambition, more than from any fear of the +threatened consequences, we have left the sable colonel and his dark +satellites to grope on through the murky ways of waywardness and +intrigue, without staining our pages with a full relation of their +heartless conduct, since to have revived the now forgotten tales might +have given additional pain to some beauteous victims whose fair names +have dropped into Lethe's waters, like early spring flowers nipped by +the lingering hand of slow-paced winter; or, in other instances, have +disturbed the repose of an unsuspecting husband, or have stung the +aged heart of a doting parent--evils we could not have avoided, had +we determined upon rehearsing the love scenes and intrigues of certain +well-known Cheltenham amateurs. + + Adieu, merry Chelts! we're for quitting our quarters; + Adieu to the chase, to thy walks and thy waters, + To thy hunt, ball, and theatre, and card tables too, + And to all thy gay fair ones, a long, long adieu! + + Blackmantle and Transit, the Spy and his friend, + Through Gloucester and Bristol, to Bath onward bend. + To show how amused they have been in your streets, + They give you, at parting, this man of sweetmeats; + + A character, famous as Mackey, the dandy, + The London importer of horehound and candy; + The cheapest of doctors, whose nostrums dispense + A cure for all ills that affect taste or sense, + + I doubt not quite as good as one half your M.D.'s, + Though sweet is the physic and simple the fees; + This, at least, you'll admit, as we dart from your view + That our vignette presents you with a sweet adieu! + + + + +A VISIT TO GLOUCESTER AND BERKELEY. + + Sketches on the Mood--Singular Introduction to an old + Friend--A Tithe Cause tried--A strange Assemblage of + Witnesses--Traits of Character--Effects of the Farmers' + Success--An odd Cavalcade--Rejoicings at Berkeley. + +~284~~The road from Cheltenham to Gloucester affords a good view of the +Cotswold and Stroudwater Hills, diversified by the vales of Evesham, +Gloucester, and Berkeley, bounded on the east by the Severn, and +presenting in many situations a very rich picturesque appearance. We +are not of the dull race who dwell on musty records and ancient +inscriptions, or travel through a county to collect the precise date +when the first stone of some now moss-crowned ruin was embedded in +the antique clay beneath. Let the dead sleep in peace; we are not +_anti-queer-ones_ enough to wish the mouldering reliques of our +ancestors arrayed in chronological order before our eyes, nor do we mean +to risk our merry lives in exploring the monastic piles and subterranean +vaults and passages of other times. No; our office is with the living, +with the enriched Gothic of modern courts, and the finished Corinthian +capitals of society, illustrating, as we proceed, with choice specimens +of the rustic and the grotesque; now laughing over our wine with the +Tuscan bacchanal, or singing a soft tale of love in the ear of some +chaste daughter of the composite order; ~285~~trifling perhaps a little +harmless badinage with a simple Ionic, or cracking a college joke with a +learned Doric; never troubling our heads, or those of our readers, about +the origin or derivation of these orders, whether they came from early +Greece or more accomplished Home; or be their progenitors of Saxon, +Norman, Danish, or of Anglo-Saxon character, we care not; 'tis ours +to depict them as they at present appear, leaving to the profound +topographers and compilers of county histories all that relates to the +black letter lore of long forgotten days. + +Gloucester is proverbial for its dulness, and from the dirty appearance +of the streets and houses, was, by my friend Transit, denominated the +black city; a designation he maintained to be strictly correct, since it +has a cathedral, a bishop, and a black choir of canonicals, and was +from earliest times the residence of a black brotherhood of monks, whose +black deeds are recorded in the black letter pages of English history; +to which was added another confirmatory circumstance, that upon our +entrance it happened the assizes for the county had just commenced, and +the black gowns of Banco Regis, and of the law, were preparing to try +the blacks of Gloucestershire, out of which arose a black joke, that +will long be remembered by the inhabitants of Berkeley, and the tenantry +of the sable colonel. + +We had made our domicile at the Ham Inn, by the recommendation of our +Cheltenham host, where we met with excellent accommodations, and what, +beside, we could never have anticipated to have met with in such a +place, one of the richest scenes that had yet presented itself in the +course of our eccentric tour. + +The unusual bustle that prevailed in every department of the inn, +together with a concatenation of sounds now resembling singing and +speaking, and the occasional scraping of some ill-toned violins above +our heads, induced us to make a few inquisitive ~286~~remarks to mine +host of the Ham, that quickly put us in possession of the following +facts. + +It appeared, that a suit respecting the right of the vicar of Berkeley +to the great tithes of that town had been long pending in the court of +Chancery, in which the reverend was opposed to his former friend, the +colonel, the churchwardens of Berkeley, and the whole of the surrounding +tenantry. Now this cause was, by direction of the Lord Chancellor, to +be tried at these assizes, and, in consequence, the law agents had been +most industrious in bringing together, by subpoena, all the ancient +authorities of the county, the aged, the blind, and the halt, to give +evidence against their worthy pastor; and as it is most conducive to +success in law, the keeping witnesses secure from tampering, and in +good-humour with the cause, the legal advisers had prepared such festive +cheer at the Bam, for those of the popular interest, as would have done +honour to the colonel's banquet at the castle. Such was the information +we obtained from our host, to whose kind introduction of us to the +lawyers we were afterwards indebted for a very pleasant evening's +amusement. + +We were ushered into the room by one of the legal agents as two +gentlemen from London, who, being strangers in the place, were desirous +of being permitted to spend their evening among such a jovial society. +The uproarious mirth, and rude welcome, with which this communication +was received by the company, added to the clouds of smoke which +enveloped their chairman, prevented our immediate recognition of him; but +great and pleasant indeed was our surprise to find the most noble, the +very learned head of the table, to be no other than our old Eton _con._ +little Dick Gradus, to whose lot it had fallen to conduct this action, +and defend the interests of the agriculturalists against the mercenary +encroachments of the church militant. This was indeed no common cause; +and the greatest difficulty ~287~~our friend Gradus had to encounter +was the restricting within due bounds of moderation the over-zealous +feelings of his witnesses. It was quite clear a parson's tithes, if left +to the generosity of his parishioners, would produce but a small modicum +of his reverence's income. The jovial farmer chuckled with delight +at the prospect of being able to curtail the demands of his canonical +adversary. "Measter Carrington," said he, "may be a very good zort of +a preacher, but I knows he has no zort of business with tithing my +property; and if zo be as the gentleman judge will let me, gad zooks! +but I will prove my words, better than he did the old earl's marriage, +when he made such a fool of himsel' before the peers in parliament." +"That's your zort, measter Tiller," resounded from all the voices round +the table. "Let the clergy zow for themselves, and grow for themselves, +as the varmers do; what a dickens should we work all the week for the +good of their bodies, when they only devote one hour in the whole seven +days for the benefit of our zouls?" "That's right, Measter Coppinger," +said some one next to the speaker; "you are one hundred years of age, +and pray how many times have you heard the parson preach?" "I never zeed +him in his pulpit in the whole courze of my life; but then you know that +were my fault, I might if I would; but I'ze been a main close attendant +upon the church for all that: during the old earl's lifetime, I was a +sort of deputy huntsman, and then the parson often followed me; and when +I got too old to ride, I was made assistant gamekeeper, and then I very +often followed the parson; so you zee I'ze a true churchman, every inch +of me; only I don't like poaching, and when his reverence wants me to +help him sack his tithes, old Jack Coppinger will tell him to his head, +he may e'en carry the bag himself." "A toast from the chair! Let's +hear the lawyer' zentiments on this zubject," said another; with which +request Gradus complied, by giving, "May he who ~288~~ploughs and plants +the soil reap all its fruits!" "Ay, Measter Gradus, that is as it should +be," reiterated a farmer on his right, "zo I'll give you, 'The varmers +against the parsons,' and there's old Tom Sykes yonder, the thatcher, he +will give you a zong about the 'tithe pig and the tenth child,' a main +good stave, I do azzure you." A request which the old thatcher most +readily complied with, to the great delight of all present; for +independent of his dialect, which was of the true rich west-country +character, there was considerable wit and humour in the song, and +an archness of manner in the performer, that greatly increased the +good-humour of the society. In this way the evening was spent very +pleasantly; and as the cause was to come on the first thing on the +ensuing morning, Transit and myself determined to await the issue, +anticipating that, if our merry-hearted companions, the rustics, should +be successful, there would be no lack of merriment, and some exhibition +of good sport both for the pen and pencil. + +We had strayed after breakfast to view the cathedral, which is very well +worthy the attention of the curious, and certainly contains some very +ancient relics of the great and the good of earliest times. On our +return, the deafening shouts of the multitude, who were congregated +outside the Sessions House, proclaimed a favourable verdict for the +farmers, who, in the excess of their joy at having beaten their +reverend adversary, gave loose to the most unrestrained expressions +of exultation: a messenger was immediately despatched to Berkeley to +convey, express, the glad tidings; and the head farmers of the parish, +with whom were the church-wardens, determined to commemorate their +victory by roasting a bullock whole on the brow of the hill which +overlooked their vicar's residence, and for the preparation of which +festivity they also sent their instructions. The next grand point was, +how to ~289~~convey the witnesses, who were very numerous, to the scene +of action, a distance of eighteen miles. To have despatched them in +post-chaises, could they have found a sufficient number in Gloucester, +was neither in accordance with economy, nor with the wishes of the +parties themselves, who were very anxious to have a grand procession, +and enjoy themselves as they went along in smoking, singing, drinking, +and proclaiming their triumph to their neighbours and friends. Mine +hostess of the Ram, with every female in her establishment, had been, +from the moment the verdict was given to the departure of the group, +busily engaged in making large blue favours, of the colonel's colour, +to decorate the hats of the visitors, until Mr. Boots arrived with the +dismaying intelligence, that not another yard of riband, of the colour +required, could be obtained in all the city of Gloucester. With equal +industry and perseverance the host himself had put in requisition every +species of conveyance that he could muster, which was calculated to +suit the views of the parties, and form a grand cavalcade; without much +attention to the peculiar elegance of the vehicles, to be sure, but with +every arrangement for social comfort. It had been decided that my friend +Transit and myself should accompany Richard Gradus, Esq. the solicitor +to the fortunate defendants, in a post coach in front, preceded by +four of mine host's best horses, with postillions decorated with blue +favours, and streamers flying from the four corners of the carriage; and +now came the marshalling of the procession to follow. + +[Illustration: page289] + +One of the colonel's hay vans had been supplied with seats, lengthwise, +in which the first division of farmers placed themselves, not, however, +forgetting to take in a good supply of ale and pipes with them; next in +order was one of the old-fashioned double-bodied stages, which had not +been cleaned, or out of the coach-yard, for twenty years before, and +both in the ~290~~inside and on the roof of which the more humble +rustics and farmers' labourers were accommodated: this vehicle was drawn +by four cart horses, of the roughest description; the rear of the whole +being brought up by a long black funeral hearse, with three horses, +unicorn fashion, on the roof of which the men sate sidewise, while the +interior was, by Gradus's orders, well filled with casks of the best +Gloucester ale. About a dozen of the farmers, on horseback, rode by the +side of the vehicles; and in this order, with the accompaniment of a +bugle in the hay van, and a couple of blind fiddlers scraping on the +centre of the roof of the hearse, did we sally forth in most grotesque +order, amid the joyous acclamations of the multitude, on our way to +Berkeley, every countenance portraying exultation and good-humour, and +every where upon the road meeting with a corresponding welcome. A more +humorous or whimsical procession cannot well be imagined, men, animals, +and vehicles being perfectly unique. By the time we had reached our +destination, the potent effects of the Gloucester ale, added to the +smoking and vociferous expressions of joy that attended us throughout, +had left very few of our rustic friends without the visible and outward +signs of their inward devotions to the jolly god. On our arrival near to +Berkeley, we were met by crowds of the joyous inhabitants, and proceeded +onward to the spot selected for the festive scene, where we found the +bullock already roasting on the top of the hill, and where also they had +pitched a tent, and brought some small cannon, with which they fired +a _feu de joie_ on our arrival, taking special care to point their +artillery in the direction of the vicar's residence. On the opposite +side of the road was the church; and it is not a little singular, that +the steeple, belfry, and tower are completely detached from the body of +the building. The vicar, dreading the riotous joy of his parishioners +upon ~291~~this occasion, had locked up the church, and issued his +mandate to the wardens to prevent a merry peal; but these persons +insisting that as the church was detached from the belfry, the vicar had +no authority over it, they directed the ringers to give them a triple +bob major, which canonical music was merrily repeated at intervals, +to the great dismay of the parson, who, over and above the loss he was +likely to sustain in his future interests, had by this defect suffered +under a legal expenditure of some thousands of pounds. The colonel did +not show, perhaps from prudential motives of respect to his old friend, +but his agents were well instructed in their duty, and there was no +lack of a plentiful supply of provision and ale for his tenantry to make +right merry with. Thus ended our trip to Berkeley, where, after taking +a view of the castle on the following morning, and surveying the +delightful scenery with which that most ancient building is surrounded, +we bade adieu to our friend Gradus, and mounted the Cheltenham coach, as +it passed through, on our way to Bristol. + +[Illustration: page291] + +[Illustration: page292] + + + + +A DAY IN BRISTOL. + + A Glance at the Bristolians--Their Pursuits and + Characteristics--The London Mail--A Walk to the Hot Wells + and Clifton--Blackmantle and Transit start for the + Territories of King Bladud. + +~292~~The worthy Bristolians must not feel offended if we pass them +by rather briefly; had ours been a tour of business, connected with +commercial pursuit instead of a search after whim and character, we +should no doubt have found materials enough to have filled a dozen +chapters; but such pursuits are foreign to the eccentric volumes of +the English Spy, whose sole aim is humour, localized, and embracing +characteristic scenes. Such is the above sketch, which struck Transit +and myself, as we took a stroll down Bridge-street while our breakfast +was preparing at the White Hart; it was a bit of true life, and cannot +fail to please: but, after all, Bristol resembles London so closely, at +least the ~293~~eastern part of the metropolis, that although we saw +much that would have been worthy the attention of the antiquary and +the curious in their several churches and museums, or might, with great +advantage, have been transferred to the note book of the topographer, +yet we met with none of that peculiar whimsical character that +distinguishes the more fashionable places of resort. The sole object of +the Bristolians is trade, and every face you meet with has a ledger-like +countenance, closely resembling the calculating citizen of London, whose +every thought is directed to the accumulation of wealth, by increased +sales of merchandize, or the overreaching his neighbour in taking the +first advantage of the market. + +[Illustration: page293] + +The arrival of the London mail, which comes in about ten o'clock in the +morning, afforded Transit another opportunity of picking up what little +of character there was to be found. At Bristol there is always a great +anxiety to obtain the London news and price current; so much so, that +the leading merchants and others assemble in front of the Post-office, +which also joins the Exchange, to wait the arrival of the mail (see +Plate), and receive the letters of advice which are to regulate their +concerns. It is but justice to add, there is no place in the kingdom of +the same distance to which the conveyance is quicker, and the facility +of delivery more promptly attended to. After breakfast we took a stroll +round the docks, and then bent our steps towards the heights, and along +the delightful walk which leads to the Hot Wells and Clifton. + +To attempt a just description of the magnificent and romantic scenery +which surrounds Clifton, as it is viewed from the Downs, would occupy +more space than our limits will allow us to devote to the beauties of +landscape; and would, besides, interfere with an intention which Transit +and myself have in view at some future period of our lives, namely, +the making a topographical and characteristic tour through the United +Kingdoms, which being divided into counties, ~294~~and embracing not +only the historical and the picturesque, will be enlivened by all the +humorous vagaries, eccentric characters, and peculiar sports of each, +written in a colloquial style; and embracing the lingual localisms, +proverbs, and provincialisms of the inhabitants: thus producing a +humorous but most correct view of the present state of society and +manners. The materials for such a work have gradually presented +themselves during the progress of the present eccentric volumes; but, as +our object here has been good-humoured satire joined to comic sketches +of existing persons and scenes, more in the way of anecdote than +history, we hope to meet with the same kind friends in a more extended +work, among those who have journeyed onwards with us through two +years--pleasantly we must suppose, by their continued support; and +profitably, we are gratefully bound to acknowledge, to all parties +interested. An early dinner at Clifton, and a pleasant walk back by the +terrace-road, brought us once more into the busy streets of Bristol, +where after sauntering away the time until five o'clock, we mounted a +Bath coach, and started forwards with a fresh impetus, and much promise +of amusement, to explore the territories of King Bladud. + +[Illustration: page294] + +[Illustration: page295] + + + + +SKETCHES IN BATH. + +~235~~ + + First View of the elegant City--Meeting with Old Blackstrap + --Domicile at the Castle Tavern--Matthew and Mrs. Temple + worthy Characters--Sportsmans Hall--Bath Heroes of the Turf + the Ring, and the Chace--Portraits and Peculiarities drawn + from the Life. + + May I ne'er flutter in the thoughtless train + With fashion's elves, the giddy, and the vain; + May I ne'er stroll again with Milsom swells + To Tully's shop, or lounge with pump-room belles; + May I no more to Sidney Gardens stray, + If, Bath, I wrong thee in my hum'rous lay. + Court of King Blad', where crescents circling rise + Above each other till they reach the skies; + And hills o'er-topping with their verdant green + The Abbey Church, are in the distance seen: + +~296~~Where inns invite ye, and where lodgings smile A ready welcome to +some Grecian pile; Where chairmen wait ye, ready to attend And box ye up +upon your latter end; Where summer breezes on Hygeia wait, And cards and +fashion hold their courts of state. Hither we're come to Bath, to spy +and tell What reigning follies mark the beau and belle; What stars +eccentric move within thy sphere, Or who's the greatest lion of the +year. "Have at ye all," we satirists give no quarter; Yet shall our +mirth prove grateful as Bath water. + +The distant appearance, or first glimpse of the city of Bath, is enough +to impress a stranger with the most favourable opinions of the place. +The regularity of the streets, and the tasteful character of the +architecture of the principal buildings, are certainly superior to that +of any other place of public resort in England; added to which, there is +an attention to cleanliness apparent in the costume of the lower classes +that is not so conspicuous in other places. "Blest source of health! +seated on rising ground, With friendly hills by nature guarded round; +From eastern blasts and sultry south secure, The Air's balsamic, and the +soil is pure." Surrounded by delightful scenery, and guarded from the +piercing north winds by the hilly barriers of nature, the spot +seems above all others best calculated to restore the health of the +valetudinarian, whose constitution has become shattered and infirm by +a course of fashionable dissipation, or a lengthened residence in the +pestilential climates of the Indies. "Sweet Bath! the liveliest city of +the land; Where health and pleasure ramble hand in hand, Where smiling +belles their earliest visit pay, And faded maids their lingering blooms +delay. Delightful scenes of elegance and ease! Realms of the gay, where +every sport can please." ~297~~Thus sings the Bath poet, Bayly; who, +if he is somewhat too servile an imitation of Moore in his style, has +certainly more of originality in his matter than generally distinguishes +poems of such a local nature. One of the greatest characters in the +city of Bath was the worthy host of our hotel, the Castle; at whose door +stood the rubicund visage of our Cheltenham friend, Blackstrap, ready to +give us a hearty welcome, and introduce us to Matthew Temple, who making +one of his best bows, led the way into the coffee-room, not forgetting +to assure us that Mistress Temple, who was one of the best women in the +world, would take the greatest care that we had every attention paid to +our commands and comforts; and, in good truth, honest Matthew was right, +for a more comely, good-humoured, attentive, kind hostess exists not in +the three kingdoms of his Gracious Majesty George the Fourth. In short, +Mrs. Temple is the major-domo of the Castle, while honest Matthew, +conscious of his own inability to direct the active operations of the +garrison within doors, beats up for recruits without; attends to all +the stable duty and the commissariat, keeps a sharp look-out for new +arrivals by coach, and a still sharper one that no customer departs +without paying his bill; and thus having made his daily bow to the inns +and the outs, honest Matthew retires at night to take his glass of grog +with the choice spirits who frequent Sportsman's Hall, a snug little +smoking room on the left of the gateway, where the heroes of the turf +and the lads of the fancy nightly assemble to relate their sporting +anecdotes, sing a merry chaunt, book the long odds, and blow a friendly +cloud in social intercourse and good fellowship. + +I do not know that it matters much at what end of Bath society I +commence my sketches; and experience has taught me, that the more +fashionable frivolities of high life seldom present the same opportunity +for the ~298~~study of character, which is to be found in the merry, +open-hearted, mirthful meetings of the medium classes and the lower +orders. The pleasure we had felt in Blackstrap's society at Cheltenham, +induced us to engage him to dine in the coffee-room, with our early +friends Heartly and Eglantine, both of whom being then at Bath, we had +invited to meet us, in the expectation that Dick Gradus, having arranged +his legal affairs at Berkeley, would, by the dinner hour, arrive to join +such a rare assemblage of old Eton _cons_--a gratification we had the +pleasure to experience; and never did the festive board resound with +more pleasant reminiscences from old friends: the social hour fled +gaily, and every fresh glass brought its attendant joke. Heartly and +Eglantine had, we found, been sufficiently long in Bath to become very +able instructors to Transit and myself in all that related to the haute +class, and old Barnaby Blackstrap was an equally able guide to every +description of society, from the mediums down to the strange collections +of vagrant oddities which are to be found in the back Janes and suburbs +of the city of Bath. It has been well said, in a spirited reply to the +Reverend Mr. Ek--r--s--l's illiberal satire, entitled "The Bath Man," +that "London has its divisions of good and bad sets as well as Bath; +nay, every little set has its lower set; Bank looks down contemptuously +upon wealth; those who are asked to Carlton Palace cut the muligatawny +set; the ancient aristocracy call law-lords and _parvenues_ a bad set; +and so downward through the whole scale of society, from Almack's to a +sixpenny hop, 'still in the lowest deep a lower deep,' and human pride +will ever find consolation that there is something to be found beneath +it. Plain men, accustomed to form their notions of good and evil on +more solid foundations than grades of fashionable distinctions, will +not consent to stigmatize as bad any class of society because there may +happen to ~299~~be a class above it." And what better apology could we +desire for our eccentric rambles through every grade of Bath society? +with us every set has its attractions, and I have known my friend +Transit cut a nobleman and half a dozen honourables for the delightful +gratification of enjoying the eccentricities of a beggars' club, and +being enabled to sketch from the life the varied exhibition of passion +and character which such a meeting would afford him. It will not, +therefore, create any surprise in my readers, that our first evening in +Bath should have been devoted to the social pipe; the pleasant account +Blackstrap gave us of the sporting party, in Matthew Temple's snuggery, +induced us to adjourn thither in the evening, where we might enjoy life, +smoke our cigars, join a little chaffing about the turf and the ring, +sip our punch and grog, enjoy a good chaunt, and collect a little +character for the pages of the English Spy. To such as are fond of these +amusements, most heartily do I recommend a visit to the Sporting Parlour +at the Castle, where they will not fail to recognise many of the jovial +characters represented in the opposite page; and as old Time pays no +respect to worth and mellow-hearted mortals, but in his turn will mow +down my old friend Matthew and his merry companions, I am desirous to +perpetuate their memory by a song, which will include all of note who +upon this occasion joined the festive scene. + +[Illustration: page300] + + + + +SPORTSMAN'S HALL. + +A SCENE AT THE CASTLE. + +~300~~ + + Come all you gay fellows, so merry and witty, + Ye Somerset lads of the elegant city, + Ye sons of the turf who delight in a race, + And ye Nimrods of Bath who are fond of the chase; + Come join us, and pledge us, like true brothers all, + At old Matthew Temple's, the Castle and Ball. + + Will Partridge, the father of sports, in the chair, + With honest George Wingrove will welcome you there, + While Handy, who once on two horses could ride, + And merry Jack Bedford will meet you beside; + Then for sport or for spree, or to keep up the ball, + We've an excellent fellow, you'll own, in Bill Hall. + +~301~~ + + Captain Beaven, a yeoman of merry renown, + Will keep up the joke with the gay ones from town, + While, if you'd go off in a canter or speed, + You've only to take a few lessons with Mead; + Then Sharland can suit every beau to a T, + So haste to the Castle, ye lovers of glee. + + Sweet Margerim, clerk of the course, will be found + With any young sportsman to trot o'er the ground, + Though his Honesty, since at Wells races 'twas tried, + It must be admitted, has bolted aside; + The Newcombe's are good at all sports in the ring, + While, like Chanticleer, Hunt the Cocker will sing. + + Jack Langley, the fam'd 'Squire Western of Bath, + A jolly fox-hunter, who's fond of a laugh, + With mellow Tom Williams, of Brewers a pair, + Are the bacchanals form'd for to banish dull care; + Then haste to the Castle, ye true merry sprites, + Where the song, and the chase, and the fancy delights. + + Give a host more to name of the jovial and free, + That my song would extend till to-morrow d'ye see: + But a truce to particulars; take them all round, + There's nothing in Bath like themselves to be found; + Where harmony, friendship, and mirth can combine, + The pleasures of life with kind hearts and good wine. + +And in good truth, there is no place within the dominions of King +Bladud, where the social man can find more cheerful companions, the +sporting man more kindred spirits, and the lovers of the characteristic +and the humorous meet with a greater variety of genuine eccentricity, +unalloyed with any baser or offensive material. Matthew Temple himself +is a great original, pure Somerset, perfectly good-natured, ever ready +to oblige, and although for many years the commander-in-chief of the +Castle, is yet in all the chicanery of his + +~302~~ + +profession, and the usual obtrusiveness of a landlord, as unlike the +generality of his brethren as a raw recruit is to an effective soldier. +Old Master William Partridge is also worthy of notice as the father of +the turf, and then if you would ride to hounds, no man in Bath can mount +you better, or afford you such good corn, great attentions, and a warm +stall for a prime hack. Rich in anecdote, and what is still better, with +a charitable purse and a worthy heart, there are few men who have earned +for themselves more respect in this life, or deserve it better, than +William Handy, Esq. the once celebrated equestrian, who having realized +a handsome competency, retired, some years since, to Bath, to enjoy his +_otium cum dignitate_: here, at an advanced age, with all the spirits +of youth, and a lively interest in every thing relating to sporting, you +will meet with the character I have described; and, take my word for +it, will not be disappointed in the likeness. Among the bon vivants of +Sportsmans' Hall I must not omit that care-killing soul Captain Beaven, +whose easy flow of good-humour and love of good sport is not less +conspicuous than his love for a pretty lass, and his delight in a good +song and a cheerful glass. Honest George Wingrove, a wealthy baker, +and the patriarch of the room, will never prove a crusty customer, I +am sure; and if that good-looking fellow Mead, the riding-master, does +sometimes "o'erstep the modesty of nature" in his mode of addressing +his pupils, adopting the familiar style of addressing them by their +christian name--as, for instance, "set upright, Sally; more forward, +Eliza; keep your rein-hand more square, Ellen;" and soon; he +hath, however, yet many good points that amply compensate for this +perverseness of habit. Among the genuine good ones, the real thing, as +the sporting phrase has it, not a biped in Bath beats Tom Williams, who, +agreeable to our Eton Gradus, is good at every thing: a more jovial, +worthy-hearted, respected soul breathes not within the merry court +of King Bladud, and very ~303~~few there that can rival him in a good +horse, a long run, or as a lively companion. Tom is married to the +sister of Bartley, the comedian, and carries with him into private life +the estimation which ever attends him in public. For a rum story, a +bit of real life, or a roguish joke, who shall excel Jack Bedford? And +then, if your honour would knock the balls about, why "Jack's the +lad" to accommodate you. And little Bill Hall, who keeps the Kingston +billiard-rooms, will be most happy to make his best bow to you without +any view to the mace. But, i' faith, I am sketching away here in +Sportsman's Hall at old Matthew Temple's, and could continue so to do +for another chapter; forgetting, as Transit says, that we have yet to +traverse the whole city of Bath through, spying into the vagaries and +varieties of the more polished, and taking a slight occasional glance +at the lowest grade of society, in order to diversify and keep up the +chiaroscuro of our pictures. + +[Illustration: page303] + +Merry reader, for such I hope thou art, we have now travelled on for +nearly two years together; and many a varied scene in life's pilgrimage +have we set before you, from the gilded dome of royalty to the humble +shed of the Emeralder; but our visit to Bath will afford you a richer +treat than aught that has yet preceded it. It was when the party broke +up at Temple's, and that was not before the single admonition of old +father Time had sounded his morning bell, that a few _bon vivants_ +of the Castle, accompanied by the English Spy and his merry friends, +sallied forth in quest of strange adventure; for it must be admitted, +that in the elegant city + + "Candles and ladies' eyes oft shine most bright, + When both should be extinguish'd for the night." + +A fancy ball at the Upper Rooms on this night had attracted all the +elegance, fashion, and beauty to be found within the gay circle of +pleasure, and thither ~304~~we bent our steps, having first provided +ourselves with the necessary introductions. The scene above all others +in the fascination of gay life and the display of female charms is +a fancy ball; a species of entertainment better suited to the modest +character of our countrywomen than the masquerade, and, in general, much +better liked in this country, where the masked entertainment, unless in +private, is always avoided by females of rank and character. One of +the most amusing scenes which first presented itself to our notice +on approaching the entrance to the rooms was the eager anxiety and +determined perseverance of the liveried Mercuries and Bath dromedaries, +alias chairmen, to procure for their respective masters and mistresses +a priority of admission; an officious zeal that was often productive of +the most ludicrous circumstances, and, in two or three instances, as far +as indispensable absence from the pleasures of the night could operate, +of the most fatal effects. A well-known city beau, who had been at +considerable expense in obtaining from London the splendid dress of a +Greek prince, was completely upset and rolled into the kennel by his +chairmen running foul of a sedan, in which Lord Molyneaux and his +friend Lord Ducie had both crammed themselves in the dress of Tyrolese +chieftains. The Countess of D--------, who personated Psyche, in +attempting to extricate herself from an unpleasant situation, in +which the obstinacy of her chairmen had placed her, actually had her +glittering wings torn away, unintentionally, from her shoulders by the +rude hand of a Bath rustic, whose humanity prompted him to attempt her +deliverance. Old Lady L--------, in the highest state of possible alarm, +from feeling her sedan inclining full twenty degrees too much to the +right, popped her head up, and raising the top part of the machine, +screamed out most piteously for assistance, and on drawing it back +~305~~again, tore off her new head-dress, and let her false front shut +in between the flap of the chair, by which accident, all the beautiful +Parisian curls of her ladyship were rendered quite flat and +uninteresting. An old gentleman of fortune, who was suffering under +hypochondriacal affection, and had resolved to attempt Sir John +Falstaff, received the end of a sedan pole plump in his chest, by which +powerful application he was driven through the back part of the machine, +and effectually cured of "_la maladie imaginaire_" by the acuteness of a +little real pain. The flambeau of a spruce livery servant setting fire +to the greasy tail of a Bath chairman's surtout produced a most awkward +_rencontre_, by which a husband and wife, who had not been associated +together for some years, but were proceeding to the ball in separate +chairs, were, by the accidental concussion of their sedans in a moment +of alarm, actually thrown into each other's arms; and such was the +gallantry of the gentleman, that he marched into the ball-room bearing +up the slender frame of his heretofore forsaken rib, to whom he from +that time has become reunited. The lady mayoress of the city was +excessively indignant on finding her preeminence of _entree_ disputed by +the wife of a Bristol butcher; while the chair of the master of the +ceremonies was for some time blocked in between the sedans of two old +tabbies, whose expressions of alarm, attempts at faintings, and little +flights of scandal, had so annoyed the poor M. C. that when he entered +the ball-room, he felt as irritable as a tantalized lover between two +female furies. In short, the scene was rich in amusement for the group +of merry hearts who had left the Castle in quest of adventure; and while +we were enjoying the ludicrous effects produced by the jostling of the +sedans, my friend Transit had sketched the affair in his usual happy +style, and designated it thus: ~306~ + + + + +THE BATTLE OF THE CHAIRS. + + "The chairs are order'd, and the moment comes, + When all the world assemble at the rooms." + +Illustration: page306] + +For the ball-room itself, it was the most splendid scene that the magic +power of fancy could devise. The variety of characters, the elegance +of the dresses, and the beauty of the graceful fair, joined to their +playful wit and accomplished manners, produced a succession of delights +which banished from the heart of man the recollection of his mortal +ills, and gave him, for the passing time, a semblance of Elysian +pleasures. The rooms are admirably calculated for this species of +entertainment, and are, I believe, the largest in England; while the +excellent regulations and arrangements adopted by the master of the +ceremonies to prevent any of those unpleasant intrusions, too often +admitted into mixed assemblies, deserved the highest commendation. It is +from scenes of this description that the writer on men ~307~~and manners +extracts his characters, and drawing aside from the mirth-inspiring +group, contemplates the surrounding gaieties, noting down in his +memory the pleasing varieties and amusing anecdotes he has there heard; +pleasantries with which at some future time he may enliven the social +circle of his friends, or by reviving in print, recall the brightest +and the best recollections of those who have participated in their gay +delights. + + "In this distinguish'd circle you will find + Many degrees of man and woman kind." + +And as I am here "life's painter, the very Spy o' the time," I shall +endeavour to sketch a few of the leading Bath characters; most of the +gay well-known being upon this occasion present, and many an eccentric +star shining forth, whose light it would be difficult to encounter in +any other circle. The accompanying view of the rooms by Transit will +convey a correct idea of the splendour of the entertainment, and the +fascinating appearance of the assembled groups. + + "Ranged on the benches sit the lookers-on, + Who criticise their neighbours one by one; + Each thinks herself in word and deed so bless'd, + That she's a bright example for the rest. + Numerous tales and anecdotes they hatch, + And prophesy the dawn of many a match; + And many a matrimonial scheme declare, + Unknown to either of the happy pair; + Much delicate discussion they advance, + About the dress and gait of those who dance; + One stoops too much; and one is so upright, + He'll never see his partner all the night; + One is too lazy; and the next too rough; + This jumps too high, and that not high enough. + Thus each receives a pointed observation, + Not that it's scandal--merely conversation." + +A three months' sojournment at Bath had afforded my friend Eglantine an +excellent opportunity for ~308~~estimating public character, a science +in which he was peculiarly well qualified to shine; since to much +critical acumen was joined a just power of discrimination, aided by a +generosity of feeling that was ever enlivened by good-humoured sallies +of playful satire. To Horace Eglantine, I may apply the compliment which +Cleland pays to Pope--he was incapable of either saying or writing "a +line on any man, which through guilt, through shame, or through fear, +through variety of fortune, or change of interest, he would ever be +unwilling to own." It too often happens that the cynic and the satirist +are themselves more than tinged with the foibles which they so severely +censure in others. "You shall have a specimen of this infirmity," said +Horace, "in the person of Peter Paul Pallet; a reverend gentleman whom +you will observe yonder in the dress of a Chinese mandarin. Some few +years since this pious personage took upon himself the task of lashing +the prevailing follies of society in a satire entitled Bath Characters, +and it must be admitted, the work proves him to have been a fellow of +no ordinary talent; but an unfortunate amour with the wife of a reverend +brother, which was soon after made public, added to certain other +peculiarities and eccentricities, have since marked the satirist himself +as one of the most prominent objects for the just application of his own +weapon." + + Come hither, Paul Pallet, your portrait I'll paint: + You're a satirist, reverend sir, but no saint. + +But as some of his characters are very amusing, and no doubt very +correct portraits of the time, 1808, my readers shall have the advantage +of them, that they may be the better able to contrast the past with the +present, and form their own conclusions how far society has improved +in morality by the increase of methodism, the influx of evangelical +breathings, or the puritanical pretensions of bible societies. I shall +pass by his description of the club; gaming ever was ~309~~and ever will +be a leading fashionable vice, which only poverty and ruin can correct +or cure. The clergy must, however, be greatly delighted at the following +picture of the cloth, drawn by one of their holy brotherhood. "The Bath +church," says the satirist, "is filled with croaking ravens, chattering +jays, and devouring cormorants; black-headed fanatics and white-headed +'dreamers of dreams;' the aqua-fortis of mob politics, and the mawkish +slip-slop of modern divinity; rank cayenne pepper, and genuine powder of +post!" Really a very flattering description of our clerical comforters, +but one which, I lament to say, will answer quite as well for 1826, +with, perhaps, a little less of enthusiasm in the composition, and some +faint glimmerings of light opposed to the darkness of bigotry and the +frauds of superstition. Methodism is said to be on the wane--we can +hear no better proof that true religion and good sense are coming into +fashion. The sketch of Mrs. Vehicle, by the same hand, is said to have +been a true copy of a well-known female gambler; it is like a portrait +of Sir Joshua Reynolds, a picture worthy of preservation from its +intrinsic merits, long after the original has ceased to exist: how +readily might it be applied to half a score card-table devotees of the +present day! "Observe that _ton_ of beauty, Mrs. Vehicle, who is sailing +up the passage, supported like a nobleman's coat of arms by her amiable +sisters, the virtuous widow on one side, and the angelic Miss Speakplain +on the other. By my soul! the same roses play upon her cheeks now that +bloomed there winters ago, the natural tint of that identical patent +rouge which she has enamelled her face with for these last twenty years; +her gait and presence, too, are still the same--_Vera incessa patuit +Dea_; she yet boasts the enchanting waddle of a Dutch Venus, and the +modest brow of a Tower-hill Diana. Ah, Jack, would you but take a few +lessons from my old friend ~310~~at the science of shuffle and cut, you +would not rise so frequently from the board of green cloth, as you +now do, with pockets in which the devil might dance a saraband without +injuring his shins against their contents. Why, man, she is a second +Breslaw with a pack; I have known her deal four honours, nine trumps to +herself three times in the course of one rubber, and not cut a higher +card to her adversary than a three during the whole evening. Sensible +of her talents, and of the impropriety of hiding them in a napkin, she +chose Bath, independence, and her own skill in preference to a country +parsonage, conjugal control, and limited pin-money. Her _caro sposo_ +meanwhile retired to his living; and now blesses himself on his escape +from false deals, odd tricks, and every honour but the true one." +One more sketch, and I have done; but I cannot pass by the admirable +portrait of a Bath canonical, "Jolly old Dr. Mixall, rosy as a ripe +tomata, and round as his own right orthodox wig, + + 'With Atlantean shoulders, fit to bear + The weight of mightiest monarchies!' + +Awful and huge, he treads the ground like one of Bruce's moving pillars +of sand! What a dark and deep abyss he carries before him--the grave +insatiate of turtle and turbot, red mullet and John Dories, haunches and +pasties, claret, port, and home-brewed ale! But his good-humour alone +would keep him at twenty stone were he to cease larding himself for +a month to come; and when he falls, may the turf lie lightly on his +stomach! Then shall he melt gently into rich manure; + + 'And fat be the gander that feeds on his grave.'" + + "But now for the moderns," said Horace; "for the + enchanting fair, + + 'Whose snow-white bosoms fascinate the eye, + Swelling in all the pride of _nudity_; + +~311~~ + + The firm round arm, soft cheek, and pouting lip, + And backs exposed below the jutting hip; + To these succeed dim eyes, and wither'd face", + And pucker'd necks as rough as shagreen cases, + But whose kind owners, hon'ring Bladud's ball, + Benevolently show their little all.'" + +But I must not particularize here, as I intend sketching the more +prominent personages during a morning lounge in Milsom-street; when, +appearing in their ordinary costume, they will be the more easily +recognised in print, and remain a more lasting memorial of Bath +eccentrics, + + + + +SKETCHES IN BATH--CHAPTER II. + +~312~~ + + Well-known Characters in the Pump-room taking a Sip with + King Bladud--Free Sketches of Fair Game--The awkward + Rencontre, or Mr. B------and Miss L.--Public Bathing or + stewing alive--Sober Thoughts--Milsom-street Swells--A + Visit to the Pig and Whistle, Avon-street--of the Buff + Club. + + To the pump-room we went, where the grave, and the gay, + And the aged, and the sickly, lounge time away; + Where all the choice spirits are seen making free + With the sov'reign cordial, the true _eau de vie_. + +[Illustration: page312] + +The _dejeune_ over, the first place to which the stranger in Bath +is most desirous of an introduction is the Pump-room; not that he +anticipates restoration to health from drinking the waters, or imagines +the virtues of immortality are to be found by immersion in the baths; +but if he be a person of any condition, he is naturally anxious to _show +off_ make his bow to the gay throng, and, at the same time, elucidate +the exact condition of Bath Society. If, however, he is a mere plebeian +in search of novelty, coupling pleasure with business, or an invalid +sent here by his doctors to end his days, he is still anxious, while +life remains, to see and be seen; to observe whom he can recognise +among the great folks he has known in the metropolis, or perchance, meet +consolation from some suffering fellow citizen, who, like himself, has +been conveyed to Bath to save his family the misery of seeing him expire +beneath his own roof. "What an admirable variety of character does this +scene present," said Transit, who, on our first ~313~~entrance, was much +struck with the magnificence of the rooms, and still more delighted with +the immense display of eccentricities which presented themselves. +"I must introduce you, old fellow," said Eglantine, "to a few of +the oddities who figure here. The strange-looking personage in the +right-hand corner is usually called Dick Solus, from his almost +invariably appearing abroad by himself, or dangling after the steps +of some fair Thespian, to the single of whom he is a very constant +tormentor. Mrs. Egan of the theatre, 'who knows what's what,' has +christened him Mr. Dillytouch; while the heroes of the sock and +buskin as invariably describe him by the appellation of Shake, from an +unpleasant action he has both in walking and sitting. The sour-visaged +gentleman at this moment in conversation with him is the renowned Peter +Paul Pallet, esq., otherwise the Reverend Mr. M-----------. Behind them +appears a celebrated dentist and his son, who has attained the rank of +M.D., both well known here by the titles of the Grand Duke of Tusk-aney +and Count Punn-tusk-y, a pair of worthies always on the lookout for +business, and hence very constant attendants at the promenade in the +Pump-room. The old gentleman in the chintz morning-gown hobbling along +on crutches, from the gout, is a retired vinegar merchant, the father of +a Chancery M.P., of whom the Bath wags say, 'that when in business, he +must always have carried a sample of his best vinegar in his face.'" +At this moment old Blackstrap advanced, and requested permission to +introduce to our notice Jack Physick, an honest lawyer, and, as he said, +one of the cleverest fellows and best companions in Bath. Jack had the +good fortune to marry one of the prettiest and most attractive actresses +that ever appeared upon the Bath stage, Miss Jamieson, upon which +occasion, the wags circulated many pleasant _jeux d'esprits_ on +the union of "love, law, and physic." The arrival of a very pompous +gentleman, who appeared to ~314~~excite general observation, gave +my friend Eglantine an opportunity of relating an anecdote of the +eccentric, who figures in Pultney-street under the cognomen of the Bath +bashaw. "There," said Horace, "you may see him every morning decorated +in his flannel _robe de chambre_ and green velvet cap, seated outside in +his balcony, smoking an immensely large German pipe, and sending forth +clouds of fragrant perfume, which are pleasantly wafted right or left as +the wind blows along the breakfast tables of his adjoining neighbours. +This eccentric was originally a foundling discovered on the steps of +a door in Rath, and named by the parochial officers, Parish: by great +perseverance and good fortune he became a Hambro' merchant, and in +process of time realized a handsome property, which, much to his honour +and credit, he retired to spend a portion of among the inhabitants of +this city, thus paying a debt of gratitude to those who had protected +him in infancy when he was abandoned by his unnatural parents. The +little fellow yonder with a military air, and no want of self-conceit, +is a field-officer of the Bath volunteers, Adjutant Captain O'Donnel, a +descendant from the mighty King Bryan Baroch, and, as we say at Eton, +no _small beer man_, I assure you." "Who is that gigantic fellow just +entering the rooms'?" said Heartly. "That is Long Heavisides," replied +Eglantine, "whom Handsome Jack and two or three more of the Bath wits +have christened, in derision, Mr. Light-sides, a right pleasant fellow, +quite equal in intellect and good-humour to the altitude of his person, +which, I am told, measures full six feet six." "Gentlemen," said the +facetious Blackstrap, "here comes an old lady who has paid dearly for +a bit of the Brown, lately the relict of the late Admiral M'Dougal, and +now fresh at seventy the blooming wife of a young spark who has +just attained the years of discretion, at least, as far as regards +~315~~pecuniary affairs; for before leading the old lady into church, +she very handsomely settled three thousand per annum upon her Adonis, as +some little compensation to his feelings, for the rude jests and jeers +he was doomed to bear with from his boon companions." "Eyes right, +lads," said Eglantine; "the tall stout gentleman in a blue surtout and +white trowsers is General B---------." + +"Pshaw! never mind his name," said Heartly; "what are his +peculiarities?" "Why--imprimis, he has a lovely young female commander +in chief by his side--is a great reader with a very little memory. A +very good story is told of him, that I fear might be applied with equal +justice to many other great readers; namely, that some wags having at +different times altered the title-page, and pasted together various +leaves of a popular Scotch novel, they thus successfully imposed upon +the General the task of reading the same matter three times over--by +this means creating in his mind an impression, not very far from +the truth, that all the works of the Great Unknown bore a very close +similitude to each other; an opinion which the General is said to +maintain very strenuously unto this hour. Of all the characters in the +busy scene of life which can excite a pleasurable sensation in the +close observer of men and manners, is your gay ancient, whether male +or female; the sprightly Evergreens of society, whose buoyant spirits +outlive the fiery course of youth, while their playful leafage buds +forth in advanced life with all the freshness, fragrance, and vigour +of the more youthful plants. Such," said Eglantine, "is the old +beau yonder, my friend Curtis, who is here quaintly denominated the +Everlasting. + +[Illustration: page315] + +The jolly Bacchanalian, who accompanies him in his morning's lounge, is +Charles Davis, a right jolly fellow, universally respected, although, it +must be admitted, he is a _party_ man, since in a ~316~~show of hands, +Charles must always, unfortunately, be on one side." A promenade up and +down the room, and a visit to the goddess Hygeia, for such, I suppose, +the ancient matron who dispenses the healing draught must be designated, +gave us an opportunity of observing the fresh arrivals, among whom we +had the pleasure to meet with an old naval officer, known to Heartly, a +victim to the gout, wheeled about in a chair, expecting, to use his own +sea phrase, to go to pieces every minute, but yet full of spirits as an +admiral's grog bottle, as fond of a good joke as a fresh-caught reefer, +and as entertaining as the surgeon's mate, or the chaplain of the fleet. +"I say, Master Heavtly," said the captain, "the frigate yonder with the +brown breast works, and she with the pink facings, look something like +privateers. My forelights, Master Heartly, but if I had the use of my +under works, I should be for firing a little grape shot across their +quarters to see if I could not bring them into action!" "And I will +answer for it, they would not show any objection to lie alongside of +you, captain," said Eglantine, "while you had got a shot left in your +locker. Mere Cyprian traders, captain, from the Gulf of Venus, engaged +in gudgeon bawling, or on the lookout for flat fish. The little craft, +with the black top, is called the Throgmorton; and the one alongside the +Ormsby of Berkeley is the Pretty Lacy, a prime frigate, and quite new +in the service. If you have a mind to sail up the Straits of Cytherea, +captain, I can answer for it we shall fall in with a whole fleet of +these light vessels, the two Sisters; the Emery's; the yawl, Thomson; +that lively little cutter, Jackson; the transports, King and Hill; the +lugger, Lewis; and the country ship, the Lady Grosvenor, all well found, +and ready for service, and only waiting to be well manned. A good story +is just now afloat about the Lacy, who, being recently taken up for +private trade by Commodore Bowen, was ~317~~discovered to be sailing +under false colours. It appears, that during the commander's absence a +dashing enemy, the captain of the Hussar, a man of war, had entered +the cabin privately, and having satisfied himself of the state of the +vessel, took an opportunity to overhaul the ship's stores, when drinking +rather freely of some choice love~age, a cordial kept expressly for the +commodore's own use, he was unexpectedly surprised by the return of +the old commander on board; and in making his escape through the cabin +window into a boat he had in waiting, unfortunately left his time-piece +and topmast behind. This circumstance is said to have put the commodore +out of conceit with his little frigate, who has since been paid off', +and is now chartered for general purposes." At this little episode of a +well-known Bath story, the captain laughed heartily, and Transit was so +much amused thereat, that on coming in contact with the commodore and +the captain in our perambulations, he furnished the accompanying sketch +of that very ludicrous scene, under the head of + + The Bath beau and frail belle, + Or Mr. B------and Miss L-----. + +An excellent band of music, which continues to play from one to half +past three o'clock every day during the season, greatly increases the +attraction to the rooms, and also adds much to the cheerfulness and +gaiety of the scene. We had now nearly exhausted our materials for +observation; and having, to use Transit's phrase, booked every thing +worthy of note, taken each of us a glass of the Bath water, although I +confess not swallowing it without some qualmish apprehensions from the +recollection of the four lines in Anstey's Bath Guide. + + "They say it is right that for every glass, + A tune you should take that the water may pass; + So while little Tabby was washing her rump, + The ladies kept drinking it out of the pump." + +~318~~A very pleasant piece of satire, but somewhat, as I understand, +at the expense of truth, since the well from which the water in the pump +room is obtained is many feet below the one that supplies the baths; +situation certainly assists the view of the satirist. I ought not +to pass over here the story told us by our old friend Blackstrap, +respecting the first discovery of these waters by Bladud, the son of Lud +Hudibras, king of Britain; a fabulous tale, which, for the benefit of +the city all true Bathonians are taught to lisp with their horn book, +and believe with their creed, as genuine orthodox; and on which subject +my friend Horace furnished the following impromptu. + + Oh, Lud! oh, Lud! that hogs and mud{1} + Should rival sage M.D.'s; + And hot water, in this quarter, + Cure each foul disease. + +"Throw physic to the dogs, I'll have none on't,'" said Horace: "if hot +water can effect such wonders, why, a plague on all the doctors! Let a +man be content to distil his medicine fresh from his own teakettle, or +make his washing copper serve the double purpose for domestic uses and a +medicated bath. + + 'But what is surprising, no mortal e'er view'd + Any one of the physical gentlemen stew'd. + From the day that King Bladud first found out these bogs, + And thought them so good for himself and his hogs, + Not one of the faculty ever has tried + These excellent waters to cure his own hide; + Though many a skilful and learned physician, + With candour, good sense, and profound erudition, + Obliges the world with the fruits of his brain, + Their nature and hidden effects to explain.' + + 1 See the fabulous account alluded to in Warner's History of + Bath, where Bladud is represented to have discovered the + properties of the warm springs at Beechen Wood Swainswick, + by observing the hogs to wallow in the mud that was + impregnated therewith, and thus to have derived the + knowledge of a cure for 'tis leprous affection. + +~319~~But _allons_, lads," said Horace, "we are here to follow the +fashion, and indulge in all the eccentricities of the place; to note +the follies of the time, and depict the chief actors, without making +any personal sacrifice to correct the evil. Our satire will do more to +remove old prejudices when it appears in print, aided by Bob Transit's +pencil, than all our reasonings upon the spot can hope to effect, +although we followed Mr. M'Culloch's economy, and lectured upon decency +from break of day to setting sun. In quitting the pump-room we must not, +however, omit to notice the statue of Beau Nash, before which Transit +appears, in _propria personae_, sketching off the marble memento, +without condescending to notice the busts of Pope and Newton, which fill +situations on each side; a circumstance which in other times produced +the following epigram from the pen of the witty earl of Chesterfield. + + "The statue plac'd the busts between + Adds satire to the strength; + Wisdom and Wit are little seen, + But Folly at full length." + +Such is the attachment of man to the recollections of any thing +associated with pleasure, that it is questionable if the memory of old +Joe Miller is not held in higher estimation by the moderns than that of +Father Luther, the reformer; and while the numerous amusing anecdotes +in circulation tend to keep alive the fame of Nash, it is not surprising +that the merry pay court to his statue, being in his own dominions, +before they bow at the classic shrine of Pope, or bend in awful +admiration beneath the bust of the greatest of philosophers. + + "'Twas said of old, deny it now who can, + The only laughing animal is man." + +And we are about to present the reader with a right merry scene, one, +too, if he has any fun in his composition, or loves a good joke, must +warm the cockles ~320~~of his heart. Who would ever have thought, in +these moralizing times, when the puritans are raising conventicles in +every town and village, and the cant of vice societies has spread itself +over the land, that in one of our most celebrated places of fashionable +resort, there should be found baths where the young and the old, the +beauteous female and the gay spark, are all indiscriminately permitted +to enjoy the luxurious pleasure together. That such is the case in +Bath no one who has recently participated in the pleasures of immersion +will dispute, and in order to perpetuate that gratification, Bob +Transit has here faithfully delineated the scene which occurred upon our +entering the King's Bath, through the opening from the Queen's, where, +to our great amusement and delight, we found ourselves surrounded by +many a sportive nymph, whose beauteous form was partially hidden by +the loose flannel gown, it is true; but now and then the action of the +water, produced by the continued movements of a number of persons all +bathing at the same time, discovered charms, the which to have caught +a glimpse of in any other situation might have proved of dangerous +consequences to the fair possessors. The baths, it must be admitted, are +delightful, both from their great extent and their peculiar properties, +as, on entering from the Queen's Bath you may enjoy the water at from 90 +to 96 degrees, or requiring more heat have only to walk forward, through +the archway, to obtain a temperature of 116. The first appearance of old +Blackstrap's visage floating along the surface of the water, like the +grog-blossomed trunk of the ancient Bardolph, bound up in a Welsh wig, +was truly ludicrous, and produced such an unexpected burst of laughter +from my merry companions, that I feared some of the fair Naiads would +have fainted in the waters from fright, and then Heaven help them, +for decency would have prevented our rushing to their assistance. The +notices to prevent gentlemen ~321~~from swimming in the baths are, in my +opinion, so many inducements or suggestions for every young visitor +to attempt it. Among our mad wags, Horace Eglantine was more than +once remonstrated with by the old bathing women for indulging in this +pleasure, to the great alarm of the ladies, who, crowding together in +one corner with their aged attendants, appeared to be in a high state of +apprehension lest the loose flannel covering that guards frail mortality +upon these occasions should be drawn aside, and discover nature in +all her pristine purity--an accident that had very nearly happened to +myself, when, in endeavouring to turn round quickly, I found the water +had disencumbered my frame of the yellow bathing robe, which floated on +the surface behind me. + +[Illustration: page321] + +One circumstance which made our party more conspicuous, was, the +rejection of the Welsh wigs, which not all the entreaties of the +attendant could induce any of the wags to wear. The young ladies +disfigure themselves by wearing the black bonnets of the bathing women; +but spite of this masquerading in the water, their lovely countenances +and soul-subduing eyes, create sensations that will be more easily +conceived than prudently described. A certain facetious writer, who has +published his "Walks through Bath," alluding to this practice, speaks +of it as having been prohibited in the fifteenth century. How long such +prohibition, if it ever took place, continued, it is not for me to know; +but if the Bath peripatetic historian had made it his business to have +seen what he has described, he would have found, that the practice of +bathing males and females together in _puris naturalibus_ was still +continued in high perfection, in spite of the puritans, the Vice +Society, or the prohibition of Bishop Beckyngton.{2} + + 2 It appears, that about the middle of the fifteenth century + it was the custom for males and females to bathe together, + in puris naturalibus, which was at length prohibited by + Bishop Beckyngton, who ordered, by way of distinction, the + wearing of breeches and petticoats; this indecency was + suppressed, after considerable difficulty, at the end of the + sixteenth century, (quere, what indecency does our author of + the "Walks through Bath" mean? the incumbrance of the + breeches and petticoats, we must imagine). It also seems, + that about 1700 it was the fashion for both sexes to bathe + together indiscriminately, and the ladies used to decorate + their heads with all the advantages of dress, as a mode of + attracting attention and heightening their charms. The + husband of a lady in one of the baths, in company with Beau + Nash, was so much enraptured with the appearance of his + wife, that he very im-prudently observed, "she looked like + an angel, and he wished to be with her." Nash immediately + seized him by the collar, and threw him into the bath; this + circumstance produced a duel, and Nash was wounded in his + right arm: it however had the good effect of establishing + the reputation of Nash, who shortly after became master of + the ceremonies. + +~322~~ + + "You cannot conceive what a number of ladies + Were wash'd in the water the same as our maid is: + How the ladies did giggle and set up their clacks + All the while an old woman was rubbing their backs; + Oh! 'twas pretty to see them all put on their flannels, + And then take the water, like so many spaniels; + And though all the while it grew hotter and hotter, + They swam just as if they were hunting an otter. + 'Twas a glorious sight to behold the fair sex + All wading with gentlemen up to their necks, + And view them so prettily tumble and sprawl + In a great smoking kettle as big as our hall; + And to-day many persons of rank and condition + Were boil'd, by command of an able physician." + +From the baths we migrated to the grand promenade of fashion, Milsom +Street, not forgetting to take a survey of the old Abbey Church, which, +as a monument of architectural grandeur without, and of dread monition +within, is a building worthy the attention of the antiquarian and the +philosopher; while perpetuating the remembrance of many a cherished name +to worth, to science, and to virtue dear, the artist and the amateur may +derive much gratification from examining the many excellent ~323~~pieces +of sculpture with which the Abbey abounds. But for us, gay in +disposition, and scarcely allowing ourselves time for reflection, such +a scene had few charms, unless, indeed, the English Spy could have +separated himself from the buoyant spirits with which he was attended, +and then, wrapt in the gloom of the surrounding scene, and given up +to serious contemplation, the emblems of mortality which decorate the +gothic pile might have conjured up in his mind's eye the forms of many a +departed spirit, of the blest shades of long-lost parents and of social +friends, of those who, living, lent a lustre to the arts, of witty +madcaps frost-bitten by the sable tyrant Death, nipped in the very bud +of youth, while yet the sparkling jest was ripe upon the merry lip, and +the ruddy glow of health upon the cheek gave earnest of a lengthened +life------But, soft! methinks I hear my reader exclaim, "How now, +madcap, moralizing Mr. Spy? art thou, too, bitten by the desire to +philosophize, thou, 'the very Spy o' the time,' the merry buoyant rogue +who has laughed all serious scenes to scorn, and riding over hill, and +dale, and verdant plain upon thy fiery courser, fleet as the winds, +collecting the cream of comicalities, and, beshrew thee, witling, +plucking the brightest flowers that bloom in the road of pleasure to +give thy merry garland's perfume, and deck thy page withal, art thou +growing serious? Then is doomsday near; and poor, deserted, care-worn +man left unprotected to the tempest's rage!" Not so, good reader, we are +still the same merry, thoughtless, laughing, buoyant sprite that thou +hast known us for the last two years; but the archer cannot always keep +his bow upon the stretching point; so there are scenes, and times, and +fancies produced by recollective circumstances and objects, which create +strange conceits even in the light-hearted bosom of the English Spy. +Such was the train of reflections which rushed in ~324~~voluntarily upon +my mind as I noted down the passing events of the day, a practice usual +with me when, retiring from the busy hum of men, I seek the retirement +of my chamber to commit my thoughts to paper. I had recently passed +through the depository where rest the remains of a tender mother--had +sought the spot, unnoticed by my light-hearted companions, and having +bedewed with tears of gratitude her humble grave, gave vent to my +feelings, by the following tribute to a parent's worth. + +MY MOTHER'S GRAVE. + + Beneath yon ivy-mantled wall, + In a lone corner, where the earth + Presents a rising green mound, all + Of her who lov'd and gave me birth + + Lies buried deep. No trophied stone, + Or graven verse denotes the spot: + Her worth her epitaph alone, + The green-sward grave her humble lot. + + How silent sleep the virtuous dead! + For them few sculptured honours rise, + No marble tablet here to spread + A fame--their every act implies. + + No mockery here, nor herald's shield, + To glitter o'er a bed of clay; + But snow-drops and fresh violets yield + A tribute to worth pass'd away. + + Tread lightly, ye who love or know + En life's young road a parent's worth, + Who yet are strangers to the woe + Of losing those who gave you birth, + +~325~~ + + Who cherish'd, fondled, fed, and taught + From infancy to manhood's pride, + Directing every opening thought, + Teaching how Reason's power should guide. + + Ye rich and bold, ye grave and gay, + Ye mightiest of the sons of men, + Wealth, honours, fame shall sink away, + And all be equalized again; + + Save what the sculptor may pourtray, + And any tyrant, fool, or knave + Who has the wealth, may in that way + His name from dull oblivion save; + + That is, he may perpetuate + His worthlessness, his frauds, and crimes; + No matter what his tomb relate, + His character lives with the times. + + Shade of my parent! couldst thou hear + The voice of him, thine only child, + Implore thy loss with filial tear, + And deck thy grave with sonnets wild, + + 'Twould all thy troubles past repay, + Thy anxious cares, thy hopes and fears, + To find as time stole life away, + Thy mem'ry brighten'd with his years. + + Yes, sacred shade! while mem'ry guides + This ever wild eccentric brain, + While reason holds or virtue chides, + Still will I pour the filial strain. + +"What," said my old friend Horace Eglantine, after reading this tribute +to parental worth, "Bernard Blackmantle moralizing; our Spy turned +~326~~monody-maker, writing epitaphs, and elegies, and odes to spirits +that have no corporal substance, when there are so many living subjects +yet left for his merrier muse to dwell upon? Come, old fellow, shake off +this lethargy of the mind, this vision of past miseries, and prepare for +present merriments. + + 'The streets begin to fill, the motley throng + To see and to be seen, now trip along; + Some lounge in the bazaars, while others meet + To take a turn or two in Milsom-street; + Some eight or ten round Mirvan's shop remain, + To stare at those who gladly stare again.' + +In short, my dear fellow, we are all waiting your company to join the +swells in Milsom-street; where, I have no doubt, you will find many a +star of fashion, whose eccentricities you will think justly entitles him +to a niche in your gallery of living characters. + + 'Lords of the creation, who, half awake, + Adorn themselves their daily lounge to take; + Each lordly man his taper waist displays, + Combs his sweet locks, and laces on his stays, + Ties on his starch'd cravat with nicest care, + And then steps forth to petrify the fair.' + +Such, for instance, is that roue yonder, the very prince of Bath fops, +Handsome Jack, whose vanity induces him to assert that his eyebrows are +worth one hundred per annum to any young fellow in pursuit of a fortune: +it should, however, be admitted, that his gentlemanly manners and great +good-nature more than compensate for any little detractions on the score +of self-conceit. What the son is, the father was in earlier life; and +the old beau is not a little gratified to observe the estimation in +which his son is held by the fair sex, on account of his attractive +person and still more prepossessing manners. + +"You have heard of Peagreen Hayne's exploits at Burdrop Park; and here +comes the proprietor of the ~327~~place, honest Tom Calley, as jovial a +true-hearted English gentleman as ever followed a pack of foxhounds, or +gloried in preserving and promoting the old English hospitalities of the +table: circumstances, the result of some hard runs and long odds, have a +little impaired the family exchequer; however the good wishes of all who +know him attend him in adversity. But the clouds which have for a time +obstructed his sunshine of mirth are fast wearing away, and when he +shall return to the enjoyment of his patrimonial acres, he will be sure +to meet a joyous welcome from all surrounding him, accompanied with the +heartfelt congratulations of those to whom in Bath he is particularly +endeared. The smart little fellow driving by in his cabriolet is beau +Burgess, a single star, and one of no mean attraction among the fair +spinsters, who can estimate the merits and admire the refulgence of ten +thousand sovereign attendant satellites. + +[Illustration: page327] + +Bath is, perhaps, now the only place in the kingdom where there is +yet to be found a four-in-hand club; a society of gentlemen Jehus, +who formerly in London cut no inconsiderable figure in the annals of +fashion, and who, according to our mode of estimating the amusements +of the gay world, were very unfairly satirized, seeing, that with the +pursuit of pleasure was combined the additional employment of a large +number of mechanics, and a stimulus given, not only to the improvement +of a noble breed of horses, but to the acquirement of a knowledge, the +perfection of which in the metropolis is particularly necessary to the +existence of the peripatetic pleasures of his majesty's subjects. Here +we have Colonel Allen, who puts along a good team in very prime style, +and having lately been spliced to a good fortune, is a perfect master in +the _manage_-ment of the bit. + +"Squire Richards is, also, by no means a contemptible knight of the +ribbons, only he sometimes measures ~328~~his distance a little too +closely; a practice, which if he does not improve upon, may some day, +in turning a corner, not bring him off right. 'A follower of the Buxton +school and a true knight of the throng,' says old Tom Whipcord in the +Annals of Sporting, 'must not expect to drive four high-bred horses well +with an opera-glass stuck in his right ogle.' A bit of good advice that +will not only benefit the squire if he attends to it, but perhaps save +the lives of one or two of the Bath pedestrians. The leader of the club, +who, by way of distinction from his namesake the colonel, is designated +Scotch Allen, is really a noble whip, putting along four horses in +first-rate style, all brought well up to their work, and running +together as close and as regular as the wheels of his carriage. The +comical little character upon the strawberry pony is the Bath Adonis; +a fine specimen of the Irish antique, illustrated with a beautiful +brogue,and emblazoned with a gold coat of arms. The amours of old +B-----------in Bath would very well fill a volume of themselves; but +the anecdote I gave you in the Pump-room of little Lacy and her paramour +will be sufficient to show you in what estimation he is held by the +ladies." "Give me leave to introduce you to a Raer fellow," said +Heartly; "an old friend of mine, who has all his lifetime been a +wholesale dealer in choice spirits, and having now bottled off enough +for the remainder of his life, is come to spend the evening of his days +in Bath among the bon vivants of the elegant city, enjoying the tit +bits of pleasure, and courting the sweet society of the pretty girls. By +heavens! boys, we shall be found out, and you, Mr. Spy, will be the +ruin of us all, for here comes our old sporting acquaintance, Charles +Bannatyne, with his Jackall at his heels, accompanied by that mad +wag Oemsby, the Cheltenham amateur of fashion, and the gallant little +Lieutenant Valombre, who having formerly made a rich capture of +Spanish dollars, is perhaps upon the look-out here ~329~~for a frigate +well-laden with English specie, in order to sail in consort, and cruize +off the straits of independence for life. Well, success attend him," +said Heartly; "for he well deserves a good word whether at sea or +on shore. The military-looking gentleman yonder, who is in close +conversation with that rough diamond, Ellis, once a London attorney, +is the highly-respected Colonel Fitzgerald, whom our friend Transit +formerly caricatured under the cognomen of Colonel Saunter, a +good-humoured joke, with which he is by no means displeased himself." +"But, my dear fellows," said Transit, "if we remain fixed to this spot +much longer, we shall have the eyes of all the _beau monde_ upon us, +and stand a chance of being pointed at for the rest of the time that we +remain in Bath." A piece of advice that was not wholly unnecessary, for +being personally known to a few of the sporting characters, our visit +to the elegant city had spread like wildfire, and on our appearance in +Milsom-street, a very general desire was expressed by the beaux to +have a sight of the English Spy and his friend Transit, by whose joint +labours they anticipated they might hereafter live to fame. + +One of the most remarkable personages of the old school still left to +Bath is the celebrated Captain Mathews, the author of "a short Treatise +on Whist," and the same gentleman who at an early period of life +contested with the late R. B. Sheridan, upon Lansdowne, for the +fair hand of the beauteous Miss Lindly, the lady to whom the wit was +afterwards married. In this way did my pleasant friends Heartly +and Eglantine continue to furnish me with brief notices of the most +attractive of the stars of fashion who usually lounge away the mornings +in Milsom-street, exchanging the familiar nod and "How d'ye do?" and +holding sweet discourse among their fragrant selves upon the pursuits of +the _haute classe_, the merits of the last new novel, or the fortune +of the last unmarried feminine ~330~~arrival. To these may be added +reminiscences of the last night's card-table and remarks upon the Balls +at the rooms; for + + "Two musical parties to Bladud belong, + To delight the old rooms and the upper; + One gives to the ladies a supper, no song, + And the other a song and no supper." + +"The _jolie_ dame to the right," said Horace, "is the mother of +England's best friend, the Secretary for the Foreign Department, George +Canning, a man to whom we are all indebted for the amalgamation of +party, and the salvation of the country The clerical who follows +immediately behind Mrs. Hunn is a reverend gentleman whose daughters +both recently eloped from his house on the same morning attended by +favoured lovers to bind with sacred wreaths their happy destinies at +the shrine of Hymen." We had now reached the bottom of the street again, +after having made at least a dozen promenades to and fro, and were on +the point of retiring to our hotel to dress for dinner, when Heartly +directed my attention to a dashing roue, who, dressed in the extreme +of superlative style, was accompanied by a beautiful piece of fair +simplicity in the garb of a Puritan. "That," said my friend, "is +the beautiful Miss D**T--one of the faithful, whom the dashing Count +L***c***t has recently induced to say ay for life: thus gaining a double +prize of no mean importance by one stroke of good luck--a fine girl +and a fine fortune into the bargain." I must not forget our friend the +consulting surgeon H***ks, or omit to notice that in Bath the faculty +are all distinguished by some peculiar title of this sort, as, the +digestive Physician, the practical Apothecary, and the operative +Chemist; a piece of quackery not very creditable to their acknowledged +skill and general respectability. At dinner we were again joined by +our facetious ~331~~friend Blackstrap, who, to use his own phraseology, +having made "a good morning's work of it," hoped he might be permitted +to make one among us, a request with which we were most willing to +comply. In the evening, after the bottle had circulated freely, some of +our party proposed a visit to the theatre, but as Bath theatricals could +not be expected to afford much amusement to London frequenters of the +theatres royal, Transit suggested our sallying forth for a spree;" +for," said he, "I have not yet booked a bit of true life since I +have been in Bath. The pump-room, the bathers, and the swells in +Milsom-street, are all very well for the lovers of elegant life; but +our sporting friends and old college chums will expect to see a genuine +touch or two of the broad humour of Bath--something suburban and funny. +Cannot you introduce us to any thing pleasant of this sort!" said +Transit, addressing Blackstrap: "perhaps give us a sight of the +interior of a snug convent, or show us where the Bath wonderfuls resort +to carouse and sing away their cares."--"It is some years since," said +Blackstrap, "that in the company of a few merry wags, I paid a visit to +the Buff-club in Avon-street: but as you, gentlemen, appear disposed for +a little fun, if you will pledge yourselves to be directed by me, I will +undertake to introduce you to a scene far exceeding in profligacy and +dissipation the most florid picture which our friend Transit has +yet furnished of the back settlements in the Holy-land." With this +understanding, and with no little degree of anticipatory pleasure, did +our merry group set forth to take a survey of the interior of the long +room at the Pig and Whistle in Avon-street. Of the origin of this sign, +Blackstrap gave us a very humorous anecdote: the house was formerly, +it would appear, known by the sign of the Crown and Thistle, and was at +that time the resort of the Irish Traders who visited Bath to dispose +of their linens. One of these Emeralders ~332~~having lost his way, and +being unable to recollect either the name of the street or the sign of +his inn, thus addressed a countryman whom he accidentally met: "Sure +I've quite forgotten the sign of my inn." "Be after mentioning something +like it, my jewel," said his friend. "Sure it's very like the Pig and +Whistle," replied the enquirer. "By the powers, so it is:--the Crown +and Thistle, you mean;" and from this mistake of the Emeralder, the +house has ever since been so designated. Upon our visit to this scene of +uproarious mirth, we found it frequented by the lowest and most depraved +characters in society; the mendicants, and miserable of the female sex, +who, lost to every sense of shame or decency, assemble here to indulge +in profligacies, the full description of which must not stain the pages +of the English Spy. + +[Illustration: page332] + +As a scene of low life, my friend Transit has done it ample justice, +where the portraits of Lady Grosvenor as one of the Cyprian frequenters +is designated, the Toad in a Hole, and Lucy the Fair, will be easily +recognised. A gallon of gin for the ladies, and a liberal distribution +of beer and tobacco for the males, made us very welcome guests, and +insured us, during our short stay, at least from personal interruption. +It may be asked why such a house is licensed by the magistracy; but +when it is known that characters of this sort will always be found in +well-populated places, and that the doors are regularly closed at eleven +o'clock, it is perhaps thought to be a measure of prudence to let them +continue to assemble in an obscure part of the suburbs, where they +congregate together under the vigilant eye of the police, instead of +being driven abroad to seek fresh places of resort, and by this means +increase the evils of society. + +The next morning saw my friend Transit and myself again prepared +to separate from our friends Heartly and Eglantine, on our way to +Worcester, ~333~~where we had promised to pay a visit to old Crony on +our road back to London. Reader, if our sketches in Bath are somewhat +brief, remember we are ever on the wing in search of novelty, and are +not disposed to stay one day longer in any place than it affords fresh +food for pen and pencil In the characters we have sketched we disclaim +any thought of personal offence; eccentrics are public property, and +must not object to appear in print, seeing that they are in the journey +through life allowed to ride a free horse, without that curb which +generally restrains the conduct of others But I must here take my +farewell of the elegant city of that attractive spot of which Bayley +justly sings + + "In this auspicious region all mankind + (Whate'er their taste) congenial joys may find; + Here monied men may pass for men of worth; + And wealthy Cits may hide plebeian birth. + Here men devoid of cash may live with ease, + Appear genteel, and pass for what they please." + + + + +WAGGERIES AT WORCESTER. + +~334~~The meeting with an old friend at Worcester induced us to domicile +there for the space of three days, during which time I will not say we +were laid up with Lavender, but certainly near enough to scent it. Most +of our Worcester acquaintance will however understand what is meant by +this allusion to one of the pleasantest fellows that ever commanded the +uncivil customers in the Castle, since the time of the civil wars. +The city is perhaps as quiet a dull place as may be found within +his majesty's dominions, where a cannon-ball might be fired down the +principal street at noon-day without killing more than the ruby-nosed +incumbent of a fat benefice, a superannuated tradesman, or a +manufacturer of crockery-ware. No stranger should, however, pass through +the place without visiting the extensive China works of Messrs. Flight +and Barr, to which the greatest facility is given by the proprietors; +and the visit must amply repay any admirer of the arts. A jovial +evening, spent with our old friend of the Castle, had ended with a kind +invitation from him to partake of a spread at his hotel on the following +morning; but such was the apprehensions of Transit at the idea of +entering this mansion of the desolate, from being troubled with certain +qualmish remembrances of the previous night's debauch, that not all my +intreaties, nor the repeated messages of the worthy commander of the +Castle, could bring our friend Transit to book. + +~335~~To those who know my friend John, and there are few of any +respectability who do not both know and admire him, his facetious talent +will require but little introduction. Lavender is what a man of the +world, whose business it has been to watch over the interests of +society, should be, superior in education and in mind, to any one I ever +met with filling a similar situation: the governor of the Castle is +a companion for a lord, or to suit the purposes of justice, instantly +metamorphosed into an out and outer, a regular knowing cove, whose +knowledge of flash and the cant and slang used by the dissolute is +considered to be superior to that of any public officer. A specimen +of this will be found in the following note, which a huge fellow of a +turnkey brought to my bedside, and then apologised for disturbing me, by +pleading the governor's instructions. + + "QUEER COVES, + + "I hope you have left your dabs,{1} + and nobs,{2} all right: perhaps prime legs{3} is queer in + the oration-box{4} from a too frequent use of the + steamer{5} last darky.{6} I make this fakement{7} to let + you know I and morning spread are waiting. + + Steel-hotel, Yours, &c. + + June 9, 1825. LOCKIT." + +[Illustration: page335] + +My readers will very readily conceive that with such a companion we +were not long in tracing out what little of true life was to be found +in Worcester, and certainly one of the pleasantest scenes in which we +participated was a visit to the Subscription Bowling Alley, where, in +the summer time, the most respectable of the inhabitants of Worcester +meet every evening + + 1 Beds. + + 2 Heads. + + 3 Cruikshank.. + + 4 Cranium. + + 5 A pipe. + + 6 Night. + + 7 A note. + +~336~~for recreation; and a right pleasant company we found them. The +Caleb Quotem of the society, Dr. Davis, united in one person all the +acquirements of the great original: he not only keeps the time of the +city, but keeps all the musicians of the place in time; regulates the +watch and the watches, and plays a solo _a la Dragonetti_ upon the +double bass. Sam Swan is another choice spirit, who sings a good chant, +lives well respected, and sails down the stream of time as pleasantly as +if he was indeed a royal bird. + +An old Burdettite, Will Shunk, recognised in us a partizan of the +government candidate at one of the Westminster Elections: "But, sir," +said Will, "politics and I have nearly parted; for you must know, I am +tolerably _well breeched_, and can fairly say I am hand and glove with +all the first nobility in the kingdom." A truth to which Captain +Corls readily assented by explaining that Master William Shunk was a +first-rate glover, and considered worth a plum at least: "in short, +sir," said the captain, "he is a nabob here, and brings to my mind some +of the eastern princes with whom I have met during my Campaigns in the +East." The very mention of which exploit induced our friend the governor +to tip us the office, and the joke was well humoured until silver +Powell, who they say comes from Norfolk, interrupted our travels in +India, with, "Captain, can't you see that ere Athlantic fellow, the +governor, is making fun of you to amuse his London friends." A hint that +appeared to strike the Captain very forcibly, for it struck him dumb. +A good-humoured contest between honest Joe Shelton, and Probert the +school-master, elicited some very comical exposures in the way of +recriminations. Joe, it would appear, is an artist in economy; and an +old story about a lobster raised Joe's ire to its height, and produced +the Lex taliones on Probert, ~337~~whose habits of frugality wanted his +competitor's humour to make them pass current. Transit, who had been +amusing himself with sketching the characters, had become acquainted +with a sporting Reverend, whose taste for giblets had proved rather +expensive; and who was most desirous of appearing in print: a favor +merry Stephen Godson, the lawyer, requested might also be extended to +him." "Ay," said John Portman, "and if you want a character for your +foreground rich in colour, my phiz is much at your service; and +here's George Brookes, the radical, to form a good dark object in the +distance." In this way the evening passed off very pleasantly. Our +friend had made the object of our visit to the Bowling Alley known to +some few of his intimates, circumstance that I have no doubt +rather operated to prevent a display of some of those good-humoured +eccentricities with which it is not unfrequently marked. Upon my +return to town, I received a farewell ode from my Spirit in the Clouds, +evidently written under a misconception that the English Spy was about +to withdraw himself for a time, from his sketches on men and manners, +when in fact, although his labours will here close with the completion +of a Second Volume, his friends will find, that he is most desirous of +still engaging their attentions in a new form, attended not only by all +his former associates, but uniting in his train the brightest and the +merriest of all the choice Spirits of the Age. + + + + +BERNARD BLACKMANTLE TO HIS READERS. + +To prevent a misconception, and do himself justice, the author of the +English Spy feels it necessary to state, that in every instance the +subjects for the Plates illustrating this work have been furnished by +his pen, and not unfrequently, the rough ideas have ~338~~first emanated +from his own pencil; while he states this fact to prevent error, he is +most anxious to acknowledge the great assistance he has derived from the +inimitable humour and graphic skill in the execution of the designs, by +his friend Robert Transit. + +[Illustration: page338] + + + + +A SHORT ODE AT PARTING, + +FROM HIS "SPIRIT IN THE CLOUDS" + +TO THE ENGLISH SPY. + +~339~~ + + Prospero. Now does my project gather to a head; + My charms crack not; my spirits obey: + ----How's the day? + + Ariel. On the sixth hour; at which time, my lord, + You said our work should cease. + + --Shakspkare's Tempest. + + So fare you well; I have left you commands. + Ibid.--As you like it. + + "'Tis true, and pity 'tis, 'tis true," + That though on fairest winds we flew, + I in the clouds, beneath them you, + We still must parted be; + + And that, e'en whilst the world still hung + On what you wrote, and what I sung, + Enamour'd of our double tongue, + Exits my Bernard B-----. + + Well, all great actors must have pause, + When toiling in a patriot cause, + And ere another scene he draws, + New characters to cast, + +~340~~ + + Secure of having played his part, + As nature dictates, from the heart, + 'Tis fair before another start, + He brush up from the last. + + But how will humbugs of the age, + (I don't mean Mr. B.'s dull page,) + Crow that they scape satiric rage, + And get off in whole skins; + + How will dramatic fools rejoice! + No more is heard great Bernard's voice, + And that, Heav'n knows, there is a choice, + Their flummery begins.{1} + + But go your ways; it may be wise, + To let these puny, pestering flies + Buzz about people's ears and eyes, + A season or two longer; + + There must be evil mixed with good, + A bottom to the clearest flood, + And let them stand where others stood, + Till shown who is the stronger. + + Then, fortune-hunting squires of Bath, + Fine as the Burmese jewell'd Rath,{2} + Pray totter o'er your Bond-street path, + A respite short is yours. + + 1 I speak of would-be actors (male and female), vain and + incompetent managers, flippant and unequal critics, puffed + and translating authors, in short, of all before and behind + the curtain who have injured, or may injuro, the legitimate + drama. Let the theatres, like our trade, be free, and + monopoly thrive not, and for their success the Spirit will + ever pray; at present, it is "a mad world, my masters;" and + I am afraid Mr. Rayner with his long and set speeches, as + chairman of Thomas's Shakspeareans, will not mend the + matter. We note this to him in a friendly way; seeing, that + he is a worthy fellow, and a clever Caliban, and really + loves Shakspeare next to Newmarket and Doncaster. + + 2 The Burmese carriage is certainly a curious machine + of Indian workmanship; but it is, we should fancy, mere + outside--fine to look at, but a "rum one to go," like the + be-togged, be-booted, be-spurred, furred, and cloaked half + pays, fortune-hunters, gentlemen with the brogue, &c. that + pay their court so assiduously to Mrs. Dolland's cheesecakes + and Mr. Heaviside's quadrilles. But the world is often + ornament caught. + +~341~~ + + And daughter-selling mothers, still + Lure the young boys, their eyes may kill, + To wed your flesh and blood, and fill + Your purse, and pay your tours. + + Ye London blacks, ye Cheltenham whites,{3} + Ye turners of the days to nights, + Make, make the most of all your flights, + Whilst I and Bernard doze; + + But still be sure, by this same token, + We still shall sleep with one eye open{4} + And the first hour our nap is broken, + You'll pay for't through the nose. + + 3 There are indeed "black spirits and white spirits" of all + sorts and sizes, at all times and places; and a well-cut + coat and a white satin dress are frequently equally + dangerous glossings to frail and cunning mortality within. + To be sure, we have brought down the "tainted wethers of + dame Nature's flock" with the double barrels of wit and + satire, right and left; but like mushrooms or mole-hills, + they are a breeding, increasing species, and it will be only + a real battue of sharp-shooting that will destroy the + coveys. Nevertheless, + + "I have a rod in pickle, + Their------------------" + + I declare the Spirit is growing earthly. + + 4 The Bristol men "down along," sleep, they say, in this way + and hence is it rare for Jew or Gentile, Turk or infidel, to + get the blind side of them. Some of them, however, have ere + now been done brown, and that too by being too fanciful and + neat in their likings. These tales of the sleepers of an + eye are too good to be lost; they shall be bound up in the + volume of my brain, hereafter to be perused with advantage. + At present, + + "I hear a voice thou canst not hear; + I see a hand thou canst not see; + It calls to me from yonder sphere, + It points to where my brethren be." + +~342 + + When that time comes, and come it must, + For what we say is not pie-crust, + To yield to every trifling thrust, + England shall see some fun. + + Like "eagles in a dove-cote," we + Both rooks and pigeons will make flee, + Whilst every cashless company + Shall, laugh'd at, "cut and run." + + Thus telling painted folly's sect, + What they're to look to, what expect, + My farewell words I now direct + To thee, migrating Spy; + + That done, deliver'd all commands, + I man a cloud-ship with brave hands, + And sail to (quitting mortal lands), + My parlour in the sky. + + Bernard, farewell; may rosy health + Companion'd by that cherub wealth, + Be constant to you, like myself, + Your own departing spirit. + + Not that you're going to die; no, no, + You'll only take a nap or so; + But yet I wish you, 'fore you go, + These blessings to inherit. + + Bernard, farewell; pray think of me, + When you ride earth, or cross the sea; + On both, you know, I've been with thee, + And sung some pretty things; + + Great Spy, farewell; when next you rise + To make of fools a sacrifice, + You'll hear, down-cleaving from the skies, + The rustle of my wings. + + January, 1826. + +~343~~ + +Bernard Blackmantle and Bob Transit, + +[Illustration: page343] + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The English Spy, by Bernard Blackmantle + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ENGLISH SPY *** + +***** This file should be named 20001.txt or 20001.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/0/0/20001/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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