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diff --git a/old/mnwvs10.txt b/old/mnwvs10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b79593 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mnwvs10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7322 @@ +****The Project Gutenberg Etext of Men's Wives, by Thackeray**** +#10 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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In which Mr. Walker makes three attempts to ascertain the +dwelling of Morgiana. + +III. What came of Mr. Walker's discovery of the "Bootjack." + +IV. In which the heroine has a number more lovers, and cuts a very +dashing figure in the world. + +V. In which Mr. Walker falls into difficulties, and Mrs. Walker +makes many foolish attempts to rescue him. + +VI. In which Mr. Walker still remains in difficulties, but shows +great resignation under his misfortunes. + +VII. In which Morgiana advances towards fame and honour, and in +which several great literary characters make their appearance. + +VIII. In which Mr. Walker shows great prudence and forbearance. + +Mr. and Mrs. Frank Berry. + +I. The fight at Slaughter House. + +II. The combat at Versailles. + +Dennis Haggarty's wife. + + + + +MEN'S WIVES BY G. FITZ-BOODLE. + + + +THE RAVENSWING - CHAPTER I. + + + +WHICH IS ENTIRELY INTRODUCTORY - CONTAINS AN ACCOUNT OF MISS CRUMP, +HER SUITORS, AND HER FAMILY CIRCLE. + +In a certain quiet and sequestered nook of the retired village of +London - perhaps in the neighbourhood of Berkeley Square, or at any +rate somewhere near Burlington Gardens--there was once a house of +entertainment called the "Bootjack Hotel." Mr. Crump, the landlord, +had, in the outset of life, performed the duties of Boots in some +inn even more frequented than his own, and, far from being ashamed +of his origin, as many persons are in the days of their prosperity, +had thus solemnly recorded it over the hospitable gate of his hotel. + +Crump married Miss Budge, so well known to the admirers of the +festive dance on the other side of the water as Miss Delancy; and +they had one daughter, named Morgiana, after that celebrated part in +the "Forty Thieves" which Miss Budge performed with unbounded +applause both at the "Surrey" and "The Wells." Mrs. Crump sat in a +little bar, profusely ornamented with pictures of the dancers of all +ages, from Hillisberg, Rose, Parisot, who plied the light fantastic +toe in 1805, down to the Sylphides of our day. There was in the +collection a charming portrait of herself, done by De Wilde; she was +in the dress of Morgiana, and in the act of pouring, to very slow +music, a quantity of boiling oil into one of the forty jars. In +this sanctuary she sat, with black eyes, black hair, a purple face +and a turban, and morning, noon, or night, as you went into the +parlour of the hotel, there was Mrs. Crump taking tea (with a little +something in it), looking at the fashions, or reading Cumberland's +"British Theatre." The Sunday Times was her paper, for she voted +the Dispatch, that journal which is taken in by most ladies of her +profession, to be vulgar and Radical, and loved the theatrical +gossip in which the other mentioned journal abounds. + +The fact is, that the "Royal Bootjack," though a humble, was a very +genteel house; and a very little persuasion would induce Mr. Crump, +as he looked at his own door in the sun, to tell you that he had +himself once drawn off with that very bootjack the top-boots of His +Royal Highness the Prince of Wales and the first gentleman in +Europe. While, then, the houses of entertainment in the +neighbourhood were loud in their pretended Liberal politics, the +"Bootjack" stuck to the good old Conservative line, and was only +frequented by such persons as were of that way of thinking. There +were two parlours, much accustomed, one for the gentlemen of the +shoulder-knot, who came from the houses of their employers hard by; +another for some "gents who used the 'ouse," as Mrs. Crump would say +(Heaven bless her!) in her simple Cockniac dialect, and who formed a +little club there. + +I forgot to say that while Mrs. C. was sipping her eternal tea or +washing up her endless blue china, you might often hear Miss +Morgiana employed at the little red-silk cottage piano, singing, +"Come where the haspens quiver," or "Bonny lad, march over hill and +furrow," or "My art and lute," or any other popular piece of the +day. And the dear girl sang with very considerable skill, too, for +she had a fine loud voice, which, if not always in tune, made up for +that defect by its great energy and activity; and Morgiana was not +content with singing the mere tune, but gave every one of the +roulades, flourishes, and ornaments as she heard them at the +theatres by Mrs. Humby, Mrs. Waylett, or Madame Vestris. The girl +had a fine black eye like her mamma, a grand enthusiasm for the +stage, as every actor's child will have, and, if the truth must be +known, had appeared many and many a time at the theatre in Catherine +Street, in minor parts first, and then in Little Pickle, in +Desdemona, in Rosina, and in Miss Foote's part where she used to +dance: I have not the name to my hand, but think it is Davidson. +Four times in the week, at least, her mother and she used to sail +off at night to some place of public amusement, for Mrs. Crump had a +mysterious acquaintance with all sorts of theatrical personages; and +the gates of her old haunt "The Wells," of the "Cobourg" (by the +kind permission of Mrs. Davidge), nay, of the "Lane" and the +"Market" themselves, flew open before her "Open sesame," as the +robbers' door did to her colleague, Ali Baba (Hornbuckle), in the +operatic piece in which she was so famous. + +Beer was Mr. Crump's beverage, diversified by a little gin, in the +evenings; and little need be said of this gentleman, except that he +discharged his duties honourably, and filled the president's chair +at the club as completely as it could possibly be filled; for he +could not even sit in it in his greatcoat, so accurately was the +seat adapted to him. His wife and daughter, perhaps, thought +somewhat slightingly of him, for he had no literary tastes, and had +never been at a theatre since he took his bride from one. He was +valet to Lord Slapper at the time, and certain it is that his +lordship set him up in the "Bootjack," and that stories HAD been +told. But what are such to you or me? Let bygones be bygones; Mrs. +Crump was quite as honest as her neighbours, and Miss had five +hundred pounds to be paid down on the day of her wedding. + +Those who know the habits of the British tradesman are aware that he +has gregarious propensities like any lord in the land; that he loves +a joke, that he is not averse to a glass; that after the day's toil +he is happy to consort with men of his degree; and that as society +is not so far advanced among us as to allow him to enjoy the +comforts of splendid club-houses, which are open to many persons +with not a tenth part of his pecuniary means, he meets his friends +in the cosy tavern parlour, where a neat sanded floor, a large +Windsor chair, and a glass of hot something and water, make him as +happy as any of the clubmen in their magnificent saloons. + +At the "Bootjack" was, as we have said, a very genteel and select +society, called the "Kidney Club," from the fact that on Saturday +evenings a little graceful supper of broiled kidneys was usually +discussed by the members of the club. Saturday was their grand +night; not but that they met on all other nights in the week when +inclined for festivity: and indeed some of them could not come on +Saturdays in the summer having elegant villas in the suburbs, where +they passed the six-and-thirty hours of recreation that are happily +to be found at the end of every week. + +There was Mr. Balls, the great grocer of South Audley Street, a warm +man, who, they say, had his twenty thousand pounds; Jack Snaffle, of +the mews hard by, a capital fellow for a song; Clinker, the +ironmonger: all married gentlemen, and in the best line of +business; Tressle, the undertaker, etc. No liveries were admitted +into the room, as may be imagined, but one or two select butlers and +major-domos joined the circle; for the persons composing it knew +very well how important it was to be on good terms with these +gentlemen and many a time my lord's account would never have been +paid, and my lady's large order never have been given, but for the +conversation which took place at the "Bootjack," and the friendly +intercourse subsisting between all the members of the society. + +The tiptop men of the society were two bachelors, and two as +fashionable tradesmen as any in the town: Mr. Woolsey, from +Stultz's, of the famous house of Linsey, Woolsey and Co. of Conduit +Street, Tailors; and Mr. Eglantine, the celebrated perruquier and +perfumer of Bond Street, whose soaps, razors, and patent ventilating +scalps are know throughout Europe. Linsey, the senior partner of +the tailors' firm had his handsome mansion in Regent's Park, drove +his buggy, and did little more than lend his name to the house. +Woolsey lived in it, was the working man of the firm, and it was +said that his cut was as magnificent as that of any man in the +profession. Woolsey and Eglantine were rivals in many ways--rivals +in fashion, rivals in wit, and, above all, rivals for the hand of an +amiable young lady whom we have already mentioned, the dark-eyed +songstress Morgiana Crump. They were both desperately in love with +her, that was the truth; and each, in the absence of the other, +abused his rival heartily. Of the hairdresser Woolsey said, that as +for Eglantine being his real name, it was all his (Mr. Woolsey's) +eye; that he was in the hands of the Jews, and his stock and grand +shop eaten up by usury. And with regard to Woolsey, Eglantine +remarked, that his pretence of being descended from the Cardinal was +all nonsense; that he was a partner, certainly, in the firm, but had +only a sixteenth share; and that the firm could never get their +moneys in, and had an immense number of bad debts in their books. +As is usual, there was a great deal of truth and a great deal of +malice in these tales; however, the gentlemen were, take them all in +all, in a very fashionable way of business, and had their claims to +Miss Morgiana's hand backed by the parents. Mr. Crump was a +partisan of the tailor; while Mrs. C. was a strong advocate for the +claims of the enticing perfumer. + +Now, it was a curious fact, that these two gentlemen were each in +need of the other's services--Woolsey being afflicted with premature +baldness, or some other necessity for a wig still more +fatal--Eglantine being a very fat man, who required much art to make +his figure at all decent. He wore a brown frock-coat and frogs, and +attempted by all sorts of contrivances to hide his obesity; but +Woolsey's remark, that, dress as he would, he would always look like +a snob, and that there was only one man in England who could make a +gentleman of him, went to the perfumer's soul; and if there was one +thing on earth he longed for (not including the hand of Miss Crump) +it was to have a coat from Linsey's, in which costume he was sure +that Morgiana would not resist him. + +If Eglantine was uneasy about the coat, on the other hand he +attacked Woolsey atrociously on the score of his wig; for though the +latter went to the best makers, he never could get a peruke to sit +naturally upon him and the unhappy epithet of Mr. Wiggins, applied +to him on one occasion by the barber, stuck to him ever after in the +club, and made him writhe when it was uttered. Each man would have +quitted the "Kidneys" in disgust long since, but for the other--for +each had an attraction in the place, and dared not leave the field +in possession of his rival. + +To do Miss Morgiana justice, it must be said, that she did not +encourage one more than another; but as far as accepting +eau-de-Cologne and hair-combs from the perfumer--some opera tickets, +a treat to Greenwich, and a piece of real Genoa velvet for a bonnet +(it had originally been intended for a waistcoat), from the admiring +tailor, she had been equally kind to each, and in return had made +each a present of a lock of her beautiful glossy hair. It was all +she had to give, poor girl! and what could she do but gratify her +admirers by this cheap and artless testimony of her regard? A +pretty scene and quarrel took place between the rivals on the day +when they discovered that each was in possession of one of +Morgiana's ringlets. + +Such, then, were the owners and inmates of the little "Bootjack," +from whom and which, as this chapter is exceedingly discursive and +descriptive, we must separate the reader for a while, and carry +him--it is only into Bond Street, so no gentleman need be afraid-- +carry him into Bond Street, where some other personages are awaiting +his consideration. + +Not far from Mr. Eglantine's shop in Bond Street, stand, as is very +well known, the Windsor Chambers. The West Diddlesex Association +(Western Branch), the British and Foreign Soap Company, the +celebrated attorneys Kite and Levison, have their respective offices +here; and as the names of the other inhabitants of the chambers are +not only painted on the walls, but also registered in Mr. Boyle's +"Court Guide," it is quite unnecessary that they should be repeated +here. Among them, on the entresol (between the splendid saloons of +the Soap Company on the first floor, with their statue of Britannia +presenting a packet of the soap to Europe, Asia, Africa, and +America, and the West Diddlesex Western Branch on the basement)- +-lives a gentleman by the name of Mr. Howard Walker. The brass +plate on the door of that gentleman's chambers had the word "Agency" +inscribed beneath his name; and we are therefore at liberty to +imagine that he followed that mysterious occupation. In person Mr. +Walker was very genteel; he had large whiskers, dark eyes (with a +slight cast in them), a cane, and a velvet waistcoat. He was a +member of a club; had an admission to the opera, and knew every face +behind the scenes; and was in the habit of using a number of French +phrases in his conversation, having picked up a smattering of that +language during a residence "on the Continent;" in fact, he had +found it very convenient at various times of his life to dwell in +the city of Boulogne, where he acquired a knowledge of smoking, +ecarte, and billiards, which was afterwards of great service to him. +He knew all the best tables in town, and the marker at Hunt's could +only give him ten. He had some fashionable acquaintances too, and +you might see him walking arm-in-arm with such gentlemen as my Lord +Vauxhall, the Marquess of Billingsgate, or Captain Buff; and at the +same time nodding to young Moses, the dandy bailiff; or Loder, the +gambling-house keeper; or Aminadab, the cigar-seller in the +Quadrant. Sometimes he wore a pair of moustaches, and was called +Captain Walker; grounding his claim to that title upon the fact of +having once held a commission in the service of Her Majesty the +Queen of Portugal. It scarcely need be said that he had been +through the Insolvent Court many times. But to those who did not +know his history intimately there was some difficulty in identifying +him with the individual who had so taken the benefit of the law, +inasmuch as in his schedule his name appeared as Hooker Walker, +wine-merchant, commission-agent, music-seller, or what not. The +fact is, that though he preferred to call himself Howard, Hooker was +his Christian name, and it had been bestowed on him by his worthy +old father, who was a clergyman, and had intended his son for that +profession. But as the old gentleman died in York gaol, where he +was a prisoner for debt, he was never able to put his pious +intentions with regard to his son into execution; and the young +fellow (as he was wont with many oaths to assert) was thrown on his +own resources, and became a man of the world at a very early age. + +What Mr. Howard Walker's age was at the time of the commencement of +this history, and, indeed, for an indefinite period before or +afterwards, it is impossible to determine. If he were +eight-and-twenty, as he asserted himself, Time had dealt hardly with +him: his hair was thin, there were many crows'-feet about his eyes, +and other signs in his countenance of the progress of decay. If, on +the contrary, he were forty, as Sam Snaffle declared, who himself +had misfortunes in early life, and vowed he knew Mr. Walker in +Whitecross Street Prison in 1820, he was a very young-looking person +considering his age. His figure was active and slim, his leg neat, +and he had not in his whiskers a single white hair. + +It must, however, be owned that he used Mr. Eglantine's Regenerative +Unction (which will make your whiskers as black as your boot), and, +in fact, he was a pretty constant visitor at that gentleman's +emporium; dealing with him largely for soaps and articles of +perfumery, which he had at an exceedingly low rate. Indeed, he was +never known to pay Mr. Eglantine one single shilling for those +objects of luxury, and, having them on such moderate terms, was +enabled to indulge in them pretty copiously. Thus Mr. Walker was +almost as great a nosegay as Mr. Eglantine himself: his +handkerchief was scented with verbena, his hair with jessamine, and +his coat had usually a fine perfume of cigars, which rendered his +presence in a small room almost instantaneously remarkable. I have +described Mr. Walker thus accurately, because, in truth, it is more +with characters than with astounding events that this little history +deals, and Mr. Walker is one of the principal of our dramatis +personae. + +And so, having introduced Mr. W., we will walk over with him to Mr. +Eglantine's emporium, where that gentleman is in waiting, too, to +have his likeness taken. + +There is about an acre of plate glass under the Royal arms on Mr. +Eglantine's shop-window; and at night, when the gas is lighted, and +the washballs are illuminated, and the lambent flame plays fitfully +over numberless bottles of vari-coloured perfumes--now flashes on a +case of razors, and now lightens up a crystal vase, containing a +hundred thousand of his patent tooth-brushes--the effect of the +sight may be imagined. You don't suppose that he is a creature who +has those odious, simpering wax figures in his window, that are +called by the vulgar dummies? He is above such a wretched artifice; +and it is my belief that he would as soon have his own head chopped +off, and placed as a trunkless decoration to his shop-window, as +allow a dummy to figure there. On one pane you read in elegant gold +letters "Eglantinia"--'tis his essence for the handkerchief; on the +other is written "Regenerative Unction"--'tis his invaluable pomatum +for the hair. + +There is no doubt about it: Eglantine's knowledge of his profession +amounts to genius. He sells a cake of soap for seven shillings, for +which another man would not get a shilling, and his tooth-brushes go +off like wildfire at half-a-guinea apiece. If he has to administer +rouge or pearl-powder to ladies, he does it with a mystery and +fascination which there is no resisting, and the ladies believe +there are no cosmetics like his. He gives his wares unheard-of +names, and obtains for them sums equally prodigious. He CAN dress +hair--that is a fact--as few men in this age can; and has been known +to take twenty pounds in a single night from as many of the first +ladies of England when ringlets were in fashion. The introduction +of bands, he says, made a difference of two thousand pounds a year +in his income; and if there is one thing in the world he hates and +despises, it is a Madonna. "I'm not," says he, "a tradesman--I'm a +HARTIST" (Mr. Eglantine was born in London)--"I'm a hartist; and +show me a fine 'ead of air, and I'll dress it for nothink." He vows +that it was his way of dressing Mademoiselle Sontag's hair, that +caused the count her husband to fall in love with her; and he has a +lock of it in a brooch, and says it was the finest head he ever saw, +except one, and that was Morgiana Crump's. + +With his genius and his position in the profession, how comes it, +then, that Mr. Eglantine was not a man of fortune, as many a less +clever has been? If the truth must be told, he loved pleasure, and +was in the hands of the Jews. He had been in business twenty years: +he had borrowed a thousand pounds to purchase his stock and shop; +and he calculated that he had paid upwards of twenty thousand pounds +for the use of the one thousand, which was still as much due as on +the first day when he entered business. He could show that he had +received a thousand dozen of champagne from the disinterested +money-dealers with whom he usually negotiated his paper. He had +pictures all over his "studios," which had been purchased in the +same bargains. If he sold his goods at an enormous price, he paid +for them at a rate almost equally exorbitant. There was not an +article in his shop but came to him through his Israelite providers; +and in the very front shop itself sat a gentleman who was the +nominee of one of them, and who was called Mr. Mossrose. He was +there to superintend the cash account, and to see that certain +instalments were paid to his principals, according to certain +agreements entered into between Mr. Eglantine and them. + +Having that sort of opinion of Mr. Mossrose which Damocles may have +had of the sword which hung over his head, of course Mr. Eglantine +hated his foreman profoundly. "HE an artist," would the former +gentleman exclaim; "why, he's only a disguised bailiff! Mossrose +indeed! The chap's name's Amos, and he sold oranges before he came +here." Mr. Mossrose, on his side, utterly despised Mr. Eglantine, +and looked forward to the day when he would become the proprietor of +the shop, and take Eglantine for a foreman; and then it would HIS +turn to sneer and bully, and ride the high horse. + +Thus it will be seen that there was a skeleton in the great +perfumer's house, as the saying is: a worm in his heart's core, and +though to all appearance prosperous, he was really in an awkward +position. + +What Mr. Eglantine's relations were with Mr. Walker may be imagined +from the following dialogue which took place between the two +gentlemen at five o'clock one summer's afternoon, when Mr. Walker, +issuing from his chambers, came across to the perfumer's shop:-- + +"Is Eglantine at home, Mr. Mossrose?" said Walker to the foreman, +who sat in the front shop. + +"Don't know--go and look" (meaning go and be hanged); for Mossrose +also hated Mr. Walker. + +"If you're uncivil I'll break your bones, Mr. AMOS," says Mr. +Walker, sternly. + +"I should like to see you try, Mr. HOOKER Walker," replies the +undaunted shopman; on which the Captain, looking several tremendous +canings at him, walked into the back room or "studio." + +"How are you, Tiny my buck?" says the Captain. "Much doing?" + +"Not a soul in town. I 'aven't touched the hirons all day," replied +Mr. Eglantine, in rather a desponding way. + +"Well, just get them ready now, and give my whiskers a turn. I'm +going to dine with Billingsgate and some out-and-out fellows at the +'Regent,' and so, my lad, just do your best." + +"I can't," says Mr. Eglantine. "I expect ladies, Captain, every +minute." + +"Very good; I don't want to trouble such a great man, I'm sure. +Good-bye, and let me hear from you THIS DAY WEEK, Mr. Eglantine." +"This day week" meant that at seven days from that time a certain +bill accepted by Mr. Eglantine would be due, and presented for +payment. + +"Don't be in such a hurry, Captain--do sit down. I'll curl you in +one minute. And, I say, won't the party renew?" + +"Impossible--it's the third renewal." + +"But I'll make the thing handsome to you;--indeed I will." + +"How much?" + +"Will ten pounds do the business?" + +"What! offer my principal ten pounds? Are you mad, Eglantine?--A +little more of the iron to the left whisker." + +"No, I meant for commission." + +"Well, I'll see if that will do. The party I deal with, Eglantine, +has power, I know, and can defer the matter no doubt. As for me, +you know, I'VE nothing to do in the affair, and only act as a friend +between you and him. I give you my honour and soul, I do." + +"I know you do, my dear sir." The last two speeches were lies. The +perfumer knew perfectly well that Mr. Walker would pocket the ten +pounds; but he was too easy to care for paying it, and too timid to +quarrel with such a powerful friend. And he had on three different +occasions already paid ten pounds' fine for the renewal of the bill +in question, all of which bonuses he knew went to his friend Mr. +Walker. + +Here, too, the reader will perceive what was, in part, the meaning +of the word "Agency" on Mr. Walker's door. He was a go-between +between money-lenders and borrowers in this world, and certain small +sums always remained with him in the course of the transaction. He +was an agent for wine, too; an agent for places to be had through +the influence of great men; he was an agent for half-a-dozen +theatrical people, male and female, and had the interests of the +latter especially, it was said, at heart. Such were a few of the +means by which this worthy gentleman contrived to support himself, +and if, as he was fond of high living, gambling, and pleasures of +all kinds, his revenue was not large enough for his expenditure- +-why, he got into debt, and settled his bills that way. He was as +much at home in the Fleet as in Pall Mall, and quite as happy in the +one place as in the other. "That's the way I take things," would +this philosopher say. "If I've money, I spend; if I've credit, I +borrow; if I'm dunned, I whitewash; and so you can't beat me down." +Happy elasticity of temperament! I do believe that, in spite of his +misfortunes and precarious position, there was no man in England +whose conscience was more calm, and whose slumbers were more +tranquil, than those of Captain Howard Walker. + +As he was sitting under the hands of Mr. Eglantine, he reverted to +"the ladies," whom the latter gentleman professed to expect; said he +was a sly dog, a lucky ditto, and asked him if the ladies were +handsome. + +Eglantine thought there could be no harm in telling a bouncer to a +gentleman with whom he was engaged in money transactions; and so, to +give the Captain an idea of his solvency and the brilliancy of his +future prospects, "Captain," said he, "I've got a hundred and eighty +pounds out with you, which you were obliging enough to negotiate for +me. Have I, or have I not, two bills out to that amount?" + +"Well, my good fellow, you certainly have; and what then?" + +"What then? Why, I bet you five pounds to one, that in three months +those bills are paid." + +"Done! five pounds to one. I take it." + +This sudden closing with him made the perfumer rather uneasy; but he +was not to pay for three months, and so he said, "Done!" too, and +went on: "What would you say if your bills were paid?" + +"Not mine; Pike's." + +"Well, if Pike's were paid; and the Minories' man paid, and every +single liability I have cleared off; and that Mossrose flung out of +winder, and me and my emporium as free as hair?" + +"You don't say so? Is Queen Anne dead? and has she left you a +fortune? or what's the luck in the wind now?" + +"It's better than Queen Anne, or anybody dying. What should you say +to seeing in that very place where Mossrose now sits (hang him!)- +-seeing the FINEST HEAD OF 'AIR NOW IN EUROPE? A woman, I tell +you--a slap-up lovely woman, who, I'm proud to say, will soon be +called Mrs. Heglantine, and will bring me five thousand pounds to +her fortune." + +"Well, Tiny, this IS good luck indeed. I say, you'll be able to do +a bill or two for ME then, hay? You won't forget an old friend?" + +"That I won't. I shall have a place at my board for you, Capting; +and many's the time I shall 'ope to see you under that ma'ogany." + +"What will the French milliner say? She'll hang herself for +despair, Eglantine." + +"Hush! not a word about 'ER. I've sown all my wild oats, I tell +you. Eglantine is no longer the gay young bachelor, but the sober +married man. I want a heart to share the feelings of mine. I want +repose. I'm not so young as I was: I feel it." + +"Pooh! pooh! you are--you are--" + +"Well, but I sigh for an 'appy fireside; and I'll have it." + +"And give up that club which you belong to, hay?" + +"'The Kidneys?' Oh! of course, no married man should belong to such +places: at least, I'LL not; and I'll have my kidneys broiled at +home. But be quiet, Captain, if you please; the ladies appointed +to--" + +"And is it THE lady you expect? eh, you rogue!" + +"Well, get along. It's her and her Ma." + +But Mr. Walker determined he wouldn't get along, and would see these +lovely ladies before he stirred. + +The operation on Mr. Walker's whiskers being concluded, he was +arranging his toilet before the glass in an agreeable attitude: his +neck out, his enormous pin settled in his stock to his satisfaction, +his eyes complacently directed towards the reflection of his left +and favourite whisker. Eglantine was laid on a settee, in an easy, +though melancholy posture; he was twiddling the tongs with which he +had just operated on Walker with one hand, and his right-hand +ringlet with the other, and he was thinking--thinking of Morgiana; +and then of the bill which was to become due on the 16th; and then +of a light-blue velvet waistcoat with gold sprigs, in which he +looked very killing, and so was trudging round in his little circle +of loves, fears, and vanities. "Hang it!" Mr. Walker was thinking, +"I AM a handsome man. A pair of whiskers like mine are not met with +every day. If anybody can see that my tuft is dyed, may I be--" +When the door was flung open, and a large lady with a curl on her +forehead, yellow shawl, a green-velvet bonnet with feathers, +half-boots, and a drab gown with tulips and other large exotics +painted on it--when, in a word, Mrs. Crump and her daughter bounced +into the room. + +"Here we are, Mr. E," cries Mrs. Crump, in a gay folatre +confidential air. "But law! there's a gent in the room!" + +"Don't mind me, ladies," said the gent alluded to, in his +fascinating way. "I'm a friend of Eglantine's; ain't I, Egg? a chip +of the old block, hay?" + +"THAT you are," said the perfumer, starting up. + +"An 'air-dresser?" asked Mrs. Crump. "Well, I thought he was; +there's something, Mr. E., in gentlemen of your profession so +exceeding, so uncommon distangy." + +"Madam, you do me proud," replied the gentleman so complimented, +with great presence of mind. "Will you allow me to try my skill +upon you, or upon Miss, your lovely daughter? I'm not so clever as +Eglantine, but no bad hand, I assure you." + +"Nonsense, Captain," interrupted the perfumer, who was uncomfortable +somehow at the rencontre between the Captain and the object of his +affection. "HE'S not in the profession, Mrs. C. This is my friend +Captain Walker, and proud I am to call him my friend." And then +aside to Mrs. C., "One of the first swells on town, ma'am--a regular +tiptopper." + +Humouring the mistake which Mrs. Crump had just made, Mr. Walker +thrust the curling-irons into the fire in a minute, and looked round +at the ladies with such a fascinating grace, that both, now made +acquainted with his quality, blushed and giggled, and were quite +pleased. Mamma looked at 'Gina, and 'Gina looked at mamma; and then +mamma gave 'Gina a little blow in the region of her little waist, +and then both burst out laughing, as ladies will laugh, and as, let +us trust, they may laugh for ever and ever. Why need there be a +reason for laughing? Let us laugh when we are laughy, as we sleep +when we are sleepy. And so Mrs. Crump and her demoiselle laughed to +their hearts' content; and both fixed their large shining black eyes +repeatedly on Mr. Walker. + +"I won't leave the room," said he, coming forward with the heated +iron in his hand, and smoothing it on the brown paper with all the +dexterity of a professor (for the fact is, Mr. W. every morning +curled his own immense whiskers with the greatest skill and care)-- +"I won't leave the room, Eglantine my boy. My lady here took me for +a hairdresser, and so, you know, I've a right to stay." + +"He can't stay," said Mrs. Crump, all of a sudden, blushing as red +as a peony. + +"I shall have on my peignoir, Mamma," said Miss, looking at the +gentleman, and then dropping down her eyes and blushing too. + +"But he can't stay, 'Gina, I tell you: do you think that I would, +before a gentleman, take off my--" + +"Mamma means her FRONT!" said Miss, jumping up, and beginning to +laugh with all her might; at which the honest landlady of the +"Bootjack," who loved a joke, although at her own expense, laughed +too, and said that no one, except Mr. Crump and Mr. Eglantine, had +ever seen her without the ornament in question. + +"DO go now, you provoking thing, you!" continued Miss C. to Mr. +Walker; "I wish to hear the hoverture, and it's six o'clock now, and +we shall never be done against then:" but the way in which Morgiana +said "DO go," clearly indicated "don't" to the perspicacious mind of +Mr. Walker. + +"Perhaps you 'ad better go," continued Mr. Eglantine, joining in +this sentiment, and being, in truth, somewhat uneasy at the +admiration which his "swell friend" excited. + +"I'll see you hanged first, Eggy my boy! Go I won't, until these +ladies have had their hair dressed: didn't you yourself tell me +that Miss Crump's was the most beautiful hair in Europe? And do you +think that I'll go away without seeing it? No, here I stay." + +"You naughty wicked odious provoking man!" said Miss Crump. But, at +the same time, she took off her bonnet, and placed it on one of the +side candlesticks of Mr. Eglantine's glass (it was a black-velvet +bonnet, trimmed with sham lace, and with a wreath of nasturtiums, +convolvuluses, and wallflowers within), and then said, "Give me the +peignoir, Mr. Archibald, if you please;" and Eglantine, who would do +anything for her when she called him Archibald, immediately produced +that garment, and wrapped round the delicate shoulders of the lady, +who, removing a sham gold chain which she wore on her forehead, two +brass hair-combs set with glass rubies, and the comb which kept her +back hair together--removing them, I say, and turning her great eyes +towards the stranger, and giving her head a shake, down let tumble +such a flood of shining waving heavy glossy jetty hair, as would +have done Mr. Rowland's heart good to see. It tumbled down Miss +Morgiana's back, and it tumbled over her shoulders, it tumbled over +the chair on which she sat, and from the midst of it her jolly +bright-eyed rosy face beamed out with a triumphant smile, which +said, "A'n't I now the most angelic being you ever saw?" + +"By Heaven! it's the most beautiful thing I ever saw!" cried Mr. +Walker, with undisguised admiration. + +"ISN'T it?" said Mrs. Crump, who made her daughter's triumph her +own. "Heigho! when I acted at 'The Wells' in 1820, before that dear +girl was born, _I_ had such a head of hair as that, to a shade, sir, +to a shade. They called me Ravenswing on account of it. I lost my +head of hair when that dear child was born, and I often say to her, +'Morgiana, you came into the world to rob your mother of her 'air.' +Were you ever at 'The Wells,' sir, in 1820? Perhaps you recollect +Miss Delancy? I am that Miss Delancy. Perhaps you recollect,-- + + "'Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, + By the light of the star, + On the blue river's brink, + I heard a guitar. + + "'I heard a guitar, + On the blue waters clear, + And knew by its mu-u-sic, + That Selim was near!' + +You remember that in the 'Bagdad Bells'? Fatima, Delancy; Selim, +Benlomond (his real name was Bunnion: and he failed, poor fellow, +in the public line afterwards). It was done to the tambourine, and +dancing between each verse,-- + + "'Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, + How the soft music swells, + And I hear the soft clink + Of the minaret bells! + + "'Tink-a--'" + +"Oh!" here cried Miss Crump, as if in exceeding pain (and whether +Mr. Eglantine had twitched, pulled, or hurt any one individual hair +of that lovely head I don't know)--"Oh, you are killing me, Mr. +Eglantine!" + +And with this mamma, who was in her attitude, holding up the end of +her boa as a visionary tambourine, and Mr. Walker, who was looking +at her, and in his amusement at the mother's performances had almost +forgotten the charms of the daughter--both turned round at once, and +looked at her with many expressions of sympathy, while Eglantine, in +a voice of reproach, said, "KILLED you, Morgiana! I kill YOU?" + +"I'm better now," said the young lady, with a smile--"I'm better, +Mr. Archibald, now." And if the truth must be told, no greater +coquette than Miss Morgiana existed in all Mayfair--no, not among +the most fashionable mistresses of the fashionable valets who +frequented the "Bootjack." She believed herself to be the most +fascinating creature that the world ever produced; she never saw a +stranger but she tried these fascinations upon him; and her charms +of manner and person were of that showy sort which is most popular +in this world, where people are wont to admire most that which gives +them the least trouble to see; and so you will find a tulip of a +woman to be in fashion when a little humble violet or daisy of +creation is passed over without remark. Morgiana was a tulip among +women, and the tulip fanciers all came flocking round her. + +Well, the said "Oh" and "I'm better now, Mr. Archibald," thereby +succeeded in drawing everybody's attention to her lovely self. By +the latter words Mr. Eglantine was specially inflamed; he glanced at +Mr. Walker, and said, "Capting! didn't I tell you she was a +CREECHER? See her hair, sir: it's as black and as glossy as +satting. It weighs fifteen pound, that hair, sir; and I wouldn't let +my apprentice--that blundering Mossrose, for instance (hang him!)--I +wouldn't let anyone but myself dress that hair for five hundred +guineas! Ah, Miss Morgiana, remember that you MAY ALWAYS have +Eglantine to dress your hair!--remember that, that's all." And with +this the worthy gentleman began rubbing delicately a little of the +Eglantinia into those ambrosial locks, which he loved with all the +love of a man and an artist. + +And as for Morgiana showing her hair, I hope none of my readers will +entertain a bad opinion of the poor girl for doing so. Her locks +were her pride; she acted at the private theatre "hair parts," where +she could appear on purpose to show them in a dishevelled state; and +that her modesty was real, and not affected may be proved by the +fact that when Mr. Walker, stepping up in the midst of Eglantine's +last speech, took hold of a lock of her hair very gently with his +hand, she cried "Oh!" and started with all her might. And Mr. +Eglantine observed very gravely, "Capting! Miss Crump's hair is to +be seen and not to be touched, if you please." + +"No more it is, Mr. Eglantine!" said her mamma. "And now, as it's +come to my turn, I beg the gentleman will be so obliging as to go." + +"MUST I?" cried Mr. Walker; and as it was half-past six, and he was +engaged to dinner at the "Regent Club," and as he did not wish to +make Eglantine jealous, who evidently was annoyed by his staying, he +took his hat just as Miss Crump's coiffure was completed, and +saluting her and her mamma, left the room. + +"A tip-top swell, I can assure you," said Eglantine, nodding after +him: "a regular bang-up chap, and no MISTAKE. Intimate with the +Marquess of Billingsgate, and Lord Vauxhall, and that set." + +"He's very genteel," said Mrs. Crump. + +"Law! I'm sure I think nothing of him," said Morgiana. + +And Captain Walker walked towards his club, meditating on the +beauties of Morgiana. "What hair," said he, "what eyes the girl +has! they're as big as billiard-balls; and five thousand pounds. +Eglantine's in luck! five thousand pounds--she can't have it, it's +impossible!" + +No sooner was Mrs. Crump's front arranged, during the time of which +operation Morgiana sat in perfect contentment looking at the last +French fashions in the Courrier des Dames, and thinking how her pink +satin slip would dye, and make just such a mantilla as that +represented in the engraving--no sooner was Mrs. Crump's front +arranged, than both ladies, taking leave of Mr. Eglantine, tripped +back to the "Bootjack Hotel" in the neighbourhood, where a very neat +green fly was already in waiting, the gentleman on the box of which +(from a livery-stable in the neighbourhood) gave a knowing touch to +his hat, and a salute with his whip, to the two ladies, as they +entered the tavern. + +"Mr. W.'s inside," said the man--a driver from Mr. Snaffle's +establishment; "he's been in and out this score of times, and +looking down the street for you." And in the house, in fact, was +Mr. Woolsey, the tailor, who had hired the fly, and was engaged to +conduct the ladies that evening to the play. + +It was really rather too bad to think that Miss Morgiana, after +going to one lover to have her hair dressed, should go with another +to the play; but such is the way with lovely woman! Let her have a +dozen admirers, and the dear coquette will exercise her power upon +them all: and as a lady, when she has a large wardrobe, and a taste +for variety in dress, will appear every day in a different costume, +so will the young and giddy beauty wear her lovers, encouraging now +the black whiskers, now smiling on the brown, now thinking that the +gay smiling rattle of an admirer becomes her very well, and now +adopting the sad sentimental melancholy one, according as her +changeful fancy prompts her. Let us not be too angry with these +uncertainties and caprices of beauty; and depend on it that, for the +most part, those females who cry out loudest against the flightiness +of their sisters, and rebuke their undue encouragement of this man +or that, would do as much themselves if they had the chance, and are +constant, as I am to my coat just now, because I have no other. + +"Did you see Doubleyou, 'Gina dear?" said her mamma, addressing that +young lady. "He's in the bar with your Pa, and has his military +coat with the king's buttons, and looks like an officer." + +This was Mr. Woolsey's style, his great aim being to look like an +army gent, for many of whom he in his capacity of tailor made those +splendid red and blue coats which characterise our military. As for +the royal button, had not he made a set of coats for his late +Majesty, George IV.? and he would add, when he narrated this +circumstance, "Sir, Prince Blucher and Prince Swartzenberg's +measure's in the house now; and what's more, I've cut for +Wellington." I believe he would have gone to St. Helena to make a +coat for Napoleon, so great was his ardour. He wore a blue-black +wig, and his whiskers were of the same hue. He was brief and stern +in conversations; and he always went to masquerades and balls in a +field-marshal's uniform. + +"He looks really quite the thing to-night," continued Mrs. Crump. + +"Yes," said 'Gina; "but he's such an odious wig, and the dye of his +whiskers always comes off on his white gloves." + +"Everybody has not their own hair, love," continued Mrs. Crump with +a sigh; "but Eglantine's is beautiful." + +"Every hairdresser's is," answered Morgiana, rather contemptuously; +"but what I can't bear is that their fingers is always so very fat +and pudgy." + +In fact, something had gone wrong with the fair Morgiana. Was it +that she had but little liking for the one pretender or the other? +Was it that young Glauber, who acted Romeo in the private +theatricals, was far younger and more agreeable than either? Or was +it, that seeing a REAL GENTLEMAN, such as Mr. Walker, with whom she +had had her first interview, she felt more and more the want of +refinement in her other declared admirers? Certain, however, it is, +that she was very reserved all the evening, in spite of the +attentions of Mr. Woolsey; that she repeatedly looked round at the +box-door, as if she expected someone to enter; and that she partook +of only a very few oysters, indeed, out of the barrel which the +gallant tailor had sent down to the "Bootjack," and off which the +party supped. + +"What is it?" said Mr. Woolsey to his ally, Crump, as they sat +together after the retirement of the ladies. "She was dumb all +night. She never once laughed at the farce, nor cried at the +tragedy, and you know she laughs and cries uncommon. She only took +half her negus, and not above a quarter of her beer." + +"No more she did!" replied Mr. Crump, very calmly. "I think it must +be the barber as has been captivating her: he dressed her hair for +the play." + +"Hang him, I'll shoot him!" said Mr. Woolsey. "A fat foolish +effeminate beast like that marry Miss Morgiana? Never! I WILL +shoot him. I'll provoke him next Saturday--I'll tread on his +toe--I'll pull his nose." + +"No quarrelling at the 'Kidneys!'" answered Crump sternly; "there +shall be no quarrelling in that room as long as I'm in the chair!" + + +"Well, at any rate you'll stand my friend?" + +"You know I will," answered the other. "You are honourable, and I +like you better than Eglantine. I trust you more than Eglantine, +sir. You're more of a man than Eglantine, though you ARE a tailor; +and I wish with all my heart you may get Morgiana. Mrs. C. goes the +other way, I know: but I tell you what, women will go their own +ways, sir, and Morgy's like her mother in this point, and depend +upon it, Morgy will decide for herself." + +Mr. Woolsey presently went home, still persisting in his plan for +the assassination of Eglantine. Mr. Crump went to bed very quietly, +and snored through the night in his usual tone. Mr. Eglantine +passed some feverish moments of jealousy, for he had come down to +the club in the evening, and had heard that Morgiana was gone to the +play with his rival. And Miss Morgiana dreamed, of a man who was- +-must we say it?--exceedingly like Captain Howard Walker. "Mrs. +Captain So-and-so!" thought she. "Oh, I do love a gentleman +dearly!" + +And about this time, too, Mr. Walker himself came rolling home from +the "Regent," hiccupping. "Such hair!--such eyebrows!--such eyes! +like b-b-billiard-balls, by Jove!' + + + +CHAPTER II. + + + +IN WHICH MR. WALKER MAKES THREE ATTEMPTS TO ASCERTAIN THE DWELLING +OF MORGIANA. + +The day after the dinner at the "Regent Club," Mr. Walker stepped +over to the shop of his friend the perfumer, where, as usual, the +young man, Mr. Mossrose, was established in the front premises. + +For some reason or other, the Captain was particularly +good-humoured; and, quite forgetful of the words which had passed +between him and Mr. Eglantine's lieutenant the day before, began +addressing the latter with extreme cordiality. + +"A good morning to you, Mr. Mossrose," said Captain Walker. "Why, +sir, you look as fresh as your namesake--you do, indeed, now, +Mossrose." + +"You look ash yellow ash a guinea," responded Mr. Mossrose, sulkily. +He thought the Captain was hoaxing him. + +"My good sir," replies the other, nothing cast down, "I drank rather +too freely last night." + +"The more beast you!" said Mr. Mossrose. + +"Thank you, Mossrose; the same to you," answered the Captain. + +"If you call me a beast, I'll punch your head off!" answered the +young man, who had much skill in the art which many of his brethren +practise. + +"I didn't, my fine fellow," replied Walker. "On the contrary, you-- +" + +"Do you mean to give me the lie?" broke out the indignant Mossrose, +who hated the agent fiercely, and did not in the least care to +conceal his hate. + +In fact, it was his fixed purpose to pick a quarrel with Walker, and +to drive him, if possible, from Mr. Eglantine's shop. "Do you mean +to give me the lie, I say, Mr. Hooker Walker?" + +"For Heaven's sake, Amos, hold your tongue!" exclaimed the Captain, +to whom the name of Hooker was as poison; but at this moment a +customer stepping in, Mr. Amos exchanged his ferocious aspect for a +bland grin, and Mr. Walker walked into the studio. + +When in Mr. Eglantine's presence, Walker, too, was all smiles in a +minute, sank down on a settee, held out his hand to the perfumer, +and began confidentially discoursing with him. + +"SUCH a dinner, Tiny my boy," said he; "such prime fellows to eat +it, too! Billingsgate, Vauxhall, Cinqbars, Buff of the Blues, and +half-a-dozen more of the best fellows in town. And what do you +think the dinner cost a head? I'll wager you'll never guess." + +"Was it two guineas a head?--In course I mean without wine," said +the genteel perfumer. + +"Guess again!" + +"Well, was it ten guineas a head? I'll guess any sum you please," +replied Mr. Eglantine: "for I know that when you NOBS are together, +you don't spare your money. I myself, at the "Star and Garter" at +Richmond, once paid--" + +"Eighteenpence?" + +"Heighteenpence, sir!--I paid five-and-thirty shillings per 'ead. +I'd have you to know that I can act as a gentleman as well as any +other gentleman, sir," answered the perfumer with much dignity. + +"Well, eighteenpence was what WE paid, and not a rap more, upon my +honour." + +"Nonsense, you're joking. The Marquess of Billinsgate dine for +eighteenpence! Why, hang it, if I was a marquess, I'd pay a +five-pound note for my lunch." + +"You little know the person, Master Eglantine," replied the Captain, +with a smile of contemptuous superiority; "you little know the real +man of fashion, my good fellow. Simplicity, sir--simplicity's the +characteristic of the real gentleman, and so I'll tell you what we +had for dinner." + +"Turtle and venison, of course:--no nob dines without THEM." + +"Psha! we're sick of 'em! We had pea soup and boiled tripe! What +do you think of THAT? We had sprats and herrings, a bullock's +heart, a baked shoulder of mutton and potatoes, pig's-fry and Irish +stew. _I_ ordered the dinner, sir, and got more credit for +inventing it than they ever gave to Ude or Soyer. The Marquess was +in ecstasies, the Earl devoured half a bushel of sprats, and if the +Viscount is not laid up with a surfeit of bullock's heart, my name's +not Howard Walker. Billy, as I call him, was in the chair, and gave +my health; and what do you think the rascal proposed?" + +"What DID his Lordship propose?" + +"That every man present should subscribe twopence, and pay for my +share of the dinner. By Jove! it is true, and the money was handed +to me in a pewter-pot, of which they also begged to make me a +present. We afterwards went to Tom Spring's, from Tom's to the +'Finish,' from the 'Finish' to the watch-house--that is, THEY did-- +and sent for me, just as I was getting into bed, to bail them all +out." + +"They're happy dogs, those young noblemen," said Mr Eglantine; +"nothing but pleasure from morning till night; no affectation +neither--no HOTURE; but manly downright straightforward good +fellows." + +"Should you like to meet them, Tiny my boy?" said the Captain. + +"If I did sir, I hope I should show myself to be gentleman," +answered Mr. Eglantine. + +"Well, you SHALL meet them, and Lady Billingsgate shall order her +perfumes at your shop. We are going to dine, next week, all our +set, at Mealy-faced Bob's, and you shall be my guest," cried the +Captain, slapping the delighted artist on the back. "And now, my +boy, tell me how YOU spent the evening." + +"At my club, sir," answered Mr. Eglantine, blushing rather. + +"What! not at the play with the lovely black-eyed Miss--What is her +name, Eglantine? + +"Never mind her name, Captain," replied Eglantine, partly from +prudence and partly from shame. He had not the heart to own it was +Crump, and he did not care that the Captain should know more of his +destined bride. + +"You wish to keep the five thousand to yourself--eh, you rogue?" +responded the Captain, with a good-humoured air, although +exceedingly mortified; for, to say the truth, he had put himself to +the trouble of telling the above long story of the dinner, and of +promising to introduce Eglantine to the lords, solely that he might +elicit from that gentleman's good-humour some further particulars +regarding the young lady with the billiard-ball eyes. It was for +the very same reason, too, that he had made the attempt at +reconciliation with Mr. Mossrose which had just so signally failed. +Nor would the reader, did he know Mr. W. better, at all require to +have the above explanation; but as yet we are only at the first +chapter of his history, and who is to know what the hero's motives +can be unless we take the trouble to explain? + +Well, the little dignified answer of the worthy dealer in bergamot, +"NEVER MIND HER NAME, CAPTAIN!" threw the gallant Captain quite +aback; and though he sat for a quarter of an hour longer, and was +exceedingly kind; and though he threw out some skilful hints, yet +the perfumer was quite unconquerable; or, rather, he was too +frightened to tell: the poor fat timid easy good-natured gentleman +was always the prey of rogues,--panting and floundering in one +rascal's snare or another's. He had the dissimulation, too, which +timid men have; and felt the presence of a victimiser as a hare does +of a greyhound. Now he would be quite still, now he would double, +and now he would run, and then came the end. He knew, by his sure +instinct of fear, that the Captain had, in asking these questions, a +scheme against him, and so he was cautious, and trembled, and +doubted. And oh! how he thanked his stars when Lady Grogmore's +chariot drove up, with the Misses Grogmore, who wanted their hair +dressed, and were going to a breakfast at three o'clock! + +"I'll look in again, Tiny," said the Captain, on hearing the +summons. + +"DO, Captain," said the other: "THANK YOU;" and went into the lady's +studio with a heavy heart. + +"Get out of the way, you infernal villain!" roared the Captain, with +many oaths, to Lady Grogmore's large footman, with ruby-coloured +tights, who was standing inhaling the ten thousand perfumes of the +shop; and the latter, moving away in great terror, the gallant agent +passed out, quite heedless of the grin of Mr. Mossrose. + +Walker was in a fury at his want of success, and walked down Bond +Street in a fury. "I WILL know where the girl lives!" swore he. +"I'll spend a five-pound note, by Jove! rather than not know where +she lives!" + +"THAT YOU WOULD--I KNOW YOU WOULD!" said a little grave low voice, +all of a sudden, by his side." Pooh! what's money to you?" + +Walker looked down: it was Tom Dale. + +Who in London did not know little Tom Dale? He had cheeks like an +apple, and his hair curled every morning, and a little blue stock, +and always two new magazines under his arm, and an umbrella and a +little brown frock-coat, and big square-toed shoes with which he +went PAPPING down the street. He was everywhere at once. Everybody +met him every day, and he knew everything that everybody ever did; +though nobody ever knew what HE did. He was, they say, a hundred +years old, and had never dined at his own charge once in those +hundred years. He looked like a figure out of a waxwork, with +glassy clear meaningless eyes: he always spoke with a grin; he knew +what you had for dinner the day before he met you, and what +everybody had had for dinner for a century back almost. He was the +receptacle of all the scandal of all the world, from Bond Street to +Bread Street; he knew all the authors, all the actors, all the +"notorieties" of the town, and the private histories of each. That +is, he never knew anything really, but supplied deficiencies of +truth and memory with ready-coined, never-failing lies. He was the +most benevolent man in the universe, and never saw you without +telling you everything most cruel of your neighbour, and when he +left you he went to do the same kind turn by yourself. + +"Pooh! what's money to you, my dear boy?" said little Tom Dale, who +had just come out of Ebers's, where he had been filching an +opera-ticket. "You make it in bushels in the City, you know you +do---in thousands. I saw you go into Eglantine's. Fine business +that; finest in London. Five-shilling cakes of soap, my dear boy. +I can't wash with such. Thousands a year that man has made--hasn't +he?" + +"Upon my word, Tom, I don't know," says the Captain. + +"YOU not know? Don't tell me. You know everything--you agents. +You KNOW he makes five thousand a year--ay, and might make ten, but +you know why he don't." + +"Indeed I don't." + +"Nonsense. Don't humbug a poor old fellow like me. +Jews--Amos--fifty per cent., ay? Why can't he get his money from a +good Christian?" + +"I HAVE heard something of that sort," said Walker, laughing. "Why, +by Jove, Tom, you know everything!" + +"YOU know everything, my dear boy. You know what a rascally trick +that opera creature served him, poor fellow. Cashmere shawls--Storr +and Mortimer's--'Star and Garter.' Much better dine quiet off +pea-soup and sprats--ay? His betters have, as you know very well." + +"Pea-soup and sprats! What! have you heard of that already?" + +"Who bailed Lord Billingsgate, hey, you rogue?" and here Tom gave a +knowing and almost demoniacal grin. "Who wouldn't go to the +'Finish'? Who had the piece of plate presented to him filled with +sovereigns? And you deserved it, my dear boy--you deserved it. +They said it was only halfpence, but I know better!" and here Tom +went off in a cough. + +"I say, Tom," cried Walker, inspired with a sudden thought, "you, +who know everything, and are a theatrical man, did you ever know a +Miss Delancy, an actress?" + +"At 'Sadler's Wells' in '16? Of course I did. Real name was Budge. +Lord Slapper admired her very much, my dear boy. She married a man +by the name of Crump, his Lordship's black footman, and brought him +five thousand pounds; and they keep the 'Bootjack' public-house in +Bunker's Buildings, and they've got fourteen children. Is one of +them handsome, eh, you sly rogue--and is it that which you will give +five pounds to know? God bless you, my dear dear boy. Jones, my +dear friend, how are you?" + +And now, seizing on Jones, Tom Dale left Mr. Walker alone, and +proceeded to pour into Mr. Jones's ear an account of the individual +whom he had just quitted; how he was the best fellow in the world, +and Jones KNEW it; how he was in a fine way of making his fortune; +how he had been in the Fleet many times, and how he was at this +moment employed in looking out for a young lady of whom a certain +great marquess (whom Jones knew very well, too) had expressed an +admiration. + +But for these observations, which he did not hear, Captain Walker, +it may be pronounced, did not care. His eyes brightened up, he +marched quickly and gaily away; and turning into his own chambers +opposite Eglantine's, shop, saluted that establishment with a grin +of triumph. "You wouldn't tell me her name, wouldn't you?" said Mr. +Walker. "Well, the luck's with me now, and here goes." + +Two days after, as Mr. Eglantine, with white gloves and a case of +eau-de-Cologne as a present in his pocket, arrived at the "Bootjack +Hotel," Little Bunker's Buildings, Berkeley Square (for it must out- +-that was the place in which Mr. Crump's inn was situated), he +paused for a moment at the threshold of the little house of +entertainment, and listened, with beating heart, to the sound of +delicious music that a well-known voice was uttering within. + +The moon was playing in silvery brightness down the gutter of the +humble street. A "helper," rubbing down one of Lady Smigsmag's +carriage-horses, even paused in his whistle to listen to the strain. +Mr. Tressle's man, who had been professionally occupied, ceased his +tap-tap upon the coffin which he was getting in readiness. The +greengrocer (there is always a greengrocer in those narrow streets, +and he goes out in white Berlin gloves as a supernumerary footman) +was standing charmed at his little green gate; the cobbler (there is +always a cobbler too) was drunk, as usual, of evenings, but, with +unusual subordination, never sang except when the refrain of the +ditty arrived, when he hiccupped it forth with tipsy loyalty; and +Eglantine leaned against the chequers painted on the door-side under +the name of Crump, and looked at the red illumined curtain of the +bar, and the vast well-known shadow of Mrs. Crump's turban within. +Now and again the shadow of that worthy matron's hand would be seen +to grasp the shadow of a bottle; then the shadow of a cup would rise +towards the turban, and still the strain proceeded. Eglantine, I +say, took out his yellow bandanna, and brushed the beady drops from +his brow, and laid the contents of his white kids on his heart, and +sighed with ecstatic sympathy. The song began,-- + + "Come to the greenwood tree, {1} + Come where the dark woods be, + Dearest, O come with me! + Let us rove--O my love--O my love! + O my-y love! + +(Drunken Cobbler without) + O my-y love!" + +"Beast!" says Eglantine. + + "Come--'tis the moonlight hour, + Dew is on leaf and flower, + Come to the linden bower, + Let us rove--O my love--O my love! + Let us ro-o-ove, lurlurliety; yes, we'll rove, lurlurliety, + Through the gro-o-ove, lurlurliety--lurlurli-e-i-e-i-e-i! + +(Cobbler, as usual)-- + Let us ro-o-ove," etc. + +"YOU here?" says another individual, coming clinking up the street, +in a military-cut dress-coat, the buttons whereof shone very bright +in the moonlight. "YOU here, Eglantine?--You're always here." + +"Hush, Woolsey," said Mr. Eglantine to his rival the tailor (for he +was the individual in question); and Woolsey, accordingly, put his +back against the opposite door-post and chequers, so that (with poor +Eglantine's bulk) nothing much thicker than a sheet of paper could +pass out or in. And thus these two amorous caryatides kept guard as +the song continued:-- + + "Dark is the wood, and wide, + Dangers, they say, betide; + But, at my Albert's side, + Nought, I fear, O my love--O my love! + + "Welcome the greenwood tree, + Welcome the forest tree, + Dearest, with thee, with thee, + Nought I fear, O my love--O ma-a-y love!" + +Eglantine's fine eyes were filled with tears as Morgiana +passionately uttered the above beautiful words. Little Woolsey's +eyes glistened, as he clenched his fist with an oath, and said, +"Show me any singing that can beat THAT. Cobbler, shut your mouth, +or I'll break your head!" + +But the cobbler, regardless of the threat, continued to perform the +"Lurlurliety" with great accuracy; and when that was ended, both on +his part and Morgiana's, a rapturous knocking of glasses was heard +in the little bar, then a great clapping of hands, and finally +somebody shouted "Brava!" + +"Brava!" + +At that word Eglantine turned deadly pale, then gave a start, then a +rush forward, which pinned, or rather cushioned, the tailor against +the wall; then twisting himself abruptly round, he sprang to the +door of the bar, and bounced into that apartment. + +"HOW ARE YOU, MY NOSEGAY?" exclaimed the same voice which had +shouted "Brava!" It was that of Captain Walker. + +At ten o'clock the next morning, a gentleman, with the King's button +on his military coat, walked abruptly into Mr. Eglantine's shop, +and, turning on Mr. Mossrose, said, "Tell your master I want to see +him." + +"He's in his studio," said Mr. Mossrose. + +"Well, then, fellow, go and fetch him!" + +And Mossrose, thinking it must be the Lord Chamberlain, or Doctor +Praetorius at least, walked into the studio, where the perfumer was +seated in a very glossy old silk dressing-gown, his fair hair +hanging over his white face, his double chin over his flaccid +whity-brown shirt-collar, his pea-green slippers on the hob, and on +the fire the pot of chocolate which was simmering for his breakfast. +A lazier fellow than poor Eglantine it would be hard to find; +whereas, on the contrary, Woolsey was always up and brushed, +spick-and-span, at seven o'clock; and had gone through his books, +and given out the work for the journeymen, and eaten a hearty +breakfast of rashers of bacon, before Eglantine had put the usual +pound of grease to his hair (his fingers were always as damp and +shiny as if he had them in a pomatum-pot), and arranged his figure +for the day. + +"Here's a gent wants you in the shop," says Mr. Mossrose, leaving +the door of communication wide open. + +"Say I'm in bed, Mr. Mossrose; I'm out of sperrets, and really can +see nobody." + +"It's someone from Vindsor, I think; he's got the royal button," +says Mossrose. + +"It's me--Woolsey," shouted the little man from the shop. + +Mr. Eglantine at this jumped up, made a rush to the door leading to +his private apartment, and disappeared in a twinkling. But it must +not be imagined that he fled in order to avoid Mr. Woolsey. He only +went away for one minute just to put on his belt, for he was ashamed +to be seen without it by his rival. + +This being assumed, and his toilet somewhat arranged, Mr. Woolsey +was admitted into his private room. And Mossrose would have heard +every word of the conversation between those two gentlemen, had not +Woolsey, opening the door, suddenly pounced on the assistant, taken +him by the collar, and told him to disappear altogether into the +shop: which Mossrose did; vowing he would have his revenge. + +The subject on which Woolsey had come to treat was an important one. +"Mr. Eglantine," says he, "there's no use disguising from one +another that we are both of us in love with Miss Morgiana, and that +our chances up to this time have been pretty equal. But that +Captain whom you introduced, like an ass as you were--" + +"An ass, Mr. Woolsey! I'd have you to know, sir, that I'm no more a +hass than you are, sir; and as for introducing the Captain, I did no +such thing." + +"Well, well, he's got a-poaching into our preserves somehow. He's +evidently sweet upon the young woman, and is a more fashionable chap +than either of us two. We must get him out of the house, sir--we +must circumwent him; and THEN, Mr. Eglantine, will be time enough +for you and me to try which is the best man." + +"HE the best man?" thought Eglantine; "the little bald unsightly +tailor-creature! A man with no more soul than his smoothing-hiron!" +The perfumer, as may be imagined, did not utter this sentiment +aloud, but expressed himself quite willing to enter into any +HAMICABLE arrangement by which the new candidate for Miss Crump's +favour must be thrown over. It was accordingly agreed between the +two gentlemen that they should coalesce against the common enemy; +that they should, by reciting many perfectly well-founded stories in +the Captain's disfavour, influence the minds of Miss Crump's +parents, and of herself, if possible, against this wolf in sheep's +clothing; and that, when they were once fairly rid of him, each +should be at liberty, as before, to prefer his own claim. + +"I have thought of a subject," said the little tailor, turning very +red, and hemming and hawing a great deal. "I've thought, I say, of +a pint, which may be resorted to with advantage at the present +juncture, and in which each of us may be useful to the other. An +exchange, Mr. Eglantine: do you take?" + +"Do you mean an accommodation-bill?" said Eglantine, whose mind ran +a good deal on that species of exchange. + +"Pooh, nonsense, sir! The name of OUR firm is, I flatter myself, a +little more up in the market than some other people's names." + +"Do you mean to insult the name of Archibald Eglantine, sir? I'd +have you to know that at three months--" + +"Nonsense!" says Mr. Woolsey, mastering his emotion. "There's no +use a-quarrelling, Mr. E.: we're not in love with each other, I +know that. You wish me hanged, or as good, I know that!" + +"Indeed I don't, sir!" + +"You do, sir; I tell you, you do! and what's more, I wish the same +to you--transported, at any rate! But as two sailors, when a boat's +a-sinking, though they hate each other ever so much, will help and +bale the boat out; so, sir, let US act: let us be the two sailors." + +"Bail, sir?" said Eglantine, as usual mistaking the drift of the +argument. "I'll bail no man! If you're in difficulties, I think +you had better go to your senior partner, Mr Woolsey." And +Eglantine's cowardly little soul was filled with a savage +satisfaction to think that his enemy was in distress, and actually +obliged to come to HIM for succour. + +"You're enough to make Job swear, you great fat stupid lazy old +barber!" roared Mr. Woolsey, in a fury. + +Eglantine jumped up and made for the bell-rope. The gallant little +tailor laughed. + +"There's no need to call in Betsy," said he. "I'm not a-going to +eat you, Eglantine; you're a bigger man than me: if you were just +to fall on me, you'd smother me! Just sit still on the sofa and +listen to reason." + +"Well, sir, pro-ceed," said the barber with a gasp. + +"Now, listen! What's the darling wish of your heart? I know it, +sir! you've told it to Mr. Tressle, sir, and other gents at the +club. The darling wish of your heart, sir, is to have a slap-up +coat turned out of the ateliers of Messrs. Linsey, Woolsey and +Company. You said you'd give twenty guineas for one of our coats, +you know you did! Lord Bolsterton's a fatter man than you, and look +what a figure we turn HIM out. Can any firm in England dress Lord +Bolsterton but us, so as to make his Lordship look decent? I defy +'em, sir! We could have given Daniel Lambert a figure!" + +"If I want a coat, sir," said Mr. Eglantine, "and I don't deny it, +there's some people want a HEAD OF HAIR!" + +"That's the very point I was coming to," said the tailor, resuming +the violent blush which was mentioned as having suffused his +countenance at the beginning of the conversation. "Let us have +terms of mutual accommodation. Make me a wig, Mr. Eglantine, and +though I never yet cut a yard of cloth except for a gentleman, I'll +pledge you my word I'll make you a coat." + +"WILL you, honour bright?" says Eglantine. + +"Honour bright," says the tailor. "Look!" and in an instant he drew +from his pocket one of those slips of parchment which gentlemen of +his profession carry, and putting Eglantine into the proper +position, began to take the preliminary observations. He felt +Eglantine's heart thump with happiness as his measure passed over +that soft part of the perfumer's person. + +Then pulling down the window-blind, and looking that the door was +locked, and blushing still more deeply than ever, the tailor seated +himself in an arm-chair towards which Mr. Eglantine beckoned him, +and, taking off his black wig, exposed his head to the great +perruquier's gaze. Mr. Eglantine looked at it, measured it, +manipulated it, sat for three minutes with his head in his hand and +his elbow on his knee, gazing at the tailor's cranium with all his +might, walked round it twice or thrice, and then said, "It's enough, +Mr. Woolsey. Consider the job as done. And now, sir," said he, +with a greatly relieved air--"and now, Woolsey, let us 'ave a glass +of curacoa to celebrate this hauspicious meeting." + +The tailor, however, stiffly replied that he never drank in a +morning, and left the room without offering to shake Mr. Eglantine +by the hand: for he despised that gentleman very heartily, and +himself, too, for coming to any compromise with him, and for so far +demeaning himself as to make a coat for a barber. + +Looking from his chambers on the other side of the street, that +inevitable Mr. Walker saw the tailor issuing from the perfumer's +shop, and was at no loss to guess that something extraordinary must +be in progress when two such bitter enemies met together. + + + +CHAPTER III. + + + +WHAT CAME OF MR WALKER'S DISCOVERY OF THE "BOOTJACK." + +It is very easy to state how the Captain came to take up that proud +position at the "Bootjack" which we have seen him occupy on the +evening when the sound of the fatal "Brava!" so astonished Mr. +Eglantine. + +The mere entry into the establishment was, of course, not difficult. +Any person by simply uttering the words "A pint of beer," was free +of the "Bootjack;" and it was some such watchword that Howard Walker +employed when he made his first appearance. He requested to be +shown into a parlour, where he might repose himself for a while, and +was ushered into that very sanctum where the "Kidney Club" met. +Then he stated that the beer was the best he had ever tasted, except +in Bavaria, and in some parts of Spain, he added; and professing to +be extremely "peckish," requested to know if there were any cold +meat in the house whereof he could make a dinner. + +"I don't usually dine at this hour, landlord," said he, flinging +down a half-sovereign for payment of the beer; "but your parlour +looks so comfortable, and the Windsor chairs are so snug, that I'm +sure I could not dine better at the first club in London." + +"ONE of the first clubs in London is held in this very room," said +Mr. Crump, very well pleased; "and attended by some of the best +gents in town, too. We call it the "Kidney Club." + +"Why, bless my soul! it is the very club my friend Eglantine has so +often talked to me about, and attended by some of the tip-top +tradesmen of the metropolis!" + +"There's better men here than Mr. Eglantine," replied Mr. Crump, +"though he's a good man--I don't say he's not a good man--but +there's better. Mr. Clinker, sir; Mr. Woolsey, of the house of +Linsey, Woolsey and Co--" + +"The great army-clothiers!" cried Walker; "the first house in town!" +and so continued, with exceeding urbanity, holding conversation with +Mr. Crump, until the honest landlord retired delighted, and told +Mrs. Crump in the bar that there was a tip-top swell in the "Kidney" +parlour, who was a-going to have his dinner there. + +Fortune favoured the brave Captain in every way. It was just Mr. +Crump's own dinner-hour; and on Mrs. Crump stepping into the parlour +to ask the guest whether he would like a slice of the joint to which +the family were about to sit down, fancy that lady's start of +astonishment at recognising Mr. Eglantine's facetious friend of the +day before. The Captain at once demanded permission to partake of +the joint at the family table; the lady could not with any great +reason deny this request; the Captain was inducted into the bar; and +Miss Crump, who always came down late for dinner, was even more +astonished than her mamma, on beholding the occupier of the fourth +place at the table. Had she expected to see the fascinating +stranger so soon again? I think she had. Her big eyes said as +much, as, furtively looking up at Mr. Walker's face, they caught his +looks; and then bouncing down again towards her plate, pretended to +be very busy in looking at the boiled beef and carrots there +displayed. She blushed far redder than those carrots, but her +shining ringlets hid her confusion together with her lovely face. + +Sweet Morgiana! the billiard-ball eyes had a tremendous effect on +the Captain. They fell plump, as it were, into the pocket of his +heart; and he gallantly proposed to treat the company to a bottle of +champagne, which was accepted without much difficulty. + +Mr. Crump, under pretence of going to the cellar (where he said he +had some cases of the finest champagne in Europe), called Dick, the +boy, to him, and despatched him with all speed to a wine merchant's, +where a couple of bottles of the liquor were procured. + +"Bring up two bottles, Mr. C.," Captain Walker gallantly said when +Crump made his move, as it were, to the cellar and it may be +imagined after the two bottles were drunk (of which Mrs. Crump took +at least nine glasses to her share), how happy, merry, and +confidential the whole party had become. Crump told his story of +the "Bootjack," and whose boot it had drawn; the former Miss Delancy +expatiated on her past theatrical life, and the pictures hanging +round the room. Miss was equally communicative; and, in short, the +Captain had all the secrets of the little family in his possession +ere sunset. He knew that Miss cared little for either of her +suitors, about whom mamma and papa had a little quarrel. He heard +Mrs. Crump talk of Morgiana's property, and fell more in love with +her than ever. Then came tea, the luscious crumpet, the quiet game +at cribbage, and the song--the song which poor Eglantine heard, and +which caused Woolsey's rage and his despair. + +At the close of the evening the tailor was in a greater rage, and +the perfumer in greater despair than ever. He had made his little +present of eau-de-Cologne. "Oh fie!" says the Captain, with a +horse-laugh, "it SMELLS OF THE SHOP!" He taunted the tailor about +his wig, and the honest fellow had only an oath to give by way of +repartee. He told his stories about his club and his lordly +friends. What chance had either against the all-accomplished Howard +Walker? + +Old Crump, with a good innate sense of right and wrong, hated the +man; Mrs. Crump did not feel quite at her ease regarding him; but +Morgiana thought him the most delightful person the world ever +produced. + +Eglantine's usual morning costume was a blue satin neck-cloth +embroidered with butterflies and ornamented with a brandy-ball +brooch, a light shawl waistcoat, and a rhubarb-coloured coat of the +sort which, I believe, are called Taglionis, and which have no +waist-buttons, and made a pretence, as it were, to have no waists, +but are in reality adopted by the fat in order to give them a waist. +Nothing easier for an obese man than to have a waist; he has but to +pinch his middle part a little, and the very fat on either side +pushed violently forward MAKES a waist, as it were, and our worthy +perfumer's figure was that of a bolster cut almost in two with a +string. + +Walker presently saw him at his shop-door grinning in this costume, +twiddling his ringlets with his dumpy greasy fingers, glittering +with oil and rings, and looking so exceedingly contented and happy +that the estate-agent felt assured some very satisfactory conspiracy +had been planned between the tailor and him. How was Mr. Walker to +learn what the scheme was? Alas! the poor fellow's vanity and +delight were such, that he could not keep silent as to the cause of +his satisfaction; and rather than not mention it at all, in the +fulness of his heart he would have told his secret to Mr. Mossrose +himself. + +"When I get my coat," thought the Bond Street Alnaschar, "I'll hire +of Snaffle that easy-going cream-coloured 'oss that he bought from +Astley's, and I'll canter through the Park, and WON'T I pass through +Little Bunker's Buildings, that's all? I'll wear my grey trousers +with the velvet stripe down the side, and get my spurs lacquered up, +and a French polish to my boot; and if I don't DO for the Captain, +and the tailor too, my name's not Archibald. And I know what I'll +do: I'll hire the small clarence, and invite the Crumps to dinner +at the 'Gar and Starter'" (this was his facetious way of calling the +"Star and Garter"), "and I'll ride by them all the way to Richmond. +It's rather a long ride, but with Snaffle's soft saddle I can do it +pretty easy, I dare say." And so the honest fellow built castles +upon castles in the air; and the last most beautiful vision of all +was Miss Crump "in white satting, with a horange flower in her +'air," putting him in possession of "her lovely 'and before the +haltar of St. George's, 'Anover Square." As for Woolsey, Eglantine +determined that he should have the best wig his art could produce; +for he had not the least fear of his rival. + +These points then being arranged to the poor fellow's satisfaction, +what does he do but send out for half a quire of pink note-paper, +and in a filagree envelope despatch a note of invitation to the +ladies at the "Bootjack":-- + + "BOWER OF BLOOM, BOND STREET: + "Thursday. + +"MR. ARCHIBALD EGLANTINE presents his compliments to Mrs. and Miss +Crump, and requests the HONOUR AND PLEASURE of their company at the +'Star and Garter' at Richmond to an early dinner on Sunday next. + +"IF AGREEABLE, Mr. Eglantine's carriage will be at your door at +three o'clock, and I propose to accompany them on horseback, if +agreeable likewise." + + +This note was sealed with yellow wax, and sent to its destination; +and of course Mr. Eglantine went himself for the answer in the +evening: and of course he told the ladies to look out for a certain +new coat he was going to sport on Sunday; and of course Mr. Walker +happens to call the next day with spare tickets for Mrs. Crump and +her daughter, when the whole secret was laid bare to him--how the +ladies were going to Richmond on Sunday in Mr. Snaffle's clarence, +and how Mr. Eglantine was to ride by their side. + +Mr. Walker did not keep horses of his own; his magnificent friends +at the "Regent" had plenty in their stables, and some of these were +at livery at the establishment of the Captain's old "college" +companion, Mr. Snaffle. It was easy, therefore, for the Captain to +renew his acquaintance with that individual. So, hanging on the arm +of my Lord Vauxhall, Captain Walker next day made his appearance at +Snaffle's livery-stables, and looked at the various horses there for +sale or at bait, and soon managed, by putting some facetious +questions to Mr. Snaffle regarding the "Kidney Club," etc. to place +himself on a friendly footing with that gentleman, and to learn from +him what horse Mr. Eglantine was to ride on Sunday. + +The monster Walker had fully determined in his mind that Eglantine +should FALL off that horse in the course of his Sunday's ride. + +"That sing'lar hanimal," said Mr. Snaffle, pointing to the old +horse, "is the celebrated Hemperor that was the wonder of Hastley's +some years back, and was parted with by Mr. Ducrow honly because his +feelin's wouldn't allow him to keep him no longer after the death of +the first Mrs. D., who invariably rode him. I bought him, thinking +that p'raps ladies and Cockney bucks might like to ride him (for his +haction is wonderful, and he canters like a harm-chair); but he's +not safe on any day except Sundays." + +"And why's that?" asked Captain Walker. "Why is he safer on Sundays +than other days?" + +"BECAUSE THERE'S NO MUSIC in the streets on Sundays. The first gent +that rode him found himself dancing a quadrille in Hupper Brook +Street to an 'urdy-gurdy that was playing 'Cherry Ripe,' such is the +natur of the hanimal. And if you reklect the play of the 'Battle of +Hoysterlitz,' in which Mrs. D. hacted 'the female hussar,' you may +remember how she and the horse died in the third act to the toon of +'God preserve the Emperor,' from which this horse took his name. +Only play that toon to him, and he rears hisself up, beats the hair +in time with his forelegs, and then sinks gently to the ground as +though he were carried off by a cannon-ball. He served a lady +hopposite Hapsley 'Ouse so one day, and since then I've never let +him out to a friend except on Sunday, when, in course, there's no +danger. Heglantine IS a friend of mine, and of course I wouldn't +put the poor fellow on a hanimal I couldn't trust." + +After a little more conversation, my lord and his friend quitted Mr. +Snaffle's, and as they walked away towards the "Regent," his +Lordship might be heard shrieking with laughter, crying, "Capital, +by jingo! exthlent! Dwive down in the dwag! Take Lungly. Worth a +thousand pound, by Jove!" and similar ejaculations, indicative of +exceeding delight. + +On Saturday morning, at ten o'clock to a moment, Mr. Woolsey called +at Mr. Eglantine's with a yellow handkerchief under his arm. It +contained the best and handsomest body-coat that ever gentleman put +on. It fitted Eglantine to a nicety--it did not pinch him in the +least, and yet it was of so exquisite a cut that the perfumer found, +as he gazed delighted in the glass, that he looked like a manly +portly high-bred gentleman--a lieutenant-colonel in the army, at the +very least. + +"You're a full man, Eglantine," said the tailor, delighted, too, +with his own work; "but that can't be helped. You look more like +Hercules than Falstaff now, sir, and if a coat can make a gentleman, +a gentleman you are. Let me recommend you to sink the blue cravat, +and take the stripes off your trousers. Dress quiet, sir; draw it +mild. Plain waistcoat, dark trousers, black neckcloth, black hat, +and if there's a better-dressed man in Europe to-morrow, I'm a +Dutchman." + +"Thank you, Woolsey--thank you, my dear sir," said the charmed +perfumer. "And now I'll just trouble you to try on this here." + +The wig had been made with equal skill; it was not in the florid +style which Mr. Eglantine loved in his own person, but, as the +perfumer said, a simple straightforward head of hair. "It seems as +if it had grown there all your life, Mr. Woolsey; nobody would tell +that it was not your nat'ral colour" (Mr. Woolsey blushed)--"it +makes you look ten year younger; and as for that scarecrow yonder, +you'll never, I think, want to wear that again." + +Woolsey looked in the glass, and was delighted too. The two rivals +shook hands and straightway became friends, and in the overflowing +of his heart the perfumer mentioned to the tailor the party which he +had arranged for the next day, and offered him a seat in the +carriage and at the dinner at the "Star and Garter." "Would you +like to ride?" said Eglantine, with rather a consequential air. +"Snaffle will mount you, and we can go one on each side of the +ladies, if you like." + +But Woolsey humbly said he was not a riding man, and gladly +consented to take a place in the clarence carriage, provided he was +allowed to bear half the expenses of the entertainment. This +proposal was agreed to by Mr. Eglantine, and the two gentlemen +parted to meet once more at the "Kidneys" that night, when everybody +was edified by the friendly tone adopted between them. + +Mr. Snaffle, at the club meeting, made the very same proposal to Mr. +Woolsey that the perfumer had made; and stated that as Eglantine was +going to ride Hemperor, Woolsey, at least, ought to mount too. But +he was met by the same modest refusal on the tailor's part, who +stated that he had never mounted a horse yet, and preferred greatly +the use of a coach. + +Eglantine's character as a "swell" rose greatly with the club that +evening. + +Two o'clock on Sunday came: the two beaux arrived punctually at the +door to receive the two smiling ladies. + +"Bless us, Mr. Eglantine!" said Miss Crump, quite struck by him, "I +never saw you look so handsome in your life." He could have flung +his arms around her neck at the compliment. "And law, Ma! what has +happened to Mr. Woolsey? doesn't he look ten years younger than +yesterday?" Mamma assented, and Woolsey bowed gallantly, and the +two gentlemen exchanged a nod of hearty friendship. + +The day was delightful. Eglantine pranced along magnificently on +his cantering armchair, with his hat on one ear, his left hand on +his side, and his head flung over his shoulder, and throwing +under-glances at Morgiana whenever the "Emperor" was in advance of +the clarence. The "Emperor" pricked up his ears a little uneasily +passing the Ebenezer chapel in Richmond, where the congregation were +singing a hymn, but beyond this no accident occurred; nor was Mr. +Eglantine in the least stiff or fatigued by the time the party +reached Richmond, where he arrived time enough to give his steed +into the charge of an ostler, and to present his elbow to the ladies +as they alighted from the clarence carriage. + +What this jovial party ate for dinner at the "Star and Garter" need +not here be set down. If they did not drink champagne I am very +much mistaken. They were as merry as any four people in +Christendom; and between the bewildering attentions of the perfumer, +and the manly courtesy of the tailor, Morgiana very likely forgot +the gallant Captain, or, at least, was very happy in his absence. + +At eight o'clock they began to drive homewards. "WON'T you come +into the carriage?" said Morgiana to Eglantine, with one of her +tenderest looks; "Dick can ride the horse." But Archibald was too +great a lover of equestrian exercise. "I'm afraid to trust anybody +on this horse," said he with a knowing look; and so he pranced away +by the side of the little carriage. The moon was brilliant, and, +with the aid of the gas-lamps, illuminated the whole face of the +country in a way inexpressibly lovely. + +Presently, in the distance, the sweet and plaintive notes of a bugle +were heard, and the performer, with great delicacy, executed a +religious air. "Music, too! heavenly!" said Morgiana, throwing up +her eyes to the stars. The music came nearer and nearer, and the +delight of the company was only more intense. The fly was going at +about four miles an hour, and the "Emperor" began cantering to time +at the same rapid pace. + +"This must be some gallantry of yours, Mr. Woolsey," said the +romantic Morgiana, turning upon that gentleman. "Mr. Eglantine +treated us to the dinner, and you have provided us with the music." + +Now Woolsey had been a little, a very little, dissatisfied during +the course of the evening's entertainment, by fancying that +Eglantine, a much more voluble person than himself, had obtained +rather an undue share of the ladies' favour; and as he himself paid +half of the expenses, he felt very much vexed to think that the +perfumer should take all the credit of the business to himself. So +when Miss Crump asked if he had provided the music, he foolishly +made an evasive reply to her query, and rather wished her to imagine +that he HAD performed that piece of gallantry. "If it pleases YOU, +Miss Morgiana," said this artful Schneider, "what more need any man +ask? wouldn't I have all Drury Lane orchestra to please you?" + +The bugle had by this time arrived quite close to the clarence +carriage, and if Morgiana had looked round she might have seen +whence the music came. Behind her came slowly a drag, or private +stage-coach, with four horses. Two grooms with cockades and folded +arms were behind; and driving on the box, a little gentleman, with a +blue bird's-eye neckcloth, and a white coat. A bugleman was by his +side, who performed the melodies which so delighted Miss Crump. He +played very gently and sweetly, and "God save the King" trembled so +softly out of the brazen orifice of his bugle, that the Crumps, the +tailor, and Eglantine himself, who was riding close by the carriage, +were quite charmed and subdued. + +"Thank you, DEAR Mr. Woolsey," said the grateful Morgiana; which +made Eglantine stare, and Woolsey was just saying, "Really, upon my +word, I've nothing to do with it," when the man on the drag-box said +to the bugleman, "Now!" + +The bugleman began the tune of-- + + "Heaven preserve our Emperor Fra-an-cis, + Rum tum-ti-tum-ti-titty-ti." + +At the sound, the "Emperor" reared himself (with a roar from Mr. +Eglantine)--reared and beat the air with his fore-paws. Eglantine +flung his arms round the beast's neck; still he kept beating time +with his fore-paws. Mrs. Crump screamed: Mr. Woolsey, Dick, the +clarence coachman, Lord Vauxhall (for it was he), and his Lordship's +two grooms, burst into a shout of laughter; Morgiana cries "Mercy! +mercy!" Eglantine yells "Stop!"--"Wo!"--"Oh!" and a thousand +ejaculations of hideous terror; until, at last, down drops the +"Emperor" stone dead in the middle of the road, as if carried off by +a cannon-ball. + +Fancy the situation, ye callous souls who laugh at the misery of +humanity, fancy the situation of poor Eglantine under the "Emperor"! +He had fallen very easy, the animal lay perfectly quiet, and the +perfumer was to all intents and purposes as dead as the animal. He +had not fainted, but he was immovable with terror; he lay in a +puddle, and thought it was his own blood gushing from him; and he +would have lain there until Monday morning, if my Lord's grooms, +descending, had not dragged him by the coat-collar from under the +beast, who still lay quiet. + +"Play 'Charming Judy Callaghan,' will ye?" says Mr. Snaffle's man, +the fly-driver; on which the bugler performed that lively air, and +up started the horse, and the grooms, who were rubbing Mr. Eglantine +down against a lamp-post, invited him to remount. + +But his heart was too broken for that. The ladies gladly made room +for him in the clarence. Dick mounted "Emperor" and rode homewards. +The drag, too, drove away, playing "Oh dear, what can the matter +be?" and with a scowl of furious hate, Mr. Eglantine sat and +regarded his rival. His pantaloons were split, and his coat torn up +the back. + +"Are you hurt much, dear Mr. Archibald?" said Morgiana, with +unaffected compassion. + +"N-not much," said the poor fellow, ready to burst into tears. + +"Oh, Mr. Woolsey," added the good-natured girl, "how could you play +such a trick?" + +"Upon my word," Woolsey began, intending to plead innocence; but the +ludicrousness of the situation was once more too much for him, and +he burst out into a roar of laughter. + +"You! you cowardly beast!" howled out Eglantine, now driven to +fury--"YOU laugh at me, you miserable cretur! Take THAT, sir!" and +he fell upon him with all his might, and well-nigh throttled the +tailor, and pummelling his eyes, his nose, his ears, with +inconceivable rapidity, wrenched, finally, his wig off his head, and +flung it into the road. + +Morgiana saw that Woolsey had red hair. {2} + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + + +IN WHICH THE HEROINE HAS A NUMBER MORE LOVERS, AND CUTS A VERY +DASHING FIGURE IN THE WORLD. + +Two years have elapsed since the festival at Richmond, which, begun +so peaceably, ended in such general uproar. Morgiana never could be +brought to pardon Woolsey's red hair, nor to help laughing at +Eglantine's disasters, nor could the two gentlemen be reconciled to +one another. Woolsey, indeed, sent a challenge to the perfumer to +meet him with pistols, which the latter declined, saying, justly, +that tradesmen had no business with such weapons; on this the tailor +proposed to meet him with coats off, and have it out like men, in +the presence of their friends of the "Kidney Club". The perfumer +said he would be party to no such vulgar transaction; on which, +Woolsey, exasperated, made an oath that he would tweak the +perfumer's nose so surely as he ever entered the club-room; and thus +ONE member of the "Kidneys" was compelled to vacate his armchair. + +Woolsey himself attended every meeting regularly, but he did not +evince that gaiety and good-humour which render men's company +agreeable in clubs. On arriving, he would order the boy to "tell +him when that scoundrel Eglantine came;" and, hanging up his hat on +a peg, would scowl round the room, and tuck up his sleeves very +high, and stretch, and shake his fingers and wrists, as if getting +them ready for that pull of the nose which he intended to bestow +upon his rival. So prepared, he would sit down and smoke his pipe +quite silently, glaring at all, and jumping up, and hitching up his +coat-sleeves, when anyone entered the room. + +The "Kidneys" did not like this behaviour. Clinker ceased to come. +Bustard, the poulterer, ceased to come. As for Snaffle, he also +disappeared, for Woolsey wished to make him answerable for the +misbehaviour of Eglantine, and proposed to him the duel which the +latter had declined. So Snaffle went. Presently they all went, +except the tailor and Tressle, who lived down the street, and these +two would sit and pug their tobacco, one on each side of Crump, the +landlord, as silent as Indian chiefs in a wigwam. There grew to be +more and more room for poor old Crump in his chair and in his +clothes; the "Kidneys" were gone, and why should he remain? One +Saturday he did not come down to preside at the club (as he still +fondly called it), and the Saturday following Tressle had made a +coffin for him; and Woolsey, with the undertaker by his side, +followed to the grave the father of the "Kidneys." + +Mrs. Crump was now alone in the world. "How alone?" says some +innocent and respected reader. Ah! my dear sir, do you know so +little of human nature as not to be aware that, one week after the +Richmond affair, Morgiana married Captain Walker? That did she +privately, of course; and, after the ceremony, came tripping back to +her parents, as young people do in plays, and said, "Forgive me, +dear Pa and Ma, I'm married, and here is my husband the Captain!" +Papa and mamma did forgive her, as why shouldn't they? and papa paid +over her fortune to her, which she carried home delighted to the +Captain. This happened several months before the demise of old +Crump; and Mrs. Captain Walker was on the Continent with her Howard +when that melancholy event took place; hence Mrs. Crump's loneliness +and unprotected condition. Morgiana had not latterly seen much of +the old people; how could she, moving in her exalted sphere, receive +at her genteel new residence in the Edgware Road the old publican +and his wife? + +Being, then, alone in the world, Mrs. Crump could not abear, she +said, to live in the house where she had been so respected and +happy: so she sold the goodwill of the "Bootjack," and, with the +money arising from this sale and her own private fortune, being able +to muster some sixty pounds per annum, retired to the neighbourhood +of her dear old "Sadler's Wells," where she boarded with one of Mrs. +Serle's forty pupils. Her heart was broken, she said; but, +nevertheless, about nine months after Mr. Crump's death, the +wallflowers, nasturtiums, polyanthuses, and convolvuluses began to +blossom under her bonnet as usual; in a year she was dressed quite +as fine as ever, and now never missed "The Wells," or some other +place of entertainment, one single night, but was as regular as the +box-keeper. Nay, she was a buxom widow still, and an old flame of +hers, Fisk, so celebrated as pantaloon in Grimaldi's time, but now +doing the "heavy fathers" at "The Wells," proposed to her to +exchange her name for his. + +But this proposal the worthy widow declined altogether. To say +truth, she was exceedingly proud of her daughter, Mrs. Captain +Walker. They did not see each other much at first; but every now +and then Mrs. Crump would pay a visit to the folks in Connaught +Square; and on the days when "the Captain's" lady called in the City +Road, there was not a single official at "The Wells," from the first +tragedian down to the call-boy, who was not made aware of the fact. + +It has been said that Morgiana carried home her fortune in her own +reticule, and, smiling, placed the money in her husband's lap; and +hence the reader may imagine, who knows Mr. Walker to be an +extremely selfish fellow, that a great scene of anger must have +taken place, and many coarse oaths and epithets of abuse must have +come from him, when he found that five hundred pounds was all that +his wife had, although he had expected five thousand with her. But, +to say the truth, Walker was at this time almost in love with his +handsome rosy good-humoured simple wife. They had made a +fortnight's tour, during which they had been exceedingly happy; and +there was something so frank and touching in the way in which the +kind creature flung her all into his lap, saluting him with a hearty +embrace at the same time, and wishing that it were a thousand +billion billion times more, so that her darling Howard might enjoy +it, that the man would have been a ruffian indeed could he have +found it in his heart to be angry with her; and so he kissed her in +return, and patted her on the shining ringlets, and then counted +over the notes with rather a disconsolate air, and ended by locking +them up in his portfolio. In fact, SHE had never deceived him; +Eglantine had, and he in return had out-tricked Eglantine and so +warm were his affections for Morgiana at this time that, upon my +word and honour, I don't think he repented of his bargain. Besides, +five hundred pounds in crisp bank-notes was a sum of money such as +the Captain was not in the habit of handling every day; a dashing +sanguine fellow, he fancied there was no end to it, and already +thought of a dozen ways by which it should increase and multiply +into a plum. Woe is me! Has not many a simple soul examined five +new hundred-pound notes in this way, and calculated their powers of +duration and multiplication? + +This subject, however, is too painful to be dwelt on. Let us hear +what Walker did with his money. Why, he furnished the house in the +Edgware Road before mentioned, he ordered a handsome service of +plate, he sported a phaeton and two ponies, he kept a couple of +smart maids and a groom foot-boy--in fact, he mounted just such a +neat unpretending gentleman-like establishment as becomes a +respectable young couple on their outset in life. "I've sown my +wild oats," he would say to his acquaintances; "a few years since, +perhaps, I would have longed to cut a dash, but now prudence is the +word; and I've settled every farthing of Mrs. Walker's fifteen +thousand on herself." And the best proof that the world had +confidence in him is the fact, that for the articles of plate, +equipage, and furniture, which have been mentioned as being in his +possession, he did not pay one single shilling; and so prudent was +he, that but for turnpikes, postage-stamps, and king's taxes, he +hardly had occasion to change a five-pound note of his wife's +fortune. + +To tell the truth, Mr. Walker had determined to make his fortune. +And what is easier in London? Is not the share-market open to all? +Do not Spanish and Columbian bonds rise and fall? For what are +companies invented, but to place thousands in the pockets of +shareholders and directors? Into these commercial pursuits the +gallant Captain now plunged with great energy, and made some +brilliant hits at first starting, and bought and sold so +opportunely, that his name began to rise in the City as a +capitalist, and might be seen in the printed list of directors of +many excellent and philanthropic schemes, of which there is never +any lack in London. Business to the amount of thousands was done at +his agency; shares of vast value were bought and sold under his +management. How poor Mr. Eglantine used to hate him and envy him, +as from the door of his emporium (the firm was Eglantine and +Mossrose now) he saw the Captain daily arrive in his pony-phaeton, +and heard of the start he had taken in life. + +The only regret Mrs. Walker had was that she did not enjoy enough of +her husband's society. His business called him away all day; his +business, too, obliged him to leave her of evenings very frequently +alone; whilst he (always in pursuit of business) was dining with his +great friends at the club, and drinking claret and champagne to the +same end. + +She was a perfectly good-natured and simple soul, never made him a +single reproach; but when he could pass an evening at home with her +she was delighted, and when he could drive with her in the Park she +was happy for a week after. On these occasions, and in the fulness +of her heart, she would drive to her mother and tell her story. +"Howard drove with me in the Park yesterday, Mamma;" and "Howard has +promised to take me to the Opera," and so forth. And that evening +the manager, Mr. Gawler, the first tragedian, Mrs. Serle and her +forty pupils, all the box-keepers, bonnet-women--nay, the +ginger-beer girls themselves at "The Wells," knew that Captain and +Mrs. Walker were at Kensington Gardens, or were to have the +Marchioness of Billingsgate's box at the Opera. One night--O joy of +joys!--Mrs. Captain Walker appeared in a private box at "The Wells." +That's she with the black ringlets and Cashmere shawl, +smelling-bottle, and black-velvet gown, and bird of paradise in her +hat. Goodness gracious! how they all acted at her, Gawler and all, +and how happy Mrs. Crump was! She kissed her daughter between all +the acts, she nodded to all her friends on the stage, in the slips, +or in the real water; she introduced her daughter, Mrs. Captain +Walker, to the box-opener; and Melvil Delamere (the first comic), +Canterfield (the tyrant), and Jonesini (the celebrated Fontarabian +Statuesque), were all on the steps, and shouted for Mrs. Captain +Walker's carriage, and waved their hats, and bowed as the little +pony-phaeton drove away. Walker, in his moustaches, had come in at +the end of the play, and was not a little gratified by the +compliments paid to himself and lady. + +Among the other articles of luxury with which the Captain furnished +his house we must not omit to mention an extremely grand piano, +which occupied four-fifths of Mrs. Walker's little back +drawing-room, and at which she was in the habit of practising +continually. All day and all night during Walker's absences (and +these occurred all night and all day), you might hear--the whole +street might hear--the voice of the lady at No. 23, gurgling, and +shaking, and quavering, as ladies do when they practise. The street +did not approve of the continuance of the noise; but neighbours are +difficult to please, and what would Morgiana have had to do if she +had ceased to sing? It would be hard to lock a blackbird in a cage +and prevent him from singing too. And so Walker's blackbird, in the +snug little cage in the Edgware Road, sang and was not unhappy. + +After the pair had been married for about a year, the omnibus that +passes both by Mrs. Crump's house near "The Wells," and by Mrs. +Walker's street off the Edgware Road, brought up the former-named +lady almost every day to her daughter. She came when the Captain +had gone to his business; she stayed to a two-o'clock dinner with +Morgiana; she drove with her in the pony-carriage round the Park; +but she never stopped later than six. Had she not to go to the play +at seven? And, besides, the Captain might come home with some of +his great friends, and he always swore and grumbled much if he found +his mother-in-law on the premises. As for Morgiana, she was one of +those women who encourage despotism in husbands. What the husband +says must be right, because he says it; what he orders must be +obeyed tremblingly. Mrs. Walker gave up her entire reason to her +lord. Why was it? Before marriage she had been an independent +little person; she had far more brains than her Howard. I think it +must have been his moustaches that frightened her, and caused in her +this humility. + +Selfish husbands have this advantage in maintaining with easy-minded +wives a rigid and inflexible behaviour, viz. that if they DO by any +chance grant a little favour, the ladies receive it with such +transports of gratitude as they would never think of showing to a +lord and master who was accustomed to give them everything they +asked for; and hence, when Captain Walker signified his assent to +his wife's prayer that she should take a singing-master, she thought +his generosity almost divine, and fell upon her mamma's neck, when +that lady came the next day, and said what a dear adorable angel her +Howard was, and what ought she not to do for a man who had taken her +from her humble situation, and raised her to be what she was! What +she was, poor soul! She was the wife of a swindling parvenu +gentleman. She received visits from six ladies of her husband's +acquaintances--two attorneys' ladies, his bill-broker's lady, and +one or two more, of whose characters we had best, if you please, say +nothing; and she thought it an honour to be so distinguished: as if +Walker had been a Lord Exeter to marry a humble maiden, or a noble +prince to fall in love with a humble Cinderella, or a majestic Jove +to come down from heaven and woo a Semele. Look through the world, +respectable reader, and among your honourable acquaintances, and say +if this sort of faith in women is not very frequent? They WILL +believe in their husbands, whatever the latter do. Let John be +dull, ugly, vulgar, and a humbug, his Mary Ann never finds it out; +let him tell his stories ever so many times, there is she always +ready with her kind smile; let him be stingy, she says he is +prudent; let him quarrel with his best friend, she says he is always +in the right; let him be prodigal, she says he is generous, and that +his health requires enjoyment; let him be idle, he must have +relaxation; and she will pinch herself and her household that he may +have a guinea for his club. Yes; and every morning, as she wakes +and looks at the face, snoring on the pillow by her side--every +morning, I say, she blesses that dull ugly countenance, and the dull +ugly soul reposing there, and thinks both are something divine. I +want to know how it is that women do not find out their husbands to +be humbugs? Nature has so provided it, and thanks to her. When +last year they were acting the "Midsummer Night's Dream," and all +the boxes began to roar with great coarse heehaws at Titania hugging +Bottom's long long ears--to me, considering these things, it seemed +that there were a hundred other male brutes squatted round about, +and treated just as reasonably as Bottom was. Their Titanias lulled +them to sleep in their laps, summoned a hundred smiling delicate +household fairies to tickle their gross intellects and minister to +their vulgar pleasures; and (as the above remarks are only supposed +to apply to honest women loving their own lawful spouses) a mercy it +is that no wicked Puck is in the way to open their eyes, and point +out their folly. Cui bono? let them live on in their deceit: I +know two lovely ladies who will read this, and will say it is just +very likely, and not see in the least, that it has been written +regarding THEM. + +Another point of sentiment, and one curious to speculate on. Have +you not remarked the immense works of art that women get through? +The worsted-work sofas, the counterpanes patched or knitted (but +these are among the old-fashioned in the country), the bushels of +pincushions, the albums they laboriously fill, the tremendous pieces +of music they practise, the thousand other fiddle-faddles which +occupy the attention of the dear souls--nay, have we not seen them +seated of evenings in a squad or company, Louisa employed at the +worsted-work before mentioned, Eliza at the pincushions, Amelia at +card-racks or filagree matches, and, in the midst, Theodosia with +one of the candles, reading out a novel aloud? Ah! my dear sir, +mortal creatures must be very hard put to it for amusement, be sure +of that, when they are forced to gather together in a company and +hear novels read aloud! They only do it because they can't help it, +depend upon it: it is a sad life, a poor pastime. Mr. Dickens, in +his American book, tells of the prisoners at the silent prison, how +they had ornamented their rooms, some of them with a frightful +prettiness and elaboration. Women's fancy-work is of this sort +often--only prison work, done because there was no other +exercising-ground for their poor little thoughts and fingers; and +hence these wonderful pincushions are executed, these counterpanes +woven, these sonatas learned. By everything sentimental, when I see +two kind innocent fresh-cheeked young women go to a piano, and sit +down opposite to it upon two chairs piled with more or less +music-books (according to their convenience), and, so seated, go +through a set of double-barrelled variations upon this or that tune +by Herz or Kalkbrenner--I say, far from receiving any satisfaction +at the noise made by the performance, my too susceptible heart is +given up entirely to bleeding for the performers. What hours, and +weeks, nay, preparatory years of study, has that infernal jig cost +them! What sums has papa paid, what scoldings has mamma +administered ("Lady Bullblock does not play herself;" Sir Thomas +says, "but she has naturally the finest ear for music ever known!"); +what evidences of slavery, in a word, are there! It is the +condition of the young lady's existence. She breakfasts at eight, +she does "Mangnall's Questions" with the governess till ten, she +practises till one, she walks in the square with bars round her till +two, then she practises again, then she sews or hems, or reads +French, or Hume's "History," then she comes down to play to papa, +because he likes music whilst he is asleep after dinner, and then it +is bed-time, and the morrow is another day with what are called the +same "duties" to be gone through. A friend of mine went to call at +a nobleman's house the other day, and one of the young ladies of the +house came into the room with a tray on her head; this tray was to +give Lady Maria a graceful carriage. Mon Dieu! and who knows but at +that moment Lady Bell was at work with a pair of her dumb namesakes, +and Lady Sophy lying flat on a stretching-board? I could write +whole articles on this theme but peace! we are keeping Mrs. Walker +waiting all the while. + +Well, then, if the above disquisitions have anything to do with the +story, as no doubt they have, I wish it to be understood that, +during her husband's absence, and her own solitary confinement, Mrs. +Howard Walker bestowed a prodigious quantity of her time and energy +on the cultivation of her musical talent; and having, as before +stated, a very fine loud voice, speedily attained no ordinary skill +in the use of it. She first had for teacher little Podmore, the fat +chorus-master at "The Wells," and who had taught her mother the +"Tink-a-tink" song which has been such a favourite since it first +appeared. He grounded her well, and bade her eschew the singing of +all those "Eagle Tavern" ballads in which her heart formerly +delighted; and when he had brought her to a certain point of skill, +the honest little chorus-master said she should have a still better +instructor, and wrote a note to Captain Walker (enclosing his own +little account), speaking in terms of the most flattering encomium +of his lady's progress, and recommending that she should take +lessons of the celebrated Baroski. Captain Walker dismissed Podmore +then, and engaged Signor Baroski, at a vast expense; as he did not +fail to tell his wife. In fact, he owed Baroski no less than two +hundred and twenty guineas when he was-- But we are advancing +matters. + +Little Baroski is the author of the opera of "Eliogabalo," of the +oratorio of "Purgatorio," which made such an immense sensation, of +songs and ballet-musics innumerable. He is a German by birth, and +shows such an outrageous partiality for pork and sausages, and +attends at church so constantly, that I am sure there cannot be any +foundation in the story that he is a member of the ancient religion. +He is a fat little man, with a hooked nose and jetty whiskers, and +coal-black shining eyes, and plenty of rings and jewels on his +fingers and about his person, and a very considerable portion of his +shirtsleeves turned over his coat to take the air. His great hands +(which can sprawl over half a piano, and produce those effects on +the instrument for which he is celebrated) are encased in +lemon-coloured kids, new, or cleaned daily. Parenthetically, let us +ask why so many men, with coarse red wrists and big hands, persist +in the white kid glove and wristband system? Baroski's gloves alone +must cost him a little fortune; only he says with a leer, when asked +the question, "Get along vid you; don't you know dere is a gloveress +that lets me have dem very sheap?" He rides in the Park; has +splendid lodgings in Dover Street; and is a member of the "Regent +Club," where he is a great source of amusement to the members, to +whom he tells astonishing stories of his successes with the ladies, +and for whom he has always play and opera tickets in store. His eye +glistens and his little heart beats when a lord speaks to him; and +he has been known to spend large sums of money in giving treats to +young sprigs of fashion at Richmond and elsewhere. "In my +bolyticks," he says, "I am consarevatiff to de bag-bone." In fine, +he is a puppy, and withal a man of considerable genius in his +profession. + +This gentleman, then, undertook to complete the musical education of +Mrs. Walker. He expressed himself at once "enshanted vid her +gababilities," found that the extent of her voice was "brodigious," +and guaranteed that she should become a first-rate singer. The +pupil was apt, the master was exceedingly skilful; and, accordingly, +Mrs. Walker's progress was very remarkable: although, for her part, +honest Mrs. Crump, who used to attend her daughter's lessons, would +grumble not a little at the new system, and the endless exercises +which she, Morgiana, was made to go through. It was very different +in HER time, she said. Incledon knew no music, and who could sing +so well now? Give her a good English ballad: it was a thousand +times sweeter than your "Figaros" and "Semiramides." + +In spite of these objections, however, and with amazing perseverance +and cheerfulness, Mrs. Walker pursued the method of study pointed +out to her by her master. As soon as her husband went to the City +in the morning her operations began; if he remained away at dinner, +her labours still continued: nor is it necessary for me to +particularise her course of study, nor, indeed, possible; for, +between ourselves, none of the male Fitz-Boodles ever could sing a +note, and the jargon of scales and solfeggios is quite unknown to +me. But as no man can have seen persons addicted to music without +remarking the prodigious energies they display in the pursuit, as +there is no father of daughters, however ignorant, but is aware of +the piano-rattling and voice-exercising which go on in his house +from morning till night, so let all fancy, without further inquiry, +how the heroine of our story was at this stage of her existence +occupied. + +Walker was delighted with her progress, and did everything but pay +Baroski, her instructor. We know why he didn't pay. It was his +nature not to pay bills, except on extreme compulsion; but why did +not Baroski employ that extreme compulsion? Because, if he had +received his money, he would have lost his pupil, and because he +loved his pupil more than money. Rather than lose her, he would +have given her a guinea as well as her cachet. He would sometimes +disappoint a great personage, but he never missed his attendance on +HER; and the truth must out, that he was in love with her, as +Woolsey and Eglantine had been before. + +"By the immortel Chofe!" he would say, "dat letell ding sents me mad +vid her big ice! But only vait avile: in six veeks I can bring any +voman in England on her knees to me and you shall see vat I vill do +vid my Morgiana." He attended her for six weeks punctually, and yet +Morgiana was never brought down on her knees; he exhausted his best +stock of "gomblimends," and she never seemed disposed to receive +them with anything but laughter. And, as a matter of course, he +only grew more infatuated with the lovely creature who was so +provokingly good-humoured and so laughingly cruel. + +Benjamin Baroski was one of the chief ornaments of the musical +profession in London; he charged a guinea for a lesson of +three-quarters of an hour abroad, and he had, furthermore, a school +at his own residence, where pupils assembled in considerable +numbers, and of that curious mixed kind which those may see who +frequent these places of instruction. There were very innocent +young ladies with their mammas, who would hurry them off trembling +to the farther corner of the room when certain doubtful professional +characters made their appearance. There was Miss Grigg, who sang at +the "Foundling," and Mr. Johnson, who sang at the "Eagle Tavern," +and Madame Fioravanti (a very doubtful character), who sang nowhere, +but was always coming out at the Italian Opera. There was Lumley +Limpiter (Lord Tweedledale's son), one of the most accomplished +tenors in town, and who, we have heard, sings with the professionals +at a hundred concerts; and with him, too, was Captain Guzzard, of +the Guards, with his tremendous bass voice, which all the world +declared to be as fine as Porto's, and who shared the applause of +Baroski's school with Mr. Bulger, the dentist of Sackville Street, +who neglected his ivory and gold plates for his voice, as every +unfortunate individual will do who is bitten by the music mania. +Then among the ladies there were a half-score of dubious pale +governesses and professionals with turned frocks and lank damp +bandeaux of hair under shabby little bonnets; luckless creatures +these, who were parting with their poor little store of half-guineas +to be enabled to say they were pupils of Signor Baroski, and so get +pupils of their own among the British youths, or employment in the +choruses of the theatres. + +The prima donna of the little company was Amelia Larkins, Baroski's +own articled pupil, on whose future reputation the eminent master +staked his own, whose profits he was to share, and whom he had +farmed, to this end, from her father, a most respectable sheriff's +officer's assistant, and now, by his daughter's exertions, a +considerable capitalist. Amelia is blonde and blue-eyed, her +complexion is as bright as snow, her ringlets of the colour of +straw, her figure--but why describe her figure? Has not all the +world seen her at the Theatres Royal and in America under the name +of Miss Ligonier? + +Until Mrs. Walker arrived, Miss Larkins was the undisputed princess +of the Baroski company--the Semiramide, the Rosina, the Tamina, the +Donna Anna. Baroski vaunted her everywhere as the great rising +genius of the day, bade Catalani look to her laurels, and questioned +whether Miss Stephens could sing a ballad like his pupil. Mrs. +Howard Walker arrived, and created, on the first occasion, no small +sensation. She improved, and the little society became speedily +divided into Walkerites and Larkinsians; and between these two +ladies (as indeed between Guzzard and Bulger before mentioned, +between Miss Brunck and Miss Horsman, the two contraltos, and +between the chorus-singers, after their kind) a great rivalry arose. +Larkins was certainly the better singer; but could her +straw-coloured curls and dumpy high-shouldered figure bear any +comparison with the jetty ringlets and stately form of Morgiana? +Did not Mrs. Walker, too, come to the music-lesson in her carriage, +and with a black velvet gown and Cashmere shawl, while poor Larkins +meekly stepped from Bell Yard, Temple Bar, in an old print gown and +clogs, which she left in the hall? "Larkins sing!" said Mrs. Crump, +sarcastically; "I'm sure she ought; her mouth's big enough to sing a +duet." Poor Larkins had no one to make epigrams in her behoof; her +mother was at home tending the younger ones, her father abroad +following the duties of his profession; she had but one protector, +as she thought, and that one was Baroski. Mrs. Crump did not fail +to tell Lumley Limpiter of her own former triumphs, and to sing him +"Tink-a-tink," which we have previously heard, and to state how in +former days she had been called the Ravenswing. And Lumley, on this +hint, made a poem, in which he compared Morgiana's hair to the +plumage of the Raven's wing, and Larkinissa's to that of the canary; +by which two names the ladies began soon to be known in the school. + +Ere long the flight of the Ravenswing became evidently stronger, +whereas that of the canary was seen evidently to droop. When +Morgiana sang, all the room would cry "Bravo!" when Amelia +performed, scarce a hand was raised for applause of her, except +Morgiana's own, and that the Larkinses thought was lifted in odious +triumph, rather than in sympathy, for Miss L. was of an envious +turn, and little understood the generosity of her rival. + +At last, one day, the crowning victory of the Ravenswing came. In +the trio of Baroski's own opera of "Eliogabalo," "Rosy lips and rosy +wine," Miss Larkins, who was evidently unwell, was taking the part +of the English captive, which she had sung in public concerts before +royal dukes, and with considerable applause, and, from some reason, +performed it so ill, that Baroski, slapping down the music on the +piano in a fury, cried, "Mrs. Howard Walker, as Miss Larkins cannot +sing to-day, will you favour us by taking the part of Boadicetta?" +Mrs. Walker got up smilingly to obey--the triumph was too great to +be withstood; and, as she advanced to the piano, Miss Larkins looked +wildly at her, and stood silent for a while, and, at last, shrieked +out, "BENJAMIN!" in a tone of extreme agony, and dropped fainting +down on the ground. Benjamin looked extremely red, it must be +confessed, at being thus called by what we shall denominate his +Christian name, and Limpiter looked round at Guzzard, and Miss +Brunck nudged Miss Horsman, and the lesson concluded rather abruptly +that day; for Miss Larkins was carried off to the next room, laid on +a couch, and sprinkled with water. + +Good-natured Morgiana insisted that her mother should take Miss +Larkins to Bell Yard in her carriage, and went herself home on foot; +but I don't know that this piece of kindness prevented Larkins from +hating her. I should doubt if it did. + +Hearing so much of his wife's skill as a singer, the astute Captain +Walker determined to take advantage of it for the purpose of +increasing his "connection." He had Lumley Limpiter at his house +before long, which was, indeed, no great matter, for honest Lum +would go anywhere for a good dinner--and an opportunity to show off +his voice afterwards, and Lumley was begged to bring any more clerks +in the Treasury of his acquaintance; Captain Guzzard was invited, +and any officers of the Guards whom he might choose to bring; Bulger +received occasional cards:--in a word, and after a short time, Mrs. +Howard Walker's musical parties began to be considerably suivies. +Her husband had the satisfaction to see his rooms filled by many +great personages; and once or twice in return (indeed, whenever she +was wanted, or when people could not afford to hire the first +singers) she was asked to parties elsewhere, and treated with that +killing civility which our English aristocracy knows how to bestow +on artists. Clever and wise aristocracy! It is sweet to mark your +ways, and study your commerce with inferior men. + +I was just going to commence a tirade regarding the aristocracy +here, and to rage against that cool assumption of superiority which +distinguishes their lordships' commerce with artists of all sorts: +that politeness which, if it condescends to receive artists at all, +takes care to have them altogether, so that there can be no mistake +about their rank--that august patronage of art which rewards it with +a silly flourish of knighthood, to be sure, but takes care to +exclude it from any contact with its betters in society--I was, I +say, just going to commence a tirade against the aristocracy for +excluding artists from their company, and to be extremely satirical +upon them, for instance, for not receiving my friend Morgiana, when +it suddenly came into my head to ask, was Mrs. Walker fit to move in +the best society?--to which query it must humbly be replied that she +was not. Her education was not such as to make her quite the equal +of Baker Street. She was a kind honest and clever creature; but, it +must be confessed, not refined. Wherever she went she had, if not +the finest, at any rate the most showy gown in the room; her +ornaments were the biggest; her hats, toques, berets, marabouts, and +other fallals, always the most conspicuous. She drops "h's" here +and there. I have seen her eat peas with a knife (and Walker, +scowling on the opposite side of the table, striving in vain to +catch her eye); and I shall never forget Lady Smigsmag's horror when +she asked for porter at dinner at Richmond, and began to drink it +out of the pewter pot. It was a fine sight. She lifted up the +tankard with one of the finest arms, covered with the biggest +bracelets ever seen; and had a bird of paradise on her head, that +curled round the pewter disc of the pot as she raised it, like a +halo. These peculiarities she had, and has still. She is best away +from the genteel world, that is the fact. When she says that "The +weather is so 'ot that it is quite debiliating;" when she laughs, +when she hits her neighbour at dinner on the side of the waistcoat +(as she will if he should say anything that amuses her), she does +what is perfectly natural and unaffected on her part, but what is +not customarily done among polite persons, who can sneer at her odd +manners and her vanity, but don't know the kindness, honesty, and +simplicity which distinguish her. This point being admitted, it +follows, of course, that the tirade against the aristocracy would, +in the present instance, be out of place--so it shall be reserved +for some other occasion. + +The Ravenswing was a person admirably disposed by nature to be +happy. She had a disposition so kindly that any small attention +would satisfy it; was pleased when alone; was delighted in a crowd; +was charmed with a joke, however old; was always ready to laugh, to +sing, to dance, or to be merry; was so tender-hearted that the +smallest ballad would make her cry: and hence was supposed, by many +persons, to be extremely affected, and by almost all to be a +downright coquette. Several competitors for her favour presented +themselves besides Baroski. Young dandies used to canter round her +phaeton in the park, and might be seen haunting her doors in the +mornings. The fashionable artist of the day made a drawing of her, +which was engraved and sold in the shops; a copy of it was printed +in a song, "Black-eyed Maiden of Araby," the words by Desmond +Mulligan, Esquire, the music composed and dedicated to MRS. HOWARD +WALKER, by her most faithful and obliged servant, Benjamin Baroski; +and at night her Opera-box was full. Her Opera-box? Yes, the +heiress of the "Bootjack" actually had an Opera-box, and some of the +most fashionable manhood of London attended it. + +Now, in fact, was the time of her greatest prosperity; and her +husband gathering these fashionable characters about him, extended +his "agency" considerably, and began to thank his stars that he had +married a woman who was as good as a fortune to him. + +In extending his agency, however, Mr. Walker increased his expenses +proportionably, and multiplied his debts accordingly. More +furniture and more plate, more wines and more dinner-parties, became +necessary; the little pony-phaeton was exchanged for a brougham of +evenings; and we may fancy our old friend Mr. Eglantine's rage and +disgust, as he looked from the pit of the Opera, to see Mrs. Walker +surrounded by what he called "the swell young nobs" about London, +bowing to my Lord, and laughing with his Grace, and led to carriage +by Sir John. + +The Ravenswing's position at this period was rather an exceptional +one. She was an honest woman, visited by that peculiar class of our +aristocracy who chiefly associate with ladies who are NOT honest. +She laughed with all, but she encouraged none. Old Crump was +constantly at her side now when she appeared in public, the most +watchful of mammas, always awake at the Opera, though she seemed to +be always asleep; but no dandy debauchee could deceive her +vigilance, and for this reason Walker, who disliked her (as every +man naturally will, must, and should dislike his mother-in-law), was +contented to suffer her in his house to act as a chaperon to +Morgiana. + +None of the young dandies ever got admission of mornings to the +little mansion in the Edgware Road; the blinds were always down; and +though you might hear Morgiana's voice half across the Park as she +was practising, yet the youthful hall-porter in the sugar-loaf +buttons was instructed to deny her, and always declared that his +mistress was gone out, with the most admirable assurance. + +After some two years of her life of splendour, there were, to be +sure, a good number of morning visitors, who came with SINGLE +knocks, and asked for Captain Walker; but these were no more +admitted than the dandies aforesaid, and were referred, generally, +to the Captain's office, whither they went or not at their +convenience. The only man who obtained admission into the house was +Baroski, whose cab transported him thrice a week to the +neighbourhood of Connaught Square, and who obtained ready entrance +in his professional capacity. + +But even then, and much to the wicked little music-master's +disappointment, the dragon Crump was always at the piano, with her +endless worsted work, or else reading her unfailing Sunday Times; +and Baroski could only employ "de langvitch of de ice," as he called +it, with his fair pupil, who used to mimic his manner of rolling his +eyes about afterwards, and perform "Baroski in love" for the +amusement of her husband and her mamma. The former had his reasons +for overlooking the attentions of the little music-master; and as +for the latter, had she not been on the stage, and had not many +hundreds of persons, in jest or earnest, made love to her? What +else can a pretty woman expect who is much before the public? And +so the worthy mother counselled her daughter to bear these +attentions with good humour, rather than to make them a subject of +perpetual alarm and quarrel. + +Baroski, then, was allowed to go on being in love, and was never in +the least disturbed in his passion; and if he was not successful, at +least the little wretch could have the pleasure of HINTING that he +was, and looking particularly roguish when the Ravenswing was named, +and assuring his friends at the club, that "upon his vort dere vas +no trut IN DAT REBORT." + +At last one day it happened that Mrs. Crump did not arrive in time +for her daughter's lesson (perhaps it rained and the omnibus was +full--a smaller circumstance than that has changed a whole life ere +now)--Mrs. Crump did not arrive, and Baroski did, and Morgiana, +seeing no great harm, sat down to her lesson as usual, and in the +midst of it down went the music-master on his knees, and made a +declaration in the most eloquent terms he could muster. + +"Don't be a fool, Baroski!" said the lady--(I can't help it if her +language was not more choice, and if she did not rise with cold +dignity, exclaiming, "Unhand me, sir!")--"Don't be a fool!" said +Mrs. Walker, "but get up and let's finish the lesson." + +"You hard-hearted adorable little greature, vill you not listen to +me?" + +"No, I vill not listen to you, Benjamin!" concluded the lady. "Get +up and take a chair, and don't go on in that ridiklous way, don't!" + +But Baroski, having a speech by heart, determined to deliver himself +of it in that posture, and begged Morgiana not to turn avay her +divine hice, and to listen to de voice of his despair, and so forth; +he seized the lady's hand, and was going to press it to his lips, +when she said, with more spirit, perhaps, than grace,-- + +"Leave go my hand, sir; I'll box your ears if you don't!" + +But Baroski wouldn't release her hand, and was proceeding to imprint +a kiss upon it; and Mrs. Crump, who had taken the omnibus at a +quarter-past twelve instead of that at twelve, had just opened the +drawing-room door and was walking in, when Morgiana, turning as red +as a peony, and unable to disengage her left hand, which the +musician held, raised up her right hand, and, with all her might and +main, gave her lover such a tremendous slap in the face as caused +him abruptly to release the hand which he held, and would have laid +him prostrate on the carpet but for Mrs. Crump, who rushed forward +and prevented him from falling by administering right and left a +whole shower of slaps, such as he had never endured since the day he +was at school. + +"What imperence!" said that worthy lady; "you'll lay hands on my +daughter, will you? (one, two). You'll insult a woman in distress, +will you, you little coward? (one, two). Take that, and mind your +manners, you filthy monster!" + +Baroski bounced up in a fury. "By Chofe, you shall hear of dis!" +shouted he; "you shall pay me dis!" + +"As many more as you please, little Benjamin," cried the widow. +"Augustus" (to the page), "was that the Captain's knock?" At this +Baroski made for his hat. "Augustus, show this imperence to the +door; and if he tries to come in again, call a policeman: do you +hear?" + +The music-master vanished very rapidly, and the two ladies, instead +of being frightened or falling into hysterics, as their betters +would have done, laughed at the odious monster's discomfiture, as +they called him. "Such a man as that set himself up against my +Howard!" said Morgiana, with becoming pride; but it was agreed +between them that Howard should know nothing of what had occurred, +for fear of quarrels, or lest he should be annoyed. So when he came +home not a word was said; and only that his wife met him with more +warmth than usual, you could not have guessed that anything +extraordinary had occurred. It is not my fault that my heroine's +sensibilities were not more keen, that she had not the least +occasion for sal-volatile or symptom of a fainting fit; but so it +was, and Mr. Howard Walker knew nothing of the quarrel between his +wife and her instructor until-- + +Until he was arrested next day at the suit of Benjamin Baroski for +two hundred and twenty guineas, and, in default of payment, was +conducted by Mr. Tobias Larkins to his principal's lock-up house in +Chancery Lane. + + + +CHAPTER V. + + + +IN WHICH MR. WALKER FALLS INTO DIFFICULTIES, AND MRS. WALKER MAKES +MANY FOOLISH ATTEMPTS TO RESCUE HIM. + +I hope the beloved reader is not silly enough to imagine that Mr. +Walker, on finding himself inspunged for debt in Chancery Lane, was +so foolish as to think of applying to any of his friends (those +great personages who have appeared every now and then in the course +of this little history, and have served to give it a fashionable +air). No, no; he knew the world too well; and that, though +Billingsgate would give him as many dozen of claret as he could +carry away under his belt, as the phrase is (I can't help it, madam, +if the phrase is not more genteel), and though Vauxhall would lend +him his carriage, slap him on the back, and dine at his house,-- +their lordships would have seen Mr. Walker depending from a beam in +front of the Old Bailey rather than have helped him to a hundred +pounds. + +And why, forsooth, should we expect otherwise in the world? I +observe that men who complain of its selfishness are quite as +selfish as the world is, and no more liberal of money than their +neighbours; and I am quite sure with regard to Captain Walker that +he would have treated a friend in want exactly as he when in want +was treated. There was only his lady who was in the least afflicted +by his captivity; and as for the club, that went on, we are bound to +say, exactly as it did on the day previous to his disappearance. + +By the way, about clubs--could we not, but for fear of detaining the +fair reader too long, enter into a wholesome dissertation here on +the manner of friendship established in those institutions, and the +noble feeling of selfishness which they are likely to encourage in +the male race? I put out of the question the stale topics of +complaint, such as leaving home, encouraging gormandising and +luxurious habits, etc.; but look also at the dealings of club-men +with one another. Look at the rush for the evening paper! See how +Shiverton orders a fire in the dog-days, and Swettenham opens the +windows in February. See how Cramley takes the whole breast of the +turkey on his plate, and how many times Jenkins sends away his +beggarly half-pint of sherry! Clubbery is organised egotism. Club +intimacy is carefully and wonderfully removed from friendship. You +meet Smith for twenty years, exchange the day's news with him, laugh +with him over the last joke, grow as well acquainted as two men may +be together--and one day, at the end of the list of members of the +club, you read in a little paragraph by itself, with all the +honours, + + MEMBER DECEASED. + Smith, John, Esq.; + +or he, on the other hand, has the advantage of reading your own name +selected for a similar typographical distinction. There it is, that +abominable little exclusive list at the end of every +club-catalogue--you can't avoid it. I belong to eight clubs myself, +and know that one year Fitz-Boodle, George Savage, Esq. (unless it +should please fate to remove my brother and his six sons, when of +course it would be Fitz-Boodle, Sir George Savage, Bart.), will +appear in the dismal category. There is that list; down I must go +in it:--the day will come, and I shan't be seen in the bow-window, +someone else will be sitting in the vacant armchair: the rubber +will begin as usual, and yet somehow Fitz will not be there. +"Where's Fitz?" says Trumpington, just arrived from the Rhine. +"Don't you know?" says Punter, turning down his thumb to the carpet. +"You led the club, I think?" says Ruff to his partner (the OTHER +partner!), and the waiter snuffs the candles. + + * * * + +I hope in the course of the above little pause, every single member +of a club who reads this has profited by the perusal. He may +belong, I say, to eight clubs; he will die, and not be missed by any +of the five thousand members. Peace be to him; the waiters will +forget him, and his name will pass away, and another great-coat will +hang on the hook whence his own used to be dependent. + +And this, I need not say, is the beauty of the club-institutions. +If it were otherwise--if, forsooth, we were to be sorry when our +friends died, or to draw out our purses when our friends were in +want, we should be insolvent, and life would be miserable. Be it +ours to button up our pockets and our hearts; and to make merry--it +is enough to swim down this life-stream for ourselves; if Poverty is +clutching hold of our heels, or Friendship would catch an arm, kick +them both off. Every man for himself, is the word, and plenty to do +too. + +My friend Captain Walker had practised the above maxims so long and +resolutely as to be quite aware when he came himself to be in +distress, that not a single soul in the whole universe would help +him, and he took his measures accordingly. + +When carried to Mr. Bendigo's lock-up house, he summoned that +gentleman in a very haughty way, took a blank banker's cheque out of +his pocket-book, and filling it up for the exact sum of the writ, +orders Mr. Bendigo forthwith to open the door and let him go forth. + +Mr. Bendigo, smiling with exceeding archness, and putting a finger +covered all over with diamond rings to his extremely aquiline nose, +inquired of Mr. Walker whether he saw anything green about his face? +intimating by this gay and good-humoured interrogatory his suspicion +of the unsatisfactory nature of the document handed over to him by +Mr. Walker. + +"Hang it, sir!" says Mr. Walker, "go and get the cheque cashed, and +be quick about it. Send your man in a cab, and here's a half-crown +to pay for it." The confident air somewhat staggers the bailiff, +who asked him whether he would like any refreshment while his man +was absent getting the amount of the cheque, and treated his +prisoner with great civility during the time of the messenger's +journey. + +But as Captain Walker had but a balance of two pounds five and +twopence (this sum was afterwards divided among his creditors, the +law expenses being previously deducted from it), the bankers of +course declined to cash the Captain's draft for two hundred and odd +pounds, simply writing the words "No effects" on the paper; on +receiving which reply Walker, far from being cast down, burst out +laughing very gaily, produced a real five-pound note, and called +upon his host for a bottle of champagne, which the two worthies +drank in perfect friendship and good-humour. The bottle was +scarcely finished, and the young Israelitish gentleman who acts as +waiter in Cursitor Street had only time to remove the flask and the +glasses, when poor Morgiana with a flood of tears rushed into her +husband's arms, and flung herself on his neck, and calling him her +"dearest, blessed Howard," would have fainted at his feet; but that +he, breaking out in a fury of oaths, asked her how, after getting +him into that scrape through her infernal extravagance, she dared to +show her face before him? This address speedily frightened the poor +thing out of her fainting fit--there is nothing so good for female +hysterics as a little conjugal sternness, nay, brutality, as many +husbands can aver who are in the habit of employing the remedy. + +"My extravagance, Howard?" said she, in a faint way; and quite put +off her purpose of swooning by the sudden attack made upon her-- +"Surely, my love, you have nothing to complain of--" + +"To complain of, ma'am?" roared the excellent Walker. "Is two +hundred guineas to a music-master nothing to complain of? Did you +bring me such a fortune as to authorise your taking guinea lessons? +Haven't I raised you out of your sphere of life and introduced you +to the best of the land? Haven't I dressed you like a duchess? +Haven't I been for you such a husband as very few women in the world +ever had, madam?--answer me that." + +"Indeed, Howard, you were always very kind," sobbed the lady. + +"Haven't I toiled and slaved for you--been out all day working for +you? Haven't I allowed your vulgar old mother to come to your +house--to my house, I say? Haven't I done all this?" + +She could not deny it, and Walker, who was in a rage (and when a man +is in a rage, for what on earth is a wife made but that he should +vent his rage on her?), continued for some time in this strain, and +so abused, frightened, and overcame poor Morgiana that she left her +husband fully convinced that she was the most guilty of beings, and +bemoaning his double bad fortune, that her Howard was ruined and she +the cause of his misfortunes. + +When she was gone, Mr. Walker resumed his equanimity (for he was not +one of those men whom a few months of the King's Bench were likely +to terrify), and drank several glasses of punch in company with his +host; with whom in perfect calmness he talked over his affairs. +That he intended to pay his debt and quit the spunging-house next +day is a matter of course; no one ever was yet put in a +spunging-house that did not pledge his veracity he intended to quit +it to-morrow. Mr. Bendigo said he should be heartily glad to open +the door to him, and in the meantime sent out diligently to see +among his friends if there were any more detainers against the +Captain, and to inform the Captain's creditors to come forward +against him. + +Morgiana went home in profound grief, it may be imagined, and could +hardly refrain from bursting into tears when the sugar-loaf page +asked whether master was coming home early, or whether he had taken +his key; she lay awake tossing and wretched the whole night, and +very early in the morning rose up, and dressed, and went out. + +Before nine o'clock she was in Cursitor Street, and once more +joyfully bounced into her husband's arms; who woke up yawning and +swearing somewhat, with a severe headache, occasioned by the +jollification of the previous night: for, strange though it may +seem, there are perhaps no places in Europe where jollity is more +practised than in prisons for debt; and I declare for my own part (I +mean, of course, that I went to visit a friend) I have dined at Mr. +Aminadab's as sumptuously as at Long's. + +But it is necessary to account for Morgiana's joyfulness; which was +strange in her husband's perplexity, and after her sorrow of the +previous night. Well, then, when Mrs. Walker went out in the +morning, she did so with a very large basket under her arm. "Shall +I carry the basket, ma'am?" said the page, seizing it with much +alacrity. + +"No, thank you," cried his mistress, with equal eagerness: "it's +only--" + +"Of course, ma'am," replied the boy, sneering, "I knew it was that." + +"Glass," continued Mrs. Walker, turning extremely red. "Have the +goodness to call a coach, sir, and not to speak till you are +questioned." + +The young gentleman disappeared upon his errand: the coach was +called and came. Mrs. Walker slipped into it with her basket, and +the page went downstairs to his companions in the kitchen, and said, +"It's a-comin'! master's in quod, and missus has gone out to pawn +the plate." When the cook went out that day, she somehow had by +mistake placed in her basket a dozen of table-knives and a plated +egg-stand. When the lady's-maid took a walk in the course of the +afternoon, she found she had occasion for eight cambric +pocket-handkerchiefs, (marked with her mistress's cipher), +half-a-dozen pair of shoes, gloves, long and short, some silk +stockings, and a gold-headed scent-bottle. "Both the new cashmeres +is gone," said she, "and there's nothing left in Mrs. Walker's +trinket-box but a paper of pins and an old coral bracelet." As for +the page, he rushed incontinently to his master's dressing-room and +examined every one of the pockets of his clothes; made a parcel of +some of them, and opened all the drawers which Walker had not locked +before his departure. He only found three-halfpence and a bill +stamp, and about forty-five tradesmen's accounts, neatly labelled +and tied up with red tape. These three worthies, a groom who was a +great admirer of Trimmer the lady's-maid, and a policeman a friend +of the cook's, sat down to a comfortable dinner at the usual hour, +and it was agreed among them all that Walker's ruin was certain. +The cook made the policeman a present of a china punch-bowl which +Mrs. Walker had given her; and the lady's-maid gave her friend the +"Book of Beauty" for last year, and the third volume of Byron's +poems from the drawing-room table. + +"I'm dash'd if she ain't taken the little French clock, too," said +the page, and so indeed Mrs. Walker had; it slipped in the basket +where it lay enveloped in one of her shawls, and then struck madly +and unnaturally a great number of times, as Morgiana was lifting her +store of treasures out of the hackney-coach. The coachman wagged +his head sadly as he saw her walking as quick as she could under her +heavy load, and disappearing round the corner of the street at which +Mr. Balls's celebrated jewellery establishment is situated. It is a +grand shop, with magnificent silver cups and salvers, rare +gold-headed canes, flutes, watches, diamond brooches, and a few fine +specimens of the old masters in the window, and under the words-- + + BALLS, JEWELLER, + +you read + + Money Lent. + +in the very smallest type, on the door. + +The interview with Mr. Balls need not be described; but it must have +been a satisfactory one, for at the end of half an hour Morgiana +returned and bounded into the coach with sparkling eyes, and told +the driver to GALLOP to Cursitor Street; which, smiling, he promised +to do, and accordingly set off in that direction at the rate of four +miles an hour. "I thought so," said the philosophic charioteer. +"When a man's in quod, a woman don't mind her silver spoons;" and he +was so delighted with her action, that he forgot to grumble when she +came to settle accounts with him, even though she gave him only +double his fare. + +"Take me to him," said she to the young Hebrew who opened the door. + +"To whom?" says the sarcastic youth; "there's twenty HIM'S here. +You're precious early." + +"To Captain Walker, young man," replied Morgiana haughtily; +whereupon the youth opening the second door, and seeing Mr. Bendigo +in a flowered dressing-gown descending the stairs, exclaimed, "Papa, +here's a lady for the Captain." "I'm come to free him," said she, +trembling, and holding out a bundle of bank-notes. "Here's the +amount of your claim, sir--two hundred and twenty guineas, as you +told me last night." The Jew took the notes, and grinned as he +looked at her, and grinned double as he looked at his son, and +begged Mrs. Walker to step into his study and take a receipt. When +the door of that apartment closed upon the lady and his father, Mr. +Bendigo the younger fell back in an agony of laughter, which it is +impossible to describe in words, and presently ran out into a court +where some of the luckless inmates of the house were already taking +the air, and communicated something to them which made those +individuals also laugh as uproariously as he had previously done. + +Well, after joyfully taking the receipt from Mr. Bendigo (how her +cheeks flushed and her heart fluttered as she dried it on the +blotting-book!), and after turning very pale again on hearing that +the Captain had had a very bad night: "And well he might, poor +dear!" said she (at which Mr. Bendigo, having no person to grin at, +grinned at a marble bust of Mr. Pitt, which ornamented his +sideboard)--Morgiana, I say, these preliminaries being concluded, +was conducted to her husband's apartment, and once more flinging her +arms round her dearest Howard's neck, told him with one of the +sweetest smiles in the world, to make haste and get up and come +home, for breakfast was waiting and the carriage at the door. + +"What do you mean, love?" said the Captain, starting up and looking +exceedingly surprised. + +"I mean that my dearest is free; that the odious little creature is +paid--at least the horrid bailiff is." + +"Have you been to Baroski?" said Walker, turning very red. + +"Howard!" said his wife, quite indignant. + +"Did--did your mother give you the money?" asked the Captain. + +"No; I had it by me" replies Mrs. Walker, with a very knowing look. + +Walker was more surprised than ever. "Have you any more by you?" +said he. + +Mrs. Walker showed him her purse with two guineas. "That is all, +love," she said. "And I wish," continued she, "you would give me a +draft to pay a whole list of little bills that have somehow all come +in within the last few days." + +"Well, well, you shall have the cheque," continued Mr. Walker, and +began forthwith to make his toilet, which completed, he rang for Mr. +Bendigo, and his bill, and intimated his wish to go home directly. + +The honoured bailiff brought the bill, but with regard to his being +free, said it was impossible. + +"How impossible?" said Mrs. Walker, turning very red: and then very +pale. "Did I not pay just now?" + +"So you did, and you've got the reshipt; but there's another +detainer against the Captain for a hundred and fifty. Eglantine and +Mossrose, of Bond Street;--perfumery for five years, you know." + +"You don't mean to say you were such a fool as to pay without asking +if there were any more detainers?" roared Walker to his wife. + +"Yes, she was though," chuckled Mr. Bendigo; "but she'll know better +the next time: and, besides, Captain, what's a hundred and fifty +pounds to you?" + +Though Walker desired nothing so much in the world at that moment as +the liberty to knock down his wife, his sense of prudence overcame +his desire for justice: if that feeling may be called prudence on +his part, which consisted in a strong wish to cheat the bailiff into +the idea that he (Walker) was an exceedingly respectable and wealthy +man. Many worthy persons indulge in this fond notion, that they are +imposing upon the world; strive to fancy, for instance, that their +bankers consider them men of property because they keep a tolerable +balance, pay little tradesmen's bills with ostentatious punctuality, +and so forth--but the world, let us be pretty sure, is as wise as +need be, and guesses our real condition with a marvellous instinct, +or learns it with curious skill. The London tradesman is one of the +keenest judges of human nature extant; and if a tradesman, how much +more a bailiff? In reply to the ironic question, "What's a hundred +and fifty pounds to you?" Walker, collecting himself, answers, "It +is an infamous imposition, and I owe the money no more than you do; +but, nevertheless, I shall instruct my lawyers to pay it in the +course of the morning: under protest, of course." + +"Oh, of course," said Mr. Bendigo, bowing and quitting the room, and +leaving Mrs. Walker to the pleasure of a tete-a-tete with her +husband. + +And now being alone with the partner of his bosom, the worthy +gentleman began an address to her which cannot be put down on paper +here; because the world is exceedingly squeamish, and does not care +to hear the whole truth about rascals, and because the fact is that +almost every other word of the Captain's speech was a curse, such as +would shock the beloved reader were it put in print. + +Fancy, then, in lieu of the conversation, a scoundrel, disappointed +and in a fury, wreaking his brutal revenge upon an amiable woman, +who sits trembling and pale, and wondering at this sudden exhibition +of wrath. Fancy how he clenches his fists and stands over her, and +stamps and screams out curses with a livid face, growing wilder and +wilder in his rage; wrenching her hand when she wants to turn away, +and only stopping at last when she has fallen off the chair in a +fainting fit, with a heart-breaking sob that made the Jew-boy who +was listening at the key-hole turn quite pale and walk away. Well, +it is best, perhaps, that such a conversation should not be told at +length:--at the end of it, when Mr. Walker had his wife lifeless on +the floor, he seized a water-jug and poured it over her; which +operation pretty soon brought her to herself, and shaking her black +ringlets, she looked up once more again timidly into his face, and +took his hand, and began to cry. + +He spoke now in a somewhat softer voice, and let her keep paddling +on with his hand as before; he COULDN'T speak very fiercely to the +poor girl in her attitude of defeat, and tenderness, and +supplication. "Morgiana," said he, "your extravagance and +carelessness have brought me to ruin, I'm afraid. If you had chosen +to have gone to Baroski, a word from you would have made him +withdraw the writ, and my property wouldn't have been sacrificed, as +it has now been, for nothing. It mayn't be yet too late, however, +to retrieve ourselves. This bill of Eglantine's is a regular +conspiracy, I am sure, between Mossrose and Bendigo here: you must +go to Eglantine--he's an old--an old flame of yours, you know." + +She dropped his hand: "I can't go to Eglantine after what has +passed between us," she said; but Walker's face instantly began to +wear a certain look, and she said with a shudder, "Well, well, dear, +I WILL go." "You will go to Eglantine, and ask him to take a bill +for the amount of this shameful demand--at any date, never mind +what. Mind, however, to see him alone, and I'm sure if you choose +you can settle the business. Make haste; set off directly, and come +back, as there may be more detainers in." + +Trembling, and in a great flutter, Morgiana put on her bonnet and +gloves, and went towards the door. "It's a fine morning," said Mr. +Walker, looking out: "a walk will do you good; +and--Morgiana--didn't you say you had a couple of guineas in your +pocket?" + +"Here it is," said she, smiling all at once, and holding up her face +to be kissed. She paid the two guineas for the kiss. Was it not a +mean act? "Is it possible that people can love where they do not +respect?" says Miss Prim: "_I_ never would." Nobody asked you, +Miss Prim: but recollect Morgiana was not born with your advantages +of education and breeding; and was, in fact, a poor vulgar creature, +who loved Mr. Walker, not because her mamma told her, nor because he +was an exceedingly eligible and well-brought-up young man, but +because she could not help it, and knew no better. Nor is Mrs. +Walker set up as a model of virtue: ah, no! when I want a model of +virtue I will call in Baker Street, and ask for a sitting of my dear +(if I may be permitted to say so) Miss Prim. + +We have Mr. Howard Walker safely housed in Mr. Bendigo's +establishment in Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane; and it looks like +mockery and want of feeling towards the excellent hero of this story +(or, as should rather be said, towards the husband of the heroine) +to say what he might have been but for the unlucky little +circumstance of Baroski's passion for Morgiana, + +If Baroski had not fallen in love with Morgiana, he would not have +given her two hundred guineas' worth of lessons; he would not have +so far presumed as to seize her hand, and attempt to kiss it; if he +had not attempted to kiss her, she would not have boxed his ears; he +would not have taken out the writ against Walker; Walker would have +been free, very possibly rich, and therefore certainly respected: +he always said that a month's more liberty would have set him beyond +the reach of misfortune. + +The assertion is very likely a correct one; for Walker had a flashy +enterprising genius, which ends in wealth sometimes; in the King's +Bench not seldom; occasionally, alas! in Van Diemen's Land. He +might have been rich, could he have kept his credit, and had not his +personal expenses and extravagances pulled him down. He had +gallantly availed himself of his wife's fortune; nor could any man +in London, as he proudly said, have made five hundred pounds go so +far. He had, as we have seen, furnished a house, sideboard, and +cellar with it: he had a carriage, and horses in his stable, and +with the remainder he had purchased shares in four companies--of +three of which he was founder and director, had conducted +innumerable bargains in the foreign stocks, had lived and +entertained sumptuously, and made himself a very considerable +income. He had set up THE CAPITOL Loan and Life Assurance Company, +had discovered the Chimborazo gold mines, and the Society for +Recovering and Draining the Pontine Marshes; capital ten millions; +patron HIS HOLINESS THE POPE. It certainly was stated in an evening +paper that His Holiness had made him a Knight of the Spur, and had +offered to him the rank of Count; and he was raising a loan for His +Highness, the Cacique of Panama, who had sent him (by way of +dividend) the grand cordon of His Highness's order of the Castle and +Falcon, which might be seen any day at his office in Bond Street, +with the parchments signed and sealed by the Grand Master and Falcon +King-at-arms of His Highness. In a week more Walker would have +raised a hundred thousand pounds on His Highness's twenty per cent. +loan; he would have had fifteen thousand pounds commission for +himself; his companies would have risen to par, he would have +realised his shares; he would have gone into Parliament; he would +have been made a baronet, who knows? a peer, probably! "And I +appeal to you, sir," Walker would say to his friends, "could any man +have shown better proof of his affection for his wife than by laying +out her little miserable money as I did? They call me heartless, +sir, because I didn't succeed; sir, my life has been a series of +sacrifices for that woman, such as no man ever performed before." + +A proof of Walker's dexterity and capability for business may be +seen in the fact that he had actually appeased and reconciled one of +his bitterest enemies--our honest friend Eglantine. After Walker's +marriage Eglantine, who had now no mercantile dealings with his +former agent, became so enraged with him, that, as the only means of +revenge in his power, he sent him in his bill for goods supplied to +the amount of one hundred and fifty guineas, and sued him for the +amount. But Walker stepped boldly over to his enemy, and in the +course of half an hour they were friends. + +Eglantine promised to forego his claim; and accepted in lieu of it +three hundred-pound shares of the ex-Panama stock, bearing +twenty-five per cent., payable half-yearly at the house of Hocus +Brothers, St. Swithin's Lane; three hundred-pound shares, and the +SECOND class of the order of the Castle and Falcon, with the riband +and badge. "In four years, Eglantine, my boy, I hope to get you the +Grand Cordon of the order," said Walker: "I hope to see you a +KNIGHT GRAND CROSS, with a grant of a hundred thousand acres +reclaimed from the Isthmus." + +To do my poor Eglantine justice, he did not care for the hundred +thousand acres--it was the star that delighted him--ah! how his fat +chest heaved with delight as he sewed on the cross and riband to his +dress-coat, and lighted up four wax candles and looked at himself in +the glass. He was known to wear a great-coat after that--it was +that he might wear the cross under it. That year he went on a trip +to Boulogne. He was dreadfully ill during the voyage, but as the +vessel entered the port he was seen to emerge from the cabin, his +coat open, the star blazing on his chest; the soldiers saluted him +as he walked the streets, he was called Monsieur le Chevalier, and +when he went home he entered into negotiations with Walker to +purchase a commission in His Highness's service. Walker said he +would get him the nominal rank of Captain, the fees at the Panama +War Office were five-and-twenty pounds, which sum honest Eglantine +produced, and had his commission, and a pack of visiting cards +printed as Captain Archibald Eglantine, K.C.F. Many a time he +looked at them as they lay in his desk, and he kept the cross in his +dressing-table, and wore it as he shaved every morning. + +His Highness the Cacique, it is well known, came to England, and had +lodgings in Regent Street, where he held a levee, at which Eglantine +appeared in the Panama uniform, and was most graciously received by +his Sovereign. His Highness proposed to make Captain Eglantine his +aide-de-camp with the rank of Colonel, but the Captain's exchequer +was rather low at that moment, and the fees at the "War Office" were +peremptory. Meanwhile His Highness left Regent Street, was said by +some to have returned to Panama, by others to be in his native city +of Cork, by others to be leading a life of retirement in the New +Cut, Lambeth; at any rate was not visible for some time, so that +Captain Eglantine's advancement did not take place. Eglantine was +somehow ashamed to mention his military and chivalric rank to Mr. +Mossrose, when that gentleman came into partnership with him; and +kept these facts secret, until they were detected by a very painful +circumstance. On the very day when Walker was arrested at the suit +of Benjamin Baroski, there appeared in the newspapers an account of +the imprisonment of His Highness the Prince of Panama for a bill +owing to a licensed victualler in Ratcliff Highway. The magistrate +to whom the victualler subsequently came to complain passed many +pleasantries on the occasion. He asked whether His Highness did not +drink like a swan with two necks; whether he had brought any Belles +savages with him from Panama, and so forth; and the whole court, +said the report, "was convulsed with laughter when Boniface produced +a green and yellow riband with a large star of the order of the +Castle and Falcon, with which His Highness proposed to gratify him, +in lieu of paying his little bill." + +It was as he was reading the above document with a bleeding heart +that Mr. Mossrose came in from his daily walk to the City. "Vell, +Eglantine," says he, "have you heard the newsh?" + +"About His Highness?" + +"About your friend Valker; he's arrested for two hundred poundsh!" + +Eglantine at this could contain no more; but told his story of how +he had been induced to accept three hundred pounds of Panama stock +for his account against Walker, and cursed his stars for his folly. +"Vell, you've only to bring in another bill," said the younger +perfumer; "swear he owes you a hundred and fifty pounds, and we'll +have a writ out against him this afternoon." + +And so a second writ was taken out against Captain Walker. + +"You'll have his wife here very likely in a day or two," said Mr. +Mossrose to his partner; "them chaps always sends their wives, and I +hope you know how to deal with her." + +"I don't value her a fig's hend," said Eglantine. "I'll treat her +like the dust of the hearth. After that woman's conduct to me, I +should like to see her have the haudacity to come here; and if she +does, you'll see how I'll serve her." + +The worthy perfumer was, in fact, resolved to be exceedingly +hard-hearted in his behaviour towards his old love, and acted over +at night in bed the scene which was to occur when the meeting should +take place. Oh, thought he, but it will be a grand thing to see the +proud Morgiana on her knees to me; and me a-pointing to the door, +and saying, "Madam, you've steeled this 'eart against you, you +have;--bury the recollection of old times, of those old times when I +thought my 'eart would have broke, but it didn't--no: 'earts are +made of sterner stuff. I didn't die, as I thought I should; I stood +it, and live to see the woman I despised at my feet--ha, ha, at my +feet!" + +In the midst of these thoughts Mr. Eglantine fell asleep; but it was +evident that the idea of seeing Morgiana once more agitated him +considerably, else why should he have been at the pains of preparing +so much heroism? His sleep was exceedingly fitful and troubled; he +saw Morgiana in a hundred shapes; he dreamed that he was dressing +her hair; that he was riding with her to Richmond; that the horse +turned into a dragon, and Morgiana into Woolsey, who took him by the +throat and choked him, while the dragon played the key-bugle. And +in the morning when Mossrose was gone to his business in the City, +and he sat reading the Morning Post in his study, ah! what a thump +his heart gave as the lady of his dreams actually stood before him! + +Many a lady who purchased brushes at Eglantine's shop would have +given ten guineas for such a colour as his when he saw her. His +heart beat violently, he was almost choking in his stays: he had +been prepared for the visit, but his courage failed him now it had +come. They were both silent for some minutes. + +"You know what I am come for," at last said Morgiana from under her +veil, but she put it aside as she spoke. + +"I--that is--yes--it's a painful affair, mem," he said, giving one +look at her pale face, and then turning away in a flurry. "I beg to +refer you to Blunt, Hone, and Sharpus, my lawyers, mem," he added, +collecting himself. + +"I didn't expect this from YOU, Mr. Eglantine," said the lady, and +began to sob. + +"And after what's 'appened, I didn't expect a visit from YOU, mem. +I thought Mrs. Capting Walker was too great a dame to visit poor +Harchibald Eglantine (though some of the first men in the country DO +visit him). Is there anything in which I can oblige you, mem?" + +"O heavens!" cried the poor woman; "have I no friend left? I never +thought that you, too, would have deserted me, Mr. Archibald." + +The "Archibald," pronounced in the old way, had evidently an effect +on the perfumer; he winced and looked at her very eagerly for a +moment. "What can I do for you, mem?" at last said he. + +"What is this bill against Mr. Walker, for which he is now in +prison?" + +"Perfumery supplied for five years; that man used more 'air-brushes +than any duke in the land, and as for eau-de-Cologne, he must have +bathed himself in it. He hordered me about like a lord. He never +paid me one shilling--he stabbed me in my most vital part--but ah! +ah! never mind THAT: and I said I would be revenged, and I AM." + +The perfumer was quite in a rage again by this time, and wiped his +fat face with his pocket-handkerchief, and glared upon Mrs. Walker +with a most determined air. + +"Revenged on whom? Archibald--Mr. Eglantine, revenged on me--on a +poor woman whom you made miserable! You would not have done so +once." + +"Ha! and a precious way you treated me ONCE," said Eglantine: +"don't talk to me, mem, of ONCE. Bury the recollection of once for +hever! I thought my 'eart would have broke once, but no: 'earts +are made of sterner stuff. I didn't die, as I thought I should; I +stood it--and I live to see the woman who despised me at my feet." + +"Oh, Archibald!" was all the lady could say, and she fell to sobbing +again: it was perhaps her best argument with the perfumer. + +"Oh, Harchibald, indeed!" continued he, beginning to swell; "don't +call me Harchibald, Morgiana. Think what a position you might have +held if you'd chose: when, when--you MIGHT have called me +Harchibald. Now it's no use," added he, with harrowing pathos; +"but, though I've been wronged, I can't bear to see women in tears- +-tell me what I can do." + +"Dear good Mr. Eglantine, send to your lawyers and stop this horrid +prosecution--take Mr. Walker's acknowledgment for the debt. If he +is free, he is sure to have a very large sum of money in a few days, +and will pay you all. Do not ruin him--do not ruin me by persisting +now. Be the old kind Eglantine you were." + +Eglantine took a hand, which Morgiana did not refuse; he thought +about old times. He had known her since childhood almost; as a girl +he dandled her on his knee at the "Kidneys;" as a woman he had +adored her--his heart was melted. + +"He did pay me in a sort of way," reasoned the perfumer with +himself--"these bonds, though they are not worth much, I took 'em +for better or for worse, and I can't bear to see her crying, and to +trample on a woman in distress. Morgiana," he added, in a loud +cheerful voice, "cheer up; I'll give you a release for your husband: +I WILL be the old kind Eglantine I was." + +"Be the old kind jackass you vash!" here roared a voice that made +Mr. Eglantine start. "Vy, vat an old fat fool you are, Eglantine, +to give up our just debts because a voman comes snivelling and +crying to you--and such a voman, too!" exclaimed Mr. Mossrose, for +his was the voice. + +"Such a woman, sir?" cried the senior partner. + +"Yes; such a woman--vy, didn't she jilt you herself?--hasn't she +been trying the same game with Baroski; and are you so green as to +give up a hundred and fifty pounds because she takes a fancy to come +vimpering here? I won't, I can tell you. The money's as much mine +as it is yours, and I'll have it or keep Walker's body, that's what +I will." + +At the presence of his partner, the timid good genius of Eglantine, +which had prompted him to mercy and kindness, at once outspread its +frightened wings and flew away. + +"You see how it is, Mrs. W.," said he, looking down; "it's an affair +of business--in all these here affairs of business Mr. Mossrose is +the managing man; ain't you, Mr. Mossrose?" + +"A pretty business it would be if I wasn't," replied Mossrose, +doggedly. "Come, ma'am," says he, "I'll tell you vat I do: I take +fifty per shent; not a farthing less--give me that, and out your +husband goes." + +"Oh, sir, Howard will pay you in a week." + +"Vell, den, let him stop at my uncle Bendigo's for a week, and come +out den--he's very comfortable there," said Shylock with a grin. +"Hadn't you better go to the shop, Mr. Eglantine," continued he, +"and look after your business? Mrs. Walker can't want you to listen +to her all day." + +Eglantine was glad of the excuse, and slunk out of the studio; not +into the shop, but into his parlour; where he drank off a great +glass of maraschino, and sat blushing and exceedingly agitated, +until Mossrose came to tell him that Mrs. W. was gone, and wouldn't +trouble him any more. But although he drank several more glasses of +maraschino, and went to the play that night, and to the +Cider-cellars afterwards, neither the liquor, nor the play, nor the +delightful comic songs at the cellars, could drive Mrs. Walker out +of his head, and the memory of old times, and the image of her pale +weeping face. + +Morgiana tottered out of the shop, scarcely heeding the voice of Mr. +Mossrose, who said, "I'll take forty per shent" (and went back to +his duty cursing himself for a soft-hearted fool for giving up so +much of his rights to a puling woman). Morgiana, I say, tottered +out of the shop, and went up Conduit Street, weeping, weeping with +all her eyes. She was quite faint, for she had taken nothing that +morning but the glass of water which the pastry-cook in the Strand +had given her, and was forced to take hold of the railings of a +house for support just as a little gentleman with a yellow +handkerchief under his arm was issuing from the door. + +"Good heavens, Mrs. Walker!" said the gentleman. It was no other +than Mr. Woolsey, who was going forth to try a body-coat for a +customer. "Are you ill?--what's the matter?--for God's sake come +in!" and he took her arm under his, and led her into his +back-parlour, and seated her, and had some wine and water before her +in one minute, before she had said one single word regarding +herself. + +As soon as she was somewhat recovered, and with the interruption of +a thousand sobs, the poor thing told as well as she could her little +story. Mr. Eglantine had arrested Mr. Walker: she had been trying +to gain time for him; Eglantine had refused. + +"The hard-hearted cowardly brute to refuse HER anything!" said loyal +Mr. Woolsey. "My dear," says he, "I've no reason to love your +husband, and I know too much about him to respect him; but I love +and respect YOU, and will spend my last shilling to serve you." At +which Morgiana could only take his hand and cry a great deal more +than ever. She said Mr. Walker would have a great deal of money in +a week, that he was the best of husbands, and she was sure Mr. +Woolsey would think better of him when he knew him; that Mr. +Eglantine's bill was one hundred and fifty pounds, but that Mr. +Mossrose would take forty per cent. if Mr. Woolsey could say how +much that was. + +"I'll pay a thousand pound to do you good," said Mr. Woolsey, +bouncing up; "stay here for ten minutes, my dear, until my return, +and all shall be right, as you will see." He was back in ten +minutes, and had called a cab from the stand opposite (all the +coachmen there had seen and commented on Mrs. Walker's woebegone +looks), and they were off for Cursitor Street in a moment. "They'll +settle the whole debt for twenty pounds," said he, and showed an +order to that effect from Mr. Mossrose to Mr. Bendigo, empowering +the latter to release Walker on receiving Mr. Woolsey's +acknowledgment for the above sum. + +"There's no use paying it," said Mr. Walker, doggedly; "it would +only be robbing you, Mr. Woolsey--seven more detainers have come in +while my wife has been away. I must go through the court now; but," +he added in a whisper to the tailor, "my good sir, my debts of +HONOUR are sacred, and if you will have the goodness to lend ME the +twenty pounds, I pledge you my word as a gentleman to return it when +I come out of quod." + +It is probable that Mr. Woolsey declined this; for, as soon as he +was gone, Walker, in a tremendous fury, began cursing his wife for +dawdling three hours on the road. "Why the deuce, ma'am, didn't you +take a cab?" roared he, when he heard she had walked to Bond Street. +"Those writs have only been in half an hour, and I might have been +off but for you." + +"Oh, Howard," said she, "didn't you take--didn't I give you my--my +last shilling?" and fell back and wept again more bitterly than +ever. + +"Well, love," said her amiable husband, turning rather red, "never +mind, it wasn't your fault. It is but going through the court. It +is no great odds. I forgive you." + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + + +IN WHICH MR. WALKER STILL REMAINS IN DIFFICULTIES, BUT SHOWS GREAT +RESIGNATION UNDER HIS MISFORTUNES. + +The exemplary Walker, seeing that escape from his enemies was +hopeless, and that it was his duty as a man to turn on them and face +them, now determined to quit the splendid though narrow lodgings +which Mr. Bendigo had provided for him, and undergo the martyrdom of +the Fleet. Accordingly, in company with that gentleman, he came +over to Her Majesty's prison, and gave himself into the custody of +the officers there; and did not apply for the accommodation of the +Rules (by which in those days the captivity of some debtors was +considerably lightened), because he knew perfectly well that there +was no person in the wide world who would give a security for the +heavy sums for which Walker was answerable. What these sums were is +no matter, and on this head we do not think it at all necessary to +satisfy the curiosity of the reader. He may have owed hundreds-- +thousands, his creditors only can tell; he paid the dividend which +has been formerly mentioned, and showed thereby his desire to +satisfy all claims upon him to the uttermost farthing. + +As for the little house in Connaught Square, when, after quitting +her husband, Morgiana drove back thither, the door was opened by the +page, who instantly thanked her to pay his wages; and in the +drawing-room, on a yellow satin sofa, sat a seedy man (with a pot of +porter beside him placed on an album for fear of staining the +rosewood table), and the seedy man signified that he had taken +possession of the furniture in execution for a judgment debt. +Another seedy man was in the dining-room, reading a newspaper, and +drinking gin; he informed Mrs. Walker that he was the representative +of another judgment debt and of another execution:--"There's another +on 'em in the kitchen," said the page, "taking an inwentory of the +furniture; and he swears he'll have you took up for swindling, for +pawning the plate." + +"Sir," said Mr. Woolsey, for that worthy man had conducted Morgiana +home--"sir," said he, shaking his stick at the young page, "if you +give any more of your impudence, I'll beat every button off your +jacket:" and as there were some four hundred of these ornaments, the +page was silent. It was a great mercy for Morgiana that the honest +and faithful tailor had accompanied her. The good fellow had waited +very patiently for her for an hour in the parlour or coffee-room of +the lock-up house, knowing full well that she would want a protector +on her way homewards; and his kindness will be more appreciated when +it is stated that, during the time of his delay in the coffee-room, +he had been subject to the entreaties, nay, to the insults, of +Cornet Fipkin of the Blues, who was in prison at the suit of Linsey, +Woolsey and Co., and who happened to be taking his breakfast in the +apartment when his obdurate creditor entered it. The Cornet (a hero +of eighteen, who stood at least five feet three in his boots, and +owed fifteen thousand pounds) was so enraged at the obduracy of his +creditor that he said he would have thrown him out of the window but +for the bars which guarded it; and entertained serious thoughts of +knocking the tailor's head off, but that the latter, putting his +right leg forward and his fists in a proper attitude, told the young +officer to "come on;" on which the Cornet cursed the tailor for a +"snob," and went back to his breakfast. + +The execution people having taken charge of Mr. Walker's house, Mrs. +Walker was driven to take refuge with her mamma near "Sadler's +Wells," and the Captain remained comfortably lodged in the Fleet. +He had some ready money, and with it managed to make his existence +exceedingly comfortable. He lived with the best society of the +place, consisting of several distinguished young noblemen and +gentlemen. He spent the morning playing at fives and smoking +cigars; the evening smoking cigars and dining comfortably. Cards +came after dinner; and, as the Captain was an experienced player, +and near a score of years older than most of his friends, he was +generally pretty successful: indeed, if he had received all the +money that was owed to him, he might have come out of prison and +paid his creditors twenty shillings in the pound--that is, if he had +been minded to do so. But there is no use in examining into that +point too closely, for the fact is, young Fipkin only paid him forty +pounds out of seven hundred, for which he gave him I.O.U.'s; +Algernon Deuceace not only did not pay him three hundred and twenty +which he lost at blind hookey, but actually borrowed seven and +sixpence in money from Walker, which has never been repaid to this +day; and Lord Doublequits actually lost nineteen thousand pounds to +him at heads and tails, which he never paid, pleading drunkenness +and his minority. The reader may recollect a paragraph which went +the round of the papers entitled-- + +"Affair of honour in the Fleet Prison.--Yesterday morning (behind +the pump in the second court) Lord D-bl-qu-ts and Captain H-w-rd +W-lk-r (a near relative, we understand, of his Grace the Duke of +N-rf-lk) had a hostile meeting and exchanged two shots. These two +young sprigs of nobility were attended to the ground by Major Flush, +who, by the way, is FLUSH no longer, and Captain Pam, late of the -- +--- Dragoons. Play is said to have been the cause of the quarrel, +and the gallant Captain is reported to have handled the noble lord's +nose rather roughly at one stage of the transactions." + +When Morgiana at "Sadler's Wells" heard these news, she was ready to +faint with terror; and rushed to the Fleet Prison, and embraced her +lord and master with her usual expansion and fits of tears: very +much to that gentleman's annoyance, who happened to be in company +with Pain and Flush at the time, and did not care that his handsome +wife should be seen too much in the dubious precincts of the Fleet. +He had at least so much shame about him, and had always rejected her +entreaties to be allowed to inhabit the prison with him. + +"It is enough," would he say, casting his eyes heavenward, and with +a most lugubrious countenance--"it is enough, Morgiana, that _I_ +should suffer, even though your thoughtlessness has been the cause +of my ruin. But enough of THAT! I will not rebuke you for faults +for which I know you are now repentant; and I never could bear to +see you in the midst of the miseries of this horrible place. Remain +at home with your mother, and let me drag on the weary days here +alone. If you can get me any more of that pale sherry, my love, do. +I require something to cheer me in solitude, and have found my chest +very much relieved by that wine. Put more pepper and eggs, my dear, +into the next veal-pie you make me. I can't eat the horrible messes +in the coffee-room here." + +It was Walker's wish, I can't tell why, except that it is the wish +of a great number of other persons in this strange world, to make +his wife believe that he was wretched in mind and ill in health; and +all assertions to this effect the simple creature received with +numberless tears of credulity: she would go home to Mrs. Crump, and +say how her darling Howard was pining away, how he was ruined for +HER, and with what angelic sweetness he bore his captivity. The +fact is, he bore it with so much resignation that no other person in +the world could see that he was unhappy. His life was undisturbed +by duns; his day was his own from morning till night; his diet was +good, his acquaintances jovial, his purse tolerably well supplied, +and he had not one single care to annoy him. + +Mrs. Crump and Woolsey, perhaps, received Morgiana's account of her +husband's miseries with some incredulity. The latter was now a +daily visitor to "Sadler's Wells." His love for Morgiana had become +a warm fatherly generous regard for her; it was out of the honest +fellow's cellar that the wine used to come which did so much good to +Mr. Walker's chest; and he tried a thousand ways to make Morgiana +happy. + +A very happy day, indeed, it was when, returning from her visit to +the Fleet, she found in her mother's sitting-room her dear grand +rosewood piano, and every one of her music-books, which the +kind-hearted tailor had purchased at the sale of Walker's effects. +And I am not ashamed to say that Morgiana herself was so charmed, +that when, as usual, Mr. Woolsey came to drink tea in the evening, +she actually gave him a kiss; which frightened Mr. Woolsey, and made +him blush exceedingly. She sat down, and played him that evening +every one of the songs which he liked--the OLD songs--none of your +Italian stuff. Podmore, the old music-master, was there too, and +was delighted and astonished at the progress in singing which +Morgiana had made; and when the little party separated, he took Mr. +Woolsey by the hand, and said, "Give me leave to tell you, sir, that +you're a TRUMP." + +"That he is," said Canterfield, the first tragic; "an honour to +human nature. A man whose hand is open as day to melting charity, +and whose heart ever melts at the tale of woman's distress." + +"Pooh, pooh, stuff and nonsense, sir," said the tailor; but, upon my +word, Mr. Canterfield's words were perfectly correct. I wish as +much could be said in favour of Woolsey's old rival, Mr. Eglantine, +who attended the sale too, but it was with a horrid kind of +satisfaction at the thought that Walker was ruined. He bought the +yellow satin sofa before mentioned, and transferred it to what he +calls his "sitting-room," where it is to this day, bearing many +marks of the best bear's grease. Woolsey bid against Baroski for +the piano, very nearly up to the actual value of the instrument, +when the artist withdrew from competition; and when he was sneering +at the ruin of Mr. Walker, the tailor sternly interrupted him by +saying, "What the deuce are YOU sneering at? You did it, sir; and +you're paid every shilling of your claim, ain't you?" On which +Baroski turned round to Miss Larkins, and said, Mr. Woolsey was a +"snop;" the very word, though pronounced somewhat differently, which +the gallant Cornet Fipkin had applied to him. + +Well; so he WAS a snob. But, vulgar as he was, I declare, for my +part, that I have a greater respect for Mr. Woolsey than for any +single nobleman or gentleman mentioned in this true history. + +It will be seen from the names of Messrs. Canterfield and Podmore +that Morgiana was again in the midst of the widow Crump's favourite +theatrical society; and this, indeed, was the case. The widow's +little room was hung round with the pictures which were mentioned at +the commencement of the story as decorating the bar of the +"Bootjack;" and several times in a week she received her friends +from "The Wells," and entertained them with such humble refreshments +of tea and crumpets as her modest means permitted her to purchase. +Among these persons Morgiana lived and sang quite as contentedly as +she had ever done among the demireps of her husband's society; and, +only she did not dare to own it to herself, was a great deal happier +than she had been for many a day. Mrs. Captain Walker was still a +great lady amongst them. Even in his ruin, Walker, the director of +three companies, and the owner of the splendid pony-chaise, was to +these simple persons an awful character; and when mentioned they +talked with a great deal of gravity of his being in the country, and +hoped Mrs. Captain W. had good news of him. They all knew he was +in the Fleet; but had he not in prison fought a duel with a +viscount? Montmorency (of the Norfolk Circuit) was in the Fleet +too; and when Canterfield went to see poor Montey, the latter had +pointed out Walker to his friend, who actually hit Lord George +Tennison across the shoulders in play with a racket-bat; which event +was soon made known to the whole green-room. + +"They had me up one day," said Montmorency, "to sing a comic song, +and give my recitations; and we had champagne and lobster-salad: +SUCH nobs!" added the player. "Billingsgate and Vauxhall were there +too, and left college at eight o'clock." + +When Morgiana was told of the circumstance by her mother, she hoped +her dear Howard had enjoyed the evening, and was thankful that for +once he could forget his sorrows. Nor, somehow, was she ashamed of +herself for being happy afterwards, but gave way to her natural +good-humour without repentance or self-rebuke. I believe, indeed +(alas! why are we made acquainted with the same fact regarding +ourselves long after it is past and gone?)--I believe these were the +happiest days of Morgiana's whole life. She had no cares except the +pleasant one of attending on her husband, an easy smiling +temperament which made her regardless of to-morrow; and, add to +this, a delightful hope relative to a certain interesting event +which was about to occur, and which I shall not particularise +further than by saying, that she was cautioned against too much +singing by Mr. Squills, her medical attendant; and that widow Crump +was busy making up a vast number of little caps and diminutive +cambric shirts, such as delighted GRANDMOTHERS are in the habit of +fashioning. I hope this is as genteel a way of signifying the +circumstance which was about to take place in the Walker family as +Miss Prim herself could desire. Mrs. Walker's mother was about to +become a grandmother. There's a phrase! The Morning Post, which +says this story is vulgar, I'm sure cannot quarrel with that. I +don't believe the whole Court Guide would convey an intimation more +delicately. + +Well, Mrs. Crump's little grandchild was born, entirely to the +dissatisfaction, I must say, of his father; who, when the infant was +brought to him in the Fleet, had him abruptly covered up in his +cloak again, from which he had been removed by the jealous prison +doorkeepers: why, do you think? Walker had a quarrel with one of +them, and the wretch persisted in believing that the bundle Mrs. +Crump was bringing to her son-in-law was a bundle of disguised +brandy! + +"The brutes!" said the lady;" and the father's a brute, too," said +she. "He takes no more notice of me than if I was a kitchen-maid, +and of Woolsey than if he was a leg of mutton--the dear blessed +little cherub!" + +Mrs. Crump was a mother-in-law; let us pardon her hatred of her +daughter's husband. + +The Woolsey compared in the above sentence both to a leg of mutton +and a cherub, was not the eminent member of the firm of Linsey, +Woolsey, and Co. , but the little baby, who was christened Howard +Woolsey Walker, with the full consent of the father; who said the +tailor was a deuced good fellow, and felt really obliged to him for +the sherry, for a frock-coat which he let him have in prison, and +for his kindness to Morgiana. The tailor loved the little boy with +all his soul; he attended his mother to her churching, and the child +to the font; and, as a present to his little godson on his +christening, he sent two yards of the finest white kerseymere in his +shop, to make him a cloak. The Duke had had a pair of +inexpressibles off that very piece. + +House-furniture is bought and sold, music-lessons are given, +children are born and christened, ladies are confined and +churched--time, in other words, passes--and yet Captain Walker still +remains in prison! Does it not seem strange that he should still +languish there between palisaded walls near Fleet Market, and that +he should not be restored to that active and fashionable world of +which he was an ornament? The fact is, the Captain had been before +the court for the examination of his debts; and the Commissioner, +with a cruelty quite shameful towards a fallen man, had qualified +his ways of getting money in most severe language, and had sent him +back to prison again for the space of nine calendar months, an +indefinite period, and until his accounts could be made up. This +delay Walker bore like a philosopher, and, far from repining, was +still the gayest fellow of the tennis-court, and the soul of the +midnight carouse. + +There is no use in raking up old stories, and hunting through files +of dead newspapers, to know what were the specific acts which made +the Commissioner so angry with Captain Walker. Many a rogue has +come before the Court, and passed through it since then: and I +would lay a wager that Howard Walker was not a bit worse than his +neighbours. But as he was not a lord, and as he had no friends on +coming out of prison, and had settled no money on his wife, and had, +as it must be confessed, an exceedingly bad character, it is not +likely that the latter would be forgiven him when once more free in +the world. For instance, when Doublequits left the Fleet, he was +received with open arms by his family, and had two-and-thirty horses +in his stables before a week was over. Pam, of the Dragoons, came +out, and instantly got a place as government courier--a place found +so good of late years (and no wonder, it is better pay than that of +a colonel), that our noblemen and gentry eagerly press for it. +Frank Hurricane was sent out as registrar of Tobago, or Sago, or +Ticonderago; in fact, for a younger son of good family it is rather +advantageous to get into debt twenty or thirty thousand pounds: you +are sure of a good place afterwards in the colonies. Your friends +are so anxious to get rid of you, that they will move heaven and +earth to serve you. And so all the above companions of misfortune +with Walker were speedily made comfortable; but HE had no rich +parents; his old father was dead in York jail. How was he to start +in the world again? What friendly hand was there to fill his pocket +with gold, and his cup with sparkling champagne? He was, in fact, +an object of the greatest pity--for I know of no greater than a +gentleman of his habits without the means of gratifying them. He +must live well, and he has not the means. Is there a more pathetic +case? As for a mere low beggar--some labourless labourer, or some +weaver out of place--don't let us throw away our compassion upon +THEM. Psha! they're accustomed to starve. They CAN sleep upon +boards, or dine off a crust; whereas a gentleman would die in the +same situation. I think this was poor Morgiana's way of reasoning. +For Walker's cash in prison beginning presently to run low, and +knowing quite well that the dear fellow could not exist there +without the luxuries to which he had been accustomed, she borrowed +money from her mother, until the poor old lady was a sec. She even +confessed, with tears, to Woolsey, that she was in particular want +of twenty pounds, to pay a poor milliner, whose debt she could not +bear to put in her husband's schedule. And I need not say she +carried the money to her husband, who might have been greatly +benefited by it--only he had a bad run of luck at the cards; and how +the deuce can a man help THAT? + +Woolsey had repurchased for her one of the Cashmere shawls. She +left it behind her one day at the Fleet prison, and some rascal +stole it there; having the grace, however, to send Woolsey the +ticket, signifying the place where it had been pawned. Who could +the scoundrel have been? Woolsey swore a great oath, and fancied he +knew; but if it was Walker himself (as Woolsey fancied, and probably +as was the case) who made away with the shawl, being pressed thereto +by necessity, was it fair to call him a scoundrel for so doing, and +should we not rather laud the delicacy of his proceeding? He was +poor: who can command the cards? But he did not wish his wife +should know HOW poor: he could not bear that she should suppose him +arrived at the necessity of pawning a shawl. + +She who had such beautiful ringlets, of a sudden pleaded cold in the +head, and took to wearing caps. One summer evening, as she and the +baby and Mrs. Crump and Woolsey (let us say all four babies +together) were laughing and playing in Mrs. Crump's +drawing-room--playing the most absurd gambols, fat Mrs. Crump, for +instance, hiding behind the sofa, Woolsey chuck-chucking, +cock-a-doodle-dooing, and performing those indescribable freaks +which gentlemen with philoprogenitive organs will execute in the +company of children--in the midst of their play the baby gave a tug +at his mother's cap; off it came--her hair was cut close to her +head! + +Morgiana turned as red as sealing-wax, and trembled very much; Mrs. +Crump screamed, "My child, where is your hair?" and Woolsey, +bursting out with a most tremendous oath against Walker that would +send Miss Prim into convulsions, put his handkerchief to his face, +and actually wept. "The infernal bubble-ubble-ackguard!" said he, +roaring and clenching his fists. + +As he had passed the Bower of Bloom a few days before, he saw +Mossrose, who was combing out a jet-black ringlet, and held it up, +as if for Woolsey's examination, with a peculiar grin. The tailor +did not understand the joke, but he saw now what had happened. +Morgiana had sold her hair for five guineas; she would have sold her +arm had her husband bidden her. On looking in her drawers it was +found she had sold almost all her wearing apparel; the child's +clothes were all there, however. It was because her husband talked +of disposing of a gilt coral that the child had, that she had parted +with the locks which had formed her pride. + +"I'll give you twenty guineas for that hair, you infamous fat +coward," roared the little tailor to Eglantine that evening. "Give +it up, or I'll kill you-" + +"Mr. Mossrose! Mr. Mossrose!" shouted the perfumer. + +"Vell, vatsh de matter, vatsh de row, fight avay, my boys; two to +one on the tailor," said Mr. Mossrose, much enjoying the sport (for +Woolsey, striding through the shop without speaking to him, had +rushed into the studio, where he plumped upon Eglantine). + +"Tell him about that hair, sir." + +"That hair! Now keep yourself quiet, Mister Timble, and don't tink +for to bully ME. You mean Mrs. Valker's 'air? Vy, she sold it me." + +"And the more blackguard you for buying it! Will you take twenty +guineas for it?" + +"No," said Mossrose. + +"Twenty-five?" + +"Can't," said Mossrose. + +"Hang it! will you take forty? There!" + +"I vish I'd kep it," said the Hebrew gentleman, with unfeigned +regret. "Eglantine dressed it this very night." + +"For Countess Baldenstiern, the Swedish Hambassador's lady," says +Eglantine (his Hebrew partner was by no means a favourite with the +ladies, and only superintended the accounts of the concern). "It's +this very night at Devonshire 'Ouse, with four hostrich plumes, +lappets, and trimmings. And now, Mr. Woolsey, I'll trouble you to +apologise." + +Mr. Woolsey did not answer, but walked up to Mr. Eglantine, and +snapped his fingers so close under the perfumer's nose that the +latter started back and seized the bell-rope. Mossrose burst out +laughing, and the tailor walked majestically from the shop, with +both hands stuck between the lappets of his coat. + +"My dear," said he to Morgiana a short time afterwards, "you must +not encourage that husband of yours in his extravagance, and sell +the clothes off your poor back that he may feast and act the fine +gentleman in prison." + +"It is his health, poor dear soul!" interposed Mrs. Walker: "his +chest. Every farthing of the money goes to the doctors, poor +fellow!" + +"Well, now listen: I am a rich man" (it was a great fib, for +Woolsey's income, as a junior partner of the firm, was but a small +one); "I can very well afford to make him an allowance while he is +in the Fleet, and have written to him to say so. But if you ever +give him a penny, or sell a trinket belonging to you, upon my word +and honour I will withdraw the allowance, and, though it would go to +my heart, I'll never see you again. You wouldn't make me unhappy, +would you?" + +"I'd go on my knees to serve you, and Heaven bless you," said the +wife. + +"Well, then, you must give me this promise." And she did. "And +now," said he, "your mother, and Podmore, and I have been talking +over matters, and we've agreed that you may make a very good income +for yourself; though, to be sure, I wish it could have been managed +any other way; but needs must, you know. You're the finest singer +in the universe." + +"La!" said Morgiana, highly delighted. + +"_I_ never heard anything like you, though I'm no judge. Podmore +says he is sure you will do very well, and has no doubt you might +get very good engagements at concerts or on the stage; and as that +husband will never do any good, and you have a child to support, +sing you must." + +"Oh! how glad I should be to pay his debts and repay all he has done +for me," cried Mrs. Walker. "Think of his giving two hundred +guineas to Mr. Baroski to have me taught. Was not that kind of him? +Do you REALLY think I should succeed? + +"There's Miss Larkins has succeeded." + +"The little high-shouldered vulgar thing!" says Morgiana. "I'm sure +I ought to succeed if SHE did." + +"She sing against Morgiana?" said Mrs. Crump. "I'd like to see her, +indeed! She ain't fit to snuff a candle to her." + +"I dare say not," said the tailor, "though I don't understand the +thing myself: but if Morgiana can make a fortune, why shouldn't +she?" + +"Heaven knows we want it, Woolsey," cried Mrs. Crump. "And to see +her on the stage was always the wish of my heart:" and so it had +formerly been the wish of Morgiana; and now, with the hope of +helping her husband and child, the wish became a duty, and she fell +to practising once more from morning till night. + +One of the most generous of men and tailors who ever lived now +promised, if further instruction should be considered necessary +(though that he could hardly believe possible), that he would lend +Morgiana any sum required for the payment of lessons; and +accordingly she once more betook herself, under Podmore's advice, to +the singing school. Baroski's academy was, after the passages +between them, out of the question, and she placed herself under the +instruction of the excellent English composer Sir George Thrum, +whose large and awful wife, Lady Thrum, dragon of virtue and +propriety, kept watch over the master and the pupils, and was the +sternest guardian of female virtue on or off any stage. + +Morgiana came at a propitious moment. Baroski had launched Miss +Larkins under the name of Ligonier. The Ligonier was enjoying +considerable success, and was singing classical music to tolerable +audiences; whereas Miss Butts, Sir George's last pupil, had turned +out a complete failure, and the rival house was only able to make a +faint opposition to the new star with Miss M'Whirter, who, though an +old favourite, had lost her upper notes and her front teeth, and, +the fact was, drew no longer. + +Directly Sir George heard Mrs. Walker, he tapped Podmore, who +accompanied her, on the waistcoat, and said, "Poddy, thank you; +we'll cut the orange boy's throat with that voice." It was by the +familiar title of orange boy that the great Baroski was known among +his opponents. + +"We'll crush him, Podmore," said Lady Thrum, in her deep hollow +voice. "You may stop and dine." And Podmore stayed to dinner, and +ate cold mutton, and drank Marsala with the greatest reverence for +the great English composer. The very next day Lady Thrum hired a +pair of horses, and paid a visit to Mrs. Crump and her daughter at +"Sadler's Wells." + +All these things were kept profoundly secret from Walker, who +received very magnanimously the allowance of two guineas a week +which Woolsey made him, and with the aid of the few shillings his +wife could bring him, managed to exist as best he might. He did not +dislike gin when he could get no claret, and the former liquor, +under the name of "tape," used to be measured out pretty liberally +in what was formerly Her Majesty's prison of the Fleet. + +Morgiana pursued her studies under Thrum, and we shall hear in the +next chapter how it was she changed her name to RAVENSWING. + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + + +IN WHICH MORGIANA ADVANCES TOWARDS FAME AND HONOUR, AND IN WHICH +SEVERAL GREAT LITERARY CHARACTERS MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE. + +"We must begin, my dear madam," said Sir George Thrum, "by +unlearning all that Mr. Baroski (of whom I do not wish to speak with +the slightest disrespect) has taught you!" + +Morgiana knew that every professor says as much, and submitted to +undergo the study requisite for Sir George's system with perfect +good grace. Au fond, as I was given to understand, the methods of +the two artists were pretty similar; but as there was rivalry +between them, and continual desertion of scholars from one school to +another, it was fair for each to take all the credit he could get in +the success of any pupil. If a pupil failed, for instance, Thrum +would say Baroski had spoiled her irretrievably; while the German +would regret "Dat dat yong voman, who had a good organ, should have +trown away her dime wid dat old Drum." When one of these deserters +succeeded, "Yes, yes," would either professor cry, "I formed her; +she owes her fortune to me." Both of them thus, in future days, +claimed the education of the famous Ravenswing; and even Sir George +Thrum, though he wished to ecraser the Ligonier, pretended that her +present success was his work because once she had been brought by +her mother, Mrs. Larkins, to sing for Sir George's approval. + +When the two professors met it was with the most delighted +cordiality on the part of both. "Mein lieber Herr," Thrum would say +(with some malice), "your sonata in x flat is divine." "Chevalier," +Baroski would reply, "dat andante movement in w is worthy of +Beethoven. I gif you my sacred honour," and so forth. In fact, +they loved each other as gentlemen in their profession always do. + +The two famous professors conduct their academies on very opposite +principles. Baroski writes ballet music; Thrum, on the contrary, +says "he cannot but deplore the dangerous fascinations of the +dance," and writes more for Exeter Hall and Birmingham. While +Baroski drives a cab in the Park with a very suspicious Mademoiselle +Leocadie, or Amenaide, by his side, you may see Thrum walking to +evening church with his lady, and hymns are sung there of his own +composition. He belongs to the "Athenaeum Club," he goes to the +Levee once a year, he does everything that a respectable man should; +and if, by the means of this respectability, he manages to make his +little trade far more profitable than it otherwise would be, are we +to quarrel with him for it? + +Sir George, in fact, had every reason to be respectable. He had +been a choir-boy at Windsor, had played to the old King's +violoncello, had been intimate with him, and had received knighthood +at the hand of his revered sovereign. He had a snuff-box which His +Majesty gave him, and portraits of him and the young princes all +over the house. He had also a foreign order (no other, indeed, than +the Elephant and Castle of Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel), conferred upon +him by the Grand Duke when here with the allied sovereigns in 1814. +With this ribbon round his neck, on gala days, and in a white +waistcoat, the old gentleman looked splendid as he moved along in a +blue coat with the Windsor button, and neat black small-clothes, and +silk stockings. He lived in an old tall dingy house, furnished in +the reign of George III., his beloved master, and not much more +cheerful now than a family vault. They are awfully funereal, those +ornaments of the close of the last century--tall gloomy horse-hair +chairs, mouldy Turkey carpets with wretched druggets to guard them, +little cracked sticking-plaster miniatures of people in tours and +pigtails over high-shouldered mantelpieces, two dismal urns on each +side of a lanky sideboard, and in the midst a queer twisted +receptacle for worn-out knives with green handles. Under the +sideboard stands a cellaret that looks as if it held half a bottle +of currant wine, and a shivering plate-warmer that never could get +any comfort out of the wretched old cramped grate yonder. Don't you +know in such houses the grey gloom that hangs over the stairs, the +dull-coloured old carpet that winds its way up the same, growing +thinner, duller, and more threadbare as it mounts to the bedroom +floors? There is something awful in the bedroom of a respectable +old couple of sixty-five. Think of the old feathers, turbans, +bugles, petticoats, pomatum-pots, spencers, white satin shoes, false +fronts, the old flaccid boneless stays tied up in faded riband, the +dusky fans, the old forty-years-old baby linen, the letters of Sir +George when he was young, the doll of poor Maria who died in 1803, +Frederick's first corduroy breeches, and the newspaper which +contains the account of his distinguishing himself at the siege of +Seringapatam. All these lie somewhere, damp and squeezed down into +glum old presses and wardrobes. At that glass the wife has sat many +times these fifty years; in that old morocco bed her children were +born. Where are they now? Fred the brave captain, and Charles the +saucy colleger: there hangs a drawing of him done by Mr. Beechey, +and that sketch by Cosway was the very likeness of Louisa before-- + +"Mr. Fitz-Boodle! for Heaven's sake come down. What are you doing +in a lady's bedroom?" + +"The fact is, madam, I had no business there in life; but, having +had quite enough wine with Sir George, my thoughts had wandered +upstairs into the sanctuary of female excellence, where your +Ladyship nightly reposes. You do not sleep so well now as in old +days, though there is no patter of little steps to wake you +overhead." + +They call that room the nursery still, and the little wicket still +hangs at the upper stairs: it has been there for forty years--bon +Dieu! Can't you see the ghosts of little faces peering over it? I +wonder whether they get up in the night as the moonlight shines into +the blank vacant old room, and play there solemnly with little +ghostly horses, and the spirits of dolls, and tops that turn and +turn but don't hum. + +Once more, sir, come down to the lower storey--that is to the +Morgiana story--with which the above sentences have no more to do +than this morning's leading article in The Times; only it was at +this house of Sir George Thrum's that I met Morgiana. Sir George, +in old days, had instructed some of the female members of our +family, and I recollect cutting my fingers as a child with one of +those attenuated green-handled knives in the queer box yonder. + +In those days Sir George Thrum was the first great musical teacher +of London, and the royal patronage brought him a great number of +fashionable pupils, of whom Lady Fitz-Boodle was one. It was a long +long time ago: in fact, Sir George Thrum was old enough to remember +persons who had been present at Mr. Braham's first appearance, and +the old gentleman's days of triumph had been those of Billington and +Incledon, Catalani and Madame Storace. + +He was the author of several operas ("The Camel Driver," "Britons +Alarmed; or, the Siege of Bergen-op-Zoom," etc. etc.), and, of +course, of songs which had considerable success in their day, but +are forgotten now, and are as much faded and out of fashion as those +old carpets which we have described in the professor's house, and +which were, doubtless, very brilliant once. But such is the fate of +carpets, of flowers, of music, of men, and of the most admirable +novels--even this story will not be alive for many centuries. Well, +well, why struggle against Fate? + +But, though his heyday of fashion was gone, Sir George still held +his place among the musicians of the old school, conducted +occasionally at the Ancient Concerts and the Philharmonic, and his +glees are still favourites after public dinners, and are sung by +those old bacchanalians, in chestnut wigs, who attend for the +purpose of amusing the guests on such occasions of festivity. The +great old people at the gloomy old concerts before mentioned always +pay Sir George marked respect; and, indeed, from the old gentleman's +peculiar behaviour to his superiors, it is impossible they should +not be delighted with him, so he leads at almost every one of the +concerts in the old-fashioned houses in town. + +Becomingly obsequious to his superiors, he is with the rest of the +world properly majestic, and has obtained no small success by his +admirable and undeviating respectability. Respectability has been +his great card through life; ladies can trust their daughters at Sir +George Thrum's academy. "A good musician, madam," says he to the +mother of a new pupil, "should not only have a fine ear, a good +voice, and an indomitable industry, but, above all, a faultless +character--faultless, that is, as far as our poor nature will +permit. And you will remark that those young persons with whom your +lovely daughter, Miss Smith, will pursue her musical studies, are +all, in a moral point of view, as spotless as that charming young +lady. How should it be otherwise? I have been myself the father of +a family; I have been honoured with the intimacy of the wisest and +best of kings, my late sovereign George III., and I can proudly show +an example of decorum to my pupils in my Sophia. Mrs. Smith, I have +the honour of introducing to you my Lady Thrum." + +The old lady would rise at this, and make a gigantic curtsey, such a +one as had begun the minuet at Ranelagh fifty years ago; and, the +introduction ended, Mrs. Smith would retire, after having seen the +portraits of the princes, his late Majesty's snuff-box, and a piece +of music which he used to play, noted by himself--Mrs. Smith, I say, +would drive back to Baker Street, delighted to think that her +Frederica had secured so eligible and respectable a master. I +forgot to say that, during the interview between Mrs. Smith and Sir +George, the latter would be called out of his study by his black +servant, and my Lady Thrum would take that opportunity of mentioning +when he was knighted, and how he got his foreign order, and +deploring the sad condition of OTHER musical professors, and the +dreadful immorality which sometimes arose in consequence of their +laxness. Sir George was a good deal engaged to dinners in the +season, and if invited to dine with a nobleman, as he might possibly +be on the day when Mrs. Smith requested the honour of his company, +he would write back "that he should have had the sincerest happiness +in waiting upon Mrs. Smith in Baker Street, if, previously, my Lord +Tweedledale had not been so kind as to engage him." This letter, of +course, shown by Mrs. Smith to her friends, was received by them +with proper respect; and thus, in spite of age and new fashions, Sir +George still reigned pre-eminent for a mile round Cavendish Square. +By the young pupils of the academy he was called Sir Charles +Grandison; and, indeed, fully deserved this title on account of the +indomitable respectability of his whole actions. + +It was under this gentleman that Morgiana made her debut in public +life. I do not know what arrangements may have been made between +Sir George Thrum and his pupil regarding the profits which were to +accrue to the former from engagements procured by him for the +latter; but there was, no doubt, an understanding between them. For +Sir George, respectable as he was, had the reputation of being +extremely clever at a bargain; and Lady Thrum herself, in her great +high-tragedy way, could purchase a pair of soles or select a leg of +mutton with the best housekeeper in London. + +When, however, Morgiana had been for some six months under his +tuition, he began, for some reason or other, to be exceedingly +hospitable, and invited his friends to numerous entertainments: at +one of which, as I have said, I had the pleasure of meeting Mrs. +Walker. + +Although the worthy musician's dinners were not good, the old knight +had some excellent wine in his cellar, and his arrangement of his +party deserves to be commended. + +For instance, he meets me and Bob Fitz-Urse in Pall Mall, at whose +paternal house he was also a visitor. "My dear young gentlemen," +says he, "will you come and dine with a poor musical composer? I +have some Comet hock, and, what is more curious to you, perhaps, as +men of wit, one or two of the great literary characters of London +whom you would like to see--quite curiosities, my dear young +friends." And we agreed to go. + +To the literary men he says: "I have a little quiet party at home: +Lord Roundtowers, the Honourable Mr. Fitz-Urse of the Life Guards, +and a few more. Can you tear yourself away from the war of wits, +and take a quiet dinner with a few mere men about town?" + +The literary men instantly purchase new satin stocks and white +gloves, and are delighted to fancy themselves members of the world +of fashion. Instead of inviting twelve Royal Academicians, or a +dozen authors, or a dozen men of science to dinner, as his Grace the +Duke of ----- and the Right Honourable Sir Robert ----- are in the +habit of doing once a year, this plan of fusion is the one they +should adopt. Not invite all artists, as they would invite all +farmers to a rent dinner; but they should have a proper commingling +of artists and men of the world. There is one of the latter whose +name is George Savage Fitz-Boodle, who-- But let us return to Sir +George Thrum. + +Fitz-Urse and I arrive at the dismal old house, and are conducted up +the staircase by a black servant, who shouts out, "Missa +Fiss-Boodle--the HONOURABLE Missa Fiss-Urse!" It was evident that +Lady Thrum had instructed the swarthy groom of the chambers (for +there is nothing particularly honourable in my friend Fitz's face +that I know of, unless an abominable squint may be said to be so). +Lady Thrum, whose figure is something like that of the shot-tower +opposite Waterloo Bridge, makes a majestic inclination and a speech +to signify her pleasure at receiving under her roof two of the +children of Sir George's best pupils. A lady in black velvet is +seated by the old fireplace, with whom a stout gentleman in an +exceedingly light coat and ornamental waistcoat is talking very +busily. "The great star of the night," whispers our host. "Mrs. +Walker, gentlemen--the RAVENSWING! She is talking to the famous Mr. +Slang, of the ----- Theatre." + +"Is she a fine singer?" says Fitz-Urse. "She's a very fine woman." + +"My dear young friends, you shall hear to-night! I, who have heard +every fine voice in Europe, confidently pledge my respectability +that the Ravenswing is equal to them all. She has the graces, sir, +of a Venus with the mind of a Muse. She is a siren, sir, without +the dangerous qualities of one. She is hallowed, sir, by her +misfortunes as by her genius; and I am proud to think that my +instructions have been the means of developing the wondrous +qualities that were latent within her until now." + +"You don't say so!" says gobemouche Fitz-Urse. + +Having thus indoctrinated Mr. Fitz-Urse, Sir George takes another of +his guests, and proceeds to work upon him. "My dear Mr. Bludyer, +how do you do? Mr. Fitz-Boodle, Mr. Bludyer, the brilliant and +accomplished wit, whose sallies in the Tomahawk delight us every +Saturday. Nay, no blushes, my dear sir; you are very wicked, but +oh! SO pleasant. Well, Mr. Bludyer, I am glad to see you, sir, and +hope you will have a favourable opinion of our genius, sir. As I +was saying to Mr. Fitz-Boodle, she has the graces of a Venus with +the mind of a Muse. She is a siren, without the dangerous qualities +of one," etc. This little speech was made to half-a-dozen persons +in the course of the evening--persons, for the most part, connected +with the public journals or the theatrical world. There was Mr. +Squinny, the editor of the Flowers of Fashion; Mr. Desmond Mulligan, +the poet, and reporter for a morning paper; and other worthies of +their calling. For though Sir George is a respectable man, and as +high-minded and moral an old gentleman as ever wore knee-buckles, he +does not neglect the little arts of popularity, and can condescend +to receive very queer company if need be. + +For instance, at the dinner-party at which I had the honour of +assisting, and at which, on the right hand of Lady Thrum, sat the +oblige nobleman, whom the Thrums were a great deal too wise to omit +(the sight of a lord does good to us commoners, or why else should +we be so anxious to have one?). In the second place of honour, and +on her ladyship's left hand, sat Mr. Slang, the manager of one of +the theatres; a gentleman whom my Lady Thrum would scarcely, but for +a great necessity's sake, have been induced to invite to her table. +He had the honour of leading Mrs. Walker to dinner, who looked +splendid in black velvet and turban, full of health and smiles. + +Lord Roundtowers is an old gentleman who has been at the theatres +five times a week for these fifty years, a living dictionary of the +stage, recollecting every actor and actress who has appeared upon it +for half a century. He perfectly well remembered Miss Delancy in +Morgiana; he knew what had become of Ali Baba, and how Cassim had +left the stage, and was now the keeper of a public-house. All this +store of knowledge he kept quietly to himself, or only delivered in +confidence to his next neighbour in the intervals of the banquet, +which he enjoys prodigiously. He lives at an hotel: if not invited +to dine, eats a mutton-chop very humbly at his club, and finishes +his evening after the play at Crockford's, whither he goes not for +the sake of the play, but of the supper there. He is described in +the Court Guide as of "Simmer's Hotel," and of Roundtowers, county +Cork. It is said that the round towers really exist. But he has +not been in Ireland since the rebellion; and his property is so +hampered with ancestral mortgages, and rent-charges, and annuities, +that his income is barely sufficient to provide the modest +mutton-chop before alluded to. He has, any time these fifty years, +lived in the wickedest company in London, and is, withal, as +harmless, mild, good-natured, innocent an old gentleman as can +readily be seen. + +"Roundy," shouts the elegant Mr. Slang, across the table, with a +voice which makes Lady Thrum shudder, "Tuff, a glass of wine." + +My Lord replies meekly, "Mr. Slang, I shall have very much pleasure. +What shall it be?" + +"There is Madeira near you, my Lord," says my Lady, pointing to a +tall thin decanter of the fashion of the year. + +"Madeira! Marsala, by Jove, your Ladyship means!" shouts Mr. Slang. +"No, no, old birds are not caught with chaff. Thrum, old boy, let's +have some of your Comet hock." + +"My Lady Thrum, I believe that IS Marsala," says the knight, +blushing a little, in reply to a question from his Sophia. "Ajax, +the hock to Mr. Slang." + +"I'm in that," yells Bludyer from the end of the table. "My Lord, +I'll join you." + +"Mr. -----, I beg your pardon--I shall be very happy to take wine +with you, sir." + +"It is Mr. Bludyer, the celebrated newspaper writer," whispers Lady +Thrum. + +"Bludyer, Bludyer? A very clever man, I dare say. He has a very +loud voice, and reminds me of Brett. Does your Ladyship remember +Brett, who played the 'Fathers' at the Haymarket in 1802?" + +"What an old stupid Roundtowers is!" says Slang, archly, nudging +Mrs. Walker in the side. "How's Walker, eh?" + +My husband is in the country," replied Mrs. Walker, hesitatingly. + +"Gammon! _I_ know where he is! Law bless you!--don't blush. I've +been there myself a dozen times. We were talking about quod, Lady +Thrum. Were you ever in college?" + +"I was at the Commemoration at Oxford in 1814, when the sovereigns +were there, and at Cambridge when Sir George received his degree of +Doctor of Music." + +"Laud, Laud, THAT'S not the college WE mean." + +"There is also the college in Gower Street, where my grandson--" + +"This is the college in QUEER STREET, ma'am, haw, haw! Mulligan, +you divvle (in an Irish accent), a glass of wine with you. Wine, +here, you waiter! What's your name, you black nigger? 'Possum up a +gum-tree, eh? Fill him up. Dere he go " (imitating the Mandingo +manner of speaking English) + +In this agreeable way would Mr. Slang rattle on, speedily making +himself the centre of the conversation, and addressing graceful +familiarities to all the gentlemen and ladies round him. + +It was good to see how the little knight, the most moral and calm of +men, was compelled to receive Mr. Slang's stories and the frightened +air with which, at the conclusion of one of them, he would venture +upon a commendatory grin. His lady, on her part too, had been +laboriously civil; and, on the occasion on which I had the honour of +meeting this gentleman and Mrs. Walker, it was the latter who gave +the signal for withdrawing to the lady of the house, by saying, "I +think, Lady Thrum, it is quite time for us to retire." Some +exquisite joke of Mr. Slang's was the cause of this abrupt +disappearance. But, as they went upstairs to the drawing-room, Lady +Thrum took occasion to say, "My dear, in the course of your +profession you will have to submit to many such familiarities on the +part of persons of low breeding, such as I fear Mr. Slang is. But +let me caution you against giving way to your temper as you did. +Did you not perceive that _I_ never allowed him to see my inward +dissatisfaction? And I make it a particular point that you should +be very civil to him to-night. Your interests--our interests depend +upon it." + +"And are my interests to make me civil to a wretch like that?" + +"Mrs. Walker, would you wish to give lessons in morality and +behaviour to Lady Thrum?" said the old lady, drawing herself up with +great dignity. It was evident that she had a very strong desire +indeed to conciliate Mr. Slang; and hence I have no doubt that Sir +George was to have a considerable share of Morgiana's earnings. + +Mr. Bludyer, the famous editor of the Tomahawk, whose jokes Sir +George pretended to admire so much (Sir George who never made a joke +in his life), was a press bravo of considerable talent and no +principle, and who, to use his own words, would "back himself for a +slashing article against any man in England!" He would not only +write, but fight on a pinch; was a good scholar, and as savage in +his manner as with his pen. Mr. Squinny is of exactly the opposite +school, as delicate as milk-and-water, harmless in his habits, fond +of the flute when the state of his chest will allow him, a great +practiser of waltzing and dancing in general, and in his journal +mildly malicious. He never goes beyond the bounds of politeness, +but manages to insinuate a great deal that is disagreeable to an +author in the course of twenty lines of criticism. Personally he is +quite respectable, and lives with two maiden aunts at Brompton. +Nobody, on the contrary, knows where Mr. Bludyer lives. He has +houses of call, mysterious taverns, where he may be found at +particular hours by those who need him, and where panting publishers +are in the habit of hunting him up. For a bottle of wine and a +guinea he will write a page of praise or abuse of any man living, or +on any subject, or on any line of politics. "Hang it, sir!" says +he, "pay me enough and I will write down my own father!" According +to the state of his credit, he is dressed either almost in rags or +else in the extremest flush of the fashion. With the latter attire +he puts on a haughty and aristocratic air, and would slap a duke on +the shoulder. If there is one thing more dangerous than to refuse +to lend him a sum of money when he asks for it, it is to lend it to +him; for he never pays, and never pardons a man to whom he owes. +"Walker refused to cash a bill for me," he had been heard to say, +"and I'll do for his wife when she comes out on the stage!" Mrs. +Walker and Sir George Thrum were in an agony about the Tomahawk; +hence the latter's invitation to Mr. Bludyer. Sir George was in a +great tremor about the Flowers of Fashion, hence his invitation to +Mr. Squinny. Mr. Squinny was introduced to Lord Roundtowers and Mr. +Fitz-Urse as one of the most delightful and talented of our young +men of genius; and Fitz, who believes everything anyone tells him, +was quite pleased to have the honour of sitting near the live editor +of a paper. I have reason to think that Mr. Squinny himself was no +less delighted: I saw him giving his card to Fitz-Urse at the end +of the second course. + +No particular attention was paid to Mr. Desmond Mulligan. Political +enthusiasm is his forte. He lives and writes in a rapture. He is, +of course, a member of an inn of court, and greatly addicted to +after-dinner speaking as a preparation for the bar, where as a young +man of genius he hopes one day to shine. He is almost the only man +to whom Bludyer is civil; for, if the latter will fight doggedly +when there is a necessity for so doing, the former fights like an +Irishman, and has a pleasure in it. He has been "on the ground" I +don't know how many times, and quitted his country on account of a +quarrel with Government regarding certain articles published by him +in the Phoenix newspaper. With the third bottle, he becomes +overpoweringly great on the wrongs of Ireland, and at that period +generally volunteers a couple or more of Irish melodies, selecting +the most melancholy in the collection. At five in the afternoon, +you are sure to see him about the House of Commons, and he knows the +"Reform Club" (he calls it the Refawrum) as well as if he were a +member. It is curious for the contemplative mind to mark those +mysterious hangers-on of Irish members of Parliament--strange +runners and aides-de-camp which all the honourable gentlemen appear +to possess. Desmond, in his political capacity, is one of these, +and besides his calling as reporter to a newspaper, is "our +well-informed correspondent" of that famous Munster paper, the Green +Flag of Skibbereen. + +With Mr. Mulligan's qualities and history I only became subsequently +acquainted. On the present evening he made but a brief stay at the +dinner-table, being compelled by his professional duties to attend +the House of Commons. + +The above formed the party with whom I had the honour to dine. What +other repasts Sir George Thrum may have given, what assemblies of +men of mere science he may have invited to give their opinion +regarding his prodigy, what other editors of papers he may have +pacified or rendered favourable, who knows? On the present +occasion, we did not quit the dinner-table until Mr. Slang the +manager was considerably excited by wine, and music had been heard +for some time in the drawing-room overhead during our absence. An +addition had been made to the Thrum party by the arrival of several +persons to spend the evening,--a man to play on the violin between +the singing, a youth to play on the piano, Miss Horsman to sing with +Mrs. Walker, and other scientific characters. In a corner sat a +red-faced old lady, of whom the mistress of the mansion took little +notice; and a gentleman with a royal button, who blushed and looked +exceedingly modest. + +"Hang me!" says Mr. Bludyer, who had perfectly good reasons for +recognising Mr Woolsey, and who on this day chose to assume his +aristocratic air; "there's a tailor in the room! What do they mean +by asking ME to meet tradesmen?" + +"Delancy, my dear," cries Slang, entering the room with a reel, +"how's your precious health? Give us your hand! When ARE we to be +married? Make room for me on the sofa, that's a duck!" + +"Get along, Slang," says Mrs. Crump, addressed by the manager by her +maiden name (artists generally drop the title of honour which people +adopt in the world, and call each other by their simple +surnames)--"get along, Slang, or I'll tell Mrs. S.!" The +enterprising manager replies by sportively striking Mrs. Crump on +the side a blow which causes a great giggle from the lady insulted, +and a most good-humoured threat to box Slang's ears. I fear very +much that Morgiana's mother thought Mr. Slang an exceedingly +gentlemanlike and agreeable person; besides, she was eager to have +his good opinion of Mrs. Walker's singing. + +The manager stretched himself out with much gracefulness on the +sofa, supporting two little dumpy legs encased in varnished boots on +a chair. + +"Ajax, some tea to Mr. Slang," said my Lady, looking towards that +gentleman with a countenance expressive of some alarm, I thought. + +"That's right, Ajax, my black prince!" exclaimed Slang when the +negro brought the required refreshment; "and now I suppose you'll be +wanted in the orchestra yonder. Don't Ajax play the cymbals, Sir +George?" + +"Ha, ha, ha! very good--capital!" answered the knight, exceedingly +frightened; "but ours is not a MILITARY band. Miss Horsman, Mr. +Craw, my dear Mrs. Ravenswing, shall we begin the trio? Silence, +gentlemen, if you please; it is a little piece from my opera of the +'Brigand's Bride.' Miss Horsman takes the Page's part, Mr. Craw is +Stiletto the Brigand, my accomplished pupil is the Bride;" and the +music began. + + "THE BRIDE. + + "My heart with joy is beating, + My eyes with tears are dim; + + "THE PAGE. + + "Her heart with joy is beating + Her eyes are fixed on him; + + "THE BRIGAND. + + "My heart with rage is beating, + In blood my eye-balls swim!" + +What may have been the merits of the music or the singing, I, of +course, cannot guess. Lady Thrum sat opposite the tea-cups, nodding +her head and beating time very gravely. Lord Roundtowers, by her +side, nodded his head too, for awhile, and then fell asleep. I +should have done the same but for the manager, whose actions were +worth of remark. He sang with all the three singers, and a great +deal louder than any of them; he shouted bravo! or hissed as he +thought proper; he criticised all the points of Mrs. Walker's +person. "She'll do, Crump, she'll do--a splendid arm--you'll see +her eyes in the shilling gallery! What sort of a foot has she? +She's five feet three, if she's an inch! Bravo--slap up--capital- +-hurrah!" And he concluded by saying, with the aid of the +Ravenswing, he would put Ligonier's nose out of Joint! + +The enthusiasm of Mr. Slang almost reconciled Lady Thrum to the +abruptness of his manners, and even caused Sir George to forget that +his chorus had been interrupted by the obstreperous familiarity of +the manager. + +"And what do YOU think, Mr. Bludyer," said the tailor, delighted +that his protegee should be thus winning all hearts: "isn't Mrs. +Walker a tip-top singer, eh, sir?" + +"I think she's a very bad one, Mr. Woolsey," said the illustrious +author, wishing to abbreviate all communications with a tailor to +whom he owed forty pounds. + +"Then, sir," says Mr. Woolsey, fiercely, "I'll--I'll thank you to +pay me my little bill!" + +It is true there was no connection between Mrs. Walker's singing and +Woolsey's little bill; that the "THEN, sir," was perfectly illogical +on Woolsey's part; but it was a very happy hit for the future +fortunes of Mrs. Walker. Who knows what would have come of her +debut but for that "Then, sir," and whether a "smashing article" +from the Tomahawk might not have ruined her for ever? + +"Are you a relation of Mrs. Walker's?" said Mr. Bludyer, in reply to +the angry tailor. + +"What's that to you, whether I am or not?" replied Woolsey, +fiercely. "But I'm the friend of Mrs. Walker, sir; proud am I to +say so, sir; and, as the poet says, sir, 'a little learning's a +dangerous thing,' sir; and I think a man who don't pay his bills may +keep his tongue quiet at least, sir, and not abuse a lady, sir, whom +everybody else praises, sir. You shan't humbug ME any more, sir; +you shall hear from my attorney to-morrow, so mark that!" + +"Hush, my dear Mr. Woolsey," cried the literary man, "don't make a +noise; come into this window: is Mrs. Walker REALLY a friend of +yours?" + +"I've told you so, sir." + +"Well, in that case, I shall do my utmost to serve her and, look +you, Woolsey, any article you choose to send about her to the +Tomahawk I promise you I'll put in." + +"WILL you, though? then we'll say nothing about the little bill." + +"You may do on that point," answered Bludyer, haughtily, "exactly as +you please. I am not to be frightened from my duty, mind that; and +mind, too, that I can write a slashing article better than any man +in England: I could crush her by ten lines." + +The tables were now turned, and it was Woolsey's turn to be alarmed. + +"Pooh! pooh! I WAS angry," said he, "because you abuse Mrs. Walker, +who's an angel on earth; but I'm very willing to apologise. I +say--come--let me take your measure for some new clothes, eh! Mr. +B.?" + +"I'll come to your shop," answered the literary man, quite appeased. +"Silence! they're beginning another song." + +The songs, which I don't attempt to describe (and, upon my word and +honour, as far as I can understand matters, I believe to this day +that Mrs. Walker was only an ordinary singer)--the songs lasted a +great deal longer than I liked; but I was nailed, as it were, to the +spot, having agreed to sup at Knightsbridge barracks with Fitz-Urse, +whose carriage was ordered at eleven o'clock. + +"My dear Mr. Fitz-Boodle," said our old host to me, "you can do me +the greatest service in the world." + +"Speak, sir!" said I. + +"Will you ask your honourable and gallant friend, the Captain, to +drive home Mr. Squinny to Brompton?" + +"Can't Mr. Squinny get a cab?" + +Sir George looked particularly arch. "Generalship, my dear young +friend--a little harmless generalship. Mr. Squinny will not give +much for MY opinion of my pupil, but he will value very highly the +opinion of the Honourable Mr. FitzUrse." + +For a moral man, was not the little knight a clever fellow? He had +bought Mr. Squinny for a dinner worth ten shillings, and for a ride +in a carriage with a lord's son. Squinny was carried to Brompton, +and set down at his aunts' door, delighted with his new friends, and +exceedingly sick with a cigar they had made him smoke. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + + +IN WHICH MR. WALKER SHOWS GREAT PRUDENCE AND FORBEARANCE. + +The describing of all these persons does not advance Morgiana's +story much. But, perhaps, some country readers are not acquainted +with the class of persons by whose printed opinions they are guided, +and are simple enough to imagine that mere merit will make a +reputation on the stage or elsewhere. The making of a theatrical +success is a much more complicated and curious thing than such +persons fancy it to be. Immense are the pains taken to get a good +word from Mr. This of the Star, or Mr. That of the Courier, to +propitiate the favour of the critic of the day, and get the editors +of the metropolis into a good humour,--above all, to have the name +of the person to be puffed perpetually before the public. Artists +cannot be advertised like Macassar oil or blacking, and they want it +to the full as much; hence endless ingenuity must be practised in +order to keep the popular attention awake. Suppose a great actor +moves from London to Windsor, the Brentford Champion must state that +"Yesterday Mr. Blazes and suite passed rapidly through our city; the +celebrated comedian is engaged, we hear, at Windsor, to give some of +his inimitable readings of our great national bard to the MOST +ILLUSTRIOUS AUDIENCE in the realm." This piece of intelligence the +Hammersmith Observer will question the next week, as thus:--"A +contemporary, the Brentford Champion, says that Blazes is engaged to +give Shakspearian readings at Windsor to "the most illustrious +audience in the realm." We question this fact very much. We would, +indeed, that it were true; but the MOST ILLUSTRIOUS AUDIENCE in the +realm prefer FOREIGN melodies to THE NATIVE WOOD-NOTES WILD of the +sweet song-bird of Avon. Mr. Blazes is simply gone to Eton, where +his son, Master Massinger Blazes, is suffering, we regret to hear, +under a severe attack of the chicken-pox. This complaint (incident +to youth) has raged, we understand, with frightful virulence in Eton +School." + +And if, after the above paragraphs, some London paper chooses to +attack the folly of the provincial press, which talks of Mr. Blazes, +and chronicles his movements, as if he were a crowned head, what +harm is done? Blazes can write in his own name to the London +journal, and say that it is not HIS fault if provincial journals +choose to chronicle his movements, and that he was far from wishing +that the afflictions of those who are dear to him should form the +subject of public comment, and be held up to public ridicule. "We +had no intention of hurting the feelings of an estimable public +servant," writes the editor; "and our remarks on the chicken-pox +were general, not personal. We sincerely trust that Master +Massinger Blazes has recovered from that complaint, and that he may +pass through the measles, the whooping-cough, the fourth form, and +all other diseases to which youth is subject, with comfort to +himself, and credit to his parents and teachers." At his next +appearance on the stage after this controversy, a British public +calls for Blazes three times after the play; and somehow there is +sure to be someone with a laurel-wreath in a stage-box, who flings +that chaplet at the inspired artist's feet. + +I don't know how it was, but before the debut of Morgiana, the +English press began to heave and throb in a convulsive manner, as if +indicative of the near birth of some great thing. For instance, you +read in one paper,-- + +"Anecdote of Karl Maria Von Weber.--When the author of 'Oberon' was +in England, he was invited by a noble duke to dinner, and some of +the most celebrated of our artists were assembled to meet him. The +signal being given to descend to the salle-a-manger, the German +composer was invited by his noble host (a bachelor) to lead the way. +'Is it not the fashion in your country,' said he, simply, 'for the +man of the first eminence to take the first place? Here is one +whose genius entitles him to be first ANYWHERE.' And, so saying, he +pointed to our admirable English composer, Sir George Thrum. The +two musicians were friends to the last, and Sir George has still the +identical piece of rosin which the author of the 'Freischutz' gave +him."--The Moon (morning paper), June 2. + +"George III. a composer.--Sir George Thrum has in his possession the +score of an air, the words from 'Samson Agonistes,' an autograph of +the late revered monarch. We hear that that excellent composer has +in store for us not only an opera, but a pupil, with whose +transcendent merits the elite of our aristocracy are already +familiar."--Ibid., June 5. + +"Music with a Vengeance.--The march to the sound of which the 49th +and 75th regiments rushed up the breach of Badajoz was the +celebrated air from 'Britons Alarmed; or, The Siege of +Bergen-op-Zoom,' by our famous English composer, Sir George Thrum. +Marshal Davoust said that the French line never stood when that air +was performed to the charge of the bayonet. We hear the veteran +musician has an opera now about to appear, and have no doubt that +Old England will now, as then, show its superiority over ALL foreign +opponents."--Albion. + +"We have been accused of preferring the produit of the etranger to +the talent of our own native shores; but those who speak so, little +know us. We are fanatici per la musica wherever it be, and welcome +merit dans chaque pays du monde. What do we say? Le merite n'a +point de pays, as Napoleon said; and Sir George Thrum (Chevalier de +l'Ordre de l'Elephant et Chateau de Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel,) is a +maestro whose fame appartient a l'Europe. + +"We have just heard the lovely eleve, whose rare qualities the +Cavaliere has brought to perfection,--we have heard THE RAVENSWING +(pourquoi cacher un nom que demain un monde va saluer?), and a +creature more beautiful and gifted never bloomed before dans nos +climats. She sang the delicious duet of the 'Nabucodonosore,' with +Count Pizzicato, with a bellezza, a grandezza, a raggio, that +excited in the bosom of the audience a corresponding furore: her +scherzando was exquisite, though we confess we thought the +concluding fioritura in the passage in Y flat a leetle, a very +leetle sforzata. Surely the words, + + 'Giorno d'orrore, + Delire, dolore, + Nabucodonosore,' + +should be given andante, and not con strepito: but this is a faute +bien legere in the midst of such unrivalled excellence, and only +mentioned here that we may have SOMETHING to criticise. + +"We hear that the enterprising impresario of one of the royal +theatres has made an engagement with the Diva; and, if we have a +regret, it is that she should be compelled to sing in the +unfortunate language of our rude northern clime, which does not +preter itself near so well to the bocca of the cantatrice as do the +mellifluous accents of the Lingua Toscana, the langue par excellence +of song. + +"The Ravenswing's voice is a magnificent contra-basso of nine +octaves," etc.--Flowers of Fashion, June 10. + +"Old Thrum, the composer, is bringing out an opera and a pupil. The +opera is good, the pupil first-rate. The opera will do much more +than compete with the infernal twaddle and disgusting slip-slop of +Donizetti, and the milk-and-water fools who imitate him: it will +(and we ask the readers of the Tomahawk, were we EVER mistaken?) +surpass all these; it is GOOD, of downright English stuff. The airs +are fresh and pleasing, the choruses large and noble, the +instrumentation solid and rich, the music is carefully written. We +wish old Thrum and his opera well. + +"His pupil is a SURE CARD, a splendid woman, and a splendid singer. +She is so handsome that she might sing as much out of tune as Miss +Ligonier, and the public would forgive her; and sings so well, that +were she as ugly as the aforesaid Ligonier, the audience would +listen to her. The Ravenswing, that is her fantastical theatrical +name (her real name is the same with that of a notorious scoundrel +in the Fleet, who invented the Panama swindle, the Pontine Marshes' +swindle, the Soap swindle--HOW ARE YOU OFF FOR SOAP NOW, Mr. +W-lk-r?)--the Ravenswing, we say, will do. Slang has engaged her at +thirty guineas per week, and she appears next month in Thrum's +opera, of which the words are written by a great ass with some +talent--we mean Mr. Mulligan. + +"There is a foreign fool in the Flowers of Fashion who is doing his +best to disgust the public by his filthy flattery. It is enough to +make one sick. Why is the foreign beast not kicked out of the +paper?"--The Tomahawk, June 17. + +The first three "anecdotes" were supplied by Mulligan to his paper, +with many others which need not here be repeated: he kept them up +with amazing energy and variety. Anecdotes of Sir George Thrum met +you unexpectedly in queer corners of country papers: puffs of the +English school of music appeared perpetually in "Notices to +Correspondents" in the Sunday prints, some of which Mr. Slang +commanded, and in others over which the indefatigable Mulligan had a +control. This youth was the soul of the little conspiracy for +raising Morgiana into fame: and humble as he is, and great and +respectable as is Sir George Thrum, it is my belief that the +Ravenswing would never have been the Ravenswing she is but for the +ingenuity and energy of the honest Hibernian reporter. + +It is only the business of the great man who writes the leading +articles which appear in the large type of the daily papers to +compose those astonishing pieces of eloquence; the other parts of +the paper are left to the ingenuity of the sub-editor, whose duty it +is to select paragraphs, reject or receive horrid accidents, police +reports, etc.; with which, occupied as he is in the exercise of his +tremendous functions, the editor himself cannot be expected to +meddle. The fate of Europe is his province; the rise and fall of +empires, and the great questions of State demand the editor's +attention: the humble puff, the paragraph about the last murder, or +the state of the crops, or the sewers in Chancery Lane, is confided +to the care of the sub; and it is curious to see what a prodigious +number of Irishmen exist among the sub-editors of London. When the +Liberator enumerates the services of his countrymen, how the battle +of Fontenoy was won by the Irish Brigade, how the battle of Waterloo +would have been lost but for the Irish regiments, and enumerates +other acts for which we are indebted to Milesian heroism and +genius--he ought at least to mention the Irish brigade of the press, +and the amazing services they do to this country. + +The truth is, the Irish reporters and soldiers appear to do their +duty right well; and my friend Mr. Mulligan is one of the former. +Having the interests of his opera and the Ravenswing strongly at +heart, and being amongst his brethren an exceedingly popular fellow, +he managed matters so that never a day passed but some paragraph +appeared somewhere regarding the new singer, in whom, for their +countryman's sake, all his brothers and sub-editors felt an +interest. + +These puffs, destined to make known to all the world the merits of +the Ravenswing, of course had an effect upon a gentleman very +closely connected with that lady, the respectable prisoner in the +Fleet, Captain Walker. As long as he received his weekly two +guineas from Mr. Woolsey, and the occasional half-crowns which his +wife could spare in her almost daily visits to him, he had never +troubled himself to inquire what her pursuits were, and had allowed +her (though the worthy woman longed with all her might to betray +herself) to keep her secret. He was far from thinking, indeed, that +his wife would prove such a treasure to him. + +But when the voice of fame and the columns of the public journals +brought him each day some new story regarding the merits, genius, +and beauty of the Ravenswing; when rumours reached him that she was +the favourite pupil of Sir George Thrum; when she brought him five +guineas after singing at the "Philharmonic" (other five the good +soul had spent in purchasing some smart new cockades, hats, cloaks, +and laces, for her little son); when, finally, it was said that +Slang, the great manager, offered her an engagement at thirty +guineas per week, Mr. Walker became exceedingly interested in his +wife's proceedings, of which he demanded from her the fullest +explanation. + +Using his marital authority, he absolutely forbade Mrs. Walker's +appearance on the public stage; he wrote to Sir George Thrum a +letter expressive of his highest indignation that negotiations so +important should ever have been commenced without his authorisation; +and he wrote to his dear Slang (for these gentlemen were very +intimate, and in the course of his transactions as an agent Mr. W. +had had many dealings with Mr. S.) asking his dear Slang whether the +latter thought his friend Walker would be so green as to allow his +wife to appear on the stage, and he remain in prison with all his +debts on his head? + +And it was a curious thing now to behold how eager those very +creditors who but yesterday (and with perfect correctness) had +denounced Mr. Walker as a swindler; who had refused to come to any +composition with him, and had sworn never to release him; how they +on a sudden became quite eager to come to an arrangement with him, +and offered, nay, begged and prayed him to go free,--only giving +them his own and Mrs. Walker's acknowledgment of their debt, with a +promise that a part of the lady's salary should be devoted to the +payment of the claim. + +"The lady's salary!" said Mr. Walker, indignantly, to these +gentlemen and their attorneys. "Do you suppose I will allow Mrs. +Walker to go on the stage?--do you suppose I am such a fool as to +sign bills to the full amount of these claims against me, when in a +few months more I can walk out of prison without paying a shilling? +Gentlemen, you take Howard Walker for an idiot. I like the Fleet, +and rather than pay I'll stay here for these ten years." + +In other words, it was the Captain's determination to make some +advantageous bargain for himself with his creditors and the +gentlemen who were interested in bringing forward Mrs. Walker on the +stage. And who can say that in so determining he did not act with +laudable prudence and justice? + +"You do not, surely, consider, my very dear sir, that half the +amount of Mrs. Walker's salaries is too much for my immense trouble +and pains in teaching her?" cried Sir George Thrum (who, in reply to +Walker's note, thought it most prudent to wait personally on that +gentleman). "Remember that I am the first master in England; that I +have the best interest in England; that I can bring her out at the +Palace, and at every concert and musical festival in England; that I +am obliged to teach her every single note that she utters; and that +without me she could no more sing a song than her little baby could +walk without its nurse." + +"I believe about half what you say," said Mr. Walker. + +"My dear Captain Walker! would you question my integrity? Who was +it that made Mrs. Millington's fortune,--the celebrated Mrs. +Millington, who has now got a hundred thousand pounds? Who was it +that brought out the finest tenor in Europe, Poppleton? Ask the +musical world, ask those great artists themselves, and they will +tell you they owe their reputation, their fortune, to Sir George +Thrum." + +"It is very likely," replied the Captain, coolly. "You ARE a good +master, I dare say, Sir George; but I am not going to article Mrs. +Walker to you for three years, and sign her articles in the Fleet. +Mrs. Walker shan't sing till I'm a free man, that's flat: if I stay +here till you're dead she shan't." + +"Gracious powers, sir!" exclaimed Sir George, "do you expect me to +pay your debts?" + +"Yes, old boy," answered the Captain, "and to give me something +handsome in hand, too; and that's my ultimatum: and so I wish you +good morning, for I'm engaged to play a match at tennis below." + +This little interview exceedingly frightened the worthy knight, who +went home to his lady in a delirious state of alarm occasioned by +the audacity of Captain Walker. + +Mr. Slang's interview with him was scarcely more satisfactory. He +owed, he said, four thousand pounds. His creditors might be brought +to compound for five shillings in the pound. He would not consent +to allow his wife to make a single engagement until the creditors +were satisfied, and until he had a handsome sum in hand to begin the +world with. "Unless my wife comes out, you'll be in the Gazette +yourself, you know you will. So you may take her or leave her, as +you think fit." + +"Let her sing one night as a trial," said Mr. Slang. + +"If she sings one night, the creditors will want their money in +full," replied the Captain. "I shan't let her labour, poor thing, +for the profit of those scoundrels!" added the prisoner, with much +feeling. And Slang left him with a much greater respect for Walker +than he had ever before possessed. He was struck with the gallantry +of the man who could triumph over misfortunes, nay, make misfortune +itself an engine of good luck. + +Mrs. Walker was instructed instantly to have a severe sore throat. +The journals in Mr. Slang's interest deplored this illness +pathetically; while the papers in the interest of the opposition +theatre magnified it with great malice. "The new singer," said one, +"the great wonder which Slang promised us, is as hoarse as a RAVEN!" +"Doctor Thorax pronounces," wrote another paper, "that the quinsy, +which has suddenly prostrated Mrs. Ravenswing, whose singing at the +Philharmonic, previous to her appearance at the 'T.R-----,' excited +so much applause, has destroyed the lady's voice for ever. We +luckily need no other prima donna, when that place, as nightly +thousands acknowledge, is held by Miss Ligonier." The Looker-on +said, "That although some well-informed contemporaries had declared +Mrs. W. Ravenswing's complaint to be a quinsy, others, on whose +authority they could equally rely, had pronounced it to be a +consumption. At all events, she was in an exceedingly dangerous +state; from which, though we do not expect, we heartily trust she +may recover. Opinions differ as to the merits of this lady, some +saying that she was altogether inferior to Miss Ligonier, while +other connoisseurs declare the latter lady to be by no means so +accomplished a person. This point, we fear," continued the +Looker-on, "can never now be settled; unless, which we fear is +improbable, Mrs. Ravenswing should ever so far recover as to be able +to make her debut; and even then, the new singer will not have a +fair chance unless her voice and strength shall be fully restored. +This information, which we have from exclusive resources, may be +relied on," concluded the Looker-on, "as authentic." + +It was Mr. Walker himself, that artful and audacious Fleet prisoner, +who concocted those very paragraphs against his wife's health which +appeared in the journals of the Ligonier party. The partisans of +that lady were delighted, the creditors of Mr. Walker astounded, at +reading them. Even Sir George Thrum was taken in, and came to the +Fleet prison in considerable alarm. + +"Mum's the word, my good sir!" said Mr. Walker. "Now is the time to +make arrangements with the creditors." + +Well, these arrangements were finally made. It does not matter how +many shillings in the pound satisfied the rapacious creditors of +Morgiana's husband. But it is certain that her voice returned to +her all of a sudden upon the Captain's release. The papers of the +Mulligan faction again trumpeted her perfections; the agreement with +Mr. Slang was concluded; that with Sir George Thrum the great +composer satisfactorily arranged; and the new opera underlined in +immense capitals in the bills, and put in rehearsal with immense +expenditure on the part of the scene-painter and costumier. + +Need we tell with what triumphant success the "Brigand's Bride" was +received? All the Irish sub-editors the next morning took care to +have such an account of it as made Miss Ligonier and Baroski die +with envy. All the reporters who could spare time were in the boxes +to support their friend's work. All the journeymen tailors of the +establishment of Linsey, Woolsey, and Co. had pit tickets given to +them, and applauded with all their might. All Mr. Walker's friends +of the "Regent Club" lined the side-boxes with white kid gloves; and +in a little box by themselves sat Mrs. Crump and Mr. Woolsey, a +great deal too much agitated to applaud--so agitated, that Woolsey +even forgot to fling down the bouquet he had brought for the +Ravenswing. + +But there was no lack of those horticultural ornaments. The theatre +servants wheeled away a wheelbarrow-full (which were flung on the +stage the next night over again); and Morgiana, blushing, panting, +weeping, was led off by Mr. Poppleton, the eminent tenor, who had +crowned her with one of the most conspicuous of the chaplets. + +Here she flew to her husband, and flung her arms round his neck. He +was flirting behind the side-scenes with Mademoiselle Flicflac, who +had been dancing in the divertissement; and was probably the only +man in the theatre of those who witnessed the embrace that did not +care for it. Even Slang was affected, and said with perfect +sincerity that he wished he had been in Walker's place. The +manager's fortune was made, at least for the season. He +acknowledged so much to Walker, who took a week's salary for his +wife in advance that very night. + +There was, as usual, a grand supper in the green-room. The terrible +Mr. Bludyer appeared in a new coat of the well-known Woolsey cut, +and the little tailor himself and Mrs. Crump were not the least +happy of the party. But when the Ravenswing took Woolsey's hand, +and said she never would have been there but for him, Mr. Walker +looked very grave, and hinted to her that she must not, in her +position, encourage the attentions of persons in that rank of life. +"I shall pay," said he, proudly, "every farthing that is owing to +Mr. Woolsey, and shall employ him for the future. But you +understand, my love, that one cannot at one's own table receive +one's own tailor." + +Slang proposed Morgiana's health in a tremendous speech, which +elicited cheers, and laughter, and sobs, such as only managers have +the art of drawing from the theatrical gentlemen and ladies in their +employ. It was observed, especially among the chorus-singers at the +bottom of the table, that their emotion was intense. They had a +meeting the next day and voted a piece of plate to Adolphus Slang, +Esquire, for his eminent services in the cause of the drama. + +Walker returned thanks for his lady. That was, he said, the +proudest moment of his life. He was proud to think that he had +educated her for the stage, happy to think that his sufferings had +not been in vain, and that his exertions in her behalf were crowned +with full success. In her name and his own he thanked the company, +and sat down, and was once more particularly attentive to +Mademoiselle Flicflac. + +Then came an oration from Sir George Thrum, in reply to Slang's +toast to HIM. It was very much to the same effect as the speech by +Walker, the two gentlemen attributing to themselves individually the +merit of bringing out Mrs. Walker. He concluded by stating that he +should always hold Mrs. Walker as the daughter of his heart, and to +the last moment of his life should love and cherish her. It is +certain that Sir George was exceedingly elated that night, and would +have been scolded by his lady on his return home, but for the +triumph of the evening. + +Mulligan's speech of thanks, as author of the "Brigand's Bride," +was, it must be confessed, extremely tedious. It seemed there would +be no end to it; when he got upon the subject of Ireland especially, +which somehow was found to be intimately connected with the +interests of music and the theatre. Even the choristers pooh-poohed +this speech, coming though it did from the successful author, whose +songs of wine, love, and battle, they had been repeating that night. + +The "Brigand's Bride" ran for many nights. Its choruses were tuned +on the organs of the day. Morgiana's airs, "The Rose upon my +Balcony" and the "Lightning on the Cataract" (recitative and scena) +were on everybody's lips, and brought so many guineas to Sir George +Thrum that he was encouraged to have his portrait engraved, which +still may be seen in the music-shops. Not many persons, I believe, +bought proof impressions of the plate, price two guineas; whereas, +on the contrary, all the young clerks in banks, and all the FAST +young men of the universities, had pictures of the Ravenswing in +their apartments--as Biondetta (the brigand's bride), as Zelyma (in +the "Nuptials of Benares"), as Barbareska (in the "Mine of +Tobolsk"), and in all her famous characters. In the latter she +disguises herself as a Uhlan, in order to save her father, who is in +prison; and the Ravenswing looked so fascinating in this costume in +pantaloons and yellow boots, that Slang was for having her instantly +in Captain Macheath, whence arose their quarrel. + +She was replaced at Slang's theatre by Snooks, the rhinoceros-tamer, +with his breed of wild buffaloes. Their success was immense. Slang +gave a supper, at which all the company burst into tears; and +assembling in the green-room next day, they, as usual, voted a piece +of plate to Adolphus Slang, Esquire, for his eminent services to the +drama. + +In the Captain Macheath dispute Mr. Walker would have had his wife +yield; but on this point, and for once, she disobeyed her husband +and left the theatre. And when Walker cursed her (according to his +wont) for her abominable selfishness and disregard of his property, +she burst into tears and said she had spent but twenty guineas on +herself and baby during the year, that her theatrical dressmaker's +bills were yet unpaid, and that she had never asked him how much he +spent on that odious French figurante. + +All this was true, except about the French figurante. Walker, as +the lord and master, received all Morgiana's earnings, and spent +them as a gentleman should. He gave very neat dinners at a cottage +in Regent's Park (Mr. and Mrs. Walker lived at Green Street, +Grosvenor Square), he played a good deal at the "Regent;" but as to +the French figurante, it must be confessed, that Mrs. Walker was in +a sad error: THAT lady and the Captain had parted long ago; it was +Madame Dolores de Tras-os-Montes who inhabited the cottage in St. +John's Wood now. + +But if some little errors of this kind might be attributable to the +Captain, on the other hand, when his wife was in the provinces, he +was the most attentive of husbands; made all her bargains, and +received every shilling before he would permit her to sing a note. +Thus he prevented her from being cheated, as a person of her easy +temper doubtless would have been, by designing managers and needy +concert-givers. They always travelled with four horses; and Walker +was adored in every one of the principal hotels in England. The +waiters flew at his bell. The chambermaids were afraid he was a sad +naughty man, and thought his wife no such great beauty; the +landlords preferred him to any duke. HE never looked at their +bills, not he! In fact his income was at least four thousand a year +for some years of his life. + +Master Woolsey Walker was put to Doctor Wapshot's seminary, whence, +after many disputes on the Doctor's part as to getting his +half-year's accounts paid, and after much complaint of ill-treatment +on the little boy's side, he was withdrawn, and placed under the +care of the Reverend Mr. Swishtail, at Turnham Green; where all his +bills are paid by his godfather, now the head of the firm of Woolsey +and Co. + +As a gentleman, Mr. Walker still declines to see him; but he has +not, as far as I have heard, paid the sums of money which he +threatened to refund; and, as he is seldom at home the worthy tailor +can come to Green Street at his leisure. He and Mrs. Crump, and +Mrs. Walker often take the omnibus to Brentford, and a cake with +them to little Woolsey at school; to whom the tailor says he will +leave every shilling of his property. + +The Walkers have no other children; but when she takes her airing in +the Park she always turns away at the sight of a low phaeton, in +which sits a woman with rouged cheeks, and a great number of +overdressed children and a French bonne, whose name, I am given to +understand, is Madame Dolores de Tras-os-Montes. Madame de +Tras-os-Montes always puts a great gold glass to her eye as the +Ravenswing's carriage passes, and looks into it with a sneer. The +two coachmen used always to exchange queer winks at each other in +the ring, until Madame de Tras-os-Montes lately adopted a tremendous +chasseur, with huge whiskers and a green and gold livery; since +which time the formerly named gentlemen do not recognise each other. + +The Ravenswing's life is one of perpetual triumph on the stage; and, +as every one of the fashionable men about town have been in love +with her, you may fancy what a pretty character she has. Lady Thrum +would die sooner than speak to that unhappy young woman; and, in +fact, the Thrums have a new pupil, who is a siren without the +dangerous qualities of one, who has the person of Venus, and the +mind of a Muse, and who is coming out at one of the theatres +immediately. Baroski says, "De liddle Rafenschwing is just as font +of me as effer!" People are very shy about receiving her in +society; and when she goes to sing at a concert, Miss Prim starts up +and skurries off in a state of the greatest alarm, lest "that +person" should speak to her. + +Walker is voted a good, easy, rattling, gentlemanly fellow, and +nobody's enemy but his own. His wife, they say, is dreadfully +extravagant: and, indeed, since his marriage, and in spite of his +wife's large income, he has been in the Bench several times; but she +signs some bills and he comes out again, and is as gay and genial as +ever. All mercantile speculations he has wisely long since given +up; he likes to throw a main of an evening, as I have said, and to +take his couple of bottles at dinner. On Friday he attends at the +theatre for his wife's salary, and transacts no other business +during the week. He grows exceedingly stout, dyes his hair, and has +a bloated purple look about the nose and cheeks, very different from +that which first charmed the heart of Morgiana. + +By the way, Eglantine has been turned out of the Bower of Bloom, and +now keeps a shop at Tunbridge Wells. Going down thither last year +without a razor, I asked a fat seedy man lolling in a faded nankeen +jacket at the door of a tawdry little shop in the Pantiles, to shave +me. He said in reply, "Sir, I do not practise in that branch of the +profession!" and turned back into the little shop. It was Archibald +Eglantine. But in the wreck of his fortunes he still has his +captain's uniform, and his grand cross of the order of the Castle +and Falcon of Panama. + + * * * + +POSTSCRIPT. + + G. Fitz-Boodle, Esq., to O. Yorke, Esq. + + ZUM TRIERISCHEN HOP, COBLENZ: July 10, 1843. + +MY DEAR YORKE,--The story of the Ravenswing was written a long time +since, and I never could account for the bad taste of the publishers +of the metropolis who refused it an insertion in their various +magazines. This fact would never have been alluded to but for the +following circumstance:-- + +Only yesterday, as I was dining at this excellent hotel, I remarked +a bald-headed gentleman in a blue coat and brass buttons, who looked +like a colonel on half-pay, and by his side a lady and a little boy +of twelve, whom the gentleman was cramming with an amazing quantity +of cherries and cakes. A stout old dame in a wonderful cap and +ribands was seated by the lady's side, and it was easy to see they +were English, and I thought I had already made their acquaintance +elsewhere. + +The younger of the ladies at last made a bow with an accompanying +blush. + +"Surely," said I, "I have the honour of speaking to Mrs. +Ravenswing?" + +"Mrs. Woolsey, sir," said the gentleman; "my wife has long since +left the stage:" and at this the old lady in the wonderful cap trod +on my toes very severely, and nodded her head and all her ribands in +a most mysterious way. Presently the two ladies rose and left the +table, the elder declaring that she heard the baby crying. + +"Woolsey, my dear, go with your mamma," said Mr. Woolsey, patting +the boy on the head. The young gentleman obeyed the command, +carrying off a plate of macaroons with him. + +"Your son is a fine boy, sir," said I. + +"My step-son, sir," answered Mr. Woolsey; and added, in a louder +voice, "I knew you, Mr. Fitz-Boodle, at once, but did not mention +your name for fear of agitating my wife. She don't like to have the +memory of old times renewed, sir; her former husband, whom you know, +Captain Walker, made her very unhappy. He died in America, sir, of +this, I fear" (pointing to the bottle), "and Mrs. W. quitted the +stage a year before I quitted business. Are you going on to +Wiesbaden?" + +They went off in their carriage that evening, the boy on the box +making great efforts to blow out of the postilion's tasselled horn. + +I am glad that poor Morgiana is happy at last, and hasten to inform +you of the fact. I am going to visit the old haunts of my youth at +Pumpernickel. Adieu. + +Yours, + +G. F.-B. + + + +MR. AND MRS. FRANK BERRY. - CHAPTER I. + + + +THE FIGHT AT SLAUGHTER HOUSE. + +I am very fond of reading about battles, and have most of +Marlborough's and Wellington's at my fingers' ends; but the most +tremendous combat I ever saw, and one that interests me to think of +more than Malplaquet or Waterloo (which, by the way, has grown to be +a downright nuisance, so much do men talk of it after dinner, +prating most disgustingly about "the Prussians coming up," and what +not)--I say the most tremendous combat ever known was that between +Berry and Biggs the gown-boy, which commenced in a certain place +called Middle Briars, situated in the midst of the cloisters that +run along the side of the playground of Slaughter House School, near +Smithfield, London. It was there, madam, that your humble servant +had the honour of acquiring, after six years' labour, that immense +fund of classical knowledge which in after life has been so +exceedingly useful to him. + +The circumstances of the quarrel were these:--Biggs, the gown-boy (a +man who, in those days, I thought was at least seven feet high, and +was quite thunderstruck to find in after life that he measured no +more than five feet four), was what we called "second cock" of the +school; the first cock was a great big, good-humoured, lazy, +fair-haired fellow, Old Hawkins by name, who, because he was large +and good-humoured, hurt nobody. Biggs, on the contrary, was a sad +bully; he had half-a-dozen fags, and beat them all unmercifully. +Moreover, he had a little brother, a boarder in Potky's house, whom, +as a matter of course, he hated and maltreated worse than anyone +else. + +Well, one day, because young Biggs had not brought his brother his +hoops, or had not caught a ball at cricket, or for some other +equally good reason, Biggs the elder so belaboured the poor little +fellow, that Berry, who was sauntering by, and saw the dreadful +blows which the elder brother was dealing to the younger with his +hockey-stick, felt a compassion for the little fellow (perhaps he +had a jealousy against Biggs, and wanted to try a few rounds with +him, but that I can't vouch for); however, Berry passing by, stopped +and said, "Don't you think you have thrashed the boy enough, Biggs?" +He spoke this in a very civil tone, for he never would have thought +of interfering rudely with the sacred privilege that an upper boy at +a public school always has of beating a junior, especially when they +happen to be brothers. + +The reply of Biggs, as might be expected, was to hit young Biggs +with the hockey-stick twice as hard as before, until the little +wretch howled with pain. "I suppose it's no business of yours, +Berry," said Biggs, thumping away all the while, and laid on worse +and worse. + +Until Berry (and, indeed, little Biggs) could bear it no longer, and +the former, bouncing forward, wrenched the stick out of old Biggs's +hands, and sent it whirling out of the cloister window, to the great +wonder of a crowd of us small boys, who were looking on. Little +boys always like to see a little companion of their own soundly +beaten. + +"There!" said Berry, looking into Biggs's face, as much as to say, +"I've gone and done it;" and he added to the brother, "Scud away, +you little thief; I've saved you this time." + +"Stop, young Biggs!" roared out his brother after a pause; "or I'll +break every bone in your infernal scoundrelly skin!" + +Young Biggs looked at Berry, then at his brother, then came at his +brother's order, as if back to be beaten again; but lost heart, and +ran away as fast as his little legs could carry him. + +"I'll do for him another time," said Biggs. "Here, under-boy, take +my coat;" and we all began to gather round and formed a ring. + +"We had better wait till after school, Biggs," cried Berry, quite +cool, but looking a little pale. "There are only five minutes now, +and it will take you more than that to thrash me." + +Biggs upon this committed a great error; for he struck Berry +slightly across the face with the back of his hand, saying, "You are +in a funk." But this was a feeling which Frank Berry did not in the +least entertain; for, in reply to Biggs's back-hander, and as quick +as thought, and with all his might and main--pong! he delivered a +blow upon old Biggs's nose that made the claret spirt, and sent the +second cock down to the ground as if he had been shot. + +He was up again, however, in a minute, his face white and gashed +with blood, his eyes glaring, a ghastly spectacle; and Berry, +meanwhile, had taken his coat off, and by this time there were +gathered in the cloisters, on all the windows, and upon each other's +shoulders, one hundred and twenty young gentlemen at the very least, +for the news had gone out through the playground of "a fight between +Berry and Biggs." + +But Berry was quite right in his remark about the propriety of +deferring the business, for at this minute Mr. Chip, the second +master, came down the cloisters going into school, and grinned in +his queer way as he saw the state of Biggs's face. "Holloa, Mr. +Biggs," said he, "I suppose you have run against a finger-post." +That was the regular joke with us at school, and you may be sure we +all laughed heartily: as we always did when Mr. Chip made a joke, +or anything like a joke. "You had better go to the pump, sir, and +get yourself washed, and not let Doctor Buckle see you in that +condition." So saying, Mr. Chip disappeared to his duties in the +under-school, whither all we little boys followed him. + +It was Wednesday, a half-holiday, as everybody knows, and +boiled-beef day at Slaughter House. I was in the same +boarding-house with Berry, and we all looked to see whether he ate a +good dinner, just as one would examine a man who was going to be +hanged. I recollected, in after-life, in Germany, seeing a friend +who was going to fight a duel eat five larks for his breakfast, and +thought I had seldom witnessed greater courage. Berry ate +moderately of the boiled beef--BOILED CHILD we used to call it at +school, in our elegant jocular way; he knew a great deal better than +to load his stomach upon the eve of such a contest as was going to +take place. + +Dinner was very soon over, and Mr. Chip, who had been all the while +joking Berry, and pressing him to eat, called him up into his study, +to the great disappointment of us all, for we thought he was going +to prevent the fight; but no such thing. The Reverend Edward Chip +took Berry into his study, and poured him out two glasses of +port-wine, which he made him take with a biscuit, and patted him on +the back, and went off. I have no doubt he was longing, like all of +us, to see the battle; but etiquette, you know, forbade. + +When we went out into the green, Old Hawkins was there--the great +Hawkins, the cock of the school. I have never seen the man since, +but still think of him as of something awful, gigantic, mysterious: +he who could thrash everybody, who could beat all the masters; how +we longed for him to put in his hand and lick Buckle! He was a dull +boy, not very high in the school, and had all his exercises written +for him. Buckle knew this, but respected him; never called him up +to read Greek plays; passed over all his blunders, which were many; +let him go out of half-holidays into the town as he pleased: how +should any man dare to stop him--the great calm magnanimous silent +Strength! They say he licked a Life-Guardsman: I wonder whether it +was Shaw, who killed all those Frenchmen? No, it could not be Shaw, +for he was dead au champ d'honneur; but he WOULD have licked Shaw if +he had been alive. A bargeman I know he licked, at Jack Randall's +in Slaughter House Lane. Old Hawkins was too lazy to play at +cricket; he sauntered all day in the sunshine about the green, +accompanied by little Tippins, who was in the sixth form, laughed +and joked at Hawkins eternally, and was the person who wrote all his +exercises. + +Instead of going into town this afternoon, Hawkins remained at +Slaughter House, to see the great fight between the second and third +cocks. + +The different masters of the school kept boarding-houses (such as +Potky's, Chip's, Wickens's, Pinney's, and so on), and the +playground, or "green" as it was called, although the only thing +green about the place was the broken glass on the walls that +separate Slaughter House from Wilderness Row and Goswell +Street--(many a time have I seen Mr. Pickwick look out of his window +in that street, though we did not know him then)--the playground, or +green, was common to all. But if any stray boy from Potky's was +found, for instance, in, or entering into, Chip's house, the most +dreadful tortures were practised upon him: as I can answer in my +own case. + +Fancy, then, our astonishment at seeing a little three-foot wretch, +of the name of Wills, one of Hawkins's fags (they were both in +Potky's), walk undismayed amongst us lions at Chip's house, as the +"rich and rare" young lady did in Ireland. We were going to set +upon him and devour or otherwise maltreat him, when he cried out in +a little shrill impertinent voice, "TELL BERRY I WANT HIM!" + +We all roared with laughter. Berry was in the sixth form, and Wills +or any under-boy would as soon have thought of "wanting" him, as I +should of wanting the Duke of Wellington. + +Little Wills looked round in an imperious kind of way. "Well," says +he, stamping his foot, "do you hear? TELL BERRY THAT HAWKINS WANTS +HIM!" + +As for resisting the law of Hawkins, you might as soon think of +resisting immortal Jove. Berry and Tolmash, who was to be his +bottle-holder, made their appearance immediately, and walked out +into the green where Hawkins was waiting, and, with an irresistible +audacity that only belonged to himself, in the face of nature and +all the regulations of the place, was smoking a cigar. When Berry +and Tolmash found him, the three began slowly pacing up and down in +the sunshine, and we little boys watched them. + +Hawkins moved his arms and hands every now and then, and was +evidently laying down the law about boxing. We saw his fists +darting out every now and then with mysterious swiftness, hitting +one, two, quick as thought, as if in the face of an adversary; now +his left hand went up, as if guarding his own head, now his immense +right fist dreadfully flapped the air, as if punishing his imaginary +opponent's miserable ribs. The conversation lasted for some ten +minutes, about which time gown-boys' dinner was over, and we saw +these youths, in their black horned-button jackets and +knee-breeches, issuing from their door in the cloisters. There were +no hoops, no cricket-bats, as usual on a half-holiday. Who would +have thought of play in expectation of such tremendous sport as was +in store for us? + +Towering among the gown-boys, of whom he was the head and the +tyrant, leaning upon Bushby's arm, and followed at a little distance +by many curious pale awe-stricken boys, dressed in his black silk +stockings, which he always sported, and with a crimson bandanna tied +round his waist, came BIGGS. His nose was swollen with the blow +given before school, but his eyes flashed fire. He was laughing and +sneering with Bushby, and evidently intended to make minced meat of +Berry. + +The betting began pretty freely: the bets were against poor Berry. +Five to three were offered--in ginger-beer. I took six to four in +raspberry open tarts. The upper boys carried the thing farther +still: and I know for a fact, that Swang's book amounted to four +pound three (but he hedged a good deal), and Tittery lost seventeen +shillings in a single bet to Pitts, who took the odds. + +As Biggs and his party arrived, I heard Hawkins say to Berry, "For +heaven's sake, my boy, fib with your right, and MIND HIS LEFT HAND!" + +Middle Briars was voted to be too confined a space for the combat, +and it was agreed that it should take place behind the under-school +in the shade, whither we all went. Hawkins, with his immense silver +hunting-watch, kept the time; and water was brought from the pump +close to Notley's the pastrycook's, who did not admire fisticuffs at +all on half-holidays, for the fights kept the boys away from his +shop. Gutley was the only fellow in the school who remained +faithful to him, and he sat on the counter--the great gormandising +brute!--eating tarts the whole day. + +This famous fight, as every Slaughter House man knows, lasted for +two hours and twenty-nine minutes, by Hawkins's immense watch. All +this time the air resounded with cries of "Go it, Berry!" "Go it, +Biggs!" "Pitch into him!" "Give it him!" and so on. Shall I +describe the hundred and two rounds of the combat?--No!--It would +occupy too much space, and the taste for such descriptions has +passed away. {3} + +1st round. Both the combatants fresh, and in prime order. The +weight and inches somewhat on the gown-boy's side. Berry goes +gallantly in, and delivers a clinker on the gown-boy's jaw. Biggs +makes play with his left. Berry down. + + * * * + +4th round. Claret drawn in profusion from the gown-boy's grogshop. +(He went down, and had his front tooth knocked out, but the blow cut +Berry's knuckles a great deal.) + + * * * + +15th round. Chancery. Fibbing. Biggs makes dreadful work with his +left. Break away. Rally. Biggs down. Betting still six to four +on the gown-boy. + + * * * + +20th round. The men both dreadfully punished. Berry somewhat shy +of his adversary's left hand. + + * * * + +29th to 42nd round. The Chipsite all this while breaks away from +the gown-boy's left, and goes down on a knee. Six to four on the +gown-boy, until the fortieth round, when the bets became equal. + + * * * + +102nd and last round. For half-an-hour the men had stood up to each +other, but were almost too weary to strike. The gown-boy's face +hardly to be recognised, swollen and streaming with blood. The +Chipsite in a similar condition, and still more punished about his +side from his enemy's left hand. Berry gives a blow at his +adversary's face, and falls over him as he falls. + +The gown-boy can't come up to time. And thus ended the great fight +of Berry and Biggs. + +And what, pray, has this horrid description of a battle and parcel +of schoolboys to do with Men's Wives? + +What has it to do with Men's Wives?--A great deal more, madam, than +you think for. Only read Chapter II., and you shall hear. + + + +CHAPTER II. + + + +THE COMBAT AT VERSAILLES. + +I afterwards came to be Berry's fag, and, though beaten by him +daily, he allowed, of course, no one else to lay a hand upon me, and +I got no more thrashing than was good for me. Thus an intimacy grew +up between us, and after he left Slaughter House and went into the +dragoons, the honest fellow did not forget his old friend, but +actually made his appearance one day in the playground in moustaches +and a braided coat, and gave me a gold pencil-case and a couple of +sovereigns. I blushed when I took them, but take them I did; and I +think the thing I almost best recollect in my life, is the sight of +Berry getting behind an immense bay cab-horse, which was held by a +correct little groom, and was waiting near the school in Slaughter +House Square. He proposed, too, to have me to "Long's," where he +was lodging for the time; but this invitation was refused on my +behalf by Doctor Buckle, who said, and possibly with correctness, +that I should get little good by spending my holiday with such a +scapegrace. + +Once afterwards he came to see me at Christ Church, and we made a +show of writing to one another, and didn't, and always had a hearty +mutual goodwill; and though we did not quite burst into tears on +parting, were yet quite happy when occasion threw us together, and +so almost lost sight of each other. I heard lately that Berry was +married, and am rather ashamed to say, that I was not so curious as +even to ask the maiden name of his lady. + +Last summer I was at Paris, and had gone over to Versailles to meet +a party, one of which was a young lady to whom I was tenderly--But, +never mind. The day was rainy, and the party did not keep its +appointment; and after yawning through the interminable Palace +picture-galleries, and then making an attempt to smoke a cigar in +the Palace garden--for which crime I was nearly run through the body +by a rascally sentinel--I was driven, perforce, into the great bleak +lonely place before the Palace, with its roads branching off to all +the towns in the world, which Louis and Napoleon once intended to +conquer, and there enjoyed my favourite pursuit at leisure, and was +meditating whether I should go back to "Vefour's" for dinner, or +patronise my friend M. Duboux of the "Hotel des Reservoirs" who +gives not only a good dinner, but as dear a one as heart can desire. +I was, I say, meditating these things, when a carriage passed by. +It was a smart low calash, with a pair of bay horses and a postilion +in a drab jacket that twinkled with innumerable buttons, and I was +too much occupied in admiring the build of the machine, and the +extreme tightness of the fellow's inexpressibles, to look at the +personages within the carriage, when the gentleman roared out +"Fitz!" and the postilion pulled up, and the lady gave a shrill +scream, and a little black-muzzled spaniel began barking and yelling +with all his might, and a man with moustaches jumped out of the +vehicle, and began shaking me by the hand. + +"Drive home, John," said the gentleman: "I'll be with you, my love, +in an instant--it's an old friend. Fitz, let me present you to Mrs. +Berry." + +The lady made an exceedingly gentle inclination of her black-velvet +bonnet, and said, "Pray, my love, remember that it is just +dinner-time. However, never mind ME." And with another slight toss +and a nod to the postilion, that individual's white leather breeches +began to jump up and down again in the saddle, and the carriage +disappeared, leaving me shaking my old friend Berry by the hand. + +He had long quitted the army, but still wore his military beard, +which gave to his fair pink face a fierce and lion-like look. He +was extraordinarily glad to see me, as only men are glad who live in +a small town, or in dull company. There is no destroyer of +friendships like London, where a man has no time to think of his +neighbour, and has far too many friends to care for them. He told +me in a breath of his marriage, and how happy he was, and straight +insisted that I must come home to dinner, and see more of Angelica, +who had invited me herself--didn't I hear her? + +"Mrs. Berry asked YOU, Frank; but I certainly did not hear her ask +ME!" + +"She would not have mentioned the dinner but that she meant me to +ask you. I know she did," cried Frank Berry. "And, besides--hang +it--I'm master of the house. So come you shall. No ceremony, old +boy--one or two friends--snug family party--and we'll talk of old +times over a bottle of claret." + +There did not seem to me to be the slightest objection to this +arrangement, except that my boots were muddy, and my coat of the +morning sort. But as it was quite impossible to go to Paris and +back again in a quarter of an hour, and as a man may dine with +perfect comfort to himself in a frock-coat, it did not occur to me +to be particularly squeamish, or to decline an old friend's +invitation upon a pretext so trivial. + +Accordingly we walked to a small house in the Avenue de Paris, and +were admitted first into a small garden ornamented by a grotto, a +fountain, and several nymphs in plaster-of-Paris, then up a mouldy +old steep stair into a hall, where a statue of Cupid and another of +Venus welcomed us with their eternal simper; then through a salle-a- +manger where covers were laid for six; and finally to a little +saloon, where Fido the dog began to howl furiously according to his +wont. + +It was one of the old pavilions that had been built for a +pleasure-house in the gay days of Versailles, ornamented with +abundance of damp Cupids and cracked gilt cornices, and old mirrors +let into the walls, and gilded once, but now painted a dingy French +white. The long low windows looked into the court, where the +fountain played its ceaseless dribble, surrounded by numerous rank +creepers and weedy flowers, but in the midst of which the statues +stood with their bases quite moist and green. + +I hate fountains and statues in dark confined places: that +cheerless, endless plashing of water is the most inhospitable sound +ever heard. The stiff grin of those French statues, or ogling +Canova Graces, is by no means more happy, I think, than the smile of +a skeleton, and not so natural. Those little pavilions in which the +old roues sported were never meant to be seen by daylight, depend +on't. They were lighted up with a hundred wax-candles, and the +little fountain yonder was meant only to cool their claret. And so, +my first impression of Berry's place of abode was rather a dismal +one. However, I heard him in the salle-a-manger drawing the corks, +which went off with a CLOOP, and that consoled me. + +As for the furniture of the rooms appertaining to the Berrys, there +was a harp in a leather case, and a piano, and a flute-box, and a +huge tambour with a Saracen's nose just begun, and likewise on the +table a multiplicity of those little gilt books, half sentimental +and half religious, which the wants of the age and of our young +ladies have produced in such numbers of late. I quarrel with no +lady's taste in that way; but heigho! I had rather that Mrs. +Fitz-Boodle should read "Humphry Clinker!" + +Besides these works, there was a "Peerage," of course. What genteel +family was ever without one? + +I was making for the door to see Frank drawing the corks, and was +bounced at by the amiable little black-muzzled spaniel, who fastened +his teeth in my pantaloons, and received a polite kick in +consequence, which sent him howling to the other end of the room, +and the animal was just in the act of performing that feat of +agility, when the door opened and madame made her appearance. Frank +came behind her, peering over her shoulder with rather an anxious +look. + +Mrs. Berry is an exceedingly white and lean person. She has thick +eyebrows, which meet rather dangerously over her nose, which is +Grecian, and a small mouth with no lips--a sort of feeble pucker in +the face as it were. Under her eyebrows are a pair of enormous +eyes, which she is in the habit of turning constantly ceiling-wards. +Her hair is rather scarce, and worn in bandeaux, and she commonly +mounts a sprig of laurel, or a dark flower or two, which with the +sham tour--I believe that is the name of the knob of artificial hair +that many ladies sport--gives her a rigid and classical look. She +is dressed in black, and has invariably the neatest of silk +stockings and shoes: for forsooth her foot is a fine one, and she +always sits with it before her, looking at it, stamping it, and +admiring it a great deal. "Fido," she says to her spaniel, "you +have almost crushed my poor foot;" or, "Frank," to her husband, +"bring me a footstool:" or, "I suffer so from cold in the feet," and +so forth; but be the conversation what it will, she is always sure +to put HER FOOT into it. + +She invariably wears on her neck the miniature of her late father, +Sir George Catacomb, apothecary to George III.; and she thinks those +two men the greatest the world ever saw. She was born in Baker +Street, Portman Square, and that is saying almost enough of her. +She is as long, as genteel, and as dreary, as that deadly-lively +place, and sports, by way of ornament, her papa's hatchment, as it +were, as every tenth Baker Street house has taught her. + +What induced such a jolly fellow as Frank Berry to marry Miss +Angelica Catacomb no one can tell. He met her, he says, at a ball +at Hampton Court, where his regiment was quartered, and where, to +this day, lives "her aunt Lady Pash." She alludes perpetually in +conversation to that celebrated lady; and if you look in the +"Baronetage" to the pedigree of the Pash family, you may see +manuscript notes by Mrs. Frank Berry, relative to them and herself. +Thus, when you see in print that Sir John Pash married Angelica, +daughter of Graves Catacomb, Esquire, in a neat hand you find +written, AND SISTER OF THE LATE SIR GEORGE CATACOMB, OF BAKER +STREET, PORTMAN SQUARE: "A.B." follows of course. It is a wonder +how fond ladies are of writing in books, and signing their charming +initials! Mrs. Berry's before-mentioned little gilt books are +scored with pencil-marks, or occasionally at the margin with +a!--note of interjection, or the words "TOO TRUE, A.B." and so on. +Much may be learned with regard to lovely woman by a look at the +books she reads in; and I had gained no inconsiderable knowledge of +Mrs. Berry by the ten minutes spent in the drawing-room, while she +was at her toilet in the adjoining bedchamber. + +"You have often heard me talk of George Fitz," says Berry, with an +appealing look to madame. + +"Very often," answered his lady, in a tone which clearly meant "a +great deal too much." "Pray, sir," continued she, looking at my +boots with all her might, "are we to have your company at dinner?" + +"Of course you are, my dear; what else do you think he came for? +You would not have the man go back to Paris to get his evening coat, +would you?" + +"At least, my love, I hope you will go and put on YOURS, and change +those muddy boots. Lady Pash will be here in five minutes, and you +know Dobus is as punctual as clockwork." Then turning to me with a +sort of apology that was as consoling as a box on the ear, "We have +some friends at dinner, sir, who are rather particular persons; but +I am sure when they hear that you only came on a sudden invitation, +they will excuse your morning dress.--Bah! what a smell of smoke!" + +With this speech madame placed herself majestically on a sofa, put +out her foot, called Fido, and relapsed into an icy silence. Frank +had long since evacuated the premises, with a rueful look at his +wife, but never daring to cast a glance at me. I saw the whole +business at once: here was this lion of a fellow tamed down by a +she Van Amburgh, and fetching and carrying at her orders a great +deal more obediently than her little yowling black-muzzled darling +of a Fido. + +I am not, however, to be tamed so easily, and was determined in this +instance not to be in the least disconcerted, or to show the +smallest sign of ill-humour: so to renouer the conversation, I +began about Lady Pash. + +"I heard you mention the name of Pash, I think?" said I. "I know a +lady of that name, and a very ugly one it is too." + +"It is most probably not the same person," answered Mrs. Berry, with +a look which intimated that a fellow like me could never have had +the honour to know so exalted a person. + +"I mean old Lady Pash of Hampton Court. Fat woman--fair, ain't +she?--and wears an amethyst in her forehead, has one eye, a blond +wig, and dresses in light green?" + +"Lady Pash, sir, is MY AUNT," answered Mrs. Berry (not altogether +displeased, although she expected money from the old lady; but you +know we love to hear our friends abused when it can be safely done). + +"Oh, indeed! she was a daughter of old Catacomb's of Windsor, I +remember, the undertaker. They called her husband Callipash, and +her ladyship Pishpash. So you see, madam, that I know the whole +family!" + +"Mr. Fitz-Simons!" exclaimed Mrs. Berry, rising, "I am not +accustomed to hear nicknames applied to myself and my family; and +must beg you, when you honour us with your company, to spare our +feelings as much as possible. Mr. Catacomb had the confidence of +his SOVEREIGN, sir, and Sir John Pash was of Charles II.'s creation. +The one was my uncle, sir; the other my grandfather!" + +"My dear madam, I am extremely sorry, and most sincerely apologise +for my inadvertence. But you owe me an apology too: my name is not +Fitz-Simons, but Fitz-Boodle." + +"What! of Boodle Hall--my husband's old friend; of Charles I.'s +creation? My dear sir, I beg you a thousand pardons, and am +delighted to welcome a person of whom I have heard Frank say so +much. Frank!" (to Berry, who soon entered in very glossy boots and +a white waistcoat), "do you know, darling, I mistook Mr. Fitz-Boodle +for Mr. Fitz-Simons--that horrid Irish horse-dealing person; and I +never, never, never can pardon myself for being so rude to him." + +The big eyes here assumed an expression that was intended to kill me +outright with kindness: from being calm, still, reserved, Angelica +suddenly became gay, smiling, confidential, and folatre. She told +me she had heard I was a sad creature, and that she intended to +reform me, and that I must come and see Frank a great deal. + +Now, although Mr. Fitz-Simons, for whom I was mistaken, is as low a +fellow as ever came out of Dublin, and having been a captain in +somebody's army, is now a blackleg and horse-dealer by profession; +yet, if I had brought him home to Mrs. Fitz-Boodle to dinner, I +should have liked far better that that imaginary lady should have +received him with decent civility, and not insulted the stranger +within her husband's gates. And, although it was delightful to be +received so cordially when the mistake was discovered, yet I found +that ALL Berry's old acquaintances were by no means so warmly +welcomed; for another old school-chum presently made his appearance, +who was treated in a very different manner. + +This was no other than poor Jack Butts, who is a sort of small +artist and picture-dealer by profession, and was a dayboy at +Slaughter House when we were there, and very serviceable in bringing +in sausages, pots of pickles, and other articles of merchandise, +which we could not otherwise procure. The poor fellow has been +employed, seemingly, in the same office of fetcher and carrier ever +since; and occupied that post for Mrs. Berry. It was, "Mr. Butts, +have you finished that drawing for Lady Pash's album?" and Butts +produced it; and, "Did you match the silk for me at Delille's?" and +there was the silk, bought, no doubt, with the poor fellow's last +five francs; and, "Did you go to the furniture-man in the Rue St. +Jacques; and bring the canary-seed, and call about my shawl at that +odious dawdling Madame Fichet's; and have you brought the +guitar-strings?" + +Butts hadn't brought the guitar-strings; and thereupon Mrs. Berry's +countenance assumed the same terrible expression which I had +formerly remarked in it, and which made me tremble for Berry. + +"My dear Angelica," though said he with some spirit, "Jack Butts +isn't a baggage-waggon, nor a Jack-of-all-trades; you make him paint +pictures for your women's albums, and look after your upholsterer, +and your canary-bird, and your milliners, and turn rusty because he +forgets your last message." + +"I did not turn RUSTY, Frank, as you call it elegantly. I'm very +much obliged to Mr. Butts for performing my commissions--very much +obliged. And as for not paying for the pictures to which you so +kindly allude, Frank, _I_ should never have thought of offering +payment for so paltry a service; but I'm sure I shall be happy to +pay if Mr. Butts will send me in his bill." + +"By Jove, Angelica, this is too much!" bounced out Berry; but the +little matrimonial squabble was abruptly ended, by Berry's French +man flinging open the door and announcing MILADI PASH and Doctor +Dobus, which two personages made their appearance. + +The person of old Pash has been already parenthetically described. +But quite different from her dismal niece in temperament, she is as +jolly an old widow as ever wore weeds. She was attached somehow to +the Court, and has a multiplicity of stories about the princesses +and the old King, to which Mrs. Berry never fails to call your +attention in her grave, important way. Lady Pash has ridden many a +time to the Windsor hounds; she made her husband become a member of +the Four-in-hand Club, and has numberless stories about Sir Godfrey +Webster, Sir John Lade, and the old heroes of those times. She has +lent a rouleau to Dick Sheridan, and remembers Lord Byron when he +was a sulky slim young lad. She says Charles Fox was the +pleasantest fellow she ever met with, and has not the slightest +objection to inform you that one of the princes was very much in +love with her. Yet somehow she is only fifty-two years old, and I +have never been able to understand her calculation. One day or +other before her eye went out, and before those pearly teeth of hers +were stuck to her gums by gold, she must have been a pretty-looking +body enough. Yet, in spite of the latter inconvenience, she eats +and drinks too much every day, and tosses off a glass of maraschino +with a trembling pudgy hand, every finger of which twinkles with a +dozen, at least, of old rings. She has a story about every one of +those rings, and a stupid one too. But there is always something +pleasant, I think, in stupid family stories: they are good-hearted +people who tell them. + +As for Mrs. Muchit, nothing need be said of her; she is Pash's +companion; she has lived with Lady Pash since the peace. Nor does +my Lady take any more notice of her than of the dust of the earth. +She calls her "poor Muchit," and considers her a half-witted +creature. Mrs. Berry hates her cordially, and thinks she is a +designing toad-eater, who has formed a conspiracy to rob her of her +aunt's fortune. She never spoke a word to poor Muchit during the +whole of dinner, or offered to help her to anything on the table. + +In respect to Dobus, he is an old Peninsular man, as you are made to +know before you have been very long in his company; and, like most +army surgeons, is a great deal more military in his looks and +conversation, than the combatant part of the forces. He has adopted +the sham-Duke-of-Wellington air, which is by no means uncommon in +veterans; and, though one of the easiest and softest fellows in +existence, speaks slowly and briefly, and raps out an oath or two +occasionally, as it is said a certain great captain does. Besides +the above, we sat down to table with Captain Goff, late of the -- +Highlanders; the Reverend Lemuel Whey, who preaches at St. +Germains; little Cutler, and the Frenchman, who always WILL be at +English parties on the Continent, and who, after making some +frightful efforts to speak English, subsides and is heard no more. +Young married ladies and heads of families generally have him for +the purpose of waltzing, and in return he informs his friends of the +club or the cafe that he has made the conquest of a charmante +Anglaise. Listen to me, all family men who read this! and never LET +AN UNMARRIED FRENCHMAN INTO YOUR DOORS. This lecture alone is worth +the price of the book. It is not that they do any harm in one case +out of a thousand, Heaven forbid! but they mean harm. They look on +our Susannas with unholy dishonest eyes. Hearken to two of the +grinning rogues chattering together as they clink over the asphalte +of the Boulevard with lacquered boots, and plastered hair, and waxed +moustaches, and turned-down shirt-collars, and stays and goggling +eyes, and hear how they talk of a good simple giddy vain dull Baker +Street creature, and canvass her points, and show her letters, and +insinuate--never mind, but I tell you my soul grows angry when I +think of the same; and I can't hear of an Englishwoman marrying a +Frenchman without feeling a sort of shame and pity for her. {4} + +To return to the guests. The Reverend Lemuel Whey is a tea-party +man, with a curl on his forehead and a scented pocket-handkerchief. +He ties his white neckcloth to a wonder, and I believe sleeps in it. +He brings his flute with him; and prefers Handel, of course; but has +one or two pet profane songs of the sentimental kind, and will +occasionally lift up his little pipe in a glee. He does not dance, +but the honest fellow would give the world to do it; and he leaves +his clogs in the passage, though it is a wonder he wears them, for +in the muddiest weather he never has a speck on his foot. He was at +St. John's College, Cambridge, and was rather gay for a term or two, +he says. He is, in a word, full of the milk-and-water of human +kindness, and his family lives near Hackney. + +As for Goff, he has a huge shining bald forehead, and immense +bristling Indian-red whiskers. He wears white wash-leather gloves, +drinks fairly, likes a rubber, and has a story for after dinner, +beginning, "Doctor, ye racklackt Sandy M'Lellan, who joined us in +the West Indies. Wal, sir," etc. These and little Cutler made up +the party. + +Now it may not have struck all readers, but any sharp fellow +conversant with writing must have found out long ago, that if there +had been something exceedingly interesting to narrate with regard to +this dinner at Frank Berry's, I should have come out with it a +couple of pages since, nor have kept the public looking for so long +a time at the dish-covers and ornaments of the table. + +But the simple fact must now be told, that there was nothing of the +slightest importance occurred at this repast, except that it gave me +an opportunity of studying Mrs. Berry in many different ways; and, +in spite of the extreme complaisance which she now showed me, of +forming, I am sorry to say, a most unfavourable opinion of that fair +lady. Truth to tell, I would much rather she should have been civil +to Mrs. Muchit, than outrageously complimentary to your humble +servant; and as she professed not to know what on earth there was +for dinner, would it not have been much more natural for her not to +frown, and bob, and wink, and point, and pinch her lips as often as +Monsieur Anatole, her French domestic, not knowing the ways of +English dinner-tables, placed anything out of its due order? The +allusions to Boodle Hall were innumerable, and I don't know any +greater bore than to be obliged to talk of a place which belongs to +one's elder brother. Many questions were likewise asked about the +dowager and her Scotch relatives, the Plumduffs, about whom Lady +Pash knew a great deal, having seen them at Court and at Lord +Melville's. Of course she had seen them at Court and at Lord +Melville's, as she might have seen thousands of Scotchmen besides; +but what mattered it to me, who care not a jot for old Lady +Fitz-Boodle? "When you write, you'll say you met an old friend of +her Ladyship's," says Mrs. Berry, and I faithfully promised I would +when I wrote; but if the New Post Office paid us for writing letters +(as very possibly it will soon), I could not be bribed to send a +line to old Lady Fitz. + +In a word, I found that Berry, like many simple fellows before him, +had made choice of an imperious, ill-humoured, and underbred female +for a wife, and could see with half an eye that he was a great deal +too much her slave. + +The struggle was not over yet, however. Witness that little +encounter before dinner; and once or twice the honest fellow replied +rather smartly during the repast, taking especial care to atone as +much as possible for his wife's inattention to Jack and Mrs. Muchit, +by particular attention to those personages, whom he helped to +everything round about and pressed perpetually to champagne; he +drank but little himself, for his amiable wife's eye was constantly +fixed on him. + +Just at the conclusion of the dessert, madame, who had bouded Berry +during dinner-time, became particularly gracious to her lord and +master, and tenderly asked me if I did not think the French custom +was a good one, of men leaving table with the ladies. + +"Upon my word, ma'am," says I, "I think it's a most abominable +practice." + +"And so do I," says Cutler. + +"A most abominable practice! Do you hear THAT?" cries Berry, +laughing, and filling his glass. + +"I'm sure, Frank, when we are alone you always come to the +drawing-room," replies the lady, sharply. + +"Oh, yes! when we're alone, darling," says Berry, blushing; "but now +we're NOT alone--ha, ha! Anatole, du Bordeaux!" + +"I'm sure they sat after the ladies at CarIton House; didn't they, +Lady Pash?" says Dobus, who likes his glass. + +"THAT they did!" says my Lady, giving him a jolly nod. + +"I racklackt," exclaims Captain Goff, "when I was in the Mauritius, +that Mestress MacWhirter, who commanded the Saxty-Sackond, used to +say, 'Mac, if ye want to get lively, ye'll not stop for more than +two hours after the leddies have laft ye: if ye want to get drunk, +ye'll just dine at the mass.' So ye see, Mestress Barry, what was +Mac's allowance--haw, haw! Mester Whey, I'll trouble ye for the +o-lives." + +But although we were in a clear majority, that indomitable woman, +Mrs. Berry, determined to make us all as uneasy as possible, and +would take the votes all round. Poor Jack, of course, sided with +her, and Whey said he loved a cup of tea and a little music better +than all the wine of Bordeaux. As for the Frenchman, when Mrs. +Berry said, "And what do you think, M. le Vicomte?" + +"Vat you speak?" said M. de Blagueval, breaking silence for the +first time during two hours. "Yase--eh? to me you speak?" + +"Apry deeny, aimy-voo ally avec les dam?" + +"Comment avec les dames?" + +"Ally avec les dam com a Parry, ou resty avec les Messew com on +Onglyterre?" + +"Ah, madame! vous me le demandez?" cries the little wretch, starting +up in a theatrical way, and putting out his hand, which Mrs. Berry +took, and with this the ladies left the room. Old Lady Pash trotted +after her niece with her hand in Whey's, very much wondering at such +practices, which were not in the least in vogue in the reign of +George III. + +Mrs. Berry cast a glance of triumph at her husband, at the +defection; and Berry was evidently annoyed that three-eighths of his +male forces had left him. + +But fancy our delight and astonishment, when in a minute they all +three came back again; the Frenchman looking entirely astonished, +and the parson and the painter both very queer. The fact is, old +downright Lady Pash, who had never been in Paris in her life before, +and had no notion of being deprived of her usual hour's respite and +nap, said at once to Mrs. Berry, "My dear Angelica, you're surely +not going to keep these three men here? Send them back to the +dining-room, for I've a thousand things to say to you." And +Angelica, who expects to inherit her aunt's property, of course did +as she was bid; on which the old lady fell into an easy chair, and +fell asleep immediately,--so soon, that is, as the shout caused by +the reappearance of the three gentlemen in the dining-room had +subsided. + +I had meanwhile had some private conversation with little Cutler +regarding the character of Mrs. Berry. "She's a regular screw," +whispered he; "a regular Tartar. Berry shows fight, though, +sometimes, and I've known him have his own way for a week together. +After dinner he is his own master, and hers when he has had his +share of wine; and that's why she will never allow him to drink +any." + +Was it a wicked, or was it a noble and honourable thought which came +to us both at the same minute, to rescue Berry from his captivity? +The ladies, of course, will give their verdict according to their +gentle natures; but I know what men of courage will think, and by +their jovial judgment will abide. + +We received, then, the three lost sheep back into our innocent fold +again with the most joyous shouting and cheering. We made Berry +(who was, in truth, nothing loth) order up I don't know how much +more claret. We obliged the Frenchman to drink malgre lui, and in +the course of a short time we had poor Whey in such a state of +excitement, that he actually volunteered to sing a song, which he +said he had heard at some very gay supper-party at Cambridge, and +which begins: + + "A pye sat on a pear-tree, + A pye sat on a pear-tree, + A pye sat on a pear-tree, + Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho!" + +Fancy Mrs. Berry's face as she looked in, in the midst of that +Bacchanalian ditty, when she saw no less a person than the Reverend +Lemuel Whey carolling it! + +"Is it you, my dear?" cries Berry, as brave now as any Petruchio. +"Come in, and sit down, and hear Whey's song." + +"Lady Pash is asleep, Frank," said she. + +"Well, darling! that's the very reason. Give Mrs. Berry a glass, +Jack, will you?" + +"Would you wake your aunt, sir?" hissed out madame. + +"NEVER MIND ME, LOVE! I'M AWAKE, AND LIKE IT!" cried the venerable +Lady Pash from the salon. "Sing away, gentlemen!" + +At which we all set up an audacious cheer; and Mrs. Berry flounced +back to the drawing-room, but did not leave the door open, that her +aunt might hear our melodies. + +Berry had by this time arrived at that confidential state to which a +third bottle always brings the well-regulated mind; and he made a +clean confession to Cutler and myself of his numerous matrimonial +annoyances. He was not allowed to dine out, he said, and but seldom +to ask his friends to meet him at home. He never dared smoke a +cigar for the life of him, not even in the stables. He spent the +mornings dawdling in eternal shops, the evenings at endless +tea-parties, or in reading poems or missionary tracts to his wife. +He was compelled to take physic whenever she thought he looked a +little pale, to change his shoes and stockings whenever he came in +from a walk. "Look here," said he, opening his chest, and shaking +his fist at Dobus; "look what Angelica and that infernal Dobus have +brought me to." + +I thought it might be a flannel waistcoat into which madame had +forced him; but it was worse: I give you my word of honour it was a +PITCH-PLASTER! + +We all roared at this, and the doctor as loud as anyone; but he +vowed that he had no hand in the pitch-plaster. It was a favourite +family remedy of the late apothecary Sir George Catacomb, and had +been put on by Mrs. Berry's own fair hands. + +When Anatole came in with coffee, Berry was in such high courage, +that he told him to go to the deuce with it; and we never caught +sight of Lady Pash more, except when, muffled up to the nose, she +passed through the salle-a-manger to go to her carriage, in which +Dobus and the parson were likewise to be transported to Paris. "Be +a man, Frank," says she, "and hold your own"--for the good old lady +had taken her nephew's part in the matrimonial business--"and you, +Mr. Fitz-Boodle, come and see him often. You're a good fellow, take +old one-eyed Callipash's word for it. Shall I take you to Paris?" + +Dear kind Angelica, she had told her aunt all I said! + +"Don't go, George," says Berry, squeezing me by the hand. So I said +I was going to sleep at Versailles that night; but if she would give +a convoy to Jack Butts, it would be conferring a great obligation on +him; with which favour the old lady accordingly complied, saying to +him, with great coolness, "Get up and sit with John in the rumble, +Mr. What-d'ye-call-'im." The fact is, the good old soul despises an +artist as much as she does a tailor. + +Jack tripped to his place very meekly; and "Remember Saturday," +cried the Doctor; and "Don't forget Thursday!" exclaimed the +divine,--"a bachelor's party, you know." And so the cavalcade drove +thundering down the gloomy old Avenue de Paris. + +The Frenchman, I forgot to say, had gone away exceedingly ill long +before; and the reminiscences of "Thursday" and "Saturday" evoked by +Dobus and Whey, were, to tell the truth, parts of our conspiracy; +for in the heat of Berry's courage, we had made him promise to dine +with us all round en garcon; with all except Captain Goff, who +"racklacted" that he was engaged every day for the next three weeks: +as indeed he is, to a thirty-sous ordinary which the gallant officer +frequents, when not invited elsewhere. + +Cutler and I then were the last on the field; and though we were for +moving away, Berry, whose vigour had, if possible, been excited by +the bustle and colloquy in the night air, insisted upon dragging us +back again, and actually proposed a grill for supper! + +We found in the salle-a-manger a strong smell of an extinguished +lamp, and Mrs. Berry was snuffing out the,candles on the sideboard. + +"Hullo, my dear!" shouts Berry: "easy, if you please; we've not +done yet!" + +"Not done yet, Mr. Berry!" groans the lady, in a hollow sepulchral +tone. + +"No, Mrs. B., not done yet. We are going to have some supper, ain't +we, George?" + +"I think it's quite time to go home," said Mr. Fitz-Boodle (who, to +say the truth, began to tremble himself). + +"I think it is, sir; you are quite right, sir; you will pardon me, +gentlemen, I have a bad headache, and will retire." + +"Good-night, my dear!" said that audacious Berry. "Anatole, tell +the cook to broil a fowl and bring some wine." + +If the loving couple had been alone, or if Cutler had not been an +attache to the embassy, before whom she was afraid of making herself +ridiculous, I am confident that Mrs. Berry would have fainted away +on the spot; and that all Berry's courage would have tumbled down +lifeless by the side of her. So she only gave a martyrised look, +and left the room; and while we partook of the very unnecessary +repast, was good enough to sing some hymn-tunes to an exceedingly +slow movement in the next room, intimating that she was awake, and +that, though suffering, she found her consolations in religion. + +These melodies did not in the least add to our friend's courage. +The devilled fowl had, somehow, no devil in it. The champagne in +the glasses looked exceedingly flat and blue. The fact is, that +Cutler and I were now both in a state of dire consternation, and +soon made a move for our hats, and lighting each a cigar in the +hall, made across the little green where the Cupids and nymphs were +listening to the dribbling fountain in the dark. + +"I'm hanged if I don't have a cigar too!" says Berry, rushing after +us; and accordingly putting in his pocket a key about the size of a +shovel, which hung by the little handle of the outer grille, forth +he sallied, and joined us in our fumigation. + +He stayed with us a couple of hours, and returned homewards in +perfect good spirits, having given me his word of honour he would +dine with us the next day. He put his immense key into the grille, +and unlocked it; but the gate would not open: IT WAS BOLTED WITHIN. + +He began to make a furious jangling and ringing at the bell; and in +oaths, both French and English, called upon the recalcitrant +Anatole. + +After much tolling of the bell, a light came cutting across the +crevices of the inner door; it was thrown open, and a figure +appeared with a lamp,--a tall slim figure of a woman, clothed in +white from head to foot. + +It was Mrs. Berry, and when Cutler and I saw her, we both ran away +as fast as our legs could carry us. + +Berry, at this, shrieked with a wild laughter. "Remember to-morrow, +old boys," shouted he,--"six o'clock;" and we were a quarter of a +mile off when the gate closed, and the little mansion of the Avenue +de Paris was once more quiet and dark. + +The next afternoon, as we were playing at billiards, Cutler saw Mrs. +Berry drive by in her carriage; and as soon as rather a long rubber +was over, I thought I would go and look for our poor friend, and so +went down to the Pavilion. Every door was open, as the wont is in +France, and I walked in unannounced, and saw this: + +He was playing a duet with her on the flute. She had been out but +for half-an-hour, after not speaking all the morning; and having +seen Cutler at the billiard-room window, and suspecting we might +take advantage of her absence, she had suddenly returned home again, +and had flung herself, weeping, into her Frank's arms, and said she +could not bear to leave him in anger. And so, after sitting for a +little while sobbing on his knee, she had forgotten and forgiven +every thing! + +The dear angel! I met poor Frank in Bond Street only yesterday; but +he crossed over to the other side of the way. He had on goloshes, +and is grown very fat and pale. He has shaved off his moustaches, +and, instead, wears a respirator. He has taken his name off all his +clubs, and lives very grimly in Baker Street. Well, ladies, no +doubt you say he is right: and what are the odds, so long as YOU +are happy? + + + +DENNIS HAGGARTY'S WIFE. + + + +There was an odious Irishwoman who with her daughter used to +frequent the "Royal Hotel" at Leamington some years ago, and who +went by the name of Mrs. Major Gam. Gam had been a distinguished +officer in His Majesty's service, whom nothing but death and his own +amiable wife could overcome. The widow mourned her husband in the +most becoming bombazeen she could muster, and had at least half an +inch of lampblack round the immense visiting tickets which she left +at the houses of the nobility and gentry her friends. + +Some of us, I am sorry to say, used to call her Mrs. Major Gammon; +for if the worthy widow had a propensity, it was to talk largely of +herself and family (of her own family, for she held her husband's +very cheap), and of the wonders of her paternal mansion, +Molloyville, county of Mayo. She was of the Molloys of that county; +and though I never heard of the family before, I have little doubt, +from what Mrs. Major Gam stated, that they were the most ancient and +illustrious family of that part of Ireland. I remember there came +down to see his aunt a young fellow with huge red whiskers and tight +nankeens, a green coat, and an awful breastpin, who, after two days' +stay at the Spa, proposed marriage to Miss S-----, or, in default, a +duel with her father; and who drove a flash curricle with a bay and +a grey, and who was presented with much pride by Mrs. Gam as +Castlereagh Molloy of Molloyville. We all agreed that he was the +most insufferable snob of the whole season, and were delighted when +a bailiff came down in search of him. + +Well, this is all I know personally of the Molloyville family; but +at the house if you met the widow Gam, and talked on any subject in +life, you were sure to hear of it. If you asked her to have peas at +dinner, she would say, "Oh, sir, after the peas at Molloyville, I +really don't care for any others,--do I, dearest Jemima? We always +had a dish in the month of June, when my father gave his head +gardener a guinea (we had three at Molloyville), and sent him with +his compliments and a quart of peas to our neighbour, dear Lord +Marrowfat. What a sweet place Marrowfat Park is! isn't it, Jemima?" +If a carriage passed by the window, Mrs. Major Gammon would be sure +to tell you that there were three carriages at Molloyville, "the +barouche, the chawiot, and the covered cyar." In the same manner +she would favour you with the number and names of the footmen of the +establishment; and on a visit to Warwick Castle (for this bustling +woman made one in every party of pleasure that was formed from the +hotel), she gave us to understand that the great walk by the river +was altogether inferior to the principal avenue of Molloyville Park. +I should not have been able to tell so much about Mrs. Gam and her +daughter, but that, between ourselves, I was particularly sweet upon +a young lady at the time, whose papa lived at the "Royal," and was +under the care of Doctor Jephson. + +The Jemima appealed to by Mrs. Gam in the above sentence was, of +course, her daughter, apostrophised by her mother, "Jemima, my +soul's darling?" or, "Jemima, my blessed child!" or, "Jemima, my own +love!" The sacrifices that Mrs. Gam had made for that daughter +were, she said, astonishing. The money she had spent in masters +upon her, the illnesses through which she had nursed her, the +ineffable love the mother bore her, were only known to Heaven, Mrs. +Gam said. They used to come into the room with their arms round +each other's waists: at dinner between the courses the mother would +sit with one hand locked in her daughter's; and if only two or three +young men were present at the time, would be pretty sure to kiss her +Jemima more than once during the time whilst the bohea was poured +out. + +As for Miss Gam, if she was not handsome, candour forbids me to say +she was ugly. She was neither one nor t'other. She was a person +who wore ringlets and a band round her forehead; she knew four +songs, which became rather tedious at the end of a couple of months' +acquaintance; she had excessively bare shoulders; she inclined to +wear numbers of cheap ornaments, rings, brooches, ferronnieres, +smelling-bottles, and was always, we thought, very smartly dressed: +though old Mrs. Lynx hinted that her gowns and her mother's were +turned over and over again, and that her eyes were almost put out by +darning stockings. + +These eyes Miss Gam had very large, though rather red and weak, and +used to roll them about at every eligible unmarried man in the +place. But though the widow subscribed to all the balls, though she +hired a fly to go to the meet of the hounds, though she was constant +at church, and Jemima sang louder than any person there except the +clerk, and though, probably, any person who made her a happy husband +would be invited down to enjoy the three footmen, gardeners, and +carriages at Molloyville, yet no English gentleman was found +sufficiently audacious to propose. Old Lynx used to say that the +pair had been at Tunbridge, Harrogate, Brighton, Ramsgate, +Cheltenham, for this eight years past; where they had met, it +seemed, with no better fortune. Indeed, the widow looked rather +high for her blessed child: and as she looked with the contempt +which no small number of Irish people feel upon all persons who get +their bread by labour or commerce; and as she was a person whose +energetic manners, costume, and brogue were not much to the taste of +quiet English country gentlemen, Jemima--sweet, spotless +flower--still remained on her hands, a thought withered, perhaps, +and seedy. + +Now, at this time, the 120th Regiment was quartered at Weedon +Barracks, and with the corps was a certain Assistant-Surgeon +Haggarty, a large, lean, tough, raw-boned man, with big hands, +knock-knees, and carroty whiskers, and, withal, as honest a creature +as ever handled a lancet. Haggarty, as his name imports, was of the +very same nation as Mrs. Gam, and, what is more, the honest fellow +had some of the peculiarities which belonged to the widow, and +bragged about his family almost as much as she did. I do not know +of what particular part of Ireland they were kings; but monarchs +they must have been, as have been the ancestors of so many thousand +Hibernian families; but they had been men of no small consideration +in Dublin, "where my father," Haggarty said, "is as well known as +King William's statue, and where he 'rowls his carriage, too,' let +me tell ye." + +Hence, Haggarty was called by the wags "Rowl the carriage," and +several of them made inquiries of Mrs. Gam regarding him: "Mrs. +Gam, when you used to go up from Molloyville to the Lord +Lieutenant's balls, and had your townhouse in Fitzwilliam Square, +used you to meet the famous Doctor Haggarty in society?" + +"Is it Surgeon Haggarty of Gloucester Street ye mean? The black +Papist! D'ye suppose that the Molloys would sit down to table with +a creature of that sort?" + +"Why, isn't he the most famous physician in Dublin, and doesn't he +rowl his carriage there?" + +"The horrid wretch! He keeps a shop, I tell ye, and sends his sons +out with the medicine. He's got four of them off into the army, +Ulick and Phil, and Terence and Denny, and now it's Charles that +takes out the physic. But how should I know about these odious +creatures? Their mother was a Burke, of Burke's Town, county Cavan, +and brought Surgeon Haggarty two thousand pounds. She was a +Protestant; and I am surprised how she could have taken up with a +horrid odious Popish apothecary!" + +From the extent of the widow's information, I am led to suppose that +the inhabitants of Dublin are not less anxious about their +neighbours than are the natives of English cities; and I think it is +very probable that Mrs. Gam's account of the young Haggartys who +carried out the medicine is perfectly correct, for a lad in the +120th made a caricature of Haggarty coming out of a chemist's shop +with an oilcloth basket under his arm, which set the worthy surgeon +in such a fury that there would have been a duel between him and the +ensign, could the fiery doctor have had his way. + +Now, Dionysius Haggarty was of an exceedingly inflammable +temperament, and it chanced that of all the invalids, the visitors, +the young squires of Warwickshire, the young manufacturers from +Birmingham, the young officers from the barracks--it chanced, +unluckily for Miss Gam and himself, that he was the only individual +who was in the least smitten by her personal charms. He was very +tender and modest about his love, however, for it must be owned that +he respected Mrs. Gam hugely, and fully admitted, like a good simple +fellow as he was, the superiority of that lady's birth and breeding +to his own. How could he hope that he, a humble assistant-surgeon, +with a thousand pounds his Aunt Kitty left him for all his fortune-- +how could he hope that one of the race of Molloyville would ever +condescend to marry him? + +Inflamed, however, by love, and inspired by wine, one day at a +picnic at Kenilworth, Haggarty, whose love and raptures were the +talk of the whole regiment, was induced by his waggish comrades to +make a proposal in form. + +"Are you aware, Mr. Haggarty, that you are speaking to a Molloy?" +was all the reply majestic Mrs. Gam made when, according to the +usual formula, the fluttering Jemima referred her suitor to "Mamma." +She left him with a look which was meant to crush the poor fellow to +earth; she gathered up her cloak and bonnet, and precipitately +called for her fly. She took care to tell every single soul in +Leamington that the son of the odious Papist apothecary had had the +audacity to propose for her daughter (indeed a proposal, coming from +whatever quarter it may, does no harm), and left Haggarty in a state +of extreme depression and despair. + +His down-heartedness, indeed, surprised most of his acquaintances in +and out of the regiment, for the young lady was no beauty, and a +doubtful fortune, and Dennis was a man outwardly of an unromantic +turn, who seemed to have a great deal more liking for beefsteak and +whisky-punch than for women, however fascinating. + +But there is no doubt this shy uncouth rough fellow had a warmer and +more faithful heart hid within him than many a dandy who is as +handsome as Apollo. I, for my part, never can understand why a man +falls in love, and heartily give him credit for so doing, never mind +with what or whom. THAT I take to be a point quite as much beyond +an individual's own control as the catching of the small-pox or the +colour of his hair. To the surprise of all, Assistant-Surgeon +Dionysius Haggarty was deeply and seriously in love; and I am told +that one day he very nearly killed the before-mentioned young ensign +with a carving-knife, for venturing to make a second caricature, +representing Lady Gammon and Jemima in a fantastical park, +surrounded by three gardeners, three carriages, three footmen, and +the covered cyar. He would have no joking concerning them. He +became moody and quarrelsome of habit. He was for some time much +more in the surgery and hospital than in the mess. He gave up the +eating, for the most part, of those vast quantities of beef and +pudding, for which his stomach used to afford such ample and swift +accommodation; and when the cloth was drawn, instead of taking +twelve tumblers, and singing Irish melodies, as he used to do, in a +horrible cracked yelling voice, he would retire to his own +apartment, or gloomily pace the barrack-yard, or madly whip and spur +a grey mare he had on the road to Leamington, where his Jemima +(although invisible for him) still dwelt. + +The season at Leamington coming to a conclusion by the withdrawal of +the young fellows who frequented that watering-place, the widow Gam +retired to her usual quarters for the other months of the year. +Where these quarters were, I think we have no right to ask, for I +believe she had quarrelled with her brother at Molloyville, and +besides, was a great deal too proud to be a burden on anybody. + +Not only did the widow quit Leamington, but very soon afterwards the +120th received its marching orders, and left Weedon and +Warwickshire. Haggarty's appetite was by this time partially +restored, but his love was not altered, and his humour was still +morose and gloomy. I am informed that at this period of his life he +wrote some poems relative to his unhappy passion; a wild set of +verses of several lengths, and in his handwriting, being discovered +upon a sheet of paper in which a pitch-plaster was wrapped up, which +Lieutenant and Adjutant Wheezer was compelled to put on for a cold. + +Fancy then, three years afterwards, the surprise of all Haggarty's +acquaintances on reading in the public papers the following +announcement: + +"Married, at Monkstown on the 12th instant, Dionysius Haggarty, +Esq., of H.M. 120th Foot, to Jemima Amelia Wilhelmina Molloy, +daughter of the late Major Lancelot Gam, R.M., and granddaughter of +the late, and niece of the present Burke Bodkin Blake Molloy, Esq., +Molloyville, county Mayo." + +"Has the course of true love at last begun to run smooth?" thought +I, as I laid down the paper; and the old times, and the old leering +bragging widow, and the high shoulders of her daughter, and the +jolly days with the 120th, and Doctor Jephson's one-horse chaise, +and the Warwickshire hunt, and--and Louisa S-----, but never mind +HER,--came back to my mind. Has that good-natured simple fellow at +last met with his reward? Well, if he has not to marry the +mother-in-law too, he may get on well enough. + +Another year announced the retirement of Assistant-Surgeon Haggarty +from the 120th, where he was replaced by Assistant-Surgeon Angus +Rothsay Leech, a Scotchman, probably; with whom I have not the least +acquaintance, and who has nothing whatever to do with this little +history. + +Still more years passed on, during which time I will not say that I +kept a constant watch upon the fortunes of Mr. Haggarty and his +lady; for, perhaps, if the truth were known, I never thought for a +moment about them; until one day, being at Kingstown, near Dublin, +dawdling on the beach, and staring at the Hill of Howth, as most +people at that watering-place do, I saw coming towards me a tall +gaunt man, with a pair of bushy red whiskers, of which I thought I +had seen the like in former years, and a face which could be no +other than Haggarty's. It was Haggarty, ten years older than when +we last met, and greatly more grim and thin. He had on one shoulder +a young gentleman in a dirty tartan costume, and a face exceedingly +like his own peeping from under a battered plume of black feathers, +while with his other hand he was dragging a light green go-cart, in +which reposed a female infant of some two years old. Both were +roaring with great power of lungs. + +As soon as Dennis saw me, his face lost the dull puzzled expression +which had seemed to characterise it; he dropped the pole of the +go-cart from one hand, and his son from the other, and came jumping +forward to greet me with all his might, leaving his progeny roaring +in the road. + +"Bless my sowl," says he, "sure it's Fitz-Boodle? Fitz, don't you +remember me? Dennis Haggarty of the 120th? Leamington, you know? +Molloy, my boy, hould your tongue, and stop your screeching, and +Jemima's too; d'ye hear? Well, it does good to sore eyes to see an +old face. How fat you're grown, Fitz; and were ye ever in Ireland +before? and a'n't ye delighted with it? Confess, now, isn't it +beautiful?" + +This question regarding the merits of their country, which I have +remarked is put by most Irish persons, being answered in a +satisfactory manner, and the shouts of the infants appeased from an +apple-stall hard by, Dennis and I talked of old times; I +congratulated him on his marriage with the lovely girl whom we all +admired, and hoped he had a fortune with her, and so forth. His +appearance, however, did not bespeak a great fortune: he had an old +grey hat, short old trousers, an old waistcoat with regimental +buttons, and patched Blucher boots, such as are not usually sported +by persons in easy life. + +"Ah!" says he, with a sigh, in reply to my queries, "times are +changed since them days, Fitz-Boodle. My wife's not what she was-- +the beautiful creature you knew her. Molloy, my boy, run off in a +hurry to your mamma, and tell her an English gentleman is coming +home to dine; for you'll dine with me, Fitz, in course?" And I +agreed to partake of that meal; though Master Molloy altogether +declined to obey his papa's orders with respect to announcing the +stranger. + +"Well, I must announce you myself," said Haggarty, with a smile. +"Come, it's just dinner-time, and my little cottage is not a hundred +yards off." Accordingly, we all marched in procession to Dennis's +little cottage, which was one of a row and a half of one-storied +houses, with little courtyards before them, and mostly with very +fine names on the doorposts of each. "Surgeon Haggarty" was +emblazoned on Dennis's gate, on a stained green copper-plate; and, +not content with this, on the door-post above the bell was an oval +with the inscription of "New Molloyville." The bell was broken, of +course; the court, or garden-path, was mouldy, weedy, seedy; there +were some dirty rocks, by way of ornament, round a faded glass-plat +in the centre, some clothes and rags hanging out of most part of the +windows of New Molloyville, the immediate entrance to which was by a +battered scraper, under a broken trellis-work, up which a withered +creeper declined any longer to climb. + +"Small, but snug," says Haggarty: "I'll lead the way, Fitz; put +your hat on the flower-pot there, and turn to the left into the +drawing-room." A fog of onions and turf-smoke filled the whole of +the house, and gave signs that dinner was not far off. Far off? +You could hear it frizzling in the kitchen, where the maid was also +endeavouring to hush the crying of a third refractory child. But as +we entered, all three of Haggarty's darlings were in full roar. + +"Is it you, Dennis?" cried a sharp raw voice, from a dark corner in +the drawing-room to which we were introduced, and in which a dirty +tablecloth was laid for dinner, some bottles of porter and a cold +mutton-bone being laid out on a rickety grand piano hard by. "Ye're +always late, Mr. Haggarty. Have you brought the whisky from +Nowlan's? I'll go bail ye've not, now." + +"My dear, I've brought an old friend of yours and mine to take +pot-luck with us to-day," said Dennis. + +"When is he to come?" said the lady. At which speech I was rather +surprised, for I stood before her. + +"Here he is, Jemima my love," answered Dennis, looking at me. "Mr. +Fitz-Boodle: don't you remember him in Warwickshire, darling?" + +"Mr. Fitz-Boodle! I am very glad to see him," said the lady, rising +and curtseying with much cordiality. + +Mrs. Haggarty was blind. + +Mrs. Haggarty was not only blind, but it was evident that smallpox +had been the cause of her loss of vision. Her eyes were bound with +a bandage, her features were entirely swollen, scarred and distorted +by the horrible effects of the malady. She had been knitting in a +corner when we entered, and was wrapped in a very dirty bedgown. +Her voice to me was quite different to that in which she addressed +her husband. She spoke to Haggarty in broad Irish: she addressed +me in that most odious of all languages--Irish-English, endeavouring +to the utmost to disguise her brogue, and to speak with the true +dawdling distingue English air. + +"Are you long in I-a-land?" said the poor creature in this accent. +"You must faind it a sad ba'ba'ous place, Mr Fitz-Boodle, I'm shu- +ah! It was vary kaind of you to come upon us en famille, and accept +a dinner sans ceremonie. Mr. Haggarty, I hope you'll put the waine +into aice, Mr. Fitz-Boodle must be melted with this hot weathah." + +For some time she conducted the conversation in this polite strain, +and I was obliged to say, in reply to a query of hers, that I did +not find her the least altered, though I should never have +recognised her but for this rencontre. She told Haggarty with a +significant air to get the wine from the cellah, and whispered to me +that he was his own butlah; and the poor fellow, taking the hint, +scudded away into the town for a pound of beefsteak and a couple of +bottles of wine from the tavern. + +"Will the childhren get their potatoes and butther here?" said a +barefoot girl, with long black hair flowing over her face, which she +thrust in at the door. + +"Let them sup in the nursery, Elizabeth, and send--ah! Edwards to +me." + +"Is it cook you mane, ma'am?" said the girl. + +"Send her at once!" shrieked the unfortunate woman; and the noise of +frying presently ceasing, a hot woman made her appearance, wiping +her brows with her apron, and asking, with an accent decidedly +Hibernian, what the misthress wanted. + +"Lead me up to my dressing-room, Edwards: I really am not fit to be +seen in this dishabille by Mr. Fitz-Boodle." + +"Fait' I can't!" says Edwards; "sure the masther's at the butcher's, +and can't look to the kitchen-fire!" + +"Nonsense, I must go!" cried Mrs. Haggarty; and Edwards, putting on +a resigned air, and giving her arm and face a further rub with her +apron, held out her arm to Mrs. Dennis, and the pair went upstairs. + +She left me to indulge my reflections for half-an-hour, at the end +of which period she came downstairs dressed in an old yellow satin, +with the poor shoulders exposed just as much as ever. She had +mounted a tawdry cap, which Haggarty himself must have selected for +her. She had all sorts of necklaces, bracelets, and earrings in +gold, in garnets, in mother-of-pearl, in ormolu. She brought in a +furious savour of musk, which drove the odours of onions and +turf-smoke before it; and she waved across her wretched angular mean +scarred features an old cambric handkerchief with a yellow +lace-border. + +"And so you would have known me anywhere, Mr. Fitz-Boodle?" said +she, with a grin that was meant to be most fascinating. "I was sure +you would; for though my dreadful illness deprived me of my sight, +it is a mercy that it did not change my features or complexion at +all!" + +This mortification had been spared the unhappy woman; but I don't +know whether, with all her vanity, her infernal pride, folly, and +selfishness, it was charitable to leave her in her error. + +Yet why correct her? There is a quality in certain people which is +above all advice, exposure, or correction. Only let a man or woman +have DULNESS sufficient, and they need bow to no extant authority. +A dullard recognises no betters; a dullard can't see that he is in +the wrong; a dullard has no scruples of conscience, no doubts of +pleasing, or succeeding, or doing right; no qualms for other +people's feelings, no respect but for the fool himself. How can you +make a fool perceive he is a fool? Such a personage can no more see +his own folly than he can see his own ears. And the great quality +of Dulness is to be unalterably contented with itself. What myriads +of souls are there of this admirable sort,--selfish, stingy, +ignorant, passionate, brutal; bad sons, mothers, fathers, never +known to do kind actions! + +To pause, however, in this disquisition, which was carrying us far +off Kingstown, New Molloyville, Ireland--nay, into the wide world +wherever Dulness inhabits--let it be stated that Mrs. Haggarty, from +my brief acquaintance with her and her mother, was of the order of +persons just mentioned. There was an air of conscious merit about +her, very hard to swallow along with the infamous dinner poor Dennis +managed, after much delay, to get on the table. She did not fail to +invite me to Molloyville, where she said her cousin would be charmed +to see me; and she told me almost as many anecdotes about that place +as her mother used to impart in former days. I observed, moreover, +that Dennis cut her the favourite pieces of the beefsteak, that she +ate thereof with great gusto, and that she drank with similar +eagerness of the various strong liquors at table. "We Irish ladies +are all fond of a leetle glass of punch," she said, with a playful +air, and Dennis mixed her a powerful tumbler of such violent grog as +I myself could swallow only with some difficulty. She talked of her +suffering a great deal, of her sacrifices, of the luxuries to which +she had been accustomed before marriage,--in a word, of a hundred of +those themes on which some ladies are in the custom of enlarging +when they wish to plague some husbands. + +But honest Dennis, far from being angry at this perpetual, +wearisome, impudent recurrence to her own superiority, rather +encouraged the conversation than otherwise. It pleased him to hear +his wife discourse about her merits and family splendours. He was +so thoroughly beaten down and henpecked, that he, as it were, +gloried in his servitude, and fancied that his wife's magnificence +reflected credit on himself. He looked towards me, who was half +sick of the woman and her egotism, as if expecting me to exhibit the +deepest sympathy, and flung me glances across the table as much as +to say, "What a gifted creature my Jemima is, and what a fine fellow +I am to be in possession of her!" When the children came down she +scolded them, of course, and dismissed them abruptly (for which +circumstance, perhaps, the writer of these pages was not in his +heart very sorry), and, after having sat a preposterously long time, +left us, asking whether we would have coffee there or in her +boudoir. + +"Oh! here, of course," said Dennis, with rather a troubled air, and +in about ten minutes the lovely creature was led back to us again by +"Edwards," and the coffee made its appearance. After coffee her +husband begged her to let Mr. Fitz-Boodle hear her voice: "He longs +for some of his old favourites." + +"No! DO you?" said she; and was led in triumph to the jingling old +piano, and with a screechy wiry voice, sang those very abominable +old ditties which I had heard her sing at Leamington ten years back. + +Haggarty, as she sang, flung himself back in the chair delighted. +Husbands always are, and with the same song, one that they have +heard when they were nineteen years old probably; most Englishmen's +tunes have that date, and it is rather affecting, I think, to hear +an old gentleman of sixty or seventy quavering the old ditty that +was fresh when HE was fresh and in his prime. If he has a musical +wife, depend on it he thinks her old songs of 1788 are better than +any he has heard since: in fact he has heard NONE since. When the +old couple are in high good-humour the old gentleman will take the +old lady round the waist, and say, "My dear, do sing me one of your +own songs," and she sits down and sings with her old voice, and, as +she sings, the roses of her youth bloom again for a moment. +Ranelagh resuscitates, and she is dancing a minuet in powder and a +train. + +This is another digression. It was occasioned by looking at poor +Dennis's face while his wife was screeching (and, believe me, the +former was the more pleasant occupation). Bottom tickled by the +fairies could not have been in greater ecstasies. He thought the +music was divine; and had further reason for exulting in it, which +was, that his wife was always in a good humour after singing, and +never would sing but in that happy frame of mind. Dennis had hinted +so much in our little colloquy during the ten minutes of his lady's +absence in the "boudoir;" so, at the conclusion of each piece, we +shouted "Bravo!" and clapped our hands like mad. + +Such was my insight into the life of Surgeon Dionysius Haggarty and +his wife; and I must have come upon him at a favourable moment too, +for poor Dennis has spoken, subsequently, of our delightful evening +at Kingstown, and evidently thinks to this day that his friend was +fascinated by the entertainment there. His inward economy was as +follows: he had his half-pay, a thousand pounds, about a hundred a +year that his father left, and his wife had sixty pounds a year from +the mother; which the mother, of course, never paid. He had no +practice, for he was absorbed in attention to his Jemima and the +children, whom he used to wash, to dress, to carry out, to walk, or +to ride, as we have seen, and who could not have a servant, as their +dear blind mother could never be left alone. Mrs. Haggarty, a great +invalid, used to lie in bed till one, and have breakfast and hot +luncheon there. A fifth part of his income was spent in having her +wheeled about in a chair, by which it was his duty to walk daily for +an allotted number of hours. Dinner would ensue, and the amateur +clergy, who abound in Ireland, and of whom Mrs. Haggarty was a great +admirer, lauded her everywhere as a model of resignation and virtue, +and praised beyond measure the admirable piety with which she bore +her sufferings. + +Well, every man to his taste. It did not certainly appear to me +that SHE was the martyr of the family. + +"The circumstances of my marriage with Jemima," Dennis said to me, +in some after conversations we had on this interesting subject, +"were the most romantic and touching you can conceive. You saw what +an impression the dear girl had made upon me when we were at Weedon; +for from the first day I set eyes on her, and heard her sing her +delightful song of 'Dark-eyed Maiden of Araby,' I felt, and said to +Turniquet of ours, that very night, that SHE was the dark-eyed maid +of Araby for ME--not that she was, you know, for she was born in +Shropshire. But I felt that I had seen the woman who was to make me +happy or miserable for life. You know how I proposed for her at +Kenilworth, and how I was rejected, and how I almost shot myself in +consequence--no, you don't know that, for I said nothing about it to +anyone, but I can tell you it was a very near thing; and a very +lucky thing for me I didn't do it: for,--would you believe it?--the +dear girl was in love with me all the time." + +"Was she really?" said I, who recollected that Miss Gam's love of +those days showed itself in a very singular manner; but the fact is, +when women are most in love they most disguise it. + +"Over head and ears in love with poor Dennis," resumed that worthy +fellow, "who'd ever have thought it? But I have it from the best +authority, from her own mother, with whom I'm not over and above +good friends now; but of this fact she assured me, and I'll tell you +when and how. + +"We were quartered at Cork three years after we were at Weedon, and +it was our last year at home; and a great mercy that my dear girl +spoke in time, or where should we have been now? Well, one day, +marching home from parade, I saw a lady seated at an open window, by +another who seemed an invalid, and the lady at the window, who was +dressed in the profoundest mourning, cried out, with a scream, +'Gracious, heavens! it's Mr. Haggarty of the 120th.' + +"'Sure I know that voice,' says I to Whiskerton. + +"'It's a great mercy you don't know it a deal too well,' says he: +'it's Lady Gammon. She's on some husband-hunting scheme, depend on +it, for that daughter of hers. She was at Bath last year on the +same errand, and at Cheltenham the year before, where, Heaven bless +you! she's as well known as the "Hen and Chickens."' + +"'I'll thank you not to speak disrespectfully of Miss Jemima Gam,' +said I to Whiskerton; 'she's of one of the first families in +Ireland, and whoever says a word against a woman I once proposed +for, insults me,--do you understand?' + +"'Well, marry her, if you like,' says Whiskerton, quite peevish: +'marry her, and be hanged!' + +"Marry her! the very idea of it set my brain a-whirling, and made me +a thousand times more mad than I am by nature. + +"You may be sure I walked up the hill to the parade-ground that +afternoon, and with a beating heart too. I came to the widow's +house. It was called 'New Molloyville,' as this is. Wherever she +takes a house for six months she calls it 'New Molloyville;' and has +had one in Mallow, in Bandon, in Sligo, in Castlebar, in Fermoy, in +Drogheda, and the deuce knows where besides: but the blinds were +down, and though I thought I saw somebody behind 'em, no notice was +taken of poor Denny Haggarty, and I paced up and down all mess-time +in hopes of catching a glimpse of Jemima, but in vain. The next day +I was on the ground again; I was just as much in love as ever, +that's the fact. I'd never been in that way before, look you; and +when once caught, I knew it was for life. + +"There's no use in telling you how long I beat about the bush, but +when I DID get admittance to the house (it was through the means of +young Castlereagh Molloy, whom you may remember at Leamington, and +who was at Cork for the regatta, and used to dine at our mess, and +had taken a mighty fancy to me)--when I DID get into the house, I +say, I rushed in medias res at once; I couldn't keep myself quiet, +my heart was too full. + +"Oh, Fitz! I shall never forget the day,--the moment I was +inthrojuiced into the dthrawing-room " (as he began to be agitated, +Dennis's brogue broke out with greater richness than ever; but +though a stranger may catch, and repeat from memory, a few words, it +is next to impossible for him to KEEP UP A CONVERSATION in Irish, so +that we had best give up all attempts to imitate Dennis). "When I +saw old mother Gam," said he, "my feelings overcame me all at once. +I rowled down on the ground, sir, as if I'd been hit by a +musket-ball. 'Dearest madam,' says I, 'I'll die if you don't give +me Jemima.' + +"'Heavens, Mr. Haggarty!' says she, 'how you seize me with surprise! +Castlereagh, my dear nephew, had you not better leave us?' and away +he went, lighting a cigar, and leaving me still on the floor. + +"'Rise, Mr. Haggarty,' continued the widow. 'I will not attempt to +deny that this constancy towards my daughter is extremely affecting, +however sudden your present appeal may be. I will not attempt to +deny that, perhaps, Jemima may have a similar feeling; but, as I +said, I never could give my daughter to a Catholic.' + +"'I'm as good a Protestant as yourself, ma'am,' says I; 'my mother +was an heiress, and we were all brought up her way.' + +"'That makes the matter very different,' says she, turning up the +whites of her eyes. 'How could I ever have reconciled it to my +conscience to see my blessed child married to a Papist? How could I +ever have taken him to Molloyville? Well, this obstacle being +removed, _I_ must put myself no longer in the way between two young +people. _I_ must sacrifice myself; as I always have when my darling +girl was in question. YOU shall see her, the poor dear lovely +gentle sufferer, and learn your fate from her own lips.' + +"'The sufferer, ma'am,' says I; 'has Miss Gam been ill?' + +"'What! haven't you heard?' cried the widow. 'Haven't you heard of +the dreadful illness which so nearly carried her from me? For nine +weeks, Mr. Haggarty, I watched her day and night, without taking a +wink of sleep,--for nine weeks she lay trembling between death and +life; and I paid the doctor eighty-three guineas. She is restored +now; but she is the wreck of the beautiful creature she was. +Suffering, and, perhaps, ANOTHER DISAPPOINTMENT--but we won't +mention that NOW--have so pulled her down. But I will leave you, +and prepare my sweet girl for this strange, this entirely unexpected +visit.' + +"I won't tell you what took place between me and Jemima, to whom I +was introduced as she sat in the darkened room, poor sufferer! nor +describe to you with what a thrill of joy I seized (after groping +about for it) her poor emaciated hand. She did not withdraw it; I +came out of that room an engaged man, sir; and NOW I was enabled to +show her that I had always loved her sincerely, for there was my +will, made three years back, in her favour: that night she refused +me, as I told ye. I would have shot myself, but they'd have brought +me in non compos; and my brother Mick would have contested the will, +and so I determined to live, in order that she might benefit by my +dying. I had but a thousand pounds then: since that my father has +left me two more. I willed every shilling to her, as you may fancy, +and settled it upon her when we married, as we did soon after. It +was not for some time that I was allowed to see the poor girl's +face, or, indeed, was aware of the horrid loss she had sustained. +Fancy my agony, my dear fellow, when I saw that beautiful wreck!" + +There was something not a little affecting to think, in the conduct +of this brave fellow, that he never once, as he told his story, +seemed to allude to the possibility of his declining to marry a +woman who was not the same as the woman he loved; but that he was +quite as faithful to her now, as he had been when captivated by the +poor tawdry charms of the silly Miss of Leamington. It was hard +that such a noble heart as this should be flung away upon yonder +foul mass of greedy vanity. Was it hard, or not, that he should +remain deceived in his obstinate humility, and continue to admire +the selfish silly being whom he had chosen to worship? + +"I should have been appointed surgeon of the regiment," continued +Dennis, "soon after, when it was ordered abroad to Jamaica, where it +now is. But my wife would not hear of going, and said she would +break her heart if she left her mother. So I retired on half-pay, +and took this cottage; and in case any practice should fall in my +way--why, there is my name on the brass plate, and I'm ready for +anything that comes. But the only case that ever DID come was one +day when I was driving my wife in the chaise; and another, one +night, of a beggar with a broken head. My wife makes me a present +of a baby every year, and we've no debts; and between you and me and +the post, as long as my mother-in-law is out of the house, I'm as +happy as I need be." + +"What! you and the old lady don't get on well?" said I. + +"I can't say we do; it's not in nature, you know," said Dennis, with +a faint grin. "She comes into the house, and turns it topsy-turvy. +When she's here I'm obliged to sleep in the scullery. She's never +paid her daughter's income since the first year, though she brags +about her sacrifices as if she had ruined herself for Jemima; and +besides, when she's here, there's a whole clan of the Molloys, +horse, foot, and dragoons, that are quartered upon us, and eat me +out of house and home." + +"And is Molloyville such a fine place as the widow described it?" +asked I, laughing, and not a little curious. + +"Oh, a mighty fine place entirely!" said Dennis. "There's the oak +park of two hundred acres, the finest land ye ever saw, only they've +cut all the wood down. The garden in the old Molloys' time, they +say, was the finest ever seen in the West of Ireland; but they've +taken all the glass to mend the house windows: and small blame to +them either. There's a clear rent-roll of thirty-five hundred a +year, only it's in the hand of receivers; besides other debts, for +which there is no land security." + +"Your cousin-in-law, Castlereagh Molloy, won't come into a large +fortune?" + +"Oh, he'll do very well," said Dennis. "As long as he can get +credit, he's not the fellow to stint himself. Faith, I was fool +enough to put my name to a bit of paper for him, and as they could +not catch him in Mayo, they laid hold of me at Kingstown here. And +there was a pretty to do. Didn't Mrs. Gam say I was ruining her +family, that's all? I paid it by instalments (for all my money is +settled on Jemima); and Castlereagh, who's an honourable fellow, +offered me any satisfaction in life. Anyhow, he couldn't do more +than THAT." + +"Of course not: and now you're friends?" + +"Yes, and he and his aunt have had a tiff, too; and he abuses her +properly, I warrant ye. He says that she carried about Jemima from +place to place, and flung her at the head of every unmarried man in +England a'most--my poor Jemima, and she all the while dying in love +with me! As soon as she got over the small-pox--she took it at +Fermoy--God bless her, I wish I'd been by to be her nurse-tender--as +soon as she was rid of it, the old lady said to Castlereagh, +'Castlereagh, go to the bar'cks, and find out in the Army List where +the 120th is.' Off she came to Cork hot foot. It appears that +while she was ill, Jemima's love for me showed itself in such a +violent way that her mother was overcome, and promised that, should +the dear child recover, she would try and bring us together. +Castlereagh says she would have gone after us to Jamaica." + +"I have no doubt she would," said I. + +"Could you have a stronger proof of love than that?" cried Dennis. +"My dear girl's illness and frightful blindness have, of course, +injured her health and her temper. She cannot in her position look +to the children, you know, and so they come under my charge for the +most part; and her temper is unequal, certainly. But you see what a +sensitive, refined, elegant creature she is, and may fancy that +she's often put out by a rough fellow like me." + +Here Dennis left me, saying it was time to go and walk out the +children; and I think his story has matter of some wholesome +reflection in it for bachelors who are about to change their +condition, or may console some who are mourning their celibacy. +Marry, gentlemen, if you like; leave your comfortable dinner at the +club for cold-mutton and curl-papers at your home; give up your +books or pleasures, and take to yourselves wives and children; but +think well on what you do first, as I have no doubt you will after +this advice and example. Advice is always useful in matters of +love; men always take it; they always follow other people's +opinions, not their own: they always profit by example. When they +see a pretty woman, and feel the delicious madness of love coming +over them, they always stop to calculate her temper, her money, +their own money, or suitableness for the married life. . . . Ha, +ha, ha! Let us fool in this way no more. I have been in love +forty-three times with all ranks and conditions of women, and would +have married every time if they would have let me. How many wives +had King Solomon, the wisest of men? And is not that story a +warning to us that Love is master of the wisest? It is only fools +who defy him. + +I must come, however, to the last, and perhaps the saddest, part of +poor Denny Haggarty's history. I met him once more, and in such a +condition as made me determine to write this history. + +In the month of June last I happened to be at Richmond, a delightful +little place of retreat; and there, sunning himself upon the +terrace, was my old friend of the 120th: he looked older, thinner, +poorer, and more wretched than I had ever seen him. "What! you have +given up Kingstown?" said I, shaking him by the hand. + +"Yes," says he. + +"And is my lady and your family here at Richmond?" + +"No," says he, with a sad shake of the head; and the poor fellow's +hollow eyes filled with tears. + +"Good heavens, Denny! what's the matter?" said I. He was squeezing +my hand like a vice as I spoke. + +"They've LEFT me!" he burst out with a dreadful shout of passionate +grief--a horrible scream which seemed to be wrenched out of his +heart. "Left me!" said he, sinking down on a seat, and clenching +his great fists, and shaking his lean arms wildly. "I'm a wise man +now, Mr. Fitz-Boodle. Jemima has gone away from me, and yet you +know how I loved her, and how happy we were! I've got nobody now; +but I'll die soon, that's one comfort: and to think it's she +that'll kill me after all!" + +The story, which he told with a wild and furious lamentation such as +is not known among men of our cooler country, and such as I don't +like now to recall, was a very simple one. The mother-in-law had +taken possession of the house, and had driven him from it. His +property at his marriage was settled on his wife. She had never +loved him, and told him this secret at last, and drove him out of +doors with her selfish scorn and ill-temper. The boy had died; the +girls were better, he said, brought up among the Molloys than they +could be with him; and so he was quite alone in the world, and was +living, or rather dying, on forty pounds a year. + +His troubles are very likely over by this time. The two fools who +caused his misery will never read this history of him; THEY never +read godless stories in magazines: and I wish, honest reader, that +you and I went to church as much as they do. These people are not +wicked BECAUSE of their religious observances, but IN SPITE of them. +They are too dull to understand humility, too blind to see a tender +and simple heart under a rough ungainly bosom. They are sure that +all their conduct towards my poor friend here has been perfectly +righteous, and that they have given proofs of the most Christian +virtue. Haggarty's wife is considered by her friends as a martyr to +a savage husband, and her mother is the angel that has come to +rescue her. All they did was to cheat him and desert him. And safe +in that wonderful self-complacency with which the fools of this +earth are endowed, they have not a single pang of conscience for +their villany towards him, consider their heartlessness as a proof +and consequence of their spotless piety and virtue. + + + +Footnotes: + +{1} The words of this song are copyright, nor will the copyright be +sold for less than twopence-halfpenny. + +{2} A French proverbe furnished the author with the notion of the +rivalry between the Barber and the Tailor. + +{3} As it is very probable that many fair readers may not approve +of the extremely forcible language in which the combat is depicted, +I beg them to skip it and pass on to the next chapter, and to +remember that it has been modelled on the style of the very best +writers of the sporting papers. + +{4} Every person who has lived abroad can, of course, point out a +score of honourable exceptions to the case above hinted at, and +knows many such unions in which it is the Frenchman who honours the +English lady by marrying her. But it must be remembered that +marrying in France means commonly fortune-hunting: and as for the +respect in which marriage is held in France, let all the French +novels in M. Rolandi's library be perused by those who wish to come +to a decision upon the question. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Men's Wives, by Thackeray + |